# Just the beginning



## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

My husband and I have been working on things for 3 or so years. He came to me initially and said he was unhappy. It was actually a really great conversation and we both shared how overwhelmed and disconnected things had become over the years. We have a 14, 11 and 7 year old. The baby years were tough. He felt particularly disconnected physically. We went to counseling, a sex therapist, recognized it was more than not enough sex but that we needed to work on our communication, etc... We worked on both communication and our physical relationship, both improved a lot. 
Trying to boil this down is tough. 
Anyway, a year or so ago, he told me he was still unhappy and thought he wanted to separate. He feels we are incompatible and that he is in over his head. I felt we had been working hard and making good progress. He still felt things were not where he wanted them to be. We kept working on our communication skills. He continued with therapy for himself because he felt much of this was him figuring out who he is.
In May, he shared that he still thought he wanted to separate but wanted to give it 3 more months and was going to go on an antidepressant to see if that helped with his emotions. I agreed to wait 3 more months, I love him, I wanted this to work out. We had a good summer, spent good family time, were physical, felt connected. The waiting and limbo has been hard for me. We were still intimate, he still told me he loves me. This week, I told him I needed an answer, the waiting and wondering was too hard and unfair. He said he still wants to separate.
If he had been a jerk, had an affair, told me he wasnt in love anymore, this would make more sense. However, that is not how things have gone. Also, it is hard for me to process that he is willing to do this not just to me but to our kids. 
I think he feels he is a more solitary person. He let me lead most of our life and now is in a situation where he just isn't happy and can't keep up and feel like himself. I sort of feel like it is a midlife crisis but it doesn't really matter what it is, the fact is, he is moving out. 
I guess I'm hoping to connect with someone who has experienced something similar and can give some guidance, support, insight. Thanks.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I find your situation interesting and I can't help but draw parallels between your husband and myself. From your post though, I can't get a good sense of what the problem is. Maybe that's because you don't know yourself. I'll tell you, for me; when I feel the way it sounds your husband feels it either has to do with a lack of sex (which it sounds like you've fixed), sexual rejection (or past resentments about rejection) or the big one, a lack of affirmation and respect. I think my wife respects me in certain ways, but she doesn't show it well. I'm very successful but I've never heard her brag about me. She's actually never given me a personal compliment, even though I've mentioned it many times. I don't think she knows how. 

So anyway, I'm just wondering what his current complaints are and if you stroke his ego with positive comments and affirmation? I suppose it's more or less a MLC....and I get that. I'm 44 and married 23 years and many days I just don't feel fulfilled.

If you think there are parallels, I'll give you whatever insight I can into how he might be feeling.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Is he wanting a trial separation or a more permanent one? A separation may not be the end of the world. It may give him the space to figure out how good he actually has it.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

WorkingOnMe: Thanks for your reply...Two of the current complaints are that he feels he is in over his head and he feels we are incompatible. In regards to feeling over his head, we have 3 kids. Over these past few years he has done a lot of reflecting on his personality type (INTP) and what he would have found as a fulfilling life. He loves our kids, however, he now realizes that three kids is too much for him. Our family life in general is just overwhelming to him. I think he imagines living alone will give him the alone time he desires, since he will only have the kids part of the time. He will also get to do things by his rules. He feels I took charge of our life and admits that he didn't voice any opinion until a few years ago. He still holds some resentment for this I suppose even though he knows he was a contributor.
In regards to being incompatible, he is an idea guy and I am a concrete thinker. He also has a hard time with me being emotional when we have conversations. He needs to talk through things, even if they come across as insensitive. We have worked hard on this and I have tried to learn how to understand his communication style without taking everything to heart.
Yes, the sexual component was definitely an issue for many years but we came so far. Our sexual relationship became a priority for both of us as well as our connection emotionally. He did have issues with sexual rejection, particularly the years when the kids were young but we learned a lot about how things transpired and how we wanted to live differently with one another.
As far as complimenting him, this is something he has brought up. I worked on making this a priority. I suppose I never found the right way to compliment him because he didn't take the compliments as sincere. We talked about this and he agreed that for whatever reason, he didn't feel it was genuine or presented the right way for him. We never really came to an understanding of how I could do this in a way that he felt I meant it. He is bright, he is witty, kind, loving and knows how to give me strong hugs like no one else. I already miss him so much.
We are also 44, met in highschool, so we have been together since we were 17. I think for him that is another issue. He never explored his sexuality with other women, or even his emotional landscape for that matter. He says exploring his sexuality with others isn't a key factor in wanting to separate but I wonder if he just doesn't have the heart to tell me it is.
I would love your input. It is painful to look at the future and see the person I love walking away, particularly when we have three kids that are going to be so negatively effected by this. I don't think any of them have a clue. We don't fight. I do cry when we talk sometimes but I've used good covers and they know I cry easily. The whole thing sucks.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Sounds like he is regretting never having had much in the way of life experiences before being married and becoming a father. Pretty common "grass looks greener" scenario, especially in the mid-forties. He is imagining a different kind of life, free of the day to day routine of being a husband and parent. 

Sounds like he has been in this mental place for a long time. Maybe a separation is the best way for him to decide what he wants. It does not sound like he will be able to recognize what he has, or really make a decision about what he wants, unless he has the time and space he thinks he wants. If he does not leave, he will not suddenly decide all is well and settle back into your lives together. A separation may not result in him wanting to return either...but it seems necessary to me. If couseling hasn't done it, and your improved physical and emotional intimacy hasn't done it...not sure what will. 

I think you need to let him go, and if possible, only communicate with regards to the children, for a while. Let him see what life will be like away from you and the kids. He will either want to return, or not. If he doesn't, then your marriage was more or less doomed anyway. If he does want to come back, make sure it is what you really want too. You may find your life to be much less stressful without his presence.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

I think it is true that if he doesn't leave, he will always question "what if". It is so painful to let someone you love go. And I am scared about how this will effect the kids.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

To still hoping...
Just and observation about the compliments thing.... You say you have tried but not able to do it in a way he feels that it seems sincere. Just thinking possibility that you are right here. Is he a verbal man? That words are the "be & all" of him? 
I mean, if he's a verbal man, then verbal compliments should be appropriate. But, you say he is "loving and knows how to give me strong hugs like no one else". Sounds like he is more of the "showing"(Physical gestures) emotion, then verbal.
I think it would be more of this type of compliment he might respond to more..

IE: Not just words" You look great tonight" or "That suit looks nice". You might mean it, but something more like touching his hair, combing your fingers thru in a soft loving gesture, while saying "This hair cut really becomes you"..."I love the feel of your hair". Instead of 'You look nice'. A goose of the buns and a soft "mmmm.... Nice". 

When introducing him to people, not just "This is my husband, Xxxx. He does xxxx" (Verbal), but while you are introducing, slip you hand into his elbow and pat the arm "THIS is my man.."(showing a physical loving possession)" This guy is a wonderful father"...etc. Maybe even slip an arm around the shoulder while talking about him. Or a quick rest of your head onto his shoulder (If you are already standing close to each other)... If it's a compliment about fatherhood, maybe while he's with one of the children, touching both of them at same time on shoulders, and saying simply, "It makes me feel good seeing you two talking". Or he comes home,, sit him down, and take his shoes off, and massage his feet a little while you say "I really do appreciate your hard work you do for our family".... "Have you been on your feet today? You must feel exhausted"... (Whatever is appropriate)..,, 

Okay, that was all if he is an "physical action" signs of affection.

Does he show with "Gifts"?? Then gifts back to him. You can get him flowers (Yes, flowers for a man), and when he comes home.. "Here, these are for you, in appreciation of your hard work today.". "I've made cookies/ Cake... for you & the kids to share- Just because I love you and don't show you enough".
"Oh...I've found a great shirt I thought you would like" but a compliment with a gift. Get it?

Summary:
Sorry, I'm not good with words or expressing my thoughts concisely sometimes. I'm just thinking maybe he doesn't 'believe' your compliments are sincere because, possibly, you're not touching into his form of love communications.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is a tough spot.

To him feeling overwhelmed-is he an only child? My wife is, and starts to lose her mind if she doesn't get space and time alone with regular frequency. Do you afford him that? Maybe just grabbing the kids and going out for a Saturday while leaving him to enjoy some personal time? Or encouraging him to go enjoy a day to himself? 

As to the compliments, I really like what Chelle wrote. Very few things make me feel as good as when my wife finds ways to show her admiration towards me in front of others. Chelle's recommendations were spot on.

However, it may have reached the point that you have to let him go. If there is truly no affair (and it would behoove you to rule it out), giving him some space to miss you and the kids may be just what is needed.

One other perspective to consider. I know that I have zero interest in loving someone that is not into me. My attitude towards that is something like:

"Thank you. I will never forget what you have given me. Now it's time for me to move on and find someone who is willing to love me as intensely as I love them".

To some degree your husband is having an unhealthy need met by sitting on the fence. The aforementioned attitude does wonders for making someone stop fence-sitting and make a decision. Of course, you have to be truly, truly prepared for either outcome or it is just hollow words.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Chelle: Those are such good ideas, wish I had tried more things like that over the past couple of years. Physical touch, I did learn, was important to him and I made an effort to do that, often. I would rub his back, give him a back scratch, grab his butt, bite his neck when kissing him. He loved these things and those were always appreciated and embraced. But matching them with a compliment, damn, wish I had thought of that.

Farsidejunky: I do think things are too far gone and it is time for me to just let go. I don't think he will ever be able to live his life fully and will grow to be bitter if he stays. I am a feeler and this is rocking me emotionally. I want to hold out hope that maybe he will want to come back but I think it is true that I have to just move on and let him sincerely do the same.

Thanks for the input, even if I can't change the past, maybe I'll learn for a future relationship. Or at least have a more honest understanding of how things fell apart.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Keep communicating with him until he chooses to go. 

When that happens, I suspect it will not be long for him to want to be near you again. 

Just my suspicion anyway.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

stillhoping01 said:


> I think it is true that if he doesn't leave, he will always question "what if". It is so painful to let someone you love go. And I am scared about how this will effect the kids.


OP,
I would posit that your husband is merely immature and therefore selfish. I identify with almost every trait of intp personality however I remained a faithful husband and father. I never even considered leaving my family. I have never thought that I was "in over my head" because I felt that nothing was beyond my ability, much more so in my youth than now but I still believe that I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. Your H needs to simply see his family for what it is, the most important position he will ever hold. Husband and father is a daunting responsibility but not one to be anxious over but rather one to work diligently to excel at.

Your H needs to "get over himself" and set about taking care of his duties as H and father. Life is full of what ifs and no one can know how life would be given different variables and how is it relevant anyway. Life has given him, through his choices and through fate, this set of variables and to expend energy contemplating what life would could be like if given different variables is futile and nonsensical. Tell your husband to forget the what ifs and concentrate on the what is, the here and now, in this reality. He is a husband and father, it's time he man up and accept that and set about being the best he can be.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Speaking from the perspective of some one more like your husband:

I notice you say you have tried x,y and z. But are there perhaps other things you may be doing that run counter to those actions? I know my ex did things to try to engage me, but they were on her terms and not mine. (some what selfish on my part, but valid all the same, since it was my needs that I was looking to have met). So for every positive act, statement or attempt, there seemed to be offsetting messages and signals that ultimately undermined whatever effort she was attempting.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

NoChoice: Me telling him to man up definitely would not go over well. I think that would make him feel that more justified. I think he feels he can do as good of a job or better as a father with having the kids part of the time. I don't think he sees the concrete ramifications but I can't show him those things, he will just have to experience them himself. I think he thinks he will feel less stressed. It seems selfish to me. In regards to being a husband, I think he feels we are incompatible and doesn't see enough growth over the past few years. I think he believes he can only be the best he can be under a different roof. I do appreciate your input. 
Ynot: I am sure there are things I have done that offset the positives. I think that is where he feels the incompatibility comes in.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

stillhoping01 said:


> Ynot: I am sure there are things I have done that offset the positives. I think that is where he feels the incompatibility comes in.


Are they things you can change or are they things that you can't? Have you actually talked about these things? Can you talk about them?
I speak from the experience of having an ex who perhaps thought she was doing her best to make me happy. Looking back on it though, she never asked me what would make me happy and just assumed she knew. Sadly I did the same thing. One of my lessons I guess?
We all come into marriage with some predetermined idea of what it is about. Along with those ideas come expectations of the way things should be. Most of us are too proud, too dumb or most likely too ignorant of the things we don't know to ever really try to find out. You seem to be willing to look. Maybe your husband isn't/can't.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Are they things you can change or are they things that you can't? Have you actually talked about these things? Can you talk about them?


There are things I have changed and things he has changed. We have talked about these things and worked hard to recognize and understand what the other needed in order to feel seen and loved. The physical piece was the really big one for him and that we worked on and made a lot of progress. We were still physical until last week when he said he does want to separate. There were other things we worked on and changed as well. But he holds resentment from the past, I think. The years when we were disconnected emotionally, not very physical, raising young kids, he doesn't seem to be able to let go of that. It is hard because he says he loves me and that we will always be connected (obv. because of the kids) but he has finally made up his mind that the working on us stuff is done. It is also frustrating because I was the one who really told him I needed an answer, was he staying or going. This separation talk had been going on for almost 2 years. In May, he asked for 3 more months, I agreed. Then said last week, I need an answer and it was I think we should separate because he still has feelings about the past, he thinks we are incompatible and this life is overwhelming. He needs to be on his own, start a new life where he can know himself better. Sorry for the rambling, so much stirring through my head!


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

stillhoping01 said:


> My husband and I have been working on things for 3 or so years. .


It is kind of thought to get a working narrative out of your story but I will give it a shot.

It sounds like you are the stronger personality in the relationship and he is uncomfortable with that. But then at the same time he is incapable of competing with you on the same level of social dominance and instead he wants you to change. By being less dominate/strong willed/focused -whatever you want to call it-you would accommodate his position in the day to day to social interaction of the family. 

Of course you are just being who you are and not trying to "be the boss" just taking care of business as you see it needs to be done. It would be wrong to ask you to change that.

The irony is, is a family led by him, might not work at all. He might not have it in him. 

In his mind he always settled on a relationship that has not allowed him to flourish and grow. It might be total BS but thats what he seems to have in his head.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

stillhoping01 said:


> There are things I have changed and things he has changed. We have talked about these things and worked hard to recognize and understand what the other needed in order to feel seen and loved. The physical piece was the really big one for him and that we worked on and made a lot of progress. We were still physical until last week when he said he does want to separate. There were other things we worked on and changed as well. But he holds resentment from the past, I think. The years when we were disconnected emotionally, not very physical, raising young kids, he doesn't seem to be able to let go of that. It is hard because he says he loves me and that we will always be connected (obv. because of the kids) but he has finally made up his mind that the working on us stuff is done. It is also frustrating because I was the one who really told him I needed an answer, was he staying or going. This separation talk had been going on for almost 2 years. In May, he asked for 3 more months, I agreed. Then said last week, I need an answer and it was I think we should separate because he still has feelings about the past, he thinks we are incompatible and this life is overwhelming. He needs to be on his own, start a new life where he can know himself better. Sorry for the rambling, so much stirring through my head!


No worries on the rambling, I do it myself! Been there done that. 
I feel for you. I know over the last few years of my marriage, we did try to discuss things. I think that our problem was again, the expectations we each had of how it was supposed to be. Instead of being open, we both became defensive and the the end result of almost every attempt at discussion became an argument, which typically ended with her saying "I am doing the best I can, if you don't like it I am leaving!" (perhaps like your husband) and me feeling even more hurt (perhaps like you). I hate to say it, but you may have reached the end of the line. The only other thing I might suggest is talking not about the specific marital issues but the larger issue of being open to change and expectations.
Another lesson I am learning is that I really didn't know how to be truly open and in retrospect, neither did she. We each thought we were trying but our efforts were limited by our ignorance. Good luck, however it turns out, Resolving this problem one way or the other will lead to better days for all.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Try working on detachment and living your life as a single parent. You have left your life trapped on a person who cannot decide if he wants to be part of the family or not.

If you want to move on, end the current relationship. If you want some companionship again, the least complicated way of achieving that is divorcing.

It does not mean you cannot get back together, it is just a way for you to be free as well to explore and be free of the pain of abandonment.

Learn about open communication and be realistic of each others need when you decide to move on. Learn tools like relationship check-ups. This is where you take time out weekly and discuss the state of your relationship in an honest open manner. Learn to negotiate and compromise to each others need.

Also, lose the expectation that relationships should last a lifetime. People transition and change. We are not static nor should we be. What matters most to children is stability and healthy environment. That does not always include another parent. Children have aunts, uncles, teachers, family friends, older siblings that can take up the slack.

Here is the thing, if he wants to explore a new life and use you as a security, it is better to cut that net from underneath him. He has kept you hooked, so you personally do not move on. You have been stuck and kept that way so he has the freedom to choose. If he loved you enough, he would let you go so you can grieve and odds are, you would be over him by now and possibly be in a fulfilling relationship. He is taking away your potential of a fulfilling life while he seeks to make his own life fulfilling, and if he does, what you have sacrifice of your own time and life would amount to years wasted.

To be honest, I could not fault you for dating other people, he stopped being a partner to you. I have little sympathy for someone who emotionally abandons their partner, keeping them trapped on the side. I find that as control over another. You are not free to move on, because you surrender the control over to another.

Taking a distant perspective on this, one person is free to explore while the other person holds the family stable.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> It is kind of thought to get a working narrative out of your story but I will give it a shot.
> 
> It sounds like you are the stronger personality in the relationship and he is uncomfortable with that. But then at the same time he is incapable of competing with you on the same level of social dominance and instead he wants you to change. By being less dominate/strong willed/focused -whatever you want to call it-you would accommodate his position in the day to day to social interaction of the family.
> 
> ...


I think our personalities are different and for some, it might work, but for him it doesn't. He thinks he would like more of a say with things but he is an idea guy and needs to think about all of the aspects of things before making decisions. With 3 kids, sometimes we don't have luxury of time and just need to make a decision. I think he envisions having more ownership if he has to be the one making decisions. He will have to step up. It might not work for him but I'm sure he will figure it out. We will always have to work together on making decisions with the kids and he is aware of that. 
And you are right, he does feel this relationship does not make it easy for him to flourish and grow. I love him and want him to be happy, so letting go is the only thing left to do I suppose.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Ynot said:


> No worries on the rambling, I do it myself! Been there done that.
> I feel for you. I know over the last few years of my marriage, we did try to discuss things. I think that our problem was again, the expectations we each had of how it was supposed to be. Instead of being open, we both became defensive and the the end result of almost every attempt at discussion became an argument, which typically ended with her saying "I am doing the best I can, if you don't like it I am leaving!" (perhaps like your husband) and me feeling even more hurt (perhaps like you). I hate to say it, but you may have reached the end of the line. The only other thing I might suggest is talking not about the specific marital issues but the larger issue of being open to change and expectations.
> Another lesson I am learning is that I really didn't know how to be truly open and in retrospect, neither did she. We each thought we were trying but our efforts were limited by our ignorance. Good luck, however it turns out, Resolving this problem one way or the other will lead to better days for all.


Expectations are a tough hurdle to overcome! We have done a lot of work on this actually. For my personality type, I can have a conversation, it can become emotional but after we have talked, once I've processed things, I don't carry lots of negative feelings. It is easy for me to move on and trust that we are just human and doing our best to be kind and love one another. For him, I think he carries a lot of feelings and doesn't get past it as easily.
I am certain neither of us is as open as we could be. I actually held onto the mantra "be open and kind" over the past 2 years as we have been working on things. It helped to come back to that in times of distress, uncomfort, etc.. But being open and kind can't change the way a person views things. That is a lesson I am learning right now. Thanks for the input.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

stillhoping01 said:


> Expectations are a tough hurdle to overcome! We have done a lot of work on this actually. For my personality type, I can have a conversation, it can become emotional but after we have talked, once I've processed things, I don't carry lots of negative feelings. It is easy for me to move on and trust that we are just human and doing our best to be kind and love one another. For him, I think he carries a lot of feelings and doesn't get past it as easily.
> I am certain neither of us is as open as we could be. I actually held onto the mantra "be open and kind" over the past 2 years as we have been working on things. It helped to come back to that in times of distress, uncomfort, etc.. But being open and kind can't change the way a person views things. That is a lesson I am learning right now. Thanks for the input.


I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope it all works out for you and for him.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Try working on detachment and living your life as a single parent. You have left your life trapped on a person who cannot decide if he wants to be part of the family or not.
> 
> 
> Learn about open communication and be realistic of each others need when you decide to move on. Learn tools like relationship check-ups. This is where you take time out weekly and discuss the state of your relationship in an honest open manner. Learn to negotiate and compromise to each others need.
> ...


It is so hard to encompass everything in the brief posts. I know his intentions are genuine. He is a very caring and loving person. I know he wants the best for me and the best for himself. He has kept me hooked for awhile and I do think it wasn't with bad intent. It think he hoped he would start seeing things differently. He is also not good at making decisions, so I think it took him a very long time to process all of this feelings. It is frustrating that it took so long and that the outcome is the same. If we had worked so hard and he saw the progress the way I had been, it would have felt worth the years of hard work. But from my perspective it feels like I was just pulled along, holding on to hope that I should have accepted long ago wasn't worth holding on to. 

I think he would agree wholeheartedly with relationships not lasting a lifetime. He has mentioned it before. I can appreciate that idea but for me, I am the type of person that does want to be with someone who sees things lasting a lifetime. I know relationships are hard and that people change but I think people can grow and change and relationships can do the same? Maybe I'm just stuck here because I don't want my relationship to end?
Thanks


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

stillhoping01 said:


> It is so hard to encompass everything in the brief posts. I know his intentions are genuine. He is a very caring and loving person. I know he wants the best for me and the best for himself. He has kept me hooked for awhile and I do think it wasn't with bad intent. It think he hoped he would start seeing things differently. He is also not good at making decisions, so I think it took him a very long time to process all of this feelings. It is frustrating that it took so long and that the outcome is the same. If we had worked so hard and he saw the progress the way I had been, it would have felt worth the years of hard work. But from my perspective it feels like I was just pulled along, holding on to hope that I should have accepted long ago wasn't worth holding on to.
> 
> I think he would agree wholeheartedly with relationships not lasting a lifetime. He has mentioned it before. I can appreciate that idea but for me, I am the type of person that does want to be with someone who sees things lasting a lifetime. I know relationships are hard and that people change but I think people can grow and change and relationships can do the same? Maybe I'm just stuck here because I don't want my relationship to end?
> Thanks


 He may be a good person, but his leadership and choices has caused the family to remain stuck. Nothing has changed because he is indecisive.

You want a lifetime partnership, you want him, but it seems like he lacks the qualities to accomplish that. So, you either wait for him and potentially lose opportunities, or you choose yourself.

When you choose yourself, you then will have the opportunity to look for someone who better matches what you want and need in a relationship. This still could mean him.

He has been left in safety to be wishy washy about his life. He has to know that he lacks those leadership skills. Instead, he wants you to be weaker to protect his vanity.

If he were to be in a relationship with 100 women, most if not all would fail because of how he operates.

Those stronger females such as yourself would drive him away, and those weaker than him will have a family like yours at the moment with him wanting to take charge, but then being indecisive a lot.

My mother wanted an intact family, but she did not want an abusive alcoholic husband. She help enable his continuing behavior by staying at his side, detrimental to us all over time. Due to some circumstances, when she was ready to leave, he then started altering his behavior to keep his family. Unfortunately, he was only a decent husband and father for a few years and died of liver complications.

Her inaction and choosing her well-being and the well-being over the rest of us. There was a lot more emotional scarring because of it.

Although your situation is different,your need for him, your want of an intact family may be masking your probable anger and resentment. You had expectations of things working out. You sacrificed your life, your potential and have nothing for it yet.

Here is the thing also, you moving on, dating other people, may in fact kick his ass into real motivation for change. He is not that type of person to lead, and if you move on and he does not follow, chances are the relationship is already over and you finally have confirmation and you can take the steps to move on. If he does chase after you, if you have done this earlier, then you would not have wasted this huge amount of time. Until he is pushed into making a decision, you will not know which way. And the longer you wait, the weaker your relationship becomes. It is only lasting because he is keeping you hooked, giving you mixed messages, and you keep holding onto hope instead of taking action for yourself. He either works on his flaws, you work on yours, and he is realistic about the type of person he is and be okay with you taking the lead where you are stronger in.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> When you choose yourself, you then will have the opportunity to look for someone who better matches what you want and need in a relationship. This still could mean him.
> 
> 
> Those stronger females such as yourself would drive him away, and those weaker than him will have a family like yours at the moment with him wanting to take charge, but then being indecisive a lot.


I do think moving on is the only choice right now but it is hard. He believes we just are not suited to be a compatible couple. I don't really think there is hope for him to decide, after months of separation, that he does want to be together. It took him SO long to decide to separate. We could be 80 before he decides we did have a good thing. I think that will be hard for me, not holding onto hope.

And maybe if he found a strong female that was also more an idea person like him, it would be a better match. 

It is going to be a rough road, some hours I feel strong, others I feel like a weepy mess. 
thanks


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

I would start the 180 process now. He may be hoping to still have you as a good friend and support person, but that will not be in your best interest. He needs to see what it will be like to not have you as a partner. 

You will be co-parenting, but does he really understand what that will look like? You will not be there to make the decisions, he will have to do that when he is with the kids. If he has the kids 50% of the time on his own, he may realize that it may be harder to be divorced and do everything on his own 50% of the time, versus being married and having you to take care of things the majority of the time.

Start making the arrangement for him to move out. 

See an attorney and make sure you have all the information you need to make good financial and custody decisions. Do you work? Will you stay in your current house? How much time will he spend with the kids? Do you work? If not, will you be going back to work?

Is money an issue? It doesn't sound like it from your post, but yo will both most likely take a financial hit. Has he thought that through?

You need to start focusing on yourself now that he has made this decision. He doesn't get to have it both ways.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Workathome said:


> I would start the 180 process now. He may be hoping to still have you as a good friend and support person, but that will not be in your best interest. He needs to see what it will be like to not have you as a partner.



The plan is for us to tell the kids in September, him move out beginning of October. I see my therapist later this week. She is a good sounding board for the details of custody, etc...
I am confused and anxious about co-parenting and not having him as a partner. He has been my best friend for 20+ years. He and I still get along very well. We are both kind and loving people and I want to think we can still have a relationship as friends while we co-parent. I guess your point is that it isn't healthy in the moving on process to send texts, emails, have conversations unless they involve the children directly? Lord, this is going to be so freaking hard. So, for example, today I went to our son's school to volunteer for something and was going to send a text about something funny I saw while I was there. Do I send the text? It relates to our son's school but not really to him. I am going to be so lonely without him.
To answer your questions, I work part-time. He has stated that he doesn't want my lifestyle and the kids lifestyle to change because of this decision. Financially, we are ok to make this change. I could go back to working fulltime and may down the road but that is not in the works right now.
At this point, we are doing the separation between us, no lawyers, etc... yet. I told him I personally don't want to "share" the kids. I signed up to be a mom, I want to be around the kids, not part-time but all the time. But I understand he needs time with them and he needs to have them on his own. This is the part that pisses me off. Anyway, plan is the two evenings I work, he will be home here at the house with the kids. Then will have them weekends, but we haven't decided if that is every other, or every Sat-Sun, or what. I will stay in the house with the kids, he will get the apartment- close to where we live.


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