# Platonic roommate instead of a married couple



## BellaInfamous (Nov 22, 2011)

I'm a new member to this site, I found it surfing around online and thought it would be a great place to seek advice. 

I've been married for 3 years after dating my husband for 6 months and being engaged for a year. We come from different backgrounds, he's a Conservative who comes from a VERY religious, large tight knit family. He was an admitted momma's boy. He didn't attend a public school instead was enrolled in the school at his families church (which everyone admits now was sub-par). He had been single into his early 30's and given up all hope for marriage. I on the other hand was in my mid-twenties and grew up in a military family where we constantly moved so I'm not as close with my extended family as he is. My parents raised me to be an independent thinker without any fixed views but leaning to the left. 

When we dated he was sweet and attentive.We went out all the time. Sex was great and often. After we got engaged we had to hide the fact that we lived together because he was concerned that it might disappoint his parents. Everything before the wedding was great.

After the wedding things changed. Our sex life dropped off completely. I'd want it and when I brought up the subject he'd complain I was nagging him. About a year into our marriage I lost my job and he totaled his car leaving me without one. I'm fine with the arrangement but outside of my husband and our church I don't regularly come into contact with people. When he comes home he just wants to watch tv and then go to bed. On weekends I'll want to do things and he'll lounge around the house wasting time only to rush me through my planned actives so he can go home and couch surf. I honestly feel like we're platonic roommates instead of spouses. 

I've talked to him about this repeatedly and things will get better for about 2 weeks and then it will go back to the way it was. Every time I say I want to leave, he'll beg me to stay. In May I had a very sort lived emotional affair with my ex who lives in England. I confessed to him about it and he said to forget about it and never talks about it. In the past 3 years I've tried EVERYTHING to get us back to how we were before we got married. 

I just don't know what to do.


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## BellaInfamous (Nov 22, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> Take care of you. You can't change him but you can do things to make life more interesting. Get a job, take a class, join an exercise group, for example.



The problem is I don't have a car and we live in a rural area without any public transportation.


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## BellaInfamous (Nov 22, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I'd probably be insisting he find a way to buy me a car (since he totaled it) or insist on moving. When he gets you a car, make sure it's insured.



I'm grateful for the advice but I don't want a second car. I'm not going to purchase one just so I can sit it in the garage. He totaled HIS car not mine but takes mine to his job. He earns more then enough money and I'm one of those rare women who WANTS to take care of the household. Also I'm not sure about the comment about insurance. We've never NOT had insurance. While I'm sure some people need to have two cars to be happy, we're not one of them. 

I was looking for advice on my marriage.:scratchhead:


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## BellaInfamous (Nov 22, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I also choose to look after the home and we have one car. So I'm with you on that.
> 
> My advice is related to your marriage big picture but if it's not what you are after, hopefully someone can offer something more along the lines of what you need.
> 
> Being home and caring for the household doesn't have to mean isolation and never going out though. You cannot change him so what do you need to make yourself happy?


Thanks for advice. Anyone have some advice about my *MARRIAGE?*


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

BellaInfamous said:


> The problem is I don't have a car and we live in a rural area without any public transportation.


Why did you give this answer?


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

BellaInfamous said:


> Thanks for advice. Anyone have some advice about my *MARRIAGE?*


Sure. Get a second car and get out of the house. Get a life and regain his interest. Right now he knows you are ALWAYS at the house where he can just come home everyday and look at you like he would one of his old shoes in the closet. Oh, there's those shoes again...exciting.

IF you get a life outside the house he will be interested in what you're doing, who you're with, what you did with them or where. You might pick up some new hobby or skill or interest that might inspire him to up his interest in you. In the least you will find something interesting to do with your time instead of spending your energy on worrying about some guy that likes to couch surf and ignore his wife.


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## spot10T (May 3, 2012)

I understand. I feel like this describes me and my husband exactly. We've been married less than 2 years, and it feels like we are just roommates. We don't fight much. I'm just bored and lonely. I don't want to divorce him because 1) I don't feel like I have a reason to divorce him and 2) I really do love him, and I want it to work. I'll be interested to see what other replies you get.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

BellaInfamous said:


> After the wedding things changed. Our sex life dropped off completely. I'd want it and when I brought up the subject he'd complain I was nagging him.





BellaInfamous said:


> Every time I say I want to leave, he'll beg me to stay. In May I had a very sort lived emotional affair with my ex who lives in England. I confessed to him about it and he said to forget about it and never talks about it. In the past 3 years I've tried EVERYTHING to get us back to how we were before we got married.
> 
> I just don't know what to do.


Your marriage first and foremost needs to get sexually and affectionately back on track.

Have you been to a marriage counselor (MC) or a sex therapist (ST)? I'd recommend those first off if you've not done so yet.

My wife and I are about to celebrate our 15th anniversary (in May), and for the first 12+ years of that we were pretty much just like you are. Roomates. In fact that's something we are still struggling through.

The biggest ray of sunshine has come as we started going to see our Sex Therapist about 4 weeks ago. In addition to that we started reading some books on the subject of marital sex.

The book we are currently working through is already helping (about half way through): Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books

I'd also recommend getting a book that I've not read yet, but understand the basics of: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Lang...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1336072417&sr=1-1

There's a website for that book here: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Take the test and have your husband do so separately. You both need to learn how the other most feels loved.


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