# Wife caught sexting now sex is scarce



## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

Need advice here. My wife of 10 years got caught sexting with my former best friend by his wife. So she came clean to me about everything i think. It never became physical but i think this is worse for me. I feel betrayed by both of my best friends and now have serious trust issues. Dont trust anyone basically. We have since tried to move forward and i love her unconditionally but certain things bring back the anger and resentment. For instance today i tried to send her sexual texts and she ignored them or had one word answers to every text. Its tough to know that she could text him dirty things and wont respond to mine. We do have sex but she is distant. Does this ever get better? Does time heal all wounds?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's showing symptoms of a continued physical relationship with him. You didn't stop anything. You just drove it underground. Your relationship needs a shock to the system. Now, do you think you're up for it? Are you ready to drop the naïveté? 

Oh and I'm curious, what consequences have you offered your physically cheating wife?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You don't know everything yet. 

She has not revealed everything to you and is angry with you for stopping her affair or causing her to take it underground.

Unless she reveals it all, ie writes a time line, becomes completely transparent, and starts to do heavy lifting. You are being treated as Plan B, she will keep you around for the necessary support and will give you duty sex but you are not the primary person in her life.


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

This happened about 6 months ago. She told me everything and then I followed up with the other guy's wife and asked her to tell me everything that she found on the phone. The other guy's wife's story and my wife's stories matched identically. I think it got caught early enough to where it just didn't have time to get physical. It was mainly just a bunch of him asking her for pics, sexual texts,and her being really flirty. She says she never sent any pics. But just her entertaining him and flirting haunts me daily. The betrayal.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So sorry you're going through this but you are flailing badly. i.e.



rickybobby said:


> .... i love her unconditionally...


What? you can love your children unconditionally, but a spouse? I highly doubt it. Because if you actually mean "without any condition" then, she has presented a condition (a disregard for your emotions or feelings) - are you 'okay' with continuing to love a person who doesn't give a dam about you? Think about it. 



rickybobby said:


> ...today i tried to send her sexual texts and she ignored them...


Geeez, talk about looking pathetic in her eyes. UNTIL you BOTH resolve your marital issues - and there's plenty to resolve - this is highly inappropriate IMO. Why? BC she hasn't given him up yet - regardless of what she says or what you think - WATCH HER* A C T I O N S* you need to do some reading.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How can you move on when you don't know the complete story? 

What you need for her to do is come clean on everything and if you feel that she's holding back on anything, then let her know that your taking her for a polygraph and if anything comes back as a negative then she's gone.

Have you and the OM wife talked in depth about this or are you going on what your wife is telling you? Talk to his wife and see if there is anymore that you need to know.

One thing. You better let your wife know the consequences for what she did. If you don't, then expect more of the same in the future.


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

I gave her the opportunity to come clean on everything and if i had to find out later it was over. She agreed and assured me there was nothing else. I also laid down the law about going forward. She no longer hides her phone (she was putting in her back pocket or just constantly holding on to it). She has even let me go through her phone several times spontaneously. I have communicated with the other guy's wife and she told me the same line for line story that my wife gave me. I am positive the OW would have told me if there was more. But she only found what had not been deleted. Which was a lot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> So sorry you're going through this but you are flailing badly. i.e.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I love my wife unconditionally. Do I trust her 100%. Almost. Do I get angry and frustrated with her? Yes.

Why would husband sending her sex texts receive such a response from her? Guilt?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sounds like. The both of you swept this under the rug. What was the consequences of her infidelity? Did she show any true remorse? She should feel rotten about her deeds, but I bet she doesn't. Did she confess because she was about to be outed?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You "Love her Unconditionally" 

Does she say she loves you?

Did she tell you Why ( the great questions that is never answered) she betrayed you?

Does she Own the betrayal or is it because you pushed her to it and if you change it will help heal it?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

rickybobby said:


> I gave her the opportunity to come clean on everything and if i had to find out later it was over. She agreed and assured me there was nothing else. I also laid down the law about going forward. She no longer hides her phone (she was putting in her back pocket or just constantly holding on to it). She has even let me go through her phone several times spontaneously. I have communicated with the other guy's wife and she told me the same line for line story that my wife gave me. I am positive the OW would have told me if there was more. But she only found what had not been deleted. Which was a lot.


Look around for a burner phone.
One guys wife had 2 or 3 phones stashed just don't be surprised that's all.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You may have to file to wake her up sad but that may be the only option.
Threaten a polygraph and see her reaction.


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

rrrbbbttt said:


> You "Love her Unconditionally"
> 
> Does she say she loves you?
> 
> ...


She does tell me she loves me. And i do know why she did it. She was dealing with the death of a loved one and this scumbag started off texting her daily checking on her and talking to her. Trying to just be her friend at first. Then after a while the texts starting getting sexual. My wife says she was vulnerable and it just happened because she was emotionally connected to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

All the reasons given here for your W's distant behavior could be true. It's also possible that she's ashamed. Give her a chance (one chance) to talk about it (come clean) in a safe environment. It looks like you caught her as the A was on the uptake--this was like cutting a raw nerve for her.

Maintain an information exchange with OM's wife, your ally.


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

Philat said:


> All the reasons given here for your W's distant behavior could be true. It's also possible that she's ashamed. Give her a chance (one chance) to talk about it (come clean) in a safe environment. It looks like you caught her as the A was on the uptake--this was like cutting a raw nerve for her.
> 
> Maintain an information exchange with OM's wife, your ally.


I wish i could still talk to the OW. It was like pulling teeth to get her to tell me what she did. Im pretty sure it was because she was embarrassed by the whole ordeal. This is not the first time she had caught him cheating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She may actually have broken it off with your former best friend - maybe even forever. BUT there was a reason she was okay with the idea of stepping out on you. Do you have any reason for this? Are you abusive? An alcoholic? Workaholic? Slob? Put on weight etc. 

If not, then there's another reason - either way she lost respect for you at some point which made it "okay" in her eyes to look elsewhere for entertainment. And that's the crux of the matter as I see it. IMO, it won't be long before she looks elsewhere. 

Has she gone through some sort of life-altering traumatic experience? Such as loss of a parent/sibling/close relative? Has she changed her weight or style in the last year? Something is not right with your marriage and rug-sweeping won't cure it at all.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

rickybobby said:


> I wish i could still talk to the OW. It was like pulling teeth to get her to tell me what she did. Im pretty sure it was because she was embarrassed by the whole ordeal. This is not the first time she had caught him cheating
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does your W know that?

Has she apologised to his W?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

#wondering if his wife has a burner phone.

How much unaccounted time does she have?

Something aint right.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you discuss your failing sex life?

Your wife is no longer attracted to you. The affair was a thrill for her. She felt lust for OM. It was forbidden. That made it even more exciting. Presumably she masturbated with OM or had telephone sex with him, if they did not actaully have intercourse. This association of sexual pleasure with another man has create an obstacle to reconciliation.

You need to work on you yourself to raise your sex ranking. 

Are you overweight? Smoke?

You need to be happy and confident. Your wife has to think you are moving forward without her. She may want to join you. You should also consider the possibility that she has checked out. POSOM may have caught her bored vibe and that is what gave him the balls to make move on your wife.

Does your wife work?


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Does your W know that?
> 
> Has she apologised to his W?


My wife does know all of this and she did apologize to the OW. And my wife was a stay at home mom when this happened so she had too much free time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

rickybobby said:


> My wife does know all of this and she did apologize to the OW. And my wife was a stay at home mom when this happened so she had too much free time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does she think of his many infidelities?

Was that an attraction to her or does she feel used by him?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

rickybobby said:


> Need advice here. My wife of 10 years got caught sexting with my former best friend by his wife. So she came clean to me about everything i think. It never became physical but i think this is worse for me. I feel betrayed by both of my best friends and now have serious trust issues. Dont trust anyone basically. We have since tried to move forward and i love her unconditionally but certain things bring back the anger and resentment. For instance today i tried to send her sexual texts and she ignored them or had one word answers to every text. Its tough to know that she could text him dirty things and wont respond to mine. We do have sex but she is distant. Does this ever get better? Does time heal all wounds?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one should love their spouse unconditionally. Love in a marriage should always be conditional. How would she feel if you started flirting with someone else? Would she care? You need to get through to her that your love/commitment to her is NOT necessarily permanent.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Well, this can be resolved. One way or another.

Questions, the answers to which will help us guide you:

How old is everyone?

How many kids?

What's your wife's claimed sexual history?

When was the last time a woman other than your wife approached you for sex?

When did the sex stop for you?

Did you sext with your wife ever prior to this EA?

You wife now has a job?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> No one should love their spouse unconditionally. Love in a marriage should always be conditional. How would she feel if you started flirting with someone else? Would she care? You need to get through to her that your love/commitment to her is NOT necessarily permanent.


I have to agree with this.... in fact I cringe every time I see someone write that they love their spouse unconditionally.

On another note your supposed best friend is a bit of the scalawag... His wife caught him cheating before and he came on to his best friends wife (your wife)

You want to know something? You need a little of what he has got. A little swagger...

That is what your wife is attracted to - if you had a little of that she would be responding to you sexting. But I think you sexted to "get her approval". You should be sexting to turn her on - or sexting because you just can't contain yourself.

It's not easy to get that swagger - especially when you are recovering from this EA. But that is what you need. You might try reading Married Man Sex Life. That might help.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

rickybobby said:


> She does tell me she loves me. And i do know why she did it. She was dealing with the death of a loved one and this scumbag started off texting her daily checking on her and talking to her. Trying to just be her friend at first. Then after a while the texts starting getting sexual. My wife says she was vulnerable and it just happened because she was emotionally connected to him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is it with a person losing someone that makes them want to abuse those around them, or think they can use it as an excuse. Sorry, I'm calling bu**sh*t on that. Forget about blaming the OM and place 100% of the blame where it belongs. On her. Have you ever cheated on her?


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Well, this can be resolved. One way or another.
> 
> Questions, the answers to which will help us guide you:
> 
> ...


Me-36. Wife-34. Four kids ages 16-8. Wife has been with only 5 sexual partners including me. Women don't approach me for sex but i am medium buiild not overweight dont consider myself a hideously ugly cyclops or anything. Have occasional sex but not like before. Sext with wife a lot even b4 this happened. Yes she works now. Thanks for all of the help so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Other man's wife's story matches your wife's story because your wife and OM got their stories straight. She only knows what she was told. Electronic evidence was deleted.

How far away does your best friend live? Hopefully at least a few hours. Cuz if he is close by, I doubt they were sexting without PA.

Could have been nothing, maybe you caught it early and nipped it before it was physical. Check all email: phone/ Facebook etc. VAR in the car. Check high and low for a burner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

rickybobby said:


> She does tell me she loves me. And i do know why she did it. She was dealing with the death of a loved one and this scumbag started off texting her daily checking on her and talking to her. Trying to just be her friend at first. Then after a while the texts starting getting sexual. My wife says she was vulnerable and it just happened because she was emotionally connected to him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 What I don't understand is how dealing with the death of a love one and sending pictures of herself naked helps with the loss of a loved one?

I know your hurting and you love your wife and she's having a hard time talking to you about this but IMO, dealing with a loss of a loved one and sexting doesn't jive. 

It's one thing to talk to someone about it but to do what she did, nah, I don't think so. 

If your not getting the answers that you need and deserve to know then you have to start playing hardball with her because this ain't a game you can win if you let her slide.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

6301 said:


> *What I don't understand is how dealing with the death of a love one and sending pictures of herself naked helps with the loss of a loved one?*
> 
> I know your hurting and you love your wife and she's having a hard time talking to you about this but IMO, dealing with a loss of a loved one and sexting doesn't jive.
> 
> ...


It doesn't. But the caring, sharing texts become a little hotter, then a little hotter then a little hotter until the water is so hot poor little Frog is all boiled up.

It took him ages to reel her in.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Ricky,
> 
> I'l ask you again. What do think about your idea of fixing things in your M by letting other men share your wife now? Do you think you should have thought of something else or that was still a good idea if your rules were followed? Not to embarrass you. Just to see where you thought process is with this. Did you try anything else?


AW...did I miss something here? Open marriage?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Wife caught sexting now sex is scarce*



Tobyboy said:


> AW...did I miss something here? Open marriage?


He deleted that post. 


I won't ask him again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

rickybobby said:


> Me-36. Wife-34. Four kids ages 16-8.


Your wife's libido is at its peak. Mother nature wants her to reproduce a couple more times before she goes out of action.



rickybobby said:


> Wife has been with only 5 sexual partners including me.


Only five, huh? Whatever the number given, multiply by a factor of 3 and we're in the ballpark. Most women have a hard time with addition when it comes to sex partners.



rickybobby said:


> Women don't approach me for sex but i am medium buiild not overweight dont consider myself a hideously ugly cyclops or anything.


If you aren't sexually attractive to women (if you were they would be attracted to you and coming on to you) you need to get to work and make yourself sexually attractive. This means you need a V torso, measure your waist between the bottom of your rib cage and the top of your obliques and multiply by 1.62 for the shoulder measurement; a 32" waist means you need at least 52" around the shoulders measured at widest part of the deltoids. You want to get your body fat down to about 9%, so you have a visible six pack. Get that V torso and your world will change.










Do you know how to go about getting that shape?

Also, you need to start dressing a lot sharper. Bathe twice a day. Change your haircut. Change your facial hair. You need to demonstrate higher value than you have before. Start trying to look like a 27 year old guy who makes 3X what you make and has women hanging off of him at clubs. 

What kind of wheels do you have?

What are your manly hobbies?



rickybobby said:


> Have occasional sex but not like before. Sext with wife a lot even b4 this happened. Yes she works now. Thanks for all of the help so far.


As numerous people have pointed out, your wife is not sexually attracted to you. If it's true that you suggested swinging at some time in the past, that give you a mighty big hit in your wife's eyes. When you offer to share your wife, you are assigning yourself a rank as a subservient, low value male; a gamma. Women don't want gammas, although they may settle for one. You need to start upping your rank.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

LOL Mach what happened to 1.4x?
next week 1.84x?
then 2.06x?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When my wife's mother died in 2011 she started an EA, and then it went PA. She had a very sexual EA in 2010 with someone else. My wife called me her "rock" when her father died years earlier. When her mother died my wife was very distant. I had a very compassionate boss who told me I could take any time I needed to be with my wife. I would call her from work and on the days she was upset, I would tell her I will come home. My wife always told me not to come home that she will be all right.

After discovering her PA in Nov. 2011, one of my wife's reasons for having the PA was that I was not there for her when her mother died, WTH! I was. But she pushed me away because she had someone else she was running to for support. I confronted her about this and called her out on it and said this is just plain bull sheet. I said I was there every day, offering to come home and I told her all she did was push me away because she had a new lover.

I do believe the death of her mother opened her up to this guy's advances, but my wife was a pro at this stuff by this time and believe me, my wife was the pursuer.

I want to address this though. When women have an EA, statistically many woman want to consumate their emotional feeling with the physical act of sex. You can look this up online. As you state this is a guy you both knew. Your wife's texts were very explicit, sexually. The chances of this going physical in this circumstance is very high.


The fact that your wife does not respond to your sexual texts is not uncommon. Many WS will do for the affair partner what they typically don't do for their spouse. We hear stories of this quite often. At first I wanted my wife to do things that she did with the XOM (at least in my mind). There will be various opinions here on TAM about this and I am one voice. But I suspect that shame, guilt, and some other factors play into her refusing to go there with you. I understand that this has you amped up (I have been there), but I would back off on this, as it seems it is having the opposite effect.

As far as the infrequent sex, this is something you need to address with your wife directly. You are amped up and I can go into the psychology of this (but won't), but your wife needs to understand your perspective and be willing to learn about your needs during this time.

My last d-day was Feb. 2013. My wife finally repented and came clean in late April 2013. Then she got severely ill in July and has been getting progressively worse. There were things I was hoping for sexually that just won't happen. All I get are occasional quickies. 

I have a reason for infrequent sex, I have an ill wife, with a seriuos medical condition.

You don't, and part of R, should be a firm but clear talk on your expectations, needs and desires. Your wife is a partner in this, but the place to start is talking about it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wife's actions do not seem to match up except that she is either involve with om again or has a new found love possibly from her job that you don't know about. 

She has no issue sharing her main phone because she knows it is clean. 

That some texts were deleted is telling. Why delete some but not all. 

You were trickle truthed. The two cheaters had their stories arranged that is why the stories match. 

Ask her to take a polygraph and judge her reaction. Be prepared to follow thru and be prepared for a parking lot confession 

There is more than you know so far. When you have all the information then things will make sense. Some one on tam says that better than me but I have found it to be true. 

Try dropping a var in her car. 

Good luck. 
WD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ricky. If anchorwatch is right and you let other men treat your wife like a meat hole, then you got more serious problems than your wife sexting. 
I agree with Mach. Work on yourself and take it slow in the sexual arena. You need to rebuild a lot of trust and respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Ricky. If anchorwatch is right and you let other men treat your wife like a meat hole, then you got more serious problems than your wife sexting.
> I agree with Mach. Work on yourself and take it slow in the sexual arena. You need to rebuild a lot of trust and respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Conan,

I don't like being in this position. He took down that post, and for that reason, I'd rather not continue the subject. To set this part of the story straight, He said he only discussed doing that with her. He did not open the M.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why don't you ask her why she is so disinterested in marriage ? Ask her point blank about the sexts you sent.

If she is continuing the affair through other means, you need to find it.
She could be using a chat app(the messages don't show up in regular inbox). She could be using a home PC or a social media account. Make sure the affair is actually dead and is not continuing when you are not in the house.(there could be other guys too)


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