# Give up control?



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My H and I have a small issue that I think happens in a lot of relationships. You see the theme over and over that women feel over-burdened with household chores and don't feel like men take on their fair share. Guys may respond that "I do what she asks me to do" but the fact of the matter is, it is usually (I'm generalizing here) the woman in charge of making sure the housework/kid stuff all gets done. She may delegate certain tasks to the man but she has to follow-up and make sure it gets done and then ask him to do it again at the next appropriate interval. This makes both parties stressed out, the woman loses respect for the man, the man feels nagged and immasculated, and it spirals downward from there.

My H is always telling me "don't worry, it will all get done, don't stress out about it." But I feel like if I don't worry about it, it won't get done! It's a big circle.

So here is my thought: I give up total control over the household stuff. I will make a concerted effort not to worry about it at all or mention the millions of little things that need to get done. I will totally leave it to him to make assignments or if he chooses, we can prioritize together. I will absolutely help in completing the tasks or even do most of them (due to some physical issues, he is unable to do some chores) but the decision to do these particular chores at this particular time will come from him.

I'm thinking this will do one of two things (or maybe both). As the house gets dirty and laundry/dishes pile up and no groceries magically appear in the refrigerator, he may start to realize just how much I have on my plate at all times and why I am stressed about it. Or I will start to relax knowing that someone else is mentally handling it all and we will both be happier overall.

I'm curious if anyone has tried something like this and what other people think about the idea.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Well there's no harm in trying, right? If it works, more power to you! I was never able to get my stbxh onboard with household chores. However when you say "Or I will start to relax knowing that someone else is mentally handling it all and we will both be happier overall." - how do you think that will make him happier? Don't you think that that he is probably quite content with you doing it all now?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Your profile shows you are separated.

So I guess you are still living together or this is a new guy you are living with or something else?

Anyway, from a big picture perspective what do you each bring to the marriage? Meaning how is the bread winning spread? How about hours working?
Do you have children with this man? Do you have children from a previous marriage?

UPDATE: So it looks like you are living with your new fiance for a year and you have two children from your previous marriage.

I am just trying to figure out what kind of balance you have in your current relationship.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

IF you work full-time.... and he doesn't.... then you could try this. IF you both work full time, then it might be "schedule" time as in creating a chore chart. Include the kids. Even if everyone else did dishes one nite a week, that's three days that you don't. 

One thing to think about when making a chore chart... As the instigator, I'd choose the chores that YOU really really stress over. That way, you know those get done. Personally, I'd make everyone do dishes, and everyone be responsible for their own laundry. 

IF one of you works part time, then that person has more chores.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It's worth a try. But, in all fairness... You need to let him know WHEN you are starting this.

You can't just pop into a conversation/agruement the next week & say.. "See, I didn't worry about it & no one got the dishes done. I guess you'll go buy some paperplates, huh?"


I mean seriously. If you tell him before hand that you are going to "relinquish " this household chore duties assignments to him.. He might think twice about it & admit right away that he is not willing to be the master of that aspect of living together.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

To answer some of the questions:

Entropy - Sorry, I haven't updated my profile in a while. My H and I just got married. This is my second marriage and I have 2 kids from my previous marriage.

Chelle - I wouldn't just spring this on him. I would definitely talk about it with him first to get his take and let him know what is going on and the reasons behind it.

For some background on balance, we both work full-time. I have two kids from my previous marriage who live with us 50% of the time. He has some physical disabilities that mean most of the physical chores fall on me to do but he helps as much as he can and he usually distracts the kids so that I can get the housework done (i.e., he's not just laying around while I'm doing chores).

It's not really the balance of who does what chores that bothers me. It's more that I get stressed out as the chores stack up and he seems more laissez-faire about when they might get done. As an example:

Him: Should we invite (5-10 people) over for a barbecue on Saturday?

Me: Well, we have a lot to do this weekend. 

Him: Like what?

Me: 3 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, mow the lawn, weeding, finish painting the bathroom, miscellaneous other project...

Him: Don't stress about it hun, it will all get done.

Me: When? 

Maybe I'm just nuts. The funny thing is that a lot of the chores bug him too. He wants to get all of the little projects done but sometimes our timing is just off. It seems like maybe there would be less conflict and negotiating if I just let him decide when these things get done.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Also to clarify, I'm not trying to dump on my husband or say he doesn't do enough. I'm really trying to find a good balance before this becomes an ongoing source of irritation between us. There is a lot on this board about Alpha/Beta men and in general, he's a fairly alpha-type man. My ex was very beta so I fell into a pattern of feeling like I had to be the one in charge and maybe that's just hard for me to let go. I also work as an executive in a male-dominated field so I have to be sort of "one of the guys" at work. I'm hoping that maybe by letting go of some control at home, we'll both be more relaxed and happier. I'm not trying to dump responsibility on him just for the sake of it. Knowing his personality, I think he would like having more control over it and I would discuss this with him first. And maybe it would help us both understand each other's perspectives just a little bit better.

From his side, he may realize that there is a lot to do and it doesn't all just get done if we are always out socializing with friends.

From my side, maybe I'll realize that stuff will get done and if it isn't always perfect, that's okay too.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This sounds to me like chores are not enough of a priority for him and perhaps an over-priority for you.

Your whole argument paraphrased is:

Him: Hey wanna have some fun?
You: No, I want to work.
Him: But I don't. I want to have fun.
You: If we have fun, we will not work.
Him: The work will get done.

It sounds kinda silly to me because you aren't speaking each other's language at all. How about just this:

Him: Should we invite (5-10 people) over for a barbecue on Saturday?
You: Can we spend 2 hours before the event doing chores so I can relax and be proud of the house?
Him: Umm, ok.
You: Great, I'm in.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

This control thing is doomed to fail. You said yourself, this isn't him being lazy. 

What is going on here is a difference in priorities. You are stressing over certain chores. He doesn't think they are worthy of stress. So what will happen when he takes control. You will be stressed because he won't make those things a priority, and you will be stressed and resentful because of it. 

Acorn had good advice in the talking. You need to learn to compromise about this stuff. Right now, he wants to have fun. And from a man's perspective here, you are kind of coming off as a "debby-downer" to him. I'm not saying give up on the chores or anything like that. But you need to realize that your message to him is "No time for fun, we need to work". When it should be more along the lines (like Acorn said), "Hey, help me get some of this work done so we can have some fun!"


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

justonelife said:


> My H and I have a small issue that I think happens in a lot of relationships. You see the theme over and over that women feel over-burdened with household chores and don't feel like men take on their fair share. Guys may respond that "I do what she asks me to do" but the fact of the matter is, it is usually (I'm generalizing here) the woman in charge of making sure the housework/kid stuff all gets done. She may delegate certain tasks to the man but she has to follow-up and make sure it gets done and then ask him to do it again at the next appropriate interval. This makes both parties stressed out, the woman loses respect for the man, the man feels nagged and immasculated, and it spirals downward from there.
> 
> My H is always telling me "don't worry, it will all get done, don't stress out about it." But I feel like if I don't worry about it, it won't get done! It's a big circle.
> 
> ...


I'm a male but my wife is a slob and a hoarder.
I tried exactly what you said above and all I got was a disgustingly trashed house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

The problem with this:

Him: Should we invite (5-10 people) over for a barbecue on Saturday?
You: Can we spend 2 hours before the event doing chores so I can relax and be proud of the house?
Him: Umm, ok.
You: Great, I'm in. 

Is that his reponse wouldn't be: Umm, ok. It would go more like this:

Him: Should we invite (5-10 people) over for a barbecue on Saturday?
Me: Can we spend 2 hours before the event doing chores so I can relax and be proud of the house?
Him: 2 hours? What's going to take 2 hours? There's not that much work.
Me: Washing/folding 3 loads of laundry, doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, straightening up the house, going shopping for the barbecue
Him: Oh hun, don't stress out. It will all get done.

How do I have this conversation without coming across like a "debby-downer"? Part of me feels like I should just let go and see how much actually gets done in the time he thinks is reasonable to allocate to housework. Basically I see two responses:

1. I continue to insist on getting the stuff done, which irritates us both and I come off as a workaholic "downer"
2. I don't do the work and wait for him to run out of clean underwear


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Him: Should we invite (5-10 people) over for a barbecue on Saturday?
> Me: Can we spend 2 hours before the event doing chores so I can relax and be proud of the house?
> Him: 2 hours? What's going to take 2 hours? There's not that much work.
> Me: Washing/folding 3 loads of laundry, doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, straightening up the house, going shopping for the barbecue
> Him: Oh hun, don't stress out. It will all get done.


Him: Should we invite (5-10 people) over for a barbecue on Saturday?
Me: Can we spend 2 hours before the event doing chores so I can relax and be proud of the house?
Him: 2 hours? What's going to take 2 hours? There's not that much work.
Me: If we finish early, the two of us can have fun before the people come over.
Him: Where's the lawn mower?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Why are you so worried about the amount of time?

Say. As long as x, y, and z get done. Sure. We need to have x, y, and z done by X:XX on Friday in order to have people over Saturday.

And then just worry about getting them done. Don't set a time limit. Set a time to do them, or set a time to have them done by.... but don't worry about how long, worry about completion.

Because what I'm getting out of this is you are getting upset because he is saying they won't take as long as you think they will. Tell him when they need to be done. Maybe some "slight" nagging would be OK to make sure they get done by then.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm not worried about the amount of time. But when I say that I need to get X done by XX time, he will keep putting off because "we have plenty of time" to do it. 

As an example, his parents are coming into town on Sunday afternoon to stay with us for several weeks. I've told him that I need some time to set up their room, wash the sheets, make the bed, move some boxes that are in there, etc. Now we are talking about plans for the weekend and he keeps filling up the time with other things. When I remind him that I need some time to finish his parents' room, he just brushes it off as a 20 minute activity that we can fit in anywhere. But it's not a 20 minute activity. Along with all of the other things I need to do to get ready for them to come, it's at least 2-3 hours worth of work. I don't want to be a nag but I don't know how to convey this to him so that we can set a realistic schedule and priorities for our time.

I also don't want to come off like I want to work and not have fun, but should I just let his parents make their own bed?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

justonelife said:


> I'm not worried about the amount of time. But when I say that I need to get X done by XX time, he will keep putting off because "we have plenty of time" to do it.
> 
> As an example, his parents are coming into town on Sunday afternoon to stay with us for several weeks. I've told him that I need some time to set up their room, wash the sheets, make the bed, move some boxes that are in there, etc. Now we are talking about plans for the weekend and he keeps filling up the time with other things. When I remind him that I need some time to finish his parents' room, he just brushes it off as a 20 minute activity that we can fit in anywhere. But it's not a 20 minute activity. Along with all of the other things I need to do to get ready for them to come, it's at least 2-3 hours worth of work. I don't want to be a nag but I don't know how to convey this to him so that we can set a realistic schedule and priorities for our time.
> 
> I also don't want to come off like I want to work and not have fun, but should I just let his parents make their own bed?


Really? 2-3 hours of work to set up a room? I just emptied a room, installed a Murphy bed wall unit and set up the room in 3 hours....... What's really going on here? It does really seem like your priorities and his don't mesh and that you are a bit tight in the control sphere. Giving over the tasks to him will fail miserably. I think a schedule may be your best approach... And maybe some meditation time for you


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

KanDo she said 2-3 hours for the room as well as other stuff to do. If she's a perfectionist things could take longer than your average person too.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Question again:

You are getting upset about him not allowing time. Have you ever allowed him to go through with what he says? Like with the parents. Have you ever said: "OK, if that's all it takes you, you do it. It HAS to be done at X:XX time. And then let him do it? And if so, what was the result?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hope things work out this weekend.

Only chiming in because I lived with a similar attitude.

The fun gets planned. Never crossed his mind to do all the other stuff, ever. 

Nothing wrong with that. I said NOTHING.
Did the fun stuff. the house stuff didn't get done. That's life.
He complained lots. No clean clothes. No groceries. So what?

Eventually he figured out that "somehow" I managed to make sure I had food to eat, I had clean clothes, and my shet was organized.
Must have been the fairies  but alas.. it was me. Using evening time to do shet so I didn't waste my whole weekend mowing the lawn and doing laundry.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Deejov - That's kind of the attitude I'm starting to go with. If it doesn't get done, oh well. Eventually he'll figure out that we need to include some time to do these things or I'll learn that it doesn't matter that much. I'm not trying to say he is wrong at all. I'm just trying to figure out a system that works for both of us.

GPR - It's not as easy as just letting him do it because he has some physical disabilities that don't allow him to do some of the work. That's probably part of the issue. He can't do it so he doesn't realistically know how long it will take. He tries to help where/when he can but a lot of the actual work has to be done by me. He's also never lived with a wife and kids in a house before. Yardwork is TOTALLY foreign to him. He has only ever lived in an apartment or condo, basically by himself or with a roommate. So there is some adjustment there too.

MrsOldNews - Thanks for understanding. I don't even think I'm being a perfectionist too much. Doing laundry, dishes, cooking, general cleaning, yardwork, etc for a large house, a family of 4 with 2 young children who can't help that much and a spouse who can't help much either takes a lot of time. It just does.

It's kind of interesting that I'm getting slightly different responses between the men and women.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds like he just needs to buy that one precious commodity that you do not have: TIME.

Yes, I think maybe your idea of the "relinquish control" about deciding what chores get done & when... you giving that to him to make all the decisions & scheduling for it.. I think it would be a great idea for you (as a couple). It would open up his eyes a bit to see just how much you do get done.

I think it would be funny when, about 3-4 days in, 
Him: "Hey, where's the peanut butter? I was gonna grab a sandwich." 
You: "Sorry, you didn't schedule that."

I assume he would either get ticked, because he doesn't consider that part of the household planning that needs done... Or He'll finally get it.

- or- 

Him: "I'm out of deoderant +/or I'm out of clean undies".. 
You: "Sorry, it didn't get scheduled." "Don't worry, I'm sure it will get done sometime.. whenever you decide to remember to schedule it"
Him: "Well do it now!"
You: "Sorry, we have 5 people coming over for a barbque in half an hour. Are you going to prep all the food?"

ha ha ha ha lol..... sorry, I am just imagining how that would go down in my house!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Chelle - That's exactly what I had in mind. I'm not trying to start an argument. I'm just trying to find a way for him to understand all of the little things that I have to think about in order for our little life to keep moving along. When he thinks about things that need to get done, he thinks in terms of larger projects like painting the bathroom and things he can see right in front of him. He thinks much less about the more mundane, everyday type of things that have to get done. He sort of brushes those off as just little things. But they add up and they become pretty important when they don't get done!

I'm really not trying to be petty. I just want him to get it without me having to constantly nag.

I may start off a little more gently. Maybe with the example of getting his parents room ready. I've mentioned working on it this weekend several times already so he is well aware that it is on my "to do" list. I'm curious what would happen if I just don't say a word about it all day tomorrow and see if he brings it up.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You've got a good head on your shoulders.  I actually think this will probably be a good idea & will work in your favor. It's not like you are trying to be vindictive, or punishing. 

You just want him to understand your frustration of him not realizing that "all the little things" add up to a larger responsibility that he is acknowledging.

Good luck. But, I think it will work for you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Are there really people out there that can't clean their own underwear and buy things like peanut butter when it runs out? Geez. That's not something a man does. That's something a lazy person does.

Anyway, I'm here to try to support so I'm sorry to sound so negative about the idea, but it really does sound like your H does not need these little things to be done. That means you are asking him to meet a need YOU have. Which is perfectly reasonable. And, why it makes sense to tying it in with some of his needs.

Or, you can delight in calling him out on his failings and watch him build resentment, all while your house falls apart and his attraction to you dwindles by the day.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

She's not saying he's failing in the stuff... just that he isn't acknowledging the time & effort she puts in the household keeping it running smoothly.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

justonelife said:


> My H and I have a small issue that I think happens in a lot of relationships. You see the theme over and over that women feel over-burdened with household chores and don't feel like men take on their fair share. Guys may respond that "I do what she asks me to do" but the fact of the matter is, it is usually (I'm generalizing here) the woman in charge of making sure the housework/kid stuff all gets done. She may delegate certain tasks to the man but she has to follow-up and make sure it gets done and then ask him to do it again at the next appropriate interval. This makes both parties stressed out, the woman loses respect for the man, the man feels nagged and immasculated, and it spirals downward from there.
> 
> My H is always telling me "don't worry, it will all get done, don't stress out about it." But I feel like if I don't worry about it, it won't get done! It's a big circle.
> 
> ...


This has *always* been an issue in my relationships to some extent. My husband is fabulous about doing MORE than his share at home and never complaining about what I do or don't, and I end up feeling guilty because of all the complaints I've heard before! 

I took your method on a couple of times, and it didn't work out that great for me. Yes, I didn't feel as stressed, but it affected the household and my relationships. 

After that, I hired someone to come in once every two weeks. She spent 4 hours and it looked amazing every time she came, which made it easier to keep up with in between. That cost me about a hundred and fifty bucks a month and I consider it money VERY well spent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can the two of you afford someone to come in and help once a week or so? 

This migh take the edge off the problem.


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