# Wife abused me. Regret not having an affair? Not sure if should stay or go



## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

My Wife and I moved to a new country it took us considerably longer to get our selves established then we thought it would and it was very stressful. We both had to work very long hours in low paid jobs out side our professions and for a time she worked in a job she hated working away in a remote location week on week off.

She became increasingly demanding and abusive both verbally and physically, I tried to ignore it and started doing my best to avoid arguments and hold it together as I had highly paid job prospects in the pipe line that I thought would solve our problems. I never ever hit her back and made a real effort to avoid insulting her back. 

There was a woman I was working with (long hours) who I did develop a friendship with that I didn't think any thing of at the time but looking back I was using the friendship as a sort of substitute for having a happy relationship with my wife. 

I ended up landing a good job, problems solved or so I thought. I resigned from the job were I meet the other woman. 

My wife's behavior didn't change and she actually got worse. She attacked me in public for the first time, in front of one of the offices of the company I had just been hired by and then physically and verbally abused me for 3 of the 4 hour drive home. She said things I never thought she was capable of thinking let alone saying, really unbelievably nasty and hateful and I said little in response.

Two of the least hurtful things she said was saying no one else would want me. She also accused me of having an affair with the woman from work (I have never been unfaithful she is the only woman I have been with in my life). I felt so low and the next day when she left for a week working away I decided I'd show her and sleep with the girl I had been working with. I ended up getting the other woman alone at our place and then chickened out before trying to make thing happened, told her she had to leave and that we shouldn't contact each other and why. Now some times I regret not trying something. 

At the time I felt so guilty about it to the point where I thought I deserved the abuse I had been receiving. I told my wife she was understandably up set and the abuse continued. She forgave me for having the other woman over and I eventually confronted her on the abuse and talked things through. She hasn't hit me again or said any thing nasty and has promised to get help. Trouble is I just can't look at her the same, I have tried and I just can't. We have similar life goals our family's like each other and we are compatible but I just can't get past how she treated me. I don't want to risk ever been made to feel that low again. I don't care how bad things get there isn't an excuse for abusing some one you claim to love. I wanted to be able to think about her like I used to but now I know I can't I'm not sure what to do.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Forgot to mention, we are both still in our twenties (just) and don't have kids. Before I confronted her on the abuse she started wanting to set a date for when we were going to start trying for kids. That's what pushed me to confront her about the abuse. I asked her set aside conceiving a child until we had worked things out, I had to repeat this for almost 2 weeks but she has now stopped talking about it and started to seek help for being abusive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did have an affair. It's called an emotional affair. They can do more damage to a marriage than a physical affair that is only for sex. I also doubt that anyone here is going to believe that you did not have sex with the woman. Even if you did not, what you did do is very damaging to your marriage.

Your wife's behavior is not very good either. 

Your marriage cannot be fixed just by her going to counseling for her being abusive. You need to go too. It takes two people to make a marriage this bad.

Few marriages survive when the couples have such different work schedules. Being away from each other 50% of the time is enough on its' own to ruin a marriage.

The easy way to handle this is to get a divorce. If you are going to try to make this marriage work both of you need to get counseling for your individual issues. Then you will need marriage counseling for your marriage issues.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Your right emotional affair is what it was. For the record I never made a move on the other woman but I orchestrated getting her alone with the full intention of doing so (so there was no kissing, heavy petting and defiantly no sex). Like I said I felt awful about it, I have never felt so terrible about my self before. 

I went to counseling after having the emotional affair (on my own). I went because my wife wanted me to and at the time I wanted to do all I could to fix things. Went into the sessions wanting to get my marriage back on track, left wanting to get divorced. Which is why I don't want to go back. My wife and I actually separated for a month, she left after confronting me about why I appeared so unhappy and me being honest and telling her.

It was actually worse then 50% of the time apart as 4 of the 7 days she was off work I was away from home for 15 hours a day so barely had time to eat and sleep. The 3 days we would have off together she would be stressed about going away again, she would be miserable and would lash out a lot. She quit her job after learning about other woman (which I agreed with) and we both now work more normal schedules and hours. 

I feel I've worked through the emotional affair. I let my self get close to an available member of the opposite sex at a time when my marriage and life in general was really hard. I was made to feel low and took the opportunity for an ego boast. It's not some thing I want to repeat as doing so delayed starting to try and confront the issues my wife and I needed to address and added additional things to work through. 

I was reluctant to talk completely openly to the councilor about not being able to get passed how my wife treated me as in the jurisdiction we live in some of the things she did and said could have waived my rights to confidentiality (at discretion of councilor). Now that things have calmed down this is probably a much lower risk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't know where you live so I don't know the laws. But usually if only one person says that the other did something, the law cannot prosecute. there has to be evidence or injury to back it up at the very least.


Are you two in marriage counseling now? it would seem that you both need to do things to earn back the other's trust.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

She's started counseling. I don't see any potential benefit in me going. I tried it and found it just added to my confusion. Talking with older men I know who have gone through similar things had been far more helpful.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Why does she go off on you like that? Are you guys already arguing about something? I just don't see someone flipping out like that in public unless it was instigated by something. 

She accused you of having an affair with the woman from work, is it possible she was well aware of your actions? 

It is obvious she needs to learn how to deal with herself in a major way.

However, rarely (though possible) it's only ONE person in the relationship making it terrible. Typically, there are two people in a relationship that equally destroy it or build it up. So there IS a benefit in your going to marriage counseling too. Remember, you almost cheated and apparently have a few things to discuss with your wife.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

She hated her job but until I landed my current job we needed the money so she didn't have a choice, I don't think having to suck it up and do something she didn't like was something she'd ever done before. I put a lot of pressure on her to stick at it because at the time I didn't see an alternative. 

On day of public flip out I needed to go into the office to sign some paper work, we had originally planned for her to come in with me but she was in a terrible mood I was worried she would flip out so I told her to wait in the car because this job was too important to risk losing because she couldn't control her self. Unfortunately I ended up being vindicated.

At the time of her public flip out I wasn't considering trying any thing with the other woman. My Wife's accusations occupied 5 minutes of the 3 hour she spent screaming at me in the car so there was a lot more to it then that. She accused me for two reasons, the previous week she meet the other woman and has since told me at the time she felt like a 3rd wheel and that she noticed the other woman was clearly attracted to me (some thing I didn't relies at the time) and she borrowed my cell and noticed the volume of txts between me and the other woman was high, though the txts were just friendly but there were a lot of them (way too many for just work colleagues). 

I'm not saying it diminishes my wrong doing but I wasn't interested in more then a friendship with the other woman until after that argument. Though in hind sight given the difficulties I was going through at the time that friendship was always asking for trouble. It seemed innocent enough until I decided I wanted to use her for more than friendship.

Would love to have some feed back from some one who has reconciled with an abusive spouse as I have talked with people who have been in similar situations but all of them ultimately got divorced. I really do want to forgive and forget but I'm worried the next time life get's stressful she will lash out again, I'm particularly worried because the next time I can see this happening is when we have children.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My ex-wife was verbally and physically abusive.
At first it's funny but after 15 years it grew thin.
When she left I was pretty glad she did.

Abuse like this rises from anger.
Until she can get that under control...she will NOT change.

If I were you, I would seperate from her and insist she gets help. Then use that time to work on your emotional boundaries.

I get it, she hurt you really badly and you wanted to be assured you were still lovable. But if you can do it once...you can do it again.
Good luck.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Thanks Jack. Could you explain what you meant by "Then use that time to work on your emotional boundaries."


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## WantToSaveMyMarriage (Feb 5, 2013)

I know what it's like to live in an abusive marriage. My wife broke two fingers, cracked brooms across my forearms, told me she hoped I'd die, and threatened to divorce me and take "everything" like 500 times. 

I put up with it for 23 years. Finally, she "kicked" me out (which is a myth) and for the first time in God knows how long I don't dread going home. 

In my case my wife essentially handed me the OW ... and pushed us together. Why? No idea. But here I am.

Good luck. NO ONE should stay in an abusive relationship, man or woman. We ALL deserve to try and be happy.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Thanks Jack. Could you explain what you meant by "Then use that time to work on your emotional boundaries."


Emotional boundaries are when you can clearly see what is good for you and what is not. Sometimes emotions will blur these boundaries, confusing the instinct to protect and nurture yourself. Thats when people allow abuse to happen. When you value the affection of another over your own survival is when it is at its most extreme.
You need to challenge what you belive in terms of your emotions and make some corrections. Its NOT alright for your wife to be abusive and it NOT alright for you to allow it.

Take some time and firm up your boundaries. Decide what you will and will not put up with and STICK TO IT. If she cant play by your conditions then she has to go.
Period.

You have a duty to yourself to make sure people dont treat you badly. 
If they do, they need to be "not a part of your life".

The other piece of your boundary issue is the fact that you sought comfort with another woman. You need to firm up why you felt that was okay and discover the reasoning behind it. That will help you keep your self esteem in the future by not violating sworn vows and agreements.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When my first wife and I were heading for divorce, she tried pushing my buttons and when it didn't work, she started hitting. 

The first time I walked away, the second time was when I was sleeping on the couch and she came in during the middle of the night and flat out attacked me and she bit me in the stomach and drew blood and after I got her mouth off my stomach, she bit my arm and drew blood. 

I finally have her a leg sweep and she went to the floor. I knelt on her shoulders and let her fight and squirm until she calmed down. Then I spoke to her.

I told her that I was going to let her up and when I do for her to go back to bed, don't say a word, don't look at me, just go back to the bedroom and she agreed.

Then I brought my face about a inch from hers and told her that if she ever did that again, I would be in jail, she would be unrecognizable and I'll be the lucky one compared to her and for her to never forget it because I was as serious as a heart attack. 

I got dressed and went to the hospital and had to get stitches in my stomach and arm. To this day I remember seeing her looking at me with blood all over her mouth from her biting me. 

I could have beat her to a pulp if I wanted to, but I didn't but I let her know that this was her first, last and only warning. No one has the right to hit. Not a man hitting a woman. Not a woman hitting a man and relying on that piss poor excuse "I'm a woman so I can hit a man and not expect any retaliation".

She was gone soon after and she took me for a ride and made my life a holy hell but it was a small sacrifice to make just as long as she was gone.

All in all, if there's abuse, either verbal or physical either put a stop to it real quick or pull up stakes and get out of the relationship.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"Take some time and firm up your boundaries. Decide what you will and will not put up with and STICK TO IT. If she cant play by your conditions then she has to go.
Period." Thanks Jack, that's kinda what I did while she was away. I decided that no matter the circumstances I shouldn't have to put up with being treated that way. Before I agreed to give it another try I told exactly what I wouldn't put out up happening again, I tried to make sure she understood there won't be a 3rd chance. She agreed and hasn't put wrong since she's been back, she's her wonderful old self but then there hasn't been anything to stress about since she came back so a bit early to judge.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"My wife broke two fingers, cracked brooms across my forearms, told me she hoped I'd die, and threatened to divorce me and take "everything" like 500 times." That is rough. How did you prop your self back up after going through all that.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"No one has the right to hit. Not a man hitting a woman. Not a woman hitting a man and relying on that piss poor excuse" 

I feel the same way but it took me a little while to come to that conclusion. I know that woman are physically less capable of hurting a man then the other way around but now the double standard kinda pisses me off. I think I believed the double standard my self which is part of why I let it escalate.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"The other piece of your boundary issue is the fact that you sought comfort with another woman. You need to firm up why you felt that was okay and discover the reasoning behind it. That will help you keep your self esteem in the future by not violating sworn vows and agreements."

Total agree I think I've figured most of that out. At the time I was thinking "I've been a good guy my whole life and this is what I get for it? F#@! it I'm going to take the low road and I shouldn't feel guilty about it". Turned out I wasn't a good guy by choice but by nature and the low road just wasn't for me. End result was feeling worse and embarrassed by the whole thing. I think the reason I was some times regretting not making a move on the other woman was not that I wish I could have slept with her but that if I had my marriage would have been over and I wouldn't have to agonize about making a decision. The longer my wife's back though the more excited I am about still having a future together so happy I didn't completely cross the line.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Update. Things are now going good. No longer considering separation or divorce. We are slowly putting a brief period of craziness in an other wise long happy relationship behind us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Update. Things are now going good. No longer considering separation or divorce. We are slowly putting a brief period of craziness in an other wise long happy relationship behind us.


This is good to hear!! Hope this continues.

Is you wife still working at that out of town location?


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

I am worried about you.

No one should ever, ever stay with someone who has physically abused them, at least until AFTER the other person has taken anger management classes and learned new strategies for dealing with their emotions. A month is not long enough for this to have taken place. I am concerned that you are sweeping the abuse under the rug in your rush to "fix" everything.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is good to hear!! Hope this continues.
> 
> Is you wife still working at that out of town location?


No she quit that job the day I admitted to my mistake. We now both work 40 hour/week jobs in the same town that almost completely line up. Has given us a chance to live together in a normal routine, we have always worked well together under these circumstances.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Faeleaf said:


> I am worried about you.
> 
> No one should ever, ever stay with someone who has physically abused them, at least until AFTER the other person has taken anger management classes and learned new strategies for dealing with their emotions. A month is not long enough for this to have taken place. I am concerned that you are sweeping the abuse under the rug in your rush to "fix" everything.


If I was on the outside looking in I'd probably agree with you. I've been with her since we were teenagers and over that time (over 10 years) she hadn't previously abused me. 

I laid down a set of conditions she had to agree to before coming back, she's honored them all. The behavior hasn't repeated. She is very remorseful over how she acted and seem determined not to let it happen again. 

The time period over which she was abusive was extremely stressful, I don't believe there is a possibility of the behavior reoccurring unless that stress level is repeated. I do worry that it could happen again if having children (not any time soon) or another change in life circumstances proves to be equally or more stressful.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

6301 said:


> When my first wife and I were heading for divorce, she tried pushing my buttons and when it didn't work, she started hitting.
> 
> The first time I walked away, the second time was when I was sleeping on the couch and she came in during the middle of the night and flat out attacked me and she bit me in the stomach and drew blood and after I got her mouth off my stomach, she bit my arm and drew blood.
> 
> ...



Well done! My ex hb came at me with c0cked fists and I got right in his face and told him to take his best shot, but he'd better do a good job because if I got back up I was going to kill him. He backed down and I left him soon after that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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