# Ladies-- need help with my "Nice Guy" dilemma-- please



## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

name one (or more) SPECIFIC actions or words to make my wife want me.

We have a good marriage but over 7 1/2 years I think I have grown from the interesting wanderer to the domesticated Beta, and that is apperently not turning her on. 

I have read some of the books, forume, blogs, etc, but would love to know of SPECIFIC thing to say or do. 

TIA.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> name one (or more) SPECIFIC actions or words to make my wife want me.
> 
> We have a good marriage but over 7 1/2 years I think I have grown from the interesting wanderer to the domesticated Beta, and that is apperently not turning her on.
> 
> ...


1. Get a gym membership and start working out.

2. Buy some stylish clothing and wear them to work or at social events.

3. Bond with some male co-workers, start hanging out - maybe attend a sports event with the guys.

4. Pursue a hobby or interest of your (not her) choice.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Be in charge of things around the house without having to be asked/told. Are your finances in good order? Are you in charge there? Does your wife feel like you are the protector of the family? Do you make sure she gets time for herself to feel good about herself? (Gym membership, nice clothes etc). 

I'm basing my responses to the very limited info you've given. I know that for me no amount of gym going is going to help if my H was failing in taking charge of things at home and was having to be told what to do all the time. My H used to be like this. Needed to be told what to do like a child. Now he steps up and takes charge which allows me to step into my feminine more which makes me feel in the mood for sex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Show her that you're leading the family to a good financial future by taking an active interest in not only your job and paying bills, but in finding other ways to build up the nest egg - books, education courses, seeing an investor, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you say you're a Nice Guy? Do you give in to her demands?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Get back in touch with the interesting wanderer that you used to be.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why do you say you're a Nice Guy? Do you give in to her demands?


She is very much a 'planner' type and I never have been that way, so a lot of times she lets me know what is going on and what we need to do. 

IE, we have teacher conf on wed, i have baby shower sat, need to get this and that, etc.; typically I just do what I need to do which is usually what she has determined needs to be done. 

If this is the cause of her lack of sex drive, not really sure how to get away from it. I do have a gym membership and currently she is in school so we do finances together but a lot of the social stuff she is just more into than I am. 

I am trying to find the line between just being a jerk and being a take-charge guy (which is probably against my nature) that will be more sexually attractive to her.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Take care of yourself, physically and mentally.

Nurture your self-esteem and self-respect by doing things that help you to continue to grow as a person.

Develop / maintain healthy boundaries.

Give and earn respect by walking the talk.

Always have goals, both personal and joint.

Be assertive.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

You first have to be genuine interested in taking the family somewhere. We have been married 8 years and we discuss a lot where we going as a family even with our baby girl that haven't arrive yet. My H is not content to meander complacent through life with no purpose. Even if you see your lives as being adventurous and exploring new places, have a plan for it and direct that plan with plenty of input from your wife. 

If you have kids in you have a desire to fill their life with wonderful discoveries and family activities and outings have a plan. 

This just one suggestion along with the other you have been given.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try saying no sometimes. No, I've made other plans for Saturday night, so I can't go to the Tupperware party with you. And then GO somewhere.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> I am trying to find the line between just being a jerk and being a take-charge guy (which is probably against my nature) that will be more sexually attractive to her.


Take charge is VERY sexy to me and I suspect to more women than are willing to admit it.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Mo42 said:


> She is very much a 'planner' type and I never have been that way, so a lot of times she lets me know what is going on and what we need to do.
> 
> IE, we have teacher conf on wed, i have baby shower sat, need to get this and that, etc.; typically I just do what I need to do which is usually what she has determined needs to be done.
> 
> ...


Start making plans! Get up one morning and say "actually honey I want to go for a hike, which day on the weekend works for you" and make it happen. Take charge, stop following her around letting her be the masculine. Chances are she doesn't like being in charge all the time...but she has no choice because you just go along to get along. She's treating you like another child and you are acting like it.

Doing things you want to do and planning things for your family does not make you a jerk so stop thinking this!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find a night where she hasn't scheduled something, book a new restaurant you haven't been to (new stuff raises the endorphins), and tell her to keep that night open, you have something planned.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One day my H picked me up from work, he had a bag packed of swimsuits and clothes, and a picnic basket filled with fruit and cheese and wine. He took me to this wonderful place that gives you double massages and then leaves you alone in the cottage with a fireplace, music, hot tub, pool, hammock...for the next two hours. Most awesome thing I've ever encountered, especially because he totally took charge and booked it, picked me up, had everything planned.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Tunera you are a lucky woman!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Start your own hobbies and take time for yourself. Don't give into demands and expect to be respected. Even if it means putting your foot down.

My husband is a really nice/good guy. He's always putting my needs before his own and I really appreciate every thing he does for me. I don't ever take advantage of him ever! One thing I've noticed that he is extremely protective of me and the kids. Other people think he's a pushover, but he's just the opposite.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mo42...it is really more complicated than just saying some certain combination of words to "make her want you".

Did you read the whole book NMMNG?

Have you checked out their forum?

They have a lot of guys there to help guys like you. Not that we can't help you, but you'd really have to tell us more about what is going on.

How old are you both?
How many kids?
How long married?
Was there ever heat and passion (be honest)?


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

yes i have read NMMNG. have not read the website.

I am 42, she is 37
2 kids-- girl 5, boy 2
married 7 1/2 years
YES there was passion at one time and very often on her end, but mostly BEFORE we were married

The reason I posted on here is b/c I wanted women to respond to what would make them more attracted to their husbands/men. Wondering what kinds of things they DO that bring out your sexual attraction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What they do is be completely confident. 

It's not what they do to or for the woman.

That includes not going along with something just because she planned it or says so.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have a sex blog in my signature below my name....maybe check it out? I actually talk about how madly romantically and sexually in love with my husband I am, and I do describe some of the things he does that make me so hot for him. Keep in mind, I am writing about myself and not necessarily trying to "teach" anyone anything in my blog...BUT I do put a lot of fun info in there, some tips, some theories, etc.

I know that you most likely will not be able to just adopt "the way my husband is" to "how you are"....but still, just take a glance. Maybe start with this post, because ultimately, (IMO) you need to feel like a HOT sexy beast who would want to do YOURSELF before you can expect anyone else to want to do you:

I Married a Sex God: 15. Would You Do You?

(note for new reader: ESP = extremely sexual person....there is a Sexual Proclivity Scale in another blog post that explains this)


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Also a random note...when I first put my blog up, I sent it to Robert Glover (author of NMMNG) asking him to check it out and he actually did! His response was: 

Thanks for sending the info about your blog. It is well written and I can see where it could be a great resource for couples. I'll also keep it mind if people ask me specifically about this kind of information.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I would agree with the idea of being more take-charge with one big caveat: it seems that oftentimes, 'take charge' is often confused with bossy, arrogant, etc. I would have loved for my ex to take charge of things, or even to share household duties, etc. with me. There were times he'd do the 'take charge' thing, but wouldn't actually take the time to do things right, or on time, or learn about the thing he was taking on, etc. So I had to do them myself anyway, and very often fix the things he messed up. Didn't help matters AT ALL, lol. 

So, for example, if you're going to get more actively involved in household finances, really learn about the household finances and follow through. Realize that if your wife has taken on all of these things, she's probably gained a degree of knowledge and experience. Respect that; don't have an attitude that you're going to suddenly step in and do it better. If she's developed some resentment from feeling like she's had to do everything (whether that's valid or not), an attitude of 'hey I want to share this with you' will be much better received that something that seems arrogant or judgmental. It may be hard for her to let go of some of the tasks and chores, even if she wants to, until she knows you're really in it for the long haul and that you want to do it well.

And good for you for wanting to do this!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Step #1 towards being a man...

Stop asking women what you should be doing.

Do what YOU want, not what you think is what other people want. If you're going to take the advice from anyone else, it should be from other men.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I just read the entire thread and I must say , OP,
You have been given great , honest , down -to-earth advice 
[IMO ], from the women on this thread.:smthumbup:


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Do you notice your wife, I mean really notice her & then remark on what you see?
I love when my H takes the time to be aware of me & be in the moment. 
I mentioned that I liked a particular brand of ice cream, one that is hard to find, I honestly doubted he would remember what I said.
He brought me home the ice cream...I attacked him before I even put a bite in my mouth.
We spent the entire wknd in bed, only getting out to shower & get food. 
Mon morning he sent me a text telling me how much fun he had in bed with me that wknd, including the cuddle time, along with the sexy. 
For our anniversary, he bought me two cards, one funny, one serious, what he wrote inside was even better, because he mentioned specific instances of things that we had done together, the reference to the togetherness is what got me, as he knows. 
My weakness is him talking about us, the use of "we/us" is my aphrodisiac.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mo42 said:


> *She is very much a 'planner' type and I never have been that way, so a lot of times she lets me know what is going on and what we need to do*.
> 
> IE, we have teacher conf on wed, i have baby shower sat, need to get this and that, etc.; typically I just do what I need to do which is usually what she has determined needs to be done.
> 
> ...


Ok, not being your wife , I can not get into her head, BUT I am also the Planner type and my husband is not the "taking charge' type so much... can I say I have NEVER , for a moment resented any of this... or thought less of him.. or this had anything what so ever to do with my sex drive.

I am far better at planning, researching, calling, scheduling, keeping our larger family organized.... this allows him to focus on his job and what needs fixed around our house, I have never had to nag my husband cause he is on top of it all... I've always deeply respected him.

This is where he failed...He was* too PASSIVE* in his needs sexually, *too much of a GENTLEMEN*.. if he got the slightest notion I didn't want him , he'd just roll over, he never talked to me about it... he never did anything unpredictable like wrestling with me on the ground, ya know...*playful stuff* that could have added some spark.

I was content with once a week sex for far too many years, looking back this was ridiculous as I always had a good sex drive and even masterbated sometimes thinking he wouldn't want woke up in the middle of the night. 

I learned 4 yrs ago, back then he read something online about how to get more sex..this article said to help with the dishes, house work.. for me, this was purely not the answer..I was never an "Acts of Service" woman... He needed to flirt more, show his need..a little lust, tell me to get the babies out of bed, that he wanted his wife... get me hot and bothered & show me what I was missing. 

This may not at all apply to you..but these were OUR blunders.. back in the day... his joining a gym or getting more hobbies I do not believe would have done anything for someone like me...other than thinking he doesn't enjoy spending his time with me anymore.. which would have started a conversation from my end.....

From that perspective though...this may be a good thread for you... as your thermostat is likely too hot and if you lower it.. she will take notice and start THAT conversation >>


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