# Sex Agreements with Mis-Matched Libidos



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I know I've read about spouses making agreements, such as "if you refuse me tonight, you have 24 hours to make it up to me." Or making "date" nights - scheduling sex so many times per week.

Anyone here tried these things? How well did they work? Can you truly expect a spouse who isn't in the mood to have sex simply because its written down on their schedule? Did doing this actually lead to a better sex life, or did it continue to feel like a chore to the partner with the lower drive?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I know I've read about spouses making agreements, such as "if you refuse me tonight, you have 24 hours to make it up to me." Or making "date" nights - scheduling sex so many times per week.
> 
> Anyone here tried these things? How well did they work? Can you truly expect a spouse who isn't in the mood to have sex simply because its written down on their schedule? Did doing this actually lead to a better sex life, or did it continue to feel like a chore to the partner with the lower drive?


We've tried these things and speak right up about sex and when we want it. Usually we do something like "I'd like to have sex within the next 24 hour period" and that way it can be somewhat spontaneous, when both are in the mood, and yet both parties know what's expected and when. One of the BIGGEST sex-killers for me is not knowing what my partner expects, wants, hopes for...whatever. Trying to "guess" and "hint" about wanting sex makes one feel rejected and the other like they are being smothered! So if my spouse isn't in the mood when I say "next 24 hours" they have 24 whole hours to GET in the mood and/or to say "I'm not in the mood this moment but I'm willing to let you get me in the mood!" :ezpi_wink1: 

And let me be clear on something. I would not say that sex is a "chore" (because that has connotations of a routine assignment that is considered distasteful) but to be completely blunt, it is one of the duties you volunteer for when you get married. You volunteer to stop living like a single and consider your spouse in all things; you volunteer to "leave and cleave" from your family and form an intimate bond with your spouse; you volunteer to protect your spouse, yourself, and your marriage from your own weaknesses; and you volunteer to be the one and only moral sexual outlet for your spouse. It is not an option, nor is it reasonable, to remove your spouse's only moral sexual outlet--that is breaking your vow just as severely as having an affair, and the resulting harm is just as devastating. 

People look at responsibilities like they are this "heavy burden to bear." Well that's up to you. You can choose that way of looking at it, or you can choose to think of it as a privilege and pleasure. But the view you choose in no way diminishes the responsibility.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Very well said. Similar to our approach.




Affaircare said:


> We've tried these things and speak right up about sex and when we want it. Usually we do something like "I'd like to have sex within the next 24 hour period" and that way it can be somewhat spontaneous, when both are in the mood, and yet both parties know what's expected and when. One of the BIGGEST sex-killers for me is not knowing what my partner expects, wants, hopes for...whatever. Trying to "guess" and "hint" about wanting sex makes one feel rejected and the other like they are being smothered! So if my spouse isn't in the mood when I say "next 24 hours" they have 24 whole hours to GET in the mood and/or to say "I'm not in the mood this moment but I'm willing to let you get me in the mood!" :ezpi_wink1:
> 
> And let me be clear on something. I would not say that sex is a "chore" (because that has connotations of a routine assignment that is considered distasteful) but to be completely blunt, it is one of the duties you volunteer for when you get married. You volunteer to stop living like a single and consider your spouse in all things; you volunteer to "leave and cleave" from your family and form an intimate bond with your spouse; you volunteer to protect your spouse, yourself, and your marriage from your own weaknesses; and you volunteer to be the one and only moral sexual outlet for your spouse. It is not an option, nor is it reasonable, to remove your spouse's only moral sexual outlet--that is breaking your vow just as severely as having an affair, and the resulting harm is just as devastating.
> 
> People look at responsibilities like they are this "heavy burden to bear." Well that's up to you. You can choose that way of looking at it, or you can choose to think of it as a privilege and pleasure. But the view you choose in no way diminishes the responsibility.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Doesn't really work for me. I want spontaneous, passionate sex and i don't want to know when it hits. He wants exactly the same and is annoyed by the idea of scheduling, even if it's "in the next 24 hours". 

This makes the whole situation especially tricky. Then again, i'd rather schedule and not enjoy that much than stay without. This is the part where we don't agree. Thing is, it's hard to get in the mood when you're "forced into it"

The deal i'm trying to strike is more like explaining to him that instead of saying "no" he should try keeping a more open mind and encourage me in actually getting him in the mood. I know he'll get in the mood if i start doing various stuff. I just can't start doing them because "no" is deeply stuck in my mind and i'm really far from the level of confidence where i'm sexy.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Neeko - Well if you both sit around waiting for spontaneous passionate sex you may be in for a long wait. Also both of you have a ***** in your armor in terms of an opening for someone outside the marriage to make a move on the other spouse.

Why not share a small item that symbolizes sexual control, maybe a soft toy, a necklace, a rubber band... whatever it is doesn't matter. Whoever possesses the item of control is required to be the one to initate sex for the next occassion. The other partner without it, may not initate it. After sex the one in charge of the control item may elect to either keep it, or give it to the other partner.

Mutual submission deadlocks can last a long long long time...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

You're very right. That's what i'm trying to fix now. I am aware of the "***** in our armor"...well,mine is perfectly protected...i'm a bit worried about his though. In any case, you gave a pretty good idea. For starters, it's clearly my turn. He's initiated the last three-four of em. After that i'll definitely consider doing what you've said. Actually, that's a brilliant way of not turning sex into a chore, keeping its spontaneity but ensuring someone's trying to make it happen as well.

So Thank You!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You are welcome. Also it's a way you can playfully inject elements of dominance and submission play into sex. Not everyone wants to go the whole leather collar and whips route, but some elements of that can be fun. If only to be the one calling the shots for any particular time together


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