# Can an incomplete marriage ever satisfy?



## jonmon (Jul 12, 2009)

I seem to have it all regarding my marriage, a great looking, smart, charming woman who is a wonderful wife. We are both very respectful of one another and both care for one another.

But I do not feel satisfied by being with her. This means that even though things are great on paper, I do not feel like she completes me. I don’t have any hard feelings, its just that I do not feel satisfied by being with her. I have had these feelings for most of our 3 year marriage. Does anyone share this same feeling?

Please opine. She urgently wants to start a family and I am having major concerns.

Thank you for you help.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Until you're satisfied, happy, sure...do NOT have kids! What are you using for BC? Just tell me it's not the rythm method! Or pulling out!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I do not believe marriage is supposed to complete you, that notion is romance TV nonsense.
Mariiage is supposed to give you a life partner. Your supposed to work to complete yourself.
Unrrealistic expectations abound about marriage and that it completes someone is one of those fallicies.


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## Sunday D (Oct 15, 2010)

what part is not complete..that is the burning question?..if it's sexual then get to work!...you must dirty talk and make her feel submissive to you..this will turn her on so much you wont want to stop..in turn she will give you what you need..it takes a man to open a woman up!..after that she will do everything with out complaint..if however you don't feel complete because of other reasons..you must discuss it!..you are wasting her time and more importantly yours!..why we do this dis service to ourselves is beyond me..it will never get resolved unless you discuss your concerns..write them down and go for it..you have no kids therefore nothing to lose..no holds barred..go man go!


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## confused27f (Oct 15, 2010)

I feel the same way. My husband and I have our share of past issues...serious issues. However, currently things have been smooth sailing. He's a great guy - thoughtful, hardworking, respectful, intelligent, etc. I just don't feel attracted to him personality wise or looks wise. I thought about it and I never was, not even in the beginning. I started dating him when I was 19 and I was not initially interested in him. He kind of grew on me and I was attracted to his thoughtfulness, stability, etc. I am a passionate person who believes in living life to the fullest with no regrets. I feel empty in this marriage. Sure, on paper, it looks great and sure, I could stay in it and lead a decent life but not be truly happy. He wants kids as well. We've gone through IVF and miscarried 2x. I'd love kids but not with the way I'm feeling. I've gone to see a therapist and talked openly with my husband about the way I'm feeling. He's in total denial and does not feel that separation or divorce are an option. I am so confused. I LOVE him...truly, deeply care for him as a person. I just do not feel any spark - emotionally or physically. I am an idiot for getting married with reservations but I made a mistake and can't go back. I just don't know how to go forth with this. I hope someone can help us both!


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## confused27f (Oct 15, 2010)

oh geez! I just realized that this post is ridiculously outdated! oops


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## Sunday D (Oct 15, 2010)

oh well if its outdated..ya know what ..you have hope!..you have no kids so you must move on..you must find the strength...you could even get pregnant with another man in a different situation down the road..It will only hurt for a year or less you will have no regrets..
and you will no longer be confused


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

preso said:


> I do not believe marriage is supposed to complete you, that notion is romance TV nonsense.
> Mariiage is supposed to give you a life partner. Your supposed to work to complete yourself.
> Unrrealistic expectations abound about marriage and that it completes someone is one of those fallicies.


I agree with this sentiment, mostly, only disagreeing b/c I think to some extent it's an unrealistic expectation to expect for marriage to be about compromise and mutual respect, but mostly just b/c so few people seem to have realistic expectations.

(hello world)


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## lifezup (Aug 7, 2012)

Although this post is quite old and i happened to stumble upon it... and its exactly about the situation that i'm into.
So i thought of posting my views.
When i read "jonmon" & "confused27f" ... it was as if someone was writing about me.
I've the same prob ...I've been married for over 6 yrs with one kid... although I love my wife because she's such a nice person and i really care for her ... i'm just not in love with her ... i dont feel emotionally or physically attracted to her ... I always get these urge to find someone who I can fall in love with..but when i think of the prospect of leaving my wife... i just retract... because I just cant leave her ...she has been so nice to me ... I got married in haste due to family pressure and I didnt really evaluate my chemistry with her before marrying her ... this was the biggest mistake i did .. so that makes me feel even more guilty wen I think of leaving her ... because why should I penalize her for my mistake.

I'm just hoping that i'm able to get over this feeling of incompleteness inside me so that it doesnt bother me anymore. Otherwise I really dont know what to do ...

I would like to hear about "jonmon" & "confused27f" .. if they happen to visit this post ..which is quite unlikely though...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifezup... if you want input to your issues it's best if you start your very own thread. People will respond here to the OP or not at all because of the age of the OP(original post).


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## Viktorija (Aug 7, 2012)

omg. I feel the same way as people who wrote here. I have a nice husband, hardworking, caring and stable but I'm not really attracted to him as a person or physically... I married him at the moment because of my green card (I told him openly that if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be ready for marriage at all. I said that even though we are married it's just because that is the only way I can stay in the country legally. And that we should behave like we are in a relationship, not in marriage. If our relationship would last so will our marriage. But I'm seriously ready to get out of this but have no idea how. I do not want to break his heart.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Viktorija said:


> omg. I feel the same way as people who wrote here. I have a nice husband, hardworking, caring and stable but I'm not really attracted to him as a person or physically... I married him at the moment because of my green card (I told him openly that if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be ready for marriage at all. I said that even though we are married it's just because that is the only way I can stay in the country legally. And that we should behave like we are in a relationship, not in marriage. If our relationship would last so will our marriage. But I'm seriously ready to get out of this but have no idea how. I do not want to break his heart.



There are no words to describe......:lol:


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## Viktorija (Aug 7, 2012)

I really don't get what is so funny. 
My post might look shallow but maybe I didn't explain situation very well. I met my husband just one month after coming into the USA in March 2008. We are from the same country,culture, we speak the same language and are close in age. I'm 29 and he's 27yo. At that time (right after coming) I didn't plan on staying or living in the USA ( I left a boyfriend back in my country to wait for me!!) where I came as an exchange student. I had student Visa valid for two years but planed to stay just one year. But when I met my future husband I fell in love with him. At the moment of my wedding (December 2009) wasn't ready to marry and commit for spending a life together but wasn't ready to leave the country and leave him forever either). So I decided to stay and marry him. (the only reason we married is because my papers would expire in the next couple of months and he didn't wanted me staying illegally. I didn't wanted that either. So instead of being in a relationship and figuring things out along the way, I'm suddenly in a marriage that works (he is a good guy and a good husband I can't complaint regarding anything) but...something deep inside me is lacking...he is good looking guy and that what attracted me to him even before we even get a chance to talk...later he impressed me with his hardworking habits and being always in every occasion a real gentlemen and agenerous man but.....something is missing and that something is killing me...
I feel like ungrateful *itc**, like psycho.....like person that actually doesn't now what she wants in her life. I know I mean a world to him, he uses every chance to show and tell me that, I'm just afraid I'll break his heart if I ever leave him, but if I stay neither of us will be happy in the long run...

...And please if there is still something hilarious in my post, just let me know which part...I could use a good laugh myself:scratchhead:...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Viktorija said:


> I really don't get what is so funny.
> My post might look shallow but maybe I didn't explain situation very well. I met my husband just one month after coming into the USA in March 2008. We are from the same country,culture, we speak the same language and are close in age. I'm 29 and he's 27yo. At that time (right after coming) I didn't plan on staying or living in the USA ( I left a boyfriend back in my country to wait for me!!) where I came as an exchange student. I had student Visa valid for two years but planed to stay just one year. But when I met my future husband I fell in love with him and at the moment of my wedding (December 2009) wasn't ready to marry but wasn't ready to leave the country and leave him forever either). So I decided to stay and marry him. (the only reason we married is because my papers would expire in the next couple of months and he didn't wanted me staying illegally. I didn't wanted that either. So instead of being in a relationship and figuring things out along the way, I'm suddenly in a marriage that works (he is a good guy and a good husband I can't complaint regarding anything) but...something deep inside me is lacking...he is good looking guy and that what attracted me to him even before we even get a chance to talk...later he impressed me with his hardworking habits and being always in every occasion a real gentlemen and agenerous man but.....something is missing and that something is killing me...
> I feel like ungrateful *itc**, like psycho.....like person that actually doesn't now what she wants in her life. I know I mean a world to him, he uses every chance to show and tell me that, I'm just afraid I'll break his heart if I ever leave him, but if I stay neither of us will be happy in the long run...
> 
> ...And please if there is still something hilarious in my post, just let me know which part...I could use a good laugh myself:scratchhead:...


The is nothing funny in your post. The person who posted a :lol: was actually reacting to you saying that the only reason you got married was to stay in the country. Your first most makes it sound like you took advantage of a man to stay here and now you want to dump him.

If you want to save your marriage, and it sounds like you should give it a very good try, please look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Your feelings can be rebuilt. 

Could you answer some questions?

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two doing things like talking, going for walks, dates (no tv or movies).. things where you can talk, hold hands, cuddle, etc?

How many times a week do you two have sex? How is your sex life (w/your husband)?


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## Viktorija (Aug 7, 2012)

uffff.....I can answer but you wont like my answer. He is a truck driver (self- employed, he owns a semi-truck). Works Monday (sometimes leave house Sunday night) - Friday( sometimes comes home Saturday if he has a Saturday morning delivery). He is a workaholic. And is very ambitious to save up some money and buy us a house for cash.I work full time on Saturday (10am-6pm) and Sunday (10-5pm). So the time we have for ourselves is literally Sunday night. During the week I drive kids around for one wealthy family (afternoons) and go to school in the mornings. We do talk on the phone a lot an hour for sure often two or three a day...We do communicate. We also went for vacation in February(week) and we just came back from our country last week. I stayed 1 month, he joined me and stayed 2 weeks and we came back together. I have no one here in the States except him. He has his family here (dysfunctional but still a family). I'm starting to be nostalgic, I have no much friends here (my fault, I'm not extremely social person) and my husband is starting to be in a way not very interesting for me anymore. I think in case we had more time together I would be bored....I feel trapped.

we have sex on Sunday night. He initiates...I apsolutely have no wish, but he is extremely unhappy and sad if we have no intercourse so whatever ... I try to make him happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Viktorija said:


> uffff.....I can answer but you wont like my answer. He is a truck driver (self- employed, he owns a semi-truck). Works Monday (sometimes leave house Sunday night) - Friday( sometimes comes home Saturday if he has a Saturday morning delivery). He is a workaholic. And is very ambitious to save up some money and buy us a house for cash.I work full time on Saturday (10am-6pm) and Sunday (10-5pm). So the time we have for ourselves is literally Sunday night. During the week I drive kids around for one wealthy family (afternoons) and go to school in the mornings. We do talk on the phone a lot an hour for sure often two or three a day...We do communicate. We also went for vacation in February(week) and we just came back from our country last week. I stayed 1 month, he joined me and stayed 2 weeks and we came back together. I have no one here in the States except him. He has his family here (dysfunctional but still a family). I'm starting to be nostalgic, I have no much friends here (my fault, I'm not extremely social person) and my husband is starting to be in a way not very interesting for me anymore. I think in case we had more time together I would be bored....I feel trapped.


Well, the problem is not your husband. It’s that the two of you spend no time together. 
To maintain the passion/love in a relationship a couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together by themselves… just the two of you doing things that are fun.
The two of you are working yourselves to exhaustion and killing your love for each other. The problem is both of you, not just him. You cannot blame this only on him.
How much pressure do you put in him to earn more money? Just wondering.


Viktorija said:


> we have sex on Sunday night. He initiates...I apsolutely have no wish, but he is extremely unhappy and sad if we have no intercourse so whatever ... I try to make him happy.


I can understand why you feel like this. It’s to be expected. You really do not have a relationship right now. Again it’s both of you.
Here are two articles that pretty much explain a good part of what is going on with you and part of how to fix it.
Oxytocin

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)

How many more years would your husband and you have to work like this before you can buy a home cash? What good is the cash for a home if the two of you are divorce?
You have a husband who is working like crazy to get you a house he thinks you want. Why not tell him that you spending time with him is more important than paying cash for a house? He could get a good down payment. Take out a mortgage and work less. The mortgage could be paid off more quickly if you two are smart, but not so quickly that it ruins your relationship.
You could perhaps reschedule your life so that you only work and go to school during the week. Then on weekends you could be off. He could make a point of coming home Friday nights. With that the two of you can spend Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together… like a major date every weekend. You would get more than the necessary 15 hours together. Your feelings for him and your wanting intimacy with him would come back pretty quickly if you do things that the articles talk about and that the books in my signature block talk about.
Now about you not having anyone. Do not hold this against him. Your lack or good friends is your fault, not his. Find things to do. Make friends. Set up fun things to do with your husband when he is around on the weekend. You could easily spend 15 hours together, get full l nights of sleep and do 1-2 social things every weekend.
Take a look at this web site… www.meetup .com Look for groups that do things that you and your husband like to do. Go join some of them. Go explore your city with some of them. I don’t know what is in your area, but I do know that here where I live there are a lot of good groups with good things to do.

What are you going to school for? How soon will you be done so that you can get a professional career going that pays more so that your husband does not have to kill himself?

You are married. It sounds like you are married to a good man. You can make this work, have passion in your relationship again. It’s up to you.


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## Viktorija (Aug 7, 2012)

It's our together fault. I'm aware of that. But there was a time when I was not working weekends (i started in Oct 2010) and he was doing tours to California and would not come home at all for a weekend. It was happening every month at least once. I would be bored and even if I went out with someone my weekend would be in a way ruined cause he didn't decide to stay home he decided to earn money instead. I would be furious, sad, and pretty much go through every kind of frustrated emotional state. But mostly keep all that to myself not to bother him with my complaints. After all he wasnt going clubbing he was working. Now I don't care. Last year or bit over a year I couldn't care less if he is away or not. Even if I spend time by myself I'm more then fine. 

This situation will be like this until summer 2014. Not much can be changed. By then I'll graduate and that summer we will be ready to buy a house if we are still together. And I'm absolutely not sure about this.

I know that spending time together is more important then running for money but when I was talking about that It didn't give some results. Now he is mostly home for weekends (or part of it) but I'm working and to be honest sometimes I'm happy if he is not home, at least I do not have to have a sex that I'm not crazy about. It takes me the last atoms of energy sometimes.

It's my fault that I dont have friends and that really bothers me. Im a normal person, but lately very unsatisfied and kind of a depressed probably so neither I want to make new friends neither I try to keep in touch with the ones I already have. That makes me very sad. But I'm not ready to talk openly about my situation with people (and somehow it always comes up) around me and I avoid them.

My husband is socially awkward and that is something I don't like. I guess cause of his job and maybe his kind of a introvert personality he is in a way socially isolated.

Thank you so much for all advices. Your last sentence is something that I actually repeat to myself as mantra over and over almost everyday. If it would just stick into my head! I'll open the books in your signature and I'll keep to think positive about my marriage. I just have to pray that whatever happens with this marriage happens for our own better.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I'm so glad to find this thread even though it's old. I thought I was the only person that married for the wrong reasons. And I would trade places with any one of you -- we've been married 32 years and don't have the option of starting over in our 20's or 30's.

We dated in high school, and like one of the previous posters, I wasn't initially attracted to H romantically -- just as a friend. And like the same poster, he "grew on me" -- I was very insecure, had low self-esteem, anxious, depressed, and convinced that no one else would ever be attracted to me. We got married at 23 after dating for 5 years -- I knew deep down it wasn't the right thing to do, but I couldn't imagine life without his stability and even disposition. 

It's not that we didn't have good times, and we have two grown children that amaze me everyday. We both gave our best efforts to the marriage, but I always have known that he loved me to death and that I didn't love him in the same way. I've had 32 years of guilt over this, and deservedly so. He has so many great qualities and deserved someone who felt the same as he did.

I've been wanting the marriage to end for the past 6 years. About a year or two ago I told him how I'd always felt. He said he wanted me to stay so we could take care of each other.

Now he has pretty much disconnected from me (again, I deserve it) and we're living like roommates. No sex in over 4 years. Separate sleeping arrangements. Pretty much separate lives. 

My advice to anyone who finds that they married for the wrong reasons is to imagine what it will be like when you're both 55 years old.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I'd like to add my 2 cents here. I'm glad I found a thread where people feel like I do. And I wish I could turn back the clock, because my husband and I have been married 32 years, and I've never loved him the way I should have or as much as he loves me. He deserved much better.

We're now pretty much disconnected and lead separate lives. At times I'd like to end the marriage, but realistically, at age 55 being single again doesn't make sense. And I took the vows knowing that I was doing it for security (like one poster said, he "grew on me"). He wants me to stay with him so we can take care of each other, but it's not a marriage -- it's all pretend. He doesn't seem to care, though.

So if you got married for the wrong reasons and are young, I'd say allow yourselves to find someone you're really in love with. Don't miss out on life.


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## Viktorija (Aug 7, 2012)

thank you for your post. it means a lot to me.


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