# sorry its long



## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

Hello,
I’m going to be honest, open, because I really just need to unload, and some advice. So I would like to apologize for the length of this post, but those of you who read it all, thank you for taking the time to just look at a complete stranger. That being said

history
I met my wife when we were little kids, looking back now, I see our families have always been entwined in some way shape or form. I remember the first day I saw her, little girl had pink eye (HA) none the less, from that point forward, I was always looking for her everywhere my family and members of her family could be found together. All the time playing running around in the dirt, bikes, skateboards every kinds of ball you can imagine (cult de sac) our family’s, me here siblings the whole bunch. Time goes on; kids get older, now it’s the crush, but the pick on the girl crush. Found ourselves watching our siblings one night (10 and 11 year olds at this point, brother said combined age of 21 sounds good enough). Picking on her chasing them all around the house. Another year or so, now it not about picking on them so much. she tried to cook malto meal one time for me, burnt it cried, and I still remember rubbing her should and telling her it ok, then force feeding myself with a smile.... I remember times like she fallen asleep (watching the kids) and id cover her up, or find myself with a blanket and her without. Got to the point shed crawled into bed with me I was 13, her 12. Little moments and memories like this as you can see, things just grew, but we’d never thought we’d be enough for one another so all we ever had were single amazing moments like this till I was 18. I was flunking out of high school, wasting my time head up my ass. she came over one night, and I had got off the phone with the first girl I ever did everything with( first everything)she(Kasey) was in Montana, doing good, had a kid single and missed me like I missed her. So I asked (wife even though we weren’t married yet, but we are now) what do you think about me going to Montana? She told me to go. So I went. I really spiraled out of control, because this girl (Kasey) was a mess. wound up staying with her, then getting married to her right before I left for the army( I thought I was in love, but I was stuck on the idea) the day I got married, I called my wife now and told her I’m getting married , she said I’m happy for you, and she had to go get dinner ready for her siblings( cop out cause she says now she balled her eyes out for hours.) so I enlisted need money and I had thrown my life away and a second chance sounded good. So I enlisted. Once everything was final (contract) called my wife (not Kasey) and told her I’m in the army, she said her too... so we talked about what jobs we chose, hers different from mine. Had the same fort for training, but just said maybe I’ll see ya there. If only we knew. I was standing in formation, straight up stiff as a board, and there she was...... my discipline shattered, and I yelled not her last name, her first name......... and man did I pay for it. We soon found out we were going to the same fort for training again, thinking we had different jobs.....if only we knew. We were around each other 18 hours or the day for 27 weeks. Me married (going through a divorce) her single but getting the attention of every male there.....frustrating. I set her up with a good guy, thinking I wasn’t good enough nor would I be. Who was I kidding I was married. Right? I caved, told her everything, about how I felt about here (didn’t know what it was, but I knew I just wanted her) she said the equally affectionate things, we kept talking in secret or in as private a setting as we could have. One day I asked her, if she be with me when all this was over, she said no, I’m engaged to (the guy I set her up with) she says now, it was out of spite she was even with him. She wanted me to feel like I was second place as she did. A year went by; I refused to talk to her. Even told her I hated her every time she wrote me. But I thought about her every day, and soon came to realize I was mad at myself for not getting what was right in front of me my whole life. 


So. Now I’m married to her, and I love her with everything I am every day of my life. It’s been a year so far, and I’ve spent it away from her due to the army. being said, she lied to me one night, right before we got married, bout going to spend time with an old boyfriend, not so much the issue as it was Ida liked to know about it. She kept swearing shed never lie again and she was sorry. A guy friend of her sisters and her had gotten kicked out of his house at this time. And was staying in there house. The guy was a flirting machine, grabbing and kissing and sweet talking, I didn’t like it but I told her I understood. We got married, and had an argument about that guy. The argument was shed asked me if what I thought about her moving gin with him. To which I told her, sure, go ahead (were married at this point) she replies with are you sure you’re not going to be mad? I said nope.but don’t expect to have a husband in the morning if you do. I told her, a wife doesn’t stay with another man, it’s her family, or her husband, to whom she agreed, was true. So we argued bickered, fought for days. Freshly married. She told me she needed me to say no cause she couldn’t, and she wanted to see if I still cared for her. So I let it go. Down the road of me being away, something just constantly felt odd, like she was trying too hard, or not at all. Kept asking her for the truth, shed lie, give a little, ask for trust, and be genuinely sorry. Till we got all the way down to her fooling around with that guy staying at her house one night a year ago.
She has no job, stays home all day whit her family. Doesn’t do a whole lot. And hasn’t really since we got married. But always talked of us and our own place.


Now


we talk about having a life, and I’m still dealing with the images of her fooling around. But I forgive her. Don’t really talk about it anymore to her, because she feels ashamed she says. Recently we started looking for a place to live, just window shopping. We talk about our future just to play in it and smile, about all the time we will have, memories we will have. Just a normal life. She says she loves me and wants me and only me. She says she wants our life, our home, and one day a family of ours. But as you can see (if you’re still with me) the trust is broken. But I want to trust her, I want to believe in her, and we both want to move on. I judge everything (action not words) she does, trying to build trust. I find faith in them, and they help, along with her words, makes me want to believe. But there’s one issue, she talks the talk, which is good and sweet and loving. But she doesn’t walk the walk. She does nothing every day to be a part of the work side of the marriage. Work hard play hard, ya know? She constantly says she’s going to do this, and that, recently it was going to get applications for work because she wants to be there when I come home. She hasn’t, and she said the first time I didn’t have my resume so I didn’t stop, and yesterday she said she work up at 4 so it was too late. It makes me feel as if she says she wants it but doesn’t really want it. I have threatened her with divorce before, a lot. When things weren’t right, and when she came clean. Now I’ve just had it. My best friend lied to me, my wife cheated on me. And I’m looking to find reasons to hang on, show me I’m worth it, and she really does want it and us. But sweet words only go so far. I haven’t talked to her in a day or so. And this isn’t the first time we’ve been like this. But I printed out divorce papers started filling them out, stopped. And now I’m here. Feel really lost. I feel half in and half out. I want to believe. I really do. She sweet she’s loving, affectionate. But why does she have no drive? When our marriage is rough, our friendship is shaken, why is she relaxed? I wonder if I’m worth it to her, or if she’s just afraid to be alone, or if the idea the fairytale that we seem to have is what she wants to come true. Or are just me and only me and our life and our family and our everything she wants, because shell says it, but not live it. Her words contradict her actions.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

You kind of summed it up in the end there. "Words contradict her actions." Words dont mean nothing (they hold a little value), but they mean the most when they're backed up by the appropriate actions. Actions can stand alone, but words cannot. 

Just a few questions: 
- I'm assuming fooling around is sex? 
- Was it a one time thing? 
- Is she talking to him in any way still? She almost sounds like shes still torn? depressed? 

I'm just a relative newbie here, but there are some great vets that will give you some strong advice, but they might need more info.


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

she says it was like fore play .
she also says it only happenned once
not like i know, but she says no.

shes been lying about so many things took for ever to get the truth out
shes talking opening up, not scrambling to figure out what to say, shes just saying it, whether i like it or not haha.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

dumspirospero said:


> she says it was like fore play .
> she also says it only happenned once
> not like i know, but she says no.
> 
> ...


Most of the time (not always, but almost always), it is MUCH worse than what they admit to. 

My wife told me it was a ONS then over awhile it turned out to be a full blown affair for a little over two months. This is called trickle truth. 

Does she have a cell phone? (cell phone records) Laptop? 

Do you have full access to all of her passwords etc? Is there full transparency?


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

im currently deployed, i have chosen to just believe that she has had an affair, for how long ill never know if its still going on i dont know either, but i want to believe. i have access yes, but i will never get to see her phone. and i can ask her and i have for all the truth, she swears there isnt anymore.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She confessed to oral sex ? Was it after or before the marriage? Are you still deployed ?


Actually I find your post confusing. Can you clear up the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs a little bit?


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

she claims there was not even oral, stopped before that, can you quote me where your confused?

i appreciate the help, this helpin me out
thankyou..really.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

the 2nd paragraph. When did she ask to move in with this guy ? Before of after the marriage ? When did this guy enter the picture ? When did the infidelity. I think the confusion for me comes from the events you described are not sequential. You are mixing up timelines(events that happened in the past with events that happened more recently) in the same paragraph and that is making it confusing.(atleast for me)


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

the lying is recently, i only recently found out about it about a week ago, but it had actually happened a year ago. shes been acting not right since the guy entered the picture, after wed gotten married.


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

she lied to me one night, right before we got married, bout going to spend time with an old boyfriend, not so much the issue as it was Ida liked to know about it. She kept swearing shed never lie again and she was sorry.( we werent married yet.) A guy friend of her sisters and her had gotten kicked out of his house at this time. And was staying in there house. The guy was a flirting machine, grabbing and kissing and sweet talking, I didn’t like it but I told her I understood(he didnt have anywhere to go, but im not to sure he wanted to leave empty handed anyway). We got married, and had an argument about that guy. The argument was shed asked me if what I thought about her moving in with him. To which I told her, sure, go ahead (were married at this point) she replies with are you sure you’re not going to be mad? I said nope.but don’t expect to have a husband in the morning if you do. I told her, a wife doesn’t stay with another man, it’s her family, or her husband, to whom she agreed, was true. So we argued bickered, fought for days. Freshly married. She told me she needed me to say no cause she couldn’t, and she wanted to see if I still cared for her(after the mishape with the first guy she lied about going out and getting coffe with). So I let it go. Down the road of me being away, something just constantly felt odd, like she was trying too hard, or not at all. Kept asking her for the truth, shed lie, give a little, ask for trust, and be genuinely sorry. Till we got all the way down to her fooling around with that guy staying at her house one night a year ago.
She has no job, stays home all day whit her family. Doesn’t do a whole lot. And hasn’t really since we got married. But always talked of us and our own place.


the next paragraph is where i stand now, after everything so far


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

damn that is hard to handle while youre deployed. Thank you for your service. 

How long until you can come home? I dont have much advice for handling this when youre so far away. 

My only advice is dont just pretend it never happened. If you get home and just forget what happened with the affair, you're rug sweeping it, and youre letting her know "oh i cheated and all that happened was my husband made some threats, i can do this again" 

Not that she will cheat again, but most of the time a cheater wont change unless you show them consequences. Real consequences.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK

She's lied to you (and continues to do so)
She's had an affair
You don't trust her
She got up at 4 PM? Really?

Sorry but I don't see much of a future with this one.

Whatever you do, don't have kids with her until (if) you fix these issues!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Toffer said:


> OK
> 
> She's lied to you (and continues to do so)
> She's had an affair
> ...


What he said, you don't have a wife, you have a little kid to take care of. If you're on board to taking care of her like a little kid for the rest of your life, have fun.


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

but then i look at the fact shes going to counseling, as well as on anti depressants, but i guess it just cant get better from here. everythign gets better when you go home. id like to deal and fix everything now, then come home and have it be amazing, a new relationship and marriage.

cheating hubby- seriously......i about snapped, but harsh realities are hard to swallow.( i stick up for her till the day i die, been that way sine we were kids.) thankyou. really mean it.

its different when im home. she goes and does. she doesnt have a REAL job, and she national guard. i define real as in she cant put a roof over her head, shes not a heavey spender, she gets what she needs, but youd think if she wanted all these wounderful things, shed want.. more.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You will get great advice here. Love your name btw. As it is my State Motto.

IMO The evidence supports no reason to trust but I understand your conflict.

It would take a very long time for me to trust under the circumstances!


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## dumspirospero (Sep 21, 2012)

i guess its more about i keep struggling, and i know its supposed to be hard, but it shouldnt be liek this, i can understand why she would do the things she did( fooling around) even staying inside( she used to cry everytime were were on the phone cause i wasnt there, as well as when she goes to bed everynight) but what i dont get is when is enough, enough? everything thats happend all the lies, the cheating, the not leaving the house, but if she really wants it, why all the issue. i just feel like she doesnt want it bad enough to go and get it. trying to feel like im worht nothing, but nothing she does aside from being affectionate( words) is helping me believe. i love her, i want to be with her. but when do i draw the line. ive been lied to, cheated on, used for as loas i can remember. i walked away from all of them, but why not this one. why is she begging me to stay? why isnt she driven to get our life started. just all one big mess.

i told her i was done making her hurt and cry over it. and that i was gonna start the paperwork. and i have. i also havent talked to her in two days. 

shes tried to get ahold of me once, which isnt an issue, i just figured id try not to just play one side. it was an i love you and i miss you.


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