# Seeing a counselor



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm going to see a counselor who is director of the support and recovery ministry at my church, to discuss my thoughts about separating. The counselor agreed to see me once at no charge after I emailed our church pastor this afternoon. Rather than tell you about it, I'll just paste it here:

_Dave,
Help.
Is there someone associated with our church who has a heart for married men struggling with thoughts of separation or divorce? I need someone who has an hour or so to give to me, someone I can bounce my frustrations off of. I'm dealing with a wife who I feel is emotionally abusing me by withholding affection and sex. We're not talking about on occasion. We're talking about years, probably 10 years or more. I don't want a counselor, can't afford a counselor -- which is what Tim suggested to me a few years ago when I sent him an email for help. If I could afford a counselor, I would have found one myself. Really what I need is someone who can lend some sanity to me. I am giving CCC one more chance to help. Otherwise, I will likely start actively pursuing what I am considering doing about my marriage. I am considering separation as a means of sending a message.
Happy Valentines, eh? 
Thanks.
Steve_

Dave is the church pastor. He emailed me back to say it is obvious I am frustrated, then offered up the counselor for one time at no charge. I'm glad, but also a little poo'd as I have given a ton of time AT NO CHARGE to this church in the past 20+ years. But it's free to begin with, so I will take it. I just need someone to talk to. I just wish the church staff wouldn't have blown me off two years ago when the frustration had reached it's peak. Who knows where I might be right now.

We'll see where this goes. I am at the point where I am thinking the only way to gain back what I have lost is simply to leave, start over. My wife is passive aggressive, a controller who can't control me otherwise and she knows it, so she cut me off a long time ago. A few years ago, when I confronted her about it, she told me that she had lost respect, didn't really love me. Duh. No surprise. From what I have read online, she is classic passive aggressive.

I am not putting up with it any longer, beginning to simply do my own thing. It's getting to her. She is beginning to check up on me, ask what I am doing.


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## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi

If she is very controlling and has been that way throughout the last 10 years, then i suggest you call it off ans start over again.

Regards,
Amanda


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> I'm going to see a counselor who is director of the support and recovery ministry at my church, to discuss my thoughts about separating. The counselor agreed to see me once at no charge after I emailed our church pastor this afternoon. Rather than tell you about it, I'll just paste it here:
> 
> Dave is the church pastor. He emailed me back to say it is obvious I am frustrated, then offered up the counselor for one time at no charge. I'm glad, but also a little poo'd as I have given a ton of time AT NO CHARGE to this church in the past 20+ years. But it's free to begin with, so I will take it. I just need someone to talk to. I just wish the church staff wouldn't have blown me off two years ago when the frustration had reached it's peak. Who knows where I might be right now.
> 
> ...



If you don't enter into counseling with the intent on 'fixing' what's broken it won't work. If you enter counseling w/ blaming the other it most likely won't work. We each play a roll in the downfall of our marriage. Be willing to speak the truth, stay opened minded, reflective. A one-time visit to a therapist generally won't fix things, it often takes several visits just so they can see the problems. Are you seeking IC or MC or both?

Good luck!


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> If you don't enter into counseling with the intent on 'fixing' what's broken it won't work. If you enter counseling w/ blaming the other it most likely won't work. We each play a roll in the downfall of our marriage. Be willing to speak the truth, stay opened minded, reflective. A one-time visit to a therapist generally won't fix things, it often takes several visits just so they can see the problems. Are you seeking IC or MC or both?
> 
> Good luck!


Going to an individual counselor.

Had a discussion with my wife last night about whether or not I really want to fix what is broken. It has been too long. We have been to MC and I have already said several times, including last night, that I won't go back. 

Not sure where I will go with it, but it's my intent to stay open and honest. That is really the only way I can be.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> Going to an individual counselor.
> 
> Had a discussion with my wife last night about whether or not I really want to fix what is broken. It has been too long. We have been to MC and I have already said several times, including last night, that I won't go back.
> 
> Not sure where I will go with it, but it's my intent to stay open and honest. That is really the only way I can be.


I think IC is a good place to start and then MC if both of you want to try. That's my hope/desire, but my H isn't there yet. The way I am feeling to night after just a little chat on FB he will never be there. 

I do know that I will try the a MC a couple of times and if we both don't like the person we would move on to another person/group.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

"The way I am feeling to night after just a little chat on FB he will never be there."

A big issue that I have with my wife is acceptance. She has been a broken record talking about things about me that she claims are too independent, things she says are just not normal. I just look at her and ask her to think about what she has just said. It's not about being normal, it's really about her not wanting to accept me the way I am -- which is perfectly normal. She does not like that I am a very social person, doesn't like how I love to play sports and be active. She got mad when she kept refusing to do something with me -- until I finally got sick of it and went with someone else who just happens to be female! I have told her flat out that I have decided that I am going to live my own life, do what I want to do, quit asking if she thinks it's OK. That is what she is calling independence and she hates it.

I loathe the thought of touching her now. I don't like the thought of being close to her. Part of that is the fear of rejection, I know, but a good deal of it is the desire to be with someone spontaneous and warm, which my wife has never been. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.. which still makes me sad.. because I know it's true.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont know why you make such a problem out of it. You both dont want the marriage, dont want each other on any terms, so why waste time and money on it. Get out as soon as possible and live your life.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I agree with you in a lot of ways, Accept. Getting out isn't that easy, needless to say. Then there are two kids who might benefit more if I keep trying and actually succeed. I give up, they learn to give up. 

There is the issue of my own self respect. Even the counselor said that the only self respecting thing to do is leave, if I really think there is no chance of reconciliation.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> I agree with you in a lot of ways, Accept. Getting out isn't that easy, needless to say. Then there are two kids who might benefit more if I keep trying and actually succeed. I give up, they learn to give up.
> 
> There is the issue of my own self respect. Even the counselor said that the only self respecting thing to do is leave, if I really think there is no chance of reconciliation.


Maybe find a different counselor and get a second opinion? Not all ICs are marriage friendly. Some want to fix the person and not the marriage.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I like that suggestion, Mama. It's not that the counselor I saw the other day is not a good one, he's just not focused on what I think I need to address in order to be able to address the relationship. He's jumping the gun.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> I like that suggestion, Mama. It's not that the counselor I saw the other day is not a good one, he's just not focused on what I think I need to address in order to be able to address the relationship. He's jumping the gun.


I had one that wanted to talk about my marital relationship and I think she made it more of a problem at home then it needed to be... it was me not happy at work and myself but she kept taking things back to my H and I would defend him etc (though he wouldn't go so he wouldn't know that). My older kids thought it was over then... I was so angry/depressed. But by defending him to her, defending our relationship to her helped me get right w/ "us" back then.

I hope you can find someone else that you feel like they have what you need.


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