# Unsure about my marriage



## nabster (Jan 21, 2013)

My husband of one year and I recently separated. It has been three weeks. We hardly have any contact. 

We had several problems over the months (including the issue of my husband cheating on me with an older woman and having webcam sessions with randoms on the internet even after our marriage). During this time I turned to my ex for comfort, being the sensible man that he is he hardly ever responded to me and when he did he only gave me strength to face the problems in my marriage.

But my husband has seen many of the emails that i sent to me ex, in which i told him i missed him and the companionship etc. (to be noted: my ex never replied to these emails), I think this has made my husband feel inadequate in our marriage. As a result he closed up, worsening our problems. 

Adding to all this I recently discovered in a counselling session that I have father abandonment issues, thus obviously I haven't been the easiest person to live with. My husband now says that marriage scares the **** out of him and that he is much more peaceful after i left. 

But he has already started his old ways with girls on webcam. when I asked him he told me he did nothing wrong with them whatsoever and just wanted to say hi to his old friends. I know this is absolute bull****. I have read his fb conversations with these girls, asking if they were still single and adding them to his skype list. But I am ready to forgive him this, bcoz i believe he is only doing all this due to his loneliness. Although it is not healthy, its his coping mechanism.

My real issue however is I am not sure if we were ever meant to be together (ours was an arranged marriage and my husband, I just realised is my rebound guy). I can see that he is not as deep as I need my man to be. But he is a nice enough guy. he is kind to me, quite understanding. But he never stands up for me with his family, I don't feel protected and safe when I am with him, I don't feel he is genuinely attracted to me,I can see he has no direction or aims in life, I don't feel a strong masculine streak in him and I believe I need that to be in a happy marriage with a man. 

I need my man to be strong, I want him to be able to handle me. I dont want my husband to be swayed by me or my emotions. I want him to stand by my side at all times. He enjoys my passion and strength when we are in bed and I am happy but he can't handle these qualities of mine when I am unhappy. He is scared by them. He usually just ignores me, where I want him to hug me when I am in a rage and show me he loves me no matter what ( I am working on anger management through therapy). 

I even gave him David Deida's "The way of the superior man" but he has admitted that he hasn't read it (Not sure if he has read it since I left). He is like that when it comes to learning anything. He is just too complacent and content in his current state and refuses to make any proactive step towards our marriage or anything else in his life for that matter. For eg; he has just let his PhD thesis hang for three years and last year he was told it will be cancelled, but even that did not prod him into working on it. 

My therapy is making me more open and helping me see my mistakes. I called his mother with whom I had problems and called truce as well. But I am still not sure of I must stay in this marriage. I know I will face a lot of social stigma if I get a divorce but should that force me to be in a marriage which I know is probably not going to fulfill my heart's deepest desires? But a marriage in which I can most probably be happy at least on the outset?? 

I would appreciate any thoughts from anybody to help me clarify my doubts... thanks in advance.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm sorry to say, but your husband doesn't appear to be very vested in the marriage. Nor do you seem like a good match, just my opinion on your description of you both. 

Other than avoiding the social stigma (so what, it'll pass), what other reasons do you have to try to save the marriage? It seems you are already on the road to the divorce path, with having separated. What could possibly change that would convince you that the separation was a mistake and you should go back to him?


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## nabster (Jan 21, 2013)

debster said:


> I'm sorry to say, but your husband doesn't appear to be very vested in the marriage. Nor do you seem like a good match, just my opinion on your description of you both.
> 
> Other than avoiding the social stigma (so what, it'll pass), what other reasons do you have to try to save the marriage? It seems you are already on the road to the divorce path, with having separated. What could possibly change that would convince you that the separation was a mistake and you should go back to him?


_Posted via Mobile Device_

The fact that I miss him..... a lot!


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