# Newbie looking for advice



## nhbelle (Dec 7, 2015)

Such a long story.....been with my husband since I was 15 years old (25 years ago). My husband is basically like a child. I make all the meals, do all the laundry, take care of the lawn, garbage, cleaning the house, get him drinks when he is thirsty, make sure he has his favorite fork/spoon...you get the picture. I put up with his outbursts and temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, I listen to him complain about the government, the tv, remote, his glasses, work, the weather you name it and I do everything I can not to upset him so I won't have to deal with him crying about it for hours or even days. Of course when things don't go his way it always my fault. The bottom line is that I am tired. I knew what I was getting into and I guess my young naive self thought that love would change him. We have 3 children together and (ages 11-20). Wondering if I should stick it out until the youngest graduates. I also wonder what example I have set for my children and how they have no idea what a loving relationship looks like. It's really sad. The worst part is that I know him all too well and if I attempt to leave I will have to deal with his fury which means he will attempt to ruin my life, reputation, family, my job, my relationship with our kids. I just can't stop thinking about what a relief it would be for me to be alone with the kids. Any advice would be much appreciated!


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## Ahope (Feb 9, 2016)

Please understand I'm not trying to tell you what to do. ..leave or stay. I just want you to know I commend you for thinking about the example being set with your children. You and the children are both being hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

nhbelle said:


> snip
> 
> *I knew what I was getting into and I guess my young naive self thought that love would change him.*
> 
> snip


Well for starters don't feel bad about being naive and thinking you could change him. Most of us have been there.

Welcome to TAM


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

I am going to assume you have talked to him about your general unhappiness (probably multiple times), correct?

If so, maybe give some indication that you think you may need to move on (and I only say this because it sounds like you are). If he doesnt want to talk about it, doesnt listen, doesnt care, or doesnt make you feel like there is a reason to stay, I think you are justified in doing whatever is best for you. You are 40 years old. When are you going to be happy?


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## VCKid1982 (Dec 28, 2015)

Do you see therapy as even an option or is he such a miserable person that it will not work... A lot of people have personality disorders and are damn near impossible to change... That doesn't mean it isn't at least worth an effort and maybe if he knows there is a chance the relationship could end... He will change his ways! There are no guarantees and I can't really give you advice on your own situation... The only thing I can say is that when we avoid talking about the obvious in a relationship the "Elephant in The Room" will grow and grow and grow until you freak out about the lack of respect. We are all scared of what is new and what is possible and the potential downside and I'm not poo-pooing the downside but you could consider changing the dynamics of your relationship by acknowledging the problem and then go from there???


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

Stop doing for him and don't deal with his crying. Let HIM deal with it.

He's bad but you're allowing it and making it worse by enabling it.

If you want his behavior to change, you need to change yours first.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It's good that you can see that you have done too much. Trying to change this is HARD and causes a great deal of friction which you are probably very aware of. Your husband was given entitlement and honor because you were in love and wanted to do your best by him but he has become accustom to behavior and expects you to behave now more like a servant rather than 2 people in love. 

I have been married 23 years and have friends who have been married 30 years and I see alot of what you are talking about here with your post. The wife becomes the mother figure to their husband and care for them like they would their child.

What do you feel you can do to change this, if anything? Can you tell him, "Hun, you are going to have to get your own drink, I am busy." What happens if you don't wait on him hand and foot.

Lady, you have to empower yourself. You weren't put on this earth to be your husband's servant.

My situation was not as server as your own but I too did way too much for my husband. I didn't want to fight so I basically became a slave to get everything done that needed to be taken care of. I was totally exhausted taking care of 5 children, working and trying to maintain the home while my husband sat on the computer and played games or watched TV like there was nothing in the world to do. It caused me a great deal of resentment. We have been married 23 years. A few years back I told him that I was no longer going to.....and I gave him my list.....no longer going to mow the grass, no longer going to wash his gym clothes, no longer going to be the only cook in the house and boy, did I stick to what i said....I was tired of it! He mowed the grass himself and at first he drug his feet so I hired a man to come and boy that changed things fast. Did I hear him whine? Oh yes, and my response was that I was not responsible for his emotions. I had to get tough (even though I felt like I was still being very kind). His behavior did change but I am not sure he respected any more and I pretty sure he didn't respect me before I set my foot down. 

I stayed for the sake of my children, can't say that I regret that but I too am not sure of the example I set for my children. I would never want my daughters to live thru what I have with my husband and I would not support them staying if they were treated the same. It is something you have to weigh for yourself. I would highly suggest counseling for yourself so you can have some direction and support for whatever you choose to do. If you do not currently work I would suggest that you find a way to make that possible as getting outside the home can riase your self awareness and self-esteem.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Your husband sounds exactly like my father. He's a great provider and he's very involved with our family but he does nothing to help at home and he complains about everything. However, we're talking about a different generation. My mom puts up with him and never says a word because she doesn't know anything else - as I understand it her father was the same way. Did your husband grow up in a very old-fashioned, traditional household where the man wasn't expected to contribute anything but money to the home? If so, that's probably a good part of why he acts the way he does. I seriously doubt you're going to be able to change him after all this time. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can continue to live with it. My parents have been married pushing 50 years now and even though I KNOW it drives my mom crazy sometimes she still loves my dad and would never consider leaving him. In fact she often tells me she won't know what to do with herself after he dies.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You appear to be like so many women I know who divorced. They were with their boyfriend since their teen years, knew how they were but thought that they could change them or they would change once they get married. Unfortunately for them and you, people do not change their basic nature. In other words what you saw is what you got.

Nothing is worse than a bad marriage. Do not fear divorce. Your lawyer will deal with your husband's lawyer. If you husband harrases you, your lawyer will get a restraining order. Sure your hubby will get mad, most husbands do but the smart women I knew that got divorced controlled their husbands by suing or threatening to sue their ex husbands, for every infraction. It is usually the woman who makes the man's life a living hell so grow some horns and get the heck out of there. Your husband will not change except to get worse.

My wife does all the chores at home. Our deal is that I break my back working 10 hours a day and travelling all over the world on business, living out of a suitcase and eating food that looks disgusting to me, and she takes care of the house and bills. In return she enjoys the money I make and is living a lifestyle that she never dreamed she could live. She wants for nothing and I always make sure that I tell her that I love her and am a lucky man for marrying her, every day, even when overseas. I am also an easy going guy. I do not let other people's drama get near me and if they try to involve me, I find different friends. My wife always tells me that she cannot believe that I married her, knowing my lifestyle back then. She says she is the lucky one but I feel that it is I that is the lucky one. There are men out there that would worship a woman like you. Don't waste your life on a loser.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

First off sweetheart, you are his wife, not his man servant. Have a talk with him and discuss your feelings and how he is a grown man and that he can start doing things for himself sometimes. No one can seriously be that lazy, really? The laziness may be depressing him honestly. Set some new boundaries with him. If he throws a tantrum then let him. Go to counseling. If anything, you can always leave and take the kids with you if it doesn't work out.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Tell me the truth, are you my wife? My wife does all the things you do but wants to do them. That is how she was raised and is her view of a wife. When I tried to do more than a few little things, she told me that I was taking her jobs away from her and she wanted to do it. Sometimes she is like a lap dog because she needs my approval of every meal, what to watch on TV and giving me anything she hears me mention. On the other hand she is lucky she is married to me because I always consider her needs and wants when I make any decision that affects the both of us or marriage. Se will not even pick a restaurant or TV show to watch. She wants me to pick and if I tell her to choose she tells me to choose and we can go back and forth like that until either I make the decision or she picks something she knows I like. I gave up on trying to change her but she has gotten better in her old age.

We should exchange spouses because your hubby will love my wife. She is the result of an abusive, demanding, critical and violent alcoholic father and an alcoholic mother who took his beatings and never asked for help. I married my wife within 9 months of meeting her just to get her out of her home and into a normal life. However, the damage was done. She needs my approval on everything she does and is a people pleaser who will do most anything she is asked to do by others. She is also bisexual but hid that fact until she was in her forties for fear that I would leave her. I not only did not leave her, I let her move her girlfriend into our home to live. She keeps telling me that she does not know why I even asked her out for a date, considering the type of women she knew that I dated and my attributes. I think I was lucky to marry her and she says no, she is the lucky one. 

You hubby sounds like my wife's father. His wife and my wife to be had to do everything just the way he wanted it and without question. My wife raised her sister who was born when my wife was 15. Her alcoholic parents were drunk most of the time so my wife took on a lot of responsibility and to this day is a very hard worker and views her self worth by how much she does. I tried to change her. I tried to get her to be more dominant but she does not want to. It took me 3 years to get her to finally only have sex with me when she feels like it rather every time I want it. God help me if I cannot perform because she automatically assumes it is her fault. So perhaps your husband would like my wife. Even swap.  Funny thing is that I like strong and dominant women. My wife was the first girlfriend I had who was not highly intelligent or dominant. Maybe that is because I could not put up with two of me. 

I wish you luck. We have opposite problems. You have a demanding husband you do not want and I have a submissive wife that I would prefer was less submissive. I cannot complain too much about someone who does all the things I should be doing but it gets to be too much at times. I have tried to make it up to her by giving her a lifestyle that she never dreamed she could have. I spoil her to death and quite frankly, if I was no driven to give my wife a better life in thanks for all she does for me, I probably would not have put in the hard work and long hours that I did to get to where I am now. Hope it works out for you but these days half the kids your kids know have divorced parents so it will not have as much effect on them as you think. I feel it is worse to raise your kids in an unhappy marriage because, like my wife, they will learn their future roles from their parents and an unloving marriage is not a good place to learn how to be a husband or wife.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You enable this behavior. Favorite spoon??? Jeez.

You are just like my mom (with my dad) but she is old-school at least a generation older than you. Still 1950's type of wife. It pi**es me off, the way she acts like a servant to my dad. 

The problem here is going to be getting YOU to change, not getting HIM to change. (My mom will never change)

Focus on changing YOU first. If you can do that, the rest will come easier to you.


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