# After 15yrs, I am ready for this to be over.. Extremely long post



## confused_lost (Oct 26, 2010)

*After 15yrs, I need to end this, but dont know howr.. Extremely long post*

I am married with four children. We had issues in the beginning of the marriage that we worked though. But it is still thrown in my face every so often. 

DH has been sick off and on with vision and gout issues for the past 10yrs. (I am not completely sure how bad his vision is now. He read and see things that I didn't think he could see, so there is no telling) He stopped working fulltime about 9 yrs ago, stopped working all together about 5-6 yrs ago. I figured the vows said, for better or for worse, sickness and in health. So Im working fulltime, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet. Meanwhile, he says he's too sick to do anything. He can't clean up after himself or the house in general. But, he can hang with his friends that come to the house to visit him. He can go fishing and crabbing for hours. Even help others when trying to fix their cars. All of my family and friends are telling me to leave, but I feel the need to stay to "take care" of him. 

Well, while in nursing school, I got fed up.. I was tired.. Everything that ever happened since we first met, all the things he had done to me and I just accepted it, start running through my head. I realized that I have been putting up with physical, mental and emotional about for years and it finally hit. So, I kicked him out. I had enough. Needless to say, I am paying all of the bills. While separated, I began talking to others. Well, he found out.. and flipped. Because I had prior debt, when we moved back here, I put all of the utilities in his name. With the cell phone, he got a better deal, so he put those in his name. 

Well, first, he called and had the lights cut off on me. He also had the water cut off. We have 4 children and he put us in the dark with no water. No compassion, he said, let me come home and I will cut it back on. Of course I didn't fall for that. So, I just moved in with my grandmother until I could come up with the money to reopen the accounts in my name. One day my friend told me he called her home and was terrogating her mother. He called all the numbers that I had called and did the same thing. He went as far as changing my password to my cellphone so that I couldn't retrieve any voicemail. The stupid thing is, I was paying the bill and he didnt have any money to continue his service, he didnt care. Well, since he turned off my phone, he started calling my job, yelling and harrassing people there. A couple of the girls said he curse them out as well. He also sent naked picture of me to all of the numbers he found on the phone I tried talking to his mother, but she didnt care. But of course, it was one-sided so I just gave up. 

He continuosly called and threatened to kill me. I really feared for my life. His mother didn't believe a thing I told him, so there's no telling if he could make his way back here. His mother lived 300 miles away from us. I was badgered and harrassed for 9 months. He had death in the family and I felt sorry for him. I started thinking that maybe if he came back home, I would be safer. With him not being there, I dont know where he is and if he would show up. He once left me a voicemail that said " You can get the order of protection all you want, but you will never know when I am coming; I can be in the woods when you come home at night or waiting in the house when you get there". I was extremely scared, but stupidly let him come back because I felt I would know where he is. And all he wanted is to come back home.

While he was gone, me and the children were the happiest we had ever been. We enjoyed every moment except for when he was harrassing us.

Well, 2 years have passed and nothing has really changed. All I ask is for him to keep the house clean and help the kids with homework. He never cleans, unless im mad and then he'll do one chore. But other than that, he does nothing. I really believe I have fallen out of love. I love him as a person. But nothing more. He went to the doctor and got new that he has another ailment. In which he can't lift more than 10lbs at a time. So I said, well you could get an office job. Then he said, I will jus apply for SS Disability. At this point, I have no caring left. I really don't care anymore. He can cry at the drop of a hat. I want out of this marriage. It should have never happened. But im afraid of what he would do this time. Well, the utilities and phones are in my name, so that's not the issue. Its just the fear of him really killing me this time. Then the fear of him calling my job again. I had left the job because of scheduling issues and humiliation. But when trying to go back to the job, I had hell trying to get back in. Once I did, I was told that most of my coworkers didnt want me to come back because of my crazy husband. 

I really want out.. I am afraid of what he will do to me.. Im afraid of what his family will think.. I am afraid of what he might do to himself..

Please, if I have left something out and you need more details, please let me know. My family is tired of hearing my issues. They wanted me to get a divorce him 13yrs ago. I feel like I am going crazy... :crazy:

lost & confused


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

CL,

My sister has a husband like this, although he is not violent or threatening toward her. His only threat has been to take her children. She loves him and hates him at the same time. My husband is the one with a history of violence. Anyway, he, like your husband, used to be a good provider. Then, he supposedly injured his back at work. Now, for the last two years I think, he stays home with the kids, not doing anything but playing World of Warcraft on the computer. My nephew even disappeared once, as he left him and his brother (2 & 4) in the back yard without any supervision so he could play his computer game. Apparently, the four year old somehow climbed over the fence and went into the neighbor's house. The neighbor found my nephew in her kitchen. The neighbor brough my nephew home and my BIL just laughed and joked about it with me when I got home from work. This all happened when I was living with them during my separation. Does he love his kids, sure he does, but he is not a good father. He is not good caregiver. He is not a good parent. He does not help with the bills. When his unemployement was about to run out (after utilizing all possible extensions) my sister freaked out and asked him what his plan was. He said that he could not work, so he was going to live off of SS Disability. My sister called me in a horrible panic, I went over and told him that he could absolutely work, and that he could certainly handle and office job as he has no problem sitting at the computer all day. I told him that anyone looking in from the outside would say that he was a deadbeat, and that his priorities were messed up. I told my sister that she had a decision to make.

Anyway, you are dealing with this and violence! F--k him! He brings nothing to the table, and has made you in fear for your life. Get him out of your house. Get that restraining order. If he contacts you or your job even one time, you call the police. Move far away if you have to. He obviously does not have, or will quickly run out of the means to follow you. Or, just go out of town for a while. Maybe your job will work with you. Maybe you could speak with your HR Department about your current situation. They may be able to help protect you. Maybe they will allow you to take a leave of absence, thus protecting your job for a period of time. Where is your family throughout all of this? By the way, I know plenty of people with medical issues worse than gout and poor vision. I myself have a 10mm brain cyst, severe stomach spasms, depression, herniated discs leaving me unable to pick up any more than 10lbs, shin splints, severe migraines, severe panic attacks, hypoglycemia, and I am a pernicious anemic. A doctor would probably say its a friggin miracle I can stand up. But, I still work full-time job 1.5 hours away from home, cook dinner every night, do all the laundry, clean the entire house, and raise a child. I even managed to simultaneously attend college full-time and hold down a second part-time job at night for a period of about a year. Hey, if I can do all that, and I am sure I would qualify for disability, then he certainly can to. There are no excuses. Blind people work. He needs to compensate for his vision issued. People in wheelchairs work. There is no excuse. In addition to that he seems to think that you owe him your life! He owes you!

Do not feel bad for putting him out. You just do whatever you have to do to keep yourself and your children safe. And, by the way, don't bother calling his mother. She is biased and will never take your side over his.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

You are not crazy! You are perfectly sane.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Call a domestic violence hotline and ask for a local counselor to speak with. You are in this marriage out of fear that leaving him would get up killed. That's so f***ed up, I can barely process it. While he doesn't abuse you living there, a domestic violence counselor can guide you in how other women have left men under the threat of violence and managed to keep themselves and their children safe. Though your situation is not traditional, you can learn practical solutions to your problem through a consultation with one of these places.

Best of luck.


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