# Trying to figure out what will hurt him more.



## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

I understand I will be receiving some judgemental replies to this post, but I'm risking the negativity in hopes that there is a sympathetic person out there who might know what resources are available to me for my particular problem. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible while being completely honest about my self. I'm a cheater. I have cheated on every boyfriend I've had. I have no excuses for what I've done. 10 years ago, I met the first and only man I've ever loved out side of my family. The love I feel for him is indescribable. He has his issues, but don't we all? When I first realized I was in love with him, I was worried about the "once a cheater always a cheater" addage pertaining to me. But then I realized that there was no way possible I would ever hurt him like that. I was absolutely positive I would never cheat on him. I did a great job for the first 8 years. We got married after being together for 4 years and I've never been happier. Two, almost three years ago, I ran into an old friend of mine. The amount of attention this man showed me just swept me away and I knew from my past experiences what was going to happen. At the time it didn't bother me one bit knowing that I was possibly going to cheat on my husband, but there was a part of me that was screaming at me to stop, to realize what I was doing and how badly I was about to hurt him. I still didn't stop. I didn't sleep with the other man but it was close enough. But whether it's just a kiss or fullblown sex, a betrayal is a betrayal, and I betrayed my husband in the worst way possible. Then after about a month of secretly meeting this other man, something happened to me that had never happened before. I started to feel guilty for cheating. I broke off all contact with the other man and told my husband the truth. It was one of the worst days of my life. The look on his face was horrible to look at. It killed a piece of me knowing what I had done to him. The guilt was astronomical. I hated myself for a very long time. How could I hurt someone I loved so badly? What kind of a person does that make me? I ended up in therapy and on anti-depressants. But my husband suffered in silence. He forgave me immediately because I had forgiven him for cheating on me earlier in our relationship. We went to Marriage counseling and it really helped. He never got any personal professional help because he said he didn't need it. I begged and begged him to get help, but he refused. He bottled it up. After all the help I was getting, I was finally able to start forgiving myself, and I knew, absolutely KNEW that I would never ever do anything to put that look back on his face. Eventually, our relationship stabalized again and we began to be happy again. We even had another child. Then, last year I got a temporary job at a halloween store. I didn't have any days off because we really needed the money and they were only scheduling me 4 hours a day. My husband totally flipped out. He became very suspicious of me and and finally let out of his pent up anger and pain. It was horrible. But the worst thing was I knew I deserved it. I still hated myself enough to just take it. He called me terrible things and we fought every day all day. Eventually I'd had enough. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I behaved my self very well at that job. I'd been behaving myself for a long time and I started to get angry with him. A person can only take so much abuse (whether they feel it's deserved or not) before they snap. I snapped. I told him what he was doing to me was wrong and that he really needed to seek some serious help to cope with my infidelity. At first he kept telling me he didn't need it until I told him I couldn't live this way anymore, and if he didn't at least try that I would leave him. That really woke him up. He started to finally get help and he got so much better. But again, it felt like he was bottling things up again to keep from getting angry and forcing me to make that ultimate decision. That's where we were at when I cheated on him again. The situation was completely absurd. I had gotten another job and one of my fellow employees started showing an interest in me. I wasn't interested in him at all except as a friend. He ended up losing his job there, but he continued to visit although I had asked him not to. One day, he showed up on my lunch break. I don't know how it happened, but I was talking to him about my troubles at home and he just sat and listened to everything and basically let me cry on his shoulder. Then out of nowhere, I kissed him. I didn't even want to, but I did. I called my husband on my last break that day and told him what had happened. He was understandably upset, but he said with it being only a kiss, it wasn't a big deal. It was to me. After everything we had gone through in the last almost three years, I was still willing to betray his trust. We had an appointment with our marriage counselor the next day and he encouraged me to talk to him about what had happened. So, I did. He mentioned that I might have a love addiction. I giggled a little at first because I'd never heard of that before and I seriously thought he was joking. But he was serious. I told him how confused I was about what I had done, about how it was possible for me to hurt my husband again. I realized something about myself. There is something seriously wrong with me. If it's not love addiction, then it has to be something else. Healthy people don't act this way. I told my husband about my feelings and we agreed on a month long trial separation for 2 reasons. For him to really think about his desire to stay with me and support me while I got help, and for me to try and decide if I was selfish enough to stay with him while I got help, knowing full well that I'll probably cheat again. He's already decided he wants to stay by my side and support me, but I don't think he really understands the implications of his decision. I've been totally honest with him about my feelings and about the potential of me cheating again and he still wants to try. He trusts me more that I trust myself, and that's not healthy for him. So, my question is this: either way, I'm going to end up hurting him, but what will hurt worse? A divorce so I can protect him from another betrayal, or stay with him knowing I'm probably going to hurt him again? I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to hurt him anymore. I want to give him a chance to find someone who's mentally healthier than I am. I love him enough to do that for him. But what he wants is to risk the pain and stay with me. I really need some advice, if anyone can possibly help, I would be very appreciative.


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## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

Thank you for your advice. Sorry about not using paragraphs, I kinda got on a roll


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ShoopidyBoop said:


> Divorce.
> 
> Find somebody who is interested in an open relationship.
> 
> Paragraphs.


Ditto.

If you "know" you`re going to cheat on him then leave him.

Let him find someone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe you just aren't a monogamous person.

If you decide to stay -- make sure he is ok knowing you are going to (from your own post) cheat and cheat and cheat again. 

Otherwise, divorce and seek out open relationships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ShoopidyBoop said:


> Paragraphs.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess the question is: do you really want to stop?

You make it seem like you have no control over yourself, and then you "chuckle" when someone says you might have a love addiction.

Obviously you have no idea what infidelity is about, and the harm it does to the betrayed spouse.


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## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

I appreciate all the advice. Either way I go, I will be seeking help for my problems. Does anyone know how to get in contact with a specialist that can help with my particular issue?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Btw, I'm confused, so you cheated on him once, he was angry, you said he was verbally abusive etc. when he found out. So you cheat on him again??? and he just takes it???

doesn't make sense.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

working_together said:


> Obviously you have no idea what infidelity is about, and the harm it does to the betrayed spouse.


Nobody can know unless they've been cheated on. And the OP needs some serious help. At least she's aware that she's got a problem but just doesn't know how to deal with it.


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## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

Yes, I do want to stop. I only giggled because I though he was making it up, but I have accepted that that might be my problem.


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## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Nobody can know unless they've been cheated on. And the OP needs some serious help. At least she's aware that she's got a problem but just doesn't know how to deal with it.


Thank you for understanding


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

It's either divorce or stop cheating. If you can't stop cheating....guess what's left?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

typeosweetie said:


> I appreciate all the advice. Either way I go, I will be seeking help for my problems. Does anyone know how to get in contact with a specialist that can help with my particular issue?


A "specialist" can coach you through things, but it's up to you to stopping poor behaviors. Free will and all.



typeosweetie said:


> Yes, I do want to stop.


No you don't. Not if you keep sayin git's something you are going to do over and over again..

Also that line you wrote about:

_I don't know how it happened, but I was talking to him about my troubles at home and he just sat and listened to everything and basically let me cry on his shoulder. Then out of nowhere, I kissed him. I didn't even want to, but I did._

 Um, sure, ok... You had NO idea how it happened... and "out of nowhere" you kissed him and then claim "I didn't even want to, but I did."

Three points of reference there where you have ZERO accountability for your actions. You may want to start with owning your sh!t. Then work from there. Nobody makes you do anything. Nothing you WILLFULLY and intentionally chose to do "happened out of nowhere" and then later claiming you "don't know how it happened" is *ridiculous. *

To answer your thread question:

*Trying to figure out what will hurt him more. *

Ask your husband directly what will hurt him more. Then go from there.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Start with a certified Sex Addiction therapist. Even if you aren't an actual sex addict you may be a love addict.

Sex Addiction Therapists, Certified Sex Addiction Therapists, Sex Addict Therapists


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

typeosweetie said:


> Yes, I do want to stop. I only giggled because I though he was making it up, but I have accepted that that might be my problem.


I read a similar story on another website where the wife basically cheated on her husband for over 20 years. With her family she was the model wife and mother but she periodically had sex with other men. Eventually her husband found out. Last I heard she was really trying to stay faithful but the husband didn't think she could. He had decided to stay with her even if she strayed but he wasn't sure how or if he could handle it.

I don't know what you are going to do but I can tell you that this husband was mentally torn apart by this situation and it was affecting the children as well. If you believe you will cheat again I think you both should split up while you work out your issues. You can separate or divorce but I think you won't make as much progress on your issues if you're always worried about your husband's reactions and state of mind. You need to devote 100% of your mental resources to your therapy.


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## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> A "specialist" can coach you through things, but it's up to you to stopping poor behaviors. Free will and all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're absolutely right. Thank you for your honesty and not beating around the bush. I appreciate your directness.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I appreciate your receptiveness to hear me out & not lash out.

You'd be surprised at the things we hear from people who come on to post who don't like what we tell them.


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## typeosweetie (Jan 18, 2012)

There is no point in asking for advice if you're going to get pi$$ed about hearing the truth about yourself.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

From what you say you've come to an acceptance that you'll surely cheat again without putting any real effort into finding the resources you need to help you possibly change your ways.He's willing,but he's really not worth the hard work you may have to do on yourself.

So let him go and you'll have a quick fix for your problem and he'll maybe someday find someone to love again.

Hope for your sake you realize eventually that people change all the time and that you can be a lot more than "once a cheater,always a cheater" if you really want to try.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

typeosweetie said:


> There is no point in asking for advice if you're going to get pi$$ed about hearing the truth about yourself.


Word up.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Sounds to me like you are polyamorous. Doesn't mean you are a bad person, it is just the way you are wired. At least you have been honest with hubby about your transgressions.

Let him go and find a monogamous woman to share his life with. 

Find someone who is not adverse to an open relationship.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

working_together said:


> I guess the question is: do you really want to stop?


I don't believe cheaters, or someone who wants to cheat, ever WANT to stop. But some just do out of fear of what they will lose.

But they still WANT to get strange.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

to cheat or not is a choice you make as an adult.

If you cannot trust yourself to make choices then you should commit yourself.

Obviously you're not going to do that.

But more honestly- you are choosing to cheat. You are giving yourself permission to do it.

So when you say you don't want to - you are lying to him, us, and yourself.

So now that we know why you are cheating (hint: because you choose to), the questing is why do you choose to?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How about what would hurt him less - like go out and find him a really good hot woman to be his next wife. You can then divorce him and be free.


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## Ready2work (Feb 20, 2011)

I don't understand the notion that you know you will cheat on him again. Because you want to cheat on him again or because you don't think you have any self-control? Because if you don't want to cheat on him I think you can absolutely do that but you gotta find out what it's causing. Maybe you get something out of the attention another man gives you. Doesn't mean that your husband is/isn't doing something but I think you can beat this if you figure out why you are craving this attention and what you can do about that.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you're in the process of changing as serial cheaters rarely have in remorse for their actions. Your actions emanating from your teenage years have become ingrained into your psyche and you automatically act out every time someone shows you attention. You definitely need counselling and to be honest I understand why your husband wasn't that mad with a kiss.


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