# Not happy anymore...



## sunshine08 (May 1, 2009)

A little bit of background, I've been married 11 years, 3 kids, 10,9 and 7. DH is a great provider, always working.. but we have had so many arguments about the discipline of our kids. DS had a big behavioral problems but is now getting better. 

Over the last 3 yrs, all the ugliness I have seen in my DH has turned me off. he screams and yells, says I'm to easy. I grew up in a house with a alcoholic father, who always yelled, and i don't want my kids growing up like I did. I don't like hitting, I take things away. I feel you have to show a child respect to get that same thing back. 

Its hard to talk to my DH as everything I say, he turns to be a "oh poor me" type of thing. I told him that sometimes I feel "dirty" during sex (I was raped at 16) and basically my sex life after that was using sex as a way to "get a man to like/love me" 

He has gained weight.. all in his belly and that totally turns me off, I look at him with disgust as he stands there, his hands folded on his stomach. I have asked him, If I had gained weight like that if he would still be interested in me, and he did say no. 

I dont mean to sound mean, but this has been going on for a while, its like he has lost respect for me, the way he eats (shoveling it all in) the way he drags his feet across the floor, (when I have asked so many times not to do that) burping, farting, dirty sweaty clothes left on the floor when I haven't gotten to bring a basket up, and I'm the one that has to pick it up. all of this, these little things.. just eats away at me, and irritates me to no end, and turns me off him. its like he has the cow but doesn't want to take care of it, but expects it to still give milk. 

He was never very romantic, (still kind of confused as to what made me fall in love with him and honestly I dont think I can answer as we had a very difficult and emotional first 7 years together..... he was married but separated, although I didnt know that for some time and then told him to figure out what he wanted.. 

Im not really sure how to say anything to him, we really dont "talk" as it is.. I feel as if we have nothing in common and Im just here.. the cook, the maid, the driver, the laundry lady, everything for everyone else.. what do you say so you dont hurt feelings... I am very lost, feel alone, feel like I have lost "me" 

Sorry its so long, but i have held this in for quite some time


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

1. Disciplining the children doesn't have to be a battle between the parents. It is too easy to take parenting classes together so you both discover the harm you are doing. He learns the ultimate consequences of ridicule and also learns how abused people (himself as a child) turn into abusers (he is doing the same as was done to him). You learn impact the disparity in parenting styles have on the kids since it is important to present a consistent and united front. Disagreeing on discipline won't be necessary when you are in sync on the ways to do it.

2. Marriage counseling will help you both learn how to communicate and respect each other. He also needs to understand the long-term affect being raped has on your psyche. Perhaps you need to make an appointment with the rape crisis for that.

3. You should look into individual counseling to help you re-discover yourself. Many women lose themselves into being wife, mommy, and homemaker. You should be able to decide who you are and your own worth. It sounds like you're in a rut and need an outlet.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What Susan said.

Nothing will change here except that some day you will (a) turn around and walk out the door or (b) turn around 15 years from now and be sorry you didn't take action today.

See a counselor together or, if he won't go, go alone and let him know you are serious about fixing the marriage or yourself.


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## eatpraylove (Aug 16, 2010)

I totally agree.....you will regret wasting more time on a person who doesn't respect you and your feelings. 
My H isn't as overtly difficult, but he's very self-centered and only does nice things when he feels like I'm not happy with him for some reason. And then he acts like a child, pointing out to me what he did for me, like I'm his mom or something! It's so frustrating.


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