# Lack of sex/mixed feels Marriage. Need advice



## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

Hi All. I Hope this is safe place where someone can share some experience or advice. 

Myself and my current wife were dating for 9 years before we got married. We have been married for 5 year this year and during the 2019 2020 break immigrated to new country. Due to covid we were separated for 8 months in different countries before we could be reunited. This was hard on both of us and our marriage to say the least. Once reunited. What I could only describe as a sex goddess embraced me like never before. For the entire period before we got married my wife had intimacy issues and sex would be a maybe once a month event otherwise would just be forplay. She said childhood insecurities and lack of confidence was to blame and I accepted her before for it. I'm not one to jump around a lot and I commit when I'm with someone. I'm early.30s and have only had 3 long term relationships of which this is the longest. So back to the present. After 5 months of what felt like making up for the last 10 years. I was sat down and explained that she thinks she is Asexual and would like to return to the way it was before and I should respect that regardless of my feelings or needs because it's her choice. I agree with her stance but why can't I get over the pain and intimacy I grave out of the relationship now... I'm I suppose to just stop perusing her ( she never does the pursuing other then for these past 5 month but wants me todo it to feel needed) am I being selfish? I don't know how to process these feelings ( I'm the romantic person in the relationship)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She screwed your brains out for 5 months after a relationship of ten years of little sex, then suddenly stops and says she is asexual and you’re not gonna her any from now on?

If this is correct, why not just divorce her crazy ass? Because that’s hard for me to see as anything but looney.

And incredibly hurtful.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You are not being selfish for wanting a proper marriage and sex life, that’s called being human. 
She is being selfish by expecting you to live like a pathetic involuntary celibate.
You are being a chump for even considering going along with her unreasonable position.

Sex is a key foundational pillar of marriage, and you have a right to expect it from your marriage.

Also, actual asexual people are such a tiny minority of the population, it’s extremely likely that she’s not asexual, she just doesn’t want sex with YOU.

You need to stop being a doormat and take control of your marriage. Tell her That she’s welcome to be asexual if she wants, but it won’t be as your wife. Tell her that you are not willing to live a celibate life and that you will not accept a sexless marriage.

There’s a lot more here, but let’s start with that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

looking at other possibilities here, someone who is "asexual" does not go full nymphomaniac for FIVE MONTHS, then back to Asexual without a reason. u need to figure out that reason. Asexuals, although they can still have sex (usually masturbation), do not go full on nympho....ever.

Did she start taking drugs, like anti-depressants or anti-psychotics? those can kill your libido!

Is it possible she was having a torrid sexual affair, and it turned on her libido so much that when she met up with you again it just carried on. but suddenly, she found a better sex partner, and is boffing him now instead of you?

Has she suddenly gotten crazy religious or something, or thinks she is now Joan of Arc?

Is there any sexual abuse in her past, and something recently triggered recollection of that? (the good news, counseling can fix that)

Maybe she THINKS she is Asexual, but it is something else and she is just confused.

but of all those, her finding a new lover and suddenly dropping u sounds the most plausible. she is new to the country, so probably can not change her marital status right now, so is hunkered down with you for the long haul until the local laws let her divorce you.


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## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She screwed your brains out for 5 months after a relationship of ten years of little sex, then suddenly stops and says she is asexual and you’re not gonna her any from now on?
> 
> If this is correct, why not just divorce her crazy ass? Because that’s hard for me to see as anything but looney.
> 
> And incredibly hurtful.


If I can't get resolution this I'd going to be the result yes.


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## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> You are not being selfish for wanting a proper marriage and sex life, that’s called being human.
> She is being selfish by expecting you to live like a pathetic involuntary celibate.
> You are being a chump for even considering going along with her unreasonable position.
> 
> ...


I can see your position but surely. The attitude of no sex no marriage attitude only going to make it worse ? Trying to resolve this.


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## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> looking at other possibilities here, someone who is "asexual" does not go full nymphomaniac for FIVE MONTHS, then back to Asexual without a reason. u need to figure out that reason. Asexuals, although they can still have sex (usually masturbation), do not go full on nympho....ever.
> 
> Did she start taking drugs, like anti-depressants or anti-psychotics? those can kill your libido!
> 
> ...


Agreed. She started smoking some weed and that has seem to be the trigger event for nympho attacks but as of late it does not have same effect it seems.

She wil never cheat on me that much I know and trust. We share phones etc and there is no indication of anything plus working from home for last 8 months. I always know her whereabouts by the hour. That sounds stalkerish. But it's not just a result of lockdown.

Agreed on the no nymph to nymp back to asexual. It's ******** and I'm trying to convince her of that. But maybe she doesn't want hear it.

She made a new friend in Canada. Girl single divorced and very nosy. Iv got a feeling all of this is being influenced by her..

Neither of us are very religious, so it's not that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

JayJayMan said:


> She made a new TOXIC friend in Canada. Girl single divorced and very nosy. Iv got a feeling all of this is being influenced by her..


FIFY

is her new friend, perchance, a lesbian who is trying to seduce your wife, and make her think all men are horrid?


another possibility. although you are sure she would not sexually cheat on you...you were apart for a while. Maybe she suddenly found out she has an STD and has cut off the sex until it is cured?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JayJayMan said:


> Agreed. She started smoking some weed and that has seem to be the trigger event for nympho attacks but as of late it does not have same effect it seems.
> 
> She wil never cheat on me that much I know and trust. We share phones etc and there is no indication of anything plus working from home for last 8 months. I always know her whereabouts by the hour. That sounds stalkerish. But it's not just a result of lockdown.
> 
> ...


It's often not beneficial for a married woman to have a close friend who is divorced.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

JayJayMan said:


> I was sat down and explained that she thinks she is Asexual and would like to return to the way it was before and I should respect that regardless of my feelings or needs because it's her choice.


In a marriage, no spouse gets to make a decision on their own that affects both. She just told you that she doesn't give a rat's butt about you, your feelings or your needs. If I were in your shoes, I would quit meeting any of her needs and tell her that it's your choice, regardless of her feelings or needs and see how she likes it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tell her that you do respect her choice, enough so that you will set her free to find a relationship with another asexual person. After all, this is all about her and her wants/needs.

And she should honor/respect that decision as well....right?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

.


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## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's often not beneficial for a married woman to have a close friend who is divorced.


Agreed. Feels like there is three people in this relationship.


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## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> FIFY
> 
> is her new friend, perchance, a lesbian who is trying to seduce your wife, and make her think all men are horrid?
> 
> ...


Sure but why not just say it.... coming up with sexual orientation story seems like far more effort.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

For a man, being told the sexual aspect of the relationship is over is for all practical purposes being dumped and broken up with.

She has dumped and broken up with you, she just wants to continue receiving the other marital benefits you provide such as money and support and a place to live etc while she goes out and lives her life with this friend. 

I am sorry but you have been dumped and emotionally and sexually divorced. You just don’t have the legal papers that absolve you of your legal and financial commitments to her or the freedom to seek other relationships. 

You are being used and exploited here.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sex is the glue that holds relationships together. It's why men talk to women and risk public rejection in front of their mates. Without it, there isn't a relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You are early 30s, dated for 9 years and married for 5 (=14 years). When did you have time for two other long-term relationships?

She doesn't particularly want sex but wants you to pursue her so that she will feel needed? Did I get that right? It's like you're just there to feed her ego kibbles. Nope, that isn't going to fly.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> For a man, being told the sexual aspect of the relationship is over is for all practical purposes being dumped and broken up with.


Exactly this. No sex, end of the relationship. Sorry. You are not brother and sister. The asexual thing is BS, in my opinion.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

She can choose how she wants to live, you can't control that. But, she can't control how you live, and her choice of being asexual is controlling how you live....this is only because you are allowing it and not moving on.

There is something deeper going on that she is not being upfront with. This also should be a deal breaker by itself..... she refuses to communicate honestly with you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Excuses, excuses, excuses. That's all I see from this OP. Excuses to not do what we all can needs to be done: DIVORCE.



JayJayMan said:


> I can see your position but surely. *The attitude of no sex no marriage attitude only going to make it worse *? Trying to resolve this.


You see, this is the approach you've been taking throughout the whole relationship. You fail to understand that your wife is what she is and nothing is going to make her change. You're living in "hopium" thinking that eventually you'll be able to change her. NO, YOU WILL NOT.

Basically it is exactly as you stated: *The attitude of no sex no marriage attitude only going to make it worse. *Yes, because that's the only option you have. With her it will be, no sex= divorce. She's making it way too clear for you to understand that she want to stay with you as a room mate with all the benefits that are entitled in the marriage, but sex. What is it with you? do you think that she's the only woman in the world that you could get? to keep trying to convince her of something she's not capable of in the long run?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OP, bail out now while you are young and can start over. Don't become old and bitter like me 

Seriously, if your wife is telling you that she is not going to have sex, what more message is there?

Call it quits now while you have time to start over.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> OP, bail out now while you are young and can start over. Don't become old and bitter like me
> 
> Seriously, if your wife is telling you that she is not going to have sex, what more message is there?
> 
> Call it quits now while you have time to start over.


That's where I drew the line at... another wife who wants only the parts of the marriage she is happy with. Well, that's not a marriage, it's friendship.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The advantage of taking a strong line and saying its unacceptable and I'm leaving is you win either way: She either realizes how serious it is and makes the changes necessary to keep the marriage (because she decides to change) or you leave and find someone else who doesn't have this issue.

Being ready to lose the marriage is often the best way to keep it. It sucks, but the person who cares least about the outcome has the upper hand in marital negotiations.

Right now, she doesn't care what your response is (because she thinks you will just stick around like you always have), so she has the upper hand.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Well others have said that you need to be able to risk it all to take control here and that would be my advice too. 

"You can decide that your sex life is over, but you can't decide mine is, so which is it a divorce or an open marriage?"

Don't do the open marriage route, it is just a messy way to end up in a divorce in these situations btw.

However, her behaviour is quite erratic and that has me suspicious. Sadly we've heard a lot of "she/he would never cheat" around here. Not buying the asexual stuff at all.


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## JayJayMan (Sep 2, 2021)

Thank you for the comments guys and gals. I'm drawing line in the sand. I can put up with a lot. But I'm not growing old without a willing partner that puts out. Sounds harsh but is what it is.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

JayJayMan said:


> Thank you for the comments guys and gals. I'm drawing line in the sand. I can put up with a lot. But I'm not growing old without a willing partner that puts out. Sounds harsh but is what it is.


Good, now you actually need to follow through. And you need to maintain your strength and resolve because she will push and test you, hard. 
Why? Because you’ve been a weak doormat who put up with all her crap for so long that she doesn’t believe you will suddenly be strong and follow through. You will need to change her perception of you through continued strength and consistency.

And no, it’s not harsh at all. It’s the position normal, healthy, competent men take.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

JayJayMan said:


> Thank you for the comments guys and gals. I'm drawing line in the sand. I can put up with a lot. But I'm not growing old without a willing partner that puts out. Sounds harsh but is what it is.


So sorry for what your spouse is putting you through. Has she been to the doctor to have blood work done to see if their is some medical issue contributing to her not want to have sex. I think you are doing the right thing to laying your cards out on the table and not letting it drag out. Best of luck!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

You went through 9 years and THEN decided to marry her? You kind of made an informed decision. Not saying it makes your situation any better but your situation is far different from most of the people on here for whom sex doesn't stop until after marriage. What over that 9 years made it so barrable that you put a ring on her finger and said you could live like this the rest of your life?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

JayJayMan said:


> Thank you for the comments guys and gals. I'm drawing line in the sand. I can put up with a lot. But I'm not growing old without a willing partner that puts out. Sounds harsh but is what it is.


Doesn't sound harsh at all.
The chance of sex is why men talk to women.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Doesn't sound harsh at all.
> The chance of sex is why men talk to women.


With or without sex I enjoy talking with my wife.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uphillbattle said:


> With or without sex I enjoy talking with my wife.


Yes, but if she decided she didn’t want to have sex with you anymore, would you accept it and stick around anyway?
Unfortunately that’s what OP’s been doing. Hopefully not anymore.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, but if she decided she didn’t want to have sex with you anymore, would you accept it and stick around anyway?
> Unfortunately that’s what OP’s been doing. Hopefully not anymore.


At one point she actually made that decision. No had that continued there is zero chance I would still be with her. But I still can enjoy a conversation with a female without a want to have sex with them.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> At one point she actually made that decision. No had that continued there is zero chance I would still be with her. But I still can enjoy a conversation with a female without a want to have sex with them.


If you're married, should you really be having conversations with other women?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> If you're married, should you really be having conversations with other women?


We have friends. I don't shun her friends when they spark up a conversation. I don't go out looking to start up conversations but there are females I come into contact with. I am a sociable person.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> We have friends. I don't shun her friends when they spark up a conversation. I don't go out looking to start up conversations but there are females I come into contact with. I am a sociable person.


If your wife is there, it's fine.
If the woman's husband (or father) is there it's fine.
But one on one conversations with the opposite sex is not fine.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> If your wife is there, it's fine.
> If the woman's husband (or father) is there it's fine.
> But one on one conversations with the opposite sex is not fine.


If my wife is ok with it then why is it not fine?


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

You need to tell her that it is fine if she no longer wants sex BUT tell her that you do and you respect her decision not to have sex so you will find someone else to have sex with. Tell her that you will stay in the marriage but just will have sex else where or she can hit the road.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jayjayman how are things going?


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