# Thoughts/Opinions?



## Aurelian (10 mo ago)

Hello,

I've been a reader for a while now, but this is my first time posting.

I'm hopeful to gather some thoughts about my current situation, if you're willing.

My W and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12. We're both around 40. As I'm sure you've guessed based on the fact that I'm posting here, we have a troubled sex life. For the first several months we were together, I was completely satisfied with our sex life and level of intimacy in general. Then, literally overnight, she just turned off. Our sex life during the course of our entire relationship has been mostly nonexistent, unless she's been drinking. Even that is not necessarily enough to get things going, but most often, it does. She is a survivor of some _extensive_ childhood sexual trauma, and also had a complete hysterectomy along with both ovaries removed prior to us getting together. Growing up (late teens/20s), she held her life together, but heavily drank, used illicit drugs, and had many sexual partners (presumably based on what I understand to be when she was drunk and/or high). She has also stated that the intimacy issues that plague our marriage has been a problem with every LTR she has had throughout her life. She has been pursuing individual therapy as well as couples therapy along with me, to address those issues as well as others.

I love my wife dearly and I want so badly for us to have a healthy and consistent level of intimacy between the two of us. I try to be patient and understanding, but it gets extremely difficult as I (no joke) find her to be the most attractive woman I've ever met. The mere thought of her is enough to get me turned on. Whenever we actually do get intimate, I feel things like I've never felt with any other woman I've been with.

Is there anything that I can be doing and/or not doing to help the situation?

Do you believe her listed physical and/or mental health issues may spell certain doom for healthy and consistent intimacy?

Thank you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not to be blunt but you have chosen very poorly and now are living with the consequences of that choice. You also stuck it out all these years and have taught her it’s perfectly ok. You knew all this before you married her. 

Look in the mirror to find the problem


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Aurelian said:


> Hello,


Hello @Aurelian.



> I'm hopeful to gather some thoughts about my current situation, if you're willing.


Sure, I'll bite.



> My W and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12. We're both around 40. As I'm sure you've guessed based on the fact that I'm posting here, we have a troubled sex life.


Well that must suck like dead dogs balls, so I am sorry you are here.



> For the first several months we were together, I was completely satisfied with our sex life and level of intimacy in general. Then, literally overnight, she just turned off. Our sex life during the course of our entire relationship has been mostly nonexistent, unless she's been drinking.


Wow!

Now I'm sorry this advice is too late. Yet really when that happens in any sexual relationship, that's your cue to dump that sexual partner. Since they have actually made it extraordinarily clear, that they are loathe to share sex with you.

So way back when, you should have dumped her immediately, when she started to turn the sex tap off.

Unfortunately you didn't do that so here you are, sitting at the bottom of a stupendously deep hole that you have dug yourself with reckless abandon.

With that said, please, please do yourself an enormous favour and afford yourself some dignity going forward, by now ending your marriage. If spending your time with someone who loves being with you sexually, matters at all to you in any way.



> Even that is not necessarily enough to get things going, but most often, it does. She is a survivor of some _extensive_ childhood sexual trauma, and also had a complete hysterectomy along with both ovaries removed prior to us getting together. Growing up (late teens/20s), she held her life together, but heavily drank, used illicit drugs, and had many sexual partners (presumably based on what I understand to be when she was drunk and/or high).


Hmmm.



> She has also stated that the intimacy issues that plague our marriage has been a problem with every LTR she has had throughout her life. She has been pursuing individual therapy as well as couples therapy along with me, to address those issues as well as others.


One thing for sure, she hasn't held back in telling you who she is, I think the only hope you have going forward is to actually believe her and dump her accordingly.



> I love my wife dearly and I want so badly for us to have a healthy and consistent level of intimacy between the two of us.


I'm sorry.



> I try to be patient and understanding, but it gets extremely difficult as I (no joke) find her to be the most attractive woman I've ever met. The mere thought of her is enough to get me turned on. Whenever we actually do get intimate, I feel things like I've never felt with any other woman I've been with.


This doesn't help you.



> Is there anything that I can be doing and/or not doing to help the situation?


Yes, you could divorce your wife.



> Do you believe her listed physical and/or mental health issues may spell certain doom for healthy and consistent intimacy?


No I don't think they may spell certain doom at all, since that horse already bolted just months into your relationship.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Did she tell you all of this _before_ you got married?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Well @Aurelian this is a fine mess.
I agree in principle with the other posters, that you have bought a lemon and now wondering why you can’t have fine wine from that.

However, I am pro-marriage and unless there’s a divorce-able offense like abuse or adultery, I would say that you can’t cast her aside without a proper effort to fix things.

2 things jump to mind.
-Forget about the intimacy problem for the time being and focus hard on that IC. Make sure the counselor knows the real deal and your wife isn’t minimizing. She’s got a ton of baggage to unload and only a professional can help.
-No more substances. Drugs and alcohol work against her health and your relationship. So drop them completely from your lives. Ban them from your house.

The odds of failure are high I think, which is another reason everyone else is skipping it. It likely does spell ‘certain doom’ as you put it.

But I think you should shoulder the responsibility for the situation you created and try your best to fix it.

Do you and your wife work?
Any kids?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Did she tell you all of this _before_ you got married?


By the way his story goes the sex would have turned off before they were even married. She didn’t lie about anything the way I’m reading it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> By the way his story goes the sex would have turned off before they were even married. She didn’t lie about anything the way I’m reading it.


I'm guessing there was a bit of bait and switch however as if they were together 2 years before marriage and he was happy even in the first part of the marriage, she certainly knew what she was doing. 

Aurelian, was the sex good while you were dating before you got married?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Aurelian said:


> My W and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12. We're both around 40. As I'm sure you've guessed based on the fact that I'm posting here, we have a troubled sex life. For the first several months we were together, I was completely satisfied with our sex life and level of intimacy in general. Then, literally overnight, she just turned off. Our sex life during the course of our entire relationship has been mostly nonexistent, unless she's been drinking.


I don't get it.

Only a few months IN, you already *knew* that she was no longer interested in sex with you, and you stayed.

Not only did you continue to stick around for 2 years, you then MARRIED her. 

And here you are 14 years later from the day you met her, STILL in the same boat with a woman who wants no part of you sexually, and you suddenly want a magic answer for how you can change this dynamic.

Sorry, OP. You're about 13 1/2 years too late. 😟


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> By the way his story goes the sex would have turned off before they were even married. She didn’t lie about anything the way I’m reading it.


yes, maybe... but the timeline is not 100% clear.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Aurelian said:


> Then, literally overnight, she just turned off. Our sex life during the course of our entire relationship has been mostly nonexistent, unless she's been drinking. Even that is not necessarily enough to get things going, but most often, it does. She is a survivor of some _extensive_ childhood sexual trauma, and also had a complete hysterectomy along with both ovaries removed prior to us getting together. Growing up (late teens/20s), she held her life together, but heavily drank, used illicit drugs, and had many sexual partners (presumably based on what I understand to be when she was drunk and/or high). She has also stated that the intimacy issues that plague our marriage has been a problem with every LTR she has had throughout her life. She has been pursuing individual therapy as well as couples therapy along with me, to address those issues as well as others.
> 
> I love my wife dearly and I want so badly for us to have a healthy and consistent level of intimacy between the two of us. I try to be patient and understanding, but it gets extremely difficult as I (no joke) find her to be the most attractive woman I've ever met. The mere thought of her is enough to get me turned on. Whenever we actually do get intimate, I feel things like I've never felt with any other woman I've been with.


"Men mess up their lives and then find ways to justify it"
- Richard Cooper

The 2 paragraphs above perfectly describe that quote. You bought a train wreck and now wonder why it won't travel down the tracks carrying cargo. 

I wonder if what separates these guys from normal, healthy guys is a healthy guy will see a train wreck and a disordered chick and WON'T find her applealing. 

And even if she did sucker him in during the initial wild, monkey sex phase that crazy chicks have, the healthy guy loses attraction and desire for her real quick and moves on.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I wonder if what separates these guys from normal, healthy guys is a healthy guy will see a train wreck and a disordered chick and WON'T find her applealing.


i agree with this 100%.

source: I wasn’t always normal/healthy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> "Men mess up their lives and then find ways to justify it"
> - Richard Cooper
> 
> The 2 paragraphs above perfectly describe that quote. You bought a train wreck and now wonder why it won't travel down the tracks carrying cargo.
> ...


He may once or twice, but knows it's got a shelf life, will have to be thrown out at expiration date or earlier.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One of my good friends from childhood is like this. He manages to take in one feral stray cat after another. 

He is an engineer, makes good bank. Is physically fit. Probably right at 6 ft and lean 185lbs, not bad looking in any way. Highly intelligent.......... but has never touched a mentally healthy woman in his life. His latest wife, he literally had to keep all her meds under lock and key where only he had access and he would have to organize all her meds in those pill boxes like old ladies have and then dispense them to her throughout the day and look in her mouth and under her tongue like a psyche ward nurse. This was for a 40 year old woman. Then one day she decided he wasn't fun anymore and ran off to another state with some chick she literally met in a bar over the weekend. She wasn't even hot. She was close to 300lbs with rotting teeth. These guys are just as disordered. 

I'm willing to bet the OP here was raised by single mother that was whacky herself. He never had a solid, supportive male figure in his life. He was nerdy and socially awkward as a child and teen and this gal was the first female that ever gave him the time of time and his first GF and first chick that ever laid a hand on his junk. 

Whacky behavior in women is normal to him and healthy squared away women seem like alien beings to him and they seem him as the same. 

He spent his formative years growing up trying to sooth and emotionally support a single mother and bent over backwards trying to be a good boy for her to earn her love and devotion and then first chance he got, he latched on to another damaged and disordered chicks and is still trying to be the good boy and bending over backwards to appease and accommodate her to earn her love and sexuality.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Not to be blunt but you have chosen very poorly and now are living with the consequences of that choice. You also stuck it out all these years and have taught her it’s perfectly ok. You knew all this before you married her.


It may sound mean but this is why it is good to avoid partners who've had sexual abuse. If you want a happy, drama-free life avoid sexual abuse victims or people with mental health problems. Its just facts.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

thunderchad said:


> It may sound mean but this is why it is good to avoid partners who've had sexual abuse. If you want a happy, drama-free life avoid sexual abuse victims or people with mental health problems. Its just facts.


Amending to say unaddressed abuse.

People who have had abuse in their past can learn to be good, healthy partners. 

Others don't care what they dish out to a partner.

It's the second category you want to avoid.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are both in your 40s. Think about that. But just in case that doesn't jiggle your memory, people as they get older, on average their sexual libido declines (no the other way around). So, you have a partner that has serious mental problems with intimacy and sex, and you are expecting her to get back whatever the level of her mojo was?

With help she "might get some sort of intimacy" level, but sex drive? I doubt that. You stayed, so now you have to ride the buck, or get off it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

thunderchad said:


> It may sound mean but this is why it is good to avoid partners who've had sexual abuse. If you want a happy, drama-free life avoid sexual abuse victims or people with mental health problems. Its just facts.


That's true. Unfortunately, often all this stuff comes out _after many years_ of marriage, when you have kids and the lot. My deal breaker was therapy to fix the issues. That didn't happen and I'm single now. It's a long road and you learn going along. Remember: there is also the old mantra "in sickness and in health"... all in all, yes, I would encourage to avoid potential partners with abuse/mental issues. It's not great for the kids either and I can see that in my children now.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

yeah i wonder where all these issues were when the intimacy was acceptable? 


Sounds like my ex wife. After we got married she cut it off, and then all of a sudden she has always had these libido issues in every relationship-- and many other ways to manipulate me and make me feel bad. And yeah, one day she turned on the tears and told me it was because she had been sexually assaulted when she was in college. SO I surely felt awful about that forever. 

Anyway, looking back I am pretty sure she made it all up to make me feel bad. Pretty rotten.


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## Aurelian (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Did she tell you all of this _before_ you got married?


Yes.


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## Aurelian (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Well @Aurelian this is a fine mess.
> I agree in principle with the other posters, that you have bought a lemon and now wondering why you can’t have fine wine from that.
> 
> However, I am pro-marriage and unless there’s a divorce-able offense like abuse or adultery, I would say that you can’t cast her aside without a proper effort to fix things.
> ...


I myself have never been into drugs, and she hasn't used them for a very long time. We both work and do not have kids.

By IC do you mean inner child?


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## Aurelian (10 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I'm guessing there was a bit of bait and switch however as if they were together 2 years before marriage and he was happy even in the first part of the marriage, she certainly knew what she was doing.
> 
> Aurelian, was the sex good while you were dating before you got married?


Sex was great while dating, but stopped literally overnight soon after we moved in together.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Aurelian said:


> I myself have never been into drugs, and she hasn't used them for a very long time. We both work and do not have kids.
> 
> By IC do you mean inner child?


Individual Counseling, specifically for the childhood trauma that you mentioned.

Good to hear about drugs.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Aurelian said:


> I myself have never been into drugs, and she hasn't used them for a very long time. We both work and do not have kids.
> 
> By IC do you mean inner child?


IC is individual counseling. 

I agree with Rob up above. Sex drops off as you age. She had a hysterectomy, too. I think it might be worth a trip to a gynecologist who specializes in hormone replacement therapy to see if she should be on hormones or not, because that might have some effect, but don't expect miracles. Don't let her just visit an ob gyn. Need to get on google for your area and find a gyn who specifically says she/he deals with HRT, hormone replacement therapy, because doctors who mainly deliver babies often to not even bother to get good at HRT and keep up with the latest.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So sex fell apart before marriage?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

thunderchad said:


> It may sound mean but this is why it is good to avoid partners who've had sexual abuse. If you want a happy, drama-free life avoid sexual abuse victims or people with mental health problems. Its just facts.


Yeah but this woman wasn’t hiding anything by the sound of it ( to me at least). He accepted that before they were even married and then still carried on. It’s him that changed his mind about that circumstance.

If I’m interpreting his story correctly that woman although carrying loads of baggage hasn’t done him any wrong.

On a side note she had a full hysterectomy.


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## Aurelian (10 mo ago)

Thank you all for your responses. Just to clarify a few things:
My wife is not the only woman with whom I've ever had relationship, nor is she the only woman with whom I've ever had sex. I once found myself in a prior relationship with a woman who, over time, became very abusive and controlling; I ended it soon thereafter. It was easy. We weren't married and didn't have kids. I've never had an issue with purging problematic people from my life; done it plenty of times. I don't consider my wife to be a problematic person, there's just the sex/intimacy issue. I take my marriage and my vows very seriously, which is why divorce over the issue is not an option for me. Had other things surfaced, such as what I've mentioned with that one woman I was with for a while, it would be a different story.

Let me ask you this:

Do you believe there was an intentional bait and switch on my wife's part from the start, or is it possible that her past trauma actually caused things to just switch off?


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## Aurelian (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> So sex fell apart before marriage?


Yes, basically within a month or two of us living together.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aurelian said:


> Yes, basically within a month or two of us living together.


Things rarely improve after marriage. After this long, I’m afraid there’s little hope that she’ll change. Unfortunately.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Aurelian said:


> or is it possible that her past trauma actually caused things to just switch off?


Not even a particle of a chance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Aurelian said:


> Do you believe there was an intentional bait and switch on my wife's part


There was no bait and switch because you already knew everything BEFORE you married her.

The sex switch was on because she was seeking male acceptance… as soon as you moved her in you “approved her” so the switch turned off

It’s how she is wired from her unfortunate past.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Aurelian said:


> Do you believe there was an intentional bait and switch on my wife's part from the start, or is it possible that her past trauma actually caused things to just switch off?


I will let my dear old school-marm mother address this question for you. She used to cite this old adage all the time -"women give sex for love and marriage, men give love and marriage for sex." 

I'll put that into a little more modern terminology - she wanted the other benefits of relationship/marriage such as companionship, financial support, housekeeping assistance, children if you have them, protection, security etc, and regular sex was the currency for which she obtained those. 

Once she got those other trimmings of the relationship, she quickly learned that she no longer had to put out sexually. You accepted the new arrangement of providing those other things without an active sex life in return. You may not like it and you may whine to us about it.... yet there you are. Since you are still there providing those other things without a sexlife in return, that means you have accepted it. 

She may or may not have ever been that sexually attracted to you. There may be other factors contributing to her lack of desire for you such as her hysterectomy (which can have a huge influence if she is not on any kind of hormonal therapy) her baggage from her prior abuse can also have a big effect...... and the mere fact that you have accepted a sexless marriage can also contribute to her lack of desire for you. 

Regardless of the reasons and rationale, she sees you as a beta provider and girlfriend and not as a lover.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> The sex switch was on because she was seeking male acceptance… as soon as you moved her in you “approved her” so the switch turned off
> 
> It’s how she is wired from her unfortunate past.


This is why untreated CSA is such a destructive and dysfunctional thing. 

Many untreated CSA survivors are drawn towards those that will use and exploit them, yet are sexually turned off to those that love and support them. 

These are the chicks that will keep their husbands and long term BFs at arm's length and tell them that they feel anxious and conflicted about sex and that they need to feel "safe" and will refuse them for months or even years at a time. 

But yet will get down with some biker she just met in the bathroom at the bar that while out with the girls for a drink after work. 

They are disordered and aren't firing on all cylinders.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Aurelian said:


> :
> 
> Do you believe there was an intentional bait and switch on my wife's part from the start, or is it possible that her past trauma actually caused things to just switch off?


Let me rephrase this a bit. 

Her past abuse may have been what contributed to her to being hypersexual in the opening acts of your relationship to begin with. 

Once she got the house and the status and the support and the stability in her life, then she reverted back to her natural state of NOT finding you sexually appealing and NOT wanting to have sex with you. 

It's a messed up world for CSA survivors. I'm not trying to play junior shrink here as she needs actual professional therapy from an actual licensed professional,, but what often takes place with the CSA victims is as a young girl she had to have sex with her mom's boyfriend in order for the family to have food on the table and roof over their heads. She likely found her abuser repulsive and disgusting but believed she needed his acceptance and grace in order to keep the peace in the family and keep his provisioning and financial support. She hated it, but believed she had to do it to keep the peace in the household. 

Now as an adult, she still wanted that provisioning and support and security and sexuality was her tool for securing it. But once she had it and you were no longer requiring it for her to stay, she no longer had any want to do it. 

So there's a chance that the abuse contributed more to her hyper sexuality at front end of the relationship more than flipping off the switch once the relationship was secured, although it could be a factor in that as well. 

In other words, this is more her innate state. The hyper sexual phase you saw at the beginning was her learned response and tool to obtain male acceptance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m a big advocate about exiting sexless relationships but this isn’t the usual case we see around here.

If you dump her you should feel terrible about your self.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Aurelian said:


> Is there anything that I can be doing and/or not doing to help the situation?
> 
> Do you believe her listed physical and/or mental health issues may spell certain doom for healthy and consistent intimacy?


No and yes.




She'sStillGotIt said:


> Only a few months IN, you already *knew* that she was no longer interested in sex with you, and you stayed.
> 
> Not only did you continue to stick around for 2 years, you then MARRIED her.


Big mistake



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sorry, OP. You're about 13 1/2 years too late.





Aurelian said:


> Do you believe there was an intentional bait and switch on my wife's part from the start,


As soon as the hook was firmly into your jaw, she needed no more bait. She has 14 years and counting with no effort needed


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m a big advocate about exiting sexless relationships but this isn’t the usual case we see around here.
> 
> If you dump her you should feel terrible about your self.


Agree, the bait and switch is on HIS side.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Aurelian said:


> Sex was great while dating, but stopped literally overnight soon after we moved in together.


So let's approach this different than all the debbie downers.

1st. She needs some counseling hopefully by someone who is a qualified sexual trauma counselor.

Yes the sexual abuse often time affects them for a lifetime. It doesn't have to negatively affect for a lifetime. First they have to recognize they have been impacted, how it is currently impacting the relationship and want to change.

There is the trick some don't want to change.

Psychologically people have used her for sex with and without her permission. Subconsciously she may associate sex with people who DON"T love her. So when she felt loved she felt you didn't need sex. If you demand sex subconsciously you go in the user pile of people who don't love her. That's where it get's tricky and things fall off the rails. As someone who loves her of course you want sex with her. This is where a good counselor can help her cut through the noise and retrain her brain to look at all the other things you do which are actions associated with love. Help her realize sex is a very normal and loving thing in a loving relationship.

Do CSA survivors have issues, Yes often times they do.

BTW almost 1/3 women have experiences some kind of unwanted sexual touching. 
1/6 experience attempted rape or rape during a lifetime according to some statistics. Even if those statistics are way off it leaves a lot of women. So you can't always 'avoid' the broken ones.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Aurelian said:


> Yes, basically within a month or two of us living together.


OK, you said you didn't consider her a problematic person in another of your comments.

When the two of you were dating, it was an audition to find out if the two of you were compatible for a long term romantic relationship.


Even though you don't think she is a "problematic person", she failed the audition of being a long term romantic partner for you early on.

That doesn't make her bad or wrong or a "problematic person". It just makes her a bad choice for you to be with her in a long term romantic relationship.

Look, none of us can be with anyone and everyone in a long term romantic relationship but many of us can be friends with lots and lots of people, most of them don't and couldn't rise to the level of being our romantic partner.


For a huge majority, a good sex life is a big part of a good long term romantic relationship. For a huge majority, sex is something they only do with their spouse, it's the thing that differentiates them from their friends.

You knew the sex dried up well before marrying her yet while knowing this, you still intentionally chose to marry her and I guess you "hoped" the sex life would improve.

Hope isn't and never will be a plan. So, with that being said, what did she say to you, way back then, before you two married when you talked about the non-existent sex life after that first month or two?

And going forward, hope won't be a plan for you regarding this either.

I'm sorry about her abuse, I really am. I'm assuming she's been to counseling and hopefully a lot of it. If not, why?

OP, she'll either work on this, all of this, her traumatic past and her sex life with you or she won't.

Words don't mean much, her actions will show you all you need to know.

Sadly, this won't be a quick fix.

My only real advice to you OP is nicely explain that she needs to work on this and it's her actions that will count.

Lastly, I think you should put a time limit on this, say a year. I don't think you need to tell her that. I say this about putting a time limit on this, not to completely fix herself mind you as this will take a long time, but to see real improvements, see the needling moving and pointing in the other direction, see her taking action, contacted therapists, making appointments and going and involving you to a certain point so you're not left completely alone.

Why put a time limit on this? 1 year becomes 3 years, turns into 5 years, into a decade and folks find themselves in the same damn boat.

Either work like hell on this, together, or end it. Don't just sit on the fence. Get off the fence, on one side of this or the other. 

Don't continue slowly circling the drain, which is what you've been doing for a decade and a half now.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Aurelian said:


> I take my marriage and my vows very seriously, which is why divorce over the issue is not an option for me.


No wonder you are in the mess you're in, since you are evidently determined to maintain the status quo.

So good luck , I hope you enjoy your celibacy.



> Let me ask you this:
> 
> Do you believe there was an intentional bait and switch on my wife's part from the start, or is it possible that her past trauma actually caused things to just switch off?


You were only a few months into your relationship and weren't married, there was no bait and switch. She showed you who she was/is, and you chose to press on despite that truth. So this situation is entirely of your own choosing and making.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> BTW almost 1/3 women have experiences some kind of unwanted sexual touching.
> 1/6 experience attempted rape or rape during a lifetime according to some statistics. Even if those statistics are way off it leaves a lot of women. So you can't always 'avoid' the broken ones.


This also doesn’t include the number women who felt obligated to have sex which makes it distasteful. Or did because they lacked the financial resources to be independent.

I do think there are a fair amount of women who think internally they’re broken and intentionally don’t mention CSA/abuse until later into the relationship. Took my wife 17 years to admit something. I think most people are fine with “sickness and health” but trusting someone enough to sleep with, co-mingle finances yet conceal something this important really takes away a partner’s ability to make a fully informed decision beforehand.

And to be real, it sucks being left with the consequences of someone’s abhorrent behavior. And I think a lot of people think the “incident(s)” won’t affect their relationships but it usually does.

Regardless, as a couple they are now one… her CSA and reactions afterwards don’t happen in a vacuum. If she was single, she could avoid all the sex she wants. She needs to realize she needs to work through it for both of them versus shutting off the tap. That’s basically admitting you knew and withheld it.

I have a buddy who has a felony conviction on his record which is something he gets nervous about admitting to women but he has to. He easily could hide it and admit it later. Down the road, after a few kids I don’t think a wife would be too happy to find this out especially if it was a domestic-related charge.

ETA to add last paragraph


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Aurelian said:


> Sex was great while dating, but stopped literally overnight soon after we moved in together.


And you still married her? I'm not sure what to suggest, to be honest.... you are only going to inflict pain to her now.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Is your wife in “individual counseling” (IC) for her sexual assault issues? 

Have you discussed the issue with her? If so, what does she say. If not, I recommend you do.

What are you willing to do if things do not change. Are you willing to separate for a while? Risk losing her as a partner? Initiate divorce?

ask yourself these things before you start down this road.

if it were me, and I could fathom leaving here if things don’t change, I’d let her know that to stay you require she enter IC to work through all that has happened with her, Marriage Counseling for you to discuss these issues together and perhaps sex therapy as well.

Good luck.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

I see she has been doing these therapies individually and with you. What has come of that work? What do therapists suggest? What does she say?

perhaps adding sex therapy will do the trick.


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