# WHY Remarry After Midlife...?



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I would love to know what everyone on here thinks of this!

If you've already been divorced, and you aren't going to have children, WHAT is the incentive to remarry in your 40's or older...? What is the benefit...?? Why does it matter?

I am not talking about commitment - but you can have commitment without marriage. And I don't need to hear religious reasons...I understand those.

For those you who would want to remarry - or DID - after (at least) one divorce...WHY...???


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I would love to know what everyone on here thinks of this!
> 
> If you've already been divorced, and you aren't going to have children, WHAT is the incentive to remarry in your 40's or older...? What is the benefit...?? Why does it matter?
> 
> ...


Legal and financial benefits would be one reason.

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Because when I find my life partner I'm not interested in being his girlfriend for the next 35 to 40 years. Marriage has meaning to me and is a commitment beyond being girlfriend and boyfriend and I'm interested in that kind of a relationship.

Marriage isn't just for couples who want to have children. Plenty of couples are childfree by choice and they still value marriage. What about couples who find they are infertile and can't have children---- are their marriages pointless?? No!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

It seems to me that ''marriage'' (in all its various cultural norms) is enmeshed into our very DNA.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Marriage means little to us. As you say, you can have commitment without marriage and we had that for many years. Most of the legal benefits can be replicated with various types of power of attorney, etc., but it can be inconvenient if you have to produce a document to prove it. However, there can be tax benefits, and an often overlooked item can be social security survivor benefits, if the higher earning person dies first. At the time we married, ACA didn't exist, and the only way to keep her alive was to get her on my employer's health plan - that required marriage.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think a lot of couples do it because to them it signifies a stronger commitment. The financial benefits are a plus and the legal benefits, next of kin, etc. It makes certain parts of life easier. And now with common law rules you lose the benefit of not getting married when someone can just sue you for alimony even when you weren't even really married.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

On a personal note, and this is NOT to judge anyone who does it, but I would NEVER remarry. I'd date and have fun, THAT'S IT! There is no benefit, and I wouldn't want ANYONE to have financial/medical decision making control over me. That will be reserved for my kids lol!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I think a lot of couples do it because to them it signifies a stronger commitment. The financial benefits are a plus and the legal benefits, next of kin, etc. It makes certain parts of life easier. And now with common law rules you lose the benefit of not getting married when someone can just sue you for alimony even when you weren't even really married.


Common law marriage isn't all that common only a few states have it.

Alabama

Colorado

District of Columbia

Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)

Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)

Iowa

Kansas

Montana

New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)

Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)

Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma’s laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)

Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Texas

Utah



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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> It seems to me that ''marriage'' (in all its various cultural norms) is enmeshed into our very DNA.


Hmm...how so...??


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Why marry in the first place. When you throw out children and religion, financial (tax) reasons, are the questionable remaining reason. I know that I'm not wealthy enough to really save significantly on taxes. There are some weird legal assumptions about marriage. Like paternity, and health insurance. So I guess I could get married to get health insurance, or rather stay married to maintain health insurance. . .

Oh, I guess that's it. my only reason for being married.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t think everyone is cut out for marriage. I‘m not — my life is very good as it is — so I have no interest in trying again.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> Hmm...how so...??


It seems to be a universal practice. No matter where you go (with outliers, of course) everybody seems to just pair off. Kinda like asking why do you inhale after you exhale......I don't know, I just do. 

Pretty articulate, eh? lol


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> Legal and financial benefits would be one reason.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


Yes. 

A popular example is one spouse has health insurance he/she can put a spouse on, but not a BF or GF.

I know people who have kept marriages for this reason, while both spouses cohabit w/ others.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Health insurance, inheritance, medical decision making, social security benefits, legal contracts (deeds and whatnot), taxes, and a bunch of other things are only possible or are significantly easier for legally tied adults. Marriage or domestic partnership or whatever grants a ton of legal recognition.

That being said, I haven't gone on my first date post divorce so what do I know?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well, @Emerging Buddhist and I met when we were 56yo and married when we were 57yo, so I think we are precisely your demographic! He had a marriage of almost 30 years, and I was divorced once and widowed once. So on one hand, I understand what you mean and agree that there can be commitment without the "paper." In fact, I told him that I thought of commitment as what is between us, and even though we are married, I want him to stay because he wants to be here...not out of obligation to some commitment. 

And yet (and this is a big "and yet"), to me, getting married was not only commitment between us, but also PUBLIC commitment to each other in front of our family and friends. It's also LEGAL commitment to each other in front of "society" that yep, we are one unit. Now, the day-to-day acting out of the commitment is still between us, just as our parents' marriages and siblings' marriages about between them and their spouse. But to me, the public declaration and celebration is like an additional layer of family's joining together.

In the event of medical emergency or financial emergency, we know each other's wishes and we have to trust that the other will execute our wishes as we want...but you'd have that whether need to trust whether there was a marriage or not. WITH a marriage, now the other has the authority to do our wishes.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> It seems to be a universal practice. No matter where you go (with outliers, of course) everybody seems to just pair off. Kinda like asking why do you inhale after you exhale......I don't know, I just do.
> 
> Pretty articulate, eh? lol


I DO like this non-answer...but is it YOUR opinion...?? 

Maybe I need to add a political component to the question to get a more descriptive answer (complete with memes!)...?? Lol!!!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So I'll post the odd notion that marriage adds some freedom to your life/relationship. Commitment isn't a sentence; it's (or it should be) setting up notions of boundaries and privacy that two people can comfortably live within and not worry that something they do is going to cause the other to leave. It (marriage) has the ability to reduce fear and stress.

In an ideal world, of course. Your mileage may vary. Just suggesting that it's possible some view marriage as liberating rather than confining. Assuming they're interested in long term relationships.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If your partner works for a Catholic organization and you need the health insurance, you better be married. 2 years ago, even as I could barely breathe due to coming out of remission, I still couldn't make an appointment with anyone because my husband's employer withheld the health insurance until we produced the marriage certificate. So much for the good Samaritan reputation of Catholic entities.........

If your partner works overseas, it will be easier to get a visa if you're legally married.

And I also like what Casual observer wrote above. It's just nice having someone around the house whom I don't always have to entertain. We're not worried about making things 50 /50 and so on.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> In an ideal world, of course. Your mileage may vary. Just suggesting that it's possible some view marriage as liberating rather than confining. Assuming they're interested in long term relationships.


My first marriage was confining, and I wish I hadn't married her. It was unreasonably difficult, time consuming, and costly to get out of it, too. This marriage is liberating, even though we married mostly to obtain benefits - o/w, we wouldn't have needed to or bothered as things were (and are) great anyway.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> So I'll post the odd notion that marriage adds some freedom to your life/relationship. Commitment isn't a sentence; it's (or it should be) setting up notions of boundaries and privacy that two people can comfortably live within and not worry that something they do is going to cause the other to leave. It (marriage) has the ability to reduce fear and stress.
> 
> In an ideal world, of course. Your mileage may vary. Just suggesting that it's possible some view marriage as liberating rather than confining. Assuming they're interested in long term relationships.


Ummm. Aren't you kind of saying being married gives people the ability to become lax in how they treat their partner because it's harder to leave a marriage than a relationship that isn't marriage?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Ummm. Aren't you kind of saying being married gives people the ability to become lax in how they treat their partner because it's harder to leave a marriage than a relationship that isn't marriage?


It also means that you don't have to look your best whenever you two are together.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> Yes.
> 
> A popular example is one spouse has health insurance he/she can put a spouse on, but not a BF or GF.
> 
> I know people who have kept marriages for this reason, while both spouses cohabit w/ others.


This is one of the things I use to illustrate the differences between legal marriage and religious/social marriage.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> My first marriage was confining, and I wish I hadn't married her. It was unreasonably difficult, time consuming, and costly to get out of it, too. This marriage is liberating, even though we married mostly to obtain benefits - o/w, we wouldn't have needed to or bothered as things were (and are) great anyway.


This is my current legal wife and I. We only got the legal recognition for the legal benefits. 

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## MLAD (Sep 2, 2018)

2nd marriage. If I had to do it again I would have, NEVER, married either time. I don’t feel like being a contractual slave. The, ONLY, way I would consider it is IF the other person had WAY more financial resources than me. So that when D-Day comes, and it will, I don’t get screwed.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> If your partner works for a Catholic organization and you need the health insurance, you better be married. 2 years ago, even as I could barely breathe due to coming out of remission, I still couldn't make an appointment with anyone because my husband's employer withheld the health insurance until we produced the marriage certificate. *So much for the good Samaritan reputation of Catholic entities.........*


Well, if they made that exception for you, then they would have to make it for everyone, and then they would probably be unable to offer the insurance at all because people would try to take advantage of that.
It's not about being "good Samaritans", it's about being financially responsible so that those who are really allowed to be covered aren't denied because others are taking advantage of benefits they don't qualify for.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would like to add to my wife's posting in this thread the value of a loving spiritual and emotional commitment openly shared in the public presence of the people closest to us.

When she asked me why I loved her I shared that loving her was "good for my soul" but I also shared that being "good for one's soul is a two-way street and that I felt she knew my love for her was just as good for her... just as honest, just as true.

Marriage to me is a truth above truths, it is a promise shown in actions and not only words, that I am held in and to a series of promises shared in front of all that I will not take lightly, and I am afforded the pleasure of now being able to be appreciated for being and giving love as the man I am.

Could one do that without paper and rings? Sure, but the rings on our hands hold a different value in the promises that are kept with every glance and for me marriage is a lasting devotion and commitment, the ability to truly share "I know you and am promise-bound to you" and that alone combines the trinity of "I like you, I love you, and I trust you with all I am".

I doubt seriously if I would have had previous marriages if I understood then what I have learned now... I am blessed to have a love that marriage helped grow.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ok ok...so there are FINANCIAL benefits, I guess...but are there EMOTIONAL/relationship benefits to getting married again...??

NOT only commitment, but legal marriage. @Affaircare and @Emerging Buddhist beautifully explainted some...are there any others...?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> It also means that you don't have to look your best whenever you two are together.


So, you don't have to be on your best behavior OR look your best with a spouse, but if you are merely life partners _without the marriage certificate_ you do?

Well then I changed my original answer in this thread!!!!! Sign me up for the life partner for the next 35 years and not a spouse, if that's how it works (ie less effort in the relationship in your behaviors and physical presence because--- marriage certificate).


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> Well, @Emerging Buddhist and I met when we were 56yo and married when we were 57yo, so I think we are precisely your demographic! He had a marriage of almost 30 years, and I was divorced once and widowed once. So on one hand, I understand what you mean and agree that there can be commitment without the "paper." In fact, I told him that I thought of commitment as what is between us, and even though we are married, I want him to stay because he wants to be here...not out of obligation to some commitment.
> 
> And yet (and this is a big "and yet"), to me, getting married was not only commitment between us, but also PUBLIC commitment to each other in front of our family and friends. It's also LEGAL commitment to each other in front of "society" that yep, we are one unit. Now, the day-to-day acting out of the commitment is still between us, just as our parents' marriages and siblings' marriages about between them and their spouse. But to me, the public declaration and celebration is like an additional layer of family's joining together.
> 
> In the event of medical emergency or financial emergency, we know each other's wishes and we have to trust that the other will execute our wishes as we want...but you'd have that whether need to trust whether there was a marriage or not. WITH a marriage, now the other has the authority to do our wishes.





Emerging Buddhist said:


> I would like to add to my wife's posting in this thread the value of a loving spiritual and emotional commitment openly shared in the public presence of the people closest to us.
> 
> When she asked me why I loved her I shared that loving her was "good for my soul" but I also shared that being "good for one's soul is a two-way street and that I felt she knew my love for her was just as good for hers... just as honest, just as true.
> 
> ...


These are BEAUTIFUL responses and reasons!!! THANK YOU for posting them!!!!

(SEE why I want you two to adopt me?? Lol!)


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am with you @LisaDiane and @Openminded . soon to be divorced, I do not see any reason to complicate my life in the future by marrying again.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's not obvious to me that age, plans to parent, or prior divorce make marriage any more or less advantageous.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Interesting question LisaDiane!


There is always the old adage 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?' And no ladies, I'm not calling you cows! I think a lot of men feel that they don't need to marry anyone if the sex is easily obtained without commitment.

The number one reason that I'll remarry is because I've fallen in love with the woman I'm dating and will want to live with her for the rest of our lives. Sure, 'living with someone' for an extended period can be easily accomplished and I think I can do that if I have to. I think commitment can be achieved without the certificate too.

However, I personally would rather feel that special commitment that wearing a wedding band would bring to me as her protector-provider. And no, I'm not saying women can't protect or provide for themselves, because many can and do. I just want to ensure that I can be a helpmate that is totally committed to help bring happiness and security to the woman I love and to our relationship as a whole.

I want that circle of trust on my finger. I want to be proud to be my new wife's forever lover. I want to her to feel proud to have me as her husband. I want to feel the pride that having my wedding ring on her finger would bring to me. I want her to be able to look at her wedding band and feel my love and commitment, especially when we're apart.

After seeing my wedding band, I want to hear the sales clerk say to me 'Your wife is a lucky woman to have you as her husband; this is some lovely lingerie you are buying for her.'

Now, having said the above, I will not remarry anyone without first ensuring that we are COMPATIBLE in every way. If that means living together for a period of time, then, so be it!

Obviously, it takes two people to decide to marry. I will not beg or plead with the new love of my life to marry me. It will have to be her decision to enter into that lifetime commitment. If I have done my job, and she is happy with my performance as a partner, hopefully, she'll jump into my arms and ask me to marry her!

If the new love of my life happens to be a mail order girlfriend, access to Canadian Citizenship and free Canadian healthcare will be definite assets for her to become my wife.

Well, that's all I got for now. Flame away posters, flame away. LOL


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ah_sorandy said:


> Interesting question LisaDiane!
> 
> The number one reason that I'll remarry is because I've fallen in love with the woman I'm dating and will want to live with her for the rest of our lives.


I guess I do not believe in love for the rest of my life anymore.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> I guess I do not believe in love for the rest of my life anymore.


Sorry to hear that.

Am I too much of a naive romatic?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> I guess I do not believe in love for the rest of my life anymore.


And there's always the whole - if your parachute doesn't open the first two times you jump out of a plane...maybe you won't want to take that plunge and end up splattered all over the ground again...Lol!


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I would love to know what everyone on here thinks of this!
> 
> If you've already been divorced, and you aren't going to have children, WHAT is the incentive to remarry in your 40's or older...? What is the benefit...?? Why does it matter?
> 
> ...


I think you have a good point. Date, spend time together, have a romantic life together but many times each has their own kids, their own properties, willed assets going to their kids...etc. 
What is the actual benefit of legally confusing all of your assets and becoming beholden to lawyers and the courts if, for any reason, you each decide to go your separate ways?

It does seem like there isn't a need or advantage in that.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ah_sorandy said:


> Interesting question LisaDiane!
> 
> 
> There is always the old adage 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?' And no ladies, I'm not calling you cows! I think a lot of men feel that they don't need to marry anyone if the sex is easily obtained without commitment.
> ...


Nice answer!!!

"Mail order bride" made me laugh...!! Lol!


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> And there's always the whole - if your parachute doesn't open the first two times you jump out of a plane...maybe you won't want to take that plunge and end up splattered all over the ground again...Lol!


That splattered feeling takes more than an Anacin to recover from.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Well, if you think about how you view the different descriptions / titles given to the people with the different relationship statuses.

As for spouses, the majority of people aren't going to have more than one or two. As for BF/GF for many people there's a good chance that there were that many before they were actually an adult.

When someone seeks advice on how to handle some kind of problem in a relationship, the advice for just a monogamous non-spousal relationship often starts with, "Well since you aren't married..." and ends with quiting the relationship.

I know that I view a BF/GF relationship as more fragile and less committed than a spousal relationship but that might be my naivete showing. I think there is a real tangible difference between deciding that you aren't going to date other people and deciding that you're going to get married. Something beyond being Facebook official. If I end up in a relationship with someone that I love and trust, I wouldn't have any problem declaring before God (or anthropomorphic personification of the Universe if you prefer) and man that there might be many women in the world but THIS one is MINE and I am HERS. Displaying at all times our culturally agreed upon symbol of my unavailability and dedication to this one relationship (IE a ring).

The bar to get to that point is going to be different at 40+ than it was at 25 because I have made that commitment and it ended. I still think the institution is often painted in a poor light because of the people that enter into it instead of on its own merit. I wouldn't necessarily expect the day to day activities and interactions within the relationship to change much if at all. I would expect that the problems to be approached more seriously and dealt with with more effort.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I do not think non-married relationship is neccessary weaker. It means that once married people will stay in not satisfying relationship because divorce is big pain.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ah_sorandy said:


> Sorry to hear that.
> 
> Am I too much of a naive romatic?


Well, I would say that you are definitely a romantic. However, that doesn’t mean you won’t find what you want. I hope that you do. 

I don’t know that I ever was a romantic but now I’m sure I’m not. One very long and dysfunctional marriage was enough for me. I just don’t see that the positives outweigh the negatives at this point.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Well, I would say that you are definitely a romantic. However, that doesn’t mean you won’t find what you want. I hope that you do.
> 
> I don’t know that I ever was a romantic but now I’m sure I’m not. One very long and dysfunctional marriage was enough for me. I just don’t see that the positives outweigh the negatives at this point.


I just got that mene on facebook yesterday:
There are two types of women: those that still believe in love and those who already got themselves a cat...,


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> I just got that mene on facebook yesterday:
> There are two types of women: those that still believe in love and those who already got themselves a cat...,


I have an answer for that, but the fear of being banned has me muzzled for my own good.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LOL!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> Ok ok...so there are FINANCIAL benefits, I guess...but are there EMOTIONAL/relationship benefits to getting married again...??
> 
> NOT only commitment, but legal marriage. @Affaircare and @Emerging Buddhist beautifully explained some...are there any others...?


Well since I currently define my relationship as uncommitted marriage, I'm not really getting my emotional need for Security met. Also my emotional need for intimate conversation .. . . . . .


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> There are two types of women: those that still believe in love and those who already got themselves a cat...


Amen to that! I have my third Cornish Rex cat ("Tater Tot")😺😸 and she gives me far more joy and laughter than any man ever did. Of course, having married two alcoholics, I can testify that my man-picker is broken anyway ...


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Amen to that! I have my third Cornish Rex cat ("Tater Tot")😺😸 and she gives me far more joy and laughter than any man ever did. Of course, having married two alcoholics, I can testify that my man-picker is broken anyway ...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> There is always the old adage 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?' And no ladies, I'm not calling you cows! I think a lot of men feel that they don't need to marry anyone if the sex is easily obtained without commitment.


And sometimes it makes you a father whether you wanted to be or not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I marrried my now husband when we were both in our late 40's.We had both previously had long first marriages. Apart from our faith its because I greatly value marriage, I think its very important to make that committment before family and friends. Also I am not interested in living with a man who isnt committed enough to marry me. If he doesnt want to get married then we wouldnt live together. or even date. Marriage is far more than just a 'piece of paper', that is merely the legal proof that the marriage has taken place. 
I also think that getting married sets a good example to my children and grandchildren. A man who cant be bothered to make a committment in marriage is very unnappealing to me. I would give him a wide berth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, I'm somewhat disqualified from commenting because of the religious notation on the OP.

I will say that I have only been married once and it will be until death do us part so I hope to not have this issue.

I honestly don't know if I would marry again if Mrs. C passed, may God forbid, but I do know I wouldn't be having sex until I was married again regardless.

I honestly don't know the motivation to be married outside of some religious belief in the first place if I'm being honest.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I don’t think everyone is cut out for marriage. I‘m not — my life is very good as it is — so I have no interest in trying again.


Same here. It holds no fascination for me anymore.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A friend of the family is getting married for the first time in his life at 65 years old.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Here's one of my problems, though...WHY take that vow again after breaking at least one of the exact same vows you made previously...?? It seems disingenuous to me, and FAKE. I told my mom before my second marriage, when she and my husband were trying to talk me into marrying him, that I would consider it if I could change the vows from "until death do us part", to, "until I don't feel like it anymore"...of course, we didn't, and I gave in, and yada yada yada...

I LOVE marriage - I'm made for commitment!! But if I can't keep my vows, I just don't see what the point to it is...I don't need money or insurance...I'd be happy living in a tent by the ocean (or anywhere!)!

How do people who have been divorced find the faith IN THEMSELVES for marriage again...?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Well, I'm somewhat disqualified from commenting because of the religious notation on the OP.
> 
> I will say that I have only been married once and it will be until death do us part so I hope to not have this issue.
> 
> ...


You're not disqualified! SEE...? I bolded the part that matters - it's your answer!! Thanks!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well since I currently define my relationship as uncommitted marriage, I'm not really getting my emotional need for Security met. Also my emotional need for intimate conversation .. . . . . .


Is this REAL...do you mean this - "uncommitted marriage"...? What is that?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Is this REAL...do you mean this - "uncommitted marriage"...? What is that?


Marriage of convenience?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ah_sorandy said:


> Marriage of convenience?


Or Open Marriage maybe...?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> A friend of the family is getting married for the first time in his life at 65 years old.


Let me guess... He has MONEY, and is marrying a 25 year old.!!!.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> Is this REAL...do you mean this - "uncommitted marriage"...? What is that?


it is exactly why I don't recommend marriage. People change. Where there was love there is indifference. You have no idea when the axe is going to fall. And maintaining your partner's emotional needs is an inconvenience at best. 
It's marriage with no agreement to do anything but stay married. I have no Idea what her motivation is. I'm pretty sure she isn't going to tell me. 
There was a comment earlier about wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. That sounds so romantic. But the brutal honest truth is that 20 years is average, 30 years is rare, Most people CAN'T stay together that long. Most just cheat. I'm just weird.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I asked my husband about this, as he has been married before, I have not. He simply said that it's because he believes in marriage. When we're apart and he looks down and sees his wedding band, it makes him happy. He regrets not listening to his gut prior to his first marriage, and says they never should have gotten married. He doesn't consider the marriage a failure, because he wouldn't have his daughter without it, but if he could do it over again he wouldn't.

He said when he met me he "just knew" that I was it, lol. He can't explain why, he just did. We've been happily married now for longer than he was to his first wife. I guess sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.

Of course, he said all that in pretty much two sentences...I'm just expanding on it...because that's what I do bahahahaha.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> I DO like this non-answer...but is it YOUR opinion...??
> 
> Maybe I need to add a political component to the question to get a more descriptive answer (complete with memes!)...?? Lol!!!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> It also means that you don't have to look your best whenever you two are together.


Maybe a better way of "looking" at this is that your partner is seeing the long view, your track record, and you don't have to be on guard every moment? I believe our partners do deserve our very best, and that it's wonderful they can look past a lesser effort when they know we've been beaten down. But we should still be trying.


WandaJ said:


> I guess I do not believe in love for the rest of my life anymore.


Do you think it took a marriage that failed (that sounds bad, but how else to put it?) to get to that place? Did the concept of marriage create an unrealistic or unmet expecation?


WandaJ said:


> I do not think non-married relationship is neccessary weaker. It means that once married people will stay in not satisfying relationship because divorce is big pain.


Is it also possible that it's generally easier for previously-married people to divorce because, in many (most?) cases, there are no longer biologically-shared kids involved?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Well, I would say that you are definitely a romantic. However, that doesn’t mean you won’t find what you want. I hope that you do.
> 
> I don’t know that I ever was a romantic but now I’m sure I’m not. One very long and dysfunctional marriage was enough for me. I just don’t see that the positives outweigh the negatives at this point.


I cant understand why one bad experience puts people off doing it again.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Too many people believe in . . . . seem to need . . . just obstinately insist on a new biologically shared child. Hell of a thing to do to an innocent kid.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Maybe a better way of "looking" at this is that your partner is seeing the long view, your track record, and you don't have to be on guard every moment? I believe our partners do deserve our very best, and that it's wonderful they can look past a lesser effort when they know we've been beaten down. But we should still be trying.


there is the promise of "through sickness and good health."

people (like my family) tell me I'm lucky to have met someone just as I start cancer treatments and still wants to marry. Those were the early days. these I'm bald and have had some problems controlling my bowels. diarrhea is one of the main side effects of cancer drugs.

How many of you guys would have hung in there?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sickness hasn't actually been a problem. Sometimes it's easier to have something outside to focus your attention on. Someone who can face a challenge is valuable. Someone who will stick with you when things are good enough to afford a bit of straying is another thing altogether.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

@Casual Observer 
it definitely took failed marriage plus looking around at other couples. Most of them are together because they either scared of divorce or financial consequences. 
when you see couple that seems to enjoy each other, you usually learn they’ve been together just few years...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I cant understand why one bad experience puts people off doing it again.


Because we’re all different. We don’t want the same things in life and that’s okay. My marriage was very long and very dysfunctional. I prefer the peace and quiet and, most of all, freedom that I have now. My life is finally my own for the first time and I have no interest in giving that up. We should choose what makes us happy. You prefer marriage. I don’t.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> Here's one of my problems, though...WHY take that vow again after breaking at least one of the exact same vows you made previously...?? It seems disingenuous to me, and FAKE. I told my mom before my second marriage, when she and my husband were trying to talk me into marrying him, that I would consider it if I could change the vows from "until death do us part", to, "until I don't feel like it anymore"...of course, we didn't, and I gave in, and yada yada yada...
> 
> I LOVE marriage - I'm made for commitment!! But if I can't keep my vows, I just don't see what the point to it is...I don't need money or insurance...I'd be happy living in a tent by the ocean (or anywhere!)!
> 
> How do people who have been divorced find the faith IN THEMSELVES for marriage again...?


I see it the same way, especially when people divorce just because one is tired of the person and there are no big issues. They stood looking gaga once saying “til death do us part,” so what is so special about the second time? Sure, it may turn out great, but the vows seems kinda pointless


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I cant understand why one bad experience puts people off doing it again.


What if it's TWO bad experiences...??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

southbound said:


> I see it the same way, especially when people divorce just because one is tired of the person and there are no big issues. They stood looking gaga once saying “til death do us part,” so what is so special about the second time? Sure, it may turn out great, but the vows seems kinda pointless


Right...like at what point do I just admit to myself - I'm a big fat liar...?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I cant understand why one bad experience puts people off doing it again.


That's making the assumption that everyone desires a relationship and wants the married life. I don't think everyone is cut out for marriage, and I think being married and divorced sometimes proves to people that they don't care for that lifestyle; they discover that they enjoy the peace and tranquility of being alone and in charge of their own experiences. For some, the positives are not worth the work it takes to maintain a relationship. If that is not how a person is wired, I know it is something they will never understand.

I was around a group of guys lately, and they started sharing wife stories that all men have. As far as I know, all of them are content with their marriage, but they all shared a lot of the "you know how women are" stories. Their topics were on moods, money, home decoration, etc. I feel like they are content in their marriages, but there were still some typical frustrations that it helped to vent with each other and be able to say, "you know what I'm talking about."

I'm sitting there realizing that I don't have to endure any of that.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> View attachment 70665


Hey, drop that sand, turn around, get on your knees! You are under arrest for beach threats and failure to be wearing a mask during a pandemic.!!!. LOL


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Right...like at what point do I just admit to myself - I'm a big fat liar...?


Liar maybe, 'big fat' NOT at all, especially if you look anything like the lady in your avatar!

Actually, you are not a liar either.!!!. You have been mistreated, causing you to have your current feelings.

Sorry, I don't want you to feel bad about yourself.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> What if it's TWO bad experiences...??


That's where it starts getting into the territory of, what are you doing wrong. Starting, mind you. But if something negative always happens, then odds are it's not others.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> What if it's TWO bad experiences...??


Just maybe, your third experience will have you hitting the jackpot.

There has to be someone out there that'll make bad into good, maybe even excellent!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> That's where it starts getting into the territory of, what are you doing wrong. Starting, mind you. But if something negative always happens, then odds are it's not others.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


One more reason not to marry again


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> One more reason not to marry again


Or learn what you are doing wrong and correct it. That is what happened in my case.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Because we’re all different. We don’t want the same things in life and that’s okay. My marriage was very long and very dysfunctional. I prefer the peace and quiet and, most of all, freedom that I have now. My life is finally my own for the first time and I have no interest in giving that up. We should choose what makes us happy. You prefer marriage. I don’t.


My marriage too was long, 25 years and ended very suddenly and very traumatically. I feel free and relaxed in my marriage so maybe thats the difference. I am also an optimistic person who has hope, and realised that not all men are like my first husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Or learn what you are doing wrong and correct it. That is what happened in my case.


Absolutely, and look for different things in the second spouse. I had very strict criteria for any man I was to marry, not with looks or money or surface things like that, but with integrity and character and strong moral values and honestly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> @Casual Observer
> it definitely took failed marriage plus looking around at other couples. Most of them are together because they either scared of divorce or financial consequences.
> when you see couple that seems to enjoy each other, you usually learn they’ve been together just few years...


I must be fortunate because I know so many good and happy long marriages. Some more than 40 years.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> Or learn what you are doing wrong and correct it. That is what happened in my case.


You have missed out one of life's great joys, blame. 

How sad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm not married and divorced or widowed, so you may not want my response, but just from what I've seen, a lot of people don't want to get their financial affairs tangled up with someone else. Seems to me that a lot of those who do want to, it's because they are not secure financially and are looking to secure themselves. Now, realize I am talking about an older demographic, when women couldn't earn much, not today's 40-year-olds. 

Other reasons for not marrying include that it often upsets the children and makes them start squabbling about Wills and finances, because it's common to leave everything to the spouse and then they are to leave it to the kids when they go -- and lots of kids weren't counting on having to wait or don't trust the spouse to follow through, and sometimes with good reason. The survivor may fritter the money away. Of course, there's practical ways to do right by the kids by just putting it in the will, but then if the survivor isn't left anything, will they think that is fair to them? Certainly they should be able to keep staying in the house, but what if the house is the only asset? So it's just complicated. 

The one good reason to marry going into old age is depending, I guess, what country you live in, you may have no right to see or make decisions for your spouse when he or she is hospitalized. Yes, if they're conscious and thinking clearly, they can sign a Power of Attorney, but what if they aren't? What if they are in a wreck and are on life support or unconscious? Typically the spouse would be who makes those decisions and knows their wishes. Children are not always living even in the same state and often don't know what the wishes of their parent is or exactly what they've been going through physically on a day to day basis. In fact, parents will often try to conceal their infirmities from their kids so they don't shuttle them off to the nursing home. 

So it's complicated. One thing is certain, you sure don't want to marry someone you truly don't know well enough to thoroughly trust with your business when you're older. And there are puh-lenty of bottom feeders out there looking to butter up and take advantage of an elderly person. I had to swat them away from my dad like flies in his old age because he enjoyed the company, even though the company was writing themselves checks on his account (how I found out).


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> And there's always the whole - if your parachute doesn't open the first two times you jump out of a plane...maybe you won't want to take that plunge and end up splattered all over the ground again...Lol!


Like love, you cannot jump (marry) without trust, you cannot panic when when a canopy (relationship) malfunctions, always take a moment to breathe in the playground (the area of suspension while descending where you get the time to appreciate the being together) you never intentionally steer into obstacles (choices), and accept that you may not always land on your feet at the end of your final 15 seconds before your feet touch terra firma (end of a marriage however it is met though choice or natural end-of-life).

That is why you have a reserve canopy called divorce... it's not pretty when you have to use it but at least you walk away mostly intact.

I have had to use reserves, the lessons learned were worth the carry...


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> You have missed out one of life's great joys, blame.
> 
> How sad.


Self blame is just as valid as blaming others......


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm not married and divorced or widowed, so you may not want my response, but just from what I've seen, a lot of people don't want to get their financial affairs tangled up with someone else. Seems to me that a lot of those who do want to, it's because they are not secure financially and are looking to secure themselves. Now, realize I am talking about an older demographic, when women couldn't earn much, not today's 40-year-olds.
> 
> Other reasons for not marrying include that it often upsets the children and makes them start squabbling about Wills and finances, because it's common to leave everything to the spouse and then they are to leave it to the kids when they go -- and lots of kids weren't counting on having to wait or don't trust the spouse to follow through, and sometimes with good reason. The survivor may fritter the money away. Of course, there's practical ways to do right by the kids by just putting it in the will, but then if the survivor isn't left anything, will they think that is fair to them? Certainly they should be able to keep staying in the house, but what if the house is the only asset? So it's just complicated.
> 
> ...


Sure I do - I want everyone's thoughts on this! You make some great points, too!! Thanks!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Here's one of my problems, though...WHY take that vow again after breaking at least one of the exact same vows you made previously...?? It seems disingenuous to me, and FAKE. I told my mom before my second marriage, when she and my husband were trying to talk me into marrying him, that I would consider it if I could change the vows from "until death do us part", to, "until I don't feel like it anymore"...of course, we didn't, and I gave in, and yada yada yada...
> 
> I LOVE marriage - I'm made for commitment!! But if I can't keep my vows, I just don't see what the point to it is...I don't need money or insurance...I'd be happy living in a tent by the ocean (or anywhere!)!
> 
> How do people who have been divorced find the faith IN THEMSELVES for marriage again...?


My first marriage was in a church and the vows were fully traditional and "until death do us part" and it was used as a "get out of jail free card" for driving us into near bankruptcy twice... behaviors have to match promises and in a sense, death of trust came and we certainly parted. 

My second was "as long as you both shall love" and ended in unfaithfulness when I caught her in bed with another, an obvious end of love where she lost her love for herself before losing it from me.

My third lasted 28 years and it was another "as long as you both shall love"... but she lost love after 7 she said and she just marked time according to her letting me know she had zero interest in making it better that required effort on her part as I worked over a decade to improve myself for the both of us... it was not time wasted.

All that work and when my last divorce came I was the best me I had ever been... scoffed to the end but the rewards fully manifested when I let go of all that was hurting me on a stormy PNW beach in February when my divorce was to be final. It was that weekend that I understood love as it was meant to be shared for me... several months later I embraced love as it was meant.

That was a little over two years ago now... the best love I have ever experienced but it would never have come if I didn't have enough faith to understand what love I needed and trust the process.

Doors open and close for all reasons... trust them.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I have been thinking about this since divorcing at 62. The men I see on various dating sites or even men I personally am introduced to want long term relationships or marriage. I understand loneliness as you get older, financial issues, etc etc. But after such a long marriage, it would have to be perfect and I mean perfect circumstances. Definitely a prenup, iron clad agreements, and so on would definitely be needed. I can't really think about dealing with someone else's kids/grandkids. Scares the crap out of me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gold5932 said:


> I have been thinking about this since divorcing at 62. The men I see on various dating sites or even men I personally am introduced to want long term relationships or marriage. I understand loneliness as you get older, financial issues, etc etc. But after such a long marriage, it would have to be perfect and I mean perfect circumstances. Definitely a prenup, iron clad agreements, and so on would definitely be needed. I can't really think about dealing with someone else's kids/grandkids. Scares the crap out of me.


Being step dad to my adult children and thoroughly enjoying our precious grandchildren(his step grandchldren), is one of my husbands greatest joys. Especially as his family is all boys and he now has two daughters and two beautiful grandaughters as well as an extra son and grandson.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

gold5932 said:


> I have been thinking about this since divorcing at 62. The men I see on various dating sites or even men I personally am introduced to want long term relationships or marriage. I understand loneliness as you get older, financial issues, etc etc. But after such a long marriage, it would have to be perfect and I mean perfect circumstances. Definitely a prenup, iron clad agreements, and so on would definitely be needed. I can't really think about dealing with someone else's kids/grandkids. Scares the crap out of me.


I was a couple of years older than you when I finally divorced. I also ran into men my age who were searching for a new wife to take care of them. I had no interest in doing that ever again. Nor did I wish to deal with their adult children and grandchildren. My own family keeps me totally engaged. I didn’t, and don’t, want to take someone else’s family on. Life is good just as it is.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Openminded said:


> I was a couple of years older than you when I finally divorced. I also ran into men my age who were searching for a new wife to take care of them. I had no interest in doing that ever again. Nor did I wish to deal with their adult children and grandchildren. My own family keeps me totally engaged. I didn’t, and don’t, want to take someone else’s family on. Life is good just as it is.


I don't understand all of this. The way people think. I understand that we all think different. 

I was never looking for someone to take care of me, and I am 56 so younger than some. I really had not necessarily wanted to get into a relationship, but then I had not NOT wanted to get in a relationship. I did want to stop sleeping around, it was really getting old, so maybe I was looking and did not realize it. Good question...

I never thought about someone taking care of me, I thought that in a relationship you took care of each other. 

With, me and Fiancé, I don't know maybe we are just so different that some others. Our sex life is great, our relationship is great, it all seems super good. Overall we both agree it has never been this good with anyone else. 

It feel natural. 

Now when to get married... I just don't know when, and neither does she.

It does clear up some financial stuff, which is important. But with wills and paper work that stuff can be cleared up anyway. 

I don't know why we want to get married except to let the world know that we are in love. I know that is corny... but this is kind of how I feel. 

But honestly I cant really think of another reason than that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> I don't understand all of this. The way people think. I understand that we all think different.
> 
> I was never looking for someone to take care of me, and I am 56 so younger than some. I really had not necessarily wanted to get into a relationship, but then I had not NOT wanted to get in a relationship. I did want to stop sleeping around, it was really getting old, so maybe I was looking and did not realize it. Good question...
> 
> ...


Yes, everyone is different. Sometimes very different. I am definitely not a romantic (possibly you are) and wasn’t one even when I was young. I’m older than you are and many/most of the men of my generation are used to being taken care of. Are there exceptions to that? Of course. But I have never personally known those exceptions so my experience is based on what I know.

I had a very long marriage that was spent working full time in a demanding field and also taking care of my husband while he didn’t reciprocate any of that care at all. Never. I accepted it for what it was — an unequal pairing — because at the time I believed marriage was forever. Now I don’t hold that viewpoint. I was very young when I got married and I had no idea what it would be like. Difficult doesn’t come close to describing those decades.

My point is that not everyone thrives in marriage. I’m one who didn’t and I very much prefer the life I have now. There are many like me just as there are many like you. We don’t all have to think the same🙂.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I don't understand all of this. The way people think. I understand that we all think different.
> 
> I was never looking for someone to take care of me, and I am 56 so younger than some. I really had not necessarily wanted to get into a relationship, but then I had not NOT wanted to get in a relationship. I did want to stop sleeping around, it was really getting old, so maybe I was looking and did not realize it. Good question...
> 
> ...


Exactly, I don't need anybody to 'take care of me!' I can take care of myself. I do my own laundry, I can clean, I can cook, I load and unload the dishwasher, scrub pots and pans, I even press and bake my own Christmas cookies. I'm a domesticated man most women should want. LOL

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do illicit drugs. I do sometimes like to take risks in life by going flying etc. I love doing spin recoveries! Skydiving is on my bucket list. Maybe I could combined both by taking aerobatic flight training. 

However, I do have the need for speed! I do take my fast car on the highway and let loose, however I always slow down when I come upon other traffic! Someday soon, I hope to drive a real NASCAR!

Luckily, I haven't stopped a bullet yet, as I would not hesitate to try and stop a bank robbery. Just a recurring dream I've had for many years. I survive every time. LOL

So, what's my point? I can do what it takes to have fun. The only thing missing would be having a lady to share my experiences with and to have fun with in bed, and anywhere else she deems as a valid playground. 

I guess I'm a romantic for wanting to be married to the woman I love. I guess I'm corny that way too. The circles of trust on our fingers would mean something to me!

I could handle just living together too. Married or not, it's about loving and taking care of EACH OTHER. It's about being helpmates, friends, soulmates and sex partners. You can do all that without the certificate.!!!.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm almost 2 years out from my 2nd divorce and have a great bf who's never been married.

At this point I'm kind of ambivalent about it.....not necessarily opposed to remarrying but could probably live without it.

I make good money and have my own assets so I'm not sure why I'd want to risk that.

But I suppose I could change my mind. Fortunately for me marriage hasn't come up.....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was 36 when I divorced and very nearly 39 when I met my SO. I was rather ambivalent about ever marrying again. I was perfectly happy to have a loving, committed, fantastic relationship. I didn't need more and remarrying wasn't really on my radar.

But, 5 years later, my fella wants to get married. It's important to him. He also wants to make sure I'm taken care of if anything ever happens to him. That, too, is important to him. Even though he's realistically aware that I am perfectly capable of, and situated to, take very nice care of myself.

And, the longer we're together, the more I can see the charm of marrying him. It doesn't feel confining or like I'm giving up something. It's not a sacrifice - for either of us. Rather it's a very public statement that we two are fully committed to one another, and to no others. Plus, neither of us are blind to the legal, social, and practical ease of being married rather than simply happily partnered.

So, we're engaged and getting married in November.

I think part of it, too, might be our need for orderliness. Perhaps it would be different if there were other words for committed opposite sex-partners who live together and are fully financially, socially and familial-y entwined. But there really aren't, as yet. "Girlfriend/Boyfriend" might mean "dating 4 months" or "living together for 10 years". There's no very clearly and widely recognized indication of permanence or status in being someone's girlfriend or boyfriend. "Partner" too, has it's issues. Does that mean law partner, business partner, life partner? A few months, a few years, a few decades? But "wife/husband" still has a clearly socially defined meaning. It conveys a relationship status, a mark of permanence, still easily recognizable to the wider world, that other terms seem to lack. It just feels more solid to us, somehow.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Rowan said:


> I was 36 when I divorced and very nearly 39 when I met my SO. I was rather ambivalent about ever marrying again. I was perfectly happy to have a loving, committed, fantastic relationship. I didn't need more and remarrying wasn't really on my radar.
> 
> But, 5 years later, my fella wants to get married. It's important to him. He also wants to make sure I'm taken care of if anything ever happens to him. That, too, is important to him. Even though he's realistically aware that I am perfectly capable of, and situated to, take very nice care of myself.
> 
> ...


Do either of you have children? Because that could complicate things.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rowan said:


> I was 36 when I divorced and very nearly 39 when I met my SO. I was rather ambivalent about ever marrying again. I was perfectly happy to have a loving, committed, fantastic relationship. I didn't need more and remarrying wasn't really on my radar.
> 
> But, 5 years later, my fella wants to get married. It's important to him. He also wants to make sure I'm taken care of if anything ever happens to him. That, too, is important to him. Even though he's realistically aware that I am perfectly capable of, and situated to, take very nice care of myself.
> 
> ...


This is a really good way to put it. 

I like the part about a public commitment.

I don't know why, I guess I really am old fashioned.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Openminded said:


> I was a couple of years older than you when I finally divorced. I also ran into men my age who were searching for a new wife to take care of them. I had no interest in doing that ever again. Nor did I wish to deal with their adult children and grandchildren. My own family keeps me totally engaged. I didn’t, and don’t, want to take someone else’s family on. Life is good just as it is.


Men like that seem so weird to me. I remember a time when my head was just high enough to look in the coldcut drawer in the fridge getting out sliced cheese or lunchmeat when I was hungry. Before you get your driver's license or a real job the only way to be sure that you have cookies is to make them yourself, so I did. If there was some chore around the house that I in some way admitted that I couldn't do or I wanted someone else to do them for me (every day/week/month ones at least) I would think less of myself.

Having said that, there are women out there looking to take care of someone (at least theoretically). My independence and self-reliance made the top 5 for the reasons my ex wanted out of our marriage. I didn't rely on her to do anything and that bothered her. Apparently a lot. We live in a fairly culturally conservative area so if she does form another relationship there is a good chance she'll get the chance to take care of someone.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Hiner112 said:


> Men like that seem so weird to me. I remember a time when my head was just high enough to look in the coldcut drawer in the fridge getting out sliced cheese or lunchmeat when I was hungry. Before you get your driver's license or a real job the only way to be sure that you have cookies is to make them yourself, so I did. If there was some chore around the house that I in some way admitted that I couldn't do or I wanted someone else to do them for me (every day/week/month ones at least) I would think less of myself.
> 
> Having said that, there are women out there looking to take care of someone (at least theoretically). My independence and self-reliance made the top 5 for the reasons my ex wanted out of our marriage. I didn't rely on her to do anything and that bothered her. Apparently a lot. We live in a fairly culturally conservative area so if she does form another relationship there is a good chance she'll get the chance to take care of someone.


I agree. I never understood this but I know it is real. 

I never needed anyone to take care of me, I usually take care of everyone else. 

I would rather do the cooking, it is just easier that way. 

I don't want someone to NOT take care of me, but I am not looking to be "taken care of". 

Frankly ladies, I am a way better cook than most woman, I can clean, it is not an obsession or anything at all but I can get by. 

For me, and I guess I am a hopeless romantic, I just want to be loved. Really loved. 

I think I am turning into a girl... No offense...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

GC1234 said:


> Do either of you have children? Because that could complicate things.


We both have grown children. And we're currently in the process of setting all the correct legal stuff in place to protect their inheritances. The short version is that my son will get all my family property and assets. His children will get all of his family property and assets. Our joint assets will go to whichever of us survives the other, then the three children will equally divide whatever is left once we are both gone. 

It's actually not super complicated for people with averagely complex finances to protect their children's interests when they remarry. It's just that way too many people don't.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So the whole being taken care of thing. I'm not 100% sure it has anything to do with a marriage certificate. My experience is likely coloring my perception. But I do have one bad habit. 
Here is a breakdown of care taking in our relationship.
Meals and cooking. Everyone takes care of their own breakfast and lunch, because we don't agree much on schedules and menu. Whoever is home first makes dinner including deciding the menu. If you don't like the menu you are on your own. We do like to eat out together.
Laundry. do your own, but if you have room for others stuff you should include it. You are never obligated to fold anyone's clothes. Mrs Nail has gone months living out of a basket.
Cleaning, do it together if you can fit in the room. We do split a lot of this by personal interest/ distaste.
Yard and lawn. see cleaning. With one funny (weird) exception. Mrs N. Does the home yard, I do the property yard. 
NO Nagging!
Driving, if it's your car, you drive it. and maintain it. Loaning is possible but rare.
Emotional Needs. Ignore mostly , but see sex.
Sex, if you can manage to arrange to be in bed and in the mood at the same time, you are allowed to share bodies in any way you want. But full consent rules. No expectations, No Nagging.
So after all of that I do have one bad habit. I really like it when people bring me something to drink. (teetotaler so sans alcohol) I ask way too often, and I really like it. Whenever someone says here in this thread that men like/need/want to be taken care of, I feel a twinge of guilt about drinks.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I would never remarry. Not at this stage of my life. actually I wouldn't even bring in another woman to live in my house. First thing she would try to do is to remove all pictures of my wife. No way.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I would never remarry. Not at this stage of my life. actually I wouldn't even bring in another woman to live in my house. First thing she would try to do is to remove all pictures of my wife. No way.


Your wife? I'm confused..


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

This is an interesting phenomenon.

One hot afternoon, when a then-boyfriend was changing out his brakes in my garage, I brought him ice water.

When he saw me, he froze. He didn't speak. He just stood in front of me and looked at it.

He eventually took it, but the look on his face was like I had done something otherworldly and out of character.

Later that day, we went out to eat, and while waiting for our food, he said, 'You really are a nice person.'

I was somewhat shocked and offended that this was a revelation to him. 😒



Mr. Nail said:


> *I really like it when people bring me something to drink.* (teetotaler so sans alcohol) I ask way too often, and I really like it. Whenever someone says here in this thread that men like/need/want to be taken care of, I feel a twinge of guilt about drinks.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

minimalME said:


> This is an interesting phenomenon.
> 
> One hot afternoon, when a then-boyfriend was changing out his brakes in my garage, I brought him ice water.
> 
> ...


 Yeah, don't be shocked. Those of us that have been abused... it take as minute to get our head around it. 

I have told my F, that I never had "what ever the thing she did for us, the house or me" before. 

Sometimes I cry a little. 

I really am becoming a girl, no offense...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Your wife? I'm confused..


Is all hypothetical: if I were to be a widower/divorce. I'm still very much marry with to my wonderful wife. But if she were to pass, what I said before stands.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> I agree. I never understood this but I know it is real.
> 
> I never needed anyone to take care of me, I usually take care of everyone else.
> 
> ...



I'm a darn good cook...I'd take you on.

But I'd also be happy to let you cook 

On a serious note, i think the not needing someone part frees everyone up to be with someone they really like, and in my mind that can only be a good thing.

One who doesn't need you is there because they want to be.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I remarried (first marriage 30 yrs). For us, it just seemed right. I just didn't feel like we were one without being married, but I'm in my mid-50's so maybe I have an old fashioned view of it. She never mentioned it, she was independent and doing very well on her own despite an asshat of an XH. She's on my health insurance now (better than what she had) and has all of the legal benefits of being my wife, which was an important consideration as we plan our retirement together. My adult children like having "second mom" in their lives as well. I made sure to have an updated Will to protect my children's inheritance while protecting my wife's future if I go before her. All in all, so far it's working but I never imagined or planned on having a second woman in my life in the first place. If this marriage doesn't work then I won't do a round three, but so far so great!

ETA: The health insurance was important, she can retire early now and have coverage whereas before it would have been very expensive for us. Not saying that's the main reason just a consideration. If we had not married and she retired so we could travel, it would have been much harder financially for her, especially if I died first. Now she keeps my insurance as long as we are married and then after I'm gone. Can't help it I'm a planner.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I'd like to know, where are you finding all these people to date? If I tell an older man, I don't wish to get married so soon, I like fast cars, I take care of myself and only want to date, that's the kiss of death. And when they find out I own and work at my company, it freaks them out.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Rowan said:


> We both have grown children. And we're currently in the process of setting all the correct legal stuff in place to protect their inheritances. The short version is that my son will get all my family property and assets. His children will get all of his family property and assets. Our joint assets will go to whichever of us survives the other, then the three children will equally divide whatever is left once we are both gone.
> 
> It's actually not super complicated for people with averagely complex finances to protect their children's interests when they remarry. It's just that way too many people don't.


Ok, at least you're smart enough to make sure you get everything in writing legally. Many people don't, and it turns out disastrously.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

gold5932 said:


> I'd like to know, where are you finding all these people to date? If I tell an older man, I don't wish to get married so soon, I like fast cars, I take care of myself and only want to date, that's the kiss of death. And when they find out I own and work at my company, it freaks them out.


I found mine on Match.com. 

We're both successful professionals who weren't rushing to get married. And we both _love_ fast cars. 😉


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I've been divorced a short time, and am seeing someone I'm in love with and see the potential for it to develop into something substantial, however, I'm ambivalent about the whole marriage/living together conundrum. I've been married twice already... the first time around we were WAY too young (20) and had no business getting married, it was very stupid. It was nearly 7 yrs until I remarried, even though I met my 2nd ex-h very soon after my first divorce, I took it so slowly not wanting to make the same mistake, even though marriage was discussed very early on. We had problems, but I didn't expect marriage to be a bed of roses, we weathered hard times (job losses, death in the family, illness, etc) and thought it was just part of the cycle and things would look up again if we weathered the storm. I forgave him for past indiscretions (too easily probably - I loved the bloody man) and was willing to forgive him this time until I discovered the full extent of his betrayal. 

I believe in marriage, and till death do us part and promises made/kept, etc, but not in being a doormat if those vows are one-sided. I'm not worried about "giving milk for free", sexual connection is VERY important to me, so ain't no way around test driving, but at the same time, I don't want to screw around with the herd. I don't have/can't have children, a man's financial status is not particularly important to me unless he expects more than he can give - I want a true partnership. I want someone to love and believe in me who is as committed to me as I am to them, and an indefinite bf/gf relationship, or even living together just doesn't say that to me. 

Thanks for starting this thread, Lisa. It's definitely given me something to think about because I have to consider what I truly want before things get too intense, and it's getting there faster than I expected.


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

I was with my wife for 19 years. Almost 5 years ago I walked out. I just had enough of a marriage I never should have gotten into in the first place. Looking back there were signs but I was in love so I overlooked certain things. I suppose I was younger and maybe not as wise back then..not that I'm wise now but I've learned about life. I'm now 51 years old and still separated. I don't have any plans to ever remarry. Even when I married at 26 years ago I made it know to family, friends and even my wife that marriage for me is "once and done". Maybe it's because one of my coworkers was on his 4th marriage or maybe because even then so many marriages ended in divorce. So like my own parents and every one of my friends every single one ended in divorce. I think if you go back 100 years or longer the world was different. I don't put down anyone who gives marriage a second or third or fourth try. It just seems like the actual outcome of getting remarried seldom lives up to the ideal it represents. But for some people I suppose it turns out well. My mom is still very happy remarried for about 18 years now. My dad also remarried and in doing so, spent the last 16 years of his life with a horrible person. So much that he embraced dying of cancer in 2019 just to escape her and the situation he accepted, all because he didn't want to be alone and didn't want to go through a second divorce. That's just my thoughts on it...I just know getting married again will never happen for me and I'm fine with that. In fact I haven't even dated since I walked out 5 years ago. So maybe I'm the exception but I don't need to repeat the same mistakes over and over again in order to learn my lesson.


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## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Because when I find my life partner I'm not interested in being his girlfriend for the next 35 to 40 years. Marriage has meaning to me and is a commitment beyond being girlfriend and boyfriend and I'm interested in that kind of a relationship.
> 
> Marriage isn't just for couples who want to have children. Plenty of couples are childfree by choice and they still value marriage. What about couples who find they are infertile and can't have children---- are their marriages pointless?? No!


I totally agree with Livvie. I am recently engaged. I asked him to marry me (and he asked me) because, to us, marriage solidifies our commitment to each other.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> I would never remarry. Not at this stage of my life. actually I wouldn't even bring in another woman to live in my house. First thing she would try to do is to remove all pictures of my wife. No way.


Must admit that if my husband dies before me there is no way that I would marry again, and as I see dating as a way to find a spouse, I wouldn't date again either.


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