# Please help me save my marriage!



## Avery (Sep 20, 2010)

First time posting here and I could use some advice because I don't know where to turn. I'm too embarrassed and humiliated to turn to my family or friends.

I have been married for 1 year after dating my wife for almost 10. We have been the best of friends although our relationship has been tumultuous at times. My wife can be difficult but I, especially as of late, unduly over react and cross way over the line and can become verbally abusive. I've realized that I have some demons and anger issues I have to deal with and have entered counseling to help me manage my anger and anxiety better.

This situation came to a head last week. We were coming up on our 1st year and were planning a short trip out of town. I am dealing with some major changes at work and have been very stressed out. She came into my office and insisted that I need to do write some thank you cards. I told her that I didn't have the time but she told me that I had to. After she kept pressing me, I just lost it. Screamed at her. Called her lazy and worthless. Horrible things.

Needless to say we didn't spend our anniversary together. She went out of town to visit her family and some friends. Although we talked on the phone a number of times a day, we clearly weren't feeling close. One day she wouldn't pick up the phone and didn't answer any e-mails or text messages.

I had a terrible feeling something had happened. Curiosity get the better of me so I went to check her e-mail and facebook account. She had changed all her passwords. First time in the 10 years I've known her to do that. She often has me check her e-mail for her in the past. I figured out the passwords and found to my horror intimate e-mails from some other guy with her writing back equally intimately. Clearly she had been with somebody else while she was out of town.

I confronted her with it and she admitted she kissed another guy (actually two), but they are meaningless to her. Now I take much of the blame. She has always had trust issues, her father was physically and emotionally abusive, and I fed right into her insecurities and drove her to somebody else. When I confronted her, she told me she was moving out but I have talked her into staying for today, but she keeps saying that we need to rebuild our relationship by living apart for now. I want to work through this together. I know we are still deeply in love but the relationship is precarious to say the least. There is a lot of trust on both sides to rebuild.

She has told me that these guys means nothing to her, all they did was kiss, and she has no interest in them at all. I asked that she not talk to him any more and she said she would not. My insecurity got the better of me, so I have looked, although she changed the passwords again, and they are calling each other, texting and e-mailing through a second e-mail account she just set up.

I am doing everything I can to save our relationship but I can not stand the thought of her continuing to e-mail and talk to these other guys. I realize I have violated her privacy but I don't know what to do. One part of me want to call this guy and tell him to never call or e-mail again or I will find him and break his legs. Another part of me want to tell her I know they are still talking and ask her again to stop, but I am not supposed to know and if I do, will she continue and just become more secretive or just decide to leave? Another part of me thinks I should just accept the flirtatious e-mail and phone calls as I show her that I will treat her with only love and respect.

Please help. I want to do everything I can to save my marriage but don't know what to do as I obsessively check her e-mails.

P.S. I just saw an e-mail where she is still telling the other guy she's moving and trying to be as secretive as possible... and another to someone about an apartment listing.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I was an emotionally and verbally abusive husband up until a year ago. That is when I tried to figure out why my wife and I became so distant from one another. During this past year, while working on my marriage, I'd realized I lost her and finally got her to admit that it was because of my actions. Talk about a slap in the face. I found out I lost my wife because of me.

It has been one year and I have not lost my temper in front of my kids or my wife since. Not once. And I'm not going to. I'm not going to insult her or demean her. I have seen what my actions have done to my marriage and my family. NOTHING is so bad compared to that to cause me to yell at the people I love anymore. 

Problem is, my wife is already gone. Oh sure, she's still in the house. Sleeps in the same bed as me and is the mother to my chidren, but she's not my wife. She won't say it, but it's the typical ILYBINILWYAM. She's gone. I've bettered myself, lost weight. But she's still not coming back.

We had a date night a while ago. It was hard for me. I was trying to hard and it was awkward. We held hands at the movie. Talked. Laughed. But it was awkward. Later that night, home watching TV, and I made a comment she misinterpereted and went off on me. I've lost her. I saw that the verbally and emotionally abusive person will always be there for her.

Now on to you. She is not going to tell you she's physically leaving you until the last minute. She will lie and say everything is fine, all while getting her ducks in a row. You need to continue spying. You need to be ready for what's coming; mentally, financially, physically. You have a great opportunity to guage where she's heading. If you tell her what you know, it's all over.

And don't be a *****. It's a real turn-off. Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you know what you've done to ruin your marriage and you are going to better yourself. Tell her you'll still be here when she's ready. While at all times knowing what's in her hand. Trust, but verify.

You may have been an *******, but she's the one that broke your marriage vows. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If you truly want to save your marriage, there are deliberate, specific steps you can take that increase the chances of recovery. Can't guarantee anything, but they do work - I've seen it happen many times. 

You are on the right track, accepting responsibility for your part in the troubles, and taking steps to correct these. Most likely there are other areas you'll need to work on; it takes time, but the end result is a much better person - if not a much better marriage. One thing I do appreciate about your post is that you do recognize that you are a part of the problem. There are a lot of people who post on these threads that cannot see that they are partially responsible for the troubles that lead up to an affair happening. It usually takes another failed marriage or two for them to figure that out. You are far ahead of that curve!

This is not to say that you are responsible for your wife's choice of an affair, however. Don't blame yourself for that. She could have easily chosen any of a list of options, most of which are more moral. She has chosen the wrong path. That is her responsibility entirely, and she will have to deal with that.

Note: you are NOT invading her privacy in checking her email. You are invading her secrecy. Privacy is when you close the bathroom door to do your business. Secrecy is when you hide things deliberately from your spouse - things that you have no business hiding, at least without prior notification that you have a secret, but that it will be revealed soon (birthday present, etc.)

If you want to save you marriage, I have a suggestion: read this article on seven steps to take toward bringing you two back together.

Take a careful inventory of yourself: you have some work to do! 

There are a lot of good people here who are willing to be of any help they can, whenever you ask.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nobody makes a woman kiss another guy and certainly not two. She can't have a spat with her husband without turning to other men? This after only one year of marriage? This isn't meaningless and it would be insulting to me if my wife said as much. Her texting intimate messages and kissing other guys would be incredibly hurtful to me and her cavalier attitude that it meant nothing would piss me off. Intimacy between a husband and wife is a big deal, in fact, it's the biggest of all deals. 
Ok, you aren't perfect. Nobody is. Nobody makes us screw up. We choose to and when we hurt someone, we need to accept responsibility. If you're married, you're going to say and hear loud, unpleasant words every now and then. If she can't argue without taking solo vacations or ending up in the arms of other guys, she needs to get out of the bride business.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You might have made her feel alone, abandoned, badly treated, any number of things. However, you did not drive her to kiss someone else. That was her choice to deal with her emotions that way. Not yours. 

I think, regardless of whether you're supposed to know or not, you need to confront her with what you found, and put it on the line. Either she stops or you're done. 

Be prepared to leave if she doesn't stop. She might not stop, and if you don't leave, she'll see it as you accepting her behavior. And if you don't want to accept her behavior, then you have to be prepared to leave. 

You can't let her get away with this, and you can't sit there and say that it's your fault. You may have done some things wrong, some bad things, but this was her choice.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

She obviously doesn't love you and she's been a fuc* now. You got carried away also because she's been manipulative and very demanding. 
Are you sure you still want to save your marriage with her? 
You have bad tempered but you have shown her you're willing to fix your anger problems.
However, we are talking about a cheater, a dishonest person whose misbehaviors can't be justified. I was once going through hell in my marriage but I didn't cheat because my spouse mistreated me. 
She is in love with someone else and working hard to cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

In addition, you don't need to worry about losing her because it's very obvious that your wife enjoys being a two timer. She wants you and wants to have some lovers. Guess you have been working hard and making sure nothing she lacks... Follow the flow!
You can do the same. Having a wife with some lovers and see what happens. Make sure you keep the records of her email well. So she will keep her mouth shut when she catch you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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