# Stuck in the Middle



## mngman (Mar 16, 2008)

Hi there,

I have been Married for 3 yrs, together for 5. This is my 3rd Marriage. I have 2 Daughters from my ex and she lives in another state.. I hardley get to see them, unless I fly up to where they are. My new wife has 2 cats, and my 2 daughters are very allergic to them, been in hopsital several times due to dander..I have went to court to get them to come down here, as I have joint custody. My attorney said he cant get around the cat issue, and we should get rid of them..Well that's where the problem is, my wife gets upset and cries when I tell her thats the only option..She doesnt beleive me, and thinks my girls should go on shots, and she doesnt want to get rid of them..They are 6 & 8. My ex says she has tried shots and the doctor says its the worst allergic reaction he's seen..We are at our ends..I am planning on flying up next month, then the month after, but I cant afford to do this often. 

On another note, by relationship with my father who lives near my girls is fading..He invited my 2 ex-wives to his wedding last weekend, and my wife said she wasnt going due to them being there..I do think it's weird for my ex's being there, and my dad says he wanted to see his grandaugters..To top it off, I was planning on flying up for his wedding and getting my girls to take to the wedding, so i could see them and spend time with them. I told him about my plans and he said he handeled it, by inviting my ex-wife..Never ave me the chance to do this. which hurt me..Needless to say we never went, kinda regret it, but seems he chose my ex over my wife and I..Need help..Stuck in the middle..Thanks


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm a cat lover myself and would be absolutely heartbroken if I had to part with my cats but I'd do it in a second if that's what stood in the way of my husband getting time with his daughters. Those girls need you in their lives and if your wife can't respect that then you've got some thinking to do. I know it seems drastic but I'd tell her she has to choose either you or the cats. I lived a state away from my father for years (he died when I was 15 and my sister was 12). I saw him once a month and even that wasn't enough. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had had more time with him. If you don't find a solution you're depriving your sweet girls of a very important relationship with their father.


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## mngman (Mar 16, 2008)

Thank you..I wish she would just desire to let the cats go, she thinks it's my ex wife trying to get back at her..They dont like each other..Another note, my ex wife offered to fly me up for the day to spend time with my girls alone, my wife said she doesnt want my ex picking me up and i need to get a rent a car. My ex lives 5 miles from the airport. I have also asked her to go with me in june for 3-4 days to go see them and spend time with them, she said im not sure im going..This hurts, and I dont know what to do...I am going to see my girls no matter what, but I want them to know her too..Guess she doesnt care about me having a relationship with them, or the cats would be gone, much less WANT to go up there with me..Plus, she keeps saying she wants kids with me??..I do but I dont..Im confused..TY for all your help...


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

I believe you have serious thinking to do. I understand that his is your marriage, but your girls need you.

I will give an example of a friend of mine that went through sometihng similar, my friend left his 1st wife for the new one, he has 2 kids with his 1st marriage, and his 2nd wife, (who broke up the marriage to begin with), could not stand the kids, because they reminded her of the ex-wife and she did not want any contact whatsoever with the ex, not even for child support. Everytime those kids came to visit she would give them hell so they would not come back (the kids live in a different *Country*), she did not mind him going to see them in his country, but did not want the kids in her house. Him and the new wife have 2 kids, I told her once, that if he had left the one wife for her, he would do it again, and she should treat his kids the same way she wish hers to be treated, kids are not responsible of the parents decisions. Now, my friend left his 2nd wife, and the cycle started again. But my friend has put his kids above the marriage, and he told her that she better receive his kids and be nie to them or else, well the else finally came, and now she is alone.

I tell you this as an example, because I believe that your wife should be reminded that the kids have nothing to do with her feelings for your ex. If she cannot put her feelings behind for the sake of your girls, then she cannot have kids of her own. She should stop being selfish and give up the cats for your sanity and the well being of your girls. If she cannot do that, then think seriously, if your marriage is worth more than your girls, and make your decision base on your feelings regarding that.

Probable talking to her and give her and ultimatum will work, and follow up with the ultimatum, either the cats go or I go. My girls need me and I will choose them for you. (IF that is what you want) then do it and follow it to the end, with all the consequences that it will bring.

Good Luck

Bella


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

If your attorney said the cats have to go for the kids to come.. Thats all your wife should need to hear.. regardless of her & the ex playing mind games with each other... I think you should take control away from both of them when its you Missing out on seeing your girls in the meantime.. your ex wife sees thems she got plenty time to create drama at no expense to her.. and it sounds like your current wife isnt to concerned if she sees them so she got plenty time to create drama.. You arent seeing them due to the other so called adults drama scenes...

do what you must to make sure neither female Keeps you from the Important things .. sounds like they both have control issues over you.. If your ex lived 1 minute from the airport most wifes wouldnt be comfortable with your ex picking you up.. thats the only sincere complaint I can see in my opinion from your current wife.. & maybe the fact that your Dad invited your exs with excuse to see his grandkids.. he could have invited just the kids very easily and Assumed as most would .. there Dad ..His son would bring them to the wedding.. I understand your frustration at his decision and how it would make your new wife feel.. 

You could be very outspoken to your ex with the thanks for th offer but no thanks I can manage on th offer for rides from the airport ( might sound silly to turn down a ride when its convienant) but its worth it to go out of way sometimes to secure our partners with things there not comfortable with.. and your new wife could go out of her way to Let You Know she values your children & you More than her pets.. that she wouldnt have a choice On showing to me .. and I like what u said " You will see them no matter what" so sounds like You already have the most important thing figured out .. your girls are priority take the mind drama games away from he ex and the current and you might get lt to fit like a puzzle should.. Good Luck


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I am a second wife to my husband, and often feel I am also second class, because his ex-wife gets so much attention because they share a daughter together. It almost sounds like your current wife wants to feel like she is number one, and your ex-wife, your dad, and your daughters are standing in the way. Is it possible to reassure her that she is your highest priority? Maybe she will bend and get to meet your daughters and go to the wedding.


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## lovingmom (Apr 29, 2009)

yes it sounds like your wife doesn't feel so important.. you need to reassure her that she is important, spoil her, suck up to her. I know there are times that I feel that same way because my husband talks to his ex girlfriend so much... but he also has a daughter and has to work things out... days that we don't talk bother me most when he comes home from work and said I talked to so and so..


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

their cats, get rid of them. I have a dog, if I had to get rid of my dog, to see my kids....the dog would be gone.

simple as that.


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## mngman (Mar 16, 2008)

Thank you for all the Advice.. I just came back for a day trip to see the girls by myself..It was great, short, sad, and makes me think I cant be away from them...My ex-wife is now divorced rom a controlling husband, and I have missed to many years with them...I have spoken to my current wife that I do not want to live here for the rest of my life..She is content..I miss my girls sooo much...The cat drama, she's wanting kids, I need my kids near me...Everytime we talk about the kids, she says they are your kids...I asked her if she wanted to be a step mom to them, and she bascially said no..I dont have any kids..Im confused..I am tired of trying to make everyone happy, but myself...Part of me wants out and move to be near my 2 girls ages 8 and 6...The 8 yr old and myself cried alot, as I know she is hurting...Thanks for oyur help...


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

When she married you, she took on the role of step mother to your daughters, in my opinion she doesn't have a choice. 

She seems to be immature when it comes to children. What if you two have a baby and the baby is allergic to cats??? is she going to get rid of them then or the baby??? 

She needs to set her petty crap aside for the sake of you and your daughters. Buck up and take responsibility for the children that ARE hers as well now!! Your girls need you.. and obviously you need them. If I were you I would tell her, she can't get rid of the cats then you are moving to be closer to your girls, if she can't come with, then thats too bad!!! 

Sorry but stepmoms and dad's that do this stuff really irritates me... those little girls are innocent and do not have anything to do with her feelings towards your ex wife!! she is only hurting them and you by throwing around the attitude of not caring... 

I hope things work out for you and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Keep us posted!
SB


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## lovingmom (Apr 29, 2009)

we had a cat and we got rid of our cat because my sd was supposedly allergic, only to find out 2 weeks later her mother had 2 kittens which turned into 4 and went on and on and on, we got lied to, it hurt, but we moved on... we have new issues now... dh is trying his hardest and he goes to see his daughter every week and we are supposed to get her every other weekend, he's fighting and doing all that he can to have time with his daughter. I'm not standing in the way, I fight with him. I really hope your wife realizes that it's not the childs fault. Give the cats to friends so she can still see them


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## mngman (Mar 16, 2008)

Yeah ty for the advice...she lost a cat yesterday..i dont know what to do..she said she beleives i did something to him for my kids..she sai she doesnt want to be a step mom and im hurt..i need to be near my kids..i am sure she wont give up the other one now...i just cant live so far from them..she said she wouldnt put it past me to do something to the cat!...yes i didnt like him due to him biting her in the face and biting me..the courts said to get rid of them, but she hasnt done this..i cant fly up all the time ..thats not a relationship....


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## tgast (May 26, 2009)

Check out 
Marriage or me


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