# Wife's New Friend



## badgerfly (Mar 20, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. things have been better but we have been happy.

a few days back she told me that she has a friend( that she met 2 weeks ago) she has been communicating with and wants to meet again and further there friendship.

I was very shocked and hurt and did not handle the initial conversation well. During my look around I found both Texts and Emails that were deleted and kept from me

She maintains that she is not cheating, Loves me and has no bad intentions. But under no circumstances is willing to stop this relationship.

I am trying really hard to be understanding and not become controlling, but this is very hard for me to deal with...I am hoping that advise from this will help me through.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Assume you are talking about a guy?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WARNING WILL ROBINSON WARNING (Lost in Space reference)

Lady is right. She's working on something. I'd ask her how she'd feel if the tables were turned.

You also might want to read up in the Coping with Infidelity forum for some pointers on investigating.

Do you have access to your cell phone account? Look up the number of texts/calls to this guy in the past two weeks to see if theres alot. I'm willing to bet there is!


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## badgerfly (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry Yes Guy Friend. And I am not super worried about email comment she says she was afraid I wouldnt handle it well so she hid it form me. 

I didnt think I was a jealous person. But this had never tested me before.... I want to trust her but I have had this horrible knot in my gut for 3 days....


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## badgerfly (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry but heres another twist that I forgot to mention


She claims the reason she wants to persue him is that they had a spritual connection and she now feels more alive. and that this will help our marriage 

I will add that the past week or so our sex life has been through the roof???


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh my gosh. No wonder your gut has been in a knot. Tell her that she needs to be having spiritual connections with you. No other man should be making her feel more alive unless he happens to be her doctor, and she feels more alive as the result of medication he has prescribed. Stand up and put your foot down. Tell her she can either cut ties with him or you will cut ties with her. And be prepared do it if she calls your bluff.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

probable your sex is thru the roof, cause of her guilt eating at her. your going to have to stop this asap.telling you she erased her texts cause you wouldn't understand is pure b.s. they were sex texts...here she is basically telling you that she don't give a damn about your feelings...if she goes, i would follow her and put her clothes in her car, after you embaresse her in public of course.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

How did she meet him?


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## badgerfly (Mar 20, 2012)

They met at work on a temp Job. they worked together for 3 days. She has been open with me since she told me....she said he was such a joy to be around. and is not willing to throw away a good friendship over my petty jealousy>

???? I don't know what to do>>>>


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

badgerfly said:


> Sorry but heres another twist that I forgot to mention
> 
> 
> She claims the reason she wants to persue him is that they had a spritual connection and she now feels more alive. and that this will help our marriage
> ...


So, he makes your wife's sex drive go through the roof, and she thinks that this should be okay with you? Would she be okay if one of her friends made your sex drive go through the roof?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

badgerfly said:


> They met at work on a temp Job. they worked together for 3 days. She has been open with me since she told me....she said he was such a joy to be around. and is not willing to throw away a good friendship over my petty jealousy>
> 
> ???? I don't know what to do>>>>


Well, apparently she is willing to throw away a good marriage over a petty friendship. You shouldn't feel guilty for demanding an end to it if this "friend" is affecting her sex drive at all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell her to drop the friend or pack her bags and go be with him. 

Your wife is having or is working up to having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

This is what you should do. Tell her that you will not stay married to a woman who puts any friendship before her marriage. Tell her to decide if she wants to stay married to you or maintain contact with this other man. She can't have both. And she needs to decide immediately. If she picks marriage, she needs to send a no contact letter to him. Don't waver, do not let her call you petty/crazy/controlling/etc. If she picks her 'friendship,' start carrying her belongings out to her vehicle. Tell her to let you know where to send what won't fit in her vehicle, because you will have movers bring it to her next weekend.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

or you could when she goes on the date, just get some girl to go out with you! gee--honey, you wouldn't believe the levels we connect on. dose of her own medicine


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

where is this as*hole now? Please tell me he doesn't live near you!

Can you account for all her time in the last few weeks?

Tme to go into investigative mode and follow everyone else's advice here and nip this in the bud or tell her to walk!

Any kids?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She hid the e-mails because she thought that you wouldn't handle it well...

She's already making you out to be the jealous, controlling monster that is isolating her.

Face it- she is checking out of your marriage.

Find out who the guy is, and expose him to HIS wife, GF, etc., then tell your W that she has to make a choice, end the "friendship"-or start packing her bags.
Not all of these "friendships" end in a full-blown affair...
...but all full-blown affairs begin with these "friendships".


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok,

Stop fooling yourself. This is already an emotional affair if not something more. It is not jealousy to demand intimate exclusivity in a marriage. I would tell her that you can't control what she does; but, if she doesn't end her relationship with this man now, you will end your relationship with her. AND MEAN IT!


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

badgerfly said:


> Sorry but heres another twist that I forgot to mention
> 
> 
> She claims the reason she wants to persue him is that they had a spritual connection and she now feels more alive. and that this will help our marriage
> ...


BAD NEWS! This is not, repeat NOT, the innocent behavior of a loving spouse! You need to have a long talk with her and ask her what is missing in your marriage that she feels the need to go outside of the relationship to form a spiritual/emotional connection. This is a deal breaker for a marriage. I agree that you need to put your foot down and get into some counseling if you are still interested in keeping the relationship alive. She may not have had sex with this man as of yet but your marriage is on a speeding train heading straight over a cliff.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

badgerfly said:


> They met at work on a temp Job. they worked together for 3 days. She has been open with me since she told me....she said he was such a joy to be around. and is not willing to throw away a good friendship over my petty jealousy>


 Since she kept it a secret at first, deleted her emails to him, and "feels more alive" with him, she is at least in an emotional affair (EA) if not in a physical affair (PA) with the other man (OM). The "just friends" statement is used by all cheaters in explaining their relationship with the OM. Telling you that you are "jealous" is also used by all cheaters in defending their relationship. The fact that she is having better sex with you is because the OM has sexually awakened her. If she has not had sex with him yet she soon will.

The fact that she hide the relationship at first also means that she knew that it was against the established unsaid rules of your marriage. Rules that she now wants to break. Her telling you that she will continue the relationship no matter how you feel about it, means that she has lost respect for you and she cannot really love someone that she does not respect. It also means that she is already in love with the OM. She is not developing a friendship, she is exploring an affair.

You must act now. The longer that you wait, the harder it will be to save your marriage. First Google "emotional affair" to learn more about what it is. Then tell her that she is at least in an EM with the OM, and that EAs are considered cheating in a marraige. After that you must lay down the law and tell her that she must pick either the OM or you and your marriage. Tell her that she must end all contact with the OM immediately. You must be willing to be strong and not back down on this. Do not beg her or negotiate on this topic. If she tries to call your bluff, you must be willing to tell her that you will contact an attorney to discuss your options; you must also be willing to do the 180 (look this up). Time is of the essence on this.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

badgerfly said:


> My wife and I have been married for 12 years. things have been better but we have been happy.
> 
> a few days back she told me that she has a friend( that she met 2 weeks ago) she has been communicating with and wants to meet again and further there friendship.
> 
> ...


This is very dangerous badger


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

A guy?? Um, I would be leary.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Listen to what you are being told----3 days, and she thinks this guy is some kind of god like person---do you have any idea how much cheating has come about in the name of religion

You need to stop this RIGHT NOW------you are now in a dog fight for your mge----this guy ain't goin away---and your wife is already breaking her vows---as to openness

You need to be harsh about this---if there are kids involved---be heven more demanding---their futures also are at stake

A lot of good people have gone very wrong due to religious zealots


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You: "By honey. I'm going out. Be back in a few hours".

Her: "Where are you going".

You: "I've been troubled by a lot of things lately. I recently met X at Y. She's really easy to talk to. She's been helping me with some of my problems."

Her:

You: So don't wait up. I'll be home later.

Then go to a movie or a diner and think up all of the imaginary things you talked about. If you're lucky, you'll run into a real live woman who will help you through this mess and possibly be there for you when your wife leaves for this other man.

When you get home, sit up in bed next to her and have a text conversation with someone. "Oh, X and I are just continuing our conversation..."

She either gets the point or is THRILLED that you have someone else so she can pursue her affair. Just be prepared for the latter.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

You better put a stop to this yesterday,she is infatuated with this man and is in the fog.The longer you wait the harder it will be to break this.Soon she will come up with all kinds of reasons to justify pursuing this man and how much Om "understands" her.In her mind you'll be the biggest controlling jerk to ever walk the face of the Earth.Kill this now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Badger, are you still there?

Please let us know what's happening. We can help!


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## JustCan'tDeal (Feb 24, 2012)

Please, take it from me, someone who is now dealing with the aftermath of your exact situation...STOP IT NOW! This is not normal behavior. My H had a female friend that he was gaming with and he would constanyly tell me that they were "just freinds" and that he loved me and there was nothing to worry about...Until one day I went to use the computer and he had left the chat window open. He lied and continued to lie to me for months. Everything seemed fine until I asked him to not contact her anymore and give up the "friendship". At first he actually refused and said that it was over and they were not talking "like that" anymore just friends (yea right). It wasn't until I got serious and stood up for myself and flat out told him that it was me or her, did he stop all contact. 

It is like a drug. Your W may already be hooked but the sooner you make her break contact the better, trust me. At the very least this is the beginning of an EA and you really don't want that. Trust me, end it now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is a full on Emotional Affair (EA) and a serious one too if she's saying she won't go No Contact (NC) with this Other Man (OM). Now she wants to take it to a Physical Affair (PA). 

Now is the time to fight for you marriage.


Tell her that she is in a full on PA, DO NOT let her tell you he's just a friend. She's already hidden her contact with him from you. Secrecy is a prime ingredient in affairs.
She MUST go NC with this OM. If she refuses, then you must start divorce proceedings, because she's deep in the affair fog. Divorce proceedings take a long time, so use this as the grace period to kill the affair. Marriage counselling is useless when she's in the affair.
DO NOT allow her to play the jealous and controlling card on you that she's been doing. You are simply protecting your marriage and c0ckblocking the OM *like you're supposed to do*.
Find out if OM is married, then expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW). Your first priority is killing the affair. Exposing the affair to the light of day is one of the most effective ways of killing an affair.
Follow the 180 guidelines. The 180 is a self empowerment tool that helps you detach from your wife and help reduce any codependency issues you may have. It will give you the strength to help you move on, with or without her. 
DO NOT beg or plead with her. She's deep in the affair fog and NOTHING you can do by begging and/or pleading with her will make her turn away from OM. This will only make you look more weak in her eyes.
Install a keylogger in the computer to ensure that there's NC if you get that far. You need one anyway right now so you can be one step ahead of her. Never reveal your methods of surveillance if you can.

Follow the links in my signature.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

badgerfly said:


> a few days back she told me that she has a friend( that she met 2 weeks ago) she has been communicating with and wants to *meet again and further there friendship*.


WTF is that supposed mean? I tell you what it means to further a friendship, she want to get intimate with him and bang him. 

Are you going to take that? She's cheating, no ifs and buts about it. This is a SERIOUS threat to your marriage, and if you don't fight for it, soon you'll be getting the ILYBINILWY speech. Then your marriage will seriously be on the rocks.


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