# What do you think?



## J10r (Oct 24, 2021)

I'm not really sure where to begin, and I'm wondering if I'm crazy thinking you should put your spouse, your partner, higher on your list of priorities. Maybe not always choose your best friend over your spouse out of principle? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I do see marriage as something more than I should.
My wife on the other hand believes all of her relationships, be it friends family or spouse should all be treated equal. No one is of more importance than the others or special in anyway to her.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

J10r said:


> I'm not really sure where to begin, and I'm wondering if I'm crazy thinking you should put your spouse, your partner, higher on your list of priorities. Maybe not always choose your best friend over your spouse out of principle? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I do see marriage as something more than I should.
> My wife on the other hand believes all of her relationships, be it friends family or spouse should all be treated equal. No one is of more importance than the others or special in anyway to her.


My spouse comes before all. But that isn't a blind thing, he's earned it. He does the same for me. He also knows when I need to put someone else first like when my mom got sick. He was right there with me helping.

The question becomes what is it that you find you 'have to be' first in? Are you **** testing or is this an occasion where you need to be first?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

J10r said:


> I'm not really sure where to begin, and I'm wondering if I'm crazy thinking you should put your spouse, your partner, higher on your list of priorities. Maybe not always choose your best friend over your spouse out of principle? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I do see marriage as something more than I should.
> My wife on the other hand believes all of her relationships, be it friends family or spouse should all be treated equal. No one is of more importance than the others or special in anyway to her.


The spouse should be the priority. A friend, imo, might be somebody who talk to for about a half hour/per day and maybe spend all day with them every couple of weeks, or so.
From the time the spouse gets home, your focus should be on them.


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## J10r (Oct 24, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> The question becomes what is it that you find you 'have to be' first in? Are you **** testing or is this an occasion where you need to be first?


This started with a situation a while back, when we were having issues because she didn't have time for me and I was alone. However when she got time.... you guessed it spend it with BFF. Or I'd we ever managed to get a sitter and set up a date her friends would be invited as well.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

J10r said:


> This started with a situation a while back, when we were having issues because she didn't have time for me and I was alone. However when she got time.... you guessed it spend it with BFF. Or I'd we ever managed to get a sitter and set up a date her friends would be invited as well.


It sounds she was using her friends and phone as a barrier to not have to communicate with you.

I'd be curious if she was hiding something or whether she was just mad at you over something.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your spouse should come before everyone and everything else.

Not to say there won't be times when you'll have to prioritise someone else as @Anastasia6 pointed out, but overall, spouse should be number 1.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

J10r said:


> This started with a situation a while back, when we were having issues because she didn't have time for me and I was alone. However when she got time.... you guessed it spend it with BFF. Or I'd we ever managed to get a sitter and set up a date her friends would be invited as well.


So time is a love language. How much time do you need each week? How much time does she give you?
Being alone is something everyone goes through. Do you have trouble being alone? 

I do. But were the issues simply you being alone or were there more and arguments?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Unfortunately, it's come to this. Guess you never saw this coming on your wedding day. The short of it is you have served your function in providing marriage, provisioning, and seed for children. She's sort of checked out and over time will devour you. This is how it works I'm sorry to say. You are essentially there to Provide now. Her enjoyment comes from the BFF. It's lose lose for you brother. You stay -- you've got this lady to deal with. You leave - she wins because she is a woman and that's how divorce works. You still pay out the nose. 

Stop being needy. Become independent. Go out without telling her what you're doing. And fking dress better. Go to the gym,. She's lost interest in you. translation: you don't turn her on anymore. You also don't have any options and she knows it. If other women showed interest in you she might change her attitude. Now she's got her BFF to keep her amused. Whose next?

This book should help you -- female psychology for the practical man -- joe south. You can download it. It's a really good and will wake you up amigo as to reality. Women are not who you think they are. this is your first main stumbling block.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

J10r said:


> I'm not really sure where to begin, and I'm wondering if I'm crazy thinking you should put your spouse, your partner, higher on your list of priorities. Maybe not always choose your best friend over your spouse out of principle? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I do see marriage as something more than I should.
> My wife on the other hand believes all of her relationships, be it friends family or spouse should all be treated equal. No one is of more importance than the others or special in anyway to her.


My wife has always been and will always be most important person in my life, more important than my parents, my children, my friends and myself.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

J10r said:


> I'm not really sure where to begin, and I'm wondering if I'm crazy thinking you should put your spouse, your partner, higher on your list of priorities. Maybe not always choose your best friend over your spouse out of principle? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I do see marriage as something more than I should.
> *My wife on the other hand believes all of her relationships, be it friends family or spouse should all be treated equal. No one is of more importance than the others or special in anyway to her.*


As per your other thread, your wife is a hypocrite. Her friend is more important to her, by far. Her friend tried to set her up with someone, she comes home 6 hrs late, and you still think there's no one else?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My spouse IS my best friend. 
We are married, in a committed relationship. Of course he comes before any of my other friends.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Beginning to have a Victor Meldrew moment here.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Spouse “should” come first. all those love, kids, share rest of your life together, owns half of what you own, you guys signed the contract, etc. 

Having said that, love turns into hate pretty easily. I have to say I am still in contact with my best friend for 35 yrs. And I will gladly put many of my friends (not even best friends) ahead of my “roommate” when it comes to priority.

but look, I do realize that if my “roommate” has trouble or is in trouble, that will end up causing me trouble. So it’s not like I am going to block my “roommate’s” phone number, but I am not doing to invest in a relationship that is a dead end and will give me no return of investment neither.


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## RichardD369 (Oct 24, 2021)

Did your wife take a vow, an oath, to her friends even Jenny who stabs her in the back when ever she can to honor and cherish through sickness and in health. Does she plan on spending her entire life with all of these friends who she barely knows and doesn't share a life with. The same goes for family you don't choose your family but in most countries now you can choose your spouse. 

Your spouse is the co-parent to your children. Your most closest friend. Your rock when the whole world is out to get you. Most friends and family are not as close as you and your spouse should be, and they are not legally bound to you. 

Most people now days take marriage as almost a joke as a formality. Marriage is a bond between two people and a vow to forsake all others if it means choosing your spouse over anyone else. These are the vows we all took when we got married. 

Now if she is choosing her friends over you then you need to have a serious conversation and listen to each other. The reason I say this is she might be distancing herself from you and this is her excuse to do so. So you need to have a conversation about your relationship and both of you need to take ownership of what you might be doing to drive eachother away. My suggestion is to first listen then respond and don't accuse. Tell her how you feel never say things like "You don't" or "You Keep" instead say "I feel..." and then tell her how you feel. 

Remember she is not your enemy she is your wife the one person you should trust. The person who if you needed to bury a body she would be grabbing the shovel. Just kidding. Now in relationships we assume our partners should know what we need. We tend to assume they are mind readers and get mad at them if they do not know what we want and need. This mainly stems from the past where we were not able to express our needs so we keep quiet, but grow resentful. The way to get past this is to show vunerability to your spouse and tell them what you need and want, but also ask them the same. 

TLDR: No not every relationship is equal very far from it and a marriage should be on the top of your priority list. Though find a better and more understanding way to say this.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

RichardD369 said:


> Did your wife take a vow, an oath, to her friends even Jenny who stabs her in the back when ever she can to honor and cherish through sickness and in health. Does she plan on spending her entire life with all of these friends who she barely knows and doesn't share a life with. The same goes for family you don't choose your family but in most countries now you can choose your spouse.
> 
> Your spouse is the co-parent to your children. Your most closest friend. Your rock when the whole world is out to get you. Most friends and family are not as close as you and your spouse should be, and they are not legally bound to you.
> 
> ...


This is all by the book and everything - just how our clergymen would write it up. Unfortunately, you are around 60 years too late. Perhaps you are a clergyman or apprentice clergyman traveling the byways of the internet and have stumbled into this corner of the world.. Let me be the first to tell you -- the world has changed my friend. This kind of logical nice guy traditionalism doesn't work. Female nature has been unleashed!! These women don't give a fk. They don't care about vows, watching your back, being your life partner, trust and "what it* ought* it be". Forget the oughts and focus on what is. One thing you have done, however, is point out how sh+ty this guy's marriage is in terms of his wife's priorities. 

They get bored my friend and fast. Love is an emotion that comes and goes for them. It's about what the man can do for her that matters. This married man is going through the five stages of manipulation. That's why it will end with him ultimately being devoured. She's done with him unless he toughens up. Too bad more men don't understand this. The barn door has closed for this OP. This traditional talk has no meaning for the wife. It would be like speaking to a block of cement on the meaning of marital virtues. 

These women know they got the guy by the balls. If the guy walks, she gets half his stuff guaranteed. The real answer in this modern world (which took hold in circa 1980) is for men not to marry. we are slowly getting there as men are finally waking up. basically, you are talking morality when what this OP needs is to respond with is evolutionary biology/psychology. IOW he needs to change his behavior. Maybe even go 180. As for her being inattentive to your emotions OP. women care about what you can do for them. They don't really care about how you feel. Don't you know that? 

*NOTE: LADIES OF TAM. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU. I KNOW NOT ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THIS. HOWEVER MANY MODERN Western WOMEN ARE . *


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

RichardD369 said:


> Did your wife take a vow, an oath, to her friends even Jenny who stabs her in the back when ever she can to honor and cherish through sickness and in health. Does she plan on spending her entire life with all of these friends who she barely knows and doesn't share a life with. The same goes for family you don't choose your family but in most countries now you can choose your spouse.
> 
> Your spouse is the co-parent to your children. Your most closest friend. Your rock when the whole world is out to get you. Most friends and family are not as close as you and your spouse should be, and they are not legally bound to you.
> 
> ...



Richard: please, let me reiterate what @manowar said in other words: you are out of touch here. The reality of what a woman like this OP's wife thinks and believes that she's entitled in this world is most likely beyond what you know. Please, read in the "considering divorce" forum what she (@Mrs10 ) said about her husband and what she's done to the relationship with her BFF (I think she might have that hots for her or at least she's under her influence).


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## RichardD369 (Oct 24, 2021)

manowar said:


> This is all by the book and everything - just how our clergymen would write it up. Unfortunately, you are around 60 years too late. Perhaps you are a clergyman or apprentice clergyman traveling the byways of the internet and have stumbled into this corner of the world.. Let me be the first to tell you -- the world has changed my friend. This kind of logical nice guy traditionalism doesn't work. Female nature has been unleashed!! These women don't give a fk. They don't care about vows, watching your back, being your life partner, trust and "what it* ought* it be". Forget the oughts and focus on what is. One thing you have done, however, is point out how sh+ty this guy's marriage is in terms of his wife's priorities.
> 
> They get bored my friend and fast. Love is an emotion that comes and goes for them. It's about what the man can do for her that matters. This married man is going through the five stages of manipulation. That's why it will end with him ultimately being devoured. She's done with him unless he toughens up. Too bad more men don't understand this. The barn door has closed for this OP. This traditional talk has no meaning for the wife. It would be like speaking to a block of cement on the meaning of marital virtues.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you have found such horrible women in your life. To answer your first question I am not even religious let alone a clergy man. I am more of a traditionalist since that used to work before people started grifting and trying to convince everyone they were a victim of something. I am happily married though it took some time and a lot of conversations. I do know there are good women out there and they are well worth being with. My wife enriches my life she doesn't detract from it. We are each others best friend and I do not fear her screwing me over in a bitter divorce or anything like that. 
I know you have made up your mind about women and I hope you find happiness in what ever path you take, but not all women are like what you describe. Yes there are quite a few of them, but there are great women out there too who want a great husband who they can love, honor and cherish. Just food for thought.


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## RichardD369 (Oct 24, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Richard: please, let me reiterate what @manowar said in other words: you are out of touch here. The reality of what a woman like this OP's wife thinks and believes that she's entitled in this world is most likely beyond what you know. Please, read in the "considering divorce" forum what she (@Mrs10 ) said about her husband and what she's done to the relationship with her BFF (I think she might have that hots for her or at least she's under her influence).


I did read the other story and it is horrible. Are the two connected or are you using her as an example? 

What I wrote was my take on his current story I saw no indications of true marrital discord maybe her drifting away but not a catastrophe yet. Though it is all open to interpretation with so little clarification. What I wrote is what marriage should be and both people should work towards otherwise why be married. If you are going to treat others better than your spouse than don't get married or end it. 

This is all a conversation one needs to have before they tie the knot. It is not the end of the world if the conversation happens mid marriage like our OP here, but it needs to be a serious conversation where both people agree that the marriage is more important than anything else except the children.

Marriage though is give and take. It is both people giving up something to improve the greater whole of the marriage. Sadly most people do not know or want to follow this now and we have trainwrecks of marriages ending in divorce now because people do not communicate at all, they just expect a mind reader of a spouse or a slave. The OP I hope is not in a situation where his partner is not open to hear him otherwise the marriage is dead but if both of them can come together and have a conversation about what their marriage is and what it should be then it can be saved and improved. 

I find it so interesting how many people want to push the divorce idea not knowing the whole of the story. The truth is most people can come to an understanding if they stop the fighting and if they both are open to listening to each other. It takes assertiveness and not letting a person walk all over you to do so which takes some self growth on everyones part. Saddly most of what we are seeing here is traumatized people trying to form what they think are healthy relationships, but not having dealt with their own demons they bring them into their marriage and let them run the whole thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RichardD369 said:


> I am sorry you have found such horrible women in your life. To answer your first question I am not even religious let alone a clergy man. I am more of a traditionalist since that used to work before people started grifting and trying to convince everyone they were a victim of something. I am happily married though it took some time and a lot of conversations. I do know there are good women out there and they are well worth being with. My wife enriches my life she doesn't detract from it. We are each others best friend and I do not fear her screwing me over in a bitter divorce or anything like that.
> I know you have made up your mind about women and I hope you find happiness in what ever path you take, but not all women are like what you describe. Yes there are quite a few of them, but there are great women out there too who want a great husband who they can love, honor and cherish. Just food for thought.


Absolutely. It's nice to hear a guy talking positively about women for a change. Get a bit fed up here listening to anti women sentiment. 
I know and have known countless really lovely women, they out balance the not so nice ones by about 25-1.


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## RichardD369 (Oct 24, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely. It's nice to hear a guy talking positively about women for a change. Get a bit fed up here listening to anti women sentiment.
> I know and have known countless really lovely women, they out balance the not so nice ones by about 25-1.


You find what you are looking for if you think all woman are horrible and selfish thats generally what you will find. A quality woman is not going to want to be around a bitter man who blames all the worlds woes on her gender. The same is true for these men they don't want to be around some man hating woman so how can they expect to find a woman who loves her fellow men if all they do is blame woman for all of the worlds problems.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RichardD369 said:


> You find what you are looking for if you think all woman are horrible and selfish thats generally what you will find. A quality woman is not going to want to be around a bitter man who blames all the worlds woes on her gender. The same is true for these men they don't want to be around some man hating woman so how can they expect to find a woman who loves her fellow men if all they do is blame woman for all of the worlds problems.


Thank you. I know many many good people of both sexes.
I find it sad that because of one or two bad experiences, people tar that whole sex with the same brush.
We have both been treated very badly by people of the opposite sex, thankfully it didn't put us off meeting someone else.

Believe me, if I had met a man who talked bitterly about his ex or all women in general, I would have run a mile.


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## Mrs10 (Oct 25, 2021)

RichardD369 said:


> I did read the other story and it is horrible. Are the two connected or are you using her as an example?
> 
> What I wrote was my take on his current story I saw no indications of true marrital discord maybe her drifting away but not a catastrophe yet. Though it is all open to interpretation with so little clarification. What I wrote is what marriage should be and both people should work towards otherwise why be married. If you are going to treat others better than your spouse than don't get married or end it.
> 
> ...


This is his version I have my own.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

I think you both need to work on your punctuation. Obviously, this is something you both have in common...


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