# When do teenage girls become less angsty and dramatic



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Daughter 19 (first year at uni) I thought we had put those drama days behind us.

Although she has grown up lots over the past year; got a job, not needing us for very much, responsible with her money, feeding herself and taking care of her surroundings - she still seems to have problematic relationships ala highschool.

I spent all day yesterday trying to calm her down because she had a big row with one of her flatmates (my daughter is moving out on Monday and living with her best friend). A rather nasty, viscious text message from flatmate has turned into 'the whole world hates me, I'm a bad person, I have no friends...'. After Monday she won't even have to see them again and tbh they were just flatmates, not real friends. 

So tell me...generally what age do teenagers learn to think more rationally and calmly?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

About 21 🤣. I don't think it will ever end.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Because *someone* has to say it... she's female - never.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> 25. Your brain finishes cooking at that age and settles into adult-style malaise.


Yikes. I was married with a mortgage and a baby at that age. 

I do remember a few dramatic moments at work when I was a little younger than 25 which I still cringe about and cutting off annoying friends perhaps a little sooner than necessary.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

peacem said:


> Daughter 19 (first year at uni) I thought we had put those drama days behind us.
> 
> Although she has grown up lots over the past year; got a job, not needing us for very much, responsible with her money, feeding herself and taking care of her surroundings - she still seems to have problematic relationships ala highschool.
> 
> ...


Never. I have two. I understand.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I always remember reading (i think it was Child Brain) or something like that..

It said you could never attack emotion with logic. Someone crying over something cannot be consoled with logic like "tomorrow it wont even matter!"

NOW, i dont know if this would work with a teenage girl.. but try to connect with her emotions "Yah, I know it can feel sad when xxx happens, It happen(s) to me sometimes and it makes me feel really depressed and sad"

Once your out of the emotional stage you can start the logical attack. Like; "None of this **** matters.. by the time your 25, 30, 35 the chances of these people still being in your life is low and you will go off and do things you enjoy", etc etc.. etc...

My daughter is only 2 years old... i fear the teenage years


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Steve2.0 said:


> *I always remember reading (i think it was Child Brain) or something like that..
> 
> It said you could never attack emotion with logic. Someone crying over something cannot be consoled with logic like "tomorrow it wont even matter!"*
> 
> ...


I agree with the bolded.

Peacem, I remember being like your daughter. It didn't help that my parents thought or at least acted as if they had the answer to everything in life. Their advice on how to make friends made me appear either creepy ie. What? You called and left messages 10 times and they haven't called you. Well, call them again 

or highly exposed ie. Well, you didn't try hard enough. 

I finally learned to say less about my life so if they wanted to insult me, they had less material with which to do it.

I think you should start a thread so that everyone can share their roommate / flatmate story and give the ages of people involved. She will see that these problems happen often and at any age. They may also preview situations for her that she will know to avoid in the future ie, roommates with boyfriends who don't go home.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Steve2.0 said:


> I always remember reading (i think it was Child Brain) or something like that..
> 
> It said you could never attack emotion with logic. Someone crying over something cannot be consoled with logic like "tomorrow it wont even matter!"
> 
> ...





NextTimeAround said:


> I agree with the bolded.
> 
> Peacem, I remember being like your daughter. It didn't help that my parents thought or at least acted as if they had the answer to everything in life. Their advice on how to make friends made me appear either creepy ie. What? You called and left messages 10 times and they haven't called you. Well, call them again
> 
> ...


This is great advice thank you


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> Daughter 19 (first year at uni) I thought we had put those drama days behind us.
> 
> Although she has grown up lots over the past year; got a job, not needing us for very much, responsible with her money, feeding herself and taking care of her surroundings - she still seems to have problematic relationships ala highschool.
> 
> ...


When you stop spending all day with her trying to calm her down. You or anyone else is not her emotional support system, certainly not all day! She needs to learn how to cope on her own, that will only be good for her in the long run. Just like other types of maturity, emotional maturity requires parents letting go and having your kid stand up on their own feet so to speak. At least it did for me and others I watched.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Depends on the young woman in question. My older one is the archetypal drama queen at 26. The younger one is 23, and as cool and collected as they get.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

john117 said:


> Depends on the young woman in question. My older one is the archetypal drama queen at 26. The younger one is 23, and as cool and collected as they get.


How did the younger one get that way? I could certainly take some lessons.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

john117 said:


> Depends on the young woman in question. My older one is the archetypal drama queen at 26. The younger one is 23, and as cool and collected as they get.


How did the younger one get that way? I could certainly take some lessons.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> How did the younger one get that way? I could certainly take some lessons.


Dad's DNA 

The older one is the Asian looking PhD student with a lot of moms DNA. She was a drama queen thru highschool, got her act together in undergrad and grad after counseling thru hs, now that she has everything, started a bit of drama again. (And counseling again). 

The younger one is an amazing young woman. Even more rational and cold calculating than I am. Minor God complex (they teach that in MS1 I think)... Supreme self confidence. She's the one with the European DNA.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I found "detached compassion" to be a good way to help my oldest learn how to overcome "the drama spiral."


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My parents constantly told me that "my head is hard." (southern for stubborn). So of course, I grew up doubting myself and wanting to discuss it all the time. one of the parting criticisms from my exH. 

Far better to learn through experience. Not to mention, that some of the behaviors that my parents railed against when I exhibited them, they didn't seem to have any problems when other people we dealt with engaged in these reviled behaviors. I'm not sure what my parents were trying to achieve.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> My parents constantly told me that "my head is hard." (southern for stubborn). So of course, I grew up doubting myself and wanting to discuss it all the time. one of the parting criticisms from my exH.
> 
> Far better to learn through experience. Not to mention, that some of the behaviors that my parents railed against when I exhibited them, they didn't seem to have any problems when other people we dealt with engaged in these reviled behaviors. I'm not sure what my parents were trying to achieve.


I think you are right about experience. My H in his wisdom said she needed to experience a falling out at some point so she can learn to develop some natural resilience with communal living. Its easy to say and hard to watch.

Your parents may have thought if they sway you into a people pleaser, agreeable role, everything will be a-ok. Its probably the worst thing we can teach our daughters because they never learn to be proactive with their dissatisfaction. Actually, with context, maybe we should be teaching them that in the right circumstance a bit of stubborness is an attribute worth having.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> When you stop spending all day with her trying to calm her down. You or anyone else is not her emotional support system, certainly not all day! She needs to learn how to cope on her own, that will only be good for her in the long run. Just like other types of maturity, emotional maturity requires parents letting go and having your kid stand up on their own feet so to speak. At least it did for me and others I watched.


That's good advice and correct. She has actually been fantastic for the whole year and we barely hear from her. She has got an extra job because she doesn't want to come home over the summer which is really good (considering many of the students go home at the weekend I think she is doing well with her independence). She hasn't had a single falling out once up until now and I would have to have a heart of stone not pick up the phone when she calls wanting to fill me in with the latest details as the whole flat are not speaking to her. 

You are right though that apron string cutting needs to come from the parents, but there are times of crisis when they still need their mum for reassurance. I still call my mother from time to time for a moan and wise advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

peacem said:


> Yikes. I was married with a mortgage and a baby at that age.
> 
> I do remember a few dramatic moments at work when I was a little younger than 25 which I still cringe about and cutting off annoying friends perhaps a little sooner than necessary.


I was married with a mortgage and 2 babies at that age:surprise:
People today do seem to stay teenagers well past their teenage years.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The worse years in my experience are 14-16. After that they do gradually begin to improve and by their late teens are nearly normal.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I was married with a mortgage and 2 babies at that age:surprise:
> People today do seem to stay teenagers well past their teenage years.


Now I think about it - there wasn't much time for the friendship drama when I was 25. But it opened a whole new world of drama with inlaws and dealing with other people's problems that I didn't quite have the maturity to understand. I have rock solid boundaries now and I wish they would invent a time machine so I could change a few things. 

I sometimes wonder if I am trying to rewrite history through my daughter and just need to mind my own business....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

peacem said:


> Now I think about it - there wasn't much time for the friendship drama when I was 25. But it opened a whole new world of drama with inlaws and dealing with other people's problems that I didn't quite have the maturity to understand. I have rock solid boundaries now and I wish they would invent a time machine so I could change a few things.
> 
> I sometimes wonder if I am trying to rewrite history through my daughter and just need to mind my own business....


If your daughter is asking for help, ask her some open ended questions and try to get her to think things through. That's what a paid therapist would do. Well, the better ones. You could just sit and stare at her for 50 minutes each day.

Besides, I am waiting for your nightmare roommate thread. I have a few stories of my own.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> If your daughter is asking for help, ask her some open ended questions and try to get her to think things through. That's what a paid therapist would do. Well, the better ones. You could just sit and stare at her for 50 minutes each day.
> 
> Besides, I am waiting for your nightmare roommate thread. I have a few stories of my own.


I'll start it tomorrow. Would be a fun thread. x


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> I would have to have a heart of stone not pick up the phone when she calls wanting to fill me in with the latest details as the whole flat are not speaking to her.


I agree but maybe not all day. It's for her own good.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Steve2.0 said:


> My daughter is only 2 years old... i fear the teenage years


You should. Be afraid, be very afraid. My girl is about to turn 14. She's delightful and revolting in equal measure at the moment.



Diana7 said:


> The worse years in my experience are 14-16. After that they do gradually begin to improve and by their late teens are nearly normal.


God I hope so. 2 years to go then :lol:


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Steve2.0 said:
> 
> 
> > My daughter is only 2 years old... i fear the teenage years
> ...


Haha....those 2 last years of high school. Such joy. 50% of the time my sweet baby was possesed by an evil creature.


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