# Currently Separated



## JVInnovations (Feb 15, 2018)

I have been married for 4 years. Through our relationship we have had a lot occur. Loss of family, major injuries from motorcycle accident, I was in a car accident and had suffered a mild TBI, birth of 2 amazing children, and with all this I have had several bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, inflicting self pain (cutting) drug abuse and was deceitful to my wife and have an issue with lies. I know I am wrong for being a liar and have battled with self abuse and drugs to mask my embarrassment and resentment for myself. 

The last straw with my wife occurred recently when I went into an anonymous chat app and discussed sexual topics with men. While I am not gay I for some reason explored that world. I regret everything I have done wrong and just want my family back the way it was which I know cannot happen overnight. It will take time to regain trust and intimacy with my wife. I am seeking any advice on how I can become the man I was when we met. I wasn’t a liar and was always open and honest with my wife. 

I am desperate and do not want to endure losing the love of my life. Currently I am out of the house at my mothers on the weekends and home during the week because I work nights and take care of my children during the day while my wife works. I am seeking any thoughts advice or help on how I can win her heart back. She I what I want and my family is what I want. She has expressed she wants space because she is hurt and I understand that. 

I just want to know how I can prove I am the man I was even with space. She stated she doesn’t want divorce because she was a child of divorce and doesn’t want our children to deal with that. I am worried I have lost her or will lose her as she takes space and has opportunity to meet other men. I am rambling in tears for my sins and what I’ve done and don’t know how to deal. Please help if you can with any advice. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The best thing you can do is to strive to be the best man you can, every day, for the rest of your life.

There are two books that I think migh help with you becoming a better husband and both of you working to fix your relationship. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read the books first yourself and do the work that they suggest. Then, when you think she would be open to it, ask her to read the books with you and do the work together.

This has to be a life change, not a patch. She will know if you are just trying to be good for a while to get her stay.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Dress up, buy her some flowers, kneel down and say you are sorry for everything and you will make it up to her, and then take her on a date. Then just make sure you DO in fact change.


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## JVInnovations (Feb 15, 2018)

Thank you for your advice. I greatly appreciate it. She told me today that she wants to go to the beach by herself and when it would be convenient for me too. I am just insecure in myself that she is trying to go with someone or she really just wants to get away. I don’t want to ask and be clingy because that is the last thing she wants. She also has mentioned she doesn’t want to seek other men. She doesn’t have time with work and kids. I am conflicted if she wants to go for the reason to think and process or if she wants to go and have relations with someone else. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. She mentioned what we do when we are separated we either talk about in counseling or if we feel like we are at an ok point at home we can talk. But she prefers to discuss in counseling. The first weekend during this separation she went out with friends and was out late. She said she didn’t enjoy it as much as she used to because we are not young party people anymore. Also she said she did get hit on but said she turned men down. The old her from her mouth is she would of went out the first night this happened and slept with someone. I am just fearful and it’s silly of me that it concerns me. I am an anxious person and it kills me the not knowing. I try to put all in God’s hands and hope for the best but it’s hard to not think negatively. When the person u love u hurt and she wants separation. 


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## 180Man (Dec 1, 2017)

JVInnovations said:


> Thank you for your advice. I greatly appreciate it. She told me today that she wants to go to the beach by herself and when it would be convenient for me too. I am just insecure in myself that she is trying to go with someone or she really just wants to get away. I don’t want to ask and be clingy because that is the last thing she wants. She also has mentioned she doesn’t want to seek other men. She doesn’t have time with work and kids. I am conflicted if she wants to go for the reason to think and process or if she wants to go and have relations with someone else. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. She mentioned what we do when we are separated we either talk about in counseling or if we feel like we are at an ok point at home we can talk. But she prefers to discuss in counseling. The first weekend during this separation she went out with friends and was out late. She said she didn’t enjoy it as much as she used to because we are not young party people anymore. Also she said she did get hit on but said she turned men down. The old her from her mouth is she would of went out the first night this happened and slept with someone. I am just fearful and it’s silly of me that it concerns me. I am an anxious person and it kills me the not knowing. I try to put all in God’s hands and hope for the best but it’s hard to not think negatively. When the person u love u hurt and she wants separation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Something similar happened between my mom and dad (now divorced) when I was young, only involving a telephone chat line. Since then, more and more telltale signs indicate that my dad is not 100% heterosexual (browsing history etc.). At his age, though, we aren't going to rock the boat- he is who he is and if he ever wants to bring it up he will.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but there was obviously a reason that you wanted to explore that world.

It sounds like you are religious, and I know there is still a significant stigma around homosexuality in many denominations. You are whoever you say you are in my books, but just remember that most of the population is not 100% heterosexual (very few are, Google the Kinsey scale).

Just be true to yourself and honest with your wife. No doubt she currently has the same suspicious that my mom did, and not dealing with them only pushed them further apart. I'm learning as a recovering alcoholic that I'd rather live my own life, then try to live the life that those around me expected me too, and I am so much happier for it. (No More Mr Nice Guy is also helping me with that).

M180


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