# Like physical affection but not sex.



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Are there any ladies here who could be satisfied with sex once every few weeks, but would enjoy other physical things on a nightly basis like cuddling on the couch, foot rubs, playing with your hair, back massage, etc. I?m just wondering how this works. How could enjoying these things with a smile not lead to wanting sex more often? 

I was talking with a friend recently who had this experience, and it rang a bell with me when I was married. I never understood it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I don't understand being a women in a relationship and not wanting your male mate to desire and want to have sex with you. I mean I would be terrified, because if it gets to the point where he gives up he is probably going to eventually give up on the marriage. I think the women who don't take this aspect of the marriage seriously really don't understand men's sexuality and it's connection to love. The both go hand in hand. (no comments). I guess some women don't care and some know but are so angry at the guy they don't care.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No, I would not be happy with that arrangement. I love all those things IN ADDITION to a healthy, robust sex life. I would be miserable and profoundly sexually frustrated.

Sex is near the very top of my list in terms of importance in a relationship.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would be fine with once a month.. But your right, some affection does turn into sex mostly so maybe if I had a regular relationship, we would be fine with twice a week. 

I'm in a sexless marriage but I remember back in the day, the more we had it, the more I wanted it and I guess that turned him off. :surprise:


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I was just wondering if anyone could understand how a woman could enjoy the frequent physical affection, but it rarely lead to sex. If someone likes fingers through their hair, foot rubs, back massages, and cuddling, surely they don?t find their partner repulsive. I could understand more if the woman seemed uninterested in any physical contact.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I want it all..... I have it all.

The situation you describe in the OP would not satisfy me.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

southbound said:


> I was just wondering if anyone could understand how a woman could enjoy the frequent physical affection, but it rarely lead to sex. If someone likes fingers through their hair, foot rubs, back massages, and cuddling, surely they don?t find their partner repulsive. I could understand more if the woman seemed uninterested in any physical contact.


Control is a terrible thing to waste.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife is exactly like this. I believe that to her physical affection and "sex" are two different, almost unrelated things. She doesn't find physical affection to be arousing, she finds it to be comforting and pleasant in a different way. 

Sadly to me physical affection and sex are just part of same spectrum of activities, so we are badly incompatible in this.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I think the only thing I would like out of that besides the sex is the massaging. I like my personal space personal. Granted, I think I skew off center from typical womanly desires. Talk to me intimately vs being all up in.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

southbound said:


> Are there any ladies here who could be satisfied with sex once every few weeks, but would enjoy other physical things on a nightly basis like cuddling on the couch, foot rubs, playing with your hair, back massage, etc. I?m just wondering how this works. How could enjoying these things with a smile not lead to wanting sex more often?


Cuddling, foot rubs, back massages and having ones hair played with, in themselves and collectively aren't particularly sexually stimulating. It is a fools errand to believe that doing such things, will generate sexual desire.

If I want a woman to desire more massages, I will give her a massage.

If I want a woman to desire more sex, I will have sex with her.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Personal said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> > Are there any ladies here who could be satisfied with sex once every few weeks, but would enjoy other physical things on a nightly basis like cuddling on the couch, foot rubs, playing with your hair, back massage, etc. I?m just wondering how this works. How could enjoying these things with a smile not lead to wanting sex more often?
> ...


I?m sure everyone is different. I think physical touch would lead to sexual desire for some people. I?m not saying every time, but sometimes for sure.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Intimacy is a multifaceted emotion/bond/connection. It is made up of many elements of which sex is just one. Cuddling, massages, shows of affection, conversation, laughter, etc.... are also ways of experiencing intimacy. Some people need just sex to feel intimacy. Others need just cuddling. But for the majority of us, it's a combination of many elements. 

I, for one, would not be happy in a relationship with little to no sex. It is not the only thing I need but it sure goes a long way to helping me feel connected to my husband.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

southbound said:


> I?m sure everyone is different. I think physical touch would lead to sexual desire for some people. I?m not saying every time, but sometimes for sure.


Yet it didn't work for you and it doesn't work for your friend, because the touch you describe isn't sexually exciting.

It's the same flavour of nonsense that finds some men thinking that doing chores or buying presents, will get them into a woman's pants.

When I want a woman to think about sex, I will tell her what I am going to do to her. Or I will remind her of that time where and when, yesterday, last week or whenever. Or I will look at her in that particular way through a crowd or across the room. Or I will...

When I want a woman to desire sex through touch, I won't touch her in ways that relax her and make her desire sleep or whiling away the day. Which is exactly what massages and cuddling affords you.

When I want to encourage sexual desire and arousal in a woman through touch, I will touch them with sexual desire in arousing ways. Lightly dragging some fingers up the nape of the neck from behind amongst a myriad of other potential things, before walking away is a great start to such touch.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I know a woman who would like that arrangement.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I like all that but if it didn't lead to me getting some, don't waste my time. 

I have a high sex drive, and all that would end in sex each time.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Lostme said:


> I like all that but if it didn't lead to me getting some, don't waste my time.
> 
> 
> 
> I have a high sex drive, and all that would end in sex each time.




What if your wife felt loved via nonsexual physical affection?

What if she said, Well, sex is fine, but if all that effort doesn’t lead to me getting some cuddling / hand holding / quality time, don’t waste my time?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that there is an important difference between sometimes wanting non-sexual cuddling, and always wanting non-sexual cuddling.

I'm fine with cuddling sometimes being just quiet, comfortable romantic, no sexual arousal. I'm not happy if cuddling never leads to sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I was just wondering if anyone could understand how a woman could enjoy the frequent physical affection, but it rarely lead to sex. If someone likes fingers through their hair, foot rubs, back massages, and cuddling, surely they don?t find their partner repulsive. I could understand more if the woman seemed uninterested in any physical contact.


Back in the day I was *somewhat* like this... meaning I could go maybe a week (I wouldn't say less than this)...and not find myself horny but still love love love and want his hands through my hair, and cuddling... I am not even sure how to explain this other than I must have had other things on my mind ... or was really into the movie we were watching...his fingers through my hair was always while watching movies together.. 

Though if the movie had a "Hot" scene, this always turned me on and I'd initiate , wanting to jump him.. Once I came into my insatiable drive 8 yrs ago.... It's like I can look back at the former me and not understand what was wrong with me ! ...as even then , I always loved sex...once I get going....he better not stop... or I would be angry - frustrated, when that feeling comes over you ....there was nothing in life that is more pleasurable, a greater high... I felt THAT then too...which is still how I feel today....yet I just wasn't as intuned to it or found myself always thinking about it or NEEDING it physically ...until something turned me on, or got me worked up... 

Anytime he continued to touch me...he got me going... though he wasn't always as persistence when he was wanting it.. or we would have had more sex back in the day.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I'm fine with cuddling sometimes being just quiet, comfortable romantic, no sexual arousal. I'm not happy if cuddling never leads to sex.


Cuddling in itself isn't sexual, so you should expect it to not lead to sex.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Back in the day I was *somewhat* like this... meaning I could go maybe a week (I wouldn't say less than this)...and not find myself horny but still love love love and want his hands through my hair, and cuddling... I am not even sure how to explain this other than I must have had other things on my mind ... or was really into the movie we were watching...his fingers through my hair was always while watching movies together..
> 
> Though if the movie had a "Hot" scene, this always turned me on and I'd initiate , wanting to jump him..


None of that is a surprise since the hot scene was sexually titillating and made you think sexually. While the other though pleasant and recommended, was not in itself sexually stimulating.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

My wife likes affection that isn't leading to sex. Luckily for her I'm very affectionate. Lots of snuggling and cuddling and massages. Lots of light spanking on her butt when I pass her by, hugs, kisses, holding hands and touching. In bed she wants our feet to touch and wants to spoon. She wants all the affection but not necessarily sex. 
If I get too close to erogenous areas, a boob squeeze or my hand on her thigh moves up too close, or my hand on her butt moves too close to her crevice, or butt squeeze she will react to move my hand away usually. It's not easy for me to not be turned on by so much affection and want sex, so I've learned her body and know how to touch her without touching exogenous areas to get her aroused. Running fingers in her hair slowly, touching her neck, the back of her thigh just above the knee and her mid lower back, if gently caressed along with kisses and cuddling get her to initiate every time. Much better response now than when I was younger and would get in bed with a hard on and just poke her butt to let her know I was horny! That didn't make her horny at all, go figure. 

I give my wife a massage very Monday night, it's up to her if we have sex after. She told me she loves the massages but didn't like that I'd be sticking my hard on against her butt the whole time then cutting the massage short because I wanted sex.she couldn't relax that way. So I agreed to one night a week I'll massage her without expecting sex. In turn I get a full BJ one night per week. I know where to touch her to get her hot and bothered so we end up having sex 3/4 of the time after the massage and she's really relaxed and we both really enjoy it. I say do what works for you both. If she likes affection that doesn't lead to sex then do it, figure her out.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

veganmermaid said:


> What if your wife felt loved via nonsexual physical affection?
> 
> What if she said, Well, sex is fine, but if all that effort doesn’t lead to me getting some cuddling / hand holding / quality time, don’t waste my time?


This seems perfectly legit to me. It would be under the general principle of "If I'm generous, giving you what you want, why are you not giving me back what I want?" It could apply to affection (sexual and non-sexual), quality time, housework, financial support, emotional support...


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> This seems perfectly legit to me. It would be under the general principle of "If I'm generous, giving you what you want, why are you not giving me back what I want?" It could apply to affection (sexual and non-sexual), quality time, housework, financial support, emotional support...




I agree. I think what we often see / hear, though, culturally / socially, is that somehow the need for sex trumps all other needs, and it doesn’t matter how many of your needs are going unmet — you’d better put out for your husband or he’ll find someone who will.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

If I show interest in it, he doesn't want it. He has low T, so it's very rare he has ever wanted it but yet he enjoy back rubs. 25 years married and I haven't had one good sexual encounter with him. It makes it hard to cope but we get along very well in every other aspect.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

In our marriage my wife is like this now, wasn't always, loves cuddling, foot rubs, holding hands, other things that show intimacy, but sex is a struggle. I can get it frequently if I want it, but it's along the lines of duty sex so I would rather not bother with it. I used to take it, but recently stopped.

I tend to think in these situations you're good enough to be the emotional support for your wife, but not worthy of her best sexual effort for one reason or another.


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