# I am a punching bag



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I have come on here posting snippets of my relationship issues. I don't think I have ever posted my whole story so here she goes.
I was married for 9 years to an abusive man. Psychopath more-so. As long as he was 100% in control, he was fine. He was physically abusive to the kids and sexually and verbally abusive to me. When our relationship ended, he was spooky. He was spying on me and stalking me. 

I had woken up to him standing at the foot of the bed in the middle of the night staring at me when he was supposed to be living elsewhere. I got a big dog and the kids and I all slept in the same bed out of fear. Ex was smart enough that he never did things overtly physically abusive to the children. It was always dismissed as differing parenting styles. I tried police, courts, civil restraining orders - he did get charged once, but they were dropped by the prosecution after he attended parenting and anger management classes. Anyways all done now, we have been divorced for over 11 years.

I was alone for close to four years. I had boyfriends, but took pride in managing my own life.

I met my husband while shopping. He used to manage a store I frequented. I had known him socially for years. Well this one day we were both single and went on a date. He was everything I wanted. He was generous with the kids and me. He was adventurous and liked impromptu trips to the mountains for snowboarding etc. We both stated that we wanted to have kids that we didn't have to share. We wanted to have children in a two-parent household like our other children didn't get a chance to experience. 

We were quickly married - yes within that scary 6 month BPD honeymoon phase. We lost our first daughter 6 months into the pregnancy. We got pregnant again. It was at that time, he began to change. My main social outing is supper every month with my old high school girlfriends. He would always pick a fight when I had supper night. It's like he wanted to create an emergency so I wouldn't go. I always went regardless of what fit he pulled before and after. It was as silly as if I texted him at 8:30 and asked if he wanted me to pick up anything on my way home as I was just waiting for the cheque. When I came home at 8:50, he was mad because he had been expecting me within 5 minutes when I indicated I was leaving. He would say stupid things like had I not texted him a time he wouldn't be mad.

Lose - lose situations.

He started picking fights with my teenage kids. Nit-picky stuff about leaving stuff around or not eating leftovers before making something new to eat or leaving lights on. He was correct with his ideas, he just took everything one or two steps too far. Silent treatment for days, or saying they have no respect. It put me in the middle. While I agreed they should pick stuff up or eat leftovers before making something new to eat, I would mention it. I didn't agree with his verbal abuse and withholding affection. I then was the bad guy to him for not supporting him. We've been to numerous counselors who told him that my kids were teen years when we married. He had to let me discipline them and support me. He hears what he wants and twists it to me supporting him.

When our sons were born, he took them when it suited him. I remember being up all night with the baby and asking him if he could care for the baby one morning so I could sleep in. He said if I couldn't handle being a mother I should have thought of it before I gave birth. I never asked for help since, even carrying a 25 pound kid 3 days after surgery rather than ask for help. If I ask for help with him watching the kids so I can have a bath, I get asked as to why my teenage kids can't do that. Excuse me, we chose to have the babies not my older kids. 

He is a master manipulator. He does laundry and dishes obsessively, evern taking the water glass out of your hand after your last sip. According to him, he is the only one who does housework. I guess floors, bathrooms etc just clean themselves. If someone mentions there are other chores that need to get done like lawn mowing and shoveling (which my son does along with attend school and working 30 hours a week), has asks if we expect him to do it all along with work night shifts.

He choses to work nights so we don't need a sitter. I try to let him sleep taking the kids the second I walk in the door. He can't sleep but that's my fault. He cries he is killing himself and no one cares. I hired a sitter, he cancelled her. I work 8 hour days and come home and do 100% child care duties and I don't see any thank yous coming my way either.

I need to do a part two or three later. It's a lot to get out. It's like a journal for me now, but any comments are welcome if interested.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you still with him?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi golfergirl ~

I'm so sorry for all of the trauma that you have had to endure.

You mentioned that you and your H had attended counseling numerous times.

Are you in any kind of individual counseling just for yourself?

Do you have family/friends who can provide support to you as well?

Best wishes!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Are you still with him?


Still here. I have two little boys that I don't want to be away from 50-50 worse case scenario and weekends best case scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Still here. I have two little boys that I don't want to be away from 50-50 worse case scenario and weekends best case scenario.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


is it better for them to see how youre treated?
and to learn that is how women are to be treated?

youre in a terrible situation you, or the children, dont need to be in.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Hi golfergirl ~
> 
> I'm so sorry for all of the trauma that you have had to endure.
> 
> ...


Counseling has been a disaster from the get-go. My H started with a counselor to have her move. He then started over with another counselor and she moved as well. He moved into more intensive therapy with someone who was tough and called him on his excuses and he kept cancelling appointments. 

When we went, it was hard to get more than two appointments a month. I am trying to find a new counselor (haven't been since December). 

So his take is he's been through all this counseling and he thinks he's been fixed. He's great at initial counseling when they hear his story and he talks. When it comes time to do the work, either the counselor moves (not his fault) or he bails.

He hears what he wants. He'll watch a Dr. Phil show and come away with Dr. Phil blamed a mom for not being firm enough with her son and that Dr. Phil gave the dad all rights. Well in recap, not even close. The dad was a scam artist heading to jail for fraud and abusive. Dr. Phil was scolding mom for not being firm enough in sticking up for her son. When speaking to him about it after, he admits he caught part of show only. Funny the part that supports him.

Counseling has made things worse. I am firmer with my boundaries which causes more fights. But I know it can't get better until I lay my boundaries down. He wants to go to MC again but he wants the counselor to set me straight.

Our source of conflict are my kids, his daughter and my ex and money. The only ones we miss are physical abuse and cheating.

I'll touch on those in my next posting.

Thanks for feedback and listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I'll be waiting to read next section.

For now, my opinion seems to be that he has "become a master maniuplator"... because he feels he is not appreciated. He wants verbal, or other love communication that he is not getting.

Just sounds like he is frustrated with life, and does not know or have a good venting place outside of the marriage/family to blow off his steam.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> is it better for them to see how youre treated?
> and to learn that is how women are to be treated?
> 
> youre in a terrible situation you, or the children, dont need to be in.


I'm really trying to come to terms with that because I know you're right. I read people's stories about how they have effectively managed a divorce and been ok with things and I am so trying to get there. It's not even like I have hope when things are good. I know he'll have a fit sooner than later. My respect for him is little. I do suspect BPD and know one day this will be done. I am being painted black more and more. Just trying to get the strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Still here. I have two little boys that I don't want to be away from 50-50 worse case scenario and weekends best case scenario.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow....


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Chelle D said:


> I'll be waiting to read next section.
> 
> For now, my opinion seems to be that he has "become a master maniuplator"... because he feels he is not appreciated. He wants verbal, or other love communication that he is not getting.
> 
> Just sounds like he is frustrated with life, and does not know or have a good venting place outside of the marriage/family to blow off his steam.


His background. His parents divorced when he was 2 - his mom abandoning him and his sister. he was raised by his dad and housekeepers until his dad remarried when he was 4. His mom took him and his sister for a visit and moved overseas, kidnapping him and his sister. His childhood memories are effed. He thought he moved overseas as a teen with both parents. He was confusing his stepdad as being his real dad in his time-line. His mom lied to him when he became old enough to question - saying his dad ditched the family. He tracked his dad down 35 years after he was kidnapped by his mom. H is now 53 and only figured out the kidnapping at age 50. His dad is a minsiter and tells H to forgive his mom. On the surface he does, but he seethes with hatred for her. She tries to get money from him and lies about stupid things to this day. H wonders why his dad didn't look for him. He wonders why his dad is so easy to forgive. His dad wants to rug sweep. I see where BPD could have happened due to abandonment 
etc. I feel for him - his life sucked. But he is at a point where he can make a good life from this point on or let his past screw up his remaining years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

ETA he was 6 when kidnapped and didn't see his dad again until age 41


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And he refuses to go to therapy?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Conrad said:


> And he refuses to go to therapy?


He says he'll go. When mad he says that I need to be told what I'm doing wrong (not strict enough with 16 year old son). He blames that for all our issues - and gets mad when I say his past causes a lot of problems for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Still sounds like he is lacking an activity to do outside of the family/marriage that could help him blow off some built up frustrations. 

He needs something to be able to go do when he starts feeling like he wants to control & yell about all the insignificant "little " things, that could be "big things" to him.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> We were quickly married - yes within that scary 6 month BPD honeymoon phase.


GG, I agree that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformations, sense of entitlement, double standard, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD. Given that you are determined to tough it out by staying with him (for the kids), I have three suggestions. 

One is to read _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling book targeted to spouses living with people having strong BPD traits. My second suggestion is to start participating (or at least lurking) in the "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" message board at BPDfamily.com. Third, I suggest you speak to a clinical psychologist, on your own, to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your children are dealing with. Take care, GG.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> Just checking for understanding and I'm out reading this on my IPhone which is small and I'm outside. So sorry for asking this.
> 
> 2nd section near bottom you say divorced 11 yrs. so this is 2nd marriage and the issues are with 2nd husband? Correct
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My second marriage - his third. He was married for 8 years to a woman overseas. A 30 year old daughter and 26 year old daughter. Sun rises and sets on 30 year old, hasn't spoken to 26 year old in 15 years. Has 9 year old daughter from one night stand that he married (2nd marraige). That marriage lasted 3 years and she left him for his mother's 77 year old spouse. He has nothing to do with his daughter and signed away rights to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> I really need to read your entire postings on a bigger screen so it will be a day or so before I can give input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. 

My husband has some weird quirks. He freaks over throwing food away. He will make a huge container of Sidekicks or Uncle Ben's Rice and expect everyone to eat out of it until it's done. A huge container - lasting days. One day my daughter decided to make chicken fingers and fries. He asked why she didn't eat the rice. She said she was tired of it and offered to make lunch for everyone. He flipped, swore at her and said we don't sh!t money and she has no respect. He later apologized but the damage was done.
This daughter is on her own now, and while she doesn't hate him, she pities him more than cares about him.
My son borrowed $1000 from us to buy a vehicle. He has paid half back but ran into a snag as he needed some unexpected repairs. He missed a payment due to that. He will pay again next pay day. I'm not thrilled with him and I do think he could have made some effort to pay a portion, but what do you do? I told my son that if he can't make paying us back a top priority (had $80 or so discretionary spending that could have come to us), then lending him money in the future will not happen. My H wants to suspend his cell as punishment. Everything - mistake or deliberate is punished. Curfew is midnight - 12:02 is punished. H is upset I gave code to Netflix to my son. Says he is up all night watching movies and sleeps in. Dumb people sleep late. He complains about the power it uses to run xbox and TV. H wants me to give my son X amount towards his cell every month and make him get his own plan. We share X amount of minutes right now. We don't use all our minutes but my son uses more than we do. We don't hit our maximum though. But it's a problem. Putting my son on his own plan means no financial benefit to anyone. He would need a co-signer and I'd have no control over the account. My son would be tied to 3 year contract and he graduates in a year and wants to move out of province. I've explained these reasons plus we paid for my daughter til she was 18. He won't let it go. He wants me to pay out of my own money. I get child support which goes in the pot - I said fine I'll pay power, Netflix cell phones but I'm keeping all child support. I'm tired of the nagging. He treats my son like crap but complains he's never home. Really be home to be b!tched at or ignored? On good days he treats my son to golf. He'll give him his tow from auto club and bring home McDonalds. If a coach, boss or teacher picked on him, he'd defend him. But if he gets in a mood - my son is crap. If H needs a daytime babysitter, he asks my son to skip school. If my son makes an appointment for physio or with DMV, during school hours, I'm letting him walk all over me for allowing him to miss school. My son watches our baby for overlap hours in the morning (I work at 8 - h off at 9 - school starts at 10. Son is off at 2 and works 3-9. H thinks my son should walk the dogs from 2-3. The dog he said he wanted and would take 100 percent care of.
So on one hand he's my son's biggest support, on the other hand, he treats him like crap. He thinks the good he does outweighs the bad. He keeps track.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Uptown said:


> GG, I agree that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformations, sense of entitlement, double standard, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD. Given that you are determined to tough it out by staying with him (for the kids), I have three suggestions.
> 
> One is to read _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling book targeted to spouses living with people having strong BPD traits. My second suggestion is to start participating (or at least lurking) in the "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" message board at BPDfamily.com. Third, I suggest you speak to a clinical psychologist, on your own, to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your children are dealing with. Take care, GG.


Thank you. I will read that book. I downloaded it to my kobo. I will check out that site. As my 4 year old develops his own personality, my h is being tougher on him. My counselor said that as kids defy him, they will be black. His oldest daughter goes from black to white, but she's thousands of miles away and he adores her right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Waste no time worrying about psychoanalyzing him. Throw him out, change the locks, change your phone #, alert the cops. Carry mace and an airhorn with you at all time. Consider getting a purse gun.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Glad you're back Runs like Dog! OP, I would make an exit plan. All of your children need to see this as unacceptable. How would you feel if one of them married somebody like him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is not going to get any easier to live with. He's abusive to you and the children.

I agree with the exit plan idea.

I can also understand what your are saying about not wanting to be away from your younger children due to shared custody, but since your husband does not seem to care all that much about taking care of the children he might very well not even want all that much custody.

Son's father was similar to your husband. What I did during our divorce was to get a custody evaluation done. We had to hire counselors who interviewed all of us to include our son. They also did some tests on my husband and me. The outcome was that they felt my husband had some physiological issues that he was refusing to deal with. They also felt that he had a very bad relationship with our son and our son was afraid of him.
So they gave my ex less visitation with our son than I was willing to give. They told him that he had to go to 18 months of counseling with our son (son was 6 at the time) before he could have more time. After 18 months of counseling my ex was give 1 more day a week… to 40%. The counseling helped a lot.

Over the years my son would tell me what was going on in the home with his father. These talks were good because it helped my son learn how to deal with the issues. I felt bad for my son but he also told me that if I had tried to completely remove his father from his life he, my son, would hate me. It’s a love/hate thing that kids have with parents like your husband and my ex. 

When my son was a sophomore in high school his and his father had a fight… a fight that became physical. My son called his step brother for a ride back to my house. It was the last time my son spent a night at his father’s house. My son is 23 now. His relationship with his father is much better now. His father is more respectful and treats him well. They have worked out their problems on their own. My son visits his dad every weekend. His dad pays for his college tuition and books. They go out to dinner a few times a months and on vacations together. 

Your sons with this man are going to have to learn to live with their dad and will have to learn to work out their own relationships with him. You can help them with this but it’s up to them. By your staying in an abusive relationship with their father, you are teaching them that this is the way a man treats a woman. Is this really the lesson you want to teach your children?

There is another book that I would like to suggest that you read… “The Dance of Anger”. It will give you a lot of insight into your husband’s behaviors and in how you can deal with this. Even if you divorce him this knowledge will help you since you have children with him.

On another topic; your other children bring in their own income in the form of child support. Your husband has zero right to determine how this money is spent. It should not go into the family money. It pays for your children’s cell phones, etc. You really need to tell your husband to but out on how your children’s money is spent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You and your husband both work full time jobs right? What percentage of the family income does your husband bring in? (Excluding the child support from the other children? Do you both work the same number of hours a week?

Your husband seems to feel that his efforts are not being appreciated. Does he work more hours than you do? Or does he just bring in more money than you?

Did his bad attitude start before or after he started to work night shifts? Night shift is very hard on a lot of people. Look up the problems that night shift work causes people… it increases a person’s heart attack risk and digestive track problems. People who work night shifts do not live as long as those who work during the day. Perhaps you could tell your husband that his working night shift is not worth the hassle it’s causing him. That you would rather put your children in day care and have the two of you work normal daytime hours. 

On the topic of household chores… why not make up a list of all the chores it takes to keep the house and children going. Then each day put down the amount to items/time you, he and the children do. This will be an ongoing way to show him that while his contributions are appreciated, you actually do more than he does. And your older children do contribute. You could tell him that you are putting up the chart to show the children all that needs to be done and to encourage them to do more.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is not going to get any easier to live with. He's abusive to you and the children.
> 
> I agree with the exit plan idea.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your suggestions and will check out that book. I agree about the child support. He keeps sneaking in the greed and I pull him back. He never fully let's a topic go. 
He will bully and I stick to my boundary. All I hear is blah blah blah. I have to snap to get him to back down. And it's always a temporary back down.
I make 60 to his 40 without child support. Last year he made more due to me being on maternity leave. He's always finangling bill paying to his benefit. 3 months before I returned to work, he came up with a system that benefited him and screwed me. I pointed out to him I would be better off when I returned to work. He didn't care - in the moment, he came out ahead. Well don't I know it, I'm back to work. I'm ahead now and he's complaining.

It's my house. I've been here 16 years. I'd have to give him some money for contributions to mortgage over the last 6 years but house is mine.

These boys will be different. He sees girls as substandard and boys as an extension of him.

My contribution... I enable him. I lie to him to cover for myself and my kids. I don't give on anything because I rebel against getting lectured. I am passive aggressive and I tune out and ignore. I am so down on this, I've lost my passion as a parent. I'm loving and present but man I used to be a dynamo. Nature walks, fairs, bike rides, walks etc. I don't have the energy
I used to because I'm so worried all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> Glad you're back Runs like Dog! OP, I would make an exit plan. All of your children need to see this as unacceptable. How would you feel if one of them married somebody like him?


I have a plan in my mind. It's my happy place where I live without the constant nagging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Waste no time worrying about psychoanalyzing him. Throw him out, change the locks, change your phone #, alert the cops. Carry mace and an airhorn with you at all time. Consider getting a purse gun.


Can't do purse gun - I'm Canadian. Good to see you back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I will try the chore thing. I don't keep score til he throws it in my face and when I stick up for me or my son, I always compare I'm told. No he compares and I'm supposed to just swallow it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

The Daughter:

My h's daughter lives overseas. She came to visit 6 years ago and was a nightmare. She expected everyone to pay everything for her. She wanted a pair of $100 yoga pants that my h couldn't buy for her. She was trying to borrow the money off my then 13 and 10 year old kids. She wanted to borrow a sports bag to bring all her loot back from my h. He had sentimental attachment to that bag and she promised to send it back. Still haven't seen it. 

She just came for another visit. She has matured alot. On her end, the visit was pleasant. My h is another story. She brought studio photos of herself. H always ridiculed studio photos. Well my God, he took pictures of these photos on his Blackberry and shows anyone and everyone. He goes on and on about how hot she is and how everyone wants her and wanted to come over to meet her. She's pretty. The photos are lovely. She is in a commited relationship and not an escort, so stop prostituting her. He will tell his work buddies they should meet his hot daughter. He's trying to get my daughter's boyfriend to say how hot his daughter is in front of her and my daughter. He will say that people in town will wonder who the hot woman he has riding next to him in his truck is, Well thank you, as opposed to that sludge (me) who normally sits there? Like come on. I am no slouch myself and have decent self esteem but there's got to be a limit.

H has weird rules. No feet on furniture. If you're sick, stay in your room. Respect each others property so much that he made my daughter replace a toque she borrowed and returned to me. Well is daughter left her crap all over the house. She was sick and bundled on the sofa in blankets and watched TV. I came home from work one day and she was wearing my slippers (look like ugg boots). Like come on, if he can see why when she is sick, she might want some company and veg in front of the TV, why is it a deal when my kids to it. I told her to make herself at home which she did and I was fine because I meant it. But she was more at ease than my kids are who live here. Maybe I'm not so craxy as to house rules after all.

His daughter wants to come to live in Canada in a few years. She would like BC and wants us to move there, She made my husband promise her on the phone that he would start looking for jobs there. Hello I work for our provincial government, no transfers for me, All my family is here including a 3 week old grandson. And regardless that decision is made between husbands and wives, not husbands and daughters.

I guess my final rants on his daughter's visit is that my h has jealousy over my relationship with my older children. He claims we laugh too much and whisper. Well his daughter doesn't speak English, so I was left out of 90% of their conversation as I don't speak their language.

His daughter brought pictures of her newly single mom and I was fine with it. My h found a picture in a drawer of my kids with their dad when they were 5 and 3 and he freaked out and accused me of having feelings for him. Yes I love the man who f*cked me over at every turn and raped me. Gotta get back to that.

The Mother:

His mom is a liar. She claims broke all the time yet has a ton of money. She is trying to get my h to give her money. She has cried over her pensions being cut. She owed Revenue Canada back taxes due to failing to claim her foreign pension and lies and says they are threatening to take her car. What are they loan sharks? Yes Revenue Canada takes 2002 Ford Focuses instead of payment. Yet she booked a 3 week European tour and lied and said it was gifted to her. Just like her trip to BC was last May. Wow I need friends like that who buy me trips. She loves his sister and her kids and my kids are crap, She is flying overseas to attend a communion of one of her great grandkids yet can't send a birthday card to my sons. She cheated on h's dad years ago and lost custody of her kids in the 1960's. Do you know how bad a mom you have to be to lose custody of kids to a miltary traveling man in the 60's? She wants h's dad back now. He was widowed in June and she is buying him jewelery and sweaters and trying to butt into his life. She moved 1000 miles last June to where the dad is living now and she is putting the pressure on. I blame alot of h's issues on her.

The Drinking

My h is an alcoholic. He can control it and not drink when he works, but when he is on days off (5 in a row), he is hammered. We're talking 16 beer. I've seen him drink 25 beer. He will black out. Last weekend, he was hammered and wanted something to eat. I drove and went in with our older boy. When we came out, he was calling me over. I thought he wanted to introduce me to someone, but he had taken issue with a taxi driver who was parked in a no parking zone. They actually were pushing each other and the taxi driver called the cops. Thankfully we left before the police arrived. Days off are spent with him drinking. It's hard to have intimacy with someone who passes out at 7pm.

If I was reading this as someone else's story I'd think, "grow a pair and get the hell out. What are his redeeming qualities"?

This is good for me to lay it all out. We will have issues and he will say horrible things and I forget how awful he can be.

He will accuse me of cheating. He will accuse me of sneaking or hiding money. He calls me cold hearted and a sneak. He calls me a bad mother and states I favor my older kids over my babies. He says I'm using him. He says I'm lazy. But in public, he tells everyone how in love he is with his wife, how his wife and kids mean the world to him. I think he says that so people think, 'what a great guy, is she ever lucky' as opposed to any reflection on me.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

He's had it rough. No doubt, but if he refuses to help himself and you stay with him you will always be miserable and walking on eggshells and so will he. If you leave you have a chance at finding that happy place for you and your children. He may need a big wake up call like that to seek the help he needs to be happy.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> Being an alcoholic is not good for the family, kids, etc.
> 
> If he starts drinking heavy or comes home like that I suggest you
> ask him to leave, stay the night at a friends house, etc.
> ...


He has his own moral code on this. He doesn't drink in bars and he doesn't drink at friend's houses. He will come home with his booze and drink at home. 'At least you know where I am - I'm here at home,' he says like it's some sort of reward to watch and have our children watch him get drunk. If it's in the house it's gone. Can't have a cooler or anything in beer fridge for company or later - he can't leave anything. I gave up drinking for that reason. I wouldn't mind the odd glass of wine or beer but when it's there I better have one or it's gone. I don't feel like pounding back a 6 pack or a bottle of wine in one sitting so I don't bother. 
I tried leaving when it was just the one boy and he physically was pulling him out of my arms like make a wish. I quit. I think I would have to leave after he passed out or it would be ugly. But I do agree that I need to not be here with the kids when he starts drinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> He has his own moral code on this. He doesn't drink in bars and he doesn't drink at friend's houses. He will come home with his booze and drink at home. 'At least you know where I am - I'm here at home,' he says like it's some sort of reward to watch and have our children watch him get drunk. If it's in the house it's gone. Can't have a cooler or anything in beer fridge for company or later - he can't leave anything. I gave up drinking for that reason. I wouldn't mind the odd glass of wine or beer but when it's there I better have one or it's gone. I don't feel like pounding back a 6 pack or a bottle of wine in one sitting so I don't bother.
> I tried leaving when it was just the one boy and he physically was pulling him out of my arms like make a wish. I quit. I think I would have to leave after he passed out or it would be ugly. But I do agree that I need to not be here with the kids when he starts drinking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Add to my list - got freaked on for going to my grandson's baby shower. Got called an effing cold-hearted b!tch and a whole string of other things in front of my kids. Tried to leave but he would have fought me over the kids. He was drunk, they couldn't have stayed. Next time he's I'll pack an emergency bag to make quick escape. He follows me around to yell at me. Just pass out already!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Damn. Your story sounds very familiar to me. My H does prolly 85% of exactly the same thing your does and another 15% of stuff that is kind of similar.
Have you read Patricia Evans book ' The Verbally Abusive Relationship' ?
Your H could have come right out of those pages.
Another really good book is Lundy Bancroft's 'should I stay or should I go'. It gives a lot of good advice on how to heal/restore yourself from the effects of an abusive relationship.

I hope you know that you don't deserve any of this sh!t, no matter what problems you may have. 

I hope you leave him, I really do. He has no respect for you and has to have total control over everything. 
They don't call their behavior 'crazy making' for nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Why are you still with him?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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