# Should I divorce my wife and marry the other woman?



## youtubelud (Nov 28, 2010)

My wife was my highschool sweetheart, we dated for 8 years, then married, we have been married for over 15 years. We have teenagers. I have never cheated on my wife as it should be. Always have been a family man dedicated to my children and marriage. About 4 years ago I started missing intimacy from my wife, sex was 1-2 times per month. Wife always laid there, no kisses nor real action. This started bothering me, I suggested hormones or counseling but she refused. I got to the point where this really started bothering me. I recently met another woman and became close friends with her, then something i should have never done happened. I cheated on my wife with this other woman. Now I feel am in love with the other woman, I regret doing this while am married as there's no excuse for it. But I feel this other woman gives me what I lack at home. I miss this other woman which she is leaving her guy too. What should I do, I feel like leaving my wife and marrying the other woman. I feel my wife is just a friend, but no connection or love anymore, intimacy is not there. Please advise me.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

NO! If you are able to take a step back and think about this logically you will see this is a crappy idea….. 1 – what you have with the other woman isn’t real. It is a fantasy relationship. No stress, no real life to get in the way. Once you get divorced, are bring baggage to the relationship, and the real world.
2 – You need to think back to early relationships – ones where the chemicals where involved (love sick). If you are really honest I think this is love sick/love blindness that could cause you to see the grass on the other side as greener.
3 – If she was willing to mess around with a married man, would she be willing to do that again once she was married to you.

I think the better question, is to take a look and see what has happened with the sweetheart from your youth. How have things faded over time, and what can you do to get back to a good marriage?
Look at your marriage from your wife’s perspective. You mentioned lack of sex from your side (and intimacy). Has she lost some aspect too (her best friend, someone she had fun with, someone who made her laugh, etc).
Have you asked her any insightful questions – what she has always wanted to do and hasn’t? If she is happy/fulfilled? Just be aware – if you ask the question you have to be ready for the answer.

Good luck


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You should have no further contact with your mistress and go to work rekindling a relationship with your wife. It's time you spoke to your minister or a counselor. I also recommend you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The book does a fine job of explaining the entire "in love" stage of a new relationship......and how this too will fade in 18 to 24 months.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It may be that you truly love the OW and should leave your marriage but I think it is only fair that you tell your wife what has happened. It's better than trying to decide what to do in a vacuum. I think by telling her what is going on, you will clarify in your own mind what would be best to do. But do please tell her. 

It will be difficult but, better for both of you. For her, she can move on to someone that she feels passionate enough about to have sex with and you to move on as well.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well the stats say only 3% of affairs turn into second marriages. So you can pretty much think of being with the OW as a very low shot. Just because she says she's leaving her husband doesn't mean she will. She may very well leave you high and dry.

I wouldn't reveal the affair to you wife unless you have to, but it is time to really make a serious effort at changing your marriage.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> It will be difficult but, better for both of you. For her, she can move on to someone that she feels passionate enough about to have sex with and you to move on as well.


Plenty of couples bounce back from these sort of issues. For all we know so far she may simply have a low sex desire due to birth control pills or low level depression.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Agreed. I would NOT disclose the affair but I would let her know that the lack of intimacy is not acceptable. Give her a chance to work through it with you. If she refuses THEN you should do what you need to do. Maybe a trial separation will wake her up. 



Atholk said:


> Plenty of couples bounce back from these sort of issues. For all we know so far she may simply have a low sex desire due to birth control pills or low level depression.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> what you have with the other woman isn’t real. It is a fantasy relationship. No stress, no real life to get in the way. Once you get divorced, are bring baggage to the relationship, and the real world.


This hits the nail on the head.... ask yourself if your wife still gave you what you are experiencing with this other woman would you be betraying your wedding vows, your marriage, your wife and your children?

You sound like a good man that wouldn't normally indulge in this behaviour but you are sadly lacking what you "need and deserve"in your marriage, for this reason I say NO you shouldn't leave your wife for the other woman.

I am only young myself and have only been married for 4 years so i can not know what it is like to be married for over 15 years, i do understand i do think i understand the "routine"that that would gradually grow after that long.

in regards to your sex life with your wife, i can understand that you are not enjoying having your wife just lie there during intimate moments, sex is meant to be exciting and enjoyable for both parties and if one is not into it, it becomes boring and gradually the excitment leaves, so sex with the OW is naturally eciting, new and fills the gap you have had with your wife, but that is just it, it is new and exciting and dangourous but i bet you felt the same feelings with your wife for many years.

i agree with the last post, speak with your wife and do everything you can to fix your mariage so that if it doesnt work out you can hold your head up knowing that YOU did everthing you could to save your marriage... and while you are doing this you need to have NO more contact with the other woman.....
Good luck


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Many couple bounce back but not when there is deception. What happened to all of the full disclosure talk? Can you regain intimacy by presenting a false self based on dishonesty? You can pretend, as many people do, but you don't have a relationship but a good job of acting. What a nightmare to have to live from day to with no authenticity. Does this wife not deserve to know that she is married to a man with cheated on her? 

Character does matter. I believe there are programs in schools to teach or at lest present children with the concepts of character. One of the motto's is "do the hard right not the easy wrong". The program was developed to counter the sad erosion of the principals of character in our society. If children are learning this, should not parents practice it? 

OP, you will probably get away with the deception, should you decide to go that route but, there is always a cost one way or another. 

I am sure you realize that a lack of sex is not a reason to cheat, rather a reason to do some seroius relationship work. It is never just one person who is responsible for the estrangement. It is common to blame the woman and not to acknowledge the role of the man. As a result, the common advice is to demand sex or else. 

I do not think you are justified in demanding that she have sex with you or else, as you are advised. How much more false can you be. You have done something wrong and are advised to make righteous demands about what you need to stay in the relationship as if you have been above board. Can you do that with a strait face? Do you think it is her fault that you deceived her? 

From what I have read, this will not work in the long run. You wife may give in to your demands because she feels she has few options but she will resent you deeply. Your failure to work on the whole relationship and to concentrate on what you think you are due never works in the long run. 

You may get the sex you want but you can bet it will be at great cost to her. She will do it because of your threats not because she loves you. You may find that is OK if it sex you want and you don't care about her feelings.

Every one of us has made mistakes, some, a lot worse than deceiving a spouse, but why compound the problem by an act of false indignation. Can you not see how wrong this is? Do you want to work on your marriage because you love your wife or you just don't want to move? If you love her then be fair to her and talk about all of the problems, your role and hers, be honest and make a sincere effort to have a real relationship. 

Maybe, it won't work but you can at lest know that you have acted in a fair and equatable manner and will carry your feeling about your self worth to the new relationship. If you are deceptive and refuse to see your role, you take the falseness and faults to the next relationship and band get the same results.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wouldn't get too caught up in the other woman yet... She's probably got a few warts that you just haven't seen yet, cause you haven't gotten to know her truly. Best bet, if things aren't fixable with your wife, separate/divorce, fix yourself, THEN think about dating again. Same for her.

Just my $0.02, as someone with a similar story.

C


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I agree with what some others have said;

1. DO NOT tell your wife. It will just create a huge amount of pain and drama, and it will hurt your kids, and you will end up with a messy, miserable divorce. And if you think that telling her will give you space to "work on the marriage," you're probably wrong; it will just add to her already ginormous pool of resentment and she'll _never_ want to have sex with you again. If she's already a 1-2 times per month, sexually inhibited person, her trust will be completely broken. For those who say to tell the wife, the real reason I disagree is for the sake of their kids. Teenagers have enough insecurity and drama in their lives, and they NEVER need a parent's affair to deal with on top of everything else. To the OP, those are your children, and you are responsible for their happiness. Don't compromise that while they're still in the house! It's not fair to put the morality of telling your wife, who may or may not be partially at fault, over the happiness of your completely innocent kids. 

2. DO NOT marry this other woman! Like others have said, you just have this wonderful fantasy life being played out with her. If you actually stop and think about it, you would have bills to split, chores to do, fights, just like every other married couple that lives together and sees each other every day. Once you're married, the excitement will disappear and the guilt will set in.

I will say that I did read an article recently about a study that concluded that secret affairs were better than divorce--easier on the family, better for raising the kids, etc. I've been searching everywhere for it but can't find it now.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I disagree with the majority of the posters. You need to tell your wife. You are making decisions about her life that you have no right to make. Did you ever think that maybe your wife doesn't want to be married to a cheater?
You're in what they call "the fog" right now. And it's highly unlikely that your AP will leave her husband. 
Chances are high that your wife is going to find out anyway. Rarely does someone who's cheating not get caught. You don't know what information the other betrayed spouse might have. He might just decide to let your wife in on the secret. Do you want her to find out from someone else? 
You need to come clean. Tell her the truth, and all of it. If you want to leave her, tell her that as well. She might just hand you a suitcase to pack your things in.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I don't understand why you're all advising him to not tell his wife. First off, what happened to honesty in a couple? Secondly, he strayed because she was indifferent. Thirdly, him fessing up will either result in them both discovering they aren't happy or her actually stepping up her game and trying to win him back. Problems aren't fixed by pretending they aren't there. 
And this :
"Did you ever think that maybe your wife doesn't want to be married to a cheater?" Not fair to her. 

Please stop avoiding responsibility for your actions...all of you. Once a person cheats, if that person still has any intention of repairing a marriage (and sometimes even if not), the mature and responsible thing to do is to tell the spouse what happened. Otherwise the new marriage is built on one big fat lie and those two people will never be truly close to eachother (not because i say so but because our subconscious mind generally builds distance from a person in order not to feel guilty! You have a secret? You have to keep an emotional distance to not be bothered by guild). Yes, it's hard and it takes some courage, it will risk hurting your partner and might end up in a divorce. Yes, it's true that crap happens and sometimes people cheat. But the worst thing they can do after is cover it up with more cheating. Just my personal opinion and view on life.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Really, there is no "stepping up" of the wife's game. While she might own 50% of the problems in the marriage, HE owns 100% of the affair. Something in his character gave him permission to cheat. HE is the one who needs work first, before ANYTHING else can be put back together. The OP suggested counseling, but he didn't go when she refused. He could have gotten individual counseling to help deal with the issues that were plaguing the marriage at the time. Instead of doing that, he selfishly went out and did what he wanted to do without a thought for his wife. Affairs are selfish acts, plain and simple. There are other things that can be done. If the partner isn't willing to participate, then you go yourself. You don't step outside of your marriage. NEVER.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really don't see why we are debating whether to tell the wife of the affair. youtubelud needs to immediately stop the relationship with his mistress. THEN he can decide what step to take next. Besides I'm sure his wife already knows. Hence things are deteriorating in his marriage. I was in his wife's shoes. I put up with a cheating spouse living under the same roof with me for two years. Although he denied having affairs, I knew he was. While he was going around in the "fog", I was growing more bitter with each passing day. As your wife grows more hostile because of your behavior, it's easy to see her as the "enemy".

The bottom line is that the mistress needs to go, so you can see things from a clear perspective. The same applies with the mistress and her husband.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well, my idea is that the easiest way to step "out of the fog" is to admit it exists to yourself and all the people who count in the situation (the spouse). Plus sometimes when spouses find out they'll change their behavior and tend to pull the cheaters right back into the relationship.A lot of talks that should've happened will generally happen in a time of crisis, like "what do you need?" "why did you stray", "how did we end up here" etc. People then understand what went wrong and can work things out to get a healthier, stronger marriage. 

If he simply cuts ties with his mistress and doesn't tell his wife, he's back to step one. The one in which he's unhappy in his marriage and doesn't know what to do. If he'd have known what to do, he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. His wife won't know hence she won't try to improve things either. Or she'll simply hate him for his lack of honesty if she already knows which is the worst thing you can have in a marriage. 

That's why i was suggesting he tell her when people before me suggested he'd try and keep it a secret.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I agree with the others that you should stop the affair and start working on your marriage. However, I think your wife should know. Yes, she will be hurt beyond belief, but sometimes affairs serve as wake up calls. It can be one of those epiphany moments that turns a marriage on a dime. Of course, there wil be anger and resentments to work through and your job will be to help her get over it. I just think that if you withhold this information, she will be unaware of how bad things have become. She should know that her marriage is in distress, so that she can fight for it- if that's what she choses. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The first issue is her lack of response and interest in him that pre-dated the affair and acted as a casual factor in the affair. If that's not going to be addressed the affair is simply going to act as a red herring in the whole process to fix things.

Women that fairly obviously stop having regular sex with husbands for "no apparent reason" clearly risk divorce or being cheated on. She's ignored his for a few years before the affair.

The low sex of his wife AND the affair are clearly both issues. If he leads with the affair as the primary issue though, the actual primary issue will never be addressed.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Atholk said:


> The first issue is her lack of response and interest in him that pre-dated the affair and acted as a casual factor in the affair. If that's not going to be addressed the affair is simply going to act as a red herring in the whole process to fix things.
> 
> Women that fairly obviously stop having regular sex with husbands for "no apparent reason" clearly risk divorce or being cheated on. She's ignored his for a few years before the affair.
> 
> The low sex of his wife AND the affair are clearly both issues. If he leads with the affair as the primary issue though, the actual primary issue will never be addressed.


I definitely agree with what you are saying. It's easy to say that people shouldn't stray regardless of all the crap they get at home. It's hard to keep faithful after years of neglect and when you reach a point when you're miserable. 

My question to you is, why do you think he should avoid revealing the affair? In my view, him going straight to his wife and telling her, honestly, all that's wrong and all that happened is the best wake up call that could get their marriage back on track. When people are indifferent, they wake up by realizing how bad they blew it and then they realize their mistakes and try to change. This way his wife decides whether he's worth keeping or not (and will or won't change her behavior). She also gets to find out that her neglecting her husband can lead to an affair so she might never go back to her previous behavior. 

I sincerely think in his case the affair is a mere symptom of his unhappiness in his current relationship, especially if he's been faithful for a large number of years, as he claims. That generally means that man is feeling severely ignored and emotionally disconnected from his spouse. Maybe his not being honest and hiding his misery is what contributed to his whole situation. Maybe if she got a wake-up call many years ago cheating wouldn't have occurred and they'd be happy now. This is just a theory, i'm not claiming yours is wrong.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Women that fairly obviously stop having regular sex with husbands for "no apparent reason" clearly risk divorce or being cheated on. She's ignored his for a few years before the affair.


Yeah, but this is a two-way street. We aren't hearing the wife's side of the story either. And with youtubelud now in the "fog", there's a chance there's some history rewriting taking place.

Now we are back to age old question,"Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?" So, did the wife lose interest only to be selfish. Or, did she lose interest in sex because youtubelud wasn't meeting her needs. The old "love language" theory clearly applies here. Both people's needs have to be met.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Like I said earlier, I'm a fan of _not_ telling the wife for basically one reason:

They have teenage kids.

Yes, I do believe the wife has a _right_ to know about the affair eventually. I also believe that it is at least _partially_ her fault for driving her husband away. But if there's a good chance that she'll flip out and start spilling to everyone (her friends, family, and the kids) about the affair, then it's not going to be healthy to tell her. If she would be able to stay calm and not waver in her attention to the family, and really put sincere effort into working on the marriage, then I think it would be beneficial to tell her. The problem though is that her first instinct will be to feel upset/hurt/victimized and she might deal with that through sharing her problems with other family members.

I feel like we can all agree that it's not the kids' fault he had an affair. But unfortunately, if he tells her and she goes on an emotional rampage, then their kids will be the ones suffering. It's not fair to put them through that. I've had friends who have gone through messy situations like this and it's horrible; one friend's parents were too busy fighting and screaming at each other that they went over 2 weeks without cooking dinner or grocery shopping for her and her little brother. She did horribly in school that semester and had no adult figures to turn to--so she went to me, her 16-year-old friend, for advice. This doesn't happen for every family blow-up but it happened to her, and she would have been much happier not being dragged down into her parents' marital issues. Divorces are also tough on kids, but nothing compares to revealing an affair.

I said earlier that I don't believe it's right to put his moral responsibility of telling his wife over the happiness and sanity of his children. Some may disagree with that, or think that it won't hurt his kids as much and that it's "worth it" to save his marriage. I'm skeptical that his marriage can even be saved, so I guess I'm more focused on damage control and making it as easy for the innocent parties as possible. Unfortunately, affairs don't just wreck marriages; they wreck _families_.


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## smllngdy (Nov 29, 2010)

Relationships with affair partners almost never work out. I imagine our imagination of what the relationship will be like is never what it really is like. Also you hurt a lot of people to be together. That has to add stress to the relationship.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Apparently there's not much understanding about affairs. His wife has NO RESPONSIBILITY for his choosing to have an affair. That's a selfish choice that he and he alone chose to make. You're not getting what you want at home? You have a choice. GET A DIVORCE. But you don't have to devastate someone else's life with your own selfish choices.
I'm wondering why his wife checked out of the relationship in the first place. A happy wife doesn't just wake up one morning and decide she's not going to have sex with her husband anymore. Betcha she's got a story to tell as well. 
And sorry, but it's her choice whether to reveal the affair to whomever she wants. HE is the one who chose to bring a third person into their marriage. Marriages don't do well with a third person involved. So now she's married to someone who's lying to her, and is so foggy as to wonder if he should marry the AP. He's taking all choice away from her, and potentially exposing her to health risks. She has the RIGHT to know if he's putting her at risk. 
So they have teenaged children. And? I can't see someone sitting their teenaged children down and telling them they're having an affair. If she loves her children (and I have no doubt that she does..it's probably why SHE stays with HIM) she'll try to cover for him on that front...not wanting to ruin the relationship he has with his children. I guess it's better they find out when he leaves their mother and immediately marries the other woman? 
What I find astounding are the numbers of people that think it's ok to have an affair if needs aren't being met in the marriage. It's NEVER ok. You always have a choice. ALWAYS. It's astounding that without having the wife's side of the story, so many are quick to place blame on her. Something tells me it would be a different story if the shoe were on the other foot. 
What would you tell the wife if she came in here posting that she thought her husband was having an affair? And posting about how much it hurts her. Posting about all the pain and suffering she's going through. Would you be so quick to tell her it's her fault? 
Tell your wife. Let her decide if your marriage is worth trying to save. You don't get all the decision making here. Let her decide if she wants to take a chance on you again. Let her decide if she wants to do the hard work of reconciliation. Because it IS HARD WORK for her as well. Something tells me you wouldn't be the one willing to do the hard work. Let her decide if she wants to remain married to a man who is willing to lie to her. Let her decide if she wants to be married to a cheater. It's really not ALL about you.


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## laurelanne (Nov 29, 2010)

You are in a very hard place and have asked for help and are needing some. Such things can happen and do, and that doesn't mean it's ok, it just means that things can happen when there are weaknesses. 

It is true that so often our mind is not able to fully see reality and what reality is going to be in the future when we are in these kind of affairs...no matter how hard you try and "think" endlessly, you still can't seem to find the answer that will satisfy your Conscience. Conscience is there for a beneficial reason.

A very excellent Christian Counselor would be nice...or even a secular Phd perhaps..it's so darn much nicer and better if you can find a really Good one! Find someone in the AACC Amer. Assoc. Christian Counselors...they really are lleading today with the most awesome insights and helps.

Know this....that marriages can be fixed and renewed and also become more deeply fullfilling than they ever have been....with the right help and guidance. It's a fact. Granted, it has a bearing on her too whether that could or would happen. And you really don't know that right now...and Cannot tell by only what you can see right now.

I DO know how deeply ties you can become with someone else so that it's about impossible to break it up...I know about all of this well including when it leads to divorce. It's very hard to See Reality right now.

I would leave the choice to you about telling your wife or not...and when. No doubt it will raise the roof and over long term. Who knows what it will cause but it will cause something you can bet on that!

Search your deeper heart...Sin has a wage and it's death (not taking physical death). Can't hardly avoid it...while you CAN gain the mistress...there are going to be some Prices to pay...that's a given....and the pain of the prices usually do cause you to think in new ways....that you are not able right now.

What would you want her to do if it was her? What is Right in God's "Spirit"...I'm not saying...in the written Law....but in the "Spirit?"

I think your wife does "deserve" atleast a chance.... a chance to atleast know that you have not found ability to live without sex...which really can mean also...living without love, without the Respect that makes a man Live....without any inner sense of being needed etc... in addition to just sex which is a neccessity for survival often for a man.

Even if you don't expose the affair right now...and I want to say that some of this was her fault. But anyway...you don't really know do you.....what her response would ahve been if you would have first ...Told her in a way that was serious enough that she would..........get it! That you have been feeling like you've been put at Temptations door because of the weakness you basically were left in....it's a reality really. Not all will be unfaithful even under severe pressures but some will fall when they are weak. I do not believe in condemning people who are in trouble, hurting, and needing help.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If he leads with the affair the marriage may simply shatter. If he leads with the low sex / neglect issue first, the revelation of the affair may be better accepted and understood.

It's triage. Always stablize the patient before starting surgery.

Even so, sometimes those that reveal affairs bitterly regret not keeping their mouth shut. Seeing he'll probably be on the hook for child support / alimony / kicked out of his house / reduced time with his kids yada yada yada, it's a pretty huge risk to him to reveal the affair. People lie about affairs for quite rational reasons.

If a wayward spouse comes back of their own accord that may be the best possible outcome possible for the couple.

I can understand the women on the board not enjoying that viewpoint, but I am advising _him and his best interests._ If she wants to post questions on the board, I'll advise her. And yes that does sound pretty cynical I know.

Importantly, the OP needs to get it out of his head that the OW is going to marry him if he wants to. Affairs very rarely turn into happy marriages. I


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Atholk, I don't think the triage analogy quite works here... Usually triage is for treating problems according to severity. I'd say the affair is more severe than the lack of sex.

Anyway I do understand that the wife has a right to know, as others have said. But like I said before, I am also very focused on damage control. If he tells, it will hurt him (yea he might deserve it), his wife (she probably doesn't deserve it but she might), his kids (they DEFINITELY don't deserve it), and probably wreck the family to bits.

I don't think that his wife will receive it as a wake-up call. I don't think their marriage will improve. That's my personal bias and why I feel he shouldn't tell.

For those who think he should, they have more faith in the marriage than me and I get where they are coming from. I think it just depends on who the wife is as a person and what her character is like. We don't know so everyone projects their own assumptions onto her.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Personally, I'm not projecting anything. As for faith in the marriage? I don't have a stake in this one way or the other. It's not for me to have the faith. For ANYONE...would YOU want to know? Really? I would. You bet I would. And if there are consequences, well...that's life. There are simply consequences for your actions. Regardless of what those actions are. I see a lot of avoidance here. Not only the wife but the betrayed husband HAS A RIGHT to know what's going on in THEIR lives. Make no mistake..this involves THEM too. It has nothing to do with the wife's "character". HIS character speaks volumes to me. He made a decision. A conscious decision. SHE got no vote in the matter. HE is risking his entire family for his own selfish reasons. 
WHY should it be a "wake up call" for the wife? HE is the one who needs a wake up call. He's out there getting to enjoy the best of two worlds, while she's at home doing what most wives do. He's cake eating, plain and simple. He's lying to his wife, and he's most likely lying to the mistress as well. I have reservations that his wife stopped having sex with him in the first place. People who will lie enough to engage in an affair most likely will lie about anything to justify their actions. I can't believe some that are willing to buy that hook, line and sinker. He'd likely get a wake up call, alright. I think he needs one. Something to get him out of the fog. 
Haven't you heard the old "my wife doesn't understand me".."my wife doesn't pay attention to me".."my wife doesn't get me the way you do"..and on and on ad nauseum? These (and others) are simply justifications for indulging in selfish behavior. I'm sure those that have engaged in affairs and confessed wish they'd kept their mouthes shut. Now they have to do the REAL HARD WORK of reconciliation, if the betrayed spouse GIFTS them with it. Make no mistake about it, reconciliation is a gift. Imagine what the betrayed spouse must go through...must feel. Every time he's 5 minutes late she's going to wonder if he's with "her". She's going to doubt everything that she held sacred. Her self esteem will be trashed while she questions everything about their marriage. Her whole marriage will feel like a LIE. That's just a drop in the bucket. If the person having the affair was willing to do the hard work in the first place, the affair would have never happened. 
Again...happy wives don't wake up one morning and decide to stop having sex with their husbands (if indeed, this is what she's done). 
If you talk with wives who have been betrayed, so many regret not booting the cheater out the minute they found out. And you can bet they'll ask WHY. That's the big question...WHY. I'd really like to hear the honest (if that's possible) answer should his wife ask him that question.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lime said:


> Atholk, I don't think the triage analogy quite works here... Usually triage is for treating problems according to severity. I'd say the affair is more severe than the lack of sex.


You're confusing a cause with a symptom.

You can deal with the affair perfectly, but if she isn't going to have sex with him, he'll have another affair.

The only reason to reveal the affair is shock value to try and spark a reaction to get her to change her behavior towards him.

If he lives in a state that allows at fault divorce, he could be _vastly_ worse off for revealing the affair.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

That is the reason they allowed fault divorces in the first place. I smell a personal concern of financial ruination for the man. I still find it incomprehensible to see that some are so willing to accept that his wife just stopped having sex with him. For no seemingly good reason. I'd like to hear him tell her that he had an affair because she stopped sleeping with him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, stop seeing the other woman. You cannot make any good decisions while you are in this other relationship. You owe it to your wife and kids to stop distracting yourself from the real issue (the decline of your marriage). Once you have your eye on what really matters, you can make a better decision. You need to make a promise to yourself that you will never contact the OW b/c if you continue to hold out hope of a relationship with her, you will never do the work you need to do to find real peace in your life. 

Once OW is out of the picture, seek counseling, just for yourself if you aren't ready to ask your wife to get help. Focus all the energy you have for your personal life on the family you have now. If, after a given amount of time passes (give it a year, for example), you are not content in the marriage and beyond the risk of straying again, at least you will have tried. You will then know you need to divorce--but it will be a clear-headed decision, not one wrapped up in what "might be" with OW. 

Keep getting counseling until you understand your role in the demise of your marriage--if you don't, you'll just make the same mistake again. Figure out why your wife wasn't interested in sex with you--did resentments build up b/c you didn't take her expressed wishes seriously? Look up "Walk Away Wife" syndrome and see if it applies--not the part where your wife finally leaves (b/c that hasn't happened yet), but the part about you ignoring her needs and her trying to continue the marriage and trying to continue to love you (and have sex with you) until she was so resentful that sex with you became a chore she simply put up with b/c she either still loved you or she didn't want the marriage to end, maybe for the kids' sake. 

Really examine your role in the marriage. And, learn to love being alone--if you divorce--b/c otherwise you will remarry for the wrong reasons. 

You have a long road ahead, but it needs to start with letting go of the OW. If you have the courage to do that, then at least you are treating yourself better than you have thus far treated your wife OR yourself (b/c you can't feel good about acting like a slimeball). Break clean, start over with your family, and see where it leads. Good luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Atholk said:


> You're confusing a cause with a symptom.
> 
> You can deal with the affair perfectly, but if she isn't going to have sex with him, he'll have another affair.


Okay if we are confusing cause with a symptom, I'll take this one step further. Husband has affair, wife won't have sex with husband. But why is wife not having sex with husband (barring a medical reason)? What is husband NOT doing to make wife WANT to have sex with him. Maybe wife got tired of feeling like "a piece of meat". THIS IS A TWO WAY STREET.

However, this really isn't the point here. This is not the question the poster asked. Frankly at this point we really can't have a productive discussion because the original poster is not participating with his own thread.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> Frankly at this point we really can't have a productive discussion because the original poster is not participating with his own thread.


Yeah, but when has that ever stopped us from gabbering on?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Atholk said:


> You're confusing a cause with a symptom.
> 
> You can deal with the affair perfectly, but if she isn't going to have sex with him, he'll have another affair.
> 
> ...


Your concentration on the sex aspect is misplaced but common. Also, your assumption that she alone is at fault because she is not having sex is also a common assumption. It is not so simple, it takes two people to make the relationship good and to make two to make it bad. It is not up to his wife alone to make changes but it's up to both of them to acknowledge their part in the problems of the relationship. 

Maybe he should marry the OW, his wife will be rid of a deceptive man who runs away from problems and blames the woman instead of being a man and taking charge. If facing the role he and his wife has played in the relationship and trying to work on it and it does not work, then he can move on. He will move on with the skills to avoid the same problems in all of his subsequent relationships. 

My feeling is the OP will not stay with his wife even if he drops the OW and try's to work on it. His trying will amount to attempting to get his wife to have sex with him but not on the real issues, the same issues that got them to the point they are at now. 

It wont work even if he threatens to leave. I think that he will eventually divorce and within 5 years be in another sexless marriage with the same issues that effected this marriage. Maybe he will go for a third with the same results. 

He blames his wife and he will get allot of support to accept this fallacy as is evidenced by the concentration of most of the posters on sex, even to the point of saying his wife deserves it. 

It's interesting the matter of her cheating on him never comes up in view of the fact that 45% of woman are cheating according the latest survey and its increasing. Women are better at getting away with it than men because men are so sure their wive would not cheat.

I think he knows why she stopped having sex with him but is not interested in working on it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Yeah, but when has that ever stopped us from gabbering on?


He has posted on another thread since posting here and he advised a man struggling not to cheat on his wife to have sex with the other women. 

So there is your honest family man that's where his mind is at, obviously. When one person is blamed there is always more, he deceives her and himself. If he marries a cheater, the OW she will probably cheat on him when they get into the same problem he has now.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> He has posted on another thread since posting here and he advised a man struggling not to cheat on his wife to have sex with the other women.
> 
> So there is your honest family man that's where his mind is at, obviously. When one person is blamed there is always more, he deceives her and himself. If he marries a cheater, the OW she will probably cheat on him when they get into the same problem he has now.


In the other thread the husband in question was being beaten by his wife.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> Maybe he should marry the OW, his wife will be rid of a deceptive man who runs away from problems and blames the woman instead of being a man and taking charge.
> 
> I think he knows why she stopped having sex with him but is not interested in working on it.


As I said in my first comment, her lack of sex drive could simply be low level depression or birth control pills.

It may be nothing to do with him not "being a man and taking charge". Most men in sexless marriages would do anything to have the love of their life regain interest in them.


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## kms123 (Apr 28, 2012)

My husband claimed to be in a sexless marriage. We were married for 20+ years and we had sex about 5 times a week sometimes more if he wasn't too drunk on the weekends.

What he really meant was that he didn't find having sex with me as exciting as having sex with someone new. After having sex with this near stranger that came on strong to him, he suddenly found our sex life to be too boring and predictable. Mr. 30 second man actually told me (in his apology), that I was basically bad in bed. He got sex from me every which way on a regular basis. I kept in great shape, he didn't. He always got variety from me, I never got anything different from him.

He was simply comparing sex with the same woman for 20+ years, to sex with someone new. I couldn't top that. She wasn't even younger or better looking.

Cheaters are liars.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Yes, divorce your wife and give her a chance to find a real man.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

This thread has been dead for 18 months so I don't know if the OP is still reading. You asked should I divorce my wife and marry the other woman? 

If you are truly out of love with your wife and in love and happier with the other woman then yes. Obviously you should not have let it get to this point. But that is easier said than done and it is too late for that. 

I think you need to see if your wife knows about the other woman. If she does than come clean with everything. Don't give her false hope and don't jerk her around. Tell her you want out and move on. 

If your wife doesn't know about the OW at all then you may want to just ask for the divorce without mentioning it. There is no need to destroy her self-confidence on the way out. 

Your next marriage can work. Take the lessons you learned from this marriage and apply it to the new relationship. I am one of the 3%. Good luck and I hope everything turns out okay.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This thread is 2yrs old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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