# 100% Transparency -what it means to our marraige -what % are you??



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

100% Transparency.... what does this REALLY mean? 

I hear so many talk about it -but even they appear to have lines drawn in the sand......we don't cross into each others "pasts" /don't dare ask how many sex partners I had !.. ...of course we have each others passwords on FB, but don't touch my cell phone! .......Maybe now we are down to 85%.....

Then there are those who completely FREAK upon learning of one questionable line uttered to a Co-worker.....yet they say the TRUST them.... 

If 100% transparency was being practiced & lived, one thing is certain.... there would be NO questioning of the motives of the spouse....the husband or wife would already be clued into the state of their hearts .....whether it be with them or  in a state of wavering, uncertainty during that time. .... Admitting such is also a part of true Transparency. It is not all flowers & spice & everything nice..... 

There are many reasons why it can never be practiced.... one is - the majority EXPECT near perfection from their spouses. This is a grave grave error. Another is the shaking fear of *vulnerability*, we want no part of it. 


> "Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” Mother Theresa


Take 20 minutes learn the beauty of Vulnerability >>Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability  

One thing I have always been with my husband is ....terribly HONEST, there was an Untempered openness there..... In my youth, I was more apt to be on the rude side to remain true -over tactfully lying to save face, thankfully I have learned some *grace with my words *over the years. 

Transparency is being openly honest -even when it has the potential to put you in the Doghouse ...... and Vulnerabilty is sharing your HEART in all it's fullness risking you may appear WEAK, insecurities exposed to the light.... 

My husband was my Prince, I the damsel in distress ........ there was an "*acceptance*" from him that I felt from the very beginning--I just KNEW I could share every secret place of my heart ...... the good, the bad, the ugly, my deepest hurts, my greatest fears, my highest highs, my most embarrasing moments, the worries I carried, every imperfection .....I was safe in his arms. 

And from his end, although not as forthcoming as myself , he always allowed me to DIG & dig as deep as I wanted ..... what he has given me from day 1 .....is his honesty & just as myself. ......even if it may *not *be what I want to hear ...... never has he made me feel I was asking too much, invading his privacy, never has he tried to steer a conversation elsewhere "to avoid", he had no walls erected that I could not pass through .... Always a WILLINGNESS there ... to allow me access to every corner of his being. Some things in life are Priceless, this I count among them. 

This is about being * Genuinely Authentic*, NO MASKS. 









But this is real life.......Sometimes our hearts may become unsettled/ conflicted for whatever reason, we are tempted to pick up a mask, maybe we wear many masks ! But with our spouse, we should need none. ....We need to take these unhealthy "stirrings" to our spouse , go to them humbly- heartfully ... at this point these things are very small "breaks", only seeds.... this is radical mind you -but this *IS *Transparency at it's core...... 

We do this.....because we LOVE & RESPECT our spouses, We throw away the excuses, no grass growing under our feet, we REFUSE to go the easy way of "hiding". ...... Never Never Never underestimate the power of Secrets, it is the beginning of every Slippery Slope that leads to the death of something that once was "beautiful". 

.... A mountain the size of Everest is thrown in here when we are met with an overy sensitive highly offended spouse who will throw their hands up in the air & say 'I am not listening to this, I'm out of here!!" crying betrayal .....before listening. This is very very disheartening. Some likely need counseling dealing specifically with *communication *before true transparency can even be entertained. 

....I think of a old dusty transparent glass sculpture (this could be the spouse who is stuggling with something) ...and the hearer could either be a hammer -shattering its form to peices ....or a fine linen caring to shine & restore it's beauty again. 

*Both partners must fully acknowledge :*

*Temptations* can befall ANYONE -look at the rate of infidelity, many who feel it could never happen to them- eat those words. We must be realistic, understanding human nature, even it's darker side, the heart can be SELFISH at times, wanting it's own. We, as well as our spouses, are capable of doing/saying CARELESS things, even for attention, a little excitement, our egos, having weak moments, overspending on impulse, we are also capable of verbal venom when HURT or just plain frustrated. What else is new under the sun. If you are above all of this, you are a rare person indeed. I, for one, am not. 

But yet...we are damned determined, despite all of these unfavorable things about ourselves ......to do right by our spouse, chasing after a clear conscience -because we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror every day. For those with integrity, this is a MUST. 

This is how it works for me... when I do something wrong , something that is in conflict with what is "written on my heart" in regards to my husband, our life together... I loose that "Peace" I am so used to carrying around, I seriously CAN NOT live with myself until I have told him & bared my heart -to why. I liken it to trying to swallow a bitter jagged pill, I can't get the thing down, and if I managed too, my stomach wouldn't accept it....as it should be. 

On the recieving end......we also understand the meaning of GRACE......Yes, it hurts, LOVE HURTS, but we must appreciate his/her honesty in coming forth, for not taking the easy slippery road to betrayal. When heartfelt communication is engaged in, sometimes their will be tears even, we offer understanding, it is not so easy to be in their shoes either. This is where we need to get to the ROOT of THE WHY'S.... what led to this place. What is missing, or is it just sinister? Determine to work through it ....commincation never stopping... To give wings to a budding resentment, and get back on the bridge of emotional connection, we patch these little breaks as we go along, never to revisit them in future arguments , or holding them against the other . 

This is what my husband gives me, and I give him. 

One article described Transparency like this >>


> Share what goes on in your lives completely, letting the light shine in all the corners, and trust won't be a problem. As a wise man once said, nothing is as freeing as the truth shared, especially between two people who love one another. The more you practice transparency, the easier it will become, as will trust, until it is as natural as breathing".


 It is breathing for me & mine. I asked him last night , in preparing to write this....what % would he say he has waded through in THE BAD in comparison to the Good , he counted it "ALL GOOD"..... funny how selective his memory is!!! I know it wasn't all good.... The worst I dished out was when dating & giving his ring back for a short time, I never HID or masked my true feelings, we talked all the way through it, he was never in the dark -it was a time of uncertainty-FOR ME. He remained steadfast, hurt but appreciative I didn't lie & go behind his back to figure it all out. I came back to him... maybe the way he handled that -was a part of it. 


Love this article, conveying the same marital spirit ... 
Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage - Focus on the Family


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


How is Transparency handled in your own marriage?? Please post your thougths, your own stories . Do you desire more transparency, does a spouse bother you because they want more than you care to give ? 

It is a subject I don't feel is talked about near enough but likely the largest preventative medicine to a healthy marriage.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OH, S.A....lies are a real relationship killer! Secrecy breeds contempt, mistrust, and a whole host of other unpleasant things. I wish I had learned of this board ages ago, before my H, then BF started lying (by omission) about things - and letting me find out the hard way, destroying my trust in him along the way. But, we're a 'new' couple. We're older, but we have only been together 18 months, married for 3 of those months. I'm hoping that time will heal the hurt I have right now, and that in 30 years, or maybe even 1 or 2, I'll look back on this point in our relationship and say to myself "What was the big deal, anyway???".

I have asked him for 'transparency', but we're not on the same page regarding the topic. But partly, it's my own fault, because I haven't been able to ask him for passwords because I am afraid of the reaction, and I don't want to start another fight. The truth is, if I had his pw, I'd probably check once or twice, and be satisfied with what I saw, and never check his emails again. I don't even really believe I'd find anything in there, anyway...but still, it nags at me every now and then, to NOT know who might be writing him, or who he may be writing to in secret...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is about being * Genuinely Authentic*, NO MASKS.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


^ I particularly liked this. 

You know I'd start a SA fan club if I could. I always take the time to read your threads and posts. I don't have much to contribute - you have it covered! 

I couldn't say we have always had 100% transparency but this is changing. I have felt that we showed our authentic selves (as much as we knew, at least) to each other. We have been honest with expressing our feelings - to the best of our ability. There have been times when we were unaware that perhaps we weren't expressing what was going on deeper. Sometimes walls are built from childhood and becomes part of our nature; we might not even recognize our own behaviors and patterns until we're ready for some serious self-reflection and growth. 

I feel like I'm sidetracking. I think what you have written is extremely valuable.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hey SA. hows it going??

my husband and i have total transparency. we both keep our phones unlocked, we both have access to e-mails, he sets up automatic bill payment on my e-mail so i can see whats going on.

we read one anothers postal mail, he and i can look at our on demand screen to see what shows were watched.

we are open and honest 99% of the time, and the one percent isnt underhanded or sneaky, just forgetful.

we do have the rule of cross posting..like if i had a thread he wouldnt post in it and vice versa. it isnt a "rule", but more like, curtesy.

he has full access to the netflix account. i have a book with all my other sites in signed up with, and the passwords and e-mail, and it sits out in the open, and he can look anytime he wants.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> But, we're a 'new' couple. We're older, but we have only been together 18 months, married for 3 of those months. I'm hoping that time will heal the hurt I have right now, and that in 30 years, or maybe even 1 or 2, I'll look back on this point in our relationship and say to myself "What was the big deal, anyway???".


Everyone is different of coarse, as for me, I don't think I could move past something like that unless it was fully talked about, him outrightly admitting WHY he did those things, and yes, even in the past. Coming to grips with betrayal ....I don't feel one would ever say "What was the Big deal"...but if he truly has changed, time will heal those wounds and he can regain your trust but only with time and his being careful to treat you right, showing you how important you are day in day out with actions, not just words. You need to feel that change, that turn around, and know it is going to last....and of coarse I want to say ....more willing transparency..should be a part of it. 



> I have asked him for 'transparency', but we're not on the same page regarding the topic. But partly, it's my own fault, because I haven't been able to ask him for passwords because I am afraid of the reaction, and I don't want to start another fight. The truth is, if I had his pw, I'd probably check once or twice, and be satisfied with what I saw, and never check his emails again. I don't even really believe I'd find anything in there, anyway...but still, it nags at me every now and then, to NOT know who might be writing him, or who he may be writing to in secret...


 I would find that a very very hard situation to be in. The way I look at this is....these things should never even have to be asked for- they should be freely offered, it is a "given" in marraige. To even have to ask is demeaning somehow. 

I wouldn't say it is your fault by any means, he sounds unwilling -and you know how it plays down.  Your situation is kinda the opposite of what I focused on in my opening post....this is just as common, or more so. 

You desiring it knowing what a marraige needs , so willing to be transparent.... but met with a Roadblock. 

It doesn't necessarily mean he is doing anything wrong though, not everyone shares everything. I think it is more telling how someone treats you everyday, their level of verbal & physical affection.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So what do I do then...? There is an unwillingness on his part. I can feel it. He would deem it a violation. This is without me asking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> So what do I do then...? There is an unwillingness on his part. I can feel it. He would deem it a violation. This is without me asking.


I seriously don't have an answer for you, because once you married him, it is like changing the rules on him, this is how HE will likely see it anyway. If it was accepted before -and this is how he wants it, you are in a tough , very tough place after the vows. 

See I could never marry someone like that, I would literally be a pain up thier waaazo, it is not because I would even care about passwords per say , life shouldn't be a list of "rules" but yeah, that willingness is how I describe it. I like to ask alot of personal questions - because I crave to get to know someone-and deeply , and a few slights, privacy roadblocks would be enough for me to turn around not come back that way again. 

That is just too hard on a marraige. It does breed suspicion... especially after what you have been through ..he should allow you THAT much... in good faith.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> I couldn't say we have always had 100% transparency but this is changing. I have felt that we showed our authentic selves (as much as we knew, at least) to each other. We have been honest with expressing our feelings - to the best of our ability.


 ...and I know from your personal story things are getting better & better all the time! It just works this way. 

Me & mine talked about this, I was always really INTO whatever his feelings were on things, dating, the whole bit, then I got sidetracked with infertility, with all the kids in a short span of years and some of this fell by the wayside....I wasn't asking as many questions, how work was every day for him , or how he felt about this or that, like I always did in our past. 

I recall a time where we went out to a Restaraunt without the kids (a rarity) & I looked across that table and had this thought ..."What do we even talk about- if not the kids?!" Yikes! That should have been a wake up call we were just NOT communicating the way we used too. Too focused on other things can get us sidetracked too. 

But yeah- it is great to keep that sharing flowing- on a variety of things, we seemed to have a stready diet of "kids" for a time. He says he WANTS my personal attention, he wants my asking of him -it shows I am genuinelly interested in him, this is good, the mystery should never die. Keep it ALIVE -always something new to learn in life, about each other (we are terribly DEEP creatures) and then go off & experience together. 



> There have been times when we were unaware that perhaps we weren't expressing what was going on deeper. Sometimes walls are built from childhood and becomes part of our nature; we might not even recognize our own behaviors and patterns until we're ready for some serious self-reflection and growth.


 I think what you say HERE is monumentally true for the majority of people, I likely had a few walls in my teens -with alot of people-that ones that didn't really know me. The people that were friendly / approachable & seemed to care, got to see the whole unfiltered me though. When you accually let that loose, these are the people that bind themselves to you, they want to spend time with you & never forget you. 

My son brought his GF to our house after school for the 1st time yesterday, I can see by thier interaction, they are NOT totally themselves with each other...YET. He is guarded with her, just not his usual "let it rip funny self". He was bouncing things off of ME to get things in a more happening mode before her. Oh in due time. He came to me later and said "Mom what do I do, a senior likes her!"- he is fearing heartbreak already. 

How you get yourself to be more unguarded is spending time together and JUST SHARING, showing interest & communicating, not fearing asking those deeper questions and just spilling it -as it is. Then slowly the REAL you will rise out of that. I told him once she sees the REAL HIM, I don't think he will have any trouble keeping her- at least for a while, they are awfully young yet


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Pandakiss said:


> hey SA. hows it going??
> 
> we read one anothers postal mail, he and i can look at our on demand screen to see what shows were watched.


Doing wonderful, not ready for Christmas, playing Hum Bug, The kids want to make cookies, gingerbread houses, lists are thrown at me, so much cooking, wrapping, a tree is enough decorating for me, I stop there, I need to buy little things for those stockings, I am not really on the ball -so I will be scrambling the last minute I suppose. 

I handle all the mail, I think the only thing I don't open is his coin flyers. All the check writing , bill paying I do- he probably hasn't written a check in years, just asked him , he said he probably wouldn't even remember how ! 





> he has full access to the netflix account. i have a book with all my other sites in signed up with, and the passwords and e-mail, and it sits out in the open, and he can look anytime he wants.


This is how we are too, I use the same password for my 3 email accounts, he uses the same for his & many times I have been on his page, him on mine & we just use them like it was our own to send each other a link or something. I have the same Password for every forum I ever visited, although differnt usernames. We have them written down on a peice of paper too -on a shelf . 

Although my husband has never cared to look, way too much reading for him!! Many times he is sitting just feet away from me on his laptop and I read stuff to him & anything interesting -I just spill it all. Often I will tell him some of the CRAZY usernames I see on this forum -the other day I seen "WTFman" -that was halarious! He always listens with interest. 

I think the only 'checking" either one of us has EVER done, with the intention of "looking for something" ...is ME in the past trying to find the porn he downloaded (pics only -playboy stuff) , he never tried to hide it, so It was easy to find..and back then I sat there & deleted it all too. 

Now he does this in the open & I am totally fine with his growing collection -even has it on a separate Hard Drive. I am always asking him what he thinks he is going to do with all that, hand it down to his sons. I think he gets more ENJOYMENT in the darn downloading it -than looking at it. He never just "looks". It is like a hobby more so. Very strange. 



> we do have the rule of cross posting..like if i had a thread he wouldnt post in it and vice versa. it isnt a "rule", but more like, curtesy.


So your husband posts here too? I think the neatest thing is ...when couples come here together and wade through the feedback in what they are facing, both giving each side to thier story, thier personal views. I would look upon that scenerio, if both were open to it ...as near free Marraige counseling.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think it is very important for a couple to understand each other. Just as friends, the more secrets we share, the better we understand each other, the more intimate we become. 

If you don't become transparent, if you don't open yourself to the one you are spending life together, how can he or she understand you and love you the way you want to be loved? 

My husband and I are very open with each other. While we were dating, we shared everything. The way we grew up, the struggles we had, what kind of sex life we had, etc. My husband usually does a thorough research before he buys anything. He did the same thing while he was choosing his life long partner. He got to know me through conversations with me. After we got married, we don't have anything secretive. Our email accounts are open for each other, our money is together, we buy things together. We don't do anything which the other one doesn't know about.

People are doing a lot of things I don't understand and I don't agree with. They say what works for you doesn't work for me. I think people now are too protective of themselves, they don't trust others, they don't trust their spouses. But how can you have a happy marriage if you don't trust the one you are married to?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Angel5112 said:


> * How can they be your partner if they don't know you, if you won't allow them to know you? :scratchhead:*


*

Some of them are too scared and worried that they might be judged. They are worried if they tell their spouses the truth, they might lose them. 

Some of them are just plain selfish. They want to enjoy the good life a marriage provides, but they also want to enjoy the good life outside of a marriage. In the end, they are lost!*


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I also have 100% transparency in our marriage. My husband and I are very honest with one another and have always communicated very well throughout or marriage. My husband is even becoming more comfortable with talking about sex with me. He never wants to hurt my feelings in anyway, nor does he want to come across as selfish, especially in that manner. I'm very honest with my husband and I'd never keep any secrets from him. I believe he is the same way. 

One thing is we have each other passwords for everything. We keep them in the filing cabinet next to the computer. We are both curious people and we both go through each others computers/iPods. My computer is currently and forever broken. We don't have the funds to buy another at this current time. My husband once told me that he has no interest in porn or strip clubs. He was telling the truth, I went through weeks of history and nothing. I never see him look at other women when we are together. I always thought that every man at least looks, which I'm very happy that my husband does not do this. It builds up my confidence as a woman.

Since our sex increased, so has the communication and the affection. These last few months have been better then ever. It's better now then when we were first dating. Especially with the communication on my husbands part. He is a very private and reserved man. I know him better then anyone, as the same goes for him with me. We truly have one of the best marriages ever. I honestly don't know too many people who get along like my husband and I do. He's better then any "best" girlfriend I have had. Recently I've noticed my husband glancing over looking at me quite frequently. I hope he is fantasizing what new things we can try out in bed.  Maybe I'll ask him. He's very good at noticing when something is not quite right with me and tries to fix it. I'm so very lucky to have him as my husband. He does so much for me and puts in so much effort in our marriage. I think he goes above and beyond what most men would do. I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.

However, we don't really talk about our past relationships. We both have been married once before and both our exes have were verbally abusive. His ex wife was drop dead gorgeous, which I was jealous in the very beginning of our marriage. She was trying to get back together with my husband at that time and wouldn't leave him alone. Eventually that faded and my jealousy disappeared. 

These last 13 years together have been the best years of my life with my husband. Our love continues to grow even stronger as time goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband and I know each other very well.

We had very independent lives before we met. We do not feel the need to merge our identites completely. We each need to keep some things for ourselves.

There is no need for me to read his mail or listen to his phone calls. He does not go through my phone or my private journal. We are not suspicious of each other.

Sometimes I think that members of TAM, judge couples who do not share EVERYTHING. We all do whatever we are happy with in our marriages and that needs to be respected.

I was told that I must be ashamed or have something to hide.:rofl: It's amazing how people think that they live in other member's heads. 

Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE
This article is about interdependence, which is the goal of any healthy adult relationship. Neither utter dependence or complete independence is good for a marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> My husband usually does a thorough research before he buys anything. He did the same thing while he was choosing his life long partner.


Green Pearl, I absolutely love this - I am a meticulous researcher...when I first got a computer, it seemed everyone was into chat rooms (before FB)... that bored me to tears, I spent all my time researching whatever I had questions for -alot of that was health issues, religion, any darn thing I was interested in-this is when I discovered the JOY of forums and yakking about particular subjects, alot of learning there. And I am just like your husband --I simply must read reviews on Amazon or other review sites before I buy near anything, I want to make sure it is not Junk- I want the BEST, so I won't have to buy it again. 

And how true to my nature.... when I met my boyfriend -had he been anyone else, he would have likely gotten irritated with me....cause I was so full of questions, I would send him notes asking how he felt about this, about that, cause I was basically RESEARCHING HIM!!!

I must admit I am happy I went about in this way, cause I knew that I knew that I knew what I was marrying when I walked down that aisle. And he knew what a feisty somewhat "out of the box" broad he signed up for too. He has never let me down.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i know..when did december get here....and its almost christmas vacation too...where did the year go..??

my husband found tam first, and signed up..then i asked him to sign me up also. he knows all my passwords because he set up my facebook, my myspace, my e-mail, like you, there all the same words.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Excellent write-up! Honesty is paramount in a relationship. 

When my youngest was small, I watched her every move on the internet. Somewhere between her sophomore and junior year in high school though, she learned to cold boot the system using a live CD and a minimal install of Windows or one of the many free Linux distributions. This in conjunction with piggy-backing on a neighbor's unsecured wireless network gave her complete privacy when she wanted it. There is no defense against that technique

At that point, I pretty much had to accept the fact that she was too sophisticated to snoop on and just hope I'd done a good job as a father.

Similarly, when my wife and I were first married, we were nineteen and twenty respectively and still in school. Thirty-five years later, we each have professional boundaries that would be illegal for the other to breach and either one of us could probably hide something untoward behind those walls if we wanted to 

That personal and professional growth is something we've had to accept as we've aged. So I really appreciate your emphasis on the voluntary aspect of transparency.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Temptations can befall ANYONE -look at the rate of infidelity, many who feel it could never happen to them- eat those words. We must be realistic, understanding human nature, even it's darker side


I don't claim to have a transparent marriage but I can see a lot of benefit from more open communication. So if I am seriously wrestling with temptation, how exactly would I bring this up and what kind of response should I expect? I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the abyss trying to back off with all my strength


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I don't claim to have a transparent marriage but I can see a lot of benefit from more open communication. *So if I am seriously wrestling with temptation, how exactly would I bring this up and what kind of response should I expect? *I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the abyss trying to back off with all my strength


I would start by just coming right out with it. "We need to have a serious talk. I need to share something with you that's very important and has been heavy on my heart".

What kind of response would YOU have to what you need to say? That would give you a good idea what to expect from your spouse. News like this can go two ways... either it will be received and discussed rationally, or it will go bad and fast. If my husband came to me and told me he was considering an affair, I'd want to know why first and foremost, and then figure out with him how to make any adjustments or changes to prevent it. I would have to listen, *really listen* to him because I love him and don't want something like this to happen.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> we each have professional boundaries that would be illegal for the other to breach and either one of us could probably hide something untoward behind those walls if we wanted to
> 
> That personal and professional growth is something we've had to accept as we've aged. So I really appreciate your emphasis on the voluntary aspect of transparency.


+1. It isn't within the gift of Mrs Beane or I to tell the other absolutely everything that either of us knows / does / has done. However, we are both aware that this is the case, so the playing field is level. The degree of transparency outwith this is such that I think we both spend time trying to send the message that even though there is a mechanism to hide stuff, neither of us uses it!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Green Pearl, I absolutely love this - I am a meticulous researcher...when I first got a computer, it seemed everyone was into chat rooms (before FB)... that bored me to tears, I spent all my time researching whatever I had questions for -alot of that was health issues, religion, any darn thing I was interested in-this is when I discovered the JOY of forums and yakking about particular subjects, alot of learning there. And I am just like your husband --I simply must read reviews on Amazon or other review sites before I buy near anything, I want to make sure it is not Junk- I want the BEST, so I won't have to buy it again.
> 
> And how true to my nature.... when I met my boyfriend -had he been anyone else, he would have likely gotten irritated with me....cause I was so full of questions, I would send him notes asking how he felt about this, about that, cause I was basically RESEARCHING HIM!!!
> 
> I must admit I am happy I went about in this way, cause I knew that I knew that I knew what I was marrying when I walked down that aisle. And he knew what a feisty somewhat "out of the box" broad he signed up for too. He has never let me down.


Yes, you two are totally the same! 

Salesladies are usually annoyed with him! 

After I found out his shopping habits, I asked him if he did the same thing when we were dating and how he did it. He said, " Yes. Through conversation, that's how I got to know you!" I am glad that he did all this by talking to me, not other people!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> Salesladies are usually annoyed with him!


:rofl::rofl: I had to laugh at this comment here ....I have annoyed a # of salesmen myself , asking questions they have no idea what the answers are too, my husband will even look at them , smile, shake his head and say......."She's tough". I am a near impossible sale -unless I had intentions to walk in that store & buy that particular item beforehand, I have even left telling them I need to go do my homework first , but I do enjoy the talking to them.... I am always impressed when we run into one who accually knows what he is talking about & has extensive insight into what he is selling. 

When I buy a big purchase on impulse (terribly rare), It seems I end up taking it back the next day.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I am a huge believer in total transparency and honesty. It was (and still is) really important to me that my husband know about my past, especially the bad parts. Telling him about when I got pregnant and had an abortion, when a member of my immediate family was murdered, when I gained 50 lbs from depression, when I was bullied in middle school, when I was involved with someone 30 years older than me, and on and on. His past is roses and kitties compared to mine, I have lived a relatively nasty life in some ways, so it was really important to me that he *really and truly know me* before he committed to me. I was always afraid of someone loving me for who they thought I was, not who I really was.

To me, being transparent is about giving my husband the opportunity to love me fully. He couldn't love all of me if he didn't even know about it all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

FirstYearDown said:


> There is no need for me to read his mail or listen to his phone calls. He does not go through my phone or my private journal. We are not suspicious of each other.
> 
> Sometimes I think that members of TAM, judge couples who do not share EVERYTHING. We all do whatever we are happy with in our marriages and that needs to be respected.
> 
> I was told that I must be ashamed or have something to hide.:rofl: It's amazing how people think that they live in other member's heads.


I do not want to come off as judging you, or anyone else, it is not my intention. I think when we read others opinions & we have a "*different way*", we can internalize that into a judgement, and maybe from some, it is. But try to not let that bother you too much....IF what you are doing IS working for you & yours, it isn't broken..who am I to tell you to fix it ! I wouldn't. 

Sometimes even I feel inwardly "judged" just reading some of the common opionions on this forum in how they deal with their marraiges..... Trust me when I say....there are things me & mine do that the majority of others would feel is definitely crossing a line- if it was in their marraige, saying "no husband who loved his wife would want to do that" .... when I tell people we have gone to Strip Clubs together. I have no issues with my husband getting a lap dance, NONE, I enjoy going too! But I would be told I am stupid & he is disrespectful for enjoying that. The last 3 yrs WE had a bit of a wild phase, we did it all together -It was damn FUN while it lasted, it's time has passed, and we have no regrets. We'd do it all over again!! We are enjoying our lives, we understand each other completely & it is all gooood. 

So yes, to each his or her own. 


Me & My husbands boundaries in regard to some things , even in communication with others .... our thresholds are a little higher than the norm. I am thankful my husband doesn't put me on a leash , nor do I him. But again....this is precisely WHY we can do such things -because our level of transparency is so very very HIGH, like see through glass. 

I noticed JellyBeans said this on another thread that CandiGirl started ...


> If you're doing something with the opposite sex (or same sex if you are gay) something you wouldn't do in front of your husband/wife/partner for fear of being shamed/guilted/wrong, it's probably cheating. (within the contexts of flirting, inapprop. conversation, touching/kissing/sexing).


I 100% agree with this . 

At the end of the day ....all that matters is a healthy happy thriving marital union. If you are as happy as pigs in mudd, and he is too, it's all monogamous & your hearts are # 1 for each other, what more could we ask for ?

No judgement from me. 



> Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE
> This article is about interdependence, which is the goal of any healthy adult relationship. Neither utter dependence or complete independence is good for a marriage.


AFEH originally used that link on this forum a while back, it is one of my all time favorites-for GOOD communication -love #5 about fighting! I have probably used that link as much as 50 times on this site in my posts. Excellent article!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I don't claim to have a transparent marriage but I can see a lot of benefit from more open communication. So if I am seriously wrestling with temptation, how exactly would I bring this up and what kind of response should I expect? I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the abyss trying to back off with all my strength


It is such a shame that - we find it so shocking that temptation exists, sounds like it has been climbing , an intensity there ! 

You know, this SO MUCH depends on what type of wife you have ...and your delivery, being humble about it before her. How has she responded in the past to things "hard to hear" ... does a blaming /shaming wall go up -her spitting it back in your face so you never get to the heart of what you are feeling --or you just never did anything this radical --in admitting ??

I would ask her to please promise to hear you out, I would likely even write a letter , so you have it worded just so and read it back to her - looking in her eyes. This should reveal all you are wrestling with, and how you need her to help you deal with it, how you want more transparency in your marraige. What else can you do ..it is a *respect *to take this to her. If she throws it back in your face, in a way, she is sending you packing -maybe just a little earlier.

I am convinced not many people are prepared for what their spouses are truly wrestling with. If it hasn't been a habit of us unleashing this kind of talk, this may come as a shock to the system for some. 

If you go forth, would love to hear how this plays out.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Transparency... >.<!

Well... personally my wife and I had a lot of transparency with each other in terms of our pasts, we both used to get involved in rather questionable activities that the average person would judge. Ironically it's what brought us very close together. As we had a foundation of being best friends, we didn't look at each other as a potential couple so we said everything...

... yet the more we shared, the more we found we have so much in common. But when we fell in love with each other, the transparency seems to have been dampened. The emotional attachment has led us to selfish deeds and manipulations and games. We are still struggling to find a balance between best friends who tell each other everything or lovers who play games and turn each other on.

The problem is sometimes the truth isn't much of a turn on. I know when my wife says "no" she really means yes but the more she says no regardless of what I believe it turns me on for example. With my desire for conquest, I will never desire a woman I've already conquered fully, she must be dishonest with me and tease me even if I know the truth.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even on my husbands end, with my probing questions, he has admitted things to me -that would have the majority of wives SLAP him & never live the comment down. Not me! I want that raw honesty ! It is just "our way", this has served us very well over the last 30 yrs of being side by side, we even revel in the ball & chain.


SA very curious about this, could you provide some examples?



> Ya know, it is funny, Most people are worried about allowing their spouses to see their threads here -fear of judgment & the Dog House.


This would be me, and extends to the general principal of full transparency. How do couples work through this especially the spouse that fears the dog house (which means no sex)


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, transparency is an interesting thing. I am not by nature a transparent person. In fact, I have admitted more than once that I am quite a daydreamer - there is a lot of 'stuff' up in my head at any given time and I'm not one to just give my 'dreams' and thoughts away easily. Some of them are for me only. 

That said, though, I'm a dreamer, not a schemer. I don't believe in hiding things that are of importance.

My H is not a dreamer like I am, but he is a bit of a thinker. There's a lot going on up in his head too.

When it comes to sharing things, we do. We are probably 'old fashioned' when it comes to some of the newer communication medium. We don't have facebook accounts, the computers are in a public area of the house so everyone knows what it is you are doing on them, all of our cell phones have no passwords and are easily accessible. I frankly don't care if he wants to look through mine, and honestly, I've never even had an urge to look through his - although it lays side by side by mine anytime we are home. We have a shared email account. TAM is the only forum I participate on - he participates on none. He knows my username and password on TAM. He never reads the stuff, but sometimes I will talk about things and he'll ask questions - sometimes he'll ask what I wrote and I realize I may have given out more personal information than he would have liked and I delete it.

Those are the easy transparency items to me - although they may be hard for others.

The harder ones for me are getting the thoughts and issues out of my head in a way that is understandable.

I think along with a certain amount of transparency, there really needs to be another "T" word that you have to have in a good marriage, and that is "*T*rust". Quite frankly, I don't need to have 100% transparency, and I am sure that I likely couldn't give that no matter how hard I tried. I simply cannot (and do not want to) get everything that is in my head out of it - and I don't want a mind dump from his either. But, I think my H and I both need enough transparency that there will be a strong trust between us - that is the ultimate goal.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bad News said:


> SA very curious about this, could you provide some examples?


 ha ha -out of my draining long winded post, one had to ask this -you little devil - some things might be best to not put in my thread. It was never about him wanting to roam or temptation, but I will leave it at that, Let's just say 95% of wives would be outraged at what he admitted, but I find it simply human nature & I *LOVE *the fact we can talk like that to each other so freely -without getting offended. I ENJOY the "mind dumping" as Enchantment called it. 

Why we can do this.... At the end of the day, I know he wants ME, I am in his heart & soul, even IF he may be attracted to other women, so he can say any damn thing to me. And that is how it is -on my end also. 

The other morning, when I told him I was going to do this thread, he looks at me & says ..."Noone can be like us, it would cause huge problems". I think he is right about that, but others can still raise the transparency bar with many many "emotional bonding" benefits. 




> This would be me, and extends to the general principal of full transparency. How do couples work through this especially the spouse that fears the dog house (which means no sex)


 I was curious to see if anyone wrote a book on something like this - I came across this : Amazon.com: How to Stay Out of the Doghouse: Josh Rubin, Jason Musante, Partners & Spade: Books



It says in there..."*Women feel things far more deeply than the rest of us, , they can be downright bottemless wells of sensitivity*". How true this is ! This doesn't make it too easy on men!! 

Bump up to my answer to 10 year hubby, what else can one do , if you have things going on inside of you that is troubling, whether that be a growing resentment- because you fear sharing -or a temptation stirring elsewhere . And then..... some would just rather NOT KNOW, just be faithful and true and keep your real thoughts to yourself. 

I don't know what your issues are, but given what you say here, YOU coming forth with full honesty will surely have her "punish" you--and you don't want it happening in the bedroom! 

These feelings you have won't just go away, one generally has to do something with them... whether it be suffering in silence -which will lead to festering resentment, becoming numb, growing temptation elsewhere cause the emotional connection has been lost, or taking *the risk *to OPEN IT ALL UP....after all this is what they do in *Marraige Counseling*, getting both parties to (finally) get it all out on the table, to look at it head on, and deal with it. 

If we could just do this in our very own homes, the field wouldn't be so booming.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> These feelings you have won't just go away, one generally has to do something with them... whether it be suffering in silence -which will lead to festering resentment, becoming numb, growing temptation elsewhere cause the emotional connection has been lost, or taking *the risk *to OPEN IT ALL UP....after all this is what they do in *Marraige Counseling*, getting both parties to (finally) get it all out on the table, to look at it head on, and deal with it.


SA I'm not suggesting that I have festering thoughts or desires I need to get off my chest - but if full transparency involves knowing everything your spouse might be thinking at a given time then this could lead to some awkward discussions. That's why I asked for examples.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It says in there..."*Women feel things far more deeply than the rest of us, , they can be downright bottemless wells of sensitivity*". How true this is ! This doesn't make it too easy on men!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bad News said:


> SA I'm not suggesting that I have festering thoughts or desires I need to get off my chest - but if full transparency involves knowing everything your spouse might be thinking at a given time then this could lead to some awkward discussions. That's why I asked for examples.


... It doesn't sound like you have any issues then, so be what you are. It's like I was expressing to FirstYearDown, if your level of communication & openness is WORKING for you, if it ain't broke, no need to go fixing anything. 

Even the truth can be FUN -I would even go so far as to say 'entertaining", depending on how your personalitys "mesh" with each other ..... as for us, we are a tiraid of bantering at our house, our kids even find it amusing. There is no awkwardness at all. It is not a matter of HAVING to share every detail at all , that would be "pressuring" - even "rulish" , I hope I am not giving such an idea here, if so I am being terribly misunderstood. 

It is a matter of *PURE FREEDOM *to share anything if you are feeling it / thinking it , I did call it "radical" -I say that because most marraiges are not like this. I am not exaggerating when I say , for us, it is as easy as "breathing". I feel many things , I ENJOY sharing, I couldn't be with someone who didn't have an "appreciation" for that. 

It is like Enchantment said, she couldn't be that way and she wouldn't want her husband to be either, so she & her man IS perfectly matched in this respect...and they have a beautiful marraige based on TRUST. Me & mine also have this Amazing TRUST , we just happen to share more openly than the norm. 

But what we find in far too many marraiges is not this....one craves MORE "emotional Openness" and the other does NOT, and this is a ROADBLOCK, it causes suspicion, insecurities in the other spouse even.....In the majority of these cases, more tansparency IS the medicine needed to heal those emotional wounds or calm those insecurities.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

im our marriage, my wife and i try to be as transparent as possible. unfortunatley though, there is a large part of my life that i can never discuss with her...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

As'laDain said:


> im our marriage, my wife and i try to be as transparent as possible. unfortunatley though, there is a large part of my life that i can never discuss with her...


You say "unfortunately". Out of pure curiosity ....WHY? 

Is it that you desire to -but just know she will not be able to handle the "the openness" or she has no want to go to those places, she likes things (the past, whatever) kept where it lies . 

There is saying ..."If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to". 

Crikey mUm!: Is Honesty The Best Policy Even If You Don't Like The Answer?

7 Lies Men Tell Women | Reader's Digest

This sounds like a good book exploring this subject ... Amazon.com: Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage (9780312262389): Ellyn Bader, Peter T. Pearson, Judith Schwartz .....it speaks about 4 marital stages....

* The Honeymoon*
* Emerging Differences*
*Freedom*, and *
Together as Two*....and how deception interferes with development in each of the stages


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

its nothing like that, i have a top secret security clearance and discussing 90% of what i do for a living would violate opsec and probably land me in prison for the rest of my natural life. its disheartening sometimes when i come home and my wife asks how my day was and all i can really say is "long".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

As'laDain said:


> its nothing like that, i have a top secret security clearance and discussing 90% of what i do for a living would violate opsec and probably land me in prison for the rest of my natural life. its disheartening sometimes when i come home and my wife asks how my day was and all i can really say is "long".


Well then that is completely unrelated to all of this then !!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

yeah, i just wish sometimes i could tell her where i really go and what i do during the weeks that i leave home for no apparent reason other than "duty calls". my job really isnt all that glamorous, its just hush hush.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I fit the characteristics of an introvert, and i discovered that I probably appear to have secrets sometimes when i really don't, I just don't blab about everything. I relate to the title "Rebel Without a Cause;" I like privacy without a cause; i don't need it, I just like it. I'm the type who likes talking on the phone in a quiet area, away from everyone, and I've probably been known to click the computer screen down when someone walked into the room, but I wasn't looking at anything stronger than a classic tv show site or a music site, I just don't like someone standing over my shoulder while I'm doing something or commenting as to why I like looking at that so much. 

i didn't talk about my job much, so overall, I'm just not much of a communicator. Why? I don't know. Maybe Dr. Phil could answer that. I feel like I'm a good, decent guy. If I was the worst guy in the world, things would probably be ok. But I guess I'm not much for a relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I fit the characteristics of an introvert, and i discovered that I probably appear to have secrets sometimes when i really don't, I just don't blab about everything. I relate to the title "Rebel Without a Cause;" I like privacy without a cause; i don't need it, I just like it. I'm the type who likes talking on the phone in a quiet area, away from everyone, and I've probably been known to click the computer screen down when someone walked into the room, but I wasn't looking at anything stronger than a classic tv show site or a music site, I just don't like someone standing over my shoulder while I'm doing something or commenting as to why I like looking at that so much.
> 
> i didn't talk about my job much, so overall, I'm just not much of a communicator. Why? I don't know. Maybe Dr. Phil could answer that. I feel like I'm a good, decent guy. If I was the worst guy in the world, things would probably be ok. But I guess I'm not much for a relationship.




Ya know SouthBound, I used to feel you sounded so much like my husband, him also being an "introverted Loner" .......... but as I have learned -even they can be *WORLDS* apart...just by your words here. My husband is terribly different than you... he WANTS & craves his wife's attention, in fact he says the years where I wasn't probing him as much, showing abounding interest (I was too into our kids & projects), asking him every day about his job /the guys... is when he felt the most "distanced from me" -He even told me he felt less LOVED.  And I was oblivious to his feeling this way, as he didn't talk to me about it. 

He agrees he needs someone to "pull things out of him"....that works for him, brings ALIVE his personality. And I am an magnificent "puller". I have even joked with him on occasion had he been married to a more independent woman, he might as well shoot himself in the head, cause he would have been severely depressed within -while trying to put on a happy face. He agrees. 

His temperment is ISFJ & he thrives on being NEEDED, this fills him up & gives him purpose. And since I love to be "all over him" - well this makes for 2 happy pigs in mudd. 

*Back to you.....I would not say you aren't cut out for a relationship, just a very different kind of relationship that will mesh with your personality - Not one so entangled as this is purely *"*pressure*" *to you ...as for others, it can be a JOY. If you have read any of the posts on this thread, the majority would not want or crave the openess I talk about in my own marriage. Everyone IS different, and it is OK.* 

I would say...in meeting new women, the best TYPE for you would be ....very independent who had her own hobbies to busy herself, conversation was not what drives her & of a calm phlegmatic temperment. I think anything else would get under your skin. I would be your worst nightmare ! ha ha (I don't annoy friends, but yeah, the husband gets the brunt of my wild enthusiasm!)

I recall your wife being from what you described a loud boisterous family that annoyed you many times but she wasn't like this (or appeared to be ??) .... also she chased after you, and eventually "won" you. I can not help but wonder...if she realized early on , in order to keep you, she needed to wear "*a mask*" concealing much of who she is deep within, fearing you would feel about her as you do about her loud family....or as many women do...they go along feeling LOVE can conquer all & they can "change" their men after the wedding, molding him into her own desires. (never wise!) PLus we are all blinded by that HoneyMoon Phase. I am sure you showed her much more attention back then. 

I think you also said your wife was depressed. Now I am going to be honest here..... IF my husband was like what you described in this paragragh, it would depress ME. It would feel like "rejection" to have him not want me to come over to him & ask about what he is doing, what he is watching, I would have a SINCERE desire to be *invited into his world *by him, to someone like myself --this is a GIVING of themselves...

You know when you are a "burden" to someone, you can just "feel it" - no words necessary. This could slowly shut a person down, causing a slow festering resentment even. 

I would also say...if all of this was at work (only assuming of coarse) .....I can see how this could lead to *insecurities* in her as well. 

I praise my husband because I feel what he gives me - his whole self, desiring of my attention .....has lifted my spirits, even made me a more SECURE woman, never feeling rejected , or invading his space, that I was asking too much or wanting too much from him. It is like I said in your last thread - this is a NEED for me in a marraige, some may find it "minor" but to others it could be a "major". ..... I doubt I am alone in such things - even if some women may not be able to put it all into words . 

And speaking of worse men.... I would seriously choose a Brawlish man who argued to the cows came home who wanted my attention -when the fighting was done --- over what you described, so this is 1 example of how people truly are different in what brings them happiness. I could so much "easier" overlook that. But another woman would think I am out of my mind! 

See -even in this thing about willing transparency, it is seriously VITAL to be matched with what we ARE, so hurt feelings do not result. Many Many Many women suffer from *insecurities* because their men are more "distant" (even if not intentional)... they internally take this as a rejection - of them, they would fare better with a "needier" man. 

I can't help but throw in your "Blabbing" reference .......Some men may find it "blabbing" (you are not alone in this!!) .....but to others, like my husband ..... he sees it more as "love, me wanting to be a part of him". Crazy world, isn't it ! 

We all march to a Different Drummer, it helps, in marriage .... to be in the same band!! 

"Rebel without a Cause" -great great movie -James Dean -amazing talent, but I felt "East of Eden" was his masterpeice .


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There are many reasons why it can never be practiced.... one is - the majority EXPECT near perfection from their spouses. This is a grave grave error. Another is the shaking fear of vulnerability, we want no part of it.
> Quote:
> "Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” Mother Theresa


This works well if you’re like Mother Theresa and feel you have nothing to lose. No matter what happened to her it didn’t matter. Most people aren’t like that. They ARE bothered about what happens.



> One thing I have always been with my husband is ....terribly HONEST, there was an Untempered openness there..... In my youth, I was more apt to be on the rude side to remain true -over tactfully lying to save face, thankfully I have learned some grace with my words over the years.


Like the sergeant who asked a man on parade whether he cleaned his teeth with horsesh*t or his mouth smelt like that on its own



> We do this.....because we LOVE & RESPECT our spouses, We throw away the excuses, no grass growing under our feet, we REFUSE to go the easy way of "hiding". ...... Never Never Never underestimate the power of Secrets, it is the beginning of every Slippery Slope that leads to the death of something that once was "beautiful".


But there’s the thing. A lot of people have spouses who are like Tom Cruise: they “Can’t HANDLE the truth”, to quote Jack N.



> Both partners must fully acknowledge :
> 
> Temptations can befall ANYONE -look at the rate of infidelity, many who feel it could never happen to them- eat those words. We must be realistic, understanding human nature, even it's darker side, the heart can be SELFISH at times, wanting it's own. We, as well as our spouses, are capable of doing/saying CARELESS things, even for attention, a little excitement, our egos, having weak moments, overspending on impulse, we are also capable of verbal venom when HURT or just plain frustrated. What else is new under the sun. If you are above all of this, you are a rare person indeed. I, for one, am not.
> 
> But yet...we are damned determined, despite all of these unfavorable things about ourselves ......to do right by our spouse, chasing after a clear conscience -because we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror every day. For those with integrity, this is a MUST.


This is all well and good, but I’m sure there are a lot of people, both men and women, who won’t tell their partner something like “Hey, you know what? I get really turned on over the idea of oral sex / anal sex / bondage / exhibitionism / whatever”. Why? Because they are fairly sure the idea won’t get a “Hey wow, me too!” or a polite “No thanks”, but a total sh*t fit and their partner telling them how depraved / degraded / revolting they think the idea is. But they don’t stop finding the idea of trying <whatever> appealing. So they can be transparent and never hear the end of it, or keep schtumm. And guess which most people do?

A lot of people cannot handle and do not want to think about their partner seeing other people as attractive or enjoying practices they don't. Never mind the person telling them, it makes the LISTENER feel bad or insecure. Hence the listener reacts by making the person telling the truth feel bad. "How dare you exhibit human weakness! I don't appear to, why should you?" or "I find those things wrong - you don't match my apparent moral position".



> Even on my husbands end, with my probing questions, he has admitted things to me -that would have the majority of wives SLAP him & never live the comment down. Not me! I want that raw honesty ! It is just "our way", this has served us very well over the last 30 yrs of being side by side, we even revel in the ball & chain.


Exactly! It works for YOU! The majority of wives, by your own admission who make his life miserable on a permanent basis. It would add to the pot of resentment she carries around, put another tool in the box to use against him, provide another piece of “failure” to drag out to show what a disappointment he is (nb: he/ she can be substituted freely here!)



> It has only strengthened our bond. We would never trade these things! For us , it has always been near 100% transparency. Sometimes I even wonder if it is too much for him, he says No, tells me I am one in a million, because of how high that honesty bar is- max overload. ha ha.


Truth is like Tabasco sauce – some people can’t stand too much of it.



> But again, that doesn't mean I don't screw up! Ya know, it is funny, Most people are worried about allowing their spouses to see their threads here -fear of judgment & the Dog House. In our case, I would have more fear of posters Judging me -over my own husband !! Now if that is not a silly notion, I am not sure what is. But that is our life!


Because a lot of spouses would regard their partner posting here and asking for advice as being a negative comment on THEM. That is a husband is here asking how to improve his sex life, his wife regards this as being an insult to her. If a wife asks why her husband can be more demonstrative / manly / whatever, he sees it as a betrayal that she has even asked. Posting here is exposing private problems that one partner doesn’t want to address to public view. Honesty and transparency aren’t popular because the recipient of the truth doesn’t want to hear that they’re a crap lover without an imaginative bone in their body, or that they are cold and unloving, or couldn’t run a bath never mind a budget or whatever.




> How is Transparency handled in your own marriage?? Please post your thougths, your own stories . Do you desire more transparency, does a spouse bother you because they want more than you care to give ?
> 
> It is a subject I don't feel is talked about near enough but likely the largest preventative medicine to a healthy marriage.


Own phones are password-locked, but we know each other’s passwords, ditto emails, logins etc. Our work-issued mobiles are locked and we don’t know the codes etc (ditto my works laptop) because that’s a condition of their being issued to us. There’s bits from my Army days I haven’t told her because they’re protected by the Official Secrets Act(s), and obviously she doesn’t discuss patients she sees in her job. Otherwise if there’s stuff we don’t tell one another it’s largely because it’s so utterly banal we worry the other will run screaming with boredom if we do!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

stritle said:


> i think this is and always will be a fault of mine. i lack any desire to be 100% transparent in my actions, thoughts, or anything else.
> my phone is locked, not because there is anything bad on it. it's company policy.
> my computers are locked, not because there is anything bad on them, i just don't like people using my stuff.
> i don't share true feelings as i think it's not worth hurting peoples feelings when my opinion of them isn't that great.


Well Stritle, It is not like we go around and let people know we don't like them. I generally like most people, I can appreciate the differences. But when someone asks me a question, I really don't lie... I will creatively brace them for the answer and use a little humor -generally. 

For instance - I have this Great Aunt, she is the wife of a Preacher, went to her house one day, she was playing this music for me (mind you our age differences is like 40 yrs)...well it is simply not my taste at all (organs & such)...then they asked me if I liked it ..... 

I answered something like this ....."It is beautiful , it really is -and I thank you for sharing - but you realize we are generations apart, us younger wilder people are kinda into the whole drums guitars & clapping type stuff, musical tastes are so very varied ... it's funny, if you even heard a few seconds of my older son's christian Rock tunes, you might think you was in HELL - they even call it "christian death metal", and the stuff I like you might want to plug your ears or run out out the door". I generally get a little laugher out of that & some talk about the younger generation being crazy. 

So the message gets across, I am not insulting what they like, plus it is interesting to learn of others , but still ....musical tastes are "just different" ... I am sure I will be mindful when I am 80 yrs old that my grandchildren will not like my music. Of coarse I can't think of anything more louder or faster than Death metal ! And I am not into Rap either, but I understand that is the thing today -for them. But if they ask me if I like it, I am not going to lie, I would probably make fun of it, kids can handle that. My husband tells my one son if they play that too loud, he is going to throw the radio out the window. 

That would be my type of honesty. It doesn't get me put in the dog box much at all . People generally appreciate honesty --if you can appreciate THEM at the same time, that lowers the rudeness factor while still maintaining authenticity.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Truth is like Tabasco sauce – some people can’t stand too much of it.


Sawney : Too funny your choice of words here ... .... one of our closest friends said of me & my husband one day ..... he is the “Perfectly timed non-chalant dry humored saltine cracker” ...and guess what I am ....... “*a cup of hot tobasco sauce*"....this is coming from my debate partner, we enjoy playing devil's advocate & basically assulting each other with how we honestly think.... He has even joked that he is a masochist cause he keeps coming back for more. 

Just funny that you said that !


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> This works well if you’re like Mother Theresa and feel you have nothing to lose. No matter what happened to her it didn’t matter. Most people aren’t like that. They ARE bothered about what happens.


 *In marriage *it can be a little rough - but so worth it if 2 sincerely want to go there. 

*In friendship*, it helps you learn who your REAL friends are, I will take a little rejection so I won't have to wear a mask around people. Rejection is a part of life, not everyone is going to like us. 
*
In the workplace*, yeah, best to keep our mouths shut, do our job & keep the peace if the paycheck is relied upon. 




> This is all well and good, but I’m sure there are a lot of people, both men and women, who won’t tell their partner something like “Hey, you know what? I get really turned on over the idea of oral sex / anal sex / bondage / exhibitionism / whatever”. Why? Because they are fairly sure the idea won’t get a “Hey wow, me too!” or a polite “No thanks”, but a total sh*t fit and their partner telling them how depraved / degraded / revolting they think the idea is. But they don’t stop finding the idea of trying <whatever> appealing. So they can be transparent and never hear the end of it


 and to this I say..... what a shame. We should be able to express and talk openly about any desire we have -it should at least be a goal in commuication to get to such a place -without the other taking offense or never letting you live it down. 

I wanted my husband to be more aggressive with me for a time, I can't say I got what I wanted exactly but he was not offended I wanted "more" from him. Now there were a few times I got pretty angry at him & even put him down in my lusty irritation, he let me know that was NOT going to achieve what I was after! 

...hurting him like that doesn't do me any favors either, I hate myself for going there, so each time I would go OUT OF MY WAY to make it up to him. He KNEW I meant it deeply, he could feel it, see it in my eyes & it was over, buried -never to be revisited again. 

Don't ever let these parts slip (for those times we do lose our temper -say too much)..... even IF our spouses are still angry, we NEED to make it RIGHT from our end , regardless of how they may react, they will come around - eventually -if they feel your heart. 

This is one area MANY are not going far enough in, when you screw up.....to be humble in honest apology. When this is not given, resentment will slowly fester. 

Stop Being Offended; Have A Happy Marriage - Tropics Magazine




> A lot of people cannot handle and do not want to think about their partner seeing other people as attractive or enjoying practices they don't. Never mind the person telling them, it makes the LISTENER feel bad or insecure. Hence the listener reacts by making the person telling the truth feel bad. "How dare you exhibit human weakness! I don't appear to, why should you?" or "I find those things wrong - you don't match my apparent moral position".


 And sometimes hyper morality can be a big hinderance to transparency if one spouse is and one spouse isn't... best to marry what we are, or darn close & hope neither changes after the wedding (in the hyper sense I mean)! 

This is what I have noticed in life ..... if you ain't no sinner in the sexually minded department (which many fine people are-the majority have fantasies they wouldn't dare share with thier spouses)--you can bet your bottom dallor you are a terrible sinner in the "judgement of others" department. I am thankful my husband is not overly moral , as it gives us more freedom to talk openly about many things -without fear or him looking down on me. I would never trade such things. 

This is how I look at this.... If we have the freedom to notice the opposite sex, even talk to them, instead of shielding our eyes or giving a cold shoulder to a co-worker, and your heart still wants your wife or husband at the end of each day, with such freedom - what a treasure this is ! 

So what if I look up & down at the hot guy on the beach who looks like a young rockin' Axle Rose, so what if he momentarily gawks at someone dressed like Lady Gaga, I am going to be looking too! I'll squeeze his butt & give him a kiss after I am done looking at Axle & he'll sweet talk me a little after looking at Gaga telling me she can't hold a candle to me in his heart....it's all good. I think there is a saying...."You can look, but Don't drool !!" The Drooling would be "disrespectful" , not the looking....this is how I feel . 

I think the majority of us are people watchers anyway. Makes life a little more interesting. Nobody is going to take that away from me, they may silence it -out of shame -but my thoughts ain't going to stop.. and neither is his. 




> Exactly! It works for YOU! The majority of wives, by your own admission who make his life miserable on a permanent basis. It would add to the pot of resentment she carries around, put another tool in the box to use against him, provide another piece of “failure” to drag out to show what a disappointment he is (nb: he/ she can be substituted freely here!)


 You know it is tough, did the husband do things in the past to make the wife insecure, has he ever outrightly flirted or stepped over a line in the marraige, was it heartfully resolved? If not , that needs worked on 1st.

If none of these things even happened, it would be a shame for a spouse to make the other miserable or carry resentment over something building in her head, taking a pea & making a mountain out of it. Some really need to work on their oversensitive traits even, as it likely hurts them in other areas of life, not just in marriage. 

Listening & withholding judgement is a GIFT to give our spouses, these things will only draw them closer to us. Effective Listening Skills for Couples | StrengthenYourRelationship.com 

How to Fight Fair in Marriage



> Because a lot of spouses would regard their partner posting here and asking for advice as being a negative comment on THEM. That is a husband is here asking how to improve his sex life, his wife regards this as being an insult to her. If a wife asks why her husband can be more demonstrative / manly / whatever, he sees it as a betrayal that she has even asked. Posting here is exposing private problems that one partner doesn’t want to address to public view. Honesty and transparency aren’t popular because the recipient of the truth doesn’t want to hear that they’re a crap lover without an imaginative bone in their body, or that they are cold and unloving, or couldn’t run a bath never mind a budget or whatever.


 Sawney, I know I know I know, what is the answer .... I'm trying with this thread. Anyone that near thinks they are so perfect that they are the end all and has arrived where they no longer can improve on SOMETHING in their marriage, well that is not a healthy place to be. We can all do something better , work on something. 

It would make it all so much easier If only..... both partners would learn TO ASK EACH OTHER what *they *can do, on their end, to please the other.... listen carefully... then do their best to walk in it. That way we wouldn't have to look so bad by coming to the other and having them feel we are being critical. But you know, IT TAKES 2 !! 

Yeah, I know... this is utopia .




> Otherwise if there’s stuff we don’t tell one another it’s largely because it’s so utterly anal we worry the other will run screaming with boredom if we do!


 Sure us too, he doesn't tell me what he welds every day at work, mostly just the entertaining tid bits with the guys. 

I have this GF, she got this job in a bolt factory, she wanted to explain every fine detail of the making of these bolts one night at our house, it was unrelenting, I started yawning, thinking Oh my Lord, I do not want to hear all of this! I did get enough boldness to warn her when she gets a date to NOT talk about these things.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> and to this I say..... what a shame. We should be able to express and talk openly about any desire we have -it should at least be a goal in commuication to get to such a place -without the other taking offense or never letting you live it down.
> 
> I wanted my husband to be more aggressive with me for a time, I can't say I got what I wanted exactly but he was not offended I wanted "more" from him. Now there were a few times I got pretty angry at him & even put him down in my lusty irritation, he let me know that was NOT going to achieve what I was after!


Yep. 


> And sometimes hyper morality can be a big hinderance to transparency if one spouse is and one spouse isn't... best to marry what we are, or darn close & hope neither changes after the wedding (in the hyper sense I mean)!
> 
> This is what I have noticed in life ..... if you ain't no sinner in the sexually minded department (which many fine people are-the majority have fantasies they wouldn't dare share with thier spouses)--you can bet your bottom dallor you are a terrible sinner in the "judgement of others" department. I am thankful my husband is not overly moral , as it gives us more freedom to talk openly about many things -without fear or him looking down on me. I would never trade such things.


It isn't just hyper morality. It's a defence against their own embarrassment / inability / lack of courage. Like when kids are playing and they ask another to join in, and they get the sneering reply "Nah, that's just so uncool". As often this is a cover for the inability of the person being asked to do what is being offered, and to provide a defence from looking like a total gonk when everyone sees they can't.

"How dare you want oral sex!" might derive from morality, or just just as easily from "I don't have a clue what to do, and if you don't get off you'll think I'm a crap lover or I'll die of embarrassment when you laugh at how inept / inexperienced / clumsy I am".



> This is how I look at this.... If we have the freedom to notice the opposite sex, even talk to them, instead of shielding our eyes or giving a cold shoulder to a co-worker, and your heart still wants your wife or husband at the end of each day, with such freedom - what a treasure this is !
> 
> So what if I look up & down at the hot guy on the beach who looks like a young rockin' Axle Rose, so what if he momentarily gawks at someone dressed like Lady Gaga, I am going to be looking too! I'll squeeze his butt & give him a kiss after I am done looking at Axle & he'll sweet talk me a little after looking at Gaga telling me she can't hold a candle to me in his heart....it's all good. I think there is a saying...."You can look, but Don't drool !!" The Drooling would be "disrespectful" , not the looking....this is how I feel .
> 
> I think the majority of us are people watchers anyway. Makes life a little more interesting. Nobody is going to take that away from me, they may silence it -out of shame -but my thoughts ain't going to stop.. and neither is his.


Like I said, added to the moral view there's the comparison - if he/she looks at someone else, they're comparing, and I'll be found wanting because I'm not like them... 



> You know it is tough, did the husband do things in the past to make the wife insecure, has he ever outrightly flirted or stepped over a line in the marraige, was it heartfully resolved? If not , that needs worked on 1st.


It takes both people to move on, not just one. A fulsome apology is only useful_ if _it's accepted. If stuff is forgiven but not forgotten, it usually isn't really forgiven. It's like "trust, but verify". If you trust, you don't _need_ to verify. If you have to verify, you _aren't_ trusting.



> If none of these things even happened, it would be a shame for a spouse to make the other miserable or carry resentment over something building in her head, taking a pea & making a mountain out of it. Some really need to work on their oversensitive traits even, as it likely hurts them in other areas of life, not just in marriage.


Everyone laughed at Donald Rumsfeld when he said you go to war with the army you have. You're married to the partner you have, with all the problems they have. The difference is that if Rumpo said "As of today, the army is changing", then the army changed, because he was able to MAKE them change, and if he said sh*t, every set of trousers dropped and people started grunting. In a marriage, only the other person can change themself. Only they can decide to stop being oversensitive, to bend their morality, develop self-confidence or whatever. You can support them, but they have to do it. 



> Listening & withholding judgement is a GIFT to give our spouses, these things will only draw them closer to us. Effective Listening Skills for Couples | StrengthenYourRelationship.com
> 
> How to Fight Fair in Marriage


Fighting fair is over-rated!



> Sawney, I know I know I know, what is the answer .... I'm trying with this thread. Anyone that near thinks they are so perfect that they are the end all and has arrived where they no longer can improve on SOMETHING in their marriage, well that is not a healthy place to be. We can all do something better , work on something.
> 
> It would make it all so much easier If only..... both partners would learn TO ASK EACH OTHER what *they *can do, on their end, to please the other.... listen carefully... then do their best to walk in it. That way we wouldn't have to look so bad by coming to the other and having them feel we are being critical. But you know, IT TAKES 2 !!


But that would reflect on the asker - they would find that they weren't perfect, or had to do something they didn't like or weren't any good at and that would make them feel bad. And we can't have that, can we? Those with a moral straitjacket, poor self-confidence or a belief that their partner should be grateful to get what they do, never mind want more, are not going to threaten themselves by doing this. This would have to come AFTER, not before, they dealt with those issues.

[/QUOTE]


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SA, how does one reconcile full transparency with a spouses need/want of space. Are transparency and a desire for space mutually exclusive? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Bad News said:


> SA, how does one reconcile full transparency with a spouses need/want of space. Are transparency and a desire for space mutually exclusive?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BN,

I think it's more the fact that "sufficient" transparency is very different between different people, and the problem(s) arise when someone who needs total transparency and feels offended if you don't repeat verbatim everything you said to everyone all day long is with someone who is happier with a compartmentised life. It's like high versus low sex drive: neither is a problem in itself, just when you get extremes together.

In that sense "transparency" is almost a symptom: when it's a problem, transparency isn't the problem itself: the problem is lack of trust, lack of perceived privacy / personal space, shyness, moralising.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bad News, I think Sawney explained that way better than I could have ... how true it is that someone more Open -by nature (like myself) may marry someone more "closed" or wants his or her own privacy. I also feel it is a matter of not being offended by that, just coming to understand they are wired a little different.... it is not an assult on us. 

This doesn't mean we should Question thier TRUST even - *IF *our spouses have shown themselves to be trustworty over the years, never to have been caught in a lie. 

For me.... Past history & character is something I would look at much more so & how I was treated every day over them wanting a little privacy of their own...most people DO ! Me & mine are a little over the top, but again it has just "flowed" this way for us, it was NEVER about a lack of trust, on either of our parts -ever. 

I talked to him about "the Cave" one day as most men NEED their "Cave time" -which is "private time" away from the wife, the kids, etc. He said to me ..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it". I am sure it helps I don't annoy him. Even John Gray , Relationship Expert who wrote "Men are from Mars & women are from Venus" , would say he is an enigma among men.

We can't "force" our spouses to BE this if it is something they don't feel is necessary or want to do -it all comes back to that "willingness" and thier personalities also. Forcing it just won't work! 

So like anything else in marraige, we need to come to accept their way of being. If we are concerned ......evaluate if it is just their character from the get go , and not be offended ....or has something "changed".....intuition helps here ....There are signs to look for....

How To Tell if Your Spouse is Lying -- Ways to Spot a Liar

Signs Your Partner Is Lying To You | Bust A Cheating Partner

And of coarse, the obvious....


> *A sudden need for privacy*.
> 
> If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> So like anything else in marraige, we need to come to accept their way of being. If we are concerned ......evaluate if it is just their character from the get go , and not be offended ....or has something "changed".....intuition helps here ....There are signs to look for....
> 
> How To Tell if Your Spouse is Lying -- Ways to Spot a Liar
> 
> ...


So does asking for space have to equate to suspicious behavior (lying, cheating/infidelity)? It almost sounds as though you've been talking with my wife!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bad News said:


> So does asking for space have to equate to suspicious behavior (lying, cheating/infidelity)? It almost sounds as though you've been talking with my wife!


No such talk whatsoever Bad News ..... I don't think it always means that ....Why is the asking something NEW ? 

Many people LIKE "some space" , some down time, many are not "people people", they get rejuvinated when they get off alone-have their own quiet private time, if that is what you mean. Whether it is how they are raised, part of their personalities, part of how they have been hurt in the past by another , a combination of these, I don't know, but they are surely not all doing something wrong. 

But in case they are.... that is why I gave those links... since there are signs to look for in anothers behavior. 

I just try to be thorough when I answer - as others read these replies & it could relate to anyone. I know virutally nothing about you & yours in regard to where you have been in your relationship


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> It isn't just hyper morality. It's a defence against their own embarrassment / inability / lack of courage. Like when kids are playing and they ask another to join in, and they get the sneering reply "Nah, that's just so uncool". As often this is a cover for the inability of the person being asked to do what is being offered, and to provide a defence from looking like a total gonk when everyone sees they can't.


 I enjoy your dissection of these things... I am sure this is very very true!! Human nature doesn't like to look upon itself as inadequate, not measuring up to our peers, so we hide again, start covering up in creative ways to put it on someone else, so we don't look so bad. 

If I have done this in my youth, it was rare--even as a kid, I never put anyone down for something I couldn't do or thought I would suck at -which was a fair # of things, I was never into sports (except some gymnastics in grade school), I wasn't a cheerleader, a brain in school, or popular. I often DID feel 
inadequate though in comparison and put on SHYNESS as my front, but never was I the type to put another down, I hated kids like that, considered them all idiots, it was very obvious they were jealous. I was even jealous, but I didn't cover it with BS. 

I just outright admitted ..... "I suck at this but I wish I could do it like you"! Or ask how do they do that.... That was my attitude...a curisoity, eagerness to learn -if I truly was, or walk away knowing it was not my "cup of tea". When I was jealous, I would even admit it saying "I hate people like you!! " -with a smile of course .




> "How dare you want oral sex!" might derive from morality, or just just as easily from "I don't have a clue what to do, and if you don't get off you'll think I'm a crap lover or I'll die of embarrassment when you laugh at how inept / inexperienced / clumsy I am".


 A friend gave me this book a long time ago Amazon.com: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (9780449902929): Susan Jeffers: Books How do you we get better at anything if we don't try. 

All about "*attitude*" again. Positive Attitude Tips - For Positive Thinking Permanently



> It takes both people to move on, not just one. A fulsome apology is only useful_ if _it's accepted. If stuff is forgiven but not forgotten, it usually isn't really forgiven. It's like "trust, but verify". If you trust, you don't _need_ to verify. If you have to verify, you _aren't_ trusting.


 Always takes 2, Heck, if I was matched with someone who couldn't forgive me & allow such hurts to be lost in the ocean never to be washed to shore again. Hell, my own marriage would be drowning. I have made more blunders & things to be forgiven for over him by a LONG shot.... what a blessing to have a partner who can "accept" me and move on. I do greatly sympathize with others who do not have this. It is like being STUCK... you can't move ahead knowing they look upon you with all the "stains" of yesterday. 

We accually never Verify. Neither has felt a reason too. Well -I take that back, years ago in my "religous" days, I knew he would sneak Playboy bunnys & save them in folders , I would occasionally check his computer , he never tried to hide them too well, then I would sit there fuming deleting all of this. I am not sure he ever outright promised me he wouldn't do it again, but he would get an earful how I didn't like it , I even remember crying once over it . (I just didn't get the visual male sex drive back then)

But he would always fall back into wanting to go there feasting his eyes on these women, but heck, I was sexually "colder" back then too, I would go to bed late - then find myself in the mood at 2am & didn't want to wake him......then he was in the mood in the am & I was sleeping & he didn't want to wake me! ...if we were both more selfish going for what we wanted - we would have had ALOT more sex ! Rediculous looking back. 

So he would get revved up looking at those beauties while eating breakfast before work sometimes.... then come home to me- wanting some -only for me (on some of these occasions) to have scriptures on the computer screen!! Or I was just more grouchy cause I was missing this part of our marraige --needing more physical intimacy but not knowing what I needed !! -thinking it was more Prayer or something. 

Oh what a life, so much better NOW! He told me he never felt that guilty for it -cause he knew it was not hurting us, and I have to agree- in hindsight. I was more the problem than him. 



> But that would reflect on the asker - they would find that they weren't perfect, or had to do something they didn't like or weren't any good at and that would make them feel bad. And we can't have that, can we? Those with a moral straitjacket, poor self-confidence or a belief that their partner should be grateful to get what they do, never mind want more, are not going to threaten themselves by doing this. This would have to come AFTER, not before, they dealt with those issues.


I so agree, our self confidence will help make or break us in all areas of life....and our moral compass, if vastly "too prudish" against our spoues can cause much hurt within marraige...for very giving acts. 

How To Build Self Confidence In Adults

Twelve steps to self esteem - Newsletter December 2002



> *STEP 1*------
> Stop comparing yourself with others. There will always be some people who have more than you and some who have less.
> You are unique and your purpose is to express your uniqueness. Who can do that better than you?
> 
> ...


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

SimplyAmarous, WRITE THE DAMN BOOK!!!!:smthumbup: :smthumbup::smthumbup:
I'm always finding myself nodding my head like a bobble toy with the things you post!! 

I agree that even though some people aren't wired for 100% transparency, the way they think may even limit them even more.

For me, I think the problem is that I just speak what's on my mind and I expect that those around me would do the same...and when they don't I question why not (hmmm a little negative mind reading) 

Just like the horrid question..."whatcha think'n???" when I see a look of concern or frustration on someone's face. I'm initially not thinking what nasty thoughts are going through your mind...TELL ME NOW....but after the person says I don't want to share, or never mind,...then that pops into my head. Then it's why don't you want to tell me what's on your mind...what's really going on in there..why don't you want to share??? I will admit that is definitely a weakness of mine!!! 100% transparency is second nature for me and I guess I can't expect that of those around me....especially the hubby! He thinks me questioning him is me interrogating him...which probably ends up that way when I don't get a response (a complete response). Half of our problems result from lack of communication or miscommunications, and negative mind reading based on the lack of actual communication. 

I guess if both were more confident I wouldn't ask as much and he wouldn't mind telling as much?!?!?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I enjoy your dissection of these things... I am sure this is very very true!!


Thanks!


> I often DID feel
> inadequate though in comparison and put on SHYNESS as my front, but never was I the type to put another down, I hated kids like that, considered them all idiots, it was very obvious they were jealous. I was even jealous, but I didn't cover it with BS.
> 
> I just outright admitted ..... "I suck at this but I wish I could do it like you"! Or ask how do they do that.... That was my attitude...a curisoity, eagerness to learn -if I truly was, or walk away knowing it was not my "cup of tea". When I was jealous, I would even admit it saying "I hate people like you!! " -with a smile of course .


When you start in martial arts, you're left in no doubt that you know nothing - that you are ignorant. At the same time, if your teacher is any good he or she will stress that once, they were like that too. They weren't born knowing what they know, they learned and learned the same way you are. When ignorance is treated like a reason for scorn, problems start. I think in some cases it can only take one incident of smug superiority to put someone off trying new things for life.



> How do you we get better at anything if we don't try?


Ah, but there's the rub! People don't want anyone to think that they actually _need _to get better at anything! If you're perfect, where is the room for improvement?



> what a blessing to have a partner who can "accept" me and move on. I do greatly sympathize with others who do not have this. It is like being STUCK... you can't move ahead knowing they look upon you with all the "stains" of yesterday.


I like the "stains" analogy. If they can paint you black, then their own problems can be buried. THere's also the power position: if you can beat down on someone because of what they've done wrong, if they let you it gives you a power over them. Lots of people will want to keep that power. If you truly forgive, it means giving up whatever the other person did as a stick to beat them with. 



> We accually never Verify. Neither has felt a reason too. Well -I take that back, years ago in my "religous" days, I knew he would sneak Playboy bunnys & save them in folders , I would occasionally check his computer , he never tried to hide them too well, then I would sit there fuming deleting all of this.


Coming from a more religious background, did the idea of "trust but verify" ring strange with you? Sort of like, "have faith, but ask for the evidence"? Faith exists in the absence of evidence, and trust in the absence of verification. 



> I so agree, our self confidence will help make or break us in all areas of life....and our moral compass, if vastly "too prudish" against our spoues can cause much hurt within marraige...for very giving acts.
> 
> How To Build Self Confidence In Adults
> 
> Twelve steps to self esteem - Newsletter December 2002


Again, the biggest thing is admitting that self-confidence is a problem. Why would you? Then YOU have to do some work. It's far easier to call your partner a sex maniac or a pervert than to work on yourself to have enough self confidence to ask for what you want, enjoy it and return the favour!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Coming from a more religious background, did the idea of "trust but verify" ring strange with you? Sort of like, "have faith, but ask for the evidence"? Faith exists in the absence of evidence, and trust in the absence of verification.


 Faith without evidence never worked too well for my Brain, I tried to make it work, I really did -but I never had peace with it. 

Though Religion has been a blessing to my life in many ways, keeping me from doing destructive things pretty much, helped me to "avoid" -- for me, it has also been a double edged sword of GUILT on the other end, when I couldn't walk the straight line I wanted too. When it comes to the supernatural beliefs (Heaven, Hell, salvation or be damned, Satan seeking whom he will devour)... It has never worked for me, been more of a CURSE. Reason is my friend, it saves my sanity. 

Even in my youth , I had many books on Cults, I was terribly intrigued to learn WHY man believed as he did....who is GOD, what is Truth....Is one religion "God Breathed" while all others are corrupt ? That was too easy, too black & white for me. ......I could NEVER rectify this within my mind. In fact it appeared EVIL to me, but I couldn't say that outloud. It didn't matter how many books I bought on hermeneutics, I was never satisfied with the answers. I was known for asking all the difficult atheistic questions at the Bible studies. 

In this thing called Religion, I need proof or I can't say I believe anything 100%. 

But that is different for me in marraige, I talk to my husband every day, we share our deepest everything ....when people say they do this with Jesus.... sorry, I kinda look at them a little strange, this just doesn't compute for me. That is so "supernatural". God has not found it necessary to give me that experience -even though I did pray for it at one time. Maybe I am too faithless -but I am cool with that. 

I'll never forget this one day, son had friends over, this one ....he was like 15 at the time, a Youth Pastors son, and he starts going on about how he wants Jesus to come back (The Rapture), he is ready right now, wishes it would happen like "tonight" , he was so enthusiastic about this. I overheard this conversation , went over & say to him........"Whoa whoa whoa ...Really????" I wanted to hear why he felt that way....he went on about how horrible this world is, all the sin, disease, sadness etc .... then I had my own little talking with him ...how this is not what I see....I mean life is beautiful , look around us, look at the trees, the green grass, look at your friends, look at your family, God has given us so much to ENJOY in the here & now, of course he couldn't disagree. 

Just floored me -he was so young ...thinking LIKE THAT, literally wishing to die & go to heaven. There was something seriously wrong with that picture. 

"Fundamentalism" in any form really disturbs me. It is the enemy of critical thinking .....which is something I happen to love too much.

Urban Dictionary: fundamentalist


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Faith and religion can be a double edged sword, I've seen faith lead my wife to become a better person, as well as being a horrid one over the years. In this area it seems my wife and I balanced each other out.

At times I feel all hell is breaking loose, I get stressed, get anxious, but then my wife reassures me everything will be ok, that she has faith. Even though I don't believe her logically, it's nice to know you have someone at your back, who isn't as stressed or anxious as you are.

At other times the missus starts floating with a big bubblehead. She gets foolish, stupified, and unrealistic, but then I come in and give her some sense of reason. And even though she has her faith, it turns out she does need some straight-headed input from time to time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> At times I feel all hell is breaking loose, I get stressed, get anxious, but then my wife reassures me everything will be ok, that she has faith. Even though I don't believe her logically, it's nice to know you have someone at your back, who isn't as stressed or anxious as you are.


 I guess the question is.... faith for what? Doesn't *reason *alone give us FAITH the sun will rise the next day, that we have friends & family who love us & are there for us in the bad times. That things generally work out no matter how far we may fall, resources are there to be utilized, doctors to see, etc, hope is on the horizen. 

One thing I do LOVE about church is the "fellowship" atmosphere, I just dislike that you have to agree with all their doctrines to belong! So when I am in their midst/ on thier ground, I just keep my mouth shut..... as I should. They wouldn't know I am any different from them anyway. But if they ask me a question, I won't lie -even if it makes me look bad. 

But it seems to me, take that away, someone with loads of "faith" who hasn't got friends & family or this fellowship, but only God -would not fare well in comparison to the Faithless who has much LOVE & companionship around him or her, regardless of belief. We all need PEOPLE. That is just my observation. Even my christian son can't argue with that one. 

I once seen a show on War Prisoners held in total isolation for months/years (I forget), they did not say it was thier "faith" that kept them alive, one survivor said it was the TAPPING he heard of the other prisoners around him in the cold darkness, it was the only thing that assured him he was not alone, there was a "connection to life", THIS gave him hope for each day, kept him hanging on. Isn't that what it's all about...really?


> At other times the missus starts floating with a big bubblehead. She gets foolish, stupified, and unrealistic, but then I come in and give her some sense of reason. And even though she has her faith, it turns out she does need some straight-headed input from time to time.


We all do! 
My oldest son gave me a unique compliment last month, he let me know one of the greatest things I have ever done for him is ....*I challenge him to THINK *and he added ....had I been a Strict christian Mom, he would have missed that in his life, so he is very thankful I am what I am, and wouldn't change it. But of course he had to add the plug...he still wants me to find Jesus, he agrees with speaking against religion all the way, just not Jesus. Seems to work for him anyway! He is a very joyful person, almost like he is on happy pills, much enthusiam for life, It is so rare to see him upset, he is kind to everyone, a joy -kind of amazes me & his dad. But then we are awfully happy being religiously belief-less , so it's a quandary. To each what works for them.


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## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

I always thought transparency was the way to go, but my partner disagreed with me. He told me my openness dragged him down. I'm not a particularly negative person, but neither am I perfect. Still, he says that sharing too much makes it difficult for him to have energy for anything else. The funny thing is that I recently posted that I wanted to try and adjust to his needs, and since then, he has started complaining that I have become closed. He is also picking on me for little things. I have started to go numb. I know this isn't the direction I want to go in if I want to save this relationship. However, he will not go to counseling with me. Transparency may be touted as the best course, but it hasn't worked for me. Maybe it has more to do with my partner, but who knows?


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I would love to have this 100% transparency in our marriage that you, _SimplyAmorous_, and others here are talking about.

However, in our relationships there are two obstacles standing on our way to that: me and my partner.

We both want it and are afraid of it at the same time. Only in different ways.

I have grown up to think that I shouldn't share all my thoughts, dreams or wishes with anyone, that they will not be accepted and I will be rejected for them. I have and still am working on this, but some of it still remains. I have shared things with my husband that no one else knows, but I still find myself keeping some of my thoughts to myself. 

My husband has been hurt by cheating in past relationships and thus has asked for complete transparency. He has the password to my computer and could thus look at my email at anytime, although I know he never has. I tell him what I'm doing, who I'm writing to and what about, whenever he asks. 

But there is more in this. He himself is very secretive with his passwords and making sure I'm not looking especially when he logs into his financial accounts. This felt a bit weird to me at first, but I can accept it, although it makes me feel a bit bad that he would think he has to "protect" his money from me. Doesn't he know me enough to trust that I would never have any interest in stealing from him? Additionally, there are some emails and conversations with his family or friends, when talking about difficult feelings, that he doesn't want me to see over his shoulder or share what they talked about. That is perfectly fine, I don't always want that either. However, he feels very anxious if *I* would say that I don't want him to look. 

Additionally, he has at times gotten frustrated with my inability to talk about my thoughts and feelings and has requested me to work on this, which I have. However, then when I have talked about my feelings, expressed my difference in opinion or talked about my dreams for the future, he doesn't always receive them in the best way. Due to past experience he gets too insecure if I even hint that I thought some other man looked good. He has at times felt that my difference in opinion is an attack on him and he has gotten upset at me for "negating" him. At times he just get frustrated when I talk to him about what goes on in my head, because he has "too much on his mind" to listen to me.

I don't expect him to always want to be there to listen to me, and I don't expect him to always receive it the best way. But I guess I do expect, that since he is the one who has asked me to work on sharing more — he would try to *encourage* me to do so, not just get frustrated that I'm not doing it right (for him). I have tried to talk about this and tell him what would help me, but not much has changed yet. Him getting upset at me over things doesn't encourage me to share things with him. It makes me want to do it less.

My husband has talked to me before about sexual feelings towards other women and some other very intimate and things someone else could find very shocking. I have listened to him and talked to him about it. Those things, that to him are most difficult to listen to, to me are natural and he's welcome to share them with me. On the other hand I haven't always been good at listening to his needs or things he has hoped for me to do differently. These requests have sometimes seemed like attacks to me, and I haven't listen to them respectively. Also the way he has felt that I am "negating" his opinions, hasn't left him feeling safe to talk to me either.

The conclusion is, that I would like to have 100% transparency, but I would also like for him to prepared to receive what I have to share. He would like to have 100% transparency and also have me there to support what he has to share. At the moment I don't feel like that is happening. We both want it but are afraid of it in our own ways. 

I have tried to look up ways to improve our communication towards more acceptance and safety, but when I have suggested things to try out (having a set time to talk about our feelings or agreeing on "rules" for not interrupting, listening without judgement and accepting whatever one person has to say before offering our own view etc.) he hasn't agreed. He feels these would only be to help me learn to talk more openly, not for him. He feels that he already knows how to communicate. He just wants *me* to learn how to listen — and to talk. This feels unfair to me. 

I am working on improving *my* communication, self-esteem issues and building better boundaries. I am committed to improving my life. I cannot force my husband to change or to work on things of his own. I can be quite at peace with this thought. I guess it is just on me to improve myself and begin to enforce my boundaries. If he will not want to respect them, there is a chance we might not last. But at the moment I'm just committed to working on myself, remembering that I'm only responsible for my own happiness.

Unless someone has any better ideas to present?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tiredandout said:


> I have grown up to think that I shouldn't share all my thoughts, dreams or wishes with anyone, that they will not be accepted and I will be rejected for them. I have and still am working on this, but some of it still remains. I have shared things with my husband that no one else knows, but I still find myself keeping some of my thoughts to myself.


 As I hope I did justice in my long winded opening post...I didn't exactly put it like this... but I feel it takes 2 dedicated people who near WORSHIP Honesty and have abounding Trust of each other's motivations .....who can do this. It will be very lopsided if one is more controlling of the other or one dare expects "special treatment" (like it appears your husband does by your words) over what he needs to freely offer in return. 



> My husband has been hurt by cheating in past relationships and thus has asked for complete transparency. He has the password to my computer and could thus look at my email at anytime, although I know he never has. I tell him what I'm doing, who I'm writing to and what about, whenever he asks.
> 
> But there is more in this. He himself is very secretive with his passwords and making sure I'm not looking especially when he logs into his financial accounts. This felt a bit weird to me at first, but I can accept it, although it makes me feel a bit bad that he would think he has to "protect" his money from me. Doesn't he know me enough to trust that I would never have any interest in stealing from him? Additionally, there are some emails and conversations with his family or friends, when talking about difficult feelings, that he doesn't want me to see over his shoulder or share what they talked about. That is perfectly fine, I don't always want that either. However, he feels very anxious if *I* would say that I don't want him to look.


 Your husband is struggling with past wounds -bringing them into the marraige to some degree...his way is to have tight reign on what you do - so it seems, changing how it played out in his last relationship likely... this makes him feel "secure" -but his methods is more about a manufactured security. ... And he is not freely offering you what he demands for himself. It baffles me how others don't see this ..... setting you up to feel slighted.....beings he EXPECTS you to divulge all & have access, he chooses to hide, put a veil over what he is saying to family members (even though it is not important, why blatently cover it ), doing financially. Not sure about the financial. The only time I can see one spouse doing this is ... if the sole breadwinner is careful with $$, and the wife is a SAHM who is a spender that is putting the family in wreckless debt... and he has to put a reign on her spending, but still not sure why it has to be hidden. 



> then when I have talked about my feelings, expressed my difference in opinion or talked about my dreams for the future, he doesn't always receive them in the best way. Due to past experience he gets too insecure if I even hint that I thought some other man looked good. He has at times felt that my difference in opinion is an attack on him and he has gotten upset at me for "negating" him. At times he just get frustrated when I talk to him about what goes on in my head, because he has "too much on his mind" to listen to me.


 He is basically shutting you down here, he is speaking out of 2 sides of his mouth, his heart may think he wants the truth, Transparency in all things, but his immaturity can not handle what he is asking, his insecurities are destroying such a "gift" to give each other - setting you up for hurt. 

What you just described here is likely the biggest problem of marraiges who say they want it -but can not get past their own insecurities & offense in allowing it. Very common. 

How to overcome this... My answer .....a walk in vulnerabilty with each other .... that amazing emotionally bonded connection.....you know that you know that you know HE loves you & only wants you for life... and you know you love him and only want him for life.... an understanding of each others hearts so deep.......then all of this other stuff is very very small in comparison, even if you do notice another man, even if he glances at a hot young beauty walking out of the ocean, you will not be fearing he is turning that over in his mind that night -when he makes love to you. 

I did a thread on Vulnerability with an outline of a 20 minute video that is .....very very insightful http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html Watch that together possibly ??



> Him getting upset at me over things doesn't encourage me to share things with him. It makes me want to do it less.


 It is very natural you feel this way, we need to work with each other in this process, and bare with each other. 



> My husband has talked to me before about sexual feelings towards other women and some other very intimate and things someone else could find very shocking. I have listened to him and talked to him about it. Those things, that to him are most difficult to listen to, to me are natural and he's welcome to share them with me.


 IN this respect, I say kuddos to you TiredandOut :smthumbup: So you are approachable without offense , seeing such thoughts as normal, natural but he can not give you the same in return. 



> On the other hand I haven't always been good at listening to his needs or things he has hoped for me to do differently. These requests have sometimes seemed like attacks to me, and I haven't listen to them respectively. Also the way he has felt that I am "negating" his opinions, hasn't left him feeling safe to talk to me either.


 Appreciate your honesty in this part.... This is something *you* can work on ....Let me ask you, does he make you feel like he wants someone else- another woman when he opens up about his needs? If not, why be slighted...if he desires some new variety in the bedroom, some new techniques , some new spicing...but only wants this deeply & solely with his wife....in my opinion, there should be no offense taken. It is an opportunity to try new things, experiment with each other, we have a choice in how we respond to someone's honesty. 













> The conclusion is, that I would like to have 100% transparency, but I would also like for him to prepared to receive what I have to share. He would like to have 100% transparency and also have me there to support what he has to share. At the moment I don't feel like that is happening. We both want it but are afraid of it in our own ways.


 It seems to be less about Fear to me, and more about OFFENSE, your in his thoughts on sex... and his on everything else . 



> He feels these would only be to help me learn to talk more openly, not for him. He feels that he already knows how to communicate. He just wants *me* to learn how to listen — and to talk. This feels unfair to me.


 He is playing a haughty mule in this, feeling he has "arrived", not seeing the speck in his own eye but judging you....he needs some humility. 



> I am working on improving *my* communication, self-esteem issues and building better boundaries. I am committed to improving my life. I cannot force my husband to change or to work on things of his own. I can be quite at peace with this thought. I guess it is just on me to improve myself and begin to enforce my boundaries. If he will not want to respect them, there is a chance we might not last. But at the moment I'm just committed to working on myself, remembering that I'm only responsible for my own happiness.


 It has to start with the seeker.....hopefully by your example, he will want to follow suit. Work on his sexual needs that he has expressed to you... this is so often the way to a man's heart & soul, near nothing makes them feel "more loved" by their wives -than our desire. The less frustrated they are, the more open & receptive they may become to being more vulnerable and more open with us ! This is exactly what happened in my own marraige!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel that my wife and I are 100 % transparent we have been married for 12 years I am 49 she is 35. I have
Learned this way through her example in our relationship. Based on previous relationships I have had 
And been burned on I was a little gun shy on revealing all areas of myself 
To her. Yet she has been patient and let me get to where we are today. She knows my passwords 
To my work email and personal email as well as access to my cell I have the same info on her and access to her cell It works for us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

In_The_Wind said:


> I feel that my wife and I are 100 % transparent we have been married for 12 years I am 49 she is 35.
> 
> I have Learned this way through her example in our relationship. Based on previous relationships I have had
> And been burned on I was a little gun shy on revealing all areas of myself To her. Yet she has been patient and let me get to where we are today. She knows my passwords
> To my work email and personal email as well as access to my cell I have the same info on her and access to her cell It works for us


I love your username.... "In the Wind"! Ya know, it is very encouraging to hear someone GROW in this area because their spouse has set such an outstanding example of trust & respect .....showing that patience & understanding - given your past with being gun shy for a reason -that in due time - you could trust her 100 % with all. Love that ! :smthumbup:

I just answered a thread where I felt it was a real shame -because the belitting actions of the BF -who near demanded such openess - was only upping the secrecy wall of the GF due to his pathetic belitting of her -in front of others even! It was refreshing to read this post right after I finished my post >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...40256-privacy-boundaries-relationships-2.html


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Thank you SA and likewise it actually has several meanings for me IE riding motorcycles and I
Live fairly close to the largest wind mill farm in the US sorry for the minor tj
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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