# Orgasms: Why cant my man tell the difference between fake and real?



## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

OK, so IM going from my own experience here. Ive faked all my married life I take full responsibility for it. My trust in men was broken in my childhood, and I dont know how to trust my husband in that department. Im reaching 40 now, and its like my body is taking over and finally wants to share an orgasm with my husband...YAY!!:smthumbup:

BUT!...here is the dilemma

My hubby cums very, very quickley. and once he's done...thats it. Ive tried to talk with him in a positive understanding way...he isnt overweight, generally fit ....and he apologises and always promises to last longer next time. He says that all the time...and now im wondering what to do next.

How hasnt he picked up on me faking all these years? I know when I have an orgasm my vagina contracts quickley four or five time in succession and Ive never done this with H. 

Well....I hope thats what an orgasm is:rofl:Im kinda new to them...had my first solo and first ever at age 32...and it was an accidental one. Id been sleeping and awoke to it. 

To say I was amazed and relieved is an understatement, because I truley thought I was broken in that department due to sexual molestation throughout my childhood.

Im just getting started as he is finishing...and its damn frustrating!!! What do I do TAM??


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

your husband needs to take some advice from joey jay(sexgodplueprint) and learn some techniques that will make him last much longer, google and have a look at his video, it is not porn at all, and his motive is to help men who just dont know how to control their bodies when making love, and how to give their partners orgasms, is worth watching


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

awesome thank you. Im off to Google!!...only problem is...how do I ask him to look at it? Oh LOOK what I accidentally found?


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

best advice learn this yourself and then slowly teach him by suggestion, is not hard and it really works, i think after all techniques are practised for a few weeks the bedroom will be both of your favouite place


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

He needs to be doing some clitoral stimulation and learn how to multitask a little.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

Do guys know fake from real? Or do they assume they know? Do guys just go from the sounds you make? The movie ''When Harry met Sally'' always comes to my mind.


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

this depends on if the guy is focused on you or himself, if he is focused on you you wont be able to fake it, if you can then he is focused on his parts, maybe the reason women fake it is to give the man some self esteem in the bedroom, but then it is hard to actually address the problem of him not knowing how to love you the way you need to be.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Maybe he just trusts his wife. Takes what you tell him face value. You fake it, and he believes you. 

Also, he's only going to be able to tell you're faking if he's genuinely brought a woman to orgasm before. Otherwise, what is there to compare it to?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would start off by telling him now that your older your sex drive has kicked into overdrive. and you have actually masterbated for the first time. and your amazed at how it feels and you would like him to give you some extra forplay and expirment with different kinds of stimulation. 

you could say my orgasms are much stronger with manual stimulation than straight sex. make it fun and exciting ask him to show you how he masterbates and you show him how you like to masterbate.

be open about it and enjoy.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

OMG. . .whatever you do, don't have him watch a porn.

Porn is evil, evil, evil.

(sorry. . .had to get my editorial in there )

Seriously, does he ever watch a porn? Does he see that the "hero" of the story lasts for like at least 30 minutes in the "heroine?"

Now. . .that of course is unrealistic and SHOULD be unnecessary but I venture to say any discerning guy who's watched a vanilla porn should be able to deduce:

"Hey, I guess I have to last longer than 90 seconds, that it's not just my seed that makes her satisfied."

Except on a Sat. a.m. at 6 a.m. . .then 90 seconds is fine


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Auzzie ~

Perhaps your husband has never experienced having a woman really orgasm, so he assumes that what you are doing is it. Or perhaps he is too self-centered to take the time to care about finding out about yours - or he's too self-conscious because he ejaculates prematurely.

The best thing would be to do some extended foreplay with your husband, where you can help show him how to stimulate you properly. Believe me, if you have an O while he watches, or you have an O while he is inside of you, he should be able to to tell - not just from the sounds, grimacing, and muscles clenching, but he should be able to feel the contractions if he's inside too - at least my H can. 

If he refuses to do more foreplay, then start to take matters in to your own hands - literally. During intercourse, stimulate yourself. Or try a position, such as spooning with him entering from rear, where you can grab his hand and guide him on how to stimulate you.

Best wishes.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Auzzie ~
> 
> Perhaps your husband has never experienced having a woman really orgasm, so he assumes that what you are doing is it. Or perhaps he is too self-centered to take the time to care about finding out about yours - or he's too self-conscious because he ejaculates prematurely.
> 
> ...


Self centered? Refuses foreplay? Self consious?

Where did you read that?

She is lying to him and telling him that she is having orgasms. Why would he change up something he thinks is making her happy. Thinks it, because thats what she shows and tells him.

Auzzie-The first thing you need to do is be honest. Nothing will change until you take responsibility for your own pleasure. 

Then you can help him understand what you need.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

I always tell women, you're an idiot for faking because you're only short changing yourself. Why should the guy feel bad if he thinks he's wowing her? People I tell you, smh. Anyway, don't tell him you've been faking all these years, that'll just ruin everything. What you do is be honest from now on, just say you need more time to get yours. Do you do the faking when you know he's about to get off or well before? Either way, stop it. I faked an O once (condom+I take forever), it was to make the cramps from an hour of pounding go away, but when she found out, it destroyed her, and that was ONCE. So watch the approach and maybe you may need to learn how get yours sonner as well.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I would think the first thing you need to tell him is that all these years you've been faking it. He thinks he's been doing the right things all this time so why should he change now. Once he's aware that he hasn't ever given you an orgasm then you can work with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

cruiser said:


> I would think the first thing you need to tell him is that all these years you've been faking it. He thinks he's been doing the right things all this time so why should he change now. Once he's aware that he hasn't ever given you an orgasm then you can work with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, that and he'll think you're a liar and start to wonder what else you've lied to him about for years. Because if you'll lie about something this simple, then...you know it ends. Just don't fake anymore, and if he finishes, just say you weren't done and that you need more time, and build on that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You say you take responsibility for it, but you're blaming him for not knowing the difference between real and fake orgasms? Sorry, does not compute...

Every woman is different. Some women are obvious, like squirting across the room obvious. Some, like my GF, are obvious sometimes, but much more subtle others. I'd like to say I could always tell if she was faking, but I suspect if she wanted to, she could fake me out. And some women are much more subtle all the time.

Personally, I'm not sure if coming clean with him now is the best solution, or just working with him to gradually teach him what you need. I'd lean towards teaching him gradually, and not telling him you've been faking for your entire sexual relationship. Unless, of course, you want to start dealing with ED issues too..,

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"How hasnt he picked up on me faking all these years?" Really? That is _*his*_ failing?

Lets talk about the nature and extent of your fakery before we begin to entertain his inability to 'pick up on it'.

Why should he? Would you feel better if he just assumes you are simply performing theatrics for nobodys benefit?

I understand your frustration m'lady.. but this is *totally*, 100% on you. If I may be so bold.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> The only time I ever fake is when I am not in the mood but I still want to seem into it for my H. Period.
> 
> 1. Stop faking immediately. This will make him realize he needs to make a change.
> 2. Tell him that you were faking, and tell him why. Tell him that you honestly thought you couldn't have one due to your past and that you have now started experiencing them. I am sure he will be understanding. Probably.
> 3. Tell him that you want to start experimenting with foreplay and tell him that you want him to last longer because you are feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. Make him wear a condom if he has to, or get some of that numbing gel.


Ok, this may sound terrible, but i'm on a roll today, but this is the best and worst advice rolled into one.
#1 is spot on. #2 Bad idea, this is an emotional type of approach and will not be received well. It is riddled with deceit. You will still be a liar, and will be questioned to death. #3Frustrated and unsatisfied? Really? That will go well. Leading with the foreplay is a good idea, just don't come off as a whiner, that'll just complicate things and make them awkward.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Can't tell or don't care?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Auzzie said:


> OK, so IM going from my own experience here. Ive faked all my married life I take full responsibility for it. My trust in men was broken in my childhood, and I dont know how to trust my husband in that department. Im reaching 40 now, and its like my body is taking over and finally wants to share an orgasm with my husband...YAY!!:smthumbup:
> 
> BUT!...here is the dilemma
> 
> My hubby cums very, very quickley. and once he's done...thats it. Ive tried to talk with him in a positive understanding way...he isnt overweight, generally fit ....and he apologises and always promises to last longer next time. He says that all the time...and now im wondering what to do next.


But why would he need to, if he believes that this gives you an orgasm? You may be telling him you want him to last longer, but he figures it is not a big deal because he does not know why you need it longer.



> How hasnt he picked up on me faking all these years? I know when I have an orgasm my vagina contracts quickley four or five time in succession and Ive never done this with H.


You need to keep repeating the following to yourself:

MY HUSBAND IS NOT A MIND-READER

Woman orgasm in different ways. In fact, the same woman can orgasm in different ways. My wife has different ones, and sometimes it is difficult to tell if I am not paying close attention. To wonder why your husband cannot tell is unfair.



> Well....I hope thats what an orgasm is:rofl:Im kinda new to them...had my first solo and first ever at age 32...and it was an accidental one. Id been sleeping and awoke to it.
> 
> To say I was amazed and relieved is an understatement, because I truley thought I was broken in that department due to sexual molestation throughout my childhood.
> 
> Im just getting started as he is finishing...and its damn frustrating!!! What do I do TAM??


That is on you. He thinks everything is fine (because frankly you have lied to him for so long telling him it is fine). You will need to tread carefully, as others have noted. I suspect that pointing out that your hormones have changed, creating more interest and different needs is the way to go. Also noting that in your self-experimenting, you have found things that really work for you, different than what the two of you have been doing, and that you want to try them together. You are not explicitly lying, which is important (though it is technically a lie by omission, I think that is the better choice). You also need to stop faking it.

Also, does your husband know about the molestation?


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> But why would he need to, if he believes that this gives you an orgasm? You may be telling him you want him to last longer, but he figures it is not a big deal because he does not know why you need it longer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Good advice. I was trying to figure out a proper approach to the discussion. you nailed it.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Yeah, that and he'll think you're a liar and start to wonder what else you've lied to him about for years. Because if you'll lie about something this simple, then...you know it ends. Just don't fake anymore, and if he finishes, just say you weren't done and that you need more time, and build on that.


I'm not saying that finding out my wife was lying about her pleasure in bed our entire marriage wouldn't be devastating. However if she's been faking the whole time he probably thinks she has an O ever time they have sex.

How does she even approach him with what she actually needs in bed without owning up to her past or laying more lies on him. I for one have no problem with sex requests from my wife, but from my POV if all these years I've been awesome in bed and she's saying she needs x,y and z to O then I'm going be like whats up with what I've been doing.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Auzzie said:


> How hasnt he picked up on me faking all these years?


Given you've said that you ONLY ever faked for your whole marriage, in order for him to 'pick up on it' would imply he thinks your lying ... and have been for your whole marriage.

So your husband probably TRUSTS you, and that's why he hasn't picked up on it.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I guess I don't understand how that will still make her a liar. She said she didn't think she could have them due to prior sexual abuse. If her H knows about the abuse I am sure he would understand that she thought she couldn't have them. I am sure everyone will have differing opinions on whether or not she should tell him. Ultimately she is the only one who knows her husband and knows how he will take it. So I will agree that #2 could go either way.
> 
> #3 comes from personal experience. She, like myself, has told him "will you try and last longer" already. How many times does a man need to be told? How frustrated would you feel if your wife had her orgasm right before you were about to finish and then just stopped? I am pretty sure you would be a fairly unhappy camper. I *finally told my H, "Listen, it pisses me off when I almost get there only for you to finish prematurely." *Thankfully he has worked out (not sure how) his issues and we both leave the bed satisfied. I girl has got to do what a girl has got to do, and I wanted to stop feeling resentful about sex.


I don't know why, but I would be turned on and go to town on it if it were that explicit.

As for #2, if she had told him from the onset that she couldn't O due to the abuse, then of course he would understand. The lie is from saying "despite the abuse, I can still O because you're amazing and everything you do makes me forget that horrible past." See how that could lead to trouble? And for #3 I am always close when my wife O's, then we stop because I have to really focus to get there, so I know how it is. However, the way you said it first seemed more like whining. that's all. All she has to say is that she wants to try something different.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

cruiser said:


> I'm not saying that finding out my wife was lying about her pleasure in bed our entire marriage wouldn't be devastating. However if she's been faking the whole time he probably thinks she has an O ever time they have sex.
> 
> How does she even approach him with what she actually needs in bed without owning up to her past or laying more lies on him. I for one have no problem with sex requests from my wife, but from my POV if all these years I've been awesome in bed and she's saying she needs x,y and z to O then I'm going be like whats up with what I've been doing.


If my woman says hey, let's switch it up a bit. That's all it takes, I won't question where it's coming from, i'll just be like "ooooh different" and roll with it. Doesn't even have to be a long discussion.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I guess I don't understand how that will still make her a liar. She said she didn't think she could have them due to prior sexual abuse. If her H knows about the abuse I am sure he would understand that she thought she couldn't have them. I am sure everyone will have differing opinions on whether or not she should tell him. Ultimately she is the only one who knows her husband and knows how he will take it. So I will agree that #2 could go either way.


The problem is that telling the truth does not undo the lie. She was still a liar, and he will now have doubts. I agree she needs to stop lying, just noting that suddenly telling the truth will not make everything better.



> #3 comes from personal experience. She, like myself, has told him "will you try and last longer" already. How many times does a man need to be told? How frustrated would you feel if your wife had her orgasm right before you were about to finish and then just stopped? I am pretty sure you would be a fairly unhappy camper. I finally told my H, "Listen, it pisses me off when I almost get there only for you to finish prematurely." Thankfully he has worked out (not sure how) his issues and we both leave the bed satisfied. I girl has got to do what a girl has got to do, and I wanted to stop feeling resentful about sex.


I suspect that had you been telling your husband you were having orgasms while also asking him to last longer, you would not have been as successful, becuase the reason behind your request would have been hidden from him. I don't see how the OP can blame her husband for her frustration, when up until now she has been telling him that he is getting the job done (or at best, has sent mixed signals).

She does need to communicate, and I think the changes she mentions are a good opening to get him to do things to help her orgasm.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

OKi Dokie...let me clear a few misconceptions being drawn gere..either through myself not explaining enough...or whatever.

My husband has known Ive not orgasmed with him. He knows I was molested...I told him within weeks of starting our journey together. I do enjoy sex with my H and can get a little vocal, because it feels wonderful...and that sets him off. He has always been a premature ejaculator...we have tried to talk about it, whereby he promises to try harder next time...but unfortunately...it hasnt happened yet. 

I wont pressure him over it as Ive hear that makes it worse...and I dont want to do that to him ever or make him feel crappy. He has known for many years I havent orgasmed with him....and I dont think it matters to him to be honest. He is a great man who has had very little sexual past...and perhaps as has been mentioned hasnt ever bought a woman to orgasm....I dont know...its not something I chat to him about...and frankly talking about past sexual partners isnt our cup of tea. 

We had sex this morning with me being the inititator, which is a first in a very long time, we started out great...but ended not so great. I tried to be clear as possible about what I wanted him to do, and he seemd happy to follow my lead. I was starting to relax and let my mind just relax as well....and Id open by eyes to see him looking at the wall...I didnt know why...and that ended it for me. My body shut down and I mentally gave up. He said afterwards he thought I was going to fall asleep! I said...I was finally relaxing...LOL.

I do think Im to blame as I dont know how to orgasm with a man full stop. I havent ever been brough to orgasm by my past sexual partners. I do have trust issues deep down obviousley. 

I would give anything to be normal.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Auzzie said:


> OKi Dokie...let me clear a few misconceptions being drawn gere..either through myself not explaining enough...or whatever.
> 
> My husband has known Ive not orgasmed with him. He knows I was molested...I told him within weeks of starting our journey together. I do enjoy sex with my H and can get a little vocal, because it feels wonderful...and that sets him off. He has always been a premature ejaculator...we have tried to talk about it, whereby he promises to try harder next time...but unfortunately...it hasnt happened yet.
> 
> ...


you sound mormal to me.

I'm the same way it takes me awhile to orgasm and if I notice her looking disinterested then it just dosn't happen.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

First of all, my wife has never faked one and I can sure tell when she has one!! Second of all in the rare times that I go before she does (it is usually the other way around) I will give her oral so she can be fulfilled (I LOVE giving her oral). Thirdly, your husband cannot accomplish this by "trying harder". He must learn how to control his ejaculation. Google it. There is great information about how he can train his body to last.

Now for you, you need to spend some time getting to know your body. By masturbation you can learn how to orgasm. Does he do oral on you? He should learn how. He could bring you to orgasm first then he could have his. The other thing is to find a position that gives you clitoral stimulation either by contact with the base of his penis or your/his finger or a vibrator. My wife must have clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. She has never had a problem however (unlike you) and she had orgasms when we were dating at 16 (we have been married 39 years).

IM me if you want and maybe I can give you some more help.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I find this sort of sad on both ends  
Why would you fake it since you are really hurting yourself, too. For your guy, he needs to learn some self-control and if he`s unwilling then the woman has got an issue there. True control for man takes time to learn like the poster above said, he`s right on with that. But society and today`s young are much too impulsive, really, no surprise to me that they are that way.

For me, I know when my woman comes because, in spite of how hard she tries to control her convulsions (unlike the modern tendency, she is bashful), i feel the tightening that nearly unroots my member. And she contracts for about 5 min after.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Auzzie said:


> OKi Dokie...let me clear a few misconceptions being drawn gere..either through myself not explaining enough...or whatever.
> 
> My husband has known Ive not orgasmed with him. He knows I was molested...I told him within weeks of starting our journey together. I do enjoy sex with my H and can get a little vocal, because it feels wonderful...and that sets him off. He has always been a premature ejaculator...we have tried to talk about it, whereby he promises to try harder next time...but unfortunately...it hasnt happened yet.
> 
> ...


I don't think you should put yourself down, Auzzie. It sounds like you've come such a long way. I don't think you are abnormal at all. You are to be admired for trying, especially in light of your past history. Just consider this event as one of the many bumps along the road of life.

So, your H has premature ejaculation, and that makes it harder for both of you. What if your H was looking at the wall trying to concentrate on not ejaculating too soon?

Take the experience for what it was, and don't let it fester resentments in you. Evaluate what you could have done differently, or how you could have articulated things differently. And resolve to yoursel to try again.

Next time - yes, let there be a next time - initiate again. Tell him that you really would like to work on your sexual relationship together so that you both can get more out of it.

Try and spend more time on foreplay for you - trying to show him how you may like to be touched and just experiment with it. If you have an orgasm, great! If not, don't let it get you down. It takes time, patience, and practice. See if you can get to the point where you orgasm first, or if he will take care of you after if he can't hold on that long.

You talked about embarking on a journey with your H when you got married. This is all part of it. Keep moving forward, because even little by little, you will be able to look back and see how very far you've come. And don't let one setback hold you back.

“_If my ship sails from sight, it doesn't mean my journey ends, it simply means the river bends.” ~ John Enoch Powell _ 

Best wishes.


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## jekyllnhyde (Jan 28, 2012)

Now, I've been around the block a few times, and I think I know how to please a woman. I just wish I could figure out how to please my wife, but that's another story.

I always thought most women who faked it, did so to let their man know she wanted him to get it over with so she could go to sleep....LOL


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

If you fake an orgasm, your man thinks he's doing fine... hence... no need to change... DONT FAKE ORGASM!!!!!!!!!!!!1


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

so you fake it then you're angry he can't tell the difference?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Auzzie said:


> Do guys know fake from real? Or do they assume they know? Do guys just go from the sounds you make? The movie ''When Harry met Sally'' always comes to my mind.


I`ve known women who couldn`t tell when a man was faking it.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

you're just not shouting loud enough


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Just a note that not every woman has those pelvic contractions at orgasm (at least not consistently).

My ex used to on occassion, until we had kids. Then, blammo, never another detectable contraction. It's one thing for you to have them, quite another for us men to feel them, I suppose. I think it had to do with her not bothering with those strengthening exercises that are recommended after childbirth.

I had to rely on other signs to know the moment had happened, which I only learned by close observation. If I was relying on the spasms as my clue, I never would have known if she was having them or not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's a GREAT Roger Sterling joke in there.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Make him wear a condom if he has to, or get some of that *numbing gel.*


numb **** inside of condom :smthumbup: :lol:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Auzzie said:


> ...and Id open by eyes to see him looking at the wall...I didnt know why...and that ended it for me. My body shut down and I mentally gave up. He said afterwards he thought I was going to fall asleep! I said...I was finally relaxing...LOL.



Men play mind games to help them last longer this could be what he was doing since he suffers from PE.

If I`m getting close and my wife has gotten off yet I`ll distract myself a bit from what I`m doing.
I`ll think about yesterdays football scores, recite a recipe in my head...whatever.

I know, I know..it doesn`t sound right but if I want her to get off & I`m so close, looking at her beneath me is going to send me over the edge pretty quick.

His "looking at the wall" might have been him concentrating on NOT getting off.

Just an idea.

There`s a very fun movie on Netflix called "Just Sex" that illustrates what I`m saying pretty well.

In the first sex scene the movie broadcasts the thoughts of the two lovers during their ONS and the guy is doing everything he can to hang on by reciting a recipe in his head.
It`s pretty funny.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

Well...its been a while since Ive posted and I did take a lot away from this thread. In both questioning my honesty in the bedroom and in his efforts. I have to say im pretty despodant 

He and I have been ok in talking about about our sexual needs. His PE is something that bothers me a great deal, but I dont let him feel bad about it ever...ever. Im supportive and gentle. But after 18+ years of it....im getting really down about it. We have tried it all...toys/fantasies/counselling/tecnique...on and on it seems to go. Ive now mentally given up...my body doesnt even get going anymore. I still love him dearly and think he is an amazing man...but this PE seems to be a wall we cant get through. I'll be sticking to my vibrator to get me through I guess.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Lying to your partner is an excellent way to assure your needs will never be met by HIM.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

My husband knows when I do.He actually makes jokes when we have sex about how many muscle spasms I will have this time...he counts them 

We do play with a clitoral toy so if he is done before me I continue and he still counts but he does so my placing his finger inside me one way or the other till I go.

I know its sounds silly and corney but its kinda fun.

I recommend girls having a toy though.I find that even if we do not use it I am more relaxed during sex knowing that its there so that if he finishes before me I can too.Allows me to have more fun!!


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