# Wife is self conscious about her body



## Matt0 (Dec 29, 2014)

Hi all, My wife of 5 years has always been very self conscious about her body even though she a very good looking woman, but after the birth of our 2nd child 4 months ago she has gotten much worse. She has lost almost all of the weight from the pregnancy already but reminds me at least once a day that she weighs over 30 lbs more than when we met. She also now has a second scar from a C-section. She has been complaining about the first one since the birth of our first child so I can't see that getting any better. Whenever the subject of her weight or scars come up I tell her that she looks great but she doesn't believe me. She says things like 'you have to say that because you're my husband' and other times just doesn't understand why I'm attracted to her. She gets uncomfortable when I see her naked and prefers to keep some of her clothes on when we are intimate. 

For years we have had sex 2 or 3 times a month which is less than I would like but I've come of accept it as an ok amount for us, but since the 2nd child we've only had sex once. Whenever I try she tells me shes just not feeling sexy.

More sex would be awesome but this post isn't just about that, I really want her to be happy with herself and I don't know how to make her feel attractive or sexy. Any insight or advice would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you ever asked your wife what it would take for her to feel good about her body?

Your wife needs to go to counseling to figure out how to get over this.

Can you afford any plastic surgery to make the scare less noticeable?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She was rather tardy with sex before these new body changes. One excuse is as good as another. If she had been burning up the sheets before the C section, you might have a wife with a new image problem. I suspect you have one who never just raced to the bedroom and now she has a handy excuse. If those 30 lbs were truly bothering her, she'd be working out or dieting instead of talking about it.


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## Matt0 (Dec 29, 2014)

Thanks for the quick responses, she does do some exersize and diet and it helped her loose some weight but she has it in her head that she won't be attractive again unless shes 110 like she was when she was 18 and thats just not going to happen. As is, 140 is a pretty healthy and attractive weight. You're right that she was never racing to the bedroom but Im looking at a complete loss of interest of sex and thats not like her.

Counselings not a bad idea, might talk to her about that if nothing else helps. I have no idea what plastic surgery would cost, probably too much but its possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife acting very depressed lately?


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## Matt0 (Dec 29, 2014)

Not really, though now that you mention it she has been off of her anxiety meds because of the pregnancy and nursing. It seems possible that that could have something to do with it, doesn't it?


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I have stretch marks and extra skin that will NEVER go away - I know women who have had tummy tucks and it makes it worse in my opinion - you're trading scars for a much larger one, unless there are other ways of doing it now. It's also extremely painful.

I work out and am in great shape except for the above mentioned scars. 

I too don't like "showing them off" during sex. 

Some ways around it that make me feel VERY sexy are pulling a skirt up & around the part I find unattractive - and it's hot (to me anyway!)
Or I pull my shirt down around it.

I know it's not totally naked, baring yourself to your partner ... but those might be a couple of ways to help her feel sexier or more comfortable. 

I also think counseling is a great idea for her & she should also speak to her doc about alternative meds that won't excrete into breastmilk. 

Good luck


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

My 2c, don't focus on trying to 'fix the problem' (plastic surgery?!), focus on reassuring her that she is a gorgeous, attractive woman. Work on her mind, not her body. 

You'll have to figure out how to do the following, as you know her best (hopefully): 
Let her know that you find her irresistible, sensual, mind blowingly desirable. That you're not in love with an 18 year old girl, but a grown woman, a MILF. When she ties to blow off your compliments "as you're her husband", gently pull her to you, hold her, take her face in your hands, and look her straight in the eyes and let her know that you're not saying this as her husband, but as her Man. The Man who desires her, needs her, WANTS her. Let her see the truth of what you say, what you feel, in your eyes. She will see it, and it will rock her world.

I'd also suggest, for you, reading Married Man's Sex Life Primer. It may help you with your situation.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

In my experience, just about all women are conscious of their bodies and their self-perceived flaws.

I don't have a great deal of experience, but I can tell you that women (and men) who genuinely LIKE sex don't let body image get in the way, and/or use their body as an excuse - especially with their partners (provided their partners aren't negative in terms of how they look).

I've been with women who have had "beach bodies" yet who used the "not feeling sexy" line to avoid sex, and I've been with women who... do not... have beach bodies who have never used it as an excuse. I've been with women who I've never seen completely naked (even though I'd have loved to) and I've been with plus-sized women who get fully naked within 10 seconds of making out.

It rarely makes sense to me, or to most of us guys. Unless you have a tail, there's really nothing about you, naked, that we're going to be turned off by, regardless of your size/weight/stretch marks/scars. What IS sexy is confidence. The absolute sexiest woman I've ever been with was a good 80lbs overweight. She made her body sexy by not acting as though it wasn't.

The least turned on I've ever been with a partner was a woman who could have rocked a bikini like she invented it, yet I NEVER saw her breasts as long as I was with her. Not even with just a bra on. She was so self conscious of her small chest (something I made very clear to her that I LIKE) that she never even took her shirt off, let alone bra. Not sexy AT ALL.

But to me, when you're WITH somebody, esp. married, there's something else going on. No, you don't have to love your body, but you know what? Your partner probably doesn't really care. It's YOU they're attracted to. Rock it, whatever "it" is. There's not much worse in the bedroom than hearing "I don't feel sexy".


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A lot of women struggle with this issue. We're all given constant messages that we should look like altered images.....i showed my hb an unedited photo of his favorite swimsuit model at the beach and he didn't recognize her. She looked ok, but nothing extraordinary. This site is full of men advising other hurt men to find someone younger, because that's where the value is right? Throw in porn and that further erodes women's self esteem. Men don't like to acknowledge this because many are very protective of porn but it is what it is.

I'm 40 and in very good shape but are things exactly what they were 20 years and 2 kids ago? Of course not, and it took me until my late 30's to be ok with that. And I'm only ok with it if I'm working out hard.


So this is something to keep in mind if you're a porn viewer and your wife knows it, but her body image is something she'll have to square. Tell her that you think what she sees is much different then what you do but you want her to be happy so let you know what you can do to help.

Also understand that many women with a baby don't feel sexy, they're still healing and it's hard to switch between mom and wife. Make sure you're having date nights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lifeistooshort said:


> A lot of women struggle with this issue. We're all given constant messages that we should look like altered images.....i showed my hb an unedited photo of his favorite swimsuit model at the beach and he didn't recognize her. She looked ok, but nothing extraordinary. This site is full of men advising other hurt men to find someone younger, because that's where the value is right? Throw in porn and that further erodes women's self esteem. Men don't like to acknowledge this because many are very protective of porn but it is what it is.
> 
> I'm 40 and in very good shape but are things exactly what they were 20 years and 2 kids ago? Of course not, and it took me until my late 30's to be ok with that. And I'm only ok with it if I'm working out hard.
> 
> ...


It's completely understandable to me if you're single and dating. I get that. But when you've been with someone for x number of years, where does the self consciousness come from? That's the part I don't get.

Is it so pervasive in our culture that it transcends love?

I'm not advocating letting ones self go after getting comfortable, both people should always attempt to maintain attraction to one another, but people age, things sag, stretch marks and scars are accumulated, etc. It happens to us guys, too.

I'm just curious as to how, or why, ones self image becomes such an issue with the people we love. If one is no longer comfortable with their body in public, I can understand that. But at home, in the privacy of your own bedroom, I can't understand.

I get the impression that far too many women think that we men are constantly judging, including our wives. Most of us are not. 99% of us are attracted to YOU, warts and all. 99% of us men are very aware that bodies change, including our own, and 99% of us do not expect you to have the body at 40 that you did at 25. That doesn't make you less sexy.

I think we can blame society and men in general as much as we want, but the reality is that it's not as pervasive as one would think.

Again, I liken it to the penis size "debates". MOST women do not care. There is a much wider margin for acceptance than many men think. Yet too many of us guys think we need 7 or 8 inches for women to be attracted to us. So many men who are 5 or 6 inches feel inadequate, which is ludicrous.

Just as ludicrous as women who have aged, gained weight, have stretch marks, etc. think they are no longer attractive.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Let her read this thread


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

It is very hard for some women, this realization that we will never be considered attractive again. Alexm's kind words are kind, but they aren't exactly true. Women watch themselves grow increasingly invisible, just as we watch our men lusting after photoshopped cuties, and complaining here about how their wives don't try hard enough to look good for them.

If I ask my SO if he thinks I'm beautiful, he will say yes, but only because he knows it will hurt my feelings to tell me the truth. 

I personally don't let this stop me from wanting or having sex, but I can certainly sympathize with those who do. It is hard to keep believing in a connection when you know your partner would just as soon have someone else.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

DayOne said:


> My 2c, don't focus on trying to 'fix the problem' (plastic surgery?!), focus on reassuring her that she is a gorgeous, attractive woman. Work on her mind, not her body.
> 
> You'll have to figure out how to do the following, as you know her best (hopefully):
> Let her know that you find her irresistible, sensual, mind blowingly desirable. That you're not in love with an 18 year old girl, but a grown woman, a MILF. When she ties to blow off your compliments "as you're her husband", gently pull her to you, hold her, take her face in your hands, and look her straight in the eyes and let her know that you're not saying this as her husband, but as her Man. The Man who desires her, needs her, WANTS her. Let her see the truth of what you say, what you feel, in your eyes. She will see it, and it will rock her world.


:iagree::iagree:

I love the above recommendation. Plastic surgery won't fix her self-esteem/body image issues, as it is a mental block she has to learn to overcome. You can be a big help in her doing just that by the above recommendation. I have multiple scars from surgeries(9 inch scar, 5inch scar, etc.) and stretch marks galore, and it took some time for me to come to grips with that. My husband really helped me to accept my body, as he never changed the way he looked at me. It made the world of a difference as he wanted me/my body, and wasn't lusting after some woman in porn or random 'celebrity'. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Also understand that many women with a baby don't feel sexy, they're still healing and it's hard to switch between mom and wife. Make sure you're having date nights.


Date nights will be a big help as well to remind her that she is more than just a mom. It'll be good for both of you to get away for a few hours to reconnect as a couple.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

alexm said:


> It's completely understandable to me if you're single and dating. I get that. But when you've been with someone for x number of years, where does the self consciousness come from? That's the part I don't get.
> 
> Is it so pervasive in our culture that it transcends love?
> 
> ...


I get your confusion but I don't think it's the same thing. You don't see images of airbrushed, altered, surgically enhanced penises everywhere you look. Childbirth doesn't damage it and with the exception of it working a little differently not much changes about it with age. Also remember that while your size might be on your mind men aren't raised value themselves on it and women aren't raised to value men that way. Women are raised to believe that their looks are their most valuable commodity and many men consider this above all else. Just look at what guys put up with for a hot woman, there's guys here that are treated like crap by their wives and all they can do is repeat how beautiful she is. Guys here are usually advised to find someone younger and hotter..... not a woman of character, but younger and hotter. Because that's what really matters.....you are never going to see a divorced woman advised to find a younger, bigger penis.

So the logical conclusion is that you really want younger and hotter, but you'll put up with us as long as we behave. Sure you took vows and it's great you're standing by them, and since you need sex your wife is convenient, but you'd prefer what you see in print and porn. This is a glimpse into what a woman with very poor body image is thinking. Heck, even women with good body image often think this. 

I tried to explain this to a 50 something year old friend of mine that's constantly setting up online profiles looking for 20 somethings. He has absolutely nothing that would appeal to a decent 20 something besides a good job, but he, like many guys, has received the message that this is enough. He decided that in a different life he'd like me so he expanded his age bracket to include my age (40). I told him that I'd never be interested in such a profile because I'd see 25-40 and assume he really wanted 25 but he'd put up with me.

Everybody buys into this, both men and women. Marketing is powerful, if it wasn't it wouldn't be so valuable. Some of it the guy can't do anything any and his wife has to square it herself, but it's helpful if a guy has a rudimentary understanding of where this comes from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

always_alone said:


> If I ask my SO if he thinks I'm beautiful, he will say yes, but only because he knows it will hurt my feelings to tell me the truth.


I respectfully disagree with this statement.

I can only give you MY opinion based on MY experience, but I can assure you that we men generally do not feel this way. Any more than you wives and girlfriends really care about the size of your man's penis. Sure, you may wish it was bigger (or smaller), but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter one ounce to you, does it? You love him, it works, it's all good. But if he constantly frets over his penis, it's a total turn off, isn't it?

My wife is beautiful and physically desirable to me and always will be. Yes, because I love her, but isn't that what love is about?

20 year old me might see my wife, at near 40, in a bikini and not find her attractive. But 20 year old me would think 40 is OLD. Now near-40 year old me sees my wife in a bikini (or naked!) and thinks "holy ****, what a great body!" - which is true. It's DAMN true. And it's not a case of "she looks good for 37" at all.

So what I am saying is that when somebody loves you, it is not a case of saying things to appease you. Your SO very very likely DOES find you beautiful, but the thing is, it's in a different way than we all define beauty when we're 20 - which is good.

So for a woman who is not 20 to go out in the world and be insulted because she no longer fits the stereotype of what is "sexy" is ridiculous and self-damaging. Does it matter if 20 year old guys are drooling over you or not? Does it even matter if men your age are doing so?

What matters is that your SO/husband is. And as long as he's still trying to have sex with you, then you're good, nothing to worry about.

And, irony of all ironies, is that there is nothing less sexy to us men than a woman who does not rock her body, no matter what it looks like. That's the truth. You own your sexuality, not your husband, or anybody else. It is what YOU make of it, 40lbs extra or not. And if you're making love with your partner and you just can't bring yourself to do certain positions, or you feel you need to cover your belly/butt/boobs/whatever - that is UNsexy, decidedly so.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lifeistooshort said:


> I get your confusion but I don't think it's the same thing. You don't see images of airbrushed, altered, surgically enhanced penises everywhere you look.
> 
> *Not penises, no, but men, yes.*
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> It is very hard for some women, this realization that we will never be considered attractive again. Alexm's kind words are kind, but they aren't exactly true. *Women watch themselves grow increasingly invisible, just as we watch our men lusting after photoshopped cuties, and complaining here about how their wives don't try hard enough to look good for them.*
> 
> .


I don't see this. I'm sorry if this feels like I'm picking on you but you post this kind of stuff all the time and I just don't see it and don't agree with how you come to these conclusions.

I've seen more threads from husbands not understanding why their wives don't feel good about themselves, BY FAR, than threads from husbands about their fat aging wives. By Far more!

I don't see it in real life either.

The same can be said in reverse. I lust after pics of Daniel Craig and George Clooney with their tight asses and abs, yet my husband is never threatened by this.

I used to have real body image problems. I was a size 8 and felt fat and gross! It was crazy stupid! I am not a size 10 and feel very confident is my sexiness! 

It doesn't come from external sources. It doesn't come from magazines or air brushed ads or reassurance from our spouses (though that is an important component) It comes from within. It takes working on ourselves, accepting who we are and loving who we are scars and all to feel confident. 

Body image issues will affect a woman's sex drive. If she doesn't like what she is sharing she sees no value in sharing it. If she hates what she sees in the mirror, she will hate sharing it.

OP, tell your wife you will not tolerate her hating her body! Say it strong and often! Tell her that he scars are beautiful and that they remind you of the life she nurtured and brought forth! Kiss those scars often. Love them, ask to see them. Make her show them to you and when she does remind her of what those scars mean! 

Women tend to dissect our body and we have to stop doing this to ourselves! Why do we do this? We hate it when men do it yet we do it to ourselves? Are we not more than a boob, more than an ass? Why do we allow undernourished people to make us feel inadequate


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Alexm, again your words are kind and I'm sincerely happy to hear you genuinely find your wife beautiful.

But your experience does not reflect mine. I have been told I look "fine", but always with the qualifier "for my age". I know for a fact (he told me) that he finds most of his female friends, and probably most women more sexually desirable than me. I have had my flaws pointed out to me, just in case, I suppose, that I was unaware of them. I am reminded that I don't compare in many ways from many different sources.


Anon Pink: Yes, I have seen many men here lament their wives' body image issues. But I have also seen plenty of comparisons and complaints.

It is fine for you to tell me "buck up, looks aren't everything", but it's not like I am the only one who has had this sort of experience. Maybe you don't see it, but I do. All the time. Body image is a huge, huge issue for women, and we are constantly reminded of our lowering value as we age.

I personally am fine with my body. I honestly don't quite get why it isn't good enough, especially when you realize how much photoshopping goes into typical "hot". But my estimation doesn't really make any difference to how others perceive me.

Everyone always says that "confidence" is sexy, and it's all in the attitude. But while confidence can help, it can also be deemed misplaced.

For example, there was a guy here who was shuddering because he found this woman quite attractive from a distance, but when he got up close, realized that she was *gasp* old. Or a complaint I heard from a guy who found his gfs efforts to be sexy for him (wearing lingerie) made her look "ridiculous"

All of this is a longwinded way of saying that I agree with lifeistooshort that body image is a huge issue for women, and impacts us in very real ways, no matter how much confidence we have.

And some understanding of this can be helpful.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

always_alone said:


> Alexm, again your words are kind and I'm sincerely happy to hear you genuinely find your wife beautiful.
> 
> But your experience does not reflect mine. I have been told I look "fine", but always with the qualifier "for my age". I know for a fact (he told me) that he finds most of his female friends, and probably most women more sexually desirable than me. I have had my flaws pointed out to me, just in case, I suppose, that I was unaware of them. I am reminded that I don't compare in many ways from many different sources.
> 
> ...


It absolutely is, there's no question. It's not a valid piece of advice to say "just live with it", I realize that. But it's reality.

Truth be told, my wife does not at all have the stereotypical "sexy body" that many men think of. But *I* find it, and her, sexy. Like really sexy. It's not because she doesn't care about her body, she's conscious of it and there are things she doesn't like. But around ME, she doesn't hide or cover up. She's comfortable with ME, and she believes it when I tell her I find her sexy.

Your problem is your husband, clearly, as he doesn't give you that same comfort, therefore it shows. It's a vicious circle.

Also, he's a jerk.

But it is a circle. If she's not confident with her body with me, then I'm less attracted to her. If I don't do anything to help her feel good about her body, then she has no confidence around me.

Now, my wife was confident out of the box with me. No hiding and hoping I'd find her attractive. She just was. Whether it was fake at the beginning, I don't know. Could have been. She was 230lbs, very curvy, and what you young kids would call a BBW. I'm no chubby chaser (my ex was barely 95lbs) but she was SO damn sexy and owned her body and had no qualms about getting buck naked and turning around and bending over and showing off all her sides. THAT'S hot.

230lbs may not be everybody's cup of tea, but once it was poured for me, I loved it!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Alexm, again your words are kind and I'm sincerely happy to hear you genuinely find your wife beautiful.
> 
> But your experience does not reflect mine. I *have been told I look "fine", but always with the qualifier "for my age". I know for a fact (he told me) that he finds most of his female friends, and probably most women more sexually desirable than me. I have had my flaws pointed out to me, just in case, I suppose, that I was unaware of them. I am reminded that I don't compare in many ways from many different sources.*



WTF! Why are you still with this looser? Seriously? Why would you stay with a man who doesn't treasure you, who says these back handed half assed not really compliments but insults compliments?

For the record, I look fantastic, for my age. And I have zero qualms about the qualifier. I love being over 50 and have no desire to turn back time, except having that level of energy I had in my 20's...that would be awesome!



> Anon Pink: Yes, I have seen many men here lament their wives' body image issues. But I have also seen plenty of comparisons and complaints.


In the two years I've been here, I've seen maybe 50 threads that concerned a wife's negative body image and only about 5 that have been about a fat sloppy aging wife.



> It is fine for you to tell me "buck up, looks aren't everything", but it's not like I am the only one who has had this sort of experience. Maybe you don't see it, but I do. All the time. Body image is a huge, huge issue for women, and we are constantly reminded of our lowering value as we age.


I'm not telling you to buck up, at all. I'm suggesting you place the blame where it belongs and that is with you. You are the person who continues a relationship with a pig of a man who insults his woman. You are the one who lacks enough self value to smack his ass to the gutter where he belongs for insulting you, never mind not taking care of you. 



> I personally am fine with my body. I honestly don't quite get why it isn't good enough, especially when you realize how much photoshopping goes into typical "hot". But my estimation doesn't really make any difference to how others perceive me.


I'm fine with my body too, flaws, floppy bits, scars and all. Anyone who would suggest my body isn't good enough can kiss my ass! An attitude you too can adopt. How others perceive my body isn't anywhere near as important as how *I* perceive my body.



> Everyone always says that "confidence" is sexy, and it's all in the attitude. But while confidence can help, it can also be deemed misplaced.
> 
> For example, there was a guy here who was shuddering because he found this woman quite attractive from a distance, but when he got up close, realized that she was *gasp* old. Or a complaint I heard from a guy who found his gfs efforts to be sexy for him (wearing lingerie) made her look "ridiculous"
> 
> ...



The guy who was shocked that he lusted after a hot body that belonged to an older woman... And what model of perfection was HE offering up? Does the dude even know what to do with that hot body? Or is he, as usual, talking out of his ass and blowing smoke. A real man who loves women and loves sex with women would never even think out loud something like that. Look to the messenger and not the message!

The dude who felt his GF's efforts to be sexy for him? I don't get what this has to do with you or me? Maybe his GF was wearing fur and he belongs to PITA? Who knows what his version of sexy was vs her version of sexy? All we know is that they didn't mesh.

Body image is very important for women, but we OWN that problem. It is not our spouses problem to solve but ours. Our spouses can offer support but we own it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

alexm said:


> From my POV, nothing could be further from the truth. My wife is not "convenient", sexually speaking. I don't desire her simply because she's there and I have no choice. I genuinely find my wife hot and sexy - because she IS. We can't go assuming that all guys, or even most guys, desire younger and fitter and that we reject age. It's just not true. Honestly, it's not. Far too many people have reached the conclusion that it must be true, therefore it is.


This literally made me snort my coffee. The thought that I love and YES lust after my wife because she's a "convenient" sexual outlet. 

Maybe I have a different take on convenience than others.
:rofl:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> This literally made me snort my coffee. The thought that I love and YES lust after my wife because she's a "convenient" sexual outlet.
> 
> Maybe I have a different take on convenience than others.
> :rofl:



Please be clear that I wasn't suggesting anyone thought this, I'm telling you that this goes through the minds of women with poor body image. If it was as simple as telling her op wouldn't be here, one has to understand the problem to address it.

You can tell an anorexic she's not fat until you're blue in the face but she won't believe you. You have to get at the root cause. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Welcome to Kwik-E-Mart. How can I make your sex life more convenient?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Please be clear that I wasn't suggesting anyone thought this, I'm telling you that this goes through the minds of women with poor body image. If it was as simple as telling her op wouldn't be here, one has to understand the problem to address it.
> 
> You can tell an anorexic she's not fat until you're blue in the face but she won't believe you. You have to get at the root cause.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right, no I get you. I'm just saying that my wife wouldn't consider herself convenient when it comes to sex. She and I are both square on that point at least.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This thread needs pics.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This thread needs pics.


I did my part.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Right, no I get you. I'm just saying that my wife wouldn't consider herself convenient when it comes to sex. She and I are both square on that point at least.


Sure, and I don't feel like that either because I feel otherwise valued and I'm fine with my body. I used to feel a little threatened by print and media when I was younger but now I realiz that life is too short lol: for my screen name!) and I feel kinda bad for people who spend their time obsessing over people that don't actually exist. I've made sure to tell my sons that no matter what they look at online or in print, if they're not looking at it in person it likely doesn't exist, at least not exactly like they see it. I think we'd all be better off if we could give the world a bit fat middle finger and enjoy our lives and our partners :smthumbup:


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I gotta say, one of the things that really helped smooth over my insecurities about my body in marriage specifically is that my husband doesn't talk out of two-sides of his mouth.

He isn't whacking it to porn chicks that look nothing like me. He isn't checking out women who literally have none of my features. Celebrities, randoms, whatever--I can tell that my husband doesn't want my personality packaged in a different body, it's my actual body that he likes. Not to say he doesn't like other types of women but I'm squarely in the camp of "yes," rather than "eh."

I've also rarely heard him criticize a woman's body at all. So rarely I'm having a hard time thinking of an example. Personality and actions, all the time. :rofl: Body, not so much.

I've been in relationships that were the exact opposite and never felt 100% comfortable because even if it's in my head there was enough outside reinforcement from him that I'm not "it" in his head that I didn't feel "it" enough to let go. 


On top of that, he doesn't avoid the parts of me that I think are flaws at all--he cherishes them. I have crazy bad days where I am the ugliest person on earth and he takes the "bad" and kisses them, loves them hugs them and caresses them. It's one of those things he has to force me to do and I'm forever thankful that he does. He has become my mirror which tells me I'm beautiful and reinforces it not by avoiding me but embracing me and my giant thighs which are constantly blowing out all of my pants.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Quick analogy that fits here, sort of.

My ex wife, as said, was c. 95lbs, and just under 5' tall.

When she went out (and I mean anywhere, concert, or grocery store) she got all dolled up, makeup, hair, clothes, the whole 9.

Let me paint you a picture - tiny, apparently fit woman, with a low cut, tight fitting shirt that barely covered her belly button. Low cut jeans, tight. Padded push-up bra. Straightened hair, an hour's worth of makeup. She turned heads.

She'd come home, up goes the hair, off goes the makeup, on goes the fuzzy slippers and bathrobe.

On the (rare) occasion there was any nudity, what you saw in public was not what you got at home. Previously 38DD boobs (she lost about 50lbs in the time I was with her) that were now tennis balls in socks, hanging down around her mid section. Chicken legs. NO butt whatsoever. And she hated her body. Which made it very difficult for me to like it, as it was always an issue.

But to see her dressed up, things moved and pushed here and there, you'd imagine her looking like most porn stars do naked. It was damn near a magic trick. I'm genuinely amazed she ever got naked in front of another man again, after me. Maybe it's always with the lights off? I literally can't imagine the first time she ever slept with somebody else. It must have absolutely killed her.

FYI, that's not to say I wouldn't have found her attractive - it has nothing to do with her body, and everything to do with how SHE perceived and hid and changed her body. She didn't OWN her body, she let what others thought get to her, and dressed according to this. A good hour, at least, just to go to the damn store.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

That's just it. My SO is not a loser, an a-hole, a prickly. He's a normal guy. 

Hearing hurtful things can be a consequence of insisting on honesty.

My point in posting is not about threadjacking with complaints of my terrible life. It is, hopefully, an insight into some of the issues and dynamics at play. 

Sure, ultimately his wife's body issues are all on her. But, how OP chooses to respond can make a huge difference for the better -- or for the worse.

I'm not talking about threads of men complaining about how fat and sloppy their wives are; I'm talking about all the little comments, and comparisons, and actions that individually seem like nothing, but start to pile up. And over a lifetime can seem like a mountain. 

A woman who will not be naked in front of her partner is likely facing such a mountain. Telling her it's a mirage is not going to help much because it's just as difficult to climb.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Low self esteem + 4 month old baby (lack of energy & sleep) + Currently in the middle of baby-weight loss = No interest in sex. It's not just how she views herself, this is just how a lot of mothers function at this point. Post-baby body feels like it came straight from hell. If she is still acting this way in a few months then I'd be more concerned, but as of right now I think this is very normal.

Since we're on the subject of low self esteem though, I'm not sure what causes it but it's very unpleasant for the person going through it. Support and encouragement are the only things I can think to suggest. Low self esteem can happen to anyone. I would consider myself good looking, I have done some small modeling gigs. But once it's time for sex I want my clothes on, the light off, all of that stuff. I know if I had confidence I would rock it, but I just don't have it in me at this point. I feel disappointed in myself for having low self esteem.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

One mans opinion. 

My wife is hot, it's what attracted me to her initially. In close to 20 years we've been together she's ranged or a size 4 to a 10 or 12 and back to a 4 - 6 lately. Makes NO difference to me, NONE. 

As far as all men wanting a 20 something let me tell you, I work at a university. Every fall 100's of new 18 year olds show up and the soph's, junior's and senior's return. I watch them All walk past between classes. Out of a thousand 18-22 year olds almost none of them do anything for me. Say 4 or 5 out of a thousand. 35+ is far more likely to pull my chain but even there someone I'd lust after just isn't that common. Now when I was younger and single...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

always_alone said:


> That's just it. My SO is not a loser, an a-hole, a prickly. * He's a normal guy. *
> 
> Hearing hurtful things can be a consequence of insisting on honesty.
> 
> ...


doesn't sound like a normal guy to me. My x had my two children. I loved every inch of her the day I met her to the day I found out about her affair. 20 year difference between those two dates but to me made absolutely no difference. I think overall men want a woman who takes care of herself but overall a woman's "flaws" means far more to a woman than a guy. This is all the guys I know anyway


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

alexm said:


> Let me paint you a picture - tiny, apparently fit woman, with a low cut, tight fitting shirt that barely covered her belly button. Low cut jeans, tight. Padded push-up bra. Straightened hair, an hour's worth of makeup. She turned heads.
> 
> She'd come home, up goes the hair, off goes the makeup, on goes the fuzzy slippers and bathrobe.
> 
> ...


But, Alexm, look at what you're saying here. She spent an hour making herself beautiful, to have that power to turn heads. But doing that was like "magic", really she just had chicken legs and ball-in-socks tits. You say it isn't really about her looks, but it is. With work, she turns heads effortlessly. Without work...

I'm sure you would have had much better sex with her, found her more attractive, if she would have just been confident about what she had. But no doubt she was well aware that your less than flattering portrait was exactly how many would describe her.

Hence the hour long dress up routine.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> That's just it. My SO is not a loser, an a-hole, a prickly. He's a normal guy.
> 
> Hearing hurtful things can be a consequence of insisting on honesty.
> 
> ...



I respectfully beg to differ Always. Any man who admits to his woman that he finds a whole list of other women more attractive than she is needs to GTFO!

Are you even listening to the men posting on this thread? Not one of them are saying their wives imperfections bother them, all of them are saying they find their wives uber sexy attractive. THATS normal and to be expected! Your man....not normal and not to be tolerated!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

always_alone said:


> But, Alexm, look at what you're saying here. She spent an hour making herself beautiful, to have that power to turn heads. But doing that was like "magic", really she just had chicken legs and ball-in-socks tits. You say it isn't really about her looks, but it is. With work, she turns heads effortlessly. Without work...
> 
> I'm sure you would have had much better sex with her, found her more attractive, if she would have just been confident about what she had. But no doubt she was well aware that your less than flattering portrait was exactly how many would describe her.
> 
> Hence the hour long dress up routine.


I promise you, this routine of hers had NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. I embraced and loved her and her body, and told her so. Whether she was a size 12 or a size 0 (at one point she could only fit into children's clothes).

She initially lost weight accidentally (change of job), and then it was on. Everybody told her how great she looked, blah blah blah. HUGE mistake. Her father told her he was PROUD of her for losing weight. How damaging is that?

I maintained my stance the entire time - I did not care. I never once said anything negative about her body, before, during or after this weight loss. This was all on her and how other people reacted to her weight loss. She discovered, unfortunately, that the people around her, as well as strangers on the street, paid more attention to her. This started the vicious cycle of extreme weight loss, anorexia and bulemia, eventual medical intervention and a complete loss of control. The gym became her second home. Her first home became a gym. It was 24/7 working out, running, eating like a bird, etc.

This, ironically, is what made her start cheating on me, which inevitably ended the marriage. The amount of attention she got everywhere she went, went to her head, to the point where *I* was the one who was not good enough anymore. Why be around a normal Joe like myself who does not work out when these guys with 6-pack abs are hitting on her?

More irony for you - she spared no opportunity to tell ME how out of shape I was and point out MY flaws, and suggest that I start working out, or perhaps those jeans were not flattering, etc. The guy she eventually left me for, and married, was a fellow gym rat. Prior to this weight loss, we were a GREAT couple, and she was attracted to me, and I her. The only negative comments I ever recall her making about herself were about her boobs, which were not proportionate to her frame. (we're talking 4'11" with 38DDD's). Not only were they uncomfortable, but it's what men stared at while talking to her. She had every right to complain, and I made a concerted effort on my part to not focus on her breasts, ever. Good thing I'm not a boob guy.

As for her boobs, I could have cared less. My point was that her weight loss caused her previously large boobs to shrink, leaving mostly skin. Nothing she could do about it, and it didn't bother me.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

anonmd said:


> One mans opinion.
> 
> My wife is hot, it's what attracted me to her initially. In close to 20 years we've been together she's ranged or a size 4 to a 10 or 12 and back to a 4 - 6 lately. Makes NO difference to me, NONE.
> 
> As far as all men wanting a 20 something let me tell you, I work at a university. Every fall 100's of new 18 year olds show up and the soph's, junior's and senior's return. I watch them All walk past between classes. Out of a thousand 18-22 year olds almost none of them do anything for me. Say 4 or 5 out of a thousand. 35+ is far more likely to pull my chain but even there someone I'd lust after just isn't that common. Now when I was younger and single...


Agree regarding the 20 somethings. We go to a few NU games a year, and we see a lot of 20 year olds. Nice looking gals, but it's like looking at a child to me (I'm late 40's). Same with our regular babysitter - HS senior, very cute girl, and if I was 18-20 I'd be all over that. Now I see her as a girl that could be my daughter. 

Now take my wife's close friend who is around 40 - if I was 20-25, I'd think I was looking at grandma. Now, if she came onto me, I'd be on her like white on rice. 

My wife has the same body image issues - was overweight, lost the weight, then put it back on. She's not obese, but needs to lose weight. One of her excuses for not wanting sex is her perception of her appearance (she claims she needs a few drinks to have sex). I never make comments about her appearance, but do support her when she says she wants to exercise (and tell her to let me know as I can watch the kids).


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> I gotta say, one of the things that really helped smooth over my insecurities about my body in marriage specifically is that my husband doesn't talk out of two-sides of his mouth.
> 
> He isn't whacking it to porn chicks that look nothing like me. He isn't checking out women who literally have none of my features. Celebrities, randoms, whatever--I can tell that my husband doesn't want my personality packaged in a different body, it's my actual body that he likes. Not to say he doesn't like other types of women but I'm squarely in the camp of "yes," rather than "eh."
> 
> ...


:iagree:

There are parts of my body I don't like at all(large scars, birth defect, etc.), but I know my husband loves it all. He loves to run his fingers along my scars and will kiss them. His actions have made a huge difference in my view of my body. Part of why I feel so confident has to do with my husband's backing and support.



alexm said:


> Quick analogy that fits here, sort of.
> 
> My ex wife, as said, was c. 95lbs, and just under 5' tall.
> 
> ...


Honestly, alexm, I would hate to think of my husband talking about my body the way you talk about your ex. If that is how you describe her body, I'm sure she can figure out how you really see her. In the past I dated men who said they didn't care about my scars(very large scars, nothing I can do about it), but they would avoid that area of my body and would never touch them. It was easy to see the truth in how they actually felt and I never felt truly comfortable with them. It is a completely different story with my husband who truly means what he says, in saying that he loves my body, flaws included.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Alex, please understand that I am not pointing fingers at you or accusing you of being mean to your ex wife. But you said it yourself: when she lost weight and dolled-up people treated her differently -- and she liked the positive affirmation. And why not? It feels good to get compliments.

When I was younger, I was never anything more than a pair of tits to most guys. They would stare at them, make excuses to talk about them or "accidentally" touch them. It got to the point where I refused to wear anything that had a slogan, a logo, a sequin, anything at all that could serve as an excuse to be pointed at and groped. I flouted the rules of attractiveness, and it worked. No one thought of me as a pair of tits any more, no one found me attractive at all. 

Hooray?

I learned very early that the only thing that mattered about me was how I looked. And it was not a lesson that came out of thin air or was a byproduct of my insecure self. It was received from many different angles, perspectives, people, and despite the best efforts of feminist ideals to empower women. Despite my conscious awareness that media was selling me illusions and delusions and impossible standards. Despite the fact that I was smart, resourceful, full of adventure, as none of those things mattered a whit to anyone but me.

It is no accident that body image issues are of epidemic proportions among women and growing among men. It is *not* simply a sign of low self-esteem, or of women being unable to feel confident in themselves. It is no accident that women often shut down sexually, and personally, I think it more helpful to acknowledge this than to chastise individual women for "caring what others think" or "not loving each and every flaw"

Cuz, yes, of course we care what others think because that affects how they treat us. And it is hard to love what makes people ridicule you (or others) and turn away. 

I love the advice here to OP encouraging him cherish his wife, particularly the flaws. I love hearing that some men do "love every inch" of their wives and "don't care" about her flaws. I hope this works for OP.

But it is a hard road, particularly if he actually does find (some of) her flaws a turn-off or unattractive. Because no matter what he says about her being beautiful as she is, if he doesn't genuinely believe it, she will know. Saying her flaws don't matter when obviously drooling over photoshopped ideals will be seen as empty platitudes, husbandly duty, or just a bid to ensure his own sexual gratification. 

And saying you don't care about how she looks, but then describing "chicken legs" and "no butt" sounds a bit like you are talking out both sides of your mouth. Anon Pink and you are both eager to call my SO a jerk and an a$$, yet he has never said anything near as harsh as this. Just sayin'.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A year before her first C section, when she was hot, thin, etc, wasn't she still having sex only 2-3 times a month? What was her excuse then? I couldn't very well blame my lousy performance at work on combat related PTSD if my lousy performance pre-dated my combat deployments.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> In my experience, just about all women are conscious of their bodies and their self-perceived flaws.
> 
> I don't have a great deal of experience, but I can tell you that women (and men) who genuinely LIKE sex don't let body image get in the way, and/or use their body as an excuse - especially with their partners (provided their partners aren't negative in terms of how they look).
> 
> ...


:iagree: This hits the nail on the head. Had the same experience - one old GF was a petite little cutie (I made my friends envious), but only saw her naked once, and we never had sex (we did make out, etc, but nothing more than that). Last GF could be described as curvy (she was maybe slightly overweight and well-endowed), but she didn't care - she'd have her clothes off in no time and climb on top.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

OP-- If she's only had a baby 4 months ago, I would not panic just yet. That's an intense time and it will take a bit before she gets back to her old self.

A few things that could be helpful if you can frame them in the right way: 

--you could volunteer to take childcare duty while she goes to the gym. 

-- You could also suggest going on a healthier diet with her. Frame it as something you can all do as a family to get healthier (not that she is a fatty). 

--You could also volunteer to do some cooking and grocery shopping to support these new healthier habits.

I think the message should be that you love her as she is, but you understand that she is feeling anxious about this and here are some things that you can do together to help her feel better. Emphasis on FEEL better not LOOK better.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

always_alone said:


> Alexm, again your words are kind and I'm sincerely happy to hear you genuinely find your wife beautiful.
> 
> But your experience does not reflect mine. I have been told I look "fine", but always with the qualifier "for my age". I know for a fact (he told me) that he finds most of his female friends, and probably most women more sexually desirable than me. I have had my flaws pointed out to me, just in case, I suppose, that I was unaware of them. I am reminded that I don't compare in many ways from many different sources.


Always alone, the problem is your guy and why are you putting up with it. It must make you feel very unhappy.

I am forty four, always had issues wiht weight, sometimes more sometimes less, but it never stopped me from enjoying sex. Didn not stop my husband either. We have other problems, but that's beyond this thread. I actually feel way sexier today that I did in my twenties. I've learnt what I like and what I want. Too bad I am not getting it


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Contrary to what is constantly perpetuated, women are not the only people who deal with body image issues. And yes I said body, not just penis size. As a man who grew up with searing body image problems, to a life altering degree that matches any woman with the same issue, and who knows that millions of other men have too, it gets so tired seeing this constant mantra of "women have body issues, men don't understand". Trust me, plenty of us do.

And let me tell you, my woman craves and desire me, all parts of me. Even when I was fatter and had to muster up the courage to even take my shirt off (lying down, at as flattering an angle as I could get only), she adored me. And as much as I was grateful for it, appreciated it, and was relieved on some level to have it, it didn't do much to correct and heal my issues.

Why? Because those issues started in childhood, before I ever met her, and long before we ever got together. Those issues weren't about her so she couldn't be responsible for correcting them.

Which is why I have trouble buying this notion that your spouse is responsible for making you feel good...or not. They are an aid, sure, but I don't believe even a spouse who genuinely wants your body, perceived flaws and all, can just magically make you feel good about yourself. 

My self image issues had to be corrected by me. By dealing with the body issues that were the root of the insecurities, putting in a lot of emotional, physical and spiritual work to get to the reasons behind the reasons. Hard, tough work that continues to this day.

Sadly my wife, over the last several years, now deals with some of the same issues. And it doesn't matter how much I love her, want her, desire her, and express to her all of this, she has real trouble believing that I could find her attractive and want her with the extra weight she's put on through the years. Because the issues are deep running and they are about how she ultimately sees herself. It breaks my heart to see her dealing now with the same awful crap I did most of my life.

You're not going to cure a person with real issues in this department by telling them over and over again that you want them just as they are. They have to find a way to reconcile with person in the mirror.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

In addition to writing a letter to my wife describing all the things I found sexy about her 50 yr old body, I found on youtube the song Perfect Imperfections. I made her sit down & listen to it. She had never heard it before. I pointed out to her that all of her "curves & edges" drive me crazy.

I've actually gotten in her face when she gets negative about her body and told her "I don't want to hear it!" Her C-section scars are evidence of three great kids. I got her to quit complaining about her breasts sagging by always offering to stand right behind her & support them for her. :smthumbup:


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