# Understanding the aftermath of confronting



## Lostagainea (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi again, I'm coming off another thread here that details my suspicions and the ultimate confrontation. I wanted to start a new thread as this is a new chapter in this story and it might attract new posters.

Here is the original thread.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54670-ea-i-think-so.html

Anway, things have been unexpected so far to say the least. NC has been established (though they do still work together) to the best of my knowledge and I'm taking on "trust but verify" and I am aware of scenarios of it going more underground so PLEASE do not focus on that.

So after she went NC, she has taken a very strange turn that I am having a hard time understanding. We are sleeping in different rooms, not physically interacting with each other though we do say "hi" and "bye" and "I'm going here". It feels like more of a courtesy than anything else. 

She has sworn that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and she wants to work through this. Most of the time however, she is just acting strangely. She's spending a ton of time with her sister who lives with us and she's doing things she hadn't done before but always wanted to. She's attending pole dancing with her sister, she's out right now shopping getting a tattoo with her sister, she's trying to reconnect with an old female friend from years ago (obtained from snooping). Meanwhile she doesn't show any remorse and almost seems to be gaslighting or ignoring that anything happened at all, yet she doesn't try to be affectionate or anything. She doesn't act like we are ok.

I just am lost to what this may mean. In the meantime, I've decided to follow the advice in "Not Just Friends" and commit to working on the marriage and deciding ultimately if it will work after working on it for a while. "No More Mr Nice Guy" will be here this week for me to read and I'm starting to try out a lot of 180 stuff. When she said she was going to get a tattoo, I simply replied "ok, have fun!". She hesitated before she told me like she was expecting more of a reaction out of me (it is a big decision for her to do this).

Do I just accept her behavior and work on the 180? It think it's what I should be doing and just wait and see if she comes back so to speak but it feels very difficult and if you read my other thread, you know I overthink everything.




Once again, this is to analyze why she's doing what she's doing and what I should be doing POST confrontation, thank you all very much.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Lostagainea said:


> ...
> 1. We are sleeping in different rooms, not physically interacting with each other though we do say "hi" and "bye" and "I'm going here". It feels like more of a courtesy than anything else.
> 
> 2.she's doing things she hadn't done before but always wanted to.
> ...


It means (to me) that unless you see the benefits of the pole dancing class, your name tattooed on her arm, her new friend inviting both of you out - she's made up her mind to live in your home and do as she pleases.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

It sounds like she's slowly checking out of your marriage. You need to implement full 180. Don't tell her to have fun again. Just acknowledge what she tells you with an OK. NEVER EVER tell her where you are going. She wants to live like a room mate, fine. Room mates are not entitled to knowing what the other is doing. She's doing the 180 to you. You need to give it back to her too.

You can't rebuild the marriage by yourself. She needs to be actively engaged, she isn't. The 180 will help you disengage in the event she permanently checks out of the marriage.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

She is cake eating and you are allowing her to. They still work together, see each other, probably still communicating, probably still in an EA of some sorts.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

These results aren't unexpected given that you allowed her "friendship" to go on for 3 months. It would give us some insight if you let us kow how the "confrontation" went. Was she loud? was she up set? Did she give you any explanations? Did you find out anything about her affair that you didn't know already? Anything about you and the OMGF working together? What was her total mindset?



Lostagainea said:


> Anway, things have been unexpected so far to say the least. NC has been established (though they do still work together) to the best of my knowledge and I'm taking on "trust but verify" and I am aware of scenarios of it going more underground so PLEASE do not focus on that.


Well at least the NC is a positive and so is the fact that we don't have to remind you that in all likelihood they are still in contact.



Lostagainea said:


> So after she went NC, she has taken a very strange turn that I am having a hard time understanding. We are sleeping in different rooms, not physically interacting with each other though we do say "hi" and "bye" and "I'm going here". It feels like more of a courtesy than anything else.


Any explanation from her as to why she is doing this? Is she punishing you for ending her affair? I personally wouldn't stand for it. Frankly, I'd be seeing a lawyer right about now because I think you are being set up. Your wife isn't ready to be married. If fact, I think she is in need of some serious psychiatric help.


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## Lostagainea (Aug 28, 2012)

We started sleeping in seperate rooms the night of the confrontation. She suggested that she wasn't sure how I was able to share a bed with her after what I knew. She actually hasn't looked for a job since the day after the c and she hasn't shared a day of work with the om yet. Rumor is the OM is likely to leave the state when he and the OMGF break up so he may be leaving work. Once again, I'm heavily monitering the situation with the om so let's not get stuck on that yet.

I haven't contacted her mother yet, is that a reasonable step even though it conflicts with the 180?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

My 2 cents is that as long as you didn't know about the affair -- she was happy to sleep with you. Now that you know -- you have become the OM, and if she slept with you, she would be cheating on her boyfriend. Hope this makes sense to you.


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## Lostagainea (Aug 28, 2012)

Well I can't exactly invite her back up so that point is a little late. I was half tempted to go stay at my brothers tonight and watch football and sleep over but I'm still nervous about that givng her and the OM a window.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Nope, no good at all

This rug sweeping will not enable healing or R


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Also wouldn't surprise me if sis is helping her continue the affair, can OMGF verify OMs whereabouts the same nights and times?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Go hang out with your bro. Is it giving her a window? I suppose. It also could be giving her enough rope to hang herself with, metaphorically speaking.


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## Lostagainea (Aug 28, 2012)

This is such a mess, I do appreciate all comments and viewpoints. So what does this all mean if she ISN'T going to keep things up with the OM? I'm not saying that's the case, I just think its a point I want to look at. I think I'm going to look into IC, I just can't figure this out on my own and it'll be good for me as an individual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostagainea (Aug 28, 2012)

tdwal said:


> I agree with middleman, she is not ready for marriage. She is the one with the problem and needs IC.


I would agree that she needs help but I can't tell her to go get it right now given her disconnection. 

I feel like I'm just exploring every option and scenario before I make the choice to go full 180 even though I know it's the right thing to do. After all, if she really wants to be married to me and is willing to do what it takes, she will come back? Of course she may not realize there is a point where she can't come back but it's not like I can communicate that and she will actually listen right now.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Lostagainea said:


> Do I just accept her behavior and work on the 180? It think it's what I should be doing and just wait and see if she comes back so to speak but it feels very difficult and if you read my other thread, you know I overthink everything.


Really, seriously.....This is exactly how you got into this situation in the 1st place. I'll just wait and see, sigh.

The 180 is not to ignore her and hope she comes back to you. It's to make you a better and more confident person so you can move on without her if she doesn't get back on board.

File away and do your 180. If she wants back on board fine, it not cut the support line and let her drown by herself.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I am very sorry for your pain, really. You do not have a wife now, you have a woman that is getting ready for her new exciting life. She has checked out of the marriage and is waiting for the stars to line up for her to leave. You may start getting ready for your new exciting life, and it will be exciting just not with her. God Bless.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random speculative thoughts...

If you are monitoring the OM communication and there is none...

Probably means she's done with the OM, not because she wanted to be but likely because the consequences to him caused him to withdraw... 

Your the bad guy. She is likely in emotional 'withdrawl' from her EA high... and she resents you. But, she also needs to keep you as an option until she gets the other foot out the door... She is actively looking for a new 'plan B'.

If she attempting to reconnect with past friends, or make new ones she is foraging for a new support group... One that listens to her fogged version of her life and will convinvce her that what she wants to do is alright... afterall, her husband is (insert various negative things) and she's unhappy.

Nothing I heard in the first post is good or even neutral... It's quite the opposite. 

As is always the case, anything you can do to protect yourself is warranted. Hope for the best if you must, but be prepared for the worst.

No matter what you do remember...

Believe none of what you hear, half of what you see and only that which you can verify. Even then, being sceptical isn't a bad idea.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

So let me get this straight she has an EA/PA yes a kiss is a PA. If a man is kissing your wife for any other reason than he is from another country and is being polite, then it is a PA. So your wife cuts off all physical contact and completely separates from you emotionally. Then you don't say now we need to work on ourselves and deal with this. You don't say "If you are not going to talk to me then I might as well get a lawyer and you can see your friends all day long." 
You need to step up here and stop letting her dictate the when, where, and how. You were cheated on, she should be there for your, and instead she is running of with an old friend.... You don't get warnings at work unless there is something obviously inappropriate going on. Which leads me to believe that they had probably been caught in compromising situations on more than one occasion and finally someone spilled the beans because they were uncomfortable enough get managers involved. 
She has not shown true remorse, If you mentioned your sources of information she may have just gone further underground. I think that you need to figure out what you want at this point. 
A wife that is willing to betray you and then just pretends it never happened. Or to have the possibility of moving on and finding someone who won't cheat on you, and would respect you. 

Clearly by her actions she does not respect you or your marriage. Otherwise she would not have gotten attached to the OM, she would not have kissed a (and more I guarantee), and when you confronted her she would have begged for forgiveness and asked for you to take her back. 

Instead she leaves the bedroom and separated physically as well as emotionally (sounds like a preparation for leaving you anyway). She runs off with a friend and doesn't even attempt to say or do anything for you considering the situation.

You haven't called her and told her to come home. I mean at this point I would be calling her and telling her this " If you aren't even capable of trying to be there for me considering the fact that you have betrayed me and damaged our marriage. Then don't bother coming home, if you don't have kids, then just don't go home. 
Her behavior almost seems as if getting caught was something she was happy about. 
Stop letting this woman get off so easy and start acting like pissed off, confused, and betrayed husband that you are.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

She's mad at you for c*ckblocking the OM and she's decided that there is no room for you in her new life. She's caught a glimpse of what is out there, and she is going to sample it. She's putting together a gang of enablers, which by the way you are currently a part of as long as you just 'wait and see'. At best you are her plan B if it doesn't work out. Please just file already. Give her consequences. DO NOT RESPOND TO HER WORDS. ONLY HER ACTIONS. Be ready to move on.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

*From your other thread:*


Lostagainea said:


> Quit being so presumptuous, it makes me value your opinion a lot less.


I can understand you feeling that way, not everyone can take my bluntness (you should see the looks I get at work). The fact is that I am solidly on your side and if I could give your wife a swift kick in the butt on your behalf, I would. *AND* as someone who cares (as much as someone whose actually never met you _can_ care) I'm trying to give you some "tough love".

Having said that, your wife's behavior is just bizarre! *BadBane* put it all more eloquently and more politically correct that I ever could and *JVF* is telling the truth. I don't know what your wife's real problems are, but you're too good for her.

It's my opinion that the time to save your marriage was in July or early August; but that time seems to have come and gone. A week or two ago I said you should dig in your heals and fight for your marriage. Now, based on what you said today, I feel you need to start thinking about protecting your personal and financial interests along with getting some truth as to what actually went on in her mind and with the OM.

Something happened between when you got back from vacation and last Thursday that pushed her over the mental edge. She has lost all commitment to you and the marriage. Sleeping in separate beds? I don't believe for a minute what she said to you about you not wanting to be in the same bed with her; she doesn't want to be sleeping with you! She is clearly not willing to do any lifting to save your marriage, never mind the heavy lifting; and you can't save a marriage on your own.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Lostagainea said:


> I haven't contacted her mother yet, is that a reasonable step even though it conflicts with the 180?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My opinion: Expose, Expose, Expose

But her mother is her mother, so don't expect too much sympathy. 

BTW: Whose side is her sister, the one who is living with you, on? Let me guess! ..... Not yours?

Involving the In Laws does let them know they raised a vile piece of crap, but they will always take the side of that vile piece of crap.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You seem to be reacting to her very passively.

She decided to move to another room
She decided to stop spending time with you
She decided to reconnect with a friend and take even more of her time away from you.

And you just sit back waiting and wondering what she is going to do next.

Not good at all.

She should be pursuing you, making up for the harm she has done to the marriage.

You should not be pursuing, but you should be the one taking charge, setting boundaries, being the leader, tell her what you need her to be doing.

What is the tattoo of?


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

She is doing exactly what my H is doing. He had an affair too and says he wants to be here but sleeps downstairs, goes to the boat every weekend, does pretty much what he wants, when he wants. No remorse, no regret. It took me awhile but I realized that he doesn't want to be with me, he just doesn't want to hit reality. He wants to rugsweep and pretend everything will be okay. She's doing the same exact thing. If she doesn't move out or have to fix anything or basically face any sort of reality than she doesn't have to face up to her consequences. She gets to just live her life as a single person but have the comfort of life as she's known it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I knew a guy once who would analyze everything from every angle. He became the biggest joke in the company. He spent so much time worrying about the "what ifs" and trying not to make a mistake that he never accomplished a damn thing.

Are you related to him?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

We should recycle the comments from the other thread, they are just as vaild here.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wow! Just reading this gives me chills. It is me.

I think I am related to your coworker, TDSC60.

Lostagainea,

Sorry to say this but, she is gone. She has disconnected. Her new plans are not firm. She will be leaving. She needs a place to stay. Get that counseling. Get a great attorney. Make 'your' plans. It's gonna hurt like hell, but if you prepare yourself properly with some really good counselling and all the info everyone has given you, things 'will' turn out alright. While you are doing all of this, who knows? Something may change her, but I doubt it. You gotta take care of you. You have to be most important in your life. You are worth it. You are worth every moment of the work it is going to take to get you where you need to be. You deserve respect and love. She cannot give it to you. Learn to love yourself, then you can love others. You and I could probably write the same story with different names. I wish you all the best. Gonna check back on this story. Hope you are well and stay well.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> We should recycle the comments from the other thread, they are just as vaild here.


I know :scratchhead:

Oh, you can wait and hope she wakes up, and she very well may do that. But it won't be under your terms, she will have control knowing that she can do this again anytime and you will just wait for her. She lost any respect from you and the only way to earn it back is to stop letting her walk all over you, stop letting her disrespect you. I promise you if you don't toughen up and give her real consequences she will do this to you over and over again. I take it you aren't ok with that as you are here.

As I say to all spineless WS, men or women, I am a cheater, I know what she is doing and why, and the only way to get her out of it and to respect you is to take control with interstrength. Stop being afraid of what she may or may not do and start doing what you need to do. And that is taking back your dignity and showing her you must be respected.

Right now she is ready to leave you, we all see it why can't you. Be a step ahead of her. Even if it is to late, you would still have your dignity.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Lostagainea: Anything new going on that you care to share with us?


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