# My husband admitted that he "almost" cheated on me



## jyejk85 (Apr 12, 2016)

This is going to be kinda long so I apologize in advance.

Ok. So about three years ago, not long after my husband and I had our second child, I took the kids to visit my parents for the weekend. When I came back on Sunday, I found my husband in bed with a hangover. He had gone out to a bar Saturday night. I wasn't mad about that. He rarely drinks, and this was the first time (that I know of)that he had been to a bar in years.

Later that day, I was looking for a cigarette lighter in the door of his truck and I found a condom instead. I confronted him about it, and he said that it had been in there for a while. That he put it in there for me and him one time when we went out of town. I told him that didn't make any sense, because we take the kids when we go out of town and there isn't enough room for all of us in his truck. Why didn't he put it in my car if that was the case?

We had an argument, and he couldn't give me a good answer about anything, but I let it go, thinking I would talk to him again when we both cooled down. Well, that night while he was in the shower, I went through his phone and found a picture of a girl at the bar. I think he took it without her knowing, because she was standing at the bar facing away from the camera. It was just a full body shot from behind. He had sent it to one of his friends when the friend asked if there were any hot girls up there. This friend was single btw. 

Anyway, we had another blow up fight and I got in the car and started to leave but he called me and begged me to come back. We talked and he swore that nothing happened, that he only took the pic to send to his friend, blah, blah, blah. I still knew something was up, but I let if go, thinking if he was doing something I would find out eventually for sure, and when I had solid proof, I would leave. Never found any proof or even anything suspicious after that day. 

So, three years later, we are sitting on the couch watching a movie about a man having an affair, and out of the blue, he confesses and tells me that he had put the condom in the truck with the intention of picking up a girl at the bar that night. He said he didn't do anything, he never even talked to a girl once he got there. He said he just couldn't go through with it, because the guilt would eat him alive. He said the reason he was coming clean about the condom being there in the first place was because he felt guilty for even thinking about it, and he knew that I hadn't forgotten and it was always in the back of my mind. He said he knew his story didn't add up, and he knew that I knew and he just wanted to get it off his chest. He said he loves me and loves our family and he would never do anything to mess up what we have or to hurt me

. Well a couple of days ago he had to go out of town for work, and I asked him where he and the other guys ate dinner that night. He said the name of some steakhouse, but I know he was lying because someone I know saw him at Hooters that night. I asked again if he was sure he ate at the steakhouse. I even said Are you sure you didn't go to Hooters? And he still denied bein there. It wasn't until I told him that he had been seen there that he fessed up. 

I was so angry. Not that he went to Hooters. I don't care about that. But the fact that he lied to me AGAIN. He said he was sorry, and he just didn't think he should tell me he was at Hooters, after he had just hurt me by telling me that he almost cheated. He thought I would be upset or worried, and it wasn't his choice to go there. And I know he is telling the truth about that, because he doesn't like their food. 

I'm just so upset right now. I don't know what I should do. I mean if he lied about the condom, how do I know he didn't just tell me he "almost" cheated to gauge my reaction if he actually did cheat. And then when I have that thought, I feel like Im being crazy and paranoid. Like I shoukd just be thankful that he finally came clean. I'm so confused right now. My mind is a mess. Thoughts?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

What do you want to do? One thing you might do is to make it perfectly clear to your husband that any more lies will finish the marriage. He has to tell you the truth even if it might make you want to divorce him.

And then be prepared to do exactly that.

If you think that there is no hope, just file for divorce. Amazing behavioral changes have been known to take place when divorce papers have been filed.

PS: it helps if you use paragraphs when writing. Your post is almost unreadable.


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## jyejk85 (Apr 12, 2016)

I went back and added them. I'm on a crappy old tablet and I was just trying to get everything down. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave but I don't want to live in a marriage without trust either and right now, I question everything he says. And I can't help but wonder if something actually did happen that night.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Here is an article I wrote on broken trust. It might help you, as there are specific things to look for in deciding whether or not you can trust someone who has broken your trust already.
Can You Ever Trust Him Again? | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Well only you can decide what to do.
You can rebuild the trust. It will take time.
I think sidney2718 is right... The lying needs to stop.
Sit down and have a frank conversation with him and see what he says and if the behavior changes.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Polygraph.


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## jyejk85 (Apr 12, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Polygraph.


I'm tempted...


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He's lied to you, not just once but twice now that you've known something wasn't right and he decided to lie anyway. He went to a bar with the intention of cheating on you, even brought a condom. You happen to find a photo of a woman he thought was good looking on his phone? I think that no man who is going out to get some strange while his wife is away only brings one condom. He brings a few because you just never know. I think he slept with someone, and you found the one condom he forgot about. He can't feel too guilty because he lied again. Cheaters lie, you've caught him in two lies...who knows how many more you've missed.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Too many lies to be a one-off.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jyejk85 said:


> I'm tempted...


This is going to eat at you for a long time. Tell your husband that due to his repeated lies you no longer trust him. Tell him without trust there is no future for the marriage.

Inform him that there will be a polygraph test and if he has anything else to add, to do so now.

Tell him that if he passes the polygraph you will again trust him and you will not bring up any of these events again. But tell him if he fails the polygraph the marriage is over.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

My friend was busted because his wife found the condom. He was guilty. Mostly likely your husband is too. Your H brought it up later because he had guilt over it. But he is not telling the whole truth. He hid the fact that he was at Hooter's because he knew that would upset you and you would bring up the condom again. And he did not want to go there because more info might get out.


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## jyejk85 (Apr 12, 2016)

How do you go about getting a polygraph?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I hate to say it, but this sort of secretive behavior is not a good sign. If it were me, I'd tell him you want marriage counseling or you're through. If he says no, file for divorce. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it is a good first step to show him how serious you are about his behavior needing to change.

Has he always been flexible with the truth? I'm not just talking about with you. Have you witnessed him lying to others about little things? People lie for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's to avoid unpleasant consequences (like here), some seem to do it because they can't help themselves, and some do it to make themselves appear better somehow in the eyes of others. It's something to think about - how can you trust him now that you know he was going to betray you? And if he didn't come clean when you confronted him, how can you ever trust him again? Even if he does everything right from now on, part of you will never trust him fully again. If you're serious about saving the marriage, however, you have to draw the line somewhere. Maybe you can work with a marriage counselor to rebuild the trust he lost when he broke yours. Since you have a lot at stake, as you have kids, it's maybe even more important to be firm about what you will and you won't put up with. Be honest about how his actions have made you feel.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> Has he always been flexible with the truth?


I like that. He is not a lying cheater. He is a flexible with the truth cheater. 

:wtf:


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You Look up Polygraphs locally. I found a ex-detective that conducted Polygraphs for the investigations in a large semi local city. 

Paid for three questions, and it required 500$ 

I had a over the phone interview and was instructed on how to phrase my questions just right to get the most direct and accurate results. 

Honestly it has BEEN WORTH IT not questioning anymore.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> What do you want to do? One thing you might do is to make it perfectly clear to your husband that any more lies will finish the marriage. He has to tell you the truth even if it might make you want to divorce him.
> 
> And then be prepared to do exactly that.
> 
> If you think that there is no hope, just file for divorce. Amazing behavioral changes have been known to take place when divorce papers have been filed.


My first reaction, because he confessed by himself, 3 years later, without you asking, was that he was telling the truth. It was eating at him, because he loves you. 
Also, he would have known you would ask him a million questions so he'd want to be very confident he would be able to lie his way through it if he wasn't telling you the whole truth. 
- BUT, what made him go to such lengths - a married man & father, sneaking off for a ONS, devious, premeditated & nasty. You need to ask him why he did that & why he did not tell you he was unhappy with the marriage etc. 

I also thought the condom not having been used was a good sign. 
- BUT, as someone pointed out he might have brought a few along. Guys, would you bring more than one along? 

The Hooter's lie I could initially understand in not wanting to bring it up again & upset you & he said it wasn't his choice to go there. 
- BUT, his judgement on this was terrible & he's again lying to his you. 

Now, I'm not so sure because it's clear that he lies easily if he thinks the truth might make things awkward for him. 

So. . . a polygraph is a MUST & you may get a carpark confession.

@sidney2718 is right. Getting divorce papers drawn up, for real, is also a MUST. You can show them to him, put them in the kitchen drawer and tell him they'll stay there & if he EVER tells you another lie, you will kick his sorry a$$ out and file the same day. 

Does he go away a lot on business or is he out nights with work or buddies?

You should also do some snooping, VAR his truck, try to see his txts, emails, FB, phone bills. Do a search for 'standard evidence' on here. 

Sorry, you're here.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

jyejk85 said:


> I was so angry.
> 
> that he lied to me AGAIN.
> 
> ...


I just don't buy this BS from him. Really? From a guy's perspective, think about it.

_"Guys, can we not go to Hooters because I really don't like their food."_

Food is not the main fare at Hooters, just so you know. It's all about the eye candy. If he didn't want to go there, he could have opted out. He didn't, he told you a whopper of lie, you bought it, and all is good in his mind.

If he's not cheated on you, it's inevitable that he will. He's putting himself out there for an opportunity to do so if he hasn't already. I'd be willing to place money on it that he already has.

All he did with his "admission" was to gauge your reaction. The soft-toss admission of guilt means that he's admitted it (in his mind) and can go on doing it without further remorse. You "accepted" it and now he doesn't feel guilty about it anymore.

You need to go "postal" on him as a wake-up call to him that this behavior isn't acceptable and nothing less than full disclosure of the truth and cessation of such shenanigans will be tolerated. Be willing to back up your threats with actions that will be measurable. If he even blinks or makes further excuses, walk out and don't look back until he can be trustworthy.

You deserve respect and he is not giving it to you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Before you get too far along, I have a different take on this.

I used to frequent strip clubs often when out of town. The company I worked for called it "going to church" it was so common. I felt like I raised sone of those girls - they came in so innocent. I always called my W and told her we were off to the strip club - and called her when I returned. It never dawned on me to withhold guys, and it never dawned on me that it was wrong or that anything bad would ever happen. And frankly my wife, who is very sweet and conservative was never threatened or bothered by this. Years later I'm kind of surprised at how comfortable we were with this, but the point is our marriage was never at risk and we both knew it.

On the other hand, most of the guys lied to their GF or W about it. I could never understand that. But they said they'd get yelled at so they just lied. Mind you nothing ever happened and none of those guys ever cheated - but they felt they couldn't come clean so they lied.

Not justifying - just providing perspective. I could never cheat on my W - if for some crazy reason a bad influence friend got me thinking about it (wouldn't happen) and I was foolish enough to bring a condom, I'd probably be inept enough to leave it behind too.

So maybe he cheated. But then again, maybe not.

If you do the poly - allow him to confess the trivial stuff that he is embarrassed to tell you. If he's a good guy, then even just going to a strip club could be something he would hide.

Good luck


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Here is an article I wrote on broken trust. It might help you, as there are specific things to look for in deciding whether or not you can trust someone who has broken your trust already.
> Can You Ever Trust Him Again? | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World



Great article!
:smthumbup:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would be very uneasy about all of this. His 'coming clean' about the condom is not all of it I'm afraid.
There is a bit of 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' about this and he seems to be making a habit of lying. You have to have a face to face honest conversation. Tell him, he has broken trust with the lying so you cannot take his word at face value for now and what is he going to do about it. See his reaction, it will tell you alot. 
Be clear that the next time it happens, you will be contacting a lawyer and follow through. Put the fear of God into him, he needs it!
Do not rug sweep this, it will not go away or get better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Before you get too far along, I have a different take on this.
> 
> I used to frequent strip clubs often when out of town. The company I worked for called it "going to church" it was so common. I felt like I raised sone of those girls - they came in so innocent. I always called my W and told her we were off to the strip club - and called her when I returned. It never dawned on me to withhold guys, and it never dawned on me that it was wrong or that anything bad would ever happen. And frankly my wife, who is very sweet and conservative was never threatened or bothered by this. Years later I'm kind of surprised at how comfortable we were with this, but the point is our marriage was never at risk and we both knew it.
> 
> ...


This is a really good example of why telling the truth and being honest about tougher subjects sits really well with most spouses. You weren't hiding behind the truth and you were checking in with your wife. Add to that her understanding nature, which was probably encouraged by your honesty. If you were totally honest in all other aspects of your lives (which seemed like the case from your post) then you have all the right kinds of elements to build and maintain trust in each other. 

It's when the lying happens, that women (I can only speak to that perspective) just KNOW something is off. They KNOW you're hiding something the more you weave a good tale and they get all the more investigative and distrustful. They want an honest partner. I'd assume men would want the same. 

If you're doing something you know to be "bad" or something that might not receive approval from your spouse, then just come clean about it already. Bring it out in the open for discussion, so communication has a chance to happen. So boundaries can be better established. So you can figure out what to do. It's the respectful thing to do.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

jyejk85 said:


> This is going to be kinda long so I apologize in advance. Thoughts?


He is walking that fine line. And waiting three years to admit it to you?!?! That sure doesn't smell like a dung heap at high noon... Tell him to be straight with you, regardless of the consequences, or boot him out. For some reason he has a desire to cheat, I would suggest that you two try marriage counseling. Get to the root of the wanderlust. If he refuses, again, boot him out. You do not need to have your kids exposed to this conduct-it is wrecking your marriage and it isn't doing them any good either.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Not trying to blame shift here, but you should also be really honest with yourself about how you react to things you don't like. Do you make it difficult for him to tell you bad news? Do you punish him; withhold sex; harshly judge him; admonish him (remember being held in high regard by our wives is a very strong NEED for most men); etc.

Work through this yourself before you confront this issue. Again I am not blaming - but being honest about marital communication. My W would NEVER personally judge me harshly - so I have no problem being open. If she doesn't like something she objects, to be sure, but she doesn't make it about me or my judgement. It's about the issue and her feelings about it. In other words, she accepts I might think differently than her (as I do of her thoughts) but our different views sometimes encroach on each other's boundaries so w need to listen and adjust. (Yeah fvcking someone else in a ONS definitely crosses EVERYONE'S boundary I suspect!)

Again - H was clearly wrong and I'm not blaming you at all. But do a self examination so you know you are doing your best to create a good marital dialog - then definitely HOLD him accountable for the exact same thing.

I think this is definitely salvageable - it might actually be the lens you guys need to acknowledge issues in your marriage that have been festering. There is a reason he toyed with the ONS attempt (or had one) but also a reason he feels guilty. Could just be selfishness... could be something else. I think you can get to the bottom of this.

Good luck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He COULD just be coming clean with what he thinks she's about to find out on her own somehow.

Get the polygraph. He should have no hesitation if he's being completely honest. He might not like it, but that's fine - it's his own stupidity that got him here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen.

Most likely he cheated. A married dude packs a rubber to the bar because he intends on using it. Probably with someone specific.

Now, maybe that someone specific said no.

But the rubber stayed in his truck. Because he still intended on using it.

And even if he didn't use that one rubber, how many others did he use? 

And even if he didn't, how many lies are you going to listen to?

Go read up on trickle truth. He told you exactly enough that you would believe and maybe not leave. Just that much.

And when you bought it, he jumped into another lie.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> I think that no man who is going out to get some strange while his wife is away only brings one condom. He brings a few because you just never know.





********** said:


> .
> Guys, would you bring more than one along?


I shamefully have done this once - condoms in the car. I brought three. Did not use them. I darn made sure they were removed out of the car the same night. The fact that he left one there is concerning. Like, how could he forget that? Maybe @marduk is right. 



marduk said:


> *A married dude packs a rubber to the bar because he intends on using it.* *Probably with someone specific.*
> 
> Now, maybe that someone specific said no.
> 
> But the rubber stayed in his truck. Because he still intended on using it.


This is so true. 



aine said:


> Put the fear of God into him, he needs it!
> Do not rug sweep this, it will not go away or get better.


The poly is the only way out of this. Your husband certainly does not want a poly, but he NEEDS a poly as much as you do OP. 

Prior to the poly, I should tell him to come clean on everything. I suggest this: 

The "come clean" discussion will be painful and disorganized. Emotions and defensiveness will happen. I suggest that you ask H to write EVERYTHING down on paper. What, who, why, what he was thinking etc. and give that to you. With that, you have TWO options. To read the "come clean" or to hear him tell it, or both. (You can read the letter before or after the verbal talk.) 

Writing it down, H will be able to better define this thoughts, emotions and have a more complete disclosure. And he will be less likely to really forget to mention something.

Good luck.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@blueinbr are you planning on doing the same? Writing it all down? You said your wife confirmed she was aware of your EA and lived in fear you were leaving her. Can you stomach your own medicine?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Writing it down, H will be able to better define this thoughts, emotions and have a more complete disclosure. And he will be less likely to really forget to mention something.


I agree this is a good idea, but it can take a lot of time to sit down and write it all out. This isn't something that is done in the car waiting for an appointment.



TheTruthHurts said:


> @blueinbr are you planning on doing the same? Writing it all down? You said your wife confirmed she was aware of your EA and lived in fear you were leaving her. Can you stomach your own medicine?


It is a good idea to ask this of the one you don't trust, but to give it someone who is in a low emotional and physical state when she has not asked for it is a completely different thing.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> blueinbr said:
> 
> 
> > Writing it down, H will be able to better define this thoughts, emotions and have a more complete disclosure. And he will be less likely to really forget to mention something.
> ...


That shouldn't prevent him from doing his part, writing it all down, and being prepared to discuss it if she needs to. That's what I meant.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

And to be clear, blue's journal would still be ongoing since he is still in the EA and working through it. That may or may not be OP's situation.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> That shouldn't prevent him from doing his part, writing it all down, and being prepared to discuss it if she needs to. That's what I meant.


Yes, I have it all written down. Very helpful for me to figure out what was in my head. And ready to discuss with W. 

That is why I suggested OP have H do the same. If I was to reveal all this verbally I would do a very poor job and that would not help the W. 

I have a written timeline of what I did and what I was feeling and thinking.


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