# Wife no longer wants to be mom



## FlyingAway (Aug 16, 2008)

Wife and I have been married 15 years, marrying when we were each 21. We have a son (4) and a daughter (1yo). 

In the past month I started to see “changes” in my wife’s attitude towards me as well as our children, particular our 4 year old. I confronted her last week with my concerns… and to see what was going on. After a limited talk (her holding things back it seemed), we had another emotional talk last night. It basically came out that she doesn’t feel like she can open up completely to me, is not happy at home, and knows that (in her words) that she is being a horrible mom to our kids. 

I told her I’m here for her and that I will do everything and anything in my power to help her through this. I asked her if she felt she could ever fully open up to me, and she said she didn’t know and started to cry more. I have a feeling she misses her freedom that came prior to marriage and children, but feels obligated to stay here because of the kids even though she is obviously miserable. 

She flat out told me she can’t stand our son. It broke my heart. It’s one thing for her to tell me that she isn’t in love with me… but to hear that about our son truly made me cry and now makes me concerned. She has shown more and more of a temper with him. He can be a difficult child at times (isn’t every 4 year old!?), and it takes every once of patience to make it through those moments. I see less and less patience from her every day and little things that any parent might find frustrating or annoying becomes a major issue to her. 

Today I had a rough day… I tried my best to work, but all I could think about is what she told me. It hurts me to know she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, so it seems but I honestly cannot even spend time worrying about that. My first concern is my kids. 

I come home early today and she was once again flustered and having a rough time with the kids. Tonight I basically told her I could handle the kids for as long as she needs to leave and sort things out. She seemed shocked or surprised I would even offer that and said no and that she would feel guilty and where would she go, etc. I told her she could go away for a week, a week, a month… whatever it takes for her to sort things out and what she wants. I am strong enough to be able to give these kids a normal home (missing their mom, though), and don’t want this trend to continue. 

I could really use some advice. Am I out of my mind to basically tell her we should separate right now and give her that freedom immediately? Or should I be forcing her to face what is bothering her, whether it be emotionally or physically? 

I don’t know what will happen this weekend…


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First off I was a single father for some time before I met my 2nd and current wife. Being a single parent with sole custody can be hard yet rewarding. Most of all it can be done.

That said I know you don't want a divorce. So here are a few things to try. First get a job where you can watch the kids most of the time. Have her go back to work and reverse roles. You will do most of the household stuff and she earns most of the money.

As for today, tell her that you will allow her to seperate and in a month she can tell you what she really wants. In that time neither of you should be sexual with anyone else. Let her decide now what she wants.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you are able to, then send her away for a weekend on her own. And if that works, then try longer. She needs a safety valve! The other thing you could do, but only if she won't feel swamped, is get a baby sitter, and go away with her.

She will resist either offer, because she feels responsible, and that she just has to druge on. But she needs to re-charge her batteries.

Her response to your son is very normal. A lot of women go on anti-depressants for this which I feel is a great shame. Drugs of this sort alter who we are, and that is a pity.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I have a 4 year old son and a 1.5 year old daughter. It blows me away to hear how a mother no longer wants their kids. My wife and I love our kids so much. And yes a 4 year old can be difficult!!!

That being said it is very big of you to offer this to your wife. Just the offer lets her start acknowledging what it might mean to leave her kids and you. With her just thinking of leaving and how "difficult" life is with you and the kids she probably hasnt even ever thought of the consequences of life without you two. 

I would actually use reverse psychology and keep pushing for her to leave "if that is what she wants". Now do it in a gentle loving way. Tell her you want what is best for her. Tell her you will take care of the kids. Show your love for your kids openly in front of her. She needs to realize what her role in life is. Perhaps she will actually take up the offer. Dont beg her to stay. If she doesnt realize while she is away what she is missing then you know what you have here: a heartless women who can walk away from her kids.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think so far you have done many right things.
and i know that you can do no more - it really is her call .
my brother split from his missus a year ago , i am not lying , but even though the 3 children are my brothers and hers . she cannot stand them. she does want her freedom, she has met a new bloke that hates kids and she tells her kids (my brothers) that she cant stand them to their face.
i think its apalling , its so emotional and the children dont cope .
they have already been through so much from the split. when my bro spoke today, he obviously voices his concerns. 
but he speaks about when they are older, atleast then they have the choice if they want to live with him.
when i was younger i went to live with my dad ( 13 yrs old) i just couldnt get on with my mum. i stayed until i was 21.
im now 35 and i havent spoke to my dad in 10 years nearly and im good friends with my mother.
im just trying to say, i think your doing wonderful , put your kids first as your doing. 
im also saying that alot of relationships between parents and children are not so dis similar to your own. you are not on your own.


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## FlyingAway (Aug 16, 2008)

Thank you for your advice.

It's been about a week and some things have changed. We are still living together, with her turning down my offer for her to take some time away.

We've had a number of heart-to-heart discussions and aired out a lot of concerns and issues in our relationship. The most important being her temper and anger-management issues especially toward our son. She is trying to better see his fun/good side and not stressing out or getting angry at the various things that any 4 year old will do for attention and to test his boundaries. I've seen an improvement, so I feel we might be on the right path. She also agreed to professional help if she can't get this under control on her own.

Something else came up recently. She has seemed more and more "attached" to a male coworker (in my eyes/ears at least) and I asked her about it. I think it did make her angry that I asked about it and now she says I'm just being jealous and I don't need to worry. Not much else I can do at this point on that front I guess. I told her I have no problem with her having male friends and I expect it considering she is in business that is male-dominated. What I don't like is if she is discussing our personal and private matters (i.e. marriage problems) with him.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well atleast your communicating. thats an important start.
and atleast she looking at some of her issues.
i dont think you can ask for more than that at this stage.
unfortunately she wil discuss things with other ppl, because its an outlet and its away from family life.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

This was shocking when i first realized it, but there are mothers out there that are not good mothers and don't care to be.
A close friend of mine has a daughter with this woman that is hecka mean to their daughter. I first noticed it when she was like 3 or 4 was visiting my friend, with another mutual friend while he was home alone taking care of their child. Our friends lady got their from work and so we decided to leave, to give them some private time. She said hi and excused herself to the room, the daughter followed her into the room and someone closed the door behind them. While we were in the doorway putting on our shoes we both (me and the mutual friend) saw our friends lady open the door to the room they were in and slam the little girl on her but on the floor making the little girl cry. We just said later to our friend, still siting in the living room, and walked to where our cars were parked all quit in shock till we got to our cars, then we both expressed our shock at what we had just noticed.
Later I talked about this with that friend with the daughter and he just said, omg you saw that and broke down about it, telling me the kind of behavior his lady exhibits toward their daughter.

My ex-wife went through postpartum depression, given the fact that your youngest it a year old, could this be adding to her attitude and stress?

I half agree with *draconis* in that you should find some line of work that makes it so you can be with your kids it possible and take over as Mom but be careful with the Wife bringing in more money thing though. You see, she will be stressed out working all day, especially if she was a stay at home Mom for years. Add to this the making more money than your husband also sometime causes problems, with that cockiness and attitude that comes with bringing in more money.

If she's not being Mom and you are, then it would only be fair and logical for her to bring home the bacon so to speak, but fairness and logic may not help you much when dealing with a person obviously having issues.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

It's shocking when mom's can walk away from their kids. Look at that nut job in Florida. A total sociopath. Most mom's have that connection to their kids that is as strong as any connection to a human being you will see. When it's not there I would suspect a major character flaw.


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## FlyingAway (Aug 16, 2008)

I haven't yet figured out if she truly doesn't like being in the role of "Mom". There are times I see her enjoying it, but as I said in the original post she lately had been more and more on the other side of the fence with anger being the more prominent emotion. I suspect it might be coming down to her being jealous at times that she sees some of her other female friends with so much freedom (kid-less) and she realizes she can't just disappear for a weekend to go kayaking or hiking, etc. 

The thing is, I give her plenty of personal time to go to dinners with girl friends or do something in the evening without the kids. I don't want to be a jerk about it, but if she expects more than that she has to realize the kids should come first. 

I still have concerns about the coworker relationship. We had an open talk about on Tuesday. She talks alot in her sleep, always has, but I have heard her saying HIS name at night, etc. which added to my concern. She got mad at me and said I shouldn't take what she dreams about as being reality and she doesn't even remember her dreams. Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel comfortable with her opening up to and airing her relationship problems with a male coworker she sees every day. Some of it probably is the opposite sex part of it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If she was just withdrawing from you I would suspect an emotional or physical affair. Since she is withdrawn from the kids also it could be something else. Stress, depression…? Talking in her sleep shouldn’t worry you too much, no one has control over that. Are you actively working on improving your relationship as a couple? Spending time together, dates, communicating? Also does her communication with the co-working stay at the office or does it spill over into personal time?


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## FlyingAway (Aug 16, 2008)

Yes, my concern has been more in terms of an emotional affair at the workplace. If you find someone always there to talk to and start to open up to him about everything personal I see that as a problem. She has told me she will be more aware of what she is talking to him about which kind of tipped me off that prior to my confrontation on this issue she probably has been pretty open to him about everything. She even told me that he is in a relationship that has problems and he had a past affair that he is having to work on healing from with his wife. Something as personal and private as that doesn't come up casually! 

We have been connecting pretty well this week. A couple days of good talks and have been physically intimate. We've kept the TV off and talked more, etc. 

Up to this point her friendship with the coworker has been during work hours only.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Yeah, no you do need to make sure that this "relationship" with this guy co-worker stays at work.

There is nothing you can do to keep the wolves from approaching your woman. This is the curse of being with an attractive woman and that's just what guys will do. 

You will never sleep sound again if you think about all the different guys that are going to hit up on your Wife in your life together. You can't kill them all, can't keep her in a protective bubble either. This is something that is completely up to her. 

Trust me, I'm married to a beautiful, young, friendly/flirtatious by nature woman and she works in a small office with like 95% guys. This almost killed me when I first saw how the guys at her work where circling her when she first started working there. Buying her coffee and pastries without her asking, hanging around her desk loitering. This one guy in particular, was this close from getting dealt with, I swear. 
I had rules of conduct that I expressed to her as being important, no, critical to me and our relationship together. 
Not dressing too smutty, no guy friends EVER, no lunches with the guys unless it's a big group/company thing, no exchanging phone number with guys for any reason, no riding alone with any guy in their or her car, etc. 
Some truly paranoid, controlling type stuff that I felt justified in expecting given my Wife's history with cheating. 

She fought a bit from time to time but I never caved and became an expert at making her miserable for testing those boundaries. 
Throughout these couple of years that have passed since her first starting work there, things have gone the way I needed them to for the most part
We have a pretty good home life, lots of love and I'm fair to a fault, that's why she has agreed to live under these rules for this many years.
In the long run, getting her to recognize what is poisonous to your relationship’s happiness and avoiding those things was the idea.
Her efforts in keeping me happy are rewarded with me caring to make her happy and that she perceives as trust, not asking too many questions.
I’ve learned that to a certain degree it's best to just let go and trust that she will do the right thing, because if it's going to happen it's going to happen no matter what you try and do about it. I still always keep a close eye on all that goes on in her work world and I’m quick to step in and squash anything that I don’t approve of. Although the more time passes the less of this kind of stuff I’ve had to deal with. 
The more she respects the boundaries the more I relax and the less I’m on her back the more she does the right thing on her own. She can still stray one day, there are no guaranties, but she has something good in our relationship that she doesn’t want to loose and knows what will loose that for her.
No matter what your strategy in dealing with these pitfalls of life, the key is communication and love.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

CF ~ It is one thing to set boundries it is another to tell a person how to live their life and after reading your post I can't figure out which you are saying you did.

draconis


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*draconis* I was talking about setting boundaries, and just hope that she agrees with the rules. No one can successfully make anyone do anything that they don't want to do. I do practice conditioning using a reward and punishment system on actions and behavior.
This is a more long term endeavor that has shown some promising results. She is aloud to set rules for me and I follow them, as long as she has a logical argument, I think that's key to 
The trick I think is getting that person to want to do it on their own though. 

No, actually we are doing good right now, though I don't know if things have actually gotten better or I just plain don't care a little more with each time she tests those boundaries. 
The not caring, the disconnect, seems to have actually helped to achieve the level of attention my Wife shows toward maintaining the piece and integrity of our relationship. 
It has even helped with the sex (lack there of) issue, but I had to stress so much for so long, I find myself actually not caring for real now. That's poison to our relationship as well but I can do nothing but embrace it and use it to my advantage because it protects me from getting hurt, when the unavoidable happens.

Heck just today, as I praise her, my Wife out of no where starts playing games. Doing something that she knows usually upsets me, hoping to get a rise out of me but I won't bite. 
I gotta play it cool and let her keep thinking she ain't getting to me, till she get tired of trying and moves on. Then, when the smoke clears and her guard is down, it's my turn. 
As sick as it may sound I think I'm developing a taste for it, but a battle ground makes for a harsh environment for love to grow and flourish.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your right it does sound sick. I went the road of communication, love and trust. I am never let down. I almost feel sorry for you.

draconis


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