# Advice on my situation



## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

So, I've posted my story a couple of times, but here is the short and sweet. We both were fat - morbidly - had surgery at the same time. She lost her excess weight faster than me and is getting lots of attention. While I have about another 80lbs to go (Lost over 200 so far), she tells me she hasn't been happy for a long time.

First time she has ever opened up. Basically she hasn't been attracted to me in forever ... well duh, i was close to 500lbs. So I let that pass. Problem is now, I am below the weight when we met and way below when we married... So I found out she wasn't attracted when we married. (well thanks for 11 years) 

I know I am a great catch. I am 35, have a great job, all of my hair, my face is handsome (at least my mom says so , only 1 10 year old son who is awesome, and I am working out now. I know once I lose the rest of this gut, I am going to be getting a lot more attention (already getting plenty from the 6's) But heck, I know I will be an 8 or so. My wife is a solid 7 normally and can get up to an 8 when she "fakes" it (pushup bras, cinchers, high heels, etc.) 

I had completely fallen for her again, but now her flaws are coming through, including my disgust for the decade of a lie. She even had talked about separating, but say she is lazy and doesn't want to have to go through dating again ( I am the very first guy she even talked to so she regrets not having a more fun 20's) I don't think there is another guy involved, even though I know she likes/adores a couple of guys she works with. Both are younger than her (she is 30), and good looking. One is an ex-army guy and she likes him b/c of the whole went to iraq thing - even though his wife left b/c he can't hold a job. The other is 20 and in school to be a physician assistant. Kinda hard to compete with kids.... So she doesn't like them for money, but just strictly looks... I guess b/c she knows she could do ok by herself (which she mentioned before about being independent { which is code for I want to hook up with hot single guys } ) 

Anyhow, I know once I become "attractive" to her, she will fall madly in love. She already wants to spoon every night, sex on every day she is off (She is an RN and works 3 days weekly so sex 4 times weekly) , so thats how I know there is no other to compete with, just the thoughts of one. I know what she likes, dislikes, etc. I know her inside and out and loved her fat, and I do feel like I love her more skinny, but I am sure it's lust. Either way, I never felt I would leave her, but now I am disgusted that she would even consider it. So I have had these horrible feelings of letting her fall in love with me all over again, then dropping her. Is that selfish of me, and should I forgive and forget? 

I see all the other problems you guys are having and mine seems petty. But it's pretty big for me... I have learned how to be more alpha male ( Was younger, but betatized after marriage, but now balance both ), and I know that is what she mainly wants. I just want to let her go so she can experience that the grass isn't always greener... especially when those 20+ year olds get 30, and she is 45, and they dump her, or when they start balding or plumping up.... Just pissed...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Congrats on the weight loss! That must feel awesome!

Attraction has many facets. While appearance is important, it's not everything. You may want to read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. It may help both of your reconnect and really understand each other better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It does sound like your wife has betrayed you. Or at the very least she’s rewritten history. Either way, real or fictitious betrayal will feel the same to you. But you are doing so well and I have to advise you not to walk the path of revenge. What you are talking about is passive, covert aggression. A massive shet test on your wife executed over what, a year, two years? I think PA is both wicked and evil and it’ll come back to you in some form or other.


Rather than walk the path of bitterness, resentment and revenge, walk the path of forgiveness, empathy and compassion and never stray from it. That way you will make your mind as healthy as your body. Work on your mind, spirit and soul as well as your body. Get into Buddhism, things like that if they appeal to you at this stage of your journey.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah, i go back & forth with what i should do. I am to the point that i don't care what she does, & completely focused on me. I was spying on her, asking questions, etc...now I've almost employed the 180, to some extent. Since she isn't cheating, i do give some attention. I do enjoy holding her, & she loves it. 

Eventually i think once her attitude changes into mad love, i will cave & forgive bc i do love her very much so. I do want to see her happy. She has been a good mother, & she is in am early mlc fog, hence the infatuation with younger guys. But again, looking around, i just see so many husbands my age who have just let themselves go. They have been completely betatized. Their clothes consists of free tshirts, raggedy shoes, 80s jeans..so i can see exactly why communication is the key. The other spouse doesn't want to hurt feelings because it is thought of as selfish...so instead cheating or leaving is the better option. 
I just know in my situation, i was her first, but she doesn't realize how lucky she got. I assume she thinks there are plenty like me & even better. Ummmm..she's wrong. I can't remember the last time i called her a mean name, or not got her what she wanted, vacations, new cars, home, clothes...haha, then the bedroom...if I'm down less than 30 min, then it was a bad day...or sex lasts a couple hours & she climaxes a few times...good luck with that, especially with the twenties  so, i think I'm great. I help around the house, dishes, laundry, cleaning, yard work, pool boy...again, i was fat & ugly...one benefit of being fat in your 20s is that teaches you to not to be like that again, especially in your years that more health issues appear. Not to mention the fat in the face has delayed the onset of wrinkles. So i am a 35 year old man who looks 25...so there is me tooting my own horn.


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