# 12 year old daughter



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Guys I really need help here with my 12 year old daughter because I am in the proces of losing the 2 people I love the most in the world. 

I now accept OH is gone forever and I'm over her but my daughter who I was very close to doesn't want to know me since D Day and is sticking to her mum like glue.

Just to recap, on Xmas eve I found out my partner of 21 years was cheating we had a major row and daughter heard everything so knows her mum is having an affair - I offered to forgive but OH didn't want to know and said she didn't love me anymore and wanted to sell the house. OH then tried her best to try and get me to move out of the house but it is financially impractical.

Since then OH has given me the silent treatment and is completely ignoring me in the house while we live in separate rooms until its sold.

However the reason for this post is that although my daughter knows her mum is in the wrong she just wants to keep her home and thinks that because I won't move out and continue to pay for everything the house has to be sold, and she is losing her home, so now she is not talking to me either, ignoring me and wont reply to phone calls or texts like her mum. She only communicates with me by text when she wants money or things getting from the supermarket. 

She won't go with me to see her grandma (my mother) who lives a mile away and hasn't seen her in 5 months now, although she goes with OH to see her maternal grandma who lives 5 miles away every week.

If I offer to take her anywhere she won't go. She will only talk to me when she wants something. She is now more clingy with her mum than ever and they are both just spending all their time in the bedroom with the door shut. It make me feel like a beast or something but I'm not.

If I try and make conversation with daughter she just says "shut up, go away". I've told her that her behaviour is unacceptable but to no avail. Generally she has always been very well behaved, loving and polite. It seems since D-day she has also been misbehaving at school which is unlike her.

If I sit next to her on the sofa to watch tv she says go away and I'm squashing her even though there's a foot distance between us. If I offer to take her to McD she says she's not hungry but if OH asks he's off like a shot. I offered to take her to the mall clothes shopping (which she loves) and she just says she's busy with other things, although she went with her uncle the other week who she barely knows.

I feel like I've lost her forever because when the house is sold I will see less of her and she will drift even further away.

What can I do?


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

I am so sorry for what you are going through, it must be hell. I have a feeling that OH is influencing your daughter in a very negative way because your daughter's reaction is not normal.

Since your OH is a cheater, it is safe to say that she puts herself before others, including your daughter. I would guess that OH is bad mouthing you. This puts you in an impossible position. All you can do is maintain your position as a loving and caring father. Do not fall into the trap of bad mouthing your OH. In time, your daughter will see for herself.

Sorry I can't offer any magic instant solution.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried just asking her why since it was you wife that was the one who abandoned the marriage, that you are the one being treated badly?

You also need to read to riot act to your cheating wife since she is clearly behind the attitude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Yes I have asked her why but to no avail. OH and I are simply not speaking but I'm sure she's revellining what's happening and yes I guess she is bad mouthing me.

I haven't said anything bad about OH to daughter though, only change is I now call her "your mum" a opposed to "mum" previously.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Over hearing and being told the truth are not the same thing. My 12 year old daughter was very angry with me for not telling her the truth sooner and that was like a week..
Sit down with her and ask her in a roundabout way what questions you can answer for her. She needs the TRUTH.

I find a car drive very useful for breaking down the barriers since there is no eye contact. 

It is a very important time for Dad and daughter. Try and realize that she is growing up and she needs to be treated in a way that takes into account her feelings of loss and fear. Listen to music she is listening to. Hear the words. This experience will force her to grow up. Be a rock. Stand tall. She needs you right now to be uncompromising and solid. She needs you. Your wife is almost certainly talking crap to her. Stop being beta. NOW.

Her being clingy with mom is perhaps more to do with the fact that she sees this person , her Mother, putting her needs and desires ahead of those of her.

Don't bad mouth her mother but don't sugar coat it either! The natural consequences of an affair are that you nuke your life. It is not your fault your wife chose tihis route. It is not your daughters.
She is HURTING. Break the cycle.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Rumple, there's a document floating around the web called the Children's Bill of Rights in a Divorce. I suggest that you get a copy and see if the STBX will agree to this, if she will, then both of you sign it and give it to your daughter. Remind her that none of this was her fault (because children always think things are their fault), and reassure her that you will always be her father and your will always take care of her and love her.
Is counseling an option?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

OH refuses to talk about anything. Counselling is not an option. Not a word has been spoken between us since end January.

Ing have you not read my post daughter won't go anywhere with me so a car journey won't help


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Um..she`s twelve.

Who is the parent here?

Ask her to get in the car to go to the mall.
When she says no tell her to get in the car or she`s in deep ****.

My daughter wouldn`t disrespect me as you state yours is regardless of our family situation.

You need to look into why she feels this is acceptable just as soon as you show her it`s not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like you are letting both your ex and your daughter call the shots here. You need to put your FOOT DOWN HARD.

YOU are the parent. There is a HUGE PROBLEM here and you need to take matters into your own hands to do something about it. Tell your ex you are making a family counseling appt and you expect her to be there. (this not talking to her is nonsense. You have a KID together. You HAVE to talk sometime) and that you WILL take your daughter to it. If your wife doesn't show, whatever - document it.

In fact, document all her crap. Walk around with a notebook and make notes whenever your daughter pulls these stunts. I would be pissed at your daughter if I were in your shoes. She KNOWS your wife cheated. She has no right to treat you like that.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Tacoma what am I suppossed to do kidnap her? See sense here I cannot force her to do anything - she's 12 not 7. 

Also I have in the back of my mind pushing her further away.

The fact with my daughter is that she is burying her head in the sand and I don't think she will realise the gravity of the situation until we all move out and go our separate ways, but ultimately she wants to be with her mum and that's understandable. I just can't comprehend why she is being mean to me.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Sounds to me like you are letting both your ex and your daughter call the shots here. You need to put your FOOT DOWN HARD.
> 
> YOU are the parent. There is a HUGE PROBLEM here and you need to take matters into your own hands to do something about it. Tell your ex you are making a family counseling appt and you expect her to be there. (this not talking to her is nonsense. You have a KID together. You HAVE to talk sometime) and that you WILL take your daughter to it. If your wife doesn't show, whatever - document it.
> 
> In fact, document all her crap. Walk around with a notebook and make notes whenever your daughter pulls these stunts. I would be pissed at your daughter if I were in your shoes. She KNOWS your wife cheated. She has no right to treat you like that.



I understand what you are saying tacoma but I don't think that is the answer in this particular case. This approach could drive his daughter further away. While both parents are in the same house, discipline only works if both parents are on the same wavelength - that is most certainly not the case here.

rumple needs to be very cautious with his approach.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> Tacoma what am I suppossed to do kidnap her? See sense here I cannot force her to do anything - she's 12 not 7.
> 
> Also I have in the back of my mind pushing her further away.
> 
> The fact with my daughter is that she is burying her head in the sand and I don't think she will realise the gravity of the situation until we all move out and go our separate ways, but ultimately she wants to be with her mum and that's understandable. I just can't comprehend why she is being mean to me.


Have you thought that perhaps all this alone time your wife and daughter have is being used to poison her against you?
It`s pretty damn common.

She`s twelve, yes she`ll be pissed you "forced" her to do something but again..she`s 12 she`ll get over it eventually.

Right now she seems to being brainwashed against you and I think that is a bigger concern than you pissing her off.

She`s your daughter, you`re her father, take her to the mall, mini-golf, whatever she`s into but get her alone so you can mitigate the brainwashing.

I truly can`t imagine ever being disrespected in such a way by my daughter.

Change that dynamic because it didn`t just appear since your marital trouble.
It`s always been there even if hidden under the surface.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OutOfTheBlue said:


> rumple needs to be very cautious with his approach.


So cautious he still has his head in the sand when his daughter is 20 and hating him for destroying her family because that`s what she believes because thats probably what she`s being fed?

Action is needed here.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Action is needed here.


I agree but it needs to be cool, calm and well thought out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This reminds me of the threads about manning up. Usually it's to a guys wife, but in this case maybe it should be applied to the ex and to the daughter.

I honestly cannot fathom my kids treating me like that either. I'm not usually one to be heavy handed, but this is extreme.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I agree out of the blue. Thing is I'm not sure what to do. Everyone I speak to says just give it time, but I feel so frustrated. I am also worried that once the house does sell she won't want to see me at all, in addition to which OH will have OM around by then.

Another thing that bothers me is that OM rings up OH once per week on a wednesday night. He has a really loud voice and I can hear everything he says on the phone and all he ever talks about is our daughter (who he hasn't met yet), what she's been doing and how he's looking forward to meeting her. Makes me feel very uncomfortable like he's a peado or something because I know for certain if I had a new girlfriend, interest in her kids would be the last thing on my mind.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Sorry Tacoma I realise you are trying to help but you are completely wrong here. I agree he is being brainwashed by ex, but all these problems with her have been since D-day.

Last weekend when I told daughter I was going to take her clothes shopping at the mall for the day, get something to eat and watch a movie, OH arranged for one of her friends to stay over all weekend from Saturday morning until Sunday evening. 

This week when she now texts me on my way home from work asking for stuff from the supermarket I have told her no until her behaviour changes and that the was she is acting is making me unhappy, but it doesnt seem to have made any difference. 

Problem is OH has always spoiled her rotten and gets her anything she wants (for example despite her being in severe debt she bought daughter an Abercrombie & Fitch cardigan the other week for £175) whereas I would have simply said no we cant afford it.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

One thing is for certain here rumple, a heavy hand is not the answer. Your daughter is in an age group that can be affected badly by a separation. She's not young enough to be oblivious and not old enough to deal with it in a mature manner. She is reacting to the situation and your OH is adding fuel to the fire.

I think time is required but you also need support from a legal, social and educational point of view. I would contact a lawyer, a social worker and your daughter's school. Let them know what is happening, let them know your fears and let them know that you are concerned about your daughter's welfare.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> orry Tacoma I realise you are trying to help but you are completely wrong here. I agree he is being brainwashed by ex, but all thee problems with her have been since D-day.


Well we can agree to disagree because you`re completely wrong here.

My wife could screw the local fire department forcing me to divorce her while she`s turning my daughter away from me.

Even after all this when I tell my daughter to "get in the truck we`re going for a ride" she`s getting in the truck, most likely without protest.

She`ll do this because she holds deep parental respect for me and who I am.

That`s the thing that went wrong before your D-Day.

Fix it, it's a bigger problem than your wife.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Whats OH can't find it anywhere


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

OH = other half but maybe I should say ex, or stbx


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Um..she`s twelve.
> 
> Who is the parent here?
> 
> ...


You have no clue about alienating tactics one parent uses against the other and how a child of divorce can be lost to a loving doting parent. To top it off you say "my daughter always listens to me and doesn't disrespect me" as if your boasting about your superior parenting skills actually matters to this poor guy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

totamm said:


> You have no clue about alienating tactics one parent uses against the other and how a child of divorce can be lost to a loving doting parent. To top it off you say "my daughter always listens to me and doesn't disrespect me" as if your boasting about your superior parenting skills actually matters to this poor guy.


I`m not boasting about anything, I`m speaking the truth.

And please don`t have the gaul to even think you know what I do or do not have a clue about.
Unreal

You`re off base.


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