# My wife was a prostitute.



## 1standingout (Jul 31, 2009)

Please help. My wife was a prostitute from the age of 17 teen to about 20. I met her when she started working at a company where I was the manager. She turned 21 a few months after we started dating. I however didn't find out about her past until about a year and a half later. By this time I was deeply in love with her. When I found out about her past, I was not upset. In fact I found it extremly exciting. The thought of all those other men paying for what I was getting for free mad me feel....well let's just say my ego got a real boost! 
Now that the background is out of the way let's get to the problem. She has turned 37 this year and for the last couple of years she has lost intrest in sex. Now I am wondering if she is all sex out becouse she had sooo much sex when she was younger or maybe she has lost intrest in sex with me,or may she is getting it better from somewhere else. I don't know what to think. Please help.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

No, she is not all "sexed-out" because of so much sex in her life YEARS ago. 

I think it is wonderful that you have loved a woman who fell into prostitution and have been married to her for a long time. I find it rather sweet and you must be quite a husband, you speak so loving of her.

Now, as far as the sex. She is 37. Perimenopause begins around age 35 for many women. Menopause lasts a long time and is gradual. I would suggest you learn more about it, as it is complex and husbands need to understand so they don't feel like they are not loved or something is "wrong" with their wife. 

If it is perimenopause, you will need to be very supportive and your sex life may change, but it does not need to halt by any means. 

Do you have children? Stressors for her? Other issues going on?


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## 1standingout (Jul 31, 2009)

Yes, we have three boys and you are right I do love her very much. But it is difficult to want sex and know that you can't have it. Just the other nite I asked her for sex and she told me that she would bend over and let me "do my business". This is how she told me that she dealt with her clients and I lost all intrest. I felt like she was treating me like some "John" off the street.


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## woe_is_me (Aug 12, 2009)

have you tried just being more affectionate with her? and not in a way where she thinks your trying to get some. hold her hand, give her massages, hug her, cuddle with her, etc. i love when my husband does that and it makes me appreciate him so much. when he doesn't do any of those things i feel like he is being distant and when he all of a sudden wants to get intimate i make an excuse not to because i feel that's the only time he wants to be close to me. my husband asks for sex too and i think it's silly. i don't want my husband to have to ask for it, i want him to "persuade" me into wanting it.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

woe_is_me said:


> have you tried just being more affectionate with her? and not in a way where she thinks your trying to get some. hold her hand, give her massages, hug her, cuddle with her, etc. i love when my husband does that and it makes me appreciate him so much. when he doesn't do any of those things i feel like he is being distant and when he all of a sudden wants to get intimate i make an excuse not to because i feel that's the only time he wants to be close to me. my husband asks for sex too and i think it's silly. i don't want my husband to have to ask for it, i want him to "persuade" me into wanting it.



Funny. I have an idea...how about you just want it and persuade him into having it? Why do the men have to be the persuaders? If you dont want him to have to ask for it..then just give it before he asks. Rocket science. For real.




John


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

john, that seems to be the overwhelming mentality of women. "make me want something that i enjoy", "work for it and you might just get it", they fully understand the power they have and i fully believe that they use it whether they mean to or not.

unfortunately, that is nature.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

If it were "nature" we would just take what we want when we want it, just like in nature. Unfortunately this is nurture. This is what women teach their daughters either directly, or indirectly by the way they treat their husbands. Its all bull****.




John


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

The issue is: women don't want to be treated like a receptacle for a bodily function needing to be fulfilled. 

If you have the urge for getting your bodily function off just take care of it with five fingered Frank for heaven sakes. 

If you have the urge for a more difficult connection of the sensitive, mind to mind, love and caring contact TYPE, _act like it_ and you will get laid.

Women have the URGE which mimics men, when they ovulate. Figure out when your wife's ovulation cycle is and work around that if you just want raw sex and she will be willing. Any other time it is going to take some wooing BECAUSE either she isn'tfeeling very loving toward you (frustrated with you or resentful) or she is just plain TIRED. 

It _ISN'T_ rocket science, but it is the way it is. 

Some men out there think we women LIKE the moods from outerspace...NOT. It isn't EASY dealing with hormones up and down and sideways....and you add SOME men on top of all that who can't think with anything but their little brain and anger, well, it just  me off that some people just can't figure it out! Men sometimes just don't want to go to the trouble and women can see that a MILE away! 

LOOK AT THE CALENDAR!!!!!!!


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

Sandy I think sometimes their dumbstick prevails over their brains. And hubby agrees when we tease each other. ***** PEACE ******


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sandy, if you like sex why do you let all those things get in the way? do hormones affect your ability to control your desires?

why did it once not matter what time of the month it was, sex was desired and sought after (was it just to secure a husband)?

and for the umpteenth time, why must the man work so hard for something that he may or may not get and that benefits both parties so immensely? i swear it appears that what i have always suspected is true, the female parts are used by their owners as bargaining goods. unfortunately it gets to the point where the juice isnt worth the squeeze and the woman has overused her power, and things go downhill from there.

if women would do more thinking with their naughtie bits, and less thinking with their overused and incredibly complicated top knot, they could get whatever they wanted from their husbands. i know a few women like this and their husbands are complete mush around them.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

1standingout said:


> Yes, we have three boys and you are right I do love her very much. But it is difficult to want sex and know that you can't have it. Just the other nite I asked her for sex and she told me that she would bend over and let me "do my business". This is how she told me that she dealt with her clients and I lost all intrest. I felt like she was treating me like some "John" off the street.


I'm sorry that you felt that way when she offered it. With her background that makes the statement totally different than when other wives say that to their husbands (I'm pretty sure it's happened to most). If she's not interested in sex it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe she's dealing with her past and it's affecting that part of your relationship (as it should seeing as sex used to be a job and a painful one a that). A lot of people bury what they're feeling for a long long time. Eventually they'll deal with it and maybe she is now. It could be really hard for her to talk about it too. Space may be the biggest thing she needs, but I don't think it would be unfair for you to ask if that's what she needs or if it's something else.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> The issue is: women don't want to be treated like a receptacle for a bodily function needing to be fulfilled.
> 
> If you have the urge for getting your bodily function off just take care of it with five fingered Frank for heaven sakes.
> 
> ...


um, whoa. sex isn't supposed to be a bargaining chip and it isn't supposed to be something that has to be worked for. yep, it dies down after a while with the same person but that's why there's all kinds of crazy sex stuff that can be brought in. If you don't want sex, you don't want it. If you do, you do. Asking for sex.. I hate when my H does that. he never did it before so why now? 

Also guys, it's not that we need persuaded. Think back on your relationships in the beginning. I know in mine, it was so heated it took hardly a look from me and he came running. Now, it takes a bit more. I don't need to be persuaded but one of the things that made the sex early on so amazing was feeling that desired by him. Feeling desired is huge and when we're asked for it, it doesn't so much feel like we're being desired as it is that we're the only toy you're allowed to play with anymore.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> The issue is: women don't want to be treated like a receptacle for a bodily function needing to be fulfilled.


You never heard of Bad Boys?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you tried offering her a C note?

Ok, seriously, whatever is making her go off sex is not from years ago.

Something is happening currently. It can be physical, emotional, mental, or just tired.

Or maybe she is bugged with you?

Lots of reasons.


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## 1standingout (Jul 31, 2009)

I think my wifes past is deffinetly effecting our relationship. If you read my firt post you will find that I did not care about her past. I have loved her for a long time now and I have given her all of me. I have tryed to be the kind of husband that I thought women wanted. Maybe that was my mistake for thinking that I knew what a woman wanted. After all, I am just a man. I'm not GOD, and only he knowes what women want. All I know is that at this point I have lost faith in my marriage and that can't be a good thing. Sex is just a beginning (or rather the lack of sex)what's next.....communication....infidelity? It all seems so hopless


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

just a thought...have you sat down eye to eye and talked to her about this? Really talked....not just about the sex...but why she isn't in the mood? If so....were you able to get an answer? If you care enough about her and truely love her (which it seems you do)...then just tell her how you feel....how you worry and find out from her what it going on.

You can read from her reactions and her responses what she might not say....if it is the past or if it is the hormones. And you know what....there may be a time when your sex drive deminishes for a while.....it can happen to men too....for different reasons. 

What ever the reason...don't be afraid to talk to her. lack of communication is the BIG killer in marriages.....along with lack of understanding ....lack of trust and lack of intimacy..both physical and emotional. Don't assume anything....talk to her until you get to the root of the problem...no matter how long it takes or how many times you have to do it...but do it with love....that way she'll know that she can trust you with whatever it is.

Marriage is work all the time...and intimacy is part of marriage. So....by association...intimacy DOES take work at some point. That is the differency between successful marriages and ones that go down the toilet.

Good luck.....really.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

tattoomommy said:


> um, whoa. sex isn't supposed to be a bargaining chip and it isn't supposed to be something that has to be worked for. yep, it dies down after a while with the same person but that's why there's all kinds of crazy sex stuff that can be brought in. If you don't want sex, you don't want it. If you do, you do. Asking for sex.. I hate when my H does that. he never did it before so why now?
> 
> Also guys, it's not that we need persuaded. Think back on your relationships in the beginning. I know in mine, it was so heated it took hardly a look from me and he came running. Now, it takes a bit more. I don't need to be persuaded but one of the things that made the sex early on so amazing was feeling that desired by him. Feeling desired is huge and when we're asked for it, it doesn't so much feel like we're being desired as it is that we're the only toy you're allowed to play with anymore.



Well, as I am married...she is the only toy Im allowed to play with anymore. Unless you condone cheating if the other partner is not longer sexually compatible? Or is my other option masturbation? Gee. What an option. Only a woman would think a man prefers masturbation to the real thing. You want to know why most men cheat? Keep using sex as a weapon. Keep denying him what he wants most so you can maintain what you believe is control over him. Or better yet, Take sandy's sage advice. If your man wants to have sex with you...tell him to go jerk off. Nice sandy. Great advice.




John


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I find it sad that there is so much bitterness surrounding the subject of sex in a marriage. I don't think tattoomommy was condoning cheating OR was she saying that sex should be held out as a bargaining chip...by EITHER party.
Nothingman, I get that you are pretty irritable given the state of your sex life, but geeze, the generalizations about women "Only a woman would think that a man prefers masturbation to the real thing" and whatnot... your "tone" often makes it appear like you have a VERY low opinion of women. I'm guessing thats not the case, but just your current situation clouding your thinking. 
I can't complain about my sex life one single bit. But, neither of us use it as a weapon, I don't deny him and he does not deny me...and we both are fulfilled enough that if one of us is too tired at the end of the day, its no biggie. We've had a plethora of other problems in our relationship to work through, and we have, thank goodness, but the sexual aspects of it, were never an issue. 

To the OP, given her past it really sounds like she is having a hard time coming to terms with her previous occupation. it may not have bothered her as much when she was younger, but now that she is getting a bit older (and wiser, i'm sure) it may be very hard for her to face herself and her past. Would she consider talking to a therapist about her issues?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> I don't deny him and he does not deny me...and we both are fulfilled enough that if one of us is too tired at the end of the day, its no biggie.



thats what i would want, but i dont have because i am denied. thats the entire point. you dont deny your husband, you understand


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I find it sad that there is so much bitterness surrounding the subject of sex in a marriage. I don't think tattoomommy was condoning cheating OR was she saying that sex should be held out as a bargaining chip...by EITHER party.
> Nothingman, I get that you are pretty irritable given the state of your sex life, but geeze, the generalizations about women "Only a woman would think that a man prefers masturbation to the real thing" and whatnot... your "tone" often makes it appear like you have a VERY low opinion of women. I'm guessing thats not the case, but just your current situation clouding your thinking.
> I can't complain about my sex life one single bit. But, neither of us use it as a weapon, I don't deny him and he does not deny me...and we both are fulfilled enough that if one of us is too tired at the end of the day, its no biggie. We've had a plethora of other problems in our relationship to work through, and we have, thank goodness, but the sexual aspects of it, were never an issue.
> 
> To the OP, given her past it really sounds like she is having a hard time coming to terms with her previous occupation. it may not have bothered her as much when she was younger, but now that she is getting a bit older (and wiser, i'm sure) it may be very hard for her to face herself and her past. Would she consider talking to a therapist about her issues?


exactly what i was trying to say. i wasn't condoning any of that. i never would. guess i didnt realize just how sensitive people are. or how poorly they viewed the oppposite sex...


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> if women would do more thinking with their naughtie bits, and less thinking with their overused and incredibly complicated top knot, they could get whatever they wanted from their husbands. i know a few women like this and their husbands are complete mush around them.


Yeah. RIGHT.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

tattoomommy said:


> Feeling desired is huge


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Feeling desired IS huge. But that goes both ways. Men want to feel desired by their wives too. Sometimes asking for sex is that bit of insecurity rising up and trying to see if 'she still wants me'.

When it is the man always doing the pursuing, there is that little devil on his shoulder saying "She's just saying yes to shut you up...it's pity sex, dude".

A lot of us here are in unbalanced relationships sexually. Whether men or women, we have the misfortune of desiring our partners, and not feeling that desire returned. Yes...it stinks. Whether you are a man or a woman.

For the OP...it is very tough to say what is going on. It could be her past haunting her, it could be something in your relationship that has built up over time. The way she snapped at you like that might have been a bad day. Did you tell her how it made you feel? Did she ever apologize for putting it to you that way? Have you broached the subject of therapy? Or couple's counseling, yet?

Don't "chicken little" yet. The sex issue can be worked on, and it doesn't have to lead to the worst.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

snix11 said:


> Yeah. RIGHT.



i typed that as a contradiction to the post before. we all know that this stuff is about give and take. it takes two to make it work but the giving has to be balanced. the imbablance is what is causing problems for those of us who are unhappy.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Sex is imbalanced. Guys persue, gals entice. Yes as a guy I get tired of persueing sometimes, but that doesn't mean my wife is gonna start persueing me. I have tried to get her do do that and her attempts are laughable, no seriously, so funny I bust out laughing as she has no clue how to do my job, and frankly I have no clue how to do hers. I cant just sit back and watch her jump through hoops for me the way I do for her. I totally understand both Nothingman and Sandy, he doesn't want to feel like a turtle chasing a carrot and she doesn't want to be a blowup doll with a heartbeat. 

The fact is that the effort a man puts into the persuit is the attention a woman needs to not feel like an object. If a guy no longer feels like he should have to persue its almost gaurenteed that his woman will feel like she no longer has to give it up, and then things go down hill. There is no balance, what is the other option? There is none, if you find someone new guess what? If you are a guy you are still persueing, if you are a woman you are still enticing, the play is still the same, you are still typecast, only the supporting cast has changed. So neither camp gets pity from me. Suck it up Mark Hammil you are gonna be Luke Skywalker the rest of your life. Is this defeat? I thought so for a bit until I got a taste of the alternative. Now I think that initiating and giving her a little persuit is not asking much in exchange for a healthy marriage where everyone is comfortable in thier roles. Marriage takes work, it takes work on day 1 and on day 5000, if you want it to be easy get ready to be single.

Ok now I'm gonna be a hard ass on the OP. I think her past still bugs you, not her. Its totally normal for a couple to go through drier spells in terms of sex, and there is nothing unique about your woman except for what you want to blame it on. I am fairly sure she doesn't want to be reminded of it and your asking if that is the reason will only turn her off to you and sex more.

So what is the correct course of action. Close your eyes and imagine if you were just meeting you wife for the first time. How would you act? What effort would you be willing to put into getting her attention? How closely would you listen to what she had to say about what was going on in her life? Be the man you were then. Being in a relationship changes us, but not the kind of people we are attracted to, so sometimes we must look back to who we were then to rekindle the spark that we want to feel again. Try that with all your heart befor therapy, its alot cheaper.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

gomez your words are wise but leave out one detail....what if the pursuits are not rewarded (unlike in your case apparently).


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

1standingout said:


> Now I am wondering if she is all sex out becouse she had sooo much sex when she was younger or maybe she has lost intrest in sex with me.



This thinking baffles and astonishes me, to say the least


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

If your not getting the desired result even though you are earnestly trying, and trying stuff that always used to work, then of course there are deeper problems at hand. I'd have to say that if your wife is shooting you down like a stranger at the bar then you need to put sex aside for a while and find out what is bugging her. She probly needs to talk and have you understand how she is feeling, not necessarily solve her problem, just listen to what is going on with her. 

If she wont talk or open up to you then you are really in big trouble, and you need to do something to help her with whatever it is she is dealing with. Make dinner for her, clean the house, buy her flowers for no reason, show her that you want her to be able to relax, then get out of her hair until she invites you in. If all this fails I would get in her face and tell her if she dont change her act and at least tell you whats wrong your gonna find someone else to spoil.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I find it sad that there is so much bitterness surrounding the subject of sex in a marriage. I don't think tattoomommy was condoning cheating OR was she saying that sex should be held out as a bargaining chip...by EITHER party.
> Nothingman, I get that you are pretty irritable given the state of your sex life, but geeze, the generalizations about women "Only a woman would think that a man prefers masturbation to the real thing" and whatnot... your "tone" often makes it appear like you have a VERY low opinion of women. I'm guessing thats not the case, but just your current situation clouding your thinking.
> I can't complain about my sex life one single bit. But, neither of us use it as a weapon, I don't deny him and he does not deny me...and we both are fulfilled enough that if one of us is too tired at the end of the day, its no biggie. We've had a plethora of other problems in our relationship to work through, and we have, thank goodness, but the sexual aspects of it, were never an issue.
> 
> To the OP, given her past it really sounds like she is having a hard time coming to terms with her previous occupation. it may not have bothered her as much when she was younger, but now that she is getting a bit older (and wiser, i'm sure) it may be very hard for her to face herself and her past. Would she consider talking to a therapist about her issues?



You are 100% correct. I have been through the ringer so to speak. If my situation was similar to yours I wouldnt even be on these forums. If I come across as irritable it's because I am. Whats even more irritating is being told I have no right or reason to be irritated.

I have a high opinion of women in general. I have a low opinion of women who make men beg/borrow/steal sex from their wives. It just isnt fair and if the sex was like that pre-marriage I maintain there would be far fewer marriages.


It's like feeling you got duped into marriage ya know?



John


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yes, i do know


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## 1standingout (Jul 31, 2009)

Thanks guys for all the opinions and great advice and NOT so great advice. But I think DownButNotOut hit the nail on the head. I have always been a very affectionate person and have always put my heart on the line. I desire my wife like crazy but she never seems to desire me. I guess what i am trying to say is I want her to want me the way that I want her]. Is that too much to ask for? Is that beyond consideration? If so.....then why marry me? Why waste any more time in this marriage. Maybe I should find a prostitute of my own and start paying for sex. But this doesn't help me with the fact that I can't see myself with anyone but my wife. Ironic isn't it? I married a prostitute, now I am considering paying for another one!!!!!!


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## jamessmith622 (Aug 18, 2009)

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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

jamessmith622 said:


> Please be little patient because women are really slow in this matter.
> 
> 
> [/URL]



:rofl:


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Maybe I just don't THINK like a woman very much, but honestly, there are MANY times when I want sex with my H simply because I WANT SEX. I don't need the flowery words, the flattery, the "mood to be set"...I'm not trying to live in a romance novel for Pete's sake. I simply want to get lucky with my husband. If I have those urges, whats so wrong with him feeling the same?


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Maybe I just don't THINK like a woman very much, but honestly, there are MANY times when I want sex with my H simply because I WANT SEX. I don't need the flowery words, the flattery, the "mood to be set"...I'm not trying to live in a romance novel for Pete's sake. I simply want to get lucky with my husband. If I have those urges, whats so wrong with him feeling the same?


I don't think there's anything wrong with him feeling the same way at all. I know he gets frustrated with me because he feels like doing it ALL THE TIME. honestly, i can't think of a time when he's not in the mood. I think it's completely normal and sometimes it makes me laugh (with him, not ever at him). he always says if you ever want it, you can stop me in the middle of anything and I'm game! So, the only problem is that he's always ON and I'm not. So it's when we "miss" that it's frustrating. Then I just feel really guilty when I'm not in the mood- not that often, but still


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

See, i'm the "you can stop me in the middle of whatever, wake me up..." and I'm game girl. I keep threatening him with the "wait till I hit that mid-30's peak they talk about" and he's terrified!LMAO! Really, tattoomommy, don't worry so much about when your "on times" don't coencide...make a point of making the MOST of them when they do. Your little one is a lot younger than our youngest, who just turned 2. Once they get around 18 months, life settles down a bit, and i'm betting your moods will coencide more.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> Sandy55 said:
> 
> 
> > The issue is: women don't want to be treated like a receptacle for a bodily function needing to be fulfilled.
> ...


And herein lies the whole reason for 90% of the threads here. To use an over broad stereotype: Women want a connection to have sex. Men want sex to have a connection.

Tell your husband to take care of himself, and don't be surprised if you're back here in a few months posting threads "My Husband Ignores Me", "My Husband Looks At Porn", "My Husband Had An Affair". (note: I'm not calling anyone out here...and these titles are not meant to represent actual existing threads. They are just samples of the point I am trying to make.)

The men here who are sexually frustrated aren't saying "I just want to get off", they're talking about how they want to have sex WITH their wives. How to them the act of making love is one that tightens their bond with their spouse. It is an ingrained part of the male psyche. Take away that act, and he starts questioning the quality of his marriage.

So the issue is ALSO:

Lack of sex = lack of connection for the man.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

good point


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Lost, the point is it is a two way street. More...there is a divider between the lanes because men and women are different.

And both sides need to give to make it work. If one says "I can't have sex with you until I feel connected", and the other says "I can't feel connected until we're having sex", and neither budges from that stance, then where does it leave both of them?

There is something to be said for actions beget feelings. For both parties.

From the OP, the way he said his wife responded to his advance was in a way that struck directly at his insecurities. Maybe she meant to hurt him, maybe she didn't. But the end result is the same. Afterward, he feels that she views sex with him as a chore. With her past, the feeling is probably even more acute. I doubt he would feel any different if her response had been "Well, there's your hand..use that".

Is it really so bad to want to make love to the woman you married? Really? Is it really so bad to hear that the man you chose to marry wants to have sex with you?

Even if there are problems in the marriage, a mean spirited response can only make things worse. And I place "just take care of it with five fingered Frank for heaven sakes." firmly in the mean spirited camp.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

How can there be a connection when there is not enough communication. The relationship of the OP and so many others seem like they are filled with things they just cannot say to each other anymore. I know that feeling, I have it with my father. My sisters and I do say what we need to to each other but with our father we just cannot say what we really feel for fear it would destroy any possible future relationship with him, that he would just up and disappear again. I think that is the feeling eminating from so many of these posts, I think that is the seed affairs start from. People desperately want to tell someone about thier problems, but they cant bear to tell the person at the center of the problem, so they open up to a stranger and end up connecting deeply where they never intended to. Then over time the situation repeats itsself. I have to give my wife's big mouth the credit for saving our relationship from that. She talks to a fault and gets people to reveal stuff in amazing fashion.

Is this right, that unspoken, uncommunicated pain seeps out and contaminates first the sex, then all other parts of a relationship?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I know with my H, his pain was not from us, but from his family, and all the issues surrounding them. It contaminated our relationship first, and then he had an affair, which contaminated the sexual aspects of it. He was running from his pain, and just wanted to feel like he was the "normal" one in a relationship, so he had an affair with someone who was WAY more screwed up than him. I stuck it out, and he will tell anyone that I am the one that not only saved him, but our family. Now that he has begun to undestand his issues, his depression, and the way his upbringing affected him and US as a family, there is NOTHING we cannot talk about, from finances to sex to emotions to parenting.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I stuck it out because my wife really valued me and the family we made together, and because I thought my parents divorce was the mistake that ruined the rest of all of our lives. I didn't want to make that mistake, although I could understand why my father did. To leave would have been totally justified, my wife had cheated on me, but it was also my chance to find in my heart greater forgiveness than I had ever believed possible, so I resolved to live with the hurt I had and not run away.

What made you stay with your husband mommybean? Why did you choose to stay and work it out instead of getting bitter and leaving?

My advise is biased by my past. I hope people can find a way to talk and forgive, but not everyone is ready to come to that place in thier hearts, and it takes two people at once ready to do that. When we have the input of only one person it is difficult to know if it is worth telling them to try.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Gomez said:


> I stuck it out because my wife really valued me and the family we made together, and because I thought my parents divorce was the mistake that ruined the rest of all of our lives. I didn't want to make that mistake, although I could understand why my father did. To leave would have been totally justified, my wife had cheated on me, but it was also my chance to find in my heart greater forgiveness than I had ever believed possible, so I resolved to live with the hurt I had and not run away.
> 
> What made you stay with your husband mommybean? Why did you choose to stay and work it out instead of getting bitter and leaving?
> 
> My advise is biased by my past. I hope people can find a way to talk and forgive, but not everyone is ready to come to that place in thier hearts, and it takes two people at once ready to do that. When we have the input of only one person it is difficult to know if it is worth telling them to try.



*Gomez*,I stayed because I love him with all of my heart, and I love our family. It would have been different if he had seemed HAPPY in the behavior he was showing. He was borderline suicidal during most of the affair with her, he was running from things he was afraid to deal with within himself, and he honestly thought (especially right before I found the proof of the affair) that the only way out at times, was suicide. He was not the man I fell in love with, and I KNEW that if I left, he would self destruct, but I also knew that if I STAYED, and got him to open up and finally get help...I knew deep in my heart we would be ok. He's always been a runner, and i've always been a fighter. He's not a runner anymore, we are fighter's TOGETHER. 

That being said, once I made a decision to stay and fight for him, and once all the cards were on the table, and he was on depresssion meds and in therapy, I had to make the decision NOT to be bitter. Being bitter and throwing his behavior in his face, would have done nothing but hinder his progress and keep our relationship stuck in a place where it was not working. Sure, I could remind him of what he did every day, be an angry shrew of a wife, and all that would do is create a rift between us. By letting go, its allowed us to heal, and to move forward, and to really function well in ALL aspects of our relationship. We have the kind of marriage we both wanted, but he never thought existed now. Was it worth the pain? undoubtedly!! Was it easy? Not for one second. He will tell anyone though, that I am the strongest woman he has ever known, and that the good that is coming out in him, would never have done so if not for me. He finally understands what love is, not the distorted picture he grew up with as a child. So, it was the best, most valuable fight of my life.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. Its funny you use those wirds "I'm a fighter" because my wife described herself in those very same words. I guess there needs to be at least one person who is willing to fight to make a relationship work through the hard times. We finally got to a place together that she no longer has to fight to keep me or my attention, so in that way I try to let her relax.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

1standingout said:


> ...I desire my wife like crazy but she never seems to desire me. I guess what i am trying to say is I want her to want me the way that I want her. Is that too much to ask for? Is that beyond consideration? If so.....then why marry me? Why waste any more time in this marriage. Maybe I should find a prostitute of my own and start paying for sex. But this doesn't help me with the fact that I can't see myself with anyone but my wife. Ironic isn't it? I married a prostitute, now I am considering paying for another one!!!!!!


Unique to your situation verses a lot of us is your wife's experience level with men. Some women of less, or no pre-marital, experience have an ideal shattered when they come to understand how raw their man's impulses can be. Its a phase of counciling you'll get to skip  You being on the opposite end of this spectrum, have someone whose convictions about this could run the gamit, but she should understand your needs even if she isn't always in the game anymore. 37 isn't too young to start seeing some fade in sexual appetite and that could be a totally seperate trajectory of things. You need to communicate. I had a tough time recently using my own words to express my needs for sex to feel connected in my marriage, let alone with people in general. She needed to know intimacy suffers on the other end, even if she can maintain it with dramatically less sex. I can't and I'm not alone. Heck, even the need for sleep is justification for an occassional gimme if two in a relationship love each other.


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

Dear 1Standingout,

Can you please update on your status and what finally happened between you and your wife. I am asking this as I am in a similar situation. 

I would really-really appreciate if you could respond back. 

Regards,
Vineet


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you both go to MC or at the very least start educating your self on some communication skills. Second I also suggest you rule out infidelity. Quitely do your own ivestigation and make sure there are no other influences getting in the way of repairing this thing.

This marraige can be repaired if *both* want it. Like you said sex is just a big part of the gaint picture. The thing is...from her behavior, it seem something is distracting her. So rule out infidelity (quit, don't ask she will lie) work on your self and get some marraige books, that way, you can say to your self that you are trying and are useing some tools to....at least on your end, make things better.

And remember people want what they can't have so man up and show her a confident man that will succeed with or with out her. Let her know the marriage is important and sex is a big part and you will not tolorate her behavior. If this means moving on with out her then so be it. you will take care of your kids and you will better yourself, and if she wants to come alone then great, but if she wants to act like roommates then youe diserve better.

So go spend more time with the kids (alot more time) start working on your self. I believe when she see you moving forward with out her, ie not including her in the "kids time" and hitting the gym or getting more envolved with your hoppies, she will see your actions along with your boundries that you will no longer tolorate the way your life is going with her and your marriage. Hopefully she will see the change and scare her enought to see the possiblity that you are truely not going to tolorate her behavior.

I think the past has nothing to do with it, in stead it should be all about the now and the future, and the change you want to make that will make you have a happier marriage and a happier family.
So please do not get sucked into the past, there is nothing there that will help you now, So reinvent your self and your wife just may find this interesting...or at the very least concerning for her and her future.

Begging and pleading for your wife will only push her a way. Face it crying isn't very attractive, confidence is and chick dig confident guys that know what they want. There is alot of info out there so start doing you research on her and your self. Knowldge is power and get up and fight for what you deserve and want. Get the tools that will make YOU better.. she just may like what she sees.

You can't controll her but you can control what you do and how you act and what you want out of life. So I hope you get it... its you and what you do. You can't make her do any thing, but you can make your self more disreable by how your behave and on how you act not only towards her but with evrybody. 

Good luck on the changes that make you look better, and good luck in that your W sees them and comes along and joins you. That will be her choice, not yours so go for it and show her that you will not aways be around for her and you are confident in moving forward with or with out her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow this is a realy old post


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Ugghh...time invested in old post again before i realized it.

anyway, i'll still contribute.

I think that you have some big problems personally and in your relationship to deal with and I think that you are not so well adjusted to her background as you think you are.

the idea that she is 'sexed out' because of so much sex when younger is probably wrong as others have said. However, your making this point this sounds like you have some anger or at least resentment issues to me and shows lingering problems dealing with her past. To be honest, I'm not sure I or anyone can fault you for this unless they walk a mile in your shoes.

Please bear with me as I use strong and blunt terms to better make my point - I think your underlying feeling behind your comment might be that you think "she's a ***** who has done it with so many men, how dare she now withhold sex from me." or "she's done it with so many random guys, there's nothing left for the guy who gave her life to her".

To further support my view of what your underlying feelings might be, i'll point to your comment that in the past it made you feel good and stroked your ego that you were 'getting it for free' when so many other guys had to pay for it. Now that you aren't 'getting it for free', you probably feel like a fool and are angry that you aren't getting it at all when so many guys got it for just a little cash. It was so important to your ego to have a one-up on all of her many johns (probably a necessary and understandable coping device) but now the tables are turned as you likely feel they now have a one-up on you - ie you feel like you can't even get it from a *****.

These feelings are obviously destructive but probably somewhat natural considering what we are taught in society to think about prostitutes. I think that it's very difficult for most men to truly get over this background and for it to not rear its ugly head during difficult times like you are experiencing now.

So i disagree with those who have congratulated you for 'being so well adjusted to your wife's background'. I think you have major issues with it and I don't think you can really be blamed for having these hangups. I think you should seek professional help to help you get by these serious issues with her past and break through your face that you put up that you are totally fine with it all because this is far from the case. good luck and i'm sorry that my post is so blunt but I really think you need to come to terms with your true feelings toward her past.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You do realize this post is from 2009 and the OP is long gone.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

This is what my wife told me...

Men get horny and think with their penises. Women get horny with their minds. Us guys can see a cartoon drawn on a bathroom wall and come to attention immediately. Women have to get in the mood. This is why so many women become sexually unattracted to their husbands. Things get to be routine, life becomes full of stress and then comes the kids. 

Instead of getting our lady's "mind" in the right state, we just ask for sex, and it turns them off completely. "I'm tired, I'm busy, my stomach hurts." Do those excuses sound familiar? She's not playing hard to get or making you work hard for it; however, they want to enjoy the experience too, and in order for them to enjoy it, they need to be in the mood and in a sexual state of mind.

It's just how it works. Trust me, if you don't go that extra half mile to understand why women think this way, you may find yourself giving advice on a message board because your marriage is on the brink of divorce. If you want to be hard-headed and victimize yourself, that's your perogative, but when your wife is out on girls night and some guy DOES go that extra mile, you'll regret not opening your eyes earlier...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Us guys can see a cartoon drawn on a bathroom wall and come to attention immediately.


:scratchhead:


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## az_wife (Nov 18, 2010)

What if u r tired of being the "strong one"..............
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:


My bad. I spent a year in Iraq and everything got me horny. All women, regardless of age, looks, weight and smell were perfect 10's. 

:yawn2:


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