# I'm afraid to have sex with DH



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

If anyone read my previous thread, then you would know what's been going on.. 

But I just wanted to say that I am afraid to have sex with my husband, even though there is still a trickling of attraction towards him left, because I am worried it will get us back together.. Back to normal. 

I don't want to think everything is fine, and get intimate with him... Because I know I don't want this marriage anymore. I don't want to mislead him, or decieve myself into thinking we are OK and can stay together, when the truth is, we can't. 

Im afraid to love him more.. Because it will hurt even more to lose him.. 

I'm afraid also of what usually happens, which is I like it at first but then feel repulsed, cry and stop, or imagine a woman the entire time. 

Im afraid I actually enjoy it with him because that would mean I'm bi. And I don't want to sleep with men anymore! Even if I think I want it. I can't. It doesn't feel right.

I don't want to get sucked into this marriage and get closer to him. I don't want to stay stuck in this culture and country any longer. I am not going to make the same mistake my mother did and sacrifife my own well being and happiness for any future children or love. Because I love him so much im sure I probably would, sadly. Its sick. 

This is so wrong for me.. 

But I can't get over him. He is the love of my life...at least I truly believed he was.


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

I want to get close to him so much, it hurts. But I can't bring myself to do it. That smile on his face afterwards, like he's got his wife back.. That maybe I'm a little less gay. That maybe then I wouldn't think so much about being with a woman or living on my own. That for a moment everything was normal again, like it was our first year of marriage... 

Only for me to crush his expectations once more, when I distance myself from him again? 

No, I'm not doing that. 

But damnit I love him. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't love him the way I do. Sometimes I actually wish he would do something to make me mad or hurt, so I can not love him anymore, and move on. 

But the effed up thing is, if I get what I want.

what if then I beg for everything to be normal again? 

Gosh im all kinds of messed up.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why don't you just leave him. what you are doing to him is a form of serious emotional abuse. He does not deserve this.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> Gosh im all kinds of messed up.


Which is why you shouldn't make any life changing decisions right now.
Imagine what it may be like should be leave him and then come to the same place with a woman that you are with your husband right now. It is likely to happen.
Please get into counseling by yourself - not marriage counseling, but individual counseling.
In the mean time, it sounds like you are playing mind games with yourself. It sounds to me, from what you have posted her and in your other thread, that you enjoy sex with your husband, but you also want to be with women and you do not want to want both, so you psyche yourself out of enjoying your husband because you feel bad about liking both. Does that sound accurate?


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Make up your mind and live with it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why don't you just leave him. what you are doing to him is a form of serious emotional abuse. He does not deserve this.



Completely agree. Stop it!


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

In or out, but get off the fence about it.

You'll both be better off, and if you cared about him, you'd let him out of this quick and clean.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

My BPD senses are tingling.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Quant said:


> My BPD senses are tingling.



Sounds more like a narcissist. It takes a self centered truly awful person to do what she's talking about.


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

You are attracted to women. So what? Some women are so attractive that heterosexual woman feel attracted to them in sexual way. But that doesn't mean you have to bow down to lust. 

You want a different life. So what? No big deal. Everyone would think at times that the other side of the grass is greener. That's normal. But how can you appreciate the other side when you are blind to the great things you have now? 

You are afraid that you will be happy or love this man. Why? 

What is so grand about being able to sleep with the same sex person? What is so great living a western lifesytle of no limits? 

----

Sis, I know you see so much nonsense in Islam but do you know that those nonsense is not in the Quran ? But they came from so called saying of prophet? 

Have you read the Quran? 

Has satan make you see sinful behaviors as desireable and awesome? He is human's enemy anyhow.. That's his job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I am thoroughly confused.


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

yours4ever said:


> ----
> 
> Sis, I know you see so much nonsense in Islam but do you know that those nonsense is not in the Quran ? But they came from so called saying of prophet?
> 
> ...


Yes, I have. I was a Quranist for a year. Denouncing hadith made me believe even more in Islam. But I was struggling with cognitive dissonance on some major things in the Quran so I denounced that as well.


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Call it whatever you want..I'm just really confused myself. 

You don't understand what it's been like for me...I've never had freedom in my life. I could rarely even go out with friends as a teenager due to my over controlling father. I was gifted in so many things and I had to toss them because of tradition, religion or my dad's stupid anxiety. Things like a writing job at a magazine, concerts that my university begged me to do but my father grounded me...just normal stuff. 

I went from that straight to engagement with my hubby at 19/18. I love him, and did love him, I was muslim, we had so much in common, I was straight (or so I thought)...everything was PERFECT. Everyone around us always looked at us at the couple that would make it. We were SOLID. 

I had no preparation for the spiritual crisis I went through last year. It changed everything for me. Doors long ago shut, burst wide open, including my attraction to women that I ignored all my life. 

I never had a fear of commitment until then. Now, I'm terrified of staying married. I have anxiety issues, it's not new to me, but this is whole other level...

you guys I know I'm freaking out, and I'm not being fair to him whatsoever. He loves me so much he's being so supportive despite all this. (About the sex, if you think he is missing out - he isn't because he has a VERY low sex drive anyways).

I've also been sexually abused as a child, so that doesn't help at all, and I know from therapy that it's contributing to my repulsion of sex with men. Duh. But it didn't make me look to women. No..That came way before that. It was already there. 

I'm originally American and from California and I've hated living in Egypt all this time, so when I left Islam, I especially want out now. 

Besides he deserves someone so much more than what I can offer. I KNOW that. No one here needs to remind me that I'm not being fair to him.

The reason why I'm hesitant is that I don't want to regret any decision I make. Which I know is silly, I just really don't want to lose him...I'm scared I will have done such a stupid immature mistake. 

I'm just not ready to settle down now. I was...but after what happened last year, all the things I ever wanted to do but couldn't, won't leave my mind. And He deserves someone really present in the relationship. 

And FYI I am going to therapy. That's one of the reasons why I am going to Texas for a month, to figure some things out. Therapy here has not been very helpful. 

Why don't I just leave? I'm trying to, it's just not going to happen right this minute. I need to make plans. I have to get my papers from University so I can transfer to a college in the US, save some money, get a job...

Oh and I kind of have to discuss all this with him first. >.> 

I don't even know how to talk about it. Or when to talk about it. There's this unspoken sadness between us every night when we cuddle, that we don't bring up. 

I didn't post this asking for answers or help..I just really needed to get these feelings off my chest. Thank you all for listening.


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

yours4ever said:


> You are attracted to women. So what? Some women are so attractive that heterosexual woman feel attracted to them in sexual way. But that doesn't mean you have to bow down to lust.
> 
> You want a different life. So what? No big deal. Everyone would think at times that the other side of the grass is greener. That's normal. But how can you appreciate the other side when you are blind to the great things you have now?
> 
> ...


Because being happy with HIM is not enough. He wants to stay here, he is glued to his family, even though mine is half way across the world. Even though he claims he want to immigrate to Europe, I sincerely doubt it. His prospects aren't very good. If I stay, the terms are BABIES, which I realized I do NOT want anymore - at least not until my thirties), staying in this country, or worse, Saudi Arabia where he's originally from (we've dodged a couple of times going there, but God knows what may happen next), putting up with the backwards mentality of my in laws and the people around me ( not due to religion, just culture), and basically being stuck in my marriage if I have kids because the law here does not give (it rarely does) joint custody should I initiate divorce someday, I would have to wait on him to divorce me, for that...

Just a lot of messed up things. 

There's a chance this could work if he could go live in the states with me. But he explicitly doesn't. Besides, who am I to force my own wishes on him and make him move? And Who is he to do the same? 

We just want really different things...

You know, before the gay thing, these were all legitimate issues we had. Even if I wasn't bisexual/gay, our sex life was depressing because he was rarely present in it. And he hurt me many times by his rejection, unknowingly. 

Doesn't anyone ever feel like their entire being is calling them, pulling them towards something? This is how I feel towards leaving. 

And yes, I thought my anxiety disorder was a major player here. But I tried meds, and I still wanted out, so I figure not so much.

Staying with him would mean to give up on everything I ever wanted in life, in order to please him and his family. I used to be the sacrificial type to put others needs above my own (which is one of the reasons our relationship worked...he needs anger management). But again, since last year...not so much. I'm stronger now. I don't let him intimidate me anymore. 

And for once in my life, I actually dare to dream. I'm tired of people and family telling me what I can or can't do. I need to be with Me...


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sounds more like a narcissist. It takes a self centered truly awful person to do what she's talking about.


That is unfair. Do you think a couple of threads on this forum can give you the full picture of this situation?


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

It sounds like you are questioning you decision to leave the states. Frankly you are in, especially now, the wrong part of the world to be questioning Islam and your feelings for your husband. The mitigating point is that you have no children so don't make this situation far more difficult by getting pregnant.

Are you in contact with your family? Will they encourage you to come home to clear your head? If your husband truly wants you and what's best for the both of you he will relocate for you. Where you are is unhealthy for you in so many ways.

Stay strong,

Seasalt

P.S. it's likely your sexuality shouldn't be questioned if you have such an attraction for your husband. I'm not a professional by any means, and I haven't read your other thread, but it sounds like you ran away from your life instead of working on it.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just for the record, Maddie... I'm in no way "judging" you.


----------



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

seasalt said:


> It sounds like you are questioning you decision to leave the states. Frankly you are in, especially now, the wrong part of the world to be questioning Islam and your feelings for your husband. The mitigating point is that you have no children so don't make this situation far more difficult by getting pregnant.
> 
> Are you in contact with your family? Will they encourage you to come home to clear your head? If your husband truly wants you and what's best for the both of you he will relocate for you. Where you are is unhealthy for you in so many ways.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your concern. Yes I do not plan on having children, so no worries there. I've already denounced Islam a year ago, just in the closet about it. 

And I'm attracted to my husband emotionally more than I am physically. Since I've realized my attraction towards women, most of the time if we had sex I end up crying afterwards, feeling empty or stopping in the middle of it. 

And yes, the rare times it went smoothly, It puzzled me. It's puzzled me since. 

I have always been bisexual, I knew that. I still think I am. I just say I'm gay now because my attraction for women is 90% versus 10% for men. Those aren't very good odds. 

Do I hope it would change? Yes! Even if we don't work out, and move on, I would prefer to live an easier life and not have to tell my Muslim family...that I'm gay. 

Once again, I'm not asking for help, I'm just venting. I just wanted to be heard. That's all. No one has to reply.


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Your attraction for women is 90% because you want what you can't have. 

It seems that you have made up your mind. So bye from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I read this and I am reminded of how science shows that the human brain isn't fully mature until around the age of 25...

It sounds to me that someone needs some instant ego dissolution, followed by a week of rest to internalize the therapy.


----------

