# Wife of 13 years (together 17) wanted out after discovering she is texting another ma



## garyisfar112166

I was under the impression we had the perfect marriage. 

We were told numerous times by friends they draw their strength from their marriage from ours.

In early January my wife started acting weird and couldn't figure out want it was until out of the blue I was told she doesn't love me that much anymore. 

This was after a confrontation with her as she showed up to a family dinner semi drunk (she never drinks and I have never seen her drunk). 

That night is when my hell started. I was treated like I was nobody for a long period of time and was told that she didn't feel happy in our marriage for a long time but she felt too bad to tell me that because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. What BS.

I feel she should have spoken to me as we had a great marriage or at least that's what I thought. 

Turns out that the day she got drunk was at an apartment her school is renting for teachers where she and her boss went to sign the contract and out of courtesy her boss took a bottle of wine. 

My nightmare started from that day on. I later found out that she and this landlord texted each other regularly. I found out because my wife was signed in on my computer so I could see her history.

I came across how to delete WhatsApp messages. About 7 searches with different headings to make sure these messages could not be retreives.

After confronting her about this she admitted to have fallen in love with this guy but moving ever happened and that it was my fault cause she was vulrenable.

I was so confused because my wife and I never ever had a discussion about how she felt in our marriage. Never. 

Almost four months later and still fighting for our marriage things are better but how do I build that trust again?

We have two daughters and she almost gave up on this marriage. It's hard dealing with this as I haven't spoken to anyone as I want to protect her from humiliation. 

Family and friends will be shocked to hear this. It's been hard.


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## BioFury

Don't "protect her from humiliation", you're shooting yourself in the foot. All of her immediate family should know what happened. Affairs are like good ole fashion plots - they take root in the dark where no one can see them. If you shine a bright light on them in their developmental stages, they will wither. But if allowed to mature in the shadows, they will eventually spring forth with enough strength to withstand the sunlight.

In addition to telling her parents, I would secure a VAR (voice activated recorder) under the seat of her car, as well as a GPS. Keep an eye on them, see if anything turns up. You should also purchase and read two books: "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Married Man Sex Life Primer".

What kind of physical shape are you in? What about your wife?


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## sunsetmist

You sure this is only an EA? No matter her infidelity is not your fault, but was her choice. I'd inform everyone--especially OM's SO. Also let the principal know about the landlord. Also read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy.' 

Has she shown any remorse? That is necessary for reconciliation. Just how does she blame-shift to you making her vulnerable? What did she need? What did she ask for? Stand up for yourself man! Trust will be a long time coming--there is lots to be done before that!


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## farsidejunky

What is she doing to prove she is worth keeping, beyond your history (translation: sunk cost fallacy)?

Get tested for STD's. If this was "only" an EA, I'll eat my shorts. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

She is doing what they all do rewriting the marriage to justify her affair. 

Quit protecting her from her actions. That's not your job. 

I would also not assume you have the full truth, people who have affairs lie and they are good at it. 

For instance I suspect she was drunk that night because she was feeling guilty, which also leads me to suspect this was more then a texting affair.

You need to detach and decide if this is the type of person you really want to spend the rest of your life with. There are more important things in life then marriage. Especially a bad one with a dishonest phony. Seriously trying to join your life to a liar like your wife in the end will ruin your life. 

I would DNA test your kids and not hide it from her.

It's just a fact passive people are abused and taken advantage of.


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## garyisfar112166

I was accused of never trusting her and being over protective of her. I always trusted her but she has a very soft and kind personality. I always wanted to protect her against wolves out there as she is very gullible. When she mentioned that I never argued that it wasn't true. She has always been my everything. I never had bad intentions. I just looked out for my wife.


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## garyisfar112166

I'm in bad shape. Need to ask to be loved. She is trying also to make this work after she told me how she felt in our marriage.


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## Marc878

garyisfar112166 said:


> I was accused of
> never trusting her and being over protective of her. I always trusted her but she has a very soft and kind personality. I always wanted to protect her against wolves out there as she is very gullible. When she mentioned that I never argued that it wasn't true. She has always been my everything. I never had bad intentions. I just looked out for my wife.


You are getting the very typical marital rewrite to justify your cheating wifes actions.

And like a typical betrayed spouse you are swallowing her bull**** hook, line and sinker.

Cheaters lie a lot. That's all you're getting. 

You really need to wake up and quit being so pathetic. This is getting you nothing.


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## sokillme

garyisfar112166 said:


> I'm in bad shape. Need to ask to be loved.


This is your problem. You shouldn't need anything from her. As long as you do she will always hold the power over you and you will never be in the position to really get the relationship that everyone deserves. 

This "needing" should really be your focus. 

YOU VERY MUCH NEED TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE WAY OF THINKING. 

Listen to me. Marriage is about giving yourself to someone for them, not about what YOU need. It should be given as a gift with requirements from your partner. You shouldn't need absolutely anything. It's Ok to want affection, love so forth everyone does. But not need, nope. If you feel this way you will always be in a position to protect yourself and not allow yourself to be abused. And infidelity is abuse make no mistake. It ultimately takes away a person's agency in their own life, because while it's going on you have no idea it's happening. 

You have to build yourself up and empower yourself enough so that you know losing your wife will not destroy you, or rather you don't fear that. So that you can make decisions to stay with her from a position of strength and totally on her merit not on your need. 

If I were you I would start working out, including lifting weights (if you are not already) you would be surprised how much that will help you. It releases endorphins that is the bodies natural anti-depressant. It also gives you tangible goals and daily successes that can be small personal victories. Not to mention making you more attractive if you have the need. And you may.

Next start pursuing yourself. Use this moment in your life to grow, for yourself in whatever way is necessary to make you feel confident and secure. See if she follows along. If not her loss. You are the catch here. I mean just from any objective view no one wants to be in a relationship with an unrepentant cheater, that's NOT you in this situation. 

Go get counseling to help you detach from her, to get yourself to the point where you can make a rational choice, not an emotional one. 

Accept that your wife fired you. Act like that. But trust that you can have a great life, maybe even a better one without her. After all you were married to a person who by her own words "was very unhappy" but never once told you (I think this is bull**** but lets take her at her word). Would anyone call that kind of person a good spouse? Nope and the way she dealt with that was to have an affair. Every man's dream. 

I would strongly caution you that you don't have the whole truth. Most men are not going to continue in a text affair, they are going to need more, especially the kind of men who troll around looking for text affairs to begin with. Again your wife is a liar that is really the only thing you know to be true. Unfortunately you may never know the truth as she has no motivation or desire to tell you the truth. But that is an insight to her character. Pay attention to that? Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to, to spend your whole life with? 

Now this is the most important I am going to tell you in this whole entire post. * You are not responsible for her affair.* It's certainly possible that there were problems in the marriage and yes, that is partly your responsibility, though I would hold that if she never told you and acted like everything is great that takes away a lot of your culpability. Also, from my history of reading posts like this for years now, it's entirely possible, even likely you had a great marriage until your wife succumbed to the excitement of someone new hitting on her. She didn't protect you from the worst of her own nature and has decided to rewrite your marriage history to justify her vile actions. *Anyway the point is the marriage is your responsibility, her choices are not. * Until she understands this like she does the sun will shine in the sky, you do not have a chance. You will be miserable in the long run and will waste your life with her. And there is no way "She is trying also to make this work" as you say. 

Most of the time what happens is when people separate from cheaters they realize that cheating was only the culmination of their crappy behavior and character. Most of the good parts of the marriage were the cause of the spouse who was cheated on. Usually the spouse who was cheated on was settling. Many times thy just don't have the context to know. It's only after when they are with someone of good charicter do they realize what a useless ******* they were married to before. 

Trust me your wife is not your only path to happiness, there is a good chance she is only a path to misery.


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## niceguy47460

I would say she had sex with the guy


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## Mr.Married

Gary .... your playing this all wrong. She needs to be the heart broken sob story of regret and remorse. If you don't take a hard stance you will get more of the same.

Right now your teaching her that her transgressions are fine and you will just eat them with a needy smile on your face.

Playing the why, how, I need, please don't, do you love me, I need you, blah blah blah blah will only serve you in the worst way.




Prepare yourself ........ more "truths" are coming.....


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## Blondilocks

Her school rents an apartment for teachers? For the purpose of the boss taking employees there to sign contracts? Her boss brings a bottle of wine to celebrate the signing of a contract? And, it's the landlord of the apartment who she falls in love with? Really? Really???


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Gary,

Your situation is like an iceberg. 10% you see, 90% underwater. As you have been advised, place a VAR or two in her car, and the room of the home she spends most time in. DNA test is to let her know you are now questioning everything. 

Exposure is not an option, but mandatory in your situation. Expose to parents and close friends and POSOMs significant others. Trust me that exposure is a wonderful tool to kill affairs.

Now, about you. Time to take care of you. You note you were not in shape. No time like now to start. Focus on you. Eat good foods, hit the gym, get you a new hair style, new wardrobe. Every journey begins with a first step.

Consider IC for both of you. You to build self esteem, and wife to fix what is broken.

Listen to some of the veterans advice as these folks know from experience the best course of action to consider.


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## MattMatt

garyisfar112166 said:


> I was accused of never trusting her and being over protective of her. I always trusted her but she has a very soft and kind personality. I always wanted to protect her against wolves out there as she is very gullible. When she mentioned that I never argued that it wasn't true. She has always been my everything. I never had bad intentions. I just looked out for my wife.


But what if she doesn't want to be protected from wolves?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

“Turns out that the day she got drunk was at an apartment her school is renting for teachers where she and her boss went to sign the contract and out of courtesy her boss took a bottle of wine. 

My nightmare started from that day on. I later found out that she and this landlord texted each other regularly. I found out because my wife was signed in on my computer so I could see her history.”

********

Gary, it went physical. I highly doubt a school rents an apartment for teachers. Really? Boss took a bottle of wine.....why? You know why deep down. You must rip the band aid off and she needs to come clean. A lie detector would be a good start. The status quo needs to shift from her to you, and a polygraph is the key to this. If she refuses to do so you have her answer.

Why do you want to be miserable? Does she make you happy? You deserve better. This affair was/is not your fault. It is 100% on her. 

The right thing is usually the hard thing to do, and you are going to have to do. Just do it.


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry you are in this mess. 

Is the boss married? If so, he can loose his job for an affair with a subordinate. You may also be able to sue their employer for some sort of damages.

Save all evidence.

Hire a PI.


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## timcarp1964

The nightmare started a lot earlier than that day. You may not have known it, but it did. If you want to keep your marriage intact, I suggest you sit down and lead an open honest discussion. Own where you have hurt your wife. Not that any of your hurt caused her to stray, that's on her. Own your stuff and apologize if you are really sorry. We took a marriage class at church called intimate encounters and it help us go through a similar discussion. Get counseling immediately.
Good luck


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## farsidejunky

Gently, brother...it's time to wake up and take action. 

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt

garyisfar112166 said:


> I was accused of never trusting her and being over protective of her. I always trusted her but she has a very soft and kind personality. I always wanted to protect her against wolves out there as she is very gullible. When she mentioned that I never argued that it wasn't true. She has always been my everything. I never had bad intentions. I just looked out for my wife.


I cringe FOR you.

If I were to write a book entitled, *"How to Do Everything Wrong While Making Yourself Look Like a Needy, Weak, Desperate Floor Mat,"* then I'd use your posts to do it. 

Geez Louise.

Not only are you acting desperate and weak because you're willing to take whatever bull**** she's shoveled at you while STILL begging her love you and not leave you, but you're actually trying to 'protect' her from the consequences of her behavior - because God forbid this little hot-house flower suffer any humiliation. Then, on TOP of all that, you're now making her into some kind of innocent little victim who was taken advantage of by a 'predator.' How'd he supposedly take advantage of her when she claims she never had sex with him? That's some lying manipulator you're married to.

What lies will you tell yourself *next *in order to be able to continue swallowing that huge **** sandwich she's served up to you? Because that's exactly what you're doing. You've swallowed any pride and dignity you may have had and have just completely rolled over.


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## She'sStillGotIt

farsidejunky said:


> Gently, brother...it's time to wake up and take action.
> 
> Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.


You said in 2 sentences what took me 3 paragraphs to say. :grin2:


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## Talker67

blondilocks said:


> her school rents an apartment for teachers? For the purpose of the boss taking employees there to sign contracts? Her boss brings a bottle of wine to celebrate the signing of a contract? And, it's the landlord of the apartment who she falls in love with? Really? Really???


sniff test: Fail


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## Decorum

garyisfar112166 said:


> I'm in bad shape. Need to ask to be loved. She is trying also to make this work after she told me how she felt in our marriage.


As has been already stated, many of these rewrites she is doing, were the self-justifying thoughts she composed in her mind to feel guilt free. (She did have sex with him btw.)

When a woman is done with you there is no going back. It does not sound to me like she was at that point. She still wanted to keep you as a backup. If she were done with you she would choose to live alone before she would stay with you.

Sooo we call this cake eating.

Here is the thing, there is sort of a power struggle here, she wants to be in control, and use your love, and devotion, and pain to manipulate the outcome in her favor. That is, as few consequences as possible, and retaining as much freedom as possible.

That is why she does not seem all in, and does not seem to be willing to be honest. This is very typical.

The things she is currently saying to you are instinctively strategic acts on her part to do a push/pull. 

*Push, to get you off balance (i.e. you were controlling, that pushed me into it), 
*Pull, to get you where she wants you, (I.e. I want to try to work this out).

The whole time you are off balance and wondering what to do next. Sometimes this is called being a doormat because she is just wiping her feet on you and you are letting her.

Sometimes this whole attitude on her part is called remorselessness, or not being remorseful.

You can't force someone to be remorseful. It is not two dimensional like that, but to be remorseful a person has to have the kind of character that can think, and feel, and act in those terms. It has to be a part of her ethical core.

If you gather your resolve, and blow up her world (by following the advice here), you put an end to her plans, and put her in a position to stop trusting in her manipulation skills, and clear the path to true remorsefulness, should she be capable and desirous of going there.

That is what what is missing and what you instinctively know should be there.
I wish you well!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Gary,

You are in a fragile state. Do not allow her to rewrite your marital history. Call her out on her bull****. Get yourself to a counselor as I sense self esteem issues. I have been in your shoes. I ain’t fun, but you can and must get out of the hole you are in. Please go see a mental health professional. As I have told other posters, you are stronger than you realize. You must tap your inner strength.

I was in bad shape let myself go. I am 6-4 and ballooned from 230 to 310 pounds. My wife started an affair after we had been married for 29 years. When I got the bad feeling, I got my head out of my ass and hit the gym, changed diet, got with an age management doctor, and lost 70 pounds in four months. I got in better shape at 54 than I was at 34. Still had issues I had to work through. When I discovered her affair it knocked me to my knees.

I got serious and confronted her, exposed to family and close friends and made myself scarce for six weeks. She came chasing after me and we are in our third year of R. I listened to the good people on here who told me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear. Took their advice. It worked. I did what I did from a position of strength. Before I left I told her I was ****ing done. This shocked her because in our 29 years of marriage I had never raised my voice to her.

Point I learned is women respect strength, you can’t show weakness.

PS: I also burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom in a bonfire, and I sent her a live video with me doing th color commentary in marine language. Pissed her off, but I drove home my point.


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## Talker67

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> PS: I also burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom in a bonfire, and I sent her a live video with me doing th color commentary in marine language. Pissed her off, but I drove home my point.


that must have been very satisfying!
Good for you!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Talker67 said:


> that must have been very satisfying!
> Good for you!


Set the tone I was a man on a mission. Scared the hell out of her I could fly into such a rage. We are now a little over three years of R. Sometimes you have to go to extremes.


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## MattMatt

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> “Turns out that the day she got drunk was at an apartment her school is renting for teachers where she and her boss went to sign the contract and out of courtesy her boss took a bottle of wine.
> 
> My nightmare started from that day on. I later found out that she and this landlord texted each other regularly. I found out because my wife was signed in on my computer so I could see her history.”
> 
> ********
> 
> Gary, it went physical. I highly doubt a school rents an apartment for teachers. Really? Boss took a bottle of wine.....why? You know why deep down. You must rip the band aid off and she needs to come clean. A lie detector would be a good start. The status quo needs to shift from her to you, and a polygraph is the key to this. If she refuses to do so you have her answer.
> 
> Why do you want to be miserable? Does she make you happy? You deserve better. This affair was/is not your fault. It is 100% on her.
> 
> 
> The right thing is usually the hard thing to do, and you are going to have to do. Just do it.


I do not doubt that a school might have an apartment for teachers. But what a golden opportunity for the use of it for cheating teachers?


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## SuburbanDad

"The things she is currently saying to you are instinctively strategic acts on her part to do a push/pull. 

*Push, to get you off balance (i.e. you were controlling, that pushed me into it), 
*Pull, to get you where she wants you, (I.e. I want to try to work this out

This is how she will act until she is forced to make a decision; you or OM

Force that decision by using a VAR, GPS on car and Find My Friends on her phone. It's not spying, it's self preservation. The thoughts inside your head are going 1 million miles per hour and will continue this way until you are able to find out more information.

My WW said the same things to me and much much more when trying to deflect. Be patient, observe her actions and do NOT take your eye off of the objective.


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## Chaparral

Did you get a phone number from the messages or email address ? I’m wondering if she is protecting her principal?


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## Tron




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## just got it 55

Robert22205 said:


> I'm sorry you are in this mess.
> 
> Is the boss married? If so, he can loose his job for an affair with a subordinate. You may also be able to sue their employer for some sort of damages.
> 
> Save all evidence.
> 
> Hire a PI.


Don't bother FILE

55


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## Chaparral

Get an attorney. 

You unna recovery on her phone. I think the name of the best one is fonelab. 

When did your sex life go south?


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