# Housekeeping difficulties



## hairyelephant (Jun 16, 2011)

I have been married about 2 years and we have a daughter that is about 7 months old. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and I work about 40 hours a week. The problem that I have is that I feel like she's failing me in the housekeeping department. This is how the division of labor works out: in addition to my job, I do the laundry, the majority of the dishes, and take care of the cats. She cooks, does the shopping, and takes care of our daughter while I am at work (when I am home, we split the child care between us). The problem is that anything that I haven't mentioned isn't getting done (i.e. sweeping, moping, vacuuming....it's pretty gross). I try to help out when I can, but I really don't have any extra time. Maybe with taking care of a kid, she doesn't have time either. I know that she spends a lot of her time reading, playing solitaire, and watching TV, so it seems to me like she should have time to do some housework too. When I talk with her about it, she says she will do it, but nothing happens. If I point out that things aren't getting done, she says that she just doesn't have the "clean gene" and finds housework too mundane. Is it fair for me to expect a say-at-home mom with a 7-month-old to do some housework, and if so, how can I persuade her to do it? It might seem like a small issue, but I am feeling used. Advice, anyone?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If she finds time to read, play solitaire, and watch TV, she has time to clean. That's part of her job description as a SAHM. Obviously some of those tasks can't be done while the child is awake. That's what naps are for, right? As a SAHM I did struggle to get a lot of household chores done at times. When I had twins and a 3 year old some things became impossible. Most of those things mentioned should be doable with one child.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Let me translate this for you. She doesn't want to clean and isn't going to either. Now how you approach that I have no idea. I'm tempted to tell you to put her on notice that she will be fired. If she's incapable of at least minimally putting forth effort then she needs to get a job since she's clearly not capable of being a homemaker.

Who controls the money? Does she have spending money?


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## hairyelephant (Jun 16, 2011)

I make the money, but she does the budgeting (I should have put that on the list of things that she does). She doesn't really have an allowance. I just trust her to be responsible with the money.

In fairness, I should add that she is also pregnant and that she says that she naps when the baby does because she is so tired (she is in the first trimester). This has been a problem our whole marriage, though, so I don't think that childcare and pregnancy are the only factors.


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

I totally relate to the wife in this sense. I would recommend making a chore chart. Technically you BOTH have full time jobs- yours is at work and hers is at home with the baby. It is VERY difficult to clean with a baby or a toddler. So I do think it is fair for you to evenly divide the chores. Just because she is "there" more hours than you are does not mean she is any freer than you are at work to do extraneous things. Chore charts save the day


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

Oh and I always napped when my son was a baby and he was napping! It was my only time to sleep because he had such difficulty sleeping at night!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

She's pregnant AND has a 7 month old. Dude you're screwed. Your house isn't going to be clean for very long time. Hire a housekeeper.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

A chore chart works if the reason behind the neglect is a feeling or disorganization or feeling overwhelmed. It is easy to walk into chaos, not know where to begin, and actually getting yourself "exhausted" just thinking about where to start. I agree breaking it down helps, like making a schedule to focus on one room a day. Spend just an hour a day dedicated to one room, and focusing on a different room each day of the week, and you would be surprised how much of a difference your home's appearance would be. Post the schedule as a reminder to both of you. As a form of support, on the evening prior, check the schedule, see what room is going to be cleaned the next day, and make sure all of your stuff is put away. For example, if she is cleaning the living room tomorrow, check to see if your shoes are not on the floor. Little things like that make a difference. It can get frustrating from her perspective to find things that "didn't need to be there in the first place" when trying to clean.

Its tough to empathize when we go to a job and put in a dedicated shift. We sometimes think the spouse should be putting in the same effort during that time but it is not easy, mentally, and we have a hard time understanding this, especially when we can't come home and "see" the progress being made. Many women are just not cut out for it anymore also. They just can't get motivated to "work" while at home. You may need to consider the possibility of her going to work and utilizing daycare for the children, then taking an equal share in the cleaning responsibilities.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> She's pregnant AND has a 7 month old. Dude you're screwed. Your house isn't going to be clean for very long time. Hire a housekeeper.


Might be a good idea too. When something like this actually is someone's paid job, you would be surprised by their efficiency. You could pay a service to come in for 4 hours once a week and that would be enough to have the house spotless. Again, you would think she could find the time in her day but you would be surprised how hard it really is.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

bs193 said:


> Again, you would think she could find the time in her day but you would be surprised how hard it really is.


Does not compute. I became a homemaker when I had a 3 and 1 year old. I had time to clean. Now it did fall apart when I had my 3rd because at that point they outnumbered me (ALOT!!) 

However I am good at what I do. I'm type A and VERY organized. Not many women are so you may be right.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Hire a maid, and then ask her to retool the budget to account for the new spending.


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## DrWife (May 20, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Does not compute. I became a homemaker when I had a 3 and 1 year old. I had time to clean. Now it did fall apart when I had my 3rd because at that point they outnumbered me.
> 
> However I am good at what I do. I'm type A and VERY organized. Not many women are so you may be right.


Yeah I definitely don't work that way and it has nothing to do with laziness but it could have to do with lack of organization (I'm ADD inattentive so keeping everything in order is fairly alien to me). Chore charts DO help the average person or someone like me w/ADD. I think you are wonder woman if you can do it all LOL!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hairyelephant said:


> When I talk with her about it, she says she will do it, but nothing happens. If I point out that things aren't getting done, she says that she just doesn't have the "clean gene" and finds housework too mundane. Is it fair for me to expect a say-at-home mom with a 7-month-old to do some housework, and if so, how can I persuade her to do it? It might seem like a small issue, but I am feeling used. Advice, anyone?


My question to you is this - what is her mother like, her family in his department? Generally these things go from generation to generation. My MIL is a hoarder, 2 brothers junk collectors, you can spot the one's truck a mile away in town, junk piled to the sky, 2 kids out of 4 have a tendency to hoarding. 

Thankfully for me (I can not stand a messy house), my husband took after this DAD - who came from an immaculte clean Gene family-seriously every sibling had an immacuate house! (crazy how opposite they were, these differences were the biggest issue in their marraige).

I sometimes worry a couple of my kids may take after Grandma though and I must NOT let this happen!! 

I do feel you have every right to be upset, she is NOT carrying her load at all. I have 6 kids, I even cleaned other peoples houses when I was pregnant besides my own , I have had a few jobs on the side, I am a stay at Home Mom too, I also handle all the budgeting, cut the grass outside, all the cooking, laundry, I do all the scheduling, all the shopping for clothes, online shopping, I will even post on Auto forums to help my husband get an answer to a mechanic question if he has a dilemma. I hardly watch TV , I used too, now I am more glued to forums like this. 

I would be upset with myself if I did not have my house decently clean with food ready to eat, bills paid , laundry done, etc so me & him can have more leisure time -just for ourselves and the kids. That is always the goal in back of my mind. I am a ball of energy though, alwyas been this way. I am also not a procrastinator and I am very organized. 

But seriously, I think some people have issues, my husbands mother has to be ILL - to live the way she does,-she has always been this way. It really screwed up her marraige, to the point the dad was embarrassed of the house and didn't want to stay home. So he hung out with his buddies almost every night after work. If he put his foot down, she whined pi**ed and moaned. 

She used to try to get sympathy from me but I was totally was on the dads side. He never had to cook or do laundry though, his house was simply a disaster where he could not even see his walls, and junk was even pilled in front of the windows. She also wanted to take in every cat in the neighbor, like a shelter. She would neve leave or he would start burning things in the backyard. To her this was total betrayal. After his death she managed to completely fill a 3 stall garage with junk, Us kids gave up. A relative suggested paying for a dumpster, and she was furious & quit talking to them. 

Maybe your wife is not looking so bad after hearing all of this!

Your wife is pregnant right now. The majority of women really do feel horrible & likely could use some extra pampering during this time ( I didn't but I think I am an exception). Once the pregnancy is over though & she is back to her old self -body completely healed, use Child gates, baby swings, get learning movies to occupy the children's attention so mom can get the work needed DONE while dad is at work. 

And if you have the extra $, hire a cleaning lady , maybe once a month to come in - help her see how Nice her house COULD LOOK if she puts the effort into it herself. YOu are the man, let her know this is IMPORTANT to you, and if you have to spend extra $$ HERE -then maybe something else has to go -like the cable. This may motivate her. I think you need to effectively motivate her without pi**ing her off . A fine line for sure with some women. 

My father in law was never able to do it !


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

See that's it I can't do it all now. Cleaning when you have 3 kids is like trying to shovel snow in a snow storm. 

I cleaned this place spotless last Friday and today just a scant 6 days later it looks like I didn't do a thing. Seriously.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> See that's it I can't do it all now. Cleaning when you have 3 kids is like trying to shovel snow in a snow storm.
> 
> I cleaned this place spotless last Friday and today just a scant 6 days later it looks like I didn't do a thing. Seriously.


I manage to keep it clean but yes, toys are many places throughout my house too. This , for me, is not the same as a disaster zone, a clean house (vaccumed floors, things were they belong for the most part) with scattered toys in varous places. MY 4 yrs old likes to dump his bin of little cars all over in varuos spots of the house, these things don't bother me , if they did, I might as well take a gun to my head, as I will never have my way. 


I am the type, evey time I enter a room, I start to pick up, throwing things in the other room where they belong, -then when I make it to that room , It gets put back. Sometimes my kids have to duck when I start throwing. So it is never a huge job-taking hours. If I go to the bathroom, I will clean the sink & toilet on my way out, sometimes grab the sweeper. Had no intention of doing this when I went to Pee -but thought -it looks diry, so no time but the present ! I will have a laundry basket of things to distribute downstairs-from the upstairs & vice versa. 

Cleaning has never bothered me, just is my second nature. I like ORDER and to know where things are. Or I get very irritated. Hate disorganization. I can not lay my head to sleep if my dishes are not done & my kitchen floor needs sweeped . 

But that is ok, it is my motivator.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

hairyelephant said:


> I make the money, but she does the budgeting (I should have put that on the list of things that she does). She doesn't really have an allowance. I just trust her to be responsible with the money.
> 
> 
> In fairness, I should add that she is also pregnant and that she says that she naps when the baby does because she is so tired (she is in the first trimester). This has been a problem our whole marriage, though, so I don't think that childcare and pregnancy are the only factors.


Read up on effective limit setting. Do nothing, and you will be back here in 3 years with MASSIVE resentment.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

DrWife said:


> I totally relate to the wife in this sense. I would recommend making a chore chart. Technically you BOTH have full time jobs- yours is at work and hers is at home with the baby. It is VERY difficult to clean with a baby or a toddler.


No offense, DrWife, but that is nonsense. You can't do an all out effort, down on hands and knees. But even babies can hang in their bouncy seat, baby carrier or pack n play. 

A sahm who leaves half or more of the housework to her husband is not doing her job. Coming from a woman who spent several years doing exactly that WHILE home schooling.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Have you ruled out depression? Also, if she's nursing please don't underestimate the amount of time that takes. I think you should sit down and have an honest conversation about household duties. Ask her what her least favorite chore is and offer to do that one daily. Leave the others up to her, but certainly help from time to time. Also realize that when you're off work, so is she. The little messes that happen when you're together belong to the both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> She's pregnant AND has a 7 month old. Dude you're screwed. Your house isn't going to be clean for very long time. Hire a housekeeper.


SEVEN month old children can be taught to sleep at NIGHT. God, sacrificing marriage because we cannot learn how to deal with small children makes me insane. They are not little porcelain dolls that are going to break. And we do them no service when we treat them as such.

Seven month old babies can and should hang with Mom doing what Mom does some of the time, whether on the floor, in their little exercauser, in a pack n play, in a carrier...


Mom, step away from the keyboard... today is NOT a good day.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> See that's it I can't do it all now. Cleaning when you have 3 kids is like trying to shovel snow in a snow storm.


Why would you? You have three kids. What are they doing?



> I cleaned this place spotless last Friday and today just a scant 6 days later it looks like I didn't do a thing. Seriously.


hmmmmm.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> See that's it I can't do it all now. Cleaning when you have 3 kids is like trying to shovel snow in a snow storm.
> 
> I cleaned this place spotless last Friday and today just a scant 6 days later it looks like I didn't do a thing. Seriously.


I get your point, there is the need to be cleaned, and then there is clutter. I never had an issue if there were toys on the floor, etc.

But if I came home from work and noticed that there was 3 day old baby food on the floor with a science experiment growing on it, that would piss me off.

Clutter from kids can be hard to keep up with but food encrusted dishes in the sink shouldn't be there.

I work full time, my wife stays home. Our split is, I work, take care of the yard and the car and handyman repairs in the house.

She does the interior cleaning, cooking, laundry and bills.

With no kids, that equates to about 3 hours a day, TOPS.

More than an equitable split.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mom6547 said:


> SEVEN month old children can be taught to sleep at NIGHT. God, sacrificing marriage because we cannot learn how to deal with small children makes me insane. They are not little porcelain dolls that are going to break. And we do them no service when we treat them as such.
> 
> Seven month old babies can and should hang with Mom doing what Mom does some of the time, whether on the floor, in their little exercauser, in a pack n play, in a carrier...


Love this! One of my pet peeves is these moms who think they can't wake the baby, always "sssshhhhh - don't wake the baby" - then they wonder why they are up all night. This is insane to me, I never did this, I vaccumed when I wanted to vacuum, those little darlings get used to the noise! And if they didn't, they slept at night. I never had a colicy baby though, now that would be very HARD. I feel for those moms. 

I had 2 in diapers at one time and I used CLOTH for goodness sake and didnt even own a a dryer -I hung them all out on the line (my choice I am weird and was cheap). Now if I can go to all of this crazy trouble , I think women should be able to handle one kid, pampers, and laundry just fine. 

I had 4 kids 6 yrs old & under in a season of my life - and I always dragged them all to the Grocery store to do my shopping when my husband was working -2 car seats in the back, I put my baby in the sling next to my chest, one on a leash, I did NOT let all these kids slow me down from anything I needed to do. I made no excuses. There were embarrasing times in the stores where some moms might have left -due to how the kids were acting, But I needed to get that shopping done - I trudged on. I let nothing slow me down. 

I never breastfed, I move around too much, I felt my kids might starve if I tried that. I probably shouldn't have done this but I propped the bottle in their mouths while I sat there doing other menial tasks, I was ALWAYS there so they NEVER choked, so I could get many things done at once. I am a multi-tasker big time. I have 4 timers in my house to keep me on the ball.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Boogsie said:


> But if I came home from work and noticed that there was 3 day old baby food on the floor with a science experiment growing on it, that would piss me off.
> 
> Clutter from kids can be hard to keep up with but food encrusted dishes in the sink shouldn't be there.


My husband tells me all the time I'm excellent housekeeper. In fact I'm quite ocd about it. I'm eggagerating about what my house looks like right now. The main reason it's messy is because I'm trying to do my continuing education for my CPA license and it's taking up quite a bit of my time. Then when I'm done I'm taking the kids to the pool. My CPE will be done in a week and my life will get back to normal. Hubby totally understands.

The only thing wrong with my house right this second is just some clutter. The house is CLEAN just not picked up. My husband says he doesn't care about some clutter as long as the place is clean. No dried on food, no brown toilet, no pink slime in the shower, no nasty floors, that kind of thing. You know clean. 

When I say I've lowered my standards what I meant was I've quit washing baseboards, lining up my canned goods, that kind of thing. LOL!! I mentioned I'm Type A right?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Love this! One of my pet peeves is these moms who think they can't wake the baby, always "sssshhhhh - don't wake the baby" - then they wonder why they are up all night. This is insane to me, I never did this, I vaccumed when I wanted to vacuum, those little darlings get used to the noise! And if they didn't, they slept at night. I never had a colicy baby though, now that would be very HARD. I feel for those moms.


There IS such a thing as colic. I believe this. I know this. Some babies are colicky.

But some moms are just whacked. If you treat your baby like they are going to break at any second, you are going to get a baby who is just plain used to crying. 




> I had 2 in diapers at one time and I used CLOTH for goodness sake and didnt even own a a dryer -I hung them all out on the line (my choice I am weird and was cheap). Now if I can go to all of this crazy trouble , I think women should be able to handle one kid, pampers, and laundry just fine.
> 
> I had 4 kids 6 yrs old & under in a season of my life - and I always dragged them all to the Grocery store to do my shopping when my husband was working -2 car seats in the back, I put my baby in the sling next to my chest, one on a leash, I did NOT let all these kids slow me down from anything I needed to do. I made no excuses. There were embarrasing times in the stores where some moms might have left -due to how the kids were acting, But I needed to get that shopping done - I trudged on. I let nothing slow me down.


See I am a tad *****ier than you. By 4 and 6, they could damned well behave in the grocery store! 



> I never breastfed, I move around too much, I felt my kids might starve if I tried that. I probably shouldn't have done this but I propped the bottle in their mouths while I sat there doing other menial tasks, I was ALWAYS there so they NEVER choked, so I could get many things done at once.


Oh God, I am the opposite. I moved around way to much to bother with fixing bottles. Stick 'em in the sling, latch and go.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

hairyelephant said:


> I have been married about 2 years and we have a daughter that is about 7 months old. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and I work about 40 hours a week. The problem that I have is that I feel like she's failing me in the housekeeping department. This is how the division of labor works out: in addition to my job, I do the laundry, the majority of the dishes, and take care of the cats. She cooks, does the shopping, and takes care of our daughter while I am at work (when I am home, we split the child care between us). The problem is that anything that I haven't mentioned isn't getting done (i.e. sweeping, moping, vacuuming....it's pretty gross). I try to help out when I can, but I really don't have any extra time. Maybe with taking care of a kid, she doesn't have time either. *I know that she spends a lot of her time reading, playing solitaire, and watching TV*, so it seems to me like she should have time to do some housework too. When I talk with her about it, *she says she will do it, but nothing happens*. If I point out that things aren't getting done, she says that she just doesn't have the "clean gene" and finds housework too mundane. Is it fair for me to expect a say-at-home mom with a 7-month-old to do some housework, and if so, how can I persuade her to do it? It might seem like a small issue, but I am feeling used. Advice, anyone?


This stood out to me. These are all things she may be doing to distract herself if she is having postpartum depression. If she seem OK watch her closer, she may be trying to hide symptoms (if she has PPD) because many women are ashamed of being depressed.

You get to go off to work each day while she stays home with a 7 month old. If you have never been a SAHM you cannot understand how overwhelming the situation can be sometimes. 

To a SAHM, her husband's work day seems like vacation on her "bad" days. I know it seems dumb, but it's true for many SAHMs, me included.


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