# Ok, need advice especiall from guys...I found out my hubby is using porn (sigh)



## Jackie T (Feb 7, 2014)

Hi everyone, I am new here and will try to make this short, sorry if I can't! I found out that my husband was using porn (that "Hamster" site) which actually I did not mind except for one thing. On the recommended videos (which are based on his so called "viewed videos") I found out that most recommendations are for videos with teens on it. Well, I confronted my husband about it and he swears he does not have a teen "thing", and to be honest on the seven years we have been married I never saw anything giving such indication. Now I don't consider myself naïve so I think when you know a guy for ten years and are married to him for seven you would notice if he has a teen fetish - I guess the "good" thing is that at least the teens on that site are not under aged (or so we think), however, having said that I know him, I found out also that he had a - OK, this is going to get a bit funny, sorry! - "hairy, mature" fetish and these two things I never guessed he liked, I was actually a bit surprised so my "I know him well" goes out the window, right? So this question goes to both sexes but especially to guys (and hopefully one (s) who uses that site with as much respect for his/their wife as it is possible for guys using porn), is this an indication of what he really likes? I know it is a dumb question considering the videos that popped up were based on his previous viewing but after he deleted his account I restored it (yes, I did, and not only once but twice) just so I could make sure he had not contacted anyone there, and on the second time I did it his recommendations by Hamster of "teen videos" did not pop up anymore. So I am thinking could this be a default of this site? I sure hope so. Please help, at this point we are looking into marriage counseling but my one of my main problems is that I am 4 years older than my husband though I look younger than I am, still being older than he is and now having to deal with this "teen" stuff is not helping anything. Please help! 

Jackie T.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you have an active sex life? Does he feel comfortable enough with you to bring up new ideas in the bedroom? Do you ever take him? Do you have hangups about sex?

I ask these questions, because that is why I have looked at porn. I don't mean to put this all on you, because it isn't all your fault if any. Just some ideas that may open the doors to better communications and a better life for both of you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't know what site you are refferring to specifically... But they are probably all the same.

Men like sex. Men like hairy bushes. Men like shaved bushes. Men like hearts shaved into them. Men like older women. Men like younger women. Men like porn. Men like sex with their wives. Men fantasize about sex with women they see. Men fantasize about sex with women they have never seen. Most men would rather have sex with their wife than any other woman on the planet. Which is much of the reason why he marries a woman in the first place.

The main thing I would wonder is what is your sex life like?
If he is not getting sex within his marriage, it's hard for you as his wife to control where exactly that will take him.

If he is extremely fulfilled like having sex daily with you and still masturbating frequently to porn, then I would think something is amiss.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

For a lot of men, porn is nothing more than an enactment of a fantasy. Why play a black and white poor quality made up video in your own head when you can have the thing in technicolor and Dolby 5.1? 

Do you feel sexually connected to your husband? Is your sex life fulfilling, interesting, and mutually satisfactory? As long as he isn't letting your intimacy suffer by spending too much time in front of the monitor, is there really a problem? 

I have a brother whose girlfriend is leaving him over this. She asked if he used porn, he said yes, about once a week, so she said "you've cheated on me" and walked out the door. He gave up his job, moved 2,000 miles away, and started his life over to be with her, and now this.

Don't be that woman.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I have a brother whose girlfriend is leaving him over this. She asked if he used porn, he said yes, about once a week, so she said "you've cheated on me" and walked out the door. He gave up his job, moved 2,000 miles away, and started his life over to be with her, and now this.
> 
> Don't be that woman.


Cletus...Was this something they had never discussed before moving in together? It seems kind of naive to move in with someone without knowing their porn and masturbation habits (or at least have some idea of them).

Do you know what kind of porn it was he was using? (Not that I want to hear what kind, I just wonder if you know what the girlfriend's specific opposition to it was).

I humbly suggest that there might be more to the story. Not saying there is, I am just wondering if you have all the details. Because almost all of my friends know their men use porn and they use it themselves sometimes, too...but none of them would up and leave unless there was more to the story. And the ones I've known who really left a man over it, it had usually progressed to something like live cam chats.

Or there was a lady in the SIM section once who had tween-aged kids and her husband kept watching hours and hours of violent rape porn of teenagers...but the story he told his friends was that it was just "regular, garden variety" porn. He painted it like "she has an opposition to porn" and the way she painted it was like "OMG my children are around his computer, and they have friends over, and he is fantasizing about violently raping teenagers".

Just curious.

To the OP...I am pretty sure you can your H can find a happy medium in this if you love each other and have a good sexual connection.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as a guy who's watched more porn than his mother would approve of... You're overthinking it. Many guys like porn with younger women. Many like porn with other ethnic types. Many like scenarios that they don't get at home (anal, multiple partners, etc). It doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to run off and try and have an orgy with a bunch of midget lesbians. It just means that the scenario depicted floated their boat at that time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Cletus...Was this something they had never discussed before moving in together? It seems kind of naive to move in with someone without knowing their porn and masturbation habits (or at least have some idea of them).


While it might seem naive to you or me, I don't think it's all that uncommon to not have a conversation with someone else about your masturbation habits. I know I didn't before I got married. 



> Do you know what kind of porn it was he was using? (Not that I want to hear what kind, I just wonder if you know what the girlfriend's specific opposition to it was).


Not specifically, but I've known him long enough to have a feel for it. I don't think he's into anything that would fall into the truly disturbing category.



> I humbly suggest that there might be more to the story. Not saying there is, I am just wondering if you have all the details. Because almost all of my friends know their men use porn and they use it themselves sometimes, too...but none of them would up and leave unless there was more to the story. And the ones I've known who really left a man over it, it had usually progressed to something like live cam chats.


I'm sure I don't have all of the details, and there were other issues in the relationship, but this was the non-negotiable one that sent her out the door. His girlfriend is a university professor minister's daughter with a strong feminist streak. I am not a bit surprised that she would take this position and label him as part of the white patriarchy that is bringing down women. 

It took my wife a really long time to come to grips with this question. I'll never forget the first time she found a Playboy (hey, I'm old - get over it) in the house. Playboy! If there is a less offensive form of pornography on the planet, I'm not aware of it. But my wife is more dedicated to the long term proposition of marriage, so we eventually adopted the Dan Savage approach to the problem - I pretend I don't use it, and she pretends to believe me. The older I get, the less pretending we both need to do.



> Or there was a lady in the SIM section once who had tween-aged kids and her husband kept watching hours and hours of violent rape porn of teenagers...





> To the OP...I am pretty sure you can your H can find a happy medium in this if you love each other and have a good sexual connection.


Yes, OP. Please do. Because the reality is, with 90-some percent probability, that he'll still do it if you lay down the law. He'll just go underground.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus, I guess on the "having a talk before moving in together" thing, I assumed you were married a few centuries ago (as I was the first time) and back then, these things simply weren't discussed as much in general for many reasons...mostly just because we didn't have computers so the potential for constant porn streaming didn't exist.

So with that assumption, hearing about a couple who are newly together, I assume they would have some kind of "values" talk...like "what do you value in your solo and partnered sex life?" I think these days, these talks are more common...my current husband and I had them before moving in together. (Actually we had them long before that).

I bet if you were dating again one day and were considering entering into a relationship, you'd have a whole lot of talks about sex, values and expectations first.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Porn sites are horrible about popping up bizarre crap and suggesting things. It's likely that it was just something that their advertisers did. 
A lot of the videos are cross referenced in different categories so he might have been looking at videos not even knowing they were teen and then that popped up. 
I wouldn't get too worried about it honestly. People are curious, maybe he just wanted to know how hairy the women were.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> So with that assumption, hearing about a couple who are newly together, I assume they would have some kind of "values" talk...like "what do you value in your solo and partnered sex life?" I think these days, these talks are more common...my current husband and I had them before moving in together. (Actually we had them long before that).


You would think so, but given how often this particular topic comes up in here and on every other relationship self help forum with which I'm familiar, I get the impression that masturbation as a topic for discussion still has a pretty significant stigma.



> I bet if you were dating again one day and were considering entering into a relationship, you'd have a whole lot of talks about sex, values and expectations first.


You bet I would, because I now know what it's like going in ignorant. One thing I do not have is a steep learning curve. And to everyone else reading this who isn't married yet, make sure YOU have this discussion before you shack up. You'll thank me later.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> You would think so, but given how often this particular topic comes up in here and on every other relationship self help forum with which I'm familiar, I get the impression that masturbation as a topic for discussion still has a pretty significant stigma.
> 
> 
> 
> You bet I would, because I now know what it's like going in ignorant. One thing I do not have is a steep learning curve. And to everyone else reading this who isn't married yet, make sure YOU have this discussion before you shack up. You'll thank me later.


I think this and other "sex/relationship issues" forums are not a good indication of how things usually go down in new relationships. These days, people talk about their sexual habits more often, this is being offered as advice everywhere, by both professionals and by Cosmo type rags...young women more than ever are using porn themselves and are curious about their boyfriends habits without being judgey about it. And older women are too, even the ones who may have been a little judgey when they were younger. 

Yes when these conversations don't occur, we see issue with mismatched expectations on these types of forums, and this also occurs when people aren't honest with each other. But the less overall amount of shame over sexual issues there are in the world, the less these types of things are happening. One thing the younger generations have over what we had is an excessive amount of information...and a lot of it is really good information.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> One thing the younger generations have over what we had is an excessive amount of information...and a lot of it is really good information.


Sounds like a good research project. I'll start with my 22 year old son and 21 year old daughter.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I dunno...

I like horror films, but I'm not interested in being a serial killer.
I like crime films, but I've never even stolen a chocolate bar.

You get the idea... Maybe he likes teen videos; I don't know. Maybe half the videos on that site have "teen" as one of the search tags. I would consider that to be an extremely likely thing.

Either way, none of that, in and of itself, means that he thinks you're too old or has a teen fetish.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus - I've talked so much about sex with my two (now adult) kids that they trust me and tell me a lot of what is going on for them (not all obviously but, a lot). They do understand I have a sex-positive stance (I have a sex blog, afterall) so they have a pretty positive stance as well. 

To Jackie T...I am sorry for the hi-jack. As you can see, this topic gets discussed a lot on message boards, and people have a lot of different views on it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Jackie, it does sound like a default kind of thing. 

Are you looking for reasons to be mad at your guy? It sounds like you have other, more important things to worry about. His porn use may be a release valve when the two of you aren't getting along at your best, so addressing those other issues would be most important to me, if it was me in your shoes.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Oldfaithful said:


> Porn sites are horrible about popping up bizarre crap and suggesting things. It's likely that it was just something that their advertisers did.
> A lot of the videos are cross referenced in different categories so he might have been looking at videos not even knowing they were teen and then that popped up.
> I wouldn't get too worried about it honestly. People are curious, maybe he just wanted to know how hairy the women were.


This.

I've put in a search criteria and pulled up videos that have nothing tp do with what I was looking for. Uploaders can tag their videos with anything so they can get more views.

Face it... how can a guy go from teens to hairy mature???


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I occasionally look at the new models of compact cars and big rig trucks in brands and models I dont have myself online but that does not mean I am going to quit driving what I have at home and buy one!  

Men like to look. It's our mental design and if we are not indulging it at least a little bit, whether anyone can see it or not, it probably means we are dead.  

I'm not one for watching much porn but I can appreciate the artistry and skill that goes into some animae and henti adult cartoons being I couldn't draw a sexy stickfigure to save my life. I rarely watch it but a few are surprisingly really well done script and artistry wise. 

That said I invite anyone to go through my computers and try and find anything. If you do I can guarantee I probably didn't put it there intentionally or at least not in a time frame I can remember any more being I like my sex live action with me as the primary person participating in it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Jackie,

Tell him porn is ok if you watch together. If he refuses, do Google searches for wives and other men who are like tripods. Send him the links to a couple and tell him you cannot stop watching them. All men like teen girls or whatever. The problem is that porn sucks away energy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

Jackie T said:


> is this an indication of what he really likes?


No, I don't think it's an indication of what he really likes. But of course I can't say that with any certainty. The reality is that most people don't ever share their inner-most sexual fantasy thoughts with their partners. From time to time I peruse the porn aggregator sites, and do so with my W more often, which is to say it's occasional.

When using an aggregator site, one never really knows exactly what they're going to get when it converts from a preview window with a short title of the window. Though I'm aware of "barely legal" porn, just-turned 18 year olds, I'm not much into it. But I must admit, it does evoke very good memories of when I was dating my girlfriend at 18 (she's now my W of 22 years). Doesn't make me a pedophile, though.

And I've checked out Monster C0cks, and other fetish tags, just for the what's that factor. I'm not into such things even a little, outside the curiosity of it. 

The problem with porn when viewed often alone is that it can replace the intimacy that should be taking place between partners. It can desensitize the viewer to what can be expected in real-life sexual situations. 

I just recently admitted to my W that I was interested in dabbling in anal play, this after having told her in 1991 just before we were married that I'd never, ever consider such a thing. I'd held onto that position for two decades and only recently felt like I wanted to try it. BIG surprise to my W. Does that make me weird? Does it make my wife wonder who the heck I am because of this? No, it's just continued exploration, the lack of which creates relative boredom in a marriage. 

Though you may not be remotely interested in an overly hairy region, that your H may be interested in it is not any indication that he would prefer you to change. I'm prefer clean-shaven, my W prefers a landing strip. I can manage it either way without being turned off. 

The thing to be concerned about is that some of these sites have foreign content, were laws are a bit more lax regarding age, and one may accidentally run across a "Lolita" vid. Dangerous territory, and most US jurisdictions have internet crawlers that will pick up on search activity of IP's requesting such content. I'd stay away from barely legal stuff unless one is accessing it from a known US-based site - Reality Kings or Bang Bros...Dang, now I sound like a porn pro...


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