# Why This Lingering Nostalgia?



## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Just wondering if anyone can tell me if what I'm feeling is normal. First some background....my ex BF and I were together off and on for four years. It was a real roller coaster, with lot's of emotional and physical detachment on his part, resulting in my unhappiness, and then of course arguments. I often found myself trying to twist myself around to accommodate his constantly changing "terms" in the relationship. He moved out of our house two years ago and over the course of the next two years we reconnected and broke up probably five times. Each time we broke up it was he who came back and wanted to reconcile. He broke up one new relationship of mine. He always came back, but he always was the one to leave again and it was terribly traumatic every time he left. And each time we reconnected he created more and more artificial boundaries to the relationship so that by the time we broke up for good last month we were down to seeing each other at most once per week (his choice). He lives 50 miles away so it was easy for him to make excuses not to see me. If I complained about that I was told I was demanding and insecure.

I have spent so much time alone over the last two years (even when he and I were "together"), that I've become totally accustomed to living without another person in my life. I have an active life, a fulfilling job, interesting hobbies, and good friends. So I felt like I was more than ready to start dating again after this last time that he broke up with me. After all, I wasn't grieving over him, I was perfectly adept at living alone, and I was ready to find someone who really enjoyed my company and actually WANTED to spend time with me. I met a wonderful man several weeks ago who is a great fit for me in so many ways. He has many of the qualities I'm looking for...educated and intelligent, active, outdoorsy, stable, kind, competent, shared value system and approach to spirituality (i.e., not mainstream religion). We both have daughters who are in high school and will be gone in a couple of years so we've talked about traveling together. 

The problem is...sometimes when I'm with him, I find myself suddenly gripped by a painful nostalgia and longing for my ex. Despite the conflict with my ex, we connected at an intellectual level that I've never experienced with anyone else, and our conversations were wonderful at times. I don't feel that ease with the new guy. I'm scared that I will never stop missing him and that this will keep me from ever fully opening up to another man. I know this guy has so many things to offer that my ex didn't, but there are still some things missing. And yet, there were so many bad things about my ex...he made me cry all the time, and I don't think this new man would ever be the type to cause me pain. Will I get over this? Did I start dating too soon? Do I just need to push through this? I don't want to jettison the new guy...he's really great and I think I just need time to become familiar with him.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Don't make it an all-or-nothing relationship. You just met the guy a few weeks ago so give it time to grow but also understand that he may not be "the one". Sounds like the new guy has 90% of the traits you like and only 10% deficient in that he can't keep up with you on an intellectual level. Maybe that's a good trade instead of going through more traumatic reconciles and departures by the first guy.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Don't make it an all-or-nothing relationship. You just met the guy a few weeks ago so give it time to grow but also understand that he may not be "the one". Sounds like the new guy has 90% of the traits you like and only 10% deficient in that he can't keep up with you on an intellectual level. Maybe that's a good trade instead of going through more traumatic reconciles and departures by the first guy.


I'm trying to approach it that way...taking it slow and just enjoying all those things about this new guy that I DO like. Ironically, the very thing I loved about my ex (his intellect) was what he used to torment me with at times. We could never resolve an argument because he always had to be right and he could twist logic so skillfully and make me look like the bad guy....it made me crazy. The new guy is much more easy going and clearly a negotiator rather than an adversarial personality. I actually admire that about him and I know he would be much easier to get along with. I think you're right that maybe giving up the intellectual intensity of the previous relationship in exchange for some peace and harmony may actually be a good thing. I'm just afraid I'll get bored. I've always been attracted to very intense men...and it hasn't worked out so well for me!


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Why not seek your intellectual needs via a same-sex source or a platonic relationship elsewhere? There's no reason you can't have a "friend" that helps fulfill that need.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why do you feel the need to be in a "relationship" with the new guy? Why not just enjoy his company for what he has to offer and let it go at that for now? Just cause he is correct on paper doesn't mean you will fall in love. When I first became single I approached every date as if I was shopping for a new wife, not openly but always in my thoughts. I was an idiot! Now I'm pretty casual about it, I let things unfold as they will. 

What I'm saying is accept the guy for who he is, if love develops great, if not then it just wasn't meant to be.

I had to come back and edit this because I never answered your question about nostalgic feelings. I would have to say you are still emotionally hung up on your old boyfriend, you are looking for a man who has similar traits because you miss that (or him). I say that because most times when a relationship ends there are bad feelings and you look for someone "different" than the ex, not the same. JMO.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Why do you feel the need to be in a "relationship" with the new guy? Why not just enjoy his company for what he has to offer and let it go at that for now? Just cause he is correct on paper doesn't mean you will fall in love. When I first became single I approached every date as if I was shopping for a new wife, not openly but always in my thoughts. I was an idiot! Now I'm pretty casual about it, I let things unfold as they will.
> 
> What I'm saying is accept the guy for who he is, if love develops great, if not then it just wasn't meant to be.
> 
> I had to come back and edit this because I never answered your question about nostalgic feelings. I would have to say you are still emotionally hung up on your old boyfriend, you are looking for a man who has similar traits because you miss that (or him). I say that because most times when a relationship ends there are bad feelings and you look for someone "different" than the ex, not the same. JMO.


Thank you Cooper,

You are absolutely right. I don't need to approach this as a potential long-term relationship. But he's not the first guy I dated after splitting with my ex...he's just the first one I've really liked. My ex and I have actually broken up (or more accurately, he's left me) and gotten back together (he's always the one who wants to reconcile) five times in two years. I've dated several men during the break-up periods and 
none of them were that interesting to me. 

There were bad feelings with my ex...VERY bad feelings. I frankly can't stand the guy, which is why I don't understand why I miss any aspect of his personality. The new guy is very different from my ex...he's a much calmer, more easy going person, and he seems to be responsible and accountable, where my ex was chronically agitated, flaky, undependable, and always the victim. I am trying to accept this new guy for who he is and, you know, I really do like him. 

I think I will just take your advice, relax, and enjoy the summer with my new friend. He loves to hike, camp, canoe, and mountain bike...all of which I love and could never get my ex to do. That's a major plus in his column!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia...maybe dating has triggered things in your past. Is the ex you speak of the one that was the emotional abuser?I remember you and I talking about exes in another thread.

My advise is to focus on the present and future. Don't live your life looking in the rearview mirror. Your ex is gone now and you ahve to treat it as such. If you have a trigger, focus on the bad things he did and why it iddn't work out.

If you had nothing in common with the ex, you wouldn't have even been with them so you just have to move forward knowing that you guys were nto meant to be.

You haven't been dating new guy that long so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Enjoy it and live life in the moment.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Hi Jelly,

Yes, that's the same ex. I'm quickly getting over my attachment to him. One big difference is the new guy is much quieter and low key than my ex. My ex was very intelligent and opinionated but also arrogant and sarcastic. I tend to look for that personality type in a man and I find low-key personalities a little boring. But what I've also realized is that my ex was articulate and sharp witted, but his personality also made him a ****y jerk. The new guy is intelligent but in a quiet, respectful way...he's not full of himself. And, despite my ex being so arrogant, he is nowhere near as successful professionally or personally as this new guy (who really has his sh*t together).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> Hi Jelly,
> 
> *Yes, that's the same ex*. I'm quickly getting over my attachment to him. One big difference is the new guy is much quieter and low key than my ex.* My ex was very intelligent and opinionated but also arrogant and sarcastic*. I tend to look for that personality type in a man and I find low-key personalities a little boring. But what I've also realized is that my ex was articulate and sharp witted, but *his personality also made him a ****y jerk*. The new guy is intelligent but in a quiet, respectful way...he's not full of himself. *And, despite my ex being so arrogant, he is nowhere near as successful professionally or personally as this new guy (who really has his sh*t together)*.



Focus on all of these things when you remember your ex. And really focus on his stupid arrogance and silence!!!!!!!!!! That will def make you want to run for the hills! LOL. Seriously--remember your worst argument when you think of your ex and it will make you glad you're not with him. Remember the break up. Remember nasty things he said and did.

I noticed you said you tend to look for arrogant and find low-key boring. If you always look fo rthe same thing, you will prob get the same result, ya know? So try something new  This new guy could be a catch. Don't let The Ghost of D*uchebag(s) Past effect your future!


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