# How much time should I give him to make up his mind?



## lella (May 2, 2012)

I'd like to give a little background information. My husband and I got married pretty young by today's standards at the ripe old age of 19. We both shortly after joined the military. We've been lucky enough to be stationed together all along the way. We both have a year apart in deployments together. My husband was my first serious boyfriend and I was his second serious girlfriend. Neither of us ever really lived the "single" life so to speak. It has not been an easy road and we have had our fair share of bad arguments. We've both made mistakes and hurt each other but we've never cheated or abused one another save some comments in the heat of the moment we'd both like to take back. In spite of all this I thought we were doing pretty well. I am more in touch with my emotions and I know my husband has usually been the more logical extreme. We both want kids but I am more comfortable and flexible with it than he is.

He came to me last night and said that he liked to be alone sometimes. There are also times when he thinks that he should not have gotten married, but that he does not want to lose me and that he cares for me more than anyone. He wishes he could have had a couple more years to grow as a person on his own before we got married. We both agree that initially we got married to be able to stay together in the military. He is afraid that he is not cut out for marriage the way that I am and that he will make a wrong decision by either leaving me and never getting me back, or that he may be staying with me so he doesn't hurt me. He communicated that he is very confused and and lost. He does not know what he wants out of life and marriage. He can't even tell me why he feels this way (I implored him to do some soul searching to figure out why). He is afraid of divorce...but I told him I don't want him to stay with me if the only reason is so that he won't feel guilty for hurting me. I have tried to stay very open minded about this. We both agreed that we love each other very much, but that maybe he is feeling this doubt out of selfishness? I told him I will help him through this the best that I can but he ultimately has to decide what he wants. We are due to change stations in 5 months and going through a divorce would be very inconvenient for both of us. He asked that I give him until we get to our next duty station for him to tell me what he wants to do. He suggested that I make the decision for both of us because he is afraid that he can't live with his own decision. I told him that I can not do this...that we would live forever in doubt and possible resentment of my decision. I don't want to rush him but I am very unhappy and even depressed in this situation (in limbo). I also do not want this to become something that gets swept under the rug and we don't talk about it anymore. This is a big deal I think and critical that we talk about it. He does not think a counselor or chaplain would give him good advice...that they would tell him to do what their opinion is instead of objectively guiding him toward doing what he wants/sorting out his emotions. However, I am willing to talk to someone if necessary. I have already given 5 of the best years of my life to this marriage and to my husband. As much as I love him, if he does not want to make the effort to make it work like I do then I want to be able to move on while I am still young (is it wrong to not want to wait years to know the answer?) . Am I being unreasonable to want to know sooner than what he has said? I don't want to give him a time limit or something for fear of pushing him to make a decision we'd both regret. What do I do in the mean time? I feel as though I should give him space to make up his mind...Should I even sleep in the same bed as him? He said he doesn't want me to live somewhere else, but I feel like I can't live like everything is normal right now. I don't even think I could have sex with him in the emotional state that I am in and I verbally expressed this. It's not out of resentment, it's just that it doesn't feel right.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I think it's really dreadful that some people think so little of marriage. It's something to do for all the wrong reasons or something to try on for size, only to change their mind later. It's just a word that becomes spoken vows with little or no meaning at all. You're not looking for my lecture, and it's not aimed at you anyway. I think your husband should be ashamed of himself. Nevertheless.........

I know your husband's revelation makes you very sad. I also know it is difficult to do, but you have to put this into perspective. You have not yet reached the age where a woman comes into her own, meaning you don't yet have the self esteem and sense of worth you will later acquire in life, I hope (since some women never do). You probably don't like me saying that, but it's true and not meant to hurt your feelings or offend your young years. I've been in my early 20s and know where you are mentally at the moment. I remember those years and have kicked myself for not being more knowing at the time, kicked myself for not having gumption. Alas, it's a fact of life that you have a little ways to go. It's just that right now, you are in need of a quickie course, so here is my lecture directed at you from woman to woman.

There are two issues you are dealing with in this. One is commitment and the other is your self esteem.

You are committed to your husband and your marriage, but obviously you cannot love enough for the both of you. You have your views of love and marriage, but what you believe and how you feel do not obligate him to you or to the marriage. You can't help the way he feels, you cannot fix him, and you can't change his mind. Know that first and foremost. So, that boils down to the fact that he is not committed, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Self esteem is what would have guided you to a decision in this. Making a decision is not about being afraid you, he, or you both might later regret YOUR decision simply because you are not making a decision for HIM or for the marriage. You are making a decision for yourself and your life, and having self esteem means you won't allow yourself to live your life by his (or anyone's) approval. So what if he later tries to blame you. Don't allow him to do that. Self esteem means it doesn't matter that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants to do. Him being confused hurts, of course, but you have to be determined not to live based on his confusion. If you had self esteem, whether to live in limbo would not be a question. Your sense of self worth would not allow you to live in limbo. 

Even though he wants you to decide in order to let him off the hook and give him an easy way out, that is just by-product of the decision that you must make without burdening yourself of possible future regret. What is there to regret anyway? He is not committed and doesn't want to be married anymore. Not making a decision places yourself in limbo. It isn't him placing you there. Be determined not to live according to his will, or in this case, his lack of will. 

You probably remember the scene in the movie "Erin Brockovich" when she said, "_All I've ever done is bend my life around what men decide they need_." You have to make your own decisions, hard though they may be. The first one here is to decide he does not determine your worth. The second one is to decide to pull yourself out of this self-imposed limbo. In other words, you don't give him any time at all to make up his mind. You make up your own mind.


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## lella (May 2, 2012)

I appreciate the response. Don’t worry; I’m not insulted at all. I happen to agree with most of what you said. I told him tonight I am not going to wait until we move in 5 months for him to decide whether or not he wants to stay in our marriage. He also suffers from self-esteem issues I think. Or at least he is uncomfortable dealing with his emotions. I told him exactly what I expect in a marriage (again). I don’t plan on leaving the issue alone either. I told him that he must do whatever it takes to figure out why he is feeling this way and if it will keep him from giving me his 100% effort to making our marriage a successful one. I don’t care that he won’t be perfect, but that he has the humility to admit when he messes up and to communicate with me that he is trying to improve, and that he must actively show me this effort. I was plain and clear that I am prepared to leave if he is not willing to do this. He said he won’t try to stop leaving if I don’t want to deal with this (another cop out). He doesn’t get it. Marriage isn’t just simply dealing with problems. It is about communicating and working through it, even if it means we are just agreeing to disagree on certain things…but at least we will have talked about it and still respect and love one another. I am confident that I was positively assertive rather than passive aggressive. Whenever it seems appropriate I will talk to him about this until he reaches a point that he will or will not want to commit 100%. If I reach a point when I don’t think I will get anywhere I will leave. I don’t know exactly how long this will take but I definitely won’t be waiting 5 months for this, probably not even one month. This is important to me, and marriage to me should last a lifetime. I love him enough to work through problems with him and have my lifelong marriage to him, I knew that 5 years ago when I married him. I don’t, however, believe in settling for someone who doesn’t love or respect me the way that I deserve regardless of when they decided that.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

He has already checked out mentally and if he stays than it will be because of reasons you'd prefer to not hear. People do not come to these conclusions by chance. It may just be the case of your love not being a true consummate love cause if it was there would never be a desire to leave or a split. 

This may be hard to hear but i am being honest i do not think one should try to make relationships work when one person is iffy about it. Its an unhealthy practice and i feel most relationship counselor's are going directly against what psychology says about human's and human emotions and socialization. In my opinion those who try to work out every problem and i feel relationship "experts" and counselor's are a large problem as most (imo) cause more harm as they are almost against the notion of having standards and finding what fits with your mental health.


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