# open marriage failure



## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

My wife has talked for ages about having an open marriage. This went on for years in fantasy, but one day, I returned from a trip and knew something was up.

It took me four days to finally drag it out of her, but she'd slept with my "best friend" while I was away. In fact, that night she finally told me, they were headed to a hotel for the evening (we normally go out that night with a group that includes him, but that night I couldn't go).

After a couple weeks, I told her I couldn't take it. He'd gone out of his way to rub my nose in their relationship, and it was proving to be a lot more hurtful than I expected.

Over the next couple months, I found that she was seeing him without telling me about it. They'd go out to lunch or coffee, and only other triggers would make me realize what had happened. When I confronted him about it, he said that nothing was up, and I told him to stop sneaking around behind my back trying to have a secret relationship with my wife.

She said nothing was going on as well, "it's just lunch".

We went through another cycle of this, with me meeting him for lunch one day a week, and them having a secret meeting another day. In fact, on one of those days I said I was open for lunch, but he said he "had other plans", which turned out, of course, to be lunch with my wife.

I suddenly realized that not only was it a secret, but I wasn't wanted there. I immediately cut off all contact with him, and told her I wanted her to do so as well. She basically said "no".

Now we're some 14 months later, with me discovering over and over things like:

- secret lunch and coffee meetings
- him calling the house when I wasn't there (he's never called when I was), including only situations when the only way he could know I wasn't there was from her
- gifts being given back and forth

Last week we had another fight about it, and in anger, she removed him as a friend on fb (which is where they normally chat), and telling him to stop calling. Meanwhile, she still hasn't told me about the times they've been meeting while I'm away at work that I know have happened.

Now there are a million little details I could add here, and our relationship has other issues that have led to trust issues from her side as well. I'm not deluded in any way that I'm anywhere close to perfect.

I so much want her to really end this, but feel like she doesn't want to, doesn't understand why this hurts me (she insists it's simply that I don't trust her to not have sex with him, and that I think she's a ****). I don't think they're having sex, but it's the fact that she knows this hurts me, and how he's treated me that makes me want him simply out of our lives entirely.

Meanwhile, we have three kids at home, and neither of us can afford to move out. I love her dearly, and want to fix this.

Advice appreciated, and details added if needed.
Luke


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

If both of you were not in agreement with this 'open marriage' then I don't think it can really be classified as that. If you had known ahead of time that this was planned and you were on board with it that would have been a different matter. Personally, I don't consider your marriage as open. I consider it as your wife being a cheater. I'm sorry you are going through this but that is why most of us are here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> If both of you were not in agreement with this 'open marriage' then I don't think it can really be classified as that. If you had known ahead of time that this was planned and you were on board with it that would have been a different matter. Personally, I don't consider your marriage as open. I consider it as your wife being a cheater. I'm sorry you are going through this but that is why most of us are here.


:iagree: Yep, that doesn't sound like an open marriage to me.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

Yes, that's how I've finally started treating it. I've been reading about what I should expect from her, including cutting off all contact with him, and her unwillingness to do that is part of what's hurting.

She feels like she asked me if it was OK with him. I remember no such conversation, and can't imagine that I would have ever said "yes". I've known him as a manipulative jerk for many years, but at arms length, dealt with it. I can't see myself agreeing to to have him anywhere near my marriage.

At this point, it's the sneaking around that's really causing the hurting. But then again, if I knew about each of their meetings in advance, I don't think I'd be happy about that either.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your title says you had an open marriage.

The content of your OP makes it sound as if this was a surprise to you when you returned home.

Which is it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

legodog said:


> She feels like she asked me if it was OK with him. I remember no such conversation, and can't imagine that I would have ever said "yes". I've known him as a manipulative jerk for many years, but at arms length, dealt with it. I can't see myself agreeing to to have him anywhere near my marriage.


This is ridiculous.

This is not something you forget, you either agreed to this or you didn`t.
if you don`t remember agreeing then you didn`t.
Or are you running for office and simply "can`t recall"?

What do you mean she "feels" like she asked you?

WTF?


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

As long as she is not willing to stop all contact then chances are that you won't be able to handle it. My husband refused to stop contact with his 'friend' that he claimed they hit it off the first time they met. I filed for a divorce because I refused to be in a 3 person relationship.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

The idea had been discussed. But it was a total surprise to me when I got home. She insists she asked me about it, but I remember no such conversation. If we had it, it was totally in passing, rather than an involved discussion I would have expected.

Then again, I can't believe I'd forget such a comment, even in passing.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

To be more clear, she says she asked me. I have no recollection of any such conversation, nor imagine I would ever agree to anything like that.

Worse, our marriage has had other issues, and I don't think it is a time to be playing with such an explosive topic. Our marriage didn't need (and still doesn't need) more challenges.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

You didn't forget. Your wife is trying to blame you for what she did. She is rewriting history. People forget a lot of things but they don't forget giving or not giving their spouse permission to have sex with another person.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is the other man married? Does the wife know? You need to start downloading divorce papers for your state and make sure your wife knows it. I'll bet this whole idea came up as an idea between him and her. Put a keylogger on the computer now. VAR in her car and where she uses her phone. Check texts and phone records for how much cotact they have really been having.

I'm guessing she is going to pick him but I hope I am wrong.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

He's married, has two kids, and has spent a lot of time telling my wife how much he wants to divorce her, how he's sure to get the kids (I'm not so sure), how horrible of a wife she is, etc.

All of this has led me to believe he's trying to steal my wife to replace his.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

legodog said:


> He's married, has two kids, and has spent a lot of time telling my wife how much he wants to divorce her, how he's sure to get the kids (I'm not so sure), how horrible of a wife she is, etc.
> 
> All of this has led me to believe he's trying to steal my wife to replace his.


Expose it to his wife immediately. If you can gather evidence that they are still seeing each other expose it to family and friends as well. Affairs are like ****roaches. They don't thrive in the light of day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

legodog said:


> He's married, has two kids, and has spent a lot of time telling my wife how much he wants to divorce her, how he's sure to get the kids (I'm not so sure), how horrible of a wife she is, etc.
> 
> All of this has led me to believe he's trying to steal my wife to replace his.


Your wife is clearly having an affair. 

Tell her that she has two choices. 

1) end all contact with him and work with you to repair your marriage.

2) move out.

Either way... Tell the OM's (other man) wife about the affair. Tell your wife's family about her affair.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You had to drag it out of her over 4 days.That really sounds like she thought you agreed.Wow,she's really got some jam!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

legodog said:


> My wife has talked for ages about having an open marriage. This went on for years in fantasy, but one day, I returned from a trip and knew something was up.
> 
> It took me four days to finally drag it out of her, but she'd slept with my "best friend" while I was away. In fact, that night she finally told me, they were headed to a hotel for the evening (we normally go out that night with a group that includes him, but that night I couldn't go).
> 
> ...


Oh boy...Another BETA male

Why are you even debating this?? best buddy rubbing it in??
Your wife keeps banging him..Let him have her..Seriously..
The lack of respect from your wife is mind boggling..

Sorry man..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Normally when a spouse pushes for an open marriage, it is because he/she is already having an affair and an open marriage would 'legitimize' it. And since she's been pushing for an open marriage for years, it is quite possible that she's been having affairs for that amount of time.

You may love her dearly but it is quite clear the she doesn't love you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


She already has more serious problems. She is breaking up two families with cheating and dishonesty. Have you checked phone/text records yet?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TBT said:


> You had to drag it out of her over 4 days.That really sounds like she thought you agreed.Wow,she's really got some jam!


:rofl::iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


Doing anything but scorched earth is going to lead to more problems. She will continue this game and playing you. There is not a lot of choice here really.

What you have been doing is not working very well is it?


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

I guess I'm hesitant to talk about tracking, keyloggers, cell phone records, as that borders on illegal. And what is a VAR?

How do you even bring up these subjects with a spouse you don't even know, or randomly call up her mom and tell her about it?

We're in marriage counseling, but all we've talked about are her issues with me. I tried bringing it up once, but it was brushed aside when my wife stated to the therapist that she'd "basically broken off all contact with him". In reality, all she's done is stop initiating contact, but if he calls, chats, asks her out, she's happy to go along.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She has no respect for you. All this detective nonsense with vars, keylogs, cell phone records, it's all ridiculous. And you say she still goes out with him if he invites her? come on man.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

And as to why I'm going all beta here, is I've been no prince to her. There's another whole side to this where I've been alpha dog on her for a long time regarding finances, and that's finally come to a head. I'm fully working on rectifying those issues, but keep getting stuck back with this issue in my head 90% of the time.

It's like she wants me to fix my issues, but she's unwilling to address the issues I have with her.

Oh, the novel I could write about all this...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

legodog said:


> my wife stated to the therapist that she'd "basically broken off all contact with him"


The next marriage counseling session, be the first one to speak by asking her what does she mean "basically broken off all contact with him" if she accepts his calls and requests to go out with him?


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

And I guess the reason I want to learn more about the spying is that I have no other way to know if she's telling me the truth. When I confronted her about the phone calls when I'm not home, she' talked about that, but didn't mention the times they'd been out together in the past two weeks. That, I guess, is a secret.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

morituri said:


> The next marriage counseling session, be the first one to speak by asking her what does she mean "basically broken off all contact with him" if she accepts his calls and requests to go out with him?


Yeah, the wiggle word "basically" really set off all my mental warnings. It meant to me that "the next thing you hear isn't entirely true".

It's like she's trying to be honest, but within limits.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Basically is a scam. She's not really trying, does she think the therapist is buying her crap?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Let's say you get confirmation from the keylogger, and VARs that she is still continuing her affair with the OM, what are you going to do? Out him? You should have done this the first time you learned the two of them had sex. What I'm saying is that all the proof in the world won't amount to anything if you don't use it to break the affair or file for divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm hesitant to talk about tracking, keyloggers, cell phone records, as that borders on illegal. And what is a VAR?
> 
> How do you even bring up these subjects with a spouse you don't even know, or randomly call up her mom and tell her about it?
> 
> We're in marriage counseling, but all we've talked about are her issues with me. I tried bringing it up once, but it was brushed aside when my wife stated to the therapist that she'd "basically broken off all contact with him". In reality, all she's done is stop initiating contact, but if he calls, chats, asks her out, she's happy to go along.


Why would it be illegal? Number one you don't tell her where you get your information. Let her think you hired a PI or something. You know he is after your family..... You think you deserve it because of financials. I don't think you know what alpha vs. beta is. Thats why the other man is kicking your ass.

Call his wife and tell her her husband is in an open relationship with your wife. Why on earth is this alright with you?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


Dude, she's already scorching your earth and if you don't stand up for yourself you'll be the one with serious depression issues.

Grab hold of your [email protected] and be a man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> Yeah, the wiggle word "basically" really set off all my mental warnings. It meant to me that "the next thing you hear isn't entirely true".
> 
> It's like she's trying to be honest, but within limits.


Basically your kids are going to get a new daddy in their new blended family unless you get yourself in gear. You've been dealing with this by talking yourself into some absurd sh!t.

Read here:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


She's already gone scorched earth on you. What she did is like Pearl Harbor. The question is: How are you gonna respond? She's already betrayed you and pulled off a surprise attack in cold blood. The marriage is as good as dead, but you haven't realized it yet.

If you're gonna save this marriage at all, you must - I repeat MUST - offer her one chance to cut off all contact. If she refuses, kick her out. Also if she refuses, immediately tell all your extended family - including her side - what she has done that made you kick her out.

She must be convinced in a way beyond words of the seriousness of what she's done.

Anything less from her is an admission that she has no love left for you and that you had better move on and divorce her. There is no other choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm hesitant to talk about tracking, keyloggers, cell phone records, as that borders on illegal. And what is a VAR?
> .


Check the laws in your state for these things. Then you will know what is and is not legal.

VAR = voice activated recorder.


If you wife uses a cell phone you can check the incoming/outgoing calls. see how long she talks to him and how many texts she gets/sends with him.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you think it is illegal to leave a VAR in your own house/car? Do you think it is illegal to put a keylogger on your own computer? I've never heard of it. Do you realize what high stakes you are playing foe here? How illegal is it to check your phone records? When you tell his wife you will need proof. The only reason he hasn't left his wife is she is plan B and he hasn't talked your wife into breaking up her family.................yet. Of course he may be lying (imagine that) about his wife just to stay in your wifes pants.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry got to say it. 

What is the matter with you! You may not have agreed to an open marriage but you have a unilateral one. Make it bilateral. Even if you are not able to carry it through. Go out to places where tgeir are women and chat them up. Stay out till 3Am in the morning. Get some women perfume and put a small amout in your shirt. 

Does your friend have a wife or gf. Seduce her. If not wait him out he will eventually move on from your wife. Who ever he has next seduce her. 

Stop wallowing in self pity and grab you [email protected] out of you pocket, slap those badboys back on and get ta steppin' 

I have to warn you that i am a vindictive b!tch when crossed so procede at your own risk. Not the [email protected] sugession you gotta' do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Do you think it is illegal to leave a VAR in your own house/car? Do you think it is illegal to put a keylogger on your own computer? I've never heard of it. Do you realize what high stakes you are playing foe here? How illegal is it to check your phone records? When you tell his wife you will need proof. The only reason he hasn't left his wife is she is plan B and he hasn't talked your wife into breaking up her family.................yet. Of course he may be lying (imagine that) about his wife just to stay in your wifes pants.


In some states it's illegal to record a conversation when none of the parties of that conversation know they are being recorded. In some states it's ok to record if only one person knows they are being recorded. In other states every person being recorded has to know that they are being recorded for it to be legal.

There are legal issues relatated to using a keylogger. It's best to know what they are before using one. 

It's best to know the laws before starting to snoop.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Why you are still with her is shocking me the most. Why the heck would you be with a woman who cheats on you with your "best friend" and doesnt even care that she did it. Heres a hint for the future - When your girl wants an "Open" relationship, That means she wants to screw as many guys as she can without there being consequences to her actions. In other words, She is a *****.

Stop wasting your time on her because if she has been like this for years then she wont change. Now go find a pair of balls and start being a man. First thing I would do if I were you - Go out and find a woman to screw then come home and tell your loving wife all the juicy details. Lets see how she takes it when its the other way around.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

legodog said:


> And as to why I'm going all beta here, is I've been no prince to her. There's another whole side to this where I've been alpha dog on her for a long time regarding finances, and that's finally come to a head. I'm fully working on rectifying those issues, but keep getting stuck back with this issue in my head 90% of the time.
> 
> It's like she wants me to fix my issues, but she's unwilling to address the issues I have with her.
> 
> Oh, the novel I could write about all this...


Legodog, the reason you're "going all beta here" is because you're a beta male, well on your way to an omega male (they never ever get laid).

You've been "alpha dog on her for a long time regarding finances?" Wow. I guess she never paid for a hotel room. Does that make you feel good? Really? Yeah, that's because you're not being alpha.

Your wife is dictating your reality. "Did we really talk about an open marriage? And I said she could **** other men? OMG! Did I really say that? I don't remember.... I can't be sure. Gosh I feel bad about my wife doing the splits on my best friend. I wish he wouldn't be so in-your-face with me about banging my wife."

On the off chance that you're NOT a troll, and that you MIGHT take some advice and do the right things, here is what you SHOULD do.

1) Forget about keylogger programs, or GPS locators, or Voice Activate Recorders (VARs). You already know your wife is cheating on you. Don't waste your time gathering more proof. You have all the proof you need.

2) Find a good lawyer. File for divorce. Have your wife served without letting her know its coming. Serving her publicly at her workplace is best.

3) In the mean time, tell your best friend's wife what's going on. And by the way- this guy isn't your friend. Stop being friends with him. Treat him like he's a poisonous snake, who will bite you and fill you with toxin if you get too close to him.

4) Let your wife's parents and siblings know that she is having sex with other men.

5) Do the 180. Start it as soon as you have read it. Re-read it every day.

6) On a side note, you probably don't know this, but your wife doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you even a little bit, and she doesn't even like you! If she loved, liked, or respected you, she wouldn't have gone and put another man's penis in her again and again.

7) As other people have pointed out, you don't have an open marriage, you have a marriage where your wife is cheating on you. An open marriage is where both spouses are stupid and screwed up, and they agree that each of them sleeping with other people will make them less stupid and screwed up. In 99% of cases, they are wrong, and having an open marriage leaves them divorced, stupider, and even more screwed up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


Your relationship is as low as it can go. Your wife is in an affair tat she openly refuses to end. Since you have not divorced her you are a cuckold.

Do you really think it could get worse than your wife having you best friend as her lover and excluding you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

These Beta-Cucks get burned every time!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Your relationship is as low as it can go. Your wife is in an affair tat she openly refuses to end. Since you have not divorced her you are a cuckold.
> 
> Do you really think it could get worse than your wife having you best friend as her lover and excluding you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely spot on. Tell this Guy's wife today about the affair without warning him or your wife beforehand and tell her you are done. This is one of the worst stories I've ever read here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

Well, first, I don't think they are having sex anymore. I think that it still qualifies as an affair.

We did talk about an open marriage, but I don't think we ever talked about something like this. Sex is one thing, but an open romantic affair was never part of the game plan. Neither was sneaking around.

I've cut off my relationship with him entirely. The last time I saw him, he tried shaking my hand, and glared at him and looked at his hand like it was a dead fish.

I'm more than a little disappointed in the name-calling...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The name calling is meant to shock the spouses in denial. Not actual malice


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> Well, first, I don't think they are having sex anymore. I think that it still qualifies as an affair.
> 
> We did talk about an open marriage, but I don't think we ever talked about something like this. Sex is one thing, but an open romantic affair was never part of the game plan. Neither was sneaking around.
> 
> ...


Posters are trying to wake you up. You seem to be self deluded. Its not personal, they are trying to get you to FIGHT for your family and yourself. What do you think your wife and best friend are calling you and saying about you when they are together?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what you've said I definitely think they are having sex. Why do you think they are hiding it?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You seem to forget that if she has another affair with a man who is willing to support her, she might choose to divorce you. What I'm trying to say is that you should have a contingency divorce plan to mitigate any financial hardships just in case.


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## legodog (Feb 5, 2012)

I think if sex was still involved, I'd buy it. I have observed some of their communication and know that there is no such discussion, nor words of love.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> I think if sex was still involved, I'd buy it. I have observed some of their communication and know that there is no such discussion, nor words of love.


Well I guess I missed the point of this thread. What exactly are you looking for help with?

What is the nature and how seious is her depression?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

legodog said:


> I think if sex was still involved, I'd buy it. I have observed some of their communication and know that there is no such discussion, nor words of love.


The emotional affects of an affair are often more damaging to a marriage then the sexual. 

They were sexually involved. YOu are ok with her being emotionally involved as well?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has played for a total fool. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. How nice that she made sure she screwed a good friend of yours on top of that. Her actions show that she has no respect for you whatsoever. Good God man, if you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

First STOP calling him BEST FRIEND,he is not a friend damn...he is a POS...

There must be NC between the OM and your WW...and please start acting like a person that respects himself...

And don't forget to expose the affair to OMW,and if your wife doesn't want to stop contacting him then expose to everyone and file for divorce...

If you are not a troll then you are the biggest cuckold that I have seen in a long time...geez,man up already !!!

Good Luck


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

We are wasting our time trying to make him to understand the condition of his marriage and cheating of his wife, he wont because he know what he is, A man without a trace of self respect, dignity and courage. we cant fill him with these qualities. He is not a blind not to see the reality he is facing, but he dont want to open his eye and see the reality, it will make him nervous. so he want to keep his eyes shut. What ever we says its falling on duff ears.

But as all others in this forum I too feel that he have some options

1. Pack your bag, say, on your mark, ready one two three and start running, dont look back, (if you look back or inform her she will cry for loosing her cuckold, doormat husband, so she will try to stop you saying she love you, she will cry and beg to stay with her, because she know its not easy to find a cuckold husband like you)Run to other country, if border police try to stop you tell them you are running away from your wife, they wont stop you, they are also human.

2. Learn violin: when they fu*k on your bed, play the violin loudly, make him to fu*k (play) according to your tune (now you become a player). Dont stop let him/her bleed and die.

3. Compete with her in "who brings STD first to home" bang every cheap who*re available in your state/country. as you have failed in all other deptments, you should win at least in this. fill your home with moans of *****s and make it impossible to her to bear any more and kick you out of the house. if she bring one man you should bring two *****s, if she 2 then you 3 make the competition tough for her. Ask her to pay for this Whor*s.

4. Broke the Di*k of her OM. (I know you don't have the guts for this, they too know that) make them Fu*k impossible. Expose the affair to the world and divorce her ( I know you don't have guts for this, still this is an option)

5.Remain like this for ever ( I know you like this one very much). Be her doormat and cuckold for ever. let she bang others and you run with a towel behind her.

I am not writing this to hurt you, from thousands of mile away i can feel your pain, because I am a human being, but, if a person living with you cannot understand your pain, then what a pathetic life you are living man.


You are born as a man, Live like a man, die like a man, with dignity, pride and self respect.
Hope i could make scratch on you rhinoceros skin.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

legodog said:


> I think if sex was still involved, I'd buy it. I have observed some of their communication and know that there is no such discussion, nor words of love.


Look there is no way he is having secret meetings with her etc if there is no sex involved.

They don't talk about it where you can hear because their sex relationship is now a integrated part of their time together. They no longer need to discuss it.

Are you still having sex with her? Does she withhold it from you before she goes to see him - or after ward?

For heavens sake stop being a beta and take control here. Another man, someone who claimed falsely to being your friend, is openly mocking your relationship with your life. He is showing you in your face that he has more pull and control over her than you do.

He and she are openly saying they she chooses HIM over you.

He does it without any fear and with consequence - because he knows that you are too affraid to stand up to him or her.

Come on - she slept with HIM. she continues to see him secretly. And you are still afraid to kick her out, and still afraid to tell the OMW.

At this point I can't image either one of them have any respect for you at all. You've taught them, they can do whatever they want and you won't do a thing about it.

Is that the man you see yourself as? Is that the man you want your kids seeing? they won't respect that man.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Why are you even still in this relationship?You obviously don't matter to either of them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you're hoping that your cheating wife will have an epiphany that will wake her up, realize the destruction she's caused, and show you true remorse, without you lifting a finger then you are in a very thick fog of your own.

Some of the comments you received are indeed harsh but nevertheless true. No woman respects a man who allows himself to be disrespected, and your wife is no exception.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

The authenticity of this thread has me somewhat confused!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your worried about her too much, and not enough about yourself. your getting the real short end of the stick here man. buck up and take charge.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't understand the debate over whether you agreed to an o9pen marriage or not with her. The fact is, she fvcked your best friend behind your back and told you about it and they continue hanging out all the time and lying about it. 

That is the main issue. The fact is she is having an affair in front of your face and you are more concerned over whether she and you had one specific conversation or not. That is ludicrous.

Bottom line is: your wife does not respect you. 

So either you can choose to tolerate a marriage where your wife had zero regard for your feelings on her active affair or you can actually do something about it.

Why you have not told this man's wife is baffling to me. Do it today. Yesterday. "OM's wife: OM has fvcked my wife and they are having an affair--my wife admitted they slept together. I think you have a right to know this."

Call her up and tell her. Don't tell your wife or OM beforehand.

This story is so...sad.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> If you're hoping that your cheating wife will have an epiphany that will wake her up, realize the destruction she's caused, and show you true remorse, without you lifting a finger then you are in a very thick fog of your own.
> 
> Some of the comments you received are indeed harsh but nevertheless true. No woman respects a man who allows himself to be disrespected, and your wife is no exception.


You're right Mori. He is in the BS fog. I only hope it lifts before it's too late...unless it's too late already.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> The authenticity of this thread has me somewhat confused!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

I've only ready through the first page... it's not scorched earth to turn the lights on and let everyone see the "openess" of what she and this OM were doing.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Sorry got to say it.
> 
> What is the matter with you! You may not have agreed to an open marriage but you have a unilateral one. Make it bilateral. Even if you are not able to carry it through. Go out to places where tgeir are women and chat them up. Stay out till 3Am in the morning. Get some women perfume and put a small amout in your shirt.
> 
> ...


That's sure is scorched earth policy. I felt that way about my wife's OM, lol. I think it's a great way to get back at OM. I thought about how easy it would have been to seduce their wives and let them join us for some hurt. They spent every waking minute of their day talking to my wife. I'm sure their wives were bored with them. With the crimes I've committed I had to let that one go.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

legodog said:


> The idea had been discussed. But it was a total surprise to me when I got home.


There is where the problem is. You discussed it?

When she brought it up you should have gotten pissed and made it known in no way shape or form do you want a wife that wants to screw other men.

You should have nipped any talk about open marriage in the butt right away. If any woman told me she wanted an open marriage, I'll give her one. An open door with one way traffic.

If you don't want to divorce and say you love her dearly, then I'm really sorry to say, you are just going to have to take being married to a woman that wants to be with other men.
Because face it, she likes it, doesn't want to stop, and you will do anything to keep the marriage. Even if she did stop, you will be the husband of a woman that still really desires other men. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. It is what it is. I think you need to stand up to her and let her know you will not be the husband of a cheating wife.....unless you are willing to put up with being the husband of a cheating wife.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship.


Huh? So basically she gets to disrespect you, keep disrespecting you, but you standing up for yourself is further damaging the relationship?:banghead:

Its damaged beyond repair. She will not want to give up taboo sex with someone who isn't her husband. You need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Huh? So basically she gets to disrespect you, keep disrespecting you, but you standing up for yourself is further damaging the relationship?:banghead:
> 
> Its damaged beyond repair. She will not want to give up taboo sex with someone who isn't her husband. You need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!


He is doing something about it. He posted here so he can not take some very good advice.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> He is doing something about it. He posted here so he can not take some very good advice.


No, he isn't. Unless you consider doing something is him coddling her and walking on eggshells because he is afraid of what she will do. She is in control.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> No, he isn't. Unless you consider doing something is him coddling her and walking on eggshells because he is afraid of what she will do. She is in control.





Beowulf said:


> He is doing something about it. He posted here so he can* not *take some very good advice.


DM I think you missed the NOT part of Beowulfs post.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

So, in your mind, they are no longer having sex and that makes it alright?

How about this... realize that when you were sitting and having lunch with this "friend" he was running back the highlights of banging your wife. That's right, as you were sipping your pretty pink girly beta drink, he was imagining rocking it and looking forward to the next time.

Not so easy to rug sweep it anymore, eh?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

legodog said:


> I guess I'm afraid that going scorched earth on her will only further damage our relationship. She has depression issues, and I think this will also cause her to have more serious problems.


My two cents worth. Your relationship can't get any worse. It is broken and shattered into a million pieces. Her depression issues have not stopped her from destroying you. Personnaly, I would not care a damn about her depressive issues after what she did to you. 

I would take a large clay pot and smash it and spend your time glueing it together. Because my friend all the king's men and all the king's horses will not help you if you continue the path you are on.

So what is really driving you to stay?

Finances? If she leaves you then what? If you can't afford to move out or have her move out now, what is the cost to you emotionally now? Brother, it will cost you plenty perhaps sooner then you may like.

Living in hell is not worth it.

She is toxic.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

sinnister said:


> DM I think you missed the NOT part of Beowulfs post.


No, didn't miss it. It just didn't make sense. Wasn't sure if that was sarcasm to me.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

I would recommend going "level 5" or scorched earth... If I could have physically gotten a holt of the guy my wife cheated with I would have beat him and castrated him.. (I'll take the 4 years for maiming, out in 2 for good behavior and due to prison overcrowding.) But I could'nt he was in another state lying low etc.. I did go level 5 at home (looked like hurricane me went through there and I torched photos' marriage license, mementos, gift from her deceased father to her etc. 

Only thing I failed to do was get rid of her.. I got sucked into the I'm sorry BS and took her back.. Now I live an unhappy, completely sexless marriage... Let them both see your crazy side... show up at his house at 2 a.m., wearing a banana hammock, one boot, a torn wife beater, and a cowboy hat while carrying a dead blow hammer.. Make an absolute scene without breaking the law.. contact his wife and let her know.. stir up some hate and discontentment on his end..

Whatever you do, get her the F out of your life or you will be screwed...


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, you really need to open your eyes. Let me guess. SHE'S the one that brought up the subject of an open marriage. If this is the case, then she was already involved (in some way, shape or form) with your friend. She was ALREADY cheating on you! The reason why she brought up the open marriage subject with you is if she knew you were getting some from someone else, then she could stop feeling guilty about what she was doing with your friend.

You asked her to stop ALL contact with the OM and she flat out said "no" to you. That speaks volumes about the shape of your relationship. She values the OM more than your feelings. Does she know that the OM is rubbing the fact that he's been sleeping with your wife in your face? Does the OMW know about their relationship? Because, chances are the OM is lying about how bad his homelife really is with his wife. 

You say that you're pretty sure they're not sleeping together anymore. I'm pretty sure that they are. They know you know about it and you are not happy with it. Therefore, they learned to hide it better.You stated that the guy rubs his relationship with your wife in your face. Why the hell would you want to go out to lunch with him?!?!? Makes no damn sense. Only to find out that he has a secret lunch date with YOUR WIFE!!! Okay, so for the sake of the arguement. Lets say they aren't sleeping together. You don't think that they are kissing and snuggling? She's doing these things that should only be reserved for her husband. Guess what. That's still cheating.

This behavior will only continue unless YOU put a stop to it. Right now, She KNOWS you won't doing anything because......well, you haven't. SHe gets to eat all the cake she wants because she knows that you'll still be there when she's done. She needs to know that there are consquences to her actions. SHe needs to know how much she hurt you and she's losing you. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!! EVEN IF IT MEANS DIVORCE!!!! Will, money be tight? Hell, yeah. But you deserve better. Remember, she values OM more than you. Right now, you're just a roomate, babysitter and a paycheck to her. You are the security well she lives out her romantic fantasies with someone else. How is that fair to you? That's not a marriage at all. So, she needs to know this either with the REAL threat of divorce or a divorce itself. SHe needs to be smacked back into reality that if you leave, things are going to be extremely difficult for her. She needs to snap out of that fog and get a wake up call. 

Contact the OMW. She has a right to know what's going on in her marriage so she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do with her life. Chances are, as soon as you do this, the OM is going to throw your WW under the bus. If you think that it will only draw those two together. It may or it may not. But it won't last. Because your wife and the relationship he has with her would have been the cause of all his current problems. DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE CONTACTING THE OMW!!! Just do it. If you tell her ahead of time then she'll contact the OM and they'll get their stories straight and come up with a believable and viable story for the OMW; making you look like an insane, jealous husband.

Time for action is now!!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Meet your "friend" for lunch and tell him you want to show him a problem you are having with your car. Once you get him alone, stomp him in the ground and don't neglect his gonads when doing so.
Make this guy the last "friend" that you ever have.
Then you can let your "dear wife" see if he is still as good company as he once was.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

hookares said:


> Meet your "friend" for lunch and tell him you want to show him a problem you are having with your car. Once you get him alone, stomp him in the ground and don't neglect his gonads when doing so.
> Make this guy the last "friend" that you ever have.
> Then you can let your "dear wife" see if he is still as good company as he once was.


Agreed,


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

violence will get you in jail folks, ain't worth it


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> violence will get you in jail folks, ain't worth it


Agreed, there's other ways to screw with them without getting physical. NO woman is worth going to jail over. In fact, that's probably where she would want you at. You chilling your heels out in a jail cell, while she has the OM in the martial bed warming her up and not a worry in the world of you coming home.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Agreed, there's other ways to screw with them without getting physical. NO woman is worth going to jail over. In fact, that's probably where she would want you at. You chilling your heels out in a jail cell, while she has* the OM in the martial bed warming her up and not a worry in the world of you coming home.*


OUCH!!.. what happened to our primal selves.. where you beat the offending guy senseless and people in the community were on your side? Telling him that's what he gets for messing with a married woman.. I mean I guess if you want to screw with him, just make him a project and devote an hour a day to figuring out how to screw him over.. I'm sure you will come up with something.. Call his wife, hell try and bang her after you tell her.. IDK.. I guess the only one I really would want to have hurt feelings my partner.. the other dude was just doing what dudes do.. and according to guy code should expect to get his head caved in for messing with the wife of somebody else..


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Bandit said:


> OUCH!!.. what happened to our primal selves.. where you beat the offending guy senseless and people in the community were on your side? Telling him that's what he gets for messing with a married woman.. I mean I guess if you want to screw with him, just make him a project and devote an hour a day to figuring out how to screw him over.. I'm sure you will come up with something.. Call his wife, hell try and bang her after you tell her.. IDK.. I guess the only one I really would want to have hurt feelings my partner.. the other dude was just doing what dudes do.. and according to guy code should expect to get his head caved in for messing with the wife of somebody else..


 I get what you're saying and believe me, I would want to cave this guy's head in too. But, welcome to the 21st Century! Where everyone sues everyone else!!!

Thing is, brusies heal quickly. Alienation of Affection lawsuits last a lot longer. Or intentional cause of emotional damage lawsuits causes bigger headaches...or getting the guy to lose his job for screwing my wife on company time causes a lot of undo stress in this economy. Or having HIS wife screw him over in a divorce especially of they live in an at fault state. Priceless... THOSE hurt more.


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## wizer (Feb 8, 2012)

The guy gets totally blindsided by his wife who screws some other guy and he sits there taking it in the chin and doing nothing about it because he's scared to lose her. Even though he already has.

It's hard for people who read stories such as this to fathom how one person can allow themselves to be treated like a doormat by someone who has exchanged vows and all that other crap.

It's all about fear, lack of self esteem, low confidence, etc. It's a sad, pathetic testimonial to all the losers out there who let others run all over them.



legodog said:


> I've cut off my relationship with him entirely. The last time I saw him, he tried shaking my hand, and glared at him and looked at his hand like it was a dead fish.


Wow you're a tough guy aren't you. The guy is screwing your wife, mocking you, and all you do is look at his hand and acting all mad. Grow a set. Tell him to stay the hell away from your wife, and then go get yourself a divorce attorney and get that cheating loser out of your life once and for all. Or sit there and be a doormat, it's your call. 



legodog said:


> I'm more than a little disappointed in the name-calling...


This comment is just so ridiculous given the circumstances, it makes me almost certain this whole thing is a troll but like I said even if it is, these types of threads are unfortunately quite common and real, more often than not.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

wizer said:


> The guy gets totally blindsided by his wife who screws some other guy and he sits there taking it in the chin and doing nothing about it because he's scared to lose her. Even though he already has.
> 
> It's hard for people who read stories such as this to fathom how one person can allow themselves to be treated like a doormat by someone who has exchanged vows and all that other crap.
> 
> It's all about fear, lack of self esteem, low confidence, etc. It's a sad, pathetic testimonial to all the losers out there who let others run all over them.


Is what it is, it's a matter of the heart; a place where rational thought typically does not apply.. As for your labeling all of us that are caught up in the storm of our partners infidelity as 'Losers'; I find that to be ridiculous. People handle hurt in different ways, to each their own.. maybe they have hope, or feel they were to blame in some way. Regardless it's a cycle that must be worked through and most of us are at different stages in that cycle. That being said I would not label anybody who has been a victim of a cheater as a loser (provided they didnt overtly cause it, beating, being a drunk etc). As for the first couple sentences of your rant, that would probably apply to me and my situation. I consider myself to be hurt, probably in denial about depression and a whole range of other emotions that accompany this type of betrayal, but a loser I am not. Basically the comment was more cutting, and insulting than helpful.. 

Not everyone here can cut years worth of emotion in seconds and walk away from everything they think they know in minutes..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Old thread, zombie zombie ...............


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Manchester said:


> Well no not in seconds of course but some people can't do it for YEARS.
> 
> 
> 
> They just sit there in misery afraid to make a positive change in their lives.




Welcome back. Did you just get out of jail?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Manchester said:


> Well no not in seconds of course but some people can't do it for YEARS.
> 
> They just sit there in misery afraid to make a positive change in their lives.


Haven't seen you around in a while. You back for good or just browsing around?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Haven't seen you around in a while. You back for good or just browsing around?




I like this post.


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