# Can't sleep after sex



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.

Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Yes. 

But not consistently. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

When it's no, it's because she still has something on her mind (not related to our relationship, just the other aspects of life, kids, her extended family, her social group, financial decisions, etc). Sometimes the sex is just a temporary respite from life and as soon as the afterglow dims, all those pesky thoughts come back in. 

If she sleeps immediately, and well, afterwords, it's because her mind was already at peace beforehand. 

Does your wife tend to overthink things or dwell on external influences?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Have sex at 3am. Might as well if you are up...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ambien.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@uhtred I'm confused. I think you have said that she no longer has sex with you, she just gives you a hand job? 

What happens with her body during "sex"? I assume you get her off by oral or toys?

Is this the sex she cannot sleep well after?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Try melantonin.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

uhtred said:


> One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.
> 
> Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?


Have sex in the morning.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> @uhtred I'm confused. I think you have said that she no longer has sex with you, she just gives you a hand job?
> 
> What happens with her body during "sex"? I assume you get her off by oral or toys?
> 
> Is this the sex she cannot sleep well after?


I was about to respond as well, but thanks for pointing this out FW as it changes my viewpoint...

Perhaps this is an instance where it is more about "anxiety" and not really about sex.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.
> 
> Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?


*I have not slept well at all since my 2011 separation and subsequent divorce from my RSXW! But during my marriage to her, I absolutely slept like a baby, more especially after sex!

And since I've been in a celibate state ever since, I don't really have anything to weigh that against!*


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes. She just gives me HJs - except as I mentioned in another thread, she gave me a BJ last weekend - to my complete surprise - she normally hates that. 

In general though I use toys / vibrators / oral / fingers - whatever she feels like at the time. She almost always has an O, occasionally 2. They are usually pretty intense, and the more intense they are, the more difficulty she has sleeping. 

Whats odd though is that she sleeps OK early in the night, but wakes up later. 







Faithful Wife said:


> @uhtred I'm confused. I think you have said that she no longer has sex with you, she just gives you a hand job?
> 
> What happens with her body during "sex"? I assume you get her off by oral or toys?
> 
> Is this the sex she cannot sleep well after?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She does tend to stress a lot about things - even very minor things. She doesn't say so, but maybe she is over-thinking after sex? 



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Yes.
> 
> But not consistently. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

We already get up at 6am to get to work. I'd be happy to wake up earlier for sex, but I'm sure she wouldn't. She knows she is welcome to wake me for sex anytime she wants, but has never done so. 



urf said:


> Have sex in the morning.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I guess I should have asked if this inability to sleep a general phenomenon or is it_only _after sex. 

Maybe she's actually getting wound up, but not satisfied?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Ambien.


Cognac. Remy Martin preferably.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

For probably the past 2 years or so my wife has a "hard time sleeping" after sex. She'll almost immediately get up and go out and watch tv. She really seems to enjoy sex at the time so leaving is just an odd thing to do considering she always goes to bed by 8:30 or 9:00. I've asked her numerous times why she keeps doing this and she says it's because she's wide awake. Once in a while, as a way of experimenting, before she could get up I'd say I'm going to go watch tv. She's never said anything like "I'm awake too. I'll go with you". She stays in bed and is asleep 15 minutes later. This tells me that she isn't really wide awake but has regrets or resentments that she doesn't want to bring up. Her way of dealing with it is to be away from me. In my opinion it's just another sign of a dysfunctional marriage. I'm pretty much done with it and have begun detaching from her.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Have sex at 3am. Might as well if you are up...


Damn you Herschel! You beat me to it!

@uhtred 
I'm a guy, and I have this problem. What I've found is that I'm quite rested afterwards. As thought I slept plenty. Does your wife feel this way?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No, she feels like she hasn't slept. Has trouble working the next day. 



Kivlor said:


> Damn you Herschel! You beat me to it!
> 
> 
> @uhtred
> I'm a guy, and I have this problem. What I've found is that I'm quite rested afterwards. As thought I slept plenty. Does your wife feel this way?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She sleeps poorly in general, but especially badly after sex.

She might not be getting satisfied - but she seems, to, and claims to, and I'm happy to to anything at all she wants. If she's been faking for 30 years, I'm not sure what to suggest. 



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I guess I should have asked if this inability to sleep a general phenomenon or is it_only _after sex.
> 
> Maybe she's actually getting wound up, but not satisfied?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.
> 
> Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?





uhtred said:


> She does tend to stress a lot about things - even very minor things. She doesn't say so, but maybe she is over-thinking after sex?


My wife can be the same and has made similar comments.

What I have told my wife and seems to work for us, it that any time she has a problem getting to sleep, she should wake me and ask me to rub her back. I have told her that if her having sex with me causes her sleeping problems I want to be part of her solution. 

My wife has a stressful job and if she wakes up will start worrying about it. She needs to better learn how to clear her head of thoughts to go back to sleep. In the absense of that a soothing (non-sexual) backrub seems to allow her to drift off back to sleep pretty quickly.

Your mileage may vary. Good luck.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

It sounds like just another excuse, this stuff is all in the mind and can be controlled if people truly want it to be.

I am usually wide awake after night time sex while MrH is asleep in under a minute, bless him. I love love love the sound of him falling into a deep sleep for some odd reason it makes me feel at peace. So I lie there touching him or holding his hand, listen to him and then drift off peacefully. 

It is a decision, let things be used as an excuse or go with the flow and find a solution.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It IS another excuse, but even more so than most ,there is some real truth behind it. 



MrsHolland said:


> It sounds like just another excuse, this stuff is all in the mind and can be controlled if people truly want it to be.
> 
> I am usually wide awake after night time sex while MrH is asleep in under a minute, bless him. I love love love the sound of him falling into a deep sleep for some odd reason it makes me feel at peace. So I lie there touching him or holding his hand, listen to him and then drift off peacefully.
> 
> It is a decision, let things be used as an excuse or go with the flow and find a solution.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

After I have an orgasm, I feel like I have been shot from a catapult, I have so much energy.

Don't know if that helps or not. 

[I'm female]


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

my wife seems to have this as well. She can't sleep after sex and is wide awake.

So we have to avoid later in the evening. And in the morning because she will hurt all day.

And avoid any night before she has to work the next day. 

and any time that the earth is spinning. (she has not used the last one yet)

Good luck.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

It's 2am, we just finished. And I'm wide awake as usual, she's passed out. >


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

It usually takes me a couple hours to fall asleep after sex...

My wife, depends on the night, but she usually falls asleep quickly.

Neither of us ever sleep through the night though. Both of us have neurological issues that wake us up several times a night. Sex doesn't seem to make a difference.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

notmyrealname4 said:


> After I have an orgasm, I feel like I have been shot from a catapult, I have so much energy.
> 
> Don't know if that helps or not.
> 
> [I'm female]


This is me too! I am somewhat hyper after, full of energy. Don't know why - but it happens every time. An excuse? Yes, I suppose you could say it's my excuse for not wanting night time sex. But I prefer the word reason instead of excuse.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Not me. I sleep like a baby. I'm totally satisfied and relaxed after sex. I do tend to change the sheets and shower afterwards though. My stupid sister told me I'm not normal for cleaning my self and the bed afterwards. My response was that I felt more fresh and ready for wake up sex that way.:wink2:


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> Not me. I sleep like a baby. I'm totally satisfied and relaxed after sex. I do tend to change the sheets and shower afterwards though. My stupid sister told me I'm not normal for cleaning my self and the bed afterwards. My response was that I felt more fresh and ready for wake up sex that way.:wink2:


Wow my wife is not this way. After sex and orgasms she holds me tight and she's asleep soon after ... usually with her head on my chest. And I go to sleep with my hand in her hair. We both sleep like babies. There's nothing more wonderful as this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting. My wife feels sleepy right after, but there is a sort of delayed effect like you describe. How long does that last for you?



mary35 said:


> This is me too! I am somewhat hyper after, full of energy. Don't know why - but it happens every time. An excuse? Yes, I suppose you could say it's my excuse for not wanting night time sex. But I prefer the word reason instead of excuse.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> Wow my wife is not this way. After sex and orgasms she holds me tight and she's asleep soon after ... usually with her head on my chest. And I go to sleep with my hand in her hair. We both sleep like babies. There's nothing more wonderful as this.


Yeah that's what she says. She basks in the glow of after sex sleep. That's why I called her stupid. I can't sleep hugging anyone or too close to anybody, but I can once I wake up though.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> Yeah that's what she says. She basks in the glow of after sex sleep. That's why I called her stupid. I can't sleep hugging anyone or too close to anybody, but I can once I wake up though.


Why would you call her stupid? (Masters from Vanderbilt... she's anything but stupid). She just likes sex and she likes to hold me afterwards. If that's stupid I'm just proud to say we're happy dimwits.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> Why would you call her stupid? (Masters from Vanderbilt... she's anything but stupid). She just likes sex and she likes to hold me afterwards. If that's stupid I'm just proud to say we're happy dimwits.


Not your wife, I called MY sister stupid. 

She is LD though. Hates sex and thinks of it as a chore. She insists the few times she does have sex with her hubby, she sleeps all tangled up with him. 

I'm HD, but once I'm done, I like to sleep clean and alone preferably. 

Different strokes for different folks eh?


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> Not your wife, I called MY sister stupid.
> 
> She is LD though. Hates sex and thinks of it as a chore. She insists the few times she does have sex with her hubby, she sleeps all tangled up with him.
> 
> ...



Yep. Whatever floats your boat and tickles your innards


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Maybe she has anxiety about sex and that's causing her to have trouble staying asleep.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Quite possible. She says she just feels "awake", but given her tendency to stress over other things, she might just be over-thinking things. 



MJJEAN said:


> Maybe she has anxiety about sex and that's causing her to have trouble staying asleep.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Quite possible. She says she just feels "awake", but given her tendency to stress over other things, she might just be over-thinking things.


If she thinks you're unsatisfied with the sex that could explain it. Maybe she isn't even herself aware of stress and/or anxiety related to sex.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

DW acts as if she is on a caffeine high after sex. She can get up, vac the house, clean the baths, balance her checkbook and carry on a conversation with me while I hold a pillow over my head. Needless to say, she finds mornings desirable. Hope that helps your census.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Yes. She just gives me HJs - except as I mentioned in another thread, she gave me a BJ last weekend - to my complete surprise - she normally hates that.
> 
> In general though I use toys / vibrators / oral / fingers - whatever she feels like at the time. She almost always has an O, occasionally 2. They are usually pretty intense, and the more intense they are, the more difficulty she has sleeping.
> 
> Whats odd though is that she sleeps OK early in the night, but wakes up later.


What I find odd is she seems to be able to take your tongue, fingers, vibrators and dildos without any complaints; however, inserting your **** into her is a bridge too far. WTF?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is a physical comfort issue. She is in her 50s and if she goes a long time without sex, it becomes uncomfortable, and so she wants it less. She would like PIV, but we just do things so rarely that its not comfortable for her. 



Plan 9 from OS said:


> What I find odd is she seems to be able to take your tongue, fingers, vibrators and dildos without any complaints; however, inserting your **** into her is a bridge too far. WTF?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Is a physical comfort issue. She is in her 50s and if she goes a long time without sex, it becomes uncomfortable, and so she wants it less. She would like PIV, but we just do things so rarely that its not comfortable for her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Umm you say if you go too long without sex it becomes uncomfortable for her to have it, isn't the logical solution to not go too long between encounters?????


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't get sleepy, usually after my H falls asleep I would read. However, I do get headaches sometimes afterwards. Found out it had something to do with blood flow.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Well, yes, but see the endless threads on LD. She wants sex on average about once a month and that isn't enough for it to be comfortable. She has made an attempt recently to use small toys etc with me more often to get back to where sex works again, but there are still things that come up that cause large gaps so that we haven't had PIV in a year or so, not sure we ever will again.





Livvie said:


> Umm you say if you go too long without sex it becomes uncomfortable for her to have it, isn't the logical solution to not go too long between encounters?????


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

uhtred said:


> One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.
> 
> Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?


Let me introduce you to the wonders of Benadryl.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Simple, wake up early, and have sex at 5 AM in the morning. 

Do NOT take other b.s. excuses.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Is a physical comfort issue. She is in her 50s and if she goes a long time without sex, it becomes uncomfortable, and so she wants it less. She would like PIV, but we just do things so rarely that its not comfortable for her.




Many women's arc of arousal can extend for over an hour after sex. At least that's what I've read. My w is this way and therefore often will just give a bj or hj and forgo an o herself.

I encourage her, at times, to try for an o anyway. I've noticed if she gets highly aroused and we can get in a very long o then she can sleep.

But it's a crap shoot and even if she's only awake 10-20% of the time it's enough to create some anxiety.

Using her schedule we can't have sex until very late (I'm flexible  ) so this is always out there as s potential issue


Oh forgot re comfort - this was an issue as well so we always use lube, and take lots of time to ensure full arousal. The other thing is we had to have PIV more often in shorter time spans to reacclimate her v (thinning and atrophy can occur but can be treated with hormones and "use") 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The thing is, the excuses, to the extent that they are just excuses, are because she doesn't want sex. I don't want sex with an unwilling partner. 



Talker67 said:


> Simple, wake up early, and have sex at 5 AM in the morning.
> 
> Do NOT take other b.s. excuses.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

We use lube too. Its a tightness, not friction issue. I am happy to take all the time she wants to get her aroused, but she generally wants me to speed things up. Once she has had an O, she is usually done.

More frequency PIV would work - but that gets back to the LD problem. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> Many women's arc of arousal can extend for over an hour after sex. At least that's what I've read. My w is this way and therefore often will just give a bj or hj and forgo an o herself.
> 
> I encourage her, at times, to try for an o anyway. I've noticed if she gets highly aroused and we can get in a very long o then she can sleep.
> 
> ...


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Sex wakes me up too sometimes. I feel energized and ready to keep going, ha. But that usually depends on how satisfying it was. Whoever suggested rubbing her back to help her relax was spot on. 

Sent from my LGLS775 using Tapatalk


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Maybe this has to do with a woman's ability to have multiples and after one orgasm, the men (in my experience) are ready for sleep. 

Sent from my LGLS775 using Tapatalk


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

uhtred said:


> One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.
> 
> Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?




After sex, I usually get a burst of energy and I start getting things done, go, go, go, but then its nap or sleep time and I sleep like a baby.


Mrs.CuddleBug is a light sleeper to begin with but after sex, as long as I cuddle up to her, she'll always fall asleep and then I quietly roll over.


It's the man heat, heart beat and cuddling that always puts her to sleep fast.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The other night I was nearly asleep, my eyes drooping as I was reading in bed, when my husband initiated his sequence to have sex. I'm always game. We had great sex, several orgasms for me as usual. I went back to my book and read until my eyes started dropping again, several hours later. There was nothing stressing me and I wasn't even stressed about not sleeping.

At night I take two medications both of which have sedative side effects, which is why I only take them at night. Typically, once the lights are out and my kindle is blunted to blue shade my eyes are drooping within an hour.

That night I was falling asleep even though my husband was watching TV next to me. That day I had been gardening for several hours, which should have made me sleep quickly, easily and soundly. And I was nearly there. But then we had sex and I wasn't there again for several hours.

This used to happen every time we had sex, now it happens infrequently. I think it has to do with the hormones the flood our body with during arousal. Since menopause, this wakefulness after sex hasn't happened as often, but it still happens. This is why I think it's hormonally related and not stress related.

If I had a stressful job, or had little ones who woke at the crack of dawn, I don't think I'd be nearly as game for sex. 

I don't think it's stress keeping your wife awake @uhtred. I think she is simply returned to a more alert mental state which allows stress to then invade her thinking. Because it's not like she can take her mind off of things by cleaning out a closet or getting dinner ready.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Could be. What seems strange is how long it lasts. Enthusiastic sex at 4pm can keep her from sleeping at 10pm that night - or more accurately can cause her to be awake in the middle of the night at ~3AM. 






Anon Pink said:


> The other night I was nearly asleep, my eyes drooping as I was reading in bed, when my husband initiated his sequence to have sex. I'm always game. We had great sex, several orgasms for me as usual. I went back to my book and read until my eyes started dropping again, several hours later. There was nothing stressing me and I wasn't even stressed about not sleeping.
> 
> At night I take two medications both of which have sedative side effects, which is why I only take them at night. Typically, once the lights are out and my kindle is blunted to blue shade my eyes are drooping within an hour.
> 
> ...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@uhtred: If she was a victim of rape or abuse, having sex might trigger her PTSD and the PTSD reaction keeps her awake for hours or days. You have to be pretty darn exhausted to sleep if you fear there is a saber tooth tiger just outside the circle of light from the slowly dying the fire.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its a possibility. She has never hinted at anything, and I've tried to pay attention to any hints since I've considered it to be a possibility. I don't think there is a reasonable way for me to ask.





Holdingontoit said:


> @uhtred: If she was a victim of rape or abuse, having sex might trigger her PTSD and the PTSD reaction keeps her awake for hours or days. You have to be pretty darn exhausted to sleep if you fear there is a saber tooth tiger just outside the circle of light from the slowly dying the fire.


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## Whenpugsfly (Mar 30, 2020)

uhtred said:


> One of the reasons my wife gives for not wanting sex is that she cannot sleep well afterwards. Its true - even if we have sex early in the evening she will get to sleep just fine, but then wake up very early (like 3am) and not be able to sleep afterwards.
> 
> Most people sleep well after sex. Has anyone else experienced this?


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## CameronAlsop (Jan 4, 2021)

That is very strange, usualy after sex everyone sleeps very well


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