# Devestated



## Broken21 (Oct 6, 2020)

I have no idea where to start. My wife told me she wants out. We have been married for 16 years together for 19. I am 44 years old she is 39. We have 3 kids. My world is completely flipped upside down. I thought we were in a rut and I was very naïve to what was going on with her. Once she told me that she wanted out it was like a switch flipped and she just turned cold and emotionless. She said that she no longer loves me and that while I have made great strides the past few months it does not make her want to remain married to me. I am confident that there is not another man involved. She says that she has so much resentment that she does not even want to try to save our marriage. I have lost 15 lbs and I am not sleeping. I can not concentrate at work. We tried counselling and it didn't work. (for her) We are currently trying separation. I leave for a few days then she does. We will take turns on weekends. Our kids have no idea yet. I am just completely lost with the realization that she is not coming back. Everything reminds me of her. Half of my life has been with her. I just don't know how I am going to get through this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

First thing, hang in there, and breathe, and know that, as I'm sure you do, that sometimes good things come from unexpected hardships. 

This is going to be one of those cases for you. 

Start by focusing on the reality that you have to start thinking about your future self.

You'll get through this, you will.

It's horrible to hear one you thought loved you doesn't but that shock will wear off.

Know that there may be some additional hard and unsavory truths may still come out so start to firm up your solo foundation.

Usually in these cases there are more surprises coming.

She'll try to milk it, and blame you, but that will be just her words. Her saying them won't make them true.


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## Broken21 (Oct 6, 2020)

Thank you for the kind words


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hang tough my friend. 

Getting this over now is better than more years of a poor M, and still separating. 

Look at this, and it's easier said, I know, but look at the possibilities that now you can use all the experience and knowledge you've acquired to your advantage moving forward in a future with boundless opportunities.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

If there is a “third party” involved, is that deal breaker for you? I ask because chances are there is. Regardless, my advise is to consult with a divorce attorney. Knowledge is power and from what you’ve written....you’ve been in the dark way too long!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What is her resentment about?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tobyboy said:


> *If there is a “third party” involved, is that deal breaker for you? *I ask because chances are there is. Regardless, my advise is to consult with a divorce attorney. Knowledge is power and from what you’ve written....you’ve been in the dark way too long!


I doesn't really matters. Third, fourth, fifth party involved, or none at all; the fact is that the OP wife is gone. She tuned out and it wasn't yesterday, or the day before that's a long slow process that starts, little by little until the person no longer cares. It's mostly because a sense of duty that they stay that long, until the person can not longer take it, and then it's all over. No more. No matter what the husband/wife try to do to fix it, it's way too late, the person is gone from the relationship. Normally it never comes back. Some might stay out of duty/children/finances, but that's it.

OP would be better served by moving along immediately toward his own goals as a single person with children and getting his ducks in a row, so that on top of being blindsided, he doesn't get skinned alive by her lawyer (s) when he gets serve if he doesn't move fast enough. Now is the time for the OP to act not to react, because most likely, his wife is already far ahead of him in terms of legalities.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

I don't know. I'm no expert but these things happen for a reason. A wife usually doesn't just act this way without something that caused it Why did she fall out of love with you?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Broken21 said:


> I am confident that there is not another man involved.


Women don't usually "move on" unless there is another man to go to. Your wife is hiding this from you for "damage control", if she angers you, you will rip her to pieces in the divorce settlement.

She "fell out of love" because you were replaced. She considers you a "sucker" who she can manipulate, lie to, "spin", and get a "waltz" out of her marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think the children know, how can they not with first one of you and then the other moving out for a few days?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Broken,
I am so sorry you are here today, but you're not alone in this. Do you mind expanding on her resentment? Sometimes people get frustrated if they're been trying to communicate their needs and they go unheard and unaddressed. It's entirely possible there is no-one else, but her lack of forthrightness is suspicious. 

In any case, you will know more with time, for now, take care of yourself. I know that is hard to contemplate right now, but you don't want the stress to cause serious medical issues. I was in your place just over a year ago, and am still recovering from the stress of everything.

Definitely consult a lawyer and learn your rights and legalities. Also consider running a credit check on her, see if she has any secret CC/Accounts, and pull any joint bank statements and phone records. Her callousness speaks volumes about the extent of her deception, putting things in place before blindsiding you like this.

I won't lie, it's going to be grueling, especially with children to care for in the interim. Are you in therapy? I found that invaluable to get a grip on reality and to help cope. Oh, another important thing, go have a check-up with your doctor, and ask about an STD panel just in case. I know you say you're sure there's no-one else, but your wife's lack of transparency and care suggests otherwise.

Let us know how you are doing!


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Broken21 said:


> I have no idea where to start. My wife told me she wants out. We have been married for 16 years together for 19. I am 44 years old she is 39. We have 3 kids. My world is completely flipped upside down. I thought we were in a rut and I was very naïve to what was going on with her. Once she told me that she wanted out it was like a switch flipped and she just turned cold and emotionless. * She said that she no longer loves me and that while I have made great strides the past few months it does not make her want to remain married to me.* I am confident that there is not another man involved. She says that she has so much resentment that she does not even want to try to save our marriage. I have lost 15 lbs and I am not sleeping. I can not concentrate at work. We tried counselling and it didn't work. (for her) We are currently trying separation. I leave for a few days then she does. We will take turns on weekends. Our kids have no idea yet. I am just completely lost with the realization that she is not coming back. Everything reminds me of her. Half of my life has been with her. I just don't know how I am going to get through this.


My guess is that from her perspective it was too little too late. The "switch flipped" sounds like a new event (like meeting someone new) but could just be her dropping the act.

I would also bet that this is something that has been prepared for months or years in advance. There's likely some preparations already made like picking out an apartment, saving for divorce expenses, and preparing legal paperwork. You're flat footed and behind the curve compared to her emotionally and logistically. Since you mentioned that she's got a lot of resentment, I wouldn't necessarily trust mediation in establishing an equitable divorce agreement, especially since you have trouble thinking straight.

Unless one of your kids is an infant, they all know something serious is up. If she's cold and emotionless with a lot of resentment, official separation and divorce might be (probably will be) a relief for everyone.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Broken21 said:


> I have no idea where to start. My wife told me she wants out. We have been married for 16 years together for 19. I am 44 years old she is 39. We have 3 kids. My world is completely flipped upside down. I thought we were in a rut and I was very naïve to what was going on with her. Once she told me that she wanted out it was like a switch flipped and she just turned cold and emotionless. She said that she no longer loves me and that while I have made great strides the past few months it does not make her want to remain married to me. I am confident that there is not another man involved. She says that she has so much resentment that she does not even want to try to save our marriage. I have lost 15 lbs and I am not sleeping. I can not concentrate at work. We tried counselling and it didn't work. (for her) We are currently trying separation. I leave for a few days then she does. We will take turns on weekends. Our kids have no idea yet. I am just completely lost with the realization that she is not coming back. Everything reminds me of her. Half of my life has been with her. I just don't know how I am going to get through this.


I'm really, really sorry this is happening to you. Just a few points for you to think about


She resents you because she knows she has to be this way to stay committed to leaving you for whatever reason that may be. She's greatly conflicted and this isn't easy for her neither I'd presume. Her anger is also a means of keeping you at a distance so that she doesn't get soft inside and changes her position. If she was empathetic and caring at this point, you'd have an influence on her heart to the point where she might change her mind. She prefers to keep her heart hardened, as it takes a cold, but committed individual to end marriage this way. Ruthlessness requires ruthless behavior, so she's thinking she has to act this way to get the results she seeks.
Counseling only works when both are committed. Counseling doesn't create re-commitment, it provides the pathway for people who are already committed. She's not.
Don't be confident another man doesn't exists. In fact I'd give it a 75% chance another man has influenced her decision.
It's important to distinguish the possible "other man". One circumstance could be she's in a relationship that's already started and needs to be single to seize her opportunity to be with someone else. The other possibility is she's interested in starting or exploring with another man and respectfully wants to end it with you first which is noble in a sense. Either way, it's painful.
There comes a time where you have to release the person you love so that you can find another to love and to love you back. To do this you will have to except your fate as being returned into your hands and out of the hands of your wife. There's not much you can do here IMO.\
Pleas try to understand this is not your fault or wrongdoing. People change and often it has nothing to do with what you did or who you are. Some people lose themselves while trying to find something that doesn't or may not exists. Either way, nothing you can do will change much. If you try to be her white night in shining armor, she'll resent you and lose respect for you for showing fear of losing her. 

What you can do is change your outlook for yourself looking forward. It's critically important you begin to see a life without her so that you can survive and then thrive. It'll take time though, but the sooner you accept things the faster you'll move on and rebuild the emotional destruction that has taken place in you. This along with your confidence, esteem and perhaps dignity needs focused on for the next few months or years.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

We really need more information regarding what the issues in your marriage were.


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