# is this infidelity?



## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

It all started when we were supposed to get a 5,000 tax return and he said we lost it to the government due to something from the past. It made no sense but i trusted him. Then he wants to talk to me about this car he wants which looks like a super deal so i say go ahead and get it. He leaves out the fact that he signed on for A 23% INTEREST RATE. Mind you i have excellent credit and could have bought it. Anyway, he confessed that we didn't actually owe the government anything he just wanted to take the money to out down on the car so i thought he got a better deal on it. Meanwhile we owe my dad 3,000 he graciously loaned us to close on our house and HE KNEW THATs WHAT THE MONEY WAS FOR and spent it anyway. It was a year ago and there hasnt been too many problems since but i am still so livid about it and angry. Its been over a year


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I would guess this is financial infidelity. Then again I haven't had enough money to suffer from this type of infidelity yet. But yes, you have every right to be angry as he deceived you.


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Yeah I'd say it's financial infidelity so this post would need to be moved to the right section of this forum.
You had/have every right to be extremely angry over his selfish actions and actually your father does too in my opinion! Did your dad mention anything to you about this car purchase when he is waiting for his money back?
DH and I loaned my brother's GF $1000 over a year ago now which she has just finished paying back but I had to mention several times that getting her hair professionally dyed and nails done at a salon was irresponsible, considering that money was to help pay for the roof over her head. To say we were mad is an understatement and clearly we will never help her out again- ever.
Has the debt to your dad been paid off yet?
If not, I'd suggest to him to sell the car in order to do so.
My husband and I have $5000 left of a $50,000 loan to finish paying and there are things we would like to do but are holding off doing as we are responsible adults who understand that these things have to come first.
If this was my DH I would be furious and would never have let it slide.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

The term infidelity is not appropriate for the behavior exhibited. This behavior is more closely aligned with stealing or embezzlement. It is also defaulting on the loan to your father. It bespeaks of little character and no sense of obligation in regards to telling you and paying off the loan to your father. It is thoughtless, selfish and despicable. Great catch you have there. You might be well advised to keep your eyes and ears open because character flaws tend to run the gamut so you may actually be correctly posting to this board at some future point. Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Technically it might be called something other than infidelity, but it has the same general effect on marriage in my view. 

Speaking as a man whose former wife committed adultery, I can tell you that I would view this situation almost as badly.

In fact, if my wife did this to me it would earn her a swift divorce. May seem harsh to many, but after what I've experienced I take a very tough stance against any form of dishonesty.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to seek legal advice ASAP as to what you should do to protect yourself from your husband's fraudulent activities.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think the word is d*uchebaggery.


----------



## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

britchic80 said:


> It all started when we were supposed to get a 5,000 tax return and he said we lost it to the government due to something from the past. It made no sense but i trusted him. Then he wants to talk to me about this car he wants which looks like a super deal so i say go ahead and get it. He leaves out the fact that he signed on for A 23% INTEREST RATE. Mind you i have excellent credit and could have bought it. Anyway, he confessed that we didn't actually owe the government anything he just wanted to take the money to out down on the car so i thought he got a better deal on it. Meanwhile we owe my dad 3,000 he graciously loaned us to close on our house and HE KNEW THATs WHAT THE MONEY WAS FOR and spent it anyway. It was a year ago and there hasnt been too many problems since but i am still so livid about it and angry. Its been over a year


infidelity? no. good reason for concern and to be pissed at him? certainly.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bruticus said:


> infidelity? no. good reason for concern and to be pissed at him? certainly.


With this level of duplicity he is more than capable of cheating on his wife, too.


----------



## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

married 3 years. Together 8 years


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's dishonest and it's irresponsible. Whatever you want to call it, it's committing marriage homicide. He needs to pay your dad back, otherwise, your dad is going to think his daughter has married a lying, sorry, unreliable, waste of skin. Being a dad, he pretty much knows any guy isn't good enough for his daughter. There's no point in validating his low opinion. 
Short of having sex with someone's best friend, about the quickest way to destroy a marriage is to start lying about finances. I'm going to go out on a limb and suspect he's got a history of being unreliable and not keeping his word or he wouldn't be buying cars or anything else at 23% interest. This is behavior one might expect from a somewhat immature 13 year old. It's certainly unacceptable for someone who considers himself man enough to be married.


----------



## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

i had to pay my dad back by borrowing from my pension. Lovely right?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

britchic80 said:


> i had to pay my dad back by borrowing from my pension. Lovely right?


Sue your husband. And divorce him.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

He owes you $5,000 plus interest. You need to take over all family finances and pay all the bills. 

Keep him on a tight leash. Keep him out of the cookie jar. He'll get used to his new reality. The more he fights the more he's hiding. 

Bad behavior has consequences.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

By allowing you to pay back your dad, he compounded the insult to your father. Not only was your husband unable to provide a roof for you without assistance from your dad, he was presumably unwilling to make an honest effort of paying him back. See, I've got a couple grown daughters. I worked two jobs my whole life, sacrificed, saved, and sweat to provide for them. If some chucklehead wishes to replace me as their primary source of security I will bend over backwards to help, but I want to see the guy working, seeking self-improvement, paying bills, protecting and providing for my daughters like they take the position seriously. I want to know they and future grandbabies will be cared for when I'm not around. I'd be happy to "loan" money to my daughter and her new husband and if they paid it back I would stash it off somewhere and give it back to them. The idea of making it a loan and not a gift would be because I wanted to test him to determine if he was responsible and honorable. If he proved to be, I'd be leading my son-in-law's fan club for the rest of my days. I don't really care if my daughters find rich men or smart men but I damned sure expect them to latch onto good men.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

From now on file a separate return, and tell him he will have to pay back into your pension.

Also let him know your respect for him as a MAN has taken a major hit.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Well, the questions should have been asked before the purchase. I don't know, most couples discuss large purchases before they are made. It is not a question of trust but a effort to assure the purchase is smart. The H did a selfish thing, lied to get it done and clearly has no respect for you dad and the loan. 23%...WTH? That is insane. You really need to sit you H down and ask him to grow up. Then ask were the $3000.00 in retirement money is going to come from.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

While not infidelity in the truest sense of the word, it is DEFINITELY a love killer.

Your husband has basically told you if this was the stone age, he would have no problem telling you he would hunt when he felt like it and if you were attacked he "may or may not" defend you.

You need to take control of the finances.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

As one poster has said he's displaying the mentality of a child and as such needs to be shown consequences for his misdeeds. Sell the car and make him pay you back the money you gave your dad. Take away his ability to handle your finances and be firm. In other words, give him a metaphorical spanking. If you allow him to continue in this behavior you will be enabling him and it will grow worse.


----------



## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

i have kicked him out and feel way better


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

britchic80 said:


> i have kicked him out and feel way better


Good for you! What he did was unconscionable. It's financial infidelity. My long-time former live-in BF took out tons of credit cards in his name and I found out about them by accident. I was working my butt off at two jobs, spending every penny I earned on bills. All the while he was getting cash advances and spending the money on himself and pretending it was his paycheck $ when in reality he got fired from his job. LOSER.

I told my friend that I felt like I had been cheated on.

I'm curious-how did your H react when you threw him out?


----------

