# Not sexist! I promise....



## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Ok, after reading many threads on this site and my experience with my own relationships, I am going to ask a question, that I hope gets a lot of responses. Has our society actually changed that much? Hold on...please read on... I'm not talking about the cell phones and all the technology that has embraced us so quickly, but I guess I mean the way that we think and perceive a relationship between a man and a woman. Maybe it has, but have the minds only been of women? 

In both of my marriages I have been able to see the same thing. Men would be the happiest if it were like it was more than 100 years ago. Where women only spoke when spoken to, did nothing but take care of the house and the family, because that was their job, or never told their feelings or thoughts to their husbands. Considering everything that has been installed in me threw my fellow wives, women, mother and grandmother, have I been steered wrong?

In both relationships, my husband would have been the happiest if i would only SHUT UP. They should be able to do what they want when they want (hunt, fish, watch football, play video games) no matter what else was going on in the house or with the family. They shouldn't have to help around the house, (thats the womans job), they are bringing home the money and that should be enough. Sex: only when they want and as much as they want. Ok, Ok, on the outside it doesn't LOOK that bad. These days, they try to help, and make you feel like they care about your feelings, but is it deep down still the same? Is that truly how to make men happy? Have their ancestors made that big of an impact on them that they are not able to evolve their thinking along with a womans? If I was to sit back, not say anything, never ***** about having to do the dishes, and the laundry and take care of the kids, never ask what he's thinking, have sex only when he wants, and don't ask questions, would my marriage have lasted longer the first time? 

SO I ask, should I be mad at Dr. Phil and Oprah, my mother, and friends for leading me to believe that I don't have to put up with those type of actions from a man? Or is it that I am fighting a loosing battle and just need to realize that men will never change, and I should just get used to holding in my thoughts and feelings, my need for sex, and my idea of living in a FAIR relationship?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

FrenchMomma said:


> SO I ask, should I be mad at Dr. Phil and Oprah, my mother, and friends for leading me to believe that I don't have to put up with those type of actions from a man? Or is it that I am fighting a loosing battle and just need to realize that men will never change, and I should just get used to holding in my thoughts and feelings, my need for sex, and my idea of living in a FAIR relationship?


There are still many cultures in the world today where women cannot get an education, vote, etc. and when that is all you know, you live your life as such. I feel extremely fortunate to live here and to know that my life is what I make of it, without these limitations in place.

To answer your question, I don't think it's black and white, either this or that. I think you can focus on making your husband happy and receive the same in return. Basically, if you share a deep love for one another and want your spouse to be happy, neither person needs to feel unfulfilled. It becomes more of an understanding of your spouses needs and knowing some are the same as yours and others are different and working to meet those needs. I don't keep score or analyze whether it's fair. The more I give my husband seems to come back ten-fold for me so it becomes a non-issue.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

I can only speak for me but I love the fact that my wife works. Has a mind of her own and at times nags about stuff.(not everytime but sometimes). The whole thing about shutting up is sexist. Im not going to lie about that. There is no way in hell I would be able to tell my wife to just sit there and speak only when spoken to. She would have a fit and most likely she would have a couple of choice words for me.

I think that whole MEN rule all thing goes way back to the bible where people used the words and twisted them to mean something else. Men being the head of the household after God and the woman comes after God and the husband.

Even growing up I was told the mans the head of house. Hes the decision maker. No one explained it to me. Well not until I got married and my marraige was in hot water. You go through life with all this pride of being the MAN and when ther perverbial sugar honey ice tea hits the fan you have to find a way to humble yourself. 

I plan on teaching my kids (when we have kids) the proper ways of the roles we play as a married couple. Of course with my wifes help. Children learn by example.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ok, if the man does work fulltime, and the wife is a stay at home mom, what is her "job?" i don't think those duties have really changed much, maybe gotten easier, but they are still the same.

and consider that the man (in my house anyway) also does the yard work, cleans the pool, does all home maintenance, runs the kids to some sort of sports practice virtually every night of the week, oh and i work fulltime.

ok, now how i really feel. my wife does stay at home, and that is her choice for now. our kids are old enough and all in school so she could work if she wanted. what i have seen over the years is her become somewhat complacent around the house because there is no real drive for her to do the mundane tasks, she is not evaluated on it and there isn't any pressure that she will lose her "job" (she probably wouldn't mind anyway). my house is often a wreck, and i never really balk much about that.

so what does a stay at home mother supposed to do? if I could trade with her right now, i would. i do provide well for her and my children. would that not be considered a nice reward for keeping up her end of the bargain? 

we do speak in my house, i don't expect her to "SHUT UP", she likes sex too (when we have time), so she gets something out of it...it's just not a reward for me being a perfect husband.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

FrenchMomma said:


> Ok, after reading many threads on this site and my experience with my own relationships, I am going to ask a question, that I hope gets a lot of responses. Has our society actually changed that much? Hold on...please read on... I'm not talking about the cell phones and all the technology that has embraced us so quickly, but I guess I mean the way that we think and perceive a relationship between a man and a woman. Maybe it has, but have the minds only been of women?
> 
> In both of my marriages I have been able to see the same thing. Men would be the happiest if it were like it was more than 100 years ago. Where women only spoke when spoken to, did nothing but take care of the house and the family, because that was their job, or never told their feelings or thoughts to their husbands. Considering everything that has been installed in me threw my fellow wives, women, mother and grandmother, have I been steered wrong?
> 
> ...


In both of my marriages I have been able to see the same thing. Men would be the happiest if it were like it was more than 100 years ago.

LOL.. I wouldn't. Those people back then worked harder then than we do now, and we think we have it tough now. I wonder how they even had time for sex back then. :scratchhead:
Your husband wouldn't have time for video games back then, and if he did, he would be too busy to play them, muchless have time to watch a game on tv. Today we are too spoiled with what we have, that we forget about what should be most important to us than anything else..and that is our family. We should go out and do something with them, then be locked in a room playing video games 24/7. Did you know if a house-wife got paid for everything she does..it is well over one hundred thousand dollars a year?


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## Sabine (Sep 25, 2008)

Gosh be glad you dotn have to do so!
If oyu dont want ot have sex and he want oyu say no and if he insist you dash him one direct in the eye, or report him to the local police for rape or both.
as for how long a marriage alst. Are you in anyway interested in having a longer relationship with a husband that diowes not respect you and your needs and who treat oyu as an object and a multi slave?
or just to keep a lousy relationship longer than it should?
Why should you?
you just have to chose better next time and to make things sure before getting married. like sitting down with a wish list and asking the guy wha the think about dealign with house work and all the meanign of womens place on society.
You should have done so before gettign married and should still do so.
or it will never work.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

SO I ask, should I be mad at Dr. Phil and Oprah, my mother, and friends for leading me to believe that I don't have to put up with those type of actions from a man? Or is it that I am fighting a loosing battle and just need to realize that men will never change, and I should just get used to holding in my thoughts and feelings, my need for sex, and my idea of living in a FAIR relationship?




Most (not all men) are into sports, hun. That's just how it is. 

Some men try to make you happy and still get to do the things they want to do, while other don't give a damn. Married now..
this is the way it is, baby, take it or leave it. 

Dr. Phil and Oprah have a good point, hun. You don't have to take $#!^ off of no man, hun. Also, it is easy for them to say this, because if they need to leave their wife or husband, they don't have to worry about money and where to go if they did leave.


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Thank you all for your replies...after the first one I was thinking that i was told exactly what I didnt want to hear... that I was to jut be thankful for what I do have and learn how to enjoy "doing" for my husband. Which might be the case. This could be all in my head. That's why i asked. I was just wondering if anyone else felt the same way as I do....

As for my home life... I do work. Needless to say I am not a stay at home mom. I do only work 3 days a week, but they can be long days... only to come home and find both kids and my husband waiting on me to make dinner at 9o'clock at night. How dare I ask him to help. In fact he stays home...and has since I have met him. He is going threw a workmans comp case and gets paid to stay home. Things were great in the beginnig... he was all over me, wanted to help with whatever he could, would bring me flowers for no reason that kinda stuff. As time has gone on and I have seen his parents home life, I can only wonder if it is even worth tryin to change. I work my butt off to try and keep everything running smooth, housework, kids, and feel like I am desperatly tryng to please him. The more I do, the more I feel he wants...almost like I am spoiling him. So, when i do need help or finally ask for something I want, he's shocked and makes me feel horrible for doing so. Don't get me wrong he is a good guy, I just think it has to do with how he was raised... with each parent having a "role"...


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Oh, and I am the one who wants the sex...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

FrenchMomma said:


> Thank you all for your replies...after the first one I was thinking that i was told exactly what I didnt want to hear... that I was to jut be thankful for what I do have and learn how to enjoy "doing" for my husband. Which might be the case. This could be all in my head. That's why i asked. I was just wondering if anyone else felt the same way as I do....
> 
> As for my home life... I do work. Needless to say I am not a stay at home mom. I do only work 3 days a week, but they can be long days... only to come home and find both kids and my husband waiting on me to make dinner at 9o'clock at night. How dare I ask him to help. In fact he stays home...and has since I have met him. He is going threw a workmans comp case and gets paid to stay home. Things were great in the beginnig... he was all over me, wanted to help with whatever he could, would bring me flowers for no reason that kinda stuff. As time has gone on and I have seen his parents home life, I can only wonder if it is even worth tryin to change. I work my butt off to try and keep everything running smooth, housework, kids, and feel like I am desperatly tryng to please him. The more I do, the more I feel he wants...almost like I am spoiling him. So, when i do need help or finally ask for something I want, he's shocked and makes me feel horrible for doing so. Don't get me wrong he is a good guy, I just think it has to do with how he was raised... with each parent having a "role"...


and theres the rest of the story. if your workin and he is at home then he should be doing the traditional housekeeping duties, thats only fair. if he still expects you to work and keep house then he is a putz


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

But his defense is that he makes more than I do "sitting on his a**". And sometimes he does. What do I say to that? I guess the question is, if you make the money, do you not have to help with the house? Thats the "role" thing I'm talking about.

Example of the way I feel:
He walked in one morning, only awake to go to his football practice that he volunteers for, can see me putting away th dishes and the first thing out of his mouth is "what's the deal with all the laundry?" Not a hi, goodmorning, but a stupid little comment that might not mean much to anyone else... I get that stuff all the time. Making me feel that I am the only one in the house to handle all of that stuff. I never do enough, or do it right...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

FrenchMomma-

I only want to focus on the sex thing here, as it's the only thing I know anything about. What sort of discussions have you had with him on the subject?


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Well, the sex is a whole other issue. With his workmans comp thing that I have mentioned, came a back surgery...pain... and financial problems. All which are excuses for him to not feel like a "man". Needless to say he feels embarrassed in the bedroom. He has had problems with not staying hard or cumming too fast, but both are problems that I am deffinatly ok with! I guess for me, its not exactly the "sex" that I am looking for, but the affection or attention that I am longing for from him since all I seem to get from him are sarcastic comments or him complaining about the housework that I havent done. We have talked many times about the issue. But thats part of the problem too, if I bring up the subject of me wanting more, he says he feels pressured and then we won't do t for weeks. Which also makes me feel like I would have been better off had I not said a word about it... (like in my orignal post.) We will get on kicks where he will finally come to me for it, but then go months again without it. I am to the point where I have been turned down so much that I have just given up...which puts me just waiting on him, AGAIN. (do you see my point with the first thread yet?)
any suggestions? We need counseling, but he sees nothing wrong with us. He is content.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

FrenchMomma said:


> We need counseling, but he sees nothing wrong with us. He is content.


That's where the problem lies. If he can be content while you are unhappy he is not putting effort into your marriage. What if you asked him to spend 1 day or 1 week focused on making you happy...not telling him how but just let him figure that out...and you during that time let him know each time he hits the mark 'thanks for folding the laundry, that made my day' If he is willing to try, maybe it will open his eyes to see you more content.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> That's where the problem lies. If he can be content while you are unhappy he is not putting effort into your marriage.


By letting him get away with it, you have trained him to be lazy in bed. He could use his fingers if his penis is not feeling perky. I am not advocating arguing, I am talking about deciding what you want and telling him. If he is not interested in helping, why stay on? You are making him content - that's why *he *stays.


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

"You are making him content - that's why he stays."

Wow, I've never thought of it that way. Thank you.


"That's where the problem lies. If he can be content while you are unhappy he is not putting effort into your marriage. What if you asked him to spend 1 day or 1 week focused on making you happy...not telling him how but just let him figure that out...and you during that time let him know each time he hits the mark 'thanks for folding the laundry, that made my day' If he is willing to try, maybe it will open his eyes to see you more content."

I've asked him to try to do something like this before... but then Im the selfish one for worrying about my needs and wants when he is the one "hurting, and going threw all of this ****"...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Don't let him use his bad back as an excuse. See this other thread, and my harsh words - I had wey too much coffee today 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2452-another-distant-spouse.html


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If he has gotten the 'all clear' from his doctors it sounds like he's just gotten too complacent with his injury and is using guilt to manipulate you so he doesn't have to step it up.


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

swedish said:


> If he has gotten the 'all clear' from his doctors it sounds like he's just gotten too complacent with his injury and is using guilt to manipulate you so he doesn't have to step it up.


Thats exactly what I have been thinking for a while. Any suggestions on how to "fix" that?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

FrenchMomma said:


> Thank you all for your replies...after the first one I was thinking that i was told exactly what I didnt want to hear... that I was to jut be thankful for what I do have and learn how to enjoy "doing" for my husband. Which might be the case. This could be all in my head. That's why i asked. I was just wondering if anyone else felt the same way as I do....
> 
> As for my home life... I do work. Needless to say I am not a stay at home mom. I do only work 3 days a week, but they can be long days... only to come home and find both kids and my husband waiting on me to make dinner at 9o'clock at night. How dare I ask him to help. In fact he stays home...and has since I have met him. He is going threw a workmans comp case and gets paid to stay home. Things were great in the beginnig... he was all over me, wanted to help with whatever he could, would bring me flowers for no reason that kinda stuff. As time has gone on and I have seen his parents home life, I can only wonder if it is even worth tryin to change. I work my butt off to try and keep everything running smooth, housework, kids, and feel like I am desperatly tryng to please him. The more I do, the more I feel he wants...almost like I am spoiling him. So, when i do need help or finally ask for something I want, he's shocked and makes me feel horrible for doing so. Don't get me wrong he is a good guy, I just think it has to do with how he was raised... with each parent having a "role"...


He should have dinner waiting for you, or have the food come to your home sometimes. What you could do to help yourself, love, is get yourself a slow cooker, and buy meals for it, put it in when you start to work, and time it to be done when you come home from work. Looks like if you wait on him, Jesus will return to Earth before he will help you out.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Set the house on fire and see how fast he moves then...hmmm back's lookin' good right now! Okay, I'm getting loopy now. I have no idea because he needs to want to do that on his own. What do you think would get his attention?


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Thanks again for all of your concern. Its up to me I guess. Live with it or do something about it, right?


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Well, just like the post "fix it by not talking about it"...he is only a communicator when it comes to something that he wants to talk about. When we do sit down and actually discuss our feelings, we get nowhere. He claims that he will never be able to give me what I want because I will always want more. There may be some truth to that, but what is so wrong with wanting consistancy? Can it not be the way it was when we first met? And not so much about him? I feel horrible for asking for anything that I want in our relationship. And I dont feel that I am that needy. I want to get as much back as I give. Is that so much to ask? It sucks when you know you want someone more than they want you. But on the other hand, why am I wanting someone who doesnt want me back?


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## mel58109 (Sep 16, 2008)

I really expected more of this kind of thing from this forum - women complaining that they put more into marriage. Funny thing is, there are as many if not more men saying that they are the ones putting more into it! Read some more of the posts. I think women just attribute it to a sex thing and men just don't know what to think. It isn't any one thing, it's just the two people involved and how their lives are going at the moment. One marriage doesn't mean one life - there are two dynamics going on.


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

mel58109 said:


> I really expected more of this kind of thing from this forum - women complaining that they put more into marriage. Funny thing is, there are as many if not more men saying that they are the ones putting more into it! Read some more of the posts. I think women just attribute it to a sex thing and men just don't know what to think. It isn't any one thing, it's just the two people involved and how their lives are going at the moment. One marriage doesn't mean one life - there are two dynamics going on.


I absolutely agree with you about the whole "two dynamic" thing... but what do you do? How do you have a MARRIAGE while living 2 totally separate lives...having two totally different views on what marriage really means? I'm sure most marriages dont start off that way...the beginning consist of trying to impress someone, and putting on a face of what you "think" you want, but then as time goes on, we each get back into our little shells and habits. One becomes more important than the other because they always have had that sort of attention. Thats what I am here for right? Complaining....I think not. Merely trying to get other views on HOW to life a happy, married life.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

It does not matter who makes more money, period. It matters who actually works more. If you both work 40 hour a week jobs and one makes more money than the other than there is still no difference. The household chores should be split down the middle. 

If he's staying home then he should be the house *****, whether or not he gets paid workman's comp. 

If he can do things that he wants to do and make it around town then the back thing is a cop-out concerning sex. My husband also had to have back surgery and when he was on medication, he screwed like superman. Now, that he is off of medication for the most part, we have had to make some adjustments because sometimes he has the same problems as your husband thanks to nerve damage. We have toys that we play with and we get me off first so that it does not matter how long he lasts during the act. 

We used to have sex damn near daily, but are down to 1-2 times a week for the past month. We have been having some bad marital problems lately so that has to do with it more so than his back.

At one point, he was unemployed for a few months and he did not make any effort around the house nor to get another job. He had saved money that was paying the bills, but I was working full time, going to college full time and taking care of the house. I was lucky if I could get him to take out the garbage. I finally got fed up and quit my job and when he asked why I wasn't going to work I informed him that I was just going to stay home and be a bum also because what's good for the goose is good for the gander. He had a job within in the month and I never went back to work, but I do all of the house work and go to college full time. I am the quintessential 1950s housewife. I make jams and homemade bread and all that jazz. Plus, I always make sex good and interesting. Makes you wonder why we have marital problems?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I agree with Okie...he is a putz.

I work 40 hours a week, I coach 2 soccer teams, I ran my HS class 20 year reunion, I am the president of our HOA, I maintain our house, yard and pool. I am currently finishing off our basement, which has 4 rooms. (framming, sheetrock, mudding, snading, painting, drop ceiling, hardwood floors, bathroom, etc) Doing it myself!

I still do the dishes, the laundry, clean up after our kids, etc.

My wife also works full time and helps around the house as well.

Neither of us is perfect, but it is a marriage and we both have to take part of it.

I always enjoyed the saying...

there was couple that was happily married for 30 years, the couple was asked, what was the key to a happy marriage? The husband replied, "Well there is no I in Marriage" his wife replied, " I never corrected his spelling" :rofl:


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

"there was couple that was happily married for 30 years, the couple was asked, what was the key to a happy marriage? The husband replied, "Well there is no I in Marriage" his wife replied, " I never corrected his spelling" ....

I love that!!!

The point is, that I know that there are people out there who do both take part in everything... I'm sure my relationship problems are much deeper than just me wondering who thinks like him....or better yet, who thinks like me. But with the guys who seem to think like him, does it ever change? Or am I getting upset for putting more into our relationship than he is for nothing? 

Well i think my question was answered last night...

Quick update:

He woke up...first thing out of his mouth was about how he couldn't find any undershirts in his drawer...I had done most of the laundry the day before and had just not put it away yet...(it was sitting on top of the dryer)...my response..."all you have to do is look, I'm sorry that I didn't put them away fast enough for you..." 
SO already the day starts of just GREAT! He leaves for therapy, I feel bad and continue to finish the laundry, do the dishes, vaccum...he comes home...not a hi, or the house looks good, nothing...he eats lunch...leaves for football practice...We were kid free last night...so I had texted him asking about dinner...sugesting going out, or maybe cooking something together... "I don't know, I don't care" is the normal answer...he gets home, picks up the laptop, turns on the game...again i ask...this time suggesting that maybe he can cook me dinner tonight...I'll even help..."Ill make a F****ing peanut-butter and jelly" he says...frustrated I get up and proceed to the kitchen to cook...im tearing up now...all I was wanting was for him to want to do something for me, especially since I made it easy for him and ASKED...He follows, feeling bad I guess...and I ask him as nicely as I could to tell me the last time he thought he cooked dinner? He couldn't answer..."Im sure I've thrown something on the grill a time or two"...this is when it starts...His mouth and attitude just shoot threw the roof..."Its never F***ing enough for you is it"..."I never do anything around here do I"....I so badly wanted to say NO...but held my tounge... I said "its not about how much you are or aren't doing, its about showing me you care, and wanting to do stuff for me like I do for you"...he turns his back and storms to the bedroom...I follow...I didn't think I said anything that bad...he LOCKED the door...and wouldn't answer me when I asked him to unlock it... I cant put up with this...In my head, I'm only gonna get more p***ed off if I sit there and wait on him to talk to me... I wrote a note telling him to call me when he wanted to sit and talk about it like an adult. I am sick of not being able to come to him and tell him I need more. It was just dinner...why was it that big of a deal?...I get text messages all night saying that he obviously cant give me what I want, and since I left "its over"...

What did I do wrong? This is what I get when I even suggest that maybe he do something for me...if Its not about him all the time, then I am selfish and cant "just be happy" 

The thing is, I don't feel that I ask all the time or anything...in fact I hold it in as long as i can, putting on a smile while I try to juggle everything on my own while he lays on the bed and plays video games or sits in his chair with the laptop...I try really hard to suppress my feelings. But should I have to? What do I try next? I feel my marriage slipping further and further away...and I am defiantly not a quitter... SO I call him today...trying to show him that I want to make an effort to talk...I ask him if he wants to talk, or maybe meet me somewhere (so he cant run to the bedroom again)..."NO. Nope...I've got nothing to say. You are the one who wants more...not me! 


Now what?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Why do you stick around?


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Well, first of all, We got married... I am the type of person to work my a** off trying to make something work. I guess in this situation, almost to a fault. What I dont understand is how it got this way? We werent like this in the beginning. I could completely tell that he was in to me. We have plans for our future, and I cant see throwing them all away because I couldnt deal with what he can give me right now. I guess in my head I just keep hoping that he is right... that he is just stressed out, in pain, or depressed...whatever excuse he my have...and eventually it will get better. 

I have a beautiful little girl, whom I only want the best for. She calls him "daddy". Even though he is not. I divorced her dad when she was only 2. I've always thought both situations were completley different, but am now seeing that there may be some similaritys. Both times, I have found myself begging for attention from them in the end. Its like once they have me, I mean nothing. Thats kinda why I started this thread. To see if both of their family environments have a little something to do with the way they think they can treat their wives.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

FrenchMomma-

You're looking in the wrong place. Don't look outside yourself, for the solution or the analysis. Look within. You deserve respect, but somehow you fail to garner it - consistently. Once you are clear on your own self worth, nobody will think to abuse you.

I believe people can transform from low to high self esteem even when they are in a difficult marriage, it just takes commitment - to yourself. Your hubby is like a mirror. He is pre-programmed to show you just how much you value yourself. As you grow, his reaction will change.

It is not for you to say if your marriage can last. Part of growing can involve an outgrowing of unhelpful situations. Of course it would be nice if you can make it together.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I believe people can transform from low to high self esteem even when they are in a difficult marriage, it just takes commitment - to yourself. Your hubby is like a mirror. He is pre-programmed to show you just how much you value yourself. As you grow, his reaction will change.


I can sure relate to that one and can say as soon as I was 'done' with feeling overwhelmed, running around like a mad-woman trying to do everything I felt better. 

The change in those around me took a little time, but when things I used to do dropped off I would say, "I know there are no clean glasses. I washed what was in the kitchen, so check your room and bring them down. I don't have time to do that...or....I did all of the laundry that was in your hampers, if you have no clean jeans, you'll need to check around your room and put any dirty clothes in your hamper so it gets done next time. If you need it now, you can throw in a load"

Instead of letting frustrations build, I say when I don't have time for something that needs to get done and 'off-load' the stress of certain things...husband/kids will pick up the slack or they won't, but I let that one go...and will no longer give up date night with my husband because my son/daughter forgot to tell me they need something for school by tomorrow, etc. It's still a work in progress for me, but it's getting much better.

Bottom line is I deserve to be appreciated and deserve the help from my family & I love them all more than anything but I need to take care of myself first so they will need to step up a little to keep us all content.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> Bottom line is I deserve to be appreciated and deserve the help from my family & I love them all more than anything but I need to take care of myself first so they will need to step up a little to keep us all content.


Damn right!


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Wow... both of you have put me in my place. I have realized that I am nothing more than an enabler. I have got to make some changes within myself to expect any from him. Not sure where to start, but I'm gonna try. After these last couple of days away from home and talking to friends and family, I have realized that I am not me. I have completely consumed myself in trying to keep HIM happy threw all of his surgery stuff and have completely forgotten about myself. Its funny how it takes a slap in the face to realize where you have gotten. I've got to work on getting back to myself again. Screw him. I'm done taking care of him and getting nothing in return. Its almost like he knew what he was doing. I was completely taken advantage of...meanwhile I was allowing him to do so. I am just as important as he is. Surgery or not. I have written him a note...asking for him to realize what I have become... and what we used to be...telling him that I need him to be my partner again...meanwhile I've got to find myself. I'll keep you all updated... Thanks again for all of your help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Yeah, be sure to give us a FULL report on the outcome 

And remember to stick to your guns. Men are like kids, they have to test the boundaries 3 times, but on the 4th time, you will be onto a winner.


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