# Please just delete this thread



## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> We're in a situation where I can't sue her for divorce but her idea of amicable is I starve.


Why?


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Tie Dye Sean said:


> Because sueing her would open a can of worms neither of us would survive.


You have already resigned yourself to defeat I see, no wonder your wife and your family makes fun of you.

I'm sure you love your children very much so ask yourself is this the type of father you want them to see?


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

What’s in this can that the worms are feeding on? It’s hard to believe that it could be so bad and somehow not be part of the problem in your marriage.


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Tie Dye Sean said:


> Yes, I have become the type of man I want my children to see but I work with a lot of chemo patients and if one of them told me their family made fun of them for puking, I would find that abhorrent.
> When I went through my transformation and became a better person it seems that their resentment started to grow. Or maybe that's just when I started to notice.


🤦‍♂️

I'm talking about your self respect and strength to carry out what is in your best interest no matter what difficulties lie ahead for you.

You want a divorce but what is stopping you truly - what is so bad that you surrender so readily?


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Yes, I have become the type of man I want my children to see but I work with a lot of chemo patients and if one of them told me their family made fun of them for puking, I would find that abhorrent.
> When I went through my transformation and became a better person it seems that their resentment started to grow. Or maybe that's just when I started to notice.


It is abhorrent. I can't imagine what sort if people would make fun of someone going through chemo.

I still don't understand why you cant get a divorce.

Oh and 20 isn't a child. I married at 19, it was v common when I was that age to marry young.


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

She's not 20 any more. Have you tried marriage counseling to reignite the spark?

Even if it's amicable you still have to go to court to get divorced. If she gets nasty, you don't have to respond in kind. You can still keep your cool & focus on your kids.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> When we started having children what's in my best interest took second place.
> 
> If I truly wanted a divorce I'd just walk away. But I can't do that to the kids. And if I wanted to surrender I wouldn't have spent so much time and money on personal development but what summed it up was the psycho analysis I was given on her.


Classic tale of "staying for the kids" vs a divorce.



> Apparently when a 20 girl falls for an older man she is really seeking a daddy replacement, not a partner. And I was so non emotional that I was just looking for breeding stock. With all the parameters I gave her, she told me we stood 182% chance of not making it 10 years after the birth of our first daughter. I guess we're just stubborn as hell because we've been together almost 20 years.


Not always, my last ex was 18 when I met her while I was 32 and our dynamics were definitely nothing like that, if anything it leaned more towards me being the baby lol. We broke up for many other reasons however. Young women at those ages seem to be only beginning to figure out what they want though it seems.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I can relate... lol... How old is your youngest? Wait for that and then leave.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Can anyone relate?


Are you kidding ? Of course I relate. I have had 2 marriages and a SO relationship in which you describe the exact dynamics. You know,, the ones where I am the pack mule upon which she rides and places the burdens of her life. The one where the kids disrespect you because their mother does.



Tie Dye Guy said:


> when a 20 girl falls for an older man she is really seeking a daddy replacement, not a partner.


The psychobabblists can say whatever they want, but in my experience, even when a woman 9 years older than you "falls" for you, she is looking for a daddy replacement. But, in my case, there wasn't any "fall". There was a feigned "fall" and a manipulation game to get me to believe there was a "fall". A con game to secure monetary and physical support, built-in babysitter.



Tie Dye Guy said:


> she felt that meant I didn't want to be with her.


Yep. And I tried to show her I did. But the actual truth is, I didn't want to be with her. You know what I wished I had said to them ? I should have aske "....why in the name of God would I want to be with you.?? .a person who doesn't want me sexually, not attracted to me for any reason, has no purpose in life for me except as a "provider" ?? Please give me one good reason I should want to be with you......all the things you want for your own life have NOTHNG TO DO WITH ME. I am only a means to an end. A slave which you own."



Tie Dye Guy said:


> amicable and her definition of that is unacceptable.


Their definition of marriage iwas also unacceptable.



Tie Dye Guy said:


> living together in hell is better than living apart in 8x10 cells.


For me, the FACTS were, that i HAD A CHOICE. I took the better and easier choice. The FACT was, if I remained married, I could somewhat control what my kids had to endure. Divorced, being a weekend dad, would never have given them the kind of upbringing I wanted them to have. The FACT was, I would have also been dirt poor while giving her the lion's share of the money I made. The FACT was, the marriage was lousy. But, staying married, in the legal sense, I had the freedom to make THE REST OF MY LIFE better. There was no court telling me how much money I had to give her, when I could be a father to my boys I used "emotional divorce" as my shield. I just learned to not give a carpenter's damn what she thought, what she said. I just told her "....if you want out, you know where the door is... please use it, and make my day. "



In Absentia said:


> Wait for that and then leave.


Good plan.


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You can't have a single lawyer. That is not how lawyers work. It's an adversarial system by design but they do offer mediation & something called collaborative divorce is a thing. Yes, you actually have to have the divorce papers signed by a judge It's not optional. 

Don't be cheap about this. A good divorce lawyer will cut through the nonesense to get you aaprt unless you become entrenched over stupid stuff like who is going to own a particular possession. It's only stiff. You can get more.


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## Tie Dye Guy (8 mo ago)

Can amin delete this thread. I thought this was a support group but it's mostly trolls..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Because living together in hell is better than living apart in 8x10 cells. The only way we could keep it out of court would be for it to be amicable and her definition of that is unacceptable.


Why would living apart be so much worse?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I may be totally wrong, but is the chemo for becoming a transgender, and not for fighting cancer?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think I understand. I don’t recall ever reading a case like this on these pages or anywhere else.

Maybe the end of The Godfather 2 could provide a template for you? Not the boat part but the revelation after the abortion.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Because living together in hell is better than living apart in 8x10 cells. The only way we could keep it out of court would be for it to be amicable and her definition of that is unacceptable.


What did you do that would land you both incarcerated??? 

Perhaps you are not understanding the law.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

You keep mentioning can of worms, jail cells, can’t divorce because of what would come out. Does she have some really bad dirt on you or something? You mention working with chemo patients. Are you an oncologist who has been committing Medicare fraud for years or something?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

A lot of things in life you don't get a do over for. Sending your wife out to flirt with other guys on your dime while you babysit the kids is one of them. Cuckoldry is never forgiven.

At this point you just gotta pick one of your bad options. Put up with being treated like you are or deal with the consequences of getting divorced.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> we stood 182% chance of not making it 10 years


Oddly specific. Your w is a mathematician as well as a brat.

Someone on these boards said something profound (to me) that might help you.
"_If you want your wife to be interested in you, be interesting_"

I don't know how that might play out in your dynamic with daddy issues in the picture, but it's clear that you are not interesting to her.

Can you become interesting to her?

I'm not trying to blame you for this, but if there's no infidelity or abuse involved then every problem belongs to you both.

Best of luck to you.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> It is abhorrent. I can't imagine what sort if people would make fun of someone going through chemo.
> 
> I still don't understand why you cant get a divorce.
> 
> Oh and 20 isn't a child. I married at 19, it was v common when I was that age to marry young.


Amen. File and move on. She is not happy you are not happy. Get yourself in to regular sessions with a good counselor NOW! I sense self esteem issues with you big time


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

You seem absolutely sure you don’t want to divorce.
So the only options seem to be to separate, live as is or live together and do your own thing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Because living together in hell is better than living apart in 8x10 cells. The only way we could keep it out of court would be for it to be amicable and her definition of that is unacceptable.


If you would both end up in prison, wouldn't that be a pretty darn good incentive for her to avoid court?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> If you would both end up in prison, wouldn't that be a pretty darn good incentive for her to avoid court?


Ha! Good point.
But I think something else is likely going on in this thread.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is a statute of limitations on prostitution. If that plays into your hesitancy to divorce.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like they can't afford to have their financials scrutinized.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

D0nnivain said:


> You can't have a single lawyer. That is not how lawyers work. It's an adversarial system by design but they do offer mediation & something called collaborative divorce is a thing. *Yes, you actually have to have the divorce papers signed by a judge It's not optional.*
> 
> Don't be cheap about this. A good divorce lawyer will cut through the nonesense to get you aaprt unless you become entrenched over stupid stuff like who is going to own a particular possession. It's only stiff. You can get more.


Yes, a judge has to sign the divorce papers. But a divorcing couple does not have to go to court in person and have a hearing if the couple agrees to the terms of divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> All week long they showed me they don't really care about me. I didn't complain and only tried to support. But it broke my heart when they made fun of me while in the bathroom from some of the side effects I have to deal with.


If my kids did that to me, I would confront them. Did you? If not, why not?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If my kids did that to me, I would confront them. Did you? If not, why not?


It feels like there's a lot of water under the bridge, never challenged. We're left wondering in what way the two are irrevocably tied together by something from their past that would land them in jail if they were to divorce. Is it a nuclear option both hold over each other? That they can't be forced to testify against each other if married? And what's changed such that he's questioning the abuse he's been getting now, which he just let go for so long?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CallingDrLove said:


> You keep mentioning can of worms, jail cells, can’t divorce because of what would come out. Does she have some really bad dirt on you or something? You mention working with chemo patients. *Are you an oncologist who has been committing Medicare fraud for years or something*?


I doubt he is going to tell you that...


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I doubt he is going to tell you that...


Of course not, just keeping myself entertained by making up stuff.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> I totally understand and appreciate your thought but that can has kept her quite comfortable for almost 20 years. It's just not something we'd want to confess to in court.


So mom is doing drugs?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Because sueing her would open a can of worms neither of us would survive.


Yes you would


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

CallingDrLove said:


> You keep mentioning can of worms, jail cells, can’t divorce because of what would come out. Does she have some really bad dirt on you or something? You mention working with chemo patients. Are you an oncologist who has been committing Medicare fraud for years or something?




I'm giving OP the benefit of the doubt that he is overexaggerating the consequences of his divorce, but hey... lol


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> When we started having children what's in my best interest took second place.
> 
> 
> If I truly wanted a divorce I'd just walk away. But I can't do that to the kids. And if I wanted to surrender I wouldn't have spent so much time and money on personal development but what summed it up was the psycho analysis I was given on her. Apparently when a 20 girl falls for an older man she is really seeking a daddy replacement, not a partner. And I was so non emotional that I was just looking for breeding stock. With all the parameters I gave her, she told me we stood 182% chance of not making it 10 years after the birth of our first daughter. I guess we're just stubborn as hell because we've been together almost 20 years.


Did you tell your kids how awful it made you feel about them making fun of you because of chemo meds? Did you make it clear to them how AWFUL they are to do something like that, and not just to you? That shows EXTREMELY low character to do that.

You may not want to divorce for your own reasons, but I would make damn sure that your will is updated.
Your wife and kids sound SUPER entitled -- so make sure that they aren't entitled to any of your hard-earned assets when you go. 

I still don't get why you can't divorce -- has there been something illegal going on for the past 20 years?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Being a martyr is a thankless task. Your wife and kids won’t give a damn about your sacrifice.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Someone said you can not use the same Attorney. Not true in Indiana. When my x and I divorced after 30 years, her attorney drew everything up. I did have an attorney review the paperwork (cost me $500 in 2011) but that was all. Signed it at her attorneys office, then it was sent and signed by the judge. One attorney, never saw the Judge.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Hoosier said:


> Someone said you can not use the same Attorney. Not true in Indiana. When my x and I divorced after 30 years, her attorney drew everything up. I did have an attorney review the paperwork (cost me $500 in 2011) but that was all. Signed it at her attorneys office, then it was sent and signed by the judge. One attorney, never saw the Judge.


That may be but both of YOU didn't use the same attorney. Her attorney represented HER and her best interests and you simply agreed. Attorneys only represent one side of one deal. The other side can choose not to have representation which is what you did.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Tie Dye Guy said:


> Apparently when a 20 girl falls for an older man she is really seeking a daddy replacement, not a partner. And I was so non emotional that I was just looking for breeding stock. With all the parameters I gave her, she told me we stood 182% chance of not making it 10 years after the birth of our first daughter. I guess we're just stubborn as hell because we've been together almost 20 years.


Not in my case, I met my wife on her 19th bday. I was 29. Our relationship was no different than any others, no daddy thing going. We made it 17 years so far


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