# Wife Loves Me But Isn't Sexually Attracted To Me



## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

Okay..My wife and I separated in June of 2011 until September og this year(2012). We Had a rocky year before we separated, but never had intimacy problems, never had attraction issues with either of each other...She lost 80 pounds or more when we split, and was dating a guy for the whole time..she left him to come back, and is very close to me..very affectionate, happy, and things are alot different this time around. Before we split I was weighin in at over 320 pounds, but was in great shape for 4 years of our relationship..now Im down around 250 and am still losing but she just recently told me and I'm going to quote her.."I love you so much and I don't want to lose you..I love being with you, kissing you, cuddling you, and i think about you all the time. you're so adorable and comfortable and cut, but you're like my teddy bear and I don't feel the sexual attraction." She is not even sure why and is also upset about it, but it took me a few days for it to settle in. We had never had an issue with this..EVER..
she says if i lose some weight it would help..I absolutely agree and AM doing that, but there's a part of me thats like..soooooo I have to be chiseled and skinny for you to have sexual feelings for me? and moreso because it was never an issue before we separated..trust me on that i know thats true..I'm not like morbidly obese..im kinda tall...anyways. Since we got back together though our roles have somewhat changed..it used to be me that was unaffectionate and liked to be alone and was ****y and selfish and wouldn't cuddle her or be very supportive..and she was up my butt all the time..meeting me at the door when id get off work.
Always wanting to be around me..and now its somewhat the opposite..We do communicate everyday and are very much open about what we talk about..nothing held back..not rude or mean, just honest and open..This has helped alot, by the way.
While I'm workin on losing the weight I dont know what things we can do to try and rekindle that fire. Neither of us want to call it quits AT ALL. and we have both been trying to come up with things we could do to maybe spark that flame again..

lastly, we dont live together and we have a 3 year old son who lives with me...any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. I know some will say we need to quit, but I don't quit and we are both equally concerned and WANT to try and get through it


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Well don't move in together until this is sorted out. 
No man wants to be a woman's 'teddy bear', that is not fair to you.


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

We are not even considering that until we are at a comfort level with our relationship that it would do justice..She's falling hard as am I, but I'm not letting go of reality, unless were both sure we are ready..I was told doing new things, different things together could help, but Im not sure what and while she says shes fine with doing the "do". I really dont want to if shes not into it. And were kind of stuck on what we should do to get through it


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK this may hurt a bit but worth looking into.....

She loves you but isn't in love with you.....
She dated a guy for the 15 months you were apart
You don't live together right now
Your son lives with you

If I were you, I'd look into the possibility she has a few other "irons" in her fire. She may feel all content and happy with you but she may be seeking her "thrills" elswhere. Does she get any financial support from you right now? Do you have access to her cell ohone bill? Do you pay for the phone or anything else like car insurance or payments of any type? If so, you may just be her ATM


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

she pays me child support..i dont pay her anything for anything.I take her out. I buy our kids clothes, food, daycare, and on and on and on. AND as far as seeing someone for her THRILLS..I cannot reveal HOW I know..but I am literally 100% sure she isn't gettin taken care of by anyone else..She's the world's worst liar..she is incredibly predictable, and I know how she operates..it's weird..i dont say it to sound weird or ****y..I just KNOW her inside and out and always have..She knows this too and is completely forward with me..I knew about the things that tore apart our relationship long before she had told me..and when we actually had the conversation about how much I really knew..it was the best thing I ever did..It wasnt to gloat or make her feel bad..i just wanted her to know she sucks at hiding things and shes not clever..She actually got closer to me than shes ever been after we had our REAL heart to heart about the past


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

BlndSde901 said:


> Since we got back together though our roles have somewhat changed..it used to be me that was unaffectionate and liked to be alone and was ****y and selfish and wouldn't cuddle her or be very supportive..


Go back to being that way...



> and she was up my butt all the time..meeting me at the door when id get off work.


And she will go back to being that way.


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

while i somewhat agree..its weird..I dont wanna be unaffectionate..I had anger problems before and depression issues..as does she...Ive learned to cope with my problems and I really FEEL not only what things caused the relationship to go sour the first time but how self centered I was..Since Ive been being more supportive and affectionate and stuff Ive felt better...while I also realize that it might be the fact that I dont pose any threat or give her a challenge..I dont know


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe she wants you to be her gay BFF and roommate. But apparently, not your lover. To me, that would be an unacceptable compromise in a marriage. 

What's she done to work through her issues that caused her to want to run off with someone else for a year? I don't know your background, so forgive me if that's an unfair summary. What have you two done as a couple to resolve the issues you had?

C


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You are 250 pounds at what height?


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

we were together for 5 years married for 3 of them..We lived together..we raised a child..her son, my stepson..I was very close with her mother(her only family). Our issues didnt begin until i took her away from her mother to South Carolina from New York..She hated living there, but her mother was all she had and unfortunately her mother was dying and she had just had our first child together..We needed money for our kids..new vehicles, new jobs and a better opportunity for a better life..We agreed to the move but she resented me for it, but out of the move she got her GED went to college, got an awesome Job from that and became successfull..ish..She was given the opportunity to succeed..I as well, gained better employment..already had a degree..3 of them actually. and we were doing better..when we moved into our first home is when it all went down hill..we didnt see each other...started resenting each other more..started losing trust and being suspicious of one another and then she did some things and it went so far south that ANTARCTICA would look like hawaii, if you get the metaphor...it was a terrible split of EPIC proportions...fast forward 9 months and we started talking again..literally we didnt speak for 9 months..but when we did it was like everything we did and didnt do came to light and we both were immediately changing the things that made everything go bad and problems that were existent prior to everything. Here's what I know..The past is over..we've had some revelations with each other and have talked about in detail why it happened what happened and we were able to reestablish a connection..so after a few months of talking..she upo and left her boyfriend and came to me and was like i wanna be with you and only you and i wanna fix us..i love you and so on. I was more than surprised so I "investigated" before i gave an answer. i did though and we had set forth things that we both had to fix or change for it to work and for it to happen..stipulations..only after those stipulations were met and we could learn to compromise and be open and honest would I be good to go..low and behold it actually happened..the things we talked about had been put into action and were taken care of...the biggest thing is we dont argue..no matter how messed up it is we talk about it with no judgement..we talk about why and we talk about how to fix whatever issue is at hand..it has been an eyeopener for both of us..as far as this goes..we had sex once a couple weeks ago, but like halfway through I just caught this feeling like it was awkward and she wasnt into it like she used to be..and then last monday she told me what was up and that she didnt like that she was feeling that way or not feeling rather...and that she wants to fix it..she says she feels normal..like an old married couple..she feels like the separation never happened and were just back to the same old routines..this is partly true, but I do try to do things different..be more active with her, but shes not really like active like me..i like playin football in the yard and walking and stuff and doing active productive things..she does too..just not like I do..which is weird cause I weigh 110 pounds more than her


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

im 6 foot 1 inches


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Not be a Debbie downer but on many scales 6'1 and 250 is morbidly obese.

I bet if you start getting down to healthy weight she will respond positively


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

That's how tall my husband is. Right now I think he weighs perhaps 188 pounds. He looks great, but he thinks he looks even better at around 175-180 pounds. I don't think I've ever seen him go over 200 pounds and I can't imagine him at 250 pounds. I would still love him at 250 pounds, but my sexual attraction would be definitely affected.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

BlndSde901 said:


> while i somewhat agree..its weird..I dont wanna be unaffectionate..I had anger problems before and depression issues..as does she...Ive learned to cope with my problems and I really FEEL not only what things caused the relationship to go sour the first time but how self centered I was..Since Ive been being more supportive and affectionate and stuff Ive felt better...while I also realize that it might be the fact that I dont pose any threat or give her a challenge..I dont know


Some women need to test your boundaries and see that you can/will defend them in order to feel attraction. It sounds like the new affectionate you is being received in the wrong way, like a teddy bear? 

Try being sexual rather than affectionate. If she doesn't respond to you sexually then you shouldn't be in a sexual relationship (marriage) together.

Your other option of course is to find a woman that needs and wants the affection that the "new you" can provide. But it sounds pretty clear to me that your current wife was attracted to the p!ssy aloof bad boy routine, not the affectionate teddy bear routine.


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

well see while we were apart i tried to do that..to find someone who I could be like that with..granted it wasnt a real long time..Nobody could surpass my wife..not even compare..its hard to explain WHY I feel the way I do about my wife..Im extremely stubborn and hard headed..Im well aware..I dont believe in "improbability" or "impossible"...theyre not in my personal dictionary. Sounds childish or immature but its the FEELING I believe in and Id pretty much do anything to defend it


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

Im sorry east2west....I meant to say in that last reply that I haven't had the desire to be the person I am now with anyone else..In fact, before we got back together..I was kind of a D*&K while I was dating...not a total jerk, just shallow and like the old person I was..I wasn't feeling any reason to be better with anyone else..like it didnt matter to me. My wife is the only one who's ever been able to bring that part of me out.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I agree with what others have posted about your weight. You made a comment about her wanting you to be "chisled" to want you? Listen...at 250 pounds you are WAY over weight. I am taller than you and weigh 30 pounds less.....and I have a belly. I am not attracted to fat.....your wife may not be either.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I know this isn't the issue but did you say hr son (your stepson) is 3 and lives with you? She left her own child ????


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

she doesnt want me chiseled, i shouldnt have said that..and no....our son lives with me..my stepson lives with his father now in new york......and that happened due to financial problems when we split, as far as my stepson goes..hes 8..our son is 3....as far as weight loss. goes..Ive been steadily losing weight...I agree with that part to an EXTENT...but Ive always had a belly, and she didnt have an issue with it before..my problem with it is..she lost all this weight and its developed like a complex or something


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Do you know what the man she was seeing while you were seperated looked like? It's quite possible your body never bothered her before but now that she was with a man who didn't have a belly or whatever now it does. That exact thing happened to me. I don't want to sound negative but I don't know if there is any going back. Have you asked her why it bothers her now and before it didn't? It also can have to do with the fact that before she was heavy and now she isn't so her tastes/preferences have changed. It isn't right but it is what it is.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

BlndSde901 said:


> Im sorry east2west....I meant to say in that last reply that I haven't had the desire to be the person I am now with anyone else..In fact, before we got back together..I was kind of a D*&K while I was dating...not a total jerk, just shallow and like the old person I was..I wasn't feeling any reason to be better with anyone else..like it didnt matter to me. My wife is the only one who's ever been able to bring that part of me out.


You sound a little bit like me in that your problem is learning how to stay on the road. What I mean by that is that your relationship is kind of like driving a car. If you drive too far to the left you become a mean a$$hole that hates himself and if you drive too far to the right you become an unattractive doormat teddy bear. Driving off either side of the road is equally bad. Currently you are driving off to the right and you are afraid that if you turn to the left you will end up driving off the road on the other side.

Or to put it another way. You need to firmly protect your boundaries and not allow her to put you in the friend zone where you are now. But you have to learn to do that without being a hateful pr!ck about it. Keep the moral and emotional high ground, but protect what is yours and your vision for the future.


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's comments and I want to thank you all for sharing. I broke it off yesterday after realizing the issue was being caused by other problems, not infidelity or anything. Just Stuff. I hate it and it's really hard, but I love her and she just needs to be happy and I'm certain that she can't achieve that with me. She doubts she can find it with anyone else, but I'm standing in the way and she needs to be able to find someone who can give her everything she deserves. Thank you again. I hope you all are able to remain happy in your relationships and get through your issues together, as a team.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Are you two about split is what you are saying? You make it sound like you are going to remove yourself from the union completely.


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## BlndSde901 (Dec 3, 2012)

It's over, unfortunately. In my state, we must be separated for a year before divorce proceedings can take place. So, that process will start all over again. But, Yes. I ended it. Not cause I couldn't accept anything, but I'm just holding her back and not making her as happy as I once did. It hurts, but It is what it is. I need to let her move on and find someone who can give her the happiness she deserves and treat her the right way. It's not me and unfortunately I can't stop loving her, but it's not about me and I needed to do it for everyone's sake. My son will stay with me. I will focus on taking care of us.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

BlndSde901 said:


> Okay..My wife and I separated in June of 2011 until September og this year(2012). We Had a rocky year before we separated, but never had intimacy problems, never had attraction issues with either of each other...She lost 80 pounds or more when we split, and was dating a guy for the whole time..she left him to come back, and is very close to me..very affectionate, happy, and things are alot different this time around. Before we split I was weighin in at over 320 pounds, but was in great shape for 4 years of our relationship..now Im down around 250 and am still losing but she just recently told me and I'm going to quote her.."I love you so much and I don't want to lose you..I love being with you, kissing you, cuddling you, and i think about you all the time. you're so adorable and comfortable and cut, but you're like my teddy bear and I don't feel the sexual attraction." She is not even sure why and is also upset about it, but it took me a few days for it to settle in. We had never had an issue with this..EVER..
> she says if i lose some weight it would help..I absolutely agree and AM doing that, but there's a part of me thats like..soooooo I have to be chiseled and skinny for you to have sexual feelings for me? and moreso because it was never an issue before we separated..trust me on that i know thats true..I'm not like morbidly obese..im kinda tall...anyways. Since we got back together though our roles have somewhat changed..it used to be me that was unaffectionate and liked to be alone and was ****y and selfish and wouldn't cuddle her or be very supportive..and she was up my butt all the time..meeting me at the door when id get off work.
> Always wanting to be around me..and now its somewhat the opposite..We do communicate everyday and are very much open about what we talk about..nothing held back..not rude or mean, just honest and open..This has helped alot, by the way.
> While I'm workin on losing the weight I dont know what things we can do to try and rekindle that fire. Neither of us want to call it quits AT ALL. and we have both been trying to come up with things we could do to maybe spark that flame again..
> ...


I find it odd that women want to be seen as sensitive and feeling, but are able to turn those feelings off, and kick the man who has loved and supported them someimes for decades, right in the old scrotum without "FEELING" a thing....

My dogs were cuddly, and loved to be petted, but it's not the same, is it...

I got my boot to the nuts yesterday.....I told my wife of 46 years that she was my sexual icon, and that just the feel of her skin, and to touch her was highly erotic for me..... 

She told me she wished I wasn't so attracted to her.....OUCH... 

It makes me wonder if all the paint and perfume women use to attract is just PHONEY BULL$HIT to trap a free ride.....

As long as they need sex now and then we are tolerated, but when the hormones drop off, they can quite casually kick us to the curb, and go celibate, or tart up and start chasing "STRANGE" to make them feel "ALIVE"...It's all about THEIR feelings......


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

If you want to lose weight then do it for YOU , not for her. Im sorry but if she is your wife and loves you then she will accept you how you are and rather then make you feel bad because you have put on weight she will HELP you get rid of it.

My husband lost 115 lbs in 2005, I lost 80. He looked great. I still had loose skin from having babies and being overweight my entire life. He had an affair with someone that was skinnier then me and since we have come back together he has used the "im not attracted to you anymore" line. Cuts like a sword considering that all the emotional crap our relationship went through he ended up gaining back almost all of his weight and I gained some of mine back (30 lbs). 

I dont get the whole "not attracted" to someone, especially a spouse that you should have unconditional love for, just because of their weight. I find my husband just as attractive now as I did when he lost all the weight. Maybe Im in the majority?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont get the whole "not attracted" to someone, especially a spouse that you should have unconditional love for, just because of their weight. I find my husband just as attractive now as I did when he lost all the weight. Maybe Im in the majority?


That's because love and sexual attraction are two separate things. You can love someone and not find them sexually attractive. In the reverse, you can be sexually attracted to someone and not love them. People don't have unconditional love either, in my opinion. We have all sorts of conditions on our love for another - good hygiene, nonabusive, loving towards us, etc. 

I'm sorry your husband cheated though. Lack of attraction is no excuse for that and no one deserves to have someone cheat on them.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

^I'll never understand that. I remember when I asked my wife about things that I could change when we reconciled and she said my wardrobe. She was use to dating guys wore expensive clothing and suits all the times. Which is fine because they were in a different tax bracket than I am but it cut deep. I love her as much as when she was in better shape as much as I love her now that she is not in that same shape. I'm willing to help her reach the goal weight that she wants but I can't force her to workout. She has to have that drive to keep going. I only provide the motivation.

It's just bull to me. I feel like if you can be attracted to someone once then its forever. You can't just turn it off because looks dont carry as much value as a strong positive personality. Thats why you see people all the time that end up dating people they had a crush on in school. Its like damn, I was in love with you (lust really) when we were kids and I still feel the same way now that we're adults. It sounds to me when people say that, means they are start to feel attraction for someone else.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> That's because love and sexual attraction are two separate things. You can love someone and not find them sexually attractive. In the reverse, you can be sexually attracted to someone and not love them. People don't have unconditional love either, in my opinion. We have all sorts of conditions on our love for another - good hygiene, nonabusive, loving towards us, etc.
> 
> I'm sorry your husband cheated though. Lack of attraction is no excuse for that and no one deserves to have someone cheat on them.


I can agree with you on most of this when you are referencing it towards outsiders, but your spouse? She obviously didnt have a problem with being attracted to him BEFORE she cheated. 

My husband didnt cheat on me because of my weight, he cheated on me because of his weight and he had never gotten the attention he got from other women. It was an ego boost that got out of hand. Now that he struggles with losing all the weight that he put back on it almost makes me wonder if its not just bad Karma....he had a chance to feel better about himself and be thinner and healthier and he took it to a whole different level...now its come back to bite him!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I just want to comment that your wife has 2 kids by 2 different men and not one child lives with her? What is up with that?  

Also, I want to congratulate you on your weight loss. It sounds like you have more that you want to lose and I'm sure you will given all your activities and active lifestyle. In the end, it will be her loss!  You sounds like a very loving father and a sweet man. I just hope the weight loss is for yourself, and not her.


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi,

When we love someone we don't care if they get fat or skinny. We love them for how they are. You love your wife for who she is. Does she love you and accept you for everything that you are?

Sonia


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

BlndSde901 said:


> It's over, unfortunately. In my state, we must be separated for a year before divorce proceedings can take place. So, that process will start all over again. But, Yes. I ended it. Not cause I couldn't accept anything, but I'm just holding her back and not making her as happy as I once did. It hurts, but It is what it is. I need to let her move on and find someone who can give her the happiness she deserves and treat her the right way. It's not me and unfortunately I can't stop loving her, but it's not about me and I needed to do it for everyone's sake. My son will stay with me. I will focus on taking care of us.


You need to move forward for your sake as well. You deserve someone that makes you happy and she ain't it. You think that, but unfortunately you have blinders on. Someone that wants to make you happy does not date others when you are separated.

So work on yourself and making your own happiness. You deserve it and can get it while involved with someone else.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I can agree with you on most of this when you are referencing it towards outsiders, but your spouse? She obviously didnt have a problem with being attracted to him BEFORE she cheated.
> 
> My husband didnt cheat on me because of my weight, he cheated on me because of his weight and he had never gotten the attention he got from other women. It was an ego boost that got out of hand. Now that he struggles with losing all the weight that he put back on it almost makes me wonder if its not just bad Karma....he had a chance to feel better about himself and be thinner and healthier and he took it to a whole different level...now its come back to bite him!


Don't want to threadjack, but wanted to clarify. I'm not saying people cheat because their spouse has gained weight. They usually cheat because of poor boundaries, a sense of entitlement, and many other reasons not having to do with the betrayed spouse but the cheater him/herself. 

But when people say attraction is unconditional, I have to disagree with that. From what I've seen, attraction is very much conditional. If a spouse suddenly stopped taking regular baths or brushed their teeth every other day, would the other spouse still be attracted to them? Or how about the threads here from spouses who say their spouses hang out in sweatshirts all day long and sit in front of the video game console for hours at a time? Just on this forum alone, I can see so many threads where attraction is obviously conditional upon the other spouse meeting certain conditions and those conditions are different for various people. Point is, we all change as we age and mature, and as our priorities and responsibilities change. If the changes are obviously too unfavorable, then our spouses could be turned off. 

I know for me if my husband gained say 75 pounds of fat it would have an impact on my sexual attraction for him. I would absolutely still love him with all my heart. We have a long history together. We've overcome many challenges so I wouldn't leave him or cheat on him because of weight gain. Would I still want sex with him as often as I do now? Probably not. That's not being shallow. Sexual attraction starts in the brain and I am not attracted to a lot of rolls of fat. Would I insult him or mock him about the weight? NO. But I would say something and I know he would do the same for me too. Spouses should do everything reasonably possible to keep themselves attractive for each other, rather than simply taking it for granted or letting themselves go. I said "reasonably" because it's not about looking like a model or looking like we did in our 20s. I said "reasonably" because we all age, get wrinkles, get saggy, get gray hair at some point. But there are ways to still look attractive for one's age.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

:scratchhead:


Coffee Amore said:


> Don't want to threadjack, but wanted to clarify. I'm not saying people cheat because their spouse has gained weight. They usually cheat because of poor boundaries, a sense of entitlement, and many other reasons not having to do with the betrayed spouse but the cheater him/herself.
> 
> But when people say attraction is unconditional, I have to disagree with that. From what I've seen, attraction is very much conditional. If a spouse suddenly stopped taking regular baths or brushed their teeth every other day, would the other spouse still be attracted to them? Or how about the threads here from spouses who say their spouses hang out in sweatshirts all day long and sit in front of the video game console for hours at a time? Just on this forum alone, I can see so many threads where attraction is obviously conditional upon the other spouse meeting certain conditions and those conditions are different for various people. Point is, we all change as we age and mature, and as our priorities and responsibilities change. If the changes are obviously too unfavorable, then our spouses could be turned off.
> 
> I know for me if my husband gained say 75 pounds of fat it would have an impact on my sexual attraction for him. I would absolutely still love him with all my heart. We have a long history together. We've overcome many challenges so I wouldn't leave him or cheat on him because of weight gain. Would I still want sex with him as often as I do now? Probably not. That's not being shallow. Sexual attraction starts in the brain and I am not attracted to a lot of rolls of fat. Would I insult him or mock him about the weight? NO. But I would say something and I know he would do the same for me too. Spouses should do everything reasonably possible to keep themselves attractive for each other, rather than simply taking it for granted or letting themselves go. I said "reasonably" because it's not about looking like a model or looking like we did in our 20s. I said "reasonably" because we all age, get wrinkles, get saggy, get gray hair at some point. But there are ways to still look attractive for one's age.


I agree. I gained a LOT of weight after a motorcycle crash.....8 months in a hip cast, crutches for 26 months, really packs it on....During that time I was absolutely confident of my wifes love

Fast foreward 40 years...That love i would have staked my life on is gone.......
hormones, toxic gf's, depression??? I don't know...:scratchhead:


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