# Older Husband has no interest in sex



## Jamie829 (Jan 2, 2012)

Hi everyone. I'm seeking some advice. I've been lurking on here for a while but decided it would be more beneficial for me to reveal my issues on this forum and see what the feedback will be. I thank you in advance for your opinions.

I'm 30 years old, my Husband is 47. We've been together 8 years and married for a little over a year. My Husband has zero interest in sex, kissing, making out or anything sexual. He likes to cuddle in bed and give me a hug and a peck kiss when he comes home from work...that is the extent of our intimacy. 

When we first met we had sex all the time and we had a lot of passion...sex was great. That lasted for 6 months and he became less and less interested in physical intimacy as the years went on.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions that there is something wrong with ME, without sounding full of myself I'm a damn good catch. I'm very attractive, i get looks from men all the time. Im also very giving and passionate in bed, and very thoughtful, generous and loving outside the bedroom as well. 

Last year I was at my wits end trying to fix his issues with being intimate with me. His excuse from day one is that he is stressed and depressed with work and very tired. I told him last year that if he didn't want to come near me that I wanted a divorce. He told me he would change, that he loved me, and he would be more intimate with me. After that blowout, we had sex 3 times in one month and I got pregnant. During my pregnancy we had sex twice. My baby is now 2 months old and we are going on 5 months of no sex.

I lost the baby weight already...I only gained 22 lbs. and delivered via c-section. Since we got home from the hospital, I've slept in our bed maybe twice because its easier to just stay downstairs on the sofa as my infant doesn't sleep through the night. My Husband said he misses me in bed but all he ever wants to do is cuddle so I'm in no rush to sleep back in my own bed. I'm very bitter, hurt and I resent my Husband. I feel like I got scammed-like he played me. He was sexual in the beginning of our relationship and now he's like a priest. I feel very alone..

I told him once again how I feel last night-alone, hurt etc..and he came on to me. So what did I do? I turned him down. Why do I have to prompt my Husband to have sex with me? I shouldn't have to talk him into having sex with me. I'm 17 years younger than him, I'm attractive and desirable, yet he makes me feel old and unwanted.

He called me from work today and I told him I wanted to work on things for the sake of our baby and he made all kinds of promises again that he would change. When he got home tonight however, he was cold with me, ate his dinner and went upstairs to the bedroom. I followed him and asked him what was wrong and he said "well why bother talking, you're done with me." Now HE'S the victim???

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm honestly starting to give up. I've tried everything. Dressing extra sexy, seducing him, talking it out, threatening to end the marriage, and evening paying for him to get blood work to check his testosterone levels. (They were on the low end but he has done nothing about it.) 

I feel like he has robbed me of my late twenties. I was a very sexual, fun person and his behavior has stifled me I can't be my true sexual self with him. I have never had problems with lovers before him...the men I was with previously couldn't get enough of me. I just don't get it. Help!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Jamie829 said:


> evening paying for him to get blood work to check his testosterone levels. (They were on the low end but he has done nothing about it.)


How low is low? Does he have other symptoms of low T - fatigue, fuzzy-headed (unable to concentrate/focus), difficulty in exercise, ED?

If he's truly on the low end of the spectrum, even though in range but below what a normal 47 yo man would have, he may simply not have the drive for sex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he had any ED issues? He might be lacking confidence, butif he's not willing to try working on the lower test issue...  

I'm confused, though. Why did you turn him down when he came onto you? Or did I read that wrong?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, at 47, his libido could just be going away.

That's what happens.


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## MEM7 (Jan 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, at 47, his libido could just be going away.
> 
> That's what happens.


Not mine! I'm 49 and ready to go anytime.

Even if my junk wasn't working I'd still like to do as much as I can for my wife because it's exciting pleasing her. Nothing better than giving your wife an orgasm.

He's either very ill or doesn't like the kind of sex you two have been having. You need to talk to him and ask him what's wrong. If it really is because he's too tired then he needs to work on a lifestyle change. Because if he doesn't, he's going to lose you. Even if he doesn't lose you the marriage will be destroyed. You'll live together but will barely like each other.

You have to get this fixed fast before it causes bitterness and resentment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But it can happen. I was dating an older guy and he was slowly losing his libido and mine was picking up!! 

He can get help but this could be perfectly normal and have nothing to do with her.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband is 43 and going through the same thing as your husband.

I know how you feel...

This is what has been going on in my situation-(not saying it is going on with yours)

My husband watches porn (And yes I have issues with it)
He claims to have ED and low testosterone.

Maybe this is the case with your husband?

I would have him get to his Dr and get his testosterone levels checked.


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## Jamie829 (Jan 2, 2012)

Thanks for your responses. I should have been more clear- his testosterone came back on the low end of normal. He said he would look into libido boosters but hasn't. 

He does not have erectile dysfunction, has no problems getting an erection and maintaining one. (On the rare occasion we do have sex!)

He is also not into porn and not that computer savy as I've checked his browsing history and found out what he got me for Christmas, he's not sneaky on the internet...he's really never on the computer. He usually comes home, watches TV and goes to bed. Very exciting life.

Also, I'm already bitter and resentful....don't know where to go from here!


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## MEM7 (Jan 2, 2012)

ladybird said:


> My husband is 43 and going through the same thing as your husband.
> 
> I know how you feel...
> 
> ...


If you husband is watching porn, yet has no interest in sex with you, I suspect a bit of masturbation is occurring on his part. That may have a bearing on why he isn't interested. He's already had his sex.


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## MEM7 (Jan 2, 2012)

Jamie829 said:


> Thanks for your responses. I should have been more clear- his testosterone came back on the low end of normal. He said he would look into libido boosters but hasn't.
> 
> He does not have erectile dysfunction, has no problems getting an erection and maintaining one. (On the rare occasion we do have sex!)
> 
> ...


You have to let him know that this is a serious problem for you.
He may not even realize it's a problem.

Maybe it's just that he has become bored with the sex you two have. Maybe if you spice it up a bit he'll get more excited. Just guessing here, this might not be the problem at all. But you have to try to find out what it is.

Your bitterness is going to fester and grow if you don't address this issue right away. It'll just get worse. Nip it in the bud ASAP. Otherwise it'll spread to other areas.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

You've talked to him over and over again regarding your sex life and it appears he makes promises, but his actions doesn't follow through his promises. 
Sex is so important in a marriage and for whatever reason he's not taking your concerns seriously. I think you should sit him down and tell him you guys need to see a MC and if he refuses, then tell him you will file for divorce. It's not worth it to be in a sexless marriage, period!!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jamie829 said:


> I told him once again how I feel last night-alone, hurt etc..and he came on to me. So what did I do? I turned him down.


Well, you see where that got you. You told him to come on to you, he did, you turned him down, now;


Jamie829 said:


> When he got home tonight however, he was cold with me, ate his dinner and went upstairs to the bedroom. I followed him and asked him what was wrong and he said "well why bother talking, you're done with me."


I can't understand why you would expect anything different.

If my wife told me to do something and I did it and then I got bashed for it, it would be a cold day in Hell before that happened again.

It's not age. I am 47 an hornier than a three peckered billy goat.

Maybe this isn't the first time you've refused him for some infraction?


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

I am in the same boat as you (other than the age span). A lot of similarities. More and more I feel like I am wasting my best years in a sexless marriage. When the sex first began declining after 6 months did he buy time or say it would improve? Or did he present himself as what he is- someone not that interested in sex? I think this makes a big difference. Surely you realized a 47-year-old might be a little less energetic.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Jamie829 said:


> Thanks for your responses. I should have been more clear- his testosterone came back on the low end of normal. He said he would look into libido boosters but hasn't.
> 
> He does not have erectile dysfunction, has no problems getting an erection and maintaining one. (On the rare occasion we do have sex!)
> 
> ...


I really hate to say this, but (there is always a but, isn't there) He could be deleting the internet history and in doing so the only way you will be able to see the sites he has been to once they have been deleted is to get a file recovery program... I am not saying that he is actually doing this, I am just saying..

I didn't think my husband watched that crap either. ... Not what I found out later.

My H isn't on the computer much at home either, he does the same thing as your H does.. Comes home, eats, watches TV and goes to bed, but somehow he still finds the time to view it.. Sneaks off in the middle of the night and or waits for me to leave the house.(that isn't an exaggeration either.)

I can tell you from personal experience the longer these problems go unsolved, the worse it is going to get (for you).. You think you are bitter and resentful now, wait a couple of years and you will be right where I'm at. Talking about it has done nothing and neither has anything else... Right now I am ready to walk out the door (I would have been gone already if we didn't have a 2 and a half year old.)

My husband has done the same as yours, only wanting to have sex when it is brought up and so on... The less you bring it up the less it will happen. He clearly has no issues with your sexlife (or maybe he does and just hasn't told you.)

I am not really sure what is really going on with your husband. I can only speculate ( from my life experiences).

If you need to talk or blow of steam send me a private message. I know exactly where you are right now.


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## Decleve2 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hi,
I am new to this forum and I really wanted to help you to find a few answers to your really stressful situation. I have been married 15 years myself and am now divorced. So I have experienced sex in relationship, casual sex and sex in marriage. 
First, you mentioned that your sex life was much better with your previous partners. Can I tall you something? Me too, the more casual the better, or while dating: You get dressed , you do something fun or romantic like going to the restaurant and here I am in the mood, valuated and happy. In a marriage, you see the person after the fun and the kids are a killer. Some men don't see easily their wife to be at the same time a "creative mistress". It might be the case of your husband. your motherhood (even though you lost the weigh) might be a turn off. It is not fair but some men don't feel sexual with the "mum" 
Some men have a low libido or it decrease early in life for whatever reason. That is also the danger of marrying someone older as in this case the age difference will aggravate the situation. My ex and I had 8 years difference and sexually there was no specific problem except that the age difference was comforting him in : "i am in control of the situation in life and in bed". If I enjoyed to have a "protector" and felt valuated to attract a more mature man in my 20s , I didn't find it that great 10 years later when I matured as a real woman and showed actually a extremely independent nature. The sex was boring with him because in marriage the daily state of where you stand in the relation enters the bedroom and because that the "in control, knows better" was not satisfactory anymore.Recently, some friends managed to make me date (nothing serious) an older man. What a catastrophe! We all went on holiday together and I had a great time...thanks to the wife in the other couple! The guy I accepted to date was hiding his age. Finally, I managed to see his passport and discover that there was 22 years difference. Do you know what there is in common physically between a 44 woman who is physically active ( can swim 2 hours a day) , has a killer body and a lot of energy and a man who is 66 and not too in shape: sexually nothing. Of course, he was looking to his 15 minutes performance everyday. But what do I care? When I came back , I met an ex boyfriend I have good relation with (my age) and had 1 and a half hour straight sex (not counting the preliminaries) and it felt good. 
Of course, at 47 your husband could still be sexually fulfilling and very sexual. With a bit of luck he could last until his late fifties (I am not talking about his personal satisfaction but what you will get out from it) . But from experience and the one of my single girlfriends , the older you go if the woman is active,the less the man can compensate the age difference. A woman can go for a very long time , it is not the case of the man. So one way or another, you are heading for trouble in the future and will be more and more disappointed if your are alpha and he is a beta in bed. Yes some couple make it work because the wife is beta and not sexual (or put is under the carpet for security, or is cheating) . I see that a lot among my Italian friends when the wife is 12 years younger, she sees a guarantee not to get dumped and a great occasion to let herself go after the children (mainly getting overweight). These women don't practice sport and having an older husband make it easier for them after 35. 
But , this is obviously not your case. Another problem you are heading to when your older is that your partner needs to slow down in real life, then have his retirement before you, stop contributing to the expense or the daily life or is worked to death which in any case gives you a big chance to be a widow for decades. So when I see young people posting on Internet "I am 23 and he is 20 years older with kids ... and it is awesome, sex is great, want to marry..." Yes, come back in 30 years and give me your opinion again. 
So to conclude , your difference of age might have effects in different aspects of your relationships and in fact contribute to worsen your sex life. For instance, maybe your husband realizes that he has put on himself the burden of a young man by having a kid. He is to work until at least 67!He is set to go down sexually while you haven't peaked yet! You are resentful because you realized you wasted part of your twenties and on some aspects might have to jump 2 decades on what you can experience. And you will be with an old man before the age! That is enough to kill a sex life if not a relation (that kids are not enough to keep alive, they usually challenge it) ! 
So good luck, take care of yourself and try to get back to or have a great job , you will need it! 

Decleve2


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, at 47, his libido could just be going away.
> 
> That's what happens.


I know it can happen. If a man does not eat healthy or exercise, libido can suffer. However in my case (56) I am as horny as ever. Although we have sex about 3 times a week, I want her every day!! Sex is on my mind constantly. I does not hurt that she is so HOT!! The only thing that I notice is that my recovery time is longer. Twice a day is harder now and it is best if there is a day in between. That is not to say that I can't go every day. We had sex every day on out 39th anniversary trip. And if she wanted it 3 or 4 times a day, I would GLADLY satisfy her orally!!!

To the OP, it is hard to tell you what to do. My wife has never had as strong of a sex drive as you do. (She is great in bed and is always willing, she just does not think about it) I have always wondered what it would be like to have a wife like you (never thought about leaving my wife, mind you). It seems like you would be a dream to many guys (just read all of the posts). So I don't know. Tell him that you can't stay in a marriage like this? Lay it all out for him? Get counseling? 

A sexless marriage cannot be healthy.


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## Decleve2 (Jan 12, 2012)

Having sex is not about about standing for rights but it is a place where both have to work to satisfy each other. However when the age gap is huge, the older one knows that he is getting a good deal sexually and even on other aspects(temporarily) and put the rest under the carpet. Many young women are foolish enough to think they are mature and will deal with the issue and in fact don't know what they are talking about. Their arrogance about the future is not self confidence but immaturity. Later, when the man starts to show signs of getting older (slowing down in activity, being set in his ways, old friends, being less sexual...) , the woman is trapped, panicking, with kids and the option of leaving is costly ( emotionally and financially). "She " is the one who won't be satisfied in her level of activity or sexuality, will be around other "old couples", will worry about "her" retirement, play the nurse instead of enjoying the second part of her young age. He will be still satisfied sexually and in other ways because whatever sex drive he will have that sill be his level of satisfaction. He will have the time for himself during retirement. An older man knows deep inside that this is not fair. Just think of how depressing is to see your own parents getting old, losing ground and die. With your husband, it is worse, instead of having a companion, you have a foot in the grave. I know a few women in their 40s, 50s who lost an older husband. They are lost because even if we have the same age, but they have been used to behave older. They dress older, they are less active, they have not many friends of their age, they are less joyful or adventurous. Sometimes they are left in absolute poverty. NO, it is not to recommend and YES when an older man takes it for granted that it is fun and valuated to look at a woman the age his daughter, he should ask himself if he will let his young wife to have young men when he won't satisfy her (or she will be tired to see his old body and face! Hey, come on, men are so visual, do you think women when they age a bit don't realize how nice it is to touch a relatively young skin. What attracted you for younger, will have the same effect on her one day! ) and will pay himself a nurse. If he is selfish why would he require sacrifices from his wife, unless he "buys" her with financial assets! I think a man should look for companionship and stop mixing the attractiveness of the youth for qualities that matter on the long run or take the consequences. Don't ask for sacrifices, you wouldn't do yourself in the first place!


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I would check into the porn.

My husband totally started ignoring me and I didn't know why. Porn, I found out was the problem.

His words were that "in porn everyone is beautiful, sexy, young and always a different person for variety". A wifey can't possibly compete with that. He needed those images to get him going, not looking at me.

Since he has refrained from porn, things have gotten much better although he closes his eyes while having sex (probably visualizing something or someone else). Short, tall, brown hair, blonde hair. He said it is very difficult to change the way you think a woman should look and act when you get used to porn. It's like brain-washing.

I believe this could be your problem.

My husband is 59, I thought it was lack of libido (age related), it wasn't. He is getting back to normal now.

It's very damaging.


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## Decleve2 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hi confused 55, 

You have a good point with porn and that is certainly a good thing to check as well if there could be someone else, or prostitutes .But even if this is what happened to you ,it is not necessary the magic explanation for each man losing his drive. A lot of guys like to watch porn or can be a bit obsessive. But in many case, it is just a side thing (like going to prostitutes or massage parlors once in a while) and not the cause of the problem. Personally, I never made a big deal about that stuff knowing that Mr perfect that tells you he never did it (before he met you) is probably a great hypocrite. After all, if as a woman I could get those services as easily as men (no commitment, just a nice time) , who knows, maybe I would have tried it! 
So , it is possible that this guy has an obsession and addiction to porn but it is just a possibility and there are many other ones. she probably needs to see a counselor ( a good one! ). what happened to you is not universal or it would be too easy. there are so many reasons to end up in miserable relationships!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Will this end up in the infidelity forum?


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## Decleve2 (Jan 12, 2012)

Who knows where this is going? Conversations are like life unpredictable!


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

It can happen earlier than 40s. My T hit the low 100s by the time I turned 36.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I really hate to say this, but (there is always a but, isn't there) He could be deleting the internet history and in doing so the only way you will be able to see the sites he has been to once they have been deleted is to get a file recovery program... I am not saying that he is actually doing this, I am just saying..
> 
> I didn't think my husband watched that crap either. ... Not what I found out later..


Porn has been a huge issue in our marriage, and I truly, truly believe it is the reason my husband has lost all interest in our intimacy. He, of course, would deny that, but when you have a husband who has had an interest in porn for 19 years, and now the key components of a loving, healthy marriage are virtually gone, how can that NOT be the reason?



ladybird said:


> I can tell you from personal experience the longer these problems go unsolved, the worse it is going to get (for you).. You think you are bitter and resentful now, wait a couple of years and you will be right where I'm at. Talking about it has done nothing and neither has anything else... Right now I am ready to walk out the door (I would have been gone already if we didn't have a 2 and a half year old.)
> 
> My husband has done the same as yours, only wanting to have sex when it is brought up and so on... The less you bring it up the less it will happen. He clearly has no issues with your sexlife (or maybe he does and just hasn't told you.)..


I agree! This problem within your marriage will only get worse if you do not deal with it head-on. We, sadly, are going on nearly seven years without intercourse. Seven years!! We have been intimate, orally, but even that is far and few between. Furthermore, like ladybird, I most always have to be the initiator. After a while, you just get tired of always asking. There's something very special about feeling "wanted" by your husband, but when you're the one who's always doing the asking, you begin to feel rejected, no longer attractive, no longer special, and on and on and on. It becomes a lonely road. 

When I would bring up my concern in regard to our extreme lack of intimacy, he would say the same thing over and over .... "It'll get better." Well, "better" has yet to happen. He now is blaming it on the fact that we have been married for 17 years. He claims that this is what happens to couples who have been married this long. 17 years??!! That's ridiculous!! I'm only 39 and he's only 47!! Furthermore, we have no children to keep us busy and tire us out. I just don't buy it! Again, in his eyes, it's not the porn; because according to my husband, most guys view porn. That, also, I do not buy. 

From a personal standpoint, our marriage is really struggling right now, and I can only hope that you can correct whatever is going on in yours; especially now, with a child in the picture. The only reason ladybird and I bring up the question of porn, is because we are traveling that road. That certainly may not be the case with your husband, but please know that my husband hid it from the very beginning and still continues to hide it. But .... I always find it (hard-core DVDs, in his case), and so, the cycle continues. How much longer I am willing to continue in a marriage such as this is what I am struggling with right now.

Again .... best of luck to you! I sincerely feel for you!


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