# Does this seem normal?



## lessonslearned15 (Dec 6, 2015)

This will be long, so please be patient.

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years and in this time the sexual relations have been up and down. I'm currently pregnant and was feeling VERY uncomfortable until I hit the third trimester and got some hint of my drive back. In the meantime, husband was using porn and masturbating. Here's what bothers me, we recently had a huge fight and really started to communicate. We started having more sex and I thought we were on the right track with one exception. Several years ago my husband contacted and sent a picture of his penis to another man. He said it was a fantasy, it meant nothing, and it wouldn't happen again. I'm not sure if it has or not, but I did see that he'd been watching gay/bisexual porn and I told him this is a major turn off for me and that he needed to come clean about his sexuality. I don't want him to feel bad about it, but I also don't want to be married to a bisexual/gay male. He said he watches all kinds of porn and it meant nothing. Again, it just seems strange. Fast forward a week, and he wants to try anal play on himself. This is fine because I somewhat enjoy it, but now all he watches is pegging porn and the last video almost made me want to throw up because it had gay undertones to it. He watches porn everyday and we've watched it together. He also has trouble getting/holding an erection. It seems like he has no interest in what I consider normal PIV sex. What do you think? At this point, I'm so turned off with the entire situation that I no longer want to have sex.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Straight men do not watch gay porn or send pictures of their penis to other men. Simple as that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Straight men _can_ be into pegging or anal play, that's totally fine, as long as it's with a woman (or solo play).


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

Its gonna end in divorce. He's gay..simple as that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s not our deal but the butt play thing seems to be becoming more popular. I wouldn’t say the pegging deal makes him gay but the constant fixated topic along with the past.... I would think he is suppressing his truth.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You have been having issues for YEARS. Now you have this added to it. When do you say "enough is enough" and get out of a clearly unhappy marriage? Somethings are fixable, your husband's sexuality isn't one of those things. It's time to pull the plug. 


> Sometimes, I feel like I hate my husband. We've been together a long time. He's always been selfish and very "me" centered, but lately, I just can't deal with it. Asking him to do little things gets me a long, loud sigh, eye rolls, the whole petulant child act. I met him when I was young and now that I'm older, it's not cutting it. He's a know-it-all. On and on....it's also strange that he doesn't seem to have any close friends. I'm thinking it's because he's high strung and won't shut up. He definitely does have ADHD. He can get focused and do really well, but he's such an ass that people are put off by his behavior. You can't talk to him without being interrupted. Car rides are a nightmare because he's always so impatient, cussing, telling me how to drive. The short of this is, I'm getting to where I can't stand being around him. I think about divorce all the time. No one knows I feel this way because I'm pretty private person, but I need to get this out. This has been a very successful year for me in a professional sense. Oh, another thing, I take care of all our finances. Credit scores, use of credit cards, best ways to get us ahead, etc. He has no interest in any of it! I feel like I live with a child. I feel like he's sucking my soul out of me, yet I don't leave. I don't know what to do, or how to feel.





> I'll admit, I'm bitter. As I said in another thread, I have been pretty successful this year at work. I'm constantly trying to improve myself and working on a few things for next year. I finished a project that paid me a large sum of money. With this, I had to pay things my husband caused. I don't want to go into details as it might reveal who I am, but I paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to remedy something that my name was attached to. However, my poor financial planning wasn't the issue. It was his. He recently started his own business and has been working very hard, but prior to that, he never really had a job that would support us should I lose mine. I've been with my company a long time and it's part of the reason I got such a great opportunity and paid what I did. This is making me bitter beyond belief. I repaired his credit and now our scores are outstanding. I have a little left in savings, but should have almost $15,000 to $20,000. I don't because of the financial mishap he caused. He always has to have the expensive cars. Told me he'd sell his toy to recoup some of the money, but has not. There are other issues, but this is huge for me. I feel like I'm having to take care of him. I'd like to be taken care of for once. Am I being unrealistic?


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## lessonslearned15 (Dec 6, 2015)

I was just reading these past post. Good news, he's grown up since 2015. He's done a lot of self improvement over the years and I saw a drastic difference in his behavior since this time. I'm still the main money manager, but he's pulled through for me on things I've asked for. So, I can't fault him for past behavior when he has made major improvements in this area. I think the pictures might have been around 2015 as well. Making this a dark time in our marriage. But, the persistent use of gay/bi porn is what concerns me now.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

lessonslearned15 said:


> But, the persistent use of gay/bi porn is what concerns me now.


As it should.

It really is as simple as "straight men don't do that". Sometimes curiousity can get the best of people, I've clicked on some weird **** and it doesn't mean I'm into it! When it becomes a regular thing though... it's because you're into it.

As a straight male, personally, I'd much rather watch videos with two women. Why? Because there is no penises in it. If I do watch a video with a man and woman, I'm totally blocking out the man. Watching gay or bi porn is the opposite of that.

I am glad he's done some self-improvement, unfortunately sexuality can't be changed and he's either bi or gay. You said both are unacceptable to you, so... what now?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

He’s obviously bisexual. But if he is not cheating on you, why do you care? 

I think his porn use is more of an issue than this bisexual thing.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

lessonslearned15 said:


> but I did see that he'd been watching gay/bisexual porn and I told him this is a major turn off for me and that he needed to come clean about his sexuality.


But it wasn't meant to turn you on. And really, the way you worded that request was more like a judgmental demand and guarantees he will never feel comfortable coming clean to you about his sexuality.



lessonslearned15 said:


> I don't want him to feel bad about it, but I also don't want to be married to a bisexual/gay male. He said he watches all kinds of porn and it meant nothing. Again, it just seems strange.


I just think you need to be enlightened instead of being so judgmental.



lessonslearned15 said:


> Fast forward a week, and he wants to try anal play on himself. This is fine because I somewhat enjoy it


See, this is what I mean. You think your husband's sexuality is up for your permission and approval. But nobody's sexuality should be at the consent of dissent of others. He doesn't need you to agree or disagree with who he is or like what he likes in order to be who he is. It's like you thinking you need to approve of the color of his hair or the size of his ears. But those types of things are not for you to judge because you play no part in determining them. He is who he is, and it would be nice for him if his wife accepted who he is. I can understand you not wanting to be married to a man who is a practicing gay or bisexual. So long as he doesn't cheat on you and engage in sex with other people - male nor female - then there's no harm in him expressing his sexuality in these basic ways that he's doing. Too much porn poses a problem in marriages, of course. And that's probably the reason you've begun to feel he's not interested in sexual intercourse with you. But that's not because he watches gay porn. There are millions of porn widows these days, so the overuse of any type of porn is the problem.

I anal play my husband all the time. Not daily and sometimes not every week, but I do it and I love doing it for him. The reason I began is it just makes sense to me that gay men like (anal) sex, and there are also men who live on the down-low - men like your husband who are afraid to share that part of themselves with their wife/girlfriend. Down-low men are not gay or bisexual. They are not attracted to men and not turned on by men. They are attracted to women and turned on by women, but they like anal sex because it feels good, so they secretly have sex with gay men for the sexual pleasure of it.

So the logic of it to me is that all men have the same anatomical equipment, and that to me means that all men would enjoy anal play. That, of course, is not to say all men want it, but I do believe they all would enjoy it. Tickling their prostate from their anus (or gooch area) will feel good to any man because that part of their anatomy feels good when stimulated just like other parts that feel good when stimulated. So I do it for my husband to make him feel good. He never asks for it but never stops me, and I love making him scream like he makes me scream.

I'm hoping to convince you that there's nothing wrong or disturbing about what your husband is doing, with the exception of way too much (daily???) pornography. Try to change your mind about it so you're not so judgmental of him. You don't have to watch the videos that you dislike, but engage with him and consider participating. At least try it so he can become more comfortable in sharing that part of himself with you.

If you do as I suggest, it will expand the sex life the two of you share together. And that just might have a positive affect on his amount of porn use, so he will be more available to you for hetero sex.

Just imagine how you've made your husband feel. You're making him shut his wife out of his sex life, and that might lead him to do things with other people he might not otherwise venture into. Expanding your sex life by engaging in what he enjoys might keep your husband at home and your marriage together in the most honest way.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m sorry but this is definitely abnormal. Porn, everyday... really? I think it’s just completely reprogrammed hubby’s brain such that he is now seeking out more and more unusual things to watch and experience. I can’t imagine this ending well unless he can recover and break his addiction to porn.

Marital sex is kind of like a beautiful flower that needs to be nurtured... there’s a lot of ways you can kill it...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Porn and people's response to it is a funny thing. There have been studies where women have been hooked up to various polygraph type equipment to measure their physiologic response to visual imagery including vaginal moisture and engorgement etc and found that heterosexual women were getting physiologically aroused (ie elevated heart and respiratory rates, pupil dialation, vaginal lubrication, clitoral engorgement etc) while not only watching heterosexual porn but also female/female porn and even male/male porn. 

Now get this - they were even becoming physiologically aroused watching the mating of chimpanzees, gorillas etc. 

On questionaire they denied becoming emotionally aroused but their physiological arousal was in black and white. 

Now does this mean that these women wanted to go out and have sex with chimps and gorillas?? No. It means they responded to visual, sexual imagery. 

Where I am going with this? People get turned on and visually stimulated by some pretty wacky stuff but that does not mean that they are going to go out and do it. It's not necessarily an end-all-be-all indicator of basic sexual orientation either. 

If heterosexual men did not get stimulated by the sight of an erect penis and ejaculation, then the only porn that would exist in the world would be lesbian porn. But that is obviously not the case. 

Now do I think it is healthy that a guy is watching ANY kind of porn daily and not giving his partner the love'n she wants or not being able to perform with a flesh and blood woman? No, not all. That is a problem. 

He may not be bi/gay (or maybe he is, I dunno) but he is definately dropping the ball and getting a D- in the bedroom. 

And I think you being pregnant is impacting your disgust with him as well. He may have been a hot sexy hunk back in your younger and nonpregnant days and you may have even appreciated and embraced his open sexuality and willingness to explore different things. 

But now that you are pregnant, you naturally shift to wanting a lot more support and focus to be on you and support and preparation for the baby. 

A dude that is spending his time watching other dudes rub their winkies together and then not giving his pregnant wife the love'n and support and attenting she wants is going to quickly be getting sent to live in the doghouse. 

The issue here is probably not his sexual orientation but rather his lack of attention and support to you and the baby. 
You have a very legit beef there. 

Don't make this about his orientation. If you make it about you thinking he is secretly bi/gay, he will just say that he is not bi/gay and go on about his business. 

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that the issue isn't what kind of porn he is spanking to but that you want him focusing his time and attention and energies on supporting YOU and the baby and not spending it spanking to porn and leaving you to fend for yourself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But now that you are pregnant, you naturally shift to wanting a lot more support and focus to be on you and support and preparation for the baby.
> 
> A dude that is spending his time watching other dudes rub their winkies together and then not giving his pregnant wife the love'n and support and attenting she wants is going to quickly be getting sent to live in the doghouse.
> 
> ...


Here is the TLDR punchline if you don't want to read my dissertation on people's arousal of porn.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It's hard to say whether he's bisexual or gay and that distinction is important to some people and not to others. My exH is gay. I didn't want to be married to a gay man either so I divorced my husband. I had someone try to tell me I wasn't enlightened and my answer to that is that I have every right as a straight woman to want to be married to someone who is a straight man. Liking **** is something you should disclose before you put a ring on it. End of story. 

I'll tell you what I said to my exH when I asked for the divorce. "Straight men don't do the things you've done." If he's watching gay porn he's not straight. Can you live with it if he's bisexual but stays faithful to you? At this point he's using so much porn he can't get it or keep it up with you. It might be because the more he explores that side of him the less he's able to perform with a woman because in reality, he's not bi, he's gay. That's what happened with my exH. Or it could be because he's masturbating so much with the porn there's nothing leftover for you. Either way, he's failing you in the bedroom. Tell him that.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

lessonslearned15 said:


> This will be long, so please be patient.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for over 10 years and in this time the sexual relations have been up and down. I'm currently pregnant and was feeling VERY uncomfortable until I hit the third trimester and got some hint of my drive back. In the meantime, husband was using porn and masturbating. Here's what bothers me, we recently had a huge fight and really started to communicate. We started having more sex and I thought we were on the right track with one exception. Several years ago my husband contacted and sent a picture of his penis to another man. He said it was a fantasy, it meant nothing, and it wouldn't happen again. I'm not sure if it has or not, but I did see that he'd been watching gay/bisexual porn and I told him this is a major turn off for me and that he needed to come clean about his sexuality. I don't want him to feel bad about it, but I also don't want to be married to a bisexual/gay male. He said he watches all kinds of porn and it meant nothing. Again, it just seems strange. Fast forward a week, and he wants to try anal play on himself. This is fine because I somewhat enjoy it, but now all he watches is pegging porn and the last video almost made me want to throw up because it had gay undertones to it. He watches porn everyday and we've watched it together. He also has trouble getting/holding an erection. It seems like he has no interest in what I consider normal PIV sex. What do you think? At this point, I'm so turned off with the entire situation that I no longer want to have sex.


I am straight.
I have never wanted anything in my anus.
I have not watched gay porn.
I have never had a desire to send aex pics to any man.
I would guess he is gay or bi.
In my opinion porn is harmful to a marriage, he should not watch any.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

hinterdir said:


> I am straight.
> I have never wanted anything in my anus.
> I have not watched gay porn.
> I have never had a desire to send aex pics to any man.
> ...


A lot of absolutes there. Which is fine; for the most part I would answer the same myself, other than that, while I think porn _can_ be harmful to a marriage, it's not for the reasons most cite. Porn use can become an alternative to dealing with the real issues. I think that's it's most insidious side. Not that it would cause you to become deviant in a way that's detrimental to your marriage, but because it allows you to lean on it instead of fix your marriage. Or perhaps to fix what's unsettled about yourself.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Where I am going with this? People get turned on and visually stimulated by some pretty wacky stuff but that does not mean that they are going to go out and do it. It's not necessarily an end-all-be-all indicator of basic sexual orientation either.


Agreed, and I'd add that porn can dull what turns a person on, so more extreme genres are needed to get off.

Same how some people who dabble in drugs need harder stuff to get the same high (yes, I know, not all people....some)


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