# How much anger can/should the BS have, and for how long?



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

..and anyone NOT think it is OK to express anger to the WS?

so this is an opinion/survey type thread (not a poll though).

I think that BS anger is:

-- justified (very few exceptions)
-- appropriate to express to WS
-- should be expressed in relation the magnitude of pain inflicted on the BS. i.e. short of violence it would be hard for me to conceive of any expressions of anger that would be _inappropriate_.............though probably out of range of kids

-- constructive in many cases. regardless of eventual D or R I think it underscores to WS in no uncertain terms what the BS thinks of what the WS did.......and in some cases, what the BS now thinks of the WS. I think it can also motivate more decisive action by the BS

-- probably problematic if it burns too hot for too long. i.e. a problem for the BS him/herself. But I also think there is nothing wrong with the BS permanently losing all respect for the WS - regardless of whether the WS is "...still the kids' mother/father." And I also think that, in somes cases (cases I've read on here), the WS infidelity is flat out UNforgivable.


what do you think?


----------



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I was incredibly angry when I found out. Like rage angry. I wanted to tear her apart and maybe kill the om. But that anger lasted for about an hour or so. If she had been around at the time I had discovered the affair, I might have done something very bad. But probably not. I am a very calm and cool dude, my profession requires me to never panic or I will get myself and others killed. So for me, the anger and rage faded very quickly. My anger then became a sort of like "how dare this dumb b!tch cheat and lie to me". I felt angry mostly stemming from the lack of respect the ex had for my intelligence. It was sort of like when you get dunked on by some dude and you're angry and like you want to get him back. It bruised my ego a bit and I felt angry out of that. 

Now, I still do get angry that she gave up our family for some orgasms and d!ck, but it's more now just sad. Sad really. 

But I was angry with her for about 4 months or so. It didn't really fade. I didn't want to physically hurt her or anything, but I did want to emotionally destroy her and break her spirit. Which by taking her only child and divorcing her a$$ I have. 

But as time went on I felt empathy for her and began to love her again. And that's were I am today. 

One confused SOB. Still getting divorced, have agreed on shared custody for our son and it's gone pretty smooth. Except my feelings for her. I thought I had become numb and indifferent about her. I thought that with all the young hot women I've plowed, I would f*ck my way out of love with her. 

But it hasn't worked. I love her. And it sucks. 

And now, where once I was so sure about my feelings about her, I am confused and have knots in my stomach and I get nervous when I see her and talk to her. It's really quite awful. I know what she did is awful. I thought that she hated me and that she would relish me giving her freedom so she could play around. But it hasn't worked for her either. 

And this is where I am today. At first their was anger and hate. Now love and sadness. 

I suspect most BS are like this.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yep I still have it, controlled but sometimes a rage that will not dampen.

Again like you I just feel sad for our kids.

I'm 20 mnths since separation

I got this when she'd gone "he demonstrated to me the kind of life I could have" 

He never left his wife
She's living still in a small two bed terraced hse 
She has money problems

So in the end "better"

It was all worth it it?

Gets me pissed off just thinking about it


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

We can fight our deep and primal response to the gash of betrayal all we want. The anger you speak of is just one of the many emotions that overpower us. 

Few win the battle, if any. 

Once your spouse has betrayed you which almost always includes lying through their teeth to you on a daily basis, it is simply impossible to feel the same way about them again. . . ever. 

The problem is you liked it before, 'the way we were" as the song says. One day you woke up, your world fell apart and you were completely unprepared. How many threads start with, "I never thought I'd be posting on here. . ." The way we were becomes just that, 'the way we were'. A great deal of the anger is because WS stole that away from you. And the trouble is, no matter what they do, they can never give it back. 

Now you have to get used to the 'new' way. It has to be forced and worked on, reading books, going to counsellors and even posting on TAM. Good days and bad days. The journey to stay together couldn't be more different from the journey of falling in love, the one that brought you together in the first place. 

R is a long and difficult road, an uncertain future punctuated with triggers and watchfulness to greater and lesser degrees while trying to harness the emotions that keep resurfacing without warning. So different from the future before D-day. Hard as it is to believe, the same road is littered with false Rs, the turning of the knife in the wound. The capacity for cruelty in human beings is astonishing, particularly towards those they 'love'. 

D in the long run is the easier road in my opinion. Seasons pass, things change and you don't have to be reminded daily or do the 'hard work' of R so that the emotions and anger have space to dissipate and fade. And one day another door opens, usually unexpectedly. 

Here's a question:
"Would you have married your WS if you knew they would start lusting over someone else and then act on it?"

My reply
"I wouldn't have even dated him!" 

I am realistic. Temptation is everywhere. I would settle for marrying someone as long as I knew they would have the decency to divorce me BEFORE trying out a replacement model. I guess WSs are too weak to do that. Many even think they can keep both BS and OW/M on the go. None of them stop unless caught and many don't even stop then. 

In short I think betrayal is unforgivable though some survive it to go on and stay together in its shadow.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> And now, where once I was so sure about my feelings about her, I am confused and have knots in my stomach and I get nervous when I see her and talk to her. It's really quite awful. I know what she did is awful. I thought that she hated me and that she would relish me giving her freedom so she could play around. But it hasn't worked for her either.
> 
> And this is where I am today. At first their was anger and hate. Now love and sadness.
> 
> I suspect most BS are like this.


I'm not so sure about that TheFlood. 

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Firstly, it takes our hearts quite some time to catch up with our heads.

Secondly, I haven't read your thread (I will) but I'm assuming you didn't try R. You mightn't feel the way you do now if you had tried it. 

You said it wasn't working for her either. Why don't you try out R and experience what it's like. Ask her out on a date for starters. It might make your heart catch up with your head. Or maybe yours is a case where it could work. 

There's nothing to lose because you don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling love and sadness with regard to your exWS. It will be impossible to meet someone else if you do. 

Don't idealise her. She wasn't the person you thought she was. It's the luck of the draw too. Perhaps if things had worked out between her and her OM she might be on her way to her second marriage hardly passing you a second glance. She liked him enough to put him before you, the father of her child, in the first place.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

TheFlood117 said:


> I was incredibly angry when I found out. Like rage angry. I wanted to tear her apart and maybe kill the om. But that anger lasted for about an hour or so. If she had been around at the time I had discovered the affair, I might have done something very bad. But probably not. I am a very calm and cool dude, my profession requires me to never panic or I will get myself and others killed. So for me, the anger and rage faded very quickly. My anger then became a sort of like "how dare this dumb b!tch cheat and lie to me". I felt angry mostly stemming from the lack of respect the ex had for my intelligence. It was sort of like when you get dunked on by some dude and you're angry and like you want to get him back. It bruised my ego a bit and I felt angry out of that.
> 
> Now, I still do get angry that she gave up our family for some orgasms and d!ck, but it's more now just sad. Sad really.
> 
> ...



Yeah, it svcks! And it all comes back to "our" choice. Lucky us! 

~sammy


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Nuclear: I can really relate to your post. When I found out that my XW was having an affair (27 months ago) with a good friend of ours, I was so angry! Then within 24 hours I was over most of the anger with her, and wanted to R. She never gave us a chance, never once told me she was sorry. I spent the next year, wishing we could get back what we had, loving her. I could not get my mind around how easily she threw away our life, the life we had spent 31 years together creating.
Only in the last 6-8 months have those feelings really started to go away, now they are mostly gone, but occasionally they come back. Mourn for the loss of what was, that's natural, but take care of yourself, work on yourself, improve yourself, it does get better, working on yourself makes it happen sooner. So sorry you are here.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Anger has been my companion since Dday. The lying and deceit. It took me a long time to realize my old life was done and she killed it. It made the anger grow. I have never acted out but it is always there lurking below the surface to lash out.

In fact I am back meeting with my IC because I cannot let the anger go. Dday was 7/8/2011.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Everybody is psychologically different! Some people, seemingly, are better suited to demonstrate rage than I am. I'm just too laid back. I'd rather her feel "guilt," but there are tons of folks who, due largely to their self-serving attitudes, are not even capable of that!

That does not in any way diminish the hurt that I felt from XW's covert betrayal. It's the "betrayal" and the lying by omission that literally tears my heart from the core of my soul. To hell with who she wants to join her sex organs with ~ that's totally immaterial! It's the betrayal and the resulting abandonment that hurts the worst!

Over time, I only hope that my innate anger will diminish, knowing full well that while I unequivicably forgive her for her sordid actions, I continue to hold on to the sobering fact that I will never, ever forget what it was that she did to me in literally driving a stake through my broken heart!*


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Everybody is psychologically different! Some people, seemingly, are better suited to demonstrate rage than I am. I'm just too laid back. I'd rather her feel "guilt," but there are tons of folks who, due largely to their self-serving attitudes, are not even capable of that!
> 
> That does not in any way diminish the hurt that I felt from XW's covert betrayal. It's the "betrayal" and the lying by omission that literally tears my heart from the core of my soul. To hell with who she wants to join her sex organs with ~ that's totally immaterial! It's the betrayal and the resulting abandonment that hurts the worst!
> 
> Over time, I only hope that my innate anger will diminish,knowing full well that I unequivocably forgive her for her actions, but holding on to the fact that I will never, ever forget what it did to me in driving a stake through my broken heart!*



This is one that really pisses me off 

I KNOW I'm (was ) laid back I've had too many people in my life tell me how that was a cool part of my personality especially stbxw! but I'm not that anymore. I can feel I should be, want to be back to the me I know I am ( were) She's desperate for us to be amicable but seeing as there's been nil remorse I also feel that would be giving her something from me as well. No fking way

I'm about to enter an interesting phase with stbxw as she (and I of course want us to be amicable -the hatred is unhealthy) I have said unless I can respect her in some way I will always hate / despise her and whilst there is no remorse just a "sorry .... but you blah blah "I cannot for a moment feel anything other than contempt for her.

She's agreed to go to counseling to try to make our interaction 'better', less antagonistic and I have told her unless there is honesty about what we speak of then it will be a waste of time and my feelings will never change although I do want that to be different. We'll see how long having to be honest with a third party there to verify lasts!?

I'm not optimistic tbh


----------



## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

My DDay was 2/28/2012 and I'm still angry. I know I will never forgive, or not any time soon... this forum is a great resource though!!!

I, too, took a very long time to accept that my old life was gone and to form a new reality and accept that my future was forever altered, without my consent.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you are a BS and you frequent this site, you are still angry, regardless of how you frame your emotions. 
Sorry


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

May d-day was May 2011, only until Aug. of 2013, was my anger and rage able to be under control when emotions got to close to the surface. Even now I struggle, 2.5 yrs later.

I too have re-enter therapy to help me cope with what may be a new beginnings, but I'm nowhere near where I would like to be yet. 

~ sammy


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

hookares said:


> If you are a BS and you frequent this site, you are still angry, regardless of how you frame your emotions.
> Sorry


While that may be true for some. Most of my motivation for being here is to help another BS not make the same mistakes that I did. May be deal with things better then I did or at least help them with the trama, pain, anger, mind movies, and so on.


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

As the months rolled on, rage turned to anger. Anger turned to bitterness, disappointment, even joy. Some emotions happened at the same time. 

I gave her 4 months of R, after she was still lying, I gave up. It was wasted energy that was being put to poor use.

All that love, sacrifice, pain I turned on myself. 

Instead of building her up, I built myself. Instead of bending over backwards to give her things, I gave to me. 

I am the priority in my life (aside from my kids of course.) I am #1. 

I've dropped over 100lbs. I'm often unrecognizable getting "do I know you from somewhere?" I've put on muscle. I don't settle or give in. 

It took many months to undo the damage she'd caused over the years. She tore me down long before she cheated. I was abused by her. 

That took a long time to rebuild. 

But early on, I told her "I'm going to heal with you or without you." She chose. 

I believed, and still do, it would be a crime to myself to let her rob me of anymore time, for me to give anymore sacrifice.

It's amazing what you can accomplish if you stop obsessing over someone else, and focus on what pays off in the long run: yourself.


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

How much? Um, how deep is the ocean again? lol 
In all seriousness, I don't think it ever goes away. Sure, there are the day-to-day distractions, there are good moments, but when the triggers hit, OH MY GOODNESS do they hit! A song, a date (like DDay anniversaries), anything! I cannot stand to look at pictures of country-singer Miranda Lambert because one of my WHs affair partners looks a lot like her. I could feel a panic/anger attack wash over me in the line at Publix because Lambert was on the cover of a magazine in the checkout line. 
And even though it was almost been a year (which is another trigger point - I'm back at square one, checking for things I may have missed), it still feels like it happened yesterday. So if the feeling still feels fresh, then so to will the anger.
I don't think there really is any answer to this. Every person deals differently, every situation different. As for me, I'm just treading water. Maybe it's because DDay Ann. is coming up. Maybe it's because I still believe he is lying about how he *only* had EAs (too much time away from home spent in the towns where the APs lived to NOT indulge). I don't know.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wasn't angry at the time. I was very sad and in shock and the pain? It was an actual physical pain.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

1 year Dday anniversary for me is tomorrow. I just recently, as in the past several days, have started to quiet the rage inside. It comes up - I can feel it start to pull at me, and I am now able (mostly) to shut it down. 

I made the choice to shut it down because rage is a huge waste of energy and does me no good.

Still, there's not a human on the planet I despise more than my stbxw. But I'd rather not think about her at all than have hatred for her. Total indifference is my goal.

To answer the question, I guess that really depends on the person - but judging by the fact that people murder over infidelity, I'd say a lot and for a long, long time.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The anger is fine and normal. My WW thought I was going to murder her... Keep in mind though, anger can be like a fuel. You can use it constructively and dictate how to direct it. So while there was my fair amount of rants and screaming directed at her... There was also a lot of it directed into a heavy punching bag, exercise, and a drive to re-establish old friendships and my own social network. Things that without that rage driving me forward, I probably would have found an excuse not to do. 

It isn’t a bad emotion. I’ve come to believe there are no bad emotions.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> And this is where I am today. At first their was anger and hate. Now love and sadness.
> 
> I suspect most BS are like this.


That WOULD suck. I'm not there - I have zero love for the stbxw. I think that's a lot easier than where you are - I would really be f*cking miserable if I still loved her. Hating someone who destroyed you is a lot easier than loving them, I would think.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> And now, where once I was so sure about my feelings about her, I am confused and have knots in my stomach and I get nervous when I see her and talk to her. It's really quite awful. I know what she did is awful. I thought that she hated me and that she would relish me giving her freedom so she could play around. But it hasn't worked for her either.
> 
> And this is where I am today. At first their was anger and hate. Now love and sadness.
> 
> I suspect most BS are like this.



I feel pretty much the same exact way. I think most WS would not have done it if they knew for certain they would have gotten caught. They underestimated us because they were blinded by the selfishness and became overconfident in their skills to decieve. So under this false pretense, it eventually blew up in their face. It is sad, really.


----------



## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I don't know if the pain and anger ever really go away. It's been 3 months since my D-Day. We have tried R, but the anger is still there. Th hurt as well. My wife moved out last week. She said I need to deal with my anger before we can move forward. Not only do I still feel anger, I feel betrayed now. I am left taking care of my 13 and 11 year old from my first marriage. I guess I still feel anger over my first wife's affair which led to my first divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Healer said:


> That WOULD suck. I'm not there - I have zero love for the stbxw. I think that's a lot easier than where you are - I would really be f*cking miserable if I still loved her. Hating someone who destroyed you is a lot easier than loving them, I would think.


Sometimes I wish I were in your shoes. Life would be so much easier if I hated my wife. I could just move on then. But I do still love her very much. We've had some good memories. We still enjoy each others company. I dont hate her. I hate what she did. The anger creeps in alot, 3 months later. Maybe I'm just fooling myself and hanging on through the holidays. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

awake1 said:


> As the months rolled on, rage turned to anger. Anger turned to bitterness, disappointment, even joy. Some emotions happened at the same time.
> 
> I gave her 4 months of R, after she was still lying, I gave up. It was wasted energy that was being put to poor use.
> 
> ...


Awake:
thanks for your post. I recall that your xW was posting on CWI several months ago, and I commented, asking you regarding how manipulative she was. you were replying to the questions and so was she. so in bold above does not surprise, because just the way she was posting indicated to me she might have a personality disorder (PD). Some people are so bad that infidelity is only a symptom, only one of the symptoms of their god-awful condition. 

The emotional abuse should have been your dealbreaker, long before she cheated, though I know in those circumstances people can lose perspective on how a normal spouse should behave. how a normal spouse argues, fights. take care of your kids, people with PD are not great parents, for the most part.

one more thing, don't want to mislead anyone. I've never been a BS or WS. But have experience with PDs, infidelity and divorce in my immediate family. so I find so many of the personal stories on CWI quite compelling.......the degree of humiliation involved, how hard it is to successfully R, that the pain can remain with the BS for decades (including the triggers and mind movies), the great number of "reconciled" couples that are barely limping along in their marriages in the aftermath, the 'trap' caused by fear of isolation from your kids if you D. I find it mind boggling 

There are a lot of life lessons buried in all this turmoil - in particular the _prime importance of self respect and self confidence_, and how lost a person can be in addressing important life problems (such as a cheating spouse) if they lack these things.......


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Awake:
> thanks for your post. I recall that your xW was posting on CWI several months ago, and I commented, asking you regarding how manipulative she was. you were replying to the questions and so was she. so in bold above does not surprise, because just the way she was posting indicated to me she might have a personality disorder (PD). Some people are so bad that infidelity is only a symptom, only one of the symptoms of their god-awful condition.
> 
> The emotional abuse should have been your dealbreaker, long before she cheated, though I know in those circumstances people can lose perspective on how a normal spouse should behave. how a normal spouse argues, fights. take care of your kids, people with PD are not great parents, for the most part.


I think she was quite surprised, and a little more than worried when the same old manipulation stopped working. As soon as I saw the wizard behind the curtain it made me realize how far out of hand things had gotten.

Aside from the cheating, she was a poor spouse by any standard. 

But one thing she was good at, was getting me to do what she wanted through manipulation and for lack of a better term, emotional abuse. 

We didn't start out that way, it was gradual coming on over years. 

Like many abusive spouses, she acted different around others. But when alone the claws came out. 

I could do nothing right. She needed pleased. She wanted more money, yet blamed me for working more. Everything seemed to revolve around her and her happiness. If she wasn't happy no one was. 

I let her tear me down. I was depressed and anxious. 

It was when I found out about her cheating that my eyes opened. I felt in many ways as if i'd been asleep for more than a decade. Almost in a fog. 



nuclearnightmare said:


> one more thing, don't want to mislead anyone. I've never been a BS or WS. But have experience with PDs, infidelity and divorce in my immediate family. so I find so many of the personal stories on CWI quite compelling.......the degree of humiliation involved, how hard it is to successfully R, that the pain can remain with the BS for decades (including the triggers and mind movies), the great number of "reconciled" couples that are barely limping along in their marriages in the aftermath, the 'trap' caused by fear of isolation from your kids if you D. I find it mind boggling
> 
> There are a lot of life lessons buried in all this turmoil - in particular the _prime importance of self respect and self confidence_, and how lost a person can be in addressing important life problems (such as a cheating spouse) if they lack these things.......


My stubbornness is what saved me. The self respect came later. It didn't seem to matter to me how ugly, disrespected, inept or whatever I was. 

I refused to let her steal my future as she did my past. That was the catalyst for my own change. 

The reason no longer matters to me, only that I have improved myself as much as I could in the last 10 months. I will continue to do so, because I have to. 

My main regret in all this is that she didn't cheat sooner. I regret wasting 12 years instead of say, 3, or 6. But I am glad it wasn't 20.


----------

