# Recent Infidelity



## Faultypersona (Sep 7, 2021)

I just recently discovered my wife was cheating on my with my best friend. I do have to elaborate a bit. About a year ago, for my birthday, I talked my wife and my best friend into having my friend have sex with my wife. It was a somewhat easy sell to both of them. It was something my friend and I always talked about doing with each others spouse's, even before we were both married, but it never happened. Fast forward many years and we finally do it. My friend is married, too, by the way. We do it the one time, and that was that. Never really talked about it much afterwards. A few days ago, I was going through my wife's phone, unintentionally snooping. I was looking at stuff because my phone was nearly dead, and she got a message from someone, and I instinctively tapped on it, and back out to the main text app. I scrolled down to see who all she texts regularly, and I see my friends name and I clicked on it. Couple messages up and there is a short conversation about him asking her to have sex him while we're all at a get together a week earlier. I immediately check the trash folder and there are a couple nude pictures she sent him. I play it cool, and after we get home from the function we were currently at, I confront her about it. She tried to lie about it, and I showed her what I found. With no way about, she tells me they have had sex a handful of times behind my back over the last year, but she "doesn't know" how many times. Now, I know she and he are in the wrong, but I also feel responsible for opening pandoras box to begin with. I don't want to divorce my wife, I still love her with all my heart. But without going to some kind of couples counseling, what can I expect moving forward? I laid out how disgusted and hurt I am, and she shows an incredible amount of remorse, but from what I can tell only because I caught her. She said she can't explain why she did it, other than she was being incredibly stupid, and other things. I want to believe her, but I don't know for certain if I can trust her. I don't want to walk through this blindly and naively.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You open up a stupid door and now you’re dealing with the ongoing consequences.
And you don’t need couples counseling, it’s largely ********. You need to set and enforce serious boundaries and consequences if you want to try making this work.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

You played a dangerous game and you lost. Now you can hold your cards or fold. Holding your cards, you'll know the trust is gone and expect more of the same in future. If you fold you'll know never to deal that particular hand in future.


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

@Faultypersona this is what can happen when you play out bedroom fantasy's in real life. A couple of questions to get a better view of this situation. You said you and your friend both talked about this with each others wives. Did you have sex with his wife? Was it made clear with your wife and your "so called friend" this was only one time thing to only be done in your presence? Is it over now with no more contact? Have you told his wife ye tor does she already know about any of this? Ages? How long have you been married? Do you think she has ever been unfaithful before or currently with anyone else?

Best of luck I think you will need it!


----------



## Faultypersona (Sep 7, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> @Faultypersona this is what can happen when you play out bedroom fantasy's in real life. A couple of questions to get a better view of this situation. You said you and your friend both talked about this with each others wives. Did you have sex with his wife? Was it made clear with your wife and your "so called friend" this was only one time thing to only be done in your presence? Is it over now with no more contact? Have you told his wife ye tor does she already know about any of this? Ages? How long have you been married? Do you think she has ever been unfaithful before or currently with anyone else?
> 
> Best of luck I think you will need it!


We never talked about it with our wives, just something between each other. Never tried to act on it until last year. We did say we can't do that again afterwards. I haven't even talked to him yet, I plan on it today after work, face to face. We're in our 30's, married for nearly 10 years. I had a suspension once about her cheating on me while she was in college, but I didn't have evidence of it, so I moved on from it.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

My first thought is wtf is wrong with some people? Do you not realize that you unintentionally started this affair yourself? Gonna stay friends with your buddy after this?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Tested_by_stress said:


> My first thought is wtf is wrong with some people? Do you not realize that you unintentionally started this affair yourself? Gonna stay friends with your buddy after this?


I'm an old fart and I just don't understand the youth either. Granted, I could have just barely been OP's father age wise, but still. The games people play is now... ? You don't mess with what is sacred, the same as you don't play with fire in a gas station. It's just common sense.


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Faultypersona said:


> We never talked about it with our wives, just something between each other. Never tried to act on it until last year. We did say we can't do that again afterwards. I haven't even talked to him yet, I plan on it today after work, face to face. We're in our 30's, married for nearly 10 years. I had a suspension once about her cheating on me while she was in college, but I didn't have evidence of it, so I moved on from it.


Thanks for the answers. However did you ever with his wife? Does she know? Has your wife stopped are communication with him or does she want to continue?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

This is a good question, did you at least get a stab at his wife or are you the man at the back so to speak?


----------



## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

You realize now that the wife swapping thing was incredibly stupid. Nevertheless, your wife cheated and may have cheated on you previously while in college. What to do? First, you tell your friend's wife immediately what happened. Second, you cut both of these people out of your life forever. Your wife must do the same. Now, what to do with your wife. She is a cheater and possibly a serial cheater. It is polygraph time for sure. These things aren't foolproof but you may learn something and get a parking lot confession from her. She must go through hell to convince you that she will never cheat again. A postnup, though probably not legally binding, is a must. I would divide up your assets and have her sign an agreement that what you earn is yours and what she earns is hers. If you do not have children, don't have any until you are absolutely sure you want this marriage to continue. 

She must do a timeline of ALL her affairs including what went on in college to be verified by a polygraph. DO NOT back down on this request. Tell her if she is lying you will divorce her immediately. No more privacy regarding electronic devices and social media accounts. No more girls' night out. 

Better think long and hard whether you want to stay with her. Next time, have more respect for your partner and not trade her off for sex with someone else. The fact that she willingly went along with your scheme speaks volumes about her.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Faultypersona said:


> I just recently discovered my wife was cheating on my with my best friend. I do have to elaborate a bit. About a year ago, for my birthday, I talked my wife and my best friend into having my friend have sex with my wife. It was a somewhat easy sell to both of them. It was something my friend and I always talked about doing with each others spouse's, even before we were both married, but it never happened. Fast forward many years and we finally do it. My friend is married, too, by the way. We do it the one time, and that was that. Never really talked about it much afterwards. A few days ago, I was going through my wife's phone, unintentionally snooping. I was looking at stuff because my phone was nearly dead, and she got a message from someone, and I instinctively tapped on it, and back out to the main text app. I scrolled down to see who all she texts regularly, and I see my friends name and I clicked on it. Couple messages up and there is a short conversation about him asking her to have sex him while we're all at a get together a week earlier. I immediately check the trash folder and there are a couple nude pictures she sent him. I play it cool, and after we get home from the function we were currently at, I confront her about it. She tried to lie about it, and I showed her what I found. With no way about, she tells me they have had sex a handful of times behind my back over the last year, but she "doesn't know" how many times. Now, I know she and he are in the wrong, but I also feel responsible for opening pandoras box to begin with. I don't want to divorce my wife, I still love her with all my heart. But without going to some kind of couples counseling, what can I expect moving forward? I laid out how disgusted and hurt I am, and she shows an incredible amount of remorse, but from what I can tell only because I caught her. She said she can't explain why she did it, other than she was being incredibly stupid, and other things. I want to believe her, but I don't know for certain if I can trust her. I don't want to walk through this blindly and naively.


So does your friend’s wife know that he had sex with your wife? I don’t mean the sneaking around that they’ve been doing but rather the romp that you arranged and were OK with.

Also, was she (his wife) a part of it? And if so, did you have sex with your buddy’s wife during this arranged romp?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Faultypersona said:


> We never talked about it with our wives, just something between each other. Never tried to act on it until last year. We did say we can't do that again afterwards. I haven't even talked to him yet, I plan on it today after work, face to face. We're in our 30's, married for nearly 10 years. I had a suspension once about her cheating on me while she was in college, but I didn't have evidence of it, so I moved on from it.


 IF YOU HAD ASKED BEFORE 
A old boss once told me never crap on your own doorstep ,
it is one thing to do a little swinging with people you never meet 
but now your going to have to have a talk with your mate for going behind your back 
with your wife , both equally wrong .

how you have this worked out in your head in not how it will go 
he knows you know and he has worked out how he will react ,
but it will not go like he thinks , 
one word can send all your and his plans the wrong way and you could end up in a boxing match outside work ,

you have not told us if you got to play with your exfriends wife 
the only reason I can see this as important is from the point of who is telling his wife ,
and how well you know her , 
why you might end up telling her , 
you might think it as a good revenge
or you might think she has the right to know , 
what ever you do or plan will end your friendship but that ended the day he started sending messages to your wife ,

you now have become a cuckold even if you did not plan it that way 
your have a hot wife and it will be hard to go back to monogamous 
you have talked to your wife , 
it was not easy and not the type talking that you both need to do ,
as it was not from an even playing field 
you had the higher ground and she the covering up and trying to make it look not as bad as it way ground 

with time you need to think of what you want to become 
monogamous , swinging , cuckold , hotwife , open marriage, 
which ever road you pick now will have to be strong one , 
you have to build from the mistakes in the past , 

no swinging with friends or people you live near 
no playing without the other knowing ,
no locked phones or pc or no deleted messages , 
even if you want to be a cuckold , 

I have no idea which you want to become ,
the ball is in your hands 
you don't seem to want a divorce now 
but how you react now and how your wife reacts now is going to play on that , 

do you want to become a couple that play around the subject and hope it goes away and have it eating you up 
you are all ready thinking she might have cheated with others and that guy in collage , 
sorry you need to talk but it needs to be talking up neutral ground ,
with both talking in a way that both can say what type life your want 
and what rules you need to put in place ,

if I was to give advice on your talk with your friend I would say talk to him at his house or your house with both wifes present ,


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Faultypersona said:


> She said she can't explain why she did it,


She did it because you asked her to do it.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

It was an easy sell because they possibly were already doing it. Who first brought up the swapping wives idea, you or him?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did his wife know about the original time they slept together? 
I can't be in anyway sympathetic here. You encouraged the beginning of the affair. You wanted it. What did you expect??? When people have sex there is an emotional connection formed. I am not at all surprised by this.
You need to apologise to her for opening the door to this. I can't understand how any man can be so disrespectful as to pimp his wife out to another man just because he wants to. 
I hope the wife knew about the original cheating, if not she needs to be told now anyway.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So your “friend” has been banging your wife all year but you never got to have sex with his wife? That is what an open marriage usually ends up being for a husband. Your wife doesn’t know how many times they’ve F’d because it has happened so many times. Think about it, they were planning a hook up during a family get together. You have to be REAL comfortable with each other pull that off. I’m sure they both got off on banging right under your nose. Btw, how has your sex life been? Has she dialed back the volume and more importantly the enthusiasm of the sex life ? 

You must expose everything to his wife so she’s aware that her husband and your wife are betraying her. Her betrayal is even deeper than what you experienced because you insanely gave them your initial blessing. The fact that you didn’t have to talk your wife into it, is a huge red flag that she’s either F’d him before all this or more likely, she’s had sex with other men (plural) in the past. 

I never understand guys who want to offer up their wife to another guy. It’s even worse when she’s the mother of his kids. Just don’t get it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She feels regret for having you find out what she did. Remorse would be taking that a step beyond and doing whatever you need over time to rebuild. That takes years of effort and you’ll never trust her the way you once did — or you shouldn’t.

What happened is not unusual once you open up your marriage so make sure you blame yourself just as much as you blame your friend or your wife. Assuming you manage to get through this, now you know what not to do in the future.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Faultypersona said:


> I laid out how disgusted and hurt I am, and she shows an incredible amount of remorse, but from what I can tell only because I caught her.


You weren't disgusted talking about doing it for years and you weren't disgusted when you went through with it, so you don't get to be disgusted now. Let me guess. It was hot when you were watching them screw, but it's not so hot when they're doing it without you there, huh?



Faultypersona said:


> She said she can't explain why she did it, other than she was being incredibly stupid, and other things. I want to believe her, but I don't know for certain if I can trust her.


 YOU made it ok to have sex with other people. YOU showed her sexual monogamy and vows of "forsaking all others" aren't important. Why shouldn't she have a good time and enjoy herself? That and the sex was probably pretty good. So, that's why she did it. I can't blame her.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Reaping what you sowed. What an idiotic seed it was, too.

So are you gonna make your next wife a duck buddy for your friends too, or have you learned your lesson?

I personally feel that a man that wants to watch his “friend” bang his wife, probably shouldn’t complain when she’s later banging the friend more often.

still waiting for you to say if you got to slap nasties with his old lady. No? damn it boy...


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

This whole situation is F'd up, but please tell me you at least got one turn with your broski's wife, if not not you got played.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

This idea of sharing your wife probably came from watching too much porn... didn’t it? It all seems so fun and appealing on the screen. Back in reality- not so much... especially when you’re maintaining the house and paying the bills.


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sorry man. This is one of the issues with sharing. But, there are things in life one does not share. Your best friend was never your best friend. He is not really your problem though. It is your wife that continued on betraying. Then again, was it really discussed with your wife this is a one time only deal?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Faultypersona said:


> I just recently discovered my wife was cheating on my with my best friend. I do have to elaborate a bit. About a year ago, for my birthday, I talked my wife and my best friend into having my friend have sex with my wife. It was a somewhat easy sell to both of them. It was something my friend and I always talked about doing with each others spouse's, even before we were both married, but it never happened. Fast forward many years and we finally do it. My friend is married, too, by the way. We do it the one time, and that was that. Never really talked about it much afterwards. A few days ago, I was going through my wife's phone, unintentionally snooping. I was looking at stuff because my phone was nearly dead, and she got a message from someone, and I instinctively tapped on it, and back out to the main text app. I scrolled down to see who all she texts regularly, and I see my friends name and I clicked on it. Couple messages up and there is a short conversation about him asking her to have sex him while we're all at a get together a week earlier. I immediately check the trash folder and there are a couple nude pictures she sent him. I play it cool, and after we get home from the function we were currently at, I confront her about it. She tried to lie about it, and I showed her what I found. With no way about, she tells me they have had sex a handful of times behind my back over the last year, but she "doesn't know" how many times. Now, I know she and he are in the wrong, but I also feel responsible for opening pandoras box to begin with. I don't want to divorce my wife, I still love her with all my heart. But without going to some kind of couples counseling, what can I expect moving forward? I laid out how disgusted and hurt I am, and she shows an incredible amount of remorse, but from what I can tell only because I caught her. She said she can't explain why she did it, other than she was being incredibly stupid, and other things. I want to believe her, but I don't know for certain if I can trust her. I don't want to walk through this blindly and naively.


Sadly you got what you asked for, another man that wants to **** you wife. How can people be so stupid. 

Just curious, did your friend's wife know about the original hookup you guys planned? I'm betting not, which would mean you facilitated him cheating on his wife by giving him your wife. You are such an awesome friend! In my opinion you got exactly what you deserve. Now decide if you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about who you wife is getting laid by this week or get divorced and don't make such a stupid mistake again.


----------



## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

So you asked your wife to get naked and have sex with this friend of yours. After all that anything that happens is on the table. I have no idea why you're even here complaining she's banging some dude you thought it might be kewl if she could try him out. 

She tried him out. She liked it. She continued with it. Any questions?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please you are going to expose this to your friend wife after you disown him and your wife....yes she is a cheater.


----------



## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Reaping what you sowed. What an idiotic seed it was, too.
> 
> So are you gonna make your next wife a duck buddy for your friends too, or have you learned your lesson?
> 
> ...


I'm just betting he didn't!
I'm not sure either why OP thinks his wife or _friend_? should have any respect for him after he just casually as good as pimped her out for no reason other than to get his rocks off temporarily.
Personally I can think of nothing worse than watching or even thinking about my wife or partner having sex with another man.....but we're all different I suppose.

What can you do now? 
Well if you want to stay with her you need to be convinced. 
1/This won't happen again
2/It hasn't happened in the past (polygraph and DEEP digging)
3/ She's totally honest and open with you from now on.

She also needs to know she's not just some piece of meat that gets distributed around willy nilly.
I don't hold out a lot of hope for this relationship if I'm honest.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Even IF he did the original swap, it is NO EXCUSE for her continuing to cheat on him. She is cheating, period.
His "best friend" is a scumbag and NOT at all a friend.
Expose this to his wife -- your wife isn't remorseful. If You wuv her too much to leave her, she will just continue to do this.
No consequences guarantee it will happen again.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Faultypersona said:


> I just recently discovered my wife was cheating on my with my best friend. I do have to elaborate a bit. About a year ago, for my birthday, I talked my wife and my best friend into having my friend have sex with my wife. It was a somewhat easy sell to both of them. It was something my friend and I always talked about doing with each others spouse's, even before we were both married, but it never happened. Fast forward many years and we finally do it. My friend is married, too, by the way. We do it the one time, and that was that. Never really talked about it much afterwards. A few days ago, I was going through my wife's phone, unintentionally snooping. I was looking at stuff because my phone was nearly dead, and she got a message from someone, and I instinctively tapped on it, and back out to the main text app. I scrolled down to see who all she texts regularly, and I see my friends name and I clicked on it. Couple messages up and there is a short conversation about him asking her to have sex him while we're all at a get together a week earlier. I immediately check the trash folder and there are a couple nude pictures she sent him. I play it cool, and after we get home from the function we were currently at, I confront her about it. She tried to lie about it, and I showed her what I found. With no way about, she tells me they have had sex a handful of times behind my back over the last year, but she "doesn't know" how many times. Now, I know she and he are in the wrong, but I also feel responsible for opening pandoras box to begin with. I don't want to divorce my wife, I still love her with all my heart. But without going to some kind of couples counseling, what can I expect moving forward? I laid out how disgusted and hurt I am, and she shows an incredible amount of remorse, but from what I can tell only because I caught her. She said she can't explain why she did it, other than she was being incredibly stupid, and other things. I want to believe her, but I don't know for certain if I can trust her. I don't want to walk through this blindly and naively.


So wait, before you got married you and your buddy talked about having sex with each others' wives? You sound like a*****es. You should get a daughter and learn how to respect women. 

All that said, is there any reason to think the two of them will not have sex again? I mean, why wouldn't they?


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> You should get a daughter and learn how to respect women.


What does this have to do with OP problem?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Kaliber said:


> What does this have to do with OP problem?


If OP had respect for women he wouldn't have been having conversations about future wife swapping. Wives aren't something to be loaned out like luggage. I think the poster you replied to was using the logic that OP had a daughter perhaps he'd have learned to respect women as he would want others to respect his daughter. Would he want his child passed around like a snack tray? No? Huh, fancy that.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Faultypersona said:


> We never talked about it with our wives, just something between each other. Never tried to act on it until last year. We did say we can't do that again afterwards. I haven't even talked to him yet, I plan on it today after work, face to face. We're in our 30's, married for nearly 10 years. I had a suspension once about her cheating on me while she was in college, but I didn't have evidence of it, so I moved on from it.


Inform his wife first.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> If OP had respect for women he wouldn't have been having conversations about future wife swapping. Wives aren't something to be loaned out like luggage. I think the poster you replied to was using the logic that OP had a daughter perhaps he'd have learned to respect women as he would want others to respect his daughter. Would he want his child passed around like a snack tray? No? Huh, fancy that.


This isn’t an issue of respect women, it’s an issue of stupid.
And if his wife respected marriage or her husband, she wouldn’t have jumped at the chance to bang his friend.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> This isn’t an issue of respect women, it’s an issue of stupid.
> And if his wife respected marriage or her husband, she wouldn’t have jumped at the chance to bang his friend.


This guy was talking about pimping out his wife before he even had one. He couldn't respect a woman even in theory.

Once a man asks his wife to bang another dude she knows 2 things. 1) He doesn't value, love, or even have basic respect for her and 2) Marriage is meaningless to him. At that point why not have sex with the friend? Once you find out your marriage is a sham might as well have a good time.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tested_by_stress said:


> *My first thought is wtf is wrong with some people?* Do you not realize that you unintentionally started this affair yourself? Gonna stay friends with your buddy after this?


Winner, winner, chicken dinner.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the toothpaste is out of its tube.
it is not going to go back in now.

So you WERE at the scene of the crime, but apparently did not fully develop the boundary rules that such a relationship demands. Now there are unpleasant consequences. 

So put on your big boy pants and get the job done now.
the 4 of your need to get together and thrash out how this is going to go forward. Are you swingers now, and do not need each others permission anymore? Is it ok the wife is doing your friends without asking permission first? 
Why did they feel it necessary to hide it, since you had initially given permission? All she had to do is say "i am horny for joe, and he texted me, and i am going to go jump his bones. when is supper going to be ready?"....and it probably would have been OK with you!

And what about Joe's wife? Is she looking for some make up sex with you to even the scale out?

Figure it all out. set up guide rules and this time you all need to stick to them.

this is not the end of the world. obviously her screwing your friend was not a divorceable issue in the past, so u just need to solve her hiding it all.

btw, i hope his wife is HOT! You will be seeing a lot more of her, i am sure


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> btw, i hope his wife is HOT! * You will be seeing a lot more of her, i am sure*


I highly doubt it. Pretty sure this only flows in one direction. Dude got/is getting played.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> I highly doubt it. Pretty sure this only flows in one direction. Dude got/is getting played.


it THAT is true, then he is shacked up with the wrong woman!


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

My god.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is so ****ed up.
So the two of you swapped wives. Then your “friend” and your wife continue to have sex for the past year.

First off, your wife continuing to have sex with your so called friend is not your fault. Don’t take the blame for it.

You being soft about it is going to backfire on you. SHE CHEATED and didn’t give a damn about you when she did.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One other thing. She flare out lied when confronted.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

ABHale said:


> This is so ****ed up.
> So the two of you swapped wives. Then your “friend” and your wife continue to have sex for the past year.
> 
> First off, your wife continuing to have sex with your so called friend is not your fault. Don’t take the blame for it.
> ...


Has it even been established they swapped wives?

Nevermind, I reread the OP's original post and I guess that happened.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I think we might have driven OP off. I'm thankful that he was forthright in his opening post. There have been threads in here where a husband is crushed when he discovers his wife cheating. He gets 9 pages of good advice. Then on page 10 he posts something like "well, we did decide to open our marriage briefly back in '95..."

Once you demonstrate that intimacy with your spouse is cheap and expendable, you can't really go back to the way things were.


----------

