# Letter, or text to the AP from the BS.



## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Is this a good idea to do? Through all the anger and sadness, I want this person to know firsthand the pain he has caused me, my family, my children.
Or is it a sign of weakness and sour grapes?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

No. It is not a good idea. The other person doesn't give a damn what you think of them. They usually have a good idea of what they are doing. Sometimes they have been lied to by the WS but usually they don't care.

It is not a sign of weakness. It just usually amounts to an exercise in futility. Focus on being strong for you and the kids. The letter should be sent to you WS. Without the behavior of the WS the affair is not possible.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

jlc29316 said:


> Is this a good idea to do? Through all the anger and sadness, I want this person to know firsthand the pain he has caused me, my family, my children.
> Or is it a sign of weakness and sour grapes?


It's a sign of weakness - at the moment. It gives the AP power to know that they have the ability to crush you. And they won't care as somehow they feel that they "won" something. Don't do it. Yet. 

I kind of like the saying "Revenge is a dish best served cold". When you have moved on, and are no longer angry and sad, when your life is in your hands, and you have full control of your future, you can revisit the thought of contacting the AP. Will it be worth it then? Probably not. Karma has a way with dealing with APs.

Ponder this. While you will eventually rid yourself of a cheating, lying spouse and find happiness again, the AP is stuck with a cheater. Karma. Maybe then you can smile and perhaps rub it in if you choose. But not now. Not while you are still hurting.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I tried numerous times to reach out to the OW, by email, phone, etc. She wouldnt even give me the time of day. It PMO because I was hoping to convince her she had to have some moral compass but then I realized...she didnt!! She is trash!! Its a waste of time!! The only time I was able to reach out and get a reaction was when my fist hit her face! I wouldnt recommend that though!


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

jlc29316 said:


> Is this a good idea to do? Through all the anger and sadness, I want this person to know firsthand the pain he has caused me, my family, my children.
> Or is it a sign of weakness and sour grapes?


You won't be able to get through, because anyone who'd pursue a woman that's married and has children is probably someone that's not very bright, not very nice and not very caring. You're dealing with a moron who's also a dbag, probably has no moral compass and no remorse.. Pity him, feel bad that he's a shallow idiot fumbling his way through life.. probably has a couple ex-wives and some children that he can't remember their names.


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

I sent a package with the burner phone they used smashed up in about 100 pieces and a note. The note was written in black magic marker and was very short. "Stay the **** away from my wife and kids. If you contact her it will not end good for either of us."

I also didn't write his name on the package and he lives home with his mom, so I hope she saw it and asked about it. I don't need any reply and i have no more words for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

jlc29316 said:


> Is this a good idea to do? Through all the anger and sadness, I want this person to know firsthand the pain he has caused me, my family, my children.
> Or is it a sign of weakness and sour grapes?


Let us not forget that HE was not alone in causing your pain or your family's. It takes two. 

Bad idea, it wont help because there is nothing he can say to you to make you feel better.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jlc29316 said:


> Is this a good idea to do? Through all the anger and sadness, I want this person to know firsthand the pain he has caused me, my family, my children.
> Or is it a sign of weakness and sour grapes?



How do you plan to contact her?
What information do you plan to reveal to her? anything that he/she may have thought was confidential between her/him and your spouse?

Have you thought about how this person may respond? and what your response to that will be (including no response at all.)
Have you thought about how your spouse / partner will respond? Responses both to you and the AP.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

It's pointless except in your fantasies which is where it should stay. You could also write out a note then burn it. 

As mentioned above, the AP has already proven they do not have respect for your marriage so they won't respect or listen to anything you might say. 

My H said that he asked the OW if it bothered her that he was married and her reply was "that's your problem, not mine"...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dday said:


> I sent a package with the burner phone they used smashed up in about 100 pieces and a note. The note was written in black magic marker and was very short. "Stay the **** away from my wife and kids. If you contact her it will not end good for either of us."
> 
> I also didn't write his name on the package and he lives home with his mom, so I hope she saw it and asked about it. I don't need any reply and i have no more words for him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: Lives with his mom.. how precious. What does he do for work, paper boy? 

See my previous note about 'idiot fumbling through life' and 'not very bright'... I hope his mom found it, and gave him a time out.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

I woke up this morning with mind movies playing in my head...images of what she's told me, what they done. Just having a rough day today. In reality, I think he would just laugh if I sent him a text.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

jlc29316 said:


> I woke up this morning with mind movies playing in my head...images of what she's told me, what they done. Just having a rough day today. In reality, I think he would just laugh if I sent him a text.


The best revenge is to get him out of your head... change thoughts quickly, mind movies.. think of something positive, switch that channel quickly.. as fast as possible. Distract yourself. Think good thoughts.. remember better times in your life, things that made/make/will make you happy.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He wouldn't care jlc.
Just focus in yourself and your healing.
Don't give him the satisfaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> It's pointless except in your fantasies which is where it should stay. You could also write out a note then burn it.
> 
> As mentioned above, the AP has already proven they do not have respect for your marriage so they won't respect or listen to anything you might say.
> 
> *My H said that he asked the OW if it bothered her that he was married and her reply was "that's your problem, not mine"...*


Big OUCHHH issed:


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I contacted the OM. Went around to his house. He hid. 

When I found out that the affair had been physical, I threatened to land him the some of the court costs for the divorce. He was terrified and did not contact my WW ever again.

I contacted him twice more along similar lines, then posted him on Cheaterville. It has definitely caused him problems and for that I am grateful.

That isn't the end of it for me, but I have a lot of time and a long memory.

I also contacted his GF and that, as they say, is another story.

Provided you are in control, then contact. It can help in a number of ways, but don't do it just to complain as you will likely look silly.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

jlc29316 said:


> Is this a good idea to do? Through all the anger and sadness, I want this person to know firsthand the pain he has caused me, my family, my children.
> Or is it a sign of weakness and sour grapes?


Maybe it is worth a try.......but IMHO it isn't worth your effort, you will get so little back.

All they are interested in is saving their own skin, so if they happen to be married they will totally minimize what happened when they reply in email just in case you print and send to their spouse.

When I contacted OW she was very hard faced, told me she had contacted the police, said I was harassing her.....how will I ever know? Told me she had told her H what had happened as she didn't want mt threats hanging over her, told me her H had forgiven her and they were trying to save their marriage. Such a lot of Bull sh1t! I don't believe a word of it...but what can I do?

I found her H on FB, messaged him, not saying too much, but just enough to get him puzzled just in case he didn't know anything...but he never replied, even though he did read the messages.:scratchhead: So what's going on in his head?

She bullsh1tted him too, obviously. Almost sent her another email tonight, but couldn't bring myself to press 'send' I do this often.

Maybe if i do contact her again it will be face to face....what can she do about that?

*It isn't a sign of weakness or sour grapes at all. It is your right!*

Just not sure it will get you any where


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

99% of the times the AP is a piece of work. They don't care who they hurt. They even pride themselves with their "victory". The only confrontation to have with the AP is beat the sh!t out of them - if that's what you want ,just make sure you're physically capable, and there are no witnesses and proofs.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Like the poster above, the only contact I want with the OM is my fist contracting his face. But that's not going to happen. I don't like jail food and my WW said that's a deal breaker for her. (I promised if she told me everything I wouldn't kill anyone, or even beat the holy living Shi...... you get the picture.)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I do think Chris989's mention of cheaterville.com is interesting. With a cheaterville posting, you can say what you want to to the OM and at the same time advertise his cr*p character to the world.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jlc, are you still with your husband, the one who cheated with this woman you are contemplating contacting?

If so, how do you think he will take your contacting her?


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

JLC

H had an EA (mostly through email and phone) with a former co-worker from another city. It was never sexual, but the two of them got too emotionally intimate when she was fired. She cried on his shoulder, then whined about how she and her H had to downsize, then my H coached her through her next business venture. He was way more supportive of this emotional leech than he was of me. I discovered an email 2 1/2 years that pretty much revealed the level of their ongoing involvement. It was less than 1 1/2 pages long.

Here's what I did. I scanned the email. Then I sent it to her with the following message.

(Name)
In 30 years of business, I have never had the occasion to engage in a relationship or conversation with the undertones that are contained in this attachment. Your 2 1/2 year relationship with my H was selfish, inappropriate and offensive. The only reason (her H's name) is not getting this email is because of (her daughter's name). Apparently you could not afford me or my family the same consideration.
You are not to respond to this email.
Shame on you.

Anyway, I felt it did the trick. I hope she vomited on her desk when she opened the email. Whether she gave a crap or not about my feelings, she now knows that I hold her entire marriage in my hands. I love thinking of her wondering when and if I"m going to crack and send it to her H. Some days I wonder if I will.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Busy, did your husband know about the letter? If so, how did he feel about your sending it?


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

NTA

My H knew about the letter and supported me sending it. I sent it several months into MC and we were and continue to be in a strong R. The fog had totally lifted on the A. I was considering sending the emails to OWH's but didn't. I discussed sending them to OWH with the MC and had his "permission". He had no problem with it and I would have stopped if he had. As far as I'm concerned, OW got off easy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Busy Accountant said:


> NTA
> 
> My H knew about the letter and supported me sending it. I sent it several months into MC and we were and continue to be in a strong R. The fog had totally lifted on the A. I was considering sending the emails to OWH's but didn't. I discussed sending them to OWH with the MC and had his "permission". He had no problem with it and I would have stopped if he had. As far as I'm concerned, OW got off easy.



I think that's great and it seems to have cleared your mind which is more important than anything that the OW could think of you ( like psycho). 

I am currently contemplating doing the same thing and the feedback that I get is "she'll think you're psycho for doing that" as if I care what she thinks about me.


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