# do we allow contact?



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Me and my husband happily addopted my brothers two wondrful little girls into our family earlier this year after he passed away from cancer.
We have worked so hard to make them feel safe and secure and so much wanted.
Sleepless nights , days of non stop crying and generally rebelling ..all this was so expected and we have had guidance from social workers etc ..
Well we have all adjusted into being a large family we have two boys ourself who have become rocks to the girls and we have all started to smile again and enjoy being together after what has been a terrible year.
Last week we were informed that the girls natrual mother would like to have contact once a month.
I feel like things have only just settled and now we have another hurdle to cross.
The social worker said its completly up to us!! she hasnt been part of there lifes for 3 years ,she walked out just after the youngest was born ,with out telling my brother where she was going ..it turned out she had met someone else and didint want to be a parent.
Now she wants to build a relationship with her daughters, which i do agree with , i just feel once a month isnt enough to build any kind of relationship with a 3 and 6 year old ,is it worth the heart ache? do we give her that chance or not ? any advice would be so greatly recieved thanks


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Kudos to you for taking in your precious nieces! That is the face of true love. 

As for the Mom, well, I know from experience, my Dad died when I was twelve, that it is Very traumatic, as I'm sure you've seen by now.

They are very young, and to bring in a Mother , who abandoned them , without so much as a thought, and only wants to see them once a month. I think it's not a good idea. I am Not saying she should never have a relationship with them, but at this point, in their healing process , and because of their tender ages , it might only bring in more heartache, and confusion.

Imagine having your Dad die, and then all of a sudden your long lost mom appears out of nowhere to say she cares all of a sudden.

I would sit down with the Mother, discuss the kids fragile state, and tell her you don't want them hurt by this. Tell her that if she has any intention of just running off again, that she will not be allowed back in their lives. Tell her that she needs to see them at Least every other weekend. Although it might be good to start off slowly at first, and of course, a visit with you and your hubby there, is most appropriate, so the kids don't feel scared and overwhelemed.

Ultimately, you are the ones who have helped them through this time, and are the ones they probably see as their parents now. So, you need to make the Mother aware that you're going to do what is in the best interest of the kids. 
I don't see any reason why she can't eventually have a relationship with them, but it will have to be on the kids, and your terms, not hers... since she lost all credibility when she walked out on them.

Play it out slowley, and do what you think is best for the kids. Ask the older one what she/he might think of seeing her Mother.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank you marina 
I have spokern at length to my ex sister in law about how she could have a part in her childrens future, She sighed away all rights into there upbringing, but me and my husband have always left the door open for her to have contact, i do feel the time is not right for the girls they have accepted us as there mummy and daddy and i really dont want to confuse them any more.

would it be totally selfish for us to ask her to wait months and then we could review the situation? another thing the eldest has had so many emotional upsets in her life i just want things to be normal for a while for all of us.

At the moment i just feel like i overcome one thing at another gets thrown at us .
I dont want the girls to grow up and think that we have stoped them seeing there real mummy , i just hope she wants proper contact and not just walks in and out of there lifes they are to precious for that to happern.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask their Mother to wait a while, before stepping back into the picture. 
They have been through an awful lot, as have you and your husband. 
If she is truly there for the best interests of her kids, then she'll understand that you're only trying to do what's best for them. And she'll stick around and wait paitently for the day when they are ready to meet her again. If you truly feel they are not ready, and neither are you.. then you've got every right and reason , to put it off, till you feel it's a better time. And it sounds as though you have got sole custody of them anyhow, so, ultimately, the decision is yours and your hubby's.

I think it is very sensible to keep her a bay for a few more months. It won't be forever, adn they will someday have a relationship with her, but it has to be very slowly.

Perhaps you could in a few weeks, or months, have their mom write them a note, send a card. To ease into this slowly? Just a note to say hi, or for a holiday, so that they don't get blindsided by her all of a sudden popping back into their lives. And after a few months of communication via the mail, then you could ask the kids if they'd like to meet with her, and tell them that you'd be there, and that you will make sure they are comfortable. 

But, waiting, I think, is probably in the best interest of the children, and I think you're doing a fab job of looking out for them.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

yes we have sole custody and thankyou i agree that letter writting is probably the best way to go.
Both of the girls have ajusted so well considering the hell they have been through, i just cant risk her walking in and out of there lifes she needs o prove to us shes going to build a relationship so if that means that we get to know her and her current b/f before we allow her to see them then she will have to accept that, if she doesnt then im guessing its gonna be tough for all concerned .
The last thing i want is her turning up at the school gates or local park ,i hope she takes in that its for the girls and they have to come first


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I hope so too. If she is sensible, she'll be concerned for their welfare only, and will agree to the rules you set forth. You're their parents now, whether she likes it or not. Just keep strong, and go with your gut.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank you so much ..its good to just get someone elses point of view .. to see a clearer picture


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I spoke on the phone to her last night . To say she was not happy is a understatment !!! 
I also found out she has had another child since who lives with his dad !! history repeating.
She feels that once a month is enough to build a relationship with her daughters , i feel at 3 and 6 it will just be traumatic for them to long apart to build any relationship.
My husband just wants us to stop any kind of contact because she has been so abusive towards us ... 
I just dont want the girls to feel that we crushed any hopes of them seeing there real mummy .
Why is it just when things get going good ...something throws a spanner in the works .
AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!! SCREAM !!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

oh ,well this changes everything. Life does do that to you. Good old Murphy coming around again with his laws ;-).... he visits me A lot haha...
Well, in light of what you've told me, I think maybe your hubby is right about this one. She sounds like she's a serial child abandoner. Now has another one that she's left with it's dad? 

That's a warning sign. Once a month isn't enough to be beneficial to kids, especially not young ones. And if she can't be respectful to you, then she most likely won't respect the boudaries you put forth, and do what's best for the girls. I think it might be mostly motivated by her guilt, and it's more about her doing this so she can be okay with herself. I don't know that the kids are her first concern, I'd say it's safe to assume they are not.

I would think this through, and if she can't agree to do it your way, I'd tell her to take a hike. You ultimately are the parents now, and she has no credibility in terms of her relationships, or lack thereof, with her children, the newest of which is now living with it's Dad also.

Keep updates.... Take care


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my mum and dad took on my nephew when he was 4 weeks old. the mother is a nutta and the father my brother, just a waster.
my nephew is 13 this yr and my parents will admit to back and fore court.
my mum even had a stroke when she was i think 42. the stress was the main factor. the court was too much. 
the mother would and wouldnt want contact.
but looking back and despite his mother is a nutbag. 
the mother did lots of things to play games.
would be polite and perfect in social service sessions. and a total freak the rest of the time.
with time she stopped turning up for sessions and courts and she had asked for them in the first place.
whatever the mother is like now, that i promise will not change.
your lives will one minute b good and shattered again and then good.
she wil be in and out of your lives with the maximum disruption she can cause at times.
my parents went through phases of the mother not having him, then she wanted him. she hasnt seem him for a yr now. but my nephew isnt stupid. hes a good boy.
hes knows what his parents are - which is a shame and he does miss family values as he sees me with my own children.
his mother gets him second hand gifts for birthdays. but mum stopped that and puts them in the bin.
yet my nephews half sister gets everything and strangely enough when she was born she was given up for 18 months.
i think also looking back you can only do the best for the children.
when you feel her being around is having neg impact - i suggest the leave them alone approach. when its calm again allow the mother.
trust is also huge . my mum hates letin my nephew go as she doesnt trust his parents. but they really are idiots.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Well we have had a real restless weekend  we have tried to reason with her , i dont think we are wrong to ask her to wait a few months ..she wasnt around when my brother was dieing and he asked for her to be part of the girls lifes she refused.
We want her to see them always have ..we just need this time to become a family unit together to gain the trust of two very hurt little girls who are still struggling to come to terms with daddy not being with them.
She has spent the weekend just phoning and putting the phone down when we anwser..
Im sure we will end up in court again all im asking for is 3 months is that to much ? she hasnt seen them or been bothered for over 3 years 3 months isnt going to make much more of a differents...
or are we being selfish ?


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

:iagree: what everybody is saying, they are way too young and she does not sounds very positive. When they are a little bit older let them know what has happened and let them make the decision to either see her or not..

I can tell you from my point of view, I come from divorce parents, the separted when I was 3 and my brother 5, I really do not remember much of anything, but my brother does some of the stuff. My mother moved back to her country (he is american) with us and re married, my stepfather raised us, and he is our father for all intends and purpose. 

My biological father, was not required to pay child support, we are talking back in the late 60s' early 70s', but he paid something very small anyways. One day when we were about 12 and 14 he decided that we did not need anymore child support money, and cut it off. He did not attempt any type of normal contact with us or even send us b'day cards. But when I was 20, married and moved back to the US, he send me a letter trying to establish contact, on his letter he trash my mom and expected me to just accept him with open arms.

I mean he even send a letter (which I saw), when I was about 10, telling my mother that she sould have let my stepfather adopt us and forget about him. My mother never hid from us what had happen and what was going on, when we were older she gave us the chance to either contact him or not. 

Right now, my brother and me have contact with him, but do not call him DAD or feel any attachment to him. And our contact is nothing more than passing HI, Xmas cards or phone calls twice a year. I tell you this story so you see where I am coming from. If she has the best of intentions then she willl know how to wait and abait to your rules.

So, ask for as long as you need, I do not think that 3 months would do it. Probably 1 year, you have full custody and she can pout all she wants. Tell her to give you a picture of herself with a letter for the girls, you can start preparing the kids by having her picture on the counter and telling them who she is. And telling them that when they feel ready they can see her. She should send letters as often as she can, as long as they are not offensive, disrespectful or disturbing, and you will read it to them and prepare the kids for when they are ready to see her.

Do what your heart and instinct tells you and forget about her tantrums, the law is on your side.

Bella


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> ..
> or are we being selfish ?


Absolutely not! Everything you are doing is with the best interest of the children in mind.

Everything she is doing is for selfish reasons. She wants to see them when it's convenient for her but she abandoned them twice. Once when she left your brother and again when she knew she was soon to be their only living parent. She hasn't demonstrated any reason why having the children visit with her at this point would help them.

I totally agree with you on waiting and letting the girls settle in. It sounds as though you've made strides in making their lives as normal as possible in a horrible situation & if their mother is too selfish to really want what is best for the girls right now, you are the only one that can stand up for them.

I think she's done enough to prove that she comes before the girls and before she would see them agian, I would like some sort of proof that it really is about them and not her.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I say give her the chance, if once a month is all she can handle right now, then let it go at that. But I would not introduce her as their mother yet, I would ask her to give it time it may be to confusing at this time, just for her to come by as a "friend" let it grow

It may take time and when it is time to inform the kids that is their natural mother, then it will work, but if she comes by for a few visits and then disappears again, well it would be damaging if they knew that was mommy and left again.

So friend first, mother in due time.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Well we have had a real restless weekend  we have tried to reason with her , i dont think we are wrong to ask her to wait a few months ..she wasnt around when my brother was dieing and he asked for her to be part of the girls lifes she refused.
> We want her to see them always have ..we just need this time to become a family unit together to gain the trust of two very hurt little girls who are still struggling to come to terms with daddy not being with them.
> She has spent the weekend just phoning and putting the phone down when we anwser..
> Im sure we will end up in court again all im asking for is 3 months is that to much ? she hasnt seen them or been bothered for over 3 years 3 months isnt going to make much more of a differents...
> or are we being selfish ?


you have your ideas of what you want for them and you are now their guardians. you are not selfish and your reasoning for what you are doing is very logical.
the thing is here , your living your life and you know what the mother is like.
you know the facts of the relationship between your brother and her and the relationship you have yourselves. a turbulent one.
i think your doing a grand job.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree: you are NOT being selfish, your heart is in the right place. Stick to your guns, make her wait three months then slowly allow her in as a friend.

she is garbage to me anyway, leaving the young ones....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thankyou all so much.
Its good to get lots of peoples points of view and it truly does help.
We have desided that she can have contact in 3 months time ,if shes still about then ( and i doubt it ) it will prove to us that she really does want to see them and its not just a spare of the moment thing.
And if she does surprize us then we will take it step by step and hope that we can all keep things on a good level for our wonderful girls 
many thanks


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