# Scared of getting divorced. 5 years married.



## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

The past 2 years have been a challenge. But the last few weeks have been torture. Torture for both of us.
Here's some key obstacles to give a general idea of what our marriage is built on:
1)We´ve been together for 8 years. Married for 5 years.
2) Age difference 12 years (he's older).
3) We have different dreams in life, and different interests, and different things make us happy.
4) We come from different countries, and different cultures, different religions (he's atheist).
5) we have different plans on having children.
6) we have different values.
7) he's got allergies, and I grew up on farm, and I want my life with animals included back.
8)I'm tactile person, he's not tactile at all.

We are two totally different people, remarkably incompatible. How did we get together?
Well we met online, and he came to visit me. I fell in love. At the age of 22 I didn't know what I wanted from life, and what I wanted from myself even. He was my first serious relationship. The first few months he was in love, and then suddenly it all evaporated and his interest sank. But my love only grew. I tried to do everything possible to be with this person, and I didn't understand what was going on. Eventually he visited me again, and got to meet my family and relatives, then I would travel with him a few times to meet his family, friends and relatives. They were all very nice.
After almost 3 years of distant relationship I said that I wanted our relationship to develop. And so we got engaged and were about to get married. Why would I jump into a marriage without living with a man first? Well, traditions. For my grandparents it was a shame to let me move to a man and live with him without official marriage. And at that age I didn't know any better than to care about other people's opinions.

I traveled to his country as we decided to get married there as we were going to live there, and it would be easier with documents. As planned, I came with the wedding dress and. everything else. And then suddenly a week before marriage, he says he doesn't feel like ready for marriage. I was shocked. His mom started crying. And she had some serious conversation with him eventually. I told him "look, you can't do this to me, a week before the wedding, if you are having doubts now, and are going to postpone the wedding, I'm going to leave you forever". And I meant it.
So he thought a bit and next day said sorry and we got married in a week. As we sat in the car before the wedding ceremony, we were waiting, stressed, sad, me disappointed, he was in doubt. And I felt so crashed at that point. Because coming back home with that dress when everyone in my family knew I was getting married....was not an option. It was be a catastrophe, and my grandma was feeling bad after grandpas death (which happened a few months before the big events). I felt like doesn't matter which way I'd choose, I would suffer. And I just chose a way which would guarantee my grandma and mom would suffer less. So I just went there and said those words with him, about promising to love him forever, in good and the bad. And I remember while saying those words, it felt surreal. Like it wasn't me. It wasn't happening to me. But it was. And after that I cried, I cried because I didn't imagine my wedding to be like that. I wasn't the one for him.

After the wedding, we would just have a little party, and photoshoot with very few people.
A few months later I found out, he was still in love with his ex that denied him. And he wrote her messages, and they would have correspondence. He didn't tell her he was married even. He wrote to her he was in "complicated relationship", with "no respect for him", and he felt "bad". And he asked her about her private life. I made a scandal, he said he will never write to her again.
Long story short. It repeated again and again and again. And now, it will be 5 years in May, I discover another message to her before the new year. And this time.....this time I just decided to do the same. To go and talk to other guys on some random chat. I felt I need this as a revenge. Even though I'm not a revengeful person.
So I met a guy, and we started talking, and I feel like the communication makes me so happy. With my husband we've never had such connection. It's not even about this particular guy. This just reminded me that hey, life is one, and why should I be stuck in incompatible relationship.

But it's complicated: his parents have been nice to me, and I love them. I don't want to hurt them. And I know I will if I get divorced. MY husband started crying when I'm talking about divorce. He says he cant live without me. It's a mess all around. I can't even let him touch me. I feel disgusted with what I had to put up with. He never even wanted to sleep in the same room as me!!!!!!! We've slept in separated bedrooms all years of our marriage!!!!!! because he can't sleep with another person, he needs his sleep.
He says I'm needy. I'm not needy anymore, and want a divorce. Now suddenly he got needy, as he's about to lose me. He shakes, and cries, and tries to push on my empathy. Because he knows me. He knows I'm all the time trying to make others happy, and I can't stand someone crying.
I feel stuck!!!! I can't do this anymore! Crying day and night. I have to disappoint his and my family. I hate to do this. How should I make this step. It seems like a mud lake I need to cross to get to another side.


UPDATE

Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for investing your time in expressing your support, your honesty, your thoughts and observations. I do appreciate it so much. And I want you all to know it. It helped me open my eyes, and it disinfected my wounds. Even though it hurt, but now the wound is getting better. Today, on 8th of march, on "woman's day", I chose to stand on the side of my own interests. On the side of my own future. I applied for divorce. Officially.

It was extremely hard and painful, and yesterday I got myself drunk with the same vodka me and my grandpa made before he died a few months before the wedding took place. Never could I have thought, that I'd drink that vodka 5 years later, on my divorce application day. I rarely drink, because I usually feel too intoxicated even after a little glass of alcohol. But this time, no intoxication and it felt just right! It feels like my grandpa is watching over me in such a subtle way. There's still some left for the day I´ll get the divorce confirmed by the state, which will take approximately a year. I have so much support from my friends, even though many of them live in different cities.

My turning point was the death of my best friend's bf that happened two weeks ago. He died of cancer 3 months after first being diagnosed. So I spent a week with her so that she wouldn't have to go through it all alone. And that was a living hell. He had all the money in the world, but nothing helped, cancer burned him in such a short period of time. So it really forced me to look at my situation with clear eyes. Life is short. Unhappy? Do something about it. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month or after bachelor. NOW. As "now" as possible. Because "afterwards" is an illusion.

My soon to be ex husband is crying all the time, every day. And if it was an issue for me to accept weeks ago. Today, however, as I was sitting on the sofa in front of him, watching him cry, I felt the same feeling I get from watching kids cry over a toy in kindergarten, where I work. Like.... "Oh, I understand your pain, but it will be alright, let's find a solution to your problem". I realised that's why he's actually crying. He's losing me, for real. And now he has to deal with the realisation, that "hey, that woman, is free to choose and is actually free to move wherever she wants, she's not your mom that will be there always for you, and forgive you every ****ty information". I wrote myself a list. A list of every single hurtful things, he'd say to me, and how many times he suppressed my needs, consciously. How many times, I heard him say he wanted a divorce, and even printed the divorce papers himself, to just throw away after a hug. I wrote the sentence that he said a few months ago, when he said loudly to himself "God, how could I end up with this person" (he was talking to me in third person, when I was sitting next to him".
I do have to write things down. Cause I forget.

Now I feel super scared. Because I need to get my bachelor thesis done this may. And I need to apply for masters soon. I need to move out during this month. I need to fix so many things. But I thank God, I'm alive. I breath, I run in the forest. My panic attacks got better. My puls is getting better. My body stopped protesting with sudden pain in different areas of my body.

Happy woman's day!


I moved out on Friday. And the last couple of days have been crying like crazy. Unpacking stuff, sorting things, that would remind me my aspirations within marriage, my hopes, my love for that person. We met with him on Saturday, as I had to take some of my other stuff. When I came he put on candles everywhere. And fireplace was on. He suggested a cup of tea. I said ok. And I bursted out crying. And he too. We hugged each other and cried for half an hour in each others arms. He said he was sorry for everything, and that he indeed wanted to change, and that now he understood what he lost. I have never seen him crying like that. It hurt me so much to see him in pain. I wish he was angry, and was impolite towards me. I wish he didn't even want to look at me. He asked me to stay for the night, I said no. I took his hand, and said "You need to move on, we have different views, and incompatible". He said something that shocked me. He said "I'm sorry that I tried to live like a single man in our relationship". 5 years of marriage!!!!! Single man???? So he has been very conscious of what he has been doing???? I feel so angry and at the same time in pain. I cry every hour. Had to do an assignment for the lecture, and I couldn't do it. I just cant think of anything else, it feels like a wound in my heart. Part of me wants to run back to him, and just be with him. But there's part of me that tries to drag me out of it.
I also feel like I need a substitute for the transition. But I know it's wrong. I need to process this transition alone. And being alone feels like pain! I wake up in the middle of the night couple of times because of constant crying. I run every single day now. Sport doesn't help. I cry even while I run. I don't want to drink alcohol or do drugs. I dont drink coffee either to not add up to the stress. Literally nothing helps. Will talk to my psychologist tomorrow. But I feel such a despair that I cannot even describe that.
Any advice?

UPDATE 

I'm still dealing with ups and downs. But guys. How wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who like you, who love you, who cherish you, who think you are enough, who support you on your journey. WHO BELIEVE in you!

It's been such a journey. So many friends fell off. So many masks fell off. So many connections burned to ASHES. 

Everything that I was so scared of, were just fears. I'm doing ok. I am building myself up. I had to quit talking to that online date, because he was nothing else than my ex in his true nature. That's why rebounds don't work. Because we automatically get attracted to the same kind of SH...T, because our brains find it familiar, and thus safe. It was a necessary lesson for me though. Because I had to learn it the hard way. I had to get my heart broken once again, and waste my time on someone who was as narcissistic without even meeting him. It showed me how I got trapped in the first stages of my marriage. It showed me the gaps in my self esteem, the gaps in my self growth. And taking responsibility for that means THAT it will be alright, because I have the power to fill those gaps with light, with self development, however difficult it is. Everything is in my hands, with God's help. 

I have so much love inside of me, so much good energy, that I decided to direct it to volunteering first. I am not ready to go on dates. And that is alright. I am ready to become my true self first. And that takes time. I'm feeling very grateful. Because I'm finally out of this....tunnel of pain, misery, desperation, disappointment. It was so painful. And sometimes I felt like dying inside and out. 

It is going to be alright. You may be hated, by your parents in law. Because their love for you was conditional. They never truly loved you. And they never truly were there for you. You may be misunderstood by your friends, and you may be hated by your ex. Because your ex, doesnt want YOU back. Your ex wants the CONTROL they had over you back. Two different things. YES.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Tell him you want out and all the begging in the world isn't going to make you fall back in love with him, and you can do this the easy way or the hard way.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Now when you look back in hindsight, don’t you think the embarrassment of returning home to your mom and grandmother with an unused wedding dress would have been better than the last 8 years of your life wasted on a man who is wholly unfit for you?

Pretend you are 5 years into the future and looking back at now, still married to this guy. Will you think, I’m glad I didn’t hurt his moms feelings by leaving him, even though I’m miserable and we cheat on each other?

You are still so young, you should get a divorce, get rid of this fantasy online man that your are carrying on with and take a year for YOURSELF. You have never figured out who you are and what you want from your life. Get some counseling to understand why in the world you would get married and not get divorced because of people who aren’t even in your marriage and what they might think, say or feel. Figure out the difference between infatuation and committed love. If you leave this man and then jump into some online fantasy relationship you will be repeating the same mistakes you’ve already made for the last 8 years.. and you need some work on yourself and your ability to make good decisions based on your own needs.


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Now when you look back in hindsight, don’t you think the embarrassment of returning home to your mom and grandmother with an unused wedding dress would have been better than the last 8 years of your life wasted on a man who is wholly unfit for you?
> 
> Pretend you are 5 years into the future and looking back at now, still married to this guy. Will you think, I’m glad I didn’t hurt his moms feelings by leaving him, even though I’m miserable and we cheat on each other?
> 
> You are still so young, you should get a divorce, get rid of this fantasy online man that your are carrying on with and take a year for YOURSELF. You have never figured out who you are and what you want from your life. Get some counseling to understand why in the world you would get married and not get divorced because of people who aren’t even in your marriage and what they might think, say or feel. Figure out the difference between infatuation and committed love. If you leave this man and then jump into some online fantasy relationship you will be repeating the same mistakes you’ve already made for the last 8 years.. and you need some work on yourself and your ability to make good decisions based on your own needs.



At first I had opposing feelings about what you wrote. But you know what? You´re right. The problem is that I can´t stand someone crying in front of me, it feels like it's me failing that person. It feels like I'm deliberately hurting this person, even though I knew what in fact led to it. He does it almost every day now. And tries to touch me, while I just distance myself. But when I was crying and asking him to stop writing her, he would just say "I´ll never write to her again", but still refusing to delete her from Facebook contact list because it was quote "impolite of him". And then write to her in secret again. I have so many of his texts saved lately, and our conversations recorded. Because my brain erases everything the next day, it feels like things aren't as bad as they are. 

I do indeed need to take a year for myself, and just be alone. But the things is that, I don't know how to be alone anymore. I'm so scared of stepping into that sone. It's been 8 years. It's not even because of financial interests, we both work, I´ve been paying for myself and partly for bills since the beginning. But then again, it is his house. And if I were to move out, while still studying (+2 years masters), I´ll have to rent flat with other students, and to be honest. This is smth I do fear doing. On another hand, I'd still have to do it even while in marriage, because uni is in another city, so I'd have to live there for months for sure. I feel like the reason why it is the way it is, is because I'm a weak person. A strong woman would just walk away, right away. And I'm not one. I also do try to brush off the victim mentality, because I feel it is deeply engraved there. And it has become in fact my comfort zone. 

I do take counselling. It helps me realise many things. But to become conscious of the reality is one thing. To make active changes in it is another thing. Sometimes I'd feel psychologically completely paralysed with some good proportion of apathy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So are you going to spend the rest of your life falling in love with internet guys and going off and marrying then before you even get to know them? Sure, divorce your husband. But for goodness sake, stop all this emotional craziness you have with talking to guys on the internet and thinking you’re actually in love. You don’t even know them! All you can see is what they allow you to see. It’s just like reading a book with no pictures. A book is so much better because your mind fills in all the blanks exactly like YOU imagine thinks would be. Your mind is filling in all the ways you think these internet men are, too. 
You are still acting like a child. Get divorced. Get home. Get a job and a stable lace to live and build yourself a future and then meet someone in person and get to know them for a couple of years before you decide to spend the rest of your life with them.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Birdiful said:


> At first I had opposing feelings about what you wrote. But you know what? You´re right. The problem is that I can´t stand someone crying in front of me, it feels like it's me failing that person. It feels like I'm deliberately hurting this person, even though I knew what in fact led to it. He does it almost every day now. And tries to touch me, while I just distance myself. But when I was crying and asking him to stop writing her, he would just say "I´ll never write to her again", but still refusing to delete her from Facebook contact list because it was quote "impolite of him". And then write to her in secret again. I have so many of his texts saved lately, and our conversations recorded. Because my brain erases everything the next day, it feels like things aren't as bad as they are.
> 
> I do indeed need to take a year for myself, and just be alone. But the things is that, I don't know how to be alone anymore. I'm so scared of stepping into that sone. It's been 8 years. It's not even because of financial interests, we both work, I´ve been paying for myself and partly for bills since the beginning. But then again, it is his house. And if I were to move out, while still studying (+2 years masters), I´ll have to rent flat with other students, and to be honest. This is smth I do fear doing. On another hand, I'd still have to do it even while in marriage, because uni is in another city, so I'd have to live there for months for sure. I feel like the reason why it is the way it is, is because I'm a weak person. A strong woman would just walk away, right away. And I'm not one. I also do try to brush off the victim mentality, because I feel it is deeply engraved there. And it has become in fact my comfort zone.
> 
> I do take counselling. It helps me realise many things. But to become conscious of the reality is one thing. To make active changes in it is another thing. Sometimes I'd feel psychologically completely paralysed with some good proportion of apathy.


It’s not about being strong or weak, it’s about doing what you’re scared of, doing what is hard because those actions create the most positive change and growth in our lives. The fact that you are afraid to be alone tells me that’s exactly the hurdle you need to conquer. The fact that you prioritize your husbands (and moms, and grandma, and mother in law) feelings over yours tells me that’s exactly what you need to change.

We don’t become strong women by magic. Strength and weakness have the same fears and insecurities, it’s just that one of them is willing to “do it afraid”. You simply do it one step at a time regardless of how scary it is.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Couldn’t even get though it before I was wondering why you would do this in the first place and why you’re still there...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It is sad and sad all for all... but there is an end to this hurting as you are learning to love yourself more.

Our inner-dialogue is the story we tell ourselves about ourselves... and that it often feeds us our own negative thoughts that are about us is not surprising because our friendship with ourselves loses clarity when suffering is great.

That people will hurt will not be for the same reasons... your in-laws, your husband, the friends you share will all come to different awareness why this has ended and many will understand why.

It is ok to be afraid, but as you are learning, it is not ok to stay there.

His happiness is not with you any more than your's is with him right now.

It is time to leave the things that hurt you...


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

Thank you guys. I do appreciate everything you said, both supportive and constructive comments. I do agree that I should learn how to be alone again and find my true selv. And after observing myself, it does feel like talking to someone else online is just trying to jump from one "comfort" point to another one, trying to escape the pain of being with myself, of growing on my own. Till June I´ll have to complete bachelor and and work simultaneously. What I proposed him, is that I could move out now, as I can support myself on my own. But then he started crying and telling me he doesnt want me to move out before summer. So I told him, that we shall take it slow, but right now I need distance on daily basis, and I don't want to be touched at all. And this is a challenge for him. Which is strange. He's introverted person and did like to be left in peace before, and not being tactile (one of our incompatibilities). And now suddenly he is trying to be all over me. When I don't want it. And I feel sincerely disrespected. As I was clear about keeping distance with me. 
But I am going to move to another city this summer to continue with masters. So right now, I think I should somehow prepare him for separation. Psychologically. I told him he can write to his ex and others if he wants to and that he's completely free. But he says he won't do it because I'm the woman of his life. He starts telling me things and is so romantic that I never even knew he could be like that. But I know it's a trap, and it's just to defend his "territory" which is me. I don't feel anything anymore. But I do feel sorry. Sorry for him, sorry that it turned out this way. Sorry that I have to add up to divorce statistics. And sorry for his parents. But yeah....I have to put myself first here. Which is difficult. Where I come from, they teach girls to care about others but themselves. Which is wrong I know! But it is a real barrier for me. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Birdiful said:


> Thank you guys. I do appreciate everything you said, both supportive and constructive comments. I do agree that I should learn how to be alone again and find my true selv. And after observing myself, it does feel like talking to someone else online is just trying to jump from one "comfort" point to another one, trying to escape the pain of being with myself, of growing on my own. Till June I´ll have to complete bachelor and and work simultaneously. What I proposed him, is that I could move out now, as I can support myself on my own. But then he started crying and telling me he doesnt want me to move out before summer. So I told him, that we shall take it slow, but right now I need distance on daily basis, and I don't want to be touched at all. And this is a challenge for him. Which is strange. He's introverted person and did like to be left in peace before, and not being tactile (one of our incompatibilities). And now suddenly he is trying to be all over me. When I don't want it. And I feel sincerely disrespected. As I was clear about keeping distance with me.
> But I am going to move to another city this summer to continue with masters. So right now, I think I should somehow prepare him for separation. Psychologically. I told him he can write to his ex and others if he wants to and that he's completely free. But he says he won't do it because I'm the woman of his life. He starts telling me things and is so romantic that I never even knew he could be like that. But I know it's a trap, and it's just to defend his "territory" which is me. I don't feel anything anymore. But I do feel sorry. Sorry for him, sorry that it turned out this way. Sorry that I have to add up to divorce statistics. And sorry for his parents. But yeah....I have to put myself first here. Which is difficult. Where I come from, they teach girls to care about others but themselves. Which is wrong I know! But it is a real barrier for me. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...


I hope that you will move out very quickly... especially if he isn’t respecting your physical boundaries. That’s not good.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

People show courage when they do (take action) on what they are afraid of. That’s the only way to truly grow PAST the fear.

and then the realization comes that there was nothing to fear.

It is worse to stay in any bad situation. Change it. If you don’t like it change it again.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Birdiful said:


> The past 2 years have been a challenge. But the last few weeks have been torture. Torture for both of us.
> Here's some key obstacles to give a general idea of what our marriage is built on:
> 1)We´ve been together for 8 years. Married for 5 years.
> 2) Age difference 12 years (he's older).
> ...


These points alone tell me you should not be married. All that "how did we get here?" that you wrote afterwards should actually be called, "So how did we ignore the obvious warning signs that we weren't appropriate as spouses for each other?"

You both need to move on to someone more suited for each one of you. And you (and probably he, but you're posting) would likely benefit from some individual counseling to find out why your "mate-picker" sense is not good, and how you can avoid falling into a situation like this again.


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

UPDATE

Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for investing your time in expressing your support, your honesty, your thoughts and observations. I do appreciate it so much. And I want you all to know it. It helped me open my eyes, and it disinfected my wounds. Even though it hurt, but now the wound is getting better. Today, on 8th of march, on "woman's day", I chose to stand on the side of my own interests. On the side of my own future. I applied for divorce. Officially. 

It was extremely hard and painful, and yesterday I got myself drunk with the same vodka me and my grandpa made before he died a few months before the wedding took place. Never could I have thought, that I'd drink that vodka 5 years later, on my divorce application day. I rarely drink, because I usually feel too intoxicated even after a little glass of alcohol. But this time, no intoxication and it felt just right! It feels like my grandpa is watching over me in such a subtle way. There's still some left for the day I´ll get the divorce confirmed by the state, which will take approximately a year. I have so much support from my friends, even though many of them live in different cities. 

My turning point was the death of my best friend's bf that happened two weeks ago. He died of cancer 3 months after first being diagnosed. So I spent a week with her so that she wouldn't have to go through it all alone. And that was a living hell. He had all the money in the world, but nothing helped, cancer burned him in such a short period of time. So it really forced me to look at my situation with clear eyes. Life is short. Unhappy? Do something about it. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month or after bachelor. NOW. As "now" as possible. Because "afterwards" is an illusion.

My soon to be ex husband is crying all the time, every day. And if it was an issue for me to accept weeks ago. Today, however, as I was sitting on the sofa in front of him, watching him cry, I felt the same feeling I get from watching kids cry over a toy in kindergarten, where I work. Like.... "Oh, I understand your pain, but it will be alright, let's find a solution to your problem". I realised that's why he's actually crying. He's losing me, for real. And now he has to deal with the realisation, that "hey, that woman, is free to choose and is actually free to move wherever she wants, she's not your mom that will be there always for you, and forgive you every ****ty information". I wrote myself a list. A list of every single hurtful things, he'd say to me, and how many times he suppressed my needs, consciously. How many times, I heard him say he wanted a divorce, and even printed the divorce papers himself, to just throw away after a hug. I wrote the sentence that he said a few months ago, when he said loudly to himself "God, how could I end up with this person" (he was talking to me in third person, when I was sitting next to him". 
I do have to write things down. Cause I forget. 

Now I feel super scared. Because I need to get my bachelor thesis done this may. And I need to apply for masters soon. I need to move out during this month. I need to fix so many things. But I thank God, I'm alive. I breath, I run in the forest. My panic attacks got better. My puls is getting better. My body stopped protesting with sudden pain in different areas of my body. 

Happy woman's day!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Birdiful said:


> UPDATE
> 
> Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for investing your time in expressing your support, your honesty, your thoughts and observations. I do appreciate it so much. And I want you all to know it. It helped me open my eyes, and it disinfected my wounds. Even though it hurt, but now the wound is getting better. Today, on 8th of march, on "woman's day", I chose to stand on the side of my own interests. On the side of my own future. I applied for divorce. Officially.
> 
> ...


Hey thanks for coming back and updating. I’m so glad you finally are doing what is best for YOU. You have a long life of adventure ahead and I know you will enjoy it immensely. Good luck and congratulations!


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

I moved out on Friday. And the last couple of days have been crying like crazy. Unpacking stuff, sorting things, that would remind me my aspirations within marriage, my hopes, my love for that person. We met with him on Saturday, as I had to take some of my other stuff. When I came he put on candles everywhere. And fireplace was on. He suggested a cup of tea. I said ok. And I bursted out crying. And he too. We hugged each other and cried for half an hour in each others arms. He said he was sorry for everything, and that he indeed wanted to change, and that now he understood what he lost. I have never seen him crying like that. It hurt me so much to see him in pain. I wish he was angry, and was impolite towards me. I wish he didn't even want to look at me. He asked me to stay for the night, I said no. I took his hand, and said "You need to move on, we have different views, and incompatible". He said something that shocked me. He said "I'm sorry that I tried to live like a single man in our relationship". 5 years of marriage!!!!! Single man???? So he has been very conscious of what he has been doing???? I feel so angry and at the same time in pain. I cry every hour. Had to do an assignment for the lecture, and I couldn't do it. I just cant think of anything else, it feels like a wound in my heart. Part of me wants to run back to him, and just be with him. But there's part of me that tries to drag me out of it. 
I also feel like I need a substitute for the transition. But I know it's wrong. I need to process this transition alone. And being alone feels like pain! I wake up in the middle of the night couple of times because of constant crying. I run every single day now. Sport doesn't help. I cry even while I run. I don't want to drink alcohol or do drugs. I dont drink coffee either to not add up to the stress. Literally nothing helps. Will talk to my psychologist tomorrow. But I feel such a despair that I cannot even describe that.
Any advice?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Birdiful said:


> I moved out on Friday. And the last couple of days have been crying like crazy. Unpacking stuff, sorting things, that would remind me my aspirations within marriage, my hopes, my love for that person. We met with him on Saturday, as I had to take some of my other stuff. When I came he put on candles everywhere. And fireplace was on. He suggested a cup of tea. I said ok. And I bursted out crying. And he too. We hugged each other and cried for half an hour in each others arms. He said he was sorry for everything, and that he indeed wanted to change, and that now he understood what he lost. I have never seen him crying like that. It hurt me so much to see him in pain. I wish he was angry, and was impolite towards me. I wish he didn't even want to look at me. He asked me to stay for the night, I said no. I took his hand, and said "You need to move on, we have different views, and incompatible". He said something that shocked me. He said "I'm sorry that I tried to live like a single man in our relationship". 5 years of marriage!!!!! Single man???? So he has been very conscious of what he has been doing???? I feel so angry and at the same time in pain. I cry every hour. Had to do an assignment for the lecture, and I couldn't do it. I just cant think of anything else, it feels like a wound in my heart. Part of me wants to run back to him, and just be with him. But there's part of me that tries to drag me out of it.
> I also feel like I need a substitute for the transition. But I know it's wrong. I need to process this transition alone. And being alone feels like pain! I wake up in the middle of the night couple of times because of constant crying. I run every single day now. Sport doesn't help. I cry even while I run. I don't want to drink alcohol or do drugs. I dont drink coffee either to not add up to the stress. Literally nothing helps. Will talk to my psychologist tomorrow. But I feel such a despair that I cannot even describe that.
> Any advice?


What you are feeling is completely NORMAL. This is what it feels like, it cannot be rushed, fixed or made to go away. You need to sit with yourself and allow the feelings, and process them so that you can heal. Every day you wake up and you become a bit stronger and a bit stronger. One day you will wake up and you will understand that you can survive anything. Don’t rob yourself of this transformation by trying to cover or make the pain stop, you are a healthy, loving human being and this pain tells you how beautiful your heart is. It will not last forever.

Some suggestions for coping and processing: Journaling every day, every feeling. Listening to music, sometimes it helps to know people have felt the exact things you are feeling now, or that there is hope for the future. Doing things for yourself that you never took time to do when you were with him, exploring new interests, making new friends, hanging out with friends you didn’t have enough time for. Decorate your new house exactly how you want it, something that he would hate. Eat foods that you love. Watch all the funny and romantic movies you can. Take long bubble baths and read trashy novels. Talk on the phone to family and friends for hours. Exercise and go on long walks and just appreciate the peace of nature and animals. Learn breathing techniques to manage the hard parts when you are in pain, but know it’s a temporary state...

I’m so glad you were so brave and did what you needed to do. Good for you. Just know that the pain and heartache is all a part of the healing process. One day at a time, one minute at a time if you need to. It will not be this way forever!


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

UPDATE: 

Things are much better, almost a month since moving out and applying for divorce. It was a pure nightmare at the beginning. And I honestly didn't know how I'd survive that. In much better place now thank God! 
My parents in law judged me, as expected. And tried to contact me. I replied that until I'm done with bachelor thesis in June, no conversations. I need space to digest and build myself up emotionally. He is trying to get me into couple therapy. I had to block him on Facebook because he is constantly writing me "lets do couple therapy, let's do it before it's too late". Now he wants to fix everything, and do everything for me. But no. He had 5 years to appreciate me while I was in marriage. He was against couple therapy all these 5 years. He was against everything. I just don't understand anything. I still have some things left there, as there's not much space at the place I live now. And every time I went there (once every 10 days to get smth or deliver smth), I left with tears in my eyes. Seeing my room, empty, the house, almost empty (he's a minimalist), it's like seeing our relationship as it is....naked without my love and care. Everything was built on my emotions and feelings. Everything else was an illusion, which I myself created. And it hurts to see it like that. It hurts. But I will get over it. 
I'm at university almost all the time, or at work. I try to be among people as much as I can. And it does help a lot. It gets worse in the evenings, when I'm all alone in my bedroom. I´ll just have to get used to this loneliness. The new reality of mine.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Birdiful said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Things are much better, almost a month since moving out and applying for divorce. It was a pure nightmare at the beginning. And I honestly didn't know how I'd survive that. In much better place now thank God!
> My parents in law judged me, as expected. And tried to contact me. I replied that until I'm done with bachelor thesis in June, no conversations. I need space to digest and build myself up emotionally. He is trying to get me into couple therapy. I had to block him on Facebook because he is constantly writing me "lets do couple therapy, let's do it before it's too late". Now he wants to fix everything, and do everything for me. But no. He had 5 years to appreciate me while I was in marriage. He was against couple therapy all these 5 years. He was against everything. I just don't understand anything. I still have some things left there, as there's not much space at the place I live now. And every time I went there (once every 10 days to get smth or deliver smth), I left with tears in my eyes. Seeing my room, empty, the house, almost empty (he's a minimalist), it's like seeing our relationship as it is....naked without my love and care. Everything was built on my emotions and feelings. Everything else was an illusion, which I myself created. And it hurts to see it like that. It hurts. But I will get over it.
> I'm at university almost all the time, or at work. I try to be among people as much as I can. And it does help a lot. It gets worse in the evenings, when I'm all alone in my bedroom. I´ll just have to get used to this loneliness. The new reality of mine.


Wow time has REALLY given you a lot of perspective. I guarantee you as more time goes on the evenings will become less painful and more peaceful. And then you’ll get to a point where you just stop feeling sad at all. You are building such a wonderful new life for yourself! Keep moving forward and making new friends. Honestly, your new life sounds pretty amazing. The pain has already decreased and I think you know you made the right decision.


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Wow time has REALLY given you a lot of perspective. I guarantee you as more time goes on the evenings will become less painful and more peaceful. And then you’ll get to a point where you just stop feeling sad at all. You are building such a wonderful new life for yourself! Keep moving forward and making new friends. Honestly, your new life sounds pretty amazing. The pain has already decreased and I think you know you made the right decision.


I had to reread what I wrote to see what was so amazing about my life haha  Maybe with time I´ll be able to see that. I see everything in grey colours as for now. But I know it won't be like that forever. 
Thank you for the support and care nevertheless.


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## Birdiful (Jan 29, 2021)

UPDATE 

I'm still dealing with ups and downs. But guys. How wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who like you, who love you, who cherish you, who think you are enough, who support you on your journey. WHO BELIEVE in you!

It's been such a journey. So many friends fell off. So many masks fell off. So many connections burned to ASHES. 

Everything that I was so scared of, were just fears. I'm doing ok. I am building myself up. I had to quit talking to that online date, because he was nothing else than my ex in his true nature. That's why rebounds don't work. Because we automatically get attracted to the same kind of SH...T, because our brains find it familiar, and thus safe. It was a necessary lesson for me though. Because I had to learn it the hard way. I had to get my heart broken once again, and waste my time on someone who was as narcissistic without even meeting him. It showed me how I got trapped in the first stages of my marriage. It showed me the gaps in my self esteem, the gaps in my self growth. And taking responsibility for that means THAT it will be alright, because I have the power to fill those gaps with light, with self development, however difficult it is. Everything is in my hands, with God's help. 

I have so much love inside of me, so much good energy, that I decided to direct it to volunteering first. I am not ready to go on dates. And that is alright. I am ready to become my true self first. And that takes time. I'm feeling very grateful. Because I'm finally out of this....tunnel of pain, misery, desperation, disappointment. It was so painful. And sometimes I felt like dying inside and out. 

It is going to be alright. You may be hated, by your parents in law. Because their love for you was conditional. They never truly loved you. And they never truly were there for you. You may be misunderstood by your friends, and you may be hated by your ex. Because your ex, doesnt want YOU back. Your ex wants the CONTROL they had over you back. Two different things. YES.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Birdiful said:


> UPDATE
> 
> I'm still dealing with ups and downs. But guys. How wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who like you, who love you, who cherish you, who think you are enough, who support you on your journey. WHO BELIEVE in you!
> 
> ...


So glad you are doing well! At this point, I hope you do spend time on your own and work on your own broken pieces to fully heal and make sure you are in a place in the future to require a healthy person as your partner. You deserve that. 

Volunteering, making friends, even getting a pet… these are great places to put your energy and need for fulfillment. Wishing you continued good fortune.


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