# Guys: thoughts on dating sex being exclusive?



## firebelly1

So the dilemma I've faced throughout my dating life is when it's appropriate to have sex with someone you're dating. What I'm much clearer on now than I have been is that once I start having sex with someone with relationship potential, I want us to be exclusive sexually. I don't necessarily need "commitment" but I do want sexual exclusivity. For those guys reading this who know they want a monogamous relationship at some point: if a woman were explicit about that from the get go, would it be a turn off? What would you think?


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## PBear

Hmmm. I find myself confused. What do you mean by not needing committment but sexual exclusivity? Your partner can date other people, but can't have sex with them?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movealong

Yea, that is a bit confusing.

If the sex is exclusive, so is the relationship in my opinion. Does it mean we're going to get married? No, but I don't share well with others when it comes to sex.


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## firebelly1

PBear said:


> Hmmm. I find myself confused. What do you mean by not needing committment but sexual exclusivity? Your partner can date other people, but can't have sex with them?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By no commitment I mean you haven't decided that you are going to stay together and this is "the one". You haven't necessarily defined your relationship as boyfriend / girlfriend. So the scenario I'm thinking of is one where you have decided not to date / have sex with other people because you think there's potential for a long-term relationship, but still feeling it out. Maybe unrealistic. Not sure.


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## dormant

I fail to see how you can have sexual exclusivity without committment...


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## firebelly1

movealong said:


> Yea, that is a bit confusing.
> 
> If the sex is exclusive, so is the relationship in my opinion. Does it mean we're going to get married? No, but I don't share well with others when it comes to sex.


I don't share well with others either, which is why I'm contemplating the question. Well, in part that's why I'm asking. From reading a bunch of threads I get the impression that with many if not most guys, having sex with a woman they are dating doesn't mean they intend to be sexually exclusive with her. Seems like if the woman intends that, she has to say it out loud otherwise when she has sex with him, he won't have the same understanding.


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## PBear

Hmmm again. My thinking is that sexual exclusivity goes with dating exclusivity. Which would imply "dating", as in "boyfriend/girlfriend". A FWB doesn't have the "right" to ask their friend not to have sex with anyone else. 

Having said that, there's nothing wrong with dating without a long range committment. IMHO. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

dormant said:


> I fail to see how you can have sexual exclusivity without committment...


Maybe semantics but they are different concepts in my mind. Exclusivity means you are focused on this one person for the time being. Commitment means you intend to stay with this person indefinitely and make future plans together.

And with that difference in mind, you could be exclusive FWB if you wanted. But I'm talking about a dating situation where you know you want a relationship.


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## Married but Happy

My _assumption _is that once I start having sex with someone, we are sexually exclusive, but since I don't like to _make _assumptions blindly, I will discuss it. 

We don't have to make a decision to be in a relationship at that point, and perhaps we'll even date others (non-sexually). Perhaps we'll develop a FWB situation, where we have sex but not a romantic relationship, and are free to pursue a romantic relationship elsewhere. Normally, sex stops if/when either of us wants to be sexual or romantically exclusive with someone else (and they expect this). However, I've also been in scenarios where I've been in two sexual and non-exclusive (poly or open) relationships where there is _full disclosure _, discussion, and agreement on how to proceed responsibly.


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## U.E. McGill

As a woman you certainly have the right to have conditions to who you give sexual intimacy to. Just as a man has a right to control his commitment. 

To me, commitment would come after sex, if I were dating again. But that's me. There's plenty of guys out there who want a girlfriend like you. To me this is just a "technical" question not a "philosophical" one.


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## firebelly1

Married but Happy said:


> My _assumption _is that once I start having sex with someone, we are sexually exclusive, but since I don't like to _make _assumptions blindly, I will discuss it.
> 
> We don't have to make a decision to be in a relationship at that point, and perhaps we'll even date others (non-sexually). Perhaps we'll develop a FWB situation, where we have sex but not a romantic relationship, and are free to pursue a romantic relationship elsewhere. Normally, sex stops if/when either of us wants to be sexual or romantically exclusive with someone else (and they expect this). However, I've also been in scenarios where I've been in two sexual and non-exclusive (poly or open) relationships where there is _full disclosure _, discussion, and agreement on how to proceed responsibly.


Yep - and while I've considered all possible scenarios, I am realizing I don't share well. So, I want to communicate that clearly and I feel like I NEED to communicate that clearly because my perception is that men don't assume that once you have sex that you are exclusive. Maybe it depends on the context. If I meet a guy on Match, for instance, I might reasonably assume that he assumes sex will be exclusive. But if I meet random guy at bar and we haven't had an explicit discussion by the time we both seem ready, seems like I should bring it up.


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## norajane

As a woman, I don't think there is anything wrong with or confusing about having that conversation. 

When you first start dating and are thinking about having sex, you don't know whether you're in it for the long haul, but you sure don't want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with other people at the same time. That's icky. It also would mean he's not invested in your _relationship _if he still wants to be having sex with other women.

firebelly, you should absolutely have that conversation and make sure he understands and agrees with you before you have sex. If that's a turn off for him and he runs, then he's not the right guy for you anyway.


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## firebelly1

U.E. McGill said:


> As a woman you certainly have the right to have conditions to who you give sexual intimacy to. Just as a man has a right to control his commitment.
> 
> To me, commitment would come after sex, if I were dating again. But that's me. There's plenty of guys out there who want a girlfriend like you. To me this is just a "technical" question not a "philosophical" one.


It is a technical question, agreed. I guess I'm wondering if it's something I need to say on my online dating profile, for instance? Or, if I meet a guy in a public setting and we go on a few dates and haven't had an explicit discussion, do I need to?


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## norajane

firebelly1 said:


> It is a technical question, agreed. I guess I'm wondering if it's something I need to say on my online dating profile, for instance? Or, if I meet a guy in a public setting and we go on a few dates and haven't had an explicit discussion, do I need to?


You tell them that you are looking for a monogamous, exclusive relationship. That doesn't mean you've settled on HIM, but that your goal is not casual sex.


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## U.E. McGill

firebelly1 said:


> Yep - and while I've considered all possible scenarios, I am realizing I don't share well. So, I want to communicate that clearly and I feel like I NEED to communicate that clearly because my perception is that men don't assume that once you have sex that you are exclusive. Maybe it depends on the context. If I meet a guy on Match, for instance, I might reasonably assume that he assumes sex will be exclusive. But if I meet random guy at bar and we haven't had an explicit discussion by the time we both seem ready, seems like I should bring it up.



Remember men communicate overtly. They deliver information. Never assume anything unless it's been explicitly discussed. These kinds of assumptions result in the "well we never defined it"


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## firebelly1

U.E. McGill said:


> Remember men communicate overtly. They deliver information. Never assume anything unless it's been explicitly discussed. These kinds of assumptions result in the "well we never defined it"


Really? Men NEVER assume anything?


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## U.E. McGill

firebelly1 said:


> Really? Men NEVER assume anything?



They'd be more likely to assume that since it wasn't discussed exclusivity is not guaranteed.


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## firebelly1

U.E. McGill said:


> They'd be more likely to assume that since it wasn't discussed exclusivity is not guaranteed.


Yes - that's what I thought. It's not that guys don't assume - it's that they assume the opposite of what women assume, which is why we have to be explicit. That makes me scratch my head a little though. Are you saying when you have sex with a woman you are dating you are ok with her sleeping with other guys until you have a discussion about it?

And that kind of circles me back to my original question. If guys don't equate sex with exclusivity, then will they be put off by me asking for it? Like, if I say in my online profile, "Once I have sex with someone I expect it to be exclusive," is that a faux pas like telling someone on the first date that you are looking forward to getting married and having lots of babies? Are you unnecessarily scaring someone off?


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## Thor

firebelly1 said:


> I don't share well with others either, which is why I'm contemplating the question. Well, in part that's why I'm asking. From reading a bunch of threads I get the impression that with many if not most guys, having sex with a woman they are dating doesn't mean they intend to be sexually exclusive with her. Seems like if the woman intends that, she has to say it out loud otherwise when she has sex with him, he won't have the same understanding.


Well as a guy contemplating divorce I have been worried about the same thing. I would want sexual exclusivity, though not necessarily total exclusivity. But it does seem difficult to picture someone dating another person for a while and not being sexual. Exclusive FWB?

I can see having a clear agreement on non-exclusivity, but to me that would have to be a casual FWB arrangement. 

STDs kind of scare me and I would much prefer a more emotionally intimate relationship, so for me I would be looking to date non-sexually, perhaps dating several different women casually at the same time. But then once finding someone I click with and becoming sexual I would want an exclusive relationship.


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## Jellybeans

movealong said:


> If the sex is exclusive, so is the relationship in my opinion. Does it mean we're going to get married? No, *but I don't share well with others when it comes to sex*.


:rofl:



firebelly1 said:


> What I'm much clearer on now than I have been is that once I start having sex with someone with relationship potential, I want us to be exclusive sexually.


Then you tell them that.

But there is a disconnect here:



firebelly1 said:


> I don't necessarily need "commitment" but I do want sexual exclusivity.


You may want this, but they may not. Nonetheless, you just need to state what you want. Either they are on the same page or not.

I probably wouldn't recommend putting that on your dating profile. That seems to be the kind of thing that is better discussed in person, like when you actualy meet someone in real time, not over a screen.


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## firebelly1

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> Then you tell them that.
> 
> But there is a disconnect here:
> 
> 
> 
> You may want this, but they may not. Nonetheless, you just need to state what you want. Either they are on the same page or not.
> 
> I probably wouldn't recommend putting that on your dating profile. That seems to be the kind of thing that is better discussed in person, like when you actualy meet someone in real time, not over a screen.


Is it something you say on the first date, or somewhere between first date and first time you have sex?


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## U.E. McGill

firebelly1 said:


> Yes - that's what I thought. It's not that guys don't assume - it's that they assume the opposite of what women assume, which is why we have to be explicit.
> 
> But, that kind of circles me back to my original question. If guys don't equate sex with exclusivity, then will they be put off by me asking for it? Like, if I say in my online profile, "Once I have sex with someone I expect it to be exclusive," is that a faux pas like telling someone on the first date that you are looking forward to getting married and having lots of babies? Are you unnecessarily scaring someone off?



More like "undefined" where no definition has been made. 

Not a faux paus at all. Remember men are direct. When you tell him "heh, I'd love to go that direction with you. But I need to be exclusive."

His answer maybe "ok I can give you that". "Ok I can give you that, but not now" or "I can't." 

He may say I can't and still push for sex. Now you pull up your big girl pants and walk.


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## Jellybeans

norajane said:


> When you first start dating and are thinking about having sex, you don't know whether you're in it for the long haul, but you sure don't want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with other people at the same time.
> 
> firebelly, you should absolutely have that conversation and make sure he understands and agrees with you *before* you have sex. If that's a turn off for him and he runs, then he's not the right guy for you anyway.


Good points. "Before" is a good guideline.


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## movealong

firebelly1 said:


> Is it something you say on the first date, or somewhere between first date and first time you have sex?


You tell them that on the first date and they're thinking "If I answer right, I get laid!" 

If the date is going well and you hit it off enough to bring up sex, then tell them "Hey, I don't need a long term commitment tonight, but if we're going to go 10 toes up and 10 toes down, I want you to know that I expect exclusivity. Meaning I am not going to do anyone else while we're doing it, and I expect the same in return."


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## firebelly1

U.E. McGill said:


> More like "undefined" where no definition has been made.
> 
> Not a faux paus at all. Remember men are direct. When you tell him "heh, I'd love to go that direction with you. But I need to be exclusive."
> 
> His answer maybe "ok I can give you that". "Ok I can give you that, but not now" or "I can't."
> 
> He may say I can't and still push for sex. Now you pull up your big girl pants and walk.


I think I'm a little concerned that like some of the guys who read my original post, what the guy will hear when I say "exclusive" is "commitment / marriage / babies / mortgage" which wouldn't be the case. Guess I just need to be explicit about that too.


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## Thor

firebelly1 said:


> And that kind of circles me back to my original question. If guys don't equate sex with exclusivity, then will they be put off by me asking for it? Like, if I say in my online profile, "Once I have sex with someone I expect it to be exclusive," is that a faux pas like telling someone on the first date that you are looking forward to getting married and having lots of babies? Are you unnecessarily scaring someone off?


I'm not in the dating scene so I don't know how these online profiles typically look.

However, it seems a bit premature perhaps to be putting out there that once you become sexual you want exclusivity. A more generic statement about _seeking a monogamous_ relationship might be better. This would be in contrast to _seeking FWB_ or _wanting to date a variety of people after my divorce_.

Nobody expects exclusivity in the first month or so of casual dates. Any man going out with you on a first date doesn't expect exclusivity if he calls you for a second date. You wouldn't want to scare someone off from making that second date by causing him to think you expect exclusivity that quickly.


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## firebelly1

Honestly, I have been a girl who has had sex on the first date before and have argued on this forum that that's an okay thing to do. I still stand by that as a moral argument, but the exclusivity thing is the thing of late that is giving me pause. If I'm not ready to be exclusive with this guy, it seems fair that I don't have sex with him if that is what I want in return. This is about the only reason I can think is a good one to put off sex.


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## bravenewworld

firebelly1 said:


> Is it something you say on the first date, or somewhere between first date and first time you have sex?


Perhaps there are men who would go for this, but as a woman I wouldn't partake nor would I ask it of another person. 

It seems like an unrealistic and unfair situation. If there is no relationship component I'd rather be free to do what and who I want. 

I feel like if the genders were reversed and the man was asking a woman to be sexually monogamous yet not be his girlfriend we'd be lighting torches.


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## firebelly1

Oh...but here's another one...guys lie to get into your pants. SO...it's hard to really trust someone you have just met when they say, "Sure, I'll be exclusive." Right?


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## EnjoliWoman

I agree it's a discussion to be had early on - I'd wait until you are sure that you are at least interested in seeing him again. 

You could simply say that you and a friend were having a discussion about dating and sex and that you disagreed as to whether sex means dating just each other or one should never assume sex means exclusivity, then ask him what his opinion is. See what he says and if he says yes, sex means the relationship is now exclusive you can agree with him. If he says no, sex doesn't mean you stop seeing other people until it's explicitly discussed and agreed to, then you can say that for you sex means you don't see other people. 

If things are awkward or tense after that you can joke "Oh shoot - now I have to tell her I asked you and that she was right" or some such thing. Then if he doesn't call after your date you'll know he has no intention of being exclusive with you.


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## firebelly1

bravenewworld said:


> Perhaps there are men who would go for this, but as a woman I wouldn't partake nor would I ask it of another person.
> 
> It seems like an unrealistic and unfair situation. If there is no relationship component I'd rather be free to do what and who I want.
> 
> I feel like if the genders were reversed and the man was asking a woman to be sexually monogamous yet not be his girlfriend we'd be lighting torches.


I'm just thinking that if, like most folks, you have sex by the third date, how can you really know if this is someone you want to stay with for the long haul? I think by being sexually exclusive you are saying you see it as a possibility, but I just don't think you can know at that point.


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## Wolf1974

If dating for a commitment I don't have sex until I know they are worth more than just that. Which I why I don't have sex date one or two. When I see them as someone I have a lot in common with and think she might be the one then sex is a go. And yes that has to be exclusive......and apparently defined as I have found out


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## SamuraiJack

Wouldnt be a big deal for me. By the time we are ready to have sex, I usually have a good idea that we can make a long term thing.

But talking about it openly and plainly before we do?
You just got many many respect points in my book.


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## arbitrator

Wolf1974 said:


> If dating for a commitment I don't have sex until I know they are worth more than just that. Which I why I don't have sex date one or two. When I see them as someone I have a lot in common with and think she might be the one then sex is a go. And yes that has to be exclusive......and apparently defined as I have found out


*Totally! I might not exactly be the norm for most men, but if I were to sleep with some woman who I felt rather attached to, I'm sure as not going to jeopardize that by going off and sleeping with other parties!

And I sure as hell would hope that they would at least feel the same way about me!*


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## Jellybeans

firebelly1 said:


> I'm just thinking that if, like most folks, you have sex by the third date


Do "most people" do this?



firebelly1 said:


> how can you really know if this is someone you want to stay with for the long haul?


Trial and error, my dear. That is the entire point of dating. To find out if you want more with someone.



Wolf1974 said:


> If dating for a commitment I don't have sex until I know they are worth more than just that. Which I why I don't have sex date one or two.


Same here. It's not even that I have a "set #" of times out -- I just want to talk, get to know someone and see where things develop. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> I agree it's a discussion to be had early on - I'd wait until you are sure that you are at least interested in seeing him again.


:iagree:


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## Married but Happy

Unless it's clearly a casual sex or FWB scenario, once I start having sex with a woman I'm thinking of her and evaluating her as a possible long term relationship. I have no problem - and prefer - to establish sexual exclusivity at or before that point. Of course, after a few weeks or months, 9 out of 10 turn out to not be long term prospects, but we've given it a sincere and focused try.


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## firebelly1

Wolf1974 said:


> If dating for a commitment I don't have sex until I know they are worth more than just that. Which I why I don't have sex date one or two. When I see them as someone I have a lot in common with and think she might be the one then sex is a go. And yes that has to be exclusive......and apparently defined as I have found out


Defined in this thread or elsewhere?


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## firebelly1

Jellybeans said:


> Do "most people" do this?


Sex by three dates - totally my perception.


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## unsure78

FB I kind feel the same way that, I don't like to share... 

What it meant for me is that I held out a bit longer like 5 to 8 dates in to get a better sense of how I felt about them and how they felt about me ( if they were just looking to get laid they would usually disappear by then)... usually when it would start to get close to sex (like the date before it happened) which if you are going to be sexing it up with someone a lot of time you talk about BC anyway... I would talk with them literally saying I don't share well due to my history... but usually by waiting the 5-8, by that time it was sorted out anyway whether they wanted to be exclusive with me anyway...


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## Wolf1974

arbitrator said:


> *Totally! I might not exactly be the norm for most men, but if I were to sleep with some woman who I felt rather attached to, I'm sure as not going to jeopardize that by going off and sleeping with other parties!
> 
> And I sure as hell would hope that they would at least feel the same way about me!*


Well you would think but best to clarify and to know what they consider sex

Real life convo with chick two years ago. We went out 4 times, intimate on 4th and agreed to be exclusive on the 5th date. No other definition I just said it was important if we were having sex to be exclusive and she said she agreed. Two dates later while at a restaurant. 

Her: I just wanted to let you know that I broke it off with the other guy i was seeing in hopes that we, her and me, would move forward to a relationship

Me: wait what I Thought we were already exclusive you have been seeming someone else?

Her: huh I thought you meant sexually exclusive I wasn't having sex with him or anything.

Me:  no I meant exclusive as in just you and me. I think that was very clear. How long have you been dating this other guy?

Her: about 3 months

Me: what?? You have been dating for 3 months and never had sex.

Her : no never we just dated and fooled around

Long pause

Me: what does fool around mean??

Her : well this isn't the place to discuss this or the time.

Me : no this is the time and place cause right now I'm debating on walking out of here

Her: well you know we did things just not .......sex

Me: like oral and handjobs....(must have said these loud cause she got really embarrassed)

Her : under her breath "yes please keep your voice down"

Me ...............

I may have said how is that not sex?? I honestly don't remember but I know I sat for a good 5 minutes without saying much before I got up and left her there.

Point being always clarify. Because people come up with some BS


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## Wolf1974

firebelly1 said:


> Defined in this thread or elsewhere?


Defined in real life. Please see above


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## firebelly1

Wolf1974 said:


> Well you would think but best to clarify and to know what they consider sex
> 
> Real life convo with chick two years ago. We went out 4 times, intimate on 4th and agreed to be exclusive on the 5th date. No other definition I just said it was important if we were having sex to be exclusive and she said she agreed. Two dates later while at a restaurant.
> 
> Her: I just wanted to let you know that I broke it off with the other guy i was seeing in hopes that we, her and me, would move forward to a relationship
> 
> Me: wait what I Thought we were already exclusive you have been seeming someone else?
> 
> Her: huh I thought you meant sexually exclusive I wasn't having sex with him or anything.
> 
> Me: no I meant exclusive as in just you and me. I think that was very clear. How long have you been dating this other guy?
> 
> Her: about 3 months
> 
> Me: what?? You have been dating for 3 months and never had sex.
> 
> Her : no never we just dated and fooled around
> 
> Long pause
> 
> Me: what does fool around mean??
> 
> Her : well this isn't the place to discuss this or the time.
> 
> Me : no this is the time and place cause right now I'm debating on walking out of here
> 
> Her: well you know we did things just not .......sex
> 
> Me: like oral and handjobs....(must have said these loud cause she got really embarrassed)
> 
> Her : under her breath "yes please keep your voice down"
> 
> Me ...............
> 
> I may have said how is that not sex?? I honestly don't remember but I know I sat for a good 5 minutes without saying much before I got up and left her there.
> 
> Point being always clarify. Because people come up with some BS


Oh my god. So her idea of exclusive was of the Bill Clinton variety. 

Dan Savage says if your genitalia is in someone else's orifice, it's sex. But, geez, one wouldn't think you would have to get that specific with definitions.


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## ne9907

very interesting thread. A lot of great information!


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## Thor

firebelly1 said:


> Oh...but here's another one...guys lie to get into your pants. SO...it's hard to really trust someone you have just met when they say, "Sure, I'll be exclusive." Right?


The cynic in me says don't tell them your weakness. Sun Tsu applied to relationships. Up front I wouldn't announce it because then they know to hide whatever it is you won't like. A little further along in the relationship you have some ability to read them and gauge their responses, and then you can have the exclusive discussion.


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## Fenix

I did it. 

I was not interested in having sex with a player. I also wasn't interested in a LT relationship. I wanted a FWB that was monogamous and fun. He was on the same page, more or less.

It turned into a lot more.


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## 3Xnocharm

DO NOT put ANYTHING about sex in your dating profile! Unless its something about not looking for a casual hookup, or something along those lines. I am actually IN the situation you have been describing, being exclusive dating/sexually, but still not having a long term commitment or label in place yet. Seems kinda weird, but so far its okay. Neither one of us wants the other out sleeping around while we work on seeing where this goes.


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## firebelly1

Fenix said:


> I did it.
> 
> I was not interested in having sex with a player. I also wasn't interested in a LT relationship. I wanted a FWB that was monogamous and fun. He was on the same page, more or less.
> 
> It turned into a lot more.


So by "a lot more" do you mean it turned into a LT relationship? So you both changed your mind?

Monogamous FWB. I hadn't ever actually considered that. Hmmmmm....


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## ne9907

firebelly1 said:


> Monogamous FWB. I hadn't ever actually considered that.


I have been on a type of monogamous sex friends arrangement for about six months. 
It had been working for me until I realized I really like this guy. But I am definitely not ready for a long term committment, but neither am I ready to end it.


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## firebelly1

ne9907 said:


> I have been on a type of monogamous sex friends arrangement for about six months.
> It had been working for me until I realized I really like this guy. But I am definitely not ready for a long term committment, but neither am I ready to end it.


Been there, done that sister. I'm pretty much convinced now that FWB ain't my thing.


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## Fenix

firebelly1 said:


> So by "a lot more" do you mean it turned into a LT relationship? So you both changed your mind?
> 
> Monogamous FWB. I hadn't ever actually considered that. Hmmmmm....


Yes. I charted my course carefully.  When I started dating, I wanted people in the same situation as me...separated, no young kids. That kind of put boundaries on where the relationship could go (at least in the short term). We took it slow (mostly because I was unsure in the beginning and then, once I was sure, he got kidney stones). So, when the time to do the deed was in sight (ie stones were scheduled for removal), I opened up the convo on FWB, but monogamous. Doing it with each other only until it was no longer fun iow. That was just after I asked him not to shave his beard b/c I was curious about how it felt. So, I already had him laughing.

We haven't stopped laughing since. It has gotten serious (but no forever talk really) and we have been together for about 9 months. Who knows where it will go. I am just taking it a month at a time now. No matter what happens, I have had a great time with him and he is a wonderful person, a very soft landing after a 30 year relationship with the ex. So, no regrets.



ne9907 said:


> I have been on a type of monogamous sex friends arrangement for about six months.
> It had been working for me until I realized I really like this guy. But I am definitely not ready for a long term committment, but neither am I ready to end it.


And I think that is totally ok. Things will become clear eventually. Just enjoy it for now.


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## SamuraiJack

Fenix said:


> Yes. I charted my course carefully.  When I started dating, I wanted people in the same situation as me...separated, no young kids. That kind of put boundaries on where the relationship could go (at least in the short term). We took it slow (mostly because I was unsure in the beginning and then, once I was sure, he got kidney stones). So, when the time to do the deed was in sight (ie stones were scheduled for removal), I opened up the convo on FWB, but monogamous. Doing it with each other only until it was no longer fun iow. That was just after I asked him not to shave his beard b/c I was curious about how it felt. So, I already had him laughing.
> 
> We haven't stopped laughing since. It has gotten serious (but no forever talk really) and we have been together for about 9 months. Who knows where it will go. I am just taking it a month at a time now. No matter what happens, I have had a great time with him and he is a wonderful person, a very soft landing after a 30 year relationship with the ex. So, no regrets.
> 
> 
> 
> And I think that is totally ok. Things will become clear eventually. Just enjoy it for now.


Good for you!


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## TheGoodGuy

ne9907 said:


> I have been on a type of monogamous sex friends arrangement for about six months.
> It had been working for me until I realized I really like this guy. But I am definitely not ready for a long term committment, but neither am I ready to end it.


Between my two marriages I had an arrangement like this. We talked about it, agreed to be exclusive, and got tested for STDs, both clean. Turns out we had different ideas of "exclusive". She had an old friend come back in her life and brought an STD with him, which she passed on to me. Just thinking about it makes me shake my head all over again. 

Just saying be careful. A dishonest person can still cheat in an "exclusive" relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

TheGoodGuy said:


> Between my two marriages I had an arrangement like this. We talked about it, agreed to be exclusive, and got tested for STDs, both clean. Turns out we had different ideas of "exclusive". She had an old friend come back in her life and brought an STD with him, which she passed on to me. Just thinking about it makes me shake my head all over again.
> 
> Just saying be careful. A dishonest person can still cheat in an "exclusive" relationship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




That is sucky. I had an arrangement with a FWB where we would not use condoms with each other but use condoms with others. I found out he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain. Testing turned out clean but... F'er. So, yeah, I think even in a situation where we say we're going to be exclusive, it's still a good idea to use condoms for a while for this reason.


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## TheGoodGuy

Yeah. We were protected the first few times, and got tested when we talked about being exclusive/sexually monogamous. They she broke the agreement. Where do I find these women?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1

Seems like another thread, huh? How do you really tell if the person you're dating is generally honest?


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## U.E. McGill

firebelly1 said:


> Seems like another thread, huh? How do you really tell if the person you're dating is generally honest?



I was listening to savage love cast. He brought up a really interesting point. You tell a partner that "hey if you mess up, let me know and we'll deal with it" not "if you screw up we're done". This way the message is to deal with it like adults, not hide for fear of repercussions. And continue to STI test just in case.


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## firebelly1

U.E. McGill said:


> I was listening to savage love cast. He brought up a really interesting point. You tell a partner that "hey if you mess up, let me know and we'll deal with it" not "if you screw up we're done". This way the message is to deal with it like adults, not hide for fear of repercussions. And continue to STI test just in case.


I've heard Dan give that advice too in the context of cheating. Like, "Hey, if you slip up, I won't leave you, we just need to talk about it." But cheating IS a deal breaker for some people and the cheater knows it. That's why they lie. What Dan is really asking is for people not to leave partners who cheat once and that's a tough ask. 

Did Wolf's girl really think she was sticking to the agreement they made? She presented it that way - no PIV, therefore she was being exclusive. I'm not really convinced there was no PIV involved but if there wasn't, I think she may have been justifying the rest of it in her own mind. It isn't lying exactly...it's just lack of moral boundaries?


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## 3Xnocharm

TheGoodGuy said:


> Yeah. We were protected the first few times, and got tested when we talked about being exclusive/sexually monogamous. They she broke the agreement. Where do I find these women?!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh.


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## Fenix

firebelly1 said:


> Seems like another thread, huh? How do you really tell if the person you're dating is generally honest?



Go with your gut.


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## U.E. McGill

firebelly1 said:


> I've heard Dan give that advice too in the context of cheating. Like, "Hey, if you slip up, I won't leave you, we just need to talk about it." But cheating IS a deal breaker for some people and the cheater knows it. That's why they lie. What Dan is really asking is for people not to leave partners who cheat once and that's a tough ask.
> 
> 
> 
> Did Wolf's girl really think she was sticking to the agreement they made? She presented it that way - no PIV, therefore she was being exclusive. I'm not really convinced there was no PIV involved but if there wasn't, I think she may have been justifying the rest of it in her own mind. It isn't lying exactly...it's just lack of moral boundaries?



I agree, but I'd rather have them come to me and give me the news then go underground. That was my point. You may not be exclusive, but the act is an "infidelity". You can still choose to break up after.


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## firebelly1

U.E. McGill said:


> I agree, but I'd rather have them come to me and give me the news then go underground. That was my point. You may not be exclusive, but the act is an "infidelity". You can still choose to break up after.


I would rather have them come tell me too but if they think I will break up with them if I do, then they are less likely to want to do that. Dan says to tell them that you won't break up with them and to mean it. I'm only going to say "I won't break up with you over it," if I mean it.


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## Thor

An exclusive FWB arrangement could survive "infidelity" a lot easier than a marriage. I would never give a spouse a guaranteed free pass if they cheated but I would feel comfortable with a FWB telling them to tell me if they messed up. Dealing with it may mean breaking up with a FWB, but maybe not.


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## TheGoodGuy

Fenix said:


> Go with your gut.


Without the therapy and life experience I've had over the last 15 years, getting screwed over by every major relationship I've had, I'm not sure my gut would have won out over my "other head". I know now, but holy Fook has it been a hard lesson to learn.


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## firebelly1

3Xnocharm said:


> DO NOT put ANYTHING about sex in your dating profile!


I get this, and I don't. One of the things I like about OK Cupid is the questionnaire. One of the sexual questions on it is "when you get to that stage, how often, ideally, would you be having sex?" Seems like that is a really good question considering all the HD / LD issues in this forum. Nice to just know that without having to ask. Of course, the proof is in the pudding, but still nice to have that option.


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## Fenix

TheGoodGuy said:


> Without the therapy and life experience I've had over the last 15 years, getting screwed over by every major relationship I've had, I'm not sure my gut would have won out over my "other head". I know now, but holy Fook has it been a hard lesson to learn.


Tell me about it! I know. All I can say going forward is 'never again'.


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