# How to deal with husbands past lie.



## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

First let me start off by saying that I am new here. Very new, specifically joined this page to ask this question, and I truly need some help.

I am young. 18 going on 19. I am newly married. My husband and I have been together for just over 2 years and are expecting a daughter this coming October. 

My husband is a declared sex addict and I being young and in love clearly have no problem with that, however things have been difficult for us in the past and I have handled it the way I think best. 

My husband used to be completely obsessed with the thought of donating his sperm. Not for money, but to "spread his seed" and the thought truly sickened me. About a year ago he left his computer on a donor page (after I had already begged him to get away from all that sort of stuff) I said something to him and as far as I was concerned it was over. 

My husband has an email account that he never uses, usually has about 2000 un-read emails in it. Seriously never uses it.

Earlier this morning I checked his email, because the bill notices go to his account and I was checking up on one. By accident I clicked the "sent" folder instead of "inbox" and noticed an email that was sent out, by him. It was sent out roughly 6 months ago, which ironically was an extremely happy time in our relationship and was about a month before we conceived our child. Anyway I opened the email and read it. 
Now I wish I hadn't. It was him going back and forth with a woman about him donating his sperm, he had sent her pictures oh himself and given his number and information about himself to her. There hasn't been any recent emails between the two but I am seriously worried about the situation. They were keeping in touch, as if he wanted to know if something has happened. The emails say nothing about whether he actually did the deed or not, but I am worried. 

Because this was months ago do I say something to him or just try and let it go. He told me last year when I found out about the donation site that he would never go back to anything like it. 
Please help. Do I say something?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry you are here. This is a rather disgusting situation. 

First...are you saying your husband is a sex addict just because he wants the two of you to have sex a lot? Or is he going outside the marriage, hooking up on dating sites, etc? Because a high sex drive does not indicate sex addiction. 

Second...him donating sperm without his wife's consent is a moral abomination. In the emails to this other woman...were they discussing actually having sex, or was he directing her to where he makes his "deposits"? (EW!) Your husband needs therapy, I have never heard of someone obsessing about this, and I think MC is for sure in order for the two of you, should you choose to stay with him after this!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How did he propose to this woman to "donate"? Was he looking for money? Did she also send pics?

Generally, when one legitimately wants to donate, they go through the proper channels which is a licensed donation center that filters applicants appropriately and follows government and health protocols. This sounds more like - made an ad on Craigslist.

Also - who declared your husband a sex addict? He has said himself he's a sex addict, or he's actually been diagnosed by a professional? How's he addressing that? Is he going to therapy? While you might be "young and in love" now - please read some other threads about where your relationship could head if he doesn't address these issues now. 

Personally, with this declaration of needing to "spread his seed" - I'd be concerned about potential birth control sabotage. So - I might recommend against relying on him being the responsibility party.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

The woman never sent any pictures to him, and he specifically said that he didn't want money, just wanted to help her. There was no discussion on how the donation would have been made which is something else that worries me. 

I put in there that he is an addict to see if maybe the connection between the addiction and donation are common?

Also there has never been any birth control sabotage. We decided together to start a family and my pregnancy was a planned one. I know I can get over it, the only problem I am having is if I should confront him about the situation or not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Who says he is a sex addict though? The term gets thrown around blithely by people who really have no clue. 

If I were you I would not confront. I would start digging. Put a keylogger on his computer, his phone, whatever, and see what else he's up to.

I'll reserve any other advice till I hear how he was diagnosed as a sex addict, because it really does make a difference.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

An online therapist declared him. And the more I read up about it the more he fits every single "symptom"


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

He'd better be careful. There are stories of generous men like your husband that are on child support and are not happy about it. Bringing children in the world isn't just some hobby. It's work and a serious financial responsibility. Some of these women accept the donation and realize raising a child causes a financial strain and then want help. Does he really want to be in that situation?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mrs. Pearce said:


> An online therapist declared him. And the more I read up about it the more he fits every single "symptom"


So they never actually even saw him in person? Did he do a polygraph? Was this online therapist even a CSAT?

What does he say about being labelled as a sex addict? What is he doing about it, now that he has this diagnosis?


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

When I first confronted him about this a year ago I asked him if he did go threw with it without me knowing if he had thought about that, and he said that if he ever was going to do it he was going to write up his own contract and have whoever the woman was sign it. But that was a year ago. I know he wouldn't want to be in that situation especially knowing were having our own child.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

He doesn't do anything about it. He deals with it and has never seen anyone about it and I know that he never will


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Mrs. Pearce said:


> Because this was months ago do I say something to him or just try and let it go. He told me last year when I found out about the donation site that he would never go back to anything like it.
> Please help. Do I say something?


Once you have determined that they are lying and concealing (you have), you need to implement a spy policy to determine the extent of it. Check cell phone, computer, etc.

If you let on that you found this before you collect and save evidence, he'll destroy evidence and drive whatever he is doing deeper underground. 

Print out the emails. 

When you confront him, ask if he contacted anyone after your agreement. See if he fesses up before you put the evidence in front of him. If he doesn't then you are in a spot where the only thing he confesses to is what you can already prove. So it will be worse than you know.

The sex addict thing has not been made pertinent here in any way. Is this a problem in any respects? How so?


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

I have gone through other emails, checked his Facebook account, cell phone calls and texts. Yes there are other emails but they are emails from over a year ago, which are the ones I have already confronted him about and therefore mean nothing to the situation.

I was just wondering on if maybe someone thought there could be a connection between the sex addict thing and the donation thing


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sex addiction is a complicated thing, 'sperm donation' could very well be his code word for screwing around. If he really feels a compulsion to father as many offspring as he can, that's not sex addiction. 

And if he really is a sex addict and he isn't getting any treatment, you need to seriously reconsider your relationship. Because he WILL continue to act out, and by allowing yourself to remain with an untreated sex addict, you are a codependent. You say you know he never will get treatment? What exactly do you know about sex addiction? How can you just roll over and accept this from him? How can you accept that from the father of your child?

You are VERY young. And pregnant. SO I am sure you have no intentions of listening to me. I'm an old fart who has 3 kids older than you, and I am married to a sex addict. But I am going to say it anyway.

GET OUT of this marriage. NOW. Run far far away. Do whatever it takes, just get out. There is NOTHING but heartache in your future if you keep this man in your life.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

I joined this site to take advice. Clearly you telling me to run is something I am not going to listen to but I still welcome the advice. My assumption is that he wouldn't do therapy or any of the sort. But I have never actually asked him to. Maybe he would. 
I don't just roll over and take it. We discuss it. I do still trust him and maybe you will call me dumb and young but I am not a stupid teenager. I am an adult, I am more mature than you could ever imagine. You can not judge me without knowing me though, so DONT. 
Ive gone through so much and don't plan on losing my husband. So please do not tell me to run. Because I never will.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How can you be married to someone who is a self proclaimed sex addict and never discuss it with him?!

I know what it takes to be married to one, and 95% of the work is on him. If he isn't doing a single thing to recover, there really is no hope.

I am sorry you don't like my dose of reality, but I'm not going to tell you anything but the truth.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

Also to Hope1964, it is very hypocritical of you to tell me to run from my marriage and husband because of the sex addict thing, when you yourself are married to a sex addict and have been married for quite a long time. So why would I run when you haven't?


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

And I stated that we do discuss it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Read my story - the link's in my sig. Like I said, it is NOT something to do lightly. I did end it. The only reason we're together today is because of the hard work he's doing.

What I should have said is that you never discuss therapy with him. Sex addicts don't just miraculously recover on their own. They need treatment. The very first thing a spouse has to demand is that the addict get treated.

You say he is dealing with it. What exactly is he doing to deal with it? Would you stay married to a drug addict or alcoholic if they refused to get treatment?

I am hoping that you will just think about this stuff, seriously, before you find yourself in the throes of dealing with a baby and his out of control addiction in a year or two.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

Listen this post wasn't about him being a sex addict it was me asking if I should confront him about sending an email about giving his sperm away.

big difference.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

This would be very disturbing to me as a wife. Outside of talking to him about this I don't know what you can do about it. He apparently doesn't have any problem going behind your back and doing what he wants even after confronting him about the other emails.

I think consoling is in order if you can get him to do it. Even if he does you may want to make sure he's not doing it again because it still might not stop.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You brought up the sex addiction. I'm sorry you're not getting the answers you wanted to. You yourself said that you don't even know how he 'donated' this sperm, or if he even did. If he IS a sex addict, the donation method is highly suspicious.

I also said I don't think you should confront, but start snooping. Gather evidence and see what else he's been up to. Monitor whatever activities he's doing that have you convinced he's a sex addict. Arm yourself, then when you DO confront him, tell him that him seeking treatment is a condition of you agreeing to remain married to him.

Not 100% of cheaters are sex addicts, but pretty much 100% of married sex addicts are cheaters.


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## Mrs. Pearce (Jun 3, 2013)

In the past the way that he was going to donate was not doing it through sex. And within the 8 years of us being together he has never cheated on me and I do know that for a fact and I am not concerned about him cheating at all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well if you're not worried about him cheating, either he isn't really a sex addict, or you are not familiar with what exactly a sex addict is. Or you're in complete denial.

You've been together 8 years and you're 18?!?! Something doesn't add up here. I'll leave you with the thoughts I've already put down and not come back to this thread, since it's hard to tell what's true and what isn't, and you don't want to hear my advice anyway. Good luck to you, I really do mean that.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Yeah - so, which is true, that you are 18, or that you've been together 8 years? If both are true, there's a whole different set of problems going on here.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Mrs. Pearce said:


> In the past the way that he was going to donate was not doing it through sex. And *within the 8 years of us being together *he has never cheated on me and I do know that for a fact and I am not concerned about him cheating at all.


Is the part in bold a typo???

Are you saying you have been with him since you were 10 or 11?
Not friends, or known each other, but actually *been together as boyfriend/girlfriend?* If he truly a sex addict have you though about what he will do when you have the baby and the shop is closed? I hope you don't end up pregnant on your first trip back to the Dr! That happen to my sister and did some baby damage to her body that never healed.

But anyway, if you have even known him and been with him that long, do you have any clues as to how he develop the obsession with spreading his seed? And the sex obsession? If you were with him during his formative years, maybe something would be brought to mind. 



I can truly understand how you feel about coming on a forum for help and the advice you get is to dump your husband (no offense to Hopeful at all either). That is very disheartening and discouraging. I hope you two can get the help you need. Maybe you can get a few sessions of counseling to see if it anything you can do to help him get help.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Oh geez where do I start. Calling a teenage boy a sex addict is simply redundant. All teenage boys are sex addicts, but only some actually get to practice it. By the way, sex addiction as a diagnosis from an online therapist or whatever is a complete joke and should not be considered a real diagnosis. The desire to spread his seed through donation shows an immaturity that a few mortgage and child support payments will cure in a hurry. He's just a boy with boyhood fantasies. He's clearly not ready for marriage or fatherhood because he has no idea about lifes consequences.

I'm sorry your life has led you to have a child and get married at 18, but clearly both of you are not ready for what's ahead. Hopefully you both have a support network to help you raise that unfortunate child.


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