# EA or PA whats worse?



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

What is a worse act of betrayal, having a purely physical affair w/ a stranger, or an emotional affair, where you spend alot of time thinking and talking to another person, other than your spouse, specifically in a romantic manner?

Also, does a spouses complete lack of emotion toward you, and complete lack of competence, and interest in sex, justify an affair at all?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think a longer-term EA would be more difficult to deal with when compared to a one-night stand. The one-night stand sounds more like a "mistake" - happened once and was done. A long-term EA - there would have to be a web of lies, and an ongoing attachment that is difficult for the wayward spouse to break free from.

Although its kind of like asking would you rather die drowning, or by fire. Neither, thank you.

Never a good excuse for an affair. If you are truly feeling no chance of intimacy with your spouse, then you should divorce before beginning a new relationship or having one-night stands.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> What is a worse act of betrayal, having a purely physical affair w/ a stranger, or an emotional affair, where you spend alot of time thinking and talking to another person, other than your spouse, specifically in a romantic manner?
> 
> Also, does a spouses complete lack of emotion toward you, and complete lack of competence, and interest in sex, justify an affair at all?


If your marriage is over it's over. You are old enough to know that now. As far as I'm concerned aint no excuses for my behaviour. I'm the one that owns that.

Bob


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

AFEH said:


> If your marriage is over it's over. You are old enough to know that now. As far as I'm concerned aint no excuses for my behaviour. I'm the one that owns that.
> 
> Bob


Uh.....thanks, but my personal situation, or how old I am, has nothing to do w/ the topic. Its a general question about your opinion of whats worse.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Uh.....thanks, but my personal situation, or how old I am, has nothing to do w/ the topic. Its a general question about your opinion of whats worse.


Of course it does! Everything is relative. Especially these sort of things.

EA/PA what's the difference to our partner? Zilch is my answer. There is absolutely no difference. Both are an act of Betrayal. You're looking for a reason, an excuse to betray your wife?

For me there is no excuse. For me it's far better to end my marriage keeping my integrity in tact than it is by going outside it for the things I need in my life.

Bob


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

IMO, a one night stand is less damaging than an EA but if the EA then escalates to a PA that is the most damaging. I think EA's are harder to get over for the disloyal because feelings are most intense _before_ things get physical. Then that fantasy might be better than reality and hard for the disloyal to break away from.

At the end of the day I'm still glad my husband never touched the girl but he was in a very thick affair fog and that really broke my heart.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

The long term EA is definitely harder, because once it's discovered, it's something that continues to exist, and must be broken if the marriage is to continue. Or continues to be a factor in the spouse's emotional state during recovery. The one night stand can be interpreted as a straight-up call for help - "Help! Our marriage is dying and this is the only way I can think of to get your attention!".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is my take on this : I agree we shouldn't lie & go behind our spouses backs so secretively, making a habit of living a double life, it says something about our character if we can "continue" to do this & make a life of it, it would also desensitize us to caring for our spouses at any level. Our life would become living for the lie. Never healthy. Whether a EA (I feel more hurtful), or a string of one night stands. 

This is not to say Good people never fall into these things though! 

Just that BEFORE any thing like that happens (and it could happen to the majority of all humans -unless they are So sacrificial to not recognize their own sexual needs & cravings to be loved & cherished) >>> They need to 1st & formost sit their spouse down, inform gently & honestly as possibly, lay it out there, make it known just how UNhappy, UNfullfilled, even miserable, how each day is a struggle, that resentment has taken hold and how, at this point, easy it would be to fall into the arms of another. Some WARNING BELLS that if things continue as they are, this may be the result. This is honest. This is even honorable - in my opinion. Try to make it less about "You always do this...." but more about "This is how I am feeling, I hurt when...." . Try to be humble when relaying the pain. 

I know I know, many feel their spouses should JUST KNOW these things, but some women are just plain STUPID & clueless , they have other things on thier minds (I used to be one of them- seriously!!), little subtle hints are simply NOT enough. They deserve more than that . 

Does your wife know this could happen , is she aware of how terribly close you are to stepping outside of the marraige? Would she be shocked ?? If you say NO, she KNOWS how deeply hurt you are, how you have been suffering -for years and has done virtually NOTHING to HELP YOU in resolving these feelings, to work on the 2 of you. If that is the case, then I find these spouses less guilty when they fall (as their spouses are just as guilty in not caring as they are). The warning bells have been given, rang & rang & rang again. No excuses left. Yeah, we should just end it all before we look to someone else, but life is not so easy sometimes. 

But for the spouses who had NO warning that something was amiss , even if they are stupid & clueless, it just is another ball game. Eventually all of these things will come out anyway. If you start a EA, she will find out, or the bomb will be layed at her feet when you want to run off with the other woman. It would be MORE hurtful to her then, than hearing it BEFORE it happened. And giving her the oppourtunity to turn it around , to refresh the marraige. 

It's not really healthy to justify either, but it is healthy to be honest with one's spouse, no matter how much it might hurt.


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## puffs31 (Aug 12, 2010)

I think both are equally horrible. And no, there is nothing my spouse could do to me to justify an affair of any kind. I'd get out before an affair could happen.


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