# Can I win my girlfriend back?



## sulo1981 (Oct 13, 2012)

Hello all.

We are having hard times. We been together for 3 years 4 months. We already have 2 years old child. We had issues before due to my mother came to see us unannounced from oversees and she wanted me to put her in hotel. I try to convince her and she said it is fine, she will go to her friend. But it was not fine. Since then(it has been 1.5years since then). Ever since, she gets frustrated everything I do. Even very little things. We are not officially married. I tried to tell her a few times I want to get married to her officially. But we had complicated work and insurance status, so it was complicated. But I wanted to purpose anyways. 

Stupid me, first we had an argument for something small right before the Valentines days. I was planning to purpose her. I am not very romantic or creative when it comes to relation ship. I did not have many girl friend, and the ones I had did not last long due to insecurity I had(my job was far from prestigious, language, financial and no time due to work). 

Anyways, I came up with this idea. I was going to pain(I am terrible painter) me on my knees purposing her and showing a ring. I wrote her a nice poem. And stick a cheap ring to the card(it was a place holder till the next day I take her to jewelery store. She is so picky). 

Now she thinks I humiliated her. In my head it was going to be funny, but nice. But she thinks I humiliated her. She thinks this is a joke for me. Now she wants to leave me. She said moment is passed. I had so much time to purpose and now I ruined it all. 

However, it always goes back to 18 months ago to the issue with my mother. She thinks I did not stick up with her.

She has no family and my family is not reliable and they are oversees. 

Is she over reacting or I totally screwed up. I know I could have done better job purposing, but I started to think whatever I do was not gonna cut it due to the this issue. 


She said she cant forgive and she cant forget. 
Also I screwed up anothertime when I did not introduce her to my family when we were dating or she was pregnant(earl stage). But not because I did not want to. I am just not good with the family. I am 10.000 miles away and since I been her in US, I call them once in 2-3 months at best. 

already? Also we have no sex life even since she was pregnant or before all these issues started. Her reasoning is she does not feel pretty anymore.

Is there a hope for me? I really love her and I could have handled things differently, If I had a second chance. But what's done is done. I really love her and I do not want to give up on her. We also have a child together. I feel like even things get better, she will just stay with me for the child. But I want her to love me again.

Is there anyways to fix it? or I screwed up so many times


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

sulo1981 said:


> Hello all.
> 
> We are having hard times. We been together for 3 years 4 months. We already have 2 years old child. We had issues before due to my mother came to see us unannounced from oversees and she wanted me to put her in hotel. I try to convince her and she said it is fine, she will go to her friend. But it was not fine. Since then(it has been 1.5years since then). Ever since, she gets frustrated everything I do. Even very little things. We are not officially married. I tried to tell her a few times I want to get married to her officially. But we had complicated work and insurance status, so it was complicated. But I wanted to purpose anyways.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like there are a few issues and some of them sound similar to my own experiences with my ex-wife.

The first it seems is that the two of you do not share the ability to communicate on a deep and connected level. This ability allows you to calmly detail your worries, concerns and problems with each other, without judgement and then the ability to come together and find a solution that is suitable for both of you.

The second issue is more worrying. It sounds like your partner is unable to tell you CLEARLY what it is she is upset about. This can be caused by her own inabilities, insecurities or simply a lack of concern for your problems. A lack of empathy or concern for others as I found in my ex-wife. If this is the case, it will be very difficult for you.

It also sounds like perhaps you may be emotionally dependent on this woman for your own happiness. Be it approval you seek or some other form of acceptance, flattery, attention or love, you should be aware of this need you place on her. Don't discount this observation as it may require the help of a counsellor to observe this.

I would strongly advise you to talk to your partner and tell her the following;

- that you care for her,
- that you want a future with her,
- that you want to work together to resolve whatever it is that is causing troubles in your relationship,

Then I suggest you propose going to a relationship counsellor as assistance for both of you to start opening up about your problems.

Finally, I suggest you also see a personal counsellor and start to discuss your own feelings. Find out what your troubles are in the relationship, why you are not romantic etc etc. Become a better man.

This process can be very rewarding but I would give you the following warnings;

- DO NOT tell your partner that you will do anything for her. This is a partnership. It is about coming together, not about one person's happiness or selfishness.
- DO NOT profess your unconditional love for this woman. Tell her you love and care for her, but do not lower yourself to be in her service.
- Ensure that BOTH of your needs are being met during the process. DO NOT compromise on your NEEDS during this process or the issue will not be resolved.
- Take care to stay on topic and do not discuss topics that you feel are not at the root of what is problematic in the relationship.
- Try to avoid talking about details or events that one or both of you are unhappy with that have taken place. They are SYMPTOMS of the problem. Try re-focussing the discussion on the actual PROBLEM, or ask questions as to WHY.

I would site an example.
If you go to counselling and your partner says that she hates that you side with your mother, DON'T deny it. Ask what makes you think I do? Then ask what is it specifically about my relationship with my mother that upsets you? The ask, is there something in our relationship that you think is missing? 
Keep moving toward the root cause.

Good luck.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Honestly, she didn't leave you because the proposal went poorly. If she really loved you, she would see through any goof on the proposal and say yes anyway. If anything, I'm guessing she hasn't been committed to the relationship for a while now anyway, and the proposal caught her off guard. Knowing that she doesn't want to marry you anyway, the proposal probably just made her feel angry and embarrassed, and made her realize it was time to walk away since you and she have clearly viewed the relationship very differently.

The relationship may have started to take a downward turn 18 months ago when your mother visited, but that also isn't going to be the main reason she's left you now. Everything else you've said, to me anyway, makes it sound like she mentally/emotionally exited the relationship a while ago, and is only just now making it official since you tried to propose.

I understand that you love her, but it sounds like she is not going to be responsive AT ALL to your continued efforts to "win her back" and I think the best thing you could do for yourself (And for her) is if you basically walk away at this point. If anything, if she does actually care for you but just hasn't been able to recognize that, you're walking away will help her realize that and reconsider. But if you keep trying to push her and "win her back", you are just going to push her further away.


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## sulo1981 (Oct 13, 2012)

Thanks for responses. You both make sense. I will let this go with the flow and see how it turns out. I really want to spend rest of my love with her. But, if she is not going to be happy with me, I dont want to be with someone will hate me rest of her life.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

sulo1981 said:


> Thanks for responses. You both make sense. I will let this go with the flow and see how it turns out. I really want to spend rest of my love with her. But, if she is not going to be happy with me, I dont want to be with someone will hate me rest of her life.


Yeah, I actually agree with cdbaker.

Perhaps go do some personal counselling, spend more time with mates and family.

Let her know you care for her and are willing to talk about any issues she has if she wants to and just keep moving forward.

It will be tough (I know because I tried it) but good luck.


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