# I am happy with him but I am not happy here....



## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

How is it possible to be happy with a person and although not be happy with the place you live in...here I mean the country....and because he does not want to move and says he does not understand why I feel like this, I have decided to make the move myself....in the hope that he will follow( but I know there is a risk he won't)...


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

In my opinion I don't know if he loves me ( enough or at all) and I asked him how he feels about me, we've been married almost 12 years....he says he feels a strong bond towards me because of all these years together and because of our kids....
Is this love?????


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> How is it possible to be happy with a person and although not be happy with the place you live in...here I mean the country....and because he does not want to move and says he does not understand why I feel like this, I have decided to make the move myself....in the hope that he will follow( but I know there is a risk he won't)...


Why you think your husband should follow you when he's not respected?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> In my opinion I don't know if he loves me ( enough or at all) and I asked him how  he feels about me, we've been married almost 12 years....he says he feels a strong bond towards me because of all these years together and because of our kids....
> Is this love?????


More or less if sex is great.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Not enough.
> 
> Orgasms = Love
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I understand your post....

I think I know what I want to hear...and I do respect my husband, I did the same thing for him when he asked me, I mean I followed him here , having faith that this will be reciprocated...

I don't think a bond equals love though , but maybe people can stay married and faithful to each other because of this....but love is a feeling and I am not sure my husband feels it....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Ok I just read your other thread & I think I know where the real problem is...


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Our sex life is good, we both initiate sex and even during this period, when we have these arguments, we are still intimate with each other .


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I can't give any advice to anyone who doesn't love his/her parents-in law because I love my parents-in-law very much and I treated them as my own parents. If they need us, my husband is always there & I'm always there as well.

We can't communicate well because of language barriers but there's no emotional barriers between me & my parents-in-law.

Once again, I love them very much. When they're old & sick, I'm happy to take care of them no matter what it might take.

Here people just hire an experienced maid to take care of bed-ridden parents. It's not a problem for us at all. We just need an extra room for the maid, and an extra room for the parents. We are happy to support our parents.

If you don't love your parents-in-law, you're not a good daughter-in- law. Your kids are growing up & learning it from you. Yes, it affacted your kids badly! You're right! 

Your children-in-law will fight with your kids to abandon you when you're old & sick as well.

If you have daughters & sons,
Your daughter-in-law will demand your son to abandon you as well.
Your son-in-law will feel you're sick & annoying, wishing you leave their marriage alone.

Your husband is a good person! A great son! A great example for his children. I feel very sorry that you hate his parents.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

Dear MsLonely,

I never said I hated my parents-in-law and please stop assuming things.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I can't give any advice to anyone who doesn't love his/her parents-in law because I love my parents-in-law very much and I treated them as my own parents. If they need us, my husband is always there & I'm always there as well.
> 
> We can't communicate well because of language barriers but there's no emotional barriers between me & my parents-in-law.
> 
> ...


Dear MsLonely,

I never said I hated my parents-in-law and please stop assuming things.
You read my other posts but it doesn't seem to me you paid attention when reading. I wanted to consider his parents as my own but they did not behave like this, unfortunately and they are behaving very selfishly. I am happy that my kids have a good relationship with them.
I would like to take them with us and take care of them, living in separate houses but seeing each other almost every day, my kids would see them more often than they do now which is once or twice a year. But, unfortunately, they do not want to make this move and somehow I understand them, even though, if I were in their place I would think differently.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You wanted your husband to choose between his parents & you, which has told ppl everything what you really wanted. You questioned your husband not loving you because he wouldn't dump his parents.
Selfish parents? Or selfish daughter in law?
You can get a separate house, why not an extra room? They're old. They won't bug you for too long!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, I told you I can't advice anyone who doesn't love their parents-in -law because I love mine very much.
I would never criticsie them as selfish parents only because they're happy to live with us and their grand kids.
I simply don't think it a problem and I'm happy if they want to come. They are his parents! Do you want to be judged as a selfish & annoying MIL when your children get married & their spouses want you to leave them alone?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Anyway, sorry for wasting your time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Btw, I told you I can't advice anyone who doesn't love their parents-in -law because I love mine very much.
> I would never criticsie them as selfish parents only because they're happy to live with us and their grand kids.
> I simply don't think it a problem and I'm happy if they want to come. They are his parents! Do you want to be judged as a selfish & annoying MIL when your children get married & their spouses want you to leave them alone?


Dear Ms Lonely,
It's not difficult to get along with someone who does not speak your language, in fact is much more easier than if you speak the language and hear what they say....like that they would prefer their son to be close to them even if he is unhappy than happy but far away from them.....
And not getting along does not mean hate!

As for me, I only want my children to be indipendent and happy, wherever they choose to live. I am happy if they are happy!


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> You wanted your husband to choose between his parents & you, which has told ppl everything what you really wanted. You questioned your husband not loving you because he wouldn't dump his parents.
> Selfish parents? Or selfish daughter in law?
> You can get a separate house, why not an extra room? They're old. They won't bug you for too long!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you should watch your language, I don't want anyone to dump anything and I said I am willing to take care of them if they wish to come with us.
Why not an extra room? Because in our culture it is not "the norm" to live with your parents once your married and have your own family !


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## NotOKinOK (Dec 27, 2010)

I know the feeling about hating where I am but loving the man you're with. I hope to go back to where I'm from and I'm praying to God my man will follow me because I don't know how much more of this hillbilly life I can take. I say follow your heart and he'll come to you when he's ready.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

As well as my husband's culture as well. My husband is european. The only difference is we aren't bugged by the culture at all. So whenever his parents who raised up a son and he became my wonderful husband, want to come & live with us. They'll be most welcome!
I love them & I'm grateful to them for raising up a wonderful son! In your case, it sounded like they, your MIL&FIL, want go against the culture and insist to move in your house, which I really think it a one side statement. You claimed to make yourself sound better. The fact we all know is, it never happened. Your parents in law Never live with you under the same roof. I don't think they are that selfish & unreasonale, love to break a culture thing as you claimed. Otherwise, you should be writing your post when they're also violating the culture, living and bugging you at the bedroom next to you.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> As well as my husband's culture as well. My husband is european. The only difference is we aren't bugged by the culture at all. So whenever his parents who raised up a son and he became my wonderful husband, want to come & live with us. They'll be most welcome!
> I love them & I'm grateful to them for raising up a wonderful son! In your case, it sounded like they, your MIL&FIL, want go against the culture and insist to move in your house, which I really think it a one side statement. You claimed to make yourself sound better. The fact we all know is, it never happened. Your parents in law Never live with you under the same roof. I don't think they are that selfish & unreasonale, love to break a culture thing as you claimed. Otherwise, you should be writing your post when they're also violating the culture, living and bugging you at the bedroom next to you.


MsLonely,

Unfortunately, I don't think you understand much of what I have written or what I have said and you seem to know more things about my in-laws than I know...
and sincerely, I don't understnad much of what you write...

Just immagine that your husband hates the place you asked him to move to and wants to leave and move back to the country that you both lived happily before.. What would you do?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AnoukNZ, I'm actually in a similar position - where I don't like where I live but can't go anywhere due to the missus/no degree/etc. We're actually having a split at the moment however due to other bigger issues but this one hit me.

Right now I've just come to accept being stuck here, tell me though, why don't you like NZ? I always thought to moving there myself. I have my own reasons why I don't like Australia.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> AnoukNZ, I'm actually in a similar position - where I don't like where I live but can't go anywhere due to the missus/no degree/etc. We're actually having a split at the moment however due to other bigger issues but this one hit me.
> 
> Right now I've just come to accept being stuck here, tell me though, why don't you like NZ? I always thought to moving there myself. I have my own reasons why I don't like Australia.


RandomDude, NZ is THE place I want to go and where we lived happily for 10 years !!:smthumbup: I'm in love with NZ !!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Err... ok lol

So where is this place you are thinking of LEAVING then? lol


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Err... ok lol
> 
> So where is this place you are thinking of LEAVING then? lol


it's Austria...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LOL! For a split second there I thought you said Australia haha!

Ne ways to be honest I will need more details to be able to advise, what's so bad about Austria etc? Why move away from NZ? etc etc


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

In a nutshell, we met in NZ and got married there, we are both immigrants from Eastern Europe. I felt happy and integrated well into the NZ culture, I had a good job, I liked my life and had and lots of friends.
Then my mother-in-law came to live with us and help with our 1st born baby and started to emotionally black-mail my husband. She left but my husband started to think about moving closer to his family....I didn't want to but eventually I agreed, having faith in him that if I could not adapt we can return, and we discussed this, I thought of it as an agreement...
It turns out he now does not want to move back to NZ because he got what he wanted and does not understand that I do not feel I will ever adapt to this culture, language and way of life. He works and I stay at home with the kids . I am an outdoor person, I love warm weather, I like to spend my free time on the beach and live in a house not in an apartment in a country that has an almost 8 months long winter....also I don't feel I can have the career that I want here nor that I will ever feel integrated....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn... this is a toughie!
Gotta hate some of those mother-in-laws I swear! I too have a rather bad one (though we've reconciled in July).

You did mention an agreement though yes? That if you can't adapt you two will go back? Have you tried holding him onto it?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Damn... this is a toughie!
> Gotta hate some of those mother-in-laws I swear! I too have a rather bad one (though we've reconciled in July).
> 
> You did mention an agreement though yes? That if you can't adapt you two will go back? Have you tried holding him onto it?


Yes, I tried. He replied that people and situations can change and he changed and feels he needs and wants to stay here, he wishes I could stay too because this place is a good place to live in....so basically he does not understand my needs and what is important to me.
He feels that the fact that he is a good husband should be enough for me and is actually complaining that whatever he does does not seem to be enough....he is missing the point or can't see it, I don't know....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It seems he's not listening at all from sounds of things. One thing I've learnt, people, individuals, and situations can change sure, but culture... culture does not change so quickly (unless it's something like ethnocide). Certain cultures sometimes one just won't belong in. Just how it is.

What you can try is to find other like-minded individuals, instead of staying at home try to go out and meet people. This helped me a lot in some regards, although they seem to be in the minority. Since marriage I've been working non-stop so I've gave the missus that duty (which is also leading to other problems too since my mates are all HER mates but that's another story - however you are not working hence I'm assuming you have more free time)

^ That makes the idea of being stuck in this country a tad more bearable.

Worst comes to worst however then... well, try the above first, see if that works. Is it possible to have more vacations btw?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm not the only one who commented that you forced your husband to choose between you and his aging parents.
You left your husband with kids because he needs to take care of his parents. 
No matter how you tried to make yourself sound better. I know because of your being selfish, your husband and his aging parents have to suffer. I feel sorry for them.
Randomdude has problems with his MIL and he was an unlucky child, growing up without parents' love.
But random dude, think about how much you love your daugher and your daughter loves you.
What if she's your only child and she wanted to take care of you when you're very old. Her husband kept complaining & left her with her kids. But your daughter won't leave you alone because you're his only father on Earth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I ask everyone how would they feel if one day he/she is old and the only child wants to take care but the spouse is complaining, thinking about her beach and sun bath? Everyone told me they would feel heartache. Getting old isn't a choice, it happenes and it will happen on every of us.
If your parents are abusive, you can justify yourself not taking care of them. If your parents are loving, and they get old. It's very reasonable that your husband, the only son, wants to take care of them.
You don't feel proud of him but you expected him to follow you because you left him with kids.
You forced him to leave his parents and live very far away from them.
No matter how wonderful NZ is, he's not following you back.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My last comment. Before his parents gone, he won't follow you back simply because he loves the parents and he accepted that you don't love them as much as he does. He's a very nice guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> My last comment. Before his parents gone, he won't follow you back simply because he loves the parents and he accepted that you don't love them as much as he does. He's a very nice guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You still haven't answered my question, if your husband would leave and take the kids, not before asking you to come with him , would you stay with your parents and leave your family ( husband and kids) go??????
First, to be clear, he left his parents when he chose first to immigrate to NZ. I was not in the picture at that time so I did not make him leave them.
Secondly, it's their choice if they want to stay back and not follow us as we asked them.

And lastly, I think you should watch not only your language but your accusations because you sound as you know how to fix everything and you should not think that what works for you works for everyone.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> My last comment. Before his parents gone, he won't follow you back simply because he loves the parents and he accepted that you don't love them as much as he does. He's a very nice guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again you sound as you know everything under the sun...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Never, ever ask a man to choose between the parents he loves and you - you just might lose.

Its sort of like my husband asking me to choose between my kids and him - guess what, he'll lose.

While my husband and all spouse's are important. Whether I get slammed for this or not, spouses come and go - but family is forever.

I love my husband dearly, but it he asked me to choose between him and my mother, well...I think he knows what my answer would be.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> You still haven't answered my question, if your husband would leave and take the kids, not before asking you to come with him , would you stay with your parents and leave your family ( husband and kids) go??????
> First, to be clear, he left his parents when he chose first to immigrate to NZ. I was not in the picture at that time so I did not make him leave them.
> Secondly, it's their choice if they want to stay back and not follow us as we asked them.
> 
> And lastly, I think you should watch not only your language but your accusations because you sound as you know how to fix everything and you should not think that what works for you works for everyone.


It was ten years ago! His parents were much younger. The mother even come to help you take care of your child. You said that.
I can't answer any of your question and I can't understand what made you think your husband should leave his aging parents because I love my parents-in-law as my own parents. Both my husband and me don't have a problem living with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Never, ever ask a man to choose between the parents he loves and you - you just might lose.
> 
> Its sort of like my husband asking me to choose between my kids and him - guess what, he'll lose.
> 
> ...



I know what you mean, I would do the same if my husband would ask me to choose between him and my kids but this is a totally different story....

What about if you have to choose between your parents and your kids??? Who would you choose then?
I thought partners should come first, as they are your family now , when you married that's what you vowed, at least this is what I think.


I don't think we should ever be put in a situation to choose like this, but actually and unfortunately my husband put himself in this situation...I didn't want to leave and I keep asking myself what would have happened if I had not accepted to move...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

In my opinion, as a daughter in law, it's my duty to provide my care when parents are old and need care. Parents are non negotiable as well as children. 
It's true parents in law are not our own parents and you don't have to take my advice when I would really advice you to treat the aging parents as your own. You don't need to listen to me. 
Just understand you forced your husband to choose and you took away kids and left him alone.
It's your choice. I'm out of here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> .
> It's your choice. I'm out of here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thank you

when I said I have decided to move back to NZ I meant "I will" not "I have done so already "


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I go where my loving husband goes. 

If you love your husband, I don't know why you have this kind of dilemma.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Life is tough, it is never the way we want to! 

You have this, you don't have that. You have that, you don't have this!

Leaving a man you love and expect him to follow you, I don't know if it is the right decision!

Be prepared that you might lose him. 

Since some men have this kind of theory, a wife can be replaced, but his parents can't!


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I go where my loving husband goes.
> 
> If you love your husband, I don't know why you have this kind of dilemma.


I don't know why my husband has this dilemma either....

I used to think your home is where your heart is...well....it's not that simple because I know where I feel at home more than anywhere in the world ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> I don't know why my husband has this dilemma either....
> 
> I used to think your home is where your heart is...well....it's not that simple because I know where I feel at home more than anywhere in the world ...


He is the only child, I am sure his parents gives him a lot of love, he loves his parents. And I don't think his parents has done anything bad to make him leave them! 

It is difficult for a man who loves his parents to leave his aging parents. 

I don't think the love you have for each other is enough here.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Nice! Then will you stay & help him out?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

> AnoukNZ said:
> 
> 
> > In my opinion I don't know if he loves me ( enough or at all) and I asked him how he feels about me, we've been married almost 12 years....he says he feels a strong bond towards me because of all these years together and because of our kids....
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

AnoukNZ:

Seriously though  Don't take greenpearl's and MsLonely's strong opinions about taking care of one's parents personally. To speak in very general terms, Asians feel very strongly about it.

Combining your two threads I found that you and your husband are both Eastern European, you met in New Zealand and that's where you were happy. Your husband's parents live in a European country A, while you and your husband now stay in a European country B in order to be closer distance-wise to your husband's parents.

How about compromising here and move to some European country C, where you would be more content and he still would benefit from cheap airline tickets and phone calls? You don't elaborate why you are unhappy while living in your current country.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> AnoukNZ:
> 
> Seriously though  Don't take greenpearl's and MsLonely's strong opinions about taking care of one's parents personally. To speak in very general terms, Asians feel very strongly about it.
> 
> ...


  

Ha ha ha, you know me! 

I am not good at this area either. 

Talking about looking after old parents, I feel guilty. I am not doing a good job! I only give them money!

Thank the fact that I am not the only child,I am the youngest among five! I don't feel too guilty for not being near my parents. 

My husband is not the only child either, he has a sister and a brother, his parents have given up hope that he'll go back to Canada one day. We make good salary in Taiwan by working not many hours, if we go back to Canada, my husband has to work 8 hours a day at least, I don't even know if I can get a job or not, and the most important reason I have my son in Taiwan, I have to watch him grow up. We just can't go back to Canada, and his parents know that. Right now they are still pretty young, 60 years old, they don't need their children to look after them. 

Her situation is different! Her husband is the only child, right now they are near his parents. I am sure their jobs are fine, they can make a living. She is not happy with the place but she is happy with her husband. She wants her husband to leave the place and move to somewhere else, her husband doesn't want to. I don't know if she nags her husband a lot or not. If she is doing that, she is making her husband more annoyed and less willing to move with her. 

Life..........................


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Asian women nowadays don't care about parents in laws, in fact, a lot of them are fighting with their in laws like cats & dogs.
My sister in law doesn't even visit once my father for many years already, and she also keeps her kids away from him. Simply he's poor and now he's sick. (Stroke) She only cares about her own parents and my brother bought a flat very close to her family within walking distance. 
It's still a personal choice more than a culture thing. Nowadays, nobody cares about culture unless you can use it to make yourself feel better, "Hey, I'm very cultural so I don't want to live with in laws!" Pff! 
There are many abandoned old parents almost everywhere, simply because they don't have good money! If they are hell rich old folks, lots of money to be inherited, all their children together with their spouses are fighting like cats & dogs with each other, for taking care of those rich old monkeys. In hope, a bigger share will be written in the rich old monkey's will before kicking the bucket!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> for taking care of those rich old monkeys. In hope, a bigger share will be written in the rich old monkey's will before kicking the bucket!


.........that actually made me cringe.........


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow..I'm not sure I'd have believed this if I hadn't read it with my own two eyes. 

I hate living in Oklahoma. HATE THE STATE. Not too fond of the people, either. Maybe that's more a reflection on me than on them. But I've hated it here since the day I set foot on the soil. 

My SO moved here on purpose (he's from Texas as well). He LIKES the small town way of life. I just happen to be stuck here now. I have children...and they grow up and move on and move to wherever they're going to, but mama stays put. They always know where to find mama. If my SO were to want to move elsewhere tomorrow, he'd probably have to go without me. These were issues that were discussed long before we even committed to sharing lives together. If it turns out that he has to move elsewhere b/c of a work, then that might put a different light on things. 

I can only imagine that if I lived in Austria I'd be abjectly miserable. I couldn't live anywhere that is that cold, and that much snow. I lived in Michigan for 3 years and thought I'd freeze to death. I literally hibernated in the winter. As much as I adore the man I share my life with, if he chose to live somewhere like that, he'd have to go without me. I can't (won't) live anywhere that I'm that miserable. There are some situations you just can't adjust to. 

As far as the inlaws go? That one is very hard. You do things out of a sense of duty. But I can imagine that if my MIL had to move in with us, I'd want to leave. I couldn't see sharing a home with her. She's simply too much of a control freak. Anyone that will give herself permission to access our bank records is someone I don't want to share living space with. She just can't help herself. But I can.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I actually feel very sorry for my in-laws for not wanting to come to NZ where they could have a better life and could enjoy their grandchildren most of the time. I am also sorry for my husband because he is really a good man and is suffering because of this situation . My children are not flourishing in this system either but I know that when we'll go they will miss their father a lot, not being able to see him every day....

Since being here I tried in the beginning to make friends, socialize, go out as much as I can and enjoy whatever I can. 
Now I started to feel miserable, as major misfit said, I feel frustrated and sometimes angry, I have nightmares , I don't have the patience that I used to have and the only time I am really happy is when I have dreams about being back in NZ. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore and I feel very depressive...

I feel trapped and stuck ....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> .........that actually made me cringe.........


They don't really love their parents in law, but they do it for the money. 

When we get old, we look like monkeys. There's a joke about it.

Maybe you can find it on the internet.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I don't believe that you actually invited your in laws to move to NZ with you.

You & your husband had to separate for this issue before. 

You haven't shown any interests in staying together with the in laws since the beginning of your marriage.

Instead, your in-laws, came to help you take care of the baby.


Here is what you wrote in your previous thread:

he moved out of our house to live with his mum when our first son was only 2 months old ( his mum came to visit, help and live with us for a while....).
It took us 3 years to be able to overcome these problems but after we managed, life was good and I had a wonderful husband, a real family man.

major misfit is being frank here. She doesn't like her in laws, so she just say it.

You will find advice from people who don't like their in laws more perferable. So I think you & my sister-in-law can be very good friends.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I don't believe that you actually invited your in laws to move to NZ with you.
> 
> You & your husband had to separate for this issue before. It's been a long time you haven't joined the care of the in laws.


Dear Ms Lonely,
What you believe I said or not is not my problem and I have not asked you about this. 
You've made clear your opinions more than once, I think it's time for you to leave this thread.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> I actually feel very sorry for my in-laws for not wanting to come to NZ where they could have a better life and could enjoy their grandchildren most of the time. I am also sorry for my husband because he is really a good man and is suffering because of this situation . My children are not flourishing in this system either but I know that when we'll go they will miss their father a lot, not being able to see him every day....
> 
> Since being here I tried in the beginning to make friends, socialize, go out as much as I can and enjoy whatever I can.
> Now I started to feel miserable, as major misfit said, I feel frustrated and sometimes angry, I have nightmares , I don't have the patience that I used to have and the only time I am really happy is when I have dreams about being back in NZ. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore and I feel very depressive...
> ...


It is very difficult for old people to adapt new places. They are used to the place where they live, where they have friends, where they find life convenient. Never expect them to move. 

My parents have lived in the country village throughout their whole life, my brothers live in the cities, my parents can't live there for more than a week. They are bored, they are lost when they go out, they have no friends. 

My in-laws have lived on their farm in Canada throughout their whole life, their place is freezing cold half of the year. My mother-in-law came to visit us for two weeks, everyday she was complaining about Taiwan, she didn't like it. We let her sleep in our bed, we took her to expensive restaurants, I cooked my best dishes, bought the most expensive fruit, but she wasn't happy. Right now farmers are not doing well, we can provide them a very good life style if they come to Taiwan to live with us, but they won't! 

You are much younger than your in-laws, you are not able to like the place where they live, how can they like a place where is all new to them. 

Someone has to sacrifice here. If you are unhappy there, take your children and leave your husband, will you be able to support your children by yourself? Will you be happy leaving your husband?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I don't believe that you actually invited your in laws to move to NZ with you.
> 
> You & your husband had to separate for this issue before. It's been a long time you haven't joined the care of the in laws.


So? And? There are some cultures that believe when a man and woman marry, they LEAVE THEIR PARENTS AND BECOME ONE. That's not to say that you turn your backs on aging parents, but there is a line to be drawn. I might take heat for that position as well, but so be it. I believe a husband's FIRST responsibility is to God (if so inclined), then to his WIFE, then children, then parents/siblings. A wife doesn't take a back seat to the parents. I didn't have children with the expectation that they would (or should) take care of my in my old age. That's not their job. Not in my world, anyway. I am to be responsible for myself. And I type that with full knowledge of the health issues that I deal with now, which will likely be much worse and cause me to have more care as I age. That is not the responsiblity of my children. They have responsiblities to their spouses, and their children. I'm not at the top of that list.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If you can't solve the problem, accept it.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> Dear Ms Lonely,
> What you believe I said or not is not my problem and I have not asked you about this.
> You've made clear your opinions more than once, I think it's time for you to leave this thread.


So scary! Feeling hurt that I caught what you truely think?:rofl:


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I don't believe that you actually invited your in laws to move to NZ with you.
> 
> You & your husband had to separate for this issue before.
> 
> ...


Ms Lonely,

This is the third and the last time I am asking you to watch your language and your accusations because so far you made me a bad daughter in law, a selfish person and a liar.
You had your say, why don't you do what you said you'll do and be " out of here"?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I don't believe that you actually invited your in laws to move to NZ with you.
> 
> You & your husband had to separate for this issue before.
> 
> ...


Now see? There you go making assumptions about something you apparently know nothing about. I happen to like my MIL very much. She and I get along very well. She had to be taught that I won't accept her butting into certain aspects of my life, or my relationship. Don't go ascribing things to me that simply aren't true. That I'm a grown woman with boundaries and perfectly capable and willing to express them and not allow someone else to cause me to move them doesn't mean I don't LIKE someone. You assume too much. SHOW ME ONE POST where I said I don't like my MIL. Go ahead.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

major misfit said:


> So? And? There are some cultures that believe when a man and woman marry, they LEAVE THEIR PARENTS AND BECOME ONE. That's not to say that you turn your backs on aging parents, but there is a line to be drawn. I might take heat for that position as well, but so be it. I believe a husband's FIRST responsibility is to God (if so inclined), then to his WIFE, then children, then parents/siblings. A wife doesn't take a back seat to the parents. I didn't have children with the expectation that they would (or should) take care of my in my old age. That's not their job. Not in my world, anyway. I am to be responsible for myself. And I type that with full knowledge of the health issues that I deal with now, which will likely be much worse and cause me to have more care as I age. That is not the responsiblity of my children. They have responsiblities to their spouses, and their children. I'm not at the top of that list.


I agree with that. 

But Major, her husband doesn't think this way! We know it, but he doesn't think like this, what can she do?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

major misfit said:


> So? And? There are some cultures that believe when a man and woman marry, they LEAVE THEIR PARENTS AND BECOME ONE. That's not to say that you turn your backs on aging parents, but there is a line to be drawn. I might take heat for that position as well, but so be it. I believe a husband's FIRST responsibility is to God (if so inclined), then to his WIFE, then children, then parents/siblings. A wife doesn't take a back seat to the parents. I didn't have children with the expectation that they would (or should) take care of my in my old age. That's not their job. Not in my world, anyway. I am to be responsible for myself. And I type that with full knowledge of the health issues that I deal with now, which will likely be much worse and cause me to have more care as I age. That is not the responsiblity of my children. They have responsiblities to their spouses, and their children. I'm not at the top of that list.


I actuallly like your comments because you speak your mind frankly. I also understand there're tons of people who just don't like in-laws, no matter they're good or bad, by principle. 

I will not advice a couple to split because one of them has a responsiblity for the aging parents.

It's not just a marriage issue, but also a moral issue. She can choose between family, husband or NZ & that's really her life choice.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Then she's got a big problem. In all honesty, I'm not so sure I'd have remained with a man who left me with a 2 month old to go stay with his mother. Though I'm perfectly capable of taking care of a 2 mo without any help, it would have told me where his loyalties are. They certainly aren't with the wife. I admit I haven't read all of the OP's posts in other threads yet, I'm just going on this one. I just see one miserable woman, and a man who isn't willing to put his FAMILY (meaning wife and child) first. His parents should be teaching him differently. Too bad that they apparently aren't.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I am going to repeat myself here (sorry):



> Combining your two threads I found that you and your husband are both Eastern European, you met in New Zealand and that's where you were happy. Your husband's parents live in a European country A, while you and your husband now stay in a European country B in order to be closer distance-wise to your husband's parents.
> 
> How about compromising here and move to some European country C, where you would be more content and he still would benefit from cheap airline tickets and phone calls?


Why does it _have_ to be New Zealand?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I actuallly like your comments because you speak your mind frankly. I also understand there're tons of people who just don't like in-laws, no matter they're good or bad, by principle.
> 
> I will not advice a couple to split because one of them has a responsiblity for the aging parents.
> 
> It's not just a marriage issue, but also a moral issue. She can choose between family, husband or NZ & that's really her life choice.


I don't like someone speaking for me. I don't appreciate someone telling someone that I don't like my MIL when the opposite is true. There's a joke about the word "ass/u/me". Maybe you can look it up on the internet. 

By the same token, I can't advise someone to remain where they're utterly miserable b/c one person can't leave their aging parents. We absolutely see things differently here, and never the 'twain shall meet.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

From AnoukNZ's thread

Quote: We have been married for almost 12 years, we have 3 beautiful children, we had a difficult start in our marriage life due to husband's mother being too possesive.

Above quote was what your wrote in the very beginning of your other thread.

Are you telling people you love your in-laws very much?

Or your in-laws are a problem in your marriage?

Don't say now you like your in-laws because they brought you problems. It doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I feel terribly sorry for the aging grandma & grandpa. At least, they have a great son & I believe the son loves his parents as much as the parents love him, he can give up his wife, but not his aging parents, because wife can be changed nowadays, 50% of people have more than 1, but parents can't be replaced.

It's your choice, family or NZ?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Then she's got a big problem. In all honesty, I'm not so sure I'd have remained with a man who left me with a 2 month old to go stay with his mother. Though I'm perfectly capable of taking care of a 2 mo without any help, it would have told me where his loyalties are. They certainly aren't with the wife. I admit I haven't read all of the OP's posts in other threads yet, I'm just going on this one. I just see one miserable woman, and a man who isn't willing to put his FAMILY (meaning wife and child) first. His parents should be teaching him differently. Too bad that they apparently aren't.


I think you understand the situation....
I had faith in him and I believed that if I gave him another chance we could make this work...and we did...until now....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Above quote was what your wrote in the very beginning of your other thread.
> 
> Are you telling people you love your in-laws very much?
> 
> ...


Ummm...you'd better re-read that. Maybe I quoted someone, and you misunderstood. I have NOT been married for 12 years, and I have 4 kids...not 3. That was NOT my statement. Try again. I'm not the one not making sense here.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> I am going to repeat myself here (sorry):
> 
> 
> 
> Why does it _have_ to be New Zealand?


Reachingshore, 
NZ is where we both had a good life, it's where I feel most at home and where I adapted and felt perfectly integrated, it has everything I ever wanted from a place. I don't think I could feel that I belong to another place, Europe is wonderful but it's not easy to feel integrated...
and then the children, they need stability, not to move them from country to country...another language, another society...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> I think you understand the situation....
> I had faith in him and I believed that if I gave him another chance we could make this work...and we did...until now....


What changed? You'll have to forgive me but I've gotten off track here responding to posts that don't deserve one. 

There has to be a happy medium here somewhere. Another poster (sorry, I can't remember which) asked why does it have to be NZ? Isn't there a happy medium there somewhere? A place where you BOTH could be happy, and he could fulfill some of his obligations for his parents?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

major misfit said:


> What changed? You'll have to forgive me but I've gotten off track here responding to posts that don't deserve one.


I know, I know, I wasted my time responding to her as well...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Ummm...you'd better re-read that. Maybe I quoted someone, and you misunderstood. I have NOT been married for 12 years, and I have 4 kids...not 3. That was NOT my statement. Try again. I'm not the one not making sense here.


I'm not talking about it with you. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I have just corrected my posting.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> Reachingshore,
> NZ is where we both had a good life, it's where I feel most at home and where I adapted and felt perfectly integrated, it has everything I ever wanted from a place. I don't think I could feel that I belong to another place, Europe is wonderful but it's not easy to feel integrated...
> and then the children, they need stability, not to move them from country to country...another language, another society...



Yeah, I understand that. Point is, ideally, one would look for a solution that would work for you, your husband and your children. Compromise?

Don't get me wrong - I also don't feel content where I live. And it IS MY country LOL


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

major misfit said:


> By the same token, I can't advise someone to remain where they're utterly miserable b/c one person can't leave their aging parents. We absolutely see things differently here, and never the 'twain shall meet.


Major, how about the husband? Is he happier? He is torn to make a choice between his wife and his parents? He also has to face the fact of losing his children!

Where is the submissive wife? What happened to a wife who should respect her husband's wish? 

Who is unhappy? Who is making the situation more difficult?

You can comfort her by saying what she likes to hear, will this solve her problem?

If her husband wants to move, go for it. But the problem is her husband, who can change her husband's thinking?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Major, how about the husband? Is he happier? He is torn to make a choice between his wife and his parents? He also has to face the fact of losing his children!
> 
> Where is the submissive wife? What happened to a wife who should respect her husband's wish?
> 
> ...


"submissive wife"? who else listened to his needs to come near his parents instead ? 
what about a husband who can be trusted and takes care of his wife's needs??? I had faith in him that he will find another solution if I will be unhappy, that we may return, we talked about this and I trusted him...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm probably too moody and brain-screwed to give advice today but...

AnoukNZ,

Trigger a fight, to be honest it doesn't sound like he's even taking you seriously


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Apology accepted. 
OP...that's just part of the problem..the mindset that if things get tough, partners can be replaced. Where is the commitment? Where is yours? You committed to your husband, you owe it to your marriage to try to find a solution to this. 

In my siggie is another of my favorites...if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Now..I of all people understand how hard changing your attitude can be when you're miserable. And I don't live your life. I only know the limits to my own misery. I'm too old and life's too short (that's NOT a cliche, btw) to live in misery. 

I know you've tried to integrate yourself where you're at now. But it's almost as if you're saying it's NZ or nothing. You have to be willing to be flexible as well. You can't expect your husband to do all the bending. I was happy living in Tennessee...but I'm not living there anymore. I live in a state that I can't stand. BUT...I have to look at the positives of where I live..and there ARE positives. There's the "attitude" thing. I've also learned to live without certain things that I previously thought were so important.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> I think you should watch your language, I don't want anyone to dump anything and I said I am willing to take care of them if they wish to come with us.
> Why not an extra room? Because in our culture it is not "the norm" to live with your parents once your married and have your own family !


oh yeah? you are willing to take care of them.

Very little chance that your in laws would ever request to live with you under the same roof in NZ.

Good to hear that you love to take care of them. 

I will come back to your threads to see what happens.

Sorry for wasting your time. Told you I can't adivce people about in-laws because I love my in-laws very much.

I married to an Italian and I called my in-laws Babbo & Mamma.

My in-laws love me as their own daughters. We have a very close relationship. I feel I'm very lucky to have in-laws like them. I love them no less than my own parents. My husband & me are not the chidren who would leave aging parents alone. We already discussed about it if one day they're sick & bed-ridden because of aging, we will take care of them. The bed-ridden parent requires constant & close care, so it's better we live together, we just need an extra room.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> "submissive wife"? who else listened to his needs to come near his parents instead ?
> what about a husband who can be trusted and takes care of his wife's needs??? I had faith in him that he will find another solution if I will be unhappy, that we may return, we talked about this and I trusted him...


Good for you! Good for what you did. Don't want to make you sad, it might have been a mistake you made. If you were so happy then, you shouldn't have moved back. No need to feel bad now, what happened had happened! 

What are you going to do now? 

Will what we say here solve your problem? 

Leave and let your love for your husband die down? 

Leave and make you situation more complicated? 

leave and find a better life? Will the new life be better? Do you dare to try? If you dare, then try!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Major, how about the husband? Is he happier? He is torn to make a choice between his wife and his parents? He also has to face the fact of losing his children!
> 
> Where is the submissive wife? What happened to a wife who should respect her husband's wish?
> 
> ...


I'm not telling her what she wants to hear...I don't ascribe to the "submissive wife" stuff. No one person in the PARTNERSHIP gets to make all the decisions unilaterally. And that goes for the OP as well. If he promised her one thing, and is now delivering another...well...that's something else entirely. It's the old "bait and switch" thing. And this is what happens when someone uses that tactic.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I'm not telling her what she wants to hear...I don't ascribe to the "submissive wife" stuff. No one person in the PARTNERSHIP gets to make all the decisions unilaterally. And that goes for the OP as well. If he promised her one thing, and is now delivering another...well...that's something else entirely. It's the old "bait and switch" thing. And this is what happens when someone uses that tactic.


Major, if I don't like the situation I am in, I just leave. If I am disappointed with the man, I divorce him, feel no sorry. I make my decision, I don't look back and feel sorry. But I have also learned, I have to change my attitude towards life, if I don't change, no matter where I go, I am the same, miserable. 

People disappoint us all the time, never trust others, trust ourselves! 

She is at a very difficult situation! She is stuck. Either she chooses to accept the fact or leave! Catch 22! Hope things become better if she does choose to leave. But children are involved here and in different countries!


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I'm probably too moody and brain-screwed to give advice today but...
> 
> AnoukNZ,
> 
> Trigger a fight, to be honest it doesn't sound like he's even taking you seriously


RandomDude,
what do you think I could accomplish with a fight?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Major, if I don't like the situation I am in, I just leave. If I am disappointed with the man, I divorce him, feel no sorry. I make my decision, I don't look back and feel sorry. But I have also learned, I have to change my attitude towards life, if I don't change, no matter where I go, I am the same, miserable.
> 
> People disappoint us all the time, never trust others, trust ourselves!
> 
> She is at a very difficult situation! She is stuck. Either she chooses to accept the fact or leave! Catch 22! Hope things become better if she does choose to leave. But children are involved here and in different countries!


Then where is the "submissive wife" in that scenario? By that standard she should just submit to her husband's wishes, despite what happiness she might be sacrificing. 
This is why I mentioned the "attitude" thing. If it's not possible to change attitudes about where she lives in order to make this work.
Greenpearl..I feel you and I are a lot alike in many ways. Like yourself, if my SO becomes a different man and makes me miserable, I'm outta here (meaning, I leave). I don't *****foot around with my life anymore. Makes it harder when there are children involved. My SO IS my son's father. He's had him since he was 3. For all intents and purposes, he's his daddy. It would be the same to leave as if he were his biological father. But I'm no martyr. Not anymore. 
I agree, the OP is in a catch-22. She's damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't. That's why there HAS to be a medium somewhere. At least to search for one. It might take a lot of planning and a lot of hard work, but you never know if you don't try.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> RandomDude,
> what do you think I could accomplish with a fight?


You mentioned that you both had an agreement - that if things won't work out, you both will return to N.Z., so far, he's worded his way out of it. I don't think he's taking your feeling seriously, but that's just me (and I'm in a crappy mood).

You know your situation better then us, I'm just voicing out how I feel about this mess. Doesn't really have to be a fight, just make sure he understands that this is a serious issue and not something he can brush aside lightly.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Major, if I don't like the situation I am in, I just leave. If I am disappointed with the man, I divorce him, feel no sorry. I make my decision, I don't look back and feel sorry. But I have also learned, I have to change my attitude towards life, if I don't change, no matter where I go, I am the same, miserable.
> 
> People disappoint us all the time, never trust others, trust ourselves!
> 
> She is at a very difficult situation! She is stuck. Either she chooses to accept the fact or leave! Catch 22! Hope things become better if she does choose to leave. But children are involved here and in different countries!


Greenpearl,

Can I ask you just 1 question?

If you were the only child, and you had money to move overseas, to a country you really like, then suddenly one day, your mother became too old to take care of herself, knowing that she might be bed-ridden, not able to speak properly because of aging & sickness, (it will happen on every of us one day)

Will you move your aging mother with you, living under the same roof?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Greenpearl,
> 
> Can I ask you just 1 question?
> 
> ...



The question should be:" Will you move your partner ( who does not want to move) and the children to be close to the parents that are healthy but aging and who do not want to move from their country at all?"

And question no 2: "If you did this and then your spouse is miserable after 3 years, will you let your family go without you just so you'll be with your parents who do not want to move?"


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Randomdude,

Image one day you're too old to stand on your own feet & your only child, your daughter, wants to live near you so she can visit & take care of you often, the issue is her husband thinks you're the problem of their marriage and tells her to move away with him. 

Your daughter says no! but your son in law insists.

How would you feel?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> The question should be:" Will you move your partner ( who does not want to move) and the children to be close to the parents that are healthy but aging and who do not want to move from their country at all?


When the parents get old & not able to stand up by themselves, they lost their memories because of aging, they can't even express themselves because they must rely on people to take care, do you think they would say no? Some of them have no ideas what they are doing.

Have you ever seen an old sick grandma or grandpa? Do you have an idea about aging?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Randomdude,
> 
> Image one day you're too old to stand on your own feet & your only child, your daughter, wants to live near you so she can visit & take care of you often, the issue is *her husband thinks you're the problem of their marriage* and tells her to move away with him.
> 
> ...


Ah, but in AnoukNZ's case, the main problem as I see it is that she feels uncomfortable with the whole country, not blaming all on her in-law.

I do not want to be burden to my daughter when I age. If her future husband DOES think that I'm a problem in their marriage of course I'm going to be smacking him silly, but this isn't the case.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I have worked in plenty of nursing homes in my life. And the FACT is that many elderly people are simply beyond the level of care that can be offered at home. Alzheimer's patients come to mind. They can be violent, and they can put themselves and others in harms way by doing things they have no idea they're doing. 

Others that are bedridden with serious health issues simply can't be taken care of by lay people. It takes skilled professionals to deal with them. I HATE nursing homes. But they're a nasty fact of life for some people. I don't advocate for sticking grandma in there just b/c she's a nuisance. But I've seen people that there was no way in hell that a family member could care for them. My biggest issue are the family members who don't make sure that grandma is being taken care of properly. That is where family members must be diligent. Some people simply get past the point of where they can be cared for at home by family members. 

The question wasn't asked of me...but if I were bedridden and no faculties about myself...if I don't recognize my own children when they see me...just dial Dr. Kervorkian and hand me the phone. I'm not me anymore, and I've become someone I never wanted to be.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> The question should be:" Will you move your partner ( who does not want to move) and the children to be close to the parents that are healthy but aging and who do not want to move from their country at all?"
> 
> And question no 2: "If you did this and then your spouse is miserable after 3 years, will you let your family go without you just so you'll be with your parents who do not want to move?"



Your in-laws are already 70+ 

Yes, can be healthy without any illness but I wouldn't see why your husband insisted to stay close to them if they're very healthy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can relate to being uncomfortable in a country, I've compromised by agreeing to stay after meeting some genuine folks who ain't haters for once (and folks who judged her based on racialism even before she was born). But considering AnoukNZ has already tried this, and hasn't found anyone to make her feel at home, I'll probably be in the same position as her.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I have worked in plenty of nursing homes in my life. And the FACT is that many elderly people are simply beyond the level of care that can be offered at home. Alzheimer's patients come to mind. They can be violent, and they can put themselves and others in harms way by doing things they have no idea they're doing.
> 
> Others that are bedridden with serious health issues simply can't be taken care of by lay people. It takes skilled professionals to deal with them. I HATE nursing homes. But they're a nasty fact of life for some people. I don't advocate for sticking grandma in there just b/c she's a nuisance. But I've seen people that there was no way in hell that a family member could care for them. My biggest issue are the family members who don't make sure that grandma is being taken care of properly. That is where family members must be diligent. Some people simply get past the point of where they can be cared for at home by family members.
> 
> The question wasn't asked of me...but if I were bedridden and no faculties about myself...if I don't recognize my own children when they see me...just dial Dr. Kervorkian and hand me the phone. I'm not me anymore, and I've become someone I never wanted to be.


The fact is the old parents would love to stay with family instead of nursing home. 

They're very lonely there and they always miss their children. (if still have memories)

I told my daughter not to kick me away to the nursing home & leave me to die there even if her husband would see me as a problem.

My husband told her not to kick him away to the nursing home also, it's enough he can have a room with me and everyday he can eat some pasta.

My daughter told us that there's no way that her future husband can tell her to leave her aging parents, us, alone. She would hit over his head & divorce him if necessary.

We felt very happy

My daughter is our only child.

In the end we both decide to save lots of money, buy a condo & get a maid to take care of us when we are old.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Ah, but in AnoukNZ's case, the main problem as I see it is that she feels uncomfortable with the whole country, not blaming all on her in-law.


Yes, I am uncomfortable with my situation and usually I tend to solve problems not to complain about them. If I don't like a situation I cannot live with, I try to change it. I hate complaining all the time but this is what I became now, a person who complains and I don't like myself... I am depressed and frustrated because I don't seem to make my husband understand my feelings....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

So MsLonely...if you (or your husband) ends up with Alzheimers, and let's say that you're violent towards her, punching, kicking, hunting for knives to kill her...let's say that you decide you're going to cook something and your daughter doesn't realize you're doing so, and you start a fire in the kitchen but b/c you don't have enough sense to put the fire out, and it burns the whole house down and the people you love almost lose their lives because of it, you still think your daughter should be responsible for that? It happens. It happened.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> Yes, I am uncomfortable with my situation and usually I tend to solve problems not to complain about them. If I don't like a situation I cannot live with, I try to change it. I hate complaining all the time but this is what I became now, a person who complains and I don't like myself... I am depressed and frustrated because I don't seem to make my husband understand my feelings....


It's really late (or very early, as the case may be) where I'm at, so I'm going to bow out. I do want to tell you that I hope you're able to find a resolution to this. I don't know how you could make your feelings known to your husband, any more than you already have. And I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Maybe someone will have a good suggestion. *hugs*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> Yes, I am uncomfortable with my situation and usually I tend to solve problems not to complain about them. If I don't like a situation I cannot live with, I try to change it. I hate complaining all the time but this is what I became now, a person who complains and I don't like myself... I am depressed and frustrated because I don't seem to make my husband understand my feelings....


Well, the missus refused to understand my feelings and neglected them, thought she could have her way with everything, so I kicked her out. Things aren't looking so good at the moment.

What I would have done differently was to have been firmer in the past. A few sparks here and there, is better then detonating an atomic bomb so to speak. Too late for that however.

This is probably just my bad cold-ass mood talking, but if your husband ain't taking you seriously, MAKE him take you seriously, risky, but ask yourself whether you respect your own feelings enough to voice them out to your husband.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

In my opinion, my parents are my responsibility and I should take care of them in the best way possible for my family. So, if I were in my husband's shoes, I would have not moved my whole family to another country but 
1. I would have either convinced them to move to be close to us
2. I would have travelled to see them as often as I could have, if they refused to move..


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

major misfit said:


> It's really late (or very early, as the case may be) where I'm at, so I'm going to bow out. I do want to tell you that I hope you're able to find a resolution to this. I don't know how you could make your feelings known to your husband, any more than you already have. And I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Maybe someone will have a good suggestion. *hugs*


Thank you Major !


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Option 2 I would be content with, but that's just me (and I'm young - at 26, so the more mature I get I'll probably think differently however)


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> Yes, I am uncomfortable with my situation and usually I tend to solve problems not to complain about them. If I don't like a situation I cannot live with, I try to change it. I hate complaining all the time but this is what I became now, a person who complains and I don't like myself... I am depressed and frustrated because I don't seem to make my husband understand my feelings....


To break it down:

- if you somehow force/convince/nag/browbeat him to move to New Zealand, then I can guarantee you that your New Zealand will not be the same New Zealand you remember. He will very resentful towards you.

- if you leave with your kids to New Zealand and leave your husband behind, there is more than an even chance that he is not going to follow.

- if you sit in Europe complaining about it, you will make yourself miserable, him miserable and your whole married/family life miserable.

As far as his promise goes we both know this is hardly a case of him breaking his marriage vows. You zero in on it because it helps you get your way. I know I sound mean here, but that's life.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Forgot to ask: do you work in the country you currently reside in? I am assuming here that you worked in New Zealand since if you didn't, returning back to New Zealand without your husband would be out of the question.

I don't know under which country's laws you would be governed by, but if things turn sour, there is a possibility that he can claim "abandonment" in which case you may/may not receive support from him.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

major misfit said:


> So MsLonely...if you (or your husband) ends up with Alzheimers, and let's say that you're violent towards her, punching, kicking, hunting for knives to kill her...let's say that you decide you're going to cook something and your daughter doesn't realize you're doing so, and you start a fire in the kitchen but b/c you don't have enough sense to put the fire out, and it burns the whole house down and the people you love almost lose their lives because of it, you still think your daughter should be responsible for that? It happens. It happened.


I hope I can put in writing in my Will.

If Euthanasia becomes legal & I have got certain types of diseases which would me a vegetable or violent. I'd love to be put into sleep.

I already don't know who I am. I don't really care how my child arranges me.

I guess most parents will think the same. They would hate to become a problem in their children's marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

"New Zealand", never liked that name, Aotearoa should be the official name of the country... oh nvm.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> To break it down:
> 
> - if you somehow force/convince/nag/browbeat him to move to New Zealand, then I can guarantee you that your New Zealand will not be the same New Zealand you remember. He will very resentful towards you.
> 
> ...


This is a great breaking down!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> "New Zealand", never liked that name, Aotearoa should be the official name of the country... oh nvm.


Out of the topic... never heard about Aotearoa?


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Forgot to ask: do you work in the country you currently reside in? I am assuming here that you worked in New Zealand since if you didn't, returning back to New Zealand without your husband would be out of the question.
> 
> I don't know under which country's laws you would be governed by, but if things turn sour, there is a possibility that he can claim "abandonment" in which case you may/may not receive support from him.


No. I don't work, I would only get a job much lower than my qualification here. 
Yes,I worked in NZ.

I hope I won't have the problem you are talking about because he agrees that he cannot make me stay here unhappy and he will accompany us to NZ and help settle there, then he'll come back to his parents....


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> "New Zealand", never liked that name, Aotearoa should be the official name of the country... oh nvm.


Yes, it's wonderful , isn't it? The Land of the Long White Cloud !


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@MsLonely

It's the Maori name for "New Zealand", and I like it better, means "land of the long white cloud", similar to the Eurasian steppes - my motherland "land of the eternal blue sky". But that's just me bias =)

@AnoukNZ

Aye, and it's a dreamworld for me too.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

RandomDude,
To be honest I don't think NZ and OZ are very different and there shouldn't be anything that you can find in NZ and you can't find in OZ too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

But Aotearoa has Maoris! I love their people, hit off very well with them. There are only a few here in NSW, but nvm, sorry to hijack your thread


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Greenpearl,
> 
> Can I ask you just 1 question?
> 
> ...


If I were the only child, I had money, I didn't need to worry about working, I would move to the place where my mother lives!

If we are not nice to our parents and look after them when they are old and sick, we would be looked down by people. Bad luck would come to us! Chinese teaching!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AnoukNZ said:


> No. I don't work, I would only get a job much lower than my qualification here.
> Yes,I worked in NZ.
> 
> I hope I won't have the problem you are talking about because he agrees that he cannot make me stay here unhappy and he will accompany us to NZ and help settle there, then he'll come back to his parents....


Your husband is a very nice man. He did respect your interests seriously.
He has a solution for you to go back to NZ. Go for it!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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