# End of 9 years?



## one of many (Jun 19, 2011)

Me and my husband got married 6 years ago, we've been together for 9. While we got along well, there were issues with communication, so we never discussed issues in our relationship, they always got put aside (but not resolved). Over the years our sex life went down hill, we would have sex once a month and that was just to have something, there were no emotions. We both fell out of love, did not respect one another and have not spent time together as a couple (if we did lot of times it ended in a fight)

5 days ago I tried calling him as he was out all day, I got no answer. He finally answered his phone and said he was with a girl and will be home soon. I was devistated. He came home at 1:30 and said our relationship is not what a married couple's relationship should be. He no longer loves me as a wife, only as a friend or sisted and we should end the relationship. 

The next day I told him that I have not been happy either and as we talked it seemed it was the same things we did not like in our marriage. I asked him to give us at least one chance to try to talk about the issues and work on our marriage. He said at this time he can't he doesn't feel the desire to fix us. I also asked about the girl he as with, he said this girl started talking to him a few days back and he had realised what a realtionship should look like between a man and woman. I asked if he intends to keep in touch with her and he said yes. I was heartbroken. He said he needs some space to think us over and decide if we can still work as a couple. The next few nights he was out with this girl. 2 nights he didnt come home, one was last night so I asked him to move out ASAP as I can not handle knowing my husband is out having a relationship with someone, so he agreed and left today. 
I feel like I lost him as he has someone who makes him happy right now and our long broke relationship can't compete with something new. He said he needs 2 months to think things over and see.. I'm preparing myself for the worse, but still hopeful. Do you think he truly is considering or just trying to put me down gently? (I know he still cares a lot for me)


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## jamchick (Mar 16, 2010)

communication is my big issue with my husband right now as well. I have tried talking to him about things I need from him, and things that hurt me in our relationship but he doesnt really listen. I wanted to go see a counselor but he told me he doesnt have time to and doesnt really want to


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. There is a really good website that deals with infidelity. It's survivinginfidelity.com and is free just like this sight but focuses only on infidelity. Check it out.

You are in a tough situation. He is having fun with a new girl and he's got you waiting at home. This is not the dynamic that is going to get your husband back. He's being a cake-eater right now and you can't allow this to happen.

My advice is to file for divorce to let him know you are not going to wait around for him. You don't have to go through with it, but at least file the paperwork.

I would also stop all contact with him. He doesn't get to enjoy a girlfriend and a wife at the same time. That is BS.

Then focus on making your life as good as it can be. Go out, start a new hobby, get in shape, or spend time with good friends and family who can give you support. Do not beg him to come back, don't plead with him to choose you. That NEVER works. 

You have to show him that you are moving on with your life, and you really have to be doing it. This will make him realize that he's going to lose you. If he loves you, he will get his head out of his arse and try to work on things. If not, you are already moving on anyway.

You can't work on your marriage when your husband is cheating. It doesn't work. Let him miss you. Let him think about losing you forever. If it doesn't bother him, then that's your answer. But you have to have boundaries and him cheating is a deal-breaker.

Before you cut off contact, I would tell him that you deserve better than how he's treating you and that if he doesn't want to work on the marriage now, that's his choice but you are not waiting. Tell him that if he won't give up the girlfriend, you are filing and have nothing further to say to him. Then file and cut off contact. If he smartens up and drops the girl and gets serious about saving the marriage, he will contact you to let you know. And what he learns is that he can't push you around. This is so important! 

You waiting around for him to "make up his mind" just shows him that he can cheat on you, leave you, and that you will take him back with no negative consequences. You have to draw that line in the sand!


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## Pleione (Jun 17, 2011)

I am so sorry about your situation and all I can say is be strong and try to think about what you feel is best for you. He clearly did.

I don't really know if I'd call it cheating since he was at least openly honest about his feelings and what he wants. He directly said he doesn't even want to try to repair things and would rather take his chances with the new girl. Why wait to see if he changes his mind two months from now? Take this time to find out what you want out of your life. 

I'm not going to tell you to file for divorce or separation because I feel that's a devastating decision, but in some cases it may be for the best. If he's absolutely positive he wants this, let him. If he decides he made a mistake, would you honestly take him back after he's had his fun? It's a lot to think about.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_He finally answered his phone and said he was with a girl and will be home soon.

_I can't wrap my mind around that. If I heard that it would turn Biblical. Come on, he told you to f^ck off, in your own house. That is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever heard. He's not serious about your marriage. He's trying to provoke you to do the leaving for him. 

_and said our relationship is not what a married couple's relationship should be._

...Because he's with skanks and 'ho's. He's with other 'women' of course you can't have a married couple's relationship. 

If you see any future in this, he has to end the skankery and he has to be HOME. Being HOME is the least you can demand from a husband when your marriage is floundering. He has GOT to have a 'come to Jesus' moment or you're finished as a couple. And you know it.


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## one of many (Jun 19, 2011)

I know, thanks for all the response and suggestions. I spent my first nigh alone and I'm scared of the days. I work from home which is boring even with a spouse who comes home at the end of the day. Now it's nothing. I read into midlife crisis last night and I'm not sure if its a good thing or not, but I'm sure that's what he has.. hope he'll come around.. Before he left he said to me all will be fine, if we truly love each other we'll know and get back together and if not it wasn't meant to be.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The affair has probably been happening a LOT longer than he told you. He told you she just started talking to him a few days back, but I don't buy it because he has spent the night with her already. 

Find out who she is. If she has a boyfriend or husband, TELL THEM. 

I wouldn't agree to a two-month separation. You need to get TOUGH right now. Tell him you will NOT wait for him for two months whil he carries on his adulterous affair and are done RIGHT NOW. The reason for taht is if he knows he can have you at the end of thw two months, there is no incentive. He gets to keep his sidepiece and his wife at home. Gross. Put a stop to that thinking of his.

Oh and as for him telling you he sees how a real relationship should be with a man/woman...don't listen to him. He is in the high of an affair, "the Fog"--all waywards talk like this and think a relationship is the high at the beginning when we all know that the real relationship does not begin until the blinders come off. But it's not your job to point that out to him. 

Call him today and tell him you have been thinking about what he said and you do not agree to his 2-month proposal--not while he's having an affair. Tell him you would consider a separation provided he's not involved with someone else, but since he is, you have no reason to stick around.

YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT.

Ruffle his feathers. Everything he is doing serves HIS interests, not yours. 

Stand up and be tough. The weaker you are the more you stick around--the worse your chances of reconciliation will be. Promise. 

Get busy. Do some exercise, meet up with friends, get a new shirt. Start treating him like it's over. Take the control back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> [/I]I can't wrap my mind around that. If I heard that it would turn Biblical.
> 
> *...Because he's with skanks and 'ho's*. He's with other 'women' of course you can't have a married couple's relationship.
> 
> If you see any future in this,* he has to end the skankery*


:rofl::rofl::rofl: Runs, you crack me up.


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## one of many (Jun 19, 2011)

Well, things change so fast around here, I just logged onto his email and read real hearlfelt love letters between the 2. I also found out the OV is a $100 hooker! Use to be $100 and one of the email says price might go up because of hard times?? I can't beleive this... he's buying love.. amazing.. who takes off with a hooker?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is "the OV?"

OneofMany--TODAY go and get teste for STDs. STAT.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

So he's writing love letters to a hooker? Change the locks and get tested.


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## Wishful Thinking1 (Jun 20, 2011)

I am sorry your marriage did not work out. I suggest you move on with your life. Do not put your life on hold while your husband has moved on and is already sharing a bed with some one else. There are other fish in the sea and as you said your marriage was already over. Enjoy life you only have one life to live.


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## one of many (Jun 19, 2011)

I know. I totally lost all sympathy I had for the situaltion. I have booked myself to see a doctor already. As much as I wanted to save us yesterday, today I see things different and I'm attcually stronger, and very clear on what I have to do. Thank God we didn't have any kids, I always had a strange feeling in my mind this (or something like this) would happen and I was right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

one of many said:


> I know. I totally lost all sympathy I had for the situaltion. I have booked myself to see a doctor already. As much as I wanted to save us yesterday, today I see things different and I'm attcually stronger, and very clear on what I have to do. Thank God we didn't have any kids, I always had a strange feeling in my mind this (or something like this) would happen and I was right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Jelly and Runs. 
Drop this loser and move on with your life! You're way better than this skank!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't give him the 2 months to have his fun and see if that's the perfect woman for him. Kick him to the curb and move on. If you allow him to come back, it'll just happen again later on and he'll need another 2 months and the cycle will keep repeating itself.


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## one of many (Jun 19, 2011)

Thanks for all you posts. It's been a rough few days. He came home a few days ago and we had a talk. He stayed for a day then left to move in with some friends to think things through. He said he is not leaving to be with the other girl as he doesn't want a relationship from her, but he doesn't feel happy with me and needs to think what he wants. I called him 2 days later and he was with her again discussing his concerns over his life. I'm prepared to let go, I've been reading a lot about midlife crisis and I'm sure that's what he has, but according to what I've read it could be months, even years before he can think normal again. I offered to save us, but have now realized there is nothing I can do if he wants to go. In fact, I should let him go.. Very hard, but what choice do I have really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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