# Frustrated with my marriage sex life



## Almost 40 and frustrated (Mar 23, 2015)

Hi all,

I am almost 39 years old and been married for 13 years. Before I got married I had a very long relationship (6 years) and was unfaithful to that girlfriend a few times, she found out and broke up with me, it was very hard for me and I learned my lesson. I never been unfaithful to my wife. 
When we were dating the sex was great and there were no rules about it, then we got married things slowed down a bit and she started to have this rules and she started to criticize me about sex.
*Sex only on weekends
*No kissing (turns out I am a bad kisser)
*No crazy places, just bed
*Hurry up
*Don't grope me
*Stop looking me like that

When we got married I started to gain weight and let go of myself a little bit, on the other hand she has become hotter with age and I really love her and found her incredible hot, I am lucky to have a wife that gets me horny just by looking at her. About three years ago I decided to 
change my habits and lost a lot of weight and got in the best shape of my life, I tough it may help her to find me more desirable. The sex got a little better, but still the rules and amount of sex did not change.

To be honest she is very clear about what gets her in the mood but given our busy lives some of the things that could get me more sex are very difficult, she likes to have sex more in the day that at night (I work and we have two kids, not an easy time). She likes me to spend a lot of time romancing her, talking sweet to her.I try this and sometimes it works, but mainly the result is a "You are the best husband, but is late and I am tired", "I am not in the mood" "Yo can rub yourself against me and finish yourself".

I about to turn 40 I been having sex 3 times a month for the past 13 years I am married to a woman I love and desire a lot, and all I want is to have more sex with her... HOW CAN I DO THIS? Its really frustrating and I started having this feeling that I am missing out. If a woman loves you a desires you is 3 times a month a normal sex life, maybe I am overreaching and it just does not get better than this...


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You should implement some of your own rules:

Rule No. 1: Get rid of all the old rules.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Three times a month is better than no sex. I think that normal is 1-2 times a week... if anyone knows what 'normal' is. What matters is that you want more and would like to find a way to increase it.

Tell us more about the rest of your relationship. Low sex is usually a sign of problems elsewhere in the relationship.

So let's start here... 

How many hours a week do you spend with your wife, just the two of you, doing things together that you both enjoy. Date-like things, sitting & cuddling & talking, going for a walk together, dinner out, etc.


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## Almost 40 and frustrated (Mar 23, 2015)

karole said:


> You should implement some of your own rules:
> 
> Rule No. 1: Get rid of all the old rules.


I would love that, she is not very open to this suggestion, believe me I've tried.


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## Almost 40 and frustrated (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Three times a month is better than no sex. I think that normal is 1-2 times a week... if anyone knows what 'normal' is. What matters is that you want more and would like to find a way to increase it.
> 
> Tell us more about the rest of your relationship. Low sex is usually a sign of problems elsewhere in the relationship.
> 
> ...


I am also in the "3 times a months is better than none" set of mind, but I want more... 

Our relationship is great, we spend a lot of time together with the children and on our own (we go to the movies, to dinner, we talk a lot and shear many interest together.) I work but I am a partner at my firm so I have no boss and have a lot of freedom with my agenda. My family comes first always. I know she loves me deeply, I guess she is not a very sexual person but I am really frustrated and really would like to have more sex, it's not like I am going to look outside my marriage for that, but it would really make me happy if sex was not a begging issue, and it was not a just once in the weekend so I don't bother her.

Sometimes I get really angry at her because she rejects me and she does not even try to think of me as a sexual person. If I start touching her in a sexual way, she always asks me to stop. If I tell her she looks great and beautiful she says I only say that because I want to have sex.

I have told her I am not very happy with the amount of sex we have, she tells me if I do this or change that she would be more open, but after 13 years I have tried it and have not got the results she tells me.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

There are alot of people, me included, who would consider 3x/month acceptable and definitely better than nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> I am also in the "3 times a months is better than none" set of mind, but I want more...
> 
> Our relationship is great, we spend a lot of time together with the children and on our own (we go to the movies, to dinner, we talk a lot and shear many interest together.) I work but I am a partner at my firm so I have no boss and have a lot of freedom with my agenda. My family comes first always. I know she loves me deeply, I guess she is not a very sexual person but I am really frustrated and really would like to have more sex, it's not like I am going to look outside my marriage for that, but it would really make me happy if sex was not a begging issue, and it was not a just once in the weekend so I don't bother her.
> 
> ...


What are the things that she tells you to change?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
Please see the many LD/HD (low desire / high desire) threads. Good chance things won't change. You need to decide if the way things are is acceptable to you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> ......she started to have this rules and she started to criticize me about sex.
> *Sex only on weekends
> *No kissing (turns out I am a bad kisser)
> *No crazy places, just bed
> ...


Have you sat down and asked her about her "rules" as to why they are important to her? Have you listened carefully and thanked her for sharing?

It sounds to me like she is busy and tired, but will have sex on the weekends after a good nights sleep, with no work related stress. If that is case, what are you doing to make sure she gets enough sleep and relaxation during the week when you want more sex? Can you create a special say mid-week date night where you do dinner and dishes to night in a row and on the first night she goes to be early.

As to the no crazy places, if you have kids, yeah I can understand that.

Maybe the kissing and groping and looking things can be curied.

As to the weight thing, there is a concept in NMMNG call covert contracts where a Nice Guy make a deal in his head (I will loose weight and my wife will have sex with me more often), only he never get's her to buy in ot the covert Contract. Then he gets angry at his wife for rejecting him, when she doesn't have a clue as to why he is angry.

Good luck.


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## Almost 40 and frustrated (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What are the things that she tells you to change?


Usually, she says I have bad timing, that at night she feel less attracted to sex than in the middle of the day, with the kids and work middle of the day is very difficult. 

She wants more foreplay, but if I start the foreplay, massage or gently caressing her for a good time she usually wants things to end quickly and the foreplay she likes does not arouse me so quickly and she is not willing to return the favor and get me in the mood so I end up putting a lot of pressure in performing because I know I have little time to get aroused and to have sex.

One thing that helps is if she drinks, she is more cooperative, obviously this only works on weekends since weekdays she is never in the mood for a drink, because kids, tired, school mornings etc. For me sometimes is a little offensive that she seems to find me attractive only when she drinks...


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## Almost 40 and frustrated (Mar 23, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Have you sat down and asked her about her "rules" as to why they are important to her? Have you listened carefully and thanked her for sharing?
> 
> It sounds to me like she is busy and tired, but will have sex on the weekends after a good nights sleep, with no work related stress. If that is case, what are you doing to make sure she gets enough sleep and relaxation during the week when you want more sex? Can you create a special say mid-week date night where you do dinner and dishes to night in a row and on the first night she goes to be early.
> 
> ...


On your first paragraph, Yes I have sat down and ask her why? We discussed it and the short answer is she does not feel comfortable being to adventurous if she is sober, that she is shy and not that crazy about sex. These issues present a problem, I can not get her to drink in week days because she is to tired, not in the mood and usually gets angry if I try to pressure her.

Second paragraph, We live in Mexico and I do ok in my job so we have a full time maid that cooks, cleans, and mostly does every house related job. She has Yoga class 2 times a Week, Gymnastics, 2 times a week and Photography course 1 time a wee. All this because she get bored in the morning. The irony is a paid all this classes so she does not get frustrated and she is a better mood, the classes make her look hotter but she is not willing to have more sex. I understand she gets tired taking care of the kids, but when I tell her I desire her in any and every way conceivable she just backs away and says I know the rules, just the weekends. She is tired because of the kids, the yoga or the gymnastics class... IRONY SUCKS

3rd and 4th paragraph I understand.

Las paragraph (what is NMMNG?) and yes it sound about right My monkey brain thought if I get fitter = more sex, because Thats been the case with her, the fitter she gets the more crazy and frustrated about not having more sex I get, because I want he more. It's a fair representation on how are we different.

Thanks,


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Like a lot of guys on here, be happy its 3 times a month. What you guys have in two-three months is more than I have all year. So be thankful for what you have


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

I believe that ultimate purpose of all these rules and difficult-to-execute preferences (like sex during day) is to avoid having sex with you. She is putting up with minimum effort she can get by and it is a successful tactic so far for her. 

I believe the best chance for resolving this is to get her to honestly tell you why she doesn't like to have sex with you. But I'm not sure how to do that. If she suspects that her honesty will destabilize her life she'll avoid it at all costs.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> On your first paragraph, Yes I have sat down and ask her why? We discussed it and the short answer is she does not feel comfortable being to adventurous if she is sober, that she is shy and not that crazy about sex. These issues present a problem, I can not get her to drink in week days because she is to tired, not in the mood and usually gets angry if I try to pressure her.
> 
> Second paragraph, We live in Mexico and I do ok in my job so we have a full time maid that cooks, cleans, and mostly does every house related job. She has Yoga class 2 times a Week, Gymnastics, 2 times a week and Photography course 1 time a wee. All this because she get bored in the morning. The irony is a paid all this classes so she does not get frustrated and she is a better mood, the classes make her look hotter but she is not willing to have more sex. I understand she gets tired taking care of the kids, but when I tell her I desire her in any and every way conceivable she just backs away and says I know the rules, just the weekends. She is tired because of the kids, the yoga or the gymnastics class... IRONY SUCKS
> 
> ...


Lose the maid so that your wife goes back to her primary job of cleaning the house and cooking while raising kids. If she gets mad over it and starts brow beating you over it, just hold up your hand and tell her those are now the new rules... 

I hope you realize the con job she pulled on you regarding being too tired for the kids. Raising kids without having to keep a house is very much doable without taxing yourself too much.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My thoughts on this:

The LD/HD thing - I'm not seeing it here, or at least I don't think that's the real issue. There's a difference between wanting sex only a few times a month (LD) and ALLOWING sex a few times a month (with rules, and generally rushing it).

The "no kissing" is an interesting one. My ex wife also had this rule, because she didn't feel I was a good kisser, either. Here's the thing: she should be telling you how to be a good kisser, showing you what she likes, etc. NOT outlawing it. This, to me, is an indication that she doesn't want to kiss you, period. You'll have to figure out why on your own.

In the case of my ex wife, it was likely because she felt no attraction to me at all, in "that" way - something I really only put together after we broke up. There were many other red flags pointing towards this that I failed to see.

In my case, we got along just fine, and at times, great. But in retrospect, it was more like we were best friends (we were) and also somewhat co-dependent. When it came to intimacy, kissing, sex, etc. it more or less how you are describing your life. It's "there", but in a rather distant and non-emotional way.

The gist of it is that my ex wife was not sexually attracted to me for whatever reason. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. I don't believe it had anything to do with me, personally (in terms of attractiveness, physicality, etc.) but whatever it was, I just didn't float her boat. I believe I was a safe haven for her, not a bad boy, I treated her well, provided for her, encouraged her, loved her, etc. Made her feel safe and loved.

The end result is that she left me for a "bad boy" type, who she ended up marrying. The guy looked eerily similar to me, but his lifestyle was very different (fairly well known musician in some circles, in his part of the world, for example). Not a 9-5 kind of guy.

One question that will help us give you clearer advice - if you can tell us how often she masturbates (or how often you suspect she does). If you don't know, then no worries. This can help us gauge a little better if she does have a sex drive.

For example, my ex wife probably masturbated at least twice a week, and probably more. She also didn't really hide it (ie. vibrator moved from bathroom cupboard to dresser drawer to bedside table, etc.) My current wife masturbates, I'm guessing MAYBE once a month, and probably less than that. But I know her desire level is low, while my ex wife's was not and was at least "normal".


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I would like to very politely say that, for those of you who are having less sex than OP, or no sex at all, it is not helpful to chime in and say "be thankful you're getting at least that". These comments appear in literally every thread here in regards to lack of sex. There is always at least one person who tells the OP to be happy they're getting SOMETHING.

I kid you not, if somebody posted about having sex ONCE a year, there would be somebody who responds by saying "be happy you're getting it once!".

The issues are very very different, and these words downplay, to a great degree, the difficulties the OP is having, and minimize his/her issue, which is not fair.

I can understand your frustration and empathize, but at the same time, basically telling somebody their issue isn't worth discussing simply because it's not as bad as YOUR issue isn't helpful in the least. TAM can't set a baseline of "x-times" a year or don't bother posting, because the reality is, there will always be somebody who has it worse off than somebody else.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's all about what she wants, and her rules. I guess your wants and needs don't matter much. She who owns the pvssy, rules, I guess. On the positive side, you are getting far more sex than most do in low sex, sexless, and LD marriages. It seems worthwhile to talk about what would be needed to increase the frequency to twice a week, which seems reasonable and possible. However, if nothing will change the situation, what will you do? If you decide to stay, you could stop meeting some of her needs to let her know how that feels. Personally, having been in a sexless marriage (even less than yours, though), I'd leave if nothing changed, because I'll never again put up with that.

Edit: Yes, alexm, I agree with what you said, but perspective can sometimes help.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Please see the many LD/HD (low desire / high desire) threads. Good chance things won't change. You need to decide if the way things are is acceptable to you.


OP,I strongly believe that you are frustrated from quality of sex , rather than just quantity.

you need to analyze and see if you can live this way all your life ; if no , will a deal breaker change her !
No ,
she will become worse , believe it .

I advise you to work on respect and affection for the time being ; they are the source , not sex; 
if she respects you more , she will respect your desires .


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Zouz
For many people it doesn't work this way. Some LD people just don't want sex and respect won't change that.




Zouz said:


> snip
> 
> I advise you to work on respect and affection for the time being ; they are the source , not sex;
> if she respects you more , she will respect your desires .


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening alexm
I think there is a lot of variation. Some LD women have no desire for sex, but are willing to use it as a tool to get what they want. Others really do not want it at all and can't help themselves.



alexm said:


> My thoughts on this:
> 
> The LD/HD thing - I'm not seeing it here, or at least I don't think that's the real issue. There's a difference between wanting sex only a few times a month (LD) and ALLOWING sex a few times a month (with rules, and generally rushing it).
> 
> ...


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## Almost 40 and frustrated (Mar 23, 2015)

Lila said:


> *Almost 40 and frustrated*, you mentioned above that you have "a lot of freedom with [your] agenda". If this means that you have flexibility for when you come and go from the office, why don't you indulge your wife's request to have mid-afternoon sex? At the very least, it will give you a solid indication of whether or not she's actually sexually attracted to you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes I have freedom with my agenda, and I've tried to do the surprise of trying to escape work for a "mid day snack", the thing is she usually is at her yoga or gymnastics class or the maid is the house and she feel weird closing our door when the maid is around. 

The foreplay she likes is a back massage, but I am not allowed to massage the fun parts, she gets relaxed and in the mood, I get tired and start to feel pressure because she is going to rush the whole thing with out me being fully aroused. 

As I have expressed even if she rush it and has rules, the quality of the sex has improved a lot in the past years, All I want is more sex, I can live with some of the rules, I can understand she has lower desires than me I understand she does not see me as desirable as I see her. I am not a guy who believes in outsourcing or open a franchise with another woman, I want to have more sex with my wife, should I just say to her I am really frustrated and ask her to be more cooperative, straight forward? The monkey brain says I am a good husband a good father a good provider and to be hones this is the only issue in our marriage that brings me down and makes me resent her.

A friend of mine once told me he started masturbating twice a day since his wife was not willing to have more sex with him (I don't know how much sex they were having), and this was a way of releasing his stress and keeping his desires low. After a while he told me he loved his wife but felt she was not ready/willing to satisfy him, and he felt lonely in the sexual department... He ended up having and affair with a coworker. He has not been caught but it seems he is willing to risk it for a more active sexual life. I am afraid that having this feeling will open a door to that kind of behavior. I want to be open with my wife with out being selfish or capricious. I am wrong?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

alexm said:


> I would like to very politely say that, for those of you who are having less sex than OP, or no sex at all, it is not helpful to chime in and say "be thankful you're getting at least that". These comments appear in literally every thread here in regards to lack of sex. There is always at least one person who tells the OP to be happy they're getting SOMETHING.
> 
> I kid you not, if somebody posted about having sex ONCE a year, there would be somebody who responds by saying "be happy you're getting it once!".
> 
> ...


QF so much T


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> .... *she does not feel comfortable being to adventurous if she is sober, that she is shy and not that crazy about sex. *
> 
> Second paragraph, We live in Mexico and I do ok in my job so we have a full time maid that cooks, cleans, and mostly does every house related job. She has Yoga class 2 times a Week, Gymnastics, 2 times a week and Photography course 1 time a wee. All this because she get bored in the morning. *The irony is a paid all this classes so she does not get frustrated and she is a better mood, the classes make her look hotter but she is not willing to have more sex. *I understand she gets tired taking care of the kids, but when I tell her I desire her in any and every way conceivable she just backs away and says I know the rules, just the weekends. *She is tired because of the kids, the yoga or the gymnastics class*... IRONY SUCKS
> 
> ...





Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> Yes I have freedom with my agenda, and I've tried to do the surprise of trying to escape work for a "mid day snack", the thing is she usually is at her yoga or gymnastics class or the maid is the house and she feel weird closing our door when the maid is around.
> 
> The *foreplay she likes is a back massage*, but I am not allowed to massage the fun parts, she gets relaxed and in the mood, *I get tired and start to feel pressure because she is going to rush the whole thing with out me being fully aroused.*
> 
> *....I am a good husband a good father a good provider and to be hones this is the only issue in our marriage that brings me down and makes me resent her.*


Alcohol reduces inhibitions. She clearly has inhibitions about having sex (with you or anyone). I would wager she doesn't masturbate because of inhibitions, much like my wife is full of inhibitions. 

Your comments about paying for all her classes and not getting any sex, paying for a maid and not getting sex, combined with your later comment about being a good provider scream out to me Mr. Nice Guy. For the record NMMNG, is Dr. Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about how men raised by women, and taught by women in a feminist world, don't have good role models on how to be an integrated manly man, the kind women desire. It is about how they men are taught that they need to please their mothers and lady teachers to get love and success. When they don't get that love, they try the same things over and over again, but harder that don't work. Sort of like if one aspirin is good, maybe a hundred will cure this head ache. This is where the covert contract comes in. You (in you head) come up with a plan to get more sex or love, only your wife isn't aware of the plan and so it doesn't work.

NMMNG lays out a plan for men to Get a Life (GAL) and become integrated men who are not co-dependent on their wifes for all their emotional happiness. I strongly suggest you get and read Dr. Glover's book.

Now for a digression. There is no "right" amount of sex in a marriage and what might satisfy two people in their 20's may not satisfy them in the 70's. Similarly, what is right for one couple may not be for another. As David Schnarch says in the Passionate Marriage, there is a Low Desire/High Desire (LD/HD) aspect in all aspects of marriage. One partner may be HD for chocolate ice cream and has to have it every night at dinner, and maybe sneak out during the week for a ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins. The other partner may truly hate chocolate ice cream, and only be able to tolerate vannilla ice cream once a week. It doesn't make the LD partner wrong, or broken, just as it doesn't make the HD partner right or good. Like ice cream, frequency of sex is something that each couple (like all kinds of things) needs to negotiate and find a compromise that works. 

Have you negotiated? Are her rules her boundaries that she set in the negotiations. In her mind are you trying to change the boundaries without renegotiating everything? Are you trying to make changes via covert contracts in your own mind only?

Now back to inhibitions and backrubs as foreplay. My wife requires extensive backrubs and massage to unwind sufficiently for her mind to go "numb" to the point that she is relaxed enough to want sex. When she is relaxed enough, she actually does want sex, but without extra relaxation, she wants it at most twice every three weeks. 

I have struggled with this for a long time and thought a lot about it. My wife and I have had a nationally know sex therapist help us and gone to a weekend retreat with the Gottmans to help us work through her aversion to sex and anger toward me.

My wife has so many "f-ing" inhibitions I can't count them all. She was educated in Catholic girls schools by convent nuns. When we first dated, she said that anything between a husband and wife was allowed after marriage. After marriage, she explained to me that the nuns had no idea the taboo and depraved things that "anything" could mean. So I get the rules thing you are dealing with. Deal with it.

Going back to Schnarch, accept who she is and work with what you have. That means following Glover's advice and working on yourself so you are as interesting and attractive man to her as you can be and that she desires you. It also means that you are not desparate and needy, constantly looking to her for your happiness. It also means that you need to RE-negotiate with her and figure out how the two of you can find happiness.

She seems to need backrubs to unwind to the point that she can have sex. GIVE HER BACKRUBS, but don't turn it into a covert or overt contract. She gets back rubs, because you want her to relax and unwind, not because it will always lead to sex. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If you give her three nights of backrubs and it only results in sex once during mid-week, look at your glass as half full. Don't focus on your arousal, focus on hers and then enjoy her gift of her body to you.

Don't try to get her drunk, find out other ways to make her feel relaxed and help her loosen her inhibititions. Help her with affirmations. Ask her what she visualizes when she thinks of a perfect marriage? The see if you can't help that visualization become real for her. Ask her to do affirmations of how beautiful and sexy she is to you and how much she wants to be your lover when she does yoga or meditation. Work with her and be a leader in helping her figure out what she can do to change the way she approaches sex with you.

Good luck.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You could tell her that her "rules" aren't working for you, that you find them extremely frustrating and that they are making you resentful. 

Ask her if it is OK for you to take a mistress during the week. The new girlfriend can take care of your needs during the week and your wife can have you on the weekend.

Be serious when you have this discussion and see what she says. 

And before the ladies get after me, I'm not saying to actually take on a mistress...

If you do this, report back.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When did she shut down the kissing? 

How hard did you try to get her to show you how she does like to be kissed? And/or to find out if it was bad breath, too much saliva or something other than technique? 

For many folks, sex without any kissing is the first step towards a sexless marriage. 

Physically are you fit, V shaped? Or overweight and out of shape?

Sounds like your wife likes you as a friend, provider, co parent. 

And has lost her attraction to you - and just barely tolerates sex.






Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> Usually, she says I have bad timing, that at night she feel less attracted to sex than in the middle of the day, with the kids and work middle of the day is very difficult.
> 
> She wants more foreplay, but if I start the foreplay, massage or gently caressing her for a good time she usually wants things to end quickly and the foreplay she likes does not arouse me so quickly and she is not willing to return the favor and get me in the mood so I end up putting a lot of pressure in performing because I know I have little time to get aroused and to have sex.
> 
> One thing that helps is if she drinks, she is more cooperative, obviously this only works on weekends since weekdays she is never in the mood for a drink, because kids, tired, school mornings etc. For me sometimes is a little offensive that she seems to find me attractive only when she drinks...


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Almost40--

My advice is to stop treating your wife as if she is your wife and start treating her as if she is a woman you are dating casually.

This does NOT mean that you start buying her flowers and being romantic.

It does mean that you STOP jumping through hoops in an effort to get more sex.

If you were casually dating a woman and she told you she did not want to kiss you, would you be giving her backrubs, paying for her photography classes, etc? Of course not!

This is a one sided relationship in her favor. You need to equalize it.

Stop all romantic gestures. Stop all simpering attempts to convince her to have sex. 

Ignore her. Focus on yourself. Work out more. Go out with your friends without her. Treat her needs and wants as casually as she treats yours.

This is not about getting revenge. This is about leveling the playing field.

When she sees you truly do not give a F---- about her and could replace her in an instant, she will start being interested in sex more.

Right now she believes she has monopoly power. You need to burst that bubble and show her through your actions (not through speeches or pleading) that you are desireable and she can be replaced very quickly.

It is deeply counterintuitive to how you probably think you should treat her, but it is the truth.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> Everything you said just makes me super sad. His wife is having sex with him once a week and it is good and getting better. She loves him but the sex is not up to the frequency he wants so he should ignore her, stop all romantic gestures and show her he does not give a fvck about her. This advice sickens me.


serious question: what about the wife's behavior in this case convinces you that she loves her husband?

To me it seems blatantly obvious that she merely tolerates him.

My advice was based on this interpretation.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Almost 40 and frustrated said:


> Hi all,
> 
> To be honest* she is very clear about what gets her in the mood* but given our busy lives some of the things that could get me more sex are very difficult, she likes to have sex more in the day that at night (I work and we have two kids, not an easy time). *She likes me to spend a lot of time romancing her, talking sweet to her*.I try this and sometimes it works, but mainly the result is a "*You are the best husband*, but is late and I am tired", "I am not in the mood" "Yo can rub yourself against me and finish yourself".
> ..


*Our relationship is great, we spend a lot of time together with the children and on our own* (we go to the movies, to dinner, we talk a lot and shear many interest together.) * I know she loves me deeply*, I guess she is not a very sexual person but I am really frustrated and really would like to have more sex, it's not like I am going to look outside my marriage for that,

Anon1111: None of this suggests to me she is barely tolerating him.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Fitnessfan--I agree somewhat that ignoring/dissing is not the way to go, but what would YOUR advice be?


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

FitnessFan,

This advice may sicken you, but it's what 40 must embrace if he wants to shake up the relationship dynamics. Right now, he's got the wife on a pedastal. 

She has help in the home, the opportunity to engage in what would be perceived to be as self-improvement classes and needs mega-massaging or booze to get into the mood to be with her husband. While we can't be sure based on a few descriptions posted on the Internet, the initial evidence suggests that somebody may be exhibiting some "princess" qualities.

Anon's advice is standard NMMNG playbook for such situations. While it's not intuitive, the balance in a relationship can be restored when the NG husband acts less like a marital lapdog and acting more like a self-sufficient integrated male with interests - and needs - that take a rightful part in his life.

It's not the right advice for everybody. But, in this case, 40 needs to step up a little bit and improve himself before he can hope to engage the interest of a wife who appears to have declining interest in him as a husband. (witness "no kissing", for instance.)


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> FitnessFan,
> 
> This advice may sicken you, but it's what 40 must embrace if he wants to shake up the relationship dynamics. Right now, he's got the wife on a pedastal.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It is time to upset the apple cart.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Here is neuklas's advice to another poster:



> I've finished reading your thread. The advice of the last several pages is gold.
> 
> I'd add the following, which is really regurgitation, but intended more as a short list of unambiguous action items to do right now, as I think you're at the stage where simplicity is best, and once the simple is ingrained habit, you can built on you.
> 
> ...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Focusing on yourself and kicking the nice guy routine does not necessarily mean ceasing romance or ignoring your wife.

Cease romance as a means of getting sex. Pursue romance for romance's sake, if that's something YOU enjoy.

Stop paying for classes as a means of trying to get your wife in the mood for sex. Pay for classes if you enjoy seeing her enjoy herself.

It's ok to engage your wife--just ditch the covert contracts.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Everything you said just makes me super sad. His wife is having sex with him once a week and it is good and getting better. She loves him but the sex is not up to the frequency he wants so he should ignore her, stop all romantic gestures and show her he does not give a fvck about her. This advice sickens me.


Does it also sicken you that he works a lot while she goes to the gym and does yoga with a maid at home so she could refuse to kiss him and tell him to rub himself on her while hurrying up masturbating if he wants to get off?

It sickens me he is such a welcome mat. I sure wouldn't be attracted to him to be blunt.

OP, BOTH of you set the rules, not just her. Stand up for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> I guess I would need to know the context. Did she ask for a maid or did he just provide one? Does she have to have sex as often as meets his needs because he got her one? So, she goes to the gym? Didn't he say he just got in the best shape of his life? She can't as well? If she is bored during the day..is it not okay for her to take classes that they can afford that he has encouraged? He said his wife loves him and has asked for more foreplay. She is not denying him sex and is in fact, trying to work with him by saying she'd like more foreplay, more talking and romance and that it would be better for her at certain times when she isn't tired. Seems to me she is trying to work with him on this issue. Perhaps they are having trouble communicating on this. I understand stepping up and making some changes, improving himself, but I don't see such harsh tactics as ignoring her, stopping all romantic gestures, showing her you don't give a fvck about her and could replace her necessary. I just see that as cruel in this situation.
> 
> Could you try just telling her outright that the quantity is just not enough for you and you are struggling? Are you willing to do any of the things she has requested that would make sex easier for her? Could you say, I know it is easier during the day for you so I'm coming home on Friday, can you please not be at yoga because I'd really like to be with you? Can you tell her your happy to give her a massage because it helps her get in the mood but that it ruins the mood for you if you can't touch all of her beautiful body? I know this isn't easy but I feel like the communication is an issue here and if that could be better, it might help.


So does it?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

No one is suggesting he be an *******.

Self-respect demands he not be walked on. Not allowing others to use you does not equal being a jerk.

Being told to rub one out in close proximity to her body as a gracious gesture after a hard day of watching the maid clean after an intense yoga class does demand some type of defensive stance, to protect and improve himself, not to hurt her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

TheStranger said:


> I believe that ultimate purpose of all these rules and difficult-to-execute preferences (like sex during day) is to avoid having sex with you. She is putting up with minimum effort she can get by and it is a successful tactic so far for her.
> 
> I believe the best chance for resolving this is to get her to honestly tell you why she doesn't like to have sex with you. But I'm not sure how to do that. If she suspects that her honesty will destabilize her life she'll avoid it at all costs.


Agree 100%. In the U.S., her life style (maid, no job, daily leisure activities) would be considered high-end. I have the feeling the same is true in Mexico. My $0.02 is:

You've got two problems. The most serious is she disrespects you. Her priority is to live well for minimum effort. She is happy to tell you what would light her fire, see you run off to do it, then still deny you.

Integritous people do deceive and manipulate their spouses, nor do they strive to maintain such an imbalance. A good wife would try to match your sacrifice out of mutuality. At a minimum, she would be honest and say "sorry, this is the best I can do" and not make you think you work your way to better sex. I wonder if she tries to skate by with minimum effort in other areas.

The other problem is the bad sex. That needs to be addressed and there are many potential reasons why the sex is bad. But, you won't fix that until she respects you and what you bring to the table enough to be honest with you and increase her effort.

I suggest you do three things. First, you put the onus for better sex on her. You note that you've done everything you can think of and what she's requested but the improvement is insufficient. Voice your expectations (say, 2x per week and removal of her restrictions). Also tell her that she can partner with you to fix this or not, but your expectations remain and business as usual will not be tolerated.

Second, stop doing so damn much for her - seriously. She does not appear to be generous to you, and allowing her to live well while you get minimized does not encourage her to improve. If anything it will embed a sense of entitlement in her.

Third, get some outside interests. Learn to be happy without sex and without having her around. This will lead to (a) getting rid of any complacency she has and (b) prepare you in case this problem is not fixable. The hard truth is she may be so averse to the sex life you want (with you or just in general) that she would gladly give up her lifestyle to be free of that responsibility. In that case, whether you stay and give up on the sex or leave her, you need to be able to be happy in your new circumstances.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Anon1111: None of this suggests to me she is barely tolerating him.


Allow me to clarify - she is barely tolerating him _sexually_.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Lila said:


> *Almost 40 and frustrated*, you mentioned above that you have "a lot of freedom with [your] agenda". If this means that you have flexibility for when you come and go from the office, why don't you indulge your wife's request to have mid-afternoon sex? At the very least, it will give you a solid indication of whether or not she's actually sexually attracted to you.


The OP said his wife limits sex to weekends as well as expressing a preference during the daytime. So, I don't think that would help much.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

LongWalk said:


> Here is neuklas's advice to another poster:
> 
> Quote:
> I've finished reading your thread. The advice of the last several pages is gold.
> ...


Can I point out that it's theoretically possible that his wife is doing exactly this, with exactly the same goals in mind?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MarriedTex said:


> FitnessFan,
> 
> 
> She has help in the home, the opportunity to engage in what would be perceived to be as self-improvement classes and needs mega-massaging or booze to get into the mood to be with her husband. While we can't be sure based on a few descriptions posted on the Internet, the initial evidence suggests that somebody may be exhibiting some "princess" qualities.


My thought is that she's adopted these qualities because that's what she's been given to work with, and otherwise allowed to do. No fault of OP, really, best intentions and all that, but the reality is that not everybody responds positively to this type of loving.

Hell, his wife may not even realize she is what she is. And if she does, she may not like that she's a housewife with a maid and a gym membership. She may feel like a kept woman, for all we know.

And that can easily result in a person (especially a woman) feeling that sex is no longer a loving and emotional thing you do with your partner. More that it's an implied necessity. Something you do for your husband, who works hard all day, pays for everything, gets you pregnant, pays for a gym membership, enrichment courses and a maid.

While some people (me included!) wouldn't mind that lifestyle, it's not for everybody.

On the other hand, she may enjoy it TOO much, and there's absolutely no incentive to do a whole lot in return if she doesn't want to. She can't have NO sex with him, so he gets sex, with minimal effort and no kissing. That's clearly just enough to keep him around, it appears.

The no kissing rule and the "feel free to rub yourself on me until you finish" thing is WAY over the line, though. If my wife EVER said she'd rather I rub my **** on her until I finish (on her!!!) instead of having even duty sex, I'd punch myself in the face.

Can any of you guys out there ever imagine telling your wife to, I don't know, ride your leg until she's done, I'm just going to lie here and try to sleep????


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