# Can't get husband off



## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

I'm 28 and have been married for 2 years. My husband and I used to have a great sex life but lately it's been stressing me out. We have sex once or twice a week and it always ends with him rubbing it to get off. I've asked him about it and he says that he just can't get there sometimes. I'm worried that he is losing interest in me sexually or that I'm not pleasing him anymore. Why can't i finish him off with sex anymore?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ashi said:


> I'm 28 and have been married for 2 years. My husband and I used to have a great sex life but lately it's been stressing me out. We have sex once or twice a week and it always ends with him rubbing it to get off. I've asked him about it and he says that he just can't get there sometimes. I'm worried that he is losing interest in me sexually or that I'm not pleasing him anymore. Why can't i finish him off with sex anymore?


How old is your husband?

Is he overweight and does he get to the Dr. for his annual physical?

Also, if he is overindulging in porn, it can kill his libido for real women. No fault of your own. Porn does not affect all men that use it thusly but it affects many per the anecdotal evidence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

About | Your Brain On Porn


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> How old is your husband?
> 
> Is he overweight and does he get to the Dr. for his annual physical?
> 
> ...


He is 31. He hasn't been to the doctor in quite a while but he isn't overweight. I would say average. I don't know if he watches porn or not. I mean we both have before but I think he would tell me if he did.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ashi said:


> He is 31. He hasn't been to the doctor in quite a while but he isn't overweight. I would say average. I don't know if he watches porn or not. I mean we both have before but I think he would tell me if he did.


Get him to the doctor and get checked out. Everyone needs an annual physical anyway.

Ask him about Porn.

Ask him why this is. Force him to open up about sex and what turns him on. If he shuts you out, he is denying the marriage. Don't let this sit and fester. 

He may be into something odd. Arousal happens in the head (brain), the doctor will find any mechanical stuff that affects him below the belt.

Thats plenty to try right now. Just don't ignore it and pretend it is OK. 10-20 years will pass you by and you won't know what happened to it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This isn't discussed as much as erectile dysfunction, but it is also very common.

As with many male sex problems, stress makes it worse. So the most important thing is to not stress about it - since he will pick up on your stress. Just enjoy what you are doing and see if it gets better.

He is not loosing interest in you, this just happens sometimes - just like ED.

Some other ideas:
If he knows a day or two beforehand, he can avoid masturbating and that will make hit easier for him to finish.

Who initiates sex? Just like women, men are sometimes more or less in the mood. Maybe for a while you can try when he is feeling particularly interested in sex.

Does he just have problems with intercourse, or can you not finish him with hands or oral either?

Have you tried a sex session that is just about him. Give him a BJ to completion without having him do anything for you - that time. He can return the favor later. Sometimes the effort of pleasing their partner can leave a man too tired to finish himself. 

Do you know his fantasies and are you willing to play to them? (sometimes - then he should play to yours).

Have you watched what he does when he gets himself off - that will help you figure out what sort of stimulation he likes. 


Toys - yes they work on men as well. A Hitachi wand applied to the penis below the head will make almost any man orgasm. I wouldn't do it all the time because it can reduce sensitivity but maybe just occasionally. If he isn't shy about it, prostate toys will generally work too. 

Most important though - don't stress yourself or him over this. If you both relax, it may well get better by itself.


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Get him to the doctor and get checked out. Everyone need an annual physical anyway.
> 
> Ask him about Porn.
> 
> ...


I'll try to get him to the doctor. I don't want to start a fight over sex so i need to be careful how i approach him over this. I thought i knew the things he was into but who knows... i hope its not too odd. lol


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Is he on any meds? Or drink much?


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> This isn't discussed as much as erectile dysfunction, but it is also very common.
> 
> As with many male sex problems, stress makes it worse. So the most important thing is to not stress about it - since he will pick up on your stress. Just enjoy what you are doing and see if it gets better.
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I can get him off with a handjob sometimes. Why would he masturbate when he could have sex with me whenever he wants?


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

anonmd said:


> Is he on any meds? Or drink much?


he does drink but no meds.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

ashi said:


> Thanks for the advice. I can get him off with a handjob sometimes. Why would he masturbate when he could have sex with me whenever he wants?


Because he's a guy and once or twice a week isn't much. Would you be up for 5-7 a week?


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

anonmd said:


> Because he's a guy and once or twice a week isn't much. Would you be up for 5-7 a week?


5-7 is a lot but i could try


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> This isn't discussed as much as erectile dysfunction, but it is also very common.
> 
> As with many male sex problems, stress makes it worse. So the most important thing is to not stress about it - since he will pick up on your stress. Just enjoy what you are doing and see if it gets better.
> ...




Richard has good points. I assume that it is a big deal that has been going on for a while or you would not be here. If it is just a few times then yea, don't worry about it. But I think we see here a greater danger of people not acting to make their lives better than screwing it up by engaging to improve the relationship.

As Richard suggested there is a name for this, DE, with more info here:

Delayed ejaculation - Mayo Clinic


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Richard has good points. I assume that it is a big deal that has been going on for a while or you would not be here. If it is just a few times then yea, don't worry about it. But I think we see here a greater danger of people not acting to make their lives better than screwing it up by engaging to improve the relationship.
> 
> As Richard suggested there is a name for this, DE, with more info here:
> 
> Delayed ejaculation - Mayo Clinic


It makes me feel like i can't satisfy him anymore which makes me think he doesn't think i'm sexy.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

ashi said:


> 5-7 is a lot but i could try


So, think about that:wink2:

You might have a bit of a delicate conversation regarding masturbation. I predict he is doing it pretty frequently, hint -the probable answer will be "once in a while". A firm grip has been known to make it harder to finish during the real thing, less than a few hours before sex with you would not help either. 

If you could up the frequency some and he could limit whacking off, if he is of course, then this might just go away. Some couples have a "right of first refusal" policy...


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ashi said:


> It makes me feel like i can't satisfy him anymore which makes me think he doesn't think i'm sexy.


I understand. And that is entirely his problem as he is responsible for his own orgasms in life. It is his responsibility, not yours, to get with the marriage and connect with you. It is his responsibility to get his ass to the doctor, sex therapist, or the have the courage to tell you he needs to hit with a foam bat during sex to get off. 

Yes, because you love him, you will help him with these things but don't turn this back on you and let it live in your head like that.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Sounds like death grip with porn 

Have a frank discussion with him but not accusatory


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

anonmd said:


> So, think about that:wink2:
> 
> You might have a bit of a delicate conversation regarding masturbation. I predict he is doing it pretty frequently, hint -the probable answer will be "once in a while". A firm grip has been known to make it harder to finish during the real thing, less than a few hours before sex with you would not help either.
> 
> If you could up the frequency some and he could limit whacking off, if he is of course, then this might just go away. Some couples have a "right of first refusal" policy...


I'll def up the frequency and try that!


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Are you really, er, wet? Sometimes this can make it so that there is not enough friction. You could try keeping a towel nearby and...well you get the idea.


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I understand. And that is entirely his problem as he is responsible for his own orgasms in life. It is his responsibility, not yours, to get with the marriage and connect with you. It is his responsibility to get his ass to the doctor, sex therapist, or the have the courage to tell you he needs to hit with a foam bat during sex to get off.
> 
> Yes, because you love him, you will help him with these things but don't turn this back on you and let it live in your head like that.


I'll try not to turn this back on me. It is his problem i get that. I love him and want to please him.


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

dash74 said:


> Sounds like death grip with porn
> 
> Have a frank discussion with him but not accusatory


I'll have a talk with him. ugh


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

Laila8 said:


> Are you really, er, wet? Sometimes this can make it so that there is not enough friction. You could try keeping a towel nearby and...well you get the idea.


I think i am normal with that. haha Nothing excessive.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening ashi
He may not be masturbating - that might not be the problem at all. 

OR

He might be stressed by this as well, and finds it less stressful to take care of himself.

OR

he has gotten into a habit - does it before sleeping or something 

OR

He might have a porn problem. There are some men who get so addicted that they prefer it ot their partners. I'm NOT saying that is what is going on, just that it can happen.




ashi said:


> Thanks for the advice. I can get him off with a handjob sometimes. Why would he masturbate when he could have sex with me whenever he wants?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

This is likely a psychological issue. The porn thing is a possibility. Excessive masturbation...

Stress, anxiety. If he worries that you're stressed about it or angry it will exacerbate the problem.

Tell him it's OK if he doesn't finish - take that pressure off and that might help. Also agree with not watching porn or masturbating for a few days before you have sex. 

Another thing to consider - is he worried about getting you pregnant?

Good luck.


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

Healer said:


> This is likely a psychological issue. The porn thing is a possibility. Excessive masturbation...
> 
> Stress, anxiety. If he worries that you're stressed about it or angry it will exacerbate the problem.
> 
> ...


I had a talk with him last night after another unsuccessful session and he did tell me he masturbates. He admitted to watching porn and said it was just something he did to get a quick release. He let me know that he finds me very attractive and not to worry. I told him my concerns and he said lots of guys don't finish that way and it's normal. Is it normal?? I'm on birth control too so he shouldn't be afraid of getting me preg.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ashi said:


> I had a talk with him last night after another unsuccessful session and he did tell me he masturbates. He admitted to watching porn and said it was just something he did to get a quick release. He let me know that he finds me very attractive and not to worry. I told him my concerns and he said lots of guys don't finish that way and it's normal. Is it normal?? I'm on birth control too so he shouldn't be afraid of getting me preg.


No this is not normal. I have never had to do this--not once is 28 years of being sexually active.

Have him watch the Your Brain on Porn material that I linked. start with the Gary Wilson Ted Talk because it is an easy intro. 

I do believe this is "normal" in porn though so that where he is probably getting that idea from. Think about that for a minute. Is his view of "normal" sex coming from porn? 

If this is what is going on, and it seems likely, he does not realize he is trading a full sex life and intimacy with you for some M.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

ashi said:


> I had a talk with him last night after another unsuccessful session and he did tell me he masturbates. He admitted to watching porn and said it was just something he did to get a quick release. He let me know that he finds me very attractive and not to worry. I told him my concerns and he said lots of guys don't finish that way and it's normal. Is it normal?? I'm on birth control too so he shouldn't be afraid of getting me preg.



Totally NOT normal, on the other hand it isn't all that unusual either. 

Nothing wrong with him rubbing one out from time to time except it is affecting the two of you. If you can both agree it would probably help to do the right of first refusal thing for a while and have him cut out the porn for a period of time. That might mean a couple or few quickies a week added in so think about that.

I do believe this problem is more common amongst you youngsters:wink2: Rampant easy availability of so much porn was not so available 20 years ago when I was your age.


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## Todd (Jun 13, 2015)

ashi said:


> Thanks for the advice. I can get him off with a handjob sometimes. Why would he masturbate when he could have sex with me whenever he wants?


ashi have you tried giving him oral? How does he like that? Does it work for him? I would think it would work. If it works, you could later start him orally, and when he is close to finishing you could mount him. That might be a way to progress to having normal PIV sex.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

anonmd said:


> Totally NOT normal, on the other hand it isn't all that unusual either.
> 
> Nothing wrong with him rubbing one out from time to time except it is affecting the two of you. If you can both agree it would probably help to do the right of first refusal thing for a while and have him cut out the porn for a period of time. That might mean a couple or few quickies a week added in so think about that.
> 
> I do believe this problem is more common amongst you youngsters:wink2: Rampant easy availability of so much porn was not so available 20 years ago when I was your age.


Nothing beats good, spontaneous sex with an enthusiastic partner, but depending on his approach it is likely his brain gets a better dopamine rush when he rubs one out than if he spends hours making slow sexy love to you. Both of those are probably in their own way rewarding to him, but each produces separate brain chemicals. Has he ever been diagnosed with ADHD?

my concern when people suggest replacing his frequent compulsive masturbating with more frequent sex with you is for someone with a brain wired like his the only way it will produce the same gratification and drive in him is if the sex with you is compulsive and rapid, which he likely doesn't feel compatible for him with the strong love and affection he feels for you. When you try having it 5-7 times per week he is going to be intimidated, if he has dopamine deficiency problems associated with ADHD then his brain will be begging for novelty or kink, or something a little more in order to have the drive.

if you can get him to a doctor get him to ask for information about adult ADHD, aside from medications there are dietary changes that can help and behavioral therapies that may help him function better (closer to what you need) sexually.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I've gone through a period like this. It lasted a couple of months, I'd say.

For me, I got bored. Not of my wife, not of sex in general, but mainly because our sex life is pretty much always the same. It's not vanilla sex, but it's always on the weekend (mostly Saturday), around the same time, always in the bedroom, always before bedtime, never spontaneous, usually expected, never more than 20, 25 minutes long.

It is still all of these things. I've wrapped my mind around it and got out of that funk, but that took a little mental effort on my part.

It REALLY irked my wife, while this was happening. Once I figured out why, I told her it had nothing to do with her (it didn't), but that there was no spontaneity happening.

But nothing has changed...


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

Todd said:


> ashi have you tried giving him oral? How does he like that? Does it work for him? I would think it would work. If it works, you could later start him orally, and when he is close to finishing you could mount him. That might be a way to progress to having normal PIV sex.



He does like oral. I could try that method to really get him close.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

ashi said:


> It makes me feel like i can't satisfy him anymore which makes me think he doesn't think i'm sexy.


As a guy I can tell you that has nothing to do with it. If you didn't do it for him he wouldn't even get it up.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When a woman can't climax it's the man's fault, when a man can't it's the man's fault. Have you been asleep these last 30 years? Are we not all equal now?

But seriously, why is this a problem?


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## ashi (Jun 3, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> When a woman can't climax it's the man's fault, when a man can't it's the man's fault. Have you been asleep these last 30 years? Are we not all equal now?
> 
> But seriously, why is this a problem?




Apparently we are but it has nothing to do with that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ashi said:


> It makes me feel like i can't satisfy him anymore which makes me think he doesn't think i'm sexy.


As guys get older they sometimes lose some of the sensation in their penises. But he seems awfully young to be experiencing that. Get him a full work up done. 

In the interim, if you are giving him oral sex, use your hands to stimulate him at the same time you are going down on him. Some men need a lot of force applied to the penis to get off. Try a different sexual position that puts more squeeze on him.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Not to sound crude but lick his balls.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

At this point I think we should give Ashi the sexual partner of the week award. She has not rejected any advice given here. She is willing to try anything, even tripling frequency which is uncomfortable for her. If she can somehow communicate her dedication to solving this problem to her husband his stress would evaporate, If he was taking the advice as seriously as she is, this could be solved in a week.
Good Job Ashi.


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