# Ironic Trend # 3



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

So not really ironic but it's become a trend in itself for me...just read a great post from Woundedwarrior on what he wished he had learned sooner and the obvious but often ignored piece was that 'the marriage comes first, before kids, job, etc.' I would add the word 'Friends'. In many posts but for sure if you go to dating sites, look at how many people do have in their bio ' love to spend time with my friends'....question: isn't the point of marriage to be each other's best friends in addition to the rest and of course this does not mean no other friends but given a scenario where you would need to pick one or the other wouldn't you pick your spouse? Do the younger generations in particular feel 'exposed' without an entourage surrounding them at all times?

The bio's read like a laundry list of other priorities to me. I assume that you have friends but if you want a relationship I expect to come first, not 2nd-3rd-4th-5th in your priority list...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It is interesting that there are conflicting types of advice about friends in marriage.

The NMMNG line of thinking would tell men that they must keep friendships with other males in order to not be completely feminized by married life. 

For myself and my husband, I feel that friendships with others is very important. It keeps us from being too focused on just each other, it helps us be focused on ourselves and our own interests, and it keeps us balanced.

Neither of us have what would be considered "toxic" friends.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> It is interesting that there are conflicting types of advice about friends in marriage.
> 
> The NMMNG line of thinking would tell men that they must keep friendships with other males in order to not be completely feminized by married life.
> 
> ...


Yep, there is some conflicting advice out there Faithful. Question, if you were going to go out this Friday not with your friends to just have dinner and catch up and your husband is a-ok with it but then had a terrible day Friday and asked if it would be ok to stay with him instead - how would you feel about that request and what would you do? (and of course assuming he doesn't make this request all the time) Second question, every weekend a group of mutual friends wants to get together to hang, bbq, let the kids play etc....your SO is burned out by the week and because he has to deal with people all day long during the week would rather not go - feelings or thoughts on this scenario?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Online-dating profiles frequently use some reference to enjoying "spending time with friends" or something similar as a sort of shorthand for "I'm not a friendless loner". It just means the person has a social life, friends they enjoy, and likes to get out of their house every once in a while to spend time with others. I'm not sure why that seems to indicate to you that they prioritize their friends over their relationships. Obviously, if they're on a dating site, they don't currently have a relationship to prioritize. I'm not sure it would be at all less weird if they indicated they're leaving their top priority spot vacant for that special someone they haven't met yet. Honestly, would "I have no friends so that my schedule will be wide open for my new partner" seem in any way _not_ clingy and/or creepy?

Married couples should certainly prioritize their partner over their friends. But I don't think that means that either needs to only have one another as a friend. I think it's healthy to have non-toxic people, who aren't your spouse, to do things with from time to time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

McDean said:


> Question, if you were going to go out this Friday not with your friends to just have dinner and catch up and your husband is a-ok with it but then had a terrible day Friday and asked if it would be ok to stay with him instead - how would you feel about that request and what would you do? (and of course assuming he doesn't make this request all the time) Second question, every weekend a group of mutual friends wants to get together to hang, bbq, let the kids play etc....your SO is burned out by the week and because he has to deal with people all day long during the week would rather not go - feelings or thoughts on this scenario?


I would stay with him over going out with friends for any reason.

However, this has never happened that he has asked me to stay home. There are a couple of times I stayed home just because it was too nice and cozy in bed to leave. And a few other times that he was sick and did not ask me to stay but I did anyway, to care for him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I generally laugh when I read, "loves spending time with friends." Who doesn't? And if you don't, you probably wouldn't admit it. "Total loner, prefers sorting laundry to happy hour."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I generally laugh when I read, "loves spending time with friends." Who doesn't? *And if you don't, you probably wouldn't admit it. "Total loner, prefers sorting laundry to happy hour**."*


"Friendless and sad. Spend most of my time playing video games alone in the dark of my mom's basement. With my cats. All 36 of my cats."

Personally, I never mention anything about 'love hanging out with friends' or whatever. Like you said, that's kind of a given, or should be. But I don't analyze it as a priority issue when guys say it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I also see someone who loves spending time with friends as an extrovert or at least a social introvert. I do like going out with others on occasion and I love to entertain at home. So spending time with friends demonstrates a certain level of compatibility in the social segment.

However, I would certainly put a partner first and would expect my friends to understand if I cancelled once in a while. Same thing would be said for other family members who might need me. Also there would be times I would assume he wouldn't want to come along to 'girly' events (not craft shows but holiday decor, home decor shows, etc.) so continuing ot invest time and energy into friendships is important. 

Plus, one day we'll die. I would want my partner to have the support of friends if I go first and vice versa if he does. Seeing Dad pass away and fortunate that Mom has friendships made me see the importance of friends.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Funny stuff - let me add, 'I'm on this dating site because my past relationships failed when I couldn't keep a job due to my video game addiction. Whey I tell you I like hanging with my friends please understand they are all virtual, so I never have to leave the couch....looking for someone who likes to cozy up on the couch' lol....

Nope, it's not that I assume they will pick friends over SO's (although that did happen to me back in the Spring) it's that everyone makes a point to point it out...just funny to me, if I end up posting on a dating site I might have to do a social experiment and say something like "Looking for someone with few if any friends, family is long distance so as to not interfere with our budding relationship'


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