# need mens perspective...do I know the truth?



## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

I will try to sum up because there is no way to get a difinitive answer on this.. and everybodies situation will be different, but I want to poll husbands on what they would do in this situation.

My husband and I have a good marriage (married about 11 years then), do not fight, and are raising two children. We are like best friends, work well on projects together including acting as General contractor for the construction of our home etc..We have a good sex life until about five years ago when my sex drive dropped off to basically nothing. (at its worst we were lucky to have sex once a month and it was less than great, found out it was due to me taking birth control pills) My husband is very attentive and caring, and has always be a compassionate and giving lover. He is also very social and friendly which some people take the wrong way, but he is not a cheater or liar and not a selfish person in general. (my ex fiance was so I know the difference) he is also attractive and women give him attention as he is very carismatic.

Anyway, towards the end we started arguing alot more about lack of sex because I was also be very withdrawn with affection as well (afraid it would make him think I wanted sex)

We discussed that I was not sure why I didnt want sex anymore and told him I loved him and did not want a divorce.
He never suspected me of cheating as cvause of low sex drive, but tried everything he could think of to "convince" me to want more sex (not forcefull). In a few heated arguments he hinted that he was nearing the end of his rope.

Since then I stopped taking birth control and sex life is better than before and we are digustingly happy. however..

My question is for husbands that may have been in similar situations.

I asked when things were good for the truth (to clear things up and move forward) about how he was feeling during end of tough times. He says that he considered cheating to meet his needs but knew he never could because he knew how much it would hurt me (I was cheated on by ex fiance and he has known from the beginning it was a deal breaker for me) and that he loves me too much to do that or loose his family and that he had decided to " Just suck it up and be miserable sexually" as he put it.

He had no suspicious activity (that I can think of, except for a brief period where he was working out more but I am fairly certain this was due to the fact that he thought I wasnt attracted to him) to think he had a physical affair. Never hidephone or got strange calls or worked late alot. But, he works with alot of young women and I know none of them. He would stop after work with the guys and gals (his work is 45 min from home) once in awhile but would be home by 8 or 9 so I doubt he did anything wrong. He did not act strangely etc..

I fear he may have started an EA (flirtations or fantisies) with one of these young girls and was considering pursuing one before things changed for us. He claims he was not interested in any one person when he briefly considered that to cheat may be the only way he could be sexually satisfied if things didn't change. Again, he is not this type of guy and in my heart I don't think he would but...

How much sexual rejection can one guy take before he acts out?
It would be totally out of character for him but I hurt him alot without even realizing it. He has always been high drive.

Do you think there is more to his side of the story that he is afraid to tell me? or am I just too worried because of my past experiences?
Opinions?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

reset button said:


> I will try to sum up because there is no way to get a difinitive answer on this.. and everybodies situation will be different, but I want to poll husbands on what they would do in this situation.
> 
> My husband and I have a good marriage (married about 11 years then), do not fight, and are raising two children. We are like best friends, work well on projects together including acting as General contractor for the construction of our home etc..We have a good sex life until about five years ago when my sex drive dropped off to basically nothing. (at its worst we were lucky to have sex once a month and it was less than great, found out it was due to me taking birth control pills) My husband is very attentive and caring, and has always be a compassionate and giving lover. He is also very social and friendly which some people take the wrong way, but he is not a cheater or liar and not a selfish person in general. (my ex fiance was so I know the difference) he is also attractive and women give him attention as he is very carismatic.
> 
> ...


I think you're worrying without good cause. And, if you continue to dig and suggest, you'll convince yourself he did, despite there being no evidence, because he must have concealed the evidence perfectly etc etc. 

As for "_How much sexual rejection can one guy take before he acts out_?", the answer is probably "it depends", but based on the evidence here, in some cases a near-infinite amount.

By the sound of things, part of you doesn't want the truth, it wants the "right answer", whatever that might be.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

"How much sexual rejection can one guy take before he acts out?" Read some posts on this board - the answer in most cases is - a lot. Sex, for most married men on this board, is about (1) being wanted/desired, (2) the physical intimacy and closeness with his wife, (3) the unique bond, (4) stress release, and then (5) physical release.

Something to be concerned about is how much damage did this 5 year period cause to him, from the rejection of items 1-4 (he can do 5 on his own), not whether he was seeking physical release somewhere.

How can you tell? Over time - a non-confrontational discussion. Maybe, if you feel it, a sincere apology to start off.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

NO I want the truth... he has already given me the "right answer"

I am wondering how many people think the "right answer" I was given is ALSO the truth.

He knows how I feel about cheating thats why, even though I trust him and he is not a liar/sneaky person, I would think this would be the only situtation in which he may lie because he knows it would never happen again and he is happy know and no use in hurting me.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Unless you have clear reason to be worried, and it doesn't sound like you do, move on. 

There is no one here that can give you an answer you should rely on here about just how much sexlessness is "enough" to increase the chances of infidelity. For some the answer is any and others are willing to put up with it for a lifetime.

You can't stop his fantasies. Don't try and if it bothers you,
don't think about it.

Be the best you can be, but obsessing over the younger women in his life will turn you into a neurotic and unappealing mess. They are only going to get younger. You need to make peace with that now.

Your marriage to has survived a sexless crisis, don't destroy it by becoming jealous and suspicious.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Unless you have clear reason to be worried, and it doesn't sound like you do, move on.
> 
> There is no one here that can give you an answer you should rely on here about just how much sexlessness is "enough" to increase the chances of infidelity. For some the answer is any and others are willing to put up with it for a lifetime.
> 
> ...


This.:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I think you _*were*_ told the truth, but you're having a Jack Nicholson moment...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Our old wedding therapist cautioned me before about delving too deep. She claimed to have seen spouses who made up affairs just to shut the other person up!

Focus on what's happening now and do your best to move forward. There are no real red flags that he did anything wrong - don't press too hard.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

@ Spruce hub

its been 2+ years.. he says he holds no further resentment from that time. I don't know how he doesn't, I would have I think.

He is just happy things are different and so am I. He says he is so much enjoying making up for lost time.

I am not sure why it keeps bothering me as we have had discussions in past and he has assured my calmly (no defensiveness) that he did not cheat at all, had no EA.

I guess the reason I still think about that time in our marriage is because of my own guilt about not "snapping out of it sooner" Although I did seek the help from my family doctor and gynecologist who both told me I was a full time working mom and it was normal (thanks alot)

I am not looking to open old wounds, I was just basically curious about what other husbands in this situation would have done/felt.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

@niceguy777

I do not acuse him, I have let the subject drop a long time ago.

Again I was just curious of what others in this situation felt/thought. Part of my problem, like I said, is I do think about it from time to time due to my own self guilt about hurting him even though it hurt me too.

I don't want anyone to think I keep bringing it up or causeing him hassle about it because I never do. I was just being curious since this site seems to have alot of people that have dealt with the sex/lack of issues.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

@ lionel hutz

I do not obsess about younger women in his life and am not a jealous person. I only mentioned the younger women he works with to show that there would have been opportunity should he had wanted to pursue it.

(seems liek alot of cheating happens with coworkers)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

reset button said:


> How much sexual rejection can one guy take before he acts out?
> It would be totally out of character for him but I hurt him alot without even realizing it. He has always been high drive.



I may be misunderstanding but 5 years, over birth control?!!

Stop the unfounded suspicions about your husband and count yourself a lucky woman.

If you were my wife you`d be a divorcee right now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I went through a similar period and never had an EA. But I would have been open to one if an opportunity came. I also have some resentment still. Anyway, like you my sex live has come back. Every day that resentment goes away a little more while I try to concentrate on the good that we have now.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

@ tacoma

no not 5 years. About 5 years ago our sex life became infrequent due to my depression caused by hormonal birth control pills. it started as down to once a week until it eventually became about once a month over a 2-3 year period. It has been 2-3 years since I have been off of birth control and we are intimate 5x a week usually now.

to all:Thank you for your input, like I said, I was just curious of what everyone else's read on the situation would be.. some of you thought I was crazy for even asking and some thought I should be kicked to the curb to quite a varied response

I hope Tacoma wife never experiences a health issue that noone will help her overcome even though she has asked professionals (as I asked dr and was told that the birth control I was taking can not cause depression or low sex drive)


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

reset button said:


> I will try to sum up because there is no way to get a difinitive answer on this.. and everybodies situation will be different, but I want to poll husbands on what they would do in this situation.
> 
> My husband and I have a good marriage (married about 11 years then), do not fight, and are raising two children. We are like best friends, work well on projects together including acting as General contractor for the construction of our home etc..We have a good sex life until about five years ago when my sex drive dropped off to basically nothing. (at its worst we were lucky to have sex once a month and it was less than great, found out it was due to me taking birth control pills) My husband is very attentive and caring, and has always be a compassionate and giving lover. He is also very social and friendly which some people take the wrong way, but he is not a cheater or liar and not a selfish person in general. (my ex fiance was so I know the difference) he is also attractive and women give him attention as he is very carismatic.
> 
> ...


Guy's typically do cheat by far way way more than females id know especially in marriages my field of work i deal with divorce cases all the time. Most of the time female filing for divorce and is at her ends with husband's cheating, or physical or emotional abuse or a combo.


Anyhow i cannot speak for all guy's but from guy's i have known as friends of mine males can only take so much lack of sex especially in relationships. Try that with an older man as you age its easier to get sex than when you are young when you are young you are happy to get it whenever you can as you age you expect to get it way more often. Not having sex in your marriage is what leads to allot of failures in marriage however the real root reason (imo) is that most people are incapable of loving each other and are incapable of demonstrating a consummate love and are not able to love others and half the time they never truly loved each other. In my experience people do in the cases of good marriages will not cheat just cause a lack of sex if you and him demonstrate ability to have a consummate love and you are truly good people without bad say past experiences and no corruption within than i doubt he'd cheat. Here is the thing though it really knows how much you know the person and if you can tell a liar or not. I feel i can tell liar's or not but that is my opinion. 

Your husband could of cheated 1 time or so and never do it again and never bring it up. But more than likely he did not cheat and if he did cheat than he would cheat again. Cheaters tend to cheat again i feel he is likely telling you the truth if nothing else feels suspicious.



I think most guy's would not be able to take a year or 2 tops without frequent sex nothing you said leads me to believe he cheated. His feelings of thinking about cheating are normal in the case of not having sex at all often with his wife. For males not having sex frequently with the person you are with who you like is very hard its like a slap in the face almost ( i dont expect most women to understand) i am not justifying cheating. The idea of cheating appearing and your head and going through with it are two vastly different things.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Dousn't sound like you need to worry. As other whittingly said you can drive yourself crazy making things up. 

I would not tollerate long stretches of lack of sex unless. Sounds harsh but, to me lack of sex is neglect and a breaking of vows. I would love to profess that i would not cheat as i take my marriage seriously. I would be inclined to just leave and move on. 

Put it behind you and move on. Glad it worked out for you. BC can be a real pain.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> Dousn't sound like you need to worry. As other whittingly said you can drive yourself crazy making things up.
> 
> I would not tollerate long stretches of lack of sex unless. Sounds harsh but, to me lack of sex is neglect and a breaking of vows. I would love to profess that i would not cheat as i take my marriage seriously. I would be inclined to just leave and move on.
> 
> Put it behind you and move on. Glad it worked out for you. BC can be a real pain.


Over the years I've come to pretty much the same conclusion regarding neglect and breaking of vows. Had I come to that conclusion 8 years ago I would be divorced right now. Things have improved a lot so it's probably good that I was patient (or perhaps lazy)./


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> I think most guy's would not be able to take a year or 2 tops without frequent sex nothing you said leads me to believe he cheated. *His feelings of thinking about cheating are normal in the case of not having sex at all often with his wife. For males not having sex frequently with the person you are with who you like is very hard its like a slap in the face almost ( i dont expect most women to understand) i am not justifying cheating. The idea of cheating appearing and your head and going through with it are two vastly different things*.


I agree... thinking it is one thing and normal. Kinda like a fantasy to take you away from reality.

In our discussions, he described his feelings the same way, a slap in the face. He said he couldn't cheat because he couldn't live with himself (he woudl feel selfish) and was still holding out hope things might change as kids got older etc... 

I apprecaite your time.. it has been really interesting to see everybody has a differnent take on the situation. I count myself as lucky that things worked out. Trust me.. we are definately making up for lost time:smthumbup:


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> Dousn't sound like you need to worry. As other whittingly said you can drive yourself crazy making things up.
> 
> I would not tollerate long stretches of lack of sex unless. Sounds harsh but, to me lack of sex is neglect and a breaking of vows. I would love to profess that i would not cheat as i take my marriage seriously. I would be inclined to just leave and move on.
> 
> Put it behind you and move on. Glad it worked out for you. BC can be a real pain.


Yes.. he also thought about leaving because he felt I didn't love him anymore. But, he said he did still always love me and didn't want to break up our family, that was more important to him than more frequent sex.

Many people still underestimate the negative affects of birth control. They don't understand it causes a state of depression. You don't know how bad you actually feel until you stop taking it. 

Thasnk for your observation


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## lovinhusband (Feb 25, 2012)

reset button said:


> I agree... thinking it is one thing and normal. Kinda like a fantasy to take you away from reality.
> 
> In our discussions, he described his feelings the same way, a slap in the face. He said he couldn't cheat because he couldn't live with himself (he woudl feel selfish) and was still holding out hope things might change as kids got older etc...
> 
> I apprecaite your time.. it has been really interesting to see everybody has a differnent take on the situation. I count myself as lucky that things worked out. Trust me.. we are definately making up for lost time:smthumbup:


As a man I think "holding out" is a very accurate term in many cases. We pride ourselves in being able to tough it out and carry on as if nothing was wrong. To label most men as cheaters is unfair and unequal treatment to men as compared to women. I've been that man........holding out..... but it didn't make me love her less, I still really love her. 
What I would like to see happen in this case and given what you have told us already, is to let it go........take a deep breath, and literally walk away from it. If your husband "held out" for you then he still loves you deeply. You need to love him back by letting these worries that you have disappear. 
On another note, if you still have doubts about him just look at his father and mother. Are they still married? do they still love each other deeply? Chances are if his parents are/were happily married up till now........then he is using that as his model for himself. When you ask him that "loaded question" of course he is going to respond in a guilty fashion as "all men are guilty until proven innocent". We cannot help it, we know we are looked at with suspicion and most men spend their lives proving to their wives that they are good husband material. This is just more stress on us that we really do not need. And ultimately it is more stress that you do not need. Stress makes for a sexless marriage too!!!


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## Eco (Mar 9, 2012)

He sounds like a good man, he sounds like he's being honest and even confessing that he had some thoughts about it despite knowing that you might think less of him for admitting it (I think he'd avoid saying those things if he had actually cheated!), and he's still there with you. Why go searching for dirt that you don't have reason to suspect? I was in a relationship with a libido mismatch and it was really hard, especially since it seemed she just didn't care about me, or feel much compulsion to treat me well (though I had it good I guess, as we still had sex 2-3 times/week most of the time - just a lot less than I was used to, and less than I wanted). 

Good for you for taking care of your lack of desire for him! Go on and enjoy it now...if you ever have a concrete reason to suspect infidelity, then go back to worrying about it - otherwise, it's just another hurdle to intimacy and connection with your partner, who weather a storm with you, and came out on the other side, still there beside you!


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Reset - I can almost assure you (he sounds like me) that he did not cheat. When he says "he couldn't cheat because he couldn't live with himself (he would feel selfish) and was still holding out hope things might change as kids got older etc... ", don't you think this is what you're going through - guilt sort of of "cheating him" out of the assurance that you were in love with him. 

Regarding his resentment, I have a constitutional inability to hold a grudge. Plus, why would he, you are happy now. On top of that, it is well known that birth control can zap desire, so there was even a reason for your deminished desire.

A question I have for you - something many on this board (myself included) do not understand about LD spouses: if you loved your husband, knew he wanted more sex (maybe knew he needed more sex), but had little desire to have sex, didn't you have the desire to make him happy? For me, that is what love is - putting someone else's happiness at least on par with your own. For me, I cannot phathom not doing something, however inconvenient, that would make my W happy. Thanks! And, keep up the good work/fun.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> A question I have for you - something many on this board (myself included) do not understand about LD spouses: if you loved your husband, knew he wanted more sex (maybe knew he needed more sex), but had little desire to have sex, didn't you have the desire to make him happy? For me, that is what love is - putting someone else's happiness at least on par with your own. For me, I cannot phathom not doing something, however inconvenient, that would make my W happy. Thanks! And, keep up the good work/fun.


Thanks for your response.
It was really more a matter of depression more than low drive for me because I used to be (and am now again) very sexually adventurous.

The best way I can explain it for me was when I was feeling depressed by hormones, I felt like it took every ounce of my energy and desire to please and take care of the kids and you kinda get that state of mind of "your an adult take care of yourself" or "suck it up I am exhaust from taking care of our kids". I underestimated how much it hurt our intimacy because our relationship was strong otherwise. I felt it "normal" for most people with kids to not prioritize sex. I have to say I wish I would have figured things out sooner.

Also, I want to reiterate, this is not something hubby and I have still been discussing since things got back ontrack 2-3 years ago, and have I no intention to bring it up with him again.
I was just really curious since everybody has so many different experiennces on TAM, what their take on the situation was. Really was kinds of just for fun and knowledge for everyone. (thats why I did the poll)


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