# Can't get my husband stimulated?



## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

My husband and I average “making love” 2 to 3 times a week. I wouldn’t mind making love more often but my husband doesn’t want to. I used to initiate making love more often but it always turns out awkward. Either he turns me down, or we make love and it was just going through the motions/emotionless, or he can’t get stimulated/hard. When he is in the mood and initiates making love it is great!! 

It is so hard for me not to take this personally when I feel rejected or worst of all when you doesn’t become aroused with all my efforts. I already struggle with self esteem and feeling attractive/sexy enough for my husband, even though he reassures me that I am beautiful and that he loves my body (what else is he supposed to say). I know that it is probably really embarrassing for him to not be able to perform but he is really good about blowing stuff off and saying, oh well. I don’t give him a hard time and try and act like it doesn’t bother me. After this happens, I usually go to sleep with horrible thoughts on how embarrassed I feel that I am not attractive enough and I don’t excite my husband enough for him to be able to perform. Maybe my expectations are too high (I am known for that). 

Has anyone else run into this situation? How do you handle it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You've got to stop thinking his ED is your fault because it isn't at all.

The fact that you can have frequent sex is evidence of this.

ED happens as men get older, hell it happens to young men it has nothing to do with your sex appeal.

You should get him to a urologist and have his testosterone levels checked.

Rule out the physical before looking at the mental possibilities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You have a most pragmatic screen name. For myself, that can only happen to me if I have been relying on too much self gratification. My marriage is way out of balance that way so this has at time seemed like the only solution. I have found that if I abstain completely, a real woman seems far more worth pursuing than the easy love I could find other places. It has taken some trial and error to get to this understanding.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How old is he? Does he have any medical conditions or family history of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, low testosterone? He should definitely talk to his doc to rule out important medical problems aside from ED.

I can tell you that having difficulty is a real ego crush. Also, it takes a lot of physical and mental effort when the performance sags, and it makes sex a lot less fun because it is so much work.

It has nothing to do with you. It is chemical. The chemicals just are not there which allow for the blood flow in the right places.

If his doc puts him on an ED drug, tell him I said it will make both of you very happy! It takes away all that background effort, which leaves room for so much more pleasure. It's like being 20 yrs old again, except now there is much more stamina too.

Staxyn is my drug of choice. It is a tongue dissolving version of Levitra, and thus it goes straight to the blood stream. Other drugs are swallowed and then have to be absorbed in the stomach. So those drugs take 30 minutes minimum, typically about an hour to work. Staxyn works for me in 12 minutes (I timed it once). That is quick enough that if he has problems after you start getting frisky he can take one (or half of one) and you can keep going without interruption.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Cre8ify said:


> You have a most pragmatic screen name.


Thanks! My marriage will always be in progress 

Thanks for your comment!


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Thor -
My husband is 36. He does have a family history of heart disease. His father had his first heart attack in his 30's but was overweight and my husband is very active and in shape.

Thanks for your comment!

The next day after it happened, I asked him if he thought he knew why it happened again and he said that he had a busy day at work. I didn't force him to make love that night, but I did let him know that I was interested and he said he was too. Maybe I have watched to many movies were the man can stop anything he is doing and be happy to make love to his wife : )


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

2 to 3 times a week? Cripes, come talk to us when it is 2-3 times a month or less!! 

All kidding aside, try to be supportive. If he is having "issues" it can be just as devastating to the male ego as your are having feeling unatractive/unsexy/whatever.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

What's the atmosphere like when he turns you down? Is it at the end of a long day at work? The middle of a football game? After a big meal?

And how many times per day do you proposition him? I'm asking because this sounds like a situation where you could "prime the pump." If you send him flirty or sexy texts or emails throughout the day, he may be raring to go by the time he walks in the door in the evening. And you have the added benefit of him thinking he initiated it!


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## Humongulous (Jan 28, 2012)

marriageinprogress said:


> Thor -
> My husband is 36. He does have a family history of heart disease. His father had his first heart attack in his 30's but was overweight and my husband is very active and in shape.
> 
> Thanks for your comment!
> ...


No man in his 30s should have ED. Does he use porn? Porn can cause ED. Make sure he isn't over stimulating himself:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Other things to consider... ED can be one of the warning signs of heart disease. So a full medical sure wouldn't hurt.

How often does it happen?

And something like this can become a downhill spiral... A lack of confidence in his ability to perform leads to inability to perform and so on... It might be worthwhile to try to nip things in the bud with some medical assistance.

You could also try watching porn together first, to "prime the pump" as someone else put it. Or else put on a show of your own first, if your comfortable with that.

C


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah the family history of heart attacks near his age is a big medical red flag. He should be talking to a good doc and getting whatever screening and testing is smart. There is a possibility that he has a medical condition, and the ED is just a symptom.

Hopefully he gets a clean bill of health and then you can work on the ED.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Yep I am an odd bird here on TAM.....2-3X's/wk in your 30's and you're complaining????? 

Really you people are way oversexed to consider that a problem in a LTR......

And from a woman??????

Take care of yourself if you must.


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## Covertx (Feb 3, 2012)

If he can't perform, that doesn't mean that he can't help pleasure you. Maybe next time he is unable to gain an erection, you begin to masterbait in front of him. Ask him to help you by messaging you, oral on you, or anything else to have him involved. This might help relieve some mental anxiety he might be having if he knows that not gaining an erection isn't going to lead to you being disappinted, you being insecure, and his own possible feelings of inadiquacy. Plus you go to bed satisfied!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I've read through, and I'm just answering by trying to put myself in this situation. Do not discount what people are saying about the medical check up.

I think a fear that he couldn't perform would make a man very likely to want to refuse sex. I think it would be hugely embarassing to have your partner ready and raring to go, then find you couldn't satisfy her for any reason. Even if there was a chance you could, the chance at the embarassment of not might make it difficult to even try. Someone mentioned the vicious cycle in this.

If it was me in this position, and if this was really what it was, then I think backing off the pressure might get me past some of the embarassment. It would probably be very difficult to get me to admit the embarassment, but maybe some alternatives could get me past it.

Someone suggested masturbating for him, and if you are up for this, then don't discount the possibility, but if you are dealing with anxiety on his part, maybe don't make it quite so obvious. Maybe you can talk to him and tell him that you are in need, and ask him if he can help you. Tell him, he doesn't have to have intercourse with you, but you really need his help to relieve the pressure. Ask him to do what he would be comfortable doing whether that is fondling your breasts while you masturbate, or possibly going so far as him stimulating you with his hand or with a toy if you use toys. If he is anxious about everything else, then maybe ask him to watch you masturbate at least. At least this way, you have some participation from him.

You're going to have to be very secure and strong if you make these kinds of requests, and you may have to be willing to go ahead and masturbate by yourself. If it is just anxiety, then it may be that in the process, he begins to get aroused enough that he feels confident in joining you and satisfying you. (you know, maybe he just needs more foreplay  ). If he is willing to participate at all, though, that may give you some reassurance that he still finds you attractive even if he is having some performance problems. Of course, I recognize you are taking a chance when you ask or initiate this way because he still has an opportunity to say no. I'm just thinking if I was having a problem, and my wife asked me for this, it would be very difficult for me to leave her in need even if I was anxious over my own performance ... maybe he will be the same way. 

If he cannot get aroused at all, though, he may still be embarassed, and it may actually take a lot of reassurance from you to get him past that, or to get him to openly discuss it with you. And if it is something like him just being tired, then the discussions where you tell him you are in need and need some help may bring that out. It may be that just seeing how much in need you are will get him to open up a bit.

So my thoughts: try taking the pressure off of him while satisfying yourself. If it is anxiety on his part, then maybe that will help him get past that. If it is another problem, then maybe the open and honest discussion which leads him to see your true need will get him to open up and discuss that with you so you don't feel rejected if that's not his intent.

But don't forget the possibility of medical issues ...


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

He's performing 2 to 3 tims a week. Hellooooo.... There's nothing wrong here. All is well... No need for a doc, no need for meds. There's nothing wrong with his performance.. It's fine.


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