# cheating husband, ending marriage; please help..



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

thank you for taking the time to read..

obviously i am here due to the hope that i will be able to save our marriage. but i am also accepting the fact that if he really wants to leave, he can. im all out of energy and probably need to start being courageous about the potential divorce!

we're multinational couple. he is from x country and im from y country, we live in my country with our 2 years old child. recently, his long time 'friend' visited and they were gone for a week trip and another one for a 3 day trip. i found out it wasnt just a friendly trip, they were screwing. 

last week, she who is also from country x came back boldly to visit my husband in our resident city and he chose to stay with her and that whole weekend. over that time, she managed to convince him that he was happier back then in their country and able to make him believe that he is better off without me. she did well. because last night hubby said that its over and we are 'for now' seperating.

during her visits, i still serve my duties as a wife. i served him, takes care of the family and run our house.

he claimed that he doesnt love me and wants to pursue his chances with her; thinking that she is a better person for him. she will be coming back to visit him in the next month or so, and continue to do so until september because she is taking a long break from work. 

ok, now my problem is...
it was just minutes after he said we should sleep separately. i was just turning my back and before he said "i am so attracted to you, please dont give me sh*t for telling you how i feel. you can still sleep here and share this bed with me" ... then sex happened. 

we woke up and had some more sex, he dropped me off to work, kiss my forehead and give a peck on my lips. as if last month didnt happen :scratchhead:

what do i do? what is this? am i crazy? should i leave? someone please share some insights? thank you very much in advance..


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

scae1212 said:


> recently, *his long time 'friend' visited* and they were gone for a week trip and another one for a 3 day trip. i found out it wasnt just a friendly trip, they were screwing.


You can bet your a$$ they have been having an affair for awhile now. 



scae1212 said:


> last week, she who is also from country x came back boldly to visit my husband in our resident city and *he chose to stay with her and that whole weekend.*


Should have put your foot down.



scae1212 said:


> during her *visits,* i still serve my duties as a wife. i served him, takes care of the family and run our house.


Wait, there have been other "visits?" Meaning, plural?



scae1212 said:


> *he claimed that he doesnt love me and wants to pursue his chances with her; thinking that she is a better person for him. *


This is where you tell him "Cool. So you should pack up and leave because I am not participating in your affair. If you want out, you can leave now." 



scae1212 said:


> ok, now my problem is...
> it was just minutes after he said we should sleep separately. i was just turning my back and before *he said "i am so attracted to you, please dont give me sh*t for telling you how i feel. you can still sleep here and share this bed with me" ... then sex happened.
> *
> 
> ...


No, you should NOT leave your home with your child because HE is the one who is straight up disrespectingyou and cheating you.

You should also NOT sleep with him.

He has made it abundantly clear he does not care for your feeligns, respect you as a wife or woman (who in the world spends a whole weekend with their lover, rubbing it in the wife's face, with wife at home, saying to wife that they don't love her anymore/want a life with someone else/ and then says to their wife afterwards "hey I am still really attracted to you ... let's have sex...and again sex."

Girl you are being PLAYED in the worst way.

Stand up for yourself. NO sex/goodies for him.

If he wants to have his little affair, tell him he can go right ahead and do that but you will NOT be his back up plan. Exit door left (tell him to go). He is being very very selfish and you need to call him out on it.

Also, get tested for STDs.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and ask the mods to move this thread over to the Coping with Infidelity section. you will get more responses there.


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

Hi Jellybeans,
thank you for your response. unfortunately, it is a bit difficult to kick him out of the house, we are living in a house owned by his parents.

im growing heartache and hate between my first post until now.

How do i ask the mods to move my thread? thanks again!


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> recently, his long time 'friend' visited and they were gone for a week trip and another one for a 3 day trip.


Tell us more about this friend. How did he introduce you to her? What kind of interaction do they normally have? Regular e-mails, calls, posts on FB, etc?

How does he know her? From school, family, work, a chance meeting at a bar?

How many times did she visit the two of you at your home?

And more if you can think of it.....


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

scae1212 said:


> Hi Jellybeans,
> thank you for your response. unfortunately, it is a bit difficult to kick him out of the house, we are living in a house owned by his parents.
> 
> im growing heartache and hate between my first post until now.
> ...


Have you told his parents? Not just about the cheating but the extra level of disrespect for rubbing your face in it?

I don't know if he will leave, but I would certainly pack his bags and drop them off at his parents house with the message that since he wants her, you assume he no longer wants you.

Also, stop being his wife. He does not want to be your husband, so stop doing stuff that takes care of him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

scae1212 said:


> thank you for taking the time to read..
> 
> obviously i am here due to the hope that i will be able to save our marriage. but i am also accepting the fact that if he really wants to leave, he can. im all out of energy and probably need to start being courageous about the potential divorce!
> 
> ...


This man is not worthy of being your husband. Stop the sex, NOW. I agree that you should pack his bags and take them to his parents. If he wants to see the other woman, he can do so living under their scrutiny AWAY from you. Get out of this man's life, or he will continue doing to you exactly what he is doing now.


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Tell us more about this friend. How did he introduce you to her? What kind of interaction do they normally have? Regular e-mails, calls, posts on FB, etc?
> 
> How does he know her? From school, family, work, a chance meeting at a bar?
> 
> ...


they are college friends. he hadnt seen her in a year or so because we're living halfway around the globe. she did not visit the house, she came, they went to nearby cities and lastly to our recident city. i havent met her or make any sort of contact with her, she knows i exist and i know she exist. they talk on facebook and whatsapp. at some days, she sould call him in the middle of the night :whip:

Ok, im gonna be shallow now, i have a confession; I went into H facebook account and read their conversation few months ago, before she came.

it was all friendly talks in the beginning, she would tell him that she repeatedly cheating on her BF and wanted to leave him. She had also been seeing another married guy. H would tell her that im very nice and i was indeed the 'ONE' for him. 

After she came, i found out that she would manipulate and convinced H that he made a big mistake and being with me doesnt make him a happy person like the way she used to know him. 

she is on a long break from work and will be coming back and forth to here until september. i suspect she is planning to move here or nearby countries.

thats all i know for now.

3Xnocharm and Tall Average Guy; i havent talk to his parents. and i cant travel 11.000 km away to drop his bags at his parents  

right now we have a dear friend visiting and staying at ours. he doesnt show any signs of ending marriage to our friend. in front of him he speaks of how wonderful i am and planning to take me on holiday to visit our friend's recident city.

boy i am confused! :scratchhead:

mainly because i love him and wants our marriage to work. i acknowledge that your advices are the best of its kinds for me but it is really is not that simple... or perhaps this is cowardice?

thank you again for your responses, i really do appreciate it..


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So basically she's a serial cheating home wrecker who now has set her sights on your husband. She very obviously threw easy sex, told him what a grest lover he is etc, to basically lure him in, and he fell for it. he doesnt reakize thst with her history it won't be long before she is cheating on him too.

1. See a lawyer ASAP, and find out how to protect you and your child. Force him to provide financially for you and the child, he can just dump you and jump to her.

Basically you want to make it very difficult and painful for him financially to be with her.

2. Exposé the affair wide and far, to his family and friends, and especially to his parents, and play up hard how he is abandoning his child.

3. Find out about her friends and family, and expose hard over there that she is a swanky home wrecker.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

scae1212 said:


> it was all friendly talks in the beginning, she would tell him that she repeatedly cheating on her BF and wanted to leave him. She had also been seeing another married guy. H would tell her that im very nice and i was indeed the 'ONE' for him.


Even better! Let him have her!!! This will be a disaster!



scae1212 said:


> right now we have a dear friend visiting and staying at ours. he doesnt show any signs of ending marriage to our friend. in front of him he speaks of how wonderful i am and planning to take me on holiday to visit our friend's recident city.
> 
> *boy i am confused! :scratchhead:*


What are you confused about? he is playing you. He has told you he wants to be with her. He is using you for sex and the background. Don't you think you deserve better?

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You should start doing the 180. Let him know if he wants her he should go to her. Letting him go will be the best thing you can do. 

The fact that he still want to have sex with you is just him eating cake.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Ovid said:


> You should start doing the 180. Let him know if he wants her he should go to her. Letting him go will be the best thing you can do.
> 
> The fact that he still want to have sex with you is just him eating cake.


:iagree: (I wish I could like multiple times)

As you can't move out of the house, stop being his wife. Tell everyone. Don't feel bad about getting onto his facebook. In fact, go back on it and post screenshots of his threads to his wall so all his friends and family can see what a douche he is being to you.

Get a lawyer. Get divorce papers drawn up and have him served. Like Ovid said, do the 180. You will only open up to him again if he gives up this fantasy of a better life with the OW. If he doesn't then he has chosen her over you. You will not be waiting for him to come back when the land of lollipops and unicorns turns out to be lie. 

And do not have sex with him. If you need the release, get a nice big vibrator, lock the bedroom door and have at it. Moan and squeal in delight. Especially if he is pounding on the door to get in. Show him that you can be quite happy without him.


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

sorry for the late reply, i do not have access to internet this past few days. thank you everyone for your honest, constructive opinions. 

i was here to see if i could save this marriage... and it seems like everyone thinks im better off alone. but, i dont know, perhaps im just destined to accept this path of life :redcard:

things has got better at home, we had an amazing house warming party on saturday; we were happy and he told everyone how amazing i am.

we talked and he took back everything he said few nights ago... with a some revision :rofl:

to cut things short, we're gonna stay married for now. i do hope that i wont be making any posts anymore. i'll be back to check on all of you though! thank you so much for all of attention and responses :smnotworthy:


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

There is nothing wrong with fighting for your marriage - that's what it's for in a way.

Please understand, you have just "rugswept" an enormous problem and it will come back to bite you.

You have just accepted a whole line of nonsense from a husband whom has treated you with contempt. The next time this woman shows up, he'll be off again. You are showing your husband that you don't even respect yourself by accepting his ridiculous excuses.

You should expose the affair. That is your main defence for now.

I'll leave it there, as without doing that your marriage is headed for a sticky end I'm afraid.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

scae1212 said:


> sorry for the late reply, i do not have access to internet this past few days. thank you everyone for your honest, constructive opinions.
> 
> i was here to see if i could save this marriage... and it seems like everyone thinks im better off alone. but, i dont know, perhaps im just destined to accept this path of life :redcard:
> 
> ...


scae

Do not bury your head in the sand.

let his parents know that he is cheating on you and he next time his GF comes to town embarrass her & him like a scorned woman should.

Run her off!

HM64


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

And curtain, cut scene.....


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I have a bad feeling...


----------



## teeny5172 (May 27, 2013)

Let me tell you from experience, if he has done it once he will do it again. I stayed and am completely miserable, don't do what I did, get out


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

i am from and living in a country and culture where divorce is almost non-existent. a lot of women suffered living the way they do, under so many wrong doings done by their husbands.

women stayed, adjust and carried on. few left, got divorced and suffered more than they do in the first place. i liked the idea of thinking i will have a better chance, a happy marriage life with someone else who truly loves me and will never leave my side...

but that life and someone is not here, not in my country and not in my culture. i am damaged... more damaged because i have children. i dont want to be alone and have people looking at me with funny look and bad ideas in their minds.

i do appreciate your comments, your concerns, your bad feeling about my marriage, but i do not have other options but to stay and adapt. i will have a husband and sometimes i will not... 

i know he will do it again... not only with this woman, but with others too...

i am A COWARD :yawn2:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not a coward. You are a woman who is in shock. We are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is the divorce rate in your country?

Your husband is exposing you to STDs. His cheating could make you very ill or kill you.

Have you been to a doctor to make sure he has not given you one or more STDs?


Do you make enough to support yourself? What will you do if he leaves you for another woman?

Surely their are men in your country who leave their wife as your husband has told you that he would do. What do those women do?


.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

scae1212 said:


> i am from and living in a country and culture where divorce is almost non-existent. a lot of women suffered living the way they do, under so many wrong doings done by their husbands.
> 
> women stayed, adjust and carried on. few left, got divorced and suffered more than they do in the first place. i liked the idea of thinking i will have a better chance, a happy marriage life with someone else who truly loves me and will never leave my side...
> 
> ...


Hey, don't be hard on yourself. You have to make things work for you - not for "us" or other cultural norms.

You seem to know what it is you're doing and that's half the battle.

Take care of yourself. Have pride in who you are. Keep posting as it can help a lot and there are always people with a sympathetic ear and who understand the pain infidelity can cause.


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What is the divorce rate in your country?
> 
> Your husband is exposing you to STDs. His cheating could make you very ill or kill you.
> 
> ...


i havent really checked whats the divorce rate around here, but i've lived here long enough to know that there isnt much.

thank you for your concern on the stds, i think i will make myself go to nearby doctor to check myself. thank you, i appreciate it your concern.

i am not sure what we're doing, he is not leaving me. he was on his knees saying that he wont ever ever leave me. 

however, i know he'll stay a cheater. question is, can i accept this for the long run? 



Chris989 said:


> Hey, don't be hard on yourself. You have to make things work for you - not for "us" or other cultural norms.
> 
> You seem to know what it is you're doing and that's half the battle.
> 
> Take care of yourself. Have pride in who you are. Keep posting as it can help a lot and there are always people with a sympathetic ear and who understand the pain infidelity can cause.





MattMatt said:


> You are not a coward. You are a woman who is in shock. We are here for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you really dont know how much these words means to me. although frankly speaking i still dont know and not sure what the h*ck am i doing..

he is taking me for a short trip this weekend, i think thats great move... although it may not change the fact he'll stay a cheater. i'll keep posting and see what happens. for now, is it wrong for me to just accept that i am married to a cheater who cant leave me for good? oh life... :slap:


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What is the divorce rate in your country?
> 
> Your husband is exposing you to STDs. His cheating could make you very ill or kill you.
> 
> ...


yes, i make enough support for me and my kid if he leaves 
the divorced women they work too, but i guess its pretty hard when people around your work (too) gossiping about how much of a failure you are being a divorce. often i feel that it is not fair for them *sigh*


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

scae1212 said:


> he is taking me for a short trip this weekend, i think thats great move... although it may not change the fact he'll stay a cheater. i'll keep posting and see what happens. for now, is it wrong for me to just accept that i am married to a cheater who cant leave me for good? oh life... :slap:


It isn't wrong; in some circumstances members of this board might feel that you may be happier out of the marriage if your spouse continues cheating, but if things were that simple there would be no need for sites like this.

People make their peace with the world in all sorts of different ways; it is very easy for some random, anonymous contributor to say that you should leave your marriage but it might not be the best thing. 

If nothing else, you are probably still in shock from the discovery.

Give yourself time. That is one thing I have learned time and again since discovering my ex wife's betrayal.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do you have access to marriage counseling? At least do this if not, read some books on repairing the marriage. Please try to work on you, don't blame yourself or allow him to blame you for the affair. Know that you will have triggers which is why MC works best but books can too.

Good luck, it makes me sad that people have to conform because of their culture but I understand.'it takes very strong and detriment people to make the changes they want to see in their culture. They normally take great hits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I don't know your culture so maybe this is irrelevant, but maybe you could crank up the sex appeal of your wardrobe etc and get him to scared to be away from you to be off cheating.


----------



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Scae ... Hope I don't come across as being nosey ... Was it an arranged marriage ??


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> It isn't wrong; in some circumstances members of this board might feel that you may be happier out of the marriage if your spouse continues cheating, but if things were that simple there would be no need for sites like this.
> 
> People make their peace with the world in all sorts of different ways; it is very easy for some random, anonymous contributor to say that you should leave your marriage but it might not be the best thing.
> 
> ...


 thank you for trying to understand where im coming from.. as you may already know. it is easier said than done. how long ago was your incident? i am sorry that it happened to you too...
time will heal and your heart knows whats best.. at least for now.




mablenc said:


> Do you have access to marriage counseling? At least do this if not, read some books on repairing the marriage. Please try to work on you, don't blame yourself or allow him to blame you for the affair. Know that you will have triggers which is why MC works best but books can too.
> 
> Good luck, it makes me sad that people have to conform because of their culture but I understand.'it takes very strong and detriment people to make the changes they want to see in their culture. They normally take great hits.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i do not have access to MC, but im reading books and surfs the nets to get myself through. You made a great point for 'working on me' and 'not having myself to blame for the affair' :smthumbup:

on a lighter note, yeah i dont think im strong enough to make a change in this department  



Ovid said:


> I don't know your culture so maybe this is irrelevant, but maybe you could crank up the sex appeal of your wardrobe etc and get him to scared to be away from you to be off cheating.


:toast: Im lovin' the idea



Overthemoon88 said:


> Scae ... Hope I don't come across as being nosey ... Was it an arranged marriage ??


No over the moon, we dated for four years before we got married and had the time of our lifes.


----------



## lovely2011 (May 28, 2013)

1. Take your child and go back to YOUR parents or anybody that you can stay with.
2. Think for yourself and what YOU want and where you want to be.
I think if you stay in his presence you are going to be confused on what you should do, therefore some time to yourself might be beneficial to see the true light on what your decision should be. The fact that he thinks that he can wuu you with a couple of cute words shows that he knows how to keep you around. Yes he tells everybody you are amazing and you think that everything is better. The fact that you believe his words makes him well aware that you are more than willing to engage in sexual encounters with him and in the same time he knows that he can come back whenever he wants to. Yes you might still want your marriage but by you leaving and getting some time to clear your head maybe this will be a chance to see how much he WANTS it and how much he will come after you. If he doesn't then you will see that he does not care if he does then maybe he will see what he is loosing and he will be trying to win you over agian. Don't give in so easily, he's the one that made the mistake here, remember that.


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

lovely2011 said:


> Yes you might still want your marriage but by you leaving and getting some time to clear your head maybe this will be a chance to see how much he WANTS it and how much he will come after you. If he doesn't then you will see that he does not care if he does then maybe he will see what he is loosing and he will be trying to win you over agian. Don't give in so easily, he's the one that made the mistake here, remember that.


i wish i can be a little more tough about it but in fact i cant...


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why don't you expose his gf to her bf and parents ? That should keep her off your H's back for now


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Why don't you expose his gf to her bf and parents ? That should keep her off your H's back for now


he protects her, warlock. if i do that, im dead. so situation now, whether i can swallow this down my throat, or i leave.

he still wants to stay married and i am too. when things are good, they are wonderful... just that sometimes 'this' happen.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> he protects her, warlock. if i do that, im dead


You are just letting him bully you. Did he explicitly threated physical violence ? This woman is a skank going about destroying marriages. Her bf is in your position , only he doesn't know about it yet. You are a strong woman. You are just scared of the unknown right now.

What country are you in ? (and nationalities, if you don't mind)


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You are just letting him bully you. Did he explicitly threated physical violence ? This woman is a skank going about destroying marriages. Her bf is in your position , only he doesn't know about it yet. You are a strong woman. You are just scared of the unknown right now.
> 
> What country are you in ? (and nationalities, if you don't mind)


not just threatened, i have been hit. not fatally hit, but was hit. im going to PM you on whereabouts i am, not so comfortable telling it in public..


----------



## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> This woman is a skank going about destroying marriages. Her bf is in your position


i know she is. she had slept with other woman's husbands as well, at the moment she is just busy with mine. her v is quite public, really. i know this for fact because i secretly read their fb chats and she used to tell my H about the guys she is sleeping with..


----------

