# At the end of my rope with MIL



## Endofmyrope16 (Nov 7, 2013)

Craziness


Had to edit and take out actual names..
FIL- father in law MIL-mother in law BIL- brother in law 
"She"refers to her
and when I refer to "you" and "your" I am referring to my husband 
as if I am able to tell him all this which I love and respect enough to not actually be this blunt.. I also want to add that she is now in 2013 only 61 years old. She had some health problems because of morbid obesity but had gastric bypass in 2009 and her health is much improved.. Now she just has mild type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol and gets iron via IV every 3 months because she doesn't absorb enough after the gastric bypass)

This is a summary of issues over the years... But after 16 years I'm at the end of my rope.. I typed my issues kinda brief but I hope you get the gist of each one..

Cried almost every time we left when we were dating cause she couldn't deal with you loving anyone possibly more than her or you not being completely devoted to her and her every need

Every vacation ruined by her untrue horrible news and health issues that did not exist
Breast cancer, liver failure, lost job, cancer found etc.

First time she came to our first condo, when I got home from work she stormed out crying declaring she will never come to the condo ever again for no reason.. She could not handle us living together and it being "my" home and not in her control to come and go or change things as she please. Completely in called for and unacceptable and should have been put in her place way back when !!

Told us FIL had 3 months to live on our honeymoon.... inoperable brain tumor.. Had tumor but not cancer and it was operable..

When we returned from honeymoon she laughed as she told us haha that you now share our anniversary with your ******* biological fathers he was a estranged from partly due to her constantly putting him down) birthday (to try to taint it)

I took care of FIL food, clothing, calls from nursing home (That I worked at for several years and fought to get him a bed there) in the middle of the night not to mention being paged daily to come down to his room to talk to him only for her to take him out AMA because one night you were unable to bring her to nursing home because you choose to go to ER with me when Our 2 year old son was sick (embarrassing to me at my place of work not to mention not in FIL best interest) (unacceptable yet did nothing)

Had us spending over a 100.00 a week since we started to get serious to buy her things she acted like she needed and couldn't afford until about 7 years ago (2006) when I caught on how ungrateful she is and how it was a game to test your devotion vs BIL

Lied about everything always and continues to do so every single day.

3 times when her and I were not speaking for a few weeks I and only I gave in and apologized because it was "too hard on you" (and I didn't want to hurt you) which sent her the message that she could continue to manipulate 

When she was too overweight to do anything I worked taking care of FIL and did EVERYTHING for them both including wipe their butts (even though you hate to hear it, it is a huge deal.... How many daughter in laws do that for their 52 year old mother in law who got too obese to reach???)

Took her to every wound clinic appt which included dragging my baby along.
Took her 25 miles for every bariatric appt as well as cardiologist for almost a year so she could have gastric bypass which also included dragging my baby along too
Took her to every follow up appt as well as many misc appts.
She never considered offering gas money or anything else for that matter
It's like she expected it and of course I'd do it so you and BIL wouldn't have to miss work. And if we didn't commit to it she would throw a tantrum and refuse to get the gastric surgery.. Just like she had us commit to taking her when she put FIL at both nursing homes I got him into.. She would make her 80 year old father drive her to doc appts or to see FIL ..Can not do a damn thing for herself. It's selfish and sickening and we allow her to do it. Why ???? Even BIL gets mad and tells her sometimes.. But you just can't. Again, why ??? What are you afraid of? I don't expect you to be as stern as I am with my parents cause I seem to be stronger but you don't do anything at all. Just yes mom and I love you mom..

Anytime we planned a family day "away" she would need to go to ER at 6:00am and you would have to take her and our day would be cancelled... We had to take the back burner for years before BIL stepped up to help take some of this burden (ie planned trips to MASS or VERMONT etc)

Every wedding picture she wanted a copy of was only of you and BIL She is so crazy she even made wallet sized photos of you and Tony from our wedding to hand out when you were 30 years old

A lot of her furniture and appliances are things she "put her name on" for when I was "done"with them.. In other words I want and I need too !!

She could not even change a light bulb or do laundry for herself. My mother can barely walk (her own doing) but she does the day to day stuff for herself and doesn't have an aide to help which your mother gets 60 plus hours of services to help with FIL and home..

Always crying about how she had a terrible life as if her children are supposed to fix it. You are her son not her spouse. Some conversations should never even take place. That's what her couple of friends are for. She's alienated so many people by her actions that she's only got 2 friends left.

Made sure she alienated you and BIL against anyone she wasn't getting along with.. ie: Your real father, Aunt, Uncle and Grandfather or anyone who might expose any possible lies about your father or any of the other things she's made you feel bad about in the course of your life. . And now the mans (biological father) dead and she still bad mouths him not considering if it hurts you. She can't know you visited his grave or his spoke to his friend. She is your mother and claims to be mother of the year so she should be supportive to you. It's not a one way street. 

When we lose someone in the family she acts like she is the only one suffering a loss and its yours and BIL job to take care of her and any of her needs 24/7. All hours of the day and night and it's obvious she takes advantage of all of us. We are more supportive to her then most families yet it is never ever enough. 

I helped take care of your grandmother getting into nursing home and her funeral arrangements.(because as crazy and mean as she could be at times I loved the woman very much).... Held her hand and took care of all of My FIL's arrangements (he sadly passed in January) arrangements (again because I love John and was very close to him from the time he had the surgery 1999 til his death) but she continues to hurt me and play games

Has already begun with guilt trips on our children (My 10 year old is to take care of her when he becomes an adult).. He supposed to Call and write letters when and to who she dictates. He's 10. Just because you had to grow up at 7 does not mean our kids have too ! (When my husband was 7 and his biological father left them she told him he had to be the man of the house and he did.. He checked locks every night, took care of his younger brother and anything else his father should have been doing for her)

You MUST call her everyday to avoid repercussions... Because she has this control over you that started when you were a child and has not let up.. You have spoiled her way beyond anything she could possibly deserve. You have dropped me and the kids for her needs many times over the years whether you realize it or not. 

Tells me one thing, BIL something else and you something different then acts as if we don't talk to each other. She can not keep track of her lies

Plays you and BIL against each other............ The same thing she complains Her parents did to her and Her brother and sister... Makes everything a competition.. She could not have any money put in her name because she collected so much welfare and is on disability from before her gastric bypass surgery which she now gets her SS and claims she can't work because now she's depressed). She is constantly telling us BIL bought me this and bought me that... Her inheritance money may be in BIL's name but (from her father when he sold house and FIL's life insurance) it does not mean BIL is spending his hard earned cash on her but she purposely words it that way so that you feel guilty and BIL is doing more for her then us. But I'm sure if he needs money they have an agreement and the hell with you.

I threw her a party after he gastric bypass surgery not to mention making a special day for her birthday but yet she actually got mad at us last year for not throwing her a big 60th bday party... Who were we going to invite (she doesn't talk to her neighbors, her father, her siblings, her ex-coworkers). The list would have consisted of her, us, BIL and her 2 friends she has left. which is what we normally do anyway for her birthday

Made a bunch of lies about losing her state subsidized housing which took me many phone calls and meetings and embarrassment to work out only to find out it was ALL lies.

I wait on her hand and foot when I'm around... If not me then the kids.. Which I don't mind being polite but it disgusts me when she acts like its our job and not a privilege.

We took FIL to our home when she was sick so that he would not have to go to a nursing home. We ran out in the middle of the night when FIL was sent to hospital only to find out she was exaggerating as usual. We have wasted many many hours in the ER due to her "antics". 

It was mostly our friends that came to FIL's wake and funeral that she insisted on doing both.. Doesn't she understand we have a lot of good friends who also feel sorry for her all the time and even they offer to do stuff for her even though she is usually just fine and is ungrateful. She doesn't concentrate on all we DO. Instead she cries over ridiculous stuff that we CAN NOT DO..

Lied about how much money she got from FIL's insurance and Her father... Puts it in BIL's name and then tells us "BIL" bought her this and "BIL" bought her that (with her own money to try to make us feel we are not doing enough or our share). Never thought to pay off A loan you had to consign for so they will stop harassing us.. Never thought for a minute of spending a dime on us or the kids to show she appreciated all we have done and spent on her over the years. She also made you co-sign for a student loan that she barely pays and she never earned a penny with the certificate she received. She went on SS disability right after she got certificate as a medical assistant.

Takes advantage and occasionally has us back up a lie for her even if it might affect us. Soc security, housing, food, utilities, Home health program and anything else she can get her hands on. 

Can't tell her our plans cause even if they are for the kids she will come up with something (ailment for her or FIL (before he passed) ) to ruin it. Tells you that you have to be "on call" when BIL's away and to stay close by and vice versa. Not allowed to make plans during those times and definitely not tell her if we do... That's just plain sick. BIL can't even tell her he was going to Aruba because she threatens us with her damn non existent panic attacks. 

Manipulation in every thing she does to somehow control you and many times it works. If it doesn't somehow benefit her she wants nothing to do with it


Despite what you think I Truly feel I come second to her... Mostly because I think you think that I will always get over it when I have to take a backseat (literally too) to her and that's easier for you then worrying about her getting mad at you. I think you are so afraid to upset her and that's how she controls you (ie... Calling her every day, calling her when we are away, making the kids call her, running over there when ever she needs something, doing whatever she asks when she asks you, etc)
You also defend her or make excuses for her behavior instead of doing a damn thing about it. And not "what I want you to do" you don't do anything at all. Never any consequences. But you have no problem telling me off if I'm being unreasonable. That doesn't make sense. You rather have me mad at you then her ? Really ??? You allow her to walk all over us over and over again and it's only going to get worse. She's only 61 years old for gods sake. She needs to do something by herself for herself once in a while instead of you constantly rescuing her.
She can't take her own car for an oil change or emissions
She can't change her own curtains or change a light bulb
She can't clean her own closet
She can't take her garbage to the dumpster (you had to take it to the curb every week when she was in corner apt)
You had to also run over and carry her groceries up
She can't move her car when they plow
Instead of getting roadside assistance for 3.00 a month she expects you to stop what your doing and run over whenever she has the slightest problem... She is not right around the corner it's 20 mins or more each way
She would take time from her grand kids with us in a heartbeat because she is selfish.she constantly asks me to call so and so for her or make appt for this and that. Come on, she can't make a friggen phone call herself ???


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I got to the cried paragraph and didn't really need to read anymore. Your mother in law likely has a personality disorder and you have been sucked into the vortex. 

First. Read about relationship triangles.

Second. She's not your mom. Start having your spouse interact with her. She calls, hand over the phone. She needs something, hand over the phone. H doesn't want to talk to her. He will call back, good bye. Etc. 

Third. I highly recommend Individual counseling for you. It will help you flush out your feeling and help to show you your role in the dynamic and also a way to break the cycle. 

There is hope. The change must come from you. You can't change or control anyone but yourself.


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