# I am having an affair



## Notinlove (Jan 28, 2011)

I posted this under another forum and I think it might have been the wrong one. So lets try it again under the one actually dealing with affairs...
I am relieved to find an anonymous forum where I can just get this out and hopefully get some advice in return.
My story is this:
I got married when I was 23, right out of college. Ive been married for 8 years and we have a child together. I tried to get out of this years ago. I tried to talk to my family and to him. My family thought I was just going through something a lot of marriages go through, and the pain on his face when I brought it up was more than I could handle.
He is the GREATEST GUY. He is stong and brave and good. He will do anything for me and our child. He is the perfect husband. I don't know if I could find a better person. The problem is Im not in love with him and I have felt like this for years. 
I almost feel like I could live my life not in love for the sake of our child bc he is SUCH A GOOD HANDS ON FATHER. I feel like I cant rob him of his child when Im the one with the issue.
Ive had a few minor affairs which is awful, and the last one lasted over a year. I fell in love with this man and we broke up last night bc I clearly cant commit and he wants to.
I dont know what to do. I feel so awful about the affair but I also feel awful about leaving him and taking his child, the one person who does love him unconditionally.
Is it possible to fall back in love with a person? Has anyone been in a situation like this??
My face is literally on fire from the tears I cant stop shedding over the breakup so I think Im on the verge of losing it, but I just need advice from people who arent my family and people who wont judge me negatively for my less than honorable actions...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not sure there is such a place where you won't be judged negatively for your actions. They are negative actions, so they will probably illicit such a response. I will try to be helpful as much as I can, but there are many people on here that are much smarter than I am.

First off, I see that you said you tried to end the marriage years ago. Okay, so now is the time to get counseling with your H, let him know about your several affairs and make a decision together. He obviously doesn't grasp the seriousness of the situation. He might decide he is done. He might not.

After that, I would ask you, don't you think he has just as good an opportunity of getting custody of your child as you do? He very well may want custody and to provide you with visitation. (Being hypothetical here, I don't know your situation with daycare, etc). 

Are you prepared to handle the consequences of your actions?? He will also have to see his part in the failing of your marriage, but he must first be allowed time to come to grips with your affairs. The worst thing you can do is blameshift at first. Be honest, but don't try to put it all on him. You did make the choices, but he probably didn't help the situation a whole lot if he wasn't doing things to show you he loved you. Does this help any?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As a "victim" of a cheating spouse, I will try to give you some guidance. Does your husband suspect you have been unfaithful? I would imagine he senses something is wrong within the marriage. Your husband sounds like a very loving man whose world would be shattered by what you have done. I'm really glad you broke the affair off on your own. It's time you either get a divorce or decide to work on your marriage. Cheating really destroys innocent people such as your husband. Cheating is never the answer.

You definitely need to seek individual counseling before doing anything else. At this point I wouldn't even tell your husband of the affair. You seem to have a problem committing to a relationship--whether it be with your husband or the OM. Were you ever really committed to your marriage? I'm thinking an individual therapist may be able to help you find what it is YOU are missing.

Also, read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. It will help you understand the true meaning of being "in love" with someone. And hopefully you can find that with your husband again.


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## Notinlove (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks you guys.
Hes asked me about it before and I said no of course.
Im not physically attracted to him and it was like that before the cheating. My father cheated on my mother. I found out about it at the end of college and told her, hated him, and swore Id never do it and couldnt understand how someone could do that. Fast forward and I did it.
No he doesnt have a chance of getting custody. Im the mother, we both have excellent jobs and Id rather go the route where we end it bc we've grown apart, basically live seperate lives, and arent in love-lets move fwd and be with ppl who were crazy about vs. I had an affair and lets make this ugly. I dont want to take our child from him. I want him to see the child as often as he wants. I want my child to have a hands on dad, and a present father. We can remain friends. It happens. His parents are divorced and stayed in good graces. We still have holidays as a big family with his fmaily and both remarried parents are there. This doesnt have to get ugly.
I am going to see a counselor, and I want him to go to. But I dont know that telling him about the affair is a good idea. I rememeber the pain my fmaily went through when my dad did it. I'll never forget that feeling. I dont wish it upon anyone. Id rather live with it and if it eats at me, so-be-it, then to make him feel inferior and hurt. 
I dont know how a counselor can make me fall back in love with a person I met when I was 20(Im 31 now). I dont know that I want to fall back in love either. I dont feel like my H and I have a lot in common.
I cant ever take him out bc hes not outgoing. He has his few good friends that he wont venture from and I am social butterfly and love to be out meeting people and making friends....
I feel guilty not about having the affair. I dont know how I dont but I dont. Im numb to it but I do feel guilty that hes not with someone who just absolutely loves him and wants to eat him up. I feel guilty that I fell in love with another person and he sticks it out.
But our life is so boring... The life I had with my affair was the kind that suited me, and that I love and thrive in. 
I feel selfish. But I also feel like you only get one life and why not be happy if you know what makes you that way?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Notinlove said:


> No he doesnt have a chance of getting custody. Im the mother, we both have excellent jobs and Id rather go the route where we end it bc we've grown apart, basically live seperate lives, and arent in love-lets move fwd and be with ppl who were crazy about vs. I had an affair and lets make this ugly. I dont want to take our child from him. I want him to see the child as often as he wants. I want my child to have a hands on dad, and a present father. We can remain friends. It happens. His parents are divorced and stayed in good graces. We still have holidays as a big family with his fmaily and both remarried parents are there. This doesnt have to get ugly. Right, because you are manipulating him by withholding the truth. What does being the mother have to do with getting custody? He is the father, he has just as good a chance as you do, or he should. Short story, you want to lie to him, manipulate him into believing something that isn't true so you can get your way and not have to deal with the consequences.
> I am going to see a counselor, and I want him to go to. But I dont know that telling him about the affair is a good idea. I rememeber the pain my fmaily went through when my dad did it. I'll never forget that feeling. I dont wish it upon anyone. Id rather live with it and if it eats at me, so-be-it, then to make him feel inferior and hurt. Like I said, you want to walk away without having to disclose the truth. That doesn't have anything to do with him, you don't want to admit what you have done to him.
> I dont know how a counselor can make me fall back in love with a person I met when I was 20(Im 31 now). I dont know that I want to fall back in love either. I dont feel like my H and I have a lot in common.No one said a counselor can make you fall back in love with him. But counselors CAN help you both see where you can improve to make the other feel loved.
> I cant ever take him out bc hes not outgoing. He has his few good friends that he wont venture from and I am social butterfly and love to be out meeting people and making friends....
> ...


When you do things that negatively effect other people, then your life won't be a happy one anyway.You can't walk through life crapping on people and then expect to have some fairy tale ending.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

If you plan on staying together, in a real marriage, then you need to inform him.

I do find it interesting that you chose the word 'minor' when referring to previous affairs. Particularly due to the fact that your Dad did this.

I know you are looking to the easier, softer, way....but there is no room for middle ground.

You will be losing a "great guy" to a scumbag.
Sorry, but a man who ****s another man's wife has ZERO integrity in my opinion.


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## Notinlove (Jan 28, 2011)

If he found out I deserve it. I would be upset he got hurt, but I fully deserve it. 
Yah id like to spare his feelings by sparing details. Again, its not that I dont want him to know what I've done bc I do deserve the judgement, I just would rather spare him the feelings I remember feeling when my dad did it to us...

I just want him to be happy and I think we are great friends and partners, but I know there is a woman out there who can be what he deserves. As good of a man as he is, I dont feel like he deserves someone like me seeing as what I've done. 
My priorities are jacked. I was raised differently than this and I know better. 

I dont know when I lost the attraction but I did. Its sad. I dont feel sorry for me or sad for me. I feel sad for him.


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## Notinlove (Jan 28, 2011)

side note-have any of you gone through a seperation and end up seeing that you actually do love and need the person....

Im just wondering if we got seperated and he wasnt in my life anymore if Id miss him and want the family unit, or if Id know I was right, and moving on is best...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Notinlove said:


> Yah id like to spare his feelings by sparing details. Again, its not that I dont want him to know what I've done bc I do deserve the judgement, I just would rather spare him the feelings I remember feeling when my dad did it to us...



Funny, I heard that same sentiment when I found out about my H cheating. And guess what, it wasn't "protecting" or sparing ME, it was sparing HIM. Thats what it comes down to. Oh, I want to save you the hurt baby. No, you want to save yourself the trouble of having to own your actions. Pure and simple. You can sit here all day long and tell me that you don't want to hurt him, but that was done the second you started sleeping around. He's already been hurt. What you don't want to do is inform him of it. Because YOU don't want to have to deal with it.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

bluesky said:


> If you plan on staying together, in a real marriage, then you need to inform him.
> 
> I do find it interesting that you chose the word 'minor' when referring to previous affairs. Particularly due to the fact that your Dad did this.
> 
> ...


:iagree: And just FYI, the majority of this forum category is for people COPING with a cheating spouse. You aren't going to find people feeling sympathy for you. What you're doing is wrong. It's wrong for you to do it to your husband and wrong of you to do it to your child. How will he feel when he finds out mom cheated on dad? You can't hide it forever. You need to figure out what the real reason is and then come clean and move on.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

But hon, you are not sparing him anything.

If you plan on divorcing him asap, keep your secret if you must.

If you are staying, you owe it to HIM and YOURSELF.

You are NOT your Dad, but you are behaving like him.

Dad's affair was discovered, NOT volunteered.

Show yourself how you can be different.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but here goes.
Your husband has been great and you are taking him for granted to such a degree as to not even recognise your feelings for him anymore. I suspect you have some self esteem issues and you like the attention these OM give you but you need to understand how destructive this is to the family you created and to the H you made a solemn promise to. 
Sadly, if this goes to divorce, you'll realise too late what you had.

Please, take your H to MC before you make a huge mistake. Remember, your children are learning from your example.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Notinlove said:


> I dont know what to do. I feel so awful about the affair but I also feel awful about leaving him and taking his child, the one person who does love him unconditionally.


You are a serial cheater and too weak to face the truth of your marriage with your husband. 

You could do both he and your child a favor by leaving, but letting your child stay with his father. 

Two reasons: 1. He is a great father. 2. Your child deserves the best.

You are a bad example of how to live in a marriage. Until you make things right in your life, how you treat your family, you should not be with them.

Since I doubt you will stop cheating, you should divorce your husband after telling him what the real state of his marriage is.

Yes, this is a blunt assessment.

I don't think you will change. You seek out affair after affair with no understanding of the price of deception on your life and on those you think you care about, yet do not act with care about.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The fact is that if you don't tell him, you will remain exactly as you are. A serial cheater and a liar. It doesn't matter whether you divorce him or not. Remember, wherever you go, there you are. It is not about not being attracted to a good man and a fabulous father. It is about who you are. You say you don't want to cause him pain. Sorry, he is going to feel pain. The kindest thing you can do is divorce him, let him fall in love again. He will be fine in the long run. Why? Because he is a good person. I am afraid you have a much harder road to hoe. What you have done has defined your character. And it won't really matter what guy your with. Because you have no boundaries. Your other man should know the truth to. And that is "If you will cheat with him, you will cheat on him". You will get board, like the excuse about being only 23 when you got married. So now your 31, you think you are a different person. You are not. You are the same person then as you are now. You were just not bored with your husband when you first got married. So roll the clock forward a few years. when your 43. By your standard you will be a different person then too. What is to stop from you cheating again? Nothing. 

The point is. Do you think you are better person now then you were when you were 23 before you cheated on your husband time and again? I would say that you are not. I am not judging you I am judging your actions. They are the indicator as to exactly who you are. So unless and until you know that you have changed. I would highly suggest that you not get married again until you have some extended period in counseling. You need to figure out why you are the way you are. And whether you are the type of person who can be faithful to anyone. You may think you are, you may want to be, but you may not be. Time to do some work and find out.


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## Notinlove (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks you guys. I appreciate the feedback.
I am going to go see someone to talk about this. I know it seems like Im trying to save myself but I dont want to hurt him. Thats why Im trying to reach out and find out whats wrong with me, and you're all right clearly its something. This behavior has to stem from something. Some of you hit some things spot on so I appreciate it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Notinlove said:


> I know it seems like Im trying to save myself but I dont want to hurt him.


 Because you are still thinking in survival terms. You hurt him the second you started sleeping around. What you are trying to avoid RIGHT NOW, is having to see the fallout from your actions. The only people you are "protecting" from this are you and your affair partners. Not him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

michzz said:


> You are a serial cheater and too weak to face the truth of your marriage with your husband.
> 
> You could do both he and your child a favor by leaving, but letting your child stay with his father.
> 
> ...


michzz makes good points here.

I largely agree with him because of something you posted.

You don't feel bad about the cheating - as in you don't feel guilty or remorseful.

So, you've "justified" this in your own head as something that needed to happen.

That's simply wrong.

The clear path is to discuss this with your husband and file for divorce. Don't let him talk you out of it. Schedule yourself for individual counseling UNTIL you are able to feel guilt and remorse for what you've done.

Once your head is cleared in that manner, you'll have a shot (of getting your husband back) or in some other relationship.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You are hurting him by controlling his life and keeping him in the dark. If you stay married and keep this up, you are continually putting his heart through a meet grinder because eventually he will find out. SO stop with the I don't want to hurt him crap. Come clean with EVERYHTING to him and let him decide for himself as it should be. If you don't want to stay married, tell him everyhting and then file. Quit protecting yourself and at least be unconditional in one aspect of marriage.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I agree with the OP on this one. Telling him is the wrong thing to do in this case. Why destroy his self-worth if she has already decided that she doesn't want to be with him? If the divorce is going to happen anyway why add insult to injury? Simply to be cruel? Telling him will make no material difference to their marriage but it will damage him psychologically.

Sticking dogmatically to the principle of 'honesty' is simplistic. Sometimes we have to be dishonest and suffer in silence for the sake of others. No relationship would survive total honesty.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

This isn't a white lie and even if they divorce he will will want to know why. He deserves to know. It is not right for her to control his life in that manner. She is morally broke and doesn't respect him. If she doesn't tell him, he will place all of the blame on himself. This is hers and hers alone to bear the responsibility for. If he knows and they divorce, he won't spend the rest of his life wishing he could have done something different. The pain for him will be there either way. If she has no remorse or desire to work it out, he will be able to build himself a shield from the hate he will develop and move on quicker. I'm sure she doesn't want that, but it part of the consequences for her actions and he deserves the truth. If she decides to stay and he decides he wants to, it MUST be with full disclosure. Put your big girl panties on and tell him.

And I'll add, my wife cheated for 20 years. I wish to hell she had told me and divorced me 20 years ago. We are reconciling but I now have 20 years of memories that have become triggers as well as 20 years that I firmly believe I was being used and for the most part hated by her or she wouldn't have kept it up. 20 years or 20 minutes - not telling him is 100% wrong.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

LuckyCharmH said:


> , and you are the worst person I've seen.
> you are more than selfish, why do you think you would be good to your child if you are not good to your husband? if you need to destroy their lives just do it in your own, you are the one who should move on and leave both of them together.
> you have cheater with different men on your husband that was all good to you and your family, you had more than a year of thinking this over and over that what you are doing is wrong. let me tell you this based on what I saw and experienced, if you are not happy with your husband you will never be happy with anyone else in your life, because you are selfish and all you think is yourself and how to satisfy you physical needs.


It is sad that people do this. People need to feel that they are able to come here and talk honestly and openly without being subjected to this kind of over-emotional personal attack. 

We ALL benefit from hearing the thoughts of the disloyal spouse and everybody deserves a hearing, even if you don't like what they have to say. There is no-one who thinks that betraying their spouse is morally a good idea, so you are not contributing anything new, just lashing out at someone of whom you disapprove.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

She asked for opinions and she's getting them. She may not like to hear how hurtful and shameful her behaviour is, but any true friend would not listen and then not try to get her to understand the perspective of her husband. Affairs are all about being totally self centered and ignoring the other half of the marriage - the husband. When this happens, it is controlling him, being false and lying and all about what the DS wants. That is NOT marriage. She should end it NOW!

And Jamesa - the first step to becoming a better person is admitting your mistakes, taking ownership for them and improving yourself.  People who are at rock bottom like people who cheat or are crackheads or alcoholics all have the same first step they must take. Taking responsibility, admitting they have a problem and starting to change. She can be pampered for her grief and pain when she starts this process and NOT until then. Oh it's OK honey, have another drink. Thats enabling.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> That is NOT marriage. She should end it NOW!


I think that is right, I don't think she will be able to commit herself to the marriage at this point.



8yearscheating said:


> And Jamesa - the first step to becoming a better person is admitting your mistakes, taking ownership for them and improving yourself. People who are at rock bottom like people who cheat or are crackheads or alcoholics all have the same first step they must take. Taking responsibility, admitting they have a problem and starting to change. She can be pampered for her grief and pain when she starts this process and NOT until then. Oh it's OK honey, have another drink. Thats enabling.


I agree that in order to become a better person she needs to take responsibility for her mistakes, I am just not 100% sure that destroying his self-esteem would be good for him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jamesa said:


> I think that is right, I don't think she will be able to commit herself to the marriage at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree that in order to become a better person she needs to take responsibility for her mistakes, I am just not 100% sure that destroying his self-esteem would be good for him.


I wouldn't presume that his self esteem would be destroyed by her failings.

It could be enlightening and freeing to him to finally be able to connect the dots.

A life relieved of deception is far more satisfying than being the recipient of such clever disdain.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

To the original poster: You have already hurt your husband and he will feel 100x worse if HE finds out HIMSELF about your infidelities than you telling him yourself. If you want to have any chance on surviving this with your husband and if you don't want to be labeled COWARD then tell him EVERYTHING yourself. 

Do you want to save your marriage?

If you do, start counselling immediately but first make sure you clearly state what your intentions are to your husband after you tell him the truth(and please don't try to hide details, nothing worse for the loyal spouse than to find out later there is more to the story).


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I find it fairly sad that there would be a thread like this, where a Disloyal Spouse actually spoke up and told the truth (nope, it's not pretty and it stings to hear it) and is treated LIKE THIS, when one thread away is one that that asks this question: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ow-you-felt-about-your-ls-while-cheating.html

This reminds me of what it's like in a marriage, pre-affair. "If only he/she had been HONEST with me and told me!" the loyal wails, and yet the DS *was* honest and *did* tell you and rather than hearing "Thank you for your honesty; those are tough words and they sting but let me think about them" what happened. Oh yeah--yelling, belittling, name-calling, angry explosions, and then the cold shoulder. Do you know what that teaches a disloyal spouse? NEVER, under any circumstance, tell the truth to your loyal because that is the reaction you'll get. 

Sooooo...if you ever wonder, I am one of the most brave, honest, "my life is a book" people on the planet, but you know what? I'm quite positive if I told the truth on this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ow-you-felt-about-your-ls-while-cheating.html I would be treated like this person was, so NOPE! Sorry. Treat some DSs better first and I may consider actually answering. 


P.S. "Treat some DSs better" doesn't mean agreeing with them or being supportive of continuing the affair, but it does mean not resorting to tearing them apart. Seriously--if you want honesty that means you have to be open to hearing what hurts. Otherwise don't rip people to shreds and then say, "I don't know WHY they won't be honest with me!" Think about what you're doing and "I just couldn't stop myself..." :bsflag: You CAN stop yourself and you should.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

When you leave him don't tell him about the cheating. It sounds like your his world and it's gonna hurt enough losing that ,,,, he doesn't need the image of you with another man going through his mind. Plus the fact that another man will be in his child's life more then him ,,, poor guy.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

But what if her husband finds out on his own whether now or later? What if he already suspects something?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi Notinlove,

Falling back in love is possible. I did it and it felt less exciting but it's great, secure, real and fulfilled.

My husband is a great husband pretty much like yours, & he's a great step father of my daughter.

That's the reason I couldn't get divorced with him. (He wouldn't want to divorce me, either...)

I was in love with an OM for 3 years (EA) and recently I found my way falling back in love with my husband. 

Falling back in love is workable.

I hope you communicate with your husband everyday and tell him to help you fall back in love with him. Tell him the butterflies in the stomach are missing. Ask him for understanding, support & help. He will.

If you don't want to tell him about your PA, *then make sure you keep your mouth totally shut.* Don't tell anyone and make your marriage work but please don't go back for physical affairs.

You know why?

You can't commit to any man, which is sad & miserable. I know how you felt.

Everytime you fall in love with one man, in the end, only pain & heartache you will get because you can't commit to him.

So why don't you make your marriage more beautiful and enjoyable?

It's hard to control our emotion, but we can still control our behaviors.

You will need to take care of your sexual desires & emotion with care:

Here is the tip:

Whenever you feel the desire for the OM, you should immediately turn to your husband, flirt with him and screw his brains off. Let your husband fulfill your sexual needs, no matter how much you find him unattractive. Turn to him and get as many orgasms until you're happy.

Ask your husband to take care of your sexual needs if you can't take care of them correctly. Request him to date you and enjoy hot sex with you. If he's not very hot, teach him how to please you.

Dating & great sex with your husband can help falling back in love with him more quickly.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great job MS. Lonely. Not in Love, I apologize for my rant. I'm stating my true feelings regarding not telling him. You need help from an IC or MC jointly with your husband. I stick to my belief that you ened to tell him everything regardless if you decide to stay or go. You owe it to him to be honest.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

I agree with 8yearscheating,
MSLONELY you need help, hiding it is as bad as the affair. that shows how selfish the person is and all he/she cares is about themselves and not others not matter what they do.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm sorry you are doing this to your family. It sounds to me that you want your cake and to eat it too. You need to be honest with your husband, he deserves that much. Also, I work in the law field - believe me, just because you are the mother does not guarantee you automatic custody of your child. Because of your affairs, your husband stands a greater chance of obtaining primary custody than you do, at least in the state I live in.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Please treat others with respect and dignity is #1 guideline on TAM.

Posters are looking for constructive advice from other people on the TAM, so personal attacks or name calling on other posters will not be tolerated. Posts violating forum guidelines will be deleted or edited without notice. 

Sometimes it is better not to post on a thread if our personal feelings towards a situation cannot be kept in check. For example, many posters on the TAM have been cheated on by spouse and have anger which is very normal and expected in their situation, but please do not displace your anger on other posters. 

Thanks,

Sweetpea


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## AlphaM (Jan 31, 2011)

> "He is the GREATEST GUY. He is stong and brave and good. He will do anything for me and our child. He is the perfect husband. I don't know if I could find a better person. "



This quote takes the cake. I seriously hope your poor husband can find a worthwhile woman that deserves him.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Notinlove is not ready to tell her husband because of her own concerns. It's her marriage and her life choice.
My main point was to encourage her falling back in love with her husband and make her marriage work.
It has nothing to do to with having cake and eat it. 
It's just my personal respect to her own life choice.
You don't have to agree with me but you don't need to advice me to seek help.
After all, we are only here to share our views.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> Great job MS. Lonely. Not in Love, I apologize for my rant. I'm stating my true feelings regarding not telling him. You need help from an IC or MC jointly with your husband. I stick to my belief that you ened to tell him everything regardless if you decide to stay or go. You owe it to him to be honest.


If there's love and great sexual life, every spouse is less likely to cheat. 
Working on falling back in love and great sex with the spouse is the only way to solve the root problem in the marriage.
To tell or not to tell the spouse the secret, most ppl have already strongly suggested. If Notinlove doesn't want to hurt the husband, she showed me she actually cares and loves her husband, but she is in a fog which made her mis-believe she fell out of love.
I believe she can find a way to get out of the fog and fall back in love.
Tell or not tell the secret. Well, everybody has secrets more or less. Important is to cut off the PA first.
If she can't let go her PA, soon or later, she must decide.
I respect her life choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AlphaM said:


> This quote takes the cake. I seriously hope your poor husband can find a worthwhile woman that deserves him.


It's always easy to give ppl our judgements.
She's very painful already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

LuckyCharmH said:


> I agree with 8yearscheating,
> MSLONELY you need help, hiding it is as bad as the affair. that shows how selfish the person is and all he/she cares is about themselves and not others not matter what they do.


Any of you tell me that you're not selfish.
No one is selfish free on Earth.
Sometimes the spouse prefers not to know about our secrets.
It makes the DL spouse feel good, honest and relieved by telling the truth without concerning how much hurt the LS will get, is also a selfish act.
Important is find a way to get out of the affair and leave the OM physically and emotionally and be a faithful wife from now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Notinlove, while I've not personally been in your shoes, I have been on the other end, and I think I've had a certain level of trying to put myself in my wife's shoes through it all.

First things first, if you have any hope whatsoever to repair your marriage, and as you say, fall back into love with your husband, you will likely want to tell him? Why? Several reasons.

First, I would suspect that your husband has suspicions that something is wrong, even if he isn't sure exactly what. I tend to believe it to be unfair that he believe whatever is wrong is somehow his fault, even though he has obviously had a part in a marital environment where an affair could happen. It was still your choice to have the affair, but in feeling that was an option, something was obviously missing from your husband's end.

Second, if your husband is to work things out with you, it needs to be on the basis of honestly and trust. If you start rebuilding a brick house on a foundation of sand, you'll end up right back where you started: ground zero. That is to say, if reconciliation begins without honesty, what's to keep either of you from repeating this all again later? Furthermore, your husband deserves to be able to make the decision to move forward in the marriage with all appropriate information. Does that mean he needs every detail of every encounter? I'm not sure, but to at least know what happened is the absolute starting point I would think.

Having been on the other end, I've attempted to see my wife's perspective, and trust me, I can honestly see where, when everything just falls into place, it seems to be an easy escape at the time. Also, you may be surprised that many times, upon learning of an affair, the loyal spouse will be willing and ready to fix their problems in the marriage. Either way, the best way I see to move forward if you truly want to fall in love again is to start by being honest and having renewing your commitment to marriage and building something better. I'll be checking in on your thread periodically to offer whatever help and support I can. Just keep in mind, I'm among those that would rather she a marriage saved and rebuilt than ended, so much of my advice and feedback will come from that perspective.


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## Sandeep (Jan 31, 2011)

Sounds like the husband will end up the fortunate one if he gets a divorce really. At least then he can have a chance at a life that isn't a complete farce.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

NotinLove - I have read most of this thread though I admit not all.
You have ONE life. This is it. You are entitled to be happy and fulfilled. 
Do you want to lie on your death bed feeling that you had the chance to have a wonderfully fulfilled life but didn't? Dont lie there dying thinking 'If only' or 'why didn't I'... 
If you truly don't think this is the right life partner for you, get out NOW!
Good luck.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Not to encourage anyone to be dishonest, but I have a true case to share.
A husband who has been a great husband and a great father with a happy wife, once cheated on the wife with the OW.
The OW then got pregnant and gave birth to a son.
The wife had been very active, pretty, happy and healthy until the son of the OW turned to 18 years old. Finally, the husband confessed to the wife about the truth that he cheated on her 18 years ago and he has a son. 
Out of a sudden, the wife couldn't accept the truth.
Not only collapsed, and mentally broke down, she then became very ill. 
She's not the pretty, happy and healthy woman anymore.
She got very ill and died. Before she always told ppl she hated why the husband wanted to tell her the truth? She prefered she never be informed.
What's the point to hurt a person ? It can help relieved the guilt of cheating, but it caused hurt as well.
She's devoted all her youth and life to her family and marriage. She was happy.
She failed to take the shock. She collapsed.
It's a true story happened in my home town. My mom used to work with the wife and she told me this.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Conclusion?
Make sure your spouse is strong enough to take the shock.
Then you tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm sure there are people who would rather not know. And somehting that happened that long ago is not really comparable to this situation. If she wants to get back with her husband, not being completely honest with him is a bad way to start. If she doesn't, she owes to him to give him the last bit honesty so he doesn't take the blame for the divorce on himself. I'm sure if you polled the people on the site including DS's, you would a vast majority agree that 100% honesty is required regardless on the long term outcome. Even those who were told by there DS would voice the same opinion. Every one different - who can say what her husband would prefer. SHouldn't it be his decision?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I often argue that perhaps telling your spouse is not always the right thing to do. I believe, and I have heard experts say the same thing, that if you have made a mistake, you are not going to do it again and you are committed to your marriage it is best to suffer in silence and not ease your guilt while making your spouse suffer.

This case may be different but I think that we should keep our minds open to the possibility that the more moral, loving thing to do may well be to protect your spouse from the pain that knowledge of the affair will certainly bring. 

I am not telling anybody whether it is right or wrong to tell, but we need to be wary of applying a simplistic moral code when the complexities of human relationships are at play.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I also agree to tell the truth but I also respect her not to tell if she's not ready.
Shouldn't it also be her decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

If she is controlling his life by not telling, no it's not. She can simply ask him if he would want to know in a hypothetical manner.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Notinlove is not ready to tell her husband because of her own concerns. *It's her marriage and her life choice.*
> My main point was to encourage her falling back in love with her husband and make her marriage work.
> It has nothing to do to with having cake and eat it.
> It's just my personal respect to *her own life choice.*


Ah and I think herein lies the difference of opinion. When a person marries, they are no longer single. When you are single it is "your own life choice", but when you marry it is BOTH his and her life. HE is making choices based on inaccurate or purposely misleading information. It's HIS marriage and HIS life choice too, because when a person marries they are volunteering to always consider another person. When she married, she volunteered to no longer only consider "her life choice" but to also consider the life of another, namely her husband. It's part of the responsibility of marriage--and it's also one of the pleasurable rewards!

Thus, I do advocate and support telling her hubby the truth because it is my personal respect for his own life choice too. The TWO of them can build a marriage of trust and honesty if both of them have all the facts and, with all the facts in hand, they BOTH make a decision to work on the marriage. By withholding the facts, you are withholding from him the ability to make a decision based on the truth. 

So that's just me. If you choose to withhold the truth, basically it is disrespecting your spouse, and we want you to start on a new, fresh, clean, honest footing. Build a NEW relationship with a foundation of trust and transparent honesty.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

She's not thinking about to build that new relationship with her husband because she's already fallen out of love with him, which is passionate love.
She can't end the marriage and family for some reasons, which is family love.
To hurt a person is very easy, you can just tell everything and the worst case is divorce if he can't accept her as a wife anymore. She will need to consider the risk of destroying the family love when kids are involved, so she's looking for a way to see if she can fall back in love with her husband and make the marriage work.
So are we suggesting her to change herself, cut off the PA and fall back in love or to risk the family? 
Of course it's her choice to tell or to keep her mouth shut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Even If with 100% honesty, it doesn't guarantee a happy marriage ever since.
It doesn't guarantee the new relationship won't collapse even with 100 %transparency.
Because there's no fundation in marriage that would guarantee a happy marriage.
It's just an ideology.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

As indicated by AC, it must be a team and there is no I in team. If she is sincere in changing to make the marriage work and wants him to fulfill her needs so she can be in love with him, she has to put ALL her cards on the table and let him decide what he wants. You can't dance when both of you are wearing an ipod playing different music.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> As indicated by AC, it must be a team and there is no I in team. If she is sincere in changing to make the marriage work and wants him to fulfill her needs so she can be in love with him, she has to put ALL her cards on the table and let him decide what he wants. You can't dance when both of you are wearing an ipod playing different music.


Yes. You're right.
After your wife put all the cards on the table to give you that 100% transparency, she then decided to quit the team.
When the mirror is broken, the heart and love fade, she became a sinner, it's even harder for her to find her way falling back in love with you.
Yes, she can surrender all the cards. So she doesn't have to feel guilty to walk away anymore.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Sometimes, it's not a bad thing to hold that guilty card so at least she feels sorry and wanted to make up something at home or when you're still around. She's cheating but she does keep her family love for you for 20 years.
You wanted her to surrender that guilty card. Why not? So she's free from feeling sorry. It would be stupid of her if continue to be a guilty wife for the rest of her life. You can get any card you want but as I mentioned. 100% transparency won't guarantee any happiness but it does guarantee you the risk of a broken family.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I've only been lurking on this thread, and something stands out to me: everyone is still debating this while she checked out three pages ago when she realized that no one is going to tell her what she wants to hear.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> I find it fairly sad that there would be a thread like this, where a Disloyal Spouse actually spoke up and told the truth (nope, it's not pretty and it stings to hear it) and is treated LIKE THIS, when one thread away is one that that asks this question: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ow-you-felt-about-your-ls-while-cheating.html
> 
> This reminds me of what it's like in a marriage, pre-affair. "If only he/she had been HONEST with me and told me!" the loyal wails, and yet the DS *was* honest and *did* tell you and rather than hearing "Thank you for your honesty; those are tough words and they sting but let me think about them" what happened. Oh yeah--yelling, belittling, name-calling, angry explosions, and then the cold shoulder. Do you know what that teaches a disloyal spouse? NEVER, under any circumstance, tell the truth to your loyal because that is the reaction you'll get.
> 
> ...


:iagree::allhail:

Very well stated.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I've only been lurking on this thread, and something stands out to me: everyone is still debating this while she checked out three pages ago when she realized that no one is going to tell her what she wants to hear.


That means we can pontificate endlessly without feeling guilty about hijacking someone's thread.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

I really want to know how you feel when your doing it? do you think about your loving husband at home??? how he would feel your kids?? I couldnt look in the mirrow at myself be honest I need to know.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

As an LS who still believes that he does not have all of the truth, I wrestle with this almost everyday...and I find the concept that she is still withholding truth from me (and truly owning this truth herself), incredibly paralyzing...it creeps into how I view her and listen to her all the time. 

So, I wonder...as much as I want the whole truth at this point, how would I react to the whole truth? I'm guessing that she feels that the whole truth will cause me to run and abandon everything...and it might. So, as has been stated before, she is looking out for her best interests by not telling me (since she's convinced that it will end everything) and not my best interests...and I get that she would be afraid to completely bare her soul about this, I can imagine how difficult these things would be to own up to. I get that she's afraid of what the whole truth might do to the family...but she also made these choices on her own that might impact her life and the life of her kids, and that possible impact still didn't keep her out of the lions den.

Here's an analogy that I think illustrates (or maybe not) how the withholding of the truth affects the ability of the LS to make a decision and a choice to stay because its what the LS wants: We have an "invisible fence" for our dog. And we've had it long enough now that he's sort of conditioned to not even try his luck. Funny how often the battery in the collar has died and would no longer deliver the shock. I've even said out loud, "Boy, if he only knew the truth." If he knew the truth, would he run like hell in search of greener pastures OR would he still stay because the love, warmth, shelter and nourishment that he wants/needs is still with us? As the LS, after getting the full truth perhaps I would want to stay for the same reasons or would I run for greener pastures? I don't know, but I do believe that's a choice that I should be allowed to make.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@ how2believeandmoveon,You are making the choice based on "bygones" you forget that she's no longer cheating.
So what's the point to know how big is the picture of what has already happened and past?
You know she cheated that's enough. 
When I caught my husband's affair, I didn't request 100% of the past cheating story. 
I let him come clean to a point that he felt safe to handle.
I asked if he would let me read his email between the OW, he was terrified and told me they're too hurtful for me to read. I told him, "never mind, what I only want is his love."
What I really cared was how much he still loved me and wanted our marriage to work.
I allowed him hold his guilty card with my trust and respect. 
He has returned me a totally brand new husband, responsible, loving and faithful ever since.
After 3 years, who cared about the OW and the cheating story in the past? Now we only care about each other. The OW means nothing and has no weights in his heart.
I knew he made mistake and cheated but I didn't need 100% transparency of the cheating story to double confirmed in details that I was badly cheated. 
If the spouse doesn't want to tell the whole true, if that means she/he still cares about how you feel. You know still have weights in her heart. Did she care only for her interest? No, otherwise she would tell you everything and leave without any guilty card in her hand. 
Forgive her and focus on developing a loving and positive future. 
Let bygones be bygones.
We're not saints. We all make mistakes. Marriage is not a jail.
You want to find next woman, when you fail to provide care and love to her sexual needs, always same infidelity issue will occur.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely -

I'm glad to hear that 3 years later, you and H are doing well and moved on. I'm only 6 months out, so I (we) aren't there yet.

Yes, she's no longer cheating. 
No, she hasn't returned completely yet and I truly believe that its because she hasn't fully come to grips with her actions/choices. I'm sure the thought "how could I do this?" runs across her mind constantly.

Do I want to know the whole truth? Yes.
Am I supposed to simply believe her (and give her my trust) that I have the whole truth, when every fiber in my body tells me that she's lied about the truth even after discovery?
Do I punish her or badger her about it? Not at all. At this point, she'll tell me if she wants to and there's nothing I could do to make her tell all. 
Am I looking for the next woman? Not at all.
Do I want marriage to be a "jail"? No, but right now it feels like we're both trapped by the enormous elephant in the room.

Wouldn't be easier to deal with the elephant with the truth and all the facts? I'm ready to deal with it when she is.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

How2BelieveAndMoveOn said:


> Do I want to know the whole truth? Yes.


To tell only part of the truth is very destructive. I only advocate not telling the partner in specific circumstances - a one-off mistake that you are certain you are not going to repeat and when you are fully committed to the marriage. In that case I think the more moral choice is to say nothing and get on with your life. 

Telling part of the truth or going the 'trickle truth' route just seems cruel.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with your last post Ms Lonely. But there is wide gap between the "whole truth" and NO truth.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dealing with the wife's EA, I mean pure EA, no physical issue with the OM, I would suggest, no dealing.
The more you want to deal with a woman's emotional problem, the bigger problem your will get. The more you want to investigate, the more trouble you will gain.
She will run away even faster from you.
So what to do? Focus on playing your role, a husband, a responsive and a romantic, fun loving man. 
Basically, you don't deal with nothing.
You only make yourself charming and attractive.
Being with you has lots of fun and excitement.
She will feel confused at first, but she will detach her emotion from the OM by herself.
Because, nobody can deal with a woman's emotion problem except herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Every woman knows she must fully commit to the marriage and her husband.
It's like every dog knows it must fully commit and loyal to its master.
When you don't feed and pay loving attention to your dog, of course your dog is hungry and start to look for food and love in the neighborhood.
You want to talk with your dog about it's disloyal behaviors or quickly bring it back to offer it a delicious beef steak? Give it lots of patting and call it good doggie and spend some time playing fetch with it.
Same for your wife, when you fail to feed her emotional food, she's hungry until she can't handle her hunger anymore, thus, she turned to the OM to get her emotional food.
You want to talk about her misbehavior of being disloyal or you want to quickly bring her back, offering her 5 star hotel buffet? Playing with her and give her lots of love? Which is the right thing to do?
Think about it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> I agree with your last post Ms Lonely. But there is wide gap between the "whole truth" and NO truth.


PA is a hell bigger issue in marriage with its combination of EA and PA.
It requires 500% caution to resolve it.
Nevertheless, it's same idea.
When EA shows the lacking of emotional food, the PA would be the lacking of physical food.
She's in terrible hunger.
When a person is in terrible hunger, the moral value will fade. 
She can basically go and steal food and won't feel sorry.
In that case, it's quite difficult to build up that moral value in her in a short time.
Even you want to offer her 5 star hotel buffet of emotional and physical food, it took sometime for her to understand and believe she won't be hungry anymore if she continues staying with you.
It took sometime for her to believe that you can actually forgive what she's done.
Her fog is much bigger and harder to get out.
It might take a year or two.
For this fog doesn't form in a short time. It took many years to form.
So to clear the fog she's in, it took a longer time as well.
If you still consider rekindle with her, you will need to wait for a good timing.
For example, when she's hospitalised, you show up being there for her.
The OM is married, it's not possible he can be there for her in every occasion.
Grasp that chance.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MsLonely said:


> She's in terrible hunger.
> When a person is in terrible hunger, the moral value will fade.
> She can basically go and steal food and won't feel sorry.


I see the parallel you are trying to make to cheating. However, there are limits to the construct.

You DIE if starving for food. And even with that risk there are resources such as food banks or churches, etc. 

A cheater also has resources and will not DIE if they do not cheat.

They can find counseling, exert self control, actually talk to their spouse, divorce them, etc.

That a cheater is unremorseful is a more about selfish behavior and disrespect than someone feeling no guilt for stealing a loaf of bread.


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## v149654k (Feb 3, 2011)

I am in the same situation. I'd lie to talk.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

michzz said:


> I see the parallel you are trying to make to cheating. However, there are limits to the construct.
> 
> You DIE if starving for food. And even with that risk there are resources such as food banks or churches, etc.
> 
> ...


Yes you are right. She can control her behaviors. 
Divorce involves too many other big issues. Not all the cheaters want to take care of these issues.
Mentally dying inside is more miserable than physically dying.
Some ppl can't get over mental torture they choose to commit suicided.
So mentally hunger is more torturing.
When divorce is not a choice, the only choice to relieve the mental pressure is to cheat when she's not able to control her behaviors anymore, her mind tells her to break free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dano (May 30, 2010)

Notinlove said:


> I posted this under another forum and I think it might have been the wrong one. So lets try it again under the one actually dealing with affairs...
> I am relieved to find an anonymous forum where I can just get this out and hopefully get some advice in return.
> My story is this:
> I got married when I was 23, right out of college. Ive been married for 8 years and we have a child together. I tried to get out of this years ago. I tried to talk to my family and to him. My family thought I was just going through something a lot of marriages go through, and the pain on his face when I brought it up was more than I could handle.
> ...


 You don't seem to put out any immediate indicators of a divorce within your marriage to your husband, like fighting for example. From the way I read your post you guys actually seem to get along quit well, you simply act more like roommates or friends.

I'm not a expert or anything, but from my similar experience and from what I have read time and time again. A troubled marriage like yours needs some assistance from outside the marriage to cause a divorce, something that will allow you to break out of your comfort zone, and that is a affair. So IMHO, if you decide to divorce your husband and not tell him about the affair, he will put two and two together.

You also need to realize that while the affair will hurt your husband severally , what will put him in true hell is his thoughts of another man or men being around his kid. That right there is the only reason I chose to work things out with my wife who cheated on me. 

I want to ask you a couple of questions..
You talk about how godly your husband is, as a father and a husband, yet you totally disrespect him by cheating and basically threaten to take his kid away in your post. Do you hate him for some reason? Is everything in your relationship all about you? Think about it first.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MsLonely said:


> When divorce is not a choice, the only choice to relieve the mental pressure is to cheat when she's not able to control her behaviors anymore, her mind tells her to break free.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stating this as truth does not make it true.

If for some reason divorce is not an option (legalities?) there is no reason she cannot just leave, go somewhere else.

There are always more choices that stay or cheat.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Yes, among all these choices, cheating is much easier to get nowadays, thanks to technology & internet.
You can engage in your fantasy world without having a physical contact.
Free from diseases.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I believe this is a STRING of PAs not EAs. Imagine the risk to the husbands LIFE!


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## vadu2006 (Jan 24, 2011)

Notinlove said:


> I posted this under another forum and I think it might have been the wrong one. So lets try it again under the one actually dealing with affairs...
> I am relieved to find an anonymous forum where I can just get this out and hopefully get some advice in return.
> My story is this:
> I got married when I was 23, right out of college. Ive been married for 8 years and we have a child together. I tried to get out of this years ago. I tried to talk to my family and to him. My family thought I was just going through something a lot of marriages go through, and the pain on his face when I brought it up was more than I could handle.
> ...


Be honest for a start. Your husband also deserves the chance for spending at least the rest of his life with a honest spouse. I understand you are having concerns that you might do a lot of damage, but you are still a liar. 
By the way, you describe an affair that lasted over a year as 'minor'. Sorry but that is disgusting.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The original thread holder has never returned to this thread. The new thread is 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...how-do-i-walk-away-post244699.html#post244699 

Suggest closing this thread.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Notinlove said:


> side note-have any of you gone through a seperation and end up seeing that you actually do love and need the person....
> 
> Im just wondering if we got seperated and he wasnt in my life anymore if Id miss him and want the family unit, or if Id know I was right, and moving on is best...


I am currently going thru a separation, I'll let you know.....
It's VERY difficult at first....rush of different kinds of emotions.
Guilt for your child etc...
I'm hoping to get thru this fog, be able to think clearly without constantly worrying about what HE'S feeling...

Good luck!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Just a girl - I listed where this thread went to in the post before yours. I would suggest you get and read NOT "Just Friends" by Glass.


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## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

Notinlove said:


> If he found out I deserve it. I would be upset he got hurt, but I fully deserve it.
> Yah id like to spare his feelings by sparing details. Again, its not that I dont want him to know what I've done bc I do deserve the judgement, I just would rather spare him the feelings I remember feeling when my dad did it to us...
> 
> I just want him to be happy and I think we are great friends and partners, but I know there is a woman out there who can be what he deserves. As good of a man as he is, I dont feel like he deserves someone like me seeing as what I've done.
> ...


 

The worst thing you can ever do is pity someone. You have this condescending attitude toward him that bothers me, personally. If you respect him at least a little bit, because he's such a great father and loves you and your kid unconditionally, he deserves for you to look at him in the eye and tell him the truth. All of it. You've lied enough, so it's time to be a woman and tell him what you've done.


I think you're mostly afraid of what's going to happen to your kids and you don't want to deal with divorce. I honestly think you only care for what's going to happen to you. Not him.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Please explain to me what you think a minor affair is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CHEATEDON12 (Jan 21, 2013)

Notinlove,

Your husband sounds like me in my relationship. Maybe you should give me his number so I can treat him like the king he is since you obviously cant love a real man! Thats just me "venting" as I am the spouse that did everything and was cheated on.

No for the non-judgemental advice,

You need to let him go b/c you are not honoring your marriage vows. You are completely selfish whether you believe it or not. "Talking to someone" will not make you love your husband. You need to look yourself in the mirror, ask yourself what you really want, and then go for it!

You've already defiled your marriage vows but please don't continue living a lie and making a fool out of your husband. But please be warned.. Once you walk away from TRUE LOVE... You rarely find it again.. And know that Karma has your name written all over it!

You will love again and they will hurt you... the wold is a circle as the web Karma spins around us.

I appreciate your honesty on here and just wanting to get it out but your husband would appreciate either a wife that wants to be in his life or a real woman who will make the right choices... just leave! Don't keep cheating!! Please... it hurts us too much


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi Shirley, is that you?( To the guys at TAM that banned me, this would be my version of humor!) Well, first off, its nice to hear what really happened finally. Its been twenty five years and the mind movies just keep on playing. Every porn movie or photo that I have seen has your head in it. You did so many things that I figured out after you left and I spoke to some of your friends on Facebook. Wow, it was really a shock. They told me of some of your affairs but not all. I had to dig deep to find out, but I did find out.
I do have some questions for you.
Why did you not have the ba$$s to say"Honey, this is not working out, I want to end it.?" before your spead your wares?
I can understand you falling out of love with me, again it would suck but not as much as your lying and cheating.
I can understand not caring about me, but why do you want the baby? Its not like you are going to be "Super Mom".
I think we should get a divorce, you really are not all that ,but I guess you are all right in your mind.
You might not believe this but I do wish you well in your life, its just a little hard when evey word you say to me is a lie. 
Oh, and about the "I don't want to hurt your feeling" I can handle it, no big deal really! I might cry and act stupid for a few days, but I will get over it.
If you do want to something good in your life, why don't you tell your husband the whole truth all at once. Tell him about TAM. File for divorce. Let him have your child and your home. You can visit in between the times that it works for you. Go out and find the love that is missing in your life, as you said "You only have one life to live." Thank you for opening on TAM. Good luck andI hope you take my advice. David


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

###### This thread died two years ago. ######


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Ugh I hate revived threads.


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