# Is 180 only for men?



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Why is 180 recommended only for guys? I do not think I had seen once advise her for a woman to do 180? Or am I wrong? I've noticed this few days ago, and it got me thinking. Any thoughts?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

of course not 180 is for for both genders, is a salp of reality for the WS of how his/her life would be without the person who has been ther at his side and is what some times make them come out from the fog (of course this is the side effect).

But the main porpuse of the 180 is to detach from the WS, so you can move on to a healthier life


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Definitely not. I have done the 180. It is for anybody.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 is for anyone, regardless of gender. I've suggested to women to use the 180 in the past.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Why is 180 recommended only for guys? I do not think I had seen once advise her for a woman to do 180? Or am I wrong? I've noticed this few days ago, and it got me thinking. Any thoughts?


Don't take the advice you read so seriously. 

Just because someone wrote it on the internet doesn't make it true.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

What is 180?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Don't take the advice you read so seriously.
> 
> Just because someone wrote it on the internet doesn't make it true.


well lenzi, then we should shout down TAM, lol


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The 180 is for anyone, regardless of gender. I've suggested to women to use the 180 in the past.


That's the thing - in my subjective opinion, I hardly ever see posts advising women to do 180. They are more about changes, not doing his laundry anymore, but not 180. maybe I am wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ashalicious said:


> What is 180?


Go read the link in my signature block below.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> That's the thing - in my subjective opinion, I hardly ever see posts advising women to do 180. They are more about changes, not doing his laundry anymore, but not 180. maybe I am wrong.


Are you saying that when women come here for advice when their husband is cheating, that the advice they get is to stop doing is laundry?

The 180 most people here suggest is for the purpose of getting one's spouse to end an affair and agree to work on marital recovery. 

Well, maybe you can join the club and start suggesting the 180 when it's appropriate.... like when a woman's husband is refusing to end an affair.

There actually is not just one kind of "180". What the "180" means is to start acting in a manner completely different from the way your spouse would expect you to behave. So if a husband is refusing to do any household chores or help with the kids, and he's used to his wife doing everything. Then her stopping doing his laundry and other things that he can do for himself is a type of 180. The concept comes from the book "Divorce Busting".


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> That's the thing - in my subjective opinion, I hardly ever see posts advising women to do 180. They are more about changes, not doing his laundry anymore, but not 180. maybe I am wrong.


The ratio of betrayed men to women on this site seems to be around 3 to 1 (just my observation over the past 2-3 years). I don't think that's truly a reflection of the world-wide statistics as this forum pertains mostly to English speaking North Americans and for some odd reason more cheated men end up here than women.

Perhaps that's why you see the 180 suggested to men more often.

As for the 180 itself, it's an empowering detachment tool for anyone who is 'serious' about making a change. I would say most people miserably fail at it in their first few tries.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

synthetic said:


> The ratio of betrayed men to women on this site seems to be around 3 to 1 (just my observation over the past 2-3 years). I don't think that's truly a reflection of the world-wide statistics as this forum pertains mostly to English speaking North Americans and for some odd reason more cheated men end up here than women.
> 
> Perhaps that's why you see the 180 suggested to men more often.
> 
> As for the 180 itself, it's an empowering detachment tool for anyone who is 'serious' about making a change. I would say most people miserably fail at it in their first few tries.


Maybe you right, maybe it is simply matter of more guys in this situation here. I think the reason behind more betrayed men here vs. women, is that women will confide and look for support with friends and family, men often close in, feeling humiliating, so anonymous forum might work better for them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Personally, I think 180 shouldn't be for men or women.

I don't believe or recommend changing yourself, unless you know that you are doing something wrong.

If you are simply being taken advantage of by a crappy person....chances are, you don't want to be with that person anyways, so why change?

Those that take advantage of your kindness or use it against you are some of the worst people to surround yourself with.....sorry


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> The ratio of betrayed men to women on this site seems to be around 3 to 1 (just my observation over the past 2-3 years). I don't think that's truly a reflection of the world-wide statistics as this forum pertains mostly to English speaking North Americans and for some odd reason more cheated men end up here than women.
> 
> Perhaps that's why you see the 180 suggested to men more often.
> 
> As for the 180 itself, it's an empowering detachment tool for anyone who is 'serious' about making a change. I would say most people miserably fail at it in their first few tries.


Another reason that I think more men end up on TAM is that there is a strong male presence here. So men get a lot of support on TAM. On many other sites similar to TAM, there tend to be more women posting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> Personally, I think 180 shouldn't be for men or women.
> 
> I don't believe or recommend changing yourself, unless you know that you are doing something wrong.
> 
> ...


The things in the 180 for betrayed spouses suggests are not permanent changes. They are common sense things that help a betrayed spouse handle a very bad situation. These are the types of things I've even seen you suggest to BS's... here are just a few of them.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

this is true, I was suprised by this. I think this makes TAM more vibrant than other forums.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> Personally, I think 180 shouldn't be for men or women.
> 
> I don't believe or recommend changing yourself, unless you know that you are doing something wrong.
> 
> ...


Now, when I think about it, maybe it is what I am doing now, my own 180. but not to get him back, more for myself to figure out what I really want and/or should do.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

DoF said:


> Personally, I think 180 shouldn't be for men or women.
> 
> I don't believe or recommend changing yourself, unless you know that you are doing something wrong.
> 
> If you are simply being taken advantage of by a crappy person....chances are, you don't want to be with that person anyways, so why change?


You don't understand the 180.

It's not to change yourself, it's to adapt to a changed situation.

It's certainly not to change things so you can be taken advantage of a crappy person who you don't want to be with.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lenzi said:


> You don't understand the 180.
> 
> It's not to change yourself, it's to adapt to a changed situation.


I understand it, what I wrote doesn't define 180.

It's to show your SO "taste of their own ****".....or that you don't care.....or to not enable them anymore....


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

It's a tool to help with more than infidelity. 

It can be used if your spouse is treating you crappy. 

In my instance right now, my wife just won't stop b!tching to me. The last week it's been non stop. I really have not done anything to deserve it so I told her the other day STOP. It lasted 1 day then back to b!tching. 

So I am using 180 to disconnect from the vampire. 

I plan on being happy go lucky and not say much to her. No talk about next week or next year. She's ask me to do things for her but I don't feed bad behavior. 

No phone calls/emails. I don't activity look for her when home. I just do my own Sh!t. Play with kids. Workout.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

DoF said:


> I understand it, what I wrote doesn't define 180.
> 
> It's to show your SO "taste of their own ****".....or that you don't care.....or to not enable them anymore....


When you say "It's to show your SO" then it's clear you are not talking about the 180, you're talking about some sort of manipulative behavior designed to illicit some sort of response from your SO.

The 180 has nothing whatsoever to do with your SO, it's all about the person doing it and what's best for them given that things have drastically changed, and they're moving on without their SO.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> It's a tool to help with more than infidelity.
> 
> It can be used if your spouse is treating you crappy.
> 
> ...


See, this is what I don't get. So you are basically ignoring her/ignoring the issue.

Distancing yourself away from your loved one.

How about a 2nd STOP and "if you don't quit this **** I'm getting a divorce".

think about it, do you REALLY want to be married to this lady if she doesn't stop this behavior?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> It's a tool to help with more than infidelity.
> 
> It can be used if your spouse is treating you crappy.
> 
> ...


You have effectively defined "the silent treatment as a manipulative tool".

Again, nothing to do with the 180.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> It's a tool to help with more than infidelity.
> 
> It can be used if your spouse is treating you crappy.
> 
> ...


That's more or less what I am doing now. No more pouting face and whining from him, imagine that.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> That's more or less what I am doing now. No more pouting face and whining from him, imagine that.


It's not the silent treatment if I'm still talking to her. Two different things. 

You go about your day like her b!tchyness is NOT affecting you. 

Actually I have told her to stop a few times. 

And it's not like she's treating me like this 52 weeks a year. I've come a long way baby... It's a hick up. But in the past I would appease her by taking her crap. Not anymore. She does not get rewarded for bad behavior. And I'm not divorcing her for b!tching at me on these rare occasions. 

Funny, because she just emailed me and said lets go out for drinks and talk. I said ok...I'll be saying it again tonight once and for all. I get she or any woman can at times be b!tchy. But if they have to be then do it and end it. 

Hell, maybe she'll be telling me lets divorce. I don't really give a Sh!t right now. I would make out like a bandit. Plus I can find another woman in a week. 

See that's the attitude that works for me. I have no worries about myself. I'm full of confidence and women love it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

For me it's a little different. I am trying to figure out if I wan to stay. If I found TAM ten years ago, maybe it would make a difference. not sure now.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> For me it's a little different. I am trying to figure out if I wan to stay. If I found TAM ten years ago, maybe it would make a difference. not sure now.


Oh, that's totally different. Do you have a story on TAM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Yes:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/217993-no-affection-left-reversible.html


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> ...




180 for non-infidelity reason and your spouse could end up on TAM saying their spouse has suddenly become short, not as loving and is going out more and dressing better. Then they are told to 180 and you have a home of disconnected people who are just doing their own thing!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

even more - they will be told, she is cheating


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> See, this is what I don't get. So you are basically ignoring her/ignoring the issue.
> 
> Distancing yourself away from your loved one.
> 
> ...


I agree with you assessment here. The 180 is not about using the silent treatment. It's not about ignoring the problems. A person can still address problems head on and interact according to the 180.

The biggest problem I see with the 180 is that it's so often misunderstood. There is no coaching here that helps a person learn what it's about and how to carry it out affectively.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> 180 for non-infidelity reason and your spouse could end up on TAM saying their spouse has suddenly become short, not as loving and is going out more and dressing better. Then they are told to 180 and you have a home of disconnected people who are just doing their own thing!


Again to be clear..... The list I posted is only a few of the items in the 180 for betrayed spouses to use *while their WS is engaged in an affair*. When this is done, the BS needs to tell the WS very clearly what they want/need and that there is not an unlimited amount of time for the WS to end the affair and decide to reconcile.

In the example that you give here, the 180 for BS would not be the way to go. And a lot more info would be needed from the person to be able to give them much advice expect to talk to their spouse about what's wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> even more - they will be told, she is cheating


You are right, they will be told she is cheating and they better start snooping.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

MEM had a great thread on "lowering the thermostat" that struck me as wonderful advice for dealing with situations like Jerry's that do not involve infidelity, but rather *****iness for lack of a better word. The concept is somewhat related to the 180, but a bit different.


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