# My husband doesn't want me sexually anymore



## Pinkflydgrl23 (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm in serious need of help and was embarrassed to ask for help, but my marriage is on the verge on disaster.

My husband and I have been together since we were 15 & 16. We've been together for more than 6 years. We got married about 3 years ago now. We have never had a great sex life. He has always wanted it and I would reject him quite often. We'd have sex maybe once a week, but I never really got into it and it really didn't matter much to me. He always told me one day he wasn't going to want me anymore in that way and our marriage would eventually fail. I never really took it too seriously. Until about a month ago, we got into a huge fight about it all. We almost split up. He told me he no longer wants me sexually. He still completely loves me, thinks I'm beautiful, all that stuff. But he'd rather be with other women sexually, than me. He says he can't change the way he feels and wishes he could. I feel so completely helpless. I've been doing a lot of research and really praying about it.

I know I need to change, and I am ready to change. I feel like I am maturing and growing into my sexuality, and really am 100% ready to change, and make our sex life better. But now he is completely uninterested and I have no idea what to do . In serious need of help/advice.


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Get him to go with you to see a marriage counselor/sex therapist.


----------



## Pinkflydgrl23 (Aug 16, 2012)

Yeah I am looking up several therapists now. He has agreed it may be the only thing that could help me and him change/save our marriage.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Damn, it's very sad to read this post. It's basically the definition of "use it or lose it". I am happy that your husband had the stones to lay it all on the line. I just hope you got the message for real and that it's not too late. 

Good luck!


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It sounds like he has gotten to a point where he was in a no-win situation. The frustration of trying and failing is worse than finally admitting that he will never have sex with you again.

Not sure what you can do about it. You can go to a counselor and agree that sex is an important part of the marriage and important to him, but the question is can you actually change?


----------



## This is my BOOMSTICK! (Aug 16, 2012)

Even if you change, that's not really the issue. You have to make him believe you've changed. That's a very hard thing to do to someone who is as far gone as him. I mean, he's at the point where he doesn't even want to have sex with you, likely because he wants to shut himself down to you that way so as to avoid the pain and hurt. You'll have to reopen him on that front. If a normal man gets to that point, it likely won't be an easy door to reopen.

A counsellor is like the best thing for you, but two pieces of advise:

A) Do what the counsellor says, just be careful in who you pick. Do as much research if you can on a counsellor. If you trust one and go with that person, trust them fully and work your rear end off to do what they suggest.

B) If your husband does start to open up sexually to you, don't let that crack in the door pass you by. This especially goes for down the road. He'll likely rebuff your advances at first because he thinks you're only wanting sex now to keep him (bait and switch). He thinks that after a few weeks/months, this will taper off. If you get him to open up sexually again, be sure to keep giving him what he needs (and for him, it is obviously not a want, it's a need or he wouldn't have gone to this extreme), don't let yourself fade out again and not take his needs seriously.


----------



## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

does he really want other women, if so, is he worth fighting for? a good sex life is physical and can be gained if BOTH OF YOU try. but it does take two.

If you both aren't in to it and you haven't got kids...why not call a spade a spade and live your life....sorry if it's bruital butyou;re still young


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is my BOOMSTICK! said:


> Even if you change, that's not really the issue. You have to make him believe you've changed. That's a very hard thing to do to someone who is as far gone as him. I mean, he's at the point where he doesn't even want to have sex with you, likely because he wants to shut himself down to you that way so as to avoid the pain and hurt. You'll have to reopen him on that front. If a normal man gets to that point, it likely won't be an easy door to reopen.
> 
> A counsellor is like the best thing for you, but two pieces of advise:
> 
> ...


Yup, rejection hurts.

And for the record, I don't think he really wants other women. I think he wants the hurting and rejection to stop. I suspect that you're going to have to initiate A LOT and be rejected a few times yourself to convince him you really love him. (The attitude of many men, me included, is that women who actually love their husbands don't sexually reject them, so your rejection told him that you really just weren't that into him and didn't actually love him. Actions speak louder than words.)


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Pinkflydgrl23 said:


> Yeah I am looking up several therapists now. He has agreed it may be the only thing that could help me and him change/save our marriage.


Thats a super positive thing! I hope counseling is good for you.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Great username.:smthumbup:

I'll just throw this out since I've been in a similar situation. He may just be playing a big game, to teach you a lesson and/or tip the power back a bit in his favor. It's only been a month. He's been frustrated for years. Maybe he's going to hold out a bit longer to make you sweat...and think more about how important s*x is to him.

In my situation, after years of infrequent duty s*x, and lots of talking by me that got no resuts...I simply stopped intiating. This went on for nearly a month, and then my zero drive W confronted me about it. I didn't think she'd give a damn, but she was pizzed as all hell about it. At that point, I had actually lost interest in s*x with my W, and I felt a lot better about myself. I could have easily done it much longer. Things still aren't very good between us, but it opened her eyes a bit...and the frequency has gone up a lot.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Pinkflydgrl23 said:


> I know I need to change, and I am ready to change. I feel like I am maturing and growing into my sexuality, and really am 100% ready to change, and make our sex life better. But now he is completely uninterested and I have no idea what to do . In serious need of help/advice.


Your husband is to the point where he's not interested in sex with you after years of you rejecting him, and then being totally inconsiderate regarding the impact of your actions.

Yet you're still talking about how you "need" to change, and are "ready" to change. It's too late for that. You are at critical mass, and it's now or never. 

It's good that you guys are gearing up to see a therapist, but in the meantime are you actually offering him sex? What are you doing NOW? Not what willing to, or ready to, what are you actually doing NOW? Your husband may very well believe currently that he has no interest in sex with you, but a radical change in approach from you, and you _pursuing_ him sexually, might encourage him to rethink this. That's what your husband needs right now, a woman who is hungry for him, takes on the responsibility of making the sex happen, and doing all she can to make him feel virile and desired. Now is the time for action.


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Pink,
In your post you indicated that you pray about your situation. To me, this indicates that you have at least some sort of religious or spiritual component in your life. With that being said, I will recommend that you get and read the following book:

Amazon.com: No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex & Intimacy in Marriage (9781589975385): Juli Slattery: Books

This book, No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex & Intimacy in Marriage by Juli Slattery, would go a long way in giving you a perspective on the importance of sex to a man in a marriage, from a Christian perspective. Even if you are not a Christian, it is still chock full of good information. 
It seems that you and your husband married young and it sounds like there is some learning that you need to do regarding male sexuality and the importance it places. In your post, you said 
"We'd have sex maybe once a week, but I never really got into it and it really didn't matter much to me."
For a husband, especially for a young new husband, this is seen as a severe form of rejection of him and his love. His frustration has been building up for years with the constant lack of engagement on the sexual front. As others have stated, if your eyes have truly been opened and now you see that true and permanent changes need to be made, then good for you. But it also means that he has to be convinced of that. A therapist is a very good start and I hope that it can help you and your husband.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not libido it's apathetic anger. Look, I can beat a dog and eventually the dog will do what I want but it won't like me. And eventually a beaten dog's going to bite me back, just out of sheer spite even if it knows, maybe even because it knows I'll beat it some more.

This is just an example I don't beat dogs.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's not libido it's apathetic anger. Look, I can beat a dog and eventually the dog will do what I want but it won't like me. And eventually a beaten dog's going to bite me back, just out of sheer spite even if it knows, maybe even because it knows I'll beat it some more.
> 
> This is just an example I don't beat dogs.


Woof.


----------



## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

I hate to see this sort of thing, I just posted about something almost the opposite. I would be enthused to have someone who was committed to making a change in that regard. All I want sexually is her, I hope some counseling will help him feel this way as well. Good luck!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I don't believe that the husband's declaration that "he can't change the way he feels but wishes he could" is far from it being written in stone. I think the guy hit his limit and has basically "thrown the gauntlet" down at your feet. That's not to say that this is 100% your fault because right now we don't know the whole story. All we know is that 1) you have refused to have sex with him regularly and 2) he no longer wants to have sex with you (supposedly, because I think he really does). 

Before you get pilloried by the mob, why don't you share a little bit about why you regularly reject your husband? What are some of the dynamics that causes this? If he isn't doing the things a husband should do to keep a wife happy, then that should factor into this as well. Also, you need to tend to the things a wife needs to do to make her husband happy as well. Marriage only survives when you both work at it together.

I would not lose hope by any stretch at this point in time - especially if he is open to marriage counseling.


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't think he's playing a game. He put up with being rejected for years and I'm surprised that he hasn't tried to hurt himself. A person can only take so much rejection from the person they love.

I commend you for recognizing your part in this, I think counseling will do both of you a world of good. For now, you may have to go as far as diving into the porn to get some pointers on how to drive him wild enough to want you. He just needs to see the initiative and you can easily remind him of why he loves you.


----------

