# No attraction



## rocky31223 (Jun 29, 2010)

I am not married but have been seeing my best friend on and off for a while. When we met, we were just friends and I explained to him that I was not attacted to him at all. But as we got closer and I began to get to know him, and I fell in love. But, I have always doubted the relationship or future because of the physical thing. 

My family tells me I'm vain and that God doesnt like that but I am worried that if we were to get married, that I might always be seeing other good looking men and feel like I am missing out on the attraction aspect of the relationship. 

But, on the other hand, I am worried that I am focusing on this too much and that I may lose out on an incredible incredible man. He is respectful, considerate, passionate, loving, just overall amazing. We mesh so well and this for me is very very very hard to find. He has attributes that for me are what Id want in a husband.

I have also prayed about it a lot and feel like I dont get an answer, which is also quite frustrating. I have prayed that if he is not the one, that God take him out of my life. but that has not happened and he is generally persiatant..not in being my boyfriend but in being in my life. 

Yet I still think about that a lot and sometimes wonder if this is a real issue or if I am just scared of being stuck. And if I am just scared, how can I get rid of that feeling? I hear friends who are in a similar situation and they always say things like "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" but y dont I feel that way? 

Ive had horrible dreams were its my wedding day and because of my doubts I am wanting to cancel the wedding. Just overall tired of thinking about it!

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Marriage needs "love" plus 2,000% commitment. Don't do it.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

rocky31223 said:


> I have also prayed about it a lot and feel like I dont get an answer, which is also quite frustrating. I have prayed that if he is not the one, that God take him out of my life. but that has not happened and he is generally persiatant..not in being my boyfriend but in being in my life.


You can't pigeonhole God or make him do your bidding. What if there were a tragic accident? I don't mean God would bring harm to someone just because you make a general request. I'm asking how would you handle something happening to your boyfriend? You'd naturally feel it was your fault because in a round-a-bout way, you wished for it. The best things to request from God are wisdom and guidance in a situation like this. In that respect, and even though you didn't ask, you are given at least the gifts of perception and discernment to recognize you shouldn't marry this man. But you don't recognize that to be certain because you're too busy second-guessing God and listening to other people.

You are so incredibly wise to know this is a problem and reason all by itself not to marry a person. You would only be setting yourself and him up for insurmountable problems and heartache. Unfortunately, it is waaayyy too often that people, especially women, ignore these types of feelings and other blatant warning signs in their haste to fly down the aisle. Marriage forums like this one are full of the problems and unhappiness they create for themselves on a daily basis. Follow your mind, not your heart. The heart is deceiving and will convince you that he is such a great guy and you should marry him. Maybe something will happen that you fall head over heels for him all of a sudden. It's been known to happen but in the meanwhile, you are NOT being shallow or vain. Spare yourself and spare him the inevitable heartbreak. You will have children by the time you decide you can't take it anymore or by the time you meet someone you REALLY want to be with. Since you KNOW that is going to happen, then you should spare everyone ahead of time. You are being reflective and responsible. Keep it up.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You can't pigeonhole God or make him do your bidding. What if there were a tragic accident? I don't mean God would bring harm to someone just because you make a general request. I'm asking how would you handle something happening to your boyfriend? You'd naturally feel it was your fault because in a round-a-bout way, you wished for it. The best things to request from God are wisdom and guidance in a situation like this. In that respect, and even though you didn't ask, you are given at least the gifts of perception and discernment to recognize you shouldn't marry this man. But you don't recognize that to be certain because you're too busy second-guessing God and listening to other people.
> 
> You are so incredibly wise to know this is a problem and reason all by itself not to marry a person. You would only be setting yourself and him up for insurmountable problems and heartache. Unfortunately, it is waaayyy too often that people, especially women, ignore these types of feelings and other blatant warning signs in their haste to fly down the aisle. Marriage forums like this one are full of the problems and unhappiness they create for themselves on a daily basis. Follow your mind, not your heart. The heart is deceiving and will convince you that he is such a great guy and you should marry him. Maybe something will happen that you fall head over heels for him all of a sudden. It's been known to happen but in the meanwhile, you are NOT being shallow or vain. Spare yourself and spare him the inevitable heartbreak. You will have children by the time you decide you can't take it anymore or by the time you meet someone you REALLY want to be with. Since you KNOW that is going to happen, then you should spare everyone ahead of time. You are being reflective and responsible. Keep it up.


I so totally agree. We must be so careful what it is we wish let alone pray for. Those things have a habit of coming true.

Bob


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## rainbowdolphin (Jul 4, 2010)

If you are not physically attracted to this person you are going to find that lacking during the entire relationship. You have to have a complete balance of attraction and the emotional attachment. There will be ups and downs in any relationship, but if you are second guessing yourself already, you know the answer. Do what is best for the both of you.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I think it's awesome that you recognize this as a major problem, I wish I had your sense before I married, but you really need, as Rainbowdolphin' stated, the emotional AND physical attraction, or it will end up as just another 'best friends/roommate' type of relationship, like people who marry solely on looks, this is the opposite, and either one is a no-no for marriage:scratchhead:


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## rocky31223 (Jun 29, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You can't pigeonhole God or make him do your bidding. What if there were a tragic accident? I don't mean God would bring harm to someone just because you make a general request. I'm asking how would you handle something happening to your boyfriend? You'd naturally feel it was your fault because in a round-a-bout way, you wished for it. The best things to request from God are wisdom and guidance in a situation like this.
> 
> I guess I should clarify that my prayer request was for separation. Meaning for him to lose interest, for him to find someone else, to have to move away, etc. I have always clearly stated that I want whats best for both of us. But I definitely agree about the discernment and have prayed for that as well but I definitely feel very confused still. Mostly because I feel a great connection to him (although not physical) that I have never found with anyone. How can I be sure my feelings are correct or that its from God if I know I have had problems feeling this way before? I only never cared because I could let go. With him, I feel like I don't want to be away from him. I love him dearly.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Let me ask you this: how do you know when you're attracted to someone? 

See, here's what I'm thinking: I used to, when I was a teenage girl and a few years beyond, read romance novels. I ate those things like they were candy. And I had a very warped idea of what romance, love, and attraction should be like. I had this idea that attraction would be this instant, burning, passionate thing. 

And it's not necessarily. It is, but not in the way it's written in a romance novel, or portrayed in a movie. It's different. And if you have this same warped idea that I had, that could be your problem. It might not be that there's no attraction, but that you don't see it because you're looking for something different. 

However, if you know that there is just no attraction at all, then you just have to keep doing what you're doing. Keep telling him you don't see him that way, and keep him at a distance. Just be his friend, and be sure you never say or do anything to lead him to believe there's a chance for more. Getting into a relationship and possible marriage with someone you feel no attraction to just won't work. While sex and physical attraction are not the most important parts of a relationship/marriage, they are a part of it and eventually he will notice the lack of enthusiasm, not to mention that you will be tempted to look elsewhere.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Except for the praying part, this could have been written by my wife 20 years ago. She was never attracted to me either. I'm sure she regrets marrying me. She cheated me out of a happy sex life for the remainder of my life. She stole any chance of intimacy that I'll ever have. She cheated me out of the beauty of kissing someone who wants to kiss me back.

Please, for him, don't do it. It would be selfish of you and a mistake for both of you.


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