# We filed yesterday, I'm heartbroken.....



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Long story short, my wife and I have been married for five years. Known each other for 14 years since we were teenagers and have always been in love with each other, but never dated. Stayed in touch and I went to college and she went into the Air Force. I finally had enough and the day she came home from basic training, I was waiting on her doorstep. All downhill from there. Fell in love, got married, and had a great marriage by all accounts. I was blessed with a stepson and raised him like my own for over half his life. On the same page financially, parenting, good sex life, great conversation, did things together and things apart, we both tried new things with each other. Just fantastic overall.

Fast forward to this summer and she starts a new job in a new office. I noticed that she was talking about this one guy quite a bit and I told her I was a little uncomfortable and wanted her to make some space. I didn't need to hear about him all the time. Well, she stopped talking about him, but obviously with this person being at work, the table was already set. I got a chance to meet this guy at one of her office outings and was very unimpressed. My wife is 27, he is 41 and on his third divorce. Real piece of work. Has a gay flare to him so I could imagine why women feel very comfortable around him. I told my wife the next morning that I didn't like this guy one bit and I don't want her around him. All is quiet for a few weeks and then things got weird. She shut off physically, emotionally, new passwords on her phone, lots of texts, minutes, and emails between them. Nothing incredibly incriminating, but I knew the wheels were in motion. I confronted and she continued to lie. She was gone a lot and one night she was at the bar and didn't come home when she said she going to so I pulled out the trusty ole "find my iphone" app. I watched as she drove down to a dirt road, parked for about 15 mins and then came home. I confronted and she cracked. She said she had been drinking and made a stupid mistake. She said she wanted to see him and they kissed. I called bull****, but she said she would take a lie detector test and that is really all that happened. It doesn't matter, it's an affair and I have proof. She promptly grabbed her and our sons stuff and moved in with her parents. It's been 4 weeks since then and I have pleaded with her, I 've been to counseling every week, she has been twice, we have talked and talked and he hasn't budged. She is giving me all of the typical affair fog talks. The ILYBNIL, the "your not the husband for me, the denial (even after getting caught and admitting), the cruelty, the gaslighting, rewriting history, everything has been textbook. She has not once acknowledged my feelings or what she has done. She is a completely different person right now. I've exposed and everyone is extremely hurt and confused. Her family is very angry with her and confused at her actions. We were just in Florida on vacation to see her family in August and she was telling them how much she loved me and how good of a husband I was. She will not return their calls or anything (to her own family). I think it's because she is in the hot seat. I asked her to cut off her communication with this guy and she jumps around the answer. She is really jacked up and moving forward with the divorce and I'm afraid it will be too late. I know she loves me. I was there and I have looked through the pictures. I saw a woman in love, very recently. I'm lost, lonely, and heartbroken. I want to prevent her from making this mistake, but nothing is getting through. Tried tough love, but nothing. Am I heading for divorce?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She cannot take her sons and use them to emotionally blackmail you... She is probably is using the separation to continue the affair. Inform her work place about the affair

how convenient that the first time they "kissed" was the day you caught them ? You don't even have 1% of the story and the total extent of betrayal

Is the OM married ?


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

He is divorced three times over actually. 

Her workplace is the only place I have not exposed. I am worried that if she loses her job that my son will suffer. I call him my son, but he is really my stepson. I don't want him to pay for mommy's mistakes. Is exposing at her workplace really gonna change anything at this point? She wants to move forward with divorce. Won't that push her closer to it?


----------



## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

STOP trying to win her back
You cannot reason with her and you can not win her back ,if she does not want to come back she will not.
Protect yourself emotionally and legally
Do the 180 ( if you wand a link to the list search my post there is a post with the title 180) , the 180 is for you you ,to detach from her
Find a lawyer not just a good lawyer but a shark


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> She is really jacked up and moving forward with the divorce and I'm afraid it will be too late. I know she loves me. I was there and I have looked through the pictures. I saw a woman in love, very recently. I'm lost, lonely, and heartbroken. I want to prevent her from making this mistake, but nothing is getting through. Tried tough love, but nothing. Am I heading for divorce?


I am sorry you were blindsided. 

The fact is that people in happy, good marriages still cheat. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

She likely just has that inclination. 

I think you need to read up on the 180 at this site.

Let her go, and she may come running back. 

Act like you mean it, too, even if you don't. 

Get dressed up, go out with friends or alone, let her see you being happy and carefree. 

She may turn around. 

Still, you might find yourself so happy without her and with your new self that you don't want her anymore.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

I've given up on the begging and pleading. It didn't work. I did tell her yesterday that this does not have to happen. That I will walk this road with you and we can come out stronger and better. Her response was, "I'm not in love with you and you may not be the husband for me". I asked her what her "husband" would look like and she said she didn't know. Sounded like a bull**** answer to me. It's unbelievable to me how quickly she turned into a monster. People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back. I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Sara, I think you may be right about that to some extent. Her dad cheated on her mom when she was in 7th grade and then mom did it right back two years later. They stayed married, but only on paper. They are VERY emotionally unavailable people.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back.
> 
> I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.


People may say that but they will be wrong. 

Many famous marriage counselors acknowledge that people in happy marriages cheat, they become infatuated with another person and think the grass is greener.

They usually wake up when it's too late and the loving faithful spouse is looooong gone or just not interested in reconciling, anymore.

Trust your image of the marriage, even if she tries to rewrite the marital history as so many cheaters do.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

I do and I have tried to talk to her about all of the memories we had. She doesn't see them and doesn't want to hear it. Even after all she has put me through the past two months, I will never look back at this and say it was a bad marriage. It was incredibly special to me. I just hope it's not too late by the time she wakes up. Only takes 90 days to get a divorce in Colorado.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> He is divorced three times over actually.
> 
> Her workplace is the only place I have not exposed. I am worried that if she loses her job that my son will suffer. I call him my son, but he is really my stepson. I don't want him to pay for mommy's mistakes. Is exposing at her workplace really gonna change anything at this point? She wants to move forward with divorce. Won't that push her closer to it?


You have nothing to lose when you have nothing.

You tell her work. What's the worst thing that happens. 
1. She loses her job BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID! (don't lose sight of who's responsible. Blaming you is like blaming the witness of a murder, and not the murderer) You are a witness reporting it.
She needs to accept the FULL consequences of her actions and having an office affair has consequences sometimes.

2. It wakes her up because she wakes up one morning, no husband, no happy life, no job and just this 41 year old man who doesn't know how to have a relationship. Now it might be too late to repair it with you or it might not be.

You can choose to do nothing and get nothing or you can choose to do something and get "something" (which isn't worse than nothing at the moment).


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> You have nothing to lose when you have nothing.
> 
> You tell her work. What's the worst thing that happens.
> 1. She loses her job BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID! (don't lose sight of who's responsible. Blaming you is like blaming the witness of a murder, and not the murderer) You are a witness reporting it.
> ...


Tell her workplace that you are keeping your legal options open in this matter also.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> *I've given up on the begging and pleading. It didn't work. I did tell her yesterday that this does not have to happen. That I will walk this road with you and we can come out stronger and better. Her response was, "I'm not in love with you and you may not be the husband for me".* I asked her what her "husband" would look like and she said she didn't know. Sounded like a bull**** answer to me. It's unbelievable to me how quickly she turned into a monster. People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back. I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.


This is a hard pill to take but she's probably looking for a man who when punched in the face...punches back, not asks for more.

NEVER EVER beg or plead with anyone who has wronged you. 1. IF they stay, they have total control and WILL do it again, (or still) because they did it once and YOU were the one begging, not them.
2. By you pleading with her, you're not showing her what she's losing.

She turned you into a cuckhold and you begged her to stay....


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Tell her workplace that you are keeping your legal options open in this matter also.


Can you elaborate here?


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

glenngsxr said:


> *I don't think you can fake love.*


Anything can be faked (orgasmns, tears, feelings, etc.) for the right reasons: love, money, stability, etc. Question is...for how long?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> I've given up on the begging and pleading. It didn't work. I did tell her yesterday that this does not have to happen. That I will walk this road with you and we can come out stronger and better. Her response was, "I'm not in love with you and you may not be the husband for me". I asked her what her "husband" would look like and she said she didn't know. Sounded like a bull**** answer to me. It's unbelievable to me how quickly she turned into a monster. People will probably say that she has been unhappy for a long time and that there were probably signs you ignored, but I don't see anything major looking back. I saw a happy, in love person. Maybe she deserves five Oscar nominations, but I don't think you can fake love.


I got the "I love you but not in love with you" speech about 12 months into my WW's affair.

Cutting a long story short, I tried writing letters, being "nice" and so on. I ended up cutting her off and it seemed to terrify her. She would go on and on about how she still wanted to be friends if we split up.

Now, as it happens, she was continuing her (very) physical affair with another man she thought she loved. He, too, is a POS. A lying loser. A philanderer. A fop. Of course I had NO IDEA at the time. At least you do know.

18 months later her affair finished and I found out (she told me) and she genuinely realises her mistake. 

My point is, there is hope. Turn your back on her. Be firm. If you don't she will think you will always be there.

I didn't realise at the time, but my insistence that I would never talk to my WW again I believe made her stay.

My WW cannot believe what she did. I've seen her so low because of it. It *is* a fog. It *is* an addiction.

Heck, even Shakespeare wrote about this very thing in, amongst other plays, Romeo and Juliet (about Romeo's love for Rosaline).

If you want your wife then turn away from her. I believe it will be your best hope.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Well she gave me some bull**** statement saying that she hasn't been in love with me for over two years. I just don't believe it. I was there, I have the memories, I have looked at the pictures. I know when my wife is faking something. I just don't see it. I believe the fog has her all effed up.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Chris, do I completely turn away and tell her I am done with her? Obviously, there is a piece of me that wants her to get her head out of her ass and come back when she wakes up, but I don't want to make that obvious. When she does wake up, I don't want her to feel like she can't. Oh man, this is so effin stupid.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Well she gave me some bull**** statement saying that she hasn't been in love with me for over two years. I just don't believe it. I was there, I have the memories, I have looked at the pictures. I know when my wife is faking something. I just don't see it. I believe the fog has her all effed up.


She's rewriting the history of your marriage to assuage the huge amount of guilt she is feeling subconciously. It's a form of self-brtainwashing and comes right out of the Cheaters 101 Handbook. She cannot face the ugliness of what she is doing so she creates an alternate reality for herself. 

Your wife is in the fog...a self induced psychosis. No amount of talking will get her back. She has to get double-crossed and dumped by the OM before she wakes up and snaps out of her illusion. 

Someday down the road she may come to you cap in hand, begging for forgiveness, but most likely you will have replaced her with a more dependable model and moved on with your life. 

I pity her actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Look around the house and see if you can find your balls.

You want her to see this.............You hope she does not do this............You are afraid to do X because of what she might do........You do not want to push her away..........You hope she wakes up.................

What have you actually done besides being paralyzed by fear?

You need to file for divorce right now and stop asking, begging, pleading, talking to her.

Believe it or not - your behavior so far has made you look weak and pathetic in her eyes. Not very attractive. Tell her you are filing and do it. Tell her to go live her life because you are through with her and no longer care what she does. 

Go out and have some fun on your own. Work out. Buy some new clothes. Go out with friends.

She may notice and she may not. Either way you need to learn to live for yourself and not depend on her.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Doing the 180 is something very hard. Prior to the betrayal, all of your memories are of a loving wife. But that's not the case.

The key here to recognize is were you a loving husband? I assume yes....and what did you get? You wife bonking another guy.

Have you ever heard of reverse psychology? The 180 has a similar affect. She has already dismissed the loving husband, being more loving will only push her to dismiss you MORE. It's like "the gas caught fire...So put more gas on it". Doesn't work. You need to change strategies. Also you need to look deep within and see your wife in ALL of her glory. You're not comprehending exactly what she did yet.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Long story short, my wife and I have been married for five years. Known each other for 14 years since we were teenagers and have always been in love with each other, but never dated. Stayed in touch and I went to college and she went into the Air Force. I finally had enough and the day she came home from basic training, I was waiting on her doorstep. All downhill from there. Fell in love, got married, and had a great marriage by all accounts. I was blessed with a stepson and raised him like my own for over half his life. On the same page financially, parenting, good sex life, great conversation, did things together and things apart, we both tried new things with each other. Just fantastic overall.
> 
> Fast forward to this summer and she starts a new job in a new office. I noticed that she was talking about this one guy quite a bit and I told her I was a little uncomfortable and wanted her to make some space. I didn't need to hear about him all the time. Well, she stopped talking about him, but obviously with this person being at work, the table was already set. I got a chance to meet this guy at one of her office outings and was very unimpressed. My wife is 27, he is 41 and on his third divorce. Real piece of work. Has a gay flare to him so I could imagine why women feel very comfortable around him. I told my wife the next morning that I didn't like this guy one bit and I don't want her around him. All is quiet for a few weeks and then things got weird. She shut off physically, emotionally, new passwords on her phone, lots of texts, minutes, and emails between them. Nothing incredibly incriminating, but I knew the wheels were in motion. I confronted and she continued to lie. She was gone a lot and one night she was at the bar and didn't come home when she said she going to so I pulled out the trusty ole "find my iphone" app. I watched as she drove down to a dirt road, parked for about 15 mins and then came home. I confronted and she cracked. She said she had been drinking and made a stupid mistake. She said she wanted to see him and they kissed. I called bull****, but she said she would take a lie detector test and that is really all that happened. It doesn't matter, it's an affair and I have proof. She promptly grabbed her and our sons stuff and moved in with her parents. It's been 4 weeks since then and I have pleaded with her, I 've been to counseling every week, she has been twice, we have talked and talked and he hasn't budged. She is giving me all of the typical affair fog talks. The ILYBNIL, the "your not the husband for me, the denial (even after getting caught and admitting), the cruelty, the gaslighting, rewriting history, everything has been textbook. She has not once acknowledged my feelings or what she has done. She is a completely different person right now. I've exposed and everyone is extremely hurt and confused. Her family is very angry with her and confused at her actions. We were just in Florida on vacation to see her family in August and she was telling them how much she loved me and how good of a husband I was. She will not return their calls or anything (to her own family). I think it's because she is in the hot seat. I asked her to cut off her communication with this guy and she jumps around the answer. She is really jacked up and moving forward with the divorce and I'm afraid it will be too late. I know she loves me. I was there and I have looked through the pictures. I saw a woman in love, very recently. I'm lost, lonely, and heartbroken. I want to prevent her from making this mistake, but nothing is getting through. Tried tough love, but nothing. Am I heading for divorce?


You need to go get your children. She had no right to take those kids out of the home because she cheated. That makes me sooooo mad. Why would you let her take them.

Sorry done venting.

You my friend are getting hung out to dry. The begging the pleading is making you look weak and puny in her eyes. Right now she is obviously deep in the fog. I'd call BS on the just kissing. Maybe not that night but at some point they had sex. 

At this point you need to stop what you are doing. Stop begging ,stop pleading, and you need to go get your kids and bring them home. If you D the kids staying with her will hurt you in court as well as you don't know what your wife is telling your kids. She is not in the right frame of mind to be around your children. If you have to take off work, take off work. Wait until she is out of the house you drive over and pick the kids up from her parents. Her parents can't keep you from getting your children. IF you have to call the cops do so. 
It is time to take the gloves off now. And stop being a nice guy. The woman you trusted most screwed you over and you are begging her to come back. Oh heck no.
"the 180" is what you need to look up. 
The gist is this you stop calling her, texting her, begging, pleading and you start working on yourself. Start going to the gym, or get a hobby. 
ONly respond to messages if it is absolutely necessary.
don't get emotional when you talk to her. 
You need to appear calm cool, and strong.
You need to send a clear message that if she treats you like dirt you will leave her in the dust. 
You need to contact a lawyer and file for D. (this is just a wake up call and will give you power that you lack.)

You're wife ought to be begging you to take her back. If she isn't begging, if she isn't remorseful, if she isn't willing to work on the marriage, and if she isn't willing to cut of the OM. Then the marriage is over. You have to send a clear, NO [email protected]$#T message that infidelity will not be tolerated any more. 
You need to tell everyone what your wife has done to you.
You need quit letting your wife act crazy without repercussions.

Write out a list so you have it there is writing whether or not your wife is willing to recommit. The most successful I have seen this is if you have a D in process so that your wife knows the consequences if she doesn't snap out of it.

STep 1; No contact letter written to the OM. Then verify it, if it is not possible because of work then she needs to find another job. Better to be in the poor house than be stuck with an crappy marriage. 
Step 2: Total access to any and all communications. Hiding communications is considered a continuation of the Affair and the marriage is over unless it stops.
Step 3: MC/IC to determine why your wife can't stay within marital boundaries. Give her a specific deadline she has to meet or you continue to go through with D.

Step 4: She has to make a timeline of events from the start of the EA to the end of the PA. 

Step 5: Is really just making sure that you can handle taking your wife back. If you can't there isn't anything wrong with Divorcing your wife. It is a long painful journey back to the promised land and the only way to get there is if your wife is 100% back on board.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

You guys are all completely right. Her family has told her over and over what a great guy I am and that I was so grounding for her and that she will never find another guy like me. Guess she didn't believe them. Either way, I know what I need to do, damn heart keeps getting in the way. It's so fresh that I only remember my old wife still I guess. At this point though, I don't want anything to do with this new person. She won't really give me the time of day to conversate right now so I need to write a goodbye letter.

Any ideas on what that letter should look like? Suggestions?


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

glenngsxr said:


> Chris, do I completely turn away and tell her I am done with her? Obviously, there is a piece of me that wants her to get her head out of her ass and come back when she wakes up, but I don't want to make that obvious. When she does wake up, I don't want her to feel like she can't. Oh man, this is so effin stupid.


WAKE UP! STOP CHASING THIS WOMAN. you will definitely lose her if you do. Please read the 180 threads. You need to totally ignore her. Cut off all funds. Out her at the workplace and find some self respect. She will never respect you if you don't respect yourself! The ONLY way your marriage will work if she wants to make it work. Your pursuing her is just pushing her away. 

Start exercising. Get some hobbies. Go out with friends. Make some new friends! Look happy even if you aren't.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Badbane, I am stepdad. I have no parental rights and did not adopt him. She is already out of the house so I can't see anything she is doing. Jesus christ, now that I have written this out, this thing is really over I guess.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

KanDo said:


> WAKE UP! STOP CHASING THIS WOMAN. you will definitely lose her if you do. Please read the 180 threads. You need to totally ignore her. Cut off all funds. Out her at the workplace and find some self respect. She will never respect you if you don't respect yourself! The ONLY way your marriage will work if she wants to make it work. Your pursuing her is just pushing her away.
> 
> Start exercising. Get some hobbies. Go out with friends. Make some new friends! Look happy even if you aren't.


can I "like" this more than once?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> You guys are all completely right. Her family has told her over and over what a great guy I am and that I was so grounding for her and that she will never find another guy like me. Guess she didn't believe them. Either way, I know what I need to do, damn heart keeps getting in the way. It's so fresh that I only remember my old wife still I guess. At this point though, I don't want anything to do with this new person. She won't really give me the time of day to conversate right now so I need to write a goodbye letter.
> 
> Any ideas on what that letter should look like? Suggestions?


Don't write a letter. I did and my ww just thought I was pleading. She saw a different marriage.

Your wife is like a drug addict right now.

Turn your back. You have to live as though she doesn't matter.

It is very very hard. It might not work.

Check back on my story and other posts. I don't say this sort of thing normally.

I feel for you.

Ps/ my ww's family and friends all told her she was better off with me and that the om was a loser. No effect. Like telling an alcoholic that booze is bad.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Badbane, I am stepdad. I have no parental rights and did not adopt him. She is already out of the house so I can't see anything she is doing. Jesus christ, now that I have written this out, this thing is really over I guess.


Well good then pos can support the kids. I'll bet you their relationship won't last a year. It sux I know take care of yourself man.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Badbane, I am stepdad. I have no parental rights and did not adopt him. She is already out of the house so I can't see anything she is doing. Jesus christ, now that I have written this out, this thing is really over I guess.


Yes, it is over. Lucky you that you did not adopt. Basically, she was using you as a meal ticket and substitute dad for her kid from day one. Rule #1 for a single guy looking to get married for the first time is that the woman must have no kids. You now know why that is. Chalk this one up to experience and start raising your sex rank until you can get a woman who is actually turned on by you and not just settling for you. Where are you on the Sexual Hierarchy? Learn, know and live by the 16 Commandments. From reading your story I've got a feeling you broke them all.

You did a great job other than the attraction issues. You knew the score immediately and didn't try to delude yourself, unlike 95% of the folks who show up here, including yours truly. You did well in sensing and exposing. Now time to learn how to attract and keep a decent woman worthy of the new you. Start natural bodybuilding, get a flat stomach, start dressing upscale.

If you want to find out how all this happened and how to prevent it next time, get the book "Married Man Sex Life Primer" and check out the author's blog.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best good by letter usually has a court house address on it and is served by a sheriff.

Sorry man but some times you just have to let them go, if they come back great if not then move on.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You need to expose to the work place.
If she is living with her parents, HER son will be OK.
If you are not going to have a COME To JESUS meeting with the POS om, then you must bring him some consequences.

Some will say your problem is with her. TRUE, but he knew she was married. That makes him a good candidate for some real life lessons.
The methods you have used to burn the fog has failed. So file a complaint with HR and expose.
Explain you are seeing a lawyer to advise if they are liable.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh, stop talking to her.
Pack her stuff and take it to her.
Show her you are tearing her fallback up and trying to destroy her proffessionally too.
Dude, sometime you just have to be a complete Ahole, to get what you want.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> You guys are all completely right. Her family has told her over and over what a great guy I am and that I was so grounding for her and that she will never find another guy like me. Guess she didn't believe them. Either way, I know what I need to do, damn heart keeps getting in the way. It's so fresh that I only remember my old wife still I guess. At this point though, I don't want anything to do with this new person. She won't really give me the time of day to conversate right now so I need to write a goodbye letter.
> 
> Any ideas on what that letter should look like? Suggestions?


Glenn

Stop being a nice guy. She is banging the OM because you are a nice guy.

*The only goodbye letter you send her are Divorce papers. That is all she wants so get it done!!!*

Then go find a good woman that has high self esteem.

HM64


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Guys, we already filed. Her **** is already gone. I packed it for her and put it in the driveway a couple saturdays ago. Only things left for me to decide are how to expose to her work in a professional manner and have it not come off as the ******* husband out to be nasty. I am doing the 180 on her. To be honest, I don't want this new person in my life anyways so until the old wife comes back, if ever, keep this piece of **** away from me.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you read the newbies link ?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> To be honest, I don't want this new person in my life anyways so until the old wife comes back, if ever, keep this piece of **** away from me.


Good for you Glenn.

Expose anyways. Why care how you come off. She did enough damage on her own.

Just be aware the old wife may never come back. They very rarely do......


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Good for you Glenn.
> 
> Expose anyways. Why care how you come off. She did enough damage on her own.
> 
> Just be aware the old wife may never come back. They very rarely do......


:iagree:

HM is right. Who cares what their office thinks, you won't see them again. And if they get in trouble over this, tough sh!t. 

Any negative outcome is on them.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Well she gave me some bull**** statement saying that she hasn't been in love with me for over two years. I just don't believe it. I was there, I have the memories, I have looked at the pictures. I know when my wife is faking something. I just don't see it. I believe the fog has her all effed up.


Trust your memories. 

People can fake love, but it will raise suspicion in the faithful spouse, at some point. 

I think almost all cheaters think they are in love with the affair partner. They may deny this, but then why would they risk a real marriage for a fantasy relationship. 

There have been books written by prominent psychiatrists in which they note, that cheaters wake up to reality, if the spouse leaves, about two years into a REAL relationship with their cheating affair partner. 

Typically it's too late to get their spouse back. 

IMO, once you leave, you might find yourself so much happier, that you will not want her back.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> She's rewriting the history of your marriage to assuage the huge amount of guilt she is feeling subconciously. It's a form of self-brtainwashing and comes right out of the Cheaters 101 Handbook. She cannot face the ugliness of what she is doing so she creates an alternate reality for herself.
> 
> Your wife is in the fog...a self induced psychosis. No amount of talking will get her back. She has to get double-crossed and dumped by the OM before she wakes up and snaps out of her illusion.
> 
> ...


All good points and I agree. 

It is normal for a cheater to want to deny the fact that they are lying low-life backstabbers who have betrayed the one person in the world that is supposed to be able to trust them. 

I mean think about it, who would want to own the label of cheating low-life backstabber?

The fact is that is who a cheater is, so they MUST rewrite the marital history to justify their actions.

It's called blameshifting, don't buy into it.

If she was unhappy, the honorable thing to do was to seek a divorce. They are so easy to get these days.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

glenngsxr said:


> I do and I have tried to talk to her about all of the memories we had. She doesn't see them and doesn't want to hear it. Even after all she has put me through the past two months, I will never look back at this and say it was a bad marriage. It was incredibly special to me. I just hope it's not too late by the time she wakes up. Only takes 90 days to get a divorce in Colorado.


That's because people will re-write history in their minds to validate what they're doing. My ex did the same thing. I hate to make this about me, but I want you to look at this and understand: _My wife and I had an amazing marriage_. I poured myself into it. My wife enjoyed these perks:

1) I always, always opened the door for her. We were together for eleven years and the day before she left I was still doing it. 

2) I said "I love you" at least once per day, every day for the entirety of the relationship. And I met my own words with actions to match them. 

3) I worked hard so she didn't have to. She was free to buy anything she wanted- one time she just bought a top tier Dyson just for the hell of it. She used it maybe twice after she bought it and just let it collect dust afterwards. She would get bored and find a part time job once in a while, but she never had to do anything, and I supported her in everything she did. I paid for her school. I paid for her car. I paid for all her expenses when she wanted to try to make her own business. 

4) I ****ing loved her. 

Do you know what she said in her letters that she sent out to everyone when she left? 

_"He abused me, constantly talked down to me and actually prodded me to cheat on him. I finally caved in."_

Lies. Utter lies. 

But honestly man... you shouldn't expect any different. I did the same thing-- I told her "Why are you giving all this up? What about all these incredible memories, all the moments we had, all the times you smiled and laughed that beautiful laugh?" 

Reality doesn't matter to a cheater. They're not concerned with facts, they have no interest in examining truth. They've lied so much to get to this point, why would they? Cheaters cannot think about either the future or the past, or others. They will edit history's reality to fit their current ambitions.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Don't write a letter. I did and my ww just thought I was pleading. She saw a different marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> Ps/ my ww's family and friends all told her she was better off with me and that the om was a loser. No effect. Like telling an alcoholic that booze is bad.


Agree on both counts. 

My Father in law always told my spouse that I was good for him.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Lies. Utter lies.
> 
> But honestly man... you shouldn't expect any different. I did the same thing-- I told her "Why are you giving all this up? What about all these incredible memories, all the moments we had, all the times you smiled and laughed that beautiful laugh?"
> 
> Reality doesn't matter to a cheater. They're not concerned with facts, they have no interest in examining truth. They've lied so much to get to this point, why would they? Cheaters cannot think about either the future or the past, or others. They will edit history's reality to fit their current ambitions.


I hope the poster listens carefully to your story. And, that is why it is good for other people to share their story. 

It doesn't make the post about you. What it does is offer great insight and lets the poster know he is not alone in his thinking about the cheater rewriting the marital history to suit their personal agenda.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

everyone told my ex he was crazy to leave me, EVERYONE
just made him angry that people were 'telling him what to do'


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

White, I am one of those guys as well. I didn't completely support her like that, but anything she wanted I tried to make it happen. I did not spoil her, she def works, but all her dreams, ambitions, desires.....I tried my hardest to make happen for us. I told her I loved her at least 3 times a day, no lie. Always held the door, always hugged her and gave her love, always bragged about her to people, I emailed her every morning before she got into work with the quick note, "good morning love" just to make sure it was the first thing she saw in the morning.

I'm utterly confused at how she could do this to me. She already had low self-esteem and unwillingness to show emotion mostly due to her childhood. Dad cheated on her mom when she was in 7th grade, mom did it right back two years later. Her parents stayed married, but only on paper. No affection, no love in the household, essentially emotionally unavailable. I think a lot of this stems from that, but she is still an adult and should know better. And to Sara's point, if she was unhappy with something in the marriage she should have came and talked to me. I think she bottled it up and it finally destroyed her. I actually don't think it was something from the marriage and she has hinted at that in conversation recently. It was inner demons from her past that she never got help for and never talked about. It's been a very sad and devastating six weeks watching my wife implode like this and turn into this different person. I offered to walk this road with her, but ultimately I cannot help someone that does not want to help themselves.

I am not contacting her whatsoever. A small detail, we actually did not file. We went to the JAG on base and got everything signed and notarized. She said she would go at lunch and file everything and let me know when she did that. I never heard from her. I will check with the courthouse in a couple days to see if it did get filed. If not, I will be serving her next week.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Curiosity question. If you could not tell, filing day is an emotional thing for me. I realize that I am dealing with a monster here and am doing the 180. It's a little tougher since she is already out of the house and living with her parents though. I am ready to expose to her workplace. She will call me immediately after this happens. Do I ignore her? If not, what do I say? 

My wife is most decidedly in the fog and thinks she wants a divorce, plain and simple. Has the 180 worked for many people in the past, especially with a spouse that seems adamant about getting a divorce?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Curiosity question. If you could not tell, filing day is an emotional thing for me. I realize that I am dealing with a monster here and am doing the 180. It's a little tougher since she is already out of the house and living with her parents though. I am ready to expose to her workplace. She will call me immediately after this happens. Do I ignore her? If not, what do I say?
> 
> My wife is most decidedly in the fog and thinks she wants a divorce, plain and simple. Has the 180 worked for many people in the past, especially with a spouse that seems adamant about getting a divorce?


Just expose and ignore her and the 180 is for you to better yourself.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Guys, I am a little hesitant on the workplace exposure. Not because I care what happens, but I am not sure if it will do anything at this point.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Guys, I am a little hesitant on the workplace exposure. Not because I care what happens, but I am not sure if it will do anything at this point.


What have you got to lose?

My ww didn't stop until I confronted the other man.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Chris, should I confront the other guy? If so, how? I know his email address and phone number. I did try calling him on D-Day, but he didn't answer of course. Should I threaten to let his employer know if he doesn't back off from my wife?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Chris, should I confront the other guy? If so, how? I know his email address and phone number. I did try calling him on D-Day, but he didn't answer of course. Should I threaten to let his employer know if he doesn't back off from my wife?


If you want your wife back then do EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

Ring him, go to his workplace. FIGHT FOR HER (I don't mean as in beat the other guy up, I mean show you are bothered).

Go to his workplace. Ask to see him and explain exactly why. A friend of mine did that when his wife was having an affair.

Heck, my counsellor did it when her husband had an affair. It tends to at least rattle the other party.

Get angry.

I threatened the OM with court action. I went to his house. Heck, even though I know as sure as can be he hasn't contact my wife in any way in 6 months I am still on his case and am slowly putting something in place to make sure he never even LOOKS at my wife again. Because he will be scared.

This is YOUR WIFE. YOUR LIFE. You should be fuming. You should be beyond angry.

Can you do something RIGHT NOW? Anything?

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

edit/ you can do a reverse look up on his number - both his mobile phone and home phone. Look him up. GO AROUND TO WHERE HE WORKS NOW. Drop everything. DO IT.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> If you want your wife back then do EVERYTHING YOU CAN.
> 
> Ring him, go to his workplace. FIGHT FOR HER (I don't mean as in beat the other guy up, I mean show you are bothered).
> 
> ...



Holy crap dued


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> If you want your wife back then do EVERYTHING YOU CAN.
> 
> Ring him, go to his workplace. FIGHT FOR HER (I don't mean as in beat the other guy up, I mean show you are bothered).
> 
> ...


:iagree:Just do it!


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Holy crap dued


Well, I'm angry _for_ him! I feel like flying over there and confronting the OM myself.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Guys, I am a little hesitant on the workplace exposure. Not because I care what happens, but I am not sure if it will do anything at this point.


What are you afraid of? Let the cheaters and homewreckers all burn in the pits of hell. You should care less of her outcome or her losing her jobs. Who Cares! You need to have this attitude to get through what this person did to you because she sure didn't care when she was fcvking the OM. 

Do the right thing and expose them to there employers so you save the employers from any lawsuits that these two irresponsible employees can cause them.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Call and inform the HR if you are so worried about it.. The exposure will temporarily backfire on you though!! But it will also show your wife what a user the OM is


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You love a woman who has no regard for you. That angers me greatly. 

I'm not angry at you. I'm angry for you. I was in the same situation not too long ago. My wife was the one who cheated, and yet I was the one who was fighting for us. It's effed up. 

But I agree with Chris. Your best shot at winning her back is completely cutting her off. Don't talk to her, don't spend any time with her. Don't give her even the slightest indication that you care. You really need to 180 to snap the brat out of her entitlement issues.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> That's because people will re-write history in their minds to validate what they're doing. My ex did the same thing. I hate to make this about me, but I want you to look at this and understand: _My wife and I had an amazing marriage_. I poured myself into it. My wife enjoyed these perks:
> 
> 1) I always, always opened the door for her. We were together for eleven years and the day before she left I was still doing it.
> 
> ...


Cheaters lie to protect themselves. Because if they told the truth then they would have to look in the mirror and confront the person they have become.

And few cheaters ever want to look at the real person they have become, which is pretty ugly......


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Guys, I am a little hesitant on the workplace exposure. Not because I care what happens, but I am not sure if it will do anything at this point.


Then why wouldn't you do it anyway.

You never know what is going to happen. But I always think it is a good idea to let as many people know the truth about the two of them in their workplace.

Just my .02 cents.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Well, I've 180'd for one full week. I have not made any attempt to contact her, but she has called me three times and emailed twice. She wanted to talk about bills and money. I was short and succinct, but pleasant as well. Tried to show her that I am doing fine (even though I am still heartbroken and miss her dearly). She called me and told me that she had officially filed and I said, "ok". She hung there for a second and said, "well, I just wanted to let you know I filed." I think she was expecting some sort of groveling response from me since that's what I have been doing previously. She got nothing. I said ok and I need to go now. The next day she called me about the house. Long story short, it will take approx 6 months for me to assume the loan. After that, she emailed me back about two hours later and told me she was going to look for an apt. I think she expected a response from me. I ignored it (it was hard). I am proud of myself for not giving in. I had to realize that I am not dealing with a rational person and I cannot use normal tactics right now. Not sure if they will work or not, but I feel better about myself and I am not exposing myself to her hurt over and over anymore. 

Question, I am only a week in on my 180. Its halloween week and I always made it a huge day for my stepson. Would it hurt for me to send her a quick note saying something like, "I hope you have a great Halloween and please be safe. Send me a picture (of my stepson) in his costume." Sadly, I think she will take him trick or treating with the OM. The OM is trying desperately to get in using the kid angle.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Did you ever expose ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Yes, everyone knows now. Not sure if her work confronted or not. I have not heard.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

glenngsxr said:


> Yes, everyone knows now. Not sure if her work confronted or not. I have not heard.


Just expose her at work she's already filed maybe a reprimand at work will wake her up or atleast shame her.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

glenngsxr said:


> Question, I am only a week in on my 180. Its halloween week and I always made it a huge day for my stepson. Would it hurt for me to send her a quick note saying something like, "I hope you have a great Halloween and please be safe. Send me a picture (of my stepson) in his costume." Sadly, I think she will take him trick or treating with the OM. The OM is trying desperately to get in using the kid angle.


I would not say the first sentence but you should ask for a picture of your stepson in costume.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

Gotcha Swedish. BTW, I love your Einstein quote. Applies to my situation perfectly. I've had to really step out of the box on this one. Not sure if it will work, but it has been fantastic to learn these things about myself I never knew. 

Tom, her work knows. Just not sure if they have confronted her or not is what I meant.

I am having trouble drawing the line between doing the 180 and going completely dark. Do you ignore someone in the 180?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Glenn , do the right people at work know? , talk on the floor is cheap. When the head of HR or senior executives get involved , then you know exposure has worked . Keep to the 180, some opt to go dark though at this moment you may have some items that need addressing and require an open line to your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Glenn

Keep doing what you are doing.

The 180 is for you. To get strong, staystrong and make thos tough decisions.

Keep the communication to a minimum about the house/bills.

And asking for a picture of the kid in his costume is fine. Nothing else.

Keep moving forward.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Glenn , do the right people at work know? , talk on the floor is cheap. When the head of HR or senior executives get involved , then you know exposure has worked . Keep to the 180, some opt to go dark though at this moment you may have some items that need addressing and require an open line to your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you have an attorney he/she could make a call to HR on your behalf concerning their policy on affairs in the workplace. This could really get the ball rolling especially telling them that you are keeping your legal options open.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, call work HR and if you can have your attorney do it all the better. This OM has used work as a safe zone to destroy your marriage.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Keep up the 180, sounds like you're doing well. Know how hard it is to ignore messages you would normally reply to, but it'll become second nature, and deep down she knows you are detaching...this is good.

Sorry about Halloween, but I agree w Swedish...no need to inject any casual conversation, especially since you presume OM will be there...she will see your well wishing as annoying and weak.

Just politely request a picture the day after.

Good luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kiran (Oct 24, 2012)

Hi there, IMO i think you should give her the cold shoulder. we all here understand how bad you are hurting. but do not show you are vulnerable. Best you can do is even though you are not you should show how happy you are. this will break her heart to see how good you are moving on. i dont approve in exposing her A to her work place, this will only put you down closer to her level. do not be that man. keep your head high. you will have a bright future. let this tough times get you by. this will make you stronger like never before. you will never be down like this again. I have a feeling she will come back to you coz even though she is the one who walked out of the marriage. it will be difficult for her to see you have moved on so quickly. If and when she come back dont lower your guard be in control. wish you a happy Halloween.


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

It's been difficult for sure. I just want to call her, email her, etc and let her know that it's safe to come back. I have done a TON of reading and research on these situations and marriages in general and I can honestly say I am very excited to put it into practice someday. I just hope it is with my wife. Oh the agony. I hate this feeling of having my hands tied when it comes to her. Just gotta keep working on myself I guess. I wonder if she thinks about me? Wonder if she misses me?


----------



## glenngsxr (Oct 16, 2012)

I think I am not going to ask for a Halloween picture. I want her to feel what it's like with me completely out of the picture, to have a boring halloween with the OM, to have our son asking for me. Plus, I know that if she sends me a picture, it will give me hope and I will analyze it for days. I just don't need the pain right now. In addition, I think I have to pull back from my stepson right now a little bit. She has already brought the OM around him, claiming he is just a friend, but I can tell that my stepson knows better. He is confused. He does not need three men in his life. Biodad, me, and the OM. As hard as it is for me cause I want to see him, I know that it's not about me. I want what's right for him, even if his mom has no effin clue.


----------

