# Insecure wife is pushing me to the edge.



## ztsmith22 (Sep 18, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for 6 years and married for 4. We rarely ever fight and get a long great, until times that I am away for whatever reason, which is VERY rare. 

She is extremely insecure and has very low self esteem because of her extremely difficult past. Her parents divorced when she was in high school, and her father (she calls him dad, but he is not her biological father but he adopted her) took a lot of his anger for her mother out on her. She took a lot of emotional abuse from her father while growing up. She had her first child at 19 and did not stay with our oldest son's biological father at first. After our oldest was about 3 or 4 they decided to try to make it work (he was a military man and was gone quite often). During one of his trips back home, he killed himself by shooting himself in the head while she was in the house. She had to live with her father for several years with our oldest until we got together, in which she spent her time arguing all the time with her father and then going out every night to the bars to "get away from him", even though I know and she has partly admitted that it was because she "didn't get to go do what kids that age do because she had a child so young". She for the longest time did not have a relationship with her mother because she resented her for leaving her. About the time we got together she finally started talking to her again, and all of a sudden she was the greatest person in the world, even though I felt differently (she single handedly ruined our wedding by getting drunk and stirring stuff up between her son and other daughter). Regardless, she was the person she could talk to and get advice from, even if it wasn't always the correct advice in my opinion. Where I am getting at is I feel like she put her on a pedestal. Well, about 3 years ago she tragically died unexpectedly in a car accident. This kind of set the wheels in motion for my wife to not be able to cope with ANYTHING. 

Fast forward to us and our relationship. We are extremely happy 99% of the time, but any time I have been away without her (which is so extremely rare) we end up in an argument. I will just list a couple of example. A few months ago I attend a golf event with my mom, dad, uncles, and a couple family friends. We drove up on Saturday, golfed, stayed the night, then attended the event on Sunday and drove back that night. We I got home, I tried to give my wife a hug and kiss and tell her I missed her, and she pretty much blew me off, went strait to the couch, and starting tapping away on her phone like always. When I was texting her all day Sunday, she was short and snoody with me, like she always is. Her arguement during these times are always "you don't ever grab me and kiss me and make me feel wanted" even though that is exactly what I tried to do, and then after she snubbed me of course I don't really want to be around her or even try to grab on to her and kiss her like she says she wants. She doesn't understand that by acting that way she is actually pushing me away, but she still insists that "you should know that's what I want". We got in a huge fight over this, and I'm to the point where I am suggesting that "we" need help, even though I think with everything she has been through she needs to see someone for her issues more than anything, regardless I am completely on board with getting couples help to get things started. Any time I suggest this, she always talks about leaving and about just ending things and doesn't even consider seeking out the help. I'm afraid that she thinks if we were to get help, she would be the one to blame for all our issues, even though it would be for the best thing for our relationship. I tried to explain to her that I was anxious and stressed out the whole time I was gone because she was being short and snoody and that makes me worry for her. It is always about HER feelings, and how SHE feels when I am away and just in general, it is never about how she is making me feel by acting the way she does or my feelings in general. I am literally with her ALL the time. She doesn't drive, so literally the time I leave work I am with her and the kids. I NEVER get a chance to just get away and be with friends or anyone else without her around unless it is the once every month or so I go in a Saturday golf excursion. 

Jump ahead to last week. I had to go on a work trip to the west coast. We live on the east coast. I knew going into the trip how she was going to be, and of course was stressed out about it. I called her the first night I was there at a little music festival that me and one of my co-workers was at. As always she answers the phone short, annoyed like "feel sorry for me" tone of voice like she doesn't even want to talk to me. I told her what we were doing and that I would talk to her tomorrow after talking for a little bit. My co-worker and I indulged in some drinks while I tried to vent a little because I was extremely annoyed at this point. Of course my wife calls when we get back to the hotel room and can tell I had been drinking (which was early on the west coast, but late on the east coast where she is). I am already extremely annoyed at her, and she does the accusitory stuff she always does (she claims every guy she's been with has cheated on her, but I have never nor will ever, and I have stressed this to her MANY of times) and accuses me of hanging out with girls and being with girls so I hang up. She calls back and acts ****ty that I hung up so I hung up again. The next morning she calls me out and says "you knew about this music fest the whole time didn't you". I said yes, but I wasn't going to tell you until I got here because I knew how you would be and I didn't want to leave that way. So now of course I have "lied" to her, even though I fully intended on telling her, just not before I left. I of course spend the next 2 hours texting her to explain how I feel because I am fed up with it, and of course once again it is about her feelings and how she is feeling lonely while I'm gone. So we have spent my first day back from the trip barely talking because she acts the way she always does (and pushes away).

She always makes it about her feelings and how I don't listen or even acknowledge her feelings at times like these. This is the ONLY time that she has these complaints, because I am always there for her, she just takes it for granted. She says I never just grab her and kiss her for no reason, which I admit I am not the greatest at (we have 2 kids, both work full time jobs, and are extremely busy all the time) by still try my best to do, but the only time its a problem is if I am gone. She claims she can't talk about her mom's death to me, even though for the first full year at least I was nothing but supportive and an ear for her to listen too, and any time we indulged in some ****tails the night would end with her getting emotional and talking about it. After several several times of this I finally told her one night "hunny let's please not do this tonight". That of course offended her and makes it to where "she can't EVER" talk about it anymore to me. I have told her I am not a professional and that you need someone who knows how to deal with this to help you, I can only listen, and only listen so much (like I said, for at least a full year before it really got to me). I can't have a reasonable adult conversation with her about things that she does that bother me because she gets very immature, and always ends up saying she's a terrible wife and person all because of the way she was put down when she was younger by her dad. I try to explain to her that is not the case, but that "we" need help to get through this or else we won't last. 

I hate venting like this online, but I have had it, and just want to get other people's opinions and make sure I am not way off base in thinking our relationship won't get better until she get's help (even though she refuses to). Help!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She can't be reasonable, and won't get help. You know how she'll react when you return from a trip. Just listen, don't respond or defend, and she'll get over it, right? If she is unpleasant when you call when you're away - stop calling!, or cut the "conversation" short each time. She'll either learn that b1tching isn't productive, or get worse, and in that case you may have to let it escalate until even she decides outside help is needed. You can't placate an unreasonable person into rationality.


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## ztsmith22 (Sep 18, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> She can't be reasonable, and won't get help. You know how she'll react when you return from a trip. Just listen, don't respond or defend, and she'll get over it, right? If she is unpleasant when you call when you're away - stop calling!, or cut the "conversation" short each time. She'll either learn that b1tching isn't productive, or get worse, and in that case you may have to let it escalate until even she decides outside help is needed. You can't placate an unreasonable person into rationality.


I have tried the "just listen" route with her. She ends up getting all worked up and pissed that I don't respond or don't want to discuss, and the whole reason I don't want to discuss is because of how irrational she is when we do attempt to discuss.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

two solutions

a) she either gets help about her past or gets over it and gets past it

or

b) if it keeps effecting your marriage and she refuses to do a).......in time this relationship WILL be over.

Be honest about her with above.

*What happens to people is irrelevant. What they do with it and how they let it effect their CURRENT life and FUTURE is what matters.*

My wife had a difficult childhood as well and went thru similar things as your wife, she realized above in bold in the late 20s/30s and has really changed and made our life better. She did a complete 180 and has become the most amazing woman I know.

So the big question is, is your wife willing to move on, or live in the past and let it effect your current relationship.

Talk to her about all this, in a nice/calm way.

ALSO, ALL of my advice is under assumption that you are a great husband and your end is completely covered. As in, you show her love with action, affection and she is your priority when it comes to time dedication and all of that jazz.......

Look in the mirror and ask yourself "can I be a better husband" and if the answer is YES than work on that FIRST. Cause lot of times, that alone can address the problems you are dealing with.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You said you leave rarely. Then you go on to say you do it once a month, not that it's necessarily a bad thing - in addition you also go on work related trips such as the music festival. 

You also lied about the festival. How often are you lying to her? It doesn't matter if she is going react like a crazy person. Always tell the truth - that way she can't come back later saying you lied. That's just protecting yourself in the long run.

Also you married her knowing she was insecure. 

Does she get to leave for one weekend a month to just have a girl weekend or just a weekend to herself in a hotel? 

Just curious. Trying to get some more info before giving advice.


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## ztsmith22 (Sep 18, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> You said you leave rarely. Then you go on to say you do it once a month, not that it's necessarily a bad thing - in addition you also go on work related trips such as the music festival.
> 
> You also lied about the festival. How often are you lying to her? It doesn't matter if she is going react like a crazy person. Always tell the truth - that way she can't come back later saying you lied. That's just protecting yourself in the long run.
> 
> ...


I don't LEAVE for a trip once a month, I go golf for 4 hours maybe once a month. The golfing doesn't bother her, it is the "overnight" trips.

The music festival was not work, it was something I was able to do while I was on the work trip. I never lied and fully intended on telling her about it, I just didn't tell her beforehand to avoid leaving for the trip on bad terms and coming home on bad terms as opposed to just arriving on bad terms (which was inevitable anyways). I never lie to her and she has never caught me in a lie of any kind.

She was not this way before we got married, at all. But then again, I was always by her side before we got married for the most part. I encourage her to do stuff like that, but she doesn't have many girl friends to be able to do that kind of stuff. If she were to do that kind of stuff it would be with guys, which she has done before, and I do not care about. Really before this year I haven't done anything like the golf event and work trip or done anything like go out with just my friends to drink or play cards. Her on the other hand has had the opportunity to do so (she went to a couple of concerts last year, went to a town close to us to drink and have fun with a friend of hers a couple times this year).


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## ztsmith22 (Sep 18, 2014)

I mean this is how bad it is. She point blank one night while arguing a few years ago asked what celebrities I think are attractive. I absolutely refused to tell her, telling her it is only going to make things worse. She wouldn't let it go so I told her one girl, one of the stars of our favorite TV at the time. Of course, the next couple of times we watched the show she was all quiet and weird and wouldn't talk or laugh, so to this day I have not watch a single episode of that show just because I don't want to deal with that crap.


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## ztsmith22 (Sep 18, 2014)

DoF said:


> two solutions
> 
> a) she either gets help about her past or gets over it and gets past it
> 
> ...


I am a good husband and father, and do everything I possibly can for her and my kids. I spend 99.9% of my life outside of work with them, so yes my time is dedicated to them. Like I mention above, I am not always the best at taking time away from my day to pull her aside and make her feel loved, but it is also not like I NEVER do.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ztsmith22 said:


> I am a good husband and father, and do everything I possibly can for her and my kids. I spend 99.9% of my life outside of work with them, so yes my time is dedicated to them. Like I mention above, I am not always the best at taking time away from my day to pull her aside and make her feel loved, but it is also not like I NEVER do.


That's fine, I had to throw that in as I simply don't know.

Improve yourself if you can and show her by example.

Other points I made still apply. Her past is effecting your relationship, if she doesn't get over it or deal with it.........it WILL be a wrap.

Talk to her about that.


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## ztsmith22 (Sep 18, 2014)

DoF said:


> That's fine, I had to throw that in as I simply don't know.
> 
> Improve yourself if you can and show her by example.
> 
> ...


And I guess that therein lies the problem. Any time I have even hinted at trying to get help or get over the past for the things she has dealt with, she breaks down, thinks I am attacking her, and immediately pulls the "well I guess we are just done then" without even considering pursuing help. Like I said, too immature to have an adult conversation with.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ztsmith22 said:


> And I guess that therein lies the problem. Any time I have even hinted at trying to get help or get over the past for the things she has dealt with, she breaks down, thinks I am attacking her, and immediately pulls the "well I guess we are just done then" without even considering pursuing help. Like I said, too immature to have an adult conversation with.


I've been there.

Ask her to read this page:
The Four Things That Kill a Relationship Stone Dead — PsyBlog

Tell her that when you talk to her on those terms, you are trying to be helpful and not attacking her.

Defensiveness HAS to end or your relationship is done.

Same for stonewalling!!!

It took my wife MANY years......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

perhaps she's not too "immature" to deal with things appropriately. Perhaps she's too badly damaged and hurt to stomach opening that closet door. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

ztsmith22 said:


> I try to explain to her that is not the case, but that "we" need help to get through this or else we won't last.


Listen - I understand the frustration that these kinds of issues can bring, especially when they are repeated over-and-over again with certain predictability. You have, however, stated that everything is great 99% of the time. If that is true than why are you focusing on the 1% and why would you ever say what your above quote says? "We need help or we won't last," how in the world is that going to help with security?

It is true that the two of you could probably benefit from speaking with a counselor, but what couple couldn't? What practical steps have you taken to show your wife that you want to find help as a couple to strengthen the relationship, not to threaten divorce? Have you suggested counseling and followed that up with a call to a counselor? I am not trying to downplay how this affects you, nor am I saying that this is not an issue that should be dealt with, but I am saying that the best way to suggest help is from the perspective of strengthening the good thing you already have. The threat of divorce isn't the best motivation for change because it sounds like manipulation.

I believe that you love your wife. I believe that there is frustration that gets the best of you from time-to-time, but I also think that taking a step back and looking at the whole picture could be very beneficial. There are some awesome books that could help you and your marriage: "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerich, and "Fight Your Way To A Better Marriage" by Greg Smalley. Taking a proactive step to helping your wife and showing that you are committed to her no matter what, can pay huge dividends. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your wife does sound needy, but don't kid yourself. Failing to tell her about something until you're gone because you don't want to deal with the reaction is absolutely lying, so please take ownership of that. Now she knows that you can't be trusted and she will always wonder what you're not telling her, which allows her to focus on that and deflect her own responsibility.

Was your coworker female?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ztsmith22 said:


> I mean this is how bad it is. She point blank one night while arguing a few years ago asked what celebrities I think are attractive. I absolutely refused to tell her, telling her it is only going to make things worse. She wouldn't let it go so I told her one girl, one of the stars of our favorite TV at the time. Of course, the next couple of times we watched the show she was all quiet and weird and wouldn't talk or laugh, so to this day I have not watch a single episode of that show just because I don't want to deal with that crap.


You are definitely not alone. In my time on this forum, I have heard several other men describe the same problem. Funny thing is, you can turn this to your advantage, and get out of things you don't want to do. Don't want to visit your in-laws? Tell your wife how attractive her mother is. Don't want to see a particular movie with her? Tell her how incredibly hot the main actress is! 




ztsmith22 said:


> And I guess that therein lies the problem. Any time I have even hinted at trying to get help or get over the past for the things she has dealt with, she breaks down, thinks I am attacking her, and immediately pulls the "well I guess we are just done then" without even considering pursuing help.


On a more serious note, it sounds like your wife shares a common misconception. She probably thinks of marriage counseling like a courtroom (think of "Judge Judy"), with the counselor as a judge who tells you which side is right and which is wrong. But that's not their job. Instead of trying resolve one dispute on the table, it's their job to help you both develop better communication skills so you can work these issues out on your own without getting into terrible fights. Maybe if you framed the purpose more along those lines, then she would be more amenable to it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your wife does sound needy, but don't kid yourself. Failing to tell her about something until you're gone because you don't want to deal with the reaction is absolutely lying, so please take ownership of that.


Not by any common definition of the word. 

Lie - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary

*lie*

intransitive verb
1
: to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive
2
: to create a false or misleading impression


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

And that's exactly what he did - created a false and misleading impression by not letting his wife know he was going to a concert in addition to his business meeting. Asking for forgiveness rather than permission is a crappy way to carry on a relationship, IMO.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Why would you leave your wife for a weekend away from her?

He went without me... Why? Why is she not invited?

Insecurity for a woman like her is normal... Any child growing up in a anxious/avoidant attachment style is going to feel insecure with his/her spouse...at least in the early years of marriage. I was like that. What helped me to become more secured? My husband is always there when I broke down or when I needed him to prove his loyalty and love to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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