# Drifting apart...confused.. did I end up w/ the wrong man??? HELP!



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

After 15 years of marriage + 5 years of dating... my husband and I have slowly drifted apart. what first started as what I thought was just us having individual ideas about things, now is simply leading separate lives under the same roof. We interact when needed... but the relationship is nowhere near normal... we barely talk anymore... I mean together... for deveral years, he's swon less and less signs of interest in anything I do... my work, my hobbies...my thoughts... 
And I feel alone. we sleep at night and he faces the other direction and barely says anything..... I am so lonely and frustrated... we've gone through therapy,discussions.... and it seems it all bottoms down to both of us are not happy with each other but are sticking it out for our kids.... is this right? 
I cry every night out of loneliness and plain sadness of how my marriages is...empty...lonely...and non existent.
I do not have the courage to be the one to call it quits.... but lately, it seems to be on my mind more and more. I am only 39 yrs old and I feel that theres got to be something more in life that 15 yrs spending it in misery and unhappiness....
Dont get me wrong.. I do love him, and I think he loves me... we got marries at 24 and had a child at 25... I think we were both not emotionally mature... and now that we are older, at least for me.... I feel I made the wrong choice...maybe he wasn't the guy for me ...had I knew better, could I have seen this coming???

So confused.. 10 million emotions rushing in... miserable everyday....pls help? Is what I am saying even making sense to anyone??? :scratchhead:


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

savannah said:


> After 15 years of marriage + 5 years of dating... my husband and I have slowly drifted apart. what first started as what I thought was just us having individual ideas about things, now is simply leading separate lives under the same roof. We interact when needed... but the relationship is nowhere near normal... we barely talk anymore... I mean together... for deveral years, he's swon less and less signs of interest in anything I do... my work, my hobbies...my thoughts...
> And I feel alone. we sleep at night and he faces the other direction and barely says anything..... I am so lonely and frustrated... we've gone through therapy,discussions.... and it seems it all bottoms down to both of us are not happy with each other but are sticking it out for our kids.... is this right?
> I cry every night out of loneliness and plain sadness of how my marriages is...empty...lonely...and non existent.
> I do not have the courage to be the one to call it quits.... but lately, it seems to be on my mind more and more. I am only 39 yrs old and I feel that theres got to be something more in life that 15 yrs spending it in misery and unhappiness....
> ...


i been there a few times in my marriage.my husband and i just celabrated 18 years together yesterday.
get the book how to improve your marriage without talking about it by steven stoney and patrica love,awsome book and a bonus if your husband will read it to.but do ask until things improve some first.

someone has to make the first move,unfair yes,but most of the time in relationships like you have,one has to go first.it seemed like ive always been the one to do it,but lately my husband has which i never thought would happen.

while laying in bed,turn to him and cuddle him,give him a back massage.
the next day cook his favorite meal.do little things everyday to show him you care.if he loves you,he will move towards you,it might take him a little longer to put his guard down,but he will.
do not talk about your marriage problems during this time,you have to wait until your relationship is much stronger.read that book first before you talk about anything with him.

how is your sex life?did you turn him away alot in the past before things got bad?

your marriage doesnt have to be loveless and boring,marriage takes work.get working,you can do it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree with Izabella. Sometimes us men have to get whooned as well. You may have inadvertantly be giving off a vibe saying "Don't touch me." And in turn your husband has picked up this. Come on to him, be aggressive to him. What do you have to lose? I would love it if my wife were aggressive to me.


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## gooners20 (Jan 24, 2011)

Do you talk to him? I mean my wife goes through this as well. Do try to find out what is in his mind. Maybe he feels the same way the communication is not there. We as men always have to look for signals with our wives, sometimes if you just ask him point blank what is going on, what does he nedd, what you need, then maybe we do not have to guess. We have so much pressure with our daily lives, but sometimes I feel that the most pressure is at home, which it should not be. Talk to him, ask him straight out, hug him, hold him, mayber he will react and say wow she does care and love me. We are human too, we need affection too.

Good luck


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Thank you all.... funny about your response... I did make the "move" first this evening.... sat beside him and joked a bit, and he smiled... Funny how men can big big babies!

But as encouraging as this was...I still really think we need to connect again... work, kids, daily life took a lot out of what we use to be... I suppose we no longer are the same people we were 20 yrs ago, but I can't imagine the old (young) us aren't still around....We are so pre-occupied with bills, waking up running to work, back home, sleep and doing it all over again the entire week, that our love life became as monotonous as our daily life, in fact it is non existent....

Is this happening to anyone else?


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## gooners20 (Jan 24, 2011)

Yes!!!!! Trust me I am sure a lot of people go through this. I am one of them. See you are right with all the running around and things that pop up, trying to satisfy everyone, we tend to forget the important ones to satisfy. We take for granted what we have and expect them to take it. Them being our spouses. We at times think well he/she wont mind, I am only doing this for now, I will be home soon. What happens we go home, we do not put the same enthusiasm to our spouse. I have done that mistake and I am trying to right my wrong. It is hard as hell, but my wife is worth all my pain, I love her and I really do want to work things out with her. Trust me as a man, I would rather you talk to me then play games and give me the run around and have me guess what is wrong. There is a time for that, but right now the best thing is to be straight forward and tell him how you feel, If he feels you are worth it, which I believe he does, everything will be fine. I am hoping my wife see the change in me. I took things for granted, missed the enthusiasm. I need that back, I want it back. Fight to the end, I believe it will be worth it!

Good Luck!


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