# Wife Says She Is Not Connecting...



## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Hope you guys are all having a great day. Here's a long post coming from you desperately asking for your help.

Me and my wife have been married for five years and together for seven years. She has four children from her previous marriage and we don't have any together. Although sometimes we do talk about having one together. Lately, wife seems to be pretty distant with me. I try everything. 

By the way, I don't fit the typical bill of a man. I am not a couch hogging, TV watching kinda guy. I push myself pretty hard whether it be work or relationship and in few short years we have come a long way. We recently moved from one state to another and our living conditions (financially) has improved a lot. However, although it's a good thing it seems to be a problem for her.

Right now I am the sole provider and that scares her that she doesn't have the security and independence. She says if I were to leave her she would go backwards and I would keep moving forward cause I don't have anything tying me back. She has 4 kids and I do not have any so if I were to leave I could live this lavish life and her and the kids would go backwards and right from where they came from give that she doesn't have a job, so she says. I never plan on leaving her. 

Now she says due to these issues she doesn't feel connected to me. Also, I do a lot of things such as helping around the house, texting sweet little messages and buying stuff and surprising her, probably more often that I should. I am good to the kids and put everyone before myself and I feel like I have wasted 7 years of my life living for others. 

She is a wonderful woman and a great mom but she has never been the kind of woman that would qualify as a good wife, at least to me. I never ask for anything. I don't expect anything out of her but love. We had a heart to heart talk last night and she said she has no idea why she feels this way. She said I am the best thing to happen to the kids and her and she just doesn't see why she feels this way. She says I am her best friend, she loves me but she just isn't connecting with me and doesn't feel it when am around. 

We both know that if the relationship comes to an end, she will be the one to hurt the most as far as other aspects of life goes. I would never leave them hanging, especailly because of the kids and will always do my best to support them but as of now I just don't know what to think or what to say. It's getting hard to live under the same roof thinking that she might be with me cause she has to as opposed to cause she wants to. She did say she wants to go to a counselor cause she says she knows I am the best thing for her and the kids but she can't get past the feeling of not wanting to move forward.

Sorry for the long message but I could really use your advice. 

Thanks!


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

One more thing that confuses me is the fact that she says she loves me all the time. She touches me, smiles with me, laughs with me and all that jazz but for some reason she isn't connecting and feels distant. We sleep on the same bed and most of the time we are pretty much tangled up but still she feels distant. We have times when sex happens almost 3-5 days a week and then all of a sudden it goes down to one or two a month. Confused and thought I would put this out there as well.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hussa,

The bedroom is a good barometer of what's going on.

Do you know anything of her childhood?


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Hi Conrad,

Her childhood was a wreck. Her dad left her mom and she doesn't have any remembrance of him. Also her mom never married or got together with anyone else so I know there was never a male figure in her life. She was a bit neglected and did what she wanted to do as a child and ended up having a baby pretty early in life. Her first kid was from a guy who was a loser and she moved on from him. Then she got married and had three kids with a guy who abused her, beat her and was sleeping around and had alchol problems. And after that it's me and compared to everything she had in the past this is so far the best she has had and she admits to it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thussa said:


> Hi Conrad,
> 
> Her childhood was a wreck. Her dad left her mom and she doesn't have any remembrance of him. Also her mom never married or got together with anyone else so I know there was never a male figure in her life. She was a bit neglected and did what she wanted to do as a child and ended up having a baby pretty early in life. Her first kid was from a guy who was a loser and she moved on from him. Then she got married and had three kids with a guy who abused her, beat her and was sleeping around and had alchol problems. And after that it's me and compared to everything she had in the past this is so far the best she has had and she admits to it.


And - believe me - she's terrified of losing it.

Furthermore, she's not sure why you love her so much when no one else ever really has. So, it feels precarious to her.

Has she been to counseling?

Just as important - have you?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

As someone in a relationship with a man who isn't my children's father, I know that (for me, anyway) there is always that concern of what if. When you take care of your children on your own for so long and then you deliberately put yourself in a situation where you are counting on someone else, someone who technically has no obligation to care for them or you, you do tend to worry about what will happen if they decide to leave, because now you've been counting on them and you're back to on your own. And depending on how much you've ended up depending on them (because you moved, or were able to quit your job, or whatever), that can be very scary, because it might not be that easy to get back into a position of being able to care for your kids all on your own again. So, with that one, I would not take that personally, as I really don't think that that is directed at you in any specific way. 

Not feeling connected to you is a totally different matter, though. But, she still feels as though you're her best friend, and she still loves you, so I don't think all hope is lost. And she told you she wants to see a counselor, so that's another positive sign. 

I'd definitely do the counseling. If she wants to see a counselor on her own, great, but I also think some marriage counseling would do you guys some good, too.


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Conrad: Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do hear that quite often "Why do you love me so much?" and she has often said that "I love her more than she loves me" which is true. 

atruckersgirl: Thanks for the input. I totally see where you are coming from and I often put myself in her shoes and try to see it from her point of view. But what if I was the children's dad? Then she would have ore trust in me, right? Well, I would just like to earn that trust after so many years of diligently doing my duties that she can count on me. 

Also, in regards to connecting, as I said earlier it's weird. She comes to my desk while I am working and gives me kisses, we talk about things and stuff like that and at night we sleep cuddled up all night. So I am not sure what to do. I have told her part of the problem might be that we both work from home and we are spending too much quantity and not enough quality so I have started going out to work at StarBucks during the day so we are not spending as much time. 

I try to show her that I care and love throughout the day by doing little things, as a matter of fact, I think I go a bit overboard at times and think I am too readily available. Not sure why I can't gain the trust that she is secure with me. As far as the counseling goes, I have told her whether she want sto go by herself or both of us, I am willing to do what it takes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hussa,

Believe this more than anything I'll ever post to you.

A good relationship can assist your spouse in healing herself. But, it won't happen unless/until she works through the stuff in her personal attic.

Do your relationship a favor and gently nudge her in this direction. Resist the temptation to be her hero. This is something she needs to do for herself - to be the person she was born to be.

I speak from hard-won experience.


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Conrad,

Thanks for the suggestion and I am definitely moving towards the direction of letting her figure it out on her own. As a man, sometimes I feel like I need to fix everything and anything she has a problem with but I am slowly realizing that some things just aren't within my reach. Any tips, suggestions from you would be very much appreciated as to what I should do to help her out. I want to be consistent and if you are someone who has been through it all, would love to have your take on it and work progressively towards a better marriage and a happy spouse without me trying too hard.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

thussa said:


> Conrad: Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do hear that quite often "Why do you love me so much?" and she has often said that "I love her more than she loves me" which is true.
> 
> atruckersgirl: Thanks for the input. I totally see where you are coming from and I often put myself in her shoes and try to see it from her point of view. But what if I was the children's dad? Then she would have ore trust in me, right? Well, I would just like to earn that trust after so many years of diligently doing my duties that she can count on me.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I can explain this adequately without sounding insulting, so if it comes across that way, please know that I don't intend it that way. 

If you were the children's father, yes, she would have more trust in you. When you create a child with someone, it (sometimes falsely) gives you a sense of security, a knowledge that no matter what, this person will help take care of your child because it's his/her child too and they love the child just as much as you do. When you're not the children's father, it can be very hard (especially if the children's father was an a**, as hers are and as mine was) to trust that he loves your kids as much as you do, even if he says so and does all the right things to indicate that he does love them as his own. My boyfriend has told me more than once that he loves my kids as though they were his and considers them his sons, but I still sometimes don't quite trust that. And even though you two have been together for years, if her past is pretty scary, that trust will be hard to come by. 

She does need to see a counselor to deal with her past, both her childhood and her past romantic relationships. After reading what you wrote about her past (which you put up while I was typing my first response), I definitely think that her past is a large part of why she isn't trusting you. As I said, I think for a single parent, there's always going to be that tiny sliver of concern over whether the new partner can really be trusted to love and care for the kids, but I don't really think it should be quite so extreme. 

And time spent together. Definitely a possible contributor. My boyfriend is gone alot, but we spend tons of time on the phone. And sometimes, we spend too much time on the phone and we find ourselves getting incredibly annoyed at each other because it is too much time. So, I'm sure being physically in the same house would be at least as annoying, and probably more so. 

As I said in my first response, I think some marriage counseling would be very beneficial for you guys. A counselor will not only be able to help you guys really get to the root of the various problems, but also help you figure out solutions to them.


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Thanks Wendy!

Your reply wasn't insulting in anyways at all. As a matter of fact, I know where you and my wife are coming from when it comes to kids and I truly understand that although I may not be wearing the same shoes you guys are. However, we are thinking of going to a counselor and see what happens. Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts and advice, it is very much appreciated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thussa said:


> Conrad,
> 
> Thanks for the suggestion and I am definitely moving towards the direction of letting her figure it out on her own. As a man, sometimes I feel like I need to fix everything and anything she has a problem with but I am slowly realizing that some things just aren't within my reach. Any tips, suggestions from you would be very much appreciated as to what I should do to help her out. I want to be consistent and if you are someone who has been through it all, would love to have your take on it and work progressively towards a better marriage and a happy spouse without me trying too hard.


I can assure you. I've been through it - and we've emerged on the "other side".

It is blissful here.

But, we are cognizant of what it took - and what it continues to take.

Your story reminds me of us.

Feel free to ask anything you like - openly or via PM. My wife and I will respond promptly.

Just so you know, my wife had "one of those" childhoods. Abuse, adoption, alienation, foster care.

She is coming to grips with her past - and her present. And, the discoveries keep coming.

We both agree that the "worst is over". But, it takes commitment and a spirit that simply won't quit.

And - FYI - it doesn't take a "nice guy".


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Thanks for the invite to send PMs, Conrad! I have sent a message but not sure it went cause it's not showing as "1 message sent" in my admin. Thanks again for all your help.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thussa said:


> Thanks for the invite to send PMs, Conrad! I have sent a message but not sure it went cause it's not showing as "1 message sent" in my admin. Thanks again for all your help.


If you go into your user profile, you can change the settings to "save" outgoing PM's.

(I did get your message)


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

FWIW...Conrad is absolutely right. Not so sure you need me to affirm that, but I'll put my vote in. She needs counseling. She probably doesn't feel worthy of the love you're offering. That is something only she can fix. 

My SO isn't the bio father of my children either. I only have one left at home now, and he loves this child as if his own (he has no bio kids). He's been through hell and back with me with some of the things my kids have been through, and he's been right by my side every step of the way. Their father wouldn't have been. That's not lost on me. 

BUT...it is in the back of my mind that he could just take off (or boot us out) if he chose, and I'd go back to supporting my son on my own. That wasn't a problem..was doing it before he was in the picture. But I'd have my son's emotions to deal with, as he loves my SO. I asked him to "play pretend" with me once, and what would he want if he were to split, and he said he'd want visitation with my son (knowing he couldn't get him half the time..I just couldn't go for that). So this is a very strong relationship they have. BUT. That's all hypothetical. Maybe it would work out that way, maybe it wouldn't. 

I don't even know why I told you all of that..I guess just to let you know you're far from alone in your situation (taking on kids that aren't yours). It does leave the woman (and the kids) in a somewhat tenuous position sometimes...takes a lot of trust in the other person to believe they won't break your child's heart. That can be very frightening to some. Sometimes it scares me. For the time being (I say it like that b/c you never know what the future holds) I believe he's going nowhere. 

Please go to counseling with her, if that's what she wants. But she needs IC as well. Most definitely.


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Thank you much for your advice! I can definitely see more as to where my wife is coming from. However, I hope someday she realizes that she deserves the love she gets more than anyone. Thanks again and definitely planning on going to counseling


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I hate agreeing with Conrad, but sometimes he leaves me no choice!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You have the best signature line on the forum.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

*takes a bow*


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