# Need advice



## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

I used to be the "Mr. Nice guy" and always tried to please my wife. I was an orbiter, and she was what i orbited. I took advice on here to read "no more mr nice guy" and "the married man sex life primer" and for a while things were going great. I invested in me, i have lost 60 lbs and look really good now. I am my own man and dont cave into her manipulation anymore. I hold my ground instead of letting it go to her. Things had been going great. She was closer to me, nicer to me, wanted to be around me. Now she is back to treating my kids better than me, is all over them. She acts like shes married to them. She says I used to be all over her and talk to her all the time now im not. Well, our marriage was awful before. She walked all over me, acted like she wanted nothing to do with me. We are not fighting as much, but any clue whats goin on?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

She's using the kids as a substitute for you. You stopped responding and she turned to the people who HAVE to respond to her... kids responding to a parent.

When she was closer to you and nicer to you, did you respond in kind? The whole idea is to get her to that point and then act as adults to each other. If she was the only one trying to right the ship and you didn't respond, she put her attention elsewhere.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the sex? Do you two have a marriage? If so, get to counseling. If not, divorce and go find someone that doesn't suck the will to live out of you and wants your d!ck everyday. That's what I did! Funny, I separated a few weeks after reading NMMNG. I need to read it again for a refresher, great stuff!


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## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

How do I fix this now? Thank you!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

HHMMM - sounds like she has found a way to get your attention. When you say she is treating the kids better than you - what do you mean?

Try rewarding her good behavior and not her bad behavior. It's good that you set up your boundaries on how you will be treated and in standing up for yourself. Now you have to figure out what she wants and needs and provide it to her in the right way - that you have not been doing that caused her to step back from you again! There is a fine balance and it sounds like you have just tilted from one far end to another maybe. Find the balance of not letting her walk all over you - but you still are providing her with what she needs and wants!


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## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

Sex had been way better, the last time was flat. She never tells me no about sex and is great in that. But since she has had two cesarians its painful during sex. Still never says no. But the sex had been way better after my change now its bad again.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

So if the pattern keeps up, she'll start to mistreat your kids eventually. It's so strange this happens, you make your wife the center of your world and she mistreats you. You start ignoring her and focus attention on yourself and she starts desiring you. The she starts ignoring you again. I confess I don't get it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Are you doing a map?
You can't just become an awesome independent man. You have to maintain and deepen intimacy.

That involves sharing your vulnerability and tweeking her brain.

If you were trying to involve her in an affair with you, what would you say and how would you say it? What kind of plans would you ask her to make with you?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Maybe the relationship is too much work for what she gets out of it. As in, she would rather be single than have to treat your wants and needs as equal in importance to her own.

It happened to me. XW ignored my needs by running up bills, withholding sex, not helping out around the house, etc.

I demanded better, she tried for a bit (like your W) then slacked off. She admitted the effort needed to meet my need was not "worth it". What my ex wanted was for me to orbit around and meet her need while suppressing my own.

You need to reach out to your W and clear the air. Affirm the validity of both your needs and note that she only managed to try for you for a short while. Ask her to explain herself but be prepared for an unpleasant truth.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT (Mar 7, 2017)

I talked to her today. She is very unhappy that she is so heavy while ive lost 60 lbs. She feels very insecure. She said she was sorry she didnt realize she was treating me that way. I get the feeling she tries to pull away to get me to go back to chasing her and trying to please her, but idk. She says she does not feel sexy or feel good about herself "weight", im guessing that has some bearing on her. Since we talked today its been better, but we will see. She is very intimidated im looking so good while shes stuck. She has asked if i am still attracted to her. She thinks im going to go get a skinny little thing. Im a very loyal man, dont look at porn or anything. I let her know i have eyes for her only.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> I talked to her today. *She is very unhappy that she is so heavy while ive lost 60 lbs. She feels very insecure.* She said she was sorry she didnt realize she was treating me that way. I get the feeling she tries to pull away to get me to go back to chasing her and trying to please her, but idk. *She says she does not feel sexy or feel good about herself "weight"*, im guessing that has some bearing on her. Since we talked today its been better, but we will see. She is very intimidated im looking so good while shes stuck. She has asked if i am still attracted to her. *She thinks im going to go get a skinny little thing*. Im a very loyal man, dont look at porn or anything. I let her know i have eyes for her only.


A couple of thoughts. First as part of your Get a Life program and weight loss what sports have you taken up?

Has your wife every been interested in any exercise programs or sports?

One of Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders concepts is shared recreational activities. For example I know some couples that golf together weekly, others that go bowling, others that play bridge, others that do western line dancing, others who go to flea markets or auctions, go wine tasting, go bicycling, go running, go swimming, go hiking, go for "walks on the beach,"......you get the picture.

What group activities could you do with your wife? What activities could you include your kids on? You can take small children on walks in a stroller, or on bike seat carriers or pull behind bike trailers. 

Figure out how to help your wife, without directing her in her weight loss fitness program.

I remember a call in radio show where a woman complained about her husband not being able to loose weight and the talk show personality said that it is impossible to motivate a man to loose weight, as he has to want to do it. Someone called in and said no; it is so easy. It is easy because he is your husband and you know him, his wants and desires and what you don't let him have. 

The caller said that she told her husband that for every 5 pounds he lost, he could buy her a sexy outfit to wear in the bedroom and she would model it and strut around and then jump into bed with it on. The caller said she had to tell her husband to slow down as she was afraid he was loosing weight too fast.

Obviously, that will probably not work for your wife. But the point is you are her husband. Be supportive. Ask her how you can be supportive. 

Can you take the kids so she can have a night at the gym once or twice a week. Can you and your kids got on a Nutra-system diet with her? Are there some motivational rewards that would help her support her weight loss plan (spa days for each 5 points, new outfit with shoes for each 10 pounds, a cruise or family vacation someplace she wants to go when she reaches her weight loss goal). Are there any recreational activities, walking, riding bikes, jogging, hiking, that she might enjoy with you and/or the kids?

Tell her you are proud that she wants to work on improving herself as you want her to live a really long time so the two of you can grow old together and loosing weight and getting a healthier lifestyle will improve the odds a lot.

Again, this has to be her choice, her plan, and you are there to support, motivate and reward her.

Good luck.

P.S. Congratulations on dropping out of the nice guy club! Not an easy thing to do.


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