# please help! young married couple sex problems



## LovesMyHUbby (May 30, 2008)

Ok so I will try to not make this a long long story I am a 23 year old female been with my husbang almost two years married for six months we have had a lot of problems that we have worked through in the past he was a alcoholic he is now in AA trying to change is in counseling things are going good except one thing! My lack of sex drive and assertiveness is killing our marriage! Let me just start off by saying in my past relationships I have never had a problem with wanting sex or initiating it but for some reason that I can't figure out I can't initiate it at all my husband is getting fed up with it he feels that I do not want him which is not the case at all because I do I just can't bring myself to take action on it or really do much more than lay there it is not because I am lazy or prude I think it has something to do with all the problems we have had since we have been together that have killed my self esteem in that dept. He used to be very emotionlly and verbally abusive when he would drink I left hime twice and the last time would not come back till he got help but I still can't force myself to do this !! If it stays this way he will leave me and I understand that I just don't know what to do I am not big in counseling for someone to tell me I have anxiety or low self esteem I know that I just want to know how to fix that any input would be appreciaterd thanks for your time!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Low self esteem and a lack of emotional connection are probably the keys. If he has been dragging your esteem down over the past couple of years due to his alcohol and verbal abuse it is likely you don’t desire him. And why should you based on his past treatment of you. Before you slip further into this rut work on your marriage from a communications, romance and friendship level. Be upfront with him about how you feel about sex but let him know you want it to improve. Spend time together dating and enjoying each others company. To enjoy a meaningful and rewarding sex life the emotional ties need to be there for you both. Congats to your husband on improving his life for the betterment of you both.


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## LovesMyHUbby (May 30, 2008)

Thanks so much for your opinions and advice and I figured that was what other people would think to! I love my husband very much and want to make this work with him more than anything I am just afraid he will not see it this way however we have started reading this. Book called extraordinary togetherness and its a really great book for anything from communication and problem resolving and sex and marriage so this will help!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

LovesMyHUbby-

Your self esteem is not as low as you think!

You left him over his drinking and insisted he sort it out. That sounds absolutly the actions of someone with high self-worth. The sex thing will come with time, but you need to focus on the pre-cursors to sex. These pre turn-ons are different for different people.

But at a guess I would say you need these simple things in place:
*
You need to feel supported emotionally by him.*
(but so far you have been _his_ support).

*
You need to find him visually attractive.*

*You need to feel chemistry.*

*If you have built up a wall of resentment, you need to let it down.*


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> But at a guess I would say you need these simple things in place:
> *
> You need to feel supported emotionally by him.*
> (but so far you have been _his_ support).
> ...


:iagree:...but...

walls of resentment...when you find the magic pill to allow you to let them down, post it and let me know what made those walls come down.


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## LovesMyHUbby (May 30, 2008)

Marktwain I totally agree with you on everything you said when it comes to a lot of things my self esteem is pretty high but when it comes to emotional and sexual ways it is not I do feel attracted to him I just feel that there is a lack of emotional connection right now I on my part oh and I know I have built a wall of resentment up which I am working on as he is working on himself as well but for real if there is a pill to make it go away I want to know about it lol!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

LovesMyHUbby-

No honey, you don't need a pill. That's what the whole world does. People cover up the symptoms of how they're feeling with drugs that block those feelings. The feelings are there for a reason. What you need to do is feel those feelings fully, and make friends with them, and ask each feeling in turn what it is trying to tell you. I gave you a list earlier. Are you able to answer how he rates in each department, and what feelings come up as you answer?

A person of your purity and integrity could move through this process quite rapidly. Some people take a who lifetime, and still don't get there.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MT-
pill was a metaphor, or simile, or...whatever that thing is that i intended it to be ;-)

but i agree. in fact my family doc criticized the docs at the physical rehab facility for "throwing drugs" at me. he's gonna narrow my meds down, including using a less-intrusive anti-depressant.


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## LovesMyHUbby (May 30, 2008)

Lol I know about the pills I have been on them before as to each of the things you said that need to change.......... Need to feel emotional support- I would say on a level of one to ten its about a 3 he is very stubborn and has his own views on everything he says that p control my feelings and they are no ones fault but my own that is right and wrong at the same time. As far ad finding him attractive visually I do! The chemistry thing depends on how our day went and how I feel emotionally. And the wall of resentment is high I know he is trying to change but sometimes he has a temper problem and says mean things to me that don't help me from letting this wall down that's why he is in dv classes


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

voivod-

I meant it both as a metaphor and as a literal thing.


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