# He wants it all



## Honeymoon's Over (Oct 17, 2012)

Hello, I'm new to the site and really needing some solid advice. My husband and I got married on August 4, 2012... we lived together for a year before the marriage. I knew he didn't have alot going for him when we got together. No job, no car, a condo he was barely making the payments on and eventually lost... but that's not what I was after. I make great money and have a very good position as an executive. My husband is also nine years younger than me (I'm 38, he's 29)... We've both got children from previous relationships and everything was fabulous. 
Pretty much the minute we got back from our honeymoon, he wanted access to my bank account. I told him no and it's now escalated to us breaking doors and screaming at each other almost on a daily basis. He wants access to my account, bank statements and wants my debt card. He says he wants this so he can contribute (which he only pays for gas for the car, runs about $50 a week...) and so he doesn't feel like he's "left out"... I'm not comfortable with this and feel like i'm in the Twilight Zone. We've started marriage counseling and are on week 4 of an 8 week plan... it's not helping. NOW, he's very selfish in bed, rarely do i even have time to be satisfied before he's rolling over and snoring, he's cold, he acts like he doesn't even like me and when I bring up all this he says, "I guess I'm just not good enough for you...". I'm so over it. I shouldn't feel this way about a new marriage, but i'm independent and have done the single mother thing for over 16 years, so I can do it again, no problem. the thing is, is that things were so perfect before... what happened and should I give him access to my banking, just so i can have the man i fell in love with?

PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS! I'm so confused and unhappy and stressed out! Thanks for your time!


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Does he have a job now? He can contribute without access to your account. He's throwing a fit. If he wants money tell him to go earn it.


----------



## KnK (Oct 15, 2012)

DO you have money? Did he think you had a lot of money? Men can be gold diggers too just saying... Maybe he wanted a sugar mamma!


----------



## Honeymoon's Over (Oct 17, 2012)

He works mainly off of Craigs list and the money he earns he hides until we need a tank of gas or a gallon of milk at the store. I know for a fact that he earns at least $300 a week (which I know isn't much...)

I made a commitment to this man, and this is what's keeping me with him, I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don't ever want to enter into something where I can just say "oh well, this is hard, i can always divorce him..." but really, I feel like i'm being setup or something? I can't help but feel like something is tremendously wrong, you know?


----------



## KnK (Oct 15, 2012)

Honeymoon's Over said:


> He works mainly off of Craigs list and the money he earns he hides until we need a tank of gas or a gallon of milk at the store. I know for a fact that he earns at least $300 a week (which I know isn't much...)
> 
> I made a commitment to this man, and this is what's keeping me with him, I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don't ever want to enter into something where I can just say "oh well, this is hard, i can always divorce him..." but really, I feel like i'm being setup or something? I can't help but feel like something is tremendously wrong, you know?


No one goes into a marriage wanting a divorce. You need to get to the bottom of it all so you can find the right answer for yourself. If it is just about the money then it probably wont get any better from here on out but if it's not you need to find out just exactly what it is in order to fix it.


----------



## Honeymoon's Over (Oct 17, 2012)

I've asked him a very direct question that he can't seem to answer (or won't answer...)... I've asked him "what is it that YOU want out of this?"... What do you hope to gain from getting access to my account and what is it that you want? he can never answer me straight. He always just turns it around on me and says, why are you hiding all YOUR money, we're married, it's OUR money now and I should have some input. My biggest issue here is that he doesn't contribute, but wants me to be completely transparent with my finances. If he was to come to me and say, I'll start splitting the bills with you or I'll start paying the car payment, I would be fine with sharing, but I feel like he wants access to my account without putting forth any effort into working or contributing to the household from his side and then he'd have access into my account and that scares me. I save for things like taxes yearly (so i'm not surprised when they come due) license plates, a small home improvement savings (if the water heater or something happens...) and he's a "spend it when you get it" person. It scares me that i'll be left without any security. not to mention, i earn about 80k a year before commissions and bonus, so it's not a small amount i'm talking about. I'm just afraid he'll screw up my finances like he did with his and then when all the money's gone or we're avoiding creditors daily, he's going to blow it off and my financial security *along with my kid's financial security will be gone totally.


----------



## KnK (Oct 15, 2012)

Honeymoon's Over said:


> he can't seem to answer (or won't answer...).


If this is the case I would believe he is lying and hiding something from you.


----------



## Honeymoon's Over (Oct 17, 2012)

that's what my brain is telling me, but my heart doesn't want to deal with that answer... I guess i knew all of that, it just helps to gain a little outside perspective. thanks folks...


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

When you get married, it does become your joint money. However, I also think you need to be smart and realistic about protecting your assets, for the sake of both of you and your kids.

Could you set up a joint account for household needs and bills and agree on an amount that would be contributed by both of you to that joint account? Then keep your own separate account for emergencies, savings, etc.


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Honeymoon's Over said:


> Hello, I'm new to the site and really needing some solid advice. My husband and I got married on August 4, 2012... we lived together for a year before the marriage. I knew he didn't have alot going for him when we got together. No job, no car, a condo he was barely making the payments on and eventually lost... but that's not what I was after. I make great money and have a very good position as an executive. My husband is also nine years younger than me (I'm 38, he's 29)... We've both got children from previous relationships and everything was fabulous.
> 
> 
> Please don't take my post as rude....but I am confused. You lived together for a year. Who paid all the bills? Were you supporting him? You knew he was financially challenged, was something supposed to change when you married that didn't? My thinking here is he did indeed marry a "sugar momma", I'm so sorry. Was he married before? Does he pay child support? He knows most couples "share" finances, and I believe he was hoping to simply "share" your funds.
> ...


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

In all honesty, I would seriously advise running a background check on him. If anything, it may give you some peace of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> In all honesty, I would seriously advise running a background check on him. If anything, it may give you some peace of mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought Pidge was going to say "I would seriously advise running"................

I don't say this to be mean or cruel -- but he has changed and is now cold and angry -- something is not adding up ---- 2 + 2 is not equaling 4 in your marriage. You seem to want to try everything -- which I applaud -- but please be careful.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

red alert for me I'm afraid
he sounds like a kid who's been denied access to the cookie jar
my fear would be that he would clean you out....

we always kept separate accounts, ALWAYS - joint account for mortgage and bills only. Much safer that way


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

There might not be a nice way to say this, but I'll try my hardest. 

You married a man with no ambition. He didn't have a job when you got married, he didn't have a car, and was verging on being homeless. He still doesn't have a full time job (is he actively looking for one?) and does work off Craigslist (what kind of work are we talking about here?).

How was he paying child support when he wasn't working? Was he not paying? Who has primary custody of his child? How did you feel about marrying a man who had a child, but no ambition to care or provide for them?

Whether you intended it or not, you set yourself up as a "sugar mama." You make $80,000 + a year, and I'm thinking your husband assumed he wasn't going to need to work. Did you discuss him working before getting married?


----------



## Honeymoon's Over (Oct 17, 2012)

This is exactly the advice i'm getting from my friends and family. I guess my heart just didn't want to believe that this man I love could be this guy... but he is and i'm wearing rose colored glasses. Thanks to everyone for their advice. I offered a shared account for bills and another for savings, but he just wants mine. I'm not dense so in my mind i knew that it sounds sketchy. I supposed I just wanted to hear others confirm what i was feeling. We did live together for year before we married, and I have paid all the bills, which like i said was fine, but now he still wants me to pay the bills and have access to the accounts, which i'm really just not okay with that scenario.


----------



## Honeymoon's Over (Oct 17, 2012)

and he is expected to work. I am not ok with him sitting at home, so he gets odd jobs for home improvement and mechanic work off of the CL in our area... But he is totally acting like a kid who's been told he can't have access to the cookie jar.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Open your own account somewhere else and move most all your money into it.

Then give him access to your account. Only put money in there that you can afford to lose.

Give him a bit of rope and I think what everyone is saying will be confirmed. He will hang himself.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Open a joint account that he can contribute to. Make sure he doesn't know where the rest of your money is. Unless you actually want to pay for parties and gifts for his friends.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He makes 300.00 a week? Open a joint account and you both put 300.00 a week in it and use that account to jointly save for whatever or jointly pay certain bills. If he wants you to contribute more, he needs to contribute more. This is his chance to prove that he can be a responsible financial partner. So far, his track record is one of immaturity and financially irresponsibility. If he whines about this arrangement, it's just further evidence that you've married a child. If he takes advantage of you or doesn't pull his own financial weight, it's evidence that you can't trust him with more access to your bread. Either way, it's putting the responsibility for being a man back on his shoulders. His old fashioned values hold that married money is family money but his old fashioned values should also hold that a man with a wife and a child ought to have a means of supporting both and the means needs to do more than buy the occasional jug of milk. Either he has no concept of what it takes to finance a family or he feels no burden to be fair. You already know why he wants access to your accounts. He wants your money. If all he wants is to contribute, he can leave his cash on the kitchen table or he can offer to take over some of the bills. I don't know that this guy is worth expending a great deal of effort on. He's 29. He's been an adult for 11 years but he doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Also over time he'll start to resent the fact that you earn so much more and start trying to undermine you in other ways

trust me on this, I know of what I speak

this will not end well - look after yourself. No-one likes to admit they've made a mistake with their choice of husband/wife. But the signs are all there and they ain't good...


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kick his a$$ to the curb! 

hes selfish in bed.
hes dosn't work(side jobs on cl don't count for working)
hes want access to your account so he can establish some sort of pattern so when you wise up and finally kick his lazy,sorry a$$ out he can sue for suport!

did he sign a prenup? didn't think so.


shuffle on down the road and leave this loser behind!


then give me a call I have a job! joking here!


----------



## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

My marriage of 14 months was a little different. When we married, I was unemployed but due to my previous employment and saving at least 15% a year, I had over $800k in investments. My STBXW worked as a teacher and only had $300-$700 left over after each month.

She complained about LOTS of things but felt I wasn't holding up my end of the marriage financially. Even though I could show I spent/earned more than what she made in salary. I also purchased a $16k engagement ring and paid for all the honeymoon/wedding expenses as well as the trips we took, etc. 

Since her issue was what I contributed financially, I said, fine -- let's separate bank accounts and we'll each contribute towards the necessities of household living. She said that if I removed my pre-marital funds, then our marriage was over.

Guess what -- it was!  

P.S. This was after I sold my home so "we could move forward" and yet I spent over 200 hours getting my house ready to sell, she was unable to contribute more than 15 hours to the effort. But was right there when the lawyer cut the check for the home that I purchased, that I made payments towards, etc. and demanded that we immediately put it into our 'joint' checking account. I commented that I wished she had as much interest in getting my home ready to sell as she did in the financial proceeds once it was sold. No reply from her. Except to say that she helped "pay" for the home as well. Nope. All of those funds were paid from my pre-marital assets.

Do you see what I'm trying to convey here? She was more interested in my assets and the security I could provide for her than what we could grow and develop together in our marriage. While I'm not happy that I am divorcing after such a short time, I am thrilled that I found her true nature after such a short time. No wonder she was unable to maintain a relationship for more than a year -- it was all about "her".

Methinks your husband is seeing things from the same line of thinking my STBXW did.


----------



## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

It seems that you husband after your money. As a man, he must be responsible for looking a job and finance his family.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Huge red flag. He was sinking when you met and you are possibly his cash cow. not that you're a cow. no no. But you know what I mean


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Not only is he using you as a Sugar Momma, he really sucks at it. He SHOULD be sucking up to you, be awesome in bed, treat you like a queen.... 

He is too immature.... kick him to the curb.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Is this him?










I think you should google the gold digging male


----------

