# Divorce/Separation and Mental Health issues



## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

I'm almost 3 months into a separation after my Hs affair (and we will not R). I made a lot of quick progress and I don't cry every day anymore. Though these last few weeks I feel like I've been going backwards emotionally that aren't specifically related to the separation or H or affair but that seem to have been triggered by it. I've had some childhood trauma (and abandonment issues) that was never really dealt with and I was hospitalized with eating disorders and depression when I was a teenager. 

It seems that the separation has triggered all these issues to come back and it's making me feel overwhelmed with all the "other" mental issues I have to deal with (to be clear, I hadn't re-experienced any of these issues since I was 18). Last night for example I had nightmare after nightmare about what happened to me as a child until I finally got up at 3am. When I started journaling I realized I was really angry not just that that I had these issues but that my ex had abandoned me with them, which made my mountain of issues grow even more. Today is not a good day 

I thought I would reach out in this forum to see if anyone else is experiencing the pain of d/s compounded with other mental health issues like PTSD, EDs, OCD etc. How are you coping?

I tried to find resources online about how to cope with MH issues and d/s at the same time but I didn't find all that much which makes me feel even more like a freak. So any resource suggestions, web links etc.. really appreciated.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Are you seeing a therapist of any kind right now? I have had depression since I was a teenager, raised by a narcissistic mom, which prepped me to walk into what turned into an emotionally abusive marriage to a man with many mental issues. Starting therapy was the thing that helped me the most. I read a lot of books on my own that related to the things I went through as a kid in between appointments. Also read things that related to my marriage -- co-dependency, abuse, spouse's depression, etc. 

You're not a freak. D/S is difficult for people who've never had mental health issues. We'll be happy to offer support here, and if feel comfortable about sharing a little more about specifics, maybe folks here can come up with books that were helpful. 

But a therapist, or a support group of some kind could also be very helpful for you.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Thanks AP! I am seeing an IC but I haven't told her everything yet because I've only been going to her since November and I'm still not 100% comfortable sharing. She's great though and I will muster up the courage soon but I'm still really anxious just thinking about it. 

Also my appts are only 1x per 2 weeks so it would be good to reach out to people in between. 

I've also had depression since childhood (because of events early in my life), was anorexic and later bulimic and cutting myself. My father walked out and left, no contact since I was 19. I've always struggled with accepting myself so when I was in my relationship I became co-dependent because I felt needed and accepted (and "normal"), which made me happy (sort of, I guess, at least I thought so at the time). 

So since the separation I'm feeling really abandoned and anxious, started getting obsessed about cleaning and now can't eat and feel like purging when I feel I ate too much and I'm having nightmares again about my childhood. So yeah... that's it in a nutshell. 

I'm reading a couple of books, which are helpful like co-dependent no more and getting over your breakup but any other suggestions for books and websites are welcome!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I've been in a group where we're learning DBT. It has helped a lot with dealing with self-acceptance, anxiety, co-dependence and other things. Marsha Linehan is the person who developed it. I'm not sure if she's written specific books (we are only using part of the program manual in my group), but it's very helpful. Also look into Internal Family Systems. It is very interesting in that it deals with the different parts of a person that develop, similar to the different roles people take on within a dysfunctional family. Several people on here have talked about it. I was able to get this one from the library. It's also not too expensive on Amazon:

Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition: Jay Earley: 9780984392773: Amazon.com: Books

Were your mom or husband abusive in any way?


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Thanks. What's DBT? I found the Earley book on amazon and it's available on kindle (yay!).

No abuse from either. My mom is (and was) like a child, looking out for herself first and kids/husband waaaay behind in 2nd. I feel terrible saying it but I'm surprised my father lasted as long in that M as he did. My H was like my mom in a way, I never came 1st or 2nd or sometimes even 3rd in his life. It was always him, work, friends, whatever else was going on in his life, mother, me. It's kind of the same pattern from my childhood.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Ahhh --- then you might want to check out a book that helped me a LOT: 
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Karyl McBride: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books

This one might also be pertinent:
The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed: Jasmin Lee Cori MS LPC: 9781615190287: Amazon.com: Books

DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It's a mixture of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and mindfulness practice. So not, just relearning things by retraining your mind, but also learning to deal with the anxiety, issues of abandonment, self-loathing, etc.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That first one really opened my eyes, and explained a lot of why I am the way I am (was? I hope so). I began to feel the same way about my dad, too. He did leave us, after becoming very close to physical abuse. I'm not excusing that, but it was a very toxic situation, and he put himself into years of counseling on his issues, but never wanted to try coming back to my mom. I know now that it NEVER would have worked because of her.

I really recommend the McBride book.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Wow! I read the description of the McBride book on Amazon and it describes me as the daughter of a narcissistic mother to a T! Too bad it's not on Kindle. I will go to the bookstore this weekend to look for it.


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