# Heart torn out along with manhood



## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

Typical story here. Dated my wife for about 2 years then got married and have been for 14 years. She was amazing and I thought I treated her well. Our sex life before marriage was so amazing. It was so good because I loved her with all of my heart and she was and is my soul mate. We have 1 son and made the mistake of working our schedules so one of us was always with him. Please don't ever do this it will kill your marriage. I really feel our sex life took a plunge downward all most right after our wedding. Currently I haven't had sex with her in all most 4 years. I admit I wasn't helpful around the house as I should have been. We both kind of fell into habits when we were at home alone me video games her tv and we kind of kept these up when off together. This didn't start at first just kind of started happening over the years. I would totally beg her for sex and she would push me away it got to the point of just trying to kiss her and she would push me away. Last August I started to suspect something was up. She stopped saying she loved me and I let it go for awhile then couldn't help myself started snooping around her laptop. Came across a e-mail to a girlfriend of hers where she was going on about how unhappy she was and wanted a divorce. I was devastated as I had no idea how unhappy she was. I mean I was unhappy too but not to that point. We also struggled with financial problems and I didn't help her during those times. I would spend money and didn't care. Yeah I know I'm a piece of trash I get it. Well some more snooping and I found a letter she had written but not sent to a guy she dated like a whole bunch of years earlier telling him how she still loved him and wanted to be with him. I felt like I could just die when I read that like I couldn't breathe and wanted to throw up. I confronted her with it and she said she wanted a divorce. I admit it I cried like a complete baby. Well she agreed to work on it and I changed completely. Everything she said she was unhappy with I changed. Granted I screwed it up big time and did all the things I shouldn't have. The whole following around like a puppy dog and whatnot. Should mention she is in mid 40s me 40. She suffers from depression and migraines. I went to counseling like she suggested and changed all I could. Fast forward to earlier this year. She wasn't putting any effort into anything. I snooped again (I feel like a criminal for this) found a secret e-mail account and a whole bunch of e-mails from some guy she met on Craigslist. Very dumb way to meet someone in my opinion. E-mails suggested a meeting. I showed up there and confronted them. I played it cool and didn't crash a chair over dudes head as I wanted to. I got up the next day and she had the balls to be pissed at me for reading her e-mails. She said, "It was only dinner". Like that makes it cool. We are at this point just residing in the same house. I am at work about 3 weeks later (I work nights) and get a bad vibe. So I leave work early and come home to just miss them in bed together. I confront her an she says, "yeah we had sex". In our bed in my house like I'm nothing just dirt or trash. Like our life together means nothing. So I moved out right away. I am now living with her mom. Yeah thats right HER mom. Her whole entire family have been so awesome to me its crazy. Its not that they just support me though. They just think what she is up to is so wrong. I have been coping okay with it I guess. Some days are a total nightmare like put a gun to my head and end it all bad. Some days I am so angry I want to cut her head off. Some days I cry for no reason. I mean I once was a man tough guy no emotion you know typical grab my crotch and man up kinda guy. Now I feel like I have no balls crying all the time. Her family has been so great though. As it stands though she has it all. A guy that gives her sex all the time (she said so on facebook making fun of me behind my back). Our house and what not. She did come to me and want me to pay half the second mortgage I told her she was out of her mind. Sorry for the length of this stupid post.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Move back home.
Start making this affair as inconvienent as possible.
Look up the 180 degree steps.
DO NOT BEG FOR THE MARRIAGE!

Find out who the other man is and if he has a GF or a wife and expose the affair.

Do not pay for anything and cut all joint accounts off.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The very first thing I suggest you do is get over feeling bad about snooping. You snooped because you loved her, you snooped because you were trying to figure out why she was so distant, STILL, when you had put so much effort in to make the marriage work. I know you realize now that one spouse can twist into a pretzel to help the marriage but if the other partner isn't also working hard, it's pretty much for naught.

I strongly recommend getting tested for STDs. 

Also see a doctor to help you cope with the depression. You'll probably barely get the words out before your doctor will write you a prescription. The meds are not a crutch, they will not make you happy, they will just lift you out of the very bottom of the trench you're in so that you can think more clearly and make good choices.

Good for you to have told her family and to see how incredibly supportive they are of you. That is a huge point in your favor. It is a shame that she is so far gone that this apparently doesn't influence her to change her ways.

Craigslist is, as you correctly point out, the dregs of the dregs. The fact that you showed up and she had the GALL to say it's just dinner indicates to me that what she's has grown accustomed to is walking all over you. She has zero respect for you in any way.

You should not have moved out of the home. The first thing I'd do is move back in and make her move out if she can't stand to share the home with you. Moving out can influence your situation legally, it is especially important to do this since you have a son.

Stay strong, the CWI posse will be riding in shortly....


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

I now have my own checking account and there are no joint accounts. I know where the guy lives and am trying to gather intel. I will soon have his plate number and will run it to get all info. I haven't even talked to her about the marriage in a long time. I am 180ing it right now. The only contact we have is like 1 or 2 a week to exchange clothes for our son. He is split between us equally. Not sure I can live there as I am afraid I will go nuts on him/her and end up in jail. I work in a branch of law enforcement and will so lose everything if I get locked up. When I do see her its like for 1 minute at a time and I barely speak to her. I am going to make sure its even less from here on out. She tells me to come to our joint house to pick up our son and then there are times when she says don't come thats when I know dude is there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For now you are in a losing battle until the Om is completely out of the picture.

Start by showing her the consequences for her choices by doing the things I mentioned in my last post.

One of the best tactics to make this affair uncomfortable and inconvienent is by filing for divorce. Remember filing and having her served is completely different then when the divorce is finalized.

During the divorce waiting period you can continue to fight this affair. the point is even though you have unconditional love for your WW (wayward wife) you will not share her or tolorate her behavior.

So please I know how bad this hurts. 2yrs ago when I was going thru this sh*t I showed my wife I was confident in moving on with out her (even though I wasn't) and manned up and told her I loved her and would not share her so I asked her to leave.

I also spent more time with my kids and left my wife out. I did everthing I could to push my wife away and was going to accept the blame for her adultory.

Sure I was to blame for 50% of an unhealthy marriage but no way in hell was I going let her blameshift her adultory on me. My wife had a choice...put her big girl pants on and file and divorce my @ss or take the easy way out and sleep with OM other man.

HER SLEEPING AROUND IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!


Man up, no crying or begging that is so unattractive, so work on your self, go work out (it worked great for me), go buy some new cloths, cut your hair, and show your wife how confitent you are in letting her go.

Trust me, I know you love her to death and are feeling so sh*tty right now, but its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up.

There is a proven script to this infidelity crap and you are at the right place to get help so listen and read.

So go educate your self about affairs and eat, go to your doctors so you can get some focus. You will get thru this we all have.


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

1 more thing as this is at some point in time I guess going to end in a divorce. She will be keeping the house as even with alimony (she makes quite a bit more than me) I couldn't afford to live there by myself. I have started back in the gym. Not to brag but i used to be in awesome shape I worked hard at it. That is helping me. I am now running again and busting my butt to get back in shape. I just feel kinda like man I didn't deserve this. I would have never done this to her or any girl I was ever with. The pain is so intense like nothing I have ever felt before.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Move back and start making this affair inconvienent...ask her to leave. You have to get tough here. 

How long have you been out of the house?

Dude, it half your house and talk to a lawyer about you options.

You have to suck it up and be there for your kid, in your own home, if she wants to continue the affair then she can leave.

If you stay away form home to long you will get nailed for abandonment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Get a paternity test, immediately!
She hooked up with you because she could sense that you'd be a easy "mark". This probably was going on before you married.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go talk to a lawyer ASAP, you are assuming and you have no idea what your options are.

I had a really unhealthy marriage for 13 years, sure this could be an exit affair but who is the OM? Is it something that will last of is this guy like 10 years younger with no career? My point is do want to R or do want a D?

Sorry I'm all over the place, I truelly feel for you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ForeverIS said:


> 1 more thing as this is at some point in time I guess going to end in a divorce. She will be keeping the house as even with alimony (she makes quite a bit more than me) I couldn't afford to live there by myself.


If you want to reconcile, I'd still move back in the house regardless.

If you don't want to reconcile and you're 100% certain legally that moving back in won't have an impact on your future, then no need to move back in. Edited to say, you better have the advice of a good lawyer on this.

Is she shielding your son from this man? The day may come soon when she won't do that any more, you will need a lawyer's advice to get an order in place to minimize your son being around "boyfriends."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Crying is all fine, JUST DON'T DO IT FRONT OF WW.....


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> Crying is all fine, JUST DON'T DO IT FRONT OF WW.....


you beat me to it!

You can cry until there isn't a molecule of water left in your body. In private, that can be a very good thing.

If you want her to proceed to f*ing in front of you on the lawn as you drive up, a good cry IN FRONT OF HER should do the trick.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She sounds long gone.

That kinda changes your options.

File for divorce.

When you get the info in the OM hope he`s married.
If he is expose the affair to his wife.

These two options are really the only things that "might" bring your wife back to her senses.

Her attitude, the absolute lack of respect, and the fact that there has been no intimacy in your marriage for 4 years makes me believe she`s a goner.
For this reason I`m not going to stress moving back in as I normally would.
Divorce sounds like it`d find you moving out regardless so unless she shows some remorse, respect, or regret I don`t think there`s a point to moving back in.

If for any reason you think there is a glimmer of love, empathy for you left within her get your ass back home ASAP.

Lawyer up now.

Sorry about your situation Forever.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The OM could have domestic violence convictions or likes kids. You need to get on top of your sh*t brother. Remember your little boy is counting on you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> The OM could have domestic violence convictions or likes kids. You need to get on top of your sh*t brother. remember your little boy is counting on you.


Yes, criminal background check the OM is a critical part of investigating him. But I suppose with your law enforcement background, you may be ahead of us on this one.


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

I have been out of the house since March 3. One shining bright spot is I have been paying large amounts on the one credit card I have since I told her I was done paying on the house. Also if I move back in there is no way I can pay the bills there. I know she is really struggling as she said so to her mom. I did talk to a lawyer about some of this. Her mom actually paid for me to go! He said yeah stop paying any house bills and don't fight her to keep in a marriage as its over. Harsh but I guess he's right. I thought about filing but I am scared her family wont understand. I am also scared she will throw that in our son's face. He is 11 and he knows this is her decision not mine. He knows I love her very much and have told him so. I should mention too we are both religious I know that shouldn't have anything to do with it.


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

As far as R I don't know. Times I do and times I don't. I don't love the person she has become. Maybe I'm in love with what I remember of us I don't know. I do know I deserve someone who loves me don't I? I don't know as thing makes me question everything about me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry you're here.

Hooking up on craigslist is the lowest of the lowest. She ain't worth it. Talk to your advice and try to get away with the least amount of debt/most amount of asset.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So a month and a half and you got a lawyer. Ok now remember, filing for divorce and finalizing a divorce are completely different from each other.

Beside the emtional and finacial consequences, your WW may need to see the final consequence to her choices. 

I have to admit, after rereading your 1st post it sounds like she has checked out for good, but you have a 11yr old son that is counting on both of you and for OM to be around him is not healthy, so talk to your lawyer about a moral clause that will pervent this from happening.

Believe it or not time does heal all wounds and all this crap is still raw and fresh. So focus on your self and then your boy, Its like the oxygen mask on a air plane, you have to take care of your self 1st then you can put the O2 mask on the child.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Are you sure your in laws don't have an ulterior motive?


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Are you sure your in laws don't have an ulterior motive?


I don't think so as they have all expressed nothing but disgust for what she has done/is doing. Most of them have tried talking to her and letting her know its wrong to do this. I know my son doesn't know about the om. We are taking him to counseling each separately so from that perspective I know she has no plans to end this. I have considered filling. The lawyer told me wait and let her do it as it will save me about $250. I know she could drag this on forever and at some point I will have to make a jump if I want to move on with my life.


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

The lawyer I talked to is way way too expensive for me. His retainer is $4,000 and he charges $400 an hour. My friend told me about his lawyer and he charges a bit less so I may talk to him. I just don't get it though. What kind of person does this to another person? She was supposed to be my best friend. I guess she has no morals is that right?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are there too many assets involved?


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

No literally just a house. No 401Ks or anything else. 1 car mine 1 suv hers. Thats it. We payed off $56,000 of debt in 5 years and were set this year to make some serious home improvements and start retirement saving. We had also talked of buying a beach home and renting it out.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Then dont waste money on lawyer fees. Have her get dumped by the OM, and file for divorce on her own. In the mean time start saving money and keep the MIL happy.

edit: save the money in cash, nothing which can be divided in divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

See as the marraige deteriorates, waywards will look for someone to fill the void, it starts out as friends then the OM makes a move on the weak and lonly house wife.

So your WW pays here dues for this missing void by having sex with OM. She then starts to rewrite history and makes you out to be the abusive neglectful husband so she can justify the affair.

Affairs are like icebergs, there is more then it seems. Especially the time. The cheating life style your WW is in has been going on longer then you know...that is a given. 

Just like any behavior it takes time to grow. and now you are here at this point were it has all blown up in her face so now she jsutifies it by making you out to be the bad guy and as long as she is cold and distant in her fantasy of affair fog she is doing the right thing.

Waywards can have intitlement issues or valitation issues or even PBD and at any case the choice to sneak off and have an affair is easier then standing up and filing for divorce while they still have honor.

But since they have gone down the wrong path, and are now caught, they will lie till there death in order to make them selve believe they did the right thing.

Now that you have confronted her she has to treat you like sh*t b/c the truth in what she really has become is to painfull to admit to.

See, it realy is her and not you...she made a choice to deal with a unhealthy marriage by seeking others to fill a void and by lying and decieving you. 

She could have put her big girl pants on long ago and stayed true to her self and fill for D, but instead she has choose the easier path. This adultroy crap is all on her and has nothing to do with you. 

I know it doesn't help with the pain, but I hope it gives you some understanding on why she is not the same person you married and what she has become and why.

I'm just the-guy with a cheating wife. I bang nails for a living, and alls I have to offer is my experience, that and being here for over 2 freaking year.......


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Have you been tested for STD's?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ForeverIS said:


> I just don't get it though. What kind of person does this to another person? She was supposed to be my best friend. I guess she has no morals is that right?


the guy said it well--the marriage could have been vulnerable (for whatever reason); or she could have some type of mental illness: she may be a narcissist (in the clinical sense) or have BPD (borderline personality disorder) or some other issues like deep depression or untreated bi-polar disorder, the list goes on. Or, she may have no mental issues at all, and this is more often than not the case. Has her family been overly protective of her--or do they wait on her hand and foot? Is she used to getting her way in general--is she a self-preoccupied person even before the affair?

She is lying to herself in some way to justify this. I'm sure she believes in "morality" or she would never have married you. She has in some way psychologically justified HER version of morality by explaining to herself that she deserves to have an affair. Cheaters aren't spending a great deal of time pondering what their spouse thinks. They are not in an empathetic place. Cheating does not follow rules of logic and betrayed spouses are chasing up the wrong alley trying to comprehend it.

Mature adults who reach the sad conclusion that their marriage isn't going to work, despite many efforts at communication and counseling and spelling out their needs, well, they make the deliberate choice, after much consideration, to file for separation and/or divorce. Cheating is not for mature adults, it's basically for selfish children masquerading as adults. Rather than face their problems head on, rather than express their needs clearly or request counseling, they choose to enter the fantasy of an affair.

Affairs are fun. There is an air of the unreal about them. In an affair, you aren't preoccupied by the boring stuff of real life. In Affair World, there is no money, there are no in-laws, there are no dirty dishes or plumbing problems or empty milk cartons that someone stupidly put back in the fridge.

What is interesting is that she and you and her whole family are religious. So conducting an affair seems to be a way for her to also say 'up yours' to all of them. Maybe a sort of rebellion--did she in any way feel very restricted by her old life?

Anyhow, you can drive yourself crazy trying to peer inside her muddled head. It isn't going to get you anywhere.


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> What is interesting is that she and you and her whole family are religious. So conducting an affair seems to be a way for her to also say 'up yours' to all of them. Maybe a sort of rebellion--did she in any way feel very restricted by her old life?
> 
> Anyhow, you can drive yourself crazy trying to peer inside her muddled head. It isn't going to get you anywhere.


Yeah you told me she always did what her family wanted her to do. From who she dated to everything. She definitely felt constricted by them. She told her sister the same thing on Facebook one day. Wow man you hit it. She is also used to getting her own way. She is probably the most controlling person I have ever met. As far as and STD, I really haven't even had sex in almost 4 years so I guess I could go get tested but I can't imagine I would have anything but who knows? I will schedule and appointment this week. At times I feel like I'm going crazy. Yeah she has made all the problems of our marriage out to seem like its my fault. For awhile a took all the blame upon myself. I was wracking my brain going over all everything she said I did wrong and I owned up to it to her as well. At times the anger in me wants to come roaring out and I just know if I hit her in the face as hard as I can I will feel better. I would never do this as thats not who I am. I have never laid a hand on her. Like Friday. I get my sons things from her and she says, "Have a nice weekend". Really? She is standing there in a t-shirt that has a certain character on it I don't want to say. Well the secret e-mail she set up is the name of that same character. So she is right in my face with this. I do thank you guys and girls for your posts. Too bad I'm not alone in this since I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I do thank you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are by no means alone.
Stop looking at the crap you see her do as a slap in the face, but a poor weak girl that is about to get hit by the karma bus.

You should pity her and ask God to take care of her b/c she is on a path with broken relationship after broken relationship. If she is lucky she will get the help that she needs thru IC. IF she is not going to seek help she will die alone in a trailer full of cat and cat boo.

Really man, suck it up brother, Don't let your WW define who you want to be. The best revenge you can have is having a positive additude, that shows your WW that you can move on with out her and it is her that chooose to be an adultor, and you are rightous and can move on, let her go, and smile knowing you are way better.

All this crap should mean nothing to you...she is someone elses problem now.

You will get thru this. Start now by having the positive additude and smile....smile right in her face and when she ask why you are smiling tell her your happy and walk away.Once she sees you with this "I'm letting you go" and "I'm confident enough to fins someone better" she will start to think twice.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

next time she is in your face with her s**t just say " D*e Bycth". You don't even have to mean it, but it would make me feel so damn much better.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you need to move back into your house, if you're paying rent.

make this affair as inconvenient for her as possible.

why haven't you exposed her yet? what are you waiting for... no one is gonna come to your rescue, son. you need to get your balls back an go nuclear on her ass.

EXPOSE, ALREADY! and i mean, EVERYBODY. 

i bet she won't be wearin' that tee and telling you to have a "nice" weekend once you do this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your comment about the beach house just jogged my memeory about the time when my fWW was still sleeping around, she too want to by a down town high rise condo to lease out.

Its like some crazy fog they are in....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If she has sexually rejected you for 4 years that pretty much means that she has no desire to ever again be intimate with you and that in and of itself is a very serious indication that she has emotionally detached from you and this affair of hers is of the exit type. You also must start emotionally detaching from her for your own well being. That is best achieved by implementing *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*. It is not easy but with practice, you'll eventually find that you will start seeing things in a much different light and you will no longer be in limbo.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Pick an attorney you an afford. File for divorce.

Mori is right. This has gone on for a while and she is so over you.

you need to detach.

You neec to find someone that you can love and will love you.

Just Do It! You and your kid will be in a better place in the near future.

And tell your Wayward Wife the next time she says have a good weekend "Go Fu*k Yourself!" then have served preferably on her bday or your anniversary.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ForeverIS said:


> I have been out of the house since March 3. One shining bright spot is I have been paying large amounts on the one credit card I have since I told her I was done paying on the house. Also if I move back in there is no way I can pay the bills there. I know she is really struggling as she said so to her mom. I did talk to a lawyer about some of this. Her mom actually paid for me to go! He said yeah stop paying any house bills and don't fight her to keep in a marriage as its over. Harsh but I guess he's right. I thought about filing but I am scared her family wont understand. I am also scared she will throw that in our son's face. He is 11 and he knows this is her decision not mine. He knows I love her very much and have told him so. I should mention too we are both religious I know that shouldn't have anything to do with it.


What religion? Your wife cannot be forgiven her adultery unless she stops committing adultery and she repents to all involved, including you. Has this been discussed with her by anyone. Has her pastor/priest been informed of what she is doing? Save they copunseled her?

Have your read "no More Mister Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life" ( not a sex manual)?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you live in a state that is a fault or no fault divorce law. Since she is religous, you should tell her you will file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. This may get her to thinking.

No-Fault or Fault Divorce
Some U.S. states offer both a no-fault and a fault divorce option. Couples who do not want to observe the waiting period requirement are allowed to file for fault divorce. Some common grounds for fault include cruelty, adultery, desertion, confinement in prison or a similar institution, and inability to perform sexual intercourse, if this was not disclosed prior to the marriage. States that offer both no-fault and fault divorce include:
Alabama
Alaska
Connecticut
Delaware
Georgia
Idaho
Illinois
Maine
Massachusetts
Mississippi
New Hampshire
New Mexico
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
West Virginia

Pro Bono Attorneys 


Read more: Which States Have No Fault Divorce? | LIVESTRONG.COM


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to fire up an attorney and file, and as part of this filing demand 100% custody, her financial support for you and your son to live in the house, and spousal support. Ask for everything, even if you have to negotiate some way, but ask for it.

Next, include a clause which prevents her from introducing male friends around your son.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Do you live in a state that is a fault or no fault divorce law. Since she is religous, you should tell her you will file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. This may get her to thinking.


With other situations, getting her to think might stop an affair, but this woman was caught just finishing a sex session in the marital bed. I don't think she's worried at all about exposure or being an adulteress. she seems to wear it proudly in fact.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> With other situations, getting her to think might stop an affair, but this woman was caught just finishing a sex session in the marital bed. I don't think she's worried at all about exposure or being an adulteress. she seems to wear it proudly in fact.


She throws it in his face for revenge. For whatever reason we haven't been told. At this point I'm just guessing she would be appalled at being outed to everyone she knows as an adulterer if she is/was religious.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> She throws it in his face for revenge. For whatever reason we haven't been told. At this point I'm just guessing she would be appalled at being outed to everyone she knows as an adulterer if she is/was religious.


It's worth a try. Perhaps he could post her to cheaterville.com?


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