# My partner has feelings for someone else



## HuffleOutOfPuff (8 mo ago)

My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. I recently found out that he has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.

When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.

He tells me that he loves me and he has stopped the secret conversations and told her straight that he wouldn't end our relationship to be with her. He tells me he is happy with our relationship and wants the future we had started planning still. I don't know how to trust him again. We had said from the beginning that communication was key and honesty was better for all involved but he has kept this from me claiming he did so as he believed it would be taken the wrong way and would only hurt me or her.

I know he is conflicted about what he wants and appreciate that the feelings he has have lingered longer than our relationship has been established and he moved on on the basis that she was never going to be available. He also knows that she 100% does not want children and he 100% does. I can't help feeling like a consolation prize and second choice and that he actually wants to be with her even though he tells me that he wants to be with me. Any advice?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Tough when it’s a co-worker to go no-contact but that’s the only way out I’m afraid. His feelings aren’t going to disappear when he sees her on a regular basis.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Sorry but this is really sketchy to me. His words say one thing, but his actions and feelings say another.

A woman who he’s wanted even before he met you and has now found out that she’s single and feels the same way about him? To me, that’s a disaster waiting to happen.

I agree with Casual that this isn’t going to end well as long as he works with her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just be aware guys look at these things differently than women.

You are looking at this as like a girl and seeing it as a dilemma where he has to pick one of you over the other. 

Men often don’t replace one with another unless they absolutely have to. 

The basic hardwiring of men is to acquire harems and rather than choose one over another or replace one with another, he will try to have both or add more to the harem as he is able. 

As alluded to in the posts above, this is all about actions and behaviors rather than words and statements.

He may be saying he wants to live with you and have a family with you, and that may even be somewhat sincere. 

..... but that doesn’t mean that he’s not getting down with her in the side and maintaining two relationships.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some men can’t settle for just one woman at a time — they want it all. You were fortunate to get a warning of what your life might be like if you marry him. What you do with that is up to you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> We had said from the beginning that communication was key and honesty was better for all involved but he has kept this from me claiming he did so as he believed it would be taken the wrong way and would only hurt me or her.


THIS is the most concerning part.
What this means is that he was willing to deceive you and hide something very important to you because he didn't want to be questioned and to have to make a choice between you. He didn't want to have to give her up because he knew you wouldn't be ok with their relationship. He was never fully committed to you, because he didn't want to be.

I don't know how you can ever trust him again either, because if these are his values - deceiving in order to get what he wants - what would ever stop him from doing it again?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Move out, and for goodness sakes don't have any babies with this guy. Date him if you want, but tell him that he has to leave other women out of his life for a least a year before you will consider reestablishing your relationship with him.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Dump him. He will cheat on you in the long run if he feels this way now. Don’t stay if he’s into someone else. Don’t be 2nd best.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> We both want the same things, marriage, family etc.


You say ^^this.^^ The you go on to say:



HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> I can't help feeling like a consolation prize and second choice and that he actually wants to be with her even though he tells me that he wants to be with me. Any advice?


Doesn't sound like the two of you want the "same things" based on ^^this.^^ Talk about contradicting oneself. Me? I'd leave the relationship ASAP.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. I recently found out that he has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.
> 
> When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.
> 
> ...


You aren't even married and he is cheating. You were his second place and always will be. You deserve better, so time to move on.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Ugh, I am so sorry. Working together is a huge concern and you have the right to feel uncomfortable with the situation. Don't rugsweep this or I fear it will come back to bite you later. These workplace relationships are very dangerous. Imo, you need to nip this in the bud with him and he should look for a new job or at the very least switch departments if he can. If he won't do it -then you know your answer. Good luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Be thankful that you found all this out now before you marry or have children. Men are perfectly able to be faithful if they choose but your guy clearly isnt putting you first or forsaking all others. I think you will regret it massively if you stay.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You've been given the gift of *sight*, OP.

SOMEONE up there wanted you to know who this guy *really* is before you really jumped in 100% with marriage and kids and mortgages and family history and everything else that comes with it.

So what are you going to DO with this gift?

If you choose to stay with this guy, don't say you weren't warned.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and have to sort through all the deception. What was ever real, you know? He sounds like what is known as “cake eating,” trying to get all of his needs met by a few women at one time. Hoping you can find the strength to get out now.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> He tells me that he loves me and he has stopped the secret conversations and told her straight that he wouldn't end our relationship to be with her. He tells me he is happy with our relationship and wants the future we had started planning still. I don't know how to trust him again. We had said from the beginning that communication was key and honesty was better for all involved but *he has kept this from me claiming he did so as he believed it would be taken the wrong way and would only hurt me or her*.


Who cares if she gets hurt? She's his freakin' co-worker. Pfffft.

If I were you, only a year in, I would pack my bags and tell him "Your feelings for this woman is making me uncertain about our future, I will be moving out while I decide what I want to do" and then go. If his response is ANYTHING other than "I'll quit my job and get another, please don't go" NEVER go back. 

He MUST end ALL interaction and communication with this woman. That's a deal breaker.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. I recently found out that he has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.
> 
> When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.
> 
> ...


He’s not really your partner, not fully, if he has feelings for another woman (which he clearly does).

Even if he does cut her out of his personal life (which is fairly unlikely since they work together), it sounds like you may have been plan-B, since she wasn’t available at the time. Are you ok with that?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Openminded said:


> My exH carried on long-term relationships with other women while we were married — probably the entire time although I didn’t know it. He never wanted a divorce and fought it when I said I was finally done. Some men can’t settle for just one woman at a time — they want it all. You were fortunate to get a warning of what your life might be like if you marry him. What you do with that is up to you.


I tend to agree, as I was in a similar situation with my now ex-husband. While he loved me..he cheated on me constantly..and probably the entire time we were together over 20 some years. While he never wanted a divorce (and fought it), I was done. As you mentioned, he too couldn't settle for just one woman at a time; as is now married to someone that enjoys a "swinging" lifestyle with him.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> Any advice?


Be very cautious, More so then you have been. Dating barely more than a year & already living together is quite cavalier & moving too fast but here you are. 

Now you are finding out that he settled for you because he couldn't have her. He's emotionally supporting her in her time of need but telling you that he loves you. Honey, if he truly loved you & was committed to you, her status would not matter & he would not be the shoulder she's crying on. This is a problem because he's heading down a slippery slope straight into her bed.

He may be living with you but he spends the majority of every work day with her. 

This is not going to end well for you.


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. I recently found out that he has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.
> 
> When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.
> 
> ...


Run. There are lots of people in this world. Run.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@HuffleOutOfPuff,

Do you feel you are worthy and capable of being with someone that is not invested in having other relationships while enjoying the benefits of being with you? Do you deserve to feel happy, feel trust in your partner, feel loved in a way that is all yours?

Or, do you feel like there is something about you, or the way the world works, or the way people universally work, that means you’ll just have to accept settling for something like this, where your partner is at least inclined to have private intimate conversations with someone else he desires?

I’d be worried about the psychological makeup/traits and poor boundaries of someone who has self-deleting secret conversations with someone he apparently has mutual romantic feelings for. At a minimum, he is playing with fire, with full conscious intent or driven by his involuntary but powerful-enough feelings. Can you imagine ever doing the same?

I think there are people in this world that draw people in, to selfishly get their needs met. Yet, somehow generate feelings inside themselves of ambivalence towards their chosen partner, and take actions sometimes hurtful to keep just enough distance and lack of commitment for whatever reason, leaving their partner never feeling fully loved, embraced, and content. Might he be such a person?

Make sure you consider in your head what it would be like to be with someone who would always put you first, doesn’t choose to risk temptation by having poor boundaries, doesn’t have longings for someone else, especially someone he has ongoing conversations with.

I don’t know what he has really done, or whether he has feelings towards her that should be a desk breaker for you. But, I think you deserve someone who is all in with you, and not interested in others. Relationships, especially marriages with kids, are hard enough without having to worry about their foundation. I hope you can figure out where his head has been, and see clearly who he is. If it’s less than you deserve, I hope you’ll find courage to act and choose better for yourself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He's gone behind your back and lied to you. How can you trust him in the future? Give him the boot.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

HuffleOutOfPuff said:


> My partner and I have been together for just over a year and live together. We both want the same things, marriage, family etc. I recently found out that he has had feelings for a coworker for a long time, longer than we have known one another, but she has never been single in the time he has known her so he has not had the opportunity to act on them. She has recently separated from her partner of 6 years and has confessed that she too has feelings for him and has done for a while and expressed that she was gutted when we got together.
> 
> When coming to the decision to end her relationship he has been a great support to her as she was to him when his previous relationship ended and they have become increasingly close. I recently found out that they have been having secret conversations on messenger and while not all the messages were intimate, some were and to the point where she was telling him that she'd be mastubating and thinking of him. He tells me that he didn't encourage or initiate this and never responded in kind but similarly he did not shut this down. I had a feeling that there was something going on and I expressed this to him and he denied that there was anything happening. I only found out about the secret conversation as he was showing me something she had sent in their normal chat and when he backed out of it I saw the second conversation. As secret conversations delete themselves I have no way to know if he is telling the truth about what was said or if he was indeed the initiater.
> 
> ...


Maybe he should not be working with this woman-- if he does in fact want to stay with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

More Zombie threads reanimated? Stop.


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