# thinking about separation/divorce



## xocluster (Dec 16, 2011)

my wife and i just had a fight this morning.. one of many. i woke up late for work. the night before i set 2 alarm clocks to wake up. i dont remember hearing either of them on waking up. when i woke up i was frantic and then she asks me why i took our picture off my cellphone. i said the same reason you took the wedding pictures down (they were back up). and then we got frustrated at each other.. she hit me in the face i pushed her back because i am tired of being hit first. i believe shes doing it to test me but she is probably releasing her hurt. she ended up getting her facial creme in my hair, which someone told me about later on. i got mad at her for not waking me up and i think she might have turned my alarms off. i probably will never know.

we have fights like this on the ongoing nowadays. i am bitter at her for alot of things. she is too. on my end.. i dont know if i will ever forgive her having an emotional affair with another guy. she said she wished it was me but it still hurts. she concealed it until i found the diary in the closet. im not sure i will ever be able to trust her ever again. i have witnessed her tell many lies in the past and manipulate alot. i let her into my accounts and she would not let me into hers or see her phone. she impersonated me to speak to my family because she thought they wouldnt believe her. we also dont have the same views on things.. and this has led to many many arguements. 

in the past i have done her wrong.. i have a gaming addiction that i kept from her.. i have told her lies to cover it up bcos i thought she wouldnt like it.. when we started living together she pretended it was ok but it wasnt then it became too much for her and i wouldnt stop. i have gone to get professional help to help stop it.. but i was immature and kept playing.. now i got a job again and am not really playing in an addictive manner. perhaps the attention is switched to the job. 

she says i never stand up for her in front of my family, i feel like she is too insecure and i feel i cant do anything that will change that. someone will ask her a question about her work and she will hold a grudge against it for forever. i try to conform her but it doesnt really work. subsequently i have gone to my family for advice which i guess was a mistake and now she doesnt want to see them anymore.

she says things but they arent set in stone. i hear them and take everything literrally. she will cursed me off when we got into an arguement at the store and i left her to come home. 

anyway sorry i am all over the place. i deeply care about her and feel hurt but i really feel like we need to be apart to grow and we are not really true matches. she insists on always being right and she never apologies for anything. she makes me give in.. she only says sorry when she leaves a note saying i cant live w/ u anymore. we had a beautiful dual reception wedding and i spent so much money that i filed personal bankruptcy after (i was also unemployed, her name is clear and has little debt). now i am with a job and just looking to build some sort of life.

is it possible for me to trust her after she has done those things? idk.

any advice or comments is appreciated, sorry if its hard to read.

i might be moving out tomorrow (which she considers an action toward divorce)


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## xocluster (Dec 16, 2011)

she grew up w/o a father (left at 13) and has had issues w/ her family. i feel like this has led to some issues with our relationship basically b/c of insecurity. i think she needs to live on her own and respect herself more and not seek so much attention.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I see a lot of fault from both of you.

She hits you, you push her. This is dangerous. It’s called physical spousal abuse. You are both guilty of it. 

You are both fighting in a very immature manner. 

If you want to stay with her you need to get her to agree to some things. If either of you cross the line the marriage is over.

No more hitting, shoving, pushing or any other kinds of physical fighting.

Complete transparency. You both have to give each other your passwords to all computers and all accounts. A key logger is installed on all computers. And you both sign a notarized agreement for the consent to the key logger so that one of you cannot try to bring criminal charges against the other. Put in it that the agreement holds until one of you gives the other written withdrawal of consent. Keep your copy of the consent in some place away from your home.. like your office if you can. If one of you withdraws consent… divorce papers will be filed.

You both need to go to MC to learn how to argue. Yes there are rules for healthy arguing and disagreements. Until you do that there cannot be any disagreements or touchy topics brought up. Just agree to live day to day.

She sounds way to sensitive about your family. Why would she get upset if someone asks her about her job? There must be more to this.
I am sure that others will come up with some more good rules to put in place.

Moving out right now is probably a good idea until she agrees to the above. That way she knows you are serious about ending the marriage if she does not agree to making serious changes. .. and it’s both of you who need to do this, not just her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

xocluster said:


> she grew up w/o a father (left at 13) and has had issues w/ her family. i feel like this has led to some issues with our relationship basically b/c of insecurity. i think she needs to live on her own and respect herself more and not seek so much attention.


Just a lot of unnecessary drama.

How old are both of you?


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## xocluster (Dec 16, 2011)

im 28 shes 29.. i feel like ive done her wrong first but she has done more wrong to me. however the relationship has been a rocky road since the beginning. and we may have rushed into marriage. im also regretful that i never showed her good initiation on going out to places etc. maybe thats why shes bitter. idk. but when we get into arguements ive become a person i dont know anymore.. i dont want to be that angry. however i can blame my own immaturity for that part i guess. its just that it seems like she pre-empts it. i think moving out is a good idea cos i need to clear my head.


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## xocluster (Dec 16, 2011)

i dont have many friends.. she is my life. i had a good friend who we met thru.. he was her best friend.. i think they might have had a past. he said he didnt like her. however after we got together we stopped being friends.

i feel shes really immature and unpredictable. she loves surprises. she made me pretend like i got her a dog on christmas when we got it beforehand, to impress my family. (i dont like doing even this kinda of stuff because its deceitful even tho its in good nature)

i was unemployed and living in a computer for a while. i know thats probably my greatest wrong ive done her. and her and her family is probably very bitter towards me for that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your situation is volitile. The hitting/pushing shows that.

See if she will go to a marriage counselor. Even if you live seperate for a while you can do this.


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## xocluster (Dec 16, 2011)

thank you for your advice. i appreciate it.

ok thank you. just for the record i would never really do anything out of control like hit to hurt i just get frustrated. i dont want it to be this way.

but sometimes i squeezed her arms and hurt her. i yelled at her too and hurt her ears after she yelled in my ear.

sigh its very immature.


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## braehead (Dec 16, 2011)

It is difficult to focus on healing if you are also hurting emotionally. A good counselor can help you separate your emotions, set boundaries, and figure out what really irks you about your spouse. Your marriage is precious, which is probably why you entered it in the first place. Most likely, it is also worth saving.

In one of my blog posts, I have a few tips and resources that my help you to find healing and love again. Believe me, it can be done. 

my best to you and your wife,
braehead
Is Your Spouse Having an Emotional Affair? | Stupid Crazy Love - Funny Movie, Serious Matters of Marriage and Relationships


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