# Reaching my limits



## rundownandtired (Dec 30, 2012)

There aren't many places to vent. I constantly try to explain to my wife what makes me angry, yet the baby steps that we make are so much less than my threshold for being annoyed constantly.

I hate to throw away a marriage and friendship, but my wife puts me in such a hard position. I will not bother going into history or how we got to this point. I think the present situation stands well enough on it's own. There is a constant back and forth of effort and periods of tension.

For months, I have been on my wife about bills. She will not share or give me her checks. I don't want to appear controlling and demand her money upfront. I like to let her have space. For a long while, she decided to be a student again. I'm not ashamed to say that we got food stamps because of it. I was happy to have help, but this is where the recent issues begin.

They got canceled. I called to complain. I asked how it was possible to lose them and stated the income based on what my wife told me she made. I felt like an idiot. The person on the phone told me my wife's income was higher than I thought. Clearly, we did make too much money during those months. The trouble was that I saw none of it. That means it also went to zero actual bills, only to her personal supplies and whims. The other trouble is that it enforced a larger lack of trust toward her.

I started getting on her case about helping out. I wanted to wait until after the holidays to have a big blow up about it. I hoped that she would make me feel otherwise by that time. She just got sick. I bet you can guess what comes next. She didn't bother paying for any insurance. The cost is too much and the new penalty is cheaper to pay she says.

That leaves me paying $100 to get her admitted.... money that I will never see again. I wanted to tell her how I just worked that whole day for nothing. Thanks again honey. She needed minor surgery. I don't even know where it goes from there. No one asked me about a thing. They gave her forms and gave her paperwork. I have a feeling that that privacy and direction toward her will end when the bills come due. It is funny. I have no direct say in approving the bills and treatments, but I sure bet that I will have equal responsibility in paying them.

I have to feel a little bad that she was sick, but that doesn't change the fact that her bad choices created all of the expense and hassle for me in that situation. The best part is that she is off work with no paid leave. She decided to stay with her mother to recover. I'm tempted to tell her to keep saying there. She literally pays nothing here and freeloads like a teenager.

Here is the part that really gets me though. Her friends and family actually have the nerve to look down on me. I hear about one of her friends having a conversation with a mutual friend. He says, “The impression I get is that she really loves and cares about you. You are the world to her. It just doesn't seem like you care as much. It is one sided a lot of the time.” He relays this to me from the sentiment of her friends.

It is hearsay true, yet it is very much the attitude that I get and feel. One sided? I pay all of the bills. I have to be the responsible adult for both our lives. I had to buy her car. I paid her insurance for it, which she never paid back. I lend her gas money. I told her to save up and get better winter tires for the car that I bought and decent tires that I replaced once. She squandered her money. I get looked at like a deadbeat for not “manning up” and buying her better snow tires.

In fact, I get looked down on by her, her friends, and her family for not buying or maintaining things. At some point, you have to step back and hope someone steps up to be responsible for their own life. If I keep buying everything, she will just keep thinking that is how it will always be. Frankly, I have done that for too many years. I am barely weening myself away from feeling guilty and bad all of the time. I can tolerate a lot, but I am at my edge right now. It helps to vent. I'm about one snide comment or remark from anyone she knows away from kicking her out.

As for money too. If I had it, I would just buy her stuff. I'm killing myself to make ends meet. I keep borrowing money and barely paying it back. It is so stressful and she bares none of that stress. I'm sure some of you know how it feels to keep figuring out how to catch up on bills, especially when you have new expenses or necessities coming in. I'm sick of that attitude too. 

She has the nerve always to act stressed out or tell me she had a rough day. She will get snotty with me or get on my case, when I just want someone to help me unwind a little. I'm sore. I'm tired. My head and back are killing me from work. These are things that she says. She works twenty expletive hours a week. I put in forty every week. Sometimes up to eighty hours. I should get a massage or some soothing here and there. I was working seventy every week. I just got sick of doing that only to see all of that money keep going to her being lazy. I decided that I would rather not die young trying to work the extra hours in vain.

I come home depressed half of the time. I see things that I bought or invested a lot of work into being mistreated. She treats everything like she rents it instead of owns it. She has no sense of pride or real value in any nice things or luxuries that we have. She goes to work after noon many days. She has three or four days off. I come home to full cat litter, dust built up, dirty dishes, clutter building up, random damaged stuff, etc, etc.

I find myself constantly thinking how many other women would appreciate a real home, land, random luxuries, complete stability, etc. Frankly, if I were going to pay all of the bills, I could have a trophy wife or some sort of full time maid. I might as well have a literal teenager in here with a fresh young eighteen year old girl. I would have the same level of commitment and responsibility, yet all of the extra frills. I don't really want that... I just am angry at the sad but true nature of the situation.

I would sure love to discuss this with her, but, like I said, it is baby steps. I have so much hanging over my head making me mad. I don't know how to dive into this discussion without pushing too far. I don't want to drive her into depression by throwing it all at her. I think we would only fight with no middle ground at all. There is no easy way to get her onto my level with these issues. At least, I have this venting to blow off some steam.


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