# Not to sound like a ***** but...



## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

I've noticed a lot of ppl have been on here for some time and just so you know, ONCE THEY CHEAT THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE CAPABILITY OF CHEATING NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY "LOVE YOU".
Something changes in their brain after the incident and if you forgive them fully and roll over, it will happen again. Its not vindictive or whatever. If you have a cheater and those issues havent been worked out quick enough THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN. As a cheater I've learned that. Waited for change for years and it never happened. Cheated and still he wouldnt go to counseling with me but did roll over. The problem has to be solved. If the cheater asks to go to counceling GO WITH THEM. Resolve those problems and you will have a chance. Looks like ppl wait to try and fix the problem until its to late...


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

jem5 said:


> If the cheater asks to go to counceling GO WITH THEM. Resolve those problems and you will have a chance. Looks like ppl wait to try and fix the problem until its to late...


But not while they are actively in the affair. Afterwards yes. During No.


----------



## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I believe you're right Jem, once a cheater always a cheater. It's all in how they percieve the cheating, or justify it.

My stbx cheated years ago when she was upset with me, I forgave her but no councilling. Now she's attempted it again, it's what she knows. She grew up with a cheater for a father, grandfater, etc and actually says sex and love are two different things:scratchhead:

That's not the way I see it.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I will never never cheat ever ever ever again not on anyone. Mine was a one time deal. My husband went to 1 IC apt, thinks he can work stuff out on his own. When he broke up with this girl in hs, he continued to sleep with her while she was with another guy, then i came along. I wonder if he is gonna follow the same pattern, I mean we have been intimate for the last 5 months, and he has been home and gone. Either he is gonna find someone they way he found me, or he is gonna pull his ****ing head out and remember that I was the girl that "saved" him from himself all that time ago.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Isn't that Albert Einstein's quote? "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results". 

Same thing with cheating or any other poor relationship behaviour (financial mis-management, abuse, etc)... If the offending spouse apologizes, the other spouse forgives, but nothing in the relationship changes, what are the odds that things are actually going to be better in 6 months? 

C


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

they won't


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ing said:


> But not while they are actively in the affair. Afterwards yes. During No.


:iagree:

The problem is that many cheaters use MC as a way to justify - via a third party - that their decision to cheat is the fault of their betrayed spouses. Why? because their affair is still active.

So until a cheater is showing true signs of ending the affair, remorse and being an open book, the best thing for a betrayed spouse is to emotionally detach and to begin divorce proceedings.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I don't think most people have any idea... Really. 

When you remove the "human" aspect of the experience of affairs, and the emotional impact that the process has on the people involved and you take a detached look at the psychology of what is happening, and MUCH more importantly the physiological changes in brain function and permanant nuerological rewiring that occurs it's stunning. 

If you just looked at a "lab rat view" of the science of what occurs it would probably blow your mind.

No, cheaters are never the same. You can never go back, that's a matter of science. Going forward is possible obviously, but the brains "hard wiring" has undergone massive reconstruction. The odds are overwelmingly against you.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Like I've said before, I don't think once a cheat always a cheater is correct, I would say twice a cheater always a cheater. I think its similar to drunk drivers, a huge percentage of DUI offenders learn a huge lesson after the first and never do it ever again, where as a DUI offender that gets a second DUI is more likely to get a third or even 4+.

Given, like everyone has said once they cheat they have shown that they have the capability to cheat again. I kind of don't even agree with saying that they show that they have the capability to cheat because everyone really is capable of cheating, I mean we all have the right parts to do it right? It's more or less a battle in your head if you want to go against what you believe or give in to your own desires and throw everything away.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I guess maybe it should be stated that once they cheat they have shown that they have the mental capability to cheat, not just that they are capable of cheating.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't think once a cheat always a cheat.. but I do think if you cheat on your spouse once you are likely to do it again. Obviously you cheated because you are not happy with your spouse.. so you still remain unhappy and cheat again.


----------



## ckf (May 3, 2011)

I don't think once a cheater always a cheater.. I agree with Lilyana that you're likely to do it to a spouse more than once, but I definitely don't think you'll do it to every person you are with. Everyone has different justifications for cheating and completely different circumstances under which they do it. There's no way of completely putting yourself in someone else's shoes, so how can you say they'll always be a cheater?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ckf said:


> There's no way of completely putting yourself in someone else's shoes, so how can you say they'll always be a cheater?


I think the paradigm that he is using is similar to being an alcoholic. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. They can choose not to drink, perhaps for the rest of thier lives. But, they will always be an alcoholic. and I don't mean they will _just _carry the "stigma" of being an alcoholic. They are alcholics. They are physiological hard wired that way. 

Same applys with a cheater, and scientifically that analogy is dead accurate. A cheater will always be a cheater, if they choose not to engage in the activity that doesn't change the fact.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I dunno, I go back and forth on once a cheat, always a cheat, I see both sides.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thats why I go with twice a cheat, always a cheat...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Firstly, I always love when people preface what they are going to say with "BUT":

I love you, BUT...

You are doing a good job, BUT...

Sorry if I offend you, BUT...





jem5 said:


> I've noticed a lot of ppl have been on here for some time and just so you know, ONCE THEY CHEAT *THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE CAPABILITY OF CHEATING *NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY "LOVE YOU".


Correction: anyone has the capability of cheating. 

It's totally up to the individual to decide if they will or not.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

paramore said:


> I dunno, I go back and forth on once a cheat, always a cheat, I see both sides.


This is not a bias from me regarding the fact that my W cheated on me, and has nothing to do with wanting to believe one way or the other. Purely factual, based on nuerological pathways formed during an addiction. 

This is obviously predicated on the fact that an addiction was present, in a one night stand or very short affair situation the damage or rewiring of the nuerological pathways is not as significant. Same applies to any addiction, alcohol, gambling, etc... It can and is relative to how deeply involved one becomes with the addiction prior to becoming "sober" or abstaining from the substance, person or activity that they developed a dependance too... Then there are individual factors regarding personality types and succeptability to dependance. It's obviously very complicated. 

But anyway, the fact is clear. Once a dependance or addiction is established, it is always present and cheating/affairs are highly addictive. Regardless of an individuals choice to continue to do it, or not do it. So based on pure science, yes. Levels and layers vary but a cheater is always a cheater.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, technically I think that "cheater" label is yours forever, once you do it once. Even if I became a monk tomorrow and never looked at another woman, it doesn't change what I've done in the past.

At the same time, I think that if someone takes the effort to understand why they did it, how they went wrong, and works at making sure it doesn't happen again, they can make the change. After all, with virtually every other poor decision that people can make, they're allowed a second chance. 

C


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I agree with what you said about the label: once you do it you can't ever get rid of the lael. But that doesn't mean people who cheated in the past will in the future, whether in the same relationship or a new one. Two separate issues.


----------



## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> This is not a bias from me regarding the fact that my W cheated on me, and has nothing to do with wanting to believe one way or the other. Purely factual, based on nuerological pathways formed during an addiction.
> 
> This is obviously predicated on the fact that an addiction was present, in a one night stand or very short affair situation the damage or rewiring of the nuerological pathways is not as significant. Same applies to any addiction, alcohol, gambling, etc... It can and is relative to how deeply involved one becomes with the addiction prior to becoming "sober" or abstaining from the substance, person or activity that they developed a dependance too... Then there are individual factors regarding personality types and succeptability to dependance. It's obviously very complicated.
> 
> But anyway, the fact is clear. Once a dependance or addiction is established, it is always present and cheating/affairs are highly addictive. Regardless of an individuals choice to continue to do it, or not do it. So based on pure science, yes. Levels and layers vary but a cheater is always a cheater.


I like the scientific view of us humans, I watched a pbs series about love and happiness the other night and it really made me change my view of things. We're not as complicated as we like to think when it comes to how we treat each other.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

PBear said:


> Well, technically I think that "cheater" label is yours forever, once you do it once. Even if I became a monk tomorrow and never looked at another woman, it doesn't change what I've done in the past.



So I'm reminded of St. Augustine who said "Dear Lord make me holy.....just not now"


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I think that "cheater" label is yours forever."

Totally agree. Its not the actual cheating per say, its about TRUST. The trust issue will ALWAYS be scrutinized. I can bet that even those who have reconciled have it in the back of their heads that this(cheating) can come back to haunt the relationship. How can you truly trust someone who has inflicted upon you the greatest betrayal anyone can do. Infidelity is so damaging, not only to the betrayed party, but also to those who are closest to you. As of late, I feel I can't trust my STBXW in any aspect. That is why I'm moving on. I don't want to second guess her intentions toward me. I don't want to live in a relationship where I'm constantly in DEFENSE mode at all times. See what I mean?


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Here's an interesting question for you ahhhh, could you ever be in a new relationship with a woman that admits that she had cheated once? Would you question her as well, if she was brutally honest about it and was fully remorseful for her past actions?


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

NOOOOOOOOOOO! NEVER... EVER! How could you trust someone like that. I wouldn't question her either. Our relationship, whatever it may be, would be over at that moment. I'd literally get up, and walk away. HONESTLY. Sorry, but that's just how I feel about it.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

crap..... I AM JUST KIDDING!!!!!! I can totally understand that point of view. Seriously dude, I was giving you crap.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Why do I feel I was set up for that one. It's nothing personal paramore. You know we'll always be cool with each other. I'm just a bit jaded right now. You sound like such a sweetie, though... very tempting indeed. Who knows... maybe in an alternate universe we're already there... HAHAHA!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well, I didn't give a sh*t and I had my priorties. My career...for years I didn't give a crap about my cheating wife. I got mine and thats all that counted.

She was my trophy wife, booty call, my little sl*t that gave me what I needed and as far as her needs, well f*ck em!

Not to sound like an @ss hole, but I WAS...I was that guy she should have left 13....14 years ago.

When I told her to go get a boytoy b/c I didn't want to spend the time with her, I figured she won't. When she asked for divorce I'd say no. I mean I have owned my abusize behavior just like she has owned her infidelity behavior.

So my point, yes we are remorseful for our past behaviors, and yes we got rid of our old marraige b/c of it. We have changed...do I regret for asking for a sl*t for a W no, but I do regret having such unhealty behaviors in a marriage that causes the things that we have done to each other. I will not share and I will not neglect her. In turn she will not find comfort and attention from OM's, we will treat each other with respect.

can she go back and get some strange, well yes. Can I go off and tell her that her needs are dangleable, yes. We both have the capacity to go back to our old behaviors and have an unhealthy marriage thats makes us unhappy, but we both diserve to be happy and we both want that so we both work hard in not going back to those bad behaviors. It's better that way for both of us...it's worth it.

Once that person always that person, but we both work damb hard on not being like that.

Speaking for both me and my cheating wife...we are the definition of the 180.


God, sorry for the rant guys


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I was just giving ya crap dude, all in good fun I think we could all use a lol once in awhile, and good for you guy


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

paramore said:


> I will never never cheat ever ever ever again not on anyone. Mine was a one time deal. My husband went to 1 IC apt, thinks he can work stuff out on his own. When he broke up with this girl in hs, he continued to sleep with her while she was with another guy, then i came along. I wonder if he is gonna follow the same pattern, I mean we have been intimate for the last 5 months, and he has been home and gone. Either he is gonna find someone they way he found me, or he is gonna pull his ****ing head out and remember that I was the girl that "saved" him from himself all that time ago.


I wont again either. I justified my EA with " well she had an ea/ pa so I'm entitled". 
I was wrong, just as wrong as she was. I never want to experience that look on her face ever again.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

P-
Some folks can only save them selve, thinking you saved them is conceeded. Helping them along is admiderable.


----------

