# Any advice for ending/staying in a loveless marriage



## saphir (Sep 6, 2012)

I'm looking for some advice/opinions on how to get my head around my current situation - my brain is so drained I can't even think straight at the moment 

I've been married for almost 8 years and we've been together for almost 10 and have 2 children 5 and 3. We have a beautiful house on land and outwardly have a wonderful life. I'm almost 30 and he's 38

Inwardly it's just crap, my husband isn't a mean person, he's great with the kids and a good provider but that's where it ends.

We don't talk and have no intimate relationship, I have tried over the years to work on things ( mostly without talking to him because he is VERY difficult to talk to unless it's non important small talk type stuff - if I say anything remotely negative he shuts down or blames me)
I can't remember the last time we kissed and sex is very non intimate and I can't wait til it's over - I've told him countless times that he can't expect to have sex with me without showing me any form of affection in between times, with no change.

But now it feels for me that it's just gone too far and I don't want him to change because I can't ever see myself wanting to kiss him/sleep with him or have any sort of relationship beyond being friends. I resent him hugely and over the years I've made myself busier and focussed more and more on my horses - which now come 2nd only to my kids. I know he hates them(the horses not the kids!!!) and I'm not really allowed to talk about them and he'll even put framed photo's of them away in cupboards when he thinks I don't notice!

The major problem now is that I've told him I want to leave and he says he still loves me and he has been trying over the last couple of weeks to chat to me and be affectionate but I still can't stand it, it just feels like he's suffocating me and has me trapped. I feel insanely guilty because I know it would break his heart and his family would be extremely judgemental because to them divorce isn't an option.

Even now with this massive topic we can still barely talk about it, the first time we spoke he said I can't make you stay and then broke down which just lead me to staying because it hurt to see him so upset.
The second time I told him I needed space and wanted to have a break and he ended up shouting some really horribly abusive things at me and basically told me if I left he would make sure I wouldn't have custody of my children.
And last night he tried the tactic of telling me everything I wanted to hear, but I know at least half of it was fake to encourage me to stay.

One minute I've decided to leave and the next it just all feels far too hard to even start...


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

saphir said:


> I'm looking for some advice/opinions on how to get my head around my current situation - my brain is so drained I can't even think straight at the moment
> 
> I've been married for almost 8 years and we've been together for almost 10 and have 2 children 5 and 3. We have a beautiful house on land and outwardly have a wonderful life. I'm almost 30 and he's 38
> 
> ...



I know / understand how you feel - it isn't really anything that he is bad about his character but the sheer boredom that drives people away from this type of relationship because you think, Hey! There could be something better waiting for me out there!

At least, not someone as boring as him.

But I think he is trying to become more exiciting for you. 

He needs to bring you to new places and new experiences (not sexually) but just give a the relationship a revamp.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Counselling may be beneficial to give you some objective feedback. Sometimes we feel less than happy and place the responsibility for that on our spouse. Other times our spouse loses focus of what's important with life and needs a wakeup call. A good counsellor will help you identify what your situation is. 

The path of least resistance, good or bad, is to stay together. For that reason the best alternative is to try to find ways to get what you want out of your existing relationship. If that is impossible for whatever reason than you shouldn't be expected to stay in a less than fulfilling relationship. Both of you are better off being free to find a relationship that makes both of you happy.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

My W could have written a lot of that. One big difference is that she needs (not wants) the marriage. You have kids, so IMHO you should give this your last/best shot before walking away. MC might help. Also, try to open your heart to your H again...he's trying. Guys can be lunkheads when it comes to this stuff, and maybe he just needed a good wake up call to be a good H for you.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Was he always like this? Since you've known him?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You didn't mention that you're working or self sufficient. Will you be able to afford your horses after a divorce? Something to think about.


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## saphir (Sep 6, 2012)

Hi guys, thanks very much for the input - much appreciated 

I went to see a councillor a couple of days ago but really didn't get much out of it, apart from the only way this will work is if we BOTH make the effort and to be honest I can't get myself back to a place where I want to make it work, it's been such a long time since I felt anything for him that for me it's just gone and the thought of being intimate with him on any level makes me feel quite sick...

Currently he's being really pleasant to live with but I know he's going out of his way to do and say anything to keep the peace and I know it's not the right thing to do but I can't stop myself being a bit of a ***** to him - not being nasty but just not letting him get close and doing/saying things I know would have previously made him annoyed at me.

Beachguy, He has always been hard to communicate with and not an overly affectionate person - at the beginning we used to drink a fair bit together and that's when he becomes a fun and chatty person, I'm a really chatty happy person and can basically hold a conversation on my own and that's how I believe we've gotten this far. 
It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I (for interests sake) decided I'd see how long it took for him to speak to me without initiating a conversation - it was almost a week!!! The crazy thing was, he had no idea why I wasn't speaking to him and we'd walk past each other, sit on the couch, go to bed etc and not say a word - I think this was the final thing that just crushed me  As the days went on I didn't even WANT to speak to him anymore 

Enginerd, I do have a part time job and I work with horses so I know in a worst case scenario my horse could live there.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Several things about what you posted really stood out. It sounds like you have already decided 'too little, too late' and have your mind made up that nothing he does at this point will have any effect on your desire to end the marriage. You said that over the last few weeks he has tried to be open with you, you say you know he is lying. How would you know that? Also that he, a very unloving and emotionless man, has broken down and cried in front of you. No telling how many times he has cried and you didn't see it. Doesn't sound like he has given up at all to me.

You've been together 10 years, waited 5 years to have kids. The communication & intimacy was OK for years, what really happened or changed on YOUR end to make it not OK to the point where you have thrown in the towel? 

If he is going a week without conversation, is it because he's learned that all conversations are centered around him being the bad guy, he can't win? Just asking you to think about this, he sounds either clueless or in defense mode. If you aren't sure, ask him and don't automatically discount his answers as him lying.

Also, where is he at on your priority list. Somewhere behind the kids and the horses? Definitely sounds like he is jealous of the horses! Do you spend as much time praising him and talking about his good qualities? Do you proudly display framed pictures of him?

Not trying to anger you, just give you some things to think about. He may be feeling like a discarded toy at this point, instead of your primary focus. I'll bet that with a turn around on your focus and attention you may see some amazing results.

If there is one thing I've learned about guys, and been told by my hubby, it is that GUYS DON'T GET HINTS. They just don't. They aren't wired that way. So all your non verbal communication throughout the years he hasn't understood, and if he did notice it probably registered as 'eh, wife being weird today. Maybe she is pmsing? I'll ignore it since I don't understand it'. 

Try this: have a calm, emotionless conversation with him. Keep it short, and too the point, don't let it meander on for hours it will just confuse him. Tell him you are going to try to improve YOUR communication with him, ask him for patience while you do this, and for him to feel free to ask you if he ever has a question or doesn't understand you. Ask him to also feel free to express his needs and desires to you, and reassure him that you will listen and do your best to be open and receptive. Apologize for past snarky and belittling comments. When you catch yourself backsliding, stop immediately and apologize. Make it sincere. Some times the best way to change someone else is to change yourself, just try it.

Together you both need to schedule date times, away from the kiddies and home chores to genuinely reconnect. Make these times sacred and important, because they are. Don't discuss issues or work or problems, look for fun & intimacy. It will only help and may be the beginnings of a turn around for your marriage.


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## saphir (Sep 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He doesn't sound like a bad man just an introvert. I understand the dating & drinking & the drinking gave him the liquid courage to talk & share more. Without the drinking, you see the real him & you don't like him very much. He shows no interest in your passion (horses), no intimacy, no romance & very little interest in you as a person.

I mean no disrespect but maybe you are a "check in the box" for him:

Wife - check
Kids - check
Job - check
Box - check

He doesn't want to "uncheck" the wife box so he tries anything to keep you to stay.

My advice before divorce because you have children is to get him to agree to go to marriage counseling. I think if the counselor can get him to open up more you may have a chance to save your marriage.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

I think that if it hurts you to see him so upset then there has to be feeling. If there feelings there is a chance but it will take alot of work by both of you. You two should have a open talk about everything and agree on no yelling, no finger pointing, no cutdowns, just open honest talk. If you and him can't get your feelings out in the open you have little chance IMO


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## saphir (Sep 6, 2012)

Lastunicorn, I don't think he's lying when he says he wants to make it work, what I meant was he was saying things I wanted to hear and I know some of it wasn't real, for example he was telling me what he saw as our future plans, but those plans weren't his they were plans I'd mentioned once a long time ago of what I'd love to do but he'd dismissed them as silly and non workable, suddenly these plans were his for our future, I even said as much when he was telling me.
And also, I'm a very enthusiastic happy person and have never been the negative nagging wife type, so I don't think I've ground him down to this - I really do feel I've kept our relationship going on the communication side of things and ask questions to get him to tell me about his day or anything really!!!
And yes, we do have plenty of photo's and pieces of furniture that my H has made etc
The horses have always been there but despite putting the effort in with my H and getting very little in return there's only so much I can cope with and with the horses I can focus on them and bury my head in the sand a bit- I know it's not a good way to have become  But like I said, I don't talk about the horses at home and I still have always been trying.

For example he would come home and I'd say Hi, how was your day and tell him something funny one of the kids said or did, I'd be cooking dinner and thinking he was there but he'd already left the room or if I was concentrating on something when he came home and didn't say hi first he'd walk straight past me.
It's just really worn me down and I don't know if I can physically keep going.

Emerald, I really do think you've hit the nail on the head. And like I just said above it's so upsetting to be mostly ignored on a daily basis  And also to not only keep up my side of the marriage but also half of his side too.

Homebuilder, yes, it did hurt me to see him upset, I'm not a heartless person! But since then when we've talked I've cried(and I don't cry generally) and I have gotten absolutely no emotion from him, the second time was when he told me he'd take the kids away if I left and the more I cried the more he shouted horrible things at me.

The other thing in our relationship is that we're in no way equal partners, I have absolutely no idea about the mortgage, or bills, I don't own a car that doesn't belong to his families business and we don't share a bank account in any form. He basically gives me a wage to buy the food and clothes etc for the kids, and he really didn't want me having a job, but I had to get one because the amount I get a week just doesn't cover everything. And I would never ask him for extra money.
I don't know how this happened, it just did and over the years when I've brought up the fact that I have an issue with it and want to know things he just says why do you want to know? Don't worry about it.
But then he threw it all in my face when I told him I wanted to leave to work out what I really wanted


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

You have any men friends , that you feel understands you better than he does? Are some of those of affection feelings of yours, going some where else?

You are anonymous here so be honest. 

Sounds like H is making an effort, but you are done


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## saphir (Sep 6, 2012)

There's no one else, the next closest man in my life would be my boss and although we get on well that's all there is to it.

I wish I was getting affection from somewhere - I might not feel the need to leave my marriage to find it!! But that's not the right way at all...


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

saphir said:


> I'm looking for some advice/opinions on how to get my head around my current situation - my brain is so drained I can't even think straight at the moment
> 
> I've been married for almost 8 years and we've been together for almost 10 and have 2 children 5 and 3. We have a beautiful house on land and outwardly have a wonderful life. I'm almost 30 and he's 38
> 
> ...


Listen very carefully because I can save you a lot of distress. Your husband is desperate. He probably loves you deeply and is deeply attached to you and his family. His actions are volatile simply because he is trying anything and everything to get you to change your mind. He doesn't know what to do. He is clutching at straws. Nothing works that ought to work for him. His actions may appear manipulative but they are not because he likely believes his intentions are honorable. He needs to act more detached and focus on himself, but like 90% of the population cannot do that yet. He is too attached to you.

Do not blame him when he hurts you. He is in a very painful place, he is very afraid. He may feel the ends (saving his family) justify the means ESPECIALLY since you have 2 young children. He may feel like a truck hit him out of the darkness if you have felt unable to fully share your feelings with him for years. Do NOT react hurtfully. No matter how much he hurts you, do your very best NOT to reciprocate to punish him or try to force him to let go. You cannot stop him loving you by hurting him, you CANNOT make him let you go. Only time can do that. You can only escalate matters by hitting back. So DON'T. If you only listen to one thing in my whole message, hear this. Just stick to your line. You want space. You want time. Gently, repeatedly tell him that until he gets it OR you feel like you can talk to him. Limit his contact with you if necessary. If necessary, tell him you only want to talk at mediated counseling sessions. If he has ANY hope GO TO COUNSELING.

He needs to give you more space. If he doesn't this will surely get worse for both of you. Have him talk to me if necessary. Tell him to PM me. I will tell him to give you space. In the meanwhile, really think about the scenario you are setting up for the next 15 years. Your kids will have one or more step moms. They will be shuttled back and forth between households. You will likely have a custody fight. You will probably never have as much access to your children as you do now. Your expenses will go up and you will lose all the great qualities that he has. When you are old and grey and you can't have sex you may want that friend back. You could have financial arguments with him on a regular basis for years. You could be back and forth in court on and off for years. THINK ABOUT THIS. If you don't like the sound of that scenario GET COUNSELING, give him a YEAR to fix things. Your feelings can CHANGE if he changes!


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