# Stuck and unhappy



## Roseswhite (Mar 2, 2019)

I have been married a little over 20 years. We have 2 teenage girls. Over the years my husband has gotten increasingly more passive aggressive and I have unfortunately enabled him. We can have "talks" and make mutual agreements that he later breaks. The issues used to be about money. We would talk and make an agreement about how to budget only for him to decide later on his own something different. The few times I called him on it,and had him re visit what we agreed on he got angry and very sarcastic. He makes it hard to call him out because somehow I am left feeling as though its all my fault even when he is the one that broke the deal! I have learned to just let him handle the money and I do what I want. He just has to figure it out. If he wants all the control, he can have it. That attitude has worked well for over a year now. However, the big issue is his job. He is never happy. Over the years I have supported him through job changes, reduced schedules, going back to school, etc. I can almost predict the time of year, every year, that he will start complaining saying he is burned out and needs a break. Really???? I have been working a steady, very stressful job for almost the enirety of our marriage. I cope and move on. Why cant he? This comes up every year and I am tired. This year when it came up I finally told him he has to work. Thats it. So that conversation was several weeks ago and he has been moping around here ever since. I am tired of him being able to "check out" when things dont go his way. The kids have learned to avoid him, sadly. I have been mostly responsible for them and their needs since he decided to withdraw...but even when he is happy, I am the one responsible for pretty much everything involving them. Im frustrated and done. Talking to him helps nothing. He gets defensive and turns it around on me. I realize marriage counseling probably needs to be in my future, but any other advice would be welcome.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband needs to take note










He might need counselling.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Practice the 180 while he agrees to counseling.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is who he is, and its very unlikely that he will ever change who he is. If you want to stay with him, you need to figure out how to cope with him and his attitude. Yes it would be good to get into MC, or better yet get HIM into IC, but I would bet that wont happen. You need to stop participating in his whine-fests, and ignore when he is pouting around. Good for you for telling him that he needs to keep working... but now you have to deal with this grown man acting like a toddler who didnt get his way. Probably the best thing to do is ignore him, and stay away from him. Try not to be in the same room.. if he starts to pout and whine to you, walk away. If you approach him with something and he starts in, tell him you can talk about it when he has calmed down, and then walk away. Dont do anything to try and help him out, or make something easier for him. The more you engage with him in these fits, the more it encourages him and they longer it lasts. Dont enable the behavior. Go about what you need to do like he isnt even there. Once he figures out that you are no longer playing along, it will force him to change his approach. 

Or not. 

If doing this doesnt change the dynamic between you at all, then I would suggest you start making an exit plan. A PA husband who doesnt want to work is life draining. I'd be willing to bet that your kids would LOVE the idea of getting away from him as well.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

Sounds to me like your husband may have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) . Do you live in a locale with cold weather and little sun during the winter? You certainly have other issues, but your husband becoming a bear who wants to quit his job and alienate his family deep into the winter season sounds like SAD. Look it up, initial treatment steps are really easy.


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## Roseswhite (Mar 2, 2019)

Not sure what the 180 is?


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## Roseswhite (Mar 2, 2019)

Thank you all for your suggestions so far. I have been ignoring him for weeks now. I guess its starting to really irritate me. I know we need to talk but everytime I have ever brought concerns up he turns it around on me somehow and leaves me feeling as though it is my fault. I don't want to leave because my kids really think we are okay and I don't want to rock their worlds. Therapy may be the next step but that will require a conversation I really am not excited about having. Ugh.....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Roseswhite said:


> Thank you all for your suggestions so far. I have been ignoring him for weeks now. I guess its starting to really irritate me. I know we need to talk but everytime I have ever brought concerns up he turns it around on me somehow and leaves me feeling as though it is my fault. I don't want to leave because my kids really think we are okay and I don't want to rock their worlds. Therapy may be the next step but that will require a conversation I really am not excited about having. Ugh.....


You dont want to leave because of your kids... yet your kids avoid him, that is NOT a healthy family dynamic. Your kids think you are ok? You are teaching them that the way he treats all of you is how marriage and family works, is this the kind of marriage you are hoping for for them when they become adults?

He isnt going to agree to therapy. The only thing that is going to rock his world hard enough to MAYBE elicit even a little bit of change is if you let him know you will leave. Then he will only implement any change long enough to convince you to stay, then its back to status quo.


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## Roseswhite (Mar 2, 2019)

Yes 3Xnocharm, I see your point and perhaps you are correct, but leaving shouldn't be my only option. It may sound like a simple solution to some, but to me it is a last resort. Maybe my children do see that things aren't great right now but I would rather them see us work through it somehow than to give up without trying. This is why I joined this forum, to hopefully connect with others that have been through similar situations and can offer support and advice. I can't be the only wife out there married to a passive aggressive man. Maybe I will decide to leave him one day, but doing that before I have exhausted all options to save us first would also set a poor example of marriage for my children.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What is the 180?

The 180 is for YOU. It’s not to win back your cheater, but to make you strong--getting on with your life without regard to what the cheater is doing. Don’t try to speak truth to stupid, do this instead. Take care of yourself.

This is a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Roseswhite said:


> Yes 3Xnocharm, I see your point and perhaps you are correct, but leaving shouldn't be my only option. It may sound like a simple solution to some, but to me it is a last resort. Maybe my children do see that things aren't great right now but I would rather them see us work through it somehow than to give up without trying. This is why I joined this forum, to hopefully connect with others that have been through similar situations and can offer support and advice. I can't be the only wife out there married to a passive aggressive man. Maybe I will decide to leave him one day, but doing that before I have exhausted all options to save us first would also set a poor example of marriage for my children.



I do understand your point, I do. But you have to realize that people with the personality like your husband has, they aren’t going to just change because you want them to, or because they know you’re unhappy. They figure why should they, you aren’t going anywhere, so why should they make that effort? They believe that they are fine just as they are. They believe everyone else in the world are the ones with the problems. They like to blameshift and gaslight, making you believe that you are the crazy one. I know this crap, because I was married to someone passive aggressive, who also had anger issues. 

We say around here all the time on TAM, sometimes you have to be willing to lose it to save it. 


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