# No more fun



## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and within the past few months our great sex life has changed, from the start I knew my wife suffers from depression but this change is dramatic. To start we have no children. Both work full time and have been to marriage counseling, the counseling didn't help. For the first six months we had the greatest sex ever all over the place both of us always turned on, but the last 7 months the sex has been maybe once or twice a month. And it's nothing fun just missionary mainly. If i try to touch her she tells me to stop she's not in the mood one the rare occasions she let's me touch her she tells me I'm doing it all wrong. Last night I told her since she doesn't like how I touch her teach me so we spent 10 minutes in the bed of her telling me everything I did was wrong without her getting slightly turned on.by the end I felt like such a failure that I couldn't turn her on. I finally gave up and told her I was going to sleep in the couch. Didn't seem to bother her at all. I feel assembling Ikea furniture while blindfolded wearing a straight jacket is easier than turning her on. I try and make her feel good by telling her she's beautiful and I love her but she just tells me she's fat and gets mad that I'm toning up and losing weight (both of us are in good shape I've started running races and it's helped time up some extra spots) I don't know what to do anymore.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Don't have children until you settle this. An unhappy life will make for an unhappy marriage.

Is she on any drugs, birth control, anti-depressants etc that might affect her sex drive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DomF said:


> My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and within the past few months our great sex life has changed, from the start I knew my wife suffers from depression but this change is dramatic. To start we have no children. Both work full time and have been to marriage counseling, the counseling didn't help. For the first six months we had the greatest sex ever all over the place both of us always turned on, but the last 7 months the sex has been maybe once or twice a month. And it's nothing fun just missionary mainly. If i try to touch her she tells me to stop she's not in the mood one the rare occasions she let's me touch her she tells me I'm doing it all wrong. *Last night I told her since she doesn't like how I touch her teach me so we spent 10 minutes in the bed of her telling me everything I did was wrong without her getting slightly turned on.*by the end I felt like such a failure that I couldn't turn her on. I finally gave up and told her I was going to sleep in the couch. Didn't seem to bother her at all. I feel assembling Ikea furniture while blindfolded wearing a straight jacket is easier than turning her on. I try and make her feel good by telling her she's beautiful and I love her but she just tells me she's fat and gets mad that I'm toning up and losing weight (both of us are in good shape I've started running races and it's helped time up some extra spots) I don't know what to do anymore.


Did she tell you what how you could do things differently?

Is she on antidepressants?

Is she on birth control?

Or any other medication?

Has her personality in general changed?

Is she more 'lazy' now than she used to be?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Don't have children until you settle this. An unhappy life will make for an unhappy marriage.
> 
> Is she on any drugs, birth control, anti-depressants etc that might affect her sex drive?


:iagree: X 1 BILLION!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Did she tell you what how you could do things differently?
> 
> Is she on antidepressants?
> 
> ...


And....

Did she actually show and or tell you how she wanted to be touched or did she only tell you what was wrong.

I take it this "coaching session" took place when you two were having sex? Being as objective as you can, was your reaction more an angry/defensive because you felt belittled by her tone and attitude, or because her tone and attitude clearly were over the line? IOW! Some people, not just men, can't handle being corrected at all. Might you be one of them? Or close to one of them?

Just to calm your feelings of inadequacy, you are not a mind reader and without feedback you can't possibly know exactly how she wants it. Some women give obvious body signals, sounds increased movement etc, to indicate positive feedback. Other women talk, yes, right there, softer/harder...etc. but if your wife was too subtle in the past, or worse yet was dishonest about being content with the way you typically touched her, you would never know.

Think of getting your back scratched. You have to give directions to get the right place taken care of. If giving the back scratch and your not getting directions you can assume that the general all over back scratch is what works. But if that's not what the recipient wants or needs, they must give feedback.

Why does your wife think she is unattractive if she is in shape as she has always been? Has she in the past said things indicating a poor self image or is this new?


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

You mentioned having gone to marriage counseling in the past but it didn't help. 

I'm not asking for details, but not all therapists are the same. Maybe a different therapist might be worth a shot. 

Also, it might be beneficial to find one that specializes in marriage and individual therapy. If your wife declines to attend you might still get great value from it in discussing the family situation with him/her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Has she ever been abused? CSA survivor or possibly abused or traumatized as an adult?

How long have you known each other?

Do you get along with her parents?

Does she?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DomF said:


> My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and within the past few months our great sex life has changed


There are situations where a partner will be extremely enthusiastic about sex because they are "eager to please their partner" as a way to help maintain the relationship. Eventually this can not be maintained indefinitely and a partner has to start being their true self, which may be someone that is just not that interested in sex and has overexposed themselves to it to a point that it is no longer tolerable. 

Another situation is that a "honey moon" period of where things are new and exciting comes to an end and the reality and stress of daily routines begin to set in and take a toll. 

Then yet another situation is a woman that wants "butterflies in her stomach" of excitement as a way to reaffirm to herself that she loves you. When this ends and she can no longer get it back, she fails to recognize that the _seasons of love_ are progressing and changing (a time where most women are ready to begin having children), and she begins to question if she really loves you anymore. Perhaps she convinces herself that there is no love left in the relationship because _something_ changed. A woman in this situation will sometimes withdraw. 

Perhaps you have a combination of all three! Let her know that it is OK for her feelings to change and that you will be patient as long as she tries to work together for whatever is needed to help move the two of you forwards. 

Badsanta


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

She is on birthcontrol all the time the whole time I've know het she never had a period cause of the constant birth control. She is not on any medication at this time for her depression cause she feels like she doesn't need it. 
As for her family we did get along until her depression became very bad and her family thought it was my fault. 
She feels unattractive cause she kinda seems to hate everything about her and constantly compares herself to other women
I've tried everything I can with her and nothing seems to turn her on anymore and she has no desire for sex. Which in her mind is my fault.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What form of birth control?

Is it an implant?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some forms of birth control can have a big effect on the libido of some owmen.

Depression of course can have all sorts of negative effects. 




DomF said:


> She is on birthcontrol all the time the whole time I've know het she never had a period cause of the constant birth control. She is not on any medication at this time for her depression cause she feels like she doesn't need it.
> As for her family we did get along until her depression became very bad and her family thought it was my fault.
> She feels unattractive cause she kinda seems to hate everything about her and constantly compares herself to other women
> I've tried everything I can with her and nothing seems to turn her on anymore and she has no desire for sex. Which in her mind is my fault.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Maybe it is time for your wife to talk to a doctor. She may be low on Estrogen. Like low Testosterone will lower a man's libido, Estrogen does the same for a woman. If she checks out OK, see a sex therapist if she is interested in saving the marriage. If she does not know already, sex produces Oxytocin which is a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. Less sex equals less emotional bonding. When my wife and I get into a rut and playing with others is not an option at the time, we arrange one night a week for mandatory sex. No excuses. It really works because the emotional bonding increases and before long my wife wants sex again and she is post menopausal. She is now having some of the best orgasms of her life at the age of 64. 

There was a time when she was OK with sex once or twice a month and did it out of marital duty. Was not interested in an orgasm. I bought her a vibrator and it is now her best friend and she is having great orgasms with it and multiple ones too. You have to do whatever it takes, even if it means toys. We have not had intercourse longer than either of us can remember so we have prolonged foreplay and occasional oral but most times my wife uses BOB III, the third Battery Operated Buddy she has owned in the last 4 years. Whatever floats her boat.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Nevo ring, she says she doesn't want to talk to anyone cause she doesn't have a problem. When we first met she would have multiple orgasms now lucky if she even gets wet


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Did you say she has not had a period in over a year?

If so, she definitely needs to see her doctor and be thoroughly tested, for lots of things. That is a huge red flag.

The fact she doesn't think there is a problem in her change in attitude is also a red flag, but minor compared to the lack of a period.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Yea no period in over a year, she doesn't take a break from her birth control so she hasn't had a period in years


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

According to the manufacturer of NuvaRing:

"Unlike the pill, NuvaRing requires no daily dosing so you can get effective monthly protection from pregnancy without having to think about taking it every day. In a given 4-week cycle, NuvaRing must be inserted into your vagina, removed after 3 weeks (21 days), and a new ring inserted 1 week (7 days) later."

From Healthline.com:

"Your healthcare provider will explain how to insert NuvaRing. Later, you’ll insert it yourself at home. You’ll wear the ring for three weeks and then remove it for one week. During this last week, you’ll likely get your period. You’ll insert a new ring when that week is over."

Missing her periods is a serious issue which must be checked up on by a doctor.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DomF said:


> Nevo ring, she says she doesn't want to talk to anyone cause she doesn't have a problem. When we first met she would have multiple orgasms now lucky if she even gets wet


How long has she had it?

I suspect her hormones are seriously being messed up.

Mrs. Conan had an implant near the beginning of our relationship and it turned her into a total b***!

Once it was removed, she became the beautiful person I first met.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

It's already been said two or three times; but DON'T have children.


Hormonal birth control is powerful stuff. It never affected my sex drive. But after I came off it (to give my body a break); I had two-week long periods for _years_ afterwards. The doctor's answer---you guessed it; stay on the Pill.

Periods that last for 2 weeks were not normal for me or the women in my immediate family. I knew that taking the Pill was what messed me up.


Just trying to emphasize how strong hormones are, and how they can throw your whole body out of whack.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

I tried talking to her about getting off birthcontrol since their is no reason to be on it. I had a vasectomy but she is admit she doesn't want a period. I love her to death but she does some of the dumbest things. She went to the doctor 2 years before she met me the doctor told her she had herpes gave her antiviral drugs, so my lovely wife thought once the outbreak went away she was cured. Skip ahead a few years I notice I'm having a outbreak and I'm freaking out cause I've never had a STD I'm my life. She laughs and tells me oh I've had herpes before just take something and it will go away. I sat her down and explained it never goes away and she told me she never had a STD..... She yelled at me that I was wrong herpes goes away, this resulted in a trip to her doctor that explained to her again this will never go away and she can give it to other people. So it broke a lot of trust for me but to her it was nothing.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

time to move along.

or regret it the rest of your life.


good luck


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Umm...


She needs a serious education...or a serious spanking...or both...

Tell.her to get educated with you, lose the birth control or lose you.

I'm sorry but there are also some big red infidelity flags waving in your face as well.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@DomF

You need to see a doctor, and probably start taking anti-viral medication (ie. Valtrex), if you know that you now have genital herpes.

Having menstrual periods is normal, natural and desirable for a woman of childbearing age. What has given your wife an aversion to such an ordinary fact of life for women?

Apparently your wife has some sort of cognitive disorder, if she, literally, cannot comprehend that viruses never "go away". There is no cure for herpes, plain and simple. But it can be managed.

I'm so sorry that your health has been compromised. I don't know what to say about your wife. She doesn't sound mentally competent.

And, if you ever do have sex, wear a condom. Do not get her pregnant.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Using hormones to stop a woman's period should be done only under a doctors supervision. I don't find any literature for using NuvaRing for this purpose. It seems unlikely the doctor prescribed it to be used the way she is using it.

It is my opinion the prescribing doctor should be made aware your wife is abusing the prescription in this way. 

Your wife needs to see her gynecologist, and explain what she has been doing, and what is going on.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

I'm already on antiviral, me bringing up to her anything about her going to see anyone for any reason will result in a meltdown from her


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DomF said:


> I'm already on antiviral, me bringing up to her anything about her going to see anyone for any reason will result in a meltdown from her


She sounds entirely unstable. Maybe time for an intervention.

Sex is the least of your worries here.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Allowing her to continue to misuse prescription drugs is not a trivial issue. 

If it were me I would discuss her current usage with the prescribing doctor. The doctor who writes the prescription has a responsibility to ensure the prescription is used responsibly. 

If that leads to an emotional meltdown, so be it. I would not be an enabler if I felt my wife might be abusing prescription drugs. I would do everything I could to find the truth and work with the doctors to ensure the proper solutions were put in place.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm not saying that it is your fault, but here's a question: how teachable are you? When she's shown you in the past, what she likes, have you been able to retain that information for future love making? I ask this because I'm in much the same situation, in that I really couldn't care less about having sex with my husband, and actually try to avoid it when possible. During our 4 years together, he's improved little, and has been virtually unteachable, and I've stopped trying to continue to show him. Was your wife a virgin when she met you? 

Also, being on birth control pills to the point of never having your period, is really not good. Women's bodies are designed to expel that waste every month, and I can't imagine that hanging onto it all the time is healthy. 




DomF said:


> She is on birthcontrol all the time the whole time I've know het she never had a period cause of the constant birth control. She is not on any medication at this time for her depression cause she feels like she doesn't need it.
> As for her family we did get along until her depression became very bad and her family thought it was my fault.
> She feels unattractive cause she kinda seems to hate everything about her and constantly compares herself to other women
> I've tried everything I can with her and *nothing seems to turn her on anymore and she has no desire for sex. Which in her mind is my fault.*


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

There is no reasoning with crazy.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Also, being on birth control pills to the point of never having your period, is really not good. Women's bodies are designed to expel that waste every month, and I can't imagine that hanging onto it all the time is healthy.


As far as I know, skipping periods or "menstrual suppression" as my doctor calls it, is not a problem at all. The waste that Ursula above refers to may exist in a woman's natural cycle but that is not the case when one is on birth control. In fact, the bleeding that happens on hormones, really isn't a period. This is simply "withdrawal bleeding" from the absence of the usual hormones and is not at all the same as a period. In a typical period, the natural hormonal changes leads to the thickening of the lining of the uterus. The shedding of this lining when the woman fails to get pregnant is what we know as periods. This natural thickening does not occur on the pill because hormones are stabilized. However the absence of the hormones during the last week causes the existing lining to bleed. Hence the reason periods on the pill are typically lighter and less painful.

I'll look for some concrete links on this and post later. 



notmyrealname4 said:


> Having menstrual periods is normal, natural and desirable for a woman of childbearing age. What has given your wife an aversion to such an ordinary fact of life for women?


For some of us women, even with birth control, menstrual periods are a discomfort that one would rather avoid. Even with birth control, my experience is still painful, I still get irritable, still feel dirty and unsexy in general. Since periods are not necessary when one is on birth control (this from my doc), it would make sense that a woman who feels very negatively about her period, would try to avoid it.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

On suppression:

Patient Fact Sheet: Understanding Menstrual Suppression
https://www.nwhn.org/menstrual-suppression/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4075955/


The first article also points to studies done using NuvaRing for menstrual suppression. It is very possible that OP's wife got the idea of using her ring for extended cycle birth control from her own doc. Although the studies were done, the ring has not been approved for extended cycle use by the FDA. Apparently extended cycle birth control does exist and is approved by the FDA however. Quick read here says that the brands Lybrel and Seasonale have been approved in the U.S and Canada:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extended_cycle_combined_hormonal_contraceptive


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, extended cycle birth control does exist. It is fairly new, and only a few brands of birth control are approved for it.

If someone wants to pursue it they should use the approved products. And they should have regular checkups with their gynecologist who is aware of what they are doing while they are using the prescribed products.

The refusal to have regular checkups to go along with using the correct prescription is just unfathomable.

Please, if women wish to pursue this, please do not try to do this without working with their doctor.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So.......background......

You suddenly get herpes from your wife.

She suddenly stops having sex with you, and has no interest in sex. Lol

You have had a vasectomy and your wife stays on birth control to stop her period.

Here's the thing: it's rare that a woman that's banging her new husband constantly, very suddenly doesn't want sex or affection from him of any kind. 

STD, no sex, no desire for you at all--- suddenly?

What do you think I'm thinking is the answer, OP?
And you think "there's no way should could or would do that". Am I right?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Btw, if your wife is such an incredible dullard that she didn't know she could give you herpes----- Please, divorce her for this alone. Would you want a family with a woman this incredibly unintelligent?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

DomF said:


> I tried talking to her about getting off birthcontrol since their is no reason to be on it. I had a vasectomy but she is admit she doesn't want a period. I love her to death but she does some of the dumbest things. She went to the doctor 2 years before she met me the doctor told her she had herpes gave her antiviral drugs, so my lovely wife thought once the outbreak went away she was cured. Skip ahead a few years I notice I'm having a outbreak and I'm freaking out cause I've never had a STD I'm my life. She laughs and tells me oh I've had herpes before just take something and it will go away. I sat her down and explained it never goes away and she told me she never had a STD..... She yelled at me that I was wrong herpes goes away, this resulted in a trip to her doctor that explained to her again this will never go away and she can give it to other people. So it broke a lot of trust for me but to her it was nothing.


*Actually, I think that you really do need to keep using birth control.* You need to use a condom, to protect yourself from any other surprises that she might give you. Let me say that again, you need to practice safe sex with your wife.

This woman is clueless about safe sex. Yes, the herpes was before the two of you were married, but still as Evenrude58 put it, something else might be going on. 

I would sit yourself down with your doctor and get a full STD/STI set of tests as a benchmark of what you've got. Then I would learn how to manage what you have and how to no matter what minimize the chance of anything else showing up. And that includes you performing safe oral sex on her as while oral sex is relatively safe for some forms of STI's, it is not safe for others.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> For some of us women, even with birth control, menstrual periods are a discomfort that one would rather avoid. Even with birth control, my experience is still painful, I still get irritable, still feel dirty and unsexy in general. Since periods are not necessary when one is on birth control (this from my doc), it would make sense that a woman who feels very negatively about her period, would try to avoid it.


Keke,

I am really sorry that menstruation is so painful and uncomfortable for you.

But I'm gonna stick with creation/evolution, whatever you believe in, and the biological fact that women have been menstruating monthly for thousands and thousands of years.

It can't possibly be good for us to artificially prevent it, while we are in our natural childbearing time of life.

And I think that someone such as yourself is entitled to all the medical support to alleviate pain as possible.

And sure, our reproductive organs can be unhealthy. Taking hormones can help some women, some of the time.

But, again, suppression of the menstrual cycle completely??? There's something wrong with that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I said in your other two threads, your wife needs a SERIOUS intervention. And you need to grow a set.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Keke,
> 
> I am really sorry that menstruation is so painful and uncomfortable for you.
> 
> ...


Oh I certainly understand the argument that this may not be natural. That argument is what prevented me from trying birth control with my partner and made me adamant about sticking to condoms for way too long.

Just providing some insight into why some women may prefer that option. It goes beyond just the pain. I may not agree with it but if science can prove that periods aren't necessary and there are no significant side effects from suppression then I can't fault any woman who decides to do it. I see it no different from the issue of tonsils or organs that can be safely removed.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Why are you staying with her? No kids. She doesn't care that you were going to sleep on the couch (So no concern for you or your feelings). She tells you what you do wrong, never what you do right. She gave you herpes. SO WHY?

Get out NOW! Go find someone who cares about you. You deserve better. Don't wake up 10...20 years from now miserable.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sounds like she wanted a wedding and not necessarily a husband. She got what she wanted so screw you. Don't feel bad it happens to the best of us. She probably has her dress bagged up and hanging in the closet. If only she could do the same with you.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

DomF said:


> I tried talking to her about getting off birthcontrol since their is no reason to be on it. I had a vasectomy but she is admit she doesn't want a period. I love her to death but she does some of the dumbest things. She went to the doctor 2 years before she met me the doctor told her she had herpes gave her antiviral drugs, so my lovely wife thought once the outbreak went away she was cured. Skip ahead a few years I notice I'm having a outbreak and I'm freaking out cause I've never had a STD I'm my life. She laughs and tells me oh I've had herpes before just take something and it will go away. I sat her down and explained it never goes away and she told me she never had a STD..... She yelled at me that I was wrong herpes goes away, this resulted in a trip to her doctor that explained to her again this will never go away and she can give it to other people. So it broke a lot of trust for me but to her it was nothing.


Wait...WHAT!?!

She gave you the herps? Oh what a lovely gift!! Silver lining - at least it wasn't HIV!

Dude, you have *WAAAAAAAAY* bigger issues than lack of sex!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But I'm gonna stick with creation/evolution, whatever you believe in, and the biological fact that women have been menstruating monthly for thousands and thousands of years.
> 
> It can't possibly be good for us to artificially prevent it, while we are in our natural childbearing time of life.
> 
> ...


In the days of yore before birth control, women's periods were quite rare, a few times every few years. For most of their fertile years, women were either pregnant or breastfeeding. I read a while ago that women having periods thirteen times a year for a couple of decades before having children in their thirties now is the bigger health risk than suppressing menstruation. The same source said that the men who invented the Pill arbitrarily chose for there to be a week off it to cause a period because they decided that women would be too freaked out by not having their normal periods to accept the Pill otherwise and they were afraid it would flop. I'll see if I can find it again.

But back on topic, this woman sounds extremely medically ignorant, and prefers denial than to educate herself. Unfortunately, that doesn't lend itself well to her wanting to see a doctor to address any medical problem that may have diminished her sex drive, or attend counselling with a sex therapist to get them back on track.


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