# Altogether confused



## justsolost (Mar 11, 2012)

Okay so three weeks ago my wife told me she wasn't happy and wanted out. She said she didn't love me and that she wasn't sure she ever did. She said she didn't know if she is capable of real love, and certainly doesn't love herself.

She said all that on a Saturday. We talked, we cried, I begged, I pleaded, everything. No dice. She stayed the weekend but on that Monday said I needed to get a hotel room. I did. When I came home the next day she said she'd be staying at her best girl friend's house. For that first week she kept coming home in the mornings to shower and get ready for work, as she would wake up the friend's baby if she did that. So I would want to talk, and it would piss her off.

We had one marriage counseling session together so far, and each has had an individual session. We have a together session again on Tuesday. In the session we had together, she said she wasn't interested in trying to work things out.

We've had several discussions. Her reasons for doing this change each time. And she goes back and forth between wanting to work things out or not. A week ago last Friday, her best girl friend (who is my friend as well) told her it wasn't fair of her to string me along and that she needed to tell me what the deal was. I feel like this made her feel backed into a corner and late that night she told me she wanted a separation that ends in divorce.

That Saturday I had already planned to be out of town to hang out with my friends and try to get my own head straight. So I went. When I came back on Sunday, she came to the house and said she didn't want to make that decision on Friday night and that she felt pushed. I told her I wasn't looking for black/white we're staying together or getting a divorce. I would have accepted "let's work on some things and see how it goes". She appreciated that and said she did want to work things out and that we'd continue to go to counseling.

The next day, she claimed I'd misunderstood what she was saying and that she wanted to get an apartment. I told her fine. I tried to talk her out of it, saying how can we work on things being apart?

She says she has to work on herself and that she doesn't have any energy to give to our relationship when she feels screwed up. She kept saying she doesn't want to hurt me.

Well it didn't take her long, she was moved out the next day to an apartment. She says she's going to keep coming to counseling but that she doesn't want to talk right now outside of that.

Anyway, I know that this is not all my fault. It takes 2. She says that she's been trying to save our marriage herself for years and that she's run out of options. I told her that she has an option, to let me know what was bothering her so I could help.

She has a lot of complaints. That I've been lazy, things needed to be fixed around the house, that I wasn't this and wasn't that. She never discussed any of this, she bottles everything up.

Also, about 1 year ago, we lost our baby. She was about 3 months into it when the miscarriage happened. She told me that I got over that way too fast. I wasn't over it. I still am not over it, but she would never talk about it.

So last Sunday I asked her point blank - "Do you want a divorce?" and she said "No."

All these mixed signals and wishy-washyness is driving me crazy. All I can do at this point is to hope and pray that it isn't too late for us, and hopefully I can get some indication of that on Tuesday in counseling.

I've been keeping busy. I've fixed a lot of things around the house, I got the yard looking real good, I've finished up a lot of projects that weren't done.

I don't really know what all she's been up to, except spending money like it's going out of style.

She told me there is no other man. I believe her. Prior to all this, I was with her all the time. There were no indicators of infidelity. She didn't hide her phone, she'd ask me to get into her email and look for this or that, and with all her volunteer work after teaching all day, she really didn't have time. Our mutual friends have assured me she wasn't/isn't cheating.

I have gone through every emotion the last 3 weeks. Sadness, depression, anger, hope, hopelessness, I've felt like I'd be alright, I've felt like my life is ending. Right now I'm kind of numb/anxious.

If anyone has any insight into how/what I should be doing, I'm all ears.


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## imgonnabejustfine (Mar 8, 2012)

I am in the same boat as you right now, except that it is my husband who asked for the separation. My advice is to give your wife her space. She is confused and scared and has a million other emotions. The more you push on her, the more you will push her away. Your greatest asset right now is PATIENCE. I'm not saying it's easy, it's definitely not, but you need to come across as calm and in control of yourself. I think your doing great so far. The fact that your working on projects around the house shows that you have a "moving forward" mindset, and that is what you need to have. If your hoping to work things out, stay open to her, but most importantly, take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. Go out with friends, watch shows that make you laugh. Think positively. Remind yourself that there are a lot of people going through worse. A big part of handling your separation well, will depend on your mindset and attitude. I wish you well!


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## justsolost (Mar 11, 2012)

Thanks. It's hard, as patience is not one of my virtues. I am just hoping and praying that it is not too late for us. She has been everything to me and I have loved her every day for the last 14 years. 

I am giving her her space and time and abiding by what she wants. I am viewing her willingness to continue with MC as a positive sign. Also, I spoke to her about some household related items on Thursday night and was calm, cool, and to the point. I did not even speak about relationship items at all and she cried at the end of the conversation. I think that means that she does still care, just that she's confused.

Tuesday afternoon's MC session can't come soon enough though.


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## Sherrynafehmft (Dec 9, 2011)

Hi Justsolost,

writing, your user name, makes me wonder if you are really lost. From what I 've read, you are very clear, about how you feel and what you want. It seems that your wife, is struggling to figure things out with in herself. You mentioned, a miscarriage about one year ago, and that could most definitely what set her off, as to being so inconsistent about her needs and wants. imgonnabejustfine is right, give her some time, but let her know that you love her and want to work things out. Moreover, I think counseling is great, but I believe rather than sharing the therapist for both your couples and individual counseling/s can complicate things. Find out if your therapist can refer you to someone, whom you can talk to individually. Hope this helps!!

Best of luck,


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## justsolost (Mar 11, 2012)

Yeah, we both have different individual therapists, but the MC just wanted to meet with each of us individually for one session each to go over our family histories, childhood, etc.

I have tried to be very clear about what I want and need.


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## Sherrynafehmft (Dec 9, 2011)

Okay, that's great!!! Keep up the great work!!!


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow, this sounds almost exactly like me and my husband!!! After 8 years of unhappiness and 16 years of marriage I left and got an apartment, it was not sudden to him though. We go to joint counseling and IC once a week. I am trying to find my way back to him, but it is not easy. There are things about him that have made me resentful, but some of it is me too. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I never lived alone, got married right out of college, became a mother of 2 very difficult boys, work full time at a very physically and demanding job, and for most of the 11 years of kids i have taken care of most kid things and most house things....they just wasnt anything left to give. I feel horrible for myself, him, and the kids, and for you and her. It is so hard, even though I left it is hard. I am more at ease, but confused......i wish is could give you an answer, but i cant, i can just say i understand and i hope she finds her way back to you!


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