# Distraught - Ashamed - Angry - Help!



## knowledgeinlatin (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't know if there is an answer, or if I just need to get this out of my system and hear opinions. But I know that I can't keep this in.

I'll keep background brief. I have been with my partner for 19 years. We had a year break early, but got back together and married, almost 14 years ago. Sex has never been anything great, but early in the relationship things were on occasion fun. She is 7 years older than me, had been to college and has had more sexual partners than me, including multiple one night stands. 

I had only 3 partners before I met her, all of which were at best 'fumbling around' inexperienced sexual situatuons. So I went into the relationship very unsure, especially becuase of the age difference (my expectation was that she knew what she wanted etc...).

My wife will only orgasm alone, and calls it a physical need!!! Just once, very early in our relationship, she came during our lovemaking. She claimed that this was the first time that had happened (I do believe this).

So the situatuon: As with many marriage, things have declined. So much so that we took counciling. I have been committed to maiking things work, as has she. However the sex discussion has been the stumbling block. She has known a long time that I wanted to improve things (around 10 years). But we never really talk about it, and in the interim we have had kids etc. It has not ever been given a priority. To her credit she recognizes that sex is a need of mine, and we have been having regular sex, including oral just to please me. But it's not enough. She is just not present in the act, there is no connection and for years I have begun to feel pushed away.

So. Sex is now the discussion point in our therapy, and this has led to a conversation that has blown my world apart.

My wife claims to not really know what turns her on. However during the years I have learned of her past and know that she had 'really good' sex once. Turns out this was a one night stand. As it was discussed it was described "really knew what he was doing", "seemed to do want he wanted". So I'm here, approaching 40, and feeling like a complete fool. Realy willing to do anything to please her, and I know that when there is connection in the act I lose any inhibitions. But it has been so long now I just feel like a bumbling teen. So I confessed about my apprehension, the fact that all I need is confidence to take control, but right now I lack it. Our councilor has given us the homework of 'discovering' each other, with non-genital touch. My wife is keen, thinks it's needed. I am willing, but scared.

HOWEVER, she also restated that sex was not that important in the relationship. We talked about what she likes... I get a list of what not to do. Then the bombshell. Turns out I have NEVER done anything that she said 'did anything for her'.

Stunned! I was already stewing over the fact that some ****-sure son of a ***** gave her something I could not, but that was a blow to my confidence I just cannot take. She also said that the sex we do have makes her feel like a prostitute as she knows it's about 'keeping her husband'. WOW! I so want her to be happy, and instead I am making it worse.

SO: This 'discovery' session is scheduled for this weekend. Right now I don't know how to feel. In all honesty I love her, but in a way that is more best friend. Years of poor sex has (for me) taken the romance connection out of this. I just know so much would be better if the sex had more focus. And, yes there are other issues in the marriage, and until this talk, I was 100% committed to them.

I guess some may say that this is a great oppurtunity to start again. But frankly, knowing that for almost 20 years she has hidden the fact that I am not doing it for her, really makes this a situation I can't handle.

I'm angry that she has never said anything. I am hurt and embarassed about this fact. I am hurt and jealous of her past. I just don't know what to do. I feel like it would be easier at this point to be with someone else (sexually) as there wouldn't be any expectations or prior knowledge. I would still love to have better sexual connection with my wife, so that rules out an affair. But hell, I just feel like **** right now.

Sorry for the rambling, had to get it out of my head. And I'd love some thoughts or suggestions.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Hard to know what to say or suggest. You're totally justified in being upset. 

This is going to be a hard road ahead but is she willing to do some exploration with you to find out what is going to work? She will orgasm on her own so how about her sharing some of those techniques with you? Maybe you can duplicate what she's doing for a start? Do you go down on her? 

How about doing something as simple as bringing some toys into the bedroom. Get some small vibrators that you can use on her before and during sex. Maybe you need to be a little more assertive. She said she liked the fact that in this other experience the other guy did what he wanted. Maybe taking a more assertive approach will be more of a turn on for her. 

Don't even tell her you're getting any vibrators, just go get them. The stores I've been in usually have helpful ladies that are more then happy to make suggestions. Bring them out at your next session and tell her she's going to cum whether she wants to or not. Make sure she has at least 1 orgasm before you have sex with her. And while you're having sex use the vibrator to stimulate her and have her orgasm while you're having intercourse.


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## knowledgeinlatin (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for your thoughts mike. I wish it were that easy. I had previously bought toys in the hope they could be used to improve things. They never came out. But they had plenty of use when I wasn't there. To make it worse, she recently tossed them away becuase she says it was just to easy to orgasm that way, and didn't want to be desenstized to manual stimulation (not that my hand has that pleasure).

Yes, I go down, love to in fact. But again, she is uncomfortable with it which means I don't ever get the chance to get any better at it. Every where I turn there is a roadblock.

I like the idea of just doing it..... I am tired of lacking the confidence, and perhaps I can just channel this anger into the act. I just hate to think what will happen if that backfires.


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## knowledgeinlatin (Apr 29, 2010)

I've tried to get to the heart of this as well. Yes, there is a reluctance to let go when I'm around. She just can't get 'over the edge' if she isn't alone.

The difference here is 'what turns her on'. It seems to me that she is never 'turned on' for lovemaking. When she is turned on (physical need) it is simply a sign that she needs to take care of it. I hate that! She has made it clear before that her 'physical need' is not the same as wanting sex (yeah right!).

That habit seems to have become so ingrained that she wont even see her desire (to self pleasure) as part of what leads to love making.

Gah! I just hate the vicious cycle. It is clear that she really just doesn't want it (with me), and can take care of her needs.


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## knowledgeinlatin (Apr 29, 2010)

Well it's usually done with lights out, half light or candle light anyhow. But if turning her back on me works then I'm all for it.  

Just so long as the goal is to turn around next.

Good idea though. I'm sure we'll have a chance to talk it over in the coming days/weeks.


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

I don't have much advice, but wanted to sympathize with your situation, as I'm pretty much in the same boat. I lost my virginity to my husband 18 months ago. He is 13 years older than me, and has had every kind of sexual experience you can imagine (long string of girlfriends, one-night stands, group sex, etc.). We don't have much of a sex life, as he has no sex drive. So you can imagine how much I resent his past, and how it feels like the women in his past have taken him from me. I completely understand your anger and jealousy. 

We are also going to therapy, and our therapists is going to put us on the "Sense Aid" program soon, which is supposed to help us with our sex life. It sounds like you are on a similar program, so let me know if it works for you!


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I think I can offer a little insight as I am in your wife's boat but steady progress has been made in the bedroom thus far. 
I think a lot of women out there (myself included) grow into womanhood believing that all men are sex hounds and want it constantly and have probably done more women than I have pairs of shoes. So, naturally we assume that you are going to come in the bedroom swinging it. But, it's truly sad to think this way... especially when we come across a man we love beyond belief and have great attraction to but his attitude and confidence in the bedroom is lacking to the point it causes tension sexually. The husband is shy, timid, constantly worrying and scared of a poor performance or humiliation. He may freak himself out so much that he may turn away from sex or merely participate and not relax or enjoy. Women are keen to sensing your hang ups on sex but women arent so much bagging on your "manliness" in her mind... she immediately asks herself "whats wrong with me? why doesnt he want me?" 
You have to understand she wants you to fill that void because a woman never feels more beautiful than when a man she loves lusts with desire for her without reservations. 
Time goes by and you have the neverending discussions or arguments about "its not you" or maybe no discussion only silence. She begins to die sexually because she feels her performance wouldnt have an inpact on you. To her you dont even like sex! She begins to get sad then angry, sometimes spitefull because she just wants you to take charge and master her below the waist. 
My husband is a big flirt and so hot... I had no idea he was inexperienced because he came off as a previous player when we were dating. Truth was he mastered everything up until the point of sex. His anxiety about sex was and still sometimes is so crippling that he looks like he slips into a silent coma with eyes open. I asked him what he thinks about and he said he worries about getting me off... the literal event of an orgasm. 
I explained to him that he doesnt lack ability to perform nor knowledge of my body... he just lacks the theatrical performance part of sex. Nobody is always truly comfy during the act but sex is soo much easier if you focus on your performance or "attitude" during foreplay. My best lovers were men that were gentle but strong, and looked at me like I was a piece of beautiful artwork he had to have. He would toy with me and make me wait a little for my reward... but he also allowed himself to be lost in the moment vulnerable at times too. Sound hard? it is. But you have to find courage within and forgive yourself for some trial and error to find a sexual identity that is strong, sexy and confident. Watch sexy tapes and take notes of scenes u found appealing or admireable. Sure they are fiction but they can also be a starting point for inspiration. 
Trust me your wife hasnt lost sexual desire for you... she just doesnt know you in the bedroom because you havent found him yet either 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knowledgeinlatin (Apr 29, 2010)

@gerrypony, I think you really hit the nail on the head there. Jealousy is not sometihng I'm happy about, it's such an ugly emotion. But you are right, in this situation it feels as though her past actually has taken something away from me.

@lovelieswithin. How I wish and hope what you say is true. Sadly she didn't say 'you used to do things for me, but not so much anymore", or "you've never really done anything for me, _but I really would love you to_". Either one would have relieved the anguish to some degree and give me just a little more hope.

I really hope that my lacking in confidence is not the whole reason here. That it's entirely possible is a nasty thought. I have always been the nice guy, lot's of 'girl'friends, but no dates (I hate the word 'cute' becuase of this), a romantic. Afterer all here, I was the guy out of all of her past relationships, that she wanted to marry.... that's a huge win. Why though was this sex concern of hers not raised before we walked down the isle. We knew we could improve, but to withhold the truth!! It just sounds to me like there is no longer desire and there may never have been. Sex is just not what I provide for her, regardless of what I may want. 

Thanks for the thoughts all. It has made it just a little easier to carry on around the the home and her as if nothing is bothering me. 

I will definately come back with an update as time passes.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'll add a short thought to this - the "explosive sex" she had once with a guy - I think she's trying communicate that for some reason she opened up that night and was pleased physically.

But it has nothing to do with him more than likely.

Women give themselves orgasms, not their partner. There comes a time during the act, they close their eyes, maybe even fantasize about someone else (well, never with me  ) and that's okay, and they get off.

For whatever reason, that night she let go and for some reason she never has learned to let go since then and make sex a regular part of herself and being.

I am just saying, as difficult as it is, you can't take this personally - she's got issues, not you. But I think it's salvagable and I wish you luck.


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