# Curiosity killed the cat



## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

I will try and keep this as short as I can, My fiance and I have been engaged since June - We moved in together this past March. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster and after several trust issues I felt that she had proved herself thus me popping the question.

Just the other night, we attended my friends' engagement party, my ex girlfriend who I had dated for 3 years - which was about 3 years prior to meeting my fiance was at the party. I opted not to tell her that my ex would be there because she is a bit irrational when it comes to these things. I admit I was wrong for not telling her, and it was a huge mistake on my part.

She has been telling her friends and family how I have lied to her and that she is very hurt over this lie. She knows I love her but she doesn't know why I didn't tell her.

She recently became friendly with a security guard at her job, she works retail and closes. She doesn't like being alone, so he comes and stays with her while she closes. She has told me about him and it didn't bother me until they started to text one another back and forth....

This is where I fear curiosity killed the cat...her phone was on the couch and she was sleeping in our bedroom, I decided to take a look since when I did in the past, I always found something that she wasn't telling me. Sure enough, she called him last night to vent about our fight, and the text messages said that "sorry for my drunken rant, i know i was saying things like ohh if i were single haha" His response was "well idk if that is a good or a bad thing but I am glad I met you" It appears that he has a girlfriend but she had asked him to come by the store during this week on the three nights that she closes because she "wishes he was there" She also said that he is her pick-me-up...

I feel like I should confront her on this, two wrongs do not make a right. I admit, not telling her that my ex was at the party was wrong, but it is also wrong for her to be speaking to this person

Any suggestions? Advice? Am I losing my marbles? Thanks in advance...


-A very lost fiance...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Looks like you have an EA on your hands.

I don't understand why you would even take your fiancee to that party, if she is insecure.

Of course, she should realize that your ex is no threat and have more confidence in you too.


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## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

What is an EA? I know, but ever since we moved in together I don't really see my friends. We just had our engagement party two weeks ago, my friend has asked me to be in the bridal party. I feel that if I told her, she would have asked me not to go to the party thus causing issues with my friend. 

We left the party early....so either way I lose.

Should I confront her about this? I asked her if she spoke to anyone else about this, she didn't mention the security guard.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Emotional Affair. Your fiancee is being inappropriately open and flirting with another man. 

If you confront your fiancee, she will know that you snooped. If dealing with the fallout from that action does not bother you, then you should discuss it with her. 

Try fishing and see if she bites. Start talking about work friends and the importance of appropriate boundaries.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Wait, its okay to flirt with another man because your ex was at a party? Dude, I'd think twice about her if I was you.


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## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

I have snooped before - and found that she had been talking with an ex that was entered in her phone as her friend Brittni...

When I confronted her on it, she twisted that arguement on me saying how I don't trust her - Which I don't...

I am thinking about going to the store tomorrow after she closes and see if he is there, I can see how she reacts.

I am just so lost...I feel that no matter what I do to prove my love to her, it is never good enough.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Don't marry her. You will be here in a year or two talking about how betrayed you are after finding out about her cheating. It will happen.


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## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

So confront her about this and say that is unacceptable?

I spoke with my parents about it, my Mother suggest that I "scare" her and she what happens. Maybe stay at home for a week or so to think things over.

I just feel like I have invested so much into her emotionally that starting over would be too painful..


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Bullsh*t. 

She is not behaving like someone in love, someone who is crazy about you and wants to make a life together.... this is not how engaged people act. 

It shouldn't even be this much work at this point, or any point.... it means that it shouldn't even happen. 

I'd tell her what you know, and that it is bull, and that the engagement is off. Why be engaged to someone who is not that into you?


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## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

And just the other day she bought me this messanger bag I've been talking about and gave me this really sweet card saying how grateful she is that I am in her life. How I have stuck with her through the ups and downs and I am her everything.

So at this point, confront her - and maybe take a "break" for now? I just feel that if I don't take care of this now it will just turn into something that I won't have any control over.

I want to be clear, the text messages that he has sent, aside from the one saying he was glad they met - they have been very unthreatening. 

Suggestions on what to do next?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like there is a lack of trust and insecurities on both sides. That's a lot to deal with and marriage is not going to make it go away nor will it make it better. I don't think confronting her at work is a good idea, but you do need to get things out in the open. 

It is not clear whether there is something going on at her work, but


> after several trust issues I felt that she had proved herself thus me popping the question


What were the trust issues and how did she "prove" herself?

You brought her to a public place (the party) and got her ambushed by an ex. Sounds like one heck of a sh#$t test. And looks like she failed. So.....???:scratchhead:


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Dude, there are so many other good women out there. You really shouldn't have to work this hard to be in love with someone. call off the engagement until further notice. Tell her this will give you both time to work on "us".


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I really hope you aren't getting married anytime soon. This is not something to rug sweep. 

Personally, after what I've been through, I would be running away as fast as I could. I mean, for the love of God, the two of you aren't even married yet and she flat out lied about the other dude on the phone. You are telling me she had an ex beau entered in as a girl and tried to make excuses about it? That's messed up, dude.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Don't marry her. You will be here in a year or two talking about how betrayed you are after finding out about her cheating. It will happen.


I would listen to sinnister here. She can get all bent out of shape if you do it but when it comes to her, you better get down on your knees and bow down to her.

And how can the messages be just friendly banter. She wants him to come down on his day off (from what you've posted it seems like it's his days off since she wants him to be there one those 3 nights) to be with her and that's not threatening? Really.....

Why isn't she asking you, her damn fiance to be there when she closes? When my wife (before we got married) used to work at a clinic and she closed, she always called me to come there and help her close up because it was late. Man, are you deluded thinking it's all innocent.

As for you not telling her your ex was going to be there, dumb move on your part. Live and learn.

And this isn't the 1st time either so good luck there buddy. If they don't learn the 1st time, they don't usually learn until they get burned. And your mom's idea of scaring her is not getting burned, it's a slap on the wrist because you're still going to take her back.

Call of the wedding and let her work her behind off to prove to you that she's really changed, if you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO HAVE THIS ONE.
If not, run like crazy and don't ever look back.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

You need to be careful because you,
Don't wanna fall on a razor's edge and
You feel at ease you're begging please
Don't take her down for nothing.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I've got to say it, since no-one else will.....

You're BOTH TOO YOUNG/IMMATURE to get married. By immature I do not mean babyish, I mean you haven't even finished developing your personalities, you haven't even experienced life on your own, but you're all rarin' to go to hook up with someone else "FOREVER" (which, in all actuality with the problems you two are looking at, will probably be more like 2-3 years.)

Save yourselves the headache and CALL OFF THE WEDDING.
STOP LIVING TOGETHER.
Give yourself (to heck with your fiancee) 5-10 more YEARS to finish GROWING UP!

1. You cannot TELL her that your ex-GF will be a social function that you have an obligation to attend (as a member of the wedding party) because she is so DRAMATIC that it will upset her.

2. Your fiancee cannot act maturely enough to hang out at someone ELSE'S special day (an engagement party, no less) for the few hours a social function lasts because......apparently, life is ALL ABOUT HER! It's not as though it was just her, you and ex-GF. Your fiancee needs to GROW UP, MATURE, and get over herself.

3. You admit your relationship is ALREADY a rollercoaster! Marriage ain't gonna straighten out the curves on THAT RIDE, buddy!

4. Your fiancee has ALREADY LIED TO YOU SIGNIFICANTLY by hiding an ex-BF's phone number under a girl's name and then REFUSING to woman-up about it.

5. Your fiancee is starting an emotional affair with a guy at work because he's convenient, sympathetic, etc. They are already inappropriately talking about your relationship and TEXTING each other.

If you continue LIVING WITH THIS girl/woman (she's NOT a woman yet), then you DESERVE the misery, and DRAMA, the upheaval your life will be because WE'RE WARNING YOU NOW. You ALREADY KNOW that something is very WRONG here, or you wouldn't even have come looking for this website.

If you continue to be engaged to this person, then expect that NOTHING will change except that YOU will continue to be wondering about her wandering eye, her texting, her 'nights out', her next crying bout with her family! This girl is NOT ready for a committed relationship with ANYONE. She may be more interested in the PERCEPTION of adult living (your own apartment, a diamond ring, etc.) than she is about the REALITY OF COMMITTMENT and striving TOGETHER TO BUILD SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.

YOU *LIE* TO *HER*....omg, buy that girl a MIRROR.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do not pass go, do not marry....You could look at this as a blessing.... catching this before you did the dirty deed. 

No man should marry a woman they can't be honest with, feeling they are walking on "egg shells" -over her heightened Drama...this is no way to live & furthermore, she has no inkling on what being an honest woman is... 

Open heartfelt communication is the foundation of every healthy marraige....you humbly go to each other with your hurts, not reaching out to another for solace....this has been shown to be slaughtered ....I'd tell her exactly what you found (if it was me- that is - I would not be ashamed either)...She was to be your wife... her phone ~ your phone, your phone ~ her phone. An attitude of anything less...(after this knowledge).... neither of you are prepared to share a life together. There is a reason they say..."the 2 shall become one". 

A willing transparency & openness towards each other -in all things - most especially conflict, hurt feelings, questions, doubt.... absolutely ESSENTIAL - if you want a marriage to survive and thrive.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You think you're too "emotionally" invested? Wait until two years down the road, you finally realized you can't turn a hoe into a housewife and you're emotionally, financially, and physically invested into this chick for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! And for the next 18-24 years you will write her a check every month to subsidize her whoring ways! Run, run run! Next time she is taking a nap, dig through her purse and find your balls!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The security guard was telling her that he is glad that he met her.

Women eat this stuff up. Soon, (if she hasn't already), she will be asking "Why can't my fiancee be as sweet as the security guard?"

She has already complained to him about you.

Men eat this stuff up. They think "Trouble in paradise and a damsel in distress? Time to put on my shining armor and get on my white horse."

Face the facts-she is at the very least, infatuated with this new "hero" in her life, and in her eyes, you are failing to measure up.

Call off the marriage while you can still get out.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Huh! So she can cavort with other men and exes (and lie about them), yet you can't go to parties where your ex might be...Not filling her in was a bit of a gaff on your part, but doesn't excuse what SHE'S doing. And she's trying to do exactly that. Justify herself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If you marry the unreasonable controling bi*ch then is on you! she has given her true colors run for the Fing hills!!!!!!!!!!!!


what a peice of work! yuck


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I've got to say it, since no-one else will.....
> 
> You're BOTH TOO YOUNG/IMMATURE to get married. By immature I do not mean babyish, I mean you haven't even finished developing your personalities, you haven't even experienced life on your own, but you're all rarin' to go to hook up with someone else "FOREVER" (which, in all actuality with the problems you two are looking at, will probably be more like 2-3 years.)
> 
> ...


Cat, I'm quoting this for impact. Take it from some who was in his early twenties and had a GF, then Fiancee, then Wife, then ex-wife who cheated.

Men shouldn't married until they're 30. We're just not ready yet (okay some are but most aren't). Women CAN be ready earlier but your fiancee definitely isn't one of them.

You're only going to end up with these issues MAGNIFIED when you're married. 

You need to figure out what you will and won't take in a relationship. A good relationship shouldn't be that hard and you shouldn't EVER feel like you have to hide details like you did.

Your Fiancee...Well that's a whole other animal. She's not done having partners, she's insecure (EXTREMELY and in dangerous ways) and she's just not ready to be able to have a truly committed healthy relationship. Does she love you...I'm sure she does somewhere, but that's not enough.

The feelings of love and lust ebb and flow in a relationship, but trust, communication and respect are the foundation. Obviously you don't have any of those three things so you're building your house on a hill of sand.


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## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

I can't say thank you enough to everyone and their responses. Honestly, I didn't realize something like this site existed. Thank you so much!

I called her out on everything this morning, at first she denied it saying that she didn't tell anyone else about our fight from the weekend. Then I called her a liar and sent her his number (the security guard) she said she had never seen that number before. LIAR!!!

I called her and read her the details of their text messaging and then she fessed up to everything. 

Apparently due to the hours she works at her new job (1-9pm) I work 8am-4pm, that we never see one another she wasn't getting the attention I used to give her. I said it wasn't a reason to go elsewhere to get the attention. She said that she was wrong and understands there is a lot of work to be done in order to gain my trust. 

I am not sure what to do here - I feel that here apology is sincere but I have heard it before, however her committment to making this work was very strong. 

My question for you all - how does she go about gaining my trust? I can't think of any other way then for me to be controlling and I don't think that is the answer. 

The damage is done, I am very torn but feel like I should see if she truly changes. Do I give it a time frame and see where we are at? I am not sure where to go from here

Thank you all again for all your suggestions and support - I am very grateful!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

cataclyst17 said:


> So confront her about this and say that is unacceptable?
> 
> I spoke with my parents about it, my Mother suggest that I "scare" her and she what happens. Maybe stay at home for a week or so to think things over.
> 
> I just feel like I have invested so much into her emotionally that starting over would be too painful..


I'm wondering why your mother would not advise you to get rid of this woman. Then again, adults should not bring their parents into relationship issues. 

How painful do you think it will be once you find out your wife is cheating on you? She is already having emotional affairs and telling lies. This will only get worse once she has you as her husband.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

God has given you a great gift. A glimpse into the misery you will feel in the future. Take it for what it is and act upon it. Most of us were not this lucky.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

cataclyst17 said:


> What is an EA? I know, but ever since we moved in together I don't really see my friends. We just had our engagement party two weeks ago, my friend has asked me to be in the bridal party. I feel that if I told her, she would have asked me not to go to the party thus causing issues with my friend.
> 
> We left the party early....so either way I lose.
> 
> Should I confront her about this? I asked her if she spoke to anyone else about this, she didn't mention the security guard.


Well, my ex husband didn't understand why I didn't want to go to his family's Christmas get together when the girl next door whose p*ssy he licked in the closet was there, and they were all giggling about it and saying oh no, (my name) is here and so is (her name). That family is now my ex family.

Duh, nobody wants to be looked at that way, being assessed for how you're going to react to your man's former long-term sex partner being in the room. 

If your friend was really a friend, to you and your marriage, he/she would never have put you or your fiance in this position to begin with, and if you were truly friends you would have asked him/her to change things around or you could have simply given your sincere but understandable regrets about not being in the wedding.

However, the damage that you have done is probably irreparable, you have shown yourself to have a big lack of understanding about other people's feelings and how to manage friends vs. marriage. Trust is everything. Who cares how you feel about your ex and your fiance? Your feelings don't matter in this case. Protecting your fiance's feelings and being considerate of them is something you take upon yourself when you decide to join yourself in marriage with her. She doesn't get less credit for being insecure, maybe she is insecure because she never knows what's going to come up next, what room is she going to walk into next week or month or year where there is another skeleton with T&A to be reckoned with? Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

She is looking for a guy she can trust with her feelings, it has probably nothing to do with sex or sexual attraction. She is looking for reassurance that a man really CAN listen to her emotional needs and protect them and that she can trust someone even not to want to get in her pants. Maybe she likes that he has a girlfriend and is not cheating on his girlfriend and would not. You can't know that this guy is a rival in entirety, I suspect he is just a random sample of how much of a friend a guy can be and how much a guy can be trusted. She lost her trust in you, she got tripped up in a social situation, put in above her ability. She wants to know that the type of guy she wants for a husband really does exist. I think you are probably over-reacting given the situation.

But it doesn't really matter. If you have to play games and call your Mom, never mind about getting married.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cataclyst17 said:


> I feel that here apology is sincere *but I have heard it before*, however her committment to making this work was very strong.


Only time will tell how "strong" her commitment truly is. 



cataclyst17 said:


> My question for you all - how does she go about gaining my trust? I can't think of any other way then for me to be controlling and I don't think that is the answer.
> 
> The damage is done, I am very torn but feel like I should see if she truly changes. Do I give it a time frame and see where we are at? I am not sure where to go from here.


You ask for complete and total transparency: all her passwords to all her accounts. You tell her to go no-contact with the security guard. Period. 

Don't buy into what she has apparently told you before. And please take a minute to seriously consider the advice you've been given here. You have WAAAAAYYYYYY too much mutual distrust, drama, and issues going on here. You think it's bad now? Heck, marriage will magnify the issues.

You asked for an opinion, so I'll give you mine: call off the engagement for now. Make sure you have access to all her data. Controlling? Heck, this woman lied out her wazoo about a number of things. People don't hide behind the bushes, so to speak, in a healthy marriage. All cards are out on the table.

Time to have her play her hand. You have every right to see the cards she was dealt. And f*** it if she calls you "controlling." Man up.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Asking relationship advice from your mother? :scratchhead:

I think that probably never ends well for thousands of reasons.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cataclyst17 said:


> I have snooped before - and found that she had been talking with an ex that was entered in her phone as her friend Brittni...
> 
> When I confronted her on it, she twisted that arguement on me saying how I don't trust her - Which I don't...
> 
> ...


Is she playing you for an idiot? If so, that's not right.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

A lot of good advice here. At a minimum you MUST confront her! If you over look this you are setting yourself up for a life of misery.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you were MY son, this is what I would tell you...

My honest opinion is this:

1. Call off the wedding NOW.
2. STOP living together NOW; I believe this relationship has run its course, but even if it hasn't, you two NEED A BREAK, because:

You confronted her, and she lied.
So you gave her his phone number, and she lied.
So you gave her the details on the texts, and THEN (and ONLY THEN) did she tell the truth!
THEN, she tried to blame it on YOU (you're not paying enough attention to ME, so rather than discuss it/deal with it WITH YOU, I will go sulk and flirt with some OTHER guy who WILL pay attention to ME.)

OF COURSE her apology is sincere. Undoubtedly, she REALLY DOES LOVE YOU....in her immature, still-in-high-school, not-ready-to-be-somebody's-life-mate, GOD-forbid-she-be-somebody's-mother WAY. She loves you as much as she is capable of RIGHT NOW, AT THIS POINT IN HER LIFE. But THIS....the person she is now....is NOT what you want for a life-partner and the mother of your children. You're not ready to be anybody's life-partner or father, either!

Do each other (and any potential future children) a favor and give yourselves TIME to grow up and become the ADULT you want to be BEFORE you commit to a lifetime with someone else (or before making one helluva valiant effort at a lifetime commitment with someone else.) RAISE YOURSELF UP to be a man/woman of INTEGRITY of MORALS of BACKBONE and STABILITY BEFORE you try to raise a child up.

Sex is FUN, living together is FUN, growing up is FUN. But, creating and maintaining a stable, loving mature environment for yourself and your children takes MORE THAN JUST FUN (although it is fun, too); it takes DISCIPLINE, MATURITY, SACRIFICE and a whole lot of other attributes that are just NOT achievable by people who haven't finished growing up into their fully-formed ADULT selves. When you get there, YOU'LL KNOW IT! In the meantime, HAVE FUN getting there, but do NOT be in a rush to start a family (even if it's just you & wife) when you're only half-equipped to do the task.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I wouldn't recommend staying with her. I would advise staying on several criteria that isn't in your situation.

1. If the person has been deceptive (or cheated once). She has lied about an ex in her phone. She went as far as to hide his name, giving it a less ominous title. Then, there is the security guard. 
2. If the person is married and has years invested into it. The truth is that you are young. There will be girls down the line that you are emotionally invested in.
3. Finally, if there are children involve and you can work it out. 

None of those apply here. While you did well confronting her about it, I don't really see the point in staying. I wouldn't go to my parents for relationship advice. They always have a bias opinion.

As far as her proving her trust, it takes time. She will have to SHOW you that you can trust her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

cataclyst, I agree with the others who believe your fiance is not ready for marriage. Despite what she says, she flirts with and pushes the edge of your relationship's boundaries. It may be for attention or just for a thrill. She will take years, if ever, to change and mature into a woman you can trust. How long can you live like that. Do not marry this girl.


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## Michelle C (Aug 15, 2012)

Nigel said:


> You need to be careful because you,
> Don't wanna fall on a razor's edge and
> You feel at ease you're begging please
> Don't take her down for nothing.


Love that song :smthumbup:


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Great advice so far!! 

I don't like the fact that she is already lying and hiding things from you. I don't know about you, but I'd be PISSED if my boyfriend was hiding some woman's name under a man's name in his phone, and I would lose a LOT of trust in him!! And you two already have a rocky relationship. If there's something that my parents always told me...things DON'T get better after marriage.

Have to agree that people (especially nowadays) should wait until they are at least 30 (for men) or late 20s (for women) to get married. I really do believe that you need a certain amount of life experience / maturity in order to make a marriage work. 

I agree that the idea of marriage sounds fun! Sex is fun, living together is fun, and so is growing up, as SlowlyGettingWiser mentioned above. But I know I'm certainly not ready at this point in time to get married. I know I still have more growing up to do on my own before I can even think about getting engaged / married...and I'm in my late 20s.

However, on the flip side, if you choose to stay with this girl, I'd try and work out your problems NOW before you get married and are stuck with her.


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## 360H (Sep 25, 2012)

If a married/engaged/taken woman tells another man:

_"... If only I was single ..."_ 

This is her way of enticing a man to pursue her. 

Since the beginning of time, it's also what nearly everyone has either thought or said just prior to a full blown affair. Wake up, my friend!

*R U N* ... while you can!

The "investment" you say you've put into this will be pennies compared to the "millions" you're going to lose spending years in the same orbit, realizing that just like for most of us, the end is much like the beginning!

Good luck on your sprint to freedom


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Next time she will hide her texts better. Good luck!!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I wonder if op is out rug shopping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cataclyst17 said:


> I have snooped before - and found that she had been talking with an ex that was entered in her phone as her friend Brittni...
> 
> When I confronted her on it, she twisted that arguement on me saying how I don't trust her - Which I don't...
> 
> ...


She has boundary problems. So basically when ever you snop ... you find soemthing. Not good.

Marriage is based on love and respect. Trust is a by product. 

You should have told her about the ex but that has nothing to do with her having poor boundaries. She should not be texting that guard at all. Get real. You should be able to trust her to not be in contact with an ex. She broke that trust. Blind trust is naive, lazy and ambivalent. But basically when a person challenges you on trusting them it is because you can't. They are breaking trust.

This is not the woman you are looking for.


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## cataclyst17 (Sep 24, 2012)

Well things have been better. I asked her why she did what she did. I am a very romantic guy, over the past several weeks I can admit that I have strayed from that. She openly said to me that she requires a lot of attention, she like to know that she is special. Not with gifts or anything like that but by reassuring her that I love her. Now even though this is good on the communication front, it doesn't mean that her actions were justified and she knows that. She is aware that trust will have to be gained and it is going to take a lot of work in order to get there. She says that this is something she doesn't want to throw away and will do whatever it takes to fix it. 

I suggested that she go and speak to a therapist again, like she has done in the past. It had helped her and it seems like she needs help still.

We will see how this all plays out. Thank you again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Nigel said:


> You need to be careful because you,
> Don't wanna fall on a razor's edge and
> You feel at ease you're begging please
> Don't take her down for nothing.


I thought that rung a bell:smthumbup:
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT - DOWN TO EARTH.mp4 - YouTube


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

cataclyst17 said:


> ..... she twisted that arguement on me saying how I don't trust her - Which I don't...


And you're getting married to her because..................????? :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

cataclyst17 said:


> Well things have been better. I asked her why she did what she did. I am a very romantic guy, over the past several weeks I can admit that I have strayed from that. She openly said to me that she requires a lot of attention, she like to know that she is special. Not with gifts or anything like that but by reassuring her that I love her. Now even though this is good on the communication front, it doesn't mean that her actions were justified and she knows that. She is aware that trust will have to be gained and it is going to take a lot of work in order to get there. She says that this is something she doesn't want to throw away and will do whatever it takes to fix it.
> 
> I suggested that she go and speak to a therapist again, like she has done in the past. It had helped her and it seems like she needs help still.
> 
> ...


You didn't say 'I love you' for few weeks and she openly told another man she could fantasize being single and continually texted him for attention. What will she do during the weekly lulls of 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years of marriage? Examine this closely. 

Sorry cataclyst, my first advice stands. 



anchorwatch said:


> cataclyst, I agree with the others who believe your fiance is not ready for marriage. Despite what she says, she flirts with and pushes the edge of your relationship's boundaries. It may be for attention or just for a thrill. She will take years, if ever, to change and mature into a woman you can trust. How long can you live like that. Do not marry this girl.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

cataclyst17 said:


> Well things have been better. I asked her why she did what she did. I am a very romantic guy, over the past several weeks I can admit that I have strayed from that. *She openly said to me that she requires a lot of attention, she like to know that she is special. Not with gifts or anything like that but by reassuring her that I love her.* Now even though this is good on the communication front, it doesn't mean that her actions were justified and she knows that. She is aware that trust will have to be gained and it is going to take a lot of work in order to get there. She says that this is something she doesn't want to throw away and will do whatever it takes to fix it.
> 
> I suggested that she go and speak to a therapist again, like she has done in the past. It had helped her and it seems like she needs help still.
> 
> ...


Are you sure you want to marry someone that requires a lot of attention? As the years go by, do you think you're going to be able to keep up, lavishing her with attention and love continually? Marriage is a long and arduous path. Lots of ups and downs. You won't be perfect, but it sounds like she'll expect you to be.

But for me, the most troubling part of this thread is the fact that you said "every time you've checked her phone, you've found something." If I were you, I would've found a way to monitor that phone constantly, set up a VAR in her car, etc....No scratch that. I'd simply be done with her and be happy I found out her true character and move on.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

cataclyst17 said:


> Well things have been better. I asked her why she did what she did. I am a very romantic guy, over the past several weeks I can admit that I have strayed from that. She openly said to me that she requires a lot of attention, she like to know that she is special. Not with gifts or anything like that but by reassuring her that I love her. Now even though this is good on the communication front, it doesn't mean that her actions were justified and she knows that. She is aware that trust will have to be gained and it is going to take a lot of work in order to get there. She says that this is something she doesn't want to throw away and will do whatever it takes to fix it.
> 
> I suggested that she go and speak to a therapist again, like she has done in the past. It had helped her and it seems like she needs help still.
> 
> ...


Hate to be a buzzkill, but your troubles are FAR from "over".


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Told you guys he was out rug shopping...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sbrown: what does rug shopping mean?

OP: you're being PLAYED!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

He is going to rug sweep her affair under (so it goes away). So he needs a new/bigger rug to sweep it under.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Told you guys he was out rug shopping...


Rug shopping's a lot easier than the messy burden of ending his engagement, and facing the embarrassment and emotions that go with it, and then starting over the process of dating again. Nope, it's much easier to buy that rug, then sweep the red flags under it.

I don't think the OP wants to listen to those of us who've been married a long time and know that red flags turn into major problems over time. The OP has been given a glimpse into her true character. It's a glimpse into the future.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

LOL, yea I finally had to buy wall to wall rugs in my first marriage. I got bad when I had to start crawling over the humps in the rug.


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## 360H (Sep 25, 2012)

I had to buy a Tibetan Rug for my wife.

It was like the Himalayas down there.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

cataclyst17 said:


> Well things have been better. I asked her why she did what she did. I am a very romantic guy, over the past several weeks I can admit that I have strayed from that. She openly said to me that she requires a lot of attention, she like to know that she is special. Not with gifts or anything like that but by reassuring her that I love her. Now even though this is good on the communication front, it doesn't mean that her actions were justified and she knows that. She is aware that trust will have to be gained and it is going to take a lot of work in order to get there. She says that this is something she doesn't want to throw away and will do whatever it takes to fix it.
> 
> I suggested that she go and speak to a therapist again, like she has done in the past. It had helped her and it seems like she needs help still.
> 
> ...



Sadly we know how this will play out. We'll talk to you again soon.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Hey Catalyst. Dude. We'll see you soon over in the Coping with Infidelity section. It's just a few links down.

And we promise not to say 'I told you so.'


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah her messages w/ him were inappropriate. So were you for not telling her about your ex.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I had to start crawling over the humps


So, I've heard guys derogatorily called 'humps' before; is THIS where it comes from? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Michelle C (Aug 15, 2012)

earlyforties said:


> I thought that rung a bell:smthumbup:
> CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT - DOWN TO EARTH.mp4 - YouTube


Yes very subtle by Nigel.

I looked it up on YouTube as well. I think I was about 7 when that came out. Cool song!:smthumbup:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> Told you guys he was out rug shopping...


He needs one that's extra shaggy to catch most of the crap in, and not much to rug sweep. What you don't see is not really there anyway!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

cataclyst17 said:


> She openly said to me that she requires a lot of attention, she like to know that she is special. Not with gifts or anything like that but by reassuring her that I love her. _Posted via Mobile Device_


This says alot right here. What is going to happen when a career gets in the way or when you don't have enough time to devote to her? Or, how about when or if you have children? Children require much attention. Will she look outside the marriage then?

My first advice still stands. I have a feeling that we will see you in the Coping with Infidelity section or this section again. Be careful and vigilant. She already proved that you can't trust her. Look at her actions after d-day and not her words.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

I haven't read all of the responses, and I'm sure this has been said before, but DON'T marry her. In fact, I would cancel the engagement. This is a major problem, and it will persist to your marriage. Do you want this happening again when you have children in the picture?

Stand firm when she's confronted. You were right to snoop. You're right to not trust her. You deserve someone who wants only you.


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