# Have A Crush



## BingoLake (Jan 23, 2012)

I'm a timid woman and my husband is domineering. He's got unrealistic views and expects me to follow them. Through all of this it's made me lose my feelings for him. I warned him that treating me the way he does is taking away my feelings for him. He still finds me attractive and wants sex. It's just hard for me since my feelings have changed.

He also doesn't want to spend money or go anywhere as a couple. Yet he has money for other things. So instead I go out with our friends. It's a little heartbreaking because I keep thinking it's my husband who should be exploring new places with me. Our friends even comment about the way my husband sometimes treats me. It's not often or an abusive situation. It does get on the extreme side of being militant and hitting walls. 

So the heart of the matter. I was hanging out with our friends and another man caught my eye who works at a local attraction. I've developed a crush on him. I'm scared to death because of the feelings I get from it. Total surprise and caught me off guard. I've been using the crush to get back into shape, and making the days a little sweeter thinking about him. It's not likely he feels the same way, and I hope he doesn't. I'm mainly using the feelings to make my own life better. I think it's gone a little too far because I'm becoming very drawn to him. We've talked some, I flirted a little. I've had people tell me that I'm married, not dead. However, I definetely need to draw a line for myself. Any advice? Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are nurturing the feelings for him because they make you feel good. It's not him making you feel good.. it's your own reaction. Do not pursue this man.. adultery is not the answer. If you think your husband is hard to deal with now, it's going to be terrible if you have an affair.

YOu say that the way your husband treats you is not abusive. Yet you sound like a victim of emotional/verbal abuse. Your husband is not meeting your needs.. that's pretty obvious.

Perhaps you should start seeing an individual counselor. You need to feel good about youself again. And then after a bit you might be able to get your husband into marriage counseling.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[You are nurturing the feelings for him because they make you feel good. It's not him making you feel good.].


Different situation but that its exactly what I needed to hear with the crush I have.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[You are nurturing the feelings for him because they make you feel good. It's not him making you feel good.].


Different situation but that its exactly what I needed to hear with the crush I have.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Your husband is a terrorist. A violent, spoiled child. 

Seek MC for the both of you and demand he go to IC for himself. If he will not do this then you should go to a lawyer and find out what your options are. This is no way to live.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good answers above, as a former cheater I'll reiterate do not cheat, even only emotionally. You have no idea what it cost you, the prices you'll pay regardless how unpleasant your marriage is. Face the issues in your marriage head on, put this OM out of your mind. Either fix your marriage or leave it, cheating in any form is not the answer, it's not worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

I too had a crush at one time that was motivating me and making me feel alive again. STOP, you are going to regret looking outside of your marriage to fulfill your needs. My crush turned into an affair that I never thought I was capable of but I was addicted to the feelings I was experiencing. I should have never nurtured my feeling of the crush. It is going to be hard because the feelings you are having are giving you what you think is happiness but it's not. It is all fantasy, and is going to cause even more problems even divorce. The grass is not greener on the other side. I eventually confessed to my husband and turned our worlds upside down! No Fun!! Go to marriage counseling, read books, find something you both enjoy doing together and do it. Don't let your friends tell you it's ok or lower your standards, they are not going to be dealing with the repercussions of your actions. Good Luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi there.
Your story mirrors my marriage, except that it was like that all the time, and it slowly chipped away at me. My husband was just as you describe-- and that situation, being treated that way, him not wanting to go out wtih you anymore, high expectations of you (lemme guess-he holds you to a different standard than himself?) and even outsiders/relatives commenting about the way he treats you -- it all gets very old after awhile. My ex emotionally abusive.

My advice is to talk to your husband about how you feel. Explain that this behavior is having an adverse effect on you and the marriage, suggest marriage counselling, really really try to explain how it's making you feel. Hopefully he will listen to you and step up to the plate. 

In my situation, I ended up having an affair. I do not recomend this at all. It did not resolve the problems in my marriage whatsoever. My advice is to stay far away from your crush. He looks super good right now because of how your husband is acting. Don't go there. Take it from someone who's been there.

I ended up divorcing, since my exH did not want to work together to resolve the issues. It is what it is. Hopefully your husband will see the light and commit to restoring your marriage to something better than before.

I have been you before and it sucks. One starts to feel extremely neglected in that kind of situation. Keep your head up.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hi there.
> Your story mirrors my marriage, except that it was like that all the time, and it slowly chipped away at me. My husband was just as you describe-- and that situation, being treated that way, him not wanting to go out wtih you anymore, high expectations of you (lemme guess-he holds you to a different standard than himself?) and even outsiders/relatives commenting about the way he treats you -- it all gets very old after awhile. My ex emotionally abusive.
> 
> My advice is to talk to your husband about how you feel. Explain that this behavior is having an adverse effect on you and the marriage, suggest marriage counselling, really really try to explain how it's making you feel. Hopefully he will listen to you and step up to the plate.
> ...


:iagree: completely!!!!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BingoLake said:


> I've been using the crush to get back into shape, and making the days a little sweeter thinking about him. It's not likely he feels the same way, and I hope he doesn't. I'm mainly using the feelings to make my own life better. I think it's gone a little too far because I'm becoming very drawn to him. We've talked some, I flirted a little.


This is compulsive behavior, similar to gambling or using drugs. If you want to stay married I would suggest that you stay completely away from you crush and try to find some kind of reason to develop a better opinion of your husband. You own your feelings or lack thereof. Try acting the way you want to feel and see how your feelings follow your actions


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

STOP NOW......... Stop thinking that this guy is fab. chances are you are do not really know this man and you are just building him up to perfection in your mind especially compaired to your husband.

Work there on you and your marriage. If you want out please do not use this man as the reason. He may be real but your perception of him can not be real....not right now.

Get help IC would be a great place to start. Don't make choices based on these feelings the IDEAL of this man has greated in your head it is not real. Get some MC and get it out of your head that your HERO has appeared in this crush.....there is nothing there that is real but a little attraction the rest you created.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> try to find some kind of reason to develop a better opinion of your husband. You own your feelings or lack thereof. Try acting the way you want to feel and see how your feelings follow your actions


That's all fine nad well as long as her husand puts forth teh same effort in the marriage. One person alone cannot carry all the weight of a relationship. If he is truly emotionally neglectful and doesn't want to spend time with her, it IS going to ruin their marriage. 

OP--re: sex...it's not at all uncommon for you not to want to bang your husband's brains out if he's not treating you right/lovingly/being emotionally available to you.

Tell him how this is effecting your sex life/drive/libido. 

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

Do stay away from the crush. Solve the problemsin your marriage first. If you findd the marriage issues aren't getting better/improving/Husband isn't making an effort to acknowledge your feelings/stopping bad behaviors--consider getting out.

Do not involve third parties.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Take your behavior as a wake-up call.
Go get yourself some Individual Counseling for co-dependency.
I think that your thoughts are telling you something.
You feel guilty, but you also feel confused.
If this keeps going you will short-circuit. 
This is how breakdowns happen.
Educate yourself on abuse, it's not just hitting or yelling.
You deserve to feel good even in the absence of any man making your day. It's sad that you didn't feel wanted or loved by your husband, and can feel that way because of a strange. It is not supposed to be that way, and I think you know it. It can be different. You really owe it to yourself to wake up and be happy when the day starts. Not wonder how you're going to feel, depending on who does or says what to you, or how someone else treats you.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Well you knowing that it is wrong to have feelings for another person while being married is a good thing. Now the hard part getting out of the situation its easy if you truly feel and know it is wrong. You need to stay away from the crush and concerntrate on your marriage, you need to go MC.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I don't think because you have a crush its going to go from 0-60 and you are kissing ,sleeping together ect,you have to have the inner strength to not let it get to the kissing sleeping together part and also you must think about how your spouse is going the be affected before anything intimate with the other person happens,I just Imagine my wife balled up crying and that is enough.

I do think you can still enjoy the person while they are in your life.I think 90 percent of crushes just peter out because both people know it can not lead to anything.


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