# Non-traditional marriage situation, seeking advice



## PegLeg (Jan 3, 2022)

I am 39, my wife is 45. I met my wife around 2006. We dated, broke up, dated again, I moved in with her, we got pregnant in 2009, then married in late 2009, had our son in 2010. (She owned the house since about 2003, and we put my name on the deed around 2012.) By the time our son was born, we had relationship and financial problems, but powered through them. Time went on and we realized we were in it just for him. The romance was gone by 2012. In 2017 my wife thought she had met her soulmate at work. She proposed a scenario to me that we stay together and raise our son in the our house, finances stay the same, and we lead separate lives as far as dating goes. I agreed to this. She moved to the guest room. Our son has been in the loop as much as possible. Her soulmate guy did not pan out. She eventually moved on, but has not dated or seeked a partner since then. I started dating sometime in 2018. Nothing serious until I met my current girlfriend in May 2020. We fell in love. We've worked up to a routine of seeing each other 3 times a week (twice overnight at her house). She has met my son several times - they get along great. Sometime in the fall of 2020 my wife agreed to meeting her. I had her over to the house and the four of us played a game - everyone got along well. She's been over several times since.
More about my wife: she has become a functioning alcoholic, she has worked on and off since 2017, and I believe she has a mental condition (depression or bipolar or something related). These conditions pre-date 2017. She is still on my health insurance (I've been employed full time since 2004 with the same employer). She has been controlling (to the extent of manipulative) since I've known her. Small things can set her off at an irrational level. Then she might be fine the next day. If she thinks someone slights her or tries to take advantage of her in some way, that person becomes an enemy and eventually disappears from our life. She claims to be abnormally affected by her cycle, and claims to get her period more often and more severely than she should.

Needless to say, things have gotten stressful for all involved. My wife and I just had work done on the house that needed to be done (paid for by a line of credit against the house). We are still financially strapped, but get by paycheck to paycheck. My wife is worried I am going to leave and not stay in the agreement to raise our son (now 11) in our home. (I have always had a strong, stable, loving relationship with my son, spending much of my time with him. I am involved in all aspects of his life. Many know me to be a great father.) My gf wants to see me more often and wants me to have a plan to exit the situation with my wife (while not abandoning my son). I don't have a plan for at least another 4 years. My gf and I are now on a break until I figure things out. It would kill me to leave my son. I am hurting and missing my gf, and can't imagine her not in my future.

I know this is a lot to unpack, and there are many more details. I hope someone out there can relate or offer some kind of advice. Or just talk.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She jumped first and broke her spirit, collar bone.

You jumped next and landed on an odd frame-of-mind lady.

There is no good answer, pick the best of the worst.

Money seems to be the weakest link, correct that lack, and then divorce.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You put yourself in a position is completely untenable to sustain any kind of serious relationship with most women (apparently including your gf).

Figure out your finances and execute a joint custody agreement and get on with your life. Half-assed limbo existence is not a winning life strategy, and it’s a bad example for your son.


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

Total agree with Dudelnprogress!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> You put yourself in a position is completely untenable to sustain any kind of serious relationship with most women (apparently including your gf).
> 
> Figure out your finances and execute a joint custody agreement and get on with your life. Half-assed limbo existence is not a winning life strategy, and it’s a bad example for your son.


Only one thing to add to the above: stop making your new girlfriend pay the price. Rip that bandaid off and get it done.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think you made a serious mistake when you agreed to open the marriage and stay married. That should have been your clue that she is not wife material (at least not your wife). The fact that she found her "soulmate"  while you were married tells you what her true character is. Her alcoholism is just the final nail in the coffin. Do you really want your boy growing up in a home where he thinks it is normal for mom and dad to sleep in different rooms and have BFs/Gfs? And functioning or not, your son knows his mom has an alcohol problem. Do you want him in that environment full time? On top of all that she is keeping you from having a normal and happy life of your own. Yes kids take priority, but that doesn't mean you should martyr yourself. The financial issues can be addressed.

I recommend you do everything in your power to end this "marriage".


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## PegLeg (Jan 3, 2022)

Thank you all for your feedback. I feel I need to proceed cautiously because my wife and I had verbally agreed to our current situation. Nothing is in writing. I am worried that she will claim that I left the marriage and then accuse me of adultery or something. I want my son to be happy (he currently is), and want to be a major part of his life and raising him. I think I need help protecting and educating myself. I do not know what the laws are for verbal agreements, separation, custody, alimony, etc. I don't want to move too fast and scare my son and just leave his mom hanging out to dry.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

PegLeg said:


> Thank you all for your feedback. I feel I need to proceed cautiously because my wife and I had verbally agreed to our current situation. Nothing is in writing. I am worried that she will claim that I left the marriage and then accuse me of adultery or something. I want my son to be happy (he currently is), and want to be a major part of his life and raising him. I think I need help protecting and educating myself. I do not know what the laws are for verbal agreements, separation, custody, alimony, etc. I don't want to move too fast and scare my son and just leave his mom hanging out to dry.


Sounds like a good first step is to talk to a lawyer, even if you decide to stay for some reason. You should know where you stand legally.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

PegLeg said:


> Thank you all for your feedback. I feel I need to proceed cautiously because my wife and I had verbally agreed to our current situation. Nothing is in writing. I am worried that she will claim that I left the marriage and then accuse me of adultery or something. I want my son to be happy (he currently is), and want to be a major part of his life and raising him. I think I need help protecting and educating myself. I do not know what the laws are for verbal agreements, separation, custody, alimony, etc. I don't want to move too fast and scare my son and just leave his mom hanging out to dry.


There is no actual agreement and you are an adult, which means you can change your mind.

You are setting a horrible example for your son about what a marriage looks like. You're married and live together but have both been dating others? This is a charade.

You are likely a very nice guy, and you care about your wife even though she basically fell out of love with and wanted you to provide security and stability for her while she got her kicks with other men.

If you saw your son attempting to navigate a situation like this later in life, your advice would be a hard no.

I can't imagine your son trying to explain to his friends about his parents' relationships. It will likely become an embarrassing thing for him and he may not want to bring his friends home.

You need to take a step back and take control of your life. Your marriage is over. You're putting your girlfriend in a very awkward situation.

You need to take the lead on this situation and stop being fearful of your wife's reactions.

See an attorney and start the process.

ETA: She made a committment to marry you and love you, but she changed her mind... you can change yours about this after the fact verbal agreement.


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## PegLeg (Jan 3, 2022)

re16 said:


> There is no actual agreement and you are an adult, which means you can change your mind.
> 
> You are setting a horrible example for your son about what a marriage looks like. You're married and live together but have both been dating others? This is a charade.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I realize I am nice (sometimes too nice) and also weak. I also realize that my gf is in an awkward position, and she has been a trooper so far. Our love has kept us together, but I know she can only handle so much for so long. 

I need to hear these things.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Is your wife currently working? 

If she's not then your verbal agreement benefits her. Of course she'll get pissed if you divorce, who's gonna support her? 

Talk to a lawyer and see how you can settle custody and division of property. Your wife needs to be working otherwise you may be paying her spousal support. 

Don't let her control your life and your future. Do it fast before your gf finds someone else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

"Men love to mess up their lives and then justify why they do it."

- Richard Cooper


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What would your grandfather have done when he got back home from jumping out of airplanes behind enemy lines in the middle of the night fighting nazis or crawling through some jungle in the middle south pacific fighting the Japanese and your grandmother had told him that she was going to be banging some other guy but she wanted him to remain married to her, live in a guest room and continue paying the bills and fixing things around the house tending to kid while she screwed other guys????

And what would he have done if after screwing these guys (but surprisingly none of them wanted to take her on full time and marry her themselves - hmmmm isn't that strange, but oh well) she just sat around getting drunk and getting crazier and nastier but yet she still wanted to remain married and wanted him to remain in the house to pay the bills and fix leaky fawcetts and kill spiders for her? 

What would he have said? What would he have done? 

What has happened to the american male in just a couple generations??


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

PegLeg said:


> Thank you. I realize I am nice (sometimes too nice) and also weak. I also realize that my gf is in an awkward position, and she has been a trooper so far. Our love has kept us together, but I know she can only handle so much for so long.
> 
> I need to hear these things.


She was very unwise to get involved with a married man to be honest.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> What has happened to the american male in just a couple generations??


I ask myself the same question almost every single day !!!!! They went from trying to get in the 🐈 to actually being one. It must be in the water.


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you made a serious mistake when you agreed to open the marriage and stay married. That should have been your clue that she is not wife material (at least not your wife). The fact that she found her "soulmate"  while you were married tells you what her true character is. Her alcoholism is just the final nail in the coffin. Do you really want your boy growing up in a home where he thinks it is normal for mom and dad to sleep in different rooms and have BFs/Gfs? And functioning or not, your son knows his mom has an alcohol problem. Do you want him in that environment full time? On top of all that she is keeping you from having a normal and happy life of your own. Yes kids take priority, but that doesn't mean you should martyr yourself. The financial issues can be addressed.
> 
> I recommend you do everything in your power to end this "marriage".


Totally agree with your points. If an adult does not follow the rule, Indulge their desire. Has no awe and restraint of marriage, can he expect any positive rewards?

When children grow up in the family environment, watching selfish parents living together, both have their own boyfriends and girlfriends, children will form wrong outlooks on life and values, and children’s growth will continue the tragedy of their parents’ marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear PegLeg,


> My gf wants to see me more often and wants me to have a plan to exit the situation with my wife (while not abandoning my son). I don't have a plan for at least another 4 years. My gf and I are now on a break until I figure things out. It would kill me to leave my son. I am hurting and missing my gf, and can't imagine her not in my future.


So when you agreed to an open marriage with a infant child, you had no plan or vision of how you wanted your relationship with the mother of your child to look like? In the light of day that sounds kind of dumb.

Then you found your soulmate gf and she wants to know what you envision your relationship with her to be? 

You have been blessed with a life, don't waste it. Figure out what is important to you and figure out a plan so you end up living a good life, before you find out you threw it away.

Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so back in the day, she owned the house.
then she later added your name to the deed?
Was that just to show her love for you, or did you buy in with actual cash?

sounds to me like she still deserves the lion's share of the house equity....
is that what you were thinking too?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You have two options.

1) Divorce. Share custody of your child. Let your alcoholic wife sink or swim on her own like the rest of us adults. Move on and have a shot at a real marriage some day. Perhaps with your GF.

2) Stay married. Continue allowing your son to see a sham marriage and alcoholism as normal. Continue enabling your alcoholic wife so that she can remain as-is rather than improve. Let GF go. Continue casually dating with the understanding that no woman is going to wait 4+ YEARS for you to maybe finally leave your "wife".

I was raised to think you get pregnant, you marry the father, and you stay married til the kid is 18. I got pregnant, got married, and stayed married to a dumpster fire "for the kids". He had affairs. I had affairs. Then I met my "the one". 3 months in we were deeply in love, wanted to be together as a real couple, spend our lives together, and it was obvious something had to give. It was too real to remain an affair. I had to either let him go, heal, and move on from me or I had to finally end the charade marriage. I ended the marriage. 22 years later no regrets other than staying as long as I did.


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## PegLeg (Jan 3, 2022)

Talker67 said:


> so back in the day, she owned the house.
> then she later added your name to the deed?
> Was that just to show her love for you, or did you buy in with actual cash?
> 
> ...


Yes, this is where I struggle with finances and guilt. She owned the house since ~2003 (we met ~2007). She had been living with roommates who paid rent to her. I moved in ~2008 (roommates moved out), I made very little money at the time and had debt, contributed a little bit monthly. She was fully employed and had financial help from her dad for years. We got married in 2009. Shortly after, her relationship with her dad dissolved for reasons of her own, and he no longer helped financially. (Our son was born in 2010). Within a few years I started making more money slowly, we decided to put my name on the deed (out of love? to make things more official?). I did not buy in. As the years went by, she pushed me to get a new job/promotions. I got promotions, made more money, contributed more financially. By 2019 I took over the mortgage payments and most bills. We have always gotten by month to month, haven't been big spenders, and live in a nice neighborhood.

When the time comes, I would like to split the house/assets fairly. We have been agreeing to separate amicably. I'm not greedy or vengeful. What I don't want to happen is I get nothing for the house, lose custody of my son, and lose my retirement.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

PegLeg said:


> Yes, this is where I struggle with finances and guilt. She owned the house since ~2003 (we met ~2007). She had been living with roommates who paid rent to her. I moved in ~2008 (roommates moved out), I made very little money at the time and had debt, contributed a little bit monthly. She was fully employed and had financial help from her dad for years. We got married in 2009. Shortly after, her relationship with her dad dissolved for reasons of her own, and he no longer helped financially. (Our son was born in 2010). Within a few years I started making more money slowly, we decided to put my name on the deed (out of love? to make things more official?). I did not buy in. As the years went by, she pushed me to get a new job/promotions. I got promotions, made more money, contributed more financially. By 2019 I took over the mortgage payments and most bills. We have always gotten by month to month, haven't been big spenders, and live in a nice neighborhood.
> 
> When the time comes, I would like to split the house/assets fairly. We have been agreeing to separate amicably. I'm not greedy or vengeful. What I don't want to happen is I get nothing for the house, lose custody of my son, and lose my retirement.


You need to run all this by a lawyer. That is the only way you are going to really know how this can potentially play out. Laws vary by state, so you need someone local to help you. You may be able to get a free consultation, but if not the money will be well spent getting professional advice.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

PegLeg said:


> Yes, this is where I struggle with finances and guilt. She owned the house since ~2003 (we met ~2007). She had been living with roommates who paid rent to her. I moved in ~2008 (roommates moved out), I made very little money at the time and had debt, contributed a little bit monthly. She was fully employed and had financial help from her dad for years. We got married in 2009. Shortly after, her relationship with her dad dissolved for reasons of her own, and he no longer helped financially. (Our son was born in 2010). Within a few years I started making more money slowly, we decided to put my name on the deed (out of love? to make things more official?). I did not buy in. As the years went by, she pushed me to get a new job/promotions. I got promotions, made more money, contributed more financially. By 2019 I took over the mortgage payments and most bills. We have always gotten by month to month, haven't been big spenders, and live in a nice neighborhood.
> 
> When the time comes, I would like to split the house/assets fairly. We have been agreeing to separate amicably. I'm not greedy or vengeful. What I don't want to happen is I get nothing for the house, lose custody of my son, and lose my retirement.


good for you. it is a complicated split, but i am sure an accountant or financial expert can suggest an equitable split of the assets.

Glad to see you have become so successful in business too! that means a lot i am sure to your personal well being.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Maybe you should do some analysis on how much each of you have contributed toward paying the mortgage in total, that will help you gauge being fair.

Either way, you need to start taking steps forward toward a normal life and get it done while there is still time for your son to see a normal home life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Do you genuinely love your GF? If you do, then here's what I would do: move out, and take your son along, for at least 50% custody. You say that your wife is an alcoholic, so that will probably play a part in how much custody she will get, and whether or not it'll be supervised. I would imagine that your son would prefer to live with you. Talk to your GF about your next steps, and tell her that she's a key player in your life and you don't want to lose her. Get a lawyer, and start divorce proceedings. You also are showing your son that this is what a "normal" marriage looks like; is this really what you want to be teaching him?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yah I'm going to agree with the general theme of the responses you're getting here. Your son is 11, what he sees as a home life from you at this point is doing him no good, and will hurt his ability to have a normal relationship later on. Talk to a lawyer, get the house in tip top shape so it's ready for sale. 

My recommendation would be to find your own place to move into with your son and live just you and him for a while before considering moving in with the girlfriend. A good family therapist would be a good thing to help learn how to repair the damage thats already been done to your son.


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## Robert the Truce (Nov 29, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> What would your grandfather have done when he got back home from jumping out of airplanes behind enemy lines in the middle of the night fighting nazis or crawling through some jungle in the middle south pacific fighting the Japanese and your grandmother had told him that she was going to be banging some other guy but she wanted him to remain married to her, live in a guest room and continue paying the bills and fixing things around the house tending to kid while she screwed other guys????
> 
> And what would he have done if after screwing these guys (but surprisingly none of them wanted to take her on full time and marry her themselves - hmmmm isn't that strange, but oh well) she just sat around getting drunk and getting crazier and nastier but yet she still wanted to remain married and wanted him to remain in the house to pay the bills and fix leaky fawcetts and kill spiders for her?
> 
> ...


I do not think men get worse or better, they are just in sepia now. I think rather than think about what his granddad would have done, we should ask what he would want his son to do and from that what example to set


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