# Pleeasseee help me!!!!



## not_da_average (Jan 30, 2009)

*Is ALL infidelity created EQUAL??*

I'm in desperate need of some unbiased opinions, thoughts, or advice. I have been separated with my wife of 3yrs for almost one full year. During this year we have maintained very close contact but still haven't got back together. We have talked daily and argued almost daily. Some arguments have been very heated and horrible things have been said to one another. Here's the the problem I'm dealing with now....My wife has been seeing and talking to her ex boyfriend "Mike". Her relationship with "Mike" has caused major problems since the very beginning of our relationship. She told me when we were dating that he was a really good friend and they would have sex with each other when one or both of them were not in a committed relationship. I have been against her talking to him but I feel she has never stopped despite her claims that she had. During our marriage and before we separated there have been several situations in which it was confirmed that they were communicating. I have seen sexual text messages in her phone but her part of the conversation had been deleted. She claimed that she was talking sexual but she wasn't. She has accidently sent me a text message and had his number as a "callback" number. When she was pregnant with out child and before we got married he told her that she didn't have to marry me that he would take care of her and the child. We once got into a big argument and she was about to move out and he told her that she could come live with him. She would tell me certain things about him when we have a big argument and later say she did it just to hurt me and that they weren't true. We finally separated in Feb 2008 and I have found out that she has been in close contact with Mike every since then. She added him to her T-Mobile Favorite 5 the very next month after she moved out of our home. Although we have been separated we have always maintained very close contact. We still helped each other out when needed and we still did things together as a family most of the time. There have been plenty weekends that we stayed together. We have only talked divorce during our worst arguments. We both knew that we were talking to other people during this time but she has always made me believe that she was not talking to Mike other than a random text message or email. I recently had access to her phone records and found out that she has been lying BIG TIME. She has talked to this guy almost as frequent as she talked to me. During our separation she has told me things like "One nigh with Mike will reduce you to only a child support check writer and a bad dream". A couple of months later during an argument she told me "That's why I don't feel bad for f*cking Mike last week". She would always later say that she was just trying to make me angry because she knew how sensitive the situation with Mike has been since the beginning of our relationship and she knew it would kill me emotionally. She has now admitted to having sex with Mike in November 2008 but said that he is no longer her friend and will never talk again. She told me in September 2008 that he was no longer her friend and that they wouldn't talk again but she ended up having sex with him a couple months later (by her own admission). We had been separated for 9 months by the time she say she had sex with him. I knew she was talking to other guys and I never figured she wouldn't have sex with someone. I am deeply hurt by the fact that she had sex with Mike though. I feel that this is an ultimate betrayal even though we were separated and I was dating other women. She views sex with Mike as the same as me having sex with any random female. I am so distraught over this. I would feel totally different had it been any other guy in the world. This specific guy has been a constant issue during our dating and marriage. She has constantly lied about being in contact with him during our marriage and separation. I have had sex with another woman since our separation...am I suppose to equate her having sex with Mike as the same as me having sex with someone else? She says its the same thing. I feel like her having sex with Mike means a lot more. What do you think? Please Help!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

First you and your wife need to decide whether or not you want to be in love or be divorced. 

If you want to be in love again - and yes, it's possible if both want it, you are both going to have to make some changes.

Get a counselor - a good one, a neutral friend, something. Someone you can talk to together that will keep it from being a fight and let you both be heard.

She will need to stop seeing mike and be able to PROVE to you she isn't seeing him, to your satisfaction. That way, even when she gets mad and says things to hurt you, you will know it isn't true. 

You will need to stop sleeping with women too. If she needs you to, be able to prove it.

You need to date at least once a week. have fun, be nice to each other. remember that? 

Set some goals, some timelines. Find out from her what you need to change to make her happy and tell her what you need her to change to make you happy. 

If you can agree on it and stick to it, you will be in love again.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Did I read that wrong or did you get married because she was pregnant? If that is the case, in my honest opinion, that is NOT a valid reason to get married.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sprite said:


> Did I read that wrong or did you get married because she was pregnant? If that is the case, in my honest opinion, that is NOT a valid reason to get married.


I agree, I think mike is always going to be an issue that will get in the way. What is keeping you from divorcing her now?

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your post reads like your looking for an arbitrator in an argument as to who was more wrong for screwing someone outside the marriage. :scratchhead: Sorry you are both betraying your vows here. You are correct in that she has an emotional connection to Mike and that further damages the marriage. But if you slept with someone outside the marriage and had no emotional connection to her what does that make you? The lies and statements she makes to intentionally hurt you make me wonder why you’d try and save it in the first place. Couple that with the fact that most of your communication is primarily arguing and that you never state you love her in your post and I’d say no brainer. Both of you should move on and find someone that suites you.


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## not_da_average (Jan 30, 2009)

draconis said:


> I agree, I think mike is always going to be an issue that will get in the way. What is keeping you from divorcing her now?
> 
> draconis


I havent filed for divorce because I do love her and hope that this guy will stop being an issue. He is not the main issue in our failed marriage but always assuming that he is around does not help. My main issue is that her feelings are always a priority over mine. ALWAYS! I'm struggling to get pass her actually having sex with this guy but her refusing to see the magnitude of her having sex with him is crippling. I understand that any sex outside of our marriage is wrong...but for her to have sex with this guy who has constantly been an issue is eating me alive and for her to act like its no different than me having sex with a random chick infuriates me! Are my thoughts irrational? Is it the same?


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

My honest opinion here is that sex outside the marriage is wrong no matter who it is with. If he was an issue from the start he should have been gone and out of the picture before you got married. Wether its someone you have known or just met, it doesn't matter, one is not worse than the other, they are both equally wrong!


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

Sex outside the marriage is sex outside the marriage. _You _are just as guilty. However there is something else you must consider. If she has not had random sex with someone during the marriage, it took an emotional attachment for her to commit infidelity......what did it take for you to do so???

If your marriage is going to work, she will have to cut all ties with Mike. If she cannot do this, my feeling is that the marriage will not work. If her relationship with Mike is more important than the healthy functioning of her family.........what more can I say.

I just have to say....I can't _believe _you would think you are any less guilty. :bsflag:


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

flipflopchic said:


> Sex outside the marriage is sex outside the marriage. _You _are just as guilty. However there is something else you must consider. If she has not had random sex with someone during the marriage, it took an emotional attachment for her to commit infidelity......what did it take for you to do so???
> 
> If your marriage is going to work, she will have to cut all ties with Mike. If she cannot do this, my feeling is that the marriage will not work. If her relationship with Mike is more important than the healthy functioning of her family.........what more can I say.
> 
> I just have to say....I can't _believe _you would think you are any less guilty. :bsflag:


:iagree: and love the BS flag:rofl:


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Get a Divorce

/thread


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## not_da_average (Jan 30, 2009)

I can understand when people say infidelity is infidelity but in reality that's not true for most people. Are u saying that if ur spouse had sex with ur coworker, next door neighbor, or enemy that u would view it as the same as if ur spouse had sex with someone after a few dates? Personally I would rather she had sex with 10 strangers than for her to have sex with someone with an emotional attachment. Not only is there an emotional attachment, its someone that has always been an issue with us. Someone she would bring up during arguments and later say that she only said it to hurt me. It brings in question if things have ever ceased between them or if it ever will.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

not_da_average said:


> I can understand when people say infidelity is infidelity but in reality that's not true for most people.


Apparently the reality of the people who have posted on your thread goes against your theory that “most” people don’t think that infidelity is wrong. I understand what you are saying about the emotional attachment with Mike but you are both guilty in battering this message by sleeping around. You apparently think tit-for-tat is an acceptable means of addressing marital issues. Since you have not said what the other issues are between you I’d be this attitude is a core problem


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

I agree with Amplexor.....this is your core problem.

That and maybe a listening problem.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

not_da_average said:


> I can understand when people say infidelity is infidelity but in reality that's not true for most people. Are u saying that if ur spouse had sex with ur coworker, next door neighbor, or enemy that u would view it as the same as if ur spouse had sex with someone after a few dates? Personally I would rather she had sex with 10 strangers than for her to have sex with someone with an emotional attachment. Not only is there an emotional attachment, its someone that has always been an issue with us. Someone she would bring up during arguments and later say that she only said it to hurt me. It brings in question if things have ever ceased between them or if it ever will.


i see your point a little bit because i think sex with a stranger (as long it's not a prostitute) is not the same as sex with your spouse's friend or family member. However your wife did not sleep with your friend or family member...so i think you are both equally wrong...

you have to understand that women are wired differently than men...most women will find it easier to sleep with someone they have an emotional attachment...even if they don't at beginning, they might after the sex...so if you don't want this to happen, you should make it clear to your wife that even tho you are separated, you still want to stay 100% faithful and work things out...because if you allow each other to see other people, she might get together with some guy whether it's mike or not, she might get emotionally attached to that person

I also think you should be glad it was with Mike and not someone new...There's a reason she never married Mike...There's a reason she chose you over him...He might be a good lover and friend but she might not think he's good husband/boyfriend material...But if she was to hook up with a new guy, she might end up falling for him and thinking he's the one....


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

There is nothing to salvage here. Go your separate ways and move one. You two should NEVER have married. She obviously wasn't over Mike. She was pregnant and was a factor in the decision as well. What kind of woman speaks to her husband as you describe? You both sound selfish and immature. I know this may sound harsh but you both need to grow up. Neither of you have any clue what true and honest love is. Divorce would be the best thing. Make sure you take care of that little one. That child is the real loser in this situation. Next relationship you're in, please heal and deal with the ending of this one emotionally so you'll be ready to invest in a real, emotional healthy person. They and you deserve it!!


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## wifey (Feb 1, 2009)

I think what you are saying can't be truly understood until you have lived that situation. I understand what you are feeling because I have been there. I have been mocked and ridiculed by my husband in reference to his ex girlfriend. I recently found out that he had been screwing her also. I wish like crazy that it was someone else he was cheating with. Anybody else other than the very person he has made me feel less than for the past 5yrs. The feeling is like a cancer that eats away at your heart and self esteem. I suggest that you get out of this relationship and move on. The doubt will always be there if you stay. If Mike has been around for this long then he will probably always be there. Save your sanity and get out! :iagree:


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