# Weight ruining marriage



## stumped

Ok I am 30 years old my husband is soon to be 37. We have been married for almost 7 years together for 9 1/2.

Over the years my weight has fluctuated and in the last 3-4 months was at its highest. I have gained 95lbs since the day we got married. I have gone on diets again and again lose some weight only to slowly put it back on. My husband has made comments encouraging, mean, nasty etc. over the years and has even said things about my weight and I guess quite honestly I never took them too seriously or we would just fight about it because I thought he was being mean. 

About 2-3 months ago he told me that I had lost my confidence...that I dont care about what I look like anymore, my weight is an issue, I dont do anything with my hair anymore and all I wear is jeans and t-shirts. I completely agreed with him.....I told him he was absolutley right and that I wasnt happy with myself and I needed to change that. So I started slowly by doing my hair and putting on a little makeup (never wore much to begin with). I work in an environment that dressing up in inappropriate so I wear jeans, t-shirts and sneakers everyday. Then I started eating better and exercising since this began I have lost 30.5lbs. Well 3 weeks ago he hit me with the he didnt want to be married anymore.....and just kept saying he is unhappy.

After some time he has finally admitted that my weight is a big problem for him. My husband is a very good looking man and he said he didnt want to tell me because he thought it sounded superficial but he couldnt help how he felt. 

He moved out of the bedroom 2 weeks ago and suggested that one of us needs to move out. I am afraid that no matter what I do I have already lost him. My friends that I have talked to have differing opinions. I know I am on the right track but I know in the back of his mind he is also thinking about how long will it last this time....is there anything I can do that might convince him otherwise? I know that I let this happen because I didnt take his comments seriously any advice would be helpful.

A couple of my friends are adamant that he doesnt want a divorce because he is still wearing his ring and he hasnt moved out of the house....


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## swedish

30.5lbs is awesome!! I think the only thing that would convince him that this is a lasting change is if you truly are doing this for yourself and not just to keep him/make him happy. 

95lbs is a lot of weight to gain in 7 years time so if this has been due to using food as a comfort because you are unhappy, getting to the bottom of those issues and feeling better about who you are is what will make it last.


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## justean

well done on losing the weight, you have made a start. unfortuately weight gain does not go in 5 minutes, unless your jennifer lopez. but talk to hubby again. get back in the same bed. find out if its what he really wants.
thats your start.
after my 2nd child i could not shift the weight. 18 months later stil down in dumps.
i got on scales and within 6 weeks lost a stone. 
i can tell you love your hubby, but his concern is your weight, not n e thing else it seems. 
so focus on that issue, obviously you have to do it for yourself ( if weight is making you unhappy) . 
you might not win him back until its resolved. 
so heres what i did to lose weight. 
breakfast in am , breakfast for dinner and a cooked meal for tea. 
or breakfast in am and a pink and white wafer for dinner and again a cooked meal for tea.
whenever i see my weight go up, i go back to that system every time.
i am a size 10/12. dont know wht that is, where your from . 
but you can do it. 
i dont do gyms. but i put the music on in my house (full blast) and dance. so you reduce calories and increase exercise. 
nobody sees u in your home and you can do it til your hearts content.

do this every day with the breakfast and just tell your husband you need him to be there for you. sex is also good for reducing calories. have fun whilst your losing weight.


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## stumped

swedish said:


> 30.5lbs is awesome!! I think the only thing that would convince him that this is a lasting change is if you truly are doing this for yourself and not just to keep him/make him happy.
> 
> 95lbs is a lot of weight to gain in 7 years time so if this has been due to using food as a comfort because you are unhappy, getting to the bottom of those issues and feeling better about who you are is what will make it last.


I am doing it for me because when he finally did say something to me about my confidenece I was in complete agreement with him. And I realized that I needed to do it for me.

I am not a comfort food eater...I think it came down to we ate out alot and grabbing fast food for lunch and our activity level just got reduced. He gained some weight to dont get me wrong but he is also down 32lbs (he still isnt at our marriage weight) but he just had a belly...it wasnt really a big deal to me. I still think he is the most handsome man in the world.


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## stumped

justean said:


> well done on losing the weight, you have made a start. unfortuately weight gain does not go in 5 minutes, unless your jennifer lopez. but talk to hubby again. get back in the same bed. find out if its what he really wants.
> thats your start.
> after my 2nd child i could not shift the weight. 18 months later stil down in dumps.
> i got on scales and within 6 weeks lost a stone.
> i can tell you love your hubby, but his concern is your weight, not n e thing else it seems.
> so focus on that issue, obviously you have to do it for yourself ( if weight is making you unhappy) .
> you might not win him back until its resolved.
> so heres what i did to lose weight.
> breakfast in am , breakfast for dinner and a cooked meal for tea.
> or breakfast in am and a pink and white wafer for dinner and again a cooked meal for tea.
> whenever i see my weight go up, i go back to that system every time.
> i am a size 10/12. dont know wht that is, where your from .
> but you can do it.
> i dont do gyms. but i put the music on in my house (full blast) and dance. so you reduce calories and increase exercise.
> nobody sees u in your home and you can do it til your hearts content.
> 
> do this every day with the breakfast and just tell your husband you need him to be there for you. sex is also good for reducing calories. have fun whilst your losing weight.


My husband has a hobby that requires us to travel so I went with him this past weekend and we shared a bed because we had someone with us and he cuddled with me all weekend. Then when we got home he went back to his room...when I asked him why he cuddled with me he said he was lonely and wanted to cuddle. A friend of mine suggested that I not push the issue of the seperate rooms..but at night when we go to bed go in his room and just hang out for a little bit. Which I have done the last two nights...so baby steps right!


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## draconis

He might feel the need to be honest with wearing the ring or to stay faithful until you two are parted.

As for the weight, you can continue but do so for yourself. A healthier you will bring more confidence too. This will only benefit you with or without him.

draconis


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## swedish

Thanks for the additional info. it always helps when responding.

I'm glad to hear you are not a comfort food eater because if it's just a matter of bad eating habits/lack of exercise, it will be more of a matter of getting over those old cravings/habits and the more you see the results of how much better you look/feel the less you even want to go back, so that's all good.

I do think that most people find confident people attractive, even with extra pounds. There is a lot to be said for the way you carry yourself. I know for me personally this is true. I'm not sure if that's more what your husband is saying or if it truly is a weight issue, but I really think the best thing you can do is to put all of your energy into the things you are currently doing for yourself.

Saying he was lonely and wanted to cuddle to me is a really positive sign. I agree, baby steps.

The more excited you are about your new diet/exercise the more he will believe you are in it for the long haul because he will notice the difference in your energy level, mood, etc. This can seem almost impossible (to feel and be happy when you are worried about the state of your marriage) but sometimes if you focus on all of the progress you are making you can somewhat 'force' a good mood.

You can also try asking him to join in on the exercise...go for walks together, etc. One thing I would avoid is complaining about dieting/exercising in front of him. That might give him the impression that this is a quick fix that you cannot wait to finish and stop (not saying that you are, just another thought)


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## stumped

swedish said:


> Thanks for the additional info. it always helps when responding.
> 
> I'm glad to hear you are not a comfort food eater because if it's just a matter of bad eating habits/lack of exercise, it will be more of a matter of getting over those old cravings/habits and the more you see the results of how much better you look/feel the less you even want to go back, so that's all good.
> 
> I do think that most people find confident people attractive, even with extra pounds. There is a lot to be said for the way you carry yourself. I know for me personally this is true. I'm not sure if that's more what your husband is saying or if it truly is a weight issue, but I really think the best thing you can do is to put all of your energy into the things you are currently doing for yourself.
> 
> Saying he was lonely and wanted to cuddle to me is a really positive sign. I agree, baby steps.
> 
> The more excited you are about your new diet/exercise the more he will believe you are in it for the long haul because he will notice the difference in your energy level, mood, etc. This can seem almost impossible (to feel and be happy when you are worried about the state of your marriage) but sometimes if you focus on all of the progress you are making you can somewhat 'force' a good mood.
> 
> You can also try asking him to join in on the exercise...go for walks together, etc. One thing I would avoid is complaining about dieting/exercising in front of him. That might give him the impression that this is a quick fix that you cannot wait to finish and stop (not saying that you are, just another thought)


I think you are exaclty right....I asked him if he wanted a divorce in the very beginning and he said "I dont know" the other day the answer he gave me was "I think so" so I still think he is unsure and even though "I think so" isnt a "no" but it isnt a "yes" either. All I have is hope so thats what I am going to hold onto for now.


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## justean

i had goosebumps reading your mail. it was nice you shared a bed. it wil take time. we all go through that i do , i dont know stage. 
we all have twinges in relationships. 
but i dont think your losing this battle, you can win it. 
this is fact and my hubby and i are the same. 
most ppl put on weight over time and age.
this is fact - and researched. for our every 10 years we gain a stone. its not down to eating. your metabolism slows down. 
but at least you are aware of your food downfalls ( as i am ) chocoholic. but i know when i must stop. 
and we all have fridge moments. 
but for your hubby to cuddle you, tells me alot. hes not ready to give you up. there is no one else. hes just having his own bit of time out.


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## GAsoccerman

I ahve to admit if my wife gained 95Lbs since we were married, I would be very upset.

I have blatantly told my wife she needs to get in shape for health reasons. I think she is a georgous women, but not if she get's lazy and get's fat.

The problem is he waited to long to tell you, it has probably been eating at him for a long time.

Sit down with him, maybe you can discuss about working out together, maybe he can be your coach. He can help you eat better. make it a "team" effort. It is a lifestyle change and you need to change.

You may have a job wear you can wear jeans and sneakers, but you can still dress up somewhat, nice slacks and a nice blouse. My wife can wear some nice clothes to work, and then take them off soon as she gets home, and I say, why did you change? I didn't get a chance to look you over. (we are visual creatures) I feel bummed, Left out, when my wife wears asexy top to work, then changes to a t-shirt when she get's home, I understand the whole "comfort" thing, but hey, have a drink with me, let me drool over you a bit before you go change.

But I coach my wife, I have a routine she works out to and eats better becuase I brought it to her attention. Ask him for help and guidence about getting back into shape. 

I don't think he wants a divorce, but he wants you in better shape, So honey losing 30 pounds is a great start!! Now keep going. Get him involved and communicate with him how much you love him and that you will do this for him.

Best of luck!


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## stumped

GAsoccerman said:


> I ahve to admit if my wife gained 95Lbs since we were married, I would be very upset.
> 
> I have blatantly told my wife she needs to get in shape for health reasons. I think she is a georgous women, but not if she get's lazy and get's fat.
> 
> The problem is he waited to long to tell you, it has probably been eating at him for a long time.
> 
> Sit down with him, maybe you can discuss about working out together, maybe he can be your coach. He can help you eat better. make it a "team" effort. It is a lifestyle change and you need to change.
> 
> You may have a job wear you can wear jeans and sneakers, but you can still dress up somewhat, nice slacks and a nice blouse. My wife can wear some nice clothes to work, and then take them off soon as she gets home, and I say, why did you change? I didn't get a chance to look you over. (we are visual creatures) I feel bummed, Left out, when my wife wears asexy top to work, then changes to a t-shirt when she get's home, I understand the whole "comfort" thing, but hey, have a drink with me, let me drool over you a bit before you go change.
> 
> But I coach my wife, I have a routine she works out to and eats better becuase I brought it to her attention. Ask him for help and guidence about getting back into shape.
> 
> I don't think he wants a divorce, but he wants you in better shape, So honey losing 30 pounds is a great start!! Now keep going. Get him involved and communicate with him how much you love him and that you will do this for him.
> 
> Best of luck!


Thanks for the insight =)

Like I said I completley understand where he is coming from and I think I know why it took him so long to come out and say it because he told me he didnt want to hurt me and it made him feel superficial. Which I tried to explain to him that I didnt take it that way at all. 

About dressing up at work....I work for an Automotive Performance Shop and I have made some changes to look a little better but I cant really dress up with nice slacks or blouses because I move parts around not necessarily greasy stuff but tires etc. I am the office manager but we are a small company and we all pitch in and do a little of everything. Another reason why I wear sneakers is because you dont want your toes exposed in this place you might lose one! Like I said I have made steps to look more presentable by doing my hair and makeup instead of wearing a pony tail and now that I have lost some weight I am tucking my t-shirts in and wearing a belt (which I need a new one cause its too big now) instead of leaving them hanging out and looking sloppy. I am still girly as with getting my nails and toes done religously. And I have to say just the changes I have made are making me feel alot better about myself which is awesome!


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## stumped

mommy22 said:


> If you put yourself in his shoes, what do you find more visually stimulating and arousing--- your husband at his ideal weight in good health or 95lbs overweight? My husband is amazed at the stamina he has now since he's lost some weight. You'll feel so much better if you lose it. He probably feels hopeless that you're saying you'll change but go back to old habits. Mind over matter. Make the choice.


Your absolutley right and thats what I told him when he finally said something and he said he felt superficial. I told him I couldnt blame him because I cant say I wouldnt feel the same way if he was the one that had gained 95lbs. 

I know that I am the one that did this and only I can fix it....I dont have a problem with him being "superficial" as he called it I have a problem if he isnt willing to try to work through it.


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## stumped

mommy22 said:


> I reread my last post and it sounded a little harsh. Sorry. It's just that I have been in your shoes before. I was always thin and then gained a bunch of weight during pregnancy. I couldn't stand the way I felt and I worked really hard to get it all back off. I had ballooned up to a size 16 and am now a 3. I've had to work hard all these years to maintain it but it's been worth it. I also know that I can be a better mother to my children and am limiting health risks by taking better care of myself. The self confidence you'll have will be a draw for your husband. You can do it.


Your post wasnt harsh at all...I would rather people be honest than sugar coat something. I understand that the changes I am making now are going to be lifelong changes. I already have it set in my mind that I will not go back to the heavier weight. I weigh myself everyday (Im an instant gratification person) and once I reach my goal I will continue to weight myself everday and if the scale starts to tip more than 5-10 lbs the wrong way then I will know I need to change something.


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## stumped

mommy22 said:


> Way to go! Making up your mind to do it is really the majority of the battle. I know you're proud of yourself. If you maintain the thought process that it's a lifestyle and not a diet, then you've got it. It sounds like you're really serious this time. Good for you.


I just hope that the little things I am holding on to arent going to kick me in the butt. =)

To give a little more background....I do everything for my husband and please dont jump on the feminists bandwagon and tell me I am ruining it for all women. I do the things I do because I LIKE to do them and I LIKE to do them for him (and I am a little OCD). I do all the cleaning, laundry, pay the bills, etc. (well he has done one load of laundry since he moved out of the bedroom). Other than the laundry thing I am still doing all these things...I dont mind doing them but I dont know if I should stop doing some of these things or what....do a draw a line and if I do where do I draw it?


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## justean

i think even if you stopped, as i have in the past , you do go back to it, especially if your in the same house together. 
but then my hubby actually does all the jobs you mention in small form. i.e if im busy, i ask him to put washing on. he does. tumble drying , he will. if im in work , we have 2 children , so he has to take over then. i,e food , dishes, hoovering.
try asking him to do little things. that wont hurt, he might appreciate you more. 
as for the feminist thing. dont worry. never thought of that.
when i kicked hubby out for his one nite stand. he went over his mothers. since the day i have known her 13 years. 
my hubby has never had to want or do n e thing . she does it all.
its how she grew up. 
however a work colleague who i woe with my probs - actually tells me its womens work. we get on with it, because we know how to do it right.
put it this way. i used to moan about hubby not packing for our children on holidays. but then if he got it wrong - as he wood- i would have gone nuts.
so why ask if you do a better job. i would rather do things myself. but its nice to come home to a clean home and when hubby comes home to this, i expect the same back.
hope that helps


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## Chopblock

I'm in a similar situation with my gf. I love her like crazy, and I can deal with the weight gain, but its her depressing self-loathing attitude that is poisoning our relationship. Sex happens once every few months (most recently, it was 8 months in between) and she gets really depressed and angry when image is brought up.

If you had someone who for 7 years was always "gonna start tomorrow", you'd be pretty convinced nothing was going to happen.

If you want him to believe you are serious, then you have to stick to it, stick to it, stick to it and did I mention STICK TO IT! Over 7 years, your man has bit his tongue while you gained weight (whoever said its been eating at him for a while was spot on). Its going to take time and its going to take hard work.

I say don't keep asking him if he wants a divorce, and don't push the issue of separate rooms cuz you'll just push him away. Focus all your efforts on yourself and getting in shape, and FIXING YOUR ATTITUDE!

At the very worst, if he leaves you, you'll be in smoking hot shape for the next guy.


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## stumped

Chopblock said:


> I'm in a similar situation with my gf. I love her like crazy, and I can deal with the weight gain, but its her depressing self-loathing attitude that is poisoning our relationship. Sex happens once every few months (most recently, it was 8 months in between) and she gets really depressed and angry when image is brought up.
> 
> If you had someone who for 7 years was always "gonna start tomorrow", you'd be pretty convinced nothing was going to happen.
> 
> If you want him to believe you are serious, then you have to stick to it, stick to it, stick to it and did I mention STICK TO IT! Over 7 years, your man has bit his tongue while you gained weight (whoever said its been eating at him for a while was spot on). Its going to take time and its going to take hard work.
> 
> I say don't keep asking him if he wants a divorce, and don't push the issue of separate rooms cuz you'll just push him away. Focus all your efforts on yourself and getting in shape, and FIXING YOUR ATTITUDE!
> 
> At the very worst, if he leaves you, you'll be in smoking hot shape for the next guy.


Thats pretty much what I have been doing it is just really hard to not have the intimacy that I am used to with him. I will admit that our sex life was not every day but reading what people say on here and talking to other female friends we averaged 2-3 times a week (before the seperate rooms) and that apparently isnt too shabby.

I am trying to just give him his space for now and not be too overbearing...the thing that REALLY hurts is this weekend he decided he didnt need to communitcate with me when he was leaving the house...not that I need to know where he is going but a "bye" would have been nice. So I did the same thing...hopefully things work out =)


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## Chopblock

Wait wait wait.... you want to be closer to him, so you decided to passive-aggressively avoid talking to him in order to get revenge for him not telling you he was leaving the house, and the whole reason he is in a separate bedroom in the first place is because you've been graining weight for 7 years?

I think you are going about this all wrong. This is NOT the way to get him to want to be closer to you -- it will only give him more of a reason to leave.

PS: If you had sex 2-3 times/week on average, then that means you had sex around 64 times before I had it once.


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## stumped

Chopblock said:


> Wait wait wait.... you want to be closer to him, so you decided to passive-aggressively avoid talking to him in order to get revenge for him not telling you he was leaving the house, and the whole reason he is in a separate bedroom in the first place is because you've been graining weight for 7 years?
> 
> I think you are going about this all wrong. This is NOT the way to get him to want to be closer to you -- it will only give him more of a reason to leave.
> 
> PS: If you had sex 2-3 times/week on average, then that means you had sex around 64 times before I had it once.


No no no it wasnt a revenge thing at all....I am trying to give him his space because that is what he told me he needed. He was already gone when I left so he wasnt there to say goodbye to anyway. But I didnt call him to tell him I was going out either I just left...he got home 3 hours before I did and he didnt call me to find out where I was so I didnt press the issue. 

I feel a little sorry for you on the sex end but I have seen some of your posts and your advice is to some people has been to kick them to the curb...so why arent you following your own advice?????


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## Chopblock

I haven't kicked her out yet because I don't yet believe we are beyond saving. She is actively working on her image (lost 25 lbs and counting) and we had really really great sex a week ago in which she was an ACTIVE participant. I was pretty close to ending it about 3 months ago but we had a good talk and the above progress was made. So long as it CONTINUES, we can stay together.

I'm relieved to hear you weren't being P-A with your husband, as that would just be worse. I don't think there is much more that can be said here besides keep it up and continue making progress.

A little more male insight -- part of him is ALWAYS going to be worried that things will regress. If you get your 7-year ago body back, you have to show him that things will stay (within reason). Your husband is probably wrestling with fears like this, and has been for a long time. I know it stinks that you are just being "clued in", because it means he has already milled this over a thousand times and is farther along in the process than you are.

Stay positive, and best of luck.


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## stumped

Its been a week since I originally posted my situation. Still just as confused and unsure as I was a week ago...but it has only been a week so thats ok I guess.

There has not been anymore talk about someone moving out....but there also hasnt been any talk about moving back into the bedroom and there hasnt been any talk about "us" really. I am trying to just give him some space which is hard because I find myself still doing little things like picking up empty water bottles or trash up after him, if I make dinner he usually eats it and I still end up cleaning it up and last night we just had sandwiches and I made them...so should I be doing this stuff or not doing it? I like doing it but sometimes I feel like everything is the same except we dont have sex, hug or kiss or share a bed......


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## GAsoccerman

sometimes when I am mad and my wife "{stays away" it upsets me more, because she won't take action or be aggressive in that department.

Sometimes she needs to "take charge" and not be the submissive one. I tell her that and she says, well I don't want to upset you. I said showing me that you care by trying to "fix the issue" by talking shows me more then you hiding.....She is getting that now.

Maybe you should be a little more demanding and pushy....demand he join you in bed, even if it is just to sleep.


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## princess

remember your wedding vows? for better or worse and all that? he should love you no matter what! i think men like that are foul and nasty, beauty is skin deep, a bit of makeup or weight loss dont change the person you really are inside.

i would say leave him (easyer said than done i know) lose ya weight and find someone else, watch him come begging you to take him back!!


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## swedish

princess said:


> remember your wedding vows? for better or worse and all that? he should love you no matter what! i think men like that are foul and nasty, beauty is skin deep, a bit of makeup or weight loss dont change the person you really are inside.


It sounds to me as if her husband was being honest with her about how he's been feeling. He himself said he did not say anything sooner because he knows it's superficial, but at least he is honest and being open with her. 

I think it's fairly common for women with self-image issues to act like a different person (less confident, possibly depressed, etc.) and in many cases it's not the extra pounds or lack of make-up that the men are missing...it's the confident woman they married. They just want her back.


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## stumped

Well I guess it doesnt really matter anymore....he just told me that its over. He doesnt want me in his life anymore =(

So I guess now its on to the healing process..........


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## stumped

So he told me its over but I still want to fight for it....does anyone have any experience with this? I understand with fighting for it, its going to cause some rejection which is going to be hard on me but how can I let him throw away 10 years without putting up the best fight of my life???


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## brenda

I think that he had his mind made up when he first approached you. You have been trying too hard to win his affection. You need to love yourself first. Moving on is a really hard thing to do, but you need to get healthy and happy and regain your confidence for yourself. If he can't love and support you through your tough times, then you should be asking yourself if he's the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Would you ever feel like you were good enough? Would he ever accept you for who you are regardless if it was 10, 20, or more lbs over weight. It may feel horrible right now, but in time this feeling will pass, and you'll find someone who loves you for you in the future. Best Wishes


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## gypsiegirl

stumped said:


> Ok I am 30 years old my husband is soon to be 37. We have been married for almost 7 years together for 9 1/2.
> 
> Over the years my weight has fluctuated and in the last 3-4 months was at its highest. I have gained 95lbs since the day we got married. I have gone on diets again and again lose some weight only to slowly put it back on. My husband has made comments encouraging, mean, nasty etc. over the years and has even said things about my weight and I guess quite honestly I never took them too seriously or we would just fight about it because I thought he was being mean.
> 
> About 2-3 months ago he told me that I had lost my confidence...that I dont care about what I look like anymore, my weight is an issue, I dont do anything with my hair anymore and all I wear is jeans and t-shirts. I completely agreed with him.....I told him he was absolutley right and that I wasnt happy with myself and I needed to change that. So I started slowly by doing my hair and putting on a little makeup (never wore much to begin with). I work in an environment that dressing up in inappropriate so I wear jeans, t-shirts and sneakers everyday. Then I started eating better and exercising since this began I have lost 30.5lbs. Well 3 weeks ago he hit me with the he didnt want to be married anymore.....and just kept saying he is unhappy.
> 
> After some time he has finally admitted that my weight is a big problem for him. My husband is a very good looking man and he said he didnt want to tell me because he thought it sounded superficial but he couldnt help how he felt.
> 
> He moved out of the bedroom 2 weeks ago and suggested that one of us needs to move out. I am afraid that no matter what I do I have already lost him. My friends that I have talked to have differing opinions. I know I am on the right track but I know in the back of his mind he is also thinking about how long will it last this time....is there anything I can do that might convince him otherwise? I know that I let this happen because I didnt take his comments seriously any advice would be helpful.
> 
> A couple of my friends are adamant that he doesnt want a divorce because he is still wearing his ring and he hasnt moved out of the house....


I have been married for 38 years, I'm fairly thin, but it has been a big battle to stay at a size 8, my husband has made it very clear that he want's me to stay slim.
On the other hand my sister is about 100# over weight, married for 30 years, her husband is fine with her weight, he loves her just the way she is.
I would say we both love our husbands the same and I feel our husbands love us the same.
Then one day, my sister's husband told my husband that he wants Nan to loose her weight, and if she doesn't he is going to leave her, WOW where did all of this come from, we all thought everything was OK! According to my husband there isn't another woman in the picture at this point, so I'm trying to figure ways myself to help her!
It's easy for me to say, just loose the weight, but I don't find that easy to say to you or her as I don't know what it would be like to loose weight. It has been a life long job to stay at my 113 to 125.
But I feel sad for you and my sister and there is many others that are facing your situation, everything is going just fine and then one day the world changes.
Now I have been a little long winded here but this is what she did and she did it on her own.
My sister knew she was loosing her husband, he moved to the LR and then when the weather warmed up he moved into there camper out in the back yard and now he has moved in with another woman about 10 years younger, they are still married but a divorce is in the works.
My sister joined weight watchers, joined curves, walks 3 miles every day, takes the stairs at work and joined a gym.
It's a year later now, they are divorced my sister (51) went from 200# to 115# and has a body most women would die for. In all of this time she has never been with another guy and hasn't seen her husband for the past 4 months, and she wants him back.
So she posted on some site how to get him back, she told her story and some one told her to find a guy half her age and make sure everyone knows your dating a young stud! She ask me what I thought! I thought that sounded interesting as I myself have never been with anyone other then my husband, but I have found that mature women get hit on by younger men all the time, so as I told her to go for it! At first I thought I wished I had kept my mouth shut but when she opened her eyes she had her pick of guys half her age, she found a guy that had a good job, work in construction like her husband does, and she got very brave, dressed like a woman half her age and had a great time for about 2 months, once her ex saw with his own eyes he went nuts and found her one night bumping and grinding with two guys at a dance, her husband ended up getting beat up pretty bad, but he did end up with Nan, they are together again and planning there marriage for the second time.
So, I would say there is always hope, it's up to you find the help and save your marriage if that is what you want.

I'm sorry this was so drawn out but I have tried posting this several times but just couldn't agree with myself it was the right thing to say, so I just did it.

One other thing I would like to mention is even thou I'm very lucky to maintain my weight I have different problems which I will post whenever I get the nerve and figure how to say what's on my mind.


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## stumped

Thanks for all the responses....I am still at my wits end because his words and his actions sometimes dont coincide.

He told me its over...yet we went out to dinner together and watched movies together over the weekend, as well as still talk all the time which I know is part of a "routine'. He hates his job, we are having some money problems and he finally admitted that he is depressed and nothing makes him happy right now. 

He has told me a couple times that I deserve better than him and he bashes himself almost like he is feeling guilty for what he is doing....he cried about it said it isnt suppossed to be this way...but he doesnt want to work on it. Im so confused!!! So I have just been trying to be supportive and also give him his space. We decided no one was going to move out because we cant afford to have two seperate households.


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## brenda

If you truely want him back I think that you need to stop letting him treat you like a push over. He is totally having his cake and eating it to. He doesn't want to try to work things out, but he doesn't want to move on either?? You need to reclaim your self worth and not allow him to dictate to treat you like this. You might waste another few years living with a man that your not in a relationship with, when you could have been working on getting over this situation, and improving how you feel about yourself. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but he is totally taking advantage of you in this situation. He can't just sit on the fence when it comes to your emotions, he needs to either work on your relationship, or you two should seperate


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## jumper21

I'm the husband in your situation. (not really but I have the same problem with my wife. 
Here is my quick analysis (typical male and what I would want)

warning: You asked for an honest opinion. 

1) YOU ARE AWESOME!! Lost 30lbs?! You're a freak of nature!! That is GREAT!!! How are things coming along now? You do still have 65lbs to go. Keep that up. Remember though, until you lose all 95 lbs or about 90 lbs, you are still over weight. So DON'T GIVE UP. Keep it up. 
The reality is My wife has lost about 20 lbs and still is over 40 lbs. I'm still unhappy and not satisfied at all. So DONT Give Up. 

2) Confidence Issue - I think what you are doing is Ok. The hair and clothes are good, but you have to remember you are still overweight in his eyes. From your writing, it sounds like you are an out going person. What does your husband like to do? More importantly are you doing what makes you shine the most? I would do things that you can enjoy as well as giving your husband his time to do things that he likes as well.

3) Communication - Now that you are on the brinks anyways. Talk to him about different things. Learn about his opinions on moral, political, or interest issues. You should have an opinion but do NOT BASH his opinion. Talk to him about things openly, like your marriage and weight issues. Keep reminding him that you have a goal to be 95 lbs less by a certain date. He'll look forward to that date. Just say, let's talk about it and make sure you understand his view and he understands yours. If he says something about you, your response shouldn't be a defensive one. Say something like "I didn't know you thought that. That is interesting."

Overall you are very good person. You are doing what it takes to make it happen. It will be hard, but your husband is right. Remember that he knows what HE wants. You just need to find that out and do it for him. Then you can state what you want, since you're right about what YOU want. Let him know that as well. 

Good luck


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## stumped

So update on my situation......I am still losing weight but its been slow so going to kick it up a notch some and start exercising like crazy! Cause I am starting to get a little discourage (weight loss is 36.5 now) 

Hubby is still in the other room.....we dont really talk about "us" or our relationship we talk about everything else though. I did buy the Light my Fire course and started listening to it last night. Seems to have a lot of really good information....hope it works. There is a homework assignment so I will see how that goes!


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## Chopblock

I just wanted to say I'm glad you are sticking with it, and don't get discouraged. Weight loss is tough cuz sometimes your body just doesn't cooperate. I've encouraged my gf, whose progress has slowed but who remains motivated, to keep at it. The only way to succeed is to stay the course.

Are you seeing a trainer or a nutritionist? Get academic and technical here. Perhaps you could meet with a professional who could design a workout plan for you to meet your goals.

Also (not sure if this was mentioned earlier) but I'm pretty sure with weight loss, you need to vary up the activity. Your progress may have slowed cuz your body is now used to waht you are doing. Are there other activities you can try like hiking, bike riding, skiing, surfing... to mix up the action?


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## stumped

Chopblock said:


> I just wanted to say I'm glad you are sticking with it, and don't get discouraged. Weight loss is tough cuz sometimes your body just doesn't cooperate. I've encouraged my gf, whose progress has slowed but who remains motivated, to keep at it. The only way to succeed is to stay the course.
> 
> Are you seeing a trainer or a nutritionist? Get academic and technical here. Perhaps you could meet with a professional who could design a workout plan for you to meet your goals.
> 
> Also (not sure if this was mentioned earlier) but I'm pretty sure with weight loss, you need to vary up the activity. Your progress may have slowed cuz your body is now used to waht you are doing. Are there other activities you can try like hiking, bike riding, skiing, surfing... to mix up the action?


Thanks for the encouragement!!!! I know I am losing weight because the scale is going down and my clothes are too big but when I look in the mirror I dont see a big difference I guess thats because I see myself everyday hahahaha

Unfortuantley a trainer/nutritionist isnt in the financial scope of things for me right now. I have to be honest the exercising has not been a very regular thing I would do some cardio a couple times a week and did the weight circuit at the gym a couple times. I was trying to approach the weight loss thing with baby steps I was afraid that if I changed my diet and hit the exercise hard I might get overwhelmed and fall off the wagon. 

But now it is clear that diet alone is not going to give me the results I want. I think that cardio is the main thing I need to do right now. I have been doing research online and everything I come across says cardio for weight loss and also some strength training to help keep your current muscles. Insight in this topic would be greatly appreciated as well =)

As far as different activites I am not oppossed to them. I have never really hiked but have always wanted to....just means I have to find someone to go with!


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## Amplexor

Congrats Stumped that’s great. :smthumbup: The first pounds come off the easiest. Keep up the great work and do this for your self as much as for him. Need someone to hike with you? Sounds like a great opportunity to get hubby involved. Something to do together to help continue to build those bonds. Good luck.


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## Chopblock

My gf is the same way: "I don't see it, I don't see it". She wants to look in the mirror tomorrow and see a stick staring back at her :/. It just doesn't work that way.

You are right that dieting alone won't do it -- your body just becomes used to less. Cardio will help immensely. Also, if you do weight training, remember muscle weighs more than fat, so while the scale won't go down, your shape will still change.

As far as the trainer being out of budget... make sure you actually look into it. A trainer does not have to cost $200+ per hour. Look around and see what you can find -- don't just go through gyms, look in the phone book or on line. 

Even if its $100 for one session, it probably is worth it. You can tell a professional what you want, and have that person craft a workout for you that will get the results you want. You can then have a follow up session a month or two later to re-evaluate. Even if you have to charge that on a CC, it is an investment in yourself and the payoff is WAY worth it. When you are at a lower rate, you might save money in insurance premiums, and gas (carting around less weight). If you have any vices like starbucks or eating out, I bet you could find the money with some budget trimming. I'm just saying don't write it off immediately -- the benefit can be incredible. I watched my mom lose 85+ lbs (and she was in her 50s at the time) doing that.


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## stumped

Amplexor said:


> Congrats Stumped that’s great. :smthumbup: The first pounds come off the easiest. Keep up the great work and do this for your self as much as for him. Need someone to hike with you? Sounds like a great opportunity to get hubby involved. Something to do together to help continue to build those bonds. Good luck.


He isnt really the outdoorsy type....but I will ask him cant hurt!


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## swedish

Hi stumped,

You are bound to hit plateaus along the way, but ignore the scale during those times! Even if you have stuck with it for a week and see no results, it will happen from time to time and results are soon to follow. If you don't like to exercise, baby steps is not a bad idea...long walks to slow jogs, etc. As far as weight training, it's good to include it and a good rule of thumb is that if the last 2-3 reps seem easy, it's time to add a little weight or do a few more reps. If you are sore the next day or two, it's not a bad idea to let your body recover in between workouts. Use those days for lighter walking or cardio if you can.

Keep it up--take some pictures of yourself....so if you are not happy with looking in the mirror you can compare them down the road


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## Chopblock

Hehehehe: my mom put a picture of herself at her biggest on the treadmill when she was on it. She'd look at it and say "you aren't coming back, EVER"


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## jumper21

Diet does actually work. Exercise will do wonders as well. But don't exercise and eat more or unhealthy foods. One of the best diets I've seen is calorie watching. Makes a lot of sense once you do some research on it. there are calculators that will tell you how much calorie you should be eating if you are striving for a certain weight. I tried it and it works!!!

Good Luck


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## brenda

Stumped ...... I am so happy to read your latest pots, you sound full of energy, and confidence, and your main focus is YOU!! not your husband, which I think is GREAT!! 

I hope that you reach and maintain your goal. Keep on going!! you should join a running room or some kind of fitness group, it's a great way to meet other healthly minded people, get motivated and support. 

You shouldn't pay too close attention to the scale. Start measuring your bust, waste and hips every two weeks. Don't forget that muscle weights more then fat. 

You need to do some light weight training, having muscle will burn fat a lot quicker. If your going to start cardio, join a class. It's a lot harder to quit in the middle of a class, then if your doing it on your own.


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## Missy

Weig nt isnt the only issue. He feels you havent loved him enough to take care of yourself and all the times before you let yourself go. Making him feel insecure about your relationship because your lack of confidence is the same as his. This is actually very common and I have experienced myself. My husband didnt go as far as to move out of the room, but he did make the comments. I didnt lose weight for my husband. I lost weight for myself. That was the difference this time. I went on my own and did the programs to help me get on the right track. His first comment was "are you gonna stick to this one".. I understood his comment as I had never fully committed to changing before. Tell him to give you 6 months to work on yourself. Stay married and build your confidence. Weight issues are not always about food, but more about self confidence and lack there of. Do small things like go on dates together. Once he see's you are serious and that you are fully committed to change he will most likely soften. Mine has and even though I have worked on my weight for a year and not all the way to my goal, I look, feel, and act better. My husband now tells me everyday how proud he is of me for being committed to myself first and foremost.
Missy


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## Sharpie

I have battled my weight my entire life. Its an everyday struggle that I hate. 

Diet is number one when you are trying to lose. I think that losing 37lbs is amazing!! Great work. If you want to continue to lose weight you need to continue to eat less and less. 

That sucks. Its hard to know how much you need to eat in a day. I did the Weight Watcher plan. It does a points system but I also sat down and figured out what my daily intake of calories are. I am in the same boat with money. I couldnt justify paying for the meetings so I did it on my own. I had even joined a group of girls who were emailing back and forth our daily intake of food. That way its open for new ideas and tips on how to adjust your diet.

But there comes a point where you cant deny yourself food or you will begin to gain weight or stall. Exercise is where I am also at in my diet. I try to go for walks with the kids, exercise videos, and bike rides. I just really cant maintain a regular workout cycle. I have to pay for a gym. If Im paying for it I will use it. I also just like to go and stare at the women I want to look like.

If you check into your job or health insurance you can sometimes get gym discounts.Also cheap ways to get motivation are magazine like Shape are great motivators. Going to the library and getting cooking books are really helpful too.

Good luck to you!!:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## emeraldblue

i was just reading all these replies and thought id add a little something.....agreed, you have to loose it for yourself, and, im sure you love your husband very much or you wouldnt be reaching out to him, but, concentrate on yourself......if he comes around, he does, if he doesnt, you have a healthier you!!!


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## anotheryear

Not sure if you are still checking replies, but I wanted to comment on how much I admire you for keeping with it...both the weight loss and the relationship. 

I did have a similar situation with my husband wanting to sleep in another room for years. He claimed it was "for me"--different reason every night from my insomnia to waiting up for teens to come home to just falling asleep on the couch. Turns out the real problem was a serious porn addiction. Just something to think about. Your situation sounds different in lots of ways, but it might explain why he isn't attracted any more...comparing you to unrealistic images.


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## stumped

anotheryear said:


> Not sure if you are still checking replies, but I wanted to comment on how much I admire you for keeping with it...both the weight loss and the relationship.
> 
> I did have a similar situation with my husband wanting to sleep in another room for years. He claimed it was "for me"--different reason every night from my insomnia to waiting up for teens to come home to just falling asleep on the couch. Turns out the real problem was a serious porn addiction. Just something to think about. Your situation sounds different in lots of ways, but it might explain why he isn't attracted any more...comparing you to unrealistic images.


He does look at porn occasionally but its not anything that him or I as ever kept a secret...I know some women freak out about it but it doesnt bother me. I would say he might go to a site maybe once or twice a month if that.


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## Mrs. Negestie

I am have been reading your story and I just want to say that the steps you are taking are the right ones keep up the good work and you keep up with the weight loss and dont work to hard on it because like you said it will consume you.


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## stumped

Mrs. Negestie said:


> I am have been reading your story and I just want to say that the steps you are taking are the right ones keep up the good work and you keep up with the weight loss and dont work to hard on it because like you said it will consume you.


Thanks I am trying!


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## MarkTwain

Stumped!

First let me say you are an incredible woman, you are in a tough situation and you are moving forward, it's just fantastic. 

I feel your husband's tactics are a bit harsh, but perhaps he really really loves you.

I think you can hang on to your husband and have a bright future, but you will have to be a super sleuth. It's obvious that it is you that will have to do the "heavy lifting" in the relationship.

However, there is one thing I noticed in one of your posts that I really want to focus on...

You said that until hubby "pulled the plug", you were having sex 2 or 3 times a week. Now he apparently goes without. Believe you me, this is significant. A man who is used to that much sex can't simply cut himself off so easily. So I think it might be indicative of something, but at this stage, I am not sure what. However, if you really tune into him, you might just find out.

I hope I am not being too familiar here, but I have a suggestion for getting him back into your bed:

You need to find his hot button! There are two ways of doing this. The easy way is to cast your mind back to everything you have ever done with him sexually, and score each activity in terms of how excited he got. You might come up with pure gold! Also you can rack your brains for things he might have said in the past that revealed what he finds HOT.

The hard way, (but the best way if you can steal yourself) if to use what a friend of mine calls "SONAR". Basically, you drop very tiny hints, and stand back. Make a throw away comment in the morning, and never mention it again. try different things, use your imagination. This is like sending a "Ping" from your SONAR.

If you try enough little things, you will get an "echo" back eventually. Here is an over the top example:

Some men like having their butts slapped. I would estimate 25% of men are into this! so if you were wanting to try this out, you have two options. Timing is everything. Wait until he is in a good mood, and he has done something "naughty"...

Method one: Say to him "I aught to slap your butt for that, young man". 

Method two: Slap his butt as you walk past him.

Once you have done either of these things, pretend it never happened. Go shopping, or leave the room. You need to let it percolate. It is vital that you be as cool as a cucumber, so that he has to do a double take. "Did that just happen?" should be running through his mind. Also, your timing might be off, so you need to try each thing at least 3 times. If he does not get madder and madder, he probably likes it.

Anyway, once you have found his hot button, he will be so wound up, he will be beside himself. So the next phase is not to try to get him into bed. Nope! Let him make the moves. But when he does finally get physical, make sure you deliver on whatever you found that turned him on. If it was the slapping, do it some more, and if he seems to approve, do it even more.


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