# Is this crossing a boundary line?



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Need some opinions on this situation: a man and woman who work together were flirting and had some sexually suggestive conversations together which both deemed as innocent until the man's girlfriend asked him to stop. He didn't realize his interactions at work bothered his girlfriend until she told him. He then stopped giving the co-worker attention and ended the suggestive talking to the girl at work. However, for his birthday, this same girl at his work got a cake for him; which he felt was "really thoughtful." The girlfriend is again upset. What could he/should he have done in this situation? I can't see him refusing the cake/Happy Birthday wishes since he didn't ask for it. How should the girlfriend now feel about this? He never actually discussed anything with the co-worker; just stopped interacting with her. Any advice out there?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Unless the cake had a picture of the coworker's naked boobs on it, I think the GF is overreacting.

GF had concerns, she voiced her concerns, the BF stopped the objectionable behavior. Seems to me that this GF wants to control every single aspect of her boyfriend's life. Good luck with that.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

It sounds like the man needs to re-evaluate his dedication to his girlfriend-the flirting and sexual content of his conversation with his coworker was totally inappropriate on all levels.

The question I would ask him,is why he felt flirting with a coworker was ok? Did he initiate these inappropriate conversations or did his coworker? If he valued his coworker in a business relationship,he never would have initiated or "played along" with that situation and visa versa concerning the coworker. If he was using the sexually driven situation to energize himself to be productive at work and/or possibly make a coworker more "energized" to work with him at work-a sleazy tactic no matter how you look at it.

I've always believed whether you're single or have an open marriage that flirting(even without intent)and/or actively seeking a coworker to date(or allowing someone to ask you)SHOULD NEVER BE INITIATED OR ACTED UPON at your place of work no matter what. Your personal life is something you should seperate from your business life-otherwise you end up dealing with sexual harrassment,possible bad break ups or having your name trashed around the office. 

Women especially need to be careful because as I've seen several times, *some*men are not shy to use women both sexually and use them as leverage in the company!(I understand women try this as well although men are much more socially allowed to sleep with coworkers/bosses without ruining their business reputations which is the opposite for most women). One business I worked at, I had to tell my boss my male coworker was planning to do that to her-she thought he really wanted a relationship with her,turned out the big mouth jack azz was trying to sleep with her 'cause she was really good looking as well as use that against her to get her management job(she thanked me for giving her the heads up!!:smthumbup

I've worked in several companies that like to give cakes to people on their birthdays-not unusual. The question is, was the cake itself provided on behalf of all staff, or was it intended to be JUST from that flirt/coworker?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sounds like GF does not TRUST BF; this is NOT good! Since GF cannot be with BF every minute of the day (thank goodness), she either needs to GROW UP or MOVE ON. 

First, it's conversation. Then it's wishes/cake. What is GF going to object to next...lunch? business meeting? Another woman talking/interacting with BF? 

5Creed, I assume you're the BF. If so, YOU need to decide how much positive you're getting out of this relationship vs. how much negative (she's already suggested that ANY interaction with this co-worker is suspicious; implying that YOU'RE NOT TRUSTWORTHY. Do you not find THAT highly insulting? In GF'S mind, every day you get up and go to work is a day that you might decide to just start screwing someone for the heck of it!?!) 

Jealousy is an ugly and immature behavior. Don't think that saying "I do" is going to alleviate GF of her jealous tendencies. It may become worse (now you're my HUSBAND, now we have KIDS....)

Just my 2 cents, but look at the TOTALITY of your relationship and see ALL that you're REALLY getting into BEFORE you say "I do".


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Daisy, I guess you find that kind of paranoia useful in your life. I hope so.

I don't, and I would never tolerate a partner who does.

We're all grownups here.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Flirting and sexual talks would NOT be okay with me in my relationship. The cake thing seems a bit blown out of proportion, but maybe the girlfriend is uncomfortable with the friendship because of the above mentioned. I don't know how I'd feel, but probably be a little anxious about it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The guy in this situation can't control the actions of the co-worker. The GF should realize that. Especially if the guy stopped the flirting.

GF still feels threatened by this other woman. Not much can be done about that, it's her monkey.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

They work together, he stopped the questionable behavior and it's JUST a cake. Happens in offices all over the world everyday.

I think the GF is overreacting.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your question, "Is this crossing a boundary line?" isn't one we can answer. Clearly, it's crossed some sort of line for your girlfriend. However, if you are okay with it, then you should let your girlfriend know it's up to her to either accept it or leave. But, the kicker is, you don't get to decide how she feels about it or how she reacts to your choices. She may very well decide that leaving is the better option for her. And if she does, it wouldn't be irrational or immature of her, it would simply be her enforcing her own boundaries regarding what she will and will not accept in a relationship. 


Now, I will say that my husband described his "friendship" with the woman who turned out to be his affair partner in a very similar manner to the situation you described. He also tried to brush off my irritation when she continued to send him cards, approach him at parties, and pass along messages to him through mutual aquaintances and family members - after I had requested, and he had agreed, to have no contact with her. No, he could not control her behavior. However, he could control how he responded to it. He could have very firmly let her know that he wished to have no further contact with her each and every time she started "fishing" again. That he failed to do that is one of the reasons our efforts at recovery after his affair failed - he just didn't demonstrate, to either her or me, that he was all that serious about breaking contact with her.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yeh but the GF wouldnt be feeling paranoid about the relationship if the BF hadnt been exchanging sexual/flirty txts with the co worker!!
This is totaly the BFs bag, and if the GF is feeling anxious/worried about the co worker then thats his fault!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I disagree with both Rowan and Daisy. And that's what makes horseraces.

And websites


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, I disagree with both Rowan and Daisy. And that's what makes horseraces.
> 
> And websites


Maybe its because those of us who have been cheated on by our Hs with co workers see some red flags in the situation!

I think its a case of "i see cheaters...everywhere!!"


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

People buy cakes for their colleagues. There's nothing unusual about that unless at this place of employment no one ever gets a cake for anyone else. I've worked at a variety of places from nonprofits to private companies and it's my experience that cake buying isn't a seduction move. I know they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach but I think in truth it's about five inches below that. 

I don't know what this boyfriend could have done really. Did he know ahead of time this woman was going to get a cake for him? 

I think the girlfriend is blowing the cake buying out of proportion. If he doesn't interact with this woman, he keeps all interactions completely professional and there's no interaction after work, I say let bygones be bygones.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

DG, exactly!

I know that. I just have the need to call it out occasionally, hope you'll forgive


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

How did the GF find out about the cake? Did the BF tell her? And if so, how? I think that makes a difference here. Cuz if he came home and said "Woman-I-used-to-sexually-banter-with bought me a cake, wasn't that thoughtful?" and I was the GF I would suspect the BF (still?) had feelings for the cake giver and feel threatened.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

And...I think the BF should explicitly tell the cake-giver what's going on - i.e. why he stopped interacting with her the way he did. (And not "my GF is oppressively paranoid so I gotta stop" kind of way) The cake could be her way of trying to get back to being banter buddies again 'cause she is in the dark about what happened. The FACT that she gave him a special cake I think means she wants to be his special friend. GF isn't crazy.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

lamaga said:


> DG, exactly!
> 
> I know that. I just have the need to call it out occasionally, hope you'll forgive


Course i do!
No offence taken.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm now of the mind, after dealing with rumors of an affair, that if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. It doesn't matter how much I nag H not to talk to other women or get worried that he's talking to people that I don't want him to talk to. 

If she asked her BF not to talk to the woman and he stopped, yet she bought him a cake, I would think that the GF would be more worried about the motive behind gifting the cake. At least, that's what I would worry about. I don't think it's BF's fault that she feels anxious or worried because no one is at fault for our own emotions. The GF needs to deal with her own responsibility in the way she feels about this and BF needs to make it absolutely clear that he will only have a professional relationship with his flirty coworker.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Ah, with all respect, Firebelly, GF is crazy.

And if he has to talk to coworker, he absolutely should phrase it in terms of "GF is obsessively paranoid". Because that seems to be the case.

Adults do not control the actions of the people they love. I know this is anathema around here, but no. Adults respect each other and respect each other's opinions. If GF has a problem then GF needs to deal with that with BF. Leave Cake lady out of it until there is some kind of reasonable evidence of a problem -- a birthday cake in an office setting is not reasonable evidence of a problem.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Unless the *cake had a picture of the coworker's naked boobs* on it, I think the GF is overreacting.
> 
> GF had concerns, she voiced her concerns, the BF stopped the objectionable behavior. Seems to me that this GF wants to control every single aspect of her boyfriend's life. Good luck with that.


NOW I like cake even more!!!!


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Ah, with all respect, Firebelly, GF is crazy.
> 
> And if he has to talk to coworker, he absolutely should phrase it in terms of "GF is obsessively paranoid". Because that seems to be the case.
> 
> Adults do not control the actions of the people they love. I know this is anathema around here, but no. Adults respect each other and respect each other's opinions. If GF has a problem then GF needs to deal with that with BF. Leave Cake lady out of it until there is some kind of reasonable evidence of a problem -- a birthday cake in an office setting is not reasonable evidence of a problem.


I respect your opinion lamaga - I also think there may be some things about the story we're not hearing.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Quite possible, Firebelly, quite possible.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Who says the flirting was out of line? Who says it was even flirting, and not just office repartee?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Flirting and sexual talks would NOT be okay with me in my relationship. The cake thing seems a bit blown out of proportion, but maybe the girlfriend is uncomfortable with the friendship because of the above mentioned. I don't know how I'd feel, but probably be a little anxious about it.


THIS. She is obviously uncool with it because it is the same female who was already having inappropriate conversations with said male. Game recognize game and females are usually pretty good at being able to tell when another female is interested in her man, and this man in particular admitted to inappropriate conversations, not cool.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Possibly --- and crazy jealous women are crazy jealous women. We simply do not have enough information in this case, we are all just imposing our own experiences and biases.


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

It is perfectly normal to accept the cake. He told you, so as long as he is making it clear at work that he is committed to the GF then I think it needs to be let go.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Providing the BF has stopped his flirty conversations with the co-worker, the GF is being a little unreasonable about the birthday cake. It's my guess she's still uneasy about the relationship, but has to realise that the BF could hardly refuse the cake.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Well. I think the guy should have given the cake buyer a weird look and said "No thanks." I've never seen or heard of one coworker giving another a birthday cake. Cakes from a group of coworkers, yes, but never individuals giving cakes to each other.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Guy flirts, guy stops, guy respectful of GF's request.
Girl flirt buys cake..GF not impressed.

My Husband innocently jokes around - Me thinks no big deal.
Girls bake him B'day cakes & scones anytime - Me thinks no big deal. They send home cheescake for me, me really likes them.

If my husband flirts, husband stops, respects my request.
Girl flirt buys cake & cheesecake for me...Me not impressed.

Difference being sexual nature of initial conversations.

Husbands work mates bake him cakes/cheesecakes all year round, they know I don't like baking, he likes cakes, I like cheesecake, we are both very cool with this.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Some more background information~I am not the BF, but a friend of his girlfriend. I have my own issues with boundaries and co-workers as my STBX had an affair of his own with a co-worker. My friend has been cheated on before and so has her BF. So-I came here asking for advice since my own issues with co-worker relationships are probably coming more from an emotional side and I don't really feel confident giving her good, sound healthy advice about the situation.

Her BF according to him; had this sexually inappropriate banter back and forth with the woman he works with for about a year now. My friend told him how she felt about the conversations they were having and he quit talking to her this way. Did not ever explain why to the co-worker; he just did it. The co-worker has other men she talks to this way; his workplace is male dominated and after the BF stopped reciprocating, she also stopped these types of conversations with him but continued on with the other men there.

My friend is a bit insecure but does not want to be controlling which she knows is not possible anyway. She realizes-as I told her-that she can not be with him 24/7 and what goes on at work is out of her control. She does need to trust him if she is going to stay with him. I have a feeling the co-worker is feeling out the BF a little bit to see if they can go back to their old banter etc. but who knows? The cake was her idea and she organized it; but it was given to the BF by other people at work too.

I think my friend is still a bit threatened by this work situation but again if she doesn't like it or it starts to be a problem, then time for her to move on. Comes down to trust and since I am personally no where near that; I am not the best role model for her!

Lots of good advice and varied~Thanks everyone!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

All I can say is yes, a boundary has been crossed. From my own experience with unwelcome, treading females, all they'd have to do is sneeze in my H's direction and that would be too much for me. A little sensitivity to OPs hypothetical GF is in order. She is the one who was wronged in the first place by her H and the flirty coworker.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

First off, this thread has been a trigger for me.

Basically, the entire reason I am here on TAM, the entire reason I have went through hell for almost 2 years now started the same way as the OP's friend's story. So, yes it makes me a little upset to see people posting that the GF is "crazy", etc.

I am the "crazy wife" now at my H's office. Why? B/c I thought it was inappropriate the number of texts he and a female co-worker had, the times of days they were happening, the "jokes" they did for each other, the favors they did for each other, the flirty messages. On and on. 

And guess what? My H said I was "crazy" to think such things were anything other than office fun. I was the ONE who had a problem-not my H who betrayed me, humiliated me, lied over and over again. I was the crazy one. H and everyone in his office were the "Normal, Moral people. Hell, the OW was also f'ing the H of a pregnant lady at the time.

I will be glad to be considered crazy as long as I am not sharing any category as the "normal" people.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It all comes down to trust; doesn't it? And when your spouse is in an EA with a co-worker which happens over and over and over on TAM, it is so devastating to a BS.

I also was told by my STBX that I was reading too much into things, they were just friends, she needed a shoulder to cry on about her own divorce, the numerous texts and late night conversations without my knowing about it was just his way of helping his very close friend, and him sleeping with his phone under his pillow-pathetic by the way-was just in case someone needed to get ahold of him. These behaviors are no way a BS's fault.

I do not plan on ever getting married again, but I do know that if I had stayed, I would not have been able to get a handle on ever trusting my STBX again, so I too might have been considered a crazy lady too.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

5Creed said:


> It all comes down to trust; doesn't it? And when your spouse is in an EA with a co-worker which happens over and over and over on TAM, it is so devastating to a BS.
> 
> I also was told by my STBX that I was reading too much into things, they were just friends, she needed a shoulder to cry on about her own divorce, the numerous texts and late night conversations without my knowing about it was just his way of helping his very close friend, and him sleeping with his phone under his pillow-pathetic by the way-was just in case someone needed to get ahold of him. These behaviors are no way a BS's fault.
> 
> I do not plan on ever getting married again, but I do know that if I had stayed, I would not have been able to get a handle on ever trusting my STBX again, so I too might have been considered a crazy lady too.


Yep-I took the "crazy lady" route and decided to stay and try to work things out. There hasn't been a day yet that I haven't had to think about "Is H doing XYZ?" or "Did I make the right choice?'"

But now it may be only once a day compared to 30 times a day a year ago :lol:

As close as I have gotten to revenge or acting out, etc. I can honestly say I still have my morals intact and that is what no one at that office can say they have. Call me crazy :rofl:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes it does, and let me tell you all how hard it is to just trust, especially once you've been betrayed. The worst is when the betrayer doesn't even think he or she is doing anything wrong, and you have to spend month after month trying to get them to see what it is that they're doing. Get them to realize that you're not just some crazy, jealous, suspicious, untrusting GF/W....then, the stupidest little things trigger you.

If I wasn't crazy before, I certainly am now.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> Yep-I took the "crazy lady" route and decided to stay and try to work things out. *There hasn't been a day yet that I haven't had to think about "Is H doing XYZ?" or "Did I make the right choice?'"
> 
> But now it may be only once a day compared to 30 times a day a year ago :lol:*
> 
> As close as I have gotten to revenge or acting out, etc. I can honestly say I still have my morals intact and that is what no one at that office can say they have. Call me crazy :rofl:


Then you made the right choice. I am here because I was lied to by my H from the beginning; and not a day goes by that I don't think about it several times. The other day he said he hoped it would one day just 'go away'. I long for them to go away, these triggering thoughts...


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Mrs1980: You didn't take the crazy lady route, you just did what was right for you and your marriage and I am happy it worked out for you. Just goes to show you that it can work if both spouses are willing to work at it!

Candie: I am sorry that things are the way they are. I can empathize with you and do hope things start looking up for you.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Then you made the right choice. I am here because I was lied to by my H from the beginning; and not a day goes by that I don't think about it several times. The other day he said he hoped it would one day just 'go away'. I long for them to go away, these triggering thoughts...


To be honest Candie, I don't think my thoughts will ever completely go away. I think they will get less and less frequent and easier for me to handle barring any other major issues with my H.

Maybe this is overly dramatic but the "cutesy office husband" roleplay has changed EVERYTHING about my outlook, relationships, etc. So I think it's dangerous to simplify these relationships or make the BS or BGF in this case out to the villain. Just my two cents for today.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> To be honest Candie, I don't think my thoughts will ever completely go away. I think they will get less and less frequent and easier for me to handle barring any other major issues with my H.
> 
> Maybe this is overly dramatic but the "cutesy office husband" roleplay has changed EVERYTHING about my outlook, relationships, etc. So I think it's dangerous to simplify these relationships or make the BS or BGF in this case out to the villain. Just my two cents for today.


Well, I don't think you're over-dramatic at all. Our problems all started because my H couldn't (wouldn't) tell me the truth about a woman he'd dated 2 years prior to our meeting. He told me she'd been just a friend....why he left out the detail that they'd been an intimate couple, I'll never know, but it cut deep. Now, I don't trust a thing he says about any woman at all, and it's a tough spot to be in. I trigger a lot...I get mad at him...

It's funny, too, this office husband/wife routine that seems all too commonplace today. 2 of my colleagues just had an argument today, over a 3rd colleague who has an 'office husband'. One thought there was nothing wrong with this kind of behaviour, and the other is downright disgusted. I'm trying to mind my own business, but to be honest, I'm worried that there's going to be an angry REAL LIFE WIFE down in the parking lot one day, to fix my 3rd colleague's clock.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm with you gals-call me paranoid, but I too have dealt with my partner's EA's(many over the years) and him claiming ignorance or lack of responsibility.

Lamaga-I've always enjoyed your refreshing opinion at TAM,but in this case calling me paranoid for believing flirting at work is inappropriate seems a little ridiculous.

As some have you know, I've been married for 15 years now. I suspected back in '98 my partner was flirting with other women. I remember having a wife of his school buddy constantly flirting with him(in front of her husband). My partner stated he would never "cheat" with her,yet he loved the ATTENTION she gave him...on my side,she was completely rude to me when we happened to talk-it didn't take a genius to see he was using her to boost his ego

I will say getting to work with hubby back in 2009-and seeing him openly flirt with YOUNG coworkers was both shocking and hurtful. All those years of him playing INNOCENT...do you know what it's like to have young stupid tarts vying for your partner? Some of those ladies knew I was his wife

The thing is, my husband spent the first 10+ years claiming the EA's were ALL IN MY HEAD yet I was the one dealing with women who were rude,mean and downright nasty towards me-and my husband DID NOTHING other than lamblast me instead

Call me paranoid or crazy,I finally realized how sleazy my partner has been-and to some degree it still infuriates me when I think about it. I ALWAYS told my husband from day one(November 1997 to be exact), that honesty and respect were important to me in a relationship. He's all about hiding,lying and manipulating to get what he wants-regardless whether he hurts other women or me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

My apologies, Daisy.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, I don't think you're over-dramatic at all. Our problems all started because my H couldn't (wouldn't) tell me the truth about a woman he'd dated 2 years prior to our meeting. He told me she'd been just a friend....why he left out the detail that they'd been an intimate couple, I'll never know, but it cut deep. Now, I don't trust a thing he says about any woman at all, and it's a tough spot to be in. I trigger a lot...I get mad at him...
> 
> It's funny, too, this office husband/wife routine that seems all too commonplace today. 2 of my colleagues just had an argument today, over a 3rd colleague who has an 'office husband'. One thought there was nothing wrong with this kind of behaviour, and the other is downright disgusted. I'm trying to mind my own business, but to be honest, I'm worried that there's going to be an angry REAL LIFE WIFE down in the parking lot one day, to fix my 3rd colleague's clock.


That's part of the problem now-his work, his whole office, his co-workers that knew about stuff and didn't tell me-ALL triggers for me. And I despise them all. They looked in my eyes at parties knowing so much that I didn't and smiled. I have been working through the revenge urges-some of the evidence I found back in the beginning could get some of H's co worker's fired, some political/public relations ramifications, etc. So as down as I get sometimes and feel like I am a bad person-I only used the information I needed for my own relationship (well I did alert the pregnant wife of h's co worker about some stuff) but I didn't try to hurt anyone maliciously just b/c I got hurt by my h. So I guess I am a decent person:scratchhead: Just crazy lol


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> That's part of the problem now-his work, his whole office, his co-workers that knew about stuff and didn't tell me-ALL triggers for me. And I despise them all. They looked in my eyes at parties knowing so much that I didn't and smiled. I have been working through the revenge urges-some of the evidence I found back in the beginning could get some of H's co worker's fired, some political/public relations ramifications, etc. So as down as I get sometimes and feel like I am a bad person-I only used the information I needed for my own relationship (well I did alert the pregnant wife of h's co worker about some stuff) but I didn't try to hurt anyone maliciously just b/c I got hurt by my h. So I guess I am a decent person:scratchhead: Just crazy lol


Well, I'm crazy too, because I contacted my H's 'friend' following her resurfacing last Christmas, fishing for my husband's attention. I was told by some on here that the woman would think I was the 'crazy wife'. Well, I don't care what some old wh0re thinks of me, I just wanted her gone. And it worked, but even still, I worry that she might resurface again, just to cause sh!t...the next time she does, is when I expose her fishing a$$ to the world. Pardon me, I mean HER world. 

Sorry. It's been a triggery week for me...


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, I'm crazy too, because I contacted my H's 'friend' following her resurfacing last Christmas, fishing for my husband's attention. I was told by some on here that the woman would think I was the 'crazy wife'. Well, I don't care what some old wh0re thinks of me, I just wanted her gone. And it worked, but even still, I worry that she might resurface again, just to cause sh!t...the next time she does, is when I expose her fishing a$$ to the world. Pardon me, I mean HER world.
> 
> Sorry. It's been a triggery week for me...


It's ok  Me too!

I texted the office skank and busted her last year. The genius had some dudes call me and threaten me. On VOICEMAIL. :rofl:
But she has stayed away since. I guess crazy gets **** done.


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Sorry i did not read the whole thread so i do not know what the current conversation is about to the OP however, i dont think you can cross a line if you dont have knowledge of the line or intent to hurt your partner.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

butternutsquash said:


> Sorry i did not read the whole thread so i do not know what the current conversation is about to the OP however, i dont think you can cross a line if you dont have knowledge of the line or intent to hurt your partner.


Yeah, I guess talking to someone who is not your spouse/partner about sexual flirty things like the OP stated was happening is a grey area. Give me a break :scratchhead:


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## butternutsquash (Jun 1, 2012)

Mrs1980 said:


> Yeah, I guess talking to someone who is not your spouse/partner about sexual flirty things like the OP stated was happening is a grey area. Give me a break :scratchhead:



I dont know what was said or the dynamics of his relationship. He said he did not know this would upset her. Maybe he lying to himself and us by saying this and your right. its possible however i was assuming that he wasnt.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

hmm I better send H an email, explicity stating that I would not like it if he banged a stripper tonight. And all other sex acts, etc. That way I'm covered. He can't say he didn't know I would be upset by that. lol :rofl:


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Don't be disingenuous, Mrs1980.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

5Creed said:


> Some more background information~I am not the BF, but a friend of his girlfriend. I have my own issues with boundaries and co-workers as my STBX had an affair of his own with a co-worker. My friend has been cheated on before and so has her BF. So-I came here asking for advice since my own issues with co-worker relationships are probably coming more from an emotional side and I don't really feel confident giving her good, sound healthy advice about the situation.
> 
> Her BF according to him; had this sexually inappropriate banter back and forth with the woman he works with for about a year now. My friend told him how she felt about the conversations they were having and he quit talking to her this way. Did not ever explain why to the co-worker; he just did it. The co-worker has other men she talks to this way; his workplace is male dominated and after the BF stopped reciprocating, she also stopped these types of conversations with him but continued on with the other men there.
> 
> ...


If your friend and her BF are at the point where they are in an exclusive, committed relationship, then it sounds like they need to be having some discussions about what are acceptable and appropriate boundaries for each of them in regards to interactions with the opposite sex, in the workplace and out of it, so they are both on the same page.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's so easy to be termed the "crazy" or "jealous" spouse / partner. This happened to me when my partner and his ex-girlfriend (a former friend of mine who, at that stage, was engaged to be married) texted one another ad nauseam. For months I resisted reacting to any of it (apart from eventually insisting that he refrain from texting her whilst in my company), for fear of being termed "jealous," but eventually I had enough of her telling me how he was still in love with her (which I believe was pure fantasy) and him fuelling the flames by keeping in touch with her. When the crap eventually hit the fan, I was disinvited to her wedding (but not him) and labelled jealous and controlling. Her reason for disinviting me was due to the fact I would be jealous if he danced with her!


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Mrs1980 said:


> I am the "crazy wife" now at my H's office. Why? B/c I thought it was inappropriate the number of texts he and a female co-worker had, the times of days they were happening, the "jokes" they did for each other, the favors they did for each other, the flirty messages. On and on.
> 
> I will be glad to be considered crazy as long as I am not sharing any category as the "normal" people.


Can really relate to how you feel, I'm the "crazy" wife of a PA husband. 

It's so unjust! :scratchhead:


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Don't be disingenuous, Mrs1980.


Sorry-that's just the crazy wife coming out in me Iamaga :rofl:


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> People buy cakes for their colleagues. There's nothing unusual about that unless at this place of employment no one ever gets a cake for anyone else. I've worked at a variety of places from nonprofits to private companies and it's my experience that cake buying isn't a seduction move. I know they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach but I think in truth it's about five inches below that.
> 
> I don't know what this boyfriend could have done really. Did he know ahead of time this woman was going to get a cake for him?
> 
> I think the girlfriend is blowing the cake buying out of proportion. If he doesn't interact with this woman, he keeps all interactions completely professional and there's no interaction after work, I say let bygones be bygones.


This is simple. The boyfriend screwed up in two ways. First, he engaged in flirty sexual boundary crossing conversation with a female coworker. 2. he did not make the boundary clear to the coworker post conversation with his girlfriend and she went out and got him a cake.
Girlfriend does not want to find out about any type of deposits being made by either the boyfriend or the coworker into one another's love bank. If the coworker went out on her own to get this cake, if this is not a job she takes upon herself for all coworkers birthdays, then it is the boyfriends job to make it more clear to her that they are to be professional and leave the gestures for a non committed person.
Girlfriend has every right to be upset to hear of these gestures post conversation with her boyfriend. He needs to establish boundaries with the coworker and the cake means he has not done so. if I was the girlfriend I would personally make sure the OW understood that he is committed to me and you need to concentrate your efforts elsewhere.
If the whole office bought the cake that would be one thing, if they do it for all employees then fine. I doubt that was the case here...


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think most of the advice on here is actually missing the mark on giving any advice. No offense to anyone, as I think many of you have suffered really bad and I am terribly sorry. The issue here is really behind the BF and GF having an honest discussion about boundaries. If the BF thinks that his behavior is perfectly normal, and that it is ok, and the GF disagrees, they have to either make a compromise on this or think about their relationship. Letting issues like this just slide along without some serious discussion can bring up problems in the future. My suggestion would to be to sit down and talk about boundaries and hash it out over some coffee. If they cant seem to agree, they might need to reevaluate if they are really meant to be together. Since they aren't married yet, they could part ways without so much trouble amicably knowing that they are both perhaps better off in the end to have found this out now.


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