# Another Sex "dissagreement"



## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

So Saturday night we went out to a nice dinner, shopped for clothes then back home for some wine and TV. Kids even behaved while we were out. It was getting late (she had already fallen asleep on the couch), when we went upstairs to bed.

As we lay there cuddling I begin to make a move and start kissing her. Almost right away she says "are you sure you want to do this?". This statement immediately sent things into shutdown mode "down there" for me. I roll away from her and make a audible sigh I guess of disappointment. This of course gets her on the defensive of "what did I say?". And it quickly devolved into an argument of me trying to explain to her how a comment like "asking me if I really wanted to be doing, what I was doing and initiated was a huge turn off to me and I thought it might be a cope out because she wasn't into it".

Her saying " that she can't talk to me without me getting upset by whatever and she cant say or do anything right". We've been going through a dry spell over the last couple of months (only a few times total) not the norm for us. We talked about this a week or so ago and we both recognized that things have been off in that dept. Mostly because I stopped initiating (not for any specific reason just tired, stressed, not on my radar by 10pm).

So Sat night I thought I better get back into the game. And her response just really killed it for me, I guess my reaction wasn't so great but she fails to see how asking if I really want to do what I'm doing makes me feel like she thinks I'm a child and I took it as she didn't want. She said she was worried it was late and didn't want me getting into an accident driving to work Sun morning. Now we've been up a lot later than this for sex on work nights and I always got to work just fine, imagine that.

I told her that if it was that she didn't want to I'd rather her say that than question me on what I was doing. Her only response was it was late and she wasn't expecting that. WTF

Wound up getting to sleep at 3am instead of 1am and up for work at5:45, still made it in just fine. No communication yesterday other than a Happy Mothers Day text from me and a response from her. I'll get home this afternoon and need to resolve this. Just unsure how without taking all the blame (or maybe it is all my fault). Her defensiveness makes it difficult to resolve arguments and I know arguing over sex is bad it just goes from 0-100 sometimes next thing I think is of one earth did we get here, lol.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

cruiser said:


> Her saying " that she can't talk to me without me getting upset by whatever and she cant say or do anything right". We've been going through a dry spell over the last couple of months (only a few times total) not the norm for us. We talked about this a week or so ago and we both recognized that things have been off in that dept. Mostly because I stopped initiating (not for any specific reason just tired, stressed, not on my radar by 10pm).


I agree, in that I don't see that comment as trying to talk about things - I see it as a passive aggressive attempt to put it on you. I would make that clear to her. Let her know that you are happy to listen and understand any issues that she has, but she has to raise them like an adult (you may want to soften that), rather than just put it on you.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

She did comment on why didn't I just say "yes I'm sure". I tried to explain how once she said that and things went into turtle mode it's hard to continue to be the aggressor for me. I knew that once it went soft it'd be up to her to get me hard again and I knew that wasn't going to happen. So yes I was frustrated. I just wish for once she could see my side. It's not so much about the sex but our communication.

My response may have been poor but I can't help how my body responds to her questioning my sexual advances.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's the thing... if you had been having regular sex and she had said that, I'd bet you would have responded with something like "Sure I do."

But the fact that you haven't been getting any and were probably frustrated meant that your first response to her comment was, let's say, maybe a little childish? Hey, been there, done that and as soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted it.

Her excuse about being safe in going to work was BS (unless you're an airline pilot).

I think you need to admit to her that YOUR response wasn't right BUT that in the future if you are trying to initiate, then yes you are sure about it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think you need to admit to her that YOUR response wasn't right BUT that in the future if you are trying to initiate, then yes you are sure about it.


I don't disagree with this, I just think he can't take it all on himself. That was a PA response, likely made to get the very reaction she got. That needs to stop. It was not her discussing, so complaining that he never lets her talk is BS.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It sounds like you're both going through some changes that are zapping your individual confidence as well as your confidence in each other. Like the proverbial two ships passing in the night. From the way you described it, she needs more emotional signs from you. Although a night out on the town might have filled that in nicely, unless you had been a tad distant? You recognize that you have been a tad distant due to work pressure. You both need the other to show conviction in your desire for the other. You both are waiting for the other to show it so it can be responded to.

This scenario used to happen to us all the time. We got better at recognizing how outside stress pulls us from each other and we kind of take turns pulling the other back with conviction of desire. YES! I really do DESIRE and want you!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Man, that's a messed up thing to say, I don't think my husband would react any different. Heck I would have reacted the same way too.
Of course you are sure about it, i get the feeling she asked to get you to stop and it worked.

Sorry, don't let her guilt you to saying you should have done this or that. I don't see how it can be your fault.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You were having a great Saturday evening and when you initiated, she asks you, "are you sure you want to do this?"

For real???

No wife should ever say something like this. Is there something wrong with her? 

She loves you, kids, so a comment like that is just stupid.

How's this. The next time she wants cuddling, ask her, are you sure you want to do this?. See how she reacts? I bet she won't be happy or want to cuddle.......

In this situation, it was her fault and none of yours. She isn't taking care of your needs and doesn't seem to care or its not a big deal to her. Not cool.

Some of the excuses LD spouses give are hilarious. I'm tired, yet they can read a book, watch tv, talk on the phone, surf the 'net.....you might not get enough sleep for work. Sex re-energizes us and de-stresses us and boosts our testosterone levels, so who cares if we got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8+ hours one night.

Sex and being intimate isn't planned. 

It's spontaneous.....fun......wild.......unpredictable. That's what makes it fun.

Her defensiveness is her way of not taking the blame and placing it all on you....


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I don't think she was consciously trying to sabotage our night, but my first thoughts were why is she asking me this then she must not want to.

I will say when I initiate she is up for it almost every time. I just haven't lately. I'm on here to try and prevent things like from happening in the future, meanwhile I doubt she's thought much about it in the last 2 days.

Again, I admit my response was wrong. Just wondering what would have been a better response seeing that physically I was unable to sex any further without some serious participation from her?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The reason you haven't been getting as much sex is because you haven't been initiating. Seems logical that she'd be somewhat surprised and maybe incredulous when you started writing checks on your account which seems to have had a recent low balance. That's on you. Instead of deflecting the comment and going for the gold, you confirmed her suspicion that you weren't really all that "into" her. You'll have an even harder time the next time you try to initiate. We teach others how to perceive us. If she perceives you as disinterested in sex, that's because you trained her to believe that. You can train her to perceive you in a different way.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Ugh, I recognize this scenario. There is already tension for both of your around the topic of sex, things didn't go "just right" and it shut things down for both of you.

Yes, you could have handled it differently, and you might have if the tension wasn't already there, but it's understandable that her response to you initiating was a big turn off for you. You rolling over and heaving a sigh escalated things for her and . . . well, here you are now. 

I think you are right that it's about communication. Talk to her about how her response immediately triggered a shut down for you due to the recent atmosphere with sex in your marriage. As others have pointed out, if your sex life was bangin', this probably wouldn't have been a deal breaker for you. Let her know that you're feeling vulnerable and that her second guessing your initiation of sex was deflating (on several levels, ahem.) Apologize for your part in the debacle, but don't dwell on it. See if you can get her to acknowledge her part in it too, and agree that sexual intimacy is going to take a bit of work to re establish, that there might be a few bumps along the way, but that you WANT it back in your marriage, and you are willing to work with her on it if she is willing to work with you. 

I will tell you from experience, when I was not wanting sex with my H, I often felt a lot of guilt that would come out as defensiveness. If I could pin a sex-fail on him, I would, ESPECIALLY if he was trying to pin it on me. The more you blame her, the worse this is going to get. She messed up, yes, but don't try to get her to admit it was all her fault. Don't keep telling her how sh*tty it was for her to say that. Just say, "You know, babe, if I'm making the moves and you're in the mood, how about just rolling with it?"

I think you can get past this; you might not get the satisfaction of her admitting she said something hurtful, but do you want to be right, or do you want to have sex?


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I want to be right and have sex. Lol, JK


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't read her comment as her not wanting to. If you've been a little distant, and haven't initiated in a while, maybe she honestly did wonder if your advances were some obligatory Saturday bang and she didn't want an obligatory session?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll try to speak for your wife here since something similar to this happened to my hb and I. He'd been having some trouble staying up, though as he is a very generous lover he'd still make me happy, and I was wary of putting too much pressure on him since I knew it bothered him. And it really wasn't a big deal to me in that I figured it was just a phase (turned out it was, and it passed), I go through those too. We've always had a great sex life and I look forward to sex with him. One night it was late, we were tired, and he was having trouble. I told him that if he was tired it was ok and there was always tomorrow. I really thought I was being thoughtful by removing pressure, but he sighed, rolled over, and pouted and the "moment" was over. It NEVER occurred to me that he would get upset, and when I finally got him to talk he admitted that he was frustrated with himself and my comment was a letdown like i didn't really want him. Once he admitted it he realized how ridiculous it was, since I was usually quite receptive, and we haven't had anymore problems with it. It's possible your wife didn't mean anything and is frustrated by your reaction, which was a little childish (though maybe understandable). Just wanted to offer something from what could well be her perspective. Talk to her about what really bothers you, not a lone comment she made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

The OP's response was no more childish than the wife's comment. I think he had every right to be ticked off and shut down.

When you have known rejection for so long, you just get fed up with the BS games of your spouse and just decide to shut down.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bbdad said:


> The OP's response was no more childish than the wife's comment. I think he had every right to be ticked off and shut down.
> 
> When you have known rejection for so long, you just get fed up with the BS games of your spouse and just decide to shut down.


Not necessarily, it depends partly on her motivation for the comment. And I didn't see rejection as an issue in his comment; in fact, I believe he said she's usually quite willing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I must have misread then.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bbdad said:


> I must have misread then.



No worries, I do it all the time 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Just to clarify, she hasn't been rejecting me. She willing almost anytime I am. 

Again knowing my response was wrong, what would have seemed appropriate given that physically I wasn't able to forward after that? Also know she is rarely into me doing anything just for her and she doesn't really enjoy oral(which is unfortunate because I L O V E it).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

cruiser said:


> Just to clarify, she hasn't been rejecting me. She willing almost anytime I am.
> 
> Again knowing my response was wrong, what would have seemed appropriate given that physically I wasn't able to forward after that? Also know she is rarely into me doing anything just for her and she doesn't really enjoy oral(which is unfortunate because I L O V E it).


So, you lost the erection, but that wouldn't prevent you from getting it back...right?

Wife: "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
You, over thinking and possibly misreading her statement... "He'll YEAH! I've missed you, now show me how much you've missed me?"


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Yeah, doesn't always work like that. Lets just say I wasn't going to be able to will it back, it was going to need active participation by her to come back. And since she apparently already thought it was so late I might crash on the way to work, getting me hard again was going to prolong things even more.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll try to speak for your wife here since something similar to this happened to my hb and I. He'd been having some trouble staying up, though as he is a very generous lover he'd still make me happy, and I was wary of putting too much pressure on him since I knew it bothered him. And it really wasn't a big deal to me in that I figured it was just a phase (turned out it was, and it passed), I go through those too. We've always had a great sex life and I look forward to sex with him. One night it was late, we were tired, and he was having trouble. I told him that if he was tired it was ok and there was always tomorrow. I really thought I was being thoughtful by removing pressure, but he sighed, rolled over, and pouted and the "moment" was over. It NEVER occurred to me that he would get upset, and when I finally got him to talk he admitted that he was frustrated with himself and my comment was a letdown like i didn't really want him. Once he admitted it he realized how ridiculous it was, since I was usually quite receptive, and we haven't had anymore problems with it. It's possible your wife didn't mean anything and is frustrated by your reaction, which was a little childish (though maybe understandable). Just wanted to offer something from what could well be her perspective. Talk to her about what really bothers you, not a lone comment she made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds so simple but ...... Why don't we just talk to each
other :scratchhead:


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I've been here. It happens. I've reacted the same as the OP before and learned not to eventually. I mean what adult wants another adult to speak to them like they're a child? Now Johnny, do you really think you should have a cookie before dinner? lol Then you think, naw. They don't mean it like that. Right behind it comes the rational thought of... She don't think I got this. Well I got this. Who does she think she is? Right? C'mon. You know that's what happens. 

So try this... You take that beating. No matter how it was meant. Go into it expecting some crap like that. And when you partner says some mess like 'are you sure?' you turn that back at them. "Oh, you want to role-play?" "I get it." "You'll be the grown up and I'll be the kid." "Tell me what I'm supposed to do Mrs Robinson." and then you give her playful pat on the azz.

I guarantee you one of a few possible outcomes.

1.) You'll piss her off.

2.) You'll confuse her. But hey, you get a laugh out of it.

3.) You'll get her spun up and have a great night of it. 

Either way, you tried with honest intent and can go to sleep knowing you had an answer.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

PS - You have to use the Mrs Robinson reference in the case here. If you don't get it, Google it.


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