# Instinctual Response



## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Guys,

What would your instinctual response be to your wife, with a history in real estate, that you co own multiple rental houses with... if she came up to you and said "We need to get House A finished and back on the rental market" and runs through the list of items needed to complete it, just in a sweet matter of fact way... no drama or snottiness, what would you say, do, feel, think... what would your natural response be if you are willing participant?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OK


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Cooper said:


> OK


Cool.

Would you take action to move it forward to the end goal?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'd be wondering how much it was going to cost, if it's worth the upgrades (or whatever), and what the market is like before jumping in and saying "okay".


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Since it was for desire to purchase a new house, my response would be "do you have one in mind?"


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Since it was for desire to purchase a new house, my response would be "do you have one in mind?"



This is a house we already own


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

bobert said:


> I'd be wondering how much it was going to cost, if it's worth the upgrades (or whatever), and what the market is like before jumping in and saying "okay".


Awesome, and if you deemed which upgrades were needed within budget to make the deal lucrative, then what would you do to make it happen?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am guessing this is not your first rodeo? or is it?


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> i am guessing this is not your first rodeo? or is it?


No, its not


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GeeLee said:


> Awesome, and if you deemed which upgrades were needed within budget to make the deal lucrative, then what would you do to make it happen?


That would depend on the work that needed to be done. 

If they were things my wife could take care of, I'd leave that up to her (calling people, ordering stuff, etc). 

If the work needed to be done by people I know that she doesn't (friends in every trade), then I'd procrastinate but eventually call them. I'd much rather pay someone else than do work myself. 

If it was small projects that she needed my help with, I would wait until she ASKED for my help, since I'm not a mind reader.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

bobert said:


> That would depend on the work that needed to be done.
> 
> If they were things my wife could take care of, I'd leave that up to her (calling people, ordering stuff, etc).
> 
> ...


K, noted..


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Any guys who prefer to jump in with both feet, and run the projects, whether its DIY or handling the contractors yourself?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m handy and likely would do all the work myself. If the job were too large I would look up a company to do it for me. My wife wouldn’t have any responsibility in the matter unless I was away at work and couldn’t handle some detail myself. I consider the above stuff within my skill set... therefore I would take care of it. Itlf I thought one of the items on the list was a bad idea we would talk about it.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m handy and likely would do all the work myself. If the job were too large I would look up a company to do it for me. My wife wouldn’t have any responsibility in the matter unless I was away at work and couldn’t handle some detail myself. I consider the above stuff within my skill set... therefore I would take care of it. Itlf I thought one of the items on the list was a bad idea we would talk about it.


Excellent.. thank you


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm curious, why make a thread about this? I'm _guessing_ your husband isn't reacting the way you wanted him to and you're trying to find some sort of validation in that.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Seeing if there is a "norm"


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

@Mr.Married and @bobert 

What are your ages or range of age?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GeeLee said:


> @Mr.Married and @bobert
> 
> What are your ages or range of age?


I'm in my mid-30's.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

GeeLee said:


> @Mr.Married and @bobert
> 
> What are your ages or range of age?


We are both 45


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Thank yall for sharing your ages ....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So... You don't like that your husband isn't hopping to it to renovate a property you announced needs to be right now? Is that the reason for the thread?


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Livvie said:


> So... You don't like that your husband isn't hopping to it to renovate a property you announced needs to be right now? Is that the reason for the thread?


Lol... wouldnt you like to know


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

GeeLee said:


> Lol... wouldnt you like to know


What...??


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GeeLee said:


> Lol... wouldnt you like to know


That attitude won't get you very far here.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

bobert said:


> That attitude won't get you very far here.


I just find her stance interesting


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GeeLee said:


> I just find her stance interesting


Interesting? 

You posted a strange, vague thread and now you are making strange, vague, possibly rude comments.

I'll never read or reply to you again, bye.

The block button is kinda fun to use.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Just don't appreciate assumptions about my character when you have no idea what I have weathered. I am happy with your block.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm a lady, in my late 50's, and if my spouse came to me and said that, with a background in real estate etc as you indicated, I'd say "Okay let's do it" and then something like "You driving this or am I?" 

If I was the wife, saying that to my husband, and I was the one with the real estate background etc., I wouldn't be saying that as a way to say "YOU have to do A, B, and C" but rather as a way of listing off the things I've noticed that are preventing it from going on the market. Then maybe we'd put them in order of priority and affordability and get a game plan in place. 

However, in our relationship, my Beloved Hubby is the lead, and I am his 2nd in command...so we naturally tend to follow that sort of style. He'll lead, give me assignments, I accomplish mine and he accomplishes his, and we move to the next assignments.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> I'm a lady, in my late 50's, and if my spouse came to me and said that, with a background in real estate etc as you indicated, I'd say "Okay let's do it" and then something like "You driving this or am I?"
> 
> If I was the wife, saying that to my husband, and I was the one with the real estate background etc., I wouldn't be saying that as a way to say "YOU have to do A, B, and C" but rather as a way of listing off the things I've noticed that are preventing it from going on the market. Then maybe we'd put them in order of priority and affordability and get a game plan in place.
> 
> However, in our relationship, my Beloved Hubby is the lead, and I am his 2nd in command...so we naturally tend to follow that sort of style. He'll lead, give me assignments, I accomplish mine and he accomplishes his, and we move to the next assignments.


Beautiful, thank you


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Hard to answer without more context. What’s the relationship? Is this a full-time business? Do you run the properties and he fixes them? Does he have another job? Are you the lead on this? Is he vested in this thing? 

I’m guessing by posting here he didn’t react as you had hoped. 

Guys often despise hearing someone tell them “WE need to do” when that very someone either can’t, won’t or doesn’t want to do what they’re asking for themselves. Sounds like... “here solve my problem for me.” Honestly, he might feel emasculated. Had you said “hey what do you think needs to be done to House A” he might be more interested in solving a problem. As posed, you gave him a “I’m not happy” problem he wasn’t looking to solve regardless of how “professional” it sounded.

Unlike @Affaircare , some wives feel the need to be the captains in their marriage.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

aaarghdub said:


> Hard to answer without more context. What’s the relationship? Is this a full-time business? Do you run the properties and he fixes them? Does he have another job? Are you the lead on this? Is he vested in this thing?
> 
> I’m guessing by posting here he didn’t react as you had hoped.
> 
> ...


Husband Wife

It is one of our full time incomes from several houses

We both work full time in addition

I take care of all the cars, RV that we have been living in at one of our properties, all rental houses, I am a mom, plus homeschool our son because my boss lets him be at work with me.

We had a plan, jointly agreed on with no rudeness, drama....


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

...........and now there is rudeness,drama?


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> ...........and now there is rudeness,drama?


No


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

GeeLee said:


> No


We are separated right now over a separate issue.


As I am thinking about what I want going forward, after HE brought them up yesterday, I am considering how the houses have been handled in the past and what I want to change, whether I stay with him or not, which is highly unlikely at this point. Also, trying to determine if it is it a maturity thing, is it older guys vs younger guys mindset, just solely skill sets etc, just several things I am mulling over. Its why I am interesting in hearing a number of answers about how men handle themselves, looking for patterns that seem healthy and right, when they are partnered with a competent woman. 

And before I am villainized... 

Here is what I have weathered...
At the height of 5'3" and my husband 6'3", knowing full well I have PTSD, I have been yelled and screamed at, belittled, gaslit heavily, cheated on, shoved so hard it bruised my arms, held down face down on the bed by my neck, 13 years of a lot of verbal, psychological and some physical abuse, meaning the PTSD I already had from being raised in abuse, has never gotten a break inside of this relationship despite things I deeply love about him and him being the father of my child. And yes... our current separation is because of escalated aggression that scared me worse than he has ever scared me before, I left with our child and dog.. have been gone for a month. 

What is my reputation by people who know me well.... very loving, intelligent, articulate, wise, strong, sacrificial, compassionate, empathetic, merciful, great mom, are the most common words given to me as compliments. I didn't come here to have assumptions made about me or be falsely accused, especially given I have weathered more of that than I can ever accurately describe by not only my mother, but my current husband.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I’m sorry for your pain. It sounds like life has not been kind to you so far. It’s not too late to change that around.

I very gently want to say that I haven’t seen anyone in this thread make assumptions or accuse you of anything. What I have seen is people trying to draw out more of your storyThis frequently happens with new members on this board. It’s very hard to help people if you don’t know the whole story. You’ve now given people a lot more information to be able to help you. Thank you. 

However, even with the added information you’ve provided, I’m still not clear what your objective is in asking your original question. Are you trying to determine if your husband’s answer to you was out of line or what you can expect from him once you ask him to fix up your property?

Please remember that with the written word it is difficult to read the nuance of what someone is trying to say. I’m sure with your background it’s real easy to read a negative tone and I certainly don’t blame you. But as a poster who has been here for a while I can tell you that most of the people here are here to genuinely help you and the questions they ask are designed to give them the info they need to be as helpful as possible.

I wish you good luck sorting out your problem.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, first off, I'm sorry that you've been through all of that. 

You did the right thing separating from your husband. Most likely he will only get worse over time, but I think you know (and have probably seen) that. Since I have somewhat been in that situation, unfortunately, my anger management therapist said it takes a full year from the last "incident" to be considered a safe partner. And that's assuming the unsafe partner has stayed in therapy, consistently worked on themselves, not had any more outbursts, etc. So don't go back into a relationship with him anytime soon. 

Second, you are going to want to separate your assets from his. If you divorce you really don't want to have shared assets or a shared business, _especially_ with a "business partner" like this. You need to separate from him as much as possible. You should really speak to a lawyer about that.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I’m sorry for your pain. It sounds like life has not been kind to you so far. It’s not too late to change that around.
> 
> I very gently want to say that I haven’t seen anyone in this thread make assumptions or accuse you of anything. What I have seen is people trying to draw out more of your storyThis frequently happens with new members on this board. It’s very hard to help people if you don’t know the whole story. You’ve now given people a lot more information to be able to help you. Thank you.
> 
> ...


It has been rough, beyond what I can fully describe. My Aunt who has seen it closest says I am the strongest person she has ever met and she is in her 70's, that my strength blows her away and she cannot believe the things I have had to endure... by now, I just have low tolerance for maltreatment as you can imagine after so many decades of it, given I am now in my 50's. 

Its hard to even talk about what I've been dealing with being with him because some of it quite frankly makes me feel unwise for even still being with him. I can share several stories of abuse and neglect through the years. But this isn't about looking to the past, but more so to building the future for myself and my son.

This isn't about him anymore... I am trying to help form a picture in my head about what I want going forward. The level of abuse I have gone through, and the type, makes it hard for me to do that without resources outside myself. I have to go outside myself, piece it together, internalize that new picture and THEN move forward inside that framework. That is a common dynamic of abuse survivors. Self doubt is my nemesis even still with how seasoned I am now... I still have gaps.

But when I see what resonates for me... I recognize it... it why I just want personal stories to help me piece that future picture together.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

bobert said:


> So, first off, I'm sorry that you've been through all of that.
> 
> You did the right thing separating from your husband. Most likely he will only get worse over time, but I think you know (and have probably seen) that. Since I have somewhat been in that situation, unfortunately, my anger management therapist said it takes a full year from the last "incident" to be considered a safe partner. And that's assuming the unsafe partner has stayed in therapy, consistently worked on themselves, not had any more outbursts, etc. So don't go back into a relationship with him anytime soon.
> 
> Second, you are going to want to separate your assets from his. If you divorce you really don't want to have shared assets or a shared business, _especially_ with a "business partner" like this. You need to separate from him as much as possible. You should really speak to a lawyer about that.


Great input, thank you

This post was very needed...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Also, keep in mind that a man will most likely respond differently to requests made by his wife, ex/separated wife, and business partner. If he is no longer your husband (except legally) then he shouldn't be expected to respond like one. Make sense? Plus, he's a jerk, so he you can't expect that to suddenly change. Since you left him, he may feel that he lost control and that's a whole other layer.

And PS, you're not an idiot.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

bobert said:


> Also, keep in mind that a man will most likely respond differently to requests made by his wife, ex/separated wife, and business partner. If he is no longer your husband (except legally) then he shouldn't be expected to respond like one. Make sense? Plus, he's a jerk, so he you can't expect that to suddenly change. Since you left him, he may feel that he lost control and that's a whole other layer.
> 
> And PS, you're not an idiot.


Thank you

Yea, I had not made any current requests involving the houses. 

I don't have expectations of him in our current state. 

My focus has been on achieving independence in a healthy way.

Someone had suggested asking him, given he had recently expressed that he wasn't giving up on us, to ask him what "not giving up" looked like, what kind of plan did he have in mind

That's how the houses were mentioned yesterday by him


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

but that's why I thanked you for your post about the year timeframe... you can see how relevant that is to where we are currently.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

GeeLee said:


> Cool.
> Would you take action to move it forward to the end goal?


It depends on what each of you do for a living, and how you have decided to handle things. 

So, if she wanted to supplement ya'lls income and you, assuming your are not the wife, and it was going to be her business and you just helped finance it, then I would expect her to do it. It is her business. You work full time. 

If you both agreed that the rental business would be your collective side Hussle then you both have a responsibility to work on it. 

So it could go both ways. 

We are redoing our house, fixing things, paint, floors things like that. No taking walls out.

Fiancé is retired, and she does a lot, but I still work full time an hour both ways. 

So she has to be patient with me because sometimes I am tired, and just don't feel like working another 4 hours at the end of the day. 

As, it is I work almost every weekend unless I have a gig, or we have a party to go to. 

Don't know if any of that helps.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> It depends on what each of you do for a living, and how you have decided to handle things.
> 
> So, if she wanted to supplement ya'lls income and you, assuming your are not the wife, and it was going to be her business and you just helped finance it, then I would expect her to do it. It is her business. You work full time.
> 
> ...


It does... 

Ours is the collectively agreed side hustle, also both work full time

In addition to managing all our rentals, I manage all the cars, RV, mom to our son, and homeschool him as well..


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your first post stated "if you are a willing participent". Honestly I didn't understand why you were asking the question, but now I see you are separated so I will answer differently.

I would do nothing to enrich the other party if the relationship was possibly heading toward a divorce, even if the end result meant fewer dollars ending up in my pocket. I wouldn't refuse just to be vindictive but would refuse because in my opinion seperation/divorce draws a line in the sand and I wouldn't be willing to waste any of my energy toward a goal that was no longer part of OUR future.


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## GeeLee (Jul 8, 2020)

Cooper said:


> Your first post stated "if you are a willing participent". Honestly I didn't understand why you were asking the question, but now I see you are separated so I will answer differently.
> 
> I would do nothing to enrich the other party if the relationship was possibly heading toward a divorce, even if the end result meant fewer dollars ending up in my pocket. I wouldn't refuse just to be vindictive but would refuse because in my opinion seperation/divorce draws a line in the sand and I wouldn't be willing to waste any of my energy toward a goal that was no longer part of OUR future.



Let me clarify the time line....

I have not requested any effort from him after I left. So, that dynamic is a non issue.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Well, take a non emotional point from me. You have properties A,B,C that will be divided evenly upon your separation and eventual divorce. So...realistically we are looking at 1.5 properties that each of you “have”. Most likely after legal costs and getting rid of debt. Most likely will have to liquidate some,and just you do you....
He needs to just do himself (no pun) and move on. 
Sorry for your sad chapter in life. Hopefully you can both find peace and happiness. 


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