# Empathy, anger, and an EA



## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

As most of these stories go my wife and I have had fairly tumultuous marriage – coming on 10-years. We have two little girls together and her son from a previous relationship, who I think of as my own. For the most part, I have always thought that I had done the best that I could with the knowledge that I had. This included fully supporting my wife financially, being an excellent father, and trying to be a good husband. I did what I thought was best by being the provider and strong role model for my kids. What I didn’t do was really keep my wife as number one in my life, I didn’t hold her in the highest regard that I should have and I see now that I didn’t meet her deepest emotional needs. I thought that providing for her and taking care of her was enough. I can say that I could also be emotionally abusive at times, but have always tried to work on it, but not enough. I guess I thought that providing for her and my family was enough. I showed her that I loved her by doing for her.

Role back 7-months ago and I found out that my wife was having an EA with a co-worker – again, a common theme on this forum. Of course I was devastated and tried to figure out my role in it. I have been actively pursuing counseling and have grown a lot over the last 7-months and have identified what was missing in our marriage and the mistakes that I have made. I am a changed man and will continue to grow to be a better father and husband and am committed to counseling.

When I first found out my wife and I went to counseling and I realized the depth of her feelings for the OM, and that they were based on her need for emotional support. The OM was also married and by her own submission was not her type. However, he seems to have a hold on her. After I found out about the EA, she agreed to take two–months off of work and see if things with us would improve and over that time they did, but I always knew a part of her was still missing. Due to her need to have financial freedom for herself, and obviously her need to be near this OM, she went back to work. I agreed in principal as long as things didn’t deteriorate and we continued to work on our marriage. I also know she needed to learn to set boundaries with men for herself. Fast forward to a month ago and I could see the signs that it had blossomed again. They never met outside of work and there was nothing physical – I know this because we are at the last straw and there is no reason now for her to hold anything back. On Thursday I gave her the ultimatum, quit the job, send a no-contact letter and we may still be able to work this out. She agreed and did both of those things. Over the last weekend as our marriage was in turmoil and she was hurting she decided she would stay with a girlfriend for the weekend. This friend is also a fiend of mine and wants the best for the both of us, as any true friend would. So my wife tells me she is going to go to a party with another girlfriend and her cell phone is dead, she will call me later to say goodnight. Something is not right and her friend agrees. Through some work I find out that she made plans to see the guy that night to say one final goodbye. Of course I fly off the handle, go to where they are, and end up losing it and breaking my hand on a door – I showed restraint with that one. We end up in a heated conversation and we think we are headed for a divorce. It turns out that she told him they needed to have no contact while she was still married but left the door open for the future. Her bags were packed on Sunday and I thought we were done. Until we sat down and looked at our family and what we had to lose. I am also at a loss because I know she is still in the affair and is lost in the confusion of that. We have agreed to a couple of counseling sessions to see where to go from here. I am torn by my love for my family, my need to fix things that I did wrong, and my anger at her for breaking our marriage vows. I am also confused as I can understand why she got caught up in this but not why she can’t stop. She evens says that there is no way that she would be in a committed relationship with the OM and it was just about the excitement and feeling good around him.

That is most of the story as of now and I was hoping for some insight from those who have been there if there is any hope to move forward from this, either with my wife or without her. I truly want to keep my family together but only want that if my wife is truly my wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First and formost she needs to end ALL contact with OM, until she can get a crip around that, you guys are at a stand still. You will have a hard time reconnecting with your wife, if she is still connected with the OM. There is alot more to this affair stuff, so get as much info you can and get the knowledge to fight this affair by reading some of the great sites that are linked to this one.

Good luck


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## a0330v (Oct 17, 2010)

Dear Frustrated 001,
I most certainly feel your pain, this is not an easy situation for anyone to handle and you have already come a long way by admitting that some of the issues stem from you not meeting her emotional needs. 

She herself admits that she could never be in a committed relationship with the OM, but she likes it because he makes her feel "good." The reason why she can't break away for the affair is right there. She is still not getting from you what she needs so she is getting it somewhere else. I understand that you have come to terms with the fact that you didn't meet her emotional needs in the past and that is your opportunity to take what you have learned from your behavior and use it in the present. 
Even though it must be very hard for you to give her those compliments, that intimate attention and affection she needs that in order to feel "good and excited" around you. You probably constantly think about her and the OM and that will automatically make you want to touch and compliment her less, but your mental focus is 100% in your control. 
Instead of picturing everything that has been less than perfect in your marriage over the last years, make it a habit to continuously think about a moment when you remember yourself feeling intense love, appreciation and sexual attraction to your wife. 
This ALWAYS works when I'm frustrated with someones behavior:
Picture the exact moment when you felt intense love and attraction to your wife, see it in your mind and feel how good that feels. Do that every time you catch yourself thinking about the OM and that will change your attraction and love for her tremendously.

Also I do these 7 Steps to keep my relationship at it's best:
1. Love yourself
- 1 hr of exercise a day to get your body in shape and feel like a man again
- Eat a healthy diet rich in veggies and low on meat, fat and sugar. This will make you much more emotionally staple (hormone levels get out of wack by eating too much meat/fat/sugar/salt)
2. Pursue your personal goals passionately
- weather that be excelling at work, getting into a new industry, fixing up your car etc. Nothing is hotter than a man on a mission
3. Min 1 night/week with the boys
- meet up with your friends only and have a guys night. You need that to miss your wife
4. Min 1 compliment/words of love every day
- say I love you
- Emails/Texts/Calls
- Compliment her every day
5. Be intimate every day
- weather that be kissing/groping or all the way doesn't matter, just touch her in a sensual way that shows you desire her
6. Min 1 date/week
- go to that place you always wanted to try or go to one you know she loves. The planning is all you, make a night out of it to reconnect with her.
7. Min 1 trip/6 months
Just the 2 of you for min 1 night. That can be a carride or a plane ride away, as long as you get 48hrs to yourselves, your love will skyrocket


PS: If you feel like your anger is bubbling up do this:
Lay down/sit comfortably.
1. Breathe in through your nose on one count, make sure you are breathing into your stomach, not your chest (if you aren't sure if you are breathing right, place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach, your chest should be almost still while breathing in)
2. Breathe out through the mouth on 5 counts (simply count to 5 while you are breathing out)
3. Do about 5-10 repetitions and it will remove your anxiety.

Your relationship is meant to be fun, so make it fun! If you want to, tell her about the 7 steps, but it might also be fun to just see how she reacts. As soon as you display that affection, love and commitment every day, she can't help but give it right back. 

You can do it, good luck!


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