# Wife and the Ex-Boyfriend



## MrDiddle (Nov 20, 2012)

Hi All

Firstly a little background on me and my marriage. I have been married for 7 years and have been together with my wife for 9. We have had an extremely strong relationship in that time that has only got stronger due to various things. She has got endemetriosis that made it incredibly difficult to conceive. We had our first child naturally, then had an ectopic pregnancy (Which was awful). We finally had twins a couple of years after via IVF. At the end of last year my wife suffered from severe depression which I believe was largely to do with all the stress of trying for kids. Eventually after several months treatment she came out of it. She has now got a part time job and seems to be enjoying it immensely.

A couple of months back she reconnected with her first boyfriend from school via facebook. She told me she had her first kiss with him when she was 12. At the time I had absolutely no problem with this as I trusted her implicitly. He works all over the UK and he had some business locally to where we live. He came to stay round at ours and seemed like a nice chap - a fiancee, 4 kids etc etc.

A couple of weeks after his visit, I noticed some very subtle changes in my wife's behavior - most noticeably that she always kept her phone with her no matter what, as well as other little things like changes in her appearance etc. At the time it didn't really ring any alarm bells and so thought nothing of it.

My wife then informed me that he was going to come down and stay again, which again I was fine with. So he came down to stay with a co-worker. The co-worker stayed in our spare room and he took residence on the couch. Just as it came to bed time, my wife started behaving incredibly strangely. At this point I felt something was up. I offered to sort out bedding for her friend and lock up (I normally lock up). She insisted she dealt with all this and told me to go up to bed and she'd be up in a minute. We had all had a bit to drink and by this point her friend was laid on the sofa in an apparent drunken stupor. So I went on up to bed, feeling rather uncomfortable about things. I then proceeded to wait for about 15 minutes to see whether she would come up. She didn't. I then crept downstairs as I really did feel something was up. They were both in our dining room, his bedding laid out all ready and I could see no activity as the dining room door was ajar. So I walked in the room. They both looked incredibly jumpy when I walked in. He had mysteriously snapped out of his drunken state and was busy looking for his phone. I asked what was going on, and was told nothing. My wife and I then proceeded to go off to bed, and we both had a rather big argument. Whilst I hadnt seen anything I asked her what was going on. She denied anything had taken place, told me that her body and her heart were mine and that I was being stupid.

A few days passed, and I did not really feel at ease with what had gone on. I took the decision to log onto her facebook to see if anything was going on. There were LOADS of messages in her inbox to and from the ex. Whilst none of them were incriminating, there were lots of "call me" messages, lots of kisses and generally lots of messages between the two of them.

I waited another couple of days, as I wanted to find out whether anything actually had gone on between the two of them. A message from the ex appeared saying "What where you trying to tell me the other night when your husband walked in". Whilst it was not an incriminating message, I felt I had seen enough to confront my wife about it.

When I did confront her, I was met with a wall of denial and anger that I had logged onto her facebook. She assured me nothing had happened and that she was "mine" for the keeping. This was still not enough for me, and so one evening after she had gone to bed, I crept into our room and took her iPhone and ran a backup on it. I am rather computer literate and so was able to back the phone up quickly, place it back beside the bed and then was able to browse the backups. On iPhones, even if you delete sms messages they are not deleted from the phone. I was able to recover a load of deleted messages she had sent and recieved from her ex. They were not good. One message sent from her to him stood out from the rest:

"I don't know I just feel like I want you to myself for a while and do things to you that I am really not allowed to x :-0"

The trail went on for a few more messages where they both confessed to their attraction for each other. This was absolutely heartbreaking to see as you can imagine.

I confronted my wife about this. We had a massive argument about it. She tried to assure me it was nothing more than loneliness and that she would never have taken it any further. At this point, sadly the trust had been completely broken from both sides - from my wifes point of view I had invaded her privacy (Which I had, and with good reason) and from mine that she was sharing extremely intimate messages with another man. I once again raised the whole thing about his visit, and she once again denied everything.

To cut a long story short, we are still trying to move on and there are still hiccups along the way. There have been several occasions since where I have discovered that she has still been in contact with him. Each time I have confronted her about it she has told me nothing has been going on and it was just innocent and hes a friend. I have been accused of being jealous and that I am making things more difficult than they needed to be. The last time it happened, I noticed she was playing on a facebook game against him an awful lot (as it shows up on my newsfeed). Upon logging into her account I found that there was chat functionality on there and they had been talking. 

Before, when I had found out about them still communicating I had been calm and collected about things. This time I completely blew my top. I felt the previous times she had not listened to any of my concerns and had also said a lot of things to me to get me to back off. As with previous times, I told her to end the friendship immediately. I then told her if I found out any more communication was to happen after this, then I would get in touch with the ex boyfriends other half and tell her what has been going on. I also told her it was her last chance and I would leave her and end the marriage.

Its now been 3 weeks since my outburst. My wife called him the very next day (Presumably to end whatever was going on) and then proceeded to tell me she had called him. Since then things seemed to have quietened down. 

Whilst I don't think a physical affair took place, I know an emotional one did. 

I am a loving husband, I dote over our kids. I am more attentive when most when it comes to meeting my wife's needs. We have a great sex life. But I am really having problems coming to terms with what has happened. I want to let go and move on but don't really know how. I still log onto her facebook periodically and check her phone records, but this is becoming less and less as time goes by. My trust has been severely betrayed and my head messed with. If anyone has any advice on what I should do next I would appreciate the response.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Here are the cliff notes:

1) Your wife is having an emotional affair - that is infidelity. It is NOT INNOCENT friend talk

2) Privacy in a marriage is a farce. Both of you should be open books to each other in your communications to other people. Tell her she's full of sh!t if she believes things should be kept from you.

3) You'll never reconcile fully with your wife unless the BF is out of the picture completely.

4) For a successful R - she needs to recognize that what she did was wrong, she should deeply regret hurting you, she should send him a NC letter that you personally witness, your communications to anyone should be transparent - both you and her, and you need to dedicate time to spend between the two of you to maintain that connection. 

5) Temporarily, you and her need to hash through everything to figure out why she feels this urge to reconnect with her BF. If this is swept under the rug, she may try to cheat on you again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep in ind that this kind of thing is addicting.

So a few questions;
1) Did you see the last text were she broke it off? If not there is a strong possiblity that it went deeper underground and are using other forms of communication like a burner phone (I suggest a VAR Voice Activated Recorder be planted in her car under her seat and at home were she takes her calls).

2)Has she made an apointment for counseling to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage in the future? If not this will happen again, maybe years from now with someone different.

3)Would you reconsider exposing the affiar to the OM (other man) wife or GF? This will help give you an extra set of eyes on this affair from starting back up and you and the OM wife/GF could compare notes to see how far things really went. Expose is the best way to insure the affair doesn;t start back up when the OM throw your wife under the bus to try and save his own relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short, your wife needs more consequences to change her behavior. Don't sweep this under the rug, it will happen again if you do!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*To cut a long story short, we are still trying to move on and there are still hiccups along the way. There have been several occasions since where I have discovered that she has still been in contact with him.*

No dice. 

This is a non-negotiable.

Right now, she is having her cake and eating it too because you have no stayed firm. So set your boundaries w/ consequences and stick to them.

You absolutely have NO marriage as long s she's still in contact with him. It's as simple as that. YES they were doing and are still doing dirt behind you back and right in front of your face. So tell her the bucks stops here. 

You deserve better. Tell her that. 

Do this in a non-shouty way. Be calm. Be firm. Tell her what you will and will not tolerate. 

Oh, and tell his fiance. She has a right to know what this dude is up to. Tell the fiance w/o any warning to your wife or to this "chap." That way they don't have time to corroborate their stories and make you out to be the crazy/jealous husband (what your wife is already doing right now).

Oh and it goes w/o saying but: WHY THE F did you let her ex lover stay in yur house???? No more overnights. No more contact whatsoever. I think it takes a very special kind of devious person to invite the former/current lover into the home so you can do nasty things with them in the marital home. Sadly, your wife falls in that category. Yes, all cheating is bad. But actively inviting someone into your home to cheat with your spouse there is soooo dirty. A woman who respected you even a little would have never ever even imagined suggesting such a thing to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> .
> 
> 3) You'll never reconcile fully with your wife unless the BF is out of the picture completely.


:iagree:
:iagree:
:iagree:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Some here will say this is bad advice...

But the next time you find crap on her phone, take a hammer to it...right in front of her. 

Call the cell company and cancel the account. Don't be the one paying for her communications with the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Where were you bandit.45 all these days? We missed you here in CWI.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> At the time I had absolutely no problem with this as I trusted her implicitly.





> He came to stay round at ours and seemed like a nice chap - a fiancee, 4 kids etc etc.





> My wife then informed me that he was going to come down and stay again, which again I was fine with.





> So I went on up to bed, feeling rather uncomfortable about things. I then proceeded to wait for about 15 minutes to see whether she would come up.





> She denied anything had taken place, told me that her body and her heart were mine and that I was being stupid.





> She tried to assure me it was nothing more than loneliness and that she would never have taken it any further.





> I once again raised the whole thing about his visit, and she once again denied everything.





> My wife called him the very next day (Presumably to end whatever was going on)


You are such a "nice guy"!

Please understand i'm not saying this in a good way.




> I am a loving husband, I dote over our kids. I am more attentive when most when it comes to meeting my wife's needs.


So, basically you rewarded your wife's behavior being a better husband. You may want to think on what you just taught her!

BTW, a partner that is cheating doesn't get to feel outraged by violation of privacy. That's bullsh!t.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Agree with ALL the above. It's not over - not by a long shot.

Tell her if she wants to know what real loneliness is to keep lying to you and she can find out. Your marriage is at a cross road and she's looking hard at the road that doesn't include you 100%.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Did she really equate reading her text messages with her emotional affair with the ex boyfriend?

Do not rugsweep this and "move on". I don't think she realises the severity of her actions and this is confirmed by the fact she's still in contact with him (wouldn't be surprised if they took it underground).


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Very, very careful. Not over.

NC letter (ask for templates).
Complete transparence from now on
Full disclosure and taking personal responsability.
Not Just friends, by Shirley Glass.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Where were you bandit.45 all these days? We missed you here in CWI.


I was kidnapped and held hostage by a group of neo-feminist Croatian dwarf women. Its too painful to discuss right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

One more thing, do not, I repeat, *do not* kneel to her gaslighting. She will say that you're being controlling and jealous all to justify the affair in her mind. She will guilt you into silence and this is the worst thing that could happen.

She's using other methods to stay in communication as you've mentioned and has zero intention to stop. A person who has regret for their actions, not even remorse would've proactively given up their phone/passwords as a token of transparency and reassurance. 

You need to put your size 14 boots on and lay down an ultimatum that she stops contact with him completely. I think you should forward his finance these messages. She should at least know who she's getting married to. 

Mr Diddle, I assure you, if your wife remains in contact with this man, the affair will turn physical. You know what all men are after in the end.


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## MrDiddle (Nov 20, 2012)

Thank you all for your insight so far. Some interesting comments which I will be definately following up.

A quick follow up on what I wrote before:

I have made it abundantly clear to my wife that the buck stops with her. I have told her in no uncertain terms what she HAS to do in order to keep me. I have told her I will leave if I find out anything else. The ball is now in her court with that one, and I have to trust she is doing the right thing. I am however still monitoring her movements and will do until such time that I feel better about things.

I am not stupid. If something does / is happening I will find out.

To be honest I am not asking you all for your opinions on how to cope with what has already been done - its already happened. I am asking for how to deal with the aftermath. I am finding it hard, very very hard.


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## MrDiddle (Nov 20, 2012)

And yes complexity, I know exactly what you mean!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I doubt her EA/PA is over. It looks like she took it underground. Look for a burner phone in her car. Place A VAR in her car while you are there. Install a keylogger on the computer. Don't reveal any of your sources.

Let her know how badly she has damaged your trust and relationship, and that she has no right to be offended that you caught her effing around. If she decides to tell you you're being a prick again file for D and go 180 on her. Don't let up until she shows real regret.

The other option is to be her faithful loving cuckold...

I'm sorry you are here. I can tell you from your post that you are on the tip of the iceberg.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

MrDiddle said:


> Thank you all for your insight so far. Some interesting comments which I will be definately following up.
> 
> A quick follow up on what I wrote before:
> 
> ...


You can't deal with it yet.

You need to be in an R or seperating to deal with it. You are in limbo because you have not kicked her to the curb, and she has not shown remorse to where an R is conceivable. Until one of those two things happen you will suffer and have no closure.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You deal with the aftermath by not taking any shyte from her from this time forwards. You see, she thinks she has your number, that she has you calmed down and satisfied. 

Let her think that. But be working behind the scenes to watch her e-mails, texts and correspondences. There is no privacy in a marriage. None. She either accepts that or you pay a visit to a solicitor. Plain and simple. 

Make her understand this. Clearly define your boundaries. Write them out and hand the list to her. And if she steps over those boundaries, follow thru with your promises to divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

in the aftermath...

Start isolating protecting your finances and assets. Do not have joint bank accounts, joint credit cards, joint debts/loans.

Reconsider your beneficiaries of your insurance, savings, etc. Rewrite your will.


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## MrDiddle (Nov 20, 2012)

I agree there is no privacy in a marriage. So much so I took a lot of the privacy anger she vented with a pinch of salt and carried on keeping tabs, and I still am.

She knows whats at stake if she carries on. I have 3 kids that I love dearly, and a wife that I do to. But make no mistake, I wont put up with anything else. I made that clear. She knows full well it HAS/HAD to stop. I will not hesitate to leave if anything else happens. I would much rather my kids had parents that were seperated and happy than together and not. She would be up a creek without a paddle if that happened. I have an excellent lawyer!

However I do want this marriage to work so I have to trust she has now done the right thing, otherwise whats the point?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> I was kidnapped and held hostage by a group of neo-feminist Croatian dwarf women. Its too painful to discuss right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This happened to me in a elevator in Vegas....

sorry for the thread jack.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> This happened to me in a elevator in Vegas....
> 
> sorry for the thread jack.


Hey! That's where they got me! Wow. Small world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just a little levity to ease the dark mood Mr. Diddle. Half of us on this board are whackos.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MrDiddle said:


> Thank you all for your insight so far. Some interesting comments which I will be definately following up.
> 
> A quick follow up on what I wrote before:
> 
> ...


Mr Diddle

I need to guide you properly.


> I have told her I will leave if I find out anything else.


*"I have told her she will have to leave if I find out anything else!"*

If she disrespects the marriage then make her leave!!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Started to read the opening post and came to this :



> A couple of months back she reconnected with her first boyfriend from school


My immediate thought was NFW. This should be out of bounds. EXs IMO have no place in a marriage unless there are children between them and even then limited to only what is absolutely required.

So ok I will read some more but if you had posted just that on here many of us would have said no way.

This is especially true as you have entered the realm of having a couple of kids and hitting the seven year mark in marriage. Nine years together. So many threads begin with :

I have been married for 10 years to my wonderful wife and we have two amazing children. My wife has connected on FB with an old BF ....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> *To cut a long story short, we are still trying to move on and there are still hiccups along the way. There have been several occasions since where I have discovered that she has still been in contact with him.*
> 
> No dice.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And what did his fiancée say when you outed him to her? Oh. You didn't do that, yet?

Don't let her live in ignorance, mate! 

Your wife is probably not the only really, really special first love he is involved with. 

Your wife thinks she is special to him. Yes, of course she is! 

And you might like to ask her how comfortable she is with her cheating on her own children as well as her husband?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You absolutely need to expose the OM to his wife/gf if he has one.

Do not warn your wife that you are going to do this. She didn't notify you that was going to have an affair.

You absolutely need to dump the silly notion of privacy in marriage. In fact you've now learned that the kind of privacy you wife wants is secrecy. Privacy is being alone to go the bathroom. Secrecy is having freedom to have an affair behind your spouses back and your spouse being to afraid to discover it and call you on your betrayal.

So yes, your wife wants her privacy (secrecy) because she fully intends to continue this affair.

She will take is underground. Either on a burner phone or a app that allows messaging.

- no trips or over nights for her. She's going to using it to hook up.

- get your phone bill and start data mining it. You are looking for numbers that get too much use.

- search her car. You are looking for phones and phone chargers.

- expose the OM. Do not ask permission to do it. Do no tell her you've done it. Just do it.

- put a VAR in her car and if you can a GPS tracker too. Her car is her safe place she use to contact him and visit him.

- It's obvious the visit to your house was setup between the two of them. Think about that - your wife conspired to bring another man into your home, right with you there. She was already in the EA with him and she wanted him in her house for the night. Her intentions are quite clear - she intents to have sex with him. It may have already happened.

- your wife must send him a no contact letter which she gives to you and you send.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> There were LOADS of messages in her inbox to and from the ex. *Whilst none of them were incriminating*, there were lots of "call me" messages, *lots of kisses* and generally lots of messages between the two of them.





> A message from the ex appeared saying "What where you trying to tell me the other night when your husband walked in". *Whilst it was not an incriminating message,* I felt I had seen enough to confront my wife about it.



WTF is incriminating then????


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> *Some here will say this is bad advice...*
> 
> But the next time you find crap on her phone, take a hammer to it...right in front of her.
> 
> ...


Nah....
Best advice on this thread so far!

I'm sure she probably thinks her husband is such a 
_" darling gentleman.."
"..Oh my body and heart iis yours..."_

Had he done that phone and hammer thing, just like you said, she would have snapped out of " the fog " immediately.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are basically doing all that you can do---you have laid it out for her----its all on her from now on

What you must do---is stay hardnosed about all of this----do not get lulled by time---and try whatever way you think is best to make sure she hasn't gone underground

The night she went downstairs amidst all her planning and lies, did she ever tell you the WHY---cuz you and her both know she fully intended to cheat, physically, luckily you busted it up---but it would have happened, had you gone to sleep----what does she say to that-----she needs to own up to what she did, or was planning to do

Make sure she understands from now on---she gets no say, in how you treat the mge----this is your ballgame, by your rules, and if you say jump, she says how high----stay tuff, and good luck


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She knows the FB and ipad has been compromised. She will use other means to talk to him. Maybe a secret second phone or a different FB account she uses on the home computer or Skype..There are thousands of ways to carry it underground...

You should have confronted the other man for messing with yuor family

You should tell his fiance regardless of whether you reconcile or separate from your wife

Did she tell you what the call on the last day was about ? Doing it the next day you gave her an ultimatum only tells you how much care she gives about you.She probably is already checked out. You need to very careful with this woman


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

PLan B has the issue tied down. There has been an affair, certainly an emotional one. 
The issue of privacy is fired off when you have them bang to rights, youve done that, well done. In a marridge if there are "privacy issues" then there are secrets they dont want you to lnow that are of a type that are in conflict with marrdge vows.
The requirement to stop ALL communication with this guy is vital and I suspect that she is now working with him to use other ways to do this including a cheap supermarket phone and pay as you go account where air time can be bought whan doing the weekly shop......
She has denied anything happened and clearly does not recognise the emotional affair status , she needs to clearly see that he texts are inviting a sexual connection and therefore IS cheating. 
The issue you have now is that shes and he will go underground and deny everything. Try as suggested working on the guy as wll, break them down in to two seperate people (thye are working togethr at present) and the divide and conquer process can start. A small letter containinh some of the texts to his girlfriend may be required, dont tell her your doing it, just hit it out and then they will not plan a story to cover this , now youll have asecond person on your side and she will deal with her cheating boyfriend and you with your W. Its a tough call because its so destructive a plan, but unless hes out of the way she wont be ready to attend RELATE (UK). You may need to get some basic legal advice, you do have proof, A VAR if used in the UK (I suspect thats where you are) cannot be legaly used and may not be not admissable as evidence.


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