# Only Aroused by NEWness?



## zelazny (May 1, 2011)

i'm not sure if i should post this here.

forever i have thought this was just a standard problem about "being bored" in relatinships. but lately i'm wondering if this is a sexual problem: is it a sexual problem that i am only aroused by NEW partners, and only fantasize about NEW partners? and i cannot acheive sexual arousal (easily) with an established partner.

i have had this problem in all of my relationships, including my marriage (which is now over). this has occurred in five relationships that have been 2+ years each.

my relationships, including my marriage, have always started the same: intense passion, sex, fantasy-type head-first romances. the sex is always the most intense connection. 

until it isn't anymore.

my sex drive is so up and down in all of my relationships, that every single partner has commented on it. i am so sexually charged in the beginning, and then it completely drops off. to the point where i dont want to even be touched or kissed. to the point where, if we don't break up first, i become turned OFF by them, repulsed, etc.

obviously that creates problems. my husband was so tired of being "turned down" by his wife every night that the bedroom became a warzone. 

(there are many other reasons why our marriage failed, but this is the one i wanted to talk about here, since it recurs ALWAYS for me)

my pattern is this:


i become extremely attracted to a fantasy situation, like the guy i work with or the guy i chat with, etc.
i take steps to achieve that fantasy situation.
i DO acheive it.
it is incredibly satisfying for three to eight months.
then i can't acheive the same level of satisfaction, once we are in a serious committed relationship.
i stop having sex with them; i am turned off by them
relationship ends with me either leaving, or cheating/leaving

i know how trite that sounds. "girl gets bored" "girl is only attracted to fantasies"

but i can't stop this from happening. sex is such a huge part of my life and my relationships. i am a very sexual person. WHY can't i maintain a sexual appetite for my current partner? WHY do i always mentally drift away? i know you have to work at it, but I almost feel like i'm ONLY aroused by a "sex with strangers" or "sex with new person" scenario. 

my friends tell me that it's because i just never "loved" any of them really. but i don't believe it. 

i believe there's something wrong with me. and i'm afraid that i should never be married or in long term relationship, bc it will just happen again.

if anyone can tell me a book to read or a website to visit or anything that will explain WHY i am the way i am, that would help a lot. 

tia.

:heart:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Honestly, I would recommend counseling.
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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Look into getting medical help. You sound like you could be bipolar.

The dramatic mood swings and hypersexuality followed by complete lack of interest indicate it is possible.

Make an appointment with a psychiatrist and get evaluated.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Great author. I have read every book he ever wrote.

Read the link below. Sounds like you like it super hot in the beginning - and when you start to cool off they get frantic and make it even hotter. Which makes you feel intensely crowded and that is a huge turn off for many women. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




zelazny said:


> i'm not sure if i should post this here.
> 
> forever i have thought this was just a standard problem about "being bored" in relatinships. but lately i'm wondering if this is a sexual problem: is it a sexual problem that i am only aroused by NEW partners, and only fantasize about NEW partners? and i cannot acheive sexual arousal (easily) with an established partner.
> 
> ...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You need counseling. I'm no expert but this sounds like a totally treatable problem.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I doubt a book would give you a magic answer, but the others are right on. I'd check into a little therapy. You seem pretty aware of the problem, or at least have a good start. Your relationships aren't working out because you're building them on a fantasy. When the fantasy fades into the every day and the thrill of the chase is gone, there's no foundation. 

It's like you fall for Vin Diesel in the Fast and the Furious. He's hot, the cars are awesome, the races are thrilling...but getting gas, changing the oil and complaining about how much tires cost isn't nearly as entertaining. Even if it IS Vin doing all of those things. And what happens when you want to talk about politics instead of cars? When you pick a partner based on a fantasy, who knows what you get behind the facade, right? 

So the question is, why the fantasy guys? Why do YOU chase them? And what's so scary about finding a guy to really get to know and build intimacy with instead of jumping in both feet all at once? What are you protecting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You have arousal burnout. You need successively new or more extreme stimulation to achieve the same level of arousal. But you know that already. You said it yourself. So the question is, why are you experiencing burnout? As an alternative I would suggest you partake of all these new things with your current mate. Get completely outside your comfort zone. Unless it's illegal or prone to injury or death, I would try it.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

you dont need anything. EVERYONE is like this, especially women. thats why there are so so many divorces and so much cheating. Alot of people think that there are so many other things that go into relationships and marriages besides sex...but there isnt. sex is the ONLY thing that matters. If a woman doesnt want to f*ck her husband then it doesnt matter how good of a man, husband, or father he is...she will have more romantic feelings for a random guy she meets at starbucks. the only thing she will feel for her husband is guilt. she will feel guilty that she doesnt love such a good man. and make no mistake being in love IS ENTIRELY dependant on sexual attraction and marriages are only meaningful if your in love. if you dont want to have sex with someone then there is no way that you love them or want to be with them. So, no i dont think there is anything wrong with you...your just like everyone else. you just make final choices that most people in your position are too scared to make. So, since you know yourself and want you need...just live a life where you try as hard as you can to not hurt other people.... definitely dont get married again


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

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