# In a situation and need outside input.



## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

Hi, I have been with my SO for 12 years, we love each other, we have been through a lot together, and we trust each other fully.
We decided to have children 5 years ago, so I had my contraception removed, at 30 years old, we felt we could support a child and start our family, planned, the right way. Alas it was not meant to be, 5 years on and we have not been able to conceive. We have discussed adoption and are starting off the difficult process... be it slow, as our efforts have somewhat shifted towards more financial gain, and renovation of a house we bought, which took us a long time to save for.
The sex has always been lacking, on his side... I always instigate and even then its just to go through the motions... he is borderline A-sexual, upon investigation, we have discovered he has a small sack of fluid in his brain, pushing against his pituitary gland, which affects his ability to create testosterone, and increases a hormone called prolactin, which is what is used for creating breast tissue and milk in women. I do not hold it against him, having sex is not something that we need to continue our relationship, although it would be nice for me if we could do it more often, I love him enough without it all the time, we maybe have it once or twice a month these days... not to mention the lack of conceiving made us prone to thinking, what's the point, I guess... he doesn't get anything out of it really... due to this sac of fluid, he has no lust.
I have come to the conclusion and accepted that we will not have children naturally, not fully down to him mind, we are both overweight, I currently have an ovarian cyst and my periods are all over the place, we are investigating further, I am 35 and he is 39 so... I don't know... anyway, that is not the reason I am here, but to maybe understand the pain I feel this insight is needed.

My friend of 17 years, my best friend Lets call her Nat, Has 2 children of different fathers, and is a single mum, she lives off benefits and is living in a 2 bedroom flat. She got pregnant with her second roughly 4 years ago, she was scared to tell me as the guy she was with they had been together for a year, and she felt bad about me, anyway, I was upset but pleased for her and her other half, he got on well with my SO but sadly he ran off to his home country and left Nat with the baby. Naturally we helped where possible, My SO loves kids, he dotes over them, and couldn't wait to see the baby, I on the other hand, am the opposite, I am awkward around babies, and don't really take any nonsense from children, maybe a bit harsh, but for example my sister has 5 kids and they all love me, see me as the fun Auntie, and as they aren't little children anymore, don't see my SO as the cuddly fun teddy bear that he loves being, and is very good at.
3 years on and last night I had an argument with my SO, the same argument, we have had a few times... Nat's daughter, lets call her ND is 3 years old, and Nat is going somewhere so see someone and the SO sees a chance to babysit. I am not bonded with ND, I don't feel the need to see her all the time or babysit, she is not my daughter, she is my best friends daughter, a symbol of something we cannot have, not something I hold against ND or Nat, but rather, a reminder, and a sting. My SO loves her, and sees himself as a father figure. (He is the only man in her life) When babysitting, ND will not sleep unless someone is laying in Nat's bed with her. She does not have her own bed, any time Nat has tried she has succumbed to ND's screaming, (Nat is very lazy and gives in easy to the want of her children) and so, if my SO is babysitting at times it is pointless him attempting to sleep anywhere else in the flat, not that there is anywhere else. I do not want to support this behaviour and so I will not do it instead or anything. ND loves the SO, asking for him when he isn't there, when he turns up she runs to him, wont leave his side... (Unless she is tired and wants mummy) she loves the attention he gives her and he is almost the perfect Father except, he isn't her father, he is my SO, I mean, if he was her father, I could understand more why he would want to see her more, and be around her more. I feel it isn't right, I feel as though he doesn't care about us having kids of our own, his need for children is fulfilled through ND. Mine is not, and I worry about adopting, where will his focus be, if ND is around I do not really exist. My feelings may not reflect what his are, or what would be, I cant really explain the feeling, it isn't jealousy, I am not jealous of ND, after all, she is 3 - I am more upset with my SO, but I cant change how he feels... He states that he likes some time away from the house we are renovating, to take his mind off... and there are times I go out round to my sisters or to the pub, gym, etc... I am a social person, he is not. He always uses this as an excuse to babysit, he tries to get me and Nat to spend more time together, although over the years Myself and Nat have grown apart a bit and want to enjoy the occasional time together as girlfriends, along with my sister, and not have it pushed on us.

I got so fed up with it at one point I denied him even seeing ND for some time, Nat agreed to it (Nat will usually go along with what I say) that stopped him bringing it up all the time, so we eased back into it and now we are back to where we were - anytime he brings it up I start bawling, and I cannot help but get upset.

For now I have asked Nat to work with ND and for the SO to babysit she has to have her own bed. she is 3 years old and is very capable, I said that we could babysit ND and take her out and have a nice weekend while Nat is away. (this is in 2 weeks) To which he replied, that he does like some time alone, just as I like time without him in the house (we both work from home and are on top of each other constantly) 'alone but not in the house' and babysitting ND, is kind of like being alone in a sense, which again, I get. Nat and ND live 30 miles away from us.

I just need an outside perspective, and just to be clear, My SO is not doing anything wrong. I just cannot help but feel bad about it.
Please ask any questions you like, I cannot seem to find much about this online, I would love the male perspective on this, my family and friends can be biased, and a bit old fashioned, they all agree that it is strange, but I feel for my SO, I know he has a bond with ND and I don't want to harm that, I wish I could be more okay with it.


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## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

I would really appreciate someone's input here, I have tried on other forums but I'm so stuck, other than paying for therapy which I can't really do right now


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

What seems to be the problem?


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## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

C.C. says ... said:


> What seems to be the problem?


Can you see the original post?


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Omg, I swear that wasn’t there a second ago. 😧 or if it was ... I really need to back away from the ganja. Let me read it.


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## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

Hehe OK tyvm


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Any possibility that your SO is a pedophile?


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## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

No, this has been discussed and investigated. I was sorry I ever thought it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

My wife and I have some friends with younger kids (ours are in college) and I would say I am close with some. There is one of their daughters that was always excited to see me because when we would go over to their place we would play games, sports, fun stuff. It is a little different since she has a solid family with both mom and dad married. I'm kind of like the fun uncle. There isn't anything wrong with that kind of relationship and I think kids benefit from having more adult role models in their life. 

That said, it does sound like he has a somewhat unusually close relationship with your friend's daughter, but I assume no signs of anything inappropriate? I think you are experiencing some jealousy, but there isn't really anything wrong with that. You want your husband to want you, not another woman's child. Limiting contact seems appropriate to me, but I wouldn't cut it off completely. I would focus more on strengthening your relationship with your husband. Is he seeking medical help to deal with his condition? If the source of the issue can't be removed he could easily get to normal hormonal levels with TRT. That would solve the low testosterone issue. The prolactin I'm not so sure about. That hormone, in men, is responsible for the refractory period, the time between orgasm and being able to get sexually excited again. If his prolactin is high it is like he is always in that refractory state and can't get aroused. I'm not sure if increasing testosterone would overcome that. Medical intervention seems called for.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Maybe he cheated with your friend and ND is really his kid. Any chance of that? 🤷‍♀️

For as much as he loves kids, he sure doesn’t seem to want to do anything to have any of his own (with you). Makes you wonder why.


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## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

Exactly how I feel cc, and thanks bigdaddy, yes the doctors are going to pescribe him something to decrease his prolactin. 

Our relationship is strong, I couldn't imagine life without him. No chance of cheating, not to mention ND is the spitting image of her father. I do wish he would of stuck around. 

It is good to see someone say that decreasing the time spent together is not an unreasonable thing.

My SO does not see an issue with his behaviour, and he does have some resounding arguments when it comes up, I just feel so... put down.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As the only male figure in her life it will be so beneficial for her. Please don't stop the contact but agree to find a balance between you if how often he sees her.


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## Flymodrag (Nov 29, 2021)

Yes I agree, I need to find a way that it doesn't upset me so much


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