# Horrible nightmares about in-laws



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I've been separated from my husband for 8 months. We lived as a joint unit with his family and I was miserable...although I loved my husband, the stress of living together with my in laws completely devastated our relationship. He is simply too co-dependant, there's some very unhealthy attachments that would not break. Instead of moving out with me, he blamed me and would throw rages and fits.

Since the day I left my husband's house, I have not seen or communicated with his mom, brother or sister. And I have extreme resentment and anger toward them. I truly feel they destroyed my marriage. His brother's wife also did a lot of things "in the background" (behind my back) to sabotage my relationship with my in laws...at the time, because I was playing the "try be nice to everyone all the time" role, I didn't call her out on it. Now that I look back, I feel angry at myself, for not standing up for myself more. That's one thing that I definitely have learnt through this whole process: to not be unjust toward myself! To not let people take advantage of me if I can help it. 

At the start of my separation, I'd have horrible nightmares involving my in laws...dreams like, living there again, them not talking to me, giving me the cold shoulder, saying things to my husband to make him angry with me. Those dreams went away after a few months. 

Well, last night I had what was probably the worst dream so far. I spent the entire night fighting with them in my head lol while I was sleeping! Dreams of my husband taking his family's side, his brother yelling at me, his mom acting like a victim, and me desperately trying to defend myself and "open their eyes" by tattling about all the things my brother-in-law's wife said/did that they don't know about. I woke up exhausted. I think I had this dream because the time to actually file - rather than try to reconcile - has arrived.

I know I have no closure with his family. How do I get past this? Speaking with them is not an option...I can only imagine the intense joy they would feel if I called them to "let them have it", and let them know how much of an impact they still have on me. Although I left them behind physically, they are still very much a part of my life emotionally/psychologically. And I do not want them to know that. 

There are days when I'm fine, and then I have a trigger (like this dream), that shifts me back in to anger and hurt.

All this anger/resentment toward my husband's family is also a major reason why I think it's better to get a divorce, rather than reconcile.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The dream is to remind you that they are a huge dysfunctional lot.
Its your subconscious way of letting you know you arent going to miss it.

It's alright.
Time to let go.

Never speak with them again and go live a better life than the miserable squalling they seem to be living in together.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> The dream is to remind you that they are a huge dysfunctional lot.
> Its your subconscious way of letting you know you arent going to miss it.
> 
> It's alright.
> ...


This makes a lot of sense. I definitely do not miss that environment and am glad to be out of it.

But I've spent a majority of the day crying, because I still love my husband a lot. Sometimes I want to tell him that I love him a lot and wish he'd not give up on me and our daughter. I wish he'd move in with me and stop living with his family.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

When you marry a person, you marry their family and all of the relationships inside of it.
Despite the fact that you love your husband, he has not shown that he is willing to leave his families way of life.
His love for you and his possibly unhealthy attachment to his mother will war with each other.
I don’t see him leaving his environment any time soon.

Cry.
Cry deep and well.
Cry for the end of the dream you thought would be with this man.

I’m pro marriage, but I understand there is a time when it simply can’t be made whole. 
It seems to me that your time of understanding this is over.

It is now time to take action and take steps towards a better life…no matter what he does.
You are responsible for you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> When you marry a person, you marry their family and all of the relationships inside of it.
> Despite the fact that you love your husband, he has not shown that he is willing to leave his families way of life.
> His love for you and his possibly unhealthy attachment to his mother will war with each other.
> I don’t see him leaving his environment any time soon.
> ...


I have taken steps. I left his house, stayed with my parents 6 months, then moved in to a condo and am living there with my 2 year old daughter now.

I invited him to live with us, but he wants me to move out and into a bigger place near his brother, and also wants his mom to live with us.

I refuse to budge. Seriously - I sacrificed so much during my marriage for this man, to the point where I couldn't recognize myself. It's like in Star Trek First Contact when Picard yells, "The line is HERE! HERE and NO FARTHER!"

I'm a very pro-active person and I have taken steps to make my own environment/life better and more peaceful. But I am struggling inside with the idea of letting him go, I want him to be a part of my future - but an improved version of him, a version that goes to couples' counselling and sets limits with his family and stops being so explosive. The idea of letting him go and then regretting it, terrifies me.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Can you remind me, when you separated/divorced?

I remember your story about living in the same house as all of them, and that is insanity - that was no way to live. You did the right thing for your daughter alone, not to mention you!! I am actually proud you did so for so long, and tried to make things work - that says a lot. Most wouldn't, I don't know anyone who would. Besides me, I probably would've... b/c that is how much I wanted ex back when he first left.

Anyway - my inlaws haven't (none from that side) have contacted me or my son once since last July. Of course they will see or talk to son when he is with his dad - but not the whole family... just a few of them, mostly grandparents only. I find that alone disgusting, they didn't even send Christmas cards and they all used to. I understand the hurt and anger and frustration that comes from that. Now I don't care. In fact, I find it interesting that I'm a better person than those who used to be "holier than thou" in front of your face. Behind your back, obviously not.

I had nightmares too. Mostly about ex husband. I did have one once about his Dad - and out of all them, the Dad is the only one I'll truly miss when I think about it. He was a good guy, or was. My nightmares would wake me up crying in my sleep, literally.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ultimately it was your husband who was responsible for stepping up. If he's too dependent on his family to step up and start his own life then he's the one to hold accountable.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> Ultimately it was your husband who was responsible for stepping up. If he's too dependent on his family to step up and start his own life then he's the one to hold accountable.


This is something that I struggle with, a lot. I have to remind myself that I did not have an in-law problem, I had a husband problem. If my husband stepped up, became the leader of our little family and got our own place with me, I'd have respected and loved him tremendously. The fact that he failed or refused or delayed doing that, really hurts.

But then I go in to reasons of "why" he is the way he is, and it all goes back to his upbringing and environment, which I blame his family for.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Lost40 said:


> Can you remind me, when you separated/divorced?
> 
> I remember your story about living in the same house as all of them, and that is insanity - that was no way to live. You did the right thing for your daughter alone, not to mention you!! I am actually proud you did so for so long, and tried to make things work - that says a lot. Most wouldn't, I don't know anyone who would. Besides me, I probably would've... b/c that is how much I wanted ex back when he first left.
> 
> ...


We separated last year at the end of July. He threw one of his rages/fits, it was the most extreme of all of them, the most humiliating of all of them. My heart broke in pieces and I haven't been able to truly forgive him for that yet. I literally packed up all my belongings from our bedroom, somehow fit them in to my car, and drove off with my 2 yr old daughter...while he was at work. I didn't give him a chance to throw another one of his rages. And I NEVER went back to that house...never will. Yes, I still love him - but I remind myself that love has conditions and I deserve to be healthy and protected, not ganged up against. I am trying to forgive and move on.

Emotionally, I am stuck in limbo. Knowing his mentality has NOT changed, he still blames me. And yet, wanting my husband back! But a better, improved version of him...not the angry/screaming/blaming version I left. I also miss being physically intimate with him...that part of our marriage was always good. I think right now, that's what I miss the most.

I'm very sorry to hear about your in laws. To be honest, I'm glad they are behind you...and I hope I can get to a place where I no longer dwell on what they did, wonder what they are thinking, or even care at all!

I had another dream last night, this time arguing with my brother in law. Thank God I haven't woken up crying.

Any time I consider reconciling with my husband, thoughts of his family pop up. And I know they say/do things to rile him up against me. He also has many double standards...it makes me very upset.

So I guess at the end of the day, I have BOTH an in-law problem AND a husband problem, and that is disaster to my marriage. I can't fix this.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I know what you're going through since my in-laws were horrible. Even though my FIL and MIL are deceased, I never forget how bad they treated me and how bad they made me feel. It nice that my wife doesn't have them to turn to now but I still have the awful memories of them and that's not going away. I think you will still have the dreams about them even if you get divorced. This won't leave you unless you can somehow resolve the situation.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I know what you're going through since my in-laws were horrible. Even though my FIL and MIL are deceased, I never forget how bad they treated me and how bad they made me feel. It nice that my wife doesn't have them to turn to now but I still have the awful memories of them and that's not going away. I think you will still have the dreams about them even if you get divorced. This won't leave you unless you can somehow resolve the situation.


I think that time, and eventually reaching a place where I don't care about them anymore, will stop the dreams. I know that I still care about what they think and say about me, and that fuels these dreams. I spend time in my dreams explaining myself, defending myself, feeling fear and anxiety over their actions...and it all shows that they still have power over me.

I will reach a place, one day, where I do not care about them any longer.

Then I will be free.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> And yet, wanting my husband back! But a better, improved version of him...not the angry/screaming/blaming version I left.


He will never be this man until he can seperate himself from his family, which appears to be enmeshed.

You cannot rescue him and you cannot live in that environment.

Try this.
Sit down when you have a moment and pretend that you didnt leave. Now try to allow the situation to unfold... 
bit by bit... 
year by year.

What does it look like for you and your child next year?
5 years?
10?

The mother will only get worse and think of the role modeling that will show your child. Sometimes people adapt to a toxic environment and they wallow in it...seemingly thriving.

Its time to ask yourself a simple question.
Did you fall in love with your real husband...or what you hoped he could become?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> He will never be this man until he can seperate himself from his family, which appears to be enmeshed.
> 
> You cannot rescue him and you cannot live in that environment.
> 
> ...


If I had continued on that path, I'd have full-blown depression. Severe anxiety. Panic attacks, continued arguments with my husband which possibly could have ended up becoming physical eventually. My daughter would have developed anxiety and depression as well. 

I left because of those reasons - I saw that future for myself and decided not to travel that road. Thank you for reminding me of this.

I do, very much, wish I could rescue my husband from his family and help him become the man I so desperately wish he'd be and KNOW he can be if he tried. But...he sees nothing wrong with his lifestyle. 

So maybe at the end of the day, I need to accept that I will probably always love this man, but cannot live with him. That is a very painful thing to accept. I wish I did not love him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I don't know if I wrote about the "update", but a couple weeks ago he came to my apartment and asked me to sell the place and pick another apartment with him, in a completely different area of the city (wherever his brother decides to live of course) and a 3-bedroom so that his mom can live with us.

I said no, but you can move in with me and our daughter here. And we can try again on our marriage. He just said "OK" and left.

I emailed him a few days later, again extending an invitation to come live with us...again he said no, break your rental contract for the apartment and come pick another rental apartment with me.

I DO NOT want to live with his mom. And I deserve better than to follow his brother's tails wherever he decides to live with his wife. I'm my own person and my husband needs to either start acting like a man and a leader and fend for his own little family (me and our daughter) or he needs to get out of the way so I can start enjoying my life again.

We "agreed" on a monetary settlement that he is sending me on a monthly basis. I don't want his house and I'm not out to get him, I just want what he promised to send me. But child custody and child support and spousal support - those are things I have to go to a lawyer for. And I haven't called a lawyer yet because I AM STILL IN DENIAL AND HAVE HOPE THAT A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN AND OUR MARRIAGE WILL SURVIVE AND I WILL HAVE MY LOVING, AFFECTIONATE, CARING HUSBAND BACK. I am in denial! After 8 months of separation, going through the anxiety, shock, anger, hurt, pain...now it's denial? Wow!

It hurts me that he says things to his family about our marriage that aren't true, or he blows them out of proportion, and does not take responsibility for his actions. That really hurts me because I sacrificed a lot for him.

This morning he sent me an email to say he sent me the monthly payment...it hurt. And yet I just wrote back as if he was a coworker...very brief reply and completely cordial.

When I see him, I want to tell him that I love him and miss him. But I know he will not change and that is what stops me. What's the use loving someone who hurt me so badly and hasn't done enough to repair the damage? Why is this divorce happening? God, please make it worth it!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You want reality to be a certain way, we all do. Unfortunately, there are too many factors and variables for that to occur.

You can change yourself and your circumstances to affect others around you, but what changes that ripple entails is hard to know. Divorce may be the only card that you have to play at this point, and show him that you can move on. If that does not change him, then he is probably too hard wired to change in the direction you want and need for a marriage to work.

Love is irrational. The more we love, the more we allow ourselves to be hurt. Those bonds keep us attach to the ones that can hurt us deeply. With others though, we have a shorter line drawn in the sand.

You need a support system to keep you occupied. When you get that urge to give him another chance, you need something to stop you. The only way he will come back is if he does it on his own. Well, most likely anyways. I think parts of his thoughts believe that you will cave in. He has not sent you divorce papers either. It is a stalemate until someone has the strength to make the next move.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You want reality to be a certain way, we all do. Unfortunately, there are too many factors and variables for that to occur.
> 
> You can change yourself and your circumstances to affect others around you, but what changes that ripple entails is hard to know. Divorce may be the only card that you have to play at this point, and show him that you can move on. If that does not change him, then he is probably too hard wired to change in the direction you want and need for a marriage to work.
> 
> ...


Mr. Fisty, once again I have to agree with you.

I had a weak moment. I thought, "what the heck, he needs to know how I feel". So I texted him and told him I loved him and wished he hadn't give up on me and our daughter.

And that started a whole conversation about "I didn't give up on you, you didn't accept any of my apologies"...I told him apologies are just words, they're empty if they're not backed up with action. And eventually it came to him saying, "You're trying to force me to move in with you because you see an opportunity to live without my mom"...and he started to defend his mom. I told him, I left the house because your mom and brother were not good to me (and gave him examples), you think I'm going to live WITH them?

God knows what he'll reply with.

It's always a dead end with him. Always.

And not once did he say he loves me back. Not once.

When am I going to get it through my thick skull that this guy is NOT going to change? When when when? Urgh!!!!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I think I really ticked him off, because he called me - I didn't pick up because I'm at work.

Even though we're separated, I still feel nervous/frightened when he's angry and calls me. Then I start to think that it's my fault, I provoke him and he lashes out. "If only I didn't say anything about his family, he'd come to live with me, he'd want to be my husband, he'd not get angry so often." But how do I attempt to get him to understand my side of the story if I don't mention what his family did to hurt me?

I'm shaking.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think that him coming to live with you was ever an option with him. He expects you to just put up with all the foul treatment. I lived like that before and it was very difficult to impossible.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

TBH, you will probably accept it the more you detach or when you lose the will to fight for the marriage. I always suggest divorce before someone hits their limit. For one thing, it acts like a wake-up call to some to analyze their own life, and for another, it may save a relationship where the other person has not yet reached the point of no return. It could save time on heartache also, and creates a path to follow while the people involved have the time to reconcile with those decisions and they start living their life again. It is a battle between emotions and logic that each person has to wage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I think I really ticked him off, because he called me - I didn't pick up because I'm at work.
> 
> Even though we're separated, I still feel nervous/frightened when he's angry and calls me. Then I start to think that it's my fault, I provoke him and he lashes out. "If only I didn't say anything about his family, he'd come to live with me, he'd want to be my husband, he'd not get angry so often." But how do I attempt to get him to understand my side of the story if I don't mention what his family did to hurt me?
> 
> I'm shaking.



Do not operate on egg shells when you converse with him. You can use more diplomatic language and state how you feel towards them and what your perception of the situation is, that is healthy to do. It gives you a voice for a chance for your thoughts to be known. If that stops, you will be more of a stranger to him.

If he has an issue with that, then it is his issue to work on. What happens is he gets defensive because what he sees of his family and he is an extention of that, is a personal attack. He has put up a barrier to protect the image of his family from criticism, and only he is the one who can remove those blinders.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> TBH, you will probably accept it the more you detach or when you lose the will to fight for the marriage. I always suggest divorce before someone hits their limit.  For one thing, it acts like a wake-up call to some to analyze their own life, and for another, it may save a relationship where the other person has not yet reached the point of no return. It could save time on heartache also, and creates a path to follow while the people involved have the time to reconcile with those decisions and they start living their life again. It is a battle between emotions and logic that each person has to wage.


This is an interesting perspective.
I always read that one should not divorce to "punish" the other person or as a card to play, as a wake up call. Because, what if he accepts the divorce and goes with it! (As he's likely to do in my case.) But...maybe that's what I have to do. If not for anything else, then for my own sake, to end the pain.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I don't think that him coming to live with you was ever an option with him. He expects you to just put up with all the foul treatment. I lived like that before and it was very difficult to impossible.


He did expect me to put up with the foul treatment, that's for sure.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Do not operate on egg shells when you converse with him. You can use more diplomatic language and state how you feel towards them and what your perception of the situation is, that is healthy to do. It gives you a voice for a chance for your thoughts to be known. If that stops, you will be more of a stranger to him.
> 
> If he has an issue with that, then it is his issue to work on. What happens is he gets defensive because what he sees of his family and he is an extention of that, is a personal attack. He has put up a barrier to protect the image of his family from criticism, and only he is the one who can remove those blinders.


That's why I didn't pick up...I don't want to walk on egg shells and I don't want him to sense that I feel threatened by him, or am afraid of his reaction. So I simply did not pick up the phone.

He eventually told me he loves me too - but in the same breath, said that he hopes I find a man who will keep me happy. So yeah he's fully open to this divorce.

So stupid. Honestly, just down right stupid that this had to happen at all. We were a happy couple whose love and affections were DESTROYED by living together with in laws. Never, ever live with your in laws...ever. I was stupid.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> This is an interesting perspective.
> I always read that one should not divorce to "punish" the other person or as a card to play, as a wake up call. Because, what if he accepts the divorce and goes with it! (As he's likely to do in my case.) But...maybe that's what I have to do. If not for anything else, then for my own sake, to end the pain.


He will be, unknowingly, giving you the greatest gift he can...freedom.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> He will be, unknowingly, giving you the greatest gift he can...freedom.


I hope this is true!


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

the worst thing that you could ever do,is to get married and live with his/her family in one home. It doesn't work. Been there done that. It destroyed my marriage. We've spent years trying to rebuild it but it can never be the same. I'm sorry that happened to you. Obviously he's made his choice. He chose them over you. Move on. No need to let this consume and eat inside out. Because trust me it will. Good luck


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