# Husband has checked out, Separated for 2 Months



## JC2002 (Dec 19, 2012)

Hi, I came across this board and am in desperate need for advice. My background story is somewhat long, and I apologize. I've been married for almost 11 years, together 13 1/2 and have a 9 year old daughter. My husband and I were immediately in love with each other upon meeting...I knew that first night we would be married. Our life together started off great...bought a little starter house, was pregnant within the first year. Problem was, we were both terrible with money...total spenders, not savers. Well as the years went on, we had no idea how bad the credit card debt had got - almost $80,000. About 3 years ago we realized how bad it was, and it seemed impossible to tackle ourselves. Between the 2 of us, we make great money, but the credit card payments, all of our disposable income was gone. My husband is a policeman, and was picking up any extra job he could to bring money into the house. That unfortunately left me alone an awful lot. Our relationship began to suffer because of it. The fighting started and the stress because of it began to wear on us. But throughout it all, he'd always say, "we can't turn on each other, we're all we've got". We remained best friends throughout it all. And there were still a lot of good times between us. Well to make matters worse, I'd been longing for another baby for quite some time. For some unexplained reason, I could not conceive. Well I started looking into fertility treatments, and my husband was adamant about not pursuing them. He said with our situation, we had no business having another baby. We wouldn't be able to handle it. I didn't understand at the time and just thought he didn't love me enough to have another baby with me. I didn't see the big picture. All I knew was that my biological clock was ticking, and felt the need to add on to our family. I started to resent him for it. So now for the icing on the cake....I'd always been on a clean freak. But over the last couple years it escalated to a whole new level. Cleaning became my coping mechanism...the nights of being alone, I started cleaning rituals and couldn't go to bed until everything was "perfect". I also would not allow my husband or child to do certain things in the house because of my compulsions. Made him feel like a guest in his own home. I admit I was miserable to live with. Well over the summer the fighting just got so out of hand....bad fights. In early September we talked about maybe he should stay at his moms for a few days just so we can get some space. He agreed and then told me he wasn't sure if he still loved me the same way. That was devestating to hear. So he went to his Moms for a week and a half and returned because of how badly I was dealing with things. I admit it, I was hysterical, creating drama, even threatened to hurt myself. I was doing anything to get him to come home or at least show some affection. It was like a switch went off in him. He just didn't seem to care. During this week he was at his moms, I saw a Dr. and she diagnosed me with OCD and started me on medication right away. So when he came back, he told me that things would be okay and that we'll take baby steps to rebuild our relationship. During this time he had no physical contact with me, he did say he loved me, but it was once. Well by the end of the first week of him being home, he made a comment about baby steps again, and said how badly he wanted to kiss me. So I went over to him and kissed him, and one thing turned into another and we were intimate. First thing he said to me afterwards, was "don't start cleaning again." Well the next day he was acting weird, and basically told me he was confused about us. Wasn't sure he was still in love with me. Said he wanted to go to counseling. So at counseling, she asks us what our goal was, and I said mine was to rebuild my marriage. He said he was at a crossroads...not sure if we should just be friends, or emotional partners. That was a punch in the stomach. After a week or so, he kept saying that maybe a real separation was in order. So I made the decision easy for him, told him to go. We continued counseling for a few more weeks...but it seemed to be going nowhere. She was giving us great advice for 2 people who had the same goal in mind, but not working for us. If anything it seemed to make things worse. He has so much anger about my cleaning and control in the house, and cannot empathize that it had developed into something I couldn't control. He says I'm hiding behind it. I've realized that I've had a problem with anxiety and depression for quite some time. He doesn't seem to care about any of that....all he knows is that he's not sure he can forgive and try to move forward with us. So we put a stop to the counseling. Since then many hurtful things have been said....like "we're no longer a family, I don't want to work on us, I haven't wanted to come home, I like having my own space, I'm not in love with you." So he says he loves me, but realized he can't live with me. During all of this he's been adamant about not wanting a divorce....yet. Well on Monday he told me he does want a divorce, the only reason he's stalling is because of our financial situation.Says there is no hope and in the last 8 weeks he's done soul searching, and he can't see past how bad it was living with me. Doesn't care that if it was an illness, it happened, and he can't get past it. Says he cries for us all the time and how we used to be, but he doesn't have those feelings anymore. Loves me yes, cares for me, but can't live with me. Doesn't want to have to file bankruptcy and doesn't want to lose the house for our daughter. He has been staying with a friend who isn't charging him rent, and he says he'll live like this until the debt is gone. We approximately have 2 years left. During all of this all he talks about his money and the debt, that's his main priority...he has said we're on the backburner until then. That was before the divorce was brought up the other day. All of this behavior from him is so unlike his old self...I just don't get it. I think he himself is severely depressed, he's had a history of it his whole life. When I told him that he said a magic pill isn't going to make him feel things again. I said no, but it may give you some hope back, or get rid of the overwhelming thoughts about everything...he's been on meds before and he said they do more harm than good. I can't help him, he's got to help himself. He keeps saying he's checked out, is emotionally detached from me. Thing is, 2 weeks before the first separation, we went on a date and it was probably the best night we'd had in a long time....kept telling me how madly in love he was with me still, was like a school boy with me. Then 2 weeks later he's checked out? I know he hit a breaking point, but to turn his back on me is just so unlike him. He was my rock all these years. I don't know if I'm in denial or what. Any insight would be helpful...and I'm sorry for such a long post.


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## JC2002 (Dec 19, 2012)

Just don't want my post to get lost - I need advice.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Im afraid I don't have any advice as I'm still trying to figure my own mess out but i empathise with your situation. Please do continue to post, there are many caring people with valuable experience to share on here. Many folks may be away from the board busy with Christmas which might be why you've not received a reply yet. My only advice is stay strong and do a 180. Search if you're unfamiliar with it. hugs xo


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

JC hard times for you guys. I hate seeing these new posts.

Get yourself to individual councelling first and foremost and make sure the finances are sorted first. 

If you are separating get some boundaries going and I hate to ask, but is there any possibility of any third party involvement?

How old are you both btw?



love and peace


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