# I screwed up but I'm tired of apologizing



## jbvolley (Apr 14, 2012)

Hubby and I had a really rough weekend and in my frustration - I did not handle things well. We just had our first anniversary but it wasn't much of a celebration. We have been struggling since day 1 with communication - he just does not speak and is so emotionally withdrawn. We've talked about it so many times and he keeps insisting that he is trying but I don't see that.

Ever since we made things "official", I feel as if he stopped trying. He rarely goes anywhere with me and if he does - chances are that 30 minutes in he'll be telling me that he's bored and ready to go home. He went along to two different events in the past two months with my friends and/or family and he ended up sitting outside texting me that he wanted to leave. I explained to him that we were driving with other people and we would not be leaving. He pouted and sulked and made everyone uncomfortable the entire time. I was so mad and embarrassed.

The problem is that I'm terrified of confrontation. My mother did nothing but criticize me growing up and constantly told me that I was strange, backwards, screwed up - so I don't stand up for myself. Hubby knows this so when I approach him with things - he turns it back on me and I end up apologizing and hating myself. As a result - I bottle it up and try to convince myself that I can live with it. No surprise that it doesn't work. I finally have a couple of drinks and get the courage to stand up for myself and then things get really ugly because I won't back down. 

This weekend was one of those events. Friday I allowed my husband to bully me because he was in a grumpy mood and I tried to just roll with it. I had a few drinks on Saturday night and told him everything that was bothering me. Sunday he told me how mad he was and everything that I did wrong and why it was my fault. That afternoon I went alone to a picnic with a bunch of our friends and made all kinds of excuses as to why my husband wasn't with me. We then went to the Pub and I vented to a friend. Told my friend how frustrated I was with his actions and I just didn't know if I could take it - said I was seriously thinking of leaving. 

I was so frustrated and at wits end that I just unloaded - can't even remember what all I said because I turned around to find hubby standing there listening to the whole deal. I thought he was at home on the couch. His only response was "you are a mean person". 

I am just sick that I hurt him like that. I know how he holds grudges against his friends so I don't see him ever forgiving me for this one. I betrayed his trust and I only see things getting worse from here. But leaving is not an option. Everything is in my name and he's got a pretty nice set up with me paying all the bills. In fact - I told my friend that I thought he married me just to have someone to take care of him. 

The tension in the house is so unbearable but I'm tired of talking it over. I'm tired of him turning everything back on me and me walking away feeling like I did everything wrong. I wonder if I'm being impossible and whether I need to be more accepting. I doubt everything that I'm feeling which makes me feel even worse. I just want to get away from all of it and not have to deal but I feel so trapped. I want to stop feeling like this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

So it's okay for him to be mean to you but the minute you give it back the guilt is unbearable right?

Welcome to codependency. Look it up. You will find yourself there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> So it's okay for him to be mean to you but the minute you give it back the guilt is unbearable right?
> 
> Welcome to codependency. Look it up. You will find yourself there.


I think it's more that she unloaded to a friend. It's a betrayal of sorts to him I suppose.

He sounds depressed. Wanting to leave an event after 30 minutes to run back home is bizarre.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I think it's more that she unloaded to a friend. It's a betrayal of sorts to him I suppose.
> 
> He sounds depressed. Wanting to leave an event after 30 minutes to run back home is bizarre.


Ah missed that. He overheard her venting I thought she vented to him.

And yes he sounds depressed to me too.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Although it wasn't the best avenue for him to hear it, he needs to know what you really think. Fate.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you really believe what you have written, it's time to move on. You will not recover from this. What is done, is done. 

On the plus side, you do know what you want in a husband. Too bad you already got married. Seems like a case of marrying while in the "fog".


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## jbvolley (Apr 14, 2012)

I'm pretty certain he is depressed and I've tried to talk to him about it. He has some serious health issues but refuses to see a doctor. He claims to be in constant pain from arthritis but won't do anything about it. His ankles are swollen and feet discolored and my friend that is an RN got in his face and told him that he really needed to see a doctor. He shrugged it off. When we go away for a weekend, he needs to take a nap about every 2 hours. I'm just tired of it. I am a very active person and I feel as if my life has come to a screeching halt because of him. I hate the resentment that I feel but I don't know what to do about it. We just had a conversation and he spun everything back on me. 

He told me that I don't appreciate the work that he does in the backyard. I told him that all I wanted was a neat and tidy space where I could eat outside....he has garden tools strewn everywhere and piles of dirt and leaves - mowers that don't work. Junk is piled everywhere. He tells me that I could move my bike back behind the shed and use that space. Really! I quit.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

jbvolley said:


> I'm pretty certain he is depressed and I've tried to talk to him about it. He has some serious health issues but refuses to see a doctor. He claims to be in constant pain from arthritis but won't do anything about it. His ankles are swollen and feet discolored and my friend that is an RN got in his face and told him that he really needed to see a doctor. He shrugged it off. When we go away for a weekend, he needs to take a nap about every 2 hours. I'm just tired of it. I am a very active person and I feel as if my life has come to a screeching halt because of him. I hate the resentment that I feel but I don't know what to do about it. We just had a conversation and he spun everything back on me.
> 
> He told me that I don't appreciate the work that he does in the backyard. I told him that all I wanted was a neat and tidy space where I could eat outside....he has garden tools strewn everywhere and piles of dirt and leaves - mowers that don't work. Junk is piled everywhere. He tells me that I could move my bike back behind the shed and use that space. Really! I quit.





2ntnuf said:


> If you really believe what you have written, it's time to move on. You will not recover from this. What is done, is done.
> 
> On the plus side, you do know what you want in a husband. Too bad you already got married. Seems like a case of marrying while in the "fog".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is leaving not an option?


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## jbvolley (Apr 14, 2012)

The house is in my name and I take care of everything financially. He's pretty much a kept man and that was okay with me until we got that marriage certificate. Everything changed - he stopped going places, stopped making any kind of effort. I feel as if he played me. I had to travel overseas for work and the morning that I was leaving he disappeared. Texted me just before I got on the plane for an 8-hour flight that marriage was a lot harder than he expected. Returned home a week later and he wouldn't talk about it. 

I've asked if he's upset by my success with work but he walks away from me and won't answer. I don't know how to help him or support him when he keeps everything from me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Get a divorce. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.(a reference to the Monopoly game by Milton-Bradley)

You are wasting your life. He has to have a chance while he is young to change. It will be tough. He can do it if he wants. If he can't, that is on him. Just take it easy on him. The longer you let this go, the more you will want to harm him. He is broken and so is your marriage. 

Learn how to have a better "mate picker". You will do well. You will be happy again.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

how old are you/him? have you used word(s) like "divorce, separation or leaving" in your discussions or arguments with him? if so how did he respond?
The friend you unloaded to, male or female?


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## jbvolley (Apr 14, 2012)

We are both in our 40's. First marriage for both of us though (only married a year - together for 4). We knew going in we were two independent individuals pretty set in our ways. 

I have talked separation before and he responds with "if that's what you want". 

The friend is an older gentlemen that my husband knows I look at as a sort of father figure and go to him for advice. He has known both me and my husband for long before we got together so I was hoping the friend would have a little insight since he knows us both so well.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

So, it's an EA. You are wanting more sex, a spark of life and a feeling of being desired more than anything else. Your husband is in his little row boat just letting the waves carry him. Get a divorce before it goes physical. Do it before you and your husband are harmed permanently. You will return to how you felt in your younger days once you hit your fifties. By then, whoever takes you through this period of your life will be the best match for you. Hopefully, he will still feel the same once you are past this stage. There is nothing wrong with you. It is all normal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jbvolley said:


> The house is in my name and I take care of everything financially. He's pretty much a kept man and that was okay with me until we got that marriage certificate. Everything changed - he stopped going places, stopped making any kind of effort. I feel as if he played me. I had to travel overseas for work and the morning that I was leaving he disappeared. Texted me just before I got on the plane for an 8-hour flight that marriage was a lot harder than he expected. Returned home a week later and he wouldn't talk about it.
> 
> I've asked if he's upset by my success with work but he walks away from me and won't answer. I don't know how to help him or support him when he keeps everything from me.


None of this is a reason that you cannot get a divorce. Your husband is an adult and can find ways to support himself. It might actually be mentally healthy for him to have to support himself.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

jbvolley said:


> We knew going in we were two independent individuals pretty set in our ways.


Really? Are you sure about that? It sounds like you are the one taking care of him and he is dependent on YOU. You are the financially responsible one and it is also your "job" to keep him happy. God forbid you are "mean" to him or tell him how you feel. Sounds like another case of a relationship changing once rings have been exchanged. 

I have to be honest. I don't know how some people do it. Sometimes I would love to be the kind of girl who can find a guy to support me financially so I can sit at home and not worry about paying for anything. Oh, and to be able to treat said guy like crap whenever I feel like it. And if I don't want to do something or go somewhere I can throw a tantrum and guy would wind up apologizing to ME! That sounds like such a wonderful life but one that I would never want because I'd be selling my soul and I'd have no respect for myself whatsoever. 

I wonder if your husband gets help with his depression (if that is what it is) he will feel inspired to help contribute to the home you two made together. That, in turn, will help him feel better about his own worth in this relationship. 

It sounds like he is trying to get you set in his ways. And you are slowly but surely starting to conform. Please don't lose your individuality.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> That sounds like such a wonderful life but one that I would never want because I'd be selling my soul and I'd have no respect for myself whatsoever.


Yes, yes and yes. Get out! Before he is so depressed and stuck in this kind of abuse that he wants to die when it ends. 

If he is too old, he will feel like there is no chance any more. He will be crushed to the point that he will not be able to recover his independence in the time left to live. His reputation will be destroyed and he will not have the time or money to rebuild the respect he once had that attracted you to him in the first place. If he had none, you would not have married him.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She is not willing and will never be happy. Once you have read this in enough threads, you will see the signs. She will never be happy and will inadvertently cause him to repeatedly suffer more. He can get more love and understanding from strangers.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its incredibly hard to repair a marriage when one is doing all the heavy lifting. It can be done sometimes but it's a much higher mountain to climb. And if you add in depression I don't know how you overcome that. Not everyone is equipped to love a depressed person who isn't willing to seek help.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just another reason for them to divorce before it gets too far. There is no commitment, attraction, respect and there is an EA and most likely a PA that hasn't been spoken of at this point. Get out before you destroy him. Let him get help from those who can. He is depressed and you cannot fix him. He will find some happiness on his own. Patronizing and sympathy will screw him up worse. You are being abusive when you act this way. It is especially abusive when he is unable to process the things you do because of his depression.


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## Hopeless318 (Oct 7, 2013)

Perhaps you can tell him to see a doctor and to accept treatment or get out. If you are certain he has medical issues and if he truly is dependent on you then he will have no choice. And if you are certain his has medical issues should you do everything in your power to help him get treatment?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

jbvolley said:


> We are both in our 40's. First marriage for both of us though (only married a year - together for 4). We knew going in we were two independent individuals pretty set in our ways.
> 
> I have talked separation before and he responds with "if that's what you want".
> 
> The friend is an older gentlemen that my husband knows I look at as a sort of father figure and go to him for advice. He has known both me and my husband for long before we got together so I was hoping the friend would have a little insight since he knows us both so well.



his response to you bringing up separation is even more evidence of depression. why is he not working (did you say?). does he have any family that cares about him?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> So, it's an EA. You are wanting more sex, a spark of life and a feeling of being desired more than anything else.





2ntnuf said:


> Just another reason for them to divorce before it gets too far. There is no commitment, attraction, respect and there is an EA and most likely a PA that hasn't been spoken of at this point.


Where on Earth are you getting the EA and PA from, as well as the assumption that she is looking for sex??


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Give it time. Sorry OP. I'll let others help reveal the truth.  Good luck.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Give it time. Sorry OP. I'll let others help reveal the truth.  Good luck.


Seriously? You are making some MAJOR assumptions here and you know what happens when you ASSUME things, right?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yes I do. We will see. Give it time.  Address the op not me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You realize the "QUOTE" function is there for a reason?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

jbvolley said:


> I have talked separation before and he responds with "if that's what you want".
> QUOTE]
> 
> Tell him "that's what I want." The guy also sounds spoiled rotten and wants to have his way because he knows that your easy going and in a pinch, you fold.
> ...


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. It sounds terrible for you. I am relieved to hear that you have the financial means to care for yourself. Kudos. So many women don't.

I wish I could sit down with you for coffee and share my perspective. 

I am someone who was married to narcissist/pathological liar in my 20s (that was 20 years ago). Here's my take on your situation...

What you say about your husband matches up with narcissistic personality disorder. I don't like big medical terms, but they have their place.

He is playing you like a fiddle, but you can't see it because as a small child you learned to associate love and nurturing with criticism and pain. The NPD/codependent relationship is a classic one. Al Turtle (.com) is a great resource for info on that. He is an imago therapist and if you could get some imago therapy, that might be great for you. But, if I were in your shoes, I'd first think about unraveling myself from this marriage. You are incredibly vulnerable, given how your mother treated you. You might not see it, b/c despite her, you have succeeded in life. Again, kudos.

The last person you should be concerned about right now is your husband. After about six months into my first marriage, I started finding evidence of a lot of lies. The NP type doesn't even know they are lying. It is as if the reality gets buried so far in their head that the lie just takes over as their new reality. For about three months, I would wake up and before I would even open my eyes, the works "what am I going to do" would ring through my head repeatedly. He played me too, b/c if we had a fight and it seemed I might leave, he would say "are you going to go live with your mom?" in a condescending way and that made me feel like a loser. He kept me in my place. Very crafty. Long story short, a friend very gently said that if she had a mom like mine, she'd so stay with her for a few weeks. At about the same time I went to a very bright and very kind therapist who pegged this guy as NPD (very carefully and ethically, b/c he'd never met him). I walked out of his office, went home, got my dog and went to my moms. I never went back.

There is on woman on the internet who says she did numerous things and it cured her husband's NPD and wrote ebooks to help others. I believe her and have read a lot of her stuff. But, she had no money and several kids and it sounds like she committed years and a ton of energy to make it work. I believe to this day that she keeps software on her husband's computer to monitor his web activity and spending and says that if he starts to slip into certain behaviors she starts working the program a bit harder again (doing all the things she did to get him out of NPD). While I am happy she kept her family together and is helping others, she had a lot more to lose than you.

In your sitch, you have so little invested and so much going for you, if I were you (and I once was except I wasn't financially stable at that point), I'd swallow my pride about making a mistake and let this guy go find some other codependent to take his sh!t out on. Then, with all the time and resources (and emotional energy) you save without him in your life, you can get some really good therapy (consider imago) for yourself. But, even then, you will have to be super careful that you watch out as far as who you chose as your therapist. There are some not so good ones out there. You are clearly very bright, make sure you choose one who is also very bright and who cares deeply about what they do. This might sound strange, but I would almost test the therapist (I did this, and it worked out well). I'd tell them the sitch. If they don't pick up the NPD, they're not paying attention to you! Don't be too black and white, but a well-trained eye should see NPD and care about your well being.

Of course, there is the option to stay with him and work out your issues in therapy. There's a chance he'll respond, but you can't do it for that reason (codependence). You must do it for yourself. As you learn to be more confrontational and hold your ground, he'll either shape up or go find someone easier to f with. He's just preying up on your weaknesses, and, again, you just can't see it.

I suspect that until you heal a lot of the emotional damage inside of you from your mom and learn to stand up for yourself, you will continue to look for someone to work it out with. And, they will find you like a fly finds __, and they will prey upon this weakness. I had a fling after my first marriage and I went from the frying pan to the fire. I went right to another NPD type (he's now in jail for 20 years for some horrible things...geez, louise...thank goodness it was just a short-term fling!).

It might be easier for someone like you to work out your emotional stuff on your own as much as you can until you find someone who is a better candidate and more mature emotionally--they are out there, just look at some of the men on this board, they are caring--to help you on your healing journey.

My father was cold and distant, and seemed to pretty much only care for himself. I tend to find guys like this. My current husband (2nd marriage) is so much like my dad. BUT, he is very warm and affectionate to me. He has a super kind heart. And, if I share with him why something hurts me, he would never do it again. He is very analytical (this has upsides too) so he usually needs the "why" ("even if that is just because I like it") but when he gets it his heart is so sweet. 

Undoubtedly, you probably have your own stuff, you didn't have a good role model for nurturing. You probably have some bad habits. Oh, and the fact that he heard you dissing him in front a friend. I suspect you feel bad about that b/c that is not something you want to do as a person. But, woah, ease up on yourself and don't fall for his trickery around this. His behavior sucks and if you let him manipulate you, he'll play this to its end (he knows you don't want to be that kind of person and feel guilty about betraying your own values, so he's playing right into that like any true NP would). If you let him, he will take you as his social hostage and next thing you know you won't have any friends to complain to. It will happen slowly and steadily. And, btw, omg, please think twice before you consider having a child with this man (thank God I didn't!).

My take is that this guy will suck you dry, trust me. I wish I could say this in person, but you just have so much going for you! it isn't going to be easy to heal the damage your mom caused, but you are so bright and aware, AND you have the resources, you can do it. You are worth all that emotional energy. I'm sorry to say, but imho, your husband just isn't worth it.

Sincerely,
-k


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Just wanted to bump this back up.

Jbvalley, you need to re-read this thread and think about it.

the ankle break and the anal sex toy stash discovery....

well - how much more parasitic behavior are you going to take from this guy?

You are wasting years that would be better spent alone...until you meet (if you want) someone much better suited to you...who adores you..who pulls his own weight...who makes you want to be a better person.....a more equally satisfying partnership.


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