# wife thinking of moving out but staying married



## pepsimax (Nov 10, 2011)

We have been together 3 years, married for 1. She has 1 kid (11), I have 3 (15,17,19). Basically, she cannot stand to be around my 17 year old, and I cannot stand to be around her kid. We are great together and good for each other, but our kids cause nothing but grief. It has gotten so bad that she has started looking for an apartment and furniture. She thinks it would be best if she and her kid moved out. Her idea is that we would still stay married, just not live together. We both are concerned that this is the 1st step toward divorce. Neither of us wants that, but the stress of the kids is brutal. My 17 year old will finish high school and move out next summer, so I have been trying to convince her things will get better then. She doubts it. I have even gone so far as to have my 17 year old not come to the house anymore, I have sent him to my parents house (I alternate custody with my X-wife). Of course, outsiders see me as the bad parent, but I just want everyone to calm down. Also, her kid is on several medications and in counseling. He basically goes out of his way to make people mad, almost like he wants people to hate him. His favorite thing to do is to start an arguement about anything. He is physically and verbally abusive to his mom and I. You would be shocked to hear him talk, it is terrible. He says things to his mom that if I had said them to my mom when I was a kid, my dad would have knocked me silly. As hard as I try to not get dragged into an arguement, it still happens. I have no idea what to do. I have never felt so helpless. We want to be together, but is feels like the deck is stacked against us. Is it worth trying to stay together, or should we just cut our losses and split up? Would staying married but not living together really help? Do you have any other ideas? HELP!


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## 403wife (Nov 14, 2011)

Honestly it doesnt sound like it will work out, What probibly will happen is she will move out and you'll relize how much easier it is without each others kids annoying you and you'll be happier. Might just have to call it quits


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It could work. It would be like perpetual dating....and quality time. Not quite what you had in mind, but it could work. 

What about family therapy?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sounds better than what you have had, which sounds horrible. So sad that your kids are getting in the way of your romantic life..

IMO you never should've gotten married to begin with. Your priority as PARENTS should've been with your KIDS. So if you can't parent effectively together in the the same house then separate and be parents FIRST. 

Dems the breaks when you have kids.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow, what a nice message you're sending to your 17 year old. The child isn't welcome at home. Nice.

Being a parent is hard. Dealing with other people's kids is hard. But...being a parent comes first in these situations. Already, i'm sure the kids have abandonment issues and this isn't helping.

I don't know if this could work, but I so suggest family therapy. For EVERYone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It might be handy to stop thinking in terms of "her" and "my" kids and to present a united front. Disrespect to you is disrepect to her and vice versa. I went through some of this drama, too, and it's a real pain. I'd come home from work and my teenage daughter would tell me how evil my wife had been and my wife would tell my how evil my daughter had been. I finally told them both exactly what I said above. My daughter is a non-negotiable part of me and she stays. My wife is a non-negotiable part of me and disrespect or disobedience to her is the same as to me and won't be tolerated. 
Your wife's kid that picks arguments is probably demanding attention. If he doesn't get it in a positive way, he knows how to get negative attention. You might try to set aside one on one time with the kid where he gets his positive attention. The other side of that are firm rules where inappropriate behavior isn't rewarded. 
People engage in behaviors only as long as they produce expected rewards If she moves out with him, he gets to become her entire focus which means his crappy behavior has been rewarded and reenforced. He's learning that being nasty gets him what he wants. 
Almost all teens are thugs and terrorists to one degree or another. They will rejoin the human race as they mature, but as teens, they'll drive you crazy. This is part of the joy of parenting but it does get better. Your reward is that as a grandparent, you'll get to see your kids suffer with the same drama as they put you through. 
Don't let a temporary kid problem destroy a permanent marriage. These thugs will fall in love or join a rock band, or join the military or the circus and you'll rarely see them again. After they leave, you'll still have 40+ years with your wife. 
The law requires that you feed them, provide them with an education, medical care, and basic essentials for survival. There's no law that requires kids get Ipods, Xbox, keys to your car, cool clothes, or anything else. They disobey or act out, start taking their privileges. At some point before they end up with a mattress and four bare walls, they'll get the idea that your happiness and their's are entertwined.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Let her move out and stay married, if it is presented as a short-term solution. She will quickly see which problems belong to her. So long as you make yourself available, you will end up being the scapegoat. Then get yourself some therapy. You will know that armed with the best relational skills and introspection possible, whether the situation is tenable long-term. If it isn't, you already have two households set up.

The kids really need a solid grounding at this point in life. It sounds like your kids are older and teen years are crucial to setting off on adult life. You are setting a good example by determining and demonstrating what can and cannot be managed under your own roof and what sort of situation you consider to be 'life'. There are ups and downs in every family but it sounds like your household is a pendulum where you cannot even make your way to the bathroom (I'm guessing) or to the kitchen for coffee without risking some kind of emotional battle or ambush. That's where I would draw the line. People are not physically engineered to live a life like that. So some relief is needed.

I'd like to add that I have a marriage that was improved by me moving out for the short-term (like almost an entire year...) Sometimes it's not just the kids that are the issue, LOL. But really, in order to solve issues sometimes it is necessary to have solid ground and to make sure of what your needs are and whether your partner is capable of meeting them, and whether partner's needs and boundaries in terms of protecting the marriage are really on board with the marriage, not just for economic or unbalanced emotional issues. It's hard to do this when you are being yanked around inside of a household with no escape or ways to express volition, make changes etc.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Almost all teens are thugs and terrorists to one degree or another. They will rejoin the human race as they mature, but as teens, they'll drive you crazy.


Everyone says this to me but my kids are 17 and 14 and I enjoy them MUCH more now then when they were babies/toddlers. I have a great time with my teen kids! Last weekend I went away with my 17 year old daughter to look at colleges and the weekend before that it was my 14 year old son's birthday and we had a fantastic weekend. My kids are polite, fun, affectionate, responsible and well mannered and so are their friends.

You get from your kids what you put in. If your kids know that they are FIRST on your priority list then you'll have good kids. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but in general, despite the strife and problems we've had over the past year and a half, my kids know where my heart and soul is at with regards to them and they support me, not fight me...because I do the same for them.


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## pepsimax (Nov 10, 2011)

Thank you for you input. There is certainly a wide variation in responses. There is definately less tension in the house with my 17 year old not here. I have gone and seen him several times at my folks house, and mentioned repeatedly that I love him and care about him, but his behavior toward my new wife is unexceptable and that is why he is out. In 6 months he will graduate and go off to college, so I do not see it as a terrible thing for him. Her kid is a different story, as no sane person will take him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think living apart is a big mistake.


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