# Tech. Toys and affairs and helping the affair escalate



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi all:

For those who suspect their spouse may be cheating IMO, increased purchase of techno products that the cheater previously did not seem interested in may be another clue. 

While my STBEH was in his latest affair he purchased an Iphone an Ipad and a new computer. 

Previously he did not want an I phone or an ipad. He said he didn't need them so why pay for them.

He used all to stay in contact with the OW almost constantly. 

The volume of emails, text and voice mails was really hurtful to me. It seemed like they were in contact almost constantly, and the number of texts saying I will meet you in 20 minutes was also appalling. My STBEH never had time to meet me for lunch during work hours.

My spouse was usually abrupt when I called him at work, so I rarely did. 

But after DDay he turned that around saying I never wanted to talk to him at work. 

During his latest affair he would even bait me by calling me from work and when I said I would let him go because I did want to hold him up at work, he would say "oh are you trying to get rid of me. I would always say no, you never seemed to want me to call you at work, he would get a tad huffy.

I also think because of this constant contact it was easier to escalate the affair and to get into a heavy fog more quickly. Perhaps it was instant gratification. 

IMO, if these instant communication devices were not available, it would take longer to get to know each other and their would likely be more moments of clarity because titillating conversations were father apart. 

Also the instant messaging made it easier for them to meet up last minute. 

For example STBEH would talk on the phone in th garage and than suddenly desperately need to go for a four hour bike ride to get some exercise on Sunday afternoon. 

I later found out the OW's husband would leave for his out of town trips on Sunday morning and the kids were in a Sunday school camp in the afternoons. 

So they were meeting up.

As I see it the constant influx of suggestive messages from the OW keeps the cheater in high state of sexual excitement, anticipation and fog. 

Oh well, end of rant.

What do others think about this?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It seems that a great many A's are starting out on FB these days and the access to a camara tied into our phones has caused to your point a high state of sexual excitment.

These same devices also help you catch the cheater. Logs, saved pictures, history files.

My wife has a new phone today because I took a hammer to the one that helped find all of the evidence of her A


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I agree with you. Now that I think of it, my ex used her Blackberry and was constantly on that BBM. Password protected and didn't register any text messages when the statement came because it's a free service. I did all the bills so I would've known if something was fishy. I think the OM taught her that. Nevertheless, EVERYTHING was retrievable in the end.

The biggest red flag is when your spouse starts to password protect their devices imo.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> It seems that a great many A's are starting out on FB these days and the access to a camara tied into our phones has caused to your point a high state of sexual excitment.
> 
> These same devices also help you catch the cheater. Logs, saved pictures, history files.
> 
> My wife has a new phone today because I took a hammer to the one that helped find all of the evidence of her A


That's true, I think it does make it easier to get positive proof of the affair. 

I am glad you smashed the offending phone. The one used during the affair.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I agree with you. Now that I think of it, my ex used her Blackberry and was constantly on that BBM. Password protected and didn't register any text messages when the statement came because it's a free service. I did all the bills so I would've known if something was fishy. I think the OM taught her that. Nevertheless, EVERYTHING was retrievable in the end.
> 
> The biggest red flag is when your spouse starts to password protect their devices imo.


Good advice about the password protection. 

The OW in my case was also coaching my STBEH on how to cheat without getting caught. 

She was younger than he and more tech savvy.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

mahike said:


> These same devices also help you catch the cheater. Logs, saved pictures, history files.


I have had no luck with this method. I've been looking into it for months, but I've had no luck. He keeps covering his tracks/hiding things/lying even more. 
I certainly agree that technology assists in affairs. It's so convenient with all these apps. Everything is capable of being hidden.
The apps/social networking used to cheat easy are free. The programs and software used to recover the lies isn't. Cheaters get it easy.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sick. said:


> I have had no luck with this method. I've been looking into it for months, but I've had no luck. He keeps covering his tracks/hiding things/lying even more.
> I certainly agree that technology assists in affairs. It's so convenient with all these apps. Everything is capable of being hidden.
> The apps/social networking used to cheat easy are free. The programs and software used to recover the lies isn't. Cheaters get it easy.


Once the cheater learns you are onto them, it is really easy to get around the spy stuff. 

There are programs that detect it.

The best way to get the truth is to hire a detective, if you can scrape the money together.

Wait until you think he is going to meet another Women, then have the detective follow him on that day. It will be cheaper if you can give the detective one specific day to follow him. 

Meanwhile, lay low, you need for him to get complacent about your suspiscions. 

Don't have sex with him though. Make an excuse or you may catch an STD, based on your other postings.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

But cheaters typically screw up. My wife left her computer open in 2010, forgot to log off. And there was all the evidence I needed. Back off. Play dumb.

Technology works both ways and with technology it is easier to catch them all you need is money to buy good stuff.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> But cheaters typically screw up. My wife left her computer open in 2010, forgot to log off. And there was all the evidence I needed. Back off. Play dumb.
> 
> Technology works both ways and with technology it is easier to catch them all you need is money to buy good stuff.


Cheaters will always mess up....it just a matter of time.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Technology will make affairs easier to have, and easier to find. 

Facebook. The place where affairs happen, because you find your high school sweet heart, and just have to meet up and talk over lunch. But you don't need to trouble your spouse with that information...
And using a separate email account to hide the messages from your spouse. 
And of course you have websites dedicated to helping people have affairs. Those sites sicken me.

But you also gos VAR's, and the GPS, and all those things to help you discover the cheater. 
Plus paternity test are becoming popular for males, so that is also cracking down. 
And you got hardware that can keylog the computer and check the emails. 

It is a double-edged sword.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Technology I think has made cheating so much easier. I remember about 12 months after my CW's last PA became Dday, we were arguing badly. She stopped communicating with me and began texting a lot. That night after she fell asleep, I found her phone which she took to bed with her, and sure enough she's flirting with this guy. Ready to cheat again in a flash. The next day when I checked it, she had deleted it. 

I just think, if you have to ask for transparency with these devices, use software to track them, VAR's & GPS to monitor them, then what's the point. That's what I'm really believing now. It's no way to live and how can there be any love and respect.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sick. said:


> I have had no luck with this method. I've been looking into it for months, but I've had no luck. He keeps covering his tracks/hiding things/lying even more.
> I certainly agree that technology assists in affairs. It's so convenient with all these apps. Everything is capable of being hidden.
> The apps/social networking used to cheat easy are free. The programs and software used to recover the lies isn't. Cheaters get it easy.


Unfortunately for you, since you don't work, the software that you need costs money. There IS software out there that you can install, but its not something you can afford. Sorry that you're in the position. You may have to borrow some money.

I agree, the cheater apps are free, and to detect and combat them isn't. So yes, cheaters get it easy. Its not fair, but life isn't fair. We have to deal with it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vegemite said:


> I just think, if you have to ask for transparency with these devices, use software to track them, VAR's & GPS to monitor them, then what's the point. That's what I'm really believing now. It's no way to live and how can there be any love and respect.


Think of trust as the gasoline that fuel that powers your vehicle (marriage) as you drive down the highway of life. Your WS has destroyed that trust by having an affair, the equivalent of draining out the gasoline. Since your WS cheated, they have to refill that gas tank by rebuilding that trust. And how can trust be rebuilt? By verifying that what they are telling you is true. And how else can you verify? By employing surveillance. 

As time goes by and you continue to verify and investigate that what they are telling you is indeed the truth, a curious thing happens...trust is slowly but surely rebuilt. As your trust grows, like refilling a gas tank, your hypervigilance starts to fade, and you find yourself starting to check on your WS less and less. Perhaps reaching the point where you actually begin to forget to check on your WS.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> I just think, if you have to ask for transparency with these devices, use software to track them, VAR's & GPS to monitor them, then what's the point. That's what I'm really believing now. It's no way to live and how can there be any love and respect.


Pretty sure I wrote the same, maybe verbatim even, early in my thread. I may still be there. Ultimately. Still, Mahike and LMH (among others) quite rightly called me out on my totally naive willful blindness, denial, and self-delusion. I was wallowing in a foggy place where there was neither love nor respect. That, for sure, is no way to live.

There is no question in my mind that personal communication devices, FB and other social networks, text messaging, IM, and the rest have created an over-ripe environment for some really unseemly behavior. I have no doubt that the incidence of infidelity has increased as a result.

A savvy counterintelligence operation is totally appropriate and maybe the only responsible course from the moment the BS picks up the "weird" vibe until the BS has lost interest in the exercise, either because they have decided to let go or because they have reached the point where they trust again. Two exits

Along the road, it has been easy to make out the signs for the former. I try to keep an open mind and eye out for the latter. But being lazy and tired, I'll probably just fall asleep at the wheel.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Pretty sure I wrote the same, maybe verbatim even, early in my thread.
> 
> A savvy counterintelligence operation is totally appropriate and maybe the only responsible course from the moment the BS picks up the "weird" vibe until the BS has lost interest in the exercise, either because they have decided to let go or because they have reached the point where they trust again. Two exits
> 
> Along the road, it has been easy to make out the signs for the former. I try to keep an open mind and eye out for the latter. But being lazy and tired, I'll probably just fall asleep at the wheel.


I've probably read the same elsewhere and it resonates with ME and where I'm at right now. There's been a lot of damage in my case, and not enough heavy lifting from her.

I've truly been open to the R exit at times since Dday, but my heart tells me my CW's remorse is false. I've truly explored R. I just don't see enough heavy lifting. Each of our stories here at CWI is different, and we ultimately have to make our own call.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> As your trust grows, like refilling a gas tank, your hypervigilance starts to fade, and you find yourself starting to check on your WS less and less. Perhaps reaching the point where you actually begin to forget to check on your WS.


For me LMH, trust hasn't grown.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vegemite said:


> For me LMH, trust hasn't grown.


I know, and I'm sorry to hear that. It's because your WW isn't truly remorseful and she hasn't done enough heavy lifting. Sometimes, R just isn't possible, and not every marriage can be saved.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I know, and I'm sorry to hear that. It's because your WW isn't truly remorseful and she hasn't done enough heavy lifting. Sometimes, R just isn't possible, and not every marriage can be saved.


You call it right.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> A savvy counterintelligence operation is totally appropriate and maybe the only responsible course from the moment the BS picks up the "weird" vibe until the BS has lost interest in the exercise, either because they have decided to let go or because they have reached the point where they trust again. Two exits
> 
> Along the road, it has been easy to make out the signs for the former. I try to keep an open mind and eye out for the latter. But being lazy and tired, I'll probably just fall asleep at the wheel.


I liked your post. I wonder though, is it laziness that will cause a BS to fall asleep at the wheel, or just that they get tired of being suspicious and distrustful. 

I think every spouse wants to believe their spouse is watching their back, rather than stabbing them in the back. 

Without being able to believe that, how can a marriage survive?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

More often it's more tech-savyOM coaching the somewhat naive WW on the latest and greatest ways of cheating without getting caught.

Now there's Facetime available on Iphones and all Apple devices. Makes face to communication easily possible at the touch of a button.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> More often it's more tech-savyOM coaching the somewhat naive WW on the latest and greatest ways of cheating without getting caught.
> 
> Now there's Facetime available on Iphones and all Apple devices. Makes face to communication easily possible at the touch of a button.


Good point. 

The OW in my STBEH's affair was a serial cheater, her husband was totally unaware of it. 

In the texts and emails and voice mails, she was coaching my STBEH on how to cheat without getting caught and he was obeying her. 

He had secret bank accounts, a credit card with a statement going to his office, burn phones, all manner of tech toys to make it easy for them to stay in touch and meet at the most convenient times. All suggested by her and explaining that these things were the reason why her own husband had been clueless about her cheating for ten years.

Sigh.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Great post Sara!

I agree...when I look at the phone records back 3 years ago when H had his first EA..(although he denies it was an EA..he said she was just using him to vent about her abusive marriage..whatever), it is very hurtful to me when I see the amount of phone calls, texts, etc.

They had long conversations..one went on for 2 - 1/2 hours. Plus the amount of texts (300 sent/received on average per month plus I noticed a couple of picture messaging..not sure what that was all about). At times she would call him I guess he didn't answer so she would call again and again until he answered.

I think too the biggest thing for me is almost anger at myself for not picking up on what was happening at the time...I trusted him completely and I even saw the cell phone bills and didn't even check them because I had no reason to. Now in hindsight I should have questioned how on his phone he went from one month having maybe 5 texts to all of a sudden 300 texts. As well on his laptop that I never used he also had it password protected...I never knew that...it is kind of funny how trusting I was for many many years and now just the opposite everything gets questioned, analyzed, etc.

As I said before with both of H's EA they would not have happened if it had not been for technology..the first one he met her thru one of those married cheating sites then with his long distance EA he met her in person however they continued it long distance online via webcam, emails, etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I agree with you. Now that I think of it, my ex used her Blackberry and was constantly on that BBM. Password protected and didn't register any text messages when the statement came because it's a free service. I did all the bills so I would've known if something was fishy. I think the OM taught her that. Nevertheless, EVERYTHING was retrievable in the end.
> 
> The biggest red flag is when your spouse starts to password protect their devices imo.


Absolutely...huge red flag!

H had password protect on both his laptop and his phone as well. That has since changed...I have complete access to both.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> Great post Sara!
> 
> I trusted him completely and I even saw the cell phone bills and didn't even check them because I had no reason to. Now in hindsight I should have questioned how on his phone he went from one month having maybe 5 texts to all of a sudden 300 texts. As well on his laptop that I never used he also had it password protected...I never knew that...it is kind of funny how trusting I was for many many years and now just the opposite everything gets questioned, analyzed, etc.


Good points, Highwood. 

When my spouse first got his first cell phone some 12 years ago, I kept noticing that our bill was high because he was making so many calls on the cell. 

I did question it, but he said they were business calls. 

I wish I had called the reoccuring numbers, but I did not because I trusted him. 

What a fool I was.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I still feel like I am living in some other universe where I went from trusting H completely to now checking and analyzing everything he does. Very draining and time consuming...at times a small part of me almost feels sorry for him. Everything he does gets scrutinized and analyzed. I realize it is not fun for him but whatever he brought this into our lives....not me.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> I still feel like I am living in some other universe where I went from trusting H completely to now checking and analyzing everything he does. Very draining and time consuming...at times a small part of me almost feels sorry for him. Everything he does gets scrutinized and analyzed. I realize it is not fun for him but whatever he brought this into our lives....not me.


I hated being suspicious and having to check. 

One male BS here said he hates that aspect of the affair fallout, too. 

He said they are reconciled, but he is still suspiscious and distrustful all the time. 

He said, he wakes up every morning and misses the man he used to be. 

That was how felt.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

What's worse is when your married to a computer hacker....he could run circles around me in hiding his stuff. His biggest downfall is his "physical" clues......distant behavior, emotional hiding etc. That's how I caught on to something. 

We talked recently about how people can get around being caught...... he said you could just buy I tunes gift cards, set up another itunes account and download apps, use it to communicate then delete it, reinstall over and over......as a way around prying eyes on phones and ipads. 

Also throwaway emails....so technically when they "give" you their passwords to all theirs electronic life, it's really just _symbolic_ because they could set up numerous emails. One just has to hope that their partner either decides to get real with the marriage or be honest and leave. 

Since I am married to a computer genius...If I ever wanted to cheat I would have to use smoke signals and tin can phones because he could sniff the network and vpn to my laptop from his work even. 

Usually the cheaters let their guard down and the laziness is what gets them caught...that and the fact they suddenly want to start working out after being a couch potato for 12 years.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> What's worse is when your married to a computer hacker....he could run circles around me in hiding his stuff. His biggest downfall is his "physical" clues......distant behavior, emotional hiding etc. That's how I caught on to something.
> 
> We talked recently about how people can get around being caught...... he said you could just buy I tunes gift cards, set up another itunes account and download apps, use it to communicate then delete it, reinstall over and over......as a way around prying eyes on phones and ipads.
> 
> ...


Yes. It so easy to set up another email that giving out passwords mean nothing really. 

Also, burn phones are so easy and cheap to get.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Yes. It so easy to set up another email that giving out passwords mean nothing really.
> 
> Also, burn phones are so easy and cheap to get.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Thats why we say "trust, but verify". I can only do a facepalm every time I read a new BS saying he/she is sure there is no contact because their WS has given them all their passwords, yet make no effort to verify this.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> Thats why we say "trust, but verify". I can only do a facepalm every time I read a new BS saying he/she is sure there is no contact because their WS has given them all their passwords, yet make no effort to verify this.


I agree. That is why I post here. I post here because I want to prevent someone else from playing the fool longer than they have to. 

Trust but verify, verify, verify. 

I was so eager to trust after the first dday and his promises that the affair meant nothing, and he was behaving as promised, that I would still be fooled, if not for the anonymous source outing his shenanigans.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

It's totally a double edged sword...the instant access makes the affair more thrilling. Also in my cheating wife's case, made a out of town romance an every day and night, plus he has weekly business trips to our town where they would shack up. But skpe sex calls (I assume) the constant texting, and IM's...it's just a device away.

However all of that lead me to figure it out, I tracked her phone calls and texts...called the frequent numbers....the service provider had all that info on line and I could check it 100 times a day if I wanted. I became obsesses with finding out who it was. What finally convinced me, was the early morning calls...so she woke up at 7am..and was texting this dude while she was in the bathroom 3 mins after waking up. Then I called the number using *67 so he couldn't see who was calling...and bingo...I knew the name.

From there I got onto her iPad as she left it for a moment (without the password being activated) and quickly saw an IM exchange with a hotel hook up. 

Be a detective, but don't reveal what you know...once you do they will shut you down, and change their behaviors and you have to start all over again.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

yes technology was the down fall of my wifes A. In her case she left her facebook open but minimized on her home office computer. I read the chats, that was a knife to the guts and I saw his name of course and I knew him from High School.

I will never go to another class reunion. Research through her email accounts brought up passwords for hotel rewards and I was able to see every reservation.

Then I was able to track the 1000's of text messages day and night some while I was in the bed asleep next to her. 

It was technology that allowed it to happen and ramp up but it also took it down.


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