# How much longer??



## helpme (Jan 11, 2009)

Ok, here is a update on whats going on(wife of 3yrs left me). My wife is still living with her friend. We bounce our son back and forth every other day.This is really becoming hard on me. I dont know what to do next. She told me that "we are two different people" "I need to figure out what it is we have in common anymore". we have been together ten years(married 3). I dont know what else to do. She gets everything she wants. She told me that she wants me to tell her NO and stand up. When I do this she gets pissed at me, tells everyone Im a jerk, and stops talking to me. Im in a lose, lose here. I love her and I love my son. We do have times together where its great.I think we should see consuling but she made the comment that" How are they going to tell me what makes me happy?" So i dont know what we are going to do. I need help with this. Should i say lets just get a divorce? I dont want all of this to effect my son or take time away that I see him. Everyday hurts more than the last one. she is 28yrs old and still hasnt figured out who she is. Well thats what I think. What can I do? I dont think I can continue being in limbo for weeks on end. Can anyone help me?How long is this going to take? PLEASE ADVISE!!!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

we all lose ourselves at some point because of life demands and constraints and the feeling of imprisonment within ourselves.
i went through this in october, i think im stil in the i dont know who i am zone, but im accepting it and im not unhappy. 
im just kinda getin on with life, not fighting it.
when this happens to me and my H , we just give eachother space and try not to fight it. 
it seems to bring back the calmness back between us and perspective and this isnt a bad thing.
unfortunately you wil b in limbo for a little while to come.
its not an easy thing she is in.
but like i say to most in these situations.
if you want your wife back. you have to change .
when you pick your son up, make an effort, dress smart, aftershave.
change your appearance.
a bit of reverse psychology. 
give it another week, ask her out for a date.
try and start courting again.
dont just get a divorce, there might be a chance to change and save your marriage.
but the basic to any new start is communication and being nice to eachother again.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Maybe she tells you to say NO, because you are a "people pleaser".

When you say NO, of course it makes the other person frustrated, but that does not mean it is bad.

When you say NO, mean it. And be ready for the reaction. If you can learn this firmness, you will be much more desirable to women.


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## helpme (Jan 11, 2009)

Thanks for the kind words everyone. It does make me feel better. We both finally told someone in our familys about what is going on. She told her mother(which is good for both of us). I told my brother. It felt good, gaining insight from what other people see. Maybe it is just that she needs time to think, and refall in love. If we go to counceling, whats that going to be like? Whats the first step on doing it?


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

It might be good to check if counseling is covered on your insurance. Some insurance companies cover mental health services.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have not been to marriage counseling, but have been to one on my own for a short time. One thing I never experienced, was being told what would make me happy. The experience was quite the reverse for me. I was able to talk about how I was feeling without any guard up and the counselor was able to help me sort some things out that I struggled with in my head...They may want to see her individually (and you) at some point so you feel free to talk openly...she seems to have some back-and-forth feelings regarding you and your marriage and this may help her to work through those feelings.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I have been through marriage counseling and it did help. Both us as a couple and for me as an individual. Picking one can be hard but I’d guess the first step would be for the two of you to discuss if you would rather deal with a male or female counselor. Once you have done that check with family members of friends that you know dealt with marital problems and see if they can make a recommendation. Take the first step and get into counseling. It can help.


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