# Tired, just plain old tired...



## calla_hera (Oct 26, 2015)

I've been married to my husband for 8 years, and we've been together a total of 10 years. But now I don't feel that I want to work on this relationship any more.

My husband has some pretty severe learning disabilities, and because of them there aren't a lot of topics he can discuss or a lot of people he can socialize with. I made the decision to overlook these things because he was such a happy go lucky guy and pleasant to be around during the early stages of our relationship. Because his abilities are limited, I have to take care of everything from the finances, to the car maintenance, to the home improvements. I work two jobs to keep us afloat and my main job provides the health and dental insurance. He's been fired from four jobs in the past six years and has finally managed to hold down a job that is part time for about a year and a half now.

Over the years he's become angry and unpleasant, every word I say he contradicts and it's almost like he's looking for an argument. It's hard for me to deal with this new trend, I've been willing to overlook a lot, but not this nasty attitude.

Another problem that has started is that since we own a home we've discussed that it would be helpful to buy a truck to haul things and such. He was open to the idea, but he wants a brand new 2015 truck with all the bells and whistles and he's very unwilling to compromise. We can't afford that kind of a truck, we could afford a used truck that costs under $10K and that is a few years old. I've always driven used cars and when we purchased mine it cost $9K and it had 70,000 miles on it.

My point is why should he get a brand spanking new truck that we can't afford when he doesn't contribute that much money to the household? One payment for the truck he wants would probably equal two of his weekly paychecks!

I don't know, I'm tired of his anger and nasty attitude and most recently, his feelings of entitlement. I don't think I can stay in this much longer.


----------



## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

calla_hera said:


> I don't know, I'm tired of his anger and nasty attitude and most recently, his feelings of entitlement. I don't think I can stay in this much longer.


Hello,

Even though your husband is not smart I assume he does feel that you do not value him any more. This may probably be the key to your problems.

Once he got the notion (a long time ago) that there is something wrong he started to act slightly different which led to you doing more of the same and so on. A vicious cycle began which is now almost complete.

I cannot judge how bad it is. 

I face similar problems and have decided to seperate myself for some time (or forever, I don't know yet) from my wife.

I have not gone through with this because I decided last Thursday and now we wait to tell the kids (school schedule overruling my needs). At the moment I am torn between the need to be alone and the fear of doing a big mistake.

In your case you may experience the same. It is your heart you should follow. There is not much left in terms of affection at the moment so consider seperation.

As I said, I will seperate but I will not file a divorce. My wife loves me and even though I don't feel the same at the moment (or at least that's what I think) I do not know if I will learn that I need her as much as she needs me after leaving for some time.

But one thing I have learned is that the best way to help others is to be honest on the big things and look for yourself first. Only if you are happy can you share happiness. I have used up my happiness over 10 years and been walking into an ever deepening valley of darkness for the last five years trying to make everything good for my wife. I lost myself in the process. 

Good luck

Regards

asdfjkl


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Have you talked about this with him? Have you gone to any counseling?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well hindsight is 20/20. Do you have children?


----------



## calla_hera (Oct 26, 2015)

No children thankfully, we did try counseling but he freezes up in front of the counselor and just refuses to talk, so that was a bust.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Since he has severe learning disabilities you might need to find a therapist who specialize in his area of disabilities. A regular MC is just not going to work for him. He probably needs to relearn some coping skills or be trained on how to do certain things in his way. 

The stuff that you and I do, in order to cope or master techniques are quite different from how his brain works. So he needs someone who can understand and work with his needs. He might also need to be in long term therapy. 

I am sorry but those are the risk associated with people with special needs. I am trying to educate my son, so something like this does not happen to him when he is older. He is also, in a program that teaches young people how to work in different settings. 

My guess is your husband never had those programs. Also, you might have the therapist figure what kinds of jobs might suitable for him. 

I wish you luck and hope you can find help for both of you. Until then, please take care of yourself.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

With the way he is,you could be describing my nephew who has adult ADHD. My nephew spends a lot of his time frustrated and angry because he's not like everyone else and never will be,so maybe it's the same in your husband's case. He also has a hard time concentrating,fully understanding finances,finishing projects and sticking to jobs. I fully understand your frustration and the 'I surrender' situation you find yourself in,as those things can be daunting over a short time let alone the long haul. Hope you can find a good resolution to this trying time in your life. Take care.


----------



## calla_hera (Oct 26, 2015)

I appreciate everyone's input. I never expected this to be so difficult, and I do feel like surrendering because I don't feel like I'm his wife, I feel like his mother. I have to do everything for him and on top of it deal with his attitude, it's like I'm raising a teenager for goodness sake!

I dread going home these days and I find myself going around the block in circles to prolong my time away from him. I really don't feel happy anymore. But since he's so dependent on me I'm afraid he'll be lost if I leave him. On one occasion when I tried to leave him years ago he idly threatened to kill himself. I don't know if it was a manipulative tactic or what.

I just don't know. As odd as it sounds I almost wish he would cheat on me so I don't feel guilty for leaving him. 

I realize how messed up that sounds, but I guess the only way to receive good input is to be truthful about my feelings too.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

It sounds like he has no coping skills. He needs to be put in therapy and maybe meds. I don't think he was trying to manipulate you, it just that he does not see how he will be able to go on with out you. 

Are his parents still alive and can you speak to them?

If so, then, you can ask about his previous doctors and specialist. 

Your cup is empty and that is why you feel like running away. In a way you are the parents, because you have to watch out for him. Maybe, this is not what you signed up for but this is what his disabilities entails. 

If you want to help him, get him into therapy for his disabilities. If not then, pack his things up and return him to his family and file for divorce. Because you cannot continue to live like this and he needs help.

Check out add.org to see if you can find a therapist in your area.


----------



## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

calla_hera said:


> I just don't know. As odd as it sounds I almost wish he would cheat on me so I don't feel guilty for leaving him.
> 
> I realize how messed up that sounds, but I guess the only way to receive good input is to be truthful about my feelings too.


That does not sound odd. I feel the same at home. There are no hard feelings, no hatred, I am also just "plain old tired". If I could just walk away without looking back, I would be worried about myself.

If there was a tangible dispute it would make making up my mind so much easier. But this way I know that I am the one in the drivers seat - deciding for everyone involved where the journey will lead - because I am the one who has a problem. This is so hard, it is almost unbearable.



brooklynAnn said:


> Your cup is empty and that is why you feel like running away.
> [...]
> 
> If you want to help him, get him into therapy for his disabilities. If not then, pack his things up and return him to his family and file for divorce. *Because you cannot continue to live like this *and he needs help.


I believe this is a very precise evaluation of your situation.

I feel for you and I am sympathatic to your situation. I am basically in the same spot emotionally.

I don't think I can live like this anymore but I cannot leave my wife just like that. 

So, it is very important that you make up your mind as to what you really want. A friend told me to get away for a few days to find myself. So far I have not done that, but I believe this would be a good idea for you to do (and for me as well).

Regards

asdfjkl


----------



## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

asdfjkl said:


> That does not sound odd. I feel the same at home. There are no hard feelings, no hatred, I am also just "plain old tired". If I could just walk away without looking back, I would be worried about myself.
> 
> If there was a tangible dispute it would make making up my mind so much easier. But this way I know that I am the one in the drivers seat - deciding for everyone involved where the journey will lead - because I am the one who has a problem. This is so hard, it is almost unbearable.
> 
> ...


I did this, took a little vacation and sat on a beach for 5 days, really helped in my decision on how i was going to move forward, really cleared my head and what needed to be done..


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

His disabilities aside... ultimately he has to be a willing participant in restoring the marriage, one way or another. He needs to agree to participate in marriage counseling, or read some marriage books with you or be capable of sitting down to discuss with you your concerns (and his) calmly and rationally. The alternative is that you continue your life as it is today, or divorce him.

We can't really know the full extent of how his disabilities impact him, but in a normal situation, it is often a good idea to make absolutely sure that he understands the full extent of the situation he and your marriage are in. MANY men in this type of situation are often oblivious to how far gone their wives are, how fed up they are, etc., often because women and men communicate so differently and they aren't used to speaking to their husbands in the way they understand, which means to speak directly and clearly, without any sugar coating. So I'd sit him down and explain to him DIRECTLY stating that the marriage is on the rocks, that you will not allow it to go forward without some significant commitments and genuine changes. Make it clear that you aren't just having a bad month, or depressed, or unhappy because of other issues. That you are ready to file for divorce and leave him (or ask him to leave) if something doesn't get worked out right here, right now.

For a lot of men, that will be their "Wake up call." and hey will respond accordingly. Remember for us guys, we're used to hearing all kinds of emotions and feelings and stresses, etc. from our wives. Work stuff, family stuff, financial stuff, or whatever. Throw in PMS, which we can't understand and avoid, and we've all been trained to know that what our wives say, might not necessarily be what they really mean, and it might be a fleeting thing either way. So we need this "wake up call" spoken loud and clear, so there is no room for misinterpretation. Only from there will you see him respond according to how he actually feels, based on his real values. If he values his marriage, you'll hopefully see him ready to listen to your concerns and work on them with you, with genuine focus and attention. If he does not value his marriage, then he'll let you know that as well and either agree that it's time for a divorce or just suggest that he doesn't care what you do.

Either way, you'll normally get an answer. If you're at the end of your rope and ready to know one way or the other, this is usually a good approach. With that said, like I mentioned earlier, your husband's disabilities might make this scenario not apply exactly. That will be up to you. In my view however, if his disability ultimately prevents him from being even a decent husband, then that is just unfortunate for him but it really shouldn't be your responsibility to live in misery forever as a result. He's just got to accept that he needs to commit to some big changes, or accept that he can't be married to you anymore and will live with the consequences of his decision either way.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What does he say when you tell him you're thinking of leaving?


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

calla_hera said:


> I've been married to my husband for 8 years, and we've been together a total of 10 years. But now I don't feel that I want to work on this relationship any more.
> 
> My husband has some pretty severe learning disabilities, and because of them there aren't a lot of topics he can discuss or a lot of people he can socialize with. I made the decision to overlook these things because he was such a happy go lucky guy and pleasant to be around during the early stages of our relationship. Because his abilities are limited, I have to take care of everything from the finances, to the car maintenance, to the home improvements. I work two jobs to keep us afloat and my main job provides the health and dental insurance. He's been fired from four jobs in the past six years and has finally managed to hold down a job that is part time for about a year and a half now.
> 
> ...


If he wants a brand new truck so bad then tell him he can pay for the payment himself. If he can't do that then you're going to get the truck that works for YOUR budget. It already sucks that you have to pay for everything as it is. If his learning disabilities were the reason why he can't keep a job then that is understandable but he shouldn't be having a nasty attitude and being entitled either. 

Have you or him gone to counseling, either individual or marital? That might be a good idea before you throw in the towel.


----------

