# Is This a Red Flag or Am I Overreacting



## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

I've been dating a guy for about six weeks. So far, it's been wonderful. We're highly compatible and very attracted to each other. He's been nothing but courteous, thoughtful, and respectful in every way. I wouldn't say I'm head over heels for him (it's way too soon for that), but I really, really like him and I feel like there's true potential. He tells me all the time how "into" me he is.

But tonight something happened totally out of the blue that absolutely floored me. He told me that he needed to be honest with me...that he had a fishing trip to Colorado planned for July with an ex girlfriend who he hadn't seen in 20 years. He had made plans with her months ago. But...he tells me...he has no romantic interest in her and he just wanted to be up front. I was stunned. I told him that he needed to make his own decision about the trip, but that, in all honesty, him spending a week in a condo with an ex girlfriend (despite his assurances that nothing would happen) wouldn't sit well with me and I couldn't guarantee that I would be around when he came back. So, when he hears that, he suddenly backpedals and says he'll cancel the trip. What bothered me the most is, why would he even consider going on a trip with an ex when he's starting a new relationship (and yes, we've slept together and discussed our desire to be in a monogamous relationship) and he claims he's so into me? And why put it on me to be the bad guy and make a decision about whether he should go? It seemed like he was asking for my permission.

The whole thing triggered some very bad feelings and stirred up some major trust issues that I've been working on since breaking up with my ex several months ago. I became physically agitated and upset and told him I needed to leave. He actually blocked my way and begged me to stay...telling me how important I am to him and how badly he wants things to work. He was visibly upset. But all I wanted to do was run away...fast! I told him I needed to go home and have some time to think. I explained that I spent years in a relationship where I was accused of being untrusting and suspicious, but that my ex never did anything to demonstrate that he was trustworthy and, in fact, did a lot of things to make me NOT trust him. I also told him that I didn't like the person I was when I felt insecure and suspicious and that I NEVER want to be put in a position again where I am cast as the "bad guy".

To me this is a huge red flag, and I've foolishly overlooked red flags in the past. A few years ago, I would have explained his behavior away, convincing myself that he was just worried about backing out on plans that he felt obligated to follow through with. Now, my gut instinct is to bolt. 

Am I overreacting? He was clearly upset that he might have driven me away. Should I give this guy another chance or should I trust my gut? I think his behavior is really bizarre. So confused!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I personally think you are overreacting a bit and putting some of your past trust issues onto this new potential man and you may ruin what could otherwise be a great relationship.

Yes, I agree that it's a little weird that he was planning a trip with an old girlfriend. But they haven't seen each other in 20 years and he planned it months before he even met you. He was upfront with you about it, which shows he is actually desiring to be honest and trustworthy (even though you seem to be taking it the opposite way) and he offered to cancel the moment you seemed upset. He obviously cares more about you in six weeks than he does about seeing his old girlfriend. That's a good thing!

You can't expect someone you've been seeing for six weeks to completely rearrange their life and plans immediately upon meeting you. He had these plans already, before he was in a relationship, he told you about them and agreed to cancel them for the sake of your new relationship. I'd say those are all pretty good signs that he really cares about you and wants to make this work. He sounds like a pretty good guy to me!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

*Re: Is This a Red Flag or Am I Overreacting?*

I think it is a red flag. If he was "Into" you, this was something he should have just canceled on his own and never told you. When I was dating my wife, I had a sure thing available to me and declined. She never knew about it and still does not.

Character counts!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Actions speak louder than words. However you feel about it and whatever happpened in your past, the gist of it is that A) he was up front with you about the trip, and B) he cancelled when he realized how upset you were. After knowing you for a mere six weeks.

That sounds like a green flag to me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Yeah, he could have kept that all to himself. Said nothing then disappeared for a week in July on a "business trip". Or even said he was going on a fishing trip with his "brother" or good friend, "Joe", "Bob", or other guy's name. Someone telling the truth isn't trying to hide anything.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

*Re: Is This a Red Flag or Am I Overreacting?*

I wouldn't bolt at only that one thing. Might not even be a red flag. Guys think differently than girls. I had to ask my husband (then new boyfriend) to take down his profile on a dating site. He wasn't using it and didn't think it was a big deal to have it up even when we were exclusive. 

I think it's really good that the guy was upfront with you. Since he told you and it was an ex from so many years ago and the plan was made well before you, he probably didn't think it was a big deal. But he wanted to do the right thing and check with you. Sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing and it backfired on him. He was honest and you punished him for it.

If there are other red flags, then you should pay attention, but I just don't see what you described as being bad, all on its own.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I would be bothered but 6 weeks is not a commitment. This trip was planned long ago. He was honest. He didn't have to tell you about the ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think I have scar on the back of my hand from whacking it on something in the garage that's older than 6 weeks. I am 6 weeks late in getting a 4 wheel alignment for my car. 

I can understand you being worried, even a little clingy but 6 weeks is 6 weeks. There is probably 98% of him that you don't know at this point. I would not be excessively anxious about this because honestly, you really don't know where your relationship is going after 6 weeks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you guys decided you were monogamous and he tells you he wants to go away with an ex-girlfriend for an entire weekend, yeah, I would prob not continue dating him. Cause the thing is, while he told you (commendable) he saw nothing wrong with it.


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## Looking4Solution (Jun 14, 2011)

He was being honest, would you rather he didn't say anything then you found out later? 

The world today is full of damned if you do damned if you don't. No matter what you try it backfires in your face.

Its to early in the relationship to have trust in him but it has to start sometime and this trip would be perfect.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd like to be completely up front with you, too. He intends to nail this girl like he only has one weekend to frame a barn. They may have first made plans "months ago", but obviously the've been regularly communicating. Continuing such a relationship while purporting to be in a monogamous sexual relationship with you was dishonest and disrespectful. Blocking your exit was another display of disrespect. There are more red flags here than at a Chinese Memorial Day celebration.


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

This is so subjective. I don't believe he wants to cheat on you during this trip (as a person who is friends with my ex's and not at ALL into them romantically and I know I would not cheat on my H if I was with them for a weekend or a week or whatever), and I do feel you over-reacted a bit. But for some people it's just an absolute NO in tolerance for what he wants to do. I consider that having trust issues. Other people disagree with me on this. So I guess it's just a subjective preference thing. I'm sorry that's not a very clear cut answer. You're right to be upset and he's right to want to be trusted. Maybe you're not compatible in this sense, I'm sure you can find a way to work it out though.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

I agree with unbelievable. If he goes, he intends to have some sort of sex with the girl. Fishing trips are intimate. There is a lot of alone time and tons of time to bond and talk. Thats why fathers take their kids on these. Its a chance to spend some real quality time together. Your not going to take an ex on one and not screw. 

The question is, do you have a problem with that? If you do, then he isn't the right guy for you. If you don't, then you may have a future together. 

Either way, what do you intend to do while he is away? Sulk and worry, or date and have fun yourself? Personally I would do the second. Then compare notes with him on which of you got laid more. 

When your dealing with cheating, you have two ways to cope. Either Whine and have a pity party in the dark, while your significant other has fantastic sex, or you can get up, dust yourself off and go out and have fun too. 

I chose the second and I never regretted it.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If he intended to cheat, why say anything about xgf? A cheater is generally a liar and a covert operator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And BTW, you don't give up old friends for a six week old relationship. Sex is not a ring. If sex is a commitment to the op, better wait until marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

DrWife said:


> This is so subjective. I don't believe he wants to cheat on you during this trip (as a person who is friends with my ex's and not at ALL into them romantically and I know I would not cheat on my H if I was with them for a weekend or a week or whatever), and I do feel you over-reacted a bit. But for some people it's just an absolute NO in tolerance for what he wants to do. I consider that having trust issues. Other people disagree with me on this. So I guess it's just a subjective preference thing. I'm sorry that's not a very clear cut answer. You're right to be upset and he's right to want to be trusted. Maybe you're not compatible in this sense, I'm sure you can find a way to work it out though.


 It might be possible for a woman to trot off to the woods with one of her ex's without the slightest expectation of sex. The person in question is a guy. I'm a pretty fairly typical guy and if I invite a woman to a cabin for a weekend alone, I plan on having sex. If I just wanted to fish, I'd invite one of my kids or another guy.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Ok Mr typical guy, would you tell your GF about the ex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh I thought you said an annual fishing trip with a buddy he's know for 20 years. I saw that movie. But you know, my wife and disagree on one thing. I think Jake Gyllenhaal was murdered, my wife thinks he was killed in the 'tire changing accident'.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Ok Mr typical guy, would you tell your GF about the ex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't tell a woman I'd known only 6 weeks. I'd also not be planning monogamous relationships with her, either. I'd tell her I would be gone fishing and out of touch for a few days. Because I'm just considerate that way, I'd bring her back some trout.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Ok Mr typical guy, would you tell your GF about the ex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought that part was a little odd too. Before I typed my comment earlier, I actually stopped and stared at the post for a moment to consider it. Why tell a 6 week GF that your going to be alone on a fishing trip with an Ex. 

I have a thought. It seems like a boundaries test to me. Like he is a player and wants to see just how much he can get away with in the relationship. 

The whole situation is full of potential problems. very young relationship. 6 weeks really isn't enough time to truly know him. Not enough time to demand exclusively.

I don't know. Personally his behavior is what I consider a major red flag. It shows bad decision making skills on his part and it tells me he will be the cause of a lot of problems in the future. If he were my "girlfriend", in other words, If I was dating him, I would place him in "Casual Dating" and continue dating other people until I could figure out what his game, or malfunction is. 

I just see trouble


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> It might be possible for a woman to trot off to the woods with one of her ex's without the slightest expectation of sex. The person in question is a guy. I'm a pretty fairly typical guy and if I invite a woman to a cabin for a weekend alone, I plan on having sex. If I just wanted to fish, I'd invite one of my kids or another guy.


As a woman, if I have a planned on a weekend *alone * together in a cabin with a man, I would def think something romantic was going down, or that sex may be happening. 

If the plan is being alone with a man all weekend somewhere secluded... um, yeah. Plus, those two have a history.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I'd like to be completely up front with you, too. He intends to nail this girl like he only has one weekend to frame a barn. They may have first made plans "months ago", but obviously the've been regularly communicating. Continuing such a relationship while purporting to be in a monogamous sexual relationship with you was dishonest and disrespectful. Blocking your exit was another display of disrespect. There are more red flags here than at a Chinese Memorial Day celebration.


:iagree: And that last part made me laugh. 

If they planned this awhile ago, they def have stayed in contact. IMO, people don't plan weekends *alone* with their exes in cabins unless something is going down.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Let's put it this way. When he made plans for the trip "months ago", he was already starting to shop for condoms. He WAS looking to get laid. Has that changed? Maybe. 

Also, if he goes (and if he decides to go now, it's a HUGE red flag), you'd better make sure the ex knows he's taken.

OK, give him the benefit of the doubt that he's an idiot. But he came to you with the intention of still going. IF he even came to you at all, it should have been to tell you about cancelling it because you guys are going so well.

Heck, he should have cancelled it without telling you. So you've got a choice:

1 - He's more clueless about women than MrK, or
2 - Looking for a green light for a good time.

Who the heck goes fishing for a week with an old chick just to fish?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I bet YOU......

If you told him (in a nice way) that even though you were uneasy about it, he could go as planned..... He'd cancel.
Bet ya cup of coffee.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Undertheradar said:


> I bet YOU......
> 
> If you told him (in a nice way) that even though you were uneasy about it, he could go as planned..... He'd cancel.
> Bet ya cup of coffee.


Perfect plan.

And if he goes, you leave while he's away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> I bet YOU......
> 
> If you told him (in a nice way) that even though you were uneasy about it, he could go as planned..... He'd cancel.
> Bet ya cup of coffee.


I'm curious--why are you so sure he'd cancel?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You guys have only been dating six weeks and this is an ex girlfriend of 20 years in the past. I think you're overreacting. She might as well be a dude at this point. 20 years is lifetime ago.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you doubt millions of years of male evolution and want more evidence, just tell him, "great! I'm coming, too!" Watch the back pedaling begin.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I'd like to be completely up front with you, too. He intends to nail this girl like he only has one weekend to frame a barn. They may have first made plans "months ago", but obviously the've been regularly communicating. Continuing such a relationship while purporting to be in a monogamous sexual relationship with you was dishonest and disrespectful. Blocking your exit was another display of disrespect. There are more red flags here than at a Chinese Memorial Day celebration.


DING, DING, DING, DING, DING!! 

A week alone with an ex and he says nothing is going to happen? Riiiiight.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

sinnister said:


> You guys have only been dating six weeks and this is an ex girlfriend of 20 years in the past. I think you're overreacting. She might as well be a dude at this point. 20 years is lifetime ago.


Do you have ANY idea how many people hook up with their ex's via Facebook from 20 years ago?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

None of this is the point whether they go away together and nude fly fish. The point is, how crucial is it to this relationship. I am decidedly in the minority here I am told when I state unequivocally that cheating is a bright red line for me. So obviously many of you are willing to throw another try when your own marriages crash and burn because of infidelity. And yet you're screaming that it's a disaster if this fellow hooks up with an old flame from 20 years ago when his current relationship is barely a month and a half old and, if we believe if, these plans were in the works before OP even knew the guy. 

And they call me a stern methodical bastard?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He was planning something for the fishing trip, and was testing the waters with you.

Personally, if i were you, I'd have invited myself along for the trip to see if he sweats when miss fishing gear 1981 shows up not expecting it to be a trio.

Could be hilarious!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

sinnister said:


> You guys have only been dating six weeks and this is an ex girlfriend of 20 years in the past. I think you're overreacting. She might as well be a dude at this point. 20 years is lifetime ago.


When I was single, the only women I considered "just like dudes" were also the same ones I wouldn't take across the street. This is his former girlfriend and if he didn't still find her interesting, why has he been spending months talking to her and planning solo trips with her?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can see why you would be bothered by it, but I also think that his honesty in telling you about it and his immediate offer to cancel when you showed signs of being bothered shows that he likely has good intentions. As someone else said, if he wanted to cheat, he'd be leaving on a "business trip" or fishing with his buddy Bob, and you'd never know the truth. 

I won't deny that there could be a possibility of him hooking up with her. And that may be his intention, and he's trying to look good for you. Or it could be something that just happens with no planning. And then again, it could be totally innocent, and he's just going fishing with her and that's it, nothing more, nothing less.

I think, to me, this is not so much about whether what he is doing is right or wrong, but whether or not you can live with it. You have 2 choices: trust him and let him go and hope that your trust isn't misplaced, or don't trust him and tell him he can't go. If you go with the 2nd option, he'll either go anyway which will make your trust issues worse whether he cheats or not, or he won't go and could possibly resent you for "making" him stay home and then the relationship fails anyway. If you go with the first option, then either he does nothing wrong and your relationship flourishes, or he cheats and the relationship ends. You have to decide which of the potential outcomes is worst, and which of the 2 options gives you the best shot at the best potential outcome.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think the two of you should sit down and discuss if you are in a monogamous relationship. If both of you agree that you are, in deed, in a monogamous relationship, then the fishing trip should be canceled. In addition, he should have no further contact with the ex girlfriend. If he's willing to do that, I see no red flag.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Myo,
He was boundary testing you. Now he knows your boundaries. I have been happily married to a boundary pushing spouse for 20+ years. 

Your issue with your ex was completely different. Completely. 

HE would violate your boundaries and then attack you for protesting. This guy is completely different. He tested you. You beat him senseless. LMAO. He deserved it. He KNEW he deserved it so he begged forgiveness. Time to let him make up. That said, if you use this to keep hammering him - and he has a spine - he will go away. You have made your point. If he ever does this again - THEN you end it. If not, drop the topic and see how this evolves. 





Myopia1964 said:


> I've been dating a guy for about six weeks. So far, it's been wonderful. We're highly compatible and very attracted to each other. He's been nothing but courteous, thoughtful, and respectful in every way. I wouldn't say I'm head over heels for him (it's way too soon for that), but I really, really like him and I feel like there's true potential. He tells me all the time how "into" me he is.
> 
> But tonight something happened totally out of the blue that absolutely floored me. He told me that he needed to be honest with me...that he had a fishing trip to Colorado planned for July with an ex girlfriend who he hadn't seen in 20 years. He had made plans with her months ago. But...he tells me...he has no romantic interest in her and he just wanted to be up front. I was stunned. I told him that he needed to make his own decision about the trip, but that, in all honesty, him spending a week in a condo with an ex girlfriend (despite his assurances that nothing would happen) wouldn't sit well with me and I couldn't guarantee that I would be around when he came back. So, when he hears that, he suddenly backpedals and says he'll cancel the trip. What bothered me the most is, why would he even consider going on a trip with an ex when he's starting a new relationship (and yes, we've slept together and discussed our desire to be in a monogamous relationship) and he claims he's so into me? And why put it on me to be the bad guy and make a decision about whether he should go? It seemed like he was asking for my permission.
> 
> ...


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> HE would violate your boundaries and then attack you for protesting. This guy is completely different. He tested you. You beat him senseless. LMAO. He deserved it. He KNEW he deserved it so he begged forgiveness. Time to let him make up. That said, if you use this to keep hammering him - and he has a spine - he will go away. You have made your point. If he ever does this again - THEN you end it. If not, drop the topic and see how this evolves.


Whoa...hold on there!!! In no way did I beat him senseless! I was never angry with him at all. I was totally calm when we spoke about it. I simply told I didn't understand why he didn't just cancel the trip and never mention it to me at all. What I thought was strange was that he told me about it, waited to see my reaction, and THEN said he'd cancel. I left his house because I suddenly felt the urge to bolt from the relationship which, I'm sure, some of you here can relate to after coming out of a bad break up. You're absolutely right that this guy is very different from my ex, so I shouldn't drag my trust issues from previous relationships into this one. I guess I have some real hesitation about making myself vulnerable again. 

I completely understand that it's a new relationship and I am in NO way clingy or pushy. In fact, I'm the one who's told him I want to take things slowly and I have held back. He's been much more aggressive in pursuing me. We had a talk last weekend and HE told ME he wanted a monogamous, exclusive relationship...I agreed. I guess that's why I was surprised when the whole fishing thing came up.

To those of you who say that it's too early to expect exclusivity in a relationship and that he has the right to go off and bang other women, I respectfully disagree. I have zero desire to get married, but I am not a sexually promiscuous person...I believe in monogamy even in dating, and I think it's reasonable to expect sexual fidelity even in a new relationship. So many of you out there will scream about getting tested for STDs when a spouse cheats. It's no different in a dating situation. I don't want to be exposed that way either. I wouldn't have slept with him if I thought he was going to be with other women.

In any event, he and I spoke today. I was prepared to walk away from the relationship because I felt uncomfortable with his "unresolved issues" with this woman. But he took it upon himself to call her and cancel the trip. I told him he didn't have to do that...it was his decision. He was very upset about the possibility of me walking away, and told me repeatedly "I know a good thing when I see it." I do believe he is a good man who just handled this situation poorly. He has been up front with me about his intentions and he had my daughter and me over last night to meet his daughter...I think he is genuine. I told him I really appreciated his honesty and that he owed me no apology, but that I had worked very diligently at setting boundaries for myself around relationships, which is why I considered cutting loose when I thought he might not have resolved issues with his ex. We worked it all out in a healthy, positive way.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Thanks for all your input! The thing is...I really like this guy and I think he's definitely worth a second chance. He's not a player, he's a responsible, mature man who used poor judgment and I don't fault him for that...I guess I'm just skittish after the last debacle of a relationship that I had. He has been consistently kind, courteous, and honest with me. He told me he'd been struggling with the fishing trip thing for a while and didn't know how to handle it since he'd already agreed to meet this woman. I get that. But he seems genuinely smitten with me and I do believe that he has my best interests at heart and wants to do the right thing.

I think I need to resist the temptation to have one foot out the door in order to run at the first sign of trouble. There's a fine line between boundary setting and complete inflexibility...may take me a while to figure out where that line is!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Myopia,

What MEM is saying is that you passed his boundary test and threw it back into his face hard. You didn't literally beat him senseless, but how he reacted is a clear indication that he knows your boundaries and is embarrassed inside that he even tried this particular test. 

You did good, girl. And now he knows you won't tolerate that kind of sh$t in your relationship.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Myopia,
> 
> What MEM is saying is that you passed his boundary test and threw it back into his face hard. You didn't literally beat him senseless, but how he reacted is a clear indication that he knows your boundaries and is embarrassed inside that he even tried this particular test.
> 
> You did good, girl. And now he knows you won't tolerate that kind of sh$t in your relationship.


Ohhh! I get it. Thanks for clarifying that Alpha. I think you might be right. I did kind of feel like I was being tested. And, you know, this is the first time in my life I've set some firm boundaries with a man in a calm, rational way and seen an immediate and positive response. Hmmm...feels pretty good!

With my ex, I would try to set boundaries, he would throw temper tantrums, and I would give in. This guy actually told me he respected my boundaries and wanted to honor them. Never heard that one before! It's so nice to be with a man who is capable of emotional maturity.

So, in a way, he passed my test too.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't think he has the intention of banging her. As far as his rights, he is not married to you so he has the right to bang someone else. That you would dump his ass if he does it is your right.

He can go on a trip and promise you monogamy if he has no plans of having sex with her. 

But he offered to cancel. And you are still upset. So that means you don't believe him about his intentions. Then break up with him. You think he is a liar and a cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> With my ex, I would try to set boundaries, he would throw temper tantrums, and I would give in. This guy actually told me he respected my boundaries and wanted to honor them. Never heard that one before! It's so nice to be with a man who is capable of emotional maturity.


After dealing with your ex, I am sure that was a huge relief! 



alphaomega said:


> Myopia,
> 
> What MEM is saying is that you passed his boundary test and threw it back into his face hard. You didn't literally beat him senseless, but how he reacted is a clear indication that he knows your boundaries and is embarrassed inside that he even tried this particular test.
> 
> You did good, girl. And now he knows you won't tolerate that kind of sh$t in your relationship.


I agree.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> I don't think he has the intention of banging her. As far as his rights, he is not married to you so he has the right to bang someone else. That you would dump his ass if he does it is your right.
> 
> He can go on a trip and promise you monogamy if he has no plans of having sex with her.
> 
> ...


While I realize that while dating should someone choose to bang someone else isn't breaking vows, while in a monogamous relationship it isn't wrong to expect fidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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