# How often is it okay to say "I'm just not in the mood"?



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

H and I been married 2 years in September. We have had sex at least every other day (most times every day) ever since marriage (which we waited for to have sex). Okay, I feel *SO BAD* when I tell my husband I don't want to have sex, even if we just did it the day before. I almost feel obligated to do it so that he isn't tempted to stray. I imagine me telling him that night "I'm not in the mood honey" and then this woman coming up to him the next day and getting all over him and offering hours of hot sex with many positions, then him leaving me for her. lol I know that's silly but I really think that if I turn him down for sex one night. Just wondering if I'm the only one with that problem.

Thoughts? :scratchhead:


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

My advice about all sex issues is to talk to your partner. Let him know how you're feeling and see if you can negotiate what works best for both of you.

Most of the time my partner and I are on the same sexual wavelength. But when we aren't, first I try to figure out whether or not he's "dying"...ie, sometimes he can't sleep without sex...or whether its something we can both postpone until later cause we're both kind of sleepy. We are big cuddlers which sometimes fulfills the needs until later.

The most important thing is just talking through it and figuring out the right time for both of you so it doesn't start feeling like a chore when you're not really into it.

And trust me, if he really loves you and respects your relationship, he doesn't want to have sex with someone else. He just really wants to have it with you and won't mind waiting for a little bit to have the privilege.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You waited for marriage for sex. But you only dated 2 weeks before you got married... I'm just saying....

You two are having sex about 4-7 times a week. But you are afraid that if you don't have sex one night he will pick up on some lose woman who throws herself at him? You don't have much faith in your husband, do you?

I find the idea of duty sex a huge turnoff. I don't think I'd ever do that. When I have sex it's because I want it with my man. If he cheats because he thinks he's deprived, the it's on him.

I'm high drive and like sex daily. What I found is that having enthusiastic sex at least once a day with a man will not stop him from cheating if he wants to cheat.

I also think it's true that if a person deprives their spouse (male/female) of sex for a long period of time (months/years) they should not be surprised if their spouse has an affair and/or leaves them.

There is a balance to be achieved. As long as your having sex at a rate that the TWO of you agree to, your fear is unfounded. It shows a lack of trust and respect for your husband.


.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You waited for marriage for sex. But you only dated 2 weeks before you got married... I'm just saying.... _*You're just saying what? Are you making fun of me for that? Maybe I shouldn't have shared personal details on this site. I knew someone was going to bash me for it.*_
> 
> You two are having sex about 4-7 times a week. But you are afraid that if you don't have sex one night he will pick up on some lose woman who throws herself at him? You don't have much faith in your husband, do you? _*Maybe I was sexually abused as a child, my father has always chose women and their children over me, I'm an insecure 20 year old, and my H threatened to leave me several times until we got marriage counseling.*_
> 
> ...


I normally enjoy and love your advice, EleGirl, but this felt like more of a personal attack to me. I can't help but feel hurt by it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> You're just saying what? Are you making fun of me for that? Maybe I shouldn't have shared personal details on this site. I knew someone was going to bash me for it.


I’m sorry if that bothered you. But I saw it as a bit light hearted. Usually when a couple says that they waited until marriage they are talking about months/years. I just found it kind a cute/humorous. It’s definitely not an attack on you. 



ariel_angel77 said:


> Maybe I was sexually abused as a child, my father has always chose women and their children over me, I'm an insecure 20 year old, and my H threatened to leave me several times until we got marriage counseling.


How are people posting on this thread supposed to know this information about you? Now that you bring it up, I think I recall that you mentioned some, not all, of this in the past. What this info does is tell us not only that you don’t have a lot of faith in your husband and maybe not in any man. And it’s for good reason.

To point out that you do not have much faith in him is not an attack. It was pretty obvious from your post. In order to fix a problem the first thing that is needed is to identify the problem. So there is a problem. You don’t have a lot of faith in your husband for good reason. So now you know what to work on.




ariel_angel77 said:


> I respect my husband very much, hence my intense desire to please him. As far as the trust, see above.


Can you respect someone who you do not trust?

Can you trust someone who you do not respect?

I think that the answer to those two questions is “NO”. 

I’m sorry if it offends you. I surely do not mean it that way. But you have an issue of not trusting. You might have a very good reason for not trusting. But the lack of trust exists. Have you considered going to individual counseling to learn to put the past in perspective so that you can learn to trust that your husband is not going to have sex with the first lose woman who comes along? There could very well be times in your life when you cannot have sex. People get sick. Women have hard pregnancies. You need to be able to feel secure in your marriage and be able to feel that you can trust your husband even if the two of you have to go weeks without sex.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> H and I been married 2 years in September. We have had sex at least every other day (most times every day) ever since marriage (which we waited for to have sex). Okay, I feel *SO BAD* when I tell my husband I don't want to have sex, even if we just did it the day before. I almost feel obligated to do it so that he isn't tempted to stray. I imagine me telling him that night "I'm not in the mood honey" and then this woman coming up to him the next day and getting all over him and offering hours of hot sex with many positions, then him leaving me for her. lol I know that's silly but I really think that if I turn him down for sex one night. Just wondering if I'm the only one with that problem.
> 
> Thoughts? :scratchhead:



The fact that you are so wise at a young age in the early years of your marriage amazes me!!!! You get a GOLD star, you are already wiser than some women double your age...:smthumbup: If you are not able to make love to your husband on a certain day....give him a big kiss and a loving PROMISE....say it's 11:00 pm and the baby was sick/or your mom came over and made you mad...and you just need to sleep.....your hubs may have had a crappy day and he NEEDS to connect with you.....tell him.."Honey, I am a tired and need a little sleep.....if you want to make love please wake me up at ...such and such time....and KEEP YOUR PROMISE...see, you get to sleep and your nice hubs gets to connect with you....


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

so, a simple answer. If for every five times I asked for sex, I was turned down once (for a non b.s. reason) I would not mind that much. But it had better not be "oh, there is a friends re-run on, so we can't have sex tonight"....there is a thing called a digital recorder!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Turning down for legitimate reasons isn't an issue. If you make a conscious effort to please him he will likely be happy. Hope he does the same for you. 

Unless he is selfish and a justifier, world is against him and always someone else's fault, I wouldn't worry about the cheating thing.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I’m sorry if that bothered you. But I saw it as a bit light hearted. Usually when a couple says that they waited until marriage they are talking about months/years. I just found it kind a cute/humorous. It’s definitely not an attack on you.


I am sorry. I must have taken the whole thing the wrong way. It's hard to tell how someone means it over the computer. I guess I'm used to my friends putting "lol" when they are lighthearted and joking. My mistake. 



EleGirl said:


> How are people posting on this thread supposed to know this information about you? Now that you bring it up, I think I recall that you mentioned some, not all, of this in the past. What this info does is tell us not only that you don’t have a lot of faith in your husband and maybe not in any man. And it’s for good reason.


The purpose of me telling you that, is that people have their reasons for feeling certain things and you may not want to assume (which I thought you were doing at the time) if you don't know their whole story.



EleGirl said:


> To point out that you do not have much faith in him is not an attack. It was pretty obvious from your post. In order to fix a problem the first thing that is needed is to identify the problem. So there is a problem. You don’t have a lot of faith in your husband for good reason. So now you know what to work on.


Misconstrued this as well. After responding, I thought about it for a while and realized that you might have been trying to point out a real issue. Thank you for identifying it for me.



EleGirl said:


> I’m sorry if it offends you. I surely do not mean it that way. But you have an issue of not trusting. You might have a very good reason for not trusting. But the lack of trust exists. Have you considered going to individual counseling to learn to put the past in perspective so that you can learn to trust that your husband is not going to have sex with the first lose woman who comes along? There could very well be times in your life when you cannot have sex. People get sick. Women have hard pregnancies. You need to be able to feel secure in your marriage and be able to feel that you can trust your husband even if the two of you have to go weeks without sex.


How do I feel more secure? IC?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I am sorry. I must have taken the whole thing the wrong way. It's hard to tell how someone means it over the computer. I guess I'm used to my friends putting "lol" when they are lighthearted and joking. My mistake.


I should have put LOL.... Human communication is about 70% nonverbal. So yea a lot gets lost here when all we see are typed words.



ariel_angel77 said:


> The purpose of me telling you that, is that people have their reasons for feeling certain things and you may not want to assume (which I thought you were doing at the time) if you don't know their whole story.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ariel,

I think that individual counseling would go a long way to help you feel more secure. If you cannot afford the IC, there must be some books that you can read that will help. Hopefully someone will post some book names for you.

It's just down right wrong that your experiences have left you feeling this way. No kid should have to grow up with that kind of hurt. {{{{ hugs }}}}


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Assuming your partner is trying to initiate sex at appropriate times...I think if it's more than the rare occasion "you're not in the mood" you should start looking into why you're not in the mood.

Is it you're not getting enough sleep? Is there is something he/she is doing that fosters resentment? Is is you're out of shape and feeling lethargic? Do you have stresses at work, financial etc that are preoccupying you? Figure that out then communicate it to your partner so they're not feeling like it's them and work on resolving the underlying issue that is leaving you not in the mood. 

I believe healthy people in a healthy relationship will want to have sex more often than not.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> My H really doesn't ask, he just initiates, but I never turn him down unless its that time of the month and he doesn't realize it. My reasons are two-fold: first because that is something my Mom told me in the months before getting married (at age 20): (1) don't nag (2) keep the house clean and (3) dont turn down sex. And the second reason for not turning down sex is because even during my low drive periods, my husband's desire for me has always warmed me on the inside. I cant explain it any better than that.


So your mom had a successful marriage? Those all seem like good advice.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> this woman coming up to him the next day and getting all over him and offering hours of hot sex with many positions,


Are you married to Bred Pitt? 

Just kidding. 

Supposedly, married people should have more in common that holds them together than just sex. Sex, too, but supposedly there should be more than just that. 

It's Ok to not want to have sex once in a while. You are very young. Just wait a decade or two, and you will hear the same statement from your husband.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sometimes you're just not in the mood...you don't feel sexy or you're just feeling down for whatever reason. I think it's ok to admit when you're not in the mood as long as you don't make it a habit and definitely do your best to provide some insight as to why you're not feeling it that day. Don't just make something up. Really try to figure it out and share your thoughts with your husband. Also,keep in mind that sometimes when you're not feeling it,the best remedy is to give him a chance to get you there.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

In your case OP, it's a none issue.

If you guys had sex once a month or very rarely, then it's completely different.

So the answer to the question you asked depends on frequency.

If it's often enough that it neglects your partner's desires, then it's not ok.

If a couple has healthy sex frequency, it's ok to do so if you just had sex yesterday or day before.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Ariel_Angel77
This is a really tough one. Being turned down for sex is really frustrating and a huge blow to the ego. Having sex with you don't want to makes it a chore and generates resentment. A difficult problem for a lot of couples

A few questions: When you do have sex does it go well. Is he attentive to your needs. Do you do all the things he likes? I'm trying to understand if you have a good sex life other than issues with frequency. 

A few thoughts / suggestions:

If you aren't in the mood that's what you should tell him. Its much better to hear that then to hear obviously made-up excuses. It also makes it more clear that it isn't a problem with him - "you don't feel like sex now" as opposed to "you don't feel like sex with HIM now". 

Keep track (roughly) of how often you have sex. Try to make sure it isn't gradually dwindling away. You haven't done this, but some lower desire people try to "ween" their partners away from sex gradually over time - it doesn't work, its obvious and its frustrating. 

Try not to imply you want sex, then change your mind. Its OK if things really do change, but its really frustrating to have a partner give all sorts of hints and them decide "no" at the last minute.

He will probably take care of himself when you don't want sex and he does. That's fine, but its one more reason to give hints early. 

Depending on how you think about it, you might do something quick for him (BJ, HJ,etc) if you aren't feeling like full sex. It depends though on what he likes, and whether or not this is a real "chore", or something that is sort of fun to do even if you aren't really in the mood.

Even if he wants sex more often than you, be sure that he isn't the one who always asks. At times when you want it - be sure to let him know. Make sure he understands that you want sex with him, just not all the time.


Its good of you to be concerned about how this affects him. I hope he is concerned about you as well. It sounds like your levels of desire are not that far off, so it should be possible to find a frequency that works for both of you.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sometimes you're just not in the mood...you don't feel sexy or you're just feeling down for whatever reason. I think it's ok to admit when you're not in the mood as long as you don't make it a habit and definitely do your best to provide some insight as to why you're not feeling it that day. Don't just make something up. Really try to figure it out and share your thoughts with your husband. Also,keep in mind that sometimes when you're not feeling it,the best remedy is to give him a chance to get you there.


:iagree:

If I'm not feeling it I will say, "I'm not really in the mood. But your welcome to try and get me there."

Sometimes all it takes is a little effort on their part to make you feel loved and sexy, and get your motor running.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Ariel_Angel77
> This is a really tough one. Being turned down for sex is really frustrating and a huge blow to the ego. Having sex with you don't want to makes it a chore and generates resentment. A difficult problem for a lot of couples
> 
> A few questions: When you do have sex does it go well. Is he attentive to your needs. Do you do all the things he likes? I'm trying to understand if you have a good sex life other than issues with frequency.
> ...


Good morning richardsharpe.

Our sex life is wonderful. He always takes care of my needs and tries to get me off rather than thinking of getting himself off. He is a very selfless lover. I normally enjoy sex. That's why we do it so often. I make sure to do it with him at least every other day, but when I *do* turn him down those few times, I feel really bad and wonder if I should never turn him down even once in a blue moon.

Our sex life has suffered, however, since he was emotionally abusive (not sure if you read my other thread) but he would threaten to leave (hurt me SO MUCH) and it took a huge hit in my feelings for him. I'm afraid to go back to "that place" where I am able to get hurt by him to that degree again. We got marriage counseling and the abuse stopped and he COMPLETELY changed but I am still having a hard time with my feelings about it. Before, i wanted sex every day pretty much, and was the one to initiate. Now I would be fine doing it once or twice a week (but I do it more often for him.) I feel like I just want it to end after 10 minutes. Maybe I am not making myself available enough emotionally and that is why. But my desire has suffered because of that.

Yes, last night I did give him a BJ since I wasn't in the mood and he really appreciated it. But he wanted sex after that and told me either we have sex or he will take care of it himself. I felt like it should have been my responsibility to do it with him.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If I'm not feeling it I will say, "I'm not really in the mood. But your welcome to try and get me there."
> 
> Sometimes all it takes is a little effort on their part to make you feel loved and sexy, and get your motor running.


This is a wonderful idea. Thank you TheCuriousWife and Scarlet Begonias.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Ariel_angel77
OK I looked at the other post. I take the other stuff back, he just sounds like an AS*****. :loser:

It sounds like there are much deeper problems that disagreeing over the frequency of your sex life. Maybe those problems are fixed now, but it doesn't sound like it. 

Your offering him a BJ when you weren't in the mood was extremely nice of you. Certainly he has the right to finish himself if he wants, but in no way should he make it sound like he is complaining after you did him such an intimate favor. 

Honestly I think you deserve better. There are so many men out there who would think themselves incredibly lucky to find someone like you. 

Maybe the other post has pushed my opinion too far the other way. Its really difficult to get a feel for what someone's life is like from just reading a few lines of text

best wishes.



ariel_angel77 said:


> Good morning richardsharpe.
> 
> Our sex life is wonderful. He always takes care of my needs and tries to get me off rather than thinking of getting himself off. He is a very selfless lover. I normally enjoy sex. That's why we do it so often. I make sure to do it with him at least every other day, but when I *do* turn him down those few times, I feel really bad and wonder if I should never turn him down even once in a blue moon.
> 
> ...


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Ariel_angel77
> OK I looked at the other post. I take the other stuff back, he just sounds like an AS*****. :loser:
> 
> It sounds like there are much deeper problems that disagreeing over the frequency of your sex life. Maybe those problems are fixed now, but it doesn't sound like it.
> ...


Thanks for the input richardsharpe. As far as the abusive behaviors, we got marriage counseling and he has completely changed. It is hard for me to emotionally adapt though, but I am getting there slowly.  I understand your change in opinion on the issue. Lots of people in that thread felt the same.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Ariel_angel77
> OK I looked at the other post. I take the other stuff back, he just sounds like an AS*****. :loser:
> 
> It sounds like there are much deeper problems that disagreeing over the frequency of your sex life. Maybe those problems are fixed now, but it doesn't sound like it.
> ...



:iagree:

After looking at your other posts, I have also came to the conclusion that your husband is a jerk. And abusive.

There is no way I'd be having sex with that man. No wonder you turn him down!

Next time he threatens to leave tell him to hurry up and please go. Better yet, get rid of him today.

You guys have a lot of problems, and I just don't see this being a happy marriage long term for you. Just my humble opinion.

Good luck.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> After looking at your other posts, I have also came to the conclusion that your husband is a jerk. And abusive.
> 
> ...


Believe me, if he ever becomes abusive again, or threatens to leave, he can leave my apartment and not come back (it's mine through my college).

Do you guys really think I should still find better after we went to marriage counseling and the behavior changed?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Believe me, if he ever becomes abusive again, or threatens to leave, he can leave my apartment and not come back (it's mine through my college).
> 
> Do you guys really think I should still find better after we went to marriage counseling and the behavior changed?


Yes. There is a lot of bad things going on in your marriage. 

Not sticking up for you around his family. Red flag.

Threatening to leave all the time. Red flag.

Emotionally abusive. Red flag. 

Problems with porn, giving you a "free pass", frequently calling you lazy, lying often, etc, etc, etc. 

Too many issues to even count. 

I'd be getting out of that hot mess. But that's just me. 

I put up with my lackluster sex life. But if my husband ever started lying, abusing, or disrespecting me the way your husband does over and over. He would find his rear kicked to the curb. 

I grew up with an emotionally abusive father. I won't put up with that crap again. Husband never says things to me with hurtful intentions or with malice. That is a deal breaker for me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have to say it must be very hard to be a modern woman. On back to [back] pages of any woman's magazine are two articles, one that tells you about the 10 (bizarre) things to 'rock your man's world, in bed. And the other one which lists the 3.45x10^14 different things have to fall in place for a woman to be 'truly in the mood'.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Believe me, if he ever becomes abusive again, or threatens to leave, he can leave my apartment and not come back (it's mine through my college).
> 
> Do you guys really think I should still find better after we went to marriage counseling and the behavior changed?


Ariel how are things now? What do you see as issues that still need to be worked on? If there are remaining issues does he admit to them and see them as something he needs to work on? Are there issues you see as dealbreakers if they don't change?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yes. There is a lot of bad things going on in your marriage.
> 
> Not sticking up for you around his family. Red flag.
> 
> ...


But Curious I believe she has said some of these things have changed since counseling? 

The thing I am curious about though Ariel is you have said he threatened to leave YOU if you guys didn't get counseling. What issues was he having with you?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

For clarification, yes, we got marriage counseling and the abuse stopped. Committed4life, what you're referring to is when he told me that *I'm* the one who was mentally abusive and that I needed to change or else he needed to leave. He later explained that he was just trying to hurt me and make me feel like I had the problems when he said that, to project the attention off him.

As far as now, we no longer have problems. I was literally about to separate when he completely changed. I told the counselor that day in MC that I no longer wanted to be with my husband and I had fallen out of love with him. H made a 180 turn around that day and has not deviated since. He had made SOME progress at that point, but it hadn't been full hearted. Now, he never says anything negative about me, never threatens to leave, never makes me feel bad, never turns it around on me when I get angry at him. He is very quick to apologize and change his behavior if he does something wrong. 

The things he does wrong is that he still doesn't stand up to his family for me, he doesn't help with the baby THAT much (although more than he did before), and he can be a huge jerk sometimes. It's a small occurrence, though. HUGE change from before.

Anyway, my main point is that it's hard to go back to the same place emotionally since the abuse, and it affects my drive.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Ariel

Don't be too hard on yourself. When a person has been through what you've been through you can't expect your feelings to change overnight. It's great that your husband has changed. We all hope that it sticks. It's perfectly normal for you to mistrust those changes and not fully commit emotionally once again. It will take time. You both have to be patient. 

It's like if you gott hit hard in the arm. Just because the hit is over doesn't mean you arm won't be sore while it heals. And sometimes if the hit was hard enough it never fully heals and will continue to hurt from time to time for the rest of your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Once a month. _Use it wisely._


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