# Sex when she's just not into it....



## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Here's a question for the forum:

After 20 years of marriage, sexual frequency between a couple has fluctuated from daily to twice a month. In recent years this has gravitated towards the lesser. Husband and wife have long conversation on the subject and both agree to 3-4 times a week. After a couple of months, husband realizes that on some nights, wife is going through with the act, but just isn't into it. When brought up in conversation, wife acknowledges this fact, but insists she want to meet husband's needs and is willing to go the extra mile.

I can't imagine this is sustainable over the long term for two reasons. First, I would think that resentment would build up with the wife. Second, the husband won't be able to perform if there's no reciprocation.

Anyone here experienced a similar situation and can offer some advice?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

How often is she just not into it. Once or twice a month, or once or twice a week?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

see, this is when porn comes in handy.......

I have no problem with the wife letting me fall asleep early and gettin her groove on to a movie/porn in the living room. and vice versa.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

nwguy111,

What you're experiencing from your wife is what many of us refer to as "chore sex". In their minds, it's just one more thing to check off the "To Do" list. After a while it can really get to you

That being said, you should realize that at least some effort is being made by your wife to meet your needs. That's more than can be said for a number of us.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

This happens once or twice a week. Should I just keep my mouth shut and go with it?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

nwguy111 said:


> This happens once or twice a week. Should I just keep my mouth shut and go with it?


why don't you GET her into it.

maybe it's just my wife....but unless she is mad @ me or sick as a dog I can get her in the mood 99.9% of the time.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Been there, tried that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe 50/50.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you say, "been there tried that" but there is still more to try. Do you know if you are a good lover or even better - a great lover? I have felt somewhat similar to your wife until a year or so ago. I never turned my H down and we had/have sex 1-3X/week, but until recently I had LD.

In retrospect, and my current situation, now that my drive has increased, and I don't know if it's right to attribute my past LD to my husband, but I think if he was a better lover, I'd want sex more. My guess, over the 30 years we've been together (we're mid 40's) in all of our sexual encounters, I have an orgasm maybe 15% of the time, and that's 99% from oral sex, 1% manual.

Does your wife have an orgasm every time? From what I have learned here at TAM, she should!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would have no problem doing 'duty sex' for my hubby if his drive was higher than mine. I would view it as fulfilling one of his needs, as he fulfills mine. Maybe I have a stronger need for emotional intimacy than he does, and he does his duty to meet that need for me even when he doesn't feel like it.

If, however, he WASN'T meeting my needs, then yeah, I'd resent it. But if the rest of the marriage is great, then taking one for the team sometimes wouldn't be a chore at all. Of course this assumes that she isn't doing this every time.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

IslandGirl3 said:


> you say, "been there tried that" but there is still more to try. Do you know if you are a good lover or even better - a great lover? I have felt somewhat similar to your wife until a year or so ago. I never turned my H down and we had/have sex 1-3X/week, but until recently I had LD.
> 
> In retrospect, and my current situation, now that my drive has increased, and I don't know if it's right to attribute my past LD to my husband, but I think if he was a better lover, I'd want sex more. My guess, over the 30 years we've been together (we're mid 40's) in all of our sexual encounters, I have an orgasm maybe 15% of the time, and that's 99% from oral sex, 1% manual.
> 
> Does your wife have an orgasm every time? From what I have learned here at TAM, she should!


My wife has O's most of the time. I always offer get her off first just to be sure, but sometimes, she wants to bypass foreplay and go straight to the act.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> I would have no problem doing 'duty sex' for my hubby if his drive was higher than mine. I would view it as fulfilling one of his needs, as he fulfills mine. Maybe I have a stronger need for emotional intimacy than he does, and he does his duty to meet that need for me even when he doesn't feel like it.
> 
> If, however, he WASN'T meeting my needs, then yeah, I'd resent it. But if the rest of the marriage is great, then taking one for the team sometimes wouldn't be a chore at all. Of course this assumes that she isn't doing this every time.


Great points! Thanks!


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

I'm going to chime in here, my input is based on personal experience, forgive me if I preach to the choir. First of all, women have to be in the mood. Remember, men are visual and women are psychological, therefore she needs to be put in the *mood*. One of the best methods of getting her in the *mood* is romance novels (it works like a charm with my wife). This might require some experimentation as I'm sure it varies but you might try romantic conversation, explicit language (talk dirty), compliments or any combination of the above. From what I can gather, women are turned on by being the center of attention.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

nwguy111 said:


> This happens once or twice a week. Should I just keep my mouth shut and go with it?


I don't think so. You need to look into it, because this means she is not into it upwards of half the times you have sex. That seems like to great a chance for resentment to build.

She may well be doing this out of a good place like Hope 1964 suggests, but she may also have resentment or your not ringing her bell or something. Start digging and figuring that out.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You do realize that 3-4 times a week after 20 years is way the hell and gone above average, right?

At that frequency, you just might have to accept some duty sex. Not everyone can "get it up" that often with the same level of enthusiasm every time.

If you let her have a night off when she's not interested, you might find a more willing party the next night.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maybe cut down to 1-2 times a week, and try putting in 1-2 times a week where you concentrate on connecting sexually in a way that she wants, or in sessions that are all about learning her body, and pleasing her. You might find that the duty feeling slips out of her when the focus is totally on her, and pleasing her. And the byproduct might be that she becomes so turned on that she reciprocates; but do not do it with that expectation in mind.

Perhaps a night or two of sensual massage? A day of total body exploration on her, where she tells you exactly what feels good to her. Maybe eat-out Wednesdays? Or have-it-your-way Saturdays? Reading her favorite romance novel to her, or using the vibrator on her the way she likes, or perhaps watching porn that she enjoys. Whatever it is, make it about her, her sexual desires, fantasies, cravings, and needs.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I am very fortunate to have a wife who understand my sexual needs. Simply put, my wife is LD and I am HD. My wife is satisfied in having sex 1-2 times a week. She knows I need it at least 4 times in a given week. If it's more than three days of not having an orgasm I tend to feel full and achy down there. I also throb and sometimes leak. I asked my doctor about this and he said my body produces a higher volume of semen which is evident when I ejaculate. :smthumbup: Either way my wife knows this and is willing to compromise. For example, in the middle of the week my wife is really not interested in sex but is willing to please me by giving me a hand job after I get out of the shower. She'll lay down with me on the bed with her head resting on my chest and she'll take her time stroking me to a full orgasm. Sometimes she will incorporate a back massage into the session. 

Sometimes she is just not in the mood to do anything and she knows that I need to masturbate. After we got married she took so very tastefully done pictures of herself posing on a bed in sexy underwear and "other" ones for my viewing pleasure. I use the pictures for my solo sessions and sometimes my wife will slip off her panties and lay them on my pillow. My wife is great in giving me my private time and for that I dedicate my complete self to her when we have sex. I always put her pleasure before mine and with that the sex is always hot!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife is LD and I am HD. If she lost the weight, her self esteem would increase drastically, wear those clothes she's always wanted to wear, her sex drive and self esteem would be normal, and everything would flow from that. But you can't force your other half to get in shape. That's up to them alone.

When my wife usually isn't in the mood, I do push her at times because 1 - 2 times a month is nothing. If I got sex 3 - 4 times a week, perfect. I could still every day and sometimes 1 - 4x a day but it's a compromise and unfortunately, we all know it winds up being to the LD person sex drive in the end.....

There are times I would only like to give her oral, rub her back and go to sleep, so its definitely not me all the time.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

NewHubs said:


> I am very fortunate to have a wife who understand my sexual needs. Simply put, my wife is LD and I am HD. My wife is satisfied in having sex 1-2 times a week.


I highly doubt that most people would consider a woman who actually desires sex 1-2 times a week "low drive".


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> see, this is when porn comes in handy.......
> 
> I have no problem with the wife letting me fall asleep early and gettin her groove on to a movie/porn in the living room. and vice versa.


Bury your head in the sand.

Not a great idea at all, for any one in any marriage.

If my husband wasn't giving me the sex I needed I would not trun to other or porn as it just masks the problem and sends the message that it's ok for us not to be sexually connected or turned on by each other.

I would prefer to address the issue and would figure what was really going on.

If it's a health issue like menopause it can be addressed. If a man or a woman is turned off for some reason that can be changed too.

It would be the same if a woman or man were getting emotionally neglected. They shouldn't get their needs met else where they should figure out why their spouse isn't willing to meet them, and address the issue before it cause huge relationship problems.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Bury your head in the sand.
> 
> Not a great idea at all, for any one in any marriage.


It's one thing to be anti-porn, and no one begrudges you that position.

It's entirely another to be telling other people what is and isn't good for their particular relationships.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I flat out told my husband specifically what he should do if he wants to have sex and I don't feel particularly interested (it's something simple and easy). He still doesn't do it. In fact I think it irritated him.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

pink_lady said:


> I flat out told my husband specifically what he should do if he wants to have sex and I don't feel particularly interested (it's something simple and easy). He still doesn't do it. In fact I think it irritated him.


I have to ask, what did he do before to get you interested in sex.


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