# I am Floored



## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for just under 10 years. We have a 5 year old son that we both adore. Our marriage has never been a real romantic one but we do love each other. We have had problems in the past (communication mostly) and did some marriage counseling. I thought we were doing fine the last couple of years. We put an offer on a house and have been talking about having a second child. Last Friday night we were camping with a bunch of friends, probably 10 or more families. My wife drank way too much and in time I noticed she was nowhere to be found. I knew she went with a friend of ours to their motor home to joke around with their 18 year old son. I asked our friend if he knew where she was and he said the last time he saw her was in his motor home so I went in and caught my wife having sex with the 18 year old boy. Needless to say I was pissed, embarrassed and heart broken. I went back to my motor home and stared at my son for about a half an hour trying to digest what I saw. She finally came in and didn't have much to say for herself. She passed out and I packed up and left. We got to the freeway and she woke up and was pissed that I had left and demanded that I take her back, which I did not. She then proceeded to get physical with me hitting me to a point of almost causing us to crash our motor home at 70 miles an hour. I finally called the police and she stopped. Well I pulled over and waited but go figure, after 5-10 minutes the police never showed. I decided that I didn't need to have her arrested in front of our son and drove home. My sister in law met me and took our son and my wife and I went home. She started arguing with me again saying that what she did was my fault. I decided that it was useless to try to discuss this with her due to the fact that she was still drunk and she went to our bedroom and passed out, thank God! She finally did apologize but it wasn't all that heart felt and infect was followed up with why it was my fault again. I have spent the last few days pretty much not talking to her, thinking if it where me I'd be doing everything possible to show how sorry I was...she hasn't. Last night I gave her a letter that I sat and wrote yesterday spilling out all my feelings. She read it with no emotion and never said a word to me. I finally asked her how she could read what I wrote and not have a word to say to me and she said that it was a lot to take in, that I brought up things that she thought were resolved. I said that obviously nothing had been resolved in our marriage or this wouldn't have happened. She finally told me that she hasn't felt loved in about 5 years...funny thing is that I haven't either. I have tried to talk to her about this several times but she would just get sarcastic and we wouldn't get anywhere so I quit and we have been coasting ever since. Another comment that she made really sticks in my mind as pretty damn selfish. She doesn't have any of her family close by and all my family lives here. She said that she has no one as far as family for her to talk to about this and is hurt because my family (brother and sister in law, no one else knows) hasn't called to see if she is ok. Is this really selfish of her? That's how I felt anyway. Is this normal behavior for the person that got caught? A little sorrow would sure go along way.
She has agreed to quit drinking and go to counseling which I have already made the appt. but I am so lost right now. I do know that I love her, even now and she says she loves my but she isn't acting much like it. I guess I will just have to wait and see how the counseling goes...My god what a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think you need to figure out what you want.

If it is the marriage BOTH of you are going to need to work on it.

You are right she is selfish, and this along with the physical cheating needs to be addressed.

Chances are it will take over a year to start healing this.

draconis


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i am very sorry for what you are going through! no one deserves this in a marriage regardless of the state of the marriage so don't ever believe that her actions are your fault! drac is right, you have to figure out what you want & talk to her. be firm & know what you can & can't accept in order to move on one way or another! good luck, stay strong & keep us posted!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hearing that you've both been unhappy for 5+ years makes me think she's built up such resentment that she doesn't feel wrong/guilty for her actions and is even able to point the finger at you. Marriage counseling is definitely in order and hopefully you will both be able to make some progress with the issues within your marriage.

Understanding where she's coming from and what she's been feeling within the marriage is important. However, it doesn't justify sleeping with an 18 year old & the physical abuse in the car...that's just unacceptable within a marriage and you are in no way at fault for any of it.


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

Thanks for your support, it is really needed right now. I know I want my marriage and i understand that I am at half the fault of our marriage being as bad as it is but I think what kills me the most right now is the lack of emotion on her part. I guess that is what you are talking about Swedish.
I absolutely refuse to accept any blame for the choice that she made and have told her so but I am finding myself wanting to appologize for the other stuff and that in turn makes me feel like I am a door mat. I mean what kind of man can catch his wife having sex and then appologizes? Are my feelings normal? UGGHHHHH!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unimaginal pain said:


> I mean what kind of man can catch his wife having sex and then appologizes? Are my feelings normal? UGGHHHHH!


If i caught my H actually having sex, oh man. Id be outta here so fast, that is, after i destroyed his car, computer, and anything else i could get my hands on. Apology?!? No way. Its amazing to me that people remain as calm as you have. Your wife should be grateful you are so calm about it. 

You are not at fault for what she did. that was her choice. we all feel alone and unloved in our marriages at some point. what each person does with that is his/her own choice.


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

Well last night we had to put on a birthday party for our son...ya, his birthday was sunday. Anyways, for my son I put on a happy face in front of everyone(some people knew and some didn't) and even talk to her like nothing had happened. We drove in seperate cars so when it was over my son and I left and she stayed to pay the bill. When she got home she continued on with me like nothing had happened, discussing her day at work ect....I just don't understand her behavior. I absolutly cannot wait to get to the coubnselor and get some structured talk. Can't get in until nexrt Wednesday and that feels like 10 years to me.

ljtseng I would have been out of there but I for the life of me can't stand the thought of not seeing my son every single day and now that I have made the decision to stay all these other thoughts pop into my head....this is definately the biggest mind f*** I have ever had to deal with!


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

hang in there as best as you can until your session. i know it's hard because it's like living in limbo for a week. can you talk to her in the evening when you son goes to sleep? would she be open to that?


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

The problem with talking to her about this is that she is very standoffish...I just can't understand how someone can do this to someone they love...or even once loved...hell even liked!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Talking normal is the path to healing and returning to the foundation of the relationship. Don't rebuke her for trying to be normal. It will only compound any issues you have and make things worse. 

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

unimaginal pain said:


> My wife drank way too much and in time I noticed she was nowhere to be found. I knew she went with a friend of ours to their motor home to joke around with their 18 year old son. I asked our friend if he knew where she was and he said the last time he saw her was in his motor home so I went in and caught my wife having sex with the 18 year old boy. Needless to say I was pissed, embarrassed and heart broken. .


some things a rational person would have a hard time forgiving. this would be one of them. my opinion.


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

Oh trust me, it's been very hard but as stated before I must put my son at the front of my thoughts plus kind of, in a weird way, is easier that it happened this way instead of her actually having someone she had fallen in love with and had a real relationship with...at least this was just drunken sex. I know, no excuse, believe me I'm not saying it's ok but at least I am not competing with love.
I did catch myself looking in the mirror this morning questioning what kind of a man that I am by not reacting more harshly. Am I being a doormat?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

unimaginal pain said:


> I absolutely refuse to accept any blame for the choice that she made and have told her so but I am finding myself wanting to appologize for the other stuff and that in turn makes me feel like I am a door mat. I mean what kind of man can catch his wife having sex and then appologizes? Are my feelings normal? UGGHHHHH!


I think your feelings are totally normal & I've been in that position myself. In my opinion, the only way to move forward and come out of this with a stronger marriage (which is possible) is if you are both willing to discuss what was missing in the marriage in the last 5+ years and are both willing to work to make things right. You have clearly recognized your role in your marriage being distant and there's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging and apologizing for that.


unimaginal pain said:


> I did catch myself looking in the mirror this morning questioning what kind of a man that I am by not reacting more harshly. Am I being a doormat?


NO! I went to individual counseling when I learned of my husband's emotional affair last year and I asked her the same thing...if I stay, aren't I being a doormat and sending a strong message that I will put up with anything?

Here's the deal...we had some serious talks and it came down to me saying I want a monogamous marriage...that's what I signed up for and still feel that way. If you do not, we need to end the marriage which is absolutely not what I wanted. I also told him if he ever felt the urge to stray again, to respect me enough to be honest with me and we would go from there, but cheating behind my back is a total deal-breaker now.

You are only a doormat if you turn your cheek to her infidelity and let it continue. You are not a doormat if you make your boundaries known to her and stand your ground going forward. I hope for your sake counseling helps her to see that what she did was totally wrong even if she was feeling disconnected and unhappy for some time. You deserve to see remorse from her and I hope you get it at some point.


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

Thank you Swedish


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## Ephesians5:25 (Oct 16, 2008)

> Our marriage has never been a real romantic one but we do love each other. We have had problems in the past (communication mostly) and did some marriage counseling.


I am so sorry to hear about your situation.. 

It is encouraging that you are 'accepting' your part in this horrible event.. Now, try not to take offense, but consider this:

A wife who is being treated as a wife should be treated, RARELY, if ever, commits adultery. A majority of the time, a wandering wife indicates a husband who is disconnected from initimacy in the marriage. I encourage you to continue to reflect on what YOU can do to help the situation. 

Again, I don't have any special knowledge regarding your situation, only you will know if the meaning of my post fits your situation. What I am saying is that MEN cheat quite a bit, and they will do so even if they have a wife who is meeting their various needs. However, it is NOT common for the wife to cheat when the husband is cherishing her, and honoring her. Yes, she has to "answer" for her mistakes, but the husband has more 'control' over her actions than one might think at first consideration. 

E525


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

E525 funny you post this...we finally had a breakthrough conversation last night. She admitted she was wrong, said that she has never been the one to hurt the other before and doesn't know what to do, how to act. She began to tell me what she has been feeling and why she has been unhappy. I don't know for sure if this is a cop out or not but I asked her what happened that night, what caused her to do it and she said she didn't know. She was mad at me for something I said earlier in the day, something that she had a right to mad about and well the theme of the night was drinking. My wife hasn't been much of a drinker since our son was born so needless to say she can't put them down like she used to. She said that she remembers going in their motorhome to give him crap about going to bed early, this is normal behavior with our group. She said she remembers climbing up to his bunk and then the next thing she remembers is getting caught. She says that she can't remember anything in between. I am not trying to make excuses but she was very drunk. Maybe it's something that I want to cling to, I don't know but at least she wasn't stone cold sober making these decisions. 
E525 no offence taken, what you are saying is EXACTLY what I heard out of her mouth last night.
I think our talk last night has helped greatly. We both have agreed to treat each other with care and respect again and we are both really looking forward to start counseling...funny, for the first time since this has happened I don't feel like throwing up.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Alcohol can definitely play a huge role in making stupid decisions, so I'm sure that was a big factor and if it helps you through this, cling away on that.

One thing that made her mad earlier that day coupled with being intoxicated may have aided in her going against better judgment but I would imagine what she's been feeling and why she's unhappy has been building over time. I'm really glad you are both talking and looking forward to counseling. This coupled with the fact that you both agree to pay close attention on how you treat one another is the best combination for a strong marriage...and very likely can be stronger than before if you remain close and connected.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Ephesians5:25 said:


> I am so sorry to hear about your situation..
> 
> It is encouraging that you are 'accepting' your part in this horrible event.. Now, try not to take offense, but consider this:
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

Wow...My wife sat down and wrote me a letter today. I had no idea what I had been putting her through. The sad part is that i can't deny almost everything she said. I just wish it hadn't taken this to finally talk to me. Maybe she did years ago and I just didn't listen...I don't know. I know I didn't deserve what she did and it hurts like hell but I think it is going to change our marriage for the better. I can't thank the people on this site enough for helping me through this so far...I'm sure I'll rant a thousand times more as I know this is only the beginning but at least we have a starting point now.
E525 again, I think you hit the nail on the head. Now that we have talked and she has opened up I can see it very clearly now.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Good for you ! :smthumbup:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Good for you. I wish I had been half as mature when things blew up with my H. It really is a much better way to handle things.


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## unimaginal pain (Oct 15, 2008)

We actually had a pretty good weekend together. I have taken some advice that I recieved here and actually looked at her when she talks to me, what a difference just doing that makes. When alone my brain goes into overdrive but I have been trying pretty hard not to take it out on her. She knows she did wrong and me constantly reminding her isn't going to help the situation. She has actually told me that she loves me a few times this weekend...something that hasn't been said in a long time. Feels good!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

unimaginal pain said:


> We actually had a pretty good weekend together. I have taken some advice that I recieved here and actually looked at her when she talks to me, what a difference just doing that makes. When alone my brain goes into overdrive but I have been trying pretty hard not to take it out on her. She knows she did wrong and me constantly reminding her isn't going to help the situation. She has actually told me that she loves me a few times this weekend...something that hasn't been said in a long time. Feels good!



:smthumbup:


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