# Crossdressing, etc.



## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for almost 4. We are 28 and 31, and have both been mostly satisfied with our sex life together, attracted to each other, etc.

However, when we met and got together we were both more relaxed about what attracted us, and about sexuality in general. My husband, for example, enjoyed wearing skirts occasionally and I thought this was attractive. 

Since then, not much has come up about his interest in wearing women's clothes - he is more focused on his career and doesn't think it's appropriate to cross-dress. BUT more recently (the last year), he has expressed frustration that he would like to be himself more, and that he thinks it's just not "okay". He routinely complains about his clothes, saying he doesn't like men's clothes. He is of small build and says they don't fit him well. 

I am somewhat embarrassed to say that since our early days, I have become more traditional (in some ways), and am not attracted to the cross dressing or any other feminine behaviour he exhibits. He likes to shave his legs and this is a turn-off for me. He has started buying women's underwear and women's razors. This makes me more uncomfortable than I'd like and is killing my attraction and our relationship.

Of course when I bring this up, he gets defensive and feels like I am attacking him. Is it possible for me to change the fact that I am not sexually attracted to him anymore? I don't want to force him to not express himself, but wonder sometimes if he is hiding a part of himself that would like to be more open about, sexually.

We have a young daughter and I would like to have more children; however, if this is going to explode into a scenario where he leaves later on to fully be himself (cross dress in daily life, or move to a more transgendered expression of himself) I am not sure I am interested. He says he can't imagine himself single and without a family, but I'm not sure we aren't just a cover for another life he's wanting to live, but is afraid to.

He is not open with others, including family members, about this side of his sexuality. I feel like in repressing it we are headed in the direction of an affair(on his part) or some other way of self-expressing that he will keep hidden from me because I've said I'm not attracted to him.

I have no idea how to navigate all this in a sensitive but honest way - any advice?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Wow...I'm not sure how you could handle this. You were ok with it before, and now you're not. The problem is that he's likely to see this as you were never ok with it and lied to him when you said/implied you were. 

In what other ways have you become more traditional? Are those ways obvious, where he would have noticed them? If so, that could be your lead in and might help ease the blow. 

Otherwise I would just explain that you've become more traditional, point out the things that applies to and then just as gently but bluntly as possible, explain to him that you just aren't comfortable with it anymore. 

It may be that crossdressing is all this will ever be. And it may be that this is a cover up for something more. Whether or not that something more will ever be brought to the surface is the big question. You may have to decide if you can live with the uncertainty of not knowing if anything more will come out of it; he may not tell you if there's more to it, either out of fear of your reaction or because he's in denial to himself.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

You have to find out if it will become something more so that you can important choices for your family. I'm interested in a man that behaves like a man so I can't relate to ever being attracted to a man in a skirt unless it was a kilt...shaving legs and wearing woman's underwear would cause me to run quickly away from the relationship.

I wish I could offer more help but all I can say is that you have the right to your feelings as well as he does to his. I think you need to have an honest talk and let him know that you and your daughter will always be a part of his life, eve if not intimate, but that you need to know if you should move on and in fairness to him and you he needs to speak openly about his feelings.

Otherwise, you're just playing a waiting game.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

my thoughts on this are that when you two were younger he was testing out his perameters on how comfortable he was sexually with himself and with you (the person he trusts most). it sounds like the both of you "know" (as in sense) that there might be something more to it, but are afraid of the consequences it could have on the family that you two built. perhaps, a mediator could help such as a therapist only to dig a little deeper and within safe bounds.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Definitions of Crossdressing, TV, TG, hermaphrodites*

I have learned more in the last few years about cross dressing and transgender issues than I ever wanted because of a close friend so once again I'll jump into a sensitive issue.

Here's a quick summary - I'll use "male/man/men" to simplify the sentences.

There are a lot of men who like to cross dress - wear women's clothing and are very definitely heterosexual. Take a look at tri-ess.org, this organization is for heterosexual cross dressers. Other names include transvestite - TVs. Cross dressers are rarely gay, lucky one have understanding wives or girlfriends. If you ever worked at Victoria's secret or in a lingerie department of a major department store TVs will come in and buy something for their wife who is about the same size they are. TVs are a lot more common than realized.

If you work in a major metropolitan hospital's emergency room or ambulance service you'll come across men in panties, bras, camisoles and stockings from time to time.

There are gay and bi men to like to wear drag - over the top women's clothing and make up. You'll find these guys in gay clubs - RuPaul wears drag.

There are people born in male bodies who believe they are female. These folks are transgendered or transexual - TG/TS. Some of these individuals eventually decide on surgery, some wear women's clothing at home, some wear w's clothing all the time. Their sexual preference can range from women to men, the urge to live in the right gender can be overpowering, not a matter of choice. I know one individual who at age 2 or 3 looked in the mirror and saw the person of the right gender, not their physical gender. This no longer child had a rough time in adolescence, has had surgery and is much, much happier.

Hermaphrodites are yet another case. Sometimes they are born with very small male genitals, sometimes dr.s perform surgery w/o asking on new borns, sometimes parents make the decisions, sometimes they are born with both male and female genitals. Some of these children grow up sexually maimed, depressed, and suicidal. Some hermaphrodites have chromosomes that don't match their appearance, some have XXY or XYY, when most folks have XY or YY. Some hermaphrodites have both male and female genitals.

No one yet understands the why of any of these conditions.

TGs and hermaphrodites exist in all cultures, some American Indians thought of them as a third sex who were blessed.

Take a look at Wikipedia for more information, in the meantime please understand that they didn't choose to be what they are; be as kind and loving as possible.

Mark


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While I don't want to dispute Mark's comments without facts, I did see a survey (I wish I could find it) which showed that most cross dressers are either gay or bisexual to some degree.

Either way, if this is affecting your relationship, you both should talk to a professional.


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

It sounds like he was definitely feeling you out early on and because your initial reaction wasn't detrimental, he has decided that it is okay to "be himself" and thus he feels you should be fine with it. 

It just seems to me that if it's okay for him to be himself, then why are you "attacking" him when you are technically just being yourself by stating your preferences?

Does he cross dress truly because he is more comfortable that way or is it sexually manifested? You both might be able to come to some middle ground if it is simply an arousal mechanism, but if it is an inherit part of his psyche I doubt you are going to be happy with the long term results unless you truly are into as well.


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## Chris57 (Feb 15, 2013)

Dear Lucy,

I am one of those "despicable" crossdressers. But, in reality, you are one also. Wearing jeans, a tshirt, boys tennis shoes and boys socks at times. I'll bet you've worn your husbands jacket or flannel PJ's also. You are a crossdresser, believe it or not. It's just that your crossdressing is acceptable in society today. I mean, if you saw a group of women all wearing jeans and t-shirts, would you suspect them of all being lesbians? Just putting this in perspective. My crossdressing started when I was 5 years old. My older sister would dress me up all the time. But that's it. I have no desires to have a sex change, no desires to watch online porn of transvestites or transsexuals. In fact i find porn to be rather degrading and revolting. I'm married. yes, it's true, over 35 years. I have no problems changing the oil, puttering in the garage, painting walls, even chopping wood in a housedress. You do it, why can't I? I mean, you wear bluejeans. Get your husband to get this whole issue into perspective. What is it about the dressing? For many of us who are 100% heterosexual, it's a major stress reliever. I can't explain it. Maybe like drinking a cold beer on a hot summer day. That's it. My wife won't let me buy a dress alone. She gets annoyed if i buy something that doesn't match my skin tone or eye color. We never go out to clubs, or groups, or meet with others. Just not interested. I don't do makeup. It's just clothes. You can write me if you have any questions that may help. But he needs to explain to you in detail his perspective.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Now THAT was an interesting read.


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