# My 1st Post: Having trouble turning my wife on



## jm0327 (Oct 13, 2015)

Hi TAM community:

I have a problem that seems all too common on this thread: I'm having a hard time connecting with my wife sexually. I apologize for the length of this post. Hopefully some of you are willing to read it and offer some support.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND: My wife and I are coming up on our 1-year anniversary. I was brought up Catholic, but I never really took the teachings on pre-marital sex seriously until just before I met my wife. I told her when we began dating that I would like to save sex until marriage and, though she is not religious, she was very supportive of this and seemed to have no qualms about it. For me, this proved to be a huge challenge, and I gave in to my urges many times, and (most of the time) she would be the one keeping me in check and hitting the brakes. This went on for three years. 
As our wedding night approached, as you can imagine, all I could think about was finally enjoying "guilt-free" sex with my wife, and I thought she'd feel the same way! We leave our reception, get into our hotel room, and it just seems to be the furthest thing from her mind. She talked about how much fun she had, and how tired she is and how she can't wait to fall asleep. It eventually came to me lying next to her in bed saying "Hey, it's our wedding night. Are we going to do this or what?" She agreed, but it was disappointing to say the least. It felt like she just did it out of obligation. Our honeymoon was the same story. I initiated every time. We only did it maybe 3 times on our 10 days away. I was expecting we'd do it daily! But she just didn't seem have it on her mind. We'd go out, spend all day sightseeing and shopping, come home tired, and she just wanted to pass out.

This has been an ongoing struggle for me. On average, we have sex about 3 or 4 times a month. For birth control, we use the Creighton Model natural family planning method where we chart her cycle and mark the days we have intercourse. Sure, there are windows of time when she is fertile, so we avoid doing it then, but even on the long stretch of infertile days after her peak, I'm lucky if I get to mark three days of intercourse over a period of about 2 weeks.

I'm extremely fortunately to say I have no doubt my wife is crazy about me as a person. She's always telling me I'm handsome and sexy. She says "I love you" multiple times a day. She loves to cuddle and hug, with the occasional love tap on the behind, but other than that, everything stays pretty "PG." Kisses are closed mouth, and any sexual innuendo on my part is received almost like a joke, which just kills any mood I may be trying to achieve.

When I do make advances, she doesn't push me away, but she reacts with NOTHING. It's like a slap in the face to me. No smile, no moan, no reaction. She loves soft touches and massages, but they seem to do nothing for her sexually. If my hand ventures "down there," her legs stay closed most of the time.

I've tried talking to her about these issues, but I'm often met with shock, as if this comes as a huge surprise that I'd have any issue. The first time I brought it up (about 3 months into our marriage), she told me that she often doesn't feel attractive. I do all I can to make her feel sexy and beautiful. I make no secret about how much I love her body. She also told me she would like more foreplay. I hadn't been giving her much because she seems disinterested. ((And apparently when she says foreplay, she means me getting her going while she lays back and tries to focus. With one or two small exceptions, I'm never on the receiving end of the foreplay.))

After the third talk, she doesn't understand what more I want from her. I've told her I'd like her to initiate more. She said she'd try, but not much luck. 

On the plus side, we've had some intense sessions (once things got going), and more often than not, she "gets there." But it's mainly the getting her going that I'm having a problem with. I don't feel that passion, that mutual desire. I think she enjoys the actual feeling of sex, but I don't feel it's anything about ME that's getting her revved up. The fact that I don't feel like I arouse my wife easily kindof makes the situation worse. I feel like she'll sense my insecurity, which will just turn her off even more. Another post recently made a reference to women on TV and in movies, who ALWAYS seem to be ready for sex and usually initiate it. While I know it's a fantasy, I can't help but think every time I see them "Man, I wish my wife had that kind of desire for me."

As I said I've tried talking with her about three times now, and I feel like if I keep bringing it up, it's just going to annoy her and turn her off even more. I don't want to seem "needy." I've tried just not initiating anything to see if she would, and we'll go weeks without any activity.

I'm just wondering what I can do. I'm taking this personally and I don't want to be the guy that just stops trying. We've only been married a year and already our sex life is lacking for me. I fear it'll only get worse if we don't change something.


Thanks for reading. I'd welcome any constructive feedback. Do you think we need counseling? Any other resources you can recommend? Guys, what are some ways you get your wife going? I seem to have this mentality that since I don't look like Johnny Depp, my body alone isn't enough to get her excited, but I'm no smooth talker either.
Women, what do your husbands do to put you in the mood? Can you identify with my wife's behavior and offer some insight as to what might be going on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two books that I think would help you and your wife.

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel


The other is "His Needs, Her Needs". See the link below in my signature line.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much sexual experience did your wife have before she was with you?

How long did the two of you date before marriage?

One thing that often happens when a couple waits until marriage to have sex is that while they date, they work hard to not have sex so they very effectively train themselves to not see the other as a sexual partner.

Not having sex until after marriage worked great when marriages were arranged, there was little to no courtship, and there was always a family member of the girl's around to make sure that she remained a virgin. That's not what dating is like now.

Now your wife has to unlearn this lesson. She needs to find her erotic intelligence. The book by Ester Perel addresses this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Welcome.

So I admit I skimmed generously. Catholic, no sex prior to marriage though neither of you are virgins. 3 years dated, no sex till wedding night and it was....disappointing to say the least. Honeymoon also disappointing with both frequency and quality.

Now, a year later, you two have sex about 3 times per month. Birth control is some version of natural family planning that follows the Catholic teaching of sex being for procreation only. 

Once you get her turned on she generally reaches orgasm but getting her to agree to sex is difficult.

Anything else important I missed?

Have to ask, do you REALLY think that the greatest gift the creator gave us came tied up with so many strings we can only enjoy it if we agree to put our lives on the line by popping out baby after baby? Does this honestly make sense to you?

Okay now to the issue at hand. Your wife, like a lot of women, is not interested in sex unless she is already turned on, already aroused. This is called *responsive desire.* here are some links for you to read more.

The Arousal Principle: The Complexity And Simplicity Of Female Erotic Desire*|*Pamela Madsen

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201010/do-you-understand-female-sexual-desire

So what this means for you is that you need to find a way to get her aroused prior to initiating sex. What this means for HER is that she need some on understand that her sex drive doesn't match your because her sex drive is based on response, while yours is based on spontaneously thinking about and therefore wanting sex. 

So who is right? I hope no one asked that questions because that is not what marriage is about. In order for your marriage to be a great one, sex needs to be a seriously considered part of a great marriage. Your wife needs to understand that she may not exactly want sex. But there are variations on that messag.
1. Touch me and DIE!
2. I'm not feeling well and sex is the last thing I want right now.
3. I'm stressed and I'm not thinking about sex.
4. I don't feel good about myself and so I just want to put on my hideous pajamas and crawl under the covers.
5. Sex takes too much effort and I'm too tired for that.

So numbers 1 and 2 mean absolutely no sex but the rest of the numbers should NOT mean no sex. skmetimes a woman with responsive desire has to simply TRUST that even if she doesn't want sex right now, given time and an open mind, she probably will end up aroused...if her husband does his job well! Your wife essentially needs to reframe her thoughts about sex and desire. Instead of asking herself if she wants sex, she should be asking herself "Am I open to being aroused enough to want sex." Because women have been taught, as have men, that it's okay to say no, and it is. But we have never been taught that our desire for sex arrives after we are aroused. We never knew that. 

If men experienced their sex drive the way women did, you guys wouldn't be seeking sex unless you already had an erection.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Back when people waited for marriage before having sex, they didn't have 3 year courtships. That was a huge red flag. They also married very young. How old are you two? That she didn't struggle during your engagement is telling. She's either not into sex or not into it with you. Sorry. Don't have kids. That's my best advice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh and women are horniest when ovulating. Your bc method only allows her to have sex when it's least fun. Typical.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh and women are horniest when ovulating. Your bc method only allows her to have sex when it's least fun. Typical.


natural family planning is a widely used method of birth control. We used it for a long time successfully.

but we are not catholic and used condoms during the ovulation window. because this ^.

now if you are truly convinced that contraception is wrong, and is against your beliefs, then by all means. do what you have to do.
But it may be one of the things barring your way to a satisfying sex life


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I see several things going on there.

First, you guys didn't test drive each other before marriage. You both were able to resist premarital sex, but for different reasons. You appear to be a very sexual person who was just on 'pause' before your wedding night. She appears to not be a very sexual person overall. This might be a fundamental incompatibility that you cannot fix.

Second, get some proper birth control. If having a baby wouldn't fit in with your life plans right now, she's probably associating sex with an unpleasant consequence, and doing her best to avoid it altogether. You're thinking "my wife is so hot I want her right now!" and she's thinking "Crap, here he is again, what if I get pregnant this time, our lives will be ruined." Also, women are easiest to arouse when they are at the most fertile part of their cycle, and you guys have to avoid that with your current method.

Third, as you noted, what you see on movies and TV about women initiating is mostly fantasy. Some women are like that, but they are in the minority in real life as most women have responsive desire. Men fantasize about women who have spontaneous desire just like men do. Women fantasize about suddenly developing spontaneous desire because the guy is so hot. They might WANT desperately to have spontaneous desire, but their bodies just don't cooperate.

Fourth, that part about her not feeling attractive. That's a low self-esteem issue with your wife, and you will NOT be able to fix it by just telling her you think she's sexy. She won't internalize your words because she's thinking you have to say that sort of thing because you're married to her, not because there's any truth to it. Or worse still, she'll think you're lying just to get into her pants. Don't stop initiating though, to see if she'll initiate, because that just feeds the low self-esteem. She'll think "he hasn't groped me in weeks, therefore it's true that I'm not attractive" and if she doesn't feel sexy, she'll never initiate.

In my experience, men are happy with sex under many circumstances, while women only want sex under perfect circumstances.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

jm0327 said:


> Hi TAM community:
> 
> 
> This has been an ongoing struggle for me. On average, we have sex about 3 or 4 times a month. For birth control, we use the Creighton Model natural family planning method where we chart her cycle and mark the days we have intercourse. Sure, there are windows of time when she is fertile, so we avoid doing it then, but even on the long stretch of infertile days after her peak, I'm lucky if I get to mark three days of intercourse over a period of about 2 weeks.
> ...


What you have to do is a) figure out how to meet her needs that she cares about. You do this the same way you want her to meet your needs sexually. You do it with enthusiasm and you do it because you are married to her an you want her to be happy.

The rest of your conversations should not be focused on sex, but more like what kind of wife does she want to be, and whether providing maritial fulfillment is important to her or not. The way she will learn how to provide it is not by having it all explained in detail, but by trying things and seeing what the results are. And yes, she does know what you are looking for. Everything she is saying are ways to continue to avoid providing it.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jm0327, 
You need to take the reins here. 
You must change this dynamic. I will give you my opinion, and it's only MY opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

I would sit down ONE more time and tell her what you want your sex life to be like.
Regardless of her reaction I would proceed with a plan. I started my journey out by coming home one day and saying exactly this: "honey, the kids are taken care of, get packed and bring some lingerie and high heels. We are going to a hotel room to have some wild sex."

She looked at me like I was CRAZY and said, "No, I am tired...etc. etc." I said "sorry honey, we are going to the hotel." She was a trooper and it turned out ok, but not great. However, I set the tone and have not stopped since. It's been almost 4 years since that day. You must show her the way WITHOUT apprehension and fear. It's on your shoulders.

Some will say your problem may be insurmountable and you will eventually get a divorce. I try not to think that way. I think you have both learned sex in a negative light. It is your job to make sex fun and interesting for her without hangups, without fear or apprehension. Stay here and learn. Ask questions and keep trying.

It worked/works for me.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

jm0327 said:


> Hi TAM community:
> 
> I have a problem
> I was brought up Catholic
> ...


I'm always bemused by the religious/true-love-waits/good-girls-don't... types who become so sedulously adept at shutting themselves and each other down during years of sexually mature singlehood and lengthy engagements, fostering a boatload of negative associations and aversions throughout their formative decades--and then expect things to magically turn on their heads once the wedding ring's on. Good luck with that.

"Responsive desire" often sounds like a cop-out rationale to me, but it would be a best-case scenario here. For all we know, his wife isn't remotely into him sexually, and never was. She could just as easily be an LD/asexual who sought comfort (consciously or otherwise) in 3 years of Biblically guaranteed sexless companionship, and now aims to keep things that way. It doesn't matter what she _says_ about him being handsome & sexy etc--hips don't lie, but the mouth sure can talk a good game. 

Counseling? I'd recommend outright deprogramming, or at least a serious examination of how you let the original overzealous 12-stepper (Paul of Damascus) and his numerous modern adherents control and ruin your natural sexual expression by defining it as deviant until they proclaim otherwise, all under color of some unimpeachable divine authority. Bodily defilement! Fornication! Self-abuse! Guilt, guilt, guilt! Better to marry than to burn, kids, if you can't bring yourself to be a celibate monastic like me--now, _there's_ a heartfelt endorsement of marriage! Definitely a guy I want to take sex advice from. 

Yes, this institutionalized prudery makes me mad. Maybe if you think about it objectively and get mad yourself, you'll get somewhere. You _should_ take this personally. There's an ingrained social convention of tiptoeing around the religious superstitions of others, but yours are actively screwing up your life. If nothing else, they've made you a mark by blinding you to your fiancee (& now wife)'s true nature and intent: her lack of qualms should've given you a few of your own! At least go find some theologian with a more liberal and sex-positive interpretation of all this dogma, so you can test-drive the next one without drowning in a sea of manufactured guilt. 

On that note, I'd also suggest using more effective (read: actual) birth control while you figure out if your wife has any true sexual affinity for you--if not, you can part ways far more easily if you haven't also had kids into the bargain. As others have noted, that "fertile period" you're avoiding, incidentally and unsurprisingly, is precisely the time when whatever drive she does have is most likely to overcome the aversions you're both laboring under...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Phil Anders said:


> I'm always bemused by the religious/true-love-waits/good-girls-don't... types who become so sedulously adept at shutting themselves and each other down during years of sexually mature singlehood and lengthy engagements, fostering a boatload of negative associations and aversions throughout their formative decades--and then expect things to magically turn on their heads once the wedding ring's on. Good luck with that.
> 
> "Responsive desire" often sounds like a cop-out rationale to me, but it would be a best-case scenario here. For all we know, his wife isn't remotely into him sexually, and never was. She could just as easily be an LD/asexual who sought comfort (consciously or otherwise) in 3 years of Biblically guaranteed sexless companionship, and now aims to keep things that way. It doesn't matter what she _says_ about him being handsome & sexy etc--hips don't lie, but the mouth sure can talk a good game.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying and it is VERY well written.
On the flip side, for those who actually abstain from sexual intercourse before marriage, unless you are slobbering all over each other while kissing, or need handcuffs to stop touching each other, you WILL NOT be sexually compatible.
There must be a spark or there will be no fire.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The wife and I are Catholic too, and the priest that did our pre-cana was actually supportive of us using birth control when we asked about it. I believe his words were, "children deserve to be brought into this world to parents that are prepared to love them." So as long as you and your wife do plan on having children, odds are your priest would help better guide you on other methods and the implications to your faith. I would advise you to have this conversation with your wife and priest. 

As for how to learn to really arouse your wife, turn her into somewhat of a nymphomaniac, and increase her desire to where she initiates sex with you repeatedly everyday, here are some things that I have found the most helpful. Brushing my teeth regularly, and never ever farting again. 

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> IMO - Even if you were Johnny Depp, if she has never explored her own sexuality *outside* your relationship, she will never truly be satisfied within it if it is modeled upon your idea of what good sex is. Does that make any sense?


*In case you can't read between the lines here, peacem is NOT suggesting you allow her to go OUTSIDE the relationship with someone else* but more she is suggesting you give your wife some personal space and encourage her to self explore. Perhaps you buy her a good book to better understand and explore her sexuality such as the 2015 "Come as you are" publication which is based on pharmaceutical research as to why the female viagra can NOT really be invented. This book teaches women that their sexuality is normal and healthy and that it is our 21st century "environment" NOT NORMAL in terms of sexual context and how we deal with stress. AND if you do this be a nice husband and also buy her the latest and greatest female W100 vibrator that uses complex variations of oscillating suction on the clit so she can experience orgasm without overstimulating or numbing herself the way traditional vibrators are known to do.










Then give her some space and encourage her to enjoy herself, and hopefully she will share her discoveries with you when she is ready. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

It might be too late for you but your story is good reading for anyone who decides to wait until after marriage for sex due to some writings in an ancient book.

It makes no sense and easily leads to problems like you have.

You can't know if you're sexually compatible if you don't have sex.

Now that you know, it's a bit messier but divorce is an option. Or is it? From what I understand Divorce is frowned on in the same book that supposedly frowns upon premarital sex.

You need to consider living your life by your own rules not someone else's.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

OP, sorry to say but odds are things will only get worse. Get to a good marriage/ sex therapist / counselor ASAP 
You sound like you married my X wifes twin sister. So trust me when I say. been there done that...... 

You need to let her know NOW what you expect. She needs to be educated as to what men NEED in a marriage ( you both must be young ) Do your best to fix this NOW before you have kids. 

Good luck


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Must agree with previous poster. Things are more likely to get worse. 
We really need to know more background. You dont seem to have come back.
We dont know your age and if you were both virgins before marriage. It seems you weren't.
Maybe you dont measure up to others. 
Most likely there are other things wrong in your marriage. Even if they are trivial they can get this 'response'.
It is very unlikely that she doesnt 'know' your 'wants' but for some reason is uninclined to fill them.
Your wedding night story makes very 'miserable' reading and seems to be the key to the whole matter. Was she really that tired? I am sorry I dont think 'books' can help you. 
Why do you think she married you? Did you 'upset' her in any way on your wedding day. This has had a lasting effect.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You dated/courted for 3 years with no sex but she wasn't a virgin? Sounds like she's not attracted to you. Don't know how many times I've read about "born again" virgins making their beta boyfriends wait and then dolloping out sex a couple of times a month. While they were total freaks in their past. I hope that's not the case here. 

The only advice I can give is to try up your attraction. Women mostly have responsive desire. So she responds to your "hotness" or lack thereof. 
Make sure you're in decent shape, fashion, hairstyle, hygiene, ETC are on point. Also learn how to flirt and be playful throughout the day. You have warm the pot throughout the day. Can't be in friendly mode most of the day and then expect her to flip the sex switch on at the drop of the hat. Most women don't work that way.


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