# Strip clubs and so hurt



## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

I've been lurking for a year. Reason is found husband lied about strip club(s) and almost divorced.

Background I'm 49 he's 51 married 25 years. He was my first and only since I was 18. We were crazy young passionate and jealous both, I grew up and so did he. Two kids, both adults living at home while in grad school and college. Great kids. 

Problems thru the years - he partied a lot, out all night, lipstick on shirt, wedding ring in pocket, hickeyish Looking thing on neck, not all one night but thru the years. Threw him out after lipstick- he said just met a girl who he knew in bar and she just kinda hugged him - lol I know. I was done in my mind but he wore me down thru the kids and I admit, I still loved him.

Flash forward, I was the queen of spying searching looking etc. He still partied too much but we had a relatively good marriage and I learned to let go for my own sanity. I hated spying and mistrusting. Got to the point where he could do whatever he wanted, out, trips, etc. I trusted. 

He did continue to go out, and I trusted. We had a few episodes but nothing I didn't get over after a few days.

Flash forward, I get a text from a friend who wants to know why her husband has been getting texts, emails and naked pictures from back in March (2014) ! Well of course put two and two together and remembered husband was at a conference with said man in March.

Suffice it to say, I went off. He lied when confronted and said they went to a burlesque show. Kept on him, it was a strip club. Now he admits but says no big deal one in awhile. I said where were you when asshat was getting one in one with striker, he said just hanging. 

Few months previous he went to bachelor party. Came home said they hit a few bars. Heard him talking to someone else about how they went to strip club. Lied again but I just expressed my disgust at strip club and most especially lying.

So when the latest episode occurred I had really had it. Lied again hid again, I was devastated, which may sound weird, but I was. He treated me like I was making a big deal, but I was ready for divorce. Like you want to be single go be single.

Trickle truth he said no lap dances the last time but at the bachelor it just happened and they all did. I truly was devastated. I come to know they Google what lap dances are how they occur what they entail (I have never been to strip club.) So he admits to one lapdance and falls in his knees begging forgiveness it will never happen again blah and blah. I fell for it. 

But, the image of him picking a woman, paying her, breasts in face, naked mAybe who know he won't give details, wake me up every night.

I don't trust him, I hate what he did, I can't get it out of my mind. He's not an affair man, maybe an opportunity man? I want to go back to trust and if it happens again it's over but I'm literally eating up inside. I've lost over twenty pounds, thAti didnot need lose. I'm in shape and fit and slim but certainly not like the twenty year old he chose to grind him.

So men's clubhouse (women and men help me) where do I go from here. I knows u say no big deal but it's obviously killing me so its a big deal to me. 

Sounds so lame in comparison to the stories I've read here but you guys are so awesome and I really think you may give me perspective .


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

well, my first thought...why are you surprised? 

Sorry, but as I went through this, the red flags are there from the start. The strip club is probably the least of your concern to be honest.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

What ever your limits are you need to stick to them and enforce them. Otherwise you'll just be miserable and stuck in this cycle of trust, mistrust, forgiveness etc.

Have these boundaries been communicated between the both of you?

Going to a strip club as a single man is fine. But as a married man I wouldn't do it if my wife didn't like it. It's about respect.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

The best way to gain some perspective...would be to go to a strip club with him.

They are one of those things that are both more fun and more worrisome in your imagination. The reality is kinda sad.

This is not at all to invalidate your feelings. The trickle truth and disrespect are serious problems...but a 51 year old guy in the strip club...he's just a walking payday and nothing else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Yes I shouldn't have been surprised, and maybe I wasnt, but damn did it hurt and still does. 

He is very good looking so my mind wanders so. I know they don't want him, he obviously wants them ( hence the pain) but he certainly wouldn't be hard for them to dance for.

Ugh it all....25 years is hard.


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Marriedude

Why tho? The last time was not a bachelor party just hey let's check out the twenty year old naked gyrating grinding chicks.

That hurts no matter how men try to portray it.

And if he is so pathetic to pay for that what does it say about me or my marriage?


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Your worries are valid. They're a big deal if they're a big deal to you... but I'm wondering, is the strip club his way of dealing with boredom? Maybe you'd want to look towards that direction and deal with it accordingly.


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

How do you enforce limits when you know someone lies?

I am spying again but I hate myself for that. He really hasn't been out in a year but is talking about a trip up to Niigata falls area.

Of course Google tells me they have the most disgusting strip clubs and ho would I ever know?

If you catch them once in awhile does it mean I didn't catch the other 99%?


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

We have always had wonderful sex life. He now suffers Ed and takes pills. I'm more amorous adventurous and randy than ever.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You are hurt and can't get over it because you know that the lipstick, wedding ring in his pocket and hickey all are pretty much proof he has had sex with other women. But since you don't have concrete proof you are just keeping up with the game. He knows you are on to him so he is careful, but he is still straying and only owning up to the bare minimum. You can't get over it because it isn't over, and your gut knows it even if your brain doesn't want it to be so.

This is the worst kind of cheater IMO, he is letting you go insane chasing your tail investigating and accusing and he is gas-lighting the sanity right out of you. You can stop this whole game by packing his crap and taking it to the curb. Yes, 25 years is a long time, I know BTDT and have the lawyer bills to prove it (the house and alimony checks too)...There is life after dumping a cheater, and newfound sanity.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Greeneyesblue said:


> Marriedude
> 
> Why tho? The last time was not a bachelor party just hey let's check out the twenty year old naked gyrating grinding chicks.
> 
> ...


It says nothing about you. You have no control over his choices.

The lies would be indicative of issues with your marriage...at least his issues. 

Paying isn't pathetic..everyone pays. It's just what they pay for and how they pay. Again, the problem is the lies. You shouldn't be pitting up with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
you know how he behaves. Spying may help you catch him again, but to what purpose - he has done this sort of thing enough that it is almost certain he will do it again, whether or not you happen to catch him at it.

You need to decide if you want to stay with someone who acts like this. That is up to you - you have to balance everything in your life.


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Ohhhh so hard to read this.

I always say this time is the last time til it isn't.

I don't want to portray him as horrible because he really isn't. And he barely goes out anymore but I'm justifying aren't I?

I was mentally done this time. Some people even laughed that I would do this over a strip club visit! But it felt like enough until he broke and then I broke.

I still feel broken tho.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Greeneyesblue said:


> Ohhhh so hard to read this.
> 
> I always say this time is the last time til it isn't.
> 
> ...


Everyone is broken. We all put up with things until its just not worth it.

You may hit that point, or you may not. Odds are he is aging out of the strip club phase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Though you say he barely goes out anymore, why weren't you out with him when he used to go out a lot?


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Boys club. He was in a male dominated field aka constant boys nights.

We're very social, dress up go out dinners always with or without other couples. 

He just lived literally in a mans world.

He might be phasing out but he did it last year. Hurt like hell.

Yes I'm in menopause but suffer no real problems. 

Doesn't make a menopausal woman feel good when you choose to look at and get grinded on by women less than half my age.

Well actually it never felt good but now it's just a little deeper that the knife feels.


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

I guess I posted in men's side because I want to hear it means nothing. Which I have heard and read a thousand times. Yet, in the moment, if men are honest, it obviously means something. Sometimes something so big that you betray and lie to your wife.

If your boundaries allow for such activity, I am certainly not judging. Mine don't, he knew, so he lied. Probably and without doubt repeatedly.

I can't imagine doing anything that would make him feel this awful.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't think there is any way to know what it means to him. 

For me going to a strip club wouldn't mean anything - and that is part of the reason I don't do it. There is simply no temptation there. (if for some reason I did go, physical contact would be an absolute no no. - but I can't imagine any situation where I would go anyway.)

My wife likes watching "outlander" which is rather full of shirtless men in kilts. OK by me - I just find it slightly amusing that she enjoys it. (and it gives me an opportunity to tease her a bit....).






Greeneyesblue said:


> I guess I posted in men's side because I want to hear it means nothing. Which I have heard and read a thousand times. Yet, in the moment, if men are honest, it obviously means something. Sometimes something so big that you betray and lie to your wife.
> 
> If your boundaries allow for such activity, I am certainly not judging. Mine don't, he knew, so he lied. Probably and without doubt repeatedly.
> 
> I can't imagine doing anything that would make him feel this awful.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd be more concerned about him coming home from partying with his wedding ring in his pocket. A stripper wouldn't care how many wedding rings he was wearing. I've had drunk women fall on me. I've wrestled women into custody. Never ended up with lipstick on my collar or cheek unless I was up to no good. My ring has never accidentally fallen off at a party and landed in my pocket. He's not an affair man? A married guy with a ring in his pocket and lipstick on his collar kinda looks more like a player than a Mormon missionary where I come from. 

A wife getting upset over a stripper at a bachelor party is like getting upset to learn there are sea shells on the beach. Did you imagine the guys were going to read Bible verses and sing hymns?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Greeneyesblue said:


> So when the latest episode occurred I had really had it. Lied again hid again, I was devastated, which may sound weird, but I was. He treated me like I was making a big deal, but I was ready for divorce. Like you want to be single go be single.


Hi hazel, it's only when you were ready to throw in the towel that he took you serious. It sucks but that's how boundaries work. At some point soon, those nagging 'what if' questions are going to get to you and you'll have to be prepared for answers you don't like. I hope you know everything of importance already though.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well I'm a woman but here's my 2 cents:

You're married to a serial liar and cheater. You've known it for years and chose to put up with it. Sure you've had fights but you're still here and he still does what he wants and you still make excuses. If you don't want to leave then don't, but own the decision. 

And you're elevating him way too much. I'm sure he looks good but you're kidding yourself if you think 20 year old strippers don't think he's a pathetic old guy. You see him through your eyes, but to them he's just one of a bunch of pathetic guys that come in and pay for it. 

I say this because I've known a few strippers as well as someone who runs a porn site. They have the lowest opinion of men you can imagine, they see them as a bunch of pathetic idiots who pay. Think about the conditions under which they see these guys. 

You're not 20 but neither is he. 

So at this point you can either make peace with what you've got and live with it or leave. But do not set boundaries you aren't willing to enforce because then you have no credibility., which you probably don't already because of said boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Greeneyesblue said:


> I guess I posted in men's side because I want to hear it means nothing. Which I have heard and read a thousand times. Yet, in the moment, if men are honest, it obviously means something. Sometimes something so big that you betray and lie to your wife.
> 
> If your boundaries allow for such activity, I am certainly not judging. Mine don't, he knew, so he lied. Probably and without doubt repeatedly.
> 
> I can't imagine doing anything that would make him feel this awful.


I would think that your issue is not "just" the strip club. With the lips stick, his ring in his pocket and such things, you know he has cheated. The latest strip club thing is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

With strip clubs, there are two things. Going to a strip club is not such a big deal. But lap dances are a completely different thing. 

How do you think your husband would respond if you went out to a male strip show and had some hunk sitting in your lap, rubbing up against you and putting his junk on you? If you want to find out.. tell your husband that you did it. Watch him come unglued. (Sure there is a small possibility that he won't. But most guys would.)

Part of the problem is that you knew what was going on for years and chose to turn a blind eye. That is giving him tacit approval. It does not justify his actions, it just give him more ways to justify them to himself.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I'm a woman but here's my 2 cents:
> 
> You're married to a serial liar and cheater. You've known it for years and chose to put up with it. Sure you've had fights but you're still here and he still does what he wants and you still make excuses. If you don't want to leave then don't, but own the decision.


There is some truth to this. lifeistooshort is telling you something she thinks you need to hear and she's right. It's likely that he's taken advantage of your blind eye and you've turned a blind eye. You can change this. Yes it is scary to face the truth and to set new boundaries.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I'm a woman but here's my 2 cents:
> 
> You're married to a serial liar and cheater. You've known it for years and chose to put up with it. Sure you've had fights but you're still here and he still does what he wants and you still make excuses. If you don't want to leave then don't, but own the decision.
> 
> ...


I've known quite a few strippers...hire some seasonally.

The reality is...the guys at the club, really are just a payday. Not much else, if anything.

Focus on the lies...the ring in pocket, the lipstick...
I work with family in my office...mostly females..very touchy ladies too....i cant remember a lipstick on the collar incident
..not once
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Lipstick and ring were over 17 years ago. We separated and reconciled after several months. No admission of anything except he was a jerk.

After that I drive myself crazy with suspicions and spying. So much so that I hated myself and said no more. I agreed to give it another chance and I had to learn to trust again.

And I did wholeheartedly. He was free to do whatever he wanted but oddly enough he didn't do much and in the ensuing 17 years we have really had no major issues.

The bachelor party was not a party simply men who were not going to the wedding taking a coworker to dinner. I could and did assume it would not include a strip club. Yes, I do believe grown men can actually be grownups.

However, when I found out I didn't flip out and never asked about lap dances or anything. Honestly I was not up on just how interactive strip clubs are nowadays.

But the last one, for no reason, just because, and another lie, just floored me. Brought back every bad feeling from many years ago and yes, does make me think less of my husband.

I hate being brought back to feeling like this and I now question everything he's said during the last 17 years.

I don't know why I posted. I guess I want to understand how men do this and lie when they know it would hurt their spouse?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> It says nothing about you. You have no control over his choices.
> 
> The lies would be indicative of issues with your marriage...at least his issues.
> 
> ...


Paying for sexual attention is always pathetic in my book and no, we don't all pay. If you mean all the gimps in a strip joint, then yes, they are paying.

OP. You are going to have to draw a hard line. Get divorce papers drawn up, legally seperate for a while. If he can't get his act together, go through with it. Get independent, financially and emotionally if you aren't already.

He needs some hard consequences for cheating, yes cheating. Going out and getting any sexual attention, paid for or not, is cheating unless you have given him the green light, which you have not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Paying for sexual attention is always pathetic in my book and no, we don't all pay. If you mean all the gimps in a strip joint, then yes, they are paying.
> 
> OP. You are going to have to draw a hard line. Get divorce papers drawn up, legally seperate for a while. If he can't get his act together, go through with it. Get independent, financially and emotionally if you aren't already.
> 
> ...


Everyone pays for everything they get. That is neither good or bad...it just is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Call some girlfriends up and start regularly have girls nights out,. See how he likes it. Also might give you a new perspective on the state of your marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Everyone pays for everything they get. That is neither good or bad...it just is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Empty philosophy. My wife and I don't pay each other, or anyone else for that matter, for sex.

Strippers are paid to take it off and play bimbo for cash.

Metaphorical nonsense aside. Do you leave some bills on your wife's side of the bed?

Lets stick to paying with cash as the term for paying for sex as everyone can agree on it.

I have never paid for sex and never will. What a turn off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Empty philosophy. My wife and I don't pay each other, or anyone else for that matter, for sex.
> 
> Strippers are paid to take it off and play bimbo for cash.
> 
> ...



Amen. I'd rather take of myself then to have bribe someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You have taught him over the years that while you might get upset, you will eventually cave and he can do what he likes. Your pain is of no consequence to him. 

For those who are making out it's no big deal, well if it's no big deal why didn't he opt out of that behaviour and put the marriage first?

I think you need to shake him up completely, by either leaving or filing for divorce. He is not even owning his behaviour, and I fear he's only told you part truths. You will always distrust him until you have complete transparency. He has no reason to change right now. 

For yourself I would find a good therapist that you are comfortable with and who specialises in infidelity.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Empty philosophy. My wife and I don't pay each other, or anyone else for that matter, for sex.
> 
> Strippers are paid to take it off and play bimbo for cash.
> 
> ...


Everyone pays. Some pay with dollars others pay with deeds. Consideration is merely another form of reciprocity.

If you did NOTHING for your wife would she stay? I would offer that no....she wouldn't. Do you offer her love? Respect? Safety? Security?

Probably you do. 

We were talking about strip clubs....not buying sex. More to the point...the OP's issue sounds less like a strip club issue and more so one of honesty. Her husband has repeatedly lied to her. That would seem to be the issue at hand...i don't believe she was talking about him buying sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You have taught him over the years that while you might get upset, you will eventually cave and he can do what he likes. Your pain is of no consequence to him.
> 
> lityQUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Ok thank you all for responses. I posted because I need this...all this.

But, if we went forward all these years wasn't I supposed to trust again? 

I wasn't blind nor did I ever turn a blind eye. I dealt what was in front of me.

Now I found lies after many years of not finding lies. I'm doubting but is that fair? Should now really be divorce? 

I believed in this last chance, now I'm teetering. My own pain being at once ridiculously overwhelming me over a strip club!! and your responses. 

I do welcome them all, I just kinda though I would have clarification or validation or guess I just wanted one or the other. 

Ugh I hate this


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

If you want to trust this man, by all means do so. 

As for your feelings of doubt...valid...they are valid. You were lied to. You will doubt until the lies stop and truth is a constant in your relationship.

The strip club isn't the cause, the cause of your pain, is that you are moving toward not accepting things you have before. That's okay too. You get to decide what you will live with and accept and what you won't.

Sorry you haven't got much clarification. That is typically hard to come by in this life. 

I hope you did gain some measure of validation though. How you feel is real...is valid...and is ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

No, tho I'm not accepting now of anything that I didn't before.

I'm not sure what you mean.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Take it to a marriage counselor...... sort it out in front of a neutral third party.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why does he lie? He lies because he knows you don't like what he's doing and it's easier then being upfront about it. Look at it from his point of view: he can tell you the truth and you get upset or he can lie and maybe you'll find out and get upset but there's a chance you won't. And since there's no real consequence for him to do what he wants and lie about it that's the better risk for him.

This is what you've got so and you feel how you feel so what difference does it make if someone on TAM tells you it's no big deal? This if your life and your marriage. If you're willing to live with what you've got then stop worrying about what he does and accept that it is what it is.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richie33 said:


> Give him a taste of his own medicine. Call some girlfriends up and start regularly have girls nights out,. See how he likes it. Also might give you a new perspective on the state of your marriage.


While this sounds like a good idea on paper, it's really just a knee-jerk reaction.

The reality is that he would likely take this is a green light for his own excursions, and it'll make everything worse, imo.

In my life, I find talking about the hypotheticals to be safer and often just as effective. Often, the other party is not aware (or blind to) the flipside of their actions. I have had a handful of such situations in my marriage, covering a whole range of topics, where all it takes is for me to point out to my wife how she would feel if I did/said something similar.

Sometimes, unfortunately, people don't quite have the empathy that some of us do, therefore they don't see things the way they should.

Honestly, it sounds over-simplified, but it's sometimes effective. Sit down and have a good, solid conversation with your husband and ask him what would be doing through his mind if the roles were reversed. "Honey, how would YOU feel if I occasionally went out with the ladies to strip joints and had some 20 year old guy sticking his 8" penis right in my face? Or if I came home one night smelling of cologne and my wedding ring was in my purse?"

You'd be surprised. People often lose sight of reality and get caught in stupid ruts like this. The amount of times it happens, how long it's been going on for, and the people one is with when these things happen all play into the self justification of ones actions. To the point where certain actions and words become "normal".

He very likely doesn't see that what he's doing is wrong or actually hurtful to you. Rather, he's hiding it (and lying about it) to avoid your anger and a fight, not because he understands how you actually feel. Some people just need to have empathy beat into them.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MarriedDude said:


> If you want to trust this man, by all means do so.
> 
> As for your feelings of doubt...valid...they are valid. You were lied to. You will doubt until the lies stop and truth is a constant in your relationship.
> 
> ...


Here's the crap thing about situations like this: you should never fully trust again, because you're just setting yourself up, and also opening the door for further mistrust down the road.

You can build the trust back up to the point where you no longer have to snoop around daily, but you absolutely can not simply shut your eyes to everything, either. When you shut your eyes, you can not see, but those around you can see that your eyes are shut. And that's when some people will take advantage. Not all, but some.

It's very unwise to catch somebody in the act, then revert back to complete trust at any point later on down the road. It's cynical, but it's reality.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What have the consequences been? Have you had counselling? Was he remorseful or dismissive? 

How exactly has done the hard work needed to prove he won't do it again? 

Does he understand why it's wrong or blame you for being "too sensitive" or say he's a man and can't help it etc? 

He is making choices every time he cheats or goes to strip clubs. A choice to put you and the marraige last.


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## Greeneyesblue (Jun 16, 2015)

Yes he makes choices that hurt. I'm hard pressed to understand how you can willingly hurt someone you profess to love. Of course, I'm only hurt if I find out.


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