# Just Cheated on



## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

I'm new to this forum and writing for some advice about what to do as it is still very painful.

I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such as time away, communication, and difference on amount of sex per week; we had a very good marriage. I'm still in love with her and she states the same to me. I still have physcial attraction as well. There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week.

Three we ago, we were out at a pub crawl event with numerous people, many of which we had met that day. The last bar everyone was dancing but pretty harmless dancing in my mind. At the end of the night we ended back at someone house for food and hanging out. My wife was very drunk but in control of her actions and no blacking out. She basically followed a guy that she had talked with a little bit throughout the night to a back room. She disappeared for 5-10 min and I went back to look for her. In the back room the lights were off which I turned on and found them fumbling around in shock. Turns out she was making out with this guy (I did not see any of it), clothes all on, and nothing more than kissing occured.

There was a heated conversation between us the rest of that night, followed by my staying away from the house for 3 nights, separate beds for another 4 nights, and still little physical contact. We have seen a therapist for three sessions which has been helpful but three weeks into this I'm still in extreme pain. We are working through the book 'Getting Past the Affiar' which is also helpful. I still love her but I'm still embarassed, angry, shocked, lost trust, etc. If you knew her, this is someone you would never expect to do something. She is extremely upset that she did this and cried for 3 days after it happened. I still have images of her following him back and turning off the lights, upset she did this, angry that our marriage is forever changes. She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward.

I need any advice from others that have gone through this. I want to make it work but not sure that will be possible if I can't forgive and move forward. I still need the why's answered which she has not done just stating she doesn't know why it happened and blames being drunk. She will state that it never would have happened if she wasn't drunk and "I don't know why I did it." She also stated that she got butterflies when it happened and didn't think of me or want to hurt me. I don't know where else to go, what to do, how to make the images go away, how to stop blaming myself for not stopping it and letting her drink that much. Feeling that I should get even to make me feel better, getting a lawyer and separating (I will get taken to the cleaners given she is a stay at home Mom). I feel that she is moving on but I just can't do it yet. We had sex once since and it was just terrible when previously it very very good. There are others out there that would love to be with me and would be faithful but there are kids involved. Would love any thoughts, resources, books, etc.

Thank for any help!


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Talking about it upsets her? Oh. Apologize to her that your pain and turmoil is so inconvenient for her.

You would never expect her to do something like this.. Of course you wouldn't. I was the last person on this planet to make some stranger a doormat and become an OM as well. Some 8-9 years ago.

Before listening to any advice, please listen to your gut, and think what would happen if you didn't go looking for her and turn on the light. You know her better than us TAM folks, so you have to make up your own mind.

But please know that she isn't upset because she kissed another guy.

She is upset because she got caught.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

i am so sorry that you are here. I know this pain and have been there (clearly since I am here on the site too). 

try talking again without accusing or losing your temper. you need to understand if there truly is something missing in her mind and work together to fix this. there is a TON of experience on this site and I am sure you will get past this pain.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You cannot let her sweep it under the rug. What the heck made her go into a back room with another guy right in front of you? It doesn't matter if nothing more than kissing and groping happened; if you hadn't turned on the lights, it would have been full on intercourse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The good news is you are now aware of your wifes lack of boundaries.

The bad news is you are now aware of the lack of respect your wife has for you.

Don't use this drunken event to sweep this under the rug. The alcohol just presented a situation that was going to happened sooner or later.....remember lack of boundaries for her self and lack of respect for you.....remember???


So now that I have addressed these two specific issue your wife has, you have to ask your self what you wife is going to do to #1 address her own issues of not having boundaries and # 2 why she doesn't;t respect you as her husband?

My I suggest that before you make any decisions you look at your wife and see what decisions she is making to affair proof her marriage.

You can excuse this at drunken behavior but I have a feeling I will hear from you again in a few years with the same issue at hand.


So what your wife does to affair proof her marriage is directly related to how you should handle this..........cuz if she swept this under the rug then I would run like hell, put if she owns this and wants to talk and address the deeper issue which is her boundary issues and lack of respect then you have something to work on.


In short if she wants to never talk about this again....then run and run fast and get out of a respect-less and boundaries-less marriage before you are raising some other man child!

I gues what I'm asking is what did you do wrong, were you are the one that has to change?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I wonder if shes done this before. People don't just start out of the blue. She's rug sweeping. If she wants to work it out she follows your rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Have you established that this is an isolated incident - have you looked through past history, emails, phone logs, and text messages. ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She doesn't want to talk about it? Oh. That's a pity.

Can I suggest that she undergoes counselling to help her understand how and why this happened and how she can ensure it never happens again?

Also, please be aware this might be the first time she did this, or the first time she got caught.

You can get past this horrible event, but there needs to be honest and open communications between you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> i am so sorry that you are here. I know this pain and have been there (clearly since I am here on the site too).
> 
> try talking again without accusing or losing your temper. you need to understand if there truly is something missing in her mind and work together to fix this. there is a TON of experience on this site and I am sure you will get past this pain.


Try talking to her *with* losing your temper and go as far as asking her to leave the home.

A Tactic that will show her that you will not share your wife with another man!

A Statement that tells her that changes need to be made and you will not tolerate any blame shifting from her and that the vows you took 12 years ago are serious.


I regress you need to be calm but firm. She needs to see a confident man....girls like confident men just like the guy she was kissing....he had the confidence to make out with a married women.... your wife had the confidence that your would get over it....prove her wrong and show her that her lack of boundaries and disrespect must be addressed is she wants to keep you around.

See my man, so many women think that its up to the man to keep the women around, show her different by showing that it takes mutual respect and individual boundaries that make for a healthy relationship. Your is not healthy so get to the bottom of it and show her you can let her go if she continues to behave this way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

H&C92, look at it this way......she can do what ever she wants and deal with the out come.

You as an individual want something out of a healthy marriage so she needs to make a choice cuz it appears you and your wife have a completely different out look in what a committed relationship is.

This tactic will prevent you from being the controling husband but in the same breath not tolorating her behavior.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

mack25 said:


> I'm new to this forum and writing for some advice about what to do as it is still very painful.
> 
> I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such as time away, communication, and difference on amount of sex per week; we had a very good marriage. I'm still in love with her and she states the same to me. I still have physcial attraction as well. There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week.
> 
> ...


It probably would not have happened if your wife were not drunk. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and clouds judgement. That's why we make such bad decisions when we're drunk. Your wife found this guy attractive and interesting. Chances are there are hundreds of guys your wife has found attractive and interesting since you've been married (same with you for other women), but she has never acted on it before, realized it would lead nowhere, and wasn't worth the risk (same as you with other women).

On this particular night, she and this guy were flirting with each other throughout the night, the chance arose and, on impulse and without thinking through the consequences, under impaired judgement, she made the decision to go for it with this guy.

Good thing you caught it when you did, it could have - and would have - been much worse in just a few more minutes.

What your wife did was unacceptable. She has to give up alcohol and be extra vigilant in assuaging your fears whenever you go out. Probably she'll have to let you know when she goes to the restroom without you, or maybe you'll want to follow her there. A tough way to live, but it should get better as she rebuilds trust. If she can't keep her vows while drunk, she just can't get drunk again. She should just give up alcohol completely.

I'm assuming this is just some stranger who she only met for the first (and last) time earlier that night.

You did well by separating from her right away; it lets her know how serious this is.

Now, she has to agree to talk about it with you to help you get over it. She does know why it happened, as do we all here - the butterflies was an "infatuation" feeling. Thank God they didn't have time to develop an emotional relationship and you caught it before there was any sex.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Good job at keeping your eyes open and then having the brass to find out immediately what was going on. You wouldn't believe what is heard on this forum under similar circumstances. 

She needs to greatly curtail the booze. 1 - 2 glasses of wine is enough (or maybe too much - depending) - don't you think?

She doesn't know why she did it? Well, in that case, whats to prevent her from doing it again? She needs to recognize the circumstances that led to the decision. (it wasn't a mistake!)

How long did she know the kissee? Is he married? Was his wife/gf there? What did he have to say? Is he a player? 

Are you likely to associate with the people at the event in future due to work or social obligations? 

Keep your cool! Stay under control - don't berate her but don't relent on determining if there was/is anything else going on.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

I want to be clear...women DO like assertive and strong men but in a situation like this one, a level head will work better. She DOES need to see the error of her ways and it was/is wrong. She is really only sorry she got caught. (They always are...) But like the others, I question why she thought leaving with a man at a party with you there was a good idea? She is either really bold or really stupid. (maybe both)

you will never really know if she has done this before but you will have to trust your gut and Go with your heart. BUT she needs to know that this type of stuff is not your thing and WILL NOT be tolerated. 

Some people are just really lost. i dont understand why people cheat. if they were not happy why not just talk about it. This is your spouse...if you cant talk to your spouse who can you talk to....I really despise cheaters...


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## xftcyrpz (Apr 6, 2013)

It doesn't matter if nothing more than kissing and groping happened


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You have done a good job so far, Keep it up.

She does know why and she must help you or it will never end.

Check her facebook and phone tomorrow. Have her give it to you and ask if there is something you should know.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Good job at keeping your eyes open and then having the brass to find out immediately what was going on. You wouldn't believe what is heard on this forum under similar circumstances.
> 
> How long did she know the kissee? Is he married? Was his wife/gf there? What did he have to say? Is he a player?
> 
> Keep your cool! Stay under control - don't berate her but don't relent on determining if there was/is anything else going on.


She honestly knew him for about 2 hours, he lives in Canada so we will never see or hear from him again. She doesn't even know his name.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Mack, think it through. Your wife was very attracted to the guy for whatever reason. Alcohol lowered her inhibitions perhaps, but she wasn't falling down drunk and she knew what she was doing. To have the boldness to undertake adultery while you were in the same house indicates a level of comfort in cuckolding you that should be very disturbing. After all, what are the real odds that you broke up her very first attempt at adultery?

Polygraph


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

mack25 said:


> We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week.
> 
> She basically followed a guy that she had talked with a little bit throughout the night to a back room.
> 
> ...


I can't help but feel that maybe this has something to do with it. What do you think?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mack25 said:


> She honestly knew him for about 2 hours, he lives in Canada so we will never see or hear from him again. She doesn't even know his name.


Yikes gunga din! It only took about two hours and a few drinks for this dude to come this " close to seperate your wife from her skivvies with you so close? 

You reacted well. The feeling of having fluttering butterflies was rapidly replaced by a bowling ball-in-the-pit of her stomach feeling and dispair in her chest. Your reaction will help in associating negative thoughts whenever she recalls the butterflies. That feeling is unlikely to elicit secretive fond memories.

Don't overreact. But several very serious and honest conversations (not inquisitions) need to be held in a calm atmosphere free of tension.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a capacity that she has that must be adressed.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

mack25 said:


> My wife was very drunk but in control of her actions


Being very drunk but in control of your actions is inconsistent with reality, at least for the vast majority. What is proven by all this? You may be able to trust her sober, but you can never trust her if she is drunk. Like they say, "candy is dandy but liquor is quicker".
If this incident is all you have, she may deserve only a stern warning and you may have to write it off as a spot on your relationship. (kinda like having a "cherry" car and someone put a dingy in the door. Its still your baby, but it ain't quite the same)
On the other hand, she being now aware of her lack of discipline when she drunk, if she doesn't control her binge drinking and continues to act a fool at such events, you have a bigger problem.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mack25 said:


> She honestly knew him for about 2 hours, he lives in Canada so we will never see or hear from him again. She doesn't even know his name.



Well, that's not good. She's that easy?!?

Do you know if they had chatted, say, on facebook? Or, knew/met him through some other people?

Begs the question why the other man (OM) didn't know you two were together?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Also, begs the question if she had done this before? Cant be the first time she was drunk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

aug said:


> Well, that's not good. She's that easy?!?
> 
> Do you know if they had chatted, say, on facebook? Or, knew/met him through some other people?
> 
> Begs the question why the other man (OM) didn't know you two were together?


And you make "easy" a bad thing?LOL

Seriously, OP may be a lucky man as long as his chick is just as easy with OM as she is with OP..

This vampire took advantage and WW let it happen, its all about her capacity in general not he specific event.

why is she sabotaging her marriage?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

aug said:


> Well, that's not good. She's that easy?!?
> 
> Do you know if they had chatted, say, on facebook? Or, knew/met him through some other people?
> 
> Begs the question why the other man (OM) didn't know you two were together?


:iagree:

I have to shake my head sadly, that was very very bold of her intending to bang an OM while her husband was in the same house. That's the ultimate in disrespect. If mack25 hadn't walked in on them....it most certainly would have gone all the way. 

Do NOT allow her to sweep this under the rug mack25. If she was willing to do this while you were in the same house, then you have the right to wonder if this is the first time. 

Has she gone on Girls Night Outs (GNOs)?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have to shake my head sadly, that was very very bold of her intending to bang an OM while her husband was in the same house. That's the ultimate in disrespect. If mack25 hadn't walked in on them....it most certainly would have gone all the way.
> 
> ...


Sorry, polygraph time no way around it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She pursued another man while you were looking. She pursued him in front of you and cheated on you. And you don't know the extent of the betrayal. (She confessed to making out because that is the least she could sell you.). She would have went all the way if you haven't found them. Were you lucky ?

If you haven't realized yet, your wife does not respect you nor does she find you attractive. She takes you for granted. She takes what you do for granted. Time to work on yourself


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She also stated that she got butterflies when it happened and didn't think of me or want to hurt me.

Be careful of such people


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'll chime in and agree with a lot of what other posters have said.

No Respect

Let's be totally frank, as human beings we can be attracted to other people even though we're in relationships. But there's a line you never cross and you'll know it, type of eye contact, touching, suggestive conversation and gradual escalation of flirtiness. You extricate yourself from that situation or you make it clear by toning it down out of respect for your partner.

What's concerning is that she did it there right in front of you..and she knew what she was doing and she knew you would know what she was doing but she still did it. Whether she was somehow getting her own back at you for some misconceived reason or simply trying to get a reaction out of you, she still had the gall to follow through with it. 

You mentioned others wanting to be with you..what does that mean? What type of interactions do you have with other women and does your wife see this, somehow feeling slighted? Maybe this is her way of shouting "look men want me too", because her actions seem a tad aggressive.

Whatever the case, you definitely need to talk about this, opening up every ugly crevice to let that truth come out as to why she did it, otherwise it will always hang over your heads and you'll forever wonder what she's up to when she's out.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> I still have images of her following him back and turning off the lights, upset she did this, angry that our marriage is forever changes. She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward.
> 
> I still need the why's answered which she has not done just stating she doesn't know why it happened and blames being drunk. She will state that it never would have happened if she wasn't drunk and "I don't know why I did it."


She knows why it happened, just like you know it isn't your fault. Let's pretend it was about "alleged" problems in your marriage. She did this WHILE YOU WERE PRESENT, not on a girl's night out or bar hopping by herself. Blaming it on drinking and not wanting to talk about it is extremely selfish and it needs to be addressed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

xftcyrpz said:


> It doesn't matter if nothing more than kissing and groping happened


Are you saying it is perfectly OK for this level of cheating to occur?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Yikes gunga din! It only took about two hours and a few drinks for this dude to come this " close to seperate your wife from her skivvies with you so close?
> 
> You reacted well. The feeling of having fluttering butterflies was rapidly replaced by a bowling ball-in-the-pit of her stomach feeling and dispair in her chest. Your reaction will help in associating negative thoughts whenever she recalls the butterflies. That feeling is unlikely to elicit secretive fond memories.
> 
> Don't overreact. But several very serious and honest conversations (not inquisitions) need to be held in a calm atmosphere free of tension.


This is sounding a _tiny bit_ like what happened to Tears. So, perhaps it was a first time event?

If so, counselling is a must, IMO.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to try and work this out, you are going to have to investigate the past or just go have her polygraphed without warning. The way to find a polygrapher is to find out who local law enforcement uses.

Otherwise, you need to check cell, text, emaill facebook, etc. records. Beware of fake names and hidden accts. Hide a var under the drivers seat of her car and somewhere in the house where she is likely to use her phone.

Hopefully you will find nothing but this seems so bold as to not be outside her comfort zone. Only medical workers and teachers outgun SAHMs for topgun in infidelity.

You can't forgive and move on without knowing what is going on.

How did she end up in the room alone. Does she admit she knew that was what they went back there for? Did they sneak off together or meet up?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, you need to get the two books below in my signature as soon as humanly possible. Good luck


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mack,

Wives who can just follow some strange guy they just met into a strange bedroom while their husband is on the same premises are wives who have done this before man.

She's not a newbie to infidelity in some aspect or another.

You need to check out what she's been doing in the past.
Any instances where you were suspicious about anything?
Anything now make more sense to you?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Mack,
> 
> Wives who can just follow some strange guy they just met into a strange bedroom while their husband is on the same premises are wives who have done this before man.
> 
> ...


I agree here. This behavior is not normal.

Think of it this way: would you, at whatever stage of inebriation, grab another man's wife and head off for the bedroom? Especially while her husband was at the party?

My guess is it would NEVER occur to you do to that. So something is definitely going on there.

My wife, around the time of her EA nonsense, started getting a lot of attention from several other men she DIDN'T reciprocate or have interest in. She had her sights on just one, but all the sharks seemed to have the scent and were closing in at the same time. Men just don't typically zero in on a married woman without some sign that she is open to it.

She is giving off some signals that she's receptive (and certainly proved she was in your case). Her signals were strong enough for the guy to risk bodily injury or worse because the husband was IN THE ROOM. She had to have made it more than okay for him to risk this. 

So sorry you are here - start working backward from here on her computer and phone. This wasn't the first time.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This was a very bold move by your wife. It seems hard to imagine that this would be a first time even for a wife to make out with a strange man while her husband is in the next room in a bar. This can only mean:
1. She has done these type of things previously or
2. It was so blatant that she probably would have screwed him if you had not walked in and simply did not care if you walked in anyway.

This is so out of whack that there is something a lot greater going on with your wife. I have a hunch this was not her first time. It just does not make sense.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife is either as brazen as they get---or thinks your dumber than a rock---forget the butterfly BS----she knew what she was doing-----if she was with you, why did you not check to see where she was going---as she walked out behind her lover to be

But lets really get down and dirty----lets put your 3 kids in the mix---what kind of mother---risks her 3 kids for a guy she knew for only 2 hours----your wife knew what she was doing---she is not a naïve 9 yr old

If you do stay=--all of this under the rug crap---DOES NOT HAPPEN-----this gets discussed and gone over, a THOUSAND TIMES IF NECESSARY

You had better dig way down, and really find out what kind of a woman it is that you are calling your wife---cuz she ain't what she seems to be


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

aug said:


> Well, that's not good. She's that easy?!?
> 
> Do you know if they had chatted, say, on facebook? Or, knew/met him through some other people?
> 
> Begs the question why the other man (OM) didn't know you two were together?


He knew we were married and that she was ver drunk and took advantage of the situation. That is why I clocked him.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Pretty ironic isn't it---the lover knew she was married---she somehow forgot that little fact


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Whatever the "why" behind this mess, there is more to the story. I agree that, even in an inebriated state, a married woman does not go into a back room to make out with another man with her husband just a few rooms over. That's not normal.

What are the possible explanations for this abnormal behavior?

1. This isn't the first time. She has strayed - in some way or another at some time or another - before. She was thus conditioned for such bold, reckless behavior.

2. She wants you to see that men want her. Someone above discussed this possibility - particularly since you mentioned that you could easily move on find other faithful women. Do you flirt a lot with other women? Have you ever given her reason to not trust you? Could she be jealous of your interactions with other women.

3. She was really drunk, and in a weak mental state (i.e. going through a depression, desperate for validation, wanting to seriously shake up her life). This is again only a partial explanation. Just to be clear with all details, does she suffer any mental disorders?

What I am getting at is that the information you are providing alone does not explain this. I do think it's crucial to get down to the "why" behind this affair in order to know what you are dealing with and to affair-proof your marriage.

If she is remorseful, she will allow you to talk and question. She will feel desperate to make it up to you. If that is not the case, I'd be worried. 

Keep sharing details. This might gradually all make more sense. Best of luck to you. You've already done a GREAT job reacting to this mess - much better than sooooo many we have seen and are currently seeing on TAM.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

mack25 said:


> He knew we were married and that she was ver drunk and took advantage of the situation. That is why I clocked him.


Was she mad at you when you clocked him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If she truly only knew the guy for 2 hours, and was basically for want of another word mesmerized---why would she care what happened to him

Who cares anyway------Mack---has to deal with a woman who for whatever reason---was quickly headed outside of the mge, and probably about to spread her legs for a complete stranger, who SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT-----He might have been a crazy, have had STD---she didn't seem to care

The above is what Mack---had better get to the bottom of----WHY, would she blow up everything, and be so brazen about it---right there in front of her H.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jim123 said:


> Was she mad you clocked him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is very important. Can you remember exactly how she reacted to your clocking him? Freaked out, shock, smile ? did she try to defend him or you? Try to break it up?

Then what did she do after you got her out of there?

I have seen people do really, really stupid stuff when drinking they normally would not consider ever doing. One example is mean drunks. People that are normalyy wonderful people turn brutally mean when drinking. I have known peaceful guys that always managed to find a fight when drinking. Just sayin'. That does not give them an excuse. 

Have you bought the two books below yet?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jnj express said:


> If she truly only knew the guy for 2 hours, and was basically for want of another word mesmerized---why would she care what happened to him


Paying attention to her reaction will tell you if he really was a stranger or not.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mack25 said:


> He knew we were married and that she was ver drunk and took advantage of the situation. That is why I clocked him.


He was sober?


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

chapparal said:


> This is very important. Can you remember exactly how she reacted to your clocking him? Freaked out, shock, smile ? did she try to defend him or you? Try to break it up?
> 
> Then what did she do after you got her out Just sayin'. That does not give them an excuse.
> 
> Have you bought the two books below yet?


She was not upset when I hit the bastard. She was outside crying and in shock. I have 0% fear she knew him before this night. She can be s mean drunk but only after numerous drinks. As for the guy, he was drunk as well. We continue to talk and she still can't answer 'why'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't know how she could do that with you being in the house and not expect to get caught. Was this a really bad way to try to get your attention?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

mack25 said:


> She was not upset when I hit the bastard. She was outside crying and in shock. I have 0% fear she knew him before this night. She can be s mean drunk but only after numerous drinks. As for the guy, he was drunk as well. We continue to talk and she still can't answer 'why'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get the books chapparal gave you the link for, that'll give you the answer. It's not a sex manual.......

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

mack25 said:


> She was not upset when I hit the bastard. She was outside crying and in shock. I have 0% fear she knew him before this night. She can be s mean drunk but only after numerous drinks. As for the guy, he was drunk as well. We continue to talk and she still can't answer 'why'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is fixable but she has to tell you why. It can not be fixed until you know what you are fixing. Keep going to IC and MC.

At some point you need to put it behind you. She broke it and she must fix it.

Check her phone and other things, not for this guy but a pattern.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

The woman will find out the "why" once polygraph is even mentioned, all right.

And quite quickly I suspect.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

mack25 said:


> She was not upset when I hit the bastard. She was outside crying and in shock. I have 0% fear she knew him before this night. She can be s mean drunk but only after numerous drinks. As for the guy, he was drunk as well. We continue to talk and *she still can't answer 'why'*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alcohol lowers inhibitions, increases libido, and impairs judgement.

She liked this guy's look and style, they made eye contact, smiled at each other, started talking, started flirting, complimenting each other, touching each other's arms while they talked. Maybe he pursued her, maybe she pursued him, but at some point it became mutual.

You must have noticed whenever you looked over to see what your wife was up to that this guy was somewhere close in her vicinity, it's just that you had complete trust in your wife, especially since you were so close by. As you went from pub to pub, this guy was always near her or she was always near him, depending how you look at it.

Finally at the house he takes her hand and leads her to the empty room, it may have been her who took the initiative, but I'm guessing it was him.

Her inhibitions were lowered, her libido was increased, and she had the opportunity and in a split second she took it (impaired judgement). A few minutes more and you would have seen this guy and your wife naked.

She had butterflies, it was exciting, she had been flirting with him and thinking about him all night, it felt good that she could keep him interested and he wanted her, she also wanted him, she wasn't thinking about getting caught or consequences, just the pleasurable feelings she desired and the sexual urges she wanted to satisfy.

She knew what she was doing was wrong, because she tried to hide it from you. She stupidly figured she wouldn't get caught (because her judgement was impaired).


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Yes and no----alcohol, or not---drunks know when NOT to drive------no matter what this woman was feeling, or being led into----she KNEW, what she was doing---and to be incredibly stupid to do it right in front of you---and yes stupid is the right word----drunk is not an excuse and not a reason----not controlling her own feelings, and emotions, and knowing the damage she was about to cause---I'll give you that


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Alcohol lowers inhibitions, increases libido, and impairs judgement.
> 
> She liked this guy's look and style, they made eye contact, smiled at each other, started talking, started flirting, complimenting each other, touching each other's arms while they talked. Maybe he pursued her, maybe she pursued him, but at some point it became mutual.
> 
> ...


I agree but drinking does not make you do what you do not want to do.

The fact she can do this needs to be addressed or it will continue and happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

In my younger days, I had a lot more success separating drunk girls from their clothes than sober ones.

Drunks are more likely to act on their desires, less likely to exhibit self control. They are less likely to make good decisions.

There is a reason that all of the wild crazy stuff that happened back in the day happened while drunk in a bar with members of the opposite, not sitting sober in a coffee shop.

I'm not saying it is an excuse. I am NOT saying it is OK for her to say, "I was drunk so it doesn't count."

She WANTED this guy. I'm not sure she would have acted on it if not for the alcohol.

Below are some fairly well-accepted facts:

Alcohol consumption has a number of effects on sexual intercourse and sexual behavior. The effects of alcohol are balanced between its suppressive effects on sexual physiology, which will decrease sexual activity, and its suppression of psychological inhibitions, which will increase the desire for sex.

Alcohol is a depressant. After consumption, alcohol causes the body’s systems to slow down. Often, feelings of drunkenness are associated with elation and happiness but other feelings of anger or depression can arise. Balance,* judgment*, and coordination are also *negatively affected*. One of the most significant side short term effects of alcohol is reduced inhibition. *Reduced inhibitions can lead to an increase in sexual behavior*.

*In many women, alcohol increases sexual arousal and desire*, although it does lower the physiological signs of arousal. Women have a different response to alcohol intoxication. Studies have shown that acute alcohol consumption tends to cause increased levels of testosterone and estradiol. Since testosterone controls in part the strength of libido in women, *this tends to cause an increase in interest in sex*. Also, because women have a higher percentage of body fat and less water in their bodies, alcohol can have a quicker, more severe impact. Women’s bodies take longer to process alcohol; more precisely, a woman's body often takes one-third longer to eliminate the substance.

Sexual behavior in women under the influence of alcohol is also different from men. Studies have shown that increased BAC is associated with longer orgasmic latencies and decreased intensity of orgasm. *Some women report a greater sexual arousal with increased alcohol consumption *as well as increased sensations of pleasure during orgasm. Because ejaculatory response is visual and can more easily be measured in males, orgasmic response must be measured more intimately. In studies of the female orgasm under the influence of alcohol, orgasmic latencies were measured using a vaginal photoplethysmograph, which essentially measures vaginal blood volume.

*Psychologically, alcohol has also played a role in sexual behavior. It has been reported that women who were intoxicated believed they were more sexually aroused than before consumption of alcohol*. This psychological effect contrasts with the physiological effects measured, but *refers back to the loss of inhibitions because of alcohol*. Often, *alcohol can influence the capacity for a woman to feel more relaxed and in turn, be more sexual. Alcohol may be considered by some women to be a sexual “disinhibitor”.*

*Alcohol intoxication is associated with an increased risk that people will become involved in risky sexual behaviours, such as unprotected sex*. It is unclear whether the two are linked or the personality types of people who often drink large amounts of alcohol are more tolerant of risk-taking.

Alcohol is linked to a large proportion of unwanted outcomes associated with sex such as date rape, unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

*"Beer goggles" is a slang term for the phenomenon in which consumption of alcohol lowers sexual inhibitions to the point that very little or no discretion is used when approaching or choosing sexual partners*. *The term is often humorously applied when an individual is observed making, or later regretting, advances towards a partner who would be deemed unattractive or inappropriate when sober*. The "beer goggles" are considered to have distorted the "wearer's" vision, making unattractive people appear beautiful, or at least passably attractive.

A study published in 2003 supported the beer goggles hypothesis; however, it also found that another explanation is that *regular drinkers tend to have personality traits that mean they find people more attractive, whether or not they are under the influence of alcohol at the time*. A 2009 study showed that while men found adult women (who were wearing makeup) more attractive after consuming alcohol, the alcohol did not interfere with their ability to determine a woman's age.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Yes and no----alcohol, or not---drunks know when NOT to drive------no matter what this woman was feeling, or being led into----she KNEW, what she was doing---and to be incredibly stupid to do it right in front of you---and yes stupid is the right word----drunk is not an excuse and not a reason----not controlling her own feelings, and emotions, and knowing the damage she was about to cause---I'll give you that


I dont know if it was stupidity. They/She know enough to go elsewhere to make out. 

It's the shock of getting caught that made her cry.

I think her behavior reflects poorly on her character.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She did this while you were there together. What happens two years from now, if your not there, she get's this drunk and...

Do you truly know that this is the first time she's done something like this? I know if I were you, I'd start wondering about any times that you two weren't together and there was drinking involved.

Remember, the booze didn't make her want to do this, she was contemplating cheating on you long before she got drunk. She just *probably* hasn't acted on it yet. When she got drunk enough, she acted on it. Even when you were physically close by.

This goes further back than the night this happened. These feelings don't just instantly materialize when someone's had too many rum cokes. It's taken time to for her get to where she was that night and you catching her didn't make her see the light. I'm sure she's upset, but that will wear off in time. Find out the whys, or this is probably going to happen again.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I can spend a lifetime contemplating on the reasons for people's drinking, drinking to such a point as they forget everything and do what "they wouldn't do while they're sober", as they say.

And frankly, and idiosyncratically, I'm sick.. no not sick, the word's somewhat harsh, "irked", shall we say, to "read" what alcohol does to a person.

Alcohol doesn't *do* it. The person *allows* it to happen, by consuming alcohol with the hope that it will prove to be some "excuse" afterwards. If you look closer, it comes up as an excuse. Everytime. Following with the line "it's no excuse, I know" "I'm not using alcohol as an excuse" "normally I'm an angel, alcohol makes my halo dimmer" "etc blah"

See for yourself, my fellow members: https://www.google.com.tr/#hl=tr&safe=off&output=search&sclient=psy-ab&q=site:talkaboutmarriage.com+alcohol+not+excuse&oq=site:talkaboutmarriage.com+alcohol+not+excuse&gs_l=hp.3...1766.14605.0.14915.47.45.1.1.1.0.410.5028.0j40j4-1.41.0...0.0...1c.1.8.psy-ab.Lg4OzEz-udM&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.44770516,d.Yms&fp=956dad35d196e5c0&biw=1919&bih=994 Google usage for the search, in case someone needs the method - type the following in the searchbox and press enter. (link above will go there directly)

site:talkaboutmarriage.com alcohol not excuse

You'll regret? Then don't drink. Reasonably or otherwise. Just don't get schitfaced. You need a drink? Grab a bottle and head home.

End of story.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear mack25,

Let me make some observations about what you've said so far and then give you a few things to think about.



mack25 said:


> I'm new to this forum and writing for some advice about what to do as it is still very painful.
> 
> I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such as time away, communication, and difference on amount of sex per week; *we had a very good marriage. [No, you don't have a "very good marriage." In a "very good marriage," a man's wife doesn't go off with a man she just met and start making out with him while her husband is in the other room. It's time to take the red pill, mack25, and start seeing things for what they really. Staying in a blue pill world will only lead to bigger problems and more heartache down the road.] *I'm still in love with her and she states the same to me. I still have physcial attraction as well. *There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. [You may be right but, a few weeks ago, you would have scoffed if someone told you that your wife would do what she did. Again, you need to start seeing things for what they are instead of pretending that they're the way you want them to be. Unless you know something to be true based on hard evidence, don't assume anything.]* We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week.
> 
> ...





mack25 said:


> She honestly knew him for about 2 hours, he lives in Canada so we will never see or hear from him again. *She doesn't even know his name. [This should be another red pill revelation for you. Your wife, the woman you thought you knew and who claims to love you was ready to have sex with a total stranger. You need to consider that before deciding what to do about this -- and you need to confront her with this fact and insist that she explain it.]*





mack25 said:


> *He knew we were married and that she was ver drunk and took advantage of the situation. [More blue pill thinking. Short of forcing himself on her, no man can "take advantage" of a woman unless she wants to be taken advantage of and has let him know one way or another that she does.]* *That is why I clocked him. [:smthumbup: There's definitely hope for you!]*


Now here are some facts you should have learned from what happened that night and how your wife has behaved since then:

1) You don't have the great marriage you thought you did.

2) Your wife is not the chaste woman you believed her to be.

3) Your wife has very little respect for you.

4) Your wife has shown very little remorse or concern about you.

5) You have trouble dealing with reality (too much blue pill thinking).

And here are some truths about men, woman and marriage that you need to reflect on before deciding what to do:

6) Self-respect is the most important attribute a man can have. Without it, he cannot really be called a "man."

7) Woman are attracted to men who demonstrate self-respect and repelled by men who don't.

8) Having self-respect means knowing what you want, believing that you are entitled to it and not settling for anything less.

9) Marital fidelity is the absolute minimum requirement for a woman to be considered a "good wife."

10) In the "game" of marriage, a man only holds one card -- his willingness and ability to end it if he doesn't get what he wants.

Now let's apply these facts and truths to your situation and see if they can help you find a path out of the emotional wilderness you find yourself in.

As you have realized, you will not get past this unless and until you understand why your wife did what she did. You need to tell her this clearly and firmly and let her know what the consequences will be if she continues to rug-sweep her behavior.

You must decide what else you need from your wife to make you willing to stay in the marriage for now. At a minimum, this should include no contact with the other man, no socializing with other men when you're not around and no secrecy in her communications with others.

You might also consider whether you need confirmation that this truly was the first such episode, in which case you will have to insist that she submit to a polygraph examination and may want to have your children DNA-tested.

Whatever you decide you need, you must make it absolutely clear that these are not optional and that, if she refuses, you are prepared end the marriage.

Assuming that she is cooperative and you decide to give her another chance, your need to up your game and start being the kind of man that earns your wife's respect. In this regard, I strongly urge you to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

Finally, if you find yourself on the road to reconciliation, you need to have some very open and frank conversations with your wife about her needs. Unless she has some serious psychiatric problems, her adulterous behavior -- while inexcusable -- indicates that you have not been giving her what _she_ needs. When reading your post, I couldn't help but wonder why it wasn't you who led her into a dark room for drunken sex. You should be asking yourself the same question.

Good luck.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Get a STD test for yourself.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Mack,
> 
> Wives who can just follow some strange guy they just met into a strange bedroom while their husband is on the same premises are wives who have done this before man.
> 
> ...


This seems correct to me. The vast majority of affairs go undetected, forever.
So, what are the odds you uncoverered her only foray? The boldness, alone, speaks volume re her comfort level with this type of thing.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear mack25,
> 
> Let me make some observations about what you've said so far and then give you a few things to think about.
> 
> ...


Wow... What he said.

Well Mack25, this post pretty much has it all. Great post btw C.O.! If you're not a "take charge" kinda guy, you need to be, starting right now. It's "red pill" time my friend. You know what your wife is capable of doing... Are you capable of telling her what needs to be done for her to stay married to you?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So then tell me---and lets have a good discussion about the following---we all know---that around 7 to 10 yrs in mge it gets boring, same old, same old-----

How do the spouses protect themselves from the boredom, that has set in??

I know that Mack thot he had a good mge, going, and who knows what his wife was thinking, but she was willing to toss it all away, in the blink of an eye----true Mack's situation may have been building all night in that his so called wife, was dancing, and flirting, with this guy---cuz I really can't believe that she only started her hook-up at the after party-----one also has to throw in the kids---what mother would knowingly and purposely wreck the lives of her kids------its the situation in itself, that is messed up

Most A's are conducted in darkness---the cheater does their damndest to hide everything---yet this wife, right in front of her H, followed her about to be lover, out of the room-----forget the WHY----I would wanna know WHAT SHE WAS EVEN THINKING---and alcohol, or no alcohol---SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GETTING HERSELF INTO, and went WILLINGLY

Are mge.,s really that screwed up at 7 to 10 yrs---I don't think so---but in many cases it seems so!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> Alcohol lowers inhibitions, increases libido, and impairs judgement.


Agreed.

In other words, for the cheater *there IS an underlying desire to cheat* that's just under the surface but kept in check. All alcohol does is strip away the thin veneer of self control. It's no different than say I have thought about an fantasized about kicking this guy's ass, but normally restrain myself for fear of legal repercussion should I follow through with it. Get a few drinks in and being impaired and suddenly it becomes much easier to get over the fear of being arrested. 

Many people drink alcohol and have no desire to cheat. So in this case, there is an underlying desire to cheat. This is why he really needs to find out the why.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mack25 said:


> he was drunk as well.


Then don't give her an out. Sorry, he didn't take advantage of her, they BOTH took advantage of you.

He still deserved that punch, but she is just as guilty. More so in my eyes, but that is a debate for another thread.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

The "why" might be profoundly simple.

It's been stated that other women find OP very attractive and it's understood that he could have another woman at the drop of a hat. My guess is that OP has had this "power" all his life and uses it with great responsibility (hasn't cheated).

Wifey has built up resentment over this. On the crawl women may have been signalling to OP in way that he missed but wifey understood. So she decided to instill a little dread, to have OP realize "hey, other men want my wife."

Problem is, wifey doesn't understand the responsibility part of the equation. She had no idea when to stop and how easily her biology would overwhelm her when she got closer to the line (butterflies), especially when drunk.

She was like a child imitating an adult lighting a cigarette: too naive to realize that she could potentially burn the house down.

She needs to understand that life just isn't fair. Some people are smarter. some people are more attractive. Some women have more attractive husbands. She needs to realize that she will end up divorced with a troll-of-a-man for a second husband.

Of course, if you HAVE actually cheated on her, then all bets are off.

Drawing a bit from my own experience here... a few years into our relationship, I started getting better looking while my fiance just got fat. Guess which one of us stayed loyal?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

jnj express said:


> So then tell me---and lets have a good discussion about the following---we all know---that around 7 to 10 yrs in mge it gets boring, same old, same old-----
> 
> How do the spouses protect themselves from the boredom, that has set in??
> 
> ...


7-ish, 10-ish, and 20-ish seem to be the magic number of years that affairs happen. Or discovered rather because we generally don't hear about them until someone suspects or uncovers evidence. 

This is exactly why I started "dating" my wife again. I trust her completely but I didn't want her to even feel she had to entertain the thought.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

Thanks for the advise. Things better but still some tough days. Despite some of the posts, I do truly believe this was the first incident in 15 yrs. I really don't think I'm a sucker on thinking this. Maybe that is what makes it so much harder to move on and forward. Needless to say, drinking nights like that will never be in her future again which she decided.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Men just don't typically zero in on a married woman without some sign that she is open to it.
> 
> _She is giving off some signals that she's receptive (and certainly proved she was in your case). Her signals were strong enough for the guy to risk bodily injury or worse because the husband was IN THE ROOM. She had to have made it more than okay for him to risk this._


*QFT*. Inland's post X 1000. 

It's usually the woman that picks the man, not the other way around. Exceptions aside, this is the typical way of the world.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe discuss a polygraph ?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

It's funny - just this morning as I was driving to work, I was listening to a radio show that has a segment called "The Relationship Test". A woman called in and wanted to test her boyfriend. Apparently, he's been planning a golf trip with his buddies since before they even met 3 months ago. She wanted to call him and tell him that her mom was making a surprise trip to their city the same weekend, to see if he would cancel his golf trip for her or not.

The kicker: SHE WANTED HIM TO SAY NO. She said she knew he was "a man" if he told her he was sorry but going to go ahead with his plans already (he did, by the way). If he agreed to drop his plans to see her mom, she said she would have been much less interested and attracted to him.

Women test us all the time, to check for our integrity, to gauge our mettle, and to find the limits of our resolve. Most of this is done out of an insecurity about the relationship.

I see what your wife did as this kind of "fitness" test. She wanted to see if you would fight for her, demand her fidelity, and offer her consequences if she strayed. She was testing to see if you are a man worthy of her respect and loyalty. When another man was able to take her by the hand and lead her into a bedroom - while you sat there and watched - you lost a tremendous amount of esteem in her eyes. She realized then she cannot trust you to protect her and fight for her. You were profoundly weak. Even the punch after the fact, well deserved, by the way, was too little, too late.

I don't say this to knock you - we are all very beta-ized in the world we live in. A few of us wake the fvck up and escape from it. Now it's your turn.

Mack25, it is critically important for you to now destabilize the marriage you have. By that, I mean you need to - desperately - shuffle the deck in your relationship, and start working hard on being a complete man without her. Please read a couple of books that are touted on here time and again:

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, and "Married Man's Sex Life" by Athol Kay. 

She did what she did because she did not fear any repercussions. She tested you, and you failed. You may be regaining ground in the way you are handling yourself now, but believe me, she's going to test your resolve again. It's an instinctive female imperative to test and re-test the quality of the relationship over and over. Guys don't think like that, and that's why so many of us miss the obvious signs that she is vulnerable to another man's attention.

Keep posting on your progress, and by all means, you need to keep a very close eye on her and check into her recent past activities.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Mack I think it is way too early to write this off as a one time drunken deal. The link in my signature will take you to a thread that is all about gathering evidence. You need to take a look into your wife's behavior and history. Has your wife ever gone out without you to events, parties, or bars? If so how can you, now knowing what you do, honestly turn a blind eye to what could be. You need to be going through her email, text messages, facebook, twitter, and/or anything else she has. If you don't have passwords to them make her give them to you. It is very important that you don't give her the time to cover up any past infidelity. I mean for all you know this is just the one time she got caught because she was careless. We don't want you to suffer a second Dday. Countless men and women have been in your shoes. Be one of the ones that doesn't get fooled by their Wayward Wife. 
There is also a thread on here called the lie and the truth. Look through it see if any of the revelations on there matches your own situation. Trust us if she is willing to do this with you with her. Then she was probably willing to do this when you weren't with her.

Full transparency 
or you go out the door. unless you have kids then she goes out the door.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mack25 said:


> I really don't think I'm a sucker on thinking this. Maybe that is what makes it so much harder to move on and forward.


You are having trouble moving on and forward because your gut is smarter than your heart.



mack25 said:


> Needless to say, drinking nights like that will never be in her future again which she decided.


Yes, just like my wife told me she'd never get caught up with feelings for another man after her "first time" in what I now know was an EA. Years later, I am posting here wondering what I missed within that time span now that I found a 2nd EA, I doubt that claim.

As someone always states "trust, but verify."


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Mack. If D is the way to go you can force her hand by getting a D on favorable terms as a condition for reconciliation. What do you think your wife would say to that? Would she scoff or be understanding?

How far do you think she would have gone if you had not gone looking for her? Sex? Unprotected sex? What if ou were ten minutes late? Would she have told you about it the next day?

Being drunk is no excuse for her actions as getting drunk and being in a strange situation is her responsibility to controll.

Her telling you not to bring it up is unacceptable. It means she still sees this act as no big deal and you bringing it up is an impediment to moving on just like bringing up not doing laundry last week is an impediment. You need to make it clear that her actions can lead to divorce and she has to own up to that. She will likely say in her mind that it was just a kiss and she was drunk.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

badbane said:


> Mack I think it is way too early to write this off as a one time drunken deal.


I agree.



> I mean for all you know this is just the one time she got caught because she was careless.


She wasn't just careless; she was brazen. Hopefully it was just a case of 'the alcohol talking'. Though the alcohol would have had to be mighty persuasive to have her follow another man into a dark corner with her husband present.

@Mack25 - Was your wife forthcoming about WHY she did what she did?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you had waited another 15 minutes don't you think they would have been having sex? You know that the answer is yes. Something is so out of whack here. If the roles were reversed would your wife rug sweep it away like you have? 

She was so bold to do this knowing you the husband was in the next room that it implies a host of things and I think you know this. If I were you I would insist on a polygraph for your own piece of mind to make sure that this has not happened previously which you did not know about. I think that there is more to this story than you are willing to admit. It simply does not make sense.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Certainly she has cheated before.

So often she no longer even worried about showing him her next conquest.

This was IN HIS FACE. There is no greater act of betrayal and defiance than to do it literally under his gaze.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'll give her the benefit for his sake. Still it does beg the question of what is wrong that too drunk equals cheat?

There are some deeper issues going on than drinking in Mack's marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Her story does not add up in my mind but this is not the first time a cheaters story has made no sense to me. Very hard to imagine a situation like this being her first attempt at cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

badbane said:


> Mack I think it is way too early to write this off as a one time drunken deal. The link in my signature will take you to a thread that is all about gathering evidence. You need to take a look into your wife's behavior and history. Has your wife ever gone out without you to events, parties, or bars? If so how can you, now knowing what you do, honestly turn a blind eye to what could be. You need to be going through her email, text messages, facebook, twitter, and/or anything else she has. If you don't have passwords to them make her give them to you. It is very important that you don't give her the time to cover up any past infidelity. I mean for all you know this is just the one time she got caught because she was careless. We don't want you to suffer a second Dday. Countless men and women have been in your shoes. Be one of the ones that doesn't get fooled by their Wayward Wife.
> There is also a thread on here called the lie and the truth. Look through it see if any of the revelations on there matches your own situation. Trust us if she is willing to do this with you with her. Then she was probably willing to do this when you weren't with her.
> 
> Full transparency
> or you go out the door. unless you have kids then she goes out the door.


I have always had all passwords to email, FB, etc and never have seen anything even close to suspicous and have looked closely after this including find my iphone app. Still nothing suspicious. I think it was a drunk slip up and not sure I will ever get the 'why' answered. 

The sad part is I will never fully trust her again and not sure I will get the respect ever back that I used to have for her. Always said I was happily married and don't say that anymore either.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> I agree.
> 
> She wasn't just careless; she was brazen. Hopefully it was just a case of 'the alcohol talking'. Though the alcohol would have had to be mighty persuasive to have her follow another man into a dark corner with her husband present.
> 
> @Mack25 - Was your wife forthcoming about WHY she did what she did?


Yes she was but she wasn't totally sure why and only remember pieces of the night. She has answered every question I have asked and we have had multiple sessions with a MC. I don't think it would have escalated to more because of the location were someone else would have walked in and they were standing and nowhere to sit or lie down. That being said, I have asked her how she can truthfully answer that if the OG had pushed it further since she still isn't sure how she ended up in that position to begin with.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

It could have gone further even with just standing room. Glad you caught it before it did. 

You'd never want to kiss her again.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

mack25 said:


> I don't think it would have escalated to more because of the location were someone else would have walked in and they were standing and nowhere to sit or lie down.


Umm, they could have done it standing up ... a wall is all you need.

BTW, sorry you're here Mack. This sucks. Reading your thread it seems like you guys are not getting to the underlying issue for "why" she did this. Sounds to me like there are definitely problems in the marriage, enough so that she is likely "emotionally checked out" ... I don't see how else she could be so brazen to do what she did right under your nose. She was disturbingly bold. I don't see how you could ever trust her again.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

mack25 said:


> Yes she was but she wasn't totally sure why and only remember pieces of the night.


Her patchy memory is.. _convenient_ if your wife if she wants to put this behind her. But perfectly plausible after a long pub crawl. So, why not focus on what she can remember.

She CAN REMEMBER finding the OM attractive
She CAN REMEMBER flirting with the OM and flirting back
She CAN REMEMBER not shutting down his advances
She CAN REMEMBER telling the OM "My husband is right there"
She CAN REMEMBER the OM wasn't bothered. And neither was she.
She CAN REMEMBER allowing things to escalate to the point where you found them alone together.

Finding other people attractive is a fact of life. I'm sure it's true of pretty much everybody on this board. She chose to cross plenty of boundaries before she went off with him. Alcohol just let her say "What the hell" every time she came across one. 

Not to harp on it - but as far as not going further, as mentioned above, standing room is enough room. All the OM needed was time and a willing accomplice. You wife was 'only' unfaithful and had not had time to cheat. Thankfully you got there when you did.

You've already put in place steps to make sure this doesn't happen again, but it's time for you both to have an open 'state of the marriage' discussion, if you haven't already.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mack25 said:


> Yes she was but she wasn't totally sure why and only remember pieces of the night. She has answered every question I have asked and we have had multiple sessions with a MC. I don't think it would have escalated to more because of the location were someone else would have walked in and they were standing and nowhere to sit or lie down. That being said, I have asked her how she can truthfully answer that if the OG had pushed it further since she still isn't sure how she ended up in that position to begin with.


Standing didn't stop them from banging right there and then, you did Mack. You weren't very far away from her and she still went as far as she did when you had found them. They were most likely about to have sex and you stopped them before they could. I know it sucks to think about it, but if you had gotten there 15, or 20 minutes later do you really believe that it wouldn't have progressed further...

But you did walk in on them in time and she didn't get a chance to go any further. The question is why did it even happen in the first place. I know you both are in counseling and that's great. One way, or another, you need to find out why. The booze isn't the why, it's a how. I would guess that she has had this issue for a while now and it may take a while for her to realize what exactly caused her to do this.

It's been said many times here that when something like this happens to a marriage, that sometimes the couple ends up coming out of it stronger then they had ever been before. I hope this is the case with you and your wife Mack, I really do.


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