# Resentment



## red oak

Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage. 

Granted. What I dislike is too often the blame is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.

I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature. 

Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves. 

One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.

Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.

Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.

I have gone through it recently with the competition aspect. I have a business and often heard complaints how mine was doing better than hers. I could here the resentment in the tone and wording. Yes her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.

I never called my business "mine." I called it "ours." She never called what she was doing as ours even though I was the one allowing it to take place through what I was doing.

I will leave off here.

Remember those above are from psychology, Not some opinion of mine.

I write this for those who are doing everything they think they can and are feeling like failures. It may not be you. It could be, but not necessarily, almost anything other than you.


----------



## personofinterest

I don't care what woman wrote what in what decade. It's BS. It doesn't apply to all women. You and she are wrong. Women are not a hive mind.

Sorry, nope.

Now go ahead and call me a misandrist so my husband and I can laugh about it.


----------



## personofinterest

> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.
> 
> One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.
> 
> Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.


This is a load of crap believed due to jaded thinking over past experience.

You are wrong


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> I don't care what woman wrote what in what decade. It's BS. It doesn't apply to all women. You and she are wrong. Women are not a hive mind.
> 
> Sorry, nope.
> 
> Now go ahead and call me a misandrist so my husband and I can laugh about it.


Where did it say all women.

A man makes a literal bed of roses and surprises his wife with i and she is in tears of joy, saying no one ever treated her with such love and respect. But 2 days later she won't return calls, and ends up visiting an ex-boyfriend. 
Why?

Explain it correctly, as psychiatrist friends have.

You should read Propaganda by Edward Bernays and understand what he says and the full implications before automatically attacking someone. 
Peace


----------



## happyhusband0005

red oak said:


> Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage.
> 
> Granted. What I dislike is too often the blame is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.
> 
> I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature.
> 
> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.
> 
> One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.
> 
> Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.
> 
> Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.
> 
> I have gone through it recently with the competition aspect. I have a business and often heard complaints how mine was doing better than hers. I could here the resentment in the tone and wording. Yes her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.
> 
> I never called my business "mine." I called it "ours." She never called what she was doing as ours even though I was the one allowing it to take place through what I was doing.
> 
> I will leave off here.
> 
> Remember those above are from psychology, Not some opinion of mine.
> 
> I write this for those who are doing everything they think they can and are feeling like failures. It may not be you. It could be, but not necessarily, almost anything other than you.


Have you discussed this openly with your wife. Are you sure it's resentment your picking up and shes not just disappointed her business isn't going as well and bummed you're having to subsidize it? I don't think you should assume you know whats going on in her mind. The situation has the potential to be a wedge or something that can bring you closer. 

Oh yah almost forgot. @personofinterest is a misandrist. There you go laugh away>


----------



## personofinterest

red oak said:


> Where did it say all women.
> 
> A man makes a literal bed of roses and surprises his wife with i and she is in tears of joy, saying no one ever treated her with such love and respect. But 2 days later she won't return calls, and ends up visiting an ex-boyfriend.
> Why?
> 
> Explain it correctly, as psychiatrist friends have.
> 
> You should read Propaganda by Edward Bernays and understand what he says and the full implications before automatically attacking someone.
> Peace


A woman who wrote something in the 50's is not science.

Yes, a lot of YOUNG women without a lot of life experience can confuse Disney with reality. Most of us learn the truth before we marry, and that isn't an insult to men. That's just life.

How does a woman do a 180 that fast? Well, it could be lots of things:
Hormones
The roses were a temporary relief but didn't cancel out other long term hurts
She is unstable
She is an entitled emotional princess
She is immature
Maybe 2 days later he did something as horrible as the roses were wonderful
She is selfish

But to say that women are programmed to be secretly resentful of their husbands because of some kind of scientific flaw is laughable. So is any statement that says "women do....." even without the word "all."

My ex was an unmotivated introvert with no sex drive.

Can I then say that all introverted men are unmotivated and have no sex drive? No


----------



## john117

"But to say that women are programmed to be secretly resentful of their husbands because of some kind of scientific flaw is laughable."

People are resentful of others all the time... No flaws involved.


----------



## red oak

happyhusband0005 said:


> Have you discussed this openly with your wife. Are you sure it's resentment your picking up and shes not just disappointed her business isn't going as well and bummed you're having to subsidize it? I don't think you should assume you know whats going on in her mind. The situation has the potential to be a wedge or something that can bring you closer.
> 
> Oh yah almost forgot. @personofinterest is a misandrist. There you go laugh away>


Oh, yes. We have discussed it. I dont let things ride. 
It took a little while, but we are getting better.

Yes she was disappointed, and wanting to bring in more money, but blame phraseology was all about resentment. 
The illogical blame game.


----------



## personofinterest

red oak said:


> Oh, yes. We have discussed it. I dont let things ride.
> It took a little while, but we are getting better.
> 
> Yes she was disappointed, and wanting to bring in more money, but blame phraseology was all about resentment.
> The illogical blame game.



Yes YOUR WIFE was illogical and resentful.

You can't take that and a 60 year old book and extrapolate a generalization.

That said, I hope your wife has gotten nicer about this. Seems very petty to be mad at your husband for SUCCEEDING.


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> A woman who wrote something in the 50's is not science.
> 
> Yes, a lot of YOUNG women without a lot of life experience can confuse Disney with reality. Most of us learn the truth before we marry, and that isn't an insult to men. That's just life.
> 
> How does a woman do a 180 that fast? Well, it could be lots of things:
> Hormones
> The roses were a temporary relief but didn't cancel out other long term hurts
> She is unstable
> She is an entitled emotional princess
> She is immature
> Maybe 2 days later he did something as horrible as the roses were wonderful
> She is selfish
> 
> But to say that women are programmed to be secretly resentful of their husbands because of some kind of scientific flaw is laughable. So is any statement that says "women do....." even without the word "all."
> 
> My ex was an unmotivated introvert with no sex drive.
> 
> Can I then say that all introverted men are unmotivated and have no sex drive? No


An accredited psychologist with a lifetime of experience garnered from successful practice is hardly just some woman.

On the 180. Neither one. 

"Seek first to understand: then to be understood." I strive to live by it.
For knee jerk reactions before speaking I try to apply: "whatever angers you has found you out," so as not to cause myself ignominy.


----------



## Bananapeel

I think breeding resentment often falls into one of two major categories.

First - a lot of men suck at actually listening to their women. When women feel heard and understood they are far more likely to treat their man properly than when they feel ignored. Whatever the individual problems can often be addressed by open communication and learning to be an active listener. If you aren't familiar... an active listener's goal isn't to try to find the solution to the problem but rather to understand the other person's point of view. This involves asking questions to get to the root of the issue and often repeating the other person's statements to make sure they are understanding correctly. 

Second - men need to establish healthy boundaries. If their woman is being unreasonable (some people are just that way) then they need to be able to say no and mean it. But if a man doesn't establish boundaries properly then their spouse may lose respect for them. 

Men that are good listeners and have healthy boundaries tend to not have issues with their spouses resenting them because they can either figure out their problems in a mature adult manner or they will walk away and find someone more compatible.


----------



## EleGirl

red oak said:


> Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage.
> 
> Granted. What I dislike is too often the blame is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.
> 
> I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature.
> 
> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.
> 
> One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.
> 
> Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.
> 
> Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.
> 
> I have gone through it recently with the competition aspect. I have a business and often heard complaints how mine was doing better than hers. I could here the resentment in the tone and wording. Yes her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.
> 
> I never called my business "mine." I called it "ours." She never called what she was doing as ours even though I was the one allowing it to take place through what I was doing.
> 
> I will leave off here.
> 
> Remember those above are from psychology, Not some opinion of mine.
> 
> I write this for those who are doing everything they think they can and are feeling like failures. It may not be you. It could be, but not necessarily, almost anything other than you.


You seem to have missed the other side of the coin. Many men also withhold sex from their wife due to resentment/anger that they hold against their wife. As it turns out, men withhold sex from their wives at about the same rate that women withhold sex from their husband. 

What's the main difference? Men complain about it much louder when their wives withhold.


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> Yes YOUR WIFE was illogical and resentful.
> 
> You can't take that and a 60 year old book and extrapolate a generalization.
> 
> That said, I hope your wife has gotten nicer about this. Seems very petty to be mad at your husband for SUCCEEDING.


My wife faced one of many aspects people face. 
If we live in this age we are all damaged to some degree. Men and women. There is no way around it. It is the self work we are willing to do that determines whether we become more whole.

I'm not a psychologist. My psychologist friends would like to see me get said degree. I don't have the patience.  
I have a lifetime of study. Since I could read. Human nature, psychology, body language, observations, others most seldom hear about. Effects of propaganda on the cult-ure. So it's far from a generalization.


----------



## red oak

EleGirl said:


> You seem to have missed the other side of the coin. Many men also withhold sex from their wife due to resentment/anger that they hold against their wife. As it turns out, men withhold sex from their wives at about the same rate that women withhold sex from their husband.
> 
> What's the main difference? Men complain about it much louder when their wives withhold.


This is on the men section so addressed only that aspect above.

Yes I agree. In such a case there could be a dysfunction of communication, or in some cases to large a difference in intelligence. I have personally experienced the intelligence issue with an EW.

When some one is making a heartfelt attempt to understand, and express, yet the other accuses them of talking down to them.......

My ex and I were talking about something non-relationship related, and she went into a fit accusing me of talking down to her, and everyone else. Why? Because no one ever knows what you're talking about.
Before that moment I never knew where her resentment came from. Her resenting me made me resent her. 
It's all a vicious circle.

Other times if he falls for the idea of being a hero, when that falls through, he feels as though he is a failure and his sex drive will suffer. I've seen it in friends. 

There are other reasons for mans resentment and anger.

I digress.


----------



## red oak

Bananapeel said:


> I think breeding resentment often falls into one of two major categories.
> 
> First - a lot of men suck at actually listening to their women. When women feel heard and understood they are far more likely to treat their man properly than when they feel ignored. Whatever the individual problems can often be addressed by open communication and learning to be an active listener. If you aren't familiar... an active listener's goal isn't to try to find the solution to the problem but rather to understand the other person's point of view. This involves asking questions to get to the root of the issue and often repeating the other person's statements to make sure they are understanding correctly.
> 
> Second - men need to establish healthy boundaries. If their woman is being unreasonable (some people are just that way) then they need to be able to say no and mean it. But if a man doesn't establish boundaries properly then their spouse may lose respect for them.
> 
> Men that are good listeners and have healthy boundaries tend to not have issues with their spouses resenting them because they can either figure out their problems in a mature adult manner or they will walk away and find someone more compatible.


Addressing number one. 
It's not so much men don't listen it's the difference of communication styles. 

I bought a marriage book years ago, the author and I became friends. As much as he ingrained it on my head I still have to remind myself, "men state, women negotiate," and all that it entails.
That is one of the most difficult things for us men to comprehend. The work it requires can make a man resentful even when he understands it unless he changes his mind set to look at is an intriguing game.


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> This is good stuff.
> 
> And some women ARE just crappy people. And I;ve said it before and will say it again - there's nothing meaner than a mean woman
> 
> What I will not let pass is the implication that the entire gender is wired some way. And that WAS the implication - on this thread and various others. "That's how women are", "That is how "they" are taught", etc.
> 
> Bollocks.


Just saw this. 

It's not how women are wired. It's the effects of social cognitive pressure. Creates dissonance. 
It's rough. 
Men get effected as well. Take those in the mgtow movement. They aren't wired that way, but they are conforming to social pressure.


----------



## EleGirl

red oak said:


> This is on the men section so addressed only that aspect above.


When we acknowledge that the issue is not gender specific, we can then look at individuals and what drives that individual. There is no gender specific reason for a spouse to harbor resentment. It is an individual issue.



red oak said:


> There are other reasons for mans resentment and anger.


No, the reasons resentment and anger are remarkably the same between genders. Their spouse is not meeting their expectations. Now the reasonableness of those expectations is up for discussion.


----------



## Dusk

I think lots of women do resent Men as a societal construct because of the patriarchy. In my country 7 women were killed by their intimate partners/male family members during a recent two week period. Very little concern was shown and mostly what I saw from men online was defensive justification, victim blaming and #notallmen. 

I’m really sick of it. I’m so tired of men being silent and/it complicit while women are abused and killed and harassed. My personal relationships with men are great, I have a fantastic husband, father, brother and male friends. But yeah, it’s actually hard sometimes not to be resentful of men generally for this ****. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Mr. Nail

no matter your justification, no matter your persistence, it's still a thread jack.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

Dusk said:


> I think lots of women do resent Men as a societal construct because of the patriarchy. In my country 7 women were killed by their intimate partners/male family members during a recent two week period. Very little concern was shown and mostly what I saw from men online was defensive justification, victim blaming and #notallmen.
> 
> I’m really sick of it. I’m so tired of men being silent and/it complicit while women are abused and killed and harassed. My personal relationships with men are great, I have a fantastic husband, father, brother and male friends. But yeah, it’s actually hard sometimes not to be resentful of men generally for this sh*t.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree with you and hear what you are saying. Things are slowly improving (in the US), much too slowly but I do think things are improving for women. As men, I think we can speed up the process by teaching our sons better.


----------



## red oak

EleGirl said:


> No, the reasons resentment and anger are remarkably the same between genders. Their spouse is not meeting their expectations. Now the reasonableness of those expectations is up for discussion.



I agree it to be an accurate statement only when excluding envy. 
To keep it succinct. 
Envy is resentful desire for rights or possessions of another, which is prevalent in many relationships.
Failure to acknowledge envy can be just as detrimental to a relationship as failure to meet needs.
Anecdotes and metaphors make things easier.
After women were given the right to vote many men had envious resentment. Why? Rights free of socially inherent responsibilities required of men to do the same.

The same is true of many relationships. A woman can envy a man's confidence to walk into a bar fight, lacking the same confidence she can become resentful. A man can envy a stay at home mom's leisure, and vice versa.


----------



## personofinterest

"After women were given the right to vote many men had envious resentment. Why? Rights free of socially inherent responsibilities required of men to do the same"

Read this sentence again slowly, especially the last part, and see if you can tell me exactly what is wrong with it.

And after that, think real hard about that phrase concerning women who are stay-at-home moms having all sorts of a leisure.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

@personofinterest

Since you have taken it upon yourself to take up the mantle of all womanhood and defend it from generalization. Do you think you speaking for ALL women is any different than redoak or anyone posting a comment about "women" do this or that? It's mighty presumptuous if you do.


----------



## red oak

My apologies for allowing myself to be diverted.

As this is men’s section, and my post was directed to men who seemingly, aren't abusive, have done everything right, yet their wives still have resentment towards them, leave or cheat, it should be obvious this post was only referencing those situations.

To finish: While my wife was counseling we learned the record running in the mind from past experiences can jade thinking and effect marriage, and if a spouse is doing all they can and there is still resentment, it could be a result of issues/trauma/tape recording from earlier in life.

In such cases a person doesn't leave a perfectly good spouse as a result of what the spouse is or isn't doing, they often leave because they are unable to face themselves, for our spouse can be a mirror showing us where we need to work on ourselves.

In such cases one should seek counseling if your spouse is open to it.


----------



## personofinterest

Rubix Cubed said:


> @personofinterest
> 
> Since you have taken it upon yourself to take up the mantle of all womanhood and defend it from generalization. Do you think you speaking for ALL women is any different than redoak or anyone posting a comment about "women" do this or that? It's mighty presumptuous if you do.


But see....I AM a woman. I'm smart enough not to assume how all MEN think.


----------



## personofinterest

"As this is men’s section, and my post was directed to men who seemingly, aren't abusive, have done everything right, yet their wives still have resentment towards them"

Women like this have issues that have nothing to do with the man they married who is doing his best. Just like a good woman shouldnt blame herself if her husband chooses to be resentful and self centered.

Making resentment a gender trait minimizes it.

So don't


----------



## sokillme

Here is the deal, talk to your wife, emotionally bond with your wife. Help your wife, love your wife as a partner, and if she is a moral decent women who is into you you should be OK. Not saying you won't have problems but you should be able to fix them. You need to make that bond though. You also have to be a man though, don't treat your wife like your Mom or your Kid. 

Lots of marriage fail because the people in the marriage fail each other. Other marriages fail because one or both of the people in the marriage should have never been married in the first place.


----------



## red oak

sokillme said:


> .
> Lots of marriage fail because the people in the marriage fail each other. Other marriages fail because one or both of the people in the marriage should have never been married in the first place.



Very true. 
We went worked through our issues many years ago.My lovely wife ...good woman
I divorced my first wife for reasons stated.. 
.


----------



## BigDigg

Must admit that I'm not fully sure what this thread is about or what the OP is trying to get out of it. But it's an interesting topic I think. Would venture to guess that built up resentment is the leading cause of all these sexless marriages we read about, checked out SO's, and even justification for some of the affairs that come through here. Common theme is that they build up silently and are tough to spot and thus tough to talk about and deal with directly. Sometimes no warning signs until too much damage is done.


----------



## Girl_power

red oak said:


> Where did it say all women.
> 
> A man makes a literal bed of roses and surprises his wife with i and she is in tears of joy, saying no one ever treated her with such love and respect. But 2 days later she won't return calls, and ends up visiting an ex-boyfriend.
> Why?
> 
> Explain it correctly, as psychiatrist friends have.
> 
> You should read Propaganda by Edward Bernays and understand what he says and the full implications before automatically attacking someone.
> Peace




This is so dumb. There is not enough information to understand what is going on here. 
First of all, most behavior that people exhibit have to do with them not other people. People do what they want to do. Period. If she wants to sleep with you she will. If she wants to sleep with someone else, she will. She might love you and be into you one day and hate you the next. Some people are very emotional and let their emotions drive their behavior. Some people have actual personality disorders/emotional disorders that make them a slave to their emotions. And it has nothing to do with you.


----------



## personofinterest

> They aren't wired that way, but they are conforming to social pressure.


Nah, they are choosing bitterness over their own situations and finding other bitter men to bond with. It's the flip side of all those female man-hating groups. It's all just a big echo chamber pity party.


----------



## personofinterest

> because of the *patriarchy*


Somehow I missed this lol


----------



## As'laDain

Women are wired to be resentful? Thanks!

I needed a laugh.


----------



## red oak

As'laDain said:


> Women are wired to be resentful? Thanks!
> 
> I needed a laugh.


Dislike being the bearer of it; that is a misqote.:smile2:


----------



## red oak

BigDigg said:


> Must admit that I'm not fully sure what this thread is about or what the OP is trying to get out of it. But it's an interesting topic I think. Would venture to guess that built up resentment is the leading cause of all these sexless marriages we read about, checked out SO's, and even justification for some of the affairs that come through here. Common theme is that they build up silently and are tough to spot and thus tough to talk about and deal with directly. Sometimes no warning signs until too much damage is done.


I appreciate you letting me know it is hard to follow. I will try to clarify.
I posted to maybe help others. I don't expect anything. 

There are men, and women who keep questioning themselves when apparantly they have done everything right; It's good to always evaluate our own behavior first in a relationship; However I am a male so only address what I can speak of from personal experience.

As stated, in a different form, if the man has self-evaluated and found the resentment without cause then it is most likely issues within, within being precise, therefore quit beating yourself or cowering and get her the help to overcome the past, future, upsets of life, whatever it be, so you can have a life.

As long as a woman is getting to the bottom of it, the man should be her husband by being supportive.


----------



## Girl_power

I just want to add, If this is about lack of sex because your wife’s resentment about your successful business I just want to point out...

Women need to feel sexy and empowered inside. Essentially we need to turn ourselves on. If I don’t feel confident about myself, it doesn’t matter what the man does, because it’s not about him. No women is the same. Some women need to feel confident physically (and when they feel ugly/fat they can’t have sex), some women need to feel empowered in their careers/finically/bad ass boss (and when their career is flailing they can’t have sex). Some women love to feel small, and feminine and “weak” by being with a man that makes them feel that way, (and when the women loses respect for her man, she can’t have sex). My point is that it’s about what the women is feeling, and how that makes her feel confident and sexy and unstoppable. It’s about her, not you. Resentment is an ugly word. But sometimes when women don’t feel good/confident they need their man to recognize this and realize it’s not about him and he needs to help support her in a way that will build her confidence up in the specific way that she needs it. 
And just speaking from experience, some men think they get it, but they say dumb offensive stuff. They try to “fix” the problem but makes it worse, or maybe they don’t understand that it’s nothing you can do, or maybe you can. Every situation is different.


----------



## Girl_power

You can’t be making generalizations like that. Because that will cause men to be resentful to women when it’s just lack of understanding. 

Women are not perfect man are not perfect. Some men have very fragile egos as well. People over complicate it. At the end of the day it’s how we feel on the inside that controls how we act on the outside.


----------



## Rowan

red oak said:


> Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage.
> 
> Granted. What I dislike is too often the blame is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.
> 
> *I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature. *
> 
> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.
> 
> One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.
> 
> Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.
> 
> Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.
> 
> I have gone through it recently with the competition aspect. I have a business and often heard complaints how mine was doing better than hers. I could here the resentment in the tone and wording. Yes her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.
> 
> I never called my business "mine." I called it "ours." She never called what she was doing as ours even though I was the one allowing it to take place through what I was doing.
> 
> I will leave off here.
> 
> Remember those above are from psychology, Not some opinion of mine.
> 
> I write this for those who are doing everything they think they can and are feeling like failures. It may not be you. It could be, but not necessarily, almost anything other than you.




In the 1950's women were still being fairly routinely committed by their loving families to mental institutions for such grave mental illnesses as being too independent, being 'unwomanly' or 'ungodly', and being a bad housewife. And plenty of those women were being "cured" with electroshock therapy and/or lobotomies. So let's not kid ourselves that anything written about women's psychological makeup at that time was coming from some sort of pinnacle of enlightened understanding.

So, a woman (though you don't name her), who was somehow (though you're not quite sure how) involved in something related to psychology, wrote a book (though you don't say what book) in the 1950s. And you've decided that this nameless woman, with a specialty you aren't sure of, wrote the definitive scientific treatise regarding the motivations of, apparently, all or most women? 

If you find that the authoress of the book you're espousing had a "good understanding of female nature," it's entirely possible that it's because her work fits into and supports your own personal worldview. There's a good bit of "scientific" work from the same period claiming the natural, hard-wired, inferiority of all non-white races, as well. Whether you find that work valid says a vast amount about your own personal biases. I rather wonder if your adherence to the works of the unnamed author of the unnamed book, which you tout as the key to understanding the female nature, isn't perhaps in the same vein?


----------



## badsanta

red oak said:


> I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature.
> 
> ...her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.


If happiness comes from within and is meant to be shared with the ones you love... why is it you no longer accept sharing your own happiness with your wife when she may could very well benefit from feeling loved and desired? 

Perhaps you are the one that is needy and take from her. If she can't validate you for being successful and desirable, then you perhaps you can't handle your own ideas of not being good enough for her.

Not saying that is what is happening, but just another psychoanalyst perspective to help you look at things differently.

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

RedOak you seem like you have all the truth at your fingertips. Sorry to tell you, I don't think you know what the hell you are talking about. You're just using some pop psychology from half a century ago to validate your own biases and thoughts. Bananapeel seems to have nailed it on the first page but you dismissed it. 

Women can you resent you for a whole lot of things, being successful should not be one of them. If it is, then tell her to grow the eff up. I'm betting if she does resent you then its probably something deeper than that.


----------



## badsanta

Girl_power said:


> And just speaking from experience, some men think they get it, but they say dumb offensive stuff. They try to “fix” the problem but makes it worse, or maybe they don’t understand that it’s nothing you can do, or maybe you can. Every situation is different.


Was listening to the radio this morning and a woman refused to call a guy back after the first date. The radio DJ likes to call and find out what went wrong for the guy so he can move on or reconcile to go out on a second date. Turns out she was upset her date took a smoke break before ordering dinner and was out talking/flirting with another woman while she waited at the table. You want to know what he said?

"Woman, I was out there trying to get some advice from another lady on what to order for you because you could not make up yo mind about what you wanted!"

The radio DJ almost fell in the floor when he heard that and accused him of spinning the story. THEN... She actually agreed to go out on a second date with him after she heard that! The guy she dated then encouraged her to go online and study the restaurant menu for at least three days ahead of time so that she would know what she wanted and that the second date would go better. She AGREED! 

OMG, 
Badsanta


----------



## red oak

Girl_power said:


> I just want to add, If this is about lack of sex because your wife’s resentment about your successful business I just want to point out...
> 
> Women need to feel sexy and empowered inside. Essentially we need to turn ourselves on. If I don’t feel confident about myself, it doesn’t matter what the man does, because it’s not about him. No women is the same. Some women need to feel confident physically (and when they feel ugly/fat they can’t have sex), some women need to feel empowered in their careers/finically/bad ass boss (and when their career is flailing they can’t have sex). Some women love to feel small, and feminine and “weak” by being with a man that makes them feel that way, (and when the women loses respect for her man, she can’t have sex). My point is that it’s about what the women is feeling, and how that makes her feel confident and sexy and unstoppable. It’s about her, not you. Resentment is an ugly word. But sometimes when women don’t feel good/confident they need their man to recognize this and realize it’s not about him and he needs to help support her in a way that will build her confidence up in the specific way that she needs it.
> And just speaking from experience, some men think they get it, but they say dumb offensive stuff. They try to “fix” the problem but makes it worse, or maybe they don’t understand that it’s nothing you can do, or maybe you can. Every situation is different.





Girl_power said:


> You can’t be making generalizations like that. Because that will cause men to be resentful to women when it’s just lack of understanding.
> 
> Women are not perfect man are not perfect. Some men have very fragile egos as well. People over complicate it. At the end of the day it’s how we feel on the inside that controls how we act on the outside.


Thanks for your previous post
It highlights the point I was attempting to make with the thread starter.
Even though it is becoming less common; I would hope any man reading would use common sense, and thinking to understand what's meant.

Your comment of lack of sex made me laugh. Thanks :smile2:
I posted out of altruism.


----------



## red oak

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Women can you resent you for a whole lot of things, being successful should not be one of them. If it is, then tell her to grow the eff up. I'm betting if she does resent you then its probably something deeper than that.


Thank you. People do it all the time. Whether spouse or friend. 
No one has all the answers. 
I'm not taking the bait of spelling it out. We have refused to do so since we quit writing/blogging years ago so another can take and sell it as their own. Nope, nope.

Reactions to my post here remind me of an incident in high school.
We had to give a presentation, I was close to last. At the end everyone was silent. A couple minutes after sitting down the teacher asked where I got material for my ending and couple statements made. I told her they were mine. She said it was very "eloquent," and other things, questioning me as to why and other things I forget, because I was watching classmates. Some sneered, some acted arrogant, some looked ashamed, some jealous, as mine was the only one she had commented on.
Others had a look of interest. Some of those later made attempts of freindship.

As soon as I had access to a public library, I read all the books on psychology, body language, etc. I could get my hands on because people's behavior perplexed me (if you have knowledge to say I dont know what I 'm talking about then you should know my mbti now).
Since I had been reading aforementioned books before the highschool sophomore year incident I studied peoples reactions and treatment afterwards. As I have done most of my life.

I didn't test my first wife to see if we were compatible. With my current wife I took everything I had learned to test and see if we were compatible early on. Is that a guarantee for anyone? No! It does however give more of a chance than being silly nilly. If more would do so there would be less divorces.


----------



## personofinterest

> Reactions to my post here remind me of an incident in high school.
> We had to give a presentation, I was close to last. At the end everyone was silent. A couple minutes after sitting down the teacher asked where I got material for my ending and couple statements made. I told her they were mine. She said it was very "eloquent," and other things, questioning me as to why and other things I forget, because I was watching classmates. Some sneered, some acted arrogant, some looked ashamed, some jealous, as mine was the only one she had commented on.
> Others had a look of interest. Some of those later made attempts of freindship.


No offense, but this is just ridiculous. No one here is jealous of your expressions. We simply called you on the out of date irrelevance of your "source" and your obvious bias against women. It's not that hard to see.

You seem to have that trait where you assume everyone is beneath you and jealous of you. Maybe you're just abrasive.


----------



## red oak

Girl_power said:


> You can’t be making generalizations like that. Because that will cause men to be resentful to women when it’s just lack of understanding.
> 
> Women are not perfect man are not perfect. Some men have very fragile egos as well. People over complicate it. At the end of the day it’s how we feel on the inside that controls how we act on the outside.


Addendum: I said altruism. I also hoped to have an exchange of ideas, and intelligent conversation in such a way as you have done, to critique myself, therefore I can't honestly say it was entirely altruistic. 
Something lacking since psych friends have moved, or passed, and as I have gotten older there are no longer any old timers to listen to life in horse and buggy, prohibition days etc, and losing my last good friend a couple years ago.

Your tact is commendable, and appreciated. (To clear any confusion I refer to tact as in speaking in a non- belittle and respectful context. Not B.F. skinner context of non-verbal operant conditioning).


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> No offense, but this is just ridiculous. No one here is jealous of your expressions. We simply called you on the out of date irrelevance of your "source" and your obvious bias against women. It's not that hard to see.
> 
> You seem to have that trait where you assume everyone is beneath you and jealous of you. Maybe you're just abrasive.


Thank you for this as it can be keep thread on target: Instead of wondering what could possibly have been said to cause such a wide variety of emotions and those recognized shame, arrogance, anger, or jealousy...one emotion is jumped on, if we are open minded it can give us personal insight.

One thing my college psych professor made sure we were clear on; in most cases "you statements" are accusatory and attacks, of someone attempting to shut another down.

How can this apply to resentment in relationships?
When we tell our partners, "you always do this," "you never listen," and naseem, although we may not mean it in such a way it comes across as an attack. Which can breed resentment as one will feel always at odds.

A much better tact is to Express feelings, "I feel ignored," instead of, " you are ignoring me." It may not be the other intends to ignore, if so, telling your spouse, "you always ignore me" puts the one on the receiving end of said statement on immediate defense even if only subconsciously. Think of this building up over years. 
Again, "women negotiate." "Men state."

Poi. I refer you to my third post in this thread. 
Have a blessed day.


----------



## personofinterest

> When we tell our partners, "you always do this," "you never listen," and naseem, although we may not mean it in such a way it comes across as an attack.


This is so true. Because people very rarely "always" or "never" do anything (murder and arson aside lol).


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> This is so true. Because people very rarely "always" or "never" do anything (murder and arson aside lol).


Addendum: Iknow it is a generalization. It's meant to show a point so each reader can evaluate their own communication style and how it effects their spouse which requires becoming self-aware, and observant. Not to spell out every scenario.


----------



## personofinterest

red oak said:


> Addendum: Iknow it is a generalization. It's meant to show a point so each reader can evaluate their own communication style and how it effects their spouse which requires becoming self-aware, and observant. Not to spell out every scenario.


Oh I agree with you. When someone says "You never listen," what they really mean is "You are not listening to me right now (or I don't feel heard right now), and I am frustrated." BUT, when they do the always/never thing, it puts the other person on the defensive. And it undermines the message because it is inaccurate.

I used to live with someone for whom you were only as good as your last failure. So you could be wonderful 99 days in a row, but if you faltered on the 100th day, that became what defined you.

It really sucks.


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> Oh I agree with you. When someone says "You never listen," what they really mean is "You are not listening to me right now (or I don't feel heard right now), and I am frustrated." BUT, when they do the always/never thing, it puts the other person on the defensive. And it undermines the message because it is inaccurate.
> 
> I used to live with someone for whom you were only as good as your last failure. So you could be wonderful 99 days in a row, but if you faltered on the 100th day, that became what defined you.
> 
> It really sucks.


Since we have gotten to the communication part of relationship and resentment:
Men and women don't communicate the same. Most don't understand how large the difference is. 
Women who say a man never listens to them often aren't aware of the difference, and the same for men who say their wife is nagging.
If a man says something it is usually direct, and means what he says. 
When a woman says, 'trash pick up is tomorrow," she is asking him to take out the trash. Same with, "you need to take out the trash." It usually isn't and order. Yet, since it is a you statement most men will take it as such. It sounds like something their mother would tell them. She doesn't mean it as an order, but men who are unaware will take it as such.

I know about it and still have to remind myself. It's not what is said but the tone., which implies the asking. Most people will increase the pitch at the very end if it is a question, and lower on an order.
@EleGirl

You talk of the resentment of husbands towards wives, and denying wives sex. 
Recently i was getting some work done on equipment. My wife was with me. He's a really good natured guy and takes a good view of most things. 
While working he got to asking if my wife would try to tell me our turn was coming up, traffic light was red, someone was turning etc. Said he enjoys it cause he can zone out.
He said his wife has for well over 20 years. She asked him one day after he made a trip how he was able to travel on his own without getting lost.
He said he told her, Baby, if you're with me I know I can just zone out, because you will tell me anything I need to know. So I just let you drive. When I am by myself I pay attention. He was laughing.

This man looked for humor and good. A man of another type attitude may well to take offense and eventually become resentful. Compound it with misunderstanding other communications from her..........

He gave me a different perspective.


----------



## As'laDain

There are a million different reasons why men and women resent each other. 

Whats funny is that a relationship can often survive people lashing out at each other when resentment starts to build, but it can not survive when it just builds and builds without end. 

Hence why there are so many couples out there that get into explosive arguments from time to time amd yet remain together.


----------



## red oak

As'laDain said:


> There are a million different reasons why men and women resent each other.
> 
> Whats funny is that a relationship can often survive people lashing out at each other when resentment starts to build, but it can not survive when it just builds and builds without end.
> 
> Hence why there are so many couples out there that get into explosive arguments from time to time amd yet remain together.


I agree. Many issues arise from an inability to talk about an annoyance. Whether out of fear of minimization, or being ignored, so it builds until they release it through anger.

Those who repress, anger turns to resentment. 

Kind of makes me wonder if resentment might could be classed as anger at one self for failure to voice grievances.


----------



## DTO

Girl_power said:


> If I don’t feel confident about myself, it doesn’t matter what the man does, because it’s not about him. No women is the same. Some women need to feel confident physically (and when they feel ugly/fat they can’t have sex), some women need to feel empowered in their careers/finically/bad ass boss (and when their career is flailing they can’t have sex). Some women love to feel small, and feminine and “weak” by being with a man that makes them feel that way, (and when the women loses respect for her man, she can’t have sex). My point is that it’s about what the women is feeling, and how that makes her feel confident and sexy and unstoppable. It’s about her, not you. Resentment is an ugly word. But sometimes when women don’t feel good/confident they need their man to recognize this and realize it’s not about him and he needs to help support her in a way that will build her confidence up in the specific way that she needs it.


Agree, to an extent - and I've faced this issue. While I need to be supportive and uplifting, my partner needs to get comfortable with the current situation while working on herself.

Resolving body image and career issues happens over the long term, if at all. What if fixing your career means going back to school? What if you aren't cut out to be a lawyer, no matter how much you want it? 

You correctly said that sometimes it's not about the man and there's not much he can do. At what point does that translate to working on acceptance and being a good wife regardless?


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> "After women were given the right to vote many men had envious resentment. Why? Rights free of socially inherent responsibilities required of men to do the same"
> 
> Read this sentence again slowly, especially the last part, and see if you can tell me exactly what is wrong with it.
> 
> And after that, think real hard about that phrase concerning women who are stay-at-home moms having all sorts of a leisure.


Wasnt going to respond but got triggered elsewhere here. 
Question on sentence. Study and you will understand. 

On the stay at home leisure. I will give only 3 examples of numerous from my life. I wont even get into time my mom, grandmom even though they still had wringer washers, cooked every meal from scratch, and canned large portions of what we ate. 

Before the days of microwaves even, and people feeding boxes cereals; my dad best friend's wife was a stay at home mom who had 4 children, kept an immaculate house, yet still had time to travel to meet a boyfriend until she got caught and divorced.

Many years ago I was pursued by am older woman with three kids. Come to find out she too was a stay at home mom with 3 children who was cheating while her husband worked. Kept a good house too. When I found out she was married and told her I was done, she had time to stalk me, until I threatened to tell her husband.

Years later I met a woman who was a clean freak, we met up a few times, and come to find out she was married and a stay at home mom with 2 kids. Found out on times she wasn't seeing me she was seeing one of three others. 

Know what they all said? They didn't know what to do with all the time they had on their hands during the day. Nothing to do. Bored. 

Plus, when I took care of all around the house for a time everything was done by 9am and I had all day.

This doesn't even get into my dads first wife, or several others. 
If stay at home moms had such leisure before all these modern conveniences, and my own experience I stand by what I said..


----------



## personofinterest

I'm sorry you have chosen this sad path. Just dont take a good woman with you on this chosen ride of bitterness.


----------



## red oak

What took place during time of suffragette movement and why some men fostered resentment at said time I have decided to expound
i mentioned dangers of knee jerk reactions. My wife is a very intelligent woman......

I remember one college age man made a video of why he was resentful. He considered it wrong he had mandated requirements, relating to responsibilities he had to fulfill, which women were free of, before being eligible for college assistance such as loans and grants. One of which was to register for selective service/draft to be eligible for such aid, plus be guilty of a felony for failure to do so which would prevent him being eligible to vote. Although Congress attempted to rectify by requiring women to register the house blocked it and scotus ruled against it.

To understand one must know history more in depth and how it was perceived, in the time, to know why some men during suffragette period could be resentful one should start with the Sept 21 1912 Milwaukee journal.

As found then and now males still had responsibility above and beyond that required of females, although men are usually no longer jailed for failure to pay their wife"s debt or taxes on income she had separately. Therefore; although politically incorrect to say so; then and now women were free of socially inherent responsibilities required of men to do the same.

If stating facts I have witnessed in my life, and others well documented somehow connotes I am bitter, I find it strange. 

Let's just call a truce. 
Peace!


----------



## aine

red oak said:


> What took place during time of suffragette movement and why some men fostered resentment at said time I have decided to expound
> i mentioned dangers of knee jerk reactions. My wife is a very intelligent woman......
> 
> I remember one college age man made a video of why he was resentful. He considered it wrong he had mandated requirements, relating to responsibilities he had to fulfill, which women were free of, before being eligible for college assistance such as loans and grants. One of which was to register for selective service/draft to be eligible for such aid, plus be guilty of a felony for failure to do so which would prevent him being eligible to vote. Although Congress attempted to rectify by requiring women to register the house blocked it and scotus ruled against it.
> 
> To understand one must know history more in depth and how it was perceived, in the time, to know why some men during suffragette period could be resentful one should start with the Sept 21 1912 Milwaukee journal.
> 
> As found then and now males still had responsibility above and beyond that required of females, although men are usually no longer jailed for failure to pay their wife"s debt or taxes on income she had separately. Therefore; although politically incorrect to say so; then and now women were free of socially inherent responsibilities required of men to do the same.
> 
> If stating facts I have witnessed in my life, and others well documented somehow connotes I am bitter, I find it strange.
> 
> Let's just call a truce.
> Peace!



Well it is a man’s world in the majority of life’s goings on, so suck it up, you can’t have authority without responsibility, right?


----------



## red oak

aine said:


> Well it is a man’s world in the majority of life’s goings on, so suck it up, you can’t have authority without responsibility, right?


LOL.
Being no one has any authority for major life decisions I wouldn't call it a man's world.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Men are not the privileged class.
White men are not the privileged class.
Older white men are not the privileged class.

I Know this because it is not a hate crime to beat an older white man nearly to death with a brick in the streets.


----------



## As'laDain

aine said:


> Well it is a man’s world in the majority of life’s goings on, so suck it up, you can’t have authority without responsibility, right?


I actually agree with those who say that women should be required to sign up for selective service. 

Why should women be exempt?


----------



## Gain Knowledge

Red Oak, i think your original post was dead on que in most situations.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

As'laDain said:


> I actually agree with those who say that women should be required to sign up for selective service.
> 
> Why should women be exempt?


You mean for the infantry or support roles?


----------



## sokillme

It's my observation that a lot of threads like this would be a lot more accurate and less controversial if you just changed the word (women or men) to the word *******s.


----------



## As'laDain

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You mean for the infantry or support roles?


All roles, since all roles are open to women who volunteer.


----------



## Mr. Nail

The selective service question was bound to pop up here. It's an antiquated law that only results in duplicate record keeping. There hasn't been a draft since vietnam. We're starting to run out of people who remember the draft.

Selective service and me: I was in University in a neighboring state on my 18th birthday. I sent the card in at the student union post office. A few months later I returned to my home state. Neglected to inform SS of the move. About a year later I left the country for 2 years, did not inform SS. From 21 to 25 I married, moved states twice and fathered a child. Did not report any of this to SS as far as they knew I was still living in my freshman dorm. So my big dumb question is why are we still doing this 25 years later, creating and maintaining a useless inaccurate database?


----------



## red oak

Mr. Nail said:


> The selective service question was bound to pop up here. It's an antiquated law that only results in duplicate record keeping. There hasn't been a draft since vietnam. We're starting to run out of people who remember the draft.
> 
> Selective service and me: I was in University in a neighboring state on my 18th birthday. I sent the card in at the student union post office. A few months later I returned to my home state. Neglected to inform SS of the move. About a year later I left the country for 2 years, did not inform SS. From 21 to 25 I married, moved states twice and fathered a child. Did not report any of this to SS as far as they knew I was still living in my freshman dorm. So my big dumb question is why are we still doing this 25 years later, creating and maintaining a useless inaccurate database?


I guess you were lucky. They wound up sending me 2 more letters to update resident. 
You know what was nuts? Army had already turned me down medically. :grin2:


----------



## red oak

As'laDain said:


> All roles, since all roles are open to women who volunteer.


I would say only if there are all women combat units. 
Most men I know who have served with women under actual fire don't want the extra stress. I have a relative who was among first to land in desert storm. Most of the women, not all, from his company wound up getting sent home.

That alone has created resentment among some men.

My first day at my unit over 30 years ago, on the delayed entry program hadn't been to basic, I walked to the door and their was a female soldier right behind me. I was always taught it's polite to hold the door for anyone, man or woman, that close behind you. 
I got told real quick by higher ranks, very adamantly, To Never, Ever, Ever do that again unless I wanted to be brought up on charges of harassment, it didn't matter I would have done the same for a man. Let the door slam in their face I was told.

All I will say about it.


----------



## As'laDain

red oak said:


> I would say only if there are all women combat units.
> Most men I know who have served with women under actual fire don't want the extra stress. I have a relative who was among first to land in desert storm. Most of the women, not all, from his company wound up getting sent home.
> 
> That alone has created resentment among some men.
> 
> My first day at my unit over 30 years ago, on the delayed entry program hadn't been to basic, I walked to the door and their was a female soldier right behind me. I was always taught it's polite to hold the door for anyone, man or woman, that close behind you.
> I got told real quick by higher ranks, very adamantly, To Never, Ever, Ever do that again unless I wanted to be brought up on charges of harassment, it didn't matter I would have done the same for a man. Let the door slam in their face I was told.
> 
> All I will say about it.



I don't want to be in a fire fight with most females i have known in the army either. There are a few i wouldn't mind having at my side in a fire fight, however. I currently work with one. She is in a victor coded position and easily meets and exceeds all standards that her male counterparts must meet. 

That said, she is quite rare in the army. She is a bit of a legend because she is such an outlier. 

The way i see it though, if we really want equality, then we need to treat both sexes the same. If women really want to be seen as equal in all senses of the law, then they should not be exempt from being forced into combat should our nation decide to draft people into service. 

I dont resent anyone because of it, but i do think less of the ones who claim to espouse equality, saying that women are just as capable in combat and should be allowed to serve in any role, but claim that it is a mans place to be drafted. 

I have heard a lot of feminists espouse that view. To me, it is a very entitled view. 

Personally, i think they should do away with selective service altogether.


----------



## Red Sonja

red oak said:


> As found then and *now* males still had responsibility above and beyond that required of females, although men are usually no longer jailed for failure to pay their wife"s debt or taxes on income she had separately. Therefore; although politically incorrect to say so; then and *now* women were free of socially inherent responsibilities required of men to do the same.
> 
> *If stating facts I have witnessed in my life*, and others well documented somehow connotes I am bitter, I find it strange.


You might want to step away from the history books and get out and observe the (current) real world. The above statements qualified by "now" are entirely *false* (as opposed to politically incorrect) in societies where the governing body is not based in religion.

Do you live in Saudi Arabia (or similar) by chance?


----------



## red oak

Red Sonja said:


> You might want to step away from the history books and get out and observe the (current) real world. The above statements qualified by "now" are entirely *false* (as opposed to politically incorrect) in societies where the governing body is not based in religion.
> 
> Do you live in Saudi Arabia (or similar) by chance?


:smile2: Nope. :smile2:


----------



## uhtred

Is that the rule in the military now - never hold doors for anyone? Interesting. I can see it since it can become a weird show of authority that might run counter to rank in some situations. 






red oak said:


> I would say only if there are all women combat units.
> Most men I know who have served with women under actual fire don't want the extra stress. I have a relative who was among first to land in desert storm. Most of the women, not all, from his company wound up getting sent home.
> 
> That alone has created resentment among some men.
> 
> My first day at my unit over 30 years ago, on the delayed entry program hadn't been to basic, I walked to the door and their was a female soldier right behind me. I was always taught it's polite to hold the door for anyone, man or woman, that close behind you.
> I got told real quick by higher ranks, very adamantly, To Never, Ever, Ever do that again unless I wanted to be brought up on charges of harassment, it didn't matter I would have done the same for a man. Let the door slam in their face I was told.
> 
> All I will say about it.


----------



## As'laDain

uhtred said:


> Is that the rule in the military now - never hold doors for anyone? Interesting. I can see it since it can become a weird show of authority that might run counter to rank in some situations.


It is not a rule as far as i have seen. 

I do remember, back in my infantry days, there being a lot of fear about it though. i HAVE encountered females who have lodged complaints against every NCO that has ever been in charge of them. They usually don't last long in the army.


----------



## personofinterest

LOL

The reason women weren't required to register for the draft is because women were the primary caregivers of children. And guess what - they still are, by a landslide majority. Yeah, they are, no matter what sad little Reddit ranters say.

What a bunch of babymen lol


----------



## red oak

uhtred said:


> Is that the rule in the military now - never hold doors for anyone? Interesting. I can see it since it can become a weird show of authority that might run counter to rank in some situations.


As I said that was over 30 years ago when they were just starting to allow them in companies @As'laDain seems to more knowledgeable now.


----------



## red oak

As'laDain said:


> It is not a rule as far as i have seen.
> 
> I do remember, back in my infantry days, there being a lot of fear about it though. i HAVE encountered females who have lodged complaints against every NCO that has ever been in charge of them. They usually don't last long in the army.


My experience was during the beginning of women in units with men, and there was the fear you mentioned, all it would take was an accusation.


----------



## As'laDain

personofinterest said:


> LOL
> 
> The reason women weren't required to register for the draft is because women were the primary caregivers of children. And guess what - they still are, by a landslide majority. Yeah, they are, no matter what sad little Reddit ranters say.
> 
> What a bunch of babymen lol


Ah, so young single fathers with primary custody should not be required to register. 

I agree.


----------



## As'laDain

personofinterest said:


> If the father is the only caregiver, it makes sense to me
> 
> 
> I'm sorry you're so angry at women. Sounds like maybe you'd benefit from some counseling. Maybe you and the 4 or 5 other sad men here could get a group rate


Who said i was angry at women? All i said was that if women are equally capable of serving in any role in the military as men, then they should be required to register for the draft. In other words, if women are equal to men, they should be treated equal to men under the law. 

Does that make me angry at women? Sad? A manbaby? In need of counseling?

Those are all YOUR words.


----------



## 269370

personofinterest said:


> If the father is the only caregiver, it makes sense to me
> 
> 
> I'm sorry you're so angry at women. Sounds like maybe you'd benefit from some counseling. Maybe you and the 4 or 5 other sad men here could get a group rate




Haha. How much is $200 an hour divided by 3.6 billion??


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

red oak said:


> Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.



The ‘overall theme’ is that there are usually two sides to a story. And yes, some people are ****ty people. There are even some ‘general traits’ that are more common among one gender vs another. 
That still doesn’t mean you can make generalisations.
It’s a bit like those threads about how deep down, most men are apparently rapists and should apologise on behalf of each other whenever there’s a crime committed by another man somewhere. Because, you know, as a gender, we are all responsible for each other.
Ridiculous.

If you reword your post and change it to ‘some women do Blabla....’ then maybe there might be a conversation. Although someone will write back ‘but what about men doing Blabla bla....’
Still probably quite pointless.

I think that’s how this website gets enough clicks to pay for itself  Too much blablabla.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

personofinterest said:


> But see....I AM a woman. I'm smart enough not to assume how all MEN think.



But you KNOW how we all think: with the little head  
I’m going to contemplate that one for 5 minutes next to a box of tissues 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Mr. Nail

personofinterest said:


> LOL
> -snip-
> 
> What a bunch of babymen lol





EleGirl said:


> Thank you for visiting Talk About Marriage. -snip-
> 
> *3. No mean spirited bashing of a group.* A pattern of mean spirited comments directed at a clearly defined group will result in a ban.
> 
> -snip-


I've always known that there was a major exception to this "rule"


----------



## red oak

inmyprime said:


> The ‘overall theme’ is that there are usually two sides to a story. And yes, some people are sh1tty people. There are even some ‘general traits’ that are more common among one gender vs another.
> That still doesn’t mean you can make generalisations.
> It’s a bit like those threads about how deep down, most men are apparently rapists and should apologise on behalf of each other whenever there’s a crime committed by another man somewhere. Because, you know, as a gender, we are all responsible for each other.
> Ridiculous.
> 
> If you reword your post and change it to ‘some women do Blabla....’ then maybe there might be a conversation. Although someone will write back ‘but what about men doing Blabla bla....’
> Still probably quite pointless.
> 
> I think that’s how this website gets enough clicks to pay for itself  Too much blablabla.


I understand what you mean. Yes, I could have reworded the post. 
However, if read for actual content, without any preconceived ideas or biased notions, I was very specific referring to those whose husbands were clueless where the resentment came from. (Troubled husbands) I even expounded in a follow up post.

It fascinates me so many always look outside at another before first looking inside to ask why they feel a certain way.

With resentment if someone will look inside first to understand why, and where it comes from, sometimes it can be a derivative of, "lifes so unfair," mentality 

Resentment my ex had for me wasn't because of anything I did or didn't do. It was resentment because of a failed dream of her's that was nigh impossible for most to achieve anyway. She often didn't like herself. Maybe I will put my story here eventually. 

Projection of blame, especially in a relationship, is so easy as it takes responsibility off oneself, and places it onto another. Breeding ground for resentment and disaster. 

To make a point I will step in to the knees :smile2: even though my wife thinks it's much deeper:
to accuse someone of bias, without knowing them, shows bias in the judging party. Their judgment is actually a projection of their own bias, as they lack factual information to make an unbiased observation. 
Therefore, without knowing ourselves, we are ill-equipped to know whether our resentment towards another is projection or substantiated.


----------



## 269370

red oak said:


> I understand what you mean. Yes, I could have reworded the post.
> 
> However, if read for actual content, without any preconceived ideas or biased notions, I was very specific referring to those whose husbands were clueless where the resentment came from. (Troubled husbands) I even expounded in a follow up post.
> 
> 
> 
> It fascinates me so many always look outside at another before first looking inside to ask why they feel a certain way.
> 
> 
> 
> With resentment if someone will look inside first to understand why, and where it comes from, sometimes it can be a derivative of, "lifes so unfair," mentality
> 
> 
> 
> Resentment my ex had for me wasn't because of anything I did or didn't do. It was resentment because of a failed dream of her's that was nigh impossible for most to achieve anyway. She often didn't like herself. Maybe I will put my story here eventually.


Yes and no matter how relevant that was in your case, I’m not sure it does anything taking THIS specific case and extrapolate it onto women in aggregate (which is how it came across in the original post).

One other thing to bear in mind is that while it’s fascinating to rationalise about all the possible reasons, sometimes **** just happens and it is not meant to work out.


There will be many other women who won’t treat you (or whoever) that way. So...onwards and asswards! (As we say in the prison 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## red oak

inmyprime said:


> Yes and no matter how relevant that was in your case, I’m not sure it does anything taking THIS specific case and extrapolate it onto women in aggregate (which is how it came across in the original post).
> 
> One other thing to bear in mind is that while it’s fascinating to rationalise about all the possible reasons, sometimes **** just happens and it is not meant to work out.


I mention one case from personal experience and extrapolated it onto all women in your opinion? Intriguing!
However to make such a biased assumption without knowing I have acquired 47 years worth of conscious rememberd study/observations of people, marriages, forums such as these, study of psych as pass time, 
Please refer to previous post on bias.

If one believes in "fate" which can be a cop out for one or both parties not wanting to put in work, or feeling it'snot worth the effort. Then yes maybe some arent meant to work out.


----------



## 269370

red oak said:


> I mention one case from personal experience and extrapolated it onto all women in your opinion? Intriguing!
> 
> However to make such a biased assumption without knowing I have acquired 47 years worth of conscious rememberd study/observations of people, marriages, forums such as these, study of psych as pass time,
> 
> Please refer to previous post on bias.
> 
> 
> 
> If one believes in "fate" which can be a cop out for one or both parties not wanting to put in work, or feeling it'snot worth the effort. Then yes maybe some arent meant to work out.




Look up ‘confirmation bias’ with regards to your ‘observations’.

You talk about ‘female nature’ in your OP and you don’t think you are generalising? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## red oak

inmyprime said:


> Look up ‘confirmation bias’ with regards to your ‘observations’.
> 
> You talk about ‘female nature’ in your OP and you don’t think you are generalising?


LOL. I know of confirmation bias. No sir! I know where I was coming from. :smile2: To eradicate doubt I stated plainly later what it was written for. 

I do appreciate you pointing out I could have written it different. I learned long ago no matter what some one is going to take offense. Kind of like the allegory of the donkey, farmer's wife walking him riding, some one asks whats wrong with him. Wife rides, another comes along and says it's stupid for him to be walking, when it's capable to carry them both. Then another comes along and says how cruel..........


----------



## red oak

Red Sonja said:


> The above statements qualified by "now" are entirely *false* (as opposed to politically incorrect) in societies where the governing body is not based in religion.


Example: Collection agencies wanted to take me to court to pay medical, and other bills, on my previous wife. Even if we had been estranged or legally separated, instead of divorced, in my state, if she didn't, or wouldn't pay I was responsible, for them or any other debts she made. That was less than 10yrs ago! I don't think it's like that in all states. Hopefully they have changed it here. As told to me then the courts still see the man as the major responsible party of debts accrued in a marriage.


----------



## personofinterest

Mr. Nail said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> LOL
> -snip-
> 
> What a bunch of babymen lol
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for visiting Talk About Marriage. -snip-
> 
> *3. No mean spirited bashing of a group.* A pattern of mean spirited comments directed at a clearly defined group will result in a ban.
> 
> -snip-
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I've always known that there was a major exception to this "rule"
Click to expand...

Aw...bwess it....let's go count the number of times we read "women always" or some permutation just on this thread.

Are you that know it all girl in the class who keeps up with everyone else's demerits?


----------



## Mr. Nail

Women Always get away with bashing men. tick


----------



## personofinterest

Mr. Nail said:


> Women Always get away with bashing men. tick


Would you have cited the rules if I had said "vagina hat wearing banshees"? (A phrase I have been known to use online lol)


----------



## Mr. Nail

personofinterest said:


> Would you have cited the rules if I had said "vagina hat wearing banshees"? (A phrase I have been known to use online lol)


In truth some time last week I was reviewing the "rules", when I got to #3 I realized right away that that rule needed to be amended to define the well defined groups that are excluded from protection under this rule. Men, Short men, old men, White men, and old, short,white men. 

Now you are just saying that you want to add some other unprotected groups, that's fine. 

You could have done it without the name calling as I did. But you didn't and thanks for illustrating my point.


----------



## personofinterest

Mr. Nail said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> Would you have cited the rules if I had said "vagina hat wearing banshees"? (A phrase I have been known to use online lol)
> 
> 
> 
> In truth some time last week I was reviewing the "rules", when I got to #3 I realized right away that that rule needed to be amended to define the well defined groups that are excluded from protection under this rule. Men, Short men, old men, White men, and old, short,white men.
> 
> Now you are just saying that you want to add some other unprotected groups, that's fine.
> 
> You could have done it without the name calling as I did. But you didn't and thanks for illustrating my point.
Click to expand...

And thanks for SUPERBLY illustrating mine lol


----------



## 269370

Can’t we all just get along, as a (minority?) GROUP of (slightly) sexually frustrated people just passing time on the net? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## red oak

A needed addition. Also look at health and diet.

If a wife (and since women read) or husband, starts acting differently, before automatically assuming they are resentful or cheating, check any warnings and side effects of any medications. Verify if hasn't recently started taking any kind of new medication? New foods perhaps?

Many years ago my wifes behavior began to subtly change. I put off as hormonal, but it quickly progressed. I just happened to read the "black box" warning on a medication she had been taking for a couple weeks. (No it wasnt for a mental condition, an adverse reaction, which required immediate discontinuation was, altering of mood and personality changes.) 
It took about a month before she got fully back to the loving logical woman I loved.


----------



## WorkingWife

As'laDain said:


> Who said i was angry at women? All i said was that if women are equally capable of serving in any role in the military as men, then they should be required to register for the draft. In other words, if women are equal to men, they should be treated equal to men under the law.
> 
> Does that make me angry at women? Sad? A manbaby? In need of counseling?
> 
> Those are all YOUR words.


There is a difference between being equal and being the same. I am a woman who was in the military and I don't think women should be serving in combat positions. I think the reason goes much deeper than "are they equal or even capable" No matter how bad people want men and women to be the same, they simply are not. Most men will instinctively want to protect and impress women and in a combat situation that drive could really impair judgment. Throw in some romantic connections, which you're going to have regardless of any "rules" imposed and it's even worse.

With that said, I get your overall point -- it seems to me that a lot of people want to SAY that men and women are the "same" on one hand and insist on preferential treatment for women on the other hand. Sticking with the military theme, the physical strength requirements are much less for women than men, at least they were when I was in many years ago. (Thank God!)


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

As'laDain said:


> Ah, so *young single fathers with primary custody* should not be required to register. .


I agree. All 8 of them should be exempt. >


----------



## As'laDain

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I agree. All 8 of them should be exempt. >


Its kinda crazy. I work with all 8 of them!


----------



## red oak

I love stories. 
I'm going to tell a story. 

Once long ago, a boy of 7 used to read the bible every night. Not some child's bible. A real one. He didn't know until he was an adult he shouldn't have even been able read the big words in it, let alone understand it.

One Saturday night as always he prayed with his child's faith and let the bible fall open where it will and began to read all on those pages. The next day was easter Sunday. The preacher taught a lesson. The little boy listening intently couldn't help notice the preachers words were in direct contradiction to what he read. 

After the service, at the annual easter church dinner the little boy, seriously wanting to learn, waited respectfully for a pause in the adults talking. He asked the preacher if he could have a moment to discuss the sermon. The boy then quoted the several verses he had read the night before, asking the preacher to please explain why he says such and such, yet the quoted verses say such and such. "You're taking things out of context." The preacher said. 

To which the boy replied, "those verses," and quoted several more, both old and new testament, "say same, would you explain how I am misunderstanding?" 

A look of consternation crossed the man's face, his eyes widened, he stumbled for an answer. After several moments of jaw hanging open he gathered his senses. Looked crossly at the boy and told him, "don't worry about that, you can’t understand. Don't ask so many questions. You just be concerned with what I tell you," and hurriedly walked off. 

Now the boy was really hurt. He had a drive for learning truth. Preacher so taken back a child could ask a question he couldn't answer had violated mark 9;24.
Talking with adults on real topics, not make believe, was one of his sources which fulfilled his needs for indepth conversation and discovery.

Boy's grandfather heard of it sometime later, sat him down and explained, "people are more interested in what's easy, and don't like anything that makes them question themselves. I know what it's like. Learn for yourself. Seek the truth for yourself. A foolish person derides, and mocks because they can't, or don't want to, understand." Upon completion of this discussion his grandfather started giving the boy books on subjects many have never heard of. Some of which are now being promoted as "new discoveries" or mysteries. This boy, now a man, just shakes his head, and remembers the conversations he had with his grandfather many years ago every-time a new discovery; of which he read tomes on as a child, to be called fantastical by teachers if mentioned to them: is touted in the news, and science journals. 

Years later said boy became a man. 

He remembers his grandfather telling him to question everything with an open mind. 
There came an occurrence where the man saw signs posted of wanting people to partake in a survey. 
Thinking for a few days why such an odd survey would take place and running many scenarios he came to a conclusion of likely reasons and results.

He tried to tell others of most likely reason. “Never happen,” they said. “No one will ever allow it,” they said. “It’s not possible,” they said. “No one would ever agree to paying for what we have always done for free,” they said.

Less than 15 years later a “salesman” of sorts was sent to sell them the very idea they were told would take place. A very few, who the man didn't know, tried too late to fight legally. All who said never, except the man who warned them became eager to pay handsomely, for that they once enjoyed for free. Every couple years they pay even more handsomely.

Said man had many such experiences while still a child and into adulthood.

A lifetime of such experiences has shown him what one’s reactions speak of an individual, and sadly, has made him used to much childishness. As a result 80% of all he learns is kept to himself.

Such given experiences have allowed and insight hard to describe.
Does he have resentment? Yes. Resentment towards ignorance, apathy, and idiocy instead of race, creed, or gender. Resentment things which actually matter, and truly important are minimized? Yes. Towards any section of society? No! 
:smile2:

I have written this for enjoyment of TAM members on 11/24/2018. No permission is given, to sell content in any shape, or form.


----------



## personofinterest

I think most honest people will say they have some resentment.

Resentment is about me, in the final analysis.

If I allow my resentment to define others....

That says more about me than it does them.

For example....I had a crappy preacher during part of my childhood too.

I don't choose to define all preachers. Christians, or people who step on my toes by him.


----------



## red oak

personofinterest said:


> I think most honest people will say they have some resentment.
> 
> Resentment is about me, in the final analysis.
> 
> If I allow my resentment to define others....
> 
> That says more about me than it does them.
> 
> For example....I had a crappy preacher during part of my childhood too.
> 
> I don't choose to define all preachers. Christians, or people who step on my toes by him.


Only when someone steps on our toes do we learn about ourselves. Our triggers help us to become self observant and grow if we self-evaluate before reacting!
:smile2:

I better digress.


----------



## personofinterest

"Only when someone steps on our toes do we learn about ourselves. Our triggers help us to become self observant and grow if we self-evaluate before reacting!"

This is so true.

I admit I sometimes get the order wrong; I react and then self-evaluate.

I'm definitely flawed.

I've been known to be wrong. Which is why I dont fear the words "I'm sorry."


----------



## MattMatt

@red oak If you genuinely do not want posts on an open Internet forum to be shared, the best thing to do is to not make those posts in the first place?


----------



## red oak

MattMatt said:


> @red oak If you genuinely do not want posts on an open Internet forum to be shared, the best thing to do is to not make those posts in the first place?


I used terminology from a blog I once had without thinking. I'll fix it. I don't mind it being shared per se, as long as no one charges for it. Why we don't write much anymore. We have both found our stuff in printed form. :smile2:

Maybe we both just need to write a book.


----------



## Violet28

red oak said:


> Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage.
> 
> Granted. What I dislike is too often the blame is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.
> 
> I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature.
> 
> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.
> 
> One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.
> 
> Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.
> 
> Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.
> 
> I have gone through it recently with the competition aspect. I have a business and often heard complaints how mine was doing better than hers. I could here the resentment in the tone and wording. Yes her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.
> 
> I never called my business "mine." I called it "ours." She never called what she was doing as ours even though I was the one allowing it to take place through what I was doing.
> 
> I will leave off here.
> 
> Remember those above are from psychology, Not some opinion of mine.
> 
> I write this for those who are doing everything they think they can and are feeling like failures. It may not be you. It could be, but not necessarily, almost anything other than you.


Your basic premise is that conflict can arise based not on your actions but how others perceive you based on their internal working model?


----------



## MattMatt

red oak said:


> I used terminology from a blog I once had without thinking. I'll fix it. I don't mind it being shared per se, as long as no one charges for it. Why we don't write much anymore. We have both found our stuff in printed form. :smile2:
> 
> Maybe we both just need to write a book.


I am, in a different life, far, far away, a published author.


----------



## red oak

Violet28 said:


> Your basic premise is that conflict can arise based not on your actions but how others perceive you based on their internal working model?


Mostly yes. "Can" being the key word. In no way am I saying all.

An example from the animal kingdom.
I have a dog we got older than normal. 
When we first got him if you reached for his head he would yelp like hit, snarling and snapping in fear.
When I came home in the evening, and was flustered from traffic, people or just a rough day, and reached to pet him he would get bug eyed, and flinch. 
If I had something in one hand and reached for his collar with the other he would bite. Taking a lot of love and understanding.
His behavior was defensive. A model formed for him from his experiences before we got him. I have never hit him. Such would be a Big Mistake regarding him ever trusting me.

His behavior wasn't because of anything I had done, or was doing wrong. It was instead based on his perceptions of the behavior modeled to him before us.

Animals react from experience. People are a little more complicated as we have the added mental script, or verbal perceptions, along with the behavior.


----------



## red oak

MattMatt said:


> I am, in a different life, far, far away, a published author.


That's awesome!


----------



## Violet28

red oak said:


> Mostly yes. "Can" being the key word. In no way am I saying all.
> 
> An example from the animal kingdom.
> I have a dog we got older than normal.
> When we first got him if you reached for his head he would yelp like hit, snarling and snapping in fear.
> When I came home in the evening, and was flustered from traffic, people or just a rough day, and reached to pet him he would get bug eyed, and flinch.
> If I had something in one hand and reached for his collar with the other he would bite. Taking a lot of love and understanding.
> His behavior was defensive. A model formed for him from his experiences before we got him. I have never hit him. Such would be a Big Mistake regarding him ever trusting me.
> 
> His behavior wasn't because of anything I had done, or was doing wrong. It was instead based on his perceptions of the behavior modeled to him before us.
> 
> Animals react from experience. People are a little more complicated as we have the added mental script, or verbal perceptions, along with the behavior.


That can all be summed by saying an internal working model. You have a complicated way of stating simple things. 



red oak said:


> Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage.
> 
> Granted. What I dislike is too often the blame is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.
> 
> *I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature. *
> 
> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.
> 
> One variant; women buy the fairy tail. Get married, find a guy and everything will be hunky dory. When the actual struggles of life crop up, they subconsciously place the blame on him, as the struggles continue they begin to resent him because she was taught the happy ever after with no issues.
> 
> Another variant; competition. Subconsciously she is competing with her husband and resents she has to do so.
> 
> Their were more examples, but I have shown the overall theme.
> 
> I have gone through it recently with the competition aspect. I have a business and often heard complaints how mine was doing better than hers. I could here the resentment in the tone and wording. Yes her desire for sex went down, although she wouldn't turn me down I didn't want it on those terms.
> 
> I never called my business "mine." I called it "ours." She never called what she was doing as ours even though I was the one allowing it to take place through what I was doing.
> 
> I will leave off here.
> 
> *Remember those above are from psychology, Not some opinion of mine.*
> 
> I write this for those who are doing everything they think they can and are feeling like failures. It may not be you. It could be, but not necessarily, almost anything other than you.


I think what is causing some reactions to the above post is that you go out of your way to say that these aren't your opinions but psychology opinions, as if that gives them added merit. You also state that the writer had a 'good understanding of female nature', which could appear to be a sort of passive aggressive comment given your following examples of women's competition and the fairy tale expectations of their husbands. You say that you listen to understand but are you aware of how your statements could be interpreted as offensive?


----------



## red oak

Violet28 said:


> That can all be summed by saying an internal working model. You have a complicated way of stating simple things.
> 
> I think what is causing some reactions to the above post is that you go out of your way to say that these aren't your opinions but psychology opinions, as if that gives them added merit. You also state that the writer had a 'good understanding of female nature', which could appear to be a sort of passive aggressive comment given your following examples of women's competition and the fairy tale expectations of their husbands. You say that you listen to understand but are you aware of how your statements could be interpreted as offensive?



Thank you for pointing this out. I find myself frequently misunderstood. Putting things in a context others understand, who don't know me; as my wife didn't understand the fuss: is one of the difficulties of my personality I still struggle with. 

Most of my life I have had to give examples to be understood. What I am used to doing.

Good point. In more ways than one. How other's perceive what I wrote depends on "internal working model" of past experiences also it seems.

"Good understanding of female nature." was meant as a compliment to women, and her for caring. Without the feminine the world would be an extremely barren, and forlorn place.
My wife's feminine nature is refreshing. Heaven forbid someone piss her off though. :smile2:

Yes, I have sublimated anger turned to resentment, but am knowledge enough to know we are products of our experiences. To blame, and hold resentment for my ex, instead of the systems, for pain caused would show ignorance on my part. And projection? Did I get mad at the dog for the bite I took? No. He was reacting to what experience had taught him. People are the same.

I have been able to see depths of socially enforced inhibitory, process which sublimates into so many areas, and creates a cognitive dissonance which makes women second guess everything they do. "If I wear this will I appear to ****ty?" "Will this be too conservative?"
On the first night stay, some so worried how they look, or if he will still respect her, she can't even ****ing enjoy snuggling. "What will other people think?" On and on. Ad nausem. I abhor what has been perpetrated on women. Women more so than men, yet men have paid a price too. It's ****ing cruelty, and caused more heartache than any would imagine! These are psychological facts. 

Take **** walks. That's extreme, but it's part of the pendulum swing. For every action there is and equal and opposite reaction.

It appears I should have wrote all this first. Or put my mbti link up for other's to read first. (naa)  Really wasn't expecting a backlash, as my wife is usually good at spotting stuff ambivalent in nature.


----------



## bencoll

Do you still remember the title of the book? I am interested in reading it. (Pertaining to OP's original post)


----------



## red oak

bencoll said:


> Do you still remember the title of the book? I am interested in reading it. (Pertaining to OP's original post)


StilI have it somewhere. Wiill look to see if I can find it. Send a PM if I do. For me it pieced together personal research and studies.

I remember a quote, something I had realized long before.
"You are not responsible for having developed a difficulty...anymore than a stutterer for his stutter."
However, once you realize there is a problem you have the responsibility to bring everything to bear to fix it. Kind of goes against today's perpetual victim mentality.


----------



## WorkingWife

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I agree. All 8 of them should be exempt. >


I know a few single fathers with primary (or total) custody. It's a growing trend.


----------



## MattMatt

personofinterest said:


> Oh I agree with you. When someone says "You never listen," what they really mean is "You are not listening to me right now (or I don't feel heard right now), and I am frustrated." BUT, when they do the always/never thing, it puts the other person on the defensive. And it undermines the message because it is inaccurate.
> 
> I used to live with someone for whom you were only as good as your last failure. So you could be wonderful 99 days in a row, but if you faltered on the 100th day, that became what defined you.
> 
> It really sucks.


This is what I get at home:-

WIFE: "BlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblah!"
ME: "Yes, but..."
WIFE: "You never listen to me! You just won't ever shut up! All you do is constantly interrupt me and lecturer me and contradict everything I say!"
ME: _Sullen silence_
WIFE: "You never communicate with me anymore. Why? What have I done?"


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

MattMatt said:


> This is what I get at home:-
> 
> WIFE: "BlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblahBlahblahblahblahblah!"
> ME: "Yes, but..."
> WIFE: "You never listen to me! You just won't ever shut up! All you do is constantly interrupt me and lecturer me and contradict everything I say!"
> ME: _Sullen silence_
> WIFE: "You never communicate with me anymore. Why? What have I done?"


She sounds...lovely.


----------



## NobodySpecial

red oak said:


> Reading forum posts, I see so many that talk about a wife's resentment is often the reason for lack of sex in a marriage.
> 
> Granted. What I dislike is too often the *blame* is put on the man for what he is or isn't doing.


Why it is so hard for many people to actually fix problems in their marriage. Too focused on avoiding blame. Who CARES who is to "blame". 


> I read a book printed in the 1950's written by a woman psychiatrist or psychoanalyst. She had a good understanding of female nature.
> 
> Yes women often resent their husbands, but because on a deep level they fear and resent all men, or think somehow they will lose themselves.


Sigh.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

red oak said:


> Only when someone steps on our toes do we learn about ourselves. Our triggers help us to become self observant and grow if we self-evaluate before reacting!


I believe this is true because resentment is truly about ourselves, not the other person or situation... often resentment is about an unrealistic expectation much older and unresolved, thus unable to heal in our lives, and not the present.

Anger with the one being angry (ourselves) is hard to instill when we wish things were different, it is much easier to be angry at another for our weaknesses in situations we dislike.


----------



## red oak

NobodySpecial said:


> Why it is so hard for many people to actually fix problems in their marriage. Too focused on avoiding blame. Who CARES who is to "blame".


Agree. However look around. It's everywhere. Can't look, or listen to radio or TV without someone blaming somebody for something 

Same could be said of the nation. Fix the problems instead of trying to put blame on one party, race or nation.


----------



## NobodySpecial

red oak said:


> Agree. However look around. It's everywhere. Can't look, or listen to radio or TV without someone blaming somebody for something


Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?


----------



## red oak

NobodySpecial said:


> Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?


Now you want to wax philosophical?
I think they fried the chicken, scrambled the egg and wonder why no more eggs are appearing in the nest box. >
An old friend once said: as a society look to the leaders, and culture to know the state of the people.


----------



## NobodySpecial

red oak said:


> Now you want to wax philosophical?
> I think they fried the chicken, scrambled the egg and wonder why no more eggs are appearing in the nest box. >
> An old friend once said: as a society look to the leaders, and culture to know the state of the people.


lol.

We CHOOSE our leaders here in the USA where I am. We do not have a very good buyer beware attitude in that regard.


----------



## MattMatt

She'sStillGotIt said:


> She sounds...lovely.


Actually, she is lovely.  

It's just that she filters stuff through her ASD. 

"Matt! It's ridiculous! We have been waiting for this train for over an hour! It must be late!"
"Actually, we have been here for ten minutes and there's another five minutes before the train arrives."

:grin2:


----------



## red oak

NobodySpecial said:


> lol.
> 
> *We CHOOSE our leaders here in the USA where I am.* We do not have a very good buyer beware attitude in that regard.


His comment goes back to an old proverb based on the premise a nation gets what it is, The leaders being *a* (not *the*) representation of the majority, and the gullibility, or steadfastness of the populous whichever the case may be.


----------

