# Tips For Battling Depression Post Separation?



## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

I'm almost three months into a separation from my wife, with me wanting to work on things in order to restore our family, and her 100 percent detached and moved on. We have two young children; they're dealing with things fairly well, but they're suffering in many ways, as well.

We've both been very amicable. Kids are split 50/50, with the opportunity to see them from time to time during off times. Finances are suddenly tight, but not unmanageable in the short-term. Generally, it's been as smooth a split as one could hope for.

So why then am I so terribly depressed about it all?

While some days are good, with me feeling motivated to exercise, work hard, be a great father, and move forward, others are absolute torture, with every moment from the time I crack my eyes to the time that I close them again at night full of the deepest sadness that I've ever experienced. When I have the kids, I miss our family dynamic; when I don't have the kids, I miss them. When they cry or miss their mother or have questions and concerns about the split, I'm overwhelmed with grief for how they feel and the fact that I can't fix it.

The list goes on.

Given that so many of us are going through this, and most under much worse circumstances than my own, does anyone have any tips about how to get through this? I'm far from suicidal, but I'd be lying if I said that the thought hasn't crossed my mind; how the hell am I supposed to move through months and years of this when every moment can be such a difficult struggle?

From the point of view of a generally emotionally tough guy who has had a fairly steady life over the past 10 years, I just feel like I'm not equipped with whatever it is that's needed to move on gracefully and with confidence and personal security.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Lack of control over your own life can lead to depression.

You want to work it out and rebuild your family and fix the broken dream, your wife wants nothing to do with you.

It's understandable.

Once you break away from the idea that your old life can somehow be fixed and start working towards creating a new one, things will get better. 

That could take some time.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I have a history of full on depression and low moods. For me it took medication along with a mental determination to sort my shyt.

That mental determination is the most important thing. You have to want to sort yourself out for yourself. 

Accept you will have lows. Feeling low isn't the same as being depressed. Depression is a constant inability to see the light, or to even want to.

It's like feeling down but constant and relentless.

The things you have been doing are good ways to battle it but you simply have to accept it won't always be easy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1. Exercise
2. Good family/friend support system
3. New hobby
4. take a class somewhere
5. Sunlight
6. Therapy
7. Get lost in a book, movie, the arts
8. Plan a trip someplace new (doesn't have to be far away)
9. Try a new dish
10. Do something you said you've been meaning to but never have

Anti-depressants if warranted.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Feel your feelings, then let them go. Try not to ruminate on how bad you feel on your bad days. For some people, journaling helps to get it out. Write it all down, then set the journal aside and try to go about doing other things.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Chin up. You will get through this just fine.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Chin up. You will get through this just fine.


How do you know that?

:scratchhead:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get the book "The Mood Cure".

5-HTP, 50 mg, twice per day. Once mid afternoon, once in the evening. It is an amino acid and safe to take. Read the book, it explains the details.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Tips For Battling Depression Post Separation?*



lenzi said:


> How do you know that?
> 
> :scratchhead:


It may sound simplistic but because... If you take that positive attitude, you will.

Depression is a biatch but very beatable.

Deciding you want to beat it is half the battle.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Northern Monkey said:


> It may sound simplistic but because... If you take that positive attitude, you will.
> 
> Depression is a biatch but very beatable.
> 
> Deciding you want to beat it is half the battle.


So all those people in mental institutions, or in therapist offices, or on countless medications for depression.. all they have to do is take a positive attitude and they'll beat it?

Why don't more people know about this?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I'm replying to the thread. Frankly I have no idea what you are replying to?

If you are a reasonably stable person suffering depression from a traumatic event, then yes. A positive attitude and wanting to get better WILL go a long way.

ETA.. no amount of time in therapy or an institute will do much for you if you don't want to beat it. I am curious, in what way will a positive attitude be a bad thing?

I offer my advice and comments from the viewpoint of someone that has battled depression for years. I do not claim to be a professional.

You want to offer an alternative go for it. In your last two posts you have offered nothing constructive for the OP.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Northern Monkey said:


> I'm replying to the thread. Frankly I have no idea what you are replying to?
> 
> If you are a reasonably stable person suffering depression from a traumatic event, then yes. A positive attitude and wanting to get better WILL go a long way.


I was replying to a poster that said the person would be just fine, and I asked how they can be so sure.

You replied to my post and appeared to be saying you will beat it if you take that positive attitude:



Northern Monkey said:


> It may sound simplistic but because... If you take that positive attitude, you will.


So then I replied to your reply of my post because while I agree that a positive attitude is beneficial it's not the whole story. Which you then seemed to agree with me here:



Northern Monkey said:


> Deciding you want to beat it is half the battle.


So on one hand you will beat depression with a positive attitude, on the other, having a positive attitude is half the battle (or it will go a long way, depending on which of your posts we are referencing).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

The fact is, to look at it from another direction, if you don't believe you will get better, you won't. No amount of therapy, or medication, or institutionalization, or anything else will help a depressed person who doesn't want to be helped. 

That's not saying that the opposite is automatically true -- that you will feel better if you want to. Obviously we can all point to examples of this not being true.

For the OP, it's natural that situations like yours could bring about a 'situational depression.' Read up on the stages of grief, and you'll see that a lot of what you're going through is very normal, and a lot of the things that help with that also help with what you're feeling now. If you find that your lows are lasting longer and are getting deeper, and that you're not having times when you can motivate yourself to exercise, get out of the house, etc., don't feel bad about asking your doctor for a temporary med. Eat healthy. Things like vitamins B and D are known to help with mood, and many Americans don't get enough in their diets. Resist self-medicating with alcohol or pot. Try to set yourself a sleep schedule and stick to it -- this is really important if your depression manifests itself in either insomnia or sleeping too much. 

If you find yourself with extra time on your hands and you don't know what to do with yourself, I'd suggest finding a place where you can volunteer in your community. The Humane Society, a food bank, homeless shelter, your church, your kids' schools, etc. It gets you out of the house, and helping people helps you feel better, too.

As many of us know from personal experience, sometimes you really have to force yourself to do any of this. It seems futile, and like you just don't have the energy. But when I've done it, I know I've rarely, if ever, regretted it.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

So instead of offering your own advice, you want to argue semantics and shades of meaning behind others?

Hell, your own post says to look forwards not back.. that in itself surely entails having a positive outlook on that forwards view?

I don't get what your issue with advising someone to try to remain positive and have belief they will battle through is?

Frankly i have better things to do that defend my advice or support with someone that doesn't even offer a counter argument.

I maintain my view. A positive outlook and belief he can beat it will do wonders for the OP and any other help he may or may not need would need to be built upon that. Offer an alternative by all means. The OP can then take what he wants from each viewpoint.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Have you been to IC at all?

My family has a long history of depression and I'm the only one who doesn't take medication, so it can be done.

A positive attitude is also crucial, I know a 80 year old woman who woke up in the hospital with a broken back. She was hit waiting at the bus stop, told she probably wouldn't walk again. She refused to believe it and constantly told herself and everyone else that she will be fine and walk again.

She's walking. Then, she was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma a year later. She's been battling it for over 2 years and has an amazing attitude.

So, a positive attitude goes a long way but comparing yourself to those within an institute is counter productive.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

I have battled depression for decades.

Once meds have kicked in, the most important thing is to mentally fight against it. It's hard some days but positive thinking does help a lot. There is no magic pill or uber-therapist to cure it.

A good combination of meds (if necessary), IC, and supportive friends and family can keep it at bay.

I know I will battle it for my whole life. Good years and probably more really bad years ahead. I just take one day at a time and try to remain positive


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Off topic slightly:

I also experienced anxiety since 2005. Mostly driving anxiety which I attributed to a horrific drive through a blizzard up to Ontario that winter.

I avoided bridges, hated high speed travel (which was required to visit hometown unless I wanted to take four hours to get there!) and would sometimes have very physical anxiety while driving; fast heart rate and hyperventilating.

Once I moved out of marital home *poof* it disappeared!!
I swear...my kids pointed this out the first time on a trip to visit back home aftering moving out. DS says, Hey Mom, you are doing 80 on the turnpike...what happened to 55?? LOL

Now a days I do experience anxiety sometimes while driving out and I realized it was only when I had had contact with the STBXH in recent days...hmmm?

Think there is a connection??


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