# I can't take it anymore



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

For anyone who doesn't know my story I will very briefly cover it. My wife left me 7 months ago. She took our baby with her, and they live interstate, 300+ miles away. He was 8 weeks old at the time. We were married just on 2 years. I am able to see him on Skype, and whenever I can. However it is very hard as they live in a very remote town. She lives with her parents. 

I am not going to do into the details of why she left me. They are too painful. Some here will know.

I was left in a town with no friends or family. In a haze of grief, I was single handedly left to deal with land agents, lawyers, home loan people, open house inspections, banks and work. The only family I have is my mother who lives interstate and I can only talk to her on the phone.

Now, the job I loved and my great work colleagues has been taken. There were 3 people and 2 positions. The know it all young girl stays, and the lazy bad attitude guy stays. I lose out as always. I will now be working in a job which I know I will hate due to company restructure. A job which involves face to face contact with customers. I hate customers and I am a very anxious person. I will be the only male on the front desk with 4 or 5 other 'power' women. 

I can't deal with anymore. I really can't. All I can see in the future is darkness. I cannot laugh or smile. All I can do is cry, worry, be full of terror and anxiety, guilt, sorrow, regret and some anger.

I was once a very religious person, but I feel that God has abandonded me. Either that, or he is punishing me.

I'll never know my son. I only get a few hours a month (if I can make it) to be with him. He will not know me as his father. I know he will be taken care of. 

There is only so much a man can take, and I think I have reached it. I'm tired. I just want to sleep forever. I can't deal with the pain any longer. 

Yes, I am on anti depressants. 

I just want to rest in the arms of an angel; to be at peace. To leave this hell on earth.

So my plan is wear a good suit, to have a lovely last meal, and because I have a little dog and cat they have to come with me. I will give them a yummy last meal. Then I will have a last cigarette and listen to our wedding song.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I scored 324 on the The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.

300+ - You have a high or very high risk of becoming ill in the near future.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Please don't do this!

Do you want your son to grow up thinking his father was too weak to be there for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

From one father to another, please rethink this!

There are resources out there to help you in your hour of need like suicide prevention hotlines

Think what this will do to your mother
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Please stay here and talk it out with us

I'm sure more folks will be by to help you work through this

Please let me know you're still there and ok
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

He will grow up just fine without me. He will either be brought up by STBXW's future partner, or his grandparents. He will be a good man.

I will make it clear to him in my note that it was not his fault, and that I will always look down on him.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

My mama will heal, in time. STBXW will be happy.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

4ever,

Many of us suffer in many ways

There have been times in my life where I felt it would be easier if I just died. I would not have to face the constant struggles of life and I knew the world would go on without me

However I also knew that I couldn't do I to my family
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Please stay. If you have to, declare bankruptcy & start over. The pain & grief this choice would cause is incredible. Get yourself as close to a do-over as possible here on earth, right now. God may be speaking to you, our working on your heart, but I don't believe He is punishing you. I really don't.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your son will not respect you because you absolve him of guilt

He will respect you later in life when he learns from you how much you lOve him and choose to fight against the odds to be around for him when he needs you in the future
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Listen to monkey boy

God does not work in this way. While he may be testing you he certainly doesn't want you to hurt yourself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

This is not the answer, it never is. I know the pain you are feeling, I am going through it as well. I know there are brighter days ahead for both of us. Just keep your head up and you will get through. Just think about the future, one that has you happy once again, that is what keeps me going. I know some day I will be whole again, and she can kiss my @ss. Just keep on keeping on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

But he won't need me in the future, you see?

STBXW will eventually find a man that can be his daddy.


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Let him make that decision....don't take the cowards way out and make it for him.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

If God is testing me, I have had enough. I really have.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Nobody ever replaces your real dad. Distance is nothing but space. You need to be there for your child. I wanted children, but we were unable. Now with separation, I realize I may never be a father. I will never know the joy of a child, or of grand children. You need to enjoy this , for those of us that will never be a father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Please tell me you'll wait at least 24 hours before you junk of doing anything

You are a worthwhile person. You just need some help to deal with the overwhelming sadness you now feel

I am getting off mass transit right now. Please stay with me for the next 30 minutes

My name is Chris by he way. What is your name?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I'm Matt and I'll be here too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> The pain & grief this choice would cause is incredible.


I'd be doing them a favour.


----------



## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Hey brother-snap out of it -don't do it- that wont solve anything. Just walk away from everything to get some help-you will regroup, survive, and get better-you will. Call 1-800-273-8255 for help. Lots of people you don't know understand and care about you-listen to us. Your friend, TNman.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

No, you would not. I could not imagine growing up without a father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I have lost my mind.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

People can help, just give them the chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Where are you at?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

My name is Daniel.


----------



## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> But he won't need me in the future, you see?
> 
> STBXW will eventually find a man that can be his daddy.


As a father I know I love my child more than any other man ever could. Your son deserves to know that kind of love from you, not some other man. I also know people who never knew their biological father, and it leaves a huge hole in their heart. Even if your STBEW finds someone new, that person can NEVER replace the hole in your sons hearty.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Tonight. I am at work but on here because I don't care anymore.

Tonight.


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Keep typing.....


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

FS, the pain is an indication that you have it in you to be a great Dad.

You are in a bad situation but please don't do anything hasty. I have before been where you are now. I know it is dark and scary but please hang in there, I promise you there can be a future. I know when you are at what feels like the end it's is hard to see but there can.

If you go, your boy will grow up wondering what you were like and why you didn't stay. It won't matter if she gets a new man even if he is a good step Dad, he will always wonder about you. 

If you can't stay for you right now, stay for him and please get help.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Oh I will write a letter to my son telling him all about me, and what I hope for him and the wonderful future he will have.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

You can't possibly know that stbxw will meet a good man in the future for your son. Something could happen to her tomorrow. Then he won't have a parent at all. That would be a tragic accident. But you are making a choice to rob your son of the most important man in his life. No one can replace you. He will not get over this ever. He will grow knowing that you chose to leave him no matter what you put in that letter. Please don't do this to him. Please don't do this to yourself. Keep talking. This isn't the answer.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

What do you do for a living?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Oh I will write a letter to my son telling him all about me, and what I hope for him and the wonderful future he will have.


No. Just no.

However wonderful a future he may have, it would be better with you in it.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Daniel, I know you are hurting and you can't see any way out of this. But I promise this isn't the decision you want to make. Fight for yourself. Fight for him. My name is Melissa.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

No letter will ever replace a father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Please call. Please. 

Or even just call your mom or your son. Just talk to them. They will hurt terribly, there is no replacing you. You're NOT doing them a favor . I understand that you're in a horrible place right now and that you're feeling a lot of pain, but this is not the answer. And I believe you know that deep down. You do, why else would you be here posting? That was a great step, but please take the next step and call the helpline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

This should say something Daniel. A bunch of strangers care about you, how do you think your family would feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

KC is right - his future will be far brighter with his dad, come on now D you know this. How much better for him to know that he was the one that kept you from doing something so devastating


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

What are the things you would like to teach your son? What kind of man would you like him to be, Daniel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

STBXW would jump for joy.

This is the darkest I have felt.


----------



## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I've been where you are. It's so tiresome and so hard I know how weary you feel. Please don't harm yourself or your son any more. 
God is there for you and trials and deserts make us stronger if you will lean into The Lord and trust him and he will salvage you. 
We are all here for you on TAM. This website had been so helpful in my daily struggles and to try and grow stronger each day. Stay with us and your family. They need you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Forever sad. You may be hurting now, you may feel like "they will be better off" and "they will finally get what they want" but you know this is not the case. You are just in alot of pain. You may think its better to end it but that is not the case. You dont really want to die otherwise you wouldnt be posting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> STBXW would jump for joy.
> 
> This is the darkest I have felt.


Good reason not to do it. Do you really want to make her happy?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Now said:


> What are the things you would like to teach your son? What kind of man would you like him to be, Daniel?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have loved to teach him about music, the arts, technology, animals, nature and God.


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would have loved to teach him about music, the arts, technology, animals, nature and God.


So start writing him a song. Call it "The Song of Our Life". And give it a happy ending.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Daniel, it doesn't matter what your stbxw wants. Your son won't be jumping for joy.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Think of the kind of man you want your son to be and then show him! Show him how to be that guy. That's what he'd need from his dad, you can't do that in a letter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Think about being able to see your child. The smiles, the laughter.... Now if you want that.... get up, shake yourself off and start researching ways to have that. There are legal ways .. You just have to keep fighting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> This should say something Daniel. A bunch of strangers care about you, how do you think your family would feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for listening and talking to me everyone. 

My only family is my mother and she will heal in time.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What are you thinking. Why would you do this and let another man be his daddy? You are his Dad forever, He needs you, his Dad not anyone else. You thinking to solve a short term problem with a permanent mistake. Call you Mom now.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

You can still teach him all of those things. You don't have to do this. be there for him.


----------



## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> I would have loved to teach him about music, the arts, technology, animals, nature and God.


You must not trust in God. You would my be saying this. You need to read Corinthians and Hosea and Amos 9:11. And the Psalms.. His would never condone suicide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would have loved to teach him about music, the arts, technology, animals, nature and God.


You still can.

Really you can, don't give up Daniel. It may be a hard road you have to take to get there, but the things that are worth it often lie on that road. 

Taking the easy way out will mean you miss out on seeing him grow into the man he will become and he misses have you help him be all he can. I promise you leaving him now can only be a bad thing and no good will come of it.

Be strong for him until you can be strong for yourself.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your son will never heal from this kind of thing. When he learns what you did he will have to deal with issues for the rest of his life. You know what dealing issues are, why put that on him. Call the hot line now. What state/county are you in?


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Thanks for listening and talking to me everyone.
> 
> My only family is my mother and she will heal in time.


No Mother should outlive their children, even fully grown ones. If she is religious she will be doubly devastated.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would have loved to teach him about music, the arts, technology, animals, nature and God.


Just tell me how you will be able to do all of that, everything that little boy wants and needs from you, through a letter?

Daniel, this shows me that you see the potential in life in general. You're talking about arts, nature and music. I know you're in a dark dark pale right now,but know that you can enjoy all these things with your son in the future. Work towards that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Anyone report this post?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Your son will never heal from this kind of thing. When he learns what you did he will have to deal with issues for the rest of his life. You know what dealing issues are, why put that on him. Call the hot line now. What state/county are you in?


I would leave in the note that daddy died of natural causes. So he would never know.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Also, you've told us what you'd want to teach your son. Now tell me what you'd be reaching him by doing this? The exact opposite!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hard2function (Jan 17, 2013)

No man on this earth will EVER be able to replace you as his dad. 
Don't be selfish. Think of him. He needs you right now. He will always need his daddy. 
Please do not abandon him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Up, my friend.

I don't think I can ever heal. I'm having real trouble. They will heal in time. I told my mama on the phone this morning.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would leave in the note that daddy died of natural causes. So he would never know.


This is naive Daniel... He will find out and it will scar him. Dont do it. Please just call someone. Call the hotline, call your mom. Anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would leave in the note that daddy died of natural causes. So he would never know.


That is not what the death cert will say, or the local news, or your ex, ect ect


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

'He will always need his daddy'.

Why? He will grow up in a stable environment with his mummy and future 'father'. With the support of his grandparents.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Be a man. You child needs a father, and that is your job. Life sucks for all of us or we wouldn't be in this website. You just need to live for you and your child. I would love to have a child, but I can't. So once my wife left I was left with nothing. Your wife left, but you still have something you have a child. I'm in that dark place I know what it is like, but if you do anything stupid, your child will be in the same dark place, and he will be alone. You need to buck up for your family. You say your mom will heal, well guess what so will you just keep on keeping on. You will get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Up, my friend.
> 
> I don't think I can ever heal. I'm having real trouble. They will heal in time. I told my mama on the phone this morning.


We all have troubles Danny boy. Don't be a statistic. Be a man. The kind of man you want your son to be.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

He is only 8 months old. He has been away from since since he was 2 months old. He's just a little baby. He does not know me. And his mummy wants me to just go away and have nothing to do with him.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Then give him the chance to know you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

So don't take away his chance to get to know you - fight for him!


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Call her again now. Call someone. Please Daniel.

I think you know this is the wrong decision. there are ways you can be nearer to him. If you have too much financial burden to relocate etc, that can be tackled. No problem is insurmountable if you have motivation. 

Use him as motivation. There is no future where he is better off without you than with you. He needs his Dad to fight for him. No one on this planet can show him how to be a good man better than his Dad. He needs his Dad to be there for him. You may feel like you can't be right now but you could be in time. 

You will heal if you just let yourself and you let people help you.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> 'He will always need his daddy'.
> 
> Why? He will grow up in a stable environment with his mummy and future 'father'. With the support of his grandparents.


YOU are his dad. YOU. You got that job the day he was born. You do not get to just hand that over to some unknown guy in the future. What if your ex marries an idiot? Or god forbid an abusive loser? Do you really want to risk your son growing up in that kind of environment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Daniel,

I have two children. I am fighting for them. My first wife left me when my son was a little over 2 years old.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If you do this incredibly stupid thing you will be telling your son he was not important enough for you to live for. It doesnt matter what his parents, grandparents, ect will say. That thought will linger with him forever and make him doubt his own self worth. Is that really what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

K.C. said:


> He needs his Dad to be there for him. You may feel like you can't be right now but you could be in time.
> 
> You will heal if you just let yourself and you let people help you.


Do you think? But the pain, the sheer pain.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

They are both grown now. I called them both today. They will not return my call. I will not give up.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

I know if hurts! We all know. And there is no magic cure that will fix it overnight, but it can be fixed. You can fix this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> If you do this incredibly stupid thing you will be telling your son he was not important enough for you to live for. It doesnt matter what his parents, grandparents, ect will say. That thought will linger with him forever and make him doubt his own self worth. Is that really what you want?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you believe this to be the truth? Really?

Doubting his own self worth?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I will keep calling until I cannot call any more. That is love, Daniel. Giving in to your fear is not love. Don't give in to it.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why will you let her doings define you and control your future and his? Why wont you fight for yourself and him?


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Do you think? But the pain, the sheer pain.


You don't have an exclusive on pain Danny boy. Don't be a selfish pr**k. I have dealt witrh suicide by a family member.

I know of what I speak.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I don't care about myself. I love my boy.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Do you believe this to be the truth? Really?
> 
> Doubting his own self worth?


Gia is right. That is why I asked you what message you would be sending your son by doing this. He will grow up believing he wasn't worth fighting for. You have the chance now to show him that he is. He is worth fighting for! 

What is your sons name, Daniel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Daniel, you can ask lots of folks here. I have talked about my children as if they were here with me now. I will do the best I can. That is all I can do. I will not give up, ever. They need me as much as I need them. They are just stubborn. You can deal with this. There is a way. You can't find that way unless you are thinking. You are not thinking with all this fear. Let the fear go.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Do you think? But the pain, the sheer pain.


No I do not think.

I know.

I have been suicidal before. I had the knife poised with every intention of ending everything. These aren't empty words my friend, even in the darkest of night, dawn is inevitable. I would have missed so much if I had taken the easy way out. At the time I was totally convinced it was right but all the happiest times of my life have come AFTER my close encounter.

You know what, if I had done that I would have missed so much.

Lookn at the reaction here. We can't claim to know you well but we share your pain and are here for you. I promise you your Mum and your boy will feel it 100x more.

Don't do this to yourself and don't do it to them.

Please pick up your phone and call a helpline or your Mum. She must be worried sick if you have told her what you intend to do. Reach out and you might just be surprised at the result.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I don't care about myself. I love my boy.


Prtove it! Fight to be his Dad.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I don't care about myself. I love my boy.


If you love him prove it. You can't prove anything if you don't stay .


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Do you believe this to be the truth? Really?
> 
> Doubting his own self worth?


Yes I do. He will find out and at some point that thought will cross his mind. I grew up with a mother who constantly tried to kill herself. Now I know it is not exactly the same thing but if you think he wont wonder about you, wonder why.... Your dead wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thank you everyone. I would make sure my funeral would be 'fun'.

A celebration. Not a sad time.

My boys name is Declan.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Does loving someone mean you leave their lives for good? Because if you love Declan you will not leave him. You will stay and fight and show him how to overcome problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

There will be nothing fun about your funeral. Nothing you can do about that. I've been to several funerals of people that committed suicide. It was the most gut wrenching thing I've ever witnessed. The two moms that i know have never gotten over it. They are forever changed.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Your funeral would not be fun or a celebration for the people you leave behind.

How about you make the rest of your life a celebration of Declan instead. Dedicate yourself to being the best you can for him. The strongest people have often come back from the darkest places. True strength only comes from being tested. Maybe this is your test and you will come out stronger than ever. Give yourself the chance to be strong. Give Declan a chance to see that strength.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

My mind has nowhere else to go at this point.


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

What would you do if someone hurt your child?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh stop it. Your being as self centered and stupid as I was before. If you cared about your boy you wouldnt be trying to take the easy way out. Why should others suffer just so you can "find peace?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're not right. Your head is on wrong. You think this will make her pay? This will only make your son pay. Have you been drinking?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I would hurt them.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Daniel,
Get a non alcoholic beverage with caffeine in it. Drink some. Tea, coffee, whatever you have. Drink some.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Declan will be forever changed. He will not grow up to be the man he could have been. You are cheating him of his father. He doesn't deserve this.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Not drinking, at work.

It's not about making her pay, anchor. It's about the world being a better place. She would be happy, which means Declan would be happy.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would hurt them.


This will be true if you "end it"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Exactly!! How can you protect your child if you are not there? I am 35 and I know my dad would do whatever he could to protect me even today. If you do something stupid, he will never have that protection, that bond, that love b
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Not drinking, at work.
> 
> It's not about making her pay, anchor. It's about the world being a better place. She would be happy, which means Declan would be happy.


Your fooling yourself there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would hurt them.


Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you have amazing things waiting for you. Why not take that chance? 

But by doing this I can guarantee you you will hurt them. Declan the most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You would hurt someone that hurt your child?

Good. Start with yourself. Hurt yourself by living with the pain. Do that for Declan.

You want to run away for the hurt. That's letting him down and going against what you say. 

Besides if you dont stay around, how can you possibly hurt anyone else that hurts him?

Think man. You are listening to your heart but it cannot be relied on at times like this. Use your head.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

The truth is. You killing yourself is a way of punishing your ex, your son, your mother, ect. Thats all it is. You punishing them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I know what you are feeling, my marriage was perfect, and two years ago my "loving" wife saw an ex boyfriend that had screwed her over from 1999. 

For 2 years I fought, I gave everything I had, I gave every bit of myself until I was a shell of a man that had nothing left to give, and she went and saw him again during a trip, a trip where she left me with our 2 little ones over Christmas. 

Now she wants a divorce, I can't stop it, she's done. "I don't want to be married, I don't love you" were the exact words, along with others that carved a hole in my heart that feels like it will never get filled...

But... I know I can do this, I know that I can crawl out of this horrible place that I feel I have been cast into. Many of my friends have turned their backs on me because a year ago they said I was stupid for trying, because I loved her! You may have done all the right things, it isn't your fault when someone else is flawed.

If you do this, you prove nothing to her, to your son, you do nothing other than become a statistic. I promise you, if you hold out, if you keep trying, things are going to get better. You can NOT focus on those things that keep you down, I know right now it's next to impossible to find hope or faith in ANYTHING< believe me brother I know... running, cycling, outdoors activities, football, music, movies, any of the things I used to absolutely love, bring me nothing but dismay right now. BUT, I will keep forcing myself to try and do those activities because I know this will not last. 

This too will pass, do not use a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem. I'm know deep down you are a great guy, don't focus on those things that make you less of a man, focus on your positives, the fact that you are here posting is a start. 

Just hold on, you will get through this.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Punishing? It's about ending the heartbreaking PAIN.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I said it before, you're not right at the moment. You're going to use a permanent solution to solve a temporary problem. And in doing so leave a wake of problems for a least one person left behind. Your son! 

Tell someone there IRL, call the hot line, talk it out till you can get a professional to help to solve your dilemma. Start with solving how your going to be a great Dad.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You will only end your pain. You will be punishing everyone else by leaving them with a shytload of heartbreaking pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Daniel,
> You have to get sleep at some time during the night. I am guessing you are not sleeping and you are not eating properly. If this is so, you need to talk to your doctor about getting more sleep. Sleep helps you think and make reasonable decisions. Lack of sleep will make these episodes worse. They will slowly go away, but you have to work through them like you are doing. You have to push through it.


I was thinking the same. What have you eaten today Daniel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Punishing? It's about ending the heartbreaking PAIN.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No it isn't.

You won't end the pain, you'll just pass it on to others. Others you care about.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Forget about her. This is about you and your son. She is no longer in the picture. You cannot control her actions. But you can control yours. 

If you do not stay on this earth, how will you protect your son from some scumbag that may come into his life through your stbx????

Be a man, don't do it. Show your son what strength really is. Overcoming the darkness. I have been there. I was in my garage with the car running and was starting to fall asleep but then realized what I was doing. And every time I smell exhaust it reminds me of how close I was to being such a weak piece of crap and take my own life. And it also reminds me to continue being strong and life is amazing and worth living. Even during dark moments. Its so much better than the alternative. 

You need to be there for your son. He needs you. Don't be selfish. You may not see it now, but you will and you NEED TO BE STRONG.

And as someone else mentioned, it will affect his self worth. How would you feel if you found out that your dad committed suicide b/c he "couldn't handle starting a new life" ??

JUST.STOP


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The heartbreaking pain will ease over time. You will not believe me while you are in this state of mind. It is not you doing the thinking right now. This is not your son's father talking. This is pain and suffering talking. It will ease. I am telling the truth, Daniel.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

No I haven't eaten today and I don't think I can.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you done any research on being a divorced Dad? Have you spoken to a family lawyer/solicitor to be with him? Is this the best idea you've come upon?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I have been there, God help me. It does get better.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I would leave in the note that daddy died of natural causes. So he would never know.


He'd know

Someone would tell him

Daniel, I am again asking you to please not do anything rash

I wanted to rell you that my middle son is Daniel. Daniel Robert. He's 19 now and a real wit! I love talking to him or reading his posts on Facebook. I like to think he gets his dry, hi-brow wit from me.

Don't you want to see what your son gets from you? Perhaps your love of music?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> The heartbreaking pain will ease over time. You will not believe me while you are in this state of mind. It is not you doing the thinking right now. This is not your son's father talking. This is pain and suffering talking. It will ease. I am telling the truth, Daniel.


WHEN? When will the utter pain STOP?

WHEN??????

I just want it to stop NOW.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> No I haven't eaten today and I don't think I can.


Then I need you to do me a favor. Get something to eat, even if its just a few bites. Get some tea or soup if you feel
Like you can't eat solids. You wouldn't let your son go hungry and its time you hold yourself to that same standard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

My name is Daniel Robert too.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> No I haven't eaten today and I don't think I can.


If you cant eat then try snacking. Eat some meal bars, drink some ensure, excersize... Talk to your pets. Do as others here have suggested and call a hotline. Hell go turn yourself in at the hospital.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Don't you want to see what your son gets from you? Perhaps your love of music?


I want him to get my love of music, my sense of humour (when I had one), my amibition, my creativity, my open mindedness, my compassion and love of animals.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I don't care about myself. I love my boy.


IF you TRULY love him, you WILL NOT do this.

You will fight your demons and you will win! You will get another job that you look forward to going to each day. You will dig yourself out of this dark pit and become a better man. FOR YOUR SON


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Daniel. The pain may come and go... It will eventually grow duller and more tolerable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Daniel I sent you a private message.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> My name is Daniel Robert too.


Small world huh?

You want to talk? Im in New Jersey and could PM you my phone #


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

If people didn't care, this thread would not be 10 pages long in less than 2 hours.

I love nature too. What would you teach your son about it??? What is your favorite thing in nature if you had to pick one or two? What do you think your son's would be??? I think mine has to be sunsets. 

Just think of all the wonderful sunsets you could watch together in the solitude of nature on camping trips with him when he is older. And teach him about all the other things about nature you love.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Daniel you don't want to die, you only want the pain to stop. It does in time, but you must let time happen.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I want him to get my love of music, my sense of humour (when I had one), my amibition, my creativity, my open mindedness, my compassion and love of animals.


So how is he sipposed to get this if you're not around to help guide him and influence him?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thankyou everyone. I get in these black, black moods. Today was by far the worst I've ever had. Thankyou for helping me. 

I feel a little better now. I just miss my son with all of my soul.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

But it will come back, and thats what scares me.

When I just DO IT.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

I am glad you feel a bit better. Keep talking here or on the phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thats understandable. I have those moods myself. Just hang in there Daniel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Daniel, I wish I had the time to catch up on this whole thread, but I just noticed there is some name sharing going on and thought it was interesting my son's name is Declan too.

mine is keeping me busy atm but I'll be back on here in a few hours if you want to chat about how you came up with his name.

peace,
Lon


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Daniel, You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> But it will come back, and thats what scares me.
> 
> When I just DO IT.


Daniel, are you in counseling? Is it possible for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

That's OK to miss him. Shows that you care.

You need to start thinking more long term here. How can you change your life to a place where you could spend more time with him? Could you lokk for work in an area closer to where your ex wife is?

You also need to get on the phone right now to your Dr and tell them what you've been thinking of doing. Have they changed your meds or your dosages recently?

Please also think about going to the ER at a local hospital and telling them of your struggles. They want to help you too like all of us!


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> If people didn't care, this thread would not be 10 pages long in less than 2 hours.
> 
> I love nature too. What would you teach your son about it??? What is your favorite thing in nature if you had to pick one or two? What do you think your son's would be??? I think mine has to be sunsets.
> 
> Just think of all the wonderful sunsets you could watch together in the solitude of nature on camping trips with him when he is older. And teach him about all the other things about nature you love.


I love sunsets too. But I really love the sky, the stars and the moon. And I love all of God's creatures, and I want him to love them too.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Daniel,

Like I said, I'm in New Jersey. Where are you located??


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

So glad to hear you feel a bit better Daniel.

Please keep talking. You need to eat and rest too. You also need to see someone about these episode, especially if you are already on anti depressants. Mine are working great for me but some of them can make things worst. Please though seek out some help my friend, let people help you through this.

I need to go for a while now but I promise I'll be back if there is anything I can do to help you I will. 

I am living proof that life can get better even after reaching this point.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Daniel, will you seek help? Will you speak to your MD that gave you the ADs today? Will you let them know how black you got today?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Toffer,

I am in Australia.

2ntnuf, it is so incredibly hard for me with no friends or family. No one to hug. 

Thank you again guys for your incredible support. 

My baby boy. My sweet angel. Your mummy sent an email yesterday with some video of you. You have started to crawl. Daddy is very proud! But I am devastated that I did not see that milestone. 

I love you my precious Declan.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thankyou KC. Thankyou so very much. I pray for all of us TAMMERS every single night.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I haven't watched the video yet. I am torn.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I will be honest with you. You must be ready for it.


This frightens me to my core.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I love sunsets too. But I really love the sky, the stars and the moon. And I love all of God's creatures, and I want him to love them too.


Yes - the starts and moon..and northern lights!!

Look at all the things you could teach him. He won't learn those things if you leave this world. 

Think of his future and knowledge you can pass onto him.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

The future ...

I have to get on here when I'm feeling black. I HAVE to.

Maybe this pain will go away someday ...


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Daniel, you've stepped back from the edge? PM if you want anytime. I'm EST. Please eat something or get a protein drink. Will your let you MD know you had a rough time today?


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

There is no maybe, it WILL. I know, I went through it two years ago, I got it to go away even when things were still not right with my wife during the last 24 months, while she was still talking to the other guy. The last 4 months I was actually off all the meds, my job was going great.... but she went to see him again. 

Spiraled, now I'm so far down again, but not as far as the first time. She wants the divorce now, but I'm still not down where I was. I know it gets better, I've lived it, but there are times where I honestly don't know how I can make it, I just think of my two children and that I need to be here for them, to be the best man I can.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I will be ok now, I think. I'm sorry for my crazy rant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No apologies needed

Please promise that you'll get to a DR now or no later than morning.

You need help to deal with this huge void in your life. There's nothing to be ashamed about 

They just have to figure out what combo/dosage of meds works for you

Give it some time....for your SON!


----------



## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Daniel- if you need to, PM me. Thinking the best for you!


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

So glad you're feeling a little better. There is always someone here for you no matter what time it is, because we're all around the world.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> He's just a little baby. He does not know me.


*This is so wrong!!*

Daniel,

I raised a child (DD) who was abandoned by her mother at birth, anonymously. She left DD on the doorstep of an orphanage, with umbilical cord still attached and a note pinned to her blanket stating DD’s given name and then, she disappeared forever. DD is now 19 years old and no one could ask for a more wonderful daughter. I treasured every moment raising her. *However, every day of DD’s life she wondered about her mother and wanted to know her. That desire continues in her to this day.* 

The best I can explain is to say that it is a “primal wound to the sense of self” for a child to know that their birth parent did not want to stay with them. It creates a deep hurt and feeling of unworthiness in the soul of that child. *It was a hurt so deep, that I as her “mother” could provide understanding and comfort for it, but never completely heal it.*

*You, Daniel are irreplaceable in the life of your son.*


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> I will be ok now, I think. I'm sorry for my crazy rant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Daniel, no need to apologize for your rant, you are hurting and need a human connection, and guess what you've found one here, even if its through a keyboard and internet connection - we are real minds that actually care a lot about what you offer to our own world.

I would say that if the antidepressants aren't helping much, definitely go see your doc again at the earliest chance, there are hundreds of different drugs to experiment with 

I don't know all your situation but it certainly doesn't have to be the end of the road - all the things you are willing to give up by leaving this life you can still give up, but just temporarily, in the name of reprieve and healing. Unlike Job, most of us live in a nanny state country, so when we really do crumble under all the sh1t that circles about us and usually comes at us in waves, there are kind professionals that will be there to shelter you. So pile it on God, I'll just check myself into an institution if you think you can beat me.

Declan is in no immediate threat but your own sanity is, so don't worry about him at the moment, just focus on breathing, getting your footing, looking past all the sh1t you have to deal with and charge at it until you find yourself through it. I feel like I've been doing that for pretty much all my life, and though all the sh!t hasn't piled up on me in a perfect storm, it only feels like blind luck, I still live in that big brown cloud with constant fear of it all coming down like it does for a few unfortunates like you, but I still have hope that I'm just about through it all and it really does feel like the load is lightening - I am almost 2 years out from dday and her choice to leave, and yes it is the biggest blow I've ever had to deal with, I'm not saying I have it as bad or worse than anyone at all, just that I relate so sympathetically with your descriptions of just ending it.

One thing that keeps me from getting there is knowing that as long as I go out without a fight I am not being honest with my true self, if something kills me, so be it but with this one life if I want to end it I may as well try to use it for something amazing, and I guess I can continue to suffer until that amazing thing reveals itself to me. Even better than just being content to suffer would be to try making my life more comfortable or satisfying, so I take the lazy cost/benefit approach.

So breathe, get your footing, decide what you want, what you sense you want and realize that at the spot you are in you have a huge advantage in that you genuinely do have nothing more to lose by doing something, anything you feel.

And I'm curious, how did you come up with the name Declan, you pick it or your ex? Roberts is a welsh/irish thing isn't it? When my son was born my ex and I had a terrible time coming up with a name that we agreed upon, and so we started going through the alphabet - if it were a girl I wouldn't have had a choice she would have been named Olive, my ex was actually so certain it was a girl and so she didn't even put any thought into boys names - but when we got to the Dees I remembered an old high school bandmate who played bass with that name and I always thought it was cool, and it just kinda made sense as soon as I though of it, but I was a little reluctant to propose it because I really didn't want it rejected by her, but it wasn't she loved it, all our close friends thought it was perfect too. My mom, the Irish dancer was thrilled with it, but for some reason my dad really has never liked it at all (I'm wondering if my mom dated a Declan before my dad or something?) I also had realized that a guy I played floor hockey with brought his son named Declan to play goalie once in awhile for us. It is not very common around here but it makes it more fun those few times we've run into other boys named Declan.

I hope you find your way back into your son's life, but considering what you have contemplated giving up on just view all the times with him as a precious gift. Be patient and always love him and the distance will diminish as he grows up and becomes a boy and then a man. Stay in his life no matter what obstacles are there, even if you miss out on so much quality time, he will grow to love you, rest assured. He is already part of your legacy, you done good!


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry to see you're still in so much pain D,but it's good that you are back here as you'll get some good support and feedback.Don't go away.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks Lon for your wonderful words. I will re-read them when I get to my house. People are starting to float around at work.

We both came up with the name Declan. There was a singer On Australian Idol and a character on an Australian soapie named Declan. This is before we got pregnant. We though it was a great name. And for me, I absolutely love the meaning of it.

There was an Irish saint called St. Declan. It means 'Full of goodness, man of prayer'. It just fits him perfectly. The first time he landed in my arms I was the happiest man on earth.

Poor STBXW had 1 MC at 7 weeks. I believe to this day that that was going to be a girl. We were going to call her Ariel or Arielle (Lioness of God).

And I think the meaning of my name - In the Lion's Den - is really quite fitting to describe what I have suffered through in my 35 years of life.


----------



## Now (Aug 14, 2012)

How are you feeling now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just checking back in Daniel, keep us updated my friend.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey Daniel Robert,

Just checking in with you! Give us a yell today and let us know what's up!

It's cold here on the US East Coast this morning. Only 7 degrees F when I headed out to work.

What's it like there?


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> Nobody ever replaces your real dad. Distance is nothing but space. You need to be there for your child. I wanted children, but we were unable. Now with separation, I realize I may never be a father. I will never know the joy of a child, or of grand children. You need to enjoy this , for those of us that will never be a father.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Lost Hunter - Why do you say you will never be a father?

Zappy


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I am a little concerned about Sad

His last post yesterday was somewhere between 1:42 PM and 4:42 PM his time.

Could well have been at the end of his work day but we didn't hear anything after. He's in Australia somewhere and the time difference is somewhere between +13 hours and +16 hours

Anyone have any PMs with him after his last post?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He PM'd me earlier that he'd be okay. It's the middle of the night there, I expect he should be catching up on some sleep.


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I was once a very religious person, but I feel that God has abandonded me. Either that, or he is punishing me.
> 
> I'll never know my son. I only get a few hours a month (if I can make it) to be with him. He will not know me as his father. I know he will be taken care of.
> 
> ...


First let me say, I’m so sorry for your pain, it’s hard to imagine that you are into this 7 months and still feeling this depressed. Have you spoke with your Dr. regarding your medication not working or perhaps causing more depression. The first ones they started me on caused my anxiety and depression to increase and a Dr friend of mine recognized it right away. Think about it... what a shame if this “can’t go on” feeling was "drug induced". Just saying..

On another note, 

I quoted the above text because first of all, you made me cry and second of all you obviously still have your faith as you believe you will be caught in the arms of an angel. I say to you what I truly believe you already know.... God has not abandoned you!! do you hear that.... His truth...Gods truth...not your truth... or Satan’s lies... God’s truth is that he loves you, you can handle the pain because you are NOT walking it alone.... no matter what it feels like. Isaiah 43:1 says "Fear Not" (why are you letting the fear of a future you don’t know- you say you know your son will not know you.. how do know that... are you all seeing.... you can predict with 100 0/0 accuracy that that is a fact not just your thoughts and "feelings"?) "I have Redeemed you: I have summoned you by your name"- (god knows your past, your present and your future- he has called you by his name, he has a relationship with you despite sin, lack of faith, depression, doubt.) "You are mine"! "When you pass through the waters. I will be with you," "When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you, when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned: the flames will not set you ablaze! For I am the Lord YOUR GOD, the HOLY ONE of Israel, your Savior". God does not promise us all sunshine and flower gardens, after all his own son didn’t have that. But he does promise you that although you feel alone and that you’re going no direction but down you are not. So STAND firm- for every step ahead you take is a step of faith that you know he is there for you and he promises you a future and a hope. A future of good and not evil! So even if you can’t see it now trust him! Trust him one more time...... to see you through. When you "feel" like you can’t go on. Let go of that feeling... say this is how I feel but I’m giving it to you and I’m going to trust even though I still doubt! Because that is what faith is all about.. If you say you don’t have the faith, then don’t mention angels or heaven or a peaceful end. You have it.. Reach down and grab it!! you can do it  He will help you... praying for you!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> He PM'd me earlier that he'd be okay. It's the middle of the night there, I expect he should be catching up on some sleep.


Yeah, I knew that but was just concerned that there was no comm after he should have been home from work.


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

FS - Brother, You know how much I feel your pain. My pain is one step below yours as my wife killed our first baby at 6 months and did not let that little girl enter this world.

Because I always wanted kids and had so much love for them, if someone had taken my kid away from me, I'd ve done things you can't imagine.

So I feel your pain for Declan and Sarah.

Just feel blessed to be born in a country like Australia and think about the people who are being killed in Syria (Innocent People)

People loose their arms, their limbs, their houses, their jobs, they parents but you are one blessed person to have a good health by the grace of God. 

As long as you feel okay, I assure you happiness will find you.

We love you brother and you know that.

Zappy


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Daniel,

Please check in and let us know how you're doing today

I'm guessing you should be at work now

Anything at all would really be appreciated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I am so sorry for worrying everyone. Forgive me if I am not that coherent. I did not go to work today, I am physically and emotionally completely spent. I slept from 9pm last night until 1.00pm today. After yesterday, my mind and body could not keep up. 

I saw my little boy take his first crawling steps on a video that STBXW sent me last night. I was so proud but I went to pieces. The tears this days just start and don't stop. He is such a strong and handsome little boy. The pain of how much I miss him, I just can't describe it anymore. I had some email communication with the STBXW explaining the work situation, and my visit in Feb. She emailed back within seconds which is rare. I told her about my new job and how I am still able to provide for Declan. He is all I care about now, that he never goes without and has the best of the best.

While I was sleeping this morning, I dreamt that she came back to me. I don't want to tell you anymore about the dream as it is devastating. But she came back to me, but it didn't work out. But it was 'ok'. I think this is my subconcious telling me that we will never be together, and that it's just never going to be. Like I was explaining to a fellow poster, I think my brain chemistry has changed to fall out of love with her. Honestly. It's something that I have had to make myself do, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, ever.

I just cry over the future that will never be. We could have had it all. But with my issues and her issues and interfering MIL and an FB group that validates every one of STBXW's feeling against me it is impossible for us to be a family together again.

The real victim here is Declan. He is the real victim of divorce. And this shatters me. This is something that I will never recover from.

It would be 'ok', like a 'normal' divorce (I don't wish to offend anyone with that statement) if she had stayed in the same town. Not so far away that it takes weeks of planning to see my son for a few hours. I could have seen him every day, or weekend. And the earth shattering irony in all this is that I know, in my heart that if she had stayed, we most likely would have reconciled.

And they just axed 6 more people from work which I heard via a text. The mood in the place was best described by a fellow colleague as 'Morbid'. This is exactly right. Obvsiouly you could understand that this does not help me in my journey here. I feel so much compassion for those that have lost their jobs. The way the parent company has gone about this is nothing short of ruthless. Their actions have vergred on being illegal.

So I am not going anywhere my friends. If I get black, I am coming straight here. All of you amazing and caring souls have been there for me. I don't beleive the support I have recived and I am so very grateful. 

Me taking my life is the most wrong thing I could do.

Declan need his father. He needs ME. To deprive him of his father forever would damage that poor boy like you have explained. 

It's not about me. I hope that I can get better, in time. This is about him. Declan doesn't get to have a say. But I am there for him. And I will be there for him for his whole life, teaching, listening, helping him and encouraging him to be the best man he can be, and follow whatever he wants to in his life.

I love that boy with everything I've got. 

Thank you for listening my wonderful friends. 

I just have to keep the faith, and fight the good fight.

Daniel


----------



## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I've only just started reading this thread. Hang in there, Daniel....

I'll be praying for you tonight.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi 2ntnuf,

Thanks for putting up with me everyone.

I feel very guilty for putting this on you all. 

It is just so very difficult on my own. Thank God I have my mama, TAM and Lord Jesus.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Daniel, you are no burden, I was thinking of you a few times today, every time I thought of my son's name I was reminded of your Declan, we just want to make sure your sticking around here, because you are lonely like I was (and still am but more manageable now than before) and for me without place like TAM I don't think I would have made it through the first few months of it all - this place really was a godsend for me, kept me anchored to the real world.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Daniel, no need for apologies, that's what friends are for.

Friend isn't a word I throw around lightly but I use it because I, and others are happy to offer whatever support we can.

I honestly feel for you and the fact we have never met or talked doesn't matter.

Like you say, be strong for him and at some point you may just find you are ready to be strong for yourself to.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Good morning Daniel. I'm so glad that you are still feeling stronger. I think it's wonderful that you got to see the video of your son even though it was hard for you. Try to have a good day. One moment at a time.......


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey Daniel!

Good to hear from you again! I must admit you had me a little worried

I am glad to see that you recognize that you need to be there for your son, both emotionally and financially

Would there ever be any possiblilty of you being able to get a job closer to where your STBXW is? Sure, that's a longer term goal but it is something you can start to work on now. Even if you were able to half the distance between where you and your son are now, that would make a huge difference

You also need to get yourself back to your doctor and work on your depression issues so you can be an even better dad for your son

Please, for all of us here, get the help you need! We'll be here if you need us but you need to take alot of these steps on your own.


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

How are you holding up Daniel?

This is for you " Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me" (Psalm 119:133)"

Lord, things are different now, and I need to learn from my frustrations, not add to them. Help me in this. Amen.

Zappy


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey Daniel,

Can you please check in so we know how you're doing?

I (and I'm sure others here) would really appreciate it!


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi everyone!

Thanks for thinking of me. I have had a good couple of days, I have really needed to catch up on some rest because I was so exhausted. We have a public holiday here tomorrow so I can rest up more then. I have been keeping busy, shopping, cleaning the house etc. But I think I am in a good place today.

I have adapted to being on my own. Like my wise mama says, there's are a real skill to being on your own. Not lonely, but alone. I used to get so very lost, but that feeling is slowly going away. I've been keeping my interests up, and working on myself. I actually had some laughs over the weekend, felt good. And got some smiles from some pretty girls down the shops. That feels good.

I just logged off from seeing my son Declan on Skype! He is so big! He is starting to crawl now, and he is lifting himself up and getting into everything! STBXW said that they have had some restless nighs because he is teething. He's also had a temperature and nappy rash, but this is part of teething.

He is quite the big, strong boy! And STBXW says he loves the ipad, the iphone and camera. I like this because I want my boy to be smart (we are both very educated) and learn. Like I always says, it's never to early to learn. He also loves the calculator.

I have a protective Apptivity Case that I will post to him this week which protects the ipad so he can play the apps, slobber and hit the ipad and it will be ok!

And as some may know, in the beginning the Skype sessions tore my heart out to the extent where I needed a day to recover. It really tore me apart - seeing her. Once today, for a split second, just a split second I felt a touch of love for her but that came and went. Finally, I have re-wired. I feel so happy that I saw my son. At least I have the Skype sessions, I look forward to them every week.

So I am doing very well today. In everything I do now, with the anxiety or starting this new role, or anything I do, I think one thing which gives me strength. When I get anxious or worried I think "For Declan". I am doing this for Declan and this gives me great comfort. I love my son and everything I do, I do it for him.

Thank you for listening all. Please know that I pray for all of you every night. God has a plan for all of us.

Daniel.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Daniel it is nice to hear you have found your footing - what a difference that can make eh?

As for the iPad, my neighbors son had one in his crib, crazy! The boy is 3 now, doesn't speak much, but sure knows how to work the technology.

Thanks for the prayers, it means a lot...
peace,
Lon


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Good for you D,especially nice to hear about the Skype sessions.Now you can really just enjoy every second of that time seeing and talking with baby D.You're in my prayers Daniel.Be well.


----------



## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Hey Daniel.... 
huggs from us.

Glad you are feeling better

 oh, and happy late Aus day !


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Thats great Daniel, keep that approach going.

Remember we are here if you need to vent and Social Spot can be great for just keeping fun interactions going.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Daniel,

Glad to see you back on here! 

It's good to hear you're making progress!

Have you had a chance to see your doctor yet? Please try to get to them soon to help keep you on the right path!

Post here at least once a day please so we know you're OK even if it's just to say Hi! 

Be well!


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Daniel, So glad you’re having some better days! It’s hard I know, but you can do it. There will probably be some days ahead that you’re more discouraged then encouraged, look back at these post of support and all the wonderful friends you have made that care about you.
Stay strong!
Dou


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Agreed. I know only too well how up and down it can be when your in a dark place. Would be great to hear from you D.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi all, just about to go to work. I miss my boy so very much today. I'm trying to keep it together. One step at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just remember we are here for you if you need anything. You should come join us in the Social Spot too. It's good fun and very therapeutic for me.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks KC. I can't help but feel that my heart and soul are permanently broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Can't help you there FS, am in the same boat in that sense.

Just focus on you and your boy though. Have you been looking into ways to get closer to him?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

That is my plan to be as close as possible to him. I am working on it now. I am very nervous today, I will be told what new job I am doing. Changing jobs is stressful at the best of times, but it is exceptionally difficult right now. But everything I do, I do for my son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Forever Sad said:


> That is my plan to be as close as possible to him. I am working on it now. I am very nervous today, I will be told what new job I am doing. Changing jobs is stressful at the best of times, but it is exceptionally difficult right now. But everything I do, I do for my son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your son's truly lucky to have you as his dad. Keep that in mind as you transition into new responsibilities...


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

You know my friends, I was just thinking now that God may have some special plan for me. I have been through so much, but I'm starting to think now that it has all happened for a reason.

Yes, I have been truly and utterly devastated. The many times where I could not breathe, almost fainted, became irrational, did not know if it was day or night, the most painful nightmares, the black thoughts and collapsing on the floor screaming in grief for hours, from the most primal part of my being.

While last week, I thought I was abandonded by God. But now, I leave my life in His hands. He does work in mysterious ways, I truly believe that. But He works slowly and does not rush.

And no one has a crystal ball. I am 1000% sure that there is no chance on R between me and S. She has changed into someone I don't know. During our Skype session, I *think* I can sense her wanting to open up, but I doubt it. I was so obsessed with her. I was obsessed by wishing and dreaming that we could be a normal family. 

But I am not interested in saving my marriage. As some may know, I was absolutely desperate. Now I have accepted it.

The gut wrenching is that Declan will never have a loving mummy and daddy in a stable home. We could have had it all.

But whatever happens now, it is God's plan.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

^5! I like the way you're headed!


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I can feel the tears coming on .... 

I sit at the park at lunch and cry. But that's ok. I've got to let it out.

The pain of losing the love of your life and your baby is immeasurable. I've said it over and over, but I was truly devastated.

But who knows? Who knows where I will be this time next year?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

But I think you do have to face it. 

But not face it so much that you become all consumed with sadness for the rest of your life.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

You're right. Think of the GOOD things that I have, and the GOOD things that will benefit Declan in the future.

I know that being Forever Sad is not good to be as a father. 

But it is so very, very difficult to shake.


----------



## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

ForeverSad. Its a good view of the situation you have now. Im in a simular spot to you. Ive been through the grief, anguish, madness. 

Now im calm about it, and after all the fighting i done to save it, i no longer have any desire to, as shes no longer the wife i loved dearly.

Even though im not religious as you are. I do believe theres a reason things happen. We'll come out this stronger, better people, and our next partners will benefit.

We will have good and bad days, but hang there. Remember, lifes for living. Live, smile, and be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Dan -- just checking up on you today. I know you're still having really bad times, but it seems like you're bouncing back from them just a little better each time. Keep focusing on your future and on Declan. We're anxious to hear what happens with your job -- just remember that no matter what, it's not permanent, and you can always work towards making things even better. You're still young, and have a lot of time ahead of you to try new things and to have the life you want with Declan and with someone you love, and who really loves you.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi everyone, thank you for being there for me. I went to the gardens and had my lunch and had a bit of a cry. Bit I look at nature and the ducks and birds and I feel a bit better.

So I have this job 'interview' at 3.30pm. I am a bit anxious, but not worried. Worry doesn't help anything. Maybe it might turn out better than expected ... we'll see. I'll let you know what happens as soon as I can.

And Angel, I am tending to bounce back quicker every time. I'm getting better.

But I can't bring myself to enjoy things (bass, music, my DJ'ing etc) because of this black cloud of grief around me. It's stopping me from moving forward and working on myself, which is what I should be doing to be the best father I can be.

How can I shake the cloud that surrounds me, so I can get on with life, and be truly happy?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Daniel -- I've had some of the same problems since all of this started. It comes and goes. I used to have a lot of hobbies that I did. I haven't done much with them since I moved out, but every once in a while, I have to because I'm making a gift for someone, or I've got to fix something. Then I start that project and I remember how good it felt. I tell myself that I don't have to feel guilty for not doing them now, but keeping my hand in it, even once in a while, reminds me that there are things I enjoy. 

I suggest you do something like that. Get out your bass, and just start playing. Make it a part of your schedule. Find some new music to try, then do it. That's the biggest thing. Don't overthink it. Don't do it, thinking it will make you magically happy with your life. It won't. But for the time you're immersed in it, you *will* feel better, and you will be able to take a mini-vacation from the rest of your life. Do that with each of the things you love to do. Maybe even start out doing each thing only once a week. Then extend it to a longer period of time, or two short periods a week. Let it be sort of a meditation, where that's all you concentrate on. You'll get those endorphins flowing and your body and mind will associate those good feelings with those activities, and soon, you'll be back to _wanting_ to do those things, and looking forward to them.

It's all about retraining ourselves, Daniel. Don't wait for it to get better. You have to take some risks and step out there, too. I'm not lecturing, remember, I'm speaking from experience and just passing on things that were told to me, too.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Daniel,

Thanks for the update!

As others have said, you should be reaching out for help dealing with the cloud and the darkness you feel surrounding you. There is no shame in doing so as many of us here will atest to. Many of us have been down that road of darkness for many and varied reasons and have found someone on the road who held out a lantern to help light the way for us until we were strong enough to create our own light and continue on our life journey.

Keep the updates coming. Follow the light


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Hi everyone, thank you for being there for me. I went to the gardens and had my lunch and had a bit of a cry. Bit I look at nature and the ducks and birds and I feel a bit better.
> 
> So I have this job 'interview' at 3.30pm. I am a bit anxious, but not worried. Worry doesn't help anything. Maybe it might turn out better than expected ... we'll see. I'll let you know what happens as soon as I can.
> 
> ...


How can I shake the cloud that surrounds me, so I can get on with life, and be truly happy? 

Same question always asked by Zappy how to be happy?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Zappy -- read my post to Daniel and give some of those things a try, too. Sometimes we have to grab on to life and forcibly push the clouds away. Then the sun can shine through again.


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Daniel - when you said, you were at the park having your lunch and then you cried a bit and then looked at the mother nature, ducks and birds, it reminded me of umpteen number of lunches I used to have by myself sitting at the back of my building and looking at trees and sky and crying and talking to God.

Man, I wish I knew when would these dark clouds disperse. 

but Hang in there buddy, as long as you are alive and healthy there is a chane to reconcile with Declan and Sarah but if you loose yourself in the process then there wouldn't be any chance.

If you don't smile all of us TAMers are going to come and visit in Australia and then you will have to take care of us all, 

Zappy


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah , l was into doing up properties and our place here's certainly got enough still to do . lt's only about 1/3 done .

but with the separation , l'm still here but alone and this was an US property, our place .
when we first split l thought thank god l've got this place to do , keep busy , take mt mind of things.

but it's been pretty bad so far . l pretty well feel nothing when l do force myself to do something now .
lt's a big place , for more people , us . l don't really know how to get through it now l'd rather just walk out but , that'd leave me broke and with nothing.
'm use to my daughter or wife doin stuff or coming out to see me while l am , or one of us exited about something we're doing next .

lt's really all l've got to do right now apart from work and l'm broke so ; can't get out much right now.
lt feels so empty and pointless though , l just haven't been able to get back into any of it yet.
hope the interest returns coz l wanna get it finished sometime and if we're not back together then get out of it.

or it'd be a great place to for a couple or family , maybe l meet someone new , dunno but right now l hate being tied to it.

wish l could get around some people a bit , think that'd help.

here's a twist . the old lady that use to own it lived here alone for twenty yrs and now here l am . wtf !


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Daniel-I recently saw the black hole. As I sank into the dark abyss a streak of light caught my eye. The more I started running towards it, the larger it became. Search for that light....it is there. The closer you are to it.....warmer it gets. It's a step by step process. And it starts with that first step.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hey Daniel, just dropping by, hope your still doing better.

I wish you would drop by here a bit more often tbh fella. Ok so it would make us less worried for you but I honestly think coming to TAM to chat about little things as well as the meltdowns could be very helpful for you. It's done wonders for me as like you, my supprt network IRL is pretty much none existent.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Hey Daniel, just dropping by, hope your still doing better.
> 
> I wish you would drop by here a bit more often tbh fella. Ok so it would make us less worried for you but I honestly think coming to TAM to chat about little things as well as the meltdowns could be very helpful for you. It's done wonders for me as like you, my supprt network IRL is pretty much none existent.



Well said KC and this place has been my savior too Daniel .
ps , my support networks the same kc . down to a very timid dog, that's it . nice and simple


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Dropped by to say hi D.Hope things are still going a little better for you.


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

D - How you doing buddy?

How are birds, ducks and your 2 cutie dogs?

Zappy


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Please check in!

You don't need to say anything!


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> But I can't bring myself to enjoy things (bass, music, my DJ'ing etc) because of this black cloud of grief around me. It's stopping me from moving forward and working on myself, which is what I should be doing to be the best father I can be.
> 
> How can I shake the cloud that surrounds me, so I can get on with life, and be truly happy?


Daniel, You don’t HAVE to move forward or to work on yourself right now.... I’m sure many of us can vouch for the fact that Sadness=energy, depression= energy. What that means is all my energy was sapped up with my depression, my sadness, my worry. I didn’t have the energy to "work on myself" I barely had the energy to get through the day. It takes time. Try to eat enough, sleep enough and get through your day. Use whatever helps you to do that, talking, music, and reading. Eventually you will amazed that you had more good days then bad.. Then you can work on yourself. It takes time for that cloud to lift.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Daniel,

I saw that you "liked" my post very early today

Thanks for letting me know you're still out there

Please feel free to post even if it's just to shoot the breeze or ask about the weather!


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Daniel-You have come a long way in the last few months. Most of the people who post on your thread has went through or are going through the very same thing. We can relate to how you feel. There will be a tomorrow for you. My D was final Friday....it was a long ride but I made it. I am seeing a really sweet girl who is also a divorcee. Neither of us are wanting to jump into anything at the moment. We enjoy the other's company. We talk...we laugh....

If I can make it through, anyone can. You can.......you will


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hello everyone,

Daniel here. 

I am back. I am better. Actually I am beyond better. I have learnt so much.

I am my own man. I can stand on my own two feet. I walk with confidence, I speak with confidence, my actions are slow and manly. I have returned from the pits of Hell.

I do not have the 'Flight' in me anymore. I have the fight.

I am not scared. People have noticed, big time. I don't care about what anyone thinks of me. I am the only one that can make me happy, and I am. 

And one thing that I have learnt is that if relationships are so much hard work (as we all know), then why bother? 

I am loving my independence. 

This has been good for me. For those who know, well, I don't need to explain.

It is what is it is, and I can't control it.

And I can't do anything about it.

What I can do, is Be Ok With Everything.

Which I am.

100%.

Daniel.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Bully for you, Daniel.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I am *Forever Changed*


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Nice to see your post and so great to hear how well you're doing Daniel!


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I must apologise this one time only, for abandoning TAM and you all and making you worry. 

I was just about to rant about my reasons.

But Nothing Needs to be Said.

Your friend Forever, Daniel.

And I still, without exception, pray for my TAM family every single night. And I always will.

I love you all.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Great to hear from you. So happy for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

My most utmost, sincere and heartfelt thanks to:

*Angel
Katy (Sweety)
TBT
Toffer
2ntnuf
Chuck
Soca
KC
Anchorwatch
Conrad
Lon
OVS
Gaia
Zappy
OncehisAngel
*

You have saved my life. Literally.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Forever Sad said:


> My most utmost, sincere and heartfelt thanks to:
> 
> *Angel
> Katy (Sweety)
> ...


Daniel,

Actually, you did it.

We just provided the lumber.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Yes you did.

I may still require a 2 x 4 from time to time.

Which I hope that you will provide to me on request.

Many thanks, 

Daniel


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

And you know what's interesting? STBXW has taken everything from me. Literally everything, and I Am Ok With That.

She can't hurt me anymore. The girl I once loved, proposed to, married and had a child with is long gone. And so is the person that was her STBXH.

How things turn out.


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Proud of you, sweetie!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Daniel - so glad to hear! I'd been thinking of you this week!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Pack your bags, and escape for a few days. Think things through, clear your head. It's full of BS and emotions right now.

That's what I did, I was contemplating suicidal thoughts which was a sign to myself I had to take a break before I went nuts. I didn't care about the consequences of my absense in life last week as if I didn't; the consequences of my depression would be much worse.

So I found myself alone with my horse, to my spot where I usually go to meditate. I brought music, smokes and beer. I let it all out there, I screamed, I yelled, no one could hear me but the wind which was good. Eventually, I burnt out of emotion, and finally found anger; anger at myself for such patheticness. It was then I decided to push on even if there's no light at the end of the tunnel, to do it anyway, just to prove a point and stick a middle finger at life (and wife... bah!)

Well, there's where I am now. I no longer have any real reason to keep living either than my daughter, but even she wasn't enough to drive me forward. I had to make the decision for myself, alone. But that's just me. Maybe find what gives you the same solitude, and escape for a while. Away from life, and find/plan a new perspective/angle to work through your issues.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not to t/j,but has anyone heard from OVS lately?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TBT said:


> Not to t/j,but has anyone heard from OVS lately?


I actually have.

He's doing ok.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Glad you are back. Let's dust you off. Here have a beer. Can we call you Forever Alive now? Now you know, there IS life after a fall. Your ex did you a favor setting you free. You still have rights to your baby. Now you can find a girl who appreciates what you have to offer. Enjoy the independence. You will learn a lot about yourself, now the co-dependence has evaporated away.

It's a new dawn FA......endless possibilities. I met this new gal when I was lost and walked into a Dr.'s office for directions. There was instant attraction. She gave me the office # in case I continued to get lost. If not for her directions, I would have been completely lost. I called the next day just to thank her. She opened up a question line and it was noticed. We traded numbers and we hit it off. It's weird how things just happen out of the blue.

FA your turn awaits. But in the meantime, explore your great qualities and diagnose your poor ones. At one time you would have given up anything for her, I hope now you would not give up a bus ticket. I can not stress enough to look within yourself for qualities. I had to do this after a rough five year relationship and....I realized I can write. Now I'm an author. Why? I looked within myself. You will find your hidden talents too


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Daniel,

Happy, happy, happy to hear from you and your doing so good! Very encouraging my friend!! It’s so important for others to see that there is light after the darkest of days.


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Glad you are back. Let's dust you off. * Here have a beer*. Can we call you Forever Alive now? Now you know, there IS life after a fall. Your ex did you a favor setting you free. You still have rights to your baby. Now you can find a girl who appreciates what you have to offer. Enjoy the independence. You will learn a lot about yourself, now the co-dependence has evaporated away.
> 
> It's a new dawn FA......endless possibilities. I met this new gal when I was lost and walked into a Dr.'s office for directions. There was instant attraction. She gave me the office # in case I continued to get lost. If not for her directions, I would have been completely lost. I called the next day just to thank her. She opened up a question line and it was noticed. We traded numbers and we hit it off. It's weird how things just happen out of the blue.
> 
> FA your turn awaits. But in the meantime, explore your great qualities and diagnose your poor ones. At one time you would have given up anything for her, I hope now you would not give up a bus ticket. I can not stress enough to look within yourself for qualities. I had to do this after a rough five year relationship and....I realized I can write. Now I'm an author. Why? I looked within myself. You will find your hidden talents too


*I like the beer part *


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I love this site.

However it does have I feel that it is sometimes not healthy for me to come back here so much.

Yes, I know I said I would stick around. But it kind of prolongs the pain? I read my posts back. And I read other people's stories and it breaks my heart.

And the Impossible Thought of Reconciliation comes back. I know that Thought - Like a stab in the middle of my brain. Worst feeling ever.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I really think I will come back later.

God bless you all!

Everything is a mess, but all is well!!! :-D

Daniel


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I hear you there FS.

It's kinda why I ration the number of threads I follow. So easy to transplant things form elsewhere when you have enough of your own junk to deal with anyway.

I find that rationing and time in social rather than the other subforums really helps with that though.

I think R thoughts would come back regardless of being here or not but I can see where posts on here would be triggers in them self.

As with much in life, TAM has its downsides but I personally feel I have gained so many more positives from here than those drawbacks.

Life is for living though, if you feel you are better served being away from TAM, do it. Just remember it is here if it turns out otherwise. Personally, I see myself being here a very long time, even if I find a healthy relationship at some point


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Yes. Best for me to leave for a while.

I can feel myself slipping.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks 2nt, I did just that. I have 2 special techniques that I use when I go to pieces, the first being the long version, when I am alone I put my hands together like I am praying except they are pointing forward and I tell myself to Be Still. I close my eyes and listen to every sounds I can hear and tell myself what they are (birds, cars etc etc).

The quick version is 3 quick blinks and say in my head 'Be Still' for when I need to pull myself together quickly, ie at work or out.

Yes it probably sounds crazy but it seems to work.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Doesn't sound crazy at all.

I have similar things I do so at least I hope it isn't!


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Wow I feel so weird.

Light headed. Sweaty. Out of body.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

My heart is pounding WTF is going on


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> Yes. Best for me to leave for a while.
> 
> I can feel myself slipping.


Understandable Daniel....just check back in from time to time.People here worry about you.

I'm so glad to see you're moving in a good direction.Take care my friend.God bless.

ETA Are you okay?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Gotta refill my Xanax at lunch time.

That'll fix me


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Forever Alive-How is your job going? 

Still cold up in my parts

Glad the summer is winding down for you?


----------



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Forever Alive-How is your job going?
> 
> Still cold up in my parts
> 
> Glad the summer is winding down for you?


Forever has summer where he is... nice... full blown snow storm here.. Lake effect...


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi guys,

We seem to have 2 weather modes here at the moment. Flooding, or blisteringly hot, humid heat! Makes it hard to actually do anything. Tis hot as hell outside at the moment.

I've been thinking a lot about STBXW S. I am so sorry to you my darling girl. I was very, very, very sick. I own everything wrong that I did.

For the past 8 months I have been obsessed with, beating myself up, killing myself with grief about all the 'bad' things that I did.

But you know what?

The other day I wrote down a list of all the good things I did for you and all the bad things.

And I was brutally honest with myself.

What I saw shocked me. 

The Left (Good) side had 32 things.

The Right (Bad) side had 4.

I have come to the conclusion that it simply was not meant to be.

Plain and simple. 

STBXW will never own her mistakes. But that's ok.

STB MIL will never apologise of how she made me feel. That's also ok.

The whole family will never apologise to me. I'm ok with that.

I did not have a voice then, I don't have a voice now and I won't have a voice in the future. Again, I am ok with that.

Sarah, I loved you once. Once you were my whole world. You were my everything, for all times.

Not anymore my sweetheart.

Not anymore.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> Not anymore.


And that's ok too.

Btw,I don't envy you that high humid heat.I'll gladly take a couple of more months of the cold than suffer through that!


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

'Cold'. 

We don't do 'Cold' where I am. Took me a full month to get used to it when I moved from where I lived to be with STB on the other side of the country in the desert.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Oh man,I would hate that.At least with the cold,you can put more on.Must get to be a strain on the power grid,what with all the air conditioners and whatnot going on.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I am growing very, very wearing of this girl at work.

People directly ask me a question, or to borrow a pen, or anything.

Halfway in between me answering the question, or handing them a pen she buts in and I'm left sitting here like a tool. Every. Single. Time.

And when she asks me a question, I give her the answer but then she has to call someone 'just to check'. And I am always right.

Never did have much time for her since she started telling me how to do my job within the first week she started.

Siiiggghhh.


----------



## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I am growing very, very wearing of this girl at work.
> 
> People directly ask me a question, or to borrow a pen, or anything.
> 
> ...


FS - I remember you said your company was reorganizing possibly. How is that going for you?


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Get this my friend, get this.

The DAY BEFORE I was to start my new position at my NEW job and the NEW place, which I was mentally preparing myself for, the CEO advised us that it was not going ahead.

Why?

Because someone forgot about the 65 million dollar stamp duty that needed to be paid for it all to happen.

So what we are all doing is coming to work each day, until someone says to go to the other place (The 'Big House' as we call it).

Either way, I've still got a job either here or there. Thank God.


----------



## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Get this my friend, get this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And that person probably got promoted somehow.

Good to hear the job is stable though. I know that was stressing you.


----------



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

It was killing me, man. Oh, but the fun is not over yet. But I'm safe thank the Lord. 

But I am stable right now so I can continue to provide for my baby boy. That's all I care about.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Forever Alive-Glad to see you in a better mind set. There are some people whom you will meet...and no matter what you do...they will never be satisfied. Albeit a co-worker, spouse, or family member. If you know you did your best...that is all you can be expected of. If they were unhappy or whatever, that is on them, NOT you. Discover your inner aliveness and create a new hobby or project. It is ALL about you....and your baby.


----------

