# Husband failed polygraph...what now?



## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

I found out my husband of 12 years was having an affair...

I found email correspondence to and from a girl. I confronted him about these emails and who this girl was and he blew it off as someone that lives in one of the apartments that he maintains and that they were 'just friends" and the emails meant nothing. I didn't believe they were just friends so I started digging further into his laptop and found emails back and forth that they were expressing their "love" for each other in. I also found an email that she sent him that contained the youtube video of the song "stay". When I confronted him about these emails he said again that they were just friends and nothing EVER happened between them. I also called the girl and she also swore NOTHING ever happened between them and that they were JUST FRIENDS. Later my husband admitted they did kiss (a peck on the cheek) a couple of times. I of course didn't believe a word either of them said because they had been communicating for at least TWO years through email and phone calls. So I gave my husband "one last chance to come clean" he again swore there was nothing between them and he didn't "love" her. I asked him to take a polygraph test to prove he didn't have a sexual relationship with this girl and he immediately agreed to it. I thought for sure he would pass the test since he was so anxious to take it and so was she for him to take it! I researched examiners and schedule the test. It was a 3 question test. Question 1. Did he have sex with (girls name) question 2. did he initiate relationship with (girls name) question 3. was he the one that stopped communication with (girls name). He of course answered "no" to question 1&2 and yes to question 3. He failed ALL 3 questions miserably. He acted so surprised that he failed I almost believed the test was wrong, then I came to my senses! I went home packed my suitcases and was ready to leave! I gave him one more chance to "come completely clean". He then admitted that there were 4 times that he "wanted" to have sex with this girl but it never got to that point but did go as far as him lifting her shirt and fondling her but they stopped themselves before it got too far! And that is ALL that happened between them. I guess my issue is if an incident like that happened one time between them and they stopped it because they didn't want to cross that line why would the do it 3 more times???? I called the polygraph examiner and told him what my husband revealed to me and if this is what he was hiding could this be the reason he failed and the examiner said the question was specific and they discussed what "sex" was prior to the exam. Which I expected to be his answere. This happened about 2 months ago... I have been trying to work on our marriage since then but I keep struggling because I don't know the truth! We started marriage counseling immediately but the counselor has only had me at the sessions 3 times and my husband goes once a week and never discusses the sessions with me nor does the counselor talk to me. I'm just not sure if we are on the right path to "fixing" our marriage. I love my husband very much and want our marriage to stay together I am willing to work on forgiveness but I can't forgive him if he doesn't tell me the truth! I just don't know what I should do at this point. I am tired of hurting, crying, etc. I sometimes feel like he thinks that things are "all better" now. If I call his cell phone and he doesn't answer I go into panic mode that he is up to something. Someone please help!!!!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

need to know said:


> He then admitted that there were 4 times that he "wanted" to have sx with this girl but it never got to that point but did go as far as him lifting her shirt and fondling her but they stopped themselves before it got too far!


Now why don't I believe he actually stopped after groping her? Oh yeah, b/c I'm a FN guy. 

Sorry you're going through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Polygraphs are not infallible.

A Polygraph CANNOT tell if someone is lying. All it detects is a heightened response to a set of questions. Nothing more.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

You did get the dreaded "Trickle Truth" after you took a hard stance and packed your bags

Trickle Truth (TT) - the act of minimizing actions during an affair. The WS will often only admit after many denials, that information that he/she thinks their BS knows about. The truth only slowly trickles out after each new discovery that the BS makes. Each time TT happens, it is considered another D-Day, sending the BS into yet another agonizing incident of pain. For example: A WS will often say their AP is just a friend, then the BS will discover more. Only when confronted with more evidence or further questioning, the WS may only admit to hugging and/or kissing, then when confronted with more evidence or questioning, admit to having oral sex, or a single sexual encounter, when in reality, it was more than a single sexual encounter. WSs will often say the sex was bad.



read A/R's newbiw link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You're right Matt, but an experienced handler can get the truth out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> You're right Matt, but an experienced handler can get the truth out.


If they are an experienced handler, if the questions are not too simple.

If the husband is lusting after another woman, wants her really badly, but they haven't done the deed, I could understand if the question: "Have you had sex with Ms X?" might trigger a heightened response which was a heightened response to an unasked question that was implicit: "Would you like to have sex with Ms X?"


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

@Thunderstruck...that is why I DON'T believe it! Maybe if it was one time and they stopped it but when it happened at least FOUR times, no way! Maybe the first time it was stopped and the other 3 it was to see if he could get where he wanted to go!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi need to know:

My STBEH lied about it being only a friendship at first. 

Fortunately I was sent anonymous letters and information from someone who provided verifiable information and photographs.

If the person is telling you it's an EA it's most likely a lie, unless the AP live clear across the country and your spouse never travels without you.

I read about one court case in which a man who cheated and perjured himself on the witness stand. 

Then when showed a video tape of him having sex in a hotel room with the OW, he insisted that it wasn't him. It was a man who looked like him

As some experienced BS's on TAM have said, if a cheaters lips are moving, they are lying. 

An EA is a good cover story for a man-woman relationship that has crossed boundaries.

Still, my STBEH lied until he was showed proof.


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

@MattMatt....the question was specific did he have sex with this particular girl...he answered "NO' and the test showed an "significant reaction" his score an actual -13. A -5 or -6 is considered to be not truthful or failing on a polygraph.


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

Just to give a little more background...normally I would have FREAKED out upon finding something like this out and I would have confronted my husband probably yelling and screaming etc. but surprisingly I was VERY calm never raised my voice at him just begged for the truth! I told him from the very beginning that if he came clean we could/would do everything and anything we had to to save our marriage, and that I would stand by him! He still insisted there was NO sexual contact. I also told him if he failed the polygraph that I was gone! Of course he failed and I am still here! I told him I could handle the truth and needed to know all of it in order to move on...he swears he told it all. I told him after we have been in counseling for a bit and no more information is revealed and he insists he told me everything that I would have him repeat the polygraph test and if he failed that would be the end of our marriage.

The part that really sucks for me is I am not a naive woman that believes a man can actually be faithful. Although I know there is a percentage that can/will be. I just have always felt that no matter how good a man is to you there will always be that part of them that can't turn down "something different". Because of past experiences with boyfriends I alway told my husband, if you ever feel the desire to cheat on me, 1. wear protection, 2. Don't fall in love. Even though he says he doesn't/didn't "love" her, he told her he did, more than once and for 12 years he never calls me by my name he has always called me "baby" and that is how he addressed her in his emails! For me I think that is the hardest part to get over!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

need to know said:


> . I just have always felt that no matter how good a man is to you there will always be that part of them that can't turn down "something different". Because of past experiences with boyfriends I alway told my husband, if you ever feel the desire to cheat on me, 1. wear protection, 2. Don't fall in love.


wtf

Why does it even matter then whether or not he failed the lie detector test? You essentially have a one sided open marriage. Him calling her "baby" should be the least of your concerns.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

need to know said:


> Just to give a little more background...normally I would have FREAKED out upon finding something like this out and I would have confronted my husband probably yelling and screaming etc. but surprisingly I was VERY calm never raised my voice at him just begged for the truth! I told him from the very beginning that if he came clean we could/would do everything and anything we had to to save our marriage, and that I would stand by him! He still insisted there was NO sexual contact. I also told him if he failed the polygraph that I was gone! Of course he failed and I am still here! I told him I could handle the truth and needed to know all of it in order to move on...he swears he told it all. I told him after we have been in counseling for a bit and no more information is revealed and he insists he told me everything that I would have him repeat the polygraph test and if he failed that would be the end of our marriage.
> 
> The part that really sucks for me is I am not a naive woman that believes a man can actually be faithful. Although I know there is a percentage that can/will be. I just have always felt that no matter how good a man is to you there will always be that part of them that can't turn down "something different". Because of past experiences with boyfriends I alway told my husband, if you ever feel the desire to cheat on me, 1. wear protection, 2. Don't fall in love. Even though he says he doesn't/didn't "love" her, he told her he did, more than once and for 12 years he never calls me by my name he has always called me "baby" and that is how he addressed her in his emails! For me I think that is the hardest part to get over!


He doesn't take you for real - leave. He has to take you for real before he will work seriously on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

> I just have always felt that no matter how good a man is to you there will always be that part of them that can't turn down "something different". Because of past experiences with boyfriends I alway told my husband, if you ever feel the desire to cheat on me, 1. wear protection, 2. Don't fall in love.


And now you're actually pissed that he did cheat????:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

If what you're saying is correct, the polygrahp examiner needs to find another line of work.

Three questions? Were there any "control" questions in there as well? You can't just ask someone three questions on a polygraph.

And the definition of "sex" part of it that he was supposed to know what "sex" was as it was explained to him at the beginning of the poly? The questions needed to be more specific in this instance. Many people's definition of sex is different. And an examiner telling him what the definition is for the test will not change how your husband feels he is answering based on his beliefs during the test. A better question would have been "Did you have sexual intercourse with this woman?" or something along those lines. 

The examiner is crap, and so I believe would be the results of this test.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

donny64 said:


> If what you're saying is correct, the polygrahp examiner needs to find another line of work.
> 
> Three questions? Were there any "control" questions in there as well? You can't just ask someone three questions on a polygraph.
> 
> ...


I'm assuming she was able to ask for 3 questions that were of the same line of questioning. Also I am thinking that he had to have had control questions to establish a 'reaction'. It would be the examiner's duty to explicitly lay out what "sex" is as not to confuse the results. Needtoknow can you clear up any of this?


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, I was allowed 3 questions of my own. There were control questions to establish his base lines. There were questions that he was asked to be dishonest on and there were questions he was asked to be honest on and then there were the 3 questions I wanted to know the answers too. Each set of questions was asked 3 times and the results were "tallied". He showed significant reaction each time. As far as the examiner explaining what sex was to him, no they discussed what my husband's definition of sex was, meaning oral sex, sexual intercourse, etc. So what I am saying is he answered no to the question did he have sex with her, (sex meaning, itercours, oral) and he failed!


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

@anonymouskitty... as I said before it's been my experience with most relationships I've been in that the quy cheated, usually a one night stand and the excuse was always, "I don't know why, just something different, exciting". I have always been a big communicator with my husband, he's my best friend I talk to him about everything and so we talked about past relationships, and yes in our talks I told him how I had been cheated on in the past and what the excuse always was and so I told him how I felt. I know there is such a thing as meaningless sex out there, especially for guys, sex is more emotional for women, or so I thought. So yes I did tell him what I told him, did he listen obviously not! So am I pissed, of course, but HURT more than anything. I can tell you I could deal with a drunking one night stand a whole lot easier than him telling some girl he loves her and calling her baby! Especially since this girl doesn't have a job, car, and lives in public housing!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Polygraphs are not infallible.
> 
> A Polygraph CANNOT tell if someone is lying. All it detects is a heightened response to a set of questions. Nothing more.



No offense, thats a little cop-out.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

i usually am a really hardliner guy with cheaters of all kinds, but i think you americans put way too much trust into something that isn't all that reliable. 

That being said... The whole "just friends"... then, we only went so far... Well, don't buy it!



> No offense, thats a little cop-out.


It really isn't. It can be beaten and the worst kind o liars (those who convince themselves of the lie) are not caught. And there are plenty of demonstrable false positives.


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> wtf
> 
> Why does it even matter then whether or not he failed the lie detector test? You essentially have a one sided open marriage. Him calling her "baby" should be the least of your concerns.


Because of my experiences in my past relationships with guys cheating and me having the ability an want to, to talk to my husband about them and my feelings on infidelity makes it a one sided open marriage, I don't think so! I NEVER told my husband go ahead and cheat it will be okay. Obviously there was more to our conversations about cheating then me telling him not to fall in love. I never gave him an idea that it would at all be okay. But falling "in love" would make it worse! Failing the test of course matters, needing to know the whole truth matters, him calling her "baby" means there was more than a physical relationship but a deep emotional one. Don't judge the whole situation on one statement made. It's a fact that more people cheat than not, me saying I can deal with a one night stand easier than cheating with feelings involved does not mean its okay. I'm not okay with my husband having any kind of relationship with another woman unless it truly is just a friendship! And I believe if it WAS just a friendship then I would have know about the girl!


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## need to know (Jul 2, 2012)

Vanton68 said:


> I'm assuming she was able to ask for 3 questions that were of the same line of questioning. Also I am thinking that he had to have had control questions to establish a 'reaction'. It would be the examiner's duty to explicitly lay out what "sex" is as not to confuse the results. Needtoknow can you clear up any of this?


Yes, I was allowed 3 questions of my own. There were control questions to establish his base lines. There were questions that he was asked to be dishonest on and there were questions he was asked to be honest on and then there were the 3 questions I wanted to know the answers too. Each set of questions was asked 3 times and the results were "tallied". He showed significant reaction each time. As far as the examiner explaining what sex was to him, no they discussed what my husband's definition of sex was, meaning oral sex, sexual intercourse, etc. So what I am saying is he answered no to the question did he have sex with her, (sex meaning, itercours, oral) and he failed!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm surprised you wasted money on the polygraph. I think you had him with the emails.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The point is he never came clean and lied even with a polygraph then when pushed he sort of told the truth. The issue I see is you don't know what to do next , he is the same man who has been deceiving you for two years nothing has changed . You have to decide if your prepared to put up with his lies , and I assure you he has has sex with her, or are you going to take steps to change this. You cannot live in such a relationship and I suggest the only way forward is for you to start being prepared to lose your marriage.

Take the OW out and expose her actions to her family and SO. Expose your husbands affair to his parents and yours . 

Run the 180 and focus on you, run it until you are ready to make a decision. Your husband is either going to change to win you back or not. The 180 will place you in a better position to make a rational decision as to how you see your future.

It goes to say don't beg grovel or plead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The 180

The Healing Heart: The 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I wouldn't worry at this point about how far he went, and what his definition of s*x is. If my W kisses a dude and lets him play under her shirt, she might as well give him the full service. He cheated...end of story. He should have to work his azz off before you even consider taking him back. At a minimum, I'd go see a lawyer to learn my rights.


need to know said:


> Especially since this girl doesn't have a job, car, and lives in public housing!


She was an easy mark for him.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> Polygraphs are not infallible.
> 
> A Polygraph CANNOT tell if someone is lying. All it detects is a heightened response to a set of questions. Nothing more.


Well, it seems he did ask control questions, but the above is true. The way the questions are worded can make a world of difference.

Take the following scenario:

A military member comes up hot on a urine test for cocaine. He was at a party where there was cocaine, but did not knowingly ingest it. But he could not explain any other way how he could have come up hot other than someone slipping it to him.

The first test: "Did you ingest the drug of cocaine?" His answer, of course, was "No". Well, "deception indicated" according to the examiner.

Guy's career and life were on the line, and he was scared out of his mind. He went back to try to find out how it happened and who, if anyone slipped him the drugs. Someone had. They would not come forward and verify doing so, for obvious reasons, but he found out it had happened, and demanded another polygraph. 

The second test: "Did you _knowingly_ ingest the drug of cocaine?" His answer, again, was "No". Well, what do you know, he passed. See the difference?

Why the failure on the first test? Because he believed in his mind that he had in fact ingested it due to the failed urine test. He believed the test to be accurate, knew there was cocaine at the party, and believed he must have ingested it, even though there was no intent to do so on his part.

I witnessed both of these exams myself. 

I've seen other such failures of the polygraph and / or examiner. They are a tool to garner a confession...nothing more in my opinion. They are definitive proof of nothing. I, again, would never subject my wife to one. Now, she might think I'm going to, and I'll play it up to the hilt right up until we walk in an examiners door, but I would never have her strapped to one of those for any reason. Besides, if we've gone that far, it is over anyway.

My concern would be the question about "sex". To open to interpritation, no matter who set the "definition" of it before the exam. Questions needed to be more specific, IMO.

Now, if he did not pass, and this elicited a confession out of him, then yes, he was found to be a liar and the polygraph did its job (got a confession or verified there was cause for reasonable suspicion). What it did not do in and of itself is show him to be a liar. It can't, because it is not anywhere near 100% fail safe. Maybe it's 90%? How would YOU like to be that 10% over an important life issue?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

need to know said:


> Because of my experiences in my past relationships with guys cheating and me having the ability an want to, to talk to my husband about them and my feelings on infidelity makes it a one sided open marriage, I don't think so! I NEVER told my husband go ahead and cheat it will be okay. Obviously there was more to our conversations about cheating then me telling him not to fall in love. I never gave him an idea that it would at all be okay. But falling "in love" would make it worse! Failing the test of course matters, needing to know the whole truth matters, him calling her "baby" means there was more than a physical relationship but a deep emotional one. Don't judge the whole situation on one statement made. It's a fact that more people cheat than not, me saying I can deal with a one night stand easier than cheating with feelings involved does not mean its okay. I'm not okay with my husband having any kind of relationship with another woman unless it truly is just a friendship! And I believe if it WAS just a friendship then I would have know about the girl!


I'm really trying to bite my tongue here and not come across as too harsh but, are you actually for real? When you tell your husband "it's okay if you screw around just don't fall in love and use a condom", what impression are you actually giving him?

It's irrelevant what happened in your past relationships. A loving and dutiful husband would go out of his way to assure and prove to you that he will not cheat. What's even more bizarre is that you have these "ground rules" for his extramarital affairs and get hung up over a silly phrase. You have serious co-dependency issues and your self esteem must non existent to have these expectations of men and what you deserve in a relationship. And it isn't a fact that "more people cheat than not".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I'm really trying to bite my tongue here and not come across as too harsh but, are you actually for real? When you tell your husband "it okay of you screw around just don't fall in love and use a condom", what impression are you actually giving him?


Yeah, I finally learned in life. On most things, you can't be half stepping. 

Why waste your time wondering whether he's using a condom or if he might fall in love. Just tell him don't even ****ing think about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

donny64 said:


> If what you're saying is correct, the polygrahp examiner needs to find another line of work.
> 
> Three questions? Were there any "control" questions in there as well? You can't just ask someone three questions on a polygraph.
> 
> ...


Donny, the apparent lack of a control question was what made me wonder if the polygraph operator was firing on all cylinders.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> No offense, thats a little cop-out.


No. It isn't. That is the science behind polygraphs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But putting to one side the polygraph, he has over-stepped the line with this OW. Else why was a Polygraph even considered necessary?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

need to know said:


> Even though he says he doesn't/didn't "love" her, he told her he did, more than once and for 12 years he never calls me by my name he has always called me "baby" and that is how he addressed her in his emails! For me I think that is the hardest part to get over!


Serial cheaters never call the OW and or possibly the spouse by their first name because of the possibility of making a mistake in name. 

The OW in my case always called STBEH by a nickname, never used his real name. She was a confessed serial cheater and one nighter type. 

You also have been bluffing him too much. 

Stop issuing ultimatums you will not follow through with. 

If you say if you do X, I will leave, then you best follow through.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

There is so much disinformation here on polygraphs. People they work, a monkey could do it.

Don't confuse the skill of an interrogator with truth detetion. Psst, here is a secret....everyone today uses a computer and all the examiner does is verify the results.....


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