# First counseling session today



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, we're going to our first couples counseling session today. I'm miserable in our marriage, he was completely oblivious until I brought it up.

(If you're not familiar and want to read my story, there's more on this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/55814-limbo-having-talk-few-days.html)

Anyway -- I've never been to counseling before. Any advice on what to expect, or what to say/do?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just be honest


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

How'd it go?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I guess it went OK - to be perfectly honest, I'm not really sure how it went, because I've never been to see a therapist and didn't know what to expect.

The therapist is nice enough, and she seems to know her stuff. Initially, she explained to us how the whole counseling thing works (she's not on his or her side, she's on the side of the relationship; the three of us are a team), and then she started asking us some get-to-know-you questions (like ages, jobs, how long you've been together), and why we were coming to counseling.

I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about the experience. I want to be completely honest, but I don't feel comfortable HONESTLY answering a lot of her questions in front of my husband. So I'm hedging and under-stating things. For example, she asked why we came to see a therapist. I said because "I'm unhappy in our marriage," which is an understatement; I'm miserable and lonely and resentful, but I didn't say that because my husband was sitting right next to me. She asked us each individually if we wanted to save the relationship. He said "with my whole heart." (So freaking melodramatic, that one.) I said "I don't know," which is an understatement; I'm on the far end of the 'Meh, Not so Much' spectrum.

What's the point if I can't be honest? But I'm having a REALLY HARD TIME with that while my husband is in the room. It took me way too long to admit all this to myself; it took me another year to admit this to anyone other than myself. I'm finally at the point where, if I was with the therapist alone, I would have no problem expressing myself. I have no problem expressing myself here, clearly, and I don't see how telling her would be any different. But after I finally opened up to a friend, it took me another three months to tell my husband, and that was just to tell him that I'm (generally) unhappy. after that, I burst into tears and couldn't go any further. That was almost four months ago.

Another thing that made me crazy is that he's not being honest either, but in a different way. She asked how we met. He and I both have different versions; he has repeatedly said that my version is totally wrong, but it makes for a better story. So, when she asks this question, my husband doesn't tell his version. He tells her MY version, and then insists that I finish the story, like we're all cute and happy. Now, I don't have a copyright on my version or anything, but if you've been saying for years that my version is WRONG, why are you telling her my version now? Because you think it's a better STORY. She asked if we were attracted to each other right away; he says absolutely, I thought she was beautiful the first time we met, that she was a vision in a chef jacket or something like that, which is ALL TOTAL BS. I know, because he told me forever ago that he wasn't interested in me when we first met, that it came later. And he kept doing that kind of BS lying throughout the session, trying to make everything look all romantic and lovey-dovey, like we were a match made in heaven from the beginning. And all I can think is liar Liar LIAR!

And she's all like, it's all about communication, if we can re-establish communication we can re-establish this love, and I'm thinking, lady, he is snowing you just like he snows everybody else. Yeah, we have communication issues, but fixing communication is just a paint job; our issues are a LOT bigger than that. She asked us what we liked about each other in the first place, and she's like, we just have to get you back to that place. And I think well, that's all well and good, but I don't want to get back to that place, because: 1) As it turns out, he's not really the person that I was attracted to in the first place (whether he never really was that person, if he's changed, or if my perception has changed, is unknown to me); 2) I'm not that girl anymore, and I don't want to be her. That girl? She had no direction, she had no idea what was going on with her life, she drank too much, she was insecure and didn't knwo what she wanted out of life. 

And so now we have mandatory quality time and touching (no sex, though, thank goodness) this Sunday and Monday (b/c that's the only time we ever see each other), but I really don't want him touching me or and I don't really want to spend any time with him, event though my love languages are touch and quality time. And I have to clean the house because his love language is service.

So, I guess that was a pretty negative review, wasn't it? I don't blame the therapist, but it's gonna take her a long time to cut through both his and my BS if we keep on like this.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Neither of us has ever been to any sort of counseling or therapy sessions, so this is very new to both of us.

And you're right, this is just the first session.

Part of me thinks that I just need to pull myself up by my garter straps and force myself to be completely, brutally honest, that it would be more realistic and help us get to the meat of things more quickly; the other part of me says that would be cruel and would hurt his feelings. The first part of me retorts back, you're only hurting him more in the long run by dragging this out. 



Zanne said:


> Yeah, that's exactly how I imagine MC would go for me too. I can't remember if you mentioned in your first thread (the Limbo one) if either of you went to individual counseling before. That is what my husband and I are doing and then apparently in the future, the group of us to include me, my husband, and our respective counselors, will meet to begin MC, if we get to that point. A long process, I guess.
> 
> Also? It was your first visit and maybe you both will feel more comfortable to open up about real issues in the future sessions.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP, you have to be honest with your husband, no matter how much it hurts.

First, counseling has no chance if you aren't honest.

Second, you say that you've changed and are not that girl any more... but if you are fibbing to your husband, he may think you still are the old you, or whatever image you've created for yourself for his benefit. If you create the illusion that things are not what they are in reality, he will be wasting his time trying to woo and repair a marriage with a spouse that no longer exists.

It is actually quite cruel what you are doing to him right now if you think about it that way.

There are ways to be tactful yet honest. "Last week, I said I didn't know if I wanted to save the relationship. I want to be honest. I really don't want to save the relationship. I have a small hope that we could create a new and different one where I could be happy too." might be a start.

Be brave and bold, it's your marriage and your life here!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thanks, Acorn. You're quite right. I hadn't really thought of it from that perspective. By not acknowledging and speaking the complete truth, I'm essentially leading him on, which IS cruel.

Great, now I'm a horrible person!
(OK, I meant that facetiously, but I would be a not-so-great person if I persist in this misdirection.)



Acorn said:


> OP, you have to be honest with your husband, no matter how much it hurts.
> 
> First, counseling has no chance if you aren't honest.
> 
> ...


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## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

Feminist.. you are not a horrible person at all. I admire you for seeking counseling. I think I would feel the same as you if me and my husband were seen together.. I would not be as honest and open.

I am in counseling for my self..my husband is against counseling. I asked him will he consider going he said no, I said not even to save our marriage he said no.. he said nothing has changed in all these years and I told him a lot has changed. And for us to be so distant and he feels nothing has changed sorta bothers me.. but counseling is helping me a bit.

So I know how you feel. Its easy for someone to say you need to be honest in your counseling session... its hard enough for me to open up alone let alone if my husband was there. 

Maybe you guys need to see the counselor alone for a few weeks or how ever long it takes and then together. I hope you get a chance to go alone I am sure you will open up more. Your husband may open up more as well. 

KG


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## Konfusion (Jan 7, 2013)

It is best to be honest. I am a little surprised you didn't each meet individually with the counselor first.

I went in and had notes made and just read everything off. I was a little worried the counselor would try to book more sessions to I didn't screw around and just read off my bad attributes as well (what my wife would say).

My counselor had me pegged in 20 minutes. It was almost like she could read my mind. 

Problem is, I can't bring myself to say the same things, in the same detail, if my wife is sitting there. I am that scared of her. Call me a wimp but I saw what she did to her first husband (and she wanted that divorce). I dread having to go through that.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

The first step is communication. You can't fix any of the issues if you don't relearn how to talk to each other again. Counseling is a safe place. You need to be honest because then your frustration and anger will come out in an argument at home, and that won't end well. 

Why is communication so important? He knows you're not happy. He just doesn't understand why. Mostly because you two are probably using different dictionaries with each other. You say something important to you, and he interprets completely different than what you mean.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OP, I think you've GOT to bring yourself to be honest. One of you has to take the lead in the "honesty department". 

My W is completely burned out on our M (she has every reason to be, btw), but at least she has been honest w/ me about how she feels and how she got to this point. She won't go to MC right now, because in her words, she "really doesn't have it in her" to put the necessary work in to repair the M.

If you are both going to MC, it would seem you both have, at some level, a desire to work on your M. If you say how you honestly feel, it may pizz him off, but he will be more likely to be truthful as well, I think. However, IMO, if neither of you are being honest, you're wasting your time w/ MC.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, it's been about a month, and I think you all deserve an update.

I took all of your great advice, and I went in prepared to be totally honest. The therapist made it pretty easy for me, because it was apparent to me within the first couple minutes that she had seen through my evasiveness in the first session (I'm guessing it's something she's seen plenty of times before). 

(Konfusion: She totally had me pegged, too.)

And I said that while I thought the discussion we had at the first session about communication and love languages was all well and good, but our problems are a lot bigger than just communication.

That, and my willingness to be completely honest, really got the ball rolling on things, and we've covered a LOT of ground in the last four weeks. 

But what also has become apparent is that, while he says that he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work, my husband is making no effort beyond attending the sessions. He has not been acting on any of the suggestions made by our therapist to help improve our connection and emotional intimacy; in fact, if she suggests that we do something, he either ignores her suggestions, or does the complete opposite. And he's not really listening to me and what I'm trying to communicate in the sessions; even though we have a therapist who is there to help us understand what the other is saying, he's still not hearing me. 

It's also become clear that he thinks this is all in my head, that he bears no responsibility for the state of our marriage. He suggested two sessions ago that we separate, so *I* can figure out if I'm really happier without him.

The therapist asked what we would do during this time to work on our marriage, and he said, "That's what the separation is." As if the separation itself will magically heal our broken relationship.

She suggested that moving forward, we do individual one-on-one sessions, and as things progress, we can see if we want to resume the couple sessions.

So I had my first one-on-one with her this past Thursday (my husband is going for his first this coming Thursday), and we talked about a lot of things. It was really freeing to be there alone. We talked about my family, my husband's parents, both our childhoods, and how I'm seeing his parents' marriage play out in ours. And towards the end, we started talking more about my husband's behavior and the motives behind it.

And what she said at the end of the session surprised me. We had been talking about guilt earlier in the session, and she said (obviously paraphrasing here, BTW),

"You shouldn't feel guilty about this. You've obviously been trying to make this relationship work for a long time, and you know what it takes to make a healthy relationship work.

"You know I'm not a proponent of divorce. My interest is in helping you both have a healthy marriage. But your husband's behavior isn't conducive to a healthy relationship. For this marriage to work, he needs to make significant changes in his life. He doesn't have to make a 180; he needs to make a 360. And that is going to take a very long time, if he's willing to work to make the change. And I don't see him doing that, because he's refused to do the work so far, and he refuses to recognize that he needs to make any changes.

"I'm glad the two of you have decided to separate, because this relationship isn't good for you. All of this is grounds for divorce."​
Yeah, wasn't expecting to hear that from my therapist, but it's pretty much validated everything that I've been thinking over the last 6-12 months.

She went on to say that she didn't think that I needed any additional sessions with her, if I didn't want to. Something along the lines of, "YOU don't need counseling, you've got your s&*% together." But if I wanted to, she would be willing to continue to meet with me, to help me deal with the separation and the (presumed) divorce. She also said that we can do some actualization exercises and work on developing better relationship skills so that my next relationship will be a healthy one. So I am going to continue to see her once every other week, moving forward.

One step at a time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, and I guess I now have to move over to the "going through divorce/separation" forum ...

And I forgot to mention, he's moving out on Feb 10, so ... 6 days.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

Good Luck Fem,

You do sound like you have your $&@t together. That will only help you going forward.

Thank you for the PM today. It was nice to hear from you!

Jason


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hello, all -- I've posted an update here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/113450-wtf-going-me.html#post3902954

Sorry in advance -- it's pretty long.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

FIP, you're inspiring. Don't look back.

Hi Jason,

How did you find out about your wife's affair? Was she ashamed or just relieved that it was finally over?
Do you have to see your sons living with him now as a step parent?

Sorry for the thread jack, FIP.


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