# Why cheaters are so easy to catch



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After all I've seen in my own life, and here, I believe that it's so easy to catch cheaters because:

They want to get caught.
They don't care if they get caught.

The ones that are hard to catch are just out for sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The ones who get caught are mostly the ones who are easy to catch because they are careless.

Many of the ones who are careful never get caught, so you wouldn't know they were cheating.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mine said on twitter "I should leave my phone and iPad in the nightstand unlocked so I can speed up this divorce". 
At the time I didn't even know she wanted one.

Many are doing things in public, leaving obvious clues.

Then again, a recent poster had a 15 year affair and hid it.

I guess you're right. You never know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm pretty sure my ex didn't want to get caught. He had this whole elaborate lie planned out to hide the fact that he met the OW before he asked me for a separation. He was going to tell everyone they met after our divorce was final, but that they'd been friends in high school, so they'd really known each other a long time. I know because he still told his own brother that lie after we divorced at the end of July, and he moved her down from another state to live with him in early September. I guess he thought his brother and I, who've known each other for 27 years, would never talk to each other again.

It must have really annihilated his grand plan when I found out about her in February, and that was because he got careless.

It's not that they don't care about getting caught - they do. It's that they get so buried in The Fog, and all that oxycotin makes them feel somewhat high all the time and therefore invincible, that they don't believe they could possibly get caught, so they stop trying so hard to hide it.

I'm going to get in trouble with some cheaters here, but I liken them to serial killers. Most of those @ssholes eventually get caught, too. And that's because they get c0cky - they believe they're invincible - and then they get careless. They do things like return to the scene of the crime in broad daylight, or, in Kenneth Bianchi's case, they lead the cops to their own crime scenes.

Yep - c0ckiness and carelessness. Some say in all cases that there is a subconscious desire to get caught. I don't believe that. They really think they can't be.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Actually, most cheaters DON'T get caught - the SEX only situations. Its the affairs that effect EMOTION which are harder to hide. So most affairs that happen are unknown.
Lets say a guy has sex with 10 other women over a 5 year period who are NOT his wife. But woman #10 he falls for and sees regularly - he maybe caught with that one.

I think those WHO plan to have an affair will do better to hide than those who fall into the Co-worker emotional situations.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And some people do not even realise they are cheating.

I was having an EA for a couple of months, but did not realise this. It was only when I was seconds away from unprotected PIV sex with the OW that I realised what was happening. The removal of the fog in about a nanosecond was a really weird experience.

I confessed all to my wife as soon as possible.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I catch people very easily but I learned to read people a long time ago.

I honestly think it is harder for the BS because of the trust and love needed for a committed relationship.

It is another taken for granted gift that a WS craps on in their selfish destruction.

No, You do not love people you are cheating on and I don't need the exit affair excuse. Betrayal is capitalizing on the gift of trust a spouse gives them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think A LOT of affairs don't get found out.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You could always get a new protest sign and find other places to parade march. (your avatar)


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

soccermom2three said:


> I think A LOT of affairs don't get found out.


I a stat a while ago that showed that 3/4 of female affairs went undiscovered. The damage that cheating causes is a diversion in energy to someone else. Maybe there are those that can do it without diverting energy? I tend to think otherwise, instead theorizing that these are relationships in which both individuals are complacent and foolhardy.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I think A LOT of affairs don't get found out.


I know for a fact this is true.

I've noticed some common denominators though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It was more than obvious that my first W was having an affair as all of the red flags were there!

With my RSXW, none of the signs were there, as I was lovingly duped by her! Didn't find out any of her improprieties until we were in the midst of our "trial separation!"

And trust me, finding out about it that way was much like being given the choice of either getting slugged in the gut, or being kicked in the nuts!*


----------



## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *It was more than obvious that my first W was having an affair as all of the red flags were there!
> 
> With my RSXW, none of the signs were there, as I was lovingly duped by her! Didn't find out any of her improprieties until we were in the midst of our "trial separation!"
> 
> And trust me, finding out about it that way was much like being given the choice of either getting slugged in the gut, or being kicked in the nuts!*


Sir, did you not wear your codpiece? ....LOL. Take care Arb....


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Redactus said:


> Sir, did you not wear your codpiece? ....LOL. Take care Arb....


*Can't afford one, @Redactus! I may have to go beach combing soon and find me a coconut shell and a big rubber band!*


----------



## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Can't afford one, @Redactus! I may have to go beach combing soon and find me a coconut shell and a big rubber band!*


Well, I have a Jamaican coconut shell which I've been using and a spare, which I can send you if you don't mind the loose fit....LOL.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I guess I stand corrected. Mine wAs easy.
Some of these guys going through now, what I went through recently, have 10 red flags and can't see it.

I had several, never guessed either. 
I was totally trusting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

One reason they are easy to catch are cell phones and texting (AKA being stupid enough to leave strong written evidence of your shenanigans)


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its hard to say if things have changed since the studies have been done but some studies have said 80% of affairs are never discovered.

I wonder if the internet has given a new tool for suspicious spouses to look up suspicious redflags and then do a little detective work. Unfortunately, workplace affairs can go on forever with few redflags if any. 

Add to that, it seems cheating has skyrocketed with the advent of the internet and social media.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Narcissistic and extremely immoral liars seem to be in abundance in these situations as well.

Maybe they didn't start that way but were just too weak to stop themselves from becoming expect backstabbers.

I do believe many cheaters started out with narcissistic and immoral tendencies to begin with however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

What Evinrude had referred to in a prior post about a 15 year affair, was I believe a work affair. 

From what I've seen those can go on as long as the affairees work together as they have the perfect cover.

That's what happened to my W and OM-1 empty buildings, time together. I'm sure my W still feels guilty about the hours she was clocked in and not working. 

Tamat


----------



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I'm also wondering how workplace affairs can get caught.

Let's say one spouse has an affair with someone at work, but decides to lock their phone so their spouse can't see them texting anyone.
They could avoid VaRs by keeping their conversations and interactions limited to their work environment, the OP's car or a local restaurant.

They could meet up to hangout and pretend they have to work OT, or they're going out with their work friends for a drink, or a company dinner.

Seems easy enough, and I'm sure there are many that, despite their spouse seeing some red flags, they never really get down to proving it. 

Unless there are ways around the aforementioned activities.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

TaDor said:


> Actually, most cheaters DON'T get caught


People say this, but it doesn't make it true. And it depends on what 'caught' means.

Most people, I think, know something's off. We have millions of years of behavioural perception instincts evolutionarily hard-wired into us. 

And just because you don't get caught immediately after it happens, doesn't mean you won't get caught eventually. We've all heard stories of the spouse finding out after the cheater dies, or 'surprise, I've got a kid,' or 'what do you mean Doctor, I have an STD.'

Over the lifespan of a human being, I would say it's _more_ likely that your spouse knows something than that they know nothing.

And -- there's also human nature. If you get away with it once, you're likely to do it again. And the more you do it, the more you're going to increase the odds of slipping up, or arrogantly think that you'll never get caught. I simply do not buy the 'you can do it once and realize what a mistake you've made' arguement in general.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JukeboxHero said:


> I'm also wondering how workplace affairs can get caught.
> 
> Let's say one spouse has an affair with someone at work, but decides to lock their phone so their spouse can't see them texting anyone.
> They could avoid VaRs by keeping their conversations and interactions limited to their work environment, the OP's car or a local restaurant.
> ...


*This *is how office affairs get found out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRLhbTGpof4
(New Zealand, a year ago...)


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> *This *is how office affairs get found out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRLhbTGpof4
> (New Zealand, a year ago...)


Hey Matt, 

Do you think she cried tears of joy when her fiancé proposed and gave her a nice ring? 

Guy at a place I used to work, a likely AP, was well known to sleep with married women. He was carrying on and affair with a woman for, what I was told was 3 years. It was true, as this woman approached me after I returned to work from being off for a period of time and asked if I could get my wife away from this guy. I guess she wanted him back.

Yeah, eff me, or sucks to be me. 

So, it's true that they communicated at work. It's true that it can be unkown by a loving trusting husband and his two beautiful toddlers. Yeah, she brought them to work once. Poor husband and children of her's. 

I had to work with her for a little time. I tried to make nice because I heard she was a b****. She was and I didn't want a target on my back. This guy who was seeing her, confronted me. Yeah, thought because I was being nice in front of others, too, that I might be trying to move in on "his" woman. What a effed up dude.

Edit: She was not only a B, but she was hot, too. You see how she got away with it?


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> And some people do not even realise they are cheating.
> 
> I was having an EA for a couple of months, but did not realise this. It was only when I was seconds away from unprotected PIV sex with the OW that I realised what was happening. The removal of the fog in about a nanosecond was a really weird experience.
> 
> I confessed all to my wife as soon as possible.


Bravo! How well did she and the both of you handle it?


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

No doubt about it. Workplace is the new incubator of affairs. Stat a that in a lot of books on infidelity . Harder to catch and harder to stop except if you believe the literature that says women get more emotionally attached to OM, that is what leads to getting caught .

I believe that most ONS or sex only affairs never get caught . Last estimate I read was over 50% or close to it on married folks cheat at some point on marriage . 

When the sex only affair evolves to more than that is when most of them get caught . Then hiding it becomes harder interacting with your spouse and the electronic trail gets longer , making it easier to detect.

I'll never believe most want to get caught. I believe most do it because they believe they will never get caught .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> And some people do not even realise they are cheating.
> 
> I was having an EA for a couple of months, but did not realise this. *It was only when I was seconds away from unprotected PIV sex with the OW that I realised what was happening.* The removal of the fog in about a nanosecond was a really weird experience.
> 
> I confessed all to my wife as soon as possible.


Hmm, it seems like the fact that you were about to cheat should have been obvious a bit sooner than *that*. >


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TaDor said:


> Bravo! How well did she and the both of you handle it?


I think it was then that my wife realised how badly her affair had affected me and we spoke honestly about our marriage.

I was on seroxat for a while and my wife used her training as a psychologist and counsellor to help me get myself back together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> Hmm, it seems like the fact that you were about to cheat should have been obvious a bit sooner than *that*. >


I was in some very serious heavy duty denial fog.

My wife kept telling me that I was having an affair with the OW but I knew better.

Until the fateful night when I realised that I didn't know betterand had been having an affair all along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Narcissistic and extremely immoral liars seem to be in abundance in these situations as well.
> 
> Maybe they didn't start that way but were just too weak to stop themselves from becoming expect backstabbers.
> 
> ...


This is true. If one has access to their backgrounds and histories, many time you will find prior infidelities, as well as abuse, dishonesty and other flaws consistent with lifelong pathology. Their flaws are not confined to lack of sexual fidelity. Their disorder is pervasive.


----------



## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And some people do not even realise they are cheating.
> 
> I was having an EA for a couple of months, but did not realise this. It was only when I was seconds away from unprotected PIV sex with the OW that I realised what was happening. The removal of the fog in about a nanosecond was a really weird experience.
> 
> I confessed all to my wife as soon as possible.


If you don't mind me asking, did you go through with it? Just placing myself in that position, and most guys I think, it would be hard to just stop...which is why I'd have to avoid putting myself into that situation in the first place.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KJ_Simmons said:


> If you don't mind me asking, did you go through with it? Just placing myself in that position, and most guys I think, it would be hard to just stop...which is why I'd have to avoid putting myself into that situation in the first place.


It sounds weird, but I saw, as if she was actually in the room with us, an image of my wife's face.

The fog was stripped away from me in well under a second.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I think it was then that my wife realised how badly her affair had affected me and we spoke honestly about our marriage.
> 
> I was on seroxat for a while and my wife used her training as a psychologist and counsellor to help me get myself back together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, your wife cheated on you, and you almost did the same thing back to her on a subconscious level?

I kind of almost did that too myself. It wasn't an affair - but it was about to be sexual. "If she's going to F-someone else and destroy our marriage - I might as well get some too" - but in the end, I couldn't - too emotionally destroyed at that moment... and later, I know I wouldn't have felt right about it. Two wrongs don't make a right.

PS: I told my wayward about it, since being honest is required for rebuilding a relationship.


----------

