# When is it OK to play?



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

My question is when is it acceptable to begin to see other women? I am legally separated, and my wife has stated no desire to reconcile. Should I wait until I am officially divorced, or is just being served with papers and a friggin bogus TRO by my wife sufficient to "cut me loose". 

I just want to get on living my life. I am not looking for any sort of serious relationship, but I am not adverse to being temporarily distracted. I am interacting openly with women now, and I have found that they are responding very favorably. I have had two situations escalate into opportunities to "hook up" but I just walked away. 

The last was yesterday evening when I stopped by a store after Jujitsu practice, and a young 20 something repeatedly asked me to be her "personal trainer" and "go party". I told her I just needed to shower, and she said that worked too. It's nice to know I still have it, but when should I use it? 

LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why in Gods name would you wait for all the divorce proceedings to finish? 

You have given your wife YEARS and YEARS to solve this problem - why would you give her MORE months of celibacy? 

Once the divorce begins and the other party is NOT even trying to fix things - all bets are off. 




lastinline said:


> My question is when is it acceptable to begin to see other women? I am legally separated, and my wife has stated no desire to reconcile. Should I wait until I am officially divorced, or is just being served with papers and a friggin bogus TRO by my wife sufficient to "cut me loose".
> 
> I just want to get on living my life. I am not looking for any sort of serious relationship, but I am not adverse to being temporarily distracted. I am interacting openly with women now, and I have found that they are responding very favorably. I have had two situations escalate into opportunities to "hook up" but I just walked away.
> 
> ...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

LIL, listen to MEM. And listen to yourself. At this point in your journey, I'd say it is up to you. Don't overlook opportunity. Be a personal trainer for a night if that is what you want.

I think you've earned whatever you want at this point.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Well at the risk of being "stodgy" I'll point out some, imo, obvious reasons for NOT wanting to be a personal trainer for a night. 

1. Do you have any true idea what motivated this 20 something woman into inviting you into this situation? You can assume it's your sexual attraction or whatever but that's not a "normal" action by a responsible and "safe" partner. I'd say there are some ulterior motives going on such as a sugar daddy syndrome. I'm sorry if that isn't very flattering but what can a person KNOW about you in the 10 minutes you talked to make them ready for such risky intimacy? You're a doctor, you're attractive, you have money .... ???

2. Any sane woman, imo, that you "may" want to have a relationship with later will be concerned about your "playing" in the interim and honestly, imo, the std testing and disclosure you and they would need to go through would be beyond most women's willingness to overcome and become interested in you at a later date. (Now maybe I'm just completely out of date here on what is "normal" behavior these days)

I understand that you're ready to move on and aren't interested in a permanent solution at this point; however, I would assume that the time will come when you WILL be interested in something more permanent. 

Taking time to get to know someone first seems like a reasonable process imo. Hopping into bed because it's available seems risky at best. Waiting until divorce is final is a personal choice.

So my thoughts are think it through, decide how YOU want to proceed and then live with your decision.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Good thing you're not here because the girls will be throwing themselves at ya LIL! LOL! 

Well I think it all depends on how you feel inside, maybe when you're ready you will feel it. Good luck!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'd wait until you are divorced. I guess I don't condone adultery and until your marriage ends, that's what you are doing. 

You need to emotionally and legally separated before you go out and "play". Just my .02.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> Well at the risk of being "stodgy" I'll point out some, imo, obvious reasons for NOT wanting to be a personal trainer for a night.
> 
> 1. Do you have any true idea what motivated this 20 something woman into inviting you into this situation? You can assume it's your sexual attraction or whatever but that's not a "normal" action by a responsible and "safe" partner. I'd say there are some ulterior motives going on such as a sugar daddy syndrome. I'm sorry if that isn't very flattering but what can a person KNOW about you in the 10 minutes you talked to make them ready for such risky intimacy? You're a doctor, you're attractive, you have money .... ???
> 
> ...


Hmmm, I have a pretty good idea as to what caught her attention, and it wasn't any initials before my name. I may be 40, but I look like I'm maybe 30. I think she was just flirting really hard. She definitely wouldn't have been able to guess my profession at all based upon how I was dressed at the time, unless a ultra clingy Body Armor shirt somehow screams Dr.to you.

To be honest, I think it was just purely a physical/pheromone response on her level. I was in that post-sweaty phase following practice, where you are no longer damp, but you've still got that great musle pump going on. My wife was always responsive in the mornings when I'd get back from the gym. The basic reality of the situation is that a Body Armor shirt on a fit male is pretty much the equivalent of a thong on a fit female. 

Don't loose any sleep worrying about me though. I don't think I am able to actually sleep around Lost. Despite having had multiple offers, I have only slept with one woman in my entire life. I have always been very particular about whom I'd share my body with, because I do feel that sex is a very special part of a relationship. I am not going to try to suddenly string together a harem just because Im' going through a divorce. It's just nice on some level to realize I could.

LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lots of my posts counsel wrapping up the mess you are in before making a new mess. I generally temper that advice based on the recipient.

For you? I say do it. Do it and see where it takes you. I got involved less than 2 months after I moved out. I got the validation that I still have it too. (She was a uechi ryu sensei btw)
What I came away with, was that I had more houekeeping to do. I waited another 7 months before venturing back into the wild. I think you NEED to do it. What I can assure you of, is that discovering what a new relationship can offer is reassuring, eye opening and no better means of diffusing simmering anger and resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks for the reply Deejo. I realize that I have a bit of housekeeping to do myself. It doesn't take a lot of gut wrenching self examination to figure that out.  Things are just odd, and my life is completely in play. 

I feel like I am a teenager again. All of the stability that I had gathered over the last 20 years is gone. I realize that the decisions I make now will completely effect the course and outcome of the second half of my life, so I am trying to tread lightly. I've learned that poor choices lead to pain.

I returned to church today for the first time in awhile. It was like coming home. I know what I am, and it's not an adulterer. My flesh may say something different from time to time, but I refuse to yield. 

Atholk told me in a personal mesage that this would be a rough time for me as I would be tempted to ride roughshod over my own values. He was right. He's almost always right, at least when his focus is outwards. 

My wife and I are definitetly done. At this point that's all I am certain about. Until I know more than that, I'll move slow. It's better to do nothing than the wrong thing.

LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

'Know thyself' is the goal.

I recognize that you are a person of faith. That rediscovery will likely carry far more benefits as you traverse the whitewater of dissolving your marriage.

To be clear, I'm not advocating going out and getting laid. The relationship I fostered shortly after my separation was far more about emotional support and relating to a woman other than my wife. 

You don't strike me as the type easily overtaken by the fog of rose colored glasses or notions of the grass is greener elsewhere. You present as a thoughtful, measured individual.

I guess my point is, if you find yourself consistently wondering what dating might be like - than you should go on a date. I think you would take a lot away from the experience - one way or the other.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

lastinline...thanks for the encouragement. 

It is hard being separated, and having to weigh the current situation with your personal values. Even though being married to someone who doesn't know how to love is impossible...I wasn't quite prepared for how lonely I would feel by myself. It is good to hear someone else is walking the same road, trying to follow God's voice through this crazy, painful journey. Keep your eyes on Him...He loves you more than any woman would.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

larniegrl said:


> lastinline...thanks for the encouragement.
> 
> It is hard being separated, and having to weigh the current situation with your personal values. Even though being married to someone who doesn't know how to love is impossible...I wasn't quite prepared for how lonely I would feel by myself. It is good to hear someone else is walking the same road, trying to follow God's voice through this crazy, painful journey. Keep your eyes on Him...He loves you more than any woman would.


Likewise larniegrl, thank you for your edification and support. The hardest thing is trying to reconcile a failed marriage with my personal expectations for myself as a Christian. Well, I guess it's all the proof I'll ever need that I'm terribly flawed.

* I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. ~Joseph Baretti,*


Well said as always Deejo*,"know thyself"... *and to thyself be true. Much easier said than done, but sage advice nonetheless.

LIL


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