# Mama's update...



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Well, the big panic attacks have subsided and I have made a rw friend who is helping me look at things differently. He has been through a divorce and is offering different perspective. If nothing else it was someone to really talk to on the phone and make some human contact. I actually meet him in person tonight. 

I have minor anxiety issues all week but nothing like last couple of weeks. My stbxh and I have talked some this week about him drawing 3k out of our bank and yet expected me to have all the shared bills and mine paid for. He apologized for misunderstanding but not about taking the money. 

He wants to do a divorce via the internet - he says we can if it's uncontested. I told him to tell me what he is willing to offer me and we will talk. I don't know if we can actually do it w/o a lawyer so we will see what he is thinking. 

I miss so many of you that I am use to talking to and I understand I missed some stuff... it will take me a little bit to catch up.
xxoo


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

good for u mama, im glad you found a friend  i was wondering what happened had not seen you on very much this week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm always thinking about you and praying for you Mama. Keep talking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Well, the big panic attacks have subsided and I have made a rw friend who is helping me look at things differently. He has been through a divorce and is offering different perspective. If nothing else it was someone to really talk to on the phone and make some human contact. I actually meet him in person tonight.
> 
> I have minor anxiety issues all week but nothing like last couple of weeks. My stbxh and I have talked some this week about him drawing 3k out of our bank and yet expected me to have all the shared bills and mine paid for. He apologized for misunderstanding but not about taking the money.
> 
> ...


Always thinking and praying for you. Glad you have a friend....just don't rush too fast into anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

You are doing so well Mama, you are an inspiration x good luck x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

startingover how have you been doing latley?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> startingover how have you been doing latley?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm ok thanks.. Feel more on an even keel.. Think I am firmly in acceptance mode, which is no bad thing. No more viewers on the house. Trying not to let the fact he is still here throw me. Making plans fir the first time & I need to start acting on them.. 

How are you doing? Good I hope x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Wishing you the best as always, Mama. The road to a better place and one that offers better options for our future is not an easy one, but definitely one worth the effort. We're here for you anytime you need to vent and need support. Cheers!


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Hang in there! I have been MIA on here as well. I have learned to take control of my life. I know now that my STBXH will never file for divorce, so I am going to. I , and we deserve someone who will not hurt us and take away our energy!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

hilly2 said:


> Hang in there! I have been MIA on here as well. I have learned to take control of my life. I know now that my STBXH will never file for divorce, so I am going to. I , and we deserve someone who will not hurt us and take away our energy!


Hi Hilly2

I'm very curious as to your perspective of why your spouse will never file. Its been 15 months for me tomorrow. He wants the divorce but still hasn't filed. I wonder what his wait is for if he wants divorce. Just curious of your perspective on your husbands procrastination. 

Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Hi Hilly2
> 
> I'm very curious as to your perspective of why your spouse will never file. Its been 15 months for me tomorrow. He wants the divorce but still hasn't filed. I wonder what his wait is for if he wants divorce. Just curious of your perspective on your husbands procrastination.
> 
> ...


I think that my husband is an avoider. He never take the responsibility that he had something to do with the end of our marriage. If he does that, then he will have to change himself. If he doesn't have to do anything, then things will stay exactly the same. 

I am almost 39 years old, and I need to move on with my life. I want to find the right person for me and be happy. I don't want to give up on my chance to have a family. I refuse to waste anymore time with hoping he will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

hilly2 said:


> I think that my husband is an avoider. He never take the responsibility that he had something to do with the end of our marriage. If he does that, then he will have to change himself. If he doesn't have to do anything, then things will stay exactly the same.
> 
> I am almost 39 years old, and I need to move on with my life. I want to find the right person for me and be happy. I don't want to give up on my chance to have a family. I refuse to waste anymore time with hoping he will change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes sense. I'm not sure the reason for my husband would be that he's an avoider. I'm not sure why the hell he doesn't file other than that slight chance he really doesn't want the divorce. I can see mine being so erragant that he is letting his pride stand in the way of R. Then again I could be totally wrong and any day now I will get notice.

I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. I am at least fortunate I have my son so i can see the hurt and anxiety of your age being an addition to bare.

You're in my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

It is good to hear from you Mama....and it is good to hear that the panic attacks have subsided. 

I am so happy to hear that you have found a "friend" that you can talk to. Good for you!


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> That makes sense. I'm not sure the reason for my husband would be that he's an avoider. I'm not sure why the hell he doesn't file other than that slight chance he really doesn't want the divorce. I can see mine being so erragant that he is letting his pride stand in the way of R. Then again I could be totally wrong and any day now I will get notice.
> 
> I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. I am at least fortunate I have my son so i can see the hurt and anxiety of your age being an addition to bare.
> 
> ...


I am not super religious, but I do believe that God has a plan for all of us. This is all happening for a reason, and some good is going to come out of it. If anything, it has made me love and appreciate myself.

Mommatomany, sorry for the threadcrap


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> I think that my husband is an avoider. He never take the responsibility that he had something to do with the end of our marriage. If he does that, then he will have to change himself. If he doesn't have to do anything, then things will stay exactly the same.
> 
> I am almost 39 years old, and I need to move on with my life. I want to find the right person for me and be happy. I don't want to give up on my chance to have a family. I refuse to waste anymore time with hoping he will change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey there Hilly! 
Good for you. I am looking forward to moving on too, with or without a friend. I totally get the clock ticking for you... do what you can to move on quickly.

I wouldn't take him back any longer. I am 43 and ready to move on and find happiness (w/o him).


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Wishing you the best as always, Mama. The road to a better place and one that offers better options for our future is not an easy one, but definitely one worth the effort. We're here for you anytime you need to vent and need support. Cheers!


Can, I am not going any where! I need you all still too much  
I think being away and having someone to talk w/ on the phone has helped too.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Good to hear you're doing fine Mama. You can do it online, I'm using divorcewriter.com but only if it's uncontested. Be careful though not to get screwed. Read everything.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I actually will wait and see what he is willing to do and then have a lawyer look over it I think. I don't trust him (hence the divorce - lol). 
Can I ask what state you are in?


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I agree with Dean. If online, take it to an attorney for review. I live in NY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Thanks y'all. 
I think I will let him show me what he thinks we have in debt and assets and what his suggestions are on how we split... then I will know where we will differ. I have done all the bills since our last big blow out, but I know he has incurred more debt as he has moved out. He is saying he is trying to be frugal w/ the money but then he wouldn't be taking dates to expensive restaurants if that was the case. So I am sure he is avoiding discovery etc.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

So my friend has decided I am too raw and that he doesn't want to be a friend right now... 

Back to scratch... 
Really would one of you great TAMs men just come down here!!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> So my friend has decided I am too raw and that he doesn't want to be a friend right now...
> 
> Back to scratch...
> Really would one of you great TAMs men just come down here!!


awwwww....I am sorry, Mama. boo!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

yeah, I feel so rejected, yet again. 
Cryin' like a big stupid baby. 
I thought to myself on Friday I wasn't ready to date... 
Then on Sunday... I need someone who will be there... Maybe I am still just too needy. [email protected] it.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

You are a wonderful person, Mama. You shouldn't take it personally (I know that is hard not to do). But, maybe you do need a little more time?....or maybe this man just wasn't the right fit for you? It is always hard to feel rejection though---especially right now. But, that is the risk we all take when we try to make connections with other people.

C'est la vie!

Either way, you will be okay---and you have plenty of cyber-friends who love you and support you.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Seriously could Bandit bring his 2x4 and start smackin' some people for me!! ???


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I will be okay. For the last 4 days the stbxh is also trying to talk about divorce and settling things. I just didn't need rejection right now. He said let's still be friends and maybe when your feelings aren't so raw you will be ready... 

I think it's been so long since he has been in a relationship that he doesn't like any kind of feeling...


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

What a freakin' loser. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was not going to workout for you anyways. Boooo!


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

But ... maybe he's not a bad guy and just wants to take it slow knowing what you are going through. Mama please be careful a lot of men are on the lookout for women going through what you going through thinking you are at your weakest -- emotional and needing someone.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I know, I didn't expect it to be lasting. We clicked so well Saturday, then I have a couple of emotional days and he's out of here.... He also made me feel judged (it maybe his passion) but I really liked this guy. Fine.... he was probably too old for me anyway! Yeah! That's it... maybe my youth and kids scared him off!! LOL (or was it my neediness, let's just say it was because I was 12 yrs younger!)


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Loser! Got scared. You'll find Mr. Right. Be positive and keep making progress like you have been.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

...today, my STBXH emailed me and said that he was "sorry for how things went down with us".

hahahaha. I just had to laugh at that!! He is "sorry for how things went down"?! hahaha. Sorry for boinking a 25 year old girl while I was 9 months pregnant? Sorry for making me feel like there is something wrong with me for the past 1.5 years?! Sorry for telling me over and over again how I wasn't good enough for him?!. "sorry for how things went down". ha. That just makes me roll my eyes at him. He just thinks that our marriage ended "organically". He doesn't see how his actions and choices ended our marriage. 

amazing.


But, maybe Lifescript is right. Maybe this guy is just trying to "do the right thing" and slow things down a bit....just to give you time to process what is happening to you. ...maybe?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> But ... maybe he's not a bad guy and just wants to take it slow knowing what you are going through. Mama please be careful a lot of men are on the lookout for women going through what you going through thinking you are at your weakest -- emotional and needing someone.


yep, I have met a couple of them. :-( 
I can't wait until I can change my status from "currently separated" to "divorced."

This guy honestly was a good guy, I was dramatic and in pain, and too much trouble for him (maybe too much trouble for anyone).


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

You want to make sure you are ready emotionally and in all senses to start dating again. Once your divorced or whenever you want as matter of fact live your life. The hell with your ex-husband. Look at this as a new opportunity to start anew, to be reborn, your kids will be proud. I'm proud of you. Go Mama!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> You want to make sure you are ready emotionally and in all senses to start dating again. Once your divorced or whenever you want as matter of fact live your life. The hell with your ex-husband. Look at this as a new opportunity to start anew, to be reborn, your kids will be proud. I'm proud of you. Go Mama!


How do you know when you are ready? that's what my friend said... I wasn't ready. I took things too personally etc. 
I know my stbx has at least one OW he hasn't hidden it and I am not and kind of flaunted it. 

I am trying to feel new and rebuild but yesterday I had to realize I may have to move and change schools/kids friends etc. I just feel like crying. I thought I was moving on (did I mention how much I miss sex??) and becoming more independent. What I saw from myself in the last two days is I became needy from this man I met last week (but spent hours on the phone w/ I knew he wasn't a perfect match but it worked for now or so I thought). 

I am not one that likes a ONS or FWB ... I want a monogamous relationship.

Damn this sucks!!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jpr said:


> ...today, my STBXH emailed me and said that he was "sorry for how things went down with us".
> 
> hahahaha. I just had to laugh at that!! He is "sorry for how things went down"?! hahaha. Sorry for boinking a 25 year old girl while I was 9 months pregnant? Sorry for making me feel like there is something wrong with me for the past 1.5 years?! Sorry for telling me over and over again how I wasn't good enough for him?!. "sorry for how things went down". ha. That just makes me roll my eyes at him. He just thinks that our marriage ended "organically". He doesn't see how his actions and choices ended our marriage.
> 
> ...


JPR, the WH just don't get it! I hope Karma bites them in their A$$! 

Maybe. He was the one that jumped to he will be exclusive... no dating anyone else etc. I mean I could see all sorts of things that weren't 'perfect' but we had a strong connection which he admitted, but too much drama for him I guess. 
I was also the first 'separated' woman he said he dated, but he did go through this and had a cheating wife. 

I think I might just stop until my D is final I don't know. I am just sad.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

so my stbxh has been emailing me all night (when my friend contacted me) and we aren't seeing eye to eye. He said "tell me what you want, you may be surprised at how agreeable I am"
I won't give him my wants I was told the surprise is key. He couldn't even list half of his debts he has!


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Why you may have to move? Only time will heal you and you will know when you are ready. Perhaps one will never be 100% ready (is that even necessary?) but you want to be strong emotionally to go into the dating scene. Right now I think you are feeling lonely and need company and it can make you vulnerable. I was thinking about this earlier. How will I deal with my next partner. Will I be able to trust her. I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. The naive side of me is gone (dead forever). It's not fair for my future partner. I don't want others to pay for what STBXW did to me so I got to get myself ready to trust again. That's my issue. It's crazy going all the way back to my first girlfriend in junior high I had been betrayed by girls. The God of Love hasn't been kind to me. I hope cupid gives a guy a break.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> Why you may have to move? Only time will heal you and you will know when you are ready. Perhaps one will never be 100% ready (is that even necessary?) but you want to be strong emotionally to go into the dating scene. Right now I think you are feeling lonely and need company and it can make you vulnerable. I was thinking about this earlier. How will I deal with my next partner. Will I be able to trust her. I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. The naive side of me is gone (dead forever). It's not fair for my future partner. I don't want others to pay for what STBXW did to me so I got to get myself ready to trust again. That's my issue. It's crazy going all the way back to my first girlfriend in junior high I had been betrayed by girls. The God of Love hasn't been kind to me. I hope cupid gives a guy a break.


My stbx may make us sell the house. It is a lot for me to take care of and I may not be able to afford it at the rate it's at.... hence the forced sale may occur. 

The dating bit sounds just like what my friend said too about me not being ready etc. 

We are all going to enter into relationships w/ baggage who doesn't at our age.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Hope you don't have to move. You're right about the baggage and sometimes that's just it -- it is what it is.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Yep. I actually wouldn't mind moving at some point, when I AM READY not to help him or give him what he wants. My kids on the other hand want to stay here. They have their forest, friends and great school etc...

I want something on my terms!


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

So fight to stay in the house. Can your ex think about his kids for a change. This bothers me when children are affected. He's being selfish and crazy.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> So fight to stay in the house. Can your ex think about his kids for a change. This bothers me when children are affected. He's being selfish and crazy.


My stbxh doesn't think about anyone but himself. It is clear to everyone except him (that includes my kids). Yes, yes he is. In 3+months they have spent three nights w/ him and it was NEVER his idea.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Usually the laws are stacked against us (men) when dealing with divorce. Talk to a lawyer ASAP to see what you can do, to fight for everything you are entitled to. He wanted to leave, not you. He split the family, not you. Fight to get all you can from him, have no mercy. Don't know your ex but starting to dislike him A LOT. Does he make more money than you? If so, fight for alimony in addition to child support. If you get things right you may be able to negotiate not selling the house and let him off the hook in another area.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> My stbxh doesn't think about anyone but himself. It is clear to everyone except him (that includes my kids). Yes, yes he is. In 3+months they have spent three nights w/ him and it was NEVER his idea.


Check with your lawyer, if you can prove those times that would be abandoment which will help you tremendously in child custody and support.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

keko said:


> Check with your lawyer, if you can prove those times that would be abandoment which will help you tremendously in child custody and support.


I have kept records of how often he sees them etc and how he is rarely the one to initiate any of it. I need to pull it all together in one source. Right now it's on chat (stored), texts, and emails. 

It isn't abandonment in Texas until he has been gone a year and no money was given (from what I understand).


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> Usually the laws are stacked against us (men) when dealing with divorce. Talk to a lawyer ASAP to see what you can do, to fight for everything you are entitled to. He wanted to leave, not you. He split the family, not you. Fight to get all you can from him, have no mercy. Don't know your ex but starting to dislike him A LOT. Does he make more money than you? If so, fight for alimony in addition to child support. If you get things right you may be able to negotiate not selling the house and let him off the hook in another area.


He is easy to dislike right now. lol He makes 65% of the household income. I won't get spousal support but I'd like him to take that percentage of our debt. I actually was going to call the lawyer today and need to get moving on it. I was waiting for the money for the retainer to come in but maybe she will take partial payment... I'll call and find out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Next time he calls to harass you, tell him you spent an enjoyable evening having a kinky breastfeeding cybersex threesome with a Scotsman and a big burly guy from Tucson.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Next time he calls to harass you, tell him you spent an enjoyable evening having a kinky breastfeeding cybersex threesome with a Scotsman and a big burly guy from Tucson.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Just wondering how you are mama?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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