# Jerk of a Husband..



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I am at my wits end.

My husband and I will be married for 5 years tomorrow. At this point, I have no idea where our marriage is going.

He is very controlling and very OCD. I can't seem to do anything right as he's very critical. Much of this I believe is due to his career in upper management. In addition, at one time he was a policeman, and in the armed services. He was also an EMT.

However, that's no excuse to treat me like dirt most of the time. No matter what I do, I can't seem to live up to his high standards, whether it's keeping a clean house, the decisions I make, etc.

He was never like this before we were married, yet was a bit controlling afterward. It was manageable though and we were able to talk through things.

Right after we were married, he got a new position in lower upper management. It took the best out of him and put our marriage in jeopardy. He didn't like the pressure of the job, nor what it was doing to our marriage, so he stepped down and took a desk job. It made him much easier to live with and our marriage thrived.

A year after that, he was offered this huge position, basically running the company. He jumped at the chance, even though I was fearful of what it what do to him and our marriage. He promised that he wouldn't become "that guy" again, yet after two years in his current position, he has become a complete jerk.

It started out with me making subtle reminders of the promises he had made before he took this promotion, and he'd tone it down; yet now my subtle reminders fall on deaf ears.

He's critical and treats me like a child. His children can act out and he does little to correct them; yet when he talks to me, again..it's like he's constantly reprimanding me.

I've told him that I'm not one of his employees and that I don't deserve to be talked to like he does to me at times. Most of the time I'm stupid with the decisions I make, I don't keep the house clean enough and up to his extremely high standards, etc.

He's always scolding me for one thing or another whether it be the laundry detergent I buy, etc. It often turns into a half hour argument over something stupid. He just can't let things go and will dwell on it for weeks. Used to be where he wouldn't talk to me for days until I stopped putting up with that one and just let him stew.

He thrives on my housecleaning skills and no matter how much I clean, he's constantly pointing out the corners I missed. He sweeps the floor and leaves what he sweeps up in a corner just to get under my skin. One day he asked me to make his favorite tacos. After I made them like he enjoyed, he told me that I made them wrong and wouldn't touch them. 

He swears profusely to the point that it often brings me to tears. He tears me down for my own money that I spend to get my hair done, yet he spends like a fiend on needless things. We have Amazon Prime and use it as a family. Of course his purchases show up as well as mine do, so one day I made the mistake of questioning him on a large purchase he made. From the start of our marriage, we've always said that we'd have no secrets regarding anything and if we made purchases over $100.00, we'd discuss it.

I guess that promise is not longer intact as he's now blocked me from Amazon; telling me that I have no right to ask him what he spends his money on. 

The last week it's gone from bad to worse. I told him that I'd call him on my way home from work and one day I got an important phone call, so I couldn't call him. He was all over me for that. Then I was driving while on the way home from work and we were talking on the phone. My GPS said to turn on Rose Avenue. I used to live on Rose years ago with my ex..and right away he asked what the h** I was doing on Rose Ave!?? Why he would question that, I have no idea as he knows the house was sold years ago to someone else. 

I had my oil changed last week at the same garage we always go to. He wanted to know why I had it changed without telling him...I HAD told him. I had a new battery put it as they said it needed changing and he had to know why it needed changing. While he was on the road, we had issues with our furnace, so he told me to call our regular furnace guy. As we have an old furnace, the guy said that we'd probably need a new one soon...and to replace it before Sept, as the prices go up after that.

Of course he had to tell me how STUPID I was to believe that.."Women believe anything..you're all stupid.."

He has absolutely NO filter!!

My dad recently passed away and there was money to give to my sister, which I did. Of course my husband didn't think she had it coming, so he made some snide comment before the funeral, asking me if my sister knew how he felt about her. Of course not. He threatened to tell her how he felt she didn't deserve the money.

He borrowed money from my Dad right after we were married, which he promised profusely to pay back. It was a large sum which he pretends not to remember borrowing. It paid off the rest of my wedding ring, along with having our rings resized after we both lost a bunch of weight. It also paid for him spoiling his two kids to pieces.

He also borrowed a large sum from his parents, which he paid back immediately. I've gently reminded him of the money owed, which at one time he said he knew he owed and would pay it back soon..and now all of a sudden this amnesia that he doesn't remember borrowing it!??

How disrespectful!!

Since we bought my parents home, now that my dad is gone, there are a lot of things left in the house that belonged to my parents. In Dad's will, it says "share and share alike" regarding things that my sister and her family might like, my husband and I might like, etc. My husband has started to sneak around behind my back, looking around in the basement, in the attic, etc., which I don't appreciate. Although it's our home and we bought it from my dad, I still don't think it's his right to start sneaking around looking for things he wants. Owing my dad money, I think it's even worse..

He does this while I'm at work..sneaking around the house looking for valuables. I came home one day to find an antique set of "Strikeless" matches on the table and I asked where he'd found those. I guess in some back cupboard in the basement that housed my mom's old canning supplies. All he said was, "I want these.." It set me off because he didn't say, "Do you mind if I have these?"

He'd also found an old hunting gun up in our attic in the rafters that was really special to my dad at one time as he'd had it since he was a child. He told me that he wanted me to have it, yet my husband took it without my knowledge, went out on the shooting range with a friend..and almost blew his head off because it backfired. He called it a piece of crap and was going to throw it in the garbage..when he KNEW how important it was to me AND my dad. It wasn't meant to ever shoot again..but to have as a keepsake of days gone by...and the stories my dad used to tell me about his childhood.

One of my fears is that he's looking for stuff to give his kids. Although step grandchildren of my dad's, they never really recognized him as a Grandpa and deserve nothing. My husband spoils his kids rotten and since my dad never left them anything in his will..I don't think it's my husband's right to sneak around for things for himself..nor for his children.

I don't know what has happened to the man I knew as he is long gone. He cares nothing for my feelings most of the time and has become a different person. Although I have brought up the fact that he promised not to change after he took this job, my feelings no longer matter to him. He has become sneaky and to the point that I no longer trust him. As nice as I am to his children, I have stumbled across FB posts he's left up where they do nothing but cut me down to the core. I spoil his daughter rotten and thought we were soo close, but she and her dad have said the meanest things about me.

And it hurts. While I try to be the best wife and stepmom possible, by spoiling his children, he has made them mean and unappreciative. I'm a good wife and I can't believe the things he's said about me behind my back. 

I've been living in a dream world I guess, as I thought I had the perfect marriage with a great husband and stepkids that loved me. I hated myself for looking at his posts when he left his FB up and was flabbergasted at what I saw. There was one post to an old girlfriend that he told to call him sometime and he'd take her and her family out to dinner.

I trusted this man with all I had. He was my best friend for 15 years before I married him. He told me I was the love of his life, yet I can barely get an "I love you" out of him at times. I've asked him why and he tells me that he just doesn't think about it and I should just assume.

This coming from a man that used to tell me all the time how much he loved me, and I'm finding it hard to trust him.

How can I when I find posts to old girlfriends...one the night after we were married. He was talking to one of his old girlfriends and reminiscing. Said I'd never get it..but he was married..and happily..but that she was always such a beautiful woman..and that he'd better delete their conversation...or he'd get in trouble...haha.

I'd never do that to him..

I'm his 4th marriage. I can understand why the others ran like hell as I'm really questioning a possible way out at times. Not working full time doesn't help and to be honest, he scares the crap out of me sometimes. If someone messes with him..he's learned to mess with them worse, as he's so good at head games.

So I'll keep my mouth shut..for now.


----------



## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

It sounds like your husband is channeling a lot of resentment and blame toward you. He also sounds very insecure, possibly a little bit self-loathing? From your explanation, it doesn't seem as if you're aware of any way you could have caused this kind of resentment. The way he confronts you about it - over 'nothings' - probably indicates that he is knowingly misplacing this blame from somewhere else. Since the problem flares up with work stress, or flared up initially with work stress, it is probably misplaced resentment from that environment.

Have you suggested to your husband that he doesn't need to run the rat race to make you (or anyone in his family/friends) respect him? Let him know that he's respectable for being himself, and doesn't have anything to prove. (That is, if you still have the compassion available to see him and love him for who he really is underneath the pain and stress.)


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A man who has already been divorced 3 times is a very bad bet, but of course, you know that now. With each divorce, the chances of a new marriage working get lower and lower. 
Have you suggested some long term marriage counseling?Would he get individual counseling?

BTW spoiling his daughter won't help, she is already far too spoilt as it is, and you can't buy love.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This man changes careers and wives like most people change underwear. By my count, he's had four of each.

I'm curious... how is it that you were best friends with him for 15 years before you married him? Did his other wife (wives) at the time know about your friendship? I can't imagine any of them would have been too happy about it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why don't you divorce him? Sounds like a horrible life.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Show him this post. 

Then, divorce him. 

He may not have always acted like this, but this is who he is now. It'll only get worse before it gets better.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I met my wife and three weeks later we were engaged. Married for 45 years now. I was in upper management running a branch office when I was 21. I bought the first of our 9 houses that year. I was a jock in high school and a decorated combat proven squad leader in Vietnam. I am used to being in charge and getting things done my way. I am very alpha and have fought with two male bosses. I have worked for a woman for the last 27 years which has been great. I have to be the alpha male in any group I am in. I do not play well with other people and work from home with no staff for the last 15 years. 

That is not the main issue in my marriage though. I have an IQ in the genius range while my wife barely made it through a technical high school. I am aware that I have problems with people that do not learn as fast as me or see solutions as quick as I do. The knowledge I take for granted others do not. The problem is that although I never yelled at her or called her stupid, she felt stupid in comparison to me. She actually told me to tell her she is right even when she is wrong. She was crying so hard when she said that. That broke my heart and now I just keep my mouth shut even when she is so obviously wrong. Right now she is mistress of our home and she runs it as she sees fit. I have to be very careful because if she senses that I do not approve, she will ask me what is wrong or automatically assume that my expression is one of disapproval when it is not. I have also learned to be more patient with my employees and always remember not to assume that they will learn as fast as I do or solve problems as quickly. I do have to bite my tongue at times.

So our marriage after 45 years is great. My wife still seems to have a need to point out everything I do or think wrongly. I do not do that to her, but I understand why see does that. I always compliment her and take every opportunity to tell her how smart she is when she does things. I did have to work on myself to make my wife happier but I love her so much that it was worth it.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

memyselfandi said:


> If someone messes with him..he's learned to mess with them worse, as he's so good at head games.


If I had to make a guess, it seems as though your spouse resorts to a pattern of passive aggressive behaviors rather than addressing his problems directly. 

If he asks you to make his favorite tacos, he has likely already determined before you got started cooking them that he will find a fault with them and refuse to eat them as a way to punish you for something completely unrelated.

I was once angry with my wife and she had some fun and exciting plans for the day with her friends. I purposely devised a way to spend quality time with our children in such a way that it turned her plans into a logistical nightmare resulting in her having to cancel all her plans for the day. I enjoyed the fact that her friends got upset with her while I was the good guy just encouraging the kids to have fun. Ultimately this behavior is the result of poor communication and the inability to resolve problems in a constructive way. I have since worked on that and do not do crap like that anymore as it can turn an otherwise happy day into a living hell for a marriage. I now talk about problems with my wife and I see her making an effort so in return I do the same. 

I do not exactly know how to give you advice on what to do to help him with avoiding passive aggressive behavior. I will point out two things you will need to pay very close attention to, and that is "trust" and "communication." Start by doing whatever you can to improve those two things and that may begin to help. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Well...I started reading and thought this is a couple who are stressed, a man who is controlling, etc. By the end I did not think that.

I don't know if your husband really loves you or not. I do think he has a lot of resentment toward you, perhaps wants out of the marriage, and is currently using you for what he can get - meals, antiques, a person to poke his anger at.

You have given a lot of details, and I am guessing they run around in your head constantly trying to make sense of his behavior. What I have learned is when you get into this pattern, someone is messing with you either actively or passively. I think both are going on in your marriage.

I don't think there is any talking to this man right now. I truly think you should stop engaging him in arguments. You are being mentally abused, and engaging in arguments simply gives him more fodder. You are not going to win, and you are not going to convince him on anything. Save your energy. You are going to need it.

Time to start planning: Get your own credit card - today. Get or begin to accumulate cash and stash it someplace safe (with a family member, in your own safety deposit box at the bank - not in the house) Do the same with duplicate keys to your car, all your personal papers (birth certificate, etc) and copies of that status of all bank accounts. Your goal is to separate yourself financially and emotionally enough that you can walk out when and if the time comes (personally, I think it is asap). Meet with a divorce attorney. They can give you a full list of what you need to do. Do NOT tell him your plans. Do NOT engage him in talk of the status of your marriage or in arguments.

I am not saying your marriage is over, but I am saying you have to walk out as if it is. I do not believe there is any talking to a person like this. He has to either figure it out on his own and come back to you - at which point he has to woo you all over again and prove to you he has seen the light - or he will go onto wife #5. My point is, when you leave you have to leave for good and rebuild your life. What he does is up to him.

Good luck!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are being abused. Divorce him and dont look back.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband is an abusive, controlling jerk. Stress is no excuse for the way he treats you.

When I first started reading, I thought this was workable with maybe some counselling and a change of job perhaps. As I kept going I was "whoa". This is far deeper than job stress - that's his excuse but it's not the cause. This is who he is, and it ain't good.

You need an exit plan, stat.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@memyselfandi Four divorces is such a nice, round number, don't you think? 

Dump him and his hell brats.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I feel so bad for you!! This is a horrible way to live. Just reading it gave me anxiety---how do you tolerate that? Can you sleep at night? I'm surprised he doesn't wake you up in the middle of the night to do something for him!

Please go see a lawyer! And even a therapist too. Get a plan going so that you get out of there. You are right, he's a jerk!!


----------



## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Hello memyselandi...I am sorry you are going through this. Sadly, I could have written this myself as it echoes my own experience. 

I'll offer a few comments from where I sit about his behavior towards you.




memyselfandi said:


> I am at my wits end.
> 
> He is very controlling and very OCD. I can't seem to do anything right as he's very critical.


Is he as critical of himself as he is of you? Does he have two sets of rules? One for himself and one for you and the unwritten set of rules infers that you have to meet his standards and be accountable to him, yet he offers no accountability to you? If yes, this is very narcissistic and indicative of a control issue. 



> However, that's no excuse to treat me like dirt most of the time. No matter what I do, I can't seem to live up to his high standards, whether it's keeping a clean house, the decisions I make, etc.


You are correct. There is no excuse and his behavior is unacceptable. He is bullying you. He is not your father, and you are not a child who needs his permission nor is he your boss nor is it his job to oversee your work, micromanage you, or pass judgment. He needs to FIX HIMSELF and stop trying to fix you. I'd suggest you suggest to him that if he doesn't like your housecleaning he can do it himself but this will only incite him. Try not to engage, and leave the room.



> He was never like this before we were married, yet was a bit controlling afterward. It was manageable though and we were able to talk through things.


He wasn't like this before you married him because if you saw this behavior you wouldn't have married him. Once he had you, you became an easy target for him to dump his crap onto because he figures you are not going anywhere. When you were dating did he mirror you so that he seemed to fulfill your every wish and need?



> He promised that he wouldn't become "that guy" again, yet after two years in his current position, he has become a complete jerk.


Are his promises written on the wind? Does he frequently have an excuse to justify his behavior? Does he tell you what you want to hear and then do what he wants? 



> It started out with me making subtle reminders of the promises he had made before he took this promotion, and he'd tone it down; yet now my subtle reminders fall on deaf ears.


So he feels his concerns about you should be addressed but your concerns or requests to him are ignored? Does he think his opinions or needs or wants should supercede yours and do you think he feels superior to you? 



> He's critical and treats me like a child. His children can act out and he does little to correct them; yet when he talks to me, again..it's like he's constantly reprimanding me.


This behavior does not bode well for a happy future together. You say he was an EMT, Army and Police? All authoritarian positions where he exercises control and power over others. My husband also treats me like a child and I'm not sure someone like this can change as in their twisted thinking they feel entitled to belittle you. It's bullying.....would he treat someone of his own gender and size this way? His boss? His friends?



> I've told him that I'm not one of his employees and that I don't deserve to be talked to like he does to me at times. Most of the time I'm stupid with the decisions I make, I don't keep the house clean enough and up to his extremely high standards, etc.


You are correct you don't deserve this. He is disrespecting you and testing you to see how much of his crap you will tolerate.



> He's always scolding me for one thing or another whether it be the laundry detergent I buy, etc. It often turns into a half hour argument over something stupid. He just can't let things go and will dwell on it for weeks. Used to be where he wouldn't talk to me for days until I stopped putting up with that one and just let him stew.


Is he your full time supervisor? This guy has serious issues. If you scolded him would he be receptive to you? Sounds like he can dish it out but cannot take it. I'm not "Lucy" 5 cents the psychiatrist is in, nor do I have any training in psychology but I'd suggest you look up "narcissistic rage." 



> He thrives on my housecleaning skills and no matter how much I clean, he's constantly pointing out the corners I missed. He sweeps the floor and leaves what he sweeps up in a corner just to get under my skin. One day he asked me to make his favorite tacos. After I made them like he enjoyed, he told me that I made them wrong and wouldn't touch them.


NEVER make him tacos again or anything for that matter. He doesn't like your cooking, maybe you should feed him take out or leave him to his own devices. I don't know how old his kids are so this might be difficult. I try to let someone deal with the consequences of their own behavior, not protect them from it. Don't like my cooking?....I stop cooking since it's not appreciated. Don't like my cleaning? Hand him the mop and ask him how it should be done and then leave the room and let him do it. I told my husband that he is going to be exhausted doing everything himself since whatever I do doesn't meet his impossible standards.



> He swears profusely to the point that it often brings me to tears.


 When you are upset does he show any compassion for you at all?


> He tears me down for my own money that I spend to get my hair done, yet he spends like a fiend on needless things.


Two codes of conduct. You must follow the rules but the rules do not apply to him? How can you be an equal when he treats you as lesser than and feels entitled to greater privileges than you have?


> We have Amazon Prime and use it as a family. Of course his purchases show up as well as mine do, so one day I made the mistake of questioning him on a large purchase he made. From the start of our marriage, we've always said that we'd have no secrets regarding anything and if we made purchases over $100.00, we'd discuss it.


You didn't make a mistake questioning him. He questions or judges your purchases but you cannot even ask about his? If you are altering your behavior because you fear his reaction then you are walking on eggshells and he is training you to accept being controlled by him.



> I guess that promise is not longer intact as he's now blocked me from Amazon; telling me that I have no right to ask him what he spends his money on.


Right so it's not a mutually agreed upon decision now, he's pulling rank by enforcing his rules upon you. Have you tried to talk to him about his condescending and dismissive behavior or is that a futile option? He is verbally and emotionally abusing you. 



> Of course he had to tell me how STUPID I was to believe that.."Women believe anything..you're all stupid.."


Your H is an impossible spoiled brat. And he now admits to being a misogynist. Oh I see you are beneath him! Don't waste years of your life with someone like this hoping he will change or become the person you thought he was before you married him. That person was acting; this person is who he is.

memyselfandi......I second what Nicky T says below. This person doesn't appear to love you and if he says he does then his words don't match his behavior. His focusing on your shortcomings (not that they are IMO) means he doesn't have to EXAMINE his own behavior. He is taking out his anger and resentment on you. 
Please look after yourself.....call a friend, relative, hotline or local shelter if you feel overwhelmed or confused. His behavior will take a toll on your health. Getting a job if possible will make you less dependent. The fact that you say he scares the crap out of you is significant and you should never let down your guard with this person. Someone who feels entitled to disparage and disrespect you and who is vindictive and doesn't like to lose is potentially dangerous and you must exercise extreme caution especially if/when you try to leave him. I do not think he sees you as a person with rights but as a possession for him to abuse as he sees fit.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd be forced to say that it's well beyond time to get yourself out of that hellhole post haste, at least for your own peace of mind, and to let him start looking for "No. 5!"

No spouse ever deserves treatment like that!*


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

memyselfandi said:


> I'm his 4th marriage. I can understand why the others ran like hell...


So can I. Smart ladies.

Don't be the exception.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So can I. Smart ladies.
> 
> Don't be the exception.


I waited until you posted. When you fire your guns they clear a wide swath.

Then. Then I could aim at the edges...completely clear the field.

You must be tired. No rolling cannons, just a pffft!
....................................................................................................................

This man uses women as one does hired help. He pushes them to the Max Headroom, gets the best [and the best years] out of them and then lets them
self-destruct. Lets them go whimpering and crying off into a dark corner....out of his life.

He is the sort of man that would ride a horse...kicking it's sides [relentlessly] with his spurs...riding it to death, . He would then calmly remove his saddle and blanket and put it on a new horse.....not giving a thought about the last horse. Leaving the carcass for the flies. 

To call this man a Jerk is too kind. He is a user.
..................................................................................................................

He was in the Military, was a Policeman?

He did not learn anything about firearms. Old weapons were engineered to use old ammo. Normally, ammunition that has less kick to it.
AND, I doubt if he cleaned that rifle properly before firing it. Just because a round will fit in the chamber does not mean that it will work properly and safely.

He did not do his homework with that rifle. He did not do his homework in his four marriages. He is a sloppy gun owner, a sloppy husband, a sloppy man.

Jerk off? Can he even do THAT properly?

Dump him!


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your posts and advice.

Today was no better as yesterday he hung up on me due to the fact that he was again, all over me to clean out our overloaded garage and put mattresses in the dumpster paid for regarding tearing off the roof and replacing it on the garage. Said that they were prime for rodents and that we should get rid of them. I agreed on that one. I also pointed out that the backpacks he had full of spices that he brought from his previous home were prime to that too and were garbage. That's when he hung up. 

I don't understand why he can dish it out but can't take it, yet I was kind when I called him back. He answered, "WHAT!!?" and I just changed the subject.

As we bought my parents home, everything seemed to be fine until my dad passed away a few weeks ago. Since then he has been nothing but nasty, threatening to leave me, etc. It's been either one thing or another constantly and I've finally talked to him nicely and told him that if he wants to leave that badly, he should just be forthcoming about it.

Nope..he said that he loves me. 

I'm tired of his stupid boyish games and am really ready to let go. One can only stand it for so long.

Today he got angry because the mattresses weren't in the dumpster yet. He's on the road with his job and has no idea how full the dumpster actually is. He's asked the neighbor to help me out a bit with the heavy objects and much of them have already been thrown in..filling it up quite a bit. Last weekend I threw in a bunch more and more will be thrown in by the end of this weekend with 3 large pieces of furniture. By that time it will be pretty much full.

I made the mistake of telling him that I'd somehow fit the mattresses in, yet last night while trying, the bottom fell out of a box I was trying to move in order to get them out. He blew a gasket and told me I'd made it all up and hadn't even been making the least amount of effort. Told me how lazy I was..that he was sick of it..and was done. Told me to either get my crap out of the house or he'd be coming to get his stuff out as he was done. In addition, he was taking my dog and would come and get her when I least expected him. 

Being that we're married, she's marital property. Even if she wasn't, he could take her and I'd have to get an atty to get her back, which he knows I can't afford.

This all over junk in the garage that I'm making an effort to get rid of!?? How insane is THAT!??

He can be completely nice for a week or so, and then turn on me just like that. I've made soo much effort to clean up the garage several times as I like things organized, only to find them a complete mess when I go out there. He never accepts any responsibility for moving my things all over the place and I often think he does it on purpose.

Of course he does and then puts the blame on me for being a pack rat and a slob. Criticism is his middle name, yet he can't take any mild suggestions from me.

Whether it's my housekeeping skills, cooking skills, etc., I'm a horrible person. He's perfect and never ever wrong.

These things, in addition to all the rest mentioned are just a few of his mind games. He knows just how to get into my head and is proud of the fact.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

To Happy as a Clam: My husband and I were friends for 15 years, had gotten to know each other after his two previous marriages, and only remained in touch when he was divorced from his third marriage. 

His last wife and I were friends before I knew him. We're friends to this day and still get along well. Even though she knows the drill and how he can be..not once had she said anything to me about it, not complained about him in any way. That was in the past and she's happy he married me as she knew she's able to trust me completely with her children.

That says something. Yet my husband has to be #1 and although he loves and appreciates the fact that I spend time with his children and spoil them without spoiling them rotten..I'm good to them. My hubby went so far the last time I took his daughter shopping as to send me a text beforehand, "Now remember, today is all about her..just so you don't cut her off on spending and then start shopping for yourself...", like it was some sort of lecture to a child...and like I was selfish enough to do that anyway. 

I'm sure he didn't send a message to his daughter saying, "Don't get angry if she cuts you off..we have a limit for you and you need to respect that. Once the money allowed you is gone, you can continue shopping, but if your stepmom wants something for herself, you need to respect that, as you've already spent what we allowed for you..." 

Yeah right.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm struggling to find what is good about your marriage, if anything.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Sun C Mars: You brought up a very good point.

I can't remember if this comment was made before or after we were married but, he told me about a time he had to take his daughter to the ER. There was a man there that was crying profusely over the loss of his wife. My husband said, "I didn't really understand why this man was making such a big deal over losing his wife..I mean, the guy can always find another wife; it's not like it was his child or anything..." 

My thoughts at that time were, "WOW..the poor man probably just lost the love of his life and my husband says that!?? How unempathetic!!"

I think it was after we were married, as it sort of stuck. What was I to him..wife number 4!?? I remember bringing it up to him once and he told me he had been kidding. Somehow I didn't buy that even though he'd told me I was the love of his life. Made me wonder how many others he'd told that to? Maybe all of them..and maybe none of them as he'd wanted to marry me since he met me, according to friends. When he finally won me over he treated me like gold. After we were married, he said he didn't have to do those things anymore..and all guys are like that in order to get a girl to marry them. 

I hardly believe THAT one!! Sure, he loved me, but it was now something I should assume!?? 

Phht!!


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

memyselfandi said:


> I can't remember if this comment was made before or after we were married but, he told me about a time he had to take his daughter to the ER. There was a man there that was crying profusely over the loss of his wife. My husband said, "I didn't really understand why this man was making such a big deal over losing his wife..I mean, the guy can always find another wife; it's not like it was his child or anything..."


Wow. Just wow. How very, very telling. A red flag of the biggest, brightest possible order. Egad. 

From your perspective, the lack of empathy should be secondary to his vision of the importance of a wife. Lets you know about where you stand with him. 

Combine that with the lying and cheating and the consequences and you see salvagability here how?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't entirely get this thread. 

The next time he starts in one of his rants about how he can't stand it and he's gonna pack his ****, just take him up on the deal, pack his **** for him and leave it on the lawn or in a nice rental unit, and change the locks. 

In other words, call him on it!

I can honestly say, I would never, in a MILLION YEARS stand for this kind of treatment. See that smoke? Yeah that's me peeling away and driving off!


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

At this point, he's not even talking to me and has since changed the password on our bank account. Instead of being proud of me for getting rid of sooo many things all by myself; he gives me the silent treatment and does anything he can to get under my skin.

His childish behavior does nothing but give me anxiety attacks which he couldn't care less about. He's upset because he wanted the garage completely cleaned out..and it's not. It was a completely impossibile project to get everything in even with the biggest dumpster available. Had he been here to see it, he would have realized that, yet instead; blames it on my complete laziness.

After all; all I do is lay in bed all day on my weekends off instead of busting my rear to make him happy.

The neighbors came over tonight and took a bunch of stuff including the dryer. Tossed the big snowblower in the dumpster also. He should be happy with all that, but he won't say so. He'd rather just pick on me until the garage is completely empty. After that he'll start on something else.

Why he can't be more positive is beyond me.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why you accept his bullying and shaming and bend over forwards and backwards is beyond ME, hun. 

Seriously, why do you allow it and bust your hump even harder for a man who will never be satisfied with anything you do?

I'd have been done with that ages ago. Life is just too short and precious to waste on an ungrateful, spiteful spouse.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he's a jerk and -- since he's not changing -- you know where that unfortunately leaves you. 

What's your plan?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You KNOW he is an ass, so stop letting his bullcrap bother you, let it roll right off your back. You either need to ignore him, or tell him to go **** himself. Whats he gonna do?? NOTHING, thats exactly what. Sure he will stomp around and have a tantrum, but so what? You are married to the ultimate narcissist and a bully. All this crap about cleaning the garage... that isnt important to him, what is important to him is having control over you and everything you do, and you keep going along with it and letting him. STOP that NOW!

You are being abused, and you need to get out. Check out this article, I think gray rock may help you. 

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/how-i-became-a-gray-rock-to-escape-an-abusive-relationship/


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So...you're not looking for advice or encouragement to leave this flaming ass-hole.

You're just here to vent.

You should put that in your subject line so everyone knows you're not looking for advice.

I say this because you haven't really acknowledged the multitude of posts asking why you subject yourself to this abuse or why you haven't left him. You cherry-pick one or two posts to personally reply to which *don't *require you to actually address what everyone else is asking.

So, I'll assume there must be some kind of *payoff* for you in choosing to stay with your abuser.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I appreciate the multitude of posts in respect to this jerk. Why he does this to me is exactly how you've all explained it.

To maintain control.

And yes, "She'sStillGotIT", I AM looking for advice as I have nobody else to talk to about this. It frightens me to pieces what might happen if my husband found out that I'd been looking for answers regarding his poor behavior, as he would certainly retaliate. He'll stop at nothing just to prove he's right.

The last few days he hasn't spoken to me nor answered any of my text messages especially the one regarding our checking account password. They all fell on deaf ears. I finally stopped texting him and gave him the silent treatment. 

I had taken a day off from work in order to get my dad's estate things in order and he sent me a text that said, "So you didn't go into work today.." again, as though he was talking to a child. He doesn't even reprimand his own children when they don't go to school, yet I get the "bully" factor for taking a day off from work.

He knew this because he had been keeping an eye on my cell phone and the numbers I dialed. Because it was during working hours, he knew I wasn't at work. He was also checking the numbers I was calling to see who they were.

I called him and asked what the heck he was doing, checking on the numbers I was calling and he told me that he was just curious..along with, "So when are you moving out of the house?" My reply was never..and if he felt that our marriage was a thorn in his side..maybe it should be him that moved his things out.

I mentioned that he had promised that if we ever ran into a situation where we were splitting up; he'd never take the house nor my dog. What was mine before the marriage would be mine afterwords.

Of course his caustic temper got the best of him and he told me that he'd have someone over soon, not only to get his things, but still to get MY dog, and I could fight to get her back in court. He knows I don't have the money for that. As I foster, he threatened to call animal control if I didn't let him take her and the rest of the dogs would end up at the Humane Society. Said he'd do whatever he could do get her.

I asked him why he was acting this way and he told me it was because it was the only way to get me to do things. Said he didn't like pushing me and threatening me..but that was the only way he was going to get me to do anything.

I told him that it was an awfully cruel and disruptive way of doing things.

I'd talked to my counselor earlier in the day and asked him how to deal with someone like my husband. He told me that I could probably get some good advice from a domestic abuse counselor and gave me the number for one of their hotlines. I spoke to a very good counselor as I wanted to know how to deal with this man without provoking him. Was it my fault he was acting like this and what could I do to change myself to stop the cycle. I also asked her if it may be MY fault as there are days I just won't budge anymore. Because of what he does and says with no filter..EVERYTHING makes me angry to the point that whatever he wants to do, I find myself not wanting to. I'm so angry inside at him that even if I like something he likes, I won't like it. Why should I when living when such a negative man? 

She told me to become what is called a "Grey Rock" (thanks for the article 3Xnocharm), as I read it. Her feelings were that if I became that and didn't respond to his bullying..he'd eventually stop as he was getting no reaction from me. Once the cycle stops, we may be able to communicate more and save our marriage.

She told me that when he begins acting this way; whether it's when he hangs up or otherwise; to give him no reaction...even if I needed to go to a different room, I should separate myself from it. She told me to not respond to any of his bullying behavior and to just give him the silent treatment; letting it all fall on deaf ears.

She also brought up the fact that he may have something called, "Asperger's Syndrome"; a disorder where a person has no empathy and can act out in severe ways at times. I didn't really understand what that had to do with the way he's acting. She told me to do some research, yet at the same time, to stick to my guns and not react when he over reacts.

When talking to him that day, he said, "So you called the Domestic Violence Hotline!??" Have fun with the counselors there as they are totally against men. I'm done with you. My reply was, "I called for some advice on how to deal with your bullying. I myself need to either change how I deal with that..because to be honest, our marriage is really in trouble. I can't handle your lack of respect for me, nor again, your constant bullying every time you want your way. Checking on who I'm calling is just out of the question...and I'm not putting up with it anymore!!"

I continued that marriage is a two way street and I might be at fault also for being so angry with him all the time. I told him that much of the anger IS from his constant bullying; his lack of compliments; and the fact that I felt like he just wanted to control me in anyway he could. He wouldn't allow me to feel anything (as feeling are stupid), his lack of empathy, etc. I told him that he didn't dare say a bad word about my family as that was below the belt; in addition going after the one things that I love the most, my animals. As I have no children of my own..they are like family to me and how would he like it if I treated my stepchildren like he treats my pets!??

I basically blew up and felt good doing it.

He got quiet for a bit because I think he knew I meant business when I called them. 

Since then he's been quite a bit nicer. He knows I meant business. I think he knows now that I'll do what I need to do in order to seek counseling regarding his bullying. I told him that I need to do something in order to deal with the way he treats me..and I think that scared him a bit; that counseling might make me stronger and I'd get to the point of just leaving if he doesn't knock it off.

I appreciate everyone's advice on this post. Even if I didn't reply to all of them, I've taken all of your advice as they all hit home. Your advice is always welcome and again..thank you.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You did AWESOME! Good for you! 

I disagree with your counselor on one thing... I dont think there is any saving the marriage. Because people like your H dont change, not for long term at least. And dont let him scare you into staying, either. I am glad she gave you some guidelines on how to deal with him, hopefully those empower you and make a difference. 

I would suggest that you get yourself a new phone on a seperate plan so that he cannot track who you call. That is SO out of line and controlling, its borderline insane. If you had a history of infidelity or something, then I could understand that, but I am not getting that from what you have written here.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Felt good to finally let it out, I bet. 

I, too, disagree with your counselor. Don't gray rock. Get a divorce.

Buy a cheap burner phone TODAY and get to a lawyer immediately. 

Your H is extremely dangerous.

This is urgent. Get to a lawyer and go back to the domestic violence center and tell them you want a safe exit plan. NOW. Thats what i had to do. I'm now free from my abuser. You can be, too.

Do you have anyone to take your dog for awhile?

ETA: everything your H says is straight from the abuser's handbook. Next it'll be, "look what you made me do" after he punched you in the arm.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Felt good to finally let it out, I bet.
> 
> I, too, disagree with your counselor. Don't gray rock. Get a divorce.
> 
> ...


This. This is not a joke. This guy is the real deal. It will escalate to this eventually. Or soon. There is no way to know.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Thank you 3Xnocharm.

I have a very long fuse, but when I found that he was checking who I was calling..that's when I'd had enough.

This morning again, he texted me, "So I guess you're not going to call me again this morning.."

I was getting showered and dressed for work. Why he needs to put things the way he does is only pushing me away from him.

I called him on my way to work and told him how his audacity is uncalled for. I'm doing nothing wrong; in addition to him checking every phone call I make and that if I had to get my own phone, I'd do it. I have absolutely NO secrets, but if he was going to make me feel like I was sneaking around all the time, maybe getting my own phone would be our best bet. 

I continued that I've never had any secrets from hm..never had and never will and was tired of living the life of the lier he accused me of being. He made up some excuse of being worried about me which I didn't buy. The bottom line was that I told him he always loved my independence, yet now he's checking my phone logs!?? I told him I wasn't gong to live like that.

Of course he's never wrong and wondered why yesterday, when I had a major panic attack at 3 am..I texted a friend rather than texting him. Why text him when he often doesn't answer and then when I ask him why he didn't reply he tells me, "I was sleeping.." I tried to call him and he kicked it to voice mail..another indication that he didn't care to hear from me. I've asked him many times why he doesn't pick up and he tells me, "I was sleeping.."

This coming from a man that is up at all hours of the morning. He sleeps a few and then is up for hours surfing Reddit. Total insomniac, yet I ask him to call me if he's up and he completely ignores it.

After my panic attack, I called into work and told them I wouldn't be in as I was going to take some meds to calm down. They usually knock me out which is a good thing, but my husband texted me the next morning after I'd tried to get in touch with him the night before and said, "I guess you're not going to call me this morning.." and then, "In addition, looks like you're not going into work today..don't even talk to me!!"

Nice!!

I've had my fill of his crap and it's difficult to talk to him anymore. I share little as I always feel like he's checking up on me. Even on a Friday when I should be looking forward to a three day weekend, I felt nothing but sad. Our conversations are short as I really don't have anything to say to him anymore.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> This. This is not a joke. This guy is the real deal. It will escalate to this eventually. Or soon. There is no way to know.


He certainly is the real deal; as it continues to escalate. Every day seems to be worse than the day before, as he become more and more thin skinned. I can't even joke around with him anymore without him hanging up on me, which helps our relationship little. 

Today he told me he was going to have a realtor come over to our house on Tuesday to put it on the market..simply because he was cutting down my friends, and I disagreed with him. My comeback was, "Well you're friends aren't always the greatest either.." Of course he hung up again, which I'm getting fairly used to. He texted me and told me that his friends aren't idiotic C word like mine are..and that he doesn't HAVE any friends.

Imagine that.

He goes back and forth all the time. One minute he's angry with me and hanging up; and the next he's asking why I'm not calling him.

To put it plainly, he has no idea how he's killing my feelings for him day by day. Who wants to be with someone like that!??


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

memyselfandi said:


> To put it plainly, he has no idea how he's killing my feelings for him day by day. Who wants to be with someone like that!??


Well, you are still with him. WHY????


----------



## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

memyselfandi said:


> I am at my wits end.
> 
> My husband and I will be married for 5 years tomorrow. At this point, I have no idea where our marriage is going.
> 
> ...


Wow. I wish you were my woman just so I could treat you like the queen you are. This guy is messing up.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

memyselfandi said:


> He certainly is the real deal; as it continues to escalate. Every day seems to be worse than the day before, as he become more and more thin skinned. I can't even joke around with him anymore without him hanging up on me, which helps our relationship little.
> 
> Today he told me he was going to have a realtor come over to our house on Tuesday to put it on the market..simply because he was cutting down my friends,


Do you know the pattern that abuse takes? This is on the path. Disconnect you from any possible support.



> and I disagreed with him. My comeback was, "Well you're friends aren't always the greatest either.." Of course he hung up again, which I'm getting fairly used to. He texted me and told me that his friends aren't idiotic C word like mine are..and that he doesn't HAVE any friends.
> 
> Imagine that.
> 
> ...



Hopefully YOU know how he is behaving. HE is unimportant in this equation except as a threat to you. One you should run from as fast as you can.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

First of all..thanks for all your advice..much of it hit home!!

I no longer put up with his childish behavior. Although still married, I've learned how to argue a very long time ago in my first marriage and have learned to bring it into my next with my own independent counseling.

He uses the word "f**" often as in, "I just "f** called you after you said you were home..now you're not answering". My being home doesn't mean that I don't have anything else to do while I wait for his call..

Most of the time I just kindly tell him that "f*"" isn't in my vocabulary..as it isn't. If there's one word I can't stand..it's that one.

There are many things we need to get past in our marriage, including all the things I've mentioned in this post...

He wants his kids..and obviously ONLY his kids to be of the most ultimate of importance to me since if I mention my love for my niece, nephews and great grand nephew and niece (who I love to the moon and back again), I have never heard a word of excitement out of him regarding them. They are my world but I think he wants everything to be about HIS kids.

Lets back up a bit when we first got married and he, his kids and I were supposed to be a family. Can't remember what exactly it was, but he told me that he married me to be his son's and daughter's FRIEND..they already had a Mom...so how dare I tell him how to ever raise his children...

While Disney Daddy spoils them rotten...I just keep my mouth shut. Unless it comes to the time that he tells me that his daughter would love to spend time with me as she love me to pieces. Okaaay...let's go shopping.

Money runs out so she texts Daddy about her additional wants and needs and gets them..

My final discussion on this one was that..at the age of 16, I just give her the money. She can buy whatever she wants and when the money is gone..it's gone.

Of course IMO, it takes a bunch out of the shopping experience between my stepdaughter and I, yet we still have bunches of fun together when not spending money..

Once the monies gone though..she either texts or calls "Disney Daddy"..and he coughs up some more!!

I finally told him that I won't be "played against the middle" anymore when I tell her she's out of the money her dad and I could afford. While we ended up going to this rock t-shirt store with a sale going on, "Buy two..get the second one for free"..we ended up spending over $75 dollars on THREE t-shirts!!

Just cos Disney Daddy said so..

I know it's always a game for him..if I take her shopping and make her happy..he's gotta do better.

Bottom line, this man is so spoiled it's beyond belief. I've learned that I can't fix him and if the ass could only fix himself..we'd be living nicely.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh but you DO put up with his childish behavior, because you areSTILL there! Yeah that'll show him. You must like living this way. I'm guessing he must make a lot of money...


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What's your plan?


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If you are just here to vent without making any significant changes, people will stop trying to help you. You have been given all the advice you need already. That is go see a divorce attorney and get the ball rolling on ending this horrible marriage with this despicable child. He's a user, and an abuser. You are going to get yourself physically hurt before long with your inaction. You don't need baby steps right now and small victories in the way you argue or address him. You need to get the hell out of there asap before he does something crazy and puts his hands on you.


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Read the OP and skipped right to the end. GET OUT! You can never change him and you will never be happy in that marriage. Even if you do make bad tacos (just kidding  ) he shouldn't treat you like that. Why did he marry you if you're so terrible? This is who he is. If you leave him you can be at peace with yourself and maybe find a respectful partner. And if single he can take the promotions and be very successful in his career, which men like him thrive in. You both win.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

memyselfandi said:


> That says something. Yet my husband has to be #1 and although he loves and appreciates the fact that I spend time with his children and spoil them without spoiling them rotten..I'm good to them. My hubby went so far the last time I took his daughter shopping as to send me a text beforehand, *"Now remember, today is all about her..just so you don't cut her off on spending and then start shopping for yourself...", like it was some sort of lecture to a child...and like I was selfish enough to do that anyway. *
> 
> I'm sure he didn't send a message to his daughter saying, "Don't get angry if she cuts you off..we have a limit for you and you need to respect that. Once the money allowed you is gone, you can continue shopping, but if your stepmom wants something for herself, you need to respect that, as you've already spent what we allowed for you..."
> 
> Yeah right.


Are you kidding me? When I am out shopping I will buy whatever the hell I want (within reason). You are his wife, not a child!

When I am out shopping I will shop for whoever I want. If I see something for myself I like, or one of the other kids, or my husband I will buy it.

I am a big clearance shopper and know how to keep a tight budget when I have to be, but to tell someone they can't buy anything? WOW.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wow, the life that you guys are living sounds awful and frustrating for you. Here's what I would do:

1. go through the house, box up and then store away all the things that mean something to you that your Dad left to you. Locate that gun and put it in the box. Can you store them at a trusted family member's house or with a friend?

2. Stop spoiling his daughter, and his children in general. If they do nothing but cut you down, they aren't worth the time of day.

3. Since he's so particular about how things need to be done around the house, he can do them. If he wants his tacos, he can make them the way he likes them. If he needs the floors swept a certain way, tell him that he's welcome to do that chore. Back down and stop doing things for him. If he says that you can't do things right anyways, there's no point in continuing to make the effort only to be cut down.

4. Get yourself into individualized counselling. When I was married and unhappy, that was the best thing I ever did. It confirmed that I wasn't in fact, crazy. 

5. There's a book that helped me greatly when my husband and I were going through troubles. It's called: "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirchenbaum. You can find a free copy online at: ?????: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
I seriously cannot tell you how much this book helped me. I worked through all of the diagnostic questions, and kept a Word file for the questions and my answers. It was beyond eye-opening. By the time I got to the end of the book, my future road was crystal clear.

6. If he cuts you down on social media, remove him from your social media, remove his kids too.

7. If he's contacted an ex girlfriend about going out to dinner, then he's probably cheating, or at least thinking about cheating. 

8. Talk to a lawyer to see how you can protect yourself and your finances. Do you have joint accounts? Do you have separate accounts that maybe he has access to? Terminate his access. Look into how to protect yourself if you share credit cards too. Cut him off of what you can and secure your assets. 

9. You're his FOURTH marriage?!!? I think there's a reason he's been married so many times! He pretends to be a good guy, then does a 180 after a few years, leaving a trail of devastation. Have you ever spoken to any of his ex wives to compare stories?

More things that I would do is just be careful. If he scares the crap out of you, that's not a good situation at all, and one that you probably need to remove yourself from. Live life quietly, but observe everything. Don't let him get under your skin (easier said than done). If you plan on leaving, doing so quietly will probably be a better choice, especially with someone volatile.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

From your latest post, it is obvious to me that the advice did not hit home. You are still in an abusive marriage. You don't address the glaring issue, which is WHY DO YOU STAY? You certainly haven't detached from him if you keep arguing/venting/however-else-you-react-to-him. But I get it. There are people who post here just to vent and make no real moves to extricate themselves from their miserable relationships. I assume, for the present time, you are one of those.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is why I would never be with a man who has already had 3 divorces. Its screams massive red flags from the start. The number of 4th marriages that work out must be minute.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

memyselfandi said:


> At this point, he's not even talking to me *and has since changed the password on our bank account*. Instead of being proud of me for getting rid of sooo many things all by myself; he gives me the silent treatment and does anything he can to get under my skin.
> 
> His childish behavior does nothing but give me anxiety attacks which he couldn't care less about. *He's upset because he wanted the garage completely cleaned out..and it's not.* It was a completely impossibile project to get everything in even with the biggest dumpster available. Had he been here to see it, he would have realized that, yet instead; blames it on my complete laziness.
> 
> ...


What can you do to protect some of your finances? IF the account that he changed the password on is a joint account, he has ZERO right to do that. Those are your finances too. 

Also, if he wants the garage completely cleaned out, do that, and do it now. Get rid of everything except the walls. And by the way, that also includes the spice-filled backpacks that he got mad and hung up on you over.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sadly, I got through this entire thread (it's a slow day at work), and cannot for the life of me understand why the OP is still with this guy. He must be loaded with money, have a big <ahem> joystick, or the OP just thrives on drama. My God, my anxiety levels rose just reading the thread.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some people don't actually want to change their situations.

They want others to cheer the hero's ( which is them for all their sacrifice and what they go through)
And boo the villains ( which is the person they are complaining about) 

So the applicable response is - 


WOW! You are so strong and so brave to be able to put up with that! You are so nice and good, you must be a really special person to be treated like that and still come back and do all that you do for everyone. You must be commended for dealing with everything so well in spite of they way they treat you.

And he is such a jerk to treat you the way he does. He doesn't realize how lucky he is to have someone like you. Some day he is going to feel like a real schmuck for treating someone as good and special as you the way he does. He really needs to get over himself and treat you better and treat you with the respect you deserve. I hope some day he learns his lesson about treating people badly.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Some people don't actually want to change their situations.
> 
> They want others to cheer the hero's ( which is them for all their sacrifice and what they go through)
> And boo the villains ( which is the person they are complaining about)
> ...


lol

Very true. When I was done with my ex I was DONE. My best friend barely started to hear about some of the problems just 3 weeks prior. The rest of my family found out when I left.

I never wanted to be the person to go run her spouse down and ask for advice, then never take anyone up on it.

I knew what I had to do and did it. Just wish I would of done it years before.


----------



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> Some people don't actually want to change their situations.
> They want others to cheer the hero's ( which is them for all their sacrifice and what they go through)
> And boo the villains ( which is the person they are complaining about.


I don’t think this is why OP posted. Living in an abusive marriage can alter the way you think and brainwashes you into thinking their way and agreeing to everything they want and that you have the problem not them.

It makes you mistrust your judgement and decision making skills. Posting here was validation to the fact that she isn’t losing her mind...this is really happening and it’s not her fault.

Most abused women try to leave or leave temporarily 7 times before they actually get out for good.

Leaving this type of marriage is scary and dangerous .....abusive spouses are not mentally stable and leaving can provoke them into escalating their abuse.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

cma62 said:


> I don’t think this is why OP posted. Living in an abusive marriage can alter the way you think and brainwashes you into thinking their way and agreeing to everything they want and that you have the problem not them.
> 
> It makes you mistrust your judgement and decision making skills. Posting here was validation to the fact that she isn’t losing her mind...this is really happening and it’s not her fault.
> 
> ...



So in other words they want people to cheer the hero's (them) and boo the villains (their spouse)


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

But I get what you are saying.

People have been telling her she is in an abusive situation and people have been telling her she should consult legal assistance and obtain assistance from domestic abuse agencies.

People have been giving her real world nuts and bolts advice on how to exit her situation.

But when she comes back almost 5 months later and all she does is b1+ch about his continuing bad behavior, all she is doing is wanting to be cheered and to have us boo him.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cma62 said:


> Leaving this type of marriage is scary and dangerous .....abusive spouses are not mentally stable and leaving can provoke them into escalating their abuse.


It's even more scary and dangerous to stay with an abuser, particularly if the abuse escalates. My first husband was terribly abusive. When he came home with an UNREGISTERED hand gun and put it in his office, I knew it was time for me to get the heck out. He almost killed me the night I left. But I left. I got a restraining order.

And as far as him "escalating" beyond that ... he almost crapped himself when three police cruisers pulled up in our driveway to escort him out of the home. Last time he ever laid a finger on me. Sorry, but there is a time to stand up to it and leave. The OP is here to vent and complain. She certainly doesn't sound all that afraid about her situation to me. JMO. Seriously.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Tell him a-hole, now I see why your last 3 wives couldn't stand you. Guess what and we're having a nasty divorce and I am going through all your assets if you give me any crap.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Some people don't actually want to change their situations.
> 
> They want others to cheer the hero's ( which is them for all their sacrifice and what they go through)
> And boo the villains ( which is the person they are complaining about)
> ...


I have no idea why anyone would stay with an abuser, especially if they have children who are being messed up, so I am definitely not going to give any congratulations to anyone who stays.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Oh memyselfandi, you are putting up with the childish behavior. You started this thread months ago and very little has changed. You got good advice about the grey rock technique and then immediately chose to keep engaging in the drama instead of shutting it down. You desperately need to see a counselor who specializes in codepency. 

You are twisting yourself into knots trying to change a man who has zero respect for you, very little love for you, and who has always been this terrible through 3 other failed marriages. Those women were smart to get out. Your friend never told you how bad it was because she was glad that you were her replacement and didn't want to take the chance on him finding a piece of crap like himself. She let you take the fall so that he wouldn't bother her instead. You are BLIND, memyselfandi! Wake up!

A healthy person does not stay with an abuser. When start with the emotional abuse and controlling behavior, they don't turn into a complete puddle and wallow. They hand their spouse a divorce attorney's card and a thetapist's card and tell them to pick. Your husband hit the jackpot by finding someone as weak willed and codependent as you are. He failed 3 times before he found the perfect victim. He just keeps abusing you and you keep coming back for more no matter how many times it's pointed out to you that this will continue until you divorce. 

Saying you no longer put up with it while not separating yourself from him is a lie you tell to feel better. It's a comfort to yourself that maybe one day you will leave him. But if he shoes even the tiniest bit of change, you lie to yourself some more that this time it will be different when really he's just sinking his claws into you a little bit deeper. You need serious help because you are deluding yourself into choosing this misery. 

Perhaps you think you deserve it and don't deserve the basic love and respect offered by most of the rest of the male population. Perhaps your parents modeled something like this to you and it's all you know. Perhaps you feel like you can't do any better since this is your first marriage. Perhaps you're afraid of being alone despite you having not had that fear in the past when you lived independently. Whatever the reason, you are now broken and continue to get worse every day you remain in his presence. 

Here is a list of books about people with the same issues as you:

"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft 

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood 

I realize that this post and harsh and so are many of the others here. It's because right now your biggest enemy is not just your jerk husband. It's yourself and we can't just sit by and watch you bang your head against this wall over and over again. Only you can make this pain stop.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Some day he is going to feel like a real schmuck for treating someone as good and special as you the way he does.


He won't. He already knows she's replaceable. He said so when he saw that other man crying for his deceased wife. He's not even going to mourn OP if she dies. Any profession of love from him is just another thing he has to do to keep OP under his thumb. That is a sad truth that OP needs to realize. He doesn't give a crap about her. He just doesn't want to go through divorce #4 if he can help it. 

The only thing he learned from 3 failed marriages is how to pick better victims. Hell, wife #3 kept his dirty little secrets for him and allowed OP to walk right into that trap! Maybe if OP asked wife #1 and #2, she would have gotten some honesty. Wife #5 is going to be so broken and lifeless that OP's husband is going to be questioning how he dealt with OP's minor rebellion for so long. 

This is how people like him operate and how he has been for decades. He's not going to change now especially when he can just find a better victim instead of changing himself. He has zero reason or motivation to change at this point. OP is wasting her time with him and I completely agree with you about how at this point she's mostly just looking for cheers and boos without any substance. Well, too bad because the both of us and many other posters are full of it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nekonamida said:


> He won't. He already knows she's replaceable. He said so when he saw that other man crying for his deceased wife. He's not even going to mourn OP if she dies. Any profession of love from him is just another thing he has to do to keep OP under his thumb. That is a sad truth that OP needs to realize. He doesn't give a crap about her. He just doesn't want to go through divorce #4 if he can help it.
> 
> The only thing he learned from 3 failed marriages is how to pick better victims. Hell, wife #3 kept his dirty little secrets for him and allowed OP to walk right into that trap! Maybe if OP asked wife #1 and #2, she would have gotten some honesty. Wife #5 is going to be so broken and lifeless that OP's husband is going to be questioning how he dealt with OP's minor rebellion for so long.
> 
> This is how people like him operate and how he has been for decades. He's not going to change now especially when he can just find a better victim instead of changing himself. He has zero reason or motivation to change at this point. OP is wasting her time with him and I completely agree with you about how at this point she's mostly just looking for cheers and boos without any substance. Well, too bad because the both of us and many other posters are full of it.



We are all well aware of this. 

My post was not addressing reality, I was telling the OP what she wanted to hear.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I have no idea why anyone would stay with an abuser, especially if they have children who are being messed up, so I am definitely not going to give any congratulations to anyone who stays.


As I stated immediately above, I was telling the OP what she wanted to hear - not actual advice.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I think it's interesting that the OP and countless others in this kind of a situation actually think they are "making progress" by new strategies in engaging an abuser. It's similar to picking a turd up by the "clean end" and thinking things are better. 

Real improvement in many of these situations is just simply ditching the abuser without all the drama and interaction beforehand. All you really need to do is first identify the person as an abuser and then the appropriate response is already a given. No need to get embroiled in the ritualistic dance of the abuser vs. victim. 

Seems to be easier said than done.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Zombie thread. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Zombie thread.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OP just updated about a week or so ago...


----------

