# Husband regrets having kids



## Melden27 (8 mo ago)

My husband (M/40) has seemed so unhappy for the past few months. I (F/38) assumed it was due to work stress. Our daughter is now 5yo and he revealed to me last night that he never wanted to have kids and I pushed him to have one. He loves our daughter but also feels like she's ruined his life and now he's doomed to be unhappy and to just deal with it. He loves me and he doesn't want to leave me or end the marriage. But how can I live like this knowing he's unhappy everyday?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Melden27 said:


> My husband (M/40) has seemed so unhappy for the past few months. I (F/38) assumed it was due to work stress. Our daughter is now 5yo and he revealed to me last night that he never wanted to have kids and I pushed him to have one. He loves our daughter but also feels like she's ruined his life and now he's doomed to be unhappy and to just deal with it. He loves me and he doesn't want to leave me or end the marriage. But how can I live like this knowing he's unhappy everyday?


Is it true, did you push him to have a child? 

At the end of the day, he made that choice - he has to live with it. Is he a good dad? If not then your child is probably better off if you divorce and let your husband go his own way. 

It's also possible that he's struggling with his mental health and that this is causing or worsening how he feels. 

Either way, no more children with this man unless something changes (like treatment for depression). You both know he doesn't want more kids, so you both need to be responsible and prevent another pregnancy.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

May be mid-life crisis slipping in. It's a real thing and sometimes it affects some more than others. Combine it with work stress and it can really do a number on a man. All I can offer is what my wife did when I went through something similar. Be patient and understanding with him. When he is home, make sure that home is a nice place to come home to. Be loving and let him know that he is loved. The last thing he needs right now is a nagging wife who is short with him. Plan date nights with just the two of you. Put on something cute and sit on his lap. Plan family time with your daughter. Find out if there is something in particular that he thinks he is going to miss out on. This will probably pass, but you will need to be patient and loving.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

A good man would devote himself to his children. He would not want to abandon them for anything.

Unless you committed an act of DNA fraud or used a turkey baster without his knowledge, he should double down on being the best father he can be.


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## Melden27 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Is it true, did you push him to have a child?
> 
> At the end of the day, he made that choice - he has to live with it. Is he a good dad? If not then your child is probably better off if you divorce and let your husband go his own way.
> 
> ...


I didn't push him to have a child. He just knew how much I wanted to have kids and I guess he did it for me. We have already gone through the "no more kids" talk.

As for being a good dad, he does what he needs to do and he takes care of us. But if you ask him to voluntarily spend time with his daughter he won't do it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Melden27 said:


> As for being a good dad, he does what he needs to do and he takes care of us. But if you ask him to voluntarily spend time with his daughter he won't do it.


Has he always been that way? Or was he more involved at one point?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Its just me, but nobody told him to let his sperm loose if he didn't want to have kids. It's a responsibility you take seriously. That's an immature guy talking, I don't care if he didn't want to, he has a kid now. He has to deal with it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How heartbreaking for your daughter. She will sense that her dad resents her and that will affect her a lot. If he had an sense of responsibility he would do the right thing anyway and be a good dad.


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## Melden27 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Has he always been that way? Or was he more involved at one point?


I feel like there was a point where he tried harder but maybe he was trying to convince himself that things would change/get better. His actions with her have always seemed to lack something. He just seems like an empty shell interacting with her.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Melden27 said:


> I feel like there was a point where he tried harder but maybe he was trying to convince himself that things would change/get better. His actions with her have always seemed to lack something. He just seems like an empty shell interacting with her.


Is he repeating how his father was to him?


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## Melden27 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> Is he repeating how his father was to him?


No, his father is completely involved and loves and deeply cares for all his children.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is so sad and common.

With a child, it restricts many of the fun activities that a couple can do.


Two solutions:

a) Give him as much sex as he can stand.

b) Get a babysitter and go on dates and do those things he misses.


It is ironic and hurtful, that you must do this, when he is the unhappy person.
Try it anyway.

I agree with the mid-life crisis tenet.

He is getting itchy feet, yearning balls, and he is now just getting that dreaded fear of aging.

He also may be suffering with depression.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is TAM.

This is a WAG.

Before any one else brings it up, he may have his eye and mind on another woman.
He thinks and dreams only of her, neglecting his family.


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## Fly With Me (Jul 11, 2021)

It sounds like a midlife crisis. He has unmet needs that are coming up for attention. If you can both pay attention and try to meet more of his needs that will really help. (He may need to go through a process of figuring out what they are if he has been a nice guy all his life.) The other side you guys could have a deeper, stronger relationship. My husband didnt like our kids for months while he was going through something similar. Now he loves them as much or more than ever and likes them too.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Melden27 said:


> He just knew how much I wanted to have kids and I guess he did it for me.


Well, then your reciprocation should be to give him what he wanted to have, and that was YOU. When my wife became mommy, she forgot all about being wifey. I became the pack mule whose sole purpose was to PROVIDE for her and for THE KIDS. EVERYTHING was THE KIDS. NOTHING was me. I was simply a basinette and a white picket fence. A functional appliance. This contributed greatly to my round with mid-life-crisis. My wife and my kids swam in the pool, I cleaned and fixed the pool. I didn't have time to swim in it because I had two jobs so that she could be SAHM. I parked my Volkswagon Beetle on the street and rode to work with exhaust fumes coming in from rusted out heater cores through my defroster so she could park her debt-secured gas guzzling boat in the concrete driveway.



Melden27 said:


> As for being a good dad, he does what he needs to do and he takes care of us.


That is all you can ever expect. You may very well thank God for it. He sacrificed FOR YOU. There are utter millions of "dads" who DO NOT do what they need to do and DO NOT take care of their wives and kids, and who couldn't care ****ing less about their wife's motivation, goals, and fulfillment in life. Consider yourself blessed.

If you really want to help your husband, spend time with him. Have sex with him. Go places with him. Do things with him. NOT KIDS. NOT IN-LAWS, not friends, HIM. ONLY. Formulaic success.



Melden27 said:


> He just seems like an empty shell interacting with her.


I have to admit, that was me. I did what I SHOULD, but it was far more lip-service than heart service.



SunCMars said:


> ......another woman. He thinks and dreams only of her, neglecting his family.


Many times, that is precisely where it leads. It's usually an empty, fake, hollow shell of a woman who gives him attention, praise, and who wants to go to bed with him, at least for now, until she can "get" him and prove that she is "better than" you.



SunCMars said:


> He also may be suffering with depression.


Yes. After years, the fatalistic view takes over. He sees himself getting older, less able to compete, and the bills and the responsibilities are just, by God, relentless, and he has FAILED. Failed to achieve the happiness he wanted. Failed to achieve the success he wanted. Failed to even get his wife's attention.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Melden27 said:


> As for being a good dad, he does what he needs to do and he takes care of us.





TJW said:


> That is all you can ever expect.


Uh, no. That's the bare minimum that should be expected. A father should be more than just a paycheck and occasional babysitter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I


Melden27 said:


> No, his father is completely involved and loves and deeply cares for all his children.


It's a good job she has one caring father figure at least.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Well, he would still have to work and pay bills and have responsibilities like every other adult in the world, even if he didn't have a family. Sometimes, people don't recognize that fact and blame all their disappointments, stress, fatigue, etc. on the family. 

Maybe he is burned out and needs a break.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many people, men and women, discover too late that they aren’t cut out for parenthood. Some make the best of the situation. Some don’t. The child(ren) obviously can tell the difference. This is his problem to solve. He’ll either step up or he won’t but you can’t fix this for him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> you can’t fix this for him.


But you can for your daughter. Teach her that she may grow up not having "the best" dad, but that she is growing up having a GOOD dad.....and that beyond about age 18, it is going to be irrelevant whether her dad was good, bad, indifferent. It is going to then become SOLELY HER RESPONSIBILITY what she does with HER OWN life. She should accept what her dad gives with thankfulness, and seek her own remedies for his deficiencies.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

theloveofmylife said:


> he would still have to work and pay bills and have responsibilities like every other adult in the world, even if he didn't have a family.


Yes. However, about a third of the time, and with less than half the responsibilities.
That's where the mid-life-crisis comes in...... the part where there is an exponentially-diminishing reward for effort.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Melden27 said:


> My husband (M/40) has seemed so unhappy for the past few months. I (F/38) assumed it was due to work stress. Our daughter is now 5yo and he revealed to me last night that he never wanted to have kids and I pushed him to have one. He loves our daughter but also feels like she's ruined his life and now he's doomed to be unhappy and to just deal with it. He loves me and he doesn't want to leave me or end the marriage. But how can I live like this knowing he's unhappy everyday?


Encourage him to get some therapy. Depression in men can take many forms. If he is struggling with depression, the best thing you can do for him is help him seek help.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

TJW said:


> That's where the mid-life-crisis comes in...... the part where there is an exponentially-diminishing reward for effort.


I hear you, but it doesn't necessarily have to be like that, IMO.

I feel that sometimes, MLC is a bit of a reckoning... finally realizing that you are with the wrong person or in the wrong field, or w/e and wondering why you didn't do something about it sooner. Thinking, is this all there is? 

I could be wrong, but it just seems to me that happily married people don't seem to have as many MLC issues.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You need to have a major discussion (if you haven't already) about what specifically is
Bugging him about fatherhood. It sounds like maybe he's just not into kids? He needs to come out and
Express his feelings in detail. Maybe there is somethings come out that can help. 
Personally I can't imagine Not being crazy about your kid, but thats me, not him.

IMHO maybe people are being a bit hard on the dude. After all, he is doing his duty if only out of
Duty. You can't really fake feelings. Can that be changed somehow? Counseling.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you should ask him if there's anything you can do that will make him happier about the situation. You might also tell him you are past some of the harder years having gotten out of toddlerhood. Find out if there's something you can do to make him happier. 

He probably just isn't a kid person. Maybe he would be happy with a dog or something like that or maybe he wants more alone time with you and you can manage all of those things. 

Or maybe he wants more time with the guys or off by himself fishing or something. He probably is feeling trapped so just ask him what he needs. Don't share this with your child.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

some people love being parents some love their kids. 

The fact that he won't voluntarily do anything with his daughter is extremely sad. It tells me that he isn't feeling a connection. He is either unwell (depression) or is moving on from his family.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How’s your sex life?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> some people love being parents some love their kids.
> 
> The fact that he won't voluntarily do anything with his daughter is extremely sad. It tells me that he isn't feeling a connection. He is either unwell (depression) or is moving on from his family.


Some people don't enjoy kids at all. It doesn't mean he is unwell, it just means he doesn't enjoy them and doesn't want one. 

There are many people in the world who prefer to be child free for this reason.

It doesn't mean there is something wrong with him though. 

It's unfortunate he went ahead and fathered one. Maybe he didn't know the full extent of his not wanting one until after the fact.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Melden27 said:


> I feel like there was a point where he tried harder but maybe he was trying to convince himself that things would change/get better. His actions with her have always seemed to lack something. He just seems like an empty shell interacting with her.


Is there anything specific that he misses? Cuz this isn't normal... While it's normal to get burnt out at times because kids can be a handful, it isn't normal for a parent to feel drained every time they interact with their kids at all...

Is it possible that he is depressed?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Some people don't enjoy kids at all. It doesn't mean he is unwell, it just means he doesn't enjoy them and doesn't want one.
> 
> There are many people in the world who prefer to be child free for this reason.
> 
> ...


I'm leaning more towards depression, since the daughter is five and it has only been the last few months that he has been unhappy. 

Depression is a nasty beast and can really **** up a person's outlook on stuff.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> I'm leaning more towards depression, since the daughter is five and it has only been the last few months that he has been unhappy.
> 
> Depression is a nasty beast and can really **** up a person's outlook on stuff.


He says he _never_ wanted kids and only had one because she pushed him into it.

That doesn't sound like depression to me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Livvie said:


> He says he _never_ wanted kids and only had one because she pushed him into it.
> 
> That doesn't sound like depression to me.


It does to me, if it's a recent development. Depression can easily cause someone to be convinced that a person, even loved ones, are the source of their unhappiness. It's one of the reasons it is often a relationship killer.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> He says he _never_ wanted kids and only had one because she pushed him into it.
> 
> That doesn't sound like depression to me.


Happens a lot more than people usually want to admit to.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Happens a lot more than people usually want to admit to.


I have known people who enjoyed and wanted kids. I have also known people who didn't want kids, but who sacrificed that to please their mate, and did their duty to help instruct and provide for the kids. I have also known people who simply let their kids go to hell in a flaming rowboat.

In my opinion, behind door #1 is a good person.. Thankfully, we have some of these people here. Behind door #2 is a good person, thankfully, we have some of these people here, too. Behind door # 3 is a person who should be exterminated like a rodent. We would be far better off without them here.



DownByTheRiver said:


> He probably is feeling trapped so just ask him what he needs.


"Trapped" is indeed the operative word. He is trapped between his own desires for his own life, and the responsibility of his real life. He needs to find a meaning beyond the daily grind which is HIS, not his family's, not his kid's. He needs to learn that not everyone has the same mission or calling in life. There are some people behind door #1 who found a sense of mission in their spouse and children. Everyone agrees that people behind door #1 are good. Everyone agrees that people behind door #3 are bad.

His problem is that there is a plethora of widely-variant opinions expressed about people behind door #2, and he is weary of trying to "draw the line", and he doesn't know "where" (or how) to "draw" it.

His child has the benefit of a good father. He may not be the kind of father YOU want him to be, and he may not be the kind of father his child wants him to be, but both his wife and his child need to recognize that he was not made by God and put into this world to live up to THEIR expectations. He has his own calling and his own purpose. He is GOOD because he has made the conscious decision to provide for his family, not because he becomes 100% sacrificial, but because he is far more tha 0% sacrificial.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

theloveofmylife said:


> happily married people don't seem to have as many MLC issues.


You are correct. And, that is because, their natural inclinations are set to find fulfillment in marriage and family. There is therefore no reason for a "MLC".



Livvie said:


> he didn't know the full extent of his not wanting one until after the fact.


Dear God, who does ? We tend to grow up and do what our parents did. Most of us have a vague idea of our aspirations, but have no earthly idea how much time and attention and toil it requires to be a parent.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> It does to me, if it's a recent development. Depression can easily cause someone to be convinced that a person, even loved ones, are the source of their unhappiness. It's one of the reasons it is often a relationship killer.


She said earlier on that he has always been this way with their daughter, he just recently admitted why. If it was a recent thing then I'd agree that it's likely depression.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Some people don't enjoy kids at all. It doesn't mean he is unwell, it just means he doesn't enjoy them and doesn't want one.
> 
> There are many people in the world who prefer to be child free for this reason.
> 
> ...


yes, but this is *his* child. There is no bond there. This is the issue, not whether he likes children. This is only really understood by parents. Even if you are not into children there should be a paternal bond. I know many many people that are not into kids at all, but they are bonded to their own.

-I've come back to edit this. I realize I'm answering this as a woman who didn't want children and I don't really like them on mass, I don't like the activities that go with them, play centres etc. I fell pregnant with my first, without any family or partner support. I had my child not because I'm anti abortion but I felt the bond from the moment I found out I was pregnant. My next child was planned with the same man. I would fight to the death for both of them. The children's father, my ex loved our second child. he went out of his way to spend time with them, he planned things, he showed favouritism, it was obvious. 

He didn't want our first child, and it was obvious, sadly also to our child.

Sadly the second child he lost interest in when we separated and he moved out. He sees her, but has no real connection with her. She has been very unwell in the last few years and he just is not that interested. This has affected her badly. He goes through the motions. He is no longer emotionally connected to our second child. But he does his due diligence when he has his weekends with her.

But our first child, in the last few years he is interested in again. I think my ex now wants a pal and treats our son as such,

I guess what I'm saying is both of the children don't feel loved by their father. There is something missing. This has affected them both emotionally. So maybe the OP's husband doesnt have depression but this will affect the child and how she views herself. Most people attach to their children, some people just don't have the ability. Depression takes this away temporarily. Someone like my ex husband it's just not there, for their children or for other people.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

m.t.t said:


> yes, but this is *his* child. There is no bond there. This is the issue, not whether he likes children. This is only really understood by parents. Even if you are not into children there should be a paternal bond. I know many many people that are not into kids at all, but they are bonded to their own.


That’s true for some but not all. My exH and I had one child and neither of us had other children. I was very bonded and he was not bonded at all. That never changed.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

bobert said:


> Is it true, did you push him to have a child?
> 
> At the end of the day, he made that choice - he has to live with it. Is he a good dad? If not then your child is probably better off if you divorce and let your husband go his own way.
> 
> ...


A bad dad is better than no dad. New research shows divorce is almost the most harmful thing you can do to a child.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

damo7 said:


> A bad dad is better than no dad. New research shows divorce is almost the most harmful thing you can do to a child.


So a father who is too high and/or drunk to care for his children and risks their lives is better than no dad? A father who doesn't care enough to feed his children is better than no dad? A father who emotionally abuses his children is better than no dad? A father who beats his children is better than no dad? A father who molests, rapes, or sells his children is better than no dad?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

damo7 said:


> A bad dad is better than no dad. New research shows divorce is almost the most harmful thing you can do to a child.


Since when does divorce mean no dad?

OH WAIT, IT DOESN'T.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

damo7 said:


> A bad dad is better than no dad. New research shows divorce is almost the most harmful thing you can do to a child.


No. 

Child abuse, poor parenting, parental drug use, low economic status, etc etc all worse than divorce.


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