# Love but not in-love, okay but not happy



## LesMainsDuMonde (Jan 12, 2016)

Hi,

I'm 35, she's about to turn 34. We've been together about 4 years. She's relatively quiet and introspective. I'm loud and effusive. She's a good partner for me, always has my back, loyal to a fault, helps me consider what I don't, and loves the heck out of me. 

I love her but I don't think I'm in-love with her. We just don't really have good conversation, I like to play and have fun - she just kind of puts up with it. I'm intellectually curious but she's very happy just relaxing after work and watching TV until its time to go to sleep - I can do that once in a while but after a while I feel like I'm wasting my life doing that. 

I'm an entrepreneurial creative person and need a lot of growth. I've been with other women who were more of an intellectual fit and personality fit but they ended up being untrustworthy and often crazy (those two things are connected to me.) I trust her. 

We're both still young and attractive looking (not bragging just giving context) but I can feel the clock for both of us. We don't have any children and I know she wants marriage soon (so does her gigantic family who are all also in-love with me.) I've been saying that I'll do it but I'm dragging my feet because I feel like I could be a lot more happy and maybe I should be with someone that I'm in-love with as opposed to someone I just love. 

I often wake up in the middle of the night with major concerns and feelings like I need to stop this but I feel like it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Am I being foolish? Is this just cold-feet? I've told myself that a wife can't be all things to me but honestly when we're together I often (maybe most of the time) feel alone.
Please help. 

What do you think? Would love to hear your experience. Speaking of experience, do you think I/we should go to Counseling?

Thank you!


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

I voted "its complicated" but after reading you post, I'd have to say - leave.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Seeing that you two aren't married, I'd say walk and it will be hard but the best thing for both of you. If you settle, you will find yourself in situations around other women (as you explained) and believe another is better suited. 

In the long run, you both will get hurt and waste years of not being happy just getting by in life ok. You can't change her personality, there's nothing counseling can do to fix this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

As someone who was stuck in a mismatch-marriage for 20 years, my advice is to leave. BEFORE you tie the knot.

Look, you already realize that you're bored, you're not in love, and you're an intellectual mismatch. IMHO, you two aren't compatible for the long haul -- you will grow to resent her for holding you back from your dreams (it sounds like you're already starting to). And family pressure is one of the absolute worst reasons to get married.

I would cut this one loose and look for a more suitable mate.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

There is no Utopia of a relationship. No one is perfect. Everyone has nuances that more than likely are going to become a burr of irritation. You have some that I'm sure she feels annoyed by from time to time and she has some traits that obviously don't sit right with you. Here is what you have to ask yourself, does the love you feel outweigh those irritations? If you have time away from her do you miss her but feel relief, or do you pine for her and feel like things will get better and you await her return? 

Life is very, very short. Your quality of life is important. 

Do this, imagine that there were no feelings of guilt. Her large family that loves you. They aren't there. Any sadness she might feel that you want to separate, isn't there. It's just the relationship and your feelings. Is it selfish to think this way, maybe, maybe not. But, as an exercise to try and focus on the root of your feelings, this is a good way to see at the heart. 

If you really don't feel happy in your relationship. If you think there is something out there or someone out there that will bring more fulfillment and satisfaction in your life. Now is the time to go and get it. If that feeling is very strong and you suppress it, it could turn to resentment. Or, over time, (like after marriage) the temptation may become too strong and you make choices that are more harmful than beneficial. Then, that would be no good to anyone. 

I dunno if I helped you any, these are just my thoughts and opinions  

Good luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You are bored, not in love and no chemistry, right? 
Then, leave. Quickly. Stop wasting her time. 

Chemistry is important in a relationship. The person you are with should inspire you to be a better you. Seems like you are just holding on because she adores you and is loyal.

Leave before you get resentful and start cheating. Life is short don't waste time in a relationship that you know is going nowhere.


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## LesMainsDuMonde (Jan 12, 2016)

@MommaGx3 - That is helpful - thank you. Your exercise is hard but I'm thinking about it and trying it out. I do think that there is probably someone out there who (as you said) "... is something out there or someone out there that will bring more fulfillment and satisfaction in your life." but it may take a long time to find them if at all.


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## LesMainsDuMonde (Jan 12, 2016)

@brooklynAnn - I'm sometimes bored (not always tbh) and not in-love, but I wouldn't say there's no chemistry. People around us always say that we compliment each other and that's true. There's a ying and yang thing we've got that makes us a pretty effective team but in our alone time together which I know is supposed to be "quality time", I'm often frustrated, bored, and feeling alone....


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

Leave  she deserves to be with someone who can love her and BE IN love with her, don't you think? and if you want her to have happiness in the future from being with someone who is in love with her... then just leave so she can obtain that. 

Actually did this with my first husband... we were young, did have a child, but I wasn't "in love" with him like I should be. I didn't realize until years later and I realized what I wanted for a husband was different. I loved my husband dearly and had the best of times with him, but I had to let him go. It just wasn't fair to him for me to keep him hanging on in a marriage where both parties weren't in love with each other. It was hard, YES... but I loved him and our happiness meant the most to me at the time so we divorced... and within a month we both found who we are currently married to for 13 years now. 

Let her go.... you love her... let her go and it's ok to do so.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

LesMainsDuMonde said:


> @MommaGx3 - That is helpful - thank you. Your exercise is hard but I'm thinking about it and trying it out. I do think that there is probably someone out there who (as you said) "... is something out there or someone out there that will bring more fulfillment and satisfaction in your life." but it may take a long time to find them if at all.


Hopefully it helps. It's really hard to separate out emotional triggers. I'm a person that struggles with guilt. Even if I think I might inadvertently cause someone else discomfort, I will start feely badly about it. Then I will start making decisions not for myself, but to ease a situation for others. While this is fine, it's not always fine. You are talking about the happiness and fulfillment of your life. It sounds like you are feeling the need to spread some wings but feel apprehension... 

Do I hear a, "what if I don't find anyone else or anything better and I've ruined my life??" in there?



Here is a quote I have pondered on many times so I'll pose it to you. 

"It is better to wait in the living room, than to live in the waiting room." 

Your life is an adventure. There will always be people that you can find that want to share it with you. It is entirely possible that you don't find 1 person that is there through all of it. Many of us desire that, but it may not happen. You may not ever find a perfect soul mate. But, you may go on adventures. You may experience passion, excitement in smaller doses. What if you find your soul mate? What if you meet someone that fills you with joy? What if you meet the funniest person on the planet and just hang out and drinks beers with? And the ever popular, what if a piano falls out of the sky and squishes you.... 

I've never had any fun living the "what if" game. It just stresses me out. 

I do wish you the very best and have to applaud you for asking for advice and considering what you hear. Sounds like you are open-minded and trying to do the best for all parties involved. 

I really do wish you luck. 

Take care.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let her go. Feeling alone now is a sure-fire indicator that she is not the one. If you marry, you'll feel like you're living the death of a thousand days.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

You're not married yet and already unhappy, so leave. Let her find someone who truly loves her and is in love with her. You should also find someone you truly want to be with. Do not marry her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LesMainsDuMonde said:


> I know is supposed to be "quality time", I'm often frustrated, bored, and feeling alone....


No No No.... do not marry...it's not fair to either one of you.. it's gonna hurt like hell for you both.. but this is not right ....feeling alone , bored & frustrated is terrible.. it's sad.. it's lonely.. it's the opposite of fulfilling & at peace...

Speaking from her point of view.. I would be absolutely CRUSHED and SO ANGRY if I found out my man went along with marrying me -but secretly felt LIKE THIS.. I'd feel like our whole courtship & relationship was *a LIE*... 

END IT so you both can find someone who THRILLS you , engages you.. brings that sunshine into your life. Lights you up.. and you can't wait to spend time with them!


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

OP,

All sound advice that you probably should follow. When i read your story though, some things struck me. I'm a lawyer, not a shrink, so do with it what you want.

You said you tend to attract passionate yet crazy and untrustworthy women... some would say that says something about you my friend. Sometimes we attract people with matching craziness. I know, you are not the introspective kind. But could there be any thruth to this?

So now you are with what strikes me as a relatively normal and stable woman. Who loves the heck out of you, your words. And sometimes you are bored. Crazy and unstable would solve that easily, wouldn't it?

After what, 4 years, it is perfectly normal you don't feel the same as you did in the beginning of your romance. Read up on it. Let her read it too. Afterall, none of us were thaught this in highschool (which is a shame, really).

So yeah, I'm going against the stream here. You may wanna get some IC before making drastic decisions or, at least, read some books about relationships and do some introspection. 

Because indeed, there are ALWAYS 3 options in bad situations.
1. Accept it as it is. Not advisable in this case.
2. Leave it. See others posters.
3. Change it for the better. You may want to start with yourself, cfr supra. Your gf might follow. You 2 could emerge a stronger and better couple than ever.

Or not. But at least, you will know you've given it your best shot. And you won't have the tendancy to crawl back to her after 10 crazy women. Because she will be long gone by then. And even if she isn't, anyone on here would advize her to stay clear of you.

All the best,

EP


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'm going to go against the crowd... 

I don't think you should marry her anytime soon but I think dumping her would be extreme.

Have you expressed these concerns to her? What have YOU done to spark new chemistry? 

You must have felt something at one point if you started dating her right?

How can you get back there? Can she meet you half way? Would she be willing try?

No women can be everything, she just has to be the most important stuff to you.

If you are sincere in trying to make things work then couples counseling is worth a try also.

Have that HARD conversation with her (ie tell her what you told us) and see what happens.

Good women are VERY hard to find. Exhaust ALL your options first. Good Luck.


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## LesMainsDuMonde (Jan 12, 2016)

This thread has already been very important to me. I'm touched by everyone taking the time to think about my situation and respond, really I'm so thankful.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure in our relationship right now because of the ticking clocks and marriage is now discussed like its a foregone conclusion, and from a logistical standpoint (which sounds petty, I know) this month is the last possible opportunity to get out of an expensive year-long apartment lease - giving you the background because I believe I'm mostly telling you my fears. It's true that I'm not feeling the "full in-love, the-one" from her and maybe I never will but here's some of the good stuff: 

We're very good partners.

I can make her laugh in an instant, almost regardless of her mood. She doesn't have the same ability but she can be a good audience and we both like that. I get her and even though I'm not sure she has the curiosity to completely get to know me (she knows I have a creative side but she's satisfied with my kind side and that's basically enough for her) she is endlessly nurturing. I feel like we'd probably be solid parenting partners but I am concerned that our differences would come out - like she still resists eating salad and loves bacon whereas I may love bacon but end up being the moderation enforcer bla bla. 

We almost never fight.

She "feels like my wife." 

Even though its been 4 years, she's still opening up to me. I'm kind of a spiritual person and I feel like she's kind of just now revealing more of her soul (sorry for the more grounded folks reading this) and I really need that.

Sometimes, but not nearly as often as I'd like, we just play and we're in lock-step when that happens.

I understand why so many folks on here say "go" and I hate to think that if I choose her that I'm choosing something other than real love but it begs the question is real lasting love to be in-love and again is that required for a solid marriage and happy life?

Again, thanks so much for your time! I hope this helps you somehow.


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## LesMainsDuMonde (Jan 12, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> You are bored, not in love and no chemistry, right?
> Then, leave. Quickly. Stop wasting her time.
> 
> Chemistry is important in a relationship. The person you are with should inspire you to be a better you. Seems like you are just holding on because she adores you and is loyal.
> ...


This gave me pause, so to digest and respond:
I am sometimes bored, don't think I'm in love, but there is some chemistry. I am not generally inspired by her to be a better person (at least not that I'm aware of) but she does let me be me and gives me as much space that I need to grow. However, I do get frustrated b/c she doesn't seem to have that same drive to grow (but that could be my issue, not hers.) 

Thanks for helping me make sense of this. 

p.s. I've been cheated on before and it is NOT something I'm going to do to another person I care about.


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## LesMainsDuMonde (Jan 12, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm going to go against the crowd...
> 
> I don't think you should marry her anytime soon but I think dumping her would be extreme.
> 
> ...


I agree. I will talk to her about this right away. I think she'd be willing to do almost anything to make the relationship work without sacrificing herself (which I completely respect) but then the question is if I'm just wanting different "most important stuff" that isn't in her which comes back to it being on me which may be the ultimate destination and we're back to where we started. 

It is hard. 

This forum has been cathartic though and somehow I feel better about everything and maybe appreciate her more from it.

There's a funny quote that comes to mind:

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
-Socrates

That being said, I don't think she'll make a bad wife at all but that still doesn't seem to mean that I'll be happy....oy vey.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

There doesn't seem to be horrible issues between your twos relationship, other than being bored and seeing other people possibly more compatible.

The concerning part is "if" in your mind you're comparing her to these other women (women you come across). If you want more from a partner, that you know she can't give and yet afraid you won't find it, I would end the relationship. 

I wouldn't stay in a relationship if I felt I was settling and or limiting myself. I also wouldnt wait around to see if she can change. What has to change is your mind frame of someone being more exciting.ect. (Meaning you can't mold her into your liking and she shouldn't have to change who she is to be favorable).

I do believe you can fall in and out of love with someone due to circumstances in the relationship (even marriage). I do believe to love someone and to be in love with someone is "Two different things". If you both know what the issues were and could work through them that you can fall back in love. I believe that can happen.

I'd have a serious talk with her about what you want in a spouse and ask her what she wants as well. Have a real discussion about how you'd raise kids ect. Dont try changing her views but see how or if this is something you truly could envision going forth with. If she's willing to place more effort into what you feel is missing & vice versa this could work. If you realize you're having cold feet about a future, it's best to learn that now before letting more years pass by.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

It's nice to know that you care about her and you do love her and you guys do have a nice companionship. It doesn't sound like a lot of passion per-say, some people need passion. Some people need companionship. Passion does not necessarily equate to physical intimacy. When I was struggling near the end of my first marriage, my mother told me this:

A relationship is like a garden. When you first set up the garden it's exciting, you are motivated, you are planting the seeds and seeing the flowers. The earth is rich with nutrients, the sun is shining and the physical labor is refreshing. But over time, some of the flowers don't bud. Some of the flowers fall to the side. Some of the flowers die. Weeds begin to grow. The garden needs water. It needs fertilizer. It needs maintenance. And, with all things in nature, it will grow in its own way once planted. 

My first marriage, I married my high school sweetheart. He was my best friend. We played video games. We stayed up all hours of the night. We drank beer and ate chimichangas. It was totally awesome. Sex was fantastic. We NEVER argued. No, if there was an issue, we'd just ignore it and pretend it never happened. But then... I got pregnant. We had a baby. It was time for us to start changing. Instead of a video game playing fun friend, I needed a partner. My first husband never bathed our children. Not once. He never helped with the finances. At one point, I had said to him, "I'd like to at least show you how to log into the bank account and show you what bills we have and how they need to be paid." He refused. I made every appointment for any healthcare needs (eventually even his). I maintained the house. The finances. The grocery shopping. I loved him. We still had fun. But over the years, I just got tired. I got bored. When I said I wanted a divorce, he wanted therapy. I agreed. Our counselor said I had become the parent and him the child. We were together for 13 years. The first 10 were great and fine. I loved him. I still do love him. I'm not in love with him. We had fun. But my life got tedious and boring. My quality of life was suffering and as a result, everything else was suffering. But we still never fought. 

Honestly, that was part of our issue. Conflict is neither good nor bad, it just is. How conflict is handled can be positive or negative. But I feel some conflict is necessary. 

You should have a nice chat with her. Even if it's just to say you need a little "spice" in your life (again not sexual) but just actions, activities, past-times - something, that stimulates you. Before you have that talk though, you need to identify, what it is that will give you that stimulation. Is it a spontaneous adventure? Is it shopping? Is it a board game? Is it a debate over politics, religion? Is it working on a project together? If those things would help you feel more stimulated and having her with you would make it perfect, then absolutely see if she's up for it. If none of these things sounds interesting or good and really you are working with some internal "hidden" need... you may want to go talk to someone objective to help you identify what it really is your soul is telling you that you need.


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