# My story - hoping for advice or perspective



## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Like many others on here I have lurked for a bit and can resonate with many of the stories, emotions and general the rollercoaster that this is! 

I don't know anyone outside our family home in the area we moved to back in March, so I feel this is part letting it out into an open forum and part seeing what others views and perspectives are.


I am 35 and have been with my wife for 9 years this Feb. We have 3 children and got married 5 years ago.

We both used to work together running restaurants and both decided back in the near year we wanted to move to somewhere rural and focus life more on our kids and building a sustainable future for everyone. 

Life before moving had its ups and downs like many I have read about on here and other forums. 

On moving here I took a job with not great pay but a one that could enable my focus to be on the family and not my career, she also took a part time job working in a shop as a supervisor. 

After a while my employer wasn't turning out to be the greatest and regularly wasn't respecting I had a family (shifts being swapped late notice, demands to get into work on days off etc) 

Whilst her job was alot more flexible and generally a better run company. She was doing well and we came to the mutual decision that she would work full time and I would school the children (we have homeschooled for about 3 years) with a plan in the future when covid has gone and we are settled for myself to start my own self employed business on the side to give me work purpose and bring in extra income.

Around August time I had noticed when with her she would regularly be glued to her phone, I paid no real attention to see this as an issue and if anything felt happy and commented that is great she is making friends down here.

Sometime between mid August and September an alarm bell went off in my gut as it became more apparent it wasn't a circle of work friends she was talking to all day. It was predominantly just one guy. Again, I didn't see it as a major issue as since moving to the rural area we had both felt happier since being out of the restaurant business. 

I accepted it was a friendship but offered her advice and a warning to try not to let anyone mess you around (she has always had a habit of making friends and the friendship getting very intense and then she gets burnt) 

He brought her a gift around the same time, a screenshot of a joke in their conversation put onto a frame. She thought it was hilarious, I was now fully feeling my gut tell me this is wrong and something I cannot ignore any longer.

I made my feelings clear regarding the photo that I dont like that another man has brought my wife a gift. She fobbed it off as "yeah, it's a bit much but still funny though" 

She then in return went and got a return gift of a keyring with a screenshot of part of a conversation.... yes looking back now even writing this reminds me of how apparent this was almost 4 months ago! 

But I almong with others at the time didn't see a reason to distrust their wife's intentions and certainly did not want to come across as controlling or thinking I can dictate how someone else behaves. 

A couple of weeks later and it was getting to the point where it felt like she was always going to the toilet and felt like she was now hiding her phone usage. My gut was burning with needing to know more so I checked over her phone and was shocked to see that they was messaging each other around 100 times a day.

I confronted in the morning and let her know she has been distant from myself and even to a degree the kiss with how much she is on her phone. That I felt like a ghost in the room with her at times.

Obviously, she wax on the defensive... and quick!! 

Attempted to back me into an emotional corner and say I had violated her privacy (despite when I raised concern before about her phone I was told I can check anytime!) 

Password was changed and I never asked to see it again from that day. 

The following weeks up until when we split in early November were spent with myself feeling I was going insane, paranoid, insecure. I know now looking back she ****ing gaslit me. My mental health was purposely being messed around trying to work this out.

The guy would come into work when they was on shift and spend hours there and I would pass a comment of "oh awesome, so it's cool for me to pop down if I want to see you for a few hours" 

Throughout this though I could only see that he was chasing her and it wasn't being reciprocated.

Then come the day when **** hit the fan. We had been having a Halloween party for the kids and she went to chill upstairs for a bit said she needed a lie down... being completely paranoid I was going on WhatsApp and seeing that despite saying she was feeling unwell and wanted a nap she was upstairs on the phone and probably chatting to "him".

I'd had enough! This was a fun party for our kids and they shouldn't have their mum hiding upstairs. So I went up to talk to her about it, she had her phone in her hand but it was locked. Then a message pops up from this guy.... her instinct was to cover the message up so i couldn't see it. 

She tells me she hasn't been on her phone atall, I make it clear I know she has and know she is messaging this guy and I think its gotten to the point where I cannot take no more.

I have known her to lie more in these past 5 months and be caught out than the last 9 years put together. 

She knows I simply do not tolerate a liar. I went silent, waiting for an apology. Felt so hurt that I couldn't look her in the eyes or touch her.

For the week that followed we barely spoke unless we had to. I couldn't show her any warmth or compassion unless she reached out and apologised for her actions. And lack of said apologies made me feel that intact she isn't saying sorry, because she's not!! 

After 10 days passed and her starting to sleep in another room I had to break the ice because the tension was intense.

This is when the break up and ******** I love you but not in love talk happened.

It felt like my heart was ripped from my chest, I have had my father die when I was younger and this was far worse. It was like my wife had died then come back as a ghost but to ignore me. She told me first it was due to my health issues.. (nothing major but I had a bout of poor health but still carried on the best I could) when I changed the narrative back on her and how I know this isn't the case, she moved onto the change in dynamic at home with me being sole care giver was the reason. This was also batted back at her because I knew what the real reason was. She then tried to suggest it was my anxiety (one of the reasons I left hospitality was the stress it puts on you) and I made her aware that my recent anxiety in life was solely down to her behaviours and excessive contact with a work friend.

I then told her that the reason is "him" and she broke down and said sorry.

After a night of a couple attempts to show her how compatible we are i got up the next day and decided to implement straight up the 180 technique I had read about previously. 

Yes technically to sort this out I would have had to do that back in August I feel. But this was now me going into survival mode and trying to protect myself from anymore emotional destruction.

I didnt eat for 9 days, and nor did she. I could see this was the real deal and not just something that would blow over, she started getting back in from work at silly times like 2am, I knew where she was and was hurt and angry but would never bring it up. Her business is now her own. 

Fast forward to now and the last 6 weeks really have been the most emotionally turbulent I didnt think the human body could go through. 

Got to a point where I felt good about the future and had a mindset of "living well is the best revenge" but then I have just had about 4 days where my head is so dark and I go back to feeling desperate for her warmth directed at me. 

She voiced that evening when it happened she was worried the kids would grow up to hate her. She will harbour alot of guilt over this for along time, despite what her shows of joy and dancing around the house are trying to project.

Today we are at a point where I am starting work back in mid Jan, we have agreed 50/50 with the kids as despite her behaviour it would be selfish of me to deny them as much time with me as they did the person who has raised them. 

She is moving out the home we rent into a 2 bed probably end of jan - it will be her 30th at the start of Feb and our 6th anniversary right before.

The mind just still boggles though as this guy is only 23 or 24, lives at home and works in the same shop as her. And myself who has the same aspirations and is similar ethically and spirituality.

In my head I'm telling myself this is all a massive recipe for disaster? 

Somedays I feel great and have excitement at having time to myself and exploring what is new to me.

Other days I just don't want anything new and exciting, I want to cultivate the expectations and hopes I shared with someone that only 5 months ago we would have laughed at the thouggt at something like this ever happening. 

I keep having a reoccurring thought that her world will crumble in 2-3 years because she is a strong woman and would often look at people that age as "boys" and not men.

I know there isn't a way of reconciliation with someone else in the picture, again there are days where I feel she has done so much hurt and made trust impossible to get back. There are also days and alot of them where I think if I just focus on making myself the best version I can for ME and the kids then if she realises in a few years this was some mid life identity crisis she will see what she has lost. 

Sorry if this post is really long or not articulated as well as it may have been in my head! I am new to the world of forums and my story had alot of recapping to do as I have been alot start from moment of the split happening.

I will make it. With or without her, just sometimes wish the days I want it to be with her wasn't so frequent. 

I know 6 weeks out of a almost 9 year relationship isn't long but at least I know the reason why it happened which is more than some get and the months where I was being gaslit has hopefully eased some of the turmoil because I know I wasn't wrong to be feeling that way.

Much love to all


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I know too well what you’re feeling and how bleak you feel your future is. I know your self esteem is crushed. You don’t get why she did this. Why?! Keeps running through your head.

Your post describes a person that somehow hopes she will quit this guy and come back and give you a chance. She won’t. Her feelings for you weren’t all that strong to start with, or thus wouldn’t have happened. When she gave her feelings to another man, what was left was completely wiped away.
This was not as a result of your faults, it was a manifestation of something in her.
There’s no explanation you will ever receive that will help you fully understand, so don’t try. 

My suggestion: Break off all communication with your wife except for children stuff, and realize the person you loved is dead and gone. That person doesn’t exist now. The person you knew loved you. This person doesn’t. The faster you accept she is gone, the faster you will start your focus on moving forward to better your life.

You will see a couple of years from now that your wife’s horrid betrayal NOW was a huge blessing for you LATER.

Try to not let your emotions allow you to hope for her return. If she came back today, it would only lengthen your pain because she’d find some other chump in the future and leave you then. There’s no fixing what is on her head. She’s a cheater and always will be. This current affair partner won’t be her last. 

But you can make it the last that affects YOUR life.

Divorce, refuse to allow yourself to hope or feel anything positive related to your cheater.

Then move ahead and build yourself a great life and find a woman that’s actually loyal.

My sympathy regarding your pain.
Please don’t wallow in it. Move forward or enjoy more of that pain you’re in now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you have dealt with all this really well compared to many others. You refused to accept the lies and excuses, good for you. Your small children must be so upset and confused, just be there for them and be the best dad you can, they will be feeling so unhappy that their mum has moved out and how will she have room for 3 children half the week with a 2 bed place?
I will never understand the sheer selfishness of some people especially when they have children. Its just appalling that she is blowing up their lives for this boy. Of course it will never last once the reality of the fact that she is much older than him and has 3 children hits home.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

There are some lessons to be learned here. First, you have to learn to recognize these problems in the early stages before they get too bad. Your wife being on her phone all the time is a HUGE red flag. You can't let that sort of thing continue and you now know why. The other problem I see is the fact that you stopped working. IMO, she lost respect for you. Ladies usually prefer to be with a guy that earns more than they do. You stopped being the man in your marriage and started playing the traditional female role. 

One last thing. Whatever you do, do not take this woman back. Nothing will change. Move on, learn from your mistakes, and do better for yourself.


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Thanks folks, appreciate the time to read and lend a few words. 

I am more often having the thoughts of... but if she wanted me back would I or could I ever accept someone who has taken a proverbial ****e on me. I don't feel its likely she will cut ties with this guy, realistically I hold about 1% but even that is optimistic.

Near enough only contacting her about kids or life admin we have connected that needs sorting and haven't once questioned her life or what she spends her time doing. For my sake mainly and partly because I want her to see and feel that i can exist and thrive without her.

Weirdly I often look at her and feel LESS physically attracted to her than before. She is quite tall for a woman and the weight lost during this has caused her to lose some of the curves she previously had.

Also just found out today that the house she was going to move to has fallen through, only reasons given were the landlord had pulled it off the market. Possibly wanting to make a sale instead of letting due to covid? Who knows. 

I'm trying to go through this ordeal and be able to look back on it and know i behaved honourably and a way that preserved my integrity. For the sake of my kids too, the eldest knows what is going on as she has been sleeping downstairs for the past 5 weeks. 

Wanted me to sleep there, no chance am I giving up a super king-size bed for a ikea futon! She knows she is lucky that i didn't just throw her out the house.

Only reason I didn't is for the sake of the kids. Same with moving out, let her know that I'd move out but on my terms - wait until I found somewhere with what was important (garden, rural location, enough space and accepted the dog and cats) 

The onus and desire to leave is on her. So I wouldn't be surprised if she jumps at the first place she could find (said she would take a 2 bed and her sleep in the living room?!? - people are nuts at times!! ) 

As for the kids we have a 12 year old (from a previous relationship of hers) but is treated and loved the same as the others as I have been in her life since she was 2 and doesn't know her biological father. She knows what is happening we have had the talk, she knew something was up as her mum was sleeping downstairs. 

The other 2 boys aged 5 & 7 don't know and I refused to have them spoken to about it until after Christmas as I want this time of year to be filled with thoughts of joy and magic. 

It has felt fantastic just to let this out into the open as not having anyone I know to see in person I didn't want it to consume me.

I may even use this as a place to vent and hopefully be able to find others to lend support to as much as this is making me feel like I'm dying inside. There are people going through worse! 

She's also probably mentioned 3 or 4 times that she is going out tonight... why? I don't get it haha! If you didn't get a rise from me the first time, why let me know again and again when I acknowledged i heard you the first time? 

Madness


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I do think she will try to come crawling back to you one day, it's almost inevitable. Post separation relationships with affair partners never seem to work out in the long term. Not to mention this young dude is probably just looking at her like she's someone fun to play around with while he finds a better woman for him. I know that is how I viewed older ladies when I was a young man. When her new life plans don't work out like she had hoped, you will hear from her. Just keep that in mind. Similar situation happened to me so I am speaking from experience.


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I think you have dealt with all this really well compared to many others. You refused to accept the lies and excuses, good for you. Your small children must be so upset and confused, just be there for them and be the best dad you can, they will be feeling so unhappy that their mum has moved out and how will she have room for 3 children half the week with a 2 bed place?
> I will never understand the sheer selfishness of some people especially when they have children. Its just appalling that she is blowing up their lives for this boy. Of course it will never last once the reality of the fact that she is much older than him and has 3 children hits home.


Thats what makes the mind boggle! The guy has done uni and now returned and is working in his local shop. 

Equally most of us have been besotted with another before and for a while cannot see anything but rainbows surrounding them!


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> I do think she will try to come crawling back to you one day, it's almost inevitable. Post separation relationships with affair partners never seem to work out in the long term. Not to mention this young dude is probably just looking at her like she's someone fun to play around with while he finds a better woman for him. I know that is how I viewed older ladies when I was a young man. When her new life plans don't work out like she had hoped, you will hear from her. Just keep that in mind. Similar situation happened to me so I am speaking from experience.


Think that's a big part of the reason I ended up here. I am worth more than ever being someones backup plan.


Enigma32 said:


> I do think she will try to come crawling back to you one day, it's almost inevitable. Post separation relationships with affair partners never seem to work out in the long term. Not to mention this young dude is probably just looking at her like she's someone fun to play around with while he finds a better woman for him. I know that is how I viewed older ladies when I was a young man. When her new life plans don't work out like she had hoped, you will hear from her. Just keep that in mind. Similar situation happened to me so I am speaking from experience.


Thats what conflicts inside.. that after this happening i cannot be a back up plan for someone else's life. 

Who knows if/when that day comes i may have total indifference to her as a person. More likely in my opinion is ill end up just gaining resentment towards her for the selfish hurt she caused our kids. 

Sooner she moves out the better though in my eyes. Yes I'm not looking forward to at times being on my own but trying to relish some solitude and become a more resilient individual because of it. I'm also blessed to live in a very relaxed and spiritual area of the country (they do exist in England!!) 

It will also give her a taste of this life she has been craving which i know to start will be all wine and roses


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've never once heard of a woman going back to a man because she realized how great he was in retrospect. The only times I've seen that happen it was only temporary and usually because the woman was broke or something like that. I very often seen it happen that they come back just long enough to see if the guy still wants them, but they don't stay. It's just an ego thing. Seen more men do that than women. I would not count on that happening.

It's highly unlikely she's going to end up with this young guy, but that doesn't really matter becauset thedamage is done.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've never once heard of a woman going back to a man because she realized how great he was in retrospect. The only times I've seen that happen it was only temporary and usually because the woman was broke or something like that. I very often seen it happen that they come back just long enough to see if the guy still wants them, but they don't stay. It's just an ego thing. Seen more men do that than women. I would not count on that happening.
> 
> It's highly unlikely she's going to end up with this young guy, but that doesn't really matter becauset thedamage is done.


My ex wife tried it. When she was tired of being married, she found herself an affair partner and walked out. Maybe a month later, she regretted it and tried to work things out. She was rather persistent and when I found myself single again, I spent a little time with her at least but never had intentions of being married to her anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> My ex wife tried it. When she was tired of being married, she found herself an affair partner and walked out. Maybe a month later, she regretted it and tried to work things out. She was rather persistent and when I found myself single again, I spent a little time with her at least but never had intentions of being married to her anymore.


I mean, they go off and get their hearts broken and then want to cry on someone's shoulder about it. Lord. It's ego and comfort, insecurity. But she was an idiot to leave you. You are a genuinely nice person and you have had a lot of bad luck with these women I've heard about. You may be one of those "too nice" or "too tolerant" people, but I know after that last fiasco, such blatant deceit, you won't be missing too many red flags anymore. 

A lot of guys come back around, but it's either about sex or they miss you as a friend. I did have good friendships with a couple of my guys. Love, bah.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean, they go off and get their hearts broken and then want to cry on someone's shoulder about it. Lord. It's ego and comfort, insecurity. But she was an idiot to leave you. You are a genuinely nice person and you have had a lot of bad luck with these women I've heard about. You may be one of those "too nice" or "too tolerant" people, but I know after that last fiasco, such blatant deceit, you won't be missing too many red flags anymore.
> 
> A lot of guys come back around, but it's either about sex or they miss you as a friend. I did have good friendships with a couple of my guys. Love, bah.


Yeah, I was always willing to put up with too much from my ladies. Not anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, it's kind of a catch 22, because if you see what their limits are when you're not trying to stop them from doing things, that's how you find that out. But I guess best to just know when to fold 'em instead.


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Thanks again for the words.

Definitely has done me some good to get it off my chest and value others taking their own free time to lend a few words.

It has certainly made me feel more centered and to remember that dark days will happen (felt great and optimistic about my own future NOT our future for a while) then I got slapped with 3 or 4 days of really dark thoughts where it was a reminder that this does hurt. All of the good energy and thoughts had just been washed away with pain.

Hopefully if and when these emotions return I will be in a stronger place to deal with them thanks for some wise words here.

Christmas eve today so the next few days will be the most we have had to spend in close proximity with no real reason for extended trips out the house - her part not mine, I'm usually at home with the kids when she has her trips "out", must be great fun for a woman who's about to turn 30 with 3 kids to likely sit in her car in a tesco car park all night! - the lad still lives at home with his mum and dad.

Even if they are in some fantasy world to be a fly on the wall in that home when they find out their son is involved with a woman who's eldest child is literally not old enough to be his own will be priceless.

Off to take the kids on a walk and do some Christmas fun before she returns from work this afternoon with her cringey dancing around the house and being over the top with them.

Much festive love to all.l


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> There’s no explanation you will ever receive that will help you fully understand, so don’t try.


I didn't "receive" any explanation, though in my own circumstance set, I fully understood. She was never "in to" me. She was an "alpha widow" whose SMV dwindled and sagged like her tits. She just wanted someone to pay the bills, because all the "alphas" had no time for her, they moved on to younger and prettier. Hence, me.



Shangri-La said:


> the lad still lives at home with his mum and dad.


Interesting. One of her APs was the same age as her, and called his wife "mommy"..... I don't exactly wonder why he was an adulterer.....

Her behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is ALL HER. Good riddance..... your kids don't need somebody like her for a mother. Throw her so far the hell out of their lives that the residual effects of having watched her become minimal and ineffectual.

Don't worry. The "lad" will be gone. If his parents don't whip his ass and send him to his room, younger and prettier will come along.


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Thanks for the words all and hope you are all enjoying the festive season.

I don't mean to use the word 'lad' in a derogatory way as there are likely plenty in the world at the age of just turning 24 have a fair bit of emotional depth or have experienced what life has to offer.

In the UK I see it often of usually guys going to uni often on a degree that suits their hobbies and with no real interest in getting a job in that field after (think this guy studied media production) then finish uni and just end up working in a shop or a bar. 

Equally things like herself now intently wanting to watch the Mandalorian (this lad - like most his age loves star wars and anything star wars related) zero interest before in watching it with myself or the kids but now she must wear a star wars Xmas jumper and buy star wars baubles for the tree.

Its almost hilarious how transparent these over interests in things are. 

Furthermore it is starting to solidify on my eyes that this is a person changing who they are to suit someone else and generally impress them. 

I read someone put something on here that spoke volumes regarding "never fight for crumbs of someone's affection, love or passion" wait for someone who wants to give you the full sugar, full fat absolute buffet of these things! 

Painfully I still love her, this is normal after 9 years together. But I'm certainly not in love with the person I have seen her morph into.

Be the woman I married & mother to our children and a person that until a few months ago had expectations and plans for us up until old age. 

This still doesn't in my eyes at the moment feel enough reason to ever accept being placed as a commodity in her life where I can and shall be replaced. 

I'd guess that having thoughts like these and not coming on here declaring my wife is a confused angel whom I would take a bullet for is growth of some kind haha? 

Only reasons I haven't gone on the offensive with her are mainly the kids, i don't wish them to be under the same roof as that kind of arguing and drama. She is also known to have quite the 'red mist's when it comes to a temper. 

So I'm playing my cards close to my chest, keeping peaceful and quiet, knowing that if she is obsessed with another guy and all I am focusing on is myself and the kids and NOT her. Then I will be a step ahead in all of this.

Another reason is I don't want her to find an outlet for all the likely anger and guilt she is harbouring, even if it currently is subconscious. I'll let it burn her soul and release the fire and flames to some other human, not me.

Onward with the day of Christmas leftovers and positive energy! 

Peace to all


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

The the advice of it all bring her fault is some of the best. I completely agree. We may have had issues on either side of not meeting each others emotional or physical needs. Young kids and both working running a restaurant (its not a job its a lifestyle!) 

None of this is and cannot ever be excuse for a husband or wife looking outside the marriage, especially if there hasn't really been major issues (no violence, substance abuse or just tension and arguments in the home) 

Somewhat almost find it funny thinking about them sat in a cold car watching netflix because they both probably are in some kind of fog and truly believe they are soulmates. 

She does have a journal of sorts for her spiritual practices centred around the zodiac and phases of the moon and includes her daily gratitude list. This isn't a new thing and something at the start of the split I though would help me get inside her head. 

I now realise I don't want or need access to anything like this. Mainly as regardless to her behaviours, this is a private book for her and it serves me no purpose other than to snoop. But this book did confirm how she feels her and the other guy "adore each other" and other such usual bits pertaining to deeper emotional connections and feeling valued etc.

Spirituality can be great and had helped me become more centred during this process. However, I am also aware myself that it is easy to take what you feel is relevant to you as gospel and disregard anything else.

Onwards!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Five months ago, you decided that because you didn't like your job that your wife would become the primary breadwinner forever and you would eventually start some kind of business to bring in "extra income". Though, your wife agreed to you becoming a SAHD and house husband, it appears she really wasn't on board with the full responsibility of providing for a family of 5. 

You may want to rethink your life goal of having a woman support you and your offspring. At 35, it shouldn't be too hard for you to start a fulfilling career.

Your wife went about this the wrong way; but, now you know that your goals do not match. Good luck in your future life.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> My ex wife tried it. When she was tired of being married, she found herself an affair partner and walked out. Maybe a month later, she regretted it and tried to work things out. She was rather persistent and when I found myself single again, I spent a little time with her at least but never had intentions of being married to her anymore.


Put her in rotation with the other girls in your life. Rock her world in the sack so when you find a new girlfriend and stop with her maybe she will have more regret.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You said tge daughter is aware. She knows a divorce is coming but does she know it is because mom has a boyfriend at work that she has been going out to be with?


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Five months ago, you decided that because you didn't like your job that your wife would become the primary breadwinner forever and you would eventually start some kind of business to bring in "extra income". Though, your wife agreed to you becoming a SAHD and house husband, it appears she really wasn't on board with the full responsibility of providing for a family of 5.
> 
> You may want to rethink your life goal of having a woman support you and your offspring. At 35, it shouldn't be too hard for you to start a fulfilling career.
> 
> Your wife went about this the wrong way; but, now you know that your goals do not match. Good luck in your future life.



Where did I say that was a life goal? Apologies if I did.

It was her suggestion to work full time and myself leave where I was working, not mine. 

And myself take on homeschooling full time for our 3 children. I had previously worked long hours at general manager level in hospitality. 

And I agree she may have not been fully on-board. And I know the transition of roles is a likely contributor to issues. I did regularly check in with her in a sincere way of how work was, and options of myself working again full time or us both (like we planned - working approx 25-30 hours each a week to enable us to spend family time together and work towards a life that aligns with our ethical views - eco friendly in the long term self sustainability growing own food etc) 

Apologies if the original post had come accross in the way that I had told her I want to become a man of leisure and have her work and thats that. Certainly not the case! 

Thanks for your time to read, I really appreciate it - especially on boxing day!


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> You said tge daughter is aware. She knows a divorce is coming but does she know it is because mom has a boyfriend at work that she has been going out to be with?


Nope. Unless the wife has told her behind my back, which I'd say is extremely unlikely.


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Update to my journal/place to vent.

Thanks again to anyone who has read or chipped in. Appreciate anyone taking tome from their day to do so..

Christmas passed without any real major drama or issue at home. Kids had a wonderful couple of days, the wife quite often was making small situations into potentially quite tense ones.... I continued to remain as emotionally neutral as possible, slapped a big smile in and diverted my attention off her ASAP.

Oddly however, last night when brushing my teeth etc before bed (our bathroom is downstairs and she is sleeping down there currently and she was sat in bed).. when I came out to go upstairs I got stopped and in an pretty unsavoury tone got asked "why have you been drinking spirits in the bathroom?!" 

I was baffled, I rarely drink and had one amaretto and juice on the evening with dinner. She knows I haven't really drank in about 6 months ago when I dropped the booze to shed a few pounds. 

I used to drink a fair bit when we met, but nothing excessive and most if not all evenings was spent inside with the family and not off out in bars or pubs.

After obviously pointing out the bottle of spirits is still in the fridge and I'm baffled that her mind would think that, let alone yell it at me in a almost "I know this is what you are doing so why are you doing it way" 

I shook my head at her in disbelief and went upstairs to chill with the kids. 

When I returned down not long after she apologised in the same tone a wife would ask you if she was trying to be sweet. "Sorry I was being a ****" she said, with large saucers for eyes.

Simply said "okay" and let the dog out to do her business and said no more. 

Part of me went to bed thinking "glad she's been so disrespectful as this will act as a reminder to knock you back from a pedestal when my brain temporarily tries to put you back on it" 

Part of me wanted to remind her that if I felt the desire to drink neat spirits I'd choose to do it sat on the sofa when the kids was in bed. And part wished to really slam her verbally for even suggesting such a thing.

I chose the option of simply pointing out facts as to why this wasn't true, and left.


Any thoughts from anyone here as to why she would blurt out something like this?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

She is wanting your attention and if you fight with her, she is getting your attention.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

People would rather have the carrot rather than the stick but the would settle for the stick rather than no attention. Stay the course.


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## Shangri-La (Dec 23, 2020)

Thanks, assumed this would be as much. Almost like a child it feels... bad attention is better than none! 

Same with herself bringing a ton of boxes back from work for when she moves out. If not even found a place to rent yet preparing to pack? 

It's not going to be because she feels I am digging my heels or in denial over this as I haven't once in about 7 weeks since this happened made any attempt to be emotionally or physically close to her. 

Not sure if its a similar attention grab or just a desire for her to get out so she can start her new and wonderful life with a guy fresh out of Uni. Hopefully the latter as although her energies will be wasted trying to mess with my head it is pretty tiring on ones soul.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

There is also a good chance she is looking for ways to vilify you. It's easier for her to justify treating you like crap when she can convince herself and others that you are just a POS.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Shangri-La said:


> Nope. Unless the wife has told her behind my back, which I'd say is extremely unlikely.


Why have you not told the daughter why? Kids should know why their world is blowing up. You need to tell kids in age appropriate ways. Mom may be villifying you and making it all your fault. If i were a child in this situation and my dad did not tell me i would feel betrayed by him too for withholding a secret that will affect me.


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