# Unbelievably Confused!



## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

Hi all, it's been a long time since I have been on here. 
First I want to start with I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section. 
My situation by far has become complicated and I'm very confused.
Last year my husband and I were separated, to the point where there was attorneys involved. Well, that didn't happen because we decided to try and make it work again. We've been together for almost 9 years and we have 2 children together, plus he has another child from a previous relationship that I feel is just like my own.
My husband and I have always had ups and down, constantly really. Recently, I had a coworker text me and it was inappropriate. Stupid me flirted back, which yes I know is stupid and wrong and I should have never done it. My husband saw the text messages and was angry with me, which I don't blame him. Well, a few days after that I come home early from work a catch him with another woman in our home. He claims he did it because he was angry. But this isn't the first time he has done something inappropriate. What gets me is he was basically begging me to come home early, it was almost as if he wanted to get caught...
I'm unbelievably hurt, I'm angry...I have so many emotions running through me because of this. 
I already had trust issues because of what had happened previously, I feel as though things like this have been going on throughout our marriage. He's the type of person who needs physical affection to feel loved. I'm the total opposite. 
I can't help but feel it's just time to throw the towel in, I don't think I can EVER trust him again. I do love him and he claims he does love me. 
We've discussed a lot of things since this has happened. He's agreed to finally go and see a counselor (childhood issues/alcohol). I'm going to go and see someone as well. 
I truly feel the best thing for us to do is separate physically. I
m seriously considering moving out, while we both go and talk to someone and figure out if this is what I want. 
How can someone move past finding their spouse cheating? 
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place and at times I just can't think straight, I'm on the verge of having an anxiety attack.
I'm not sure what I am looking for on here, maybe someone who has been in a similar situation, maybe some advice on how to process this, how can you tell your making a good decision, etc.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If I had walked in on my H with another woman, I would end the marriage. I'm certain of that. There are some infidelities that I suspect I might be able to work through (or at least try to), but not what you are describing.

You also have a very volatile relationship in general. You two aren't good for one another. You hurt him; he hurts you more.

I would call it a day if I were you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask him why he felt entitled to do this to the mother of his children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

"Angry" is not suitable explanation for "stupid".
Where did he hustle up a instant hussy from anyway? And in your joint home, knowing things were difficult between you.

People flirt. Its fun. just no EA or more. all part of positive vibes for people around us.
Getting angry is not good, get over it dude! Running out and getting a hussy? wtf. WTF was _she_ thinking to take part is this mess.

I doubt he's going to get better about things if he's that immature and uptight/revenge-y and that easily set off. Assuming you don't regularly or frequently flirt with that person (and that they're not an ex ... if so then you're the trouble maker and should know better).

but yeah, doubt this situation is going to get better


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This man has no respect for you.

My marriage ended several years ago because I could not get over/forgive my then husband for soliciting sex online, and eventually placing ads on Craigslist and hooking up with a total stranger he never even saw a picture of (and that's the only "for sure" one I know about). We tried to work it out for over a year and a half, separations on and off, 2 or 3 different counselors. He was really impatient with me for not "getting over it" and eventually acted out on Easter Sunday 2010, placed another ad on Craigslist to "get my attention" (he said) It was so disrespectful, I ended the marriage on the spot. 

Fast forward 3 1/2 years and I stupidly took him back, believing all his lies about how he'd changed, he respected me now, he knew he was so awful to me, blah blah blah. The disrespect and disdain started, literally, the day I moved into the home we bought together (dumb, dumb, dumb). Our reconciliation lasted less than a year because he cheated on me with the woman he was with (and married to) during our time apart. I can see now that he has NEVER respected me and NEVER will. I don't think he respects any women at all, although I think he can manage to be nicer to other women than to me, the mother of his children.

A man who respects you would not invite another woman into your home and plan it so that you will catch them in the act. And, he probably never will. I suggest you get away from this man and start repairing your self esteem and realize you're worthy of respect.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Lilies12 said:


> Recently, I had a coworker text me and it was inappropriate. Stupid me flirted back, which yes I know is stupid and wrong and I should have never done it. My husband saw the text messages and was angry with me, which I don't blame him. Well, a few days after that I come home early from work a catch him with another woman in our home. He claims he did it because he was angry. But this isn't the first time he has done something inappropriate. What gets me is he was basically begging me to come home early, it was almost as if he wanted to get caught...


Maybe you nailed it right there.

He may be emotionally immature because it sure looks like he's playing tit for tat. Sauce for the goose, as it were. If so it would appear he over-reacted and upped the ante too much.

Not a good game to play.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
How would you classify your H's personality? Is he conscientious and thoughtful or more irresponsible and impetuous? I can almost guarantee it is the latter and if I am correct then you will have a difficult time indeed regaining trust since his behavior is unlikely to change. For him to change he needs the former traits for without them change is impossible. It requires a level of intellectual development that he may not possess.

In that case, if you wish to remain in the marriage, then you will have to accept that fact and adjust your personality to tolerate his. This is doable but not without significant sacrifice on your part. However, if you can be mostly happy then it would be worth but only you can decide that.

The reason I feel so confident about his traits is because anyone with the former traits I mentioned would not be behaving the way he is. Good fortune to you.


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## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

The hussy is a coworker of his, from my understanding he was going to her and discussing our marriage while we were separated last year. She is divorced, pretty sure she had been planning something all along. Or something could have been going on and I just didn't realize it. 
SecondTime'Round thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry you went through all of that. I think your right about him not respecting me. Someone who could do that to me can't respect me. 
NoChoice, I don't think he is going to change at this point in his life, I'm encouraging him to go and talk to someone so he can be a better dad. I don't think my trust can be gained back, I've built up a wall at this point and I'm the type of person who can start to shut down. 
Thank you everyone for your comments


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

If it is as you say, and he wanted to get caught, it may have nothing to do with respect.

syhoybenden may have it right, and it is a "how do you like them apples?" kind of play.

Stupid? Immature? yes!

Disrespectful? not necessarily!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, how old are you and your husband? You mentioned that he wanted you to come home early. Yes, he wanted you to catch him in the act. See an attorney to protect your rights. 

Don't play around, going to and fro, in this marriage. As one poster pointed out: you two are not good for each other. This time, he flaunted his affair in your face. Sorry you are here.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why did the separation occur????? 

How inappropriate were the text betwren you and posom?

If my wife was sending sexual texts with coworker we would have serious issues. As I would see that as infidelity. Ho


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

I read your posts and your husband is never going to change.

He is not good dor just like you are not good for him.

Why are you afraid of the Divorce ? I think you would be ok financially and who knows maybe you can find a righ man for you next time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He wants you to pull the plug on the marriage?

It's like those cowards who wave an unloaded gun at police officers in the hope that they get "death by cop?"


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## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> OP, how old are you and your husband? You mentioned that he wanted you to come home early. Yes, he wanted you to catch him in the act. See an attorney to protect your rights.
> 
> Don't play around, going to and fro, in this marriage. As one poster pointed out: you two are not good for each other. This time, he flaunted his affair in your face. Sorry you are here.


I'm 29 he's 33. 
As the other person mentioned, I don't think we are good together. I believe we are both good people just not good together.....I think we've begun to bring the worst out in each other. 
I'm sorry I am here too, it's are to accept a failing marriage, after 9 years of building a life together.


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## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why did the separation occur?????
> 
> How inappropriate were the text betwren you and posom?
> 
> If my wife was sending sexual texts with coworker we would have serious issues. As I would see that as infidelity. Ho


The first separation occurred because of trust issues from his first inappropriate actions. I have trust issues, I trusted him up until I found out about what happened; I couldn't bring myself to let go. I finally did and wanted to make it work because I do love him.
The coworker became very inappropriate and I told him to stop, he began to mention sexual things, I did not. I sent things such as "Thanks (with a winky face), etc, nothing sexual. Just being a little flirty, I know I shouldn't have done it but I did and now I am living with it.


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## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> I read your posts and your husband is never going to change.
> 
> ...


At this point I don't think anything is going to change; we do nothing but argue. I'm afraid of divorce because I don't want my kids to come from a broken home. I understand that it is better for them to come from 2 happy homes instead of 1 miserable one, but it's hard to except. I also never wanted to be part of a statistic, but it looks like I am going too. I've seen a lot of family and friends come from divorced families and it gets messy, the kids get put into the middle and is really hard on the kids. I just didn't want that for my boy's. I'm sure eventually I might date again but right now it's the farthest thing from my mind.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lillies, I think your WH is using this texting as an excuse, his response is totally disproportionate to what you did. He is totally out of line.

I would suggest you tell him to stop contact with this OW, he must also get another job so he will not see her.
Tell family and friends about her to shame him into taking action to make things right.
Does she have a H or bf?
He sounds very immature tbh.
Tell him you want to have MC and if it doesn't work out you want a divorce.
he may be prepared to grow up if divorce is staring him in the face.


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## Christina777 (Nov 13, 2014)

My advice first is take one day at a time don't make any permanent decisions until things cool off. A separation might be good to show him there is a consequence for his actions. I haven't been thought this but my two close friends have. One said you either have to forgive totally or divorce. Because it's not going to work without forgiveness. She's still with her husband and it turned out Achohol was a factor. My second friend was totally devastated always trusted her husband. And was going to divorce but she has two small children who think the world of there dad. And I know the guy he is a good dad a provider a handyman always doing and fixing things he looks like Chandler Parsins from the Dallas mavs . But I guess somd crazy girl kept coming on to him and he gave in. So anyways my friend forgave him and gave him a second chance but made it clear to him that if it happened again She was gone. And they are doing good today they went to take Christmas photos. And many may not understand but GOd healed there marriage. Many prayers by the grandparents And by close friends.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through :-( He wanted you to come home and catch him in the act and you're not sure what to do? Pull your big girl panties up and do what anyone with respect for themselves and their children would do. Your husband took "playing games" to a whole new level to hurt you in the worst possible way. He's already done and it seems like he was already having an emotional affair or more, long before you did something silly. Kick his butt out and hand him over to the woman he ruined your marriage for.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

It is better to divorce then to grow up in broken marriage.

I grow up in "that" marriage and finally my parents divorced,but it was an ugly one. I never wish it to anyone.
My sister still have some problems and she is 18 years old. I think it is going to be a hard for her.
Also I come from big family,so everyone is hurt.

Better be happy for 5-10 years then suffer for 30.


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