# I've "Let Him Go" but he won't leave me alone!



## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

What do you do when you finally decide to let your cheating spouse go, told them to go have their affair with the OP and that you are done, yet they won't let go of you?

I have been dealing with this affair for almost 3 years now. I hung on as long as I could, but the pain was too much to bear. I finally told him to " just go, go be with her." Yet he refuses to go...He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with me and the kids, while she spent it with her family.His excuse is that he wants to be around his children during the holidays. I told him to find another place to live or take the kids to her house. He refuses to find another place to live or take the kids to her house because he knows our teens won't go to her house. Then he starts crying. I am so sick of seeing this grown man cry over something he started.

I am surprised the OP takes his measly scraps that he dishes out to her. He has never spent any holidays with her and she still hangs on. I want him gone. I have cut off sex with him a long time ago and now he says, "well how am I supposed to work it out with you if you won't sleep with me, I have to get it some where (referring to sex with OP)...I'm a man, I have needs. So that is his justification for continuing the affair. 

I asked him not to buy me anything for Christmas as I did not feel like it was a Christmas with each other. So he ended up spending over $1000 on me, and then just put our kids names on everything. He acts like he loves me, but refuses to give up OP. I am tired of this, my health is now suffering. I have had 2 AFib attacks now with my heart. I didn't have this until after his affair started. Drs. are watching me carefully to see what causes these heart flutterings. I just want this to be over...I keep telling him to go...go be with her and he just won't go. 

I have done the 180 and I feel like it backfires on me...In fact he says that the way that I am (180 style, although he doesn't know what it's called) is the reason he started an affair with someone, cause I was too busy doing other things. 

I tried to use the whole reverse babble thing on him last night because he kept saying, "you don't even want me" and I said "you're right I don't want you". Not sure if that was effective cause he took off today to go see OP. 

It's a New Year and I want to just end it all with him. I don't think he is going to change. All the 180's , NC, even flirting with another man in front of him, doesn't work. The whole flirting with another man made him jealous and then he started to stalk me, check my phone while I was sleeping,he broke into my email...and checkes on my whereabouts all the time now. Yet it didn't make him realize he could lose me, it didn't make him say "Oh wait, I do want to work this out with you, I do want to go to MC"...it just keeps him where he's always been.

He told me after Jan. 1st that he is going to pack up all his stuff and leave. I said, "and when you leave, you know that this is it, it will be over" and all he says is "whatever".

Sigh.....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!!!

He doesn't have to agree...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This is really hard. He really, really wants to have his cake and eat it too. I am so sorry that you have had to suffer this and for it to go on three years means he holds you in complete contempt. saying that, you are doing well now. 

Just keep suggesting he goes to the OW and that they will be really happy. 
"It will all work out for you."
"I'm sure it is the right decision for you."
"I just want you to be happy..
Send helpful links that make agree with their point of view by email.
Basically, you have to help them out the door..

There is nothing more challenging to cheater than their spouse lovingly detaching because they are no longer able to focus on you as the source of the pain and suffering and are left with, wait for it.. Reality.

If you love something, Set it free [corny,but true]

Don't be surprised if his whole house of cards falls down and he wants to R.
Are you indifferent to his needs now? If you are. Divorce him and get on with life.

If not, make sure you add at the front of the detach statement. 
I love you but..
"I love you but I want you to be happy."

You will feel better and it will help you detach faster too.

Three years is a hell of a long time in Limbo. 

Practically.
Set up a new bank account and move half the money
Cancel joint Credit Cards.
Get the Divorce under way. You can always stop it..


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

ing said:


> Practically.
> Set up a new bank account and move half the money
> Cancel joint Credit Cards.
> Get the Divorce under way. You can always stop it..


Oh you'll love this one...He actually closed the bank account on me!! We had a joint account for 16 years that he never really used, only I did. But once he became jealous and suspicious of ME, he closed my bank account. I find that so ironic since he was the one in an affair yet he started shutting things down on me accusing me of having an affair. 

Later on he apologized and said it was stupid of him to do that to me but that he was just jealous. I ended up opening another account without him on it. We never had joint credit cards together so that's good. Honestly I have done a good job of putting everything in my name, so that he really can't touch anything or hurt me financially. Now I just have to get him to get out of the house and go be with his skank. 

I am off to a party tonight, and actually stayed out all night last night with friends and today he is being standoffish to me. I think that I am probably on a different level than a lot of betrayed spouses on this board, because I have finally gotten emotionally stable and do what I want when I want and don't answer to him, but he can't stand it that he has no control of me anymore. 

He does seem to want his cake and eat it to. He can't stand not knowing where I'm at or what I'm doing. I left him sitting on the couch last night crying, cause I told him to hurry up and get his crap out of the house so I could move on with my life...then I walked out the door to go meet up with friends. 

I am not doing any of this to "get him back" so to speak. I truly am ready to do my own thing, without him. It's just so weird how hard it is to make him GO! He keeps telling me how he wants his family, and I have to remind him that "you don't have a family anymore." And then the tears again from him. He says "I love my family." Dude...you're having an affair...your family is not here waiting for you to figure out your life, your family is not supporting you while you have your affair, your family doesn't feel sorry for you cause you're so confused. Grrr...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This reminds me of my stbxw. She was bleating on about "wanting her family back" at the same time as having an affair. DUH. 
She finally ended the affair and now is desperately trying to bury it and "wants her family back" 
Maybe she should have thought of that as she walked out the door with a smile on her face, leaving me with the kids while she fcked her married man BF. 

Looks like he killed your love stone dead. after three years I'm not surprised!

He really needs to leave now. 
Divorce.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So why haven't you filed?


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

We just had a HUGE blowout...just now. Maybe it was reading this forum that go me going. He came in after being out with OW and her family, and came in and sat down on our couch. I said "what are you doing?" He said, "well I came home for a bit, then I'm gonna go back out for dinner with them"...OH I got mad, angry. I said, "then why don't you just go stay with her then?" And he says "cause I wanted to spend New Years Eve with my kids"...I told him just GO...just flipping go be with your woman. Then he says to me..."I will, and I'll move all my stuff out tomorrow"...I said "tomorrow, let's do it now...we have plenty of boxes"...then I threatened to call OW just then, he grabbed me by the wrist and yanked my cell phone out of my hand....I grabbed him by the shirt and it ripped...he grabbed a bunch of his stuff and left. He said he won't be back at all, the kids were crying..I was crying. 

As he was leaving, he was throwing it up in my face that it's over, we're done..(Yep, this is what I wanted even though I was crying)...I said, "and you're going to stay away from this house correct?" he says "if that is what you want then yes"...

Gosh I had to go psycho on him to get him out of here. Now he really wont' want to ever come back...and that's a good thing. I couldn't take anymore, I really couldn't...the farther away the better. He will have to figure out how he can see his kids. 
I will be filing this week Shaggy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow - he just doesn't get how screwed up what he is doing is does he?

btw - Benatar - good name for a singer.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Benatar said:


> He said, "well I came home for a bit, then I'm gonna go back out for dinner with them"...


:scratchhead:

I had to go mental too!

You are "home" then he "goes out" to his girlfriends and has dinner. He thinks of you as a "family member" this is why he is struggling. He absolutely believes that your love is unconditional and that he can come home at any time. Which from the sounds of it has been true. You will notice that we are fairly radical in dumping consequences. 
Dump his **** in bags and tell him to come and collect it Your kids can not see you being tortured any more! he can see them according to law, he can pay support. he can suffer a bit.


Well Done. Enough is enough. You fought long and hard for your marriage. You should be proud of your efforts.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Well he supposedly is coming by today to pack stuff up. I am glad I have the day off as I will be helping him pack it up so I can make sure ALL of it is gone. No excuses to have to come back because you forgot something. I know he will be crying as he packs up his stuff and I have never have been able to decipher what that means. 

I have been in limbo for almost 3 years and it has been an exhausting ride. I blame myself for letting it continue for so long. I blame that on love, and for fighting for something that you cared about. Ironic again how they don't have that same feeling or fight for love in themselves. I will grieve...but not for the person he is now. I will grieve for the person who I thought he was.

Just before he left this evening he kept throwing in my face all the things I did that caused him to have an affair. I find it funny that he keeps telling me about a gym membership that was $16 a month, that he had asked me if I really needed to keep even though I wasn't going. At the time, I just said "Yeah, I want to keep it"...see he was on the verge of bankruptcy and he says that he was struggling so bad financially but the measly $16 a month I insisted on keeping and he thought that was so wrong of me to keep that gym membership when he was going broke and I wasn't using it. I get that thrown in my face over and over and over. I blame that on the fact that he didn't share how bad his situation was...I really am not a material girl...so his issue about my stupid gym membership is the dumbest argument ever...If he would have said "Babe..really?? c'mon I am financially struggling...can we cancel this??" but he didn't say it like that...so dumb anyway...Not a reason to cheat on me.

And he kept saying how OW was "there" for him when his business was failing. How she told him he was "so smart" and "he could get through this is he kept trying"...blah blah blah...he makes her sound like a flipping saint!! I was busy taking care of our children!!! which he never had to worry about them getting to school or anything school related...yet I am the bad guy cause I wasn't licking his wounds as his business failed. UGH so tired of this crap!

So it should be done and over with tomorrow. Can't wait to help him pack. Can't wait to start the new year single and free, and this whole affair business behind me. Limbo sucks. I am tired of waiting to see if he "wanted to come back and work it out"...the answer is NO...he doesn't want to...Okay..have a nice life..


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Ing...I am proud of my efforts. I put up a great fight for it. I am proud of myself to have fought for something that I loved. I didn't win. That's okay. You can only fight for so long before you just say, "Ok..I give up"...I'm giving up. 

He would tell you that I didn't fight, but I know in my heart I did. 
This foggy person doesn't remember the video that I made of all of our pictures of us together and with our kids...it's an awesome video that I sent to him to remind him of how much I loved him. This foggy person doesn't remember all the times I tried to talk to him, over and over and over. This foggy person doesn't remember all the times I took him back and believed he was done with the OW only to find out he wasn't. This foggy person doesn't remember all the times I sucked it up and spent time with him and the kids together as a family just so that he didn't get left out of Disneyland or Christmas even though I was hurting knowing she was still in the picture. Unfortunately this foggy person doesn't know what love really is....he doesn't love like I do....and that is his loss. I fought for what I believed was love...now I'm letting it go. It's a new year and time to move forward. I wish him well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why not pack his stuff and have it ready, or mostly ready when he shows up. 

A concern is the physical alternation you two had... it's getting out of hand. Perhaps you could have someone else there while he's packing. It's less likely to get out of hand if there is someone else there.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Edit:


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A concern is the physical alternation you two had... it's getting out of hand. Perhaps you could have someone else there while he's packing. It's less likely to get out of hand if there is someone else there.


It won't get out of hand today...it only got out of hand because of me. I was trying to discuss this with him and all he does is ignore me..or turns and faces the TV..or the worst one to me...is walk away fro me. I get so frustrated with him ..that I snapped. Once he walked away I went after him. I havent done that to him in a very long time..and if I recall correctly it was during his first affair in 1996 that I did the same thing. But today is a very good date to get him out..a new beginning for me...hopefully. No more tears..no more frustration..no more wondering where he is..what he's doing etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You either like living with the the drama or want to be hurt. If not pack his stuff in the boxes , write his name on them and place them in the garage. Change the locks and keep him out.

I assume his parents, yours and the OW's parents know he has been committing adultery and with who.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You either like living with the the drama or want to be hurt. If not pack his stuff in the boxes , write his name on them and place them in the garage. Change the locks and keep him out.
> 
> I assume his parents, yours and the OW's parents know he has been committing adultery and with who.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes my parents and his parents do know and have all moved on with it..OW's parents are no longer living. She was single when he met her so there is no OWH to tell. A lot has happened in 2 years. As he was leaving yesterday he told the kids that it wasn't about them that it was about a broken marriage as if he wasn't doing anything wrong. Its broken cause you're having an affair!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Benatar said:


> Yes my parents and his parents do know and have all moved on with it..OW's parents are no longer living. She was single when he met her so there is no OWH to tell. A lot has happened in 2 years. As he was leaving yesterday he told the kids that it wasn't about them that it was about a broken marriage as if he wasn't doing anything wrong. Its broken cause you're having an affair!!


Do her remaining family and her friends know she is having an affair with a married man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

There is a lot of info on exposure in the newbie thread below:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

I feel your pain. I have been going through the same thing for the past 7 months but you have been doing it for 3 years. I agree with what you are doing but deep down inside I am sure you are still hoping. Once he is out of the house it will be so much better because you begin to emotionally detach everyday. You know he will go to her but just let him go. It is hard for me too. It hurts to know you invested your time and energy on someone and they aren't giving back or appreciate what you have done. We need to stop giving and start living. 

My fear is that he will find his happiness with her and they will live happily ever after but I have to let that go.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You either like living with the the drama or want to be hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this is the reason for the title of my post. I don't like the drama. I don't like the hurt. I can't get him to go away!! He keeps crying and says he has no place to go and nowhere to take the kids. He waits till I'm at work and then sneaks over and knocks on the door and my kids let him in. He follows me to see what I'm doing. He shows up at random places where he sees my car parked and acts like it was a coincidence that he's there to. He drives by my work to see if my car is parked there and if it isn't, he has one of my kids call me to find out where I'm at. He keeps buying stuff for our house..major purchases! He does laundry, grocery shopping, takes care of the dog, cleans the house, gives the children money...but still continues his affair.

I like how he explained to the kids last night how he is in a relationship with the OW but he doesn't put it in anyone's face, as if we are all supposed to go, "Oh thank you, that makes it so much easier if you do it behind our backs. Maybe we can play stupid and pretend it's not really happening." And "We should all be thankful for all that he does for us!" Are you kidding me??!!

It's like the guilt from having an affair and breaking up his family is too much for him, so he thinks that if he continues to provide and give to his family, that we shouldn't have anything to say about it because we are being taken care of. I told him last night, "don't do me any favors"...Pay your child support and don't worry about what happens to this house anymore. I will take care of it or hire someone to help take care of it. You no longer need to come in here to clean, cook for the kids, take the dog to the dog park, do laundry, do odd jobs around the house. WHY??" That's pretty much having his cake and eating it too right?? Having his home to hang out in, sit on his couch, watch his tv, sleep in his bed...with the kids right here. No visitation to worry about...it's all so cushy..and then when he wants to see OW, he just waits till the kids are at school or I'm at work and he goes to see her. Or..they take their little trips together and is gone with her for 10 days at a time, then he comes back to his house and expects me not to be upset with him.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

File , make the seperation legal and change the house locks . Use adultery as the reason, if not state in the paperwork his affair with "OW's name" is causing the breakup. Include a morality clause that prevents him having the children with the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

tiptoe1969 said:


> I feel your pain. I have been going through the same thing for the past 7 months but you have been doing it for 3 years. I agree with what you are doing but deep down inside I am sure you are still hoping. Once he is out of the house it will be so much better because you begin to emotionally detach everyday. You know he will go to her but just let him go. It is hard for me too. It hurts to know you invested your time and energy on someone and they aren't giving back or appreciate what you have done. We need to stop giving and start living.
> 
> My fear is that he will find his happiness with her and they will live happily ever after but I have to let that go.


Tiptoe, I'm glad you found my thread. I've been reading yours too. I agree, that I also have that same fear about him being happier with her than he ever was with me. I get so tired of hearing what a wonderful person she is. We were together 18 years and I have never heard him speak of me like that, even when we were together I never got the same respect. 

He gives her praise for "always being there for him". Really?? "She wasn't the one staying up with your kids all night while they had 104 degree fevers. She wasn't the one doing your dirty laundry so you would have clean clothes to wear or putting together every single Thanksgiving and Christmas all by herself for the last 18 years while you did nothing! She isn't the one who picks up the dog poo in the backyard, or the one who runs your children back and forth to school. 

She has no children at home to worry about and no job to have to go off to. She can sit all day and think of ways to make you feel like a real man. "

-------------------Update as of 1:00 pm today---------------

Our blowout was enough for him to get his stuff packed up today. He showed up about 10 am...Not really super prepared with any boxes or anything. He took all of his clothing on hangars, clothing in drawers, shoes, some work related stuff and is gone. He even took his second vehicle that he drives for work. He drove it up to the corner shopping center and parked it, and is probably going to have OW drop him off later to pick it up. He cried the whole time...Borderline sobbing...what the heck does this mean? I guess I shouldnt care since I wanted him gone. I guess it would be easier if the tears weren't there. I know he loves his family, I know he loves me. But he must put a bigger price on his relationship with his OW, because this is what he is choosing...Or is it because he knows he is losing his family. Ugh!! 

I said to him before he left..."Ironically, the ONE thing you never tried to do...was end it with the OW and go to NC with her. And you blame me for it not working out." I have stuck to my guns about not even trying to work on us, until she is out of the picture. Am I wrong? Cause part of me keeps thinking that if I had just been the nice wifey, hanging out with him, sleeping with him, meeting the emotional needs, that he would have left her? But then the other part of me, says "Nah..he wouldn't have done anything except continue to cake eat."


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Time to focus on you , exercise , eat well and don't give him any airtime in your head. Go dark on your husband as typically waywards try to manipulate and use the poor me look what youve done to me card.

The OW can try to fill his needs, in 90 plus percent of cases they fail 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Oh I know she will fail at it..she has failed already. He has made that part clear to me. He hates staying with her. He only likes being with her when he wants to. He would cheat on her in a second. He tried cheating on her several times with me, but I flat out told him "not gonna happen buddy." 

I think that as he left today the tears were from his having to leave his home. Leaving his kids, his pets, his comfort zone. Not sure if I was included in that list though...he is pretty much super angry with me for going psycho on him. 

He just isn't a happy man. Nothing makes him happy. He is going to have to hit rock bottom to figure out what he wants. In the meantime, I will continue to go dark, darker than I have ever been with him in the last 2 1/2 years of this craziness. I look forward to the emotional healing. I admit, part of it did hurt seeing him pack up the stuff to go...I dreaded that part...but now it's gone. Hopefully he will do what I ask and stay out of the house to see the kids...and stop calling me, stop texting me, stop stalking me and stop looking for me. There was no reason for any of that because he did it out of jealousy. Not out of wanting to save us or fix us. I never once heard the words, "I'll do whatever it takes to work on us..not once"

Does anyone know of any good threads on going dark, how to stay dark and things to do to really emotionally detach. I mean I am there...just need a super boost of a little more today cause even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it just still hurts. 

I still had access to his emails thanks to a keylogger. I went in and deleted every single email he had been saving from me. I had sent him emails about how much I loved him (this was awhile ago)...emails on the research I did on how to end his affair...stuff from Dr. Phil about ending an affair...stuff about how having the OW still on the side never works, even just to try to be friends with her. His excuse is that I would always throw this up in his face, forever. I said to him, "Not if you told me it was me that you wanted to be with". 

My next plan is to remove his name from my cell phone, stop checking his emails, delete all the old texts, pretty much start deleting him out of my life. I know I can do it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Marriagebuilders calls it plan b 

You nominate an intermediary , block your husband from all your mails , Facebook etc. create a visitation schedule and a mechanism to hand the children over without you having to talk to or engage with him. Your husband communicates with you via an intermediary , the intermediary filters the dross and only gives you pertanent information . It's pretty much what a court appointed intermediary would do without the cost.

Summarise the rules in a letter to your husband and send it to him such that he has to sign for receipt thereof . Experience says most waywards do not take the letter or rules easily , key is a tough intermediary, clear rules and a plan from you when he breaches them , and he will try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A few threads, skim through the plan A parts

When to Call It Quits (Part 1)

Parallel Parenting in Plan B - Marriage Builders® Forums
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Just an update and few other things to add to this thread.

I just skimmed through my posts here. I can't find anything about my mentioning that while H was "staying" at the house over the Christmas holiday that he started making re-modeling plans on the house. Now my question is this?? Why does he keep talking about things he wants to do to our house if he doesn't plan on being 100% committed and back into our marriage? I mean don't most men who choose to have an affair, want out and refuse to put anymore money into a house that he is being kicked out of?

My H hired a contractor to put in a whole new courtyard area on the side of our house, complete with fire pit, BBQ island, new concrete, new fencing, new gates etc. to the tune of 10K. He even asked me to go with to pick out colors, styles etc. This was before our big blowout New Years Eve (when I told him to get his crap and get out). On New Years Day he came and packed up all of his clothing etc and is now staying at OW's house. 

On Monday he was here bright and early with the landscape company discussing the plans and overseeing the construction. Stayed for a couple of hours and then left. Same deal on Tuesday. While he was here he kept talking about doing our kitchen next (remodeling) and then re-doing the floors, knocking out walls etc. He keeps making future plans that include his putting money into our house. I don't get it!!! He even talked about what he is going to do next Christmas with the outside lights and how he is going to have an electrician come out and put in new outlets. I remember last week he told me to start buying more Christmas lights for next year. Wow really?? You're really looking that far into the future at this house? Maybe he's doing it for the kids so they have a nice home to live in...Makes me wonder what or how he will be when they go off to college and it's just me left here at this house. My teens will be in college in less than 4 years.

At this point, I'm just like..."whatever...your'e not gonna be here to enjoy it so if you want to remodel then knock yourself out." 

I just find it bizarre that he is still pouring money into the family home instead of somewhere else.


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## disappointed123 (Jul 26, 2011)

He is in denial.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

disappointed123 said:


> He is in denial.


What sort of denial is this? 

I just think he is so mental. When I told him to get out, he kept saying "We are OVER". I was like "dude, it's been over"...He acted like he was doing something right by being at the house with me and the kids over the holidays and that since I got all crazy on him and told him to get out that he was ending it with me. 

2 days later he's back at the house making remodeling plans. 
SMH :scratchhead:!!


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Benatar said:


> Just an update and few other things to add to this thread.
> 
> I just skimmed through my posts here. I can't find anything about my mentioning that while H was "staying" at the house over the Christmas holiday that he started making re-modeling plans on the house. Now my question is this?? Why does he keep talking about things he wants to do to our house if he doesn't plan on being 100% committed and back into our marriage? I mean don't most men who choose to have an affair, want out and refuse to put anymore money into a house that he is being kicked out of?


No, they don't. This goes for both men and women. It's commonly referred to as cake-eating. These people continue to operate under the delusion that they can enjoy the benefits of married life while continuing their affair. It can last all the way to divorce, and in some cases beyond.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Hi Benatar,
Your post is so familiar to what I have been trying to erase from my past. My exH acted similarly and now I see how it played on my mind trying to figure out what his intentions were. I realize now, that he was in denial and I keep wondering if he has periods of a form of mental illness. 

In the midst of living with the OW, he ordered season tickets for us to sports games and other purchases that made connotation that we still existed as a couple. It was confusing at the time but now I feel those acts allowed him to dismiss the reality of his choices and instead, allowed him to pretend he was a kind & generous man. We have been divorced for a year. He is still with the OW (2 1/2 years). This Christmas, he sent me flowers and 3 presents me and also presents to my 2 kids. Again, I think it is his way of trying to remove his guilt. 

To me, as long as there is no consequence to you, it's his choice to invest $ into your house. But protect yourself, financially & emotionally. It may be just another act of control.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

52Flower, Are you now in a better place now that you are divorced? I can't wait to get to that point. I believe you have made a great point. They are hiding the guilt and reality from themselves by keeping us in their lives.

Thanks for sharing.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Hi Tiptoe,

The nice thing about this forum is that it's safe to be honest - sometimes painful but it feels good to listen and look at the reality of who and where you are. I can honestly say I am in a better place but it took a long time and I did not do as well as I think other posters would have done.

I spend a lot of time wondering why it was so hard for me. I don't want to make excuses or allowances. I don't know why I cared so much about someone who did not respect and treat me well. I would be crazy protecting any friend or family who was being disrespected as I was-nobody deserves that. Yet I wasn't as absolute in my boundaries as I should have been...I kick myself for that.

He hasn't let go. He still believes we will end up together (??##!!) even when my answer is no...you can't be serious! But now, when the opportunity and situation comes up, I can stand up and let him know exactly how I feel about what he did to me. I am clear that I do not respect him for his choices & who he is today except that he is a human being who can make any choice he wants....but he won't hurt me anymore. He listens, asks for clarification, does not argue back, admits his wrongdoings, is ashamed, and wishes he could take it all back. I do not want revenge, I really do wish he can fill the holes in his soul eventually because otherwise I don't think he will ever find happiness & peace. 

It feels good that I can stand up to him now and tell him I'm in some ways glad this happened because it was a good kick in the butt to work on my need to build a stronger character. I care too much about pleasing others and it becomes a fault when you neglect your own needs. It was a grueling, painful, and lonely journey but I'm still hanging in there and I'm much happier and more optimistic. I don't know where I will end up..maybe alone but I will never stop trying to improve, still have a lot to learn, and...my goal is to not lose myself again.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Love your post 52flower it was so inspiring. You have spoken for every FBS who is letting go. I know the journey will be hard but i know I will be a stronger person. I am like you worried about everyone else except myself. I gave myself to my husband and he just walked all over me. People make mistakes and learn. My husband did not understand that lesson. I do. I will not make the same mistake again and let someone treat me as badly as he did. I have learned from my mistakes and know it will lead me to the path of happiness.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I just wonder could you get a restraining order against him now? That would maybe snap some kind of sense in him. If he breaks it call 911.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Benatar,
What you are seeing in your husband is that he needs both you and the OW.
The way affairs work is that the OW/OM fills the needs that the spouse does not.
In a good marriage, most but not all, of a spouses needs are met. No one person can fill all of another person’s needs. So let’s say that there are 10 emotional needs that are required for a marriage. Let’s also say that you were filling 7 of his emotional needs… which is pretty normal in a good marriage.

Now he meets OW who happens to fill the remaining 3 of his emotional needs. So your husband is now a happy camper, all 10 of his emotional needs are met. He’s more emotionally fulfilled then he has ever been. Plus he has two women fighting over him. It sounds like a win situation for the cheater.
But.. and it’s a big BUT, new he has you angered/upset. He needs you because you fill 7 of his needs.
By filing the 7 of his needs, you are making his relationship with the OW very easy. When he’s with her, she does not have do to any heavy lifting. Plus they are both on their best behavior during the affair. Affairs are built on flimsy ground because they require so little from the OW/OM… a fantasy that is easily dashed.

Now that your husband has moved in with her, he will depend on her for 100% of his emotional needs to be met. That is not the bargain struck in an affair. He is going to smother her with his demands for her to meet all of his needs that you used to meet. But there is no way she can. It will put pressure on their relationship and the affair will most likely end with a very unhappy ending. Affairs seldom last long once the WS moves in with the OW. I think that the stats are 2% survive more than a few months.

I highly suggest that you read the book Surviving an Affair, by Drs. Harley and Chalmers.
Surviving An Affair

The Plan B suggested by others is a very good idea. Also look at the 180 in my signature block. It fits very well with the Plan B.

Now about your husband coming over to remodel the house. He’s only doing it to have continued access to the you and the family home. You need to tell him to stay away. You can handle the contractor. And I would not allow any further remodeling. If you do your are continuing to enable his little game.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sirdano said:


> I just wonder could you get a restraining order against him now? That would maybe snap some kind of sense in him. If he breaks it call 911.


She will need to check with an attorney on this. It's the family home. He might have the right to enter the home.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Came into the thread late but I just want to commend you ladies, especially you Benatar, on how strong you are through all this. You are doing everything right even though it must be so tough. It's admirable that you are sticking to your guns and sticking up for yourself. So many spouses don't do this.

I hope you are able to find true peace and happiness, it is obvious you are on the right path. I'm sorry you are dealing with this kind of betrayal.


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

I keep seeing his financial inputs as a way to pave over his guilt. He buys the love of his family and children through gifts, as if that solves anything.

But maybe he really believes that, in the midst of fog or denial.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Just wanted to post an update on my situation...and maybe ask some of you who have been through this....WHY is the wayward in my situation doing this???!!! Let me explain.

I think I had started this thread, and titled it...he won't leave me alone. Well it has gotten worse...the more I move on with my life...the less he doesn't like it. We are separated and living apart and have been living apart for over a year. I am living in the house with our teens, he lives with his OW most of the time he is in town. Otherwise he is out of town working. When in town, and with OW...he stops by the house to see his kids. We have been getting along and friendly with each other. We have attended school functions such as basketball games, softball games, football games...and sit together in the stands. He doesn't call me, I don't call him. We don't text, email, or make any real conversation about his affair..anymore. I have pretty much done the 180 to the extreme...and it has worked for me. I am looking at life differently, and moving forward...without him. I get glimpses of how miserable he is though. I see him spending more time hanging around our house, than going home to OW. I see him having to answer to her on his cell phone about where he is and why he isn't home. He told me way back after he left me, that "I don't answer to you!"...yet find it funny that he is answering to her.


Anyway...so in my moving forward with my life...I have been doing things that I like to do. I love to play pub trivia...unfortunately playing pub trivia, IS playing it in a bar or pub. Usually it's a group of people or teams against other people in the same bar. It usually lasts only a couple of hours. About 6 mos ago I met a group of people who are now MY team. So I have been going out on Tuesdays and Thursdays to play trivia. I don't go every single week. Sometimes I will go to only one night of trivia, sometimes neither, sometimes both nights. At any rate...I am only gone from the house for 2 hours tops...and I always tell my team that I cannot stay after trivia cause my kids are at home and need to get back. Kids are 15 and 17 years old. On a couple of those occasions I have brought my 15 year old daughter with me "to the bar"...
Another thing that I enjoy is country music, country dancing...and guess what...usually that is at a bar. It was thrown up in my face a long time ago that I am just like my mother, a bar fly.

I am an extremely social person. I love being out..love to laugh, love to socialize, love to dance, love music...so I do go to the country bars every now and then. I am responsible when I go...and take a cab to and from. I don't go out to the country bars during the week, and never usually go twice on the weekends, I usually pick either a Fri or Sat night.

So where am I going with this???...well 2 weeks ago on a Saturday night, I had gone out to celebrate a birthday...at the country bar. This was a birthday that I had planned for someone in our group. On that Saturday I worked all day, and my WS had the kids with him. He was hanging out at the house with the kids as I was getting ready. He never asked me where I was going or with who. He ended up taking the kids and leaving to go have dinner with them and I went out. I don't answer to him anymore...and I do what I want. So the night goes on...and about 2 am I am standing outside with a male friend talking...all of a sudden my WS pulls up and proceeds to shove me out of the way to get to this male friend. Male friend is aware that there was an WS in my life, and knows all about the affair and what is going on. Anyway...so the WS at this point punches the male friend in the mouth a couple of times, and as I try to break them up I get shoved and tossed to the side by my WS...I again try to get back in between them and I am pushed again by WS, hard....the male friend at this point calls 911 and the police show up. The male friend did not fight back and instead took sucker punches, he told me later out of respect for me and my children that he would not fight like that. The police end up cuffing and arresting the wayward and cart him off to jail, first time ever he has been to jail!!

So I call the OW and ask her WHY he is over here harassing me, and if he had been at her place prior to his coming over here and she said yes, that he went over to drag my butt home cause I'm a terrible mother. Wait, what??? I left my teenagers with their father that evening. I never got any phone calls that they were being dropped back at home..He could have called me to say, "hey where are you?? Kids are at home wondering why you haven't shown up"...Nada...he didn't even bother to call me. He instead drove 25 miles from OW's house to beat up some other guy and to drag me home. Before he got taken away...he kept say I was the worst mother ever, how I'm always at the bar, how I have been taking my kid to the bar...and that I needed to straighten my Sh** out...

Ironically my kids had just barely arrived home themselves at 1 am from their sisters house where they had been hanging out and playing games. Apparently their father had left them there at 7 pm and went home to OW...At 1:30 my 15 year old called her father to tell him that I wasn't home yet, and that is what sparked his temper.

So now he is saying it is my fault that he went to jail...it's my fault that he had the affair, my fault that he left me, my fault that I am a terrible mother and my fault, my fault, my fault...it's ALL ME! He told me that I only care about myself and that I'm selfish.

SMH...I just don't get it....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hopefully he enjoyed the jail time.

You should use this to get a restraining order against him. He Iis very dangerous and needs to be handled by the law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You're ex is off the deep end. Don't try to understand him. He's losing it because he feels guilty about screwing things up with you but isn't man enough to ditch the OW. So he's in some sort of bizarro world where he thinks he can have both, in reality he will lose both, and spend his life in misery.

There's this phenomenon called Cognitive Dissonance, where your brain can not hold two conflicting idealogies at the same time. It's why wayward partners concoct all sort of crazy rationalizations to prevent them from admitting that they are bad people. You're husband can't admit he's in jail because he's an idiot, you have to be the cause, or his brain explodes.

It won't stop until he forces an outcome in his mind, either he admits he's done wrong, or he admits that he doesn't want to do what's right.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

He's realising what he's lost. He's uber jealous at the fact you've shown that you can live and enjoy your life without him. The grass evidently didn't turn out to be greener with the OW hence his need to get all territorial with you and your male friend.

Be wary, these are the traits of an incredibly selfish individual, you'd do well to continue on the road you're in now and let him wallow in the mess he's gotten himself into. Don't even check up on him in jail, it's the other OW's responsibility now.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Oh absolutely. There is a temporary restraining order in place now...that stays in effect until his court hearing. You know I have been reading this forum for months, and I don't think I have ever seen a situation like mine. I tried for a year and half to get this man back. I went to counseling once a week by myself, I tried to get him into counseling. I used to try to talk to him all the time. I would have an hour to two hour conversations with him trying to make him see how we needed to work this out. I was beating my head against a brick wall hoping he would see the light and he didn't. So I gave up, and when I gave up...I gave up hard. 

It's just so unbelievable to me, how this man can want both women so bad and think he has the right to have both women in his life. He has stuck to the whole "my family" thing throughout his affair. He has his OW and then he has "his family". Or so he thinks. The night he went ballistic was a side of him I had never seen. He was in a psychotic RAGE! He literally acted like he was my father and he had just caught his daughter out late with a boy. I think at one point I laughed at him and he got even more angry. 

I just wonder if this man will ever wake up one day and look at the aftermath of his destruction. Probably not.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Oh and the really funny part of all this, is that he doesn't want me back...He doesn't want US back. That is what I find so ironic in all this. His rage is for what purpose? He has never ONCE said that he would do ANYTHING to work it out with me (it's too late anyway, but just sayin). He has never once said he would end it with the OW, so how does he even justify telling me what I can do anymore? Just bizarre.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Benatar said:


> Oh and the really funny part of all this, is that he doesn't want me back...He doesn't want US back. That is what I find so ironic in all this. His rage is for what purpose? He has never ONCE said that he would do ANYTHING to work it out with me (it's too late anyway, but just sayin). He has never once said he would end it with the OW, so how does he even justify telling me what I can do anymore? Just bizarre.


Oh he wants you back al right, he's just got too much pride to admit it otherwise he would've just shrugged seeing you with the other man. I don't know your relationship in detail but I suspect he had this attitude that he's "above" you in a way and you couldn't do any better than him so when he saw you with that other man his preconceived beliefs collapsed and he completely flipped. His reaction is definitely of a man _very_ jealous lol

I think he went into the separation thinking you'll wallow in self pity and continue to chase after him like a puppy, it empowered him in a way. Little did he know however that you'd change this radically and his life would take this turn. It's a turn around of your marital relationship, you're the Alpha one now.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Now that you've explained it that way, I think you are 100% correct. Without you even knowing my ex, you've nailed it on the head about him thinking he is the best I could ever do. He has always thought he was "above" me. I have had things thrown in my face over the years about how he paid for everything, even though I was a stay at home mom to our 2 children. 

I think that he thought I was gonna continue to be Suzy Doormat and when he was ready to come home, I would be here waiting with brownies baking in the oven for him. I know this is what he was hoping for...He was hoping that I would tell him that I understood what he was going through, and how terrible of me to be upset that he had to find someone else to boost his ego and tell him how wonderful he was because I was not living up to my wifely duties. He was hoping that each time he came over to the house I would greet him with a big smile and a hug for him, and we would fall madly in love and it would give him the excuse to end it with the OW and come home. Well maybe not just like that, but he mentioned the same night that he went to jail (prior to police showing up), that I'm not the same person anymore. You're d*mn right I'm not...No longer your doormat! 
He was looking for a different person to come back to. One who would just sweep it all under the rug and act like it never happened. He had the audacity to complain when I told him that "you're not getting sex from me ever again unless you end it with OW".

Yep, he was expecting the wallow in self pity would continue until I was so submissive I was kissing the ground he walked on. I agree with the "puppy chasing" empowered him. I admit, I did do that for a little bit. The whole tears, and begging and pleading bit...ya that got a little out of hand. I didn't like myself very much back then. I am pretty strong when I want to be, and this is the strongest I have been throughout this whole affair. It's driving him crazy, yet his man pride is getting in the way...and he refuses to admit that he is wrong so it's easier to blame me for all of this and go into psychotic jealous tantrums when he is losing control of me. 

I have to say, I have done none of this looking for a reaction from him...nor had any expectations out of it..other than to move forward with my life and do what is best for me. As soon as my daughters go off to college I am moving out of state and really cutting off ALL contact with him. I have only 3 years till my youngest will be 18...and I can't wait.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Benatar said:


> Now that you've explained it that way, I think you are 100% correct. Without you even knowing my ex, you've nailed it on the head about him thinking he is the best I could ever do. He has always thought he was "above" me. I have had things thrown in my face over the years about how he paid for everything, even though I was a stay at home mom to our 2 children.
> 
> I think that he thought I was gonna continue to be Suzy Doormat and when he was ready to come home, I would be here waiting with brownies baking in the oven for him. I know this is what he was hoping for...He was hoping that I would tell him that I understood what he was going through, and how terrible of me to be upset that he had to find someone else to boost his ego and tell him how wonderful he was because I was not living up to my wifely duties. He was hoping that each time he came over to the house I would greet him with a big smile and a hug for him, and we would fall madly in love and it would give him the excuse to end it with the OW and come home. Well maybe not just like that, but he mentioned the same night that he went to jail (prior to police showing up), that I'm not the same person anymore. You're d*mn right I'm not...No longer your doormat!
> He was looking for a different person to come back to. One who would just sweep it all under the rug and act like it never happened. He had the audacity to complain when I told him that "you're not getting sex from me ever again unless you end it with OW".
> ...


Yeah it's quite a jolt when a narcissist gets hit with a proverbial cold bucket of water. After you stopped chasing after him his ego went down the drain. Not only didn't the OW match up, but now even the one he thought he had under wraps has walked out on him. And like you said, he'd much rather make your life a living hell than to humbly come to you and apologize for the way he mistreated you, I think it's even beyond him. I think because he beat you down emotionally for so long he thought he had you "in check", he could predict every move you'd make and so this new you is a complete system shock to him. Seeing you with that other man completely emasculated him. 

He wants you to return to your old submissive self, act like nothing happened and in a way, after having learnt of his affair, you'd realise your "failings" as a wife and so from here onwards you'd have to work extra hard to keep him. 

I must say though I chuckled when you said he wanted to have you and the OW, I mean, the gall on this guy, doesn't he have any compassion whatsoever to what he put you and his family through? 

Eitherway I must commend your transformation. Stick to the road you're on now, the man reaped what he sown and look where it's gotten him. Pat yourself on the back and look restlessly for the future.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He is a nut job. Seriously be careful. See an attorney. Make sure you are never alone with this guy again. He is cracking up big time and based on his behavior is irrational. I am really concerned for your safety.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> He is a nut job. Seriously be careful. See an attorney. Make sure you are never alone with this guy again. He is cracking up big time and based on his behavior is irrational. I am really concerned for your safety.


Thorburn, thank you for your concern. There are quite a few of my friends who are worried about my safety now. My dad is ready to come pay a visit, but dad is 70 now (he still thinks he can whoop some butt). It has been almost 3 weeks ago ...and he has not called or contacted me in any way. 

I'm not sure when his court hearing is. I wonder if I will be subpoenaed or not. Someone was telling me that they will make him attend anger management or domestic violence classes. They should also make him see a therapist while they're at it. :scratchhead:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Benatar said:


> Thorburn, thank you for your concern. There are quite a few of my friends who are worried about my safety now. My dad is ready to come pay a visit, but dad is 70 now (he still thinks he can whoop some butt). It has been almost 3 weeks ago ...and he has not called or contacted me in any way.
> 
> I'm not sure when his court hearing is. I wonder if I will be subpoenaed or not. Someone was telling me that they will make him attend anger management or domestic violence classes. They should also make him see a therapist while they're at it. :scratchhead:


IMO, anger management or domestic violence classes will not do much in this case. He will go only because he is being ordered to go and will not be receptive to the education.

Have your dad come visit. I just lost mine last month and if nothing more it will be some dad time.


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