# huge crossroad - separated and now what?



## I<3life (Aug 17, 2016)

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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Getting married young has it's advantages and it's downfalls. The biggest downfall is that people mature at different rates, and as you mature you learn what you like. It takes hard work to manage that and still make the relationship a priority. It sounds like you have both gone in different directions. 

It it insurmountable? You didn't mention anything about abuse, addiction or infidelity. Those things make rekindling romance a lot more challenging. If those are not an issue, you both truly love each other (not the cheap infatuation kind of love, but honest, caring wanting the best for each other kind of love), then it can be done. Just takes hard work, honesty and learning to communicate. If one of you doesn't have the stomach for that, go ahead and divorce as one of the three problem areas I mentioned will surface eventually. Unhappy people do unhappy things.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Acoa said:


> Getting married young has it's advantages and it's downfalls. The biggest downfall is that people mature at different rates, and as you mature you learn what you like. It takes hard work to manage that and still make the relationship a priority. It sounds like you have both gone in different directions.
> 
> It it insurmountable? You didn't mention anything about abuse, addiction or infidelity. Those things make rekindling romance a lot more challenging. If those are not an issue, you both truly love each other (not the cheap infatuation kind of love, but honest, caring wanting the best for each other kind of love), then it can be done. Just takes hard work, honesty and learning to communicate. If one of you doesn't have the stomach for that, go ahead and divorce as one of the three problem areas I mentioned will surface eventually. Unhappy people do unhappy things.


Great advice here. It takes both people to want the marriage to work. It sounds like you want out and to find a man that meets your needs and makes you happy. Maybe even check out the green grass. Nothing wrong with that.

How frequent was the sex before separating?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You need another set of eyes and ears on your relationship to help you see where you are missing the connection and if it can be repaired. I didn't hear any mention of counseling... have you gone there? If so, how were you guided to place you both on the same path? If not... some of these professionals are masters at seeing and speaking what you can not, but you may go through a couple before you find the one that makes the difference... time well spent if abuse, addiction or infidelity isn't present as @Acoa said.


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## I<3life (Aug 17, 2016)

Acoa said:


> Getting married young has it's advantages and it's downfalls. The biggest downfall is that people mature at different rates, and as you mature you learn what you like. It takes hard work to manage that and still make the relationship a priority. It sounds like you have both gone in different directions.
> 
> It it insurmountable? You didn't mention anything about abuse, addiction or infidelity. Those things make rekindling romance a lot more challenging. If those are not an issue, you both truly love each other (not the cheap infatuation kind of love, but honest, caring wanting the best for each other kind of love), then it can be done. Just takes hard work, honesty and learning to communicate. If one of you doesn't have the stomach for that, go ahead and divorce as one of the three problem areas I mentioned will surface eventually. Unhappy people do unhappy things.


Thanks so much. There is no abuse, addiction or infidelity. There has been trust issues (mostly him not trusting me) for his lack of confidence in us. Recently, because of the spiral downwards in our marriage, I have wondered about him as well. But nothing of evidence. So clearly a trust issue as well. There is no infatuation between us, and no spark. I do care about his well being, as he does about mind. And we respect each other more when we are apart than together.


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## I<3life (Aug 17, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Great advice here. It takes both people to want the marriage to work. It sounds like you want out and to find a man that meets your needs and makes you happy. Maybe even check out the green grass. Nothing wrong with that.
> 
> How frequent was the sex before separating?


I don't believe in finding someone to make me happy, but rather bring their own happiness in and working as partners. We are responsible for our own happiness.

Sex before separating was once every 1-2 weeks. The problems were certainly there (and made sex harder), and always me who initiated. He didn't because he didn't want to be turned down and had a fear of rejection.


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## I<3life (Aug 17, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> You need another set of eyes and ears on your relationship to help you see where you are missing the connection and if it can be repaired. I didn't hear any mention of counseling... have you gone there? If so, how were you guided to place you both on the same path? If not... some of these professionals are masters at seeing and speaking what you can not, but you may go through a couple before you find the one that makes the difference... time well spent if abuse, addiction or infidelity isn't present as @Acoa said.


I went alone many years ago. He didn't want to then as he thought it was my problem. Now he has suggested going. Which may not be a bad idea. But we communicate well, are on the same page as to where we need to be, etc. WE respect each other and each others needs, but as Acoa mentioned, we have gone in different directions and different wants and needs. We understand that.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I think you need to remember that growing and maturing are two different things. You feel you have grown to be a person who requires challenges and motivations. In 10~15 years your kids will no longer need you and anything can happen to your business. You may want something else completely different then.

I found that in my 50 plus years life people who can challenge me are a dime a dozen. A person who I don't have to question her motive is truly rare.


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## I<3life (Aug 17, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> I think you need to remember that growing and maturing are two different things. You feel you have grown to be a person who requires challenges and motivations. In 10~15 years your kids will no longer need you and anything can happen to your business. You may want something else completely different then.
> 
> I found that in my 50 plus years life people who can challenge me are a dime a dozen. A person who I don't have to question her motive is truly rare.


Well said. I don't necessarily need challenges in my life ( i've had enough!), but a partner. An equal. Someone to be on the same page with.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I<3life said:


> I went alone many years ago. He didn't want to then as he thought it was my problem. Now he has suggested going. Which may not be a bad idea. But we communicate well, are on the same page as to where we need to be, etc. WE respect each other and each others needs, but as Acoa mentioned, we have gone in different directions and different wants and needs. We understand that.


If you both go and have counseling that is skilled at acting listening, then you might both realize your directions are not so separate but parallel and you simply have to many walls to see that and be given the tools to remove them. Your recognition where you are as you are there is an advantage and since things are calmer, counseling together may be the best way to decide your path, either together or separate.

At the end of the day, love evolves in all kinds of ways and as it intertwines our lives, we begin to see where our partner's strengths and weaknesses are, the insecurities you have mentioned shares a lot of his need for more self confidence and falling into a mother role for him did not show him a path for growing like he needed. We often fall into the role most comfortable and I am sure he did as well, growth as an adult is tough, with a family even tougher... showing our spouse and children our vulnerabilities is a tough gig but so powerful a lesson for both sides. 

Hopefully he can take the counseling with you, be humble of the changes needed, and begin a path to strengthen himself first, then you together, then both find out your evolved love still has the strong roots to succeed as you continue to use the lessons learned (and continue to learn) to rebuild your life as a family.

Or you can simply quit and continue to work out the dynamics of the next decade, but that will also take work, it's simply a matter of where you invest it... you both control your self-choices but the easy path (separation calm) may not be what it seems.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I<3life said:


> Well said. I don't necessarily need challenges in my life ( i've had enough!), but a partner. An equal. Someone to be on the same page with.


I can't help but think that underneath what you're saying is the underlying statement, "He's not my equal. I'm better than him now."


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## I<3life (Aug 17, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> I can't help but think that underneath what you're saying is the underlying statement, "He's not my equal. I'm better than him now."



oh god NO. I would never mean that. Wrong choice of words.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
He does not initiate because of fear of rejection? Has this been the case for some time now? That will put a man into a very compromised position wherein his patience, outlook on life and motivation to progress may be seriously hampered. You two communicate well, have you spoken of this disparity?

You mentioned finding a man, not to make you happy but rather to bring his own happiness into the relationship. Do you bring your own happiness into this one? Are you relying on your H to be what you "want" him to be for your happiness? Is it possible that his happiness is being edged out by his frustration at the lack of intimacy and fear of being turned down?

You spoke of communicating well together but do you really? Perhaps your communication has quantity but lacks quality. Have you discussed all of the issues or just that you two have grown apart? A new man or woman will bring excitement for a brief time but in the end sustaining that "joy" requires work and dedication. It often seems easier to find something new and discard the broken rather than put forth the effort to repair the old.

I would advise that you give this some careful consideration as what you describe of your marriage is what a lot of people aspire to achieve. Bathwater can become murky with the dirt of life, as can marriage from life's demands and stresses, just be absolutely sure that when you throw it out that the baby is not still in there. You may be throwing away something precious that you cannot see.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

I<3life said:


> . He didn't because he didn't want to be turned down and had a fear of rejection.


This is a huge flag. Why would he have this feeling? If its something you are putting out you need to correct this otherwise it will haunt in future relationships (if that's where this ends up going)


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