# Should I spy?



## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

i have had a bad feeling my wife is either having an affair, or as she had accused me of a year ago after talking to an ex on facebook and she "spied" on me, an emotional affair with one of the men she works with.

The chat my ex and i had, that my wife "found" as I did not delete it as I felt it was innocent, was about my wife and kids and what we have been up to the last few years. NOTHING inapporpriate as she felt I needed counseling and the counselor found nothing wrong with the chats, bt did suggest that since she didn't like it I should stop. So I did.

The guy I am worried about is 30. i am 45, he is in great shape, smart, athletic, "religious" , and ."..super nice" and after one episode where I felt he was being inapporpriate, she freaked on me and told me I had no right to judge him and I needed to stop. 

Now I have done a little snooping, mostly cell phones and text messages, emails etc. and I can find NO sign of cheating, except for at times she tells me her phone "turns off or is running out of power" but yet when I check the phone records, she is usually on it a minute or two later with one of her gfs and also how she some times does not recieve my texts, but yet it seems EVERY other text she gets, either work related or from one of her friends, is not only immediately returned but they have an instant messaging session, so a little more then just a bad feeling in my gut that something is going on.

she works in a construction office, with 1 p/t female and 2 f/t other men. Then there is the one partenr that "drinks al the time and comes into the office smelling like a brewery at times" which bugs me also and then the partenr guy i described above.

.

One last thing, she has brought up my first gf, who I have not talked to in 12 years, a bout 8 times since she started this job. My first g/f was a *****, cheated on me 5 times that I know of. My current wife reminds me that she was the *****, ot her, that she "blew" 2 of her male friends while going out with me, told my son how I use to go shopping with this "**** g/f" all the time.. as well as other ****. HAVE NO idea where or why that came out but it is doing wonders in making me feel lik I am being played fora fool again, 25 years later

your thoughts?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You need to confirm if your instincts/intuition/gut feelings are right or wrong. If your wife is cheating she will lie to you so the only way to do it is to snoop/spy on her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

That gut feeling is usually the first sign. She is hiding something. I'm not tech savvy, but most here suggest keyloggers, cell phone records (unless she has a secret "pay as you go" phone) crack e-mails, VARs, etc.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I've been having the same feelings lately. I recently had a serious talk with my wife and she has done much better at working at our marriage, but I still have this funny feeling(guess my spider senses are going off). Little things that just don't feel right. She isn't on the computer much buy keeps her iphone connected to her at all times. She didn't use to do that but it is rare that it isn't close by now and she even sleeps with it by the bed. Can anybody recommend cell spy software? Need something that is quick to install because if I get a chance to put on her phone, it won't be long at all. Less than five minutes.

ITD


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

, I would have felt guilty until reading this.
Also. as I was on my first job, I forgot to mention the facebook thing, she threatened me with a divorce lawyer card unless I got the therapy and ... 


and she also for whatever reason with in the last 4 months brought up an incident from the first year we dated, 1987 where I kissed a girl in a bar... and she has felt compelled to remind of that constantly and that it was " I " who was the one who cheated on her and " I " was the "wh-ore" not her. she brought this up a few times until I finally snapped and told her she should hae said "NO" when I asked her to marry me 15 years ago if it bothered her still, and if she brought it up again, she needed to go ahead and call that divorce lawyer she threatened me with,

which to finish the above sentence, she denyed ever threatening me with a divorce lawyer?? She cried apologized, said she doesn't know why she brings these things up and things have been for the most part pretty good... but I still have the bad feeling...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's trying to pin it all on you so that she won't feel so guilty and justify her actions.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

snoop,snoop all you can but if you find something get your ducks in a row before you confront.

so if she decides to go the divorce route at least you will be prepared.


hope it a false alarm for your sake


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I've felt the same way DWTLH. Guilty for even suspecting a thing. And I wouldn't have 6 months ago myself but when the behavior changes or something doesn't feel right, most of the time, the gut reaction is correct. I've thought about it for a month or two and basically, the choice comes down to this 1)would I'd rather feel guilty for spying on her or 2) would I rather do nothing and let things slowly eat me up. I'm leaning heavily to option 1 because I'll know one way or another. Hate that her actions have led me to this point but in the end, it was her actions, not mine that caused this. A truly healthy relationship builds trust, not suspicion. 

Just curious, has anyone used this cell spy software before and do they have any recommendations? I'm not tech savvy and am just now exploring all this but there are so many sites and I want something that works and don't want to get ripped off. 

ITD


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The behaviors she is exhibiting are:
1. Projection. - accusing you of inappropriate possibly even cheating behavior

2. Missing time

3. Defending another man over you and chastising you 

4. Blame shifting

5. Turning angry when you try to talk to her

Yeah, all major red flags.

Has your sex life hone way up or way down of late?

I would try VARs in her car, I would also get that phone and see what she's hiding. You might also want to see about randomly dropping in to work in the afternoons to say hi.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you feel as though she may be, then you have to snoop.

One caveat: Do not expose your snooping or show her evidence until you have the real deal.

If it is all explainable smoke and mirror stuff you have nothing to work with.

At the very least, another tactic to take would be marriage counseling.

Be prepared, if she is cheating she is lying all the time to you.


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## Enigma77 (Jul 25, 2011)

deffinatly spy....i did with my ex and uncovered more than just what my gut thought....always listen to ur gut...its not just women that have intuition..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep in mind, she caught you so she knows the game.

Shes throwing up smoke screens.

Investigate your wifes commitment to the marraige.

Don't forget the VAR under her car seat.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> The behaviors she is exhibiting are:
> 1. Projection. - accusing you of inappropriate possibly even cheating behavior
> 
> 2. Missing time
> ...



sex life is a strange tale also.. I am very busy in my work in the summer but slow way down in the winter. 2 winters ago, she worked at home, and I would come home and we would screw around every chance we had, some days twice a day, while kids were at school. summer time, we still had sex at least twice a week or more.

When she got this job, it was p/t from sept till january 2011 it slowed way down and I got more aggressive asking for it. She went as far as to ask me "why all the attention now that I have this job" and also one night rolled over and just told me to "get it over with and then "what do you think if you "f.ck" the sh.t out of me I won't cheat" to which i refused to have sex for a while.

We talked this out and again she does't know why she said it just something stupid that came out.

The last couple of mnths sex is back to normal pre-job, and she is also the initiator at times.

what isa VAR



Oh yea, I also have been keeping a journal of things she has said/done. One other thing, she sent me a text with in the first month of her workingthere, telling me to STOP having my friends follow her.

My friends knew nothing about her job and were not following her, not for me anyway.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"...f***the s***out of me I won't cheat?" She was giving WAY too much info.

Stop having your friends follow her. She's paranoid for a reason.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Voice activated recorder.

So she was worried about being followed, thinking about you trying to stop her having and affair.

This is not looking good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

and you know yet, as paranoid as I have been, reading this is getting me back, she is playing it off, very well. 

and I am still in my heat...nahhhh she couldn't wouldn't she is too active withthe kids, church...etc...

but in my head/gut... damn it.


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## Allhis (Sep 5, 2011)

Let me start by saying.. USUALLY when you look for something you find it. Second of all MOST women do not like to be compared to others.....If you do spy on her and find out that shes cheating are you going to leave her????? If the answer is NO....Then Let it be


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"what isa VAR"

Voice activated recorder, cheap at walmart and Best Buy. Use heavy duty velcro under drivers seat and at home where she uses phones. Records her end of phone calls. What about her work habits, is she always where she is supposed to be? Go to work early, get home late? Does she go out with out you? Vacation with out you? Do you have passwords to phone, computers, email, etc.? 

Good luck, Chap


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So I was having a conversation once with someone who asked me "What would you do if you knew the day you were going to die?" My only answer was "We already have lots of people like that. They're called terminally ill."

So the point is, what do you with that information? Do you want to live in a terminally ill marriage? To what end do employ the information you scrape up with all this skullduggery?


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## jwelsh (Sep 7, 2011)

I too have gut feelings about something. My husband has become emotionally distant and is hurtful. He has been very unsupportive. 
I have put a keystroke software on our home computer but I would love to be able to get into his laptop - however it is password controlled
How do I do that? He does not have a cell phone.
And where do you get these VAR things? Are they expensive:
He works far from home and my work - so dropping by wouldn't work...any suggestions?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Allhis said:


> Let me start by saying.. USUALLY when you look for something you find it.


This is so true


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> So the point is, what do you with that information? Do you want to live in a terminally ill marriage? To what end do employ the information you scrape up with all this skullduggery?


you know I really DON'T want to do it, but I can't heklp but think she is playing me for a fool.

She is the one that brought up my first cheating girlfriend, not me, and not once, or twice but multiple times. The trust I had for her is gone and I feel more and more every day like the jack ass I was with the first. Where everyone knew she was playing me, but me. maybe I was just in denial, but not this time.

NOT only is my trust gone because of the gf thing, but multiple things she has said and done. I KNOW there area lot of lies, small ones, yet coupled with the above qoutes and insults, I cannot stand to NOT know more. I am getting the VAR tonight, and if I find something, will then get a "bug" for her office... and so on and son on.

Pathetic, I know, but it is eating at my very being, every day and keeping me up at night. It is quite frankly, making me sick.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Though I highly suspect infidelity, will you still be paranoid if you find nothing?


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Though I highly suspect infidelity, will you still be paranoid if you find nothing?




I hope not. 
Used to be, I trusted her with all my soul.. for over the last 21 years. This past year, with the "pictures taken and sent of her and her friends boobs, where first she didn't do anything, then they "made" her, to the pictures that were sent to my phone being deleted and it "never happened, I am crazy" last August... 

to her boss at work having meetings at Hooters 3 times a week, but doesn't drink, "he is very preofessional" to a few months later, one in the same boss, who I personally witnessed with a tall boy beer at 2 in the aternoon a couple months ago, my wife complained about that he "always screws up the scheduling as he is drunk half the time, then the customers yell at me and I want to tell him to go get another beer and get the hell out of the office" to which I replied, I thought he didn;t drink, gott hat blank stare and then the "whatever, your being ridiculus" 

to her bringing up an incident between us back in 1989 when we first started dating, and calling me "the *****" not her...

All this **** has happened with in the last year.

Most of me wants to believe that it is just a former cheerleader enjoying the attention and conversations and she is/has been very out going forever and nothing is gong on but casual flirting and compliments and she is enjoying the "rebirth" of her popularity from back in the day. She was, "Most Popular and Best All Around in high school you know" she reminds constantly.

BUT dammit a small part keeps eating at me that there is more!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You do what you have to do, if that means spying on her then by all means do so.


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