# Unintentional hurts



## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

We've been having some major problems in the last couple of years. My infidelity thread is somewhere on this forum if anyone can find it and cares to read it.

But, this is just a general problem....

At b'fast this morning, we were talking and something came up about me drinking a particular brand of flavored water. A couple of years ago, my husband recommended that I drink this brand, and at that time, I said no, because of the artificial sweetener. At the time, I was avoiding all sweeteners because they gave me headaches. Circumstances later changed, (prediabetes) and upon a doctor's recommendation I agreed to try Splenda. It took some getting used to, but I now I'm happy with this water because of the Splenda. I still have to avoid NutraSweet.

Anyway, my husband brought it up this morning that he had suggested it, I had flat refused, but now I was drinking it. 

He was obviously hurt and thinks that I don't listen to him. That I don't take his advice, etc.

It bothered me, because 1) I really didn't mean to dismiss his advice, 2) actually, I don't think I did dismiss it, like I said, things changed 3) I certainly didn't mean to hurt him 4) I don't even remember having a big conversation about it 5) I felt stupid trying to explain myself this morning and it's still on my mind.

I know flavored water is a small thing, but how many of these small things are adding up, causing him pain that I don't even know about. On the flip side, he has complained about me keeping things inside and not telling him when something bothers me. I think I do it without realizing. So how much frustration am I carrying around over things that he didn't mean as hurtful?

I know it all comes down to basic communication. But how do you air out all complaints without coming across as b*tchy, especially when we're both oversensitive due to other issues?

Sorry, I didn't mean to be so long winded. And I'm not even sure what I'm asking.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I can relate. I had a conversation with one of my friends a few months ago about this.
I feel that sometimes my wife will ask me for an answer to something, advice, whatever and if I don't reply with the answer that she wants or expects, my answer is dismissed. However, let the lady down the street give her the same answer and it is the gospel.
I have brought this up because it pisses me off. 
I don't answer off the top of my head. I am a very logical and factual person. If I don't know, I say, "I don't know."
So lately, I have started to decline advising her because I feel like it is a waste of breath a lot of times.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

My husband complains that I don't even hear advice, I have to discover things on my own.

I never thought of myself being that way. Maybe it's just a brain wiring issue.

I guess we all are that way to some extent....if something catches your attention, you read about it, actually see it in print, I think it makes a bigger impact that just hearing someone make a passing comment.

I really do try to listen to him.

How do I apologize to him and show him that I'm trying to do better? 

Dan - what could your wife do that would make you feel better about this?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dan,

Here's a way to pass that particular fitness test:

Lee - the Chinese servant in John Steinbeck's "East of Eden"

"Master, if you simply wish me to agree with you, simply say so and my assent is given. However, if you really wish for me to give you advice, we will have to have an in-depth conversation - and it may take some time."

I'm paraphrasing, but that one works wonders.

Remember to say it with a big sly grin on your face.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hi Haley . . . I've been reading a couple of books: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain" by Louann Brizendine. It's amazing how many things she explains about male/female behavior based upon brain wiring and the affect of hormones. I shouldda read these books decades ago! (Not that I'm buying into everything we do is outside of our conscious control). 

Just this morning I was reading how when women talk about an issue - they simply want to talk about it. Men's reaction to hearing a woman talk about an issue is to solve it for her. It took about 10 years of my wife reminding me that when she's discussing something - she's not looking for my solutions - and if she wants my opinion, she'll ask for it (not being nasty or anything - but she was just clarifying).

So, maybe when he's dishing advice all over the place, you're not really looking for any - and therefore do not heed it. And you're not heeding his advice - which his way of 'helping' you (whether you're asking for it or not) is hurtful and a rejection. The two of you are simply having some of these conversations from differing vantage points. 

So - a lot of big fat generalizations here about boys and girls but perhaps something rings familiar? There was also a great part about men's anger . . . but another thread.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

DanF said:


> I can relate. I had a conversation with one of my friends a few months ago about this.
> I feel that sometimes my wife will ask me for an answer to something, advice, whatever and if I don't reply with the answer that she wants or expects, my answer is dismissed. However, let the lady down the street give her the same answer and it is the gospel.
> I have brought this up because it pisses me off.
> I don't answer off the top of my head. I am a very logical and factual person. If I don't know, I say, "I don't know."
> So lately, I have started to decline advising her because I feel like it is a waste of breath a lot of times.


It's you, isn't it.... hi! 
sorry, winding you up, but your answer is possibly word for word what my OH would have posted.....


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

jayde said:


> Hi Haley . . . I've been reading a couple of books: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain" by Louann Brizendine. It's amazing how many things she explains about male/female behavior based upon brain wiring and the affect of hormones. I shouldda read these books decades ago! (Not that I'm buying into everything we do is outside of our conscious control).
> 
> Just this morning I was reading how when women talk about an issue - they simply want to talk about it. Men's reaction to hearing a woman talk about an issue is to solve it for her. It took about 10 years of my wife reminding me that when she's discussing something - she's not looking for my solutions - and if she wants my opinion, she'll ask for it (not being nasty or anything - but she was just clarifying).So, maybe when he's dishing advice all over the place, you're not really looking for any - and therefore do not heed it. And you're not heeding his advice - which his way of 'helping' you (whether you're asking for it or not) is hurtful and a rejection. The two of you are simply having some of these conversations from differing vantage points.
> 
> So - a lot of big fat generalizations here about boys and girls but perhaps something rings familiar? There was also a great part about men's anger . . . but another thread.


This too. WTF........ (ok everyone knows it, but I wish to goodness we (ie he and I) would sit down and read these thread together for us both to have the lightbulb moment at the same time


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Well . . . I think there are a number of pages in these books I will be photocpoying for my wife. I wondered how the author knew so much about our relationship


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Haley said:


> Dan - what could your wife do that would make you feel better about this?


If you don't really want my opinion or advice, don't ask for it.
If you ask for it and receive it, don't dismiss it because it isn't the answer that you wanted.

It's kind of like the "Does this skirt make my butt look big?", question.

Don't ask me a question that you don't want an honest answer to unless you are prepared to hear an answer that you may not like.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

I don't remember the specifics on this particular incident, (and not being nasty, just clarifying) I probably didn't ask for his opinion in the first place. He probably just threw out the information.

This happens a fair amount. He'll read something. Usually health related, and he'll tell me about it. Maybe it's not an issue with me right then. Later when I do mention it, he gets mad. Like I'm not giving him credit for coming up with it, or didn't I listen when he originally talked about it a year ago.

Or, he'll suggest some complicated or labor intensive solution to a problem. A problem that isn't so much of a problem for me at the moment. It's low on my priority list, and his solution sounds like a lot of trouble. Then he's insulted that I didn't follow his suggestion. Usually this involves housekeeping habits. Then since I'm not following his spotless rules, he's mad, and that absolves him from all housework.

It's not that I don't want his opinion, but sometimes his solutions aren't practical, or he hasn't overthought it like I have.

I haven't read the brain books, but they sound a lot like Mars/Venus.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Here's another one that I just thought of.
We put a new lawn in some years ago. I began the lawn care and the yard was looking pretty good. It had some problems as all new lawns do. My wife continually stated that,"We need this chemical, that chemical, we have fungus", etc, etc. She did no research on the grass type or climate that we live in.
After a couple of years of a decent looking lawn and constantly and consistently telling her, showing her why we did and didn't need this or that, how it should be watered, etc., I gave her the lawn care responsibility. I mow, trim, do all the labor when I am home and she has been responsible for the watering, fertilizer, etc.
The grass is dead. The weeds are flourishing.
I told her a few months ago, "Now that we have no more lawn, I rest my case."
She still insists that a few hundred pounds of chemicals will heal it.
Now I just mow the weeds and let her look at it. I'm not about to dump another $5k in sod to repeat this.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

I know I get second-guessed all the time. I get asked a question (I am known by friends and family as the en-Mike-lopedia) and the answer I give is then checked on google or wikipedia...Why ask me if you were going to check? Let's say no one remembers where an item is. I am known for being a relentless finder of lost things and quite thorough in my searches. My SO, goes over everything I have checked anyway, even after I point out that I have looked where she is looking. Ignored.
I will come up with a solution to an issue, and it is summarily dismissed, yet later when she thinks of it, it is genius.
There's also being interrupted in public incessantly, contradicting my statements, treating me like a child who is about to embarrass her by saying something like "Mommy, I peed without touching my penis!" (I actually did that when I was 4 in front of one of my mother's friends) But 4-years old is a good long ways behind me, and I think I am quite freaking capable of carrying on an adult conversation by now.

Anyway, just listen, smile and nod.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

:lol:

All of this struck me so funny. It's good to read some simpler, less tragic and hurtful stuff in this forum other than affairs and abuse. Really...I would hope you don't get divorced over some ruined sod...


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Haley said:


> I don't remember the specifics on this particular incident, (and not being nasty, just clarifying) I probably didn't ask for his opinion in the first place. He probably just threw out the information.
> 
> This happens a fair amount. He'll read something. Usually health related, and he'll tell me about it. Maybe it's not an issue with me right then. Later when I do mention it, he gets mad. Like I'm not giving him credit for coming up with it, or didn't I listen when he originally talked about it a year ago.
> 
> ...


But isn't it amazing that men (my man) will emphasise the overthinking and ignore the possibility I might prefer a more practical solution........ except then of course folk will say 'well let him do it, and do it *his* way'.....  I of course will then come along later and feel I should repair/mend/whatever......... but I'm learning that actually I simply point at the broken basketball net or whatever the latest is, and leave* him* to sort out the slightly more substantial, practical, solution......... I suppose it boils down to letting go of control. *ping* lightbulb !!




mr.miketastic said:


> I know I get second-guessed all the time. I get asked a question (I am known by friends and family as the en-Mike-lopedia) and the answer I give is then checked on google or wikipedia...Why ask me if you were going to check? Let's say no one remembers where an item is. I am known for being a relentless finder of lost things and quite thorough in my searches. My SO, goes over everything I have checked anyway, even after I point out that I have looked where she is looking. Ignored.
> *I will come up with a solution to an issue, and it is summarily dismissed, yet later when she thinks of it, it is genius.*There's also being interrupted in public incessantly, contradicting my statements, treating me like a child who is about to embarrass her by saying something like "Mommy, I peed without touching my penis!" (I actually did that when I was 4 in front of one of my mother's friends) But 4-years old is a good long ways behind me, and I think I am quite freaking capable of carrying on an adult conversation by now.
> 
> Anyway, just listen, smile and nod.


I certainly recognise my OH having said this....


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

stillme4you said:


> :lol:
> 
> All of this struck me so funny. It's good to read some simpler, less tragic and hurtful stuff in this forum other than affairs and abuse. Really...I would hope you don't get divorced over some ruined sod...


It is a minor aggravation.
No, I won't divorce her over grass, I don't even bring it up...


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

madimoff said:


> ........ * I suppose it boils down to letting go of control. * *ping* lightbulb !!
> .


I wish my wife would let loose of the control once in awhile. EVERYone would be better off.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say almost nothing is unintentional. I would say most wives like to provoke their mates into any reaction they can so they can hang themselves on a cross over it. 

I also never EVER offer advice, nor any comment about anything having to do with any of her friends or family. She's telling me so that I will blindly agree with her no matter what it is. 

Every article of anything she drags home is the most wonderful thing ever. Every trip to the grocery store is the most brilliant thing since the discovery of agriculture. 

People she doesn't like are Hitler to the billionth power and poopy-heads bent on persecuting her personally. 

Anything she does with the remote, including randomly shutting off for the 5th time, the movie we were watching is the remote's fault and this can only be mentioned at all if she brings it up. 

The tires on her car lose approximately 100% of their air every day and need to be checked and refilled. 

Whereas driving with the gas gauge below E and the orange warning light on, for 2 days, is only a suggestion so stop being a bully and reminding her. If the car runs out of gas in the street, and it does, it's because of something beyond her control. 

Showing up on time is not relevant to our concerns, thank you. Picking someone up at the airport is a grey-area and can be completed within 2 or 3 hrs of landing assuming she does not get lost driving to the airport she's used for 15 years. Apparently 'they' change the roads sometimes. 

The TV is never 'too' loud. Ever. Sit in another room. 

Everything MUST be completely hand scrubbed with detergent and rinsed BEFORE it goes in the dishwasher. 

Opening a bunch of windows makes the AC work more 'efficiently'. Everyone knows that. 

Of course fishtank gravel can go in the garbage disposal.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks for my morning chuckle. My wife and washes stuff before it goes into the recycling - because 'they' said this should be done.

But, it's really not all that funny in some respects.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The only practical upside to cleaning out the recycling is if some wild animals will come by to eat it. Other than that....?

BTW ever try to throw out a garbage can? Can't be done. I wrote BASURA on it and they just nodded.


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## gravis420 (Jul 17, 2011)

new to this board, actually all boards as a matter of fact. My W is very similar. I am a take action type of person always have been. My W even comments on it in snide remarks. Yet she constantly involves me in things inorder to make me into an a*****le. Saturdays its " I need help with X what do you think? My reply is "well you should Blah Blah Blah" its nt actually Blah Blah Blah but it might as well should be. As none of the advse issued will be followed, most outright ignored, and as it goes awry guess who's fault/problem it will become? If you said mine, obviously your W behaves the same way.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Your husband is having an affair, won't let you contact the OW's husband because then she will be "free" for your husband (emotional blackmail) and now he gets pissed off that you are drinking flavored water that he recommended years ago?! Get's upset that you don't do exactly as he wishes, when he wants?
Um, he sounds like a complete control freak and a petulant man child. He also sounds like he has zero consequences for his actions yet holds your feet to the fire. Is this what you want in a man?


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## conerned (Jul 18, 2011)

Your husband may simply wish to hear how he has done right by you from time to time.

A reminder that you do listen and his words often affect your decisions, but sometimes it take a while to make up your mind. Let him know he should just be happy knowing his words aren't just being discarded and that you file them away.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

I don't know if he wants me to blindly follow his suggestions. I would like to think he just wants to be appreciated and recognized for his input. Not ignored.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend. It started when I was cutting the grass. I have a husband and 2 teenage sons, but I was having to cut grass. And it pissed me off. I realized I was doing it because it was easier than making my sons do it. My BIL says that I'll do anything to avoid conflict. I'm beginning to think he's right. I read a few things on people that avoid conflict, and how when you add anger to it, it overlaps with passive aggressiveness and being a silent martyr. Interesting stuff. I can see how it probably goes back to childhood and not being able to stand up to my parents. I never learned to have a constructive agrument, and this really hurts a marriage. OK, I'm rambling psycho babble.

@ Bright Eyes: You're right, he has no real consequences to his actions. I've wondered if he's playing some passive aggressive game where he's such a bad husband, that I'll finally leave, and he'll be able to say that it was me giving up. He says it'll take a miracle to get us back together. But it's me doing all the work, changing habits, etc. while he continues on with what he's doing.

He told me that one of the other women he talks to online (not the main one) was having trouble with her living in BF. The BF was badmouthing her. My H asked her why she puts up with it. My H of course doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, and doesn't see that I should be asking myself the same thing aobut our situation.

He showed me a joke on his phone. His online OW (the main one) had sent it. He said it's really funny, just ignore who it's from. When I got upset he said, "Oh, I shouldn't have shown it to you". But it was more in the sense of me not being able to have a sense of humor instead of him being an insensitive a$$.

No, this is not what I want in a man. I've been very careful not to give him ultimatums (he's stubborn enough that he'd probably do go ahead and do it for spite) But, it may be ultimatum time. After 29 years together/27 married, 2 kids (one with special needs), and all the financial entanglement, I don't know how to break away.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Opening a bunch of windows makes the AC work more 'efficiently'. Everyone knows that.
> 
> Of course fishtank gravel can go in the garbage disposal.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Love these two nuggets of "wisdom."


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