# taping sex without clear consent...thoughts?



## Heatherhell (Sep 23, 2015)

I'm new here and I posted this in the general forum but now realize it would better suited for this section. My husband got a good video camera this year and it's been making appearances in our bedroom periodically...at first with my consent to just dance/strip...but then after that one night I noticed he kept the camera out and pointed at us during sex...I saw the camera and afterward he showed me some of the footage, but at no point did he clearly ask me if it was OK to tape us having sex. I rolled with it, and sometimes I'd notice the camera, sometimes not. Well, we went away for our anniversary and he brought the camera, I posed for him, but then told him I was done with the camera. He said OK and put it on a nearby chair. Then I turned around and noticed the light was still on and I asked if it was turned off...he acted dumb and said Oh, I don't know, and he looked at it and turned it off. This really disturbed me. I have been happy with him and we've had some great experiences lately, but this has turned me off and I feel hurt. I said so and he apologized profusely. I guess I'm just looking for input/opinions/words of wisdom. I went away to celebrate our love and connection and instead I feel fetishized and deceived.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Clear violation of trust and boundaries imo. Not cool.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Heather he pushed your boundaries and now he knows what they are.

If he crosses them......... well whats next is your call!!

Make him aware of the consequences.

OH Yeah film the discussion.

55


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He clearly crossed the line here. You were cool with the taping to a certain degree and you let your boundary be known. He crossed it willingly and turned a time away together into a time that was not pleasurable. You should let him know that there will be consequences if this happens again.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'd have to see the tape to see if he crossed a boundary 

Yeah, he did. In each stop he should have gotten your permission and when you said enough, it should have ended there.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Consent needs to be clear, so yeah I see it as a violation. You should have access to the footage and have him delete (in front of you) anything that makes your uncomfortable. Then tell him what will happen if he decides to go against your consent again.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Heatherhell;

Why don't you pull up an article about all the celebrities who has sex tapes hacked from secure cloud storage sites. Tell him that as long as the video exists, there is a chance it could be put on the internet in a country, such as Russia, where there would be no hope fo getting it taken down. 

Tell him that while earlier you had gone along with some of the taping, he crossed the line on your recent trip. You want him to destroy all the video and have him promise that he will not do it again. Tell him if he can't then the two of you have some serious trust issues in your marriage that are going to require a marriage counselor to help resolve.

Good luck to you. You are not being unreasonable.

While you are talking to your H, ask him why this rev's his motor so much that he would violate your trust? Ask him if there is some other form of role playing or something the two of you could do that would satisfy him and yet not violate you trust in a potentially embarising way.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

No, this is not good. I certainly understand why he would be interested in taping, but he should not do it without your unambiguous consent.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Might want to make sure he hasn't posted anything.

There seem to be a lot of men losing their damn minds about this highly illegal activity of taking videos of their wives and girlfriends and then posting them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
while I mostly agree with the others, it isn't absolutely clear. What I see is:
1: You consented to being taped dancing / stripping

2: He continued to tape during sex without your consent. Wrong of him unless it was obvious that he was continuing to tape after taping you stripping. But - he showed you the video and from your description it didn't sound like you objecte.

3: He taped you stripping at your anniversary. Then when you told him you were "done with the camera". he continued to leave it on (certainly not a mistake). Wrong. But - the previous time he did the same thing, it isn't clear you objected much. 

When this happened earlier, did you make it clear that you absolutely didn't want him doing it again, or was your response sort of fuzzy.


I find it difficult to judge how wrong he was because it isn't clear to me how clear you made it to him that you objected.


Still the real question is what to do now:

If you feel violated, you can leave. That is absolutely your choice and no one should fault you for it. 

It is clear he really wants to tape you having sex. Are you OK with this if he asks? Do you think it is for his own use, or he is planning to share it on the internet? 

If it is not OK with you to be taped, will you leave if you find out he secretly did it again? Again your choice.



With relationships, I try t avoid thinking about right and wrong, and instead think in terms of what you should do given the current situation. If it were me, I'd decide if I was OK with being taped. If yes, then I would give permission. If not, then I would leave, since in this situation I don't think you can trust him not to do it again.

There is the 3rd option of telling him you will leave if he ever does it again - but you have to decide if you would really do that.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Insist on videoing him every time he takes a $hit ...

Honestly, if you didn't consent I would have him erase ALL footage. I personally would not trust someone who would videotape in a sneaky manner or without consent, especially since that seems like the type of person who may "accidentally" make the videos available to others...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
sadly, in the modern world you cannot erase all footage. There is no possible way to know that you have found every copy. 

There are image search engines, but I don't know of any way to search for videos online. No way I can think of to know if it has been posted.





EllisRedding said:


> Insist on videoing him every time he takes a $hit ...
> 
> Honestly, if you didn't consent I would have him erase ALL footage. I personally would not trust someone who would videotape in a sneaky manner or without consent, especially since that seems like the type of person who may "accidentally" make the videos available to others...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
For your consideration. I loved to tape my wife and for her to make me movies. I much preferred that to pornography. I felt as though I had my own private porn star. If you trust your husband, as my wife did me, somewhat ironic but I digress, then he may have a similar objective in mind. I still enjoy those old tapes and still prefer that to strangers any day. Just something to consider.

However, if you suspect he wants to post them publicly, then I would be very uncomfortable with that and would feel it does indeed cross a serious boundary.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

He crossed boundaries (even if they were ambiguous to begin with) and honestly, I'd be mad.

My real concern is that in this day and age, these things live forever. Not only are they out there in the digital ether, they are very easy to copy - not like in my day...

My other concern is that this will wind up on some porn site, either by his own doing, or if somebody else "finds" it.

Not only is that a violation of your privacy, what if somebody you know (friend, family member, co-worker) stumbles across it? Yikes.

A couple of years ago, a buddy of mine sent a link to me that was a video of somebody who looked an awful lot like my wife on some porn site. Luckily it wasn't, but it honestly took me a few minutes or so to determine that it definitely wasn't (100%, by the way. Thank god for tattoos!) But man, did this woman ever look like my wife... Those few minutes sucked, let me tell ya (no pun intended). Even though something like that could have been long before we even started dating, no sane person wants to see their spouse boinking somebody else.

If one consents to this, then by all means, just be aware of any future consequences. But when one party did not consent, that's pretty awful IMO. Takes a special type of person to do that, and post it for all to see. Ugh.


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