# Seven days since i found out



## elan12 (Mar 13, 2012)

My husband met a woman he worked with for drinks. She kept telling him how handsome he was and said she liked to do certain things to older men. He says he somehow turned us (me and the kids) off for the fifteen minute romp they had. this happened over a year ago. they spent two months still talking on phone occasionally bringing up how fun that night was. After that my H said they were both in good marriages and they needed to keep things on a professional level only. i found out by reading an email from her over a week ago that really wasnt bad but just a little too personal for my liking, i started digging and he told me the truth four days later.
My world has crumbled and I have a H who is saying and doing al the right things. He travels alot but has begged to sleep in the spare bedroom on nights he is home so he can be here for the preteen to put to bed and get her to school. Now today he worked from the house while i had a busy day. We have been to each see a C once seperatley and are going again on Monday as a couple. I do want to reconcile (not sure if I'll ever be able to). Up until this incident he was the best husband and loving father and was afterward too. Seems like there is so much anger out there just telling me to throw him out. i have so much love for my children and do not want to burdern them with this so we have been playing all sorts of game as why DaD isn't here tonight> i figure if it doesn't work out we can tell them then, but I can't take it back now if I do. Is seven days still too soon to be making any real decisions? when and how do you even take that first step like even making eye contact without glaring at him. We are rebuilding a house after an accident and do need to make joint decisions. Not that I care about any of them. When does the initial pain begin to subside? am I being a doormat for letting him near me or my kids?


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Well if you are sure it was a one night thing and you want to R then the best thing you coulkd do for yourself is give yourself some space. Separate for a few days to clear your head and think things through it takes a while for these things to really process in the mind and you need the time needed to think things through with clarity. Schedule individual counselling sessions and spend time away from him for a bit that way you can make a better decision. Also make sure you find out all the details and follow the 180 rules posted on this forum. You will be okay in the end trust me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Takes a while a few months for me since D-day and it is still rough. Take your time. Do not make any decisions about R or D. I would set a date (mine was August 15th) and see if by that time you can make it or not.

I am in R but no matter which way you go there will be lots of pain. 

You need to spend time together to make it work. Yes, I said you need to spend time together. 7 days - you are still in shock mode. Your emotions will be wild for a while.

Just breathe and focus on the kids and yourself.


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## elan12 (Mar 13, 2012)

Thank you for your kind reply. I needed someone to tell me it will be okay. that used to be my best friend, my husband.
I have no idea how to use this forum and wonder why i am not getting more replys. where are the 180 rules?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I will get the 180 for you soon


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## elan12 (Mar 13, 2012)

Merci'


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

morituri has a link for stuff and this is on his signature page. 

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your pain. I have gone through this and many people on this site. I am in MC with my wife right now be thankful it was a one time thing. My wife was in it for 8 months.

Remember that he lied to you and he still may have not told you everything yet. Go to the doctor and get checked for STD's and then you will not have worries about that.

It is going to be hard for you to reconnect with him and feel like being intimate. Make sure your WH gives you all the passwords for the emails and FB accounts. Check the phone logs both cell and phone. Take it slow and you will make it through this.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

My first post I kept checking too for replies (so I know what you meant by that statement). I just needed someone to tell me what to think/do/or am I a solo person on an island by myself. 

I am sorry to hear your story and sorry you are having to go through this. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It hurts that you've lost your best friend. I'm too "new" to this to offer "sound" advice, but it looks like others have good ones! I would step back, take time on your own to reflect what you think you are capable of whether it is R or D. I definitely wouldn't put a time frame of only 7 days.

You do have to think of you as a person and not your pre-teen. I haven't followed my own advice but mainly because mine is a senior at high school and leaving in a couple of months. I was raised by a single mom and wouldn't have changed that for a million dollars. If she would have stayed with my dad just because of us four girls we would be "lost" because my mom wouldn't have been as strong as she was! Just a thought...do it for what YOU need to be a good person and your pre-teen will adjust. Either way!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How do you know your husband is telling you the truth about the one time, the amount of contact, what was said, and how it ended? Cheaters usually minimize the affair and paint themselves as victims (e.g., she came on to him very strongly and he gave in for only 15 minutes). It doesn't sound true. You imply that your husband is much older than the other woman.

As for how you get over it and reconcile, that usually starts with knowing the truth. The betrayed spouse usually won't be able to get past it without truthfulness, remorse, no contact, and transparency. Right now, I don't think you have truthfulness or no contact. Even if you have transparency, what good is it if they work together and can have contact? How can you trust him if he still works with her and that is what led to this situation in the first place?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. Take your time and don't make any decision right now. You are in control of this. You have the right to decide to divorce or reconcile. He has to own his bad decision 100%. You are in no way responsible for any of it. My wife had an affair 20 years ago. Our marriage is stronger than ever and gets better every day. But she was completely honest with me. I questioned her over and over again until I was convinced I knew everything. Heck I still talk to her about it sometimes. My wife did everything to win me back. You husband needs to do the same thing. Make sure you have as much detail as you need. If you feel you aren't getting the entire truth push for more. Cheaters are notorious for trickle truth. They only admit to what you already know and won't tell you everything for fear of getting in deeper. You are stronger than you think you are. You will make it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

elan,

Go Slow. I like you want to believe the "best" of this horrible situation. You are only a week in and believe me whether you know it or not your mind is still in shock phase. Your husband has been in contact with this woman for over a year. He admits to a ONS, but only after you pressed him for 4 days. The ONS, one terrible mistake, one lapse in judgment, a single weak moment, is an attempt by him to minimize the gravity of the affair to your ears. She has been chasing him for 1 year. I hope that is all, but if you hang around here for any length you will see that rarely is the truth. I would ask him exactly how many times the met in secret, where and when. If one thing I have learned... until the WS has come fully clean on the detail of the betrayal, R is nearly impossible to achieve. Every time a "new" lie is discovered, you will return to "D-Day + 0". 

Good luck, go slow.


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