# OK for him to initiate (a few times a year), but when I do he rejects?



## coffeegirl24 (May 19, 2012)

I'm beginning to think my fiance just isn't attracted to me any more, speaking strictly in the sexual sense. Everything else is wonderful, but we almost never have sex any more.

Every time I try to initiate intimacy, he says I want it way to often, and that a man needs time to recharge. After a month with no action, he tried to initiate last night bc he thought he might like to have sex. I told him gently that I had been waiting for weeks and that once a month or every six weeks just doesn't cut it. I smiled, gave him a little back rub and went to sleep instead.

He brought it up this morning (and began showing he might like it this morning since he didn't get it last night), and when I tried to discuss the fact that our relationship is almost sexless (in a no-stress,non-confrontational way), he said "Oh please!! I don't even want to talk about this!!! I'm going to go take my shower."

I can't help but wonder... is this "guy speak" for "I'm not attracted to you except when it's been weeks and my body finally needs it"? I've never told him no before, but I'm just not interested in hanging around to satisfy him five or six times a year.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

What type of battery is he using? If it takes him a month to recharge, he needs to look into purchasing a whole new battery.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

coffeegirl24 said:


> I'm beginning to think my fiance just isn't attracted to me any more, speaking strictly in the sexual sense. Everything else is wonderful, but we almost never have sex any more.
> 
> Every time I try to initiate intimacy, he says I want it way to often, and that a man needs time to recharge. After a month with no action, he tried to initiate last night bc he thought he might like to have sex. I told him gently that I had been waiting for weeks and that once a month or every six weeks just doesn't cut it. I smiled, gave him a little back rub and went to sleep instead.
> 
> ...


I guess I don't know what you were trying to accomplish. You want sex and instead you kind of passively/aggressively turned him down.
Why can't you guys have an honest conversation about this (yes I mean him)? If this is what it is now and he has no interest in discussing it like adults, then I'd move on, because it won't gewt better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffeegirl24 (May 19, 2012)

So it's not me being a "hornball" as he likes to put it?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What does it matter WHY he doesn't want sex? The point is he doesn't.

Now you get to decide whether that's okay with you or not and go from there.


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## coffeegirl24 (May 19, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> I guess I don't know what you were trying to accomplish. You want sex and instead you kind of passively/aggressively turned him down.
> Why can't you guys have an honest conversation about this (yes I mean him)? If this is what it is now and he has no interest in discussing it like adults, then I'd move on, because it won't gewt better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the insight. 
I have tried many times to discuss it with no stress, explaining that I love him very much and that it's important to me to have that kind of intimacy with the man I love. He always dismisses it in the same way, like it's annoying that I need sex. Last night was the first time I have ever said no in our three-year relationship. I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive, and I was not snide at all when I said no. Not sure what else to say to him to make him care about my feelings on the subject. We might just be better off as best friends.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

It could mean that he has ED and/or low T-count. Is he addicted to porn? Is there any chance he's cheating on you?

Not sure of your ages, and I may be on the high side, but I'm nearly 40 and I still have a drive that is ready, willing and eager to go 2-3x/day every day. Many couples seem to settle on 1-2x/week or 3-5x/week (we ping pong between that rate as a couple these days week to week).

I would strongly recommend postponing your wedding to get to the bottom of this. If you are high drive and he's low drive you are setting yourself up for a LOT of heartache. Take it from someone who knows, and sees that play out on this forum frequently.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

coffeegirl24 said:


> So it's not me being a "hornball" as he likes to put it?


How old are you two? I'm a male, 44 years old, and I'm perfectly happy with once a day. It DOES take some time to go for a round two, but we're talking hours, not days. And I know I'm slow compared to many.

No, it doesn't sound like you're a "hornball". You sound like someone that many guys would give their eye teeth to be in an intimate relationship with.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Lack of sex is usually a sympton of something else going on.

Could be several things.

He might not like being pursued. (not his style)
He might have some resentments going on
He might have some medical or emotional issues, stress, etc
Past or present affairs
Fear of pregnancy

You being a" hornball" is how he sees it... when he does not want to have sex with you or your 'approach' turns him off instead of turning him on. 

It's really really hard not to take all that personally, so try to keep your chin up and look into the reasons why.


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## coffeegirl24 (May 19, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> What does it matter WHY he doesn't want sex? The point is he doesn't.
> 
> Now you get to decide whether that's okay with you or not and go from there.



Good point. No sense trying to figure out something I can't change. Just need to think on whether or not I want 30 years of the same issue.


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## coffeegirl24 (May 19, 2012)

PBear said:


> How old are you two? I'm a male, 44 years old, and I'm perfectly happy with once a day. It DOES take some time to go for a round two, but we're talking hours, not days. And I know I'm slow compared to many.
> 
> I'm 36 and he's 53. We were best friends b4 dating, and still are, but sex is VERY infrequent lately. I could easily be happy with once a day or more. I love him and want to be with him.
> 
> Very frustrating.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

To be a woman "hornball" should be a compliment. It's rare.

If he was to ever divorce you and tell his boys, "Man, she always wanted sex, she was so horny. I hated it!"

His boys will look at him like he is gay. There is NOTHING wrong with being a "hornball" or even "horny" when you are married and trying to get it on with your SPOUSE. THAT IS ACCEPTABLE. We are not kids in middle school anymore and it isn't bad to feel horny.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

coffeegirl24 said:


> PBear said:
> 
> 
> > How old are you two? I'm a male, 44 years old, and I'm perfectly happy with once a day. It DOES take some time to go for a round two, but we're talking hours, not days. And I know I'm slow compared to many.
> ...


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

First thing I would rule out is low testosterone. My H was similar in a lot of ways to your fiance. We went years without sex. I pushed the issue and he got checked and bingo! He just started shots, so we will see how it goes.
don't marry him until you resolve this. I can already hear your resentment. Marriage won't make it better, just worse.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't take on fix it projects of this nature prior to marriage.

He is abnormal, you are normal.

It's very hard to find a man who does not want to have sex with you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Coffee,

I'm 50 and my goal is 2-3x a week. Heck, I've told my wife that if I've been shot but have managed to slow the bleeding, I'm ready to go!

Unfortunately, it's not a shared goal yet 

Definitely sounds like another case of mismatched drives. I wouldn't get married if this is where you're at because I will tell you from experience that it won't get better on it's own


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

coffeegirl, there is nothing wrong with you.

Quite frankly, there is something wrong with him.

I would run. I would run far and I would run fast.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Coffeegirl there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are likely just a woman in the prime of her life (and will continue to be for years to come).

I'm not a fan of divorce, but I'm also not a fan of people marrying with large disparities in age. It creates so many problems.

You are 36 and he is 53. I'm sure you've done the math, but consider that in 17 years he will be a 70 year old man... perhaps requiring a retirement home and constant nursing. You will be 53 and likely full of life. You may very well have to visit your husband on weekends (since you won't be admitted into many retirement homes under 55 years of age), perhaps while you work to help support him (depending on his savings).

You may very well be in love, of that I have no reason to doubt. Still there are some practical matters to consider here and one of which is that his sex drive may be permanently on the decline. Another is that his overall health could very well suffer greatly during some of your prime years.

I don't know your man, perhaps he will be one of those men who is incredibly strong and virile well into his late 70's and beyond... and again he may not.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

70 in a retirement home? I suppose if he had other illnesses, maybe. My grandparents have only just entered a retirement home aged 85 and 83. My other grandmother lived very independently in her own apartment, alone, until she was 88.

While I wouldn't marry someone so much older I think scaremongering about a 70 year old being unable to live unassisted is a bit of a stretch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Lyris said:


> 70 in a retirement home? I suppose if he had other illnesses, maybe. My grandparents have only just entered a retirement home aged 85 and 83. My other grandmother lived very independently in her own apartment, alone, until she was 88.
> 
> While I wouldn't marry someone so much older I think scaremongering about a 70 year old being unable to live unassisted is a bit of a stretch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It happens, according to PBS the average age people are admitted is 79, so 70 is not outside the range of reasonable.

The Online NewsHour: Basic Facts About Nursing Homes


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My IL's just went in nursing homes. FIL was 90 and MIL was 80.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My IL's just went in nursing homes. FIL was 90 and MIL was 80.


Mavash please don't think that I'm saying that once folks turn 70 it's time to ship them off to retirement homes. Heavens no.

We go to a church with a lot of older folks, most of which I expect to take care of themselves on their own well into their 80's. There's this couple at church who have to be in their late 70s and they are still very active people and in great shape (you can just tell they have that fire in their eyes... a real passion for life). The pastor's mother has to be in her 80's and lives alone with no problems... man does she have spunk!

So I get what you are saying, just pointing out that it's a possibility. Some people based on genes, attitude (do it yourself or dependent), and how well they take care of themselves need that level of care much younger than others.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Browncoat I knew what you meant. I think the age difference with the op will be an issue. Who are we kidding it already is.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

coffeegirl24 said:


> Good point. No sense trying to figure out something I can't change. Just need to think on whether or not I want 30 years of the same issue.


It won't be any different after marriage, it never is.


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