# Separated from my Wife and Trying to Become a Better Person But it is Hard



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

I am a first-time poster and just found the site today.

My wife asked for a separation a little more than a month ago. We have two young daughters, ages 9 and 5, and we were married for 12 years before then. As many others have posted, she has said that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I know my failings -- I worked long hours, gave whatever left of my time to my kids, and therefore neglected her emotionally. I also lived mostly for tomorrow, hoping that financial stability would provide a way out of the racket, whereas she preferred to live for today. I just didn't hear her properly when she said that she didn't want or need the money over time. 

I am the product of a poor childhood from divorced parents. I have repeated many of the problems that I witnessed first-hand. My dad was controlling, largely with finances, I have done the same although I have been much better the past few years. As a child, I only felt love when I achieved, so I achieved, whether it was in sports, academics, etc. After I married the love of my life, my new metric for success was money and prestige. So I sought it out, to provide my family a life that I thought would make them happy. I guess I didn't know any better.

Throughout my pursuit of these metrics, I failed to give my wife the attention she deserved, which caused us to grow apart. Over the twelve years we were married, she would tell me that I needed to change jobs and that she didn't want the money, but it always seemed that we spent whatever we had, so it was hard to believe her, in my mind. And while I spent at times, I felt she was driving many of the decisions, so I thought she wanted the money too. In any case, she would periodically tell me that we were hanging by a thread and that we should split. In each case, I would talk my way out of it. Until one month ago.

Her career has been blossoming the past few years, and she came back from one of her work trips and said we needed to separate. I trust her completely when she says she has been faithful. I know she has, as have I. But I have neglected her, and she has been hard on me.

These past 6 weeks or so have been the hardest and darkest days of my life. Being evicted from my home and apart from my beautiful girls and wife have been gut wrenching. Often, I feel lost and wonder how I could have missed the mark so widely. I wonder how she could have decided to move on when only six weeks before making the decision for separation she had professed to me unabashedly how deeply she loved me. I know that things were not great but the decision seemed so drastic. But this is my reality.

My wife says that she doesn't see much hope for reconciling. She currently seems to enjoy her freedom, making decisions for our children, without extensive discussion with me. We are in the midst of hammering out a separation agreement, which is decidedly in her favor, but she doesn't seem to see it that way. In her view, our situation is my doing. 

I am in an apartment now, about 3 miles from our home, and I am slowly rebuilding myself into the man I should have been. I meditate, pray, read books on finding happiness, becoming a better father to my daughters, and spend an enormous amount of time figuring out how to reconnect with my wife. I am also in individual counseling. I realize that this is a slow, difficult process, but fundamentally, I am upset with myself for the way I set my priorities. 

I know that we will never reconcile unless and until she wants to, and that I have no direct control over it, but her mindset seems to be entirely opposite. I am trying to establish positive, light, baby-step interactions, but often get discouraged by the venom that seems to come my way or the lack of any acknowledgement to my efforts. To be clear, I am not expecting her to come running into my arms because of these smallish gestures, but I guess I wasn't expecting derisive quips or anger. Perhaps that is to be expected for some time. I am letting these things roll off my shoulders for now, but it is hard. 

One thing that keeps me going is showing my kids that it is possible to break the cycle of bad relationships. My parents failed, and I have failed thus far. I believe I have the power to change things, at least the environment of our marriage. I am learning that I need to forgive myself for my mistakes, that I made the best decisions I was able to with the information that I had, and that, at my core, I am still the fun-loving, affectionate, charming person that my wife fell in love with years ago. Had anyone told us we would separate twelve years ago when we were married, I think we would have told them that they would be crazy. I therefore believe that not only I can change, but she can too.

In some respect, I am fighting against my wife's idea that love shouldn't require work and compromise. After years of moving at mock speed (both in demanding, high-pace careers in a big city; kids, moving, no immediate support from family), simplicity and peace appeal to her, I think. Not having to discuss key issues with me on a daily basis is one less point of contention in her mind. It's sad, but that's probably what she thought of our marriage given the neglect. 

I am not sure what kind of counsel my wife is hearing from her family, but I am not sure it is positive. In the interim, my girls are feeling the decision. They miss one of us when they are with the other. They are truly amazing children, and they didn't ask for this. I am making each moment count with my daughters, and have improved my relationship with each of them despite the situation. This, of course, causes them to miss me more. My wife thinks that they are doing amazingly but I am not so sure although I hope she is right. 

I hope we reconcile. I miss my wife and my kids. I can't believe I took a great life for granted. Now all I seem to wish for is the life I neglected. 

I am avoiding pressure, giving her space, and trying to create positive, light moments of fun between us. We are amicable and want to do right by our kids. She knows I still love her so I don't need to tell her repeatedly and doing so would be counter-productive. But I am trying to show her that she is my priority by action (e.g., dropping a work call to deal with a repair at her home). 

I have also found a few hobbies and am hanging out with the guys watching football games, playing pool, and playing cards. Things I didn't do as much of before because of family obligations but now, unfortunately, I have time to do. It is fun and I am slowly finding a groove. 

If anyone has any additional suggestions for reconciliation, or whether any of the things I am doing isn't the best thing, I would love to hear from you. Also, if anyone has gotten another chance, it would be great to hear words of hope. Those are in short supply these days. It feels good just to write, even if I rambled on for a while.


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

scaredconfused said:


> I am a first-time poster and just found the site today.
> 
> My wife asked for a separation a little more than a month ago. We have two young daughters, ages 9 and 5, and we were married for 12 years before then. As many others have posted, she has said that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I know my failings -- I worked long hours, gave whatever left of my time to my kids, and therefore neglected her emotionally. I also lived mostly for tomorrow, hoping that financial stability would provide a way out of the racket, whereas she preferred to live for today. I just didn't hear her properly when she said that she didn't want or need the money over time.
> 
> ...


reconciliation if it's going to happen will at the most unexpected time, it'll take a long time if there is a chance, do not talk to her about the relationship, detach, detach, detach, way easier to say than do trust me, expect a lot of hurt,doubt & blaming in this time. if there's a chance it's only going to be when you are a strong confident man, that does not need her to live a good productive life on your own, your kids need to see you this way also, trust me begging, pleading & all that stuff will push her away, TRUST ME !!!!!! find synthetics 10 commandments & follow them to a T, read our stories on here, not new posters because they are in your same state, us that have learned things the wrong way. search for our stories & follow along, this site is like having ic 24/7, great caring people here & they saved my life no doubt


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You are codependent, unnecessarily guilty of who you are, and a bad case of a 'nice guy'.

Your wife betrayed your marriage by seeking a separation. Don't even think about blaming yourself for her act of kicking you to the curb. That part is all on her.

Now, I can already guess that your journey will be quite a bumpy one because the level of guilt in your post is alarming. Unless you abused your wife or cheated on her, there's absolutely no reason for you to feel so guilty. In fact, there's a strong (very very strong) possibility that you're wife is involved in an affair (emotional/physical doesn't matter). She has shown enough selfishness (through her actions) to not be trusted. You cannot trust a walkaway wife. That's what you married: A walkaway wife.

Your case is not unique. You're not a bad person. There's nothing "special" about your situation, so take the advice to heart and trust the judgement of those who have been where you are (myself included).

The following list is made for you. Follow it to the T and don't backtrack. I promise within just weeks you will be feeling exponentially stronger and more aware. Just don't backtrack and don't skip any of the commandments. Keep posting.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Thanks for the replies, both of you. 

The separation agreement, of course, brings its own issues. We are working out visitation, custody, and support, which are difficult to do. But once these get worked out, we will begin to see what our new worlds will look like.

I am focusing on me, right now, at least when I am not with the kids. I have started reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book you recommended and it does fit me so far. I have also read Michele Weiner-Davis' book but her approach (the 180) conflicts with the approach suggested by Mort Fertel insofar as Fertel suggests reconnection strategies while the other suggests detachment, at least for a while. They may be consistent if you interpret Fertel's strategies to take shape once there has been some detachment. I'm not sure.

We have already separated our finances although I am paying generous child support (I want to for the kids). She may still going to have some trouble paying for our (her) home now though. 

I am talking to friends and developing new hobbies while I don't have the kids. It's hard because work is a bit slow so my mind wanders. I end up gravitating to this massive feeling of loss. And I hate my new, sterile apartment because it doesn't have the feel of home (kids and wife). I am trying to transform it but need to be judicious with limited funds. 

The venom that comes from her makes me wonder who I married. Her anger is so great. It is startling. For that reason alone, I see the virtue in detaching and only making minor conversation until the climate improves. 

We have a preexisting vacation for the two of us alone planned for late October but I can't see that as being a good idea. My guess it would be better to postpone for a while. 

I may reach out to a marriage counselor/coach at some point for additional guidance. 

Thanks again for the suggestions. I will continue to post as I can.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Fertel's stuff is nonsense when it comes to walkaway wives. Don't waste your time.


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Fertel's stuff is nonsense when it comes to walkaway wives. Don't waste your time.


Without question. Save yourself the repeated rejection under that strategy.

You need to 180 for you.

It's hard as hell.

But it's the only way forward whether you R or D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

S&C,

What was your wife's childhood like?


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

She was a middle child and both her siblings were exceptionally demanding and self-centered; she was not. Her mother ruled the home and her father was also self-focused. 

My wife is not that way. When I met her, she focused on giving to everyone else. She was kind-hearted and generous. She seems to be having an awakening about all of her relationships, questioning whether they are truly healthy. She is seeking relationships where the giving and getting is more in balance.

She seems to think I deceived her to some extent when we were dating, that I was somehow different at my core than who I am, pretending to be whoever I needed to be to have her fall in love with me. At this point, I am not arguing about it. She can think what she wants. I am merely listening at this point. 

I am trying to create some distance and expect that I will be more successful once we finalize the separation agreement.

Nonetheless, I miss my kids and her. I know she has to want to reconcile and it is not my decision that I don't see the kids so in the meantime, as painful as it is to see my kids miss me, I am trying to focus on me while we are apart. 

I appreciate your replies. Seriously. I left the office early because I needed a different environment. I am looking for sources of courage during a very rough time.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

There are just waves of sadness that come over me without warning. It's brutal. I feel like a wussified piece of wet toast but I can't help it. I can count the number of times I cried on one hand for the past 10 years, now it seems this is a daily activity. 

Like just now when my five-year old asked when I was coming home. It's not my fault but I won't see her today. She and my other daughter are my heart.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

scaredconfused said:


> There are just waves of sadness that come over me without warning. It's brutal. I feel like a wussified piece of wet toast but I can't help it. I can count the number of times I cried on one hand for the past 10 years, now it seems this is a daily activity.
> 
> Like just now when my five-year old asked when I was coming home. It's not my fault but I won't see her today. She and my other daughter are my heart.


Did you say you've been in counseling?


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

I am in individual counseling, and have been to only about 4 sessions. The focus here is to find happiness generally. My wife is also in individual counseling for the same reason. 

We haven't closed off the idea of marriage counseling but she isn't interested right now. I am trying to give her space and respect the separation. Meanwhile, I am working on finding myself, faith, strength, and happiness. I don't feel any closer to most of these things although I pray daily and have been for a few months. I have also been meditating to try and be satisfied with who I am (all of me), following the ideas in Kamal Ravikant's, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended on It.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MC would be a waste of time for you right now.

You need to get yourself sorted out first.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

That's what I think too. Thanks, Conrad. 

I am going to read the links suggested by Synthetic and continue gobbling up as much information as I can. I am playing basketball tonight so that should give me a distraction for at least a couple of hours. Then I get to see the kids at my wife's place for movie night (my kids really want me to come). It should be fairly easy because all I will do is watch the movie and hold my kids, which I can't wait to do. I assume I can be consistent with the 180 by being cordial with my wife but not effusive.

I just miss seeing my kids every day. Again, not my fault that I can't now but it doesn't make things any easier for me.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Yesterday, I slept really early. Crashed at something like 6:30 PM and stayed in bed. Couldn't find the energy to play basketball in the evening.

Today, I need to send my edits on the separation agreement, which won't be fun. Once that is behind us, I head over for movie night with my wife and kids this evening. I plan on focusing on them but trying to be cheerful and upbeat with my wife even if I won't be particularly talkative. Tomorrow, I get the kids alone, which will be great. I am excited to see them. 

I just need to make it through the Agreement. Wish me luck.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Scared - can you share more about how you feel you neglected your wife? My H went through a short period of long hours at work, and we really didn't need the extra money either. After just the short time he was doing it, I felt extremely neglected because it was a time when our children were infants and I needed his help and I needed my H and we didn't need the money... He was choosing his job over his family... I ended up having a stroke (guess I wasn't kidding when I told H my stress level was crazy) when our kids were 8 months old and our marriage continued to spiral. We separated 4 months later and all of a sudden he had every weekend off.. he hadn't had a weekend off in over two months and now he's not working weekends so he can spend it with his kids?

We ended up in the divorce process for 5 months.. but we've since reconciled. We discuss his working hours now and if we need the money, have at it.. work to your hearts content, but even then.. I need to spend quality time with my H.. not just the hour leading up to sex at night, which was also deteriorating.

We had a lot of other issues, but his working so much was one boiling point.


----------



## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hi S&C;

I'm with you man. I have a WAW too. I was "evicted" from my home 3 1/2 months ago. I have 2 kids. R is not in the cards for me. I am planning on D. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I am currently going through a major bout of depression now. For now, I am focusing on Syn's 10-commandments. Watch out for the lumber. I get lumber'd some times. You may too.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

It is partly as you described: I worked long hours and gave whatever remaining time and energy I had to the kids. I took care of them at night when they woke up and couldn't sleep or needed to be fed. I was working close to 70-75 hours per week for years and then was burning the candle from the other end too at night with the kids. My wife and I were miserable and I was naturally grouchy, which made things worse. I thought that by earning the ultimate promotion at work, I would be able to provide a life for my wife and family that would make them truly happy. That's not at all what she wanted but I didn't get that.

In addition, I wasn't particularly happy at work. Given my childhood, I saw achievement as the means to earning love. So I sought out success as a means to justify my worth in all my relationships, including my wife. I just wasn't connected with myself and wasn't happy. For example, when those promotions didn't come, I withdrew. This took a toll on our marriage. I am in therapy to find happiness but how do I do that when I know now that it was just a terrible lens on life that I was looking through. Now I long for a chance at the life I had and wish I would have just re-prioritized accordingly.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Boxhead, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Please hang in there. I'm completely devastated too. I am throwing my positive energy your way. It's hard, I know, but we need to persevere for ourselves and our kids. I'm not a misery-loves-company kind of guy but maybe we can all get through this together.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

scaredconfused, 

I have been where you are. I too got drowned in work because of the issues you mentioned.

*BUT*

This is not the time to focus on how you neglected your wife. Every spouse is guilty of neglect and laziness. It doesn't justify your wife's behavior. Avoid recooking the unnecessary guilt. Focus on the commandments. It's important you find your balls and feel like a strong, attractive and assertive man before you even think about your marriage and how it could have been saved.

Avoid guilt at all costs. It's your #1 enemy.


----------



## Standing_Firm (Mar 20, 2012)

synthetic said:


> You are codependent, unnecessarily guilty of who you are, and a bad case of a 'nice guy'.
> 
> Your wife betrayed your marriage by seeking a separation. Don't even think about blaming yourself for her act of kicking you to the curb. That part is all on her.
> 
> ...


I am in the same boat! Thanks for the commandments, I will live b them daily!


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Just had movie night with my kids and wife. I talked only a little with her and had some quality time holding my girls. They hated to see me go, as did I. I stayed strong and only started feeling sad about not seeing my girls after I left. It just came over me suddenly. No control. 

My wife and I are close to agreeing on a separation agreement. I hate it but it means a lot to her. She was beautiful tonight. She also sneaked looks at me like she used to when we loved each other hopelessly. I didn't react too much to it. 

I am focusing on me for now. I am reading (thanks for the replies, by the way), praying, meditating, exercising, connecting with old friends, starting new hobbies, and in individual counseling. And I am also trying to put a financial plan back together. It's a pain in the butt but I have to keep moving forward. 

Sleeping has helped a lot too. But I wish these bouts of sadness wouldn't be so intense and so sudden. No control over it. I was a wet sack of potatoes by the time I got home.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Yesterday, my wife called me up to thank me for reaching an agreement on terms for Separation. She asked me about my thoughts about where our relationship went wrong and wanted to remain good friends. It was hard to hear.

I spent a great evening with my kids yesterday. We played and had fun together. It was tremendous. But a wave of sadness came over me without notice, and they saw me cry. I tried to stop it but couldn't. I was surprised but they comforted me. It was inspiring.

It was hard saying goodbye to the kids today but I will see them tomorrow. It's just difficult. I miss them very much. Good news is that I get them half of every week. Still hard though. I hate seeing them sad.

Today I am going to try to stay busy and hang out with friends.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

I am having trouble concentrating today. I am with my kids and my in-laws are visiting tomorrow, which is also the day I sign the separation agreement. I can't help feeling what a mistake it is to separate. Meanwhile, it seems that my wife is moving full steam ahead without me, planning her life without me. Crushing. I am trying to move forward but I miss her.


----------



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Hang in there man. I'm going through a separation right now also. We both signed the agreements 2 weeks ago. I have done the 180 on her and the closest i have ever came to seeing her was taking mail up to her work for someone to give to her.

It's hard being away from someone you love and you thought "loved you" back. I also have a WAW and we didnt try marriage counseling until after she left. However she seemed more about partying and living the single life than being married to the man she pledge her life with. I'm moving on and it seems so is she. However, mine is a slow process, but i feel I'm getting better each week. You really see who "really" loves who in a marriage when you down in the dumps the one you love, wanting to see them, wanting to be with them, and wanting to make it work.....all the while the other spouse is living it up and acting like she/he was never married or doesn't even give a F about what happened and trying to make it work. That right there set things in perspective for me. 

Just focus on you and be with friends. If she is so hell bent on living her life without you, then you need to let her go. If you do not, your emotions will get the best of you everyday, while she is living it up the way she wants. You are better than that.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Thanks, Legiox. It is definitely hard. I am trying to focus on myself but we have to little girls together. It is difficult to do the 180. 

I miss her.

She hasn't been totally cold to me recently but we aren't speaking frequently. She says she still loves me, she is just no longer in love with me. For the most part, we have been amicable. But it hurts a lot. I am trying though.


----------



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

The good old "I love you, but not in love with you line." Been there got the t-shirt. Do what is best for you two girls. Granted i cant commit on that, b/c me and the STBXW never had kids (thank god). Hope for the best for you. We have all be there.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

Thanks. I am trying. 

There doesn't seem to be any shortage of conflicting opinions. One site suggests that I force my way back into the house and move in because without it, I am demonstrating to my kids and wife that I won't fight for my marriage. I think they are overestimating my influence on the decision.

As others have commented too, I need to fix myself as well. I also need her to want to reconcile. That isn't the case right now. I can only do what I can do.


----------



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Just remember, if she doesn't want to R then there is nothing you can do. You will be just wasting your life away trying to get someone back that doesn't even want to be around you. It takes two to tango in a marriage.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

That's true but I want to work on it for a while.


----------



## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Umm...OK. Your guilt is bending you over and you are going to get screwed. If you don't have 50/50 custody, don't sign a damn thing. If you aren't getting interest in the house or not funding her being in the house don't sign it. She asked you to leave. You did. She should be paying for things on her own. 

I can see your intentions without you even saying them. Your optimistic you can turn her around and get back into the house and keep moving forward. But what if you can't and she won't? How able are you going to be to afford the child support moving forward till your youngest is 18?

This is a financial arrangement around your assets/debts and children. Emotion does not belong in this at all. If she were to take you to court right now a judge is going to award her the house free and clear and you the mortgage because you could afford to get an apartment and left. You really need to look over what your doing and how your acting.

I know you love and trust her, but no one comes back from a business trip and wants a divorce/separation without something happening to motivate that. Either her thinking she better off because a work colleague's marriage/single lifestyle looks better, or more likely she's having feelings for someone she works with. Others here are tiptoeing around your discovery process, but let me lay it out for you. She's experiencing success, she's mad at you over everything you did and didn't do in the marriage, and she wants to take it out on you. She can say it isn't about money till the cows come home, but wait and watch when she doesn't get the number she has in her head. 

You are giving away your family, your home, and your money. Look at what you are doing. Stop being nice. Make sure the kids are spending time with you at your apartment or ask her to spend the evenings there on your time. She's getting all the benefits and you're getting the shaft. STOP!


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

I am spending quality time with my kids at home and have 50-50 visitation rights. I also have provisions to protect my financial assets. Agree these are important.

I am talking with her, slowly, and working on improving the nature of our communications. She obviously reluctant. It isn't just guilt that makes me want to try and reconcile. I am interested in seeing my kids every day. The best way for that to happen is to try and reconcile. More importantly, I still love her. 

This is the hardest time in my life.


----------



## scaredconfused (Sep 19, 2012)

I continue to miss my wife and kids, particularly my kids. It is very difficult not seeing them every day. It hurts. They are sad too. They ask us all of the time whether we can make it work. So smart and in touch with their feelings for being so little. It breaks my heart.

We spend some time as a family, which is often wonderful. I miss those times.


----------



## workingonmyself (Sep 7, 2016)

Oddly enough...........my story is ALOT like yours....2 months ago my husband walked out on my son and me after 10 years of marriage and 12 years of being together. He would come and go through those 2 months, we would talk and he would see his son here and there. He consistently blamed everything on me. My husband served in the USMC for eight years---the best years of our lives....He went on three deployments and I learned how to manage for the family without him but I supported him all the way. I was always faithful to him and tried to be involved in all that he done. He has helped me raise my daughter and she loves him so much even though she is away at college. We lost a pregnancy about three years into our marriage and then the following year had an adorable sweet boy who is now 6 years old. Anyway, like any other couple we had our arguments and disagreements. He decided to get out of the military and we have tried to adjust to being civilians again for the last 3 years. It was a rushed deal as my husband had found a job in corrections so we didn't have time to look for a house and stuff. We had to move back home with my mom........which was totally a bad idea. As time has progressed, my husband has grew with anger but I think that stems from the military and lately a lot of his "brothers" have been suicidal. He has never had counseling although he definitely needs it. We finally moved out into a home last year and then removed again this year. During these times, my husband has repeatedly made the remark of "let's talk, we need to discuss things before its too late." I just blew it off because I honestly thought I was his love and he would never go anywhere. Our anniversary was in April and he wrote the sweetest FB post ever and even one for Mother's Day. In the summer, he decided to take an EMT course at the nearest college. So for about a week, he kept saying "Im leaving"....and one day, he did. He left all his stuff at my house and he left. He told me that he would always love me, but he wasn't in love with me. He told me I wouldn't take the time to listen to him and fix things (which honestly I didn't). He told me that I belittled him, not sure how. I know if he did things and they weren't right I would fix them........but in my defense, I was trying to help. If he fussed at our son, I would take up for him (which I never should have done). If my daughter needed financial help, I would help her or my sisters without ever consulting him (which I know now wasn't right). My husband has always been my best friend, my rock, my everything and I'm so crushed right now its crazy. Everyone told me that he must be seeing someone and I said absolutely not. I found out last week (by some text msgs) that yes, he has been seeing someone and did not tell me. The text msgs really hurt me and made me feel like I never meant anything to him. I just can't see how he could go from being with me 12 years and then with this girl for 2 months and "loves" her already. My daughter doesn't know he is seeing someone and my son is so young that I have told him daddy is with his friends (for now). My husband has told me wants a divorce but I am totally against that. I did go yesterday and file papers for custody, child support and spousal support so that we (my son and myself) will be able to not worry about not having some money (we are locked in a lease for a year). This is a girl he met at the college. I pulled my phone records and he had been talking to her the middle of June when he had first started saying "Im leaving". He told me the day I found out about her that this was all my fault and I had frozen his heart for the way I have treated him. I have taken some counseling online and it has made me see things in a different view. I now see that yes, I did treat my husband badly in that I didn't let him do stuff and not criticize how it was done. I didn't give him the attention he craved because I had other "more important" stuff to do. I have since told him that I would do anything for him and that I still love him. I have told him I am learning from the mistakes I have made and I am becoming a better person. I so wish that marriage came with a handbook, but it doesn't. This whole situation has had a dramatic effect on my life....I can't eat and definitely don't sleep. I have lost over 20 pounds already. I pray to God every day for my husband and I also pray for strength which he has definitely given to me. I don't really have any friends as all of mine are military wives and do not live nearby. I told my husband that after everything is done, I hope that in the future he will find a way to forgive me and I hope that he will find happiness (although I wish he would come home). I do blame myself and wish for once, I had just stopped what I was doing and listened to him wholeheartedly.............but, I didn't and now I too am suffering..........I am learning to take one day at a time and enjoy the moments I have with my son while he is growing up. I am learning to give my daughter her financial responsibilities and teach her to be independent. I am learning never to take anyone for granted again. My hope is that one day, my husband will see a change in me (like I used to be) and decide to give me another chance because I would spend every day for the rest of my life making him happy.............    Good luck with your situation!!


----------

