# Back After 6 Years, SOS Sometimes :smile2:



## HSK (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi all,

I was here in the fall of 2012 as my marriage was falling apart. At the time I was becoming aware of my "nice guy-ness" (as defined by the book "No More Mr Nice Guy"), and working around those issues to improve myself, including becoming comfortable with my sexual desire, self-care, and good personal boundaries.

OK. Fast forward 6 years. I've come a long way, baby! And I'm glad.

I am now in a relationship with a woman who experienced CSA as well as other issues that has made it difficult for her to be desired. I met her about five years ago, and am sure we self-selected each other (I was still pretty "nice" and didn't maintain good boundaries, and was more than willing to accept other people's blame). She's a good person, and I care about her a great deal, but I'm starting to come to the conclusion that she's not "keeping up with me" from a self-improvement standpoint. I don't say this as a boast, but rather in sadness and with compassion. Self-improvement isn't easy.

Anyway, I'm not going to go into any specific issues here. Just introducing myself. I will post in other places seeking feedback from others about specific situations that I'm working through, with her.

Best
HSK


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Welcome back. Quick question for you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a CSA survivor or would you prefer to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't come with serious problems you have to work through? Relationships are hard enough as is without having to deal with those issues. Most people will be happier finding someone that is a happy, healthy, person that doesn't have serious issues. This isn't to say that CSA survivors aren't worthy of being in a relationship with, but just the ones that have deep seated issues that they haven't sought to address probably aren't a good choice for someone looking for an unburdened relationship.


----------



## HSK (Oct 8, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Welcome back. Quick question for you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a CSA survivor or would you prefer to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't come with serious problems you have to work through?


Hi Bananapeel, I appreciate the question. It's at the core of what I'm going through right now. I don't think you could have hit the nail on the head any better than you did. Thanks!

Oh additionally, she has done work around this - and she's willing to do more. But your question is still very valid. Our problems now stem from what I consider to be a boundary violation. She's asking me to do her work (and doesn't think it's an ask). And this isn't the first time. I'm just getting much better at detecting them.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The solution is very simple. You just have to do what is right for you and what makes you happy. Her burdens are not your burdens to bear, unless you do so willingly and lovingly of your own volition rather than out of obligation. How long have you been dating her for? Are you in love with her? Would she do the work to improve herself regardless of whether you two are in a relationship together or is she just trying to work on it to appease you?


----------



## HSK (Oct 8, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> The solution is very simple. You just have to do what is right for you and what makes you happy. Her burdens are not your burdens to bear, unless you do so willingly and lovingly of your own volition rather than out of obligation. How long have you been dating her for? Are you in love with her? Would she do the work to improve herself regardless of whether you two are in a relationship together or is she just trying to work on it to appease you?


Hallelujah Bananapeel, have no fear, I am well aware of the first several things. Thank you however for making sure I know.

We've been dating for five years; I am in love with her. I don't know if she would do the work on her own (I don't think she was aware of the need). That last question - would she do the work without me - is another thing I'm trying to get to the bottom of. Because yes, I know that the work is for the individual alone, not for the relationship.

Thanks Bananapeel, I couldn't ask for a better reintroduction.


----------

