# How do I find the strength to leave?



## cinnamorollin (Nov 20, 2009)

I love my husband and I still have very strong feelings for him. I believe he also feels the same way for me. So I'm having a very hard time accepting the fact that it's not going to work out.


The main problem that's really putting a strain on our marriage is that although he loves me and cares for me, I don't think he is ready for a full commitment to me. 

We are pretty young. Most people our ages are not married...although I do know of some who are. I'm 20 and he's 22. Although I'm even younger than him, I feel ready to be committed. I am not sure if it's a gender difference or what. 


We have been together for five and a half years. We are eachother's first everything. We dated for two years before moving in together, and it seems like our relationship has been going downhill since then. Although our relationship was not that great after living together for one year, when his mother suggested we get married, we did. It was kind of weird actually.


I wanted to be married but I knew deep down that he did not. I let my emotions control me and I married him. I was happy to be married to him, but I knew it was a bad decision. I knew he didn't want to marry me because just a few days before deciding to get married we had a serious discussion about the fact that he "did NOT want to get married." 


Throughout the two years that we've been married, the bad outweighs the good. It's like we'll go through periods of time where everything seems so great...then I'll get this gut feeling something's not right, look at the phone records or check his emails, and I'll discover he's being unfaithful to me.

So when I look back at the time we've been married, the bad outweighs the good. For example I'll think of the time when he took me out for my birthday and we had such a great time. Then I'll remember that he was texting his friend "Ray" the whole time, and then I'll remember when I found out it was not "Ray" but a female (still unidentified to me). Throughout our marriage he has had alot of emotional affairs that I believe didn't turn physical only because either the girls weren't interested, or I stopped him in his tracks. It's still unclear to me the definite details of the affairs that seemed like they were physical...but I know for sure of atleast one and more likely than not two more were also physical. 

During one of our good "periods" I got pregnant. This was after a separation and what I thought was a reconcilliation.....turns out he wasn't sincere in his so-called attempts to love me the way he should. Not only has his behavior not changed, but he shows no remorse and refuses to even talk to me about anything. I suppose he'd care to talk if it were me being unfaithful to him on a constant basis. But that's the way it goes.

I have decided to leave him in late may or early june. By that time the baby will be two or three months old, and I will have returned to work full-time. He and I have discussed this,but I don't think he really believes I will leave. If he does believe me, his lack of concern is really scary. I have a place set up & I will do fine financially. The only thing missing will be my husband. 


Since we've discussed me leaving, we get along much better. I suppose we both like the fact that there's an end to all of this...but his reasons for feeling that way are much different than mine. He's most likely happy that he can do as he pleases and experience what he thinks is real- life, and I'm happy that I will no longer have the stress of trying to keep a man that doesn't want to be faithful.

Still...I have alot of second thoughts. I still love him so much and sometimes it makes me forget about everything that he's done & all of the reasons I should leave. I find myself trying to think of reasons I should stay. I am so worried that I am making the wrong decision for my son by not having his father in the home with him.

How do I find the strength to follow through with my decision to leave? If anyone has been in the situation where they left, how did you do it without feeling like you were making a huge mistake? And how do you let go of someone who says they love you and treat you nicely, but cheats on you all the time? How do you let go of the memory of who your spouse USED to be? This is so hard. I wish he would admit to the things he's done and tell me he didn't want to be with me...it would be so much easier.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Why not have a serious talk with him and ask him what he really wants? His cheating is almost compulsive, seems like he's doing it because he hates being tied down more than for the actual idea or pleasure of being with someone else. 

As on the subject of deciding to leave....you just make a decission and stick to it, in my opinion. You say...'i've decided to leave' and stick to it, regardless of what you may feel or think the next day. Whether it's a huge mistake or not, only you can know. Best strategy is to try everything you can think of to work things out, and if nothing works, you know you did your best and you leave. 

While you can tolerate his cheating now, because of it you might just loose all your self esteem over time and become completely unsure of your own worth. That's a situation where it will be hard to recover and rebuild your life, so love yourself above anyone else and make sure you don't get to that point.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with his need to contact other women, that's a huge red flag to me. He does indicate that he is not ready for the one woman relationship.... A husband doesn't do that if he is committed to his marriage.
Your child is young enough to not have any effects on him as long as your husband remains in his life....
It's always scary to think about leaving someone, you can call it a trial separation and just see what kind of reaction you get from him....if it is important to him he will fight for his family, if he just walks away then you will know it just wasn't to be between the two of you...
I think your indecision is a normal reaction I think everyone that separates goes through the same thinking process, no one really knows what the future will bring, but you just have to stick to a decision you make and do it for you and your child, everything from there will work it's self out...
good luck


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## cinnamorollin (Nov 20, 2009)

Talking to my husband about what he wants is like pulling teeth. He claims he can't talk to me because he doesn't want me to get emotional.He doesn't want to be married, but he doesn't want to be divorced. One minute he says it's best for us to go our separate ways, and then later on he'll say that he wants to be with me. I am hearing alot of talk from him, but it's obvious from his actions that he doesn't want to be with me. He's not fighting for his family, he's just trying to get by on an apology, and if I go, it's all MY fault because I wouldn't accept his apology. Apologies mean nothing to me at this point because although he claims he loves me and wants things to work he' still behaving the same way. He still hides his phone, he still doesn't like for me to be near him when he's checking his emails, he is still in contact with the other women, and so on. If I could leave today it'd be so much easier. It's just so hard having to be here until after I can return to work from maternity leave.


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