# The different types of affairs



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I've been reading a book I got from the library called "Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair" by Dave Carder. In this book, it talks of 4 different kinds of affairs. I have posted the link to the page reference here Torn Asunder: Recovering from an ... - Google Books from google books. I believe my husband is a mix of a class II and a class III affair. What do you think your spouse is?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

my ex would be a total class 3. without a doubt.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Interesting. Dr Bob Huizenga classifies affairs into 7 types.

#1: My marriage made me do it.
Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: “I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We’ve grown apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened.”

# 2: I Can’t Say No
People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.
Some have many “unconscious” tugs and pulls that lead to an affair. They are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. One’s history, personal development and internal blocks play a role here.

#3: I Don’t Want to Say NO
Some people just don’t want to say no, and they believe they don’t have to say no. The older term of “philanderer” applies. Their relationships are marked by a series of sexual conquests, and that’s what they basically are – nothing more than the thrill of the score.

#4: I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love)
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.” They are determined not to “settle” for a less than ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.

#5: I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
This is the revenge affair. It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.

#6: I Need to Prove My Desirability
Let’s face it: Most of us are on pretty shaky grounds when it comes to our sexuality. Look at the models before us on TV, the big screens and magazines. Geezzz-Louise, how is anyone ever to feel as if they measure up or are desirable? Also, a key in a marriage is the degree to which someone feels wanted. I want to be wanted. After “familiarity” sets into a marriage, self-doubts are easily rekindled. (A key component of “being in love” is the giddy feeling of thinking I am deeply wanted or adored. If one does not understand the stages of marital growth or lacks a core sense of self from which to live, he/she becomes prey to confusion and disenchantment.)

#7: I Want to Be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)
A marriage or relationship of investment is a dance – a dance of joining and distancing. A couple moves close with the purpose of joining and being one and after a fashion moves apart to claim their own space and uniqueness. Usually we choose or are attracted to someone with the same comfort zone in the distance/joining continuum or with a similar capacity for joining and/or distancing. The couple does their dance to balance the pull for joining and the push for individual space and expression. Intimacy is the capacity to talk about and the freedom to move between joining and individual expression. Someone has an affair because ostensibly they say they want to be close to someone. However, a relationship with a third party is NEVER intimate, but may serve the purpose for that person of never having to be intimate with anyone, although someone may feel close. Got this?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

class 2 and 4


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

charts and maps of classes

have some trouble using the word class to destinguish any part of what my W did or why...

but probably a combo of classless 2 & 4.

with Huizinga it's 1 & 4.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> charts and maps of classes
> 
> have some trouble using the word class to destinguish any part of what my W did or why...
> 
> but probably a combo of classless 2 & 4.


LOL @ classlesss. Yes, I do like that term better myself.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

My H is "1". The frequency would place him into "3" (10 times with 8 different women in terms of inercourse over a period of 12 years, additional inappropriate actions with other random women when drunk). But from all the other criteria in the book, he would not fit the description of an 'addict', as he never actively sought those situations and was immediately remorseful (I know because he confessed the first three times pretty quickly, but hid the rest from me until recently).

Still am trying to come to terms with this, what this means for our marriage and what to do to make sure it does not happen again.


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## justkate (May 31, 2011)

my stbxh is cross between 2 and 4. both seem to fit what he has done now and in the past.


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## Dizzle6985 (Jun 17, 2011)

i'm gonna say i fall into number 6


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

In the "classlesses", my wife was #2. In the list above, a 1/4 combo, with maybe a little 6 thrown in.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Huizinga's #1, #4, #6, and #7.
A hodgepodge of mental instability and poor parenting left this woman stunted at an early age. Seeking approval from everyone, yet never allowing it to stick, once granted.

I wonder how many peoples spouses here are between the ages of 35 and 45. It appears this this is a "prime" age range for this kind of mental breakdown.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I wonder how many peoples spouses here are between the ages of 35 and 45. It appears this this is a "prime" age range for this kind of mental breakdown.


I'm 38. stbxW is 35.

since my W's A has come to light (6 months ago) two different buddies that were in my wedding have discovered that thier W's are having an affair (my friends ages are 35 & 32).

I often wonder if it's one of those situations like when you buy a red car, suddenly it appears that every car on the road is red... something you never noticed before... or if the world is indeed going to sh*t and something sinister is happening... lol. Likely the former.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am 34, my ex H is 35 but he was having affairs since he was old enough to date. He knows no boundaries, he has no morals. He is a pathetic man. It took me 15 years to realize this but better late than never, right?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Interesting... I'd say my wife was Huizenga's #6 + #7 
But I'm curious what SHE will say, if we're aligned on the 'why'.
She's 42 now, btw, began her A at 40.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Huizenga classifies the EA as #4, but I think my WWs EA was #6 because she is very vain because she knows she's hot for her age (50). She's constantly saying how people are always complimenting her and shocked when they hear of her real age. That's why she was always on facebook, taking in all the admiration she got on it. So it was easy for her to fall hard for her old HS boyfriend when he first PMd her and told her she looked great.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Huizinga's #1, #4, #6, and #7.
> A hodgepodge of mental instability and poor parenting left this woman stunted at an early age. Seeking approval from everyone, yet never allowing it to stick, once granted.
> 
> I wonder how many peoples spouses here are between the ages of 35 and 45. It appears this this is a "prime" age range for this kind of mental breakdown.


Mine is #6 and she is 38 started EA at 37.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i'd have to say "all" except for no.'s 3 n 4.

No. 7's last sentence, "got this?" is a resounding "NO". not the way u put it, doc! can only "guess" at meaning.

in the mens lavoratory we call it "p*ssing & missing";
which can only lead to more trouble(s). 

_Shama lama ding dong  _.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> ...I think my WWs EA was #6 because she is very vain because she knows she's hot for her age (50). She's constantly saying how people are always complimenting her and shocked when they hear of her real age. That's why she was always on facebook, taking in all the admiration she got on it.


Ditto this... 
...and wife says she was #6 + #2.


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