# Getting Backed Up



## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi all, I'm new to this and was hoping people would have some insight I haven't seen elsewhere already. I know this issue has probably been discussed ad nauseum, but I was hoping someone here would be close to my age and situation...

I'm a somewhat newly married male in his late 20s that is desperate for a better sex life. My wife and I have been together ~4.5 years and the sex has somewhat steadily declined. It's been an issue for prob 2 years I'd say and become a real issue in the last year. The last six months have been brutal. Once every 3-4 weeks at best. 

We have talked extensively about it and I have made it known this needs to be fixed. To her credit, she has tried both going off antidepressants and switching types, but she couldn't handle not taking them and switching types didn't really cause any increase in interest. She has now even gone off birth control in case that's causing the drop. But this has been a slow process that she's dragged her feet on, like at least 1.5 years. Our housing and chore load is equal, if anything I do more, but we don't have kids so there's not much to do anyways.

I can't figure out why she has no interest and neither can she, really. If I try a lot, nothing happens and she gets annoyed, if I do nothing for a long time, still nothing happens. I feel like deep down she really must not be attracted to me sexually, if only in her subconscious, even though she claims this isn't the case.

When our sex life was more frequent we both enjoyed it and she was really into it. Now, sometimes she's so lifeless it makes me feel weird for having sex with her. And it's harder to get really excited when she is so disinterested, which in turn makes the sex less fun. I know that her stress from work is a big part of it, but this did kind of start before her current job. I do buy into the stress idea somewhat because there was a period of time before she started work and after schooling (the decline in sex was already an issue) where she had nothing to do and she instantly became like when we first met and was so into sex. Of course, this was short-lived until she started work and faced the real world. We are in the same field so I have real sympathy for her work plights, but I just wish she could compartmentalize better. 

So, what say you? Am I stuck with this forever? I can't see making it 50 years. I don't want to have kids with our sex life like this (we still have at least a couple years before we need to really consider it). Are there any success stories out there? I'm just so frustrated, especially cause this is our newlywed stage, we have no kids and no real responsibilities other than doing our jobs. We should be having sex more. Is there anything left I can do?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this and was hoping people would have some insight I haven't seen elsewhere already. I know this issue has probably been discussed ad nauseum, but I was hoping someone here would be close to my age and situation...
> 
> I'm a somewhat newly married male in his late 20s that is desperate for a better sex life. My wife and I have been together ~4.5 years and the sex has somewhat steadily declined. It's been an issue for prob 2 years I'd say and become a real issue in the last year. The last six months have been brutal. Once every 3-4 weeks at best.
> 
> ...


Based on your post, it sounds like things were good when you first were dating and got married. Is this correct?

If so, work to eliminate some basic issues. Any medical or health problems? Are you both getting enough exercise and eating right? How are you handling the stress? Are you smoothering her and not giving her enough space? Are you falling into a nice guy pattern, where you worry too much about her, and ignore doing things for yourself? This can lead to some woman losing attraction. Also, do you date her? Do you go out and do the things you did before you were married?


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yeah things were great when we first started dating. It was already a problem when we got married but w/o divulging too much, she was still going through changing phases in life and said once she was settled and working her stress would be better and she'd be more interested. In a sense I feel like I have been bamboozled because she continually told me, "I'm stressed cause of X, when this phase is over I'll feel like it more." That has never come. 

No health problems beyond her depression, but that's always been under control with meds. We both exercise a lot and are in good shape. I worry I may have smothered her when this first became a problem, but not anymore. Now I am becoming indifferent and will go for a while without really trying cause I've been rejected so much.

I also worry the nice guy thing/caving too much could've been previously an issue. I don't do that anymore though, esp cause sex has been cut off for so long. I pretty much do what I want. It's possible the nice guy dynamic had been around long enough it'll take time to reverse. 

We definitely date- go out to eat, movies, go on long walks, go out of town, go to social events. We're still very physically affectionate, her at least as much, just no sex. I can't think of anything left to do. She still says so many heartfelt things about how she loves me and I am so great. But she'll say, "you've made sex such a big issue in our marriage." Of course, we never have it. She won't accept that sex is very important to males and connected to their self-worth. I feel like I need to force her to read stuff on the issue.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Okay, so here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Get the His Needs Her Needs Questionnaire (you can Google it). It can be helpful in communicating things that you need to do for her, and things you need to avoid doing.

2. Assuming that you are doing all the things to really meet her needs, maybe you need to stop dating her. On some levels, you are "rewarding" her, in that you are treating her working to meet what she needs/desires while she is unable/unwilling to do the same for you. Disengaging, including going out and doing things without her, will help you take care of yourself, and help avoid some of the resentment that will naturally build within you. Cooling things down will also help. There is a thread in the Men's Clubhouse on Turning Down the Thermostat that may be helpful.

3. Remember you can't control her or make her do anything that she does not want to do. All you can do is act and react in a calm, confident manner, consistent with your boundaries.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi CWM: 

Sorry to hear of your situation. Lack of connection sexually is tough at any marital stage, but especially so at the beginning. 

Forgive me if I've missed this answer elsewhere, but has she always been on the meds or did she start after your relationship? How is her attitude in other aspects of her life and your relationship? Could it be that even with meds she is still depressed?


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yeah I am not close to divorce yet although I have told her it will come to that if nothing ever changes. More likely the issue of kids will come up first (as in actually having them, not that we've never talked about whether we want them) and I will say I don't want them cause of how our marriage/sex life is- that's it's on too shaky ground. 

One likely problem is I we do a lot of stuff together and both really enjoy it. I do think we need to go out more separately, but a lot of our friends have moved away so neither of us have a go-to friend to immediately go do something with. It's more planned events, or "we haven't seen so and so in a while, let's hang out with them."

I've asked about her needs, mostly she just wants to feel safe. She had a troubled childhood so I'm guessing she might require more of this feeling than most. The problem is I'm not really sure what concrete things this amounts to- kind of an abstract idea.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My sex drive didn't start to really kick in until recently. I'm in my mid-late 30's and I'd like it everyday! Some women's sex drive kicks in their early 30's. My husband has always put my needs before his, always! Even when the sex was less frequent, he never made it an issue or was ever angry about it. He is high drive too. All my needs are met physically and emotionally through my husband and he deserves the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

ST: She was on the meds before we met but not for years or anything. Her attitude on life good I suppose, but she is down on her job and also has a lot of childhood baggage. She really likes our relationship and hates that I make an issue of the lack of sex. It's possible she could still be depressed even on the meds, but I don't think excessively so. She still has some traits of a depressed/anxious person even when on them. I should mention she was formally prescribed them for anxiety but has also acknowledged she would need them for depression- seem sort of intertwined with her. I just called them antidepressants cause they're more typical for that.

I'm in love: I've heard that too, but the thing is, am I supposed to just hope that this is what is going to happen? Early 30s is still a few years away. Also, I'd like to have some time with a normal sexual relationship before kids disrupt it somewhat. If this doesn't correct itself until her early 30s I won't really get that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CWM0842 said:


> ST: She was on the meds before we met but not for years or anything. Her attitude on life good I suppose, but she is down on her job and also has a lot of childhood baggage. She really likes our relationship and hates that I make an issue of the lack of sex. It's possible she could still be depressed even on the meds, but I don't think excessively so. She still has some traits of a depressed/anxious person even when on them. I should mention she was formally prescribed them for anxiety but has also acknowledged she would need them for depression- seem sort of intertwined with her. I just called them antidepressants cause they're more typical for that.
> 
> I'm in love: I've heard that too, but the thing is, am I supposed to just hope that this is what is going to happen? Early 30s is still a few years away. Also, I'd like to have some time with a normal sexual relationship before kids disrupt it somewhat. If this doesn't correct itself until her early 30s I won't really get that.


Don't have kids until this is resolved. Kids add stress, reduce sleep and take up time. They are great (I have three of them), but they do not help the sex life. You having kids is telling your wife you are satisified in the relationship.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yeah exactly. I have told her I won't have kids with our sex life like this. Honestly we're a few years from wanting them anyways, so I'm not sure that registers with her as mattering. I feel like the longer this goes on the more I will push back the time for having kids (assuming this does resolve and get better at some point).


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

CWM0842 said:


> So, what say you? Am I stuck with this forever? I can't see making it 50 years. I don't want to have kids with our sex life like this (we still have at least a couple years before we need to really consider it). Are there any success stories out there? I'm just so frustrated, especially cause this is our newlywed stage, we have no kids and no real responsibilities other than doing our jobs. We should be having sex more. Is there anything left I can do?


It is a big deal. Sex may be the primary reason men marry.

Since her brief period before starting work resulted in more sex, I think stress is probably killing her libido. The problem with that is that life is full of stress. Children are stressful and jobs are stressful. If she can't handle working, then talk to her about being keeping house and getting by on your salary. You may have fewer luxuries, but you'll have a healthier marriage.

Also, check out Married Man Sex Life for some great information.

Until something improves, you should absolutely NOT have children. Children tend to decrease the frequency of sex. Since your wife appears incapable of handling even moderate amounts of stress without shutting off the sex, kids will be a HUGE damper on any sex life you can get going.

Good luck.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> It is a big deal. Sex may be the primary reason men marry.
> 
> Since her brief period before starting work resulted in more sex, I think stress is probably killing her libido. The problem with that is that life is full of stress. Children are stressful and jobs are stressful. If she can't handle working, then talk to her about being keeping house and getting by on your salary. You may have fewer luxuries, but you'll have a healthier marriage.
> 
> ...


We've talked about her looking for a different job. She isn't getting paid so much that taking a lesser paying job with less stress isn't worth it. 

I've perused the married man sex life/roissy-type stuff before. The underlying ideas make perfect sense, but being yourself and a dominant man will only go so far. I'm not exactly a shrinking violet anyways I don't think. And yeah, sex is probably the primary reason men marry. And as an extension of that having children at some point as a result.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Have you asked her if you are meeting her needs? Not her sexual needs, but just her needs in general.


This. Ask your wife if you are satisfying her in your marriage (not just sexually). Ask her what is going on in your marriage when she feels very sexually charged. (Meaning, is it when you buy her flowers, hold her, tell her she looks hot). 

Once every 3-4x a week is very very little, IMO. I am recently divorced but in our 8 yrs together, we still averaged 2-3x a week. I can tell you that there was a time, towards the end, when I was not wanting to have sex w/ him but that is because I was very emotionally dissatisfied in our relationship. He wasn't affectionate or loving or said nice things, etc. I felt very very alone. 

Women tie their feelings into sex so be sure to ask what you can do and/or if she is emotionally satisfied. Check to see if she is depressed. What does she make of all of this???

Don't be afraid to speak up with her about it.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This. Ask your wife if you are satisfying her in your marriage (not just sexually). Ask her what is going on in your marriage when she feels very sexually charged. (Meaning, is it when you buy her flowers, hold her, tell her she looks hot).
> 
> Once every 3-4x a week is very very little, IMO. I am recently divorced but in our 8 yrs together, we still averaged 2-3x a week. I can tell you that there was a time, towards the end, when I was not wanting to have sex w/ him but that is because I was very emotionally dissatisfied in our relationship. He wasn't affectionate or loving or said nice things, etc. I felt very very alone.
> 
> ...



She tells me she loves our relationship. She has previously stated she needs to feel "safe" and be able to "trust" me. Not in the sense I'll cheat on her or anything, just that she can trust I'll always be there. Her parents, divorced, were not the greatest each in their own way so I think she grew up feeling alone and definitely definitely not "safe." From talking these are the two "needs" I gather she needs the most. Just last night she told me "thanks for sticking with me and letting me be me." I can only assume I'm doing at least an ok job. Maybe she is just not fully opening up? 

FWIW, she still seems very into me in most other ways- doing stuff, spending time with me, physically affectionate, contacting me during the day while we're at work, etc. Obviously I'm missing something, I just don't know what. We've also talked about the sex itself and she has assured me quality is not an issue, even after I told her my ego was fine with whatever she said. 

She has said that I have made it into such an issue that now she has a hangup about it. I feel like I really have laid off of actually trying for months now, but the trend has not reversed. I realize I probably was too harsh/pushy about it originally, but it seems like this was a while ago, as in over a year ago.

Last, her last ltr before me had no sex after the first year, cause he did not want to. The relationship was close to 5 years. I know it hurt her self-esteem a lot cause she told me. She is probably used to such a relationship so it doesn't bother her that much.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Go see a sex psychologist who can explore what is going on and what you both need to do about it. Her depression is playing a major role in this, is my guess.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

CWM0842 said:


> I feel like I really have laid off of actually trying for months now, but the trend has not reversed. I realize I probably was too harsh/pushy about it originally, but it seems like this was a while ago, as in over a year ago.


Backing off, by itself, is almost never an effective strategy. She doesn't want to have sex. When you back off, you're just giving her what she wants. Many (most?) men involved in low sex marriages have tried not initiating and most of those were rewarded with even less sex for their troubles.



CWM0842 said:


> Last, her last ltr before me had no sex after the first year, cause he did not want to. The relationship was close to 5 years. I know it hurt her self-esteem a lot cause she told me. She is probably used to such a relationship so it doesn't bother her that much.


Are you sure he didn't want to? It's very possible that he got tired of her impersonating a blow up doll and backed off.

I suggest two strategies. First, if you're asking for sex, stop it. Pick a day likely to be low stress for her, like Saturday, and start playfully flirting early in the day. That night, just pick her up and take her to bed. Don't announce what you're doing and wait for her to give her explicit acceptance. Just do it.

Second, if she balks at a strategy like this, go ahead and get angry. Tell her that it bothers you. She obviously won't like that, but you may need to shake her up a bit to get some action going.


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