# Trial Seperation



## Jay_ (Jan 13, 2010)

Hi,
I'm new to the site via a google of advice on the above situation. My wife and I have been seperated under a "trial" for just over three months. The time away, for me, has really given me time to consider all the problems that caused the seperation and realise that there were issues but the only thing I now want is to get back together and try and work things out. Problem is I'm not sure she feels the same and am told more time and space is required. We're meeting next week due to pressure from me to discuss things but I am concerned I may be pushing her into a corner but all I am asking for is if we're in a position to start dating again and try and work things out or if her mind is made up and we can start planning things either way. I feel partly selfish by trying to set a date but on the other hand have been ill for the last few months and unable to eat, sleep and emotionally a wreck at work..

Advice welcome from anyone who's been in a similar situation,
Thanks,


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I "agreed" to a separation too. I've been fortunate in that when I've given her space, she tends to reach out - so the separation is working as best as it can.

I think your request is totally reasonable.

Try to make it playful at first though. Ask her on a date and try to have fun this time. No point in asking when she's coming back if you can't even enjoy each other's company, right?

Our counselor told us to try to date - but keep it kind of brief. End the dates early so they are more likely to be good, positive experiences that will make us miss each other.

At first more time together meant more arguing. That's starting to improve after about 45 days.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Jay I really feel for you because I understand exactly how you are feeling. I agree though that maybe when you see her next week you shouldnt make it a conversation about the relationship, and instead just take her out on a date, talk about what you have been up to (without sounding needy or pushy) and then after the date drop her home. Give her a few days to think about the positive experience (hopefully) and then contact her again and ask to actually talk about things. I know how much you just want to talk and understand what she is thinking and what she wants etc but pressuring her to talk is only going to make you feel 10x worse - TRUST ME!! 
Have you suggested seeing a marriage counsellor? 
Are there kids involved?


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## Jay_ (Jan 13, 2010)

Hi to both,

Thank you for your replies - some useful advice.

Sienna, there are two young children, I am seeing them regularly at my rented home so they are relatively okay at the moment although both say they miss Daddy. It is confusing for them.

I may have already set next week up to be a cards on the table type conversation. This is purely on the basis that I have been asking her to meet up since November. I'm not expecting a reconciliation but more a where do we go next type conversation. I do have an inkling from snippets I have heard from her Facebook that she has already made her mind up.

I just feel very confused at the moment


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi Jay, 
Your plan sounds like a reasonable one, keep an eye on the kids to keep making sure they are alright, you can't control what she decides but you can get some idea as to what her intention is. 
Keep yourself busy with things you like to do and work out it's a great stress reliever
Take one day at a time and don't expect her to think like you do
good luck and keep us posted and vent here if you have to


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## Jay_ (Jan 13, 2010)

Thank's Jessi..

I'm going to book a table at a nice restaurant and see how we go. Kids seem to be okay, I have them every other weekend but my eldest son stays more regularly as we're really close..

I'll be sure to come on here with my bottle of JD to hand if things don't go well next week 

I've joined a gym and lost nearly two stone, going doctors on Monday to see if they can help with sleep so hope to get my life back on track one way or another.

Best wishes, J


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Definitely book the nice restaurant and take things slow. Often when we have expectations of someone, we end up pushing them away.

Do you expect this to be a do or die chat? If she hasn't made up her mind (which is possible, isn't it, despite what FB says?) are you going to throw your hands up? 

Think about the issues that caused the break up. Have things changed significantly for the better on your end? Getting back together to work on it may not be what she's looking for. She may be expecting you to have "worked on it" on your own, know what I mean? Try to have some positive changes and success stories to talk about before you push the answer to your question.

Your intention of getting back together is a great one! She should feel loved and valued that you are so eager to be with her!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm rather a newer poster here, but I have a LOT of experience with marriage and infidelity, and I have a unique thought for you. 

Often one spouse will say they want to separate and the loyal spouse didn't see it coming and responds with some degree of panic. Very typically, the loyal spouse wants their spouse to "have a relationship talk" with them and they long to hear that there's some hope. Yet the separating spouse feels pressured, and very often this pressure to talk and give hope does just the opposite: the separating spouse says, "See this is why I want to get away from you!"

Here's why. Whatever issues s/he uses as his or her justification for separating, SOMETHING has occurred that has caused resentment. Think of the love in your marriage as a fire: there are things that build the fire and make it burn brighter, and there are things that extinguish the fire and put it out. Well, for the separating spouse, there were enough extinguishing actions that they said, "ENOUGH! I'm putting up a wall around this so the fire isn't put out altogether!" or maybe the fire has been put out! 

Soooo...whilst many other posters here (and you) might focus on the things that build love, that's not going to cut it in your separated spouse's mind. Too many extinguishers have built up. If you REALLY want to pull your marriage back from the brink of death, you can do it but it won't be easy. 

To really win your spouse back, I would suggest NOT doing the hearts and flowers, don't ask them when or if they'll come back, don't beg and plead, and don't try to be romantic. That's adding kindling onto a put out fire and all it does is smother it. If you want to save your marriage, you can tell your spouse that you would like to save it and you're interested in trying again, but that you won't be pressuring them, you'll be looking at yourself and learning about what you did wrong. 

Yep, that's right. Now, I'm not putting the blame on you...I'm just suggesting that you examine your marriage, be honest with yourself, ask your spouse to tell you what you did to kill the fire, and listen. Don't defend or minimize what they say because if they are willing to tell you, you will have some GREAT clues as to what did the harm. Also I'm not saying that their view is 100% accurate or true or clear or wise--just that it might point you in the right direction. 

Armed with that knowledge, either by your separated spouse telling you or by you examining your marriage and being honest with yourself where things went wrong, begin to improve yourself. Don't concentrate on being romantic--concentrate on stopping the things that built that big old wall of resentment. In other words, stop being the cause of your spouse's pain! Once that pain stops they might warily give you a chance and drop the wall about halfway, and then you can do a little romantic stuff...adding just a little bit of kindling to start that blaze. 

See if a fire is about to go out, and someone is dripping water on it, do you add a big old log? Nope. FIRST you eliminating the dripping water! Then you add a little kindling so the fire grows. As the flame gets bigger, you can add the bigger log (the smooshy romantic stuff). 

If you'd like to talk to me directly you can PM me for an email or leave me a message on Twitter or Facebook or even on the web! Just look for my name!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't talk about the relationship with her - it just never seems to work out that way. We demand answers and they either retreat or they don't even have the answers themselves. Just try to have a nice, fun date and make it something she'll want to do again with you soon.

Sounds a little like a commercial in the post above me, but I think AffairCare is giving some pretty solid advice.


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## Jay_ (Jan 13, 2010)

We're just going out for a drink to a local bar, she didn't want to eat out as she's on a diet..

Thank's for all your advice, hopefully we'll have a good discussion, if not then at least I know how she really feels..

Been getting on okay in our limited communications the last few days so feel relatively positive at the moment so am certainly going into it open minded..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I get the impression that she is not looking forward to this 'date'. Am I inferring too much?

Is there even a remote possibility that she is emotionally or physically involved with someone else?

If she is resistant, you _won't_ really know how she feels. If anything you quite possibly will walk away from the conversation feeling far worse, or more confused than you felt prior to having it.

I wish you luck, keep us posted.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi Jay

Have you met with your wife yet to have a chat?
Would love to know how it went if you did...


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I'd like to know too!! Reconciliation is a hard road, but it's nice to see a man who's taking action about it.

What gave you the impression that she wasn't looking forward to it Deejo? She sounds confused and that alone might make her hesitant to any situation where she faces confrontation.

Hope Jay drops by to let us know.


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## Jay_ (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm sad to say it's all over.. Started "meet" all about non relationship but wife said she loves me but isn't in love with me.. I gave lots of options about how we can spend some time together without kids but she doesn't want to. Ended up with her saying it's over so we're unfortunately going to split. I am absolutely devastated as I really am in love with her but she's not so have to accept her decision.. Hate her at moment but hope we can be friends again when I get over it. Appreciate that I have assisted the break-up but did everything I could to redeem the relationship..
Tough times ahead...


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Thats pretty harsh by the sounds of it...
Was she not prepared to talk any more at all? Not even through counselling? 
What has been decided are you going to stay seperated, or is it going straight to divorce? 
Either way - keep your head up. I know there are going to be some really tough times ahead and you are going to have really bad days, some ok days and other days may even be good. 
Just do things that make you happy now...see you friends, spend time with your kids, maybe even find yourself a new hobby. Do anything to distract yourself. And when you dont feel like getting out of bed to do any of it, make yourself! You will feell allot better after.
You cant make someone love you or want to work on a relationship - the only person you can change and control is YOU. So stay in control of you
My thoughts are with you


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## Jay_ (Jan 13, 2010)

Thank's Sienna, I'm sure it gets easier.. I'm in bits tonight (in UK).. I think her mind was made up from the start but I tried to follow your advice and steer it away from relationship talk.. We had to talk about it though and she said she was still confused. I offered her a night out/weekend away and she didn't want to know. All I asked was that she could look me in the eyes and tell me it was over which sadly at the end of the night she did


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