# My Fears: Slowly Killing Me & Killing Himself



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

For the past two months I was in a calm state of limbo in which we seemed to be R-ing wonderfully - on his side at least. He was doing everything to make me happy. I remained cold and have had trouble opening my heart to him again. He really tried to do everything - housework, sweet things, let me rant, agree to counseling, etc. 

But tonight - two months since dday 2 or 3, depending on "what counts" - R has proven false. I came home earlier than he expected. The computer was on, and he had his phone in his hand. When I came in, I could see he was a bit startled and he defensively pointed his phone in such a way that the screen would not be visible. My gut kicked in, and I said I wanted to see his phone. He wouldn't give it to me. He kept saying that he would show me later, to trust him (ha!), that it was something he would share with me in time.

Like I would agree to that! I fought for the phone, tickled him, did whatever I could. He would not give up the phone, and I could tell he was hiding something bad. I started crying and yelling and throwing a chair across the room (not at him) and going crazy on him. Eventually, I get the phone and find in his history that once again he is on the back pages searching for escorts in the area. FML

I've tried. I cried and cried and told him we are done. I was not crying because I am hurt by him seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere. I'm numb to that pain. Rather, I was mourning the end of our relationship - realizing I have no room to justify continuing our marriage, no reason to believe that it could ever change. I want so badly to believe that we can make it work, and he has been trying so hard in all other ways. But he is sick.

When I said we were done, he left the room. I logged in to TAM about to lament about my situation. I could tell something wasn't right. He locked the bathroom door. At first I waited. Then, I got worried and started beating on the door for him to open up. He was silent and did not respond to me in anyway. I got scared and said I was calling 911. Finally he opened the door and I see his face purplish from him tightening a slip dog leash around his neck. He wanted to hang himself or he wanted to frighten me into staying committed to him. Either way, it is horrible and because of prior discussions on TAM I learned to do things right this time. 

I called 911 and psychiatric-emergency police came to our apartment. They are taking him to a hospital for evaluation. He did not resist. He is a mess. He doesn't want to live without me, but I can't live with a sex addict who repeatedly betrays me. No matter how good of a person he may be otherwise.

I feel a sense of relief that he is in the hands of someone else if only temporarily.

But it is time for me to start imagining a different future. I don't know that I'm ready. I am so concerned with his well being. I can't have him betraying me, and he can't not betray me, yet he also can't live without me. This is all so complicated by the fact that his family is in another country and he will be ostracized if we divorce (it's complicated). 

Codependency is an issue here. I'm scared he will end his life if I end our marriage. I love him deeply and while I want to protect myself I also can NOT live with the knowledge that he is no longer on planet earth. I want him to live. I wish he could fall in love with another girl and we could just be friends. This is how I feel. :-(

For my story prior to this eventful, see

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ory-dday1-done-though-he-doesnt-know-yet.html

Thanks for your support everyone.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

TU,

It is hard to go through what you are going through. I think you need to take care of yourself first. 

If I may suggest, take counseling.

Do 180 more vigorously. More focus on yourself.

He is not the one you think to be. Dont let him delude you.

Take care
AU


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good job!

Its tough , been there, but what you did was good!

Girl I think its time to give your old man a great big smile, wish him the best and ask him to leave so the both of you can end this emotional torture....tomarrow is anther day and sh1t can can be addressed later down the road.

he has his sh1t to get thru and you have yours..

This is a tactic that will show him that it is now real and his bs affair is nor coming to a head and its time to face the consequences.

between you and me ...with out consequences bad behavior will continue.

Stay strong girl...you diserve good things...we all diserve good things so no matter how hard it is fake until you make it.

Your old man will have to figure it out on his own!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You did exceedingly well, considering the situation you are in. You are even able to see through the possible manipulation


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, please stop crying, at least infront of your guy. You guys might be able to figure this all out, but now is not the time!

Its time for you to smile and be positive that you can let him go (even though you can't and life sucks) help him pack and let him go.

Its funny how letting them go sometimes saves the marriage!!!!!! And if it doesn't it will save YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> You did exceedingly well, considering the situation you are in. You are even able to see through the possible manipulation


@wo7, I like the way you think, even though your a newbie from my standards. 
Waywards have a script and we all have heard it be for.
Actions always speak louder then words!
You can do this girl, you have to do this! For your own emotional health.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind messages. It was a bit of a rough night for sure. I'm going to focus on the 180 while helping him in a detached way - get counseling and so on. My heart is already numb and cold. 

But I love him too much to not try to stop him from killing himself. While I can't control his actions, I want to do all I can to help him transition into a new reality. Right now he can't see clearly and he can be impulsive. It may be in my own interest to leave him all to his own, but I need to be sure he doesn't end his life period. That would weigh me down forever more.

I guess I don't have much to add. I'm not sure where he is now or what he is doing. My eyes ache from the tears and late night sleep. I know the_guy said not to cry, but it's not like I'm trying to save the marriage at this point. I'll cry my heart out - it's for me and only me. 

Thank you for the counseling recommendation A&U. I'm going to look into that with my school asap. I was doing it previously but the counselor left and I didn't want to find a new one right before finals.

Again, thanks all for reading my rant and your comments!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're a strong woman, and don't forget that. Please understand that you have done all you can in getting him help. You cannot stop him from taking his life anymore if that's really what he wants. What he did was attempt to manipulate you; if he'd really wanted to die he wouldn't have made a scene in the house with you. He would have waited until out was quiet and then done it; do not ask me how I know this. People that make a spectacle of themselves are in it for the attention and to manipulate. He knew you'd come looking for him. Do not fall for his tactics.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He can't control himself. If he desires death more than he desires self control, then that is a problem for expert help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how long they hold him will depend on his behavior, the evaluation and state laws

hopefully they determine he is a threat to himself and will hold him for the maximum time (like 30 days in some states) so he can get the help he needs


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

TotallyUnexpected, 

I am SO SORRY that all of this happened to you again. Your strength and resilience under such dire circumstances is truly amazing. Please continue to stay strong and post updates for continued support from us. Again, I am so sorry!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think it's finally time to cut him loose.

You are no longer responsible for him or his actions. 

He is clearly addicted to betraying you and my advice is to separate from him immediately. He will continue with his addictions and you can start the grieving and then healing process.

In the end, although you will always mourn this betrayal, you will be stronger, wiser and happier.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry this is happening. I really hope he gets some serious help here.

I do know what you're going through. My first husband used to try to kill himself every time I tried to leave him. He wrapped a belt around his neck and tied it to a doorknob and tried to hang himself. He took a whole bottle of tylenol when he was drunk one night. I called 911 and he ended up in the psych ward, but only overnight. Finally, when I left for good, he did the tylenol thing again, but I wasn't answering his calls. So he called a friend who lived 200 km away and told him what he'd done. This friend called the police and sent them to the house, he was hauled to the hospital, and this time he ended up in treatment for 10 weeks.

I think it has to get to the point where you are able to just stop caring. Not necessarily stop loving him or wanting the best for him, but not caring when he makes suicide threats. The fact that he came out of the bathroom finally tells me he's doing it as a form of manipulation, not because he really wants to kill himself. If he really wanted to kill himself, he would. Right now, he knows that when he threatens suicide, you will come running. And as long as you continue to come running, he will continue to manipulate you this way.

I finally got to the point where I was able to be all right with knowing that my ex very well could end up killing himself accidentally. When I say 'all right' with it, I mean that if it did happen I could live with myself knowing that I was not the cause of it - HE was. Only then was I able to finally leave for good. But until you get to that point, do what you need to do.

I second counseling for you. You have many issues to resolve - the codependency, being the spouse of a sex addict, being cheated on - this is serious stuff. There are counselors who specialize in sex addiction and counseling for both the addict and the spouse (CSAT's). You can find one through the link in my signature. That link also has some good books for both of you. I highly recommend Your Sexually Addicted Spouse and so did the CSAT I saw myself.

My thoughts are with you.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hope, 

Your post was immensely helpful, and I feel you know exactly what I'm going through. One of the major take-aways I need to let sink in was this:

"I finally got to the point where I was able to be all right with knowing that my ex very well could end up killing himself accidentally. When I say 'all right' with it, I mean that if it did happen I could live with myself knowing that I was not the cause of it - HE was. Only then was I able to finally leave for good. But until you get to that point, do what you need to do."

I have a ways to go before I get to that point, which you aptly defined. But at least I acknowledge that I need to get there. I will begin counseling soon for sure. Thank you again. I really appreciate such posts.

Thank you all again. I don't know where he is right now or when he will call. In the chaos of the night, I did not get a contact number. In some ways, I am just sighing relief and letting him be in the hands of qualified personnel and God himself. I think that's where I need to get to. A point where I leave his fate to higher powers. I'm not religious at all, but I feel that letting go of what you can't control and relying on a "greater force" is a huge relief. If there is a God (and I think there is), he is surely way more qualified than me. I got to remind myself this again and again. 

Thanks again Hope and everyone who has contributed to this thread.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Hope,
> 
> Your post was immensely helpful, and I feel you know exactly what I'm going through. One of the major take-aways I need to let sink in was this:
> 
> ...


Yes Yes Yes, that is the truth. I know you feel for him, but what hes doing is a vicious cycle of aggressive manipulation. It would only continue, and worsen, most likely with him threatening you if his continued suicide threats succeeded. 

You need to live for yourself, the same way he needs to live for himself. If he can't do that, that is no fault of your own.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If he can't be responsible for himself, why could you be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I recall one poster that stayed with his wife for a while ( I think a year) until she was stable enough for D. After getting caught she went into a severe depression and he stayed with her through that and when she was better he followed through with D. 

I have worked with suicidal folks since the early 90's and even now in my practise have had Veterans get committed. I was working with two groups yesterday in two locked units. This stuff is not fun and is very serious.

You are in false R. I went through that last year and it is not enjoyable as you experienced, finding that his behavior has not changed. Only you can determine if this is the final straw, but do take his threats of suicide seriously.

Having said that, once he gets help and he is already getting help, your work is done. He is in the hands of professionals and you my dear are free to follow through with whatever action you want to take.


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