# Holidays, ex inlaws, ex spouse post divorce



## notreadytoquit

How do you handle the holidays in regard to ex spouse, ex inlaws in a post divorce situation?

This will be my first Xmas without my now ex H after 9 years. We have a child that will turn 2 beginning of next month who will never know what it is like to wake up on Xmas morning with Mom and Dad.

Do I buy a gift for ex spouse? Do I sign the card from son only or include myself as well?

Do I buy a gift or just send a card to ex MIL? Do I sign it just from son or son and I?

Do I send gift and card to ex BIL family? Do I address only their kids?

Here is little backgroud: H cheated(never admitted nor appologized),filed for divorce, ex BIL and his family have not even called to ask how I or son are doing since April when affair came out. ex MIL calls sometimes, she spreads out right lies about me now. She is the only family son has in this country and this city and she has not even made an effort to come and see where grandson lives. Ex H keeps civil/business like attitude towards me. However they all hate me for exposing his affair. 

Now most will say probably move on and forget them. Or should I be the bigger person and continue to treat them as family(sort of) and send at least a card? Debating what to do.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

I don't do anything with my ex or his family, because they all choose to have nothing to do with us. 

IF we were all civil with each other, then I would treat them as I do my own parents. I would take my kids to buy a gift for the ex's parents, and it would be from the kids. Not me. If we were friendly, I might get them a small trinket, but that'd be about it. 

As for my ex, again, I'd do like his parents. The kids would get him something that would be from them. I would not get him anything. To me, we are divorced and I don't see any point in giving him gifts. 

If I didn't have my kids buy for my own parents, then I wouldn't have them do it for his. 

That's how I would handle it.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Ex MIL and other in laws maybe care about our son but they certainly do not contact ME to ask about his well being. Like if he comes home with a new outfit or other gift how can I thank the person who bought it if I am not told who it is from?


----------



## bellringer

I bought a little gift from my son to stbx for his birthday, i will let son pick somthing little out for christmas for him, but as for the inlaws no, thats stbx's responsibility, do you thing hes gonna get my family gifts, no. so he gets his family gifts and I get my family gifts.


----------



## notreadytoquit

I guess my dilemma on this comes from the fact that one set of people say don't do anything for anyone in his family and another set says sort of "kill them with kindness" but don't go overboard. SEe over the years it was me who was remembering all kids birthday, it was me who would remember to send Xmas cards. I did that out of love and respect not expecting anything in return.

H was never the one to remember that. If anything he would go on Dec 23 trying to buy Xmas gifts for everyone at once, spending insane amount of money for people who did not appreciate it at the end.

I can understand both point of views but I guess I will have to find some middle ground on how to address this issue. Because in my case I did not choose to divorce him and his family and they are all too aware of that. In a way I will feel that I should not change myself for who I was, if you get my drift.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

I think the best thing for you to do is decide what YOU feel you should do. Don't try to do what I would do, or bellringer would do, but what you want to do. Every divorce situation is different, and what's right for one divorced couple won't be right for 30,000 others. 

If you feel that you should or want to send out cards, get gifts, whatever, then do that. If you feel it's inappropriate, or you just don't want to, then don't. You might find your feelings change over time, as well. This year, you might feel you should send cards, but next year, or five years from now, you might feel that you don't need to anymore.


----------



## Affaircare

> How do you handle the holidays in regard to ex spouse, ex inlaws in a post divorce situation?


My ex and I are pretty civil, as are the outlaws and I. We were blood family for years, and after the divorce they didn't utterly give a rip about me and the kids, but we all met and agreed that we didn't hate each other and would be friends by choice but just not relatives. However, during the holidays we do have completely separate "celebrations."



> Do I buy a gift for ex spouse? Do I sign the card from son only or include myself as well?


I do not buy a gift for my ex. He chose to leave, and I see no reason to give him a gift for that. If you send your ex a Christmas card, I would only sign it from your son, and honestly I would suggest not sending him a card! Send cards to someone who has been loving to you this year. Now, as your son grows up this is his father, so teach him to think of others and get him a gift or card--and even as young as next year maybe let your son "pick out" something for daddy. That is from HIM, not you. 



> Do I buy a gift or just send a card to ex MIL? Do I sign it just from son or son and I?


See above for the card. I would not get the MIL a gift or a card, and this is not being vindictive or anything--she chose to leave you. Now, as your son grows up this is his grandmother so teach him to think of others and get her a gift or card. But coming from you would be inappropriate. 



> Do I send gift and card to ex BIL family? Do I address only their kids?


Again I would not send them a gift or a card. Even as your son grows up, getting gifts for uncle, aunt and cousins is a little far-reaching, so even as he get older/teen age he probably won't get them anything. Thus for BIL family I'd say they are on their own! LOL 



> Now most will say probably move on and forget them. Or should I be the bigger person and continue to treat them as family(sort of) and send at least a card?


Notready, it is not "being a lessor person" to not send a card or gift from you. This is REALITY. Once the divorce was final, they volunteered to not be part of your life or family anymore. Your son is part of their family, and thus it would be reasonable to teach him how to remember family with a gift or card, but he's like 1yo! So I suggest this so both you and they can start to accept that divorce = loss. 

Now if they had come to you after the divorce and said, "Let's be friends by choice" that's different. Then you could send a card or gift to them as FRIENDS not as relatives. Make sense?


----------



## smelkerzz32

*Divorce Assistance and Guide For Men and Women*

You’ll find complete information and facts about the legal, financial, and emotional aspects, as well as articles for starting over. Here's a divorce advice that will help you gain sensible techniques and strategies for coping with all areas of this doubtful time by looking through the following areas.


----------

