# On the brink of divorce



## phoenix88 (Jun 13, 2017)

My husband and I have been married over 12 years. We’ve had infidelity issues (by him), but not for 9 years. It has been a long road to regain trust.

He started a new job 1 year ago and I found out he was hiding relationships with female coworkers. He assured me they were platonic, but later told me that he was sexually attracted to one of them, and hoped we could have a threesome someday. Obviously this was concerning to me. We agreed he would let me know if he was going to go out with them outside of work, and just be more transparent in general.

Several incidents have occurred where he has not kept up with our agreement. He feels that he should be able to do what he wants and tell me later (vs before), or I should just trust that he’s making the right decisions. Recently he went out for a corporate event in which he stayed out until the next morning (very atypical). He did not tell me he was going somewhere after the event. We did not discuss it until the next day. He finally, after a lot of discussion, admitted this was wrong. 

The following week he was at another corporate event. Before the event, he said he was going to hang out with the female coworkers. There was not enough time so he did not end up doing that. The event ended early and he then went out with them. I was irritated that he chose to go out with them, instead of coming home to see me (considering we’d been arguing and finally resolved things). It was more irritating because one of the females is the girl he’s sexually attracted to.

This caused a series of arguments, a lot of unresolved issues brought up, etc. He went to work the next day and apparently told these female coworkers that I had a problem with him going out with them instead of coming home. 

This made me livid and feels irreparable. His need to gain sympathy with these women by openly discussing our private matters is so damaging. Not only do I now feel like I can’t trust him with my thoughts or feelings, but I don’t feel comfortable attending work functions with him due to the fact that he has ruined my reputation by making me seem ridiculously jealous. 

I can’t seem to find a way to rectify what he’s done. Either I, once again, have to live with people having negative feelings towards me because of his actions, or he can admit the reason that I am insecure with their relationship, which could certainly cause some uncomfortableness between them and possibly get him fired. 

He also admitted to me that he discussed our previous open relationship with her as a means to give her ideas without being direct. This was long before he told me anything about his attraction to her. I take issue with this because it seems underhanded - he should have asked me before trying to get her on board. 

At this point I am not speaking to him, other than to discuss matters with our children. This is the closest I’ve ever been to divorce. He always seems sincere about regretting decisions but I feel like I’m constantly bending to make allowances for his mistakes. 

Advice?


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## renasicard (Jun 13, 2017)

You already know the answer to this heartbreaking problem. Listen to your gut. Listen to your heart. 

There really is someone out there somewhere who will truly love and respect YOU and your feelings. Please believe this and please believe in yourself. 

We do. 


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd say that your H is a prevaricator and a liar of the nth degree!

Having said that, I really feel that you need to be scheduling an immediate visit with a good "piranha" family law attorney to fully advise you of both your property and custodial rights!*


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Life's too short to live the way you are now. 

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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

I think renisacard has hit the nail on the head here. You both want different things from your relationship and that will never work out in the long run. 

You've been brave and strong dealing with the past infidelity's and his behaviour now is just unacceptable. You can't stay with someone if they keep hurting you. It even if it's not a physical affair, his behaviour still amounts to mental abuse. 

I think it's time that he sees what he's lost. 

He basically wanting his cake and eating it. You deserve better love....much better. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, he puts coworkers over his wife and children?

Then let him make the arrangement formal by giving him what he wants...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

phoenix88 said:


> My husband and I have been married over 12 years. We’ve had infidelity issues (by him), but not for 9 years. It has been a long road to regain trust.
> 
> He started a new job 1 year ago and I found out he was hiding relationships with female coworkers. He assured me they were platonic, but later told me that he was sexually attracted to one of them, and hoped we could have a threesome someday. Obviously this was concerning to me. We agreed he would let me know if he was going to go out with them outside of work, and just be more transparent in general.
> 
> ...


No married man has any busy coming home in the early hours of the morning or the next day. Where did he sleep. You need to set the boundaries now, in fact I guarantee he has already slept with her. I would do the 180 on him immediately, ask him to move out of the house or bedroom, say you will not be treated with s much disrespect (he is breaking every rule in the book and making it look like you are the one with the unreasonable behaviour !).

Tell him he has a choice to make, you or the female work colleagues. Go see a lawyer and know what your rights are , tell him if he pulls that **** again, it will be the papers the next time. Follow through.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He's a serial cheater (whether emotional and/or physical) and not likely to ever change. 

So, what are you going to do about it? Play the pick me dance and settle for being second (third? fourth?) best? 

I sure hope not. You deserve better.

His suggestion for a 3some alone would make me pack my bags personally. He's not monogamous marriage material.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

aine said:


> No married man has any busy coming home in the early hours of the morning or the next day. Where did he sleep. You need to set the boundaries now, in fact I guarantee he has already slept with her. I would do the 180 on him immediately, ask him to move out of the house or bedroom, say you will not be treated with s much disrespect (he is breaking every rule in the book and making it look like you are the one with the unreasonable behaviour !).
> 
> Tell him he has a choice to make, you or the female work colleagues. Go see a lawyer and know what your rights are , tell him if he pulls that **** again, it will be the papers the next time. Follow through.


*This is an acceptable arrangement, @phoenix88 ~ provided that you are greatly satisfied with catching and nurturing other people's cooties and STD's, that he's probably bringing home to you!

To hell with any more chances ~ you and your family deserve far, far better!

It's well beyond time to go see that family attorney to hit him squarely in the middle of his backside with divorce, alimony, and child support payments!*


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ha ha you slipped in the "open relationship" at the end.

Sounds to me like we need to understand this better

Did you have clear boundaries and rules when you were open? Did you both agree to all 3rd party involvement ahead of time? Did each have the right to stop at any time and did you both agree to respect the rules?

This is very important because it set the base rules of your relationship


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He's not only a serial cheater, he wants an open marriage without you being ok with it. He decided to tell you if something happens with one of his female coworkers, isn't that nice of him? I'd say you're headed down the right path, you need to get rid of this guy. He doesn't care at all about your feelings only those of the multiple OW's.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You could always consider a polygraph


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Ha ha you slipped in the "open relationship" at the end.
> 
> Sounds to me like we need to understand this better
> 
> ...


Yeah, I thonk we need more information on this open relationship and who wanted it and who ended it. 

Even so, being married to a cheater and a liar is difficult. I would see a lawyer and get a better idea of what divorce would look like for you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

phoenix88 said:


> Advice?


I never advise to listen to one's gut. Instead, you have ample evidence of who you married 12 years ago to make solid decisions. You know who he is and you cannot possibly change him. I guess that you somewhat rug swept his affairs nine years ago. He could not have been completely remorseful and then act like he is currently acting (out all night, proposing threesomes, ect). Life goes by faster than we realize. To me, what you should do is pretty clear.


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## phoenix88 (Jun 13, 2017)

Thank you, everyone. 

The further clarify, the open relationship was a mutually agreed upon decision that went into effect shortly after I recovered from the last affair 9 years ago. It lasted less than a year and we agreed to end it together. We have been monogamous since. 

He brought up his fantasy of having a threesome with this woman as a result of me finding out about their friendship in the first place. It was his way of spilling the beans, basically, in an attempt to be completely honest. I'm not oblivious to the fact that he's still capable of an attraction or have fantasies about the opposite sex. I know that when he has said he's seen her outside of work it's always with a +1 or more. I think he has drawn his line at physical touch, however, when this initially came about I warned him about the effects of emotional affairs - how simply connecting with her on a personal level can lead to more intense feelings and increases the likelihood of having another affair. Now that he has divulged our personal disagreements, certainly painting me in a negative light, I feel like I just can't trust him with the things I have to say and he has opened the door for her to cause a greater disconnect if she's interested in him. 

I did not speak to him yesterday until long after our kids were in bed. His statement to me was that he was sorry and while he's not cheating he was trying to find a loophole, which is wrong. He said he was willing to do anything - therapy, new job, etc. but I do not think his underlying behavior will change. He has an intense desire to have his ego stroked and mainly surrounds himself with female friends. As for changing jobs, we moved to our current location, giving up family and a very comfortable life, to chase his dream. Having him change now will directly impact our future, what we have sacrificed for this far. 

It seems to me like I'm just shoving a monster into a closet. Some day it's going to get back out. The irritating thing is that I'm a very logical person (when I'm not angry and irrational ), I understand that biologically we are not meant to be with one person so I am capable of moving on, but when he lies/omits/hides it's like opening an old wound.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@phoenix88 biologically we are meant to eat our young during periods of starvation but I doubt many live by that standard these days (though in china in the not too distant past this occurred).

So forget that type of excuse for nonmonogomy

Many, many people are capable of, willing to participate in, and value monogamy. It's just not fashionable to talk about it these days when the poly crowd is more exciting and titilating to write and read about

If you want and value monogamy, then pursue it. You might have to retune your man-picker though if the crowd you are in does not value it 


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

phoenix88 said:


> Thank you, everyone.
> 
> The further clarify, the open relationship was a mutually agreed upon decision that went into effect shortly after I recovered from the last affair 9 years ago. It lasted less than a year and we agreed to end it together. We have been monogamous since.


So he is not in an open relationship then.



phoenix88 said:


> I did not speak to him yesterday until long after our kids were in bed. His statement to me was that *he was sorry and while he's not cheating he was trying to find a loophole, which is wrong.* He said he was willing to do anything - therapy, new job, etc. but I do not think his underlying behavior will change. He has an intense desire to have his ego stroked and mainly surrounds himself with female friends. As for changing jobs, we moved to our current location, giving up family and a very comfortable life, to chase his dream. Having him change now will directly impact our future, what we have sacrificed for this far.


Can you explain the difference between cheating and trying to find a loophole in the rules of your marriage? They sound like exactly the same thing to me. Don't let him convince you that it's not cheating because it is cheating on your marriage.



phoenix88 said:


> It seems to me like I'm just shoving a monster into a closet. Some day it's going to get back out. The irritating thing is that I'm a very logical person (when I'm not angry and irrational ), I understand that biologically we are not meant to be with one person so I am capable of moving on, but when he lies/omits/hides* it's like opening an old wound.*


It's not like opening an old wound, it IS opening an old wound. One that he clearly doesn't see as a problem.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Phoneix please stop mulling over this and making excuses for your H. I would suggest you consider moving back to near your family with your kids. Let him chase his dreams, skirts, etc after you give him the papers.


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## jdjd (Jun 4, 2017)

The bottom line is you need some assurances (that sound reasonable) that he is unwilling to provide. If after this many years his infidelity is still not resolved, I think it is time to start on a new path. Like some other posters have said, it does not sound like he's changing. Morality aside, if the two of you are not in agreement, then there is a problem.


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## phoenix88 (Jun 13, 2017)

Right, we have not been in that kind of relationship in a very long time. I think he thinks as long as he's not physical, it's not cheating. He's not willing to go that far but he's testing the waters to see what I will allow in the future. 

It does all come down to the fact that he can't be satisfied with one person. I did not tell him that what he wanted would happen, I simply said (initially when we discussed) that I can't say for sure how I'll feel in the future. I'm sure to a guy who primarily thinks with his other head it's misleading. 

My struggle with this is that he's a fantastic father. He's very involved. We split duties 50/50. He is helpful around the house. He is otherwise considerate and puts up with a lot of my quirks. One of our children has ASD and I'm concerned that for this one the trauma of a divorce would be magnified. He would not understand the separation and we have finally reached a point where we have finished 6 months of assessments and have him in home therapy as well as school therapy and placement. As for moving home, I have no family. The family we left behind was his. I'm sure they'd help to an extent but it's not really the same. 

Part of me feels like people make mistakes. We've gone quite a few years without any, mostly related to not letting me know things. Typically we learn from our mistakes, however, and he has as far as knowing not to get physical - but clearly he's just pushing boundaries as much as I allow, like a child. I don't want to be militant about who he keeps as friends, what he can talk about with coworkers. It seems ridiculous. 

If I separate the issue from the past - it was really him just not informing me where he was going and later, going out with friends after an event (it was only about an hour and he did end up coming home an hour earlier than I expected). That's not to make an excuse. His relationship with this person is not okay. I just want to make sure that if I make the decision of divorce it's actually worth the emotional damage I'll be causing my children. :/


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