# Am I crazy?



## ScubaSkyDiver (Jun 8, 2015)

Here is my situation. I am married and I've had issues with my wife keeping her word. We would both agree to things like we would not masterbate, watch porn things like that. I would keep up my end of the deal but I would catch my wife doing these things and she always makes it sound like it's not a big deal. This has gone on to include many things like us agreeing not to delete text messages or FB messages and to keep our accounts open to the other so we can be open and honest. I have done all of these things but I have caught her also deleting her messages. When I confronted her she says She just likes to keep it clean even though we had an agreement. Then it gets worse. She cheated on me and I found out and confronted her. She lied at first but then admitted it. I tried to forgive her and she agreed to have zero contact with him and delete him off FB. Then I discovered she did not delete it, and confronted her. She again said she would. Then I found she would unblock him, talk to him and delete his messages. I confronted her again and again she promises to not do it again. then I recently discovered that she unblocked him again, and I confronted her. She says she decided it was ok because it is her choice not to talk to him so he doesn't need to be blocked. We got in a huge fight. I don't feel like I can trust her at all. Then to make it the worst while at my daughters graduation ceremony (not her daughter, previous marriage) I found her texting him again. I confronted her and she says he was just checking in on her. But she promised to have zero contact. She tells me I am wrong and none of this is a big deal. Any I crazy to think that when you tell someone you are going to or not do something, that is what you do and not to have all of these exceptions!? Am I crazy? Please help!!!!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

why would you try to trust someone who lies to you at every turn? You are not crazy, you are in self perseveration mode.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear this.

Your wife's behaviour suggests that she doesn't respect you or your marriage. 

I wouldn't go on like this, having contact with a former affair partner is cruel. 

Do you want to continue in this marriage?


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## ScubaSkyDiver (Jun 8, 2015)

She keeps telling me she isn't doing anything wrong and it's no big deal and I am overwhelming her with all of my expectations. I just want her to do what she says no matter what it is. I feel that when I give her my word or agree to do something I need to do it, and if I don't agree at some point we should discuss it and not just stop doing what I agreed to do or not do. She will just later on decide the agreement no longer applies then change or not do what we agreed to and I have to confront her. It's starting to make me feel like I am crazy. She says I am a control freak with all of these expectations. I just want her to do what she says....


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

We don't know how many expectations you have of your wife so we can't really judge that. Perhaps some of them are unreasonable. 

What is definitely not unreasonable however is expecting her not to have contact with her affair partner. 

Cutting him out of her life completely is the very least that she should do for you to prove that she is serious about your marriage. 

If she is trying to convince you that expecting her to cut him off is unreasonable, then she is being very manipulative and unfair.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Why should she stop eating cake? It's yummy. 

You tell her not to but keep handing her a fork.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your not holding up your end. If you put things on the line and she breaks her word then you have to follow through. Clearly she wants this other guy and your just plan B. 

I know I put up with to much with my xW. I will never do that again. Once is enough for me. I wouldn't tell her anything. I would file and start planning my separation. 

Clay


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Unfortunately her actions are telling you who and what she is....don't listen to the words....follow the actions.


Good luck.


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## ScubaSkyDiver (Jun 8, 2015)

As far as expectations goes. This is what I have. She told me that she didn't want me using terms of endearment when talking to others on FB or text (suger, lover, sexy, gorgeous) stuff like that and that she would not either. I don't do that. She does. She told me what she didn't want me to meet up with female friends for lunch of other things because that was not right. I don't, she did. These were girls that were good family friends that I have known for years. She asked me to stop talking to a close female friend because she thought the girl was attracted to me. I assured her that was not the case and she had nothing to worry about, but was was all upset so I ended the friendship. (see what I said above about her ex). In addition to that she lies to be about many things. She was slurring her speech the other day on the phone and I could tell she had been drinking (this is another issue). I asked her if she was and she became very upset with me saying who am I accusing her of things. Then when I came home I discovered she had in fact been drinking and the rest of the bottle we had started the night before was done. I mean this list really goes on and on. Does this mean she just doesn't value me or does the need help? I love her and if she needs help I want to get it for her not leave her but it's driving me nuts. I worry all the time about where she is and show she is with. She has lied to me about those things too.





Somanylemons said:


> We don't know how many expectations you have of your wife so we can't really judge that. Perhaps some of them are unreasonable.
> 
> What is definitely not unreasonable however is expecting her not to have contact with her affair partner.
> 
> ...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> Does this mean she just doesn't value me or does she need help?


Both



ScubaSkyDiver said:


> I love her and if she needs help I want to get it for her not leave her but it's driving me nuts.


You can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. 

She's spitting it in your face.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> Here is my situation. I am married and I've had issues with my wife keeping her word. We would both agree to things like we would not masterbate, watch porn things like that. I would keep up my end of the deal but I would catch my wife doing these things and she always makes it sound like it's not a big deal. This has gone on to include many things like us agreeing not to delete text messages or FB messages and to keep our accounts open to the other so we can be open and honest. I have done all of these things but I have caught her also deleting her messages. When I confronted her she says She just likes to keep it clean even though we had an agreement. Then it gets worse. She cheated on me and I found out and confronted her. She lied at first but then admitted it. I tried to forgive her and she agreed to have zero contact with him and delete him off FB. Then I discovered she did not delete it, and confronted her. She again said she would. Then I found she would unblock him, talk to him and delete his messages. I confronted her again and again she promises to not do it again. then I recently discovered that she unblocked him again, and I confronted her. She says she decided it was ok because it is her choice not to talk to him so he doesn't need to be blocked. We got in a huge fight. I don't feel like I can trust her at all. Then to make it the worst while at my daughters graduation ceremony (not her daughter, previous marriage) I found her texting him again. I confronted her and she says he was just checking in on her. But she promised to have zero contact. She tells me I am wrong and none of this is a big deal. Any I crazy to think that when you tell someone you are going to or not do something, that is what you do and not to have all of these exceptions!? Am I crazy? Please help!!!!


Your W has lied repeatedly. Never mind the texting other guy, watching porn and deleting text. You let her off the hook time and time again. Where is the consequences for her lies and less than stellar choices as of late?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

> She cheated on me and I found out and confronted her. She lied at first but then admitted it.


Define this.

And help me understand why you're posting here instead of talking to a lawyer.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> She keeps telling me she isn't doing anything wrong and it's no big deal and I am overwhelming her with all of my expectations. I just want her to do what she says no matter what it is. I feel that when I give her my word or agree to do something I need to do it, and if I don't agree at some point we should discuss it and not just stop doing what I agreed to do or not do. She will just later on decide the agreement no longer applies then change or not do what we agreed to and I have to confront her. It's starting to make me feel like I am crazy. She says I am a control freak with all of these expectations. I just want her to do what she says....


Being open with all accounts, social media and honest is not a control freak. It is quite normal in a lot of relationships. 

She will not do what she says because it is interrupting her, what appears, to be connection with OM.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> As far as expectations goes. This is what I have. She told me that she didn't want me using terms of endearment when talking to others on FB or text (suger, lover, sexy, gorgeous) stuff like that and that she would not either. I don't do that. She does. She told me what she didn't want me to meet up with female friends for lunch of other things because that was not right. I don't, she did. These were girls that were good family friends that I have known for years. She asked me to stop talking to a close female friend because she thought the girl was attracted to me. I assured her that was not the case and she had nothing to worry about, but was was all upset so I ended the friendship. (see what I said above about her ex). In addition to that she lies to be about many things. She was slurring her speech the other day on the phone and I could tell she had been drinking (this is another issue). I asked her if she was and she became very upset with me saying who am I accusing her of things. Then when I came home I discovered she had in fact been drinking and the rest of the bottle we had started the night before was done. I mean this list really goes on and on. Does this mean she just doesn't value me or does the need help? I love her and if she needs help I want to get it for her not leave her but it's driving me nuts. I worry all the time about where she is and show she is with. She has lied to me about those things too.


And your W calls you a control freak? :|

Sir, you're W is up to something. It does not appear good. It would be a good time to check up on her activities.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> And your W calls you a control freak? :|
> 
> Sir, you're W is up to something. It does not appear good. It would be a good time to check up on her activities.


Sounds like her "rules" and accusations are projections.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

She is behaving exactly as you have taught her. She makes an agreement with you, breaks it, lies to you, gets caught....then you do nothing.

If you don't mean what you say and follow through, neither will she. 

Have you even told her the consequence for lying and remaining in contact with her affair partner? If you did....did you follow through?

You only put up with what you want to out up with. When you are ready for it to stop, you'll stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScubaSkyDiver (Jun 8, 2015)

I guess I was hoping she would stop her ways. She has promised me so many times to be honest and keep her word but this seems to be a never ending battle. I keeping hoping she will snap out of it, but apparently that isn't ever going to happen. 




zillard said:


> Why should she stop eating cake? It's yummy.
> 
> You tell her not to but keep handing her a fork.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> I guess I was hoping she would stop her ways. She has promised me so many times to be honest and keep her word but this seems to be a never ending battle. I keeping hoping she will snap out of it, but apparently that isn't ever going to happen.


The capt of the Titanic was hoping to make the Atlantic crossing in under a week.

Consequence sir. Pack her bags, expose the affairs if you have not already and start the D process. Consequences.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I went through this with an ex boyfriend, and it IS crazy-making. Her actions are proving WHO is more important to her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> I guess I was hoping she would stop her ways. She has promised me so many times to be honest and keep her word but this seems to be a never ending battle. I keeping hoping she will snap out of it, but apparently that isn't ever going to happen.


Try to think of cheating as an addiction (addiction to the validation, attention, etc). Some addicts do snap out of it, but it rarely happens before they hit rock bottom. 

If they have enablers in their lives who will put up with it, they never reach that bottom and don't wake up, as they have no huge ugly reason to.

They'll lie, cheat, steal - whatever is necessary to get the fix.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your only crazy in that your willing to put up with her shenanigans, her deceit, her betrayals, and lies....she is rug sweeping everything and taking no ownership and some how the only thing that seem to bother you the most is that she is not living up to her promises...you have bigger problems then her living up to the no masturbating rule.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what you do.

You pick up the phone, and make an appointment with your lawyer. You do what he tells you what to do.

Here's how to decide this is what to do:

You realize that you've agreed not to touch yourself or put your eyeballs wherever you want, while she gets to have sex with other guys.

Which is a pretty ****ty place to put yourself.

Because that's where you're at.

Phone. 

Lawyer. 

Today.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Give her a reason to take you seriously. 

*obviously without violence or verbal abuse - cool, firm, dispassionate


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

zillard said:


> Why should she stop eating cake? It's yummy.
> 
> You tell her not to but keep handing her a fork.


Zillard, this is exactly what I was going to write....great minds and all that'!:grin2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ScubaSkyDiver said:


> I guess I was hoping she would stop her ways.


Why should she? You make it so easy for her to continue.


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## MaryJane90 (May 24, 2015)

Listen, you are a victim here and it seems as though you want to be. You're married to a liar and a cheater. You know these things. She clearly has no intentions of changing or respecting you whatsoever. You can choose to continue living like that or get out and enjoy the life you have left with people who love and respect you.


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