# Should separation or divorce be the answer for me?



## unhappyEB (Jan 24, 2012)

I have been contemplating doing something for the longest time. I am not happy in my marriage. I have been married to my wife since 1998 and have 2 daughters 10/11. At first I thought the marriage might've been rushed ( by me ) because she was pregnant with our first daughter. I knew there was no way I wanted to have my daughter grow up in a single parent household. ( which we both came from ). So we did it and got married. We were together for about 2 years before that. We met in college and she made me laugh was sincere, cute in her looks and actions...which made me smile and we spent a lot of time together. I guess things started to change with her a few years after my daughter was born since becoming a mom. ( she was 23 I was 25 ). There's a certain attitude she has that quite frankly I don't like to deal with. She says that is who she is. This was not the person I fell in love with. We started to stray away or just not spend so much time together. We would only discuss, do house stuff/kid stuff. No real quality time was spent or romantic dates etc.. So we drifted emotionally. I'd say in early part of 2006 her brother was getting married and one of the groomsmen happened to be her ex boyfriend which she dated and left for me in college. Everyone is married at this point and has children. So needless to say something rekindled and an affair began until I discovered it via emails. I confronted her that night and stated this is over I want a divorce. She broke down crying hysterically and didn't want a divorce. At this point we have 2 daughters. One of my promises to myself and God was that I did not and was not going to have my children grow up without me. We went to church counseling she saw a therapist as well and things kind of became maneagable. Mind you I've never gotten over it, or forgiven her and still not a day goes by that it's not in my head somewhere. I feel no escape from these feelings and I'm not happy inside, I'm not estatic to come home to her. I don't initiate...well rarely. We are good or even great friends as she knows me inside and out, but that feeling you get when you see or think of someone you love....well it's not there for me. I don't think I'm selfish because I would've left a long time ago but then again why haven't I left if I'm not truly happy. Maybe separation can shed some light...I just don't know.We've both been working very hard to provide a home for the girls and she's even about to finish college ( finally  any advice or thoughts? PS: I don't think she was honest with me about her relationship with her ex boyfriend as she made it seem. I feel at times I was somehow frauded in respect to this. My pride and ego doesn't help much either.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Sounds to me like your heart is telling you to go but the "do the right thing" voice keeps you hanging on. You must struggle with that every day. 

Personally I doubt you'll have peace again until you either cut ties or find a way to trust your wife again. I don't think her infidelity is necessarily a deal breaker but if it were me, she'd have to step up in a big way to get me to trust her again.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Man, this is hard.

I am a dad of three and who knows how I would handle something like this.

Couple things that did catch my attention in your post. One you do not approve of her attitude. Can you define this? The second is how she started to break down when you confronted her and asked for a divorce. Did you ask her if she was crying when she was with the old boyfriend?

Maybe a seperation is in order. Is she willing to leave the family home for a period so she can get help with her attitude and reflect on the damage she has done to the marriage? If she wants to make it work and get help she will talk a walk for awhile.


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## unhappyEB (Jan 24, 2012)

Thanks Acorn,
With regards to the infedility after the counseling meetings, I understood I indeed had part in that.It clearly was both of us not creating something at home and eventually someone would've strayed.( both of us were emotionally weak ). The part that still gets me...going on 6 years later is that though. I feel I can't get close anymore because it's not the same. I can't go around hand in hand, luvy duvy like she's all mine when in reality ( in my head ) this wasn't true. Like I'm pretending/acting. She wasn't all mine and someone else was enjoying what I was enjoying. Despite all....for months now I've been having this nagging feeling like this is it... I need to be happy. - thanks


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

unhappyEB…infidelity in my view is something I wouldn’t be able to get over…the result would have to be a separation for me personally…to clear my head…to allow myself time to get healthy, mentally and physically…

You have kids, it’s tough…but here’s the research as I see it regarding kids and divorce…kids are resilient, they will survive…what will harm kids is how mom and dad co-parent…so make your kids first, set boundaries to protect your kids (mainly from GF’s and BF’s)…If you want some advice on how to talk to your kids, let me know and I’ll reply…

How long has this affair been known…since 2006? Has there been any counseling?

If it’s been almost 6 years and you still have these feelings, I’d say you already know the answer…just don’t prolong the inevitable…be a man about it and be a good ender…get a lawyer and protect yourself...


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## unhappyEB (Jan 24, 2012)

Gonefishin,
Her attitude is fiesty, she's never wrong and really can just go off in an instant. Example: I can rush home from work for dinner so we're all eating together and one of the girls may forget to have a paper signed and..oh here we go. It get's into yelling and just ruins the moment. A lot of the issues can be solved without the yelling or attitude..or just nipped in the bud but sometimes it progresses into 10 minutes of yelling. It doesn't help that my oldest is showing signs of her mom's attitude. 
During the initial confrontation she genuinely cried and in retrospect I see that she just wanted out of that affair but didn't know how to do it. Right before I found out, she was reading a book on the 5 languages of love to better understand and communicate in our marriage. Do I think she geniunely loves this ex?...No. Did she ever? possibly. Do I think she valued his opinion,respected him and trusted him..Yes.( he is 6-7 yrs older than her ) Although she claims that I was her first, I truly believe ( maybe just plain ol' naive ) that I wasn't despite what's she's told me. That's why I feel there was more to the story than I was lead to believe. Had I known differently I would've not allowed both our families to spend time together. I was trying to be the better man since at that time he was my brother in laws best friend. Will she ever cheat again...My feelings say possibly. Does she want to go thru what we went thru again?...No.

If anyone were to leave the house it would be me as she's more involved with the girls and activities since they're on the same schedule. I would try and minimize as much disruptions as possible.


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