# Debating new custody arrangments



## Bdnelso (Jun 16, 2020)

Hey everyone! New here just looking for help. Heres a little backstory.
My wife and I started the divorce process 4 years ago. Our daughter was 2 years old at the time. During the process I put down the money for her to rent a house and the security deposit. And gave her our nicer newer car. Which is fine im not salty about that at all. After a drawn out process. (I refused to settle for anything less than 50/50 joint custody) I ended up assuming all marital debt. Which basically blasted my credit. Also pay child support. And am in charge of having medical insurance. It was getting to expensive for me to negotiate a better deal. Lawyer fees exceeded 20 grand and i tapped my retirement. But i did get my 50/50 custody! My daughter is 6 now and we have a great relationship. And thats what i wanted to make sure we had at the very beggining. I worked on my credit and bought a house in the same town so i could be more involved in her school and activities. Its been awesome this last year. Now the problem is my ex wifes mom moved to another state. And now my ex wife has the opportunity to takeover ownership of that property. Which is fine but its an hour away and with my work. I wouldnt be able to share the one week on one week off schedule. I know its a good move for my daughter lots of yard to play in. She has an older half sister that my ex wife had previously. So seperating them to different schools is not something im interested in pursuing. It has a great school district there. Im juat trying to come up with an arrangment where i dont lose anything i fought so hard for. Example i have full authority to choose medical care. Things like that. Her mom is more of a naturalist and i prefer to keep that right in case i ever need to use it. Another concern is making sure i still have a good arrangment of time with my daughter. I dont want to be a distant dad. I really want to help make her who she will become. Anybody have any custody suggestions or ideas to make this work. I dont want to take away something good for my daughter over selfish reasons. I want the best for her but still want to be a big part of her life. Sorry for rambling this has been heavy on my mind lately on what to do


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When my then ex fiancée (now wife) told me she was pregnant we had split up. I got a custody agreement drawn up that had my home as primary residence for my daughter. It also had a stipulation that my girlfriend couldn’t move with our daughter 
further than fifteen miles away.
Can you check is anything like this in your agreement?
Also remember that it’s your ex wife’s problem to make this new system work. She has to do the collecting and dropping off of your child.


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## Bdnelso (Jun 16, 2020)

Thanks for the quick reply. I will have to check my divorce papers about primary residence. Unfortunately i do know that in the agreement the recieving parent is responsible for pickup. So on my sundays i pick her up at 530 then when its time for her to go back to her mothers the following sunday she picks her up at 530


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

You can still retain decision-making for her medical care - you can even attend all her medical appointments remotely if need be.

I don’t know what to suggest about the custody change. My XH moved about 45 minutes away when he remarried and still (pre-COVID) took the kids two nights a week. But his job was close to our house so it didn’t really change anything for him. It did make for a really early morning for the kids to get to school though. Since you obviously don’t work where she is moving, you may be able to compromise on meeting half way if that becomes a sticking point.

My sister divorced my BIL when my niece was 3 and moved 150 miles away to my parent’s house (2-3 hr drive depending on traffic). They did an EOW schedule with alternating school vacations and extended time in the summer. It was fine when she was little, but as she got older and started to have more activities and organized sports it became a problem. An hour away isn’t as bad, but something to think about for the future - are you going to be willing get up and take her to soccer at o’dark-thirty and then turn around and bring her back to your home on your weekends? My sister would vilify by BIL and tell my niece she couldn’t sign up for whatever thing because my BIL wouldn’t take her on his weekends. It was awful.

Despite the distance my BIL is very close with my niece. He calls her every night. He has the passwords to her school portal and google classroom and knows what work is assigned and what is missing. They watch a movie every week to together via zoom (which during COVID has expanded to grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins - something they are going to keep going). They have annual traditions like he takes her to see the Nutcracker every Christmas. They go to baseball games and take road trips on their extended times. Now that she is a teenager he occasionally lets her bring a friend for her weekend so she is isn’t having constant FOMO.

Some people might think I am advocating for you to give up time with your child, I am not. I don’t know what you should do in your situation. I just know I have witnessed a very involved parent in my former BIL, despite the distance. He is more involved and focused on their child than the parent she lives with more (can you tell how I feel about my sister?)


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## Bdnelso (Jun 16, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> You can still retain decision-making for her medical care - you can even attend all her medical appointments remotely if need be.
> 
> I don’t know what to suggest about the custody change. My XH moved about 45 minutes away when he remarried and still (pre-COVID) took the kids two nights a week. But his job was close to our house so it didn’t really change anything for him. It did make for a really early morning for the kids to get to school though. Since you obviously don’t work where she is moving, you may be able to compromise on meeting half way if that becomes a sticking point.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for the in depth examples. Those are the types of examples im looking for. Im just glad from the time she was born until 2 i spent everyday with her. And from 2 -6 i was able to pull off the 1 week on 1 week off schedule. I guess im just panicking a bit. Probably more than i should be. I just need to find a way to stay a steady and positive influence on her growing up. And to somehow remotely encourage her to keep good grades and keep her nose clean. We have her in dance. Tap. And acro. And soon soccer so it is hectic even with us living in the same town


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Would it be possible to change your days around, so you still have 50/50, but lessen the number of days your little one has to be up super early just to get to school. Say you have her Fri through weekend and Mon, drop her to school Tues then her mother gets her Tues-Fri?

She'd only have two days where she'd be getting up super early that way.



Bdnelso said:


> I dont want to take away something good for my daughter over selfish reasons. I want the best for her but still want to be a big part of her life.


Wanting to be a big part of your daughters life is NOT a selfish reason. She needs you just as much as she needs her mother, never minimise the importance of your role in her life, as her Dad.

I personally don't think your wife should be allowed to move away with her. It's not in your daughters best interests to not have you in her day to day life as much as possible.


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