# Is phone sex cheating?



## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

My husband says no, I say yes. He says if there is no intention to meet then they are just friends talking. I think it crosses the line. Would it be a good reason to leave someone, if you had made it clear from the begining that you would leave if cheating happened?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Absolutely yes it is cheating. "Just friends talking" is not talking about sexual intimacy - that is for you and you alone unless otherwise agreed upon by consenting adults. 

Does he talk to his male friends that way or would he talk to his best friends wife that way? What would his best friend say if he knew someone was talking to his wife like that? Really, this is a no brainer - phone sex is sexual behavior whether you are physically acting out on it or not.


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## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

Thank you, you summed it up for me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes, it is cheating. How would he feel if you did it?


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## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

He says he wouldn't care, it wouldn't bother him since it is just talk. I don't think he understands the power words have on other people.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Shadow1 said:


> He says he wouldn't care, it wouldn't bother him since it is just talk.


Of course he WOULD say that wouldn't he !!!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It's not just talk. 

I'll be willing to bet a large sum of money that the talk creates some physical responses of lustful feelings - why else would they even be "going there"? Those are not appropriate feelings to be sharing with someone other than your spouse. 

I'll also bet you ten to one that if you confronted the woman she wouldn't be very comfortable with you knowing that she was doing that with your husband - and that makes it even more wrong.


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## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

LOL of course he would. How could he not say that and keep on claiming it's not cheating.


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## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

Thank you all for your input, I was begining to think I was crazy or just a prude.


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## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

_you need to have a respectful, honest conversation with your husband and explain your expectations_...
I have talked to him about it, the problem is it happened over a year ago but I JUST found out. He says I should forget it, and move on, that it won't happen again, and hasn't since, but how can I trust him when he lied about it for over a year? ( I had asked him back then if that was what was going on and he swore it wasn't, they were just friends)


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## Shadow1 (Jan 26, 2010)

Thank you, Hunt. I will get the book and read it. You would think by age 50 I would know this stuff, lol, but I am always willing to learn and expand. I do appreciate your help. And I do think it is worth mending the broken places in our marriage. Thanks again.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

For my boyfriend and I, yes phone sex is cheating. I think, depending on the relationship and the people involved in it, cheating can mean different things. My boyfriend and I, before we got together, discussed how to us, cheating would be anything we didn't feel comfortable having the other know about or wouldn't want to try to explain to each other. So, that makes it easy for us to know if what we're doing is wrong: if we wouldn't want to talk to each other about it, wouldn't want each other to know, then it's cheating. But we also agreed that anything sexual in nature is absolutely cheating, whether it's words or actual actions. Porn is the only thing that doesn't fall into that, but even with that, there's limits to what we would tolerate, if we were into that. 

When it comes to cheating, though, I think the best rule of thumb is that if one of you has an issue with it, then it's cheating. And if the relationship is built on love and respect, and if both people truly want it to last, then the partner that doesn't think it's cheating will respect the one that thinks it is and not do it. Even though he thinks it's fine, he knows you don't and should stop doing it out of respect and love for you. 

And lastly, he needs to understand that while for him, this all happened a year ago, for you it just happened. Remind him that in his life, this is in the past, but you just found out about it and that makes it very much your present. He has to realize that you are going to have questions, you are going to need answers, you are going to need time to deal with this. He can't expect you to simply say, "oh, it was a year ago. Ok, honey, let's move on."


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I agree with Hunt Brown that you need to have that conversation - it's really important you are able to fully convey to him all that you are feeling in a calm honest complete manner. Some people find it helps to write it all down and read it aloud. That way if you get interrupted you can easily get back on track, and you won't forget anything either as it'll all be there on your sheet of paper. Afterwards you might want to give your husband the sheet for him to take away and fully digest, or you might prefer not. 

One other thing, with your husband not owning that this phone sex chat is cheating, does this mean he has not apologised. If this is the case you might want to include in your letter how his not apologising or showing remourse makes you feel. 

Even if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he felt it was not cheating, he should still, at the very least, feel genuinely compelled to apologise for putting you through all this.


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## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

Not only is it cheating (of the heart), but it could be compared to an "entry-level" drug that can lead to more addictive, more hardcore stuff.

Gman


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## sprite59 (Jul 20, 2010)

I was looking for cheating phone sex and ran into this thread . I too had my man cheat on me with the phone sex . said theys just friends and talk was not cheating . then I found out not only did they have phone sex the hooked up and had sex . After he moved out I found all his email address like 8 of them he been doing this for years on me .If I were you I dump the loser


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

So... he believes phone sex is not wrong? Then why did he hide it a year ago? 

Also, I'm wondering how you just found out about it. Did he confess without prompt? Was it mentioned casually? Have you finally just gotten it out of him? Or did you find evidence?

I have had some trust issues with my husband in the past and the thing that nagged at me the hardest was the idea that if I wasn't looking, or if I didn't have some indicators/evidence, the truth would never come out. I felt the burden was on me to be diligent and thorough if I ever wanted to know what was going on. And, I didn't want to live my life that way.

So... in my mind, the way the truth was unearthed is a big part in analyzing the problem. If he is unable (unwilling) to be truthful until the evidence is waved in front of him, I'd say you have a bigger problem than whether or not phone sex is cheating.


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## mainerd (Sep 5, 2010)

just found out my wife of 7 years has phone sex with 4 different people-and my whole world fell apart.
she says it is the only way she can get off - 2 of the men are guys she used to work with.
she says i do not desire/want her enough anymore - we have a 2 year old daughter.
when we originally met we did have a discussion regarding what we thought was cheating and i did agree as it was not physical it was not cheating - so maybe i have an issue more with the secret and not being in control.
i love her deeply and am feeling hurt right now and even though i was willing to talk it through, once she knew i knew it became a closed subject as she knows i dont agree.
where do i/we go from here?
has anyone made it work as part of their marriage?
did you set any rules etc.
cheers


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

you said he wouldn't care if you had phone sex. His answer gives you your answer like he said "he doesn't care" ask yourself..if he loves you why wouldn't he care? 
My husband would


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

mainerd said:


> just found out my wife of 7 years has phone sex with 4 different people-and my whole world fell apart.
> she says it is the only way she can get off - 2 of the men are guys she used to work with.
> she says i do not desire/want her enough anymore - we have a 2 year old daughter.
> when we originally met we did have a discussion regarding what we thought was cheating and i did agree as it was not physical it was not cheating - so maybe i have an issue more with the secret and not being in control.
> ...


It's bothering you...so it's cheating. I would simply sit down with her and tell her that although you agreed in the beginning that it was not cheating, now that you've been faced with the reality of it, you've realized you do in fact feel it's cheating. 

Then you two discuss how you can show her that you do in fact desire her. Not only can you tell her what you think you do that shows that, but you can also ask her what she'd like you to do to show that. Perhaps there are things she'd like, but has been too afraid to ask for, and somehow got it from the phone sex. If she tells you about it, then you can provide that and she won't feel the need to have phone sex. 

I know there are tons of people, some even on this forum, who make open marriages work, so I'm sure somehow you could work phone sex into your relationship if you really wanted to. But, if it bothers you, I can't see why you'd want to work it in. I would never be able to be happy knowing that my boyfriend was with someone else, be it in person or on the phone. I would feel horribly betrayed, and even if he had no problem with it, I could just never bring myself to be ok with it. Just the thought is enough to make my heart hurt.


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