# I left him--PETRIFIED of being alone



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi there everyone,

I separated from H for a month the second time but reunited after not coping AT ALL on my own. 

I know its not the right reason to be with someone and those who have been left will hate me, but I wasn't coping. I thought this was because we were meant to be together but after being back together for two days I am have major feelings like I am making a mistake. I don't know what to do. I dontthink I can survive on my own.

I have a good job, own my house, but my freinds haven't been there for me at all--they've totally left me at the curb and I cant talk to my family about it because they have their own issues and I stress them out.

I don't know what to do and know that H will always be there for me in ways that everyone else around me isn't being.

What do I do? Any advice would be really appreciated.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I know how hard this is. I know how painful and confusing it can be.

But ...

You *do* need clarity.
You beat yourself up before you left. You beat yourself up while you were gone. You are beating yourself up for going back.

Stop.

Pick one thing, just one, and try to get some clarity over that one thing.
Fear would probably be a good one for you. What are you afraid of? Being alone? Why? 

You're back home. Live with that decision for the time being instead of worrying over that decision. You made it, stick with it for now and don't ruminate about it.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Deejo, reading your post I burst into tears. Thankyou. Why did I cry, because its is so true what you say.

My husband is endlessly understanding and has worked on the issues I rose. He now has a great job. We made love and it was great but this pit in the bottom of my stomach--it does go away when I think of his loyalty and love. I need to focus on that. 

The fear aspect. I know I am scared of being alone because my parents always, without meaning to, made me feel like I cant make a good decision on my own and that I'm fragile. I'm a journalist. I make a decent wage, I keep a home. I know my falue but deep inside I still feel like a complete mess. I fear I will fall apart and end up being the single crazy lady who lives alone. Its silly but I do.

Loyalty is a majr thing for me and I'm not being loyal to my husband. Its not fair on him. I just couldn't belive that in my darkest hour, the only people who were there for me were my sister, (although not completely), and my husband, even though I was tearing his life apart. He was so strong. I love him for that. And I think the pit in the bottom of my stomach is fear also. I need to trust myself, but I've known that for a long time. I just want to feel open and relaxed love for him again.

I have readthat if you fix yourself first, most of the problems will go away. I do have a plan, but it is really impacting realising your freinds are crappy and you can only depend on yourself. That is scary... Thankyou Deejo. I cant thank you enough.

Focus on why the fear factor is so strong. Figure it out and move on to the next issue.

If you were in front of me I'd give you a big bear hug. Thanks again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm not sure why you left? 

Fixing yourself is the key or "work" on fixing yourself. Individual counseling may help you discover your resistance to being alone. 

It sounds like you are an independent person already with work and home ownership. Perhaps you are scared about taking it to the next level. 

Friends will usually only go so far. You have to depend on yourself....this is what I found also.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Thanks Corpuswife,

The reason I left was that, after four years of working on the relationship, I ran out of steam. In the last three or so years, I stopped being attracted to him-his quirks and lack of confidence dragged me down. I was always pushing th relationship forward .

But I stayed because I lvoed him as a person, and loved what we had, but after going through hell with the discovery of his Rheumatoid Arthritis, it all fell apart like a loose thread--before my eyes.

I have realised now that I focussed on all of the wrong things. I focussed on career, I focused on keeping the family happy, on looking like a 'together' husband and wife.

Really, I am a creative writer who couldn't give a tosh about journalism--and I'm telling you countless journos are failed novelists fading into shdows with every story they write.

But, I can fix that and am in the throws of doing so. The fear factor is trusting myself. The lack of love and gut feeling that the relationship just isn't right--I worry that'll never go away. But my Chaplin tells me you should 'will' to love and then love will return.

I hope this is so.

Fear of being alone?

I can't answer that one, but I know it isn't good. I've always felt alone, I guess, and when I met H, I thought I'd found my twin. 

So obessed with making it work, even when I realised it wasn't really great, I faked it. I faked it to his family, to his friends, to my freinds, to him, my family. F#$ked! 

Why did I do that? I didn't want to believe my fantasy was crumbling. And his freinds had been so mean, his mum and dad were so difficult... my family didn't like him really... now they love him.

After writing that it is obvious that everyone saw through the B.S.

I am afriad that if I leave him for good, I'll end up alone for good.

We are going to councelling on the 22nd so we'll see.

But learning to depend on myself alone is a big one---separation really does make you evaluate EVERYTHING! It's good, in an excrutiating, frightening, spell-binding, confusing, stressful way.

S


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Have you thought about counseling for yourself? It seems like you have some issues that need to be cleared up. Once you fix yourself, and you cannot fix someone else, things should start to loook better.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I totally agree dcrim. I went to a councillor and she was hopeless! But I am going to try a few others. I have a few numbers. And I realised that my original goal was to do honours and then a PHD in creative writing and eventually become a Creative Writing Professor.

So, I'm gonna go and do that. I'm really lucky that my house was worth nothing when I bought it so I don't have a mortgage any more so I could pull it off.

Just thinking about doing that, helping kids stay inspired, working with words creatively... it all fills me with joy.

Another thing is that I realised I've been unhappy for about three years and that coincides with my journalism degree.

H has his own crap but he is really working on that. I'm sick of talking about negative crap anyway.

So, Honours, or as you guys spell it, Honors, next year, part time work somewhere... work on my novel and screen play.

Become a professional academic. Sounds like a cool direction to me.

You gotta love yourself. Once that is organised and I quit my job, I know I'll have more clarity as to whether H and I can work it out.

Thanks guys,
S


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## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

overitnolove, guys really do think differently.. have you read Why MARS & VENUS Collide and divorce busting. It really opens my eyes to see how women think and why my actions were upsetting my wife.

If you haven't read it. Please read them to understand from the husband side. Also ask your husband to read it so both of you can understand how the others acted the way they were.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Ok Baisser... I'll buy it on Saturday.

I'll do anything. Still not happy with him or without him. Guess that's something.

He came over today and I cried and he gave me big hugs. It was nice.

I used to be so strong. I need to build myself back up again I guess.

Hope you're doing well.

S


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If your job was going well and you were making GOOD money, had lots of work and busy, I am betting none of this would be a problem.
Remember the economy is bad, people are cutting back, jobs are being lost.
To help you out you can maybe opt for a room mate for awhile, so you aren't broke, but getting back with him because you feel if you don't.. you could remain single is a bad idea.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I am in a similar situation. I seperated for 6 months in 2007. then again late in 2008 for 5 months....then came back (combo of afraid of being alone, we have 2 kids though and limited $). 

Similar to you, as soon as i was back the 2nd time I was regretting every second of it. We have gone to counselling and all I feel right now is that I need to get out. 

I enjoy myself in certain situations but when I am at home around her I just don't and like you I have a sickness in my stomach. She is a nice person but after 15+ years of marriage I guess I have moved on...... 

What can we (you and me) do to cope differently when back out alone? Come up with a plan before you go! I am trying to work out a "worst case" plan of what will occupy my time and keep me positive. how about you?



overitnolove said:


> Hi there everyone,
> 
> I separated from H for a month the second time but reunited after not coping AT ALL on my own.
> 
> I know its not the right reason to be with someone and those who have been left will hate me, but I wasn't coping. I thought this was because we were meant to be together but after being back together for two days I am have major feelings like I am making a mistake. I don't know what to do. I dontthink I can survive on my own.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

HELP ME. said:


> What can we (you and me) do to cope differently when back out alone? Come up with a plan before you go! I am trying to work out a "worst case" plan of what will occupy my time and keep me positive. how about you?


You may want to check out meetup.com. I had heard of this site but never visited it until today when someone posted about it. I ended up joining the Separated/Divorced group in my local area. There are lots of other groups for specific interests.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I think finding a good councellor is important, not talking in too much detail to your friends about it is important, getting a goal that opitimizes who you are, the person you lost, when comprimising the hell out of yourself, is important.

I saw H the other day and I just cried. He is SO KIND. It just breaks my heart. He has finally realised what a wanker he was being all of that time but b/c I moved on in my heart years ago and am just not attracted to him anymore, if feels too late.

I need to see a couincellor and not be with anyone for at lest a year, I'm thinking. This whole thing has Royally screwed me up.

But, 31 is better than 41, 41 is better than 51, 51 is better than 61...

Chat later guys xxx


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## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

I've been going to meetup. It's okay, get your mind off for a couple of hours. you can find people to go out and drink or dinner with you but then sometime it felt even worst when you realized you are just around strangers. 

I am still doing it to keep me busy

a few individual you meet at every meetup seems really really weird and strange...


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

baissier said:


> a few individual you meet at every meetup seems really really weird and strange...


I think that's true everywhere I go!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

No one knows for sure what the future holds for them, but you can shape it to what you want to a certain degree. But the past is different, can't be changed. You KNOW you have been unhappy for the past three years, do you want the next three years to be the same? How about the next ten? The rest of your life? You seem to have confidence issues, you seem to need and depend on others for reassurance. This is just my opinion, so please do not be offended, but I think you need to be alone for awhile, learn to steer your own boat per say. 

Don't be afraid of the future but embrace it, set goals and work toward them. I have found that reaching a goal isn't the real point, it's appreciating the journey of getting there, do you understand what that means? 

Example; You want to be a writer, on your way there you will need an education so you attend classes, maybe you volunteer to read stories at a local school or senior center, get a job at a small town newspaper or even writing adds of some sort, maybe volunteer to tutor people in need. Doing research for a story you travel to where?????, maybe interview who???. In the end maybe you get a story or book published or that coveted job writing for a famous publication, goal reached. But the journey of getting there was the real prize, you were busy living life, helping others, meeting people, seeing new things and having new experiences. Those events are the memories of living your life.

But for that to happen you need to have the confidence to open doors and step thru them. You are not happy where you are right now, find a new door and start your journey. 

Find a conselor, find a support group, make a new friend, I think you just need a little help in unlocking that first door.

Good luck,
Cooper


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Thanks Cooper,

You're dead right. I have massive confidence issues. Actively controling the direction of my own life on my own frightens the hell out of me.

I think I need to get over that before I can make an informed choice.

Take care,

S


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have an irrational fear of being alone--you jump to the worst-case scenario, being a crazy old lady on the streets, or whatever. Please read some books on cognitive therapy and find a counselor to help you with that type of thinking--it can be changed. Once you are willing to face the fear-with positive self-talk, you will reach that point--then you add the 'behavioral" component and live as though you aren't afraid to be alone, then you will discover you are NOT afraid to be alone. If you wait until you have "no fear" of being alone, you might not ever take that risk. 

It also sounds like you and your dh are co-dependent. His "strength" is not consistent with your description of him as being dependent on you. But he steps up to the plate to keep you from leaving--that's not necessarily out of his "love" for you; it can just as easily be out of his "need" for you. You do not sound like you love him or truly WANT him; you just "need" not to be alone. Take courage, get counseling, find some new friends (!!!!!) and take one step at a time to a new life. Best of luck.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

It can be so frightening to face things alone. I know that. I feel it too. Just take things one day at a time for a bit if you feel like the future is too scary to face all at once.

You never know, you might even find that you are happier by yourself, especially if you havent been in a long long time.

I know its really hard to make new friends if your mind is geared in a certain manner, but Sister is right, you need new ones. If your current ones wont listen to your trouble and worries thats kinda sad. I really feel for ya.

Take Care

M


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Thanks M and Sisters,

Sisters, you are right in what you say. Just admitting where I'm at is scary. I avoided a phone call from a friend b/c she is really honest and I didn't want to hear what she had to say.

_His "strength" is not consistent with your description of him as being dependent on you. But he steps up to the plate to keep you from leaving--that's not necessarily out of his "love" for you; it can just as easily be out of his "need" for you. _

The above really sums a lot of thing up in regards to him. He was being really weak and passive and making me do everything and as soon as I ask him to leave he is doing all of these things for me. Smething to think about really.

It is so nice to hear from you guys. The two of you have really been there for me. Thanks!!!

I need to go back to individual councelling. Gotta have the courage to hear what I don't want to admit to myself!

Love to you both,

S


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

No problem S.

I feel like if I made someone elses day just a little bit better, then I feel better about myself. I brightens my day as well.

BTW: How did your weekend away go? Hope you had a great time and were able to relax. Or did I ask you that already..LOL
I honestly forget:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are welcome. It's sometimes easier to see things from an outsider's perspective, but then, we outsiders don't know all the details. That's why mutiple perspectives can be helpful. You can try various options, find what fits you best. But you sound like someone who is very "together" except for this irrational fear of being alone. If you can, get a dog (medium sized) to live with you, or room mates to ease the transition to being alone. I was always afraid of being alone at night, and my dog--though born deaf--was a huge comfort to me. I got over it, eventually, but that made it easier. A herding breed is best; they are protective but in a very good way if properly socialized--they will like people but still put you as their only "duty" and they'll watch to make sure you are physically safe; they won't be too aggressive unless they have a very good reason. Best example: my 2nd dog (same breed as my first, an australian shepherd) saw a neighbor she LOVED grab my son. The dog jumped down a 12 foot embankment and stood on-the-ready right by the pair, attentive but not aggressive. When she saw my son was laughing and our friend was not a threat, she relaxed, but stayed with them until my son walked away. It was very reassuring, to say the least. A decent sized dog is a deterrent to any potential threat; there are always easier targets than someone with a dog that needs to be dealt with. Just one idea. Roommates are good, too, if you can find some you are compatible with--don't have to be best friends, just have to be able to live together and observe the same rules of a household. 

Stay in touch!


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## toashamed (Jul 19, 2009)

You talk about him as if your still in love with him. My advice would be therapy. And open up to them fully, lay it all on the table. After time try to get him to go with you. I'm in my second session of therapy and opened up fully, and it has been very enlightening. I'm deeply sorry for your pain.


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