# I think I am starting to resent my step-children



## PrivateTalk

I am 28 and my husband(M) is 38, we started dating 3 years ago and got married one year ago, he had 2 children from a prev marriage they are age 5(g) and 9(b). (M) moved in with me one month after we started dating and then his son asked to come live with (M) only one month after that, I agreed, I had never had kids and they seemed okay when they visited so I said okay. it lasted about 8 months before he wanted to go to his mom again (side story (M)'s ex is a real bag, she has literally told her son that she doesn't want him or want him around, but he was 7 at the time and that was his mommy) it was also at that time that I spoke up with (M) I was single and lived on my own and in 2 months became a girlfriend and a half way mom to a kid that I didn't chose to have, needless to say I found I was in way over my head and that this was all too much for me to handle. I told him that I wasn't ready for this much and that if I had wanted kids around I would have had my own. We had allot of conversations and decided to slow things down with my integration with the children.

I know you may all say well you knew he had kids it was you that said yes and your right I did know and I did say yes but please do not shove that in my face, because no matter what you say it is always harder than you think to try to be a parental figure to children that are not infants and not your blood, at the start it seems fun then later on not so much. 

I stayed with (M) because I truly do love him and want to be with him. I have realized that I still do not love his children; I care about them yes and like them very much, I treat them with kindness and attention and show them affection but I have still found that I do not love them. I believe that it is because when I first tried to, I began to get discouraged by their actions, they would and still do show me affection and love it when we are together we have fun but I seemed to close my heart off to protect it at a certain point, because I am not their bio mom and never could be I was always treated only second best to their bio parents, they didn't mean any harm by doing it so I don't begrudge them for having done that but I found I was only able to extend myself so far in order to keep myself from getting hurt by them (there are reasons for this that would take long to explain, I tried to love them but when you are cut off time after time you just stop trying to reach that level) but I do like them very much and care deeply for them. We currently get the children every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

So after all that is said, now is where my slow resentment has started. (M) and I now have a baby girl of our own she is 8 months right now but I am pregnant with our next child already  our home is a three bedroom home and now with this pregnancy I want to look for other accommodations simply because at the moment his daughter and son each have their own room where as my daughter is currently residing in my closet (that’s where it started getting worse) the other two are here three days a week and only sleep here two nights a week but somehow they each have their own bedroom where my daughter is in my closet???? And now I have another child on the way and I’m scared that my children are being given the second best life in order for his other children to “feel better” when here. and (M) does not want to move yet he says next year.

On top of that we pay child support to his ex which is fine but until very recently and we talked with her about going to the courts about it we had the children every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (weekdays was after school until their bedtime then she would come for them they sleep at her house then go to school and then come here, except Friday afterschool they just stay as we keep them all weekend) she expected us to have them 5 days a week yet pay her child support and I had finally had enough we were expected to give her the money used to feed/clothe/shelter them yet we were having to do it and pay her on top of it, I finally told my husband enough if this is the arrangement fine we can keep them but we are not paying her anymore because we need the money to feed and clothe them it’s not like we have extra. So then she got in a huff at the idea of not getting her money so she took them back but for the weekends. But I would say that my main frustration and resentment comes that they are here only two nights a week yet my own blood that lives here full time is abandoned to our closet???

I am getting so sad and developing angry and resentful feelings towards them for talking away what should be my daughters as she is here full time please help me. I want to continue to care for all the kids and remain liking them and have fun with them but I feel like I am slipping from them with a tide of resentment and protection for my own child that is being treated as second class and I fear it will only worsen when my next child is born.


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## ClipClop

I'm wondering why you would complicate the situation by having children with this man.

I have step children and we treat all of our kids equally. Maybe if you demanded fairness in all things, same money spent, etc on all children, same rules, etc. It would help you.

Maybe his kids need the gift of therapy instead of stuff to make up for the other issues in their lives. Coz stuff doesn't fill that space. Only love fills it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

No offense, but I was thinking the same thing. Did birth control never enter into your equation? You two are adults, and now you have four(?) kids who will suffer from the adults' inability to deal with situations in a mature manner.

If you guys are in over your heads, GET HELP.


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## turnera

And I just have to say it.

What kind of mother ALLOWS her child to be placed in a closet?


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## golfergirl

turnera said:


> And I just have to say it.
> 
> What kind of mother ALLOWS her child to be placed in a closet?


Is this still the place that was originally yours? He moved in with you at your place and took over and ran the show? 
Bunkbeds for older two in one room, baby in other. Next year when you get new place, they will be old enough to start needing their own rooms due to maturity and privacy. Put your foot down for God's sake - they're all his children.

How big is this closet? It sounds traumatizing! Can you at least put crib in your room?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

PrivateTalk, I just want you to know I'm not bashing you. I know you're in a hard place. But I'm trying to get you to see that you don't HAVE to accept the way things are turning out. YOU have just as much voice as your husband. You have the RIGHT to say NO to putting your child in a closet, ok? If you feel you don't have the right, then you need to get out of this relationship now.


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## golfergirl

turnera said:


> PrivateTalk, I just want you to know I'm not bashing you. I know you're in a hard place. But I'm trying to get you to see that you don't HAVE to accept the way things are turning out. YOU have just as much voice as your husband. You have the RIGHT to say NO to putting your child in a closet, ok? If you feel you don't have the right, then you need to get out of this relationship now.


Blended family dynamics are TOUGH. Even more so when you have someone not being fair (your bf).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PrivateTalk

turnera said:


> And I just have to say it.
> 
> What kind of mother ALLOWS her child to be placed in a closet?



The kind of mother I am is an excellent mother, I give my children love and attention I know how it sounds for my baby to be in our closet but the closet is rather a large walk in the crib fits with extra room left over. I am upset as I want this to change but my daughter is not in the least lacking.


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## turnera

I'm not saying she is. I'm saying that you have to exercise more control over decisions in your marriage. For everyone's sakes. Believe me, I know it's hard. I struggle with it, and I've been married 30 years. But it really does benefit all of you if you start learning about boundaries and how to enforce them.


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## PrivateTalk

I appreciate your comments but some of you seem to be under the wrong assumption that we (M) and I did not plan to have more children, we did and he and I both knew that going in. When we first started dating it was hard learning my role with my Step kids but I managed to do it and we have a good relationship by the time we were married everything was fine. Then when I had my first baby is when I started the resentment I do realize that allot of it comes from a form of irrational jealousy. But I do not understand why some of you would ask why I would have kids with him?? That is not the issue, we always wanted more kids.

Since writing this post I felt more empowered to speak with my husband and tell him everything that I was feeling about our own daughter together and my kids from another mom, I even told him about the resentment starting and my feelings of how my baby doesn't have a place to call her own. I got it all out and he listened to me, I thought he would maybe be angry or confused or something but he just listened to my thoughts and then when I was done, he apologized for not thinking through everything first and he realized that I wasn't being mean by asking for my birth daughter (BD) to have her own space too, he said that he had always planned for her to have her own space but that he knew I liked having her so close since she is so young, we talked about putting a loft bed in SD5's room and put the baby in there, we are going to start the move shortly but we still can't find a new home for a year but this is a solution that I am very happy about.  I was also happy to see (M) so understanding about my feelings on the situation and I have been even more ecstatic to see that he was not judgmental about them, only wanting to find a solution that put all the kids at the focal point


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## turnera

Excellent! Communication is always the solution. Good for you!

btw, I think people replied that way because the way you were writing, it sounded like he and his kids were taking over the situation, while you were being treated like Cinderella. Best of luck.


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## PrivateTalk

turnera said:


> Excellent! Communication is always the solution. Good for you!
> 
> btw, I think people replied that way because the way you were writing, it sounded like he and his kids were taking over the situation, while you were being treated like Cinderella. Best of luck.


I know, thanks  I guess sometimes it's easy to just start on a rant about all things that are going wrong while forgeting to include the really good things too. I guess I had issues that I needed out more than I would have thought, its kind of like having a diary that others can comment on, it feels good and relieves some of the pressure making the issues that seemed so out of hand come back into focus and become managable again.


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## turnera

I remember when I first came to forums, I was convinced my DH was abusive. Couldn't everyone see it? After many many months of people's help, I began to see that HIS actions were directly interwined with MY actions. Of course I didn't want to admit it. But I found that, the more I wanted HIM to change, the more I had to change myself first. It made a lot of difference.


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## Mom#2Bliss

Hello PrivateTalk, 

I am married now almost 4months. However, my husband and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and best friends for longer than that. He has 3 children.. now 17(girl) and 2 boys 7 & 8yrs. I bought a home, and we all moved in together June 2009. It was a transition.. especially not having children of my own, other than my dogs.. and being slightly OCD when it comes to organization and cleanliness.. However, I've adjusted and relaxed a bit, and the kids have certainly learned a tighter schedule. My husband is amazing with the childrens decisions. He says in order for me to be comfortable and feel like i'm involved he runs all decisions even when it comes to his ex through me...and whatever I say is what he is going to back up... Of course I try to be as fair and level headed as possible so as not to take advantage... but we are going to have a child of our own probably trying at the end of this year. I know things will change a bit. I'm worried a little just because his youngest boy is so very much attached to me. He doesn't like to call me his step mom he likes to call me his second mom. Their mother physically and financially abandoned them for a period of almost 3 years, completely leaving them with my husband and myself. So they've grown to look at me as the solid, trustworthy mother figure, they know isn't going anywhere. I worry a bit though, because the youngest is stuck at my side, he doesn't like it when I leave the house without him, he holds my hand wherever we go, he is always seeking my approval and attention...I give to them as much as they want, knowing they struggle with abandonment and trust issues. Motherhood (as I consider them my children) is a hard hard thing, but them having a biological mother (whether she is worthy or not) is still a much deeper struggle. My situation, through lots of tears and conversation has developed into a very respectful, coexisting, relatively peaceful one. I'm glad you talked to your husband about your stresses and worries, I'm sure as my husband does he truly appreciates you taking on the role as "second mom" to his children from another relationship... So keep on the conversation and I pray you get to that peaceful coexistence with your blended family. Take care.


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## redroman

This might be a dead thread by now but I had to answer.

I'm a father of 2 - married now to the woman I consider the true love of my life, but not the biological mother of my two beautiful children. Their mother was my wife for 17 years. A lot of what you say is in scary alignment with what me and my wife of the last 2 years have been through, and in some ways still going through. We're expecting a daughter within the next few months (Nov '12).

I was searching online for some answers to a few hard questions regarding the situation we're in because there are times (tonight being one) that I feel that she very much resents having to shoulder the responsibility of both kids and to be frank I'm not sure how to handle that at times like this. I know I don't want my anger to answer for me - and I also realize that although I like to believe I know how'd I'd respond if the shoe were on the other foot - but the truth is I can't say for certain. I can only hope. To make matters more complicated and stressed my wife out earns me by quite a margin - and I have a few personal monthly bills that combine for around a $1000 per month - while only bringing in aprrox $1600 on average over the last year or so.

My situation is changing at the beginning of the year and I can tell you that I hope it helps that the majority of the debt isn't justified but being legally extorted from me by my exwife who claimed things that never happened in order to get it.

But my wife knew about everything up front as well. Even though it literally weighs on me every day and makes me feel pressure and man shame and embarrassment knowing the earning is off balance right now. I will add, for the first year I made more money than she did and things were still hard in many ways before getting much better a few months back.

But the kids are now becoming the primary issue - along with her parents who have aggressively campaigned against me from the start.

I've had them investigate me, insult me, call me evil, call her unwise and unGodly for dating me, wrong for marrying me. Refer to me as damaged goods, and tell me more than once that I am disallowed from ever being a candidate worthy to be with their daughter.

They have refused to attend Christmas, dinners, weddings, birthdays, and her Masters graduation because of a stubborn refusal to show her the slightest encouragement or support for fear of showing me any respect - and although I can honestly say I've made mistakes with them in the past as well, I've continued to keep the door open and suffer through hours of condemnation and insults while repeatedly humbling myself and asking their forgiveness - all for one reason above all else - because I knew they were important to my wife - and she is important to me.

But...

I'm getting tired of it.

I'm getting tired of the very sense of resentment and self pity that I either sense heavily in her tone or the outright resentment and disparaging remarks I've had to hear come out of her mouth on a near constant basis regarding the flaws of my two children - who unlike her parents have done nothing remotely cruel or unloving to anyone with any intention and have steadfastly loved and stood loyally beside the new woman in their life that they often refer to and treat as "mom".

Let me give you an insight into the other side.

Love is a choice. You deserve every miserable second you experience for one basic reason - you allow yourself the selfish indulgence that comes from the selfish DECISION to "not love" those children. I'm beyond tired of the immature spirit and attitude that demands a place in any heart that accepts "non love" for children you've made the decision to allow into your home and life but not your heart.

You have the problem - not the kids - not even your husband.

If you resent him - fair, not helpful and dangerous, but at least its understandable. But to take the position that its "hard" and you do it for your "protection" is a ridiculous self centered, self pitying choice that yields the depression and misery you find yourself in - grow up and recognize these two children have suffered enough. They have been hurt and rejected and judged and resented and used and abused and taken in and thrown out and loved and "unloved" by enough pathetic supposed adults to warrant the love of any self respecting adult. When it gets hard - put yourself in their place, remember life isn't supposed to be easy and warm and nice for you most of the time - just ask the kids you've walled off from if you doubt it. But life was never supposed to be easy and rewarding in order to bring you peace and make you happy - its the hard parts and difficult relationships that stand with you through the darkest times that make it worth living. The truth is its hard and demands sacrifice for the very things and people you love the most, and who make the best moments the most cherished. Life will never be a happy place or bring peace of any worth or lasting time to a heart too frightened, beaten, and self pitying to love with every ounce of sacrifice you can scrape out of yourself.

I'm sorry - but you sound very full of yourself and clueless about how to stop feeling sorry for you and fill yourself with empathy for them.

I suspect you fell for your husband in part because he knows how to love his kids and you with a strength you admire. If that's true than you should do your best to emulate what you see as far as being open and vulnerable so you can get past this weight of depression and start giving to the people who love you enough to trust you with their lives when they have every reason to trust no one.

Or keep holding on to what you have a RIGHT to feel no matter how much more wrong it causes and slowly watch yourself lose the family you've already started pushing away - and when you do mark my words you will rip their heart out and kill each one of them deep down inside the way they've already been ripped before - and live with the fact that they will never look at you or remember you the same way for the rest of your life.

And to make it worse - they'll get over you - accept the person you really are, and move on with each other and in time become even stronger and more loving than they are now to you, with someone else. They'll recover and you never will - because people who refuse to wall off their heart no matter how much it gets broken understand the point of life is caring and loving and even hurting with other people. They'll always find a way to stand up again while people like you will become more bitterly confused about finding meaning to a life you always cherished above everyone else's.

Sorry - but I don't care if everyone hates this post and I don't care if it offends you. You're willingness to accept a condition of your heart that is anything other than love offends me a thousand times more - and it should - they deserve better - they deserve a better version of you - and so do you.


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## turnera

Your wife doesn't sound all that lovable. Are you two in therapy?


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## Resentment

My Child is a grown up. I went through many years of working two jobs just to make sure she had the things she wanted & needed to be socially acceptable. I worked myself hard for years to provide & care for her. Now I want to have my career & travel & she has tried to stop that for her own reasons. I resent this as I gave up almost twenty years of my life to raise her and sacrificed everything for her. She decided to have a child I begged her not to get pregnant I feel she did it to trap me so she could keep me where she wanted me to be She knew very well I used to travel to America every year and she knew I was interested in living there. Now she doesn't want me to leave so I can be there for her to babysit but I want to travel I never got to when I was young and my friends children her age live in different countries and far from their parents and only visit once every three months. If she didn't have a chilld it would be different she is only dependent coz she has a child. She even went as far as to try and sabotage my career so I wouldn't leave which is hurtful coz I gave up my life for her.


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## maddi9979

Oh man. Redroman. 

I know this post is long dead but I just have to say something in case some other poor stepmom comes across your answer and feels worse about herself because of it. 

You are so full of BS and overblown mansplaining I can't even handle it...how dare you lecture this poster about how and what she "should" be feeling toward kids who aren't hers? And how dare you have these kinds of expectations of your own wife? You have no clue what you're talking about and you will never, ever know. You have no clue what it's like to bring no children to a relationship with a man with kids...to out-earn that man and see your options for life dwindle because of supporting someone else's children. Your wife is doing something for you that you can LITERALLY never reciprocate or repay, and you have the gall to complain that she resents it? YOU grow up and figure out how to support your own damn kids. YOU grow up and understand that YOU are causing the resentment by being a poor provider and using your wife to take care of your kids from a previous relationship. Seriously, I really hope she's left you in the past five years. 

Until you give away your time, money, and other limited resources EVERY SINGLE WEEK to kids who aren't yours...you have nothing to say.


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