# If you love them, tell them before it's too late



## LoveTooLateForMe (Dec 10, 2020)

I’m a 45 year old male and was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my prognosis isn’t good and I have maybe 3 months left. I don’t want any sympathy as I’ve made my peace with this.

I have been friends with a lady we’ll call Sarah (not her real name) for over 20 years and in almost all those years I’ve been in love with her. Sarah and I could have never been together because she comes from a family that required her to marry within her culture and religion. I was ok with this as I knew this was the case from the beginning. I hid my feelings and buried them deep within myself and never let them resurface.

I met my wife in college, got married and had kids because “that’s what you do.” I was never truly in love with my wife, we had no passion. I grew as a person but she stayed the same, never growing or changing for the better. She worked for a few years, then became a stay-at-home mom and I resented her for this as I had to pick up overtime shifts, work all holidays, etc…to make ends meet and provide a comfortable existence for my children. My wife was neglectful, unaffectionate and had no sexual desire for me. After the youngest was born we rarely had sex – I was almost always denied and the little sex I did get was passionless and like sleeping with a dead fish. If I didn’t have kids I would have left years ago.

Sarah ended up dating a few guys within her culture and religion that didn’t work out and had an arranged marriage. I was happy for her as she seemed to be happy when they got married. I wasn’t sad at all because like I said I had buried my feelings deep inside and thought they were gone. Her husband is a decent guy, a good provider, but like most men in her culture he doesn’t express his love for her either verbally nor through any affection. She has two kids as well.

Our families hang out together occasionally and our kids are pretty good friends. Her husband is alright but he’s not anyone I’d hang out with outside of the families hanging out together and I’m sure my wife feels the same way about Sarah even though they’ve always been cordial and friendly. Now to be clear, neither Sarah or I have ever cheated with each other. We have a close friendship. We know about the problems in each others’ marriage and we give each other advice on how to work through those problems.

This all changed when I was diagnosed with cancer. I realized that I was still in love with Sarah and that my feelings had never died. They were just buried deep inside me. When I went home and told my wife of my diagnosis, her first reaction was “what are we going to do?” She didn’t ask me how I felt or what I needed, she was concerned about herself - I get it, she and the kids need to survive but come on, that shouldn’t have been her first reaction. She didn’t cry with me or even hug me to make me feel better. Only later that night she asked me how I was feeling. I was so hurt I just told her “I’ll be ok, just need to work through it.” I told Sarah a week later and the look of pain in her eyes destroyed me. She asked me how I felt and told me that she would be there if I needed anything and not to hesitate to ask. We spent a couple of hours talking about things, my plans for my family’s future, how I was going to tell my parents and brother, etc…
Last night things came to a head. I realized that I’m going to die in a few months and that I have nothing left to lose. Sarah and I were talking and I told her how I felt about her and that I had felt that way for the entirety of our friendship, but that I knew we’d never go anywhere because of her culture and religion. She began to shake and cry and told me that she had felt the same way over the course of our friendship. She wished that one of us would have spoken up all those years ago and that she would have fought tooth and nail against her family to be with me. We hugged (ONLY hugged, I won’t take it any further) and parted ways. We’ve spoken a bit today and things are back to normal. For both of us it feels like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders.

My advice to anyone in this situation: if you love someone and have a special connection with them TELL THEM TODAY. Even if the world is against you, tell them. Those feelings might be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a potentially awesome relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you married your wife knowing you didn't really love her and were pining for another woman and then couldn't understand why she didn't want sex with you and wasn't that worried about you when you got sick?

You got what you put in....very little beyond business. Did it never occur to you that maybe your wife felt the lack of love? That kind of thing destroys people.

How sad for all of you.

Regardless. I'm glad you've made your peace and wish you Godspeed. Your point is well taken.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry for what is happening.

You have done your wife wrong. You have admitted that you never really loved your wife. That isn’t her fault. Her actions show that she figured this out and knew who you really loved.

To be honest, your first reaction should have been about your wife and kids you are about to leave behind. But like you have shown throughout your post, it’s all about you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would take her saying what are we going to do as " What is our game plan to beat this?!"


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Hi, thank you for sharing this. 
You think maybe your wife was being selfish in asking 'what are we going to do'? Sometimes people's shock makes us respond this way. She probably didn't know how to process the news, and just stated something mundane. 

However, on a separate note,I think it was wrong to marry someone you weren't in love with, not fair to your wife and not fair to you. If I found out my husband wasn't in love with me, I'd probably be devastated and looking elsewhere to be honest. I CAN understand you telling the other woman your secret, but it's a lesson learned. It has been said that at the end of our life, we learn our lessons, I guess this was the big one for you and I'm glad you have shared it with us to help others.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sometimes when we are facing our own pending mortality are we able to think with a clear head, and sure perhaps you should have had this discussion about your relationship with your wife years ago, but quite honestly, how many of us are living a lie in our marriage and relationship thinking one day it will resolve it self or it won't but few have the impetus to take any or little action. And perhaps you miss your greatest chance at love with Sarah by never telling her the truth in your youth. And yes i do believe that your wife was rather cold in her response to your news but again i think that is systematic of the state of your relationship. you have three months, the bigger question is how do you want to send them, how do you want to use those precious moments with those you love and that includes Sarah. But keep in mind when you are gone what is the legacy you want to leave behind....may i suggest a couple things....write...journals, letters to your kids.....write letters for their milestone ages when you will not be there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m not seeing where he told his wife he was in love with Sarah.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not seeing where he told his wife he was in love with Sarah.


Oh wow, you're right. I thought he told her. It was about his diagnosis. Let me fix my reply.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not seeing where he told his wife he was in love with Sarah.


Just like with most men, women know when a husband is just going through the motions. His wife has also seen him interact with Sarah. I am sure that over the years she has seen for herself his true feelings for Sarah.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So my one question, how are you going to fix things with your wife? 

You know, the woman you married and was never in love with. 

The woman you took as your bride and lover that you never loved in return. 

The woman that might never know what it’s like to really be loved by someone because you married her. 

I am really sorry that you are dying. But you have done something just as bad to your wife. You never loved her and married her for your own selfish reasons.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why does this sound like a damn hallmark movie?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> I met my wife in college, got married and had kids because “that’s what you do.” I was never truly in love with my wife, we had no passion. I grew as a person but she stayed the same, never growing or changing for the better. She worked for a few years, then became a stay-at-home mom and I resented her for this as I had to pick up overtime shifts, work all holidays, etc…to make ends meet and provide a comfortable existence for my children. My wife was neglectful, unaffectionate and had no sexual desire for me. After the youngest was born we rarely had sex – I was almost always denied and the little sex I did get was passionless and like sleeping with a dead fish. If I didn’t have kids I would have left years ago.


Do you actually think your wife didn’t know you had the hots for Sarah? Her actions show that she did. Who wants to have sex with someone that doesn’t love them?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Our families hang out together occasionally and our kids are pretty good friends. Her husband is alright but he’s not anyone I’d hang out with outside of the families hanging out together and I’m sure my wife feels the same way about Sarah even though they’ve always been cordial and friendly. Now to be clear, neither Sarah or I have ever cheated with each other. We have a close friendship. We know about the problems in each others’ marriage and we give each other advice on how to work through those problems.


This is also known as an emotional affair. Instead of turning to your wife to fix issues, you turned to the woman you have always been in love with.

Do you still wonder why your wife never became a good friend with Sarah?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Here is the problem most first loves are never in our lives again.

Your first love never left your life. You started and kept an emotional affair with her your entire relationship with your wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah reading that story I am not surprised you have some regret. Life is a sum or our choices I guess.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Why does this sound like a damn hallmark movie?


Or a creative writing class. I would love to hear the wives take. She probably thought they were in love the whole time but wonders why he doesn't pursue her. I am willing to bet money that the wife thought he loved and had passion for her even though now he says he didn't. She is the real victim in all this. The girlfriend too in a way. 

This is really a story of the regrets of a very passive man, but I guess that is his point. Nothing great in live comes without risk, play it safe in everything and you probably won't have a lot of passion.

Dudes so caught up in himself I doubt this is the reaction he was expecting. 

Your take on all this is spot on.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ABHale said:


> So my one question, how are you going to fix things with your wife?
> 
> You know, the woman you married and was never in love with.
> 
> ...


I think you're kind of missing the point of his post. Yes he knows THEY made a mistake getting married, it doesn't sound like his wife has ever been a loving caring supportive spouse. The point he was trying to make is advising not to make the mistake he made. But go a head and keep on kicking a dying man while he's down. SMH

Edit to add to @LoveTooLateForMe Good for you. If we can't put what is in our hearts out there when we are faced with the end when can we. I hope this brought some level of peace. Here's to hoping for a better outcome than you have been given.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think you're kind of missing the point of his post. Yes he knows THEY made a mistake getting married, it doesn't sound like his wife has ever been a loving caring supportive spouse. The point he was trying to make is advising not to make the mistake he made. But go a head and keep on kicking a dying man while he's down. SMH


This is exactly what I was going to say. No need to kick the man when he’s beyond down. He couldn’t marry the woman he really loved. It doesn’t mean he stopped loving her. How many people marry people they don’t love because they settle for anything since they _cant have what they want._

I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. Thank you for the advice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How do we know she knew he didn't love her? Occam's razor what's more likely she married him in good faith only to find out after the fact he was really in love with his friend? Or she married him because "that is what you do."

Most people marry because they think the person they marry loves them. Besides that he says she was "never growing or changing for the better. She worked for a few years, then became a stay-at-home mom and I resented her for this as I had to pick up overtime shifts, work all holidays, etc…to make ends meet and provide a comfortable existence for my children. My wife was neglectful, unaffectionate and had no sexual desire for me. After the youngest was born we rarely had sex – I was almost always denied and the little sex I did get was passionless and like sleeping with a dead fish. If I didn’t have kids I would have left years ago."

Why is love contingent on "growing for the better", besides that, that is his opinion, maybe she feels like she is growing. Seems awful entitled to call your marriage bad because your spouse didn't grow in the way you wanted them to. That isn't a healthy attitude but it is probably part of the reason why he was unhappy in the relationship. 

What is painfully obvious throughout his whole post is that he never is assertive, all is problems in the marriage are basically because she wasn't this other women, and because when he was unhappy he didn't say anything. Then again just because this other women loved him too doesn't mean it would be a great marriage. Given her traditional culture was she going to be a SAH mom too? Maybe he would have had to work just as hard for those kids if they had them. Maybe he would grow to resent her too. Maybe she would also grow tired of sex. 

I am not trying to kick the guy when he is down, I don't think any of us are. I just think this reads like revisionist history. But again I think this is his point. He should have said something in all these cases. But not just about love. 

The only victim in the story though feels like the wife. Imagine dedicating your whole life to someone for them to write about how much they wish they had loved and wished they could be with someone else. He did her no favors.


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## LoveTooLateForMe (Dec 10, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think you're kind of missing the point of his post. Yes he knows THEY made a mistake getting married, it doesn't sound like his wife has ever been a loving caring supportive spouse. The point he was trying to make is advising not to make the mistake he made. But go a head and keep on kicking a dying man while he's down. SMH
> 
> Edit to add to @LoveTooLateForMe Good for you. If we can't put what is in our hearts out there when we are faced with the end when can we. I hope this brought some level of peace. Here's to hoping for a better outcome than you have been given.


Meh, it doesn't bother me. There are a lot of VERY SMALL people on social media who like to kick people when they're down because they are self-conscious of their own short comings. These are the same people that would tuck tail in public when confronted. So be it, if they need to act in a pathetic manner on social media, it's fine. I laugh at it because I pity people like them. 

A lot of people missed the part about my wife being neglectful and jumped to their own incorrect and laughable conclusions based on their failed relationship. That's ok, I understand that they need an internet scape goat.


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## LoveTooLateForMe (Dec 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Why is love contingent on "growing for the better", besides that, that is his opinion, maybe she feels like she is growing. Seems awful entitled to call your marriage bad because your spouse didn't grow in the way you wanted them to. That isn't a healthy attitude but it is probably part of the reason why he was unhappy in the relationship.


Because people are supposed to mature and grow as they get older. Are you the same person you are when you were 25? If so, you haven't learned anything in life. Period.



sokillme said:


> What is painfully obvious throughout his whole post is that he never is assertive, all is problems in the marriage are basically because she wasn't this other women, and because when he was unhappy he didn't say anything. Then again just because this other women loved him too doesn't mean it would be a great marriage. Given her traditional culture was she going to be a SAH mom too? Maybe he would have had to work just as hard for those kids if they had them. Maybe he would grow to resent her too. Maybe she would also grow tired of sex.


Wooooo wee, you're making a lot of ASSumptions here, kiddo. Sarah has children and a career - her and her husband are physicians. I was also in the medical field (RN), as was my wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

also remember, sometimes people get married and think they are in love, but they're not. they don't understand real love and lifelong commitment, especially at a young age.
as time passes and you learn more, maybe years, you realize you hurried into marriage because (as the OP said); "that's what you do". at some point, maybe years into the marriage, 
he realized this, but with kids, commitment and all the investment in the marriage financially and otherwise, he just accepted things.

now we cant be sure of anything, but i'm willing to give the OP the benefit of the doubt.


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## LoveTooLateForMe (Dec 10, 2020)

ABHale said:


> Just like with most men, women know when a husband is just going through the motions. His wife has also seen him interact with Sarah. I am sure that over the years she has seen for herself his true feelings for Sarah.


You have it backwards there, mu wife was the one going through the motions. I did put my heart and passion into the marriage - she’s just a passionless woman. Sorry if that rubs people the wrong way but it’s the blatant truth.
She did see Sarah and I interact and we never flirted or did anything disrespectful to our spouses either alone or in front of them. So you can stop embarrassing yourself with your incorrect assumptions, kiddo.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

OP are you angry at these posters or at the terrible blow life has dealt you? Because yea, anybody would be angry at that. But I don’t think they’re trying to be mean to you. It’s probably not going to help to take it out on them. Maybe you can teach us something. Maybe we can be a little more supportive without the misguided anger? 

Look at me I’m Dr. Phil !


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## LoveTooLateForMe (Dec 10, 2020)

C.C. says ... said:


> OP are you angry at these posters or at the terrible blow life has dealt you? Because yea, anybody would be angry at that. But I don’t think they’re trying to be mean to you. It’s probably not going to help to take it out on them. Maybe you can teach us something. Maybe we can be a little more supportive without the misguided anger?
> 
> Look at me I’m Dr. Phil !


Not angry at all, but people making wildly incorrect assumptions is irritating. I have zero tolerance for assumptions and, quite frankly, stupidity.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

I’m sorry you’re hurting. ((( hugs ))) 🥺


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Because people are supposed to mature and grow as they get older. Are you the same person you are when you were 25? If so, you haven't learned anything in life. Period.


Look this is really the last thing I want to do given your situation but I think a lot of us have sympathy for your wife in this situation too.

How do you know she doesn't feel like she has been very successful in being a wife and raising your child which was her priority. You were working to support them, and she was raising them. Did you ever tell her you were unhappy with this deal? That is the thing with SAH spouses, in almost all cases this is a mutual chosen decision, after the fact particularly when it doesn't work out there is always a lot of revisionist history, often it's from the person who stayed at home because they didn't have a career. In those cases I argue that yes that's true but the person who worked also sacrificed the potential of a shared income and what that would have meant for there present financial situation. In your case the benefit you got is your kids got a Mother who was with them all the time, without you having to worry about that. That was a choice you both made. It's not her fault now if you regret that. It seems pretty unfair to her to force all that regret on her now especially at what is presumably the end your relationship. These were your choices. May I gently suggest that you use this time to celebrate what it is you accomplished after all this was your decision too. Your wife is a flawed human being like all of us, she entered a partnership with you in good faith and seems like you had some success. Frankly that seems to be most good marriages. It's a rare one that is all fireworks and butterflies after years.

I am curious how would you have hoped she would have matured? Your post reads like you mean into a career women who wanted to have passionate sex with you.



LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Wooooo wee, you're making a lot of ASSumptions here, kiddo. Sarah has children and a career - her and her husband are physicians. I was also in the medical field (RN), as was my wife.


As are you. First of all it's easy for her to say that as an establish adult women with a successful ongoing career, but who knows what life would have brought at 20 if her family cut her off. She is also a married women telling her friend she loved him the whole time, which suggests like you she tends to have a bit of the grass is greener syndrome. I tend to side on the - if it was meant to be it would have happened - philosophy. For whatever reason you guys didn't love each other enough at the time to make it happen, only now does one of you even confess. Remember she could have told you too, she was the one who had the most to lose at the time, and she didn't. That means something. If she didn't have the courage to tell you was she going to have the courage to abandon her entire life and culture back then?

Frankly besides that, all of us have read this story without the tragic terminal illness where the two people did end up together years later (on this and other sites) and most of the time the damage to everyone else is great, and the new relationship ends up being very much that, a normal relationship with all the typical ups and downs of any relationship. Many times worse because it fails to live up to the magical expectations that the two people had before there was any real life associated with it. It's not the magical fairy tail they dreamed it to be. So forgive us if we all kind of collectively roll our eyes, and think this kind of thinking is irresponsible and leads to a lot of damage in marriage and to innocent people. Like others have said, what this leads to is emotional affairs. Yeah were a tough crowd, comes from years of reading posts from the abandoned spouses who would be your wife in this situation. (Stephen Stills comes to mind.)

It's easy to idolize someone and think of what might of been when you don't have to smell their bad breath in the morning. My point is you are morning a dream but you have no idea what the reality would have been. It's very hard for even the best spouse to compete with a dream, that doesn't have all the normal history and disappointments that a real relationship has. Besides that all of the problems in your marriage were not only your wife's fault. And it particularly wasn't your wife's fault that you didn't love her when you married her which seems to be the biggest problem you had. Do you think she knew you didn't love her? Marrying her when you didn't love her wasn't fair to her either.

Look I had no intention and take no pleasure in arguing with someone who was given such a bad brake as you were. And I truly fell sorry that you were. But it doesn't stop me for feeling sorry for your wife as well. Some of us feel "Talk About Marriage" is partly about talking about the misconceptions about what marriage is expected to be, irregardless of the OP's situation, because other people are reading on the board too.

I mean I guess the point of this post is about your regret for not taking action in your life. I understand that, though I also suspect this is probably a pretty common feeling with most when they get a diagnoses you did. Hell I suspect there is not a person alive who doesn't have feelings like this. Most of us have the one that got away the difference is you kept the one that got away in your life. If it's not love, it's that part we didn't' try out for or whatever.

Maybe you should give yourself a brake. Don't make the rest of your life about things you didn't do but what you did. Enjoy the family you had, they are going to miss you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> You have it backwards there, mu wife was the one going through the motions. I did put my heart and passion into the marriage - she’s just a passionless woman. Sorry if that rubs people the wrong way but it’s the blatant truth.
> She did see Sarah and I interact and we never flirted or did anything disrespectful to our spouses either alone or in front of them. So you can stop embarrassing yourself with your incorrect assumptions, kiddo.


You say you didn't love her, how much passion could you have had?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

And people wonder why so many don't do opposite sex friends in their relationships.

Perhaps your love for your friend would have withered and died as young loves do had you not kept her in your life for decades as a close friend and confidant. Perhaps, with her firmly in the past, your marriage to your wife would have been warmer because, yes, your wife had to have intuited you didn't really love her and she responded accordingly.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

I find this story sad on many levels. From the title, thought it was going to be the usual reminder to express love for family and friends while we can. As the story unfolded, feel saddest for the wife who will wonder for the rest of her life why she wasn't loved, especially as the next three months progress. 

Have had several friends who received this same diagnosis, their wives went through hell as deep as the men they nursed. until death mercifully arrived. They loved their men and their men loved them, the wives took comfort in that knowledge.


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## LoveTooLateForMe (Dec 10, 2020)

Well I’m glad I’m dying knowing that someone loves me - my wife has done a piss poor job of showing it all these years. Hopefully she finds someone when I’m gone but she needs to work on her narcissism in order for that to happen. I don’t she can fool another man into marrying her without working through her issues.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> I’m a 45 year old male and was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my prognosis isn’t good and I have maybe 3 months left. I don’t want any sympathy as I’ve made my peace with this.
> 
> I have been friends with a lady we’ll call Sarah (not her real name) for over 20 years and in almost all those years I’ve been in love with her. Sarah and I could have never been together because she comes from a family that required her to marry within her culture and religion. I was ok with this as I knew this was the case from the beginning. I hid my feelings and buried them deep within myself and never let them resurface.
> 
> ...


I understand that you are very ill, but telling someone who isnt your spouse that you love them its wrong, period. How is you doing that going to help either your friend or your wife and children?
As for talking to each other about your personal marriage issues, that was wrong as well.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> I met my wife in college, got married and had kids because “that’s what you do.” I was never truly in love with my wife, we had no passion.


You are trying to change your story. You married a woman you never loved. How in the hell could you be passionate with a woman you never loved. Talk about someone going through the motions.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Well I’m glad I’m dying knowing that someone loves me - my wife has done a piss poor job of showing it all these years. Hopefully she finds someone when I’m gone but she needs to work on her narcissism in order for that to happen. I don’t she can fool another man into marrying her without working through her issues.


Damn was that not full of hate for your family.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What about Sarah’s life that you just destroyed?????

You think her husband is going to be ok with her crying over you like a lover an not just a friend???

She is so screwed when you pass because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut and let your secret die with you. Do you honestly think you telling her is going to make her life easier knowing what she lost out on?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's possible and probable this wife was never passionate about OP, either. Women marry men they have no passion for all of the time.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

I really feel for you, finding out the person you loved also loves you at the end of your life must be painful beyond measure. If your wife is as neglectful as you say she is (and NO ONE has any reason to doubt you) then you truly have my sympathy. I divorced a neglectful and "passionless" woman two years ago after 15 years together. I "faked it until I made it" but I could only fake it for so long. People who aren't in this situation don't know what it's like and have no idea what its like or the emotional toll it takes on you. 

I'm only sorry that you and Sarah didn't admit your feelings earlier, perhaps you would have ended up with a more supportive and loving partner rather then a seemingly self wife. 

Good luck and godspeed in the next life, friend.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think you're kind of missing the point of his post. Yes he knows THEY made a mistake getting married, it doesn't sound like his wife has ever been a loving caring supportive spouse. The point he was trying to make is advising not to make the mistake he made. But go a head and keep on kicking a dying man while he's down. SMH
> 
> Edit to add to @LoveTooLateForMe Good for you. If we can't put what is in our hearts out there when we are faced with the end when can we. I hope this brought some level of peace. Here's to hoping for a better outcome than you have been given.


So he has told a married woman that she has always been the love of his life. So he gets a pass because he is dying?

So OP dies and Sarah mourns for him beyond what a friendship should be. If her husband has ever caught OP or his wife looking at each other in that way what is his reaction going to be?? He is going to assume that they were having an affair. Do you really think OP did Sarah any favors by revealing his feelings for her?!?!

Him realizing that he had feelings for Sarah this entire time is one thing. That would have been great to share with others like you said. He decided to be selfish and told Sarah how he feels about her. He went to far by involving a married woman in it. He even got her to declare her love for him. Great job turning Sarah into a cheater as well. But he doesn’t have to live with the consequences of his actions. Everyone that is left behind will.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Look this is really the last thing I want to do given your situation but I think a lot of us have sympathy for your wife in this situation too.
> 
> How do you know she doesn't feel like she has been very successful in being a wife and raising your child which was her priority. You were working to support them, and she was raising them. Did you ever tell her you were unhappy with this deal? That is the thing with SAH spouses, in almost all cases this is a mutual chosen decision, after the fact particularly when it doesn't work out there is always a lot of revisionist history, often it's from the person who stayed at home because they didn't have a career. In those cases I argue that yes that's true but the person who worked also sacrificed the potential of a shared income and what that would have meant for there present financial situation. In your case the benefit you got is your kids got a Mother who was with them all the time, without you having to worry about that. That was a choice you both made. It's not her fault now if you regret that. It seems pretty unfair to her to force all that regret on her now especially at what is presumably the end your relationship. These were your choices. May I gently suggest that you use this time to celebrate what it is you accomplished after all this was your decision too. Your wife is a flawed human being like all of us, she entered a partnership with you in good faith and seems like you had some success. Frankly that seems to be most good marriages. It's a rare one that is all fireworks and butterflies after years.
> 
> ...


Again you're missing the point of his post completely. It's like you're walking in the woods and a unicorn came jumping off a boulder and across the trail and you scream out hey look at that boulder. 

He and his wife made a mistake to get married to someone they were not passionate about, he stuck it out faithfully in the marriage. He never romantically approached the actual love of his life out of respect for her culture and family traditions, he just found out he's dying and decided to tell the woman how he felt instead of taking it to the grave. Did he go have an affair with this person no. Driven by a very short time clock left on his life he chose to do what he did. 

How can you read his post with the sincere intent of message he was trying to convey and decide I'm lecture him on not loving his wife. HIS POST WAS BASICALLY SAYING DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AS ME. Who are you to tell him how he should and shouldn't feel about HIS wife. Maybe she feels this, maybe you did that, Why don't you just focus on this. THE FUDGING MAN IS DYING and wishes he had told the woman he was truly in love with his feelings way back when. THA FUK


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How many people here know what it's like to be given a terminal diagnosis? End of life? Show of hands?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

YES HE GETS A PASS FROM ME BECAUSE I'M NOT A GIGANTIC....



ABHale said:


> So OP dies and Sarah mourns for him beyond what a friendship should be. If her husband has ever caught OP or his wife looking at each other in that way what is his reaction going to be?? He is going to assume that they were having an affair. Do you really think OP did Sarah any favors by revealing his feelings for her?!?!


If, Maybe, Possibly, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda. She's in an arranged marriage, maybe she's perfectly happy, maybe not. I think she could take heart in the fact that a man she felt love for had the same feelings as well. Maybe she will take solace in knowing she did experience true love in her life even if not in a direct way, but it existed and was real. Do you know? 

Maybe her husband has caught them looking at each other "In that way". What does that even mean? Two people who never had any romantic involvement or anything beyond friendship just randomly start making F me eyes at each other. You're searching for reasons to slam a dying man. Be better. 



ABHale said:


> Him realizing that he had feelings for Sarah this entire time is one thing. That would have been great to share with others like you said. He decided to be selfish and told Sarah how he feels about her. He went to far by involving a married woman in it. He even got her to declare her love for him. Great job turning Sarah into a cheater as well. But he doesn’t have to live with the consequences of his actions. Everyone that is left behind will.


SO she has had the same feelings for him this whole time. They told each other about these feelings and hugged while she was absorbing the news that he was DYING and now he has made her into a big bad cheater. 

And what consequenses? He's not leaving his wife to go bang hookers in Bangkok for the next few months. He and Sarah are not running off together. But oh geez Sarah is going to all of a sudden now be sad when a person she's been friends with for decades dies, I'm sure her husband will think that is really odd also and be sure they were having an affair.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you posted before about your love for Sarah? I recall a thread a poster started laying out the unrequited love scenario between a male nurse and a coworker.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Well I’m glad I’m dying knowing that someone loves me - my wife has done a piss poor job of showing it all these years. Hopefully she finds someone when I’m gone but she needs to work on her narcissism in order for that to happen. I don’t she can fool another man into marrying her without working through her issues.


Maybe so. If this is the way you feel, then at least take pride in the fact that you fulfilled your vow, even though you were unhappy there is honor in that. Sometime you have to do the right thing because it is the right thing. 

I will say no more.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you posted before about your love for Sarah? I recall a thread a poster started laying out the unrequited love scenario between a male nurse and a coworker.


I remember that too, but the wife had died and they got together he was worried if they were getting married too soon. Not this story.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> YES HE GETS A PASS FROM ME BECAUSE I'M NOT A GIGANTIC....
> 
> 
> If, Maybe, Possibly, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda. She's in an arranged marriage, maybe she's perfectly happy, maybe not. I think she could take heart in the fact that a man she felt love for had the same feelings as well. Maybe she will take solace in knowing she did experience true love in her life even if not in a direct way, but it existed and was real. Do you know?
> ...


He has still been cheating on his wife emotionally their entire relationship. Then comes here to ***** about her and how their marriage sucks. What a great guy. His wife is so lucky to have a man like him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> YES HE GETS A PASS FROM ME BECAUSE I'M NOT A GIGANTIC....
> 
> 
> If, Maybe, Possibly, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda. She's in an arranged marriage, maybe she's perfectly happy, maybe not. I think she could take heart in the fact that a man she felt love for had the same feelings as well. Maybe she will take solace in knowing she did experience true love in her life even if not in a direct way, but it existed and was real. Do you know?
> ...


You have no clue how Sarah is going to take his death. Her husband will see it first hand. I am sure they have lost friends just like the rest of us. We grieve more when it is someone we love. Her husband will see this. He will question her faithfulness. She will suffer because of it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I am done. If you all want to stroke a cheater’s ego, go right ahead.

I hope your last days are peaceful for you.

I also hope your wife finds someone that actually loves her one day.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ABHale said:


> He has still been cheating on his wife emotionally their entire relationship. Then comes here to *** about her and how their marriage sucks. What a great guy. His wife is so lucky to have a man like him.


Thats not what he said. Again you're looking for reasons to slam a dying man.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ABHale said:


> You have no clue how Sarah is going to take his death. Her husband will see it first hand. I am sure they have lost friends just like the rest of us. We grieve more when it is someone we love. Her husband will see this. He will question her faithfulness. She will suffer because of it.


Again you have no way of knowing how she'll react openly. Nor do you know if at 45 they have experienced losing a close friend. I'm 43 never had a friend die.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

ABHale said:


> You have no clue how Sarah is going to take his death. Her husband will see it first hand. I am sure they have lost friends just like the rest of us. We grieve more when it is someone we love. Her husband will see this. He will question her faithfulness. She will suffer because of it.


You have no clue about Sarah and her husband’s marriage. OP has stated that it’s an arranged marriage. Most of them are marriages of convenience and nothing more. They’re a way to marry off your daughter or to have your son produce children. My girlfriend is Indian, her parents are an arranged marriage. There is little love between them - they don’t fight or argue (from what she’s told me) but there’s little warmth or love there. That’s how most of these marriages are. My gf had fight extremely hard to not continue this outdated tradition. I’m glad she did.
To me it sounds like your projecting at this point.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Thats not what he said. Again you're looking for reasons to slam a dying man.


This is exactly what he said.

He has leaned on Sarah this entire time. He goes to Sarah to complain about his wife and the problems in the marriage. He posted this. This is emotionally cheating on his wife. Sarah has always been the one he goes to for emotional support.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Again you have no way of knowing how she'll react openly. Nor do you know if at 45 they have experienced losing a close friend. I'm 43 never had a friend die.


I am glad you have never experienced the death of a friend.

I am just giving possibilities of what could happen. No one knows how Sarah will react. If her husband has had doubts about her loyalty in the past, her reaction to OP’s death can validate them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> You have no clue about Sarah and her husband’s marriage. OP has stated that it’s an arranged marriage. Most of them are marriages of convenience and nothing more. They’re a way to marry off your daughter or to have your son produce children. My girlfriend is Indian, her parents are an arranged marriage. There is little love between them - they don’t fight or argue (from what she’s told me) but there’s little warmth or love there. That’s how most of these marriages are. My gf had fight extremely hard to not continue this outdated tradition. I’m glad she did.
> To me it sounds like your projecting at this point.


Wow, damn. I don’t agree with arranged marriages but I will not say that they are all bad. Sarah chose to have an arranged marriage after she dated some and didn’t find anyone. She didn’t go kicking and screaming to the ceremony.

Just because OP doesn’t like the guy that married the girl he has always been in love with doesn’t mean he is a bad guy.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

ABHale said:


> This is exactly what he said.
> 
> He has leaned on Sarah this entire time. He goes to Sarah to complain about his wife and the problems in the marriage. He posted this. This is emotionally cheating on his wife. Sarah has always been the one he goes to for emotional support.


I thought you were done?!? 😂

What happened? Don’t like your inaccuracies being challenged?

Your reading comprehension skills are absolutely terrible and your pulling things out of thin air at this point - OP never said anywhere that he didn’t like Sarah’s husband. If he did, go ahead and post the quote.

And just because you THINK OP is cheating on his wife (that’s really grasping, buddy) doesn’t make his wife a good person. See how your logical fallacies work here?

Isn’t it hypocritical of you to make a post like this and engage in the same behavior:









Talk About Marriage







www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Your integrity is lacking.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I am just replying to those that tag my post.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I pray you find peace before and after your passing. I pray your wife can grieve your passing and find someone who truly loves her. Her second chance.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> I thought you were done?!? 😂
> 
> What happened? Don’t like your inaccuracies being challenged?
> 
> ...



Her husband is alright but he’s not anyone I’d hang out with outside of the families hanging out together and I’m sure my wife feels the same way about Sarah even though they’ve always been cordial and friendly.

So I will stand by what I have said. If OP was a friend of Sarah’s husband, he would have never told his wife that he was in love with her. His actions show that he doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. 

You can take your own integrity and stick it where the sun don’t shine for what it is worth.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

Double post


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

Thanks for 


ABHale said:


> Her husband is alright but he’s not anyone I’d hang out with outside of the families hanging out together and I’m sure my wife feels the same way about Sarah even though they’ve always been cordial and friendly.
> 
> So I will stand by what I have said. If OP was a friend of Sarah’s husband, he would have never told his wife that he was in love with her. His actions show that he doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself.
> 
> You can take your own integrity and stick it where the sun don’t shine for what it is worth.


Thanks for proving my two points: you lack reading comprehension and you lack integrity. No self-respecting individual would post what you’re posting to a many who’s dying and has regrets. But, hey, you do you. It just comes off a really scummy and you look like a very small man doing so.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> Thanks for
> 
> 
> Thanks for proving my two points: you lack reading comprehension and you lack integrity. No self-respecting individual would post what you’re posting to a many who’s dying and has regrets. But, hey, you do you. It just comes off a really scummy and you look like a very small man doing so.


So we’re do you draw the line for telling someone they are wrong and have been given a terminal diagnosis?

You are really good at calling people names that you don’t agree with, that much is obvious. Seeing how you don’t know a thing about me, I will let my own family and friends tell me if I am out of line. They have at times and they will continue to do so. 

As far as my own integrity goes. I see things pretty much as right and wrong. 

I don’t think anyone that has a terminal diagnosis has the right to destroy their wife on a forum when he has been cheating on her emotionally their entire relationship. He actually said he never really was in love with his wife. Problems in a relationship are 50/50 for the most part unless one spouse just refuses to work on the issues. Cheating is always on the the cheater 100%. 

My brother in law was given 3 months also, he stayed with us for another couple of years. So I can see how OP doing what he did can cause problems.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

ABHale said:


> So we’re do you draw the line for telling someone they are wrong and have been given a terminal diagnosis?
> 
> You are really good at calling people names that you don’t agree with, that much is obvious. Seeing how you don’t know a thing about me, I will let my own family and friends tell me if I am out of line. They have at times and they will continue to do so.
> 
> ...


Considering you have very little integrity, lack reading comprehension skills, and are so small you’d attack a dying man and make up falsehoods about him, your idea of right and wrong are...well...laughable at best.


Not calling you anything that isn’t accurate. If that’s a bitter pill for you to swallow then perhaps it’s time for you to grow up and examine the sort of man you are, little guy. I really pity you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What falsehoods did I make up?

Would a friend go after another friend’s wife?

What type of man tells another mans wife that he is in love with her? Especially someone he has know for decades. 

I am guessing you’re ok with cheating as long as no one gets hurt. 

I am good with who I am, thank you.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

ABHale said:


> What falsehoods did I make up?
> 
> Would a friend go after another friend’s wife?
> 
> ...


😂😂😂😂😂


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I remember that too, but the wife had died and they got together he was worried if they were getting married too soon. Not this story.


Actually, in that poster's story, he later admitted that his wife was still alive and they were getting a divorce. He told us that he was dead to make himself look better. I wish I could recall his user name and look it up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Actually, in that poster's story, he later admitted that his wife was still alive and they were getting a divorce. He told us that he was dead to make himself look better. I wish I could recall his user name and look it up.


Wow not thing guy right?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Not angry at all, but people making wildly incorrect assumptions is irritating. I have zero tolerance for assumptions and, quite frankly, stupidity.


You know all the details, we just know what you told us. I'm sorry your life turned out this way, and wish you the best in your remaining time. However, everyone lives with he choices they make.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Wow not thing guy right?


Am I even writing English here?!! 

That was supposed to read "same guy"

The stories are similar that is for sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Am I even writing English here?!!
> 
> That was supposed to read "same guy"
> 
> The stories are similar that is for sure.


Did you see my post about this guy's multiple accounts? He's even using two of them on this thread.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

LoveTooLateForMe said:


> Well I’m glad I’m dying knowing that someone loves me - my wife has done a piss poor job of showing it all these years. Hopefully she finds someone when I’m gone but she needs to work on her narcissism in order for that to happen. I don’t she can fool another man into marrying her without working through her issues.


Narcs can't be cured. They don't change.


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