# Are My Expectations Unrealistic???



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Are My Expectations Unrealistic???

Background: Married 4 1/2 years. Last year he cheated, and the consensus from the forum was that I should not of got back together with him. But I did....so here I am now wondering if there are more reasons I should leave him besides the affair.
I don't want to make this too long, so if I leave out important details, please ask. 

My current concern (aside from still trying to recover from the affair) is that he doesn't seem to care about things that are important to me. I just started working (have been a stay at home mom for the most part for the past 13 years). My schedule stinks right now. I am gone from 1pm-12am 5 days a week. Therefore my H is home with the kids most evenings. And this is where most of my problems are coming from. He isn't doing much to keep up with the house work, he only cooks dinner about half the nights for the kids, the other nights my mom cooks for them. He doesn't get the kids to bed on time, he doesn't bathe the kids, and I'm really irritated by it! Most nights when I come home, the lights are on throughout the house (concerned about our budget and the electric bill), and my 9 year olds radio is up way louder than it should be for sleeping.

I have other issues as well. Mainly financial. He has finally started taking lunch from home, which was a big issue for a while. He drives a big truck and we have a mini-van. It seems that even when the van is available to him, he still drives his truck which uses more than twice as much gas than the van. Our budget is so tight right now that we have to save every penny we can, but he doesn’t seem to think about it or care about it. 

There are a lot more issues as well, but it breaks down to him not being concerned about our well being. 

Am I expecting too much??? Asking too much???


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I guess I should add that I have talked to him about this on more than one occasion, and his reaction is:

~feels sorry for himself
~defends himself
~apologizes and says he'll do better

Change may or may not happen, but doesn't last.

And yes, he does work also. I know he's tired when he gets home, but with both of us working, we both have to step it up to get things done.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

why are you now working after being a stay at home mom for so long?
did you marry knowing it meant you would have to go back to work? was this discuussed or is it something unexpected ( to go back to work)
?

it seems many of the problems your having is due to the fact your working. Is this correct?


Maybe you can get a job where your off in the evenings?

since your married less than 5 years.. are the kids you have his kids too? your current husbands ?

if they are not his bio kids....
Have you considered having the childrens biological father watch them in the evenings> and feed them? bring them home after he tends to feeding them and spending time with them?

My husband and I discussed his kids before we married and I told him that I could not marry him if it meant certain things with his kids as I am not their mother and don't want to be...
did you discuss any of this with your husband before you married ?
about your kids from a previous marriage...
as he may not be or want to be in this role or finding out he can't deal with it.
?
where is the childrens bio father?
why is he not helping?

about the vehicle... my husband would not drive my car to save gas either... he would rather pay more and drive his truck.
I would not drive his truck even if he paid me to drive it.... I am not comfortable driving something so big and he does not like driving my car, he feels its too small...
and I feel safer driving my car as I can handle it better in traffic than the truck.
I think in driving, its about which vehicle you can drive best... and not about saving a few cents. That is my opinion on the car thing.

If money is that tight.. are you really saving any by working?
as sometimes with the cost of working... while you have kids at home, its not worth the cost.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I was not expecting to work when I married him. I have to now as a result of a business that didn't do well and a bankruptcy. Our finances completely fell apart when he cheated. He neglected the business and spent money elsewhere.

It does help us financially for me to work as my mother watches the kids until H gets home so there are no daycare expenses.

I told him hands down that I wanted him to be an active part of my childrens life. I have 4 from a previous marriage. And he had full custody of his kids for the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage. I worked by butt off as a stay at home mom to my 5 kids and his 4 kids. 

My childrens father lives 2 hours away from us. And aside from that, the less they see their father the better. He has some issues to say the least.

My kids love my H. There are a lot of things he does that I have no complaints about. I just think that right now in our lives we both need to be giving 110%, and I'm not seeing it from him. 

I really wouldn't worry about the vehicles, but we were both unemployeed until a few weeks ago, and bills are backed up. We need to get caught up before we can even think about relaxing our budget at all.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> I was not expecting to work when I married him. I have to now as a result of a business that didn't do well and a bankruptcy.



Because of this business and bankruptcy I really can't say if 
your being realistic in your expecations as there is always a lot of history with that kind of thing...

but it could be... and I may be wrong ...
that he does not feel 110%... or does not have that much to give...
as bankruptcy now is a very bad thing and has long term effects
for some time upon your ability to do the things you want to do.
He could feel beaten down, depressed.

You sound very motivated and gung ho but the fact is maybe he does not have 110% to give.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

about the budget- something my H and i just started doing was having separate accounts. we each have so much a week we can spend. once its gone, its gone. 

so with the issue with his truck- i think you two ought to sit down and figure out how much you need just for you two- for gas and spending money. and then deposit so much money into separate accounts. that way you dont have to tell him what he can and cant spend. once he's out of money he's out.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Maybe your just looking for reasons to divorce him? as if you are really concerned about money and its super tight for you financially...
you should not be concerned with lights to save money as you most likely know.... lights use little energy.
If you want to save money in the household, anything on 220
are the big energy users
dry your clothing half way and hang up to dry 
do not use the oven, its on 220
with so many kids, learn to cut the families hair, save several hundred per year
use fans and not the AC
Turn hot water heater to warm, not hot, as hot water heater is on 220.

Could you just be angry your having to work and cannot run things in the house as you want...
so your looking for reasons to divorce him?

Sounds that way
and I'm not saying your wrong to feel like you do, just pointing out maybe your looking for reasons to divorce.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I have wondered the same thing and I guess thats why I posted to find out what other people think. But like I tried to explain to him....it's not each little thing that just cost a few cents each....it's the whole picture of him not looking out for what's in the best interest of our family. We discussed shutting off the cable, fax line (we had it for our business), and even possibly the home phone since we both have cell phones. He seemed to agree, but it hasn't been done yet. I haven't done it because I wanted him to do it, just to make sure he was on board with the decision....guess he's not. 

I already do everything I can think of to save money....I cut my kids hair, I shop second hand for as many things as I can, use generic brands for most things, we don't eat out, I cook from scratch instead of pre-made food....there's not much more I can cut out.

The bankruptcy.....yes it is complicated....and I blame a lot of it on him. My credit was really really good when we got married....and due to some uncontrolled spending, bad business decisions, and his affair (we had a general contracting business, and when he started spending his time with women instead of working the jobs suffered as did him doing bidding to get more jobs coming in), we had to file for bankruptcy. In all realilty, 95% of the debt is in my name. 

Maybe it all comes back to the fact that I am angry....very angry over EVERYTHING. From the affair to the bankruptcy to me having to work and not be home with my kids.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would be really, really angry too 

so.. the question is .. are you being realisitc in your complaints about him and the lights? maybe not.... 
you may just be really, really angry....

and who could blame you?
I might be more angry at him if I were in your shoes !!!

Maybe your complaints over his lack of turning out the lights, having the music on too loud and everything else are just ways you can lash out at him... because you are still very angry.

It may be something your doing without trying to do it... 
just ways to get jabs at him. It may make you feel better in ways, although it might not do any good to solve any problems.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just about EVERYTHING in a marriage is subject to change in circumstances and we all have to adjust our lifestyles accordingly.

The economy has wiped out the once rosy fortunes of millions of people. so agreements to have the wife stay home and raise children, what kind of vehicle to drive, even what kind of home to live it--all get called into question if finances get into a crisis.

What is NOT negotiable is faithfulness and love and a team attitude.

When one of those pillars falls, it threatens everything.

Do what you can to ensure your family makes it through the tough times. if you have to work, do it. If he has to drive the more gas miser car he should do it.

Does this solve everything? No. but relying on promises made during good economic times is setting up for failure.

Hang onto what is important.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't know. Preso has a point...you could be finding reasons to lash out at him.

But I'm thinking a little different. I have read your posts from the beginning. I have also read his. You have a truly heartbreaking story and you are a stronger woman than I am. I think he should be doing everything he can to make you happy, work as a team, and prove that he is trying to rebuild your relationship. I think he should be bending over backwards.

Ok...he's tired because he works. You're working. We all work, we are all tired, and the kids still need a damn bath! Usually I believe it is both partners who run the marriage into the ditch, but your husband went off the deep end and is entitled to more responsibility, in my opinion. HE let the business go and SHOULD drive the most economical car on occasion, turn off the lights, quit eating out, etc. What is he doing in the evenings? What is he doing instead of taking care of the house and kids?

I think you have reason enough to divorce him today if you want to. Figure out if that's what you're doing...just looking for more reasons. In the mean time, he needs to step up to the plate...EVERY plate. If he needs a written schedule for the evenings and a to-do list...write it down for him. Give him a checklist and a time when each thing should be done. I wouldn't care if he liked it. You have a family together. Kids need to be fed, bathed and put to bed on time no matter how tired "we" are. Getting some help from your mom on occasion is a nice treat, but he can buck up and do it too.

I don't have any sympathy for your DH right now. He shouldn't be making ANYTHING more stressful on you. If he wants to keep his wife and his family, he'd better show you he can do what needs to be taken care of. You're too close to the exit door and if doing it yourself is easier......


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

I think your expectations are NOT unrealistic!!I work a rotating schedule--which sucks big time. But when my hubby is home with the kids he has his own way of being home with them. you can't expect him to do everything right cuz in my experience that's too much. If the house is cleaned twice a week by him I am happy. If he puts the kids to bed within an hour of their actuall bedtime I am happy. If he gives them a bath every other day that's great. To me it sounds like something is bothering him--depression, anxiety, something. Talk to him about it. Men don't seem to like to talk, but be persistant there are children involved so that makes it all the more important. Even if you have to try counseling. Do what feels right. Marriage is a two way street. You can't be the only one making an effort.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Thanks for all the responses. 

SO I worked all day Sunday getting a good portion of the house clean...he helped me clean the kitchen in the evening....it felt so good to get some work done. Then today came...my 2nd day off....to the store to outfit my son for football....to a counseling appoint for my oldest...then football practice....then the doc with 4 of the kids who all have strep....to the pharmacy for meds.....a little grocery shopping for the week....run to the post office.....home around 6. Ugh! Wanna know what got done around the house today??? One load of dishes and one load of laundry. That's it! 

Maybe it's me being overwhelmed with life right now. Maybe I'm a little depressed as well. Maybe he is....I don't know.

I will talk to him...we will sit down to down and see what we can figure out to make life run smoother. 

MsStacy....thanks for the support....it has been a long hard year. I wish memories could be erased....I wish I had back the man I thought he was before the affair....I wonder if I can _ever _feel about him again the way I did before.....


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

preso said:


> why are you now working after being a stay at home mom for so long?
> did you marry knowing it meant you would have to go back to work? was this discuussed or is it something unexpected ( to go back to work)
> ?
> 
> ...


I don't know too many people who'd choose to marry someone who doesn't want a d*mn thing to do with their kids regardless of wether they are the bio Dad/Mom or not. I can tell you this right now. If I met someone tomorrow I don't care if they were the PERFECT man, if they didn't love my daughter then they sure as hell have no place in my home. Bio kids or not when you marry someone w/children you're marrying their children too, if you don't want them or they're an annoyance to you then GTFO, cause there is NO WAY you're going to be able to hide the fact that you could give two sh*ts about them or not. No matter how hard you try, your spouse WILL know and so will those kids.

Sorry this is a subject I feel very strongly about. If that works for you and your spouse then so be it. Far be it from me to tell you two what works for you. I just have to question the male or female who marry's another whom outright says yours kids are yours I want nothing to do w/them. But that's just me.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

On the other hand I don't think your expectations are unrealistic at all. The economy is tough right now we all know that. But everyone has to do their part. When you're gone your hubby needs to step up and vice versa...I'm a very team oriented person when it comes to realtionships and marriage. Tired or not kids need food, baths, and a bedtime...the more scheduled the better as kids do better with routine than without...

Bless your heart you've been through alot, an affair is very hard to get over but you wouldn't be there if you didn't still love him, so stay strong. Make sure you communicate. One day at a time. Just don't hold it all in as that will do way more harm than good and when it blows it will BLOW.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Thankfully my kids are blissfully unaware of the issues I see....after all, they are boys and could really care less how often they get a bath! lol My husband loves my kids and my kids love him. I guess I need to put a few things in perspective and be grateful for what he does do.

He asked me to leave a list of things for him to do this evening. I have a few requests that are absolute MUSTS, and the rest would just be nice if he can get to it.

I know he tends to be passive aggressive....at least that is what the counselor pointed out when we seeing him, so maybe that is what this is. We need to get back into the counselor. I need it for sure, and I'm sure it will do us both some good.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I know someone who is passive agressive and let me tell you I find those people the most difficult people to deal with. To have one for a partner must be very difficult for you.
I couldn't even imagine... as they are snaeky and dont say what they mean and mean what they say.
My husband is direct... and I will take blunt rather than wishy washy.
It must make matters even worse for you with the fact he cheated as to deal with his personality traits. I know it must be very hard to work with someone like that as they tend to be jealous, like to mess things up for others... very sneaky people.

I posted a thread about P-A personality the other day as I see lots of people here are married to them....
I do not find they are anything in the partner/ spouse catagory as they are so very difficult to deal with. In marriage a persons partner and team skills are very important... so your both working on things together...
not one person messing you up while you try to do everything because they are such bad team players.
I would be angry at him too not just for the cheating but I know he tries to make your life hard and annoying...

too bad bytch slapping him wasn't ok... might at least make you feel better. haha


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

raising5boyz said:


> He asked me to leave a list of things for him to do this evening. I have a few requests that are absolute MUSTS, and the rest would just be nice if he can get to it.




This is great. I know it's hard for us to understand as women, but I have come to realize men HAVE TO BE ASKED! I used to struggle to do something, obviously needing help, and my husband would stand there looking at me with an odd look. I'd get pissed and resentful. He was truly clueless, and would always say to me, "why didn't you ask me for help". 

They want to be asked for help, they want to help us, but they need a list and step by step instructions. So make him a great master list for the week. ie..."These are things that have to be done every night, These are things that have to be done on such and such days, These are things I would really like done, and These are those extra things that would be really nice and make me feel very loved." I'd love to hear all that he gets done once he has a concrete tool.

I hope you guys are talking. It sounds like you can work through this.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Preso: :rofl: The sad part is that years ago I did bytch slap him! And it did wake him up enough for me to qualify him for marriage (although I have yet to decide if marrying him was smart or not!). I need to look more into pa personalities....I'll read your thread on it. And I'll be looking into the best way to deal with/talk to him if this is one of his issues.


MsStacy: I got too busy today to make the list for him, but it is at the top of my To Do list for tomorrow morning. I hope it helps. He was able to keep the house picked up this evening. And he had the dinner dishes done...so hopefully I have his attention and he is willing to work with me on this.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

so... I looked up passive aggressive behavior....and sure enough he has several of the signs. Guess it's time to read up on it and get back into counseling!


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## Demeter (Sep 2, 2009)

the affair's over, he was bad and cheated and knows it, he lost a business, he's bankrupt, he feels inadequate, his wife had to go to work, the man is really depressed.

You are angry. He is making you work too hard. You're having to work 2 jobs (that's always the case with working mothers). but you're angry and not giving him a break to get over his depression. As angry and frustrated as you are, you have to let him know the ways you love him, the ways he is the best thing on earth for you, the ways in which he takes complete care of you (and don't use the word inadequate). Men need appreciation.

The car things make sense. People can't adjust to each others cars. You're being angry and picking at things. do you manage the budget alone? Maybe he's too depressed to sacrifice any of the few things that feel good to him right now. Cajole him into helping as much as you can, don't tell or criticize him.

Maybe you both need therapy, which is expensive. He needs anti-depressants, if he'll take them. 'Honey, you seem so sad and I am so worried about you. PLEASE go to the doctor, I bet something like antidepressants would make you feel better. I miss you. It's so hard not being with you at night, and that when we are together you are so sad." If you go to the doctor with him, do not beat him up or criticize him. You may be better with bipolar drugs or tranquilizers. Tell your doc you want to wring his neck and you haven't before. You should probably tell the doc you want to kill the kids, too (it IS the 8 year old leaving the radio loud), so the doc doesn't just think you need a divorce.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I know a PA person very well... sometimes I think the best solution is a bytch slap...
they are really something to deal with and my heart goes out to you in feeling your frustration with the situation.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

So...I think this marriage is going to end very soon. Not just because of the issues in this thread....but because of EVERYTHING that has happened in the past year. 

I just found out two weeks ago that when we split....he told people that I was abusive to his children....which is NOT TRUE in any way! I was so up set about it, but I calmed down after a few days. Now I'm upset about it all over again.

His ex is trying to make it so the kids cannot visit him because of me. So if he chooses to be married to me, then I feel like he is choosing me over his kids, and that is not ok with me. 

His parents dis-owned him because he reconciled with me....and this just adds on to all of the other issues there are in our marriage! 

I told him tonight that we should move on, and his reaction was....he shed a few tears, told me he loved me, and that was it. Nothing else. I expected more of a reaction. It makes me feel as though he agrees....maybe he really does even though he says he doesn't. 

I don't know....I'm sad....I'm confuses...I don't even know what I am.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> :
> I just found out two weeks ago that when we split....he told people that I was abusive to his children....which is NOT TRUE in any way!
> His parents dis-owned him because he reconciled with me....and this just adds on to all of the other issues there are in our marriage!
> .


Your going to have to put your emotions aside and fight for the best divorce you can get... as I get the feeling he is going to play dirty and make you look unfit.
Your going to have to put your feelings to the side about how much you hate him and really be calm as 
COOL HEADS PERVAIL... and you dont want to end up with a bad divorce and losing your house or kids.

In your situation as he blabs ( to his parents and others) it may now be a good idea to stop talking to him and file for divorce. He is going to start bad rumors about you so you need to distance yourself from him now and stop being emotional...

I know thats hard to do but its only going to be to your benefit as anything you say can and will be held against you with him.


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