# Battling my paranoia



## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

Hi everyone. New here. Found this forum by chance. My story isn't about infidelity between my spouse and I directly. It's complicated. It's twisted and some may say sick. I am not looking for approval of what took place. I am not looking for analysis of what took place. I am looking for ways to fight my own paranoia so that I don't do something that might jeopardize my marriage.

Okay, this is a long story. My apologies for the novella. 

About 14 years ago I met my current wife. We met online in a focused discussion forum not unlike TAM. The subject wasn't relationships but instead dealt with material objects that people can be passionate about. She and I had never really interacted with each other on the forum. No direct responses to comments and certainly no direct messages. One day this guy decides to go off on her for no real reason. He was rude on a level that made my jaw drop. Attacking her not simply as a flame post but on a deeply personal level. As a fairly new member of the community I was shocked that anyone would write such vile, hate-filled words to someone over a ridiculously minor disagreement over an item. The disagreement was a personal preference issue. Not false information. Nothing but her opinion versus his and he made it known her opinion was wrong in his mind.

I waited for a mod to step in or a more senior member to step up and call the guy out. Hours went buy. The view count was increasing but the post count stayed the same. The more I re-read the thread trying to understand how he got to that level of disgust the more angry I got. I was raised to respect all humans but especially women. I probably shouldn't have but I responded to the guy telling him he was way out of line and owed her, and the community, an apology. 

That didn't set well with him. He got ugly with me. I offered to meet up with him so we could settle our disagreement in person. We lived in the same city and his signature had a picture of his car, which I recognized. In the end he didn't take me up on my offer but did decide to apologize after I posted a picture of him sitting at a red light in front of me. Think what you want about that but I resolved the situation. 

Unexpectedly, she sent me a direct message. She thanked me for standing up for her. Told me she was in tears over the hateful things he had written and was planning to leave the community to avoid him. She was a very active member of the community so it would have been a loss of a good, knowledgeable person. We sent a few messages back and forth. The conersation focused on what and why the guy had attacked her, for which she had no answer. At lesst not one that was ever shared with me. 

That was a one-time conversation and I assumed that was simply politeness on her part. Several weeks went by and my activity on the forum was less than normal due to work. Out of the blue she sent me a direct message. It was common knowledge from my posts that I was married. She was engaged and asked if she could chat about married life.

We discussed how married life is different than even living together before marriage. Over time the conversation covered pretty much all aspects of married life. Yes, we discussed sex in marriage and even how our sex lives were with our partners. We didn't get graphic or sensual or discuss personal desires, sexual acts or anything else you wouldnt speak about in front of your spouse.

We slowly became friends and I became a sort of mentor to this young girl. Hindsight says she may have been attracted to the mental image she had created of me in her mind. We had never shared pictures, not even headshots, with each other. I enjoyed the friendship but believe in transparency in marriage so I made certain my wife was aware. I let her read the conversations and even asked her input on some things I was being asked by this girl. My wife at the time wasn't bothered by the friendship as it was strictly online and she had full access into every conversation anytime she requested. 

The conversations over time were moved to an instant message platform. This made it easier to chat. Again, my wife at the time had full access to the conversations if she wanted. She didn't and told me she knew me well enough to know I would never cheat on her. She did tell me to be careful because I am not very good at recognizing when a woman has interest in me. I assume that no woman has interest in me outside of friend zone material. Hell, I even thought my ex wife wanted to keep me more as a friend with benefits than a husband. That turned out to be more truthful than I knew at the time. 

As friendships grow you take small steps at becoming closer as people. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and started to text each other. Once again, I informed my wife at the time and offered up that she could read any of the conversation she wanted. Our cell plan at that time even showed the conversation so deleting something wouldn't have gotten rid of the improper behavior. Everything was above board.

It seems we texted much more often than I had realized. My wife at the time confronted me about texts exceeding a count of 1000 in a month to my friend. She had read the conversations and she knew I wasn't cheating but it made her uncomfortable that I communicated this much with this girl. We talked and her decision was that I needed to end all contact with this girl. Truthfully that was a bit painful. I enjoyed mentoring this girl and I enjoyed the conversation. I didn't have the option of going out to make new friends due to a grueling work schedule. The girl and I lived across the country from each other. I had been transparent about the friendship and the conversations. However, my wife meant more to me so I informed the girl we couldn't talk anymore. She was sad but understood. I told her that my wife at the time was okay with us still talking in the public side of the forum but that I was leaving the forum to prevent any potential damage to my marriage. 

I choked down my sadness and feeling of loss. My wife at the time was happy and in time the feelings of a lost friendship passed.

A couple years go by and the girl sends a message to my then wife. She asked if it would be okay if she sent me a friend request. That was approved and our communication started back up in the public timeline of FB. Then she sent both of us a DM asking for some advice. To my shock my then wife sugested that the girl and I text about it as I was much better at giving advice. 

So we texted but I made certain to keep communication limited. I was happy to be speaking with my friend again. It turns out there was a reason my then wife probably allowed that communication to resume. That's a different story altogether. 

The girl had gotten married but things were a bit rocky. Something I had warned her to really think about before marriage was their fairly large differences in religious beliefs and backgrounds. This was causing her a great deal of distress now that she was fully married. I offered the best advice I could. That they both needed to really resesrch and understand each other's religions and then work on a way to respect each other's belief systems. He could convert, she could convert, they could stay separated in the religious realm or they could try to meld their beliefs into one. Regardless of what they decided they needed to communicate.

My life was pulling me in a different direction at that time. It was a lot of decision making about the future, my career, my then wife's career and continued pursuit of a JD degree. We made the decision to live apart so I could further my career with a once in a lifetime opportunity. She would be completing her undergrad in less than 3 months and had plans to attend a law school in the city where the job opportunity existed for my career goals. It all seemed to be coming together quite well and while we were both nervous about living apart it was short term and we would see each other on the weekends. At least that was what we discussed and planned. Her motives may have been that during the discussions but soon changed and rapidly. 

Skipping over most of the details, as graduation approached for my then wife, I found myself rarely getting to spend time taking to her, much less seeing her. She was always too busy with school, she said. She ended up communicating one last time with me after a couple weeks of minimal contact. She showed up at the apartment we had rented and told me she was divorcing me. It wasn't open for discussion or MC or anything. She claimed that I had abandoned her. I still don't understand that as we had discussed our plan in great detail and planned everything out. She even came in with the idea of living apart short term. I later found out the real reasons and one of those, the lesser of her decisionmaking factors, was that she had been turned down by all the law schools in that city. 

As divorce goes, I was in a very dark place. I went reclusive. I worked and I went back to the apartment and stayed hidden. I didn't talk to anyone including family. My life was destroyed and since I didnt have all the backstory I didn't know that I wasn't solely to blame. My now ex wife had kept it quiet on social media until it was officially over. My phone rang for quite some time with friends and family reaching out to see how I was doing. I lied to them and said I was fine but I wasn't. 

The girl saw the post from my wife and sent me a text. Asked the typical stuff about me being okay. Typical statements about how I would survive. She tried to get me to communicate but I didn't want to talk about my life or problems. I asked her to tell me about her life in hopes it would take my mind off my own problems.

I wasn't expecting what I heard nor how it would affect me. Her marriage was horrible. She wrote to me that her husband had cut her off from sex starting the morning after they got married. It had been six months and she was depressed. She didn't know what to do. I didn't have any advice to give. Hell, I broke my own marriage, or so I thought, so I was the last person to give anyone marital advice. I read as she wrote to me about their life together. He was verbally abusive in my opinion. He had never offered her a reason as to why he wouldn't have sex with her and he forbid masturbation of her owning any sex toys. She was young, very sexual and very high drive. She was at a loss and the lack of sex was making her angrier by each passing day.

She hadnt shared this with me prior to it happening but she had spoken to his slimy POS "best friend" about the problems to see if he could help her find out what was going on with her husband. He offered to help but not how she expected. His solution was to sleep with him to relieve her stress. He even whipped out his manhood in his kitchen with his wife in the next room so she could see "what she is missing". He was packing quite a bit of length apparently. 

She thought on the offer. She knew it would be cheating. She knew it woud be wrong but she also wanted sex so badly she wasn't making good decisions. Hormones can be as hurtful as they are helpful. She made the decision to do it. She didn't seek my advice before she committed to the deed. However, she did seek my help in a very odd way. 

She told me of her plan and that she was nervous, excited and scared. She was scared that he might hurt he thinking he could get away with whatever he wanted since she couldn't tell anyone about the encounter. I suggested calling it off but she said it was to late. I think she could've stil called it off but she was so horny she wasn't making good decisions. Her request to me was that she wanted me on the phone listening. I was given the address where they were meeting and if what I heard sounded like she was in trouble I was to call the cops. 

It was a bit awkward but I agreed for her safety. I didn't really know what to say but I was worried for her safety. She would have gone through with it regardless so it wasn't like my refusal to listen would've changed her mind. 

As the time approached for their rendezvous I found myself growing very close to her emotionally. I knew I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her marriage or our friendship so I couldn't speak of my feelings. I also found this twisted feeling of excitement and arousal at the prospect of overhearing two people having...no, lets be more honest...two people ****ing like animals. I still cant reconcile that feeling and have quit trying. 

So the time arrived, her phone was connected to mine. Her phone was in her purse so I couldn't hear every single detail but I heard enough to know that A) she wasn't being hurt or at least not in a way she wasn't enjoying, B) that I was turned on by overhearing them ****, C) he may have gotten her off but his lengthy manhood was 'quick to go off' and D) that I was feeling deeply hurt and sick to my stomach. My god, I have feelings for this girl was the realization that swept over me. I just heard a girl I really like cheat on her husband and **** a different guy. 

I wanted to vomit, masturbate, cry, be angry, go climb under the duvet and go back to hiding from the world. All at the same time. My mental state was already a shattered mess from my divorce. Now I have a flood of feelings to contend with. I had found out a few days before that my ex wife had been cheating on me for close to a year before she decided to divorce me. It was all I could do to keep it together. 

There's a feeling you get when you find out someone you love has cheated on you. It hits you in the gut and feels like you're going to puke. I knew that feeling well as I was still feeling it when I listened to the girl having sex with this other guy. The thing is, I kind of liked the feeling. At least at that moment. It was feelings not associated with my barely two months old divorce. It hurt. It made me sick. It made me sad. I felt betrayed. I felt alive. I felt aroused. I felt horny. I felt closer to this girl. I felt confused and I felt lost.

We didn't talk on the phone after she finished with him. She got in her car and turned on the radio. That was my cue that she was okay and safe.

I heard from her later that night. Something was different though. She was very timid with me. She eventually wrote that she was ashamed. I told her guilt is exepected. That infidelity may seem fun in the moment but that it comes at a heavy price. It was then that she wrote words I never expected to read. She wrote that her guilt had her feeling like she had cheated on me. She confessed that she had been feeling "something" with regards to me. 

I didn't know what to say. She was married. She may have just cheated on her spouse but it wasn't with me. I didn't want to be the other man. I didnt want her to cheat. It was wrong, yet I understood why she had made the decision to step outside the marriage. Understanding doesn't mean condoning. I didn't know what to do other than to write back that she was married. I guess that was enough because she left the conversation alone and switched gears to talking bout how great it was to finally have sex again. She went into detail of the act since I heard but didnt see what took place. She had asked if I wanted to know. I did and didn't. I mean I had heard enough to get an idea but I didn't really know. So she told me in detail. Explicit detail. Detail that over the course of my life I have found to be common when women are talking to other women. For the record ladies, "locker room talk" is WAY more tame than what ya'll share with each other. 

A bit of time goes by and instead of being satiated by her little trist she is hornier than ever. At least those were the words I read when she messaged. I get that sick feeling in my gut again. I think I know where this is going and I don't like it but I can't say anything. I haven't told her that I felt cheated on. She told me that but she is married and even though her actions may have taken her outside of her marriage it wasnt with me. I debated trying to tell her husband what I knew. I didn't know how to get in touch with him and I didn't want to betray my friend even if she was betraying her husband. I guess that makes me no better in this situation. Not having my head screwed on right wasn't helping me with my own decisionmaking skills. 

A bit of time passed. She and her husband were avid gamers so it wasn't uncommon for them to both be on PC headsets and talking to other people. She invited me to join the game and as such be able to talk to her instead of IM or text. I agreed. I didn't have anything else to do in my time off work. I still didn't feel like socializing with anyone, except her. I was growing more and more fond of her each day. It was reaching a point where hiding my feelings was a exercise in maximum self restraint.

It wasn't long after I started gaming with her and speaking by headset that our conversations were leaving the friend zone, little by little. In one conversation I remember in detail Inhad asked her how things were going with the husband situation. They had a date planned for the upcoming Saturday night. That made my heart ache but I was also happy that there seemed to be a positive direction in her marriage. She was my friend regardless of my other feelings. Feelings she didnt know about, doesn't know about to this day. She inquired what I was getting up to and I told her nothing. I would be home like normal. She sent an emoji of a sad face and a happy face. I didn't understand. I assumed a mistake in her clicking the wrong emoji and left it alone. 

Our conversations had gone into some graphic details about what we enjoy sexually. I knew that she enjoyed various things and she knew I enjoyed some of the same things. She likes anal sex when she is a bit intoxicated. Her husband at the time was opposed to it but if he was drunk she could get him to satisfy her needs sometimes. He would demand that they never speak about it. He would also be grumpy for a few days afterwards if they had anal sex. It hadn't happened since before they married. 

I didn't know but that date they had planned was their one year anniversary. They went out and I guess got a little drunk. Unexpectedly I get a messsge that says "mute your mic and answer". So I did. She wasn't there. I heard nothing but some faint talking or noises in the background. So I keep listening. I don't know what is happening and this is so unusual. Then it starts to become clear to me. She's having sex with her husband. I felt really awkward. I should've hung up but I didn't. I listened. She was very vocal and I found out later that was on purpose. She was being extra vocal so I would know what was happening. She was hoping I would become aroused and masturbate so I had a good night too. I guess it was her way of trying to be sweet to her friend. Or just a strange drunken idea. Or she was getting more aroused at the semi-vouyeristic nature of me listening.

We talked about it the next day over audio chat. Her husband was at his parents so she could speak freely. It was a long discussion and I came really close to spilling the beans about my feelings. I think she was there as well. Instead she decided to send me some very private pictures of her. She said she wanted me to use them to pleasure myself. That she had been going without sex for a long time and since I was always there for her she wanted to give me something I could use for inspiration.

I expressed concerns about her actions. She told me that he made it clear to her the night of their anniversary that sex was off the table except for the anniversary night and even that wasn't his preferred option. He would rather just game. Having just seen this girls body I couldn't imagine not having sex with her every night if I were her husband. I've never been a video game addict so maybe the draw is greater than I understand. 

Obviously her actions changed the relationship between us. I was once again still hurting from overhearing her have sex with another man. At least it was her husband and I didn't have any claim to feel the way I did. It was still quite the mind****. 

Anyway, his ultimatum about their sex life didn't set well with her. The "best friend" had been hitting her up for a while to have another go. She had been telling him no and hadn't been telling me of his requests. She didn't have to tell me. It really wasn't any of my business. In the meantime I had started to pull myself back into a more human form. I was going out with coworkers for drinks after work. I even met a couple girls. 

I didn't think there was ever a possibility of this girl who was a big part of my life ever being anything other than a friend. I knew I had to get over it and quit the head games I was playing on myself. Still, I didn't know how she would take it if I told her I was going to have a girl over to my place. 

I told her. She didn't say anything about it but I could hear the heartache in her voice. She joked that I needed to leave an open mic for her. She was serious even if she pretended to be joking. I knew that the girl that was coming over was only coming over for sex. She had told me as much. She didn't want a relationship but thought I was cute and wanted to see if she was right about my sexual capability. She had told me she figured I would be a good lover and needed to find out. How could I deny her the chance at discovery? Okay, fine, I wanted to get laid. It was mutual. It was fun. She wasn't very good at sex. Yes, I left the mic open. I didn't hide what I was doing. The girl was aware so don't attack me for violating her privacy.

At this point I am in a seriously ****ed up space in life. I am in this weird web of strange behavior and the more ensnared I get the more it seems okay. 

So the girl, who is becoming more girlfriend, didn't take listening in as well. Told me it excited her in the moment but she didn't want to hear it again. Oh man oh man did I want to confess my feelings then and there but I didnt. I knew why she felt the way she did but in my twisted reality I still hadnt done anything to damage her marriage or our friendship. I now know I was lying to myself but in that moment it seemed rational. 

The girl decided she needed to get laid since overhearing me. Again she asked me to listen in should he get violent or hurt her. Oy. Okay. I listened. It was a super quickie. He got spooked before she ever had a chance to get off. He ended up getting off trying to put his **** away. I guess he was overly excited. I listened as she told him her husband was going out of town and she would be home alone all day Saturday. He said he would be by to see her and they would have more time for fun. By the way, he is also married. 

Saturday comes. Yes, I am listening in. He managed to last a couple minutes longer this time but still not anything that would impress anyone. She put on a good show vocally. We chatted the rest of the afternoon. She told me she had s surprise for me. She sent me a link to download the video of them ****ing. She had recorded it as evidence in case he got violent. I think that may have been a bull**** excuse by this point but maybe she had reason to believe he was like that. 

She wanted me to watch it and comment on it. A scenario where I was to tell her how hot she looked or how hot the video was. It really wasnt that hot in the sense that it was more like 'caught on security camera' sex than 'porn' sex with regards to the video. 

I tried to watch. She heard me puke. She asked what was wrong. Was I okay. Was I sick. Why did I puke. Rapid fire questions. I broke down. I told her how I felt. I told her everything. I finished up by telling her that I didn't want her to leave her husband or to think twice about what I had told her. She tried to lighten the mood by telling me she was just relieved that the site of her naked didn't make me puke. In the moment it was quite funny. 

We never talked about that confession again. She didn't step out of the marriage again. I didn't listen in again if she was having sex with her husband. Time went on and it was obvious to me that my confession had done something to our relationship. She wasn't cold but there was a distance that hadnt been between us prior to my confession. 

Lots if time passed. Her husband became ill. Major medical issues. He refused to take care of himself. He started carrying various weapons everywhere he went, including sleeping with a gun on his hip. He was mentally unstable. He was becoming increasingly more angry with everyone in life and way more agressive in his actions. He threatened her more than once with a gun. He refused to seek medical help, IC or MC. She leaned on me for advice. I urged her to do everything she could to hold the marriage together. Marriage vows mean something and in sickness is exactly where he was at. She tried. She really did. While she had stepped out of the marriage with another guy she really did step up to try to help her husband. 

He became paranoid towards me. He demanded she break all contact with me. I voluntarily stepped back to give them the space he felt they needed. She still contacted me but by email only and still seeking advice. None of the past close conversations breaching risque territory happened. She changed. It was obvious. 

I knew at this point that she had actually grown up and was taking marriage more seriously. She stayed long past where most people would in today's quick to divorce society. She begged him to get help. Begged his parents for help in convincing him. The whole time he railed on about me. I wasn't in the picture at that point. I offered to even talk to him and let him have his say. To tell him the truth. The full truth as I knew it. She didn't realize how much truth I would've given him. 

A few days later he pulled his gun on her and pulled the trigger. He missed her. Whatever state of rage he was in at that moment he snapped right out of it. She said it was as if he flipped from one person to the next. She decided not to leave right then and there. She managed to secure the gun for the night and slept on the couch. She didn't know what to do at this point. If he agreed to hand over all weapons would she still be safe if he got physically violent? He was a lot bigger and stronger. She wouldn't be able to fight him off. She called his family and they came over the next morning. 

His dad demanded he relinquish all weapons and to voluntarily leave to go to the hospital for evaluation. He didn't agree to the hospital but agreed to giving up the weapons. At least the ones that everyone knew about. When she got home from work she found him sitting at his desk with a pistol. 

She says that the argument was a blur but she took off running to get out of the house before he started shooting at her again. She felt she had no choice but to leave. She begged his family to get him into medical care as he still listened to them. They refused. Said she was making things up and that they had heard his side of the story. He couldn't explain the bullet holes in the plaster walls but that didnt matter. She was the one who needed medical help. It all got very strange. 

She spoke to her father. He told her she needed to leave. Divorce. Get out fast and do it quick. He hired a moving company and had them waiting around the corner to come in, pack her stuff and get her out while her husband was at work. I found all this out later. I was not communicating with her during this period. She contacted me when she had moved out. Her divorce was granted. She changed her name for a while so he couldn't find her. 

Time went by and she managed to start to heal. I was helping her by listening and being available when she needed to talk or cry. We were back to just friends. Her birthday was coming up and she asked me to come see her. Said it had been a rough 3 years for us both and she wanted to buy me a drink and vice versa. I didn't object and figured it would be a quick weekend trip.

What can I say. That weekend started us dating. We spent most of a year dating long distance. Flying to see each other as often as we could. We married 9 years ago. We have two great kids and a great life.

I don't think she would ever cheat on me. I really don't. However, there are times after reading too many threads on this site that I start to wonder. She is always on her phone. Always. She sleeps with it next to her head. We both do. They are our alarm clocks. I can pick out red flags but then there is nothing to back up the suspicion. Other than talking bad about me to her girlfriends when we have been arguing there is no evidence of cheating. Only the actions that I see in so many threads here. 

So I must be paranoid. I know many will wonder if I knew she had cheated in her past why would I decide to take the risk to be with her, to marry her. I can't give an answer more than to say that I love her. I believe people can make mistakes and you don't judge them solely on their past. I gave her a chance and I am happy I did. Life is great. I just wish I could shake the feeling that invades my mind and has me wondering if she could be cheating on me.

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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I only new two women who cheated on their husbands while having an affair with their next husband. Both cheated on their second husband too. My sister is on her third husband. Men do that too. I am the only guy in my group of friends who was never divorced. One is on his 4th wife. He keeps cheating with younger girls, has kids with them and now is trying to pay for all of their college tuitions and almost bankrupt. 

Our best friends met when they were both cheating on their previous spouses. They tried swinging and wife swapping to see if that would end the cheating. It did not. She is now with her boss and her husband with a woman who lives on the block where he lived. I never gave a woman a second chance and good thing too because both of them went on to cheat on their husbands and one cheated on her husband with a woman she is now married to.

I read some article that I used to post here which basically said that if the cheater was truly sorry and took all the blame and not made excuses as to why they cheated, you had a chance. If they said that they cheated because of what their boy or girl friend did or did not do to them, then they are more likely to cheat. My questions are always the same. How do you trust someone who has proven that they cannot be trust at least once or more? How do you believe someone who is a proven liar? How can you stop worrying about someone who resolves their problems by cheating? I never seen cheating end well in the long run. They may get counselling and try to make it work but the fact is that adults rarely change who they are.

I would constantly have a knot in my stomach every time she came home late, went away for a few days, acted suspicious, etc.. The problem is that I would feel this way whether or not she was actually cheating. I could not live like that or marry someone with a past like that.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

That is the longest thing I've ever read on here. And maybe the creepiest.


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## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> .....
> How do you trust someone who has proven that they cannot be trust at least once or more? How do you believe someone who is a proven liar? How can you stop worrying about someone who resolves their problems by cheating? I never seen cheating end well in the long run. They may get counselling and try to make it work but the fact is that adults rarely change who they are.
> 
> I would constantly have a knot in my stomach every time she came home late, went away for a few days, acted suspicious, etc.. The problem is that I would feel this way whether or not she was actually cheating. I could not live like that or marry someone with a past like that.


Your questions are valid. I don't know that I can give an answer that would satisfy you. 

Everyone lies. We either forgive the person who lied or we don't. I made the choice to not judge her solely on her actions with a different spouse. The same way that I chose not to project on her, or any other woman, the actions of my ex wife. I have certainly made some bad decisions in life. Were I to be defined solely by those decisions then I imagine my life would be much different. 

I generally don't think about her actions back in that era of her life. At the young age of 21 is when she made these mistakes. Again, we have all made bad decisions in life. Most young adults make bad decisions at some point. This is how we grow and learn. It doesn't make the bad decisions okay. It also doesn't make it okay to judge someone solely on those bad decisions. We all grow as people throughout our lives. 

My only problem is that after reading posts in this forum I can start to become paranoid. The signs of cheating can easily be attributed to other innocent behaviors. It is prudent to question and investigate if you see those signs. If there is no evidence to support infidelity then it's very likely there isn't any infidelity. 

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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Basically, you both proved you were not trustworthy. You both got what you paid for in a sense. I don't blame you for worrying. I bet she worries too.

That is one of the reasons cheating is a bad idea.

All I can say is both of you hope for the best and try to protect your marriage. You don't really have any moral high ground here.


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## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

Steelman said:


> That is the longest thing I've ever read on here. And maybe the creepiest.


My apologies for creeping you out. This isn't even the strangest situation I have ever found myself tangled up in. I don't know how I manage to find myself mixed up with people who are really strange birds. They start out as normal people, normal friendships, normal relationships. Somewhere along the way the script gets swapped out from a romantic comedy to one of those really messed up artsy films that focuses on sex and mentally deranged people 

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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

This is like a bad 'thriller' movie but only without a true good guy or really even a true villain .... just a crap ton of baggage that I hope the kids are being shielded from. 

If she hasn't cheated on you, which even without evidence or reason to believe, her personality and tendencies make her highly susceptible to it ... she will likely do so at one point. The only thing I kept thinking of is if she found her perfect mate where everything just seems to go along smoothly with no warning signs and issues, this might be a rare instance where the cheater doesn't suffer the same fate but you the phone habits and her talking about you behind your back point to more poor decisions. 

She has likely already found her next 'forum' guy but who knows.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

There are times when like poles attract. How on earth do you stay on line with someone who is having sex behind her husband and you are chaperoning her from a distance? That is frightening. 

Are you a lot older than she is or just a little bit older? If you are a lot older, will the paranoia not increase with time when age creeps up on you and she is still young?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's no telling what can go on in this day and age of smartphones always in hand. That itself may not be a threatening circumstance. 
Another thing...as others have mentioned, cheat once, likely to cheat again.....but at 21 the cheating may be a youthful (but was still responsible for actions) wrong choice.....

Clear as mud
Sorry about that. 
Hang in there.


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## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Basically, you both proved you were not trustworthy. You both got what you paid for in a sense. I don't blame you for worrying. I bet she worries too.
> 
> That is one of the reasons cheating is a bad idea.
> 
> All I can say is both of you hope for the best and try to protect your marriage. You don't really have any moral high ground here.


I am not worried. She is not worried. We both know our past mistakes. No moral high ground is claimed by either of us. Without writing a lengthy post, I know that my wife has ample available time for the opportunity to have an affair. I know her whereabouts and she knows mine (except when I am shopping for gifts for her). This is via an app on our phones. Neither of us go anywhere without our phones. When I traveled incessantly for work she never failed to answer my calls. Not once. We use video calls exclusively when I am aware with work. It isn't unmistakable proof of her fidelity but it's enough that I don't question. 

Life experience forms and changes who we are in life. My kids changed me in a lot of ways. I want to be a shining example to my kids of a good, honest, hard working, kind man and loving but stern father. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be anything other than imperfect. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you asked what she is doing on her phone all the time?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What I boiled all of that down too:

You had an online EA for many years. Your wife ended up getting sick of it, and started having her own PA and divorced you.

The OW got married, but the two of you continued your EA. She was horny and kinky and you loved it and partook in her physical cheating on her H more than once. He also got sick of your EA, and he eventually went crazy (may or may not be related). Then she divorced and you two finally became exclusive. She likes having mutilple men, and if she is that way with her phone, she is probably having at the very minimu an EA. Your parinoia is warranted. Her latest boyfriend probably listens to or watches you have sex. Lovely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Seems you both found a mate on at about the same level. My question would be with your horrible boundaries and decision making why would you expect anything else?


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## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Have you asked what she is doing on her phone all the time?


I don't have to ask. She isn't hiding her activity. I see her on FB, texting with her girlfriends, browsing Pinterest, shopping on Amazon. I have the password to her phone. She never puts up even slight hesitation if I ask to see her phone. I have her photos automatically back up to a cloud account. She knows this and if I don't see pictures I know she had taken noy not show up online then I ask for her phone and manually sync to restart the auto sync. I have extensive knowledge of technology. She isn't tech illiterate but she doesnt know enough to subvert the backup software. If she is having an online EA she isn't sending him/her pictures. 

Like I said, the evidence doesn't match up with the typical red flags listed on TAM. 

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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You were having an affair. Your wife divorced you. Now you are out of your depth with a younger woman who probably thinks you are a creep. Honestly I gave up reading your story after 200,000 words.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There were so many red flags with this lady, yet you still married her. I cant see how you can trust her at all.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

That was a crazy story. 

Why would she badmouth you to her friends?

That is sad.


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## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> There are times when like poles attract. How on earth do you stay on line with someone who is having sex behind her husband and you are chaperoning her from a distance? That is frightening.
> 
> Are you a lot older than she is or just a little bit older? If you are a lot older, will the paranoia not increase with time when age creeps up on you and she is still young?


I honestly dont know why I stayed online. I was very messed up emotionally. I had been through a very devastating divorce. I was not handling my own emotional issues. It's not an excuse. It's simply a fact. 

I suppose on some level I was using the situation to further inflict a deeper emotional pain by overhearing their actions. 

She is 11 years my junior. 

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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

one.strange.life said:


> MaiChi said:
> 
> 
> > There are times when like poles attract. How on earth do you stay on line with someone who is having sex behind her husband and you are chaperoning her from a distance? That is frightening.
> ...


The biggest issue here wasn't when you were online going through or feeling the effects of the divorce. The biggest issue was you being online when you were actively married.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

smi11ie said:


> You were having an affair. Your wife divorced you. Now you are out of your depth with a younger woman who probably thinks you are a creep. Honestly I gave up reading your story after 200,000 words.


Revisionist history lessons are always much longer than the original history lesson.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Just found this thread. Wow!!!! I think that's the longest opening post I've ever seen. Thank goodness it was in paragraphs.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Got halfway through, gave up, after not really caring about any of the characters in this story, sorry.

Some people attract drama into their lives at no fault of their own, and some actively solicit it. I believe OP is the latter.

Good luck.


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## one.strange.life (Jul 2, 2018)

Spicy said:


> What I boiled all of that down too:
> 
> You had an online EA for many years. Your wife ended up getting sick of it, and started having her own PA and divorced you.
> 
> The OW got married, but the two of you continued your EA. She was horny and kinky and you loved it and partook in her physical cheating on her H more than once. He also got sick of your EA, and he eventually went crazy (may or may not be related). Then she divorced and you two finally became exclusive. She likes having mutilple men, and if she is that way with her phone, she is probably having at the very minimu an EA. Your parinoia is warranted. Her latest boyfriend probably listens to or watches you have sex. Lovely.


Hmm. I suppose you could come to that conclusion based strictly on what I wrote. I didn't provide specific timelines. You're incorrect but you likely won't believe me when I tell you that. 

Original contact took place

Three weeks or so when second contact took place

Friendship established a couple weeks later

Ex wife asks me to halt communication around 3 months from initial contact. Ex wife had been having PA with numerous people for at least 6 months BEFORE initial contact. As a student taking night classes it was easy. The smartphone didn't exist yet.

OW, since you say it was an EA, was not yet married when contact ended. 

When contact was re-initiated the OW had been married for 3 months or so. That lapse between communication was in excess of 10 months. 

New communication was once or twice a week. It did entail discussions an hour or so long but not every day until after my ex decided to divorce. 

It was 3 months after divorce request before I really started to communicate with her, and my divorce was final in the courts. It was a week or so before that communication that an old friend called and laid out my ex's infidelity. She felt I needed to know since I was taking the failure as totally my fault. 

Her infidelity episodes took place not long after I really started to communicate daily. My actions during those episodes were not good decisions. I wasn't in a good space mentally. I was still dealing with a very open wound from finding out about my ex's infidelity. My decisions were as poor as her's were. I'm not pretending that it is anything other than bad decisions. If you psychoanalyze the decisions then I was probably using reality of two, essentially, strangers to relive the infidelity of my ex and drive the dagger deeper into my heart. I can't say one way or the other. I was doing good to remember to do the basics of life at that point. 

I may have unconsciously been entering into an EA at around 3 months after her first PA. My logical mind didn't saw her as off-limits, regardless of how I felt about her. When contact was broken at the request of her husband we had been communicating for a few months at most. His request coincided with a medical incident in his life. Prior to that he had never taken issue with us being friends.

His medical condition was sudden onset. The mental instability was due to affects on his brain from the underlying condition. The mental instability was easily managed with medications. He refused to even take medication that would manage the underlying condition, much less the symptoms. The last we heard of his situation he had come unglued on a new gf, wrecked his car on purpose by wrapping it around a tree but was recovering well and had started taking his medications as required.

I don't claim a moral high ground, nor do I think my wife would either. The situation was messed up on many fronts. I don't expect, need or want approval of my actions then or now. Every woman I have ever met, and known on any level that would allow me to inquire, has admitted to cheating. Every woman I have been with has cheated. I assumed that was just how it worked. 

I grew up in a home where my father constantly cheated on my mother. I saw the devastation first hand. I made the commitment to myself to never cheat. I know I will never do that. My wife knows how I feel about it. If she ever does she knows that divorce is the only option I will entertain. She knows I will seek full custody of the children and that would likely be granted. Do I think she is cheating? No. Do I think I have allowed the stories of cheaters on TAM to increase my paranoia and see things that aren't really red flags but resemble red flags? Yes. 


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