# In-Law abuse?



## TiredWolf (Jul 22, 2015)

I'm a young woman. Just turned 21 this year. I've been married 5 months now and been engaged for 2 1/2 years. Ever since I moved in with my Husband, it's always been with In-Laws. I started noticing their rude behavior when I had found out I was pregnant in late 2012. They were so excited that my husbands older brother and sister expecting children that same year, but when I had told them I was pregnant I got a response from his father, "Is abortion and option?" and "Well it's not my problem." I was excited to be a mother, I dreamed of growing up and having children someday when I was a teen. My husband was just as excited as I was. Then when my son was born I had to move out of his mother's apartment because 1) limited space and we had 6 adults and 2 children already living with her, that's including us. 2) my husbands brother's girlfriend had some bad history I had no idea about. So we had to stay at my husbands aunts home in that same state for 2 weeks. She made me feel horrible. Every time I turned around she was telling me I wasn't doing good enough for my child, and making me feel bad about myself because I wasn't producing enough milk for my child. All I could think about was taking care of my child the best to my ability and I didn't want to fail him in anyway. She would cook dinner for her children while I fed my son. When I got done feeding him she put all the food up and said "Well you should of kept him up all day so by this time he could sleep. Now you get nothing for dinner. That's all on you." I let my child sleep whenever he was tired. After all, his little body was just so exhausted from transitioning from being in the belly to coming out and the nurses said that he needed that rest. At night time my son would wake up all throughout the night because of simple basic needs, food, diaper change, and cuddles. One day his aunt came in and yelled at us. She said, "We go to bed at a certain time here. You being up 12 in the morning is ridiculous! My kids can't sleep, I can't sleep, my husband can't sleep and this is all because you wont keep him up all day! From now on you are to be asleep around 9pm and no more getting up!" It was getting to the point I was getting too depressed to eat or sleep. All I could do was cry and hold my son while I fed him, changed him, and rocked him to sleep. She made me feel like I had failed him and my husband. Then a few days before it was time to leave on a bus to another Aunt of my husbands, I pulled my husband aside and had told him all the things his aunt was doing. Right in the middle of talking, his aunt came in screaming, "If I knew you were like this, you shouldn't of even had a child!" and slammed the door. When packing time came, I had all of our necessities packed and the things boxed up were to stay behind. I had all of my husbands clothing packed, my child's bottles, bibs etc all packed, and then just as I had gotten all my clothes in my aunt starts going through it all. She pulled out all of my clothes, and packed in things we had too much of already and weren't needed. "Your going to MT. You don't need this... or this.. or that. Wow how selfish of you! You need to learn to make sacrifices!" and left me with 3 shirts, 2 shorts, and 2 pairs of socks. That was all I could keep. I had to leave our anniversary stuff behind that I just gotten and photos of my family. We got on the bus and got to the other aunts home. At first she was kind and understanding, I had opened up to her about how the last aunt treated me and how I felt so depressed. Then after 4 months she changed. She has 3 older teenage kids, then my husband and her bf moved in from the last state, her uncles grand kid and his fiancée moved in, so a total of 15 people in one area. 3 out side in a trailer, and the rest in one home. My husband said we needed to move out asap but his aunt said I wasn't ready. She wasn't going to let us leave. That's when I started doing the laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, scrubbing the living room and back room carpets, and picking up trash everyone dumped onto the floor, cooking for 15 people everyday, walking, feeding, giving water, and bathing their dogs and fighting for time with my son. One day, my aunts husbands cousin who is 64 years old came in saying, "Why aren't these dishes done?" and I calmly replied, "I do not wish to do them today. I want to spend time with my son." she walked off in a huff and told my husbands aunt that I didn't want to do dishes and that I needed to get it done now. So she called me in to talk with me. I told her I wanted time with my son and that I wasn't going to do all the chores in the home. My son needs me and I want to be with him. She replies, "You think your cool? Dishes are your responsibility and you need to do them now. Auntie with watch him and you know that. So you have no reason not to be doing them." So Auntie had my son in her lap with a smirk on her face as I did the sink full of dishes. After I was done I got yelled at for not starting dinner yet. Then got yelled at because she had no clean clothes to wear to go out tomorrow. This went on for a year. I told my husband of all the things these people were doing. Threating me, throwing our applications for apartments away, telling me that my husband deserved better than me, and calling me names. When ever I got sad or mad in front of her for her behavior she called it "a pity party" and "a tantrum". I wanted nothing more than to leave and live a happy life with my family. I wanted to be with my son and my husband. Then we moved again. My son died from Long QT and dealing with it has been hard. But even then everyone attacked me. Telling me it was my fault. I can't have anymore children because they said so. That I can't grieve for too long. Now mind you we aren't living with her at this time. We are living with my husbands aunts in laws now. In different house holds. I am currently undergoing genetic counseling. I don't want to because I know it will give them more ammunition to treat me like ****. But at the same time I do because I want a child, I want to be a mother and have my own place with my husband. I want to know because in order to have another I must know if I carry that gene and learn how to treat or fix it so I can be a mother. I have the list of symptoms and my own mother has them too. Now my husbands uncle is saying I need a job so I can help pay off his sister mortgage, and that I need to stay here and help take care of her. She agrees. I do her laundry, her dishes, mopping, sweeping, brushing her dogs, feeding and watering those dogs, babysitting kids that she herself is supposed to babysit (she gets paid for it too) watching her friend who she is the caretaker for, vacuuming the carpets, cooking, cleaning the stove and counter tops, getting her mail, and giving her money for the second car to get registered, feeding the fish, water her tree and plants, and giving her any money I get. One day I stopped for 3 days and she called my husbands aunt over because I wasn't doing anything. When I picked back up on it, she would say, "You've made my life so much easier!". I can't go out but once a month on a date with my husband. I have to do it after 9pm and not tell her because she makes us reschedule when we tell her otherwise. His whole family comes after me if I decide to do anything that will benefit me and my husband. They tear me down most of all. The effect this part of the family has on me has caused me to be nothing but angry and depressed. It's tearing our marriage apart. I can't spend too much time with my husband because it will make everyone mad. My husband spends from the time he gets up till 4am playing video games and relaxing while I have to do all these things. It gets hard. In the middle of all this I'm trying to fight to have my relationship back and he's shown that he misses all the things we did together as a couple too. He and I are both tired of being kept up in a house and not being able to just sit down and talk or go outside for a walk. She's yelled at us for that too. On Christmas I got money from my mom and grandmother which ended up being spent for pizza because she had no money and her granddaughter wanted pizza. For my birthday I had spent 40 dollars on dog food, dog brushes, and dog treats. I was left with 5 dollars and some change. She said she needed it and that she'd pay me back. She hasn't. My mother doesn't send me things anymore. She's afraid that everyone with take it from me and that it wasn't for them and that it was for me and my husband to go out and have some quality time together. My husband gave her 300 dollars to register that second car twice now and she's spent it on going out instead of what it was supposed to be for. So he's stopped giving her that amount of money. She gets mad because even though we help with over 300 dollars for food, she goes through the money we provide too fast. She blames us. How do I change this? How can I be happy and living on my own if his in laws wont let us? They wont let us go out unless its to get food or work, then complains when I plan a date night with my husband or if we simply just want to walk and talk. She says that we need to stay here till February of 2016. I want to move out. I want to get away from all of this. I want to reconnect with my husband, start a family and be happy. I want to have my freedom. To be able to journal, draw, get some friends, and surround myself with positive people. I want to succeed and have room to grow. What do I do?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

well, hope you got a lot off your mind in your long post. the solution seems straightforward enough - you and your husband and child need to move into a place of your own. 

perhaps you can't afford to do that? if you can't do that now, then you and your husband need to make a plan and save until you can afford to move. if you can afford to move into a place of your own, why are you staying? something doesn't quite add up.

you mentioned your husband gets up and plays video games until 4 am in the morning. what about work? what about time with you the child?

one small note, now that you've poured out a lot of your frustrations in your long post, it may be easier in future posts to break up your written thoughts and feelings into smaller pieces like my reply rather than one unbroken paragraph. It makes it hard to read through everything when it is all thrown together in one big chunk.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hate to say this but before you start having kids, you and your fiance should have had a roof to put over the kids head instead of living with a bunch of people. 

Does your husband work? I'm sorry but to be honest a condom is much cheaper then raising a child especially when you have to live off of other people.


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## confusedgirl20 (Jul 21, 2015)

You need to get your own place. Who cares what auntie says. Talk to your husband, tell him you need out, and if he doesnt agree make the move on your own then he can join. Save up...do whatever it takes. Your husband should get a job if he doesnt have one already. Yall need to be responsible on your own. Shouldnt be hard since you are already doing more than necessary amount of chores for all these other people. 

Your husband needs to support you in this. Why isnt he more worried? Why is he playing games all day instead of seeing what you are going through and having to be a maid at his family's house..why doesnt he want to spend more time with you or family?

Take it from me, i lived with my inlaws for over a year and it was very rough. When we moved out, it seemed like it was too late. Its hard to repair a relationship after so much abuse. This will tear yall apart if you dont take the stand.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

too long, didn't read.

But I got the gist of it and as others said you should be living on your own. Mature enough to have a kid? Mature enough to live on your own. Or... not mature enough to live on your own, not mature enough for a kid.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I think I read in that massive wall of text that the child died. I think we have a one post wonder here.

If not everyone else is right, until you and your husband have your own place and suitable employment you shouldn't be breeding. Stop being a slave for his extended brood, you could get a job as a maid and be paid and treated much better. My cleaning lady gets $100 for a two hour cleaning, do the math.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Seems like you are their personal slave. Your husband is an idiot.

Taking you from house to house. I don't see him getting the money to move out. Some like theseeople like living in this manner.

Call your mum ask her to book your flight or bus ticket and go back home.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

Is this a family thing that you all live in big groups? When a young couple gets married they start their own home in an apartment or house that they can afford. Why have you not done this? Does your husband work? Do you work? 

If you got a job cleaning at a hotel or motel you would be doing less work then you are now and you would be getting paid for it. Then you could get your own place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband? 

Does your husband have a job?

Your story is confising because it is not clear why you two do not have your own place. 

Your husband is your biggest problem. He is allowing this to go on. My suggestion is that you move out... go back to your mom's if you have to. You get a job. Then tell your husband that you will go back with him once he gets a job and rents an apartment. 

Cann you give us an idea where you live so we have an idea of what resources are available to you? Just country name would be good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband? 

Does your husband have a job?

Your story is confising because it is not clear why you two do not have your own place. 

Your husband is your biggest problem. He is allowing this to go on. My suggestion is that you move out... go back to your mom's if you have to. You get a job. Then tell your husband that you will go back with him once he gets a job and rents an apartment. 

Cann you give us an idea where you live so we have an idea of what resources are available to you? Just country name would be good.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

What kind of messed up place do you live and what kind of messed up husband do you have that he allows this ****?


You are an adult. Act like it. Pack your child and yourself up and leave. If they keep trying to mess with you, call the police and have them supervise while you move out.


What is wrong with you? Don't you have a mouth? Why are you letting theses *******s bully you? Is this some kind of "culture" nonsense where people use the culture excuse to oppress and abuse others?


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## TiredWolf (Jul 22, 2015)

He has a job. And we have told them about saving up for an apartment but they told us, "No, you need to stay here. You need to help my sister. You need to work and help her pay her mortgage." etc. etc. She gets angry when we don't give her any money and then she calls my husbands aunt over to ***** and yell at us. But my husband spends the money within 24 hours on games and is currently thinking about spending this paycheck on a PS4 instead of a license. I've been currently looking for work, going to several interviews in a week. I told her I had thought about doing housekeeping but she said, "You don't want that job! That's too hard! You wouldn't be able to do it!" and then tells me to go somewhere else to work and how she'll get a discount if I do work there. And when I do try to stand up for myself and my beliefs they all gang up on me like a pack of wolves. Yelling at me, threatening me, cornering me and all my husband says is to "Eat crow." meaning just put up with it. I've thought about when I land a job just getting an apartment of my own. I'm currently studying for my permit and preparing myself for genetic counseling. Last night I kinda just lost it. I yelled at my husbands-uncles sister telling her that she couldn't rely on me to do everything and that since she's such a big adult why doesn't she know how to take care of herself? Why should I have to wipe her ass? Then once again she got on the phone crying to the other aunt that I had a mental break down and needed her to come over, which ended with her threatening to kick us out and put us in a homeless shelter because I don't want to help her anymore. I guess they all voted on it before she came over. My mom doesn't have money to get me back to her state and my husband is an independent contractor so he works 3-6 days out of the week for 5 to 10 hours depending. He gets anywhere from 400 dollars to 600 dollars each paycheck.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

TiredWolf said:


> I've thought about when I land a job just getting an apartment of my own. I'm currently studying for my permit and preparing myself for genetic counseling. Last night I kinda just lost it. I yelled at my husbands-uncles sister telling her that she couldn't rely on me to do everything and that since she's such a big adult why doesn't she know how to take care of herself? Why should I have to wipe her ass? Then once again she got on the phone crying to the other aunt that I had a mental break down and needed her to come over, which ended with her threatening to kick us out and put us in a homeless shelter because I don't want to help her anymore. I guess they all voted on it before she came over. My mom doesn't have money to get me back to her state and my husband is an independent contractor so he works 3-6 days out of the week for 5 to 10 hours depending. He gets anywhere from 400 dollars to 600 dollars each paycheck.


Do that. Get the hell out. This is like some twisted version of Cinderella or something, except there is no fairy god mother coming to save your butt, and the prince is a jerk who nobody in their right mind would want.

Get a job, the first one you can find, get an apartment, get out.

Edited to add: and for goodness sake, stop trying to bring a child into this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you latterly wipe her ass? Or where you speaking figuratively.

I think you need to double up on finding work. Stop telling them what kind of job you will get.. just get anything you can then move out. 

There are some things that might help you. Find an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. You are being emotionally abused. You did not mention physical abuse. Find a place and get into counseling. See if they have any way that they can help you. They might have room in a safe house so at least you can get out of the mad house and away from the crazy family.

Sometimes they can help you find job or get training.

Also check with your local goodwill. they help people get training, jobs and places to live.

And please, no more babies until this issue is cleared up. If you have a baby, it will be 1000 times harder to fix this.


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## TiredWolf (Jul 22, 2015)

We don't plan to have children. After our son passed, we just don't want to have anymore. Not after the hell I've been through to be able to spend time with him. And no, I don't literally wipe her ass, it was a figure of speech. All she does is sit all day and play games on her phone and watch tv.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a day are you spending job hunting?

Is there a Walmart near you? Sam's Club? Costco?

If so have you applied at them?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Is this a culteral thing, all of this communal living with large groups of extended family living together? I saw a film on American Gypsy travelers and it sounds an awful lot like this.

Your husband sounds like he doesn't care to get you out of this mess. The only person who can do that is you. Go to a shelter if you have to, it can't be any worse than what you say you are dealing with. Seriously no one here is going to be able to give you any answer that will help other than get out so fast you leave skid marks.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First you are apparently not from his ethnic group. Second, LIVING WITH PEOPLE IS VERY VERY HARD. My wife had a very hard time with her own mother ling with us. And you don't get to complain because their answer is fine, you're not happy get out. I have some sympathy for the inlaws. The aunt goes to sleep early and you are up late at night disrupting their entire schedule. Look for another place perhaps near the parents so they can help with the baby but you do not have to live with them.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

The problem is not your in laws. The problem is not your husband. The problem, my dear, is you.

Why are you allowing this crappy situation to continue? Your in laws do not care about you. Your husband does not care enough about you to ensure you (or he) have a safe and peaceful environment in which to develop as a couple. You're living in a toxic environment. 

Get yourself out of the situation.
Get a job.
Never look back.

If you don't stand up for yourself, nobody else will. Yes, I'm speaking from experience. I left my husband and his entire family, whom I lived with in hell for 3 years, and not a day has gone by that I haven't thanked my lucky stars. I was hoping he'd join me...he didn't...so I cried for a year, gave him divorce papers, and made peace with the fact that my marriage was going to end. Only it didn't, because he realized what he was losing and he's moved in with me. Things are much better now. I visited my in laws last week and they have not changed a bit...still the venomous crappy people they always were. Did not appreciate the fact that I was being the bigger person and trying to make amends. Moral of the story is: don't look back. Get yourself out of this situation and make your life better. If you don't, nobody else is going to do it for you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Having been married to the kind of guy who would rather spend his money on a gaming system that necessities such as a car, a license, insurance and a home, I say divorce the loser and get on with your life.

You're an adult. You think you're mature enough to be a wife and mother. Than it's past time to start acting like it! Take whatever job you can get. Work hard. Keep your money in a bank account solely in your name that your irresponsible "husband" doesn't have access to. Save. Either he gets his sh*t straight NOW, or you leave him and go on with your life in your own place where you make the decisions and rules.

If you aren't willing to do that, for the love of all that is good and holy, do NOT have another child with this man.

Honestly, if you were living with me and you allowed your husband to continue behaving like a teenager, I'd be pretty annoyed and pissed off at you, too. And I'd certainly make sure you were paying rent, some utilities, your own food, and helping clean the house. No one gets a free ride after 18.


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## TiredWolf (Jul 22, 2015)

Thank you all for your advice and I take it all to heart. I will give everything everyone has told me a try and my best. And your right. I don't have to put up with this toxic, negative, and stress filled environment. All they care about is how I can benefit them and how they can use and control me and my life. I need to get out and fast. I know that if I stay, it would be stupid and it would completely destroy any sort of happiness that may come into my life. Their like a poison or a really bad illness. But the best part is that their is a cure and a way. Today, even though my aunt in law told me I couldn't go out today to be with my husband, I dragged his arse out of the house and told him what was up (not that I haven't been nagging him and telling him this for the past few years). And he told me he was oblivious to how his family treated me. He told me it was because of work, games, etc. And I told him I'm sick of his excuses. I'm sick of him defending them and turning a blind eye to everything that was happening. He wants to try to fix it. But I told him no, it's time I do what I need to do. It's time I fight for my freedom to leave when I want to and do the things that make me happy for once. He's a spoiled fracking brat and he knows it. He gets everything he wants and leaves me with nothing which isn't what marriage is supposed to be about (so I've gathered). Its no long my things and his things it should be "our" things. So starting today I got a job and working to get my own apartment. Thank you all again for your words, even though some where harsh I rather have the cold hard truth than someone sugar coating everything. I'm going to see if there is anyway to save the relationship and perhaps some distance will give him time to really think about all of this. His family will not be allowed in my future home, I have decided. And a few has told me that maybe once we live on our own things will improve. At this point I'm trying anything I can to just be happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, you are heading in the right direction now.

So you got a job today? How cool is that!!

You've had a good talk with your husband. Were I you I would not mention it again. Get some money and move out. 

The reason I say to not mention it again is that your in laws sound more than a bit controlling and crazy. I could see them doing something to prevent you from going to work and/or prevent you from ever leaving the house on your own. 

I suggest that you also find an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse, his entire family is abusing you. They might be able to help you get out sooner than later.

I don't recall if I mentioned it, but Goodwill can often help find a place too. I know someone that they helped, they put down the deposit for an apartment for him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Wow, you got a job! That's awesome! You are on the right track.
I'm also very happy that you had a good straightforward talk with your husband about everything that is going on. Make sure he knows it is unacceptable and call him out on it when he blindly defends his family.

Also - don't make empty promises. To yourself or to him. If you say you're looking for an apartment and moving out, then look for an apartment and move out.


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