# How many stay for the kids?



## huskyfan (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm in a bad marriage- no 2 ways about it.
My kids are 16, 15 and 11- I thought it would be easy to leave (or threaten to leave) at least- but the more I see some of my kids friends- the more I can't seem to let go- A lot of responses I see here say "kids will be fine" - I'm not so sure about that- How are they fine if they are separate from mom and dad? Granted they should be in a loving household where they witness their parents in a healthy marriage- What about them being in at least a tolerable marriage with the focus being on the kids (always supportive etc)

I fail to see how leaving makes this kids "OK"- I'm very attached to mine and would not be able to leave them......thoughts?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have several friends who were the children in these situations. They're angry at their parents for putting them through that and and they feel guilt for helping to make their parents lives miserable when they could have been happier either alone or with someone else.

One of them begged their mom to leave their dad when she was a teen. She told her she only wanted to see her mother happy again.


----------



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

My kids are 20 and 17. I would say I have been staying for the kids at least for the last 10 years. I know my husband has been staying for the kids part of this time. We are currently in M/C. I am currently in I/C, also.

So far my kids seem to be fine. The 20 year old appears to be functioning well as a young adult. He is currently 1500 miles away from home doing a co-op for his engineering degree. There have been no problems with him not wanting to stand on his own.

My daughter is 17. So far so good. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She gets good grades, plays sports, and doesn't run wild.

I don't know if they would have been better off if we hadn't stuck it out. We are trying to fix it for ourselves at this point. Who knows maybe we will. If we aren't able to fix the marriage at least we will feel like we tried to give the kids a stable foundation.

I know people say kids learn a lot of bad things from a bad marriage. Our relationship has been very challenging. Maybe they will be glad we gave it all we had if it doesn't work out.

I know one thing for sure you can find a study supporting both sides of the argument. The thing is no one can say for sure.

My thought is how much can you stand and how civil can you be to each other. 

I don't know if this helps at all, just where we are at.


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Are both you and your spouse committed to staying together for the sake of the kids? I don't see how you are doing the kids any favors by staying together if they witness constant fighting and stress between the parents. But if you are both committed to staying for the kids sake then I would suggest counseling and doing anything you can for the sake of the marriage. No sense in both of you being miserable.

As for the kids being ok after a divorce I know plenty of adults who were children of divorce. Some of them are ok and some aren't. From what I can tell it depends a lot on how the parents handle the divorce. The kids of parents who were bitter and continued to fight after the divorce didn't do as well as the kids of parents who tried to keep it civil and have some sort of amicable relationship. My husband's ex wife used the kids to manipulate and spy on us when they were kids, now they are all grown. My 30 something step daughter is still a basket case while my oldest step son doesn't speak to either parent and my younger step son has nothing to do with his mother. My sister and her ex kept it civil and friendly and I think my niece and nephew coped much better.


----------



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I think something to think about is this. If you do this you still need to be faithful to each other. I do not think it will work at all otherwise. 

Counseling should seriously be considered. This is a very lonely kind of relationship. Even if you both agree the marriage can't be saved and you are staying together for the kids, it is hard. We all have needs and want to feel like someone is there for us. The loneliness can be overwhelming.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

When it comes down to it, I stay for the kids. My husband and I rarely fight and I do my best to hide from them any unhappiness I might have. My kids have only seen me cry once in their lives (oldest is a teen). 

As long as there's no open hostility, abuse, or nastiness, I don't see anything wrong with staying for the kids.

My husband and I have worked hard to afford the kids a relatively comfortable upbringing-- that would disappear if we divorced since the money would be spread thin between households/ child support, not to mention the handsome sum that would go to attorney fees. I couldn't bear to have that on my conscience. The money belongs to the kids and their future, not my divorce settlement.

If you're in a situation where there is substance abuse, physical abuse, or any other severe circumstance that's different (obviously).


----------



## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

Try to cover it up so far, i dont think leaving kids will be ok talk about the problem solve em up...


----------



## candygirl99 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am trying to figure this out now. I love my son to death... I really think my H does too.

Seems so wrong that because my H won't agree to put some effort in the marriage my son will suffer. By suffer... I mean not enjoying a mom and a dad every day.

I guess that is why I don't understand why married couples don't work through whatever problem they have. You made a committment when you married someone. Why can't people honor their word and the commitment they made? I am willing to do this with my spouse... because of the committment I made and for my son.

I think in my case... I can't stay with my H who refuses to communicate, make any committment to try to reconnect, forgive for past mistakes we both made. I think I would become depressed and loose my sanity... which would not help my son in the least.


----------



## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

In my opinion, its best to leave if H and W can't stand each other and are not going to be truly happy with each other. 

Children can sense when the adults around them are unhappy and having problems, this is more damaging than having to take turn to spend time with happy parents individually. I have close cousin who is a young adult now who had to put up with unhappy parents during childhood through teenage and now it really haunts her and I should say had had some impact on her personality. 

Having said that if you and your wife are confident that you will never let your children sense anything is wrong between you two then its good decision to stay together.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Hi, I am that kid.

My mom stayed in a relationship with my ex step dad for 13yrs because she wanted to be doing the best for us she could. She wanted to teach us family, and love, etc etc and make sure we had everything we needed without problem so we could live a comfortable life.

So far, I've had two relationships. My first ex, just like my step father, thought I wasn't good enough and had me down to 108lbs, listening to different music, dressing different, and with red hair. Why? because I watched my mom for 11 of those 13 years fake it. I watched her do everything she could to try and keep it together and make it work for "us" and watched the person my mom is completely disappear and this empty shell of a woman parade around pretending we were the Cleavers.

My second Ex, the guy I married, I did the same exact thing with. I molded to who and what he wanted, did everything in the world to keep him happy and keep things stable and happy, and ultimately it was to our demise. That relationship turned into a mini-version of my moms relationship to my step dad. it just lasted 6yrs instead of 13.

The bottom line here is, I love my mom. My brothers love my mom. We loved our step dad too, but I can't even tell you what I would have given to see my mom happy at some point throughout my childhood. How amazing it would've been to have her present, instead of the shell. 

I would not have moved out so soon to escape the environmental tension, would not have ended up screwing up college, and I would have learned at least a little more clearly, that it is not worth it to force yourself to be miserable for principle. My mom is amazing, she'd give everything for someone, she would, and ultimately, she did for way too long. And what that did, was teach me that's how a woman acts, that's what you're supposed to do.

It is so much better for both parents to be separate and happy, than faking it for the kids. believe me, I know.


----------



## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I am a child from divorced parents (when I was 7). I think the big thing is COMMUNICATION with your children through this. And it's even better if you and your spouse can talk to them TOGETHER. My parents did absolutely NO TALKING to me or my sister through their divorce. My sister had a harder time dealing (she was 14). If they would have talked to us and my mom hadn't bashed my dad for the last 25 years, I think we'd have been a lot better off. I never felt like their divorce was my fault (like some kids do). I just took it as something that was happening, never cried or asked questions. I blame my lack of communication skills on my parents though. So I am doing everything in my power to teach my daughter to ask questions and talk about anything!


----------



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I think this really depends on the individual family and even the individual children. Both my children know we are in M/C. My son maintains that he had a happy childhood and we did a great job. My daughter says she could tell I wasn't happy for a long time. She is much more intuitive than my son.

Another point being divorced doesn't guarantee you will be happier. I have gone back and forth on whether I shouldn't have stayed. At this point in time, I am glad we didn't split up. There is a lot of dysfunction on both sides of our family. I have always felt if I had divorced, my mother in law would have been way too helpful to my husband. I have felt that the kids would have had three parents instead of two. It wouldn't have been a good situation. 

My marriage doesn't have any abuse in it. We are currently working on dysfunctional communication patterns. I don't know if that would have ever been addressed. My next relationship could have had the same problems. My point is you might as well work on your individual problems and see what happens.


----------

