# Should I say something to the Ex?



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, last night my daughter wants to come to bed with me, she was with her dad since Friday, and I guess she wanted to snuggle. I didn't mind. I enjoy this time with her because she opens up about things that bother her (8yrs), and we work through what is bothering her. Usually it's drama with other girls (girls are so mean sometimes). Last night was different. 

My ex has lived with his g/f for about 6 or so months, things seem to be good between the kids and her. My kids spend the weekends at the ex, so my kids know her well. So my daughter says "mommy, a weird thing happened, K (the g/f) moved all of her things out of the apt. this weekend". I said nothing, I let her continue. She then says that her father told her that the g/f was going back to her old place for a couple of weeks until they move into their new place. I said "well, maybe she wants to pack her things for the new house". My daughter keeps saying "what do you think happened", and then adds "daddy says he might not move to the new place now". I'm feeling a bit awkward at this point, since I have no idea what is going on, my ex and I don't have conversations about our personal lives, but I'm thinking that it's affecting our daughter, and something needs to be clarified for her, she's feeling insecure, and was looking forward to the new place. Then she says "don't tell daddy I told you"...yikes, this isn't good. But she wanted me to in a subtle way explore the topic with him without letting him know she told me. The conversation ended there and we went to sleep.

So today, I thought about it, and I really didn't want to bring it up, but had to call him about income tax stuff. He had had an agruement with our 23 year old son, so I asked if they resolved their situation, then he brought up the whole g/f thing. He was very vague about it really, but said she went to her apt. for a couple of weeks until they move to their new apt. Our older son moved in with him in January, and they do not get along at all, and it's caused such friction in his relationship with the g/f that she has taken some time away. He was aloof, and said "my kids come first". I agree, but if older son is being disrespectful, that's not acceptable either.

Ok, sorry for being long winded, as I usually am...lol. What should I do about this? I know that my older son is moving to the new place with them, and he and his father will continue to argue and disrupt his father's relationship with his g/f, and I feel like my kids will be exposed to this crap and tension, they've been through enough!!!

Keep in mind that my ex can be very abusive verbally, so I have to be careful what I say.

Maybe I'm overreacting, and I shouldn't say anything, I'm trying to keep my kids safe and have a predictable life.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I probably wouldn't say anything unless you actually enjoy getting into the middle of their drama. Your son, ex, and the girlfriend are all adults. Let them figure things out themselves. As for your young daughter, just be there for her and reassure her. You want to keep communication open between the two of you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Something similar here but my daughter is a couple of years older. My ex broke up with his gf about 2 months ago and still has not told the kids. Far out that man is a communications failure, always has been and was one of the main reasons for the split.
So one day DD said to me "mum we don't go to xxxxx's place anymore with daddy, why is that?" I was caught out, he and I had discussed the fact that his relationship was finished but he didn't tell the kids :scratchhead:

As for what to do? Hope that a branch falls down and knocks some sense into him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I always tell my son that grownups sometimes decide they're better off living a different way than they had been living.I assure him the changes aren't his fault and I let him know none of that other stuff matters because mom and dad aren't going anywhere regardless of what else happens with girlfriends or whatever.

I don't think you should address it with your ex or with your son.I think it's on them to fix it and the only thing you can do is support your daughter emotionally when she needs it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Man I dig that picture SB. Reminds me of a mid sixties Barbara Hershey. Whooo boy.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm not at all interested in getting involved in drama, I live a pretty stable and peaceful life. I guess I will continue to reassure my daughter, and help her when she worries. I just don't get why people can't be clear, otherwise kids come up with their own assumptions of the situation, which is usually worse.

thanks for the input.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

working_together said:


> I'm not at all interested in getting involved in drama, I live a pretty stable and peaceful life. I guess I will continue to reassure my daughter, and help her when she worries. I just don't get why people can't be clear, otherwise kids come up with their own assumptions of the situation, which is usually worse.
> 
> thanks for the input.


I think many times people really don't know what to tell them or they think "oh they're just a kid,they won't even notice or they'll get over it and forget about it quickly"
Lots of kids get messed up because adults don't understand how to communicate with them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't say anything. 

It's your ex's business and his girlfriend's about t heir moving situation (or not-moving situation).

If your daughter asks again just tell her "I don't know what is going on with them. Maybe you can ask daddy." Don't get involved.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't say anything.
> 
> It's your ex's business and his girlfriend's about t heir moving situation (or not-moving situation).
> 
> If your daughter asks again just tell her "I don't know what is going on with them. Maybe you can ask daddy." Don't get involved.


My ex can be abusive at times, so I don't think she feels comfortable asking him questions, she kind of relies on me to help her figure things out, or do the asking. That's where my need to protect the younger two comes in. It's hard because it's not my business at all, and I never get involved or say much when my ex, or the older son say things about each other, or basically complain. For years I was the peacekeeper between them, and in the last year I haven't played that role, just takes time getting used to everything.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't say anything.
> 
> It's your ex's business and his girlfriend's about t heir moving situation (or not-moving situation).
> 
> If your daughter asks again just tell her "I don't know what is going on with them. Maybe you can ask daddy." Don't get involved.


I totally agree. Stay completely away from it.

Was this girlfriend the OW?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> I totally agree. Stay completely away from it.
> 
> Was this girlfriend the OW?


No, they had been friends for a few months or so before we split up. That doesn't bother me any longer, that's the past etc. I'm just trying to sort out the stuff that comes with divorce.

Sometimes I don't know what is appropriate or not. For instance, tomorrow is the ex's b-day, and it's his 50th, so it's a special one. I would like the kids to do something for him, but also do not want to overstep boundaries.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't sound like any of this is your beer. You probably have enough trials and drama in your own life without worrying about an ex's. I haven't read anything in your narrative that makes we fear for your child's safety regardless of what's happening with the relationship over at your ex's apartment. Your son is 21 and your ex is 50. If they have friction, it's their's to fix and they are both adult enough to do so. When your 8 year old told you all this gossip about her father's business and asked you to keep it quiet, it would have been a great opportunity to give her a lesson on the evils of gossiping, the importance of respecting people's privacy, and "good secrets vs bad secrets". If she's blabbing his business to you she probably blabs your's over at his house. Whether you have anything interesting to tell this week or not is irrelevant. The basic principle is that if you're telling things about someone that you wouldn't want getting back to them, you probably shouldn't be telling them at all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

working_together said:


> No, they had been friends for a few months or so before we split up. That doesn't bother me any longer, that's the past etc. I'm just trying to sort out the stuff that comes with divorce.
> 
> Sometimes I don't know what is appropriate or not. For instance, tomorrow is the ex's b-day, and it's his 50th, so it's a special one. I would like the kids to do something for him, but also do not want to overstep boundaries.


Remind them - and let it go.

Not your concern.


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