# Messed up- how to get sexy man to pursue me



## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

I accidentally started dating...met this man at a microbrew festival in June. Was INSTANTLY attracted to him. Emailed him and asked him out 2 weeks later. He emailed me back a month later. We went out--major sparks! OUr date was all talking for 6 hours (with beer).

I KNOW I AM NOT READY for a serious relationship, but could use a fling. So I broke some rules....like talked about sexy stuff on the first date and waited around for a kiss good night. Got it!

Then I did not text or call him after that...I let him pursue me. We finally go on a 2nd date, after his kids go back to their mom's (he has week on, week off custody) and after talking on the phone for a couple of times, for 2-3 hours each. I know from previous experience that there can be a great first date and then people move too fast and the 2nd date can be a let down.

Well, for our 2nd date, we went kayaking. I broke more rules by hinting about being ready for a fling but nothing serious, we BOTH talked about our exes...after kayaking we got some beer. 
He had not made any indication that he was feeling attracted to me, so I was thinking "great. Now I am in the friend zone." But when we sat down on the patio, he patted the bench next to him for me to sit there. Sigh.... I asked, flirty "aren't you going to kiss me?" He said "No." OUCH!!! 

Of course 2 minutes later, we were making out passionately! And that is how the date ended, 3 nights ago, making out. I was very forward in many ways, I know, I know. BUt I figured he would call me by now. I think I made it too easy for him, right? So is there anything I can do to get his interest back or do I let it go? Like if he calls, should I just let it go to voicemail?
That kind of thing.... 

(again, I totally know everything i did wrong- was trying to ensure that I was clear about what I was looking for! just being honest.)


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

hey, guess no one else knows either! at least I am not alone.

my hunch-leave him be.

thanks for the views-too bad no one had any input! lol!!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Honestly, it sounds to me like he was into you, but not into what you're looking for. You made it look, at least, like all you're looking for is a sexual relationship. And that might not be what he's looking for. If that's not what he's looking for, and all your signals scream "F Me!"...well, that can be as much of a turn off as bad breath or BO. 

If I were you, I'd just leave him alone. If he's interested, he'll get in touch. And if that should happen, I'd lay off with the blatant "I want a physical relationship" stuff. #1, it'll make him go away again, and #2, you never know, it could be more than just that between you. You need to open your mind to the possibilities.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

From a mans POV, I dont know why women have this hang up about having sex too soon, if the chemistry's there, its there, no need to beat around the bush (NPI). I do understand you dont want to come off easy, but me personally, I cant really get a handle on whether I really like a girl until we hit the sack, and believe me, if its good, im coming back for more! Id say 2nd date is the latest a woman needs to wait. JMHO

BTW what did you find sexy about him? just curious:scratchhead:

oh and was he kidding when he 1st said no to a kiss?


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

Maybe he has mixed feelings about having a fling. Maybe he wants something that you are not offering. I say give it a week and if he does not call you, then call him. Ask him what he wants and tell him what you want. You may be surprised that both of you can compromise and satisfy each other. Hope all goes well.


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Thank you all very much for your responses! Here is what happened...

(FYI I am not interested in a serious relationship AT ALL. Just dating for fun and a "break" and then going back to working on life with family, friends, work, counseling, etc.)

I ended up sending sexy man a text a few days later and he replied that he had a great time but is conflicted about his ex girlfriend and didn't want to pursue anyone until he resolved that issue. I told him that I understood and appreciated his honesty and that I couldn't handle anything more than a fling at this point anyway. I also said that although I have been dating others, I have yet to meet someone as sexy or smart as he is! (I am being honest here and I am not looking for a fling with just anyone...blechh!)

So I go about my merry life, etc. and think kind that he was just letting me down easy. Luckily, I didn't feel crushed.

Well a week later, he sends me a text "Been on any hot dates lately Ms. Vertigo?" so we banter a little back and forth. He wanted to know if I was dating, I said no, and then he asked to call me.

We talk that night and he explained in more detail about why he was having issues on whether or not to get back together with his girlfriend. (I won't rehash it here) But I decided to put on my "helper" hat and actually took objective points of view to help him analyze the situation. He said they were meeting next week and that he would know more about what will happen at that time but that he keeps thinking and feeling that they shouldn't end up together...so by the end of the conversation, I told him that I wasn't planning on dating anyone new, just living life, so he can call or text me anytime. Then I wished him luck and said good night!

Hey, he never said during the 90 minutes that he DIDN'T want to see me again...in fact, he said he really enjoyed both our dates and our phone conversations.

I kinda think I will be hearing from him again...hee hee!

Oh and what made him sexy:
1)I found him attractive
2)he had manners, was polite
3)he was direct at the same time...strong statements, direct questions (nothing racist or sexual)...he wasn't trying to say stuff just to make me like him, he was being himself
4)he was funny without trying too hard
5)he was a good dad to his kids
6)he had drive to improve himself as a dad, person, his business, etc.
7)he didn't act like he knew how hot he was...and btw he isn't very tall (5'5 or 5'6) and he was bald. Gorgeous eyes, damn sexy smile, nice body, cute dimple...
8)he could converse about a wide range of topics


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Everybody loves a chase.


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

So guess who called me last night? Yep sexy man! I was confused at first so I was suspicious...but we talked for 45 minutes and long story short he asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie! "just to hang out" 

We had a great time talking, cuddling, drinking wine(but not too much). Then he asks me if I want to go upstairs...(JACKPOT!-I WANT a fling with him) and we had a lovely, passionate time! woo hoo--he said he'd like to see me again and I agreed! 

lesson: I did not call or text him and HE pursued ME! To be continued (at least 1-2 more times I hope!)


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

so what will you do if you start developing something more than just a sexual attraction to him? I have seen this where two ppl start off as "f buddies" and one has feelings but the other one doesn't. Ended badly! 

just a thought


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

good question, dblkman--I have only had an f-buddy once before and yes, it did result in me having feelings for him. But this time,
I am looking at it like "wow, that was great and if I never see him again, I am still happy" combined with " I know I am not ready for anything more than fun, so this can NEVER BE more."

as for my feelings--hey, once you have been rejected the worse you could ever imagine (H left me PREGNANT for OW and filed for D),
I think I will not be too crushed.


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Ok so now what? FIRST: I DO NOT EXPECT/WANT anything serious with this guy! It is just for fun! So keep that in mind when I share this...AND I believe he is a good guy, NOT a player. So keep that in mind.

The morning after, he texted to say "good morning sunshine" and we texted a little back and forth. I LEFT MY RING and bracelets at his house!! NOT on purpose! Well he said "you left a few items here..." and I said "yeah! I realized that when I went to put my ring on this morning!" 

I did not say "when do I get it back?" because I didn't want to be pushy and at the time I thought maybe he was going to ask me how we should exchange it.

OK BUT last week he was scheduled to talk to his exG to see if she had gone to anger management and to see if they were going to work on the relationship. (refer to previous post but in a nutshell, He told me that he didn't think there was a possibility (on his end) but I know that when you see your ex, all things go out the window.)

And today, he gets his kids for the next week.

So I haven't heard from him since last Monday, kinda think he will call me eventually, but at the same time, I WAS THE ONE who initiated contact last time I didn't hear from him after our 2nd date and he told me what was up.

So would it be terrible if I texted him tomorrow (a week since we saw each other last) and say
"Hi, sexy guy. Just wondering how things went with your ex. Also, although I had a great time last week, I don't have any expectations! I do want to get my ring back, though."

argh- as I typed that it felt wrong. Why are men so hard to communicate with?????????


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Ok so here is what I ended up doing:
I sent him a text that was "light hearted:"

"Hi, sexy guy! How are things? I do need to get my "single woman" ring back, except now it is my "get lucky" ring, lol! You can mail it to me if that's easier . "

He replies "She's ALIVE! I thought maybe I offended you somehow!"

So I say "No, I just thought you had a lot on your plate so....I don't know? How are you?"

Him" Thanks for the consideration. I have a lot on my plate this week with the kids and that looming (exG) thing. How bout you?"

(OK- I SWEAR he said he was talking to his exG last week!! not THIS week! wtf?"

me: "can we talk later tonight?"

him: "sure"

me"btw, by chat, I mean pleasurable conversation...er...well that's not what I meant! See why the phone is good?"

and we had some clever banter and I am going to talk to him tonight after 9:30.

I will ease into the conversation and say "just so you know, the reason I didn't call you last week was because I thought you were talking to your exG and I wanted to be respectful and give you some space!"

And at some point, I will say "so why didn't you just text or call ME if you thought you offended me?"

but we will just joke around and have fun, too!


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Ok so it turns out he expected to hear from me next...and when I didnt get back to him, he wondered if I was offended or something. So he didn't reach out to me because he is "new" to this and doesn't know quite how to do it. Ok...


He appreciated my intention of giving him his space to deal with his exG...said that it was thoughtful. He explained he doesn't know when he is going to talk to her next because she is supposed to contact him after completing 12 anger management classes. And that the counselors said NO CONTACT whatsoever until that is completed. Her family has reached out to him to let him know she has one to go. He thinks they may be the ones encouraging her to go, she isn't the one.

I explained I would never be open to a situation like this normally but it works for this time in my life and because I am not looking for a relationship ...and since they are free to see other people, it works.

So it's kind of weird...I do want to see him again (before he sees her OR would be willing to see him again if he breaks up with her,etc.) but not too much more after that.

Flings are supposed to be simple! He has a LOT of baggage for a simple fling. I will think about it. No matter what, I have ZERO qualms about contacting him for any reason now! Screw "the rules."


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Well I ended up being flirty via text messaging and he liked it a lot! He texted me to say "hi" last week on his own (meaning it was initiated by him). I texted to say hi when I returned from my beach trip....and heard nothing. But I decided to text to ask if he wants to get together this week so I can get a clear answer right away. A whole day goes by...no response.

It turns out he was in the mountains (he did say he was going to go) and his cell service was bad. So he texted to tell me that and to say he met with his exG and it was "hard stuff." and he "needs time to process" and doesn't want to string anyone along.

(Damn- how many times have I said all I want is fun, nothing serious? Oh well...his loss, right? lol!)

So I said I understood, it must be tough, etc. etc. and asked about getting my ring back. After texting back and forth on logistics of when and where, he makes a joke. I say "10:45" and he says "no can do...how about 10:46?" and "oh and wear that low rise black mesh bikini I bought you in Cabo. You know the one! lol" so I say 

"In that case, I better meet you in the alley! P.S. How did you know I like mesh? Ok, I'll be good!" and he says

"the alley it is! lol"

mixed signals....I will be looking good when I see him, at least! No bikini though, lol!


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I didn't read all your posts, but does he know that you are just playing with him?


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

HI Deb, YES! I have made it clear from the beginning that I want a fling...not with just any guy, but a responsible and sexy guy like himself. So there is no emotional connection there. This is just for fun...I don't plan on going on to another guy and doing the same. Next time I am out there it will be for the goal of a relationship!

So here is what happened today...the plan to meet at 10:45 fell through. He slept in! So we met after 1:00 and my hair was looking good, I was wearing a tight t-shirt and form fitting denim capris and my face was still tan from the beach last weekend! BAM.

He tells me to get into his car. I do and he starts chatting with me "How are you?" I think he wants to make sure my feelings aren't hurt....honestly, I just wanted sex with no strings attached! No joke! But I say great, had a fun time at the beach and this week has been busy but in a good way, blah blah. I tell him he looks so good!

He says "You look really good too...REALLY good, actually."

So I ask him about his trip to the mountains and he shows me a pic of the cabin where he and his kids stayed. Then he tells me how he got wasted last night at an outdoor concert. 

I was thinking 'okay, what is up with all of the chit chat?" so I said 
"well, I had a lot of fun with you and it was good to meet you, haha!" and he said "Me too! Ok Bye. Just kidding!" and he wanted to chat some more about something else. ????

So finally I said "ok, well take care of yourself! I'll see you around. I'm going to another meetup here pretty soon btw." He says "ok see you later!"

I think to myself- that man is not done with me. I bet I will see him again some time.

Then I do my stuff, come home, 2.5 hours later I get a text from him that says 
"It was really nice to see you today.  "

so I say "I felt the same!"

heh heh heh... gee, wonder how long I will have to wait this time before he calls me?


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Well well..on Saturday ( a couple days ago) I receive a text from sexy man that says "Have fun at the ___tonight. Just thinking of you, mi amiga "

Now I did tell him I was going to a meetup like I mentioned, but didn't say WHEN or even the name of the place. SO he must have looked me up on my meetup profile and found out.

The other thing is that I wonder if he was thinking I might be looking for another man and wanted me to keep him in my thoughts! You think?

I replied "Hola amigo. Yes, I am looking forward to going after being a hard workin' woman all week. I've had thoughts of you, too! "

and haven't heard anything. arghh! Am I supposed to wait? I am so impatient. I really am going to be interested in looking for other men here pretty soon in a couple of weeks but I am a teacher and this is a really hectic time of the year.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

vertigo, I love being a fly on the wall in the dating world! Your story is so romantic, I can just feel the desire you have for him. Thank you for sharing. It has been decades since I got to play like you. Have fun, girl.

Oh, and I wonder if you guys use condoms or did the lab workup before you got together. I did the entire STD lab workup last week, because I considered getting together with another woman (my husband was encouraging it), but I did change my mind. She had her lab workup done also. She just moved from FL, moved in professional circles, and all the guys she dated insisted on exchanging lab reports before they would sleep with her.


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## Sademae (Nov 12, 2014)

Take it slow. Don't go too hard, even after he's hit it. Men still love to chase and find the woman who lets them chase a little more sexier and desirable, I think.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Sademae said:


> Take it slow. Don't go too hard, even after he's hit it. Men still love to chase and find the woman who lets them chase a little more sexier and desirable, I think.


Zombie thread


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i wonder how things turned out.............


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

lol get your ring and stuff and find a different FWB. You like him, it's clear. You are setting yourself up to be hurt imho.

I wuld not be so against the possability of finding a relationship either, you could pass up on truely finding the one you were meant to be with. Don't look at your relationship as a failure, use it as a learning experience and make sure the next guy has all the qualities you seek. You may be happy alone, but if you find the right man, you could be even happier.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread is from 2010


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wonder if Vertigo married him?


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