# Husband likes to hangout with people half his age (underage girls)



## marriage2013 (Sep 29, 2013)

I am seriously having issues right now. My husband recently asked me if he could go on a weekend trip with his friend and his friend's teenage daughter (17) on a surfing trip this weekend. I told him no because I don't feel comfortable with him being around a teenage girl especially when she barely wears any clothes. They would all be staying the same place but will have separate rooms. He got angry at me and told me that I am just jealous of his friends daughter and he is not allowing me to spend time with his friends kids. I told him that it is inappropriate for a 51 year man to be hanging out with a teenager. His friends and him included, like to look at other girls at the beach (underage or not)...that I don't know. For me, it makes me sick to my stomach to know how he is and his friends are so for him to be around her, makes me feel very uneasy. I would personally would not let my daughter go and hang out with my husband's friends. My husband also likes to hang out with his other friend and their 20 year boys and "parties" with them. I am definitely married to a child. Am I overreacting?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Why the heck would his friend invite him to go on a Father/daughter trip anyway? That is so weird! Does his friend know your husband likes to eyeball underaged girls? I wonder how he'd feel if he knew about your husband's proclivities. Who all are invited? If he insists on going, I'd go if I were you, and call his BS out in front of his friend and embarrass his ass good and proper.

Why shouldn't you be jealous of him leering at other females? You two are married, regardless of the age of said female. You're definitely married to a man trying to recapture his youth. My ex never looked at other women in front of me, but he cheated with a 19 y/o (we're both 40) and it wasn't about looks, chick is a pale imitation of me. However, he had an established pattern of hanging out with younger people 15-20 years younger and got stuck in Peter Pan mode.

Does your husband like having people look up to him and affirm his coolness by blowing smoke up his ass? If so, watch out. What do you plan on doing about this? I don't think you're overreacting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriage2013 said:


> I am seriously having issues right now. My husband recently asked me if he could go on a weekend trip with his friend and his friend's teenage daughter (17) on a surfing trip this weekend. I told him no because I don't feel comfortable with him being around a teenage girl especially when she barely wears any clothes. They would all be staying the same place but will have separate rooms. He got angry at me and told me that I am just jealous of his friends daughter and he is not allowing me to spend time with his friends kids. I told him that it is inappropriate for a 51 year man to be hanging out with a teenager. His friends and him included, like to look at other girls at the beach (underage or not)...that I don't know. For me, it makes me sick to my stomach to know how he is and his friends are so for him to be around her, makes me feel very uneasy. I would personally would not let my daughter go and hang out with my husband's friends. My husband also likes to hang out with his other friend and their 20 year boys and "parties" with them. I am definitely married to a child. Am I overreacting?


Does your husband have any friends his own age other than these 2 fathers?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

This is difficult, but it's obvious your husband's behavior makes you feel uncomfortable. Knowing younger people through work etc and having some sort of friendship as in a work-based friendship I would think was pretty normal more of a same-sex thing. But hanging out and partying and holidaying with them I think is a bit of a red flag. Whether it is above board or not I wouldn't want to live with this type of stress. He looks at young woman/girls shows little attention to boundaries.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's may! where in the world can you surf in may without a full wetsuit?
I probably don't understand surfing. Here is what I do understand. Having people think you are a predatory creep. 
You believe your husband and his friends are a danger to all children. I'm assuming you have some evidence to back this up. But it doesn't change the idea that it is a horrible relationship for him. Don't get me wrong I have no sympathy for child predators, But I wouldn't live with someone who couldn't trust me.

Older men interacting with teenagers a very short guide:
As long as common sense precautions are taken it is healthy for teenagers to have relationships with good mature men. The men serve as role models, mentors, and sounding boards. They also tend to reign in the more risky teen behavior.
The RULES:
No one on one interaction. Always at least 2 adults present (adequate adult supervision). Safe activities are planned and parents informed and consenting Safety as a priority). No sharing of tents or restrooms. (privacy protected). 

There are some good youth protection courses available. They take 30 to 60 minutes to take. The one side effect is that after taking one you will wonder WTH schools are thinking. The break all the rules on a regular basis for cost savings.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

marriage2013 said:


> I am seriously having issues right now. My husband recently asked me if he could go on a weekend trip with his friend and his friend's teenage daughter (17) on a surfing trip this weekend. I told him no because I don't feel comfortable with him being around a teenage girl especially when she barely wears any clothes. They would all be staying the same place but will have separate rooms. He got angry at me and told me that I am just jealous of his friends daughter and he is not allowing me to spend time with his friends kids. I told him that it is inappropriate for a 51 year man to be hanging out with a teenager. His friends and him included, like to look at other girls at the beach (underage or not)...that I don't know. For me, it makes me sick to my stomach to know how he is and his friends are so for him to be around her, makes me feel very uneasy. I would personally would not let my daughter go and hang out with my husband's friends. My husband also likes to hang out with his other friend and their 20 year boys and "parties" with them. I am definitely married to a child. Am I overreacting?


Your husband has "creep" written all over him.

So his claim is that you won't let him 'spend time with his buddy's daughter?' What, is he her stepfather or something and you're depriving him of his parental rights? Maybe he needs to spend more time with his OWN daughter - unless he's creepy around _her _friends, too?

Yuck.

How can you possibly *respect* this guy when all he wants to do is gape at teenage girls and 'party' with 20 year old boys? I'd be *so* freakin' gone.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

On the surface, it really doesn't seem so strange or harmful. Do you have some other reasons to be concerned? I think that a lot of guys look at females on the beach so that's not so strange unless there is something that you're not saying or if they are kids.

As far as the trip, it might be creepy or not and it depends on a lot of things. I certainly don't think that the natural reaction should be that it's inappropriate for a man to go away with his friend and his friend's child or teenager. So I don't see it as a problem UNLESS there is some other factors in play here. Do you think your husband is going because of some sexual motivation? If so why?

I think it's kind of nice that different generations are spending time together and I think it's wrong to assume that there's sexual motivations unless there's more evidence of that than that he looks at females on the beach. But as always creepiness can be subtle and hard to describe. And for the 20 year old boys, that can be perfectly normal or unusual depending on if it's some kind of habit and the nature of the interactions.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Have you considered he's going to be there w/ the dad and the daughter is just an inconsequential part of it? I sometimes find myself spending time w/ friends and their kids, and I don't think it's any big deal, even if it is a pretty daughter.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't want to jump all over you, but unless there's a whole lot more to this story then you've told, I'm just not seeing a huge problem. 

From what you've written here, the issue sounds more yours than his, frankly.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

JustTheWife said:


> On the surface, it really doesn't seem so strange or harmful. Do you have some other reasons to be concerned?


I tend to agree with this, too. It sounds as though husband enjoys surfing, as does his friend (and friend's daughter). It's not that your husband is going for a surfing weekend away with friend's daughter. The trust of both her dad (the decision to invite his friend), and her dad's friend (your husband) are being questioned here. Unless there's something more to this than has been shared, whether something directly with your husband, or from your own history, I'd question the way this scenario is framed, titled, and the cause for mistrust.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I agree that this does not have to mean anything creepy. Two buddies going surfing, one of the brings daughter who shares the passion. Why not? It is possible for men to be around young women without throwing themselves on them. Do you really think your husband will try to flirt with 17 yo in front of her father/his buddy?
If anything, bringing daughter with them will make both guys to be more responsible during the weekend: should not get too drunk or go after women in the bar. She will be kind of like a chaperone.

unless there is more that you are not sharing. But noticing good looking people on the beach is normal. We all see them, just trying to be discreet about it isn’t why sunglasses were invented?, lol


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

This maybe innocent, but we are dismissing the fact that the OP feels really uncomfortable. We are taught to trust our instincts, why are we dismissing hers ?


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> This maybe innocent, but we are dismissing the fact that the OP feels really uncomfortable. We are taught to trust our instincts, why are we dismissing hers ?


The OP asked for opinions on whether or not she's overreacting.

Of course we should have trust in our instincts but sometimes people's instincts ARE wrong and getting opinions from others is useful. People have shared opinions on both sides. In sharing my opinion, i was careful to not dismiss her discomfort but to probe more about WHY she's feeling uncomfortable with it because I get the feeling that there is more to this than what's been shared. We can only respond to what we know.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

marriage2013 said:


> He got angry at me and told me that I am just jealous of his friends daughter


This is the statement of a man who thinks you see the daughter as competition. It doesn't sit right with me. I can see why you're concerned. If your husband doesn't want to be seen as a dirty old man, then he can stop acting like one.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can't imagine my mother letting me take a trip like that.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

marriage2013 said:


> He got angry at me and told me that I am just jealous of his friends daughter and he is not allowing me to spend time with his friends kids.


Is this written correctly? What you're saying is that HE is not allowing YOU to spend time with his friends' kids? OR do you mean that he told you that YOU are not allowing HIM to spend time with his friends' kids?

It's confusing because the idea to flows better with my second interpretation (i.e. it's things he told you but that's not what the words say.

Not trying to discuss grammar but if he's truly not allowing YOU to see his friends' kids then that would be weird if he, himself, wants to hang out with them. Regardless of what you mean here, it would be interesting to know his attitude for you being included in these outings.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

m.t.t said:


> This maybe innocent, but we are dismissing the fact that the OP feels really uncomfortable. We are taught to trust our instincts, why are we dismissing hers ?


If your instincts are never wrong then your life is a lot simpler than mine. My instincts suggest things to me, some sensible and some really dumb. There is a middle ground btw dismissing and blindly trusting them, that is what we're going for here.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> This maybe innocent, but we are dismissing the fact that the OP feels really uncomfortable. We are taught to trust our instincts, why are we dismissing hers ?


Without her telling more we do not know. The act itself does not have to be suspicious, and that’all we can say based in the very limit data about her husband.
Unless OP comes back and gives us more details then we can have better understanding.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> I can't imagine my mother letting me take a trip like that.


Did she trust your dad even a little bit?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's not that she wouldn't have trusted my father. It's that it looks creepy. Why create creepy looking situations?


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> It's not that she wouldn't have trusted my father. It's that it looks creepy. Why create creepy looking situations?


Not take a trip with family and friends just because you're afraid it might look creepy to some people with overactive imaginations? That's pretty sad.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> It's not that she wouldn't have trusted my father. It's that it looks creepy.


I don't agree.


> Why create creepy looking situations?


Because harmless good times with my friends matter, and the disapproval of unknown persons do not.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I hesitate, I've really said all that has meaning without further information from the OP.
I had a woman tell me that she though it was so dangerous trusting men with children, and that she was loath to do it. At which point I asked her why I had so often been involved with her own children. To which She replied, Well you're different (I have experience with you).
The reason I bring this up is because there is a culture of assumed guilt. If a person is a man, It is generally assumed by a large portion of the women that he is:
A cheater,
A rapist,
A child molester.
When a logical and unemotional evaluation would quickly come to the conclusion that only a few men could really be all that. 
Feminists call this Rape Culture. I'm pretty sure it is really Fear Culture. Taught and learned fear. An older version of the failed Stranger Danger teaching.
I love being a Trusted Adult. I am committed to doing nothing that would take that privilege away from me. Like most of the men I know I have a strong instinct to protect Children and women. And yet, not a week goes by without the creepy description on me. 
Again I recommend training to anyone who is affected by this fear. If you want to "not act creepy", If you want to be able to recognize real creepy from just male, If you want to have trusted adults or be a trusted adult, Then take the training. Most courses recommend retaking it every 2-3 years. Look for youth protection.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Him partying with people young enough to be his children and trying to be one of them is a concern and very unflattering towards him as well as embarrassing for the rest of his family.

I'm very near your husband in age and we, as a couple, do have some younger friends but there are some clear distinctions.

Now we both look at attractive people but we don't oggle kids and, depending on the looks your husband is giving, we certainly aren't leering at anyone.

I'm sorry if I missed it but do you have children?


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Him partying with people young enough to be his children and trying to be one of them is a concern and very unflattering towards him as well as embarrassing for the rest of his family.
> 
> I'm very near your husband in age and we, as a couple, do have some younger friends but there are some clear distinctions.
> 
> ...


It's certainly not clear that the OP's husband has ever "oggled at kids". We don't know what "partying" means and it's clear that she's referring to him "partying" with his friend and his friend's adult male children. The title of the thread is very inflammatory - "likes to hangout with people half his age (underage girls)" but the story, as told, does not support that extremely serious charge. Going away for the weekend with your friend and his daughter does not equate to "liking to hang out with underage girls" -- and the pedophilia that is strongly implied by those words.

As I said before, there may very well be much more to this story but we only know what the OP has said and frankly, it would be appalling and disgraceful to imply or suggest that your husband is a pedophile just because he wants to go away with his friend who happens to be bringing his daughter along. I can understand disagreeing with your husband's going away but it's simply disgraceful to imply that he's a pedophile unless there is something more to this than the OP has revealed.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, I spent the weekend away. I didn't get any complaint from my spouse of record. I drove 6 hours with an 18 year old nephew. To deliver my 20ish year old niece's stuff to her college apartment. My younger sister rode with her. I stayed at my other younger sisters house. Kids as young as 11. None of them wanted to "camp" in the back yard with me. They were up past 1 AM Partying (games) in the living room. The next day I hauled a truckload of stuff from younger sisters garage to the landfill and a trailer full of used cabinets to her house. Then drove 6 hours back home with sis and nephew. 
So, I spent the weekend "partying" with people half my age (54). At least one underage girl was around. So I fit the title of this thread. 
Now if I had been serving alcohol to 20 year old (not 21) sons or daughters of my work friends, that would be a whole different story. And it would also fit the title of this thread.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I am going to have to side with those that say there isn't enough info for me to draw a conclusion here, basically the OP came on here and framed it in a way that makes it seem pervy. But....I actually have a handful of close male friends with daughters. I am like family to them and like an uncle to their daughters. Not at all unusual for my friends daughters to be around with one or two or their friends if we're hanging out. Its hard to explain but you simply don't look at them that way. I certainly don't hang out with my own daughter's friends, but they are around a lot. I joke with them I laugh with them, I ask them about "boys" , we talk about the latest music etc. I don't see anything weird or off about this....but if my ex-wife posted about it from a different angle it would indeed sound weird.

I also disagree that jealousy may not be the root cause of this. I guess it seems odd that some don't think thats the motive, but there are people that really don't want their mates hanging around young and attractive people. I've seen the attractive woman in a room get dagger eyes before if women notice there man staring a bit too long. 

Lastly, unless the OP's husband is a complete degenerate, would he really be oogling his friend's daughter and her friends? I would think his friend would not be cool with that at all. Like to the point of wanting to fight him over it. Unless the OP provides more background, I feel that she is over reacting, and may even have visions of her husband drinking beers with scantily clad teenage girls in bikinis. But the reality is when you hang with teenagers, there is some interaction, but for the most part you do your thing and they do theirs. Trust me those girls will not be wanting to spend the day with dad and his buddy.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> I am going to have to side with those that say *there isn't enough* *info *for me to draw a conclusion here, basically the OP came on here and framed it in a way that makes it seem pervy.


I usually give advice on the assumption the poster has provided the relevant info. If they haven't, they won't get good advice, but what can I do?


> But....I actually have a handful of close male friends with daughters. I am like family to them and like an uncle to their daughters. Not at all unusual for my friends daughters to be around with one or two or their friends if we're hanging out. Its hard to explain but you simply don't look at them that way.


I don't see why this is hard to explain, or that it even needs explaining. You don't try to bed every female who gets in your proximity; not complicated or hard to believe.


> I certainly don't hang out with my own daughter's friends, but they are around a lot. I joke with them I laugh with them, I ask them about "boys" , we talk about the latest music etc. I don't see anything weird or off about this....but if my ex-wife posted about it from a different angle it would indeed sound weird.
> 
> I also disagree that jealousy may not be the root cause of this. I guess it seems odd that some don't think thats the motive, but there are people that really don't want their mates hanging around young and attractive people. I've seen the attractive woman in a room get dagger eyes before if women notice there man staring a bit too long.


Jealousy is one possible motive, another is just controlling behavior. But which bad motive is present is less important than, is there a good motive? I think no.


> Lastly, unless the OP's husband is a complete degenerate, would he really be oogling his friend's daughter and her friends? I would think his friend would not be cool with that at all. Like to the point of wanting to fight him over it.


Yes. It would indeed be weird if OP's H and the daughter wanted to go on a trip just the two of them, but that the dad is going makes it mundane IMO.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I think the only way that the situation looks legit is if the OP is invited as well.
If I were in that situation, the only way that I would even consider going was if my wife went as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustTheWife said:


> It's certainly not clear that the OP's husband has ever "oggled at kids". We don't know what "partying" means and it's clear that she's referring to him "partying" with his friend and his friend's adult male children. The title of the thread is very inflammatory - "likes to hangout with people half his age (underage girls)" but the story, as told, does not support that extremely serious charge. Going away for the weekend with your friend and his daughter does not equate to "liking to hang out with underage girls" -- and the pedophilia that is strongly implied by those words.
> 
> As I said before, there may very well be much more to this story but we only know what the OP has said and frankly, it would be appalling and disgraceful to imply or suggest that your husband is a pedophile just because he wants to go away with his friend who happens to be bringing his daughter along. I can understand disagreeing with your husband's going away but it's simply disgraceful to imply that he's a pedophile unless there is something more to this than the OP has revealed.


Well I never implied he was anything other than a 51 year old man who likes to party with 20 year olds and tries to be one of them.
I'm actually not implying those things either because they are facts unless you are calling the OP a liar.

He has some obvious red flags though I would like to know more.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Well I never implied he was anything other than a 51 year old man who likes to party with 20 year olds and tries to be one of them.
> I'm actually not implying those things either because they are facts unless you are calling the OP a liar.
> 
> He has some obvious red flags though I would like to know more.


Well it was perfectly clear in my post that I was not saying that YOU implied anything. I was talking about the OP's post. Very clear.

Not sure how I'm saying that the OP is a liar. What I said is that it's disgraceful and appalling to imply or suggest that her husband has inappropriate thoughts about a child UNLESS there is more to this story than what's been said and in fact he has some kind of history or other indication that he's got inappropriate or sexual motivations with a child. She didn't come out and say it but it's strongly implied by her words.


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