# How to encourage D6 to find interest in self-defence?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A recent post sparked a deep worry of mine that I have as a father. My daughter is living a very sheltered life but I know that I can not protect her forever. Yet she has zero interest in what I consider compulsory education - combat sports. I don't want to force her into it as it's just going to be waste of time and money if her heart is not there not to mention I'm not the type to force my child to do anything.

I've tried watching martial arts movies with her, but I guess that only works on boys, cause my daughter just watches, but whenever I propose for her to join an academy she rejects it. I wonder if it's my ex's influence, she wants my daughter to be a 'lady' perhaps? Meh

I don't want to wait for something to happen before she realises how important this is, especially for daddy so I can stop worrying so much, and not to mention I doubt she'll take my advice in late teens to always be around others and to be wise with her trust, as I would bet she would be thinking "meh, it'll never happen to me"

Besides, knowing my own limits, I have no restraint when it comes to revenge if something was to happen to her. I don't want to be put in such a position. How do I encourage her interest in it?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What's your background with it? Could you and she join a new class together and have it be your "thing?" i.e. BJJ if you haven't done that, Judo, etc. Even if you have done it, you could pretend you're a beginner, too .


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can't, she doesn't even want to learn from daddy 

It's like everytime I try, it's like cooking something she hates, and then despite her protests trying again the next day - she just doesn't want to eat it!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
while I think martial arts are a great hobby, I don't think they make sense for someone who doesn't enjoy them. It takes quite a bit of practice to stay good at it. 

As a form of exercise I think they are fantastic. 

FWIW, I think women who practice martial arts develop the sort of overall well toned body that I personally find attractive.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Daddy's probably going back to jail once she hits teens then! For beating up the fkwits who piss her off!

Seriously, it's a worry that may escalate to future problems. There needs to be a solution, perhaps I'm just too protective but ffs she's like all I have left.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

intheory said:


> Maybe she can carry mace, or a whistle, or get a gun? I mean, if you live in a high crime area, it might be worthwhile.


It's a big city, and we're not in America where we can just get a gun legally.



> And while she might not be interested in martial combat; she might be interested in learning about how to conduct herself, to minimize the chance of being a victim. ie. common sense stuff like not going shopping alone after dark. Putting locks on all the doors and windows in her apartment, when she gets one. Being real selective and careful about who she befriends and dates.
> 
> There's other practical stuff too. Really simple hints. Walk tall. Stride confidently. Obey your instincts. If you don't want to get in the elevator along with someone; don't. Don't worry about seeming rude.
> 
> ...


Yes but I can't be satisfied with that, not to mention if she hits teens and inherits EITHER my or my ex's wife's rebellious side - we're screwed!



> There are no guarantees. Even if she took martial arts; a really strong guy could probably overpower her.


You can't win them all sure, but at the very least she deserves a fighting chance no?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have 

Hell I even got the Xena collection for her very early on.

It's not working =/


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Maybe, you should try talking to her mother about talking to her about? 
Another thing is - are martial arts movies really something that would inspire a young girl to seek training in self defense? Most of the ones I have seen are about using the skills to beat or kill your enemies, rather than about defending your honor.
Perhaps a better way might be to just help her develop a high level of self worth, so that she (and by extension you) are less likely to ever be placed in a position where such skills are needed. Unless she progresses to the level of a true ninja, I doubt such skills would really stop a gang of thugs. Or for that matter a scum bag at a bar who slips her a mickey. Better to encourage her self worth than worry about all the what may comes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Put her in gymnastics. It's a very girly type sport but gymnasts are strong as hell! If she stays in gymnastics she will have the body strength and agility required to evade. Once she is older, if she sees merit in it, she will convert her agility and strength into defensive moves taught in self defense classes.

She doesn't need combat sports. Watching martial arts movies is doomed to failure! She clearly has some taste!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ex is anti-violence, hence I suspect too much of her influence on my daughter.

I don't see how just helping her develop her self worth (which we already do), contributes that much to her personal defence. Please explain.



Anon Pink said:


> Put her in gymnastics. It's a very girly type sport but gymnasts are strong as hell! If she stays in gymnastics she will have the body strength and agility required to evade. Once she is older, if she sees merit in it, she will convert her agility and strength into defensive moves taught in self defense classes.
> 
> She doesn't need combat sports. Watching martial arts movies is doomed to failure! She clearly has some taste!


Hmmm... =/
Would be a start


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you attend a class?

Find one you like and join. Make sure it is a school that you can attend easily as a routine.

Start taking your daughter with you as part of a family tradition.

Make sure the school has families with lots of girls involved.

Make it a family tradition without giving her a major decision, like going to church on Sunday. She is six. It can be like having to eat vegetables.

She will come to accept it if it is just part of your life like any other family tradition.

One of my friends did this with his whole family. He has two little daughters that became alarmingly good at powerful kicks.

He did it as a tradition and led the way. He achieved his black belt before the rest of his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree on gymnastics. Up til my daughter was 13/14, she could beat any boy in her class arm wrestling. Working the bars and floor gave her a huge upper body strength advantage that most women don't have. And post puberty that will naturally decline but she'll still be much stronger than her female peers.

Random, she is SIX! Now is the time for unicorns and rainbows. Likely she won't have to make any decisions regarding her own safety for 3+ years.

Want to scare her? Rent "Taken". She'll have nightmares for years but you'll get your point across. 

Seriously, though... my ex is in the criminal justice field and uber paranoid. He has talked with her about personal safety since she was young. I have also spoken to her about locking her car doors always, being aware of her surroundings, never accepting a drink that she didn't open personally, never believing a talent scout story or talk to anyone who stops a car to ask a question (it's always been pointed out that adults don't ask kids for help). My fear now is that she is OVER-confident. She feels she can handle anything and that is as much of a weakness as thinking everyone in the world is good.

But I think aside from the usual stranger danger talks and not letting anyone but mom/dad/doctor see or touch anything covered by a bathing suit, that is all she needs to know now. When she gets to the point where she is occasionally left alone, she'll need to know about not answering the door or telling anyone she'll be alone, etc.

Besides, you say you're well-to-do; hire a body guard.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Ex is anti-violence, hence I suspect too much of her influence on my daughter.
> 
> I don't see how just helping her develop her self worth (which we already do), contributes that much to her personal defence. Please explain.
> 
> ...


Your daughter is 6. Unlikely that she will Have to defend herself, physically, from other 6-7 year olds. Considering how young she is, she will not likely be alone anywhere public so self defense from the general public is not something to worry about either. A child of 6 needs to be taught Life Skills that include critical thinking. 

"Why would an adult ask a child for directions?"
"How can you tell if an unknown adult is a safe person or not?"
"Is it okay for adults who aren't your mom or dad to touch you? What should you do?"

Meanwhile, gymnastics is teaching her agility and strength. It is forming her little body into a powerhouse so that when she is older and more likely to be in situations unsupervised, her physical strength and agility have been developed.

You describe a rather sweet natured little girl who likes typical little girl things. Don't make her into something she is not, but do introduce her to the world of fun sports and let her decide which she likes best.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@ConanHub

I wish to generate some interest first before I invest in such, and I do not wish to force her to do anything, not even vegetables - I wait until she gets sick and then I tell her why that is so. Just my parenting style I guess.

Besides, I don't want to have to drag her to class each time if we are to join a school if she's just not interested. It's a dilemma, though gymnastics at least would be a start. I dunno... may have to bring this up with ex


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I agree on gymnastics. Up til my daughter was 13/14, she could beat any boy in her class arm wrestling. Working the bars and floor gave her a huge upper body strength advantage that most women don't have. And post puberty that will naturally decline but she'll still be much stronger than her female peers.
> 
> Random, she is SIX! Now is the time for unicorns and rainbows. Likely she won't have to make any decisions regarding her own safety for 3+ years.
> 
> ...


I have considered a body guard actually... 

Yes she's six but she's growing up so fast I feel like I'm running out of time to train her young so it's easier for her if she ever needs to learn!



Anon Pink said:


> Your daughter is 6. Unlikely that she will Have to defend herself, physically, from other 6-7 year olds. Considering how young she is, she will not likely be alone anywhere public so self defense from the general public is not something to worry about either. A child of 6 needs to be taught Life Skills that include critical thinking.
> 
> "Why would an adult ask a child for directions?"
> "How can you tell if an unknown adult is a safe person or not?"
> ...


Yes, a little too sweet, a little too friendly, she approaches anyone, gets up on stage with no reservations if we're not looking... it's a cause of worry as much as it's a cause of pride.

Gymnastics seems to be the common consensis so far...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> @ConanHub
> 
> I wish to generate some interest first before I invest in such, and I *do not wish to force her to do anything, not even vegetables - I wait until she gets sick and then I tell her why that is so*. Just my parenting style I guess.


Bolded: huge giant mistake!

You are her father, not her buddy. She is 6, not an adult. 6 year olds cannot make decisions Based on their best interest, they make decisions based on their feelings at the moment. At The Moment. Waiting until she is constipated is NOT how to TEACH good eating habits!

FFS RD! Be the father!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> A recent post sparked a deep worry of mine that I have as a father. My daughter is living a very sheltered life but I know that I can not protect her forever. Yet she has zero interest in what I consider compulsory education - combat sports. I don't want to force her into it as it's just going to be waste of time and money if her heart is not there not to mention I'm not the type to force my child to do anything.
> 
> I've tried watching martial arts movies with her, but I guess that only works on boys, cause my daughter just watches, but whenever I propose for her to join an academy she rejects it. I wonder if it's my ex's influence, she wants my daughter to be a 'lady' perhaps? Meh


This is not a "boy" thing. My DD loves jui jitsu. She is a total bad ass.



> I don't want to wait for something to happen before she realises how important this is, especially for daddy so I can stop worrying so much, and not to mention I doubt she'll take my advice in late teens to always be around others and to be wise with her trust, as I would bet she would be thinking "meh, it'll never happen to me"


Do NOT put your worry on her. Have you exposed her to different class styles?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Daddy's probably going back to jail once she hits teens then! For beating up the fkwits who piss her off!
> 
> *Seriously, it's a worry that may escalate to future problems. There needs to be a solution*, perhaps I'm just too protective but ffs she's like all I have left.


I just want to make it very, very, clear that the bold is all on you. Your inclination to be violent and your inability to control your temper are not your daughter's problem. Do not make her, even peripherally, responsible for you getting yourself into trouble with violent behavior. If you wind up in jail because you went after someone who hurt her, it won't be because she didn't take karate. It will be because you made your own choices and now have to live with the consequences of them. Having your daughter get into martial arts is not a solution to a problem of her daddy beating the snot out of people. Daddy learning to control himself is.

That said, she's SIX. Showing her _Aliens_ or _Taken_ is only going to scare her, if she even "gets" them at all. Making her fearful isn't the way to go here. Get her into activities that she enjoys that will also help build her self-esteem and her interest in being strong and fit. Gymnastics is good, cheer is another option, or ballet. Anything that teaches body and spatial awareness, strength, flexibility, speed and stamina. But it needs to be something she enjoys doing, or she won't do it. 

What she needs from you is a stable influence, a good role model, and help building her own self-esteem so she's more likely to stand up for herself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr, it worked - she learnt! =/

I never have to tell her to eat her veges, or to eat her food.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Ex is anti-violence, hence I suspect too much of her influence on my daughter.



Maybe Tae Kwon Do? That style is likewise anti violence. Or could be sold that way. One of the first lessons of self defense is don't be there. That is what you will get in a Tae Kwon Do school. ANd then, if you have to be there, here is what you can do. And it is less fighty than grappling styles. Lots of patterns. A good school will have games at her age.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rowan said:


> I just want to make it very, very, clear that the bold is all on you. Your inclination to be violent and your inability to control your temper are not your daughter's problem. Do not make her, even peripherally, responsible for you getting yourself into trouble with violent behavior. If you wind up in jail because you went after someone who hurt her, it won't be because she didn't take karate. It will be because you made your own choices and now have to live with the consequences of them. Having your daughter get into martial arts is not a solution to a problem of her daddy beating the snot out of people. Daddy learning to control himself is.


Of course it's on me, and knowing my limits I don't ever want to be put in such a position! I have my weaknesses and there's only so much I can do.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Random, also know she WILL get hurt. It is part of growing up. A boy will let her down, a friend will mislead her, etc. 

What I find in other girls that come around (as friends of my daughter) is that they are not able to cope. Their parents tried to over manipulate their environment and circumstances. I even had a bit of an ugly episode where another Mom wanted me to get our girls together to 'work it out'. This other Mom was in her daughter's business ALL of the time - completely micro-managing her daughter's social life. I told the other Mom that I had no interest in micro-managing my daughter's relationships and that htey needed to learn to work it out themselves. She told me that I SHOULD manage my daughter's relationships.  At 5, yes, you call the other parent and say Susie was mean. But at 15 you have to let girls (within the limits - no bullying, etc.) work out their own differences. ETA - my confidence in her ability to navigate most of these things rubs off and SHE feels more confident in her ability to manage her relationships.

I realize you start out worrying more about her physical safety but later lean toward emotional safety as well.

But if you start her with gymnastics for physical strength and confidence, and as she gets older some common-sense safety discussions, she will be fine. It's great she has the confidence to hop on a stage! It's also great she sees the good in people and is trusting and interested in people. Don't make her jaded.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> @ConanHub
> 
> I wish to generate some interest first before I invest in such, and I do not wish to force her to do anything, not even vegetables - I wait until she gets sick and then I tell her why that is so. Just my parenting style I guess.
> 
> Besides, I don't want to have to drag her to class each time if we are to join a school if she's just not interested. It's a dilemma, though gymnastics at least would be a start. I dunno... may have to bring this up with ex


Alright but six year olds should not be making health and welfare decisions for themselves and family traditions do develope some great life skills.

My sons both grew up in church with me being heavily involved in family ministries.

My youngest is amazingly wise in relationships and my oldest is partway through ministry training and works with addicts and homelessness.

We do have an impact on our children both good and bad.

If you want your daughter shaped in this direction then influence her.

She is your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Kinda strange thinking about it, daughter is more obedient with me than with mum, yet mum seems more influential than me.

Perhaps I am too lax, I'm just careful considering she comes from two rebel parents, so I exercise my authority sparingly.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I have considered a body guard actually...


OMG! You sound incredibly paranoid. I hope you don't accidentally wind up raising someone crippled by fear.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

My daughter started martial arts training 2x a week at 6 years old and for the next 6 years went 2-3 times a week. She was not passionate about learning the sport at first. She did it because it was not optional. 
I presented it to her just like school, you will go. She didn't protest much because she didn't think she had a choice. 

The best thing that came out of that is she she found courage and spirit. Defense is built into her muscle memory. She cowered the first 2 years in sparring by year three she was the aggressor in the fight and was fierce. She got hurt, she got knocked down and she learned to keep on fighting. That is what I wanted for her. to overcome the fear and gain the confidence. 

It helped that her martial arts was also balanced with something she is passionate about dance. 

Growing up with both sports she has great strength, stamina, she is graceful and fierce. 

She may not have started out with a passion for martial arts but getting her black belt is something she is very proud of and knowing how to fight and defend herself is something she values.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ex and I would have to be both in agreement if I was to decide that martial arts for our daughter is compulsory. So far only dad wants it, mum/daughter doesn't. If I can get daughter to want it, then mum will have to fold. If I can weave a magic wand and make ex want it for our daughter - then yay! But that will never happen I don't think considering she's always been anti-violence when it comes to our child.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I can't, she doesn't even want to learn from daddy
> 
> It's like everytime I try, it's like cooking something she hates, and then despite her protests trying again the next day - she just doesn't want to eat it!


A six yro from a divorced family tends to feel like they have no power in their life. What she puts in her mouth and what she does with her body is about all she has control over. I would not push her into your interest. Maybe repeated offers to have her join you will change her mind. If you make this a real struggle now, lord help you when she's a teen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She has alot of power among her social circles, both in church and in school. Lots of friends who look up to her. Overall she seems to have handled the divorce well, despite living in two households mum and dad both love her very much.

So far ex is quite open with the idea of enrolling our daughter in gymnastics, in fact she said we should have done it sooner. She understands fitness at least. Thanks guys for the suggestions, think I can rest just a teeny weebit easier...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Ronda Rousey

All that needs to be said


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have a bit of a different take on this maybe than most but self defense is a non negotiable in my house. I have worked with both my daughters since 5 or 6 on basics. As they get older I will have them in classes. My preferences are for boxing, judo and/or tae kwon do. I will intro them to all three and let them see where they fit in.


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## Blueapple (Oct 27, 2013)

Do you have something like Little Athletics in your area? At 6 I would concentrate on sprints/running fast in case of trouble. Also we spend our kids first years teaching them not to bite,scratch or poke eyes, but at around seven or eight for my kids (depending on kids maturity) I taught them that if somebody was trying to grab/hurt/touch private areas (talking about recognising the bad feeling/fear in your stomach) and would not stop it was OK to bite,kick,scream,pull hair and poke eyes to get to safety and I would back them up or stand up for their actions if they believed they were in danger.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Daddy's probably going back to jail once she hits teens then! For beating up the fkwits who piss her off!
> 
> Seriously, it's a worry that may escalate to future problems. There needs to be a solution, perhaps I'm just too protective but ffs she's like all I have left.


Hero worship, and fandom mean a lot to kids...I am thinking you might to get her to watch some Ronda Rowsy videos...I am sure there is something on Youtube that is not gross and violent....Start with how cool you think Ronda is, and perhaps stage a conversation with some about how cool Ronda is...and let her discover you watching some video's. Don't push it...Then mention that Rondas mom was a judo champ, and won gold medals in the Olympics...Find some girly gymnastics in the Olympics, then show her how girls do judo in the Olympics too....Using this approach is no guarantee getting her into judo, or BJJ, but it might work...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cant really make her a fan just by exposing her to mma women like that, besides ex wife does not approve of her. I dunno, shes doing gymnastics now, I have to be content with that for now it seems. Bah!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

just make it fun. incorporate it into play. 
it worked for me anyway...


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