# Having a bad day :-((



## itskaren

It's been 4 months since I discovered my husband's affair. It has ended and we are trying to work things out. Things have been ok however, I am having a bad day today. 

He still works with the other woman. He just doesn'' t see a problem with this. He said it is óver and that's that. Basically I should stop worrying. He did not give me a valentine's card this year which is the first time in 17 years. Does this mean anything? I gave him one but he just put it in the top drawer.

Why one some days I am positive and hopeful then the very next day I want to leave? This happens all the time to me and I just can't seem to organise my thoughts. WE have had some couple counseling approx 6 sessions but it didn't seem to help. My husband's attituite is ''we should just look forward.. not back ..''

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.


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## kandlestick

Hubby sounds a little insensitive to the situation. Not sure why he didn't get you a valentine but him not responding to the one you gave him could just be a guilt reaction from past misconduct. I know this must be hard but I say chin up and try and keep a positive outlook. 

Keep up the counseling. I don't think you are overreacting what so ever about him working with the former. good luck


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## YupItsMe

When you look at everyhting with a microscope sometimes it aint pretty and thats what is done in your situation. 

Your husands comment is clueless. Of course he doesnt want to talk about it because he ****ed up


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## hibiscus

Gosh. The fact that he still works with her would be very difficult for me too. So he didnt give you a card..have you told him how this makes you feel? That would upset me too. I think you need to speak to him about this.

You are going to still be emotional as its still very early for you ( I still have bad days after 7 months). Accept that its going to take years. In the mmeantime your partner needs to show that he undertands how you feel. 

Set your boundaries of what you expect from him! If you feel crap then talk about it with him.
I am doing counselling sessions with my partner and he also made the same remark...the past is the past so what is there to talk about. Well that comment really peeved me off. 

I told him that its going to take me a long time to trust him again and he needs to do whatever he can to help me rebuild the trust. He created all this chaos so he needs to help fix it

The counsellingsessions really help me because I still need to talk about my insecurities. The past needs to be addressed to be able to move forward. He needs to understand that

Is he doing enough to reassure you that he made a mistake and will never hurt you again?


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## Isuck

Seems like he feels he's the one in control. Seems like he feels you'd never split up from him, so he has not reason to treat you right. He feels you have no other option then to stick with him. I know as I was that guy at one point. A bit different situation as I was cheated on, but I felt she would never leave me prior and treated her badly because I was an idiot.

So as a former idiot husband, I can tell you what you can do. Kick him out. Be strong and tell him you need some space to figure out what you want. Then go no contact with him after. 

I know it's an old saying, but it's true. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't it never was. You've got to give him a reality check as he's not living there now. My gut says he's still banging her. IF he is not serious about you and your feelings, time to shake him up a bit. Let him know you're worth way more and should be treated properly.

Tell him to get out for a while. Tell him you will decided when and if he can come back BUT you won't be a doormat and the OW will have to work somewhere else or he will. That is not fair to you to have to worry about him and her at work all day long. If he cheated once, he'll do it again. Especially if he's already treating you like a doormat and like plan "b".


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## hibiscus

Isuck said:


> Seems like he feels he's the one in control. Seems like he feels you'd never split up from him, so he has not reason to treat you right. He feels you have no other option then to stick with him. I know as I was that guy at one point. A bit different situation as I was cheated on, but I felt she would never leave me prior and treated her badly because I was an idiot.
> 
> So as a former idiot husband, I can tell you what you can do. Kick him out. Be strong and tell him you need some space to figure out what you want. Then go no contact with him after.
> 
> I know it's an old saying, but it's true. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't it never was. You've got to give him a reality check as he's not living there now. My gut says he's still banging her. IF he is not serious about you and your feelings, time to shake him up a bit. Let him know you're worth way more and should be treated properly.
> 
> Tell him to get out for a while. Tell him you will decided when and if he can come back BUT you won't be a doormat and the OW will have to work somewhere else or he will. That is not fair to you to have to worry about him and her at work all day long. If he cheated once, he'll do it again. Especially if he's already treating you like a doormat and like plan "b".


I dont believe that saying "if he cheated once, he will cheat again".
I use to cheat but have no desire to cheat in the future.


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## staystrong

He (or she) needs to find another job. Period.


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## PBear

I don't know... It seems to me that if a spouse was truly remorseful, they'd be bending over backwards to make things right. It sounds more like he's trying to just sweep things under the rug and forget it happened, and you're letting him. What was the result of the counselling? Why did it stop?

C


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## Cris7

Ugh I am in a very similar situation. My husband had an EA with a co-worker for a month before I found out and it stopped. He still works closely with her (she is his assistant) and insists there aren't any romantic feelings for her, they are just good friends. He is putting forth a real effort and things were going really well for the past coup,e of months, then last night he gets quiet and seems down. Says its work related and he just feels blah. Right away I think it's because he's doubting being with me. I hate the roller coaster and know that there will be ups and downs. Hang in there OP. I hope it gets better for both of us.


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## This is me

I think the hardest thing is to set boundaries and keep them. Say, it is unacceptable for us to work at our relationship with the other person spending days with you at the office. This has to change or it will always be a sticking point.

I know mine was in complete denial of the damage of the EA, but when she saw that I could move on without her, the reality hit her in the face.

Not all Counselors are good. We went to one for about 6 sessions and then moved on to a much better one. Keep looking if you BOTH want to make it work.

The number of years of the marriage sounds like the MLC stage. If so the fog will lift. Patience required.


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## naga75

hibiscus said:


> I dont believe that saying "if he cheated once, he will cheat again".
> I use to cheat but have no desire to cheat in the future.


i dont believe that saying either.
i know i wont ever again. it caused me nothing but difficulty and i finally, FINALLY found out how i made my wife feel, when she did it to me. which was something i just never understood.
never. EVER again.

my wife and OM still go to the same gym, albeit at different times.
i dont worry about it, because i know in no uncertain terms that any type of contact (besides seeing OM and OMW...we live in a small town thats impossible to avoid at some point), any "hows it going" or contact at any level let alone inapproprate behavior on her part and im GONE. kids or not. sorry or not. mistake or not. so i dont worry about it. getting to that point was difficult, but the indifference to it makes a world of difference.


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## Isuck

Well there's always exceptions but I believe it applies in this case. 

Some people are good people and learn from their mistakes. No doubt about that. But I think in this case there's no remorse and no ownership of the issues at all so he could do it again pretty easily and somehow justify it in his head.


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## hibiscus

Isuck said:


> Well there's always exceptions but I believe it applies in this case.
> 
> Some people are good people and learn from their mistakes. No doubt about that. But I think in this case there's no remorse and no ownership of the issues at all so he could do it again pretty easily and somehow justify it in his head.


Or he could be feeling so ashamed with himself that he is trying to belittle the incident so that he doesn't crumble from his guilt. 

But that's a destructive attitude too


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## Mr Blunt

Karen
*Sometimes 4 months is not long enough to see a lot of progress or know if you should leave or stay.* Your husband not giving you a VC may mean he is still in a fog and/or is very insensitive. Unfortunately it may also mean that he is not convinced that he must do everything he can to help heal you. You seem to not know which it is. Four months is too early to tell in your case.


My advice to you is for you to make a plan. You should set a tentative date that will be a date that you think that you will have to see some progress that indicates that you both are recovering enough to keep together. During that plan time you should be doing EVERTHING to improve yourself in body, mind, and spirit. *The goal is for you to get yourself in a condition that you can make it with him or without him. The plan time should be set to accomplish that goal.*


I know that will be hard and that you will want your husband to do more and you will have to fight for that to not be dominate. Do all you can to help your husband but remember you must make you the very top priority. He has proven that he is capable of betraying you so you must get yourself stronger as your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. *A stronger you will always be more attractive to him and others.*

Work your plan, get yourself ready to be with him or without him, and in time you will know if he is going to help you both rebuild your marriage. *You will also be more sure of what you have to do. * It took me a few years to get ready and to know for sure about R. I hope that you can get there in less time.


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## hibiscus

Totally agree with Mr Blunt.

The day I made myself number one was the day I started to heal properly. I was no longer a prisoner of my own destructive thoughts. I get the odd triggers but they go quickly too.

I use to think I was the luckiest woman alive before he betrayed me. He was perfect in my eyes. It was hard for me to let go of this notion after his affair but 8 months later and I can safely say that I am able to live without him.

I deserve love and respect. Nothing less...and if I dont get it off him then I will rather be on my own...and I never thought I could say that.

But its taken me time to get to this level. You do get there eventually


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