# not sure how to deal with his issue......



## not so sure anymore (Aug 30, 2010)

Let me just say for the record that i am by no way a blamer, but this is his issue that i feel is some how my fault when i know and he has admitted is not....
S is my husband just short of 3 years, my boyfriend 2 years before that and truly have known him for over 20, and i guess a needed point is he is 5 years younger then me....
Okay we both had marriages before this one, his lasted 10 mine lasted 11, his was for love mine was for a lot of other reasons but love not one of them....S got crushed by his first wife, and i do mean crushed....She was everything but a wife to him and he took it and kept trying to make it work....
After a year and a half we started dating and then married and well here we are...Now i knew getting him through his trust issues would be a challenge and we did, i knew getting him to love again would take work but we have succeeded, what i did not know was that after all this time has passed and us moving in a positive forward motion that in early June of this year he would wake up and decide to turn into someone i did not know or care to know...
Never the less after about 6 weeks of him being this man i did not know and quit frankly did not like we have a talk that ends up being very shocking and disturbing at the same time, he lets me know that i was getting to close and he was trying very hard and desperately to build a wall to protect himself from being hurt:scratchhead:
Wow is all i could think of at the time, because he admits i did nothing to cause the reaction ( i knew that much) and he really does not know why he did it either...S just woke one day and thought it to be a good idea to shut down and put a halt to our life, and cut me out emotionally....Well now i do not know about anyone else but to say i have not handled it well is a major understatement...
I have found myself being very over doing in everything including bed time, i find myself trying my hardest to get things back on track , i find myself looking up help on the issue from the internet, but worse of all i find my self struggling with the feeling of wanting to shut down on him as he did me but knowing 2 wrongs do not make a right and that at the end of the day it will not help
So what do i do, i try to go through each day as if it is like any other, like i know that eventually he will drop that wall and we will be okay again but inside i am wanting to just shake him out of his stupid self....S is till doing what he has done before work, sleep, and spend time with his family... The only true difference is in his eyes when he looks at me or in his tone when he says "i love you" its full of caution like he is just waiting for something to happen....Waiting for a sign from me or a marriage that things are not right....
Now let me state for the record, that up until June we had no arguments, or fights, there also has been no cheating from either party and our bedroom has always remained at its normal pace...Also a key point to make is S is aware of the problem and says he is willing to figure out how to over come it just not sure how or how long it might take but loves me and does not want to lose me.....
So what do i do??? How do i handle the everyday knowing that the wall is there???? How do i hold out on hope and have blind faith????? How do i handle the fact of knowing this would not have happened had his first wife not been such a evil person???? But i guess more importantly how do i know it will be okay and that i am not just waisting his life???????


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## not so sure anymore (Aug 30, 2010)

Can anyone supply me with some kind of advice as to where to go from here or what to do??????


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, I would suggest that he see a professional therapist, to get over this issue of his. You shouldn't be his punching bag.

Second, can you afford a few hundred dollars? I know a lot of people who have used the phone counseling over at marriagebuilders.com and who just rave about how much it changed their marriage. They don't waste time, just get to the point and guide you to fix it.

Also, there's a poster here called Affaircare who also does counseling, and she is amazing!

Finally, stop overcompensating. It makes you look weak, and he will lose respect (and desire) for you. Know your boundaries; explain them to him.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

I could be way off base here but it almost sounds like something I went through myself. I lost all interest in sex, and intamicy. I just kind of existed from day to day. I told my hubby I loved him but for some reason I just had no desire to kiss, hug, hold hands or have sex. I still could not tell you why or what happened to me. It lasted for almost two years. It had its up and downs. And then all of a sudden it was back. I felt so alive. Nothing happened with us that triggered it to stop or start. I think it all had something to do with getting pregnant and having our little one.
I can say that he stuck by my side for the whole thing. We had our share of arguments about it. He was not interested in listening too much about it. But he never cheated on me and he loved me. Although now that we are out of the slump I am finding out that it bothered him more than he let on. 

Not sure if I have helped or made things worse. But everything that I went through had nothing to do with my love for him. I was still crazy in love with him. It was a battle not only for him but for me too.


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