# Physically, emotionally exhauseted..don't want to go on...



## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

I've posted once before on these forums and shared a little of my story..but anyway...

Before I came home from Iraq, my wife told me she wanted to be separated. She said that she wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted her freedom. I thought it was just the stress of taking care of an infant, her job (works 12 hrs/day, 5 days/week), and her lack of self esteem. She's always talking about she hates how she looks after having our son and how she can never wear cute clothes anymore. She is still as beautiful and sexy as she ever has been, but it doesn't mean anything to her when I tell her. 2 months before I deployed, we had our 1st and only child. Then I deployed. When I came home on R&R, things were OK. Not how they used to be, but OK. We had sex a couple times, but now I know it was only because she felt bad and kind of had to force herself to do it.

Now that I'm home, she wanted to try and find her feelings for me again. It's been 2 months since I came home. Almost everyday we were together, held hands in the beginning, hugged every night, and that was about it. No kisses. No sex. No intimacy. Also, she's been living somewhere else. Refuses to tell me where because she wants to do her own thing. Before I came home, she said she wanted to what she wanted whenever she wanted and didn't want to have to answer to anyone. I have never been that type. Not controlling in anyway.

Yesterday, the 1st of January, she dropped the bomb. Very calmly and not arguing, she said she is not in love with me and does not want to be together anymore. I'm crushed. I feel all I have left is my son. It hurts even more for him to see me cry. He's only 1 and doesn't understand. I miss her so badly..I don't understand how you can just throw away 4 years of marriage like this. I have very little family here, and don't want to talk to them about this. And never really had a chance to make friends with the deployments and always being with her. I feel so alone and have no one to help. While I was gone, she developed new friendships and is always with her friends. I feel like I've been tossed out like yesterday's trash. She says it's up to me with where we go from here..being fully separated or a divorce..up to me. I hate that I love her the way that I do...I don't know if any of you can help, and this is probably just a bunch of rambling...I'm just so lost right now. 3 days ago at work, she texted me saying she missed me. And now she doesn't want to be together...


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## harri45 (Dec 30, 2010)

I am so sad for you. I know how your are feeling, empty, lost. confused, angry, sad, insane, I could go on forever. Day 6 for me and still feel if my heart is going to explode with grief. No helping words other than you are not alone in them.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your pain. As a person with no prior experience with the military, I am finding that divorce/separation and infidelity are major problems for military personnel. As a civilian, you just don't think about it, but I'm seeing that this is yet another major sacrifice that a lot of our men and women who serve have to endure. 

As far as your specific situation goes, are you sure there is no one else?? It sounds like it. It sounds like she's ready to take the leap, but there is something holding her back. Like, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She knows you are devastated and will likely be there if she wants you back, but she wants to continue to explore her new found freedom and likely a new man. For her to say that it's your choice about what to do with the marriage is a horrible way to try to manipulate the situation. If it were really up to you, you would want to save the marriage. She is sitting on the fence right now. I say knock her off. 

Tell her that you would want nothing more than to have your family in tact and to have your wife with you. But, if she has other thoughts, she can get her stuff out of your house, set up a visitation schedule with your son, and you will see her in court to work out the rest. Take the half the $ out of any joint bank accounts and set up your own account. No matter how much this is killing you, don't let her walk on you. I allowed that with my H for several months - he didn't know what he wanted, didn't know if this change he wanted was going to be permanent, etc. I followed him around like a puppy for months, at times begging and pleading that he please stay to make us work. We were married for 14 years, were best friends and have two young children together. My situation came out of the blue too and I am also devastated. But, things will slowly get better. He will no longer control my entire world. If he wants to leave us for someone else and thinks the grass is greener, he can get out and stay out. Why should we have to take that from anyone? Why should another person be allowed to take their spouse to total devastation and get away with it. Show her what it will be like without you in her life. What I'm trying to say to you is take some control back.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

Thanks for the replies!

Blown - Sometimes I do want to put her out for good, just can't bring myself to that. I feel it would complicate things way too much. Ex: Our house and 2 brand new cars - I couldn't afford the house and 1 car if she took me to court for child support and all that. She has said before that we can stay married if it would make things easier. I honestly believe she just has issues she needs to work out. She has sleep problems, other medical issues, and (I think) post-partum and maybe regular old depression. On top of that, an EXTREMELY stressful job and constantly works. Maybe I'm being to forgiving? I have tried to help with all of these, she just refuses to do anything. This woman is my world and can't imagine being without her (even though I pretty much have been...)

I come from divorced parents and can't imagine my son going through what i went through. I just don't believe and don't want divorce as an option. To be honest, she could tell me that she has cheated - whatever - and I would be willing to work through it. Call me crazy..whatever..I just have unconditional love for her. Really don't know what to think :/


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

So we just got off the phone..she just wants to be alone for awhile and swears there is no one else (i honestly believe her). Neither of us want a full blown divorce and she agrees to a separation. It hurts but I hope it will change her feelings. She says she goes out with her friends to have fun and is not looking for other guys or anything like that...looks like I have to find a way to get some friends of my own around here 


EDIT: Little background..she married her first husband at 18 and was with him for 3 years. We met while they were getting divorced and we married a year later. She's now 25 (bout to be 26) and has said before she feels she never got to "live" because she's always been married...


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

Just give her some space and time. I know it is very hard and each day seems an eternity but right now it's the best thing to do. At least you can be in touch and let her know that you are here for her whenever she is ready to share thoughts with you. However, you will have to keep an eye and ensure there is no OM in her life. You should try and keep yourself busy with some kind of hobby and try to meet up with other guys to try and divert your thoughts. At some point you will have to decide if you want to keep waiting for her. This is a very painful moment to go through specially when you really love your wife. Be strong and good luck.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

Last night she packed a bag with some clothes and that's all she took with her. She then took our son to the store and brought him home when she was done. When she left, I was still crying and completely devastated that she was really starting this separation. Before she left, like she always does, she asked for a hug and said "I love you"...this is what she's done every night before she leaves. Anyone think that she still has feelings and still really loves me? Or is she just trying to be nice and feeling bad for hurting me? 

Note* - She's still wearing her ring, and SAYS she's still going to wear it, because she's not looking for anyone else.

Thoughts?


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## TheLostGoodGuy (Nov 1, 2010)

All right there hero. Im going to save you from yourself. Im going to put it on all the line so you can here my story and maybe you can see the truth and quit trying to ask yourself why. I was stationed at Fort Campbell Ky and I was in the 
101st LRSD (the little ranger unit there). It was my dream to go to Special Forces. My wife at the time hated the idea. I was the best at PT and on the Range and only one guy in the unit could out ruck me. I did what I had to do and ended up in 5th Group Special Forces after I got there is was time to go to Iraq. I deployed with them within 2 months of being with them. It was my first tour to Iraq and my wife was pregnant at the time. That deployment went smooth while I was gone she moved in with my mother and when I returned we were in so much love. Then 6 months of being home they said it was time to go again. So on my second tour this where things started going down hill. The nice little wife always waiting by the phone was no becoming unreachable and her attitiude had changed. Anytime I finally got ahold of her she told me she was at the neighbors because she was tired of being alone. I didnt think nothing of it they had kids the same age as ours and me and guy next door were freinds as well as his wife. But as the deployment dragged on she became angry. Well I finally came home and things were good for about a month and then we began fighting nonstop all the time anytime we were together. Third Deployment was hell. I finally got put on a team I was excited but they put me on the team 2 weeks before we deployed so I went to Iraq with 12 guys I have never met until then so I was alone. I was the youngest guy on the team and what I did for fun was different than the old timers. Long story short I got hurt and called her to just let her know I was in the hospital I has all my parts and I would be ok it was just a flesh wound. Near the end of the deployment in December 1 month before redeployment 5 days before Christmas she told me she didnt love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I had lost several friends this time so I was not in good shape mentally. I decided to go get some help before I put boots back in country and I told the physc how I was feeling. I made a comment that if I were to somehow go home today I would shoot her in face because at least here **** isnt personal its just buisness. Well they freaked out and called her and made the situation worse. While I was still there they sent MPs to my house and collected up all my weapons and they were quiet concered with my only littler personal armsroom. She moved out of the house before I got home. Well I finally got home and had to be escorted off the plane by 2 other soldiers to greet my children and wife off the plane just incase I tried to kill her. After 15 mins they told me it was time to go and with 30 mins of being home they took me to mental health were I had to talk to a physc before I could be relased. He cleared me and I was allowed to go home. I walked in and the house was literally torn apart trash and animal feces was everywhere cause she left the cats in the house. She left like she was being chased by the cops. Seeing how it was on post housing I had to clear out of it and move back in the barraks. The damage and trash cost me 1500 dollars to clear housing. After about three months we got back together she had got a new job and things were looking up again. After a month of being together she told me she wanted to go get some drinks with some girls from work so I was like whatever go have fun. Well that went from one every couple of weeks to every weekend to a couple of times a week. If i metioned anythign then it turned into how I didnt trust her. Everytime she went out it got later and later to the point where she would just tell me she was too drunk to drive home so she would say at a girlfriends house. I could smell the bull a mile away. She stopped for awhile and then things were better than ever and we bought a house using our VA home loan. BIG MISTAKE one month after getting the house I found out through our children that she was taking them to go hang out wiht a guy named TROY from work and she tells me he is just a friend who has kids and she thought it would be nice for the kids to play with other children their own age. I knew it was crap so I tried to remain calm. One week later a mutal friend of ours was telling me what was the deal with my wifes myspace page. I was like I didnt even know she had one so the final night she came home late from work as ussual and I was sitting at the computer when she walked in. So I told her than I was talking to a friend of ours and she need to be truthful now. I was asking about the myspace but she thought I found out about the other man. So she began to confess everything. Once those words came out I was back in Iraq I went straight to tunnel vision and blackness. All I remember was her screaming dont do this and then I was choking the life out of her. I heard our son standing behind me watching as I was trying to kill his mother. Immediatly I was snapped back to reality and I let her go. Once she came back to she called the cops and I went to jail. Now mind you this is the first time that anything like this has ever happened and I was deployed for OIF 1 2 and 3 the bloodiest parts of the war in the most lethal unit in the world. I have got some demons man. When I went to court the Judge told me he understood why I did what I did and she was just another cheating spouse that soaked up my pay and that if I kept my nose clean for a year it would get thrown out. Well it i did and now I have a clean record again but during the time of the Restraing order she emptied my account and rented a uhaul and moved her my kids and her new boyfriend to California. Remember we lived in KY what a move. I didnt find out until 6 months later. 


So why did I tell you all this sounds like the same **** my wife put me through. Dude she is messing around big time. Whatver you do not touch her. Cut ties and be done with her before your ten year mark and she gets half of everything. Whatver desicions you make could hurt your military career.


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## nika (Jan 4, 2011)

Dear Feelinglost18 I was very deepely touched by your story, i feel your pain. I will be short here, please let this woman go. If you love her, let her be free. Let her be happy and you will be happy as well. So much love in this world you will find it agaib, and she will find it...let her look for what she needs, this wouls be the only right thing to do from your side! Do this for your love seik!


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

feelinglost18 said:


> Last night she packed a bag with some clothes and that's all she took with her. She then took our son to the store and brought him home when she was done. When she left, I was still crying and completely devastated that she was really starting this separation. Before she left, like she always does, she asked for a hug and said "I love you"...this is what she's done every night before she leaves. Anyone think that she still has feelings and still really loves me? Or is she just trying to be nice and feeling bad for hurting me?
> 
> Note* - She's still wearing her ring, and SAYS she's still going to wear it, because she's not looking for anyone else.
> 
> Thoughts?


You know, I may get cut off at knees here but here it goes....I am like your wife. Exception...I'd never leave or move out away from my child. With that aside, I understand the 'need' for space, to find ones self and own life even. I never had friends in school. Well...I did but none I hung out with or considered a best friend. I was even a cheerleader from 7th through senior year. Never hung out with other cheerleaders other than practices, games, compititions or camp. Never went to thier houses unless it was to do with cheerleading and vise versa. I had 2 very serious boyfriends. One from 9th thru end of summer before senior year, and one senior year til age 21. Then met my husband age 22/23. During a counseling session, therapist ask me "who's the one person/friend, that influenced your life looking back"....I choked, went silent and blank stare. Then cried like a baby. Why? Because I had not one person come to mind. None, zero! I never had a friend stay the night. I never stayed the night at a 'friends'. Looking back, I'm very sadden now by my childhood. Nothing to do with parents or anything like that. Just how I was. I was all about relationships, compasssionate ones with my boyfriends. I'm told my heart, compassion and caring comes from my mom. Guess so, but she had girlfriends and did things with them. 

Now, at 40, I miss not having friends, my own life, my own identity per say. The relationships I had, came first. My H often says he misses how I always worshiped him and put him on a pedestal. What changed? Honestly cannot answer. I can tell you tons of things I think may be reason, but not concrete specific answer.

What 'triggered' it, I would have to say facebook. I reconnected with those acquantancies, the cheerleaders and such. I seen how they all still seem to chat like they never lost contact. Some of the girls, best friends back then, still are now. They live in different states and make arrangements to get together 2x a year. They share kid stories and such. I know some things people post are not what they really seem, but I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. I'm talking true flat out friendship stuff. My H hated me on FB. Hated I enjoyed reconnecting or even just finding out what everyone has been doing, where they are etc, from my days. Yet again, and I think possibly this is our age difference, not actual 'age' but just we grew up and have lived different decades....he is content, comfortable, and is all about just us. He has said many times all he needs is us and nothing else. If we went here on out with no outside acquantencies, he truly would be happy as lark. Not me.

Not all women/men fall out of their marriage due to another man/woman. Growth happens, it's out of our control and it's not always a bad thing. I'm still trying to believe that since it is me that has grown in a different way. I love my H for many reasons. I do not love him the way an awsome wife should. I should be able to tell him he is all I need and I cannot. I too should be content with our own world per say, just us, and I am not. 

I cannot say one way or the other your wife is or is not searching for another. But I do understand and can relate if she is all about friends, experiencing the joy of each day of life as her own person without worrying about another person. However, kids should come first before going out. 

I'm sorry you feel this way. My H is same I believe. Again, it's not always about another man. We love people in many ways, especially women. I think most men, IMO, once the relationship is done, so are they. No turning back and no continuing to care. Women are not programmed that way. We can still love to an extent and care for those we part from. Not all women when wanting out of the marraige are heartless, uncaring and evil with an alterior motive. Sometimes it truly is just independence for happiness. 

Good luck to you.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

Emotional - Thanks!

It sounds like your husband and myself are EXACTLY the same..and I'm only 23. I could spend EVERY day with just my wife and son and truly be happy. I kind of understand my wife and what she's saying..she got married young and been like that for years. I have kind of hounded her about "is there another man" and swears every time there isn't. She says she just wants to be alone and not be with anyone. When I got back, she would let me massage her (neck, back, and feet) and that is the most we've been intimate. She says that the thought of us having sex or anything like that really irritates her. I don't know if this has something to do with having our son, but she has never talked to the doctor about post-partum, and refuses to. She says she is content with no intimacy with anyone. While I do ask alot of questions in different ways and get different answers sometimes, these 2 questions get me the same answer. There is no other man, and she wants intimacy with no one. I know she has a low self-esteem from the way she looks after having the baby. She has stretch marks and some tummy flab that she swears won't go away unless she has surgery. I say bull****, for the simple fact that she eats out almost EVERY day. McDonalds, Hardees, random restaurants...always eating out. I'm trying to be understanding, and also dealing with the pain she's causing me. It's getting bad. After almost 2 months of leave, my co-workers are telling me I've lost some weight. I was 140ish when I came home..in the 120's now...I'm very short so I'm still "healthy", just not where I used to be.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

I know I don't deserve what she is doing, and I deserve sooo much better, but why can't I get past her? Why do I love her so damn much? How can she do all this, say she's sorry, and carry on like it's all good? Ugh..I wish I had these answers. I just don't get how you can lose all feelings for someone the way it seems she has after 4 years of marriage and a child together. Letting it out on here does make me feel a little better..not much..but a little. I think about her all day..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Heres my $0.02

You cant get past her b/c you love her.

You love her so much b/c you see her as doing no.

She is doing all this b/c you have been replaced, but you still see her as doing no wrong.

She still has feelings for you, but the excitement of being free to do as she pleases and with whom she pleases with is funner then what you have to offer. Alls you do is cry, beg, and plead.

So man up, stop cring and show her the confident stong man she fall in love with. Stop thinking about her and start taking care of your self and your kid.

Make a promise to your self, commit to staying away from her and for a certain amount of time. Distance your self, it will be harder then being in Iraq, but do it for... say a week. No matter how many times she tries to contact you, stay away. Then see what happens.


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## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

Please help me understand. You've been married for 4 years, you have a 1 year old child, you were deployed less than 1 year? 

I've given birth to three children, the first I suffered from depression because I went from a working professional to a stay at home mom. Our second had severe colic - she would cry from 10 pm to 4 pm every night from 2 months to 5 months. Our third had colic but not nearly as severe however he was 19 months younger than the second. 

Having children is exhilarating, wondrous, amazing, and inspirational however they are demanding, draining, constantly pushing, and always testing boundaries. They are Exhausting!!! As a new mom, hormones are out of control, feelings are all over the map, life is turmoil. 

I had depression after the first, severe depression after the second and depression after the third. My first I did not medicate, my second I did because it escalated into suicidal thoughts, and the third I medicated out of fear but quit shortly due to not liking the side effects. Now I exercise, diet, and try desperately to find support where I can. My life is different but I hope you'll give your gal the benefit of out doubt and let her have some time and space. Honestly giving birth really messes with your chemistry - although I would not tell her that now! Just understand this is way more than either of you can understand or put into words and give her time. She just might come around - frankly I'd be surprised if she didn't. It is really mentally hard to cope with everything after having a baby. Again I reiterate, do not share that with her; it will only make her that much more mad! 

I would advise for now, take care of yourself and your baby, do not contact her or try to draw her in, just let her have her space and time. You have the upper hand; you have the baby! She will either miss you or both of you or she will move on, but no matter what you can rest your conscious that you did your best and gave her everything you could and you'll walk away with your child and a lifetime of love and happiness. I wish you all the best!


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## Tru2mself (Sep 3, 2010)

Read the TheLostGoodGuy post again .
and again . and again . Read "women`s infidelity I & II " I have them in PDF if you need . 
hang in there guy, I`ll pray for you .


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

Well...after New Year's...she hit me with "I want to be separated". And has made that very clear...I think. She no longer says "I love you" when we get off the phone (we have since we were together). But sometimes she'll say it after we meet up to take care of something, or when she leaves the house at night. She no longer gives me hugs at night. BUT...she'll come to our house and spend time with our son...take a nap in the bed we used to share..and put decoration stuff up in the house. Not much..just a few things. So yea..I'm confused as ****. Wants a separation..usually only talks to me when she needs something..yet still wears her ring and occasionally says "I love you". Guess I should weather the storm and hope it passes? It's been 3 months tho..and no the separation is "official". I hope she wakes up and realizes what she's done...


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

So she BARELY talks to me unless she needs something, bills, or our son. She has even stopped coming over to see HIM. She can see him all day where he is when I'm at work..but doesn't. I really don't know what's going on. Starting to wonder if she needed a break from both of us all along..if she's planning trying to get divorce stuff ready..or what's going on. So lost. Just wish she'd talk to me and tell me what the hell is going on. Really blows my mind that she doesn't really see him much anymore. Been going on for about 2 weeks now. Very odd :scratchhead:


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

The no contact is the worst...when I see my wife, she says all the right things, says she is looking forward to fixing things...says she loves me...then I won't hear from her for a week or so...won't even ask the boy to spend the night over at her place any more...

Just wish I had proof that things are getting better...silence is certainly not golden when separated!


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

I hear you on that one...you seem to be doing better than me! Mine doesn't even talk about fixing things anymore. Every time I bring it up, she says she doesn't want to talk about "us" and that's that. She wants to be separated. Point, blank, period. Ugh. All this after a year in Iraq (mind you, my second time being there). Just don't understand any of it. Everything was good before I left..just had our baby and everything. Then I leave..and come home to this. I'm getting by fine and have (possibly on accident) told her that I obviously don't need her and me and the boy are doing fine. Hate to say that if it wasn't for him..I would've ended this already. Guess she's slowly getting what she wants because I really can't stand the person she's become. I just can't let go though


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Find strength in being the best dad you can be...ignor your wife, as long as she knows how much of a hold she has on you, she is in the drivers seat...quit talking to her, ignor her and gain some of the power back!

Thank you Sir for your service...God Bless!


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

I just found out that my wife joined TWO online dating sites, with her profile saying she wants to date but nothing serious. This after swearing up and down that she doesn't want to be with ANYONE and just wants to be ALONE. ****ing bull**** *****. I can't stand this **** anymore. Might ****ing snap. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Calm down, and focus on the next step you need to take that will benifit you and your kid.

Now that you have proof that she is not the best person you thought she was, Now is the time to look at turning this around and make our self better. Start thinking about what you can do to make your self better... better for your self and better to other women that can give you what you want to be happy.

Stay confident in the fact that you can find any women that will respect you and be loyal to you.

Make a copy of this information and confront her with it and let her know you will not tolorate it, and that you want no more contactact with her.


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