# One sided lazy sex & lack of affection



## Rndrer (Apr 28, 2020)

So my husband and I have been married for 2 years but been together for 5. Long story short, I’ve settled our entire relationship. We use to have great sex in the beginning where he would care about what I want but overtime we’ve been doing lazy sex that only focuses on him. I have never came by penetration only.. ever. He always finishes way too fast for that. So much so, that I don’t even get involved in the act in fear that I’ll just be left high and dry at the end. I have basically just kept this to myself in order to not hurt his feelings. But it’s been over 2 years that I’ve been settling bc he finishes quickly and I never do. I’m totally unsatisfied. We’ve both only had 2 partners before we met each other. Not a ton of experience. I’ve told him to research women’s body and try to find out how to get to our spots and make us finish! Different positions etc. he hasn’t. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore, not because I don’t love him but bc sex has became one sided and I don’t enjoy it and when I do start enjoying it, he finishes!! I would much rather use my toys! He also doesn’t really make much sounds during sex bc that makes him finish quicker and I try not to make any sounds in hopes to make him last longer. All of which is a huge turn off for me. We never try exciting positions, he’s kind of lazy and likes to lay on his side & its getting boring. He’s also put on some extra pounds so anything too crazy he’s totally out of breath. There’s so much more but that’s the main point. He now gets super angry when I tell him I don’t want to have sex. Slams doors and gets very upset and say I never think about what he wants. When in reality it’s the other way around. After having sexual dreams last night I basically just told him this morning how I feel. He seems receptive but I just don’t know how it’s gonna change. I tried to tell him to exercise and try to lose some Weight maybe he’ll be able to do more things. I also hate bed sex. I’d prefer to do it somewhere else. Kitchen, living room etc. I’ve told him this but he’s made no moves. And when I give him cues he gets distracted- he gets distracted VERY easily and hardly ever actually listens. I don’t want to settle my whole life. I feel like **** bc ofcourse I don’t want to leave someone bc of sex and lack of affection (he’s not very affectionate either) I’m very affectionate and Like to be touched and he again, doesn’t do that. So I’ve just been kind of accepting it and living with it but I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I need more & he’s not giving it to me. 
help.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Advising your H to study women to find the sweet spot is like looking for a needle in a haystack. From my experiences and reading this site, many women like many different things or that one special thing that works for them. My W is no different. Men are not mind readers. We are by and large idiots that need an instruction manual from our W. Have you talked to your H about your desires, needs and wants in the bedroom?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Rndrer said:


> I have basically just kept this to myself in order to not hurt his feelings.


Do you think that this is a good prescription for getting your needs even recognized, much less met? 

"Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained through ignorance."


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Do you think that this is a good prescription for getting your needs even recognized, much less met?
> 
> "Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained through ignorance."


Damn @Cletus , that was well said.

OP, it could be better for you if you didn't abstain from getting involved when having sex, and always, even if you have to finish your own O yourself it may stoke the fires of gets a little better each time vs getting worse

He's not responsible for your sexual gratification, you are.

Now, that said, us Hs do take pride in making sure our Ws have a great time too, when in the sack.

Or on the couch. 

Or on the table.

Or in the floor.

You get my drift. And a W that loudly expresses herself during sex has always been good, at least for me.

Hang in there!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Does your H know how to give you oral sex? I meant to ask that too.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Rndrer,

I realize it has been years and you are so frustrated now that you can't see straight, but I would remind you of two things: 1) men and not mind-readers so if you don't tell him he will not "just know" and 2) every single one of us is different. I am a female human who deeply enjoys sex, and you are too, and yet I'll bet you that what warms me up and starts a mood and what warms you up and starts your mood are different... what I consider a "move" and what you consider a "move" are different...and what puts me over the top and what puts you over the top are different...and what I like to do in the afterglow and what you like to do in the afterglow are different. 

So first thing I strongly encourage is being open and transparent with your husband. I have no doubt he is going to be sad to hear that all this time, he hasn't been pleasing you. Imagine how you'd feel if you discovered that all his orgasms the past two years had been fake! It would hurt, right? So yes, he needs to know the truth so he can address it, but it doesn't have to be presented like "Him vs. You" where he's the bad guy. Do your best to present it like "The Two of US vs. The Problem" and the problem is that you would like to share in or have equal orgasmic satisfaction between you both. Put bluntly, if he gets to cum, you want to cum too! 

If he is a male human who excites and finishes fairly quickly, why not start with him giving you an oral O and then when you have enjoyed at least that one, he can do his thing and enjoy his one? Or why not start with some toy play with you until you're close and then let him jump up and finish together? I suspect you have a several ideas of how you could achieve something that's more satisfying for you, so rather than listing a bunch of options or possibilities here, I recommend that you pick one you like--something you REALLY wish for that would REALLY work--and present it to him like "Honey, I would like to make a request. I would like to experience more sexual satisfaction and really get into an orgasm, and you know what would TOTALLY rock my world? If we *__ and then you __* and ____. I would like to ask if you'd be willing to try that?" If he's not--because seriously you love the man and you don't want to ask him to do what he finds uncomfortable or upsetting--ask him what he WOULD be willing to do. Like...does he have a modification to your request that would work for him? Then, give it a good try with best intent and openly let him know how it went, if it did or did not work, etc. Sometimes for myself, I find that he's "close" but not quite in the spot that would rock my world at the moment, so I will say "Oh babe, just a litle to the left! YES!! That's it!!" and then there ya go! I'm happy, and he's happy that he's got the moves! 

So open up and be honest with him--kindly. Make a respectful request for what you'd like.


----------



## DeEva (Apr 28, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Advising your H to study women to find the sweet spot is like looking for a needle in a haystack. From my experiences and reading this site, many women like many different things or that one special thing that works for them. My W is no different. Men are not mind readers. We are by and large idiots that need an instruction manual from our W. Have you talked to your H about your desires, needs and wants in the bedroom?


100%


----------



## desiresmore (Oct 15, 2013)

Ok, first of all, I want to say I’m so sorry you’re in that situation. I know first hand how awful being in a sexually unsatisfying relationship is. I think you’ve done the right thing by expressing the truth to him but you can’t control him or his behavior. He may also not be in a place where he can biologically control his sexual response either. Aside from the lazy side of it, premature ejaculation is a real issue, but its treatable. You guys could see a sex therapist or a physician who can help manage the PE and help you two develop a better sex life together. 

I do have some suggestions other than therapy though, things you can try at home! 

First, see if he can go multiple rounds by arranging for him to ejaculate before you have sex. Whether that be masturbation, manual sex for him, oral sex for him, etc. Keep playing after the first orgasm and either keep him hard or help him get back in the saddle for round two. Then have sex, see if his stamina is increased. Many guys train themselves to orgasm quickly due to hurried masturbation habits. It may take some time to develop a new pattern for him. 

Second, if you want to try other scenarios - he won’t read your mind. Setup your scenario, own it, make plans and setup the scene. If you want sex in the kitchen, plan for it, when he comes home from work or when he wakes up in the morning, be there with everything ready in the kitchen. Tell him you really want to try this and make it happen. Far too often we miss out on what we want because we want our partners to read our minds and “own” it for us. 

Third, I definitely agree that some exercise is in order. I know its hard and nobody has time or wants to do it, but see if you two can develop some way for him to get exercise together.


----------



## TerenceAlvin (Sep 6, 2021)

Hormone imbalances can cause many problems in female reproductive health. Common symptoms of low estrogen include fatigue, an increased risk of pregnancy complications, and breast tenderness/erections. If you suspect you may have a hormonal issue, get checked out by your doctor. I would advise you to try to have some fun on this interactive adult site. In this way, you will stimulate yourself to produce positive hormones. I think that this would be an intelligent solution without taking any pills or anything.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Yeswecan said:


> Men are not mind readers. We are by and large idiots that need an instruction manual from our W. Have you talked to your H about your desires, needs and wants in the bedroom?


Agree, OP needs to issue detailed instructions, "do this, do that, you can stop now".


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

after reading your story you need to sit down with him and tell him how serious you are but your needs and what you want. if you have already and he is not willing to change i would try a separation to maybe get him to see you have needs and you want them addressed. the fact that you admitted when you first got together it was great sex shows he is capable of giving you what you want but now is just being selfish and doesn't care about your needs. he needs to see how serious you are about this.. sex and love run hand an hand. it is very important to have both met equally.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is a massive zombie thread


----------

