# Am i a jerk?



## Crusader4 (Jul 16, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for 16 years. She is 8 years older than me (I'm 37 and she's 45) and we have two kids plus I adopted her daughter from a previous marriage who is an adult now. 

She always placed her first child above the other two and paid 100% of her college tuition, leaving nothing for the other two kids. The oldest child caused a great deal of grief in our marriage from the time she rteached about 13 years old. The oldest has no integrity and has bounced from one relationship to another, contracting an STD and bearing a child out of wedlock. She still can do no wrong and is not welcome in our home by me. We can't offer her anything anymore, and I essentially cut her off from any support from us when I came home and so she chose not to come around anymore so I essentially severed all ties with her. 

My wife has always protected her oldest along the way, placing us in great financial difficulty over the years as a result (behind my back), resulting in her filing bankruptcy about a year and a half ago shortly after I returned from Iraq. She's in default on the school loan for her daughter and it is just a matter of time before they start a garnishment order against her and then we'll lose what is left that I have worked to try and maintain as I rely on her income to help us to get by.

I refinanced all of the debt that was in both of our names to ensure that certain necessities weren't lost and I am reliant upon her income (since she is essentially debt free now except the school loan) to maintain what we have. I sold almost everything that we could spare when I came home from Iraq to try and get us above water (much to her resentment). We are meaking by now, just barely, but we're okay with both of our incomes, (unless the garnishment order occurs which I am sure it will eventually).

If she walked away today, she would have her income each month free and clear leaving me with ALL of the debt as it is ALL in my name alone.

I just can't let the past go. When I look at her I see lies and deceit over the past 16 years. I try and teach my children the proper values to succeed in life (failing miserably on the oldest as their was to much neagtive interference from her mother), but we just do NOT have anything in common except our two children. I can still talk to her, but I think this is because we have been a part of each others lives for the past 16 years.

I am NOT attracted to her in the least and we have "sex" only when I essentially get the urge to do so rarely, seeking a "release" rather than going out and engaging in infidelity. Afterwards I always resent having done this as I am just not attracted to her nor do I love her in any way other than as the mother of my children. She has not initiated sex for the past several years but maybe 3-4 times anyways before we started sleeping in sparate rooms. We are either cordial or just do not speak to each other unless it has to do with the kids and sleep in different bedrooms 6-7 days out of the week.

I come from a divorced family and it was a bitter, bitter divorce. I do not want that for my kids and also do not want to lose what little we have left as I have never renigged on a loan in my life and would have to do so and more than likely file bankruptcy myself if we did divorce (which I cannot do due to my principles).

She has zero interests that I have and yet still tries to convince me that we do have common interests. I asked her one time to cite some common interests and she got angry and couldn't do it (outside of the kids).

Counseling hasn't worked (been numerous times) and she's suffered two nervous breakdowns since I have returned from deployment, being hospitalized both times and costing her two jobs during that time.

I know this isn't normal, but we exist as room mates essentially. I NEED to be here for my kids and do NOT want to leave them again.

Their is so much more, but I couldn't even begin to recap the whole 16 years worth of baggage.

So my question is this; AM I A JERK? 

Any advice?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Crusader4 said:


> So my question is this; AM I A JERK?
> 
> Any advice?


No, you don't sound like a jerk. You sound like you've built a lot of resentment towards your wife over the years because you didn't agree with her parenting/spending and those decisions affect both of you, so you probably felt slighted.

The question is what to do now? It doesn't sound like a good way to live and if divorce is not an option, I would lean toward trying to make peace with your wife with her past actions that you didn't agree with and see if you can work more as partners going forward. If you can get to the point where you communicate and work as a team, at minimum life will be easier for you both and you never know, the spark may come back.


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