# Give him the money or not ?



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

As my kids grew and wanted things I always felt they needed to learn to pay their own way so many times I would offer to pay half for the item and let them come up with the rest of the cash. I also made them help with buying cars and insurance, etc. They didn't know it but all the money they gave me went into an account for them, and over the years it added up. 

When my daughter moved out I gladly handed over the money to her, she is a responsible level headed kid, but of course my son now realizes he has a stash of money as well, and he is not so responsible. My son is now 20, failed out of college and I know he smokes dope but I will admit he has never come home in a drunken or stoned stupor. He helps around the house and is a personable kid, though a bit quiet. He does work about 30 hours a week but isn't trying for anything better. 

He has never asked for money until now, his best friend moved to Colorado (where they just legalized pot, lol) and my son wants to go live with him. In truth my son is a snowboarder and has always talked about moving to Co., he has been there on vacation and loves it. 

So I have mixed emotions...I hate to just hand him over the money ($5200) and have him go out there and party for a couple months and then want to move back home when he's broke. On the other hand I want him to have some cool life experiences, and maybe going to another state and having to fend for himself will light a fire in him and help him mature. 

I'm leaning toward giving him the money in some form and keeping my fingers crossed. One thing I have considered is keeping control of the money and giving it to him in increments as needed, like for rent, food and car expenses, hoping that would motivate him to find a job for his spending money. But then again I don't want to keep parenting him, I want him to learn to stand on his own, maybe I should just give him the money and help him pack. 

Any thoughts and practical guidance?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You want the kid to stand on his own two feet. Tell him you have x amount of money set aside to help him get a start. Ask him how he wants the money (in a lump sum or doled out) and then tell him about your plans for a man cave in his room and how you'll be changing the locks on the house the minute his car clears the driveway.

His reaction should give you an idea if he is serious about becoming an adult or if this is just a lark and your his fallback plan.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I would say the money is there but set aside for when he wants to make a significant life purchase like a house. To live and snowboard can be funded through a job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think he should be able to save up to pay for his move. Tell him the money is there for a deposit on a house one day. He's working, he's not in school, he could just save up for what he wants imo.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I am happy to read I am not the only parent that is making their kids pay for stuff and saving the money on their behalf. 

In your sons case explain that the money is there but that he has to "earn" access to it by showing you how he intends to support himself if / when he moves out. Get him enthused about drawing up a "plan of action", Living arrangements and cost, job prospects in the new area etc.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

At 20, he's a grown man regardless of whether or not he acts like it.

It's too late now to use the carrot and stick. Hopefully the values you have raised him with will prevail. They don't always. 

I would give him the money. It's what you did for his sister and it doesn't sound like there were any conditions attached.

If he never takes on responsibility, how will he ever become responsible? Stop being his safety blanket and encourage him to be a man.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think your first mistake was letting him think this money is something he's entitled to. The money is a gift that you can chose to bestow. Little late to change that now, I guess...

At 20 years old, not sure how much "parenting" you can still try to do... If you give him the money at once, he'll probably blow through it, and still come knocking for more when his car blows up or he needs a ride home. If you don't give it to him at once, he'll nickel and dime you to death when he realizes it's there for "emergencies". If you tell him the money is there when he decides to do something significant with his life (go to school, buy a house, etc), he'll likely resent you now, but may appreciate you in the future. I'd probably lean towards the latter. Maybe give him some seed money to get him going, but lock the rest away.

C


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe give him a $1000 each year?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Snow boarding is an activity. People enjoy having activities on their days off or on vacation. That means they save their money to plan a vacation or a trip.

Your son is 20. Flunked out of college and has the security of your home and doesn't have the ambition to make anything out of himself. 

Handing him 5+ grand to go off and snow board and hang out isn't going to help him achieve any goals. He might be a good kid but he needs to know that it's time to grow up. 

I'm 66. When I was 18, it had as much value as a bucket of warm spit. Yeah I wanted to do the same things that the "grownups" were doing but wasn't quite there yet. Today, kids are considered adults at 18 and a lot of parents hear the same thing coming from their mouths, "I'm 18 and an adult and you can't tell me what to do." Yet they have no problem coming home to a warm house, raiding the fridge, having a warm bed to sleep in and basically a roof over their head. 

IMO, it's time you sit down with your son and tell him that play time is over and it's time for him to start planning his future which doesn't include sled riding down the side of a mountain. 

He can do that when he's able to afford it with his own money. You can tell him this in a way where is doesn't sound like you busting his chops but you get the point across. if he gets pissed, well then it isn't the end of the world. It's time for him to grow up because in the grown up world, when you reach out for a freebee, a lot of times you get you arm ripped off at the shoulder. There's a place for him in the grown up world and it's his job to find it and take advantage of it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How did you give the money to your daughter and how old was she?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Part of parenting is knowing when to let kids learn from their mistakes. Another part is showing that you have confidence in them. 

By giving him the money you would be doing two things:

Giving him an opportunity to fail where it would be obvious to him that he failed. (Having to ask to come back home, which you can refuse, of course, and make it truly sink or swim.)

And, not giving him a signal that you have no confidence in him.
One of the worst things you can do to another person is to treat them as though you don't really believe that they could succeed in life. If you withhold the money, you are telling your son that you don't think you did a good job of raising him, that at some level he is flawed and incapable of any kind of success, and that you have doubts that he can even get a job of some sort to pay for whatever minimal expenses a ski bum would have. In fact, he can easily get a job at a ski resort or other type of tourism place. He has skills, it's just that you don't recognize the skills as being valuable. People who work in the tourism and recreation trade do okay. I like in a town that has a ski area. It's so easy to get a job there. Even in the summer there are opportunities. 

I think you're worrying too much. Maybe he flunked out of college because it wasn't really his idea to be there to begin with. 

Part of life is deciding what's not for you. It's also in the timing. Really, we live now to be 80 or something. Your son is young. He can always go to college when he's older and has been living on his own, he can get grants and loans he could not otherwise access.

To me, this sounds really controlling, all this hullaballoo over $5200.00. Pay for his health insurance for the next year out of it, make sure he's had his teeth cleaned and a medical checkup, and send him on his way.

Good grief. Would you rather he enlist in the military and go to Afghanistan or somewhere else? Would that be more responsible for you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Homemaker makes a good point. I could see doing that, BUT before I handed over the cash I would have to say "Understand that this is me seeing you off as an adult, and as an adult, I want you to understand that you're on your own. If you decide to move back, it'll be as a paying houseguest like any other person - you'll be expected to either be in school full time or working full time and there will be rent."


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'd give him the money and let it be up to him as to whether he sinks or swims. He's a grown man, you saved that money for him to have as an adult. He may not yet be the adult you want him to be but that's not always up to us as parents. 

He sounds pretty cool, although unconventional...a free spirit kind of guy. I think this move can be a learning experience one way or the other. I do like homemaker's advice about spending some of it responsibly for health care and the like, maybe three months rent too. Other than that though, I'd give him the cash. 

I also like turnera's advice about giving him the cash but telling him that you are seeing him off as an adult and that he's to handle this new chapter on his own.

I just don't want to see you end up like my Aunt, she's had her adult son back at home for eleven months now - along with his toothless girlfriend and she's not too happy about it as she just retired shortly after they moved into her garage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, DD23 has always known my rules: once you graduate high school, you're either in school full time or working full time (and paying rent) or else you're moving out on your own. It's helped her grow up and set realistic goals.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This is the OP....thanks for all the thoughts. 

I really had no long term plans for putting the money aside for the kids, short term it was to get them to feel an investment in things they wanted, other than that the money just collected to give back to them some day. I gave my daughter her money when she wanted to buy a better car and move into an apartment, she was 19 then and has been self supporting for the most part ever since, she's 23 now.

As a parent I will admit to being a bit demanding but have always encouraged my kids to reach out of there comfort zone, personally I would like my son to live crazy for a few years, not drug using type crazy but exploring life crazy. I don't think he will return to college but he is a smart and capable kid so if he can find his nitch he will be OK. 

I told him the decision is up to him, I won't hand him the entire amount but would give him $1000 a month for 3 months, that will cover his half of the rent and other expenses plus money to live on. There's no reason he couldn't find a job before the money runs out.
If he comes back home after that he either returns to school or starts paying me rent, or lives somewhere else.

He's currently considering all his options (his words)


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I would wait until he has achieved something on his own and then give him the money and you want to know for what it is (house down payment for example). You earned the money after all.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm in the zookeeper, turnera, homemaker_numero_uno camp!

I'd hand him the $5200 and tell him, "You're an adult now, it's up to YOU to build the life YOU want. Think about what you want to do with your life and where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years. 

If you stay in this house, it's as an on-time-rent-paying tenant beginning the first of next month. 

Once you move out, you're out TO STAY. You will have declared your independence and I will take you as a man of your word; there'll be no more living in this house. You're welcome to visit for a week as a houseguest, but no more living here."

Either way, he's going to have to pony-up some weed money as rent money (to you, or to some landlord).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Since you gave your daughter all of it when she was younger than your son is now, you really can't hold back on him. Unfortunately a precedent has been set and he'll just be resentful if you show favoritism towards your daughter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sometimes, blowing all that money while young is a great motivator and teacher. But ONLY if you don't cave when he comes crawling back. Which is why you MUST state up front no more free rides.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Nothing wrong with little bit of a toke. Better than alcohol....

Personally, I would want my kids close to me (in the area) vs other state so I probably wouldn't want that.

But if it's something he wants, give it to him. Tell him to make it useful and give him the final lessons of being responsible etc etc.


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

Why not invest it in a business in CO that capitalizes on both 4:20 and snowboarding? Lots of young people are making a living in CO leading tours and snowboarding/outdoor activity trips for visiting stoners. He should play to his strengths and cash in.


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