# Not sure what is normal anymore...



## Sammy100 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi Everyone, 
Feel really terrible to offload here but I am hoping someone else will be able to tell me if I am over-reacting or expecting too much as that is what my H constantly tells me. I can't talk to family and friends anymore as I feel they are all sick of me just talking and not doing anything. i have been married for 2.5yrs- it was actually my H who wanted to get married and settle down...we are 34 and 38. Since being married my H has changed, he treats our house like a hotel, coming back from work and sitting on his computer, he pays for nothing to do with the house (we split all living costs 50-50) I buy anything nice for the house/friends/holidays etx. I do not mind the money but he never says I love you or hugs me or kisses me. When I complain about this he says he will try but then nothing changes...he does not beat me or cheat on me but is that enough...i feel more alone than i have ever in my life. i can't seem to get through to him and can tell he thinks i am just moaning- but i am not, we have nothing shared other than the mortgage. he will constantly put what he wants to do first- even when he says he is trying to be nice he will then walk out on me to see his friends. i am stuck as why doesn't he just leave if he does not want to be with me- we have not had a physical relationship for over 7mths and i can't see that changing as we are so far apart- we keep trying to be nice but each time he just puts something awkward in the mix (like booking a holiday with friends/ or refusing to share in things for the house)....if anyone has any advice about how to change things i would soooo love to hear from you.
Thanks so much Sammy :scratchhead:


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

What you are doing right now isn't working, so you've got to try something different. 

Read up on the 180 (detailed in Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, but also available on line -- just do a search for it). Start taking care of yourself and stop pursuing, begging, pleading with your H. Rather than try to book a nice romantic get away for the two of you, find a hobby, go visit an old school friend, train for a race and run it. The idea is to build your own life, independent of your H. Show him that you are ready to move forward with your life with or without him. He may find the new you interesting and decide to pursue you. He may not, but either way you'll be happier than in you are trying (in vain) to persuade him to love you.

My second piece of advice is to make sure that you read up on how men and women act in relationships. Try reading "The Five Languages of Love" and "His Needs, Her Needs". If your H is checked out of your marriage these may not help. But, it is possible that the two of you are missing the signals that each other is sending because you speak different love languages. It's also possible that you are failing to recognize some of his needs and that is why he feels distant from you. 

Finally, given that you've only been married 2.5 years and you haven't been intimate in 7 months, you have got to consider the possibility that he is having an affair. Head on over to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum for a ton of advice on how to find out if he is cheating, and how (& when) to react if he is cheating.


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## Sammy100 (Dec 4, 2012)

hey thanks for the reply - it sounds like you know lots about this...i have tried to go off and do things but i think he actually likes being on his own as he never asks me to do stuff with him or bothered that i am out. i am pretty convinced he does not love me or want this marriage- i moved out last month for 2 weeks as i finally got my head round idea of a divorce- but then he begs me to come back and says he will see a counsellor/loves me etx....but never acts like it....this is my biggest problem when he says he wants it to work i get sucked right back in and then the cycle continues--- he genuinely cannot see how it feels when he walks out on me to meet his friends or family time and time again or does not show any warmth- i have tried to ignore the lonely rubbish feeling but after a few days i just crumble again...


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## Sammy100 (Dec 4, 2012)

Ps- if i do the 180 which i did read before he just gets to carry on as normal (not speak to me/not help in house/not be affectionate)--if i never moaned or was upset we would never argue--but i can't seem to do that, i wish i could


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So next time, move out and don't come back until you actually see changes. And not just a week of changes, but longer term changes. At this point, you've taught him that he can safely ignore your "moaning", as you're content to let things continue the way they are. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Sammy100 said:


> hey thanks for the reply - it sounds like you know lots about this...i have tried to go off and do things but i think he actually likes being on his own as he never asks me to do stuff with him or bothered that i am out. i am pretty convinced he does not love me or want this marriage- i moved out last month for 2 weeks as i finally got my head round idea of a divorce- but then he begs me to come back and says he will see a counsellor/loves me etx....but never acts like it....this is my biggest problem when he says he wants it to work i get sucked right back in and then the cycle continues--- he genuinely cannot see how it feels when he walks out on me to meet his friends or family time and time again or does not show any warmth- i have tried to ignore the lonely rubbish feeling but after a few days i just crumble again...


My advice is get out. Mine would do the same - just empty promises. When it got so bad we had screaming matched every day and I wouldn't stop crying I visited my friends in different state for few weeks. I missed him like hell and really wanted to fix it between us. He would promise to change and start showing affection. I suggested we write down everything what we love about each other, what we hate about each other and what we would like to change. We could exchange those letters when I come back and have a quiet read. I spend days writing mine, we had more sweet talk on the phone and I was flying back full of hopes waiting to fall into my husbands arms.

Well, he didn't meet me at arrivals as parking is too expensive, he forgot to write the letter too. Never been that much hurt.

He wrote this eventually - under what he loves about me was my body and my cooking, hates- when I scream at him, changes - he wish that I start ironing his shirts.

Why the hell I stayed for another 6 years beats me.

I decided yesterday divorce is the best option. They never change - they will promise you change to shut you up. Additionally if he doesn't share house expenses what are you? Sugar Mama?

Think about yourself - you deserve to be happy :smthumbup:


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