# Another argument - what to do (long)



## cheeseburgler (Jul 18, 2016)

Sorry if this is gonna be a bit long. We have been together for about 2 years and a half now. We are supposed to get a place together and get married. 

We've had one of our many arguments revolving around his wanting me to get thin and me not being a virgin.

I need to lose weight, so does he. He is bigger than me, in his 30s, unemployed and still living with his parents. He also has some annoying skin problems he has been trying to get rid of and I have been trying to help with as well by buying him creams and always telling him that he is a handsome guy despite his weight and skin. 

I am currently working and looking for this house we can live in. He has been stressing me about the place, all the while spending his days watching TV, talking to other girls (to have a backup plan in case I fail to get a house in time for his deadline). 

I lost my dad and all he could do for me was whine about the fact I am supposed to get thin and haven't yet. Again all the while he has been stuffing his face saying he doesn't care about dieting while he is still living with his parents and that it is my fault he is still stuck there. 
He has given me an ultimatum saying I need to find a house by August or he'll leave for Europe to live with this student girl he chatted up on some website that has apparently agreed to take him in after 2 weeks of chatting. 

Anyway we've had an argument and he called me "blimp" and he also started attacking me for not being a virgin. 

I only had one guy in all my life (one boyfriend who was my first kiss etc) and we lived together for years so I don't think he has any rights to comparing me to porn stars, saying I shouldn't look down on them because I am not any cleaner. I made the mistake of telling him in the past I did a certain act with my ex, almost husband, and he has called me "obese s*it breath", also said how he is sorry for my children because I would kiss them with s*it lips. 
He spends his days on this website full of porn, perversions of any kind and watches cam girls and has seen many girls on cam masturbating, yet I am a s*ank for not being a virgin and he is this pure being just because he was too big to feel confident about sleeping with someone; that's the only reason why he is still a virgin at his age. 
He told me since I am not slim, I can't complain if he looks at others and desires them. 
He is always telling me how girls like him and flirt with him. I think he's very insecure and takes it out on me. 

I can tell he got very annoyed that I exploded and swore at him and told him after all I'm doing all I get in return is moaning about my weight and that I am not a virgin. I normally just take insults without retaliating but I had really had enough of hearing the same complaints when I have never mistreated him and just tried to help him with everything. His reaction was to tell me I revealed how I am really, that I have no interest in losing weight and I am annoyed that my past disgusts him and he added he should look for someone fresh and not resentful who doesn't have a dirty past.

I also have to say he does keep telling me to find someone else but I can't let go. Why can't I let go despite all the hurt? I believe he has destroyed all my self-esteem so I like it how he says I should find someone else. How can I when I feel so utterly worthless and also I have really lost all faith in the human kind. Thanks to him most days I hate everyone. I was never like this.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Why are you still with this guy? All he's doing is beating down your self esteem say after day.
Get into some IC to figure out why you'd allow someone to treat you like this.
And oh yeah...dump him. He's not worth it. Find someone who will love you and treat you with respect because what he is doing is not love. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lose this guy! 

The handwriting on the wall says that if you commit your life to this guy, things will only get far, far worse!

Find a guy who will absolutely love you for who you are ~ flowers, "warts," and all!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could instantly lose a great deal of useless weight.

How? By dumping your "boyfriend!"

Then, you need to seek counselling for yourself. 

BTW, his skin condition is not that much of a problem, when you compare it to the condition of his soul. 

He is right. He is a useless boyfriend. And a poor friend, to be honest.

Shoot! He isn't any good as a casual acquaintance, never mind anything else! 

You can, you should, you must, do better for yourself. :smthumbup:


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

So the fat guy is calling you fat? Wow. Next time he calls you fat, tell him to look into the mirror.

Why you still with him? Dump his ass and then you will start feeling a whole lot better, without him abusing you.

Just pack your bag and move. Leave him with his parents. Dont tell him where you are going. You can do that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And he is worried about your virginity? :wtf:

He clearly didn't get this memo:-


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Tell him you are done with him. Do NOT get a house with him. He has no excuse for not working. A REAL man would love, cherish, and appreciate you. He is so NOT a real man. Let him go. 

It is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like crap. Loving partners do not insult each other, or have to learn how to let insults slide. Loving partners build each other up, not tear them down. There is no way you should allow him to treat you like this.

Let him go. Call it done. This is not good for you, and it is not going to get better. 

Focus on yourself and your children. Show them a strong woman. I know you do not want them growing up thinking this is an ok way to treat people or to be treated like this. SHOW them what to do when someone is so negative to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do not let him go, gently, throw him away, forcefully.

Like THIS, complete with the broken safety cable!


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## cheeseburgler (Jul 18, 2016)

Now he's all hung up on me telling him the F word during my argument. 
Said now he has seen this side of me, he can't look at me the same way. I am in utter disbelief because after all he dishes out, he is crucifying me for losing it once and swearing. I am supposed to just take it, which anyway I normally do but I'm so fed up with him and his [email protected] He is ungrateful and hypocritical. He also said I deserved the attack.

I literally told him this "f*ck you and your used goods (because he keeps telling me I am used goods, that I am used up)". Compare this to the times he told me the F word and also c*nt. I really can't believe he thinks it's ok for him to say all that but I am not allowed to say anything at all. He calls this attitude. If I had really wanted to attack, I'd have been really mean and made him ashamed of himself; plenty of material to tear him down. I choose not to get down to that level 

Yes, it shouldn't be a matter of tolerating insults. I don't think he knows what love is. He thinks it's a power game. He has to control the woman. He says stuff like men don't need to pander to women. He is quick to call a woman a wh*re because she is not a virgin and so on.

I don't know how to get out of this of my own will. I seem to not to have the strength to dump him even if he tells me to find someone else. I guess part of me wants him to understand he is being an a$$hole and this keeps me from letting him go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheeseburgler said:


> Now he's all hung up on me telling him the F word during my argument.
> Said now he has seen this side of me, he can't look at me the same way. I am in utter disbelief because after all he dishes out, he is crucifying me for losing it once and swearing. I am supposed to just take it, which anyway I normally do but I'm so fed up with him and his [email protected] He is ungrateful and hypocritical. He also said I deserved the attack.
> 
> I literally told him this "f*ck you and your used goods (because he keeps telling me I am used goods, that I am used up)". Compare this to the times he told me the F word and also c*nt. I really can't believe he thinks it's ok for him to say all that but I am not allowed to say anything at all. He calls this attitude. If I had really wanted to attack, I'd have been really mean and made him ashamed of himself; plenty of material to tear him down. I choose not to get down to that level
> ...


You need counselling to help you learn how to...

*Dump the little twerpy, creepy, nothing manchild!!!!!*


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

cheeseburgler said:


> Sorry if this is gonna be a bit long. We have been together for about 2 years and a half now. We are supposed to get a place together and get married.
> 
> We've had one of our many arguments revolving around his wanting me to get thin and me not being a virgin.


Stop. You can "get thin". But what happens after you have a baby? Or if you get sick? And you can't go back to being a virgin. He wants to change you, not be with you.




> I need to lose weight, so does he. He is bigger than me, in his 30s, unemployed and still living with his parents.


What a catch! Why are you with this guy?



> I am currently working and looking for this house we can live in.


So..... you are going to support him while he tries to turn you into a sex model for him?



> He has been stressing me about the place, all the while spending his days watching TV, talking to other girls (to have a backup plan in case I fail to get a house in time for his deadline).


Whew. To have a backup plan in case you don't get a house on time? 



> I lost my dad and all he could do for me was whine about the fact I am supposed to get thin and haven't yet. Again all the while he has been stuffing his face saying he doesn't care about dieting while he is still living with his parents and that it is my fault he is still stuck there.
> He has given me an ultimatum saying I need to find a house by August or he'll leave for Europe to live with this student girl he chatted up on some website that has apparently agreed to take him in after 2 weeks of chatting.
> 
> Anyway we've had an argument and he called me "blimp" and he also started attacking me for not being a virgin.
> ...


Because you need therapy to build yourSELF back up. Do that. And leave this loser.


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## cheeseburgler (Jul 18, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Tell him you are done with him. Do NOT get a house with him. He has no excuse for not working. A REAL man would love, cherish, and appreciate you. He is so NOT a real man. Let him go.
> 
> It is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like crap. Loving partners do not insult each other, or have to learn how to let insults slide. Loving partners build each other up, not tear them down. There is no way you should allow him to treat you like this.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your words. I don't have children and was never married. I lived with my ex as just partners but, like the current guy likes to remind me, we were like married since the cohabitation lasted a few years. 

Apparently all women are crazy about him the minute they chat. I am not sure how much of this he just makes up because, to be frank, he is not exactly what a woman would normally see as a catch. He is unemployed, obese, living with parents, stingy, controlling, has skin problems, virgin at close to 40 and not for religious reasons or because he is saving himself for marriage. 

He chats up girls of like 17 or 19 and he has the cheek to say I sold my body to my ex and stayed with him despite the abuse (not physical abuse) just for a house and yet, he can only find a way to move out by chatting up the first teenager online who will take him in. He doesn't act like a 30-something but rather like a reckless teenager. His tendency to chat with all these younger people has made me think more than once he is not a man yet, despite his feeling like some alpha male. 

He says he will move to Europe and that he will easily find someone who marries him (so he can get to stay) because women there love his exotic looks (he is a latino). When he says this I can't help but think he has never really grown up.


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## cheeseburgler (Jul 18, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Stop. You can "get thin". But what happens after you have a baby? Or if you get sick? And you can't go back to being a virgin. He wants to change you, not be with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, he has been getting annoyed with me for a long time because I haven't managed to rent a house yet. I had to get a job first to do that and it's not like someone finds a job overnight, is it? So the original deadline of May has now changed to August. He keeps telling me he is tired of waiting and stressed, while I had to deal with the stress of losing my dad, finding a job, looking for a place, arguing with him because I'm not slim or virgin. 

He has looked for other options since he says he doesn't believe I can get this done. His other options are these girls that would take him in apparently for free.

Well he wants me to get thin also because he thinks I can't have children at my current size and that I would just get fatter.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

He's 40? 
He's very misogynistic & behaves worse than a teen. 
You guys don't live together, so cut him loose, let him off to Europe! 
This is a toxic relationship, it won't get better. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## cheeseburgler (Jul 18, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> He's 40?
> He's very misogynistic & behaves worse than a teen.
> You guys don't live together, so cut him loose, let him off to Europe!
> This is a toxic relationship, it won't get better.
> ...


30 me and 36 him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

cheeseburgler said:


> 30 me and 36 him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's deluded if he thinks his 'exotic Latino looks" will help him bed women in Europe, doesn't he know we actually have Latinos here, like Spanish & Portuguese guys! 
He's making up stories, I think. 

So are you going to leave him? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Please stop communicating with him... you know he is unhealthy for your entire essence, you would be wise to quit putting you hand into the flame as attractive as it can be, you know the burn is not worth it. Sometimes silence is carries more strength than having the last word, rise above his game.

The only way he has you is to control you, this is not love of any kind, it is abusive and he likes doing it... this is a scary thought and that he has shown his true instability in how he treats another person is almost psychotic, this man hates himself and projects that to you. You have allowed this, time to take a break.

You will never grow here, please leave while you still have something you can reach in you and pull yourself out of this self-wallowing pity circus he projects... a true ringmaster for directing the show into blackness.

This individual is blocking you from someone who can offer you so much more, let him go so he can keep falling further away from you... this ugliness is his path, why walk it with him?

You can turn you anger to action... look to yourself for strength, I know right now you feel broken from the abuse but it is more there than you imagine.

Every time you feel like communicating with him, stop and think of how it hurts without any further reflection and then immediately take that time and go volunteer, anywhere, where people are helping another, surround yourself with positive people, draw from their strength and follow their steps. Keep looking for work, volunteering can help you make connections you wouldn't normally have and nothing like a job to help rebuild that self-esteem, and the job doesn't matter, it's the quality to it you bring that makes the difference.

Please begin building that self again... your total self. It begins with respecting you, every complaint makes you a victim... recognize you time with him is done, stop complaining about him and start with finding some support that build you up, not tears you down.

Believe in yourself... you already have a small gathering here that believe you can take the hard steps to come.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you know that you need to find a way to stop seeing this guy and find someone who will make you feel good about yourself and who you are.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He isn't worth pursuing. Get yourself a dog.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

cheeseburgler said:


> Yes, he has been getting annoyed with me for a long time because I haven't managed to rent a house yet. I had to get a job first to do that and it's not like someone finds a job overnight, is it? So the original deadline of May has now changed to August. He keeps telling me he is tired of waiting and stressed, while I had to deal with the stress of losing my dad, finding a job, looking for a place, arguing with him because I'm not slim or virgin.
> 
> He has looked for other options since he says he doesn't believe I can get this done. His other options are these girls that would take him in apparently for free.
> 
> Well he wants me to get thin also because he thinks I can't have children at my current size and that I would just get fatter.


Why do you want this? Why do you want to buy yourself a mean-ass, loser of a husband? So he can ruin your self esteem more? Do this. Find a therapist and make an appointment TODAY.


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## cheeseburgler (Jul 18, 2016)

I don't think I want someone else. I had my ex and this guy, both have made me suffer. I don't want to risk that happening again. It's too much for me.

I can't forgive myself for trusting these two guys, only for them to treat me like dirt. I don't think love how I see it exists or anyway can exist for me. It's all about selfishness and shallow things. 

I'm feeling very depressed and I wish my dad would take me with him. 

If I let someone else get close to me, I'm sure this will repeat itself so I can't be bothered to go through this cycle of falling in love with someone who doesn't really care about me and then being emotionally destroyed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You most definitely need to talk to someone. Get a good dose of IC and start concentrating on yourself. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheeseburgler said:


> I don't think I want someone else. I had my ex and this guy, both have made me suffer. I don't want to risk that happening again. It's too much for me.
> 
> I can't forgive myself for trusting these two guys, only for them to treat me like dirt. I don't think love how I see it exists or anyway can exist for me. It's all about selfishness and shallow things.
> 
> ...


Then how about just living for yourself for a while without a whiny manchild to hurt you?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cheeseburgler said:


> I also have to say he does keep telling me to find someone else but I can't let go. Why can't I let go despite all the hurt? I believe he has destroyed all my self-esteem so I like it how he says I should find someone else. How can I when I feel so utterly worthless and also I have really lost all faith in the human kind. Thanks to him most days I hate everyone. I was never like this.


Well, you probably have a masochistic streak. Some people enjoy the pain - emotional and/or physical - inflicted upon them. You had no self-esteem when you hooked up with this loser. Believe me, NOBODY can destroy your self-esteem unless you allow it.

You get into serious counseling. Could be you were exposed to a lot of abuse as a child ... I don't know.

Maybe when he tells you to let him go, you are thinking you want something you can't quite have.

Regardless, this is sick and you know it. He's a mess, you're a mess, and this relationship sucks.

Run far. Run fast. Life is so much better than this. And there are plenty of men who love large women. But losing weight from a health perspective is a great idea.

This clown may have shoved you over the cliff of no-self-esteem, but you couldn't have had much to get into this hot mess.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cheeseburgler said:


> If I let someone else get close to me, I'm sure this will repeat itself so I can't be bothered to go through this cycle of falling in love with someone who doesn't really care about me and then being emotionally destroyed.


Yes, you WILL repeat this cycle until you get help for yourself. You think this is falling in love? I assure you it is not.

So rather than let another man "emotionally destroy" you, you can live as a hermit, avoid your own problems/issues, and go live in a cave.

You don't know what love is, and you sound rabidly codependent. Take it from a woman who married two alcoholics who treated her like sh!t. 

Today, I am not in a relationship and I have no desire for one. But I have a relationship with myself because I enjoy who I am. I don't need a man because I am lonely or need validation. I am absolutely delighted with my life. You may be far happier alone when you learn to love yourself. And, when you learn to actually enjoy being in your own company, you will attract the right type of man - if you decide you want a man in your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Well, you probably have a masochistic streak. Some people enjoy the pain - emotional and/or physical - inflicted upon them. You had no self-esteem when you hooked up with this loser. Believe me, NOBODY can destroy your self-esteem unless you allow it.
> 
> You get into serious counseling. Could be you were exposed to a lot of abuse as a child ... I don't know.
> 
> ...


Sometimes people get dragged down by a slug like Cheeseburgler's soon-to-be-ex.

And Cheeseburgler, anyone who can call themselves "Cheeseburgler" on TAM is going to succeed one way or another!

Best TAM name *ever! * :smthumbup:


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You must realize that happiness comes from within, not from being with someone else. He's a Grade A loser: manipulative, abusive, controlling, immature, disrespectful, ungrateful, narcissistic, etc. 

You need therapy, fast. If you can't afford it, then talk to someone in real life or us here. 

I guarantee you that you have more options in partners than he does. He's lying and thinks too highly of himself. I believe his own parents are getting sick of his freeloading, so he in turn pressures you to get a house so he can freeload off of you! Don't be his housemaid, sex slave, atm, and cook.

Work on yourself. Find the time to exercise everyday, like walking or join a gym. Change your eating habits. Many people have lost a ton of weight because they got sick of being heavy and unhappy. If they can do it, you can, too. Just find the will to do it. Join online groups who will encourage and motivate you.

Call his bluff and let him move to Europe. I guarantee you that girl will dump him before he can say "Make me a sandwich." I'm thinking this is all a lie that he's made up to pressure you.

He has no game! You can do far better but you must first work on yourself. If you can't be happy with yourself, you won't be happy with anyone.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@cheeseburgler ,

I think you may fail to realize this guy is using you for a meal ticket , a roof over his head, and apparently a verbal punching bag. You deserve way better than this. Send him packing, better yet just cut all communication with him and leave him wondering what happened. The fact that he treats you like he does and doesn't give you any support about the loss of your father (lost mine not long ago also,it's tough) should be plenty to steel your resolve to move on. You may have had 2 bad choices but if you learn to respect yourself and recognize the red flags of these past losers, the choices you make in the future will be much healthier. Get some counseling for yourself and live the life you deserve. Again RESPECT YOURSELF. You are obviously worthy of that , Look at all you're willing to do and put up with for someone who abuses you. Imagine the catch you'll be to someone who loves and adores you for you instead of what you can give them. Best of luck , you can do this.


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