# Wife has left me. Feeling low. I want her back. Don't know what to do



## Steven9 (Aug 3, 2016)

Hey,

Possibly one of numerous posts detailing divorce but I've tried everything else and nothing makes me feel better. So if you don't mind I'll tell my story just to let it out and get a bit of relief.

My wife and I are currently separating after 5 years of marriage but a relationship of 10. We met when we were 18 but then lost contact for a few years and got back in touch when we were 21. I fell in love with her and told her so after 4 weeks of dating. We are different, she is very sociable and can chat to anyone where as I am more reserved and prefer smaller groups although I do enjoy going out and getting dressed up etc.

Over the course of our marriage we had always planned and talked of kids. We both wanted to be parents so much. She had issues with her stomach and needed a few operations so that put our plans on hold for 18 months. She wasn't happy but I was more relaxed as I knew we needed her better first. We finally started trying 2013 and after a few months of having fun and giggling teenagers nothing happened. I was quite relaxed about the whole situation as I knew that kids would eventually happen. However, my wife's friends all started to fall pregnant, even people who we weren't friends with all seemed to be popping up with kids and this seemed to just hang over her. We had been told by doctors to get in touch if there were issues with falling pregnant. We did this and got sent for tests, mean while my wife became a woman possessed in the bedroom(not that this was an issue) but things became very unnatural and forced and not fun. Every month she would be late on her period (one month being 25 days late) and each month when her period came she would be devastated and I would be devestated for her and us. We both started arguing and fighting a lot. After a few months (January 2015) I sat her down and spoke to her and said I think we needed to take a break from kids and have more fun and focus on us. This had been our life for almost 18 months and I wanted us to start a family on good terms if that makes sense. We started trying again in April 2015. Still having tests etc.
Good news came and we found out that we were both healthy and able to have kids but what needed to meet wasn't meeting due to scarred tissue left over from my wife's ops.
She got that fixed and we were ready to go. I assumed we would chill knowing that we both could have kids. She had different ideas and went back to army drill sargent. One night I asked if we could take a break from trying and she took offence. We didn't speak for days. Then she woke up and told me she was leaving me. 'That I didn't want kids with her'. 'I'd made enough excuses and I'd never change'. I had explained when we first started trying that I was scared to become a dad. Although I wanted to be one it frightened me. There were times that I tried to make excuses not to have sex on days I wasn't in the mood or when I found it forced. Then there was the time I said to take a break for what I thought was the good of our marriage.

Anyway I let her be then got back in touch but she was adamant that our marriage was over (October 15). After chatting however, we decided to give it a shot of fixing it.
I should mention now that our 10yr relationship had a fair few bumps. She left me for a week after she said she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me, I caught her texting and calling an ex bf. And there was a girl my wife caught me texting. Nothing physical happened on my part. I was trying to help a friend who took it the wrong way. I believed my wife that nothing happened between her and her ex.
We met up quite a few times(we had sold our house) and dated again but each time my wife would find a way to argue with me. She would bring up the girl, and how she never trusted me again. But I explained that we had made a decision to move passed that and try for children? If she didn't trust me why try for kids.
Anyway one night we had a massive fight and we lost touch for two weeks. Before xmas however we both decided to force ourselves to be in each other's company and also no other family apart from parents knew. We had a great time at smash and new year we partied and had fun and got drunk. We kissed again after months and it was amazing. Then on new year she refused to kiss me at midnight???
I found out a few days later on her phone she had been in touch with the same ex. I didn't say anything I left it and stopped trying to fix things with her. I thought what's the point?

We met up for one final time in January 16. I tried to get it out of her that she had been texting her ex but she wouldn't admit it. We both decided to end it. We went to bed but the next morning I woke up and knew we were making a mistake. I told her as much but she said that the decision had been made and it was over.

Over the next few months I begged for her to try again. I visited her and her parents, called her and tried to prove I loved her and still felt our marriage could be saved. I offered marriage counselling as a someone to help us. But she said no every time. We met up to walk our dog and we chatted and it was nice. She admitted to texting her ex but said it was nothing. I explained how I felt and that we could fix things and she warned to the idea. But a month later I told her I was gutted that she bought a house alone so quickly and she fell out with me.

In February 16 she bought herself a house. In the area we always wanted to live.
She also signed up for dating websites. 
March 16 she dated guys. But was calling me drunk in the middle of the night.
May 16 she slept with another guy.
June 16 she had sex again with someone different.

I started divorce proceedings in June 16. I couldn't bare to think of her sleeping with other men while still married. However, I don't want to divorce her. I want her and to fulfil the plans we made. She was upset that I had started divorce proceedings and told me as much.
I'm heart broken and devastated. I've made mistakes in our marriage and maybe took her for granted at times but I was content and happy with her and to be with her. I love her very much. I had some debt I was paying off and we were saving for a house and it put a lot of pressure on us both.the biggest issue was the kids. She felt I was making excuses not to have them. But I did. I never once said I didn't want children with her.

She says she felt like she was the only one working and realised one morning that I would never change. I wasnt lazy I'm a fit and active person who works as a PE teacher. I would help around the house etc as I should. She felt that we should've been further on in our life in terms of houses and family. I was more relaxed and felt that it would happen in time at the right time. But she took it as me being lazy. I'm willing to fix the mistakes I made and be a better husband but she won't let me.

Anyway I want her back and I was wondering if anyone had any advice or has had a similar thing happen to them. Did you regret walking away and get back together?
Has anyone done what she did and slept with someone else so soon but regretted it and gotten back in touch with their partner?
Was it the final straw hearing that your partner had slept with other people?

That's my story. If you take the time to read it. Thank you so much.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

For me, once she slept with another it would be over. 

If you want her back that's your prerogative. 

Continue with divorce but let her know that you would end it if she came back fully committed. 

Nothing else you can do. 


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Yours is not an uncommon story. What you must come to terms with is that a marriage cannot work with only one person being willing, it always takes two. She has moved on or possibly, was never really on board. Either way you must accept the fact that you have no control over her feelings. My advice would be to find someone that will care for you as you care for them. As you describe your story, I fear this would always be woefully one sided.

Perhaps not falling pregnant was a blessing in disguise. This would be much more unpleasant with children involved and again, from what you wrote, this would happen again in the future over another issue. I know it is hard to see now but be thankful you found this out when you did. There is another woman out there who can bring much more to the relationship table. Good fortune to you.


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## Oscarquevedo83 (Jul 31, 2016)

Brother it's over, she already sleep with another man, carry on and divorce, it sucks a lot, I'm going tru separation and divorce is eminent, matter of weeks, she is already dirty, don't get yourself low. Chin up brother


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Steve
My heart goes out to you, there is such sadness in what has happened to you and your wife.

My first impression is that she kinda flipped out over not being able to have kids. And she is trying to prove to herself, that she is feminine and attractive, despite being infertile. Being infertile can really mess with a woman's identity.

But she has been unfaithful to you now on more than one occasion. It's heartbreaking that you guys have tried to get back together, even taking the dogs walking, yet you are still apart.

I think your wife might benefit from talking to a counselor about her fertility issues and how it's impacting her self-worth.

If you want to stay married you will need the help of a counselor in couple's counseling: infidelity and infertility, that's a lot to solve on your own.

If you had sex with your wife after she had her affairs, then you need to get checked for STI's.

You sound so nice, I'm sorry this terrible thing has happened in your marriage.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

One thing I have learned, never beg, coerce, or guilt someone to get them to stay with you. You better are off with them gone. If they don't want to be with you, why would you want them around? Even if they do stay more than likely they will just resent you, and you will always wonder do they really want to be with you.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Steven,

First, sorry this has happened to you. But THOUND just gave you good advice.
Leaving aside the issue right now of having children, the minute you make the statement to her that despite ANYTHING she has done that you want her back on any terms, you are playing what is called the "pick me game". That does not usually end well because it gives her total control over the entire relationship.
Now people have recovered from MUCH WORSE than you have described here, and have divorced for less. But it takes TWO committed people to have a chance at a successful reconciliation, not one who will absorb anything and one who feels they can do whatever they want and the partner will be there waiting.
Her sleeping with other men has added an extra dimension to any recovery process because now the issue becomes how do you feel safe with her as a partner even if she says she will try again.
So before you begin any talk if it gets to that point, she would have to agree to
(1) verifiable TOTAL NO CONTACT with any of these men
(2) TOTAL TRANSPARENCY of ALL of her electronic devices
(3) providing you a timeline written of all of her activities since you split but we're still married
(4) disclosure of who these men are and exposure to their spouses if there are spouses or partners
(5) disclosure of if any of her "girlfriends" we're involved in facilitating her hook ups with these other men.
And if any of these "other men" we're co workers, that presents another major issue.
She would make the statement to you that she was justified because you were separated and she thought the marriage was over. Can you live with that??????Your decision.

The bottom line is you cannot "nice them back" in most cases and unfortunately if she even decided to try again you would probably find yourself right back in her resentment over the kids thing .

So if she contacts you again or continues to call you when drunk, you need to set your expectations or tell her it is over. 

Time will make it better for you .


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Steven,

What's the backstory?

What was it like in your childhood home?

How about hers?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I feel your pain man. Most here do. There is no getting what you want. Even if she did come back, nothing will likely have changed and now you'll be thinking about other dudes deep ****ing her. You have to move on with your life. Take control and go ahead with the divorce.

Don't worry about missing her. You will, and you'll have to just accept it as fact. Once you learn that there is nothing you can do about the pain, it becomes easier to manage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're to young to attempt to make this work with all her baggage.

Go through with the divorce and move on like she has.

All her excuses were used to end the marriage.

Read " No More Mr Nice Guy" free download and cut out your doormatish behavior. Women find that extremely unnattractive.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

It's just so messy. Seems like it be great to take a vacation with some friends and clear your mind and have some fun! Take a step back and see it as a third party. Taking some time out of the problems can give you a fresh perspective . You may realise it time to move on or you may realise let's give this one more chance. Hope it helps. 


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I was separated from my husband for 11 months, after a 3 year marriage and we were very much in love, but the problems were huge.

We got back together for 3 months, but the problems weren't resolved. Same arguments, same behaviour. 

If you both eventually get to a point where you do agree to get back together, ensure you both go to counselling together and are committed to making your marriage work. In my case, he refused to go to counselling and I went alone. Personally, no I would not take him back if I knew he was intimately involved with another woman...that would truly end it for me.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

no name said:


> It's just so messy. Seems like it be great to take a vacation with some friends and clear your mind and have some fun! Take a step back and see it as a third party. Taking some time out of the problems can give you a fresh perspective . You may realise it time to move on or you may realise let's give this one more chance. Hope it helps.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree with this advice. Take a step back, take a breather, don't think/try for a while. Clear your head.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Steven9 said:


> In February 16 she bought herself a house. In the area we always wanted to live.
> She also signed up for dating websites.
> March 16 she dated guys. But was calling me drunk in the middle of the night.
> May 16 she slept with another guy.
> ...


Your wife is a sloot. You did the RIGHT thing. RUN for the hills. Nothing to salvage here. Unless you enjoy sloppy seconds and thirds.



Steven9 said:


> Was it the final straw hearing that your partner had slept with other people?


Yes, as it should be. A man without principles and self respect is not a man. 

A wife who hands out her vagina like candy is not marriage material. 

No kids? Then get the hell away from this broken trash.

You can do better.... Let her destroy herself. Worry about YOU.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Steven9 said:


> In February 16 she bought herself a house. In the area we always wanted to live.
> She also signed up for dating websites.
> March 16 she dated guys. But was calling me drunk in the middle of the night.
> May 16 she slept with another guy.
> June 16 she had sex again with someone different.


and you want her back...why?? I'm not sure you miss, you just miss a relationship. Go ahead with the divorce. Make sure you get half of the money she spent on the house she bought.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Relationships aren't supposed to be this difficult.

Stop begging and start walking.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Once a thread like this goes dead for a week, it's headed to necroville.


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## TriHouse (Aug 9, 2016)

She would need to take some accountability for the things she was missing from you for it to work. I'm guessing that is what started the cycle of unhappiness. She's blaming you for not being what she needed you to be, but I bet you don't even know what she needed.

Going through high stress situations for a long time can be very draining on a relationship, especially if either person's needs are not being met. If I were in that circumstance, I would need to have a shoulder to cry on a LOT. Men have a tendency to get very uncomfortable when a woman is emotional so they do what they do best- try to fix it. I'm imagining that it's possible you said things like, we'll try again next month, or let's take a break, but I bet what she really needed was just silence or a "I'm sad, too." or "I'll be here no matter what." 

It's not your fault if you did not respond that way, but usually, that's what a woman needs, and if she goes to you to meet her needs over and over again and they aren't met in the way she needs them to be met, it leads to trust issues. It makes her struggle to depend on you because she predicts it will be fruitless. 

She needs to learn this about herself. She would need to be willing to go to counseling. It's possible that the ex she's texting responds better to her feelings and she continues to go to him when she's stressed out or emotional because she trusts him.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ReturntoZero said:


> Once a thread like this goes dead for a week, it's headed to necroville.


He got all the advice he needed within 10 minutes.

Efficient. :grin2:


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