# Sex no more exciting for me



## pingo (Dec 7, 2009)

Hello,
I am a married man of 28 and my wife and i have been together for more than 10 years now. We decided to get engaged in 2008 and we now live together.

I have noticed that some months before the marriage my sexual desires towards my wife was decreasing. That is, sex together felt less exciting, stimulating for me... gradually this situation has been kind of deteriorating, to a point where today, i rarely have an orgasm when i have sex. To palliate my latent sexual desires i masturbate alone quite often while watching porn.

I feel bad about this situation in a sense that I'm feeling that i'm turning my sexual desires towards "artificial" fantasies that makes me want always more and finally i never really get satisfaction. I do also feel that watching porn is not helping at all to get over this issue.

My wife and I talked about the problem partially and we tried hard to change a few things in our life, such as the activities that we lead in common, sex positions in the bed room etc... but nothing has brought any conclusive result yet.

I would like some opinion from couples and/or professionals who can guide me on how to overcome such problem.

Thanks for your attention,
Pingo


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Do you watch porn featuring things your wife won't do?

If so, ask her to do them.


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

His wife isn't a freaking porn star. Normal women shouldn't have to act like porn stars to keep their husband wanting them. You are only 28, if you don't figure it out soon, you have a whole lot of miserable life ahead of you. Has she gained a lot of weight? Are you scared to get her pregnant? Is there other stress in your life?


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

@Ditajr - artieb never said that a woman needs to act like a porn star to keep her husband wanting her..
artieb suggested to tell his wife what INTERESTED him in the movies,so they could do it in the bed room.
But in a shorter way.

People are so sensitive.Jeez.

I suggest what you both are saying.

First Has she gained a lot of weight? Are you scared to get her pregnant? Is there other stress in your life?

Then

Second tell her what you like in the sex department.


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## pingo (Dec 7, 2009)

Hello,
First, thanks for your answers.

I think that porn kinds of often, not to say always, features things that normal couples don't do in real life. That said, I'm not seriously fancying on anything special I see in porn. Though some scenarios pictures some of my fantasies, which I believe are common for many men, I don't feel that the porn thing is missing in my sex relation.

She hasn't gained weight and in rare situations I'm scared to get her pregnant. I do have a stressful life at times, but it's not on a daily basis.

Is it possible that I'm bored of having sex with her? If yes what could I do to stop being bored?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You may be bored, or you may have intimacy issues. Before you had the commitment, the sex was exciting because you were still pursuing her, now that you feel you have her, you may be afraid of really going deeper with her. Find out what is the core issue. If it's just "boring" sex, there are a million ways to spice it up, but if it's an intimacy issue that's coming out as a sex issue, then you need to look deeper into those fears. Counseling would certainly be advisable at this point.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If porn attracts you when your wife doesn't, there must be _something_ in the images that makes up for them being 2-d representations. You choose pictures (or movies) over a warm and willing female, with a real body which you can feel and smell and taste, and who will actively respond to you. To choose the pictures/movies over the person, the picture must represent something.

Is there anything negative about sex with your wife? What do you like about porn? If you always seek out the same thing, then that's a hint about what you want. If you seek out different things, or you don't want anything in particular, what is it that you're looking for?

Is it just that the women get naked in 60 seconds, and your wife takes longer to warm up? Or that they sit around wearing next to nothing in the first place? In real life, of course, there are chores to do and kids to put to bed; people catch colds, or sprain their ankles. In porn movies, nothing like that has to happen: the women are always ready for sex.

So, think about it: what is it you like about the porn you look at? What makes it a more attractive choice than actual sex with your actual wife?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

pingo said:


> Hello,
> I am a married man of 28 and my wife and i have been together for more than 10 years now. We decided to get engaged in 2008 and we now live together.
> 
> I have noticed that some months before the marriage my sexual desires towards my wife was decreasing. That is, sex together felt less exciting, stimulating for me... gradually this situation has been kind of deteriorating, to a point where today, i rarely have an orgasm when i have sex. To palliate my latent sexual desires i masturbate alone quite often while watching porn.
> ...


This is nothing complicated about it whatsoever. The advice so far in this thread is mostly on track (and yes it is not to be assumed that some wifes are not of the capability to make some porn star women look like amateurs, but that is for another thread!) 

The questions about what about porn you are interested in are on the money, but maybe not in ways you are thinking.

A man and woman both have sexual fantasies, and the good man and woman are looking to see in those fantasies what is missing or desirable in their own lives.

Is is the sexual freedom, the experimentation, a particular version of porn you are attracted to (domination, a submissive woman, multiple partners, etc)?

For most men, the attraction to porn is the dominance that perhaps they are missing in their own sexual life. Even regardless of the particular aspects of porn, maybe a man just wanting to enjoy the female form, but the sense of control they have while enjoying porn is missing from their sex lives. If this is remotely true then pay attention to these feelings!

What is the root of my point, as to not make this post extra long, is that it is often too easy to dismiss a man's watching porn instead of wanting to have sex with his wife, for what the real problem is, that is the man is not emotionally fulfilled with his marriage sex life.

The sad fact is, mens emotional needs are most easily ignored or dismissed, but are as important and missed as much as a woman's.

The bottom line, your emotional needs have not been met, for some reason a connection is severed or maybe never having been made to begin with, with your wife. You are harboring resentment and that has affected your sexual attraction to your wife.

Now you are concerned with your own feelings of guilt or confusion, and in subltety resent your wife, even if you do not at first see this, and the spiral of resentment starts when your wife notices you are not attracted to her, and she resents you for that and the barriers are built between both of you.

For sexual attraction it is this simple, a man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. A woman will find a dominant man iresistible, and will resent a man she feels is weak.

If a man does not have the calm, mature, and matter-of-fact control of the sexual "hows and whens", he will not be emotionally and sexualy fulfilled to his potential. As a woman, if she is not dominated in matters of sexuality, she will feel inside deeply that her husband does not find her desirable and will instead feel INSECURE and begin to resent her husband for this.

A man is not attracted to a woman he resents, or who resents him. 

If this is the case in your relationship, to take ownership and control of your sexual (and by definition the emotional) ownership of the relationship!

I wish you well.


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## pingo (Dec 7, 2009)

Hello,

Thanks for your answers.

@HappyHer: What is an "intimacy issue" and how can i deal with it?

@BigBadWolf: What do you mean by "emotionally fulfilled with his marriage sex life"? and how can i be fulfilled?


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Ok. Read the following and tell me if any of them are correct :

1. she has become much more judgemental and naggy...not the sweet woman she used to be 
2. she never shows enthusiasm in bed, she's like just sitting there
3. she has become much more clingy and dependent and you sometimes feel like you're raising her instead of being a couple

Also...why are you scared of pregnancy? No birthcontrol whatsoever? 

For short....if you always feel pressure during sex, you won't enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it you'll avoid it.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

pingo said:


> Hello,
> 
> Thanks for your answers.
> 
> ...


For the man to be fulfilled emotionally and sexually, and know it is not just porn and masturbation so it is not just a physical release, but emotoinally connecting deeply with a woman who is emotionally connected with that man, is what I am speaking.

For the woman to say, that man loves me because he is jealous of me, he is desiring of me, he is passionate about me, he listens to me, he pays attention to me, he meets my needs, to think about it objectively it is for the logic and reason to see that it is impossible list of requirements. But for the man who is connected emotionally to the woman, it is most natural to do these things and even more with joy and not even sometimes to think about it!

For the good man to view the woman sexually as a dominant man, it is like taking care of something entrusted to him, something that is more precious than even life itself. Know this is always what is speaked of in the romance and love stories, and the ancient myths of the knight slaying the dragon for the maiden.

To try to love a woman without this emotional and sexual connection is more like work, and such work is impossible without the woman to see herself as not being desired by her man and then feeling insecure.

When the proper sexual attraction structure is realized, a man strives to dominant and a woman strives to be dominated, then it is not work but instead a passion and a joy.

This is the emotional connection which I am speaking.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

who doesn't get turned on from this site? lol


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