# Wife admitted to it



## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

Ok this is where i am at and need help cause my head is really messed up. My wife and i made a misstake and decided to become swingers. Life was all good at least i thought it was. In the past six months we found a couple that were hangin with and then basically we stopped hanging out cause the wife said that her husband was falling for my wife. i did not believe it and they also agreed with me. I did notice that they were becoming really good friends and he was also becoming one of my best friends. through the months they would text constantly but i would talk with him to on a daily basis. i told my wife that if she was going to have lunch with him that she needs to tell me. well people around me told me that they think that something was going on but they did not now. Well i finally checked the wifes computer and read some IM's from them. It said that she was going to his house and having lunch together. so i confronted her and she said that they were just hanging out. I knew she was lying. so a couple weeks went on with our marriage failing and dying the whole time. we would fight about it and she would still deny it. Then one day i found out she went to see him again and i told her that i want the darn truth. she said yes we are having an affair. so there is the story. 

ok. so she wants to be seperated for now. i told her that i am willing to forget and lets work on this marriage and make it work. she says she is not sure. and well we were supposed to go on vacation to atlanta with this guy that was supposed to be my friend but now i am not going but she says she is still going. She told me that after the trip she will decide what she wants. 

What am i to do? She was the only girlfriend i ever had and we have two kids. Do i get out or keep trying to make her come back? she says that we were having problems before the affair but i had my blinders on and didnt see it. What do i do?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

You guys broke #1 rule no emotions, simply flesh.

As a swinger guy already having your wife.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First let me say that you are a complete fool. Now that its been said. Does your wife work? Please tell me she doesn't. Tell her that the day she leaves for Atlanta, you will be filing for divorce. And that when she comes back all her clothes, everything she has will tossed out. Tell her that there is an new sheriff in town. Also if the children ask why you are throwing mommy's stuff out, Tell her that you will tell them, that mommy has a new boyfriend (They have the right to know). Tell her you will out the affair to all friends and relatives. As for right now. You need to go and separate your finances. Close all joint bank accounts and credit cards before she can go. Or the alternative is her going and being done by this guy multiple times. I guess it comes down to whether you will accept being cuckolded or not. Decision is yours.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

that she did break the number one rule. i fully agree with u on that one. 

and yes she does work. but part time. she is taking her check to go cause i told her that i am not paying for her to have fun with him. I can say that i feel that it is over. I guess i just dont have that back bone to do these things. My problem is i dedicated my life to her. Stuck with her when she tore her acl. stuck with her when she lost jobs. i married her for a reason. The fact that i love her to much to just give up. even tho i should.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

She has even said that right now when i touch her that she doesnt get the goose bumps or any other feelings anymore. Should this tell me its over. I told this is how i feel and she says that its not really over but needs her space to think on what she wants. I guess i am just really confused. 

Does anyone think that this can be fixed? Should I be waiting for her? I feel i shouldnt, but everytime i try and talk to her she just gets mad and tells me she needs space. No i am getting mad talking about it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Thats to bad. Because I wrote those measures to give you a fighting chance to save your marriage. The problem is. She has lost all respect for you. What I have suggested will renew that respect. But by all means, if you think being weak and letting her cheat is the way to keep her. More power to you. And I mean that literally.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

What about his wife? How does she feel about this affair?

Also why are they comming here to Atlanta for vacation? there are a few Serious swinger clubs here, is that why?

Well that happens sometimes with swingers, may I asked why you became swingers? was it to add spice to a relationship that seemed to "lack something" ?

Also witht he swinger community becomming "close friends" with 1 couple ius a recipe for a disaster becuase eventually emotions become part of it...and thus a divorce.

My wife and I thought about being swingers, we checked out a club in NJ and Atlanta....we decided it wasn't for us, so we moved on.

I imagine your marriage was dying a long time ago. I would start to move on, but I am curious about his wife, what happened to her?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

She was your first? Dude, you need to leave. 

Who's idea was it anyway to become swingers?
I'm thinking it was hers, am I right? You did it cause you wanted to be a 'good' husband?

Listen, you need to stop being a doormat. She's loving this...she's getting off on walking all over you. that "I'll decide when I come back..." WTF is that?

Thats basically saying..."well honey, I'm going to let him bang my brains out some more...you just wait here"

Do you not see this? Your enabling her by trying harder. You need to get that out of your head...theres NOTHING you can do to affect her behavior. Trying harder just enables her. As things get worse for you, and as she has more fun outside the marriage, you become a 'better' husband. Its win win for her. She's enjoying everything about this...hot extramarital sex and a nice clean doormat for when she comes home. Being more of what you've been already....is just going to make you explode one day.

Look, I'm not seeing any hope in this. She has zilch respect for you. She is pushing the envelope everyday with you and everyday she gets more cause you let her. 

Let her go on vacation with this dude, and while she is gone, take the kids and find a new home and file for divorce. Make sure to get temporary physical custody and have your lawyer order temporary child support. This is no environment to raise kids in.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Forrest gump said it best, "stupid is as stupid does" 

Being swingers was a stupid move, especially with your best friend...

When we entertained the idea, our rule was No friends or co-workers, strangers only and no relationships.

but it never panned out that way.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

She says it is not about the sex. that they have become best friends. I told her that it is obvious more that best friends. she refuses to stop talking to him. It was my idea to become swingers and we became friends after we were in the swinging.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The longer you show her that there is no consequence to her actions, the further away she will drift. Everything you are doing, is helping her to choose him. It is sad to see so many men allowing their wives to cuckold them and basically help them move out of the marriage. At this point, you are definitely the OMs best friend. You are actually doing everything to ensure that he gets your wife. First you let other men do your wife, then you help them by encouraging your wife to leave you, by being incredibly weak and unattractive to her.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I can speak from experience that what initfortheduration says is true, the suggestions are not intended to be mean to your wife or get revenge, they are to make her view you as a man and want you. I suffered from these same things, when I started standing up and being a man in my wife's eyes, things turned around. You dont have to beat up thugs in front of her, just stand up to her in a reasonable way. If you are done with her, fine, hell, I probably would be if I was "second choice" but you have to make yourself "first choice" or "only choice" material. Be that for the next one if not her. 




retodd said:


> that she did break the number one rule. i fully agree with u on that one.
> 
> and yes she does work. but part time. she is taking her check to go cause i told her that i am not paying for her to have fun with him. I can say that i feel that it is over. I guess i just dont have that back bone to do these things. My problem is i dedicated my life to her. Stuck with her when she tore her acl. stuck with her when she lost jobs. i married her for a reason. The fact that i love her to much to just give up. even tho i should.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

cone said:


> I can speak from experience that what initfortheduration says is true, the suggestions are not intended to be mean to your wife or get revenge, they are to *make her view you as a man and want you.* I suffered from these same things, when I started standing up and being a man in my wife's eyes, things turned around. You dont have to beat up thugs in front of her, just stand up to her in a reasonable way. If you are done with her, fine, hell, I probably would be if I was "second choice" but you have to make yourself "first choice" or "only choice" material. Be that for the next one if not her.


No. Thats attaching strings to your behavior...here the strings are changing the way she views you. Whether it works or not should NOT be the issue. Whats at issue when standing up for your feelings and needs is YOU! How she responds to that is up to her, if you expect her to react a certain way, then your no longer doing it for you and you will lose sincerity in your behavior and when they dont act the way you expect you will become depressed and then angry. The anger will destroy you too if you dont realize the motives in your behavior and how wrong they were. Do you see how that sets you up?

Cone, in your case, you drew boundries and your wife respected them...that shows that she had respect for you all along, and is a good foundation for hope in a marriage. Assuming she's not just pretending, it means she's a good person! In my case, my wife showed me her ugly side when I did this. Well I'm learning self respect, so I'm the one getting the divorce.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Good point and I agree, see, I'm still learning!

Yes, retodd, do it for you, and you will eventually get positve results. I have learned that being a martyr serves no good purpose. 



Tim said:


> No. Thats attaching strings to your behavior...here the strings are changing the way she views you. Whether it works or not should NOT be the issue. Whats at issue when standing up for your feelings and needs is YOU! How she responds to that is up to her, if you expect her to react a certain way, then your no longer doing it for you and you will lose sincerity in your behavior and when they dont act the way you expect you will become depressed and then angry. The anger will destroy you too if you dont realize the motives in your behavior and how wrong they were. Do you see how that sets you up?
> 
> Cone, in your case, you drew boundries and your wife respected them...that shows that she had respect for you all along, and is a good foundation for hope in a marriage. Assuming she's not just pretending, it means she's a good person! In my case, my wife showed me her ugly side when I did this. Well I'm learning self respect, so I'm the one getting the divorce.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

thanks for everybody helping out it does help. and makes me realize what i am doing. i really appreciate it.

I told her about this site and what i have been told. Her she was really angry that i would listen to people on here. i told her that people on her have been through this and that they know. We are gonna sit down on monday probably and have a final talk. She has to decide and after she does then i told her that i will decide what i want after that. Is this what i should do?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

First off, you told her about this site because you are feeling guilty about standing up for yourself here and making her look bad. I know how you feel because I was the same way. Hell, the only way I could muster the strength to even post about what I went through with my wife was to make an alias. Tim isn't even my name! It's Andre! 

Theres nothing wrong for you to go talking about your problems with others and to get support from others. You are still using her as an emotional crutch and you told her hoping that she would approve of your frankness with her. STOP!

I really wish you did not say anything about this site my friend.....ugh.

Ok, well, what are you hoping to accomplish by having a talk on monday? And why monday? Why not today? 

You are trying to be 'nice' again, and your not allowing yourself to react to her abuse of your marriage. React already! Stop sitting around for talks. Just do it. I'm willing to bet your getting angry but your counter it with being nice....you need to get angry already! She loves gettin' it from your friend...who knows in how many holes and only you can imagine how many positions they do it in. Does she scream his name? Ohh baby!


Hey!....aren't you mad!?!?!?! Start writing down your feelings! What do you do while she's out with him? Take care of the kids? Cook? Clean? and when she gets home, what do you do? Try to be there for her?

Its not working! Hello! She's just enjoying it.

Get mad already! 

Let her leave to atlanta, and then take the kids. Stop talking to her and STOP letting her control your mind. This marriage is gone. The only time you guys should even be talking is when it has to do with where the kids are or are going to be.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

And i understand what u are saying. monday is when she gets back and we decide on our future. I want to give her one more chance to try again. I know i shouldnt but i married her for a reason. I guess if she says that she will never see or talk to him again then i will make sure of this and until i know 100% sure i will keep checking. then if she decides not to stop talking to him then i am gone.

She doesnt see him when i am home. she goes when i go to work. but when i am home and if she is home she texts him like crazy and that does piss me off. 

Am i crazy for trying to give her one more chance?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

retodd,

She has 0 respect for you, mostly due to as a man you have shown 0 backbone in the relationship.

You are sitting at home while she's on a vacation with the other man banging her brains out, and you are just waiting for her to come home to "decide your future".

Put her crap out on the curb, let her come home to her stuff in the front yard, period, end of discussion..and change the doorlocks so she can't get in.

I'm not saying that things can't get better in the future and return to the 2 of you, but right now you have to stand up for yourself and KICK HER OUT.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

retodd, I know what youre going through and I know your goals. You want to be desirable in her eyes again. The ONLY way to do that is to become desirable and to do it for you. 

This is what she sees:
Here is this man, he waits at home while his wife bangs another man while out of town and tries to puppy up to her when she gets back. Most people if they were watching this on a reality show would think "what a poor schmuck to take that crap from her, wimp!"... she sees this also even though she is the one doing it. Stand up, be strong, dont take crap from her, and she maybe, just maybe might think "oh my, what a man, I want him!" (she can do it after you find someone else to!)... but dont do it for THAT reason, do it so you can look in the mirror and say that about YOURSELF. A hottie that cant resist you will be right aorund the corner, she will be yours forever if you accomplish this. 

How do I know?? I am YOU, I am right in the middle of this, the only difference is my wife doesnt resort to such tactics as screwing another man, but guess what? every other wife and girlfriend I have ever had before now has!!! I am breaking the pattern, you need to do the same.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

retodd said:


> Am i crazy for trying to give her one more chance?


Duh. Yes!
I am completely unable to grasp the concept of one man being comfortable with another banging his wife. 
But, somehow, you went there - and now are dealing with the consequences.

I don't wish to be harsh here, but you gave your wife away. I don't see that there's any going back. I know it's hard, but move on. 
And maybe think twice before letting other people shag your wife again??? Sheesh. Sorry, I just don't get it.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Retodd. 

You are passive aggressive. You try to get things you want by being passive. This is no way to live your life. I swear, its people like you (and me) that go on these rampages and start shooting up the place. Not all those like us go on rampages, but all those that go on rampages are like us...i.e. codependent.

Why? 

Because none of these passive tactics actually work. In fact, the more hopelessly codependent you are, the more you enable people to screw you over, and take and take and take what you keep on giving. The worst part of it all, when things get really bad for us, we think trying harder to do what we've been doing will solve it...how ironic is that? The very thing that got us in the mess in the first place, is the very thing we try harder to do. And you're doing it now. 

Do what you want. I can't force you. I feel compelled to save you because thats our nature, its almost like trying to save myself but really I'm starting to get frustrated here because, again, what I veiw as generous is not getting me what I want...which is to see you stand up for yourself. 

You are worse off than I thought! You're so hard headed in your ways "If she could just see how nice I am, see how good of a husband I am, if I could just let her screw around on me...maybe she'll love me for doing this." You have no limits to her actions! Whats next? Her pregnant with this guy? Maybe if you raise her bastard child, she'll see how much of a good guy you are. Hey, why stop there? 

It's not logical. This view of yourself as being a newage nice guy that all women dream of having is a false one, it only gets you this...a wife that believes she is entitled to extra marital affairs.

If none of this bothered you, you wouldn't be here for advice.
If it didnt bother you, then there'd be no issues.

If this DOES bother you, you are headed for a life of hell and its you thats yearning to please the devil himself. Stop pleasing the devil...your kids are going to end up doing the same! You think your chained up, but you refuse to see that you hold the keys to your locks.

...that said, if you want help, try to realize that you are allowed to change your mind. Talking to her on monday is a conditional decision....talk about being passive.

I'm so sorry for you and your kids. This is only going to get worse, . If one day you wake up and realize "its all better now" its only because your decieving yourself.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Guys,

Wow he he married to my ex, same story.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The problem is. You indoctrinated her into a lifestyle where she would have sex with different men. Possibly more then one at a time. You have trained her, that this is how marriage is. She already lies and defies you. It was advised that you take a number of steps to insure she doesn't go. You did not see fit to take that advice. She leaves town with one of her sexual partners for a few days of fun in bed. Then when she comes home after doing this other guy for a week, you are going to put your foot down and say. "No more doing this guy, no more contact". And though you trained her to defile herself and your marriage with other men. You expect her to just turn around and stop doing it. There was no consequence to her going. You most likely could have stopped her. But you were weak and afraid to put your foot down. Even though you earn the money, and she doesn't work. I think this is an accurate grasp of the situation. 

Your wife will never stop doing other men. You got her into the lifestyle, and she likes it. Even if you put your foot down, she will cheat behind your back. Because, after all, you were OK with it when you were swinging together. YOU WARPED HER SEXUAL DESIRE AND NOTHING YOU DO WILL CHANGE THAT. I MEAN COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE WITH YOU SAYING, "GO DO THAT GUY" AND HER SAYING "I'M GONNA GO DO THAT GUY"? THE ONLY THING DIFFERENT, IS NOW YOU WILL FEEL THE PAIN OF WHAT YOU HAD WROUGHT. AND IT WILL MOST LIKELY COST YOU YOUR FAMILY.

YOU HAVE NO MORAL AUTHORITY TO MAKE HER STOP. AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAND TO ENFORCE THAT SHE STOPS. SO WHAT'S THE OUTCOME? SHE DOESN'T STOP.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Tim said:


> Retodd.
> 
> It's not logical. This view of yourself as being a newage nice guy that all women dream of having is a false one, it only gets you this...a wife that believes she is entitled to extra marital affairs.


I lived this lie all my life and have JUST NOW at age 45 realized it. I have lost every woman I have ever been with due to this. Even my daughter didnt want to be around me for a while.

My present wife says whatever is on her mind, even if it sounds hateful and thank God for that. It has made me realize I need to change. She was on the brink and now I am bringing her back. I can tell you, me bringing her back has NOTHING to do with acting the way you are now!

I know you think "if she just sees how forgiving I can be"... BS !!!!!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Hey Cone.
So sorry it took this long for you to realize. Usually it takes something very profound and tragic for a codependent (aka 'nice guys' when it comes to guys) to realize that their eager to please behavior gets them nothing they really want. 

Init is right also, in the sense that being like this CAN actually make your spouse disrespect you. I argue that they are already disrespectful people to begin with...but who knows, our behavior might just make that aspect of them worse.

However, one thing is for sure, trying harder to be nice WONT change anyone in our favor. It'll just make it worse.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

In my case, no one ever told me. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, just couldnt put my finger on it. The others just diverted their interest and it fell apart. My present wife will tell it like it is!!! The threat of losing her is what did it. She is the only one that was worth keeping anyway! 



Tim said:


> Hey Cone.
> So sorry it took this long for you to realize. Usually it takes something very profound and tragic for a codependent (aka 'nice guys' when it comes to guys) to realize that their eager to please behavior gets them nothing they really want.
> 
> Init is right also, in the sense that being like this CAN actually make your spouse disrespect you. I argue that they are already disrespectful people to begin with...but who knows, our behavior might just make that aspect of them worse.
> ...


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

cone said:


> In my case, no one ever told me.* I knew SOMETHING was wrong, just couldnt put my finger on it.* The others just diverted their interest and it fell apart. My present wife will tell it like it is!!! The threat of losing her is what did it. She is the only one that was worth keeping anyway!


gosh, that was me for 6 years in this relationship. 

Get the book "Anxious to Please: 7 revolutionary practices for the chronically nice". 

On page 63..."_Because conflict frightens 'Nice People', they often find it impossible to simply state their case._"
Note that 'Nice People' is a codependent person. 
I had to highlight this sentence because it described me so well, and this is the reason that when we get fed up we just end up looking like we are mad crazy because we just can't explain the injustices we've experienced. We are well aware of this fact, so we just shut up, and try harder to be what we think is 'nice'.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

the problem was you didn't set boundries,.....by becomming "friends" with the guy it turned into a "friendship"...well sexual "friendships" between a man and a women always have emotion...and that will evolve to more.

Swingers cardinal rule is "keep it to" acquatinces...people you know, but not friends with. Extrodinary people those who can do it, I would get to jealous, glad I left it as a fantasy.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Wow, the words describe something way too familiar ... I will get the book, thanks.



Tim said:


> gosh, that was me for 6 years in this relationship.
> 
> Get the book "Anxious to Please: 7 revolutionary practices for the chronically nice".
> 
> ...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Why are you so sad you did it yourselfs DUH!


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## ashamed (Apr 25, 2009)

I am somewhat in the same boat you are my friend. My wife and I also make the terrible mistake of getting into swinging. sounds like the only main difference is that instead of falling for the guy she begun having an affair with someone she met. She told me that she needs someone that will protect her and not expose her to another man. Unfortunately I feel I am to late to save our marriage although I have tried so hard to right the wrongs I created. We have 2 kids also that will suffer the most out of this fiasco. Really do not know how I became so stupid.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

Hello, finally back again. Well we hav decided to go our seperate ways. she has moved out and I am starting to feel better for myself. I am happy she is gone. She was never gonna stop. I can tell all of u that i agree that swinging was the worst misstake in my life.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Retodd, I left you a private message.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Retodd - No one here knows you personally and have given you insight to what they know to be true & what works or makes sence. Consider that we have (together) years of experiences that you do not. You agreed to something that you later discovered was not right FOR YOU. She on the other hand enjoys either the lifestyle or just that particular man. Either way, she should respect her marriage and give it & him up. Do the bank thing as sugested, file for sole custody & a LEGAL seperation. Think of your children first, then yourself and put her last. If she continues with this guy, move on also. Single women love men who are raising children alone. They will line up around your block. Next!!!


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