# Cheating husband depressed and cannot forgive himself, help!



## rocksteady (Jan 22, 2011)

His affair happened over 2 years ago. Remarkably I was able to forgive him easily and do not bash him over the head with reminders. He however, feels such incredible guilt over what he did that we are separated and talking divorce. I know he loves me and wants nothing more than to feel normal. 

After 1+ years of me begging him to seek medical help for depression he consented but we have not hit on the right medicine to make him feel anything but numb. 

Right now he is reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and he feels that he does not deserve happiness. I have made it clear that I need to see that he is working on our marriage and he just cannot do it. He feels the kindest thing is to let me go so I can find happiness with someone else. 

I don't know what to do at this point. This is our 3rd separation since the A. He said the knowledge of betraying me and disappointing himself and his dad weighs like a dark spot in his soul; it's ever present. 

I don't understand why he cannot just be happy that he has another chance to make our marriage work. Instead he seems to be wallowing in his depression. We counseled with our pastor shortly after the A ended and I thought we were better. Not so. 

Are there any books on self forgiveness you can recommend? There are many books on forgiving the WS but I truly have been able to do that. Thanks for reading thus far and would love constructive feedback.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Have you tried councelling or seeing a life coach together? After my husband cheated he admitted to being depressed and went for councelling. But I never got to be angry I had to be supportive. I saw a life coach who played out a fight with me which let me be angry at her, while she pretended to be him. She told me one thing she quite often gets couples to do is to have a fight/discussion about it, but each pretend to be the other partner. It helped me much more than I thought it would. It might be worth seeing if you can find a professional who can do something like this?


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## rocksteady (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you marriedyoung for your reply. We live in a rural area and counselors are few and not necessarily qualified. I know we have no one here who calls themselves a Life Coach. 

I too was never angry at him, just incredibly hurt. Now, the OW I could easily have torn limb from limb! He did say once he thought it might have been easier for him to forgive himself if I had been angry and acted ugly towards him. He was and is blown away by the fact that I so easily forgave him. I only know I did it with a lot of prayer and faith. Our M wasn't perfect and there was a lot of neglect on my part. DH is a good man who did a very hurtful thing to me with one woman. I can forgive that. 

Still hoping for other suggestions to help him get beyond his guilt.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Show him that you're there for him, and try to get him to see a therapist. He needs to see that he, too, is worthy of forgiveness. If you've read some of my other posts, you'll see that I, too, have a bit of a problem with self-forgiveness.
If you can, get him "How Good Do We Have To Be?", by Harold S. Kushner. It sure helped me thru some hairy times.


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