# I was unhappy had EA...now I think my husband is too...IDK what to do



## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

Short summary: I've been married 15yrs, 3 kids (14, 11, 9yr). I have solely been supporting my family of 5 for the past 10yrs due to my husband not working. He has a autoimmune disease and goes through periods of flare-ups but other times he is okay. He would absolutely be able to hold a part-time job at least. I've communicated over the past 10yr how much the pressure of everything is wearing me down as I pay all the bills, maintain the house, alternate grocery shopping, work FT, had to get a 2nd job to help make bills and hubby forgets to take meds, calls me at work and starts fights, etc. He has been spending anywhere from $75-150/mon on himself for a variety of things (comics, video games, etc) which we fight about ALL the time as we are unable to make bills. Back in Sept. he became clear to him how close to being done I really was. I made a AWFUL choice and had an EA with my 1st love which last about 3months..hubby found out and was obvi upset and caused MAJOR problems with us. All communication and future communication is DONE with my EA as has been for a while now. Since he found out about the EA, DH has been trying...he started driving for UBER/Lyft 4-5day/week for 2-3hours. He has gotten better with the spending and spending a couple more hours a week driving..but nothing CLOSE to a part-time job.

So yesterday I was looking around on DH computer and saw on his Twitter that he and this girl were msg back in Jan 2018..there were msg on there which spanned over 2weeks but was also referring to prior things. The last msg was on Jan 28th so I don't know if they have spoken since. Also I checked his FB and he has been looking for an old girlfriend for at least the past 1yr and then I found msg b/w the 2 of them from back in 2009 & 2010. Nothing was sexual with either woman but was referring to buying them things, paying their bills, etc.

Should I confront him? I don't know what to do....


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Madhatters.... 

I dont know what to advise besides you know that it hurt him to cheat, and now you know the pain too. 

You both can try to mend this, but forgetting about it, or rugsweeping will not solve your marital problems. 

YOU should confront, but as to how hard and drastic you go that is entirely up to whether or not you want to salvage the relationship?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK, if its true that you are both having emotional affairs: One important initiator for EAs is when someone finds that they can no longer feel they can talk openly with their spouse, so they start out just "talking" to someone else. 

So, in this case it sounds like both you need to talk to someone. I know it sounds trivial - but TALK TO EACH OTHER. Both do your very best to be non-judgemental and find out what the other is thinking / feeling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling both as a couple and individually.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> OK, if its true that you are both having emotional affairs: One important initiator for EAs is when someone finds that they *can no longer feel they can talk openly with their spouse*, so they start out just "talking" to someone else.
> 
> So, in this case it sounds like both you need to talk to someone. I know it sounds trivial - but TALK TO EACH OTHER. Both do your very best to be non-judgemental and find out what the other is thinking / feeling.



its more than that. it is often that they have drifted away from having common interests with their spouse, but find someone new they DO share common interests. He probably met this woman online while gaming, for instance. 

the key here is, like said above, start talking about it. feel free to discuss the EAs for both of you. ASK what he got out of it. See if you can not find some common interest things to do together! I would also make clear rules between the two of you that the EAs NEVER progress to a physical meeting.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Talk to him. Just talk to him. Tell him your concerns. 

Sounds dumb? Niaive? You are in a relationship and that means you have to relate. Either you are going to relate to each other or you are going to meet your needs elsewhere. If you do that, eventually you will start to question why you are married. 

I don’t know how it will end of you talk to him, but I am pretty sure you are screwed if you don’t.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dragonlady2314 said:


> Short summary: I've been married 15yrs, 3 kids (14, 11, 9yr). I have solely been supporting my family of 5 for the past 10yrs due to my husband not working. He has a autoimmune disease and goes through periods of flare-ups but other times he is okay. He would absolutely be able to hold a part-time job at least. I've communicated over the past 10yr how much the pressure of everything is wearing me down as I pay all the bills, maintain the house, alternate grocery shopping, work FT, had to get a 2nd job to help make bills and hubby forgets to take meds, calls me at work and starts fights, etc. He has been spending anywhere from $75-150/mon on himself for a variety of things (comics, video games, etc) which we fight about ALL the time as we are unable to make bills. Back in Sept. he became clear to him how close to being done I really was. I made a AWFUL choice and had an EA with my 1st love which last about 3months..hubby found out and was obvi upset and caused MAJOR problems with us. All communication and future communication is DONE with my EA as has been for a while now. Since he found out about the EA, DH has been trying...he started driving for UBER/Lyft 4-5day/week for 2-3hours. He has gotten better with the spending and spending a couple more hours a week driving..but nothing CLOSE to a part-time job.
> 
> So yesterday I was looking around on DH computer and saw on his Twitter that he and this girl were msg back in Jan 2018..there were msg on there which spanned over 2weeks but was also referring to prior things. The last msg was on Jan 28th so I don't know if they have spoken since. Also I checked his FB and he has been looking for an old girlfriend for at least the past 1yr and then I found msg b/w the 2 of them from back in 2009 & 2010. Nothing was sexual with either woman but was referring to buying them things, paying their bills, etc.
> 
> Should I confront him? I don't know what to do....


I'd consider it a GIFT that he's looking elsewhere.

Let someone else support his worthless, lazy ass.

That would be the best 200 pounds of dead weight you ever lost.


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

I appreciate everyone's input as I have been thinking a lot about it over the last cpl days. I did confront him last night and I remained very calm, stated I know how embarrassing it is to know I saw what he said and to get into details as I was in that position myself. I made it clear that he is totally a hypocrite for all the stress and outgragous behavior he has done the last cpl weeks (waking me up in the middle of night to fight, calling me at work and fighting, fighting and saying details in front of the kids). He then continued to demean me about being an awful person, desperate and generally a complete piece of sh**. On top of all of that this week has been the anniversary of my fathers recent passing which is a VERY tough time as we had a strained relationship...so definitely still mourning. When his dads death anniversary was last month I put everything aside and focused on being what he needed. 

To say the least its been a rough couple days. I'm trying to keep perspective and both EAs are different, we both had different motives, time frame, information disclosed, and content of msgs. Regardless of my issues with my DH there is no excuse for my EA and his was a reaction to mine. I'm hoping more than anything we can work on the core issues that got us here. His refusal to work, his refusal to even acknowledge that something is fundamentally wrong with him having no problem putting all this pressure on me to solely support our home despite the affects on my emotional and mental health. It has ONLY been since he thought I was leaving him that he started doing Uber a cpl days a week. 

I definitely agree that a HUGE if not primarily the reason my EA happened was I was beyond lonely, hopeless and I could never talk to him about my biggest issue in this marriage therefore I don't see a end in site. I cannot for the sake of myself keep living like this. We live paycheck to paycheck and still don't make all the bills. But I also lost respect and intimate love for him. 

So we will see how this all plays out...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If he doesn’t care enough to work and help support his family, then it’s time to leave the lazy POS. 

I have no respect for a man that doesn’t even try. 

See a lawyer and family services. Get the info and help you need and file for divorce.


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> If he doesn’t care enough to work and help support his family, then it’s time to leave the lazy POS.
> 
> I have no respect for a man that doesn’t even try.
> 
> See a lawyer and family services. Get the info and help you need and file for divorce.


I completely agree....the fact we EVEN argue about him working is the most ridiculous thing...of course he same old response "he can't with his medical condition" I said people in wheelchairs have jobs! Smh....I'm just at a lost. He thinks that "I'm doing what I am suppose to do. When your spouse is sick...then you support the house" WTF! He definitely is sick but he has days he is functions just fine. I figure if you can go grocery shopping, movies, walk around Target...you CAN get a job. Its so unbelievable to me that I have to try and convince my husband to work.... 

I know it is just a matter of time....after everything we've been dealing with over the last cpl months....he still doesn't get it. Whenever I talk about him working the convo goes the same way it has for 10yrs...that's why I stopped even talking to him about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dragonlady2314 said:


> I completely agree....the fact we EVEN argue about him working is the most ridiculous thing...of course he same old response "he can't with his medical condition" I said people in wheelchairs have jobs! Smh....I'm just at a lost. He thinks that "I'm doing what I am suppose to do. When your spouse is sick...then you support the house" WTF! He definitely is sick but he has days he is functions just fine. I figure if you can go grocery shopping, movies, walk around Target...you CAN get a job. Its so unbelievable to me that I have to try and convince my husband to work....
> 
> I know it is just a matter of time....after everything we've been dealing with over the last cpl months....he still doesn't get it. Whenever I talk about him working the convo goes the same way it has for 10yrs...that's why I stopped even talking to him about it.


Dragonlady, you are the first that I have said this about. I can completely understand why you turned to someone else. Your husband is so flipping unbelievable. I wonder if he wants some cheese and crackers with that whine of his. 

Do what you have to for you and your kids. Your husband is a lost cause.


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Dragonlady, you are the first that I have said this about. I can completely understand why you turned to someone else. Your husband is so flipping unbelievable. I wonder if he wants some cheese and crackers with that whine of his.
> 
> Do what you have to for you and your kids. Your husband is a lost cause.


I appreciate you at least not making me feel like a POS for what I did. I know I made vows and I want to honor those but I cannot even put into words the feelings I have when my husband responds like that about working. He keeps saying "well I'm working now (driving for UBER/Lyft 2ish hours a day 4xweek--maybe) and I get that but 1st of all its not "a real job" and I mean that in the sense of a reliable income...not just when you feel like it. I swear I feel like im in the twilight zone when he makes me feel like such an awful person for wanting him to work. He says things like "I only care about money" "This is what your suppose to do" "You made vows" "You don't care about my health" "I will run myself into the ground and get addicted to pills just so I can work then", etc. He is so manipulative. Now my son is starting to repeat and say the same things to me as my husband, that I don't care about his health, I'm un-sympathic, $ is more important to me than anything, etc


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Stop arguing with him. 

I know from personal experience he torn up from what you did. The more you argue the more he will distance himself.

If you want a chance with hime, be honest. Devulge everything to him. Ask him if you can talk. Tell him just to listen. Tell him everything to him. Tell him details that he hasnt asked for. When your done, tell him all your passwords and accounts. Tell him when hes done looking at them that you want him to delete the accounts and or change the passwords so you dont have accesss to them. Do not make an account behind his back. If he asks why, say you lost those privledges from your actions.

This will show him remorse and let him know you are trying to be honest.

Remember he is hurt, what you did caused the death of your relationship. You need to allow him to trust you again. 

If he asks about details of your past, immediately tell him without delay regardless of your shame.

He will lash out at you, he is doing this due to the damage you caused. It will take months for you to repair what youve done to him. 

Again, if you want to reconsil, youll need patience and hope that he'll come around. Do not argue with him, tell him what he wants to know.

Try your best to be as physical as you can with him. He will start thinking about you a lot if you can get him there. Do things you know he likes even if you not a big fan of it. A woman can seduce her man if she really tries hard. 

Again, dont argue with him, admit you were wrong and tell him everything.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dragonlady2314 said:


> I appreciate you at least not making me feel like a POS for what I did. I know I made vows and I want to honor those but I cannot even put into words the feelings I have when my husband responds like that about working. He keeps saying "well I'm working now (driving for UBER/Lyft 2ish hours a day 4xweek--maybe) and I get that but 1st of all its not "a real job" and I mean that in the sense of a reliable income...not just when you feel like it. I swear I feel like im in the twilight zone when he makes me feel like such an awful person for wanting him to work. He says things like "I only care about money" "This is what your suppose to do" "You made vows" "You don't care about my health" "I will run myself into the ground and get addicted to pills just so I can work then", etc. He is so manipulative. Now my son is starting to repeat and say the same things to me as my husband, that I don't care about his health, I'm un-sympathic, $ is more important to me than anything, etc


Your husband made vows as well at your wedding. He hasn’t kept his sense he stopped supporting his family and has placed the burden of everything on you. 

You had a EA you said. You needed someone to actually care about you and listen to you. As you describe it, your husband isn’t there for you and hasn’t been for awhile. 

Divorce and move on with your and your kids lives.


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

Txquail said:


> Stop arguing with him.
> 
> I know from personal experience he torn up from what you did. The more you argue the more he will distance himself.
> 
> ...


As much as I appreciate your input I COMPLETELY disagree with almost everything you wrote. Everything he is doing now is due to his actions or lack thereof. There is no excuse or justification for what I did however....I own that. 

I am no longer willing to hold his hand and baby him. I did not marry and commit my life to a man-child. He checked out this marriage looooong before I ever did. I resent this fact or understanding that spouses are obligated to sacrifice their happiness for their partner. You don't get to "check-out" and then still feel like you are on even footing...cause your not. 

TBH...I'm not that upset about what I found on his computer...it allowed me to get an honest look at the state of our marriage and how neglected it has been. The days are over that I put his needs, feelings and wants above my own. That only continues are toxic dynamic and I am no longer going to engage in that type of relationship or communication. 

So he can either get with the program, step up and help me around the house and many other ways or things will change. Either way...things WILL be different going forward for the betterment of both of us.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dragonlady2314 said:


> As much as I appreciate your input I COMPLETELY disagree with almost everything you wrote. Everything he is doing now is due to his actions or lack thereof. There is no excuse or justification for what I did however....I own that.
> 
> I am no longer willing to hold his hand and baby him. I did not marry and commit my life to a man-child. He checked out this marriage looooong before I ever did. I resent this fact or understanding that spouses are obligated to sacrifice their happiness for their partner. You don't get to "check-out" and then still feel like you are on even footing...cause your not.
> 
> ...


I doubt you would feel the way you do now if your husband was actually trying to help you from the start of his illness. But like you said he has been acting like a child from the start. His actions or lack of help has brought you to your current situation. I say if he was a man about his illness instead of sitting play games all day, you would never of lost your respect for him.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

dragonlady2314 said:


> Txquail said:
> 
> 
> > Stop arguing with him.
> ...


Wow, you dont sound remorseful at all.

Well good luck


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> I doubt you would feel the way you do now if your husband was actually trying to help you from the start of his illness. But like you said he has been acting like a child from the start. His actions or lack of help has brought you to your current situation. I say if he was a man about his illness instead of sitting play games all day, you would never of lost your respect for him.


You got it completely right. I just struggle to have respect for anyone that is not willing to do whatever it takes to support themselves and their family. But you got it right on the head...if I felt like he was doing what he could..when he could this would be a completely different situation. 

Can I ask what your story is? What brings you to TAM?


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

Txquail said:


> Wow, you dont sound remorseful at all.
> 
> Well good luck


Unfortunately as ugly as this is to say, I'm probably not as remorseful as I should be. I never wanted this to happen and it's extremely unfortunate. But that is my burden and I'll have to answer to that. What I know is that I have allowed myself to become so resentful, angry, disappointed, felt alone, and betrayed by my husband that I allowed myself to get to this point. I have to answer to that for myself and my kids. 

The biggest lesson I got from this, is that I alone am responsible to communicate my feelings whether it is hard to say or not...I have to "man up " and own my feelings if not...I obviously allowed myself to compromise my morals and values.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dragonlady2314 said:


> You got it completely right. I just struggle to have respect for anyone that is not willing to do whatever it takes to support themselves and their family. But you got it right on the head...if I felt like he was doing what he could..when he could this would be a completely different situation.
> 
> Can I ask what your story is? What brings you to TAM?


My wife has never stood by me when I need her. But I have never told my story. At the same time I know exactly how you feel. The resentment, anger, lose of trust in someone you thought would stand by you. To have them fail time and time again.

One last thing, the loneliness the feeling that there is no one to help. That you are by yourself.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

dragonlady2314 said:


> Txquail said:
> 
> 
> > Wow, you dont sound remorseful at all.
> ...


If you change and try to better the marriage, it will eventually bring him around. 

Give it a shot for a month or so and see if he changes. If both of you are going to be stubborn then you will fail.

Think of this, when you and your husband was dating. If you got mad at him, if he were to bring you flowers and choclate while treating you nicely, your anger would go away a lot quicker. Its hard to stay mad at your spouse if they are trying to resolve the issue.

Now reread what I said that you disagreed with. If you try it for a month or two without seeing a change in him, then hes left you mentally already.

Another key issue is that you are trying to convince yourself not to be remorseful. Really? Over an emotional affair while married? Yes drop your defensive wall and take the responsibility completely on your own. I would hate to see you get a divorce and then realize you lost your husband because of this.

I assume you came here for advise. Im just giving you what brought my wife and I closer together. I treated her with kindness and did things as I did when I first met her. It took about two weeks and I was getting nice messages from her, more of her sharing her thoughts, and more of her wanting just to be with me. 

You may disagree with me, but what do you have to lose? Two months isnt that big of a deal is it? You might win him back and be even more happy


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Txquail said:


> If you change and try to better the marriage, it will eventually bring him around.
> 
> Give it a shot for a month or so and see if he changes. If both of you are going to be stubborn then you will fail.
> 
> ...


Did you not read in DL’s OP that her husband doesn’t lift a finger to help?

What are you even talking about? 

Why would she want to win him back? 

Dragonlady and her kids would be better off with out the lazy POS. He won’t get off his backside to help support his kids. What type of father does this. 

Talk with a lawyer DL and take their advice.


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Did you not read in DL’s OP that her husband doesn’t lift a finger to help?
> 
> What are you even talking about?
> 
> ...


THANK YOU! I was thinking I was crazy reading those other posts! I know what I did was wrong and I am not proud of that but I cannot accept that this is my life and will continue to be. 

We of course got into again last night when I said something about him working a PT job...he started crying and of course my kids got upset. He kept saying that the driving for UBER/Lyft was a big accomplishment for him and I don't disagree BUT that is not enough. 

I feel like it makes me such a bad person that I am tired of dealing with his normal husband stuff, his illness, and my own issues. I'm so SCARED my depression is going to come raging back since I feel so hopeless. 

I'm not attracted to him anymore...doesn't keep his hair cut..he lost a cpl front teeth a cpl years ago...he's in good shape but between his health issues, appearance and our martial issues...I feel repulsed most of the time.


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