# Struggling HD Wife



## KissKiss (May 14, 2012)

I don't really know where to start so I'll just give details from our relationship and go from there.
My husband and I have been together for three years and married for just under one year. We have no children and only rent our home.
We're both in our 20's and both very fit and healthy.

I have a very high sex drive and the constant rejection from my husband is exhausting and heartbreaking. If I try to touch his penis in bed, he'll push my hand away. If I ask if he would like a blow-job he will turn it down. He doesn't like kissing and he doesn't like cuddling.

We have had numerous arguments about the issue and he has come to the conclusion that he doesn't like sex, he said that he could go his whole life without it again, unless it was to make a baby.
And this has shattered my dream of continuing married life with him. I don't know what to do, my Love Language is Touch and I could not cope without sex or being touched for the rest of my life. 
I don't want to leave him because he is my best friend and I love his family so much. He has amazing parents who care still together and I don't want to lose them.

Please help me, I don't know what to do!


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I'm sorry. Was he always like this? Is he willing to explore/explain why he feels the way he does about sex? Is it possible that he has low testosterone or was a victim of sexual abuse? His attitude toward sex isn't normal. I would not have children with him until this was resolved.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Do you know what HIS love language is? This could be a factor as well...


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Two thoughts come to mind. One is that you're too easy. The other is that I'm wondering if you have self esteem issues. I don't just say this based on this thread.

The two issues combine to the one question, don't you think you deserve someone that can be your best friend and appreciate you sexually?

A piece of advice I got from a book I've recommended often is that if you want a good chance of getting what you ask for, then your approach is that you state what you want, and you offer your spouse to join in.

I suppose that's hard to do if you want come in your mouth, but if you want a clitoral or vaginal orgasm, you can get it with or without him. If you don't already have them, get the appropriate toys.


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## KissKiss (May 14, 2012)

He hasn't always been like this, he used to want sex twice a day for the first 2 years of our relationship and over the last 18 months or so it's turned into this. 
He hasn't been through any abuse, we've talked about it in-depth as I was raped by my last partner.
I've had counselling and he has been with me through it all. 

His love language is Words of Affirmation and he'd told me that my words to make him feel loved and wanted.

I guess I am making myself easy, but I've tried everything else to try to make him want me. I don't have low self-esteem and it's not about having orgasms. I want to be touched and wanted not treated as though I'm a flatmate.

Thank you very much for your input into this.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Does he realize that your love language is physical touch? IF so... perhaps mc and possibly IC for the two of you? It sounds like he has some issues that's preventing him from becoming intimate with you.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

k well it's not like that's a very long timeline. When does the counseling fit into the timeline?

Here's an insight I had into myself recently. I think my primary love language is touch, and since our recent reconciliation she's been much more touchy with me - holding hands, letting her bare skin of her legs touch mine during movies, hugging, holding and so forth. It's been great. 

Sex lagged, and it's picking up now that I'm figuring out how to last longer - but I think I realized my desire for sex might actually have more to do with my second love language of affirmation, not touch. 

I feel affirmed by the fact I'm able to please my wife sexually.

But that's me as a man, we're talking about you as a woman.

I dunno, see for my part I think what's making me feel good these days about progressing through re-growing our sexuality after our reconciliation - it feels good to have overcome our loss of intimacy. Maybe he needs that feeling of pursuing you and conquering you.

In another thread of a HD wife asking what to do I suggested tieing the man down and make him feel like he's missing out...

Okay, another idea. One of the things my wife has enjoyed is my increasing durability. She loves it when I give her a pounding. I like hearing that I'm doing it for her. So an enticing way of communicating this kind of affirmation is to say that you like it when he does something you like. Maybe that would be more effective than touching your mouth to his member. (as much as I'd enjoy that myself from my wife)


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

KissKiss said:


> He hasn't always been like this, he used to want sex twice a day for the first 2 years of our relationship and over the last 18 months or so it's turned into this.
> He hasn't been through any abuse, we've talked about it in-depth as I was raped by my last partner.
> I've had counselling and he has been with me through it all.
> 
> ...


You need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want sex now. Is he working harder? Does he have new friends? What's changed in the last 18 months? Frankly if he's in his early 20's he should still be trying to bang knotholes in trees. You sound like a young man's dream to me, just so you know.


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## KissKiss (May 14, 2012)

WillK: That does make sense, my second LL is affirmation too. So maybe there is something there that I'm missing from him. 
I've tried doing everything I can think of that a man would want, but nothing.

Sandc: The only thing that has changed is us getting married. And we're not in debt from that or anything like that. I was talking to my male best friend about us and he said the same thing, that there are so many men who would love to have me as a wife. 

Gaia: He does know, we took the test together. I would really love to go to counselling together, but he doesn't see that we have a problem. I'd hate to think that there is something in his past that he hasn't told me. I'll talk to him when he comes home from work tonight about this.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

Hey KissKiss,

As a marriage counselor for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO I have seen a lot of couples with sexual problems almost identical to what you're describing. For whatever reason something has changed. And it doesn't seem like he's open to explore it with you. There's not a lot that can be done if he's not willing to talk to you about it. It takes two to tango, right? If he's not willing to talk to you about why he's unwilling to tango then you're verbally masturbating trying to talk to him. 

If he's not open to counseling or talking to you about it, there's other ways that are less intrusive that he can explore on his own without the potential embarassment of talking to someone else about it. There's a really great book by a leading expert in the field whose name is David Snarch. His book is called Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in your Relationship. It's a great book, easy to read and has entertaining stories that make it go pretty quickly. It addresses all sorts of issues and the best part about it is that it's a book. In other words, he can explore his difficulties in perfect privacy with himself. 

This is just one idea. Hope it helps.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

K. You say you've tried everything, I don't have a list and usually someone that says they've tried everything hasn't tried everything - or else in 18 months if you've tried everything, maybe you tried what is going to work and didn't give it long enough to work.

How did you get him to start having sex when you first met?

Have you tried wearing his least favorite non-revealing boring t-shirt and completely covering everything up pajamas (if you read the pajamas thread, maybe even "amish" pajamas?) Point being - wear something he dislikes so much he'll want to take it off...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is this your first marriage? Was he raised in a religious family? Have you tried the 180 and turning down the thermostat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay one I would get him into counselling immediately. It could be he was molested as a child. Sex is deeply ingrained into our psyche. In order for him to not want sex something must have happened. I would contact a psychologist and see what they have to say. But you are right it is not normal. He is completely turning down affection. And no life long masturbation is not going to solve anything. Actually it will just make you more frustrated since you will want this from the man that is supposed to be giving it to you. 
Get him and you help NOW or you will most likely end up in a Physical Affair later or getting a Divorce later. I don't get it though did you both not have sex before marriage?


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

So far out of my realm of understanding that I will never be able to add to these discussions.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

You are in your 20's and have no kids. He is a physically healthy and could go the rest of his life without sex! You got married and sex stopped. Get out now! Unless something really tramatic happened and you don't know about it. Get out! Save yourself from a years of pain! This situation will only kill you inside. There is nothing you can do and he does not want to help himself. GET OUT NOW!!!


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> So far out of my realm of understanding that I will never be able to add to these discussions.


Amen brother.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

For people with no kids, no house, young... You should get a divorce.
With alot of work and alot of luck, you could get things to be marginally better with your current husband. It's hard to find a man who does not want alot of sex, so your chances for marital fulfillment are far higher by finding someone new.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I agree that unless he makes an effort to help you resolve the issue then divorce is probably the best option lest you find yourself one day in the same situation as the wife of 30 years in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/48469-how-much-detail.html#post818230*.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with TheMarriageandFamilyClinic. If he will not get help for himself. Intimacy & Desire is a great book and an easy read. You should both read it. We found it very helpful. What can you lose, how much worse can it get.

Good luck.


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## KissKiss (May 14, 2012)

This is the first marriage for both of us, as I'm only 23 and he's 27. 

We started having sex from the start of our relationship, we started living together straight away, this was because we were best friends and I needed protecting from my ex (with whom I was in an abusive relationship with.) We would have sex twice daily for the first 9 months of our relationship then it dwindled down to once daily to once weekly to now once every few weeks. 

I am so certain that he was not molested as a child or had any sort of sexual violence towards him. But I could be wrong. 
In the discussions we have had around the lack of sex he says that he just doesn't see sex an important and the he doesn't feel like it.

As far as turning the thermostat down, I have done so and got no results. He seemed even more distant.
And I have tried sleeping naked, fancy lingerie, wearing his clothes.

I will get Intimacy and Desire and read that and give it to him to read too, I hope it will help.

Thank you all for your help.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like he's getting it elsewhere.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

What's his diet like? Does he exercise? My H is 4 years older then me as well and his drive isn't as high as mine so I get where your coming from however.. you should try to understand where he is coming from as well and figure out what's going on. You probably exhausted him with the amount of sex you crave.. doesn't mean he is getting it elsewhere.. could just mean he's plain out tired. Have you tried communicating with him? Figuring out what may be causing the decrease? Depression, stress, ect could all be factors in this.. as well as medication if he takes any.


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