# The sting of divorce



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I have a thread here. "I left and he left" which describes the just of what happened.

Even though, I KNOW he is in some sort of denial regarding his acts (relapse and escorts)........

Even though, I KNOW I have been struggling in our marriage due to his work hours; self centered tendencies; relapse 2 years ago; chronic migraines which left him not working for 3 months; lack of partnership......

He has always confirmed how GREAT he was....how much he LOVED me...how I was an answer to his PRAYERS....how he was grateful that I have stood by him. These expression were on my voice mail 6 weeks ago; at my counseling session, in which he attended, prior to our vacation; and to his family. It was NO SECRET how much he felt loved. We will have been married 3 years in Feb.

The problem was......when I expected something from him. He tried but really didn't know how to emotionally engage during any conflict. He didn't know how to sacrifice at times for someone else. Drugs kept him away from his kids growing years...and he doesn't have relationship with them. He has never had to be accountable and deal with the up/downs of life. Drugs/shutdown/avoidance have made sure that he didn't DEAL.

During our vacay, in which he acted out....he made a QUICK DISCONNECT-used meth; called escorts; and hooked up with another woman vacationer to have fun with....

WOW! 

I saw him today to give him some important documents. He is so cold; and angry at ME.

I was never perfect. Admitted my wrongdoings. 

Such a change in 6 weeks. He just couldn't do it. He just couldn't sacrifice for someone else and attempt to meet their needs. He's a selfish addict. They all are....he's not using now (meth) but drinking quit a bit. 

I know I am better off without him. He wasn't a partner. Anything, he did or gave me was about HOW he felt doing it. It really wasn't about pleasing me. It wasn't about what I liked...he got what he liked to give me. I was always appreciative and grateful. 

I pray that I can let him loose from my heart. I understand that this is a process but after being treated so cruel.....I don't want anything to do with him but the memories/hopes linger.

Just expressing myself here. Helps. I know you all have felt these feelings.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Could be that the Hyde persona is a mask that he dons to draw people in to become committed to him, or the drugs made him into Jekyll. Either way, he is who he is now, and that version of him is detrimental to you and your well-being.

He fails to look into the mirror and it is easier to blame you instead of himself.

You had boundaries, and he pushed past them and blames you for him breaking your boundaries.

Whether that version you fell in love with is real or not, he is not that person that you loved. Slowly, as he continues to be this new version, you will slowly associate him less with that version you fell in love with.

Hang in there, and you are doing this for your own well-being, you cannot change him, but you do not have to live with his behavior either. You have a right to have a choice in which parameters you enforce in order for someone to be with you. You also need to stop feeling responsible for him as he made the choices and he is an adult.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes. Mr.Fisty....it's about what is now and what has been shown.

I think I am in shock....I am not sure why? When he relapsed a few years ago, I didn't have the cruelty. I had someone that I could tell was remorseful...he still had to leave but I never saw this side. 

This time...it was cruel and disconnected. It's as if another person inhabited his body. My husband was different 6 weeks ago....

It's difficult to wrap around the changes....all of them. His changes in behavior. The fact that our marriage is short lived. The fact that he doesn't want to fight for something that he reports as being something "I prayed for."

I know I am better off. I am just waiting for my heart to catch up to my head.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Corpuswife said:


> I know I am better off. I am just waiting for my heart to catch up to my head.


You know it will.. Like anything it just takes times.. Better 3 years, than 4 years..


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Sigh.

Corpus, it's like a car that's been damaged in a wreck. You love the old car. You like the feel and how it rides on the highway. You like the make, model and color. But the adjuster says its totaled.

You have to come to grips that it's gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It takes time to stop loving someone, and to mourn the loss of what was either a mask, or the old him gone due to drug abuse, that is not whom you fell in love with. Except, this person triggers those past memories and feelings, so it will take time to associate this new him with the old. His brain may not be able to recover enough to ever be the old him again or he may never truly have been that person, either case, you must learn to accept him as he is now.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I received a text from him, last night, while he was at work. It read:

"I don't want to hate you. I am sorry this is happening to us, but I think it's for the best."

I did not respond and will not. 

Why in the heck would he hate me....more likely projection. I walked away on vacay because he was treating my like cr*p. He made a choice, prior to my leaving by not trying to treat me like a partner; not trying to resolve any conflict; by shutting down. He made a choice, after I left to use drugs; have sex with escorts; and take another woman on his psuedo vacay; ignoring my attempts to text/email/call to connect and "make it right"....

He doesn't want to hate me? LOL

Guess what...I HATE no person. Its to much energy and frankly it's not what I do as a Christian. I love him unconditionally. I don't have to be around him or communicate with him. 

Interesting, how his denial will eventually break apart. He's not using dope right now-drinking probably heavy; working much. 

Whatever. You teach people how to treat you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Received another text last night "today is one of those days that I'm real sad southward happening to us. I know talking won't solve anything. I'm just sad for you and me."


I did not reply. I notice he's switching from anger to sadness. Which means he is recognizing his loss. He will attempt to reach out. Anger put up wall.

I'm not replying as I don't hear remorse. I dont hear responsibility. Things are just "happening" as if choices were never given. There have been many choices.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are doing the right thing not responding to him.

My bet is that he's trying to suck you in again, that's what the messages are about. Once he realizes that you are not going to play his game, he will probably get mean. That's usually the next step.

Just protect yourself emotionally and ignore him.

And I agree, there is no remorse in what he sent you. It's like he's talking about something that just happened out of the blue.. not something that he did that was profoundly wrong.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

All of that in three years? Take your papers and celebrate your freedom! Addicts can be horrible people and it's not that it's so much them, but they will do horrible things to you and not regret it once. They are also experts at refusing to take responsibility for anything and blame shifting. All you can do is remove yourself from their sphere of influence and let the cards fall where they may. I wouldn't respond at all, either, he has ulterior motives and the best thing is to stay out it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He left a voicemail last night. He said he was sorry for being so hard and mean.....said hes not sure if we can talk through this......


I did not respond. He needs a lot of work out of my presence. I've prayed for him to reconnect to God. That will need to be his priority. That is the only thing that should be a priority outside of our relationship....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I guess...since I did not repond. He texted the next morning "did you get the paperwork signed." (divorce paperwork)

I texted him back...how I did not wish for this to happen (it would take a bunch of work). I stated that I was prayinig for Gods will and hope he was also. In addition, I told him to do what he wants with the paperwork. 

His mother is coming over to get a cooler/table out of the garage and she's picking up the paperwork today. 

Some days, I want to pull the plug and other days...I want to save it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Corpuswife said:


> He left a voicemail last night. He said he was sorry for being so hard and mean.....said hes not sure if we can talk through this......
> 
> 
> I did not respond. He needs a lot of work out of my presence. I've prayed for him to reconnect to God. That will need to be his priority. That is the only thing that should be a priority outside of our relationship....



He needs to not use you as a crutch. He is fishing. If he cannot learn to alter his behavior on his own, he will keep using others to try and fix him.

Stay strong and steadfast. The goal is not to save the marriage, but yourself. To protect yourself from him and his issues. He is a black hole, pulling others into his problems and the ones dragged in do not help, only deal with it and that tends to lead to self harm.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you're not signing the divorce papers and don't want to divorce this guy?

That's just plain STUPID. I don't write that to offend, just to be factual.

Sign the papers and divorce. You don't have a reasonable alternative.

He's doing drugs; you knew he was an addict. He's drinking. He's having sex with prostitutes. He has E.D. He doesn't keep a steady job. He shows no remorse, because he's not sorry. Exactly what positive characteristics has he?
This guy will never be husband material for anyone. If you don't divorce your life will just be a long line of bad decisions......

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> These expression were on my voice mail 6 weeks ago; at my counseling session, in which he attended, prior to our vacation; and to his family.


Not to sound harsh, but words are cheap.

It's the actions that count.

I can say I'm a good person, but if my actions dictate otherwise, would you rather people think I'm good because I say so or because I *DO *so?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are right - he is not taking responsibility for his choices. They WERE choices. He made them. Now he is suffering the consequences but still not accepting it was due to his choices. 

Maybe divorce is his rock bottom. Maybe then he will accept the responsibility for his choices and grow and heal. Maybe even then you two can reconnect. But from what I've seen, by the time he gets to that point, the spouse that was hurt has moved on. Maybe not even with another person, but they have accepted things and are at peace with their new life and have no desire to go back and try - too much chance things could go south again.

This WILL be good for you. It MIGHT be good for him. But for the sake or your own sanity and for your children, he has to go and grow.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you're not signing the divorce papers and don't want to divorce this guy?
> 
> That's just plain STUPID. I don't write that to offend, just to be factual.
> 
> ...


Whew! I have signed the divorce papers and wouldn't want marriage as is....

He's a hard worker and works to much-70-84 hours a week. He is a good guys that has relapsed x 2 in our marriage, after 12 years of sobriety.

I agree this last relapse was horrible and a deal breaker.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are right - he is not taking responsibility for his choices. They WERE choices. He made them. Now he is suffering the consequences but still not accepting it was due to his choices.
> 
> Maybe divorce is his rock bottom. Maybe then he will accept the responsibility for his choices and grow and heal. Maybe even then you two can reconnect. But from what I've seen, by the time he gets to that point, the spouse that was hurt has moved on. Maybe not even with another person, but they have accepted things and are at peace with their new life and have no desire to go back and try - too much chance things could go south again.
> 
> This WILL be good for you. It MIGHT be good for him. But for the sake or your own sanity and for your children, he has to go and grow.


Thank you for your comments....it will be more peaceful. He will make his choices as he always has.

I will move on but still navigating the separation.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

His mom had to get a few things the next day and she picked up the signed divorce waiver. 

I texted him to "please make arrangements to pick up the rest of your things, including the truck. I would like to know a few days ahead of time."

He then decides to text me that he gave my 5k for MY taxes (he lived in the house) and that he would get his things on his next day off (when?) and to "stop being a controlling b*tch." Wow. That was nice, especially after the voicemail a few days ago apologizing for being so mean. 

I didn't respond. The anger rose again....I suppose that will allow him to file, he needs the anger. 

He has to be in bad shape-emotionally. I consider myself a stable personality; went through a few fires in life and come out better for them. I have support and a "team" of good people around me. He doesn't really but is seeing a counselor. If I am feeling this bad, I can only imagine how he must be doing.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Corpuswife said:


> he would get his things on his next day off (when?) and to "stop being a controlling b*tch."


Corpuswife, remember what is quoted above. Soon you will not have to be on his rollercoaster anymore, and you can have a peaceful life again.

You sound like a loving, stable person. You will be fine, whether you are alone or find love again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's Christmas Day. I will eat lunch with my mom and her husband. It's been quiet. My adult children are with their dad. My daughter will be home today, in the afternoon. I think she's been concerned about leaving me alone. I am fine and don't mind being alone really. 

I want to my church for Christmas Eve service last night with friends and my mother-in-law. She's so sweet and a very faithful Christian. I so appreciate her. We agreed that we (her and I) weren't getting a divorce. She says that my husband/her son, get quiet at times when she speaking (thinking) or other times he's angry and doesn't want to hear her. She's a gentle spirit but stated that she has faith that the marriage will be restored. 

I told her that I could not be around him, as is, and would take a lot of restoration in order for him to be at a place that would be husband material. She understood but still remains faithful. He had come around quite a bit, prior to vacation, but really needs much maturing in order to be the husband that I need. 

As I am walking through the pain, I feel stronger every day. I know my life will be good no matter what happens in my marriage. My husband isn't my destiny.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He made arrangements to come over tomorrow (Monday) at 10:30am to get the rest of his things. 

I will not be present when he comes. My young adult daughter will be here. He has a few trips to do. I have put the remainder of the inside stuff in the garage (bagged or boxed up).

He doesn't know that I will NOT be here. I can't do it anymore. It's to painful. It stirs me up and I am emotional for the day. He seems to come over in a state of anger and I suppose that's his defensive mechanism to make it through himself. Either way, I see no benefit to see him.

Technically, I see no other reason to see him. We don't have children together...we are in our early 50's. We have been married for almost 3 years. He has only spoke (via text or voicemail) of his sadness of this "happening to us" or "he was sorry for being so mean." He hasn't taken responsibility for his behaviors or initiative to do anything different.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He showed up as planned and I left my daughter to hang around. 

She said he got everything except the old truck. 

I was upset before he arrived and upset after, even though I did not see him. 

It's the strangest thing, to me, how someone can go from so loving "your the love of my life" to hating/anger. It's been so abrupt, like losing someone on a car accident aburpt. The grieving has been intense. 

I came to the realization that I may not see him again. It's extremely sad and intense. I understand the "why would I want to see him." I really don't as is...its the finality.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Addicts are selfish, all they care about is themselves and how they are going to get their fix. Doing anything for anyone else is something far from their mind unless they get something in return. Leaving him was a good thing hun. You did what you could, no one is perfect, but you did show him love and stood by him. He took advantage of you and messed up big time.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DanielleBennett said:


> Addicts are selfish, all they care about is themselves and how they are going to get their fix. Doing anything for anyone else is something far from their mind unless they get something in return. Leaving him was a good thing hun. You did what you could, no one is perfect, but you did show him love and stood by him. He took advantage of you and messed up big time.



Yes! Thank you DB. Addicts, even in recovery can be selfish if they don't do the work to mature. Mine really did a half-hearted attempt, but really on this vacay he took a huge step back.

Today, I woke up irritated thinking about the new water hose that I thought he hijacked in his move! LOL. I did find it but gave my friends a good laugh. It's so not like me to fret over material things (he does) and my friends cracked up that I got heated over a new water hose. 

Then, I started thinking about our 2015 taxes and filing married filing separately. We have to decide if we are taking a standard deduction or itemized-and file the same way. I itemize due to having my own business and home. He won't have anything to itemize. If I itemize, then he cannot take the standard deduction.

I was doing my empathetic thing...."well, that wouldn't be fair if he doesn't get to have a deduction." 

I woke up! This is the natural consequence of bad behavior; lack of responsibility taken; and filing for a divorce. I am itemizing no question!

Funny, how things run through our heads. FYI: I woke up detached as over. Hoping I never see him again, as is, and wondering why it took so long to get here. Just a joke-He "acted" out on November 14th!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpus,

It's amazing how "small" we can become when we wake up. Being a doormat is no fun and we suddenly swing to "zero tolerance".

It gets better. You will laugh again - promise.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm reaLy glad you made this decision. I think in time you will see that staying married to an addict that gets angry at you and goes and gets high and shacks up with prostitutes is no way to live. You seem pretty level headed. This guy is messing up. Will you have the strength to ignore all his pleas for forgiveness when they come? Think of what a controlling ***** you are when he asks. You can forgive him, but I can't imagine being married to a person that exhibits this type of behavior. I know how much it hurts and am very sorry you're having to go through this. There's happier days ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm reaLy glad you made this decision. I think in time you will see that staying married to an addict that gets angry at you and goes and gets high and shacks up with prostitutes is no way to live. You seem pretty level headed. This guy is messing up. Will you have the strength to ignore all his pleas for forgiveness when they come? Think of what a controlling ***** you are when he asks. You can forgive him, but I can't imagine being married to a person that exhibits this type of behavior. I know how much it hurts and am very sorry you're having to go through this. There's happier days ahead.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, ER...I have forgiven him but really he has to show significant behavior changes (outside of my home). 

So far, after a week of silence he texted today. Basically, saying how "I didn't get marry you to get divorce. I am sorry for you and me. Too much has happened. I will be going through with the filing." 

I responded back and forth but really spoke of commitmment; how I've done everything I could; how his relationship is between God and himself (he's also a Christian); him seeking out a pastor for guidance (he's in counseling now-secular)

He's very stuck in this place of "I am sad. I am sorry this has happened. ETC. Spiritually he is deaf. I did tell him that he's taken no responsibility and has been very self-focused. He hasn't realized those he left behind. 

I have been kind; loving which makes it confusing to "file."

FYI: He's filed but it was waiting on my divorce waiver to be signed. I did but I guess he didn't turn it in yet.

I am level-headed; stable and confident. I am just fine now. I will be fine later. I have peace through my relationship with Christ. I am truly blessed.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I finally had my own "break." I am long suffering and I know that about me. My tolerance level is high and then it's not. I believe in marriage and commitment.

Today, I texted him "again" to remove his beach truck from my drive way. He was ok with that (again) and said "tomorrow." Great. A day and time was given. 

He goes back into wanting his "stuff" which is all about what little control he has. He has more stuff and wants the Juicer, smoker, food processor, filet knives. We've been married for 3 years and purchase those things. However, he moved into an furnished-no mortgage home (mine). I don't argue. 

I shot back (humor). "I found a sock behind the dryer, do you want that also?" 

He texted "I am not coming back. I want your wedding ring back. You aren't going to wear it."

I texted "No on the ring. It was a gift for the commitment and promise that you gave me. You won't wear it either."

He texted...."another 6 k that you didn't spend?" 

It's all about material items and money. That is the only control for the divorce. I told him he's materialist and petty. Of course he tells me the same. 

It's like going back/forth with a junior high kid.

I told him that I see no reason to see or talk to him again.

He said "and the electric knife over the stove."

LOL. What a joke. I gain clarity every day.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

He's been a junior high kid all along.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I suppose that is what I have...a junior high kid all along. Doesn't surprise me with his history of addiction that his emotional maturity is stunted.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> I suppose that is what I have...a junior high kid all along. Doesn't surprise me with his history of addiction that his emotional maturity is stunted.


Forgive me for not having read the entire story, but he likely had a really bad upbringing.

That sort of core wound pollutes any adult relationship you have.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ReturntoZero said:


> Forgive me for not having read the entire story, but he likely had a really bad upbringing.
> 
> That sort of core wound pollutes any adult relationship you have.



His parents were married until his father died in 2012. His mother is a loving, dedicated, Christian woman. His father, was emotionally disconnected man that never said a "sorry, thank you, or I love you." It appears, that he was abused as a child (in some way) but he never talked about it other than hints given to his wife. His mother admits to overcompensating for the father's lack of connection. 

My husband is someone that CAN express "thank you, sorry, and I love you" however...there is such PRIDEFUL attitude with him. He is slow to process the wrongs that he does in his life. He eventfully will apologize and attempt to those that he cares about. However, conflict is extremely difficult for him (avoidance and defensiveness).

Due to my husbands substance abuse in his first marriage. He wasn't the stellar parent for his kids. He really had some contact but was an absentee father. He is extremely remorseful and has stated that he will never forgive himself. He had contact with both kids when we dated but later, ended up disconnecting due to a "falling out" over the telephone (they live in another state). He has began, this year, talking to his son, but his son is leery and stated that "he has to protect his own children."

So.......my husband is literally a mix of both parents. The loving, kind person and the person that can emotionally connect (think drugs; think shutdown; etc) in a harsh way.

Deep wounding? Probably. Many have it. I had it. I worked it out and thrive. Those that avoid don't give themselves an opportunity to grow.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Those that simply rub along as best they can greatly outnumber those who get serious and do the tough work on themselves.

Kudos to you.

Avoidant behavior never solves anything.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> I received a text from him, last night, while he was at work. It read:
> 
> "I don't want to hate you. I am sorry this is happening to us, but I think it's for the best."
> 
> ...



That's just him expressing his OWN sorrow at feeling the pain.

As most guys do, if they're not conditioned otherwise, they reach out and share those feels and pain; you're not the partner don't be part of it, certainly do not respond.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

spotthedeaddog said:


> That's just him expressing his OWN sorrow at feeling the pain.
> 
> As most guys do, if they're not conditioned otherwise, they reach out and share those feels and pain; you're not the partner don't be part of it, certainly do not respond.



Yes...you are right. I am in "business" of understanding and picking up on patterns of behavior. He's pretty transparent. 

I've had a few human moments...where I responded with logic over what happened. Sort of expressing how he's self focused and unable to see others pain, etc. 

He has officially gotten ALL of his things from my home. I told him that I see no reason to see or talk to him again. 

I am really doing a fine job through this grieving process. I am walking through it; not judging it; engaging in my spirituality; and reaching and helping others. 

He will suffer. I don't wish him harm. I pray that he has a fulfilling life and begins to deal with life on life's terms.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He called me last night and it went to voicemail. I didn't answer. Then he texted twice "Hey, I just wanted to talk." Then, "Can you talk?" Then he called again. I picked up.

He was at work (night shift) and said that he wasn't sure if things could work out. I told him, with anything, there are no guarantees with anything. 

I told him "I do know that in any relationship, you need to people 100% invested to make it work. There is nothing to guarantee the outcome. But if you or the other person, isn't at 100% then you shouldn't bother.'

He said "sometimes I just want out. Then other days, I don't."

We had other light conversation (dog, his migraines).

What I was looking for: 1. An I-messed-up...apology. I am looking for a humble man. 
2. A concern about me. How are you? He did ask me what I was doing? Not the same. 

--------------------I looked up, online, via our county clerk, that he has not turned in my divorce waiver. (This is required to set the court date). 

I know him. He isn't sure he has what it takes. He wants it but he has much amends to do. It seems overwhelming. 

My plan: Next call. I will let him know to call me (only) when he is ready to do something. I want to hear a humble person. I don't think he has it in him. Really. 

If he does....it will be a long road back. Living separately. Lifestyle changes. Walking in faith. Marriage work. Dating. Time.

Most folks may think I am crazy. Maybe?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpus,

I've walked that mile,

It depends on what you want and what you're willing to accept.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I received a text last night. He was asking for the concert tickets we had purchased in October. I knew he would as he cannot let anything lie that is material oriented. Plus, I believe it serves as a "reason" to contact me.

I told him to call me when he had a chance. He did. I asked him "where is your head regarding the divorce?" He said "I am following through with it. I said "do you have all of the paperwork turned in?" He said "yes. I am just waiting on the court date." I told him that I was looking forward to the concert. He said "ok. I will figure something out.??" I expressed that I wanted ti done.

My intention, for the phone call, was to encourage the divorce. I've come to the point. When he asked for the tickets, it was more of the same. He is no where near redemption. Among everything else that's happened-this was it for me.

I contacted my BF, she asked "who was he going to take?" I don't know. But I still have his credit card and I thought, I wonder if anything reveal itself. It did.

I found out, through the automated service...that when we came back from our vacation (if you can call it that), he signed up for Match.com. Just a few days later-no surprise. He was still angry and acting a fool. I found charged for sushi and place we discovered that was in a close by town. This was at the beginning of January.

It further confirmed my decision.

Then, he texted after after the phone conversation. "Did I pay for the tickets. I think I gave you the card to get them." I didn't reply and then 30 minutes later, he says "I guess I did pay for them since you didn't answer!"

He is cut out. I texted him "Leave me alone. I don't have anything to say to you. Just leave me alone."

He then says, "I am sorry I upset you."

"Can I have Baileys (puppy) for a few days?" ( I had originally said he could take her for a few days as I didn't want him to visit.)

I am not responding to anything. He doesn't deserve my response. I just need to know the date of the divorce that's it. Even that is iffy.

By the way, he lied about turning all the paperwork. The county website says different. Perhaps he will now. So looking forward to disconnecting, on paper and in my heart, from a cruel, evil man.
-------------------------------

Just found out he's on ourtime.com....complete with "divorced" and "loving family" and "looking for someone to share his life with????" 

I am so heartbroken. Taken for a ride. Stabbed in the back.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I have one question; I have done things for my ex, expensive AND cheap, just things that I intended to say "I love you." I wanted her to be happy but I also wanted to be the one making her happy. Is that wrong?


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

WhyMe66 said:


> I have one question; I have done things for my ex, expensive AND cheap, just things that I intended to say "I love you." I wanted her to be happy but I also wanted to be the one making her happy. Is that wrong?


If your doing it because it makes the both of you happy then its fine. However be careful that your not doing it as a way to "buy" her happiness and in turn you needing her to be happy in order for you to be happy.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

It made me happy to do things for her, to make her happy... Not to make her dependent on me-just to cause her to think "he was thinking of me!" Just trying to be thoughtful. Moot point now, since she has taken up with her f***buddy.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> It made me happy to do things for her, to make her happy... Not to make her dependent on me-just to cause her to think "he was thinking of me!" Just trying to be thoughtful. Moot point now, since she has taken up with her f***buddy.


Bitterness is not your friend.

Have you read any works by Anthony DeMello? One of the faves here is a short pamphlet called "Awareness".

DeMello "was" a Catholic priest. "Awareness" is a collection of his presentations to various groups of assembled folks hoping to gain insight from his wisdom. He died in 1987, but his words are timeless.

He cautions against doing things that make you feel bad about yourself. And, you'd be surprised how easily you can fall into doing those things as a habit.

If you're interested in discussing this concept, it can help you regain your personal power. We can never have too much of that.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

WhyMe66
I totally get what you are talking about. That is exactly what I would do for my husband. Just get him little things from time to time to show that I was thinking of him. Maybe things he talked about wanting/liking and I would remember what he said and make it a point even to look. It was how I could let him know I was thinking of him. I even threw him 2 huge birthday parties based on me just listening to what he wanted...both surprises. But over the past couple of years I stopped because it was never reciprocated (not even at times when I specifically asked for certain things like at Christmas) and looking back nothing I did ever got a reaction of appreciation from him. He just always acted like it was expected, deserved and that somehow his wants were always way more important than anybody else's, and that now includes my son as well. That's the hardest thing to deal with right now for me, of course besides the betrayal.
I don't know if I have been blind all these years, in denial or just stupid. I don't think what you did was wrong. You were just trying to be a thoughtful loving spouse. For whatever reason our spouses just felt that they could take all that for granted, stomp our faces in the dirt and piss all over our hearts. They suck.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Send me a link.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> Send me a link.


http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


 Thank you kindly.


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