# can i believe her



## jiff (Apr 25, 2009)

been married for 23 years never loved anyone else found out that she has had affair with a workmate at work. i admit for years i have ignored her not been loving took her for granted.she told me she only kissed him twice and had sex once at work .she says she doesnt love him he showed her affection like i didnt.says it just happened and she doesnt fancy him can this be true . i have never been unfaithul.my problem is she says she loves me and it is over between them but i cannot hate her all iam doing is comforting her she did take an overdose when i found out can she really still love me for doing this to me or is she kidding herself she still loves me she wont tell me who it was. because she doesnt want me to get in trouble.i love her so much will the pain go away and can i believe her.i cant tell wot shes thinking she just keeps calling me a good man and cant believe she nearly lost everything please help to get my head round this


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## yazito (Apr 13, 2009)

It must be very hard to find out about this and especially to admit you have been taking her for granted. What I would suggest is for you to take terapy together and get her mental help. One person who is willing to overdose herself must be in need of it.
I recommend that if you are willing to help her without deciding anything you should do it. It must be kind of hard to make a decition with all this so recent. Give yourself time so you have a better view of your situation, make sure of what your feeling are and if you are willing to forgive her and if not at least you know that you did not rush into thing. Keep in mind that is not only about forgiving her but also about trusting her again and once something like this happens it must be really hard to do so. Think about what you want and of what you deserve in your relationship .


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## jiff (Apr 25, 2009)

i do trust her but i dont thin she is telling me the full truth incase she hurts me more but why dont i hate her all iam feeling is unbelievable love like the day we were married is this normal


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Read my post the road back from infidelity. Yes you can servive this and I bet she loves you very much. Another book you might want to read is His needs Her needs how to affair proof your marriage. There is a great chapter in there about surviving affairs. I cheated on my wife and she forgave me. Three years later our marriage is stronger than ever. It has taken allot of work and it still plays with my wifes head. I wish it didnt happen but I cant change it. I think what you need to do is not concentrate one what did happen but if you both love each other then you have to find ways to show it. Did she tell you about the affair or did you catch her? If she told you about it you can be assure she loves you very very much. She told you so you can understand how important your relationship is and that she needs your connection.

God Bless you


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One of the biggest reasons people have affairs is because they think they are missing something in their life. Attention, sex, common interest, excitment, intimacy, they can find any excuse they want. Affairs for the most part are a sympton of a bigger problem. In my book still no excuse but just how cheaters think. 

Your reaction to her affair is setting the ground work for it to continue. Instead of being furious you are comforting her, you seem to be feeling guilty for her bad behavior. She got to have her affair and now her husband is showing her the attention she wants. So next year when you forget to put the toliet seat down she will claim it's because you don't love her and she will go have another affair, why not, this worked out so well.

Please read your post a couple of times, do you see how one sided her thinking is? All the attention is focused on her. Cheaters are selfish, cheaters are deceitful, cheaters are liars, cheaters are morally weak people. She isn't telling you the whole truth, that's not to protect you, that's just a cheaters typical behavior.

Marriage is a lot of work, you will have bad days and maybe even some bad years. My marriage couldn't survive my wifes cheating. Maybe your's can, but it will be very hard for both of you. She has already proved when she isn't happy it's the easy way out to get what she wants, do you think she will commit to try and save the marriage? 

You guys need to talk with someone and figure out what the real issues are and figure out how to work through them or how to move on.

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cooper it right. Listen to him.:iagree:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Cooper said:


> One of the biggest reasons people have affairs is because they think they are missing something in their life. Attention, sex, common interest, excitment, intimacy, they can find any excuse they want. Affairs for the most part are a sympton of a bigger problem. In my book still no excuse but just how cheaters think.
> 
> Your reaction to her affair is setting the ground work for it to continue. Instead of being furious you are comforting her, you seem to be feeling guilty for her bad behavior. She got to have her affair and now her husband is showing her the attention she wants. So next year when you forget to put the toliet seat down she will claim it's because you don't love her and she will go have another affair, why not, this worked out so well.
> 
> ...



AMEN! I have spent many months in counseling because my husband cheated. He had convinced me it was my fault and I felt guilty. I can now say I feel no guilt; I was the victim. You are the victim here--not the cause!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to boot her for awhile. Make her work to get you back. You need to out her to all family and friends. There must be consequences to her actions, if there aren't expect a continuation and escalation. She will become desensitized to cheating if you remain on this course.


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## jiff (Apr 25, 2009)

no she didnt tell me i found out said it was just 2 times kissing then once sex at work the lad is 24 she is 41 i dont know if he just gave her attention to get wot he wanted or not am i sick i ask for his name and details of wot she did i dont know somehow i need to know


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

You said it was a work mate she had an affair with well what happens when she goes to work do you two have an open book relationship is everything transparent are you sure the affair is over these are questions I would be asking and you need to be stearn and not except this behavior what so ever you need to know who it was she was seeing or how you going to know she isnt seeing this person if you dont know who he is ?? I would confront her and not take a no for an answer she seems to be cotrolling you and the situation I see another affair in the future if you dont get a handle on these issues well good luck


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Peace,

You post 100% on the money.


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## jiff (Apr 25, 2009)

cant continue shes redundant in 1 week so no chance it will carry on hes getting married soon and she has never been late home so it only happened at work


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wont happen again? He's getting married? Sha hasn't been home late? So what, so what, so what! She is/was involved with another man. You trusted her before and she lied and cheated, so now she says it's done and you believe her? You need to get real and you need to grow some testicles! You can not just sweep this under the rug, she needs to prove to you over and over and over that she can be trusted. What others say about her being transparent is a must! She has forfeited her rights to privacy for some time to come. You need to see her text, e-mails, hear her phone calls, if she doesn't like it tell her to leave. This is not negotiable at all, trust needs to be earned and she needs to start at the beginning for you to ever trust her again. Cheaters become very good liars, how can you possible believe her at this point?

Cooper


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Cooper said:


> Wont happen again? He's getting married? Sha hasn't been home late? So what, so what, so what! She is/was involved with another man. You trusted her before and she lied and cheated, so now she says it's done and you believe her? You need to get real and you need to grow some testicles! You can not just sweep this under the rug, she needs to prove to you over and over and over that she can be trusted. What others say about her being transparent is a must! She has forfeited her rights to privacy for some time to come. You need to see her text, e-mails, hear her phone calls, if she doesn't like it tell her to leave. This is not negotiable at all, trust needs to be earned and she needs to start at the beginning for you to ever trust her again. Cheaters become very good liars, how can you possible believe her at this point?
> 
> Cooper


:iagree:

Jiff, I know we all seem to be really hard-heart on this issue, but most of us have been there. We speak from experience! Cheaters keep on cheating and continue lying to cover up. I'm a separated woman who was the VICTIM of an unfaithful husband. Guess what? The other woman can just have him. I know for a fact he is now cheating on her too. Once they start cheating, they just can't stop.

If you have seen my recent thread under the "Dating" section, you'll see I'm having a hard time finding someone to date. After being burned so badly, I'm picky about some things. In conversations with a prospective date, I try to approach the faithfulness issue. Some may question that, but it's a "deal breaker" for me. If they cheated on a former spouse, they would cheat on me too. I'm not even wasting my time! You'd be surprised how many of these men readily admit to cheating on the ex-wife. They think nothing of it; those who admitted to doing it, just kept justifying what they did. No remorse at all. Needless to say, I'm going out with them.

As Barney Fife (Don Knots) on the Andy Griffith show used to say, "Nip it in the bud". That's what it takes when dealing with a cheater!


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## jiff (Apr 25, 2009)

ive come to the conclusion marriage means ****all to some people ive never even contemplated cheating for 2o plus years and yes i read all phone messages emails and and have more spy programs than james bond shes got 1 chance and thats it maybe it was a mistake maybe not but 1 chance thats it.i told her i want aids tests at the moment i feel evil but ive got to protect myself i told her these are my demands and if she really is sorry shell put up with it


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Jiff,

Go for it, use that post as empowerment.

YOU ARE NOT EVIL USE THE DARKNESS AS YOUR STRENGTH.

Best of luck and freely post to me, man this is my post 28 yrs ago.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Country Girl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Jiff, I know we all seem to be really hard-heart on this issue, but most of us have been there. We speak from experience! Cheaters keep on cheating and continue lying to cover up. I'm a separated woman who was the VICTIM of an unfaithful husband. Guess what? The other woman can just have him. I know for a fact he is now cheating on her too. Once they start cheating, they just can't stop.
> 
> ...





Um no not once a cheater always a cheater because thats CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY NO WAY lets face it at one point in our life we have all cheated someone we ALL HAVE and does that mean that we are still doing it HELL NO we grow change learn DUH seriously that is the most crazy thing I have herd on here aside from the man who was cheated on 28 years ago that cant let go. BUT seriously not all that cheat are that way I dont know what you are thinking! seriously seriously seriously.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Sun,

Sorry no cheater here as a man, the expression of cheater again makes perfect sense. Once a person is penetrated or performs the penetration the marriage is over.

The thrill now is a part of life, whether practiced or not. 

The bounds have been broken.

You are so wrong.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Sunflower,

You are entitle to your opinion and I'm entitle to mine. I can assure everyone I have NEVER cheated! There are still a group of us who have never even tried it once! Nor will I ever try it once. That's not how I live my life. What some of us are trying to get jiff to see is that he can't be a "doormat". I should have gotten firm with my husband much somer and divorced him three years ago. I allowed myself to be victimized repeatedly.

Those who cheat only once are a very small percentage. Very small! My counselor also says statistics bear out this observation. And for the record I do know ONE man who cheated on his wife and changed his ways. The wife divorced him. This man has since remarried (20 years now), found God and has never strayed since. He is very RARE. Fortunately he talks to others very sternly on this topic.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Sunflower: Here's another one that has NEVER cheated, and I NEVER will. 

I've never even thought to analyse why I've never cheated. It's just not in my frame of reference - and I have had the invitations.

If I'm forced to answer, I'd say I don't cheat for moral reasons - and most importantly because of empathy. I've had it done to myself at least twice. I know what it feels like. It sucks. I don't ever want to be responsible for doing that to anybody else. I have to live with myself.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh brother you guys give me a break statistics show blah blah blah what you believe everything that you read. I know that people are HUMAN and everyone has done something in there life they want to take back. Dont tell me that your lives are perfect and you have not EVER done anything that you would never do again HELLO I dont care if its cheating or not cheating. You learn from that freakin mistake right.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Ah. Of course most people have done things they would like to take back. I thought we were talking specifically about cheating here. To me, that's a BIG thing.

When I was about nine, I stuck a pocket knife through a frog. I still regret that to this day. Does that count?

I'm not a religious person, but somehow I have ingrained: "Do unto others..." It works for me.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok there you go do you think that because you killed a frog that one time and YOU FELT BAD knew it was wrong but did it and wish you didnt HELLO same thing SAME THING seriously think about it. BTW thats sad killing a little frog SAD!


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

sunflower said:


> Ok there you go do you think that because you killed a frog that one time and YOU FELT BAD knew it was wrong but did it and wish you didnt HELLO same thing SAME THING seriously think about it. BTW thats sad killing a little frog SAD!


Nope. Sorry. Can't get the commonality between cheating on your partner, and a nine year old killing a frog. That's a little too "out there" for my taste.
Lol. I wish I hadn't mentioned the frog now. Is this what they call a threadjack?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I am on the never cheated team as well, even back when I was a single man in my youth I never cheated on a girlfriend. There are just some lines you CHOOSE not to cross. 

And yes Sunflower there are things I have done in my life I regret, but what are you saying, because once I stole a Hot Wheel car from Woolworths that makes me the same as someone who destroys another persons life by cheating? Lets stick with apples to apples comparason here. The collateral damage from cheating goes on for years and years, and I am not just talking the emotional damage to your partner. I'm talking about the damage to your families, parents, kids, grandkids, brothers and sisters, and friends. I'm talking about the damage to your life in general, all because someone was to morally deficient to say no this is wrong. People who cheat are selfish and short sighted. 

And as a single man I agree 100% with country girl, if I meet someone and they confess to cheating in the past it is just like turning off the light switch for me, not interesred.

Lets get back to Jiff's problem here. Jiff, your last post looks as if you are getting a little more forceful in the way you are handeling this and I am glad. But be very careful, don't let your guard down in a week or a month. Once a cheater knows they are being watched they become much more careful, keep your eyes and ears open but try and be a little stealthy about it. 

Hell of a way to live I know, but she will never tell you the complete truth, ask anyone on this forum if they ever got the complete truth out of their cheating partner.

Cooper


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Cooper's post is absolutely on target. I couldn't put it better myself. Sure you still love her but she needs to be comforting you. She needs to be showing you that she does love you. Sometimes when people do something they are ashamed of, its easier to transfer that to someone else. Seems to me she wasn't truly seeking to kill herself but rather to get your sympathy, now she doesn't have to face what she did. You do need counseling to get through this. I am in your shoes and its a tough road. But the outcome is different as we are all different people and there are those who make it through a partner cheating to have a successful marriage afterward. I hope you are one of them.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

SaxonMan said:


> Sunflower: Here's another one that has NEVER cheated, and I NEVER will.
> 
> I've never even thought to analyse why I've never cheated. It's just not in my frame of reference - and I have had the invitations.
> 
> If I'm forced to answer, I'd say I don't cheat for moral reasons - and most importantly because of empathy. I've had it done to myself at least twice. I know what it feels like. It sucks. I don't ever want to be responsible for doing that to anybody else. I have to live with myself.


Ever wonder why people who would never cheat, could never cheat seem to end up with those who do? Its seems a cruel twist of fate. I mean I think that by trusting another and being faithful you should get that in return right? A rhetorical question, and me just rambling...


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Thanks for the backup Saxon Man, Cooper, and AZMOMOFTWO. I just can't see how cheating can be such a minor thing. I's just a little inconvenience in life, right? lol Hopefully jiff gets the bigger picture and can start dealing with the problem now rather than later.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I am not saying that cheating is right by any means but seriously once a cheater always a cheater thats out there you cant say all people are like that its like saying once you kill another person you wont ever stop. I think thats BS. everyone can change. I dont know you guys whatever I am 26 years old maybe I am still young and dumb???


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Affairs are NEVER far from the minds of those who have been wronged. However... You can switch the re-play off as quickly as changing a tv channel. When it enters your mind, refuse to entertain the thought. I think of my grandson & often will give him a call - we both enjoy our conversations. It distracts my mind and I have someone else to think of other than myself. My H, on the other hand seems uneffected by this demon in my head. He goes about his merry way each & every day as if nothing has ever happened. Maybe he is just grateful for his life (smile)?


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

I dont think its a matter of cheaters ending up with non-cheaters. If we all had happy relationships/marriages, why would we be grouped here? So... consider the site you are on & then the possibility that MAYBE one of the two just cheated first!


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Private Eye Wife said:


> So... consider the site you are on & then the possibility that MAYBE one of the two just cheated first!


I probably shouldn't even say anything, but I can't resist. Earlier in this thread several of us said we NEVER cheated. I will stand behind my statement until the day I die! I find your statement of interest because my cheating spouse kept using that as an argument after he got caught. His comment was something like this, "It's my experience when someone is accusing another of an indiscretion, it is because they have committed the same indiscretion first". It didn't "fly" with me then and it certainly doesn't "fly" with me now!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Private eye wife, are you saying in any relationship it is only a matter of time before someone cheats? And it could be either party? If that is what you mean you are so far off base it's sad. There are many morally strong people in this world, to cheat or not to cheat is a simple decision. When it comes time to draw your last breath of life would anyone lie there and be thankful for cheating? When I die I intend for my last breath to be peaceful and without moral regrets. 

Cooper


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