# My story



## red oak

Edit: I divorced first wife over 15yrs ago.
Been with my wife, now, for 15yrs.

Since I have been here a while I will share some of my story.

I was classic Mr. nice guy and fell for the bait hook line and sinker.

Had a wife for about 18yrs who I believe had issues from her childhood. At heart she was a good person but had many, many issues. Insecurity being one, which no amount of confidence building seemed to help. 

Everything turned into a constant battle of wills. Where we lived, where we ate, who was going to cook, clean. 

I was the sole provider who at times early on worked 18-20hr days, and since her idea of everything was "supposed to be 50/50" I should take over all house duties when I was home. Which I didn't, which led to conflict I wasn't doing my part. LOL

Around year 9 I asked her to get a job to help out and She absolutely refused to get a job until 10yrs in when I had grown tired of being nice, and left her no choice, by separating finances, and told her if she wanted her pops, cigs, gas or any other little luxuries she had to work, as I would pay the bills, and provide real food on the table and that was all. 

She used sex as a weapon from early on.

Never knew when she would blow her stack from a simple hug.

She cheated, Her attitude was it wasn't no big deal if she did it. But I was a low life sob if I did, even if we were separated. So I got to where I didn't care if I stepped out discretely. 

She once had asked me 2 weeks in a row if we could go out. I came home early one friday and told here to get a baby sitter we would go out. After asking me the day before if we could go out, 4 miles from the house she changed her mind and didn't want to. Wasn't sick, she just didn't want to. She started getting nasty about it.
By then I had learned not to play the games so I took her home, since I had already gotten dressed I went out by myself as not to fall into her little game.

I had left several times but returned because I wanted my kids to have a stable home, and I let myself feel sorry for her. Hindsight being 20/20 staying was the wrong decision.

When the kids were out of the house, and she didn't want to travel with me for work, and instead simply work part-time and stay home I was done!! It took almost 2 years to get her to sign divorce papers.

18 years of struggle was exhausting. 

9 months into the marriage she tried to slap me. I surprised her by catching her hand and told her she didn't want to go there. 5 years in she sucker punched me during a disagreement.
Nothing after that until I told her i wanted a divorce years later.

Edit: One could say I have been through the marital gauntlet, and did my best to learn from my mistakes.

I guess it was 2 1/2 yrs in I realized our issues weren't a result of things I was a wasn't doing.

She actually came home about 5 yrs in after attending a womens church conference on relationship and marriage. squalling like a baby and begging me to forgive her as she realized she had been a terrible wife and treated me like ****. It only lasted a few months though before she was back to the same old same old.

I know I'm not really new but figured I would properly give a little of my story.


----------



## bikermehound

hi move on its probably the best thing you could do 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


----------



## red oak

bikermehound said:


> hi move on its probably the best thing you could do
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


Thanks for helping me realize I didn't clarify I did over 15yrs ago.


----------



## Marc878

Be glad your rid of this nightmare. You are correct you should have dumped her ass early on.

You can't fix people. Hopefully you've learned that lesson.

If it were me I'd put in a very hard no contact policy. Your kids are grown there is no reason for any contact.

You will find no other woman wants an X in the mix in any way.


----------



## red oak

Marc878 said:


> Be glad your rid of this nightmare. You are correct you should have dumped her ass early on.
> 
> You can't fix people. Hopefully you've learned that lesson.
> 
> If it were me I'd put in a very hard no contact policy. Your kids are grown there is no reason for any contact.
> 
> You will find no other woman wants an X in the mix in any way.


My ex passed 2 yrs ago I think. 
I learned many.
Been happily with my wife now for 15yrs.

About 7 years ago my ex got my number somehow, called me while she was drunk, and wanted me to bring her some cigarettes. 

Tried manipulating me, she was going to drive if I wouldn't bring them to her, and if she had a wreck because she was drunk and killed herself it would be my fault.
Needless to say it didn't work on me, and phone conversation didn't last long.


----------



## Chuck71

Red Oak.....you traveled a rough road. When did her true nature become apparent? 

My guess is right after the kids came along.


----------



## red oak

Chuck71 said:


> Red Oak.....you traveled a rough road. When did her true nature become apparent?
> 
> My guess is right after the kids came along.


Actually, just shortly after the wedding. Really came in force after our first was born though.

Looking back I was an imbecile.


----------



## red oak

If I had the power, such as when I once had evidence I was going to use for a divorce, the power struggle went away and we could have normal conversations on subjects and work them out.

After a year of holding on to the evidence and deciding she had changed I trashed it. It didn't quite go back as bad as it was, but it still went downhill when I no longer had it.

You shouldn't have to have something to hold over someones head to get them to act and treat you right.

After I got rid of it I remember one time she had been trying to provoke me, into an argument in front of some of our friends, hoping they might side with her, because I was trying a vegan diet at the time, and she didn't like me doing it for some reason. 
She got mad because I wouldn't engage her in a fight over it.
Knowing her like I did, when I turned to walk away, i was hyper alert and heard her feet move on the gravel, and a swish. She had thrown a rock at my head. She had good aim would have busted my head good if I hadn't moved, and caught it. Fact I caught it, dropped it, and walked away ended her little tantrum.

About a week later is when she punched me. Don't remember what that was over though.


----------



## Chuck71

red oak said:


> Actually, just shortly after the wedding. Really came in force after our first was born though.
> 
> Looking back I was an imbecile.


Once you're M.....that's one hook in you

1st kid, another hook, 2 kids....another. That is how women like her think.

Watcha gonna do, D her? SAHM....alimony, child support.....you'd be signing your check over to 

her in all honesty. For each hook, they unleash stages of crazy. And she knew you didn't want 

to break up a family, kids suffer. Demented people like her have that crap planned out.....

well in advance of the "I do's."


----------



## Chuck71

red oak said:


> If I had the power, such as when I once had evidence I was going to use for a divorce, the power struggle went away and we could have normal conversations on subjects and work them out.
> 
> After a year of holding on to the evidence and deciding she had changed I trashed it. It didn't quite go back as bad as it was, but it still went downhill when I no longer had it.
> 
> You shouldn't have to have something to hold over someones head to get them to act and treat you right.
> 
> After I got rid of it I remember one time she had been trying to provoke me, into an argument in front of some of our friends, hoping they might side with her, because I was trying a vegan diet at the time, and she didn't like me doing it for some reason.
> She got mad because I wouldn't engage her in a fight over it.
> Knowing her like I did, when I turned to walk away, i was hyper alert and heard her feet move on the gravel, and a swish. She had thrown a rock at my head. She had good aim would have busted my head good if I hadn't moved, and caught it. Fact I caught it, dropped it, and walked away ended her little tantrum.
> 
> About a week later is when she punched me. Don't remember what that was over though.


"Dear guests I would wish to inform you that my W has a technique where she throws a tantrum

and spins out when I ignore her and walk away." If someone acts as a 6 y/o, by God treat them as one.


----------



## anchorwatch

red oak said:


> My ex passed 2 yrs ago I think.
> I learned many.
> *Been happily with my wife now for 15yrs.*
> 
> About 7 years ago my ex got my number somehow, called me while she was drunk, and wanted me to bring her some cigarettes.
> 
> Tried manipulating me, she was going to drive if I wouldn't bring them to her, and if she had a wreck because she was drunk and killed herself it would be my fault.
> Needless to say it didn't work on me, and phone conversation didn't last long.


A young man trying to do what right by everyone but himself. 

You awakened. 

When we know better, we do better. 

Good for you!

Best


----------



## red oak

anchorwatch said:


> *A young man trying to do what right by everyone but himself.
> 
> You awakened. *
> 
> When we know better, we do better.
> 
> Good for you!
> 
> Best


Yes I did. 

Where I made my mistake was giving so many chances. 
With every chance I gave it became set in her mind I would never follow through.

When I made up my mind I was through, and told her I wanted a divorce she didn't take it seriously. 
Telling me it was all bull****. Stupid, I was wrong for doing it to her etc. Offered her a good settlement, even though I didn't have to. Which she later refused all of it. Saying she didn't deserve it.

When I started seeing someone it made her fight that much harder. 
All the chances I had given her set a precedent in her mind if she would only fight hard enough, long enough, I would once again change my mind.

It even got to the point of her trying to beat on me, and get me to do something to hurt her so she would have something to hold over me. I had to hold her off until I could get away.
My XW tried to say I was shoving her around, One of her sisters was a witness and called my X out on her lies. Being: I was trying to get away from my X, and she was chasing me literally ripping clothes off my back, and hurt herself in the process.

I can understand anyone wanting to give some one a chance, but don't keep doing it for years as it only makes it harder in the end.

Another subconscious reason I gave so many chances was fear she would attempt suicide, possibly succeeding, and i would be blamed. 

I was never really sure if she would be one of those who would attempt suicide, and make sure she was found in time, or actually succeed. Then they didn't have the laws on emergency mental detention orders.

After we were divorced she got a boyfriend. They had a knock down drag out fight and he kicked her out. She wound up in the hospital from an overdose attempting suicide. I was called because I was still on the hospitals computer for an emergency contact.

Believe it or not, even though the hospital notified the authorities, they didn't detain her as long as she promised not to try it again.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

Garbage like this is why no sane man should ever get married. Do antyhing remotely like this you are in handcuffs. She could get away with it and since she didnt work when you divorced I am guessing you took it in the shorts financially.


----------



## anchorwatch

You can't blame yourself for her actions. Whole people don't act in such ways. 

Torched souls leave a wake of destruction behind them. Professional help is inadequate at treatments, much less identifying those that need it. Their lay partners have no chance. 

You did what you could with what you had. 

Somethings are just inevitable.

Glad you came out the other end and could join the community. 


Best


----------



## Decorum

red oak said:


> Believe it or not, even though the hospital notified the authorities, they didn't detain her as long as she promised not to try it again.


Red Oak, if you don't mind my asking, how did she pass?

If you would rather not say, I completely understand.


----------



## red oak

Decorum said:


> Red Oak, if you don't mind my asking, how did she pass?
> 
> If you would rather not say, I completely understand.


It was years after her suicide attempts. They said a massive heart attack.


----------



## Decorum

red oak said:


> It was years after her suicide attempts. They said a massive heart attack.


Thanks, the way you first said it I assumed it was some kind of natural death, or the result of illness, but with the talk of suicide I was not sure.

I am glad you are doing well.

It's funny I have a sense of calm on your thread, maybe it's the oak trees and hound dog persona, ha ha.


----------



## Chuck71

red oak said:


> Yes I did.
> 
> Where I made my mistake was giving so many chances.
> With every chance I gave it became set in her mind I would never follow through.
> 
> When I made up my mind I was through, and told her I wanted a divorce she didn't take it seriously.
> Telling me it was all bull****. Stupid, I was wrong for doing it to her etc. Offered her a good settlement, even though I didn't have to. Which she later refused all of it. Saying she didn't deserve it.
> 
> When I started seeing someone it made her fight that much harder.
> All the chances I had given her set a precedent in her mind if she would only fight hard enough, long enough, I would once again change my mind.
> 
> It even got to the point of her trying to beat on me, and get me to do something to hurt her so she would have something to hold over me. I had to hold her off until I could get away.
> My XW tried to say I was shoving her around, One of her sisters was a witness and called my X out on her lies. Being: I was trying to get away from my X, and she was chasing me literally ripping clothes off my back, and hurt herself in the process.
> 
> I can understand anyone wanting to give some one a chance, but don't keep doing it for years as it only makes it harder in the end.
> 
> Another subconscious reason I gave so many chances was fear she would attempt suicide, possibly succeeding, and i would be blamed.
> 
> I was never really sure if she would be one of those who would attempt suicide, and make sure she was found in time, or actually succeed. Then they didn't have the laws on emergency mental detention orders.
> 
> After we were divorced she got a boyfriend. They had a knock down drag out fight and he kicked her out. She wound up in the hospital from an overdose attempting suicide. I was called because I was still on the hospitals computer for an emergency contact.
> 
> Believe it or not, even though the hospital notified the authorities, they didn't detain her as long as she promised not to try it again.


Those actions are typical of spouses like her. My XW would send out a reach about every 

6-9 months. Course she never accept responsibility for most of her actions. Never knew if she was seeing

anyone after DDay but her wanting to walk out on 15 years was enough for me. Dropped D papers

on her.

Of all people, my mother tried to scare me with a suicide attempt. She was a great mom for

40+ years. Dementia signs showed a couple years before her heart attack. After the triple by-pass,

she had two mini strokes. Those two did most of the damage. She called me one night threatening

to swallow a bunch of pills she had...if I didn't come over. I was not going to feed into her BS....

I called 911. Damn she was mad as hell. But by then I had already set strong boundaries with her.

It was 100x harder to do than to my XW. But I knew I left everything on the field....no apologies.


----------

