# my kids hate my boyfriend



## nmc

*Need ADVICE*

We have been together 5 years, he has raised both of my children like they are his own. Infact, My 7 year old hasnt saw his real father since he was 2. From the get go, the kids and him have always had a great relationship. The last year has been an extremely rough year. We spilt up for 4 months over some issues that we both have gotten over. The kids are saying now that they no longer like him and do not want to move back in with him. Im confused on what to do. Yes, we argue, who doesnt.... He is not abusive to me or the children, He provides a wonderful life for us. I think he is an amazing father to the boys. I dont want to force them to go home, or feel like i choose MY feelings over thiers. But im desperate to have my "family" back. Any suggestions ???


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## Cherry

Where are they now if they're not with you? Is whoever they are staying with happy with your choice to stay with your H after y'alls 4 month separation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nmc

No, they are with me. I got my own place when i moved out.


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## nmc

being apart is really taking a toll on our realtionship. we want to be together, but we are getting used to not being together now. My emotions are so messed up. i just want my family back.


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## Cherry

Are you able to spend small amounts of time together with the children? Maybe ease back into the situation and let them see for themselves that the two of you are working on bettering your lives together? Maybe a weekend here and there. How old is your other son? I know when my H and I reconciled my oldest child didn't want anything to do with him. She was 16 at the time... She eventually eased back into coming around our house more and we kept things as "family" like as possible to let her see that things were okay.


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## nmc

my oldest is almost 12. that actually is great advice, to ease them back in. He has been working 16 hour days for the last 3 weeks, so we have had NO TIME to even think about family time. 

one of the things that really got to me, is that (my) OUR 7 year old told him " I HATE YOU" , my child never acts that way. esp not to his "father". To hear him say that, when he is generally a loving affectinate child, hurt me and hurt my H.


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## Cherry

I think they can come around to liking him again if y'all can show your children that things are okay again. I'm guessing it was difficult on them when you moved out, into a new place? They could be scared too of yet another change 4 months later, i.e. y'all moving again. Just some thoughts. It probably hurt your 7 year old when you moved out and away from his "father", the man he's known for many years... I think the little guy can adjust if given time.


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## nmc

Cherry, thank you for responding. it really means a lot to me to hear someone elses opinion. My family and friends dont know what to say to me any more, and i feel like they are tired of hearing about it. i dont want to bother them anymore. 
I think you are right, and i hope it works out that i get my family back, but if not, i know God has something in store for me and my boys. and maybe all this is a stepping stone. I love my boyfriend, very much, but if this tears us apart completely, then i guess it wasnt meant to be. and thats how im feeling right now, because all the being away from eachother, and not having our stuff in the same home, we are ending up with 2 of everything. and our lives seem to be moving on ... sadly, with out each other. Its hard to swallow.


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## Cherry

You're welcome. I know how hard it is to not have anyone to turn to. A 5 year relationship possibly ending can be painful... I have been married for 5 years and I've also known my husband for a total of 5 years and 41 days. We are having problems as well. Our problems have been going on from about 3 months into our marriage. And I don't know how much more I can take. But I believe as you do, God has a plan. Sometimes when things seem at there worst, I basically throw my hands up and say to myself Let go and let God. Best wishes to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nmc

if you need to talk it out, im here for you.


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## mokedoke

Not sure if either the person who wrote the question or the person who answered are still paying attention but I am having a similar problem and I really don't know what to do.

I have been divorced for 5 years. I have been in my current relationship for about 3 and 1/2 years. We broke up for a few months about a year ago and then decided to get back together. We then decided to get engaged. At the time, my daughter (11) was happy about it but my son (14) was very upset. Our break up was in part due to issues between him and my son. The problems have continued and are getting worse. We've had a lot of arguments over the last few months and my daughter has decided she doesn't like him. They have both seen me very upset because of our arguments and it has been hard on them. My boyfriend's feelings are hurt that my kids don't like him. Instead of being the adult and just dealing with it (i.e., be pleasant to the kids and respectful) he doesn't want to be around when they are here. We have the same kid schedule. He has one son...my kids don't like his son either. His son can be annoying (he's about my daughter's age). He is a bit of a know-it-all. 

Long story short, my boyfriend and I hardly see eachother. When we do, and it's just us, it's usually good. But the long periods between visits (he lives 75 miles away) are awkward and lonely. Recently I planned a summer trip with my kids (just me and my kids) and my boyfriend was very upset. 

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I think I know what needs to be done...I'm just afraid to do it. I tried to do it a year ago but I was miserable and we ended up back together. I am afraid I won't be able to stick with my decision if we break up. I'm actually waiting for him to come over right now. He's works late tonight and then he's coming out. I'm trying to mentally prepare for a difficult but necessary discussion. Looking for support from strangers because my friends/family are tired of hearing about all of this.

If you're still out there, I would love to hear back. Thanks!

md


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## nmc

mokedoke:

sorry just seeing this. Im still around. how did things turn out the other night ?


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## specwar

Interesting that they hate your boyfriend after they had such a great relationship. It is almost as if there was a lot of public animosity shared with them.

Best advice - Adults put up a united front to their children (all the time). To disagree publicly is appropriate because it teaches the children how to deal with awkward situations. Fighting is appropriate away ( out of earshot) of the children because the proper raising of the children is the (most) important thing that parents do. NOTHING else comes first. 

We also don't talk (down) somebody. Especially the other parent. I tell my children that my wife and I don't agree on bla bla bla. (making it a disagreement) We don't ever make it personal. Even though it is always personal for us. 

This of course assumes that you are both productive and decent people. If their is substance abuse or physical abuse (hitting). Spanking is not abuse then all bets are off and not subject to discretion (of any kind) in my opinion. 

I don't know how so much could have gone wrong to change their view of him in such a short period of time. The other writers were correct though. The best way to fix it is to build good memories one day at a time. Eventually those will replace the bad (whatever) and they will grow to love him again.

Time heals most wounds. And children do not dictate who or where we live unless they are paying the bills. It may seem cold but a young person doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain much less give me advice on who or where I should live.


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## EleGirl

mokedoke said:


> Not sure if either the person who wrote the question or the person who answered are still paying attention but I am having a similar problem and I really don't know what to do.
> 
> I have been divorced for 5 years. I have been in my current relationship for about 3 and 1/2 years. We broke up for a few months about a year ago and then decided to get back together. We then decided to get engaged. At the time, my daughter (11) was happy about it but my son (14) was very upset. Our break up was in part due to issues between him and my son. The problems have continued and are getting worse. We've had a lot of arguments over the last few months and my daughter has decided she doesn't like him. They have both seen me very upset because of our arguments and it has been hard on them. My boyfriend's feelings are hurt that my kids don't like him. Instead of being the adult and just dealing with it (i.e., be pleasant to the kids and respectful) he doesn't want to be around when they are here. We have the same kid schedule. He has one son...my kids don't like his son either. His son can be annoying (he's about my daughter's age). He is a bit of a know-it-all.
> 
> Long story short, my boyfriend and I hardly see eachother. When we do, and it's just us, it's usually good. But the long periods between visits (he lives 75 miles away) are awkward and lonely. Recently I planned a summer trip with my kids (just me and my kids) and my boyfriend was very upset.
> 
> I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I think I know what needs to be done...I'm just afraid to do it. I tried to do it a year ago but I was miserable and we ended up back together. I am afraid I won't be able to stick with my decision if we break up. I'm actually waiting for him to come over right now. He's works late tonight and then he's coming out. I'm trying to mentally prepare for a difficult but necessary discussion. Looking for support from strangers because my friends/family are tired of hearing about all of this.
> 
> If you're still out there, I would love to hear back. Thanks!
> 
> md


You should start your own thread and copy/paste the above into it. That way people here will be able to help you directly.


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## EleGirl

nmc, 

How is your situation now?


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## nmc

The kids and him are back to normal. they were just upset and had a lot of anger towards him ( felt abandoned ) more less. everything is good


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## mokedoke

nmc,

thanks for responding. the other night went strangely well. before he got here i wrote in my journal for a while and came up with my list of musts for our conversation. by the time he got here, i felt much better and i was actually happy to see him. for whatever reason, he is VERY sensitive when people don't like him. it doesn't matter if those people are kids. what i realized when i saw my kids a few days later was that their opinions about people are going to fluctuate for their own selfish reasons...as they should when they are growing up. i had a long talk with the boyfriend about our relationship and the fact that my kids are not negotiable. he kind of broke down (emotionally) because he feels like he's trying so hard in every facet of his life and nothing seems to be going his way. we don't have a lot of time to spend together and sometimes during our time apart, if we haven't had much contact, we both build up resentment. he becomes jealous of my time with my kids and that makes him act in ways that he doesn't intend. 

my kids have been extra sensitive also because of some issues with their dad. my kids' dad is getting re-married in june and he is making a lot of concessions to his new bride that are affecting the kids. i want him to be happy but he seems to have forgotten about the impact his actions have on his kids. he is moving to a different city with the new wife so the kids will be living there half of the time. they will still stay in school where i live but when they're with him, they won't be near their friends. his wife-to-be doesn't have any kids and the only reason they are moving where she lives is because her work commute would be too difficult if she moved where he lives. (though she makes about 1/3 of what he makes.) i am trying to be supportive of his decisions and his ability to move on with his life, but the kids are starting to build up bitterness and resentment towards the new wife. 

i think my bf knows that i have to be there for my kids...especially when they have all of this additional uncertainty in the near future.

long story short, it really helped me just to put the message out there and to write about it in my journal. i'm feeling pretty good about things for the time being. 

EleGirl - thank you for the advice of reposting. for now, i'm feeling better but i will start a new thread if things start going south. just nice to know people are out there who are going (or have gone) through the same stuff as me ;-)


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