# Spent



## DrkJrny (May 9, 2012)

My wife and I have been married roughly 18 years. Like most marriages we have had our ups and downs. There has not been any infedility and no physical abuse. What there has been is a lack of a emotional and physical relationship.

For the majority of our marriage, I felt like I really didn't matter to my wife. I feel that my wife enjoyed pushing me away. I've tried until there was no trying left in me. I became so distant that my wife even noticed. She asked why it didn't want to be close to her and I explained "When the phone rings your natural tendency is to answer it. But if you picked it up and it shocked you, you probably would think twice about picking it up again because it hurt. After getting shocked enough, you wouldn't pick the phone up anymore because you know what will happen when you do." I explained to her that she was the phone and I was tired of getting hurt.

Another issue with my wife, it was always her family that came first in her life. That's just the way it was and I had to deal with it. If there was a problem between her family and myself, I was automatically in the wrong.

My wife lives to please her mother and the problem is that my mother-in-law knows it. To make matters worse is my mother-in-law doesn't like me. I truly believe that my mother-in-law sees me as a challenger for my wife's attention and would be privately estatic to see us get a divorce so she could come to the rescue.

We can't go on any vacations without her parents because it's something my wife has done since she was a child. In reality, we don't go anywhere without them. We go out to eat they go. There is never any alone time and I think my wife prefers it that way.

I knew there was a problem that I didn't feel we could solve so I mentioned that we might want to think about going to a marriage counselor. My wife said she didn't want to go because I was the one with the problem, not her. I did go and after several session, I found out that the only reason that I was staying in the marriage was because I didn't want to hurt my wife. I wasn't staying in it for me.

It took a while, but I finally told my wife that I wanted out. She broke down and said that she knew it was all her fault. That I had really tried. Now she wanted to do everything she could to save our marriage. I told her that we could try and I wasn't going to make any guarantees. The problem is that my heart just doesn't seem to be in it because I really don't believe anything will change and it will end back up to where it was. I've tried to forget the past, but I just can't. I'm thinking that there are too many scars and too much damage has been done.

My life is filled with frustration and for the most part I can't say that I really enjoy life anymore. I can't even remember the last time that I truly felt happy about anything. I don't feel like I want to try to save the marriage anymore. I just want out.

Does life get good again after divorce?


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

I feel the same way, my H did the same thing. Pushed me away, didnt want to be affectionate. I cried, begged for him to show me some affection, to hold me comfort me--make me feel special to him. I got pushed away, he would sigh when I got close to him, I felt disgusting or something. Now that I have been hurt over and over, tried my best to let it go and make things work, I have lost feelings for him and finished trying to make him love me the way I need. He now wants to make things work since I said I wanted to seperate..so I understand that part, I feel sorry for him for some reason because now he is willing to change--I just dont have it in me to try anymore. I dont really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

DrkJrny said:


> Does life get good again after divorce?


Yes and no, it all depends on the person and what they decide to do with their life after divorce.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, no one can answer that question for you. It did for me, no doubt, and I found a man who treated me with constant affection and respect -- made me realize just how bad things had been in my marriage.

But others will have different tales to tell. The great thing is, you are in charge of your own fate. That's also the terrifying thing


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

DrkJrny said:


> Now she wanted to do everything she could to save our marriage. I told her that we could try and I wasn't going to make any guarantees. The problem is that my heart just doesn't seem to be in it because I really don't believe anything will change and it will end back up to where it was. I've tried to forget the past, but I just can't. I'm thinking that there are too many scars and too much damage has been done.


Seems like the obvious question is whether she really understands that she must cut the apron strings from her mom and be a part of her own marriage. If she just says that "she'll be better", it will never cut it. She should be able to practically lay out the new rules that she would be able to hold herself accountable to. Things like making your marriage a priority every day. Making a plan for how she'll communicate with her parents in a way that doesn't hurt the marriage .... every week. What things she will share with her mother, and what she will not when it comes to your marriage, given her behavior in the past.

I really think that if you begin to SEE a change, you can rebuild that connection. To be honest, I'm at that stage myself, although for completely different circumstances. One day, I began to realize that the loneliness I felt within the marriage just didn't seem to be a part of my life now, after my wife asked to reconcile.


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