# Husband flirting/texting with colleague



## pal01 (Dec 12, 2017)

We and four other couples went for a long weekend gateway in Georgia. We all had drinks. My husband gets drunk easily, i.e. even with just one glass. It was 2 in the morning. I saw him chatting on whatsapp standing in one corner. I went to see why he is standing there all by himself. He was chatting with his female colleague. I found it odd but thought she might be having a work issue. After 2 days, I was looking for the photos we clicked in his cell's gallery and saw her WhatsApp profile photo saved in his phone gallery. This was weird. I opened his whatsapp. He had deleted the chat. I confronted him. He simply said that he doesn't even remember that he was chatting with anybody (since he had drinks). And for photo, he said I just save the profile pics I like. But there were no other profile pics, only hers. The very next day I saw him online on whatsapp for nearly 1 hour while he was in the office which is not common for him. I said are you still talking with her. He said that I'm being silly. And ignored the whole topic. When pushed too much, he accepted it. Said it was work related. I asked if it was work related why you deleted the chat again? He said I didn't want to upset you. Had a huge fight. He said he will be careful from next time and apologized to me.

Now after 2 weeks, I found this chat on his IM. Here he is talking about how he had to ignore her and was not able to talk on whatsapp because one of his relatives saw her message on his mobile and thought something is going on.
(He did not stop the conversation willingly. I was with him all the time during our 3 day vacation at our cousin's place and that's why he couldn't reply)

Him: I knew that by talking with you like this I will lose you as a friend. But I had to do it. That's why I didn't reply to you other day morning also. Trust me it was very very difficult for me.
Her: Okay. It's better we stop talking.
Him: I sorted everything now.. but lost you.. 
Her: It's nothing like that. But It's better I don't talk over again.
Him: See I told you yesterday, either ways I am losing. Whatever happened happened. It was a phase which passed. Just because some people misunderstand doesn't mean.. And dont worry.. It was not my wife. She trusts me.. And she knows we talk. She knows my nature.

This conversation is about when he visited office one day and went for team dinner afterwards.
Her: In car also you did not talk. Did not even say Bye properly.
Him: I think I was talking until I dropped you. I also said nice meeting you.
Her: Leave it. What can I say. Fine
Him: I was also talking to you in the party, switched places with Sam. But Sara was in between so couldnt talk much. (Names chnaged)
Her: I didn't know.
Him: I wanted to talk to you.  ... I was sitting next to you whole day in the office but you were busy.
Her: What can I do yaar?
Him: You could have worked less for one day. For party also you went ahead. I wanted you to come with me.
When I came to office I thought I will talk with you. You took me directly inside the office. Could have stopped for 5 minutes outside.
Her: You should have told me. How can I know that?
Him: You should not have went inside. I wanted to talk with you. You don't know how excited I was. 
Her: Sorry I didn't know. But we should not talk anymore.
Him: This hurts. Thank you for everything. And will really really miss you. Cannot control now. Bye.

Now this does not mean they have stopped talking. On whatsapp there is one more conversation after this where he complimented on her pic in the morning then in the night, then once on office IM.
And some more stupid conversation. They talk mostly on office IM which I cannot get hold of.

He doesn't know that I know all this about his emotional affair. For the last three times I forgave him and moved on like nothing happened because each time he convinced me that he will definitely stop talking and I said okay it must be harmless flirting and I must be overreacting. But this time it hurts because this is way more intense. I never thought of him going even this far.
I think the only thing which is stopping the girl a little bit is the fact that the guy is married. Even if she doesn't move forward I don't know how to trust him again for the fourth time that he will stop talking.

Question is
1) Mainly what do I do now? Is there any way we can come back from this because right now I cannot even look at him.
2) If yes, then how do I make sure that they end whatever is going on.
3) Do I need to involve anyone else close because I think he is taking me casually and just plainly lying to me. (Personally I don't want to involve anybody.)

Please suggest anything that you can think of. Really looking for help.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Definitely an emotional affair. It would be hard to stop without a direct confrontation from you. Call the other woman and let her know where you stand on her EA with your husband. Suggest your husband find another place to work if possible. Be very angry, let him know you mean business. There has to be consequences for these actions.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Ditto above. Contact her. Grab his phone and send yourself screenshots first if you haven't already. 

Better yet use his phone and send her whats app messages yourself. Announce as his wife and tell her to tell your husband to leave her alone. Leave the chat on the phone for him to see. Plus call her in case he accuses you of being crazy lady.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Or, just kick his a$$ to the curb.

You really want to be with a guy who is having an EA with a woman at work, who lies to you about it?

If he could have sex with her, he would, assuming of course he hasn't already done so.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Every second this continues, his feelings for you drop logarithmically.
I suggest a major hammer smack. Even delivering divorce papers to him would not be out of line, realizing that shockingly, he could choose divorce. THat's how bad these emotional affairs change the mind of one spouse toward their wife or husband.
He is clearly trying to start a relationship with this woman, and it would absolutely go to sex. If she's single, it would likely result in him leaving you. I'm crazy? NOPE. I'm experienced.

DROP THE HAMMER ON HIS ARSE. I second calling the OW.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes an EA, but you can't rule out a PA at this point because they're just too familiar with each other. They were messaging like they were a couple and she had hurt his feelings. But if it isn't a PA, it soon will be; especially if they continue to work together. Just because they feel it's a risk to communicate the way they have been, doesn't mean they can't find another way. Work affairs are particularly hard to monitor because of that.

If you want to stop this A and "consider" R, I'd give your husband these ultimatums after you confront him:

-He confesses truthfully and gives you a timeline of the A.

-He becomes completely transparent with all his communication devices and gets rid of any apps that automatically deletes texts and messages.

-He agrees to never delete his texts.

-He accounts for his time away from you and no more "nights out with the boys".

-He demonstrates genuine, unconditional remorse.

-And most importantly, he has 30 days to quit his job, unless she does first. Non negotiable.

If he agrees, discretely place a VAR in his car along with a GPS tracker. Continue to monitor your cell bill for texts and calls and compare it with his phone to look for deleted texts. If he refuses to accept *all* of these consequences, implement the 180 to detach, see an attorney and start the divorce process; unless or until he complies fully.

Don't take this lightly. He's cheating on you whether it's an EA or a PA and you've got to take action.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## pal01 (Dec 12, 2017)

Hello everybody! Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to me as I have not told anybody about this and feel all alone while fighting this battle.

- I did confront my husband. He saw I'm serious this time. Gave him way many chances to end this 4 month long EA. He accepted his mistake but I'm not sure if he is really sorry or just want to stop me from going away.

- He and his co worker are not in the same states, so we can rule out PA. They did stop talking as of now. But it was the woman who stopped it after she realized that she might be be a problem in someone's marriage. My husband would have continued talking if she would not have stopped.

- What bothers me is his total disregard for my feelings in these last months where I have begged him crying not to talk with this woman. Where he lied straight to my face that he has stopped talking and I don't have to worry. Where he accepts that he would still be talking if that woman would not have stopped it.

- I know he is being honest but this hurts. He is asking for one last chance but I don't how to trust him again. He is feeling guilty I know that but can we get past this?

Please help and share your views on this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You answered your own question.Your husband would still be talking to the other woman if she allowed it.
He hasn’t changed one iota,she kicked him to the kerb (Allegedly)so now he falls back on plan B.You.
You should never accept being anyone’s plan B,plan B never becomes plan A.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Every second this continues, his feelings for you *drop logarithmically.*
> I suggest a major hammer smack. Even delivering divorce papers to him would not be out of line, realizing that shockingly, he could choose divorce. THat's how bad these emotional affairs change the mind of one spouse toward their wife or husband.
> He is clearly trying to start a relationship with this woman, and it would absolutely go to sex. If she's single, it would likely result in him leaving you. I'm crazy? NOPE. I'm experienced.
> 
> DROP THE HAMMER ON HIS ARSE. I second calling the OW.


Oh, my...
My Evinrude.

Your stature grows.
As your patience shrinks.
When truth be told, it is you that knows.

First hand.

That past slap, from that hand received, never you allow.. 
Never allow it to be forgotten.

No woman, shall hand you your azz unawares, found bruised. 
Not this, never again. A painful past ever mused.

Lilith-


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is sorry because you caught him, and because he knows that you are serious about maybe leaving him. I would make him stew, hint that you are thinking of ending the marriage because of the lies and deceit and that you can't trust him any more. He calls it 'a mistake', no it was a daily decision he made to carry on despite you finding out twice and asking him to stop.

Leave it a few weeks or even months, and then tell him what you have decided.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pal01 said:


> Hello everybody! Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to me as I have not told anybody about this and feel all alone while fighting this battle.
> 
> - I did confront my husband. He saw I'm serious this time. Gave him way many chances to end this 4 month long EA. He accepted his mistake but I'm not sure if he is really sorry or just want to stop me from going away.
> 
> ...


From their conversations you put on here, it sounded as if they had met in person?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

pal01 said:


> Hello everybody! Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to me as I have not told anybody about this and feel all alone while fighting this battle.
> 
> - I did confront my husband. He saw I'm serious this time. Gave him way many chances to end this 4 month long EA. He accepted his mistake but I'm not sure if he is really sorry or just want to stop me from going away.
> 
> ...


Yes you can turn this around.

As much as you would like..
As much as he deserves..

Do not be nasty to him.
Do not be cold.
Do not be distant.

Keep hugging him.
Press your face close to his.

Make him grateful he has you.
Not resentful that he is 'stuck' with you.

I know, I know. He deserve a kick in the pants. Deserves to be kicked down the street five hundred four feet.

But this is about winning, not doing the justifiable thing.

Rug sweeping? Yes, if you do not let him know, that you know that he effed up.
Letting him know he now has just one chance to make this right.
And by God, he better damn well prove his rightful remorse, rightful love for you.

His feet are half way out the door.
Choose.

Bring his foot in with kindness, or boot the other foot out using right minded justice.
A tough call.

Luckily, you both have your health. You have some time.
Give this marriage a year to heal...
No more.


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## pal01 (Dec 12, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Yes you can turn this around.
> 
> As much as you would like..
> As much as he deserves..
> ...




I totally agree with what you are saying. I believed kindness was the way to go. The thing is until now I have given him three chances. The last time I used this way. I was kind to him, told him I will help him end this emotional attachment. I did not mention her name once. Gave him all his privacy. Gave him enough time to end things up in his own way. Did not interfere. Was happily living with him. But then found these chats again. Now tell me what to do? This kindness thing did not work on him.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Sorry you are facing this. Many people on this site recognize this pattern.

He is the pursuer in the EA and I believe he is hoping for more than an EA. He repeatedly wants to be in close proximity to her. 

He is like a child looking for the boundaries. He has not found them yet because he is still getting away with this both with the other woman and with you. As this progresses, he is honing his lying skills and figuring out how much he can get away with.

I, personally, am not in favor of the big blow up fight or yelling and screaming to make your point. I did that when my husband was doing what yours is doing. All it did was make him feel more justified in what he was doing - his was married to a crazy woman. See? He will now use this to pull the other woman in - poor me, married to a woman who is overly jealous, can't control herself, etc. 

No...for me the solution came in the form of quiet resolve. One day I was told that if you have to yell you have already lost the battle. When I was quiet, calm and decisive he started to pay attention. I suggest you kick him out. Get him a room in a house if you have to. If he wants to lie to you, which he has repeatedly so you can no longer trust him, then he can not live with you. Off you go! When you decide you want to be my husband and partner again, I will allow you to start re-building my faith in you.

What we forget is that being close to us, sharing our bed, sharing our life is a privilege that is earned. Your husband earned it while he was dating you. He has lost it with his repeated lying and seeking the attention of another woman.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

pal01 said:


> This kindness thing did not work on him.


This could do more harm than good ... but if kindness isn’t working, you could inform his employer what is going on between them on company time. You husband is exposing the company to a liability and the both of them are stealing time from the company.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

pal01 said:


> I totally agree with what you are saying. I believed kindness was the way to go. The thing is until now I have given him three chances. The last time I used this way. I was kind to him, told him I will help him end this emotional attachment. I did not mention her name once. Gave him all his privacy. Gave him enough time to end things up in his own way. Did not interfere. Was happily living with him. But then found these chats again. Now tell me what to do? This kindness thing did not work on him.


Oh....

Tough love is now proper, properly put on the to-do list..

Separation is now called for.

Tell him to move out. Pack his things while he is at work. 

Do not bend. 

He will balk.
He will talk. Beg plead. Oh, please Momma, I will be good. Tell him, "You will be good? Good, be good somewhere else, not here."
Tell him he has to win you back. 

Stalk him in secret, while separated. See if he remains true blue.

Me? Tell him to leave. File for divorce.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

pal01 said:


> Hello everybody! Thank you for all your replies. It means a lot to me as I have not told anybody about this and feel all alone while fighting this battle.
> 
> - I did confront my husband. He saw I'm serious this time. Gave him way many chances to end this 4 month long EA. He accepted his mistake but I'm not sure if he is really sorry or just want to stop me from going away.
> 
> ...


Now is not the time for you to decide whether you can trust him again. It's much too soon for that. Instead, it is his problem to show you that you can again have some trust in him. However, of course, the trust will never be what it once was.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NickyT said:


> Sorry you are facing this. Many people on this site recognize this pattern.
> 
> He is the pursuer in the EA and I believe he is hoping for more than an EA. He repeatedly wants to be in close proximity to her.
> 
> ...


Great post. Setting clear boundaries and calmly telling him that this is not acceptable and you will leave until he decides if he wants to act like a faithful husband again sounds good. Then making it known that he will need to work at rebuilding the trust form scratch and dating you again for a set period before before you will come home is a great idea.


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## pal01 (Dec 12, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> From their conversations you put on here, it sounded as if they had met in person?


Just for one day. At office and for the team party after that.


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