# So confused, yet not confused at all.......here's my story.



## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

* Got your coffee? Good, because this post will probably end up being pretty long, like most of the intro posts in this forum. I will do my best to keep it readable, and am looking forward to feedback from you. I have been creeping around for a few days, reading posts (the Seriously.. post should really be made into an an advice column series to help just about everyone going through something like this) and really falling in love (faux pas? lol) with the feelings of friendship and family so many of you share with each other. I wish so much I had found this place weeks or even a year ago. With no further ado, here's my story.*

My husband, C, and I have been together for 8 years, and married for 6 of them. We have two children together, our son is 5 and our daughter is 2. 

Our relationship has never been what you would call smooth sailing. I know every couple has rough spots, but ours were long, really tough, and not spaced very far apart. This was due to both of us having had rough childhoods, almost no family, and trust issues. 

First a little background on C. His real dad died when C was 2 years old. C's mom married again, and C's stepdad hated him. C was beaten, ridiculed, forced to do manual labor, and not allowed a social life at all. He was the black sheep of the family from a very early age, and was only made worse after his mom gave birth so C's brothers from his stepdad. C ran away from home at 18, soon got into illegal activity. He got married, had a son, divorced, got a new girlfriend, left her, got out of the illegal ****. Both of these women screwed him over BAD. If you want details, just ask but I am trying to make this intro post not QUITE a novella, lol. He was living in NC, his folks were here in MT. He ended up calling his mom at a low point, and they moved him up to MT. This is where I come into his life.

I was 19 and single. Living in my own apt after my boyfriend had broken up with me and moved to a different state a few months before. My background: have been through abuse in the physical and emotional forms from boyfriends, dad was emotionally abusive alcoholic, history of sexual abuse, mom has had very serious health issues since 1997. 

I meet C, we hit it off right away and my female need to help him totally takes over. We fall in love quickly. Issues with his folks force him to hop a bus to GA only 2 weeks after I met him. Luckily, in that amount of time I helped him family members from his bio dad's side that live in GA. Two months after he left, I follow. MT girl never traveled further than 250 miles by herself before was tackling a cross country drive to GA to be with my love. Well, car broke down anyway so I bussed it from SD to GA and lost my car and all my belongings when they were stolen in SD when I was en route to GA. 

Two months after we had been in GA together, and 4 months into our relationship, he proposed. He felt pressure from all angles and wasn't ready, he says now, but he proposed 4 months in and I was elated.

Bad friends and lack of trust based on past relationships (on his part) found me on a bus by myself bound for MT less than a year later. BUT then he moved back to MT a couple months after thatr, and we reconciled and I moved in with him, his brother and brother's gf, and a mutual friend of theirs. In an attic apartment. His brother never liked me, and was always causing issues. I was treated like crap there. His brother got a $10,000 settlement from a car accident, and I was the only one who had to get a job and pay the bills. That were in his name. They 4 others who were living in the apartment found a house to rent, and moved. C decided he needed time, and all my stuff was left behind the day they moved. I stayed in the apt by myself for a month, then got a different and better apt with a girlfriend of mine. C and I were still together, and I stayed with him on the weekends (he had the basement to himself, I never even had to see anyone else there). C got sick of roomates, and rented a house for himself. I moved in with him.

We lived in that house when we got married. Small JP ceremony, but we were official after a little more than 2 years of being together. I was pregnant when we got married, but hadn't found out I was pregnant until after the date was already set, we saw no need to change the date because I was only 4 months along when we married.

Fast forward time >>>>

Moved to another house (same town) before our son was born.

Moved to next town over (my hometown) 50 miles away.

Moved to a different house for cheaper rent.

Got pregnant and our daughter was born 6 weeks early by emergency c section. She spent 43 days in the hospital that was 270 miles away from home. (no issues, everything is great with her now)

<<<<<<<<<

It is now January of 2010. C's xgf sends me a message on FB, saying she wants C to get a hold of her regarding signing over his parental rights and ending cs. (this is not his son by his 1st W, but a child that he was tricked into by his xgf). He is skeptical for good reason. We do some digging and it turns out his xgf is up on charges for sexual abuse of a minor among other things for having an ongoing sexual relationship with her bf's son. The kid was 16 years old when charges were finally filed. The state of NC had actually TAKEN all of her kids, and were pushing custody on the respective fathers. C felt he had no choice, and made a few trips to NC. I, in truth, reacted very badly to the situation. I told him I didn't think I could handle it, it would probably ruin our marriage to take this kid in. We were led to believe the child (8 years old at the time) was autistic and possibly violent. C and I ended up pitted against each other instead of supporting each other. He ended up telling me we were done over the phone in April of last year.

I went out and got myself a FWB less than a week later. It wasn't intentional at all. I went out to have a few drinks and blow off some steam, ran into a guy a used to be friends with, and **** happened. Worked out pretty perfectly because it was strictly sex, neither of us wanted anything emotional out of it at all. Got together, got our rock off, that was it.

C ended up finding out it was an option to let the child be adopted out, and he decided to go for that option. He told me he had a change of heart and wanted to come home. He ended up leaving everything he owned in NC to come back by my birthday, which was what I told him. He got here ON my birthday, and I was shocked. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

C allowed my FWB relationship to continue. I believed the non-emotional aspect of it would help me reconnect in an emotional way with C, and he was willing to try anything to make us work. C and I were also at the time exploring new sexual avenues, and we thought we could both handle another member of our sexual life. C had no interest in finding a FWB for himself, but was involved with mine on certain levels. They were 'friends'. They worked in the same field. C would take and send pics of me to OM with his and my own phones, gave him toys to play with me, and even had discussions with him on what I like and how I like it. One time even brought OM home from the bar and they BOTH had fun with me for a few hours. C's had a few rules. No swallowing his spunk, no kissing or anything that could be construed as 'romantic' in style, and C was to know about everything that happened between me and OM. I broke the spunk rule a couple times, apologized my ass off and was even 'punished' by C. Never broke the other rules at all.

Things are going ok for me and C. Not perfect by any means, because when he ended it before somehow I let myself check out really quickly, and I was having a helluva time getting the love back for C that I had had before. He was trying so hard. He basically worshipped the ground I walked on, bought me gifts, was a sweetheart a lot, and was just about every womans's wet dream. I ate it up. He had treated me like hell for years, making me pay and prove myself, testing me over and over again for his exes misdeeds. I felt entitled, like I deserved to finally get the queen treatment from him. I totally took it for granted. C has always been huge on freedom of choice, and won't tell me I can't do something, even another man. Now, at the same time he was telling me that everything was fine, he could and would give me all the time in the world that I needed to rekindle my love for him, he was not going anywhere. I took it to heart. 

I didn't start falling in LOVE with C again until he started showing signs of not being ok with the arrangement with OM anymore. As soon as that happened, I ended it with OM. C got angry, said he didn't want me to end it because he didn't like it but wanted me to end it because I didn't want it anymore. I told him I didn't want it anymore BECAUSE he had problems with it, but that argument wasn't good enough. But, either way, it was done.

A month after that, C and I got my stepdad to watch the kids so we could go out. We went out, played some pool, had a couple drinks, but it was boring. I wasn't ready to go home, but he headed there anyway. OM starts texting C. We end up going back out to the bar, meeting up with him, and bringing him back to our apt for a couple more beers. I go upstairs to pee, come back down and there is porn on tv. They are giving me **** about how I'm 'trying to be good'. Yep, happened again. Round #2 for the 3 of us, AFTER I had already ended our side thing we had going on.

Two weeks later C moves out. Said he had been thinking about it but that night was the straw that broke the camel's back. He doesn't trust me, doesn't know if I was telling him the truth all the time because there was never any 'verification' to tell him that I was. He doesn't know if he wants our marriage to work, is living with his brother, bro's wife and their 2 kids back in the town we used to live in, 50 miles away. I started falling in love with him all over again when he showed me that he did indeed have a backbone and actually didn't want me to be with someone else. 

I know I probably left some things out, but this got long enough for now. As you can see, I am not going to hold back, If you need or want to ask any questions to understand anything better or know something else, just ask. Please ask. I need help/advice/friends so bad right now.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

So he called me a little bit ago, out of the blue to see how the day was going and chat. I was thrilled! And now I am crying. He told me about getting in contact with an old friend of ours, who had been talking about moving back to the town C is in now. While I was on the phone with C I decided to look on our friends FB page to see if he said anything about why he might be moving, because I know he has a baby on the way. The first thing I see when I look at his wall is a post from a girl that C and an EA with years ago, when him and I were having issues. Back then I basically made him stop all contact with her, and he DID eventually understand why I did that, though at first he resented me for it. The wall post to our friend from her was just 'hey........give (our last name) my number or give me his..hi btw'. I was still talking to C when I saw it, and asked him if he talked to her. He said no, I told him about the post, he said he would let me know if he talked to her. I asked him if he was really excited to talk to her, and he said well she never was a bad person, and he is curious as to why she wants to talk to him, why? I said if I told him why it would bring us into the marriage discussion and neither of us wanted that, but I do know that she pretty much hates me. He said that apparently a lot of people there (where he is living) never liked me at all, and I told him I know that and it's because I hated it there, didn't like most of the people in that town and I was a *****. Seeing that wall post made my heart jump into my throat and he knows why. He agreed that he knows why and again told me he would tell me if he talks to her. Kinda freaking out here..........


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You guys both went into this with a lot of baggage and a few really weird but strict rules. 

You aren't OK with his former EA, but your FWB was ok but then later a big fight.

I feel like there is a lot that needs to be sorted out here. I think if you are serious about making this work, get into MC.

I don't think either of you knows how your are hurting the other person, what the rules of engagement are, or knows yourself well enough to know what you want from all of this and why and what that looks like.

What do you want out of all of this? Do you want to settle down and marry C? What does he want?


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

anx said:


> You guys both went into this with a lot of baggage and a few really weird but strict rules.
> 
> You aren't OK with his former EA, but your FWB was ok but then later a big fight.
> He's all about freedom of choice. He would never tell me I couldn't so something (including FWB apparently) whereas I was more of the opinion 'I'm your wife, this is making me very uncomfortable and it needs to stop'.
> ...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you are religiously inclined, pick up "love must be tough".

You are asking for a big change from the past from you H. 

He is going to be confused especially after all this stuff with the FWB. 

He may decide that he doesn't really want that. 

Vows are meant to keep us together in hard times and bring us back towards whats right. Whats been right and wrong and been all over the place in your story.

My MC story is in my profile. I'll PM you a story of a better man than me who is still on these forums.

I wish the best for you. Post any other questions or updates and I'll or someone else will respond.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

He totally turned her down. She even offered 'not just for one night?' and he said no. He says his crush on her is long over, and he feels nothing for her but friendship. Also said he doesn't want to complicate his life by doing something like that.

We have been communicating well, have even had sex a few times. Nothing emotional, no kisses but he will hug me before he leaves. We talk about almost everything, and are completely honest with each other. All in all I thought things were going good between us, at least they could have been a LOT worse.

Then this morning, H lost his job. He hadn't worked for a couple weeks due to an injury. There was also drama involved with his boss and another employee. Technically he had a week of sick leave immediately followed by a week of administrative leave. H called in to work this morning, he had been to the ER last night (extreme tooth pain/problems) and was still in pretty severe pain. They let him go. His job here in town was the reason he was able to watch the kids when I work in the evening. H was responsible for half my car payment and my car insurance (as opposed to helping with household bills, we agreed on this). I deliver pizza for a job, I HAVE to have my car! Feeling pretty f***** right now, have no idea what to do right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I want to second reading "Love Must Be Tough."


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I wish there was advise I could give you. Hopefully these troubles bring you closer together would be the silver lining. So much of marriage is about helping someone else in these times. People get hurt, sick, etc and by yourself its not possible to pay the bills, eat, and live sometimes.

Your husband should be able to get unemployment.

Are your parents or something else an option? 

If you are religiously inclined, find help there too.

Best of luck and i'll send prayers your way.


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