# Consumed with thoughts of infidelity



## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

*Consumed with thoughts of infidelity UPDATE PLEASE READ*

I just joined very recently and just love this site. I posted a thread regarding the possible start of an EA by my husband.

Since I found the message that my husband sent this "female" high school friend, I have been consumed with the thought of his infidelity.

I can't sleep, I can't eat. My heart simply feels like it's breaking.

I have two young kids and I can barely concentrate on them.

I'm trying my best to let this go as I do not have anything concrete but he is so distant and all I can do is feel that he doesn't want me anymore.

We have an incredible night of lovemaking the other night but the emotional connection that I so desperately need at this time is not there. He doesn't hold me in bed at night anymore. 

I want to confront the issue but we have had this conversation before and I have always been insecure so I know that he is going to think, "here we go again". I know that he is at his end with my insecurities so I don't want to bring this up again but I'm miserable and so need his attention right now.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

If your not bring it up you are not being honest. And then you will put up walls. This is not your problem. This is not his problem. This is a relationship problem. You both need to work on this. I would advise not only talking about this....but also talking to each other about your emotional needs. Google that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

So I brought up finding the email to my husband.

I asked him if he was emailing friends on FB. He stated no and I told him that I found the message that he sent to this "female" friend. He stated that he sent her an instant message when he saw that she was online but she became offline and when she did respond, her response went into his FB Inbox.

I was not aware that this did this on FB but he did show me and yes it did do exactly as he stated. I guess I don't chat enough on FB to have noticed this.

He did admit that they chatted every so often but there was nothing to worry about. I want to believe him so bad but my insecurities are preventing me from doing so. 

The conversation did not end in raised voices, yelling, etc so I am hoping that this is a start.

I told him that I wanted to be able to share my fears with him and that getting his take on what happened help me to understand what happened and cleared some of the things I was reading into the email.

However, this am...again, my stomach is in knots. I am so afraid that right now, he is thinking, this woman is never going to believe in our relationship. I am sure that at one point or another, he is eventually going to get tired of my insecurities. I know that he is at a breaking point and I just hope that our conversation last night didn't get him there.

Any feedback, advice, etc would be greatly appreciated.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Share your insecurities, heightened by this email/FB message. 

Tell him you've taken the time to research, and learned that a key to getting past such things in a relationship is open transparency and access to emails, chats, facebook, cellphones -- and you'd greatly appreciate the message of trust it would show if he would open all of his up to you (of course, you must do the same).

If he does, you have an open book and can see exactly what he's doing. You can tak a brief time to understanbd what he is (and/or isn't) doing that is problematic. It won't (and shouldn't) 100% remove any fears, as much can be done underground/not easily traceable, but should give you a good idea just from the discussion alone. If he won't, he's got something to hide and you have your suspicions confirmed and reason to be investigating or taking further action.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

2Xloser is right...complete transparency is key to solving your problem. Nothing on his FB site or on yours for that matter, needs to be secret from one another. Everything should be accessible to both of you.

I am not a fan of FB.....I think it is the gateway drug to harming many relationships. It is always available, always beckoning....go chat with an old fling versus talking out problems with your spouse...that is how it starts. I canceled my FB account and, for a long term solution, I would encourage both you and your husband to do the same. I am NOT saying FB causes affairs, but it does make it easy to start one.


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## disabled (Jun 21, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> 2Xloser is right...complete transparency is key to solving your problem. Nothing on his FB site or on yours for that matter, needs to be secret from one another. Everything should be accessible to both of you.
> 
> I am not a fan of FB.....I think it is the gateway drug to harming many relationships. It is always available, always beckoning....go chat with an old fling versus talking out problems with your spouse...that is how it starts. I canceled my FB account and, for a long term solution, I would encourage both you and your husband to do the same. I am NOT saying FB causes affairs, but it does make it easy to start one.


I have seen personally in real life that Facebook can be a problem grounds for infidelity. I have seen marriages dissolve because of facebook. Also, remember, lawyers use facebook to mine data used in divorce or other legal matters.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Marriages don't dissolve because of FB... just like they don't dissolve because of phones or automobiles or class reunions or alcohol. They dissolve because people make really selfishly bad choices to use the tools at their disposal to betray and cheat on their spouses without regard to their marital vows or any thoughts to the damage they are doing.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

2xloser said:


> Marriages don't dissolve because of FB... just like they don't dissolve because of phones or automobiles or class reunions or alcohol. They dissolve because people make really selfishly bad choices to use the tools at their disposal to betray and cheat on their spouses without regard to their marital vows or any thoughts to the damage they are doing.


"Lead us not into temptation" as the saying goes. Don't ever tell me that FB doesn't accomplish this. I liken it to a drug dealer, recently clean and sober, leaving some crack in the cupboard. FB is a problem for many couples and that is a fact. I am not saying it causes a relationship to fail, but what it does is contribute to its' failure. It is so easy and available AND seemingly innocuous. Why bother talking to your spouse about a problem or concern when you can chat with an old flame about the "good times". 

Everyone who is in a relationship, and is on FB, should ask yourself this question: Have you ever chatted with anyone or done anything on FB that you would not want your significant other to know about? My guess is that the vast majority of people keep some of there activities/contacts secret.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Always, you talk about "MY insecurities" as if you truly own them. Have you alwasy been this way and why is your H at critical mass because of them. Some IC might help you to overcome them and be a little more calm about things. Sometimes when we let our fears run away with us, we bring about what is called a "self-fulfilling prophecy". Try to get a handle on it before you push him too far.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

grizabella, I'm new here so I don't know all the acronyms that people use. I'm not sure what you are saying when you state, "why is your H (husband) at critical mass because of them". What is IC?


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

alwaysnforever said:


> grizabella, I'm new here so I don't know all the acronyms that people use. I'm not sure what you are saying when you state, "why is your H (husband) at critical mass because of them". What is IC?


IC = Individual Counseling


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Transparency is something that even the best of marriages need to have. There should be no secrets between spouses, unless it's over a gift one has gotten for the other. Both spouses should have access to all e-mail, social networking, phone accounts, etc. They should also give each other permission to look at these things at any time they deem necessary and for whatever reason. Complete transparency in a marriage creates accountability and keeps both spouses honest and faithful.


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## wendygirl (Jun 27, 2011)

Install a keylogger and see exactly what he's saying and where he's going and, if he's innocent, your mind can rest. If he's guilty, you have the right to face him head on without doubts about what you know. Email me at [email protected] and I'll explain it to you. Don't keep yourself in the dark. That's what I did & my husband is bending over backwards to make our marriage work. I found out was that he was going to someone else to meet his emotional needs. It was something that gradually grew over the course of 5 1/2 months because of an old friend/romantic interest that he found on Facebook that he hadn't seen in 35 years. He gets what he needs from me now, including sex 16 times in the past 6 weeks (and we are 58). The reason he didn't get it that much before is because we didn't spend the time together, which in itself is a long story - and I only take part of the blame because there were 3 people involved, not just me. WendyGirl


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

fb did it for my stbxh. He found a high school flame or whatever, it started innocently enough, then I found he had sent a song to her and when I confronted him, he said he had sent it to a bunch of people but there was no one else on the string. Then he insisted on a separate computer for me, bought a different cell phone, and the rest is history.

I get my divorce in 5 days. This took exactly 4 months. What a ride!

Fortunately, my mojo will come back!!!!!! I am NOT dead! And I will not be buried!


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