# Wife exchanging nudes with mutual friend.



## WhyDoITrySoHard

My wife brought up divorce last Friday without telling me any of the truth. She fed me lies about how she grew attraction to her co worker and was feeling wanderlust. We had deep conversations and she said after a couple of days that she wanted to work on us.

Some of her actions and words didn't match up and I had the sickening feeling she was already cheating. I did a despicable thing and snooped on her phone. I saw the sort of text they have been sending since last Thursday. Exchanging nudes, creating meetup times for the weekends, scheming how to fake a business trip, oh and also how the friend said he didn't want to date and instead remain friends with benefits on the same day she "wanted to work on us" So she is not genuine. She got rejected by her ****boi and wants to crawl back to me. I want a divorce but we have 2 kids, global pandemic, and low income atm. Hell I wanted to go to counseling at first, she made me feel like it was entirely my fault she wanted a divorce but that wasnt true. Now? I don't want to waste my money on that.

The kicker is that this isnt the first time. She sexted (no nudes according to her) a mutual friend 5 years ago. Oh and when I confronted her about the texts I got new info on an old cheat. She told me 4 years ago she got a hand job from another friend when at the time (a month after the fact) she told me she only kissed the friend. Like I'm still getting new information of past cheating. I can't trust what she says because she could be just hiding the whole truth and only feeding me what she WANTS me to know. If I didn't snoop she wouldn't have told me anything, her words. They are still texting but she says they arent sexting, like I can even trust that anymore.


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## Marc878

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> My wife brought up divorce last Friday without telling me any of the truth. She fed me lies about how she grew attraction to her co worker and was feeling wanderlust. We had deep conversations and she said after a couple of days that she wanted to work on us.
> 
> *Bud, she’s just went into self protection mode. This is for her not you.*
> 
> Some of her actions and words didn't match up and I had the sickening feeling she was already cheating. *I did a despicable thing and snooped on her phone. *I saw the sort of text they have been sending since last Thursday. Exchanging nudes, creating meetup times for the weekends, scheming how to fake a business trip, oh and also how the friend said he didn't want to date and instead remain friends with benefits on the same day she "wanted to work on us" So she is not genuine. She got rejected by her fuccboi and wants to crawl back to me. I want a divorce but we have 2 kids, global pandemic, and low income atm. Hell I wanted to go to counseling at first, she made me feel like it was entirely my fault she wanted a divorce but that wasnt true. Now? I don't want to waste my money on that.
> 
> *There is no privacy to cheat in a marriage. You should have been investigating sooner. Stay out of marriage counseling. They are notorious rugsweepers And will blame you for her 100% willing decision to cheat. Stop making excuses on why you can’t move forward with D and look for how you can.*
> 
> The kicker is that this isnt the first time. She sexted (no nudes according to her) a mutual friend 5 years ago. Oh and when I confronted her about the texts I got new info on an old cheat. She told me 4 years ago she got a hand job from another friend when at the time (a month after the fact) she told me she only kissed the friend. Like I'm still getting new information of past cheating. I can't trust what she says because she could be just hiding the whole truth and only feeding me what she WANTS me to know. If I didn't snoop she wouldn't have told me anything, her words. They are still texting but she says they arent sexting, like I can even trust that anymore.


You are married to a serial cheater. She’ll never stop. DNA your kids. Get tested for STDs and cut off any unnecessary contact. Move her out of your bedroom.

You have a choice. Stay in this and continue to get cheated on or move on.

All cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting or will get.


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## Lostinthought61

clearly you have a serial cheater on your hand so any and i mean any trust is gone....you can never believe what comes out of her mouth......so if divorce is not an option due to the kids, i would protect myself than, I would expose this to everyone so she understands that there are consequences to her actions. I would record all conversations with her and i would tell her that you will push a post-nup if you have to stay married. you realize you are plan b


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

Marc878 said:


> DNA your kids.


When I told her I have to question the last 5 years of my life and my son is 3 years old. She didn't like that and was like "get a DNA test if you can't believe he is yours" the way she said it hurt cause i ****ing love these kids, I don't want to doubt them. They are too special to me. More so than she is right now.


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## hinterdir

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> My wife brought up divorce last Friday without telling me any of the truth. She fed me lies about how she grew attraction to her co worker and was feeling wanderlust. We had deep conversations and she said after a couple of days that she wanted to work on us.
> 
> Some of her actions and words didn't match up and I had the sickening feeling she was already cheating. I did a despicable thing and snooped on her phone. I saw the sort of text they have been sending since last Thursday. Exchanging nudes, creating meetup times for the weekends, scheming how to fake a business trip, oh and also how the friend said he didn't want to date and instead remain friends with benefits on the same day she "wanted to work on us" So she is not genuine. She got rejected by her fuccboi and wants to crawl back to me. I want a divorce but we have 2 kids, global pandemic, and low income atm. Hell I wanted to go to counseling at first, she made me feel like it was entirely my fault she wanted a divorce but that wasnt true. Now? I don't want to waste my money on that.
> 
> The kicker is that this isnt the first time. She sexted (no nudes according to her) a mutual friend 5 years ago. Oh and when I confronted her about the texts I got new info on an old cheat. She told me 4 years ago she got a hand job from another friend when at the time (a month after the fact) she told me she only kissed the friend. Like I'm still getting new information of past cheating. I can't trust what she says because she could be just hiding the whole truth and only feeding me what she WANTS me to know. If I didn't snoop she wouldn't have told me anything, her words. They are still texting but she says they arent sexting, like I can even trust that anymore.


Why would you stay with that?
She sounds horrible.
You will be miserable the rest of your life if you stay with her.
Move on, there a tons of better women than her.
Kids are not a reason to stay with a selfish, adulteress shrew.
Good luck.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

Lostinthought61 said:


> clearly you have a serial cheater on your hand so any and i mean any trust is gone....you can never believe what comes out of her mouth......so if divorce is not an option due to the kids, i would protect myself than, I would expose this to everyone so she understands that there are consequences to her actions. I would record all conversations with her and i would tell her that you will push a post-nup if you have to stay married. you realize you are plan b



I didn't even know post-nup was a thing! She was super against pre-nup when I thought that was the norm.


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## Marc878

Until you wake up to reality you’re in for more of what you’ve been getting.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

hinterdir said:


> Why would you stay with that?
> She sounds horrible.
> You will be miserable the rest of your life if you stay with her.
> Move on, there a tons of better women than her.
> Kids are not a reason to stay with a selfish, adulteress shrew.
> Good luck.


It's why I'm starting to feel trapped. The kids need care and I don't think I would be able to support them on my own. I had to quit my job and schooling when my wife had a small breakdown about a year ago (said she hated being home alone with the kids). I admit there is a tinge of anger when I think about how i threw my education away to support this woman through college.


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## Livvie

You aren't trapped.

You can get the divorce ball rolling right now.

If she makes more money than you, she might end up paying you child support.

Divorce can take a long time. Book an initial consultation with an attorney. You could do it over the phone.


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## Music_Man

Consult an attorney immediately. As others have said, she's a serial cheat and remember- this is based solely on what she's told you. I guarantee there other partners and a lot more things that she isn't telling you. 

I'm sorry you're here. Sounds like you already know what you need to do. Don't let your financial situation or kids dictate everything. There are creative ways to deal with this, and a competent attorney can help you wade through it.


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## Openminded

Serial cheaters almost never change. They’re having too much fun. Keep that in mind if you’re tempted to reconcile.


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## Tdbo

Man, it sounds like some trailer somewhere is missing their trash.
File swiftly.
Flush her down!


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## Tdbo

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I didn't even know post-nup was a thing! She was super against pre-nup when I thought that was the norm.


That would buy you some time if you need it.
If she is in dire straits like you think, she might go for it.
Use the time to make your arrangements.
Give her a little slack, do some monitoring.
Without question, she will do it again.
Then, file, use the post nup, and flush.


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## jlg07

The other thing to consider, you need to show your kids what a good relationship is -- it will affect their futures.
You need to show them how to stand up for themselves when they are being mistreated. D with your unrepentant wife will do this.

Also, you should EXPOSE her to your fam/friends or she will re-write you marital history on all of this to make YOU seem like the bad guy.
Is her AP married? Did you get copies of the texts/pics (I hope so). Contact HIS wife/gf and let THEM know what he is up to.
i DO think you should DNA your kids -- it will show her how serious you are about all of this. Even if one or more come back as NOT yours doesn't mean you won't love them. It MAY give you advantages in the divorce though....


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## Marduk

This is one of the rare situations that I would advocate for DNA testing your children, because I think there's a real likelihood that one of them might not be yours.

Regarding your marriage, you have two options:

1. Accepting you are in a one-sided open marriage where she gets to sleep around, and won't ever be honest with you about that.
2. Divorce.

There is no other option that I see. She won't likely stop cheating. Ever. Even if she gets married to someone else after you divorce. She'll likely cheat on him, too. It's who she seems to be.


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## Marc878

As for DNA. Dealing with a known is always better than living with an unknown.


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## Gabriel

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> It's why I'm starting to feel trapped. The kids need care and I don't think I would be able to support them on my own.* I had to quit my job and schooling when my wife had a small breakdown about a year ago (said she hated being home alone with the kids)*. I admit there is a tinge of anger when I think about how i threw my education away to support this woman through college.


What????? Wife couldn't hack caring for the kids, so you quit everything to switch roles? Has she since been making all the money?

Your wife sounds very selfish - does whatever she wants with other men, etc. In your shoes, I'd couch surf before staying married to her.

Start detaching. Research the 180.


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## OutofRetirement

She's been cheating the **** out of you for years. Why do you think only this time she wanted to divorce?


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## Openminded

She’s played you for a long time. The only one who can stop that is _you_.


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## OnTheRocks

So she doesn't know what you know? She probably thinks you think she's doing you a favor by offering to give your marriage another shot. That will make it more difficult to get her to sign a post-nup. If she is reeling from simultaneously being caught and dumped by her bf, better chance at a post nup. Maybe there's a way to create that situation here. 

Need to talk to a lawyer stat. There is a small chance that infidelity can be used to get a more favorable outcome, but only in a handful of States. If that's the case, the lawyer can tell you what kind of proof you need, and how it can be legally/admissibly obtained. What State are you in?


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## mickybill

Why not get a Ancestry.com test for the family, tell her it'll be fun
She threw the DNA test out there as a bluff. Call her on it. She dares you. If nothing else it shows her how little you trust her now. 
There has probably been a series of EA and PA, just like the drunk drives a lot before getting pulled over I bet this is not your wife's 2nd or 3rd rodeo


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## [email protected]

OnTheRocks is right! You need a lawyer right away. You are putting cart before the horse. Don't delay on a the legal advice.


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## Spicy

Heartbreaking for you and your babies. You have gotten great advice. You can have a better life.


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## Buffer

Yep your plan B until she can get a better offer. Sorry to be blunt but she is actively seeking your replacement. 180 and have her served. If you end up with the children you should be entitled to child support from her. 
Buffer


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## sokillme

You didn't do a despicable thing, your wife is a POS divorce her ass and move on. When she comes crying and wanting you back laugh and close the door in her face.

How much better off would you have been if you had dumped her 5 years ago. 

When your partner cheats wipe them away from your life like **** from your shoes. That is all the value they have at that point.


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## OnTheRocks

You seem to have a D, so divorce court will most likely not leave you satisfied. Still need to understand your options.


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## OnTheRocks

Snooping is not despicable. She is supposed to be your life partner. Performing an audit here and there is perfectly reasonable. Your future is in her hands to a large degree, so it's reasonable to expect some transparency. If she doesn't offer transparency, just take it.


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## member2012

Yes, it seems you, or rather, she has a pattern so that means it will repeat. But you don't have to DNA your kids. They are your kids no matter what DNA says. Move in the direction you want to move in. You will get where you need to be. Get help for any anxiety you are having because its the state of anxiety that can keep you stuck. The rest will all fall into place. Such a shame when people have this need for attention that they can't get out of. They cause a lot of damage around them because of it.


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## TDSC60

I was witness to a child almost dying because the doctors did not have the correct medical history (dad was not the bio dad and was not aware). So DNA is also to protect the child as much as for your peace of mind. Also when there is no trust and love between parents, the kids can sense it. Not good for them. Much better for them to be raised by parents who focus on them rather than marital problems even after a divorce.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Sir, I would encourage you to lawyer up. Have her served, and then the status quo moves to your side of the chess board. She is playing you like a violin. I would encourage you as I did with my FWW to use the word “unacceptable” frequently when you speak with her and she tries to justify and blame shift. A trick I learned from my female cousin who is an LCSW and marriage counselor.


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## snerg

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> *I did a despicable thing and snooped on her phone*.


Why is this a despicable thing?
She's your wife.
There. Are. No.Secret.In.Marriage.Ever. (except when getting gifts, but that's not important)

I can't even comment on the rest of what you wrote.
There are simply too many WTFs.

You need to call a lawyer and start the divorce process.
You need to contact a therapist. Find someone that deals with/specializes in infidelity. You need to talk to someone pronto.
You need to reed up on the 180 and start implementing ASAP.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

snerg said:


> Why is this a despicable thing?
> She's your wife.
> There. Are. No.Secret.In.Marriage.Ever. (except when getting gifts, but that's not important)
> 
> I can't even comment on the rest of what you wrote.
> There are simply too many WTFs.
> 
> You need to call a lawyer and start the divorce process.
> You need to contact a therapist. Find someone that deals with/specializes in infidelity. You need to talk to someone pronto.
> You need to reed up on the 180 and start implementing ASAP.


I know that we will need family counseling no matter what the outcome is. Our daughter is just too distraught. I just think it's rather unfair that our daughter has to go through this kind of thing.


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## BluesPower

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I know that we will need family counseling no matter what the outcome is. Our daughter is just too distraught. I just think it's rather unfair that our daughter has to go through this kind of thing.


After all the comments that everyone wrote this is your reply? 

ok...


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## ABHale

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> When I told her I have to question the last 5 years of my life and my son is 3 years old. She didn't like that and was like "get a DNA test if you can't believe he is yours" the way she said it hurt cause i ****ing love these kids, I don't want to doubt them. They are too special to me. More so than she is right now.


Still a good idea to get them tested.


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## jlg07

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I know that we will need family counseling no matter what the outcome is. Our daughter is just too distraught. I just think it's rather unfair that our daughter has to go through this kind of thing.


So, you think it's better to show your daughter how to have a BAD relationship? SHE is going to have this in HER future if you don't stand up for yourself and NOT accept this.s
Counseling is FINE, but YOU need to enforce your boundaries and make sure your wife has consequences for her awful decisions. If you don't your d with think this is normal


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## snerg

jlg07 said:


> So, you think it's better to show your daughter how to have a BAD relationship? *SHE is going to have this in HER future if you don't stand up for yourself and NOT accept this*.s
> Counseling is FINE, but YOU need to enforce your boundaries and make sure your wife has consequences for her awful decisions. If you don't your d with think this is normal


Most don't realize or can't see this because they are attempting to put the fire out with their house while Rome is burning.

Here comes a wall of thought for you OP:

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?
Why allow you children to grow up in this environment?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character 
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
7) Eat.
8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul (Obviously be careful during the age of covid-19)
11) Start to separate funds
12) 180 like your life depended on it.
12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouse simply didn't love you as much as you love them
12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else. The changes will never stick when it's done for someone else. Do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because *YOU *are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children. I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## lucy999

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I just think it's rather unfair that our daughter has to go through this kind of thing.


Of course it is. It's absolutely unfair to her. And to you. And don't you let your serial cheater of a wife let you think for one single second that any of this is your fault. Because it's not. This is ALL on her. If you decide to divorce your cheater wife (and you should!) don't even let her get the words out of her mouth that you're breaking up the family. She is.

1. Lawyer up. Now.
2. DNA your kids. Now. Your lawyer can help with that and ask for the expense to be charged to your cheater wife. Doesn't mean it will be granted, but it can be requested.


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## MattMatt

Marital/family counselling is a good idea. Unless one spouse is a remorseless cheater, then there is little chance of genuine success.


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## mickybill

I think that "snooping" is akin to smelling smoke in your house. You know something is wrong but not sure where or if there's a fire. 
Your gut told you that something was wrong in the M so you went looking for it, and sadly you found it. Maybe you can put out the fire, maybe it'll burn the marriage down.
It was good that you snooped.


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## MMH

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> My wife brought up divorce last Friday without telling me any of the truth. She fed me lies about how she grew attraction to her co worker and was feeling wanderlust. We had deep conversations and she said after a couple of days that she wanted to work on us.
> 
> Some of her actions and words didn't match up and I had the sickening feeling she was already cheating. I did a despicable thing and snooped on her phone. I saw the sort of text they have been sending since last Thursday. Exchanging nudes, creating meetup times for the weekends, scheming how to fake a business trip, oh and also how the friend said he didn't want to date and instead remain friends with benefits on the same day she "wanted to work on us" So she is not genuine. She got rejected by her ****boi and wants to crawl back to me. I want a divorce but we have 2 kids, global pandemic, and low income atm. Hell I wanted to go to counseling at first, she made me feel like it was entirely my fault she wanted a divorce but that wasnt true. Now? I don't want to waste my money on that.
> 
> The kicker is that this isnt the first time. She sexted (no nudes according to her) a mutual friend 5 years ago. Oh and when I confronted her about the texts I got new info on an old cheat. She told me 4 years ago she got a hand job from another friend when at the time (a month after the fact) she told me she only kissed the friend. Like I'm still getting new information of past cheating. I can't trust what she says because she could be just hiding the whole truth and only feeding me what she WANTS me to know. If I didn't snoop she wouldn't have told me anything, her words. They are still texting but she says they arent sexting, like I can even trust that anymore.


That’s super weird....so sorry for you. But if you’re not ok with her behaviors, then the situation is not ok. Express yourself but be prepared. If she’s unwilling to respect you, move on because nothing will change. It will only get worse. I speak from experience...


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## MMH

mickybill said:


> I think that "snooping" is akin to smelling smoke in your house. You know something is wrong but not sure where or if there's a fire.
> Your gut told you that something was wrong in the M so you went looking for it, and sadly you found it. Maybe you can put out the fire, maybe it'll burn the marriage down.
> It was good that you snooped.


Always listen to your inner goddess .... he/she knows the truth


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## alte Dame

I think you need to start playing the long game regarding your marriage. Get off the defensive and make a serious plan. 

Your plan should include talking to an attorney, setting up a timetable for getting back to school, finding some counseling for you and your children, getting tested for STDs, and defining target dates for getting out of infidelity.

Take control of your life. Stop playing catchup with her. She's used to knowing all the details while she keeps you in the dark. It's time for you to have your own plan that she doesn't control.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

I really appreciate all the responses. I'm sorry I haven't been on here in a bit. I'm an absolute mess. Today I blew my top. I have their whole conversation on my phone and I read it again and I just broke. I was screaming and the only thing that grounded me back to reality was the kids crying ;( they don't deserve this.

She's acting remorseful but that's not enough for me. I'm still fuming and trying to collect myself.

I feel stuck. I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. We had always anchored each other as the emotional support, probably why the betrayal hurts so bad.

I called therapists around and there was a few willing to setup phone consultations with me and the kids. I'd prefer to be talking in person but covid and all.(what a great time to cheat btw)



snerg said:


> Here comes a wall of thought for you OP:
> 
> Why stay?
> Why allow them to disrespect you?
> Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
> Why listen to another lie?
> Why allow you children to grow up in this environment?
> 
> 1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character
> 2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
> 3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
> 4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
> 5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
> 6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
> 7) Eat.
> 8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
> 9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
> 10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul (Obviously be careful during the age of covid-19)
> 11) Start to separate funds
> 12) 180 like your life depended on it.
> 12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouse simply didn't love you as much as you love them
> 12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
> 13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
> 14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
> 15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
> 16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you


I have honestly been struggling with this comment for a while.

Why should I stay? I shouldn't. I asked my wife if the roles were reversed what would she do? She said she would kill herself. As if that wasn't the biggest WTF moment. I asked her if our daughter was married to someone who has done what she has what advice would she give. "Dump them and never look back". Somehow her self deprecation makes it harder to hate her. I cut off this mutual friend entirely. Wife says she deactivated her Facebook but it's not like it matters. I told her that I know these friends and they definitely share exploits. For sure her nudes are gonna get passed around. She can damage control all she wants but once they were sent you might as well have posted it to pornhub.

I shouldn't stay. Every fiber of my being is telling me to pack my **** and leave but I just can't. I don't think I will ever love or trust this woman again, that alone should be enough to leave.


----------



## syhoybenden

She has used your trust in her against you more than once.

You would be a fool to place that trust in her once again.

Trust is a foundation stone of a loving long term relationship.

Trying to love her without that trust makes you nothing more than her lap dog. Not her husband.

She likes to pet other dogs too.


----------



## snerg

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I really appreciate all the responses. I'm sorry I haven't been on here in a bit. I'm an absolute mess. Today I blew my top. I have their whole conversation on my phone and I read it again and I just broke. I was screaming and the only thing that grounded me back to reality was the kids crying ;( they don't deserve this.
> 
> She's acting remorseful but that's not enough for me. I'm still fuming and trying to collect myself.
> 
> I feel stuck. I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. We had always anchored each other as the emotional support, probably why the betrayal hurts so bad.
> 
> *I called therapists around and there was a few willing to setup phone consultations with me and the kids*. I'd prefer to be talking in person but covid and all.(what a great time to cheat btw)


You need a therapist for you first. You need to take care of you at this point.
I've seen the example used for plane flights - if masks fall, ensure you put yours on before helping anyone else.
That way you are functional before you go to help others.




WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I have honestly been struggling with this comment for a while.
> 
> Why should I stay? I shouldn't. I asked my wife if the roles were reversed what would she do? She said she would kill herself. As if that wasn't the biggest WTF moment. I asked her if our daughter was married to someone who has done what she has what advice would she give. "Dump them and never look back". Somehow her self deprecation makes it harder to hate her. I cut off this mutual friend entirely. Wife says she deactivated her Facebook but it's not like it matters. I told her that I know these friends and they definitely share exploits. For sure her nudes are gonna get passed around. She can damage control all she wants but once they were sent you might as well have posted it to pornhub.
> 
> I shouldn't stay. *Every fiber of my being is telling me to pack my **** and leave but I just can't*. I don't think I will ever love or trust this woman again, that alone should be enough to leave.


Why?

As you have explained, your wife is a serial cheater.
She can't stop. 
She has proven she won't stop.

That is a fact that you have to come to grips with. 

Why allow yourself to have another DDay?

Fear of the unknown has to be less than the pain you feel by staying with her.

Remember, you're not breaking up your family. She did that with her actions.

This is not a cudgel to beat you with. You need to move at your pace. You need to be comfortable in your forward progress.


----------



## Tdbo

Why should I stay? I shouldn't. I asked my wife if the roles were reversed what would she do? She said she would kill herself. As if that wasn't the biggest WTF moment.* I asked her if our daughter was married to someone who has done what she has what advice would she give. "Dump them and never look back". *Somehow her self deprecation makes it harder to hate her. I cut off this mutual friend entirely. Wife says she deactivated her Facebook but it's not like it matters. I told her that I know these friends and they definitely share exploits. For sure her nudes are gonna get passed around. She can damage control all she wants but once they were sent you might as well have posted it to pornhub.

I shouldn't stay. Every fiber of my being is telling me to pack my **** and leave but I just can't. I don't think I will ever love or trust this woman again, that alone should be enough to leave.

_Follow the advice she would give to her daughter.
Stop worrying about whether or not you are going to stay with her. Not relevant at this juncture._
*The only thing you should worry about is getting yourself out of infidelity.*
_The only definitive way of doing that is through divorce._


----------



## colingrant

> Somehow her self deprecation makes it harder to hate her.


She knows this.


----------



## TDSC60

"She would kill herself", was she suggesting that you should kill yourself?

"Dump them and never look back". Good advise here.

Remember, cheaters lie. Cheaters shift blame. This is not truly self depreciating, she is just spouting what she thinks will make her look better (guilt) but she does not mean any of it. She is messing with your mind. 

Has she actually shown any remorse for what she did? Has she said she is sorry for the pain she has caused? Has she said she will never do it again? 

Has she done anything to help you deal with the sh*t show she has created?


----------



## jlg07

colingrant said:


> She knows this.


Her doing this is emotional manipulation -- she knows that you are susceptible to this and is TRYING to get this reaction from you.


----------



## Marduk

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I shouldn't stay. Every fiber of my being is telling me to pack my **** and leave but I just can't. I don't think I will ever love or trust this woman again, that alone should be enough to leave.


God, I remember those days - it's like a splinter in your mind tearing you apart.

It's called cognitive dissonance. It's what happens when you try to hold two contradictory things as true in your mind, and if you let it continue, it will damage you. 

You know that you should leave. Everybody here thinks you should leave. Do your friends and family think that you should leave? It seems fairly clear to me - and even your wife - that you need to leave.

But you're trying to simultaneously hold onto your marriage (that she destroyed) and that she loves you (she doesn't) and that your role as her husband needs to continue (it doesn't). 

One side is the path of delusion, however good it might temporarily feel. The other side is the path of truth, however painful that might temporarily feel.

I think if you set your intention to leave, it will be hard, and then it will get better. And I think a year or two out, you'll be asking yourself why you didn't leave her sooner.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

TDSC60 said:


> Has she actually shown any remorse for what she did? Has she said she is sorry for the pain she has caused? Has she said she will never do it again?


She said she was sorry, that she just got a wild hair up her ass and was throwing us away for nothing. That "You're the only one who will ever love me anyways and I ruined it". We've had a few spats here or there. She usually shuts down and says she's not allowed to cry since she is the bad guy. Which somehow makes me feel like the bad guy. She said she probably wasn't going to actually go through with it. Remorse is tricky because I don't know if she is remorseful for trying to abandon our marriage or just getting caught doing it.

Even yesterday she admitted that he still messages her but they don't talk in that way anymore, that it's all kinda gone sour for her and she won't message him first or let him thirst. I'm trying to be patient with this but I honestly don't want any contact. Plus what is the point of deactivating your Facebook if you can still use its messenger.

Throughout this whole process I've been trying to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. This girl was my high school sweetheart and is literally the only partner I've ever been with, sexually. For a while I thought that I couldn't live without her. Since all this started I've taken solace in the thought process that if we can't work things out then I am ok with cutting her from my life. That I can live without her. 

Against my better judgement (and the judgement of others) I have decided to stay and work on our marriage. I admit that on my insides I even have that wild hair that wants to go out and party and have casual encounters. It's actually strange saying that nearing my 30's. We settled down really young. So I kind of see where she is coming from, but I do not like how she handled it.


----------



## skerzoid

Okay. Let us know how the rug sweeping is working out.


----------



## Marduk

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> She said she was sorry, that she just got a wild hair up her ass and was throwing us away for nothing. That "You're the only one who will ever love me anyways and I ruined it". We've had a few spats here or there. She usually shuts down and says she's not allowed to cry since she is the bad guy. Which somehow makes me feel like the bad guy.


She's throwing herself a pity party. It doesn't mean you have to attend.



> She said she probably wasn't going to actually go through with it.


Of course she was going to go through with it. Do adults do this kind of thing with no intention to go through with it? Maybe that's what they tell themselves, but it's not what they actually often do. Were they not planning on hooking up?



> Remorse is tricky because I don't know if she is remorseful for trying to abandon our marriage or just getting caught doing it.


She's not remorseful. I'm telling you that right now. It is very abundantly clear to me based on how she's responded to all of this. More to come below.



> Even yesterday she admitted that he still messages her but they don't talk in that way anymore, that it's all kinda gone sour for her and she won't message him first or let him thirst. I'm trying to be patient with this but I honestly don't want any contact. Plus what is the point of deactivating your Facebook if you can still use its messenger.


If she's still in contact with him, the affair is still happening. Full stop. You are still being cheated on right now. It is what is happening.

This means that she isn't remorseful, and means she doesn't actually want to save the marriage to someone that is the 'only one who will ever love her anyway.' In fact, your answer to that should she say something like that again - "If you actually felt that way, it wouldn't be a fight to get you to stop talking to him. You should just want to do it.'



> Throughout this whole process I've been trying to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. This girl was my high school sweetheart and is literally the only partner I've ever been with, sexually. For a while I thought that I couldn't live without her. Since all this started I've taken solace in the thought process that if we can't work things out then I am ok with cutting her from my life. That I can live without her.


That makes it hard. My ex was the 'The One.' What I had to learn is that there is no 'The One.'



> Against my better judgement (and the judgement of others) I have decided to stay and work on our marriage. I admit that on my insides I even have that wild hair that wants to go out and party and have casual encounters. It's actually strange saying that nearing my 30's. We settled down really young. So I kind of see where she is coming from, but I do not like how she handled it.


At the _very least_ you should insist on the following as conditions to attempt to reconcile:

Absolutely no contact with him ever again. She should send him a no contact letter that you help write and you should watch her send it. If she does get in contact with him or responds to him again, she should know that means an immediate end to your attempt to reconcile and you move immediately to divorce. Draft an agreement up to this and have her sign it. It won't mean anything legally, but it should clarify things.
She gives you all passwords and access to all accounts. If she doesn't, or deletes anything, you divorce and she agrees to that.
She leaves the bedroom and sleeps in another room until this is all sorted out. You do not assume normal marital relations. She acts like a remorseful spouse and demonstrates that she has the potential to be trusted again, and you act like a newly single spouse that really has no reason to stay in this marriage. Be gone a lot. Don't answer a lot of questions about what you're up to. Don't date - but act single in every other way. Because you kind of really are.
You both get STD tested. Even if you don't think there's a risk. Do it, and make her do it as a condition of attempting to reconcile.
Do not commit to _actually_ reconciling. She'll likely be asking for a guarantee for her to even try. Don't give her one.


----------



## MattMatt

She must be 100% no contact with him.


----------



## Buffer

Please, to help you as others have advised. She should not have ant contact with the dude. Hard NC. She doesn’t need any thing from him. He is no friend to you or your marriag. If she breaks no contact deliberately then D.
One day at a time
Buffer


----------



## Marc878

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> She said she was sorry, that she just got a wild hair up her ass and was throwing us away for nothing. That "You're the only one who will ever love me anyways and I ruined it". We've had a few spats here or there. She usually shuts down and says she's not allowed to cry since she is the bad guy. Which somehow makes me feel like the bad guy. She said she probably wasn't going to actually go through with it. Remorse is tricky because I don't know if she is remorseful for trying to abandon our marriage or just getting caught doing it.
> 
> *Even yesterday she admitted that he still messages her but they don't talk in that way anymore, that it's all kinda gone sour for her and she won't message him first or let him thirst. I'm trying to be patient with this but I honestly don't want any contact. Plus what is the point of deactivating your Facebook if you can still use its messenger.*
> 
> Throughout this whole process I've been trying to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. This girl was my high school sweetheart and is literally the only partner I've ever been with, sexually. For a while I thought that I couldn't live without her. Since all this started I've taken solace in the thought process that if we can't work things out then I am ok with cutting her from my life. That I can live without her.
> 
> Against my better judgement (and the judgement of others) I have decided to stay and work on our marriage. I admit that on my insides I even have that wild hair that wants to go out and party and have casual encounters. It's actually strange saying that nearing my 30's. We settled down really young. So I kind of see where she is coming from, but I do not like how she handled it.


Good god almighty. If they have any contact the affair will continue.
Shes sorry? Nope just sorry she got caught.

At this time *YOU* are keeping yourself in this. Why?


----------



## ABHale

Tell her to leave if she can’t stop contact.

Or just drop her off at his house with her things. Tell the POS that she is all his.

There will be no working it out if your cheating wife still has contact with the POSOM.

If she is really remorseful, why is she still in contact with the POSOM.


----------



## TDSC60

Since he is a coworker, the affair will continue if she still works with him. They don't have to communicate with Facebook or phones if they can see each other in person. If she continues to work with him, that business trip together they were arranging WILL happen eventually.


----------



## Gabriel

This is doomed for failure. You need to cut her loose. Start detaching emotionally from her. Get cold, right now. You will never ever trust her again, you will never make love to her without thinking about this other guy.

It's over. You need to get that through your head. You cannot recover from this level of betrayal.

You are in your late 20s with TONS of time ahead of you. You WILL find another woman, and she will be a better person. I know so many people who have upgraded in their 30s after this kind of thing. Having a kid might actually help you - women love that.

GET OUT


----------



## colingrant

> She has said to the counsellor that she wants to make things work


People want things to work, when these "things" are working well and benefit them. If I'm a wayward wife, you're an ideal husband. I would greatly value your patience, because that works for me and not against me. 

What works against me, are boundaries that are enforced vigorously and I have zero chances of screwing up. What would work for me are boundaries that are present, but unenforced or marginally enforced and where reconciliation is a high probability even when I violate them. 

I would be ecstatic to stay in the same home, bed and return to status quo. That would work for me too if I was a wayward wife/husband. When I was a kid, I loved going to my grandmother's house. I knew I could get away with stuff. 

My grandmother, used to tell my mom, I wanted to stay with her a lot because I loved her. I loved my grandmother, but that wasn't why I wanted to stay with her. I stayed with her because she would let me stay up late, eat snacks before dinner and didn't care if I ate with my elbows on the table. 

Plus, I could drink soda out of a bottle like my uncles did. I couldn't do any of that stuff at home. In high school, if I walked in class and saw a substitute teacher, I was ecstatic, because they vaguely even knew the protocols, let alone enforcing them. 

First thing I would do is ask if I could use the restroom. Well, I would go to the restroom, but I would go to the one 3 floors up and on the far side of the building. Would take up to 10 minutes, which meant I missed 25% of classroom time. I'm good!!

So, her wanting to stay in your bed, saying she loves you, etc., could be because she believes you're ideal for her so she won't have to be accountable for her actions and have to do the hard work.


----------



## Openminded

She has regret she was caught. That’s not the same as remorse.


----------



## MrQuatto

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Against my better judgement (and the judgement of others) I have decided to stay and work on our marriage.


Then there really isn’t anything left to discuss. She cheated and YOU are working on the marriage. That’s how it will be from now on, YOU working on the marriage.

My only advice is, don’t fool yourself into thinking your kids won’t notice a loveless marriage. Parents set the foundation their children will build their own relationships on. Think about the foundation that has been built so far and where it goes from here. That’s what the kids learn from.

Q~


----------



## lucy999

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> "You're the only one who will ever love me anyways and I ruined it".


This really says it all to me. It's all about her. Why didn't she say, but I love you! I want to help you heal! I want to be a family again and I'll do the hard work to enable you to trust me again! Did she say anything remotely like this?

She's put herself firmly in the Victim Chair and you took the bait. 

You are SO young! You could start anew with someone who is trustworthy. Who cares if your wife is your childhood sweetheart? She doesn't care,obviously. Why should you?

I realize you've decided to reconcile. But you need to know that there should be ZERO communication between her and the OM. That she's still communicating with him (the affair is still at full throttle-you do know this, right?) is a big **** you straight to your face.

You are rugsweeping with the biggest of brooms. I wish you luck.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

As others have mentioned, I expressed that there will be NC and if she does that is a clear indication of her choice.

I asked her why she hasn't cut him off entirely from the start. She took a while to respond but she said she realizes she might've been keeping him as a backup since this is the first time she felt for sure I was going to leave her. I didn't want to have to make it into an ultimatum but I did. I told her to tell him that she is married and this needs to stop now. I am helping her compose a message today, as suggested here.

Their affair never made it to the physical part, I intervened rather early into this. This might be the driving reason as to why I am reconciling. It's been a rollercoaster here but we have been talking and communicating more. 

She has therapy on the 21st. I look forward to it actually. If she let's me I can sit in with her.


----------



## BluesPower

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> As others have mentioned, I expressed that there will be NC and if she does that is a clear indication of her choice.
> 
> I asked her why she hasn't cut him off entirely from the start. She took a while to respond but she said she realizes she might've been keeping him as a backup since this is the first time she felt for sure I was going to leave her. I didn't want to have to make it into an ultimatum but I did. I told her to tell him that she is married and this needs to stop now. I am helping her compose a message today, as suggested here.
> 
> Their affair never made it to the physical part, I intervened rather early into this. This might be the driving reason as to why I am reconciling. It's been a rollercoaster here but we have been talking and communicating more.
> 
> She has therapy on the 21st. I look forward to it actually. If she let's me I can sit in with her.


Several things you do not know or understand: 

1) YOU are the backup plan. You need to understand that. 
2) You have no idea if they or her and someone else have been screwing. You just have no idea.
3) You have no idea that you are, have been and will be...Being PLAYED.... like a fiddle....

I hope you wake up...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

*"If she let's me?" *

Regarding going to her first counseling session, your statement on attending at least the first with her.

She's still controlling the situation as you can see.

Guaranteed the counselor won't get all the story or all the truth of what's happened (that you know of).

Not


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

I understand that everyone sees this for how I presented it but I believe I came on this site with heightened emotions and an incredible bias. 

When I came to this place I had already decided I wanted out. This was me venting to strangers since I didn't want to make a mess with family/friends. I've since calmed down, as a lot of irl events have happened. 



BluesPower said:


> Several things you do not know or understand:
> 
> 1) YOU are the backup plan. You need to understand that.
> 2) You have no idea if they or her and someone else have been screwing. You just have no idea.
> 3) You have no idea that you are, have been and will be...Being PLAYED.... like a fiddle....
> 
> I hope you wake up...


There is no way she could've been physically meeting up with this AP. She didn't first message him until Wednesday before all this blew up.(still only took 1 day before getting **** pics ffs)

A side note: before covid changed things up my nephew and his wife worked with my wife so any business trip she attended they attended as well. Only did covid bring up these opportunities and she never did a single business trip.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

I truly hope your right, and nothing physical happened, and hope the best for you.

That said just be sure and have your eyes fully open and know there's almost always more than is discovered and then told about.


----------



## BluesPower

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I understand that everyone sees this for how I presented it but I believe I came on this site with heightened emotions and an incredible bias.
> 
> When I came to this place I had already decided I wanted out. This was me venting to strangers since I didn't want to make a mess with family/friends. I've since calmed down, as a lot of irl events have happened.
> 
> There is no way she could've been physically meeting up with this AP. She didn't first message him until Wednesday before all this blew up.(still only took 1 day before getting **** pics ffs)
> 
> A side note: before covid changed things up my nephew and his wife worked with my wife so any business trip she attended they attended as well. Only did covid bring up these opportunities and she never did a single business trip.


Dude, who says It is him??? 

You came on here telling it like it was, but now you want to roll it back????? 

You need to wake up... HOW far from pics and sexting do you think meeting up with a guy and screwing is?


----------



## BioFury

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> She said she was sorry, that she just got a wild hair up her ass and was throwing us away for nothing. That "You're the only one who will ever love me anyways and I ruined it". We've had a few spats here or there. She usually shuts down and says she's not allowed to cry since she is the bad guy. Which somehow makes me feel like the bad guy. She said she probably wasn't going to actually go through with it. Remorse is tricky because I don't know if she is remorseful for trying to abandon our marriage or just getting caught doing it.
> 
> Even yesterday she admitted that he still messages her but they don't talk in that way anymore, that it's all kinda gone sour for her and she won't message him first or let him thirst. I'm trying to be patient with this but I honestly don't want any contact. Plus what is the point of deactivating your Facebook if you can still use its messenger.
> 
> Throughout this whole process I've been trying to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. This girl was my high school sweetheart and is literally the only partner I've ever been with, sexually. For a while I thought that I couldn't live without her. Since all this started I've taken solace in the thought process that if we can't work things out then I am ok with cutting her from my life. That I can live without her.
> 
> Against my better judgement (and the judgement of others) I have decided to stay and work on our marriage. I admit that on my insides I even have that wild hair that wants to go out and party and have casual encounters. It's actually strange saying that nearing my 30's. We settled down really young. So I kind of see where she is coming from, but I do not like how she handled it.


Dude, this is the second time this has happened. Once? Far from ok, but people make mistakes. Giving another chance could be argued. Twice? Do you not see that this is becoming a pattern?

She did it once, and presumably said sorry and all that. It now happens again, and she doesn't even have the presence of mind to snap out of it. As in "Don't do this" or even "Holy muffins, I'm doing it again! Stop and tell everything to WDITSH!". Heck dude, even after you've caught her, she's still maintaining contact with this guy.

If she was remorseful and committed, she would have come to her senses the moment you found out (at the very latest), and done everything in her power to save the relationship. She's not doing that. She said it herself, she had her foot halfway out the door because you're replaceable, and she didn't want to be left in the breeze if you decided to leave her.



WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I understand that everyone sees this for how I presented it but I believe I came on this site with heightened emotions and an incredible bias.
> 
> When I came to this place I had already decided I wanted out. This was me venting to strangers since I didn't want to make a mess with family/friends. I've since calmed down, as a lot of irl events have happened.
> 
> There is no way she could've been physically meeting up with this AP. She didn't first message him until Wednesday before all this blew up.(still only took 1 day before getting **** pics ffs)
> 
> A side note: before covid changed things up my nephew and his wife worked with my wife so any business trip she attended they attended as well. Only did covid bring up these opportunities and she never did a single business trip.


Did your nephew and wife stay in the same hotel room as her? Keep her in sight at all times? If not, I think you're being naive. Going on the same business trip doesn't mean you're in each others presence 24/7. On any typical business trip, there are plenty of opportunities for one to meet and interact with other people without a travel-partners knowledge.


----------



## Buffer

You doing ok brother?
Buffer


----------



## lovelygirl

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> She said .... that "You're the only one who will ever love me anyways and I ruined it".
> 
> 
> This girl was my high school sweetheart and is literally the only partner I've ever been with, sexually. For a while I thought that I couldn't live without her.


These two sentences make up the core problem - * for both of you* : hers for cheating (not justifying) and yours for not being able to divorce her.

She has insecurity issues and she was seeking approval outside the marriage. She wanted to assure herself if she's still worth it and if anyone else (other than you) would "notice" her.

You, on the other hand, have codependent issues as you can't think clearly (or at least you're not strong enough to take a firm decision) to imagine a life without her. 

( I assume ) you both haven't really dated anyone else_ long enough _to realize that life goes on (and it might be even better) without each other in it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Meh.... She doesn’t have issues of insecurity. Sorry, that’s a cop out to me like “boys will be boys.”

She likes the power she has over this guy.


----------



## lovelygirl

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Meh.... She doesn’t have issues of insecurity. Sorry, that’s a cop out to me like “boys will be boys.”
> 
> She likes the power she has over this guy.


Liking or getting excited by the power you (think ) you might have over someone, IS a sign of insecurity.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

lovelygirl said:


> Liking or getting excited by the power you (think ) you might have over someone, IS a sign of insecurity.


 It is a sign of MANY things not just insecurity.

He has capitulated many times so, gave up his job for her, is a stay at home dad and will work on the marriage. She isis secure in the fact she can do what she wants with zero repercussions. Her reluctance to change, the unequal marriage dynamics, the multiple affairs, the multiple lies, the controlled truths and getting him to be completely dependent on her all scream self confidence and power to me.

So, we disagree.


----------



## [email protected]

Oh no! It's physical.


----------



## Sparta

another nice guy bites the dust... oh poor guy he is just getting schooled at home from his piece of **** wife. She has been running him ragged and she’s got full control. let me tell you something the way she’s acting this is not her first rodeo nor her last, because she knows that you do not have a back bone whatsoever to do the right thing for yourself. 

you want to believe that she has not been physical with this guy.? don’t worry about that she has with many guys. And I know you can say oh you don’t know her oh yes I do. there’s nothing special about her she’s one of many POS women out there. you’ll either be back letting us know how she just couldn’t hold up her end of the bargain. Or you’ll be too embarrassed to you but please don’t be embarrassed there’s many of you on here.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

Ouch a lot of these replies hurt (truth hurts right?).

Uhm we actually are doing a bit better. I say that despite today being a HUGE ****show. I snooped on her messenger (He's still there but no messages between the two) I looked at all of her conversations and I opened up a new wound. She had vented, while cheating, to her close friend about how the relationship is so bad and that I'm abusive and what not. TOTAL CROCK OF ****. She was setting me up to be the bad guy so she wouldn't feel bad for cheating, she was just "Blowing hot air out my ass" (her ****ing words). Eventually she even told this friend that I caught her cheating and her friends response? "oof thats rough" then they drop that convo and talk about drawing. I was blown away that her friend (I've known her just as long as my wife, I even consider her my friend) would just let it slide that cheating took place. No discussion, just total rug sweeping. So I got my reputation dragged through the mud between her friends and her AP (and probably his friends) that I was abusive. I'm definitely on rage mode today, and I feel fresh hurt. DEPSITE ALL THAT ****: We have been doing a lot better with reconciliation. There is a lot more open communication going on. I still have a huge lack of trust for her (that's why I snoop I guess). It's definitely a long road and we just took a few steps back. So I gotta collect my thoughts.

I completely understand the viewpoint that I have no reason to stay in this marriage. Some of the things she vented to her friend like "I wish he'd just let me be free" really stick out in my mind. Once she is home we are gonna have to hash all this out. (we've been texting today but it's not the same)



lovelygirl said:


> ( I assume ) you both haven't really dated anyone else_ long enough _to realize that life goes on (and it might be even better) without each other in it.


I said to her: Maybe two people can love each other and want to be with each other but are still too toxic to stay together.
But yeah. She has only had a past partner and a rapist. Other than that I am her first long term relationship and she is my first relationship at all.

Again for all the doubters: It never got physical, she doesn't know where he lives other than he lives about 1 1/2 hours away (because I know that). He works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week. They have a small window to do anything and that time never came up since I caught her rather quickly. It was just easier to sext for them. (Not saying she wouldn't have met up, she definitely tried. What a thirsty ***)

So I guess for all the popcorn eaters watching my life burn up in flames this update is for you.

EDIT: OOO right as I was about to try to log off her facebook from the tablet (I wanted to distance myself from reading past messages) SHE GETS A MESSAGE FROM THE AP. The ****show thickens today...
Update: She texted me that he reached out to her, either its cause she knows I have access or she is being honest. I guess props for telling me at least?
Final update: she is on the fence about reconciliation. I suspect because of the AP. Welp.


----------



## Openminded

You’ll never again trust her the way you once did. Or at least you shouldn’t. The roller coaster ride goes on for several years (at minimum). Be prepared.


----------



## ConanHub

Are you for real?

I guess you must be because I have seen older versions of you on this site before. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that guys like you exist!

I have no advice for you because you are so different from me that you might as well be an alien.

There are real women out there who are grown and know who their damn husband is but I guess men like me marry them and men like you marry the leftovers?

What exactly is redeeming about this person you are married to?

My words are honest if hard.

What the hell are you doing with her?

Whatever it is, it isn't anything I recognize as a marriage.

Not that it matters but WHY THE HELL HASN'T SHE BLOCKED HIM IF SHE IS TRYING TO RECONCILE WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!??!?

You need to stick a fork in this fiasco and grow up a bit and then invest in a grown ass woman....


----------



## Kamstel2

honest question:
What will it take her doing for you to say that THAT is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

good luck
Stay strong


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

ConanHub said:


> Are you for real?
> 
> I guess you must be because I have seen older versions of you on this site before. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that guys like you exist!
> 
> I have no advice for you because you are so different from me that you might as well be an alien.
> 
> There are real women out there who are grown and know who their damn husband is but I guess men like me marry them and men like you marry the leftovers?
> 
> What exactly is redeeming about this person you are married to?
> 
> My words are honest if hard.
> 
> What the hell are you doing with her?
> 
> Whatever it is, it isn't anything I recognize as a marriage.
> 
> Not that it matters but WHY THE HELL HASN'T SHE BLOCKED HIM IF SHE IS TRYING TO RECONCILE WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!??!?
> 
> You need to stick a fork in this fiasco and grow up a bit and then invest in a grown ass woman....


She once said to me today "I feel like I have Stockholm'd you" and that she thinks she needs to let me be free now.

Idk what's wrong with me I'm an absolute wreck and I can't process this. I guess I somehow blame myself for everything as if I cheated, even though I've not so much as even had the thought cross my mind.

I like honesty and it took till 2am but she admitted that she wants to go out and have her fun then have me to come home to. I don't know what to think. I know she is wired differently, so maybe it's possible she just wants to be wild then come home to me.

Times are weird, covid19 and infidelity. I think I'm gonna call the therapist tomorrow. I can't even process what I'm thinking about anymore. Incoherent ramblings at 3 in the morning. FML

What's so redeeming of her? I'm gonna sleep on that one and get back to you.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

Kamstel2 said:


> honest question:
> What will it take her doing for you to say that THAT is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?
> 
> good luck
> Stay strong


It's too hard to imagine.


----------



## Blondilocks

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I like honesty and it took till 2am but she admitted that she wants to go out and have her fun then have me to come home to. I don't know what to think. I know she is wired differently, *so maybe it's possible she just wants to be wild then come home to me.*


She flat out told you that's what she wants. Believe her. 

I'll tell you what to think: she's a selfish, immature, piss-poor excuse for a wife. She doesn't even want to be a wife. She wants to play at being married. You're nothing but an appliance to her. Are you getting the drift? 

You need to stop trying full stop. At this point, you're just enabling her.


----------



## syhoybenden

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Uhm we actually are doing a bit better.


Sorry, but ...
NO. You are not.

Quick. Take your last breath now.
The quicksand is about to cover your face.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

syhoybenden said:


> Sorry, but ...
> NO. You are not.
> 
> Quick. Take your last breath now.
> The quicksand is about to cover your face.


Haha. I just woke up from a dream and I couldn't breath. Wild coincidence.



Blondilocks said:


> She flat out told you that's what she wants. Believe her.
> 
> I'll tell you what to think: she's a selfish, immature, piss-poor excuse for a wife. She doesn't even want to be a wife. She wants to play at being married. You're nothing but an appliance to her. Are you getting the drift?
> 
> You need to stop trying full stop. At this point, you're just enabling her.


What if it's easier to let go of the marriage if I just let her... sorry working off of 1 hour of sleep.


----------



## Buffer

File D and have her served. She wants out but is too scared to pull that pin. 
Hence the total dis respect towards you, family and your feelings. 
One day at a time
Buffer


----------



## Yeswecan

Eject.


----------



## Blondilocks

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Haha. I just woke up from a dream and I couldn't breath. Wild coincidence.
> 
> 
> 
> What if it's easier to let go of the marriage if I just let her... sorry working off of 1 hour of sleep.


So, you're saying that you haven't suffered enough, yet - eh? What would it take - a ballpeen hammer to your nuts, making you sleep on the sofa so she can screw the man of the hour in your bed, have you video record her screwing other men? What would it take for you to find your self-respect?


----------



## jlg07

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I like honesty and it took till 2am but she admitted that she wants to go out and have her fun then have me to come home to


WHY aren't you listening to what SHE SAID. You CANNOT fix a marriage that is one-sided. She wants to go out, party, and bang other guys, and just leave YOU sitting at home waiting for her to come home? 
WHY are you not COMPLETELY PISSED OFF? WHY are you tolerating this level of disrespect?
Does her next step have to be that she will go out, and then bring another guy HOME to bang while you are there?

What is going to get you to at least LOOK IN to the process of Divorce. She's gone, you are NOT going to fix this, unless you just want to sit around and be her ATM and buddy while she's out getting laid.

EDIT: I went back and re-read this, and I don't want you to think I am being harsh here -- look I am NOT angry at YOU, I am angry FOR you that she is doing this to you. I hope YOU can find your anger to get yourself out of this situation.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

jlg07 said:


> She's gone, you are NOT going to fix this, unless you just want to sit around and be her ATM and buddy while she's out getting laid.


Man you have no idea. More **** hit the fan. I am such a chump and a weak person. She asked me permission to go over to his house this weekend. At first I was feeling so much negative and now I can't feel anything at all. I probably won't be on this site in a while since I have a lot of **** to do irl now.

FML


----------



## Evinrude58

I’m very sorry. Nothing to do but divorce her. Hope you make it through as thousands of men and women have done. But I know how hard it is and how badly you feel.
I hope you’re seeing a lawyer, exercising, getting started with your new life which looks terribly now, but I assure you it won’t be that bad and will likely be a helluva lot better than living with the beast you’re with now.

Asked you if she could go screw him? Please tell me you said yes, right after you pack her **** in her car. And I hope you told her it was getting packed at this point whether she went to see him or not.
Geez, she must really be feeling giddy over the power she has over you. 
gotta get her gone.


----------



## Openminded

Yes, you’ve been a very weak person. That’s obvious. But you can start to fix that _today_.


----------



## ConanHub

Hand her a sign with $2 written on it and tell her to hang it off her ass.


----------



## jlg07

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Man you have no idea. More *** hit the fan. I am such a chump and a weak person. She asked me permission to go over to his house this weekend. At first I was feeling so much negative and now I can't feel anything at all. I probably won't be on this site in a while since I have a lot of *** to do irl now.
> 
> FML


I am SO sorry -- but use this now to spur you into doing what you need to do for YOU. F her and the horse she rode in on, ya know? Tell her that you are done with her, and she should just leave the house and stay with her POSOM. Tell her to pack her stuff and leave and DON'T bother to come back.


----------



## Sparta

Dude what the **** and I like how you don’t tell us what she did. How can you be so weak I just can’t fathom that. You should file for divorce and then go somewhere where they teach you how to be a man, because you did not act like one or even came close to resembling one whatsoever in this marriage of yours.


----------



## Spicy

She is your first and only love. That is a big part of why this is so hard. I am truly sorry that you are in this situation, and for the undoubtably huge amount of anguish you are suffering. 

The road is going to be rough, but we can try to help you navigate it. 

You must let her go, unless you want an open marriage. There is a great woman out there who will love you and give you her loyalty, and be thrilled to accept yours.

Warm cyber hugs from me.


----------



## sunsetmist

How do you feel about yourself right now? What would make you feel better? Is there a valid reason you punish yourself and do not take care of you?

Could you treat someone you care about like she treats you? If you care about her--and yourself too----surely you can find the energy to let go. Just because your marriage has failed, does not mean you are a failure unless you choose to be. Take a deep breath and surprise everyone--even yourself.


----------



## Kamstel2

We all realize that you are in severe pain and currently living in Hell. But what you need to know is that you can leave Hell and begin to lessen the pain any time YOU decide to.

I promise the pain gets less and less, and one day, one great day, you will be shocked when you realize you didn’t think about her at all for the entire day


----------



## Kamstel2

Get angry and use that anger!!!


----------



## Buffer

Yep angry 😡 she can move out and do what she wants. Mate she is so broken it isn’t funny. Do disrespectful to you and your feelings. 
Asking to go over there.


----------



## ABHale

The problem is that they are teaching boys to be weak in school now a days. They are learning this there.
I have taught my boys to be boys. I contradicted what they were told in school. There is a book called “Dangerous Book for Boys”, it is a great book.

I also taught my boys to respect girls. Interviewing Your Daughters’s Date helped with that part.

These men are just a product of society today.

I remember seeing in the news years ago schools forcing boys to sit and pee, just because girls couldn’t stand and do it.


----------



## skerzoid

Okay then. She asked your permission to go see her lover-to-be and you said.....? Did she go? 

Dude, are you for real? We get folks on here that like to make up stories to rattle our cages. We call them trolls. They like to pretend to be weak souls who can't pull the trigger on their despicable partners. 

I'm going to treat you as a real live person and take my time to give you advise (even though you have gone out of your way to ignore everything you have been told so far).

Here goes:


*Contact a lawyer.* Find out the things that will occur in a divorce. You should have her served, but the hopium that you are addicted to will probably prevent that. Divorce is a long process and can be halted if she gets her head out of her behind. 
*Start practicing the 180 technique religiously.* Google "the 180 technique for hurt spouses". This is to help you distance yourself from her. 
*Stop trying to reason with her.* She is "unreasonable". You keep trying to knock sense into her. She isn't "sensible".
*Start getting your ducks in order for a separation.* Start separating all finances, insurance, bills, etc. You have to be realistic. She is as toxic as antifreeze in your orange juice. Start seeing the reality in your situation. 
*Do not have sex with her.* If she has been with him, she may be diseased. They very rarely use protection. This is why we don't use prostitutes. Sounds like she doesn't believe in social distancing.  If this comes to court and you have sex after learning of her cheating, it will be viewed as forgiveness by a judge.
*Do you remember what the Romans used to say to each other in the movie "Gladiator"?*


> Strength and Honor!


 You need to show this. So far you haven't. Sorry to be blunt, but you need some truth, that is, if you are a real person asking for advice.


----------



## Evinrude58

Sparta said:


> Dude what the **** and I like how you don’t tell us what she did. How can you be so weak I just can’t fathom that. You should file for divorce and then go somewhere where they teach you how to be a man, because you did not act like one or even came close to resembling one whatsoever in this marriage of yours.


Did you forget what kind of pain you were in when this happened to you? How helpless and destroyed to felt?
Cut the guy some slack. 
He’s hurting.
Too much truth at once can be too much to swallow.


----------



## bandit.45

The only person who can stop this nonsense is you.


----------



## lucy999

Let her go.


----------



## MattMatt

Yeah. Having been in a similar situation to the OP many years ago, I know how dreadful this makes you feel. Like your chest has been replaced with a giant block of stone.

Very few posts on TAM trigger me, but this is one of them.

@WhyDoITrySoHard is it possible that your wife is mentally ill? Because I can't think a truly sane person would act in the way she is acting.


----------



## Gabriel

It's hard to think clearly because she's been your only lover. But, dude. This has now become abusive. 

She has been sexting this guy this whole time, and now she wants to go over there and bang him.

Tell her to go, and right when she leaves the neighborhood, put all her stuff in garbage bags, put them on the front porch and lawn or whatever. Change the locks. She can come back and get all her crap when she's done having sex with him.


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

I wish I was a troll. I wish it was all just made up stories. But it's not. Just a dude who's life is on fire and I'm watching it go down. Seriously I might be mentally ill.

Oh guys it's been so totally ****ed here. I don't even feel comfortable letting you know but since so many of the popcorn eaters want answers I'll give you this update.

She asked for permission. Just hearing it made me want to flee. I fled to here, to reddit, my journal, anywhere but reality. I tried to process it all and I couldn't. I shut down emotionally, no longer feeling anything even the hurt that was so constant just faded to nothing. I said yes. Something like "Just get it out of her system" played in my head. That and "we are young so might as well be wild" or, as foolish as it sounds, "She'll come back so it's ok".

Like I know I'm not doing anything right. I read every comment and gave them all thought. I still ended up just doing things in my own unhealthy way. I wanted out but then I wanted to stay and then it became a feeling of I have to stay no matter what. I might as well be blind and deaf with how little I have followed the advice given, sorry guys.

Saturday was the day. He lives an hour n half away and the meetup time was 4pm. For some god damn reason SHE was a nervous wreck. Gets what she wants and throws on water works and I ended up comforting her. Remind her she doesn't have to. But she still left. I kept myself busy with the kids and chores. I still didn't have any feelings, it was so strange. The last 'text' was a snap from inside her car that she arrived. From my point of view time slowed to a goddamn crawl. But still I felt nothing. I gave her a curfew of before midnight. Reminding her that she has children too. Well let's skip to when she gets home, 30 minutes before curfew. She walks through the door and I greeted her with positivity, though I didn't feel that. I had her sit down and made her a quick snack. She explained everything from the moment she arrived but I'll spare some details. They hung out and watched a funny movie on Netflix. Then came the cliche 20 minutes in "look" and of course started to get heated. Took it back to the bedroom and the rest is history. Following that they cozied up and watched another movie. Said they used protection and I believe her. She describes a pretty normal encounter and for some reason out of all the emotions I could've felt it was relief that hit me.

Isn't that messed up? After hearing the encounter I was relieved. It's been weird. I seeked help from the corners of the internet in very strange places. Thought maybe I wasn't as monogamous as I thought. I don't know. When I first got asked permission I was looking at divorce lawyers, therapy, even work out regimes. I browsed schooling options, I looked into employments, I was trying to find cheap apartments, I basically planned for separation. After the fact it was like it didn't matter anymore. I talked with a counselor and now I have my first appointment this coming Monday, I've actually lost a lot of weight since this thread began (I'm finally under 180! My target is 163) so working out has been feeling good. I'm making better home cooked meals and just all around seem to be on a healthy track. Just not relationship wise. I'm hoping therapy can knock something loose in me, whatever it is that keeps me in this toxic "marriage". It's like when I'm around her I feel good and when she is gone I feel like ****. Oh yeah, feelings trickled back in and I was my good ol panic attack having self.

No idea what I'm going to do with our marriage. I told my wife that the door is available to both of us, I'm not trapped here the same as she isn't either, though I didn't believe that myself. I thought about finding my own booty call to see how she'd feel but part of me just doesn't want to "stoop to her level".

So that's the gist of it. Oh wait let me rewind. This dude doesn't know that I know whats going on. I felt like that wasn't right. Last night I sent a Facebook PM to him basically telling him I know whats going on. My wife actually saw me start this and tried to help me compose a text that wasn't filled with rage, probably an attempt to not scare off her fling. Don't know when or if he'll read it, kinda hope it makes this whole thing lose its passion because of it. No more secrets meant it wasn't forbidden fruit but instead boring overweight fruit.

I know what you guys are going to say... I know it all deep down, it hurts to even make this comment. I just take smaller steps than most and I feel like I can get out of this toxicity by doing it in my slow way. I just want to be financially independent and mentally sound before I do anything. Again, sorry for basically disregarding what hundreds of people tell me.

I feel very alone in all this. This kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I have no close friends. I have no one to confide in or even talk to on a regular basis. So that's another thing I'm working on, making friends.

Ugh I'm gonna regret this comment. But here you go.

"She is as toxic as antifreeze in your orange juice."

Oh and I'm stealing this saying from now on. It's so true.


----------



## Openminded

I think you’ll stay and she’ll continue because … why not.


----------



## Blondilocks

You volunteered to be cuckholded, made her a snack after her strenuous exercise and listened to her recount her rendezvous. You're getting something out of this. If that's your bag, fine. Just don't pretend that you're heartbroken. Because no one is as inept as you like to portray yourself.


----------



## Openminded

Blondilocks said:


> You volunteered to be cuckholded, made her a snack after her strenuous exercise and listened to her recount her rendezvous. You're getting something out of this. If that's your bag, fine. Just don't pretend that you're heartbroken. Because no one is as inept as you like to portray yourself.


I couldn’t agree more.


----------



## Oldtimer

I don’t know man! I agree with Gabriel and Blondilocks. After reading your last post, cuckold comes to mind. Why? You let your wife go bang her lover and then you coddle her with a snack, listen to the blow by blow replay, then ask if it’s messed up but you’re relieved. WOW, just WOW. Question is why are you here? Is it to have the good people at TAM tell you that what’s been done is ok? My guts are tripping and 1) she’s not my wife and, 2) I don’t know either of you. But man my heart goes out to your kids.


----------



## Rob_1

Your actions are nothing but that of a man that has lost his manhood and is so afraid as to act so cowardly against your own inner self, your core as a man built by thousand of years of evolution. You are not even seeing the long tern consequences of the disrespect you let yourself in. She just no longer sees you as a real man. Continue paralyzed in your own fears and pretty soon you'll see a series of second daddies to your kids coming in and out of their life. You will be teaching your kids that it is OK to be a cuckold.Is that what you want?


----------



## WhyDoITrySoHard

Not a cuckold, sling the **** you want but it's not gonna stick. That's a fetish and it involves arousal of some sort.

Ultimately my long term goal is separation. I need to secure myself before I can secure my future, not everyone has options to leave.

Yeah, I made snacks because I've read that it has calming effects when having stressful talks. I think it worked for me. 

I first came to TAM through hurt and heartbreak. I was met with a lot of harsh truths that I wasn't ready to accept. I've done so much irl talking with my wife and self reflection that I couldn't translate a play by play to this place. I really want to delete this. I know what I'm going to do, I have a plan for the future. I only gave this update because of the comments asking for details. Otherwise I wouldn't have come back. My life is ****ed up, I am ****ed up, and I'm just trying to get by. The kid's think we are all better and maybe when they grow up a bit they can learn the truth of the matter. Until then, baby steps.


----------



## Rob_1

you can do all these baby steps while at the same time showing your wife that you not longer respect her and that the relationship is dead, and start showing her the respect you are gaining for yourself. Indifference, no more sex with her, living in the same house but not longer together is a start while you are gathering all your ducks. start preparing yourself financially, start seeking legal advice, start making a new life outside the one you have right now, seek new friends, hobbies, exercise get in shape. Start dressing and grooming up to today's fashion that conform to your self identity.this in the long run will help you be more confidence in yourself, more assertive; which in turn it will broaden your horizon.


----------



## Gabriel

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Not a cuckold, sling the **** you want but it's not gonna stick. That's a fetish and it involves arousal of some sort.
> 
> Ultimately my long term goal is separation. I need to secure myself before I can secure my future, not everyone has options to leave.
> 
> Yeah, I made snacks because I've read that it has calming effects when having stressful talks. I think it worked for me.
> 
> I first came to TAM through hurt and heartbreak. I was met with a lot of harsh truths that I wasn't ready to accept. I've done so much irl talking with my wife and self reflection that I couldn't translate a play by play to this place. I really want to delete this. I know what I'm going to do, I have a plan for the future. I only gave this update because of the comments asking for details. Otherwise I wouldn't have come back. My life is ****ed up, I am ****ed up, and I'm just trying to get by. The kid's think we are all better and maybe when they grow up a bit they can learn the truth of the matter. Until then, baby steps.


Unwilling cuckhold then. 

Giving her permission to **** another man is the worst mistake you ever made in your life. 

If your goal was to separate from her, that's fine, but you didn't have to debase yourself in the process.

And debasing yourself is exactly what you have done.

You listened to nobody here. You ignored all the advice you were given and did the exact opposite. So you probably won't listen to this either, but there is no money, no house, no "getting yourself together" that is worth spending one more minute in your wife's life. 

Don't you understand? When your wife asked you permission to see this guy, and she was crying, etc. she was BEGGING YOU TO TAKE A STAND! She was hoping you would care enough to say, NO, you are MINE, you stay right here DAMMIT.

You didn't, you let her go out the door. And the moment you did that, your relationship ended for good. You have nothing left at all now. Just start divvying up your stuff.


----------



## OutofRetirement

People get upset about injustice, about people being used, even when the one being abused does it willingly, maybe even moreso when it's that. As a child you probably remember another child who willingly received abuse from others just to have a friend. Maybe you were that child. It seems you are that adult now. I feel sorry for you.

If you are happy, fine. If you are not, I recommend getting therapy.


----------



## Openminded

Women despise men who are doormats. Keep that in mind.


----------



## jlg07

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Not a cuckold, sling the **** you want but it's not gonna stick. That's a fetish and it involves arousal of some sort.
> 
> Ultimately my long term goal is separation. I need to secure myself before I can secure my future, not everyone has options to leave.
> 
> Yeah, I made snacks because I've read that it has calming effects when having stressful talks. I think it worked for me.
> 
> I first came to TAM through hurt and heartbreak. I was met with a lot of harsh truths that I wasn't ready to accept. I've done so much irl talking with my wife and self reflection that I couldn't translate a play by play to this place. I really want to delete this. I know what I'm going to do, I have a plan for the future. I only gave this update because of the comments asking for details. Otherwise I wouldn't have come back. My life is ****ed up, I am ****ed up, and I'm just trying to get by. The kid's think we are all better and maybe when they grow up a bit they can learn the truth of the matter. Until then, baby steps.


So first, thanks for doing the update. I think you SHOULD stay here (yes you will get a lot of harsh posts -- most here who have been cheated on can't fathom WHY you would do this -- stay with someone you KNOW is cheating).
You need to do things at your own pace, BUT, a few more suggestions:
1) start practicing the 180 -- this will help YOU detach from your wife (you seem VERY codependent to allow this to go on).
2)Are you SURE this is the first time she has done this? You may want to DNA test your kids. Even if you are 100% sure, you can do this to let her know how much she has damaged your trust in her and your marriage.
3)Spend ALL your time focusing on YOU and your kids. DO NOTHING more for your wife -- certainly DO NOT make her snacks after she's been out having sex with another guy. This just makes her think you are ok with all of this. When she gets in, ignore her, do NOT talk to her about it. You may want to have her sleep someplace else (condom or not) - and DO NOT have sex with her.


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## OutofRetirement

Your wife wants the other man. You are her plan B. She believes her happiness comes from her man. She cannot be happy without a man. She has said as much to you, you are needed as plan B, she feels no other man will ever put up with stuff that you will for her. He wanted a friends with benefits, your wife wanted a relationship. Your wife will try to get what she wants with him, then if that happens, she will divorce you.

I understand you want to position yourself. That's what you say. I don't believe it. At best I believe you are conflicted and would reconcile if she really gave a genuine effort. It is theoretically possible, but your wife has done this in the past that you are aware of, and you probably don't have except the tip of the iceberg.

The badmouthing is a concern. On top of cheating, your wife says you are abusive. You see how much people care, how much they will investigate that you are not. They will believe what your wife says. 

That many other people are going to be aware - him and all his friends, who may become acquainted with your wife's friends is another concern. Your children are young, but you will not be able to stop other people telling your children what happened if they are aware. Children overhear their parents, then the children go and tell your children.

Your wife apparently is the breadwinner and you feel financially you would get screwed. I suggest getting a consultation for an attorney before you get to further along executing any (ill-conceived) plan you are hatching up and find out what really will happen.

What happens now? Does your wife want to schedule sex with her lover? Will you use protection from now on, or will either you or your wife no longer want to have sex together? How long can you remain in control as you follow your plan to extricate yourself?


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## Marduk

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I wish I was a troll. I wish it was all just made up stories. But it's not. Just a dude who's life is on fire and I'm watching it go down. Seriously I might be mentally ill.
> 
> Oh guys it's been so totally ****ed here. I don't even feel comfortable letting you know but since so many of the popcorn eaters want answers I'll give you this update.
> 
> She asked for permission. Just hearing it made me want to flee. I fled to here, to reddit, my journal, anywhere but reality. I tried to process it all and I couldn't. I shut down emotionally, no longer feeling anything even the hurt that was so constant just faded to nothing. I said yes. Something like "Just get it out of her system" played in my head. That and "we are young so might as well be wild" or, as foolish as it sounds, "She'll come back so it's ok".
> 
> Like I know I'm not doing anything right. I read every comment and gave them all thought. I still ended up just doing things in my own unhealthy way. I wanted out but then I wanted to stay and then it became a feeling of I have to stay no matter what. I might as well be blind and deaf with how little I have followed the advice given, sorry guys.
> 
> Saturday was the day. He lives an hour n half away and the meetup time was 4pm. For some god damn reason SHE was a nervous wreck. Gets what she wants and throws on water works and I ended up comforting her. Remind her she doesn't have to. But she still left. I kept myself busy with the kids and chores. I still didn't have any feelings, it was so strange. The last 'text' was a snap from inside her car that she arrived. From my point of view time slowed to a goddamn crawl. But still I felt nothing. I gave her a curfew of before midnight. Reminding her that she has children too. Well let's skip to when she gets home, 30 minutes before curfew. She walks through the door and I greeted her with positivity, though I didn't feel that. I had her sit down and made her a quick snack. She explained everything from the moment she arrived but I'll spare some details. They hung out and watched a funny movie on Netflix. Then came the cliche 20 minutes in "look" and of course started to get heated. Took it back to the bedroom and the rest is history. Following that they cozied up and watched another movie. Said they used protection and I believe her. She describes a pretty normal encounter and for some reason out of all the emotions I could've felt it was relief that hit me.
> 
> Isn't that messed up? After hearing the encounter I was relieved. It's been weird. I seeked help from the corners of the internet in very strange places. Thought maybe I wasn't as monogamous as I thought. I don't know. When I first got asked permission I was looking at divorce lawyers, therapy, even work out regimes. I browsed schooling options, I looked into employments, I was trying to find cheap apartments, I basically planned for separation. After the fact it was like it didn't matter anymore. I talked with a counselor and now I have my first appointment this coming Monday, I've actually lost a lot of weight since this thread began (I'm finally under 180! My target is 163) so working out has been feeling good. I'm making better home cooked meals and just all around seem to be on a healthy track. Just not relationship wise. I'm hoping therapy can knock something loose in me, whatever it is that keeps me in this toxic "marriage". It's like when I'm around her I feel good and when she is gone I feel like ****. Oh yeah, feelings trickled back in and I was my good ol panic attack having self.
> 
> No idea what I'm going to do with our marriage. I told my wife that the door is available to both of us, I'm not trapped here the same as she isn't either, though I didn't believe that myself. I thought about finding my own booty call to see how she'd feel but part of me just doesn't want to "stoop to her level".
> 
> So that's the gist of it. Oh wait let me rewind. This dude doesn't know that I know whats going on. I felt like that wasn't right. Last night I sent a Facebook PM to him basically telling him I know whats going on. My wife actually saw me start this and tried to help me compose a text that wasn't filled with rage, probably an attempt to not scare off her fling. Don't know when or if he'll read it, kinda hope it makes this whole thing lose its passion because of it. No more secrets meant it wasn't forbidden fruit but instead boring overweight fruit.
> 
> I know what you guys are going to say... I know it all deep down, it hurts to even make this comment. I just take smaller steps than most and I feel like I can get out of this toxicity by doing it in my slow way. I just want to be financially independent and mentally sound before I do anything. Again, sorry for basically disregarding what hundreds of people tell me.
> 
> I feel very alone in all this. This kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I have no close friends. I have no one to confide in or even talk to on a regular basis. So that's another thing I'm working on, making friends.
> 
> Ugh I'm gonna regret this comment. But here you go.
> 
> "She is as toxic as antifreeze in your orange juice."
> 
> Oh and I'm stealing this saying from now on. It's so true.


This is a trauma response. That empty, blank feeling... normal. It's your body and mind trying to process what just occurred, and what you just consented to occur.

It is functionally identical to what I've read from women that have been forced into a traumatic scenario, and been forced or coerced into consenting to it.

You are being abused. You are being manipulated. You are dealing with cognitive dissonance and trauma. It will get worse unless you get out of it, and get support with it.

There is a vast, vast difference between consenting to an open relationship and what has just occurred in your marriage.


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## Edmund

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Not a cuckold, sling the **** you want but it's not gonna stick. That's a fetish and it involves arousal of some sort.
> 
> Ultimately my long term goal is separation. I need to secure myself before I can secure my future, not everyone has options to leave.
> 
> Yeah, I made snacks because I've read that it has calming effects when having stressful talks. I think it worked for me.
> 
> I first came to TAM through hurt and heartbreak. I was met with a lot of harsh truths that I wasn't ready to accept. I've done so much irl talking with my wife and self reflection that I couldn't translate a play by play to this place. I really want to delete this. I know what I'm going to do, I have a plan for the future. I only gave this update because of the comments asking for details. Otherwise I wouldn't have come back. My life is ****ed up, I am ****ed up, and I'm just trying to get by. The kid's think we are all better and maybe when they grow up a bit they can learn the truth of the matter. Until then, baby steps.


Hello. I am a person who posts once in a while to try to help people in these situations. I am not a wayward or a betrayed. Just an old guy who has been married for 41 years. Life can surely suck and you are in a mess right now. Now a lot of commenters here are insulting your manhood, and that is not helpful. They are doing this because your posts reporting on your actions are triggering them; they are here trying to help people to avoid mistakes they themselves made; and you are not following their advice. They are thinking in terms of the framework of traditional marriage. I would ask TAMers to please calm down and refrain from the name calling and insults to the OP. (I am calling you OP, because your username is too long, ha!)

First of all you are clearly NOT a cuckold as that term is understood today. The antiquated dictionary definition which is hundreds of years old is much broader. But just to discuss terminology a little, when this thread started, your wife was cheating on you. It may not have been physical then but she was having a flirting or romantic relationship with another man and trying (ineptly perhaps) to hide it from you. She is thus by definition a cheater. You were angry and distraught as any normal man would be. When found out, she wanted to divorce. This tells you she no longer is in love with you. It appears that what she wants is to stay married to you and raise the family (btw how old are your children? this is important to consider in making your plans.) but to have sex with other men. This is unusual but not uncommon - a good example is the story of Squid1035, Squid on SurvivingInfidelity.com, who stayed with his wife for 2 years before finally divorcing her.

Now, eventually she asked for your permission (permission, she did not just go and do it, she asked) and you said yes, in other words, you reluctantly consented (sort of threw up your hands). This is making the TAM folks here heads explode. But, they are not in your shoes. It might have been a reasonable decision at the time. Then she went and did it, came back by the deadline you specified, and told you about it in detail. You were positive, made her a snack, listened to her recount her day. These actions make her, by contemporary definition, a "hotwife" (one word, not two). And it also made you, whether you wanted to or not, to be considered a "hotwife husband" by default. This is not the same as a cuckold. A cuckold would have been overjoyed that his wife had done what yours did. He would have encoraged her at every turn. It is a fetish, just like you said, but you don't have it. There are many men like this; I don't know why but I think it might be a psychological abnormality of some type. (I should point out that I personally am not in this lifestyle, there have been some posters on TAM that are or were.) So, you are right to be angry about people calling you a cuckold in such a perjorative manner.

You say you researched the internet to try to understand. Did you try the web site "ourhotwives.org"? People there will not be triggered by your story and will most likely offer you more support on how to deal with your situation. I am mentioning this only because you said somewhere in this thread that you sort of questioned your belief in monogamy and that you might yourself have a "wild hair" (I don't really know what that means), and that you might want to do that yourself. You also mentioned having a "booty call" so she'd know how you feel; that is usually considered to be a bad idea because of the revenge aspect. It might be that your wife wants to remain married as your hotwife, or else enter into the swinging lifestyle, which is different still again, as swingers operate as a husband wife team and protect each other and their marrige. Or so they say.

Right now you are hurting, and confused. You can't expect to come up with a solution immediately. I think you are on the right track to get your financial "ducks in a row" and to have a long term goal, whether with or without your wife. One thing is you must care for your children as they are going to be traumatized (unless they are much older than I think).

Good luck.


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## Blondilocks

So, all you want to do is vent here. That's fine.


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## dreamer2017

I can't read this anymore!!!!


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## Openminded

dreamer2017 said:


> I can't read this anymore!!!!


Yeah, it’s one of those crazy ones.


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## Evinrude58

If this story is true, then attempts at help are futile. I felt the helplessness. I’ve felt the terror, I felt the deep anguish like nothing I’ve ever felt. But I would never ever have given permission for my wife to screw another dude and fix snacks for her when she cane back to tell me about it.
Yoir marriage is done. Your self respect is lost. You need counseling and a lawyer, and lots of time to get over this. Right now you’re sinking deeper in poo.
Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Not a cuckold, sling the **** you want but it's not gonna stick. That's a fetish and it involves arousal of some sort.
> 
> Ultimately my long term goal is separation. I need to secure myself before I can secure my future, not everyone has options to leave.
> 
> Yeah, I made snacks because I've read that it has calming effects when having stressful talks. I think it worked for me.
> 
> I first came to TAM through hurt and heartbreak. I was met with a lot of harsh truths that I wasn't ready to accept. I've done so much irl talking with my wife and self reflection that I couldn't translate a play by play to this place. I really want to delete this. I know what I'm going to do, I have a plan for the future. I only gave this update because of the comments asking for details. Otherwise I wouldn't have come back. My life is ****ed up, I am ****ed up, and I'm just trying to get by. The kid's think we are all better and maybe when they grow up a bit they can learn the truth of the matter. Until then, baby steps.



Quite honestly i really don't think you know what you want i am telling this to you as not someone who wants to brign you down but someone who wants you understand your roller coaster of emotions, right now you need to stop all further activities between her and him and anyone else. you both need to sit down and you need to tell her what you are feeling and she need to understand what she is doing is damaging your marriage...enough is enough for now get some help first before you take another step in either direction.


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## Buffer

Express your rage your way. You need to get out of your relationship now. No nice as pie Crap 💩 it didn’t work. IC is a must. Don’t sleep with her from now on she can still get a std or sti due to kissing skin in skin contact saliva etc. please hard 180 she is using this as her exit A. Very hard effect on your masculinity as well as self wort. Have her served D papers. 
Buffer


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## oldtruck

simply false justification by the OP for him to tell his WW that it was ok
to go bang her OM.


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## ABHale

Quit honestly you need counseling.

You are pretty f’ed up. How could you say yes?
Read the 180 and start to do it.

Get some help.

Just damn.


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## sunsetmist

You said once you hoped she would get it out of her system. Did she? You do not feel emotions others expect you to feel. You considered a sexual adventure, but that did not appeal enough for action.

I'm wondering if you ever had a model of true family caring and relationship? What happens when hurt comes to visit you? If you could wave a magic wand and see your future, what would you want to see?


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## Buffer

Brother, I do think she will be coming home, then getting ready to go on a date, giving you a list of things to do and then meet up with a new beau. Brother you got to get out of this relationshi. Take the children and run from her. She doesn’t care for you, the children, only herself.
Buffer


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## jparistotle

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Not a cuckold, sling the **** you want but it's not gonna stick. That's a fetish and it involves arousal of some sort.
> 
> Ultimately my long term goal is separation. I need to secure myself before I can secure my future, not everyone has options to leave.
> 
> Yeah, I made snacks because I've read that it has calming effects when having stressful talks. I think it worked for me.
> 
> I first came to TAM through hurt and heartbreak. I was met with a lot of harsh truths that I wasn't ready to accept. I've done so much irl talking with my wife and self reflection that I couldn't translate a play by play to this place. I really want to delete this. I know what I'm going to do, I have a plan for the future. I only gave this update because of the comments asking for details. Otherwise I wouldn't have come back. My life is ****ed up, I am ****ed up, and I'm just trying to get by. The kid's think we are all better and maybe when they grow up a bit they can learn the truth of the matter. Until then, baby steps.


Wake up. If this is what you want your life to be so that is on you. if it was me I could not stand the fact that another man owns you. HE DOES. Lawyer up and tell her this relationship is over and do not look back. You will no longer be friends and the only thing you need to deal with is the kids. Gain some self respect back. YOU ARE YOUNG. separate now.


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## ABHale

One last thought, you will end up destroying your kids lives if you didn’t get yourself together. Do what you have do for their sake.


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## MattMatt

MODERATOR WARNING. Quit the so-called 2x4s. You aren't helping.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

Welp. I'm trying to see the good in all this but all I have is this awful ****ing feeling.

The AP reached out that he got the message and said they should put things on hold. Yay. Right? Unless our marriage ends. Oh. In which case they might try something. Ohhh. And she says its not fair to trap each other. Ohhhhhh. So basically she is hinting at divorce (she isn't the straight forward type). Guess this is it for me guys. I should've been the one to take control of the relationship but she had it from day 1 and even gets to end it on her terms. She gets home from work in an hour. I am a stupid ****ing worthless person. Cause I STILL want to reconcile. I'm weak. Too weak. I just want all this pain to stop.

Edit: no its goes beyond being weak. I know if she says she wants to stay with me I'd take her back in a heartbeat. I'm broken, so so very broken.


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## OutofRetirement

Is there a reason you don't want a consultation with an attorney?

Divorce has been a possibility. Ignoring the possibility will not stop it from happening.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Welp. I'm trying to see the good in all this but all I have is this awful ****ing feeling.
> 
> The AP reached out that he got the message and said they should put things on hold. Yay. Right? Unless our marriage ends. Oh. In which case they might try something. Ohhh. And she says its not fair to trap each other. Ohhhhhh. So basically she is hinting at divorce (she isn't the straight forward type). Guess this is it for me guys. I should've been the one to take control of the relationship but she had it from day 1 and even gets to end it on her terms. She gets home from work in an hour. I am a stupid ****ing worthless person. Cause I STILL want to reconcile. I'm weak. Too weak. I just want all this pain to stop.
> 
> Edit: no its goes beyond being weak. I know if she says she wants to stay with me I'd take her back in a heartbeat. I'm broken, so so very broken.


Get her out of your life. She is toxic. Get yourself into IC and work towards being the best that you can be.


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## Evinrude58

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. In the case here, where your emotions are overwhelming, do the logical thing which is to divorce a cheating wife who clearly does not love you or have your best interests at heart. You should file. It’s going to happen anyway.
Do it while you might get a fair shake because she wants out badly. And she does. The only reason she’s not telling you to carry your ass is because she needs you to pay the bills (edit: stay at home dad that gives his wife permission to bang her affair partner??? I really think you’re still there now only because she doesn’t want to pay alimony) . Does the AP have a job? But who would ever want her back, that’s in a normal frame of mind. Do what’s logical.
your emotions will screw you ovee


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## Blondilocks

He's unemployed - he's a stay at home dad.


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## Tdbo

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> I'm broken, so so very broken.


Yes, you are.
Do you want to know why?
Because you have empowered another person to break you.
You need to get pissed. You need to take control. You need to take action.
Get an attorney. Plan a viable course of action.
Take it to the B****. It won't be pretty, or easy, but it is necessary.
You can only be broken with your permission.
Today needs to be the day you do something about it.


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## Gabriel

First step is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. 
Second step is to take action.

Then, be free.

You have to extract your wife's actions from your identity. She is gone. Work on yourself only.


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## ABHale

WhyDoITrySoHard said:


> Welp. I'm trying to see the good in all this but all I have is this awful ****ing feeling.
> 
> The AP reached out that he got the message and said they should put things on hold. Yay. Right? Unless our marriage ends. Oh. In which case they might try something. Ohhh. And she says its not fair to trap each other. Ohhhhhh. So basically she is hinting at divorce (she isn't the straight forward type). Guess this is it for me guys. I should've been the one to take control of the relationship but she had it from day 1 and even gets to end it on her terms. She gets home from work in an hour. I am a stupid ****ing worthless person. Cause I STILL want to reconcile. I'm weak. Too weak. I just want all this pain to stop.
> 
> Edit: no its goes beyond being weak. I know if she says she wants to stay with me I'd take her back in a heartbeat. I'm broken, so so very broken.


Could you be codependent on her?

Are you nothing without her?

If this is the case then your relationship is so screwed up to begin with.

Get into counseling like yesterday. The longer you wait the longer it will take for you to heal and be yourself again.

She has already proven she doesn’t give a **** about you. Find help and read No More Mr Nice Guy before your next relationship.


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## red oak

I haven’t read it all so far and see the continued mention of DNA testing.

Other than proof of cheating it will do little good.

In many states it will not get you out of child support or responsibility for the child. Florida is one of the worst.

If you love “your“ kids and find out one isn’t would you still be able to treat it the same?

Definitely not the child’s fault.

Definitely check with a lawyer.


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## red oak

WOW!
Finally finished reading.

You are nothing but a pawn and have fallen for all the tricks.

I almost think you’re spoofing but few would have psychological knowledge to spoof so well.

You were played to such an extent saying to the hilt is an understatement.

*You sir have lost all recourse and royally ****ed yourself. *

A little picture for you; depending on her mentality and how she choices to use what you have given her.

1. You stated she was changing history telling people how you were abusive.

With you giving her permission to **** someone else *then actually proving it by writing the man a letter *you lost any chance of recourse of filing divorce based on grounds of her cheating.

If you tried she can now just as easily say she didn’t want to and was crying about it but you’re talked her in to it anyway.

There is so much more, but until you start pulling yourself up by your boot straps i feel it would be like talking to a rock.


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## scaredlion

My wife is/was a stay at home Mom. She use to say (jokingly) that she kept me in line with three little words.
-------Alimony, Child Support-------
I wish you well.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

OutofRetirement said:


> she feels no other man will ever put up with stuff that you will for her.





Buffer said:


> She doesn’t care for you, the children, only herself.





jparistotle said:


> Lawyer up and tell her this relationship is over and do not look back.





No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Get her out of your life. She is toxic.





Evinrude58 said:


> You should file. It’s going to happen anyway.



I was really hoping to come back to this site and prove everyone wrong after my marriage heals and gets better, that cheating doesn't have to be the end of a relationship. Boy was I wrong. Anyways as an update I am getting a divorce with my cheating wife. A lot of ******** has happened since I was last on here. She has become out of control and I wan't nothing to do with it anymore. I can count on two hands the number of people she cheated with me before I couldn't take it anymore. I honestly wish I divorced her 5 years ago, I should've had more self respect this whole time but my self image and esteem was at an all time low. I somehow thought my only option in life was to be stuck in a miserable marriage with a woman sleeping around on me. Now I realize that is not the case. The struggle is real since we have yet to finish the paperwork (and then wait 90 days according to state laws, bummer). You guys were right, I should've been done with this relationship instead of agreeing to her sick demands. She is toxic and spiraling out of control. I have no doubt she is sleeping with multiple people right now while feeding them whatever lies she sees fit. I'll heal and I'll recover but **** people like her and **** fake friends who were willing to sleep with her. I got to cut out a lot of toxic people from my life.

So yeah.... Here's my update. **** went south pretty bad and I finally had enough (took me long enough).


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## jlg07

So, make sure that you expose her for the cheater that she is to family/friends/etc. -- this is just so that she can't re-write your marital history and make YOU look like the bad guy.
GREAT that you finally got to this point so that you can stop the pain. As for those who supported her in her cheating, cut them out and let them know WHY. Get YOUR stuff together -- finances, work out, eat right, improve your relationship with your kids (and tell them in an age-appropriate way WHY you are getting divorced so that they don't think it was anything that THEY did), and improve YOU.
STOP all communications with her except for the Divorce or the kids. 
VERY sorry that all this happened -- you will get through it and come out the other side much better off.


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## Rob_1

This is for all new posters in your situation or similar that read through your posts:
this will be you.... if you do not man up and reattach your balls to become a man that is secure enough of himself and have the self respect to immediately cut out of his life without hesitation an untrustworthy partner the moment you find out.

As for the OP: we all get what we deserve, because only US, and US only can decide for how our future would be. You reap what you sow. When you let someone take over your life don't expect not to be **** on.


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## anchorwatch

Good for you! Every day forward is a better day than you left behind.


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## WhyDoITrySoHard

I get it. I placed my own happiness in the hands of another, which isn't a healthy relationship really. I wasted 5 years of my life trying to be the best husband to my unfaithful wife. Don't make those kinds of mistakes, you can't get that time back when it all becomes wasted effort. 

As a warning to people who have just discovered possible cheating: Seriously have a very long think about the situation you are in. You are not to be blamed for the actions of others but how you react to those actions is on you. Self Respect goes a long way and you need to respect yourself enough to not be cheated on or be treated as a backup option. Divorce has the biggest emotional turmoil but you will be better off without those whom disrespect you in your life. Seriously. It's not about other forms of toxicity it's simply just respecting yourself to be treated right by others.

As for blasting the world of your partners infidelity I would recommend against anything beyond telling just the basics to family and friends. No sense in creating drama before a divorce is even finalized (let alone an on going parenting plan) when the partner can get pretty vindictive, especially narcissistic cheaters.


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## BluesPower

Well I can't tell if you finally found out she was cheating in the last 5 years. After you caught her? Was she? 

Then, I want to say that I am sorry we were right but not surprised. But sometimes there is no way to get someone to understand and leave until they live it, understand it and believe it. By that time they have wasted time. 

Just be glad it was only 10 years, try 26 years...


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## Evinrude58

Sorry, knew the train was coming but still hate to see the wreck.
Hang in there. You’ll get through it if you keep moving forward.


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## shortbus

I'm glad you've seen the light.
You will start to heal now.
Best of luck going forward.


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## Buffer

Well, that sucks. Strength to you, take care of #1 and that is you. Get her served ASAP then get her out.
One day at a time 
Buffer


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## Gabriel

Under no circumstances have any goodbye sex with her. 1) you'll likely catch something and 2) it could wipe out any infidelity claims in your divorce.


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## Taxman

In your case, wait until you have finances engraved in stone. This is the conservative approach. Play nice to get the best possible settlement. Talk exposure after the fact with your attorney. This is something that can blow settlements out of the water. You want to ensure that you come out of this ahead. If you have to bite your tongue, then do so sir. This is about getting you out clean. I tell my guys to lose the anger at the door. We are Spock, logical and emotionless. Get the best deal. and get away from the drama, as your ex, I can guarantee you will crash and burn.


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