# When is enough enough?



## keymaster (May 22, 2015)

I'm not sure where else to go at this point and I'm hoping someone can offer me some sort of advice. Please don't hold back, anything might help me right now. 

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. I was 16 when we started dating. We have had our share of up's and downs as anyone who has been together through these years of finding yourself would know. 

Unfortunately our time together has included a lot of pain and for years my husband battled with anger issues and unfortunately me being the closest to him, got the brunt of those issues. It all came to a nasty head about 5 years ago, and we both decided that it was now a stay or go situation. Well we both chose stay and went through counselling together and things got better. I had my best friend back. We had a daughter together and she is amazing, and our family together is pretty awesome. I'm pregnant right now and 2 months away from having #2. 

The problem is that we have somehow completely disconnected from each other. I know one of the main issues is me and my sexuality towards my husband. Don't get me wrong, I am a very sexual person but there is so much pain from our past and now when he gets angry or exudes any of his past attitudes towards me, I shut myself up and I have a very hard time being intimate with him. He's a very negative person and after so many years of putting up with it, I'm just done. I find it very hard to connect with him sexually because of this. 

He has brought it up many times that he feels I'm not sexually interested in him. We have a lot of sex and for me, it's not horrible. But for him it's not enough and he is bored and feels like I'm not into it. I try to get myself to not shut off from him, but when he acts negative and angry, there's nothing I can do to change how I feel. 

We've been fighting more than normal lately and when we fight he says such horrible things to me and I just can't get these out of my head. In the past year he's told me that he hates me, that he hates being a parent, that he hates being my husband and that the child I'm carrying is a mistake "like everything else in our marriage has been". Then afterwards he'll brush it off like it was just anger in the heat of the moment and he didn't mean it. But I just can't shake the feelings that these things cause in me. I'm a very calm, at peace person and no matter how pissed I am at him, I would never in a million years say such hurtful things. 

Now I am stuck in a place where I don't know if I can take this anymore, but at the same time I don't want to tear my daughters world apart. And let alone that, but have a new born baby while I'm going through a separation. I have no clue what else to do though then give up on this. 

Please, any advice or thoughts from an outsider would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling very lost and alone right now.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You should go back to counseling, or at least HE should for his anger issues. I've been spoken to like that, and worse, so I get it. You can't just unhear those things . Would he consider individual counseling?


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## keymaster (May 22, 2015)

I have requested it many times. Practically begged for it. He gives me the "I can't work on us until I work on myself" Then he goes for a few sessions maybe every 18 months and has an epiphany and remembers all of the things that he learned before and then he feels everything is great in our marriage and we don't need counselling anymore. Then he slowly slides back into his old habits, and of course, it's always my fault.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

From just your brief description, this sounds like a fairly impossible situation. People with that type of negativity and anger don't change easily.

After 14 years you know he isn't going to grow much more than this.  I'm sorry.

Do you have family and support nearby?


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

You are done with him. You've lost trust in him, because he behaves like a toddler throwing a tantrum when he reviles. This is unlikely to ever change because his issues were formed in childhood.

He has abused you, and this does not equate with love. Love feels good, it doesn't hurt. Move on, and find love. Your child and the one you're carrying will be damaged by his tantrums. Best to leave while they are young.


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