# Best way to get back?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

perhaps this is a question for the ladies. My wife has filed for divore which will be final in about 8 weeks. There are no big reasons like cheating, etc, but a lot of other things like I don't make her feel special, so she doesn't love me anymore. We came to an agreement with the division very easily, and things are civil between us. reconciliation seems hopeless right now, but just for the sake of argument, what might I possibly do to convince her to try again? I assume nagging her all the time trying to convince her that i will change and that I still love her would possibly drive her farther away. Would just being nice and perhaps mentioning it again as the time grows closer be best? Should I invite her out to eat or write her a nice letter. On one hand there's the feeling of "what have i got to loose," but we have a civil relationship now as we are dealing with the children and i wouldn't want that to change if divorce is what will come to pass. I just want to know that i have given it my all, but I don't want to do something silly that just makes it worse. I have heard of people actually deciding to give it another shot on their court date.


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## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

I'm currently married and seems to feel the way your wife does. I've asked him to move into another room and us live in the same house but apart for now. (until I figure out what I want).

I would love for him to come to me and talk, tell me how he truly feels and what he really wants out of this relationship. Heck a letter would be nice too. So I suggest asking her to lunch or dinner and tell her what you want, she may want the same thing, just can't ask for it. I wish you the best of luck!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Once you figure out what your wife's love languages are, you'll know what steps to take. Also, try to drag the divorce process out. Begging and pleading won't help your cause at this point. You are correct; all of that negative behavior will drive her the opposite direction.

Hope you can change her mind.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

If I wrote her a letter or talked, what would a woman be most interested in hearing about my feelings? I'm not asking that so I can make up something that I think she wants to hear, I just know that men and women often think differently and my heart is full of feelings and I just want to give her the ones that are important to her and not waste time telling her something that I think is important but not to her. Thanks.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

All you can do at this point is have her fall in love with you again, just like in the beginning, really listen to her, look right at her when you speak, do little things for her that she will notice.
a nice hug, a kiss or touch on the cheek...
Being calm and loving in your actions and tone.....
Try to arrange time to be spent together, even if it's with the kids, try to remember the good times.......
Tell her that this whole process has changed you for the better that you have had to do a lot of soul searching and you feel like you know more and look forward to learning all you can about being a good person and a caring loving father......
Give her a thought that she can hang on to............show her the man you need to be to win her back, don't be afraid to say how you feel..........nothing wrong with being honest and real......
The book Aug suggests is a good one, and remember you can continue this for as long as you like, even if you are not living in the same house, nothing is written in stone, 
Maybe you underestimate yourself, you are a fighter at heart and your marriage and your family is a great thing to fight for.....
Be a man she can be proud of.........


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## Wantloveback (Nov 22, 2010)

First, you should make a list of things YOU want to work on and set goals for your self to be a better person. Don't make a promise that you know you can not keep. Women hate that!

What were your problems when you were together? Think about how you could have worked out your fights different, etc.

Don't beg! Tell her okay, this is what I want, this is what I need and tell her you love her and you believe this could work.

Have her explain what she wants and needs from you.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

jessi said:


> All you can do at this point is have her fall in love with you again, just like in the beginning, really listen to her, look right at her when you speak, do little things for her that she will notice.
> a nice hug, a kiss or touch on the cheek...
> Being calm and loving in your actions and tone.....
> Try to arrange time to be spent together, even if it's with the kids, try to remember the good times.......
> ...


Thanks, you made some good points. As for the kissing, etc., I we are seperated and she has let me know that she is not interested in any kind of physical intimacy, so I don't have that as an option.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

She will be disapointed in any long trem relationship. Its not your job to make her feel special. 

do you love her? tell her
do you think she is sexy? tell her
do you provide for her? tell her


Now if she has been telling you that she is unhappy(as long as they are reasonable requests) and you ignored her pleas then.Tell her you will try harder to be a better husband and to give you another try for the sake of everybody. 

good luck


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> She will be disapointed in any long trem relationship. Its not your job to make her feel special.
> 
> do you love her? tell her
> do you think she is sexy? tell her
> ...



She certainly thinks it is my job to make her feel special. that's one of her major complaints. I've tried your suggestions in the past, but they don't seem to do any good.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You really need to read "The Five Love Languages" and both of you take the quiz in the book. I can see now "words of affirmation" and "physical touch" aren't her "love languages". At this point you seem to be guessing at what makes her feel happy, content, and loved.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

827Aug said:


> You really need to read "The Five Love Languages" and both of you take the quiz in the book. I can see now "words of affirmation" and "physical touch" aren't her "love languages". At this point you seem to be guessing at what makes her feel happy, content, and loved.


Yes, I'm guessing. We can't do anything mutually because she refuses. She refuses counceling, or even the idea that we can work it out. as far as she's concerned, it's over. We are separated, so I don't know what I might do before the divorce is final in the next few weeks to change her mind.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your wife really doesn't have to participate to use the techniques in the book. The book does address that too. The book also works where children, employees, friends, etc. are involved. I learned a lot from reading it--I even understand what I have to have in a relationship now.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like you might have "Walk Away Wife" syndrome on your hands. Google it and read it. If you think it fits the situation, the prognosis isn't good. She gave up on you a LONG time ago and you thought things were fine b/c you had "won" (ie, you got her to back off/quit nagging.)

She may well have the attitude that she does not WANT someone who will only agree to change b/c she threatend to leave--she would see that as you changing to protect yourself, not changing b/c she deserved better. 

I hope I'm wrong. I just don't want you barking up the wrong tree. Maybe Love Languages will help; can't hurt to try. And remember, you can always get married again even if the divorce goes through now (esp. if you keep things good b/c of the kids; she will DEFINITELY appreciate that!) Good luck.


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