# I sabotaged my reconciliation



## blueeyes71

As I sit here after my AA meeting and build up the muster to admit my faults once again ... I have sabotaged any chance of reconciling with my husband. I don't know if it was out of disgust, being selfish at the time, or just knowing that I deserved more. The humility I carry with me of the past few years of letting my husband down because of my drinking. I just cannot seem to get over the hurt of him not communicating his needs and wants prior to all of this building up to what it is today. I left my husband July 30th. I had a few drinks in me and we were discussing his daughter. There has been some serious underlying issues with his adult kids for some time, as he never included me in any decisions that occurred in the house when it came to them, (2 of them lived with us with one having a significant other). He indicated that his daughter was going to get laid-off and that we were going to financially support her until she figured it out. I lost it! It put me to my breaking point because at this point, we were already financially supporting two other adult kids in the house. They never paid rent, helped around the house, or taken any responsibility for their actions. He allowed them to rule the roost and I was not allowed to express my disagreement to it or anything. He never has put any structure, boundaries, and set goals to them or guided them to become independent for themselves. He does everything for his adult kids. I was at my breaking point. I couldn't do it anymore and it had effected our marriage to the point, that I took drinking as a coping mechanism to block out all of the toxic and chaotic environment I was living in. That night, I left. A month later, we agreed to work on reconciling the marriage. I got my own apartment while he lived in the home with the adult kids. This time, I was putting 150% into our relationship and doing it sober. Fast forward 3 months and 2 weeks ago, I was at our house. We had a great weekend, but my stepdaughter was raging in her room coming down of a cocaine high. To explain, my 22 year old stepdaughter is a mean raging alcoholic who has received 4 DUIs in less than a year. Three of which has occurred in the last 90 days. To put salt to the wound, I was told 2 weeks prior that she is using cocaine heavily as a substitution to not drink Vodka. She still drinks, but not Vodka. Crazy! I feel helpless. She cannot stand me as I have a completely different parenting style with my children. I have never allowed any of my adult children display the type of behavior and "bullying" that his adult kids apparently do to him. So, as I was explaining, 2 weeks ago she was raging in her room. My husband has not told me of her cocaine use. We are suppose to have a open and honest relationship. No hiding things or lying. As I thought we agreed on open communication. I don't know what it was, but even though we had a good weekend together, I just couldn't be there. I just got my things and left. He is absolutely pissed at me. I just couldn't say anything at the time, as we had a houseful of people. I just needed to leave and wrap my head around all this. But, he doesn't care and he doesn't want to continue the relationship. I am absolutely devastated. I should have just bit the bullet and stayed. Worked it through in my head on my own. I don't know!!!??? I am so confused, hurt, pissed, mad, heartbroken, sad. I have every emotion the last 2 weeks. Yes, a pity party of sorts. I was alone on Thanksgiving and not a word from him. I am trying to stay off of Facebook, because it is just too emotional for me ... but, I cannot help look to see what he is posting. I have not been on Facebook today, as I am afraid to see him posting how much he is having a grand ole time with his friends, (he posted like that the night before Thanksgiving). Friends I use to hang with him. Ever since I became sober, no one contacts me or anything. I feel like a disease ... that I am worthless ... useless. We had such a beautiful marriage early on. His oldest son and his girlfriend have been living at the house for almost 5 years. Just about as long as we have been married. It has always been about the kids and the house. Never about us. I am at such a loss. I just don't know what is going to happen? It is brutal. I am so deeply in love with him. I know he doesn't feel the same for me. He said he was trying, but cannot tell me how as I didn't feel the emotional connection. I felt like the reconciliation was all physical. He blames me and tells me he cannot handle my emotions being all over the place. As long as I do not receive divorce papers, I am clinging on hope, that with time he will reach out to me. I am not chasing anymore. I already did that. I just hope, that the saying goes, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" rings true. Sorry for babbling, but any advice is helpful. Thank you.


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## farsidejunky

Speaking as an alcoholic who has been sober since January 2014...

As near as I can tell, you did the right thing. 

What a toxic environment. 4 DUI's in a year? Cocaine? WTF?

Now...no matter how bad it hurts, not a damn drop of alcohol is to touch your lips. It will only amplify your feelings of loss.

Stay off of social media.

Your friends...or "friends"...are likely not only avoiding you due to things that are being said...but also because you are now on the outside due to being on the wagon. And you know what? Good for you. 

As for your husband...does he have any redeeming qualities? It doesn't sound like child development is part of them. Maturity is clearly not present. What are you losing?

Stay dark...stay dry...begin healing away from that toxic environment.
@turnera @CynthiaDe @Satya @Affaircare


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## VibrantWings

Getting out of that sh*thole that was part of the reason you wanted to drink was a wise move on your part. That whole scene is out of control and your husband is an enabler.
Keep hauling ass. Enable yourself on the road to recovery. 

Sorry you are feeling the pain right now....but IMO you did the BEST thing. 

And yeah, stay off social media. He keeps you on his friend list and posts what a wonderful life he is having without you? Bullsh*t, all of it. I would say that was intentional to hurt you. 

And yeah, I'm going to agree that you do need to make some new "friends".


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## blueeyes71

@farsidejunky alcohol is far from my mind. I have no desire and it definitely helps being in my own apartment even though this is the very first time in my life, that I have ever lived by myself. This is my 3rd marriage and I just feel like I am a BIG COMPLETE FAILER! I just don't know how a person can switch their feelings off just like that. One day you are in love with me and then out of the blue, you tell me you love me, but not in love with me. I just don't get it???? He denies he is enabling his kids. He feels that he is providing them guidance with his wisdom. As for his redeeming qualities, he is very caring to others. Always wanting to help. He is a hard worker, charming, funny, adventurous. He use to be romantic, but that hasn't happened in almost 3 years. I have been struggling to keep our marriage afloat for that long when he told me back in 2015 that he wasn't sure if he wanted to keep doing this for the next 40 years. But that is when I was drinking. He promised me when we agreed to reconcile, that he would support me emotionally through my sobriety and to tell you the honest truth, he hasn't. I have done it all on my own. He has done drive bys during my meetings because he doesn't have faith in me. It due to the lack of control since I have my own place. He has told people he has been to my meetings which is a lie. Since this last "split" if you want to call it that, he has been trolling my phone records, checking my EZpass to see where I am going, and where my apartment is, he can drive by easily to see if I am there and who is visiting me. I have had my blinds down ever since. I kind of feel like a prisoner. I haven't heard from him like I said, but if he wants it over why doesn't he just say the big D work and get it over with.


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## blueeyes71

@VibrantWings it is so stupid how I have to accomodate him still by having to hide and not interact on social media. I was so hurt the other week, I deleted pretty much 7 years of photos of us and untagged myself in whatever he tagged me in. Unfriended pretty much everyone we hung out together with and he is calling me immature and insensitive. Yet, some of his posts are so directed to me to make me look like the bad person out of all this. He claims I tell everyone lies about him and the situation when in fact I have hardly talked to anyone and have kept a low key because I do not want to put anyone in the middle of this god awful mess. I am just truly destroyed. I feel used physically, emotionally, and financially. We built a beautiful life and a beautiful home which my name is not on and now that we finished it this past summer, I feel he has no use for me anymore. Nothing like knocking a girl in the teeth.


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## Openminded

Love alone is not enough to make a relationship work. He's doing what's important to him and he doesn't want to change. You can't fix him. It's time to move on.


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## VibrantWings

It was hard for me when I split with my ex-husband to realize that all the years of being friends with HIS friends meant nothing. It was an eye-opener to find out he had been bad mouthing me to them all along. 

I'm betting your step-children are motivating a large portion of his behavior. They are constantly getting their bowls re-filled by Daddy who doesn't make them grow up. You are the evil step mother that is ruining their buzz (in their eyes anyway).
Since he no longer has your voice in one ear saying sensible things, he's probably getting dragged down by the undertow. 
This might turn out to be a real eye opener for him by the time it's over.

Give it time and hold your ground. You have to do the right thing for you.


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## blueeyes71

@VibrantWings I definitely have to agree with you on the stepkids. It is like he has guilt still lingering after all these years. He was married to his ex wife of 26 years. She wanted the divorce. I don't know if its a combination that he couldn't hold that marriage together and the kids are making him feel guilty about it and now he feels that he failed in ours because of my drinking, but never communicated to me how he felt. He just bottled it up. We really never had a chance to have our relationship blossom. We have been so busy with our home and all of the kids, (6 total), that I just don't know where it is going? Some people tell me to end the madness and then others tell me to give it some time, that he will come around eventually. Deep down in my heart, I know he loves me. That we are meant to be together. We are perfect for each other. You are right ... it is his kids. They are the priority and not me. I just don't know how he thinks another woman will come into his life and accept all that. His last text to me was, "Put yourself in my shoes." Like I haven't!!!! I have been in your shoes, and I have been behind you and beside you whether I disagreed to agree, disagree completely, but accepted it. I have been there to lift you up and support you in every decision you made whether I like it or not. I just don't get it!!!???


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## Satya

I hope you'll excuse me for saying that it doesn't sound like you had a marriage anyway. Parents will always be parents but there comes a time when your kids have to grow up and be on their own. And face consequences on their own.

You kind of sound like a glorified maid. Who wants that? You may miss him, love him, but I think he misses your ability to help parent and support his kids. They are clearly a priority for him over marriage.

You can't sabotage what is already broken.


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## Openminded

He may love you but not enough to prioritize your marriage.


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## Cynthia

Love can be a type of addiction. Our feelings produce chemicals in our brains and bodies. When the source of those feelings isn't there it can cause withdrawal symptoms. Basically you are going through withdrawal. The way to handle that is to refocus your attention to other things rather than obsessing over this situation. It takes a lot of work to constantly be shifting attention to something else, but that is the way to get past this and move forward.


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## MattMatt

Your husband sabotaged the reconciliation. Not you.


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## blueeyes71

@Openminded I know love alone doesn't make the relationship and I know I am not the priority in his life right now, but I know deep down in my heart he wants "US" and everything that we had together. His kids are the "noise" and it is preventing us on working on our relationship. I am going to keep believing that this will eventually work out. Until I receive divorce papers in hand, there is still hope.


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## blueeyes71

@CynthiaDe I am sorry but I don't believe it is an addiction. I truly believe deep down in my heart we are meant to be together. I know the man I met, fell in love with, and married. This is not him. I know I am not the priority right now and there is alot going on in his world, that he cannot choose between his adult kids and his marriage. I am willing to go through this journey and work hard. Like I said to another member, until I am handed divorce papers there is hope.


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## blueeyes71

@Satya all I can do is hope that we can eventually work things out. I am not going to give up. I believe in what we have. Until he hands me divorce papers there still his hope.


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## Satya

blueeyes71 said:


> @Satya all I can do is hope that we can eventually work things out. I am not going to give up. I believe in what we have. Until he hands me divorce papers there still his hope.


Sure, but if/when he does, you'll regret wasting all that time and energy on his unworthy self.

Time is the most precious commodity we have a finite amount of. Hope is great but I think it'd be more realistic if he showed signs of making you and the marriage a priority. As long as you keep playing the "pick me" dance with his family (kids), I just can't see that as happening.

For your sake, I hope things work out as you wish.


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## blueeyes71

@Satya I truly don't want to have the "pick me" attitude. I just want to be included and feel like I am a part of it. I want him to help me understand why. That is all I ask. Maybe if he explains his reasonings behind it all, I would show more compassion and understanding.


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## Cynthia

blueeyes71 said:


> @CynthiaDe I am sorry but I don't believe it is an addiction. I truly believe deep down in my heart we are meant to be together. I know the man I met, fell in love with, and married. This is not him. I know I am not the priority right now and there is alot going on in his world, that he cannot choose between his adult kids and his marriage. I am willing to go through this journey and work hard. Like I said to another member, until I am handed divorce papers there is hope.


I didn't say you don't love him. I'm saying the spiking of your pain is an indication of withdrawal symptoms from the chemicals in your brain. 

You said that he cannot choose between his marriage and his children. He just did. You have no control over that and thinking that you do is highly dysfunctional and bad for everyone involved. You cannot dictate what he can and cannot choose. That is not your place or your responsibility.

If you believe that you are meant to be together and do not want to stop thinking about him there isn't anything I can do to help you. I wish you blessings and peace.


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## Satya

blueeyes71 said:


> @Satya I truly don't want to have the "pick me" attitude. I just want to be included and feel like I am a part of it. I want him to help me understand why. That is all I ask. Maybe if he explains his reasonings behind it all, I would show more compassion and understanding.


I get where you're coming from. I do.

However, what could he possibly explain to you in words that he hasn't already shouted to you with his actions?


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## Blondilocks

He'll come around when he starts missing your paycheck. Sorry, but his actions reveal that he was just using you.


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## blueeyes71

@Blondilocks as of right now I do see that. He has been having no issues going out and hanging with his friends. So, he is spending money. He will feel the pinch when he has to buy oil again for the house and when he wants another project done in the home. We shall see.


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## blueeyes71

@Satya I understand what you are saying. Actions speak louder than words. I get it, but if he sat down with me and said, "The kids are living here this length of time and this is how we are going to get them here." Something to that effect. If I was included and felt a part of the situation, I would have not been so defensive and negative about it. Just telling me, that they will figure it out some day isn't enough.


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## Openminded

He can't tell you that because he has no idea how long they'll be there. Probably until they choose to leave.


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## VibrantWings

If he asks you to buy oil for the house, perhaps you should then take the opportunity to suggest that one of the other adults in his home to help him out. 

Maybe it will be a deep thought for Jack Handy....


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## blueeyes71

@Satya we have since talked. We are meeting for breakfast tomorrow. Right now, my recovery is priority and his chaos with his adult kids are his priority. I just want to be on common ground, act like respectful adults, and slowly work together and eventually we will decide if whether we truly want to have a life together. I will keep you posted.


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