# Too much too fast? Advice please!



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

So, I'm back. 
I thought for sure after my separation and divorce (final last Jan.) I would never be interested in a relationship again. But being a 45 yo woman who looks younger and missed a LOT of the good stuff during my marriage, my bod started shouting for stuff. So, I have slowly come to the conclusion that married or not, I can do the things I did before I got married and not beat myself up for it. 

Initially, I thought I just wanted to go the cougar route. Didn't want to get emotionally involved, esp with someone my own age (seemed like guys my age are past the physical craze I currently feel, and want to be fused into their easy chairs with their remotes. I want some serious touch.) It isn't my nature to be getting around with more than one guy at a time. And I don't want to share my partner, either. but I still have/had quite a bit of anger at the ex, and not sure if I'm in the right place yet to be trying to start up romantic feelings. 

SO I met a guy last year who is tremendously sweet, smart, and oh-my-God hot. I was REALLY shut down emotionally then, and tho he commented a few times about my, uh, physique, I didn't follow up because I wasn't ready to go there, and wasn't sure I ever would be. And, he wasn't either; he was just complimenting. (He is actually not done with his divorce yet--papers are filed, but if she doesn't sign for any reason, she could still contest it. Which is making him a bit nuts.) 

We kept in touch through another friend, who has been trying to get us together. We were both reluctant (complicated lives, kids, etc..) but did go out together as a 3some (darts, soda, and dirty jokes.  

Something snapped, and I suddenly became really interested in him. He wants to be friends first, and is very, how shall I put this, full of self control when it comes to the physical aspect. He is clear and honest that he isn't ready for an emotional relationship, which I respect and don't want to push on him. We have been vacillating between the platonic and the physical, and I am about DYING for him physically , and doing a poor job of concealing it. He is okay with being physical, but doesn't want to jeopardize the friendship, so he's holding back some, to make sure we can "handle" both. 

He has told me that his main concern is that he doesn't hurt me, and I have assured him that I am a big girl and in charge of my own feelings. (Not feeling that way so much lately...Hmmm.) We have been out 3 times, and tho I have promised to keep the friendship end of it as important as the rest, I am unable to separate all the emotion out, and just feel overcome with all of it. I feel alive for the first time in almost 10 years, been singing and dancing around the house, and have that strong craving to to shower him with loving thoughtful acts and affection, because I feel so good from being with him. But don't want to scare him or further complicate his life. He needs a friend right now the most, and I want to be that for him, too, without my libido screwing it all up. 

I can't remember ever being this enraptured, even in high school. I am feeling pretty out of control and my blood boils when I think about him. But I also know he is a great guy, and I don't want to sleaze out on him and make him think that's all I want. I actually want to follow my heart into all kinds of trouble, but he is much more level headed and has to keep his cool, at least until the divorce is final. I get it. 

I don't know if I should back way the hell off and cool down, or try to just continue to try to not show him how into him I really am. That hasn't been working out real well so far. 

I need a cold shower and someone to shake some sense into me. Thanks for reading. 

Ideas??


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Sorry, I haven't read any of your previous threads so I don't know the background to you story....just wanted to offer my opinion on the facts given here.

This sounds like the start of an intense relationship; a friendship that is valued enough to be protected and barely controllable lust? 

Do you want a relationship?

I'd say the sex is confusing things. It sounds like your body has needs and is not shutting up about it!! Can you not find someone else you aren't so emotionally attached to get some of that sex stuff out of your system? Otherwise it just sounds like you are jumping straight into another relationship. Don't you just want to have some fun? 

I'm mid separation with my husband, and I am struggling with this...and although I am not at the place where I am ready to have sex with someone else (WEIRD!!) I have thought a great deal about it. I have sexual needs, but I absolutely do not under any circumstances want to enter into another relationship for a good while. It is hard to find the balance....

If you want a relationship with this man, then I guess you've got to respect his wishes and wait for....what I'm not sure????? In the meantime, buy a vibrator!

If you just want to have some good old fashioned responsible adult fun, then I'd suggest leaving him out of it, and finding a man who is not just completing a divorce. 

Like I said, I am quite a bit behind you on the path, but all of this just sounds so off putting to me, so much drama, fears/conversations about not getting hurt, taking things slow, hiding true feelings....it makes me want to scream in horror and run the other way!!! Having said that, I am yet to move out of the house I share with my husband...been separated for about 4 months...utter nightmare....so perhaps my tolerance levels are unnaturally low?!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm thinking until his divorce is final then anything can still happen yet with his marriage.I guess you're like a person who has been lost in the desert and finally stumbling across an oasis.If you try too much,too soon it might not be good for you.Maybe better to take smaller sips for a little while.Btw,not all men in their 40's sit on their a*s with the remote!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thank you both. We're going to keep it friends. I'm going to miss the kissing. I don't want to bounce into bed with just anyone. My vibrator is sick of me. But life goes on.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Careful now, don't have your vibrator file a restraining order:rofl:

I can attest to what others are saying here. You want to take it slow and establish a friendship before you have sex. Sex can easily be used to cover for a lack of communication, and that will leave you nothing to fall back on when you're not humping like little bunny rabbits. 

Real quick, the three things you want to look for in *red flags* are:

-History with his parents... did he feel overly neglected or abused?

-History with his exes… was it all their fault, his fault, or does he accept part of the blame. Can he talk about them without being hurt or resentful?

-Incongruences in his actions or stories… If he's putting up a charade he'll only show you a glimpse of his true character and then cover it up. 

Watch out for too many praises and putting you up on a pedestal, excessive pings or needy contact, and criticisms that come out of nowhere when you've done nothing wrong. What may seem like the perfect guy and relationship meant to be could all be a farce if he's hiding any emotional insecurities he expects to be fixed in your relationship. ie depression or a wonderlust. 

This isn't to put you down or tell you this relationship won't work. I just ant to point out some precautions you need to take so you don't get caught up in crazy or end up in a codependent relationship.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Someone made the comment that for your sexual needs you need to find someone you aren't too emotionally attached to, then you won't get hurt. I've been there...sort of. When a man says he doesn't want a relationship...it's very true, and you will get hurt. If he asks to be friends, I'm not even sure it would be smart, you already have all those feelings for him, and it's going to be like waiting for him to come around and be ready for a relationship....he wont' be for a while..again, you will get hurt. You don't need that right now, go out, have some fun dates, nothing serious.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> Careful now, don't have your vibrator file a restraining order:rofl:
> 
> I can attest to what others are saying here. You want to take it slow and establish a friendship before you have sex. Sex can easily be used to cover for a lack of communication, and that will leave you nothing to fall back on when you're not humping like little bunny rabbits.
> 
> ...


All valid points. If anything, though, I was rushing him, not the other way around. I think he needs a friend right now, and so I just need to be one and sit on my hands for a while. He's a very honest and loving guy who is just hurting too bad to deal with 1 more thing. I can wait.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

working_together said:


> Someone made the comment that for your sexual needs you need to find someone you aren't too emotionally attached to, then you won't get hurt. I've been there...sort of. When a man says he doesn't want a relationship...it's very true, and you will get hurt. If he asks to be friends, I'm not even sure it would be smart, you already have all those feelings for him, and it's going to be like waiting for him to come around and be ready for a relationship....he wont' be for a while..again, you will get hurt. You don't need that right now, go out, have some fun dates, nothing serious.


I had kind of hoped I could do that: have some flings and not get my heart wrapped up in it. But I'm not that kind of girl. I can't see more than one guy at a time intimately, and when I take a liking to some poor sap, I get affectionate, and commit (as far as not seeing others) quickly, and I want him to as well. I'm just a one man kind of girl. We did get a bit too far before we decided to cool it. Now I'm back peddling to save the friendship. He is more important to me as a person than as a sexual object. I think my PMS/raging hormones were influencing a lot of my "fever/fervor" before. Maybe if I just avoid him that week per month, I'll have a better time of it. 

It doesn't seem fair. I have lots of girlfriends in various stages of unhappy marriage, divorce, etc. When my girlfriends and I get off the phone, we often say, "love you," even though we're all straight. If my one friend is down, I take her a huge Diet Coke and we talk, and I might hug her. I would love to be the kind of friend to him that I am to them, but because he is male, and I am a little nutty for him, I can't do that. Maybe a nice back massage... Okay. Stop that. 

Nobody said life was fair. You'd think I'd have learned that by now.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

TBT said:


> Btw,not all men in their 40's sit on their a*s with the remote!


Whats a remote? And what is the male version of a cougar? A dirty old man?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he's told you he doesn't want a relationship, then that says it all.

I think you bein "physical" with him is not in you best interest since it's clear you want more and he doesn't. All it is going to do is confuse you.


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