# He likes it when he can go to bed without me?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H was talking the other day about when I fell asleep on the sofa the night before. We've been having a bit of a situation whereby he's going to bed later and later and although our frequency has been very good, it is getting to a point where I have been waiting up for him so we can go to bed together and have some time. If I don't then we don't have any time for intimacy, or he wakes me up, which I have been OK with but am getting progressively more tired as this seems to happen very often.

He said that when I fall asleep on the sofa, he finishes up whatever he is doing, and just goes straight to bed. He says he doesn't bother trying to wake me because that way he can just go to sleep: the "temptation" isn't there and he knows if it is he can't say no and he'll be awake into the night even later. The irony is he knows I've been waiting up for him...

He knew immediately what I'd think from that as he said before I asked, it had nothing to do with him not finding me attractive anymore, he does as much as ever, and we'd all ready been intimate four times this last week so it's not like it's only once a month. He says when we go to bed together every night, then it's getting to where you *know* you're going to do it and it's like you expect it.

I'm confused: he initiates very frequently anyway, I always thought from his actions he was happy with nearly every day, and I know that when we don't have sex, he's pleasing himself anyway. Last night I went to bed early and hardly saw him that day, when he came to bed he couldn't leave me alone! Could it be that I am just *too*, well available? I honestly never thought that would be a problem but I have pondered over whether he would like me to be a bit more of a challenge, less available, maybe every night is too predictable? But when I *do* try to initiate in different situations he fobs me off, he's the one who wants it at bedtime, I'd be happy to spice it up!

I did mention before that with his recent EA I am worried that any drop might send his attentions more outwards... I don't think he'd go elsewhere but of course now it worries me. How can I be less available and more of a challenge years into our marriage?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

If your husband has been having EA's it seems as though the challenge is part of the fun for him...

Try being more aloof and see what happens.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> He said that when I fall asleep on the sofa, he finishes up whatever he is doing, and just goes straight to bed.
> 
> I did mention before that with his recent EA I am worried that any drop might send his attentions more outwards... I don't think he'd go elsewhere but of course now it worries me. How can I be less available and more of a challenge years into our marriage?


Well, for starters, I'd bet good money that "whatever he is doing" involves being on a computer. I think that if you do a little digging, and see where he has been surfing on the computer, and who he has been talking to, that being less available and more of a challenge will come naturally, because you'll be extremely pissed off at him.

In case you were wondering, EA's are a form of cheating. It's up to you whether or not you tolerate your spouse having an EA, but it is not going to make you feel good about yourself, no matter how you spin it in your head. HE had an EA and YOU are worried he might look outwards? Your self esteem is already trashed, and tolerating this kind of behavior from him is going to make you feel worse, not better.

Relationships involve setting boundaries. A pretty normal boundary to set in a marriage is "don't have sex with someone else." With modern communications technology, it is now possible to have an EA- to bond deeply and emotionally with someone besides your spouse. Then, your partner is getting their emotional needs met by someone other than you.

But getting back to your question-

I don't have a good answer for you on how to make yourself more of a challenge. You say he already takes care of himself if you don't. Giving him sex whenever he wants it, including in the middle of the night, is definitely not challenging behavior. It's almost as if he is emotionally invested in somebody else, and only using you for physical sex. 

If I were you, I would do a little digging and find out what is so gosh darn important that he has to do it when you're not around.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I know he's not in touch with the OW and am as sure as I can be that he's not up to anything else. We have total transparency, I have access to everything of his, and I am the more adept at computery stuff so it's easy to keep track of what he's been doing. I don't believe that is the root of it but as they say here, trust but verify.

My take was that I'm too available, and possibly have more of a drive at the moment, a compensatory increase to keep us bonded. Not conscious but I stepped back and realized that could be a part of it.

I also suspect the challenge was *not* the case with the OW, she offered it up on a plate and he refused!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

If you "suspect the challenge was NOT the case with the OW," then I have to think that you haven't dug enough. In your shoes, I would want to understand as exactly as I could what the cause of the attraction was.

There are 3 factors working here.

1) What did the OW do to attract your spouse?
2) What (within himself) caused your spouse to be attracted to the OW, and lose attraction to you?
3) What did you do to decrease your spouse's attraction to you?

Before anybody jumps on me and dogs me about point # 3 and says you did nothing wrong here, let me add this-

#3 can be zero. You could be the exact same person he fell in love with, and not actually have done anything to contribute to the situation (other than not paying attention?).

It could be a character flaw in your spouse, that will manifest again over the years. It could be that there was just a freak one-in-a-million connection at exactly the wrong time between him and the OW.

But in order to understand, you need to KNOW.

In my opinion, waking your partner up in the middle of the night for nookie once in awhile is acceptable. The problem is, you may be hot and horny, but it doesn't mean THEY are, right then. Doing it with any kind of frequency, to me, demonstrates a lack of respect for your partner. If it's important to you, then take the time to make sure its important to your spouse!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

NotLikeYou, I appreciate your advice, but I'm not actually looking for insight into my H's EA. Rather the problem I outlined.

Angel, I agree about the going to bed together being important. He has said that he doesn't mind me just sleeping there if I do fall asleep,whilst he's watching TV or whatever, he thinks it's cute. He said he just likes me being there with him:scratchhead:

I just have no idea where I am with him sometimes. He sees everything as so simple and I get all twisted up in knots.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

EA is not a form of cheating.

EA IS CHEATING!

Forget about trying to figure him out....all that is irrelevent...he has and is cheating on you so treat it as such and think about the possability of ending the marriage. He has already broken your marraige vows, so act accordingly.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> The irony is he knows I've been waiting up for him...


He may very well know, but if I were you Id let him know again and again and again.


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