# Advice regarding shy men. Help please!!



## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I'm am divorced now, but I joined TAM before we filed and I would like some advice from men.

I met a guy at work, and we've liked each other since we first met. He is very shy and reserved at work, and I thought he was never going to ask me out. He hovered around me and stared and asked questions he already knew the answer to. He shows up when he doesn't have to, blushes, gets kind of nervous, etc. After months of him saying "we should go out and do this or that" but never asking me. I finally gave him my number and weeks later he texted me and asked me out for drinks. We went out and sat and talked for 6 hours. Chemistry, attraction, connection and conversations were amazing. The following week I asked if he'd like to get together that weekend. We did and we had another amazing date. We ended up getting hot and heavy. He then insisted that we stop because "he wants more" and didn't want me to think he's only after sex. I've never hit it off like this with ayone before.

Now here's my problem: months have gone by and he hasn't asked me out again. I still see him at work and he still seems very interested. I've tried to make plans with him a few times, but he has his daughter a lot. I've dropped hints too and told him to let me know when he's free. He just keeps following me around, hovering, blushing, going out of his way to see me at work, etc. I know that he does not date very much, and he's not dating anyone else right now. He's blatantly obvious that he still has these feelings for me, so WHY won't he ask me out again???? Is something wrong with him? Advice please! Any shy guys out there who can help?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Quit hinting and ask him out! He's probably wondering if your interested in him or not. Guys don't take hints well. They need to be told straight forward. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Quit hinting and ask him out! He's probably wondering if your interested in him or not. Guys don't take hints well. They need to be told straight forward. Good luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the reply! I asked him if he wanted to have dinner on New Year's Eve, but he had his daughter. I also told him to let me know if he's free sometime soon and he said, "sounds good". Then weeks go by and he just hovers around me at work. I'm trying to be assertive, but it would be really nice for him to take some initiative as well. More advice or insight into the mind of shy men would really be appreciated!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I don't know?? I've always been kinda shy with the first step but based on your post I'd have been off to the races with you. Is there any possibility that somehow you're sending mixed signals? Doesn't sound like it but for some guys the anxiety of being around a woman they're attracted to makes them oblivious. 

Just strange that y'all would get hot and heavy enough that he'd stop because he says he wants a LTR, then not ask you again, but still keep coming around. Maybe he's worried it went to far on that date and he's not sure what you're reaction would be if he asked??

Two's plus two is not equaling four here...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

goincrazy said:


> More advice or insight into the mind of shy men would really be appreciated!


Think paralysis or being frozen by fear...


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Think paralysis or being frozen by fear...


I agree. Possible his previous experience was so bad he might have trust issues. Perhaps he feels guilt yet from another marriage. Or he might be a social phobic.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I married a shy man, the laid back quiet lonerish type..... but he wasn't quite that shy. 

You say you talked for 6 hours ...any talk about his past relationships -- has he had alot of hurt/rejection with women? He may be plagued with insecurities and can't bare to go down that road again with another.... waiting for you to egg him on....though it sounds like you are letting him know you are interested pretty nicely ! :smthumbup:

If It was me.... (I have always loved the shy ones)..... I would keep talking to him, showing big smiles, allowing him to clearly see & feel you got a thing for him... ... hopefully this will slowly build his confidence in coming forth & putting himself out there.... drop little hints, ask him alot of questions showing interest in his life, even his daughter, build on some of those conversations you had in those 6 hours, anything that intregued you, keep the communication ever flowing. 

I would feel strange asking a guy out, but that is just me. Sounds like he is dragging his feet, I can see how you are getting a little discouraged .....having weeks go by like that. 

Just my opinion, but a true shy man who is interested but insecure will LOVE your attention, every bit you give will slowly open him up, if he has a thing for you, he will eat that up like candy and this WILL build his ego ..... so just be yourself and shower him with attention & enthusiam, showing him who you are ...... some men you need to pull things out of them, my husband is like this.... I am more the master "puller" , and he is the great "responder".

If the "Responding" stops though.... there is a problem... either he doesn't know what he wants, he is hiding something, or he doesn't feel he can step out & do the relationship thing....Yet.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks for the advice everyone. The "responding" definitely doesn't stop. He hovers, waits for me to start talking, and then it's a free flowing conversation. We did hit one speed bump after our second date. After a few weeks had gone by since our date, I let some girlfriends get in my head that he was a jerk for not calling me and not asking me out again yet. It got to me, and I kind of acted differently towards him. I was hurt because I couldn't understand why he wasn't chomping at the bit to see me again. He picked up on those vibes and tucked tail for awhile. 

I started going around him more again with the flirtatious attitude and smiles. He lit right back up again, but I do think it caused a setback. It took so long for me to get him to ask me out the first time that I nearly gave up. I was so frustrated. I gave him my number without him asking for it, and it took him foreeeever to get on the ball. I thought it was because he didn't like me as much as I liked him, but that wasn't true at all. He acts the same way around me now as he did when we first met. I can tell he's still smitten. He also does not take hints very well at all. That's why I asked him if he wanted to have dinner on new years. I felt that I was direct enough that he should know I'm interested, and he should have the balls to at least text me and ask me out.

We have had several awesome conversations at work (before and after our dates, but I only see him once a week). I remembered his daughter's birthday and asked him how it was. We've both discussed our divorces. Mine was amicable, but his was nasty. His ex still takes him to court over their daughter. He's been divorced for five years though. As far as I know, he hasn't been in a relationship since I've known him (over 2 years). He has told me before that it's difficult for him to be around me at work because "it's work". He is a doctor, so he wants to be professional (and I'm sure he doesn't want gossip). Only a couple of close friends at work know that we went out, so he knows I'm not a big talker.

I would have moved on by now, but he had me the first time he talked to me. I told him (on our second date) that I've liked him since I first started working with him. Later in the night he gave me a big hug, put his forehead against mine and said, "ever since I met you." That's what keeps me from giving up.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

He is stalling like a guy who may feel that you are out of his league. It may not only be that you may be more attractive than the women he has dated before, but also the self-assured way you talk to others. You may just have to be honest about your feelings, while still explaining that you are not looking beyond just being with each other sometimes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

goincrazy said:


> We've both discussed our divorces. Mine was amicable, but his was nasty. His ex still takes him to court over their daughter. He's been divorced for five years though. As far as I know, he hasn't been in a relationship since I've known him (over 2 years).


 I bet he was burned so bad he often feels he could never get married again and is wish washy about how he deals with relationships - as to not get hopes too high (his own & yours)... wow , a shy Doctor, who would have thought it. The man has to have some balls to get through medical school...how could he not have confidence. Some things make little sense to me. 



> I would have moved on by now, but he had me the first time he talked to me. I told him (on our second date) that I've liked him since I first started working with him. Later in the night he gave me a big hug, put his forehead against mine and said, "ever since I met you." That's what keeps me from giving up.


 Sometimes just the littlest things , a few words spoken ......are the biggest things. 

I hope it works out for you.... and him. 
.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Halien said:


> You may just have to be honest about your feelings, while still explaining that you are not looking beyond just being with each other sometimes.


It may have to come to that. That will take a lot of courage on my part...it's scary.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I bet he was burned so bad he often feels he could never get married again and is wish washy about how he deals with relationships - as to not get hopes too high (his own & yours)... wow , a shy Doctor, who would have thought it. The man has to have some balls to get through medical school...how could he not have confidence. Some things make little sense to me.
> 
> Sometimes just the littlest things , a few words spoken ......are the biggest things.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for the advice. It's refreshing to hear these points of view. All that most dating websites say is that if he doesn't call then he's not interested, or that he's a player. I know that's not the case, so it's nice to hear other opinions.

He is shy around me, but he is confident in himself as a doctor. Everyone likes him, and he is very friendly. He is good with the patients. I think the shyness is more because of the feelings he has for me. Also, I don't think he's dated much in recent years. 

He definitely seems more comfortable with me approaching him and initiating contact. Before our first date he kept saying we'll have to go out and get some drinks, but he would never say when or ask me out directly. Finally I told him that since he is so busy and has his daughter a lot, that I would feel more comfortable if he let me know when it is a good time for him. Finally he did. I don't mind taking some initiative, but it's hard to not wonder why he doesn't too. I guess he sees his effort as going out of his way to see me and be close to me at work. That must be more in his comfort zone. It's still frustrating.

If I could get a nice moment alone with him at work, I would be very tempted to just walk up to him and kiss him.  Let's cut to the chase, buddy. Lol!


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> wow , a shy Doctor, who would have thought it. The man has to have some balls to get through medical school...how could he not have confidence. Some things make little sense to me.
> .


I can answer that as a shy guy myself. You submerge yourself in work in a way so that you do not have to deal with your shyness. If you are preoccupied in work you do not notice the people so much. Weakness can look like a strength. 

Unfortunately for me I did the same thing with my bad marriage. It is how I coped with the crazy b.s. my wife was doing. When I lost my job everything came crashing down. I then realized I have been letting obvious problems slide.

Sometimes over overachievers have low confidence. They are trying to improve them selves to feel better.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, it's a workplace environment, it's a higher risk of making things awkward when spilling the beans. I've never dated a woman at work myself, I've always been professional, aside from fun-flirting, which I don't consider hitting on.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

He does sound like he's got low confidence, and that he's been badly burned.

The other thing is that you two work together. That can cause all kinds of angst - gossip at work, issues if things don't work out. Don't know if that also plays a factor in his hesitation.

But, if you are dangling the bait, and he's not biting, or you are outright giving him the fish and he's not taking it, then I think you need to find someone else, as it would appear he just isn't ready for anything yet, or he's the kind to perpetually drag his feet about things.

Best wishes.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just another perspective.Have a cousin I grew up with and we hung out with a large group of friends.All the girls thought he was shy and all of us guys knowing him well took to calling him "shy boy" in jest.Through our late teens and early twenties he probably slept with every girl in the group and two of the girls,who were the closest of friends,even became pregnant by him around the same time.What does it all mean? I guess that sometimes people promote a facade to their advantage and there's some credibility to the adage that you have to be careful about the quiet,shy ones.

Hope this isn't too far off point and not meant in critique of doctor.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

We are a very litigious society and if he is a doctor then he is at very high risk for being in trouble for all kinds of scandals, you see this all the time in the media.

Maybe his shyness is simply self preservation, that would be smart.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

He has a D? So is he divorced?

I could see where a divorced doctor who is trying to do the right thing for his daughter would have trouble finding the time for a relationship.

If you really like him - have a little more patience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> He has a D? So is he divorced?
> 
> I could see where a divorced doctor who is trying to do the right thing for his daughter would have trouble finding the time for a relationship.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

i'd say go with this, and try ask him out yourself again.
do you know anything about his past relationship history? then again, it could be that he is worried about asking you things in since you are co-workers.

this topic is very helpful to me. having similar problems myself


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Yes, he is divorced (for 5 years). It was a nasty divorce, and his daughter is 6. He doesn't seem to do the casual serial dating thing, and I get the impression that he is only looking to date someone who he can see himself with in a relationship.

I'm trying to be patient, but I'm starting to lose it. I saw him today, and he was trying to approach me and flirt a little bit, but he had this medical student with him (I guess he was teaching her for the day). She was all over him like glue, and it was making me totally sick. I hate women who act like that, and I don't really know what to do next. I even heard her ask him for his cell phone number. I don't really see her as a threat, and I know he gets this all the time. I don't act that way, and maybe he likes that. I do know that I have to be more assertive though if this is going to go anywhere. 

His birthday is Thursday, and I would love to mention that maybe we could have a birthday drink soon (I won't see him again until next Monday though and I think he has his daughter this weekend). I could text him, but I haven't had much luck with that. I want tell him that we can have a drink for his birthday if he ever decides to call me again, but that may sound a little harsh. Ugh! I hate this. I very rarely meet a man who I'm attracted to, and we hit it off better than I ever could have imagined. This is torture.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Get a calendar call him and say which of these days and what time are you free there has to be a day and a time so just nail him down? then tell him its a date[no playing around].

When you see him next time just grab him hand say you missed him and give him a big old lip lock,tell him you have been thinking about that since the last time you saw him and through the night keep holding hands with him and lip locking when you have a chance. Just go for it next time you have a chance what the heck life is passing.


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## PaGuy (Feb 1, 2012)

Just ask him to do something... Maybe he is afraid of rejection ?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Seems more like something is holding him back....

Understand that it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of will power for a guy to be going hot and heavy making out and be able to stop himself. 

Also consider that we are less emotionally motivated and that the pain of rejection likely won't be enough to stop a man from...continuing with the fun.

You know him better than any of us...but my spidey senses would go off.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Seems more like something is holding him back....
> 
> Understand that it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of will power for a guy to be going hot and heavy making out and be able to stop himself.
> 
> ...


What do you mean your spidey senses would go off? It's bad that he thought we should stop? He said that he didn't want me to think that he's only after sex.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

He's in a tough spot, where he really likes you, but he wants to be a professional. He did cross it already, which I'm sure he enjoyed himself but the thought of it getting out, is holding him back. They do say, don't **** where you eat. Right now, his daughter is a priority and he's got to protect that at all costs.


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