# Husband's History of Coveting other Women...



## angryarmywife (Aug 30, 2011)

I don't know for sure, but I don't think my husband has ever physically cheated on me but I know that he has thought about it (he admitted it to me). We've been together for six years and this has, unfortunately, been a recurring theme in our relationship. He is currently deployed and will be gone for at least another year. I checked his email today and he had e-mails from his sister's husband which included smut as well as an e-mail from one of his fellow soldier's to a link of scantily clad "hot chicks." It may not seem like that big of a deal, but based on the past this is usually just the tip of the ice burg and I am so afraid history will be repeating itself. And what's worse is that I can't say anything about it because 1. I'm invading his privacy and 2. I can't, in good conscience, do anything which may upset him and adversely effect his and/or his soldiers' safety. Last time he was away I know he received similar e-mails and that he also exchanged private messages of a sexual nature over twitter with a woman who also emailed him pictures of herself. I don't know if he sent anything back to her or the full extent of their conversations, I only got the bits and pieces from his e-mail notifications. He completely reformated his computer before coming home so that there wouldn't be any traces of anything. That was very difficult, again because I couldn't call him out on anything. Situations like this go back to the begining of our relationship and the aren't precipitated by any major issues. The first time something happened (~5 1/2 years ago), he had e-mailed another girl he had been talking to during the same time he began talking to me and told her that he still thinks of her and wonder what his life would have been like if he had ended up with her. I called him out on this and he didn't think he was in the wrong and scolded me for checking his e-mail. He was also really big into porn, such that he would watch it and get off so much that he didn't have much energy left for me. I told him that this upset me and he did cut back, but he would be incredibly secretive about it. The worst though was we had an argument and I locked him out of my (our only at the time) laptop. So he went out and bought one for himself and made a profile on fling.com; he even kept this profile after we had reconciled. He had taken pictures of himself from the waist down (using my camera, which was an x-mas gift from him) bur according to him he never posted them. When I was pregnant with our first daughter I really got on him about the porn explaining to him that it hurt my feelings because I looked nothing like the girls he was looking at and it made me feel very bad about myself. So that was when he went out of his way to try hiding it. It's just so ridiculous. I know there are things I'm leaving out and I'm sure there are things that I don't know about. I'm just so saddened by his lack of respect for me and our marriage vows.

Probably, as you're reading this, you must be thinking, "there has got to be something wrong with this lady" but I think I'm a fairly decent catch. I am by no means conservative when it comes to the bedroom, even engaging in a few threesomes with my husband and another woman with which I was completely fine. I've been faithful, I'm not overweight, I have a nice face, I'm well educated, I'm a great cook, I clean the house and watch after the children. I just want my husband to respect and love me as deeply and wholely as I love and respect him. And why does he need to look at and save the pictures of these other women when I know he has the same pictures but with me in them? It just doesn't make sense.

As I typed all of this, the only question that comes to mind is "Why am I still with him?" Half of me wants to donate the contents of all of the care packages which I've dilligently wrapped and send him divorce papers instead.


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

Hello to my fellow Army Wife,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. In no way do I think you are crazy or pathetic or any of those things. He's your husband, you love him, and you took vows before God. In my opinion, the main issue here seems to be immaturity. Because these stupid little twitter chats and weird websites are just plain immature and being a father, I'm surprised that hasn't hit him yet. 1. I dont think you're invading his privacy when looking at his emails. Actually to me that's the only ridiculous thing you said, there shouldn't be very few things IF ANY that are private between husband and wife. I always say to my husband: there is no me, my, I anymore there us, we, and ours. I think what he is doing is extremely immature and innappriate. He seems obsessed with sex and I think you really need to address these issues with him when he comes home. My question to you is, do you believe he loves you? Do you feel it? Does he do nice things, does he fight for your marriage like you do? Think about those things. Have you tried therapy? I know this is also three times as difficult with him being away most of the time, but the second he gets home you need to put it all on the table. Stop worrying so much about what he wants. I'm sure you are a great girl, it's absolutely nothing to do with what you are or are not doing right or wrong. I hope this helps.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Have you looked up any information on addiction to porn?

I see some red flags here. Preferring the porn over you, going out and buying another laptop so he could get his fix.

Perhaps you should get to the bottom of it by installing a keylogger on the computer, AFTER you've looked at some other info on porn addiction. 

Also.......it is NOT you who is faulty, it's him. Addiction would explain a lot of what you described. 

He is blaming you and disrespecting you and not owning up to hurting you.

I'm afraid that he has a whole secret underground thing going on and you have only touched the tip of the iceberg.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You have very low self esteem.

You should have and need clear boundaries. Set them, if he crosses them then move on.

If he's not willing to do the work and treat you as he should, you will find someone who will.

He needs a shocking wake up call.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Reading this makes me sad. It's hard to understand how someone could do some of the things your husband is doing. Frankly you sound like a catch. I understand as a man the draw looking at women. As a visual creature I enjoy seeing them, but as a father I try to keep in mind a level of respect for the person and not get carried away by the desire to admire physical beauty. There was a thread on here about men looking at women and thinking about being with them and it was interesting how many women were surprised by how many men admitted to it. I might not want to "be" with every women I see, but I probably wouldn't mind seeing any of them naked (if they felt so inclined).

If this were only a case of you being bothered by your husband's habit and it were a more moderate habit, I might have thought you were contributing to the stress on the relationship, but you sure sound open minded and extremely accomodating. He is lucky to have someone who cares for so many of his needs so willingly. Any guy would be. 

I'm pretty rigid about cheating, so to me what he is doing sure sounds like he has done so emotionally at the least. You have the right to put your foot down. Looking at anonymous photos is one thing, but talking to former flings and actively getting photos from people you communicate with is a whole different level of interaction. And even on the anonymous stuff, when it interferes with your intimacy, that sounds like a symptom of a problem. Good luck.


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