# Need help with wife



## Tryingmybest (Oct 8, 2008)

Hi all,

I've been married to my wife now for 11 1/2 years. A little over 2 years ago my wife caught me trying to cheat on her. The reason I was trying to cheat was because our relationship was more like we were roommates than a married couple. At that time we haven't had sex in almost 6 years (we tried a couple of times right before the affair attempt, but I was hesitent). I was not physically attracted to her. She has fibromyalgia and she wasn't very active, she gained alot of weight. We loved each other with our hearts but were not intimate. We were just not connecting. The attempted affair did not go very far. I did not sleep with anyone. The event did turn our lives round. We reconnected. She's become more active and has lost alot of weight. Our sex life actually exists now (1 or 2 times a week). I have been faithful to her ever since.

The problem is that she is still having nightmares of me being unfaithful. She sometimes thinks I am being unfaithful (working overtime, taking longer to get home from work than usual). She accuses me of spending time with my "girlfriend". What can I do to put her at ease?

Please help!

Trymybest


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First, an affair happens when one is selfish. You created a trust gap. You need to show her over a course of time that you are where you say that you are. Why taking so long to get home? Are you coming home after stopping to grab some food, have a reciept?

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

after 2 years, she should have tried to let it go by now, atleast you didnt do it. ok you were close and there were reasons for that. 
but in the end you didnt . my hubby had a one night stand in april, ok it hurts, but in order for us to move on, i dont forget , but i had to forgive. 
the trouble is and no its not easy, but this puts a new pressure on you relationship. to the point where it cause a split if your issue isnt sorted.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Hi. I also caught my fiance last year connecting online and making wierd screennames at websites to meet other women due to his distance from me. At first I believed that he just wanted to make friends because it's just easier that way. But in reality, he was seeking out other women. I found out and told him about it and since then there hasnt been 100% trust like before. At times I still ask him if he has cheated because I get an odd feeling from him and am not sure, but other times it looks to be like he really does want us to happen and for us to work together. 

I can see that he is trying hard and pleading with me at times that he wants us. Sometimes I believe him and other times I remember the emotional turmoil which makes me distrust again. 

Maybe this is what your wife feels. She looks at you and loves you, but this feeling reminds her and she isnt sure anymore. 

Perhaps when you two have a chance take her out to dinner every two weeks to talk and enjoy the atmosphere to regain trust and to create the safe environment that all feelings are safe between you two. It is a lot to do, but over time I can see this becoming a very natural and innate procedure.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Tryingmybest said:


> The problem is that she is still having nightmares of me being unfaithful. She sometimes thinks I am being unfaithful (working overtime, taking longer to get home from work than usual). She accuses me of spending time with my "girlfriend". What can I do to put her at ease?


Ahhh your poor wife. but you are so sweet to come on here and get advice. it does show you care.

I have nightmares about some things my H did, too. And there are times i get suspicious, or something will trigger the past and i get upset. It helps me the most when he just holds me and lets me cry it out. He'll tell me he's so sorry I had to go through that and ask me how I'm feeling. This is what helps me the most.


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## Tryingmybest (Oct 8, 2008)

Thank you all for replying.

My wife and I do most things together. Neither of us have any real friends we hang out with. No guys/girls night out in many years. We do go out to dinner and talk quite often. To answer Draconis' question: Sometimes it takes 15-20mins or more to come home do to traffic conditions or issues at work, and I usually come straight home. My W is usually a patient person but sometimes she's not.

My problem with this whole situation is that I have no one to talk to and confid in (except my W). I need someone with a neutral perspective. Someone I can tell all. I need a friend. My W is in the same boat.

Thank you all for listening.

Tryingmybest


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Tryingmybest said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been married to my wife now for 11 1/2 years. A little over 2 years ago my wife caught me trying to cheat on her. The reason I was trying to cheat was because our relationship was more like we were roommates than a married couple. At that time we haven't had sex in almost 6 years (we tried a couple of times right before the affair attempt, but I was hesitent). I was not physically attracted to her. She has fibromyalgia and she wasn't very active, she gained alot of weight. We loved each other with our hearts but were not intimate. We were just not connecting. The attempted affair did not go very far. I did not sleep with anyone. The event did turn our lives round. We reconnected. She's become more active and has lost alot of weight. Our sex life actually exists now (1 or 2 times a week). I have been faithful to her ever since.
> 
> ...


Well, first of all you need to put yourself in her shoes. What if you gained weight and she tried to cheat on you, dude? How would this make you feel? Like $#!^, right?

In the promise you made to her on your wedding day ..you didn't say I'll love you and be true to you, but only if you don't gain weight, did you? 

No one stays the same way as the day you married them, dude. 

You should love everything about the girl, not just the way her body looks to you.


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## MichelleB (Oct 13, 2008)

at least things are getting better. I think trust needs to be rebuilt over time. The nightmare she's having is her obvious anxiety of the ordeal from the past.


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## Tryingmybest (Oct 8, 2008)

Hi all,

Thank you all for your help.

I do everything I can to put her mind at ease. I tell her how great she looks, how intelligent she is, how she's my life.

During the low part of our marriage I also let myself go (grew a beard, gained 30lb). I wasn't very appealing to her. I was in a depression. Through all that my W didn't look elsewhere, but I was weak and I did.



> What are you doing as you are driving. Could you put her on speakerphone on your cell on the drive home and talk with her some? It could put her mind at ease if she could hear the background noise around you and know that it's just you in the car caught in traffic


She knows that I'm in traffic, she can hear the noise. She can talk to me as long as she wants while I'm driving, I don't mind.



> If you attend any type of church, a pastor could be a good objective listener. You may want to check into some support groups in the area. Furthermore, you and your wife are always so welcome to post on here to vent and ask advice. You'll get many different perspectives which can help both of you. Many on herre would be more than happy to pm you as well.


I am RC but not practicing, I'm not very religious. I'll have to look around for a group. BTW my W doesn't know I'm here getting advise.


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