# Choosing Divorce or Separation?



## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

Hey, everyone. So I've been married to my husband for almost 9.5 years. When we met/got married, I was a slim 130 lbs, wearing a 2-4 in pants and fairly responsible. A lot has changed since then.

To begin with, once we moved from Texas, where I had lived since birth, I put on a lot of weight- got up to 170. I blame it on primarily depression, but the depression turned out to be caused by my birth control I had started a couple of years before. I'm totally an emotional eater, so when we moved to a new state with no friends or family around, I felt sad and lonely- thus, I ate.

Beginning around Valentine's Day, just after our first anniversary, my husband brought up my weight gain and that I should lose weight. I would try different workout programs but had trouble sticking to them- I have no real interest in lifting weights (I can do it, I'm not afraid to do it, I just don't like it) or running (it's cardio...yuck!). I also would get completely overwhelmed at even just the thought of counting calories. However, I lost some weight and things seemed to get a little better.

Unfortunately, the weight never stayed off. I yoyo-ed up and down like crazy. And every year on Valentine's we'd have the same talk, eventually even having the discussion a second or third time in the same year. Eventually, he threatened divorce. He even moved out of our apartment. I worked my ass off- crossfit 3-5 days a week, 30 minutes on the bike in the morning before crossfit and started a couch to 5k program. It worked! But I couldn't sustain it for long. That was during our 3rd year of marriage. Since then, he has discussed with me multiple times a year how he wants me to workout and lose weight. He's threatened divorce multiple times. I lose some weight, things start to look better, I can't sustain the workouts, I gain weight, rinse, repeat.

When we moved to VA (husband's military), he gave me the ultimatum again. He stopped having sex with me. He set the deadline for this past tax day. Not long before April 15th I had a serious, deep talk with him. No, I may not have been losing weight (eventually even hitting my all-time max at one point of 198), but I was getting healthier mentally and emotionally: I converted to Judaism (and found a spiritual safe-haven) and I was able to stop taking my anti-depressant, my ADD medication and stop treating my binge eating disorder (which I was diagnosed with around 2015). I was also recently diagnosed with PCOS, which apparently affects your ability to lose weight.

He was willing to be more flexible and extend the deadline to when he reports to his next duty station (Aug 2020). I tried a couple of things, but got sick twice and then just kinda gave up.
We've had 2 pretty deep talks in the last couple of weeks, but I feel like I've hit my breaking point. Each time we've had the talks and fights and talked about/I've been threatened with divorce, my heart has broken a little. And each time it's gotten harder and taken longer to heal. Finally, a few weeks ago, I realized I'm not even physically attracted to him anymore. Which is ironic, given that he's told me a few times that he was considering divorce because he wasn't physically attracted to me- and even said that the main reason he doesn't want to go out on dates or with friends is because of my weight/appearance.

A little before May 20th I started intermittent fasting- on my own and not because he wanted me to. I'm having great success and losing weight well, but I think I'm at the point where I don't want to stay with him. Even if I get to "the ideal weight" I'll always know that his love has been conditional and he couldn't love me for me when I was overweight. I know that appearance is a factor in finding that someone attractive- in combination with their personality and stuff- but I don't think I want to stay with a guy whose attraction to me is so dependent on that.

Am I crazy for feeling like this is it?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If you divorce, are you going to lose weight in order to present your best self to the dating scene?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This isn't about him. He fell in love with someone you have chosen to stop being.

I get it. I ballooned to 220 at one point.

But the reason you have not lost weight is that you have chosen not to. And you have chosen not to KNOWING it makes him unhappy.

Divorce if you want, but don't make it about him.


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## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

No. I mean, I may lose weight, but not in order to find a guy. I wasn't skinny when we met on purpose- it was a side effect of a med I was taking for what turned out to be undiagnosed Tourette's. I've talked to some of my friends from groups I'm involved with and some of them do tell me that I'm attractive just like I am. This gives me confidence that I could find someone who likes all of me just the way I am; someone who won't decide how much they love me based on my weight.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

From your write-up, it sounds like he is a controlling person. If not your weight, then what? And he withholds sex from you as a weapon? 

All of this is concerning to me. I am seeing the issue of your weight as the Band-Aid and not the root cause of his controlling issues.

Were it me, I would consider a separation. I understand the weight issue, but it's not like you lay around eating ice cream all day. You're making the effort. But a 30 to 90 day time apart gives the both of you time to reconsider if you want to live like this. I also feel some good marriage counseling may be in line.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

He has a need that you cannot consistently meet. He wants a thin wife. You don't value being thin enough to do the work. I don't think either of you should judge the other, these are simply differences in needs. 

I don't see how a separation will change anything. Time apart won't make him attracted to overweight women any more than it will turn you into a calorie-counting gym rat. This is a fundamental mis-match in needs. If you find the situation intolerable, I'd file and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's obviously not going to work so divorce him and create a new life for yourself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ms August, it’s true men in particular are visually attracted, that is the way they are made. Women depend more on their ears (what they hear). In any marriage spouses should try and remain attractive to one another. However your husband,s relentless picking on you is bound to break you down little by little. His love seems shallow considering the issues you have and the efforts you have made. I would suggest you continue losing weight but file for divorce, be with someone who will accept your flaws and appreciate you for your effort. Maybe one day when he leaves the arm and begins to have a belly and a balding head , he’ll be dumped by his then wife/ girlfriend 😂


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly you dont sound truly dedicated to keeping your weight down, and your H sees this as you not caring enough about the marriage to put in the work to keep yourself healthy and attractive for your spouse. At least when he first brought up your weight, he was being honest about it and how he felt. Would you be letting yourself go even more if you thought this was something that didnt bother him? What you have described is a significant, serious amount of weight, not just like a normal 25lb gain from childbirth, or happy marriage eating, or something. If I had a husband who gained in this way, I would be somewhat put off attraction wise, and very concerned about him, and would probably be open about it as well. We want our partners to be healthy, and to put some priority into staying attractive for us. I can remember I put on like 30lbs when I was married to my second husband and he let me know that it bothered him. At first I was pissed, because he is supposed to love me anyway, but after a while, I took a good look at myself and realized that I really did look like hell. Not just pudgy, but unhealthy too. I did lose the weight and felt a million times better about myself. 

Are you getting some kind of help about getting the PCOS resolved? I know that can be a rough go.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MsAugust said:


> No. I mean, I may lose weight, but not in order to find a guy. I wasn't skinny when we met on purpose- it was a side effect of a med I was taking for what turned out to be undiagnosed Tourette's. I've talked to some of my friends from groups I'm involved with and some of them do tell me that I'm attractive just like I am. This gives me confidence that I could find someone who likes all of me just the way I am; someone who won't decide how much they love me based on my weight.


You realize it isn't your friends' assessments that are the issue, right?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, What exactly do you want to place YOUR qualifications of your husbands needs on?
Do not blame him for being a man. 
Do not blame him for your lack of motivation.

"his love has been conditional" We all have conditions. Yes you do too. Plenty, it seems.
Your condition is he love you the way and for the reasons "You say" he loves you. 
That does not work. 
What you are really talking about and complaining about, is your value is not what it was. That's natural as women get older. 
Loose weight, increase your value, feel good about yourself and be happy. 
"Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today"


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Doesn't seem like you two are compatible. 

I suggest if you do divorce get comfortable with who you are be it fat of thin and then date at that weight. I say that because I believe n marriage you have a responsibility to be the best you can been within reason. Almost doubling your weight is not doing that. 

Honestly it's also not nice for him to keep threatening divorce, once it was obvious that you couldn't meet his needs he should have just ended it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds to me like you have taken some very personal, positive steps, from which you benefit greatly. If the state of your marriage, or the idea of remaining married to your husband doesn't fit with this new alignment of your 'self', then why stay?

Lots of people separate believing that doing so will give them 'space' to address the issues. I believed this. It isn't true.

Separating isn't taking a step towards fixing your problems or your marriage. It's the first step towards ending it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There are some basic things that generally speaking each sex looks for from their mate. I say generally speaking. For instances women want security, leadership, etc... One of the big one for men is physical attractiveness. That's just the way we work.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

I think in your case that counseling would be a good option. Neither side seems like they are truly aware of the real issues but you do seem willing to communicate. It all sounds very shallow but an iceberg looks smaller than it really is too. I find it hard to believe that all he is concerned about is your weight and also that you are unable to lose weight even if internally motivated and instead gain more weight.
Maybe there are buried, deeper issues here in both of you?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm really surprised that the TAM jury puts so much emphasis on MsAugust's weight being the issue in her marriage. Or rather, placing the "blame" for the husband's conditional acceptance of her... on her. Is the primary reason they got married their physical attractiveness to each other? If so, do people who look like something out of GQ when married have higher divorce rates because one or the other might "deteriorate" too much over time?

I can see issues where a spouse engages in self-destructive behavior that needs to change, especially when it's a health issue. But some people are just wired screwy and for whatever reason put on a lot of weight and despite their best intentions they can't keep it off. Is that really a common reason for divorce? Yet as I think about it, if there are no kids involved, it probably should be a good reason for divorce, because the relationship may have been built like a house of cards . Far too frail to stand the test of time. If not weight, it might be something else down the road.

Personally I think divorce is the likely and best outcome here, not because the husband is right, but rather the opposite. And yes, perhaps I'm more sympathetic than most because my wife is quite overweight and was very different before our first kid. I love her just as much, likely more, today, at 200 lbs, as I did 40 years ago at 130. Her weight would not be the reason anything would happen to our marriage.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> I'm really surprised that the TAM jury puts so much emphasis on MsAugust's weight being the issue in her marriage. Or rather, placing the "blame" for the husband's conditional acceptance of her... on her. Is the primary reason they got married their physical attractiveness to each other? If so, do people who look like something out of GQ when married have higher divorce rates because one or the other might "deteriorate" too much over time?
> 
> I can see issues where a spouse engages in self-destructive behavior that needs to change, especially when it's a health issue. But some people are just wired screwy and for whatever reason put on a lot of weight and despite their best intentions they can't keep it off. Is that really a common reason for divorce? Yet as I think about it, if there are no kids involved, it probably should be a good reason for divorce, because the relationship may have been built like a house of cards . Far too frail to stand the test of time. If not weight, it might be something else down the road.
> 
> Personally I think divorce is the likely and best outcome here, not because the husband is right, but rather the opposite. And yes, perhaps I'm more sympathetic than most because my wife is quite overweight and was very different before our first kid. I love her just as much, likely more, today, at 200 lbs, as I did 40 years ago at 130. Her weight would not be the reason anything would happen to our marriage.


Then obviously an attractive spouse is not a high need for you. It is for her husband. You don't get to dismiss as irrelevant other people's needs just because they aren't yours.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wow. This is really hard. I can see your husband's point of view because he fell in love with and married a slender woman. What neither of you understood at the time was that your figure was just a coincidence, not the result of you being a person who was careful about her weight.

I'm sure it hurts deeply to have your H tell you he is not attracted to you and threaten divorce. However, it makes sense that a man who was attracted to a size 4 is not going to be attracted to a size 16. It feels superficial to many women, but the visual aspect is very important part of attraction to men. He could still love you, the person, but not feel sexually attracted to you and who can blame him for not wanting to be married to a woman he is not sexually attracted to?

From your perspective, you're still you and there have been mental and physical health issues affecting your weight. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. I believe women's weight is much trickier to maintain than men's for a variety of reasons. Who knows what's going to happen to your body when you hit menopause! Even if you lose the weight and keep it off for a few happy years, you're living under the threat that something outside your control could happen that affects your weight and you could lose your husband down the road.

I'm inclined to say you should try to work things out, but it does bother me that your H said he didn't want to go out in public with you or see friends because he was embarrassed. To not do things because of what others might think of your appearance seems kind of narcissistic to me.

Question: How is your marriage outside of this one issue? Are there things you are not happy about? Do you think the dynamic between you and your H may have added to the depression? Or just in general your desire to meet his needs? (be attractive to him?) Like maybe your subconscious was unhappy about something else in the marriage and keeping on the weight was a way to keep him at a distance and/or punish him?

If this is really the only issue in your marriage then I'd be inclined to try to work on the marriage. But if he's shallow and controlling in many aspects and you don't have children, you might cut your losses. Same with if you're fearful you'll gain weight back some day despite your best efforts. There are men who are not that focused on physical appearances, and men who like heavier women. It would be nice to be in a relationship without that fear hanging over your head. But understand that those men are a smaller percentage and most of them are very overweight themselves. It may take awhile to find the right one.







MsAugust said:


> Hey, everyone. So I've been married to my husband for almost 9.5 years. When we met/got married, I was a slim 130 lbs, wearing a 2-4 in pants and fairly responsible. A lot has changed since then.
> To begin with, once we moved from Texas, where I had lived since birth, I put on a lot of weight- got up to 170. I blame it on primarily depression, but the depression turned out to be caused by my birth control I had started a couple of years before. I'm totally an emotional eater, so when we moved to a new state with no friends or family around, I felt sad and lonely- thus, I ate.
> Beginning around Valentine's Day, just after our first anniversary, my husband brought up my weight gain and that I should lose weight. I would try different workout programs but had trouble sticking to them- I have no real interest in lifting weights (I can do it, I'm not afraid to do it, I just don't like it) or running (it's cardio...yuck!). I also would get completely overwhelmed at even just the thought of counting calories. However, I lost some weight and things seemed to get a little better.
> Unfortunately, the weight never stayed off. I yoyo-ed up and down like crazy. And every year on Valentine's we'd have the same talk, eventually even having the discussion a second or third time in the same year. Eventually, he threatened divorce. He even moved out of our apartment. I worked my ass off- crossfit 3-5 days a week, 30 minutes on the bike in the morning before crossfit and started a couch to 5k program. It worked! But I couldn't sustain it for long. That was during our 3rd year of marriage. Since then, he has discussed with me multiple times a year how he wants me to workout and lose weight. He's threatened divorce multiple times. I lose some weight, things start to look better, I can't sustain the workouts, I gain weight, rinse, repeat.
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I know I am going to get flak for this but what else is new. I don't think I will get banned but who knows, I can't figure out how that works either on this site anymore. 

Anyway I see the whole attractions weight issue working a little like this. 

Say you are a women and you marry a man who is very career driven. He makes pretty good money and has ambition to get ahead. While you are dating the money he brings in helps you go on fun trips. He buys you nice clothes, his apartment is nice, etc.. But once you get married he decides that the good money is overrated, he is tired of the rat race and though he is in the prime of his working life he decides he will change careers to a very typical but pretty much dead end job with not real chance of advancement. Oh and he doesn't talk to you about it either, just says he is doing it and acts like you really have no say. He just needs to do this. Now even with both of your salaries the bills are payed but there isn't enough to get ahead, or save. No great vacations, the cars you get are now used at the end of their life type, always in the shop. Still, he loves his wife very much, is faithful and caring. In all other ways he is a good husband. 

Now I can totally see how a women who met an ambitious man would be disappointed at how much their lifestyle had changed. Now other people might say she shouldn't be so materialistic, and the truth is for those people it doesn't matter. The things she anticipated in their marriage are not a priority to folks who see that as materialistic, but that doesn't make her wrong. I also feel like when a spouse becomes really very overweight, morbidly so (though that doesn't seem the case here) for my scenario that would be closer to the husband working at all. In that case they just completely advocate their responsibility. 

This is kind of how I see the attraction thing. For some people it really doesn't matter, not a lot but some. Same holds true for the job thing. But it's OK if for some people it does matter. The point is you are allowed to have realistic expectations of your spouse. You are also allowed to say, this is not the life you sold me on, this is not the priorities you presented you had when we were dating. 

However I think that also needs to be realistic and fair. When you have kids and a family then it makes sense that you want to spend less time at work to have more time for your kids. That may mean you can't do the expensive trips like you did when you were single. When you are a Mom and you are taking care of the kids and stuff you probably don't have the hour for exercise that you did every day that kept off the extra 20 pounds you gained being pregnant. I think that is reasonable. 

Which is why I go back compatibility, I think maybe in this case OP and her husband just aren't. Their priorities are different.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Love is always conditional, atleast with a spouse. If it isn't then you are a doormat.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Why would someone take offense to wanting their spouse to be physically attractive? You should want to be attractive for him/her! If you double in size and suddenly your mate doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, its not too hard to deduce the problem. Hit the gym!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I know I am going to get flak for this but what else is new. I don't think I will get banned but who knows, I can't figure out how that works either on this site anymore.
> 
> Anyway I see the whole attractions weight issue working a little like this.
> 
> ...


This is an excellent post.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I don't know that I would feel the way that her husband does, but I get how he feels. 

But here is the deal, some women come her and complain that there H is a fat slob that does not take care of himself and she is no longer sexually attracted to him... 

Some of those threads have a lot of "you go girl" comments on them so how is this different for the husband. 

My Fiancée is slim, and frankly has a very sexy body and any age. But she is 60, and the small amount of weight around the middle that she has really bothers her.

Me not so much. But how would I feel if she really got super heavy? I am not sure. 

I keep myself looking good, but I could stand to lose another 20. 

Also, I have dated heavy women before, I don't have a problem with it, they were beautiful as well. 

This whole discussion is kind of hard for a lot of reasons.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Just walk...

Eat healthy, eat less, and walk your butt off.

Your heart will thank you, as well as joints and overall outlook.

Do it for none but you.

I'm curious... did you do a lot of physical activity together before that you cannot do now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@MsAugust 170lbs is about 12 stone in UK terms and, to be honest, that's big, but not very big. 

Have you received counselling to help you with your porblems?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

MsAugust said:


> and even said that the main reason he doesn't want to go out on dates or with friends is because of my weight/appearance.


While so many people are trying to talk you into understanding your husband's position that he's not sexually attracted to you being overweight, this quote from you is the real crux of the problem. It's not about sexual attraction. Not being sexually attracted to someone who is overweight is understandable, but this is really about him being so shallow that he doesn't respect you as a person because his respect is entirely dependent on your weight. He doesn't have to be sexually attracted to you in order to respect you as his wife. But he doesn't respect you. He's embarrassed of you being overweight, which means he has a superficial need to present what he considers perfection to the world and if you're not perfect, he doesn't want to be seen in public with you. He doesn't want people to see him with someone who is overweight. Yes, that is very shallow.

The psyche is a wonderful thing, and it also works in very strange ways. You are subconsciously realizing that he doesn't respect you as a person and while that must be very hurtful, it has translated into you losing attraction to him. And you should. It isn't as though you should expect him to want to ravage you sexually no matter how many pounds you weigh. It's that you want, and should expect, his love and respect no matter how many pounds you weigh. And that's the difference.

So yes, I think you should divorce him. There isn't enough time in this world to have to go through life with a person who is so shallow as him. This will manifest in other areas of your life. What if you and he have a child who is downs syndrome, autistic, suffers cerebral palsy during birth, or is born with some other malady that makes him/her imperfect. Your husband would not be able to love that child. He will abandon you and your child and not look back because he can do all this goading and browbeating you into losing weight, but he won't be able to convince an imperfect child to work on becoming perfect.

You really should get yourself together for your health's sake, but get rid of the man.....also for your health's sake. He, himself, is too imperfect a person to be bothered with.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You lose weight for you and your happiness. 

You don’t do it for anyone else. 

If he was so concerned for all these years, why the hell was he not working out with you? To help keep you motivated and stay with it. 

Your husband sounds like an azz. I have seen his type before and hate being around them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What a horrible man. I would run a mile from a man like that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Even if you weren't with your husband, would you want to lose weight?

Does your husband love you?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Folks this poster has been telling the same story since 2012.
And it was her husband who started posting,she then joined in.


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## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

MsAugust said:


> Hey, everyone. So I've been married to my husband for almost 9.5 years. When we met/got married, I was a slim 130 lbs, wearing a 2-4 in pants and fairly responsible. A lot has changed since then.
> 
> To begin with, once we moved from Texas, where I had lived since birth, I put on a lot of weight- got up to 170. I blame it on primarily depression, but the depression turned out to be caused by my birth control I had started a couple of years before. I'm totally an emotional eater, so when we moved to a new state with no friends or family around, I felt sad and lonely- thus, I ate.
> 
> ...


I am going through my own internal battle about my marriage failure right now but the one thing I can say about my STBX is that he never made me feel unattractive despite my weight and I was heavier when I first met him than I am now. He may have lied every time but he always made me feel pretty and never gave ultimatums about physical appearance. He always supported my weight loss efforts. Did I feel less than attractive when I found him on porn and dating sites? YES! I felt like he was lying to me but he never showed me any other indication that I may have been unattractive. 

My self esteem has always been very low d/t my childhood experiences and remains low as a result of his action throughout our marriage. I think I was young and didn't feel as though I deserved better treatment. I know it is so hard because I am currently living with my own heartbreak right now but make a decision to find yourself and eventually someone you deserve once you have healed. I hope to do the same but right now it seems impossible.


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