# Please help! Need womens advice



## Average_Drew (Dec 3, 2009)

I am 21, my fiance is 20. We have a 2 years old little girl. We have been together for about 4 years, minus the 6-month seperation that happend almost exactly a year ago. I try and try to keep the relationship together, but she just doesnt help. I feel problems need to be talked about and resolved, she feels that we should should just drop them and let them disappear. But things dont just go away, they need to be resolved or they continue to come back, and she doesnt agree. I am honest, loving caring ahrd working man. I show her unconditionally how much I love her. She has a problem with showing her emotions and treats me like crap. When shes mad, theres no talking to her, and when I try she just treats me like complete crapp. Her excuse is always that shes mad. And I endure it, beacause I want this to work. Im not saying Im perfect, I have flaws also, but I can own up to them and admit to them. I want to fix my flaws. I do not trust her because of all the lies shes created in the past, and I DO want to trust her but she makes things way beyond difficult. She refuses to talk about anything and just things will disappear. She says she loves me and wants to get married, but she always just shows me how mcuh she doesnt care about me. She says some pretty harsh stuff and, idk I just need some help. ANYTHING!!! PLEASE HELP!!!


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## selfacceptance (Dec 3, 2009)

have you tried standing up to her?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

If you marry here with the way things are right now, expect them to be like that for the rest of your life.

That being said, you two need to figure out a way to resove issues that works for both of you. 

People deal with things differently. If she's mad, then establish a cooling off period before you talk. People are defensive when angry and don't listen to the other's point of view well then.

Just dropping a subject doesn't fix it. Communication, communication, communication. Sit down with her and work out a plan on how to deal with conflicts that you both can agree on.


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## Average_Drew (Dec 3, 2009)

selfacceptance said:


> have you tried standing up to her?


When I explain how she treats me and how it makes me feel, she apologizes and says she was just mad. But the next time we get in an arguement she does the same thing over again.


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## Average_Drew (Dec 3, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> If you marry here with the way things are right now, expect them to be like that for the rest of your life.
> 
> That being said, you two need to figure out a way to resove issues that works for both of you.
> 
> ...




She gets mad because she says when shes mad to just leave her alone. Well I try that and do leave her alone while she cools off, but when shes compssed afterwards, she doesnt want to talk about whatever had originally had happened, she just wants to drop things. Last night we had a huge arguement and as she always does, she says to jsut drop it, and go home, and refuses to talk to me. Thats the end of it. If she doesnt want to talk about it then theres no talking, and if I try she just fights back by saying im annoying her with all the talking, that I should just drop it, that she doesnt want to talk to me, I call her and she just ignores me, sometimes just puts her phone down and walks away, but I am NOT ready to give up. I just dont know what to do anymore.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Okay, here is my amateur advice. Do with it what you want. (And I'm not a woman, but I've got plenty in my house....)

You should pull away from her. I don't if you're smothering her or not, but stop calling her. Stop initiating conversations. Just smile and be pleasant, don't avoid her. But don't ask her anything or check up on her.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Good answer Sven! This young lady is still only 20. She's showing her immaturity and it may take more than you to help her grow up. As she knows you will pursue her despite her poor actions with you, she will continue to do it, and why shouldn't she? So, the next time she gets angry and wants you to leave her alone say "Okay, please call me when your ready so we can reach a resolution to this issue", then when she calls attempt to come to a resolution about whatever it was that you were arguing about. If she refuses, say very kindly/lovingly "Hun, I really need to reach a resolution on this and it doesn't seem like you are ready to talk, please let me know when you are" and then complete the phone that way, or walk away from her. It will help her learn that she needs to make attempts to work things out. Chances are the first couple of times it will be pretty bad, she'll ignore you for quite some time, etc... because she is used to the "old ways", but she will learn that you have and are keeping an important boundary and she'll have to accept it if she wants your time and attention.


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## Average_Drew (Dec 3, 2009)

Sven said:


> Okay, here is my amateur advice. Do with it what you want. (And I'm not a woman, but I've got plenty in my house....)
> 
> You should pull away from her. I don't if you're smothering her or not, but stop calling her. Stop initiating conversations. Just smile and be pleasant, don't avoid her. But don't ask her anything or check up on her.


For how long???? Ive tried the whole waiting for her to come to me thing... Its just she is just so much better at it than me... And it seems like she wont come to me... How long am I supossed to wait, the times before Ive tried this, she would just out-wait me and really have this "I dont care" "its not effecting me" attitude....


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## Average_Drew (Dec 3, 2009)

HappyHer said:


> Good answer Sven! This young lady is still only 20. She's showing her immaturity and it may take more than you to help her grow up. As she knows you will pursue her despite her poor actions with you, she will continue to do it, and why shouldn't she? So, the next time she gets angry and wants you to leave her alone say "Okay, please call me when your ready so we can reach a resolution to this issue", then when she calls attempt to come to a resolution about whatever it was that you were arguing about. If she refuses, say very kindly/lovingly "Hun, I really need to reach a resolution on this and it doesn't seem like you are ready to talk, please let me know when you are" and then complete the phone that way, or walk away from her. It will help her learn that she needs to make attempts to work things out. Chances are the first couple of times it will be pretty bad, she'll ignore you for quite some time, etc... because she is used to the "old ways", but she will learn that you have and are keeping an important boundary and she'll have to accept it if she wants your time and attention.




For how long???? Ive tried the whole waiting for her to come to me thing... Its just she is just so much better at it than me... And it seems like she wont come to me... How long am I supossed to wait, the times before Ive tried this, she would just out-wait me and really have this "I dont care" "its not effecting me" attitude....


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

What is her reaction when you are the one mad? Do you ever get angry with her and loose your cool?

Just seems like she might need a wake up call. Does she know how serious this is to you? You'll need to decide where to draw the line and commit to stepping back from her if she doesn't start treating you better.

It is completely unfair of her to continually get angry, take out her anger on you, and then refuse you the opportunity to discuss it. If you are really pissing her off all the time, how can you change it if she doesn't clue you in? You might discuss that it is in her best interest to discuss these issues with you. Maybe you can find a way to stop stepping on her toes.

My suggestion is to be up front about it... In a calm way explain "honey, if your not willing to talk to me and work out our issues, then I can't go through with the wedding. I need a wife who respects our relationship enough to work on it and make improvements. When you refuse to discuss what your angry about it makes me question your commitment, and I feel disrespected by you." dik, just my 2 cents...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Quit enduring it "because you want this to work." It won't work unless she learns to treat you respectfully. The only difference will be, more kids and more financial entanglement. So deal with it now. Get books on communicating and "fighting fair." see a counselor for short term help--the cost of NOT going is much higher than what it will cost if you go together a couple of times. 

You will have to make her understand how serious this is--are you willing to do that? If the two of you learn to communicate better, your marriage is likely to be good. Treating someone you love like crap is not a good sign at all, and I would encourage you to delay marriage until she learns to respect you.If you are refusing to stand up for yourself because you are "afraid of losing her" or "afraid of being alone, GROW A PAIR. Fear is a very, very bad reason to get married--and an equally bad reason to put up with poor treatment. Your life--alone or together--will be unhappy if fear is your main "glue."


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

More info please. Why the separation earlier?

Though frankly I don't see any point in marrying her if this is the wonderful engagement period where you're both _just so in love_ with each other every little thing you do is just so cute to each other.


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## Average_Drew (Dec 3, 2009)

Completely different problem now....
*First, Thank you everyone for your advice and input.

Now,
After all of the before mentioned, she officially said it was over a few nights ago. Obviously I feel like Im in a terrible place. I am mortified and dont want to do anything... Befire I get into what some of the problems are, let me mention that Im not perfect and am guilty of some wrong doing. I hacked into her myspace account. Found that she is talking to he r27 year old co-worker, whom she never mentioned before. She is a Certified Nurses Assistant, and I knew of the only guys that worked with her. This is not one she mentioned. So I find that she is talking to this guy she works with and she gives him her number, I dont know entirely what they were talking about because she delted her messages with him. Only ones I saw were her telling him she was bored at 2 in the morning, and him saying he couldnt talk cuz of his "baby-mamma" (I hate that term) and she gave him her number. First thing Im most afraid of, as I mentioned before, almost exactly a year ago she broke up with me for about 6 months. Immediately she broke up with me, I again hacked her myspace and found she was talking way too flirtatious with yet again, another co-worker form her previosu job. Ultimately I found they were talking for hours on end til 2-3 in the morning at all hours of the night. The were being way over friendly, and once she even joined him in saying what an ******* I was. After she denied ever doing so. They would talk about how they missed each other and wanted to talk to each other, and they went out together and made out. Til this day she swears that all they did was make out that one time. Aside form him, she began getting overly friendly with her neighbor, who still is her neighbor, and they went out btu she swears she didnt do anything with him... They just hugged.... And then some guy she was talking to saying **** like "I wanna see you but we would do way too much together" "how they missed each other and wanted to see each other" She swears ntohing happened between them... So now here we are again, she left me almost exactly a year later, and now shes talking to this guy who is like 7-8 years older than her, and Im afraid this whole story is gonna rewrite itself. I am MADLY in love with her, and after all we have been thorough, I am not ready to give up on her... She says she still loves me but that she just wants to be left alone.. Saying some pretty ****ed up ****, she is really hitting me where it hurts. But she says she still loves me and that who knows what will happen in the future, maybe we will work things out. That oh well, let her learn her own mistakes by letting me go. But when I mentioned the snow trip weekend I have been planning, she says she is still willing to go.... I have been driving myself insane. I cant even work cuz the emotions get to me, and I cant help but cry... I am just so absolutely hurt and all she is doing right now is showing me how much she doesnt care, how much she is not hurtting, I just dont know what to do.... PLEASE HELP ME!!!!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

A few things. First lesson, and this one isn't easy, is don't ask a question you don't want the answer to. You hacked into her myspace page knowing that you might find out just that, and you did. That shows immaturity on your part.

On the flip side, she's also very immature. She pushed you away, didn't talk to you, and keeps men on the back burner so she can jump right out of one relationship into another. She's a sad person who acts mean and callous to keep herself at a distance from everyone. Now, she may have moments when she's all you ever dreamed of, but that's all just part of the game. 

Do yourself a favor and be sure to get rights to see your child. Other than that, I'd say you are better off getting out of this. If she can hit you where it hurts, she has you just where she wants you. You need to get away and get your own life.

Good luck.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

If you keep taking her back, she'll keep doing this to you.

Even if she wasn't having sex with these guys, she was definately having emotional affairs with them. Obviously, she sees nothing wrong with it and she doesn't seem to have much regard for your feelings. I mean, how would she feel if the roles were reversed?

I say, uninvite her on the snow trip. Let her at least know that she can't disrespect you and get a trip out of the deal.

How many times do you want to have her do this to you?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Drew,

She's definitely not ready for marriage. It seems that you are ready to move forward with only her and your child, but she just is not there yet. Does she have her own place or does she live w/her parents? I would not consider moving forward with her until she's been out on her own for a while or she will probably continue to feel she is missing out and wanting to see other people. 

I know it hurts and for you child's sake it would be nice if she were ready to be the wife and mother you are hoping for, but she is just not there and all the myspace hacking in the world will not change the way she feels, she needs to get there on her own.

In the meantime, I'd cancel the snow trip or take someone else if you cannot cancel & limit contact with her to visitation with your daughter.


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## lil_titch (Dec 8, 2009)

She doesn't sound like a happy camper regardless of who's fault it is and neither do you. I often ask myself this question...do I want to live this way for the rest of my life? that will determine what I can and can't live with. Some things are deal breakers and others arent. Pick your battles, both of you are young and your entire life changed when you guys were even younger. Its going to change again and again. I think if you take some control over what those changes may be for the sake of sanity and normalcy for your daughter you will feel better. help where you can, listen where you can and love your daughter when you can. your daughter will be looking to your example of what a man ought to be so set a good example. keep calm and carry on. Hugs The Angelic Vixen


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