# Silent treatment for how long?



## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

Hi. I haven't heard from my husband in 5 days now. 

A couple of weeks ago we discussed how hurtful this silent treatment routine was to me and he was really nice and promised to stop doing this. 

I told him weeks ago that I would not travel home to be with his family since he canceled our wedding ceremony. He seemed ok with this but kept holding off on telling them, I asked him several times to do that (I didn't want to be rude) but he said it wasn't a big deal. 

This weekend he was awful and got really upset I wasn't going. He was suddenly concerned with explaining why I am not there, how it would look.

It has occurred to me now that this weekend may have been a "set up", he was planning all along to guilt me or strong arm me into going. 

I am furious that he is refusing to speak to me, it seems so childish and petty. He promised to stop this behavior. I am sick to think we are going to be alone through the holidays. 

We had to make some plans by today for our christmas trip, since I haven't heard from him I guess we aren't going now. 

I don't know what else to do but wait for him to eventually contact me. 

I am not good iwth this silence, I would rather he yell then do this. 

Any advice on how to deal with "silent treatment", and how long should I let this continue, weeks, months?????

Thanks, Kes


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, I hate the silent treatment too. I can only go for a couple of hours before I am telling him "okay, enough with the temper tantrum lets put on our big boy undies". I think it is natural for men to say nothing and think over everything, but after 5 days he should have something to say. You could always contact him and say hey, the longer this sits the worse its gonna be, we need to talk.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So basically both of you are playing a game of who's interests are more important?

You wanted a wedding ceremony and he didn't. Why? (I don't know details, you refer to him as your husband)

He wants you to go with him to visit relatives, but you are punishing him for canceling the wedding ceremony. 

So now he's punishing you by disappearing and not speaking to you.

Which one of you will spit first?


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

We are already married - courthouse ceremony - my choice/preference

Wedding ceremony was his request, not mine, it is for his friends and family

He is sending me alone to relatives, he is not coming. I am to continue to pretend we aren't married yet.

I sent him an email Monday asking him to let me know he is ok. I let him know the weekend mess was unfortunate for both of us. I told him I love him no matter what.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sounds pretty silly to me.

Are you two very young? His family religious? Why is another ceremony so important as a control football?

And how long have you been married? Eloped?

It doesn't sound like you two have very good conflict resolution skills, nor a willingness to back down.

Not a good way to start a marriage.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I gotta say, if this is what it's like before your marriage ceremony then your chances of making the marriage work look pretty bleak to me. I haven't followed your whole story, but if there aren't any kids in the picture yet you might think about cutting your losses and getting off this ship before it finishes sinking.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

can't stand the not knowing and the silent treatment myself my husband does it a bit as well, makes the mind wander.....


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Kessandra said:


> ... I told him weeks ago that I would not travel home to be with his family since he canceled our wedding ceremony ... I am furious that he is refusing to speak to me, it seems so childish and petty.


Sorry to have to tell you this, but the two of you appear to be trading one hurtful tantrum for another. He hurts you by ruining your ceremony plans => you pay him back by ruining his vacation plans => he pays you back by silent treatment ... etc etc when will it end?

It sounds to me like you are both being "childish and petty" to each other. The best way to break this cycle is marriage concelling.

Good luck.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

My husband gives me the silent treatment too. But he doesn't want therapy at all!! What should i do? Every time i try to tell him that's offensive, he says it's my fault, he's like this. It happens every 2 weeks...for 2-5 days. I'"m very frustrated! I feel hopeless too!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Charlene, a good man in control of his emotions and who knows who he is will not give you the silent treatment, particularly for days at a time.

Tell him he's acting like a child, that you need a real man. A real man admits when there is a problem and takes action. You both need to be in counseling together to work on better ways to communicate.

If he refuses maybe give him an ultimatum, because personally I couldn't live like that for 5 days out of 14, how miserable.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Kessendra and others with spouses who go silent,

The silent treatment is psychological abuse, it gets worse and worse with time. I've been there, it means the marriage is dead, it is time to move on with your life.

I agree with Syrum who wrote:
Tell him he's acting like a child, that you need a real man. A real man admits when there is a problem and takes action. You both need to be in counseling together to work on better ways to communicate.

If he refuses maybe give him an ultimatum, because personally I couldn't live like that for 5 days out of 14, how miserable.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

charlene said:


> My husband gives me the silent treatment too. But he doesn't want therapy at all!! What should i do? Every time i try to tell him that's offensive, he says it's my fault, he's like this. It happens every 2 weeks...for 2-5 days. I'"m very frustrated! I feel hopeless too!


Oh Charlene. This hits home for me.

Therapy won't fix it. Neither will books. Neither will marriage counselling. Retreats. Nada.

The only way it will end is if he commits to stopping this behavior and changing the behavior. 

When someone uses the silent treatment habitually, it is a form of emotional abuse. It's used to punish and control the person on the receiving end. It's quite cruel. Stonewalling and blanking someone makes them feel ostracized, like they matter so little, they don't even deserve to be acknowledged.

If you have already told him how this affects you and how it hurts you and he continues, then either: he doesn't care enough to commit to the stop doing something that is hurting you or you can tolerate living in a relationship like this.

Most sulkers DO NOT change. 

I was married to a man who did this over and over and over again habitually in a pattern. It could go from days to weeks and the last time he did it, it lasted nearly 2 months before I moved out. I decided I did not want to be in a marriage where he treated me as if I did not even deserve the basic human decency of being spoken to. 

And believe me, I tried every which way to get him to go to MC with me, individual therapy, told him how bad it made me feel, how hurtful it was, but he did not care. I would literally cry my eyeballs out at night to sleep.

One time we were on an 8 hour Paris flight and as soon as he got on the plane, he "turned off." Not a single word from him the entire time! He would ignore me on birthdays, holidays, regular days, you name it, without any warning. 
He could turn it off just as fast as he turned it on.

Would you treat someone you loved this way? 

The posters above hit it on the head. It is psychologically abusive and a real man knows how to deal with his emotions, not mistreat you like this. 

If you like, you can start your own thread on here so we can offer some feedback.


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## Mrs.Saucy (Jul 21, 2011)

The silent treatment is abuse. Are you sure you want to be with someone with such poor communication skills?


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Okay, first you have to ask yourself when/how does the silent treatment begins... More importantly, do he do it at random or is it on the heels of an argument....

Well I never gave much of my personal story, here goes...
I grew up with a mother (who may have been bipolar or something) who would yell and never hear my side of any debate, I just retreated... Fast forward, when me and my wife were in our early stages, I would not speak after an argument, I felt my views were not being heard, I was not important so I thought why should I speak until she listen and we resolve the problem... I in no way meant any harm or foul, sometimes we would revisit subjects when we were calm, sometimes I would just let it go... Fast forward some more it'll happen again, then my wife said "you know, when you don't speak to me, it hurts and I won't stand for it much longer"...
Those words struck a nerve, the whole time I thought to myself "I thought I was the only one feeling hurt by not talking" so I explained, sometimes I don't want to talk about good things or bad after an argument, I just wanted you to take in consideration my point of view... After nights of talking, we pretty much understood our miscommunication, fast forward, we get into a heated debate, I calmed down, and listened and then made my point... There was still misunderstanding but, I continued talking even though I was upset....
But then I started hearing how the silent treatment was abuse, as if used to purposely harm the other person, now I'm sure that's some peoples intent, but it was never mine, I just saw it as my retreat to cool down, and assumed when we were ready to talk like adults, we can congresses again... In short, I don't like to fight and yell, I looked at it as self preservation...
So what I said in the beginning, you have to figure out if he's doing this maliciously or if he is retreating....


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Thank you for your replies, that really means a lot to me!
Jellybeans-I'm very sorry to hear that. I was in therapy for 2,5 months for that. He came only once and says "this is stupid, i won't do it again, neither should you" Then i stopped ,not because he said so ,beacause it's an issue we both should work on.
WadeWilson- I can't say whether he's calming down or he's just being cruel, because he tend to lie about he's reasons. To me it looks like punishment, because he'll never explain what's the real reason.There's never a dialog on the subject, even after the "calming down"period.'He's always yelling about it. Of course it happens for some reason, or after an argument. That doesn't mean I should be the only one wanting to talk so we can work this out. From my point of view any reason it not enough to do this(and believe me it's always for a small thing)
There was an ultimatum about it ,but what should i do when he doesn't care and says ""You want to break up? Ok tell me when?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Charlene,

There is a vast difference between the "cooling down" period after a disagreement/impasse vs. the flat out intentional "silent treatment."

The "cooling down" period is normal and healthy. Sometimes it's best to take a little time to not argue about something so it doesn't escalate into an even bigger problem. That is ok and can actually help the situation. 

A habitual pattern of the silent treatment is not healthy and, if intentional, is cruel. When someone continues to blank you out of their life knowing full well it upsets you, they are doing it to be malicious. Which is he doing? 

Nonetheless, what he does is bothering you and you need to tell him that. If he cannot or does not own that he is hurting you when he does it, or doesn't empathize with how you feel, then that is a _huge_ red flag.

Wade example of the silent treatment was for 'cooling down.' And notice he said when his wife told him she felt hurt, how it impacted him and opened his eyes up to how he didn't want them both to hurt so they worked together to find a resolution. That is what good partner and healthy person does. 

An unhealthy person/partner does not acknowledge/own what they do or how you feel as a result of it--it's solely their way or the highway.

I take it you're not married? How long have you been together? How is his relationship with his parents?--do they stonewall him or other people? Does he do this to his siblings/friends? 

I'm going to link you some things:

Tracey Van **** Blog: The Silent Treatment vs. Cooling Off

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Charlene,
If he is threatening to walk away, and you stay...
He will not take anything you say seriously, take him up let him feel the danger of losing you...
Let him know firmly...
"if you don't talk about the problem, I don't want to live like this"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forgot to add that my ex would pull the "leave" card, too. 

"If you don't like it, then leave."

It got old. 

And one day -- I did leave.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife and I once went 26 days w/o speaking to each other. It's better than the other options in most cases. I mean how much muttering, mumbling, hissing, talking to herself am I going to put up with until I flip out? Silence is better. And the good thing is sometimes you can have multiple fights and 'arguments' with one another and you don't even know it! A few weeks ago she went a quick 4 days w/o speaking to me and during that time she probably had half a dozen mini-furious meltdowns at something I did or didn't do. But I never heard about it, which was awesome!


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks girls, I'm not threatening to leave i just said "if this will go on i think we shouldn't be together any more" . After a few day of "talking" about it/ Because he can't talk normally, he yells and mocks everything i say/ he stated acting like nothing happened/ yesterday i found him cleaning the house and told me he was coming with me to my parents(after I asked of course)/ May be it's good things are better now but I can't appreciate it ,because the next time is very soon/ when we haven't talked it through/ When we begin to talk about it it becomes a fight, where he tells me how i feel or how what he did was nothing( how i was too sensetive)
...etc.
Yes he does it to other people/mother,for his brother i'm not sure/
His father passed away when he was 10. They are not the kind of people who talk about stuff. He seems like the head of the family/ mother's favourite/ and that's how things are . We are married almost a year, lived together 2 years, known each other from 6 years. IT sound pretty stupid not to know who he was ,but after the wedding it become more disturbing. Before that there were fights ...but not that kind of looong silence. I have to ask you ,how this period ends by you? He lets it go or you, how?
Jellybeans thank for the articles, I've read so much about it ,i'll read that too!


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