# my husband doesnt love me anymore and said he wants a divorce. help pls?



## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

hi

im new here and i came for some help...thank you for reading.

im 26 and my husband is 33.we are Asian.we have been married for 2+ years and we have been in a relationship for 6 years.i love him so much and it was all good till august.we had fights, may be once a month but we always became OK in 2-3 days.

we had a fight on august over a housework problem and i said something bad to him asking why he didn't do it.he wanted to leave me and go away.after much talk he stayed. 

but he says he doesn't love me anymore and he wants a divorce. i said please let's work on this maybe you ll love me again after some time.so he agreed to it and we are waiting to see if he can forgive me and love me again. 

he says its not that fight alone which made him not love me.he says all the past fights were on his mind.and they all added up and kept boiling in his mind while i was thinking everything is OK.
i guess we didn't know how to solve fights without one of us keeping a score card.

when he said he doesn't love me it was a total shock for me.i thought when he said "i love you" that was forever.right now i feel rejected unattractive and not deserving love.im in pain and its like the earth had been pulled out from under my feet and im falling.it hurts so much.

he has done some bad things but i ve never said i don't love him.when i said that he says those things were different mistakes each time and he corrected his mistakes after one time but i kept doing the same thing.his main complaint is i fight with him when he is going to work/at work. i admit that 
im an emotional person and i cant wait to solve when there is a problem.so im going to be careful about that from now on.

i just want his love back... now when i come home from work and try to talk, he reads or uses the phone.he doesn't want to spend time with me and is on his computer even when im home.(that's 3 hours of awake time everyday)i don't have a computer. he does not touch kiss or hug me. our intimate life was great.we don't have money problems.this was so out of the blue that i cant sleep at night and i spend hours thinking what went wrong and crying.

i want some help. any advice on what to do in this situation will be great.im lost.i just want to move past this,solve it and be a loving and happy couple again.i want his love back that's the most important thing i had..but i don't know what will happen.... 



thank you

ps:he will be away for 3 days so i would only be able to log in again after 3 days..


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You acknowledge that you have some problems, why not go to counseling to try to address them Let him know you are going so he really sees you making an effort.

And marriage counseling for both of you wouldn't hurt.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Before you desire his love back the first thing you need to do is desire YOUR love back for yourself. Your post makes me sad because there is so much self loathing coming through. Do you think it's ok that he minimizes his mistakes? Do you think it's ok that he minimizes your concerns? You can't talk to him about issues when he is at work and you can't discuss them at home. That is so incredibly sad. 

I do agree that marriage counseling will help but you should seek some out for yourself too. Start loving yourself first before you ask him to love you again. And you might even find that you don't want his kind of love afterall.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

Is it possible that he could be having an affair? Before you say no, think really hard about it. Some of the things you stated in your post point to it.


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Before you desire his love back the first thing you need to do is desire YOUR love back for yourself. Your post makes me sad because there is so much self loathing coming through. Do you think it's ok that he minimizes his mistakes? Do you think it's ok that he minimizes your concerns? You can't talk to him about issues when he is at work and you can't discuss them at home. That is so incredibly sad.
> 
> I do agree that marriage counseling will help but you should seek some out for yourself too. Start loving yourself first before you ask him to love you again. And you might even find that you don't want his kind of love afterall.



i do love myself.but i guess i love him more than myself. he has been the biggest part of my life since we met.and he is very special to me.


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

Desperate_Housewife said:


> Is it possible that he could be having an affair? Before you say no, think really hard about it. Some of the things you stated in your post point to it.


i have asked 2 times if there is someone else and he said no. i trust him on that.he is a very loyal person and everything is very open between us.no secrets.


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## LearningLifeQDay (Oct 20, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The part about the computer seems to be damning evidence that something different in his life is occuring. Why? I've been in his shoes in my past. I was in a relationship for 6 years before getting married. Then I 'found' the internet. That was the beginning of the end. I was preoccupied with meeting women to 'chat' with over being with my ex-wife. All fairness and honesty went 'out the window.' I lied straight into her eyes. That's how powerful my addiction was and is probably similar for your husband. I became the type of person I loathed all of my life. So, all the counselling in the world my not help him. You may WANT his love back, but is there any love for him to give back? Please consider saving your sanity and emotional well being by thinking about what's really in your best interest. What direction will really heal your broken heart.


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

can you please guide me about how i can awake loving feelings in his mind for me?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

sad.wife said:


> can you please guide me about how i can awake loving feelings in his mind for me?


Oh honey, this is a very difficult question for any of us to really answer. Have you asked him why he says he doesn't love you anymore? Have you asked him what you can do to help make this marriage work? The only way to really know how you can "awake" those loving feelings back is to ask him what he needs/wants. Ask him why they went away. And maybe he doesn't know. And if that is the case then you need to separate for a little while. Sometimes time away from each other gives people the perspective they need. 

But it does appear that he can't seem to let go of the fights you two have had in the past. If that is the case it seems to me that these fights were never fully resolved and he's holding onto a lot of resentment. I'm sure you are too. What you need to ask yourselves is if these fights and what was said during them can be forgiven? Can you move past the hurt or is the damage too great?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> we had a fight on august over a housework problem and i said something bad to him asking why he didn't do it.he wanted to leave me and go away.after much talk he stayed.


Ok... Maybe not the main focus here but i'm terribly curious how something related to housework turned into such a serious situation! What the heck did you say to this guy?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Not much you can do....but let him go. Stop begging and pleading with him.


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Oh honey, this is a very difficult question for any of us to really answer. Have you asked him why he says he doesn't love you anymore? Have you asked him what you can do to help make this marriage work? The only way to really know how you can "awake" those loving feelings back is to ask him what he needs/wants. Ask him why they went away. And maybe he doesn't know. And if that is the case then you need to separate for a little while. Sometimes time away from each other gives people the perspective they need.
> 
> But it does appear that he can't seem to let go of the fights you two have had in the past. If that is the case it seems to me that these fights were never fully resolved and he's holding onto a lot of resentment. I'm sure you are too. What you need to ask yourselves is if these fights and what was said during them can be forgiven? Can you move past the hurt or is the damage too great?


i have asked him. and he says because of the fights. , me talking about problems when he is at work etc. he says i do the same wrong thing again and again.

when we started to talk after a fight, i was happy and didnt think about the fight.but it does seem he has stored it all in his mind


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Ok... Maybe not the main focus here but i'm terribly curious how something related to housework turned into such a serious situation! What the heck did you say to this guy?


well.. he told me to lift "something heavy" to get a repair done. i did bring that thing to him but later asked are'nt you ashamed to tell me to bring that. it's like something a man should lift. we were both tired after long work days.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Not much you can do....but let him go. Stop begging and pleading with him.



:iagree:
*Plus it sound like he has another woman. He will not tell you about the OW. But the OW knows all about you. You need to start living your life without him. Just maybe he will notice you again. Please stop with all the begging because it can be seen as a turn off. *


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

i talked with him today. He said he doesnt feel any love for me, doesnt want this marriage, doesnt care about me etc. Not things any1 would expect to hear from the person they selected to love and be loved by. Every word was like poison. Few tears fell down. I wiped them and got ready for work. then at work i cried.. It seems no matter how much i cry the pain is still fresh. Im living in my own private hell which nobody knows except you kind ppl here. i show everybody a happy face but the pain im going through is killing me inside. I just didnt think this would happen.i had a lot of dreams.to spend my life with him,to grow old with him.. he says he lost the love because of fights.but all married couples fight right? There is no marriage where 2 ppl dnt fight ever.ppl fight, get angry etc but they also forgive forget and live their lives. But it seems my husband is keeping a score of every fight. He hasnt forgiven.. He has said lets divorce in the middle of fights. But i have always thought he said that because he is angry. He has never told me lets get a divorce at a calm moment.so i thought its just something told out of anger and moved on.now i see that he has kept the idea in his mind and nurtured it every time we fought. he says he is willing and trying to love me again. But he doesnt know if and when he will ever love me. So, what do i do so that he would forgive, love me again and would solve problems without resenting in the future? He says he doesnt care but he does ask if im at work,if i ate. He said he wants to buy me a gift for my bday too. So these mixed signals are confusing me. we used to hug kiss and say i love u b4 i go to work and b4 we sleep.now he doesnt like to.. When i hug,sometimes he hugs me sometimes he doesnt. It hurts. I love him so much that i would lay down my life to save his life. But he doesnt want my love... I feel like crap.like someone has died. Well,something has died its his love for me...


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## GenieD (Oct 21, 2012)

I guess what I don't really understand is how you think you'll ever get over the hurt of him telling you that he doesn't love you anymore. Seriously think about what staying with him for the rest of your lives would be like now. Every time you're upset thinking "will he stop loving me if I say that?" Or worrying that if you step out of live, he'll stop loving you? I know that most people are better at forgiveness than I am, but this would forever eat at me.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I am sorry Op your H has checked out of the marriage. It has nothing to do with you. It is your H who just keeps making excuses. Your H is not going to tell you the real reason he wants a divorce. It does not matter . JMO your H has another woman and just wants out of the marriage. You need to go to IC for the help to deal with this issues. Your life is not over just because of one person. Do you have family and friends nearby? You should try and stay busy . Just know this pain will pass with time. *


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

today he told me he wants to drink which is something he promised not to do when we got married. And he said he wants to add women and chat with them on facebook. Before we got married he was on few sites chatting with women, calling them sweetie baby and darling etc. That hurt me when i found out.so he agreed he wouldnt chat. He promised me. Now he wants to break promises and do these things.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

sad.wife said:


> today he told me he wants to drink which is something he promised not to do when we got married. And he said he wants to add women and chat with them on facebook. Before we got married he was on few sites chatting with women, calling them sweetie baby and darling etc. That hurt me when i found out.so he agreed he wouldnt chat. He promised me. Now he wants to break promises and do these things.


*
I am sorry but he has been telling you lies. *


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

i do not fight with him all the time.may be twice a month. Its not even fighting. I talk about the problem whenever there is one. not shouting. He doesnt like to talk about problems.he just wants to drop the topic while i want to talk about it till i understand why and how it happend etc. He says i always tell him about what he 'didnt do' not things like he didnt throw out garbage or put down the toilet seat. I tell him you didnt call me you didnt ask if i ate. Little things.but i guess he doesnt like that. So he forgot to call,i remind him, he doesnt say oh i forgot sorry.he says you always tell me what i didnt do. the main complaints seems to be that i talk about problems when he is at work, i remind what he didnt do which he has taken as me blaming him. When he was angry he has told me about wanting a divorce.but i just thought it was said out of anger.i wish he told me about my mistakes in a calm moment and not while being angry. He says he doesnt love me so is there any way to go back to being a loving couple? All couples fight but they dont resent those once the fight is over right? Im sorry i cant use proper paragraphs.im using a mobile. Thank you to everyone who answered.its a difficult time and every new answer gives me something to think about. he tells me to take care,to eat, he brings me what i like when he goes shopping,he talks with me about his work, but when i kiss and hug he rarely responds. This is tough to go through.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I wish you luck with your husband. JMO he has a woman on the side now. Sometimes the OW get tired of being on the side. It sounds like the OW wants to be the only woman now.*


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

there is no other woman.i trust that. So,we went to MC. he said he fell out of love with me and once he doesnt like something that feeling wouldnt change etc. i guess he does want to love me again. But i dont think he would if he holds on to my mistakes. How can i help him make up his mind to move past that? Sometimes i just wish i would die so that this would be over. God! Its not like i had an affair. Why cant he love me? He did promise to love me till death when we got married.. everyday, my need to feel loved is becoming huge. I want a hug, a kiss, an i love u, a pet name.. Anything.he used to do all of that at least once a day. So how do i cope with that need during this time? I dnt know when he would want to do those again.. Thinking about it makes me very sad.i feel rejected. Any books to read? I already read i love u but im not in love with u. everyday is a struggle for me. He was my rock and now i feel lost. Sometimes i get angry thinking how he could be so cold. I wish he would love me again. Thanks for reading. Im just in pain and confused and wanted to vent. He got me flowers on my bday but no kiss. i want to hug him and kiss him how do i control that urge? I dont want to jump to him as he is not ready to kiss or hug yet but the urge is becoming hard to ignore.


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

i think we are improving.. A little.. He hugged me back. Taking it slow..


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## csoleil09 (Jan 19, 2013)

sad.wife said:


> i think we are improving.. A little.. He hugged me back. Taking it slow..


Hi, I was reading your post and I'm wondering where you are now? It's been almost 2 months since your last post....Just curious to see if things are working out now between you and your husband...

I'm going through the same thing and it's very difficult!!!

Thank you!


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## sad.wife (Oct 16, 2012)

csoleil09 said:


> Hi, I was reading your post and I'm wondering where you are now? It's been almost 2 months since your last post....Just curious to see if things are working out now between you and your husband...
> 
> I'm going through the same thing and it's very difficult!!!
> 
> Thank you!


hi..

we are a lot improved now. he says he loves me.we have fun together... hope it lasts


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You ask about books. Have you tried the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs?


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## csoleil09 (Jan 19, 2013)

Hi,

I'm sad to say that nothing changed between us... He is more distant than ever and it is still killing me but I'm getting ready mentally and financially to do something about it.. To give you an idea I bought a book call: Coming Apart and it help me a lot to see the true picture about me and my husband.. I realized that maybe the perfect couple was only in my mind and I just couldn't letting go. I gave so much in this relationship that seeing the end was not never an option for me. He's my life and I still love him but After almost 2 years living like this, I asked myself, Can I live forever with someone that doesn't care about me? My self esteem is lower and lower everyday. I am to believe that I'm worth it and I deserve to be love..... You can email me at [email protected] and I'll be happy to talk more with you! I'm not talking about this to anyone ;o(


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## Now and forever (May 7, 2013)

My husband done the same thing to me. 19 yr realationship. Just came home and said wanted to seperate. We had no isseues. He had work stress issues. I'm devastated. He changed overnight. From a man I had never seen angry to a man I did not know what he would do next. I had to leave our home. It has been 4 months now. The first three months I pleaded and begged for him to talk to me but it just made him angry. The last 4 weeks I have been travelling and not had any contact with him at all. His family tell me to hang in there and they /we hope he is hoping through some form of midlife crisis . I went to a psychic and she had predicted this and I was like. Wtf. But it has all come true. She also said it would be a struggle but we would eventually work it out. So I'm just sorta wondering hoping she might be right. She was right about everything else. I miss my husband. I want to talk to my husband. But I think I have to give him space and let him come to me. Hurts like hell though.


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