# Um, endurance?



## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

I figured I would pop in here to get some advice from men (and women if they are lurking about). I don’t have any male friends and if I did I wouldn’t want to embarrass my husband. 

He has the problem of orgasming quickly. From start (kissing, heavy petting) to finish it is about 5 minutes. Once he has finished he is...finished. No matter what I do to try to get him back into it that doesn’t work. It interferes with other activities. For instance he doesn’t like me to give him BJ’s because if he gets his cookie the cookie jar is now closed. He also doesn’t want me to use my hands to stroke him for the same reason. As it is, it has gotten very hard for me to be satisfied. I love having sex with him. After 22 years he is still sexy and can turn me on just by thinking about him. Most of the time it has to start with oral before moving to intercourse so we can both get a cookie. Don’t ask where the cookie thing came up we have always joked about that instead of the “O”. This has been an issue since we were dating but now his sex drive has decreased. Even with this issue we still had a great sex For the first 15 or so years in our relationship. Now he initiates ever other week to three weeks. My drive is at least once a week. I say he initiates because we have had conversations about this *a lot* and I feel rejected when he says he doesn’t want to and he says he feels inadequate so I have no idea what to try. 

I did ask him that maybe he should go for a physical and when the doctor is ordering blood work to get his testosterone level checked. It lowers as you get older and maybe his is low. Yeah no dice on that one. I would not dream of bringing up the blue pill. He already feels inadequate and won’t even get a lab test for the testosterone, or even trying to take vitamins that have testosterone.

Anyone with this experience.

~Lil~


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## HDC (Nov 8, 2017)

If he is over 40 he should take a free testosterone booster. Nugenix is the big name right now but there are cheaper versions. TestHD by muscletech is a good one. It will make him have increased energy and feel better. Probably will help the libido as well.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How can your sex life be great if he lasts 5 minutes? That sounds horrible. If you are telling him this is great, he has no reason to do anything about it. He should be the one looking into this and doing whatever he can to resolve it. It's not something to joke about.

Your husband is overly sensitive. He won't have his testosterone levels checked because why? Good grief. He needs to look into this, but it sounds like you coddle him.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Could this be in any way related to his guarding his ipad, phone, traveling, etc.?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.

You see, a REAL man would make sure you're satisfied first before being satisfied and being DONE for the night. Does he know he can actually satisfy you without climbing on top of you? 

It's all about *his* orgasm and *his* inability to control himself and *him* ultimately being satisfied when it's all said and done while you - as usual - are left there hanging. 

Why on earth do you even have sex with someone this incredibly *selfish*?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.
> 
> You see, a REAL man would make sure you're satisfied first before being satisfied and being DONE.
> 
> ...


I don't always make sure she cums first, but I always make sure she cums.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Lillee here's the thing. If you have talked to him about your needs, done what you can to convince him he needs to take action, and he STILL doesn't take action then your choice is either to accept him as he is (and that means NO RESENTMENT), get your needs met outside of the marriage, or divorce him. If he is a wonderful man who you would never consider leaving, then you need to figure out coping mechanisms to deal with your unhappiness regarding sex. Find a good therapist to discuss your frustrations. Whatever you do, if you wish to stay in the marriage, DO NOT continue to nag him or bring up your issues with the quality of sex. You WILL end of divorced.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

It doesn't sound like low T has anything to do with this. He has a quick trigger, I guess maybe borderline PE. He is well aware of this, so odds are that does in fact impact him. His drive may be fine, but he probably is having self confidence issues due to his PE (and my guess, in part embarrassed by this). For better or worse, the more you push him the worse he is going to feel, so it is a tough situation. Vitamins are not going to do a thing ("test boosters" are garbage). The only things I can think of:

- Get a full hormonal panel done (IMO, this should be mandatory for every male). I got this done via an online provider.
- Read up on doing kegels ( https://www.gq.com/story/kegel-exercises-for-better-sex-men)
- Make sure he is exercising
- If he is ashamed to talk to a doctor, have him check out sites like https://www.getroman.com/ which allows for consultation via a doctor online. They do have services specifically for PE (numbing wipes and medication). I am guessing the medication is Zolof which I would be a little hesitant regarding.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ellis recapped a complete physical is required and that is the only true start in getting some answers. 

There's no reason in the world he should oppose a physical and complete bloodwork panel.

In showing love and caring for an SO, this is what spouses do. Period. 

Not even focused on sex, just as a sign of consideration and love.

There are always opportunities in life's stages to find variety in a ltr sex life, look for the hidden perks in these current circumstances. This is not an unusual stage in a marriage btw.

This may be an additional opportunity to work through this process and both parties come away with new information and techniques to keep things revved up for the next 20 yrs.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It is not testosterone related in my opinion. Studies done on it, have shown it to be a potential cause in less than 10% of people. Even then, it is just people with low T that also have PE.

For me, I have issues with it, when my T was low and now that I am treated for T levels, no change. Even though my T levels are about 4x what they were.

It is almost always psychological, and a physiological treatment will only work if it is numbing the area or removing sensation.

Even with my issues, I would spend as much time as my wife wanted pleasing her with a mixture of other activities.

On a side note: I work in the supplement industry and I would not buy a Testosterone supplement ever. There are no real ones that work, all data is usually from studies on very low T men, or animals with forced low T. They don't increase T levels significantly. If you actually have low T, it is about the same price to get actual T from a doctor than buy supplements anyway.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Tasorundo said:


> On a side note: I work in the supplement industry and I would not buy a Testosterone supplement ever. There are no real ones that work, all data is usually from studies on very low T men, or animals with forced low T. They don't increase T levels significantly. If you actually have low T, it is about the same price to get actual T from a doctor than buy supplements anyway.


Just wanted to strongly highlight the above.... Even the ones that claim a 10%+ gain in T, if you do the math that is actually nothing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It may be multiple things, as Tas says, and I'd think so too, one component will be a psychological aspect.

Another may be it takes more physical work and attention for a man, to "go longer".

Part may be laziness. 

Part may be lack of physical strength and endurance. 

Certainly there's a he thinks "it's worked so far, why change" aspect.

If put to him in such a way as if shared with him "it really hasn't been that good" way (I'm not saying you've done) there's the confidence confusing part.

Which brings emotion into the mix, part of the psychological. 

It can be any or all of these things, or something not yet mentioned. 

Kudos for approaching rationally. 

It's a process. Hang in there.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I think it would be best to focus on his lack of concern for your desires. That is ultimately the issue.

You are trying to treat something that might help, but even if it took 3x as long for him to finish, he isn't spending that time on pleasing you, just working harder to finish himself.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Not sure he realizes how selfish he is. He doesn't want to be embarrassed. He doesn't want to see a doctor. He doesn't seem to want to educate himself on techniques that would help both of you. He won't address issues that appear regularly in the lives of many men.

How much happier would both of you be if he didn't insist on hiding the elephant in the room? I think a sex therapist would do wonders for this situation. If there were no need for sex therapists, they would not be in business. When we have issues in any other field, we see an expert, why not sexual performance?

There is educational material even on here that would help him change his focus. When he focuses on his partner, his issues are likely to improve, especially if he uses proven techniques with regard to PE.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Not with this experience, the opposite really, but that is how I know about it. 

This is not an uncommon problem for some men. 

There are a multitude of things that will help this for him. 

Places like "For Hims" or whatever they are called, have sprays that reduce the sensitivity and allow guys to last longer. Also taking ED meds can allow men with PE to get a second erection and then last longer that way. 

It is embarrassing to guys that have this issue but IT IS FIXABLE...

There are also, certain anti depressants that will help with this issue. Effexor, and Paxil to name a few. 

Some doc will prescribe this for men with this problem. 

That is the way that I found out about this stuff, I had the opposite problem in that it takes me FOREVER TO GET THERE and my AD that I was taking made it worse to the point that I could not finish at all sometimes. 

Also, guys can learn to manage their orgasms as well, I am not sure how I learned to do that in the first place, so I cannot help with that, I just kind of became aware that I was doing over the years...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A real man would also find other ways to satisfy you if he did finish first (possibly after a few minutes of recovery time). Some men can't get hard again for a long time, but there are lots of other things he can do. 





She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.
> 
> You see, a REAL man would make sure you're satisfied first before being satisfied and being DONE for the night. Does he know he can actually satisfy you without climbing on top of you?
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Get yourself a Hitachi wand and tell him to pound sand the next time he approaches you for sex.

You can try to appeal to him rationally through conversation ... which hasn't worked. Or go for practical. Satisfy yourself, and in turn demonstrate the same behavior towards him, that he has been demonstrating towards you.

I for one am unfamiliar with what the remedy rate is for PE ... but I don't think it's good. In other words, I don't think its likely you will make progress on that front. Regardless, there is nothing preventing the gentleman from stepping up and doing what needs to be done to at least satisfy you and show that he is invested in your satisfaction and well-being.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lillee said:


> ......He has the problem of orgasming quickly. From start (kissing, heavy petting) to finish it is about 5 minutes. Once he has finished he is...finished. No matter what I do to try to get him back into it that doesn’t work. It interferes with other activities. For instance he doesn’t like me to give him BJ’s because if he gets his cookie the cookie jar is now closed. He also doesn’t want me to use my hands to stroke him for the same reason. As it is, it has gotten very hard for me to be satisfied. I love having sex with him. After 22 years he is still sexy and can turn me on just by thinking about him. *Most of the time it has to start with oral before moving to intercourse so we can both get a cookie.*
> ......My drive is at least once a week. I say he initiates because we have had conversations about this *a lot* *and I feel rejected when he says he doesn’t want to and he says he feels inadequate* so I have no idea what to try.
> 
> I did ask him that maybe he should go for a physical and when the doctor is ordering blood work to get his testosterone level checked. It lowers as you get older and maybe his is low. Yeah no dice on that one. *I would not dream of bringing up the blue pill. He already feels inadequate and won’t even get a lab test for the testosterone, or even trying to take vitamins that have testosterone.*


A few thoughts. First, you and your husbands view of sex is that you both have to do it at the same time and achieve your cookie. Why not play together and one night you get your cookie and he get's his on another night. They can be at different frequencies....say you get your cookie each week and he get's his every other week. Have you tried different times of the day, men have higher hormone levels during morning wood. May schedule him to get a cookie on Saturday or Sunday morning after he is well rested. Maybe schedule your cookie for Wednesday night. Sex can be about taking turns, especially if your libido's don't match.

Second, have you thought about how your attitude could be influencing his perception of things. Sit down with him and tell him that you have been doing some thinking about how quickly he orgasms and that you have decided you are kind of ashamed of your reaction and want to ask his forgiveness. Tell him that after thinking about it, it is really flattering that he finds you so arousing and attractive that he has a hard time not cumming quickly when he is naked in front of you. Tell him you love giving him orgasms and don't want him to ever feel bad about how much you arouse him. 

Third, have you ever heard of Pavlov's dog? The concept is that Pavlov trained a dog to salivate everytime it heard a bell ring. Many men have been physically conditioned by masturbation to "cum" quickly. Maybe you and your H need to work on reprogramming his orgasmic response to stimulation. Sit down with him and tell him that you want to role play with him, you will be a young social neuroscientist doing a modern version of Pavlov's experiment, and he will be your subject. If you want you can even dress for the part in a nice white lab coat. Or you can do it without the role playing or outfit. 

While there could be medical reasons for lack of endurance, that is usually associated not with coming quickly, but with some form of not being able to keep it up. His problem doesn't seem to be one of going flaccid, it is one of over arousal, which is typically not a low T, or other heart health issue.

Good luck. If that doesn't work, or you can't talk to him about it schedule some time together with a sex therapist marriage counselor, they can provide you and your H with exercises to reset your sex life. Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lexapro, ask your GP.

1/2 of one of those 1 hour before sex and he won't get his cookie for a hour or more.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> *I think it would be best to focus on his lack of concern for your desires. That is ultimately the issue.*
> 
> You are trying to treat something that might help, but even if it took 3x as long for him to finish, he isn't spending that time on pleasing you, just working harder to finish himself.


Ding , ding, ding. Winner, winner chicken dinner!

You nailed it @Tasorundo. We could sit here and tell her he is a selfish a hole or he needs to do this or he needs to do that but at the end of the day, this isn't a problem she can fix. All she can do is express her wants and desires and hope he loves and respects her enough to fix his issues.

ETA:. Been there done that. Have the t-shirt that says 'I failed'.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.
> 
> You see, a REAL man would make sure you're satisfied first before being satisfied and being DONE for the night. Does he know he can actually satisfy you without climbing on top of you?
> 
> ...


Bullfng sh*t got news for you. Men are not robots.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SongoftheSouth said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> > I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.
> ...


Lol....does this hit too close to home?


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## Music Lover (Feb 9, 2016)

Lillee

I can only speak from my own experience, but I have found it takes me more time to orgasm not less as I get older - it’s only my recovery time that is an issue. Could it be that your husband is losing his mojo because he is not physically fit? Carrying extra weight doesn’t help either. 

Maybe you can find some physical activity or sport that he would enjoy or better still one that you could do together. I have found that I need exercise even more as I age. Lethargy is a hard habit to break, but the rewards are enormous. I can’t help feeling he’s probably missing out on almost as much as you if he did but realise it.

My previous partner told me she had a similar problem to yours with her ex. In fact, she thought that I musn’t be finding her sexy because I took longer than he had. I presume he must have been using not being able to contain himself because she was so incredibly hot as an excuse for his shortcomings. 

I hope you and your husband are able to work through this problem.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

So what's being said is, sex isn't all about me?

Sh!t, I may have to rethink things.

😎😎😎

hehehe


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So what's being said is, sex isn't all about me?
> 
> Sh!t, I may have to rethink things.
> 
> ...


Consider the source.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Some misc. comments on the advice so far:

Lexapro, yes it can take all night to get to the cookie. This is a drug I take. But a warning, if his drive is low already this could kill it. I was craving 2x / week before this drug. Now I can go a month and not be bothered.

Desensitizer, tried that a bit. not happy with the result.

Cialis, when it used to work for me I could stay hard after the O Cookie.

She comes first. That is now a rule in our bedroom. Hey I might not get there so she gets the cookie and is then very generous to get one for me, even though she is a one and done gal most times.

Where the cookie thing came from. I have no idea but there was this father and son chat on "That 70's Show" where the dad advised "sex is like eating Chinese dinner, it isn't over until everyone gets a cookie."

My favorite cure for PE is 2 nights in a row. Always takes a lot longer the second night. If it's been 3 weeks I can pop in 5 minutes even with lexapro.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.
> 
> You see, a REAL man would make sure you're satisfied first before being satisfied and being DONE for the night. Does he know he can actually satisfy you without climbing on top of you?
> 
> ...


“If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”

― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess sex is the ALL ABOUT HIM SHOW.
> 
> You see, a REAL man would make sure you're satisfied first before being satisfied and being DONE for the night. Does he know he can actually satisfy you without climbing on top of you?
> 
> ...


God....you are getting to be a judgmental shrew.....!


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> Lol....does this hit too close to home?


How bad do you want to find out POI? :smile2:


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SongoftheSouth said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Lol....does this hit too close to home?
> ...


I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm thinking it's inappropriate, and my hubby would likely agree.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm thinking it's inappropriate, and my hubby would likely agree.


sarcasm, joke get it?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I might have missed it when viewing the thread, but I haven't heard you talk much about his refractory period. I'm assuming he's only lasting a minute - maybe 2 - when you two begin having sex. Can he get his cookie, wait about 10 - 15 min and then try again with you to see if he can last longer? Has he been able to go more often than once in a day? I think some people have solved the PE riddle via edging. Maybe that can help him get better control over himself in order to last longer.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I might have missed it when viewing the thread, but I haven't heard you talk much about his refractory period. I'm assuming he's only lasting a minute - maybe 2 - when you two begin having sex. Can he get his cookie, wait about 10 - 15 min and then try again with you to see if he can last longer? Has he been able to go more often than once in a day? I think some people have solved the PE riddle via edging. Maybe that can help him get better control over himself in order to last longer.


In my opinion I think that is likely not appetizing to women, which is to knowingly be with their man when he is only lukewarm and not 100% into it. 

It is as if a woman craves for her man to be totally freaking out of control with lust and desire for her, but at the same time for him to somehow have full control of that to be romantic and patient to focus on her pleasure. Anything short of exactly that and we guys perhaps come across as if we are just not that interested or loving. 

The only solution is for the guy to take matter into his own hands ahead of time to numb himself, and then edge himself back up for it. Then outright lie by pretending it has been a long time since anything has happened and he has to have it! But the guy has to know his refractory timings well or else he will experience anorgasmia and have to fake it somehow.

Unfortunately we can't coach the woman to ask her guy to try that, or the pretending to have not jerked off recently part will totally fail. And most guys will not seek advice from other guys, which is the cliche of a dude driving around lost and refusing to ask for directions. 

So I now realize this advice will fall on deaf ears....

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The OP started a thread less than a month ago regarding her husband lying about his whereabouts. Many folks advised her to start checking his phone, computer, ipad, etc. After all, he lied about going out with coworkers after work. And he didn't admit to the OP for several days after that he lied.

Okay, so now we have the OP worrying about her husband's possible PE and inability to satisfy her once he's gotten his "cookie." 

So we can establish to some degree, based on what the OP has told us, that her husband is selfish and lies.

Helluva lot more wrong with this marriage than a guy who cums too fast and leaves his wife frustrated … LOTS MORE. (Not that the sex thing isn't pretty damn bad in and of itself …)

JMO.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> The OP started a thread less than a month ago regarding her husband lying about his whereabouts. Many folks advised her to start checking his phone, computer, ipad, etc. After all, he lied about going out with coworkers after work. And he didn't admit to the OP for several days after that he lied.
> 
> Okay, so now we have the OP worrying about her husband's possible PE and inability to satisfy her once he's gotten his "cookie."
> 
> ...


Liar, yes. Selfish...i mean it looks like he actually suffers from PE, but according to OP, he was doing the oral thing and getting her off that way. 

If he is lying, than his lack of desire is tied to that. If he isn't lying, then OP already alluded to why this is happening...he suffers from PE and the fact that they keep bringing it up is hurting his libido. 

But he is being selfish at a more strategic level by not trying to figure out the root cause or not indulging in the blue pill every once and a while.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You might not easily get him to fix his selfish ways when it comes to your satisfaction .... but you can make him wear a rubber to add some duration.

Short term fix for long term issue.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

I might be vindictive, but get him close and leave him hanging a few times. Then go take care of yourself. That will send some sort of message.


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## Shortdrive (Dec 7, 2018)

From what I’ve read endurance problems have to do with getting too excited and anxious. I had this problem for years. Be cause my first wife and I had very infrequent sex. After her death my second wife was sex crazy and it showed me that frequent sexual encounters helped immensely. The anxiousness was gone and confidence and stamina was up. So try as much sex ( like daily) as is humanly possible. Do it like your marriage depends on it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Is his mouth broken ????


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