# So confused



## faithfulmom4 (Jun 23, 2016)

I have been married for five years and I have been with my husband for seven years. I have two kids with this man and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone (besides my kids). He has been unfaithful. He has texted different woman on and off over the last few years. We are trying to work things out and he says he is done with talking to other woman, but I can't believe him. Like I said I love him so much and want our family to last, but I am ruining it by bringing it up all the time. I am torn between going our separate ways or staying with him and trying to make it through.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

The #1 thing that divorced people say about divorce is "I should have done it sooner." If this was a one-time thing I'd say you can work it out. It wasn't. It's habitual and he isn't going to change. Do yourself and the kids a big favor. Move on, heal, and be happy. You won't regret it.


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## AkaHantei (Jun 19, 2016)

Going to do something I've never done before here:

I'm happy my husband married 'the other woman'


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The texts were a cheap form of validation for him. What he forgot was you and his children are his validation. That is on the quality of those relationships that should validate him. As to what to do I like these two threads on another site (read and come back here the advise is much more blunt and focused) One is for your husband and one for you, 

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums

There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation. - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Actually one more that tells you what not to think and do The Humiliating Dance of 'Pick Me!'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have access to all his electronics, whenever you ask for them?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has it been since the last time he contact some other woman?

Do you know if he has really given up contacting other women? If you think he has, what proof do you have?

You said that he has texted other women. Do you know if he has carried on relationship with them? If so were the relationships sexual or only emotional?

There are three books that I think would help you. They are all written by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving an Affair" (this book is just for you to read) You need this because it sounds like you are not sure what you should do and what basic rights you have in this situation.

"Love Busters" & "His Needs, Her Needs" These books are for both of you to read. They will help the two of you restructure your marriage to make it as affair proof as possible.

You are not ruining anything by bringing up with affair(s) all the time. It takes a betrayed spouse 2 to 5 years to recover from the betrayal, and that's when recovery is handled very well. One of the most important things that contribute to recovery after an affair is that the WS (wayward spouse) has to keep answering the BS's (betrayed spouse) questions over and over until the BS has what they need. One of the reasons for asking questions over and over it that usually the answers differ by a bit each time. So we keep asking to slowly get the whole picture. The WS has to realize that they know everything about the affair and it's a big secret form BS. This secrecy is a huge wedge in the intimacy of marriage. So in order to rebuild intimacy, the constant question/answer sessions serve the purpose of helping the BS come to the point where they feel like the secret is goin and the WS no longer has a secret corner in their life. Without this recovery is very hard.


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## faithfulmom4 (Jun 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long has it been since the last time he contact some other woman?
> 
> Do you know if he has really given up contacting other women? If you think he has, what proof do you have?
> 
> ...


I do have access to all his emails and his phone. I also have contacted some of the girls to let them know he is married and they did let me know it was just text that they have never met physically. From what I have seen it has been a month from his last message. I know he is trying and he is giving me the time I need to get over it. It just goes through my head every time he has to go out of town. Where can you get those book? Can you get then on kindle?


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## faithfulmom4 (Jun 23, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Do you have access to all his electronics, whenever you ask for them?


Now I do. At first he would make an excuse and put pass codes on everything. Now I have passwords to everything and he doesn't freak out when I ask for his phone.


EleGirl said:


> How long has it been since the last time he contact some other woman?
> 
> Do you know if he has really given up contacting other women? If you think he has, what proof do you have?
> 
> ...



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## faithfulmom4 (Jun 23, 2016)

JohnA said:


> The texts were a cheap form of validation for him. What he forgot was you and his children are his validation. That is on the quality of those relationships that should validate him. As to what to do I like these two threads on another site (read and come back here the advise is much more blunt and focused) One is for your husband and one for you,
> 
> Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums
> 
> ...


These are very helpful thank you so much. I just sent it to my H to read.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I suggest staying on this board. There are a lot of thoughtful articles out there. I like the fact this board is very open to sharing info from other sources as long as it stays within copy write laws, but I think you will do best here. 

Oh another article that will get you banned on another board Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. Why? I have no idea but their dime, their rules.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

*Re: Not to sure what to do I can't see my life without him*

He needs to want the relationship/family as much as you do if there is a chance for you two to reconcile. If you both aren't fully committed to making it work then it won't. Is his unfaithfulness only texting/talking to other women or was there a physical relationship there too?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

faithfulmom4 said:


> I do have access to all his emails and his phone. I also have contacted some of the girls to let them know he is married and they did let me know it was just text that they have never met physically. From what I have seen it has been a month from his last message. I know he is trying and he is giving me the time I need to get over it. It just goes through my head every time he has to go out of town. Where can you get those book? Can you get then on kindle?


You can get them either on Amazon. They might be on kindle now, but I'm not sure.


Here is the thing, there is a reason (not an excuse but a reason) why your husband did this. He needs to figure out why. Then, once he knows why the two of you can make changes to your marriage that help him find whatever the contact with others did for him. And he needs to avoid situations that make the behavior easy to get into.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merged your two threads so you only have this one. Only one thread on a topic, please.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

faithfulmom4 said:


> I am ruining it .


OK, first of all, this is WRONG. YOU are not ruining anything. HE is the one doing the cheating, and yes, it IS cheating. HE is the one who is ruining things, NOT you!!!!!

First of all, you need to tell him what HE has to do if he wants you to stay married to him. Yes, you DO threaten divorce. That IS how serious cheating is. I can think of a few things:
- you and he both get STD tested (YES, because you have no idea if he did in fact sleep with someone - you cannot trust him)
- he has to get counseling - he MUST figure out why he cheated and fix himself so you can have confidence he never will again
- he has to give you full and unhindered access to his entire life, totally at YOUR whim and on demand. It sounds like he's done this, partly at least. You need to see his bank accounts, emails, computers, devices, credit cards, vehicle mileage, WHATEVER you need to see in order to feel better. And he'd damn well better give it to you eagerly. 
- This access continues for as long as YOU need it to. He doesn't get to say when it stops - YOU do. It could be years - WILL be years - before you feel you can relax and start to trust him again.
- If a few months go by and he has proven that he's not acting out, then you consider marriage counseling with him. If you decide to go, HE finds an acceptable MC and makes the appts and tells them why you're there.

This will take years. I am 6 years out and it's been maybe a year and a half that things are really good again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

faithfulmom4 said:


> I have been married for five years and I have been with my husband for seven years. I have two kids with this man and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone (besides my kids). He has been unfaithful. He has texted different woman on and off over the last few years. We are trying to work things out and he says he is done with talking to other woman, but I can't believe him. Like I said I love him so much and want our family to last, but I am ruining it by bringing it up all the time. I am torn between going our separate ways or staying with him and trying to make it through.


Someone is ruining your marriage. But here's a clue for you. It's not you!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

To piggy back on @EleGirl. There are always issues in a marriage often lurking in the background. Some of them may to some degree for you to fix on yourself. Your husband's on the other hand are obviously your husbands. 

The most common mistake I think MC make is putting the cart before the horse. They think find the issues in the marriage, fix them and the adultery disappears. It does not work that way, adultery brings a whole other issues that need to be dealt with before or else. 

So no you are not wrong in the need to address his actions. The only issue is how to do it. A MC might help by providing a regular time and place to raise them. I would also advise you if necessary go alone if he refuses. 

Finally, guard your integrity at all costs. There are more then a few posters that found themselves in an affair because of the spouses action hating themselves for poor decisions. Set strong boundaries for yourself and your husband.


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