# Can third time be the charm???



## beachluver (May 1, 2013)

It's such a long story, so will attemp to make it short. 

After two seperations and 21 years of marriage, we got divorced. Mostly because of his drinking. He comes from a long line of drinkers, when he grew up it was normal to go for a beer the way I would go for a glass of ice tea, it practically defined manhood. During the first 10 years, he went to the bar 5 or 6 nights a week. At the end he never went to a bar, drank once or twice a week but being older didn't tolerate it well and sometimes got very verbally abusive to me and my girls (16 and 19 now) when he did. Finall decided I couldn't set that example for the kids and got a divorce. Prior to this we had been seperated twice and there were two short DUI jail terms for him. 

Fast forward, it's a year since the very amicable divorce. Drinking doesn't seem to be an issue anymore, his father passed away and he fell 24 feet off a roof a few weeks ago. He finally seems to be getting it (maybe he bumped his head hard enough in the fall??). Basically, I love him to death but am tired of the roller coaster and need to figure out if we are in or out before my youngest graduates in two years so if we are out I can move out of the school district where I can't see him even if I want to. If we are in, we need to get our lives together, get working on retirement, start enjoying our daily life before we are too old or ill to do so. So, next month I am moving home, part because things are so great, part financial, part because it will be better for my 16 y/o and part so if it is not working we can come up w/a new plan for next school year. 

My family will be upset, so am just not telling them, they will figure it out soon enough. My girls love us both, they are on board but don't want things to go back the way they were, which is not an option, won't let that happen. Ex-DH and I are doing well, having all the right talks, both focused on being happy and making a secure life. He called me last night to tell me I was his best friend and he isn't going let this "not work" this time. 

Is he perfect, no. Am I perfect, no. In some ways, I created my own monster by not saying anything the first 10 years about the drinking and teaching him how to treat me and the girls, although I don't take all or even most of the blame. In short, now at the point where I have to decide if accepting imperfections is the same as settling. I don't want to settle but I also don't want to lose the love of my life because he isn't everthing I can dream of all the time. 80 - 90% of the time he makes every day a joy and makes me very happy. Occassionally when he is overwhelmed, over tired, or frustrated, glimpses of old habits start to creep in but these days he usually catches himself before it gets out of hand and turns it around. 

So crazy or not, I just have this feeling that now is the time to try again. I also know this is the last chance we will get, if we can't make it work, we will have to physically seperate ourselves so we can't see each other and get on with trying to be happy apart. I know I love him, I know he loves me, I know we are stronger in most ways together than apart. I also know if I don't try this last time I will always wonder what if I did and if it doesn't work I will have to move on or I will never fully commit and always wonder what it would have been like if I finally moved on. So here we go again, for the third and final time one way or another. Hope it isn't a mistake but I guess there's no guarantee either way and for right now we need to do what makes us happy and hope for the best, or something like that. 

I appreciate all the posts here, make me think and consider different vantage points and realize maybe we are not as alone or as crazy as we sometimes think we are, or for that matter, as everyone else thinks we are. Does it all sound as crazy as I think, or should we give it one last shot? :scratchhead:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It sounds crazy on the outside; but you are the one on the inside of your head and heart to know if you want to chance it again. I am in a relationship that's crazy, but we're also crazy in love so we're making it work (in R now). Making it work when you thought it was broken (on again/off again) is rewarding, but difficult. 

Sounds as though you aren't walking in with rose colored glasses. Maybe try a "trial" re-joining of households, with clearly established boundaries/expectations for BOTH of you in what's permissible and what's not. 

I wish you luck and will pray for you.


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