# I'm "buggered" and need help, FAST!!



## Jamman (Dec 21, 2011)

In the past I have put some financial pressure on my wife. She is a senior financial exec. and my decisions regarding finances in the past could cost her her position as she might forfeit her professional accreditation. She has now started to withdraw from our relationship (not just sexually) and won't let me even give her a hug. She does say "I love you" once in a while but is trying to keep her distance from my affection actions (hugs, compliments, kisses on the hand, etc.)

She insisted on us entering couples therapy, which we started today. Afterwards I asked her if she thinks we are making any progress, and she said she does not want to talk about it at this stage.

Yesterday we took the kids ice skating. I made a point of showing as much affection and at one stage we were skating together and she said she enjoyed it. I replied by saying I enjoyed doing things with her. Her response was that I should'nt say things like that. I must only think it.

I would like to ease the financial pressure on her with all the means to my disposal - the problem is the cars we drive. We owe more on the loans for the cars than we can get if we sell them. I REALLY want to make this marriage work but realise that my actions are costing me my marriage.

I have been bannished to the guest room for the past 2 months and feel really awefull. We have 2 beautiful girls who deserve a proper family life, and to be honest, I cannot live without my wife!! She is my life.

What am I to do? I know I stuffed up and I to make matters worse, because of my financial decisons previously, I took up a job at an oposition company from my previous employer because of more money. They (the previous company) have now found out I am working for the "enemy" and as I had a restraint of trade clause in my previous contract, I am now barred from working at my current employer until the end of March 2012 (meaning I am unemployed at the moments. This put even more financial pressure om my wife and I really cannot blame her for her actions (withdrawing from our marriage).

I want to save this situation!! But how?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jamman said:


> In the past I have put some financial pressure on my wife. She is a senior financial exec. and my decisions regarding finances in the past could cost her her position as she might forfeit her professional accreditation.


Why do you bring this up? How would anyone but you and your wife know this?


Jamman said:


> She has now started to withdraw from our relationship…


You are the one who messed up and she is punishing you. I fear that you will have to simply do as she says until you do things to make her feel safe. It can take a while. On the positive side you are still in the house, she is going to counseling with you and doing things with you. This is all good. So date your wife, don’t discuss things until she is ready. 

I don’t know what country you live in. If it’s the USA and I suspect anywhere else.. do not leave your home if she asks you to leave. It would put in a terrible position with your ability to fix your marriage and to have joint legal custody of your children.

As for the cars, unless you can find someone willing to pay too much for them you are stuck. 

Have you considered job hunting? Are you just waiting until March? Where I you, I would be out there pounding the pavement on a full time basis.

My suggestion is that you read and follow the advice in the books in the signature block for building a passionate relationship. Generally it’s a good thing for both spouses to read/work the books together. But in this case it would be helpful even if you do this by yourself at first.


----------



## Jamman (Dec 21, 2011)

Since the court order to prevent me from working at my new employer I have been on the internet and phone to an average of 20 companies per day for the past 1.5 months. I am based in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am not looking for a job to pay my current salary at the company I am not allowed to work for. I will be satisfied with half my salary. I only had 4 responses. I am willing to settle for a driver/junior sales person position but do not even get a response from companies - I have more than 15 years solid sales experience and can probaby sell ice to an eskimo. 

I really need to make this marriage work and am desperate!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps your resume is to strong to get a lower paid position for right now. Most companies do not want to hire someone below the level they worked at before as they know that the person will leave at the first chance they get.

You might want to try to dumb down your resume some and what you tell prospective employers right now.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Jamman said:


> Since the court order to prevent me from working at my new employer I have been on the internet and phone to an average of 20 companies per day for the past 1.5 months. I am based in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am not looking for a job to pay my current salary at the company I am not allowed to work for. I will be satisfied with half my salary. I only had 4 responses. I am willing to settle for a driver/junior sales person position but do not even get a response from companies - I have more than 15 years solid sales experience and can probaby sell ice to an eskimo.
> 
> I really need to make this marriage work and am desperate!!


Dumb down your resume. Rewrite it for the industries you are applying in. I had to do it myself in order to land a new job starting in the new year.

I'm a tech writer and office systems manager by trade (graphics designing as well) but I had to focus on my customer service skills to land the job I got lined up for January.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Punishment. 
As opposed to working out the difficulties together?
Ive dealt with the punishment attitude.
Found out it masked something else.
Not that I did anything truly wrong, but everything was fodder for use against me, to justify in her mind the affair she was having.
You got money problems? Join the club. Your wife should be working with you to resolve and plan and build, instead of isolating and punishing. Thats bullsh!t. Wasting time holding your head under the water is a childish and immature methodology. Keep looking for that job, you will find something temporary until you can get to work again in March. 
UGH if this didnt sound so dreadfully familiar..


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am not sure how your decisions affects your wife's accreditation.
If she wants to go with you to therapy then that means she still wants you. You dont tell us exactly what she thinks youre doing wrong and how therapy can help. It wont get you a job. You must be more specific.


----------

