# looking for a man's perspective



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I have been married for 17 years. the last two years have been extremely difficult because I found out my husband has been unfaithful at least twice and most recently found out one of the affairs was with my brother's wife. we have 2 children and I decided to forgive him and see if we could salvage our marriage. he refused to go to marriage counseling with me. my main concern is his lack of physical touch. he only touches me when he wants to get intimate other than that I'm mostly the one who is giving him hugs and kisses and when I'm the one to initiate sex, I am rejected. I'm concern that he is staying in the marriage out of obligation and not because he really wants to be with me. Now, I'm feeling resentful and angry.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

Was there ever a time in the marriage were you rejecting him sex. I would want to know why he cheated in the first place.

Lots of my guy friends cheat. And its always perfectly clear why. They want sex but don't want to leave the marriage, but are not getting it enough at home.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

The way I see it, if your husband wants to "save" your marriage then he has to be willing to work through it with you. That means, among other things, going to counseling.

It seems to me what you have done is merely rug-swept the issue of his cheating by "forgiving" him, without addressing the root-cause of why he cheated in the first place. That is something he has to do himself, and perhaps, in conjunction with you, if the root cause was something within your marriage that lead to the cheating (e.g. per Hacker's comment above about feeling he wasn't getting enough sex.)

You need to draw a boundary and insist he either go to counseling (by himself at a minimum to start, and if his therapist feels necessary, then jointly with you) to work on his issues. If he chooses not to, then it is clear to me he is not interested in saving your relationship, and you should simply let him go and get on with your life and find someone who is happy to be with you.

Merely "forgiving" him is not going to make the issues go away.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Does your brother know his WIFE had an affair with your husband?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Yes, my brother was the one who told me about the affair because he felt that something was going on with her but I was completely taken by surprise because her and I was very close. we hung out all the time because we have kids the same age. I even through her a graduation and engagement party- feel stupid now


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Wow you brother's wife ! ! ! I hope some in your family has the common sense to kick his ass. I'm sorry that he hurt you but he is an idiot to sex your bro's wife, , , , jesus what did your dad say to you and your brother ?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> he refused to go to marriage counseling with me....................... my main concern is his lack of physical touch.


Refusing to go to marriage counseling showed that he wasn't remorseful and he didn't value the opportunity you gave him. That should have been the end of the story. 

Your main concern should be that he doesn't respect you, not the lack of physical touch.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Cheating to me has always been pushing the NUKE button on the marriage. Once you cheat, you've checked out. The people that choose to stay and have their cake and eat it too are only staying for themselves, whether it's financial, the kids etc. They've pretty much written off any wanting of a romantic relationship with their spouse. Bottom line, most won't go to counseling because they don't want to work on getting you back, they want to keep the security & time with their kids & will cheat again the first chance they get. I think they only initiate when they are overly physically horny & you're an available body.
Being a "cheatee", I have strong feelings against cheaters. Cheating is a conscience decision to give up on you and the "I'm not getting it enough at home" is just an excuse to justify it.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hacker said:


> Was there ever a time in the marriage were you rejecting him sex. I would want to know why he cheated in the first place.
> 
> Lots of my guy friends cheat. And its always perfectly clear why. They want sex but don't want to leave the marriage, but are not getting it enough at home.


:wtf:


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Hacker said:


> Was there ever a time in the marriage were you rejecting him sex. I would want to know why he cheated in the first place.
> 
> Lots of my guy friends cheat. And its always perfectly clear why. They want sex but don't want to leave the marriage, but are not getting it enough at home.


Or like most men who cheat he could just be selfish. As evidenced by his responce to marriage counselling.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

maritalloneliness,

Did your brother's M survive?

If not, has your relationship with your brother been destroyed by your decision to R?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

To Dyokemm, 
My brother stayed in his marriage also but they basically are living apart in the same home. He has 2 daughters and one son (14, 12, 9). And he said he doesn't another man around his kids so he's willing to trade his personal happiness for the sake of the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hacker said:


> Was there ever a time in the marriage were you rejecting him sex. I would want to know why he cheated in the first place.
> Lots of my guy friends cheat. And its always perfectly clear why. They want sex but don't want to leave the marriage, but are not getting it enough at home.


:scratchhead: 



maritalloneliness said:


> my main concern is his lack of physical touch. he only touches me when he wants to get intimate other than that I'm mostly the one who is giving him hugs and kisses and when I'm the one to initiate sex, I am rejected.





maritalloneliness said:


> Our sex life for me isn't so great. I've always had a higher drive than him.





Hacker said:


> Lots of my guy friends cheat. And its always perfectly clear why. They want sex but don't want to leave the marriage, but are not getting it enough at home.


Making excuses for cheaters?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> To Dyokemm,
> My brother stayed in his marriage also but they basically are living apart in the same home. He has 2 daughters and one son (14, 12, 9). And he said he doesn't another man around his kids so he's willing to trade his personal happiness for the sake of the kids.


I hope that his wife has a job outside the home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> I have been married for 17 years. the last two years have been extremely difficult because I found out my husband has been unfaithful at least twice and most recently found out one of the affairs was with my brother's wife. we have 2 children and I decided to forgive him and see if we could salvage our marriage. he refused to go to marriage counseling with me. my main concern is his lack of physical touch. he only touches me when he wants to get intimate other than that I'm mostly the one who is giving him hugs and kisses and when I'm the one to initiate sex, I am rejected. I'm concern that he is staying in the marriage out of obligation and not because he really wants to be with me. Now, I'm feeling resentful and angry.


What has he done to start earning back your trust? It sounds like not a lot at all.

You cannot fix a marriage by forgiving him and then rug sweeping.

I suggest that you get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Get him to read them with you and do the work that the books say to do.

If he will not do that and will not go to counseling, there is no hope for your marriage. Seriously. They way you describe his lack of touching and your lack of sex life tells a lot.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

The only thing that I can say is that he's staying home all the time. He no longer goes out "with the boys". Although, he's physically present, we rarely talk. It isn't as if we did a lot of talking before. I have his code to his phone. I've also withdraw from him- I no longer call him at work to see how's he's doing; only talk about bills, kids and things to run the household. I feel like I'm doing most work trying to find out what when wrong. I'm reading the 5 love language, in therapy for low self esteem and joined a gym.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He has to be involved at some point. You might have to tell him that you are going to leave him if he will not work on things.

The two books that I suggested are, I think, much more indepth and more helpful for the two of you to work together then the 5 languages book. You might want to get them next.

It sounds to me like he's pouting.

Why does he say that he cheated?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Yeah, she does! My sister never cared for her but I tried to be open minded because she's family. Now I feel so stupid


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

NewLife2017 said:


> :wtf:


I have never denied him sex, if anything I'm the one who have rejected. I have a HD but he has LD. A lot of people has asked me why I didn't suspect anything. His drI've actually increased during that time so I didn't suspect.


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