# his libido torpedoed -any insights?



## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

H and I are in our late 50's and have been together for 37 years. As a woman I found my libido has changed over the years
-high when we were dating and early in the relationship-all the time

-lower as each of 3 children were born -less time, more stress, parenting exhaustion- 1x a week

-medium as the kids got more independent -1-2x a week

-lower after a hysterectomy- horomones, weight gain, depression....bottomed out- I often turned him down and looked to avoid it whenever i could -this lasted 4ish years

-high after going on wellbutrin (doesnt effect libido) -lost weight, started hobbies again, enjoyed life-
-also suspected H of having an A with a co worker -I admitted I'd had one 25 years previously at this time-(never proved his but lots of red flags)- we went to MC worked on the marriage and were happier and closer than we'd ever been...lots of sex anywhere, anytime, lots of affection,hysterical bonding at its finest...lasted about 3 years

medium- 2-3 x a week -hysterical bonding over but marriage good, lots of sex, lots of cuddling and affection

ALL OF THESE VARIATIONS IN LIBIDO WERE MINE- H never waivered (other than during the 6 months I thought he was having at least an EA) 

NOW-low -1x a month for the last 3 months only when I instigated and when I bring it up it is avoided or put off...he has said when asked directly what is wrong as this is completely not like him

-he's had headaches (he has for about 6 mos- saw a neurologist and had 2 MRI's all came back normal

-he's worried about his heart (had become dizzy at work several times so was sent to a cardiologist who ran a whole lot of tests and all came back normal)

- he had a stye on his eye....(really?....) also ingrown toenail....

-had problems with a tooth (which was rectified)

-couldnt sleep (said our new mattress made him feel anxious and dizzy so had to sleep on the couch or in the spare room- I read that memory foam mattresses can cause allergic reactions such as those so I returned the new mattress and bought another one - he has returned to the bed

-said he was worried because I had a hip replacement- I had been cleared by the dr and assured him it was fine

-he said that its age he cant be expected to continue to have a high libido as he gets older

Soooooooooo any thoughts? My first thought is that he is having an EA/PA....but I developed OCD around this so I think everything points to an affair- I cant rely on my thoughts

Am I just being unempathetic? am I unattractive now


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Definitely some avoidance issues. I wouldn’t jump right to EA/PA unless you have troubles elsewhere in the marriage. Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Sometimes it can take a nose dive with various medical issues. 

I will say that a spouse whose libido is all over the place including years at zero takes an emotional toll on the man. MC hopefully fixed that. 


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Hmmmmmmm.....also I have suggested going away to an all inclusive several times- (we have gone 1-2x a year for the past 5 years ) and he has made excuses not to go as well
- said I wouldnt be able to walk the beaches (I am way ahead of where I should be in my physio- although I couldnt run a 5k) I still think I look good 
-said didnt want to go anywhere until I had 2nd hip done and I am fully recooped - that would mean no vacation for 2 years
-said it was too expensive
-said he didnt want to go to a different place than where we usually go
-then said he wanted to go to a different place
-when I got upset he said "he didnt "mind" going with me....I said I dont want to go on a trip with him if he doesnt "want" to go
Its just all such a change- a few months ago we were holding hands and sleeping in each others arms- now he rolls to the edge of the mattress away from me

Is it just too much stress? age? I really dont know what to think


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

First, I'd want him to have medical check-up--T, ED issues?, depression, energy, etc. Then I'd worry about other possibilities--guilt, mind movies, affairs past or present, how old was his dad when health deteriorated? You feeling his rejection can be tough for both. Maybe go back to MC since was effective before.

Are there red flags now. Was affair possibility discussed?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'd look at medical issues and especially medication first. Age can do it - some men lose their libidos rather suddenly.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

aaarghdub said:


> Definitely some avoidance issues. I wouldn’t jump right to EA/PA unless you have troubles elsewhere in the marriage. Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Sometimes it can take a nose dive with various medical issues.
> 
> I will say that a spouse whose libido is all over the place including years at zero takes an emotional toll on the man. MC hopefully fixed that.
> 
> ...


Yes absolutely avoidance- no troubles in the marriage that I can think of- No money problems, kids are grown and good, we had become so close I thought. I suggested he check his T levels and he refused. He said he's had enough medical appointments and doesnt want to take more time off work. He feels there is nothing wrong.

The medical issues have all turned out to be nothing. Maybe the stress of him thinking there was something wrong all the time?

I absolutely understand how my varied libido took a toll on him. I actually didnt understand that till reading various threads here and realizing how demoralizing it can be for the husband to be rejected. MC recommended I watch the TED video "mating in captivity" that along with reading mens viewpoints on here turned things around- gave me empathy and understanding. He never discussed his feelings about it except to say that during the 6 months he stopped wanting sex years ago (when I suspected an EA/PA) it was because he was tired of being turned down.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

The TEDtalk is great, the audiobook is really good.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

NJ2 said:


> Its just all such a change- a few months ago we were holding hands and sleeping in each others arms- now he rolls to the edge of the mattress away from me


This part does not sound like just loss of libido. Many sexless marriages still have lots of physical contact like hand holding, cuddling on the couch, sleeping in each other arms, etc. The fact that he's avoiding all intimate contact would lead me to think there's something like stress, depression, or something like that.



NJ2 said:


> He never discussed his feelings about it except to say that during the 6 months he stopped wanting sex years ago (when I suspected an EA/PA) it was because he was tired of being turned down.


I'm guessing he's looking back and thinking about the future. It could be the past variations in frequency have taken it's toll on his psyche. Often when men are rejected, they feel like complete failures and losers because they can't get their wife to desire them. When it goes on and on, that loss of confidence can take on a life of its own.

Sometimes in a long marriage, the couple becomes more like business partners running a family. Are you guys each other's best friends? Do you light up when you see each other, spend lots of time having heartfelt talks, have fun, etc? All the stuff you do when you see your best friend is the same stuff you should be doing with each other. If you two have drifted apart emotionally, he may be losing that spark that makes him desire you.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I second the business partner comments. We’re in our mid-40s and have hit that stage. Kids, peri-menopause, her emerging childhood trauma and daddy issues are doing a number on me. While I love my wife, lately I realized two things. First, despite traveling 120 days a year for work I look forward to coming home but she emotionally disconnects. But when I’m home, there is no passion or joy (just resentment/existing) we don’t have much too talk about and complains about me being gone. One on-one dates are like business lunches. All superficial. While I’ve told my wife how I feel about her I don’t get it in return and that kills libido from an emotional POV. I think a lot of women that get excited about sex again are sometimes at a loss when after all these years their partner isn’t interested. Like the other poster said who wants to have sex with someone that feels like the other doesn’t truly desire them. I’m guessing there is a major emotional disconnect between the two of you. Especially after erratic desire on your part.

Men crave emotional connection thru sex... cut that off and well you can’t be surprised with the consequences. Also I think if you’re not addressing other needs that becomes a cancer. In my case, her inability to display genuine love and affection (amongst other things) is destroying me inside.

Now that being said, anxiety and stress does manifest itself in other physical symptoms. So maybe some time with a counselor would be helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has he had his blood glucose levels checked for diabetes? Is he a healthy weight? Does he east healthily and exercise? 
Are there any signs of an affair? Differences in his behaviour? 

I hoenstly wouldn't blame yourself at all. In a long marriage there are ups and downs in sex as well as anything else.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would insist he has his T-levels checked, the affects _so much_ about a man. 

Also, is he on antidepressants? Any new ones? Meds can really mess with a person too.

Went through this with my XH, and both things were causing low libido.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Hey, I was on Wellbutrin too. Did increase my libido also. My libido has always been much higher than my wife’s. Now in my late sixties it is low. It happens as men get older. Lower Testosterone and also medications. I lost my libido completely when my PDOC took me off the Wellbutrin and put me on something else. Also other medications interfered with my libido too. 

As I got older I went from wanting sex every day to once a week is good enough, and maybe even once every two weeks. Also keep in mind that some people are reactive when it comes to sex. That means they do not feel horny, but once in bed and it starts, they get horny. My wife is reactive rather than proactive. Last night was a good example. She was not in the mood, but I had her screaming out her orgasm in under 3 minutes from the time we started. This all part of getting old. Check his meds, if any. Low testosterone is not uncommon in us old guys. He can be tested for low testosterone.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@NJ2 , That all sounds pretty familiar, are you married to my wife? I know that your hip situation would have me rethinking vacations. I think he just isn't perky enough to plan a vacation that he would be happy with. Depression, stress can do that. Today I just don't care. I wasted the whole day Sunday, just wishing she would talk to me. All I got were 2 lists of aches and pains. I can't live on that. I can't hold on to an emotional connection.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NJ2 said:


> -high after going on wellbutrin (doesnt effect libido) -lost weight, started hobbies again, enjoyed life-
> -also suspected H of having an A with a co worker -I admitted I'd had one 25 years previously at this time-(never proved his but lots of red flags)- we went to MC worked on the marriage and were happier and closer than we'd ever been...lots of sex anywhere, anytime, lots of affection,hysterical bonding at its finest...lasted about 3 years
> 
> medium- 2-3 x a week -hysterical bonding over but marriage good, lots of sex, lots of cuddling and affection


So, apparently he wasn't holding anything against you during this period; earlier affair; varying libido.

So, why now?

Odd that he would suddenly change. It was sudden, right?



NJ2 said:


> Soooooooooo any thoughts? My first thought is that he is having an EA/PA....but I developed OCD around this so I think everything points to an affair- I cant rely on my thoughts
> 
> Am I just being unempathetic? am I unattractive now


No, *you are not unattractive now*. Get that damaging thought out of your mind.

It's not the testosterone levels, it's the lack of willingness to work on the problem.

How was the once a month sex at the end? Did he still easily get erections? 

If not, then it could be fear of failure; performance anxiety.

Otherwise, I'd have to think EA/PA (though, why now?)

or, for some reason, the past suddenly came back to piss him off.

No matter what, he should be talking about this with you.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

wilson said:


> This part does not sound like just loss of libido. Many sexless marriages still have lots of physical contact like hand holding, cuddling on the couch, sleeping in each other arms, etc. The fact that he's avoiding all intimate contact would lead me to think there's something like stress, depression, or something like that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The period of my low libido was 2011-2014 
After that unfortunate period it was very high for most of the next 4 years due to hysterical bonding. I would have felt that period should have cleared up any issues he had as far as him being desirable? Perhaps when the HB died off and things were no longer filled with those extremes of passion he started to reflect on the past.

During the 4 years of MC and efforts of reconciliiation we opened up to each other. We became for the first time like best friends. I took up golf and was his go to golf partner. I took up pool and would have great fun going out to a billiard room for a few games with him. We went to water excercise classes together to prepare better for my surgery, when we would go to dinner we sat side by side instead of across from each other so we could be closer. We bought a dilapitated old farmhouse and renovated it top to bottom together...

Now- it seems like he is gone all the time- busy working side jobs, visiting his mother, there is always something
He comes home later in the evening and will fall asleep watching tv. If we are going for dinner he asks the kids to come with us, if we go to the farmhouse it is only so he can work on something - never so that we can enjoy it as we used to (it was our getaway place to spend time alone together)


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> First, I'd want him to have medical check-up--T, ED issues?, depression, energy, etc. Then I'd worry about other possibilities--guilt, mind movies, affairs past or present, how old was his dad when health deteriorated? You feeling his rejection can be tough for both. Maybe go back to MC since was effective before.
> 
> Are there red flags now. Was affair possibility discussed?


The medical check is out of the question at this time- I have asked and he has stubbornly said no- hes had enough dr visits and tests done and he sees nothing wrong with this "change".

No ED issues that I can tell. In 38 years together he only had 1 incident of ED and that was during the time I thought he was having an A - he had worked with OW for about 12 hours straight - he could have just been tired but to me it was signs of having previously performed that day.

His dad died of a heart attack when he was about 10 years older than H is now. Perhaps that knowledge is weighing on his mind thus all the health complaints and testing. But again, it all came back negative.

Red flags now.....
he has no libido.....
he has pulled back emotionally
he avoids opportunities to be intimate or alone with me
he spends a good deal of time doing side jobs away from home
he lacks the interest and joy he once had for pleasurable pasttimes with me
he has little interest in going on vacation with me
he does not cuddle in bed or on the couch anymore

These could all be signs of depression, low T, or his age catching up to him (previously people regularly thought he was 15-20 years younger than he actually is.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@Diana7 and @spicey
He is only on a prostrate pill which he has been on for years -its never had any negative effect, He was put on 2 different antidepressents for about a week each as a migraine preventative. I dont think the side effects would still be in effect though.

He is a healthy weight - maybe 10 pounds more than usual. He has a job which is somewhat physical and is always on the move doing something- 
but excercise...after he had issues with his knee he gave up his sport (this happened 4 years ago and I thought maybe the self esteem drop from having to give it up (he excelled at his sport and it was very much part of his identity) along with my lack of interest in him sexually at the time propelled him towards an A (much younger woman who looked up to him and gave him constant ego kibbles-pretty sure she had daddy issues as well) Im not saying that excuses his EA/PA but citing it as a possible precursor.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@Vinnydee I have read your posts often over the years. If a drop in libido can happen to you it can happen to anyone!
Perhaps then age is the biggest factor... 
I would say the few times we have had sex in the past while he has been reactive. I should be greateful for that.
Did you ask your dr to put you back on Wellbutrin? I would have no drive without it.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@ Buddy400 -my thoughts exactly - we seem to have worked through all of that. He even said as painful as those 4 years were while we were working through it he was grateful for how close we became, the restoration to our sex life and the fact that he felt he finally got to know me. He felt we were closer than we'd ever been.

It seemed very sudden. He was off work for a few months while awaiting medical tests- everything seemed normal mostly under the circumstances. He returned to work....that seemed to be the day things changed. This of course makes me think OW is involved... although he says 2 weeks before he went back to work she went off sick and has been off ever since.

He assures me he has not seen or heard from her in over 6 months and has nothing to do with her. However...he has lied in the past about such things. He said years ago when I thought something was going on that he hadnt spoken to her while she was off sick but I showed him phone records that proved he had at least once for half an hour. He also had told me she was off sick one day but then I saw a text from her telling him who was going to be late to work that day....About a year ago he told me he was at work in the lunchroom, had just got there, she was off sick, henwas staying a half hour then leaving...when in reality he was parked in front of an apartment building across from a park at least 15 minutes from work.

There was never any real explanation for that lie. He said he thought i'd get mad at him for leaving work early, had pulled over to take a phone call, was angry at me for snooping on his phone...none of that makes for a good explanation.

@Mr.Nail and @ aaarghdub I am so sorry that your wives do not appreciate you. Many women would give up a decade of their life to have a husband that desires and needs them. I hope you both can find some happiness or at least contentment in these situations. I'm sure counselling has been brought up. Keep trying.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm sorry NJ that this is happening after all the effort you both have put in. I suggest you keep your mouth closed and eyes wide open. There may be plausible explanations but if that woman is still around, then it could have started up again. If necessary get a PI, put a VAR in his car, you know the drill.
Do not broach the subject again with him, act normal. Do your own thing, go your own places. Show no interest or suspicion, and ensure this woman is really out of the picture or no-one else is in it.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NJ2 said:


> It seemed very sudden. He was off work for a few months while awaiting medical tests- everything seemed normal mostly under the circumstances. He returned to work....that seemed to be the day things changed. This of course makes me think OW is involved... although he says 2 weeks before he went back to work she went off sick and has been off ever since.


I would think that the time off work awaiting medical tests was very hard for him; a very self reliant man who's worth is probably largely driven my his work.

Obviously, it would be nice if he could talk honestly with you about what's going on. But, that's exactly what he's always had problems doing.

Looking at your older posts for background, I realized that you're Nurse Jackie and thought OMG, what did I do, suggesting that your H might be in an EA/PA?!

Maybe his illness (or what ever it was that had him off work) lead him to doubt his manhood, going back to work brought him in contact with his designated worshiper (and the associated ego kibbles) and then he started to rewrite the past with you to justify getting the ego boosts from her. If he's happy with you (and he was), how could he justify his EA? He can't. So, he has to decide he's unhappy with you. 

Very distressing. Especially in your situation.

Any chance you can afford a PI without him finding out? 

You can't twist in the wind like in the past and obsess over VAR's etc. You've done that and it almost destroyed you.

It seems like he needs people to think he's wonderful (which it seems like he largely is). The work woman feeds this. Could your asking him to do stuff be interpreted (my an overly emotionally fragile man) as dissatisfaction with him?

Can you focus on building him up emotionally (assuming you want to)?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> If not, then it could be fear of failure; performance anxiety.
> 
> Otherwise, I'd have to think EA/PA (though, why now?)
> 
> or, for some reason, the past suddenly came back to piss him off.


Honestly, these are the things that came to mind. Not saying that low T couldn't be part of the problem, but much of this doesn't quite seem to line up. My libido had been moving down for a while, and after getting bloodwork done, it was confirmed that I had low T. That being said, I would have still been willing to work with my W on things if everything else in the marriage was ok. The times where I was avoiding my W, it was not b/c of my libido but other issues in the marriage (the low libido just made it easier to deal with). Something is quite wrong here which I think goes beyond getting bloodwork done (I guess best case scenario would be he has low t and performance anxiety is causing his avoidance, but just don't feel like that fits in this case, IDK ...)


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NJ2 said:


> H and I are in our late 50's and have been together for 37 years. As a woman I found my libido has changed over the years........Soooooooooo any thoughts? My first thought is that he is having an EA/PA....but I developed OCD around this so I think everything points to an affair- I cant rely on my thoughts
> 
> Am I just being unempathetic? am I unattractive now





NJ2 said:


> ......*-when I got upset he said "he didnt "mind" going with me....I said I dont want to go on a trip with him if he doesnt "want" to go*
> Its just all such a change- a few months ago we were holding hands and sleeping in each others arms- now he rolls to the edge of the mattress away from me
> 
> Is it just too much stress? age? I really dont know what to think





NJ2 said:


> Yes absolutely avoidance- no troubles in the marriage that I can think of- No money problems, kids are grown and good, we had become so close I thought. *I suggested he check his T levels and he refused*. *He said he's had enough medical appointments and doesnt want to take more time off work. He feels there is nothing wrong.*
> 
> The medical issues have all turned out to be nothing. *Maybe the stress of him thinking there was something wrong all the time?*
> 
> *I absolutely understand how my varied libido took a toll on him.*......*He never discussed his feelings about it except to say that during the 6 months he stopped wanting sex years ago (when I suspected an EA/PA) it was because he was tired of being turned down.*





NJ2 said:


> The medical check is out of the question at this time- I have asked and he has stubbornly said no- hes had enough dr visits and tests done and he sees nothing wrong with this "change".
> 
> No ED issues that I can tell. .........Red flags now.....
> he has no libido.....
> ...


As a 70 year old man, I have a few suggestions.

First, it is not your appearance that is the problem.

You really need to talk to your husband about your concerns, fears and hopes.

It sounds like for a while you pushed him away emotionally, and he told you he gave up on sex because he didn't want to be turned down anymore. Did you listen? Did you apologize and change things? 

You said that you don't want to travel with him if he really isn't into it and wants to be there with you. Maybe your H felt and feels the same way about sex with you. I bet he does.

The red flags you point out sure sound like an H who has emotionally checked out of his marriage.

My advice is that you need to figure out what you want. You need to communicate it to your H. You need to then negotiate with him to learn what he needs and meet his needs as well as just expecting him to meet your needs.

Now for some specifics. Start by making him feel loved and cherished. Once he feels loved and cherished you might be surprised what he might do for you. I strongly recommend the book by Chapman, the 5 Languages of Love. I was shocked at how my wife and I were saying "I love you" to each other for decades, but neither of us understood what the other was saying and than neither of us felt loved in our own love languages. I changed that and it has a huge impact on my wife who had emotionally withdrawn from our marriage and who refused to have sex with me. 

May I also suggest the book by MW David, Divorce Busting and/or her other book the Sex Starved Marriage or the Sex Starved Wife. Probably start with the later as it should make you feel that you are not alone in this problem and that there are lots of people who have found ways out of this swamp of emotional crisis.

You need to focus on yourself. You need to change yourself so you are not clingy and needy for sex with him. You also need to show him love and make him feel loved and cherished. And above all you need to learn how to turn him down for sex at times without destroying his ego (at least until his confidence in himself and your relationship returns).

Good luck.

P.S. I have survived a sex starved marriage with an LD wife. She emotionally destroyed me, I got fed up, changed myself and the way I treated her, got help with a Sex Therapist & Marriage counselor, rebuilt our sex life and our marriage survived.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

@NJ2

There's a LOT of history behind your story and without reading it all, it's hard to give good advice.

After having re-read a lot of it (and remembering a lot more), I'm pretty sure that this isn't a story about blowback from a low sex period in the past and I'm pretty sure there's no PA here.

My guesses are:

It is very important to your husband that others, and especially you, think well of him.

It is very important to your husband that he be seen as a very capable man.

Things said to him (particularly by you) which would roll right off most other men may be very hurtful to him (and you'd probably never imagine that anything you said could have been taken that way).

My guess is that somehow (starting around the time of his health problems) he has become too vulnerable to you. The only way he can protect himself is to withdraw emotionally so that you can't hurt him.

Examine anything you might have said or done which he might have mistakenly (probably) taken as your opinion of him being lowered around the time it went wrong.

Be 100% complimentary of him and what he means to you and how fabulous he is (assuming you pretty much believe it). Don't question his capability to do anything. It doesn't sound like you've been overprotective of his health, but if you have, stop doing that. 

Another possibility is if, when he has has sex recently, he hasn't been able to perform. To a guy like him, not performing is unacceptable. Disappointing YOU is unacceptable. He'd be better off coming up with reasons not to try than to try and risk failure. But you haven't said anything about recent performance problems, so I'm discounting that.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> @NJ2
> 
> There's a LOT of history behind your story and without reading it all, it's hard to give good advice.
> 
> ...



Recent sex -although very infrequent- was initiated by me, and quite satisfactory. 

Wow @Buddy400 -I think you may have hit the nail on the head!!! He is exactly as you describe him. Those are his needs. This makes sense. It was a bit hard for me to read what you wrote as I hate to think of myself as being inconsiderate of his feelings after all our hard work- but in all honesty you have opened my eyes to this fact. 

Truth be told I HAVE disliked the fact that he has been vulnerable throughout this time. 

I have said things like OMG its a stye in your eye....it looks monstrous but its not the end of the world.....its an ingrown toenail.....gross but not deadly...and then there was the whole I'm allergic to the new mattress thing....he said he couldn't lay down on the bed without being dizzy and having a panick attack....its a mattress come on...who is allergic to a mattress...? (he was)

I had made uncomplimentary comments re his missing tooth- they were meant to be funny- he is normally so handsome that it is now shocking when he smiles. He laughed -but looking at it from a more sympathetic side it probably wasn't funny to him and he may have taken it to heart and felt unattractive. 

I was overprotective of his health during the heart/migraine issues- I probably drove him crazy telling him not to do this or that... certainly could have made him feel less capable, less vigorous. 

I also went behind his back and contacted his sisters (dr, and married to a dr) to get their opinions and to use their influence to move him up the line for testing etc. I don't know if he knows I did that or they kept it quiet but I was feeling quite desparate at times. They were talking tumours...heart attacks, MS.....it was all quite daunting and I was a little loopy from the painkillers and my own pain. 

My comments were probably an expression of my own anxiety. I'd hate to think I was just a *****!

Your suggestions are taken to heart. I will be very careful in the future. I will build him up with more admiration and appreciation. I do those things because I know they are important to him -but I would say my negative comments during this time nullified those efforts.

BRAVO Buddy!! I feel this mystery is solved and I can fix it!! 

Interesting note- today was the first time in 4 years H decided he was going to try and play his sport again. My son encouraged him to play on a less competitive team more focussed on fun with less chance for injury.
As he went out the door he said he was excited and you could tell it meant a lot to him.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NJ2 said:


> Recent sex -although very infrequent- was initiated by me, and quite satisfactory.
> 
> Wow @Buddy400 -I think you may have hit the nail on the head!!! He is exactly as you describe him. Those are his needs. This makes sense. It was a bit hard for me to read what you wrote as I hate to think of myself as being inconsiderate of his feelings after all our hard work- but in all honesty you have opened my eyes to this fact.
> 
> ...


To be clear, it's far more excessive sensitivity on his part than lack of consideration on yours.

I suspect your husband and I share a few quirks


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@Buddy400 well that makes me feel better and I'm so glad you were able to see it from his angle. I think women never give men- especially their husbands -credit for being sensitive. I have enjoyed the softer side of H in these past few years, but was scared of any real physical vulnerability.

When H came home last night DD and I both asked all about the game and said we were so happy that he has put himself out there again. DD also gave him some other compliments as we had discussed how this (playing the game again)was an important ego boost for him. I made him a nice dinner, admired his garage cleaning and told him I'd get up early in the morning and make his tea and breakfast.....

Seemed to do the trick- this morning HE initiated and looks like hes back in the saddle again


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NJ2 said:


> @Buddy400 well that makes me feel better and I'm so glad you were able to see it from his angle. I think women never give men- especially their husbands -credit for being sensitive. I have enjoyed the softer side of H in these past few years, but was scared of any real physical vulnerability.


I am invulnerable to everything and everyone; except my wife.

She could destroy me.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

NJ2, sometimes people just wear out from working most of the time and see things not improving as much as they would like. Maybe your H is just seeing all the work he did in the past and it doesn't add up to him, so he withdraws to be alone sometimes. I will admit that most of my self worth came from the work I did and the money I earned.

My W is critical of so many small things, I just gave up trying to please her I do what I see that needs being done in my way. I have gotten that way with the older children and the grand children. It is give, give, give. It gets old. BTW, sex dried up years ago. Too many complaints and I had to jump through too many hoops

I am not saying your H is like me but saying sometimes I have to do my thing my way, which might not be the way you would do things.

I will say Young at Heart has one of the better turn arounds. I have followed his posts for over 10 years. WTG Young at Heart.

It looks like Buddy400 has the right advice.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@Handy Certainly H is like you in that way....he's a "nice" guy. He does everything for the kids, his mother, his workmates...and me (on his own schedule). He said once -he just expects to work and die in the field so to speak. I'm sure he is tired but finds it difficult to say no. I want him to retire, enjoy life more....say NO!

He does get his worth from making money- not spending it. I keep telling him he has worked long and hard enough-now is the time to reap those rewards. I tell him he has earned this through his hard work and sacrifices.

When my parents died 3 years ago we had everything we needed. Our kids were grown, no debts or mortgages...so I took my inheritance and bought a property he found -but we both wanted -to fix up as a getaway - I paid for everything and was happy to. I also took him on 7 trips in 2 years. I have appreciated him but maybe not enough. 

Sometimes....this makes me feel a bit like now that money has dried up he's not interested in going with me if he has to pay half.

Sometimes I take that further in my mind (because I have OCD with regards to our relationship) and wonder if he was so shallow as to fake it till the money was gone. Sometimes I wonder if he actually cares or just wants to keep appearances up...

But intellectually I know @Buddy400 got it right.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NJ2 said:


> When my parents died 3 years ago we had everything we needed. Our kids were grown, no debts or mortgages...so I took my inheritance and bought a property he found -but we both wanted -to fix up as a getaway - I paid for everything and was happy to. I also took him on 7 trips in 2 years. I have appreciated him but maybe not enough.


I don't think things you can buy are the kind of stuff that makes him feel appreciated.

He may well enjoy it  But the appreciation he most values is words of affirmation from you.



NJ2 said:


> Sometimes....this makes me feel a bit like now that money has dried up he's not interested in going with me if he has to pay half.


It may well be that now that it's no longer "house money", his frugality is coming into play. But, it's just that he's cheap and not because he doesn't want to go with YOU.

Tell him how much YOU want to go and how happy it would make YOU. Don't try to sell him on why HE would enjoy it. Tell him how much you'd appreciate it if he'd come since you can't imagine enjoying it without him. I know it sounds selfish, but he's far more interested in satisfying you than doing anything for himself.

Excessive frugality is a problem (no idea how to solve that one).

He sounds like the kind of person who's going to have a hard time with retirement.

Edit - My wife recently wanted something but wouldn't tell me what it was (because she thought it was too much effort on my part).

I told her "It's my job to make you happy and I can't do my job if you won't tell me what you want!"

Making her happy makes me happy, so it works out nicely for both of us.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Maybe he isn't over your affair. In my case my wife became cold and distant when she went thru menopause. After years of no affection and duty sex, I made up my mind just to do without. More than likely though his testosterone has crashed. It's called old age.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@Buddy400 you seem to have a direct line into h's brain! 
I took your advice and told him how much I wanted to go- that I wanted to have this break before the next hip is done and I'm laid up again for a couple of months... I was probably a bit exhaaperated when discussing it but eventually he said

Why do you get the idea I do t want to go withYOU? Of course I want to I'm just worried you won't enjoy it because you're still recooping and your other one is ****.

He said he's not worried about the money it costs - and that is not an issue- it is ...but whatever....

He finally sat down and looked at some places- read some reviews- picked the one we usually go to - which I like a lot

I said we can wait a day or two and if he still wants to I'll book it

Soooo like you said - he can't read my mind and didn't know how very much I want to do this- when he understood how much it meant he was game to go!

I should try and see him from your view


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NJ2 said:


> I said we can wait a day or two and if he still wants to I'll book it


It's not "if he still *wants* to"

It's "if he's still *willing* to"

The first is about what HE wants. He doesn't care about that.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@Buddy400 - Ok Got it! You are right - i asked him today if he still wanted to-before I read your post- he said it was always about me and whether I wanted to or not, whether I would enjoy it or not.....So I'm booking it.


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## Marinaze (Oct 31, 2019)

I think that it's normal if you're in the mid 50'. Time takes its toll, you can't do anything about that. Of course, his libido is much lower than it was.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@NJ2: My wife and I are in our 50s and do not have any sex. After decades of fighting over it, she got cancer a few years ago and was physically unavailable. When she recovered (thank the Lord), she wanted to get back to having sex occasionally. At that point, I was the one refusing to have sex. I always had problems with PE, but now as I am older I also have ED. I don't want to have to deal with that. I don't want to have to appreciate her being understanding of my failures. So we don't have any sex.

It has nothing to do with her attractiveness (she is beautiful). It only marginally has to do with her refusing me for many years. The biggest reasons are that I don't have much drive (lower testosterone levels) and have anxiety about my performance, so I'd just rather not. And since my wife is not as persistent as you in trying to make it happen, we simply don't.

Overwhelmingly likely that this is all about him and very little about you.


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## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

NJ2, is it my imagination or are you avoiding answering questions about your affair. Are you doing the same to him?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Zombie thread. OP hasn't posted on it since Feb 2019

@NJ2 pm if you return and would like to update this thread.


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