# Mutual Friend Problems?



## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Hello,

I apologize if it is frowned upon to join the board and post a new thread, I just was not sure who to ask. 

I have a situation that I am not exactly sure the right way to handle. I just ended a friendship with somebody I used to work with a couple of years ago. This person and I just don't really mix well and I thought it better to just end contact with eachother.

The problem is this friend is also a friend of my wife. We actually kind of met through him. They briefly met at a party one year and exchanged contact information. One day I kind of contacted her by accident and our relationship took off. When I finally started travelling to see her and start dating her my friend would come along from time to time and we would spend the weekends together.

Those days were 3 years ago and we have not seen this guy since. However, here is where it gets a little complicated. My wife initally had feelings for this guy, kind of a first crush kind of thing. She has even admitted that she does not know if she could trust herself with him alone if there were drinks and things involved.

I have been wanting to disconnect from this guy for a long time, I just don't really like him very much but avoided doing so for a awhile because I did not want to create an awkward situation between him, me, and my wife but eventually his attitude and the way he acts became too much for me to handle and we are no longer friends.

My wife and him are remaining friends though, and have been in contact with eachother, even saying maybe they should meet up sometime. This meeting would obviously be without me since I no longer want to be involved with this person anymore.

It has put me in a weird bind. I am not usually the jealous type, I let my wife have freedom to interact with whoever she wants and have never had any trust issues with her, however this situation has me a little on edge. I don't know, or at least think it is my place to say I don't want her to have contact with this person anymore, that seems wrong. I just do not know how to handle it. I don't really like her talking to him and remaining close to him because it kind of feels like she is choosing him over me, and I certainly do not like the thought of them meeting in person. However, I do not want to be a jealous control freak partner and feel like it is innappropriate for me to ask them to stop being friends.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She needs to end it for two reasons;
One, you don't like him and she needs to support you.
Two, she admits that she is attracted to him and doesn't trust herself.

This is an affair just waiting for an excuse. One day, you are going to piss her off and she will go right to him for support.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> My wife initally had feelings for this guy, kind of a first crush kind of thing. She has even admitted that she does not know if she could trust herself with him alone if there were drinks and things involved.
> 
> I have been wanting to disconnect from this guy for a long time, I just don't really like him very much but avoided doing so for a awhile because I did not want to create an awkward situation between him, me, and my wife ...


What your wife has admitted to you is disturbing. She gets together with this friend, and it could become a whole lot more awkward than what you are feeling now. A WHOLE LOT more awkward. 



awkwardsit said:


> My wife and him are remaining friends though, and have been in contact with eachother, even saying maybe they should meet up sometime. This meeting would obviously be without me since I no longer want to be involved with this person anymore.
> 
> I don't know, or at least think it is my place to say I don't want her to have contact with this person anymore, that seems wrong.


There will be a number of other folks chiming in here. It is not wrong in the least for you to tell your wife to go no contact. This is not only a third party, but it is a third party you find obnoxious already and don't particularly like. I would suggest you read through some of the other posts here. You will find many, many people who have been devastated by their spouse/partner having an EA ("emotional affair") and/or PA ("physical affair").

This "friend" has no place in your marriage. No, I do not think she should be contacting him or even discussing the idea of getting together. Wrong.


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Thanks for your response DanF, you actually brought up something I forgot to mention.

When she said she didn't know if she could trust herself with him it was something more to the effect of "he is the only guy that I am not sure if I could trust myself with alone, with drinks if we were in a fight or something".

Which makes what you said seem even more relevent.

If I were to ask her to be supportive and not contact me, how should I go about it? I feel weird about it because like I said, I have always been very open and trustful of her. I am not usually in these types of binds to say "hey, stop talking to this dude".


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

awkwardsit said:


> If I were to ask her to be supportive and not contact me, how should I go about it? I feel weird about it because like I said, I have always been very open and trustful of her. I am not usually in these types of binds to say "hey, stop talking to this dude".


Like this; "Sweetheart, I don't like this guy. He is a (insert reason here). I don't trust him and you have even admitted that you have the hots for him.
This is not healthy for our marriage. I am asking, not demanding, that you no longer have any contact with him."


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Thank you Prodigal,

I have been reading through some of the threads already. I guess I just never thought it to be that serious until now. However, I can tell it is somewhat eating away at me.

I also don't want to tell her that I don't want her to contact him because I dont trust her. I dont want her to feel like it is her fault or that I dont trust her, I just dont like this guy at all. What you said was on the money, he is obnoxious and I would rather not have to hear from or of him again.

She considers him a friend though which is what makes this so odd for me.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Have you explained why you have ended your friendship with this guy? Calmly express to her why you don't feel comfortable with her maintaining the friendship. I am not the jealous type, but I would certainly NOT be ok with this kind of friendship.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

DanF said:


> She needs to end it for two reasons;
> One, you don't like him and she needs to support you.
> Two, she admits that she is attracted to him and doesn't trust herself.
> 
> This is an affair just waiting for an excuse. One day, you are going to piss her off and she will go right to him for support.


Totally agree!

She should not put you in a situation where you don't feel comfortable and should respect your feelings about this.

AND YES!! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK HER TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM because he's not like any other guy-friend that she might have. He is a potential future EA/PA if things don't go okay with you two. 
He's a threat!


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Shiksa said:


> Have you explained why you have ended your friendship with this guy? Calmly express to her why you don't feel comfortable with her maintaining the friendship. I am not the jealous type, but I would certainly NOT be ok with this kind of friendship.


Yes, she knows why. I have actually kind of been setting the stage for it for awhile because I just knew it was going to come eventually. I would tell her why he annoys me and all the reasons for my dislike of him. I even started to drop warnings that I was going to block him from social networks and my phone and such soon because of it. So she generally knows the reasons and probably knew it was inevitable at some point that I would get fed up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> I also don't want to tell her that I don't want her to contact him because I dont trust her. I dont want her to feel like it is her fault or that I dont trust her, I just dont like this guy at all. What you said was on the money, he is obnoxious and I would rather not have to hear from or of him again.
> 
> She considers him a friend though which is what makes this so odd for me.


And there is the crux of the matter. You find the guy obnoxious. I assume his overall behavior - what he says, how he acts - comes across as obnoxious.

Do you happen to know why your wife thinks he is a bit of a hottie? Why doesn't she find him obnoxious too?

It is not exactly a matter of you not trusting your wife. It is your wife admitting there were feelings there for this man. Those feelings may well still be percolating just beneath the surface.

Does your wife know you think the guy is obnoxious? If she does, why is she continuing to contact him, and even considering hooking up?

There are a lot of people here on TAM who trusted their spouse to the bitter end. And it WAS a bitter end for them when they discovered an affair was going on. I am not saying your wife is ripe for an affair, but she's contacting a guy you clearly do not like or want contact with. 

No, you don't have to hit your wife over the head with a club, drag her off to your cave, and say, "Me man! Me in charge of woman! No more friend for you!" Being assertive is about protecting the marriage relationship between you and your wife. You do not need third parties involved; particularly one that sounds like this "friend."


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

awkwardsit said:


> I am not usually in these types of binds to say "hey, stop talking to this dude".


I was talking to my wife about opposite sex friends after I discovered her affair, our discussion was about me not being comfortable with her having close male friends anymore. I brought up the fact that I have dropped many female friends once we got together because I knew that they made her uncomfortable. She replied with "But I never asked you to do that", I merely said "You didn't have to, I knew by the way that you acted around them that they made you uncomfortable"

You've told your wife that you don't like him, that should be all that there is to it, she should drop him at that point, but she didn't, now it is your responsibility to say it in a way that is easily understandable. 

Don't feel bad about this, it isn't controlling, you have plenty of reasons to not like this "friendship". Stand up for yourself here.


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> And there is the crux of the matter. You find the guy obnoxious. I assume his overall behavior - what he says, how he acts - comes across as obnoxious.
> 
> Do you happen to know why your wife thinks he is a bit of a hottie? Why doesn't she find him obnoxious too?
> 
> ...


Great answers and questions. I will give you a bit more background on that.

My wife is actually European, I am American. The friend and I were in the Army together, stationed in Europe.

Growing up she never really had any serious relationships but had always had a facsination with the United States and Americans. The friend is actually a very charming guy, always has his way with women, they seem to melt for him. Probably part of the reason he has two kids from two different women he never sees.

So anyway, when he shows up at this party she just happens to be at, here is this handsome, smooth talking American who talked to her and liked her and exchanged contact information with her and they began talking. So it was her first real, wow I like this guy.

They kind of stopped contacting each other for awhile and one day I was on his computer looking something up and she popped up, we started chatting a little and things took off from there. Eventually I would start visiting her on weekends, and once in awhile he would come along. They had not seen each other since that party until her and I started dating. But basically, he has always been an equation in our relationship.

I know she knows I think he is obnoxious and she is aware all of the reasons I dislike him. The thing is, she only knows him from one party and the times we spent all 3 of together once in awhile. She does not know him like I know him having served with him in the same platoon every single day for 2 years. I think that is the disconnect, knowing how my wife thinks of people, if she knew him like I know him, she would probably dislike him too. But just for chatting and random contact, he is a pro liar and a charming guy, and she doesnt know him like I know him, but thinks hes a good friend none the less.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> The friend is actually a very charming guy, always has his way with women, they seem to melt for him. Probably part of the reason he has two kids from two different women he never sees.
> 
> ... basically, he has always been an equation in our relationship.
> 
> ... if she knew him like I know him, she would probably dislike him too. But just for chatting and random contact, he is a pro liar and a charming guy ...


I think these are good reasons to nip this friendship in the bud. No, she doesn't know him for what he is, but she sees the charming side. And a "pro liar" who reeks of charm isn't out to be your wife's pen pal. It isn't a matter of not trusting your wife, it is a matter of not trusting this man to be anywhere near your wife. He is a player. 

Make it clear to your wife you know this man quite well, and you do not want her to be exposed to his real side. Because, if he gets his claws on her, she will eventually see him for what he is. Predators like this man have NO PLACE in your marriage.

If she won't give him the boot, get involved and get in touch with this man and tell him to leave your wife alone.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Awkwardsit, you need to have that chat with her and request that she no longer speak to him. My "novel" is in my signature. Long story short, I had an EA with a mutual friend of DH and myself. He wasn't local, in fact lives roughly 1000 miles away. No chance of ever meeting, but it made DH uncomfortable, all the same. He asked BOTH of us to not talk as much. I brushed him off, AP told him to mind his own business.. I didn't care at the time, obviously. It grew to a full out EA... until it ended after about 8 months. I missed my "friend" but knew it was for the best. I grieved the loss..which it was a loss... he consumed much of my time, I am sad to say. 
But, I woke up. and then I realized, because of what *I* just went through, my DH was in the early stages of an EA of his own. Same thing, mutual friend of ours who knew everything about our marriage, etc. But I asked for NC as soon as I had the proof of what it was. And he ended it. 

My point, though, is that if she already says she is unsure what would happen if she were alone with him, those thoughts HAVE crossed her mind. And if she doesn't think she can trust herself, then she needs to drop this friend.... Also, knowing how YOU feel about this guy, she shouldn't be talking to him either. You don't trust him, don't like his attitude, she should walk away from him.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> It isn't a matter of not trusting your wife, it is a matter of not trusting this man to be anywhere near your wife. He is a player.
> 
> .


I think it's a simple matter of not trusting your wife. She admitted it herself.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Bearing in mind what your wife has told you could happen if she got together with this guy and there were drinks involved, it's no wonder you feel uneasy about her wanting to meet up with him.

The easiest and logical thing would be for her to distance herself from this guy. That way you don't get to feel uncomfortable and there will be no danger of an EA developing that could damage your marriage. It's not being controlling - it's being sensible.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I think it's a simple matter of not trusting your wife. She admitted it herself.


Yes, his wife was forthcoming and honest with the OP. However, he clearly stated that he was uncomfortable not trusting his wife. She has only seen the slimy, charming side of this OM. The OP knows him for what he is. From his wife's perspective, she has no reason to not trust.

HOWEVER (in all caps), the issue is the poster already KNOWS the OM is a person who cannot be trusted.

It is not a simple matter. In fact, given his wife doesn't see it, it is up to the husband to nip this in the bud, confront the other guy, and put an end to this.

Now, if his wife objects and starts making a stink, then, yeah, I am all for saying she cannot be trusted. Frankly, she sounds naive to me. And, perhaps, not trusting and respecting her husband's opinion on something he knows a lot more about is in itself is a big issue. 

He knows the OM is a player, obnoxious, and an all-around jerk. Wife sees the charmer. It is up to hubs to put up the roadblocks before wife finds out the hard way.


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

First of all, thank you everyone for taking time out to read about my situation and give such thought out and caring answers, I really appreciate it.

I think everyone here is right. Truthfully this is like 95 percent not liking or trusting this guy, 4 percent hurt pride that my wife would continue to be friends with someone I clearly dislike and 1 percent not trusting my wife due to her earlier crush on this guy.

I am happy my wife, in the passed, was forthcoming about her feelings for this guy, I like that we can be open in our relationship like that. That being said, that history is part of what makes me uncomfortable, and now that were not friends, whats to stop him from giving it a go?

I will talk to her tomorrow and see if I can put this situation to bed.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> I will talk to her tomorrow and see if I can put this situation to bed.


Please let us know how it goes because we really do care. Best of luck with tomorrow!


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Hello, and update for everyone. I talked to her about it this morning.

She initially resisted saying things like "I don't get why if its your problem with him we cant be friends. I dont have a problem and he has always been nice to me".

However, after explaining my position more and everything that made me uncomfortable about it she agreed not to have contact with him anymore.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Sounds good.
Just make sure to keep and eye open and watch your back.
Trust but verify.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

If she's choosing another guy over you--and clearly she would be if you asked for NC and she refused, it's already an EA.

Some folks are going to call you "controlling", "jealous", etc...doesn't matter: Unless this man is your wife's boss, there's NO REASON for her to need to maintain a friendship with him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> She considers him a friend though which is what makes this so odd for me.


Actually I think she considers him more than a friend - she considers him someone who gives her inappropriate attention which she likes, and for that reason she wants to keep him around.

I do think it's entirely reasonable for her NOT to have a friendship with him at all at this point. The two of you are friends - and friends need to be good for the marriage - any friend who is not a friend of the marriage needs to be dumped.

Given her confessed feelings toward him, and how you feel - she needs to stand by her husband on this one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> Hello, and update for everyone. I talked to her about it this morning.
> 
> She initially resisted saying things like "I don't get why if its your problem with him we cant be friends. I dont have a problem and he has always been nice to me".
> 
> However, after explaining my position more and everything that made me uncomfortable about it she agreed not to have contact with him anymore.


Be careful to watch for her pushing to ease up on the no contact, or doing it behind your back down the road.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> So anyway, when he shows up at this party she just happens to be at, here is this handsome, smooth talking American who talked to her and liked her and exchanged contact information with her and they began talking. So it was her first real, wow I like this guy.
> 
> They kind of stopped contacting each other for awhile and one day I was on his computer looking something up and she popped up, we started chatting a little and things took off from there. Eventually I would start visiting her on weekends, and once in awhile he would come along. They had not seen each other since that party until her and I started dating. But basically, he has always been an equation in our relationship.
> 
> I know she knows I think he is obnoxious and she is aware all of the reasons I dislike him. The thing is, she only knows him from one party and the times we spent all 3 of together once in awhile. She does not know him like I know him having served with him in the same platoon every single day for 2 years. I think that is the disconnect, knowing how my wife thinks of people, if she knew him like I know him, she would probably dislike him too. But just for chatting and random contact, he is a pro liar and a charming guy, and she doesnt know him like I know him, but thinks hes a good friend none the less.


Are you sure they never hooked up prior to you being on the scene? 

And I'm sure she sees all the same things you see - it's just that you two interpret then differently: You see him as a selfish lying threat to happy relationships; She sees him a carefree go with the flow fun guy who might be an opportunity.


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Well update number 2. The reason I don't like this guy has already shown up. After my wife defreinded him from social networks he messaged her saying he had some information about me that she doesn't know that I told him and I wouldn't want her to know.

I actully have nothing to hide but this behavior still infuriates me. I just want this guy out of my life and out of my wifes life and now he is saying stuff like he is going to send someone to tell her in the information so he knows it gets to her instead of me. (We live in Europe right now, he is in Virginia)

By now, I am just fed up with this entire thing.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

awkwardsit said:


> Well update number 2. The reason I don't like this guy has already shown up. After my wife defreinded him from social networks he messaged her saying* he had some information about me that she doesn't know that I told him and I wouldn't want her to know.*
> 
> I actully have nothing to hide but this behavior still infuriates me. I just want this guy out of my life and out of my wifes life and now he is saying stuff like he is going to send someone to tell her in the information so he knows it gets to her instead of me. (We live in Europe right now, he is in Virginia)
> 
> By now, I am just fed up with this entire thing.


He is trying to get you out of the picture, which we all knew already. As for the conversation with your wife about remaining friends with men who you don't like... Been there, done that. And would you care to guess what happened? Never truly got to the emotional affair point, but it was headed down that road. I know you said you have nothing to hide from her, but I suggest thinking as hard as you can, even if it was something that occurred before you met her. He could easily tell her about anything like that, and make it sound like it was recent/within the marriage. Be careful.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> Well update number 2. The reason I don't like this guy has already shown up. After my wife defreinded him from social networks he messaged her saying he had some information about me that she doesn't know that I told him and I wouldn't want her to know.
> 
> I actully have nothing to hide but this behavior still infuriates me. I just want this guy out of my life and out of my wifes life and now he is saying stuff like he is going to send someone to tell her in the information so he knows it gets to her instead of me. (We live in Europe right now, he is in Virginia)
> .


First, speak to your wife and say this "See here, XXX is showing his true colors. Instead of accepting that we are moving on from him, his first reaction is to try to cause problems in our marriage. This guy is no friend of us or our marriage. We are clearly making the right choice."

If she asks about info - tell her outright. It will show her that he has no power and make him look even more foolish for pulling that.

Neither of you should respond to his taunt.


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

While your solutions appeal to me, apparently my wife would like to hear what he has to say, thinking it may be something funny or she is just curious. I feel like if I object to hard she could even become suspicious that I am trying to hide something.

Argghh. I am trying to put my foot down here and just be like, ignore this man, he has no place in our marriage but it is getting more and more uncomfortable to me. He seriously cannot know anything about me I have not told me wife, I have thought back as much as I can think and everything he might know that he even thinks could be slightly damaging to me my wife would already know about.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, ultimately, it is up to you what you choose to do. However, I would wonder WHY it is so important to hear what he has to say, be it funny or whatever. Seriously, if my husband asked me not to talk to someone, and I said "oh, but I just want to know what he has to say"... he'd question me as well. She knows he is toxic. She should cut him out, immediately.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't be affraid of any of this and with a smile on your face tell your wife you will face this together b/c you have nothing to hide.

Be confident, positive and support you wife in getting this * info*. the perception here is to get your wife to believe it is all games on the OM part and you challang any attempts to srew with your marraige.

So stay calm and positive that this is all an attemt to f^ck with you guys. And make it clear to your wife that when this said "info" comes to light that no matter what happen you need to be present.

Ask your wife way there is such a delay in getting this info and if OM is so caring why is he holding back on something that would protect your wife from you.

I'm telling you that this is just a punk and your wife needs to see it, I wish I could give her the advice to not believe this, but I can't so you my friend will have to do it through actions.

So please embrace this info and welcome it, an action that will get your wife to second guess the OM motives.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you stop your wife from asking him then she'll think you really are hiding something. Have her ask him what it is and if he has any proof to back it up.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

awkwardsit said:


> Well update number 2. The reason I don't like this guy has already shown up. After my wife defreinded him from social networks he messaged her saying he had some information about me that she doesn't know that I told him and I wouldn't want her to know.
> 
> I actully have nothing to hide but this behavior still infuriates me. I just want this guy out of my life and out of my wifes life and now he is saying stuff like he is going to send someone to tell her in the information so he knows it gets to her instead of me. (We live in Europe right now, he is in Virginia)
> 
> By now, I am just fed up with this entire thing.


I think that your reasons for getting rid of this guy have been with good reason. If this dude is willing to give your wife some dirt on you, he is trying to get your wife.
Tell her to ask him what it is and then when it's crap, both of you will be ready to be done with him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What gets me is the OM knew this couples for awhile and then all of the sudden the W defriends the OM and now OM has info.

If I was the OP wife I'd be pissed at OM 1) for not telling her sooner and 2) for not giving the info up when OM sent OP W the original message telling her he "had info" in stead of telling her the info.

This is a set up clear and simple and OP wife still wants the info....COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

There is no info and if they both ignor this, they will never hear from OM ever again.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It's obviously a trap. Don't let your wife meet him unless he accepts to give the info about you over the phone.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

awkwardsit said:


> While your solutions appeal to me, apparently my wife would like to hear what he has to say, thinking it may be something funny or she is just curious. I feel like if I object to hard she could even become suspicious that I am trying to hide something.
> 
> Argghh. I am trying to put my foot down here and just be like, ignore this man, he has no place in our marriage but it is getting more and more uncomfortable to me. He seriously cannot know anything about me I have not told me wife, I have thought back as much as I can think and everything he might know that he even thinks could be slightly damaging to me my wife would already know about.


Here is the thing.

Many men at this point would be worried about being firm. They have several excuses for not being strong and drawing a dark line, a boundary that your wife should not cross.

You don't want to seem like you're "controlling"
You don't want to seem too jealous
You're worried that you will be making him more attractive, i.e., 'forbidden fruit'

What she is doing right now is testing the boundaries. How far can she push them? Do you really mean what you say?

She gets off knowing that this man is sexually attracted to her. Look, she has two men vying for her attention! This is a self-esteem issue for her. It is not enough that she likes herself for herself; it is not enough that she is married and her husband deeply loves her; no, she still needs validation from another man.

Do not be afraid of drawing the boundaries. She needs to understand exactly what this means to you. She is going to test the boundaries again, probably by contacting him in a secret way. She already has formed some level of an emotional bond with him. You would be shocked how little it takes. You believe you know all of their interactions. It can go from zero to 60 in just a matter of days or weeks. Do not underestimate that pull.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> My wife and him are remaining friends though, and have been in contact with each other, even saying maybe they should meet up sometime. This meeting would obviously be without me since I no longer want to be involved with this person anymore.


 Tell your wife that with her admitting that she had a "crush" on him and that "she does not know if she could trust herself with him alone", you have good reason not to trust her alone with him. Furthermore, tell her that based on her inappropriate feelings for this other man (OM), she must end the friendship with the OM and agree to go full no contact (NC) with him. Do this now, as it will only get harder to do as time goes on. Also, tell your wife the truth that the real reason that you ended your own friendship with the OM, is because you realized that the friendship that the OM had with your wife was toxic to your marraige and that the OM was not a friend of your marraige.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

awkwardsit said:


> apparently my wife would like to hear what he has to say, thinking it may be something funny or she is just curious. I feel like if I object to hard she could even become suspicious that I am trying to hide something.


 Tell her that you have nothing to hide and that this is a matter of trust. She either trust you or she trusts him. Tell her that if the other man (OM) actually had anything on you, that ultimately he would be able to send it to her without you interfering if he wanted to. The fact that he was able to try to set up this meeting only confirms this as he could have told her then. Let her know that going forward there is nothing to prevent the OM from have a one-way conversation with her. He could send it enough times and enough different ways that she would eventually get it. Then tell her that the only thing that the OM is really trying to accomplish with this phony ploy is to make sure that he has a private two-way conversation with her. With "private" and "two-way" being the operative terms.

After that you should tell her that this private two-way conversion is being used by the (OM) as a way to be able to make a move on her without you being present. The OM knows that she has feelings for him and the OM clearly has feeling for her. The OM will either show up himself or have someone else show up on his behalf that will have questions for her about her feelings for the OM. If he sends someone on his behalf, that person will also try to set up a secret way for your wife to be able to communicate with or perhaps meet with the OM. Tell your wife that you will not let the OM be empowered with this ploy to play games with your marraige and ask her to support you on this. The OM's actions only confirms that he is an enemy of the marraige and that their should be complete no contact with the OM going forward. Tell your wife that their is no reason that your wife should want to play this private two-way conversation game with the OM unless she is interested in the OM as more than just a friend; call her out on this.

One more thing. Your wife and the OM may already be in either an emotional affair (EA) or a physical affair (PA), in which case be prepared for a fight on this phony ploy. This is as direct an attack on your marraige as there can be and by someone that your wife has told you that she does not trust herself alone with. Now is not the time to worry about being a nice guy or acting jealous. Now is the time to man up and protect your marraige. Do not agree to the OM's terms and let her play his game.


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## awkwardsit (May 12, 2012)

Hello again and really, thank you all for your thought out and caring responses. I really do appreciate it a lot.

Hopefully, this can be the last update I give on the situation.

Where we left off was after my wife deleted him from social networks he sent a message with the threat of information. He said since he could not be sure that he was getting the message through to my wife that he had contacted someone to give the information to her in person. We are in Europe and he is in Virginia, but he does know people in the area.

The only real line of communication this man has with us these days is social media since he does not have our international numbers or emails. So after yet another discussion with my wife we came to the agreement that this is doing too much harm, and that he is being an immature little kid.

She has now blocked him from being able to see, access or send messages to her social media profile and has cut off all contact with him. If somebody does come around to give her this information he speaks of, oh well, she will know whatever it is is bull.

Hopefully this is the last update on this I have to give, and again thank you everyone for the great answers.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Good on you and your wife.

Stick together and let no one ever, ever, divide you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

DanF said:


> Good on you and your wife.
> 
> Stick together and let no one ever, ever, divide you.


On the topic of not being divided, I strongly suggest you both agree that there will never be any private communications with/from him for either of you from this point forward.

This includes if he does send a message - both of you hear it and receive it - if you choose to - but never just one of you.

What he hopes to do with her is to create a secret, and a secret conversation. His goal is to isolate her from you, and drive a wedge. The simplest response to this tactic is to refuse to be separate when it comes to him - always be together and supporting one another.

Notice BTW - he didn't care that you dumped him, but when she did he noticed and threatened. Guess what his motive is?


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

It means that the third person is showing red flags to your relationship. You must ask your that you don't like that man and as she said that she does not herself, it can create a big problem in your relationship, so she have to end the relationship...


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