# Maybe I made a mistake



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi...I've posted here before about my marriage, but still struggling and need to talk. I got married 4 months ago and am really frustrated with my marriage. I really feel like maybe I made a mistake, but don't know what to do about it at this point. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't want to be wasting my time in something that isn't going anywhere either.

I just turned 30. My H is 36. This is his 2nd marriage, my first. I have no children, we have not children, but he has 2 from his previous marriage. His S is 14 and his D is 11. He barely ever sees them. That is part of the problem between us. He always claimed he was too busy with his job to really get to spend time with his kids, and I saw it happen when he had scheduled time off and then had to cancel his plans and go back to work. However, he changed jobs in March and still has not seen his children. He saw them 1 day this summer for our wedding, but hasn't had them out here to visit since last Christmas. He claims he has no time, but he does. Actually, this past week, he has hardly worked because he is deer hunting. I'm glad he has a hobby and is now getting to do his hobby, but what about his kids??? This has really started to bother me and now I wonder if I should even consider having children with him. What if he doesn't have time for them either? He asks why I can't at least give him a chance....but I told him that having children isn't something you can reverse if it doesn't work out.

Not like we are headed to have children anytime soon seeing as I am in a sexless marriage. We have had sex 3 times since being married.....and 1 of those times was on our honeymoon. NONE of those times was on our wedding night. That was ruined because he got upset at me and yelled. His mother (who is not very nice) texted him in the middle of our wedding night about bringing his son to the hotel early in the morning so she could leave. I was upset because she had been trying to sabatoge our wedding from day 1. Then he yelled at me for being upset about the whole thing. Needless to say, this ruined our wedding night and it is kind of hard to feel sexual toward someone when something like that happens.

He is constantly upset at me about something. Not meaning that I don't get upset too. I do. But when he gets upset, he won't talk, holds it in for days, acts like everything is fine, then blows up. Half the time he won't even come to bed....just sleeps on the couch and then claims it was an accident. He just fell asleep watching tv. We had a fight about this this morning. In the past, he admitted that he has been lazy about lots of things since we married (us, kids, housework, friends, family.....), but this morning he said it was all me, that I was causing the problems and that I was miserable all the time. This is not true. I have not been miserable. It's kind of sad because I think he is on the verge of being very depressed and he doesn't see it. This morning I told him I think I made a big mistake, and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I married him for all the wrong reasons. For security, rather than love or passion. We've never really had passion or much romance. But he is safe.....wrong reasons to marry, I know now.

I don't even feel like I find my H attractive anymore. Part of it is just that I'm not physically attracted to him. Part of it is because of his actions and comments. I don't know how to be attracted to someone who is lazy about his life and relationships. The problem with his kids has started to become a huge turnoff. 

I am open to any advice. Thanks for reading.


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## MarriagedNTired (Dec 5, 2010)

I commend you on the fact that you want him to be apart of his kids life. It would scare me bc if you ever decvided to have kids would he do it to your kids as well if things didn't work out.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Being in a relationship where my spouse has kids, I have the opportunity to see him as a father before we have children together. There are many things that maybe should've sent up red flags before the marriage, things about the kids I mean. But he always talked like things were just hard because of his job. I should've pushed harder. Now he tells me that he has tried in the past and that she never lets him see them unless he drives 6 hours to see them. He tells me that I don't even know what he's been through. True, because he never tells me about his past. But I still don't think that gives him any reason to not see his kids. He claims he has 50/50 custody, so that gives him enough rights to have his kids here and make her share the driving. I wouldn't think it matters even if he only sees them an hour.


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## MarriagedNTired (Dec 5, 2010)

My husband had issues as well with his kids mothers, notice there are 2 mothers. We just went to court to get visitation as well and they are still making it hard but we still get them every other weekend and on our holidays. If he wants to be there and there is a 50/50 then he can take her back to court if she doesn't let him see them but if he can find time to go hunting then he can make a drive or you two can take vacation to see the kids.

I had a child when I met my husband and my ex husband does not see our child as he should so I know how it can affect a child so I made sure that my husband was not a deadbeat as the mother's told me before. I do think he plays a little favoritism towards his son than his daughter at times but he pays his child support on time, goes to their activies, and picks them up. So if he wants to be in his kids life he would do it and you shouldn't have to ask him. My husband works 12 hours and he still does not. Of course I do most of the watching them bc of his hours which has been one of the problems in our marriage but it is not the kids fault. He is a very good father all in all.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

My H definitely pays his child support on time, but money isn't everything. Now that we are together, it should help him to be able to have his kids visit because I will help watch them. They don't have to be alone when he is at work. If he truly has 50/50 custody, then shouldn't that mean that she can't take away his right to see the kids?? I really don't think that is the problem anymore. I don't think his kids really want to come see him because they don't know him anymore. You can't just be a dad at Christmas. They were going to come here a week this summer before the wedding and right before they said they would rather go to the fair at their moms than come. I was mad at my H's ex wife, feeling that she did this, but now I understand that they don't want to come see their dad because they never have.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

It sounds like this is a pretty bad situation to be in.

You fought on your wedding night? You've only had sex 3 times in months? He hardly ever sees his own children? Those are some SERIOUS red flags. Can you live the rest of your life with that much fighting, that little sex, and that little happiness to a man who isn't even that great of a father? 

Honestly, he has had years to establish those patterns and habits, and I doubt he will be able to change even with counseling.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How far away do you live from his children?

How long did you have a relationship before marrying?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

lime said:


> It sounds like this is a pretty bad situation to be in.
> 
> You fought on your wedding night? You've only had sex 3 times in months? He hardly ever sees his own children? Those are some SERIOUS red flags. Can you live the rest of your life with that much fighting, that little sex, and that little happiness to a man who isn't even that great of a father?
> 
> Honestly, he has had years to establish those patterns and habits, and I doubt he will be able to change even with counseling.


I agree with these things. That's why I am so frustrated right now. I don't know how to end things at this point. If we were just dating, I would leave. But now that we are married, I don't know what to do. 

Yes, we fought on our wedding night. I was upset about his mom interrupting us. I had the right to be upset because he lets her walk all over him and now she was interrupting our special night. Then he yelled at me. This was a side of him I hadn't seen yet....and to have it come out on our wedding night was pretty sad. How do I move on from that?

I waited 30 years to find the right man. I've always been one to think things through (sometimes too much it seems). I really felt I was making the right decision when marrying him. I'm not afraid to admit a mistake, but should I really "give up" so soon?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

michzz said:


> How far away do you live from his children?
> 
> How long did you have a relationship before marrying?


They are in the same state, and I thought it was over 6 hours (that's what he always said). However, I just looked it up on mapquest and it is only 4.5 hours (and that's now after we live 30 minutes further than he was before we married) He made the choice to move away 7 or so years ago. He moved home a while back but said he wasn't making enough money so moved back here.

We have known each other for 3 years. I dated his best friend. Then, after his best friend and I broke up, we didn't see each other for about 2 years. We became acquainted again when my ex was in a motorcycle accident and passed away. We were always very good friends and we started hanging out a lot. He wanted more, I didn't, but eventually he grew on me as more than a friend. We were together less than a year before marrying. Stupid now that I think of it, but everyone was supportive (except his psychotic mom that isn't even really a part of his life). My family, who normally would push me to wait before becoming too serious, was soooo supportive. They wanted us to be married. But as we were planning the wedding this summer, things started going down hill. I chalked it up to me being away planning at my parent's house and him being busy in a new job with summer harvest. 

And we used to talk and share everything and now he clams up about everything and gets upset about the littlest things. He seems like the female in the relationship a lot of times. I think he is depressed.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> I agree with these things. That's why I am so frustrated right now. I don't know how to end things at this point. If we were just dating, I would leave. But now that we are married, I don't know what to do.
> 
> Yes, we fought on our wedding night. I was upset about his mom interrupting us. I had the right to be upset because he lets her walk all over him and now she was interrupting our special night. Then he yelled at me. This was a side of him I hadn't seen yet....and to have it come out on our wedding night was pretty sad. How do I move on from that?
> 
> I waited 30 years to find the right man. I've always been one to think things through (sometimes too much it seems). I really felt I was making the right decision when marrying him. I'm not afraid to admit a mistake, but should I really "give up" so soon?


I'm sorry that you're so frustrated. Unfortunately he might not be the "right man" that you've been waiting for... I know that it's tough to just up and leave now that you're married, but you might want to ask yourself some more questions about the relationship...Do you really want to be building a future and having kids with this person? If you're hesitant, it might be a sign that it's not meant to be. To me, he definitely doesn't sound like a good father at all, and having kids with him would be a mistake in my book. You're only 30, which is really young in the scheme of things...there's still plenty of time to end this bad relationship, get better acquainted with yourself, and move on. But that's my opinion--you're the one who knows him best and knows if it's at all possible for him to change.

I would suggest counseling as a space for you to work out your own feelings about this. Marital counseling might also be beneficial, but if he's clamming up now, then he might not want to go or contribute to discussions during counseling. Personal counseling might be a good way for you to talk through your thoughts and feelings and come to a decision about what you think is best.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can fix yourself, not someone else.

You can be empathetic to his confusing problems, however, you have to let him know your limits.

And he not wanting sex?

Address that specifically with him!

No waffling.

Maybe with a MC?

If he won't deal?

Time to cut your losses.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I tell him I'm frustrated because we haven't had sex for 2 months.

Nothing changes.

I tell him I need him to spend time with his kids to know that he will be a good dad to ours. 

Nothing changes.

Nothing ever changes. I've been frustrated about his kids a lot and we have discussions about it and our sex life a lot. He says he would do anything to make me happy and that he loves me and wants to have a family with me. Then why won't he go to the ends of the earth to prove that to me? 

Am I asking too much? 

Am I asking too much by asking my H to be the one to initiate sex?

Am I asking too much by asking my H to stand up and be the man in the relationship?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No you are not but he is not suffering any consequences for staying exactly the way he is. By his actions he is telling you he does not care how you feel it is not important enough to change. Now you have to decide if you are going to allow him to ignore you and carry on with more of the same or get out. 

You married a man you did not know, now that you know the man he is, can you say you love him? Would have married such a man in the first place. You can settle for a life of misery bring children into this miserable situation and in 10 years be fed up and divorce. Or you can get out now and find someone more suitable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Everything I hear is probably exactly what I would tell other people. It's just so hard to make that decision myself. At least I am exploring the possibility now that I just made a mistake. He really is a good guy, though, and I don't want to hurt him. I think I've decided I want to go to counseling first and see if a counselor can help me make sense of things before I make any kind of decision.


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