# Feel absolutely blah



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I am having an emotionally bad day. Was upset last night which carried over to this morning.

Crying often.

How long will I feel like this? What can I do to change my mental state?

I feel so overwhelmed. Like I'm not going to make it.


Ugh.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

Exercise

Friends

Family

Hobbies

Its time to find yourself again. Its no longer "Jay and ____". I have used my separation as a tool of self discovery and insight to myself. We tend to get absorbed by our other half and forget how strong we really are.

People in general feel powerless, but the truth is we are highly powerful and have amazing abilities. We can change the future unlike other animals, steering towards what we want.

I was lost too when my wife left but I'm more and more found everyday in building myself back into a better man than I was before we met.

Good luck


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

You're going to make it, I think I speak for all of us when I say that. We've all been where you're at and most of us go back there from time to time. Just hang on and cry when you have to. I spent a lot of time in the ladies room here at work those first months, it was horrible, but as time went on the tears subsided. It's a long process, and one that can only be walked through, no ran around. Just keep posting and when your knuckles turn white from holding on, squeeze tighter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you breathing? Do you have a pulse? Then you are not dead or dying. You just feel that way. 

You are stronger than you think. You will make it. Go ahead and weep and mope and have a pity party. Get it out of your system, but every day you stay this way is every day she is out there having her fun and doing whatever the f*ck she wants to, not giving a crap about the pain she is putting you through. 

Put a deadline on this, then get out and start living again despite her.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jayb,
Brother you will make it, we all will make it, it just takes a lot longer to sculpt an amazing statue out of the material we have been given.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hang in there. I agree with loatinpenn's suggestions. If I may share something my counselor told me:

Thought drives emotion.

When you find yourself feeling down - shift your thoughts. Do something to get you moving, to change your mindset, visualize yourself in a happier future... all of this can help get your mind back in track. It's often easier said than done, but this should be part of your toolkit when moving forward through this. It's made a big difference for me. 

My counselor also told me to shift my thinking to be more positive. For example, when I told her "I'm not out of the woods yet", she said that type of negative association feeds the subconscious. She told me to rephrase it to "I'm almost out of the woods". Made sense to me. Since moving forward is about getting to a better place, it's important to make the process and goals as positive as possible.

Who knows how long you'll feel that way. What you do with the time will help you deal with the pain, move forward, and before you know if the wind will be at your back. I think it's different for everyone. I've been separated for nearly 4 months, and living on my own for nearly 3.5 months. I've made great progress, and now view the occasional backslides and sad moments as just that... moments to get through. They are no longer paralyzing times of grief and insecurity.

It's kind of like a plane landing. As you work on yourself, and in time, the wheels start to touch the ground and bounce back up. In time, the bounces are less frequent and eventually, you'll feel grounded and ready to move on. 

Others have gone through this and we will too.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

This may sound weird, but I found that this has helped me a little over the past few days:

I went out with a friend on Friday and met a girl he knew. Stunning looking lady and we hit it off right away. Similar interests, humour, ect. ect. Now I'm in no place to really start a relationship of any kind, but we had fun and hopefully I'll get the chance to see her again.
I bring this up because subsequent to that, when I've had those thoughts about my ex, you know the ones, "Oh I wish I had someone to talk to... To go out to the movies with... To hold..." I turned my thoughts to this other woman. Not in the sense of fantasizing about her, but more of a, "hey, we really did hit it off. Maybe if things go well I could share some of these things with her." It obviously doesn't alleviate all the emotions I have for my ex, but it's been a nice distraction.
So perhaps the old adage, "Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one." Is true?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay, all great advice up there and you know we have been there/or are there now. Have you been to the doctor? I put it off for 2 months and regret it still today. Thanks to the meds I am easily able to control my emotions and not have them lead my brain. I have been a much more productive person w/ them. I won't be on them forever but through this life transition I have found them more than helpful. I exercise w/ them as well which really helps too. 

Hang in there and keep venting here.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I wish I were more like my wife in handling emotions.

I wear my emotions on my sleeves. 

I suppose what triggered it was another great family day yesterday, culminating in me leaving the house to go back to my condo, to be by myself. Alone.

Then, all of the thoughts kick up. I wish I were with my children, how did my wife stop loving me, why are we in this situation, I wish things were different, what's going to happen a year from now, how will this affect my children, etc., etc.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jay,
I too have always wore my heart on my sleeve, more so than my wife ever did. Don't stop doing that, it's who you are. Remember, you did try to make up for the mistakes of your past, but ultimately it was your wife that decided to throw in the towel.

It's okay to evaluate your relationship, but own what you did, and that's it. Don't own what she did to you brother.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Jayb: When you have days like these think positive and know that the roallercoaster will end. One thing that helps me when I'm feeling down or anxious is to go to the gym and workout as hard as I can. 

Now that you have more time for yourself try to find something new to do. Or perhaps start doing something you always wanted to do but couldn't because of lack of time in marriage life. 

In my case I've always wanted to start a blog and become a photographer.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Thanks for the replies. I wish I were more like my wife in handling emotions.
> 
> I wear my emotions on my sleeves.
> 
> ...


Jayb, as you well know these wonderful family days were about to kill me. They are not for her what that are for you. You feel like a family but she just goes on.

I ended the fake family stuff this weekend and it has been horrible but at least I don't have the hang over that you are experiencing. Every time we had those days as I family, I suffered the next. She did not. 

What if you took some time off of these family times? 180 for a bit and see how it feels to you and how it feels to her.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

sd212 said:


> Jayb, as you well know these wonderful family days were about to kill me. They are not for her what that are for you. You feel like a family but she just goes on.
> 
> I ended the fake family stuff this weekend and it has been horrible but at least I don't have the hang over that you are experiencing. Every time we had those days as I family, I suffered the next. She did not.
> 
> What if you took some time off of these family times? 180 for a bit and see how it feels to you and how it feels to her.


Jayb,

I think I've gotten as far as I've gotten due to stopping "family time". All it does is delay emotional healing and detachment. It's good for the kids to see parents getting along, but they can see that without "family time". STBXH comes over a few weeknights and I make sure I have things to do. IC and SG mostly, errands, getting work done at Starbucks. The nights he is not at the house or does not have them, he talks to them on the phone or FaceTime. 

"Family Time" was not reality. It was emotionally draining and kept leaving me hopeful. I've been able to push forward. It's still hard at times, but honestly, I couldn't continue living life as if everything were the same, but not.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> Jayb,
> 
> I think I've gotten as far as I've gotten due to stopping "family time". All it does is delay emotional healing and detachment. It's good for the kids to see parents getting along, but they can see that without "family time". STBXH comes over a few weeknights and I make sure I have things to do. IC and SG mostly, errands, getting work done at Starbucks. The nights he is not at the house or does not have them, he talks to them on the phone or FaceTime.
> 
> "Family Time" was not reality. It was emotionally draining and kept leaving me hopeful. I've been able to push forward. It's still hard at times, but honestly, I couldn't continue living life as if everything were the same, but not.


I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop them. The weird thing is, I have fun during that time, we all do. I really think nothing more. It's the leaving and drive home that sets me off, negatively.

I do notice that I am the one who initiates everything. My wife doesn't invite me or suggest we do family stuff. I do. 

What sucks is that I don't have other friends to take my mind off of this. My wife and children are it.

The biggest transition times for me are the first day/night I have my children and the first night when I don't have them.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Oh you'll get it soon enough. It took me so long to realize it was all a fantasy. Once you really start seeing it for what it is you will witness the neglect from her happening right before her eyes. IC was something the helped me with this. You're already pointing out some of the things that are one sided.

Does she ask you how you are doing, how your day was? 

I hear ya on the friends thing. It took me a bit to find some folks to hang out with but once I did it was priceless.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Those were the hard times for me, too, Jayb. Though I think I have the advantage of having the kids with me. It still sucked after "family time" thinking about things and analyzing every single thing and feeling hurt for every little thing that he wasn't even conscious he may have been doing. I felt lonelier after family time. Way more depressed. Then I found myself looking forward to it, to seeing him, only to get reminded after he left that we are not a family anymore. The way we do things now streamlines my life and keeps me focused. Maybe, over time, when I feel emotionally up to it, I can FULLY participate in family time with no hope that we'll get back together. But I couldn't move on without REALLY moving on.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sd212 said:


> Oh you'll get it soon enough. It took me so long to realize it was all a fantasy. Once you really start seeing it for what it is you will witness the neglect from her happening right before her eyes. IC was something the helped me with this. You're already pointing out some of the things that are one sided.
> 
> Does she ask you how you are doing, how your day was?
> 
> ...



Oh, I know how 1-sided it is. Sometimes, it pisses me off!

She does not ask how I am doing or how my day went. I was the one who did that consistently in our marriage. And, I still do it now, but expect nothing in return. habit, I guess. Last week, she did ask something personal about how I was, though. Big woop.

The tough part is when I leave and fantasize about what could be knowing what I know now and how I'm all about living. The reality is, of course, she is a different person now. People change and can choose to love or not.

I sent you a PM.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> Those were the hard times for me, too, Jayb. Though I think I have the advantage of having the kids with me. It still sucked after "family time" thinking about things and analyzing every single thing and feeling hurt for every little thing that he wasn't even conscious he may have been doing. I felt lonelier after family time. Way more depressed. Then I found myself looking forward to it, to seeing him, only to get reminded after he left that we are not a family anymore. The way we do things now streamlines my life and keeps me focused. Maybe, over time, when I feel emotionally up to it, I can FULLY participate in family time with no hope that we'll get back together. But I couldn't move on without REALLY moving on.


It's weird. I understand exactly what you wrote and experienced, yet, I swear I do not have such high hopes that we will reconcile that I over-analyze everything. In fact, when we are all together, I openly question why I would want to be with her as she is now. 

If I met her at a bar now, the way we both are personality wise, I'd pass her by. Yes, physically, I'm very attracted to her. But, mentally, we are in 2 different places.  I want to settle down. I want and crave mature love. She seems to be in some fog.

I am craving a fantasy. Afterall, I am the one learning, reading, seeking counsel, exercising, open/willing, etc., while my wife is???? So, I am overly sensitive about the dynamics of our past, present, and possible future, while she is in la-la land.

Maybe I'm in denial.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Jayb you are not giving her the chance to feel like she has lost you. You need to stop asking her how she is etc. and being the same guy that you used to be. She doesn't feel the need to reach out to you because she knows you will. You will never see cracks in her wall (if they exist) until you pull back. 

I've done this with my stbxw, and she reaches out to me almost every time now. I realize it's a little different because I am still in the house but the same principles still apply. I've put hope to bed at this point but it doesn't mean I've stopped trying to make cracks in the wall...and every time I see one now it makes me smile a little bit because I know my real wife is in there. 

Stop doing things that aren't working and when something does get a reaction, take note and find ways to keep incorporating those behaviors. Analyze the interactions between the two of you during family time and try something different next time. I guarantee that if you show up with a smile on your face and have an overall positive mood about you she will wonder what is going on.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

coachman said:


> Jayb you are not giving her the chance to feel like she has lost you. You need to stop asking her how she is etc. and being the same guy that you used to be. She doesn't feel the need to reach out to you because she knows you will. You will never see cracks in her wall (if they exist) until you pull back.
> 
> I've done this with my stbxw, and she reaches out to me almost every time now. I realize it's a little different because I am still in the house but the same principles still apply. I've put hope to bed at this point but it doesn't mean I've stopped trying to make cracks in the wall...and every time I see one now it makes me smile a little bit because I know my real wife is in there.
> 
> Stop doing things that aren't working and when something does get a reaction, take note and find ways to keep incorporating those behaviors. Analyze the interactions between the two of you during family time and try something different next time. I guarantee that if you show up with a smile on your face and have an overall positive mood about you she will wonder what is going on.



Gotcha. 180 is doing the opposite. I've got to practice being so fake-happy in her presence.

I have to constantly remind myself that she chooses not to love me. Regardless of anything. If there comes a time when she feels different, then she has to approach me. No more asking, begging, sulking, pleading, wishing from me.


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