# Toxic husband, inlaws and boundaries



## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

My husband is extremely toxic (NPD) but fortunately, he has changed for the last 2.5 months. He is now a much better partner in parenting our pre-teens. He has a strong connection with our son and our son worships him. 
We have been married for almost 20 years, he admits that I have made him a better person. Working on him is the most exausting thing I have ever done in my life, I experienced deep depression a few times. For almost 20 years I was very confused about all the rollercoasters in our marriage until about 5 months ago, when I remembered the word 'Narcissim' he had mention to me about 15 years ago that some women said he was a narcissist. (He used to be extremely promiscuous prior to meeting me)

I researched 'Narcissim' According to the 3 world's famous psychologists who dedicate their research to narcisism, my husband is a true narcissist.

He sided with the children every time I tried to coach them, he called me names in front of them, he yelled and demanded that I apologize to our kids in front of them - Our family was so dysfunctional that I asked him to move out, which he did for 3 months!

The day I knew he was a narcissist and the day I found out his sister told him* 'You gave her children'* (she 'lectured' him for having children with me except that she felt, he only had them to give them to me) _I began to separate myself from their toxicity and I became an observer of how they live their life in an ocean full of their own poison. The view is very interesting! _
The day he confessed that his sister was his priority, my feelings for him changed. That warm feeling that a spouse had for a spouse went away. 

_But I stay in the marriage because he has changed and he has become an asset in co-parenting. He backs me up when I discipline the kids and* I no longer feel like a severely abused maid to my children and to him.*

He now wants to visit his sister who has asked him to divorce me many times. The problem is I do not want him to spend a week with her and then come back home directly.

Ideally, I would want him to return to a hotel or a rented house from his sister's, spend a month alone, detoxing mentally and emotionally, *reset* his button and then come home._
He just started changing about 2.5 months ago and I feel that he can be easily contaminated by his toxic sister when he goes visit her and I am fearful that he will go back to his old ways.
What would you do if you were in my situation?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Honestly trying to think of a reason to stay with this individual. At any rate, your husband should respect your thoughts and feelings over the family every time. He is not. He is not standing up for you. That is a problem that generates resentment. It is not sustainable. Your husband needs to be a husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What caused him to change?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

MissJan21 said:


> What would you do if you were in my situation?


The sister is an enemy of the marriage, I would tell him if wants to go hang with her, its over.... If she wants to come back into the family fold, she needs to ackowledge and apologize for her wrongs and agree not to do it again.


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## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What caused him to change?


I believe his love for the kids and his desire to stay married help him to change. Our pre-teen daughter who has a very high emotional intelligent IQ coaches him a lot on empathy and how to say things in a non condescending way. He usually argues at first but eventually listens.


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## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

re16 said:


> The sister is an enemy of the marriage, I would tell him if wants to go hang with her, its over.... If she wants to come back into the family fold, she needs to ackowledge and apologize for her wrongs and agree not to do it again.


Oh, she is so toxic I do not want her apology. I had rather not see her ever again. It's OK for him to visit her as long as he detoxifies upon his return.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MissJan21 said:


> I believe his love for the kids and his desire to stay married help him to change. Our pre-teen daughter who has a very high emotional intelligent IQ coaches him a lot on empathy and how to say things in a non condescending way. He usually argues at first but eventually listens.


Its taken 20 years though which is why I wondered if anything specific had happened.
Do you think he really thought you may end the marriage?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

2.5 months of change after a 20 year abusive marriage & a lifetime of bad behavior? that is not change. It may be going in the right direction but change will take 2.5 years at minimum. 

I would make it an ultimatum. His sister is no friend to your marriage. The many times she has tried to destroy your marriage it's her or you. This business about him going to a motel for a month after seeing her is ridiculous & will only cause resentment. Tell him not to go & if he does go, find out from a lawyer if you can lock him out while he's gone.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MissJan21 said:


> My husband is extremely toxic (NPD) but fortunately, he has changed for the last 2.5 months. He is now a much better partner in parenting our pre-teens. He has a strong connection with our son and our son worships him.
> We have been married for almost 20 years, he admits that I have made him a better person. Working on him is the most exausting thing I have ever done in my life, I experienced deep depression a few times. For almost 20 years I was very confused about all the rollercoasters in our marriage until about 5 months ago, when I remembered the word 'Narcissim' he had mention to me about 15 years ago that some women said he was a narcissist. (He used to be extremely promiscuous prior to meeting me)
> 
> I researched 'Narcissim' According to the 3 world's famous psychologists who dedicate their research to narcisism, my husband is a true narcissist.
> ...


If he is a true narcissist, there will never be genuine change. They may tell you that to keep you, but at some point, they will revert to their old ways or hide it very well. Also, if he is what you think, they don't feel love or empathy for that matter. They just consider family and spouses an extension of themselves and a reflection of themselves. 

This is the reality. You can make one of two choices: stay and accept this is what all of your lives will be, or leave, which will probably be difficult in many ways (dealing with a narc and toxic family members, it will not go smoothly), but most likely worth it. 

His toxic ways and his family's toxic ways will NOT change either, ever. So, you have a decision to make.


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## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Tell him not to go & if he does go, find out from a lawyer if you can lock him out while he's gone.


I like your idea but I am afriad if I did that our divorce will be a nasty one.


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## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> Honestly trying to think of a reason to stay with this individual. At any rate, your husband should respect your thoughts and feelings over the family every time. He is not. He is not standing up for you. That is a problem that generates resentment. It is not sustainable. Your husband needs to be a husband.


My husband does not even stand up for himself, he doesn't know how to do that. He has a very low self esteem, almost every decision is made for him by two people- his sister and his long time friend. He needs excessive admiration and outsider's validation. If these two people starve him of attention my husband will probably be depressed.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My advice would be to leave the marriage if he backslides again. My other advice would be to stay off the internet with the whole NPD and toxic stuff. It's in vogue to use those words in 2021, but no one should be diagnosed off of the internet and social media memes.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

MissJan21 said:


> My husband does not even stand up for himself, he doesn't know how to do that. He has a very low self esteem, almost every decision is made for him by two people- his sister and his long time friend. He needs excessive admiration and outsider's validation. If these two people starve him of attention my husband will probably be depressed.


He needs to learn or your marriage will be steamrolled. He needs counseling.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What led him to say his sister was a priority. That’s a pretty big thing to say. And a little odd to choose a sister over a wife.


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## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What led him to say his sister was a priority. That’s a pretty big thing to say. And a little odd to choose a sister over a wife.


When I came to know that his sister backstabbed me, I stood up for myself and told her to back off. She was angry because I dared to stand up to her. So she went crying to husband's friend and that friend told my husband about the sister's drama. My husband wrote his sister telling her she was his #1...."sorry about my wife's crap".


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I honestly don't know why you stay married, I've read your reasons but none of them make sense.

He shouldn't have anything to do with his sister after the way she treated you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

MissJan21 said:


> I like your idea but I am afriad if I did that our divorce will be a nasty one.


It's your choice about how nasty things get. Don't rise to the bait. Even if he's nasty you remain calm. Don't fight him on stupid stuff. Divorce is not about being right or vindicated. It's about dissolving a legal bond & splitting up assets.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Nailhead said:


> Honestly trying to think of a reason to stay with this individual. At any rate, your husband should respect your thoughts and feelings over the family every time. He is not. He is not standing up for you. That is a problem that generates resentment. It is not sustainable. Your husband needs to be a husband.


I am curious if your husband has reverted back yet. I have been with a narcissist for 17 years and they never truly change. If and when they do..there is almost always an underlying reason that benefits them..and its usually something devious and conniving. My husband has 5 other siblings but one is a sister similar to your husbands. She tried tearing us apart and planting seeds of evil for years..they were so close i thought it almost inappropriate to be honest. Finally a few years ago she let up and moved forward with her own toxic and dysfunctional life and left us alone. Doesnt change the fact he is a narcissist..makes some things easier I suppose...but he always seems to find a reason to degrade, belittle, criticize, isolate and humiliate me when he can. My feelings have also changed as you described above..but it was long ago..when he physically ripped our 6 week old son from my arms and had his eldest son (then 12) jump on my back and attack me so that he could take my baby from me..in which he did. We got back together several years later..against my better judgement..he changed..for a while..reverted back...changed again..reverted back...it has become a pattern tho..each time of change lasting longer giving me a temporary facade of a good life for periods of time. Its just enough to keep me here..but i feel that time is running out and i am fed up. I worry u will experience similar things as your kids go thru teen years and young adulthood..that is when my husband reverted bk the most. My advice is to leave if u can..your husband sounds easier than mine..i will never ever be able to leave in peace..and he would put me in the hospital or ground before he ever would leave. Good luck and stay strong for u and your kids ❤


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Narcissists may hide it for awhile but they don’t change.


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