# wife says she's done...that I am too needy?



## markhend (Nov 25, 2013)

My wife over the last week has told me she wants a divorce but not until after christmas. She says I am never happy and everything I do for her is to manipulate her and get my needs filled and that she is exhausted. I have listened to her and agree to a point. I actually have two doctor appointments this week and reserched some online and beleive that I have some severe anxiety and depresssion issues. I have told her that I see some of this and going to see some professionals for help. She told me that I need to suffer to get better because I have "made" her suffer so long. At this point I can only look into my issues and see what happerns. With no expectations. We have 3 kids two at college and one in middle school.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is really done with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartInPieces (Sep 13, 2013)

I think you still have a chance at save your marriage. You still have up to Christmas to convince her you can change. Don’t give just yet “Where there's a will, there's a way”


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

1 month to change the course of your marriage, of your life.. forever.

That's a rather tall order.

You're going to have to fake it til you make it.

Everything you've been doing that has pushed her away needs to stop and you need to do the exact opposite.

The stakes are high.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

markhend said:


> She told me that I need to suffer to get better because I have "made" her suffer so long..


What????

You have to suffer?

Dude, your old lady *just* wants you to suffer. It has nothing to do with you getting better.

If you want to get "better" you don't have to suffer you have to feel good about your self for working on your self. Others reap the rewards by your betterment and in turn are happy for you.

I have a sense there is more to this then you and your "problems"...she may have other influences in her life that are effecting the deterioration of this marriage.

I guess "for better or for worse" doesn't go as far as it did back in the day.

Man ol man your wife seems off in her thinking when it comes to having a healthy relationship with you. Thats my $0.02


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't beg her to reconsider.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You may not get her back, but you may need to improve on you. You may be like me. I have tried to man up and take care of the things that a man should do.

I have detached emotionally and I have quit pursuing her.
I have been working out and trying to project confidence. I've had to fake it to make it, but it's working.

Read no more mr nice guy, and married man's sex life primer.
These 2 books are bantied about here, but these 2 books have helped me.

I have come to the understanding that I can make it with her or without her.

Things are getting better between us, but I'm not where I want to be yet. We have been married 31 years now, so I'm trying to make the best of it. Good luck to you and stay strong.

Don't be needy or clingy.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> She says I am never happy and everything I do for her is to *manipulate her* and get my needs filled and that she is exhausted I have listened to her and agree to a point.
> 
> I have some *severe anxiety and depression issues*


Congratulations on getting two doctor’s appointments. You seem to be open to change and not defensive. Get all the help that you can because you need to get better regardless if your wife leaves you or not. Nobody will put up with a manipulator that has severe anxiety and depressions issues for very long.

*Getting the right help will be an advantage but remember it is YOU that will have to change and do the hard work to get better. *


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What your wife said was a really cruel thing to say and uncalled for.

IMO. If your going to the doctor tog get the help you need then do it for yourself and let her go on her merry way. I could understand if you were beating her up and abusing her in a verbal manner, then she would have an excuse.

She has a right to be mad. We all get pissed off at some time but she doesn't have the right to get ugly. Inexcusable.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't think she loves you. I'm coming to grips with this in my own marriage. Sucks but such is life.


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## khans (Dec 1, 2013)

yes ..cool down ... start impressing her .. give her vip status in home ..


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## khans (Dec 1, 2013)

no dont give her improtance .. she has got ego .. just find new


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Did she ever tell you that your behavior was bothering her before it got to that stage?

I think similar behaviors bothered by ex who recently left me (I was apparently the needy one) and he said he was exhausted from handling it too, although there were other reasons at play.

I have heard from many people that its very draining dealing with this sort of thing..but from my end, I was not aware I was actually like that.

you deserve a chance for her to explain what bothers her and for you to act on that information.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Can someone please delineate the concept of "fake it 'til you make it" in the context of marital discord?


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

khans said:


> yes ..cool down ... start impressing her .. give her vip status in home ..


NO wtf that is terrible advice! Don't do that OP! 
Impress her by improving you for you and don't do it for her whatever you do.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Can someone please delineate the concept of "fake it 'til you make it" in the context of marital discord?


Depends on the discord. If one spouse thinks the other has been too clingy and needy, and they've lost the attraction as a result, and they're thinking about stepping out of the relationship; the insecure spouse needs to toughen up and give the more independent spouse some space, and act strong even if they don't feel like it.

If a spouse has been cheated on, and they feel like they're going to fall apart because they don't want to lose the cheating spouse, the last thing they're going to want to do is act pathetic and beg and try to "win back" the wayward spouse, even though that might be their first impulse. They need to pull back, live their own life and act like they don't need the cheater in their life, possibly even going so far as filing for divorce. These techniques are part of a larger strategy which is often referred to as "the 180".


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Can someone please delineate the concept of "fake it 'til you make it" in the context of marital discord?


I think I've entered this. I am completely unhappy with what it seems my marriage has become and the healthy threat of her leaving tomorrow. I've decided to focus on convincing myself ( and her too) that I just don't care as much anymore. Actually I think it's working, because I'm focusing on myself and parenting and improving at both. If she wants to stick around, cool. If not, cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

BostonBruins32 said:


> I think I've entered this. I am completely unhappy with what it seems my marriage has become and the healthy threat of her leaving tomorrow. I've decided to focus on convincing myself ( and her too) that I just don't care as much anymore. Actually I think it's working, because I'm focusing on myself and parenting and improving at both. If she wants to stick around, cool. If not, cool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm right there with you bro.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Marhend, your appointments and the admittance are owning your part of this, good for you! Wonderful start. Follow thru.


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## rabbislatkin (Sep 23, 2013)

It is great that you are taking responsibility for your part in the relationship, though I wonder how much of your wife's behavior is due to the influence of others. Perhaps she is triggered by "needy" people, regardless of your contribution? The things that really bother us about our spouse are usually mostly about us. It might be helpful for her to get conscious about why you are bothering her so much and what you are triggering in her. If you have an idea, try to have some compassion for her story. It may help her feel heard.

If you are willing to get help and change, why doesn't she give you a chance? Saying that you have to suffer because you made her suffer sounds like revenge and not someone who is genuinely interested in a relationship. If she has thought so hard about the issue and plotted a date for the divorce, she may have already made up her mind and has been talking to others. The best hope you have is to take responsibility and commit to working on the relationship. You can tell her how important the marriage is to you and that you want to work together. To throw it away without giving it a chance is unfair to your children and unfair to each other.


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