# New and needs help.



## mrgilbo (Jul 23, 2011)

Hello.
To give a little background: My husband and I have been together almost three years now. We had an amazing beginning, last lasted well beyond the 'honeymoon stage'. I thought finally here's a guy that proves the others wrong. Until I caught him in a lie, Which turned into many lies. He blamed his ex-girlfriend for emotionally damaging him and I believed him. 
Just when I thought we had got past all that, he starts going out a lot, and met a girl. He swears nothing happen. After more lies and fights we took a break. Which lasted all of two days.
(all of this happened before we were married by the way)

To fast forward we are now married eight months. The fighting has gotten worse, never physical but very aggressive, on both sides. I tried everything I could think of to 'fix' it and nothing has worked. My last attempt is where I am now, I am currently staying with my parents. I told him we are going to take it a week at a time and see what happens before I come back. 

Basically I'm not 100% we are going to make it to our year anniversary. Is this 'break' a waste of our time, should we just walk away? Is there anything I haven't thought of to try and fix this? We cant afford counseling, we don't even have insurance. I really do love him that's why I've tried so hard. Somethings though I don't feel like he loves me back.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I married a liar, too, although he doesn't lie about big things. 

I've considered leaving myself since i don't think a marriage can last if you don't trust the person. It is one thing to try and deal with them on your own but can you imagine bringing a child into that? 

I used to talk to my H a lot about the lying, what we could do, but that has worn off and i'm at the acceptance stage. i know who he is. if you keep trying to fight it, well, you know how ugly that gets. i think eventually you just have to accept that this is who he is and decide if you want to stay.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

My straighfoward opinion-- it's not worth shedding tears for him; he might be fun, attractive, smart but he is incapable of love, dishonest, and disrespectful. Ask yourself if this is what you want and I believe you know the answer. 

1)the ex-girl friend is just a lame excuse. If there were damages, he should make effort to repair them instead of let them hanging around. Do you feel it fair and are you willling to pay whatever damages he claims to be there? 

2) You can not fix him nor fix the relationship alone. He is the one who needs to repair the damage. Until he understands the problem, and is willing to work on it, whatever you do is just exhausting yourself. 

3) It sounds he has the habit of lying and doesn't seem willing to make a change --- can you picture yourself living in his lies, no return of love? 

4) I think you are very brave and did the right thing to walk away from him , making it clear his behaviors are unacceptable. 

5) I understand you love him, which makes things difficult. But what seems difficult decision now might save you heartache in the long run. From what you say-- he sounds to me incapable of love. Are you really in love with this man or are you just in love with the feeling of being in love with him? Without being loved back, how long can your love sustain? 

You can't change him but you have the option to change your own path--
Given a couple of years, when you look back you will thank yourself for removing him from your life. 

Best.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

mrgilbo said:


> Hello.
> To give a little background: My husband and I have been together almost three years now. We had an amazing beginning, last lasted well beyond the 'honeymoon stage'. I thought finally here's a guy that proves the others wrong. Until I caught him in a lie, Which turned into many lies. He blamed his ex-girlfriend for emotionally damaging him and I believed him.


I don't believe people should use excuses in their past to support why they are behaving in a certain way. However, as a person who was in abusive relationships, my husband understands that sometimes I will freak out/be upset/be scared of certain actions at times. It doesn't give me an excuse to be upset at him and it is understood by both of us that this is something I must continue to work on and to find healing from. Over the 5 years that we've been dating (we're just recently married), I've worked hard on healing myself and have made a lot of progress. 

If your husband is saying his ex has done stuff to him that is affecting his actions/thoughts/abilities to be a loving husband towards you, he must help himself. You can't do anything. I adore my husband for trying to help me-- he's talked me through things, researched how to help loved ones with depression and past abuse issues, etc. But really I had to take the steps to heal. My husband has encouraged me to seek help, talk to people, and has prayed over me, but that is really all he could do.

As his wife, you can encourage him to seek the counseling he needs to get over what his ex did to him. If he's willing to actively find counseling and work on himself, I'm sure it can bring healing to himself, which could possibly help bring healing to your marriage.



> Just when I thought we had got past all that, he starts going out a lot, and met a girl. He swears nothing happen. After more lies and fights we took a break. Which lasted all of two days.
> (all of this happened before we were married by the way)


If my husband and I were in this situation, I'd be surprised we were bringing up old stuff from when we were dating/not dating. 

I'm not sure what lies he's told you, but I would encourage you to make sure that they truly are lies (has he confessed they are lies??) before accusing him. I can see how a husband would be fearful and might even feel that he needs to lie to his wife if his wife is accusing him of being a liar when he's telling the truth. 

Before we were married, my husband got into some bad money issues and it lead me to not trust him when it came to handling money and telling me the truth about what amounts he owed people. So every time money questions came up, he'd get upset/scared and would lie to me. I finally realized that he would absolutely start telling me the truth if I calmly asked him what was going on and that I would trust him to fix any issues. He stopped lying to me as soon as I changed my approach-- and I have never brought up the past money issues again. Do I still hold some anger towards him for messing up? Yes. Would it help our relationship if I held it against him and brought up the past? No.



> To fast forward we are now married eight months. The fighting has gotten worse, never physical but very aggressive, on both sides. I tried everything I could think of to 'fix' it and nothing has worked. My last attempt is where I am now, I am currently staying with my parents. I told him we are going to take it a week at a time and see what happens before I come back.


I'd recommend that you two go into some type of marriage counseling and learn how to properly handle disagreements. If you both are becoming aggressive in a disagreement, you both need to learn how to "fight" fair. My husband and I read a book together called "Things I wish I'd Known before we got Married" by Gary Chapman (he's the author of the 5 Love Languages as well). In chapter 4 he addresses how to solve disagreements without arguing. This is such an important skill for couples to have in order to help their relationship and hopefully you and your husband can work together to develop this skill.

Taking a break might be a very healthy thing right now. When I'm away from my husband, I miss him a million times more and remind myself of all the wonderful things he does for me. I was gone for 3 days before we got married (staying at my parents' house to work on wedding stuff) and I was that much more eager to see him and kiss him on our wedding day. Hopefully you and your husband can use this time to calm down and begin to decide what needs to be worked on.



> Basically I'm not 100% we are going to make it to our year anniversary. Is this 'break' a waste of our time, should we just walk away? Is there anything I haven't thought of to try and fix this? We cant afford counseling, we don't even have insurance. I really do love him that's why I've tried so hard. Somethings though I don't feel like he loves me back.


I'm always for trying to save a marriage-- too many marriages are failing. Counseling can be relatively cheap-- I know that many priests and pastors would be happy to meet with a couple to discuss marriage issues. At the same time, I find that having a library of marriage books has been helpful for me (and they're much cheaper than counseling). I've asked couples who have been married for a long time what books they would recommend and I've built our collection up from those recommendations. 

Yes, I do believe you can save your marriage, but your husband has to do a lot of work and you'll have to do a lot of work. You both will have to want to save this marriage and work together towards that goal.


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