# He Called Me the "B" Word...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Yesterday ended poorly... We had an okay day, then he became agitated and snippy towards the evening. I took it until I had enough and o calmly asked him what was bothering him... He went off. He was tired and stressed out and here I am turning his world upside down. He made two references out of the blue about me looking like "trailer trash" (I was in my pajamas), and then he said it. I'm a b**** because I'm bothering him (trying to figure out what's wrong). Needless to say he was on the couch for the night, and the dogs slept with me in the room. I was so hurt I couldn't even speak to him. The next morning he apologized, but I am stubborn and can't really acknowledge that he is sorry. Just livid that he could attack me like that when I just wanted to help with whatever was bothering him. That kind of treatment really isn't helping me regain trust in him. In fact, if he thinks I'm a b**** then he can move out as far as I'm concerned. I'm really in a funk where I can't seem to get enough space right now... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

What did we discuss the other day about respect???

He is showing you continued signs of mental / emotional abuse. He is taking all his frustration on you... because he can. At this point he's becoming nothing more than a bully. This is NOT how a person who loves you treats you. LIke i said to you a few days ago... he is showing you what he is when he's at his worst. You are not being fair to yourself, thinking that's okay to stick around... just for his best. To me, the negative far outweighs the positives. You are really setting yourself up for further harm. Like i mentioned, to i've been with my wife 14 years, married 12, and i've never even used profanity in her presence, he shouldn't get an okay for this, just because he had a bad day.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I would recommend to stop approaching him with "what's wrong?" If he's already in a bad mood, then hearing "what's wrong" is only going to make him worse, as it did. 

Him calling you names is UNEXCUSABLE! I've been there, done that. I also fixed the issue by leaving him. Yep, took my child and we separated. And it wasn't until that point, and me standing up for myself, that he realized what an azz he was being. We went to MC and a few months later, I moved back into the house. From then on, he's been a changed man and has not called me any names; this has been since 2006. He now knows not to even go there with me, because I will not tolerate it. 

And neither should you! Grow a back bone, get out of your pajamas and into something nice, and show some respect for yourself. He might show some respect towards you as well.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

southern wife said:


> I would recommend to stop approaching him with "what's wrong?" If he's already in a bad mood, then hearing "what's wrong" is only going to make him worse, as it did.
> 
> Him calling you names is UNEXCUSABLE! I've been there, done that. I also fixed the issue by leaving him. Yep, took my child and we separated. And it wasn't until that point, and me standing up for myself, that he realized what an azz he was being. We went to MC and a few months later, I moved back into the house. From then on, he's been a changed man and has not called me any names; this has been since 2006. He now knows not to even go there with me, because I will not tolerate it.
> 
> And neither should you! Grow a back bone, get out of your pajamas and into something nice, and show some respect for yourself. He might show some respect towards you as well.


I had informed her to make a stand the other day, to show him that there has to be consequences to his actions, towards her, even it is only verbal abuse. He will continue to do this because ... he doesn't have to pay for it. 

OP, pack and bag hun, and roll out. If he wants you back, he has to change. He won't change, just by saying sorry. We see a continued pattern now...


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Well, I can understand we all have bad days, but this is not something I'd accept. My man doesn't even allow me to raise the voice and he's telling me to chill. And he's right. There's nothing so bad in a day to grant for this verbal abuse. I really hope you can find the strength to really show the guy he's not supposed to talk to you like this. NO MATTER WHAT.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> I had informed her to make a stand the other day, to show him that there has to be consequences to his actions, towards her, even it is only verbal abuse.


Apparently she's afraid to stand on her own 2 feet and get control of this situation. But somehow she must pull up her boot straps........and just do what needs to be done. 

Otherwise, he will continue this abusive behavior. :iagree:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I want to leave but the best - can do right now is kick him out of my room. It's my house and we are discussing him moving out. I don't have a car, and family is a city away. In fact, I've been thinking heavily about moving out of state with my sister in TX. I don't want to give up my job, though... So, lots to think about.  I'm almost to the point where I don't care anymore and that's not good. I've been here several times and I've always ended up leaving. For good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> It's my house and we are discussing him moving out.


Saying it is "my" house ... does that mean you are the sole name on the mortgage and title of the home? 



YinPrincess said:


> I don't have a car, and family is a city away. In fact, I've been thinking heavily about moving out of state with my sister in TX. I don't want to give up my job, though...


Why don't you own a car? Please don't consider giving up your job at this point. The economy sucks, and it isn't easy to pick up and move elsewhere, AND find a job too. Moving out of state will physically remove you from your situation, but you take yourself wherever you go. It may be a bit more difficult to get him out of your house, but it is not impossible. 




YinPrincess said:


> I've been here several times and I've always ended up leaving. For good.


Do you mean you have been in similar relationships to this one, and walked away from them for good? If so, do you see that you are repeating a pattern?

BTW, have you considered meeting with an attorney?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Yes, I rent, but I am the only person only the lease, technically. (I had already gone month-to-month by the time I got married and my husband moved in, so my landlord, who is also my neighbor, didn't think it neccessary to add him). That being said, yes, he can still claim and prove residency. My landlord/I would be required to give him from three to thirty days' notice to vacate.

I hate that things always seem to boarder the unacceptable... which makes taking an action like this seem drastic.... 

I DO own a car... In fact I have two cars, and a motorcycle... However, none are safe to drive/drivable at this point. I have slowly but surely been making repairs to my acura, I am hoping to have it done by spring... Being pregnant I am limited in my time and energy to perform automotive repairs at this time.

I really love my job and don't want to give it up, but due to circumstances I'm in, I find it very difficult to work. (He works days, I work overnights... even worse, I work on his days off, so when I come home after working all night, he's up and puttering around in our tiny house and I can't sleep. I feel like I'm always finding 'assignments' for him to do to get him out for a bit, so I can sleep... This has made me extremely fatigued. The housework doesn't get done, even on my days off. I'm either too tired or not motivated because I am depressed and overwhelmed.

This is DEFINITELY a pattern I've been in, for several years, in several relationships... Only the past relationships, I knew what I was getting into, and always had a 'save them' mentality. My husband KNEW this, and even before we started dating, I KNEW he was fitting into a pattern somehow... I just had that feeling. I asked him repeatedly before we got married, how he thought he fit into that pattern, (knowing my history). He never once disclosed that he was addicted to pills. I know it was something he denied at first, and something he was ashamed of, as well...

Even though my husband has/had been an addict for years, even throughout our friendship, I was never aware of it. He is/was so secretive and good at hiding it, (even after he moved in with me!) that I only discovered when he was withdrawing and came 'clean' so to speak, about why he was acting so odd. He went through this period of withdrawals for around 5 days before his 'supply' came in.

When that happened I expressed my discontent, disappointment, experienced some clarity, in remembering that 'feeling' I had before we got married... but even then I didn't give him an ultimatum. I should have, but I'm glad I didn't, or else he would just claim that I'm 'controlling' and trying to 'ruin' his life. Yes, he's actually said that to me. As if the pills weren't damaging his brain and body... 

On his own recognizance, he gave me the bottle of pills he'd just received and asked me to keep them from him, but not discard them, which I have done. Every so often, he asks for one, I decline, he gets mad and says I'm controlling. He threatens to order more and not tell me about it... effectively keeping me anxious. I feel a little set-up by this, but I know addictions are hard. I've seen many people suffer over the years. I, myself, have struggled with my own addiction to nicotene. 

I'm trying to find a balance between understanding and enabling here. I also need to find the balance between my happiness and his. In ever other relationship I've had with an addict... I gave up on them, and I always felt guilty for doing so. I always felt like I was less of a partner for abandoning them, even when it came to abuse.

My mind is obviously not "right" if I think this way... It is really difficult for me to adopt a new perspective, so your imput here is valuable to me.

Thank you for reading and responding. I will continue in counselling, although I think I need a new counsellor... she seems to think my husband is an angel and I'm the "demanding" devil. I am awaiting our next visit together to disclose the truth about his past as an addict (lots of residual trust issues there, because of the lying and secrecy) and my tendancy to attract addicts.

For some reason, I thought I did everything correct this time. I took my time getting involved, asked all the right questions, didn't even let him move in until we were married. I was apparently duped anyways by my own subconscious....


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Grow a back bone, get out of your pajamas and into something nice, and show some respect for yourself. He might show some respect towards you as well.


I agree with the rest of your post, but this is taking it too far. She's pregnant, she has terrible morning sickness, and she's in her own home. Let her wear her pyjamas if she wants to, for heaven's sake. There's no issue of "not respecting herself" because of what she's wearing. If he wants to insult her on that basis, it is ALL on him.

YP, I think you are very hot and cold in your feelings for him. You report incidents that sound like abuse (emotional or otherwise) and seem ready to leave or at least considering leaving / or kicking his butt out. But then you also post that you wouldn't change a thing about your marriage and he's so great (I'm not intentionally misquoting you so forgive me if I'm taking you out of context - I think that was on the wedding thread). 

I think it's time for you to sit down with yourself and decide what you want. You have a job, a place to live, a baby on the way, and a difficult pregnancy (or has that calmed down yet? I sure hope so!). You also have a husband who didn't want a baby, maybe has changed his mind, but definitely hasn't come to terms with fatherhood; who treats you with no respect and encourages you in your ideas that there's something wrong with you (i.e., makes you think you're paranoid / going crazy - a HUGE red flag by the way); and who had (and probably still has) substance abuse issues.

You're at (or at least approaching) an enormous crossroads in your life. You can choose to muddle along with this man and the baby, or you can choose to leave him and go on without him. I question how helpful MC can be when you aren't sharing all the issues (like addiction) and when it seems the MC is primarily interested in handing out blame.

I'm not saying you should stop going to MC, but I think saving your marriage is going to take something like 60% your husband's commitment to saving it, 30% yours, and another 10% MC to keep you on the same page. 

Have you asked him how he feels about the idea of separating / divorcing? And what does he say?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

By the way, there is no moral failing in leaving an addict. Especially one who hid his addiction from you when you met!! I dare say most women would consider drug addiction a deal breaker. I think it's reasonable and loving to say "I will not stayed married to a drug addict, but I will help you get help outside the marriage."


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

He, the marriage, us... was really great... and we can both agree that we can trace our problems (now) back to his lying and secrecy then. It really hurt and it's hard to cope with, without the right tools.

Will post more later... Leaving work now. Thanks to everyone who is offering their take. I do really appreciate it, since objectivity is hard for me to grasp right now...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I guess the best way to describe my hot and coldness is to say, I feel so... Grateful when things are going well... I really don't want to seem like a Negative Nancy or unbalanced on focusing on the negative qualities he has. He is human, and not perfect and I don't expect him to be... I guess that may be a part of my enabler tendencies... To be completely honest, if I'd never found out he lied about some things, I'm not sure we'd have the problems we do now. That may or may not be, but I feel it instigated a lot of his behaviors and defensiveness, arguements, power struggles, etc. We do really need to address this in counseling to give us a fair shot, that much is true. The worst thing for me is HIS resentment towards me whenever I have a problem or trust issue... He seems so unwilling or unable to accept his role in all of this and I know its not all me... Just. Some thoughts, I DO need to know its okay to leave if I need to... I know I already would have if I weren't pregnant... This is so much more complicated than I expected... It is hard to learn a new healthy mindset while in the midst of turmoil, but I'm trying everyday. Omega, you and Homemaker have really been a tremendous source of insight and support for me... I just wanted to thank you for reading my ramblings and helping me see how I can better myself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> I DO need to know its okay to leave if I need to... I know I already would have if I weren't pregnant...


I think this says a lot. It doesn't necessarily give you your answer, but it gives you a window into your reasons for staying. They aren't necessarily right or wrong reasons, of course.



> He is human, and not perfect and I don't expect him to be...


Does he cut you the same slack? Even when you're wearing pyjamas on your own couch? See what I'm getting at?

I wouldn't want you to talk yourself into settling for a situation that isn't "improvable" beyond maybe a few degrees. On the other hand, I don't want to minimize the "gravity" of the situation: marriage with a baby on the way. You've got a big decision to make, so make sure that you keep hold of that decision. Don't give it away to him or a MC.



> Omega, you and Homemaker have really been a tremendous source of insight and support for me... I just wanted to thank you for reading my ramblings and helping me see how I can better myself.


You're very welcome  . You've had quite a roller-coaster since the summer and you're facing challenges on several fronts, but I think you can safely stop questioning your sanity.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Names are not allowed in this house. Not even joking around, unless they are sweet names.

I know the feeling of being called out of name. It hurts. I hope you make it VERY CLEAR that it is not acceptable.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Yeah I have to agree with that_girl, although we do sometimes kid around with names. But meant in a serious or mean way? NEVER. Completely unacceptable on both sides.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

By "holding" his pills for him, you ARE the keeper and the controller. You've become the bad guy by default. 

I'd tell him that I am dumping the pills, or that he can have them back as long as he moves out with them. I'd tell him that I don't need the BS of being his keeper, instead of the partner that you thought you were going to be.


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