# Crushed....Confused...Still in Love?



## Sorrowed (Nov 8, 2011)

So I'll try to be somewhat brief and to the point. I've been married for 9 years (10 next month) wife and I are both 30 yrs. old. 2 small children, 4 and 9. Have had some issues in the past, believed we worked through them but she admitted that she harnessed resentment for the way I was over that time (Angry is a good word). Sex life has always been great but communication has diminished over the years, largely due to me (Don't know why). Despite this, I can honestly say that we share a deep love that seemed for years to be unpeneterable. 

About a month ago, found out Wife's co-worker called her late at night after she had "Gone out for some alone time". Confronted her and found out she was with this guy and some friends at a bar. Over the next month, she called him one night a few weeks after initial confrontation, expressed pain and mistrust, she swore it was a friendship but had some feelings. I started to melt shortly after and talked nonstop, daily about what was going on. She then admitted to kissing and fondling in a parking lot near the bar. Obviously crushed, I proceeded to blame her but honestly looked at what I may have done to push her to this. Tonight, she could tell I was going crazy about the thought, and proceeded to admit that she had sex at the bar in the guy's car that night. Shocked to the point of no tears explains a lot about my feelings. Night before, she had a slight panic attack because "She was so scared of losing me (Didn't know about sex then) and she was so deceived about her perception on our relationship". Although it has taken some prying, she has now disclosed everything but swears it was only the one night. She swears she wants me and made a 44 minute call to this guy on Friday to tell him she doesn’t want contact anymore. Despite it all, I know I still love this women madly and I truly believe that she sees this as a mistake and loves me, but I'm so crushed and betrayed to the point I'm going to stay with Mom and Dad for a while till I can figure out my next steps (Sorry for the grammar). Can I make this work? Will I forgive or will I never again gain that deep connection to her I so desperately want?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a 44 minute no contact call?! wow, heckuva goodbye there- definitely indicates that there is more than what she is telling you

for starters she needs to quit her job or else you will go crazy with suspicion- no contact is a foundation of being able to R and heal properly
secondly, is the co-worker married? if so you need to tell his wife. The quickest and best way to end an affair is to expose, you should also consider informing the work HR department
also- she needs to start being transparent, allow you access to her passwords and emails and social networking and phone, etc You need to verify what she is doing by using keyloggers, VAR's and gps, etc. (dont tell her what you are doing)
Lastly in order to have a proper R she needs to show true remorse and own up to the affair 100%, it is her fault entirely and do not let her blame her actions on your behavior.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She has to leave her job now , expose to the OM's wife or significant other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

You need to wrap your brain around the idea that you had no role in causing this affair.
Many betrayed spouses, in the depleted state they find themselves in after discovery ,accept some responsibility for their partner's cheating. The reasons seems to be twofold.
First, as mentioned, you are traumatized and feeling so bad about yourself due to your spouse's betrayal, that you take on blame.
Second, they say betrayed spouses want to take responsibility because it helps them feel that they can prevent further cheating by improving themselves.
It is all nonsense, of course. Your vows did not include a provision that cheating was allowed in the case of her dissatisfaction.
And, I suspect if you look deeper and less emotionally, you will see that she was far less than perfect in all departments, as well. Yet, you did not cheat, did you?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Sorrowed said:


> Obviously crushed, I proceeded to blame her but honestly looked at what I may have done to push her to this.


This hurts BS's more than anything, they blame themselves which causes them to be sympathetic to the WS.

YOU DID NOT PUSH HER TO THIS. There is NOTHING a person can do to make anther person cheat, NOTHING. It's impossible for it to be your fault. Even if she wanted out of the M she has a million other options other than cheating to deal with it.



> Although it has taken some prying, she has now disclosed everything but swears it was only the one night.


The ALWAYS say this and they are ALWAYS lying. If I had a nickle for every story that started out as just "one time" and later its dozen I'd have enough to buy that Galaxy Nexus I have my eye on.



> She swears she wants me and made a 44 minute call to this guy on Friday to tell him she doesn’t want contact anymore.


44 minutes LOLWTFBBQ? Something tells me if they beak NC, she'll be the one that does it. That should have took under 2 minutes, if that.

Take as much time as you need away from her, you need your emotions to calm down before making any decisions. As much as you love her, she did have sex with another man and lied (and may still be lying) about it and may lie more in the future. How do you ever trust her again now that you know she can lie to you right to your face and screw other guys without a care? 

Remember, right now she's in panic mode and she will say anything she thinks you want to hear so you will stay. Only time will tell if she is truly remorseful and even then, the damage is already done. Only you know if you can live with that.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Arnold said:


> You need to wrap your brain around the idea that you had no role in causing this affair.
> Many betrayed spouses, in the depleted state they find themselves in after discovery ,accept some responsibility for their partner's cheating. The reasons seems to be twofold.
> First, as mentioned, you are traumatized and feeling so bad about yourself due to your spouse's betrayal, that you take on blame.
> Second, they say betrayed spouses want to take responsibility because it helps them feel that they can prevent further cheating by improving themselves.
> ...



Just to re-enforce this...

I blamed myself for a long time for my W's A. When I finally realized it wasn't my fault it was like a huge weight off my shoulders and I was finally able to get to the anger stage I desperately needed to be in.

The irony is that ended up allowing me to R with her successfully, it was now on my terms and it was either you do the right things or get out of my face forever. Nothing motivates someone like rejection or the fear of rejections.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is In a PA, this isn't a one time thing. She needs to stop any contact with him, and ths includes her leaving the job.

She will fight that saying is over reaction and you should trust her. Look back on recent events and realize that you cannot trust her.

That earlier night she wnt out, was clearly planned to meet up with him. It was staged to mske you not worry, but she knew what was up.

She has continued to see him at work, and they likely are hooking up at times before during or after work.

Don't rug sweep, instead expose go nuclear, and demand she does the heavy lifting of saving the marriage if that is what she wants, otherwise, there is the door.

The first step is a NC letter, followed by her resigning this week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife has sex outside a bar in a car with her lover...How classy is that. Do you feel special and lucky that she is your wife. You both need to get tested for STD's. She is a joke. She is screwing this guy and then she worries that you may leave her? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been. I seriously doubt that it was only a one time thing. Your wife has no problem lying to your face and cheating on you. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> a 44 minute no contact call?! wow, heckuva goodbye there- definitely indicates that there is more than what she is telling you
> 
> for starters she needs to quit her job or else you will go crazy with suspicion- no contact is a foundation of being able to R and heal properly
> secondly, is the co-worker married? if so you need to tell his wife. The quickest and best way to end an affair is to expose, you should also consider informing the work HR department
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

The 44 minute call is evidence that this has gone fiurther than you think emotionally. Since you got trickle truth there is not reason to believe this happened once. Maybe the trickle was more of a what had happened on her previous dates with the guy. This was not a ONS. She is in an affair.

Yes, she must quit her job immediately. Like today immediately.

Yet another example of the BS blaming themselves for the WS cheating behavior. Sigh.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> You need to wrap your brain around the idea that you had no role in causing this affair.
> Many betrayed spouses, in the depleted state they find themselves in after discovery ,accept some responsibility for their partner's cheating.
> 
> The reasons seems to be twofold:
> ...


:iagree: Awesome post.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> I blamed myself for a long time for my W's A. When I finally realized it wasn't my fault it was like a huge weight off my shoulders and I was finally able to get to the anger stage I desperately needed to be in.


Wow! I dont remember posting on this thread! Ooops, I didnt but could have posted the above. 
YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT! repeat 1000 times if necessary. Hard to remember, .... I know.......


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It took her 44 minutes to say goodbye? 

uh oh


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

44 minutes was her telling her how much she doesn't want to hurt him, followed by him talking her into laying low for a bit, but that they would find a way to connect. Then him conspiring with her on how to take it underground.

- common, time to pull her from working with him, and to set the bar of: any contact = divorce.


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