# He seems to hate my mom. And it makes us fight.



## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

My boyfriend and I have known one another for a little over 9 years. But we have only spent about 4 of those years in a relationship. Two of those years were when we were in middle/high school, and the most recent two years have been while we are adults. He's 23 now and so am I.

I have an interesting history with his mom. She hated me from the moment she met me. HATED. I was 14/15 when I met her and I dealt with verbal abuse from her the entire time he and I were together. She would call me dirty, a wh0re, worthless, nasty, too talkative etc to my face and to him.

I was a very poor child so I assumed that's why she called me dirty, but I could ever understand the wh0re comments. I was a virgin at the time.

My mom, on the other hand, embraced him then and now. She always called him her son and always compliments his looks, intelligence, his driving etc. 

My mom does have mental health issues, which played a large part in why I was so poor as a child. My mom has severe depression, and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She has not worked in 20+ years and she is currently living in a homeless shelter. She is very "quirky", very talkative, she can't drive (she is 45) and she can definitely be a bit odd but it is never mean spirited.

My boyfriend hates my mom's quirks, and always ridicules them to me. He says she's annoying, talks too much, he hates the sound of her voice and the "stupid and weird" things she does. Whenever she come's over to my place, he shuts himself in the room, he's short with her, he puts his earphones in and plays loud music so he can't hear her.

Every time she leaves, we have an argument about her. He starts recounting whatever "stupid" things she did and putting her down and then I start bad mouthing his mom's crappy behavior toward me and everyone else that she comes into contact with. It's always a terrible argument and right now he and I aren't speaking because of the bad fight we just had.

I don't know what to do... there's so much more to add.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you need to step back and look at this relationship very carefully.

Your boyfriend's mother mistreated you and you accepted it. Why did you accept it? There is no reason that you should ever put yourself anywhere near her.

Your boyfriend accepts his mother mistreating you. That means he thinks it's ok. He has been taught low respect for you.. he learned it in middle school from his mother. Since you put up with his mother abusing you, you have taught your bf that it's ok to mistreat and abuse you.

I get that your mother has mental health issues and can therefore be hard to deal with at times. But your bf is bring rude and it sounds like he's mistreating your mother emotionally. 

He will eventually treat you in a manner very similar to how he treats your mother. It might take time.. but it will happen.

I have noticed this about couples. If a person has a bad attitude and/or mistreats their SO/spouse's family... it will eventually be the way they threat their spouse.

I seriously think that you should think about ending this relationship with him. Then get into counseling and find out why you accept someone who mistreats you and your mother. And find out how to change yourself so that you no longer do that.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

almost,

Sorry about the pain this is causing you. I have three thoughts that I hope will help you out.

1) Significant mental illness carries a stigma in our society because people don't understand it. And quite frankly, some are afraid. They don't know how to respond or interact. This is likely your man. If he is willing to put himself out there, he could get more comfortable with your Mom

2) This thought is more aimed at you: It does take two to have a fight..... When he comes out after your mother has been over and is talking about her quirks and speech patterns; simply pleasantly agree with him: "Yes she is different that you and I and takes some getting used to. But she is my mother and I would hope we can have some relationship with her. It's important to me and to her". 

3) He is disrespecting you by not dealing with his mother's abuse of you. That you should not accept.

End of story. No arguments or further discussion. See how that plays out....


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

EleGirl,

I do keep my distance from her as much as I can. The only times I really see her are on holiday's or the occasional time that my boyfriend wants to visit her. She acts cordial with me now, but it's clearly an act. His mom is an older parent, 65, but she is so rude to everyone, not just me. She is gossipy and just plain mean frankly.

I think I tolerated her behavior because I wanted her to like me, I wanted to have a "normal" female adult figure in my life, and I wanted my bf to see that I could get along with her.

I feel like he respects me most of the time. But in regards to this issue about my mom, not at all. I just don't understand why he seems to get so frustrated by the annoying things she does, none of them really affect him directly but it seems to make him so over the top upset.

A recent example was that my mom wanted to clean, and so she started wiping down the counter tops with carpet cleaner. I thought it was annoying, and also a little silly, but it was something easily remedied. I asked her to stop, and she did, and I cleaned them again myself. But he got so angry and started talking under his breath about how annoying she is, and rolling his eyes.

It just seems like he severely over reacts.


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

KanDo said:


> almost,
> 
> Sorry about the pain this is causing you. I have three thoughts that I hope will help you out.
> 
> ...


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

Right now, he's upset with me because "I can say whatever I like about his mom, but I get upset when he talks about mine"

The ONLY things I say about his mom are in regards to the way she treats me and the way she treats people.

He, on the other hand, talks about the way my mom dresses, says that she smells bad, he says the she's stupid (and I will admit that she is not the smartest person around), talks about her behavior

And he says those are equal insults because I'm still "talking about his mom". I have said that we should just agree not to say anything about the other person's parent, and he agreed, but he still does it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

To me, how he responds to your mother is a huge red flag. It shows a serious lack of compassion. It's really ugly behavior. If I were you I would really consider if you want this man in your life for the long term. 

I suspect that there other ways in which he shows his lack of compassion and intolerance, but because they aren't as personal you don't notice them.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's not about the abuse of his mom, or how overt it might be. 

It's about how HE treats YOU...via his mom and yours. Someone who loves and cherishes you will NOT treat your mom like crap. IF he can be this way about your mom.....he will eventually be this way about YOU.

He should love and respect you...and tolerate your mom. PERIOD. 

IF not....then he is not the man for you....again, PERIOD.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sweetheart, please listen to Ele. Please break up with him.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> It's not about the abuse of his mom, or how overt it might be.
> 
> It's about how HE treats YOU...via his mom and yours. Someone who loves and cherishes you will NOT treat your mom like crap. IF he can be this way about your mom.....he will eventually be this way about YOU.
> 
> ...


almost, SunnyT nails it at the end, there.

But, um, she missed at the middle.

It's really not about him at all. He isn't here. You are.

So it's about YOU.

Let's lay things out.......

You're 23. You're still young. No offense, but you don't really know what kind of man you want in life.

I am pretty sure that you don't want the one you have right now. You may not know that yet, but you will figure it out sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.

Your Mom loves you. She did the best she could for you, and she loves you, it sounds wholeheartedly. She may or may not really like your boyfriend, but she's at a minimum faking it really good, because SHE LOVES YOU.

She loves you a hell of a lot more than your boyfriend does.

Its okay to get frustrated at in-laws. But there should be trust, affection, and patience towards them. You don't have that with your current boyfriend.

And like the ladies here giving you advice have said, the dynamics of your relationship have been set, and eventually he is going to treat you like dirt.

And if that happens, the only person you can blame will be yourself.

Find a better man. One who adores you so much that he likes and appreciates your quirky Mom for the neat-o lady she is.

For external reference, my MIL has a standing invitation to move in with us permanently, away from the not-that-great part of town she lives in. In the mean time, WE (my wife, with my support, agreement, and blessing) help her with bills whenever she needs a little extra, feed her as often as we can, and take her shopping at Walmart, where we refuse to let her pay for anything.

I don't mind doing any of this for her, because she's a really nice old lady, and because her daughter rocks.

Try to find a guy like me, only without the mean streak (sometimes I look at wifey cross-eyed, and it hurts her terribly).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

almost said:


> And he says those are equal insults because I'm still "talking about his mom". I have said that we should just agree not to say anything about the other person's parent, and he agreed, *but he still does it*.


Of course he does. He doesn't respect your wishes. He doesn't show compassion towards your mentally unstable mother. He learned this from his b!tch of a mother.

I don't care if his mom is just nasty to you or everyone on earth. The fact of the matter is, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

So why are you staying with this man? What is it he does that outweighs him ignoring your requests and showing disrespect to your mother?


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

I have said that to him, that if he really cared about me he wouldn't treat her like that because it really huts my feelings. And he just says that he just stating the facts and that I talk about his mom too.

It's so freaking annoying.
I don't even expect him to like her, because he clearly won't ever like her. But he doesn't have to talk about her the way he does. At least be cordial, the way I am towards his mom.
I actually have reasons to be mean towards his mom but I don't treat her badly. He has no reasons, my mom is always nice to him.



SunnyT said:


> It's not about the abuse of his mom, or how overt it might be.
> 
> It's about how HE treats YOU...via his mom and yours. Someone who loves and cherishes you will NOT treat your mom like crap. IF he can be this way about your mom.....he will eventually be this way about YOU.
> 
> ...


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

I've told him that his dislike towards my mom mirrors his mom's dislike towards me. There's no reason for it, and no cause. He's angry at my mom for the same non existent reasons his mom is/was angry at me. I really do think he picked up that type of behavior from her and I believe she encourages it.

I stay with him because I love him alot and I have known him for so long. Other than this pretty big issue... we don't really have any issues.



Prodigal said:


> Of course he does. He doesn't respect your wishes. He doesn't show compassion towards your mentally unstable mother. He learned this from his b!tch of a mother.
> 
> I don't care if his mom is just nasty to you or everyone on earth. The fact of the matter is, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?
> 
> So why are you staying with this man? What is it he does that outweighs him ignoring your requests and showing disrespect to your mother?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes you do. 

This is a HUGE issue, and you don't seem to understand.

How he treats your mom, is how he will treat you. You won't like him to do that. Sooooooooo..... let him go. He's NOT the one.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I seriously think that you should think about ending this relationship with him. Then get into counseling and find out why you accept someone who mistreats you and your mother. And find out how to change yourself so that you no longer do that.


AMEN

Additionally, you should plot a course that will lead you to a successful career, self sufficiency, and independence. You will need to unlearn the culture of poverty and acceptance of sub par relationships.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

almost said:


> I stay with him because I love him alot and I have known him for so long.


Nope. Wrong answer.

Don't confuse love with codependence and other unhealthy relationship dynamics. 

You should really listen to what people are telling you here.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Yes you do.
> 
> This is a HUGE issue, and you don't seem to understand.
> 
> How he treats your mom, is how he will treat you. You won't like him to do that. Sooooooooo..... let him go. He's NOT the one.


Yes, this.

He's already treating you like he treats your mom - with disrespect. He learned it from his mother, and he won't be changing that behavior since he refuses to even acknowledge it.


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## Cristina (Mar 28, 2015)

After reading this only one word come to my mind that it he is a total A$$hole. I don't think he deserves you. You should seriously think about leaving him or it will be too late and you'll only feel regret afterwards.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Cristina said:


> After reading this only one word come to my mind that it he is a total A$$hole. I don't think he deserves you. You should seriously think about leaving him or it will be too late and you'll only feel regret afterwards.


I agree but if you do decide to stay meet your Mom at a restaurant and spend time with her there.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask yourself if this is the man you want to father your children. Children are not just short adults. They require a ton of compassion and patience. Do you want him to treat your kids the way he treats your Mom?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

almost said:


> I stay with him because I love him alot and I have known him for so long. Other than this pretty big issue... we don't really have any issues.


Okay, you love him "alot." What is it specifically about him you love?

He disrespects your wishes on a BIG issue. But other than that BIG issue, you don't have any.

So a big issue, his disrespect for you and your mother ... not much to worry about, is there?

You are not in love with him. You are needy. You are codependent. And you don't know what it looks like to have a decent man really love you.

You aren't going to break up with this jerk. In fact, you'll most likely marry him, have kids, and be miserable.

Why? Because at this point in the relationship, you are already compromising your own desires as to how you want to be treated.

You are in for one helluva lot of heartache. But life's lessons are frequently only learned the hard way.

Stay with him. Learn the hard way. Your life. Your choice.

Good luck.


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