# Desperately in need of Advice



## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

Hi, I am new to this forum. I have stumbled on here before just to read threads. My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years, no kids, and dated only 6 months.

After finally reaching what seems to be the beginning of the end of my marriage, I need some advice. I really don't know what to do. My Wife said she wants to separate...

Since April, we have been arguing on and off, and always over very stupid things that are not important. Most of our arguments do occur when she is under the influence. Most recently it feels that she has no patience for me and is always annoyed at me. The detail of the fight which caused my wife to say she wants to separate all started because I said "How are you feeling?", a response was given in a annoyed/angry tone of voice saying she was fine. I asked again in a different method which caused her to snap saying that I am getting angry now. Immediately, it turned into attack mode from both of us. (granted, I am sure she had a hangover from the night before and I had lack of sleep due to the fact that she came home and woke me up (2 hrs of sleep). Couldn't go back to sleep afterwards). She eventually asked me a question during our bickering session "do you get upset when I go out with my friends?" and I responded "no, I was upset that I was sleeping and you woke me up by turning on all the lights in the room and making loud noises." This all lead to an unfortunate moment where she said "she will leave" and I said "get out and also give me all the credit cards (belong to me)". I also texted her mother which I did in an angry moment. As soon as I walked outside the house, her best friend was walking towards the house asking what happened. I found that strange that she already knew something was wrong. Then her friend started to point fingers at me like she has a part in our marriage. I do realize my mistakes and I did apologize within the hour. Already stricken with lack of sleep, the entire night I stayed awake trying to figure out what caused this fight. A lot of our fights do begin as such, with a snap of a finger.

In the morning, my wife told me that she wants to separate and does not feel safe around me. I found that very strange, especially that I have never laid a hand on my wife and she knows my feelings about that. She left with her best friend, and now is refusing to talk to me without her friend being involved. 

Slight text messages back and forth and once a day comes back home to pick up more of her things (with her best friend ofcourse).

Granted, we have been arguing a lot for the past 6 months, but always manage to reconcile our differences. Things started changing though, we stopped having sex (last time was 3 and a half months ago) and recently in the past month, she also stopped changing in front of me where it felt like she didnt want me to see her naked. Also, for a while, we would not communicate, talk, or even see each other, because she would go to her best friend's place everyday. When I would try to have a calm discussion and let her know how I am feeling about these changes, her response would always be, "Stop starting an argument". 

I should also mention this because through the past few days my mind keeps getting stuck at one area. In the past, 2010/2011, my wife (under the influence and several different occasions) has said to me" that the only reason she got married was due to her immigrant status." My wife has also made other comments where the end message stated that she doesn't want to be married. In a siber state of mind, she would always tell me she loves me very much and she was just drunk. My wife got her green card thru me and recently we just filed for her to gain her US Citizenship. Now, she wants to separate. I hope my mind is wrong in this case, because if my wife is really capable of this type of thing, then I never really knew her at all. 

Or that she is just fed up, stressed out, and just needs some alone time? I don't know. She has moved in with her best friend for now but is looking for own place. When we talked, I said, I do not support this separation so will not financially support you. She has already taken half of the savings account.

I love my wife very much and always have supported her. I have always apologized when I shouldn't have, just because I know that is what will make things better. I don't know what is so different this time. It's funny, just 9 days ago, my wife had told me that throughout all the arguments, she loved me very much and will fight very hard for our marriage. Any advice....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well it's clear that your wife wants a divorce.

She goes out and parties, get drunk or under the influence of something and you are only upset because she wakes you up? Makes it sound like you don't care about her or your marriage.

It does also sound like she used you to get her legal status. Happens more often than we realize.

You don't have any choice in the matter. She's made her choice so you will need to accept it. 

All you can do now is to protect yourself. Make sure she does not have access to any more money than what she took already. Cancel any cards that she might have that are also in your name.

Keep good records of the money she took out of the joint account so that she does not try to get 50% of what she left you.

Also stay away from her. She's using the domestic voilence/abuse card. She could file false charges against you. 

TAke a look at the 180 link in my signature block below. interact with her in that manner from here on out. It will save you a lot of greif.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

I used to care a lot about her going out and coming home drunk. I would always tell her to text me so i know your safe, but that always lead to anargument so eventually i just stopped. Something strange is going on, dont know what....

She texted me this morning saying that she will always love me. Very confusing time.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like she wants to leave, but is scared of leaving her comfort zone (you) completely. If your going to make this work both of you need to see a therapist or you need to look on this site for help on communication. Usually when someone snaps at you like that there is some communication breakdown. She wants something from you and can't communicate it to you properly.

Be weary of what you say in a argument. Try to keep your cool and say what is on your mind politely and don't back down from it or apologize. A lot of relationships are ruined when in the heat of a battle someone says something that they may not have really meant or was worded wrongly. Things like that can stick in a persons mind and fester.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

Thanks for the advice...I'm tired, confused, feel betrayed, and just overwhelmed with stress. At first, she was teying to get me to see a marriage counseler, but I was against it. Eventually, I did agree but nothing came from it. When I mentioned it,she said "for counseling, you need patience" and apparently I do not have that. I made the mistake of responding to her text about always loving me with "good". Maybe I shouldn't have responded. I won't be contacting her anymore, likely, she will just walk in the home (with her friends) and pick up more of her things. I left a few of her bills on the table, letting her know that she should grab them. 

Would going to a group help with these feelings?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken84 said:


> Would going to a group help with these feelings?


It wouldn't hurt. And being able to have a few friends to talk to and get things off your chest, get fresh perspectives, is recommended as well.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> It wouldn't hurt. And being able to have a few friends to talk to and get things off your chest, get fresh perspectives, is recommended as well.


My argument happened Friday night, and Saturday morning i found out about separation. Even though, my wife wasn't home anymore, i left all day to get my mind off of things. Met with a friend and my brother and it did help a lot. Every one keeps telling me that it seems as she was after citizenship only...i find myself struggling to believe that. Granted, she has said things in the past and she wants to separate after we filed the paperwork for citizenship. I want to believe there was much more then that in our marriage. I am struggling between "was I Loved or Used?" It is very painful either way,


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I can understand that. To admit that was the case you would have to ask yourself was anything in the relationship real or just a front to get what she wanted.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I can understand that. To admit that was the case you would have to ask yourself was anything in the relationship real or just a front to get what she wanted.


We have so many pictures around our house. I am sitting in our living room right now with atleast 50 pictures on the walls. She looks genuinely happy in them with me, but I can't tell if it is real. Like all the trust I had in her as completely faded.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh I completely understand. I eventually had to take down all the pictures. I would pass one and look at it for a second and breakdown.


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## Highway run (Oct 22, 2012)

Broken I am saddened to hear your story. Maybe trying MC would work. You two have lost connection and need to be reconnected. It won't hurt things any worse to try. Godspeed to you.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

Highway run said:


> Broken I am saddened to hear your story. Maybe trying MC would work. You two have lost connection and need to be reconnected. It won't hurt things any worse to try. Godspeed to you.


Thank you for your support


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Oh I completely understand. I eventually had to take down all the pictures. I would pass one and look at it for a second and breakdown.


This stupid Hurricane has kept me in so I have been looking at all these pictures. I don't want to take them down yet, its only been 4 days. Im looking for a group and marriage counseling, but will only mention to my wife when she contacts me.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

It has been a very rough day, very emotional, and I broke down at least 5 times. I have this strong craving to drink....sitting in the dark. How do you guys get through the beginning process?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

She sound to me gold digger , do you want to be with gold digger ?


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

Its funny that you said that. She took all the gold jewelery from our safe at the house. Most of it were gifts from my family. One of the reasons she said I have issues is because I took ownership of finances, becauase I earn more then her. She knows that I dont care about who makes more money because in the long run she is going to earnmore then me. She is about to complete her PHd. Thats what I get for marrying a Psychologist.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I feel for you mate , I won't worry about the jewelry allot at this point . I would worry about my self at first , to feel better and to become a better person.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

BigMac said:


> I feel for you mate , I won't worry about the jewelry allot at this point . I would worry about my self at first , to feel better and to become a better person.


Thank you...I honestly don't care for the jewelry. I do want my wife back but I refuse to go crawling back. She made the choice to leave, I can't really do much about it. Unfortunately, I did open a bottle of wine just now. Hoping to go to bed early tonight.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

B84. Our timelines aren't dissimilar. I too had a marriage of 3 years break up as my wife finished an advanced degree.

Sometimes people just change. And they want different things and different people in their lives. It's not a referendum on you. It's an indictment on how emotionally insecure they are and how capriciously they undertook marriage. Happens often i guess.

All you can do at this point is take stock in yourself and to get on getting on. Reading and posting here can be therapeutic. 

The early days are just awful. Sorry for that. Keep yourself distracted, make some new experiences and read a bunch of self help material.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken84 said:


> It has been a very rough day, very emotional, and I broke down at least 5 times. I have this strong craving to drink....sitting in the dark. How do you guys get through the beginning process?


How do we get through the beginning of the process?

Well I seldom drink and do not smoke. But when I found out about my husband's affairs I lived on vodka and cigarettes for 2 weeks. Then one day I did not need them anymore. I guess I was going for the dopamine boost. Scary.

You need to have people around you who support you as much as you can. Post here often as people will help you through. 

Sometimes people need anti-depressants for a while so they can function until they start to heal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken84 said:


> Its funny that you said that. She took all the gold jewelery from our safe at the house. Most of it were gifts from my family. One of the reasons she said I have issues is because I took ownership of finances, becauase I earn more then her. She knows that I dont care about who makes more money because in the long run she is going to earnmore then me. She is about to complete her PHd. Thats what I get for marrying a *Psychologist*.


That explains it.. just kidding.

So why did you take control of the finances instead of working them together as a couple? What does controlling the finances mean? Does she have equal acess to the money? Or do you just give her an allowance?


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> That explains it.. just kidding.
> 
> So why did you take control of the finances instead of working them together as a couple? What does controlling the finances mean? Does she have equal acess to the money? Or do you just give her an allowance?


I do the bank budget on our account. I pay all the bills, with the exception of 2 cards that she did not give me access to. When we need money to pay additional bills, she transfers money from her paycheck to the bill paying account. All my money goes into the bill paying account. I don't take control of anything, she has access to everything, and spends money very free willingly. I don't have much say in it. My wife has always argued with me since day one that I am "controlling" when in reality I am not, its just that is her fear of being controlled. She grew up watching her father dominate the family, which is why I guess I am being punished for it. When we got into our fight last week, I admit I said the wrong thing, by saying give me the AMEX card back (AMEX=limitless card). It was heat in the moment, and I didn't mean it, and even apologized twice for everything said and done. My wife has a tendency to have things her way, always since childhood, and now it does not function that way anymore.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> B84. Our timelines aren't dissimilar. I too had a marriage of 3 years break up as my wife finished an advanced degree.
> 
> Sometimes people just change. And they want different things and different people in their lives. It's not a referendum on you. It's an indictment on how emotionally insecure they are and how capriciously they undertook marriage. Happens often i guess.
> 
> ...


Day 5 now, and its rough. I can't focus at work and just eventually just left and came home. My family and friends (not many) are talking to me and trying to help. Always feeling very emotional. My wife is not talking to me at all, so can't even figure out where we stand.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

I just don't understand how in the hell did an argument start from the question "How are you doing?"


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

Got the USPS change of address notice today. I saw it and I broke down very heavily. It is very hard to see that notice. Still haven't seen or talked to the wife. This is all very rough.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken84 said:


> I do the bank budget on our account. I pay all the bills, with the exception of 2 cards that she did not give me access to. When we need money to pay additional bills, she transfers money from her paycheck to the bill paying account. All my money goes into the bill paying account. I don't take control of anything, she has access to everything, and spends money very free willingly. I don't have much say in it. My wife has always argued with me since day one that I am "controlling" when in reality I am not, its just that is her fear of being controlled. She grew up watching her father dominate the family, which is why I guess I am being punished for it. When we got into our fight last week, I admit I said the wrong thing, by saying give me the AMEX card back (AMEX=limitless card). It was heat in the moment, and I didn't mean it, and even apologized twice for everything said and done. My wife has a tendency to have things her way, always since childhood, and now it does not function that way anymore.


Ok so she has her own money and her own spending money. So I don't think it sounds like you are controlling in the money either.

Does she get to see the money in the bill paying account and any other accounts you have? Could it be that she cannot see what you are doing, in paying bills so she feels left out?


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so she has her own money and her own spending money. So I don't think it sounds like you are controlling in the money either.
> 
> Does she get to see the money in the bill paying account and any other accounts you have? Could it be that she cannot see what you are doing, in paying bills so she feels left out?



She saw everything, I didn't hide anything from her. I used an excel sheet to budget the bank account. Any change, I would email her a copy of the budget. She had access to all the accounts whether Bank or credit cards. My wife was a student majority of our marriage life and worked part time. She hated the fact, she didn't make much money but I always told her that once you get your doctorate, you will make lots of money.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

So yesterday, my Wife finally came home but it was to get her stuff and move out. She came with 6 of her friends and practically took more then everything from our house. That was very painful, they were over here packing for over 7 hours. I got a few moments to talk with her alone and I can tell she is very sad by this but is beinging fueled by anger. Eventually, I just started helping her pack and give her packing ideas and techniques. She ran to the bathroom and broke down. I waited outside the bathroom for her and when she opened it, just gave her a big hug and whispered in her ear. Before she left (at the end), I just said, text me anytime you need to, I will be there.


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