# Is this enough to start snooping?



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

It's an EA at most but my wife's behavior is sending me nothing but bad signals. She has been off work for a few months and if she is not sleeping she is on the computer. She is having some mental issues (and not the first time) and I see less improvement than the last time. And she is really treating me like **** to boot.

Anyway it is how she protects her phone like it is the most precious thing on earth. In the last 3 months she has not left it alone. Even when sleeping she has it concealed. Well this morning I found out where she keeps it-in her hand! While she sleeps she is holding her freaking phone! And has turned vibrate off and keeps it face down, if I happen to be around and she gets a text she very obviously tries to keep my eys off it.

So I am asking this even though I know the answer. I will find out what is going on by going on her pc. I don't have the password for it. I know how to get on it but she will know as her password will have been reset. And I know if I am wrong this will probably push her over the edge. And if I'm right it will push me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My wife was keeping her phone tucked under her pillow and slept on it, that was cause enought to start snooping, that and going to bed with her at night and waking up in the middle of the night to find her and her car gone, only to find her fast a sleep with me the next morning.

BTW she was cheating and yes I got the proof to have an effective confrontation that changed both out worlds....for the better.

Its that snooping and what you do with the evidence that can either make it of break it in the marriage.

Once she saw the reality of her actions she saw how harmful it was to her and her family as she went out a met strange in the middle of the night.

it was the proof I showed her that brought the reality of her behavior to light.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

OK, you don't know her password on her computer? And, I would guess she has a password on her phone as well. Yes, I'd say her actions are suspicious enough to merit looking into it further. Just FYI, even in my EA, my husband had the computer password. He is the one who set up the computer int he first place. He asked me what I wanted for the password and he put that in. He has ALWAYS known that password, even when he didn't know the one on my phone, before I removed it. Wish I knew of a way for you to get into it without alerting her right away, though.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Is the computer personal or work? Personal: tell her you had to upgrade windows, ios , etc as a friend told you about an auto-update you had to be sure got on there and then you just happened to find some interesting things. Work: tricky here...no advice here, sorry! 

The phone...iphone? Find my iphone app installed? Need her @icloud password / apple id to see GPS, contacts, photos. If able to access this route, I'd copy any evidence then wipe the phone clean using the find my iphone app.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

peon said:


> It's an EA at most but my wife's behavior is sending me nothing but bad signals. She has been off work for a few months and if she is not sleeping she is on the computer. She is having some mental issues (and not the first time) and I see less improvement than the last time. And she is really treating me like **** to boot.
> 
> Anyway it is how she protects her phone like it is the most precious thing on earth. In the last 3 months she has not left it alone. Even when sleeping she has it concealed. Well this morning I found out where she keeps it-in her hand! While she sleeps she is holding her freaking phone! And has turned vibrate off and keeps it face down, if I happen to be around and she gets a text she very obviously tries to keep my eys off it.
> 
> So I am asking this even though I know the answer. I will find out what is going on by going on her pc. I don't have the password for it. I know how to get on it but she will know as her password will have been reset. And I know if I am wrong this will probably push her over the edge. And if I'm right it will push me.


I would have to assume that her secretive behavior with her phone is not related to job searching. Obviously she does not want you to know what she is up to, which suggests that there is an OM involved. If you do nothing, it will escalate. If she gets angry at you for breaking her fantasy, so what?

I say yes, definitely snoop. She isn't allowed to "date" while married, and if she was doing anything above board, she would not be hiding it from you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If she is not working I assume you are paying the cellphone bill correct? I am sure you can find info what she is up too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

peon said:


> It's an EA at most (1)
> 
> 
> And she is really treating me like **** to boot. (2)
> ...


1) DONT bet on it unless you have 100% of her time accounted for and he lives in Spain... (and I do NOT mean 99% of the time accounted for)

2) Once you get your info why stay? Basic bio.. ages, kids, legnth of marriage, length of relationship. 

3) Cmon you KNOW the answer is yes you need to snoop. Sleeping with a phone IN YOUR HAND is not A red flag IT IS 99999999 RED FLAGS!!!!

4) See the thread by Davastated Dad for ideas. He seems cool. possibly PM him for ideas.

VAR her car and where she talks all night.
Look up Zoomback
perhaps appear to let your guard down while actually moving it up...

Edit: I gotta go. Someone here please help. Link about 9999 threads where the OP thinks its an EA when it is already a PA.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you start with something basic and non-intrusive, like looking at her cell phone records?

C


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Only reason you need to snoop is your gut.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Hey guy,

I was in the same spot before (maybe now...story for another time and this is your thread).

I get not wanting to push your wife over the edge without any confirmation. The upside to accessing her computer is knowledge! You will know what she is doing and with whom. You can then take steps to try and save your marriage and get your wife (and YOU) the help you need. The downside is that your wife will not understand you and your reasons to learn why she behaves secretly. She may not understand that you are doing this for the sake of your marriage. If talking with her about her behavior wont work, for whatever reason, I'd lean towards accessing the computer.

You have been given info. on spy software...you should use it. Also, if the phone is a barrier to the marriage, you could always downgrade to a basic phone citing financial concerns i.e. she's out of work, cost, etc... Seeing as she is unemployed, its not that she needs it for work! Wanna learn more about the impotance of her phone to her?...change all her email and social network passwords on a computer and the phone is unable to 'sync' the data. That should get her attention and could open a line of communication you two SO need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

the guy said:


> ...waking up in the middle of the night to find her and her car gone, only to find her fast a sleep with me the next morning.
> 
> ...she went out and met strange in the middle of the night.


MY GOD! That is the most incredible thing I've read on this site in 3 years. And you're still with her. She went to bars?


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

The pc is a home pc. Its not hard to get on she will just know about it and if I'm wrong its going to make things worse. And she does not get a drink of water without taking the phone with her so I'm not going to get a chance to look at it let alone back it up on my pc. She also will log out of her pc if she leaves the room. She goes back to work soon and I will have the day to look at it. 

The phone bill...ya that's another thing. We went through a similar time where someone was texting her in the morning. I looked it up online and someone from the california was texting her. I told her the area and carrier and she shut the cell bill down by changing the password. It's in her name the plan was one she had before we met. I know I know I should have done something about it then but we almost split up and I take a lot of responsiblity for it then and I never followed it up and she never explained what happened. She said it was a female friend and left it at that. I *AM* supposed to be able to trust my wife right? right?!?!

Both of us are in our early 40's. She has kids one is still at home. Together 7 married almost 5. Oh and she is employed but is on a sick leave. Telling them she is having a mental break down and playing online games 24/7. A woman in these games gets *ALOT* of attention. I actually think she has pulled an all nighter this past evening infact. And then tells me at least she is trying to get help.

Hey whatslovegottodowithit I read your thread and there has been no new posts in a month-what's happened since?


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

> Anyway it is how she protects her phone like it is the most precious thing on earth. In the last 3 months she has not left it alone. Even when sleeping she has it concealed. Well this morning I found out where she keeps it-in her hand! While she sleeps she is holding her freaking phone! And has turned vibrate off and keeps it face down, if I happen to be around and she gets a text she very obviously tries to keep my eys off it.


That's the only red flag you need. I was oblivious to my wife's EA until I started noticing this behavior, and even then I brushed it off for too long. Anyone who suddenly becomes attached/secretive with their phone is hiding something.

I assume you pay for the phone bill. Get online and look at it - you can see a list of what numbers she called/texted, and when. If there's a lot of activity related to one number that you don't recognize, it's time to dig further. Try to get your hands on the phone, look at texts (see if any are deleted by comparing what's on the phone itself vs what's on the phone bill). Install a VAR in the car, keylogger on the PC, etc.



> And she does not get a drink of water without taking the phone with her so I'm not going to get a chance to look at it let alone back it up on my pc.


How about when she's asleep? I know you said she keeps it in her hand - you don't think you could pry it out without waking her up? This is what I had to do with my wife. I never had a chance in hell of getting a hold of her phone until she was passed out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

peon said:


> The pc is a home pc. Its not hard to get on she will just know about it and if I'm wrong its going to make things worse. And she does not get a drink of water without taking the phone with her so I'm not going to get a chance to look at it let alone back it up on my pc. She also will log out of her pc if she leaves the room. She goes back to work soon and I will have the day to look at it.
> 
> The phone bill...ya that's another thing. We went through a similar time where someone was texting her in the morning. I looked it up online and someone from the california was texting her. I told her the area and carrier and she shut the cell bill down by changing the password. It's in her name the plan was one she had before we met. I know I know I should have done something about it then but we almost split up and I take a lot of responsiblity for it then and I never followed it up and she never explained what happened. She said it was a female friend and left it at that. I *AM* supposed to be able to trust my wife right? right?!?!
> 
> ...


Remind her there are no secrets in a marriage right?


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't have access to the online billing for the cell phones. They were in her name before she met me. And I have been locked out of it for 2 years now. I know what I am going to find and its probably worse than I am thinking now. But I can not do it until next week. I want enough time to be sure. And figure out what do do after I get my proof.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You need to start whatever you need to do NOW. Don't let on that you are doing anything until you have your proof. Never reveal your sources.

Var her car and where she talks in the house. Key log the comp.... See the devastated dad thread.

We come off as heartless here. This ain't the happy happy joy joy boards. The advice is solid.

Prepare yourself to find out it is physical. Sorry you are here.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

My thread is in limbo until something happens, no news, thx for asking though!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

peon said:


> I *AM* supposed to be able to trust my wife right? right?!?!


Trust - ah yes, i remember that. I used to trust my wife, i believe that 'no trust = no relationship', where did it get me - she fvcked an old flame. i started snooping too late (didn't find TAM until after the event).

if you can prise that phone from her (sleeping) fist, you need to get it hacked to send ALL her texts to an email account that is you. of course you get everything including the mundane cr&p she sends you (compared to the stuff POSOM gets), the textbooks her sister sends her, everything, but there will be jewels.

Trust - now i'm upset again,.

VAR in the car, most here recommend under the seat, that won't work if she uses it for shoe storage, behind the lower dash trim is also good (the bit you'd smack your knees into if you had a bad crash). Be patient, it may not be as fruitful as some suggest, and you may start to hate your wifes choice of radio station.

Do you have any idea who the POSOM is? this info could help you form a 'catching' strategy.

Deleting texts is a big red flag. But don't confront with inadequate proof - all the time she is still using her 'regular' phone you stand a chance of harvesting useful stuff, if she gets a 'burner' you are stuffed (except for VAR - but that cant read texts).


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

All I can say is that I left my iphone on in my pocket near her and went and got a coffee and was gone for 15 minutes and got all the proof i need WOW! She told the guy I didn't live with her, and she was zealous because it sounded like the guy was going to see someone else-he is in her words 3000K away and she doesnt want him sticking "it" in anyone else! All this in 15 minutes!


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

I can't do anything until Monday or else she will not return to work and I will not get on her PC. I actually feel relief. Because I have been trying to get us back on the rails.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

PEON if you want to look at the phone be sneaky say your phone is dead and you need to make a call quick ask to use her phone IF she hands it to you GRAB IT AND RUN LIKE HE$$ out the door to a safe place and look through it

ps she is going to be pissed but you will get your answers


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I am sorry Peon. I hope you are ok. When I found my H facebook messages last week I shook for hours.


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## Clegane (Oct 29, 2012)

Peon, look up "keylogger hardware". You should be able to get her passwords through her keystrokes by simply plugging this in, waiting, then looking at it on your PC.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

To get to her phone I would have to render her unconscious. I only need on to her pc once. The fear of being wrong has been removed. I think I already know his name. And no R for this guy. I plan to get her boyfriend on Monday, her first day back at work in 3 months, to inform her the jig is up. Then sit back and watch the show! Making plans for my future as we speak and getting my ducks in a row!

And what they say about following your gut....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

She sleeps with the phone in her hand? That's not even fishy, that's certain and clear as the daylight. She is afraid you would snoop into her phone and the OM texts or calls precisely in that moment. Should you snoop? WITHOUT ANY DOUBT.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

peon said:


> All I can say is that I left my iphone on in my pocket near her and went and got a coffee and was gone for 15 minutes and got all the proof i need WOW! She told the guy I didn't live with her, and she was zealous because it sounded like the guy was going to see someone else-he is in her words 3000K away and she doesnt want him sticking "it" in anyone else! All this in 15 minutes!


Oh my gosh. I cannot believe you have discovered so swiftly. So sorry you have found what you hoped not to....though obvious there was something. 

Your method is brilliant though. Genius. I was expecting pages and weeks before anything solid....you are brilliant. I have never seen this done here on threads I have read, VAR's yes, having to order them, go shopping, batteries running out etc. But just a quick voice recording on the phone and you got her! I am so impressed.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

Refer to Devastated dad please. He has the right gadgets to sort out your problem forever!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

peon said:


> All I can say is that I left my iphone on in my pocket near her and went and got a coffee and was gone for 15 minutes and got all the proof i need WOW! She told the guy I didn't live with her, and she was zealous because it sounded like the guy was going to see someone else-he is in her words 3000K away and she doesnt want him sticking "it" in anyone else! All this in 15 minutes!


?? EA? PA? Glad you got stuff but this was confusing?

Might suggest waiting a bit. (a weekish). If it was just an EA some places don't consider that infidelity.

The guy is 3000 km away? And you know who it is?? And she doesn't want him doing another woman???

Might consider getting better evidence. She showers right?? She can't take it actually in the shower... Practice unlocking the bathroom quietly. A var in the bathroom might pay dividends.

Finally. Never reveal sources. Good luck we are pulling for you.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

What I got was that she has been lying about her marital status, and is telling the guy she is talking to that she is too far away from him to do anything with him but that she doesn't want him sticking his **** in anyone else. I heard my wife tell a stranger that she was upset about the fact she was too far away to do Anything for him and that she was sad because he was getting attention from one of the other married *****s playing this game with them. And she said she didn't want him having sex with any body else. My wife said I don't want you sticking it in any body else. My wife said this. To someone that's not me. Just because he has not penetrated my wife's vagina he is keeping her from trying to save our marriage. This is just as bad because if he walked in the room right after he said that my wife would have had sex with him. She won't have sex with me. But she would if she could with some douche she will never meet and never see. And I believe that something like this has been going on all along. So no matter what I do the fact she us checking her phone for his text and frowning at mine means I am at a disadvantage that I didn't even know existed until yesterday. He is ****ing her emotionally. What more do I need to know? It answers the question as to why nothing I do is working. Sorry I'm a little *****y right now. I confronted her and she pretty much said ya but its just fun. I doesn't mean any thing. But it does. It means I lose.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I she bipolar? During an episode bp can manifest in hypersexuality and pursuing dangerous or risky relationships and staying up all night could be an indication that she is becoming manic.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

It means you kick her out "for fun"


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Yesterday i thought I had hit it out of the park. I was going to come down on her with my dazzling information and she was going to realize that she was wrong and see the error of her ways. She was annoyed and admited to as little as she could and I had half of a conversation. She is sitting on her pc right now watch a movie waiting for prince charming to swoop in from work or what ever and then spend the night together. This is what all that talk about being alpha and all the **** is about right? An alpha doesnt have his woman waiting for her digital dong to show up while the alpha sits by pouting? Now she knows I know and did not stop jack ****! I could not imagine what it would be like if she was getting in her car and going out for a couple hours and then coming back every night.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peon said:


> It's an EA at most but my wife's behavior is sending me nothing but bad signals. She has been off work for a few months and if she is not sleeping she is on the computer. She is having some mental issues (and not the first time) and I see less improvement than the last time. And she is really treating me like **** to boot.
> 
> Anyway it is how she protects her phone like it is the most precious thing on earth. In the last 3 months she has not left it alone. Even when sleeping she has it concealed. Well this morning I found out where she keeps it-in her hand! While she sleeps she is holding her freaking phone! And has turned vibrate off and keeps it face down, if I happen to be around and she gets a text she very obviously tries to keep my eys off it.
> 
> So I am asking this even though I know the answer. I will find out what is going on by going on her pc. I don't have the password for it. I know how to get on it but she will know as her password will have been reset. And I know if I am wrong this will probably push her over the edge. And if I'm right it will push me.


While a PA would be an instant dealbreaker for me an EA totally detroys marriages in a very short time.

It is not only an EA.

That is like saying they are only amputating my leg. It is serious stuff, that must be stopped immediately.

So yes, snoop, but essentially tell her that this behavior is unnacceptable and must stop. She must go NC with any and all men. Verifiably. Do not tell her you are uncomfortable. Tell her it is a dealbreaker and she must immediately stop.

Be prepared for her to act like a drug addict. EAs get worse with each passing hour.

If they are exchanging pictures or cybersexing this is not an EA but a full blown affair.

Good luck. Also if the conversations look innocent ... they really are not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peon said:


> The pc is a home pc. Its not hard to get on she will just know about it and if I'm wrong its going to make things worse. And she does not get a drink of water without taking the phone with her so I'm not going to get a chance to look at it let alone back it up on my pc. She also will log out of her pc if she leaves the room. She goes back to work soon and I will have the day to look at it.
> 
> The phone bill...ya that's another thing. We went through a similar time where someone was texting her in the morning. I looked it up online and someone from the california was texting her. I told her the area and carrier and she shut the cell bill down by changing the password. It's in her name the plan was one she had before we met. I know I know I should have done something about it then but we almost split up and I take a lot of responsiblity for it then and I never followed it up and she never explained what happened. She said it was a female friend and left it at that. I *AM* supposed to be able to trust my wife right? right?!?!
> 
> ...


No you are not supposed to trust your wife. Your job is to protect your marriage. So get to it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peon said:


> I don't have access to the online billing for the cell phones. They were in her name before she met me. And I have been locked out of it for 2 years now. I know what I am going to find and its probably worse than I am thinking now. But I can not do it until next week. I want enough time to be sure. And figure out what do do after I get my proof.


Fatal mistake. EAs escalate quickly. Start snopping now. Every hour you waste the affair escalates. By the time people get the gut feeling things are way way gone by then. 

Basically you need to be able to ask to see her phone. if she refuses you have your answer.

----


Update. read the rest of the thread. you have enough info now. Basically she has been cheating on you. You really do not know the extent. You hinestky do not know if she has been doing other things.

But if I were you I would ensure she goes complete NC. Is totally transaprent. that includes losing her current phone and her getting one that you have complete access to, including the records. All if her accounts are tranparent to you. 

If she works I would be very concerned that she will be or has something going on there.

What does she do for a living?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Take this woman-child's computer and smash it in front of her. Don't yell or get violent with her but smash it to bits 

No?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

That's Alpha. You are the man. You don't take ****. Any old-schooler wouldn't hesitate in this situation if the urge developed.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Think Kevin Costner in "The Hatfields and the McCoys" mini-series


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peon,

Check your PMs


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Obviously smashing the comp is a form of violence that could be misconstrued as a danger to her... she could call the cops... I know my wife wouldn't, but yours might. Only you know.

Rather you could remove the power cord if its a PC or take the battery out if its a laptop and hide it. She will freak and demand them back . Just smile and say 'no.'


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get a keylogger on your compputer


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

She has already admited to as little as possible. I was going to go onto her pc on Monday but now her return to work has been delayed for another week. And when I go on it she is going to know. She already knows I know. She doesn't care. She admits it went too far and she would stop. Doesnt matter I pushed for divorce after confronting her and she agrees. And is fine with it. I jumped the gun with my info because I was planning on getting on her pc first so i could contact the guy and let him let her know I knew but I blew that. And now she knows and is still doing it. 

Did they do more? well the first thing that tipped me off was her skype account on her new tablet that I bought her for xmas had some guy on it. Am I right that you use skype for video? If I could post the recording here I would. Her voice, she doesnt talk like that to me, well not anymore. She admitted to me that this has been going on for a month. So what does that mean in cheater speak if your first offer is 1 month? It has obviously went on longer than that. We went to Mexico in November and we never had sex. I hated it! When we got back she told me in a text while at work all this bs about loving me and I said whatever you sure dont show it. Big fight on my next day off she snaps and becomes someone else and its been like that since the end of November. I'm sure they were texting while we were there. Im at least 3 months too late. But now it doesn't matter. She is cheating on me and I don't negotiate with cheaters. In 10 days I will have evidence as too how far it went. Most of the time its worse than you think. So cybering is what Im thinking as a minimum but I have no proof and my anger got me and I started blabbing because I really thought it would make a difference. Right now if she said I will never touch the internet or a cell phone ever again would i take her back? Ya but the fact I heard what I heard on my iphone recording has killed it for me and typing this has reminded me of that. This same **** happened 2 years ago and I took responsibility because of my behavior and didn't follow it up. My gut feeling is this has been going on as long as I have known her. She has alot of intimacy issues and I am really getting the short end of the stick when it comes to married life. especially sex. But if I can get proof of her engaging in any sexual anything that will release me from my shackles that i place on myself. But I dont have that yet. We are splitting anyway. Will make it easier for me though.


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## Clegane (Oct 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Get a keylogger on your compputer


^ASAP. Like others have said, you don't know what else she has been up to. What you found in your first and only 15 minutes of snooping could very likely be the tip of the iceberg. 

You don't know your wife's password to her PC. You have no way of accessing her phone short of waiting for her to open it, giving your best effort to grabbing it and running to the bathroom, which sadly, is not a bad idea in a horrible situation such as the one you're in. 

In your situation, I would want to find out as much as I can in order to avoid being trickle-truthed. The OM you know about is far away so likelihood of her supposed EA going PA is low at the moment. I would focus on keeping my information guarded and collect as much as I can. I would get that keylogger hardware on her computer and VARs wherever she talks on the phone. Like, yesterday. Whatever you find, don't reveal to her too soon. You will regret later when she trickle-truths you to death.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

I'll explain the sex part. Worst sex evah! Pitty sex. Have not had a passonate kiss since Aug 2010. And no Im not ****ing kidding! I bought her a hitachi magic wand. The person I was with before my wife loved the one I got for her and said it was fantastic. My wife not interested. Right now I have been keeping an eye on it and it has not moved in 2 months. So if she is being at all sexual with him I would be suprised. And PISSED OFF!


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## Clegane (Oct 29, 2012)

If prior to August '10 sex was passionate, that's a huge red flag that she has gone physical with someone else. It's possible that she had PA with OM and he is now just on a business trip or recently moved. 

If there's a perfect time to keep your cool, it's when you're in investigative mode. That time is now.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

No that was pretty much a one off. Happened at my moms of all places.


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## kcait (Jan 31, 2013)

This might be too late a response but Id say the fishy part is leaving in the middle of the night! The sleeping with her phone in her hand isn't suspicious to me. Only because I do the same and I have nothing to hide. I'm worried I'll miss my alarm or an important text/call from my kids. Also, I simply fall asleep with it in my hand because I'm watching a movie, Netflix, etc...on my phone? But leaving in the middle of the night? Weird. I guess this response is for others that might be in similar situations. Good Luck. Sorry this is happening to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

She is probably a member of a married-but-flirting chat site. 

Her reaction to the divorce talk suggests that she doesn't think you will go through with it. Pack her bags and send her to her mom's.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Hehe she doesn't leave in the middle of the night. If she is not sleeping she is on her pc. It is not a physical affair its emotional and I think she like the safety of that but it makes it hard for me when she is putting the douches she plays games with ahead of her ****ing husband!


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

So wait, you told her that you want a divorce and she agreed? And she's continuing to cyber-**** this guy, and she hasn't been interested in sex with you for how long?

Go ahead and get all the evidence of the full extent of this cyber PA, but IMO you don't need any more proof that she doesn't give a damn about her marriage to you.

Put your finances in order and start initiating the divorce process now. Not later, now.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You didn't read many threads when you joined 2 years ago, did you?

You need to slow your mind down, and use it to think. You don't need to do another god damned thing to get more proof, nor discover the extent. Nothing. You need to file for divorce. She has already called your bluff, you have to follow through. You have to, or things will never get better. You have already let her rugsweep who knows what else, keep secrets, and who knows what else. Bad behaviour, with no consequences or accountability.

Time for you to detach. Find the info on the 180 and live it. Follow through with the divorce action. Think hard, really hard about if you really want to stay married to this woman.

If you don't, just divorce and walk away. If you do, and she doesn't, well you walk away and get on with your life. If you do, and she says she does eventually (divorce takes time, as the reality sinks in, she might change her mind), then it must be on your terms. Complete transparency, real remorse, jumping through any hoop she can think of. Demonstrable actions, do not trust her words. Verify everything independently of her. But really, why stay with a cheating, disrespectful *****? Your home life in the past 2 years was better than when you were alone? Really?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can get key loggers that plug in between the keyboard and the PC, works on anything but a laptop.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Wow so guess who was sleeping without hiding her phone this morning? This has had the opposite effect! Now she doesn't have to hide it! Also found out my step daughter has been railroading me all this time, using me as a way to get out of the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

SadandAngry said:


> You didn't read many threads when you joined 2 years ago, did you?
> 
> You need to slow your mind down, and use it to think. You don't need to do another god damned thing to get more proof, nor discover the extent. Nothing. You need to file for divorce. She has already called your bluff, you have to follow through. You have to, or things will never get better. You have already let her rugsweep who knows what else, keep secrets, and who knows what else. Bad behaviour, with no consequences or accountability.
> 
> ...


When I came to this site I had thought my problems in my marriage were sex related, and they were I guess I didn't know the real cause of it. But I do need to see if my gut is right about the extent of the online affairs. If this is the only one and there was no cybering and it was caught before it could get out if control then there is a chance we could work through it. But we all know that thats not what has happened. My gut is telling me that this has been going on before she met me. Her kids told me she would lock herself in her bedroom and online chat all night.

It has been at least the last couple years. And the more I think about it the more things start to line up. Like we were both playing a game last year and she told me the leader of the guild we were in was making up all this stuff and was a real wacko. And she was real concerned about me talking to him because he would lie to me about them having an affair or something to get back at her. I did not think too much about it except that she was real concerned that I don't talk to him. Guess I should have been.

And two years ago we were splitting up and didnt go on a trip to mexico. The same type stuff was going on then as is now. She was online all the time. Imagine if she killed our first real vacation together because she didnt want to be away from her online boyfriend? Even in marriage counselling she said that she would not give up the online gaming.

And reconciliation right now with all I have proof of would be no more online anything. Which would be hard to enforce. 

Oh and I got drunk last night and blasted her with texts and one of the things she said was "I have not talked to him since *I told you"*. All of a sudden she told me about him not that I caught her and she denied it until she knew I had proof.

So right now I am trying to get my head around the farce my marriage has been, trying to figure out what to do, and waiting until I can get some proof of how long this has been going on.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

peon said:


> So right now I am trying to get my head around the farce my marriage has been, trying to figure out what to do, and waiting until I can get some proof of how long this has been going on.


You're going to be trapped in analysis paralysis/limbo if you go that route. Like you said it's most likely she's been doing this for awhile. 

Why do you need to wait until you have proof of how long it's been going on? Especially with everything that you already know has been going on?

If you need some time to digest what's happening and don't want to make any moves until you get your head on straight that's one thing. But make sure you don't become one of those BS who spends so much time obsessing over gathering and interpreting evidence that they spend more time than anything accomplishing nothing.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Look peon, stop letting yourself get peed on. 

Do not tolerate the mushroom treatment!

Get the IPAD and COMPUTER and get rid of them, sell them. Unlock them if you wish, get all your evidence so you can be sure of what she was doing, if you will, but get rid of them! 

Until she gets her job, she might as well not be on these things. She may move from simple EAs and have a PA with some other plebeian because she is tired of PEE ONS.

You are done with this class act of her not caring that you know, tell her you are on the look out for her and her children because she is too busy waiting for prince charming who weighs 250KG and plays online games. WOW


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

I can't up and walk out as much as I would like to. She has been off work so I have had to cover all expenses. So we don't have much money and what we do have I have. If I walk out she lives in her car and her daughter goes to her dads. She has no family and no real friends that I know of. And I need to know if anything sexual happened and or if it has happened before. Because if either of these are true there is no way I am staying with her. NONE. 

And she is in a terrible place financially so what do you think she is going to do when she figures out that this is real and I am really leaving?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I never meant to walk out, don't allow that in your household, because you are the head of the household period


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

peon said:


> I can't up and walk out as much as I would like to. She has been off work so I have had to cover all expenses. So we don't have much money and what we do have I have. If I walk out she lives in her car and her daughter goes to her dads. She has no family and no real friends that I know of. And I need to know if anything sexual happened and or if it has happened before. Because if either of these are true there is no way I am staying with her. NONE.
> 
> And she is in a terrible place financially so what do you think she is going to do when she figures out that this is real and I am really leaving?


Maybe she should have thought about all of this before she cheated on the breadwinner who supports her lifestyle and her daughter?

What consequences have you laid down??


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Maybe she should have thought about all of this before she cheated on the breadwinner who supports her lifestyle and her daughter?



Supports? As of right now, it seems that PEON, is in full support of her EAs. He does nothing to cut her loose from her addiction.

Show her you mean business.

Get rid of the things that are distracting her, that she is paying attention to, because they are distracting her from the attention/love you are trying to give her.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Maybe she should have thought about all of this before she cheated on the breadwinner who supports her lifestyle and her daughter?


I know right?

Peon at some point you have to see it for what it is and stop feeling bad about her financial position, where she'll sleep or what will happen to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

keko said:


> I know right?
> 
> Peon at some point you have to see it for what it is and stop feeling bad about her financial position, where she'll sleep or what will happen to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Peon, you have false compassion.

You providing for her irresponsibility makes you GUILTY of your own PAIN! 

Are you a masochist? She needs an attitude adjustment so go get your tools and straighten it out.

Real compassion means you save her from even herself, for yourself and the family. If she still neglects her duties, then so be it, "tried before cried".


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

keko said:


> I know right?
> 
> Peon at some point you have to see it for what it is and stop feeling bad about her financial position, where she'll sleep or what will happen to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not to thread jack but my best friend is going through something similar. Finds out his girlfriend of 4 years is cheating on him on New Years. She lives at his apartment, his name is on the lease, she pays NO rent despite the fact she has a job at CVS working a register. This guy will not kick her out because he seems to think the Earth will swallow her whole without his support for some reason and she'll have to live under a bridge (which SHE apparently didn't think of when she was ****ing some other guy), so she just sits at his place still paying no rent and contribituting NOTHING while he works 9 hours a day 5 days a week putting a roof over HER head. They're broken up also by the way.

Now I'm pissed at the both of them because he laid down NO CONSEQUENCES despite the fact that he's fully supporting this woman despite the fact she ****ed him over anyway. All he's done is throw some temper tantrums and scream at her here and there. 

And she just continues to live there because he won't do anything. It's been 2 months and he just keeps waiting for some "sign" of what to do. Meanwhile she hasn't skipped a beat.

.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

And when I find out this has been going on all the time I have been with her and has been the cause of all the **** I have gone through with her I am going to leave. But right now I have no solid proof and need it because I am loyal and when I took my marriage vows I meant them. But when I have proof that she did not it will allow me to be free of the bonds of my marriage. And I know what I am going to find. I know it. But I still have to see it because at the end of the day she is still my wife. And I am starting to see why someone like me attracts someone like her. Someone woth no morals like someone with high morals because they are easier to control.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Don't bother or stress on that.

He'll open his eyes sometime and realize that he's been infected with a parasite.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Not to thread jack but my best friend is going through something similar. Finds out his girlfriend of 4 years is cheating on him on New Years. She lives at his apartment, his name is on the lease, she pays NO rent despite the fact she has a job at CVS working a register. This guy will not kick her out because he seems to think the Earth will swallow her whole without his support for some reason and she'll have to live under a bridge (which SHE apparently didn't think of when she was ****ing some other guy), so she just sits at his place still paying no rent and contribituting NOTHING while he works 9 hours a day 5 days a week putting a roof over HER head. They're broken up also by the way.
> 
> Now I'm pissed at the both of them because he laid down NO CONSEQUENCES despite the fact that he's fully supporting this woman despite the fact she ****ed him over anyway. All he's done is throw some temper tantrums and scream at her here and there.
> 
> ...


Have you invited him here, there are plenty of 2x4s to go around.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It's my perception that your W is already fastly in EA mode, and when finally given the proper impetus, will unhesitatingly take it to the PA level. She demonstrably does not have any love in her heart for you!

For your own edification, you need to proceed with following through with the investigating of her cell phone/texting records; email, FB activities, et. al..

But more importantly, stay in the 180 mode and get with your attorney to discuss your options. After all, there is someone out there who will absolutely love you for who you are!


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Jasel said:


> Not to thread jack but my best friend is going through something similar. Finds out his girlfriend of 4 years is cheating on him on New Years. She lives at his apartment, his name is on the lease, she pays NO rent despite the fact she has a job at CVS working a register. This guy will not kick her out because he seems to think the Earth will swallow her whole without his support for some reason and she'll have to live under a bridge (which SHE apparently didn't think of when she was ****ing some other guy), so she just sits at his place still paying no rent and contribituting NOTHING while he works 9 hours a day 5 days a week putting a roof over HER head. They're broken up also by the way.
> 
> Now I'm pissed at the both of them because he laid down NO CONSEQUENCES despite the fact that he's fully supporting this woman despite the fact she ****ed him over anyway. All he's done is throw some temper tantrums and scream at her here and there.
> 
> ...


And I believe she thinks that I am going to do nothing too. And when she sees that I am she is going to all of a sudden have an epiphany see the light and want to reconcile. And with out having the proof I need I can walk away. But when I get it nothing will stop me from going.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

peon said:


> And when I find out this has been going on all the time I have been with her and has been the cause of all the **** I have gone through with her I am going to leave. But right now I have no solid proof and need it because I am loyal and when I took my marriage vows I meant them. But when I have proof that she did not it will allow me to be free of the bonds of my marriage. And I know what I am going to find. I know it. But I still have to see it because at the end of the day she is still my wife. And I am starting to see why someone like me attracts someone like her. Someone woth no morals like someone with high morals because they are easier to control.


Ok well.

Step one.

Cool it. 
Give yourself some alone time, think, RE focus.

The 180 is good for this.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Update us on how your thinking, planning.

Cheaters follow a script, a bad one.
Betrayed spouses follow a script, usually a bad one.

Keep going strong !

Eat well, avoid alcohol, stay health, plenty of vit c for stress (cortisol) and WORK OUT at home if you have to!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

peon said:


> And I believe she thinks that I am going to do nothing too. And when she sees that I am she is going to all of a sudden have an epiphany see the light and want to reconcile. And with out having the proof I need I can walk away. But when I get it nothing will stop me from going.


She has been through this 3 times before. She is way more experienced than you, cheaters are always many steps ahead and the BS is always behind.

Keep an open mind and listen to many posters and their advice. 
Write things down, weigh the pros and cons of every decision and the scenario they project.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

peon said:


> I'll explain the sex part. Worst sex evah! Pitty sex. Have not had a passonate kiss since Aug 2010. And no Im not ****ing kidding! I bought her a hitachi magic wand. The person I was with before my wife loved the one I got for her and said it was fantastic. My wife not interested. Right now I have been keeping an eye on it and it has not moved in 2 months. So if she is being at all sexual with him I would be suprised. And PISSED OFF!





> Doesnt matter I pushed for divorce after confronting her and she agrees. And is fine with it. I jumped the gun with my info because I was planning on getting on her pc first so i could contact the guy and let him let her know I knew but I blew that. And now she knows and is still doing it.


Do you even need evidence for this freeloader ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

peon said:


> Wow so guess who was sleeping without hiding her phone this morning? This has had the opposite effect! Now she doesn't have to hide it! Also found out my step daughter has been railroading me all this time, using me as a way to get out of the house.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Huh? What do you mean ?


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

The plan right now is we are getting a divorce and we are forced to continue living together until we can both move out. We don't own our house and really there is nothing to split up. And I am fine with it and it seems like a fair and right thing to do. But when I get on to her pc thats going to change. But until then I have to sit and wait. I don't want to have to rush through it and I will have all day to go through it. And then I will get her back the best and most hurtfull way I possibly can. I will leave and move on.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Huh? What do you mean ?


My step daughter has been telling my wife that I keep badgering her for information which is not true. I asked her why her mom keeps telling me to leave her alone and she just laughed and said ya she had been using that as an excuse to get her mom to let her go stay at a friends all of the time. I asked her if she knew what that was doing to an already tough time between her mom and I? She didn't seem to care. So who knows what else is going on. I found out this week my wife is probably a serial online cheater and my step daughter is taking advantage of the situation to get out of the house and doesn't seem to give a **** about me either. It's like an alternate reality.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Like mother, like daughter. Kick their sorry leeching asses out of your houses as fast as you can. The infidelity is just an icing on the cake. Both these women think you are a chump and are using you...


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

peon said:


> My step daughter has been telling my wife that I keep badgering her for information which is not true. I asked her why her mom keeps telling me to leave her alone and she just laughed and said ya she had been using that as an excuse to get her mom to let her go stay at a friends all of the time. I asked her if she knew what that was doing to an already tough time between her mom and I? She didn't seem to care. So who knows what else is going on. I found out this week my wife is probably a serial online cheater and my step daughter is taking advantage of the situation to get out of the house and doesn't seem to give a **** about me either. It's like an alternate reality.


Wow. What a piece of work her daughter is. Selfish. And old enough to know better. She's her mother in the making. Sad but you have to get rid of them for your own sanity and health.

Hope you find the evidence you need to free you .


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He already has, he just needs to torture himself for a bit longer.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

SadandAngry said:


> He already has, he just needs to torture himself for a bit longer.


I really only have one conversation and her admitance that she has had the conversation. I'm trying to get ahold of the guy she didn't want me talking to last year in an MMO we were both playing. While she was out I found some cell bills. She always does alot of texting. July 1000+. December 12000+! This last bill is *only* 2500. So looking at that something big was going on in december but cooled off in January. I need to see it though. I need to see what she did. Then I will be sure. It's like a house that burnt down-you cant keep living in it. I need to see what started the fire before I move on.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You have more than just that, and you know it. Her reactions, and the stuff that made you suspicious in the first place are more than enough. She has called your bluff already, you've no real other choice than to follow through with divorce. She made the choice for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How about shutting off her cell and the Internet? Both are big expenses and not necessities. The D judge ain't going to see them as rights she has so you can axe them?.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> How about shutting off her cell and the Internet? Both are big expenses and not necessities. The D judge ain't going to see them as rights she has so you can axe them?.


Actually, you should shut off the taps for her cash flow from you completely. Only pay for what you absolutely have to.


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