# Need some objective opinions



## GoingCrazyAfter9 (Apr 15, 2012)

Hello all! This is my first post here, and I'd like some outside perspective on my situation. I have been with my husband for nine years. He was the first person I dated after my divorce from my exhusband, and we had been friends for years before that. When we first started dating, I was still fragile from my divorce and H took care of me as I went through a very difficult time. He eventually moved in, and that's when a lot of things changed. For instance, I found out he has a serious computer addiction. We're talking five or six hours of playing computer games and posting on forums each night, then getting up around nine in the morning on weekends and playing until ten or eleven at night.

I always knew he was a hoarder, but figured that since he was moving into my adorable little house, he would have to get rid of a lot of his stuff. And he has actually gotten better about this, but still has the compulsion to go out and shop for anything it's ever occurred to him to want, ever, every weekend. We have also gotten that partially under control. However, he does dishes maybe once or twice a week, does a load of laundry once or twice a week (usually his stuff unless I separate out items that I need), and mows the lawn maybe every two weeks. A lot of the housework falls on me, because it just doesn't occur to him to do it unless I bother him to do it. I work full-time, and recently finished four years when I was working full-time, going to school full-time, and owning my own business. The whole time, he was nonchalantly playing computer games. Although he has a college degree, he took a clerical job at a state office because it's two minutes from our home. I am the breadwinner of the family, which is fine, but he has no intention of ever helping us to get ahead or do anything beyond living paycheck to paycheck, although he's often encouraged me to take higher stress jobs that pay more that he himself is unwilling to take. 

I also should mention that he decided to work four days a week, ten hour days, and take Wednesdays off so he, and I quote "never has to work more than two days in a row again." His sheer laziness is staggering, and he will happily admit that he is the laziest person he's ever known.

When we first dated, our sex life was amazing. I was 26 at the time. I'm now 35, and if we have sex more than once every two or three months, it's a miracle. I always have to instigate it, and there has to be a huge ordeal made out of the whole thing to get him interested at all (movies, toys, all kinds of stuff). We once went for nine months without sex, and he really didn't seem to care. When I spend time making myself look good before we go out, I have to ask him if I look cute, and he'll tell me I look "fine." I'd like to mention that when I do go somewhere, I do still get attention from members of the opposite sex, so it's not like I've let myself go.

He also is a afraid to fly, and is unwilling to get help for that even though one of my biggest dreams is to travel. He hates any food with spices beyond salt, pepper, garlic salt, and sesame oil, and will pretty much only eat meat and bread. So there goes the fact that I'm a total foodie.... and that he always has to pick the restaurants where we go, even when we are in a group of friends. Our friends have to ask me where he will eat so we can make plans. Once we've eaten, he just wants to go home and does not want to socialize in any way. This would be fine, except he also doesn't want people at our house and wants me to be home all the time. Not to spend time with me, but just so I'm home in case he decides he wants to do something.

He pouts when I'm going to be out for the evening. He pouts if our friends want to go somewhere he doesn't want to go (which is anywhere, frankly). He pouts if I travel to see my mother overnight. We've done counseling, and he told the counselor he doesn't understand why he should have to do anything I want to do that he doesn't want to, even if he does love me. The counselor was shocked he had that outlook, but I wasn't very surprised. He can very easily empathize with people he doesn't know, on the news, or about friends, but will shut down with any empathy towards me and admits to doing it. 

His mother has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and from what I can see, it runs wild in his family. They are all hoarders with many mental and personality disorders, and all of them seem to revel in it rather than try to get it fixed. Instead of trying to communicate to solve problems, they walk away and try to forget the problem exists. They all have obsessive compulsive disorders about various things, whether it's shopping or collecting, or computers. 

After all of this, I'd like to mention that he really does love me. He makes me laugh hysterically and we get along very well most of the time. But this past Friday I had another of my several-hour meltdowns I have a few times a year when the stress of dealing with my marriage becomes too much for me. He was happy because two of my best friends happened to be here and could walk me through it so I didn't start getting "mean" with him. That would be when I tell him that what he does drives me nuts. 

It's been nine years. I don't want to go through another divorce. This will be my second one (the first husband ended up being a raging alcoholic who wanted to have girlfriends on the side, and have me be ok with it.) There is no one else I want to be with. I really just want to be left alone and have the freedom to come and go as I please with no one else here to trash the house and tell me what I can and can't do. What do you guys think? Is it time to call this quits?


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

I feel for you and your frustration. Marriage is work enough when both people want it and commit to it; it's nearly impossible when only one puts in the effort.
While 9 years is significant, you have many more years than that left in your life that you deserve to enjoy. If you've tried counseling and are confident that both of you gave it your best, then it seems your answer is pretty clear. Of course, I know there are so many other dynamics in a marriage that an online post can't explain, so my opinion is based only on the info you provided. However, if you made a simple list of pros vs. cons of both staying and leaving, which list would be longer? Sometimes seeing things in black and white (writing) helps me to clarify it in my own mind.
Good luck to you and please continue to take care of yourself.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would suggest a separation. Really you have to teach him how to cope. I think he would change if you wouldnt be doing everything for him. He has to change his job for a start. How do you force this through. Only if he sees he really needs to. By you providing everything he certainly doesnt. 
About your friends etc and his social life i think you cant change that. You have to agree to live with it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This is one of those rare times when I think an experimental separation might be a good thing.


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## prisoner84 (Apr 18, 2012)

I think you're leaning on the 9 years a little too hard. There seems to be many more cons than pros in this relationship for you. I think you know that things will not get better and you will not be ok staying this situation. I think you should move on and find happiness before it's too late.


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## GoingCrazyAfter9 (Apr 15, 2012)

I appreciate the viewpoints you've all shared. I had a conversation with H on Sunday evening after I posted this and told him that I'm not happy and that we've been having the same conversation about it for the past nine years, and that if it hasn't changed long-term yet, it's not very likely too. He told me he forgot that I need to have affection shown to me rather than him "just being happy in his head." He wants to try one more time, so I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if it changes. I just can't get over the feeling that it won't, which I think means I REALLY don't think it will.


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## GoingCrazyAfter9 (Apr 15, 2012)

So in case anyone is wondering, I thought I'd update. This past Friday night I went to dinner with two of my girlfriends. I drank the allowed amount of beer, and we all decided to come back to my house to keep talking. We stopped at a liquor store and got two bottles of wine and came home. H absolutely FLIPPED OUT. He started yelling at my friends that they're enablers (although one friend barely drinks at all, I see her a few times a year, and I've never been drunk around her even ONCE, much less come home drunk from being out with her). He said all kinds of terrible things to them, and said he was leaving while they were here. I told him he was welcome to leave, and the three of us came to the computer room to watch some old episodes of a funny show.

My friends are awesome for putting up with this kind of behavior, and they told him that he was being completely out of line, that I wasn't drunk, and that he needed to leave me, and them, alone.

I finally told him I was done, and want a divorce. I told him I shouldn't hate to come home, and that the one time I get to see my friends each week shouldn't be the only happy point of my week. The conversation continued until the next morning, and I just lost it and wanted to get away from everyone and everything involved in the situation so I left and went to visit some other friends who didn't know what was going on. I ended up staying out all night after falling asleep on a friend's couch. I came home the next morning and apologized for worrying him, and he was making me breakfast. I was too upset to eat for almost three days, and of course he magically turned into The Perfect Husband as he always does when I've been really upset or sick. His sister did something unexpected and posted what was going on in a barely-hidden way on my FB wall, so then everyone we know started freaking out. So I ended up agreeing to go to counseling a few times.

We've already done counseling before, and it didn't work beyond getting him to clean up around the house sometimes. I know in my heart I'm really not giving this marriage a try and that I don't expect to be married at the end of this, but I feel like I owe him at least the appearance of trying to make our marriage work for a few weeks. He's said he's going to start doing the activities I want to do because doing them will still be better than losing me. I told him I don't want him doing things with me because he's afraid I'll leave if I don't, but that I want him to enjoy our activities and want to do what we do. He doesn't understand that reasoning.

Now he's starting to make plans for vacations we'll take in the far future, and I"m putting them off. I know he figures that if he keeps making plans that we'll stay together because WE HAVE PLANS. What do you guys think? Is it unfair of me to tell him I'll try counseling even though I know it's not going to work? Or should I go ahead and do it to give him a little more peace of mind that I made an attempt?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Is it unfair of me to tell him I'll try counseling even though I know it's not going to work?


 Yes, but more importantly it's UNFAIR TO YOU!!!!! Why are you SO CONCERNED about how upset hubby is? He hasn't given a rat's arse about growing up, working on your marriage, compromising with you AT ALL in NINE (9) YEARS!

He only cares NOW because he knows divorce is imminent. He only cares NOW because he knows he will have to take care of himself. He only cares NOW because NOW he is going to be uncomfortable and miserable and unhappy and not able to spend all the time he WANTS being a self-indulgent, lazy, immature child. Boo-freakin'-hoo...

You are currently 35 year old. You have at least 40 more years of living to do; do you want to spend the next 40 years with hubby? Always putting off what YOU want to do because he 'doesn't like it' or 'doesn't want to' or 'finds it boring'?? Oh, and btw, you can't do it ALONE either, because he won't like it. 

I understand the 'not wanting to be divorced twice' thing, I really do. I had to admit that I would be a "two-time loser," but then I decided that THAT was a really unfair label. As long as I'm learning from my mistakes (and my GOOD choices), that is growth and maturity.


> I drank the allowed amount of beer


 I found this very odd...'allowed' by whom? Hubby? The law? 

The way he treated you and your friends is abominable, but apparently any time you're not home alone, he's abominable to everybody (whining, complaining, pouting.) 

Forget the MC. Forget the separation. Start THIS WEEK to get away from this man and, since you don't have children, NEVER see him again. Please get into IC so you can see and own your past mistakes and make healthier choices in the future!!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The guy's got too many issues. Laziness? Hoarding? Computer addictions? How attractive. You, my dear OP are far too young to be putting up with this.


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## GoingCrazyAfter9 (Apr 15, 2012)

I know this sounds bad, but it's really nice to see someone who gets angry on my account from a third party point of view!

We agreed a few years ago that I can drink three beers when I go out so I don't get drunk. We also figured out that if I was out for two and a half hours while drinking those three beers, that was a reasonable amount of time. No worries about driving drunk, etc. Sometimes I'll break the agreement if I'm not the one driving, but there always ends up being a fight if I do. So I try not to.

While I was typing the last response, he was out buying me all this stuff, because he always kisses up by buying all kinds of food even though he knows I probably won't eat it. Cheesecakes, cookies, etc. argh.

The odd thing is, he was in the military for ten years. He saw combat. He had to take care of himself at least a LITTLE bit during that time, I would assume. But the day before our wedding I found out his parents paid his best friend $100 to clean out his bedroom the day after he left for boot camp! 

I have to go at least a few times to the couples counseling because I told him I would. I really do still love him and respect him, but I don't want to drag this on for either of us, really. The thought of being free makes me almost too giddy. Like, shouldn't I regret this more???


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## GoingCrazyAfter9 (Apr 15, 2012)

It also occurs to me that after reading my post, I sound like the classic psychologically abused wife who thinks she deserves this kind of treatment.... which I don't!!! I don't deserve to be treated this way. It's just hard to hurt someone that you consider a terrible husband but a good friend.


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