# Not Sexually Attracted to My Wife



## barstuck (Apr 18, 2015)

My wife and I have dated for 12 years but have been married for the last 2. She is pretty, loving, responsible, loyal, gets along with my friends/family, and is just an all around good person. When I go down the list of qualities that I want in a spouse, my wife has a majority of the attributes that most expect in their significant other. We're both successful in our perspective careers, financially secure, have no history of infidelity, and get along with each others' families.

When we decided to get married, our primary reason for this was to start having children and provide a stable family unit for them. I'm in my late 30's and my wife is in her mid-30's. Because of her age, my wife is biologically under the gun to have kids within the next few years. Unfortunately, I'm having problems contributing to this because I am unable to get sexually aroused by her. Over the past 3-4 years, I assumed that I had an ED issues or low libido due to that fact that I'm working 50-65 hour weeks. I've been trying to get over this problem by taking ED pills and psyching myself up to finder her sexually attractive.

Throughout our relationship, the sex has been average at best IMO. Historically, I've been a giving lover in this relationship, but have never been fully satisfied with her. She has HD and is willing to do anything to please me. We have discussed activities to help her better cater to my needs, but the fact that I've had to "tell her what to do" complete turns me off. I made a very bad assumption that I would be able to get over this inability to get aroused by enjoying the friendship that we have, getting back into great physical shape, and taking ED meds. After all, I still like holding/kissing my wife. I also love her for her companionship, willingness to make things work, and ability to appreciate my busy work schedule.

Over the past 5 months, we have been arguing about petty things for weeks at a time. We try to mend communications and hurt feelings once each of us cools down, but the fighting has exasperated my lack of attraction for my wife. Recently, I spent an evening at a friend's house sharing ****tails and conversation with a physically appealing woman who came on to me. This gal was someone I've known (on a platonic level) for a few years, so I didn't expect our conversation to go anywhere beyond what goes on in the friend-zone. The conversation escalated beyond that, and I basically discovered that I could be aroused by the simple fact that a decently attractive woman showed interest with light flirting and touching. When things started getting too hot, I shutdown the situation before it could progress to anything physical by mentioning that I wanted to check up on my wife. Although I'm glad that we didn't proceed any further, I am also sad that I can't feel this way with my wife.

I don't want to be the reason why my wife misses her window to have children. She and I also deserve a more fulfilling sex life.

Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do about this issue? 

Thank you for your time.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Do not, I repeat do not add an innocent child into this mess. Why aren't you attracted to her? You need to figure this out. Intellectually, the attributes of the person we choose to marry look great on paper but if you're not attracted to her physically and have to take pills to stay in attention you have a big problem. Sounds as if you chose a great friend to be married to but was never "that into her". Evaluate that before trying to get pregnant and talk to your wife, if she really wants children she needs to figure out what to do before the biological clock shut down.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Your marriage has serious problems. Having a child is not something you should be doing.

You are not attracted to your wife, this is a major problem, she does not turn you on, and you COULD be on the verge of straying.

I think you need to seriously consider staying in this marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

maritalloneliness said:


> Do not, I repeat do not add an innocent child into this mess. Why aren't you attracted to her? You need to figure this out. Intellectually, the attributes of the person we choose to marry look great on paper but* if you're not attracted to her physically *and have to take pills to stay in attention you have a big problem. Sounds as if you chose a great friend to be married to but was never "that into her". Evaluate that before trying to get pregnant and talk to your wife, if she really wants children she needs to figure out what to do before the biological clock shut down.


He didn't say anything about it being a physical thing. Just wanted to point that out.

What I understood from this is that he'd rather she took the reigns in the bedroom a bit more, and I can understand that. Although OP does say that his wife is willing to do anything, at the same time, he has to tell her what to do. This would be a buzzkill for me, too. I'm neither dominant nor passive in the bedroom, and neither is my wife. However it sounds as though OP's wife is probably on the passive side. Maybe she WANTS to be told what to do (or at least guided). My wife and I have a good balance of both. Neither of us wants the other to just lie there while we do all the work.

OP, if it's not a physical thing for you, then it's mental, and that is overcome a little easier I think.

I don't think you said anything about communication in your post, so I'd start there. If you are tired of having to guide your wife in the bedroom, then tell her that. Ask her to be more dominant or aggressive or to anticipate what you want a bit more.

As you said, she's willing to do anything in the bedroom for/with you, so I can't imagine she wouldn't make an attempt to be less passive as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You said you were a very giving lover but you follow that you're not completely satisfied with the sex. Those statements contradict each other. By your own admission, she's attractive, caring, willing, etc. If you approached sex as an opportunity to give her pleasure instead of a means to get something for yourself, you'd probably soon discover the experience would be far more satisfying for you, too.

Your wife, as wonderful as she is, isn't psychic. The only way she can possibly know what you prefer, is if you tell her. Your boss at work doesn't expect that you read his or her mind. You don't expect waiters and store clerks to read your mind. You've got a woman who actually cares about what you want and she's ready and willing to do her level best to give you all the pleasure you can stand... and you're not happy because you think you shouldn't have to communicate your desires to her? 
You really don't know how lucky you are. There's at least a one in five chance that you'll be married to someone who won't have sex with you. 
We all have to justify to ourselves each of our decisions and actions. Is it possible that what's really going on is you are attracted to this other woman and you're trying to talk yourself into leaving your wife so you can be free to pursue a relationship with her? You can't dump your wife for another woman without first convincing yourself the action is justifiable. Well, it's not. Your wife isn't denying you anything. As far as we know, she's not fooling around with any other guys. If she's guilty of anything, she's guilty of investing far too large a chunk of her life with you and guilty of settling when she could have a man who would adore her 1000%.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> You said you were a very giving lover but you follow that you're not completely satisfied with the sex. Those statements contradict each other. By your own admission, she's attractive, caring, willing, etc. If you approached sex as an opportunity to give her pleasure instead of a means to get something for yourself, you'd probably soon discover the experience would be far more satisfying for you, too.
> 
> Your wife, as wonderful as she is, isn't psychic. The only way she can possibly know what you prefer, is if you tell her. Your boss at work doesn't expect that you read his or her mind. You don't expect waiters and store clerks to read your mind. You've got a woman who actually cares about what you want and she's ready and willing to do her level best to give you all the pleasure you can stand... and you're not happy because you think you shouldn't have to communicate your desires to her?
> You really don't know how lucky you are. There's at least a one in five chance that you'll be married to someone who won't have sex with you.
> We all have to justify to ourselves each of our decisions and actions. Is it possible that what's really going on is you are attracted to this other woman and you're trying to talk yourself into leaving your wife so you can be free to pursue a relationship with her? You can't dump your wife for another woman without first convincing yourself the action is justifiable. Well, it's not. Your wife isn't denying you anything. As far as we know, she's not fooling around with any other guys. If she's guilty of anything, she's guilty of investing far too large a chunk of her life with you and guilty of settling when she could have a man who would adore her 1000%.


:iagree: with (almost) all of this.

The one variable to this, that I have in my life, is that not all people want to be TOLD what to do, and his wife may very well be like that. But the rub is that OP's wife is also very passive (it seems) in bed.

It took me several years (!!!) to figure things out like this about my own wife, and honestly, it's still somewhat of a work in progress. Sex is constantly evolving and changing among two partners, and what once was status quo 10 years, 5 years, or even 2 years ago, has evolved and changed over time.

What my wife liked 6 years ago is not the same as what she likes now, and I've personally had to recognize these facts over the years. On occasion, she's had to bluntly tell me. Other times, I've picked up on it myself. And I'm not talking about positions or certain acts, I mean the general dynamic of HOW we have sex.

A good example: when my wife and I started dating, and well into our second year together, she was much more aggressive, sexually, and also more open to me being aggressive. We had a good rhythm going, and it worked for both of us. I think, honestly, we both let go with each other in ways neither of us had with other people before us, and it was exciting. But even that becomes status quo after a while, and it's not as exciting and as reckless as it was once. So the dynamics changed over time, but I had to catch up to her. We went through some down times, then we get back on the same page, then some more down times, and so on.

Our sex is not the same as it was 6 years ago, 4 years ago, or last year. Yes, this is partially a product of having sex with the same person, over and over, but it's also personal growth and changing tastes, and many other dynamics and lifestyle changes.

The trick to a healthy long term sexual relationship with a partner is to change and grow with them, not apart, and not to remain static. It has to go both ways, though. There have been times where my wife and I have not been on the same page at all, and we've both had to recognize that we have to come together to maintain a good sexual relationship. It's give and take, and compromise.

Whereas 6 years ago, my wife was thrilled at having sex that lasted longer than 5 minutes (which was apparently the norm for her for far too long), she's now happy with 5 minute sessions every now and again. Whereas 6 years ago she loved the fact she could have 4, 5, 6 O's per session every time, now she only wants 1 every now and again. Whereas 6 years ago she was absolutely willing to perform oral on me every single time we had sex, often as a way to finish me, she now doesn't do so every time if she doesn't want to. And it's fine. I have things I'm not into anymore, either, and things I like now that I didn't like then. 

Sex changes, whether we like it or not. We just have to recognize when it does, communicate to our partners, and above all, compromise. I'm wondering if OP's wife is not a little bored. Perhaps it's been the same sex for 12 years, and she's wondering by OP hasn't picked up on it yet, which is why she's seemingly going through the motions. "Sure, I'll do whatever you want me to, to please you, but you have to tell me, okay?" while secretly wanting him to do this or that.

Yes, she'd need to communicate this to him, but perhaps that's just not in her nature. I have a wife like that, too, so I have to read the signs, read between the lines, and sometimes outright ask her. But it works, and things tend to even out. I just have to personally recognize a lot of these things on my own and adjust accordingly, as my wife is generally not the type to communicate with me about them.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Hey honey...could you suck my peen (!)...ummm...thats nice but if you nibble me just there it would be ahhhhhh....yes.

In better marital days I used to have to tell my wife what I liked her doing to me (she did very little, thinking most was simply disgusting)...she NEVER remembered yet I always remembered what she liked me doing to her (very little).
It peeved me off too and was one of the nails in the coffin/casket of our relationship. 

Neither am I surprised that another woman managed to turn him on when his wife can't. 'new' is exciting!

Like the other posters on here...please do not have a child with her.
If things are 'bad' now they will only get worse when you have a child.

However, it is your marriage, your decision. If it really doesnt bother you that your wife no longer turns you on and you would be quite happy bringing a child up in a perfectly loving, caring but sexless marriage then go and have treatment...they can 'milk' sperm out of you!

Good luck!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She fits all the checkboxes for a good relationship, but you knew all along that the passion was missing. Marriage was a mistake - even maintaining the prior relationship so long under these conditions was a mistake, IMO. Sadly, it's a common mistake, and there's little - sometimes nothing - you can do to create passion where it never existed. However, it's not hopeless.

I suggest you read the linked article and see if it fits you, and perhaps you can pursue some of the ideas to see if you can create the passion you are lacking.

An interview with Dr David Schnarch - The Sex Therapist


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have been married to at least one woman who didn't find me particularly physically attractive and it wasn't fun. Both would have done me a huge favor by having the integrity to leave. Your trash is someone else's treasure.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Part of the problem is she's so eager to please that you sound like you take her and her HD for granted. 

I also have to ask do you watch a lot of porn? As this could greatly effect your relationship.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Don't pursue pregnancy until you sort this out. 

If you don't think it is possible to sort this out, then you owe it to your wife to end the relationship now so that she does not forfeit the opportunity to have a child.

A few questions:

1. Do you have any kind of sex drive at this point, or is it just your wife that doesn't turn you on? 

2. You mention work. Would you say you have high anxiety? If you have generally lost drive, would you say it might be related to anxiety or stress?

3. How is your physical fitness level? Your wife's? Has either of you gained a lot of weight in the past couple of years?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree with Alexm that you are a male submissive, and she is a female submissive. No wonder there are not sparks. The charges are the same.

Google male submissive, or male sexual submissive, and see if the descriptions fit you. 

Sorry to say, this sort of sexual orientation is not likely to change, unless you each have the capacity to also be switches. You would probably be happier with a domme. 

Like the others have said, do not get her pregnant before you two figure this out.


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## barstuck (Apr 18, 2015)

melw74 said:


> Your marriage has serious problems. Having a child is not something you should be doing.
> 
> You are not attracted to your wife, this is a major problem, she does not turn you on, and you COULD be on the verge of straying.
> 
> I think you need to seriously consider staying in this marriage.


I'm considering moving out for a few months to figure out if it changes things. We are always together so much, i havent spent more than a week or two without her. Although I've never felt truly satisfied with the sex, I used to find my spouse attractive.

Thanks for your response.


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## barstuck (Apr 18, 2015)

alexm said:


> He didn't say anything about it being a physical thing. Just wanted to point that out.
> 
> What I understood from this is that he'd rather she took the reigns in the bedroom a bit more, and I can understand that. Although OP does say that his wife is willing to do anything, at the same time, he has to tell her what to do. This would be a buzzkill for me, too. I'm neither dominant nor passive in the bedroom, and neither is my wife. However it sounds as though OP's wife is probably on the passive side. Maybe she WANTS to be told what to do (or at least guided). My wife and I have a good balance of both. Neither of us wants the other to just lie there while we do all the work.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. You are right in that she is way too passive. The last time I brought this up, it hurt her feelings. Like you, I'm neither dominant or passive and have no problem being either one. I just don't want to be dominant all the time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

barstuck said:


> I'm considering moving out for a few months to figure out if it changes things. We are always together so much, i havent spent more than a week or two without her. Although I've never felt truly satisfied with the sex, I used to find my spouse attractive.
> 
> Thanks for your response.


You've taken over 12 years of her life and your plan is to take a few more months? You ought to know by now which side of your toast is buttered. You should have known that two years into this thing. There is some place on this earth where your heart, mind, and body can all agree and you can live with integrity. If that's not with the woman you have, do her a favor and leave..for real. If she isn't your cup of tea, cut her loose. She would be the answer to some other guy's prayers and you're not only depriving her of being totally loved, you are depriving some other poor sap from receiving all her devotion that's been wasted on you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

barstuck said:


> Thanks for your reply. You are right in that she is way too passive. The last time I brought this up, it hurt her feelings. Like you, I'm neither dominant or passive and have no problem being either one. I just don't want to be dominant all the time.


You sound like a switch. Read about it and share what you learn with your wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it sounds to me that you married her for reasons other than intense sexual attraction. it sounds to me like you married her for 'practical' reasons, and kind of 'settled'. No 'head over heels' like the movies.

That is not necessarily a bad thing. People successfully marry for 'practical' reasons all over the world every day. It might be good to remember something you already know, which is that love is not a feeling but a commitment. By that, I am not suggesting you stay married to her. I will not make a judgement on that because I can only see a small window into you marriage.

But, having said that, I would suggest marriage or sex counceling before leaving.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

she's a pretty girl by your own assessment. i think you could possibly become attracted to her again with the right guidance.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds to me that he wishes to put his wife on the back burner, give this other woman a go, and if that doesn't work out, he intends to return to his reliable backup.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Were you truly turned on by her in the beginning, or do you think it was just the newness that made sex ok in the beginning? 

Did anything change in your dynamic that caused the lack of attraction?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he were head over heels for this woman, it wouldn't have taken him 12 years to get a ring on her finger.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

barstuck said:


> I'm considering moving out for a few months to figure out if it changes things. We are always together so much, i havent spent more than a week or two without her. Although I've never felt truly satisfied with the sex, I used to find my spouse attractive.
> 
> Thanks for your response.


I think that is a good idea. I also agree with the pp 12 years before you decided to marry her?? that does tell me something.

Like i say i do think that moving out is the way to go. You also do not find having sex with her satisfying, and its sounds like its not something new as you said NEVER been truly satisfied with the sex either...

Why did you not think about all this before you married her?... Its all really strange to me.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do not marry someone you aren't attracted to. it isn't fair to them.
Do not have kids with someone you aren't attracted to. it isn't fair to the kids.
If you aren't attracted to your partner / spouse, tell them. Now would be the best time. 

You may find that all your problems disappear once you are honest. Because a person with any self-respect won't want to be with you after you tell them. Problem solved. If you don't have the guts to cut the cord, have the guts to tell them the truth. Then they can cut the cord for you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I'm in my late 30's and my wife is in her mid-30's. Because of her age, my wife is biologically under the gun to have kids within the next few years. Unfortunately, I'm having problems contributing to this because I am unable to get sexually aroused by her. Over the past 3-4 years, *I assumed that I had an ED issues or low libido due to that fact that I'm working 50-65 hour weeks.* I've been trying to get over this problem by taking ED pills and psyching myself up to finder her sexually attractive.


Have you actually looked into your ED at all? Maybe you do actually have some underlying health issue that is exacerbating the problem. Have you had your testosterone level checked? How about your overall health - weight, blood pressure, heart? When was the last time you had a physical?

Just saying, flirting with a woman you just met doesn't mean you don't also have low testosterone and/or blood pressure issues that are causing your ED and lack of desire. Getting excited while flirting doesn't mean you'd be able to get an erection if you were trying to have sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree with JLD, you're a sexual submissive and so is your wife. Except, you're also passive aggressive and blame her for your displeasure due to her needing you to be less passive and more dominant.

I also agree with NoraJane, you might have a T problem or thyroid problem and are blaming those issues on your lack of attraction to your wife.

I think you need therapy to figure things out. I think your passive aggressive tendency is clouding your ability to truly assess your marriage. Even a sexual submissive gets horny enough to get things rolling. Even a man with low T or thyroid can see the problem being with him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If he were head over heels for this woman, it wouldn't have taken him 12 years to get a ring on her finger.


Unless he was a passive, passive aggressive man. Waiting for her to bring it up. Passive, passive aggressive man=sexual submissive in hiding.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Seems like he managed to be action-oriented at this gathering where a new woman was in attendance. Sounds like pretty quick work to me.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> Have you actually looked into your ED at all? Maybe you do actually have some underlying health issue that is exacerbating the problem. Have you had your testosterone level checked? How about your overall health - weight, blood pressure, heart? When was the last time you had a physical?
> 
> *Just saying, flirting with a woman you just met doesn't mean you don't also have low testosterone and/or blood pressure issues that are causing your ED and lack of desire. Getting excited while flirting doesn't mean you'd be able to get an erection if you were trying to have sex.*




very good point


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anon Pink said:


> I agree with JLD,* you're a sexual submissive and so is your wife.* Except, you're also passive aggressive and blame her for your displeasure due to her needing you to be less passive and more dominant.


 On this note...your lover styles could be causing some issues... I speak from the standpoint of .. as the wife I am the more aggressive over my husband.. we are a GOOD match -even if a little backwards compared to the norm....

I've tried to get him more aggressive...just to shake things up.. it's just NOT who he is... 

Here is a *Lover style test* to see if you are both "submissives".. (wanting to be pursued)...

******* | Take The Lover Style Profile Test




> ....*These 1st 4 Lover Styles prefer their Romance & Love to be "TRADITIONAL" rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary*...
> 
> *1*. *The Classic Lover*- you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

barstuck said:


> Thanks for your reply. You are right in that she is way too passive. The last time I brought this up, it hurt her feelings. Like you, I'm neither dominant or passive and have no problem being either one. I just don't want to be dominant all the time.


I'm in the same boat, and have voiced my issues here.

I have learned to suck it up, so to speak, and make the best of the situation (which isn't really all that bad to begin with).

I have a wife who is willing to do almost anything with me, and for me (she has her limits, but they are few and far between). If it means I have to initiate as well as take the reigns, so be it. I'm still having great sex.

BUT, I do get the feeling of not having a partner who does what she wants with you. That IS nice now and again. I really wouldn't mind an imbalance in this dept., it doesn't have to be 50/50. But I would absolutely love for my wife to have her way with me now and again while I don't have to worry about this or that. For me, it's about being desired. For her, she shows her desire to me by being open and willing to do whatever I want. I'd prefer she show her desire by being aggressive occasionally.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm in the same boat, and have voiced my issues here.
> 
> I have learned to suck it up, so to speak, and make the best of the situation (which isn't really all that bad to begin with).
> 
> ...


Count me in on this too...at least the initiation part. My wife is extremely passive when it comes to initiation, but once things are going, is a very eager and active participant, and will do pretty much anything I want. 

For me, her aggressively initiating would be a strong show of desire. For her, showing her desire is having awesome sex 12 times a week any way I want. I'd gladly cut that frequency in half if it meant she was occasionally aggressive.

Ahh...first world problems alex...having wives that'll do what ever the hell we want when ever we want it...but damn...to feel desired in the way I want to feel desired...


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Count me in on this too...at least the initiation part. My wife is extremely passive when it comes to initiation, but once things are going, is a very eager and active participant, and will do pretty much anything I want.
> 
> For me, her aggressively initiating would be a strong show of desire. For her, showing her desire is having awesome sex 12 times a week any way I want. I'd gladly cut that frequency in half if it meant she was occasionally aggressive.
> 
> Ahh...first world problems alex...having wives that'll do what ever the hell we want when ever we want it...but damn...to feel desired in the way I want to feel desired...


I didn't know men felt like that. Is that you want to be controlled by her? As in role-playing since it's not part of your wives personality. Does it take away some of the mystic if you have to tell her and she does it or is it something that you want her to come up with on her own to surprise you. You want to be ravished by her.:ezpi_wink1::ezpi_wink1:


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

My reading --

Having a HD partner can be a real problem, specially for a male. It really takes out that 'hunter' feeling, which is so important for a guy to get a sexual high.

I've had a couple of HD partners. You feel hunted yourself, and their desire for sex can be off putting.

But wait for this -- in one case, my HD partner turned into LD herself. This, together with the availability of online porn, made me horny for her. By this time, she had turned LD. Not getting sex when you want it makes it more desirable...

You wife should give you less of it, and you'll perhaps want it a lot more!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> I didn't know men felt like that. Is that you want to be controlled by her? As in role-playing since it's not part of your wives personality. Does it take away some of the mystic if you have to tell her and she does it or is it something that you want her to come up with on her own to surprise you. You want to be ravished by her.:ezpi_wink1::ezpi_wink1:


Nothing quite so complicated 

It's as simple as if we are laying on the couch, start touching in an overtly sexual way, if we are laying in bed, get on top of me and start taking off clothes. The most overt and aggressive initiation right now is her being completely naked laying across the bed. There is also a huge difference between asking "Do you want to have sex?" and saying "I want to have sex."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> For me, her aggressively initiating would be a strong show of desire. For her, showing her desire is having awesome sex 12 times a week any way I want. *I'd gladly cut that frequency in half if it meant she was occasionally aggressive*.


Then why don't you initiate half as often and explain you'd like her to overtly initiate the rest of the time? In other words, why DO you have sex 12 times a week if it is you doing the constant initiating and you would rather that not always be your job?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

maritalloneliness said:


> *I didn't know men felt like that. Is that you want to be controlled by her?* As in role-playing since it's not part of your wives personality. Does it take away some of the mystic if you have to tell her and she does it or is it something that you want her to come up with on her own to surprise you. *You want to be ravished by her.*:ezpi_wink1::ezpi_wink1:


Yes men feel like this.... example...something I read in "Sheet music" touched on it...comparing 2 men >> 

"Ted wants his wife to be the sexual aggressor. He loves it when she pushes him over & jumps on top; it's the most thrilling thing he's ever known to watch his wife actively take part in the sexual act and actually work to find the postion where she receives the most stimulation. And when she's expressive about how good shes feeling , Ted can barely contain his excitement". ...This would describe my husband 100%



> *brownmale said*:
> *Having a HD partner can be a real problem, specially for a male. It really takes out that 'hunter' feeling, which is so important for a guy to get a sexual high.
> 
> I've had a couple of HD partners. You feel hunted yourself, and their desire for sex can be off putting.*
> ...


So thankful my husband never felt LIKE THIS when I had a sex drive increase....that could have did us in !

We talked about this a # of times...He has never been one to ENJOY *"the Chase"*....he needs to FEEL *my want* to be there-even in the beginning, oh he's pursued without this.. but it's not as thrilling trying to catch me -compared to the other ...... I did a thread in the Men's clubhouse once - but deleted it thinking HE sounded too "strange" after reading so many posts by the men...... 

What I learned is MOST men seem to PREFER "*Subtle*" (not so much aggressive) from their women....as this leaves them feeling that "Hunter" who caught his prey, it ups his ALPHA , his dominance in the sexual ...

Now If I was matched with a man LIKE THIS... (Oh that would be fun too!)...but his being* turned off *by MY coming on to him....this would not be working so well for me.. I would have to PUSH a part of who I am & what I flirtatiously want BE & express in the moment *DOWN* ...in order to turn him *ON*....I'd be greatly frustrated with that....I wouldn't like it...

He initiates too, it's just that I feel I have the freedom to turn him on -anytime I want...working that up.. 

It's been interesting for me coming to this forum, because I landed here wanting HIM to be more aggressive with me (like what is his problem, other men do this easily!!) but the more I read, the more I realized --what you are saying Brownmale ..and it confirmed how perfectly we are matched.. so I needed to shut up...count my blessings!

Our fantasies can give insight to how we are naturally wired so I think...I've always had some about taking the shy inexperienced man down... and giving him the time of his life.. and what turns my husband on... JUST THAT sort of scenario ! ...his fantasies are the women coming after him !...This fires *his jets*.. this works for me!


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