# How do you you found the one?



## MirandaS.

Hi guys, I'm not married yet and I don't think that I will be in the near future because I am so afraid of getting involved in a relationship. The thought of getting hurt and devastated of a broken heart terrifies me a lot. 

That is why I want to ask you, people who are in a long term successful marriage, how did you know that you found the right one? What process did you go through to be able to say that you are ready to be married whatever it takes? 

I am 22 years old and I just can't relate to surrendering myself wholly, although, I really want to have someone who will be with me no matter what. 

Your insights are really appreciated. thanks!


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## EleGirl

You are very young. My son is one year older than you. You feel the way you do because you are not ready to settle down, nor should you be.

The younger a person marries the more likely they will get a divorce. Take your time. Decide on the qualities you want your man to have and look for a man with them.


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## Stonewall

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


EleGirl said:


> You are very young. My one is one year older than you. You feel the way you do because you are not ready to settle down, nor should you be.
> 
> The younger a person marries the more likely they will get a divorce. Take your time. Decide on the qualities you want your man to have and look for a man with them.


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## SimplyAmorous

MirandaS. said:


> I'm not married yet and I don't think that I will be in the near future because I am so afraid of getting involved in a relationship. The thought of getting hurt and devastated of a broken heart terrifies me a lot.


 Can I ask WHY you feel this way...has your heart been broken in the past?.... have you seen loved one's hearts broken & shattered?

I have been the Hopeless Romantic Type since I was probably 10 yrs old, always liked boys, even in elementary school... had a # of puppy love boyfriends, but as I got older...... I was very serious about wanting to get serious... I wanted that 1 special boyfriend to fill my days.. Hanging out with the girls, for me, was pretty boring. 

So many young people seem like they just want to have FUN, live a little crazy, on the edge...change BF's & GF's like they do their shoes.... I was never like this... I had specific dreams and plans, I wanted a good guy who genuinelly cared about ME...cared about *US* , I wanted a Best friend, and someday a family to share together. IN this way, I would never "settle"... a man had to be on the same page, having the same dreams ....or I just knew...we'd be facing some trouble ahead. We all need to be matched well. Here is a thread I did to test that Matching ....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

You sound very "sensitive" Miranda, you don't want to be burned. Who does! I was very sensitive too, I never built up a hard shell though.... I can not relate to that -whereas many in their youth seem to DO...in order to "protect" themselves from many breakups... It helps to find a sensitive man, one who won't mistreat you, someone with some maturity, knows what they want in life, isn't swayed by the wind, has responsibility in thier lives & can communicate honesty. 

I know you are thinking...where do you find that ! Answer...not in a bad boy -or someone who hangs in bars! 

Because of how I seen my Mother "used" by men, I vowed at a very young age, I would never allow this... this is what would have devestated & shattered ME... It never made me fear men or relationships though...I was very willing to respond to boys liking me....

This is how I protected myself....

I realized I had the POWER to choose how much I will give of myself...to a guy....this was MY TESTING of what was in his heart .....Somehow this took the devestation sting out of a relationship not lasting...I would share who I was emotionally (this always came pretty easy to me).... but if he was not willing to wait for the physical .... till I was ready...not pushing making me feel like I was weird but respecting me, letting me know he valued ME above all ......that I was worth the wait....I would know he was not that "into me", it was not about love but more LUST.....fleeting....guys being guys, I am replacable....this is what I would tell myself. This was how I weeded them out.. but I was alot younger than you! I did a thread on what I will teach my daughter in respect to these very very important things here... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...-sex-relation-love-her-emotions-her-life.html

So in my head....until I knew that I knew that I knew ....that HE is my Prince...He loves me for me, even with my imperfections, vulnerabilites, craziness, bad days....until then ,access to my secret places was off limits. I had a few guys who didn't want to stick around, but the pain was so much lessor ..and I would tell myself.......They were not the one! I still met mine very young - at 15. He was 18. 

What would devestate YOU MirandaS ?? if that is your real picture, you have a very beautiful smiling face. 



> why I want to ask you, people who are in a long term success in marriage, how did you know that you found the right one? What process did you go through to be able to say that you are ready whatever it takes?


This is my answer: 










When a guy treats you like a Treasure, like you are the sun coming up in His morning, when he wants to be with you, spend time with you, listen to you, when he talks about the future & treats you like you are a part of it, caring as much  about how you feel.....isn't this what we all crave? 

And of course you need to be "into him"- have that physical attraction going on as well. And give it TIME...


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## Mavash.

The process for me was start with a list of wants and dealbreakers. After that it was a matter of who I loved and who I had chemistry with. I knew within 3 days that my husband was THE one. Been married for almost 21 years now.


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## SimplyAmorous

Mavash. said:


> The process for me was start with a list of wants and* dealbreakers*. After that it was a matter of who I loved and who I had chemistry with.


Very true, we ALL have dealbreakers...there is nothing wrong with this... and to KNOW what they are, and be able to speak them, not being ashamed of them... this will help us weed them out even quicker. Deal breakers are different for all of us...

If you want kids someday, don't stick around with a man who is wish washy about it.

If you want to get married, don't stay with somene who wants to string you along & live together.

If you HATE Porn & would never put up with it, make sure your man is one who agrees with you & won't be hiding it down the road. 

If you would not tolerate a Smoker....tell him it is the cigarettes or you...early on. (I did this- mine quick that day. Never lit another).

If you value being Thrifty & saving for a rainy day, don't marry someone who blows $$ to the wind & can't pay his bills, this is asking for heartache. 



Here is a Deal breaker thread... I probably have the longest list on there. .... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/44191-whats-your-deal-breaker.html

.


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## Mavash.

SA that's so funny I did the same thing with my husband on the smoking. Within 2 weeks of meeting my now husband I broke up with him. Smoking was one of my dealbreakers too. He quit and hasn't had another one since. 

Which brings up a good point never ever ever assume a man will change after he gets married. He won't. Any change will need to be accomplished BEFORE you get in too deep otherwise that's on you. By allowing it to continue you are essentially saying it's okay.


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## heartsbeating

MirandaS. said:


> Hi guys, I'm not married yet and I don't think that I will be in the near future because I am so afraid of getting involved in a relationship. The thought of getting hurt and devastated of a broken heart terrifies me a lot.
> 
> That is why I want to ask you, people who are in a long term success in marriage, how did you know that you found the right one? What process did you go through to be able to say that you are ready whatever it takes?
> 
> I am 22 years old and I just can't relate to surrendering myself wholly, although, I really wanted to have someone who will be with me no matter what.
> 
> Your insights are really appreciated. thanks!


I was talking to a friend the other night (yes, over a bottle of red wine) who is in her mid-30's, same as me. Her boyfriend has moved in with her. This is a first for her - she is very much used to the single life. She told me she has concerns that he will leave her..... and he has those same concerns about her. She is scared of getting hurt and is in new territory with letting another so close.

I wasn't even considering a serious boyfriend when I met the guy that would be my husband. We were young, both 18 and we just fit. I was guarded in the beginning about my "independence" and feared getting hurt, mostly because there was a chance he would go back to his home country. That was 17-18 years ago now. I shared with my friend the other night that I didn't know what the outcome would be for my H and I way back then. I didn't even know where we'd be last year when working through our relationship stuff. There's no guarantee with these things. I do know how I feel with him though and I know what we have is worth the journey we share. As people we are constantly changing. Hopefully those changes have us ending up on the same page. But ultimately, I'd want him to be happy - whether that's with or without me. 

I think with any relationship, there's a moment where you need to "free-fall" and just allow yourself to give in to the experience. You are simply here for the experience, for however long it lasts and wherever it may take you. Sure, you can help navigate that experience, but as with everything in life, there's an impermanence. Hurt and pain can never be avoided. It's part of the human condition.


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## heartsbeating

MirandaS. said:


> I am 22 years old and I just can't relate to surrendering myself wholly, although, I really wanted to have someone who will be with me no matter what.
> 
> Your insights are really appreciated. thanks!


Also, what do you mean by "surrendering myself wholly"? 

You don't need to "lose" yourself in the relationship. It can be mutually inspiring.


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## SimplyAmorous

heartsbeating said:


> Also, what do you mean by "surrendering myself wholly"?
> 
> You don't need to "lose" yourself in the relationship. It can be mutually inspiring.


Miranda has not been back on here but what I took WHOLLY to mean was... emotionally and physically. And that is why I answered my post the way I did... (for me)... .to open up emotionally ....but hold on to the physcial, I felt it wouldn't hurt AS MUCH if he left... somehow to surrender it all (at least too fast)...would be way more devestating somehow, but so true.... *life is a RISK*, and if we don't take the risk we will miss it all !








.......


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## MirandaS.

EleGirl said:


> You are very young. My son is one year older than you. You feel the way you do because you are not ready to settle down, nor should you be.
> 
> The younger a person marries the more likely they will get a divorce. Take your time. Decide on the qualities you want your man to have and look for a man with them.


Thanks EleGirl for the insight. I really appreciate it. 

About the comment on the younger the person marries the more chances of divorce---> Is there a right age for a person to get married or it depends on a person's experience? What I mean is, how can a person say that it's time to marry this person?


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## romantic_guy

Well, you really don't want to take our route! We got married at 16 & 17 because she was pregnant. Somehow though I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Oh sure there have been some really rough times, but we got counseling, read books on sex and relationships together, and worked on our own stuff. We will celebrate 40 years in July. We are best friends and passionate lovers. My best advice is find someone who is your best friend. Someone with whom you have many common interests and someone you enjoy spending time with. We just returned from a week in Florida and I swear I am going through withdrawl! We were together 24/7 and I really miss her during the day. We can never be together too much. Marry your best friend!


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## jesicabroom

If you want to get success in love do only one thing stop your expectations from your lover means be unconditional start this approach from right now.


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## romantic_guy

MirandaS. said:


> I am 22 years old and I just can't relate to surrendering myself wholly, although, I really want to have someone who will be with me no matter what.


Maybe you have the wrong idea of marriage. Even though my wife and I do things with each other far more than we do things apart, we are still two separate individuals. I think the "surrender" thing happens mutually in our case. Read my signature. No one can be totally unselfish, but we really try to live that verse.


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## Jellybeans

So I will be contradictory here in saying that:

I think when you meet someone you hit it off with "in that way," you just _know_.

But at the same time, I don't believe in "The One." I don't believe in "soulmates" either. 

I do agree with Simply that you should look to ACTIONS vs. WORDS.

It does sound like you've gotten your heart broken befoe. That is just a part of life though. Don't dwell on it. Know that life does go on and time heals.


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## MrVanilla

romantic_guy said:


> Even though my wife and I do things with each other far more than we do things apart, we are still two separate individuals.


I think this is key. It's not about surrender, it's about joining forces. Two separate and independent people making a choice to combine their efforts to achieve mutual goals in life. I wasn't looking when I found my wife, she wasn't looking either, and we didn't _need_ a relationship. We could have kept on successfully by ourselves.


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