# Crazy expectation of boyfriend or not?



## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

Hello everyone. I am new here but have been actively browsing for awhile on others posts. I find this site to be very informative with people giving their honest opinions and thought it would be a good idea to share my issue.

I am a divorced and single mom. I work full time and have two young children who go to daycare two days, while the rest of week, they go to my parents who are retired (which cuts down on daycare bills for me).

I have been in a relationship for about six months. He is a very nice man who lives about 10 minutes from me. He rents from his buddy a room in a very small two bedroom rowhome. He has no children. He works full time. 

I live in a 2200 square foot home, four bedrooms with an acre of land. Being a single mom who works full time, this is a lot of upkeep for me and I am constantly overwhelmed and cant seem to keep up with everything. 

My boyfriend likes to come over nearly every day and spend time together. He doesn't sleep at my house every night but probably 3 or 4 nights out of 7 I would say he does. Some nights he will go home to use up his groceries and eat there and also so he can get laundry done at home (his place) or if there is a big sport game on and would rather watch it there.

So while he is there at my house, I have a bad habit of asking him to help with chores. There is always so much to get done at home at night and on the weekend. And if he is there and just sitting there watching tv or looking at his facebook on his phone while I am loading dishes and folding laundry, I ask him to do it. He used to be fine with it, but now he is getting annoyed. Saying he does not live there he shouldn't be expected to work while there. I guess he is right. He actually already mows my lawn every week and he picks my kids up from my parents house a couple days a week. Bigger maintence things he will do no problem.. like he installed a window air conditioner in for me and fixed a gutter that fell off. And if I cook us dinner, he will usually clean up dishes afterwards. But I am overwhelmed and if he is there, it is very easy for me to say help me! lol! I don't know if its wrong of me to ask. Am I expecting too much?


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## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

Just to add, I mentioned his living situation and his having no children just to explain that he has MUCH less responsibilities in life than I do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense but I see a whole lot wrong right from the "two young kids" to "relationship for six months" to "staying over 3 or 4 nights of the week". 

While I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to help out (and he's doing that already), you've moved (and are continuing to move) way too fast, without consideration to your kids. IMHO. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> No offense but I see a whole lot wrong right from the "two young kids" to "relationship for six months" to "staying over 3 or 4 nights of the week".
> 
> While I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to help out (and he's doing that already), you've moved (and are continuing to move) way too fast, without consideration to your kids. IMHO.
> 
> ...


Completely.

If you can't handle your chores, then cut back. It's not his job. He is getting irritated because he's not ready for this. Kids, chores, etc.

But with two small kids, he shouldn't be staying the night at all, imo. Children learn what is "ok" from early ages. This man isn't permanent. Do you want them remembering mom having a lot of boyfriends staying over their whole lives? I never let a man meet my kid and some didn't even know about her. They weren't serious prospects, they were just fun and we knew it.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Yes, you're expecting too much. 

Maybe you should consider downsizing to a more easily maintainable apartment or condo. HOA fees cover outside maintenance and have resources available for inside minor repairs.


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## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Completely.
> 
> If you can't handle your chores, then cut back. It's not his job. He is getting irritated because he's not ready for this. Kids, chores, etc.
> 
> But with two small kids, he shouldn't be staying the night at all, imo. Children learn what is "ok" from early ages. This man isn't permanent. Do you want them remembering mom having a lot of boyfriends staying over their whole lives? I never let a man meet my kid and some didn't even know about her. They weren't serious prospects, they were just fun and we knew it.


"a lot of boyfriends"? That is a bit offensive don't you think?


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## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Yes, you're expecting too much.
> 
> Maybe you should consider downsizing to a more easily maintainable apartment or condo. HOA fees cover outside maintenance and have resources available for inside minor repairs.


Thanks. This is something I probably should consider. I can financially afford the mortgage and bills myself and it is why I am not rushing to do this. I also LOVE my house! But after my divorce, I knew it would be too much for one person to keep up with everything. I used to think my ex husband was lazy but after he left, I realized he did help a lot more than I thought


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ellen76 said:


> "a lot of boyfriends"? That is a bit offensive don't you think?


Not meaning it to be. How is having boyfriends or sex offensive? You're grown. But if you have this guy staying throughout the week...what's to stop from the next? Do kids need that? I didn't think mine did. I had plenty of bfs when she was young. But none met her.

Do you think he is the one?


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## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

Yes I think he could be. But Im not rushing to the alter or even moving in together too soon.... But we probably did move fast... and when we knew this would be serious after a couple of months, it was kind of hard to not let him be around my kids ever. This is because my kids live with me and their father only takes them every other weekend, so I have them a LOT. Im almost 40 and I don't really plan to date a lot of guys at this point of my life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your place sounds exactly like what I want though  Don't downsize!! Keep it. Can you hire help?


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## bABI (Apr 29, 2014)

make the chores about spending more time together doing things together...figure out ways it can be super fun for the two of you, that way it'd be easier to have him involved. Besides, don't give the impression that you are a disorganised person and that you are just taking undue advantage of him or his presence. Afterall, if he wasn't in your life, you'd find other ways to get those chores done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Is the house titled jointly? Does your x have to sign off on a sale? Do you owe him a residual amount on the asset? Can/would he help out more by cutting grass or fixing things?


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## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

Yeah I should hire a cleaning service. I really don't want another bill though. But it would alleviate the stress.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What all does it entail? Is it just the house or the land or both?


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## Ellen76 (Jun 30, 2014)

What does what all entail? What I own? Yes its a 4 bedroom home on an acre. Its in the suburbs. I don't think I could sell. We bought it only 3 years ago and got a great deal on it. There is equity already. So refinancing it to get ex's name off was a nice chunk of change that we had to split. Well actually, with the refi fees, I didn't get MY chunk lol!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think you can't expect him to do it. I would explain to him that you just feel overworked and that you didn't mean to put expectations on him and that you really appreciate all the help he's given you. He may feel motivated to help you anyway, but you can't expect him to co-maintain a house that's not his.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I think you are expecting too much. Why don't you cut your time with him back so you don't have that distraction. Sounds like he helps with the "guy" stuff and doesn't want to be folding clothes, etc. whichever is understandable since he doesn't live there.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ok, for the record, if I'm folding laundry I had better have some of my cloths in there. No way in hell am I going over to my girlfriend's house and folding laundry for her and her kids without my Landry getting done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ellen76 said:


> Thanks. This is something I probably should consider. I can financially afford the mortgage and bills myself and it is why I am not rushing to do this. I also LOVE my house! But after my divorce, I knew it would be too much for one person to keep up with everything. I used to think my ex husband was lazy but after he left, I realized he did help a lot more than I thought


Can you afford to hire some help once in a while?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When my son was in 2nd grade a I dated a guy who did not have kids for a while. He visited when my son was at my place, but never stayed over night.

One of the major problems we had as that between working, taking care of my son and chores I was usually doing things when he would visit. I never asked him to do anything. He never offered either.

But he did get annoyed that I could not spend all my time with him when he visited. There was nothing I could do about it. My kid had to eat, do homework, etc.

He was 48 and retired from the Navy. (We had been friends and "flirts" in high school.) I was 48 and still working, had a young son..etc etc.

We were in completely different places in our lives. It just did not work out because of this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ok, for the record, if I'm folding laundry I had better have some of my cloths in there. No way in hell am I going over to my girlfriend's house and folding laundry for her and her kids without my Landry getting done.


I agree with this. You could do the laundry together and kill two birds with one stone.

However I get he feeling that OP's bf does not want to commit to that just yet. It feels like moving slowly to move-in.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The answer to your question is if you care about your boyfriend's happiness, you should not do things that anger him. A healthy relationship would mean that you are his girlfriend and not his mommy.

From what you posted, I think you should take a step back and look at your life and lifestyle and make some changes. You are self centered and the people around you are valuable in that they help you (parents, boy friend).

The first question I would ask is how did you get to a point that you are making two babies with your husband and before they even reach the age of five you are divorced? This means that you rushed in too fast into marriage and children before evaluating what kind of man you had chosen. It means that you did not think about your children in your life decisions because one minute you are creating them and a short time later you are breaking up their family.

I think you should stop repeating those mistakes, and now that you have created children you have to put what is best for them very high up into consideration of the decisions you make.

For example, do you think you should teach your daughters or sons that it's perfectly OK to have sex without a commitment? Teach your daughter that it's fine to have men sleeping over 3-4 nights a week? Well that is what you are teaching your kids.

Where your situation goes is that your boyfriend will realize that you are just using him for chores and he will move on. To the extent that the kids are attached to him, they will suffer a loss outside of their control (not entirely different from the first divorce) and have anxieties about life over it. And, unless you step back and stop repeating these patterns of rushing in too fast, it will happen over and over again.

My suggestion is to not expose your children to boy friends, sleep overs, shack ups and give them a normal, drama free upbrining. Make your life about giving them what they need as your first "go to" reason for doing things. When they are 18, you can then start the boyfriend, sleepovers, living togehter thing.

I would then take a look at your life, why you are overwhelmed, think about how you got here, and make the changes necessary to stop living this way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Maybe you should consider downsizing to a more easily maintainable apartment or condo. HOA fees cover outside maintenance and have resources available for inside minor repairs.


I agree with this.

Because you are getting frustrated he isn't doing chores at your house but my question is, how were you handling these chores BEFORE you started dating him six months ago? When it was just you?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First off, you have only been with him for 6 months.

That's NOT long enough to even meet your children......FAR FAR FAR away from coming over to your house/sleeping over.

He is right to an extent, and so are you (on the chore end).

Problem resolution #1 - do NOT have him at your house while you are busy with family. Have him come over ONLY when you have time (which I have a feeling won't be too much, but that's fine).

I think he is simply not a good fit for you and your family. He should be taking steps to help you out without asking IMO. He should know you have 2 kids, big house and need a hand.

That is what we call "showing love with ACTION".

I think you rushed things a bit IMO. Next time give it a year or so before meeting the kids and make sure the boyfriend is trustworthy and husband/family material.

I also have a feeling he really likes the fact that you have a house......which is something you should NOT share with ANYONE until later on the relationship. Do you want them to like/love you for YOU or your home/materialistic property? If you think there is no male gold diggers out there, you are WRONG.

I think you made a mistake rushing in with this guy, he seems like a wrong fit....it's time to end it.

If you don't, give it AT LEAST 1.5-2 more years and see what your relationship is like when the "honeymoon phase" is over. DO NOT make any long term commitments/get more involved until that time. Also distance yourself and your kids from him, he is NOT their father and hardly your boyfriend......you are damaging your kids!!!

Best advice I can give you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> The answer to your question is if you care about your boyfriend's happiness, you should not do things that anger him. A healthy relationship would mean that you are his girlfriend and not his mommy.
> 
> From what you posted, I think you should take a step back and look at your life and lifestyle and make some changes. You are self centered and the people around you are valuable in that they help you (parents, boy friend).
> 
> ...


What a great post Hicks. :iagree:

:smthumbup:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When my son was in 2nd grade a I dated a guy who did not have kids for a while. He visited when my son was at my place, but never stayed over night.
> 
> One of the major problems we had as that between working, taking care of my son and chores I was usually doing things when he would visit. I never asked him to do anything. He never offered either.
> 
> ...


IT could have if he took steps to show you that he CAN be part of your family and offered to help out > so that you 2 can have more time together.



Glad you identified WHO/HOW he was early on and cut him lose!!!! Smart


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Guests in my home are not expected to do chores like folding laundry, etc.

He is annoyed because he's not ready to play house yet. You are annoyed because you let him hang out & sleep with you in a big comfy home compared to his small place.

If you don't want to lose him, yes back off expecting him to help out all of the time. I worked full time with 2 children & a big house & I was very organized (neat freak) so that laundry was only on the weekends. I also hired a cleaning person every other week (it does not cost THAT much). 

I think it's great that he is mowing your lawn & fixing things that break in addition to *some* chores. He sounds like a good man.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lets see.....he already cuts the grass,fixes things now you want him to do your laundry and help you clean. 

I would be out of there no thinks whats next I am over whelmed and work is so stressfull could you please pay my bills so I can quit.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes, I do think you're asking too much of a boyfriend.

Have you considered having someone come live with you (not him). I'm thinking a female University/College student? They can cook/clean and watch your kids in exchange for room and board.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Ellen76 said:


> So while he is there at my house, I have a bad habit of asking him to help with chores. There is always so much to get done at home at night and on the weekend. And if he is there and just sitting there watching tv or looking at his facebook on his phone while I am loading dishes and folding laundry, I ask him to do it. He used to be fine with it, but now he is getting annoyed.





Ellen76 said:


> Just to add, I mentioned his living situation and his having no children just to explain that he has MUCH less responsibilities in life than I do.



I kinda think you're annoyed that he's annoyed cause he's got MUCH less annoyances in his life.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I can somewhat relate. First woman I dated after divorce was a SAHM. She had all the time in the world to cook, clean, take care of kids and so forth.. I had a full time job which is more than 40 hours a week, two very small children at the time, youngest was 2, and a 4 bedroom house to maintain. She seemingly couldn't understand that I had all these things I had to get done prior to having date time with her. Well she just thought these things would magically get themselves done or something cause she was perplexed when I would stay home to clean once in awhile instead of just go hang out with her. She literally expected me to go to work then her house. Finally one day I just told her look here is my list of things I have to get done. Your choices are simple either wait till I get them done so I can focus on you or you can come here and help. That ended that discussion...

OP I would just tell your BF listen why don't you come over at such and such a time so I can get these things done first. That way he won't be sitting there waiting on you and you won't have the resentment


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Only have him over on dates, not to hang out while you are taking care of your stuff you have to take care of.

This sounds like a boundary setting thing.

You should be going out on dates, if you need help around the house, get help around the house. He has his own place and he chose a place he can keep up with.

If you can't keep up the place maybe you need to downsize so you can manage on your own? Especially if you cannot afford help. 4 bedrooms and an acre is a lot for three people. If you spend all your time keeping it up and maintaining it, what's the point in that?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If he's at your place 3 or 4 nights a week, I could see expecting him to help make dinner (especially if you've bought the groceries and brought them home), and cleaning up the kitchen after, maybe taking out the garbage. 

Is he a messy guy? Does he mess up the living room or bathrooms while he's there? Does he leave his stuff all over? Then yes, he can help clean up a little bit, too, just like he helps with some of the outside chores.

He's living half-time at your house, so if he's contributing to the mess, then he can help clean up his mess, too. But expecting him to do your laundry or your kids' laundry or to clean up after the kids goes too far. 

I dunno. It seems like too much part-time living together for a 6 month dating relationship, personally. But, to each his own.


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## Kim C (Jun 9, 2014)

Wow tuff crowd!! Kind of goes with the theory if he was really into you - he would just be doing these things without you asking especially in this new dating phase where he is spending so much time in your nice big house. The fact that it's not a natural behavior for him is a look into your future and another potential lazy husband. I think you know that and that's what's really bugging you about this. Don't sell yourself short because your 40 and single with young kids - there are plenty of good guys out there. Relax and don't rush in. I do agree that no man should be staying at the home with little ones this early. Job number one ... Protect those babies!!!! That said, when dating, you should have expectations of your mate and vice versa. Golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You're treating him like a husband. Bypassed or fast-tracked the romantic phase already. One good point is that he's getting a dose of reality like a bucket of cold water over the head. Be honest and upfront, this is what your life is right now. You can try reduce some of your responsibilities by getting cleaners etc, but this really is it. There's no easing into it for him as there would be if you'd both met childless then had kids, he's getting thrown straight in the deep end.

I don't know him and I cohld definitely be wrong but I doubt it'll last. He'll get to the point of wondering what the hell the point actually is. He's not even their Dad and never will be, they have a Dad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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