# Yet another nice guy coming in from the cold



## eccentric (Nov 11, 2011)

I am 50 and have been married for 20 years. We have 4 children (19,17,14,10).
My wife is quite clear about what she expects and equally clear about what she doesn't want.
She has passed menopause. Our youngest daughter often sleeps in our bed. We have not had much of a sex-life since before her conception. 

I am a successful engineer and earn enough to support us all. I have been a nice guy and always tried to give my wife what she asked for and stopped doing things she didn't like. I have devoted all my non-work time to my wife and family. I do housework, gardening, property maintainance and improvements from 6 to 9 every evening and all weekend. My wife has a list of things she wants done. My plan was to make her happy so that her libido might return. That was over 10 years ago...

The concept of fitness tests is new to me and I am not sure I really get it, yet. If it gets to 6:15 and I'm not painting the ceiling my wife would say something like 'you'd better get on and paint the ceiling because I want you to hang that picture up tomorrow'. I just assumed that I had unfortunately married a bossy woman. I am wondering now if this is one of these 'tests'. Am I actually causing this behaviour by failing something?

I used to try and initiate sex with her but after continual rejection I now rarely attempt this. It got too depressing. I just let her decide when she feels up to it and that is not often.
She doesn't enjoy foreplay. Oral, either way, is out. She doesn't seem to like kissing. Or touching. She says she wants hard, fast quickie sex. Usually I get performance anxiety and have difficulty getting an erection. I really want to make the sex so good that I get another go, but while she lies there, looking bored and fed-up, waiting for me to get hard everything just seems to go downhill. I then spend the rest of the month with blue balls. 

I have had enough of this and want my life back. I think I am experiencing a mid-life crisis. 

I have read the forums at divorcebusting/sexstarvedmarriage, talkaboutmarriage and nomoremrniceguy.
I read Athol's lifechanging Primer 2011. A new world has opened up before me!
I now realise some of the damage I have done. Why is this stuff so secret? I tried so hard to be a good husband!

Over the last two months I have started trying to sort myself out: I run cross-country once a week, I do weights, I joined a martial arts group. I have insisted our daughter sleeps in her own bed.
I am being more decisive about things, even if I actually have no preference. 
I am stuck over the sex, though. I would love to be more dominant. I want to kiss her all over, finger her until she's dripping then **** her pants off. But she REALLY doesn't want that. It is not some token resistance - I have really turned her off! I am stuck with the mercy sex, framed so that I can't manage it.

I have read the ManUp sticky and the Thermostat thread. I am trying to cool myself down and also 'boost the alpha'. Is it possible to get out of here alive?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

eccentric said:


> Is it possible to get out of here alive?


For you? Absolutely.

With a loving, respectful wife that wants to sleep with you? That's another matter.

The goal being that you are preparing yourself to cope with either circumstance.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

eccentric, you are not to blame for your wife's lack of sexual desire for you or her lacking the desire to be made wet and ****** to pleasure. I've no idea why you're making it your problem. It is something she needs to work on herself and you need to stop blaming yourself. If you want to save your marriage you need to be willing to confront her with all of your thoughts and feelings and tell her that the relationship is unequal and you've had it. You have a right to your own desires and wants. She very well can go see a doctor about her low libido. If she were in love with you, she would definitely want to see you happy rather than use you like a slave.

A mid-life crisis is a bad thing only if you take actions that are bad. A mid-life crisis might be exactly what is needed in your life because your relationship is completely unfair and your wife is controlling you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

just tell her you want to quit your job and liquidate assets and live in the woods and grow a beard.

seriously, everytime i get the "eff it all" attitude and start taking charge of me i get laid


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Don't expect changes overnight. This change in you takes time. And the corresponding change in her behavior from your change also takes time. Plus, expect resistance from her as she fights to keep the status quo. This is normal

Athols primer gives you three to four months to affect a change in her behavior. After that, if there is no change you need to decide to keep at it or realize maybe your wife is not compatible with your needs any more. 

How was she earlier on in your marriage? Did she let you get her wet like you enjoy and then fk her like there is no tomorrow? 

Also, the easiest way to drop that performance anxiety is to stop worrying about her needs in bed for a while. Start being selfish and fulfil your needs with passion. You may be surprised on how this change in behavior in the bed may force a change in her level of desire. Start fkng her like you just met her and your just (re)discovering her body.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

As per the painting? When she orders you to do it, make sure you tell her that you expect her to grab a paintbrush and help you. Your tired of doing this by yourself. Or, hire a painter to come in and finish it up. 

It's good your experiencing your own goals and activities now. This is healthy for your growth. Getting out of the house on your own is beneficial plus reinforces the fact that you are not just there as her personal slave every night to do her bidding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I couldn't get past the part about your daughter still in your bed 

She's 10? That needs to stop.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

eccentric said:


> I think I am experiencing a mid-life crisis.


I'm a big fan of the midlife crisis.
Monotonous daily life routine kills the spirit. 

Shake it up. Look for more.

You sound like a good, selfless, hard-working, committed man. It really sucks that your wife doesn't appreciate you more.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Trenton said:


> It is something she needs to work on herself and you need to stop blaming yourself. If you want to save your marriage you need to be willing to confront her with all of your thoughts and feelings and tell her that the relationship is unequal and you've had it. You have a right to your own desires and wants. She very well can go see a doctor about her low libido. If she were in love with you, she would definitely want to see you happy rather than use you like a slave.
> .


I agree with this totally. Ultimately, you must have this conversation, for her to ever change. Don't gloss over this. You must have this conversation. This is your manning up journe (making yourself ready for this conversation). Because right now you fear it. You fear that she will leave you if you say that. So spend some time building a marriage that she would fight to stay a part of, be the man she would fight to keep, and become the man who does not care whether she says YES I WILL to this or NO I WONT (and if she says NO I WONT, you have to be prepared with your actions).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you think you're a Nice Guy, you really need to read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a forum on the author's website which is a fantastic resource in addition to the book.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Thor said:


> you really need to read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.


He did. Its in his OP. 

To the OP, 

First of all, stop all the catering and shut down the honey do to once a week for 2 hours. You have allowed your wife to turn you into her servant. There is nothing sexy about being a doormat. 

Secondly, you need to tell your wife this is not what you had in mind when you got married. A complete lack of interest, flexibility and frequency of sex isnt working for you and it needs toget fixed. 

Ask her directly what the problem is. Why is she not interested more often. Tell her you think its because you let her walk on you by taking up all of your free time to wait on her. 

Tell her you are going to pursue interests outside the home and you want her to join you. 

You two are in a rut. 

How do you blow a womans hair back? 

1. Romance, pursuit, effort
2. Fun, activity, humor, energy
3. Naughtiness, spice, variety, mystery, surprise
4. Mix it up, keeping her guessing and engaged in anticipation
5. Be more direct with your thoughts. Just say it. 
6. There are primal needs and companionship needs. Meet both. 

good luck


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And get your 10 year old OUT of your bed.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

It is not uncommon for a wife to have lower libido than her husband, but there are SOOOOO many ways for her to give him pleasure.

If she cares about his needs...


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## eccentric (Nov 11, 2011)

Thanks for the support everyone. I was expecting more of a roasting! I think I am probably going the right way. I need to sort myself out first, then my marriage. I'll let you know how it works out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> He did. Its in his OP.


He said he read the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy, not the book. If he hasn't read the book he is missing 95% of the content of NMMNG.


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