# How to morn and stay married?



## Lostmind30

Hey all, 
I have posted on here for about a month when I thought my husband was cheating on me. Well we took a vacation about 3 weeks ago and renewed our relationship.....then last Monday my baby brother passed. He was 10 yrs younger than me, but he was my soul twin. We shared everything and were just alike. He was only 20. Since this, I have been in a total zombie state and while I am trying...at least a little bit, the state of my marriage scares me. My husband was great last week. He took off work and supported me the whole time. He held me and talked to me and was the only reason I didn't go insane. The problem I am having now is that he is wanting our marital relationship to return to normal and I know he is not pushing yet, but I just can't. I have no love, joy or feeling in my body right now that desires that connection. I am just numb. I don't want to neglect him, but I can't be there for him yet. My question is.... how do I communicate this to him without him taking offense and making him think I don't love him or am not considering his emotions after he looked after me and my emotions all last week? We were just getting close again and I can't handle the stress of trying to keep my marriage together and deal with my brothers death. 
Any advice is welcomed......PLEASE.


----------



## Blanca

Im so sorry for you. I have a younger brother also and the thought of him dying is constantly on my mind. he is only a year younger then me and we are like twins. If he were to pass, which because of the way he lives is likely, I would be a zombie. 

I take it your H has never lost someone close to him? Its impossible to communicate to those who have no experience with this sort of thing. they will never understand. and the hard part is you dont even really understand this. you wont understand it until twenty years from now. I think you have to do your best to take care of you and let the cards fall where they will with your marriage. the best you can do is tell him you dont even understand what you're going through but you have nothing to give right now.


----------



## Lostmind30

Thank you for your reply. As far as I know, my husband has not loss anyone directly in his family, but I do know that he was close to my brother. Hubby actually was strong all week but then broke down during the visitation so strongly that we had to leave for a bit. I had another loving person message me and say that maybe the closeness between us is a way for him to show affection during this time and I think that has a lot to say. He is a very affectionate person so maybe he just wants that closeness. I can't say I am ready for that, but I will communicate everything to him and unfortunately just hope he understands. I want to be there for him, but I first have to get right in my head which is not happening right now. I just feel cold and numb inside and I don't think "relations" would lessen that pain. I hope he understands and is willing to help me work through it. 
Thanks again for taking the time to reply and providing me with somethings to think about.


----------



## Blanca

Lostmind30 said:


> I had another loving person message me and say that maybe the closeness between us is a way for him to show affection during this time and I think that has a lot to say. He is a very affectionate person so maybe he just wants that closeness.


It could be. when my H is upset, or im upset, he always wants physical touch. he gets very hurt if i turn him away, which of course is understandable. its challenging to separate yourself emotionally from your H and still whole-heardily love him. Its also challenging to allow yourself to be who you are, give yourself what you need, without feeling guilty because that might mean you cant give someone else what they need.


----------



## Foxyroxy

After our son passed away and we went back to the house I remember feeling numb like I was in a daze. I would doze off and on throughout the night, at some point I remember my husband had made love to me that night. At first I was upset and sick about it. I thought how in the world could he do that and I let him. The thought of our son laying cold and us............well it bothered me for along time. It wasn't till a long time later that I realized that this was my husbands way of being as close to me as he could that night. I mean we literally had been holding each other up throughout the ordeal, ad this made him feel like we were stronger. It is hard to explain but I have come to understand why it happened and I am okay with it now. I am not saying you should do anything you don't want to but I think when your hit with something so tragic you grasp at ways to hang on and maybe this is one of them.


----------



## kapyatie

I also lost a child 7 years back and I can relate to what Foxyroxy says about grasping at ways to hang on... and I think those ways are different for everyone and there is no normal when it comes to how to mourn the loss of a close and beloved family member, be it a son, daughter, or for Lostmind30, a brother. Getting through each day is too much to really comtemplate, at such times. The focus must simply be on getting through EACH MOMENT, nothing more. As with everything else in life, change is the constant and you can depend on it. How you feel today will change and at some point your grief crests and then breaks through to a new feeling, a feeling like life will indeed go on for the living and that its ok that it does. Its unfortunate we cannot ever have a way to know when that will be we simply have to wait for it getting through each moment while we attempt to reorganize our lives and turn our beloved person into beloved memories. Of course you would have no time to focus on a marriage through a bereavement(especially if you had some issues before), those close to you must understand you have a more important job to do while you reconcile your loss in your heart.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing

When my wife and I went through our own personal tragedy, our first pregnancy was a miscarriage. She did not want a DNC (Her choice, my opportunity to take the week off to help her through it). It was a long and painful week for my wife. The pain numbed her too. I was there to help and listen. Can your husband be that for you? Ask him when you are ready. The communication between us during that trying time is what was the beginning of our increased ability to help and communicate with each other. That experience and others since then have culminated to be how I share our communication style together in the article I wrote,  Marriage in Crisis. I know that your loss of your brother was a short while ago, but that does not mean that you will not still need support through your grief.


----------



## NessaRae

I am curious to see how you are doing now, but it takes at the very least a year to get back to normal in life let alone in your relationship. When my Daddy passed, he was in a motorcycle accident, I spent months waking up every night sobbing. I would start crying in my dreams to the point where it would wake me. Sometimes it woke my husband, too, sometimes not...
It's been three years now, and it still hurts. I still wake up crying every now and then. My Daddy for me was like your brother for you - we were the same person and we understood each other the way no one else really could and he was far too young. The longer he's gone, the more pronounced his absence is in some ways, less in other ways.
Just know that you can't expect things to just, go back to normal. It's a long process... something like healing, but more like coping with things being different and learning to deal. I assumed things would just go back to normal, I even went back to school, and I wish I could go back in time to tell myself to take the semester off and to take the time I needed to grieve.
Just be forgiving of yourself and be open with your husband - my husband is very regretful of the fact that I spent a lot of time crying alone rather than reaching out to him to allow him to support me. Just understand that there are times when it is okay to allow yourself to be held and comforted and that you don't always have to appear strong when you aren't feeling strong, especially to the person closest to you in your life, your husband.


----------



## Zzyzx

I have experienced this from the other side. From my perspective, I can tell you this is an issue that if left unchecked, can and will threaten your marriage. I'm not saying you should stop mourning now, I understand that it's a long process, but I am saying please do your best to get the help you need, you will be signalling your husband that the marriage is still important to you. That's what he needs to know, even as he tries to be of comfort to you.


----------



## Dan277

Lostmind30 said:


> Hey all,
> I have posted on here for about a month when I thought my husband was cheating on me. Well we took a vacation about 3 weeks ago and renewed our relationship.....then last Monday my baby brother passed. He was 10 yrs younger than me, but he was my soul twin. We shared everything and were just alike. He was only 20. Since this, I have been in a total zombie state and while I am trying...at least a little bit, the state of my marriage scares me. My husband was great last week. He took off work and supported me the whole time. He held me and talked to me and was the only reason I didn't go insane. The problem I am having now is that he is wanting our marital relationship to return to normal and I know he is not pushing yet, but I just can't. I have no love, joy or feeling in my body right now that desires that connection. I am just numb. I don't want to neglect him, but I can't be there for him yet. My question is.... how do I communicate this to him without him taking offense and making him think I don't love him or am not considering his emotions after he looked after me and my emotions all last week? We were just getting close again and I can't handle the stress of trying to keep my marriage together and deal with my brothers death.
> Any advice is welcomed......PLEASE.


I'm sorry to hear this, but things will get better for you I'm sure. If he's a decent man he will understand that you're going through a hard time. A decent man he will not judge you by what you are like at your worst. You might feel like you have no love now, but I'm sure that when you are feeling happier you'll feel like you have love again. Just try not to worry and I hope things work out for you.


----------



## Woodchuck

Foxyroxy said:


> After our son passed away and we went back to the house I remember feeling numb like I was in a daze. I would doze off and on throughout the night, at some point I remember my husband had made love to me that night. At first I was upset and sick about it. I thought how in the world could he do that and I let him. The thought of our son laying cold and us............well it bothered me for along time. It wasn't till a long time later that I realized that this was my husbands way of being as close to me as he could that night. I mean we literally had been holding each other up throughout the ordeal, ad this made him feel like we were stronger. It is hard to explain but I have come to understand why it happened and I am okay with it now. I am not saying you should do anything you don't want to but I think when your hit with something so tragic you grasp at ways to hang on and maybe this is one of them.


I can totally understand parents clinging together in the depths of grief after loosing a child. We also lost a son, and making love was a way of comforting one another when nothing else helped. 

My wife lost a sister 5 months ago, and I think it is going to destroy our marriage. She is still unable to have sex, and still crys almost every day...I have tried to be supportive, but think we will just be room mates from here on. I am in the process of mourning my lover now.


----------

