# HELP.. I cheated & now my husband wants to cheat



## csugar (Dec 1, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We married young because we were Christians and wanted to save sex for marriage, although we did experiment a little as we were together for 3 years. Anyhow, we started having problems almost as soon as we married because I started having panic attacks and this was new to the both of us; we didn't know how to properly handle my newfound anxiety.In addition to that we found that we had differing sex drives: he's happy with sex once a week and that doesn't even hit my bare minimum. I knew that my love language was physical touch (and so did he), but niether of us anticipated how important sex would be. I think we were both kind of thrown into a situation that we didn't know how to handle. No one forced us to get married, but I just didn't understand the implications of marriage at 19.

My needs weren't being met and I eventually cheated on my husband, twice. My first affair was short-term and I confessed to my husband. He forgave me and we attempted to move forward, but the issues in our sex life still weren't resolved. We tried to fix it, but the marriage counselors we'd seen honestly weren't much help. They confirmed that we had incompatible sex drives, but I don't remember getting any real advice. About a year after that affair I started another. This time I became really attached to the OM. It turned into a relationship that I valued and I didn't feel like I could give up. My husband found out and told me he wanted a divorce. I told him I wanted to work it out, but I continued to have a relationship with OM. I tried to end it with OM but after 2 weeks, I caved. The relationship continued, although after a few months it turned from a PA to an EA. Anyhow, my husband knew that there was still contact, but chose to stay until one day he got sick of it and told me that was it. I believed him and called the marriage counselor that my (personal) therapist had told me about. Upon meeting with the marriage counselor I told OM that it was over and to not contact me again. My husband chose to have some faith in me and stayed again. It's been over 2 months now and I haven't had any contact with the OM. 

Unfortunately, there's already been a lot of damage done. My husband is slowly facing his feelings and realizing how angry he is with me about what I did and the pain I put him through.He kind of checked out of the marriage after the 2nd affair and never really came back. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel it; he's not really in it. Anyhow, there have been a couple of occassions where he's been out and actively pursued other women. He's told me about the incidents and apologized, but all is not well. It's the calm before the storm. I just keep waiting for my world to be turned upside down with the news of his cheating. It seems like it's just a matter of time now because he's already summoned up the courage to get numbers and information from other women. He hasn't ruled it out from what I can tell. He's expressed that he's angry with me and feels like I deserve to hurt like he did. I also know that he's unsure about the future of the marriage, whether he wants to stay or go. He's also told me that because of this it makes it easier for him to justify looking outside of our marriage.

I don't know how to proceed. I want to keep my husband from cheating, but don't know what the 'right' thing to do is. I try to talk to him about it, but he either gets angry with me or pulls back and gets silent. Can anyone help?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You can't keep him from cheating any more then he could keep you from cheating. I mean how did his attempts at keeping you away from the OM work? I guess it comes down to whats inside him. And if he is different then you. It is almost like he is forcing himself to cheat. Unlike you, it doesn't seem to come natural for him to do it. If sex is so important to you and you are not compatible why not divorce? You were young and mistakes happen. You could set him free. I mean you cheated once, he forgave you. But you still cheated again. Even if he didn't cheat on you. You will cheat on him again. I mean based on what the counselors *"CONFIRMED"* to you (which by the way you said it, you obviously used it as license to have the next affair) it was only a matter of time till you cheated again. Because it wasn't your fault. You were incompatible sexually. I mean self control, love, commitment and your vows can't trump your wants. * One question you need to ask yourself, and this is important, has his attempts at toying with the idea of cheating on you effected your desire to have sex with someone else? If so, you may have had the self control the whole time and just didn't care enough about your husband or marriage to not cheat.* 

Another question. You said you were both Christians. Your husband may be more of one then you. Have you told him what this will do to his walk with the lord? Maybe you can bring it up to him in a non hypocritical way. 

Next, did you confess or did he expose the affair to anyone/everyone? If not you may have a chance to stop him if you are willing to take the risk of doing just that. I mean, call your parents and family, and his parents and family and tell them what you have done to their son/your husband. If he sees the devistation of your actions, the shame and pain you feel after confessing to your families, he may just not go through with it. It would also show him that you are willing to bear any cost to keep him. It may say to him that you really have changed. Because based on what you have said nothing has changed and you will cheat again.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wish I had the answer for you. I will be honest and tell you that I told my H I wanted to go out and cheat after I found out about his affair, but I said it in anger, and never even thought about it after I realized I had said it out of anger. Your H seems like he is a bit more sure of doing it. 

I am gonna ask this, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I am trying to ask it gently: Did you ever consider the fact that you weren't meeting your husbands needs while you were out with these other men??

Honestly, you might have to let go, or find a really good marriage counselor. There is a lot of damage and maybe you can overcome it, maybe not but you have to know if HE can overcome it as well. Have you apologized to him sincerely? What have you done to show you are being open and honest with him??


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## csugar (Dec 1, 2010)

Infortheduration, I'm sorry if you went through a similar situation with your spouse but that doesn't make my situation the same as yours. No cheating doesn't come naturally, it never has and for you to think that betrayal comes naturally to any human being only reflects your heart. If you don't understand that in (almost) every story of infedility there is a lot lonliness, discontent, stress and hurt you're really not seeing the big picture. I don't say this to excuse my actions, rather in that I hope you'll stop being so judgemental. On that note, I mentioned that we were Christian just to give an idea of why we didn't realize we had different sexual drives before marrying. I'm no longer a 'Christian,' but that's more of a personal spiritual struggle than anything else.


You're right that at the time, I didn't care enough about my marriage. I cared more about my desires than anything else, but I can't change that. It's in the past for me. 

Dawn, I've spoken with my husband and he says that his needs are being met, it's the anger about the affair that makes him just check himself out of the marriage. We talked for awhile last night and he says that he sees that I've changed since the last affair. He also said that he doesn't want to cheat on me, but I know that his feelings about this kind of cycle through.

We've spoken about divorce and it's not completely off the table. We've been together for 7 years and it's difficult to just let go for either of us. I guess if divorce turns out to be the best option, I hope we'll have the courage to do that.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I sincerely hope that things can be worked out with you guys. If you haven't already, I would ask your hubby for a list of things you can do to ease his insecurities. I asked my husband for some things like having each others passwords to emails, facebooks, cell phones etc. He updates me when he leaves work, tells me where he is going and when, makes sure i know where he is all the time, etc. He has done a lot to show me he is serious about this working. Have you tried anything with your h to reassure him?? You could have said it and I overlooked it, so let me know if I did LOL.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The passage of time since your affairs doesn't mean a thing if you dont gain insight and actively attempt to improve things between yourself and your husband.

An expression of true remorse given without prompting by him and not being deceptive anymore would go far in starting the process.

Your H is trying to get you to see how much he's hurting because of your failure to be faithful.

Is he at all willing to address your incompatibility? Are you?

If not, your marriage will be unsatisfying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scientologist (Dec 3, 2010)

csugar, it does not sound like there is much that you can do to control his behavior and commitement to fidelity, just as he was not able to ultimately control yours. It's a decision to fidelity that each person must come to for the right reasons, without coercion or superficial reasons that falter in times of stress. 

My guess is the only way he'll "check himself back in" is when he finds a way to forgive you and it sounds like you've done everything you can. Not everyone can forgive and grow from the pain. Many can not, even those that think they could before an event. You've done your part, wait and see if he does his, or if he turns the othre way.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Infortheduration, I'm sorry if you went through a similar situation with your spouse but that doesn't make my situation the same as yours. No cheating doesn't come naturally, it never has and for you to think that betrayal comes naturally to any human being only reflects your heart. If you don't understand that in (almost) every story of infedility there is a lot lonliness, discontent, stress and hurt you're really not seeing the big picture. I don't say this to excuse my actions, rather in that I hope you'll stop being so judgemental. On that note, I mentioned that we were Christian just to give an idea of why we didn't realize we had different sexual drives before marrying. I'm no longer a 'Christian,' but that's more of a personal spiritual struggle than anything else...


While I think Initfor comes across with great bitterness at times, I have to agree with him in this instance: it is human nature to betray. We do so because we are committed to pleasing ourselves, and we will do pretty much anything we can to acheive that end. It is only by careful, dilligent attentiveness to the commmitments we make _that override our innate committment to pleasing the self_ that we avoid betrayal and any other assortment of harmful behaviors. You yourself prove this when you say that you are 'no longer a "Christian"' - that in itself shows a willingness to turn against God, does it not? To call yourself a Christian and then decide that you no longer are is a betrayal of the basic tenent of Christianity - that you are God's child, and are so because of the work of Christ. It is to turn your back on what He did in your place.

_Nevertheless_, you point out some very important things: "...in (almost) every story of infedility there is a lot lonliness, discontent, stress and hurt..." 

This is quite true! An affair is an attempt to get these things fulfilled while ignoring the commitment you made to your spouse. In other words, it is an immoral and inappropriate way of "...getting what you want, when you want it, heck with the consequences..." (The same can be applied to the idea of rejecting Christianity - this usually occurs because it (Christianity) conflicts with the things we want...when we want them...in the way that we want them....etc. It doesn't work the way _we_ want it to.)

Yes, an affair is the wrong solution to problems in the marriage. It is usually a response to a lack of fulfilled needs. And this goes for BOTH partners - you are not alone in not having your needs filled in this; your husband, too, is choosing the wrong solution to these problems. 

He may deny that this has anything to do with needs, but I'm guessing this is because he hasn't taken the time to understand just what his needs really are (as in, perhaps (just examples), a wife who respects him, one who is faithful, etc.)



> We've spoken about divorce and it's not completely off the table. We've been together for 7 years and it's difficult to just let go for either of us. I guess if divorce turns out to be the best option, I hope we'll have the courage to do that.


Divorce is _rarely_ the 'best' option. It is _an_ option - one that your husband is certainly free to pursue, based upon your rejection of your marital vows. It is an option, but so is staying together - and that is most often the best option - especially if you are both Christians. 

michzz also makes a very good point:



> The passage of time since your affairs doesn't mean a thing if you dont gain insight and actively attempt to improve things between yourself and your husband.


This is _exactly_ what is necessary. And as Christians, there is an even further step: to learn what pleases God and do that because you want to. The entire issue comes down to this: 'to what are you committed?'

While your husband is making motions toward chasing after another woman, this is quite easily handled for him (if he wants, have him contact me via email through our website - affaircare.com) This is not as much a problem as it seems right now. But it does need to be dealt with!

He needs time to recover. He needs time to absorb some immense pain. He is numb, confused and hurt. And since this is the SECOND time he's been betrayed, it will be that much harder to overcome...if he does at all. 



> I don't know how to proceed. I want to keep my husband from cheating, but don't know what the 'right' thing to do is. I try to talk to him about it, but he either gets angry with me or pulls back and gets silent. Can anyone help?


You can't 'keep' your husband from cheating (could he 'keep' you from cheating?) - no human being can do this (without extreme violence, and usually that results in the end of the relationship anyway...) But there is a RIGHT way to do this. That 'right' way is to work on yourself. And if you were 'once' a Christian, then your priority is to get right with God first, because you are aware of the consequence of that betrayal! Moreover, it contains the answers (and the power) to fix the other problems in your life.

If I may point this out: while it may infuriate you, the problem you face is that fact that you tend to betray your promises. You choose your opinions, wants and desires over the things you say you will do! You find _reasons_ to do so. But if you think about it realistically, you'll see that the choices to cheat (on God or your husband) are not the NECESSARY solutions to your problems. And if you follow that logic far enough (and, indeed you do have some experiential evidence already) - to make the choice to betray as opposed to other options - you will see that this results in more troubles than existed in the first place! Instead of getting what you want, you make life even more miserable.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The OP didn't say she doesn't believe in God.

She's just not a Christian.

BIG DIFFERENCE.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> While I think Initfor comes across with great bitterness at times, I have to agree with him in this instance: it is human nature to betray. We do so because we are committed to pleasing ourselves, and we will do pretty much anything we can to acheive that end. It is only by careful, dilligent attentiveness to the commmitments we make _that override our innate committment to pleasing the self_ that we avoid betrayal and any other assortment of harmful behaviors. You yourself prove this when you say that you are 'no longer a "Christian"' - that in itself shows a willingness to turn against God, does it not? To call yourself a Christian and then decide that you no longer are is a betrayal of the basic tenent of Christianity - that you are God's child, and are so because of the work of Christ. It is to turn your back on what He did in your place.
> 
> 
> _Nevertheless_, you point out some very important things: "...in (almost) every story of infedility there is a lot lonliness, discontent, stress and hurt..."
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> The OP didn't say she doesn't believe in God.
> 
> She's just not a Christian.
> 
> BIG DIFFERENCE.


You're right. I noted that csugar mentioned that she had a 'christian' background and as such, built my post based upon that premise: a Christian has tools and aids that are not available outside the faith. My argument is based upon certain givens that are not available to non-Christian philosophies. My point was that if she and her husband do profess a belief in the propositions of Christianity - even if it is somewhat shaken or damaged, then they can pick up the notion of personal responsibility and the value of commitment that would really help both of them. 

The argument wouldn't work for anyone else because of the spiritual nature of the concepts. In that case, you'd have to come up with your own set of things 'god' does and then abide by those! A lot harder to do that it seems!


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## csugar (Dec 1, 2010)

Thank you all for the advice.

Let's take Christianity off of the table. I didn't desert God, it was quite the opposite. I begged and pleaded with God for something, just the slightest whisper of a response and I got silence in return. I don't know if the Christian God exists and I don't know if any other God exists, but I didn't abandon Christianity so that I could selfishly fulfill my wants. I did it because after believing for so long, I realized that I didn't really know and I still don't know.

My husband has been showing signs that he's out of the marriage. I found an email from several months back where he was corresponding with someone else flirtatiously. In addition to that, last week, he approached one of my best friends and told her how attracted he was to her. He's been pushing that flirting all week with her and I feel betrayed. I spoke to her and she was completely transparent about it so there is no mistaking his intentions. I feel so hurt and honestly am at a loss.

Yes, my affairs were wrong.. there's no question about that. Does that give him license to behave badly without consequence permanently? I don't know what to do. 

I understand now the pain that I caused him, but I just feel like he may have never loved me


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> personal responsibility and the value of commitment that would really help both of them.
> 
> The argument wouldn't work for anyone else because of the spiritual nature of the concepts.


It's ironic that you don't acknowledge that other belief systems value personal responsibility and the value of commitment besides your own--during Chanukah.

The OP does not have to be Christian (and which version) to attempt to live an ethical life.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Ya know, csugar - from what you write, it sounds to me like your husband is deep in 'the fog' - and is using your infidelity as a justification for his own. 

The fog clears, but until it does, you will be hearing a lot of things that you'll need to take with a grain or three of salt.

One piece of advice: start from the beginning to work on this:

check out this article from our website...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It's revealing that you keep addressing what Tanelorn posted rather than speaking to the person who originally posted this thread. If you have something ethical to say to the original poster or to add to that topic, please feel free. 

In the meantime the original poster is the one who mentioned their religious affiliation. Had she said she was Jewish the reply would have been addressed differently--we've certainly replied to and written respectfully to people of different cultures and religions here on TAM. However, when a person says they are Christian (or were) then we share that particular belief system and will respond in a way that is reflective of Christianity. Honestly I believe a true Christian is held to a much HIGHER standard of behavior and ethical conduct than "others" and the fact that so many claim the name "Christian" and fail to behave in a way that reflects "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" is a sad thing indeed! 

To that regard, csugar, I'm sorry to hear of your disillusionment and hurt at the hands of "the church." Sadly churches are filled with imperfect humans just like you and I, yet because it's supposed to be "God's house" or where we might worship God, somehow we think "the church" should be able to tell the truth from a lie or know how to behave, when often "the church" is the very place where you are shunned, treated poorly because you aren't wealthy, or the pastor is the one having an affair with the deacon's wife! It's horrifying and shocking. 

I'll be blunt and to the point--I'm sorry you've had to learn what the pain of betrayal feels like, as I can honestly say I would never wish that kind of pain on even my worst enemy. I've been beaten as a child and raped in college--and this is FAR worse! From what you write, it sounds like your husband is struggling so much with the hurt of a second affair that he's using that now as justification for him to do what he knows is wrong--sort of like you suggested when you said "license to behave badly." You know he's behaving badly, but think back to your own days of infidelity. In a way didn't you magnify his faults and minimize the wrong you were doing with the Other Man (OM) in an attempt to continue getting the attention you so deeply needed that felt so good? He's doing similarly now. 

Oddly enough, you're in a peculiar spot to be able to empathize with him. You know some of what he feels because you've been disloyal and because now you've been betrayed. I would suggest using that unique ability to empathize to your advantage and let him know that even though it hurts badly, in a way you can understand. At the same time though, you know as well as I do that it is NOT appropriate, okay, ethical (or whatever term you want to insert there) to use your adultery as license now for him to go out and commit adultery too. 

I'd also suggest taking a peek at an article we have on our site: "Coming out of an affair." This article is written specifically to disloyal spouses about the steps that need to be taken in order to end their infidelity and return to their marriage. I bet both of you could read that and have a pretty decent discussion! 

Why don't you take a look and then let me know here on this thread what you thought and if you have any questions about it?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> It's revealing that you keep addressing what Tanelorn posted rather than speaking to the person who originally posted this thread. If you have something ethical to say to the original poster or to add to that topic, please feel free.


Seriously, it is revealing that you can type up many paragraphs over 3 sentences I wrote.

The OP know my thoughts on her plight.

An ethical life can be lived outside of Christianity. I know you do not think so.

I posted what I did because the ironic timing of a post. 




Affaircare said:


> In the meantime the original poster is the one who mentioned their religious affiliation. Had she said she was Jewish the reply would have been addressed differently--we've certainly replied to and written respectfully to people of different cultures and religions here on TAM. However, when a person says they are Christian (or were) then we share that particular belief system and will respond in a way that is reflective of Christianity. Honestly I believe a true Christian is held to a much HIGHER standard of behavior and ethical conduct than "others" and the fact that so many claim the name "Christian" and fail to behave in a way that reflects "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" is a sad thing indeed!


This is the kind of posting that I was commenting on. A higher standard of behavior and ethical conduct than which belief systems? 

There are distinct variations of thought within Christian churches, enough so that many discount the validity of others. As an example, some don't allow divorce under any situations, others allow for adultery as a reason for divorce. 

And that is not even addressing non-Christian belief systems regarding that or any other subject.

If someone says they are not Christian, even if they were reared as one, I take them at their word.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

CSugar(OP):

when we post on public forums throughout the net almost
nothing is off the table. its up to the webmasters.

u stated a problem and sought/seek advice. certainly christianity qualifies as good if not better than any other
source to help you.

I keep gettin this song to play for u. dont know yer taste
but hope the H>S> helps u this time, but i dont know yer 
"obstacles" u've put up.

got speakers? play this:
YouTube - Welcome Home - Shaun Groves

u needed to get with a H>S> filled church &/or pastor 
which/whom can help u overcome yer "blocks" or mis-
understandings re: YOUR crying out/pleading to Him and
silence' problems. (we cant here, cuz we're not local)

maybe God will "show himself or be heard" in fixing this 
marriage mess of yours, OR...in the aftermath of a divorce
which yer H may do, if he doesnt get in THE WORD 
himself.

would share more and better but u may only blow it off
like others cuz its tooooo christian for ya.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Honestly I believe a true Christian is held to a much HIGHER standard of behavior and ethical conduct than "others"


I really appreciate the work that you and Pete do, I think it is valuable and I admire your commitment, but the statement above destroys a lot of that estimation. 

This sort of religious chauvinism is one of the reasons that people like me stay well away from organised religion.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Would anyone care to comment to the poster and not to us? If you'd like to discuss religion with us we'd be happy to talk on a post maybe in the Relationships and Spirituality section that's addressed to us. Meanwhile could we please focus on helping csugar? She's requested that we NOT debate Christianity on her thread, and about 99% of my previous reply was to her and her situation and helping her--not to debate religion!

And just so you know I apologize if my wording,


> Honestly I believe a true Christian is held to a much HIGHER standard of behavior and ethical conduct than "others'


 sounded offensive. I did not mean it to say that other religions are not ethical--that's a bit of a twist. What I meant was that if you are a Christian believer, the standard of behavior is "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" and that I think someone who says they are a Christian believer should hold themselves internally to acting like that. Where I think we go EXTREMELY wrong is being legalistic and pointing fingers and blaming others. I see a lot of people get turned off of "The Church" because of that. 

So again I do apologize if that sounded critical against other religions. The intent was "I hold myself to behaving as an example to people" and if I claim to be a Christian, if I behave badly it can reflect badly on my entire religion. If my wording didn't indicate it that way I would ask that you please forgive me. 

And now PLEASE let's focus on csugar here on her thread.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I would imagine that if he felt nothing for you he would just leave. It is probably also a way for him to try and get some power back in the relationship.

What else can you do but reassure him and remind him that your affairs brought you pain and suffering and would probably do the same for him?


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