# Unsure



## mrsconfused87 (Nov 6, 2011)

Hi everyone,Im new to this site so Ill just give a bit of background on what is going on-

For starters my husband and I have been married for a little over a year but have been together for over 4 years-we have a 3 year old and another one due before xmas - Im a stay at home mom and I appriciate that he works hard and supports us financially--I have BPD and am currently on meds.

Back in feb. I was starting some schooling and meeting new people( I had been at home for 2 years with our daughter previous to this) I wanted to do something for myself,something that I enjoyed-anyways it as a bad choice obviostly because my husband and I were distant emotionally and I have always felt like he chooses his friends over his family(hes 25)-- I ended up going out with a girlfriend one night to a kegger,and cheating on him-

-what was worse then the cheating was that I didnt feel guilty the next day-I didnt care-I didnt have anxiety about lying -- but after a few weeks I felt like if I didnt feel guilty about it,why was I with him then?-- so I asked him to leave because I didnt want to move our daughter around and it was easier for him because he has family and friends here-whereas I dont-


Okay,if your still reading--lol--I ended up starting a relatinship with this other person-the one i cheated with-for a few weeks- and I told my husband I wanted a divorce and that I had cheated on him-so he knows about the infidelity at that point--but he still wanted to work things out with me-for god only knows why-I was totally out of love with him at that point,sick of feeling like i wasnt important-

-that being said-I was pregnant shortly after my husband and I decided to work things out and I dropped this other guy-- so ,now Im 36 weeks pregnant-- about to have our son and I've felt like since we decided to work things out then,its like-I feel more lonely then anything-hes ALWAYS working,like all week and weekends- Im just sitting here,waiting around all the time- we cant talk properly to eachother ,which has been affecting my emotional connection to him-which in turn affects our sex life. This entire pregnancy the sex has been "muh" at best-- 

last night he was mad because I asked him if we could fool around a bit or makeout before we had sex-and he rolled his eyes at me so I told him forget it- I know hes getting sick of the no sex and Im getting sick of feeling like I dont have a friendship with him anymore-anyways this is all just snowballing from the way in general that we treat eachother--

I dont know what to do to fix it-surely it hasnt been easy on him to forgive me for what ive done- but he comes and goes like he dosent care-I dont get any affection from him and I always feel like im ptting in the effort to rub his back,or massage his head- anyone else have advice ? I know this sounds jumbled but I had to write it out


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, you both need to get counseling. You for how you are able to so easily cheat on your husband, and him for learning to deal with knowing you wife doesn't love you and is only there for the kids and his paycheck.

Your husband must be so hurt and humiliated by your words and actions. He is clearly trying to be a good man and do what's right for his kids, but to know your wife doesn't love you, and would be with another guy if she wasn't knock up. Well, the daily humiliation and destruction of his self esteem must be eating him up inside. Knowing that if he did have sex with you,that you would only be using him physically without any emotion on your part, would kill of pretty much any mans libido.

Girl, you have crush him, and you have done nothing to begin to rebuild the relationship,

Btw, is it his kid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsconfused87 (Nov 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Wow, you both need to get counseling. You for how you are able to so easily cheat on your husband, and him for learning to deal with knowing you wife doesn't love you and is only there for the kids and his paycheck.
> 
> Your husband must be so hurt and humiliated by your words and actions. He is clearly trying to be a good man and do what's right for his kids, but to know your wife doesn't love you, and would be with another guy if she wasn't knock up. Well, the daily humiliation and destruction of his self esteem must be eating him up inside. Knowing that if he did have sex with you,that you would only be using him physically without any emotion on your part, would kill of pretty much any mans libido.
> 
> ...


Well.thanks for the advice--I guess?--I def. know that we both have to go seperatly and together to counselling but we cant afford it right now--and yes it does suck feeling like I dont have an emotional connection to him,and I blame both of us for that


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

When you say you have BPD do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you can't afford counselling, can you try the library and books on relationships and infertility, or church based counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is the baby your husband's? I don't know the timeline there.


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## mrsconfused87 (Nov 6, 2011)

no sorry i mean i have bipolar disorder-- and the baby is my husbands based on the ultrasound age-but he is getting a dna test done


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## mrsconfused87 (Nov 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If you can't afford counselling, can you try the library and books on relationships and infertility, or church based counselling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and this is actually a good idea--when we first started working things out we had bought a few books from the store and were doing relationship activity books every night together-but evebtually it just stopped and I feel like we are getting back to where we were before


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep in mind when you try to reconnect that the two of you are coming from different problems and different hurts. The solution that fixes one, may not fix the other. So be open to doing many different things together.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Do you have any place available that offers counseling based on your income? I live in a very rural area and there is counseling available here that way. Or maybe through a church? In college, I received counseling through Catholic Charities and it was free. I'm not Catholic, but it did help talking to a priest because he was trained in counseling. Just an idea. Even if it's just for yourself to begin with because it seems that you are dealing with a lot and having a hard time sorting out your feelings and thoughts. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time and I know that I sometimes have difficulties expressing the right feelings and also sorting out my feelings. A counselor can help you to understand what you are really feeling and what is being caused by your BPD.

Do you think you truly want to be with him now?? Or is it just because of your children?


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## mrsconfused87 (Nov 6, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> Do you have any place available that offers counseling based on your income? I live in a very rural area and there is counseling available here that way. Or maybe through a church? In college, I received counseling through Catholic Charities and it was free. I'm not Catholic, but it did help talking to a priest because he was trained in counseling. Just an idea. Even if it's just for yourself to begin with because it seems that you are dealing with a lot and having a hard time sorting out your feelings and thoughts. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time and I know that I sometimes have difficulties expressing the right feelings and also sorting out my feelings. A counselor can help you to understand what you are really feeling and what is being caused by your BPD.
> 
> Do you think you truly want to be with him now?? Or is it just because of your children?


Honestly,I love him- I love him alot,I dont want to feel lonely in our marriage I dont want to feel like Im being neglected and when I try to express myself to him ,he will say Im being dramatic-ask me if I need to up my perscription or why Im being so *****y- he cant accept that sometimes he does things that do hurt me-- thats its not me being ridiculous.
I dont want to stay with him because of our kids- I just dont think 2 people should be together if they are not in love- its not healthy for anyone- I dont know where to start,when to start,how to start- everyday is different-somedays Im really happy and some days I feel like I could not be any more lonely-so when I go to someone to talk,its like-they get the mood im in,not my problems-if that makes sense--so it almost feels pointless to go -- I think we need a psychiatrist or someone more qualified,which we will look into after the baby is here I suppose-thanks for your advice! Its really hard trying to explain myself lol!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

mrsconfused87 said:


> Honestly,I love him- I love him alot,I dont want to feel lonely in our marriage I dont want to feel like Im being neglected and when I try to express myself to him ,he will say Im being dramatic-ask me if I need to up my perscription or why Im being so *****y- he cant accept that sometimes he does things that do hurt me-- thats its not me being ridiculous.
> I dont want to stay with him because of our kids- I just dont think 2 people should be together if they are not in love- its not healthy for anyone- I dont know where to start,when to start,how to start- everyday is different-somedays Im really happy and some days I feel like I could not be any more lonely-so when I go to someone to talk,its like-they get the mood im in,not my problems-if that makes sense--so it almost feels pointless to go -- I think we need a psychiatrist or someone more qualified,which we will look into after the baby is here I suppose-thanks for your advice! Its really hard trying to explain myself lol!


I definitely understand how hard it is to explain yourself! It's probably hard to explain your feelings to him as well. So, don't be surprised if he is confused as to what you want/need.


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