# My parents are making me have second doubts about my marriage...



## pinktulip (8 mo ago)

I am feeling very torn. My parents are amazing people, but they have a history of deep rooted mental issues including depression, anxiety and paranoia. They have also been betrayed by many in their lifetime. 

My parents, in particular my mother, do not seem to listen to me when I tell them that my marriage is just fine and that my partner and I need space from time to time. There are weekends when he will go away to visit family and I will spend the weekend at my parents house and this is something we have been doing for years. But my parents seem to think my husband has ulterior motives and is having an affair and such. Even though my husband video calls me 5-6 times a day. 

My parents are now making me doubt my own sanity and my own trust issues with my husband because of all the things they are saying - that he's out cheating, asking me why does he need to go? why isn't he spending time with me. My husband and I work from home and we spend every single day together so there are times when I look forward to a few days apart. It also helps us connect with ourselves and miss each other. 

How do I not let their negative thinking and thoughts effect me? 

I should also mention that I am 35 years old...


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You are a married adult. You are under no obligation to stay at your parents place or communicate to them what is happening in your marriage.

I have been married for almost 15 years and I want to give you a little tip. Keep whatever happens in your marriage between you and your spouse. Unless it's something like abuse, whatever you say or do with your spouse stays between you and your spouse unless they are ok with you talking to others about it. Breaking that rule is a trust violation and will cause issues. Trust me, I have been there before and it sucks.


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## pinktulip (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> You are a married adult. You are under no obligation to stay at your parents place or communicate to them what is happening in your marriage.
> 
> I have been married for almost 15 years and I want to give you a little tip. Keep whatever happens in your marriage between you and your spouse. Unless it's something like abuse, whatever you say or do with your spouse stays between you and your spouse unless they are ok with you talking to others about it. Breaking that rule is a trust violation and will cause issues. Trust me, I have been there before and it sucks.


Thank you for this. I try my best to live by these words and I and very private with my married life with my parents. But because of this they think the worst.. they think I am hiding stuff when all I've done in my 2 years of marriage is show nothing but happiness. I do a good job of keeping a distance between my parents and my husband because I know just how they are.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your parents are not a friend of your marriage in anyway. Firstly I would have less contact with them generally, and secondly you must set firm boundaries with them. So tell them clearly that if they start criticizing him or the marriage you are going to leave (if you are at their house) or put the phone down (if you are in a call). You have to stuck to that and be consistent. They won't like it but they are undermining your marriage.
Honestly I couldn't spend time with any family member who spoke about my husband like that or tried to break up my marriage.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your parents are trying to ruin your marriage and your appeasement is encouraging them. 
Do the words “NO MORE” exist in your vocabulary?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

As long as your marriage is good (in YOUR estimation) then let it roll off. Listen to what they say, be respectful, but ignore the bad vibes.
Easy to say, but work at it and you'll be surprised that it will usually work. If they get too insistent and negative or demand a reaction, then you have to draw a line and
let them know they have crossed it. This is your marriage, not theirs!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

That’s sad that your parents suffer from paranoia and they’re unable to just be happy for you and your husband. I think establishing boundaries as others have mentioned is the only way to stay sane. You can’t change your parents but I definitely think you need to be firm with them, saying that if they continue negatively speaking about your husband, you’ll see them less. Hopefully they stop. It’s unfortunate that they are so worried that someone is going to wrong you, they’re missing all the good in your marriage. In an odd way, it may be how they show how they care about you.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It’s probably a woman thing, but at 35 years old as a man I didn’t want anything to do with my parents. My wife was joined at the hip with her mom, I don’t get it.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

pinktulip said:


> I do a good job of keeping a distance between my parents and my husband because I know just how they are.


Do your parents and your husband spend any time together? Maybe part of the issue is that you have purposefully created distance and they don’t know him that well.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

pinktulip said:


> My parents are amazing people, but they have a history of deep rooted mental issues including depression, anxiety and paranoia. They have also been betrayed by many in their lifetime.


I wouldn't put much credence in the opinions of people with "deep rooted mental issues," even if they are your parents. It would behoove you to find somewhere else to spend your weekends. Frankly, I'd think being alone would be better than spending time with people who are as deeply troubled as you claim.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pinktulip said:


> I am feeling very torn. My parents are amazing people, but they have a history of deep rooted mental issues including depression, anxiety and paranoia. They have also been betrayed by many in their lifetime.
> 
> My parents, in particular my mother, do not seem to listen to me when I tell them that my marriage is just fine and that my partner and I need space from time to time. There are weekends when he will go away to visit family and I will spend the weekend at my parents house and this is something we have been doing for years. But my parents seem to think my husband has ulterior motives and is having an affair and such. Even though my husband video calls me 5-6 times a day.
> 
> ...


I mean, can't you tell he's at his parents' by talking to one of his parents? That seems simple enough. Text and say, "Are you keeping Kevin in line while he's there?" If they text back bewildered, you have your answer. If they start telling you what they're doing, you have the answer you want and you can tell your parents you talked to them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unless you’re asking their opinion, it’s none of their business.


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## pinktulip (8 mo ago)

Bluesclues said:


> Do your parents and your husband spend any time together? Maybe part of the issue is that you have purposefully created distance and they don’t know him that well.


Yes they spend time together. There are days where he wants to go over and spend time with my parents, take them over coffee or dinner. They have great conversations while together. 

My husband's parents and family are all in another country - a different continent to be exact. And so he has some family here but they live an hour out of town. I think it's more of a paranoia thing that when my husband goes out to town to spend time with them, and I come home, they think that he's out doing the worst. Even though he is literally kicking back a few beers with his guy cousins.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You are probably better off just staying home or seeing friends, etc. They have expressed their concerns, and that should have been the end of it unless you asked to talk about it further. 

If my parents had their way, I'd be divorced right now. It's not their marriage, not their choice. Same goes for your parents.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't get why either of you have to stay there the whole weekend, an hour drive is nothing, but each to their own.

I love having the house to myself when hubby and daughter go away for the weekend, lol, I get to binge watch my favourite shows and order take away dinner, lol.

Tell your parents to butt out of your marriage, and for your own sanity stop spending entire weekends there.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

frusdil said:


> Tell your parents to butt out of your marriage, and for your own sanity stop spending entire weekends there.


^^^THIS^^^. And the next time they bring it up, tell them to mind their own damn business.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why do you have to go stay with your parents so much?

It's also telling that you called going to your parents' house "home".

By your age you should be transitioning to your own "home" and an ability to be alone in it if your husband is away.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s probably a woman thing, but at 35 years old as a man I didn’t want anything to do with my parents. My wife was joined at the hip with her mom, I don’t get it.


you’re the odd goose on that possibly…. My dad is 81 and my best friend. We’ve been hanging out together almost daily for years.

why wouldn’t a person want to spend time with the people that love them most?
I am about to go fix a ceiling fan at my other best friend’s mom’s house. I look forward to spending time with her and his dad, too. My best friend pretty much shared his mom with me.

I do, however, totally agree that these parents are troublesome. A man who is cheating rarely video chats 5 or 6 times a day with his wife. Sounds like he adores her to me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

pinktulip said:


> I am feeling very torn. My parents are amazing people, but they have a history of deep rooted mental issues including depression, anxiety and paranoia. They have also been betrayed by many in their lifetime.
> 
> My parents, in particular my mother, do not seem to listen to me when I tell them that my marriage is just fine and that my partner and I need space from time to time. There are weekends when he will go away to visit family and I will spend the weekend at my parents house and this is something we have been doing for years. But my parents seem to think my husband has ulterior motives and is having an affair and such. Even though my husband video calls me 5-6 times a day.
> 
> ...


Sit them both down and tell them that whilst you love them they are undermining your marriage and your happiness. Lay down a boundary. if they continue to do this you will have no choice but to reduce contact with them. if they do not listen, stop visiting them or calling them for a while to show them you mean business.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You say your parents are not listening to you. Here's a better idea: stop listening to them. 

When your husband goes away, do something else other than go to mom & dad's. If you don't show up on their door they have less room or reason to plant doubts in your head.


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

No matter what they say, you should know your marriage better than they do. So consider the source of the criticism. Tell them thanks for caring, and move on with your life.


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