# husband was sexting with my best friend



## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I found out about 2 months ago that my husband of 21 years was sexting my best friend. I saw a lot, there were pictures, videos from her pleasing herself, and very explicit texts. From what I can tell from the cell phone records, this had been going on for at least 3 months, over 5000 messages during this time period. When I found out, I was devastated. To be betrayed not only by my husband, but my someone who I considered one of my closest friends. They both claim it never got physical, but reading the content of their texts, there was some pretty explicit details of things when she cam to visit him at our home. I have so much anger pent up inside about this whole thing. I want to so much move forward with my marriage and so does he. He has apologized for this and admits this should not have happened and is very adamant that noting physical happened. He says I am reading too much into it when I try to talk to him about it. I just want both of them to be honest with me. I do admit we were going through one of those "dry spell" phases is our marriage which I felt contributed to this situation happening (which is no excuse to start something like this) We weren't communicating much, sex wasn't as frequent as it was. We weren't seeing eye to eye over some things. I am not a saint either. Very early on in my marriage (about 18 yrs ago) I had an emotional affair that I regret. I had let my guard down with someone that was very flirtatious with me. I never let it get physical with this person other that I let him kiss me. when that happened is when I woke up and told myself "what are you doing you ass!!" that is when I told my husband about this. We did work through it and stayed together and everything was great until this. My husband of course threw what I did in my face when I first approached him of his infidelity. I am trying so hard to move past all of this. I did suggest counseling but he will not do it even if I went for myself. He also wants to remain friends with what I now call the other woman. And he wants me to continue to be friends with her. I cannot call her a friend anymore, at least for now. She has apologized profusely to me. She is not married, but is in a relationship with the father of her two boys, who is also friends with my husband. Her other half does know about what happened because she did finally tell him. He did not see the details of what I saw though. He did not have much of a reaction other that he said it was childish and he didn't give a ****. That came off as a weird reaction to me. had he saw the details, I think he would have been more upset. The other hard part is this couple is part of a group of mutual friends we have. We don't get together as much as we used to, but there are the occasional b'day parties, dinners, etch.. that we would go to. None of our friends know about this situation. I know people make mistakes, but this was a pretty big one. I just need some advice how to deal with this situation.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

Maybe my words are over the line,but your husband is a fool. You two spend 21 years together.

Your husband is not sorry for this,he is only sorry because he got caught. 
He does not want to go to counseling.He wants to be friends with her after all what happend.

First you need to expose his Affair to your friends,family.
Second tell him no contact with this woman. If he still want to be "friends" with her then you know it is over.
Third-definetely some counseling and beging for your forgivness

One more thing,you dont call this mistake.
He is mature man so he should know this will going to hurt you.


Stay strong.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He is rug sweeping. 

Ditch the friend, block her from all social media and phones, after he calls her and tells her in your presence what a monumental mistake he made, and tell her to never ever contact him again. 

Insist on marriage counselling with someone you feel comfortable with. And tell him it won't get better until he is 100% honest and does the work needed to show you how committed he is to saving your marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cut her out 100% immediately.

Send her SO the texts. That'll stop it. And get some of your anger out. Why not share it. They need some consequences.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If I were sexting with another woman, (which I'm not interested in) and she'd came to my house with my wife at a safe distance, I would have nailed her. And most men would. (if not, they'd never let them get through the front door). But perhaps your husband has more integrity than I would have, given the circumstances. Of course he does.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Tell all the mutual friends what has happened. That will end it. I agree though this sounds pretty skanky. Are you sure you want to move on w him? Sometimes bs on here get huge settlements to walk away if they don't expose. It's great leverage. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If they don't have serious consequences to their nasty behavior, they will just take the affair further underground. They are lying to you. They have been physical. 

I'm sorry about your EA coming back to you yet again. One of those gifts that keeps on giving :surprise:

Bibi


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Why in the world would you say it wasn't physical. Even with what you absolutely know they were both finding sexual gratification to the point of climax=that's pretty darn physical. The only element they were leaving out is swapping bodily fluids. So to me at least, the only different between this and a roll in the hay is whether you need an STD.

He cheated. She cheated.
Absolutely under no circumstances does he get to remain friends with this woman. He wants to because he still feels a connection to her. As long as that connection remains, you have a third person in your marriage. If that is not your cup of tea, tell him so. There is nothing wrong with drawing your line in the sand about that.

The standard advice is to expose to family (Yours, his and the FORMER friends' family).
Demand no contact with her
Demand complete transparency, you get passwords to phone, emails, etc.
Don't do anything, or make and rash decisions until he agrees to this and it is completed. You cannot "go on" with the marriage until the third person is out.

IMO, this was not a mistake and I personally reject that characterization of infidelity. A mistake is missing a button on the front of your shirt. This was multiple conscious, deliberate choices done with a full awareness of what he was doing. He was keeping it secret. So he lied and betrayed you.

Whether you eventually reconcile or not is entirely your choice, just like have this A was entirely his (meaning NONE of it is your fault or responsibility).


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, from one woman to another, you know deep in your heart that this affair has gone physical. A woman (not a teenager but one with two children & with a boyfriend) does not send explicit photos to a married man, especially masturbating herself, who has not gone physical. They've had sex.

Your husband wants you to continue to be friends with her and her boyfriend. No! Expose their affair. Your husband definitely wants to rugsweep this affair. They will take this underground. If you expose their affair to family & friends, you will have extra pair of eyes. You might feel humiliated, but I grant you, many of your friends & family may already know. Your husband is not remorseful. I agree with many posters here that he is only sorry that he got caught.

Sorry you are here.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Why in the world would you say it wasn't physical.


That's his story and he's sticking to it.


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## Nyanitatu (Apr 22, 2015)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If he doesn't stop go out and find the biggest good looking body builder you can and invite him over for dinner with your husband and introduce him as you new bestest friend.

😎 I live for getting even. It's very satisfying.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You admit your affair went physical......What duffle bag did hubby have you jump through? Exposure, IC, MC, poly graph? ....You should know the drill by now...


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## ivory (Oct 23, 2015)

I guess you are going to have to turn on the tough love. You know what you want, he is not cooperating, will not cooperate so you must take strong measures. Get a legal separation, and if that doesn't get his attention then file for divorce and see if that gets his attention. If it doesn't then you are already on your way to starting your new life. 

He doesn't understand how much he is hurting you, he doesn't understand that you love him. He may not understand how much he has to lose... sometimes it takes loosing a precious thing before understanding its value. 

You know what to communicate... that you want a monogamous relationship and grow closer through the years. Pretty simple. 

Sorry to read that you are having to deal with this. It sounds like he is having a ball and doesn't want it to end. That kind of lifestyle has its costs but he won't realize them if you let him cake eat. 

The alternative is an open marriage but your text indicates that would not be for you. 

Your previous affair does have an effect. If part of that got swept under the rug then it would probably be good to get it swept back out from under the rug. Hash it all out. It takes what it takes.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

What the two of them did was horrible. From her, you should explain that she should never initiate contact and should terminate all contacts with your husband and you, perhaps suggesting you will evaluate disclosure if that does not occur. Husband should be told the same about contacts with other woman and his lack of concern indicates serious problems in the marriage and that perhaps this is not the first time. 

Any lack of availability by you is a legitimate issues with respect to long term solutions to problems in the marriage. You are entitled to appropriate monitoring and if he's sincerely interested in preserving the marriage (which I am not sure he is given his casual attitude to disclosure of a serious problem) then he should agree.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I did send her the texts with the details . She said she did not want to read them because she did not want to relive it so to speak......and she claims she attempted to show her boyfriend and he didn't want to read them. I've tried showing them to my husband, he wouldn't look either.... I don't know how I am going to get it out of them. ....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

cam1974 said:


> I found out about 2 months ago that my husband of 21 years was sexting my best friend. I saw a lot, there were pictures, videos from her pleasing herself, and very explicit texts. From what I can tell from the cell phone records, this had been going on for at least 3 months, over 5000 messages during this time period. When I found out, I was devastated. To be betrayed not only by my husband, but my someone who I considered one of my closest friends. They both claim it never got physical, but reading the content of their texts, there was some pretty explicit details of things when she cam to visit him at our home. I have so much anger pent up inside about this whole thing. I want to so much move forward with my marriage and so does he. He has apologized for this and admits this should not have happened and is very adamant that noting physical happened. He says I am reading too much into it when I try to talk to him about it. I just want both of them to be honest with me. I do admit we were going through one of those "dry spell" phases is our marriage which I felt contributed to this situation happening (which is no excuse to start something like this) We weren't communicating much, sex wasn't as frequent as it was. We weren't seeing eye to eye over some things. I am not a saint either. Very early on in my marriage I had an emotional affair that I regret. I had let my guard down with someone that was very flirtatious with me. I never let it get physical with this person other that I let him kiss me. when that happened is when I woke up and told myself "what are you doing you ass!!" that is when I told my husband about this. We did work through it and stayed together and everything was great until this. My husband of course threw what I did in my face when I first approached him of his infidelity. I am trying so hard to move past all of this. I did suggest counseling but he will not do it even if I went for myself. He also wants to remain friends with what I now call the other woman. And he wants me to continue to be friends with her. I cannot call her a friend anymore, at least for now. She has apologized profusely to me. She is not married, but is in a relationship with the father of her two boys, who is also friends with my husband. Her other half does know about what happened because she did finally tell him. He did not see the details of what I saw though. He did not have much of a reaction other that he said it was childish and he didn't give a ****. That came off as a weird reaction to me. had he saw the details, I think he would have been more upset. The other hard part is this couple is part of a group of mutual friends we have. We don't get together as much as we used to, but there are the occasional b'day parties, dinners, etch.. that we would go to. None of our friends know about this situation. I know people make mistakes, but this was a pretty big one. I just need some advice how to deal with this situation.



Some ladies like what they can't have.

So a good faithful hubby of 21 years in your situation.

Your best female friend (single, not married but in a relationship), loves the fact you have a great hubby for 21 years. Forbidden fruit.

She starts texting and then sexting with your hubby over the 3 months and with inappropriate pics of herself.

She is getting the attention she needed, and from a great hubby of 21 years.

The fact that you had an EA very early in your marriage did damage and when your hubby was texting and then sexting, he probably didn't see it as a big deal because of your EA.

You even let this guy kiss you.

I'm glad you found out and put a stop to this now because it probably would of become a physical affair.

I know many ladies love it when they socialize and flirt with their girlfriends hubbies. I know this all to well.....Mrs.CuddleBug's work had a few ladies that always loved to hug me and I'd walk around with them and other ladies would almost and did talk dirty with me.....ages from early 20's to 50's.

Did I ever start texting and sexting them? No.

But I do flirt with them, makes them feel good and to me, its harmless. They like the fact Mrs.CuddleBug and I have been married over 16 years now and that I'm a big, strong and great hubby.

Now this may sound odd, but I never owned a cell until 1 full year ago. I have many apps (over 90), many contacts and I text almost every day. I have NO female contacts besides Mrs.CuddleBugs' family (Mom, Sister) and our strata management lady.

I have never sexted anyone beside Mrs.CuddleBug. I have a huge collection of emoticons for flirting and love, sexy, etc. I surprise her every few days.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You want a poly to prove it was not physical hes lying and unremorseful. Notify all the friends. Publish the video or at least send them to mutual friends and her bf and tell them this is what your xfriend was sending to hubby. Do not include us in any social get together she is invited to. Do not communicate with ex friend. Did the bf tell you himself he did not want to see evidence.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

No the bf did not tell me he didn't want to see the texts. I am so tempted to pull him aside one day and show him though. I also don't want to get to vengeful and ruin any progress that my husband and I are making with working through this. I don't want to make this public and take the chances of our daughters (ages 21 & 16) find out any of this. This would be devastating to them and I don't want them to hate their father.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> You admit your affair went physical......What duffle bag did hubby have you jump through? Exposure, IC, MC, poly graph? ....You should know the drill by now...


When did she admit this? :scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way, the idea of publishing the videos might work in fiction, but the law is now blocking this idea in real life, so please do be careful with this kind of advice.

Yeah, I know, another avenue of exposure is blocked...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She had an Emotional Affair early in her marriage and even let this other man kiss her.

Hmmmmmmm, I'm sure her hubby remembers.

She told her hubby and they got help.

Now 21 years later, he doesn't have an EA or even lets this other woman kiss him. He did the texting and then sexting with this other woman, she loved the fact he's a great hubby of 21 years (forbidden fruit, wants what she can't have), you see. It's horrible that it was her best female friend.

If she didn't have the EA and let this other guy kiss her, "very early in her marriage", then I can see her anger over this situation.

Call it karma. What goes around does come around, sooner or later. Don't be upset when it does.

You should be more forgiving of your hubby considering the EA and kiss early in your marriage, which never should of happened.


If I would of had an EA, kissed another woman and maybe more, very early being married to Mrs.CuddleBug, she would of freaked and maybe divorced me right there!!!

Now fast forward in my marriage 16+ years later. Mrs.CuddleBug has been sexting a good male friend of mine for the last 3 months. Of course I would get upset and put a stop to it but since I did the EA and kiss, maybe more very early in our marriage, I would be more forgiving....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation, however, you have come to the right place. You will hear some hard truth here, but it will help you to make good decisions.




cam1974 said:


> No the bf did not tell me he didn't want to see the texts. I am so tempted to pull him aside one day and show him though. I also don't want to get to vengeful and ruin any progress that my husband and I are making with working through this. I don't want to make this public and take the chances of our daughters (ages 21 & 16) find out any of this. This would be devastating to them and I don't want them to hate their father.


Your kids need to know the truth. They will misinterpret what is going on in your marriage and blame you for any trouble. And your husband will allow it. This will give them the wrong impression and they will learn the wrong lessons. Tell them the truth. If your husband has a problem with that, he should have thought of it before he started this nonsense. It is going to be hard for them, but life is hard and it's better that life is truthful than having family secrets. The worst kinds of secrets are those that impact your life, but no one will let you in on.

Chances are extremely remote that he did was not physically intimate with her. If the texts said they did, then they did and he is obviously lying. You don't have to get him to admit something to know it is true and to act on the truth. The decisions you make should be based on what you know to be true, not on what your husband or your worst friend tells you is true.
I'd stop calling her your best friend. She is clearly your worst friend and more accurately your enemy now. If your husband is insisting that you stay friends with her and that he be allowed to be friends with her, he is not concerned for you or your feelings. He wants his cush life and his mistress both. Do you want him to have both? If not, then you are going to have to draw some boundaries, which will include be willing to divorce him. That is the best way to save your marriage. If the marriage isn't saved, then at least you will have your dignity.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> When did she admit this? :scratchhead:


Here.


> Very early on in my marriage *I had an emotional affair *that I regret. I had let my guard down with someone that was very flirtatious with me. *I never let it get physical with this person other that I let him kiss me.* when that happened is when I woke up and told myself "what are you doing you ass!!" that is when I told my husband about this. We did work through it and stayed together and everything was great until this.


Yes, I am one of those who considers kissing and heavy petting "physical" in this context. We all have different lines.


> My husband of course threw what I did in my face when I first approached him of his infidelity.


Of course he did, it is the way these excuses fly when we have these threads. Even with your prior infidelity, it is still wrong.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> OP, from one woman to another, you know deep in your heart that this affair has gone physical. A woman (not a teenager but one with two children & with a boyfriend) does not send explicit photos to a married man, especially masturbating herself, who has not gone physical. They've had sex.
> 
> Your husband wants you to continue to be friends with her and her boyfriend. No! Expose their affair. Your husband definitely wants to rugsweep this affair. They will take this underground. If you expose their affair to family & friends, you will have extra pair of eyes. You might feel humiliated, but I grant you, many of your friends & family may already know. Your husband is not remorseful. I agree with many posters here that he is only sorry that he got caught.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


You will regret later unless you follow the above advice

And for goodness sake on no account do either of you see this OW......talk about playing with fire

And its very very unlikely they didn't have sex...sorry 

Make sure you show her other half the emails/vids.....he will make sure she stays away from his end


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

1) They banged like rabbits. If they were within 50 miles believe it.

2) Cut the OW out of your life FOREVER. She's no friend. She's a snake.

3) Expose the affair to everyone. Your husband needs consequences.

4) Marriage counseling is a must. Start working on your independence.

5) He sounds remorseless (ie rug sweeping, minimizing). Sorry he got caught.

6) I'm not seeing any heaving lifting here, keep divorce option on the table.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

boltam said:


> Publish the videos of her sexting herself on Youtube along with her name and number.


DO NOT DO THIS! It is actually illegal in some states (revenge porn) and changes the legal situation in others.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Lostme said:


> You both made mistake that is clear, what I don't understand is why you want to still be with a man that was sexting and who know what else with you best friend.
> 
> I think you should stand up to him, and let him know you do not want to be her friend anymore and he will not be her friend either. You or your marriage will never recover from this if you are having her thrown in your face, your husband does not care about you or your feelings he just wants his cake and eat it too.
> 
> ...


She probably feels guilt because he stuck around after she cheated. They are separate incidents, but it will color any decision making at this point.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

cam1974 said:


> I did send her the texts with the details . She said she did not want to read them because she did not want to relive it so to speak......and she claims she attempted to show her boyfriend and he didn't want to read them. I've tried showing them to my husband, he wouldn't look either.... I don't know how I am going to get it out of them. ....


You don't have to get anything out of them. They don't have to admit anything. But you know the truth.

It is very painful but you have to file for divorce. And make the situation known to all your mutual friends and your husbands family and your family. Tell them what has been going on and don't hide the cheating aspect of it.

Let him deal with what he has done as best he can.

Tell him that his only option for saving the marriage is to cut off all contact with her. And he has to open his phone and computer to your inspection.

Don't give in. Giving in means that you accept the fact that they will continue to see each other.

I know that this is painful for you to even think about. But you have no other weapon but leaving him. If he doesn't object to your filing for divorce, then you have all the proof you need that your marriage is over and has been over for some time.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

cam1974 said:


> No the bf did not tell me he didn't want to see the texts. I am so tempted to pull him aside one day and show him though. I also don't want to get to vengeful and ruin any progress that my husband and I are making with working through this. I don't want to make this public and take the chances of our daughters (ages 21 & 16) find out any of this. This would be devastating to them and I don't want them to hate their father.


Take the bf aside and show him the evidence.

What progress are you making toward saving your marriage? Has your husband come clean? Is he remorseful? Has he cut off contact with your former bff? Is he going to marriage counseling with you?

If he hasn't done all of these things he's playing you for a fool.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> She had an Emotional Affair early in her marriage and even let this other man kiss her.
> 
> Hmmmmmmm, I'm sure her hubby remembers.
> 
> ...


I agree with the part about (maybe) being more forgiving, but do you honestly believe that she has no right to get upset about her husband sexting with her friend? Simply because she had an emotional affair and kissed another man? I disagree. I think she has a right to feel how she feels. Call it karma if you wish, but she has the right to be upset at her husband cheating, too. They chose to work things out after her affair, then he did the same, probably more, 21 years later. Both were much more than "just flirting", whether only in texts, phone calls, or online.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She has every right to be angry and feel betrayed.

But there are two people in the marriage and cheating is cheating, whether is just an emotional affair with kisses and maybe more.....or full blown physical affair. Cheating is cheating and that leaves scars.

She alone messed around very early in the marriage which never should of happened if she truly loved him.

Did he freak out and get as angry as she is now with him texting/sexting her girlfriend?

All I'm saying is this is what's called karma. What goes around always comes around. 

If you cheated in the beginning, even physical, this will happen to you later in life. You should be more forgiving because you did something similar.

Now she is this upset. Maybe this is how he felt when she cheated on him?

Marriage is 50 / 50.

I say, forgive him, get help together and both of them never mess around again. Start fresh, clean and equal.

Remember, she cheated on him first, very early in the marriage.....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

A past indiscretion doesn't mean you have to be easier to forgive or forget when it happens to you. 

One thing you should do is take all of the comments like:
He's lying.
Of course it went physical.
They were alone.

And remember they are most likely what went through you husband's mind 21 years ago. This would be empathy. Having empathy doesn't mean you need to give him any type of break. It just means you might be able to understand his initial reactions and judge him a little less harshly.

What you should do is:
Take some time to cool down.
Make no hard decisions in your current state.
Understand what you can forgive or let go.
Realize these are two separate incidents.

Also, ignore Karma, we westerners have screwed it all up.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She cheated on her hubby very early in the marriage. Emotional Affair, kiss(es) and maybe more.....

He was having a sexting affair, maybe more, with her girlfriend.


Both are cheating.

Both hurt each other.

Both of them now understand how it feels to be cheated on.

It hurts and leaves scars.


What she did is no worse than what he has done. Cheating is cheating, whether its emotional and some physical or full blown physical.


Both of them forgive each other, get help together and make their marriage stronger from this.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Both of them forgive each other, get help together and make their marriage stronger from this.


There's one little problem to this great ending. Her WH wants to cake eat. 

Bibi


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> She cheated on her hubby very early in the marriage. Emotional Affair, kiss(es) and maybe more.....
> 
> He was having a sexting affair, maybe more, with her girlfriend.
> 
> ...


If they choose to do so. Don't get me wrong. I agree with working to improve the marriage. But her past behavior does not mean she HAS to work things out with him. I also agree with your statement that cheating is cheating, regardless. Unfortunately, some feel that if it was just words, then it is only "flirting". Perhaps that is how her husband views it? If so, it will be very difficult for her to work on fixing anything, as long as he maintains that it wasn't an affair, it wasn't bad, or even that it wasn't as bad as she had done (kissing). Either way, there is no obligation to work it out.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

All I can say is "I guess it sucks when it happens to you." What goes around comes around.

First of all, end the relationship with your so called friend and insist on no contact. Then you can either work through this with him like he did with you or you can separate. Sound like you are both pretty messed up.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I left out what I already addressed.



> Both are cheating.


 No, both are now cheaters huge difference.





> Both of them forgive each other, get help together and make their marriage stronger from this.


Or not. She gets the same choice he did, she just has an empathy factor he did not. He chose to stay and work on things. It doesn't give someone and "oops card" to play later. Yes, it may be hypocritical to some, but she still gets the choice of yeah or nay regardless of her past.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think she walks that was just too skanky, way too skanky! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Who said that this boyfriend of hers didn't give a sh!t ? Her or you heard these words come out of his mouth ? If they did, do you know for a FACT that she clearly expressed what was going on ? 

Or did she just tell you I told him and he said "I don't give a sh!t"..

If he in fact does know exactly what went on, then it is more likely he is doing the samething. He was never really serious with this woman. 

Only a person who truly isn't invested in a relationship is gonna be so cool about it.. 

Further, YOU can believe anything you want.. But realize they fvcked.. They are adults for christ sakes.. I am NOT gonna send my pic of anything to a woman I am NOT fvcking.. Granted I know guys on dating sites do such things.. But these people know each other.. There are many barriers that DO NOT need to be crossed.. 

It is very clear they got their stories straight and you just weren't sharp or quick enough from the start.. Not a big deal, you did what you did and felt needed to be done.. 

But don't keep getting the wool pulled over your eyes.. 

You cannot be friends with any of these people and neither can he.. 

You are going to have to find some strength but from what I am reading, it is clear you don't.. Or at least not right now.. Again not a big deal, this stuff is hard to deal with.. I know I wasn't strong in the beginning either.. 

But the tougher you are on him the quicker you can start working to fix this.. 

You need to decide or face the reality that you might need to let him go and tell your kids.. First off they are not kids especially the 21 year old.. That is his problem to fix his fvck ups with his kids not you.. All you need to do is NOT BAD MOUTH him to your kids... 

No matter what a cheating piece of sh!t my ex wife was, I always told my kids. I love mommy and one day we will fix this.. Even when she was living with this other man I told them that.. Even they know it wa bullsh!t, but I never bad mouthed her.. Even if I wanted to toss her off a roof top.

Figure out what you want to do and set your plan up.. Either he fixes this or this happens.. And stick to it.. 

Don't make ultimatums you cannot or do not have the fortitude to keep or enact.. 


Good luck, keep posting..


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I haven't read any of the responses but I see some are fairly long. 

In my opinion, they should all say, "DIVORCE". 

I don't think anyone is evolved enough to honestly overcome that level of betrayal.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I appreciate all the feedback on my situation. My husband and I have had to many happy years to throw away our marriage over our past indiscretions. Yea... I guess you can call it karma...

I do know he has not attempted to contact her at all. And I have made it very clear to both of them that they cannot be friends like they were before this nonsense started. Told her she is not to contact him. I am definitely going to stand firm and push towards severing any ties with this couple. 

I do believe he is sincere telling me this should have never happened and he realizes how much this has hurt us. We both have agreed to never hurt each other again. I know we will survive


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

cam1974 said:


> *I do believe he is sincere telling me* this should have never happened and he realizes how much this has hurt us. We both have agreed to never hurt each other again. *I know we will survive*


Highlight number two is the reason for highlight number one

You want this to work so much I understand BUT you must make sure what you want to happen does indeed happen...period


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

cam1974 said:


> I appreciate all the feedback on my situation. My husband and I have had to many happy years to throw away our marriage over our past indiscretions. Yea... I guess you can call it karma...
> 
> I do know he has not attempted to contact her at all. And I have made it very clear to both of them that they cannot be friends like they were before this nonsense started. Told her she is not to contact him. I am definitely going to stand firm and push towards severing any ties with this couple.
> 
> I do believe he is sincere telling me this should have never happened and he realizes how much this has hurt us. We both have agreed to never hurt each other again. I know we will survive


So what are you doing to make sure of this?
Are you both going to insist on complete transparency"
Are you both going to go to IC and MC to address the problems.

So far what you've gotten from his is a "Sure, sure baby. It will never happen again."

You two did enough rugsweeping with your EA, please don't do it again now. Really, really address the issues or they WILL repeat.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

cam1974 said:


> I am not a saint either. Very early on in my marriage I had an emotional affair that I regret.* I had let my guard down with someone that was very flirtatious with me. I never let it get physical with this person other that I let him kiss me. * when that happened is when I woke up and told myself "what are you doing you ass!!" that is when I told my husband about this.
> 
> *We did work through it and stayed together and everything was great until this. *
> 
> ...


Cam,

Great Until This?

Look, I'm 6+ years into R with my WW. It was physical and she had multiple OM. I can assure you your H never forgot your PA (that's what it was). It sits on the sidelines at the end of the bench, never gets in the game, but forever on the team. 

You both need serious IC/MC. And BTW, you and him both need to quit lying to yourselves and each other. Truth is the only hope.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

cam1974, sorry you have to go thru this, but here's the difference. You confessed, he was caught, and it would still be going on if not for that.

Please, even if you have no desire for D, please read jnb150 thread.
Especially considering where you said,, " there was some pretty explicit details of things when she came to visit him at our home ."

I'm not telling you to destroy your marriage. I just want you to know all you are forgiving.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

boltam said:


> Publish the videos of her sexting herself on Youtube along with her name and number.


don't forget public rest room stalls.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Please read OldWolf's post 2, 3, 4 more times. That distinction - feeling remorseful, confessing, facing the music versus being caught - makes a world of difference.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I have contacted the OW because I want to have a face to face sit down with her to talk about everything (don't know if and when this will happen). The only communication I've had with her is via text messages. The reason I want to talk to her is to put some closure on this and move towards cutting ties with her.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

cam1974 said:


> I have contacted the OW because I want to have a face to face sit down with her to talk about everything (don't know if and when this will happen). The only communication I've had with her is via text messages. The reason I want to talk to her is to put some closure on this and move towards cutting ties with her.


This could go BAD. REALLY BAD...Be careful, she may be NUTS. DUDE


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Do not give into him. 

He made the decision long ago to stay with you after your EA, he cannot now throw it back in your face and 2 wrongs do NOT make a right. 

Of course he wants you to stay friends with her. How could you all get together knowing they are looking at each other, thinking of all the dirty nasty things they've "done" and talked about. They BOTH need to be exposed. DO NOT BE A FOOL.

I am sorry you are going through this.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

cam1974,

You've been given some very good advice, but I will re-emphasize one point that's been made.

It is extremely unlikely that this was an EA only. Men don't stop at sexting/videos for that long a period and for that many messages. It would be foolish to give him the benefit of the doubt for what amounts to a 99% chance this was a PA. He's insulting your intelligence - adding insult to injury. 

So, you should assume it's a PA and go from there. If you can forgive a PA, then fine. But; there's another problem that prevents you from going forward toward a true R. He's lying.

In addition to no contact with her, exposure, and cutting this friend off completely, you should insist he tell you the truth. If he doesn't, "ask" him if he'd be willing to take a poly. I'm guessing he won't be; and if not, that's one more thing for you to take pause over before you commit to R. If he is - you should absolutely make sure he takes one.

Tell him you can't forgive him until you are sure what you're trying to forgive.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

badmemory said:


> cam1974,
> 
> You've been given some very good advice, but I will re-emphasize one point that's been made.
> 
> ...


I agree. If you don't do this now, you will regret it in the future.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

an update on this situation.....I have questioned my husband over an over about everything. He swears this was all fantasy play with her, that nothing physically happened. He has been sincere with apologizing to me. He said it was a big mistake and never should have happened, he was being a man..... I know he has not attempted to contact her at all. I told him my reasoning why I felt this way because of the details of the sexting they were sending back and forth. I did also have a talk with my former friend. She is saying the same thing. She told me if anything physically had happened, she would not be able to face me. She was more sincere with me that he was. She understood why I was reacting the way I did because she went through this with her significant other cheating on her a while back. I told her I would not allow her to be friends like she was with him, the trust that I had in them as friends had been broken. I told both of them that is the consequence of this BS happening. Part of me wants to believe them, part of me, well you know.....It's just hard to believe with all the BS I saw. I know I need to move on and forgive though. both my husband and I want our marriage to work, way to many happy years to throw away


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry, but I would bet that they are both lying about the PA part of all this. They colluded and got their stories straight.

People who have experienced infidelity often say that the lying was worse than the cheating. I think you are being trickle-truthed. If so, this is a death knell for your marriage.

If you really want to move on and salvage all of those good years, you should do something independent to confirm that he is being honest. How did all this start? Did they just suddenly, out of the blue, start sending one another crotch shots? Seriously? How long has their deceit really been happening? I don't believe what they say. I don't think you should either.

I would schedule a poly before committing to move forward with him. And no forgiving the friend. Ever. She has to be out of your life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It's hard to believe, because they are lying. The burden of proof is in his court. Have him take a poly, so you know for sure.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My question is WHY WOULD YOUR HUSBAND EXPECT YOU TO STAY FRIENDS WITH THIS OW? Why?

If my friend sent sexual text or videos of herself masturbating to my husband, she would be gone. She would be dead to me. And you better believe my husband would have no say in that matter. 

Boundaries were crossed and broken. I would send a copy of it to everyone of our other friends, so they can see what kind of woman she is. Is this the kind of person your husband wants to stay friends with? what is wrong with him. 

I agree with the other posters, they cooked up a story between them and is feeding it to you. Take your blinders off. This pot will be spilling over soon again. Because they will find a way to have sex again. They probably did it in your house and in your bed.

Put your foot down. He cannot be friends with her, socialize with her nor should you. He is putting you in a position to face this woman and act normal. He does not get to tell you to stay friends with her. 

I would rip into him and her. You have been very nice. Keep your eyes open. Talk to your other friends and listen to what they have to tell you. Don't keep this a secret to save face.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

When one spouse cheats on the other, there will forever be a ***** in the armor and provide one less reason for the other spouse to resist the temptation and the opportunity when it presents itself. And the opportunity always presents itself.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

They are not telling you the truth,trust me.

If you really want to save your marriage then your husband should stop every contact with her,just like you should.

He told you he was tempted because he was "a man" ! 

I am man too,but I never cheated since my first girlfriend to now. Now I am a less of man,hmm.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

cam1974 said:


> He did not have much of a reaction other that he said it was childish and he didn't give a ****.


If he's secure in himself, haws his own interests and fulfilment outside his intimate relationship then he probably doesn't feel threatened by it. also if he has LD, then he might find it a relief.

while we can all agree that it crossed the line, and was tasteless, and an EA. why is it really upsetting you? You don't feel the need to control your partner's activities through sex do you?

*Not* saying you shouldn't feel upset, betrayed, etc. But _why_ is it such an issue for you. You can't force him into your control (is that your need?) so the best thing is to work out what hot button of yours is getting hit. Then whether or not you want to change or resolve or risk that further.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"*Not* saying you shouldn't feel upset, betrayed, etc. But _why_ is it such an issue for you. You can't force him into your control (is that your need?) so the best thing is to work out what hot button of yours is getting hit. Then whether or not you want to change or resolve or risk that further."

It seems it is an issue for her because she feels upset, betrayed, etc. It's doubtful that she could point to one 'button' that is being hit. Combine that with the fact that she most likely does not have the truth from either of them. Don't forget this is a double betrayal. Add that to the fact that she will question if it is wise to ever introduce him to another friend or even relative.

Asking why it is such an issue for her really has me:scratchhead:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

cam1974 said:


> I told her I would not allow her to be friends like she was with him, the trust that I had in them as friends had been broken. I told both of them that is the consequence of this BS happening. Part of me wants to believe them, part of me, well you know.....It's just hard to believe with all the BS I saw. I know I need to move on and forgive though. both my husband and I want our marriage to work, way to many happy years to throw away


 It does not matter if they physically cheated or not if they emotionally cheated. What they had is called an emotional affair (EA). Having an emotional affairs is cheating. If your spouse wants to stay in the marriage, and wants you to forgive him, he must agree to full and complete no contact (NC) with his EA partner for life. This must be non-negotiable and he must be willing to do this if he is sincerely sorry. Full NC with an affair partner is standard stuff after you have cheated. Your husband cannot un-ring the bell with his EA partner and be just friends with her again. If you reconcile with him without him agreeing to full NC for life with his EA partner, you will be in false reconciliation and he would have cheated on you without consequences. If you do not put your foot down on this, you will live to regret it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

brooklynAnn said:


> *Put your foot down. He cannot be friends with her, socialize with her nor should you. * He is putting you in a position to face this woman and act normal. He does not get to tell you to stay friends with her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## 40YOL (Nov 20, 2015)

You say they have not been in contact. What proof do you have of this? Your husband could have a burner phone & they have taken this underground. Of course he doesn’t want IC or MC he just wants to rug sweep. Tell him if he can pass a polygraph you’ll forget about the IC & MC but the questions will include whether they had intercourse and the date of last contact. Then see what his reaction is. Tell him the polygraph will be cheaper than a series of IC or NC sessions and it would relieve your mind and allow you to start reestablishing trust.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> If he's secure in himself, haws his own interests and fulfilment outside his intimate relationship then he probably doesn't feel threatened by it. also if he has LD, then he might find it a relief.


LOL. This conjecture, not just you, on the boyfriend's reaction is funny. If he reacted with hysterics, people would be calling him a weak punk. None of us know what happened when they got home. I am one of those guys who, was raised to keep my business out of the street. He may be as well.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

Well, we've been invited to an annual holiday party that the former friend and her partner have. They have invited us, our kids, my husbands parents. There will be a ton of people there. I am torn as to whether I want to go or not. The other people will be a distraction for me. I will be telling my husband my feelings about going. I will be cordial to her, but that's it. I have no desire to continue a friendship with her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Have you told her SO. Take hubby to a poly to verify. My clerks hubby was sleeping with bosses wife and when she went to confront her, her hubby sent a message to cow" She is on her way over there, we did not have sex" That's what came to mind with your situation.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

As for party.....he'll to the no!!!! They want rugsweeping.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

cam1974 said:


> Well, we've been invited to an annual holiday party that the former friend and her partner have. They have invited us, our kids, my husbands parents. There will be a ton of people there. I am torn as to whether I want to go or not. The other people will be a distraction for me. I will be telling my husband my feelings about going. I will be cordial to her, but that's it. I have no desire to continue a friendship with her.


 Do not go and do not allow your husband or children to go. You going, your family going, along with your parents going will indicate that what happened must not have been that big a deal. Once you allow no contact to be broken for something as unimportant as a party, it will be difficult for you to continue to enforce no contact later. After being at the party with your parents, imagine trying to later explain that you are divorcing your husband because he has secretly broken no contact with this other woman. Long term, you are setting your marriage up for possible failure by not taking what has happened as seriously as you should.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

No no no no no no no no


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why would you even consider going? She is not your friend. She is your enemy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cam1974 said:


> Well, we've been invited to an annual holiday party that the former friend and her partner have. They have invited us, our kids, my husbands parents. There will be a ton of people there. I am torn as to whether I want to go or not. The other people will be a distraction for me. I will be telling my husband my feelings about going. I will be cordial to her, but that's it. I have no desire to continue a friendship with her.


The fact that this person is still part of your, your husband's, or your family's life is a complete and total disrespect.

This person is a cancerous tumour that needs to be excised from your life.

Do not go. Your children do not go. Your husband does not go.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Where is your respect for yourself?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Dont go. If you dont respect yourself then who is going to!

No Contact if you want to rebuild your Marriage. Noone knows how you feel and how bad both of them hurt you.

Dont think about "how is this going to look to our friends". If you are really woried about that then they are not your real friends.

This is your life and your marriage.

Stay strong


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

cam1974 said:


> Well, we've been invited to an annual holiday party that the former friend and her partner have. They have invited us, our kids, my husbands parents. There will be a ton of people there. I am torn as to whether I want to go or not. The other people will be a distraction for me. I will be telling my husband my feelings about going. I will be cordial to her, but that's it. I have no desire to continue a friendship with her.


Why on earth would you go? Do your parents have any clue about what's happened? What are your feelings about going? Is he still in contact with her?


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