# When The Woman Initiates



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

When I initiate sex, it seems that a lot of times my husband will just lie there and just enjoy being touched without touching me back, or a quick 5 second rub on the breast and that's it. After a while, like anywhere from 20-40 minutes of me massaging his balls and penis, I usually feel like I'm bored but don't want to leave him hanging with blue balls. I keep thinking - if he touches me I'll get wet then we can have sex - but that doesn't happen, so I reach for the lubricant and straddle him and we have sex, and he comes, and then we're done, and we lie together and it's nice, but nothing for me there.

I used to not feel this way, but now I feel like every time I have to lube myself to have sex, I resent it. Especially since I've never orgasmed from PIV sex it's really for my husband.

Sometimes when I don't initiate, my husband will initiate and within a few seconds that I respond back and start touching him, he'll stop touching me to enjoy being touched himself, and that's it for me being touched.

My question is for the ladies who initiate, do you have to lubricate yourself, or does your husband/boyfriend get you wet?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I refuse to have sex unless my body is ready. 

Problem solved and no I don't need lubricant.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

When my wife initiates, which just started happening just over a week ago, I can't keep from touching her back. 
Sure, it feels great to just lay there and get your balls and penis caressed, but knowing she wants me, makes me want her all that more. I can't keep from touching her back.

You should vocalize to him what you want and not just have a covert contract with yourself.

Tell him to touch you and make you wet!


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

My wife usually has several orgasms before I even think about myself, although her hands never stop either. When she initiates, it doesn't take long before I'm all over her!

He seems to be a little on the selfish side and needs to step up a notch or ten...


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

There are times when my H can be feeling pretty passive and lets me do all the work.....

But I don't resent it, because it's not all the time. If anything, if we have a couple of sessions like that he'll joke that he "owes" me. I think if I had to reach for lubricant, it would bug him.

You need to have a talk with him when you're not having sex


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm not so good at communicating about sexual dissatisfaction. What should I be saying? Would it be just a defeatest attitude, if after 40 minutes of masturbating him with nothing in return, just stopping? Or should I take his hand and guide him to touch me? I've reached for lubricant so many times, he must just think it par for the course.


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## kjvonly (Jan 3, 2013)

You mean there are women out there that actually initiate? :scratchhead: Who knew? :rofl:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sex in our marriage is probably over 90% wife initiated. I learned long, long, LONG ago that a disinterested partner made for lackluster vanilla sex, and I'd really at least prefer French vanilla if it's going to be bland.

Lube is a normal part of our routine. We haven't had sex without it for a quarter century, but that's partly because my wife has no interest in foreplay. Modern pharmacology has provided a convenient solution.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

IG3,

Congrats for initiating. He is not responding? How about stepping up your game one more notch. If he is just laying there and not reciprocating how about straddling his face and telling him to get busy? I think he may want you to be a bit more dominant. Just a hunch.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Sounds a bit selfish to me. I always make sure my wife is taken care of. If she initiates then she'll probably get even better "care" than if I initiate.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IslandGirl3 said:


> When I initiate sex, it seems that a lot of times my husband will just lie there and just enjoy being touched without touching me back, or a quick 5 second rub on the breast and that's it. After a while, like anywhere from 20-40 minutes of me massaging his balls and penis, I usually feel like I'm bored but don't want to leave him hanging with blue balls. I keep thinking - if he touches me I'll get wet then we can have sex - but that doesn't happen, so I reach for the lubricant and straddle him and we have sex, and he comes, and then we're done, and we lie together and it's nice, but nothing for me there.
> 
> I used to not feel this way, but now I feel like every time I have to lube myself to have sex, I resent it. Especially since I've never orgasmed from PIV sex it's really for my husband.
> 
> ...





> *jd08 said*: Sounds a bit selfish to me.


 A BIT selfish....No...this husband sounds VERY selfish ... or is he just clueless.. who could be this clueless!? 

No... you are feeling exactly as you should, any woman would... of course resentment is going to climb....if it didn't under these circumstances....it wouldn't even make sense... Not if you care about your Pleasure and feeling loved & desired. 



> *IslandGirl3 said:* I'm not so good at communicating about sexual dissatisfaction. What should I be saying? Would it be just a defeatest attitude, if after 40 minutes of masturbating him with nothing in return, just stopping? Or should I take his hand and guide him to touch me? I've reached for lubricant so many times, he must just think it par for the course.


Me & my husband didn't open up & talk about sex for 19 yrs....:banghead:....Open it up.... In our case, he was SO gooooood at foreplay, having me slippery primed...... I was ready to BLOW when he entered me... I didn't need to say anything I guess... but Man, I sure would in your [email protected]#$%^& How a woman could even contain that time after time after time ... is mind boggling to me. 

You gotta let him know..... the last thing you want is *resentment* to keep growing. I know the fear is ...you feel stupid, or what if he ignores your advances, or doesn't listen & brushes you off - how awful this would be. But you want to ENJOY making LOVE with your man... You have that RIGHT... that pleasure to look forward too, it's not OK his not taking the time to get you all hot & bothered , bringing you along with his pleasure. It should be building on both sides. 

There is also a 3rd option to open this all up... A good book on foreplay... Pleasure... pleasing each other ....SEX... Oh so many to explore on Amazon.com... at your fingertips...

You could read together - if he is willing ...which he ought to be.... anytime a wife wants to UP her techniques in the bedroom... you'd think he'd want to pay attention to that...but in this... you get to teach him where HE has been missing it ...and badly (but you can hold that to yourself).. the book can do the talking for you... but its an OPENER.......

This sounds a good one ... for you both.....







 Red Hot Touch: A head-to-toe handbook for mind-blowing orgasms 











> Everyone deserves a happy ending, so go on, give ‘em a hand.
> 
> Your hands can play a piano concerto, perform surgery, juggle—and give your partner mind-blowing pleasure.
> 
> ...



 How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know 

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman:

 Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I say move your body to the side of his and just grab his hand and put it where you want it and just go for it and lube yourself up and when he is hard hop on.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There is also a 3rd option to open this all up... A good book on foreplay... Pleasure... pleasing each other ....SEX... Oh so many to explore on Amazon.com... at your fingertips...
> 
> 
> How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I refuse to have sex unless my body is ready.
> 
> Problem solved and no I don't need lubricant.


EXACTLY.

We have a pretty fair mix of who initiates first.But it always goes: initiator touches for a bit,then the other person gets into it and touches the initiator at the same time until we're both ready for other activities


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> I'm not so good at communicating about sexual dissatisfaction. What should I be saying? Would it be just a defeatest attitude, if after 40 minutes of masturbating him with nothing in return, just stopping? Or should I take his hand and guide him to touch me? I've reached for lubricant so many times, he must just think it par for the course.


I never say a word. Sometimes I'll straddle him and use him to make me wet. Other times yes I guide his hand down to touch me if he's taking too long. I do NOT let him enter me until I'm ready. 

And absolutely I'd stop masturbating him if he gave nothing in return. I'm thinking 10-15 minutes. 40 minutes is rediculous.

You've trained this man poorly. Time to UNteach him and you can do it without saying a word. Step one toss the lube.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks Mavash and everybody. I'm learning so much here at TAM. Until I discovered this place a few months ago, and only have myself to bounce my thoughts off of, you don't know which way is up, or right, or selfish, or wrong, or messed up, or normal and OK.

I'll try Mavash's silent approach, and although I don't want this to be a self-fulfilling prophesy, I can see straddling him, using his penis to try and make me wet, which might only slightly make me wet, I'll try to get him in me, and it won't go because I'm still too dry, then I'll roll over and give up. I'm not going to reach for the lube anymore.

I think, in this case, I'll need to move on to plan B - actual communication with words. I'll see how it goes.

Thanks, all.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

My suggestion: after you caress him or go down on him for about 5 minutes, just stop and tell him 'It's your turn now'. If he asks clueless and says what do you mean, say 'It's your turn to touch me and get me aroused'. Don't let him inside you until he has done so sufficiently. 

Also order the book 'She Comes First' (e.g. from Amazon) and give it to him. 

If you cannot orgasm from PIV, I think he should either do oral on you before PIV or one of you should hold a vibrator on you during PIV. Tell him from now on, sex needs to be for both of you and you want to cum before he does. If he cums first accidentally, then insist he manually satisfy you or hold the vibrator before he goes to sleep.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I got the kindle book, 'she comes first' and we're both reading it. The problem is, it is such slooooow reading. PArt 1 is pretty academic with diagrams and definitions. He gave up. I continued on to Part 2, where it gives a play by play, and even gave him the location to jump to, but I think that part started off slow, too, so he gave up on that. He still says he's going to read it.

Kari, I like the dialogue you set up. I think I would feel more comfortable saying something during the actual act rather than another time when it's out of context. I'm thinking of getting a vibrator so I can have an orgasm every time he has one. I can only orgasm from oral sex.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Kari said:


> My suggestion: after you caress him or go down on him for about 5 minutes, just stop and tell him 'It's your turn now'. If he asks clueless and says what do you mean, say 'It's your turn to touch me and get me aroused'. Don't let him inside you until he has done so sufficiently.
> 
> Also order the book 'She Comes First' (e.g. from Amazon) and give it to him.
> 
> If you cannot orgasm from PIV, I think he should either do oral on you before PIV or one of you should hold a vibrator on you during PIV. Tell him from now on, sex needs to be for both of you and you want to cum before he does. If he cums first accidentally, then insist he manually satisfy you or hold the vibrator before he goes to sleep.


Awesome book!


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