# Update : Trying to move on but triggers STILL getting in the way , what to do ?



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Update on the situation with my husband and I whom I caught messaging a woman on social media AND following tons of random women who only have sexy photos and then telling me he doesn’t know why he did it — after lots of arguing and tons of fights over this episode , we are surprisingly trying to mend what is a trashed marriage or 20 plus years .
We’ve been doing well , he’s actually made progress being more attentive and into fixing our broken relationship. It’s been good. 
however from time to time I still get triggered by little things reminding me of his betrayal — and I loose it and go over arguments again . I don’t want to feel like this but it comes out of nowhere and BAM ! I’m angry and frustrated and back to giving him the third degree.
He thinks I can’t just let go of it — and yes I agree . I feel angry and bitter he did that to me and frankly I don’t know what it would take to let go of it and move on fully.
Wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to how to get over this feeling ? I want to move past it all , but I can’t seem to let go of the anger I feel .


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

When you've been traumatized, it never really ends.
It's been forty years since my childhood and my traumatizations still come. 
I will get triggered by random memories that don't always make sense to me, but I am still triggered. 

The only thing I can suggest, when you are triggered, is to go and have a good cry until it ends. Then pick yourself up and carry on like nothing has happened.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's very very early days. I suspect it will be many years before you can be at peace about it but in my experience forgiving helps a lot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Savannah01 It's really up to your husband to do the heavy lifting. He broke it, he fixes it.

I presume that counselling and therapy is happening? If not, I'd suggest counselling as a couple and as individuals and therapy, especially for you. A good therapist can teach techniques to help you get past what your husband did.

I would suggest that you consider a polygraph for him to establish if anything physical happened between him and other women.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Savannah01 It's really up to your husband to do the heavy lifting. He broke it, he fixes it.
> 
> I presume that counselling and therapy is happening? If not, I'd suggest counselling as a couple and as individuals and therapy, especially for you. A good therapist can teach techniques to help you get past what your husband did.
> 
> I would suggest that you consider a polygraph for him to establish if anything physical happened between him and other women.





Diana7 said:


> It's very very early days. I suspect it will be many years before you can be at peace about it but in my experience forgiving helps a lot.


yes I’ve mentioned this to him that it’s very early on and that I can’t just turn off the way I feel just like that — it’s very difficult to move past the hurt when you have anger as well. Forgiving is not there for me , I don’t know why but I still can’t . I know that should happen but I’m just so bitter, angry and unable to get past the hurt. Yes I want to fix this and move on but every time I think of it all I go right back to the day I discovered it all… I don’t know how to a big enough person to let it go and not consume me


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> When you've been traumatized, it never really ends.
> It's been forty years since my childhood and my traumatizations still come.
> I will get triggered by random memories that don't always make sense to me, but I am still triggered.
> 
> The only thing I can suggest, when you are triggered, is to go and have a good cry until it ends. Then pick yourself up and carry on like nothing has happened.


Yes often I do get a good cry, frustrated and angry. Sometimes I just don’t think he can grasp the pain I feel, at least not to the extent I really feel every single day


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> yes I’ve mentioned this to him that it’s very early on and that I can’t just turn off the way I feel just like that — it’s very difficult to move past the hurt when you have anger as well. Forgiving is not there for me , I don’t know why but I still can’t . I know that should happen but I’m just so bitter, angry and unable to get past the hurt. Yes I want to fix this and move on but every time I think of it all I go right back to the day I discovered it all… I don’t know how to a big enough person to let it go and not consume me


It will NEVER happen if you try to force it though. You cannot be pushed past this and choose to let go until you FEEL safe and trusting again. 

I agree with the counseling...even if he won't go, you need to talk to someone who can help you with ways to cope with your feelings when they come out of nowhere. Have you read any books about overcoming an affair or betrayal? Those might also give you ways to handle your feelings and give words to the mistrust and frustration that you are dealing with.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Is that what he claimed? He "doesn't know why" he did it? What a liar.

He knows exactly why he did it. He's a dog in heat, chasing skirts, getting cheap thrills from women he sexually desired. But he couldn't admit that to YOU, now could he? Of course not. So he claims he 'doesn't know what made him do it.' 😏 So maybe you'll waste hundreds and hundreds of dollars in insurance co-pays to some quack therapist who'll pull a reason for him being a sleazy horn-dog literally right out of their ass - and that reason will serve to remove any accountability off his shoulders for his crap behavior. The bullcrap reason will be attributed to something awful his parents or siblings did to him when he was growing up, something he did to himself to sadly ruin his self esteem, or some kind of bullying or mistreatment by anyone on God's green earth that caused him to act out like this.

But it will be *someone else's fault *- of THAT, you can be sure.

Save your money. No therapist is going to magically make sure he no longer has itchy genitals. AIN'T HAPPENING.

OP, if you think he's suddenly become a choir boy and has stopped his behavior, that would be incredibly naive of you. Most of them don't stop what they're doing when they're caught; they just get A LOT sneakier in the hopes of not getting caught....AGAIN. He's likely still doing it in a private window on his phone or he's using his computer or some other gadget (ipad, tablet etc.) or maybe he's doing it from work if he has access to computers, etc. Some of these guys even get burners phones because they're cheap and don't come with a paper trail for nosy spouses to find.



Savannah01 said:


> _*He thinks I can’t just let go of it — and yes I agree . I feel angry and bitter he did that to me and frankly I don’t know what it would take to let go of it and move on fully.
> Wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to how to get over this feeling ? I want to move past it all , but I can’t seem to let go of the anger I feel .*_


Spoken like the UNREMORSEFUL liar he is. Don't you see, OP? _*All*_ your problems right now are due to YOU not choosing to take a huge bite of that *****-sandwich* Mr. Wonderful served up to you and thinks you need to eat with a smile on your face. He's quite the catch you got there.

Not only did he LIE to you about why he was chasing women, but I'd also suspect he's been up to a A LOT more than just drooling on them over social media. Someone who acts like that is someone who is looking to take advantage of any opportunity that falls in his lap. He sounds like your typical dog in heat. I've met SO many of this type in my life. Yuck.

Your gut is screaming to you. I'm betting my right arm there's a *LOT *more that you don't know about and that you've only seen the TIP of the iceberg with this one.

You know what I would do? I'd be digging A LOT DEEPER because he's a LIAR.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> It will NEVER happen if you try to force it though. You cannot be pushed past this and choose to let go until you FEEL safe and trusting again.
> 
> I agree with the counseling...even if he won't go, you need to talk to someone who can help you with ways to cope with your feelings when they come out of nowhere. Have you read any books about overcoming an affair or betrayal? Those might also give you ways to handle your feelings and give words to the mistrust and frustration that you are dealing with.


Yes I am actually seeing a therapist myself , trying make sense of what I can do to cope. You’re right I don’t think I’d be open to letting this go until I feel secure in this relationship and right now I’m not there yet. Yes he is making efforts but I’m still looking at him with one eye to the side , making sure I’m not being fooled again. The lost trust is what gets me , I’m having a tough finding that trust I used to have for him


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is that what he claimed? He "doesn't know why" he did it? What a liar.
> 
> He knows exactly why he did it. He's a dog in heat, chasing skirts, getting cheap thrills from women he sexually desired. But he couldn't admit that to YOU, now could he? Of course not. So he claims he 'doesn't know what made him do it.' 😏 So maybe you'll waste hundreds and hundreds of dollars in insurance co-pays to some quack therapist who'll pull a reason for him being a sleazy horn-dog literally right out of their ass - and that reason will serve to remove any accountability off his shoulders for his crap behavior. The bullcrap reason will be attributed to something awful his parents or siblings did to him when he was growing up, something he did to himself to sadly ruin his self esteem, or some kind of bullying or mistreatment by anyone on God's green earth that caused him to act out like this.
> 
> ...


Yes I absolutely think he’s not telling me the entirety of it . Telling me he didn’t know why he likes these womens bikini photos .. as if he was somehow possessed to click on it — yes all his his I dunno why response are al total bull crap ! 
he got caught red handed and so he just couldn’t have a good enough reason to answer me why he was randomly following over 100 women who’s profiles are nothing but bikini thirst trap shots . What a man his age is doing following Women half his age when HE is a married man ! 
Oh trust me I’ve screamed my head off trying to make sense of this. At this point after much discussion , we’ve agreed , or rather he’s agreed to change — he’s at least not in his damn cell phone in front of my face like he use to glued to social media . No wonder he was always on it ! 
mad of now we are trying to one day at a time cope with this — I can’t promise an easy fix because I myself am having troublewith triggers and reminders of what he did . 
the trust I had and the betrayal I felt still is there— yes I want to try to fix this but I can’t even get to the point of forgiveness. I know that sounds ridiculous, how can I try without forgiveness? I’m willing to work on the relationship, but as of today I am still not able to let goof my hate and anger ..
I don’t know if this will ever truly work , we have good days and when my trigger hits , I’m either crying or angry , I feel crazy but I’ve since decided I’m not going to let his bull crap dictate my life . I’m not gonna dwell on this , if things work they do if not then it doesn’t . 
life is far too short to spend in such an angry state of mind — I’m ruining my peace of mind , my health and my sanity for what ? A man who can’t even be honest .
So I am doing what I can do — seeing what he is promising and if he is following up , but truly if it’s more work than not maybe it just isn’t worth the pain any longer


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I am actually seeing a therapist myself , trying make sense of what I can do to cope. You’re right I don’t think I’d be open to letting this go until I feel secure in this relationship and right now I’m not there yet. Yes he is making efforts but I’m still looking at him with one eye to the side , making sure I’m not being fooled again. The lost trust is what gets me , I’m having a tough finding that trust I used to have for him


My ex has EAs before the PA I divorced him over, the first two were about 9 years apart. Although I eventually stopped triggering and forgave him, I never trusted him again. 

There's no guarantee sorry. Once trust is gone, it's never the same after. It's like trying to unbake a cookie.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Do you think you're being triggered and having a difficult time forgiving him because - on some level, at least - you don't think he's doing enough? Is he really stepping up to the plate or is he tossing crumbs your way? Do you feel you're investing more energy in hoping for change rather than seeing genuine remorse and regret from him?

I dunno ... It just sounds to me like he's kinda half-assing it and you're hanging onto that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Loss of trust is part of the price you pay for reconciling. Do NOT ever trust him the way you once did — that really would be asking for trouble. All of this takes years — not months — to recover from. You both have a long way to go.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I am actually seeing a therapist myself , trying make sense of what I can do to cope. You’re right I don’t think I’d be open to letting this go until I feel secure in this relationship and right now I’m not there yet. Yes he is making efforts but I’m still looking at him with one eye to the side , making sure I’m not being fooled again. The lost trust is what gets me , I’m having a tough finding that trust I used to have for him


I think you should read some books as well, I know there are several about affairs that have been helpful for other members in your situation, to guide you on how to work through the betrayal (and even if you should). They may help you determine what things you need from your husband to trust again, and ideas on how to cope.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> When you've been traumatized, it never really ends.


Sadly, this is correct OP. With time, it lessens, but it never goes completely away.

I've been divorced from my first husband for about 16 years and I'm on my 3rd marriage now, since 2019, and I still get triggered. I'm in my mid-50's now and I know this will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Loss of trust is part of the price you pay for reconciling. Do NOT ever trust him the way you once did — that really would be asking for trouble. All of this takes years — not months — to recover from. You both have a long way to go.


Yes absolutely … my “trust “ is just to give in to Trying to Fix the relationship. Most definitely I am not giving full trust as I have before, that’s what I did all these years and at the end it was all a joke and I was the last to know that I was the blunt of that joke. 
I don’t rightfully know if he will ever really mean what he said about changing this relationship At this point I am feeling out what’s left to fix I don’t know where it’s going to go I’m giving it a chance for the sake of giving it a chance but I definitely am not 100% trusting him ever again


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Sadly, this is correct OP. With time, it lessens, but it never goes completely away.
> 
> I've been divorced from my first husband for about 16 years and I'm on my 3rd marriage now, since 2019, and I still get triggered. I'm in my mid-50's now and I know this will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.


He asked me when will I ever stop being triggered because I keep bouncing back and forth with fixing our relationship one minute and being triggered the next — I told him this is how it is when someone is betrayed — I didn’t ask for this , does he think I wanna to be angry and suspicious the rest of my life ? But here I am .
I think a lot of the offenders don’t understand that healing from this takes time and takes a lot of help from the betrayer to make this work . 
they don’t get that this follows us whether we like it or not and I don’t know what it will take to go away but it’s not as easy as asking me to let it go and move on


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn’t realize it could take years to rebuild. For him, it’s over and done with and it’s time to move on.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think you're being triggered and having a difficult time forgiving him because - on some level, at least - you don't think he's doing enough? Is he really stepping up to the plate or is he tossing crumbs your way? Do you feel you're investing more energy in hoping for change rather than seeing genuine remorse and regret from him?
> 
> I dunno ... It just sounds to me like he's kinda half-assing it and you're hanging onto that.


Well it’s only recently that’s he’s ever genuinely apologized for what he did , before that the apology was half assed indeed. 
I do see he’s trying yes , do I see it’s enough ? Maybe not , maybe I want to see him try more and show me it’s me he is choosing not anyone else .
My anger hits me almost every day .. not being able to forgive him keeps that anger alive inside me . I feel like if I forgave him then I’m somewhat being okay about what he did . I’ve never been an insecure person but after this , I’ve felt so unwanted that it’s truly affected me so deeply especially my self esteem. 
The bad part is , the woman he is choosing is not at all better than me except for maybe the body she bought , that’s it . She would never even be his type to begin with — I don’t understand why he even chose her ??? 
He tells me it was nothing and purely messages ( more likely flirty messages) I also don’t believe a single word he tells me about that so I am still in limbo not really knowing what the team truth is because I think he would never openly admit the extent of what he’s done . I know this because even as I have caught him he was still trying to deny the fact that he was messaging her he was still trying to weasel himself out of the situation so I know that he isn’t telling me 100% truth.
So I’m left making my own assumptions which can be a bad thing


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He doesn’t realize it could take years to rebuild. For him, it’s over and done with and it’s time to move on.


Yes because he doesn’t want to deal with it he wants me to just get over it like it’s nothing, it makes me angry because he minimizes my anger about this and I know he knows for a fact how hurt I am it’s just that he doesn’t want to confront his fault in this or truthfully apologize for what he did instead he’s rushing me To get over something that takes years and years to get out of your head


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Well it’s only recently that’s he’s ever genuinely apologized for what he did , before that the apology was half assed indeed.
> I do see he’s trying yes , do I see it’s enough ? Maybe not , maybe I want to see him try more and show me it’s me he is choosing not anyone else .
> My anger hits me almost every day .. not being able to forgive him keeps that anger alive inside me . I feel like if I forgave him then I’m somewhat being okay about what he did . I’ve never been an insecure person but after this , I’ve felt so unwanted that it’s truly affected me so deeply especially my self esteem.
> The bad part is , the woman he is choosing is not at all better than me except for maybe the body she bought , that’s it . She would never even be his type to begin with — I don’t understand why he even chose her ???
> ...


When somebody is traumatized, there is no action another person can do to take away that trauma. The most they can do is ensure they are not doing anything that would cause a triggering. 
If your husband is sincere, all he can do is understand that his role is to no longer hurt you that way. He cannot do some act so great that it takes away your internal workings.
The only thing he can do is comfort you when you are triggered. Bring you a cup of coffee the way you like it and just sit by your side as you go through the emotions and not take it personally, because it is going on inside of you and he's no longer a factor as to why it happens.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> He doesn’t realize it could take years to rebuild. For him, it’s over and done with and it’s time to move on.


or he says it's over and done. How easy is it to peruse instagram not in the wife's eye shot. His mistake was 'following' them but you can still find them easy.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> When somebody is traumatized, there is no action another person can do to take away that trauma. The most they can do is ensure they are not doing anything that would cause a triggering.
> If your husband is sincere, all he can do is understand that his role is to no longer hurt you that way. He cannot do some act so great that it takes away your internal workings.
> The only thing he can do is comfort you when you are triggered. Bring you a cup of coffee the way you like it and just sit by your side as you go through the emotions and not take it personally, because it is going on inside of you and he's no longer a factor as to why it happens.


YES ! I think I’m looking for that exactly but it seems he gets so frazzled whenever he sees me triggered and instead of consoling me , he then gets annoyed that I’m getting triggered — when all I need is for him to be. Y my side understanding the hut I am going through — but each time I try to explain to him what I need he ends up acting frustrated that I’m bothered by my triggers , as if there is no reason for these triggers 
He’s in denial with himself about his part in all this and I don’t know how he can think that way at all


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> YES ! I think I’m looking for that exactly but it seems he gets so frazzled whenever he sees me triggered and instead of consoling me , he then gets annoyed that I’m getting triggered — when all I need is for him to be. Y my side understanding the hut I am going through — but each time I try to explain to him what I need he ends up acting frustrated that I’m bothered by my triggers , as if there is no reason for these triggers
> He’s in denial with himself about his part in all this and I don’t know how he can think that way at all


Maybe he doesn't know what to do and still feels guilty. Explain to him that he is no longer harming you and what you need most is for him to sit by your side and hug you when you're going through an episode.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s really not right that he expects you to get over it!!! You may NEVER get over it - especially with his entitled and selfish attitude.

With his attitude - I’d simply divorce him. He’s not considering how much harm he brought to you and the marriage! 

Seriously, it may never even feel mildly ok for you! Know that for sure!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> It’s really not right that he expects you to get over it!!! You may NEVER get over it - especially with his entitled and selfish attitude.
> 
> With his attitude - I’d simply divorce him. He’s not considering how much harm he brought to you and the marriage!
> 
> Seriously, it may never even feel mildly ok for you! Know that for sure!


Agree! He’s so caught up with not dealing with his mistake and being embarrassed that he even did it that he can’t take any inconvenience of my triggers —- well excuse me , these triggers are a bigger inconvenience to me and I didn’t ask for this ! It plagues my mind day and night and all he wants me to do is Get over it ?! 
Some people are not equipped to have any good sense at all and sadly he is one of them . He doesn’t even know the half of how I feel every single day. I’m hoping that one day this feeling goes away but when the one who causes it can’t even show an ounce of remorse , you just cross your fingers that karma comes swiftly !


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> YES ! I think I’m looking for that exactly but it seems he gets so frazzled whenever he sees me triggered and instead of consoling me , he then gets annoyed that I’m getting triggered — when all I need is for him to be. Y my side understanding the hut I am going through — but each time I try to explain to him what I need he ends up acting frustrated that I’m bothered by my triggers , as if there is no reason for these triggers
> He’s in denial with himself about his part in all this and I don’t know how he can think that way at all


I get it. When I encounter triggers (brought up by circumstance or by my wife), _I_ get blamed for making HER sad. And all I’m trying to do is point out areas she needs to avoid or tread lightly or at least understand why they affect me. But instead, it somehow becomes my fault.

I thing the “getting over” triggers is not realistic. But dealing with them compassionately renders them much less fearsome. “Understanding” turns triggers into hope. I think that’s the way forward.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> or he says it's over and done. How easy is it to peruse instagram not in the wife's eye shot. His mistake was 'following' them but you can still find them easy.


Yes he was stupid enough to follow at least 100 of these womens accounts and thought I’d never find out — first of all of you were him , would it not occur to you how highly inappropriate it is to follow these women when you are in a marriage ? Does that not sound like an insult to you wife ? But I have to say he was selecting them quite carefully — most of them he followed were divorcées with children , I guess he thought that he’d find easy ones that way huh! 
in all honesty he could have kept watching these accounts and I wouldn’t have knows if he never followed all of them — that one day , I don’t know what got into me and why I looked at his follows … I normally don’t even care but that day something compelled me to investigate further — and I’m so glad I did , otherwise I would not have seen what kind of man he is in reality , that after 20 plus years I still didn’t know the man I married !


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> I get it. When I encounter triggers (brought up by circumstance or by my wife), _I_ get blamed for making HER sad. And all I’m trying to do is point out areas she needs to avoid or tread lightly or at least understand why they affect me. But instead, it somehow becomes my fault.
> 
> I thing the “getting over” triggers is not realistic. But dealing with them compassionately renders them much less fearsome. “Understanding” turns triggers into hope. I think that’s the way forward.


I’d like to think triggers can disappear when the relationship rebuilds the trust again , when the relationship proves stronger than the triggers , that is when it will fade away.
But yes , I think sometimes they don’t understand how the betrayed feels and how something they don’t think is important means a million different things to the hurt partner .
Everyday I still struggle and yes I don’t realistically think this feeling will go away because for one there are too many reminders in the day to be able to forget it 
But I’m hoping in time it can lessen the hurt it’s causing but most of all I hope that my husband one day really sees how much he’s broken my heart


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> When somebody is traumatized, there is no action another person can do to take away that trauma. The most they can do is ensure they are not doing anything that would cause a triggering.
> If your husband is sincere, all he can do is understand that his role is to no longer hurt you that way. He cannot do some act so great that it takes away your internal workings.
> The only thing he can do is comfort you when you are triggered. Bring you a cup of coffee the way you like it and just sit by your side as you go through the emotions and not take it personally, because it is going on inside of you and he's no longer a factor as to why it happens.


Sadly yes triggers seem to be something only I can choose to not let in . But this has only been a couple of months ago and things are fresh , I’m feeling everything I felt the day I discovered his emotional infidelity and all the women he followed . 
I know that he cant make me feel better , I will just need to cope and move on . I hate that I have to deal with this triggers and all … that after 20 plus years this is where I am with my husband ??!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is that what he claimed? He "doesn't know why" he did it? What a liar.


Maybe the triggering is happening because you can not reconcile who you thought he was, with who the facts actually tell you he was.

why did he do it?
He is a very horny guy, and has the loose morals to seek out the titalation of trying to have sex with other women. 

So no matter what way you used to think of him, reset that so that you realize just how horny he is. Sex is an all-powerful force in his life. It will make him do things he knows he should not.

You CAN work on getting him to realize that the "low morals" thing has to change. If he wants to stay married to you, he has to remain withing the boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. You can set up whatever marriage ground rules that make sense to you, and try your best to make sure he is staying within those boundaries of behavior.

So in other words, do not keep getting triggered by remembering he is a very horny guy...that is actually who he is. 
But moving forward, to avoid other triggers, make sure you discuss the marriage ground rules, and to the best of your ability make sure he is living within those boundaries.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> Maybe the triggering is happening because you can not reconcile who you thought he was, with who the facts actually tell you he was.
> 
> why did he do it?
> He is a very horny guy, and has the loose morals to seek out the titalation of trying to have sex with other women.
> ...


This is a very good point and thinking about it more you re so right ! Yes I am stuck with the fact that I thought he was one kind of person before all this and all of a sudden after what he did I realized in shock, he isn’t the person I thought he was and that he was all of a sudden this person I don’t know who is capable of betraying his wife’s trust after so many years. I just didn’t know him I guess as well as I did.
And yes in a way I guess I’m still stuck in thinking he is that person when he is this person now, maybe I’m blinded in thinking that he still that person I first met and maybe all that was a façade, and maybe now is who he truly is and I just never open my eyes to it. I think you for saying all this because quite honestly this is the first moment I think I really open my eyes into what you’re saying that my triggers come from this, I guess I just can’t come to terms that he is this person who I never knew existed .


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Yep, well we all have been to the circus and looked behind the curtains, and been surprised. But that does not mean we can not soldier on, and make the best of what things actually are.

it is realizing this, and figuring the new way to act, that eventually will end these triggering episodes you are having


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes because he doesn’t want to deal with it he wants me to just get over it like it’s nothing, it makes me angry because he minimizes my anger about this and I know he knows for a fact how hurt I am it’s just that he doesn’t want to confront his fault in this or truthfully apologize for what he did instead he’s rushing me To get over something that takes years and years to get out of your head


The concerning thing about his attitude is that it shows how he is still ONLY concerned with HIMSELF. He is showing that he just doesn't care about what he did to you and how he betrayed you. He wants it to go away because it's unpleasant and inconvenient for HIM that you feel bad...he's not affected by how hurt you are, except that he is suffering because of that.

That might be an indication that he doesn't deserve your trust at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s amazing (and not in a good way) what we sometimes find when that little voice pops up out of nowhere and says “check this.” My exH never once acted as though he had another life going on. Everything seemed so normal. He was very good at that. But one day, for reasons I still don’t understand, that little voice said “open his credit card statement”. I had not done that before but that day I did and got the surprise of my life. That was decades ago and I’m still shocked at how that played out. The lesson learned is that you never really know someone nearly as well as you think you do. Never. Keep that in mind going forward.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> It’s amazing (and not in a good way) what we sometimes find when that little voice pops up out of nowhere and says “check this.” My exH never once acted as though he had another life going on. Everything seemed so normal. He was very good at that. But one day, for reasons I still don’t understand, that little voice said “open his credit card statement”. I had not done that before but that day I did and got the surprise of my life. That was decades ago and I’m still shocked at how that played out. The lesson learned is that you never really know someone nearly as well as you think you do. Never. Keep that in mind going forward.


Intuition is a powerful thing ! Exactly how mine happened, I don’t know what made me do it but I checked his followed on social media and form there found out along sorts of things even the fact that he was liking all these womens sexy photos .. women of all ages and all types he was certainly not picky . 
but when confronted , it was as if he had no recollection of why he did all that .. no apology just an I don’t know . Certainly not worth and trusting any time soon


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I absolutely think *he’s not telling me the entirety of it .*
> 
> I’ve screamed my head off trying to make sense of this. At this point after much discussion , we’ve agreed , or rather he’s agreed to change — he’s at least not in his damn cell phone in front of my face like he use to glued to social media . ... I’ve since decided *I’m not going to let his bull crap dictate my life *. ,,,* I’m ruining my peace of mind , my health and my sanity* for what ? A man who can’t even be honest


Here's the thing: His crap IS dictating your life. You say it isn't, and then right away you admit you're falling apart emotionally and physically. Your husband is handling this the way he wants to handle it. He's made it clear he's going to rug sweep and lie, for the most part.

And here you are again .... going 'round and 'round and 'round. I get it. You invested a great deal of your life in this relationship. But my guess is if you reflected on the past, you'd probably find your husband is the type of guy who looks for a solution that satisfies him and moves on. This situation is an example of that.

And I'll tell you again that you are not going anywhere and are settling for crumbs. Sorry, but your husband's choice as to how he's going to handle this IS dictating your life. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't be on here lamenting about all the triggers.

Those "triggers" are your gut and subconscious mind screaming at you that you are compromising your core values for this jerk. And you will never get past it unless he gives you the response you need (which he won't), or you kick his as to the curb (which I honestly think you won't).

That leaves you with sucking up your triggers, your anxiety, and your distrust. Your husband has given you what he's willing to give you. You have the choice of accepting it for what it is, complaining for the rest of your life, or telling him to go pound sand. Your life. Your choice.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but you aren't the one who can fix this at this point.

He thinks it's no big deal and you should just get over it. It is a big deal and you won't get over it, unless he does the work to try to make things right. He needs to show genuine remorse, respect, and love. He needs to be working hard to earn back your trust.

Try to forgive him for yourself, whether the two of you work things out or not. It's not excusing his actions. It doesn't mean forgetting or acting like nothing happened. It's letting yourself off the hook, not him. When we don't forgive, we are the ones harmed by the bitterness (and / or "triggers"), not the other person.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but you aren't the one who can fix this at this point.
> 
> He thinks it's no big deal and you should just get over it. It is a big deal and you won't get over it, unless he does the work to try to make things right. He needs to show genuine remorse, respect, and love. He needs to be working hard to earn back your trust.
> 
> Try to forgive him for yourself, whether the two of you work things out or not. It's not excusing his actions. It doesn't mean forgetting or acting like nothing happened. It's letting yourself off the hook, not him. When we don't forgive, we are the ones harmed by the bitterness (and / or "triggers"), not the other person.


Thank you I appreciate your kind words . I am trying to forgive but it simply isn’t easy at this moment . I know that without forgiving I can’t move on for myself , I realize that 
I am working on this through my therapist and I do hope that I can move past the anger and the hate I feel . I realize this isn’t all something I can fix either . I guess I just posted here to hear everyone else’s point of view on this apart from mine . I appreciate everyone’s thoughts good or bad whether you agree with me or not — thank you


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm coming down on you like a hammer. And I freely admit it. But it's a dose of reality, and lots of times reality sucks. The thing is, you can forgive him. But forgiving him doesn't mean letting him off the hook. I don't sugar coat the truth. You are in therapy. You are triggering. He's not giving you what you want or need. And I'm standing back and looking at this as an outsider. And from where I'm sitting it sounds like YOU are doing all the heavy lifting.

But he is what he is. While your guts are tied up in knots and your blood pressure is probably off the charts from all the screaming, he's satisfied with what how he's resolved the situation.. I'm pretty sure that what you see is what you're gonna get. He'll be pleasant, polite, nice, and pitch in to help around the house. But, for him, the scab has crusted over and fallen off. The wound is healed as far as he's concerned, and he's moving on from it.

It's a sad state of affairs, but that's where it is. I'm all for forgiveness. But forgiveness doesn't equate with swallowing what he's feeding you. Seriously.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'm coming down on you like a hammer. And I freely admit it. But it's a dose of reality, and lots of times reality sucks. The thing is, you can forgive him. But forgiving him doesn't mean letting him off the hook. I don't sugar coat the truth. You are in therapy. You are triggering. He's not giving you what you want or need. And I'm standing back and looking at this as an outsider. And from where I'm sitting it sounds like YOU are doing all the heavy lifting.
> 
> But he is what he is. While your guts are tied up in knots and your blood pressure is probably off the charts from all the screaming, he's satisfied with what how he's resolved the situation.. I'm pretty sure that what you see is what you're gonna get. He'll be pleasant, polite, nice, and pitch in to help around the house. But, for him, the scab has crusted over and fallen off. The wound is healed as far as he's concerned, and he's moving on from it.
> 
> It's a sad state of affairs, but that's where it is. I'm all for forgiveness. But forgiveness doesn't equate with swallowing what he's feeding you. Seriously.


No I understand . At this point I can’t even really stomach giving the forgiveness I’m choosing to figure things out yes but forgiveness is the one thing I still can’t give him.
He tells me he understands what I feel yet tells me to get over it .. people who understand won’t tell me to get over it because it isn’t that simple . Even if I try to get over it , my brain simply won’t let me .
Yea I know that I’m practically doing the work yes … for me I need to know whether I’m still willing to do that work , because it tells me if this is still something I want to save or not


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Savannah01 said:


> I’d like to think triggers can disappear when the relationship rebuilds the trust again , when the relationship proves stronger than the triggers , that is when it will fade away.
> But yes , I think sometimes they don’t understand how the betrayed feels and how something they don’t think is important means a million different things to the hurt partner .
> Everyday I still struggle and yes I don’t realistically think this feeling will go away because for one there are too many reminders in the day to be able to forget it
> But I’m hoping in time it can lessen the hurt it’s causing but most of all I hope that my husband one day really sees how much he’s broken my heart


Sadly, since he can’t understand your pain and has no remorse - you may never get past it. You may never get relief from his betrayal.

Are you only considering staying married to him?

Has he shown signs of narcissistic personality disorder? Have you looked at the list for that disorder? 

No one should EVER have to sweep it under the rug. Him asking you to get over it would be enough for me to leave him.

I don’t think he’s experienced any consequences from you. File divorce papers… that ought to help him understand how much he hurt you and that him acting so nonchalant about your pain is not something you should just get over!

You’ve been way to easy on his entitled attitude.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he’s telling you to get over it then he’s not interested in rebuilding your marriage. He just wants you to shut up and quit bothering him about this and get back to normal. Unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon attitude. I ran into a watered-down version of it in my marriage. I felt like I was the only one doing the work. Believe me, that gets old after awhile and makes you wonder why you’re staying.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah, I'm sorry to agree with the other folks who don't think your husband is sorry at all. He probably thinks he's entitled and you're ruining his fun. Do you remember the attitude of some of the men who posted on your first thread? I distinctly recall some mutterings about men never being allowed to have a good time, etc. 

In his eyes, it's no big deal, I wonder if you decided to copy his shenanigans how he'd feel? Outraged? I'm not telling you do anything, just to think along the lines he's thinking. Is he the type to punish you when he doesn't get his way? Silent treatment, withdrawal of affection, etc.

Not to be mean (too much), but you seem to be the only one who gives a **** and is running around like a headless chicken worried about making things right. You don't paint a good picture of him, is he doing any of the heavy lifting? The reason I ask is, can you keep that up long-term? B/c he seems happy as he is.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s not sorry he did it. He’s only sorry he got caught.
That’s why he doesn’t REALLY care about how his actions affects you.

IF he really cared about how YOU feel - he would be doing all the hard work to repair the damage (and trust) that he ruined. But he’s not! 

You are basically operating within the marriage alone emotionally. He’s not the guy you thought he was. This is who he is - and it’s not nice.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> If he’s telling you to get over it then he’s not interested in rebuilding your marriage. He just wants you to shut up and quit bothering him about this and get back to normal. Unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon attitude. I ran into a watered-down version of it in my marriage. I felt like I was the only one doing the work. Believe me, that gets old after awhile and makes you wonder why you’re staying.


Funny about people who do the damage is that they never want to be confronted about it. He doesn’t want to deal with me and my triggers ( that he caused ) because behind it all there is a sense of shame in this that he doesn’t want to admit.


TXTrini said:


> Savannah, I'm sorry to agree with the other folks who don't think your husband is sorry at all. He probably thinks he's entitled and you're ruining his fun. Do you remember the attitude of some of the men who posted on your first thread? I distinctly recall some mutterings about men never being allowed to have a good time, etc.
> 
> In his eyes, it's no big deal, I wonder if you decided to copy his shenanigans how he'd feel? Outraged? I'm not telling you do anything, just to think along the lines he's thinking. Is he the type to punish you when he doesn't get his way? Silent treatment, withdrawal of affection, etc.
> 
> Not to be mean (too much), but you seem to be the only one who gives a **** and is running around like a headless chicken worried about making things right. You don't paint a good picture of him, is he doing any of the heavy lifting? The reason I ask is, can you keep that up long-term? B/c he seems happy as he is.


yes you’re absolutely right , I am doing most of the lifting, Although since this all started he has made some changes like being more sensitive about my triggers, he’s since apologized as well which to me is a big deal being even when I caught him he could not mutter words to apologize to me.
He keeps telling me that it was not a big deal and I’m blowing it out of proportion OK maybe he didn’t actually have sex with someone and maybe it was just messaging and flirting and such, but it doesn’t change the fact of the betrayal and the lie about it all it wasn’t that he was openly telling me he was talking to someone casually either. I realize everyone is seeing how terrible of a person he is which yes I can’t disagree with anyone on that case, but somehow I don’t know why I’m still trying to work things out with this man. I think that apart from the issues that just happened when we are OK we are OK we get along fine I think he’s much like a child where and if he didn’t like the toy he was playing with he just jumped into the next and thinks nothing of it I think that’s how he sees this that’s why he’s very now nonchalant about it more than me . Do I think it’s gonna work? I don’t know I have no real guaranteed to anything because everything is up in the air.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m trying to see whether there is any hope for this weather there’s any change I know for most people these are reasons to divorce someone but call me stupid or whatever but I still believe in trying to salvage a marriage if at all you can I guess I want to see if there is that one last chance that things could change


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Funny about people who do the damage is that they never want to be confronted about it. He doesn’t want to deal with me and my triggers ( that he caused ) because behind it all there is a sense of shame in this that he doesn’t want to admit.
> 
> yes you’re absolutely right , I am doing most of the lifting, Although since this all started he has made some changes like being more sensitive about my triggers, he’s since apologized as well which to me is a big deal being even when I caught him he could not mutter words to apologize to me.
> He keeps telling me that it was not a big deal and I’m blowing it out of proportion OK maybe he didn’t actually have sex with someone and maybe it was just messaging and flirting and such, but it doesn’t change the fact of the betrayal and the lie about it all it wasn’t that he was openly telling me he was talking to someone casually either. I realize everyone is seeing how terrible of a person he is which yes I can’t disagree with anyone on that case, but somehow I don’t know why I’m still trying to work things out with this man. I think that apart from the issues that just happened when we are OK we are OK we get along fine I think he’s much like a child where and if he didn’t like the toy he was playing with he just jumped into the next and thinks nothing of it I think that’s how he sees this that’s why he’s very now nonchalant about it more than me . Do I think it’s gonna work? I don’t know I have no real guaranteed to anything because everything is up in the air.
> I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m trying to see whether there is any hope for this weather there’s any change I know for most people these are reasons to divorce someone but call me stupid or whatever but *I still believe in trying to salvage a marriage if at all you can I guess I want to see if there is that one last chance that things could change*


EAs are a HUGE breach of trust, it's like an early warning system that he's selfish, conflict-avoidant, lacks integrity or accountability. If this wasn't a wake-up call for some serious character work on his part, do you really trust him not to have another EA or PA the next time he feels neglected?

Marriage takes two people who are totally committed and willing to give/take to work, you're the only one giving. It's been 4 months, and he has yet to get off his ass to lift a finger. Has he gone to IC to figure out why he needs other woman's validation?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You didn't create this mess, the perpetrator is sitting on his ass watching you run circles bowing and scraping. I'm not criticizing you or your efforts, I did the same thing. Maybe some of us have to learn the hard way. 

The only way things will change now is if you suck it up and stop harassing him, cause he doesn't see a problem since he didn't actually screw anyone else. In his mind, it's all in your head...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> I know for most people these are reasons to divorce someone but call me stupid or whatever but I still believe in trying to salvage a marriage if at all you can I guess I want to see if there is that one last chance that things could change


This is fine if you want to stay and salvage your marriage after this, but just remember....everything that you are willing to accept, is exactly what you will get.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> EAs are a HUGE breach of trust, it's like an early warning system that he's selfish, conflict-avoidant, lacks integrity or accountability. If this wasn't a wake-up call for some serious character work on his part, do you really trust him not to have another EA or PA the next time he feels neglected?
> 
> Marriage takes two people who are totally committed and willing to give/take to work, you're the only one giving. It's been 4 months, and he has yet to get off his ass to lift a finger. Has he gone to IC to figure out why he needs other woman's validation?
> 
> ...


Yeah I know . I think that is exactly how he sees it because there was no physical encounter it’s not considered anything serious and yet to this day he really can’t give me the rundown on what they talked about to this day he still cleans amnesia because he can’t remember what they talked about which is total bull crap ! 
yes I totally hate the fact that I am Innoway harassing him about the situation I’m looking at him sideways every time the phone rings or every time I think that he’s on social media as much as I hate to be that kind of person to limit everything or to make him delete everything because sometimes when you do that then right they retaliate even more and actually just become smarter and do it in secrecy.
I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for genuine honesty, is there such a thing? I thought that he was far from being that type of man when I married him and throughout the 20+ years of us being together, but I guess I was proven wrong maybe he was this type all along and I was jaded into not seeing that and now that I did I think that I am a bit shocked out of my comfort zone that all of a sudden I do not recognize this man any longer for what he did. Had I known this from the start that he was just the same old men as the ones I’ve been avoiding I would not have spent 20 years of my life with him not one day


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> This is fine if you want to stay and salvage your marriage after this, but just remember....everything that you are willing to accept, is exactly what you will get.


This is all in trial I’ve never gone through this before so I don’t know what will work and what will not as of now yes I’m setting heavy duty boundaries over our entire relationship what used to be not a big deal is now a form of suspicion and clarity that needs to be given like if he wants to go out I need to know who he’s actually going with and that doesn’t mean that he can just go anywhere and do anything he pleases at this point I know that sounds harsh but I feel like he really gave up his right to act like he’s sensible adult when he just went about his own way not even thinking of the consequences of what he’s doing to our marriage now I have to treat him like a five-year-old and tell him exactly what the rules are and what is allowed and what is not yes it’s no way to live but until I can tell that his sincerity in this relationship is truthful this is how it’s gonna have to be I don’t know what the other option is apart from letting go of the relationship I am trying to salvage maybe some thing that isn’t salvageable , I guess we’ll find out. At this point I just want to try for the sake of trying 20 years is not a very easy number to check over my shoulder at least for me personally I need to know that I’ve tried


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah,
I just glanced through your numerous threads to get a full picture of what you're fighting for and I have to ask what advice are you looking for here?

Do you want to present as married to the world or do you want to be happy? From what I've read, with your husband exposed for what he is and making no attempts to improve, it's one or the other.

Why haven't you cheated on him when his d1ck stopped working? That's right, b/c you're not the kind of person who'd dream of breaking your vows. He has an easy comfortable life, you cater to his every need while he can sh1t all over you and you'll brush it off and come back for more.

He has you right where he wants you, scrambling to exert yourself to "salvage your marriage" b/c it means so much to you, while he goes about business as usual and waits for you to stop harassing him with inconvenient details. If that man had any ounce of feeling for you, your pain would be his pain, he would do his utmost to make you happy.

He can treat you any way like likes and still has his good little wife any way he feels like and you'll still cook his meals and wash his underwear. On the outside, it seems the more you try, the more contemptuous he is and the more confident he is that you're not going anywhere.

My advice, if you're determined to see this to the bitter end without completely losing your self-respect and worth is to emotionally detach from him. Start channeling all the energy you're pouring into a dead horse into yourself. Start going out with friends and leave him to fend for himself.

Go for pedicure, go to the gym, dress to the nines with YOUR tits on display and go to the theatre. Many people have said the one who cares the least has all the power, time to take yours back. It doesn't seem like he brings anything to your marriage but his paycheck and faulty d1ck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men generally tend to be more upset about physical affairs and women generally tend to be more upset about emotional affairs. That was true for me. I was certainly very angry and very upset that my husband had a physical affair but I was totally devastated he told another woman that he loved her. I divorced him for that (his story was that she said it to him first and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings so he said it back — great, stand-up guy that he was). The truth is that you have no idea what he’s done and he’s not going to tell you because he knows it might be a dealbreaker. So you’ll have to decide if he’s worth it or not.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Savannah,
> I just glanced through your numerous threads to get a full picture of what you're fighting for and I have to ask what advice are you looking for here?
> 
> Do you want to present as married to the world or do you want to be happy? From what I've read, with your husband exposed for what he is and making no attempts to improve, it's one or the other.
> ...


Yes I hear you . And yea I do go do my own thing . I’m not exactly sitting around just for Him day and night .
I realize the truth in what you were saying, I know that it doesn’t look good because he is barely making any efforts for anything but as I am seeing some sort of effort I am looking at that as a positive no I don’t plan on just waiting this out forever I’m trying to see at this point where it’s going if it is even worth it if it’s changing, or if I’m making a whole other decision at the end of this. I hear everyone’s comments and I do appreciate and understand what you all mean. It’s not that I’m asking for any specific answer here from anyone I’m reading on and getting everyone’s comments and putting them all as a combined suggestion so to speak because I want to get clarity more than just what I know so it’s not that I’m not hearing any of you I truly a.m., and I’m working on figuring this out whether or not it’s your way or another persons way I’m trying it my way at this time and if it serves well great and if not I guess I MoveOn but I do hear everyone of you in your comments. Trust me I do realize that I am moving around more than they should.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I hear you . And yea I do go do my own thing . I’m not exactly sitting around just for Him day and night .
> I realize the truth in what you were saying, I know that it doesn’t look good because he is barely making any efforts for anything but as I am seeing some sort of effort I am looking at that as a positive no I don’t plan on just waiting this out forever I’m trying to see at this point where it’s going if it is even worth it if it’s changing, or if I’m making a whole other decision at the end of this. I hear everyone’s comments and I do appreciate and understand what you all mean. It’s not that I’m asking for any specific answer here from anyone I’m reading on and getting everyone’s comments and putting them all as a combined suggestion so to speak because I want to get clarity more than just what I know so it’s not that I’m not hearing any of you I truly a.m., and I’m working on figuring this out whether or not it’s your way or another persons way I’m trying it my way at this time and if it serves well great and if not I guess I MoveOn but I do hear everyone of you in your comments. Trust me I do realize that I am moving around more than they should.


If I sound impassioned, it's because I am. Been there, done the hokey-pokey but lost my dance shoes anyway. Many of us have and we can see clear as day where this is going. Old dogs do not learn new tricks unless a new ***** in heat riles them up.

I was like you, didn't want to believe anything anyone said, so I get it, I truly do. It's just so much harder to recover who you were and your sense of self-worth when you spend too long casting your pearls before the swine who will never appreciate what he has in you.

Good for you for doing your own thing! You deserve SO much better than this pale facsimile of a "man".


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He contradicts himself by apologizing but not doing the action to helpYOU heal.
He’s a hypocrite.

Why do you stay? It looks empty in that marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

All this stuff about trying to salvage the marriage is well and good. But I think you need to get honest about why you are staying. He has told you where he stands. That's not going to change.

I'd suggest you have a frank discussion with your therapist as to why you are deluding yourself. My guess is you're scared sh**less to be "alone." I read it on here almost every day. And I honestly can't wrap my head around it. Nobody has to be alone. But everybody can get out of a dead-end, unfulfilling marriage.

Why are you trying everything under the sun to salvage the marriage? He certainly isn't. So this is all about YOU.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> He contradicts himself by apologizing but not doing the action to helpYOU heal.
> He’s a hypocrite.
> 
> Why do you stay? It looks empty in that marriage.


He’s just not that type of person or man to be sensitive enough to . Mostly I think his guilt and embarrassment gets in the way . He can be a sweet person or at least he was once upon a time . When you catch him and call his bull and he can’t deny it , he becomes defensive and irrationally defends his side to a fault .
I guess I stay because I feel Like there is still some hope to fix things ? Like I said , I don’t know if there is hope I’m in the midst of working and seeing this out. I see everyone’s opinion that this is not a good thing , I do see that. Maybe I’m blinded by who we were as a couple then , that maybe in denial that that isn’t so now . I don’t know , I just am trying where I feel I should and seeing where this goes


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> All this stuff about trying to salvage the marriage is well and good. But I think you need to get honest about why you are staying. He has told you where he stands. That's not going to change.
> 
> I'd suggest you have a frank discussion with your therapist as to why you are deluding yourself. My guess is you're scared sh**less to be "alone." I read it on here almost every day. And I honestly can't wrap my head around it. Nobody has to be alone. But everybody can get out of a dead-end, unfulfilling marriage.
> 
> Why are you trying everything under the sun to salvage the marriage? He certainly isn't. So this is all about YOU.


Yes I know what you mean . I’m not defending him but he is in his way trying to be different . We have successfully been quite okay for the last few weeks on and off — mostly due to me and the way the triggers affect me. He’s been helping make me feel better and re assuring me of things , sorry I missed mentioning this , but yes our relationship has actually been a lot more enganging now more than ever . 
my post is mainly about how I just can’t seem to drop the triggers which I turn ruins the momentum of how we’re are slowly building a better relationship. 
we’ve been more affectionate and caring to each other since , we connect a lot more and talk in a lot more deeer sense than ever the 20 plus years … so you see there have been changes in both of us and a sense of connection. It’s just that every so often I will see the triggers hit me and my anger and pain comes out and I actually argue with him again because I start blaming again
We’re consciously both trying to mend such a broken marriage and it may not work for other people but it seems to be slowly working for us . 
if I can ever get the triggers out . He then tells me to get over it because we’ve been doing so well and my anger just sets us back again from the start .
My therapist wants me to think about forgiveness — yet this is the one thing I still can’t do. And I guess it not gonna be easy to move forward if you can’t forgive the person you’re trying to move forward with


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I know what you mean . I’m not defending him but he is in his way trying to be different . We have successfully been quite okay for the last few weeks on and off — mostly due to me and the way the triggers affect me. He’s been helping make me feel better and re assuring me of things , sorry I missed mentioning this , but yes our relationship has actually been a lot more enganging now more than ever .
> my post is mainly about how I just can’t seem to drop the triggers which I turn ruins the momentum of how we’re are slowly building a better relationship.
> we’ve been more affectionate and caring to each other since , we connect a lot more and talk in a lot more deeer sense than ever the 20 plus years … so you see there have been changes in both of us and a sense of connection. It’s just that every so often I will see the triggers hit me and my anger and pain comes out and I actually argue with him again because I start blaming again
> We’re consciously both trying to mend such a broken marriage and it may not work for other people but it seems to be slowly working for us .
> ...


Forgiveness is more an act of kindness towards yourself than for him. It allows you to focus and make intelligent decisions. It restores your sense of agency.

But sometimes it’s just not possible. You are who you are. By contrast he is not who you thought he was. Have your therapist explain how you reconcile that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Those triggers are there for a reason. Your husband hasn’t done the authentic work to help you understand that he feels terrible for hurting you! And there is no way to forgive when a person doesn’t seem to feel bad or doesn’t want to own how they participated. 

It shows they are sorry they got caught but not sorry they did it.

So you won’t truly be capable of feeling better about your husband and the marriage because he hasn’t done what is required to start the healing.

Sure - he’s on better behavior - he’s been caught. That’s called overcompensating due to being exposed. But that doesn’t equate to being sorry he did this to you.

So you are making your marriage SEEM good - better - adequate…for now. But long term it won’t last because he’s screwed you over and he knows it. He just won’t apologize and he won’t do the hard work it takes to repair the damage HE caused!

It’s NOT up to you to do the work here. Stop trying to make it good when it’s not good enough. 

Tell him it’s not good enough - and if he can’t do better than this for you - then it’s time to consider just how shallow the marriage is.

I can’t possibly understand why your therapist would focus on you forgiving him when he hasn’t even admitted and apologized to you and done the work to help you heal! You need a new therapist - that one has things completely backwards!


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes because he doesn’t want to deal with it he wants me to just get over it like it’s nothing, it makes me angry because he minimizes my anger about this and I know he knows for a fact how hurt I am it’s just that he doesn’t want to confront his fault in this or truthfully apologize for what he did instead he’s rushing me To get over something that takes years and years to get out of your head


Hey everyone, its been literally years since I posted anything after my ex wife's last PA and our eventual divorce as a result.

This resonated with me because after the multiple EA's and the eventual PA (which I remain unconvinced was the only PA btw) my wayward ex wife threw this line at me..."oh you'll NEVER trust me again so what's the point...how can we be together if you are going to bring this up (the PA) all the time"

The context here was that despite everything that woman threw at me in the 19 yrs we were married I (thought at the time) loved her and wanted to fix things. It was unfixable and SHE destroyed it.

What I have learned over the last 9yrs about myself is that I was a serial "fixer" and the eternal optimist. I believed that I could fix her, that I could be the man she wanted. When I eventually was exposed to true love and relationship honesty with my current wife, it was as though I walked through a portal into a whole new world and I then realised what I was missing out on for 19 yrs. My ex never loved me truly I don't think. If she did, there is no way that she could have behaved the way she did for most of out marriage....

@savanah01, what I am trying to say is that it will take years and years for you to even BEGIN to trust again. After the last EA my ex had we went into intense marriage counselling and at face value it seemed to be working and my ex and I (from my standpoint anyway) appeared to really get in sync and our relationship improved to the point that after 4 odd years I fully trusted her; no triggers, no desire to look at her phone, taking everything she said to me as truth. The counsellor had said that for me to have peace I needed to get to a place where in the absence of proof to the contrary I must trust her. I did that then BANG... PA

My rambling point is this. With the benefit of glorious hindsight, after the last EA (which was all I could PROVE it was) I really should have ended the marriage. It would have been better for me although it would have meant that my daughter would have stayed with her mother and I didn't want to miss out on anything. So I sucked it up and did my best to "fix the unfixable". Like I said above, it really appeared to work though but again looking back, that's only because the ex wife became more crafty and careful at hiding things and more manipulative; for her it was a great deal as I was earning good money in my own business and she had a great lifestyle which I paid for in large part. Also because I travelled a lot away from home, looking back she had lots of opportunity to run around and I'm sure she did.

Sorry again I'm off track. For you, you need to be asking yourself if the triggers and trust issues that you have (and will have for a long time believe me) are worth the investment in someone who has already revealed a propensity to stray away from you. I tend to believe now from my experience that those who are pre-disposed to straying or be easily distracted by a cutey in a short skirt will ALWAYS be that way. There are of course exceptions but life is too short in my humble opinion to waste time waiting to find out if he'll stray again. My (possibly jaundiced) view is that he will given enough time and the opportunity.

Save yourself the heartache and find someone who deserves you, who will cherish you and be faithful to you. These are not big asks.... they are basic good character traits.

Wishing you well and only happiness...


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Wideopn Dave said:


> Hey everyone, its been literally years since I posted anything after my ex wife's last PA and our eventual divorce as a result.
> 
> This resonated with me because after the multiple EA's and the eventual PA (which I remain unconvinced was the only PA btw) my wayward ex wife threw this line at me..."oh you'll NEVER trust me again so what's the point...how can we be together if you are going to bring this up (the PA) all the time"
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind insights on this , yes I do understand what you mean . Sometimes you just hope you can fix things . In my case I guess I’m willing to keep fixing if I could . Maybe I’m not yet at that realization point that’s why I’m not leaving the marriage. I understand , and there was a time in my life that if these things happened then I would have left on the spot. 
trust and forgiveness go hand in hand and I’m trying to see if I am able to give even one or the other , if I can cope or not


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why do you keep “fixing” when he hasn’t done his part?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was also the fixer in my marriage. Ultimately it didn’t work because I was the only one who was really trying. I think you’re in the same situation. Your husband doesn’t want a divorce but neither is he willing to do all that needs to be done. I think hopium will keep you there just as it did me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You will never be capable of “fixing” it when your husband won’t do “his part” - it will always look lopsided.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes often I do get a good cry, frustrated and angry. Sometimes I just don’t think he can grasp the pain I feel, at least not to the extent I really feel every single day


then tell him how much you hurt and he needs to pick up his game and earn forgiveness


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> each time I try to explain to him what I need he ends up acting frustrated that I’m bothered by my triggers , as if there is no reason for these triggers
> He’s in denial with himself about his part in all this and I don’t know how he can think that way at all


What has his/your counselor told him (and you) regarding this?


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