# What is he doing?



## shy1234

I have been separated for about 6 months now, we've been together for close to 4.There was still a lot of love there when the separation happened, things were just in a slump and we were arguing, I was depressed from fall of last year until about September and I had become too reliant on his actions to validate myself. I had low self esteem and it was bad and it was definitely there before.

I was becoming this crazy woman, I wasn't obsessive though more cold and distant. I stopped helping him with bills, spent all my money, we were consistently arguing. So, I moved back home which is a 2 hour drive away. I really felt like that was something I needed to do for me, selfish yes, very selfish. I realized a lot on my own and the rest I was able to confront by seeing a counselor. 

Recently my husband and I had somewhat of a breakthrough and we decided we were going to work things out, I'm quickly realizing that we might have different views on what that means at this point. Now, he is confusing me. I have two main issues:

1. I found out Tuesday that he is still seeing his FWB, at least that's how he describes her without using those terms. We agreed we would see other people initially, but I assumed since we were going to start mending our relationship that would have stopped. He's kind of over sharing like at this point I know she's supposed to be polyamorous and bisexual, which was very intimidating to me at first because I was thinking "How the hell am I going to compete with that?". Then I realized there's no need to compete, either he wants you or he doesn't, simple. They also had an agreement to tell one another when they had sex with someone else and she got upset with him once he told her he'd had sex with me. I feel like he's being deceptive, it's not a deal breaker because technically he didn't cheat but that's making way for bad habits.

2. Before I found out about the ongoing FWB we talked about us being closer. I am 100% willing to move closer to him and I planned on it next semester. I planned to move into my own place though, I was only thinking that because I assumed he would want to keep his space. I'd love to move in with him but I want him to be ready for that and not feel obligated to do so. We were on two different pages though because he told me his plan was for me to move in with him and he sleep in his brothers room while he's on the road and I have his room. What I don't understand here is why not sleep in the same room?

I can't help but to feel like he is fathering me, yes he's my husband and it's sweet he's looking out for me but he's not treating me like an adult. I'm sure he's used to having to but I don't need that anymore. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed I ever did but I can't take that back. I planned on going to see him this coming Tuesday(now I'm not so sure) and he INSISTS on giving me gas money for the 2 hour drive. I absolutely will not take it. He would never accept gas money from me. 

I've decided as long as he is sexually active with someone else I won't be with him. I can't stomach the though of it. So, now his sex life is his business but he will be having to get STD testing and be done sleeping around before we are intimate again, especially without a condom. 

So now I am here, looking for advice on what do to. How do I talk to him without seeming accusatory? For instance the sex thing, if he still wants to have sex with other women that's perfectly fine, but how do I tell him that I no longer want to without making it seem like I'm penalizing him? I am working on my communication skills because I know I can be harsh.


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## aine

You H is having his cake and eating it, and will continue to do so, if you do not lay down boundaries.

Why did you separate in the first place? What exactly drove you to become cold and distant? Was it a distancing in your relationship? Was he cheating?

You cannot assume anything, you have to communicate, communicate, communicate. You left him, he got someone else so you have to reestablish boundaries. Having said his some would think it was stupid to allow seeing others when you are still married and trying to work it out???

How old are you?


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## shy1234

Boundaries is what drove me distant, my lack there of to be exact. I was a yes man for my family, mainly my sisters and my mom. My younger sister had a surprise baby last year so I moved home (from school) to help her and my mom out and my older sister had a mental breakdown then moved back home. My husband and I basically had 3 children (my sisters and nephew) to take care of during our first year of marriage. I thought by dealing with my family directly I was shielding him from their toxicity but it took over me. I gave so much to them I had nothing left to give my husband, my best friend. I gave to them because it was safer for me, I think. 

Family is always going to be there but you can't be certain with your spouse, that's what I was taught growing up and it seems I was the only idiot to take heed because now while both my sisters and my mom are off living their lives. I completely neglected mine. A bit melodramatic I know but you get the gist. It was an emotional affair he had, I've always just been stand offish but that's just the type of family I was raised in. This isn't an excuse for his behavior but I can't say now looking back I don't understand how he felt that doesn't mean he should have done it though. 

His family hugs and say I love you, we don't but I want to be that way and I've gotten much better. In the beginning it didn't seem genuine, now I'm loving without abandon. I kissed him outside of my apartment the last time I saw him and I was firmly against PDA before, When I did I didn't cringe, I didn't someone might be watching, I just didn't care. I kissed my husband, so what. A lot of this is attributed to my upbringing, I was raised in a very pious single parent household. I don't know if you've ever heard of Pentecostal Apostolic but if so then that's what it was. It's hard to be a woman in that denomination. Kind of like the workings of the Kingston Klan (polygamist) but without the polygamy. 

These past few months I've challenged the pillars of my beliefs and I've been rebuilding them. I didn't realize how much my mom and her religious beliefs had affected me until I took a long hard look at myself. There's a lot there but what I got out of it is that I felt inadequate, not because of him but because of God, who/what I was taught God was. 

I'm not going to give my exact age because I feel like there could be some bias. I will say I am over 21, not yet 26.

As far as boundaries, I have them. I'm just not sure how to go about laying them. I guess, I don't know how to talk to him without making him feel like he's being penalized for doing what he wants. If that's what he wants then that's fine, I'm just not going to be a part of that. I'll be his friend, maybe but that's it. I'm not planning on allowing him to see other people while working it out, I plan on opting out, until/if he decides he is done with that. I don't mind fighting for my marriage but not in this way. 

I just feel like I'm in the doghouse and I don't want to come off demanding or as if I am giving him an ultimatum. This is what I am comfortable with, not what I want. That's what I can handle. I also don't want to give him the impression that I'll be waiting for him to decide that he wants me and only me.


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## thebirdman

Whew! That segment of religion is hard to unlearn. Former IFBer here. Don't know if this is a shared experience but I often feel that my adult life has consisted much of having to unlearn things. I made a choice to "liberalize" (according to them) and move over to the land of mainline Christianity with preachers who wear robes, communion every Sunday, and short homilies. It may not be right for you but I find it provides stability and often good instruction and influence. 

You have made mistakes. You know this. Sounds like you know why as well, at least in part. You need to sit down with your husband and establish ground rules. Not being demanding just agreeing on reasonable expectations. Your husband should not be seeing other women if he wants to work on his marriage with you. You have to tell him how you feel. It's not necessary for you two to just try to smash your lives back together all at once. 

If you haven't already, you both need to attend Marrital counseling. You'll find out quickly whether or not your relationship is salvageable. 

Open, honest communication is an absolute must. Your marriage can't work without it. Marriage counseling will help you work on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy1234

Yes! On the unlearning, especially right now. It was especially hard for me to try and fix everything for everyone. I'm okay with it now, I welcome it. I need the change.

I kind of feel he's afraid to go all in because he's afraid he'll always come last and that's just something I'm going to have to prove wrong within reason of course. there is some information I feel is of importance at this point, before we had the breakthrough he had actually told me that he was 100% over me and while he still loved and cared about me it wasn't in that way anymore(it broke my heart to hear that but I never believe it for a second mainly because he didn't want a divorce). We are young, we have no assets to split.

A month after that conversation I asked him if he could meet me halfway so we could have a conversation because I was tired of using the phone. When we got there I did something that I should have done a long time ago, I apologized for my role in the demise of our relationship and explained to him what I was going through. I wanted him to let him know that I was REALLY okay because he consistently asked and to give him an explanation because he deserved that much.

When the breakthrough came he told me that the previous conversation(in that instant)brought all of his dead feelings back. The only thing is we were slightly intoxicated and even though he started the conversation that night and confessed how he felt I feel responsible and, bad even. I feel like people say anything when they're tipsy. We were constantly telling each other we love each other and just letting each other know it's going to be okay and that we aren't going to get a divorce. But we were drunk! I didn't expect it though, I was trying to be his friend like he wanted so I feel so bad like I had conned him into changing his mind. I feel like I made him love me. 

I'm going to ask about counseling again Tuesday because for a while he was SO against going but he's softened toward it now.


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## thebirdman

You don't have to feel bad. You can't "make him love you." He probably still has feelings for you even if he doesn't want to admit that. Sometimes the pain makes people want to just shut the door on a relationship. Shutting the door isn't that easy. Let him know he does not have to be all in at this point. Undoing the hurt starts out a day at a time. Ask him if he is willing to try to work with you on this. Let him know that you're not wanting him to commit to anything long term, just that you want to try some options and that you are fully open to revisiting those options later. 
If and when you do go to counseling, be sure to find one that works for you. Some marriage counsellors are brilliant and some are not. Don't hesitate to fire one if needed. 

All too often we let communications break down and let our vicious cycle of emotions control us. We have to learn how to see through that. 

Your marriage is very fixable. It will take more than just you to fix it. When I was growing up they taught me that basically marriage was like and entity in and of itself. "Put God first in your life and everything will be great." I have since learned that was the biggest load of crap. You are two individuals with differing wants and needs. When your marriage breaks down, it means the dynamic between you is damaged. Rebuilding your marriage relies in a large part on rebuilding your dynamic and learning how you best communicate and interact with one another. I say "you" because it doesn't work the same for everyone. We all receive love in different ways. We have to learn how to give love in the way out SO receives it.

Don't worry about your age. I'm roughly your age. Relationship troubles are hard no matter how old you are. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

So, he is having sex with you, and his FWB, while she (FWB) has sex with any number of people, that she may or may not have been honest with your husband about?


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## shy1234

Yes, I'm realizing this a process, albeit a long one. I'll take all of this with me Tuesday when I go visit. I'm so very tired of the mixed messages. I just want the transparency I'm trying so hard to give him. 

The sex is not ongoing between my husband and I. We had sex once(before I know about fwb, nothing since).They are both having sex outside of each other from my understanding. Well at least he told me she had and he didn't understand why she had gotten mad at him when he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61

I am a bit confused....are you both wanting to come back into each other lives? in a monogamous relationship ?....to be honest the sex thing isn't the reason you both separated in the first place is it?....what were the cause of the separation and have you addressed those? this other stuff, though important is just noise right now.


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## VeryHurt

What is FWB ??
Thanks!


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## shy1234

VeryHurt said:


> What is FWB ??
> Thanks!


Friend with benefits
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy1234

Xenote said:


> I am a bit confused....are you both wanting to come back into each other lives? in a monogamous relationship ?....to be honest the sex thing isn't the reason you both separated in the first place is it?....what were the cause of the separation and have you addressed those? this other stuff, though important is just noise right now.




If you read the posts then you get the answer to those answers I believe. Sorry I'm being short. I'm using my cell phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt

VeryHurt said:


> What is FWB ??
> Thanks!


Oh, thanks.


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## brooklynAnn

What is the end goal? Is it to get back together and live as man and wife? Or are you guys trying to figure out if this relationship worth saving?

You both need to decide what you want out this new connection. Stay dating; including dating other people or be exclusive. You need to sit down and discuss the boundaries needed. 

What are you doing to make certain that you are healthy and capable to be in a relationship for the long term?


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## shy1234

Xenote said:


> I am a bit confused....are you both wanting to come back into each other lives? in a monogamous relationship ?....to be honest the sex thing isn't the reason you both separated in the first place is it?....what were the cause of the separation and have you addressed those? this other stuff, though important is just noise right now.


The plan is to come back into each others lives as man and wife in a monogamous relationship. Our sex life wasn't great and that just added stress to the already strained relationship. We've addressed and taken responsibility for our individual roles in the demise of our relationship but we haven't sat down and really discussed how it all came together yet. I think I need to figure out how committed he is to making our marriage work at this point because it may not be the right time.


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## shy1234

brooklynAnn said:


> What is the end goal? Is it to get back together and live as man and wife? Or are you guys trying to figure out if this relationship worth saving?
> 
> You both need to decide what you want out this new connection. Stay dating; including dating other people or be exclusive. You need to sit down and discuss the boundaries needed.
> 
> What are you doing to make certain that you are healthy and capable to be in a relationship for the long term?


The end goal is to is to get back together as man and wife, exclusively that is what we discussed. I plan on speaking with him again Tuesday to see what he's thinking so I know. I came up with a list of questions to ask him, I just need some clarity. Me, personally I've been seeing a counselor for some time now.


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## shy1234

Thanks guys for all of your advice and responses! I will post an update some time next week!


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## Satya

No offense, but your questions will mean jack to him. What he says in response to them is going to be meaningless. What he DOES is the answer to your questions. You watch his ACTIONS and from those you gather whether he's on the same page as you. The fact that he's still with his FWB says plenty. He's not chosen you. Why would he when he can have you both?

I wouldnt ask questions when you go. I would make statements. I would TELL him plainly, "I want a monogamous relationship and I refuse to share you with another woman, therefore you need to cut all ties with her immediately or I'm gone." And if he argues about it, then you have his answer... And you follow through with your statement of FACT and LEAVE with your dignity intact, secure in the knowledge that you can and WILL find a man that better meets your needs. 

Lastly, I hope you both have tested for STDs. Your ex RISKED YOUR LIFE by having sex with you and not telling you about his FWB. That shows you through his ACTIONS the amount of care he has for you.


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## cdbaker

I think a few folks have said some or all of the following, but I'll lay down my thoughts anyway:

1. For starters, don't assume anything. If you were both allowed to see other people before and are talking about working on a reconciliation together, it does make sense that you should be exclusive during that time, but I can certainly see it making sense to other people that they shouldn't have to give up seeing someone else until the reconciliation is more firm. (Like moving in together, renewing vows, verbally committing to exclusivity, etc.)

2. Setting boundaries and making them clear to others is really only about YOU, not them. If you make it about them, then it becomes a controlling behavior where you are trying to punish or manage him. For instance, telling him that he's not allowed to see anyone else if you attempt to reconcile is a controlling tactic, but making clear to him that you are unwilling to commit to a reconciliation attempt with someone who is not equally committed to being exclusive with you is a healthy boundary. The idea is that he can do whatever he wants, but you have boundaries regarding who you are willing to be in a relationship with, and one of them is exclusivity.

3. Communicate communicate communicate. You mention a handful of things he's done or is doing that bug you, but you also seen to indicate that you understand why he has been and is doing these things. Maybe because it's what you and he had gotten used to in your marriage for instance, but the "new you" is troubled by them. That makes sense, and it probably means he's not doing any of it intentionally so that's a good thing. This is when you just need to communicate with him respectfully and with compassion how you have discovered a lot of new things about yourself (both good and bad) and how you have been seeking to make some changes that you feel would be good for both of you, and how some of the things he might do with good intentions actually bother you now. I think if you explain it with respect, he'll understand completely.

4. Communicate some more. Don't beg, don't nag. Don't ask him to give up the FWB, just explain your position and your needs/boundaries.


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## survive_to_die

cdbaker said:


> I think a few folks have said some or all of the following, but I'll lay down my thoughts anyway:
> 
> 1. For starters, don't assume anything. If you were both allowed to see other people before and are talking about working on a reconciliation together, it does make sense that you should be exclusive during that time, but I can certainly see it making sense to other people that they shouldn't have to give up seeing someone else until the reconciliation is more firm. (Like moving in together, renewing vows, verbally committing to exclusivity, etc.)
> 
> 2. Setting boundaries and making them clear to others is really only about YOU, not them. If you make it about them, then it becomes a controlling behavior where you are trying to punish or manage him. For instance, telling him that he's not allowed to see anyone else if you attempt to reconcile is a controlling tactic, but making clear to him that you are unwilling to commit to a reconciliation attempt with someone who is not equally committed to being exclusive with you is a healthy boundary. The idea is that he can do whatever he wants, but you have boundaries regarding who you are willing to be in a relationship with, and one of them is exclusivity.
> 
> 3. Communicate communicate communicate. You mention a handful of things he's done or is doing that bug you, but you also seen to indicate that you understand why he has been and is doing these things. Maybe because it's what you and he had gotten used to in your marriage for instance, but the "new you" is troubled by them. That makes sense, and it probably means he's not doing any of it intentionally so that's a good thing. This is when you just need to communicate with him respectfully and with compassion how you have discovered a lot of new things about yourself (both good and bad) and how you have been seeking to make some changes that you feel would be good for both of you, and how some of the things he might do with good intentions actually bother you now. I think if you explain it with respect, he'll understand completely.
> 
> 4. Communicate some more. Don't beg, don't nag. Don't ask him to give up the FWB, just explain your position and your needs/boundaries.


:iagree: these are 4 points that really helped me in my current position as well, thanks CDB (I should mention they are helping my frame of mind, I haven't actually have the chance to implement them... yet)


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## shy1234

Satya said:


> No offense, but your questions will mean jack to him. What he says in response to them is going to be meaningless. What he DOES is the answer to your questions. You watch his ACTIONS and from those you gather whether he's on the same page as you. The fact that he's still with his FWB says plenty. He's not chosen you. Why would he when he can have you both?
> 
> I wouldnt ask questions when you go. I would make statements. I would TELL him plainly, "I want a monogamous relationship and I refuse to share you with another woman, therefore you need to cut all ties with her immediately or I'm gone." And if he argues about it, then you have his answer... And you follow through with your statement of FACT and LEAVE with your dignity intact, secure in the knowledge that you can and WILL find a man that better meets your needs.
> 
> Lastly, I hope you both have tested for STDs. Your ex RISKED YOUR LIFE by having sex with you and not telling you about his FWB. That shows you through his ACTIONS the amount of care he has for you.


I agree with you 100%. I have been tested, I told him we can go together and get tested. Either way, in order for me to be comfortable with being intimate with him again he needs to do the same.


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## shy1234

Hi everyone, I know it's been a while. Compared to where I was when I posted on this forum we've come a long way. I learned one of my biggest problems is setting boundaries, with all my interpersonal relationships though not just with him. I told him what I needed to move on from where we were and he was very receptive, way more receptive than I thought he would be. The biggest thing is that he is willing to meet my needs, as I am meeting his. 

It's definitely not all glitter and rainbows, we're in the process of re-learning each other and really just re-defining our relationship etc. etc. He seems to be willing to put in the work, as am I so I guess we will see how things end up. 

Thank You All So Much!


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