# Need advice on my 4 year old.



## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello all. My wife and I have 3 children. All close in age. The middle child will be 5 next month. He is the one we have issues with. First of all, he is a late talker. He talks but his pronunciation isn't that clear. In fact, the youngest child who is soon to be 4 talks much more clearly. He tends to scream a lot when he is angry. The ear piercing kind of shrieks that make people think we are hurting him even though we dont even spank. His screaming did get CPS to visit us once, who realized we weren't abusing the children and closed the case. We thought he might have a mild form of autism and had him evaluated. The evaluator said he just talked too fast and tyat he was fine, but she doesn't live with him and he seems to behave around her. Also I don't believe she pegged his speech problems down correctly. Today he waa being very disobedient, doing things he knew he shouldn't have been doing. Refusing to obey and my wife raised her voice to him. He started crying and saying no one liked him. (This is the second time he has said this.) My wife sat down and reassured him that we do love him very much..We are just at a loss with him and we do realize he may need more of us than the other two..any advice please?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the other two children?

He's a middle child. The first child is special. The youngest child is special. The middle child is not. That's probably how he feels.

He might be yelling alot because he feels that it's the only way he can get the attention he wants. A child will get the attention they need. If they feel they cannot get positive attention, they will do things they know are wrong (bad) to get attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. Now I know you are going to say that he gets tons of attention. But it does not matter what you say. What matters is his own perception.

When he was younger, did the older sibling talk for him? Some children do not talk at a young age because they don't have to.. an older sibling does all the talking for both of them.

Be careful about getting him diagnosed and labled. The first thing you need to determin is if this is about him needing/wanting more attention, to feel that he's important, to feel that you love him. He's already told you twice now that he does not feel liked/loved.

What I would do is give him some special one on one attention. TAke him some place special, just him. When the other children are around make sure he gets positive attention. Maybe even make sure he gets a bit more attention then the others (for a while) and see how he resonds.

Only after you have done some things like the above would I take in him for evaluation. Speach evaluation would be the first thing I'd think. Get a second opinion.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Kids are all different. At 4, that shrieking business has to stop. Probably the best way is to not reward it. If it's attention he's seeking, send him to his room. When he's calm, show him attention. 
Might not be a bad idea to schedule some special one on one time with him or maybe have a set time every night for kid time, with each kid getting to decide what games to play or books to read for his/her particular night. 
I wouldn't worry about his speech just yet. My niece was a late talker. My wife is a teacher and was concerned this girl was developmentally challenged. I knew that was bogus. The kid was obviously very intelligent. Sure enough, she's articulate as anyone, has a super vocabulary, plays piano, does gymnastics, and is brighter than most 8 year olds. She's only 6. 
Don't sweat the "you don't love me" comments. He's four and he was mad. He can't beat his parents up so he says things he knows will hurt. Again, don't reward it (like coddling him and explaining that he's wrong). You'll get to hear "I hate you" and "I'm running away" and all sorts of junk before they are grown. If he gets caught screwing up and gets reprimanded, ignore whatever protest or ugly words he says. Proceed with the corrective action. Before I released mine from whatever time-out or punishment I'd given them, I had them tell me why they were punished. They'd tell me what the rule was that they had broken and how they broke the rule. In this way, they learn that any correction is related to their conduct and not because I'm mad or don't love them. 
I'm big on praising them when they make good choices and I think positive reinforcement actually works better than the negative (though both are necessary). Like, next time your son gets corrected or is handed a disappointment and doesn't throw a hissy fit, pull him off to the side, give him a hug, and tell him how proud you are that he handled it like he did.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You have been given some good advice above.
Tho only other thing i would add is have you had his hearing tested?
Hearing loss can cause slow speech development and might explain the screeching.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

His delayed speech is an indication that his brain is developing inconsistently. Don't worry, that sounds a lot worse that it actually is! Emotional regulation is a very sophisticated process when you think about it. Children feel in terms of black and white and they have to learn to feel shades in between. Start by naming the feelings he's showing and introduce higher concepts. I can be angry at what you are doing but I always love you. I child with poor emotional regulation is a prime candidate for developing anxiety disorders later in life so being patient, and seeking to teach is the key here.

Teach him that some things "trigger" his anxious response. Teach him to identify that his response has two components. One, how he feels in response and two what he does in response. "It's okay to be mad at your bother but it's not okay to screech like that. You are having a hard time remembering NOT to screech when you are mad. How can we work together so you remember NOT to screech when you are mad?"

That all sounds so easy to do... but it is a long process. 

Does he have night terrors or trouble sleeping? Does he go to all day school or day care? How is his behavior there?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hello OP,
I would suggest you seek out help from a specialist. I too was told my son was a late talker, but as soon as you mentioned the shrinking. My autism alarms went off, no I'm not diagnosing just suggesting you find a specialists. We saw a neurologist who specialized in autism for help. If you are in the US look for the TEEACH program. They do diagnosis but usually have about a two year waiting list, however they can suggest a specialist you can go to. Also reach out to the public schools, he should be entitled to speech therapy and placed on an IEP. If he is four you should have no problems doing it. PM me if you like to,

Good luck.
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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would seek out a specialist and have his hearing tested. If his hearing is fine, he may have some speech issues. When a child has trouble communicating, it leads to extreme frustration/anger. 

I'm sorry - this must be really hard to go through.
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## jamicarolina (Apr 9, 2013)

My stepson has Aspergers and wasn't diagnosed until he was 8. They misdiagnosed him with ADHD at age 4 and he clearly has all of the signs of Aspergers. Aspergers kids feel sometimes like they are not liked, he definitely makes high pitched screatching noises (a lot) and is higher energy than most. He was very hard to handle until they figured out that he did indeed have Aspergers and he is doing so much better. He is a different, much happier kid. 

I am not suggesting that your son has Aspergers but I do think that sometimes you have to go with your gut and seek out the answers. He obviously has some emotional issues and at such a young age this should be looked at again. I wish you a lot of luck with your son, hang in there, you are a great parent for reaching out for help!


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Please get him evaluated by a speech therapist aswell. Speech and language delay is one thing and speech disorder another. It could be he is frustrated not being able to express his wants and understand well. Children with language disorder can show behavior issue and asd tendencies. Hope u can get it done soon, the sooner he gets intervention the faster he will improve. 
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