# Why do some women pick the wrong guy?



## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Why do some women who are good women, loyal etc tend to pick the wrong guys? Is it a flaw in us? What do you ladies think? Twice I have picked wrong. Maybe I am meant to live this life alone with no companion. I do not know. Any advice or comments will be great.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Having a broken picker isn't gender specific I'm afraid

Usually women pick the man her self esteem tells her she's allowed to have. If she has no self worth she'll pick a man who will abuse her every time.

Or they see a man who isn't their ideal and they think they can fix him. 

Or he's really,really hot.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Everyone has to make the best choice they can from the available candidates. No one person is perfect in all respects, so it is ALWAYS a compromise.

The best provider may not be the best husband/father. The guy with the best genes may have other priorities than family. The nice guy who will love and care for you and your children may be deadly boring, or may be genetically inferior to the more exciting guy. The guy who has it all probably has better choices of his own, and doesn't find many women attractive.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FOH - The reasons you pick the wrong guys won't be the same reasons everyone picks the wrong partner. You will have to do some inner work to find out why you are doing it.

Have you read any books, been to counseling, etc?

Was there something about the wrong guys you've picked that was the same in all of them?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with SB. Picking the wrong partner isn't gender specific...

Look at the sort of guys you're choosing, what attracts you to them and what the dynamics / payoffs are in those relationships. 

Here's a very good article for you to read:-

How Can I Find a Good Man or Woman? | Psychology Today


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think of my past wrong guys as my soul mates.They were there to teach me something and kept reappearing over and over until I learned what I was supposed to learn about myself from them. That's the ultimate function of a soul mate.They stick around til you learn what you need then they stop appearing...well my favorite definition of soul mate anyway. 

Once you learn what you need to learn,those wrong ones go away and you get to progress to the right man for you


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Tried counseling, got sick and could not finish. I have not read any books. The first time I picked he was not right for me but I thought that I could make it work. The second time, I married I loved him but he did not love me back and that was a disaster. He left me for another woman and pretty much humiliated me. Still picking up the pieces from that one. Some days I feel like I can do it and move on others not so much.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I would recommend a book called Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders by Dr. Harley.

Perhaps you've been choosing renters...


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I have a sister who keeps picking men who are like my narcissistic father. She loves that they are "strong", but what they really are is selfish and cruel. I think she could use some therapy to realize that a strong man doesn't need to control, coerce, belittle, ignore, etc. to be a strong man.

We've had many conversations about it but she just seems to have a blind spot and makes excuses for their behavior. I don't believe she will ever have a healthy relationship until she figures out how to see through her blind spot.

She has no desire to read literature or participate in therapy so her roller coaster just keeps on going. She believes that she came through our childhood unscathed, I think her track record says otherwise.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It's not gender specific. Men pick the wrong woman too. Some people don't see people as they really are. When people show them who they truly are ("red flags") pre-marriage, they're either oblivous to it, dismiss it or think that they can change the person or the person will change after marriage.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I agree that there are lessons to learn from each one!! I've gone through two marriages myself, and I'm only 30. They like to put a ring on it but dont want to man-up and make the marriage work. My X's were similar but displayed different symptoms. What I thought I was getting with my 2nd husband turned out to be the same animal with a new set of issues. However, both were narcissistic man-child's in their own way. It's true I have to figure out what's attracting me to this type of man. 

I know I'm a good woman, and I'm worth so much more than I've been given by the men in my life...but apparently something deep inside me doesn't feel like I deserve more, otherwise I would've run for the hills before the marriage took place. That's something I need to reflect on, a lot. I have YET to ever pick the "right" kind of guy. My first bf was a bunch of bollox as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My sister is 11 years younger than I am...she has been married three times and engaged three times. She always picks the same macho kind of guy. One time I told her...why don't you let me pick one out for you...I cant do any worse than you have...I was kidding of course...but her reply was...no you like boring. It hurt my feelings...and it REALLY hurt my husbands feelings....but I said ...well that may be..but maybe boring is good?
> 
> So she has macho man number three and is miserable....I hate to say...see I told you so...but it is what it is. I am the lucky one....no doubt about that. While my husband may appear to be boring to her....he is everything her husband isn't....and my life is anything but boring. So she is stuck in her double wide trailer and I get to go all over the world with a man who treats me like a princess.


"Boring" is what you want for the long haul. Besides, to judge by some of your posts there is nothing boring about Mr Adams in certain areas of endeavor...


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

That is because many people mistake quiet for boring. They are all about the 'flash' outward macho, woo hooooo kind of person.

They don't realise the deep wells of passion that can reside in a quiet man or woman.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

We are honest and genuinely nice and we tend to believe people (men) when they tell us something we really want to hear. We might also be a little insecure or not in touch with our inner b*tch and so want a man who has a bit of an edge to look out for us. We are probably also more competitive than we want to let on. We might also be prone to always doing the right thing and being responsible and sick of not having any fun while watching others have a nice sloppy life with their sometimes beta guys and friends...as punishment to ourselves for doing this to ourselves we find someone who will occasionally be mean to us, instead of letting our inner voices tell us what we need to hear. 

Don't worry. You can laugh at yourself and have 'failed' relationships, if you learned something from them along the way it's not a failure. Give yourself some slack - everyone is human. Be glad you live in a society where you can get a divorce and a job and a house or apartment on your own as a woman. That's why those rights are so important and precious - they really do represent a kind of freedom. Use it and enjoy it.

Also, sometimes you have the right guy at the wrong time, life doesn't let you be together, that's the breaks. It's happened to me as often as I've picked the wrong guy, actually more. And that is way more heartbreaking than being with the wrong guy.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Our choice of partners are a reflection of a number of things inside us and around us. Stuff like childhood fantasies , proximity to a person , similar backgrounds and much more.

Most times , especially with women who always pick the
" wrong men", people meet someone they have great chemistry with , and that chemistry and attraction is confused with love.

Those women tend to project their values or the things they want in a " good man" towards the object of their desire and the
" red flags " are overlooked.

Then they put the man on a pedestal and it's downhill from there.
He treats them like sh!t.

By the time the novelty wears off and reality sets in , it's impossible to figure out what went wrong, and he's with another woman.
Wash , rinse , repeat.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> We are honest and genuinely nice and we tend to believe people (men) when they tell us something we really want to hear. We might also be a little insecure or not in touch with our inner b*tch and so want a man who has a bit of an edge to look out for us. We are probably also more competitive than we want to let on. We might also be prone to always doing the right thing and being responsible and sick of not having any fun while watching others have a nice sloppy life with their sometimes beta guys and friends...as punishment to ourselves for doing this to ourselves we find someone who will occasionally be mean to us, instead of letting our inner voices tell us what we need to hear.
> 
> Don't worry. You can laugh at yourself and have 'failed' relationships, if you learned something from them along the way it's not a failure. Give yourself some slack - everyone is human. Be glad you live in a society where you can get a divorce and a job and a house or apartment on your own as a woman. That's why those rights are so important and precious - they really do represent a kind of freedom. Use it and enjoy it.
> 
> Also, sometimes you have the right guy at the wrong time, life doesn't let you be together, that's the breaks. It's happened to me as often as I've picked the wrong guy, actually more. And that is way more heartbreaking than being with the wrong guy.


You are so right. I have badgered myself over the wrong picks. I started dating again and I am scared to death of making a mistake. I wonder okay is this the next mistake? Kinda warped thinking hunh?


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> FOH this is exactly what brought me to TAM in the first place and I am now trying out what I have learned here
> 
> I had 4 relationships. All were really great guys...did everything right...they shared the same circle of friends as me etc...shared the same values etc...wanted the same long term goals etc...then...once I was committed they ALL became abusive! What???? How confused was I! What was wrong with me? How could it be this way? Was it ME? Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life (it's simpler and maybe it is me making them this way????)???
> 
> ...


Thank you. I just got reamed over by my second husband who started out good and ended in disaster. He took everything and moved in with a younger hussie. I dont want that senario to happen again.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Having a broken picker isn't gender specific I'm afraid
> 
> Usually women pick the man her self esteem tells her she's allowed to have. If she has no self worth she'll pick a man who will abuse her every time.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

SB summed it up very well!


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I keep picking guys that aren't right for me. The first one seemed nice but turned out to be a cheater and a criminal (seriously). I guess I was charmed by him...plus I was really young. The second one was a nice guy but didn't have a steady job and was way too possessive. I think I was too busy looking for someone nice that I forgot about the rest of it. My STBXH was a nice guy and had a good job. He just wasn't right for me. We were together for over 13 years. It took me a while to realize we didn't have much in common. Luckily I have learned from each relationship. That is the key. I have also learned that I don't really mind being alone. It can be kinda scary, but you have to learn to love yourself first.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Okay giving some background. We met in the Navy when I went to my first ship. I was not even thinking about being with anyone because I had only been divorced about four years. I wanted to concentrate on getting myself back on track. He met me and kept on talking to me but I blew him off. Relationships complicate things when I felt I was not ready to meet anyone. So he continued to be persistive. And finally caved in. We dated for about 2 years and then we decided to move in together. Everything was great in the beginning. He asked me to get married twice but because he was 26 I felt selfish saying yes and I was not sure if he really did know how to commit. During this time I broke my wrist and had to have surgery. When it was time for me to return to a ship, we agreed that we would stay in the same area. I did my part by picking, when it came time for him to do the same thing, he picked orders overseas. I was furious. When he decided to do that I had made up in my mind that I was going to move out and end it. He begged me to stay asking for another chance. Which I gave him under the condition we go to counseling. We went to only two sessions because Mike felt like the therapist was badgering him and refuse to go back. Then he asked me again and I said yes. Everything was fine then he started being distant and insensitive. He complained that was not giving him enough sex. He said it was the navy that is the problem and he told me if I did not get out he was going to leave. I decided that our relationship was more important than anything so I did get out. Then I found out he was cheating. He said he it was because he did not love me like that anymore. I know it is over but why let me quit when you knew you were leaving. I always thought if you show a person that you were willing to sacrifice then he said it was not enough. I am thinking maybe I am selfish and that is why I cannot keep my husbands. What do you guys think?


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

FOH said:


> Okay giving some background. We met in the Navy when I went to my first ship. I was not even thinking about being with anyone because I had only been divorced about four years. I wanted to concentrate on getting myself back on track. He met me and kept on talking to me but I blew him off. Relationships complicate things when I felt I was not ready to meet anyone. So he continued to be persistive. And finally caved in. We dated for about 2 years and then we decided to move in together. Everything was great in the beginning. He asked me to get married twice but because he was 26 I felt selfish saying yes and I was not sure if he really did know how to commit. During this time I broke my wrist and had to have surgery. When it was time for me to return to a ship, we agreed that we would stay in the same area. I did my part by picking, when it came time for him to do the same thing, he picked orders overseas. I was furious. When he decided to do that I had made up in my mind that I was going to move out and end it. He begged me to stay asking for another chance. Which I gave him under the condition we go to counseling. We went to only two sessions because Mike felt like the therapist was badgering him and refuse to go back. Then he asked me again and I said yes. Everything was fine then he started being distant and insensitive. He complained that was not giving him enough sex. He said it was the navy that is the problem and he told me if I did not get out he was going to leave. I decided that our relationship was more important than anything so I did get out. Then I found out he was cheating. He said he it was because he did not love me like that anymore. I know it is over but why let me quit when you knew you were leaving. I always thought if you show a person that you were willing to sacrifice then he said it was not enough. I am thinking maybe I am selfish and that is why I cannot keep my husbands. What do you guys think?


You sound like a great woman. It's his loss for leaving you.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

kitty2013 said:


> [/COLOR]
> 
> You sound like a great woman. It's his loss for leaving you.


Thank you.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

A selfish person doesn't quit their career to save their relationship.. 

A selfish person asks their partner to quit their career in order to prove their love and then says, "well, I don't love you that much anyway, I've found someone new"

I struggle with this issue as well. I've also been married twice. And like you, to the same animal, but who disguised themselves differently.. 

I think, in my case, I choose men that are not my equal for 2 reasons. 1, to prove that I'm not a snob (?) and 2, b/c for some reason, I don't feel that a man my intellectual or education equal will be interested in me.. 

Secondly, I hate to fail.. So, I ignore red flags and try to "fix" everything and make it work, when it probably shouldn't even be attempted to be fixed.. And I will keep trying to "fix" it long after it should have been chucked out as garbage (as in the case of my STBXH) b/c I can't stand admitting I'm wrong.. 

Which keeps forcing me to admit I'm wrong.. 

So, like Miss Froggie said, the issues are different for all of us.. You need to figure out first to identify what your issues are, and why. And then work on those..


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> You're already on your way to finding the 'right' partner. You're not afraid to be alone so you are not choosing between the potential partners who happen to be there and you're choosing a compatible partner who is what you want without the fear of being alone until that happens. So many people are afraid to be on their own so they settle for what they can just so they have someone with them.
> 
> It's good that you're seeing the things that were not what you wanted and also know that you were focusing too much on 'nice' and allowing that to over-ride some of the other important factors...things that became more important than being just nice. Obviously nice matters, but there are a lot of nice guys out there who are just not compatible.
> 
> Have you looked at your boundaries and deal-breakers and worked out clearly what is important to you in a relationship? I hadn't, and now that I have it makes it much easier to not be persuaded to accept something I have thought through and is a deal-breaker. I was persuaded to accept something about my ex that I really didn't want at all. He promised me it was not going to be a problem and the concerns I had about it didn't apply and he persuaded me to accept it because it wasn't something he could change. How he put it, I could have accepted that, but sure enough the reasons I had considered it a deal-breaker all came up and I felt like an idiot for not sticking to my own 'rules'. Now I know it to be a deal breaker I won't budge no matter how persuasive someone is. Before I hadn't differentiated between deal breakers and boundaries. I think it helps a lot to already know which is which before you start.


I have looked at my past relationships and decided what I didn't like about them. I have decided that I won't be with a man doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. Even though my STBXH was a nice guy, he didn't treat me the way I want to be treated from the beginning of the relationship. I felt like I was doing more of the work in the relationship. That should have been a sign right there. I agree that sticking to your own rules in a relationship is very important. I think I should sit down and write down exactly what I want out of someone. I'm not looking for one right now but it is good to have that in the back of your mind. You really need to learn to listen to that voice in your head that tells you something isn't quite right about a guy. I think I am finally starting to do that.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

You are right about that. I just thought by showing that you do care for your partner through actions that it shows them that you are serious about wanting this to work. That is why I did it and quit. But the true person came out and this part I saw was like holy toledo.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

on a side note, and since picking the right person, or rather not picking it applies to both genders, a quote came to mind...

'Women want a bad boy that are nice only to them..... Men want a nice girl, that is bad only with them'


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> I hope that you don't mind me breaking it down like that and if I am wrong on anything please forgive me - what I have written is not definitive and is purely how I see it from what you have said so far...however, I do hope it helps
> 
> Have you done the five languages of love test?
> 
> ...


Thank you, you guys must have ESP or something. Our therapist gave us the 5 love languages (which he said he tried but none worked on me), and the book men are from mars women are from venus. I finished the men are from mars but never made it over to the 5 love languages. Did he really follow what the book says? I will read it now because I need to. I hate to it but you were straight up with the answers. All of you are.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

FOH,
The posts so far have been so good I can only highlight points already made.

You sound like a decent person, I think you do tend to overlook red flags because you are projecting your decency onto the man giving you his attention. That is a little idealistic.

There is a difference between,
1. Chemistry
2. Personality
and
3. Character.

Many men who would not be a good match win women with little more than persistance.

How can you recognize a good match?

What would you have to do to be alert to it?

There is no sure fire answer I know of, besides learning to hear and see what is really infront of you, and that will require you to recognize and reject any assumptions and covert contracts, and be willing to walk away.

Be clear (as said earlier) what you want out of the relationship)

You are asking the right questions, I wish you well.

Take care!


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I wish I had an answer for this question. I have watched friends go through relationship cycles.....over and over and over. And so I want to applaud your quest for answers for why you pick the wrong person!!!! Please continue to seek, learn, discover..... I have friends who are now approaching 50 and failed relationships are all that they have had. And now they are lonely and desparing. 

There are good people out there, you just need to learn how to avoid choosing the wrong ones. Stay with learning. If you can afford it spend some time with a counselor....to see if they can help you understand YOU. Once again....I love it that you are looking into learning about YOU!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Decorum said:


> You sound like a decent person, I think you do tend to overlook red flags because you are projecting your decency onto the man giving you his attention. That is a little idealistic.
> 
> There is a difference between,
> 1. Chemistry
> ...


:iagree:


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Birth control. Can Birth Control Make You Choose the Wrong Partner? haha


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

CJ61 was able to "Like" a post twice, I have never seen that before.

CJ61 you must have special powers, ha ha I wonder how that happened?


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

You know in reading some of this it reminds me of the time I did not cook Christmas dinner because he need to make weight to stay in. Even with me doing that they still failed him on weigh-ins. Then when he left me I found out through another co-worker is that they conspired to fail him because when he was in Bahrain he had a sexual harassment charge. I was like wow I am stupid.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

FOH said:


> Why do some women who are good women, loyal etc tend to pick the wrong guys? Is it a flaw in us? What do you ladies think? Twice I have picked wrong. Maybe I am meant to live this life alone with no companion. I do not know. Any advice or comments will be great.


I had the same luck when choosing my ex wife.
You can learn to enjoy living alone. I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But marriage is so romantic, Hookares!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Decorum said:


> CJ61 was able to "Like" a post twice, I have never seen that before.
> 
> CJ61 you must have special powers, ha ha I wonder how that happened?


I have seen this before. Not sure how it happens, perhaps if you like, hit back and like again sometimes the database gets confused?


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