# Why does my wife say no to people she knows but yes to total strangers?



## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

For several years now I've wondered this about my wife. YES, I'VE ASKED HER BUT HAVEN'T GOTTEN A GOOD ANSWER. We're members of our church and have been for several years. No, it's not a mega church where you just blend into the congregation and are merely a number or just a face in the crowd. It's a smaller congregation where everyone knows your name and you know everyone else. You can walk up to the pastor and shake his hand, give his wife a hug, first name basis with the other members of the congregation, etc. I've always been very active in church willing to jump in and help out where needed whereas my wife would rather just stay in the background. At our church my wife and I are on the pastoral care team which means we are up in front of the church at least once a month reading scriptures or things like that. It seems to take my wife time to work up her nerve to eve do that. I myself, have no problem with public speaking or even being in front of a crowd. I held many positions at our last church so I'm use to it. I have even been asked by the pastor to be a deacon. I was even asked to be Jesus in the church's Palm Sunday production. Whenever my wife is asked to do anything she always turns them down because she doesn't want to be in the spotlight. No one asked her to be in the play but anything like helping out an auxiliary or something like that she doesn't want to do it. 

But on the other hand, she has a friend she use to work with who is a pastor at another church and every time his church has something where they need a choir his wife will ask my wife to join in and help them sing. Their congregation is much smaller than ours. But my wife has no problem going to their church and getting up in front of a bunch of strangers with a mic in her hand and sing her life away. Last year shortly before Christmas they did a Christmas concert and my wife was there participating with them. Yesterday they did a pre-Easter concert and again, she was there with a mic in her hand and both of their productions were broadcasts all over Facebook for everyone to see. 

I made a joke to her that the production arts team was going to ask her to be in next year's play and you would have thought they gave her the lead and told her it was next Sunday. She snapped my head off. Help me understand why she hates to do anything at our church but the minute she's asked to pick up a mic at someone else's church she's all hands on deck. It's not an issue of her not liking our church because she does but she would rather not be asked to do anything. Why? She says she gets nervous doing things like that but the minute she's asked by the other church she jumps in no questions asked.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Because they are strangers and don’t know her or have any day to day interaction with her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Also, you may be asking her to do things SHE doesn't want/like. She may LOVE to sing in the choir -- does she do that at your own church (and if not WHY NOT). Just because YOU do readings doesn't mean SHE is comfortable doing that, where she may be FINE with singing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Some people are more comfortable in front of strangers, and some people are more comfortable in front of people they know well. Neither is right or wrong. 

If she makes a fool of herself in front of strangers, whatever because she doesn't have to see them again or hear about it. She may care less about their opinions. 

There is also the possibility that she just doesn't like or feel comfortable doing stuff like that in front of you. You may be too critical of her, you may pressure her too much, you may assume she should be like you and enjoy public speaking, etc.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your wife likes to sing and she's apparently good at it. She doesn't like public speaking or performing some of the other tasks she's asked to join in at your church. That would seem somewhat obvious. 

Also, she is not you. She can have her own feelings about her likes and dislikes without being wrong - even if her feelings and likes and dislikes differ from yours.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Because they are strangers and don’t know her or have any day to day interaction with her.


Are you saying it's easier to speak in front of strangers than it is to speak in front of people you know?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Also, you may be asking her to do things SHE doesn't want/like. She may LOVE to sing in the choir -- does she do that at your own church (and if not WHY NOT). Just because YOU do readings doesn't mean SHE is comfortable doing that, where she may be FINE with singing.


However, she's not asked to join our church's choir or praise team.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Could be fear of people she knows. Or she could be insecure and doesn't feel confident enough to say no to strangers for fear that they won't like her or will judge her negatively. Maybe she is codependent.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your putting a lot of pressure on your wife. Maybe at the other place she doesn’t fell like she has to perform “for you”.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

4thtwin said:


> Are you saying it's easier to speak in front of strangers than it is to speak in front of people you know?


I thought I had made that obvious.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t matter why. That’s just how she does things.

You apparently want her to do things your way and she’s not going to.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Because they are strangers and don’t know her or have any day to day interaction with her.


Bingo.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

4thtwin, 

Your wrote * But on the other hand, she has a friend she use to work with who is a pastor at another church and every time his church has something where they need a choir his wife will ask my wife to join in and help them sing. *

Do you feel she had an inappropriate relationship when they worked together excessive texting or something like that, do they text now? Is your gut uneasy about this?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I suspect she’s not good at saying no to those she’s not comfortable turning down and is also a people pleaser. With you or close friends and family, she’s confident enough to say no. 


Many WWs who spend time going to individual counseling, find out they had those qualities, which allowed them put down their barriers.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

It could be that the congregation at her friend's church are strangers, and she's less afraid of judgement by strangers than people who know her. It could also be that she's more comfortable singing than speaking. I'll use myself as an example: I'm deadly afraid of speaking in public, like even knowing that I'll be put on the spot in a staff meeting makes me panic a bit. I'm afraid of judgement by my colleagues for my opinion, thoughts, voice, etc. However, like your wife, I'm a musician, and I have absolutely no problem getting up in front of a full house and doing a flute solo. My nerves are there for that too, but instead of OMG-I'[email protected] nerves, it's excitement-type nerves. My guess is that simply put, your wife is just more comfortable expressing herself in a musical way than through public speaking.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Ursula said:


> It could be that the congregation at her friend's church are strangers, and she's less afraid of judgement by strangers than people who know her. It could also be that she's more comfortable singing than speaking. I'll use myself as an example: I'm deadly afraid of speaking in public, like even knowing that I'll be put on the spot in a staff meeting makes me panic a bit. I'm afraid of judgement by my colleagues for my opinion, thoughts, voice, etc. However, like your wife, I'm a musician, and I have absolutely no problem getting up in front of a full house and doing a flute solo. My nerves are there for that too, but instead of OMG-I'[email protected] nerves, it's excitement-type nerves. My guess is that simply put, your wife is just more comfortable expressing herself in a musical way than through public speaking.


No one is asking her to give a speech or do free speaking for 20 or 30 minutes. The most she's been asked to do is pick an old or new testament scripture and read it at the beginning of a service. That's it. Literally find a few verses, read them, and sit down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t matter.

She’s going to do things her way.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I sing in a local band, and I much prefer singing somewhere that I don’t know the people than I do at hometown festivals and such. I can’t explain it, but that’s the way it is with me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> However, she's not asked to join our church's choir or praise team.


Maybe that's because she wants to be with YOU and you obviously like doing the work you are doing now -- it just doesn't come naturally to her.
Have you ASKED her if she wants to join the choir and YOU would join with her? 

My wife did that for me -- she had no real interest in signing in the choir, but she knew I did -- so she joined with me.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

4thtwin said:


> No one is asking her to give a speech or do free speaking for 20 or 30 minutes. The most she's been asked to do is pick an old or new testament scripture and read it at the beginning of a service. That's it. Literally find a few verses, read them, and sit down.


Read them to herself, or out loud to the congregation?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Because there is only room for one star in a marriage. At your church, you're the star. At the other church, her actions will not affect you. And vice-versa.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

If this is the only issue in your marriage, count yourself as blessed. This is her. Don't worry about it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I have been on stage a great deal, both as an actor and as a ballerina. I'm also _very_ literate. 

The only thing I dislike more, and am more awkward with, than public speaking is reading aloud publicly. For some reason I tend to stumble over the words, speak too quickly and too softly, don't pace the reading well and generally just make a muck of it. Give me lines and stage direction, or ask me for a ballet solo, and I'm _golden_ on stage. Give me a topic to speak on or a passage to read, and I'm nearly guaranteed sound like a slightly illiterate 5th grader. I'm bad at it and it makes me unpleasantly nervous and self-conscious. 

That doesn't make me some sort of abnormal freak. It also doesn't make me wrong or defective in any way. And it certainly doesn't mean I'm cheating on my husband (for pity's sake, people, really?!?!), or that I have some sort of personality defect or poor boundaries. 

It means that I'm more comfortable with some types of public performance than with others. 

OP, your wife likes to sing and she's more comfortable singing in public than she is with reading passages aloud in front of the congregation. She's not wrong for feeling that way. Stop trying to force her to feel and behave in the ways you do. She is not you. She is her own person with her own feelings and strengths and weaknesses, entirely separate and whole unto herself, independently of you. That's not just okay, it's actually normal and healthy. 

Less healthy is insisting that there's something wrong with your wife because she doesn't feel the same way you do about everything. If you really need your partner to perform in all the same ways you do for your church, then you'll need to find another wife to make up the other half of your devotional power couple.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

4thtwin said:


> However, she's not asked to join our church's choir or praise team.


Give her time to make friends with these latter day folks. 

Give her a break!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Can't she support your efforts at the church but choose for it to be your thing? And then singing at the other church is her thing? You guys can support each other, without choosing to do the exact same thing, right? I guess I don't see the issue, other than the fact that you don't seem to want her to be very independent. Do you find yourself trying to take charge and want her to make choices you would make? I could be way off base, it just seems as though this is annoying you in a way that's disproportionate to the situation (hence all the caps).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What is a 'good' answer?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you the poster with the daughter who recently had a baby and was staying with you? If so, how’s that going? Your wife, if I’m recalling this correctly, wanted your daughter gone as soon as possible and you wanted her to stay as long as she needed to? (Hope I haven’t confused you with someone else.)

As to the current topic, obviously she’s going to do what she wants and so are you. Let this go. You aren’t going to figure out why and it doesn’t matter.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Because there is only room for one star in a marriage. At your church, you're the star. At the other church, her actions will not affect you. And vice-versa.


How do the women at your church behave around you and your wife? Do you notice a difference?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife and your twin brother seem to keep you busy passing judgments. Might need to order a new gavel. Or, a new mirror. Or, a new Bible.


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