# Three years after DDay, what I want my WH to know



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

To my husband, 
I am not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing this letter to you…perhaps just trying to put my feelings on paper in such a way that you may understand me a little better…please bear with me…

I understand that you intensely dislike discussing the past. But I truly do appreciate and learn more about you when you allow me into your private world when you are willing to talk. That kind of sharing is what I truly believe a good marriage has. I understand that it brings you pain and revisits emotions that you would rather not feel , that you feel it is detrimental to our relationship and that it possibly ends up hurting me unnecessarily. I feel you believe it to be a weakness or character flaw in me that I still need to seek answers. Unfortunately, I do recognize a period of negativity after we discuss the past…I may get my answers by nagging but often you withdraw in anger and/or resentment. Not a good dynamic for our mutual healing. I am sorry for that.

Please try to understand that I do NOT ask questions to hurt you, wreak vengeance, punish you or to wallow in self-pity. I ask them in order to understand you, your feelings, what motivated you, to understand my role in the whole situation. You knew the WHOLE story of our marriage which included your unfulfilled needs, the other women and how they affected your feelings towards me during and even between the affairs, but for so long I did not…I was clueless, preferring to live in denial even though I should have responded more aggressively to the obvious red flags I recognized. (it’s so hard for me to get over how complacent I was and forgive myself for that.) Over the last 2 years, you have expressed at various times that our relationship had deteriorated to the point where it was more conflict than not, there was no more fun and spontaneity, sex was practically non-existent; you felt encumbered, something elusive was missing, and you were convinced that I flat out did not love you. I am still rather confused as to whether this refers to the time before your first or second affair, or both. I assume both. But I fully understand how you could have felt this way considering how we interacted at the time.

I feel so much of my poor behavior towards you was due to not knowing the real reasons for your withdrawal from me , not understanding how you felt and what you needed from me. During the affairs I reacted to your coldness and absence in our lives in ways that I am not proud of and am sorry for but that I think can be understood (though not condoned)when considering the reality of what I faced. As for the time that led up to the first affair, all I can say is that I felt neglected, used, taken for granted, criticized and overwhelmed by child care. I had learned, to my dismay, that over the course of our marriage up to that time, that you hid many things from me, that you either grew to distrust me or had always been unwilling to share your innermost feelings with me…I didn’t think it was so at the very beginning of our relationship. In any event, because I rarely heard praise or affirmations of love from you or was allowed to share in your feelings I grew to feel unloved to the point that I took out my frustrations and disappointments on you. To try to determine who started the downward spiral in our relationship is a fruitless task…we both contributed equally in my mind.

So, the other day, when you more fully explained exactly how our friendship with the OW morphed into an affair, I gained great insight into what motivated you. It’s a missing piece of the puzzle that helps complete the picture of our marriage and helps me to better understand who you were…it’s a tearing down the walls of secrecy you had built around yourself and your other relationships that had excluded me…and I see that as a good and necessary thing for both of us. I regret that after discovery (including the first affair), you felt the need to hide so much from me for whatever reason and were unwilling to cooperate in what I now know was necessary for us BOTH to heal by not revealing the whole truth, by not reading the professional advice I encouraged you to read for your own understanding or continue with counseling. 

They say that there are three issues most people trying to heal from this situation find hardest. The knowledge of the sex shared outside of marriage, the knowledge that their partner formed an emotional bond (love) with the other person and the deceit necessary to accomplish both. Obviously, all have been hard for me to move beyond on my own. 

While I desperately wanted to be allowed into your heart, you have expressed that it was easier for you to confide in another (my reactions often being negative): to share a level of emotional intimacy that I was excluded from. She knows all my faults or thinks she does and her opinion will never be corrected. I believe you grew to love her in place of me. I do not believe you loved two women at the same time, but that you replaced me in your heart with her for the time of the affair. I believe this because of how I remember being treated, the length of the relationship, the amount of time it took you to disengage fully from her and because you have been unwilling to talk about it. I realize for some reason it is difficult for you to express your love and feelings for me verbally which unfortunately is the only way I understand them. But it seems to me that you were able to express the same feelings to the other women quite freely. I know I have to accept this and move on with the hope that your love and its expression could fully return for me. It has been incredibly hard for me to do this as it opens me again to hurt, leaves me vulnerable when all my instincts scream to protect myself and requires trusting that you will not hurt me again. Thus the conflicts we have experienced since…

As to the sexual healing? I look back at the arch of my sexual growth and realize that I was fairly inexperienced for the most part, immature sexually, meaning pretty traditional and modest in how I expressed my sexuality when I first came to you, had unresolved guilt, and probably carried some deep-seated body image issues that probably affected it all. But I had always held as a treasured memory those sexual awakenings I experienced with you when we first fell in love. Ironically, I held then and still do, certain personal sexual fantasies that have never been realized for me but that you experienced with another woman…that hurts. My sexual expression was no doubt stunted during the bad years of conflict and that you were keenly disappointed in me sexually, feeling I was a prude and frigid. I then totally buried most of it during the affair years as I felt you were repulsed by me and the rejection was just too painful to me to attempt an effort. However, I feel I have had a remarkable reawakening since the beginning of our sexual and emotional reconciliation. I have experienced the best sex we have ever had since then but realize that you may have experienced your peak sexual experiences with someone else and it breaks my heart that I may never overcome that in your heart. Until you begin to tell me differently, I will always feel I was deficient in some way and that another woman holds that special place in your heart and memory. This too, I have to accept and move beyond.

I am sorry if this letter makes you feel pain, resentful, or angry…it is not meant to. But I need to express myself and stand up for myself and I feel the only way I can do that is by perfect honesty. This is not an attempt to cause unhappiness but to communicate my most vulnerable feelings to you …feelings I don’t think you understand right now and that I need to express to move on. If I have misunderstood your feelings or memories as expressed in this letter, I need you to correct my assumptions, come what may. I realize you may feel that certain feelings and experiences are your private business, but hope you understand from my point of view, that when they impact my self-identity, our relationship and the meaning of its history, they are my business too.

Every day, I pray for strength and courage to personally overcome this in order to allow our past to become just another chapter in our lives, without the pain that accompanies it now for both of us. I hope you can understand that it has been the hardest challenge I have ever had to face: to take responsibility for the past I had control over, accept the past I was given no choice in creating and also understand the pain you felt and obviously still do. I truly appreciate the efforts you have made to reconcile up to this point and despite everything else, I am grateful you are a part of my life. To first forgive ourselves, and then each other and for me, even the other women in our story, is absolutely necessary for a release of the pain and blame and doubt. I know we have to succeed in full forgiveness in order to become better people and enjoy peace and contentment once again in our lives. I only ask that you help me achieve this by your patience, honesty and willingness to examine your own feelings fully and express them to me.

I pledge and commit to you to continually seek a level of honesty, love and emotional bonding to you, my chosen one, for better or worse, that we never really had before… even in our best years.


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## IPoH (Jul 31, 2012)

My heart breaks for you, this is so beautifully written. I hope your husband will see this letter as a wake up call to give you what you need to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

That was a wonderful letter. God Bless sister.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Passionate letter.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

It's been almost year for us, this time, it wasn't his first rodeo in the online/texting only affair department, but it hurt the most because I learned of his renewed contact with the same woman after a year of what I thought was total reconciliation, thinking it was the best year in our lives for many years (we have been married over 34 years now).

He can't really satisfactorily explain why he started it again past "I was curious as to how she was doing" and it went from there. I feel he knew darn well what it could and would lead to again as he claims to be the one who took it to the next level this time.

He tries so hard, I have no concrete reason to believe he has had any contact with her, but, I feel like it will never be the same. I can see us staying together if he continues to give me no reason to be suspicious, but, will I always feel it's tainted to some degree? Sometimes I still check his phone for calls or texts and the phone bill in case he has deleted anything, but there is nothing there. Last year when I discovered his 2nd time with her, it was a fluke, I hadn't looked at his phone in quite a while and he had been deleting his call history except that one day, so you can see why a year later I am still wary, I guess.

Anyway, I hope your WH can find a way to not to feel hurt or angry when you express your feelings. Has he read the letter? I used to write things and then hold onto them to see how I felt before letting him read them. Sometimes I edited them as my feelings changed over time before I gave them to him. Sometimes I just deleted them and he never saw them, but it did me good to write them and revisit them.

I hope you find peace and love.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I could tell that was 100% from the heart.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

A wonderful letter, articulating so well the pain of betrayal and its aftermath and the battle that lies ahead for BS trying to get WS to give them what's needed, deserved actually - the truth. They make us work hard for it but yet it seems to evade so many of us. A twist of the knife in the wound. Just what is it about the truth they don't understand? A ten-year-old does. Maybe all WS who react like that deserve to be walked away from. 

And so BS ends up being given 2 battles, the battle of trying to come to terms with the betrayal and the battle for the truth. 

It never ceases to amaze me that though a WS can clearly see the extent of pain they have caused BS, they still aren't willing to put *themselves* through the pain of revealing everything and being honest and open which is usually all a BS asks for. Rather they just inflict even more pain, kicking us when we are down. And they're afraid they will possibly be told to leave. They don't like pain very much themselves it seems. 

The pain of revelation likely isn't as deep as that of betrayal. After all, the secret is out in any case. 

WS are lucky, they know everything that happened as does OM/OW and so they have control of us and an OM/OW out there knows things about our spouse that we don't. OM/OW also knows the truth. So we are at WS' mercy even after D-day. Only this time we know we are at their mercy. WS also know in most cases that BS has always been faithful. Oh yes, they are indeed lucky and had their fun at our expense. 

I hope your WS reads your letter and takes everything you say very seriously because you certainly expressed it clearly. And like every decent human being you deserve the best. 

I'm sorry to sound so gloomy but it struck a nerve because of the thread I just started.

Thank you for the great post and I do hope "all-will-be-well'.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Thanks so much for all your encouragement...PamJ, yes, I do hold on to my letters and no, I haven't given this to him yet, but after a week, I still think its very valid. I hesitate to give it to him now because I am afraid it will set us back with him seeing it as a way to throw his affairs back into his face when everything is really going along quite well. 

It took my FWH over a year and half to send a no contact letter, after I finally drew the line and said this is it...wished I had set the boundaries sooner. His excuses for the non-physical contact sometimes initiated by him, sometimes by OW was that it meant nothing, was curious, didn't know why he kept in contact, etc. At that point, I contacted the OW to tell her to back off and she exposed his first affair of 21 years ago which he had denied when I received an anonymous letter way back then. I believed him, they ended it, but our marriage never healed and left the door open for the second 13 years later. If he got away with it once, why not again?

WH had lost his moral compass, and like an addiction, fell thru the rabbit hole of selfishness and deceit without any attempt to address his own demons or what he was doing to contribute to the dysfunction of our marriage. I was within a hairs-breadth of giving up every time I found new evidence of phone/text contact and I checked everyday! Thank God he finally realized what his "innocent" contact was doing to our attempts to reconcile and to his character... but we stayed the course we had agreed on to save our marriage as we both went through intense pain to get where we are now. Incredible highs, incredible lows...but absolutely no more chances...

I will always have the knowledge of what he did and felt towards me in those years...what he destroyed forever for me... and he will always have the guilt and remorse and the belief he can never make it up to me...Which is harder to live with?

I read somewhere that true forgiveness is not allowing the injury to stand between you any longer. I know I am not at that place yet but am working everyday to get there for *myself*. I pray for patience and perseverance knowing that trust and respect will take years to regain...thank you all for your comments...they strengthen me more than you can ever know...hugs and encouragement to all... no matter what path you have chosen to heal.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I will always have the knowledge of what he did and felt towards me in those years...what he destroyed forever for me... and he will always have the guilt and remorse and the belief he can never make it up to me...Which is harder to live with?>>

I truly believe the guilt on top of the pain would be much harder. The first time my FWH strayed he did feel justified as we were not communicating well at all , but he felt HE was the injured party, that I made it that way, just me. I felt we both were equally responsible for the state of our marriage but I had some solace in that I did not cheat and make it worse. It would never enter my mind to do that.

As an excuse he kept saying he just didn't want to be here, in this house, with me and would use any excuse to leave so he could text/sext etc. with her. He was telling me this when we were reconciling from the 2nd time with the same woman. He was trying to tell me that after that it was different, he WANTED to be here. I finally had to tell him to stop saying that because to me it meant he still felt I had somehow forced him into what he did the first time. He still didn't get it.

I don't bring it up much anymore. The other day I found a selfie in his phone that he took while in his car, his roving office, former love nest. It hit a button and I asked him about it as he had not used it for his FB profile pic or anything else that I could see, so I wondered if he had sent it to someone. He said no, he had taken the pic, didn't like it, forgot about it and used another pic for his profile.

I only bring things up once in a while when I get reminded by something innocuous and then I get past it. Nothing new has happened since last June when the OW texted him accusing him of giving out her cell# to someone who was calling her. He told me about that immediately. As far as I know, there has been no contact since then. 
It takes time and patience I am learning.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Double post


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Sammy...cant personally message you as your mailbox is full...awbw


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I am curious Allwillbewell if you gave him this letter?
If so, did anything ‘stick’?
I’ve sent my wife several of these heartwrenching things. While it does touch her, she is always able to shove it down below and continue plodding forward in her old ways of thinking. It’s bad enough that I call it my “two week rule” which simply means she changes for a couple days for up to two weeks; then she reverts right back into her shell. That results in me keeping her at arm’s length.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Yes, Racer, gave him the letter 2 weeks after initial conversation. He took it well but we didn't get a chance to discuss all of it...the sexual part especially. 

I read your story and I would say you have had a much more difficult time of it than I. Also, it sounds as if your wife has some serious issues relating to her past which my husband does not. While he obviously has issues relating to selfishness, lying, cake-eating and emotional intimacy, I can't relate that to anything in his past particularly. IMO, she really could benefit from serious IC.

I did learn from all this that H pretty much always lied to me if he thought I would react negatively to the truth. This naturally morphed into the huge betrayals he got away with for so long. Whether he understands how destructive dishonesty has been and will always be in our marriage, only time will tell. Like ********** says, how do BSs EVER know if the truth is being told even in R? I finally realized that I can't strangle the truth out of him but know that in time I will discover it if he lies or returns to dishonesty and that will be that: I walk. It has released me from an immense amount of anxiety for the time being.

He understands that I need, no, demand total honesty, I need affection and reassurance to feel secure. He is not a demonstrative type of man in the first place but is trying to change that and so far I give him credit. He has never brought up the affairs on his own nor does he apologize profusely. I am OK with this as long as he is willing to answer questions for me when I ask. He has communicated his remorse and acknowledged that he failed and disappointed me(and himself!) in such a huge way that it can never be repaid. 

We live from day to day in a mutually enjoyable fashion, giving and taking pleasure, being there for each other. About the only time I have problems is when the OW ignores NC and tries to contact him, when I trigger big time or when he withdraws emotionally for some reason. His demeanor in withdrawal is a big trigger for me in itself as this is the behavior he exhibited when lying or deep in the affairs. So I call him on it immediately and we usually try to work it out with as little drama as possible.
I have learned to alter my reactions and behavior too! 

Sexually, we are so-so. He is lower drive now than I, so of course I feel cheated. Its as if he had expended all his sexual energy on his OW and I get the leftovers! Married sex vs. affair sex...you know. Ironically, he initially accused me of being cold, frigid and withholding as justification when in actuality it was him withholding and rejecting me during his affairs. I realized this as my self esteem returned. So we are working on that...with mostly me trying to figure out how to rev up his libido...he consistently tells me I am not second best in that category but as a BS you know how you will ALWAYS feel about that...

Racer, I think you are doing the best that you can considering what you have to work with. I encourage you to never stop standing up for yourself and confronting your W when she behaves in ways that are not conducive to healing...for you or her. If you don't, you are just enabling her bad behavior and reinforcing to her that you can be treated as she likes. Try to be gentle in your approach, using kind words and patience. And try to convince her she needs to work with an IC to solve her personal issues before she loses the best thing she ever had: you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

That is such a beautiful and powerful letter...i hope he reads not just the words but the emotions and pain below the words....thank you for sharing


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