# Anyway to get her back, or ?



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

My situation, I have four daughters ranging from 20 to 7. My wife and I had a terrible fight a few months ago. She said all the love for me has gone from her, she got it back a few times but I was stupid and squashed it by my same old routine.

I'm pretty much a strait guy, no drinking, no smoking, no cheating. 24 years of marriage.

The reasons are hurt, she has hurt from way back and even now. She keeps reliving the hurt. It is not physical abuse, it is verbal in that I would poo-poo her ideas, or just not comment on her feelings, she says I never let her have feelings. I also can't share my feelings or share my life as she wanted.

I keep sticking my foot in my mouth, saying all the wrong things.

She seems determined to big D me. But not now, financially she can't leave the house. She is going to school and working a full time job.

She says move on, she says, what can I say to get you to know it is over. What do you need me to do to let you know it is over.

I keep hanging on by the littlest thread.

You ladies, is there any chance she will come back?

Should I do as she says, move on?

I'm trying to fix myself, self perspective, exercise, talking to friends.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

If she has told you over & over repeatedly then Id move on and start trying to focus on myself.... If you know she plans to toss u after she finishes school & can afford to thats unfair to exspect u to continue being around in the meantime if your not wanted .... but make sure 100% that you are sure of her wants intentions ....

try & offer counceling ..ask her in detail what she needs from you thats diffrent ... if thats not an option take yourself out of the scenerio but take care of your kids always regardless


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

It's a good thing you are becoming self aware and noticing you tend to repeat the same bad behaviour patterns. Congratulations there is hope for you. Unfortunately you can't control other people's behaviour, attitudes or free will. The only thing you can change is YOURSELF. Work on that. If she likes the changes then she may say "hey I like this. We have something still to work on. " If not, your bettering yourself for the rest or your life, your work and friendships and the next lady to be in your life. Remember the most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. Good Luck. Hopefully you've taken the first few steps that will start you on a journey that will change the rest of your life.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Thanks ladies

Unfortunately for me, the situation has gotten to where she wants to date. I always thought there was somebody hanging around. We live in kind of a strange house, it use to be a duplex so she wants to move to the upstairs with the oldest daughters and start dating.

I don't want to leave her out in the cold. She talks about a shelter and other really depressing scenarios where she would live because of the lack of funds.

She gave me a hug today, no physical contact for a really long time. It was bitter sweet, I didn't really feel anything like love or excited or any of what I usually feel. I think I'm still in love with the original girl and she is someone different now. She looks the same but her eyes tell all. They have a darkness to them not the spark she use to have. There use to be this brightness when she looked at me. Its just not there.

For me, maybe I am gradually loosing the feeling, but still holding to the marriage and family as a whole unit. It is going to be destroyed here real quick.

I'm sorry to say, I cried all day and have not been able to sleep until I'm exhausted. Then I only sleep a few hours and I wake up with the same feeling.

Help me ladies, what can I do to ease this pain?


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Being in the same house with her while she's dating, ouch. Can you move out? Get some distance? Stay with some friends, etc.. I would also seek out a psychologist or a grief councellor. It might help you to talk to a professional. There are also several good books you can read to get you through this tough time. I think there is a thread in this discussion forum about which books are good. I just hope she's not dating to make you jealous or see what you are missing. It's hard to separate the person we once loved and how they change and become someone you don't recognize as being your once special partner. Been there, got the t-shirt. This is a process, this will take time to get through, digest and move on with your life. Take care of yourself. If you don't nobody else will. :smthumbup:


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

I actually called my mother-in-law to talk about this. She was very understanding and a great help to just listen to me. I have the girls to keep me going but it is sooo incredibly hard. I would move but I can't leave my girls. My now seperated wife is going to live in a separate part of the house with the older three girls. I will have the little one with me in the lower level.

I feel so desperate right now, don't know if to cry or slit my wrists or go drinking (I don't even drink). Because my mother-in-law got left by her husband for a younger woman, she has a lot of expierence with this. She said it tore her up for about six months, but one day she woke up and she was ok. I'm waiting for ok feeling which comes and goes.

I think I just need someone to talk to. All of my friends are gone for memorial weekend.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

It's GOOD to talk, vent, scream, cry whatever it takes. I personally find it seems to be harder for men to unload and talk then women. Of the 13 or so people in my therapy group only maybe 3-4 guys. It's interesting I find to hear them speak about their own situation as it gives me as a person and a woman understanding as to how they handle distressing situations in their lives. Please, find a professional to talk to. Could you get a referral to your family doctor? Think about it. It would really help you. I know therapy has done wonders for me.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Here is the other part of my post.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/5745-hurts-sooooo-bad-right-now.html

I am going to start seeing a counselor at MSU. 

I need help with my PAPD.

The appointment is actually this week.

Thank you nurse for your concern and everyone else who is trying to help me. 

Big Hug to you

Through all the stress I've lost about 4 inches off of my waist in the past few months.

I haven't been able to wear some of my skinny pants in over two years.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Hang in there, dude. I know it hurts...day by day...one breath at a time. It'll never go away, but it will ease, slowly.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

GOOD FOR YOU!! I promise you when you start therapy it's only the start of a healthy, productive process which will give you a good footing for a great relationship and understanding first of yourself then with others. You won't regret it! Lots of hugs and best of luck to you. YOU deserve a happy future regardless of whoever is in it to share it with you. :smthumbup:


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

you need to move out!!!!!! seeing her happy with another guy is gonna kill you. Here's some famous last words "Getting good and drunk never hurt nobody"


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

lost soul, that is what I feel like.

I need to, but I have to think about the two younger children.

12 and 7 they need me to be there for them.

I'm better at being a father than anything else in my whole life.

If this is the cross I must bear so be it.

I can't just abandon them, no matter what. My wife left me so I can't abandon my values or any truths. Which means I can't abandon her, no matter what she says or the way she treats me.

They must see that I'm not going to change in anyway towards them no matter what.

Even if it does mean I have to see her with another man.

Remember, I brought this upon myself. I came to this party with no tools on how to build a life with a woman.

So be it.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

I have read just about all the "Get Your Ex Back"

It comes down to gimmicks, they seem like gimmicks to me. 

The beginning advice is great, don't kamikaze, don't cause problems, just agree to everything.

These things work great, but they really won't get your ex back. 

The problem really is you, you have to fix yourself first.

As I have found out.

No simple solutions on how to get your ex back if they have checked out.

Mentally checked out and emotionally checked out. Everybody remembers this feeling, you were interested in somebody else, while the person you let go is still lingering around. Do you remember the feeling. You just couldn't get rid of them fast enough.

That's me, she can't get rid of me fast enough.

I'm still lingering around because of the kids and money.

No way back either, so I'm gonna work on myself only. Maybe I'll find someone maybe I won't. But the key is always working on myself.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

You sound like a very good man. You will get through this and it will get easier. I'm glad you are going to talk to someone they will be able to look at the situation for what it is and help you get through it. Stay true to who you are and be there for your daughters. This too shall pass... promise


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She already has someone in mind or has already been dating. She's jerking you around because she doesn't care enough to be truthful. It's worth it to her to rub it in your nose and keep you hostage to her "journey."


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Up until now, I have no reason to believe she is seeing anyone. She is an honorable woman and she would not lie. Has not lied in the past 24 years to me ever.

Just because she is not in love with me any more, does not mean she has all of a sudden gone against her nature.

She is a good woman, any man would count themselves lucky to have her attention.

We are over, I've realized over the past few months. There is no going back.

I have to go forward and I can't work on her, I can't make her have an interest in me.

I can only work on myself. Love myself

How To Love Yourself In 17 Ways | Attraction Mind Map

She is emotionally gone, it is like having a stranger in your house.

It has been a long time since I've just concentrated on myself.

I'm gonna make it, I'm am going to be ok, so are the kids.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Nice to hear you are moving forward. It's going to be tough somedays, I KNOW but you'll be okay. I'm proud of you. Sounds like your on the road to self discovery, learning from past mistakes, and ready for a new you!! Your kids will be a great sense of comfort for you and happiness. Sounds like you have all your ducks in a row. Your future happiness depends on you and only you. KUDOS!!! :smthumbup:


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Is there anybody out there who did re-unite with their ex, tell me your circumstances please.

I need something today.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I wanted to. So did she at one point. We wanted to reconcile for the kids, and to recover what we had - a decade ago.

It wasn't going to work. It didn't work. Neither of us doubts that we can find happiness apart. What was far less certain was if we could find it together.

Issues are never as cut and dry as they appear, and if they have built up over years, it can take years to undo them. 

When it comes down to it, we both know what we _missed_ about our marriage. But the reality was, that we didn't have what we wanted in our marriage for many years.

I know very well how rough it can be, and will be. Keep going.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If she wants to date, then let her figure out where she wants to move. The dating before a divorce=disaster. Nothing good comes of it including herself. I would take a tough love stance. Let her know what your boundaries are and tell her to move on, if she wants to date. 

She won't come back to you if she's dating.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Thank you for responding, I think she is emotionally gone now.

We have to divorce, it gets more painful everyday she is in the house, sort of a lingering ghost who I can't exercise.

Painful seems the only way.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

She cannot bring dates to the house!! 

Besides the obvious pain you'll suffer, the kids will learn that it's alright to do this; but they will also see your pain and know that their mother is the cause of it. They may grow to hate her for that. 

Any dates will have to be elsewhere. And I would suggest that she not stay overnight! Again, what the kids will learn from that. 

You might want to talk to a lawyer. If she dates while still married (I would think it would be considered cheating, adultery), it might, uh, improve your grounds for divorce...in your favor.


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## jenn0029 (Sep 24, 2009)

My husband declared that he wanted the same situation as your wife. Because of our finances, he wanted the kids and I to live in the same house (He wanted to live in our in-law suite to which we rented out). He wanted to move on. Said "that he needed to find himself". He had shut me out emotionally and physically for so long now. I took the kids and left. 

He had an affair over the summer and is begging for me back. Says that he realized what he lost. 
But at what cost? I am now across the country trying to upgrade my edu, etc. I figure that I will find myself now and just concentrate on the kids as they need atleast one parent to be strong.

She maybe trying this, depends on your marriage history and stress level. If she truly loves you, she will come back. Then you will be faced up with some hard decisions. Whether she does or doesn't, you need to happy with yourself and those kids.

They are going to need some stability in their life after seeing "mom" with new BFs. AND for their sake, keep your emations behind closed doors! They can react in all the wrong ways that may affect their education, social lives, future BFs - Gfs. Some teenagers even try to recreate a new family to make up losing their present one.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Dear jenn0029

She is gone, she filed for divorce, it will be final in December.

I lost my emotional connection to her. 

It just sort of happened one day.

She has a new man, 

New life.

I had 24 years, it is more than most and less than others.

We were just not compatible.

I want her to be happy

She gave me four(4) beautiful children.

She's a great MOM

She will always be a great MOM

Thank You for your words


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## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

I feel like I understand your wife. I am still with my husband but I dont think it is going to be for much longer. I too am sick and tired of having my thoughts and ideas shot down in flames as stupid. I have said so many times how this makes me feel but nothing changes. All the promises that it will be different, the promises just go in one ear and out the other now. You know if you picture love as a big rock, you know the kind of love and lust we all feel for our partner right at the beginning, well every time a nasty thing is said or our feelings get hurt or there is an argument its like you take a chisel and you chip some of the rock away, well over time if you just keep chipping away the one day the rock is no longer there, there is nothing to fight for, nothing to hope for and nothing to dream for anymore. What there was is gone and its gone for good, sometimes you just have to accept that its over, there is nothing there anymore and move on. I think you should either, get out of the house and move, or if you are going to stay then make a new life for yourself, if you wife is dating then it is over and its time maybe you started dating to


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## roxiehart (Aug 30, 2008)

wow this sounds like what I am going through right now. My husband served me divorce papers on july 4th and we are still living in the same house, I don't want the divorce but he has moved on and just recently told me we are done. So now I just get to sit back and watch him date and be happy. We have four kids together 16 to 6 but that doesn't seem to matter. I can't go anywhere I need to be here for the kids. Like last night he took our two boys and his mom and GF to an angel came, then tomorrow he is going on a cancer walk with her so yah having him in the house and being happy really sucks. We have only been married 9 years would be 10 this november. You just take it one day at a time and concentrate on the kids, its going to hurt but there is nothing we can do to change their minds. I am so sorry you are also going through this.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

I'm sorry, I should backup

The follow up to my story is in the link titled:

"It hurts sooooo bad right now" in the Ladies forum

talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/5745-hurts-sooooo-bad-right-now.html

She moved out about two months ago to an apartment just down the street.

I am spending lots of time with the kids, I'm good

I'm emotionally detached

I actually met him yesterday, no feelings at all about it.

He's not me, 

He's actually completely different than me, low achiever, not as smart as me, seems kind of dull, not athletic, he's white, he's shorter than me.

In itself, nothing wrong these characteristics, but they are all contrary to what my X said she was attracted to.

She always wanted someone dark, handsome, smart, athletic, and able to protect her. 

The intelligent thing, I know she will miss that about me.

The only thing she has said positive about her new man is, "I can talk to him", maybe that's enough, or maybe he just has nothing to say.

Either way, it is over, no where to go from here except out.

Thanks for caring people !!


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