# Update on my soon to be divorce



## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

OK, so there been some new developments.

Last time I posted, STBXH was texting me to "keep me in the loop".

It was one more thing to bring me back to sadness and basically starting at square one again. So later that night I decided that from now on everytime I start to feel down I HAVE to force myself, whether I want to or not, to do something positive for myself, for my daughter or for my life.

Easier said than done. 

The next morning I woke up so depressed. When my alarm went off, I layed in bed thinking, I can't go thru yet another day of this. I wanted so bad to just pull the covers up over my head and stay in bed not just all day, but the rest of my life! But I got up, forced a smile on my face by the time I woke up my daughter, took her to school and decided I was going to "work from home" that day.

I went through my house like I was on fire, lol. I took all the things he still hasn't come to get. (he had about 7 pick ups so far, each time saving something to have an excuse to come back) I bagged everything up and dropped it all off at my local GoodWill. (I have emails and text messages of him saying he didnt want this or that, then he does, then he doesn't - so Im covered just incase)

I went to my old cable company and dropped all their equipment off. Basically took care of things that I have been putting off because I just dont have the desire to do anything.

From their I called my mom who is a hair dresser to make sure she was going to be home and told her I was coming over to spend the afternoon with her and asked her if she would do my hair for me. (another thing I have been putting off since around Thanksgiving so I was LONG overdue) Plus, I wasn't goign to spend another day sitting at home alone with nothing to do but think and think and think. 

I stopped to pick up pastires and coffee and went. I got my hair cut and colored! I felt GREAT!!!

AND THEN......

I came home with alittle bounce in my step and picked up my mail on my way in the door and the first thing I saw was a postcard addressed to my ex from 1800 Flowers. My heart SANK! I knew before I even read it, something was not right. Why would they be sending him anything unless he was already a customer. And I KNOW I haven't gotten flowers from him in a long long time. So I flipped the card over and read the back. There was a message to him saying that really appreciate his business and they are so sorry for the mix up with his VALENTINES DAY ORDER. 

WHAT VALENTINES DAY ORDER? I know I didnt get any flowers from him. 

So I texted him. I said - did you seriously send someone flowers for Valentines Day while you have been begging me to not give up and have been supposedly trying to work things out with me - still your legal wife until the divorce papers are signed - are you kidding me?

He responded immediately saying - Think what you want, I wasn't trying to move on, I sent them to the HR woman to thank her for all she did and does for "US".

So he, who couldnt afford to pay off his own credit cards and cancelled cell phones, made me pay them off with my income tax, he who lives with his mommy while Im left paying all the bills on my own, he had the money to send some woman flowers on the most expensive flower day of the year on BEHALF OF ALL HIS BUDDIES AT WORK???? Instead of sending HIS WIFE flowers to apologize for all that has happened?

No.

I responded to his text with - yes, remember, I USED TO BE THAT HR WOMAN, I know the routine. Good luck in life, as soon as I get the papers, I will have them signed and sent. 

This is how we started - I was the HR woman at the company we worked at where we met. I was the shoulder he used to cry boohoo on about horrible his life was, how bad things were with his mom, how no matter what he tries to do, someone is always holding him back. I was the woman who would come in to work to find a dozen yellow roses on my desk and a card saying thank you for all you, or thank you for listening and being there. These were the things that made me fall in love with him, thinking this poor guy, his awful mom, he is trying so hard, the world is so unfair for him, awe look how sweet he is, awe, look how thoughtful.

This cut through me like a knife. Of all that we have been through, this was the finale for me. I felt broken. I felt so betrayed! All this time, all that I have been dealing with him, as far as I am concerned he broke our vows because I KNOW what his intentions were with the flowers.

I sat on my couch and cried. And cried, and cried and cried.

Then I went up in our bedroom and finally bagged up my wedding dress and all our wedding things I had saved and threw them out on the pavement for trash to pick up the next morning. All through this, everytime I tried to throw this stuff away something held me back and I just couldnt do it. But now it was different. They meant nothing, because now I know that our vows meant nothing to him. 

I creid all night that night, I let it out, I let it go. I am still extremely hurt, but Im in a different place with that hurt. 

The next morning (yesterday) when I got to work, I opened my laptop and immediately called the University of Phoenix and enrolled myself in classes to get my degree. Something I have been putting off because (a) we couldnt afford it, and (b) I couldnt dedicate enough time and energy and FOCUS with all that was going on while they were here. I finally ordered 2 books on GETTING OVER a divorce that my counselor has recommended for a long time, but I didnt want to GET OVER IT, I wanted to prevent it from happening so I never ordered them. I even paid for rush delivery, lol. I have an appointment with my counselor this morning. Im finally going out Saturday night, nothing big, but at least Im getting out of the house instead of spending my daughters weekends with her dad at home, alone, thinking and thinking. 

And my main focus right now is becoming a better person. Its time for me worry about "fixing" myself instead of always trying to "fix" other people.

Again, Im sure that this fire will subside and I'll find myself right back in tears again, but at least I will be able to look back on the time now and see that I can and will be ok once I get over the next crying spell.

Hopefully each spell with get longer apart and shorter in time.

Who knows???

Thanks for letting me vent this. Sorry it was so long, lol!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Good for you

I have a feeling you will be just fine


----------



## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Thank you! I hope so, plus, Im too stubborn and have been through too much in my life to allow him to destroy me!


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So sorry for everything you have been through. I am Stiill trying to let go also!
Hope your in a good place today and have some nice plans for the weekend.
Onwards and upwards my friend
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Thanks daisy, I wish the same to you!!!


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Excellent new Philly! Sounds like you're on your way to getting on with a healthy life for you and your daughter. I wish y'all the best


----------



## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Thanks Cherry


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Hang in there kiddo, it will get better, I promise.


----------

