# Taking the next step



## sunny01 (Aug 8, 2011)

Last Fall my H and I of 11 yrs came to a head with our marriage issues. We finally were completely honest with our feelings and what we were unhappy about. I felt a huge relief off my chest and my heart because I finally felt that we weren't avoiding or pushing aside the real issues that we both knew were there.

My immediate response was that I wanted to work on our marriage. His response was that he pushed me away even further. He told me that he had been losing interest for quite some time. About 1 1/2 yrs ago he told me that he wasn't in love with me any more and proposed separation. We decided to stay together, but looking back we didnt' really do anything different to improve our relationship. On my part, I was devastated and broken-hearted.

Sex has always been very good. He is not emotionally satisfied with our relationship and seeks someone else to fill that void. That hurts. I'm not a bimbo. I am educated, independent, open-minded and kind hearted. I have always looked out for his best interest and supported him. I really feel betrayed and am so disappointed in him. But I love him so much. We have such a long history with one another having dated since we were Freshmen in high school, so that was 22 yrs ago.

Whe have been physically separated for the past 5 mos and he has been living with a friend. I dont' see any progress and he admits that he doesn't have passionate feelings towards me. He loves and respects me, but is not attracted to me other than sexually. 

He doesn't want to divorce, but doesn't want to come home and work on our marriage 100%. He would like to keep things the way they are and see if feelings develop. I just can't do it any more. But I'm afraid to initiate the next step because it is heading towards our marriage being formally over. Am I just being naive and avoiding the innevitable? How do you know if legal separation or divorce is the right move?

On the other hand, he has it so easy. We have 2 children, ages 4 and 5 and I am with them 90% of the week. It is very lonely and I know that he is off living the single life. He dated someone the past 5 mos and that broke my heart, too. He said it is just companionship, but I feel betrayed. He said that he sees us getting back together, but how can we if he isn't sincerely working at it? You can't strengthen a marriage when you have someone on the side. 

I told him today that I want him to get an apartment so that he has an appropriate environment for the children. (I asked him to do this a couple months ago, but he resisted.) I need to get out of limbo with him and do things that make me happy. I just can't live like this any more, but it is so scary to take this next step. I don't want to lose him, but I know that I need to set him free. It does me and my children no good to stay the way we have been living. I know that I need to move on with my life. I'm just so sad all the time and I hate it. I'm a very positive and happy person by nature and this has killed my spirit - and I desperately need it back.

My family doesnt' know that we have been physically separated - only a few friends know. We thought it would be temporary, but it seems to be long term. I have avoided telling my family mostly because I have been avoiding the reality of the situation.

This forum is a nice way to pour out your heart to people who might understand. I woud love to converse with someone who is taking an objective and logical view of my situation. Please help me move on and make the right decisions. There is so much at stake.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Your husband should grow up, be responsible, come home and take care of you and (both) your kids. If he can't bring himself to do that, find somebody else who will.


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## sunny01 (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks for your honesty. Stepping back and reading my own words really wakes me up and shows me how pathtic this situaiton is. I've been caught up in my emotions for so long that I've been paralyzed. I'm not one to ever give up so this situation has been very hard on me. Thanks for the little talk.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's cake eating. Dating other women and saying you two will get back together but not right now.

I am in a similar situation but there's no other person.. It sucks enough having my husband here only 3-4 nights a week but it is what it is right now. I couldn't imagine if there were other people added to the mix.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

I think your husband has it way too easy. You don't really talk finances here but if he can afford an apartment you must at least have some flexibility financially. Make his life a lot more difficult. Don't let him come to your house whenever he wants (or at all). Draw some boundaries. If he comes over to the house to see the kids, leave. When you come back, make him leave. If you read a bit on these boards you'll find references to a concept called a 180. Read up on it and execute it.

If he dates again, dump him. Seriously. Until he makes an honest effort to work on your relationship, do nothing for him. I suppose lawyering up (at least talking to one) would send a message. You have your whole life ahead of you and you should be treated well, if not by him by someone else. Push him to make a decision. keep in mind that your present situation sucks. You can do just about whatever you want because the worst case scenario (the marriage ends) is pretty much already in play. You have nothing to lose.

Make you and your children the number one priority and let that mentalty drive your thinking. Lean in to your family. They will help you and support you especially given his recent actions. Don't do this alone, my sense is that you're a pretty great lady and people will rally around you. If he won't make a decision, make it for him. Your desire to work on your marriage is honorable but you can't be the only one working on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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