# Confused about husband lying



## GeorgiaPeech (Jan 24, 2012)

I'm new here, and I wanted to get some advice in a problem I'm having with my husband. I'm not going to get too detailed in background, but I'll glaze over it.

My husband and I got married when I was 19. We had been friends for 5 years, and dated for almost a year. He was in the Army, so I moved 2,000 miles away from my family for the first year of our marriage. We got pregnant about a year after we got married, and had our first child in June 2011. We made the mistake of getting out of the military in March 2011, and moved in with my parents. We decided that my husband would get a job, and go to school, and we would save up money for about six months, then move out on our own. That didn't happen. We have been living with my parents for almost a year now. I work about 30 hours a week, and my husband works full time. He dropped out of school after 1 quarter, and says he is planning on going back, but I will believe it when I see it. We have some debt we need to pay off with my paychecks before we can afford to move out. His job doesn't pay much.

I have had some issues with my husband concerning laziness and lying before. He lies all the time, about everything, big or little. The current lie that he is living has got me very concerned, though.

He works as a medical assistant, so he wears scrubs to work every day. Well, about 2 weeks ago, my mom came to me, and told me that one night while I was at work, my husband came home from work wearing jeans, with no scrubs to be found. He was also about 30 minutes later than he usually is. She really wasn't implying anything, she was just informing me what had happened. My dad, mom, and sister who was home for a visit, all saw my husband walk in the door in jeans. My family has never lied to me, and they would have no reason to in this circumstance. My dad usually stays out of my husband and I's business, but he has told me that he is 100% sure that he came home in jeans. 

A few days after my mom told me this, I confronted my husband. I asked him where the missing scrubs were, and why he came home in jeans. He swore to me that no scrubs were missing, and that he never came home in jeans. He even had a sit down chat with my dad last night asking him why they would tell me he came home in jeans when he didn't. My dad told him not to try to convince him that he didn't walk through the door in jeans, because he knows he did. My husband, however, is still sticking to his guns. He says, "I can't ever remember a time when I came home in jeans. I can't think of a reason I would either." He also went on to say that he has never cheated on me, and he comes straight home after work. I found this odd, because I never said anything about him cheating on me, or accused him of going somewhere after work. 

Like I said before, I have a hard time trusting my husband, because he has lied to me before. He ran into an ex girlfriend, and lied to me about it, he started dipping tobacco again, and lied to me about it. He has lied straight to my face, and my dad's face too many times to count.

I'm just so confused as to what to think. He is adamant that he didn't come home in jeans, but I just don't believe him. I don't know if I really think he would cheat on me or not. I just can't find a reason why he would lie about such a trivial thing if the reasoning behind it is completely innocent.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He also went on to say that he has never cheated on me, and he comes straight home after work.


Who would say something like that? Why would there be a need to?

You say he's a medical assistant? Ethics obviously mean nothing to him considering how he behaves.



> I'm just so confused as to what to think. He is adamant that he didn't come home in jeans, but I just don't believe him. I don't know if I really think he would cheat on me or not. I just can't find a reason why he would lie about such a trivial thing if the reasoning behind it is completely innocent.


If you know he's a professional liar then I don't understand your confusion. For all you know he could have a secret life somewhere.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I dont understand where is the confusion he has lied so many times to and your dad so whats different about this time. Also why would cheating get mentioned?? Your family didnt mention it to you you didnt mention it to him so there was no reason for him to mention it at all. Think you need to dig a little deeper, a cheater isnt going to say yeah i cheated but at the same time noone would say anything about cheating if it hasnt been mentioned.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

I think it's reasonable that he read between the lines and understood that cheating was one possible explanation in your head as to why he may have arrived at home late and in jeans. That doesn't really mean that he cheated. 

However trust is an essential part of a relationship. You have known him since he was 14. Did he just start to lie? I doubt it. One of the problems with getting married so young is that you are not mature enough to appreciate some of the essential pillars of marriage: trust, fidelity, respect, and communication. If you can't trust him, what do you have? 

This incident, though perhaps troubling, is really the tip of the iceberg if he's a habitual liar.


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## ShawnS (Jan 24, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your husbands behavior. Why would your folks lie? Have they tried to split you up in the past?

You know that your husband has lied in the past. I guess its time to make some hard decisions. What are your needs & wants of a husband? I would usually never recommend a split in a marriage but you are young, have a good job and only have one baby now. 

Be honest with yourself and go from there.


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## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

I am curious to know why does your husband feel the need to lie? It sounds like you have known him for a long time.- Does he have a background, personal problems that would cause him to lie? I think you two should try counseling and see if you can get to the bottom of this. Sounds like your DH believes in the old deny,deny,deny adage. 

Believe your folks on this one.


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## GeorgiaPeech (Jan 24, 2012)

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them!



> You have known him since he was 14. Did he just start to lie? I doubt it. One of the problems with getting married so young is that you are not mature enough to appreciate some of the essential pillars of marriage: trust, fidelity, respect, and communication. If you can't trust him, what do you have?


No, he did not just start to lie. I have actually spent a lot of time looking back at our friendship, and first year of marriage, and have picked out a few times that I know for sure he lied, not necessarily to me, that were just stupid, pointless lies. Also, looking back, he had proven himself to be very unreliable. I would never say that marrying him was a mistake, because I love my son very much, but sometimes I wish that I hadn't. 



> Why would your folks lie? Have they tried to split you up in the past?


No, they have not. They have pointed out his flaws when necessary, but they are the first to say that we should try to work all of this out if possible. However, they have also told me that my first priority is to protect my son. 




> I am curious to know why does your husband feel the need to lie? It sounds like you have known him for a long time.- Does he have a background, personal problems that would cause him to lie? I think you two should try counseling and see if you can get to the bottom of this. Sounds like your DH believes in the old deny,deny,deny adage.


I don't know why he feels the need to lie, especially about the stupid things, like the dipping. I smoked for a few years, only quit when I got pregnant, and he dipped for a few years. Clearly, it is no big deal to me, so I'm not sure why he felt the need to lie. 

His family situation is very messed up. His dad is actually waiting to be indicted on child pornography charges, and his whole family is defending his dad, even though he confessed to the police. His mom is a trip as well. It's not surprising that he has some issues. I asked him after his dad got arrested to go to counseling, he refused at first, but after a little while he agreed, but never bothered to actually go. I think he desperately needs some help. 

We are going to our first marriage counseling session on Friday, so I'm hoping maybe that will help a little.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm glad you're living with your family.
Don't move out, stay there. 
Hopefully your H will be able to see how it can be with families.
It doesn't sound like the bar was set very high for him.
It's very likely that nobody ever placed any value on whether he told the truth or not, or what he did or didn't do...and for him it doesn't seem like he was able to really count on anyone doing what they said they were going to do. Child pornography, well, I can hardly think being raised by someone who is being indicted for this, could be healthy. It's likely he has attachment issues, at the very least. Birth of a child could be a trigger, living with a family could even be a trigger. It does concern me that he seems to live a very regimented lifestyle with no outlet or chance to make his own choices that would feed into positive outcomes...everyone has things set up for success, but will it really be his, or is he just an actor in the scenario? It would be good if he had some kind of hobby or could join a Y. I grew up in an abusive home and even though when I was an adolescent I was offered to live with decent, caring people, I couldn't accept because it all seemed so suffocating to me. Now that I'm older and better, I can see it wasn't suffocating at all...but at that age, it seemed like I would have to give up so much, and I didn't understand how can these people be happy, their life seems so limited. Of course, that's so silly now! But that's the way I thought. First of all, don't think that what goes on in your husband's head, even about the most simple and wholesome domestic situation, is going to be so normal as yours. Given his history, at the moment, it's impossible. He seems to know instinctively what to do, he married you, he agreed to live with your family...it could be too that school was too unstructured for him. Too overwhelming, and no clear path from here to there. Somewhere there's a middle ground...maybe one course night-school or on-line? Something he truly enjoys, an elective or a skill such as a computer class (software, geographic info systems, perl or C++ programming...)


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

I agree with what homemaker said, STAY living with your parents.

Also, im sorry that you are going through this. I find it very ODD that he said he "wasn't cheating" or that he even brought it cheating when you were asking about the jeans thing.
The jeans have NOTHING to do with cheating so that fact that he even brought it up gives me a bad feeling. 

This stinks. 

I wish I had something positive to tell you. 
I mean, if he continues to lie, will you do something about it?
woudl you ever make him leave or end your marriage over it?

If no, if its not worth all that then i would let it go.......
BUT if this is big enough to you and you would make him leave if he continued to be dishonest then I think you need to tell him so.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

GeorgiaPeech said:


> I'm new here, and I wanted to get some advice in a problem I'm having with my husband. I'm not going to get too detailed in background, but I'll glaze over it.
> 
> My husband and I got married when I was 19. We had been friends for 5 years, and dated for almost a year. He was in the Army, so I moved 2,000 miles away from my family for the first year of our marriage. We got pregnant about a year after we got married, and had our first child in June 2011. We made the mistake of getting out of the military in March 2011, and moved in with my parents. We decided that my husband would get a job, and go to school, and we would save up money for about six months, then move out on our own. That didn't happen. We have been living with my parents for almost a year now. I work about 30 hours a week, and my husband works full time. He dropped out of school after 1 quarter, and says he is planning on going back, but I will believe it when I see it. We have some debt we need to pay off with my paychecks before we can afford to move out. His job doesn't pay much.
> 
> ...


 
Your answer is highlighted in your own Post but I will say this. He sounds like a compulsive liar but when it gets to the point where your mom, sister and dad saw him and he is trying to convince them otherwise- I mean actually sit down and try to convince your dad he did not see what he saw................... - You said you were confused on what to believe because he is so adamant about not having the jeans on........... Well was he adamant he did not run into his ex? Was he adamant he didn't do tobacco? You are dealing with an issue that you will grow tired of.


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## GeorgiaPeech (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't really understand why he doesn't go hang out with his friends, or do something fun sometimes. I used to encourage him all the time to go hang out with his dad (before the whole child porn thing), other family members, or friends, but he rarely would, so I stopped saying anything. I agree that he needs to have a hobby or something, but he doesn't seem interested. I don't think that I have ever given him the impression that he can't go have fun. 

I know that he is upset that he got out of the Army, if for no other reason, than it was a pretty easy, predictable life style. Now, however, we don't know what our situation will be like in a week, let alone have an idea of when we will be able to move out, or other things of the sort. 

I do think that he may be depressed. He really shows very little interest in our son. I don't like to say he's a bad father, but he definitely doesn't get father of the year award. Honestly, I don't want to move out, simply because I wouldn't trust my husband to take care of our son by himself while I am at work. He has never been left completely alone with him, and I would prefer to keep it that way. 

I am hoping that going to marriage counseling will encourage him to go to counseling by himself. I think he desperately needs to talk to someone, and deal with his issues instead of ignoring him. Just today, he lied to me twice about a trivial thing. I want to be supportive, but it is getting to be so hard. This whole situation is just draining, and I feel like throwing in the towel most days


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