# Am I invading his privacy or protecting myself?



## Mrs.C (Oct 30, 2009)

I am not sure where to start except from the beginning. I was a single mom for 10 years devoting myself to my children and my job after two bad marriages. Once my kids were grown and gone I started dating again. I have always felt plain, homely ….well down right ugly until I met my now husband. I met this man online that made me feel so beautiful, sexy, desirable and so so special. We married less than six months after we met in person, (possibly and probably my #1 mistake). I have always thought that I had a pretty decent body especially after 4 children, shapely, no stretch marks, and 36-24-36. This man made me feel better about myself than anyone ever has, but now he has made me feel so bad that I find it hard for me to even look in the mirror.

He told me that he would like me shaved all but a little patch so I did. He said that no woman had ever worn sexy lingerie so I did. We took risqué pictures of me and he said that he wanted to post them on a couple of amateur porn websites (without showing my face of course) so we did. The comments that I received was overwhelming. They made me feel…. I am not sure how to describe it… gorgeous like I had never felt before. Every thing seemed to be so great. I felt young and beautiful until I noticed that he was logging onto these websites and looking at everyone BUT me. I blew it off for a while and thought if I made him a disk of my pictures than he would spend more time looking at me and not them. He glanced at a couple of pictures from the disk and put it away. I hid the disk from him and he never questioned as to where it was but continued to visit these websites on a daily basis. I questioned him about it and we even got into an argument. He agreed not to visit this website without my being present. I thought that this was working out well. 

I found out later that he was in fact still making regular visits to this website just behind my back. The arguments became more frequent and about a lot of other things as well. Such as his female “friends“, all of which were ex-lovers. He wanted me to be friends with them and I just felt uncomfortable about hanging out with them and them visiting our place frequently. We agreed that the ex-lovers would go and the porn site visits would stop. Apparently I was the only one who agreed.

I started monitoring his email and his web browsing and found that he was still maintaining contact with these other women although he assured me he wasn’t. I found that he would log onto the porn sites within 5 minuets or less after I would leave for work. He did not know that I was “checking up” on him. I hinted around about his online activities but he denied everything. I would say things like I absolutely hate it when people sneak behind your back to do things that they know you disapprove of or how disrespectful it is to lie to your spouse and so on. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to come clean, but he wouldn’t. I finally told him everything that he was doing and asked him why he continually lies about it. All he says is that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. So what if he lies at least he doesn’t cheat. He gets angry because I, as he puts it, monitors his every move and invades his privacy.

All of this may not seam quite so bad except that he claims that he suffers from ED and so we basically have very little sexual contact. And I do say “claims” he suffers from ED because when he gets drunk (which is becoming more frequent) and sleeps for a couple of hours he will wake up erect and ready to go. One problem is that I can not arouse him and he will usually drink until I leave for work then sleep for a couple of hours, wake up then log onto the porn sites. It kills me to think that the naked pictures on line, women he can not even touch or be touched by can give him more satisfaction then I can.

Because of all his lies and his actions I feel that I can not trust him. Most of all because of all his lies and his actions I feel like less of a woman than I have ever felt in my life. 

I can not take the hurt that I have gone through in the past and believe that I have been protecting myself not invading his privacy.


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## lilly (Oct 29, 2009)

My heart goes out to you. And no I dont believe you are invading his privacy. Sounds to me like he has some sexual issues. I'm here because I have issues of my own with my husband, and looking for advice myself. Just wanted you to know that although I'm not the one to give advice, I will keep you in my prayers that you find the answers your looking for. Remember to keep doing what makes you happy no matter how hard it is you have to look out for #1 YOU


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's got a porn problem. And you're right, he can only respond to porn and not a real woman. Try to remember it isn't your fault -- it is his. I know how this feels and how hard it is on your self-concept. But it isn't you. He'll try to make it about you if he's like most people. Don't fall for it.

I'd confront and if he won't fix, I'd leave. You'll have to figure out how long you are willing to fight through his BS.

Also, put a monitor on the PC so you can show him printouts.


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

I agree, he has a problem. Like Lilly, I'm here for help too. I caught my husband - was so shocked and had one of the biggests arguements we ever had. Told him how it made me feel, he pleaded and said it wouldn't happen again. Not trusting (for many reasons) I also put a monitor on and am sick at what I'm seeing. I am out of town quite a bit for work and with the "history" I'm not trusting anything anymore. Not sure how to confront him since I'm "spying" on him. Either way, it shows me a side of him that I only suspected before. I'm trying to protect myself too. I don't feel this is "normal male behavior" that I should just have to deal with. Any guys out there?


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## PoppyRivera (Jul 11, 2010)

I did the same exact things you said that you did. I took the pictures and he has them. I tried to steal mine back because, I later regretted it seeing how he's now Dr. Jekyl-Mr. Hyde. However, with the porn sites and chat rooms, I blocked them. When my son was 4 he could use the computer to go on NickJr.com and I would just open the page for him and he'd play until he got bored. Then i showed him how to log on after I made NickJr.com the home page so he can get on like a 'big boy'. _*Yeah, riiiight*_. My husband had infected the computer with a hi-jacker porn virus. It would not stop switching to this disgusting site and my son ran from the room screaming because he saw something that he could not understand and it. I tried to explain, but he was just confused and scared. I blocked porno and chat rooms and monitored his messages. When he got home from work, I quietly and calmly tore him a new one while our son was asleep. I don't do it anymore because like I said in another post, he's gotten too comfortable with himself.:scratchhead:


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Technically, I suppose it could be said you're invading his privacy, although I do tend to feel that after you get married, privacy tends to really go away. But, whether it's an invasion of privacy or not really doesn't matter, in my opinion. He's doing things that are seriously hurting you mentally, and whether you found out about them through totally aboveboard methods or not really doesn't matter; the fact is, you know about them and they hurt you. He lied to you continually and refuses to acknowledge that these things hurt you. It doesn't even matter whether or not these things should hurt you; they do and he should understand that and be willing to stop because he respects and loves you and doesn't want to see you hurting. Honestly, I think you've given him enough opportunities to change and he refuses, so this is where I'd leave. But...you might not want to do that. So, if that's the case, I'd give him one more chance. Lay out for him very clearly the behavior you want stopped, and make sure he understands that if it doesn't, you're leaving. If it doesn't stop, leave. You deserve better than him. And although it does seem a rather odd way to get better self esteem, when you feel like less of a woman, remember the comments you got when you posted those pics online - those responses should remind you that you are beautiful. And there's more to you than looks as well. I'm sure you're a very smart, kind, funny woman as well.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

atrucker... is right, technically is a bit of an invasion. But, I belive marriage is all about "transparency", nothing shouldn't be hidden (except Xmas presents etc...). 

His behavior on the porn sites was initially enabled/supported by you. But, you have made it clear to him that you no longer approve. My opinion is that although he may think it is OK, his friends may think it is OK, the key for him is that the person he alleges to love more than anything does not. He should want to stop for you.


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## lovemywife4life520 (Jun 21, 2010)

Mrs C - 
I think your protecting yourself. It sounds like you have granted every request he had for you - its time for him to reciprocate. Alcohol + porn + exgirlfriends = heart break. It also sounds like you have tried the verbal communication route with him and it didn't work. I heard once somewhere, probably on here, that we fall in love with someone because of the way they make us feel. If he is making you feel that bad about yourself and question the validity of his love for you, maybe you should do whats best to save yourself from inevitable heart break.


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

My friend, you are dealing with a porn addict. My heart really goes out to you. Unless he gets professional help you guys are going nowhere with this relationship


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