# My W said that the only reason I have not had an A is because I never had the chance



## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat! 

I did not even contemplate cheating but she told me that neither did she but an opportunity presented it to herself and she made an error in judgment. She said that I could have easily made that error as well.

I realize she is blameshifting but perhaps there is some truth to it. I never did get propositioned or anything. I don't know what to think but I guess what is done is done.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

This is incredibly disrespectful. 

She has no respect for you at all and your sex rank(at least in her eyes) is so low that thinks you couldn't get another woman if you tried. 

You gotta man up and put her in her place, or its only going to get worse.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My H once said that I was too "morally hung up" to cheat. So my simple response was " So you don't mind if I go fishing for something new then? Is that what you are saying?" He backtracked pretty quick after that. 

In a weak attempt to soothe her own ego, she is trying to tear you down. You are better than that, do not stand for it.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes.


Now, that is called making an excuse for your actions. 

And by that logic, I am going to expand on it to say "Someone in this marriage is going to cheat some time or another. Might as well be me." 

Hell, using that logic, I could probably justify almost anything. And probably horrible heinous acts that have been committed in history. 


Your wife is lucky I wasn't in your shoes...

Here is what you need to do. Not because I am telling you to, but because it sounds like your wife has about 0 respect for you. And until you get that respect back, she will just reconcile to keep you around, so she can go out and cheat in 5 years down the line, but keep the security of marriage. 

Anyway, you should go up and tell her:
You are giving her a second chance, THAT SHE, THE WAYWARD SPOUSE, THE OFFENDING PARTY, DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE. And she tries to justify her actions, by saying you were never in the same position. 
Tell her she can either admit she was wrong, say she was sorry, and promise to work on this relationship, or you need to call a divorce lawyer yesterday. 

Then you need TO MAKE HER LIVE UP TO HER ACTIONS! 
And that means, being perfect. That means: sex whenever YOU want it, cooking what YOU want, not going out on girls-nights-out because those are just a bad idea, dropping friends that YOU don't deem desirable. 
Plus she should have already sent a NC letter to the OM, informed his girlfriend, wife, SO, and you SHOULD have access to her facebook, her email, her phone, anything and everything you want. 

If she says that is controlling then DIVORCE just became needed. She should be more than willing to give you anything and everything to prove she won't do it again! Not try to justify her actions. 

Because unless YOU TAKE A STAND and knock her off her pedestal, and bring her down to earth with an impact, here is what will happen:
As you two reconcile, she will take a stance to paint you in a bad light to everyone that gets involved
And it will soon become what YOU DID that drove your wife into another man's arms. 

GET CONTROL OF YOUR WIFE BEFORE SHE TAKES CONTROL OF YOU!


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

Juicer,

I have seen some of your posts but have never been able to read your story/thread. I believe it is private right? 

What is your experience? How long did your wife have an affair/cheat? And are you reconciling?

I will take your advice and implement it to the best of my abilities. Thanks.


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

Reading more stories on here, I realize that I may be a nice guy and I will work on ending that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!
> 
> I did not even contemplate cheating but she told me that neither did she but an opportunity presented it to herself and she made an error in judgment. She said that I could have easily made that error as well.
> 
> I realize she is blameshifting but perhaps there is some truth to it. I never did get propositioned or anything. I don't know what to think but I guess what is done is done.


I do not know your situation but just from this post I see that your wife cheated on you and basically says you have no value to any other woman.

Cut her out of your life. If there are children you can still be their father but you do not have to put up with a such a woman.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!
> 
> I did not even contemplate cheating but she told me that neither did she but an opportunity presented it to herself and she made an error in judgment. She said that I could have easily made that error as well.
> 
> I realize she is blameshifting but perhaps there is some truth to it. I never did get propositioned or anything. I don't know what to think but I guess what is done is done.


Perhaps you were never propositioned or hit on because you had strong boundaries in place. 

I see good looking married men who make no eye contact with stray females and seem to have their "shields up" when it comes to flirty women. 

Perhaps you were that type.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

wow that was blamshifting as well as the most disrepectful thing she could have said.

You really need to be tough on her and I hate to say it you can be to nice to your wife. I would have never thought that until I was walked on by my wife.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

My cheating ex told me I was too 'nice'. 

(Trust me - that wasn't a compliment.)

If I were you, I would leave her in a heartbeat because when the opportunity presents itself again she's going to cheat. She pretty much told you so.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

I think you misinterpreted what she was trying to say.

I think she was saying we are all to some extent, subject to making bad decisions that we ultimately regret and she regrets her own actions and is trying to get you to understand that she's only human and humans are fallible and to try to forgive her for it.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

donders said:


> I think you misinterpreted what she was trying to say.
> 
> I think she was saying we are all to some extent, subject to making bad decisions that we ultimately regret and she regrets her own actions and is trying to get you to understand that she's only human and humans are fallible and to try to forgive her for it.


If that is the case, she did a piss poor job of conveying exactly that.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!
> 
> I did not even contemplate cheating but she told me that neither did she but an opportunity presented it to herself and she made an error in judgment. She said that I could have easily made that error as well.
> 
> I realize she is blameshifting but perhaps there is some truth to it. I never did get propositioned or anything. I don't know what to think but I guess what is done is done.


What she said was incredibly disrespectful and devoid of remorse for what she done. Cheating is a choice. A bad choice that she made. One with high morals doesn't go around looking for pitiful creatures like an animal on the prowl.

I, myself, would leave her for this. Because her uttering this would have set my own R back to the very beginning.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!
> 
> I did not even contemplate cheating but she told me that neither did she but an opportunity presented it to herself and she made an error in judgment. She said that I could have easily made that error as well.
> 
> I realize she is blameshifting but perhaps there is some truth to it. I never did get propositioned or anything. I don't know what to think but I guess what is done is done.


So, you could not attract women, but you attracted her? What is she saying about herself?

does your wife often make truthful statements that are very wounding, yet are not made with any attempt to wound?

Does she have other quirks that sometimes make you go :wtf:

Answer this questionnaire on behalf of your wife. But do it with 100 percent honesty http://www.aspergerstestsite.com/75/autism-spectrum-quotient-aq-test/#.UE_M8a6Cmt8


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!
> 
> I did not even contemplate cheating but she told me that neither did she but an opportunity presented it to herself and she made an error in judgment. She said that I could have easily made that error as well.
> 
> I realize she is blameshifting but perhaps there is some truth to it. I never did get propositioned or anything. I don't know what to think but I guess what is done is done.



She doesn't respect you. Not saying that as a "slight" on you or her, or that she said it with the intent to wound you, but facts are facts, she does not respect you. She does not think you're capable of doing better. She does not think you could get another woman. As such, she is taking you for granted. And you being a "nice guy" on top of it is making it worse, and likely the cause.

Until that mindset changes in her, and she considers herself LUCKY to have you, you're in for a world of hurt (as she has shown you). 

I don't see it as blame shifting on her part. But she is trying to justify what she knows is wrong by insinuating "well YOU don't understand, because YOU don't get hit on. If YOU had the chance, surely you'd have done as I did". Bullchit.

Until you start acting and carrying yourself in ways that shows her you are a man to be respected, she'll not only not consider you worthy of her, she'll not consider you worthy of other women either. And when that happens, it is ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE.

Time to make her believe and know that you CAN do better. Right now the fact you don't believe that is making her believe it as well. 

It's not hard to do. Some simple steps:

1. Grooming...keep everything neat. Hair, body hair, nails. Keep clean all the time. Dress clean and sharp (even if you're in jeans and a t-shirt).

2. If you're not in decent shape, get in decent shape.

3. Smile at people and talk to them. Stop being shy. People don't respond to "shy". They respond to people who want to engage them and smile at them. And they respond to confidence (confidence, not ****iness...there's a difference).

4. Hobbies or activities outside of the house and away from the wife. At least have an outside interest or group of friends to hang with. If you're either working or always hanging with her, you're in trouble (generally). She should not think she's your "whole world". If she does, she thinks you have no options or are dependant upon her for happiness and security. Wrong move. Let her wonder every now and then what you're up to. You may just be out for poker night with the guys...but the thought may ever so slightly creep into her head "is he REALLY out at poker night?" That's a good thing.

5. Confidence. Get some. And other than being relatively fit, keeping groomed, and dressing decent, the way you look has not a freakin' thing to do with how a woman views a man's confidence. Women love confident guys. Women screw confident guys while their "nice guy" doormat husbands and boyfriends are at home wondering where the hell they're at.

6. Respect. Get it. Do not tolerate BS. That doesn't mean scream, yell, argue, throw things, or berate her. It does mean you're going to expect to be treated well, and if she does not do so, you start "pulling back". Do not kiss he azz in hopes she will treat you nicer. Not only does it not work, it is a respect killer. Don't listen to some of the women on this, as many say they want a "nice guy", but what they really want is the "bad boy" with some changes. Like he won't hit her. He won't cheat on her. He won't act like an obnoxious azz. He won't belittle her. They want the "bad boy" because of the bad boy confidence, NOT because he does those other things. Be the "good guy". A good guy has some nice guy tendencies, but will stand up for himself and has confidence, and will not tolerate the woman in his life treating him like a doormat. You can be "nice" and still show her you're ready, willing, and able to "walk" if she takes you for granted and treats you badly. Like by cheating on you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She clearly doesn't respect you and your relationship. What a horrible thing to say to someone who you cheated one. You're a better person than me if you can forgive her after that. I could not.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh hell ya I got that... So, instead of fighting her or feeling ‘awful’ about myself. I got to work. Hit the gym. Bought nice clothes. Got a stylish haircut. Started going out with friends. Got my own bank account. Allowed myself to flirt (even with her present). And generally worked quite hard on my ‘attractive level’. Other women took note as did my wife. I allowed her to feel threatened and very insecure. I prayed on my wife’s insecurities; I can attract real women she fears most... ones she’s sure are better than her in a lot of ways. 

I made it quite clear I wasn’t with her because ‘no woman would want me and I was stuck with what she had to offer’. I didn’t have to “settle” with her. I might even be better off without her... But I was with her by choice alone. I allowed her to see and feel without a doubt I had options. She’d better be able to raise the bar well above the standard she’d set for herself or she’d be one settling for ex-con losers like her OM while I would be trading up. It shifted the dynamic from her seeing herself as the prize to her seeing herself as the underdog in this competition.

Sort of sucks that I had to continue to reassure her that for some damn reason I can’t even fathom, I still valued her. However “as she was” on DD I found unacceptable to continue forward with. She isn’t ENTITLED to my love and desire like I have no choice because she’s ‘so awesome’. She had a lot of work to do as she was pond scum.... and she started stepping up to the task to get out of the muck.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!


How silly. First off, MOST (not all) women expect to BE propositioned.

Second, most women actually respect that little bit of jewelry on your left hand.

Third, I spent most of my high school years NOT understanding that girls were hitting on me (not all the time but when they were...unless they were TOTALLY blatant) The fact that you missed the occasionally signal is not crippling.

Fourth, you might have let yourself go a little because *you were married.* Your wife seems to think that is a permanent change in status.

Cure her of this delusion.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

TroubledSexLife said:


> During my attempts to reconcile, my wife blatantly pointed out that I should not be overly critical of her affair because I had never been in her shoes. She was my first and only partner and I have never really attracted many ladies. As a result, throughout our marriage and courtship, I have never been hit on or attracted females. I never even had the opportunity to cheat!


The truth is that very few men get actively hit on in the same way that women do. Normally a man would have to actually try quite hard to find a willing woman in order to have an affair with. She is being cruel and disrespectful.

If she wants to talk about being unattractive explain to her how unattractive her cruelty is.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

well, that comment is enough to send a positive male to the next level. ANY partner that has been cheated on has the right to question and critisise the other over the affair. You are NOT the party that broke the marridge vows and yes you may be to nice for your own good here. Time to turn the attirude on and start to she her that you are the male inn the relationship not her and yes she may think you cant attract females but as stated earlier you attracted her - remind her of that continually. There are some guys that when they see females who make the eye contact, open the friendly approach etc put up a barrier. These are the stable guys that many women wish they had rather than someone who sees a female smile and is on the scent of that woman immeadiately.


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