# What to Say to a Friend



## Richard60 (Aug 18, 2014)

A friend of several years confided something I found shocking. She's been married 26 years to the same man. Seemingly happy and content with 2 kids in college, good job as a teacher, intelligent, and very spiritual.

She confided about a dark period in her life from 2000 to 2007 when she was a serial cheater. She told me he had been sexually involved with 20+ different people totalling about 40 different sexual encounters. Most of them were people she met in chat rooms. A few she met at work. As to her motivations, I'm not sure she really knows except to say that she was getting emotional support from her husband. 

It's been at least 7 years since the last affair. Seemingly she has walked away from that past pattern of behavior. She says her relationship with her husband has improved greatly. She has never told her husband and apparently her husband has no idea about her past. She says that during the affairs, she felt great shame and regret. Now she says that she's made peace with her past and no longer feels the shame and regret. She says she has asked for God's forgiveness and feels he has forgiven her. She feels no obligation to ever divulge her past to her husband. She says she has no intentions of ever being unfaithful again.

I don't know what to say to her regarding her past. Do I tell her she needs to come clean and confess to her husband? She says it would completely destroy him if he knew. Do I tell her she needs to get professional help? I cannot comprehend how a person can go thru a relatively long period of infidelity and then emerge from it unscathed, unaccountable, and feeling no obligation to confess her past to her husband. Any thoughts or suggestions are much appreciated.


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## Richard60 (Aug 18, 2014)

There's a typo in my previous post. I meant to say that she said she wasn't getting emtional support from her husband during her dark period.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I would say she's delusional and ask why she's you're friend.

Nobody hooks up with 20 different affair partners and walks away with a shrug and a "God forgives me."

Me, I'd tell the husband, but I'm an a-hole that way.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Whether you like it or not, you've now been made an accessory to her infidelity. 

If her husband ever finds out about this and knows you knew; you will feel lower than a man hole cover. If they attempt R, he should by all rights prevent his wife from ever speaking to you again.

I think you have two honorable options:

- Tell her she tells him or you will.

- Encourage her to tell him. If she doesn't, end your friendship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she asking you for feedback and you left her hanging? 

Or you are just wondering or wanting to say something to her?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not up to you to tell her what she needs to do. My advice... Butt out of her life. If you need to, cut her completely out of your life, or cut her back to a casual acquaintance, or whatever you need to do. 

Why did she tell you all this? Based on your user name, I'm guessing you're a guy. The conversation I'm envisioning between you two where this is shared doesn't seem like an appropriate one with a married woman that you've known for a couple of years. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... If you're going to encourage her to do anything, I'd suggest IC for her to try to figure herself out. If she doesn't know why she did it, how can she stop it from happening again? If she's religious, her church leaders would be a good starting point. And then let it be between her and her god. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

We seem to be getting more and more of these threads of late... so many that I'm beginning to sort of grow numb to them.

That she no longer feels any guilt or shame for her actions should say a LOT about her to you, and none of it good.

And as for God forgiving her? Pssh... please. God forgives ALL, but only for those that truly seek forgiveness and redemption. And, for as long as she refuses to tell her husband of her transgressions, she's failing that test. After all, she is accountable to her husband for her actions as well. Not telling him is *solely* in her own best interest. But I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Or her. Right?!?

Honestly, I'd be tempted to tell the guy what's up. And I'd probably cut her out of my life either way.

Seriously... what a shallow, stupid, self-absorbed, entitled wh*re.

Hmm... guess I'm not so numb after all.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> It's not up to you to tell her what she needs to do. My advice... Butt out of her life. If you need to, cut her completely out of your life, or cut her back to a casual acquaintance, or whatever you need to do.
> 
> Why did she tell you all this? Based on your user name, I'm guessing you're a guy. The conversation I'm envisioning between you two where this is shared doesn't seem like an appropriate one with a married woman that you've known for a couple of years.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Wow! Well said!...Sounds like it could be an EA in the making.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Richard

Look her in the eye and ask her this:

"Why are you telling me of your infidelity?

Are you looking for judgment? Non judgement? Advice? Absolution?

Or are you telling me so I can break the news to your husband?

Because if one of my friends dropped a bomb like that on me I would ask them why me????

HM


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Richard60 said:


> She says that during the affairs, she felt great shame and regret. Now she says that she's made peace with her past and no longer feels the shame and regret.


She can make peace with her past, but she should always feel shame and regret over what she did. Maybe she meant to say that she no longer beats herself up over it. But the shame and regret should be there if she were truly remorseful.




> Any thoughts or suggestions are much appreciated.


Tell her the fact she no longer feels shame or regret is the part that worries you, and that her "intentions" to never cheat again don't mean squat with that kind of rug sweeping.

That is if you feel that way about the situation.

I hope somehow her husband finds out.

One question I'd ask her is if she ever had a physical to check for STDs? And no, "protection was always used" is not a reason to think she isn't putting her husband at risk. Fluids can go around the rim of a condom.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Richard
> 
> Look her in the eye and ask her this:
> 
> ...


My guess is his friend was looking for validation. "But of course you cheated and your husband pushed you to it. What you did was understandable under the circumstances"

I want to vomit in my mouth just typing that shyte out.

OR, since you are a man, Richard60, perhaps she might be telling you this story to let you know how easy she is and hoping you make a pass at her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I don't think a friend needs to feel obligated to do anything in a situation like this. If she said she was still cheating, then saying something would be appropriate. Since she has stopped behaving badly and says that she will not do so again there is nothing else you can suggest that she do - except confess.

Whether of not confessing will make the world a better place depends on details of the relationship that you don't know .


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She confided in you and not her husband about her affairs that ended 7 years ago. 

Was she bragging or fishing? Since she is at peace with it now... 

Did she get tested for stds? 

I know some will say to keep it to yourself. But if she didn't want him to know she would not be telling new people about 7 years later. I would tell him as he has a right to know what he is married to. She opened this can of worms by telling you about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I don't know the extent of their friendship, but I have to wonder why a cheating woman would tell this to another man?

Unless she thinks he truly is "just" a friend with never a romantic bone in his body for her then there are 2 outcomes to her telling him.

1) he becomes thoroughly disgusted with her and tells her husband.

or

2) he thinks to himself if she is that promiscuous, maybe he has a chance to knock those boots.

Richard60.......tell her husband. Friends don't let friends stay unknowingly married to hos


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

vellocet said:


> I don't know the extent of their friendship, but I have to wonder why a cheating woman would tell this to another man?
> 
> Unless she thinks he truly is "just" a friend with never a romantic bone in his body for her then there are 2 outcomes to her telling him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
And plan on cutting both out of your life because both may blame you.
He needs to get tested asap.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I would tell her that I am sorry but I cannot remain friends with a person who could betray their partner with over 20 individuals, and then continue to betray him every single day by hiding the truth of his M and life from him.

I would tell her she only refuses to confess to save herself and it has nothing to do with protecting her H.

Then walk away and end the friendship...tell her the only way you will ever reconsider is if she does the honorable thing and confesses everything to her BH.

Until then, you do not want such an immoral person in your life.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dear Jesus! This man needs to know! No telling what she may have exposed him to. He needs to get him self tested. The Bible states if there is something between you and another to leave your gift at the alter, go and reconcile with that person and then return and submit your offering. Unless she makes this right i believe the Lord will not accept her offerings and her prayers will be hindered. She can not ask for forgiveness for the transgression unless she confesses to her husband what she has done. She continues to lie by omission even now. If she was truely repennant she would be remorseful and guilty as to confess to her husband how she has wronged him and fact he may have a VD that could be killing ing him(HIV, HEPATITUS). I would tell her to tell him or I will.
If he decides to stay he needs to know she can not be trusted to have access to internet again. I pray she "Gets Right" with the Lord before it is too late...the Lord turn the dogs loose on her and she does not have a moment of peace and rest illudes her till she rights this transgression and returns to a right standing with the Lord.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But it's OK in her mind, as she has been able to blameshift and dump it all on her husband.:wtf:

She has forgiven herself and now no longer feels guilt? :scratchhead:

Richard, as she no longer feels guilt, she might be looking for more APs. Make sure you aren't going to be her 21st.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

maybe some trickle truth going on also..."no affairs in the last seven years!"...except, you know, that one three years ago. Oh, and that little time last summer, oh, and...

and why now? if she feels "forgiven" after 20, why not after another one? and another one, and so on.

maybe the next time she feels her husband isn't giving her 100% emotional support she'll jump back in the chat rooms


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Where did she get the idea God would forgive her if she hasn't asked for forgiveness from her husband?

My understanding is that you have to at least try to make it right.

Tell her to ask her pastor.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Richard60 said:


> It's been at least 7 years since the last affair. Seemingly she has walked away from that past pattern of behavior. She says her relationship with her husband has improved greatly. She has never told her husband and apparently her husband has no idea about her past. She says that during the affairs, she felt great shame and regret. Now she says that she's made peace with her past and no longer feels the shame and regret. She says she has asked for God's forgiveness and feels he has forgiven her. She feels no obligation to ever divulge her past to her husband. She says she has no intentions of ever being unfaithful again.
> 
> I don't know what to say to her regarding her past. Do I tell her she needs to come clean and confess to her husband? She says it would completely destroy him if he knew. Do I tell her she needs to get professional help? *I cannot comprehend how a person can go thru a relatively long period of infidelity and then emerge from it unscathed, unaccountable, and feeling no obligation to confess her past to her husband.* Any thoughts or suggestions are much appreciated.


My wife did as this women told you. 

She completely bypassed the idea of telling me of her long-term affair.

To her, "god forgave me" was sufficient. no need to tell me of her sick behavior then or even afterwards.

I had to bluff it out of her--far too late in the game.

I think you ought to consider as others have that she was hitting on you.

if I were you I would tell her H and let the chips fall where they may.

She is a confirmed liar and may attempt to finetune the message if you were to tell her to tell the H.

Afterwards cut her out of your life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Wow. She clearly did not care about putting her husband and herself at great risk for STD's. Even though it has been years her husband needs to know to get tested for a whole battery of STD's. Why don't you ask her if she would want to know if the roles had been reversed?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

That was a very selfish thing for her to do. Whether she was fishing or otherwise. She has now implicated you in her infidelity, and keeping secrets from her husband. Do you keep her secret and take the some of the fallout when it happens? and it will. Do you tell him and deal with a different kind of fallout? Or do you cut all ties with both of them? Yes, that was a selfish thing for her to do to you.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Gotta think she's fishing for a new catch... You. 

Time to unfriend her. Toxic folks can be contagious. Don't catch her Ebola. Narc anonymously and run.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Q tip said:


> Gotta think she's fishing for a new catch... You.
> 
> Time to unfriend her. Toxic folks can be contagious. Don't catch her Ebola. Narc anonymously and run.


i don't believe the lady in question really ever stopped, she was testing your judgment of events.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

If it was me, I would want to know.

If its legal in your area, grab a VAR and try and get her to talk about it again. Get as much information as you can and then inform her husband and provided him with the VAR as proof.

It's going to be hard for him to hear, but some people bury their head in the sand when something like this hits.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

michzz said:


> i don't believe the lady in question really ever stopped, she was testing your judgment of events.


:iagree:

She now has lots of experience as a PUA. She'll know what buttons to push. Maybe she's working your neighborhood too. Wives should be pulling their husbands off the streets!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

michzz said:


> i don't believe the lady in question really ever stopped, she was testing your judgment of events.


And if he was rational or not.

Not getting emotional needs met -> randomly screwing 20 guys?

Ya, that makes sense as a way to get your emotional needs met.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marduk said:


> And if he was rational or not.
> 
> Not getting emotional needs met -> randomly screwing 20 guys?
> 
> Ya, that makes sense as a way to get your emotional needs met.



Messed up is an understatement.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_ She told me he had been sexually involved with 20+ different people totalling about 40 different sexual encounters._

Holy s**h I wonder how many times did she use protection?

He husband has the right to know about his wives horribale sexualy behavior.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_That she no longer feels any guilt or shame for her actions should say a LOT about her to you, and none of it good._

How can she feel guilt with 20 men in seven years?

And I'm a Christian so I know that God doesn't want me to judge but 20 men? Who probably had wives or gf's so not only did she rip her marriage apart but others relationships as well.

And now she not giving her husband a choice if he wants to leave her?

One word selfish.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Richard60 said:


> She told me he had been sexually involved with 20+ different people totalling about 40 different sexual encounters.


 She is female and based on your name being Richard60 I am guessing that you are male. I am also thinking that talking secretly to an opposite sex friend about her past sex life, her husband not meeting her emotional needs in the past, and about her being able to rationalize away her guilt for being a serial cheater, are inappropriate, and is a textbook case of her wanting to enter into at least an emotional affair (EA) with you. As a serial cheater, she knows the EAs are often a gateway into a physical affair (PA), which it seems she is grooming you for.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> That she no longer feels any guilt or shame for her actions should say a LOT about her to you, and none of it good.


I think that people who cheat self-select. By that I mean that as a group people who cheat would tend to have a less developed conscience. People with a less developed conscience would have an easier time forgiving themselves. 

So cheaters have an easier time forgiving themselves.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lovelyblue said:


> _That she no longer feels any guilt or shame for her actions should say a LOT about her to you, and none of it good._
> 
> How can she feel guilt with 20 men in seven years?
> 
> ...


Unless you are looking to hook up with her, say "Bye bye. Don't call me I'll call you". Then don't. Ever.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TRy said:


> She is female and based on your name being Richard60 I am guessing that you are male. I am also thinking that talking secretly to an opposite sex friend about her past sex life, her husband not meeting her emotional needs in the past, and about her being able to rationalize away her guilt for being a serial cheater, are inappropriate, and is a textbook case of her wanting to enter into at least an emotional affair (EA) with you. As a serial cheater, she knows the EAs are often a gateway into a physical affair (PA), which it seems she is grooming you for.


I agree. In that sense, she continues to betray him by crossing boundaries she should have placed on herself - if she was truly remorseful. Boundaries crossed that could lead to another EA/PA.

Who knows how many of her other A's started the same way.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kind of ironic. She feels forgiven and guilt free. Why tell anyone anything at all? Feeling guilty by chance? She feels guilty. Needs to find a good path at getting it off her conscience and save her comfy marriage. Husband needs to know she is not the gal he thinks she is.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

*Re: Re: What to Say to a Friend*

Agree... As no matter how is it going to be resolved it will be your fault. Speaking from experience  




tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> And plan on cutting both out of your life because both may blame you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Richard60 said:


> She says she has asked for God's forgiveness and feels he has forgiven her.


 That's all fine and dandy but she isn't married to God, so that and three bucks will get her a cup of coffee. 

The lady is nuts for divulging something like that. It's obvious that she doesn't give a rats hat about her husband.

I wouldn't worry about telling her husband. With that many encounters, it's going to come out on it's own. I hope her husband has a strong heart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Richard60,

Why did she tell you this? 

Do the two of you talk a lot about personal things? 

How well do you know her husband?

Are you married?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

marduk said:


> Nobody hooks up with 20 different affair partners and walks away with a shrug and a "God forgives me."
> 
> .


YA....they do!!!!

I have to say it took my old lady 13 yrs not 7 to hit her 20 mark

As to your question...IDK

After all she did stop..so at the very least she has that going for her.

I'm thinking after all this time ...even if you do tell her to tell her old man...she won't!


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

*Re: Re: What to Say to a Friend*

Good old "God forgave me" statement... Fortunately God is not here to testify, so... Everything goes as far as one can claim "God forgave", right? 



marduk said:


> I would say she's delusional and ask why she's you're friend.
> 
> Nobody hooks up with 20 different affair partners and walks away with a shrug and a "God forgives me."
> 
> Me, I'd tell the husband, but I'm an a-hole that way.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Unless you can prove it, don't say anything to the husband. And that's the type of friend I'd question if I wanted to continue any type of relationship no matter how platonic.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

This confession involves you emotionally with the deepest secrets in her life. She is telling you, a member of the opposite sex, about the strange places her vagina has taken her.

A serial cheater may love her BS, but have a sex addiction. So, I would not tell her husband because they may love each other but not in a completely healthy way. This fragile situation is theirs to deal with.

What sort of background does your friendship have? How important is it to you? What does she know about you that you have not shared with others?

Do they have children? Why did her relationship with her husband repair itself? Spontaneously?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The betrayed spouse deserves to know so they can make choices with all of the information. To have their health checked, to decide if they want to remain married or reconcile. By not telling him you are robbing him of that information and she will have made you complicit in her wrong doing. 

She is not a friend to you. She is looking to hook up with you most likely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> This confession involves you emotionally with the deepest secrets in her life. She is telling you, a member of the opposite sex, about the strange places her vagina has taken her.


:lol: :rofl:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

funny joke said:


> In my opionion, you'd better not to say a word about your friend to her husband. After all, it is not good and maybe it can break their marriage.


This is the worst kind of rationalization, IMO.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

workindad said:


> The betrayed spouse deserves to know so they can make choices with all of the information. To have their health checked, to decide if they want to remain married or reconcile. By not telling him you are robbing him of that information and she will have made you complicit in her wrong doing.
> 
> She is not a friend to you. She is looking to hook up with you most likely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Can we get more context on this situation? Others have asked many unanswered questions, and I have some as well.

How well do you know this woman? Under what circumstances did she tell you this? How well do you know her husband? Do you believe her story? What is the nature of her marriage and family? Does she have kids? What is the husband's situation re: work, income, children, age, and health? Do you believe anyone else knows about the infidelities? Why do you think she told you about it?

My gut feel is what workindad posted, that the husband has a right to know this information. But that presumes that you believe what she said, and there are no oddball situations. If her hubby is dying of cancer, no don't tell him. But in general he has a lot of reasons to know about it, and it is harmful to intentionally keep him in the dark.

I oppose doing things which will harm people. Keeping this secret almost certainly will harm him.

The cheating wife has harmed him and harmed the marriage even though he doesn't know it yet. Any fallout is due to her intentional acts, not you telling the husband about what she did.

I like the idea of using a VAR to get her confession. This is a solid backup in case hubby turns it around on you and makes it ugly. I would not give him the recording at first, but have it ready.


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