# How can I get my H to calm down without lecturing or placating him?



## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

My husband is very easily stressed. He doesn't flip out or break things, or scream at me, IOW it's not at that level where you'd think it was abusive at all. He just always carries so much tension and stress and he has a million 'little over-reactions' every day. Most of them are aimed at our child. He nitpicks at him over every little thing, even when our son is trying to be playful it's like my H just doesn't get it. Everything is a freaking big deal. I'm starting to really feel like I am suffocating. We are in the process of obtaining health insurance and he's agreed to see an MC but until then I have asked him to do something to work on his stress. But I don't want to mommy him, I don't want to TELL him what to do. He always needs me to tell him what to do. With our son, with me, with himself. And the last thing I want is to encourage some kind of maternal relationship with him because he's my Husband, not my child. But it's my nature to be empathetic and counsel and offer advice, so I feel kind of stuck. I find myself telling him whenever he apologizes "it's okay, we'll work on it" or giving him advice. I feel like I am feeding the stress demon or something. Or playing into his codependence. It's really his fault and his responsibility that he is not in control of his emotions.

Anyway when I tell him I want him to do something, anything, to manage his stress, because it can't be good for his health either, he just says "I don't know what to do", or "I'm sorry". I did tell him he could try lots of things like dietary changes, exercise, meditation or breathing practices, hell even aromatherapy works for some people. Just try something. But he doesn't do anything. He just apologizes and that's it. It will be at least a couple of months before we can see a therapist. I really need this addressed like now though, I feel like I am suffocating, I feel like I can't even be myself anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Placating isn't the answer when you are dealing with someone like this.

What kind of nitpicking does he do with your son? How is your son reacting to this? How old is he? 

Habitual tension and "a million little reactions" a day = bad news baby. 

Question: why do you feel you can't be yourself anymore?


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Placating isn't the answer when you are dealing with someone like this.
> 
> I know but I'm not sure what to do because whenever I ask him to work on it he asks me how to or just says he's sorry.
> 
> ...


Because I might get an annoying little over-reaction from him, could be about anything. I'm a person whose spent far too much time walking on eggshells for people and while I'm all down for being constructive I just want to be able to be myself, when my H overreacts I am so calm on the outside but the frequency of it makes me feel like my head is in a vise that just keeps getting tighter.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

There is a reason for his anger and it's probably not you or your son. I've been that person who blew up at every little thing before and I can honestly say it's not fun for him either. I was aware I was a raging lunatic but had no idea how to stop it. The only thing that fixed it was therapy. I also really watch what I eat, I exercise, I take supplements, the works.

Would he be willing to try some supplements until he can get to counseling?


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*If you are able to stand it, I would just continue doing what you're doing until he is able to see a therapist. It seems as if he has a significant amount of anxiety and it is my clinical opinion that from what you have described to me, even if you did mother him and lecture him, it wouldn't make a difference. He needs professional help to get his anxiety in order and to get at the root of what's causing his anxiety to begin with. Once he receives profesional help and beings to explore and be made more aware of his anxiety, there should be signs of improvement. Hope this helps and good luck in the coming months!!!!!*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The way he is treating your son isn't ok: belitting the way he plays his games and yanking things out of his hand, making him feel bad. Does your son cry a lot? The fact that your son is asking if he is getting a new daddy should be of concern to you. Children are fragile little things and feel bad when they are treated poorly. Especially by the adult they trust.

You feeling like you can't be yourself around your hub in order to curb his temper is another red flag. You should be able to be yourself w/o the fear as to whether he is going to blow up and when. 

If he apologizes and is sincere and makes a genuine effort to stop the behaviors that are hurting you and your child, that is one thing. If he is sincere, he will own that how he is reacting is affecting you and commit to a change. 

You said you are tense around him cause you don't know when he's going to freak out/over-react, and in turn, curbing your own personality in order to placate him... changing your own behavior so as not to upset him or to prevent his next freak out. 

I was in a relationship like yours. My ex husband was emotionally abusive. It wears on you. It kills your spirit slowly over time. 

When you have told your partner that their behavior is upsetting you and making you feel bad and they continue to do it, you have two options: accept that is the way the relationship will be or remove yourself from that dynamic. 

The latter of course, is a last resort, but from your description, it sounds like the cycle.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have an entirely unique perspective, and I would like to ask you to read ALL THE WAY THROUGH and think about it before you just ignore my idea. 

I am willing to bet you $1000 that your husband feels like no matter what he does, it is never enough and like he can never do anything right. Go ask him if he feels like that...and then see if he feels free enough to tell you the truth too! The reason I suspect he may feel that way is that you correct him exactly the same way he corrected you son--but the difference is that he is an adult, and your child is in fact a child. 

Now again, before you get too defensive, let's look over your example about the video game. Let's agree from the start that ideally a parent should be understanding with their children, gentle, teach them how to make mistakes and do better, give them freedom to "not play the game right" etc. You're absolutely right, after all, your child is 6yo and just will not have the hand-eye coordination down pat yet. 

However, it is not YOUR job to teach this ideal to your husband, nor is it YOUR job to teach it to him in front of his child. What happened right there was that you successfully communicated to your son that what YOU think is important in this family, but his own father is not important and can be ignored. You also taught your son that it is "okay" to correct his father in front of you. Your husband is in a HORRIBLE position of having no leg to stand on!!! 

To try to get your mind wrapped around this whole new perspective, let's try an example with roles reversed. Let's say that in your family you are sort of the baking expert--you can really bake a good chocolate chip cookie! So you are trying to teach your son how to bake cookies and he keeps flinging flour all over the kitchen. You get frustrated, and in a "not ideal" parenting frame of mind, you say "If you're not going to bake these cookies right, you're not baking at all!" Then your hubby comes into the room and says, "You're being pretty harsh with the young'en there. Why don't you just stop stressing out and let him bake?" 

#1--Can you see how that would NOT put you into a relaxed "ideal parent" frame of mind, but rather, make you feel more stressed out?
#2--Can you see how that would that teach your son that you and your hubby are "at odds" and he doesn't really have to listen to you? If you say no he can just go to dad. 

My guess is that you do not mean to do either one of those! Your intention probably really is to help your husband de-stress and teach your son to respect his father. But the way to accomplish those goals is not to yell at dad in front of the child (even when he is "in the wrong.") Do you want to help him for real? Here's my suggestion:

1) When he does something like the video game, in front of your son you stand by your man! He says to your son, "If you're not going to play it right you can't play at all"...and when your son turns to you with the puppy eyes, you say, "You heard your father. What he says goes." Then you take your husband aside and make a respectful request: "Honey I realize you were frustrated there, but he's really only 6 years old. I would like to respectfully request that you reconsider and tell him he can play but you just got frustrated." THEN you let YOUR HUSBAND go tell his son that he changed his mind, and you let your husband man up in front of his son and admit he got frustrated. That way...your husband is just as important as you and what he thinks and feels, counts! 

2) When he seems tense and it's not due to something like the video game, do something with him that is stress releasing such as: take a walk, give him a massage, bring him some tea, etc. Don't talk about it. Don't "make him do something about it." Just stand up and go get him some tea (or whatever has worked to soothe him before).


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> I have an entirely unique perspective, and I would like to ask you to read ALL THE WAY THROUGH and think about it before you just ignore my idea.
> 
> I am willing to bet you $1000 that your husband feels like no matter what he does, it is never enough and like he can never do anything right. Go ask him if he feels like that...and then see if he feels free enough to tell you the truth too! The reason I suspect he may feel that way is that you correct him exactly the same way he corrected you son--but the difference is that he is an adult, and your
> 
> ...


He's literally tense 100% of the time he is awake. He carries it with him. I give him a massage once a week. We cuddle twice a day (in the morning and at night), I compliment him or express gratitude to him at least once a day (bc I'm more of a do things for people person than a talker or a cuddler I learned how to do those things for him). I have told him there are many things he can do to relieve stress, exercise and dietary changes, meditation, aromatherapy. Just try anything, but do something. He just looks at me and says "I'm sorry" and does nothing.


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> There is a reason for his anger and it's probably not you or your son. I've been that person who blew up at every little thing before and I can honestly say it's not fun for him either. I was aware I was a raging lunatic but had no idea how to stop it. The only thing that fixed it was therapy. I also really watch what I eat, I exercise, I take supplements, the works.
> 
> Would he be willing to try some supplements until he can get to counseling?


I get the impression he thinks supplements are a joke, whenever I mention them he says the ones I mention aren't scientifically validated or whatever, which I think is just his way of blowing off the concept. (I know for a fact that they are, I've been really into medical research since the sixth grade and I wouldn't recommend he tried something that hasn't proven to be effective, but he thinks HE knows everything)


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

So H says to me today he doesn't agree that he is stressed out or tense all the time. I said I feel like he is because he seems to react overly strongly to a lot of things (and I don't mean having an animated personality, my mom does and so do I, and many of my friends so it's not that). I said "you could be different at work, some people are more relaxed or more stressed at work." He nodded. I said "Do you think you're more tense at home and not just tense as a person?". He didn't really react to that. But I found it really interesting that he said he basically doesn't think he is that tense or over-reacts that much because to me he is one of the most dramatic people I've met in my life and clearly has a major issue with anxiety and having to control his circumstances. So I said "well okay then of course you're going to be apprehensive about doing specific things to curb your excess stress if you don't feel like you have any" and I kind of chuckled, and he said "right" and he chuckled. And I said "well that's more stuff for us to talk about when we see an MC when your insurance starts up, because I really want us to have a healthy relationship and I can see that we're perceiving things very differently."

It actually made me more worried though I did not express that at the moment. His entire family has told me that he is so easy to stress and can be so hard to live with, but he doesn't see it. Denial is a very powerful thing. Obviously he is not going to be motivated to work on something he doesn't see as a problem, or even real. I hope we can work it out in therapy, but IDK how he can agree with me that his stress is an issue emphatically and then just changes his mind, or maybe just admits he never really agreed with me about it before even though he said he did? I feel kind of hopeless about it today.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DrWife said:


> Obviously he is not going to be motivated to work on something he doesn't see as a problem, or even real.


That is correct.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Also something to consider that I have found surprising, IF it applies to him: Don't under-estimate the amount of caffeine consumption and how it may impact him. 
I would in the past drink 10 -15 cups of coffee a day, and am surprised how cutting that down to 3 or 4 cups has impacted my mindset... not THE answer, for sure, but something ot consider.
Good luck to you.


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Also something to consider that I have found surprising, IF it applies to him: Don't under-estimate the amount of caffeine consumption and how it may impact him.
> I would in the past drink 10 -15 cups of coffee a day, and am surprised how cutting that down to 3 or 4 cups has impacted my mindset... not THE answer, for sure, but something ot consider.
> Good luck to you.


He drinks coffee very rarely, but he eats really crappy food which I know can increase stress.


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