# Drunk wife = husband paranoid. Help?



## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

So my wife and I have been married for 13 years, and have only really been serious with each other since we dated through high school. I have battled jealousy issues for awhile and have gone to therapy and I believe I have been getting better. Now I am more of a drinker than my wife but she will on occasion have a few drinks and maybe even get drunk occasionally. Now being rational I know that she is a grown woman and I need to trust her. But part of me get so paranoid and upset when I hear about her being drunk or see her drunk unless its just the 2 of us. Even the other night we were out of town with her family and she got pretty hammered at the bar with me, her sisters and her dad and I still was pissed and kept harassing her about it even though it was obviously a safe situation. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am just seeing if anyone else is that way and how to fix it. The rest of our relationship is great I just need to work on this. It could be jealousy but part of me thinks it's just a control thing since when it's just the 2 of us I am fine. It's like she's not "herself" and I don't have control over things which bothers me and I don't know why. Sorry for being long winded, needed to vent. Any responses would be great, thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustCan'tDeal (Feb 24, 2012)

Honestly, I think you need more therapy. You sound super controlling. Has she ever given you reason not to trust her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JH, you seem to be describing a strong fear of abandonment. If so, you have intense feelings to deal with and there is nothing "ridiculous" about them. It is a very good sign that you are able to recognize the feelings and talk about them. Do you recall if you ever experienced a trauma (e.g., abandonment or abuse or emotionally distant parent) before age five?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A woman who gets hammered and is out without her husband is making herself a target. She is removing her ability to say no. 

I would not live in such a marriage.

The trust you need in her is to be able to trust she will not do this. You should trust the people who are around your wife.

My wife doing this would indicate I need to intervene.

And I really could less if anyone agrees with me or not. I am telling you you do need to put a stop to this.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> A woman who gets hammered and is out without her husband is making herself a target. She is removing her ability to say no.
> 
> I would not live in such a marriage.
> 
> ...


He was there. He said it bothers him unless just 2 of them. Nowhere did he say she is out without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When you and your wife a drinking, her behavior is going to change, as does everyone when they drink. I think it might be that her behavior changes and you can't predict how she might react/ respond once she gets tipsy. When it's just the two of you, you don't have to be every watchful.

It is a control issue, and jealousy is a control issue. You need to explore this in therapy.

Intellectually, you know your wife is safe to be drinking when she is with you and family or friends. But it's the unpredictable that you can't control.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> He was there. He said it bothers him unless just 2 of them. Nowhere did he say she is out without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right. I know. But I get where he is coming from. She may have a problem.

He does not like to see his wife lose control of herself. I get it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

But this is jealoushubby. This is what he posts about.

Read his other posts.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> A woman who gets hammered and is out without her husband is making herself a target. She is removing her ability to say no.
> 
> I would not live in such a marriage.
> 
> ...



dammit Entropy, just when I was beginning to like you!

I assume this means men also should never get drunk unless with their wife? Is that one of your rules too?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> dammit Entropy, just when I was beginning to like you!
> 
> I assume this means men also should never get drunk unless with their wife? Is that one of your rules too?


Men and women are not the same. Men do not get pulled into a van, raped and thrown into the field. Women do.

Men do not get preyed upon like women do.

That said, my dad was an alocoholic. I know about this stuff. If this was written by a woman I would tell her the same thing.

I very rarely get "drunk". I did when I was a stupid kid. I love to drink. But I never lose my ability to say no. 

Women are at a much bigger risk. Deny this all you want. If I am passed out I will not be having sex. If a woman is passed she may be having copious sex.

But again this is jealoushubby. This is what his threads are about.

I did not marry a party girl. This guy is bothered when he sees his wife this way. Well maybe he is bothered. Read the rest. You be the judge.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jealousy aside, I am hearing a great deal about drinking in your post. Your wife gets "hammered" now and then, but you drink more than her.

Ever considered that there is a problem/issue with drinking? And I mean for both of you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Men and women are not the same. Men do not get pulled into a van, raped and thrown into the field. Women do.
> 
> Men do not get preyed upon like women do.
> 
> ...


He's bothered because he has problems. Hes bothered because he needs to control things. Maybe he has a drinking problem, maybe his wife does... Or maybe he needs to take his own medicine!

I don't for a second deny that a drunk woman is a target. But she doesn't have to be drunk for those things to happen. She just has to be isolated. Isolated from her group, isolated from the crowd, isolated from where it is safe.

The few times I year I know a GNO is likely to be a drunken GNO, for me, I appoint a keeper. No matter what, I never leave the side of the keeper. I don't go to the bathroom, don't go get another round. When the keeper says it's time to go, I go. I take my turn as the keeper too. I don't drink often ( maybe twice a month for happy hour) and get drunk even less often, but when I do, I enjoy the hell out of it!

Stay thirsty my friend!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> He's bothered because he has problems. Hes bothered because he needs to control things. Maybe he has a drinking problem, maybe his wife does... Or maybe he needs to take his own medicine!
> 
> I don't for a second deny that a drunk woman is a target. But she doesn't have to be drunk for those things to happen. She just has to be isolated. Isolated from her group, isolated from the crowd, isolated from where it is safe.
> 
> ...


Anon, If you were my wife I bet you would not party as much as you do. You would not want to.

But I digress.


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## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> But this is jealoushubby. This is what he posts about.
> 
> Read his other posts.


Yeah I know that's what my posts are about. I thought that's what this site was for. We have a strong marriage and I would never leave her over drinking me and her family. I realize that I have issues with control and jealousy and I am reaching out to get some advice. Didn't think that was a bad thing.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Jealous hubby, 

How does your wife act when she's drunk? Does she flirt with other guys? Get aggressive, etc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

ubercoolpanda said:


> Jealous hubby,
> 
> How does your wife act when she's drunk? Does she flirt with other guys? Get aggressive, etc?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife is louder anyway so when she is drinking she can be a bit louder and a little annoying. Lol. She is pretty naive though and bc she is a bit louder and outgoing sometimes it may come off as flirtatious even though she had no intention of that. Hope that makes sense
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

When she goes on a girls night out though if she is going to a bar or somewhere other guys are she won't let herself get too drunk. Maybe once or twice a year some girls will have a sleepover and get pretty tipsy but it's just the girls. That even makes me have those bad feelings though which I know makes zero sense. Sometimes if she is with me with friends she will let loose a bit bc I am there. Neither of us having a drinking problem, I drink more than her but maybe a handful of times a year this will come up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jealoushubby (Oct 7, 2011)

I would love to get this under control though for a number of obvious reasons. One of which being usually if I can stay cool when she had a buzz it will benefit me later in the night.....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Men and women are not the same. Men do not get pulled into a van, raped and thrown into the field. Women do.
> 
> Men do not get preyed upon like women do.
> 
> ...


Oh gawd.

If a woman is passed out she's not having sex she's being raped. 

If a woman is pulled into a van and raped etc that is the rapists fault.

The guys wife was drinking with him there.

He is being irrational. 

He even said he drinks much more then his wife. 

This rationalisation is bizzare to me. 

And some say men and women are equal pfffft.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Anon, If you were my wife I bet you would not party as much as you do. You would not want to.
> 
> But I digress.


Are you kidding! Married to the dark knight! That would be awesome!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Men and women are not the same. Men do not get pulled into a van, raped and thrown into the field. Women do.
> 
> Men do not get preyed upon like women do.
> 
> ...


Holy melodrama, Batman!

Shouldn't we ask just where and who she is drinking with before we unnecessarily fan fears of her lying raped and unconscious in a ditch?

Is she, for example, hanging out with college frat boys or at the biker clubhouse? If so, then maybe you have a case.

But a goodly number of us are quite capable of having some drinks and saying no. Indeed, you may be surprised to hear that, a goodly number of us aren't even remotely interested in other men, even when we are drunk *and* they are trying to hit on us.

And those who don't listen to the no aren't going to listen whether we are drunk or sober. Trust me. I know about this stuff.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Not jealousy... how about embarrassment? Your wife and you go to a bar with her family and she gets pretty hammered? Was the entire family drunk or just her?

it would seem to me that at home with just the two of you... no embarrassment. But in public? Out with friends? At a friends house so drunk she needs to sleep over? Maybe.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I left getting drunk the same place I left having casual sex... In my twenties. The two just fit so nicely together. If you don't like your wife getting drunk then you may want to talk to her about the drinking you guys do.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Oh gawd.
> 
> If a woman is passed out she's not having sex she's being raped.
> 
> ...


Men and women are equal. They are not the same. 

A child being molested is the molesters fault. Me allowing the circimstance is on me.

A woman getting passed out drunk has put herself needlessly at risk. Hey I would be glad to pull the trigger on the rapist.

So sorry, no ladies, you are being irresponsible if you put yourself at risk. It does not make it fair or right. We do not live in that world. We live in a predatory world. Deal with it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Not jealousy... how about embarrassment? Your wife and you go to a bar with her family and she gets pretty hammered? Was the entire family drunk or just her?
> 
> it would seem to me that at home with just the two of you... no embarrassment. But in public? Out with friends? At a friends house so drunk she needs to sleep over? Maybe.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is not jealousy unless she is being inappropriate with someone. 

It is extremely embarrassing. I agree. 

But again this thread was started for its potential controversy.

So what does she do when she is NOT with the hubby? This is her on good behavior.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Holy melodrama, Batman!
> 
> Shouldn't we ask just where and who she is drinking with before we unnecessarily fan fears of her lying raped and unconscious in a ditch?
> 
> ...


I am talking about a woman making herself so drunk ( hammered ) that she has given up the ability to say no.

Trust me, men of all walks of life are capable of taking advanatage of any woman. Why would a woman trust any man not her hsuband or not her immediate male relative? 

This has NOTHING to do with her interest in other men. It has everything to do with her having self respect and protecting herself and her marriage. A woman should not want to be groped by these men and for sure not raped. How about the pictures we see of hammerred women posted on the internet? Sorry this should be a woman's concern but if she does not have any self respect she should respect her husband.

If you are passed out, you do not about any of this. I have seen way too much of this stuff. Enough that it would be a dealbreaher and enough that I purposely did not marry a party girl. I respect my wife and will will be damned if I am ok with her being disrespected.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> Entropy, this is victim blaming horsecrap and a blatant perpetuation of rape culture.
> 
> How about we make a concentrated effort to stop *rapists from raping* and give men the benefit of the doubt that they have the intellectual capacity to learn to not rape women who are so drunk that they cannot give consent? How about instead of throwing our hands up, we actually hold rapists totally accountable for their heinous actions without any qualifiers at all, including dress, inebriation and previous sexual experience?
> 
> ...



OMG BRAVO!

Nailed IT!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I recommend AA.

It can do wonders for you and your wife.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I think Entropy has brought up some good points. Ultimately, we safeguard that which is important to us. It's why most of us lock our car doors, keep valuables hidden, etc.

It's logical to say that we should try to safeguard ourselves as well.

I taught my daughters not to go out alone. If they ARE drinking, they should have one or two sober friends to watch out for the group, ensure they all stay together and that no one leaves with a guy EVER. If you're really interested, get a number and call later. 

Unfortunately, there are men who are predatory (regardless of any upbringing) and watch for the weakest target they can find. 

Fortune favors the prepared. I want to be the one prepared to say - no way, man!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

LOL FF - I like that one! 

I just didn't want to let them out in to the wide world without knowing there ARE jerks who will look for the drunk girl and take advantage. 

For me, I cannot drink more than 2 drinks and remain responsible. Two drinks turns in to 12 and then all judgment goes out the window. I would likely put myself in to some bad situations which is why I LOVE being out with Hub. I know that I can always rely on him to ensure I'm safe. 

As much as I probably paw at him, he won't even have sex with me if I'm THAT intoxicated. He gives me hope that we'll be able to raise our son with that same level of chivalry.

ETA - that's part of why I'd say it's not unreasonable to be nervous about a wife out drunk on her own. Judgment is impaired, reflexes are impaired. It's just not a smart idea without reliable and trustworthy people to watch out for her.


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