# Narcissistic/controlling?



## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

So my stbx is a "fun" one. It's been a rough one year since finding out about his affair and wanting a divorce.

I have taken the high road and tried to keep the peace but I feel like he's taking advantage of the situation.

For example:


After finding out about the affair, I still agreed to live in the same house let alone in the same bed until I couldn't take it anymore and moved into another room.

After he lied about a "business" trip he took in the winter (he left out of state to visit the OW) I still let him back in the house when that should have been my cue to say leave.

Now that we are physically separated but not legally yet (divorce should go through by the new year), we share a joint checking account where he puts money for the kids.

Earlier this summer, upon finding out that I withdrew cash from an ATM, he texted me that I only use the debit card so he can see what's being purchased. 

That situation blew over but today he noticed I transferred money to my own account and texted me that I once again only use the joint checking when making purchases. And that he would appreciate that I don't do that again.

That's just a few examples, he's definitely put me through some highs and lows with some crazy schemes.

I say he's "fun" because I'm trying to keep the peace without losing my cool but I really feel like I lost control here. I feel like the situation is so messed up. 

He's the one that screwed up, he's the one that got caught cheating, but yet it's like he's calling the shots.

He doesn't like that I need some of the child support money (in the meantime until I start a full time job) because he doesn't want to take care of me anymore.

He's acts nice sometimes and says things like he'll help us move one day (to be closer to him) but then gets his feathers ruffled when he sees me withdrawing cash or transferring money.

Advice, opinions on how to deal with a character like this?

I know most of it is the result of what I allowed. I am a pushover when it comes to him. I have a hard time standing my ground but I want my power back without being evil.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

bbgirl said:


> So my stbx is a "fun" one. It's been a rough one year since finding out about his affair and wanting a divorce.
> 
> I have taken the high road and tried to keep the peace but I feel like he's taking advantage of the situation.
> 
> ...


*You aren't evil for standing up for yourself, knock it off. Don't be a pushover for this cheating sh!tbag. Go to a lawyer, for the love of God.*


OK, 2x4 whack in the head I gave you above is over. I'm sorry you are going through this. Go to see a lawyer and get this D started, don't believe anything else the cheater says...Take your power back, he isn't going to start being a fair, honest and upright man, he isn't that guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, file for divorce as soon as possible. Ask for interim spousal support and child support. You will get that until the divorce is final. During the divorce you negotiate, according to state guidelines what the child support will be and any spousal support if there will be any. 

In some states the spouse who is the stay at home, can get rehabilitative spousal support for some period of time.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> *You aren't evil for standing up for yourself, knock it off. Don't be a pushover for this cheating sh!tbag. Go to a lawyer, for the love of God.*
> 
> 
> OK, 2x4 whack in the head I gave you above is over. I'm sorry you are going through this. Go to see a lawyer and get this D started, don't believe anything else the cheater says...Take your power back, he isn't going to start being a fair, honest and upright man, he isn't that guy.



I appreciate your honesty. I know a lot of this is on me. Part of me was hoping it would work out thats why I stayed.

I recently moved to another state so I have to wait for the residency requirement (6 months) before filing divorce.

I can file by the new year and be done and over with it.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, file for divorce as soon as possible. Ask for interim spousal support and child support. You will get that until the divorce is final. During the divorce you negotiate, according to state guidelines what the child support will be and any spousal support if there will be any.
> 
> In some states the spouse who is the stay at home, can get rehabilitative spousal support for some period of time.


I recently moved to another state so after the 6 month residency requirement I can file.

For the most part he's being cooperative (giving the kids money) but then he just becomes a jerk and knows how to push my button.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

So BB why do you let him have this control when you know better? This is one of the questions you need to ask urself so you can work on getting over it. You must do whats best for you and ur kids now. Good Luck


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Blaine said:


> So BB why do you let him have this control when you know better? This is one of the questions you need to ask urself so you can work on getting over it. You must do whats best for you and ur kids now. Good Luck


I don't know, that's a good question. I guess I'm afraid of rocking the boat and making this ugly. I don't want any drama and I want this to be civil and an easy transition because we have kids.

I really don't want to hate him but he's obviously not thinking of my best interest so I have to draw the line somewhere.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to put a stop to his controlling ways. He has not only cheated on you but is still trying to control you. You must ensure you have a good lawyer that takes him for all he is worth and stop playing Ms Nice! As you said he is the one who brought the marriage down, stop worrying about his feelings and go for the jugular. Take care of yourself first because the kids will not benefit from a mum who is worried about money, walking on eggshells to please her POS STBX. Take back your power, you will feel good about yourself and your kids will benefit from a more confident at peace mother. 
Start today by telling him, he has no right to dictate to you what you do or do not do, (he lost that privelege when he f***** another woman). By law he must support you financially (find out what the law actually says in your state and quote it to him), ask your lawyer what your rights are and quote them to him. If he wants to get down and dirty, be prepared for it because it sounds like he got away with alot of s*** in your marriage, now time to put a stop to it and grow a back bone.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

It doesnt have to be ugly for you to stand up for urself and keeping the fighting down is good as long as you dont let him walk all over u. which is what seems like is happening. You can overcome and be happy but not by giving urself away. Good luck


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bbgirl said:


> I don't know, that's a good question. I guess I'm afraid of rocking the boat and making this ugly. I don't want any drama and I want this to be civil and an easy transition because we have kids.
> 
> I really don't want to hate him but he's obviously not thinking of my best interest so I have to draw the line somewhere.


The more you don't rock the boat the uglier it will be in the long term. Your trying to nice your way out and it's just feeding his controlling tendancies. It doesn't have to get ugly, standing up for yourself isn't getting ugly.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Keep in mind that he is narcissistic to some degree when dealing with him. What seems logical to you is not how he will see it. You expect that common sense will come through but you are dealing with an irrational person. You keep expecting rational results but that is not how his mind works. He sees reality from his own world view.

The more you learn about this type of behavior via research, the better you can avoid the pitfalls when dealing with someone like him.

First, change your expectations. Odds are, this will not go smoothly for you. Second, protect your and your children's interests. Third, limit focus on him, and do not engage unless necessary. Fourth, if things go above the neutral level of response, cut contact. Go through a lawyer if you must, but do not let yourself get emotionally entangle in his drama. Fifth, he will not have your best interest, nor that of the children. The kids are extensions of himself and odds are, he will use them against you no matter how emotionally damaging. Sixth, keep working towards personal independence. He needs a way of pushing your buttons. The less he has over you, the less control. So as you become more detach and less reliant on him, the less he has an ability to hold sway over you. Seventh, if you have the opportunity, get your children into counseling as well. You want to make sure that they are developing normally. The stronger a child has an attachment to a parental figure, the more influence they have on their personal development.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

aine said:


> As you said he is the one who brought the marriage down, stop worrying about his feelings and go for the jugular. Take care of yourself first because the kids will not benefit from a mum who is worried about money, walking on eggshells to please her POS STBX. Take back your power, you will feel good about yourself and your kids will benefit from a more confident at peace mother.


Thank you for the advice. I do realize I have to be strong not only for me but for my kids. They've been through enough already. It's time for me to detach emotionally too because I know that's where I struggle.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Blaine said:


> It doesnt have to be ugly for you to stand up for urself and keeping the fighting down is good as long as you dont let him walk all over u. which is what seems like is happening. You can overcome and be happy but not by giving urself away. Good luck


Thank you, I will definitely have to work on this. This is definitely building my character that's for sure.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

honcho said:


> The more you don't rock the boat the uglier it will be in the long term. Your trying to nice your way out and it's just feeding his controlling tendancies. It doesn't have to get ugly, standing up for yourself isn't getting ugly.


Yes you're right as I've learned after putting up with this for a year already. I thought things could get better or change but they haven't.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Keep in mind that he is narcissistic to some degree when dealing with him. What seems logical to you is not how he will see it. You expect that common sense will come through but you are dealing with an irrational person. You keep expecting rational results but that is not how his mind works. He sees reality from his own world view.
> 
> The more you learn about this type of behavior via research, the better you can avoid the pitfalls when dealing with someone like him.
> 
> First, change your expectations. Odds are, this will not go smoothly for you. Second, protect your and your children's interests. Third, limit focus on him, and do not engage unless necessary. Fourth, if things go above the neutral level of response, cut contact. Go through a lawyer if you must, but do not let yourself get emotionally entangle in his drama. Fifth, he will not have your best interest, nor that of the children. The kids are extensions of himself and odds are, he will use them against you no matter how emotionally damaging. Sixth, keep working towards personal independence. He needs a way of pushing your buttons. The less he has over you, the less control. So as you become more detach and less reliant on him, the less he has an ability to hold sway over you. Seventh, if you have the opportunity, get your children into counseling as well. You want to make sure that they are developing normally. The stronger a child has an attachment to a parental figure, the more influence they have on their personal development.


Another friend told me to change my expectations too. I want things to be a certain way (mature and civil) but I know I have to see things for what they are.

Limit my focus on him, yes that's another one. Somehow I'm still attached emotionally but I'm working on it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bbgirl said:


> Another friend told me to change my expectations too. I want things to be a certain way (mature and civil) but I know I have to see things for what they are.
> 
> Limit my focus on him, yes that's another one. Somehow I'm still attached emotionally but I'm working on it.


Even in average boring divorce mature and civil are lofty goals it seems. 

He needs your reliance or submissive stance to fuel his controlling patterns. Even little nobody cares about stuff will become issues most likely because it's all about him invoking his power. 

Just as Mr fist says take some time and do some research to better understand his tendencies.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

As a narcissist, control freak, and manipulative abuser of women (according to my STBX), I'd say that as long as he knows you are a decent and considerate human being, he'll have power over you.

A lawyer will end his reality. Stay strong. I'm so sorry for what he is doing to you. But it's time to break free. A year has been a long time


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

CTPlay said:


> As a narcissist, control freak, and manipulative abuser of women (according to my STBX), I'd say that as long as he knows you are a decent and considerate human being, he'll have power over you.
> 
> A lawyer will end his reality. Stay strong. I'm so sorry for what he is doing to you. But it's time to break free. A year has been a long time


Thanks, I'm ready to break free. This has been a nightmare but I know it will all be ok once it's done and over with.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your advice/opinions.

I did have a talk with him about his recent request on not transferring money. Of course he didn't see it anything wrong with it, in his eyes since he's giving money for the kids he wants to know where it's going. He says once the divorce is final then yes, he doesn't have that right. 

At one point he even said that he would stop supporting with money (since I have something to complain about). A slight threat because of course I ruffled his feathers. And I knew he'd say something like that, there's no talking or reasoning with him to be mature and civil.

To end the conversation he said he'd just start transferring the money to my account to resolve this matter. But he wanted to close out the joint checking account that we are both under. To that I said no. That's where his pay goes (and the bills come out of) so for my security I want to stay on a joint until the divorce is final.


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