# New here, young couple facing problems...



## Powerstroke

Hello everyone. 

First of all, my username is about a vehicle and not sexual 🤣 

I've spent my entire evening looking through threads and searching for my particular situation and can't seem to find anything so I figured I'd make my own. 

I feel my situation resonates with people on here more towards their 50's+... But me and my wife are each 30 years old...

We have been together for 3 years now. We have a 14 month old baby boy. Got married a few months before he was born (Colton, he is the best thing that I have ever been a part of.)

Before I get to into this, I know we haven't been together a huge amount of time but we have both been through a ton in pervious relationships including me being previously married to a cheating spouse and her having cheating exes. 

When we got together things were hot and heavy right off the bat. She couldn't get enough of me and I of her. Everything was perfect and we fell in love quickly and deeply as you can imagine two people that are sick of people in today's "lifestyle" would be. 

Fast-forward through the "honeymoon phase" and into reality with a baby otw. Obviously sex drive is diminished while pregnant and I totally expect that. Our son wasn't exactly planned but he is what we both wanted and we couldn't be happier, especially after having a miscarriage a few months before that heartbroke both of us. 

I have always been one that is very into sex and being intimate. After our son was born, we both could hardly wait until the 6 week appointment to be cleared to have sex again. But since then, it has diminished dramatically. After a few months, she talked to her doctor and was put on postpartum medication to help with her mental state. It seemed to help some with everything but her sex drive. 

I've researched and read everything I can find online for things I can do to help her. I do dishes every night, laundry, take our child off her hands for hours at a time, give her time alone, tell her she's beautiful/sexy and I've sat her down and talked about how I'm not feeling wanted and nothing seems to help so far. So this is just another effort to understand what I can do to help her want me again or what I'm doing wrong. 

Any input is appreciated!


----------



## bobert

Those medications can kill her sex drive. Is she breastfeeding? That can kill sex drive as well. So can a fear of becoming pregnant again, and you've had at least two "unplanned" pregnancies.


----------



## Powerstroke

She is not breastfeeding, only a few months of that and we moved on due to her mental state.

I don't think she's really scared of getting pregnant again as we do want at least one more and she is on a birth control. Non hormonal type. Can't remember that actual term for it but the copper ring that inserted inside of her. 

Her medication was a concern I had about it but I'm not sure which is the lesser of two evils right now..


----------



## bobert

Powerstroke said:


> She is not breastfeeding, only a few months of that and we moved on due to her mental state.
> 
> I don't think she's really scared of getting pregnant again as we do want at least one more and she is on a birth control. Non hormonal type. Can't remember that actual term for it but the copper ring that inserted inside of her.
> 
> Her medication was a concern I had about it but I'm not sure which is the lesser of two evils right now..


Copper IUD, I'm guessing. 

Is she in therapy? Medication isn't a cure and often needs to be paired with therapy.


----------



## Powerstroke

bobert said:


> Copper IUD, I'm guessing.
> 
> Is she in therapy? Medication isn't a cure and often needs to be paired with therapy.


She was for a little while (required for the medication) but she didn't feel like she was getting anywhere with them. Which I don't really disagree with as it seems like the people she's talked to just treat it as another job and didn't put too much effort into it. I feel a good therapist would probably do her some good but 2 problems. I don't know how to find one and I don't know how to tell her that's what might help without hurting her or making her feel bad.


----------



## bobert

Good therapists are hard to find. You have to weed through the crappy ones. 








Finding a GOOD counselor


As I have since I started visiting this site a decade+ ago, I am STILL trying to figure out how to find a counselor/therapist who can actually help me figure out how to improve my life. I live in the deep south/bible belt, and I am an atheist. I will not see a "christian" counselor...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Talking to her:








How to Tell Your Friend or Loved One They Might Need Counselling


If you think that a friend or a loved one might benefit from counselling, there are certain ways that you can bring up the subject without causing them distress.




www.harleytherapy.co.uk


----------



## Diana7

When you talk to her about it, what does she say?


----------



## Powerstroke

Diana7 said:


> When you talk to her about it, what does she say?


That she always has to much going on to think about "wanting me" and she's always so busy that by the time we go to bed she just wants to relax and go to sleep (we're pretty much in bed by 8-8:30 every week night.) This is why I've taken on many of the daily house responsibilities to try to take some weight off of her shoulders but nothing has changed. 

To add a little more to the story, we both work from home currently in a 1000 sq ft house so I know that doesn't help either. But our house is paid off, we have nice vehicles that are paid off and everything so it's not like we're having any money problems or anything like that either. This is really the only thing we argue over and I've tried to just let it go but I can't just be happy with feeling unwanted. I've never had this kind of problem in past relationships either so that just confuses me more.


----------



## bobert

Powerstroke said:


> That she always has to much going on to think about "wanting me" and she's always so busy that by the time we go to bed she just wants to relax and go to sleep (we're pretty much in bed by 8-8:30 every week night.) This is why I've taken on many of the daily house responsibilities to try to take some weight off of her shoulders but nothing has changed.
> 
> To add a little more to the story, we both work from home currently in a 1000 sq ft house so I know that doesn't help either. But our house is paid off, we have nice vehicles that are paid off and everything so it's not like we're having any money problems or anything like that either. This is really the only thing we argue over and I've tried to just let it go but I can't just be happy with feeling unwanted. I've never had this kind of problem in past relationships either so that just confuses me more.


Have you ever really opened up and got vulnerable about how this makes you feel unwanted, affects your self-esteem, etc? 

How much time do you spend alone with her, uninterrupted by phones, TV, crying baby, etc.? All the chores in the world won't make up for that lost connection. You could try marriage counseling. Something like EFT (emotionally focused therapy) may help. 3 Highly Effective EFT Strategies for Couples with Sexual Problems


----------



## Enigma32

I'd stop bringing it up. To her, you nagging her about sex isn't gonna help her become more attractive. I'd also go back to previous levels of housework. You were doing that stuff hoping it would help you get laid and that was a huge failure. Rough it for a while. Watch porn or whatever. Wait and see if/when she ever comes back to you sexually or if she is content just never having sex ever. After a good, long while of this if it comes to it, I would mention it again but I wouldn't be talking about my feelings and crap. Just tell her that it's unacceptable and you're simply not going to deal with it. 

Just to be clear, I am not just tryin to put you on a path to divorce. You are just putting things into her hands for a time and seeing what she does. After enough time has passed, you if she hasn't done SOMETHING to show you that you're still a husband and not just a roommate, then you have a decision to make. Is that the life you want for yourself? Living with a woman that has basically checked out of the relationship?


----------



## In Absentia

Baby, anti-depressants. Libido killers. She has "no room" for you right now. It might get better, it might not. I don't have any advice, apart from exercising a lot of patience for the time being. I've been there. Don't put too much pressure on her. It's a difficult time for her (and for you too, for different reasons). Good luck!


----------



## Sfort

Powerstroke said:


> I've spent my entire evening looking through threads and searching for my particular situation and can't seem to find anything so I figured I'd make my own.


You might want to keep reading. Your story is here hundreds of times, in various forms. Good luck.


----------



## Evinrude58

I agree that antidepressants are libedi killers and that’s what it is—- she has zero libedo.

Sadly, you’ve been married only a short time and she’s already disinterested and on antidepressants. This honestly doesn’t bode well for the future. So here’s my advice:

You made a vow for better or for worse. Hang in there for at least a year. Give her some time to make the effort to get off the antidepressants and regain her libedo.

if nothing changes, then you make a decision. My opinion is that if you are not happy, you’re not going to be a good husband, nor will your marriage be beneficial to anyone.

Be loyal to your wife, tell your wife any plans you’re making. Communicate. Be understanding, but also be straightforward.

I think you’ll get a lot of advice about jumping through hoops for sex. Do this do that, be this, be that. Be loyal and give her some time. If she doesn’t fix this on her own, I’d be out the door.


----------



## married54yrs

I guess my first thought is 'be patient.' Beyond that, I'll share some of my married experience with you. Perhaps it will be somewhat helpful. One thing my wife and I learned early in our marriage is that we viewed sex differently and that we had different sexual expectations. Can you believe that this has ACTUALLY caused some difficulty over the years? (How can anything so wonderful be so difficult at times?)

I really wanted to have sex every day or so, and my wife was perfectly happy with sex every week or so. Further, I was almost always ready to have sex at the slightest suggestion or provocation. She was usually resistant to the idea and needed coaxing, sometimes a lot of coaxing. I just said 'coaxing.' She would say she needed 'romance,' which makes me think of flowers and candle light dinners. But she just wanted and needed everyday romance; the kind that would make her feel valued and important. Without this kind of romance, she just ended up feeling used.

I should have been thinking about something like little love notes stuck to the coffee maker. Instead of really listening to her and thinking 'outside the box,' I blamed her reluctance on a 'low sex drive.' I just wanted her to change; to be somebody she wasn't.

In fairness to my wife, raising kids, maintaining the house, and working consumed a great deal of energy. Further, sex for me was usually quite a bit easier physically. Many times when I wanted sex, I was "just one more person wanting one more thing from her." She had a point, and I couldn't see much of a solution. I never realized that I had failed to meet her need for romance. In fact, I never saw, or perhaps admitted, that I was at fault until very recently. If I had met her needs more fully 40 years ago, I imagine that sex would have been easier for us.

The above is not to say that she didn't enjoy sex. In fact, her enjoyment was frequently more intense and longer lasting than mine. Afterward she would sometimes wonder why she had been so reluctant. After 54 years of marriage, we still view sex differently and have different expectations. We never stop learning about ourselves and each other. Our best to you and wife. I wish I could give you a more immediate solution, but hopefully you both can give it time (right now time is on both your sides) and be patient with each other. Marriage is a LONG haul, but well worth the effort.


----------



## johndoe12299

OP, read this book

https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731


----------



## mariangel00

Enigma32 said:


> I'd stop bringing it up. To her, you nagging her about sex isn't gonna help her become more attractive. I'd also go back to previous levels of housework. You were doing that stuff hoping it would help you get laid and that was a huge failure. Rough it for a while. Watch porn or whatever. Wait and see if/when she ever comes back to you sexually or if she is content just never having sex ever. After a good, long while of this if it comes to it, I would mention it again but I wouldn't be talking about my feelings and crap. Just tell her that it's unacceptable and you're simply not going to deal with it.
> 
> Just to be clear, I am not just tryin to put you on a path to divorce. You are just putting things into her hands for a time and seeing what she does. After enough time has passed, you if she hasn't done SOMETHING to show you that you're still a husband and not just a roommate, then you have a decision to make. Is that the life you want for yourself? Living with a woman that has basically checked out of the relationship?


Watching porn is the last thing he should do but yeah stop nagging her about it probably turns her off.


----------



## mariangel00

married54yrs said:


> I guess my first thought is 'be patient.' Beyond that, I'll share some of my married experience with you. Perhaps it will be somewhat helpful. One thing my wife and I learned early in our marriage is that we viewed sex differently and that we had different sexual expectations. Can you believe that this has ACTUALLY caused some difficulty over the years? (How can anything so wonderful be so difficult at times?)
> 
> I really wanted to have sex every day or so, and my wife was perfectly happy with sex every week or so. Further, I was almost always ready to have sex at the slightest suggestion or provocation. She was usually resistant to the idea and needed coaxing, sometimes a lot of coaxing. I just said 'coaxing.' She would say she needed 'romance,' which makes me think of flowers and candle light dinners. But she just wanted and needed everyday romance; the kind that would make her feel valued and important. Without this kind of romance, she just ended up feeling used.
> 
> I should have been thinking about something like little love notes stuck to the coffee maker. Instead of really listening to her and thinking 'outside the box,' I blamed her reluctance on a 'low sex drive.' I just wanted her to change; to be somebody she wasn't.
> 
> In fairness to my wife, raising kids, maintaining the house, and working consumed a great deal of energy. Further, sex for me was usually quite a bit easier physically. Many times when I wanted sex, I was "just one more person wanting one more thing from her." She had a point, and I couldn't see much of a solution. I never realized that I had failed to meet her need for romance. In fact, I never saw, or perhaps admitted, that I was at fault until very recently. If I had met her needs more fully 40 years ago, I imagine that sex would have been easier for us.
> 
> The above is not to say that she didn't enjoy sex. In fact, her enjoyment was frequently more intense and longer lasting than mine. Afterward she would sometimes wonder why she had been so reluctant. After 54 years of marriage, we still view sex differently and have different expectations. We never stop learning about ourselves and each other. Our best to you and wife. I wish I could give you a more immediate solution, but hopefully you both can give it time (right now time is on both your sides) and be patient with each other. Marriage is a LONG haul, but well worth the effort.


Wow I’m making my husband read this. Thank you for the advice!


----------

