# First time



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

Hello everyone - this is so long - sorry! I'm a long time lurker like a lot of ppl who come here. I have been married for 16 yrs this June. My husband was my 1st bf (1st everything). He was 13 & I was 12 - he was 15 & I was 14 when he broke up w/ me - broke my heart.

I dated a few other guys & when I was 15 I started dating an older guy (he was 21). He was the 1st guy I actually liked since my 1st bf. I've always been mature & looked older & even though I can't imagine my 15 yr daughter dating a 21 yr old - my parents allowed it. 

He was a good guy though & when I was 18/19 we moved in together. A yr or 2 later he came home from work 1 day & told me it wasn't working & he wanted me to move out. He was seeing someone else & was honest about it. I was DEVASTATED! But...I was a 21 yr old girl & never had a problem finding bf's. I wasn't the easiest person so I know I had a part in his doing this. A gf took me out to a bar & within an hr I had 4 or 5 guys buying me drinks & asking for my # & I knew I'd be ok. For the record, I still don't think he was a bad guy...he was just the wrong guy.

2 wks after splitting he came to me crying & saying he made a huge mistake & wanted me to come back. I'm the biggest softie ever so I did but I found that I couldn't stand him. It made me sick to watch him eat or hear him breathe, I didn't trust him but found I didn't care - it was awful. I was going out 1 nite w/ a gf & he came w/ us - he didn't want me to go. Did I mention he asked me to marry him right after I came back & I accepted. Stupid!)
My ex bf (now husband) happened to be at the bar we went to that nite & we talked for a few mins & the nxt wk he called me (I saw his grandma regularly at work & she got my #). We talked for a cpl wks & I broke things off w/ fiance.

My ex & I moved in together right away & got married 6 mos later & have been married since. We had a little girl a yr & a half later. She's 14 now & delightful. I don't regret the decision to marry him at all b/c I got her out of it. Our problems started after I had a falling out w/ his family & we've been estranged for 8 yrs. I take partial blame of course (it was over something stupid). My husband stood up for me & I thought that was amazing. Now he blames me 100% for keeping him away from his family. I've told him many times that I never asked him to stay away from them & I've encouraged him to reconcile. I've even offered to reach out to them & he doesn't want me to so I told him to stop talking about it if he won't allow me to try & fix things b/c that's all I can do.

I had a terrible, high risk pregnancy. After daughter was born - he didn't help w/ her at all. He never once gave her a bath, changed a diaper, fed her, put her to sleep, etc. He was free to come & go as he pleased. He had a good job, took care of us financially (he earns a lot more than I do) & he was a grown man & would do whatever he wants no matter how it made me feel. I of course *****ed about it & became very resentful. We started arguing a lot & it's been a rocky road since. He has no coping skills & can't stand being the blame for anything - for example- 1 nite he spilled a little tea while pouring it (no biggie) but he said "if u wouldn't have had the pitcher so full I wouldn't have spilled it". I was dumbfounded! Everything is my fault in his eyes.

If I talk to him he'll quietly listen & when I stop he says "anyway" & starts talking like he didn't even hear me. These things & so much more - have turned me into a negative, resentful *****. I try talking to him & he's passive aggressive - I'm sorry u got upset about whatever, but never never sorry for whatever he said/did in the 1st place. He's a hateful prick & is unbelievably arrogant. He tells me all the time that other women would kill to have him... 

I used to smoke & I would sneak around b/c he hated it & he caught me a few times & now says I've destroyed his feelings for me & our marriage by lying, keeping him from his family & being a ***** all the time. I agree it was wrong but in my mind I justified it to myself b/c I was trying to avoid conflict as much as possible. The double standards r rampant in our relationship. If he does something I don't want him to, I have to get over it.

He now wants to get a divorce but stay together?!? Even though he knows I can't keep his hlth ins & I have a condition that has to be monitored regularly. I think he only wants to stay together b/c I take care of everything. I even make his lunch like he's 5 yrs old. I'm considering doing what he wants b/c it's just a few yrs til kiddo is out of school & I really don't want to turn her life upside down. 

Also he's been physically abusive (rarely). I'm not afraid of him but he has actually choked me a few times (super scary). It's never ok for that to happen but I never know when to shut up & if I had I highly doubt it would've happened. Also, he was drinking every time it happened. 

I do all the house work (I have OCD so I'm picky af- so I get why he doesn't help), & I have a full time job. He has told me he doesn't love me anymore, he can't stand me & is embarrassed to be seen w/ me. My condition causes weight gain & makes it almost impossible to lose weight. That being said, I'm not that heavy. I just don't look like I used to. I have no motivation to even try & he told me once that I refuse to lose weight. So he would understand better how I feel, I told him that if a coach calls his quarterback to the side, tells him he's a useless piece of ****, he shouldn't be surprised when said quarterback doesn't give it his all, plays like **** & loses the game. He said he doesn't care about coaches, quarterbacks or football - or me.

He thinks it's lazy to sit down during the day...1 xmas he bought me the complete set of the show Friends & 1 day he came in (he had been at the coffee shop bsing w/ friends) & I was watching it. He asked if I was going to sit on my ass all day. Mind u, I had dusted, vacuumed, mopped the floors, fed our child, put her down for a nap & was folding laundry while watching it. I asked why he gave it to me if he didn't want me to actually watch it & that he should take it back if I can't watch it - so....he did. Same xmas I had bought him a tool he'd been wanting & he got so mad that he threw it out in the yard & took it back. He said he wanted to pick it out. The nxt yr he bought the same exact thing. Wtf!! I don't think for a second he's cheating - he would tell me just to hurt me & when we 1st got together he didn't want to get physical w/ me until I was completely away from my ex. There so much more but I don't want to write a 10 page post. I'd love to hear some thoughts about what I've said here so far - opinions of if I should divorce & stay or divorce like a normal person & leave. I don't want to get a divorce just to spend more time w/ him. Thanx in advance.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is controlling, abusive, and manipulative. Give him that divorce but for the love of GOD, make it a real divorce where you get away from this man! None of this "divorce but stay together" bullcrap, all he wants to do is use you. Only you can put a stop to this, and if you dont get out, you are the one who is allowing it to continue. Do not think for ONE SECOND that he will ever change. 

I'm sorry you are here.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

Hey 3x. I know ur right - I've been dealing with this crap for so long that it's become my normal. I'm not perfect & never will be but- ****! To hear him - he makes me sound like a terrible person. He tells me I've been awful to him for yrs & every one of our friends see & nobody likes me. I've started to believe it. Ugh! We went out w/ another cpl this past wkend & they were in the car w/ us too so they got to see & hear alot. He is going on a 2 wk vacation to Australia w/ his cousin in May & he says that he doesn't want to go anywhere w/ me b/c I'll ruin it...this cpl knows all about it. Several times he brought it up & none of us said anything - I mean...what the hell do u say? He was just an ass all nite. The girl that was w/ us came to the house yesterday looking for her phone charger & she told him that he was awful to me the whole nite & it was all on him b/c every time I let it go & tried to get along. At 1 point I told them all that I was miserable & that pissed him off. He told her he didn't believe that - he was just drunk. He had me blocked on fb for a cpl mos b/c I couldn't reach him 1 nite & I looked to see if he was active b/c I was worried & it pissed him off - he finally unblocked me & now he keeps saying he's going to post about everything. He knows I don't like that so that's why he's doing it. I am just defeated- I give up! Ty so much for posting.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You claim that you want to stay for your daughter, but I cant imagine the harm and damage that living with you both in this marriage has caused her. If he is as bad as you say, then surely she would be more than glad to live apart from him.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

You're right, she would. There's so so much she doesn't know. She knows how he is to me to an extent though. I definitely don't want her to think this is what love is supposed to look like. He's never mean to her (or anyone else). Most ppl wouldn't believe a word I've said. He bends over backward for everyone else. I've always liked that about him but makes it worse for me b/c I know how nice he can be. That's partly how he convinces me it's all my fault b/c he isn't like that to anyone else.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

1 other reason I've hung around is b/c he tells me he'll try for 50/50 custody. I have 3 ruptured discs in my back & he keeps saying I'm a drug addict b/c I get pain pills. I had a whole bottle of pills from last oct that he took & flushed or hid or something. I told him that if I was an addict I wouldn't have pills from mos ago & they were prescribed to me so I'm doing nothing wrong, but he insists I'm an addict. I would take a daily drug test & have no problem passing it but I hate the he said, she said drama it will entail. I hate all of the needless drama!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Are you wanting advice on what to do or are you just wanting to vent and for people to tell you that you are a good person and that he is an ass for treating you like that?


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

I don't know what I want - honestly. I know he's an ass & I know I need to get away from him. I just don't know how to do it. I've never told anyone any of this b/c I know how stupid I look for putting up w/ it. So I guess I am looking to vent & get advise or opinions. I'm for sure not trying to waste anyone's time.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So he is leaving the country for two weeks, eh? There is your escape, he is handing it to you. RUN. Use that time to move completely out of your house, with your daughter of course, and file for divorce and for an order of protection from him. Your husband isnt just an ass, he is a toxic, dangerous manipulator. Your daughter is 14, courts will not force her to live with him if she says that it is not what she wants, especially if she shares your abuse with them. He has been abusing you for so many years that you dont even realize it any more, as you said before, this is your normal. Well its NOT normal and it is NOT healthy for your daughter either.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

https://thoughtcatalog.com/andrea-d...relationship-with-a-toxic-master-manipulator/

https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/savv...logical-abuser-projection-and-blame-shifting/

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-...-youve-been-abused-by-a-malignant-narcissist/

https://narcsite.com/ - this site is very uncomfortable to read if you are a victim, but very informative. 

I am in no way trying to diagnose him or anything, but wanted to just give you some things to read that sound to me like they relate to your situation and your H's abusive personality. Also Google narcissistic fuel, and the gray rock technique. You sound quite strong to me, I honestly am surprised you are still with him. Many times when wives come here dealing with the same crap you are, they are mush. But you arent, in my opinion. I think you just need some validation and commiseration to help you see the reality of your situation and to help you gain some courage to get out.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Emotional abuse is insidious--you are so used to it, you don't recognize it. If he slapped you around physically the way he does emotionally and mentally, would you still stay? I think he wants to live the single life while you become the maid and housekeeper. Is that what you want?

Who made him king of the world that you have to believe everything he says. Talk to a lawyer now so you know your rights. Do you know how much a two week trip to Australia from Missouri costs?


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

I'm not weak - I've been trying to hold it together. Why? Who knows. Ur right. He buys whatever he wants- always has. He went on a wk long vacation to Colorado last yr w/ the same cousin & an uncle. The last few wks he's spent an average of $200 a wk on clothes, shoes, headphones etc. I think he's having a midlife crisis on top of his normal crappy ways. He's wearing jeans that he used to make fun of other men his age for wearing & he's been working out - all the usual signs. I've never cared what he spends as long as the bills are paid & he's always been ok w/ me shopping if we need something. He has 3 vehicles, a tractor, lawn mower, bose headphones- 2 pairs now...the list goes on & on. I only want what I need - my car, furniture, a reasonable buy out of everything else & of course, full custody of my daughter. I was already thinking about doing it while he's gone. It's nice to hear other ppl who think like me. Makes me feel not all alone.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

fj5e said:


> I'm not weak - I've been trying to hold it together. Why? Who knows. Ur right. He buys whatever he wants- always has. He went on a wk long vacation to Colorado last yr w/ the same cousin & an uncle. The last few wks he's spent an average of $200 a wk on clothes, shoes, headphones etc. I think he's having a midlife crisis on top of his normal crappy ways. He's wearing jeans that he used to make fun of other men his age for wearing & he's been working out - all the usual signs. I've never cared what he spends as long as the bills are paid & he's always been ok w/ me shopping if we need something. He has 3 vehicles, a tractor, lawn mower, bose headphones- 2 pairs now...the list goes on & on. I only want what I need - my car, furniture, a reasonable buy out of everything else & of course, full custody of my daughter. I was already thinking about doing it while he's gone. It's nice to hear other ppl who think like me. Makes me feel not all alone.


$200 a week on clothes, shoes, etc?? Ridiculous! Sounds more like a possible affair... I think midlife crisis is a myth, personally. Add to that how he treats you, I would not be shocked at all if he is getting some on the side. Honestly its neither here nor there, because he is abusive anyway and you already know you need to get out. I am so glad to see you had the same thoughts about bugging out while he is gone. You have til May to get a plan implemented. 

I didnt notice before that you are in Missouri, so am I. If you want to, PM me where you're from!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should have already gone to see a lawyer by now.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

I would agree with u about an affair but he still wants it from me - all the time. He even wants me to go shopping with him to help pick out clothes more suited to a 20 yr old than a 40 yr old. He blames all this behavior on me, of course. That & I have no doubt that he would tell me if he was messing around b/c it would hurt me & he doesn't worry about repercussions. I don't know how much I even care at this point though. I will try to figure out how to pm u & let u know where I am. I'm new to all this & not very tech savvy.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I got your PM and I responded! 

Him still wanting sex is not necessarily a sign of fidelity.. many cheaters want even MORE sex from their betrayed partners while they are in their affair. But if you really think his personality is mean enough that he would tell you so that he could hurt you? Maybe you could be right, you know him better than us strangers. Honestly no one here has ever said that they think their spouse is evil enough that they would throw an affair in their face. But like you said... would it really even matter....


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

He would absolutely let me know if he cheated - I have no doubt. I never really believed in mlc either but 10 yrs ago I wouldn't have believed this man capable of dressing like he is now. He used to make fun of men his age for wearing this stuff & now he is. He even wants me to go help him pick out stuff. I said something the other day about his jeans & he said "u picked these out!" & I was like "yes, b/c that's all there is in the store u went to". I don't even think they look bad - it's that he used to think that of other ppl who wore them! Ugh!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fj5e said:


> I would agree with u about an affair but he still wants it from me - all the time. He even wants me to go shopping with him to help pick out clothes more suited to a 20 yr old than a 40 yr old. He blames all this behavior on me, of course. That & I have no doubt that he would tell me if he was messing around b/c it would hurt me & he doesn't worry about repercussions. I don't know how much I even care at this point though. I will try to figure out how to pm u & let u know where I am. I'm new to all this & not very tech savvy.


You're making the mistake of thinking a man cheats for the same reason a woman cheats. There's an old saying - a man cheats for more sex; a woman cheats for emotion. 

And trust me, he wouldn't tell you if he was cheating. Explain why you think he would. It makes no sense.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

He has actually told me that he hasn't cheated but if he does he'll let me know. He is brutally honest & says what he wants b/c he does NOT care how it makes others feel. If someone has lung cancer & is a smoker he'll tell them "that's what u get for smoking". The man does not have a sensitive bone in his body. If someone needs help moving - he'll be the 1st person to volunteer but if he found out there house burnt b/c the wiring was old he'd tell them it's their fault for not having it checked when they bought the house. The moving story didn't happen but I could totally see it. The cancer story is real. No empathy or sympathy. Now... if someone lost their house to arson he may feel bad for them. I don't understand it either - I just know him well.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then he has no redeeming qualities so who cares what he does? Are you ready to move on yet?


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

Yes turnera....would've been gone long ago if not for my daughter. But...u kind people have helped me see that she & I will be ok. I don't know when I'll talk to him as he travels for work. He's home 2 nites a wk but we barely see each other. He is home every wkend though so soon. Can't wait to see what he throws my way after I tell him. I have actually mentioned leaving while he's gone & he told me not to threaten him & go ahead & leave now if I want. He knows I don't want that b/c of her. I may just not bother telling him - I'll be at an advantage if he doesn't know before hand - right?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep just get your plan together and let him come home to find you gone. No way in hell would he expect that and wouldn’t you love to see the look on his face! Consult an attorney to make sure you do this in a way he can’t say you kidnapped your daughter or something stupid like that. You could even file first. 

The more you talk the more awful he sounds. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

fj5e said:


> If someone has lung cancer & is a smoker he'll tell them "that's what u get for smoking".


Geez. So I assume he is totally organic material with no additives? Other wise if he were to get it, and since he doesn't smoke, and air fresheners/colognes are just as dangerous he would tell himself thats what he gets for using them?
Or if they work around a city that's what they get for living where there are diesel particulates in the air?
Chemical off gassing of new furniture, houses, cars, air fresheners exposing people to the same chemicals in cigarettes which cause cancer. Many studies saying they are actually worse.

Sounds kind of self-righteous and arrogant.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

U can bet that if he ever gets it - it will be someone else's fault. He doesn't like air freshener & rarely uses cologne b/c he has a super sensitive nose. He can smell a flea fart in Africa! He has bought me perfume then griped when I wore it. A tangled mess is how he makes me feel.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do you know, is he on the spectrum?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men? May as well start reading that at the same time as you find a lawyer. You need to know what you're dealing with and what to expect when you break away.


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

I don't think he's on spectrum but who knows. I will read that book. I love to read - he tells me I'm boring b/c I read a lot & I like movies. I may be boring but I've become a lot smarter than I used to be so that's ok.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He has only choked you a few times.

That's totally wrong.

Too risky for you and your daughter.

Divorce is a good option. For you.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

fj5e said:


> Hey 3x. I know ur right - I've been dealing with this crap for so long that it's become my normal. I'm not perfect & never will be but- ****! To hear him - he makes me sound like a terrible person. He tells me I've been awful to him for yrs & every one of our friends see & nobody likes me. I've started to believe it. Ugh! We went out w/ another cpl this past wkend & they were in the car w/ us too so they got to see & hear alot. He is going on a 2 wk vacation to Australia w/ his cousin in May & he says that he doesn't want to go anywhere w/ me b/c I'll ruin it...this cpl knows all about it. Several times he brought it up & none of us said anything - I mean...what the hell do u say? He was just an ass all nite. The girl that was w/ us came to the house yesterday looking for her phone charger & she told him that he was awful to me the whole nite & it was all on him b/c every time I let it go & tried to get along. At 1 point I told them all that I was miserable & that pissed him off. He told her he didn't believe that - he was just drunk. He had me blocked on fb for a cpl mos b/c I couldn't reach him 1 nite & I looked to see if he was active b/c I was worried & it pissed him off - he finally unblocked me & now he keeps saying he's going to post about everything. He knows I don't like that so that's why he's doing it. I am just defeated- I give up! Ty so much for posting.


Your H is an abusive POS. He sounds like a narcissist (this is what they do, undermine your self esteem, pretend noone likes you, etc, go and read up on this, knowledge is Power) and you sound co-dependent putting up with so much just to hang onto the family. This is no environment for your kid to grow up in. Start planning to leave him NOW, start getting your ducks in a row.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

please make sure you have a plan together (visted the lawyer, finances, custody/child care, etc.) together before you talk to him about this. You need YOUR plan to be solid so when he starts blowing smoke at you, you can stand strong.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@fj5e, how are you doing? I just wanted to check in on you...


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You and your daughter are in danger.

Women and children are in even more danger when they leave.

Because the abuser sees he is losing control.

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING!

Get legal help and make a plan and you and her escape.

Are there battered womens shelters in your area that you can ask for help and advice?


----------



## fj5e (Feb 7, 2019)

Hey everyone! I'm fine - just hanging in there. He's going to be leaving on his trip in a month. Sometimes I hate him so much & sometimes I don't. It'll all work out - just ready to be done.


----------

