# Moved back to "affair" hometown after 10+ yrs



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Background: Married for nearly 20 yrs, both had Post-Separation relationships (R) around the time of multiple military deployments after 9/11. Both agreed to no contact rule upon reconciliation. That was over 10 yrs ago. Doing great for now.

I ran into 2 old GFs from before the marriage. One at the grocery store, the other at the work office. Told the wife about it. Made a joke that they both gained 100 pounds since the last time I saw them 20+ years ago. She laughed and seemed OK with it.

We then started a conversation about which of her old BFs that she might run into back in our new/old hometown. At first she spoke of guys from before marriage that I barely remember. Then the subject turned to the 2 guys she had R with during the marriage, 1 mostly EA and 1 PA, both co-workers.

She felt the need to tell me a lot more details than previously mentioned about the PA guy, i.e. length of R (from "a few months" to "3 full years"), seriousness of actions ("just messing around" to "we were planning to run away together"), places of sexual rendezvous (from "bar parking lots or cars" to "he would come over to our house everyday at lunch plus at least 1 night every weekend, and weird places like cemeteries and parks"), sexual performance "he had a lot of stamina to keep things steamy with both me and his wife", and other things that she had never mentioned before or downplayed. She also confirmed that the R continued even after I returned from deployments (I was home for about 6 months over a 3 year period). I also discovered that the reason she lost her job at the time was not from having an angry boss but from the R with the 2 guys in the office. Apparently the boss made it public and announced to everyone in the office the reason for the firing. EA guy moved away to take a job elsewhere and PA guy was fired about a month later for sexual harassment of a female co-worker in the same office. 

I thought I would be OK with it now after 10 years but it triggered some negative feelings, especially about being in our house (we had a young son at the time), the length of the R and the plans to leave me. I thought OM2 (PA) was just a drunk idiot older work friend who was taking advantage of a situation and manipulating my wife but seems it was mutual or worse. He was/is married and my W stated she informed the other wife of the affair at the end. 

She also talked about how great OM1 was that she had the emotional affair with. She ended by saying reluctantly that if something happened to me (like death), she would seek out the other guy to remarry (he does not live anywhere near us). He is younger and never married but supposedly kept it in his pants even when she offered "it" up for him numerous times. Maybe he's gay. I am not so worried about him. 

I know by reading this site that triggers are normal and after 3 days it has subsided somewhat. I had the most common visual of thinking of her having sex with the other guy at the cemetery and other places and not being able to get that vision out of my head.

Since OM2 lives in the same town as us, I am considering reinforcing the no contact rule and reengaging my monitoring of her communications. He is not aware that she is back in town as far as I know, and the only way he would find out is if she made it happen (this is a large city).

Gotta go to bed, more to follow..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like she was punishing you with all the details and commentary. She sounds very resentful. If you've both cheated, then there is certainly lots of reason for resentment.

Your marriage is dysfunctional & at the very least could stand some counseling. If you're not in IC, then you both should start, in my opinion.


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## abart (Aug 5, 2014)

I think she is trying to end the marriage, Ask her about it. If she wants to then just end it. Because she sounds a bit psychotic. 
She cheated once she will do it again.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> She also talked about how great the guy was that she had the emotional affair with. She ended by saying reluctantly that if something happened to me (like death), she would seek out the other guy to remarry (he does not live anywhere near us). He is younger and never married


Her finally giving you more details plus the quote above has a reason, one that has something to do with something other than a commitment to honesty.
I think the posts are trying to answer that question. You see it too right?



Now it could be that she felt insecurity from the mention of your former girlfriends and wanted you to know that she has options too IDK. 



Its is clear that she has trickle truthed you this whole time and maybe you her as well, IDK. Your relationship still seems very damaged and likely because neither of you are able to move forward with truth.



IC might help with honest communication, it seems your relationship is in serious need of it.
Also self-reflection seems lacking (again IC would help), as in answering the questions "Why did I do that (you; mention girlfriends, her: I would seek him out to remarry), What was I trying to accomplish?"


The answers to those questions become the basis for open, honest discussions where you and your wife own your motives, identify the destructive flaw in the toxic ones and accept and reassure each other in love.


It is the hard work of getting the poison out of your relationship.

Are you guys up to it?



All it takes is selfishness and lust to damage the relationship, it takes a personal commitment to character on both peoples part to heal a relationship.

I really do wish you both well, and thank you for your service to our country.

Take care!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well of course you feel horrible. You thought you were over this, that you forgave each other and moved on. But you never had all the information (trickle-truth), so there's no way you could have. This is Dday all over again. Your pain is fresh, her remorse is nonexistent. I agree you two have a LOT of work to do if you hope to salvage the relationship. Will she go to MC?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sorry dude.

From what you've written here, it looks like you're married to a serial cheater that doesn't regret her decisions, and still thinks about going back to one or all of them.

Seems like a false reconciliation to me. Why do you tolerate this?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

> She also talked about how great the guy was that she had the emotional affair with. She ended by saying reluctantly that if something happened to me (like death), she would seek out the other guy to remarry (he does not live anywhere near us).












She's not over her affairs.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I thought the other guy (physical/emotional) was just a drunk idiot older work friend who was taking advantage of a situation and manipulating my wife but seems it was mutual or worse.


A word to the wise.... It's ALWAYS mutual or worse. Many women, especially your wife, are actually the aggressors. Case in point:



MAJDEATH said:


> He is younger and never married but supposedly kept it in his pants even when she offered "it" up for him numerous times.


This woman is a pariah. Your reconciliation is built on a foundation of lies. Even with this new information, I guarantee you're STILL getting the censored version of the story.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> places of sexual rendezvous (from "bar parking lots or cars" to "he would come over to our house everyday at lunch plus at least 1 night every weekend, and weird places like cemeteries and parks", sexual performance "he had a lot of stamina to keep things steamy with both me and his wife", and other things that she had never mentioned before or downplayed.


Damn, this reminds me of what Groucho Marx said, "I love my cigar too but I take it out sometimes."


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sighhhhh.....o boy.....


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you talked to her about her lack of remorse?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why are these waywards so fvcking stupid? Why? What good does it do her to finally come clean on this stuff unless she is just a total heartless b!tch who treats her husband like her girlfriend, or she is stirring up all those old latent memories and wanting to go out and cheat again?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Thanks for all the good responses TAM forum members. I thought I was over the resentment but by reading the intro sticky I can see that it is common that I am not. I also saw the acronym list and I will try to start using (being former military that shouldn't be hard).

This was definitely a new DDay for me with the trickle truth floodgates finally opening up. She has always said that by not revealing everything she was sparing my feelings, but full R requires total honesty to move past, no matter how difficult she perceives the question to be.

Yes we have both been to mc, and both to ic at times. She was actually in grad school to be a marriage counselor, and has had documented success helping crisis marriages with family/friends.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

The reason she opened up is because I prodded her and reassured her that I could handle more truth, which wasn't the case. She was talking to me like a girlfriend would.

She used to be very jealous of other girls, but not so much now.

Was she the aggressor in the A? With ER guy absolutely, with PR/ER guy I would say 50/50.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

hmmm... my troll radar is up on not only MAJ but chills


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Thanks for all the good responses TAM forum members. I thought I was over the resentment but by reading the intro sticky I can see that it is common that I am not. I also saw the acronym list and I will try to start using (being former military that shouldn't be hard).
> 
> This was definitely a new DDay for me with the trickle truth floodgates finally opening up. She has always said that by not revealing everything she was sparing my feelings, but full R requires total honesty to move past, no matter how difficult she perceives the question to be.
> 
> Yes we have both been to mc, and both to ic at times. *She was actually in grad school to be a marriage counselor, and has had documented success helping crisis marriages with family/friends.*


I nearly spit my drink all over my keyboard upon reading this.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I am not innocent either. I had a one night stand and a mostly EA for about 6 months while we were apart. I initiated D procedings and we were 1 or 2 more sessions from being done before the R started. Both agreed to enforce no contact rules, but after learning on this forum we should have sent certified letters to OMW/OWH, employers, family, and friends.

With her - OM1 moved away (mostly because I scared him) and the other lost his job and his wife was told about the A (according to wife)

With me - I sent her overseas (she was military) which made it easier to tell her to get lost. After meeting her husband and finding out for myself all of the lies she said about him were not true, I felt bad for him as a man/husband and told her to quit being a bad wife and fix her marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am not innocent either. I had a one night stand and a mostly ER for about 6 months while we were apart. I initiated D procedings and we were 1 or 2 more sessions from being done before the R started. Both agreed to enforce no contact rules, but after learning on this forum we should have sent certified letters to OMW/OWH, employers, family, and friends.
> 
> With her - 1 guy moved away (mostly because I scared him) and the other lost his job and his wife was told about the A (according to wife)
> 
> *With me - I sent her overseas (she was military) which made it easier to tell her to get lost.* After meeting her husband and finding out for myself all of the lies she said about him were not true, I felt bad for him as a man/husband and told her to quit being a bad wife and fix her marriage.


Please clarify the part in bold, because it reads like OW was a subordinate that you had transferred overseas in order to get her out of your life.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

In 2006 we got back together and moved to our next duty station and have been together ever since. We have moved 5 times since then and it is always challenging to move. She dropped all of her career plans to move with me to support my career.

Now that we are stable and never moving again (I hope), she was recruited to come back to work at the same place where the A's happened. The manager made a joke about it. The 2 affair guys had the same first name, and he said jokingly, "it's ok now to come back to work, almost no one is still here from before and there are no guys named ------ working here."

After discussing it with me she decided it was not right for us because of several factors, but those include her going back into the same environment where the A's went down. Would it happen again? IDK, maybe, maybe not. We don't need the extra income and we are remodeling our new house, which needs daily oversight. Guess it comes down to trust, because as I have learned, A's can happen anywhere and to anyone for any reason, as long as a spouse is willing to accept or even is searching for it. At least now I have insisted on removing the toxic friends from her/our life that were not healthy.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > I am not innocent either. I had a one night stand and a mostly ER for about 6 months while we were apart. I initiated D procedings and we were 1 or 2 more sessions from being done before the R started. Both agreed to enforce no contact rules, but after learning on this forum we should have sent certified letters to OMW/OWH, employers, family, and friends.
> ...


She was a subordinate, and I was an assignment officer. She wanted to go overseas again, I just sped up the timeline. Plus she was terrible the one time it got physical.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She does not sound very remorseful. She's treating her affairs like some kind of joke. How does that make you feel?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> She was a subordinate, and I was an assignment officer. She wanted to go overseas again, I just sped up the timeline. Plus she was terrible the one time it got physical.


Thank you for your service.

Best of luck to you.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> She does not sound very remorseful. She's treating her affairs like some kind of joke. How does that make you feel?


Her lighthearted remorse is somewhat unsettling, but I may have contributed to the reasons for the affairs. After a particularly intense argument, I stupidly told her that I didn't care if she fooled around while I was gone, but that she should cut it off when I got back. I know now (thru IC) that was completely the wrong thing to say. I know now that some people cannot separate physical from emotional and like crack the A can be hard to stop once started. She was also turning 30 and had some toxic friends, which is not an excuse but a contributing factor. We were basically living like roommates at the time (prior to me leaving), with me sleeping downstairs and her upstairs. I had initiated D proceedings because of her ongoing EA with co-worker OM1, so we were "virtualy divorced" in most ways. As far as I know, she never hung out with OM1 in our house (which was our agreement).


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I am glad I found TAM and the opportunity to write about my situation and receive honest feedback from folks who have dealt with infidelity issues. It is cathartic until I get back into IC again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> Her lighthearted remorse is somewhat unsettling, but I may have contributed to the reasons for the affairs. I stupidly told her that she could fool around while I was gone, but that she should cut it off when I got back. I know now (thru IC) that was completely the wrong thing to say.


You essentially told her that she was part of an "open marriage" and she enthusiastically embraced it. Soldier, you shot yourself in the @$$ when you did that.



> *I know now that most women cannot separate physical from emotional* and like crack the A can be hard to stop once started. She was also turning 30 and had some toxic friends, which is not an excuse but a contributing factor.


If taken as a huge sample, that comment has some validity but there are many, many women who do not fall under that assessment and can just as easily compartmentalize sex and love like many men do. By the same token, there are also many, many men who fall in love with the women they have sex with.

This is an individual as well as a marital issue, not a sociological one. Generalizations do little to help with affairs and infidelity.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> She does not sound very remorseful. She's treating her affairs like some kind of joke. How does that make you feel?


Where do you get that he's remorseful? I don't see it.

He is the one that brought this up in the first place. What was the point of bringing up his wh0res? To mention they'd gotten fat? How do we know that didn't open up resentment the she still has? 

From where I sit op knows he's not innocent but somehow thinks her affairs werec worse, and of course TAM would seem to agree. Why is this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

morituri said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Her lighthearted remorse is somewhat unsettling, but I may have contributed to the reasons for the affairs. I stupidly told her that she could fool around while I was gone, but that she should cut it off when I got back. I know now (thru IC) that was completely the wrong thing to say.
> ...


You are correct about giving her the green light to fool around. She has said many times that she interpreted that to mean "he doesn't care about me anymore, and if he doesn't care, why shouldn't I be with someone else who does."

Not open marriage but an attempt to be a cool husband and let her get her needs met when I volunteered to be gone. She has a really good vibrator now.

I would also say that almost noone can compartmentalize sex from love, contrary to what Hollywood or counseling might endorse.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

With all you've written, I think you should give 110% to reconciling.

Telling a spouse its OK to f#ck other people is tantamount to telling them you don't give a damn about them. Personally, I would take it that way and assume it was your way of telling me you would be on the prowl for sex partners and this was your way of belaying your guilt.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> Not open marriage but an attempt to be a cool hus0band and let her get her needs met when I volunteered to be gone. She has a really good vibrator now.


If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck.



> I would also say that almost noone can compartmentalize sex from love, contrary to what Hollywood or counseling might endorse.


People who suffered traumas when they were young may and often do develop disassociation between sex and love. This seems to be the case with my ex-wife who had been repeatedly raped by a male cousin when she was a young teenage girl.

Also people who have personality disorders are also good candidates for extra marital affairs.

But from a practical perspective, mutual committment to marital boundaries is what is needed to build a solid marriage. You and your wife are exclusive, the other would be AP can go to he11.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think the two of you really know the first thing about marriage.

Any chance of scrapping everything and starting over with major counseling? 

Your wife is not qualified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Thanks for all the good responses TAM forum members. I thought I was over the resentment but by reading the intro sticky I can see that it is common that I am not. I also saw the acronym list and I will try to start using (being former military that shouldn't be hard).
> 
> This was definitely a new DDay for me with the trickle truth floodgates finally opening up. She has always said that by not revealing everything she was sparing my feelings, but full R requires total honesty to move past, no matter how difficult she perceives the question to be.
> 
> Yes we have both been to mc, and both to ic at times. She was actually in grad school to be a marriage counselor, and has had documented success helping crisis marriages with family/friends.


I'm going to disagree with the majority. From what you've written I think that she took a brave step. You are back in the town where the physical affair took place. It is not impossible that you'd hear about some of the details since they were common knowledge at her workplace.

So she did the brave thing by telling you pretty much everything so that there would be no shocks later. And you did tell her that you could handle it.

To my mind she is NOT playing you at all, but is being honest about the past so that your marriage can continue. And she deserves having you at least try to accept what she said as you said you would.

Look at it this way: she did not have to tell you any more than she already had. If she was looking to restart the affair or have a new one, she'd likely have kept quiet about the past. If she's looking to leave you, she could just do it without any added drama.

And don't forget that she has training in this area. She's not stupid and understands what must be going through your mind.

So looking at it every which way, I think that she was brave and honest and deserves a real shot at keeping you. Talk to her, tell her your fears, and listen to her fully without jumping to conclusions.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She obviously feels now more secure in letting you know all of the truth about her affairs because she believes it isn't going to cause you to leave her. But how remorseful or ashamed is she of her bad behavior in the past? How is she now on mutual accountability and being an open book?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> She obviously feels now more secure in letting you know all of the truth about her affairs because she believes it isn't going to cause you to leave her. But how remorseful or ashamed is she of her bad behavior in the past? How is she now on mutual accountability and being an open book?


If she actually what her husband told her too, how is what she did bad or wrong?

I would think she resented very much to be left alone and told he did not not mind/care if she scr*wed around.

I'm also guessing there was a little revenge in her confession to get back at you,her husband for being uncaring and callous. I think it worked even after all these years. The proper thing to have done would have been for her to file for divorce the day after you told her she could act like a ****. I can't see why she didn't.

OP,If the two of you love each other, make it work. Neither of you can throw stones at the other.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I never understand BH's trying to excuse or minimize their WW actions with mentioning some of the things that they've done. To equate a ONS or a EA with a PA of over 3 years is crazy. An EA doesn't usually have the destructive effect on a man that it does on a woman. As for her PA, now OP knows that his wife and mother of his kids was going to blow up the family. He needs to proceed carefully. Once she sees her old AP, feelings could come rushing back in.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think the two of you really know the first thing about marriage.
> 
> Any chance of scrapping everything and starting over with major counseling?
> 
> ...


He's not qualified either. Who gives someone the green light to fool around? And I know I'll get flack for this, but why in the world would you get married knowing you were planning on having a long military career that would involve frequent deployments?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jsmart said:


> I never understand BH's trying to excuse or minimize their WW actions with mentioning some of the things that they've done. To equate a ONS or a EA with a PA of over 3 years is crazy. An EA doesn't usually have the destructive effect on a man that it does on a woman. As for her PA, now OP knows that his wife and mother of his kids was going to blow up the family. He needs to proceed carefully. Once she sees her old AP, feelings could come rushing back in.


Well i never understood why men on TAM like to gloss over the affairs of men if the wife has also cheated. And he was involved in way more then a ONS.....how else would he have multiple wh0res to run into?

And she hasn't actually done anything this time around, he's the one who brought up his wh0res, pushed her for details, and opened this box.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I too am slightly confused - you told her that she could sleep around and she did. So what is/was the problem. Was it that she was supposed to stop when you came back and she didn't ?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > I don't think the two of you really know the first thing about marriage.
> ...


Touche' Plan 9, probably not the best plan in the world. I was already in the military when we married. She made it clear that she did not want me to deploy overseas (voluntarily), and I wanted her to be the faithful wife and wait for me to come back. Try telling your spouse I'll be gone for 2 Christmases (15 months) and see what reaction you get. At the time I thought it better to be a realist and be honest about her needs but now we both agree that was the wrong approach.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> I too am slightly confused - you told her that she could sleep around and she did. So what is/was the problem. Was it that she was supposed to stop when you came back and she didn't ?


Yes. She became too attached and could't cut it off. And to the OM thinking, once he's been to the promise land, he's gonna keep coming back for more.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> He's not qualified either. Who gives someone the green light to fool around? And I know I'll get flack for this, but why in the world would you get married knowing you were planning on having a long military career that would involve frequent deployments?


Definitely not saying he is qualified. OP mentioned that she was a marriage counselor of all things. That is what I was referring too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> jsmart said:
> 
> 
> > I never understand BH's trying to excuse or minimize their WW actions with mentioning some of the things that they've done. To equate a ONS or a EA with a PA of over 3 years is crazy. An EA doesn't usually have the destructive effect on a man that it does on a woman. As for her PA, now OP knows that his wife and mother of his kids was going to blow up the family. He needs to proceed carefully. Once she sees her old AP, feelings could come rushing back in.
> ...


The ladies I ran into were old GFs from before the marriage and even before I had met the W.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I felt it was important to inform her of any contact with exes as part of the no contact agreement we have. The NC pact really only applies to post-marriage affairs but I wanted to be open and honest about all former GFs since we moved back home.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

morituri said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Not open marriage but an attempt to be a cool hus0band and let her get her needs met when I volunteered to be gone. She has a really good vibrator now.
> ...


For the psychological perspective:
1 she was sexually assaulted as a child multiple times by a family friend
2 both parents abandoned her about the same time, she became an emancipated minor at 14 and basically put herself thru high school while working 3 jobs and living on her own

I believe her experiences tainted her opinion of men, especially husbands since her dad choose the OW over her mom and herself.

We dated on and off for 7 yrs before M and only thru IC was she able to come to terms with her issues. In fact, I was the first person she ever told about the sexually assaults, and that was the first step in the road to learning how to live with it in your head.

I have learned thru IC/MC that girls who are victims of SA often become promiscuous with, jealous, and untrusting of all the men in their lives.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> I have learned thru IC/MC that girls who are victims of SA often become promiscuous with, jealous, and untrusting of all the men in their lives.


You've just described my XWW to a T.

Sadly, many of these women seldom get the help they need and end up walking through life as broken individuals.

What is your wife like now? Is she devoted to you and the marriage?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Yes.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> Yes.


 :scratchhead:


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you said it yourself if you were out of the picture she would have gone back with one of the two men....you may not be plan b but you are certainly far from plan A either....it sounds like she is planning a potential future without you. I am still lost....you move back here, you find out that she lied to you about how deep the relationship was, she is actually thinking of going back to the same office where the affairs took place...and you think that everything is going to be good betwen the two fo you...no offense but i see no good coming out of all of this.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Things couldn't better between us. Last night we had a great conversation to answer any questions that either of us still had about our As.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

W has says it has been a huge relieve to put all of the facts of the infidelity out. She also is a writer and the latest book is about helping couples thru crisis marriages, and she will need to talk about her own experiences. So now I already know everything about the A's and won't be surprised to read it in the book when it is published.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

So all is good now?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So, now that you know that she was rocked by at least 1 affair partner, did she. Tell you honestly if he was better in bed than you? It's one of those inevitable questions that a BS usually needs to know about. I would want to know.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> W has says it has been a huge relieve to put all of the facts of the infidelity out. She also is a writer and the latest book is about helping couples thru crisis marriages, and she will need to talk about her own experiences. So now I already know everything about the A's and won't be surprised to read it in the book when it is published.


I knew there had to be a valid reason why she finally gave you all the details.

No she was not treating you like a GF when she admitted the details.

She was treating you like her publisher.

I understand your wife's troubled past.

Does she?

Is she now in a good place to be in a committed relationship with you?

And the same question to you?

HM


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So, now that you know that she was rocked by at least 1 affair partner, did she. Tell you honestly if he was better in bed than you? It's one of those inevitable questions that a BS usually needs to know about. I would want to know.


She told me everything I wanted to know, including sexual prowess, positions, locations, frequency, and who was "leading".


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > W has says it has been a huge relieve to put all of the facts of the infidelity out. She also is a writer and the latest book is about helping couples thru crisis marriages, and she will need to talk about her own experiences. So now I already know everything about the A's and won't be surprised to read it in the book when it is published.
> ...


We are better than ever, even better than the "honeymoon" phase.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> We are better than ever, even better than the "honeymoon" phase.


Hysterical bonding.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > We are better than ever, even better than the "honeymoon" phase.
> ...


????

She provided info because I asked her to, and she asked me and I answered, what is hysterical about that?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> ????
> 
> She provided info because I asked her to, and she asked me and I answered, what is hysterical about that?


Hysterical bonding (sex) is the name given to the often wild sex that occurs between partners after a major crisis between them has been solved. It doesn't literally mean "hysterical". Your description of the sex now as being the best it has been is a typical example.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Who said anything about sex, I was talking about the marriage in general.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Who said anything about sex, I was talking about the marriage in general.


So, was I. It's where the conversation was at.




MAJDEATH said:


> She told me everything I wanted to know, including sexual prowess, positions, locations, frequency, and who was "leading".





MAJDEATH said:


> We are better than ever, even better than the "honeymoon" phase.


Sex is about marriage in general and included in the "honeymoon phase."


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> hmmm... my troll radar is up on not only MAJ but chills


Well, looky there, chills disappeared after being mentioned. 

Wonder how long before MAJ disappears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Major new development, wife revealed 2 more affairs last night. DDay all over again. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong. Having a hard time today.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

When I said before I could handle it, what I mean was I could handle additional details about the 2 I knew about, not the ones I had no inkling of until last night.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's time to tell your wife to come completely clean because the trickle truth is not helping you one bit.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Really? So your wife has a public garage for a vagina and half the town has parked there?

Seriously?

What do want here?

Your wife needs serious help. Tell her to stop writing a book, unless it is literotica, and check herself in somewhere.

She is not well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

What do I want: advice from other TAM members, which I appreciate. 

Not sure where I go from here. Even 11 yrs after it hurts. I guess I need to go back to IC. She has been in counseling for years.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think she needs to be let go for further evaluation.

She really doesn't know anything about being married.

It takes honesty and usually fewer than the many genitals she has made herself familiar with.

You really don't know her at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Why not ask her "Is there a reason why you are choosing to trickle truth me with regards to the OM you've been with?"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Better yet. Ask her for a list of men she hasn't cheated on you with. It might be shorter.

She have any shame about this?

I seriously think you two should call it quits for her to get straightened out.

After she becomes something more closely resembling a human instead of a lizard, you two can maybe start again.

She should have never married. She wasn't ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MAJDEATH said:


> The reason she opened up is because I prodded her and reassured her that I could handle more truth, which wasn't the case. She was talking to me like a girlfriend would.
> 
> She used to be very jealous of other girls, but not so much now.


This usually means one of two things. Over time, she has come to trust you SO much that she feels safe telling you all this - finally - and that she knows you'll never cheat on her again so she's not jealous.

Or else she has come to not really care about you any more so she doesn't care if she hurts you and more by telling you the truth and she doesn't care if you hook up with other women because she's mentally un-claimed you.

If a woman's not jealous, it's because they're confident or because they don't care about the man.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> This usually means one of two things. Over time, she has come to trust you SO much that she feels safe telling you all this - finally - and that she knows you'll never cheat on her again so she's not jealous.
> 
> Or else she has come to not really care about you any more so she doesn't care if she hurts you and more by telling you the truth and she doesn't care if you hook up with other women because she's mentally un-claimed you.
> 
> If a woman's not jealous, it's because they're confident or because they don't care about the man.


Sounds like she is trying to kill off the marriage without looking like a Bitoch in the present time.

It comes to an end because "you" could not handle the truth even though she wanted to "make it work". 

Btw if she uses that quote in the book I expect to be noted!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Could be she wants to kill the M because she wants to pick back up her single lifestyle now that you two are moving back to the area when she had all her fun times with these POSOM's.

You and the M served a purpose supporting her for the past decade or so, but now she wants the freedom to get back into the 'fun'....so she divulges all this crap thinking it will make you file for D and go away.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> Background: Married for 19 yrs, both had affairs during multiple military deployments after 9/11. Both agreed to no contact rule. That was over 10 yrs ago. Doing great for now.
> 
> I ran into 2 old GFs from before the marriage. One at the grocery store, the other at the work office. Told the wife about it. Made a joke that they both gained 100 pounds since the last time I saw them 20+ years ago. She laughed and seemed OK with it.
> 
> ...


Upon further analysis of the situation, I believe she feels now in our marriage that she can be totally honest and trust that I have no intention of ever leaving her, even after hearing all of the facts.

My question to the TAM forum (and linking back to the original thread topic) is this: 

We have a no contact agreement with those that we had As with. There is one that is in our location, so we could literally "bump" into him. What is the best course of action if that happens? Ignore him and go the other way? Any input is appreciated.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I don't believe he knows that we are back in town. But obviously if he sees us he would know, and might try to initiate contact again. Perhaps a firm "don't try to contact her/us" might be in order? The A ended 10+ yrs ago so he may have no interest in contact, but just to be sure?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it sounds like you are not going to leave your wife regardless of the number of skeletons in her closet. so i am not sure what you want to hear, because what your going to hear is enough is enough, you married a habitual cheater...she feels like she has taken all the burden off her back and placed it on yours and voila no impact to her, less IC.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MAJDEATH said:


> Upon further analysis of the situation, I believe she feels now in our marriage that she can be totally honest and trust that I have no intention of ever leaving her, even after hearing all of the facts.


So about 24 hours ago, you just found out she is a SERIAL serial cheater (3 or more planned affairs) and that you were having a bad time. And just like that, you're moving on to how to keep her from seeing (one of) her OM.

What happened between then and now? How did she get you to agree that she can see other men and you'll stay?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Xenote said:


> it sounds like you are not going to leave your wife regardless of the number of skeletons in her closet. so i am not sure what you want to hear, because what your going to hear is enough is enough, you married a habitual cheater...she feels like she has taken all the burden off her back and placed it on yours and voila no impact to her, less IC.


You are missing the point of my question. If it makes it easier assume that the W cheated once one day, felt guilty and confessed the next, and I agreed to take her back on the third day with a no contact agreement as part of the R. Now it's day 4 and we run into him at the grocery store aisle. How do we handle that?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let me ask you this...what is she willing to do for you...for both of you...is she willing to do anything to keep your marriage together? Is she willing to do all the heavy lifting or are you making the rules that she will follow?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

turnera said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Upon further analysis of the situation, I believe she feels now in our marriage that she can be totally honest and trust that I have no intention of ever leaving her, even after hearing all of the facts.
> ...


Tunera you lost me somewhere? Who is seeing other men? She WAS a serial cheater, but not now. And I am reluctant to mention this, the last time they were together she was unknowingly drugged and raped, so I have some safety concerns.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Xenote said:


> Let me ask you this...what is she willing to do for you...for both of you...is she willing to do anything to keep your marriage together? Is she willing to do all the heavy lifting or are you making the rules that she will follow?


Yes, she is willing to do the work. I am not blameless either. Rules are for both of us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MAJDEATH said:


> Tunera you lost me somewhere? Who is seeing other men? She WAS a serial cheater, but not now.


I'm curious.

How does one turn off being a serial cheater? That is a mindset, a belief that you can harm the person you 'love' for your own personal gain, because you matter MORE.

What happened to change her internal core?

And what happened in the last 24 hours that she was able to convince you she'd changed?

ETA: I'm not saying this to be trite. I'm asking you because I want you to be sure you really know what you're dealing with. We've seen hundreds of men in your situation, and quite a few of them compartmentalize the 'ability' or 'tendency' to cheat because they want the marriage to survive so badly. So I just want to make sure you two have REALLY talked about this and bared your souls and you can see - for real - what she has done, is doing, to STOP being that person who puts herself first. 

The only time I've seen that happen is when the BS sets up huge boundaries and strong consequence (usually LOSING the BS or almost losing him), the cheater SUFFERS through those consequences and then sees the light and decides they'll do anything to avoid losing that BS. it's basic psychology and it works on nearly everyone. Maybe I missed it, but I haven't seen anything resembling that in your situation.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may have told her that she was free to have affairs with other men while you were deployed, but was there ever an agreement to share the names and number of people the two of you got involved with? or Did the two of you have an unspoken agreement not to discuss the details about each others affairs?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let me ask you one other question are all of the affair partners in the same town you both are at currently? because if that is the case and depending on how big the town is i am not sure how you can think that running into them together or alone will not happen and how you can be convinced that she will not talk to them if your not around....even if a no contact is in place...because she is a liar. My suggestion is to move or suck it up and realize it will happen one day. you can not predict her behavior in the future?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

morituri said:


> You may have told her that she was free to have affairs with other men while you were deployed, but was there ever an agreement to share the names and number of people the two of you got involved with? or Did the two of you have an unspoken agreement not to discuss the details about each others affairs?


We never really got to that level of detail. So no, there was no requirement to name names at the time. And it was a green light for her only, not me. I think I remember saying "I don't want to know about it, or with whom, only that it ends when I get back" or something like that.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

turnera said:


> I'm curious.
> 
> How does one turn off being a serial cheater? That is a mindset, a belief that you can harm the person you 'love' for your own personal gain, because you matter MORE.
> 
> ...


She changed a long time ago. We went thru a very difficult time (unrelated to infidelity) that rocked us to the core, and we came out stronger. She demonstrated her commitment to me and stuck with me even when others would have given up.

She also had some good IC and MC and finally came to terms with repressed SA issues. And a spiritual awakening.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say that your WW is a counselor who advises married couples who are in crisis. What is her professional opinion on what you should do if you encounter the OM in public?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Could be she wants to kill the M because she wants to pick back up her single lifestyle now that you two are moving back to the area when she had all her fun times with these POSOM's.
> 
> You and the M served a purpose supporting her for the past decade or so, but now she wants the freedom to get back into the 'fun'....so she divulges all this crap thinking it will make you file for D and go away.


Doesn't quite compute for me. If she wants the D, she could just file for the D. Nothing is stopping her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This whole thing is FUBAR.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> We never really got to that level of detail. So no, there was no requirement to name names at the time.


I may be wrong but it appears that she may not be withholding the names of the OM she was involved with from you on purpose but because it was a long time ago since she was involved with them, they only come up in her consciousness when she (along with you) happens to bump into them. 

You may want to consider telling your wife that though you appreciate her being forthcoming and honest regarding the OM she was involved with, that you would appreciate if she now stops it since it is not healthy to bring up a dark period of your marriage and courtship.



> And it was a green light for her only, not me. I think I remember saying "I don't want to know about it, or with whom, only that it ends when I get back" or something like that.


And yet you had a fling or two of your own didn't you? So even though it was supposed to have been a one sided open relationship it actually turned out to be two sided one. I'm not saying this to shame you but to point out that you were hardly a monogamous partner/spouse yourself.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Doesn't quite compute for me. If she wants the D, she could just file for the D. Nothing is stopping her.


sidney there is a lot that does not compute here. This is admittedly weak but maybe it would not make a good chapter in the book she is writing IDK.


Did someone mention sex with midget clowns?

I'm out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> Upon further analysis of the situation, I believe she feels now in our marriage that she can be totally honest and trust that I have no intention of ever leaving her, even after hearing all of the facts.QUOTE]
> 
> I'm telling you she has never really faced this and dealt with it and neither have you.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As for your question, we typically tell people to agree to tell each other immediately if the FWW sees the FOM. If you're together, you just ignore him.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sid,

I see your point, and you might very well be right.

But then again, maybe she is the type that doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy or the quitter in a LT M ending.

But if its true, then she could say,"We both cheated years ago and tried to get over it...but OP just never could get past it."

OP ends up taking the blame with family.

It's all conjecture of course.....just trying to give OP a possible explanation for why she would be divulging so much new stuff after a decade being happy....with the curious coincidence that she is returning to her A stomping grounds.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What does the Bible say? Sinners are like dogs returning to their vomit? Not saying the OP or his wife are dogs of course but...damn, this is a perfect storm brewing.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If he drugged and raped her, you might want him to know you will be talking to him if he ever speak to either of you again in this life.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Sid,
> 
> I see your point, and you might very well be right.
> 
> ...


I'm not at all certain that I'm right. And there is the point that the A partner has moved on to greener pastures by now -- unless she's secretly been in touch with him.

It is a gigantically messed up situation, especially with the WW being a therapist dealing with marital problems. She certainly can't claim ignorance of what her husband has gone through.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What does the Bible say? Sinners are like dogs returning to their vomit? Not saying the OP or his wife are dogs of course but...damn, this is a perfect storm brewing.


It certainly is. It is hard to give advice in this situation.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sid,

It may not be the AP specifically she is pining for....but the memory of the freedom of the A that his memory represents.

She may be wanting the freedom to pursue new AP's and more fun....perhaps returning to the scene of the A's has brought her a sense of nostalgia for the good times she had.

She may want to relive that....and the M to OP would be a decided roadblock to doing that.

However, she knows that just leaving the M to go chase POSOM's would be a real blow to her reputation...not only with their families, but ESPECIALLY given her career/profession.

So how can she induce OP to bite the bullet and file?.....well this TT after over a decade of successful R could be an attempt to push him to end the M, and she can say to others that they tried, but in the end he couldn't get over her A's despite the fact she had forgiven his.

He looks like an a**, and she looks like a victim while getting the freedom she wants.

Still...pure conjecture.

But OP asked what could possibly have induced her to reveal all this new TT?

This could be a POSSIBLE explanation....only OP knows his WW's personality well enough to know if it is plausible that she could think and act like this.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Blossom Leigh said:
> 
> 
> > hmmm... my troll radar is up on not only MAJ but chills
> ...


I'm still on, processing info from IC and working with longterm solutions to marriage success. Yesterday the W had a book signing event for her new novel and also a radio interview/book promotion event.

I was worried about the former AP becoming aware that she was back in town or if he tried to make contact with her. Between our counselors, her manager/agent and us, we have a viable no contact agreement and a plan for if he tries to initiate contact either when we are together, apart, or via other means of communication.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Update: last week a former colleague/mentor of my fWW died. He worked at the same location as my fWW and the 2 APs. I was concerned that 1 or both of the APs would be at the funeral/burial service, and that we would have to engage our NC rule in person. In the end, she decided that we would not attend the services, but instead we would help the family privately with child care, household chores, cooking, laundry, etc. 

I feel this is a very positive behavior, especially since she was very sure that the APs would be onsite. Turns out they were, and she removed the option of having to avoid others or ignore them if they engaged. I believe this represents a level of respect and consideration for my feelings/concerns, which is most appreciated compared to the dark period many years ago.

I thought about installing a VAR just to be sure, (in case they or her tried to make contact), but I didn't. She has earned my trust with her actions over the past 11 yrs.

I thought long and hard about confronting the one married AP who was alleged to have drugged/SA my fWW at the end of the A, but I decided against it at the recommendation of my counselor and out of respect for the deceased. Instead we put our energies into helping the family in the days after the funeral.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Another angle for her motivation for revealing all the facts about the As could be the new novel she is working on. It is a book to help couples during a crisis marriage and she is including 2 chapters on learning from her own infidelities. So perhaps she wanted to ensure that I heard all the facts from her first, before it came out in the book.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

A few years back my W wanted to speak with OM-3 when he was dying, I told her only if I go with her so she decided not to go.

We did go to his funeral service, although my W understood that for my part I was there to size up, in case of a clean sweep being called for in the future lol.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

*Re: Moved back to &quot;affair&quot; hometown after 10+ yrs*



MAJDEATH said:


> places of sexual rendezvous (from "bar parking lots or cars" to "he would come over to our house everyday at lunch plus at least 1 night every weekend, *and weird places like cemeteries and parks*"),
> 
> I had the most common visual of thinking of her having sex with the other guy *at the cemetery* and other places and not being able to get that vision out of my head.


Yesterday while driving near the cemetery in question with my W, we had some time. I pulled in and asked her where they would park for sex. She directed me to the spot behind some trees and answered my questions without being neither proud nor embarrassed. I got out and looked around and it appears that this is a popular place with others as there were condom wrappers and beer cans on the ground (or it is the same AP with a new lady?). 

Believe it or not, I was not angry and was very calm. I thanked her for showing me so that I could understand the condition/dynamic. Apparently they would go there sometimes during the day when their homes were not available (family members present) or for the rush of possibly getting caught (the affair fog was strong with this one) . They also went to a park but I have not been there, maybe next time.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It has been 4 months and about 15 counseling sessions since DDay 2. Here is a summary of where we are:

1 We categorized what happened as not so much "Affairs" in the traditional since, but more "relationships" in a virtually divorced situation. It's complicated, but really we had both decided to move on with our lives, going in different directions. We were not living together so a little different than most situations on TAM.

2 If you are truly "Virtually Divorced", do you need to/required to tell your ex details about your relationships, whether they were acceptable/legitimate/etc? For those who are reading this for the first time, short summary of her:
Her first relationship (EA) was with a single guy from work over a long period of time, and had the divorce went thru they would have gotten engaged/married. Her second relationship was with a married guy, who she had no serious intention of a LTR, but evolved into different phases of caring about each other, while feeding a sex addiction for both over a 3 yr period. OM3 was married and it was 100% physical (booty calls) for a few months, OM4 was an out of town ONS. 
For me: long term EA with married lady, possible LTR potential until I found out she lied about H. I also had a ONS.

3 I learned thru counseling to ask the more general investigative questions instead of the factual detail questions, and usually the details will spill out. One question was "Who did you get to be in this relationship", because unlike relationships with long term spouses, there really are no rules and you can be whoever you want and seek out whatever kind of person you want to be with. And the answer to that question generally demonstrates what may be lacking in your marriage, whether it's attention, appreciation, no abandonment, sexual freedom/release, etc.

4 Counselor indicated that most adults in western culture will got thru 2-3 primary relationships, some because of divorce. But a great number will deal with some form of adversity (whether it's infidelity, death of a loved one, etc) and can use this to improve their existing marriage and move into Phase 2 or Phase 3. And she demonstrated how this can be a great boost to a marriage. I feel that is where we are now. 

5 My W and I had a discussion last weekend at the table during breakfast about one part of OM3's sexual performance, because it directly related to something we were talking about at the time. I had to pause and note to her "Did you ever think years ago that we could calmly sit at the kitchen table and talk about a funny incident that occurred with a sex partner of yours, and not get anxious, or mad, or be afraid to talk about it". We are both amazed.

6 I forgot to mention that I made contact with some of the relationship partners or their spouses, and I think that helped me to both verify what my wife had stated and to understand the dynamic from the other persons viewpoint. Counselor didn't recommend this but in the end thought it was beneficial. She couldn't believe how much info the former partners were willing to share, some of it very personal. I also made contact with many mutual friends and co-workers who had knowledge of the As.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I will start a new thread in the Counseling or Reconciliation section for any discussions going forward.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Where do you get that he's remorseful? I don't see it.
> 
> He is the one that brought this up in the first place. What was the point of bringing up his wh0res? To mention they'd gotten fat? How do we know that didn't open up resentment the she still has?
> 
> ...


Her affairs were much worse!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It's Feb, 2016. We have been back almost a year now with no sightings of the FOM. I did speak to OMW twice many months ago, both to inform her of what I learned about the A and to ask her to support a NC agreement on her end, which she said she would. 

I also did communicate with her indirectly that if he ever did try to initiate contact with us, that I learned many new and interesting ways to make someone suffer during my time overseas in the service. The closest he came was viewing my LinkedIn profile.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you think that your wife coming out with all the affair details has helped our hurt your relationship?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> Do you think that your wife coming out with all the affair details has helped our hurt your relationship?


I would say initially it hurt, it hurt very bad. In all honesty, she would have been better off not telling me, except for one factor: if I had found out the facts/details about this string of OM from someone else, there would have been no chance of recovery, and she knows this about me. In my book, it is more agregious of a betrayal to not come clean and ask for forgiveness after a negative act, than the negative act itself.

It also bothers me greatly when other people may know a great deal about my W, myself, friends, our extended family, our houses, our lifestyle, financial situation, etc without my knowledge or permission. I am a private person, and I don't like people knowing things about me. My adult son knows this and has been trained very well to remain private.

In the past, my W has been the victim of identity theft, SA, burglary, etc. because she opens up to complete strangers about her life. She is much better about this as she gets older but we must remain vigilant for our safety. I believe 1 OM took advantage of this vulnerability to exploit her initially, but she was complacent in keeping the relationship going for years.

For these reasons and others, she decided to confess her relationships with 3 OM that occurred more than 10 years ago. She was initially reluctant with the details, but after I explained the importance for her to answer my questions so we could get to the root causes and contributing factors, she complied. There was no question "off limits". The picture was finally completely painted, including the frame. I could finally compare my memories of those "dark years" when we were virtually divorced to the facts from her perspective. The patterns and dynamics became evident, along with the underlying causes, and now I know what to look for so we can address it before the marriage could potentially get off track.
I think we are in a much better place now, but it was a rough journey (at times) this last 8 months. 

I also made contact with the OM, OMW, family members, and mutual friends who were involved for 2 reasons:
1 to verify/confirm information provided and
2 to demonstrate to my W that (unlike the relationships that happened before in the shadows) I would expose any future affairs to EVERYONE on my way out, if it ever happened again.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Thanks for the update. Good info.


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## CoolHandLuke (Feb 3, 2016)

I've read all your threads. For a military man you sure do put up with a ton of disrespect from your wife. Are you king of your castle? Apparently not.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

The path to greatness has some blast craters along the way.


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## CoolHandLuke (Feb 3, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> The path to greatness has some blast craters along the way.


True enough but no castle can stand with two kings. If you won't take that role, and for good, then she'll keep seeking out those who will.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

CoolHandLuke said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > The path to greatness has some blast craters along the way.
> ...


Not sure I understand what you mean, please explain. Should I "rule" with an iron fist? I thought I was currently in a partnership.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

CoolHandLuke said:


> I've read all your threads. For a military man you sure do put up with a ton of disrespect from your wife. Are you king of your castle? Apparently not.


Any day without someone shooting at me is a good day. And dealing with a little marital strife along the way is an obstacle that can be surmounted with a little work. I guess it's all about your perspective!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> I'm going to disagree with the majority. From what you've written I think that she took a brave step. You are back in the town where the physical affair took place. It is not impossible that you'd hear about some of the details since they were common knowledge at her workplace.
> 
> So she did the brave thing by telling you pretty much everything so that there would be no shocks later. And you did tell her that you could handle it.
> 
> ...


Sidney, rereading this a year later, you bring up some very good points that I may have overlooked. Thank you for the support.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sidney2718 said:


> So looking at it every which way, I think that she was brave and honest and deserves a real shot at keeping you. Talk to her, tell her your fears, and listen to her fully without jumping to conclusions.


Yeah she is a real peach. She deserves a real shot?!! I mean WTH are we talking about here. She deserves nothing, anything she gets is way more then she deserves. :banghead:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Another angle for her motivation for revealing all the facts about the As could be the new novel she is working on. It is a book to help couples during a crisis marriage and she is including 2 chapters on learning from her own infidelities. So perhaps she wanted to ensure that I heard all the facts from her first, before it came out in the book.


Dude your wife is a classic narcissist. Did she even ask you if she could right the novel? You have no idea how much better your life could be. :crying:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Dude your wife is a classic narcissist. Did she even ask you if she could right the novel? You have no idea how much better your life could be. :crying:


There you go again, looking for screws for the hammer you have in your toolkit. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Dude your wife is a classic narcissist. Did she even ask you if she could right the novel? You have no idea how much better your life could be. :crying:


I guess that's why the name of the novel is Survivor Spouse.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I think you did the right things OP, I hope all goes well in your future!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Only time will tell. We are now Dday + 14 months, and we haven't killed each other. The Chicago Cubs are on track to win the world series, so life is good.

W said yesterday that she wished that she had never revealed the truth to me, because of my negative reaction. But now she is glad that I know the truth, even if it made her look bad, which it did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Update: We are now d-day plus 2.5 yrs. Generally going well, except for a setback last year. But it is not unusual even for former drug addicts to have a partial relapse, and still get past it. And that's where I think we are. 

Our MC is down to quarterly (or as needed), and we both go to IC bi-weekly for other issues. We adjusted some of her behavioral health meds and that has been beneficial imho. She lost a close brother suddenly and that had an impact.

Life is good. Merry Christmas to all.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

BTW, only came into contact with the OM once since moving back, and it was uneventful. We discussed ahead of time what to do if that ever happens, whether alone, together, or with others. We put the plan in place with no problems - walk away and don't engage him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good update.


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