# Active sex life? I have a question for you...



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...

I think, he thinks that the sex I want is always like an hours worth. Why? I think the assumption is based on that we don’t do it nearly enough, so when we do, he spends plenty of time with me. If I had it often, that is not what I personally would expect (or want). Plus we have tons of time, so there is no constraints on our time anyway. I get that he can’t get me to I cum in 60 seconds like he can. So I know a bit more effort is invovled. I don’t think he’s opposed to it, but...yeah, I wish I knew all this. Why can’t we just mess around...a lot??! I’m tired of “thinking and talking about it”. 

He is ultimately inexperienced in having a successful long term sexual relationship, and I desperately want to change that. We are very open and talk a ton. We have been heavily addressing this issue, and he is somewhat trying to improve things as am I. 

So that’s a tiny background on why I am asking, but my question is: 

*For those of you in the 30-60ish range, LTR/M that have active sex lives (multiple times a week) how much time a week do you spend getting it on? Give me an idea of what a sample snapshot of a week is like for you.*

For example:

Weekend sex, about an hour lots of foreplay, mutliple Os for her if she can and wants, him too if he can do that...ya know...we take our time.

Tuesday morning before work- morning wood quickie.

Thursday night, play around for 10-15 minutes before we fall asleep. Each get an O, alls good...zzzzzzz..

See, for me, the above would be like a dream come true, but I know it’s not going to happen. G’head...make me jealous.

>


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...
> 
> I think, he thinks that the sex I want is always like an hours worth. Why? I think the assumption is based on that we don’t do it nearly enough, so when we do, he spends plenty of time with me. If I had it often, that is not what I personally would expect (or want). Plus we have tons of time, so there is no constraints on our time anyway. I get that he can’t get me to I cum in 60 seconds like he can. So I know a bit more effort is invovled. I don’t think he’s opposed to it, but...yeah, I wish I knew all this. Why can’t we just mess around...a lot??! I’m tired of “thinking and talking about it”.
> 
> ...


Every morning six am.Minimum an hour.
Sometimes during the day if our toddler is napping or her godmother brings her out.
Like you I have a lot of free time.(Two hour working day,unfortunately it begins at three am)
Not so much at night because we get up so early but occasionally it happens lol.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

that sounds great i am jealousy ,have not had sex in three years ,i think in 2019 i need to make some serious changes ,it takes time but i am done 

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How often?

In my mind, these thoughts never end.
The desire stronger than the flesh.

The end will come, not with semen flowing.

The raining down six feet of dirt will cut off all circulation, stopping my never pausing, pulsing horny imagination.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We’re in the 50 to 60 range. Your example is pretty close an average week for us. What helps us is we are basically schedulely (and keep to it), and 68 is really great. YMMV.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Those figures seem pretty apropos for senior citizens, but my celibacy problem is largely self-inflicted because of a severe lack of trust in meeting quality women!

Hope and pray that's not the case with you! *


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

@Andy1001 I hate you.
@SunCMars. Sigh...we need to get our spouses to give it up. Not cool.
@arbitrator Arb, I really think you will find that woman. You deserve her. You gotta get out there just a tad more, maybe even visit other churches in your area? I dunno. I found the person I’m crazy about, but he just is too LD.

That is what is hard. I read on here that you can’t be truly in a relationship that will last and be happy if you are a sexual mismatch. There is a lot of truth to that. Sometimes, I’m not happy. But when everything else about you is SO compatible and I don’t want anyone else even remotely and neither does he, then what?!?! I know, you quit whining about it on TAM.

I think he needs to meet me in the middle! He always says he will, but then it doesn’t happen. FRUSTRATING!!!!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

56 & 61

About an hour every night between 10:30 and midnight. Usually the same on weekend mornings if there is nothing we need to get up to do. 

Very well matched. I didn't know it could be this awesome. 

With my ex, it was once a week. Like a duty. Good enough, but not awesome.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

We can do it once a day during the week if we try and it usually takes about one half hour with at least an oral orgasm given to her before penetration.

We occasionally get it done in 15 and, if we have the luxury, we extend the play for about an hour on the weekends.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

As to the mismatch, I feel ya.

Mrs. C actually has what is probably a pretty normal drive but I am very high.

She physically just can't have the amount of sex I would like so I compromise.

She is good for 7 days a week and sometimes twice so that is pretty satisfying.

We are 40's 50's. I can go many times a day with regularity so I get frustrated but there really isn't anything wrong with my mate..

Your man should be encouraged to pillage your village more often!😉
Best wishes!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...
> 
> I think, he thinks that the sex I want is always like an hours worth. Why? I think the assumption is based on that we don’t do it nearly enough, so when we do, he spends plenty of time with me. If I had it often, that is not what I personally would expect (or want). Plus we have tons of time, so there is no constraints on our time anyway. I get that he can’t get me to I cum in 60 seconds like he can. So I know a bit more effort is invovled. I don’t think he’s opposed to it, but...yeah, I wish I knew all this. Why can’t we just mess around...a lot??! I’m tired of “thinking and talking about it”.
> 
> ...


Ever tell him this?

Ever just try to seduce him?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Ever tell him this?
> 
> Ever just try to seduce him?


Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death. 

Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.
> 
> Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.


I may be asking the obvious but has he had his testosterone levels checked?
Would he have any objections to using viagra or similar substances?
You will build more and more resentment if your needs aren’t being met and do you really want to look back in a few years and regret all the sex you have missed out on.
I can’t offer any real advice because to me this is baffling,why any man who has a willing partner doesn’t have sex at every opportunity.I know guys that would love to be in his shoes.(Or bed)


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Spicy,

I hope you don't mind me asking a question. I got curious when I read your thread. I don't think I can contribute anything of value, except a question. 

How many of you folks who have sex often are feeling "something" carnal when you are near your spouse? I mean, what kind of natural attraction do you have between you? Do you even know or think about it? 

You see, in my first marriage, we were like a minimum of three times a week. Just being around her, I wanted her, badly. I can only explain it as a carnal feeling with an unknown source. Don't know what else was involved. Because of this, I didn't have to think much about what I wanted to do when we "did it". It all came naturally with those feelings, curiosity, and a desire to "play" and have fun. 

I could take charge or be a little submissive. Either way, I had fun, and I think she did, too. Never remember her complaining about the sex. It was other things. Can some of you, "put your finger on it", as in whatever it seems to be for you that drives you?

Edit: I came back to add an explanation of sorts. Some of you might be wondering what I mean by natural attraction. When she came into the room, one of the first things I might think was sex with her. Her pupils would dilate as I imagine mine did. She might lose her train of thought. Sometimes, I'd have to ignore those thoughts to have a decent conversation. I hope that helps. I don't feel that around just anyone. I don't know what drives that thinking/feelings. It isn't the normal kind of, "she's hot", type thinking. It's something deeper.. a sort of longing. It isn't a weak feeling like I need her. It's more of a "come here woman I'm going to **** you and make you an exhausted satisfied sleepy rag doll(rag dolls are limp)" feeling, but my actions and thoughts are under control, because I never made her feel rapey or anything. She showed she wanted me nearly as much, I thought/think.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> @Andy1001 I hate you.
> 
> @SunCMars. Sigh...we need to get our spouses to give it up. Not cool.
> 
> ...


*Please rest assured that, while my wayward XW's may Have well contributed to my faith in there being any virtuous and faithful women left, I know full well that they are indeed out there!

My problem is that even if I ran across the best possible fit for me, that somehow, even despite pledging her faith and loyalty to me, and me to her, that she would eventually come to know learning about cheating and would eventually come to embrace it!

And please rest assured that without the presence of some prevalent medical condition overriding a couples sameness for the frequency of sex, that a marked aversion to loving sex is definitely a "dealbreaker" in any future relationship that I may come to pursue!

Without good reason, God didn't exactly give us the gift of loving faithful sex to use sporadically or strategically to meet our physiological or psychological needs!

He never intended it that way!*


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## 00buck (Jun 2, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> 56 & 61
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I want the first half of this post, I live in the second half 


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

We're both early 40s, Normal for us is about an hour or so Friday, Saturday and Sunday and 2-3 times a week usually quicker on wee nights. Nights that both the kids are out of the house is much more of an event and usually goes multiple rounds and will include our massage table and other apparatus.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

@Spicy, what would you say your main source of frustration is really? What I'm asking is, is it the frequency, quality or are you more frustrated by his attitude. Does he never initiate, is his attitude obvious that he isn't that into it? 

Sometimes reading the sexual mismatch threads it seems to me the frustration becomes more the LD partners apparent lack of effort or enthusiasm that is really the problem so even having more sex won't help if the LDs attitude sucks and they let there disinterest be well known. If his attitude is part of your frustration that might be easier for him to work on than increasing his desire for more frequency. It won't necessarily help with you desire for more frequency but may help with some of the frustration. 

I personally believe sexual desire can be a use it or lose it thing for some people. If they get into a low frequency pattern their desire drops to match that. Sometimes you need to recondition the brain to expect and desire sex more often. Has your husband always been LD even when he was younger? 

Could you set a schedule, something like once or twice on the weekends with plenty of foreplay and buildup and then two quickies a week. 

Or find an online HRT clinic and get him some testosterone therapy. That will change his attitude unless he has more going on mentally thats blocking his desire.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Our average age is now 60, and we've been together for 19 years. In the last year, we've slowed down some, mostly because of some health issues that are temporary and should be resolved in the next couple of months. We hope things will return to our normal (daily, or more) then. Even so, we still have sex 4 or 5 times a week, and sometimes - like last night - twice in an evening. We both initiate, but she may do so a little more often. Duration varies a lot - sometimes as little as 15 minutes, usually about a half hour, and occasionally more leisurely (or multiple round) sessions of an hour or so. Cuddling and foreplay can go on for an hour or two before that, if we are watching TV together, and we like to cuddle a half hour afterwards, much of the time, or just go to sleep.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I guess you will have to hate me as well. And I will say that I hesitate to post one these thread because I seem to upset lots of people. 

Me - 54, her - 60, about 15 or so months together so it is not long term marriage, yet, still dating. 

Usually at least once a day, but usually twice a day, morning and evening, and sometimes all day long, it just depends. 

She is easily orgasmic, and multi orgasmic, or she is with me. She is over the moon with our sex life because I don't think that she was taken care of properly or had many husbands or lovers that were very good. 

Frankly, even with my experience, and her relative lack of experience, she is one of the best if not the best I have ever had in my life. I am not sure if it is the depth of love, her being inactive for a while before meeting me, our ages or just our individual anatomy, I really have no idea. 

I can say that she is like driving a sports car, put the gas peddle down and she goes. 

One issue we have is that I like to have sex for a long time, an hour is usually good for me, but if she is not really rested and ready for that, she really gets too tired sometimes. 

And I understand that not all woman can go that long every time and I have adjusted and worked to be able to finish sooner so she is not exhausted too badly afterwards. 

It is something that we are working on. 

But my question to you @Spicy, is why not just attack your H and tie him up and have your way with him.

That may work...


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When I was married in my late 30's it was a few times a week and it was probably only about 15 minutes on average and really boring. We just fell into a rut and didn't put in the effort with each other. 

With my current GF, it really depends on how much we get to see each other (we both have kids). As far as how long it takes also depends. If we are so turned on that we can't keep our hands off each other it could be a quickie in the back seat of the car. But it could also be a tantric episode that lasts for hours. I really don't know how long it lasts because we get lost in each other and time flows differently.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I think that we fit your profile: We are both 64, and have a fairly active sex life, we average about once every other day. We would do it more often, but at our age, hip joints and knees need a little longer for recovery. We have never had the discussion as to who has the higher drive, but at this time I would say it is equal.

As to the second part of the question, we take our time. (We have it) Pre-foreplay, we sit with one another, have cocktails, and/or a smoke (cigar, joint etc). We talk and laugh, then we go upstairs. Once down to it, I have never timed us. I can sort of estimate, that it takes about 40 minutes to an hour or so.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

I like @2ntnuf's question about carnal desire. Which I also think may be related to testosterone levels. 

Has he always been at this level of sexual desire or has it dropped? If it's dropped then there could be a reason. If it's always been this way then it's probably not going to change much as the ball is in his court.

You hinted at the fact that your husband can be finished in 60 seconds. This together with your attempts to improve the frequency of sex might make him feel a little insecure in his abilities to please you now.

I went through a stage of talking about our sex life in an attempt to improve things for myself but it's had little effect and may have made things worse. 

I don't think I'm going to make you jealous with our frequency.
We are just in our 50s now with teens at home so we have a few morning quickies midweek and maybe once at the weekend. Very rarely at night. Once a week we get a couple of hours in an evening when the kids are out and we can play properly for my pleasure and attempt to reach orgasm for me. We both used to be very HD for a long time before reducing to this level though.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I may be asking the obvious but has he had his testosterone levels checked?
> Would he have any objections to using viagra or similar substances?
> You will build more and more resentment if your needs aren’t being met and do you really want to look back in a few years and regret all the sex you have missed out on.
> I can’t offer any real advice because to me this is baffling,why any man who has a willing partner doesn’t have sex at every opportunity.I know guys that would love to be in his shoes.(Or bed)


We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.
> 
> Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.


Be careful!

Use motion, not words.

A woman's words sting....men.

They hear the words, they flee them.

Use your hands and your lips.... quietly.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Spicy said:


> We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?


Ok this may be the problem... 

Some doctors take a really weak approach to treating T levels. 

So lets say that he is 50, so the doc says, well you are borderline for a 50 YO.... No sir, **** THAT...

I want the T levels I had in my 30's, I am not going to settle for oh you are close enough, I want them high like they always have been.

Get a doc that is aggressive... The gel never worked well for me, so my doc put me on shots. I go in every three weeks, get a nice big fat shot and my levels are fine, in the 600's. 

It literally takes less than 30 min and I am in and out. It is not a problem, and all the girls in the office love me and think it is "cute" that an "Old guy" gets laid this much...

Find the right doc, and don't let him feel or say that he is "not a man" if he has to take T shots or any of that crap... Just do it.

The shots work MUCH better than anything else... With my copay I think it costs 30 a month...

Oh and the V part... Both V and Cialis are generic now, so if he has any issues with this at all, taking it will allow him NOT TO WORRY ABOUT HIS PERFORANCE at all. 

In fact, having no worries allows men to take their time in a lot of ways, I also helps them last longer as well, you can stop and start as you need to and it is not an issue...

So yes, it may help him not worry as much and make it more fun for him...

Same thing goes for this as it does for T shots, it is just silly to not be where you used to be if the science allows you to perform like a 30 YO...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Spicy said:


> So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...
> 
> ...... my question is:
> 
> ...





Spicy said:


> Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.
> 
> Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.





Spicy said:


> We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?


OK to answer your questions: I am HD and 70, W is LD 69. She has a number of body self image issues, which get in the way. Been married 47+ years.

Sex with W: usually weekend morning, about an hour, multiple O's for her, one for me. Also either a Wednesday or Thursday morning also about an hour, about half the time multiple 0's for her, and one for me.

Sex with M: masturbate several mornings a week.

Now to address a few things. If you need more than he can provide, try self love. Since you and he talk freely, tell him that you would like him to hold you while you take care of things. It can be a special time together. 

Since you talk freely find out if there is any role playing or sex-like things the two of you can do, that he wouldn't consider as sex, but that you would. The mind is the biggest sex organ and can be easily fooled in and LTR as your partner knows you very well.

As to Low T, well that has lots and lots of implications. Low T levels often result in loss of muscle mass, being chronically tired, low bone density, and low libido. HRT is much more than a libido thing. If it is low, it can be a quality of life thing. That is what your H and his doctor should really focus on. As to recreational sex drugs. Unless he has a medical or mental problem with sex, I would suggest that the two of you not dabble in that.

If you want to read and gain some insights into you and your H's sexuality, may I suggest you get a copy of David Schnarch's book Intimacy and Desire. You will learn that the low desire partner controls the frequency and style of sex. That the LD partner control's the HD partner's sense of worth. That there is self-validated and other (partner) validated sexual desire and that people tend to play mental games with each other based on our need to be emotionally validated by our partner. This need to partner emotional validation also is based on weakness or lack of emotional growth within ourselves. Not everything Schnarch writes about is true for all couples, but he has some insights that tend to knock most people for a loop and force them to do some serious introspection about why sex is so important to them, what intimacy really means, etc.

Good luck.

P.S. Seriously envious of all of you who are mating like bunny rabbits.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I have been married for over a decade, and i also have a girlfriend...

Early 30s. The polyamory might not fit your profile... Up to you to decide. I only mention it to say that my total time having sex each day is not the same as my wifes.

Sessions with my wife usually last between 15 minutes to half an hour before she is too exhausted to continue. We usually have sex twice a day when i am home. 

So, half an hour a day to an hour a day having sex with my wife.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?


That’s what viagra is for,getting and sustaining an erection for longer.Some men who don’t need it to get an erection,they use it so they can last longer.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Yes, I’ve told him everything. It feels like we have talked it to death.
> 
> Being more aggressive is one of the things I am working on.


Well I really can't speak much to this as any interest from my wife is pretty much enough for me. But I do understand with life and work sometimes it's hard to find the time where one of you is not tired or your mind is somewhere else. 

I am sure I am not telling you something you don't already know. 

It is interesting though when you read about folks in affairs how hyper-sexual they get. Doesn't seem to work that way in marriage much though. Not sure why that is. You would thing that would be the goal of both spouses. Maybe it's something about not having the freedom to act that way because of ones commitment. Meaning it's more about the restrictions and stuff. 

I remember once when I was 17 I really liked this women who was my supervisor at a job I had, but she was in her early 20s. I pursued and pursued and she kept telling me that though she liked me she wasn't interested because of how young I was. Eventually enough persistence and she just admitted she liked me one night. By the way I should say I pursued her by like leaving notes at her desk, flirting with her about her how pretty I thought she was, how lucky the guys were who were dating her. She never once said to stop, she just kind of dismissed me like I was a kid (Oh you are a sweet kid, one day you are going to make some girl very lucky but it can't be me) type of stuff. Eventually though as I could tell she was attracted to me and I got her to admit it and then all bets were off. That may have been the most intense early in the relationship experience I ever had. I always relate this to how affairs must feel. Part of my excitement of the whole thing was the pursuit, the challenge and the success. I remember being shocked that it happened. 

Here is the thing with that. The whole thing was like a match, meaning it sparked very bright but was over for me very quickly. In about 3 months time I realized I didn't really like her besides being attracted to her and then had to admit to that to her. To this day I still feel very bad about that. My excuse was this was the first girl I ever had the guts enough to pursue that way and I had no idea the difference between lust and real feelings. She was very hurt though. 

I guess I say all that to say if you could figure out a way to get your husband to feel that intensity. My point is a lot of that was a trick my mind was playing on me, which is not to say in the right context that would be a bad thing. Not sure what that is but if you could find the thing that turns him on and play with that, that might get him into it more. That is what I mean by seduction. 

He must have some things right? It's hard to speak to that is I can only speak for myself. Also I don't feel really comfortable saying much more about this to a stranger on we board or really anyone other then my wife. I reserve that for her.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

To feel that intensity you have to remove some of the comfort of the relationship by separating the mundane chores from your life and doing things on your own. There's a book called Mating in Captivity that explains it quite well. The opposite of comfort is excitement, so you have to throw a wrench in the normal pattern.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Curious why you want to know what other people’s sex life looks like rather than asking how to possibly improve your own sex life.

But ok...I like variety a lot and try not to do it the same way, the same time or the same place every day. Frequency is now pretty good (every day or almost every day, depends on workload or how much travelling I’m doing). We vary it between slow & sensual at night (1-2 hours) or a quickie in the morning, after doing some work out (I like this one especially: both on a workout high and really sweaty...). 
We flirt during the day, so I can gather ‘intel’ what she would like in the evening: if she’s flirty but feisty, i know (how) she will want me to ‘punish’/dominate the crap out of her at night. 
I like outdoor sex but that’s sometimes not feasible (if we are out with others or kids...).

It took a while to arrive at this point though: in the past she seemed more tense & closed up about her sexuality; it took a long time for her to trust, be more comfortable and just go with it (maybe that’s an age thing: we are 36-38). I don’t really feel like there anything I can take credit for.

In the past, there was a lot of mind ****ing/barricades for me to have to break through that she would put up before anything could happen, but I eventually learnt to use it to my ‘advantage’. With her, it seems she doesn’t always know or knows how to articulate what she wants and it would often be the opposite of what she is actually saying (i learnt how to read her body language and listen to that more, rather than her words when it comes to sex; it seems more reliable that way.) It’s not that I think she is not ‘qualified’ to speak about sex but that there is often a clear contradiction (it seems to me) between what she thinks she wants and what she actually wants...Maybe I imagine it (probably partly). But it all falls into place when we do role plays and she can ‘pretend’ to be whoever she wants and I can treat her a million different ways so that she can get lost in fantasises, whatever they may be (or maybe that’s being her authentic self, I dunno which one is which).

In a way this was all very foreign and different and I wish somebody taught me this so that I could have figured it all out much MUCH earlier. But since I have figured it out, things have never been the same. She actually enjoys and wants it, maybe in more abundance than me (or at least with more or a lot of intensity). The main thing I learnt is that it’s actually very little to do with physical stimulations and all to do with stimulating the most important organ: the brain.

Dunno if any of it is helpful.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ps: Forgot to say that I was not sure at times whether I was on the ‘right path’ but when I described what my wife was like (submissive etc), I had a number of (very helpful) messages from other women who identified with something similar and it gave me confidence to continue and get better at it (and I’m glad I did!).


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Those figures seem pretty apropos for senior citizens, but my celibacy problem is largely self-inflicted because of a severe lack of trust in meeting quality women!
> 
> Hope and pray that's not the case with you! *


Arb, get out of that rut and take a leap of faith. Life is too short.there are lots of quality women out there.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

yes there is you just have to find them

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> *Arb, get out of that rut and take a leap of faith. Life is too short. There are lots of quality women out there.*


*Beat you to the punch, NLLH! I've been conversing/texting with one lady both online and by phone for about 5+ months now!

She's resides up in the Texas Hill Country, some 120 miles from here! Might try to set up a meeting with her sometime after the Holidays!

Please be advised, that as a poker player, Ol' Arb doesn't necessarily advertise exactly what cards he is holding in his hand, although he doesn't rightfully know if it it's something of an "ace" or a "joker" caliber! And the very same thing should be said for this dear lady!

I reckon, in time, we'll find out! 
*


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow, thanks for all the replies friends. I will read all these and answer questions during the night.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

and yes i am still looking 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> How many of you folks who have sex often are feeling "something" carnal when you are near your spouse? I mean, what kind of natural attraction do you have between you? Do you even know or think about it?


Great question. I don’t know that I have ever experienced it to the level you are describing. I dated a decent amount when young, but didn’t have sex before marriage. There was one guy that could make my whole body blush tho! Whoa!

My first H was not someone I was very physically attracted too, but I fell in love with all the rest that he was, and for the most part we had a decent sex life until things went way wrong with him.

As far as my H, I am massively attracted to him. More than I have ever been to anyone. I want to touch him all the time. I would love for it to lead to more, most of that time. He is very handsome to me. I love his body, and his biceps make me blush and feel like I want to devour him. 

Sadly, because of our situation, I have now dialed these feelings way back. I will discuss this more while answering another poster. I did not have this type of attraction to my first H, but I was in love with him, and he was my outlet for sex, and we had a blast learning together.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Spicy said:


> Great question. I don’t know that I have ever experienced it to the level you are describing. I dated a decent amount when young, but didn’t have sex before marriage. *There was one guy that could make my whole body blush tho! * Whoa!
> 
> My first H was not someone I was very physically attracted too, but I fell in love with all the rest that he was, and for the most part we had a decent sex life until things went way wrong with him.
> 
> ...


That's kind of what I was talking about. Probably something you couldn't control? I know I couldn't control feeling it, but I could control my actions, as I think you did. 

So, what is different with this current husband? You didn't place him in the same category. I don't know how to interpret what you said.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Spicy said:


> We did have it checked a few years ago, and it was boarderline, so we should check it again. I think he will. He is game for a Viagra trial, should we get it just for fun?? I can Get him off no prob, but I would love to play with some rock hard meat for a while myself. That would be epic. Is that what you are suggesting it for? What might we be able to do with it?


I've recently started experimenting with the generic of Cialis, Tadalfil, doing the daily dose and it really works.
Without it, I can get erection but if I'm distracted in the slightest, I lose it. My wife was thinking not so much that I had a problem, but that I no longer fancied her. She was not so concerned about getting an orgasm herself, but would depend on me cumming to get any satisfaction (and to "prove" that she was desirable) so I would try and cum as quickly as possible before it softened. If she tried to fondle me, I would often brush off her hand for fear of not rising to it.
Now with Tadafil daily (2.5mg) I can get an erection anytime and all it takes is a slightly erotic thought to enter my head. Sometimes doing a slow dance together is enough. Now my erections are as firm as those of my youth which delights both of us and can easily last throughout a lengthy foreplay and intercourse without having to rush it, lasting a while after ejaculation (she likes me to stay in for a while afterwards). Although these drugs do not directly increase libido, having the confidence to last takes away the anxiety that cripples it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

@BluesPower Yes, I hate you too. :x



> But my question to you @Spicy, is why not just attack your H and tie him up and have your way with him.


I do some times, did the other day, just had to get some. He generally won’t say no, but I don’t do this super often. I think I don’t because I _know_ he isn’t as interested in it even remotely as often as me. He has verbalized it. He shows it. We are still in our 40’s. He would be totally fine with once a month, and claims he hasn’t been with hardly any women in a relationship that liked sex. That’s a wasteland for me. 

It’s inconceivable still that I am even having any conversations with a man about why we can’t have more sex!!!!! SO STUPID. But I picked him, so a lot of this is my own fault.

Plus, I think I don’t because now my heads gotten really messed up by this, and it makes me feel not desired by him, and like I’m forcing him to do something. I get hurt, confused, almost offended. Tons of emotions involved. 

Like has been said, if it could just be carnal for me and I could be a cave woman dragging him to the bedroom by his hair that would be great. Sadiy, I think for a lot of us there is way more thought and emotion involved than need be.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sorry I am taking so long to reply to everyone, things got crazy here.



SunCMars said:


> Be careful!
> 
> Use motion, not words.
> 
> ...


My dear Sun....then I have already stung him a lot. We are both direct and frank, and we talk pretty much all day every day. So when this subject arises, I have always said how I feel and the effect this is having on me and us. I also always have suggestions and usually some encouragement. I am never cruel. I try hard to not use my words in a mean way. During a few fights I have said a couple of things that were meant to sting, and I wish I hadn’t said. 

Sometimes it feels like it is in one ear out the other...and you said “They hear the words, they flee them”...now that is one of the best sentences I have read by you...and I will be thinking about that for days, because it is so very true...I massively enjoy most of what you write!! Thanks for the input!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I suspect nothing you can do will ever make him desire you the way you want to be desired. He may agree to have sex, but that really isn't the same. 

Sexual / asexual (or near asexual) relationships are usually pretty miserable. 

For a person with normal libido, being dragged off to the bedroom by their lover sounds like great fun. For an asexual though, it may not be at all. 






Spicy said:


> @BluesPower Yes, I hate you too. :x
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Ok this may be the problem...
> 
> Some doctors take a really weak approach to treating T levels.
> 
> ...


Great post BP, I want him to do ALL of this. I deserve it and so does he. Thank you!!!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Spicy said:


> @BluesPower Yes, I hate you too. :x
> 
> I do some times, did the other day, just had to get some. He generally won’t say no, but I don’t do this super often. I think I don’t because I _know_ he isn’t as interested in it even remotely as often as me. He has verbalized it. He shows it. We are still in our 40’s. He would be totally fine with once a month, and claims he hasn’t been with hardly any women in a relationship that liked sex. That’s a wasteland for me.
> 
> ...


What you describe to me sounds like, even if his T is borderline that he needs to get into the shots. 

He may not want to, but I am betting that it will help him a lot. 

Oddly enough, I did not really start taking T shots to improve my sex drive as it was already high, it was to improve my energy level and it helps me think more clearly and be more focused. 

But it does not hurt my drive that is for sure. 

I also wonder if, being 40ish, if he is too focused on career and money, because if he is, your woman is always more important, above everything, even kids. If you and him, have a passionate love affair, the rest will work out. 

Try to explain that to him. And I also wonder if you are blunt enough with your talks, for example, saying "I need to get ****ed more, is a lot more straight forward for guys, as stupid as we can be, to understand". 

Example with GF, in the car, her car, and she says, "I don't know where my insurance card is"...

Translation for a guy, "Slow the **** down, you are driving too fast"... 

Be blunt...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@Spicy I pulled your thread up because I saw your reply on the sexless marriage books thread. Trying to keep it in one place for you.

Your story reminds me a lot of a friend of mine who I have talked about here before (though I’ve talked about several of them but)...here is their recap:

She had been married to a creep who cheated on her and was distrustful of men after she left him. But she was also a spicy gorgeous thick Italian chick with strong sexual needs. 

After her D, she mostly abstained from sex because she was still grossed out by what her ex had done. Then she started wishing for a man who “didn’t just want sex”. She imagined an intellectual man, her equivalent (she’s a fancy biz professional in NYC), who wasn’t a slave to his ****.

She met him, a lovely colleague. He was perfect. And he didn’t just want sex.

The problem was he didn’t ever want sex.

At first she was confused. They talked. He explained that he just isn’t that sexual, that he doesn’t understand why everyone else is so obsessed about sex. He said that he wasn’t compelled to have sex or seek it out.

She explained that while she was glad he’s not a hound, she did want him to passionately take her and she wanted the intimacy and bonding from it and she loved him and was attracted to him. She wanted an active sex life.

She - like I said, is gorgeous and just oozes sex appeal. She is also demonstrative and creative and funny. She doesn’t feel like she’s sexy but she does feel sexual. She is sexy, I assured her constantly, but she didn’t really strive for sexy. She just was striving for having a great sex life with this new man she loved.

She made excuses to herself and decided she could handle it. Over the years she read books and begged him to read them and begged him to go to MC and begged for him to touch her randomly. She would initiate and be turned down almost 100% of the time, so she finally refused to do it anymore.

She really thought when she started out that she would be able to either change him or change herself. She thought this would mean logical marital compromise. Like she lower her desires and he raise his libido. But it really boils down to changing each other sometimes, its what we call compromise when we don’t want to call it what it is. And I don’t think that’s possible.

The end result, they have a kid. She can’t stand him now. He will never touch her again at this point because long ago they stopped trying to have a physical relationship. He knows his lack of a sex drive killed it all, but he’s just filled with shame about that. He knows he can’t fulfill her and he isn’t going to try. His shame isn’t going to change it.

She’s waiting until the kid is a little older then will leave.

She’s also one of the ones I mentioned on another thread who found a sex coach (wink wink). That was after literally years of no sex and she’s had decided she’s leaving when the kid is older.

Here is something that seems different in your sitch...

You and your H do seem to love each other with a lot more ooey gooey type of love and admiration. If that makes sense. You sound more compatible in other ways than they were. They were sort of a professional couple and that was a little bit steely, I think. But you and your H sound warm and cozy and in love.

I’m sharing the story to you because she also read the SSM book (way back in the early days when she was still trying) and her H agreed to read it and understand and then he never did past a few pages. Just like your H. 

I think her your story may have in common with yours is that your H probably won’t ever find the inner desire to change things. Because men with low T and other issues (her H had a couple of issues actually) don’t feel that fire within that makes them want to get out of that rut. They are comfortable there and wish to be left alone. They do not want to be changed or “improved”. That’s something I think you may have to consider, can I live with it if it never changes?


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Spicy said:


> So my H and I are in a LD/HD mismatch but are very in love...
> 
> I think, he thinks that the sex I want is always like an hours worth. Why? I think the assumption is based on that we don’t do it nearly enough, so when we do, he spends plenty of time with me. If I had it often, that is not what I personally would expect (or want). Plus we have tons of time, so there is no constraints on our time anyway. I get that he can’t get me to I cum in 60 seconds like he can. So I know a bit more effort is invovled. I don’t think he’s opposed to it, but...yeah, I wish I knew all this. Why can’t we just mess around...a lot??! I’m tired of “thinking and talking about it”.
> 
> ...




Me and DH have sex about 3 times a week on average. And they vary each time. Normally I'm the easier one and will have 2-4 orgasms a session but DH requires longer. I think most sessions last anywhere from 30- 45 minutes with some being a bit faster (20 minutes) and others being longer (60-90 minutes) depending on the situation. We have two kids (9 and 3) and I'm currently pregnant with number three so it can be a bit pressed for time. Ok even rarer occasions we will do it twice in one day like yesterday morning for about 30 minutes and again later that night when the kids went to bed. The second round lasted about 90 minutes. 

We are just about perfectly matched in drive now but it wasn't always that way for us. We've been together a long time (since highschool) and I used to be a much lower drive. It started creating tension as the years went by and I was refusing him more and more until one point I had a random increase in drive and my husband denied me outright for almost two months. I was mad at him at first but I honestly couldn't blame him for the way he acted, it's what I had been doing to him for years. Anyway, I told him how he was making me feel and then immediately told him I get it now. I was always more reserved and shy and never initiated and I had hurt him, unintentionally, for years. Happy to report that the last argument we had over sex was almost 6 years ago now and we are evenly matched lol took a lot of work on my part, and a lot of patience on his, but we fixed it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

@Spicy - Just to follow up with what @BluesPower has posted already, if your H is "borderline" I would definitely push him to look in to TRT. I am not quite sure what borderline exactly means as well. For example, for T levels the "accepted" range can be quite wide, from 300-1000 as an example. Someone at 300 would technically be normal (if they were 80 yrs old), and unfortunately many doctors do not take this seriously. After several years of things just being off and being brushed off by my doctor, I saw a TRT specialist. Sure enough, my levels were below 300. I started therapy a little over a month ago, best decision I have made (I am 39 so just under you guys). You don't realize how $hitty you actually have felt since that just becomes the normal feeling. It has made a big difference in our sex life this past month, and I have a feeling it could get things closer to what you are looking for with your H. I had started a TRT thread in the Man Cave section if you are interested as well.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> @Spicy - Just to follow up with what @BluesPower has posted already, if your H is "borderline" I would definitely push him to look in to TRT. I am not quite sure what borderline exactly means as well. For example, for T levels the "accepted" range can be quite wide, from 300-1000 as an example. Someone at 300 would technically be normal (if they were 80 yrs old), and unfortunately many doctors do not take this seriously. After several years of things just being off and being brushed off by my doctor, I saw a TRT specialist. Sure enough, my levels were below 300. I started therapy a little over a month ago, best decision I have made (I am 39 so just under you guys). You don't realize how $hitty you actually have felt since that just becomes the normal feeling. It has made a big difference in our sex life this past month, and I have a feeling it could get things closer to what you are looking for with your H. I had started a TRT thread in the Man Cave section if you are interested as well.


 @Spicy

If your husband truly loves you and cares about your happiness, he will pursue this.

If he doesn't, I think you have to question if he really loves you and cares about you as much as he claims.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm late to the party, but here goes.

As of now, the wife and I are on a schedule to have sex 3 days a week, once during each of those days. It's probably more like a sex starved marriage to some on here, but it's the best compromise for us. Our schedule looks like this: 

Sunday in the afternoon (sometimes in the morning) - typically best sex of the week. Foreplay is normally about 30 min to 45 min while the act itself is about 20 - 30 min. 

Wednesday first thing in the morning before work but could be in the evening - if in the morning (usual) then it's basically a quickie. 5 to 10 min foreplay tops and about 15 - 30 min of sex. Lowest quality sex typically because of the rushed nature of it. If in the evening, it's not a quickie and it can be better

Saturday almost always in the morning when we first wake up - typically the 2nd best sex but can be the best sex on some occasions. Like Sunday afternoons, it's not rushed and normally mimics Sunday afternoons for duration.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm late to the game as well but here it goes:

mid 40's

2/3 times a week but I think the important part is that we are always engaged in touch and play. We game each other with tension building.

While we used to talk about it plenty back when I was looking for change in our sex life, we rarely talk about it now as a "need to fix" and more as a
"make sure each other has what they need" but the talk is less and less and the play is more and more.

The fact that we are always "in touch" soothes the frustrated voices in the head that I used to have. This alone has been a huge part of the equation.

We took on learning some massage techniques and enjoy the times when we have the opportunity to use them. These sessions are usually a little over an hour.
These are always when the kids are out the house as it completely allows us to relax.

We almost always bath or shower together....a natural opportunity for touch and more. (Buy a water softener for your home, it makes the water very slippery)

We make sure we have date time .... a natural way to build sexual tension and remove us from home surroundings .... conversation is unhindered

Yoga ..... love it. When the kids are out this often leads to sex....if not there will be a lot of other play. Yoga is also great to calm the head.

Try the massage thing !!!!!


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry, but a T shot every 3 weeks is terrible protocol. Your level will spike & then crash, and you'll get more estrogen conversion from the excess. Keeping things consistent requires a frequency in line with the halflife of the ester you're using. For T cypionate, that's about twice a week. You can do it yourself, subcutaneously & painlessly, using tiny 31g insulin syringes...no need for office visits & IM pig-stickers.


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