# Am I Being A Paranoid Nut-Case? I Need a Reality Check...



## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

I think I'm losing my mind. 

Back story: My husband and I have been married for thirteen years and we have three kids and one on the way. Our marriage has been pretty easy, no major problems until the last year or so, when finances have made things very stressful. We lost our business and almost lost our house, and - it's just incredibly stressful sometimes. We're so busy with work and kids, and so stressed out about money, that when we do have time to talk, we generally don't have much to say to each other that is positive. 

We have never had issues with infidelity or cheating. Sometimes he has a "work wife" - a woman at work who he talks to about most things, goes to lunch with, does work stuff with, and keeps in touch with after the fact. But those relationships have never been cause for concern, although sometimes it hurts my feelings. I don't think he has behaved inappropriately, but I'm insecure.

We never have sex anymore - maybe once or twice a month, and he says it's because I'm pregnant. (He doesn't like having sex with me when I'm pregnant - never has. He has some weird baby phobia thing.) We don't even sleep in the same bed right now because I snore when I'm pregnant - like a freaking buzzsaw. (It goes away after I have the baby, every time.) So basically there is no intimacy between us at all. 

He has another work wife now - a married girl who is quite a bit younger, and I feel very uneasy about it. I'm feeling really gross and disgusting right now (eight months pregnant), and maybe that's contributing to my paranoia, because I can't shake the feeling that he's having an emotional affair or maybe has a crush on her. 

He has a job where they are required to work in teams, making visits to various people, and she isn't his assigned partner, but they almost always go together anyway because they get along and are both easy going. I know they chat a lot, that they text a little bit - stuff like that. I know she complains about her husband to him, because he's told me some of the more outrageous stuff he's done. She is his Facebook friend and last night while I was sitting there working on my laptop they were IMing each other for a good half-hour. And then he changed his Facebook password right afterward. He hides his iPhone from me - he doesn't say that's what he's doing, but I swear it is never out of his sight - he even takes it to bed with him. 

He's taken up running over the past month and secretly went to a weight loss clinic and didn't tell me about it. I guess he's taking diet pills (he's about 40 pounds overweight). I just found the charge for the weight loss clinic on his credit card bill - he has one card that is just his and I guess he figured I wouldn't see the charge, but he's been asking me to get more involved in the bills, so I opened it.

He has this thing about privacy - he has always been adamant that email should be private - that he should have something that is JUST HIS. That I should trust him. (Once I was feeling insecure and installed a keylogger and got into his email accounts and there wasn't a single thing in his email that caused me any concern at all. He wasn't doing anything - he just wanted his privacy. So then I felt like a jerk and uninstalled it.) 

He is a good man, and I love him. He has given me no reason not to trust him, and yet I can't shake this feeling. I know that i can be unjustifiably paranoid and jealous. I'm trying not to overreact to any of this, but feeling as insecure and gross as I feel right now - it's difficult. I sort of want to install another keylogger and just - put my mind at ease so that I can stop being angry with him for things he may not even be doing.

I could use some outside, unbiased opinions... Am I being paranoid?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

The one thing I find weird is that he changed his FB password right after his conversation with her. That would set off red flags for me; if there is nothing to hide, WHY change the password. 
I get the workwife things...because I have a workhusband (heck, I have a workwife too, for that matter) but they are also friends with my H and there is nothing appropriate going on, so, no harm no foul.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Any one of these things alone might not be any big deal, but when you add them up, it comes out a little fishy. It might not be anything, but I would look into it. 

I know he values his privacy, but in marriage, if given a reason to be suspicious, IMO, it takes a back seat. I would do a little snooping around. Be as un-intrusive as possible unless you find something that makes you want to dig deeper. 

Having work friends and things like that is perfectly fine... as long as it's open and honest about everything. Once the hiding starts, then the red flags go up.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is wise for you to keep in mind that he could be involved in an EA. Keep that in mind but from his actions my gut says he has some kind of infatuation with this woman. I think it wise to monitor the situation. The lack of sex doesn’t concern me much. If he in the past wasn’t comfortable with sex during pregnancy then he is in his normal pattern. The financial stress could be a factor also. The weight loss clinic is a sign he may feel uncomfortable with his weight and TOW could definitely be a driver there but so could health. Has he had a check up lately that might have made him more health conscious? With the pregnancy, stress and hormones, I hope you are just being a little paranoid but I would monitor the situation. He has proved to be honest with you in the past about his need for privacy and that’s good. If sex is off the table make sure you have time for physical intimacy in the form of hugs, cuddling and just having time to yourselves.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Put key logger back on and see what he says when you offer a bj.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Being pregnant with hormones going crazy, everything made me paranoid. However, I have been in that same situation, eight months pregnant and wondering. Yes, I would look into it, it is not worth the toll it is taking or will take on your health and the baby's with the stress of always wondering. I fully believe that everything in a relationship should be open for the taking. Not that you have to check up on him every second of the day, but if he has nothing to hide then what is the big deal. I am curious on how long you had the keylogger installed for? I know this sounds hypocritcal about being open and honest, but like GPR said when you start to put all those things together, I don't think he is being very "open" right now. 

I have been down this road so many times I could go in my sleep. If he is being secretive, he is hiding something and you need to get to the bottom of it. Why not be open about the weight loss clinic and diet pills, I don't see anything wrong with that. Do you normally share this type of information with each other? If not then maybe nothing to worry about. 

In all that I have been through, one thing I have learned, is to trust my instincts and go with them. Sad thing is - I was probably right 99.9% of the time and it took me 13 years to figure it out.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

If his behavior has changed and he's secretive he is hiding something. That nagging feeling you have deep inside that tells you something is wrong. Listen to it. Figure it out. Don't wait till its to late and be on here crying like me. Snooop. Don't feel bad. He is authorizng you to do this for being so damn sneaky. There is no privacy. You are married. Now go download some things to find out. Go on. Seriously. Its okay. Its your right to know. Now go and let us know what you find.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

beyond betrayal said:


> If his behavior has changed and he's secretive he is hiding something. That nagging feeling you have deep inside that tells you something is wrong. Listen to it. Figure it out. Don't wait till its to late and be on here crying like me. Snooop. Don't feel bad. He is authorizng you to do this for being so damn sneaky. There is no privacy. You are married. Now go download some things to find out. Go on. Seriously. Its okay. Its your right to know. Now go and let us know what you find.


:iagree:


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

We talked about it on Thursday and Friday. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with his friendship with her. That I didn't mind their friendship at work, but the after hours chatting and texting seemed excessive. I told him I knew it was probably harmless, but since I'm eight months pregnant and a little hormonal, could he please cool it, because the idea that he needed to have so much contact with another woman was hurting my feelings.

He apologized and said he wouldn't talk to her outside of work again - no more chatting on Facebook and no more texting. We had a good talk, although he did make me feel like I was being a little irrational and paranoid.

Today I walked into our room and found him texting someone, and he practically jumped off of the bed and tried to hide his phone. Obviously something was up, but I didn't say anything about it. 

Tonight I checked our cell phone bill online. Over 100 texts back and forth with her in the last four days. I logged into his Facebook and he's been chatting with her there too, although he's deleted his chat history. I know they've been chatting because she was online, with a chat window and message waiting for him. I just logged out. 

I don't know what they've said to each other, because he guards his iPhone with his life, but - obviously 100 texts in four days, when he's sworn not to talk to her outside of work is a little excessive, right? 

I'm so pissed off right now.


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## InThatSituation (Aug 10, 2009)

I completely understand. I am somewhat in the same situation. My husband use to work with this female up till 2005. After he left his job, I assumed that the friendship cooled off. She was a problem for day one. Come to find out...he talks to her every morning and evening..when he knows I'm at work...He gave me the same talk around the same time a couple of weeks ago. I checked the cell phone records today...I hope your situation is working out better for you than me. I feel that they might be having a emotional affair...I see this heffer out, and she doesn't know me....maybe, I should call her husband, and see how he feels about the situation..


Sorry, for the venting..


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think its a husbands job to indulge his wifes paranoia about other woman, especially when pregnant. I would ask to see all 100 text messages. Its not a privacy issue, its a proof issue. If it is really just work between them then it should be no problem, the phone can go back to being just his after he shows you those messages.

Tell him what you have told us, and that his actions are feeding your anxiety instead of reducing it and it's not good for your child. You have given up your very body and have a peice of him inside you, the least he can do is let you see his phone for 15 min. Dont take any b.s. excuses, if he wont let you see the messages he is having at least an EA.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Always listen to your gut feelings. I feel you have a problem here with the combination of things you have shared with us. One of those things alone wouldn't necessarily be a red flag. But, several things going on in the same time frame is reason for alarm.

Remember that cheaters are liars! They lie to cover themselves. They lose track of what they tell you and they tell conflicting stories. In the end they hang themselves. Pay close attention to what he says. For example, he said he wouldn't contact this woman outside of work. Then you caught him text messaging her. 

Hang in there!


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