# Am I the Problem?



## usnwife (Sep 8, 2014)

So I've suffered from depression, anxiety, and somatization for about 5 years now. It's really only gotten worse as it's gone on. 
Now, I'm married and our relationship is really struggling. We've only been married for about six months, but we're constantly fighting. 
I worry that our issues are really just my issues and that it's me that has the problem. When I get very depressed, I feel angry and resentful towards my husband. I feel like everything is his fault, and I just start to hate him. 
I know, deep down, that I don't hate him, that I love him very much, but when I'm so deep in my depression, I feel as though I cannot admit that anything is my fault, that I've done anything wrong. I don't know how to stop saying such scathing, hurtful things, things that I don't mean at all. I feel I'm just driving a huge wedge between us.
Before you suggest it, yes I've had therapy/ counseling. Yes, I'm on medications. Things typically only get this bad when I run out of my medications, which has happened a few times. I'm usually very good at taking them, but our awful healthcare system makes it necessary for a small miracle to occur for me to get a new prescription. 
Anyway. I'm worried. I love my husband, but I keep starting fights and getting angry for no reason. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. Help!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

usnwife said:


> I know, deep down, that I don't hate him, that I love him very much, but when I'm so deep in my depression, I feel as though I cannot admit that anything is my fault, that I've done anything wrong. I don't know how to stop saying such scathing, hurtful things, things that I don't mean at all.



You can start by admitting when you are wrong and stop saying the hurtful things.

You are correct - this behavior will drive a wedge in between you two. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where it's fighting 24/7 and where their partner never admits fault and says nasty things to thing. It gets old.

Life is too short to be angry all the time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have a problem. However, do not think of yourself AS the problem, think of yourself as the SOLUTION, and find a way to make that happen.

Along with your other thread, be the solution. That means you'll have to take the lead with your issues. Your husband sounds like he's willing to work with you on things, but for that to be effective he needs you to communicate what works for you. I understand that's difficult and sometimes embarassing, but keep at it - it gets easier.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

:iagree:

It may help to identify the triggers that cause you to act this way as well and to work on curbing the unnecessary name calling and hatred. Count to 10? Deep breathing activities?


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

I second identifying your triggers. Write them all down in a list and go over with your husband why they are triggers and in what ways they affect you. Let him know what they are so if he's doing anything thats triggering you, he'll stop doing those actions or he'll know how to support you. At the very least he'll understand why you're reacting the way you are. 

Have you thought of meditation? I have bouts of depression and anxiety and meditation has helped the most out of everything. If you do decide to try it, start with five minutes then work your way up over time. 

Have you considered an intense cardio regimen? Or even an hour or two of walking daily? This is the second thing to help me the most with anxiety, depression and the frustration that comes along with it. I say this with no intention to be offensive, but it seems like you're using your husband like a punching bag. Instead of taking your frustrations out on your husband, put that excess energy into a positive thing. 

Regarding the name calling/ hurtful comments, tell your husband you need some alone time. When I feel like I'm going to start saying hurtful things I simply tell him that I'm feeling overwhelmed or volitle, and tell him I need to have a moment to myself. Remove yourself from the situation. He doesn't always like giving me the space at times but in the end we are much happier. He's not upset with me and I'm not upset with myself for saying things that I don't mean. 

I suggest this book to help with saying sorry and finding the right way to do it to help your spouse:  The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You have had therapy. What kind? Are you doing therapy now?



You sound pretty logical now about past events where you lost control and sad hurtful things -- is that correct? If so, what leads up to the hurtful words? Is it anxiety/worry?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't know your other thread. But just judging off what you offered here...

A lot of this sounds like a self love issue. You don't love yourself so you don't think other people should either. You think you're unworthy of the marriage and love of your "perfect" husband so you push and push your hate onto him. It's sort of like "see how ugly I am? See all this fighting? Don't you hate this? Don't you hate ME? Don't you think I am unworthy of your love?" 

Sorry - projecting there. If that doesn't fit you, feel free to ignore this post. I just know I have been there and done that and that's where it was coming from when I was at my deepest depression. I was suicidal at that time and wanted someone to give me a good excuse to end it. I can't believe people still loved me after seeing that side of me. Part of me wanted someone to just shake me and tell me that I was going to be OK and part of me truly wanted him to leave because I felt like he would eventually anyway when he had enough of dealing with my dumb mental health problems. I just so badly wanted to be normal for him to give him a marraige he deserves. 

Then I got a hold of myself (mostly because I have children and they are too young to understand mommy is a psycho path). I realized that how I feel about myself is more important than how anyone else feels about me.

Getting on the right meds and right dosage was also crucial. Once they started working, I felt like I took a step outside of myself and could see with the perspective of a third party how my actions and words seemed to other people. How bat**** crazy my mind was and how what I was heaving at my husband made no sense to him at all. 

I also agree with removing yourself when needed. The problem that I have is that I want to run away for weeks to just let my depression run its course before I come back, and that's not possible. So I have had to learn coping techniques to deal with the fact that at most I can grab an hour to decompress.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

do you work?


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