# How does a man behave after a good first date?



## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Can I please ask for some advice on this as I have been left feeling very confused after a first date. 

It has been 18 months since the end of LTR where I was lied to and cheated on and very badly hurt, and while I have "dated" a few people this is the first one I have felt "wow!" about and I admit my heart had become invested in this man.

We were chatting online for a long time. For reasons of us both working overseas on short term posts it took us forever to be in the country at the same time but we talked a lot...including video chatting.

We had our first date last week and I don't want to make a post that is 20 pages long to give every detail of our history - but we definitely had a few ups and downs before we met due to insecurity, feelings of pressure and jealousy. We worked through it though but I was amazingly nervous of course.

Anyway....the date went great. He did not wait until the end to kiss me, he started kissing me within 10 seconds of me arriving, then hugging me and that went on for around 10 minutes before anyone even spoke. There was just a lot of smiling, laughing, joking and we just kept looking at each other and grinning. He did not take his hands off me in some way the entire time, stroking my ears gently, kissing my forehead - affectionate for sure.

We didn't have sex (he wanted to I could tell but I wanted to wait and he was a perfect gentleman). He didn't want to go home and stayed very late, spooning, hugging, sharing jokes. He asked me when the soonest he could see me again was, I said 3 days later, we made a date and he went home.

He texted me when he got home, saying he could not wait for our next date, how lovely I was in person, and we said goodnight. In the morning he texted good morning...then he texted later in the afternoon to say he had been thinking of me since he woke up and we had a lot of conversation that day about our date, how we couldn't wait and all that.

Then the next day he turned extremely cold, total radio silence and behaved very strangely. I won't list all the detail to make it too long but I was left feeling completely confused, it made me attack him for behaving in such a way and he responded angrily. We are now not talking and the second date didn't happen.

I am not sure if either he:

a) Is playing me and had been all along
b) Is seeing someone else and saw her after me and liked her better?
c) Got jealous...because I was tagged on a night out with a handsome male friend the night after our date that I heard from other friends made us appear as a "couple"
d) Did not like me when he met me and this "big freeze" is a very cruel way of saying he does not want to see me again?

Either way, he refuses to explain, is very angry at me and is not being truthful or upfront or answering questions. I am so scared it is option D that I lack the confidence to be upfront an ask him to meet me to talk it through.

Do people exist who behave like this on a first date and then behave so strangely or do you think he has a good reason and does not want to say?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

From what you describe(touchy feely first date) and then possibly getting his feeling hurt from a post...I would move on. He appears to be clingy/needy.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think it is probably C.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Can I just ask, because I am quite naive in the ways men's minds work (I am used to them being more simply to understand)...is it perfectly possible for a man to spend hours kissing and hugging you, seeming very happy to be with you and doing all of these things if he is not really feeling it? I have heard "players" can do this and be very believable.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think it is probably C.


And therein lies the problem. Possessive already in a relationship that is not exclusive. Unless the OP stated otherwise the first date dude is already appearing very possessive. The touchy feeling first 10 min is creepy if you ask me.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

C

Good to go until he saw what looked like he was unspecial to you with your post. His delusion was shocked and crashed with the realization you have options and a life beyond his world

Your question should have been "How does an emotionally fragile man overreact when he sees a new woman he fancies hugging her handsome brother/brother figure/platonic friend on social media jumping to conclusions you are banging him while he is feeling deceived about your intentions and his importance to you?"

Deceit/misleading/leading on appearance at least. Hence the anger/hurt reaction.

You know the answer of course because you described it in your post. 

IF you want to save this thing with him, which most likely believe you should not, you could say, if your hurt because of the post of me with the handsome guy, please understand that is my cousin and it was his birthday and you can see how it would have hurt his feelings. Then apologize for being reckless with social media that can be misinterpreted.

If he responds then be cautious going forward as dude is a quite fragile/vulnerable. He could be one of those project men some of the ladies like to take on fixing him.

I'm not sure I would go there but it would be a shame if this is the sole bomb that blows up what could be true love. First fight came early. Understandable when someone is that fragile or overly invested emotionally. He feels cheated on in a way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MelissaJane said:


> Can I just ask, because I am quite naive in the ways men's minds work (I am used to them being more simply to understand)...is it perfectly possible for a man to spend hours kissing and hugging you, seeming very happy to be with you and doing all of these things if he is not really feeling it? I have heard "players" can do this and be very believable.


Yes

But keep in mind that all men are individuals. Some might do this. Some might not.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I don't really know what to do. I really like him, and I understand why he was jealous (if he was) because the man I was with is very attractive, we had dinner at a hotel, it was posted online and it was the night after out first date. Also people commented how much they loved the picture etc. includign the man himself who said "I love this photo of us".

I can see it doesn't look good...but it was 100% innocent, the man had his family members with us and he is an old ex boyfriend I have not been interested in for a long time.

If I believed it was jealousy motivated I would send him a note or a message or ask to see him and explain.

However I am too scared to do this because there seems a good chance he was just dumping me cruelly and did not like me at all on our date!

I know he is jealous and possessive, but he was also cheated on and I have given him some reason in the past to be concerned as when we first met and talked I was dating others. It's been hard for him, hard for me also because we grew intimate emotionally whilst we had never met and with us both having some insecurity I hoped in person all of this would finally be resolved.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

thread the needle said:


> C
> 
> Good to go until he saw what looked like he was unspecial to you with your post. His delusion was shocked and crashed with the realization you have options and a life beyond his world
> 
> ...



This is my exact worry. I am not 15 I am 34 and have had a lot of relationships (never online though!) and while I think it is very childish that he:

a) wont talk to me
b) hasnt told me what I have done
c) blocked me on Facebook??????

I can't help feeling there is a chance this person is true love, and I have been out with soooo many people and not felt that way. Ad I am imperfect also

Should I leave him and if he DOES like me he will contact?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> This is my exact worry. I am not 15 I am 34 and have had a lot of relationships (never online though!) and while I think it is very childish that he:
> 
> a) wont talk to me
> b) hasnt told me what I have done
> ...


If he has done the a,b, and c you describe... it is very childish because there was no discussion of exclusivity and he must realize that you are dating others. After all, it is dating. 

And still, the touchy clingy first 10 minutes to me appears very odd.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

It wasn't odd for me. On the basis we had spent four months talking via video, to be honest when i saw him in person it felt like we had been dating a long time and had missed each other. It felt nothing like a first date to me, so I presumed he felt the same. I could easily have curled up and slept on his lap that night it was that comfortable and easy between us.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> This is my exact worry. I am not 15 I am 34 and have had a lot of relationships (never online though!) and while I think it is very childish that he:
> 
> a) wont talk to me
> b) hasnt told me what I have done
> ...


I am a go for it type. If he does not like you so what? It wont kill you and you need to find out to move on or fix it. IF it might be true love, then make a complete fool of yourself like I would 

Others may disagree. Yes it is childish but he may be very very hurt and so what if it's childish. It's human. 

Mom has a saying. "Nothing ventured nothing gained" 

To be honest I think blowing this off and hoping he calls you when he doesn't know the background is also childish. Make amends. Fix things. Clear up misunderstandings. 

That's me for better or worse. Letting it all go into the dark is so not me. 

What is you?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> It wasn't odd for me. On the basis we had spent four months talking via video, to be honest when i saw him in person it felt like we had been dating a long time and had missed each other. It felt nothing like a first date to me, so I presumed he felt the same. I could easily have curled up and slept on his lap that night it was that comfortable and easy between us.


Then if that is the case you can always reach out to him and ask what you have done to receive the current treatment that you have.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

As I said in my OP, there is a history of ups and downs and that was ALWAYS my fault if I am fair about it. I blew hot and cold with him, I went on dates with other people, I was up and down and he was away and could not do very much but be patient. He did get pretty pissed off at some points.

In my defence I was scared because I was feeling emotions towards someone who could be doing anything with anyone, or who might hurt me, or who could be video chatting with other people in the same way, or who might have walked in, looked at me and thought I was not as attractive in person. 

I admit I am affected because ex LTR (fiance actually!) cheated on me with prostitutes for a year before I found out. 

Not all of this is him being possessive or insecure, I have helped create that and I know he is quite a jealous man.

I really do want to contact him. I feel like threadtheneedle has described and I want very badly to find the courage to take a chance and see. If he doesn't like me, I suppose I am no worse off.

I am not sure how to approach it. Of course while he refuses to talk to me it is difficult but he reads my texts and gives brief responses.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MelissaJane said:


> This is my exact worry. I am not 15 I am 34 and have had a lot of relationships (never online though!) and while I think it is very childish that he:
> 
> a) wont talk to me
> b) hasnt told me what I have done
> ...


If he is not talking to you and has blocked you on FB, then take the hint and move on - he is not the one for you and it doesn't matter why, you don't need an explanation he just isn't into you.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Well that's the other possibility


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> I blew hot and cold with him, I went on dates with other people, I was up and down and he was away and could not do very much but be patient.


From his perspective, it looks like more of the same with you going out on what could be perceived as another date. You have probably kept him on the yo-yo string for too long.

If you feel that this could be worth something, you are going to have to make a move.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Seems obvious he is upset with the pictures. He could be possessive or hurt because he misunderstood the pictures. 

I say if he hasn't shown an immature side up to this point give him a one time chance, call him and explain what was going on. If he calls you back great, if not then there's nothing left to be done except move along.

Truthfully if you aren't exclusive he has no place to be angry, a lot depends on what kind of electronic foreplay has been going on all these months. I would guess in his mind you are exclusive and then right after the first meet up and hours of kissy face there you are with some hot guy. 

Did you by chance tell him the reason you couldn't see him for three days was because of plans to go out with friends? Did you offer an invitation to him? I'm not saying you should have, but am curious as to what you told him was going on for three days that you couldn't see him. I would also guess after all this time video chatting he thought when you finally met you would set aside whatever days were available to see only him, so he sees you hanging with your friends and is jealous that you chose them over him.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> Then the next day he turned extremely cold, total radio silence and behaved very strangely. I won't list all the detail to make it too long but I was left feeling completely confused, *it made me attack him* for behaving in such a way and he responded angrily.


So, you had one date.

Two days later, he goes "radio silent", and "cold", and you "attack" him.

Do you have any idea why he went "radio silent"?

I mean, it couldn't possibly been because he was busy at work, with other life responsibilities, etc... and then you "attacked" him?

Gotta tell you... if a woman I had gone on one date with suddenly started "attacking" me... Especially if I were really busy with something else and couldn't respond to her needy text messages all day... See ya.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

We had clearly discussed that we were both not seeing any other people.

To make matters worse, the reason I could not see him for three days was that Iw as going away with work. He joked he would like to come, and I said "next time" because it really was a work weekend and I knew I would be working from 5am to midnight (I plan events). Then the night I got there, I had dinner with this guy, purely because we are friendly and I had not seen him for ages.

I can see...it looks bad. It was innocent.

Also, he was back for a few days before he saw me...he had time with friends and stuff too.

I can't call him, he won't answer. I have to send a message, so I will start drafting that now and I guess all I lose is a small shred of dignity if he has not done this out of jealousy. Of course...the co-incidence that this was after he first met me face to face is hard to ignore. He might have thought I was ugly or something.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MelissaJane said:


> I blew hot and cold with him, I went on dates with other people, I was up and down and he was away and could not do very much but be patient.


The guy was cheated on, if I understand correctly. You continuing to date other people and run hot and cold with him must be a terrible trigger. I suspect that he's come to the realization that that's just how you roll and that you'll always be non-committal, hot and cold, etc... Going on a date and posting it on social media the day after going on a date with him (with no posts on social media I imagine) must have just been the last straw that finally told him for certain that you're just not that into him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Too much wacko in there for this to be anything other than a life of drama to look forward to. You both sound slightly unhinged, having feelings for a person you chatted to for months before meeting is the first indication of unhingedness.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> So, you had one date.
> 
> Two days later, he goes "radio silent", and "cold", and you "attack" him.
> 
> ...


As I said in my OP I did not want to list it all in detail but I said it was more than just "radio silence". He went from texting 50 times the first day to zero, then he went out on the Saturday night and he blocked me on Facebook and sent me a text at 1am to say "I have deleted my account", which wasn't true, he had blocked me.

So if you went on a first date with a woman, texted her a lot right after, planned a second date and then you blocked her on facebook and lied about it...yes she would probably attack you because that is crazy making mixed signals :/

Im not a lunatic..but what he did was confusing and hurtful.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

MelissaJane said:


> As I said in my OP I did not want to list it all in detail but I said it was more than just "radio silence". He went from texting 50 times the first day to zero, then he went out on the Saturday night and he blocked me on Facebook and sent me a text at 1am to say "I have deleted my account", which wasn't true, he had blocked me.
> 
> So if you went on a first date with a woman, texted her a lot right after, planned a second date and then you blocked her on facebook and lied about it...yes she would probably attack you because that is crazy making mixed signals :/
> 
> Im not a lunatic..but what he did was confusing and hurtful.


Although confusing & hurtful, I think you dodged a bullet here. There is no need to speculate why he isn't talking to you or whatever. If he isn't adult enough to tell you what is bothering him then he isn't someone worth investing into. Cut your losses, block him on your phone, & act like you never met him. He's already done that to you, time to return the favor.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sadly you may never have your answers, he does seem immature that he would just go silent instead of asking "what's up with you and the dude photos", or whatever else the issue may be. 

The reality is it could be anything, but I don't think it was a lack of attraction, he would of went silent instantly if that was the case. Heck maybe he got a DUI or just found out his ex is pregnant, or met some chick in a bar and had sex so now feels guilty. I still say try once to contact him and clear the air, there's no loss of dignity doing that.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Okay, well I sent him a brief text and he replied nicely to me within seconds. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me, and he is much calmer and said "yes"...so I am just drafting a message. I am much to nervous to do over the phone. I do just want to lay myself out there and if I get blown out at least I know.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> We had clearly discussed that we were both not seeing any other people.


Just my $0.02. I think that since you stated what I quoted, and then he sees you had a date with a better looking man the next day, you clearly were lying (even though you say it wasn't a date, it is clear to me he sees it that way). If I had spent a lot of time in a LDR and then catch the woman lying right off the bat after the 1st date, I would probably drop her, too. 

It isn't that he was expecting exclusivity, it is just you claimed to not having anyone else. But, per facebook, you did.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> Okay, well I sent him a brief text and he replied nicely to me within seconds. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me, and he is much calmer and said "yes"...so I am just drafting a message. I am much to nervous to do over the phone. I do just want to lay myself out there and if I get blown out at least I know.


Ask to meet him for lunch or coffee or something. In person seems to be better for you?


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I will, but I do first need to send a message to make a start towards things. I definitely don't want to feel any more vulnerable and exposed than I already do. I'm actually feeling nauseated right now.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Are you sure about this? Seems an awful lot of dramarama following one single date. What's going to happen when you, you know, have an actual proper argument?

He sounds reactive and passive aggressive, you sound insensitive and unsure of what you actually want


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Oh boy ... here goes Facebook again causing trouble ....

So the question, is this how he will react every time things go wrong or are off with you, delete you from social media and ignore you? Not taking sides here as honestly something doesn't quite add up for me with all this, maybe you deserved it, IDK. Just sayin, you guys are bound to have ups and downs, would scare me knowing that the "downs" would garnish such a response ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> And therein lies the problem. Possessive already in a relationship that is not exclusive. Unless the OP stated otherwise the first date dude is already appearing very possessive. The touchy feeling first 10 min is creepy if you ask me.


I dunno about that.

If I connected with a girl I liked on a date, and then saw a post with her a few days later with another guy, I'd probably shrug and move on to more 'single' pastures.

I never felt good about dating a girl and going down a path that could lead to an LTR if she was also dating other guys. Casual, sure. LTR material, no.

It could actually mean he wants something more serious.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

MelissaJane said:


> As I said in my OP I did not want to list it all in detail but I said it was more than just "radio silence". He went from texting 50 times the first day to zero, then he went out on the Saturday night and he blocked me on Facebook and sent me a text at 1am to say "I have deleted my account", which wasn't true, he had blocked me.
> 
> So if you went on a first date with a woman, texted her a lot right after, planned a second date and then you blocked her on facebook and lied about it...yes she would probably attack you because that is crazy making mixed signals :/
> 
> Im not a lunatic..but what he did was confusing and hurtful.


I'm with JustTired. I think you dodged a bullet.

Getting jealous because you had dinner with someone? That's childish. he can't expect you not to have any friends other than him and if you do date him you probably soon won't have.

He could have sent you a simple "who was that" or "you didn't mention ....." but he didn't he went overboard by blocking you and giving you the silent treatment. You need to see that for the emotional control that it is, and cut all ties. 

Don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for. If anything you are the one that deserves the apology. Don't start excusing his behavior as rational because a previous girlfriend cheated because that's irrelevant. 

This isn't "true love" you've had one date and this looks like the start of something very bad. 

"Experience is what when you didn't get what you wanted". You gained experience now move on quickly before you start giving in to his drama.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> Are you sure about this? Seems an awful lot of dramarama following one single date. What's going to happen when you, you know, have an actual proper argument?
> 
> He sounds reactive and passive aggressive, you sound insensitive and unsure of what you actually want


:iagree:


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I have thought about that Dolly...and my answer was tht if we had an actual proper argument it would be in person not over text, which is impossible! I also thought maybe if things settled and we were both secure all this silly insecurity and jealousy would go. The situation has made us both feel vulnerable.

He has replied so far with a message to say he does want to see me.

I am not sure if he is being polite, but I send a follow up message to say a bit more and see what he says.

I do feel relieved, whatever the response is better than limbo and confusion. If he likes me, he will want to see me so hopefully this simplifies things.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Advice from a person who's experienced LDRs...it's very easy to overreact to a perceived change in a person's behaviour. Just remember it isn't always about you. If someone is quiet for a bit it could be for all sorts of reasons. Don't create expectations that can't possibly be fulfilled. And certainly don't attack someone for not being in much contact for a day. That just makes you appear crazy


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How did you meet him? Was it a dating website?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I might be completely off but here is my tuppence worth:



I think it is C - seeing you with an attractive guy where it appears you two were an item might have triggered this. He may also be thinking that you are sleeping with this guy and that is the reason you would not with him. Not sure if he knows this was an ex of yours (that would also contribute to this).


Your blowing hot and cold leading up to your actual date could have set the basis for this. He may not believe that you are as into him as he is into you. He pretty much wore his heart on his sleeve when he saw you and maybe, an illusion was shattered (in his mind).


If you did not respond with as much affection as he showed on the date, that too could have contributed. Maybe he even thought more about not getting to sleep with you and somehow surmised that you were not as much into him as he was into you.


He does sound very affectionate and possibly clingy and needy, which is not generally good but not a deal breaker for many - the complete opposite is often worse. However, it does sound you both would need to work on this should you get back together.

You need to address all of the above with him when you see him if you genuinely like him and think there is a chance (emotional fragility and all) of getting together with him.

On the other hand he could be playing you and trying to dump you (but I would be very surprised if that is the case based on what you have said so far).


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Sorry so many questions to answer.

@ Ellis, yes, this is a problem in my mind too.
@ Marduk, in fairness, if he had done the same the night after our date I might have gotten drunk and blocked him at midnight too. We're both fiery and jealous.
@ Wonky, I agree with everything you say...he should have just asked me.
@ Dolly...yes the LDR thing has been a problem, but x 1000 when you haven't met yet.
@ Second, yes it was.

So anyway, we texted for a bit. I told him that I liked him, cards on the table, and that I had been confused. I said if he liked me too then to please get into contact if and when he wanted to to talk it all over in person.

He replied that he was to blame, that he was sorry and please could we not be strangers. He said he missed me and he knew text messages was the easiest way to start a war of confusion and he knew his flaws and regretted that they had impacted me. He said he wanted to see me again if I did too. 

I am away on Wednesday for a few days and h asked me to call when I was back to sort the date out.

I am aware this does not really answer my questions at all really (he might still be dating someone else or not like me that much?)...but at least it gives me an opportunity to ask them face to face which is always better.

Thank you ALL of you for giving me the courage to just ask and be brave with this.

I do think even if he'd not replied to me at all, at least I would have had an answer!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Best of luck MJ, definitely post back here about how it goes.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

@ man from la mancha, yes he knew the man was my ex. The ex is very active on my Facebook page  I can see...it looked bad. He also knows this ex recently proposed to me and wnated me back. So combined he might have flipped a gasket.

I DEFINITELY have shown him how much I like him though...I spent time showing him that I wnated to make up for blowing hot and cold and I was also incredibly responsive and affectionate on the date. It was absolutely equal.

I am reserving a small part of me though that thinks he is playing me. He very obviously "has me" and I know that is every player's dream of course


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

marduk said:


> I dunno about that.
> 
> If I connected with a girl I liked on a date, and then saw a post with her a few days later with another guy, I'd probably shrug and move on to more 'single' pastures.
> 
> ...


Yes but would you text at 0100 and advised you deleted her as a friend on FP? Stop all communication without explanation? Too much drama thus far. Red flag to me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> @ man from la mancha, yes he knew the man was my ex. The ex is very active on my Facebook page  I can see...it looked bad. He also knows this ex recently proposed to me and wnated me back. So combined he might have flipped a gasket.
> 
> I DEFINITELY have shown him how much I like him though...I spent time showing him that I wnated to make up for blowing hot and cold and I was also incredibly responsive and affectionate on the date. It was absolutely equal.
> 
> I am reserving a small part of me though that thinks he is playing me. He very obviously "has me" and I know that is every player's dream of course


Wait, what?

Your ex is all over your FB page and actively persuing you, and you maintain a frendship with him?

That has trouble written all over it. For a lot of reasons.

If I were dating you I'd be running for the hills.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> @ man from la mancha, yes he knew the man was my ex. The ex is very active on my Facebook page  I can see...it looked bad. He also knows this ex recently proposed to me and wnated me back. So combined he might have flipped a gasket.
> 
> I DEFINITELY have shown him how much I like him though...I spent time showing him that I wnated to make up for blowing hot and cold and I was also incredibly responsive and affectionate on the date. It was absolutely equal.
> 
> I am reserving a small part of me though that thinks he is playing me. He very obviously "has me" and I know that is every player's dream of course


You really need to cut ties with this ex if you want this new guy, or any other guy, to feel secure with you.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> This is my exact worry. I am not 15 I am 34 and have had a lot of relationships (never online though!) and while I think it is very childish that he:
> 
> a) wont talk to me
> b) hasnt told me what I have done
> ...


This guy sounds like bad news. His behavior is very strange and confusing. Who knows what he's thinking? Maybe he's angry that you didn't sleep with him and is getting you back? Maybe he saw the picture of you and the other guy and decided if you're already dating someone else he's not interested in competing? I really don't know. All I know is that if he's THIS confusing after one date the next one would really be a mind fu*k. 

Yuck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes but would you text at 0100 and advised you deleted her as a friend on FP? Stop all communication without explanation? Too much drama thus far. Red flag to me.


After *one* date?

I'd see the her as quite the drama queen with her ex still in the picture, and maybe lying to me about being single at all, or seeing anyone else.

I've gone dark on many women for a lot less than that.

It was one bloody date. No explanations needed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> @ *man from la mancha, yes he knew the man was my ex. The ex is very active on my Facebook page  I can see...it looked bad. He also knows this ex recently proposed to me and wnated me back. So combined he might have flipped a gasket.*
> 
> I know that is every player's dream of course


This tidbit of information would have been nice. First it is a good looking guy you were having dinner with posted on FB. Next it is your X that the new guy knows is your X and posted on FB. 

Yeah...it looks bad. Now I see why the new date man shut you down. 

Sure your are not the player here? :scratchhead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

marduk said:


> After *one* date?
> 
> I'd see the her as quite the drama queen with her ex still in the picture, and maybe lying to me about being single at all, or seeing anyone else.
> 
> ...


Agreed. OP left out some pertinent info on the X.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Agreed. OP left out some pertinent info on the X.


Which betrays something a lot deeper.

The drama and posessiveness shoe is on the wrong foot, I think.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Yeah I'm not interested in someone who maintains an active relationship with their ex who is desperate to get them back, sorry. I'm not in a competition for someone's affections

If you don't cut ties with the ex a) ask yourself why you're not and b) don't expect any decent prospect to just let that sh*t go


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

marduk said:


> Which betrays something a lot deeper.
> 
> The drama and posessiveness shoe is on the wrong foot, I think.


:iagree:

What a tangled web we weave.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Dollystanford said:


> Yeah I'm not interested in someone who maintains an active relationship with their ex who is desperate to get them back, sorry. I'm not in a competition for someone's affections
> 
> If you don't cut ties with the ex a) ask yourself why you're not and b) don't expect any decent prospect to just let that sh*t go


Big Bingo! :smthumbup:


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Ok! Well, he knew everything about the ex, I was very honest (I am honest about everything and speak openly) and he had asked me why I had said "no" to the proposal and I explained I didn't love him or feel a connection so from the way I view the world...that would make me less jealous than it would if it were a handsome stranger. The man is my friend, and while I wish we lived in world where men and women could have that relationship and it be okay with everyone else I DO understand it would make a new lover upset.

However, like everyone keeps mentioning...I had not even MET him. I am not going to end relationships that mean something to me or drastically change my life until the point I am ACTUALLY dating someone, so after a first date it seemed excessive to me.

I will talk to him about it in detail and I like him enough to talk to my ex and say I am dating someone and we need to be much more distant. I am cool to do that, but we need to be dating first and talk like adults to sort it out.

I am not a player at all. I waited for this guy for months because I liked him so much. I really do like him, care for him and want to date him.

this is my first time dating anyone this jealous, so it's learning for me. He also has dinner with female friends by the way and is tagged and it didn't bother me. What bothered me more was dumb stuff like seeing him still clicking and logging onto the dating site. Everyone has diferrent buttons to push.

I've never lied to him about anything. He has lied to me though...blocking me on FB and pretending he;d deleted his account.

I can understand I have done wrong, but did not have that intention and my first instinct in all this was "he doesn't like me, he is dumping me", which shows how little confidence I had.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

(also, he hasnt even said this is the problem...I might meet him a and he might say "we were moving too fast, I wnated privacy on social media, or he might continue to deny blocking me because he is seeing someone else. I have no idea really yet! it's all guessing)


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> Ok! Well, he knew everything about the ex, I was very honest (I am honest about everything and speak openly) and he had asked me why I had said "no" to the proposal and I explained I didn't love him or feel a connection so from the way I view the world...that would make me less jealous than it would if it were a handsome stranger. The man is my friend, and while I wish we lived in world where men and women could have that relationship and it be okay with everyone else I DO understand it would make a new lover upset.
> 
> However, like everyone keeps mentioning...I had not even MET him. I am not going to end relationships that mean something to me or drastically change my life until the point I am ACTUALLY dating someone, so after a first date it seemed excessive to me.
> 
> ...


Not wanting to date someone that has their very attractive ex still actively in the picture isn't being jealous.

It's being pragmatic.

Your life is not currently arranged to support being open to an LTR, in my opinion. Simplify and clarify it romantically.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

But if that was the case Marduk, he could have said that. He's 38 years old. I am friends with all my exes except for one because I have had amicable break ups. He knows this about me. We all see things differently but for me if a man is friends with his ex I take that as a good thing...a good sign..that he is not a bad guy to date. I don't feel threatened by exes because they are exes for a reason.

Like I said though, if he has a problem with it, I will change it. We just have to talk and make changes to make sure both of us feel comfortable


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

MelissaJane said:


> However, like everyone keeps mentioning...I had not even MET him. I am not going to end relationships that mean something to me or drastically change my life until the point I am ACTUALLY dating someone, so after a first date it seemed excessive to me.


What I read is 'I'm not going to burn bridges with my hot ex who I know is still really into me until I find someone else to take his place and give me the attention and validation I need'

I'm not having a go at you - we all crave attention and validation. But ask yourself why you still have a relationship with this guy, and I mean really.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> But if that was the case Marduk, he could have said that. He's 38 years old. I am friends with all my exes except for one because I have had amicable break ups. He knows this about me. We all see things differently but for me if a man is friends with his ex I take that as a good thing...a good sign..that he is not a bad guy to date. I don't feel threatened by exes because they are exes for a reason.
> 
> Like I said though, if he has a problem with it, I will change it. We just have to talk and make changes to make sure both of us feel comfortable


Here's the thing.

Neither of you owe each other anything. It was one date. 

He could be a nice guy and tell you, but he doesn't have to.

It's great that you're not threatened by ex's. To me, it's not about being threatened though. It's about not wanting the drama of it all.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> *But if that was the case Marduk, he could have said that. He's 38 years old. * I am friends with all my exes except for one because I have had amicable break ups. He knows this about me. We all see things differently but for me if a man is friends with his ex I take that as a good thing...a good sign..that he is not a bad guy to date. I don't feel threatened by exes because they are exes for a reason.
> 
> Like I said though, if he has a problem with it, I will change it. We just have to talk and make changes to make sure both of us feel comfortable


You're right. So think about if you want to have a relationship with someone who handles problems that way.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Hi Dolly. Of course we all like attention, but what I want more than anything is to be in a meaningful relationship with a man I can't stop thinking about...so I would trade all that off any day of the week. If I had the truth and absolute facts now, I would act on it now.

The problem in my head, is that It is a very real possibility guys that this man wants me for sex, is a player, is seeing multiple people, and blocked me that night because he was tagged with another woman and didnt want to spoil his chances for sex. He might have even spent this weekend with her in a hotel somewhere.

Really...how do I know?

I can't go around bending over and changing every aspect of my life for someone I only know partly and he needs to participate in this process too.

I still find,jealous or not, the way he blocked me on Facebook suspicious...and reading that you all think jealousy is a motive is comforting and makes sense but it;s just guess work. I need him to say that before I know.

Some of these internet people can turn out to be total liars and freaks and I have kept a part of myself aside for that possibility


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> Hi Dolly. Of course we all like attention, but what I want more than anything is to be in a meaningful relationship with a man I can't stop thinking about...so I would trade all that off any day of the week. If I had the truth and absolute facts now, I would act on it now.
> 
> The problem in my head, is that It is a very real possibility guys that this man wants me for sex, is a player, is seeing multiple people, and blocked me that night because he was tagged with another woman and didnt want to spoil his chances for sex. He might have even spent this weekend with her in a hotel somewhere.
> 
> ...


Yes, the way he blocked you is not cool....it's either suspicious or immature, and hopefully you'll get your answer soon. Please keep us posted .


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I kind of feel like we both have to make a leap of trust and learn what we both want or need and if we fit together, but I can;t do that alone.

I can't be getting rid of male friends and cutting contact with exes who are a huge part of my life (and helped me hugely through my ex who cheated on me and were there for me to mop up the tears and drag me out of bed when I wanted to die) because I think someone I went on one date with MIGHT be uncomfortable with it.

He has to meet me halfway and talk about this and show real intent (adding me back on Facebook would be a good start) and have transparency and communication from now on.

Otherwise, regardless of chemistry and how much I like him he is going to make a bad boyfriend.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't think you should change any aspect of your life FOR a man you've had one date with. I think you need to change that aspect of your life for yourself


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Why though? I have exes that have been my close friends for 20 years? It's never been a problem before. If he was dating me I'd take him on dinners with them too. 

This one is a little diferrent because he's still in love with me, but for the most part I don't see the need to cut exes out of my life. They are meaningful to me. Doesn't mean I still have sex with them


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

The fact that he's still in love with you is the issue. Plenty of people are still friends with their exes and that's fine, but this guy wants more from you and it's probably kinder to him to cut ties. You can pick up the friendship later if he's over it but ask yourself if the reason you really want to keep him around is because you like his feelings for you. You may not want to act on them but you like the feeling that someone is in love with you

What that kind of says to me (as well as other things you've said) is that you are looking for and craving a loving, meaningful relationship. There is nothing wrong with that but I think it's helpful to take a step back from your past relationships and be absolutely confident in your ability to make yourself happy. Because otherwise you'll end up clinging on to things that aren't good for you in the hope that 'this one is true love'


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> Why though? I have exes that have been my close friends for 20 years? It's never been a problem before. If he was dating me I'd take him on dinners with them too.
> 
> *This one is a little diferrent because he's still in love with me*, but for the most part I don't see the need to cut exes out of my life. They are meaningful to me. Doesn't mean I still have sex with them


That's why. I've been there, I get it. But you have to say goodbye.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what I would do.

Walk away from this guy. Red flags all around. One date, no biggie, no loss.

But learn from it.

I seriously question why you need to be friends with all your ex's, and this one in particular. Why is that? Really?

Even if it will always and forever platonic, you will still be threading the needle on an extremely complex emotional landscape in your life. This is what I mean by 'drama.' Because every situation will be charged.

And it may not always and forever be platonic. For us guys that have been stung by having an LTR cheat on them, it can often be with ex's still in the picture. They're ready made affair partners, and great plan 'b' escape hatches with a very soft landing.

Reality is probably somewhere between those two for you, I suspect. Even if it's purely the former, were I in my mid to late 30's, I'd be looking for a lot simpler of a life.

Your life just isn't set up cleanly for an LTR in my opinion. And your headspace doesn't seem to be there, either.

Take some time. Examine your life and the people you have in it. Question honestly why they are there. Then move forward.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

You know, the funny part is, that dinner was with him and his sister and his dog. I was up there for work and due to my early start I had to stay over the night. I don't drive (medical reasons temporary) and his sister had me stay in her house and drove me out to my work place in the morning which was kind and saved me huge bucks on a hotel and a taxi for 25 miles.

Me and my ex ate dinner with them, then we walked the dog and had a long talk. We all watched a movie together and talked some more. I had told him about the online guy before, talked at length about him and we had a heart to heart and I told him this one was diferrent, and I REALLY liked him and wanted to be with him. My ex was supportive and told me he wanted me to be happy.

15 minutes later I got that text "I've left Facebook" and I was like..."huh?". I told my ex and we thought it was weird at 1am to do that, and so we checked on his account and this was how / when I discovered I had been blocked.

I had NO idea why, and I was crying and my ex gave me a hug. I was so embarrassed, so confused and felt a total idiot as I'd just been sitting there saying "I think this guy might be it".

So from my perspective it was all innocent, I was not playing two guys off. That's not me! 

If he was jealous, he definitely should have sent a text to say "why are you with him?" or whatever. Even an angry text. Anythign but blocking me and leaving me in the dark.

If he wasn't jealous...then he was probably out with another woman and hiding it, OR he was preparing to dump me and didn;t want backlash on his FB page.

Whatever it was...I definitely spent a week thinking it was the latter and the jealousy thing didn't occur to me until a friend called and asked if I was back together with my ex because his post made it look like we were on a romantic weekend away. Only then did my little stupid brain make a connection.

I might be very stupid, but I promise, not mean or cavalier with other people's feelings or emotions.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

And Dolly and Marduk...I'll take those constructive comments on board and really think them over. Dolly in particular, you speak a lot of sense and I clearly see maybe being so close to someone I know has feelings for me creates no space in my life for someone else.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> And Dolly and Marduk...I'll take those constructive comments on board and really think them over. Dolly in particular, you speak a lot of sense and I clearly see maybe being so close to someone I know has feelings for me creates no space in my life for someone else.


Let me try to explain further with a real life anecdote.

One of my wife's best friends is still very close friends with all of her ex's (except one that refuses to be and she's still hurt by that).

She meets a nice guy. They get married, have a few kids. And he simmers and stews because at every one of his family social events there will be a half dozen guys that have boned his wife.

He didn't worry in any way that she would cheat on him with these guys. What he did grow to learn is that he didn't feel respected by it. You know?

Plus, all these guys in her life, made a really complex space to navigate. And feelings would be heavy and deep, not like with friends you've never been in a relationship with. There was always baggage there.

He ended up flipping his lid on her, and now she's down to just one ex that she's very close to (inappropriately, imho, because he's been let in on all her marital secrets)...

And now she is resentful having to give up this flotilla of ex's (orbiters), and he's resentful that the ringleader is still in the game.

Just a crappy situation all round, and there's no winning now.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

@ Dolly also, I know why this ex is very special to me, and no, it;s not because he is in love with me and I like that. 

My e in the LTR who cheated on me was my Fiance. He was discovered purely by accident to have been sleeping prolifically with prostitutes behind my back for over a year. Among other things that were worse, and too long to type. 

This ex was the first person I dated a year after that. And he brought me back to life. So while I never loved him quit the same way, he has a place in my heart and always will. I know that relationship needs to change, I do understand he can't move on while we continue with such closeness and yes, mayeb there is a part of me that likes being loved.

After what my fiance did, I do have some gaps in my sense of being worth loving. This is selfish, I know, but I am only human.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Marduk, I never thought of it like that and when you put it in those terms...I can see your point completely. 

Thank you. What you have said will really change my perspective for the future and my sense of consideration for the others.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> @ Dolly also, I know why this ex is very special to me, and no, it;s not because he is in love with me and I like that.
> 
> My e in the LTR who cheated on me was my Fiance. He was discovered purely by accident to have been sleeping prolifically with prostitutes behind my back for over a year. Among other things that were worse, and too long to type.
> 
> ...


There are many (probably too many) women in this world that will have a special place in my heart.

It doesn't mean that I needed to have them in my life. 

In fact, it was kinda a sign that I wanted to settle down when they all weren't. To me, anyway.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Well, even if it doesn't work out with volatile internet man I will be very glad for starting this thread!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> Marduk, I never thought of it like that and when you put it in those terms...I can see your point completely.
> 
> Thank you. What you have said will really change my perspective for the future and my sense of consideration for the others.


Take it for what it's worth.

On the rare occasions when I run into one of my ex's... one of the first things that goes through my mind without even thinking about it is "I've had sex with you."

And on the rare occasions we run into one of my wife's ex's, the first thing through my mind is "you've had sex with my wife."

And the relationship is colored by that.

Now, one could argue a good case that I'm a jerk.

But I suspect I'm not the only guy that has this happen.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> Well, even if it doesn't work out with volatile internet man I will be very glad for starting this thread!


I don't think he's necessarily that volatile.

I just think the timing and headspace is off. For both of you.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

marduk said:


> Take it for what it's worth.
> 
> On the rare occasions when I run into one of my ex's... one of the first things that goes through my mind without even thinking about it is "I've had sex with you."
> 
> ...


I might sound SO dumb here but it literally never crossed my mind that when I am with an ex he's boned me. I suppose a guy's mind works that way.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> I might sound SO dumb here but it literally never crossed my mind that when I am with an ex he's boned me. I suppose a guy's mind works that way.


I don't claim to be all guys, but I would be surprised if I'm unique that way.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> I might sound SO dumb here but it literally never crossed my mind that when I am with an ex he's boned me. I suppose a guy's mind works that way.


I think you're naive, not dumb. You have excellent grammar, so you're obviously intelligent .


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Well I am quite intelligent with brainy stuff! I have a great job, really responsible, but my friends do call me Cinderella because I still believe in Santa and fairytales and yes...I am very naive and sometimes totally miss the obvious


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> Well I am quite intelligent with brainy stuff! I have a great job, really responsible, but my friends do call me Cinderella because I still believe in Santa and fairytales and yes...I am very naive and sometimes totally miss the obvious


My father in law is like that.

Until the day that I realized that his naiveté was quite convenient for him.

Because he didn't have to look at some uncomfortable things.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

No, my mind works that way too...it's why I'm not friends with my exes 

I mean there are a couple of exes that I still see v occasionally when we have reunions but have seen them like 3 or 4 times in 20 years. Otherwise, cut the cord completely


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Another guy perspective that the x's have to go. many of the good guys who want relationships have this as a red flag. If you ever said I love you to someone other than family and they are still in your life that's a huge question a mark and too much a gamble for me.

Keep this guy or not I promise you many good guys wanting a relationship will not accept this. The ones who do will have a bevy of thier own female x lovers in thier lives.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I promise you. It;s not intentional.

Example:

I have an app on my phone that tells me when someone tries to break into it. Today a message flasg up "INTRUDER ALERT", this person (link) tried to enter your phone today at 12:52 on 4th May but entered the passcode incorrectly twice. And I'm like "no way, who could do such a thing!" and I click the link and there a photo of me, looking confused.

I am kind of an innocent calamity and tend to believe everything everyone says.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Thanks Wolf


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I didn't read the middle of the thread but I think you've missed a very basic lesson about dating your one true love, there should be him and only him. In this you may have dodged a bullet however as he's a bit too childish for a long term relationship. Next time, be very careful at doing that sort of thing. If you would've felt hurt/ insecure with him doing that exact same thing, then you're doing the wrong thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MelissaJane said:


> Well I am quite intelligent with brainy stuff! I have a great job, really responsible, but my friends do call me Cinderella because I still believe in Santa and fairytales and yes...I am very naive and sometimes totally miss the obvious


But you can't be naive enough to realize you played right into your ex's plan to wiggle his way closer to your loins? He gave you emotional support "I only want you to be happy" while at the same time posted photos of you with him hoping that your online BF would see them - kind of like on Cheers, when Henri was trying to steal Woody's GF. Your ex fiance whom you are too chummy with is not a nice guy and is salivating with every second he spends in physical contact with you (hugging you are you were crying). Don't you have any female friends to set you straight on how men pursue you?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> I promise you. It;s not intentional.
> 
> Example:
> 
> ...


LOL!

Side note: I hope my 14 year old doesn't have this app on her phone......


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Don't know if this will help you but when Mrs.CuddleBug and I had our first date, I called her to meet me at the movie theater. She met me there, we watched the movie and she had to leave before the movie ended because she had to work. She told me later, that she felt really bad about it. I told her I was getting a haircut and this salon and if she wants to meet me there, great. I went to the salon, she wasn't there but when I was finished and went to pay, she was there waiting. We then went to her favorite restaurant, ate, talked and afterwards at her car, she gave me a passionate surprise kiss. After that we were dating, seeing each other as often as possible, almost to the point I felt it was too much. 6 months later, I asked her to marry me, surprise engagement ring, 6 months after that we were married and its now been 15+ years, with only 3.5 years left on our mortgage and we'll be semi retired in our early to mid 40's.

I wasn't mentally ready for marriage until 24. Then it just clicked, I was ready, buying stuff for us before we moved out together every weekend, so when we had our wedding shower, no one could really buy us anything. Mrs.CuddleBug was 19 when we dated and 20 when we married.

I never pushed her to go all the way. But there was lots of making out, watching tv and movies very late and she gave me oral and swallows every time. We waited 6 months of her being on birth control before going all the way just to be safe. Didn't bother me. First time, it was painful for her and we went slow. I was in her, and just waited and didn't move. She apologized but I was cool with that and totally understand. After the next few times of this, then it was fine.

Now when we were dating she did flirt and have guy friends and I didn't like that. But when we got serious, that stuff stopped and the rest is history.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Don't know if this will help you but when Mrs.CuddleBug and I had our first date, I called her to meet me at the movie theater. She met me there, we watched the movie and she had to leave before the movie ended because she had to work. She told me later, that she felt really bad about it. I told her I was getting a haircut and this salon and if she wants to meet me there, great. I went to the salon, she wasn't there but when I was finished and went to pay, she was there waiting. We then went to her favorite restaurant, ate, talked and afterwards at her car, she gave me a passionate surprise kiss. After that we were dating, seeing each other as often as possible, almost to the point I felt it was too much. 6 months later, I asked her to marry me, surprise engagement ring, 6 months after that we were married and its now been 15+ years, with only 3.5 years left on our mortgage and we'll be semi retired in our early to mid 40's.
> 
> I wasn't mentally ready for marriage until 24. Then it just clicked, I was ready, buying stuff for us before we moved out together every weekend, so when we had our wedding shower, no one could really buy us anything. Mrs.CuddleBug was 19 when we dated and 20 when we married.
> 
> ...


With all due respect, the fact that your wife has always swallowed has NOTHING to do with Melissa's issue. Nor does 99% of the rest of the story.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If I was dating someone online for a few months, and right after we finally have our first real life date she is out to dinner with her ex and flaunting it on Facebook? I'd be out.

Looks like you got a stay of execution. If you want this guy long term, he's gonna (reasonably) want you to cut off all ties with this other dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I think a few people maybe didn't read it all (and not suprised as it's very long) but on the back of the thread and support I did message him and he was very sorry and wants to see me again.

BUT

I started out with these options:

a) Is playing me and had been all along
b) Is seeing someone else and saw her after me and liked her better?
c) Got jealous...because I was tagged on a night out with a handsome male friend the night after our date that I heard from other friends made us appear as a "couple"
d) Did not like me when he met me and this "big freeze" is a very cruel way of saying he does not want to see me again?

And have only REALLY ruled out D so far.

Any one of those except C and he is an ass! So I'm keeping an open mind.

I am really glad I ruled out D though, because I genuinely believed it was D and it's a relief that it wasn't.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Lon said:


> But you can't be naive enough to realize you played right into your ex's plan to wiggle his way closer to your loins? He gave you emotional support "I only want you to be happy" while at the same time posted photos of you with him hoping that your online BF would see them - kind of like on Cheers, when Henri was trying to steal Woody's GF. Your ex fiance whom you are too chummy with is not a nice guy and is salivating with every second he spends in physical contact with you (hugging you are you were crying). Don't you have any female friends to set you straight on how men pursue you?


This. Old ex sabotaged the relationship. Knew exactly what he was doing. 

Whether this guy or any of the next guys you may date, this old ex needs to be out of your life. No self respecting man will put up with you having any kind of relationship with this guy. Call it jealousy if you want, but that's the reality.

EDIT: to answer your original question, I pick C. I think if he wasn't interested at all, he wouldn't have texted you lovey dovey for a day. It was another day later he went cold. After the Facebook post. Thus the reason for him blocking you. He didn't want to see that photo. Jealous? Maybe, but not unfounded. Concern or disrespected by the situation.

Now, a few days later, he has probably talked this situation over with friends. They probably advised him to hear what you have to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Just because you listed some potential reasons and have started to rule them out doesn't mean you have considered all possible reasons.

Two other possible reasons a guy freezes a girl out are a) she has done something to make him feel disrespected and he'd rather move on then work at it with her. Or b) he is leading a double life... Have you considered maybe he's married and has a family? It's easy for a cheater to hide this when most of the relationship is long distance or by correspondence only.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Lon yes. We have been long distance, but he's Facetimed me in a room with his cousin and his wife..they said hello and they'd hear lots about me. I also see his ex wife on his FB page and they interract about the kid. He's not married but might well be seeing someone else. However if he is...she is very new...like 2 - 3 weeks new.

3 weeks ago he amended his FB privacy settings so you can't see stuff other people tag him in. Or maybe he amended it so that I can't see them.

I do think I need to ask him to get these answers, but I am aware if it's not C then he is a liar anyway. Hopefully my gut will tell me


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I am CERTAIN he interracts with others off the dating site. Some are also his "friends" on FB. One of them I recognise from the dating site. However I also have 2 - 3 on my FB friends, but am not interested in them so I never jumped to any conclusions and took him at face value.

I always took the attitude anyway that if he was exploring numerous options, I;d hope he would meet me, like me best and we would move on from there like a normal couple. I never expected him to put all his eggs in one basket with someone he;d never met in person but it did make me jealous / wary and added to my hot / cold behavior.

Long distance is not easy as someone said.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Long distance is hard anyway, it's particularly hard if you don't communicate with each other, have to second guess or analyse every FB like or lack of text message for a clue as to whether he's suddenly gone off you in the last two hours and that's why he's not in contact

You have to be pretty emotionally healthy for it to stand any chance of working and even then it's easy to obsess. It's also easy to build something up in your mind that is not real. Be wary of that, caution is your friend in a situation like this. But caution is not the same as blowing hot and cold.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Personal said:


> Considering he wasn't talking to you, and blocked you on Facebook, plus all of the rest from his side and yours. I think it would be foolish to press on with this.
> 
> One date and enough drama to put some soapie's to shame, ought to tell you that this is not the kind of relationship anyone should look for.


I totally agree with this; however, I understand your need for wanting to know WHY.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MelissaJane said:


> I am CERTAIN he interracts with others off the dating site. Some are also his "friends" on FB. One of them I recognise from the dating site. However I also have 2 - 3 on my FB friends, but am not interested in them so I never jumped to any conclusions and took him at face value.
> 
> I always took the attitude anyway that if he was exploring numerous options, I;d hope he would meet me, like me best and we would move on from there like a normal couple. I never expected him to put all his eggs in one basket with someone he;d never met in person but it did make me jealous / wary and added to my hot / cold behavior.
> 
> Long distance is not easy as someone said.


I think it's fascinating that after one date you don't want him talking to other potential suitors and yet you're best friends with someone that you used to have sex with and who is in love with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

marduk said:


> I think it's fascinating that after one date you don't want him talking to other potential suitors and yet you're best friends with someone that you used to have sex with and who is in love with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's the saying "Keep your friends close and the ones who boned you closer" ...

Just scratching my head here at some of this...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

marduk said:


> Take it for what it's worth.
> 
> On the rare occasions when I run into one of my ex's... one of the first things that goes through my mind without even thinking about it is "I've had sex with you."
> 
> ...


This is exactly how I think as well.


I met my wife and we were married a year later. I was 28 at the time and we have been together for 29 years, we had and raised 4 children together.

Honestly my wife has never given me a reason to be jealous or insecure. For full disclosure we had a very difficult decade when I had some doubts, but only because we were so conflicted and distance, 4 teenagers, medical issues and employment issues became a perfect storm for our personalities, but we worked through it (Thanks TAM!) and I owned my need to step up lead more. Things are good now, last 2 in college, other two finishing their graduate degrees and starting careers. We can walk around in our underwear again, wink wink.

As far as OSF or EX's she always put our relationship first. I think my wife would tell you that I am not insecure, but really I think if she would have done half of what I have seen on this board with OSF I would appear to be crazy insecure.

I really admire how Marduk has handled his situation, it would have tore me up beyond repair.


I hope (and think) that he (Your internet friend) is looking for stability and security in the relationship, if you are compatible and committed then you should be able to move past this and deal and communicate in resolving future challenges.

MelissaJane,

One more thing. You default to self-doubt, its actually a little endearing to the white knight in a man, but its not square with the reality of most situations.

When someone has a meltdown (big or small, normal or extreme) it's almost always about THEM, repeat it's almost always about THEM. That's the place to look and deal with them in an understanding way.

Don't take it or make it personal until you actually identify something that is your genuine issue. Some personality/character flaw that yes you are responsible for.

And never for one of the unchangeable things in your life, you should never apologize or chide yourself for who you are. Don't let your desire for a meaningful relationship cause you to accept or recriminate yourself for a relationship that never can be a healthy one for you.

Remember "If you don't happen to like me pass me by".

BTW assuming he is not playing you, his early affection is about his need for acceptance, assurance, validation, things we all want from relationships, if this relationships lasts his happiness with be related to these. Your happiness matters too, make sure both people pull their weight in meeting each others needs. (Identifying, expressing and meeting them.)

That's how you can tell if the two of you are compatible and "get each other"

You have been cheated on (so has he), don't accept less then giving or receiving 60% from each person over the long haul, and don't carry the weight of more that for long without a very good reason. Decide now to advocate for yourself.
That is completely reasonable!!

You each deserves nothing less.

Take care!


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Decorum said:


> You default to self-doubt, its actually a little endearing to the white knight in a man, but its not square with the reality of most situations.
> 
> When someone has a meltdown (big or small, normal or extreme) it's almost always about THEM, repeat it's almost always about THEM. That's the place to look and deal with them in an understanding way.
> 
> ...


Thank you for some of the wisest advice, I was most in need of at this time in my life.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Also guys I appreciate all you are saying with regards exes. I have said I see your viewpoints and have taken that advice on board and I actually think you are right when I read it phrased the way you are phrasing it. I posted here for a bit of help understanding why this man acted like he did, but please don't think I'm too pig headed to listen to the other opinions given to me...sometimes you don't see your own behavior as it is unless someone gives you another perspective. I always saw it as a good thing I maintained these relationships and never really saw the bad side of it, but I have listened.

Whether for this guy or another, I'll be more considerate of things like this in future, and you're right...the ex who is in love with me needs some distance from me.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

And for what it's worth also, listening to you all talk to me and see his side etc. has really highlighted how simple it is in a few short hours to get a diferrent perspective, and to work through an issue.

What bothers me fundamentally is that I am doing it with you, strangers on the internet, rather than the person involved. I can't shake the feeling that if he is missing the ability to communicate at his age, he is probably always going to be missing that. I am listening to the men above typing, and they are emotionally intelligent and able to express thoughts and feelings and analysis. Can't help feeling a man like THAT is a better choice....?

I feel so much more relaxed and less stressed out and rejected. I do know that I may or may not have caused all of this but I have gotten on top of preventing that for the future and a lesson is learned.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One of the lessons you need to take away from this MelissaJane is the reality of "internet dating". The person on the other side of cyber space clicking away on their key board is never going to be as perfect as you may think. It's easy to get caught up in all the perceived similarities, all the gushy messages, all the shared dreams and past experiences, BUT...until you meet that person face to face and get a good sniff of them you have no clue as to what they are truly like, most times your fantasy will only disappoint. 

In this case I think both parties were disappointed, you because of his childish going silent approach, and him because of your lack of boundaries with old flames. 

Lesson learned? Use the internet to make initial contact, but never build an internet relationship.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I know I'm late to this party but...the two of you were NOT in a relationship OP. You talked online and then had ONE date. That does not a relationship make.

I'm concerned at how invested you are in this, after just one date. This man is virtually a stranger to you - if you only knew him online prior to your date, you DON'T really know him. You know the side of him that he wanted you to know.

The fact that the two of you had any issues at all, no matter what they were, before you even met in person is indicative of just how toxic this whole thing is.

Way too much drama...next him and move on. Next time you meet someone, do not get so invested so quickly, that's simply not healthy.

You've had one date, neither of you owe the other a darn thing.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I know I'm late to this party but...the two of you were NOT in a relationship OP. You talked online and then had ONE date. That does not a relationship make.
> 
> I'm concerned at how invested you are in this, after just one date. This man is virtually a stranger to you - if you only knew him online prior to your date, you DON'T really know him. You know the side of him that he wanted you to know.
> 
> ...


I agree. Plus, this might be a game for this guy. He meets women on the internet goes on one date with them and tries to sleep with them. If they don't have sex on the first date he cuts them off and moves on to the next girl. If they do put out they probably have a short shelf life anyway. Dating can be cruel.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Brigit said:


> I agree. Plus, this might be a game for this guy. He meets women on the internet goes on one date with them and tries to sleep with them. If they don't have sex on the first date he cuts them off and moves on to the next girl. If they do put out they probably have a short shelf life anyway. Dating can be cruel.


I really don't think so. 

If all he wanted was sex and got butt hurt he didn't get it he wouldn't have text her the next day like he did

Or if he is a player and just wanted sex he wouldn't have quit playing the game. Those player types never have just one they are hooking up with so its not as serious a rush to get a woman into bed as they think.

But what happend was They got hot and heavy and they he texted her all the next day telling her how he was into her and looking forward to the next date. Then immediately grew cold as a rock the day after so something happend between those two events.

My guess was he saw the thing on Facebook and decided to pull back. Or is now involved with someone else .

Granted not all guys are the same but people who have a quick turn like this usually have their reason for doing so right or wrong


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I was very distraught when I started this thread and I am much calmer now. The reason for that is probably just discussing it with people, but also it was key for me to know it was not that he had spent all that time getting to know me, seen me in person and been disgusted. You know? 

With my clear head on right now, I am feeling my "gut instincts" kick in.

I am getting pretty certain it is not C, and that he does not want a relationship with me. I can't quite put my finger on the exact reasons I feel this way but a few things are nagging away at me.

The first is that when he has been jealous before, he has openly said it. At no point in what's now 9 days of this has he mentioned being jealous.

Secondly...we have had conciliatory texting, "made friends" so to speak, arranged to date again and at no point has he conceded and admitted that he blocked me on facebook. He has intimated it, but not actually come clean with me. He has still stood by his lie that he has deleted his account.

For me, this is almost isolating on it's own as proof that he has no serious intentions to me. Does he expect us to date for years, have babies, get married and for me to never find out he has a Facebook account and lied about it?

I feel like if our "theory" here was true, he would say to me he was jealous and admit he blocked me in a rage. Continuing the farce signifies he only wants to see me without serious intention towards me.

I agree with Wolf...not convinced he just wants sex...but this is a man who works overseas 50% of the time. When he is away, he adds a LOT of women on Facebook - 5 - 10 on every trip. While he is away he is also adding other women in my general age bracket who live in the general geographical area. 

I am sensing this is a person who spends his life overseas, chatting online with women, flirting with women, and then does very little about it when he is actually home. 

The fact that he is playing me does not actually exclude the possibility he was ALSO jealous. What player would be pleased that he tied it with a girl for so many months, was rejected for sex and the next day she is with her ex? Ego blow?!

His messages to me are strange. I sense he does not want to lose my attention, or lose me as an option...but I also sense he is not thinking "this girl is worth fighting for", if that makes sense.

This is just my gut.

I think seeing him face to face is a good idea. I am not saying if he is dating others and has lied and done all sorts of things that this makes him the devil (we were not in a relationship) but it's also a situation where I feel in some ways he's disingenuous and if he chooses to continue with that....there's no point having contact.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I get a feeling that also the responses from the men here are coming from the mindset of GOOD men.

There is a good chance from the evidence this guy is a jack**s and all of this tantruming and jealousy has nothing to do with real affection or caring from me, but down the the fact that I am pretty hot and he wants to conquest me.

From his perspective it might well all be a game.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Or if he is a player and just wanted sex he wouldn't have quit playing the game.


What worries me wolf is that he hasn't quit playing the game.

He blocked me on FB and lied about it, never expected to get caught and when he was...instead of explaining and apologising or even discussing it...he ignored me for days until he sent me a rant about how childish I was and how dare I question him etc. 

When I reached out...he then said "sure, I want to see you again" and said ALL the right things...

My spider senses are massively tingling and I would love to know how to get an answer here on if this guy is genuine.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MelissaJane said:


> I get a feeling that also the responses from the men here are coming from the mindset of GOOD men.
> 
> There is a good chance from the evidence this guy is a jack**s and all of this tantruming and jealousy has nothing to do with real affection or caring from me, but down the the fact that I am pretty hot and he wants to conquest me.
> 
> From his perspective it might well all be a game.


I mean it's possible. But if it is that he sucks at being a player lol. You don't talk the panties off a woman by getting upset with her for seemingly no reason.

In any case follow your gut! always! If something feels off it generally is.

Welcome to dating lol


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MelissaJane said:


> What worries me wolf is that he hasn't quit playing the game.
> 
> He blocked me on FB and lied about it, never expected to get caught and when he was...instead of explaining and apologising or even discussing it...he ignored me for days until he sent me a rant about how childish I was and how dare I question him etc.
> 
> ...


MJ, it is pretty clear he is not genuine. Why not just move on?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I think seeing him face to face is a bad idea
The more I hear about the sheer amount of investment and drama there is in what has been one meeting and one date (!) the more concerning it is

You need to back away from the keyboard for a while


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

He is a pretty shabby version of a player if he is one.

I think I am definitely going to meet him. I'd like to ask these questions to someone's face no matter what after such a long time invested.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> He is a pretty shabby version of a player if he is one.
> 
> I think I am definitely going to meet him. I'd like to ask these questions to someone's face no matter what after such a long time invested.


I would just keep your ex at home for the meeting


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> I really don't think so.
> 
> If all he wanted was sex and got butt hurt he didn't get it he wouldn't have text her the next day like he did
> 
> ...


It's hard to say. If he was really into her my guess is that he would ask about the guy on Facebook before cutting her off.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I can't help agreeing there. Seems a bit off.

Even if he IS into me, he;s got pretty shabby relationship skills.

I did say yto him yesterday that I was tired of all the tantrums and getting into moods with me and that if he had a problem in future to ask me for a drink and talk about it and he said "ok".

the only way to know is to ask. So many things I like about him and he might be a diamond in the rough but he also might eb a total idiot.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

In any event, probably not good long term partner material. Certainly have your fun to you want, but make no plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

121 post! Wow, I have seen less drama at the end of 20 year marriages. OP I simply see no reason to waste any more energy on this guy, sure it's great to have some closure but it's not worth the time you are going to invest to get it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MelissaJane said:


> What worries me wolf is that he hasn't quit playing the game.
> 
> *He blocked me on FB and lied about it, never expected to get caught and when he was...instead of explaining and apologising or even discussing it...he ignored me for days until he sent me a rant about how childish I was and how dare I question him etc.*
> 
> ...


This bold part makes me wonder why you are still entertaining him and feel the need to meet him face to face. Just drop him, go cold and freeze him out like he did to you, except keep him freezed out and save all this energy for something positive in your life instead.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Lon said:


> This bold part makes me wonder why you are still entertaining him and feel the need to meet him face to face. Just drop him, go cold and freeze him out like he did to you, except keep him freezed out and save all this energy for something positive in your life instead.


:iagree:

You're wasting your time and energy on this man. Taking a nap would be more productive - at least you'd get some beauty sleep.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP why why why would you waste your precious time by giving this jerk one more iota of thought, let alone see him?

You had one date, that's IT. All the online chatting prior to meeting in real life COUNTS FOR NOTHING. You don't know him until you meet in person.

Just move on.


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