# How to Divorce, and Separate Finances "Morally"?



## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

So I am planning to have the "final conversation" with my wife soon.

The one where I can say with complete transparency, why I think our marriage is over, and it would be best to divorce.

My thread title will no doubt seem strange; finances in a divorce are a LEGAL matter. What does "Morality" have to do with it?

I am going to list all the facts of my and my wife's finances. Then I am going to list all the relevant facts of our life that relate to those finances.

I am hoping that some of you would give me your opinions on what YOU think is fair about potential spousal support/dividing finances. I would love to hear opinions from both spouses who initiated their divorce, and spouses who were the ones who were "left" by your spouse.

Here we go, the financial facts:
1. My wife and I own 2 cars outright. Both are in my name.
2. We own a home, currently valued at $240k, with $150k left to payoff.
3. As a gift, my father has recently set-up an investment account in both of our names worth $50k. He has also setup accounts with $50k for each of our 3 children, ages 20, 16, and 12.
4. I receive $3484 per month for military disability pay, for life. I am not currently working. I could physically handle working a small part-time job and per VA rules, could earn up to $1200 gross per month. If I earned more, my disability pay and all benefits would be taken away.
5. I receive all medical care and prescriptions for free for myself because of my disability. My wife and children receive all of their prescriptions for free. My wife and children get 80% of their medical bills covered by my VA benefits. 
6. My father owns his own home (worth $300k), and will give it to me upon his death. (He is 77). He is leaving me another approximate $700k upon his death.
7. My wife earns $655 per month from her online job. It is a temp job, and we don't know how long it may last. This is her only income.

Facts about our life relating to finances:

1. After divorcing, my disability pay would go down to $3284 per month. Myself, and my children would continue to receive free meds. My wife would NOT get free meds. She takes perhaps 10 meds, which out of pocket would cost between 500-1,000 per month.
2. My wife has a GED. She has previously worked as a dog groomer, and in church ministry. She has some experience doing online social media and podcast editing.
She has never held a full-time job longer than 1 year in the last 23 years.
3. She is estranged from family (her choice) so there is no help to be had from them.
4. She has no friends to live with.
5. Lastly, I have a 20 year old daughter with Asperger's in college. Because of my VA benefits, she goes for free. I have a 16 year old daughter, also with Asperger's. She is thriving, going to school, and has a Parr time job. I have a 12 year old daughter, with ADHD and anxiety. I love them ALL, and would gladly have them live with me.

Here are my thoughts about my wife:
I don't hate her. She simply fell out of love with me. Despite her coldness toward me, I WANT her to have a happy life. I believe we BOTH deserve that. I have never cheated on her. We both were always committed toward marital fidelity. 

My potential plan:

1. I give her the FULL amount of the $50k investment account my father gifted to both of us.
2. I give her one of our cars.
3. We sell our current house. I give her most of the profit-- perhaps $75k out of $90k. Then I can have $15k savings for an emergency fund for me and the kids.
4. I move into my dad's 4 bedroom home (he has already offered it as a place to live with the kids)
5. I offer my wife joint custody; though the kids would live in my Dad's house with me, until such time as my wife finds work, and gets an apartment or somewhere to live.
6. I don't know what to do about paying my wife monthly spousal support. Except for brief periods during our marriage-- 1 year here, 6 months there, 4 months there-- I have supported my wife financially working full time, and later, through disability pay and casual work. I have also taken care of the kids, done all the cooking, cleaning, etc. I have had a compassionate heart toward my wife's feelings of chronic anxiety and depression, and never insisted she work. I encouraged her to seek counseling, which she has a few times over the years.

SHOULD I (morally OR legally,) be obligated to pay her spousal support?

I am conflicted. 

I feel giving her $125k to setup a new life is very generous. That leaves ME with only $15k in savings. If I had more to give her, I would. Not because I feel guilty. Not because I was a bad husband. But because I AM a kind and loving person. 

However, if I am the one taking care of the kids, the $3284 monthly amount of my disability pay would used for groceries, med expenses that aren't covered (psych visits for my daughters,) car insurance, life insurance, phone bills, a new car payment (since my daughter needs a car, and I do too) etc. Maybe I could afford to spare $1k out of that to give my wife? But for how long? Til my 12 year old turns 18?

Please share your thoughts on my plan.

If you have any other questions about my marriage, please feel free to ask.

I am utterly crushed by the failure of my marriage.
I am crushed that I spent 23 years of my life with a woman who didn't love me.
I am crushed that SHE feels that SHE spent 23 years of her life in a marriage where she wasn't happy.

I just want us both to be happy!!


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

You assum a few things here. That your wife will go along with you taking care of the kids at your father's house and that she will willing sell the house and go along with the younger kids living with you at your father's home. The oldest can make her own decision.


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## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

Given that she only makes $655 per month, I am assuming she will do whatever she can to her financial advantage. That means selling the house. She can't afford paying for half the house payment, let alone her own food,,car's gas, etc.

She also would NOT want full custody.

I do know my 20 year old is an adult, and can make her own decisions. I was just saying that I love my kids and would be happy (as would my dad,) to have them live with us.


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