# iPhone text recovery



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I feel like puking right now but I convinced my husband to backup his old iPhone (he just got a new one) now I don't know what to do about recovering the texts from the back up. Can't fool with it tonight and probably won't sleep a wink tonight. Ugh! I keep seeing a program posted on here but can't find it now. Anyone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70909-suspecting-wife-may-cheating-2.html#post1592772


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Thank you. I was looking in all the wrong places!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Thank you. I was looking in all the wrong places!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You betcha! Also found this site in a thread:

How to Recover iMessage from iPhone


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

And this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...lly-need-help-she-cheating-6.html#post1607723

Ok, I'm out...good luck with what you seek!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Argh, I don't know which one is the easiest to work with, or the best?

Any ideas, anyone! ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

they have a pop up window you can click on and see what will work best.


Computer & Cell Phone Monitoring Device | Covert Surveillance Software


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

The best and free out there.
Search. ibackupbot.

It will read that file that it backs up, and spits out texts, pictures, voice memos, voice mails, call logs, notepad notes. everything.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Letdown, just be sure this is something you want to really see. I have the secret phone in my posession and I torture myself every day reading the texts. Are you sure you want to put yourself through that? I understand the need to know is strong though, gl
Its a tough spot to be in.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

roostr said:


> Letdown, just be sure this is something you want to really see. I have the secret phone in my posession and I torture myself every day reading the texts. Are you sure you want to put yourself through that? I understand the need to know is strong though, gl
> Its a tough spot to be in.


I dont WANT to but I need to know. Ive been doing this a long time!!


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I know just what you mean and how you feel. Please let me know how you make out with that as I will do the same thing with the iphone assuming it works. Mine has been deleting texts for months on her regular phone and I do feel a need to see that also.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

LetDownNTX...I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. I truly hope you do not find any more damaging info and your mind can be put at ease. Please check back in and let us know what you do find. I just hope and pray that it is nothing, as one person can only take so much. Stay strong!! {hug}


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Found plenty!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Found plenty!


Oh no....

*hugs*


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Why are there no numbers coming up on the text messages? This would be alot easier to know for sure but I know anyway so it doesnt matter.

Just yesterday I love you's to someone else. I dont even know what to do right now. Im shaking, angry, hurt. all of the emotions. 

I dont know how to go about doing this....I wanna drive to his work and set him on fire (its a joke). He has big shots in town all week so I cant break it off in him right now. I dont know whether to throw his **** outside, serve him with papers, I just dont know how to go about this!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry, please take your time. Also, take care of yourself you are #1.

Sending you hugs and good thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LetDown....

I'm so sorry reading this update. I love you's sent yesterday??? Just heartbreaking. I know how much you have been struggling with R but still trying to have the benefit of the doubt with your WH.

As to how to go about doing this. I would say pack his crap and serve him at the same time. Along with printouts of all of the text messages. 

This is R. He knows the rules, right? Any cheating again and you guys are finished? If he does know that, filing for D and kicking his @ss out shouldn't come as a surprise. 

Please be strong. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Don't confront him yet until you have a solid plan of what you want to do. When you are weak and emotional trying to figure out what just happened, the easier it will be for him to talk his way into staying.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I've followed your story and I'm very sorry to hear it but, unfortunately, not surprised.

Divorce is hard but living with a cheater is even harder.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I knew in my heart it wasnt what it should be. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to move on because I didnt want to be the one holding our relationship back. I allowed his the little things he did for me to fill the big hole in my heart although it wasnt nearly enough.

I dont understand why he doesnt value me? Ive done everything for him...EVERYTHING! He has texted me saying "fun fun" because he is in meetings today. I didnt respond. He texted me again and said "hello" then he texted me again saying "read but not responding" (because he can see when I read them). I just replied that I was busy. He said but you read them. I said yes, sorry. he got mad and said whatever. 
I dont know what to even say to him right now!! I hate him so much for doing this to me, again, or still! To my kids!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We just will never know why they do the things they do. We can't understand because we aren't them.

He probably keeps checking in because he's trying to gauge your mood. He knows you are suspicious. And he's going to try to convince you it means nothing. Be prepared for that.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

just say you're busy reading his texts off his old phone


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Crazy idea, what if you sent him copies of the texts you found and then went dark?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry LetDown.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I knew in my heart it wasnt what it should be. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to move on because I didnt want to be the one holding our relationship back. I allowed his the little things he did for me to fill the big hole in my heart although it wasnt nearly enough.
> 
> I dont understand why he doesnt value me? Ive done everything for him...EVERYTHING! He has texted me saying "fun fun" because he is in meetings today. I didnt respond. He texted me again and said "hello" then he texted me again saying "read but not responding" (because he can see when I read them). I just replied that I was busy. He said but you read them. I said yes, sorry. he got mad and said whatever.
> I dont know what to even say to him right now!! I hate him so much for doing this to me, again, or still! To my kids!


This is just awful... I'm so sorry you are going through this. The only thing to stop him from continuing to hurt you like this is to send him packing. There are decent, moral people out there for you, and I'm sure once you have recovered from this jerk, you will find one and be happy.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

LanieB said:


> LetDown - I'm so sorry, but at the same time so glad you were able to finally find out the truth. If it's happening, it's better to know about it. You've been unhappy for so long now. It's time to cut this cancer out of your life and move on . . . . Yeah, I know it's easy for me to say, yet I fail to take my own advice . . .
> 
> Will you call a lawyer? I know you must be so numb and so upset. Wish there was something I could say to help.


I cant even afford a lawyer. The last time we were going to just agree on things. The thought of him taking the things that I love to share with her makes me want to hurl! I'd rather set them on fire.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Crazy idea, what if you sent him copies of the texts you found and then went dark?


He will be home late tonight. Probably not til around 9, when the bosses are in town for meetings they always go out to eat.

I dont want to be here when he gets here. Maybe I'll fwd the copies to him while Im out but my kids will be here and I dont want to come home and find stuff destroyed or my kids a mess.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

At least schedule a free consult with an attorney. There are ways around legal fees such as having your WH pay them as part of the divorce. 

You need a little bit of legal advice, even if you don't end up getting a lawyer


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Wow...I have not been on in awhile, just thought I would check in....so sorry. He has been playing you...you might want to play him for just a little while until you get your ducks in a row. You deserve better, nd you know it. He is a fool. A poster said earlier, time to cut the cancer from your life....I hope you know it is time. 

I I were you, I would send a nice text back...."Don't be angry Sorry. Love you." He can take it how he wants. You can mean "Don't be angry...you have no right. I am the one mad as hell. Sorry....I am so sorry I wasted another X years on you. Love you...love you a long time ago. Now its time for me to move on to bigger and better things and better people.

Print/save the texts. Give them to a trustworthy frind/relative to hold on to. Go see a lawyer. Go over your finances and make a plan. Once you get the papers to be served, put his stuff out on he curb the same day after he leaves for work. DO NOT cave in to him again. Let him go. You have what you need to move on and be free. You and your children deserve better. Let him still be a father and try to remain civil, but move on without him. You will be OK. In the back of your mind, you have been preparing for this...I think all of us BS's who give R a chance are always preparing even if we don't know it.

You are a strong and honorable woman. Take this chance to take your life back.

Hugs


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I cant even afford a lawyer. The last time we were going to just agree on things. The thought of him taking the things that I love to share with her makes me want to hurl! I'd rather set them on fire.


Use money from any joint account. Don't know about TX, but in my neck of the woods if you are SAHM (or just make less) your husband is going to have to foot the bill for your divorce lawyer. Talk to a local divorce attorney, he or she will know EXACTLY how to make sure they get paid (this is what we lawyers are best at).


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Are you sure the boss' is in town and not just an excuse to wine and dine OW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am SO sorry to hear all of this.

You are so kind and think somehow that he should value you because you treat him well and value him. He's too selfish for any of that, though. No matter how you treat him, he does what he does.

I really hope you can do what you need to do for yourself now. Please do the hard thing.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LetDown I haven't followed your posts in so long, and today I log on and see this. Ugh. I am so, so sorry. You are SO beautiful, a kind soul and have bent over backwards giving him chance after chance. (I still think about that paper roll in his truck with the numbers on it..) What was said in a post above is key, DO NOT let him talk you out of it again. This guy, sadly, is not going to change. He is an angry, narcissistic guy. Start putting away money today -- even if it's a little. Poco a poco. 

Big hug.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Found plenty!


I'm frowning with one ear and smiling with the other.

Too bad there was plenty to be found. I'm sorry. 

Great that you found plenty. I'm glad.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

I'm so so sorry. What an idiot the man is. Free consult with a lawyer before you do anything but really, he needs to be gone from your life.

Hugs to you.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Take your time with actions. Think it through and calm down. Going dark for a day or two should help you. You don't need to hear bullschitt excuses right now. As distressing as that is.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Take your time with actions. Think it through and calm down. Going dark for a day or two should help you. You don't need to hear bullschitt excuses right now. As distressing as that is.


I dont know how to do dark when we are in the same house and he is going to have to come home tonight. I dont know what to do. I wont be able to be in the same house with him without losing it. Thats just the way I am.

I feel so stupid and lost right now because I dont know what to do. He is going to blow up and its going to get ugly when it comes out!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

LetDownNTX,

So sorry to see this post!

Your limbo has been extra difficult, now this?

You don't have to rush, but make a goal to take a step toward D everyday. I had to take small steps because it seems overwhelming at the beginning. 

It will work out.

Hopefully the bitterness of your new d-day will focus you in a more productive path. At least you know now that your R efforts will eliminate future regrets of not trying.

Our hearts break for you.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I knew in my heart it wasnt what it should be. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to move on because I didnt want to be the one holding our relationship back. I allowed his the little things he did for me to fill the big hole in my heart although it wasnt nearly enough.
> 
> *I dont understand why he doesnt value me? *Ive done everything for him...EVERYTHING! He has texted me saying "fun fun" because he is in meetings today. I didnt respond. He texted me again and said "hello" then he texted me again saying "read but not responding" (because he can see when I read them). I just replied that I was busy. He said but you read them. I said yes, sorry. he got mad and said whatever.
> I dont know what to even say to him right now!! I hate him so much for doing this to me, again, or still! To my kids!



He doesn't have any values, so he cant value you.

So so sorry for you........


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I dont know how to do dark when we are in the same house and he is going to have to come home tonight. I dont know what to do. I wont be able to be in the same house with him without losing it. Thats just the way I am.
> 
> I feel so stupid and lost right now because I dont know what to do. He is going to blow up and its going to get ugly when it comes out!


Yes, he's going to bluster and blow up and blame-shift and gas-light. He feels in the driver's seat because he has been in the past. 

Tell him, calmly, what you want.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I want to send him messages, I want to blow up his phone. I want to make his crap himself wondering whats going on and why Im all in a hissy. I want to just go away and not have to ever see him again. If I dont see him looking at him cant hurt me.

I want to be gone when he gets here but I fear what he would take or do if I wasnt here. I am sad for my kids and what they are going to have to deal with AGAIN, after they thought they were safe.

Do I confront? Keep quiet and prepare for D? (hes gonna know Im upset, he can read me like a book)


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

print them out, leave them on the table with your ring. Take the kids and go to a friends or relatives for the night. 

You didn't do anything and don't deserve his anger.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I want to send him messages, I want to blow up his phone. I want to make his crap himself wondering whats going on and why Im all in a hissy. I want to just go away and not have to ever see him again. If I dont see him looking at him cant hurt me.
> 
> I want to be gone when he gets here but I fear what he would take or do if I wasnt here. I am sad for my kids and what they are going to have to deal with AGAIN, after they thought they were safe.
> 
> Do I confront? Keep quiet and prepare for D? (hes gonna know Im upset, he can read me like a book)


Tell him to stay in a hotel. File the papers ASAP.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

dubsey said:


> print them out, leave them on the table with your ring. Take the kids and go to a friends or relatives for the night.
> 
> You didn't do anything and don't deserve his anger.


The top priority is you and your kids safety. If he's going to get upset regardless, its better if you are not there. But then again, you shouldn't be leaving. You should pack a bag for him, put a copy of the texts on top if it and tell him to go stay at a hotel (or at any of the woman's houses he loves) At least it will give you a little space to think. 

Be prepared for a major rugsweeping/gaslighting attempt greater than you have ever seen!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> The top priority is you and your kids safety. If he's going to get upset regardless, its better if you are not there. But then again, you shouldn't be leaving. You should pack a bag for him, put a copy of the texts on top if it and tell him to go stay at a hotel (or at any of the woman's houses he loves) At least it will give you a little space to think.
> 
> Be prepared for a major rugsweeping/gaslighting attempt greater than you have ever seen!


I cant imagine it could be greater then I have seen. Im the crazy one, the one that digs for stuff, the one that doesnt let stuff go. The one that ruins the weekend if I feel down about something or ask him about something. Its all me.

He never owns anything!!


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I want to send him messages, I want to blow up his phone. I want to make his crap himself wondering whats going on and why Im all in a hissy. I want to just go away and not have to ever see him again. If I dont see him looking at him cant hurt me.
> 
> I want to be gone when he gets here but I fear what he would take or do if I wasnt here. I am sad for my kids and what they are going to have to deal with AGAIN, after they thought they were safe.
> 
> Do I confront? Keep quiet and prepare for D? (hes gonna know Im upset, he can read me like a book)


What can he take? 

Just take your important papers, but them in a bag and spend the night in a hotel (cheap if need be) or some friend/acquaintance's place.

I am surprised you don't have a plan for that already. Don't take risks.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> What can he take?
> 
> Just take your important papers, but them in a bag and spend the night in a hotel (cheap if need be) or some friend/acquaintance's place.
> 
> I am surprised you don't have a plan for that already. Don't take risks.


I don't have a plan because I've lived in denial obviously for the last 3 years. One day I would think he loved me and we were doing good, the next not so good! 

I work at home, in my home and I have people coming at 7am in the morning. If I leave and stay somewhere i Have to be back by 7am. He would probably still be here and all I would be doing is avoiding the inevitable. It would sure make a statement to print out the texts and then leave them on the table with my ring and be gone.

What would he take? Anything he could to piss me off and make me miserable. Namely the big thing in the motorcycle. I'd rather burn it into a pile of ashes then let him have it so her ass could be perched on the back. That is something that I LOVE doing and my name and his is on it. Anything else I dont care if he takes. Im sure he would destroy stuff along the way.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im also a little concerned about the guns in the house. Not thinking he would harm me or the kids but when he's been upset before he's said he just wished he was dead. I wouldnt put it past him to do something like that so that I would suffer and feel guilty for the rest of my life and my kids would blame me. I dont really think he would do that and hope he wouldnt but if he realizes he is busted now for a final time after all we have been through I dont know what he will do.

I can put the guns in a different location but if he cant find them he'll proably destroy the house looking for them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im also a little concerned about the guns in the house. Not thinking he would harm me or the kids but when he's been upset before he's said he just wished he was dead. I wouldnt put it past him to do something like that so that I would suffer and feel guilty for the rest of my life and my kids would blame me. I dont really think he would do that and hope he wouldnt but if he realizes he is busted now for a final time after all we have been through I dont know what he will do.
> 
> I can put the guns in a different location but if he cant find them he'll proably destroy the house looking for them.


Keep the guns, get rid of the ammunition.

If they are locked up , also remove the key from the house.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

anyone who can come stay the night with you at the house? Friend/relative?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

I agree that you should have someone with you. The best thing is to probably let him know not to come home. If he freaks out and shows up irate, call the cops. They'll send him packing or, if he's acting like a real idiot, take him to jail for the night.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I don't have a plan because I've lived in denial obviously for the last 3 years. One day I would think he loved me and we were doing good, the next not so good!
> 
> I work at home, in my home and I have people coming at 7am in the morning. If I leave and stay somewhere i Have to be back by 7am. He would probably still be here and all I would be doing is avoiding the inevitable. It would sure make a statement to print out the texts and then leave them on the table with my ring and be gone.
> 
> What would he take? Anything he could to piss me off and make me miserable. Namely the big thing in the motorcycle. I'd rather burn it into a pile of ashes then let him have it so her ass could be perched on the back. That is something that I LOVE doing and my name and his is on it. Anything else I dont care if he takes. Im sure he would destroy stuff along the way.


If you have to be your place of work, which happens to be your home, you stay put. He does not get the right to come home and start voicing his displeasure, or trashing the place or shouting. He gets handed the printed out texts and then very politely told to leave. The second he starts having his hissy fit, you call the police and have this man removed. Do not give him your ring. You need it because you are going to sell it. He does not get the keys to the motorcycle. If he tries to take them, slip them down your bra and tell him quietly that this is a place he can't go. 

I know you are angry, so come on lass, use it to show this grade A a$$ that you have more b*lls than he ever had.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dubsey said:


> anyone who can come stay the night with you at the house? Friend/relative?


Im not really in fear for my safety, I just know he's probably gonna be destructive. Last time he left he crushed my laptop. Then came home the next day and two weeks later bought me a new one. He doesnt think about the stupid things he does, he just reacts.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I was asking so you could ask/tell him not to come home and have someone there that could talk to him and tell him to go sleep off the anger and come back in the morning or tomorrow night.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

LetdownTX so sorry for you. Sounds like your WH is a real loser. You will do better without him I am sure. I just don't understand these people and why they do what they do. Take good care of yourself and the kids.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Don't leave the house, especially if it is your place of business. 

Secure things now before he gets home - motorcycle keys, important documents, gun key, get rid of ammo....

Print out the texts to hand to him along with a bag to take with him. Or email him the texts after you secure everything and tell him not to come home.

Having someone with you will be the best b/c he more than likely won't show his destructive nature in front of company like that. He's got too much of an image to maintain. 

If he does start to go that route, call the cops. Immediately. Get it on record. It will help with the divorce.

You are done this time, right? You are going to leave him? 

3 years of this is too much...and it doesn't look like he ever stopped. 

My heart aches for you today


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Don't leave the house, especially if it is your place of business.
> 
> Secure things now before he gets home - motorcycle keys, important documents, gun key, get rid of ammo....
> 
> ...


YES, Im done. I have to be! Ive been doing this too long! It hurts my heart to know that he would continue to do this after all the pain I have told him it has caused. It makes me feel worthless to him and I dont understand that!


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> YES, Im done. I have to be! Ive been doing this too long! It hurts my heart to know that he would continue to do this after all the pain I have told him it has caused. It makes me feel worthless to him and I dont understand that!


A few points to note. I know less than zip about you except that, from your contributions here, you have a wonderful sense of humour, you are a brilliant mum and in the space of a few hours, you have gone from 'I don't know what to do' to having the basis of a plan. 

A recap for you:

Print the texts
Make sure your kids are somewhere safe.
Find all the ammunition and get it out of the house, along with the keys to the motorcycle.
Clean out as much money as you can from any joint account and give it to a friend/neighbour to keep safe for you.
Go online right now and find a lawyer who will give you a free initial consult and make an appointment for yesterday, if not sooner. 
Pack a bag for him. No, please don't trouble to fold anything.
Find someone - anyone, even a stranger off the street to be in the house when he gets home. 

All of the above takes max of 2 hours.

You don't have to say much, just hand him the bag and the texts and tell him he is leaving. If he gets mouthy with you, that's fine. He just gets a ride out in a police car. 

Now please get busy. This man has wasted enough of your time and you have a happy life to be getting on with.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Time to get cold-blooded now, LetDown. It's finally time to ice over that very warm heart of yours. You've been trying to make him be the man that you want, but you can't get blood out of a turnip.

You are a great woman who married down. Why does he get to define your entire life as a life of pain and heartache? You can stop it now.

Print out the texts. Safeguard your evidence. Secure any dangerous weapons. Most of all, steel yourself to do what you have to do. It is really time to claim your happiness. It's not with him. He doesn't care if he hurts you. You have to start accepting that. He doesn't care if he hurts you.

Everyone here has your back. Take a stand for your future and the future of your children. We're all with you. Everyone.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Oh my god, LetDown, I'm so sorry. He doesn't deserve one thing from you. 

Is there anyway you can arrange for a loan from the bank? An advance on a credit card? He'll have to pony up and pay when the time comes. 

The time has come to make a stand. Don't argue with him. Show him the texts and ask for an explanation. God, I'm sick about this.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Oh my god, LetDown, I'm so sorry. He doesn't deserve one thing from you.
> 
> Is there anyway you can arrange for a loan from the bank? An advance on a credit card? He'll have to pony up and pay when the time comes.
> 
> The time has come to make a stand. Don't argue with him. Show him the texts and ask for an explanation. God, I'm sick about this.


DO NOT ASK for an explanation. Just had him the texts and tell him to leave. 

He has had plenty of time to explain things to you. Like alt said, he doesn't care if he hurts you. 

Take that knowledge and get angry. There will be time to mourn later but now is the time to prepare for battle as I'm sure this will be his biggest temper tantrum ever. He will try to get you to break so you don't leave. He's been successful sooooooo many times before. When he sees the normal stuff isn't working he is going to really go nuclear. He will try whatever he can to scare you into staying.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

There has been a lot of talk about calling police and having him carted away.

In most places -as long as the spouse is not causing a disturbance- the police will tell the other spouse that in a marital home both spouses have an equal right to reside until a judge decides otherwise. Calling the police may be useless until and unless some commotion is already underway.  Having a third party (female) present sounds to me to be a better option.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

LetDownNTX, I am so very sorry to read this. I am literally sitting here in tears, because I truly feel for you. This situation is horrid, but I do agree with the others. The time will come to let it all out, but now you need to get into anger mode. 

Please take the advice of others and tell him to leave tonight. (as calmly as possible) Try not to disrupt the kids and leave them with uglier memories than is necessary. Do you have an iPhone? Use your memo recorder and record the convo for evidence on anything that transpires. If you need it for the cops, use it. Do not leave your home. Empty your 1/2 of the money in joint accounts now! Show no mercy. I will pray for you tonight! 

I think I speak for many of us here and can honestly say we are all "Let Down" tonight. Stay safe and stay strong. We will all do our best to help you get through this ordeal! {big hugs}


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Aw crap - I'm so sorry LD. I had really hoped that even though he wasn't behaving very well that his heart was in the right place. 

YOU are not in the wrong. YOU deserve SOOOO much better than this. 

It will be hard but you will move on, be stronger and build a better life. There are men out there who will treasure someone as beautiful and sweet hearted as you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im not sure whats going to happen or how its going to happen at the moment. I have a plan but Im not sure that is going to work out. I have a former client who is a paralegal at a family law firm. I have reached out to her to help me as much as possible so that I know what to do, I really need some legal guidance.

WH had texted me off and on all day. Not getting why as that is not the norm for him. He just also called me and made small talk and then hung up probably wishing he hadnt called. He could tell I was nasally and asked whats wrong and why Im in a bad mood today.

He told me some disturbing story about a guy he works with banging his bosses wife. I about lost my mind then and told him that people disgust me and noone cares about their vows anymore. He of course wanted me to elaborate on that....he probably senses something and knows he's up to no good and is fishing to see what I know.

I hate him for backing me into this corner!!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He's probably sensing that something is 'off' so he's trying to figure out what you know. 

The anger is good right now but in a controlled manner. I hate that he's done this after all you've given him.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> senses something and knows he's up to no good and is fishing to see what I know.
> 
> I hate him for backing me into this corner!!


yep, it's why he's been bugging you all day. it started with the texts this morning when you didn't respond.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I dont know that Im as angry as I need to be. I still feel really hurt. Thats why I thought maybe a couple of days would help me get more angry and not so emotional. Also give me a chance to talk to a lawyer and file papers. I dont know if I can stand to be in the same house with him now or not. I know when I see his face the emotions are going to pour out. I hate this!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's natural that it's going to come in waves. If you can, I would hold back on discussing it. When he asks, just keep postponing until YOU are ready, you feel calm, you have all the facts laid out and you have a plan. 

This should all be on YOUR terms. If he starts to act out or break things, I would calmly state that he either needs to leave or you will call and have him removed. That is bullying behavior.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Do you have those guns out of the house yet?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If your emotions pour out - then they pour out. You owe him nothing at all. You've given too much already and received a punch to your heart for your effort. 

Be yourself. Your plan is good. It won't be derailed even if he throws a hissy fit. That's his cross to bear - he owns that. 

Do you have access to whatever funds are in the bank? It's probably the case that he has a slush fund to pay for his dalliances. You should make an effort to see if you can find out a little more about that. 

If you have access to the tax return he filed look it over and see if it squares with what he brings home. 

IF he bugs you about your mood, just look him in the eye and say you're not feeling affectionate atm. Trust yourself.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

3putt said:


> Do you have those guns out of the house yet?


They have trigger locks and I have hidden the keys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why don't you pack his stuff so he can find it as he comes in?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Sorry LetDown. I see your posts and you are definitely one of my favorite members here. I feel really bad for you. Kick him the eff out!! He doesn't deserve you.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

I just looked again at LDNTX's pictures.

When one has faces to refer to, the horror of the infidelity phenomenon becomes overwhelming.

How could these attractive, beautiful, handsome men, women, children, find themselves in such situations? 

It never makes sense.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Oh my... I'm so sorry to read this today LD. 

Your posts always reflect your warm good heart.. you so don't deserve this.

What a stupid and heartless man he is!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> I just looked again at LDNTX's pictures.
> 
> When one has faces to refer to, the horror of the infidelity phenomenon becomes overwhelming.
> 
> ...


I just did the same thing and thought the same thing.

Beautiful family blown to bits, and for what?! Makes no sense.

I just don't get it. I would almost kill for what that idiot husband of hers has in his lap and willingly tossing aside.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

3putt said:


> I just did the same thing and thought the same thing.
> 
> Beautiful family blown to bits, and for what?! Makes no sense.
> 
> I just don't get it. I would almost kill for what that idiot husband of hers has in his lap and willingly tossing aside.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Thank you 3putt and everyone else that is here reading my crappy story and is supporting me through this. It really means more then you know. Ill admit you're not helping me be angry. Everytime I read a reply I tear up! I really do appreciate you all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xemenchance (Apr 19, 2013)

The previous poster was right. If your phone is jailbroken you can download iFile which allows you to read the iphone directiory straight from the iphone. Your iphone can easily be jailbroken by accessing jailbreakme.com straight from the safari on your iphone. After that go to

/private/var/mobile/Library/Spotlight/

Then delete the folder that says

com.apple.MobileSMS

This will delete the text messages from being found on the spotlight search.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Wow...I have not been on in awhile, just thought I would check in....so sorry. He has been playing you...you might want to play him for just a little while until you get your ducks in a row. You deserve better, nd you know it. He is a fool. A poster said earlier, time to cut the cancer from your life....I hope you know it is time.
> 
> I I were you, I would send a nice text back...."Don't be angry Sorry. Love you." He can take it how he wants. You can mean "Don't be angry...you have no right. I am the one mad as hell. Sorry....I am so sorry I wasted another X years on you. Love you...love you a long time ago. Now its time for me to move on to bigger and better things and better people.
> 
> ...


This. And LetDown- Im just so sorry. This sucks. Please do consider leaving him, for your sanity and to set an example for those beautiful children. 

Hang in there.

CTU


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi sweetly. So sorry to hear this update from you. I will keep you in my thought and hope you get the strength you need from within to do what' you need to do.
He doesn't deserve you. You are worth so much more. 
(((((( hugs))))))
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LD...I'm really sorry you are having to endure this sh-t. Ya know, some people simply CAN'T be fixed. They are so broken. Unfortunately, it's the man you've been trying to reconcile with for a long, long time who is broken beyond repair.

From what you've written previously, you've been a very selfless mother and wife. However, it's time for you to put that part of you aside for a bit.

It's time to do for you. In doing for you, you will do better by your children. In doing for you, you will do better for everything in your life.

I'm sorry LD...but it's now YOUR time.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Not much to update from last night. I went to a friends and came home a few minutes before he got home. I busied myself doing things and he kept asking what was wrong, I seem mad at him, pissy, etc. I said nothing, I was fine, etc. He didnt believe me and became irritated but said nothing. We hardly spoke the rest of the night.

I prayed when we got in bed he wouldnt touch me because I knew it would kill me and thankfully he didnt but then part of me was sad that he didnt even attempt knowing there was something wrong. Im not talking about sex, btw. We just always find ourselves right next to each other before we fall asleep.

This morning was hard. I tried to be civil but I was having a hard time doing more then holding back the tears. I couldnt even look at him.

Before anyone starts yelling at me that I didnt do things right I just want you to know that I KNOW what I have to do. I told him several months ago that I was letting all of this go and moving forward but that if I found out again that our marriage was over in a minute, now Im faced with that reality!! Im trying to swallow it all and quite frankly its hard to do without choking on.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Not much to update from last night. I went to a friends and came home a few minutes before he got home. I busied myself doing things and he kept asking what was wrong, I seem mad at him, pissy, etc. I said nothing, I was fine, etc. He didnt believe me and became irritated but said nothing. We hardly spoke the rest of the night.
> 
> I prayed when we got in bed he wouldnt touch me because I knew it would kill me and thankfully he didnt but then part of me was sad that he didnt even attempt knowing there was something wrong. Im not talking about sex, btw. We just always find ourselves right next to eat other before we fall asleep.
> 
> ...


I think we all understand that its difficult. Nothing says you have to do it TODAY. Take the time to do it right. Please, as someone else mentioned, get a free consultation.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Its better to be calm and take time to get your ducks in a row to have a solid plan to leave that a-hole than to get emotional and have his mind games set you back enough to where you might not leave.

We all want to see you happy, LD. You have spent how many years begging for a husband and marriage. Its time you spend that energy on you and the kids. 

You are worth so much more than this. I hope you can start to see that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Agreed.

Take all the time you need. Let your emotions settle and accept the fact that you really don't have a husband. You have a callous and selfish roommate. 

Take time to make rational plans. If you cringe at his touch perhaps you can develop a yeast infection or UTI. Take care of yourself and children first. 

Keep looking for financial documents. It's likely he has another bank acct or stash somewhere.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Glad to hear you got through the night as best as you could! I don't think anyone will or has the right to pass judgment on your decisions. Look, no one knows what they would do in a situation until they are in it. I, for one, always said no way - no how would I ever stay in a marriage if my H was cheating. Guess what, I did! I am still surprised to this day for it. Ultimately, your choices and decisions affect you and your children. You need to take the time to do what is best by ALL of you! All we can do, is sit back and offer support and help along the way. Good luck with the attorney connection and consult. Continue to stay strong!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Keep looking for financial documents. It's likely he has another bank acct or stash somewhere.


This is a great point. Also, focusing on the logistics and practicalities of extracting yourself could help you get through the day.

(My daughter had tremendous anxiety every year when school started. She would be almost paralyzed as she headed for the schoolhouse doors in the morning. On those days, I sent her off with the instruction to 'count her steps' and tell me when she got home how many it took to get to her classroom. I told her to count very loudly in her head as she walked. It helped to power her through. So, count your steps, LD.)


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You made it through the night without losing it like you were sure you would- that's a victory. You have many supporters on this board who are sending you loving thoughts, and I hope you gain the strength and focus you need from us.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

He either suspects something is up, but and has no clue, or he thinks you were just triggering...either way, he knows he is the cause, and instead of comforting you, he is continuing to be the ick that he is (insert "D"). 

You saw past his many flaws and saw what was left of the good in him, hoping he had more. He does not. He is unworthy of you. 

If I were in your shoes - not sure I could have done anythng right away either. I know I would know what I have to do, but it is still a blow when you give someone the chance of a lifetime, coach them through it, and they still fail. 

It's not that he doesn't think you are worthy to him, its just that he has no understanding of loving and caring for another person. He is a self centered ick (insert "pr"). He knows, and that is why he is still cake eating...he wants both. Let him have the stale cake leftover from the party. You are the recipe of a beautiful woman that he should never have the pleasure of enjoying again. Take your business elsewhere.

Get a free consultation with a lawyer, line up your support and ask them to keep hush hush about it. Ignore him if you have to - tell him you are just going through a helluva trigger right now...should keep him at bay for awhile...fake having a stomach bug...whatever you have to do to buy time. I would not give him any indication that you are serving him papers. He bluffed you for 3 years. He is an a-ss ("insert "hole"). Give him nothing. He is nothing and he deserves nothing. 

Better that you found out now than 3 more years down the road...you have an aweful truth that the rest of us betrayed spouses wish we could have - the bad upfront so we don't waste any more of our lives. 

The door is open. It's your world now. Take control and don't look back. Mr. TX is going down. You have our support.

Are you just a little bit angry yet? Every time he walks away from you, flip him the bird...you will feel better. 

**If need be, put your laptop someplace safe each night before he gets home...like me, that's my livelihood and work. We ended up buying a new one last summer, so I know


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Take all the time you need. Let your emotions settle and accept the fact that you really don't have a husband. You have a callous and selfish roommate.
> 
> ...


Im 100% sure he doesnt have a stash. Im the one that does all the finances, I know what comes in and goes out and he never has cash. If he does a side job and recieves cash he could be spending that on her, I really dont know. BUT that isnt coming from our bank. I find it hard to believe, with him being as selfish as he is, that he would spend money on her, more then lunch or something. If he has money in his pocket he is usually buying himself something. He's very selfish until he starts to feel guilty and then he wants me to buy myself something.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Have you checked the phone logs? Are you able to tell how often he's been texting her? 

He really hasn't been out of the house for extended and unexplained reasons for a long while right? So, perhaps (wishful thinking here) he's just recently been contacted by her?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im 100% sure he doesnt have a stash. Im the one that does all the finances, I know what comes in and goes out and he never has cash. If he does a side job and recieves cash he could be spending that on her, I really dont know. BUT that isnt coming from our bank. I find it hard to believe, with him being as selfish as he is, that he would spend money on her, more then lunch or something. If he has money in his pocket he is usually buying himself something. He's very selfish until he starts to feel guilty and then he wants me to buy myself something.


Probably doesn't. Mine didn't either. Mine likes to spend on himself too and does the same thing - tells me I should get something I want. That was the basis for most of our arguments prior to affair - his selfish spending habit. The OW wll pay, as long as she thinks she will get something in the end. That is how stupid they are too. What a waste of air.

I don't think you should focus on that. Just my opinion from experience.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Have you checked the phone logs? Are you able to tell how often he's been texting her?
> 
> He really hasn't been out of the house for extended and unexplained reasons for a long while right? So, perhaps (wishful thinking here) he's just recently been contacted by her?


His cell phone is through his company so I dont have access to his phone records. He probably never stopped talking to her. All I know is that on March 20th she texted him about "their song" then there were texts from April 13th and April 17th. I wasnt able to go anything else from her. There were other texts but some were between us and some about work. The only phone contact the back up showed was his brothers number.

He isnt out of the house for lengthy periods. To run to the store, or get a hair cut and he has a couple of hours on the weekend when I go to the grocery store but most of the time he just stays at home.

Thats the thing, she obviously doesnt require much from him because several years ago I busted him talking to her while he was with me, when he excused himself to go to the bathroom I followed him. The bathroom door was open to the mens room and I stood outside and heard him talking. I was waiting on him outside the door, I *****ed at him all the way home and then made him leave.

He has time during work as he does what he wants because hes the boss but she has a job so she doesnt have unlimited time. Im sure they meet a couple of times a week for lunch or a hook up and then he texts her and calls her on the weekends when he can.

To answer another question...YES IM ANGRY! I think about things and think about how much I hate him for making me make a decision that is going to affect the rest of my life and my childrens lives just because he made a selfish decision of his own. I guess it helps to mumble "fvcker" as he's walking out the door to go to work...did that this morning!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> His cell phone is through his company so I dont have access to his phone records. He probably never stopped talking to her. All I know is that on March 20th she texted him about "their song" then there were texts from April 13th and April 17th. I wasnt able to go anything else from her. There were other texts but some were between us and some about work. The only phone contact the back up showed was his brothers number.
> 
> He isnt out of the house for lengthy periods. To run to the store, or get a hair cut and he has a couple of hours on the weekend when I go to the grocery store but most of the time he just stays at home.
> 
> ...


Good for you on the mumbling - then as he gets out of your sight, scream it! That always helped me  

REMEMBER - he is making you make a different decision. He made the big decision on his own when he stepped outside of your marriage. He made the decision to bust up your family and be an a-hole husband and father. That is not on you. Your decision now is to make your life and the lives of your children better by taking them out of a toxic environment. You have that right and duty to yourself and them. He made the decision, now you are going to do an amazing job cleaning it up for you and your children. Not for him. And you will be an even better woman for it.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Sorry LetDown. *I see your posts and you are definitely one of my favorite members here.* I feel really bad for you. Kick him the eff out!! He doesn't deserve you.


Thank you !


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's up to you to handle the timing according to what YOU can handle. Don't feel rushed or pressured - what's ahead is hard and emotionally draining.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> ... I guess it helps to mumble "fvcker" as he's walking out the door to go to work...did that this morning!


:rofl:

Sorry LD, I couldn't help myself. Whatever it takes. It's a start. You're going to be okay. You're a strong woman and you're going to find the strength you need to see you through.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

In your Iphone go to Settings > Messages > Send Read Receipts > *OFF* Just a thought so you don't feel like you HAVE to respond to him right away when you read it or he'll freak out. Respond when you want to.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> It's up to you to handle the timing according to what YOU can handle. Don't feel rushed or pressured - what's ahead is hard and emotionally draining.


Simple and very true!

Pace yourself.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Letdown,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

You are a veteran poster. You've given advice to dozens and dozens of BS's. Think what advice you would give to a BS with your same story. You know what you would tell them to do.

Now comes the hard part. Follow the advice you would give to them. 

We're here to support you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Here's to the weekend.... we'll see how this goes!

Mary J. Blige - Not Gon Cry - Music Video - YouTube


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I still say play coy and serve him the papers and a suitcase at the same time - but we all know that we plan to do one thing and emotions get the better of us sometimes and we blurt everything out at once. Whatever you do...this is it...this is the big one...make sure your children are someplace else where they can spend the night if you absolutely have to explode on his a$$. If you don't do anything else, at least do this. 

I'll be thinking about you and hope you can keep it in until you get him served. Do your best. Think of what you want for the outcome and try to steer your actions to accomplish that.

Hugs, fellow Texan


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Sorry LD, I couldn't help myself. Whatever it takes. It's a start. You're going to be okay. You're a strong woman and you're going to find the strength you need to see you through.


If I could like this post ten times, I would. Mars has it right. You are one heck of a woman LD so if you want to curse him, you go right ahead. Your children are a good excuse to make gingerbread men. Make one and when it's cooked, get yourself a ****tail stick and stab that gingerbread man in any soft and still warm parts, that includes the bit between the ears. It's incredibly satisfying.

Also, until further notice, as someone else has suggested, you have really bad thrush so sex is off the agenda. The only agenda that matters is yours.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> If I could like this post ten times, I would. Mars has it right. You are one heck of a woman LD so if you want to curse him, you go right ahead. Your children are a good excuse to make gingerbread men. Make one and when it's cooked, get yourself a ****tail stick and stab that gingerbread man in any soft and still warm parts, that includes the bit between the ears. It's incredibly satisfying.
> 
> Also, until further notice, as someone else has suggested, you have really bad thrush so sex is off the agenda. The only agenda that matters is yours.


Sounds like a great idea. How about after I stab it a few times I'll throw it on the ground and stomp it a bit and then let me dog lick up the crumbs and sh!t them out...maybe then he would feel like I do! A$$hole!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

yeh...I'm thinking urinary tract or yeast infection...then you just have to wait until you can get to the doctor...maybe a week or two...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Sounds like a great idea. How about after I stab it a few times I'll throw it on the ground and stomp it a bit and then let me dog lick up the crumbs and sh!t them out...maybe then he would feel like I do! A$$hole!


You need to change your thinking...don't feel bad...feel angry. Feeling bad leads to sad...leads to crying...leads to feeling lifeless. He is a loser. If you feel bad about anything , feel bad that your children have a lousy father. Know you are a great mother. 

Anger will get you through...just keep the children away when you unleash. 

Heck...ever see the movie The Help? If not, there is a great scene where a housekeeper bakes a special cake for her former boss who fired her.....great scene...not that I am condoning her actions...just saying that some people get what they deserve...make those gingerbread men extra special for Mr. TX


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Heck...ever see the movie The Help? If not, there is a great scene where a housekeeper bakes a special cake for her former boss who fired her.....great scene...not that I am condoning her actions...just saying that some people get what they deserve...make those gingerbread men extra special for Mr. TX


cough cough

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD9Ua7FuzyA


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Found plenty!


You're gorgeous - you don't deserve this sh!t. But like, you I fully understand the bloodhound journey. Not your fault, you've been forced into it. Be strong, there are some great people here.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> cough cough
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD9Ua7FuzyA


OMG, that was hilarious and disgusting all the same :rofl:


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hang in there letdown, you're a special lady, you deserve to be cherished not overlooked and unappreciated.

Plan ahead as much as possible.

Oh yeah, I like the idea of baking him a pie, a special pie like in the movie "the help"


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You probably won't be on this weekend, but sending positive thoughts your way just the same


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Well ladies and gentlemen, as expected I unleashed the beast! HA! He knew it was coming and knew why (he suspected something about the phone after he thought about it).

It was a hell of a night last night and today hasnt been much better. I will give more details later. Im so drained right now! 

I did want to say that I got the anger then the sadness then the remorse. I even got tears, which I havent seen in years. He says he's messed up in the head, he knows he ruined our marriage and that there is probably no coming back from this. He loves me and wants to be with me. He wants to see a counselor and he will answer anything I ask but he wants to do it in a controlled environment. He feels like if we talk on our own its leading from trap door to trap door. I told him that one counselor visit a week for an hour isnt going to be enough "talking" to get us through this. Im not going to keep quiet for 6 days and suppress my feelings. These were his suggestions not mine. I kept telling him that I never wanted to divorce him but its the only way that I can protect my heart from being broken by him again.

He got really hateful at one point, you know where they pull out all the stops and make you feel like you are this evil two headed monster who no one likes and Im no better then him stuff. He really did throw out a few low blows about my mom and dad and my relationship with them, even bringing his dead parents into it.

He said he has been trying to break away from her for a while and that it had only been going on the last two mos (not buying that). He said he told her on Friday he didnt want to see her again. I dont buy any of this. I told him that his way didnt work before of doing what he wanted and he always left the door cracked and we were doing it different this time. Im going to follow up with her to make sure she knows the truth because he claims he lied to her and said he was living at a friends house and thats why she was seeing him. I dont think it really matters to her to be honest. She knew he was married before and the whole time they cheated.

Im going to make an appt with a counselor and we are going. I dont know that I want to work things out and I dont know that he can do what he needs to do. This time he seems to be 100% sure of what he wants (or so he says). I will give him a chance at therapy and see what happens but I have the papers on the counter and told him they are ready to go. I also told him he has to prove to me that he is a different person.

He said he would hand his phone to me nightly to check and back up, that he would allow me to track him and where he was, etc. I didnt ask for this stuff, he suggested it. But then he seemed bitter that he was having to do this. When I pointed out that he should want to prove to me that he's being honest and trustworthy, he said he knew that he was wrong and that it was all his fault but he didnt believe anyone, no matter what really wanted to be watched over all the time. I told him to prove he could be trusted then we could move from that.

I know Ive been here a while and should know but please help me because my mind is crazy right now.

What things do I need to require from him?

What things do I need to address in front of a counselor? (I will be making a list as I think of things).

For the record, I dont know this will work. I still feel like the only way to protect my heart is to be away from him but if he is going to prove me wrong this time I want to give him the chance. I guess Im a glutton for punishment!


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> -------------snip for brevity------------------
> 
> *What things do I need to require from him?
> 
> ...


I would totally reject the counselor-as-an-arbiter way of answering questions. I went that route, and the damned counselor (supposedly experienced infidelity counselor in Chapel Hill) bought her whole pack of lies and wanted me to get psychiatric treatment for my paranoia. Even if your counselor is not as bad as that, the flow of your cross-examination will be broken (yes, I said cross-examination, that is what is needed to sort through what is true and is not.) The point you make about how many hours you need is crucial. Reject that out of hand.

What else you should do is well known to you. Standard stuff to deal with the standard script. It's just having the constancy to do it...hard, I know.

You are not a glutton for punishment. You are taking the punishment you have to take to maintain yourself as an honorable person and exhaust every possibility. I hope it works for you.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm so sorry for saying this, because I truly believe in saving marriages and reconcilliation. I do. But I think it's yet, another one of his ploys. I think he needs to move out. I'm sorry for saying that. Your husband hasn't done a SINGLE thing to give you any reason to trust him. He needs help....but on Life's terms, not his own and him setting the terms for talking through things, nah, he's doing the managing once again among others.

Ugh LetDown, I'm so so sorry.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think you are wise enough, smart enough, and strong enough to give this one more try. I know, from your advice to others, that you are no dummy - even when you're wounded and hurt. The clincher for me in advising you to try one last time is your kids and your financial situation 

(I KNOW I often counsel betrayed to not stay for the kids or financial considerations!! - however, like I said - you have very good judgment)

I do think he is going to be a tough nut to crack given his pizzy attitude and bitter attack. So, for one thing - I think you need to demand an apology. He had no right to speak to you that way - that was mean and vindictive. So first an apology. 

Second: Ask him to write a NC letter. You know the drill. 

Third: discussion at home for at least 45 min. every other night at a minimum. 

Be sure your counselor is experienced in infidelity and sexual disfuntion
With the counselor:
Address issues with your mother (brother too) - for both of you
Address issues with his parents 
Address issues with sex - porn, sex with you, 

Don't back down. Keep the divorce papers handy.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Well ladies and gentlemen, as expected I unleashed the beast! HA! He knew it was coming and knew why (he suspected something about the phone after he thought about it).
> 
> It was a hell of a night last night and today hasnt been much better. I will give more details later. Im so drained right now!
> 
> ...


A WS handing out the "its my way" bullsh*t just wont work. It shouldnt work. And its proof he's still bullying you. He should instead be asking "what can I do? I will do ANYTHING you ask. ANYTHING. Right here. Right now." instead he is issuing rules for YOU to go by. What a load of marlarky. LD, DO NOT stand for this. ITs YOUR way or the highway. In fact, I suggest the highway and he works his way back if he really wants his marriage and family. This is ludicrous.

I absolutely believe you both need some counseling but HE doesnt get to decide anything. HIS decisions have run this train off the tracks. Now he goes by your rules or he's out. NO if's and's or but's. You have tolerated so much LD. So much. 

You have the guts and the strength to really play hardball here. My opinion is that if you dont do so, you have NO chance of saving your marriage, if thats even what you want to do. But either way, the days of him ruling the roost- OVER.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Stay firm. He doesn't get to call any of the shots. You tried that already and it didn't work. He needs to continue to remorseful, respectful AND affectionate. No more of the eye rolling pissiness!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Stay firm. He doesn't get to call any of the shots. You tried that already and it didn't work. He needs to continue to remorseful, respectful AND affectionate. No more of the eye rolling pissiness!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely what I told him. We have done it his way and gotten nowhere. We are going to do it different and if he can't I'm out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Good!!! Keep that fire, girl! You are amazing - he doesn't deserve you, truly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Am I the only one who, upon seeing a picture of this swooshbag, wanted to have him directly in front of my fist wearing my "paper weight" brass knuckles?

Seriously, LD...like I said the other day - I'm so sorry you have to endure this sh-t yet again. It's crap. He's crap. And he's trying to give all that crap to YOU.

I remember a turning point with my ex-wife, who blamed me for everything in the world when I caught her on Dday 2. We were in the hallway arguing and she started in again with blaming me and putting all the stuff on me.

I put my hand up for her to stop. I made a motion with both hands like I was digging inside of my gut. I pulled it out and threw it at her saying, "Here...this is all your sh-t that you've put on and in me the past 10 years. You can have it back now!"

I walked away and left for good.

As I said the other day, you have been such a huge provider for EVERYONE else! It is time for YOU. It's okay to be selfish right now.

To Hell with him.

I'm voting NO on the attempt at further "reconciliation".


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> *Am I the only one who, upon seeing a picture of this swooshbag, wanted to have him directly in front of my fist wearing my "paper weight" brass knuckles?*


Nope, that was pretty close to the first thought that crossed my mind as well.

Idiot


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This has been going on for YEARS, LD. Years. Your H has entertained himself with two wives. You are the constant in his life that he knows will always be there, so he never (I mean never) has to work very hard to keep you on board. He won't suddenly go NC with her. He's got a long-term relationship going with her. 

I think you need to take real time to let this truly settle and think about it. Think about it for yourself. Don't consider your options together with him. An IC for you is good if the person is really focused on what is good for you as an individual and mother.

Take time. Tell him that you will not negotiate with him now. Tell him that you are considering your options. You said that if you discovered this again, you were out. Let him stew and squirm now. Whenever you make it clear that you are desperate to save things, he takes advantage. You are unfortunately in love with a man who doesn't care how much he hurts you. He wants you and he wants her & that's what he's been getting. He's been getting what he wants.

Take time to think. While you do that, let him know that you haven't decided whether to divorce or not. Let him suffer with the real possibility that he may well no longer be able to talk you into giving him what he wants.

Please, LD. Turn the tables. Make him squirm.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This has been going on for YEARS, LD. Years. Your H has entertained himself with two wives. You are the constant in his life that he knows will always be there, so he never (I mean never) has to work very hard to keep you on board. He won't suddenly go NC with her. He's got a long-term relationship going with her.
> 
> I think you need to take real time to let this truly settle and think about it. Think about it for yourself. Don't consider your options together with him. An IC for you is good if the person is really focused on what is good for you as an individual and mother.
> 
> ...


I know that everyone here is disappointed in me not doing what I should have done by serving him papers already. I'm not going to sugar coat it or trying to protect him by rationalizing his actions. He has been very hurtful through all of this. I have not told him I'm giving him another chance. I told him that I have no reason to believe him at all, especially based on the past and the lies. Part of me wishes he meant it and would do what it takes but I am skeptical and have told him so. I know what things I have done wrong, accepting so little from him, allowing him to treat me like garbage. I'm not doing that this time. I'm simply giving him time to see a counselor and get his **** together. He has never taken this approach, maybe it's just more to his game? If so I think I will know. I have not forgiven him, nor have I shown my weakness. At this point I have no trust and very little faith!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Absolutely no one is disappointed in anything you have done.

You are clearly a caring, good-hearted person and we all want you to be happy. We all also know how hard it is when your heart wants something that is bad for you. Everyone understands.

You will do what you need to do when you are ready. We know that, too. We're just trying to buck you up a bit and let you know that we're with you. There is strength in numbers and we want you to feel stronger.

I think it's long past time that your H paid the piper here. I know that your head knows that, but your heart is broken and can't keep pace with your head.

When I was younger, LD, I had a very long-term bf who treated me much the way your H does. It wasn't until I had had enough that he was finally able to be fully committed. Your heart hasn't yet had enough, so if you act like you're at that point, I think your H may finally, finally see what the consequences to him are of betraying and hurting you so consistently.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are the only one who knows when (or if) the day comes that you are ready to let go. There's never a good time. Only a time when you can't deal with it any longer.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Jast caught again, after years of being a sh1tty husband and already hiding behind a MC.
What a coward!

Don't believe anyhyting from his mouth.
He's just lying!
You can do better.
Drop the dead weight.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LD - I know you love (loved?) this man. You've put in so much effort, scotch-tape and masking tape trying to hold your family together now it's his turn. If he doesn't toe the line immediately, and I mean right away - phone checks including his work phone, email pws, full disclosure, etc then just send him packing. 

You were able to survive while he conducted himself so poorly four years ago. You can do it and much more. He'll have to pony up for support and maintain the house. 

In fact, he may have already looked into this himself and discovered he'd be soundly gutted by child support and spousal maintenance. 
FYI
New Alimony Laws in Texas, Spousal Maintenance Changes


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would also question his motives - why is this time different? It really infuriates me when I think of how he's belittled your concerns about possible ongoing infidelity when you were RIGHT! Filing isn't a bad idea. It's gonna take a LONG time for him to really prove he's sincere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I would also question his motives - why is this time different? It really infuriates me when I think of how he's belittled your concerns about possible ongoing infidelity when you were RIGHT! Filing isn't a bad idea. It's gonna take a LONG time for him to really prove he's sincere.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: If its even possible at this point.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I would also question his motives - why is this time different?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not. It's manipulation cuz deep down he is nothing but a cowardly little boy.

Sorry for being harsh, LD.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> It's not. It's manipulation cuz deep down he is nothing but a cowardly little boy.
> 
> Sorry for being harsh, LD.


That's my worry. LD, you have such a big heart that I worry he is taking advantage of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I would also question his motives - why is this time different? It really infuriates me when I think of how he's belittled your concerns about possible ongoing infidelity when you were RIGHT! Filing isn't a bad idea. It's gonna take a LONG time for him to really prove he's sincere.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yesterday was rough but in the evening he started to really seem remorseful. He has seemed remorseful before for a day or two but this time he's saying how awful he feels , how he doesnt want to lose me. I have constantly told him that the only way I feel like I can protect my heart is to divorce him and he seems to really be sad about that. Last night I told him this is an awful feeling, he said he knows then he asked specifically what I meant and I told him that I have to put myself out there AGAIN and depend on him to fix this and that honestly I dont think he's capable. He was sad to hear me say that, I could see it in his eyes. I dont for a minute think that he's going to go to a counselor and we are going to live happily ever after. I'd like to think that could happen but I dont have much faith in it. I dont feel like I can let my guard down at all no matter how much he tells me he loves me (when he hasnt in a while, unless I said it first), no matter how many times he puts his arms around me and holds me. There is that constant doubt in my mind. Based on the history of our relationship Im not willing to trust anything at this point.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How does he seem remorseful? What actions is he doing to show this? Crying and looks of sorrow may not necessarily be remorse, only regret that he got caught.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What does he say about the OW? About his feelings for her?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Smh I don't get why he doesn't see your viewpoint. He was just telling her I love you days ago but now saying he doesn't? The biggest problem IMO is that he loves himself first and more than anyone else. He really felt pretty confident that he'd be able to keep this up. Any time your guy was getting to you, he could just belittle you in to backing down. I'm so sorry LD. I was genuinely hoping that this wasn't the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> What does he say about the OW? About his feelings for her?


He said he just started talking to her again a couple of months ago. That he was just telling her that after she would tell him. I guess he told her what she wanted to hear. Hell he told her he was living with his friend and her daughter lives right around the corner from the guy. She could have driven by the house a million times if she wanted. He told me that his relationship with her was physical. I suppose her was more physically attracted to her then me. I've always struggled with my weight but 7 years ago I lost 80 lbs and have put back on about 30 over the years. From the rapid weight loss before and having 3 kids my skin became a little loose in areas. Nonetheless he loved me before when I had the fat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LD...this isn't about your weight in the least bit. This is about a broken man. A man who doesn't deserve someone like you. As he told her exactly what she wanted to hear, he has the same hold over you, I'm afraid.

Do you honestly believe this just started up a couple of months ago? I mean, you've been on here for quite some time talking about your worries and fears...how he acts and reacts toward you. The rugsweeping...not wanting to talk.

Why do you think that is?

Again, I am so sorry for sounding harsh with you. I merely wish for you to clear your eyes and your mind. To see the man who is truly in front of you.

You're scared. It's okay to admit that. We understand.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

I am actually starting to question if anyone is happy in marriage/their relationship. Is it all a game and about selfishness? Doesn't that go against what marriage is supposed to be? I've only experienced a small part of what LD has gone through yet, the similarities are startling. The complete lack of concern for this other person who was supposed to be THAT ONE person you wanted to be with. Are people too afraid to be the "bad guy" and think that this whole sneaking around, lying, manipulating, rugsweeping , blame shifting all done to make the bs the bad person? I would have a lot more respect for the WS who says, we've both changed and are not right for each other any more.

LD. Please don't trust him again. My gut tells me that he's just saying what you want to hear right now. If you make some changes (file??) and he's still telling you that he wants to be the good guy maybe then you could consider it. He's doing the same cr*p as my H which is whatever he can say to fool you into kind of believing. Don't fall for it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> LD...this isn't about your weight in the least bit. This is about a broken man. A man who doesn't deserve someone like you. As he told her exactly what she wanted to hear, he has the same hold over you, I'm afraid.
> 
> Do you honestly believe this just started up a couple of months ago? I mean, you've been on here for quite some time talking about your worries and fears...how he acts and reacts toward you. The rugsweeping...not wanting to talk.
> 
> ...


Dig, I don't for one minute believe anything he has said about any of this. I'm merely stating what he has said. The truth is that right now I feel lost. I would love to be able to really change things this time but I know it's likely to not work so I have little to no faith. He hasn't always been like this. We had many good years together, 16 to be exact. I never had a doubt before 2006 of his love for me. I think he is really messed up in the head, very selfish and narcissistic! Can he change, maybe...maybe not! I have not told him I'm giving him another shot because i dont know that I am, or can. Every waking moment, even the ones when I should be sleeing I'm doubting all of this! He doesn't have me fooled at all! His actions the last day and a half have been different then the times before but I put little stock in that! At this moment I don't know up from down to be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need a serious break, an emotional break. He's had you on the brink of a meltdown for so long now.

Can you give yourself a timeout? Go to a quiet place, do some deep breathing & then ask yourself how you want your life to be five years from now. How do you picture yourself being happy? You've been sharing your H and living day to day with the pain. If he stays, what will your life be like with him five years on? Try to think calmly about it.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

Listen to this it will really calm you down and think clearly. I use it a lot. 

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=cCJJwkbn-eY&desktop_uri=/watch?v=cCJJwkbn-eY

And do what aD recommends, really think.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> You need a serious break, an emotional break. He's had you on the brink of a meltdown for so long now.
> 
> Can you give yourself a timeout? Go to a quiet place, do some deep breathing & then ask yourself how you want your life to be five years from now. How do you picture yourself being happy? You've been sharing your H and living day to day with the pain. If he stays, what will your life be like with him five years on? Try to think calmly about it.


^^^ This LD!
Honey, you deserve better you know you do. Just let him go. You are seriously damaging your health by putting up with his crap. Emotionally and physically he has worn you down. He is a selfish selfish man.
I know it's hard, I know it's painful, but you can put and end to this today.
Just let him go, and see what happens.

PS - this is t about your weight, but I will take a long shot and say the reason you have put weight back on is because you are so unhappy in your marriage. Your self esteem must be at rock bottom. Let the drama go. Send it out into the world and let him clean up his own shet. Concentrate on yourself, get yourself emotionally and physically well. 180 is cheating azz!
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> *I never had a doubt before 2006 of his love for me. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would like for you to say this again...OUT LOUD to yourself and do so looking in the mirror. Say it three or four times.

Then realize it is 2013.

*SEVEN YEARS!!!*

That is why you don't have faith. I know this is tough. Good God do I know this sh-t is tough. I know the feeling of being lost and I certainly know the feeling of being scared. Yes. Me. Dig - a guy scared of what happened and IF Regret and I could reconcile.

But see...Regret immediately on Dday understood the magnitude of her betrayal. She has constantly done heavy lifting for me...including taking days off from work when I was in some really dark places. She listens every single time I have a flashback or have a question and she doesn't do it with any hesitation.

She's not acting like that merely because she is a woman either. She's acting like that because she is truly sorry and remorseful for what she did. There are plenty of wayward men on this forum who do the same thing she does. I just wanted to make that clear because this isn't a man or woman thing.

It's a true remorse thing.

And from everything you've written since arriving, he doesn't have that.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I know everyone here only wants the best for me but sometimes I cant help but read theses posts and hear "Barb, you're a complete idiot, you need to leave him and if you dont you're even more of an idiot" 

I know you only want whats best for me, you want to see me happy. I know I deserve to be happy, Im not a bad person!

I guess for me the difference is that this time Im really leaning towards divorce as being the best option but when people make me feel stupid it makes me want to prove them wrong (even if I cant I will try).

This is not my first merry go round, Ive been on it for a while. I can honestly say that ALL of the other times any threats I have made of divorce have been just that, used as a scare tactic to get him to open his eyes and as soon as he started being sweet again I would go back to the pathetic sap that I was before. I begged him to come home a few times, I pleaded with him to care about our marriage. I was stupid and I still might look stupid and do stupid things but my eyes are open a little more this time.

7 years ago my husband lost his father suddenly and he never let go of that. He blames his only brother because his brother was going through crap, as he had all his life, and was dealing with jail, restraining orders, DuI's etc. My H thought if he wasnt putting all that stress and burden on his father he wouldnt have died from a massive heart attack in the street walking to his car, three days after returning home from seeing us in TX. He is not a man of many emotions and doesnt know how to deal with that. Right after that his mother came to live with us as she had noone else. We all went on the SBD and lost weight (he lost 115 lbs, I lost 80). At that point he started getting attention he never got before and I guess he didnt have enough self control to act on it. He started a new job where it was just he and the other woman for a year or so. She was married to an alcoholic husband and wasnt happy. My husband took advantage of the situation. Im not trying to make excuses but anyone that knows my husband knows he's isnt easy to get to know. He does not have an outgoing personality or make an attempt to befriend anyone. During the time after he lost weight and was working with the hag his mother and I started butting heads. She lost alot of weight too and went crazy, if you ask me. She got her nose pierced, tattoos, etc. WH was shocked by her change after his dad died and started losing respect for her. It got so bad at one point that we had a huge fight in the house and his mother left. He didnt talk to her for 2 years. In that time she called me to apologize and we talked about mistakes on both parts and forgave each other. During the time I was reconnecting with his mother he and I were separated and he was seeing both of us...cake eating. I was taking what I could get and allowing him to do it because I couldnt stand the thought of losing him (why I dont know). The stress from the back and forth caused him to put back on most of his weight. He wanted to come home in 2010 and I let him. Although looking back we didnt go about it the right way. He made the rules and I allowed it. STUPID I KNOW! His mom continued to reach out to him but he was hesitant and would avoid her at all costs. I think he felt bad for the mistakes he had made, was upset with her for the changes she had made and didnt want to face them. In October 2011 he called me from work crying asking if his mother had called me. She had cancer, stage 4 small cell lung cancer and they gave her 2 weeks to live without chemo and 2 mos with chemo. The hospital wouldnt keep her and said she was too weak to go back and forth to the dr for chemo so my H and his brother took her to KY (their home town, where she had some family left and where she would be buried). She lived with his brother (who he was and is still bitter about) and after a month she seemed to be doing well with the chemo. Then his stupid brother got into an arguement with his dying mother and told her she had to leave and go live with her sister. The next two weeks were downhill. They took her back to the hospital and they admitted her. She was BAD!! The cancer had grown and she had lost all desire to live after the episode with her oldest son. I had to drag my husband to KY, he hated me all the way there. He didnt want to see his mother in the shape that she was in but I told him that the Dr's were amazed she hadnt let go and that he needed to go because she might be waiting on him. I told him he could hate me all he wanted but he needed to do this. We got there and I spoke to her, held her hand, told her we were there and loved her then I walked out of the room and left him to talk to her. I told him that she might not respond but she could hear him and he needed to tell her anything he needed to tell her. It wasnt even 5 minutes he walks out of the room with tears in his eyes saying she took her last breath. I ran in and checked and she was gone. She waited for him to get there (fyi, he had flown to FL when he first found out about her cancer and made amends with her and we had gone up two weeks later to KY so the kids could see her before she passed). He called his brother and told him and they never spoke another word...not at the funeral home making arrangements, not at the funeral, not at the gravesite and not in the 13 mos since she has been gone.

I dont know why Im telling you all this. I guess I feel like I need someone to understand why I think he is screwed up in the head. It doesnt and never will justify what he did to me and the kids through all of this. I feel like if he really wants to deal with his demons that I should give him that chance. Maybe I'd be better off leaving him and letting him deal with them alone but Im not sure my heart can abandon him. 

Everyone in my life has abandoned me at some point, maybe thats why I see things the way that I do. I know it doesnt make it right but its the reason I have for dealing with all of this.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LD - I wish I could throw a cloak of protection over you. Da*n him. You know I am all about saving a marriage. I have kids too, and that was one of my main motivators after my husbands screw up to try and save our family.

However, my opinion on your situation - he is just playing you yet again. He has not changed at all, and most likely has been cheating this entire time. It does not matter what hardships he has endured or why he is messed up in the head...all cheaters are messed up in the head. Everyone has tragedy in their lives, yet not everyone cheats.

If I were you, I would tell him he needs to move out. You said you seriously have divorce on your mind as an option this time. You need to get a feel of what life will be like without him. Let him go stay at a friends house. If he chooses to stay at hers, then you KNOW he is BSing you. If he is truly remorseful, he will stay 1000 miles away from her. I don't think he will. They have a very long relationship. He won't give her up just like that. He knew he could lose you before, yet he chose to ignore it. He is not a changed man. He is a very selfish and coldhearted little boy.

You are amazing - kind, smart, and generous. Please get rid of him now, if even only temporarily. Give yourself some breathing room. If you can, see a counselor by yourself. Tell him that you need him to move out and you want a seperation to see what you want. Tell him that it would be in his best interest to see a counselor on his own, but that in no way means that you will want him any more or that it will change your mind about anything. Tell him it is your time to decide what you want. Tell him you are disgusted by his actions and you don't want to be around him now.

If he can't take it or chooses not to wait or fix himself, you will know that he is just blowing smoke. I honestly believe the only way for you to get a clear picture of what he is is to let him go. If he truly wants you and your family, he will fight for you. You need to let him fight now. Then you can decide. 

Tell him to move out. Don't give him a time table. Tell him you need time and space. AGAIN - if he truly wants you and your family, he will fight for you. 

I wish I could kick him in the nut$ for you....over and over again.

Hugs


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

LD 

I've followed your story for a long time as a lurker. 

You are obviously a really great person and you love your husband more than he deserves but he is kicking the crap out of your heart and your self esteem and you keep allowing it. 

This merry go round won't ever stop spinning if there aren't real consequences for him. Serving him with D papers and a temporary seperation seems to me the least that should happen, but my vote is to nuke the marriage as he's had more than enough chances. 

At the same time it does seem clear that despite your heart being crushed over and over again by this selfish man that you aren't ready yet to go thru the pain of letting go of your marriage. 

I do wish you the strength to do what's best for you and your kids.

"Do everything thats in you
That you feel to be your part
But never give your love, my friend,
Unto a foolish heart"


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

You sound like an abused woman and you are. He hurts you, you "call the police on him" then you feel bad that he's in "jail" so you let him come back. Then he tells you he didn't mean it, he's sorry, he will never do it again and he will do everything to make you happy. You let him back in and the cycle repeats itself.

I was really rooting for you this time LD but the way you are posting just tells me that the cycle is indeed going to repeat itself and that makes me very sad for you.

Don't go to counseling with him, don't care about him getting counseling. The only person in this that I can see who needs counseling and will actually benefit from it is you. Please see someone and NOT with him. See someone on your own. I'm really sorry you are going through this and I am cheering for you hoping that you find the strength that is there and keeps getting repressed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he's screwed up. But you can't fix him. I understand that you want to.

I think the biggest problem is that you are scared of your life without him. Most of us (maybe all) who have divorced or are in the process of divorcing have felt that in the beginning.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I know everyone here only wants the best for me but sometimes I cant help but read theses posts and hear "Barb, you're a complete idiot, you need to leave him and if you dont you're even more of an idiot"
> 
> I know you only want whats best for me, you want to see me happy. I know I deserve to be happy, Im not a bad person!
> 
> ...


Sorry Letdown but this is all very complicated. The truth is our boundaries are not complicated. 
It's unhealthy for whatever reason to allow your boundaries to be destroyed like they have been. 
You know my story, life gets complicated when your parents are messed up, it's time for your hubby to put on his big boy pants and he can't do that with you there being his whipping girl.

If you love him kick him out and let him earn his way back slowly...and not while he's banging that sack of bones. It's the only way he will get fixed.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

LD, The only people that change are those that really want to. I don't think he wants to? In your heart, do you? He has had YEARS to make some changes and he has chosen NOT to! 

Yes, life's circumstances have been challenging, but everyone has some type of BS going on, and those issues do not allow, justify or excuse the CHOICES he has made and continues to make. As I always say to my kids...life is series of choices and consequences. Make the right choices! 

Please think twice before you continue down this mud bath that he is on. He is dragging you through the mud. Don't try and fix him, he has to fix himself and the reality is that he has to want to fix himself.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I know everyone here only wants the best for me but sometimes I cant help but read theses posts and hear *"Barb, you're a complete idiot, you need to leave him and if you dont you're even more of an idiot" *


Not at all.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I've got to say it...the fact that you are questioning things and some of your concern is over body issues...he has done a significant number on your esteem. You need to get yourself back and surround yourself with people who truly see your value and beauty. You need to send him away for awhile. Then you need to go out and have fun. Get a taste of life as it can be and will be if you take your life back and stop letting him make all of the calls. 

I am so torn because I know it is easier to give advice than take it. I pray that I do not find myself in your shoes. If I do, I promise I will be on here and I pray that everyone lays into me and tells me - "You gave it your best. You are a great person, but it is time to take your life back. Life goes on without a loser dragging you down." Kick him the flip out....arggg...I am so angry for you. 

If you want answers, write down a list of questions...don't bother taking them to a therapist...don't go with him. Make sure your kids are not around, then tell him...OK, so let's start with some answers. NEVER tell him that anything you do will assist you with a decision to stay with him. Tell him that's just what you need. If he refuses, kindly tell him "OK. I see how remorseful you are. That's fine, but please still pack your things and leave me alone for awhile."

I cannot stress it enough...get him out of the house, even just for now.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> LD, The only people that change are those that really want to. I don't think he wants to? In your heart, do you? He has had YEARS to make some changes and he has chosen NOT to!


Can he? I dont know? 
Do I think he can? If he wants to! 

Do I think he has had too many opportunities that he has blown? HELL YES!! But have I not allowed that? YES, because I have been weak and pathetic, just like everyone here sees, and allowed him to do whatever just so he would come home. 

Did I feel like I was ALLOWING it? NO, because I ultimately didnt want it but I realize that I didnt stand up to him and settled for less then I deserve.

Do I know what the fvck is the right thing to do right now? NO! My head is swimming, my heart is hurting, my stomach is aching and Im trying to sort it all out. I have eaten 2 small meals since Thursday, nothing in between. Im miserable, I hate him, I hate myself for allowing all that I have, I hate my life. I am just over it all!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I've got to say it...the fact that you are questioning things and some of your concern is over body issues...he has done a significant number on your esteem.


One thing I cant blame him for is hurting my self esteem. It was messed up before he even came along. That goes back to a dysfunctional relationship with my mom and my absent dad.

He hasnt helped it any so yes its gotten worse.

When I was at my highest weight he used to tell me he loved me no matter what I size I was because he loved the person I was on the inside. 

Not that any of that matters, just saying!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Can he? I dont know?
> Do I think he can? If he wants to!
> 
> Do I think he has had too many opportunities that he has blown? HELL YES!! But have I not allowed that? YES, because I have been weak and pathetic, just like everyone here sees, and allowed him to do whatever just so he would come home.
> ...


YOU DIDN'T ALLOW IT! YOU DIDN'T ALLOW IT! It is OK to hurt, but it is not OK for you to feel like you had any part in his stupid choices. It is not OK to think that you were weak. You were loving. You were generous. You believe in your marrige vowes. 

What is the right thing to do now? Heal yourself. Only you can do that. You will not be able to do that with him around. He will play you and keep you right where you are right now. If he wants you and your family, he will wait, and he will fight. You don't owe it to him to give him any help with changing. You can't help him...again, you can't help him.

You need time to think. You need good friends and family to talk to (besides us here on TAMS  not listen to anything he has to say right now because he will play with your emotions and make empty promises yet again. Tell him you want some answers, but just answers to your specific qhestions, and nothing welse. Then get him out of the house...take a long weekend with kids at friends or family...go out with a girlfriend and relax. 

Get him gone...for now. You need that. He is still being abusive. Your health is already starting to take a nosedive already - you are not eating...that is physical and emotional abuse. Take care of you.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Can he? I dont know?
> Do I think he can? If he wants to!
> 
> LD, this answer says it all. I saw an Oprah show years ago and it said the following:
> ...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pls LD, if you do NOTHING else, do not take the blame for his head games. Everyone has their own issues. Everyone. NONE of what you wrote is an excuse for what he is doing to you and his children.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Pls LD, if you do NOTHING else, do not take the blame for his head games. Everyone has their own issues. Everyone. NONE of what you wrote is an excuse for what he is doing to you and his children.


:iagree:

Sounds like you are trying to take most of the blame for what happened and making excuses for his behavior.

If you never let him own it himself, he will never change or get the help he needs.

It is obvious you love him. And you know what they say, if you love them, set them free. He needs to find his own path. Without you shouldering the work.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I believe you know deep down if you put on him the pressure required to prove you he really all in -filing, kicking him out, testing his resolve... - he will fail the test.
You are not ready to lose him so you won't test him knowing ther predictable outcome.
I believe you know he won't even come clean about what has been a complete false reconciliation from the get go.

I really don't know how to help you at this moment but telling you I'm so sorry friend.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've been with your H so long that you have become for him the comfortable backdrop to his life. He seems to need that and also seems to know that he can play you so that that backdrop stays in place. This has been going on long enough that it's not a secret at all between the two of you: He is a man with a family and a mistress and you are the suffering, accepting wife.

You have two choices here, imo. One gives you an outcome that you can be sure of. One has a question mark attached.

- You can stay and keep applying, rinsing, and repeating. Your H will probably stick around, but will also keep his mistress.

- You can make the break from him and take a chance on being in control for once. If you do this, there is the possibility that your H has a come-to-Jesus moment regarding the way he has treated his family. This happens sometimes. If not, you have a chance for a life without the daily betrayal. Just a chance, of course, because there are no guarantees...

Right now you are living a tragic drama. You can choose to try something else. It's very hard and has no assured outcome. We all understand your dilemma, LD. It feels very much like you have no good choices. I hope you decide to finally give yourself a break.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Pls LD, if you do NOTHING else, do not take the blame for his head games. Everyone has their own issues. Everyone. NONE of what you wrote is an excuse for what he is doing to you and his children.





vi_bride04 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Sounds like you are trying to take most of the blame for what happened and making excuses for his behavior.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with both of these. LD, we're not trying to beat you up or down in any way at all. We're simply trying to help you see things a little more clearly. You're in the middle of your own Hell and it's tough to see sometimes. Here is the very first line from your very first post here at TAM...



> My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. In the last 5 he has had a PA that lasted 3 years. For the last two years he has been home and we have been "working on it". Which usually amounts to me just dealing with whatever I'm feeling and him thinking everything is fine all the time, til we have an argument and he blows up at me making me feel like its not even worth feeling what I'm feeling.


This...is a vicious cycle.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Sounds like you are trying to take most of the blame for what happened and making excuses for his behavior.
> 
> ...


I dont understand what I have said that makes anyone think that I am taking the blame for his actions? I dont for a minute think that I am at fault for anything..PERIOD! If he wasnt happy he should have never come home 3 years ago. If he realized at any point he wasnt happy he could have left. There have been opportunities! I have not asked him to stay, nor have I begged and pleaded with him to stay and to love me in the last 3 years. I have told him the door is there and offered him an out any time I felt things were not going as they should.

I know that I have been a good wife, I know that not many wives would put up with the crap Ive put up with. I know that Im forgiving and loving. I dont take the blame for any of this.

I feel like Im a strong person, I have dealt with alot of BS in my life between my mom and dad, my husband, and life in general. Just because I am stronger doesnt mean that I expect everyone else to be like me. Maybe Im not stronger maybe Im just tolerable and learn to deal with things, I dont know. My point is that my H might not be as strong as I am in dealing with his own traumas which has messed up his head. Do I think any of it is a reason to cheat...NO!! But Im not in his head, I dont know how he processes things, sees things and rationalizes things. Who am I to say that he isnt genuinely messed up.

Now I could leave or tell him to go and I might be happier, but then again...I might not! I wont know til it happens. BUT the question that Im struggling with right now is .... will I be able to be happy knowing that I abandoned him when he really was ready to change? As many of you have said, maybe its him telling me what I want to hear but some of the things he has said and done recently make me think that maybe Im wrong this time. I dont know...it all boils down to I dont know what to do or whats right!

I think the difference this time is not necessarily with him but with me because Ive been closer to going through with D then I have ever been. I just have to feel in my heart its the right thing to do (knowing and feeling are two different things). I am the one that has to wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> :iagree: with both of these. LD, we're not trying to beat you up or down in any way at all. We're simply trying to help you see things a little more clearly. You're in the middle of your own Hell and it's tough to see sometimes. Here is the very first line from your very first post here at TAM...
> 
> 
> 
> This...is a vicious cycle.


Wow - OK - I should have gone way back and read the first post. A 3 year affair...and now again. That is his lifestyle. I think unless he has some real tragedy (and even death in the family and your threats of leaving have not been enough - so what really does he consider a tragedy?) the above poster is right. You will continue to live a life with him, but he will continue to have (and I hate the word) a mistress. That has been the life that he has given you....not the life you chose, but the one he so selfishly chose for you. He is not worthy of you. He is not. 

History speaking, he has nothing left to offer you other than what you have been living for the past X amount of years. You need to decide if you are OK with that, or decide that you have had enough. Neither will be easy, but I hope whatever you do, you know your value and you give yourself some breathing room away from him for awhile. 

Honestly, I am angry....not at you...I wish I could give you a hug. We all know your worth here. We know how great you are. This is not our story at the moment, so we see it all to clear. I am so sorry. Just keep him away for awhile.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm gonna back down from CWI for a bit, however before I check out LD I want you to know that none of us (at least not me) think anything less of you or anyone else for their decision to stay in a marriage or divorce.



> ...will I be able to be happy knowing that I abandoned him when he really was ready to change


Even IF you leave, YOU didn't abandon him. He abandoned you AND your children for years. You are the one who held things together...for all of ya's!! And what has he done and how has he repaid you?

New Year's day. Remember that one?



> I told myself that I was going to make some changes in 2013, either I was going to work harder at trusting and not worrying or I was going to walk away from the marriage because living like this is horrible!! The constant worry, stress, feeling like you mean nothing to someone that you have given everything to. Its no way to live.
> 
> I have continued to "snoop" on my WH thru his work emails. On Mondays he gets an expense report for what he put on his company cc the week before. I see there is a lunch at a chinese restaurant for two and its in the city thats half way between WH and POSOW. So of course it upsets me because I instantly think he met her there for lunch the day after Christmas (he was a grinch for a month leading up to Christmas because of finances but after we opened up presents he was fine and seems normal again). Also the day after Christmas 3 years ago when he said he wanted to come home he also went to eat chinese with POSOW. So that was a huge trigger. I decided that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I didnt have solid proof and if I asked he would lie and be mad that I was snooping. I tried that but it affected my mood, I had been in a good mood most of the day but then seeing that it all shifted. He noticed all night and was equally put off but kept asking me what my problem was, why the mood swing, etc. I just said I was fine (biggest lie anyone ever told).
> 
> ...


It was your promise. Your resolution. Look at how much of a swooshbag he was in just this post alone.

Sorry for being an ass myself here, but I'd say ICD-9 code 995.81 applies.

That would be Battered Person Syndrome and is used in cases of physical AND psychological abuse.

Take care. I pray peace for you and your children.


EDIT to add the etiology of BPS: (replace the word "violence" with smarmy comments and whatever else - doesn't have to be physical) The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thinking of you today and sending you a hug. I know you're hurting. The only thing I can offer is that no decision has to be made today. No decision has to be made tomorrow. 

Schedule some time for an IC if you can, see if you can get some time away by yourself if you can and give yourself some breathing room. 

It's not unreasonable to ask him to go spend time at a relative/friend's house if you need that space just to clear your thoughts.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I think we're all reacting so strongly in your defense because we've seen your caring and compassionate nature for others here. We all want to jump in and protect you and feel helpless on the sidelines.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> *I dont understand what I have said that makes anyone think that I am taking the blame for his actions? I dont for a minute think that I am at fault for anything..PERIOD! If he wasnt happy he should have never come home 3 years ago. If he realized at any point he wasnt happy he could have left. There have been opportunities! I have not asked him to stay, nor have I begged and pleaded with him to stay and to love me in the last 3 years. I have told him the door is there and offered him an out any time I felt things were not going as they should.*
> 
> Logically speaking - you are right. However, he was happy having his family and having another woman.
> 
> ...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Thanks LookingfortheSun, that is what I meant by my post, you just said it alot better than I could


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I'm gonna back down from CWI for a bit, however before I check out LD I want you to know that none of us (at least not me) think anything less of you or anyone else for their decision to stay in a marriage or divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> I think we're all reacting so strongly in your defense because we've seen your caring and compassionate nature for others here. We all want to jump in and protect you and feel helpless on the sidelines.


Yes - we all care very much. Personally speaking, I don't know why, but when I see another dedicated wife who was betrayed by her cheating husband yet again, I take it a bit personally. I have zero tolerance. I hope I can maintain that in my own R.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> BUT the question that Im struggling with right now is .... will I be able to be happy knowing that I abandoned him when he really was ready to change?


The change has to come completely from him at this stage. Sadly and ironically, abandoning him is probably the only thing that will force this change, if it can happen at all.

Whether you can be happy is never knowable. I always tell my children when they ask for a recipe for a desired outcome that there is no surefire recipe - you can only stack the deck in your favor and then hope for the best.

If you can bring yourself to be fundamentally selfish, you stack the deck in your favor with your H. He understands this type of selfishness - he can read that and understand it. If you start acting like this, he will know what it means & won't like it. It could be the only kick he will respond to.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Trust yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> The change has to come completely from him at this stage. Sadly and ironically, *abandoning him is probably the only thing that will force this change, if it can happen at all.*
> 
> Whether you can be happy is never knowable. I always tell my children when they ask for a recipe for a desired outcome that there is no surefire recipe - you can only stack the deck in your favor and then hope for the best.
> 
> *If you can bring yourself to be fundamentally selfish, you stack the deck in your favor with your H. He understands this type of selfishness - he can read that and understand it. If you start acting like this, he will know what it means & won't like it. It could be the only kick he will respond to.*


This post is priceless.
Please, read it once and again. Naked truth.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LD - checking in. I hope you are ok considering. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> LD - checking in. I hope you are ok considering. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way


Thanks for asking, I am alive and minus 8lbs today. WOO HOO. I have been working my ass for for 2 mos and havent lost 8 lbs, high five to my WH for the rapid weight loss.

Someone said that being in R and having a DDay is worse then the original DDay and I have to say I agree. I havent cried as much today I just feel numb inside and out.

Going to see a counselor on Saturday. There are about 50 pages of crap to fill out for that so I have been doing that all day. Hope he's a good one!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Thanks for asking, I am alive and minus 8lbs today. WOO HOO. I have been working my ass for for 2 mos and havent lost 8 lbs, high five to my WH for the rapid weight loss.
> 
> Someone said that being in R and having a DDay is worse then the original DDay and I have to say I agree. I havent cried as much today I just feel numb inside and out.
> 
> Going to see a counselor on Saturday. There are about 50 pages of crap to fill out for that so I have been doing that all day. Hope he's a good one!


Hang in there. Hope the counselor helps. Is it IC or MC?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What is going on with your H? Has he left the house?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX, I read through all this and my heart was breaking for you.

But I have to say that I feel he is playing you. Like he has done before.

You just need to get out. and get out for good. The relationship is toxic.

I hope the very best for you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> What is going on with your H? Has he left the house?


He is still here, talking about how much he is going to change, how much he wants to change, how he knows he has ruined years of our life together, how he doesnt know life without me and he doesnt want to, he regrets doing all he has done to ruin our marriage.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Hang in there. Hope the counselor helps. Is it IC or MC?


He does both, but we will be going to the first appt together so he can see where we stand then decide from there.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Ld,

((((((((mwuh!))))))))


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I hope you can take care of yourself emotionally. You said that this is worse than the first Dday. My experience with trauma is that at one point when the blows keep coming, you just shut down to protect yourself. This actually helps, this going cold. 

Try to take each hour as it comes. I'm not perky or touchy-feely, so all I can do is give you some quiet aD vibes of support from the left coast. Hope you can feel them.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LD - again - so sorry ;(

You are right - DDs during R hurt much worse...I had 4 total. And like a previous poster said, shutting down is the next thing you will do. That is your own self telling you to protect from anymore harm. 

Weight loss - yes- the only good thing from infidelity, don't you agree? However, its not the right way to do it. Please force yourself to eat...at least stay hydrated. tell yourself that you are going to eat a bowl of cereal or a sandwch at least 3 times a day. Your body will go into starvation mode and your organs will be affected. It may cause irreversable damage...don't let him continue to hurtoyu physically this way too. Eat out of spite if you have to.

As for his whining and pleading...you still need time to regroup and time to think without his face around. You need him out of your head. If there is a chance that he is remorseful this time and a "changed man", he needs to know what life would be like without you. He needs to feel what it is like to be put out to pasture. If he is remorseful, he will give you space and wait. 

Do not put much faith in anything he says right now. You caught him red handed...what is he going to say...oops, my bad? 

His world needs to be shaken up. He needs to know that you will be just fine without him, and should YOU decide that you want to give it another go, it will be on your time and your terms.

Stay strong. Don't give up. Know your worth. Remember he lied to you for X number of years....he should not be trusted at the moment. Eat a Big Mac and large fries  Hugs! You can do this!!!!!!!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> He was sad to hear me say that, I could see it in his eyes. I dont for a minute think that he's going to go to a counselor and we are going to live happily ever after. I'd like to think that could happen but I dont have much faith in it. I dont feel like I can let my guard down at all no matter how much he tells me he loves me (when he hasnt in a while, unless I said it first), no matter how many times he puts his arms around me and holds me. There is that constant doubt in my mind. Based on the history of our relationship Im not willing to trust anything at this point.


LetDown,

It's so easy to let the sadness in their eyes affect us because we do love them so much. I believe your husband is sad ( as mine always is) but you can't let his sadness sway you at this point. What about all the sadness you've carried? I think these situations are so hard when both parties still love each other so much. In my case, I've decided it's safer for me to love from a distance than to risk my heart again. I hope that whatever decision you make, it brings you peace and happiness.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Just checkin in LD. You doin ok all things considered?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Just checkin in LD. You doin ok all things considered?


Im getting by! Just trying not to spend every waking moment thinking and analyzing everything.

My stomach is a mess. I have no desire to eat and when I force myself I feel worse.

Thanks for caring!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've been thinking and analyzing for a long time. Your H has been cake-eating without much care.

Why not give up the fight for a day and give yourself a break? Just say 'the h3ll with it, I don't give a sh!t' and go do something just for yourself. Even if the mood lasts for just an hour, you've had some relief.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

> Thanks for asking, I am alive and minus 8lbs today. WOO HOO. I have been working my ass for for 2 mos and havent lost 8 lbs, high five to my WH for the rapid weight loss.





> Im getting by! Just trying not to spend every waking moment thinking and analyzing everything.
> 
> My stomach is a mess. I have no desire to eat and when I force myself I feel worse.


Ahhh....the infidelity diet. If we could harness this and put it in a pill, then we'd all be billionaires.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You've been thinking and analyzing for a long time. Your H has been cake-eating without much care.
> 
> Why not give up the fight for a day and give yourself a break? Just say 'the h3ll with it, I don't give a sh!t' and go do something just for yourself. Even if the mood lasts for just an hour, you've had some relief.


Would love to be able to walk out the door right now and be able to do something that I want to do but I care for children all day so thats not possible. Maybe once everyone is gone but usually by then Im so tired I just want to lay on the couch and watch tv.

I went to the gym last night, that counts for something, right? LOL


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im getting by! Just trying not to spend every waking moment thinking and analyzing everything.
> 
> My stomach is a mess. I have no desire to eat and when I force myself I feel worse.
> 
> Thanks for caring!


I do care! We all do. You need your strength. I hope we can give you just a little.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You're in my thoughts and prayers that you find peace through all this mess.

Something that might go easy on your stomach but keep you from becoming ill from not eating:

1/4 cup peanut butter
1/2 banana
2 cups milk

Put in a blender with some ice cubes (to the thickness you like).

You can also add some strawberries and such if you have them on hand. It will help give you some protein, milk and carbs.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I don't know if you've mentioned this and I'm sure I could have missed it but what would be your reasons for staying? I've noticed you talked about weight and how you lost 80 pounds and then i saw where you lost 8 pounds due to the recent events that you searched for and found. Then you said you haven't been able to eat anything but you mentioned that you went to the gym... 

I'm sure it is normal for us to lose weight immediately when we find out the spouse is cheating. But is this something you're doing for you or does it have something to do with the other woman... the competition, trying to figure out why he wont leave her alone. *Do you feel like if you stay you are keeping her from having him? Do you feel like if you stay you can actually be happy and trust him again? *The reason why I ask these things is because the person that has done nothing wrong is the one trying to fix things, make things right when the only real issue that lies before you is you might be married to someone that will just cheat. 

No matter how good things are or how much progress was made from the last issue... some people just cheat... so you might have to decide if you are leaving because you are tired of it and you see he wont change or are you staying because you don't want him to go be with her. Will he stay with you and not be with her and be telling the truth this time???


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

NaturalHeart said:


> I don't know if you've mentioned this and I'm sure I could have missed it but what would be your reasons for staying? I've noticed you talked about weight and how you lost 80 pounds and then i saw where you lost 8 pounds due to the recent events that you searched for and found. Then you said you haven't been able to eat anything but you mentioned that you went to the gym...
> 
> I'm sure it is normal for us to lose weight immediately when we find out the spouse is cheating. But is this something you're doing for you or does it have something to do with the other woman... the competition, trying to figure out why he wont leave her alone. *Do you feel like if you stay you are keeping her from having him? Do you feel like if you stay you can actually be happy and trust him again? *The reason why I ask these things is because the person that has done nothing wrong is the one trying to fix things, make things right when the only real issue that lies before you is you might be married to someone that will just cheat.
> 
> No matter how good things are or how much progress was made from the last issue... some people just cheat... so you might have to decide if you are leaving because you are tired of it and you see he wont change or are you staying because you don't want him to go be with her. Will he stay with you and not be with her and be telling the truth this time???


Lots of questions....

Will he stay with me and not be with her this time? Thats the million dollar question. I dont know that, which is why Im skeptical and have told him I dont have much hope he will mean it this time and do what he says he wants/can do.

I was overweight my entire life. In 2005 I lost 80 lbs, he lost 115. He put almost all of his on by 2009 as he's an emotional easter. It wasnt until the last 2 years that I started putting mine back on and at that I only put back on about 30 lbs. So the reason Im going to the gym is not to compete with her or for him. Im doing it for me because Im not where I want to be and because of all this I dont feel good about myself.

She might be skinnier then I am but she has a face only a mother could love. She is not pretty at all, narrow ass she has, beyond that she is nothing! You could park a car between her eyes! He has lived with her in the past and wanted to come home. I dont care if he's with her, he just needs to be with her and leave me the hell alone! Thats the thing he never would leave me alone when he was with her. I guess part of me enjoyed knowing he wasnt being faithful to her either by being with me when he was with her. Thats a sick thought but I was there.

I think that if he really did what he says hes going to do this time, shows remorse, seeks couseling and does what ever he needs to do to help us move forward that I might eventually get to a place of trusting him. BUT....he has alot of work to do as I have zero trust in him at this point. We were together for 16 years before he cheated and it wasnt until he lost the weight that he cheated so I dont think that I married a cheater. I think that he was immature and irresponsible and acted upon the attention he was getting from others as it stroked his ego. 

When he came home he came home saying that he was going to change but he never took the steps to change or to interact with me differently. He got back in the house and just rugswept everything. I realize this was MY FAULT for not making him accountable and forcing a change in my life, by leaving him or making him be accountable. That is what I think might make the diffference this time if I choose to R with him because there is no way, no how Im putting up with any sh!t from him from now on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Rug sweeping was his choice. Stop beating yourself up. He does that already.

Have you noticed any changes at all this week?

More honest dialogue? 

Remorse, regret, asking forgiveness?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Rug sweeping was his choice. Stop beating yourself up. He does that already.
> 
> Have you noticed any changes at all this week?
> 
> ...


The things that he is doing right now that are different from the other times. He is calling me periodically throughout the day, he is texting me alot about nothing important. He is hugging and kissing me when he walks in the door and anytime we part, he is overall speaking more politely to me, he has put Find My Friends on his phone and allowed me to track him since the blow up, he has said he would hand me his phone every day to back up and check for messages if I wanted to do that. He has asked for counseling and not balked when I said he had to fill out paperwork (he is a very private person and doesnt like counseling. Anytime in the past I am the one that has suggested it and he went a few times but didnt put any effort into it).

Now dont get me wrong, I know that he could be blowing alot of smoke up my arse but this is more then he's ever done before. I also am not dumb and know that there are ways for them to continue to communicate if they really want to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I really think you should be filing and letting him see the clock tick, you can stop the proceedings if he proves himself worthy


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd skip MC altogether.
He needs serious IC, he needs to turn every stone to find intel on how to fix what he broke: books, online support, praying, whatever.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well, at least he's making an effort to APPEAR to understand that you are serious. The thing is, and counseling will (maybe) help, is he wanting to change. Is he willing to fully commit to you and his family?

To my way of thinking, no man wants to lose his family. That's a huge incentive.

Also, you appear to have found your stride am I right?

IOW, you are not acting the same as you did when he left you several yrs ago - right?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Lots of questions....
> 
> Will he stay with me and not be with her this time? Thats the million dollar question. I dont know that, which is why Im skeptical and have told him I dont have much hope he will mean it this time and do what he says he wants/can do.
> 
> ...


And he has not left her alone since he has been back with you. This means he is still with the both of you. .... And the part about her face and all....- you find out he is still with THE FACE only a mother could love so what does that say about him.... And that is beside the point... anyway, I'm glad you are working out because you are not where you want to be yet and not being motivated by negativity and mess to get the weight off.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Well, at least he's making an effort to APPEAR to understand that you are serious. The thing is, and counseling will (maybe) help, is he wanting to change. Is he willing to fully commit to you and his family?
> 
> To my way of thinking, no man wants to lose his family. That's a huge incentive.
> 
> ...


Everytime up until this time I have been crying and begging. This time I just dont have any desire to be with him if I have to beg him to be my husband. I'd rather him be gone and give myself chance to find someone that would appreciate me!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I have been here a long time and its often aggravating to me the way people are so sure that they know whats going on with someone they dont know.

I respect just about everyone on this board and value all of your opinions but how can you know what my husband is doing if I dont even know???

IMO its pretty comparable to a drug addict. A drug addict might want to give up his addiction but might go to rehab 10 times and quit rehab only to pick back up the drugs over and over. Maybe the 11th time they go to rehab is the time when they get themselves clean and stay clean. Who would I be to say they cant or wont do it this time just because they didnt do it the other 10 times?

I understand he has put me through alot, Im not trying to protect him in any way, or justify anything he has done and I might be right here in 2 mos with egg on my face but if I chose to take that chance then Im the one to blame, right?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think you have recieved a range of advice based on experience. It's useful to you. Use it as "food for thought". I've said it before, and say it again, you are smart. You are caring. You have great insight. 

But with all that, you have to make a decision. Trust yourself. You know YOU. You know what you want. You will know when it's time to throw in the towel.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Ok everyone, letdown has made her decision to wait and see what MC and IC will do and basically wants to R if even remotely possible.
We are here for her and what she needs now is people who support her marriage not just her. She will need good advice on how to handle situations with her husband. Advice that is not just "leave him" advice. For her that is not an option at this time. Maybe later but not now.

So with that said, lets try to support her marriage even if we want to drive to Texas and b!tch slap her husband for her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

dogman said:


> Ok everyone, letdown has made her decision to wait and see what MC and IC will do and basically wants to R if even remotely possible.
> We are here for her and what she needs now is people who support her marriage not just her. She will need good advice on how to handle situations with her husband. Advice that is not just "leave him" advice. For her that is not an option at this time. Maybe later but not now.
> 
> So with that said, lets try to support her marriage even if we want to drive to Texas and b!tch slap her husband for her.


while I agree with this totally she needs to protect herself and get her ducks in a row in case things don't go as planned!

she needs to be less into r and see if he is really going to do the heavy lifting required to make a run for it. she needs to keep both eyes open and test him as to weather he is just blowing smoke up her a$$ or is really trying. or the ramifications of being in a false r is far worse and dammaging in the long run!


good luck wishing her the best!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> while I agree with this totally she needs to protect herself and get her ducks in a row in case things don't go as planned!
> 
> she needs to be less into r and see if he is really going to do the heavy lifting required to make a run for it. she needs to keep both eyes open and test him as to weather he is just blowing smoke up her a$$ or is really trying. or the ramifications of being in a false r is far worse and dammaging in the long run!
> 
> ...


Yes, of course.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> while I agree with this totally she needs to protect herself and get her ducks in a row in case things don't go as planned!
> 
> she needs to be less into r and see if he is really going to do the heavy lifting required to make a run for it. she needs to keep both eyes open and test him as to weather he is just blowing smoke up her a$$ or is really trying. or the ramifications of being in a false r is far worse and dammaging in the long run!
> 
> ...


This is very much where I am right now. I cant even say that Im 100% into R at this point but I want to see what he is willing to do, if anything. I have been doing this for a long time so I know it wont take long to know if he's blowing smoke. 

You know in the past when he's wanting to make things right I've been all giddy and happy (and stupid) and just glad that he was going to try but the reality of it was that he wasnt trying. He did what he needed to do for a very short amount of time then the snarky-ness and attitude came back and stupidly I accepted it!! Not this time.....I promise in front of God Almighty that I wont accept less then I deserve this time! I have been pushed away by people that once cared about me becuase I wont "leave him" and that on top of all of this is heartbreaking!

And since Im being honest I will admit....I dont even trust my own decision to try this time!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> Ok everyone, letdown has made her decision to wait and see what MC and IC will do and basically wants to R if even remotely possible.
> We are here for her and what she needs now is people who support her marriage not just her. She will need good advice on how to handle situations with her husband. Advice that is not just "leave him" advice. For her that is not an option at this time. Maybe later but not now.
> 
> So with that said, lets try to support her marriage even if we want to drive to Texas and b!tch slap her husband for her.


Thank you!!

BTW, I can give you directions!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LetDownNTX said:


> This is very much where I am right now. I cant even say that Im 100% into R at this point but I want to see what he is willing to do, if anything. I have been doing this for a long time so I know it wont take long to know if he's blowing smoke.
> 
> You know in the past when he's wanting to make things right I've been all giddy and happy (and stupid) and just glad that he was going to try but the reality of it was that he wasnt trying. He did what he needed to do for a very short amount of time then the snarky-ness and attitude came back and stupidly I accepted it!! Not this time.....I promise in front of God Almighty that I wont accept less then I deserve this time! I have been pushed away by people that once cared about me becuase I wont "leave him" and that on top of all of this is heartbreaking!
> 
> And since Im being honest I will admit....I dont even trust my own decision to try this time!


It sux that your having to deal with this. But I think in your heart you know it will end up the same as previous times. I'm not trying to be a downer but. I know that everybody has to reach their breaking point and you just ani't there. its building up steam and eventually you will be there.

I just can't help thinking how much happier you will be after all the tears and he is really out of your life. yes it will be hell for a couple of years but your life will blossom once you get rid of the weeds in your life.


heres to pulling for you which ever way it ends up.

keep you chin up you are by far much more valuable as a person than he ever will be.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

{{{{LD}}}} I've followed your posts and like your happy smile in your avatar so sad for your pain.

He knows exactly the right things to say.

He's shown his true self. 

Why are you attracted to that?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

LD, I went back and read your other posts so I could reply with full facts. I married a serial cheater myself and we are still together. I understand what ou are goin through and although in ar myself, I would highly suggest you reconsider R and file immediately. They never change, I live everyday waiting for the shoe to drop and he is doing the heavy lifting. (Read my threads).

Your friends are leaving because he love you and it makes them lose respect for you when you slow someone to tear you like that. It's hard to see someone you love being mistreated when they knw you can do better. I can't go into all my points because I have to run out but will go into more detail about myself so you can have another woman in your position perspective.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LetDown...just a note to say I'm thinking of you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I guess it would only be right if I updated everyone. Its been 2 weeks since the last D-Day and I didnt want to post prematurely. I wanted to give it some time and see if it stayed its course.

Counseling last week was a good thing. I think that he will be good for us, and also for myself and WH individually. I will go this week alone. I figure its best if I go first since Im the one that talks the most and will lay it all out where WH may not..HA!

The last couple of weeks have been um.....different!! My WH has become a person I wasnt sure he was capable of becoming, ever! He has been reassuring, and loving. And most importantly he has been transparent! He put a tracker on his phone so that I would know where he was at all times. I try not to be obsessive about it but I look a few times a day and its nice to know where he is. A few times in the last two weeks Ive had rough days and he has been wanting to talk to me about them, reassuring me that the past is "DONE" and that he doesnt want that life anymore because he loves me. Those are all things that Ive longed to hear but Im still skeptical and figure I will be for a long time. Yesterday was very different from anything I have ever experienced before with him. He called me about lunchtime, said he had to meet his boss in Baytown (that is the town that he would often meet his skank in as it was half way between their works) for lunch because his boss was delivering a bonus check to him. He said he wanted to let me know before I tracked him and worried and that if I wanted to call and talk to his boss that was fine. I thanked him for telling me and hung up. Then I texted him curious where they were meeting and he told me. It was a place he doesnt like so I asked why there and he said thats the place his boss picked. I felt his answers were short so I wondered if his boss was there and if he was I wasnt going to keep texting him and bothering him. When I said "is he there yet" he replied with a picture of his boss walking up the walkway to the restaurant. It made me smile the biggest smile and I almost teared up! He has NEVER gone this far to prove to me that he is being honest. 

I realize now that all the times I thought we were working on things we werent. He was just saying and doing what he had to do to keep me quiet and it wasnt even alot at that. He would say things like "I told you its over , you can either believe me or not", a get over it type of mentality. He has been so different this time I wonder if this might be it, maybe this time he is going to do right? I dont want to let my guard down but Im not going to lie and say that it hasnt been nice having this person that Ive loved most of my life finally act like Im worth something for the first time in 6 years. We went fishing last weekend with the kids and after alot of smack talk on my part I was the first and only one to catch a fish...I was over the moon and my son snapped a picture of me. My WH fwd'd the pic to his phone and set it as his background and has been looking at it and talking about how happy I look and how proud I am. I told him he hasnt seen me happy in the last 6 years, he must have forgotten what I look like.

I know its still early and things can change. I am not delusional thinking 'oh he loves me and he's never going to do anything bad again, blah blah blah'. I know that there are ways around all of this if he wants to continue with the lifestyle he has been living but he assures me that he doesnt want that and that he isnt looking for ways around it. I can only hope he is being honest and that this lasts. I'll let you know if it does!


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Pulling for you, my friend! You know, someone mentioned a trip to TX for a group b**** slap. Wouldn't it be cool if we had a state-by-state WS posse, like a neighborhood watch, where we all supported eachother with surveillance and b*tchslap applications when needed? LOL.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You're on the right path - LD. Keep holding him accountable and don't worry about over-checking at this point. You need to do what you need to do to feel comfortable.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so glad to hear that your WH appears to finally be doing the work of reconciling. I know you know that you need to give this a lot of time. His A is very longstanding. That doesn't just disappear in a puff of smoke. Again, I know you know that. I suppose I'm just reinforcing here.

We'll all keep holding our collective breath for you. So far, so good & you certainly deserve a break.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Im crossing my fingers for you LD. You really do deserve to be happy.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Im crossing my fingers for you LD. You really do deserve to be happy.


Ditto


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## xemenchance (Apr 19, 2013)

In fact, there's a way to recover deleted SMS directly from iPhone 4/3GS. Also, if you've ever synced your iPhone with iTunes before, there is also another way: to recover from iTunes backup for all iPhones including iPhone 5/4S.
Read more at http://www.transfer-iphone-recovery.com/


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

xemenchance said:


> In fact, there's a way to recover deleted SMS directly from iPhone 4/3GS. Also, if you've ever synced your iPhone with iTunes before, there is also another way: to recover from iTunes backup for all iPhones including iPhone 5/4S.


That is how I was able to bust him this last time. I purchased a program to recover the deleted texts from the back up. There were only a few and they were random and there was no way of telling who they were to specifically but I got the gist of it and figured out enough to know what I needed to know


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I used a program called Wondershare Dr. Fone. My husband has a iphone 4s and all I had to do was plug the phone in and scan it. It pulled up deleted texts and imessages and displayed it just like it would if it was on his phone. You can get deleted pictures, emails, contacts, call logs but I only cared about texts. It was 69.95. You can do the free trial to make sure it can find the info and then pay for the full version if you want to see the info. I also tried tenorshare but couldn't figure it out.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

Search iphone analyzer at sourceforge.com if your looking for a free way to restore data from iphone backups that are on your computer. Even recoveres deleted photos and text message fragments. No 'trial' or any costs.

Its a freeware application called iphone analyzer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

strongsad said:


> Search iphone analyzer at sourceforge.com if your looking for a free way to restore data from iphone backups that are on your computer. Even recoveres deleted photos and text message fragments. No 'trial' or any costs.
> 
> Its a freeware application called iphone analyzer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I had known about this before my computer bit the dust a couple of weeks ago. The back up was on that computer! 

I had enough to know what was going on and things have improved so far so maybe its better that I dont have it still!


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