# Is it really my fault he's so angry?



## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

Some of you might know a little history but should be able to offer advice either way. If my husband get extra special sex when he wants he's mean to entire family (me & our daughter mostly.) I'm happy with sex 2-3x a week but will give him more because I understand his drive is higher. He tells me he is happy with our marriage and this is just something he likes. If that's true then why be so mean if I don't feel like all the hoop-lah? Why be grumpy and make everybody nervous if it's just something you like? For a long time I tried to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted in an effort to keep the peace. I'm not sure why but I'm not willing to do that now. I want to be able to enjoy what we share sexually not do it because if I don't we'll fight. So maybe it is my fault because I always did what he wanted before and now I don't feel like it as often. Here's what keeps pounding in my head "if you'd just do what i ask we wouldn't have to fight"


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

hbgirl said:


> Some of you might know a little history but should be able to offer advice either way. If my husband get extra special sex when he wants he's mean to entire family (me & our daughter mostly.) I'm happy with sex 2-3x a week but will give him more because I understand his drive is higher. He tells me he is happy with our marriage and this is just something he likes. If that's true then why be so mean if I don't feel like all the hoop-lah? Why be grumpy and make everybody nervous if it's just something you like? For a long time I tried to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted in an effort to keep the peace. I'm not sure why but I'm not willing to do that now. I want to be able to enjoy what we share sexually not do it because if I don't we'll fight. So maybe it is my fault because I always did what he wanted before and now I don't feel like it as often. Here's what keeps pounding in my head "if you'd just do what i ask we wouldn't have to fight"


Different guys have different sex drives, and also different levels of sexual frustration that they can stand. He gets "angry" when you reject him for sex because (in his mind) not only is it "something he likes" but its something he needs but doesn't feel comfortable saying in those terms because then he risks being judged by you. You don't understand just how profound male sexual frustration can be, any more than a man can really understand menstrual-related hormone fluctuations in a woman. We just know when things get rough, give you chocolate and that usually sorts it out for a few days. 

My advice? When things get rough, drag him into the bathroom and give him a quickie handjob. It will take 15 minutes, a squirt of lotion, and he'll be much easier to deal with for 1-2 days.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

Did you see the part about sex at least 3x a week and more things when I'm not up to it? Besides he'd never be happy with that either.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

No, it is not your fault that he is angry. Why?

Because each person is responsible for their own emotions, actions, and reactions.

Let me repeat that.

EACH PERSON is RESPONSIBLE for their OWN emotions, actions, and reactions.

If he's sexually frustrated, then he needs to learn how to handle that appropriately - getting angry, frustrated, and making everybody walk on eggshells because of that - is just ... well, wrong and somewhat emotionally abusive.

And you need to learn to stand up for yourself in requesting to be treated respectfully. There's no acceptable reason why your spouse should not treat you with respect, and the first place it starts is to respect yourself.

So, I'll repeat it again, and then you keep repeating it, okay?

EACH PERSON is RESPONSIBLE for their OWN emotions, actions, and reactions.

God Bless.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

Well I'm standing up for myself and haven't give in but it's getting very hard. Harder than it already was to start with. My kids don't know exactly what's going on but my husband's convinced one of them it's all my fault. He's telling me I don't care about him, I've lost all interest in him, that I'm in control of everything, that I'm all about me, it's either MY way or no way, that there must be "something" secret that's happening to that, must be something important somewhere else, etc. etc.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

It sounds like your husband is using a form of blackmail - give me what I want, when i want, or I will treat you and the family like hell. That sounds really unhealthy. You may have to adopt the "its either my way or the highway" mentality to counter this issue. But the kicker is you have to say it, mean it, and follow through with it. Even the playing field.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I went back through your old posts.

Has your husband always treated you this way?

There is no justifiable, reasonable excuse for him to treat you and your family in the poor manner that he does. (Do you still have the poor puppy?)

Can I ask - what is it that you love about your husband? What makes you stay?

The thing is - the only person that you can change is YOURSELF. If you could inspire changes within yourself, what kind of changes would they be?

"_A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn_." ~Author Unknown

Can you make that turn?

God Bless.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

IanIronwood said:


> You don't understand just how profound male sexual frustration can be, any more than a man can really understand menstrual-related hormone fluctuations in a woman. We just know when things get rough, give you chocolate and that usually sorts it out for a few days.
> 
> My advice? When things get rough, drag him into the bathroom and give him a quickie handjob. It will take 15 minutes, a squirt of lotion, and he'll be much easier to deal with for 1-2 days.


So when a 2 year old throws a tantrum, just give him/her what they want? Really? 

To the OP, Enchantment nailed it. Good luck.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Cherry said:


> So when a 2 year old throws a tantrum, just give him/her what they want? Really?
> 
> To the OP, Enchantment nailed it. Good luck.


She might not be responsible for his feelings of anger . . . but she doesn't seem particularly willing to work with him about them either. And somehow I think we're seeing half the story but not the whole.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> She might not be responsible for his feelings of anger . . . but she doesn't seem particularly willing to work with him about them either. And somehow I think we're seeing half the story but not the whole.


Go back and read through her old threads. You'll get a much clearer picture of what has been going on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"If you just did what I wanted, we wouldn't have to fight."

LOL Is he 2? What a thing to say! What about what you want? He doesn't seem so concerned.


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