# ineedtobreathe



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

So, to introduce myself, I am a 33 y/o recently divorced father of 1. My previous marriage ended for reasons I am still unclear about since I was the one who wanted to be in it - even though she was unfaithful. It was a 10 year marriage / 15 year relationship and I truly was in love with her. I dated one girl for a couple of months and it was not a good relationship so I decided to take a few months and just get myself whole again. I started playing and coaching sports, going to the gym, spending a lot of quality time with my son, etc...

... so this new girl comes into my life when I was not really looking and we started talking and I started to have pretty strong feelings for her, but certainly didn't think much of it being still very new, and not having an incredibly strong physical attraction initially. And now, I literally cannot stop thinking about her. Trying to figure out where and when I can see her again. It's wonderful, because I never thought I would have this experience again that I once did with my ex. But, I'll be honest, I don't know what to think. My ex was my first and only... I don't know what these feelings mean, or why are they so powerful. I was good alone... and now I feel sick to my stomach when I can't see her. I don't want to rush into another relationship, but she is really in it and so am I. We both have kids, but are keeping them out of it until we feel like we will be a mainstay in each others' lives. I just don't know what to do to curb these feelings a bit without making her feel I am not interested.

She is already talking long-term, and it's not a putoff at all, but she was recently divorced too because of a cheating spouse.


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

You'd be her rebound.


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Pamvhv said:


> You'd be her rebound.


Yeah, and that might be true. But she was actually talking with other guys before we met, and once we started talking, she stopped talking to the others. I feel like I'm the only one, but I've been burned before. I'm scared she might just want a safe guy up front to be there reliably and treat her and her kids right, unlike the serial cheater she was with.

I think I'm just having trust issues coming out of a relationship with a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Clawed said:


> So, to introduce myself, I am a 33 y/o recently divorced father of 1. My previous marriage ended for reasons I am still unclear about since I was the one who wanted to be in it - even though she was unfaithful. It was a 10 year marriage / 15 year relationship and I truly was in love with her. I dated one girl for a couple of months and it was not a good relationship so I decided to take a few months and just get myself whole again. I started playing and coaching sports, going to the gym, spending a lot of quality time with my son, etc...
> 
> ... so this new girl comes into my life when I was not really looking and we started talking and I started to have pretty strong feelings for her, but certainly didn't think much of it being still very new, and not having an incredibly strong physical attraction initially. And now, I literally cannot stop thinking about her. Trying to figure out where and when I can see her again. It's wonderful, because I never thought I would have this experience again that I once did with my ex. But, I'll be honest, I don't know what to think. My ex was my first and only... I don't know what these feelings mean, or why are they so powerful. I was good alone... and now I feel sick to my stomach when I can't see her. I don't want to rush into another relationship, but she is really in it and so am I. We both have kids, but are keeping them out of it until we feel like we will be a mainstay in each others' lives. I just don't know what to do to curb these feelings a bit without making her feel I am not interested.
> 
> She is already talking long-term, and it's not a putoff at all, but she was recently divorced too because of a cheating spouse.


Talk to her and take it slow. 

You both have kids that need to be your primary concern. You are both coming out of relationships. So if you are not feeling balanced, explain that to her and let her know you are interested but need to take things slowly as you get your feet under you. 

If there is truly something here, she will understand.


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Clawed, I think it's a sign from your gut that you created a post here. You know something doesn't feel totally right. That's a good thing. It means you should take it slow and make sure this is what you think it is. Make sure your feelings are real and make sure her feelings are real. It's easy to be caught up in something like this when coming out of a divorce. Given that both of you are coming out of a divorce, I'd be extra careful if I were you.

Spend some time to really get to know her, her friends and her family. If she rushes things, then that's a bad sign. She's coming out of a really bad situation. She should want to take things as slowly as you. If she doesn't, it's a sign she is not over her failed marriage and cheating spouse. There is no reason to rush this. You can absolutely continue to re-affirm your feelings for her but make it clear you want to take this slow.

You don't want to be "the safe guy." You want to be "the right guy" and you want her to be "the right girl."

Good luck!


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Need some clarity on below before I can give you advice:

How long has it been since divorce (for both you and her)?

When you say you cant' stop thinking about her, are you referring to your new girlfriend or ex?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

slow and steady wins the race.

I see no reason for you to get married. what will you gain by getting married? Is she wealthy? I just don't see a good reason because you love eachother. because your religious? 

personaly I would go with the I love you and show I love you and no piece of paper means I love you more or better. the finanical ramafications are to great. this way we can profess our love daily or one of us can say I'm out of here anytime they want.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Go slow. No need to rush full-head into another relationship and get super serious fast. I personally don't think it's good if you eel "sick to your stomach" when you can't see her. That sounds like a bad infatuation (bordering on unhealthy).

How long ago was your divorce? And hers?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Clawed said:


> So, to introduce myself, I am a 33 y/o recently divorced father of 1. My previous marriage ended for reasons I am still unclear about since I was the one who wanted to be in it - even though she was unfaithful. It was a 10 year marriage / 15 year relationship and I truly was in love with her. I dated one girl for a couple of months and it was not a good relationship so I decided to take a few months and just get myself whole again. I started playing and coaching sports, going to the gym, spending a lot of quality time with my son, etc...
> 
> ... so this new girl comes into my life when I was not really looking and we started talking and I started to have pretty strong feelings for her, but certainly didn't think much of it being still very new, *and not having an incredibly strong physical attraction initially*. And now, I literally cannot stop thinking about her. Trying to figure out where and when I can see her again. It's wonderful, because I never thought I would have this experience again that I once did with my ex. But, I'll be honest, I don't know what to think. My ex was my first and only... I don't know what these feelings mean, or why are they so powerful. I was good alone... and now I feel sick to my stomach when I can't see her. I don't want to rush into another relationship, but she is really in it and so am I. We both have kids, but are keeping them out of it until we feel like we will be a mainstay in each others' lives. I just don't know what to do to curb these feelings a bit without making her feel I am not interested.
> 
> She is already talking long-term, and it's not a putoff at all, but she was recently divorced too because of a cheating spouse.


This stood out to me as something to be very careful of...


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is certainly "thinking with heart" type of situation.

OP needs to think with his head!

Anyways, I think we need to know how long it has been for both of you since the divorce.

What I can tell you now OP is that do NOT make any major decisions until "honeymoon" phase of your relationship is over (about 2 years). Sparks are flying right now and I have a feeling you guys might have been intimate already......you are blind and caught up into it.

Let the 2 years pass, and see if the spark is still there, if it is, she is probably the right one.

Let us know the answer to the main question though!


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> This stood out to me as something to be very careful of...


Good point

Also, I wonder it intimacy blinded that statement and it went to the side for now (it might creep up later....).


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Okay, sorry to have been absent here for the past few days. So, to clarify a couple of things:

1) I have been divorced since November technically, but my ex has been totally out of the picture for over a year now (since last April)

Girlfriend has only been divorced since March - her ex moved out of state, so now she is a single mother of 3.

2) I think about the new girl constantly. My ex is old news. I loved her but even before I met my current girlfriend, I could not stand to see her cheating / lying face.

3) My girlfriend and I have NOT been intimate, but she wants to be very badly - I would say probably much more than I do right now even though I am on a dry spell.

4) She is bitter, she talks about the ex all of the time (in a very negative way - which makes sense, if even half of what she is telling me is true).

5) My biggest concern is that she is really sweet to me, but for some reason does not really care to find out anything about me. She knows nothing of my past. I simply think she is so wrapped up in herself and her problems, that she couldn't possibly have time for me. She thanks me for being there for her and listening, but the communication is so one-sided, it's insane.

6) She has stated that not only does she want to have sex with me, but that she wants to start our life together as soon as possible / move in together - and be with me forever, even though she will not get married for a couple of years or so (that last part I can definitely agree with).

I guess as I am talking through some of these things, I am realizing that she is rushing this thing way too much.

This is the bottom line, if I am honest: I am okay alone and I was not looking for someone. But here comes along someone who is really into me, which I am definitely not used to - she makes me feel really good about myself until I realize I can't gauge her level in actually getting to know me at all. Basically, I feel like I should make this work if I don't want to end up alone. I have so many good qualities but being ridiculously good looking is NOT one of them, and that is all anyone seems to be after. Thus, a part of me wants to take advantage of being in a relationship with a girl who is pretty attractive and apparently thinks I am the best guy on the planet.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She talks and you just listen? Not interested in knowing anything about you? Moving very quickly? Be careful.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Taking it slow is probably best. There are some red flags but its hard to tell what her motives are because she is so newly divorced and apparently still not over the trauma since she wants to talk about it so much. She needs a chance to truly move on with her ex instead of trying to rush things with you.

Who knows, maybe you can be a stabilizing force in her life.

I would kind of caution you not to get too involved with her kids for a while, try to flush out if she is looking for a Daddy and a wallet. She may not be but something to keep in mind.

What are the qualities you like about her? You only seem focused on the fact that she is into you, but are you into her for who she is and not for what she feels about YOU?


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Clawed said:


> Okay, sorry to have been absent here for the past few days. So, to clarify a couple of things:
> 
> 1) I have been divorced since November technically, but my ex has been totally out of the picture for over a year now (since last April)
> 
> Girlfriend has only been divorced since March - her ex moved out of state, so now she is a single mother of 3.


2 HUGE red flags

a) that's only 2 months to heal and recover from LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. Sorry, not enough time. You are the rebound, sorry.

b) 3 kids....that's a WHOLE lot of baggage



Clawed said:


> I think about the new girl constantly. My ex is old news. I loved her but even before I met my current girlfriend, I could not stand to see her cheating / lying face.
> 
> 3) My girlfriend and I have NOT been intimate, but she wants to be very badly - I would say probably much more than I do right now even though I am on a dry spell.


VERY smart of you. Don't do it yet....once you do, expect these feelings to get MUCH stronger and cause you to ignore red flags further more (read: you will be blinded)



Clawed said:


> 4) She is bitter, she talks about the ex all of the time (in a very negative way - which makes sense, if even half of what she is telling me is true).


I got a sense of that from #1. At this point I would highly recommend that you leave her and tell her that she hasn't taken time to recover and heal from her previous relationship. It will take time. Tell her that it's best that you guys break things off for now and give her room to do so.

Meanwhile, don't wait around. Start dating and getting to know other women (hopefully ones with less baggage....and ones that were smart enough to not get involved while recovering from LTR). <<<< this is a good indicator of smart woman.



Clawed said:


> 5) My biggest concern is that she is really sweet to me, but for some reason does not really care to find out anything about me. She knows nothing of my past. I simply think she is so wrapped up in herself and her problems, that she couldn't possibly have time for me. She thanks me for being there for her and listening, but the communication is so one-sided, it's insane.


Another HUGE red flag



Clawed said:


> 6) She has stated that not only does she want to have sex with me, but that she wants to start our life together as soon as possible / move in together - and be with me forever, even though she will not get married for a couple of years or so (that last part I can definitely agree with).


ENORMOUS red flag



Clawed said:


> I guess as I am talking through some of these things, I am realizing that she is rushing this thing way too much.
> 
> This is the bottom line, if I am honest: I am okay alone and I was not looking for someone. But here comes along someone who is really into me, which I am definitely not used to - she makes me feel really good about myself until I realize I can't gauge her level in actually getting to know me at all. Basically, I feel like I should make this work if I don't want to end up alone. I have so many good qualities but being ridiculously good looking is NOT one of them, and that is all anyone seems to be after. Thus, a part of me wants to take advantage of being in a relationship with a girl who is pretty attractive and apparently thinks I am the best guy on the planet.


I would highly recommend that you let her go and let her do what she needs to do (recover/heal).

Meanwhile, figure out what you want. Don't worry about looks, as long as there is attraction, 6 or a 10 doesn't really matter, what really matters is the person behind the looks.

This girl has not taken her time to get to know you. She has tons of baggage.....wants to rush in......and wasn't even smart enough to heal.

Count the red flags for yourself, but there is many. Enough for me to tell you to leave her for good.....and to NEVER look back (even once she recovers). Just the kids alone, think about it. Are you willing to financially support 3 kids? You will have to if you ever marry this girl. You will be on the hook for children that are not even yours.

Fact that these kids will not have a father (as he ditched) is another HUGE red flag.

And if this lady actually let you meet her kids only month or 2 after meeting you.......another ENORMOUS red flag.

I can go on and on.......

Hope that helps


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> 2 HUGE red flags
> 
> a) that's only 2 months to heal and recover from LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. Sorry, not enough time. You are the rebound, sorry.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Nailed it DoF! :smthumbup:


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I made a big mistake after my long term relationship ended.

When you are with someone a long time, in love and addicted to the highs of a close loving relationship, you crave that feeling again and it's very difficult to do without it.

After a marriage or long term relationship ends, we want to dive in and start dating again. I think it's a mistake, and most relationship advisors will tell you it's a mistake because of our extreme vulnerability.

I made that mistake and started dating right away after LT relationship and ended up marrying BPD. 

Fortunately, it has ended well for me after all these years, but I learned a hard lesson.


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Man, this sucks. I know that you are right, DoF. Basically on every point. I just know that I needed to hear it from someone else...

It's true, as someone pointed out, that the biggest reason I am into her is that she is into me. In my marriage, I was not made to feel all that special. At the end, when she cheated, I decided that I was pretty worthless. I have healed quite a bit since that time through meds, church, counseling, the gym etc. The problem is I still cling to ANYONE that pays attention to me. And the thing is, I know that once people start to get to know me, they realize I am so much more than they see. My current girlfriend tells me every day that she has no idea what she did to deserve me, and that she has never known what it's like to be with a guy as nice as I am.

I know I should break it off, but I don't want to miss out on a potentially good thing. Honestly, I love spending time with her, but now I am just confused about whether it's because of her or just how I feel when I am around her. I would like to think it is both...

ugh*

I like being alone, but at some point, it would be nice to have someone, and that there are not tons of red flags. It's hard to find a decent woman, really hard...


----------

