# Never really in Love...



## LookingforMeaning (Jan 28, 2009)

Hello - I have been considering ending my relationship and I found this forum through a search and there seems to be some good info here.

I will give a little background on my situation to see if anyone has some advice they would like to share. I met my wife about four years ago and we were married about three years ago. She had previously been married with a son. When we met she had been divorced for six months or so and son was a year old. At the time I was in my late twenties and looking for love and wanting to settle down.

We got married, even though in the back of my mind I questioned whether my love for her was deep enough - I never fully felt the sexual component of love for her. I think I was scared of being alone and she would make a "good wife". We got along great, I loved her son, and we never argued. I hoped that I would over time fall "in love" with her. Unfortunately this hasn't happened. Meanwhile I have become much more spiritual and through meditation and reading I realize that this is not the life that I want for myself anymore.

I often feel trapped and there are so many things I could and want to do, but she has a fragile ego and self confidence. Whenever I try to carve out space for myself, I end up feeling guilty and resentment builds. I very much care for her and our son - to him I am daddy and the only father he has. I am concerned about how she would handle my leaving.

I truly would like to remain friends and remain involved in our son's life - but not sure if this is possible or fair to ask of her. We have always gotten along with very little fighting, its just the lack of passion on my part. It is not that I have fallen out of love, but that the "in love" was never really there. I got married because she needed someone, loved me, i was afraid of being alone, and very much wanted to be a father. Not the right reasons I now realize.

I am wondering how to tell her that I am finished. I have tried to create distance, but I worry that once it is said she will not handle it well and I do not want to hurt her and have this traumatic for our son. How can I make this go smoothly? I know the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line is such a copout, but it really rings true.


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## andrews (Jan 25, 2009)

Sorry about the situation. I'm going through the exact same thing, except my wife recently told ME that she's never felt a sexual connection between us. She thought it would come with time, but it hasn't. Now she wants to separate. This all came out when she realized she had developed feelings for someone else. 

As painful as it may seem, you need to let your wife know how you feel. You can both then decide whether or not you want to work on the marriage. If you keep silent and wait, there's a good chance that one day you will begin to develop feelings for someone else and possibly cheat. That will be messy and your chances of staying friends and keeping your son in your life will dramatically decrease.

Hope everything works out for you and your family.


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

Tell her of course. I always like to know what's going on in my husbands mind. The longer you wait the more painful it will be. She will ask you "How long have you felt this way?" The bigger that number is the more it's going to hurt but answer honestly. 

Sounds like you've made up your mind and just not sure how to act on your decision.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

LookingforMeaning said:


> Meanwhile I have become much more spiritual and through meditation and reading I realize that this is not the life that I want for myself anymore.


I have been meditating for 31 years, so I am very interested in this aspect of your story. Can you tell me what you would be doing with your life right now, or in the near future given a free hand?


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## LookingforMeaning (Jan 28, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I have been meditating for 31 years, so I am very interested in this aspect of your story. Can you tell me what you would be doing with your life right now, or in the near future given a fre hand?


The meditation has helped quiet my mind and helped me realize I am not being true to who I am and I have not for a very long time. I would leave my comfortable six figure job where I feel I am not providing value anymore and focus on entrepreneurial endeavors. I would also reconnect with my family and old friends who I have not spent as much time with as I feel I should. I would greatly simplify my life and eventually hope to better define and align with my life's purpose. I would be more spontaneous and open to new adventures and relationships.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

LookingforMeaning-

Would that include leaving your wife?
Would that include becoming celibate?


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## LookingforMeaning (Jan 28, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> LookingforMeaning-
> 
> Would that include leaving your wife?
> Would that include becoming celibate?


I do believe it includes leaving my wife.

Celibacy is something I have not thought about - sex is definitely not my driving force in life. It woudln't be a goal but I would be ok if it happened and I was happy in other areas.


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