# New here



## Davidokongo (Jul 2, 2019)

Hey guys,
Im new here. Male 36yrs. Married for 10 yrs now to a lovely woman. 2 kids, no sex for the past 6 yrs or so and im battling what to do with my marriage. Cheat or just leave? Goshhh it's so exausting. Well there you have it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Davidokongo said:


> Hey guys,
> Im new here. Male 36yrs. Married for 10 yrs now to a lovely woman. 2 kids, no sex for the past 6 yrs or so and im battling what to do with my marriage. Cheat or just leave? Goshhh it's so exausting. Well there you have it.


Your message is so common here as to almost be a meme. You will have no issue finding a relevant thread. There should almost be a forum here for your specific scenario.

But.... for now... why do YOU think there's no sex? What have you done so far to change that? If you were to ask her, is sex the biggest issue in your marriage, or is there something else?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sorry you are here for that reason. You will find a TON of other threads where folks have gone (or are going) through what you are.

First DO NOT CHEAT. Divorce first if you must, but don't cheat -- that would be all on you.
Have you talked about it with your wife already? If so, what is her view.
Have you done Marriage Counseling or individual counseling?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi David,

As others have said you will find countless threads like yours on this forum. Unfortunately you will find that a great number do not end up getting the result they want. I'm just going to list 2 points for your consideration.

1. There is something going on outside the bedroom in your relationship that has trashed y'all sex life. It could be anything from emotional baggage, addiction, depression, etc etc etc. The state of one's sexual life is usually a symptom of something going on elsewhere.

2. The people that do turn these situations around are those people that are proactive about it. I don't mean that they talk talk talk to the spouse about it. What I mean is they may say something like " This is not what I signed up for in a marriage and it is unacceptable. I therefore will try for 6 more months and then I am finished." Your statement might not be that one but it is an example. Most people that succeeded had a "defining moment." If not not ready to have your defining moment and act on it....then you better NEVER say it because it only reinforces that you make idle threats and can't stand by them.

Keep in mind that YOU may very well be the problem. These things usually have blame on both sides.

Don't cheat...just don't do it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheating in a marriage is never a good alternative. It's cowardly and selfish. It shows your inability to effectively deal with the problem.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Cheating in a marriage is never a good alternative. It's cowardly and selfish. It shows your inability to effectively deal with the problem.


Yup....file.
Why did you wait so long?


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## Davidokongo (Jul 2, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> Cheating in a marriage is never a good alternative. It's cowardly and selfish. It shows your inability to effectively deal with the problem.


Thanks guys for your reply.

-->i know that cheatin is BAD but that might be my only solution for now. She seems ok with no intimacy between us. I can't divorce right now for financial reason ( half a million business of us on the line). She don't want counseling saying most women go through the same phases as she is right now but just how long am i gonna sit here like dummy?
I stopped watching porn about 9 months ago cuz ill awalys feel dirty afterwards:-(.

Why would anyone with good conscience be on a marriage and deny their SO intimacy? I dont get it. I see a lots of dude complaining about it in here. How long before she turns around and go back to her old ways? Mannnn, i see a lots of women on a daily basis at work and they sound attracted to me aswell (i'dsayi am an OK lookin guy) so the temptation is everywhere. 

Im at a point to propose her to have a male friend so i can have girl buddy aswell and maybe this will open our relationship some different ways and stop takin it for granted? On the real, cant take another year of these rejections . 

Now i understand why 90% clients of prostitutes are married men. Im about to go down that road soon, unfortunately.


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## Davidokongo (Jul 2, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Sorry you are here for that reason. You will find a TON of other threads where folks have gone (or are going) through what you are.
> 
> First DO NOT CHEAT. Divorce first if you must, but don't cheat -- that would be all on you.
> Have you talked about it with your wife already? If so, what is her view.
> Have you done Marriage Counseling or individual counseling?



Yes she doesn't want counseling and i really can't afford divorce right now and she knows it.

Last year, her nephew asked me about the right age to get married and i told him:NEVER F*CKIN GET MARRIED OR AT LEAST GET A PRENUP and she got mad sayin im a bad role model. But damn, how about sendin your nephew somewhere he will be unhappy and rejected for the rest of his miserable life? I wish i had done a prenup but i was 22, young and full of love and a big chunk of that heritage money. I really wish i did.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She could care less what you want. You seem to want her to "get it" but I don't think you understand her. She's fine with this. You don't matter.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Davidokongo said:


> Yes she doesn't want counseling and i really can't afford divorce right now and she knows it.
> 
> Last year, her nephew asked me about the right age to get married and i told him:NEVER F*CKIN GET MARRIED OR AT LEAST GET A PRENUP and she got mad sayin im a bad role model. But damn, how about sendin your nephew somewhere he will be unhappy and rejected for the rest of his miserable life? I wish i had done a prenup but i was 22, young and full of love and a big chunk of that heritage money. I really wish i did.


While your words were no doubt borne of pain and hurt, it's good your wife heard them as the should be pretty effective at communicating your hurt to her. Now, whether or not she'll actually care is another thing....

... I look forward to the next time my wife expounds the virtues of waiting until marriage to have sex or having sex with only one person in your entire life to our kids so I can publicly counter that nonsense.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> She could care less what you want. You seem to want her to "get it" but I don't think you understand her. She's fine with this. You don't matter.


This is spot on.
You've become the AFC, OP
Average Frustrated Chump.

Time to fix you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Davidokongo said:


> Hey guys,
> Im new here. Male 36yrs. Married for 10 yrs now to a lovely woman. 2 kids, no sex for the past 6 yrs or so and im battling what to do with my marriage. Cheat or just leave? Goshhh it's so exausting. Well there you have it.


If looking at porn makes you feel dirty, just imagine how gut-rippingly filthy cheating will make you feel.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You don't cheat. Be upfront about it.

You tell her, "Look, I get that you are fine with no intimacy or sex. That works for you but not me. This is my proposal. I am going to outsource your wifely duties of sex to other women in the future. You are off the hook. If this is unacceptable to you then here are your choices: 1. Fulfill your wifely duties 2. File for divorce 3. Do nothing and I will do my best to be discreet in my activities".

Might want to pick up a book like MMSLP before you go that route, but six years ... Im thinking that isnt going to cut it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Yes she doesn't want counseling and i really can't afford divorce right now and she knows it."
Ok then NOW is the time to plan out your exit strategy -- see a lawyer so you know WHAT you need to plan out -- finances, custody, etc., and then start making your plans towards that goal.

Did she ever say WHY she won't have sex with you anymore (for the past 6 years)?


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