# When will this ever stop



## Stuck11 (Jun 12, 2013)

It's now 6 month since DDay. Lots of ups and downs. He is trying very hard most of the time and most of the time things are good between us. 

It was going really well for a period but it's like I am back to square one. I get upset about little things. I take everything literally. If he is quite I wonder if he is thinking about her. 

I suddenly has this need to know if he spoke to her on special days, Valentines day, our anniversary etc. I checked up and it was just so painful again. 

Several times while he was seeing her he would "jokingly" asked my daughter if she would like to have another brother or sister. I said I can't have kids, he said if he would get a girlfriend with kids would my daughter accept them. I later found out she has two kids. Then Sunday he made a comment about a sister for my daughter. I freaked out, told him he said that when he was seeing her, stopped just short of accusing him of seeing her or someone.

There is absolutely no red flags regarding his behaviour lately. But I am so depressed, so angry, so everything, it's like I have lost the progress we made. Emotionally I feel drained. How could we have made so much progress just for me to suddenly fall apart again. Is this how it's suppose to be? If I carry on like this I will drive him away, I am driving myself crazy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Those remarks by him are to my mind abusive.

You will not drive him away, his remarks show he was in an exit affair and wanted your daughter to be mentally prepared to have step siblings.

Sorry to say this, but you still need to be vigilant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I have been going through the same thing. I tried to just deal with it on my own until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I talked to my H about how I was sinking back into depression. Having all kinds of new thoughts & questions popping in my head. It was driving me crazy. Talking to him helped me to get through it & now he notices if I start to with draw from him & will ask what's on my mind. It really helps for them to just acknowledge what you're going through. Try talking to him in a way that he sees you're just asking for help to deal with it without accusing.. That worked for me. Wishing you well.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What have you done to move through reconciliation? Are you guys in counseling?


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## jack_1970 (Jan 22, 2014)

Its takes way longer than u think . Its going to be 2 years on valentines day and trust me its still hard . There are ups and downs but he has to be patient with you and you have to be patien with yourself . He has to be complete in love with you as well . Never forget your happyness . Treat your self and dont feel guilty . And what i mean is massage shopping . Dont hold back on your happyness .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in therapy? Have you considered temporary antidepressants?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

I have not been on in a very long time, but stuck11 your post struck a cord with me...

They are not lying when they say it takes 2-5yrs (been almost 4 for me) In the beginning your going to have the roller coaster ride back and forth from hell, to some good times....and hell yeah you have every right to feel like your back on square one, he is the one that put you there.....

The biggest thing I learned thru-out all of this, no matter what, you have to heal yourself...........having a WS doing all of the right things is a very big plus, They just don't get it and either does a betrayed spouse I suppose, the person who basically just about killed you is supposed to be able to help you heal and we look to them for that???? getting your head wrapped around that idea messes with your mind.....

Once you are able to focus on yourself and find a better place mentally, the healing process will start to take place (for me anyways) The only person you need in your life to make you happy is you....

You have to heal yourself.
Do what you must to get there, counseling, see your doc. Life on the other side is so much better...with or with out your spouse.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Stuck11 said:


> How could we have made so much progress just for me to suddenly fall apart again. Is this how it's suppose to be?


That's what happens with reconciliation. The betrayal still weighs heavily on the mind of the BS.

Some BS will suppress their emotions and probably figure what they are feeling is minimal compared to Dday. Some will have a really hard time dealing with the thoughts of their spouse screwing other people.

And for your H to make those comments about getting a girlfriend? What kind of ahole is he? As if cheating isn't bad enough, he says that? 

And you are afraid of driving him away? You should be thinking about divorcing his sorry ass, because its obvious he doesn't give jack about your feelings to make comments like that. 

You asked, "When will this ever stop?".....Answer, when you leave him and find a good man.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

As others are suggesting, if he is really doing everything he can to help rebuild the marriage and help you recover from his infidelity (aside from a few careless remarks), then it sounds like this is an issue that you should be in independent counseling for to help you process through. It sounds like you are struggling mightily with forgiveness, and I say that with no judgement at all because I know that is a difficult stage to reach in this type of situation.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> As others are suggesting, if he is really doing everything he can to help rebuild the marriage and help you recover from his infidelity (aside from a few careless remarks


Careless remarks can be simple stupidity and sometimes taken the wrong way.

But a cheater who is joking about getting a girlfriend? Really? Something isn't right about him to make comments like that after being sniffed out as a cheater.

Perhaps she needs to bring that to his attention? Why someone who has been unfaithful would joke about getting a girlfriend.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

vellocet said:


> Careless remarks can be simple stupidity and sometimes taken the wrong way.
> 
> But a cheater who is joking about getting a girlfriend? Really? Something isn't right about him to make comments like that after being sniffed out as a cheater.
> 
> Perhaps she needs to bring that to his attention? Why someone who has been unfaithful would joke about getting a girlfriend.


Absolutely you're right, it's offensive and inconsiderate. With that said, the possibilities here are that he's being careless, inconsiderate, or a moron. I'm thinking it's a bit of a mix of all three, and he needs to be reminded of how hurtful and damaging remarks like that can be, which should help correct this issue pretty quickly. After all, he and the OP have surely gone through hell since the affair was discovered and the long road of healing and trust rebuilding started which is never a pleasant experience. If he is told that remarks like this in many ways send her emotionally right back to D-Day, assuming he is committed to the marriage (we've been given no reason to suspect otherwise), he'll understand quickly and likely be much more careful going forward. Lord knows that time period was miserable for him as well, and he wants to enjoy his relationship with his wife and move past the past.


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