# Don't know what to think



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I'm in a whirlwind on thoughts and emotions these days. D-day was last October. My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor/friend. We have NC with OM and a toxic friend since d-day. We moved to a different neighborhood in the same city although not terribly far from our old neighborhood. I've posted my story before so don't want to rehash too much.

Perhaps I'm just triggering because we're right in the middle of one-year from the heart of their EA. I guess I'm frustrated that I still don't trust her. She hasn't done anything to make me suspicious since the EA but I still feel this way. I check every once in a while but never find anything. I'm haunted by the idea that she could lie so easily and convincingly. She has shown remorse and has really connected back to the marriage. I'm just starting to wonder whether I can. I don't let her know because I worry that I may be just going through the roller coaster of emotions from all of this. Some days everything seems fine. 

She and the kids left for a few days on a trip with my in-laws(I couldn't go due to work issues). I decided to view the time alone as what it would be like to be on my own. The scary part is I really have enjoyed the freedom. It has been a long time. They come back late on Wednesday and then I leave Saturday to go on a business trip for a few days and will be alone again. I will wait to see if I still feel that way next week but I feel like I've detached from her. 

Another scary thing is that while she has been gone, I went through her closet to find... well, I don't know what I was looking for at the time. Didn't find anything and don't know why I looked there except it is the only place in the house that is really just "her area". When I was done, I realized that part of me wanted to find something, anything that showed she was cheating again so I could at least have peace and end it. To be honest, it startled me.

Is this normal? Anyone else experience this? I don't plan on doing anything at this point simply because I'm still trying to understand exactly how I feel. This all could change with the ebb and flow of emotions I've been going through and certainly don't want to do anything without thinking it fully through. I have two young kids, 6 and 9, and the thought of not being a full part of their life would be crushing to me. And I still love my wife but had to move to a safe place emotionally to protect myself after the EA. I just don't know if I can get back.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

In The Dark - I'm in the same place. It's been a year and a half since my H's A and I still don't trust him. I don't check everything as often as I did before but I have this never ending unease in my life. 

I did go throgh a few months of thinking that I would prefer to be alone to having to deal with this all of the time. But, I realize that it is just fear. If you look at the truth you can get past this part. Truth is you weren't guaranteed the absence of pain before, you're not with guaranteed it with her, and you won't be guaranteed it if you leave her. As a matter of fact, in that way, you're better off, at least you aren't blind to the possibilities any more. Better to live with open truth than to live in the dark with a false truth full of lies.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks Prize. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I feel. That's why I'm taking it slow. Just know that I don't want to live with that unease the rest of my life. 

Do you think this feeling ever goes away? Are you prepared to live with it if it doesn't? I know there are no guarantees either way but I wonder if the fear is really being on your own vs. living with someone you may never trust again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you had counselling? I think you need some to help you get your mind in order.

You are in a horrible situation. Hopefully it will get better.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

I did the same thing. I kept looking and looking. I guess in retrospect I was looking for evidence so I could end things. I just didn't trust her and I wouldn't let up until I had evidence that she really didn't want to reconcile. Found it and I checked out.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks Matt- we went to MC for about three months. Things seemed to be moving fine then but now I realize I really hadn't processed everything. Now this rollercoaster ride of emotions has taken over. I imagine they will tell me I need to decide whether my family is worth going through all this. I won't be rash. Just processing all the emotions and interested in those on here who've been there/done that.

Cantdecide- how long did you look and wait for? Do you thing you'd still be looking if you hadn't found anything? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Thanks Matt- we went to MC for about three months. Things seemed to be moving fine then but now I realize I really hadn't processed everything. Now this rollercoaster ride of emotions has taken over. I imagine they will tell me I need to decide whether my family is worth going through all this. I won't be rash. Just processing all the emotions and interested in those on here who've been there/done that.
> 
> Cantdecide- how long did you look and wait for? Do you thing you'd still be looking if you hadn't found anything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nah, man! Not MC but IC! Something for you, not for your marriage!

My situation was different to yours. My wife told me she was going to have an affair, but would come back to me. But she reminded me that she loved me.

She had the affair and came back to me, but I felt utterly crushed. 

But! We are still together, 15+ years later, so, anything is possible!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I'm in a whirlwind on thoughts and emotions these days. D-day was last October. My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor/friend. We have NC with OM and a toxic friend since d-day. We moved to a different neighborhood in the same city although not terribly far from our old neighborhood. I've posted my story before so don't want to rehash too much.
> 
> Perhaps I'm just triggering because we're right in the middle of one-year from the heart of their EA. I guess I'm frustrated that I still don't trust her. She hasn't done anything to make me suspicious since the EA but I still feel this way. I check every once in a while but never find anything. I'm haunted by the idea that she could lie so easily and convincingly. She has shown remorse and has really connected back to the marriage. I'm just starting to wonder whether I can. I don't let her know because I worry that I may be just going through the roller coaster of emotions from all of this. Some days everything seems fine.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Nah, man! Not MC but IC! Something for you, not for your marriage!
> 
> My situation was different to yours. My wife told me she was going to have an affair, but would come back to me. But she reminded me that she loved me.
> 
> ...


I knew you meant IC. Sorry for the confusion. I've thought about it but feel that ultimately, it will come down to whether it is worth it to me...what I'm willing to live with. 

Your situation sounds like it was rough. Glad you guys were able to work through it. Are you guys at a good place now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

She killed your TRUST my friend. She dealt your trust a death blow, just like you see on those old kung fu movies, and for a year now your trust in her has been withering away until nothing is left. 

That's what happens when a spouse cheats on his/her partner. 

What you are feeling is totally honest and understandable. 

Tell her how you are feeling. Tell her that your trust in her is dead, gone, dust. See what she says.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Thanks Matt- we went to MC for about three months. Things seemed to be moving fine then but now I realize I really hadn't processed everything. Now this rollercoaster ride of emotions has taken over. I imagine they will tell me I need to decide whether my family is worth going through all this. I won't be rash. Just processing all the emotions and interested in those on here who've been there/done that.
> 
> Cantdecide- how long did you look and wait for? Do you thing you'd still be looking if you hadn't found anything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It didn't look long, maybe a month. Found what I needed. My WW had lied to me sooo many times that I didn't trust anything she said. She kept slipping up and saying things wrong. Like............I want to reconcile with you but still be friends with AP. Oops!! I kept snooping and asking questions and demanding transparency. Her house of cards finally came tumbling down. She couldn't keep track of all her lies. Even when she was showing remorse, I just couldn't put my guard down. She was still using the AP as a backup in case things didn't work out with me. I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to wake up each day wondering if she was really at work or at the AP house.

And yes, I'd still be snooping to this day. Probably not as much but I became very distrusting of her and her fake remorse. I felt like she wanted me to find something so I'd file for divorce. That way she wasn't to blame.?!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

In The Dark said:


> Do you think this feeling ever goes away? Are you prepared to live with it if it doesn't? I know there are no guarantees either way but I wonder if the fear is really being on your own vs. living with someone you may never trust again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm 3 years out... Does it ever go away?

In truth, not really. It changes, it dulls, it takes a back seat to the current, pressing needs in a marriage, but in reality, the feeling is always just a random thought away while tucked into a safe place. 

And make no mistake... both the unfaithful and the betrayed experience this.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

spudster said:


> She killed your TRUST my friend. She dealt your trust a death blow, just like you see on those old kung fu movies, and for a year now your trust in her has been withering away until nothing is left.
> 
> That's what happens when a spouse cheats on his/her partner.
> 
> ...


In The Dark,

Spudtser gave you sound advice.

Tell your wife onestly how you feel. Let her know. And see what she has to say.

IC is aslo good for you but you are married with a family. 

So talk to her, tell her how you are feeling. She created this mess the least she can do is help you or support you through it.

Especially if she loves you! So let the rubber meet the road and have that conversation with her.

HM64


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Boy oh boy, I canj identify with everything, i mean everything you said. And thanks to all the respoders because they are all things for me to consider. I only 2 weeks post d-day. My God i had no idea how awful and crushing it is. You truly don't know if you have gone through this like us. I discovered the affair, my H was devastated, and was genuinely torn up at what he did to me and him and our kids. He is doing everything he can. He is ic and so am i, and in a few weeks wil do marriage counseling. The trust is so hard, i have caught lies and lies but didnt want to believe them. I have alot guilt over my addiction issues and surgeries for chrohns disease. He said he has had a resentment since I stopped drinking 3 years ago, and have be4e4n clean from pain pills for almost a year. 
My h definitely has a binge drinking problem, which he acknowledges which he says that is when he let it all out including an affair.
Sorry to take over your thread, but just wanted to le4t you you are not alone...thanks for post and all the replies


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> It didn't look long, maybe a month. Found what I needed. My WW had lied to me sooo many times that I didn't trust anything she said. She kept slipping up and saying things wrong. Like............I want to reconcile with you but still be friends with AP. Oops!! I kept snooping and asking questions and demanding transparency. Her house of cards finally came tumbling down. She couldn't keep track of all her lies. Even when she was showing remorse, I just couldn't put my guard down. She was still using the AP as a backup in case things didn't work out with me. I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to wake up each day wondering if she was really at work or at the AP house.
> 
> And yes, I'd still be snooping to this day. Probably not as much but I became very distrusting of her and her fake remorse. I felt like she wanted me to find something so I'd file for divorce. That way she wasn't to blame.?!


Thanks for sharing CD. My wife has tried and seems to be remorseful. She's very much an avoider so she wanted to move past everything as fast as possible. I was the stereotypical nice guy so even post EA, I was trying to make her happy by rushing through the counseling. Only after did I really start processing everything. This site has taught me a lot but also helped raised my awareness. 

Question for you(or anybody really)...did you/do you have distrustful feelings for people you dated after your divorce? Does it stay with you?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

RWB said:


> And make no mistake... both the unfaithful and the betrayed experience this.


RWB - just curious what you meant by this. Do you mean the unfaithful feel guilt for what they did or long to have the rush of the affair again?

Part of my thought process is that since the affair is like an addictive drug, do the unfaithful deep down, miss and want to get that high again?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

serenity 02030 said:


> Boy oh boy, I canj identify with everything, i mean everything you said. And thanks to all the respoders because they are all things for me to consider. I only 2 weeks post d-day. My God i had no idea how awful and crushing it is. You truly don't know if you have gone through this like us. I discovered the affair, my H was devastated, and was genuinely torn up at what he did to me and him and our kids. He is doing everything he can. He is ic and so am i, and in a few weeks wil do marriage counseling. The trust is so hard, i have caught lies and lies but didnt want to believe them. I have alot guilt over my addiction issues and surgeries for chrohns disease. He said he has had a resentment since I stopped drinking 3 years ago, and have be4e4n clean from pain pills for almost a year.
> My h definitely has a binge drinking problem, which he acknowledges which he says that is when he let it all out including an affair.
> Sorry to take over your thread, but just wanted to le4t you you are not alone...thanks for post and all the replies


No worries. Sorry that you are in this situation but am glad you found this site. I read mostly but have learned so much. I'm 9-10 post d-day and it still affects my everyday life. 

And sorry to hear about your crohn's disease. My wife has it so I know how difficult it can be. 

BTW, it seems that you are saying your husband had resentment from when you were drinking and that is what caused the affair(along with his binge drinking). Please don't buy that. You must take responsibility for what you did(ie drinking, addictions, etc.) but he must take responsibility for what he did(having an affair). Don't let him blame shift. Cheaters often look for anything to blame the affair on so they don't feel as guilty. One thing I learned here on TAM.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

In The Dark said:


> RWB - just curious what you meant by this. Do you mean the unfaithful feel guilt for what they did or long to have the rush of the affair again?
> 
> Part of my thought process is that since the affair is like an addictive drug, do the unfaithful deep down, miss and want to get that high again?


If your spouse does show remorse, totally focuses on the marriage and real R does happen... The intense pain they caused and the lasting hurt are never forgotten either. No one get a free ride really in an affair, regardeless of Reconcilation or Divorce.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I'm in a whirlwind on thoughts and emotions these days. D-day was last October. My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor/friend. We have NC with OM and a toxic friend since d-day. We moved to a different neighborhood in the same city although not terribly far from our old neighborhood. I've posted my story before so don't want to rehash too much.
> 
> Perhaps I'm just triggering because we're right in the middle of one-year from the heart of their EA. I guess I'm frustrated that I still don't trust her. She hasn't done anything to make me suspicious since the EA but I still feel this way. I check every once in a while but never find anything. I'm haunted by the idea that she could lie so easily and convincingly. She has shown remorse and has really connected back to the marriage. I'm just starting to wonder whether I can. I don't let her know because I worry that I may be just going through the roller coaster of emotions from all of this. Some days everything seems fine.
> 
> ...


It's all normal.

You likely love your wife but do not feel safe, protected and special in the relationship with her. 

Affairs destroy marriages. It is well known, and it is the very reason I never succumbed to any temptations. 

My marriage was too important to me. 

I am sorry you are here. 

It seems to me the distrust and suspicion never leaves a BS. IMO, why should it. 

There are people her on tam whose spouses cheated 20 years ago, yet they are still talking about the affair and thinking about it. 

It's a tough place to be in.

After Dday my stbeh gave me the i love you but I am not in love with you speech. 

Well, now that is how I feel about him. So sad.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

RWB said:


> I'm 3 years out... Does it ever go away?
> 
> In truth, not really. It changes, it dulls, it takes a back seat to the current, pressing needs in a marriage, but in reality, the feeling is always just a random thought away while tucked into a safe place.
> 
> And make no mistake... both the unfaithful and the betrayed experience this.


Can you clarify?

What way to both WS and BS feel. Hurt, humiliated, sad, distrustful?

And, why?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Question for you(or anybody really)...did you/do you have distrustful feelings for people you dated after your divorce? Does it stay with you?


I was cheated on in my early 20s by the first serious long term exclusive relationship I had. 

It was only an exclusive relationship and I had nothing vested in it so it was easier to dump him and move on. 

I did not distrust other people I dated after him, though. I was more cautious however. 

Still, here I am married to a guy i thought was a really nice guy and I have been cheated on again. 

I think I was too trustful and never snooped and gave him too much freedom to go out alone. 

So, I dunno' Maybe I should be distrustful and snoopy next time and possessive next time. 

I read somewhere that jealous possessive spouses are cheated on far less than easy going spouses. 

The really sad thing is that in the midst of STBEH's affair, a friend asked me if I thought my spouse would ever cheat on me, and I said no and went on about how trustworthy he was. 

I now wonder if she knew about his affair but like so many people was afraid to butt in and tell me the truth.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Thanks for sharing CD. My wife has tried and seems to be remorseful. She's very much an avoider so she wanted to move past everything as fast as possible. I was the stereotypical nice guy so even post EA, I was trying to make her happy by rushing through the counseling. Only after did I really start processing everything. This site has taught me a lot but also helped raised my awareness.
> 
> Question for you(or anybody really)...did you/do you have distrustful feelings for people you dated after your divorce? Does it stay with you?



I will always distrust the ex wife. But then again, she continues to lie to me to this day.

As far as dating others, at first it was hard to completely trust. I had a few triggers involving cell calls and especially text messages. My current girlfriend has had all this explained to her and is VERY open and honest about everything. She has really helped me thru some of my trust issues. I completely trust her but even so, her cell phone sometimes triggers feelings. Not about her mind you, just bad memories. I do trigger a bit over facebook. Even if my kids are on there I just have to walk away. I can't take that c**p.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> .
> 
> After Dday my stbeh gave me the i love you but I am not in love with you speech.
> 
> Well, now that is how I feel about him. So sad.


I understand. I'm trying to see if this is how I feel or if this is just a wave of emotion that will change. 

BTW, you mentioned maybe you were too trusting and maybe you should be more jealous/possessive. I think that people who cheat will cheat no matter which way you are. The right person won't cheat if you are really trusting with them or even if you are super jealous/possessive(although that would be a hard trait for me to personally live with).


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> I will always distrust the ex wife. But then again, she continues to lie to me to this day.
> 
> As far as dating others, at first it was hard to completely trust. I had a few triggers involving cell calls and especially text messages. My current girlfriend has had all this explained to her and is VERY open and honest about everything. She has really helped me thru some of my trust issues. I completely trust her but even so, her cell phone sometimes triggers feelings. Not about her mind you, just bad memories. I do trigger a bit over facebook. Even if my kids are on there I just have to walk away. I can't take that c**p.


I'm glad you have found someone that can work with you on the triggers. The cell phone/texting is still a big trigger with me. I hear that ding and like Pavlov's dog, I'm back in the middle of it. Wish I could break that somehow.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I was just thinking this afternoon, as I was in a sandwich shop and watched a man eating alone smile at his cell phone, that sometimes I would like to take all cell phones and smash them to smithereens. I wondered sadly if I will always have some of those associations, forever.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sara8 said:


> Can you clarify?
> 
> What way to both WS and BS feel. Hurt, humiliated, sad, distrustful?
> 
> And, why?


Sara,

Your questions are very telling... As the betrayed spouse my emotions were/are all over the place.

Yes, I was hurt (still am) distrustful? How could you ever fully trust again. My wife and I are still together (3 years hence DDay)... she knows that I will never trust her like before, just the way it is.

Humiliated? for a while... but every betrayed spouse feels that. After the fact, don't we all say... "How did I not see this coming", "It is so obvious now", "I feel like a fool". My counselor told me to just get in line. It is just the way a loyal, trusting spouse gets betrayed.

As for her... She was exposed to her entire Family (grown kids, living Parents, In-Laws, and the rest). She had been painted as the loving, nurturing, spouse that did no wrong. The truth of 6+ years of Emotional/Sexual Long term affairs after 25+ years of marriage destroyed her. All know she was nothing more than a fake, a charade. She had lied to all including her own life giving parents. The affairs are nothing but pain to her. They can't be undone. Do you understand? You can re-build a damaged car or house, but you can never un-cheat. A bell once rung can never be un-rung. She will forever live with the selfishness, the danger, the recklessness of her affairs. 

In MC, she told me that the affairs were dangerous, but very exciting, thrilling. She never really thought out the end game. To all involved it is a complete nightmare. 

All this being said. I am a fighter, survivor. I don't give up easy. I took my vows forever and ever. As I had written her before... it was her decision more than mine for the future.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> Is this normal? Anyone else experience this?


Damn right it's normal. Immediately after DDay, I went thru all her stuff, including her many purses. Know what I found? On a piece of paper, a 4 digit number. Turns out it was her PIN for her Pennytalk account, AND it was a combination of her birthday and OM's birthday. I also found written on an envelope, an address. It didn't take me long to find out that it was OMs address. At the time I asked her why the frak did she have his address, and she said he gave it to her. I only found out later it was so she could send him a polo shirt and a rosary.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I understand. I'm trying to see if this is how I feel or if this is just a wave of emotion that will change.
> 
> BTW, you mentioned maybe you were too trusting and maybe you should be more jealous/possessive. I think that people who cheat will cheat no matter which way you are. The right person won't cheat if you are really trusting with them or even if you are super jealous/possessive(although that would be a hard trait for me to personally live with).


I agree, the right person will never cheat. They are typically mature, and givers, and can foresee the ramifications of their actions.

Still, There is research to support that a possessive suspicious spouse (but not needing to be jealous) can curtail an affair. They do this by taking away opportunity. 

For example no boy or girl's nights out, no men or girl trips. 

You put the kibosh to any opposite friendships, etc. 

You snoop through their stuff. 

I was never a snooper and I was never possessive, and I allowed both Boy's night out and men's only camping trips. 

I later learned beyond doubt that my spouse was using both to meet up with his OW. 

Yes, a determined cheater can still cheat no matter what, but the opportunistic cheater can be waylaid with vigilance. 

The question is: Do you wanna play spouse cop for the rest of your life to a proven cheater?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I was just thinking this afternoon, as I was in a sandwich shop and watched a man eating alone smile at his cell phone, that sometimes I would like to take all cell phones and smash them to smithereens. I wondered sadly if I will always have some


Yep, IMO, it will always be a trigger. 

There are a lot of triggers for me. Seeing an email, is a trigger, my husband would email his OW while he lay in bed next to me. 

I would often notice this goony smile come over his face when seeing an email, and I would ask him what he was smiling about, and it was always something a friend said. I never imagined he meant a GIRLFRIEND.

The sad things, is I was happy even though things were not perfect in the marriage. What marriage is perfect?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I agree, the right person will never cheat. They are typically mature, and givers, and can foresee the ramifications of their actions.
> 
> Still, There is research to support that a possessive suspicious spouse (but not needing to be jealous) can curtail an affair. They do this by taking away opportunity.
> 
> ...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I was cheated on in my early 20s by the first serious long term exclusive relationship I had.
> 
> It was only an exclusive relationship and I had nothing vested in it so it was easier to dump him and move on.
> 
> ...


I know for a fact that, had I been even a tiny amount un trusting then I would have at least caught my WW's affair early on and probably it could not have started.

I challenged my WW on many occasions about OBVIOUS signs - staying out late, mobile phone bills off the scale etc. 

I didn't check where she was ONCE and I could have - she always used the same friend's house as an excuse and all I had to do was ring them ONCE. I saw hundreds of texts on a phone bill and all I had to do was ring one of them ONCE.

She used to keep contraceptive pills in her work bag (I had the snip years ago) and all I had to do was check it ONCE.

I knew in my heart and mind about her EA 3 years before her PA started and all I had to do was put my foot down ONCE.

I didn't and now our family is wrecked. It is tempting to see it as my fault, but she chased a known philanderer and some of my trust was based on the misguided notion that nobody would have been so stupid as to want to be with such a douche.

Ho hum...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Sara8 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree, the right person will never cheat. They are typically mature, and givers, and can foresee the ramifications of their actions.
> ...


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I'm glad you have found someone that can work with you on the triggers. The cell phone/texting is still a big trigger with me. I hear that ding and like Pavlov's dog, I'm back in the middle of it. Wish I could break that somehow.


Me too. And all the live cams and web chats. My God, in my own home, while we all lay sleeping. Smash them all.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I know for a fact that, had I been even a tiny amount un trusting then I would have at least caught my WW's affair early on and probably it could not have started.
> 
> I challenged my WW on many occasions about OBVIOUS signs - staying out late, mobile phone bills off the scale etc.
> 
> ...


I hear you. I hadn't a clue until I received anonymous letters. 

Nevertheless, it's not your fault. I am still struggling with the fact that my STBEH chucked our marriage for the type of woman he ALWAYS claimed he was not attracted too. 

That is a dimwitted, dependent, spendy, plump, flirtatious low life who was a serial cheater. 

Sigh


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> In The Dark said:
> 
> 
> > I think contact OMW might be cathartic, if she is aware of what is going on. I am sure if she is out of the shock and denial phase, she is on your side.
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There you have it. The OM spun his story just right and the OMW bought it. Its less painful for her to simply sweep it under the rug. We see this all the time here in the forum from newly BSs, in their denial they get angry or defensive, calling us bitter or jaded. 

You and your WW need to go total NC with this couple. No sleepovers, or things of that nature.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I agree, the right person will never cheat. They are typically mature, and givers, and can foresee the ramifications of their actions.


Not sure I agree with this.

Over the years I've seen a number of marriages undone by infidelity. Sometimes it was serial cheaters and sometimes one partner was in a bad place and made a horrible choice.

The challenge is to know which is which sometimes. And even when the cheating was understandable the marriage may not survive.

We are all wired to lust. And we all sometimes underestimate our feelings and passions, and make mistakes.

Life is hard.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should seek an individual counselor that has experience with infidelity and PTSD. Posters here that are veterans say the trauma of adultery is just as bad as being in a battle.

Good luck and take care of yourself.


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

In The Dark said:


> That last line is one I have thought about a lot. I don't want to live the rest of my life as a warden, trying to keep someone in that wants to get out. I don't think my wife wants out but the triggers and trust issues still get me acting that way. I just don't want to be doing this 3, 5, 10 years down the line. Not a way to live.


I've been asking myself this question for over a year now, and my wife's EA was relatively mild.

I have started to notice that thoughts of the OM and the crazy jealous thoughts are fading. They're certainly not gone, and I'm still way too suspicious IMO, but I take heart that it will fade to a normal level. I have my days though...Man, do I.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> There you have it. The OM spun his story just right and the OMW bought it. Its less painful for her to simply sweep it under the rug. We see this all the time here in the forum from newly BSs, in their denial they get angry or defensive, calling us bitter or jaded.
> 
> You and your WW need to go total NC with this couple. No sleepovers, or things of that nature.


Yep...she bought it hook, line and sinker. I can't control that though. 

Unfortunately, we can't go total NC with this couple. She's a teacher at my kids school and their kids go there too. We will see them at school events. Contact is only with OMW and only about school related items. I did put that limitation on it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I read somewhere that jealous possessive spouses are cheated on far less than easy going spouses.


I wonder how true this is. I have never thought of this possibility. I think some healthy jealousy and possessiveness is probably a good thing? 

I think there may be some good that would come from keeping that possibility as something to be careful and mindful of in a relationship. It would mean the other partner would be mindful of this more so than in a relationship where there is total and blind trust and freedom. 

Though there would have to be boundaries to the jealousy...it could easily become claustrophobic and push the partner away.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I'm glad you have found someone that can work with you on the triggers. The cell phone/texting is still a big trigger with me. I hear that ding and like Pavlov's dog, I'm back in the middle of it. Wish I could break that somehow.


Whenever someone calls or texts, my man announces who it is. That has helped me a lot. And it wasn't something I asked of him. He just did it.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

NO CONTACT !! and stick to your guns. Stop playing games with your marriage. omw is an enabler, so she is no friend of your marriage. if ya'll meet at school functions, that is the perfect time to STATE to them ALL. We WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS AGAIN, and if my wife have anyhing to do with you at all, I will D her as*. 

PLZ get over this nice guy bull you are trying to be. this is your family !!!!


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