# single life



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm so sick of my married friends trying to tell me how glamorous single life is, how I can eat what I want, do what I want, watch tv when I want. Oh yeah, if its so amazing why aren't you single? Oh yeah that's right because its not a glamorous life!

I'm terrified of being single, its not what I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Proud, have you been seeing a counselor? If so, how often? If it's not working for you, you need to see another one. 

Your married friends are right... the freedom is nice, relatively speaking. Look... I want to be in a relationship again, when I'm ready and with the right person. I've doing my best to come to terms with the fact that's not going to happen yet. And, that's ok, I'm not ready now anyway.

I'm concerned you're wallowing and not being part of your own solution. I know it hurts, but you've realized you deserve better. You've had good moments. Focus on those, if you've haven't yet, see a counselor. If you're not getting quality sleep, see your family doctor for a sleeping pill prescription. Exercise. See friends and family. Keep a journal. 

I think you know the drill, but have you been applying the steps?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think Canguy66 is looking out for you. We can all relate to ranting here and rant away, but make sure you are looking out for yourself and what makes you a healthier you.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I'm so sick of my married friends trying to tell me how glamorous single life is, how I can eat what I want, do what I want, watch tv when I want. Oh yeah, if its so amazing why aren't you single? Oh yeah that's right because its not a glamorous life!
> 
> I'm terrified of being single, its not what I want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand what you are saying to a point. My friends are kind of saying the same thing, and yes, they're mostly married or attached. 

There are things I really enjoy doing alone, I get full control of the remote, I get to watch whatever I want, I get to hog the entire sofa. Letting the dishes pile up bothers no one lol. But, on the other hand, it would be nice to share some of that with someone, or at least get a "dish washer". 

I think they're trying to make you feel better, and just don't know what else to say.

Get out and do some fun things....


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Proud, I know what you mean, but they may be trying to make you feel better, though I know it doesn't help. Friends are sometimes not that sensitive to your feelings. My Grandmother is trying to convince me to date and more. I said," I am still married, not a good idea." You will be fine, with time and help.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I've been smacking Proud upside the head for a month now. He's still in the doldrums.

I'm worried he might be sliding into depression.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I've been smacking Proud upside the head for a month now. He's still in the doldrums.
> 
> I'm worried he might be sliding into depression.


I agree bandit. He sounds worse day by day.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Nah, I think this is Prouds outlet folks. Any fears or worries he just is posting here in order to know he isn't crazy for feeling the way he does. There are not many people in our everyday lives that can relate to us, like we all can. Because we are all going through it, they simply are not. 

It is why their advice seems empty. 

Proud,

Single, fear of the unknown, don't know what your future holds, rejection, missing your kids, leaving the family home, divorce, splitting your kids up like they are a commodity, etc. 

It is a lot to deal with. It is a lot to process. If you are feeling lost though and can not function on a decent level you really need to go to IC. There is nothing wrong with doing that and they can help you accept what is going on and get you looking forward instead of backwards.

This is our new reality, make the best out of it, but do not make it worse than it has to be. Like they said above, keep stepping forward even though it hurts to let go. You have to.

Put it in gods hands.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

have you been to a counselor proud? asked about anti-depressants? i've been on them for a very long time, so i can recommend them. the only way anyone can be in a healthy relationship is first being healthy alone. 

and you know what? i'll bet a lot of those friends mean it...they really wish they had more freedom. people don't say these things lightly. be realistic, if every marriage is so great why are boards like these filled?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I've had one appointment with an IC, i've been on some moderate anti-depressants, but I think I might go back to the doctor for a stronger dose. The alone thing is tough because i'm such (or was such) a people person. I hate coming home to an empty house, not have anyone to talk to at night about my day, etc. All that stuff sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Proud....I think you need to try to rewire your brain if you can. Granted, its not easy.....but do explore and find the benefits of being on your own. Namely..
.do whatever you like, when you like. All the stuff you compromised for in your marriage; its now no compromise time! You can still be a people person, just get out there amongst other people, not your stbx! Those old friends....look em up. New hobbies, new friends...go for it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I'm so sick of my married friends trying to tell me how glamorous single life is, how I can eat what I want, do what I want, watch tv when I want. Oh yeah, if its so amazing why aren't you single? Oh yeah that's right because its not a glamorous life!
> 
> I'm terrified of being single, its not what I want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I eat what I want lol.

Your friends sound ....kinda lame.

I'm married, but I'd never tell someone going through your situation to be happy about being single.

What turdbuckets!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> I'm so sick of my married friends trying to tell me how glamorous single life is, how I can eat what I want, do what I want, watch tv when I want. Oh yeah, if its so amazing why aren't you single? Oh yeah that's right because its not a glamorous life!
> 
> I'm terrified of being single, its not what I want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I bet they are just trying to cheer you up. They don't get it. I have friends telling me the same thing and to move on and just get a D already so I can move on and find someone that will make me happy. Maybe just tell them to be careful for what they wish for because it's nothing like they think it is.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I think it's hard for married couples to understand what we're going through. In some cases, they may even get worried about their own marriages. It's also a case where some people just don't know what to say.

All we can do is focus on ourselves, plow ahead through the pain, and be part of own won solutions. In time it does get better. 

Proud, you REALLY need to see a counselor more often. I would recommend once every week or two. One sessions ain't gonna cut it. I'm seeing mine every two weeks. Sometimes it's helpful, other times it's just a good venting session, but it's always been beneficial. 

Still hard waking up alone every day, but you know... I don't have that tension in my chest and abdomen from all the stress anymore. Each day is that much easier. I still hear from my stbxw often via FB messages or email, but it's mostly business and that's fine with me (with the exception of her still beign "undecided" about us). 

One day at a time, my friend.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I eat what I want lol.
> 
> Your friends sound ....kinda lame.
> 
> ...


Come on, they were trying to cheer him up in their own lame way


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

I try to find friends that have already gone through a divorce. Their outlook is different. People are just trying to help you feel better. 
I am sticking mostly with those that have gone through the process. I figure "we" can relate to them most, especially the ones that have gone through it recently.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

yellowsubmarine said:


> I try to find friends that have already gone through a divorce. Their outlook is different. People are just trying to help you feel better.
> I am sticking mostly with those that have gone through the process. I figure "we" can relate to them most, especially the ones that have gone through it recently.


+1....I have done the exact same thing. It was pretty easy for me actually; I seem to have a staggering amount of divorced friends!
What I have also found nice (yet unexpected) is if you even just mention it to a stranger who has been through a divorce, chances are they will be happy to talk also...I have really found a lot of support in unexpected places!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think they were trying to cheer him up. 

People need to be able to mourn in their own way and in their own time. Maybe his friends are not happy in their marriages to think that single life is so good.

I was single for 7 years and while it was fun, it was nothing compared to now. 

I see what PIW is saying and I would be bothered too. Sure, maybe his friends think he's having too long of a pity party, but it's HIS party...he'll be done when he's done.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I understand how you feel.

During our M, I isolated myself to W and children. Now, when my children stay with my wife, I go crazy. Can't be alone in my condo!

Over the past 9 months, it's been at bars. I've cut that way back. Can't afford it. That being said, I have met new people.

How else can I meet people and find friends? The gym isn't viable as I go to get stuff done and get out.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Hey, I did find a positive, I don't have the kids tonight so I can watch all the March Madness Basketball games I want. Not that I'm a big basketball fan, but I never did it before so I'll try something new.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Proud it works both ways my single friends have a rosey glasses veiw of marriage too and it drives me nuts to hear them talk about it like it is Disneyland. HATE THAT (I wish it was like DL I really do)
I do hope you adjust and find some happiness with the new chapter of your life. I wish I could say the magic words to make it all better. Keep your head up and keep pushing on. It will be better one day.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i agree thatgirl, if you can't eat what you want or watch tv when you want, you're in the wrong marriage imo!!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Kuriosity,
I try to have a realistic view of marriage, I knew it was work, and I was working at it until the day she said she wanted a divorce. She is the one that feels the pull of single, indepedent life. I still yearn for the companionship, the friendship, the romance that we shared. I hope one day in the future to have that all again, even better.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Over the past 9 months, it's been at bars. I've cut that way back. Can't afford it. That being said, I have met new people.
> 
> How else can I meet people and find friends? The gym isn't viable as I go to get stuff done and get out.


I was thinking the same thing. I am a drinker and love live music but not really thinking it's the best place to meet people. My daughters and I were talking about places to meet men... we came up w/ active in political party or rallies, but other then that I just don't know either. 

Maybe meetup.com?
Kids activities if I can still afford them to be in activities once we D. I just don't know. I can't afford to go back to school to meet men and most of my co-workers are married.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I was thinking the same thing. I am a drinker and love live music but not really thinking it's the best place to meet people. My daughters and I were talking about places to meet men... we came up w/ active in political party or rallies, but other then that I just don't know either.
> 
> Maybe meetup.com?
> Kids activities if I can still afford them to be in activities once we D. I just don't know. I can't afford to go back to school to meet men and most of my co-workers are married.


I doubt bars are the best place to meet others. I went out Sat. night to watch some live music, the band was great, 80's music, I was loving it. I like to people watch, so I was watching guys trying to pick up girls, I laughed so hard. Everyone was around my age..40's.

Meetup.com ...hmmm

School is not a great place to meet men either.....

So yeah, options are limited. The grocery store is "fine" at dinner time though Mama, especially on a Friday night.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I doubt bars are the best place to meet others. I went out Sat. night to watch some live music, the band was great, 80's music, I was loving it. I like to people watch, so I was watching guys trying to pick up girls, I laughed so hard. Everyone was around my age..40's.
> 
> Meetup.com ...hmmm
> 
> ...


I have been watching the men at the store too! lol 
I love people watching too. It will be hard for people our age:scratchhead:


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I don't find bars a good place to meet people. BUT as I've been trying to adjust to facing life alone, they are good tools.

I might not want to take someone home, I don't want to call you in the morning, but the pleasantries of someone at least expressing enough interest in my existence to talk to me, even if it's because they find me physically appealing is still enough to perk my self esteem.

I get so stuck in my own wallowing at times, it also helps to get out and socialize to keep me from my non stop pitty party. 

I don't think it matters what age you are, there is no real "good" place to meet someone, and its quite difficult to meet someone "good" 

Just try to focus on you, proud. it's not easy, I force myself to do it, but even when Im going to sleep early bc theres nothing left for me to resort to doing, I'm still going to bed in a good mood, and waking up well rested and not-stressed or anxious. 

my dogs are also a great help, nothing will deter them from mom and their appreciation is enough to get me through the hard spots.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

This past week I had the kids Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then I have them Tomorrow Night, and Sunday. I've been trying to put all my focus on them right now, being the best I can to get them through. Also, I'm having to teach myself at 34, how to cook. My stbxw is a great cook, and she would make the meals, I would clean all the dishes. I would grill out and bake. I miss grilling out right now. Last night my son brought all his money down to give to me to buy a grill, it almost brought a tear to my eye. I told him that's okay buddy. 

I just have to take my wife off the pedastal, realize that the person I loved is not there anymore, and when I'm ready I'll find someone again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That's the spirit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> I just have to take my wife off the pedastal, realize that the person I loved is not there anymore, and when I'm ready I'll find someone again.


That's where I'm at. Even still, every time I think of stbx, it's all the happy magical love moments and it kills me. 

but when you take those special moments, and compare it with everything else, it's hard to find the person I remember if not completely impossible. 

A year, and Im still stuck on the guy I thought I married, but, I will say, I am so much more an improved version of my former self now, than I ever would have been still in the marriage, and that's enough to celebrate :smthumbup:


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> That's where I'm at. Even still, every time I think of stbx, it's all the happy magical love moments and it kills me.
> 
> but when you take those special moments, and compare it with everything else, it's hard to find the person I remember if not completely impossible.
> 
> A year, and Im still stuck on the guy I thought I married, but, I will say, I am so much more an improved version of my former self now, than I ever would have been still in the marriage, and that's enough to celebrate :smthumbup:




I think I can say the same thing about my H... and hopefully I am improved  
This sucks that he won't see/appreciate it and that we won't be together.

I guess what I need to do is remember the things that bothered me about him because I am thinking that he will be a freakin' lucky catch for any woman who wants him.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I moved past the "he's a lucky catch" phase. I'm pretty certain 98% of women wouldn't even know what to do with him. our favorite thing used to be that we both figured we were destined for each other because who else would get us like we do?

we both know everything about each other and how we function down to an almost science. 

I just still can't get passed not having my other half feeling, I still feel like part of me is missing .-.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> I moved past the "he's a lucky catch" phase. I'm pretty certain 98% of women wouldn't even know what to do with him. our favorite thing used to be that we both figured we were destined for each other because who else would get us like we do?
> 
> we both know everything about each other and how we function down to an almost science.
> 
> I just still can't get passed not having my other half feeling, I still feel like part of me is missing .-.


Totally agree! I have been w/ my H since my 16th bday I am in my 40s now. He was my better half but I guess I didn't reat him that way.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Totally agree! I have been w/ my H since my 16th bday I am in my 40s now. He was my better half but I guess I didn't reat him that way.


In the same boat, but not as long. It still feels odd some days. I miss the feeling of my other half.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> School is not a great place to meet men either.....
> 
> So yeah, options are limited. The grocery store is "fine" at dinner time though Mama, especially on a Friday night.


I don't know, STBXH met lots of girls at school. 

I have heard that one particular Safeway in town is quite the 'meet market.' Of course it's not the one on my side of town, but maybe I should take a trip over there some time.

From proudwidaddy 
"Kuriosity,
I try to have a realistic view of marriage, I knew it was work, and I was working at it until the day she said she wanted a divorce. She is the one that feels the pull of single, indepedent life. I still yearn for the companionship, the friendship, the romance that we shared. I hope one day in the future to have that all again, even better."

This is the hardest part for me. I really went into it knowing I meant 'til death do us part.' He said he did too, but I'm finding out that he'll say pretty much anything when in infatuation mode. 

Everybody talks about 'getting' yourself a new person. How do you just 'get' somebody? We moved here a few months after we got married, and with job changes, having a baby, moving to a different neighborhood, etc., never had a lot of friends & did most things together. We didn't seem to need other people all the time -- seeing them at work was enough, LOL. STBXH got into a crowd when he went to grad school, but since I was left to take care of our son and the house, I was even more isolated. I hate just going places by myself. My two best friends are both married, and quite a bit older than me. Finding other divorced people is a good idea, though. I'm realizing that most everyone I work with is married (that's kinda unusual). 

I did just sign up on meetup.com, so I'll see if they have any things that will work with my schedule when I don't have our son with me. Has anyone else tried them? Is it just a bunch of people trying to hook up?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Last night my son brought all his money down to give to me to buy a grill, it almost brought a tear to my eye. I told him that's okay buddy.


That is so awesome, Proud. Brings a tear to my eye, too. What a special boy. <3


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

[QUOTE

I did just sign up on meetup.com, so I'll see if they have any things that will work with my schedule when I don't have our son with me. Has anyone else tried them? Is it just a bunch of people trying to hook up?[/QUOTE]

I love meetup.com! I've never used it to hook up, but since I've ended or cut way back on my friendships since they've all gone to mommy mode, meetup has been a great way to just meet people with similar interests. I've been to meetups for fitness classes and events, dinner clubs and even found places to volunteer there. I'm sure that there are meetup groups that are singles and hook up oriented, but I think most of the ones focused on a particular interest aren't. I think it's a great way to find new friends. And not the kind in air quotes, lol... Like real people who like things you like. It's a convenient way to get back out into the world again IMHO.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Last night my son brought all his money down to give to me to buy a grill, it almost brought a tear to my eye. I told him that's okay buddy.




What a dear sweet boy you have:smthumbup: 
Made me get up and go check on my son just one more time before I turn of the computer and head to bed.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I think I can say the same thing about my H... and hopefully I am improved
> This sucks that he won't see/appreciate it and that we won't be together.
> 
> I guess what I need to do is remember the things that bothered me about him because I am thinking that he will be a freakin' lucky catch for any woman who wants him.


Mama, you're going to be a "lucky catch" for a man, remember that.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Agast84 said:


> In the same boat, but not as long. It still feels odd some days. I miss the feeling of my other half.


I was with stbxh since I was 18, I know how you feel. Even though my marriage stank in a lot of ways, he was my life.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I don't know, STBXH met lots of girls at school.
> 
> I have heard that one particular Safeway in town is quite the 'meet market.' Of course it's not the one on my side of town, but maybe I should take a trip over there some time.
> 
> ...


My sister and her b/f joined meetup.com, they lived in England for 5 years so they lost touch with friends and wanted to meet new people. They went to a comedy show once. I think I will look into it. All my friends are married, I would like to have a few friends in the same situation as me and who have kids. My friends spend time with family on weekends, so it leaves us alone.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Just checked my local meetup for new members -- everything that is scheduled for the next month is on days when my son is with me, except for one -- bowling. I have been bowling once since high school. Somehow I think that one should not try to meet new people by demonstrating how much one sucks at something. So, maybe next month...Sigh.

Edit: I want to leave this post on a positive note. I saw a group in town that holds contra dances twice a month. You don't have to bring a partner, and the description said it's great for people who want to meet others, but don't want to have to talk a lot. Seems like it's a cross between square dancing and the line dance they did in Pride & Prejudice (the Colin Firth version). They enourage women to wear full skirts for 'twirling.' I have to miss the next one, but both of the April dances are on my 'single' nights. Yay!

And, a sweet friend asked me to go out to eat with her tonight, so I won't be sitting home after all. Yay friends!


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