# Am I looking at everything through A colored glasses?



## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

My W had an A a little over a year ago. Since then she has done a ton of work to become a better person, dealing with lots of FOO issues, etc, etc. The model wayward, if you will.

One thing keeps bothering me though. Very early on when we were dating we were in a long-distance relationship. She went out late with friends one night and didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. I had to go somewhere for a few days and didn't have the ability to call so we went a few days without talking. She left several messages during that time saying she was sorry we didn't talk before i went offline, afraid it was over with us, etc. Turns out that night she separated from the main group and ended up hanging out with a (male) friend but swears up and down nothing happened. Her friends even asked her if anything happened and she told them no. For years I gave her the benefit of the doubt but now nearly 17 years later I still have this nagging feeling something DID happen. 

I guess the problem is if she admitted something did happen, it would be one more reason to end things. But if she maintains that nothing happened, I doubt I'll ever believe her. Such is the curse of infidelity I suppose - you end up doubting everything.

The other thing that bothers me is that she always felt like I was cheating on her. I read on another thread that often cheaters assume everyone else cheats since they do. So now am I reading into this that there is probably more than I know?

After she finally pulled her head out of her a$$ she was very forthcoming with everything that happened and you could tell that a load was lifted off her conscious when she came clean. So does she just think the rest is water under the bridge or is she honest? 

Throughout our marriage she has always been very disgusted by anyone that was unfaithful. In fact she was more critical of that than almost any other bad marriage behavior so I know she knows that it's bad behavior. It would have also been very difficult logistically to pull off an affair in recent years (the PA part of her affair was when she was out of town which didn't happen often in the past). 

I guess I'm just worried now that because of what happened that I am creating situations that aren't there. On the other hand I am wiser to what she is/was capable of. Fool me once...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

how long was her affair? Who did she cheat with? How did you find out?


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

how long was her affair? 
-- 3 months

Who did she cheat with? 
-- some loser she met on an online game (I would argue she had an online gaming addiction up-to and during the A). One of my deal-breakers was starting game play again.

How did you find out?
-- this is a pretty long story in-and-of-itself, but the short version is I heard a voice mail after suspecting something was up. At this point it was "just a kiss" and I found further contact a month later and the sh1t hit the fan. Mostly through my own detective work but also with some admittance on her part found out the full extent of what happened. (I'm intentionally leaving out a lot of details but suffice to say it was not pretty.)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You could ask her to take a polygraph about the incident 17 years ago.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

We've talked about a polygraph and neither one of us are comfortable with the "science" behind them. Too many false positives / false negatives.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Do you want to find out that she slept with him 17 years ago so that you can pull the plug? Put yourself out of your misery so to speak?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She cheated recently and you both are reconciling. But you have doubts about what happened 17 years ago.

About the recent one, did she come clean on her own? If she did, probably you need not doubt about the long past one. 

Someone has suggested ploy and you say your ww is doing the heavylifting. Would you suggest a poly?


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

It's a very good question. If she came home and told me today that something did happen, I'm really not sure what I would do. Most likely end things though. More for the lying the last year than the last 17 years if that makes sense. 

I've often thought that it would be easier if she just effed up again so the decision would be made for me in a sense. 

I guess the bigger point of all of this is that in the past I would have believed her even when there was loads of evidence contradicting what was coming out of her mouth. But now, the slightest circumstantial evidence immediately makes me think she is being dishonest.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Angry, she only came clean with one part of the A (that it happened one other time) but I would have figured that out eventually. 

Most of what she confessed to was only after I had evidence that contradicted what she was telling me. 

Modern technology gives us a very accurate transcript of what happens during these things, unfortunately.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you're going to have to decide if you can live with her without knowing for sure. I still don't know for absolutely positively sure that my hubby never met up with anyone from AFF etc. I just have his word and the evidence proving he was scammed. To me, it wouldn't make any difference if he did, even if he admitted it now. We're stupidly happy and the only thing that could change that is if he cheats again, not what he did in the past. But I still wish I knew for sure.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> We've talked about a polygraph and neither one of us are comfortable with the "science" behind them. Too many false positives / false negatives.


In regards to polys, this was just posted over on MB. See if it makes sense to you.



MelodyLane said:


> TP, we have had amazingly good results with polygraphs. Most of the confessions come BEFORE the actual test. The BS sets up the appointment and then 2 days before the appt tells the WS and hands him/her a list of questions. Give her one last chance to come clean before the test but make it clear that the marriage is not going forward unless they pass the test. They typically sing like a canary!!
> 
> It goes like this:
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have her take the polygraph. No matter how you feel about the 'science' behind it, the actual ACT of taking it will tell you everything you need to know. And you'll get most of the truth on the drive to the test. Basic psychology.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she kept admitting only to what you could prove. As you uncovered more and more she would then admit more and more. That is called trickle-truth and it is very common.

As far as her thinking you were cheating - it is part of the cheating wife script. Called projection. She was projecting her behavior on to you (falsely) making it easier for her to justify what she was doing.

For some husbands (myself included) a PA is the breaking point. No coming back from that.

As for seeing the world through Affair colored glasses - good for you. You already know she did it once and she could do it again. Never forget that. Even if you do successfully reconcile, don't drop your guard.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> Throughout our marriage she has always been very disgusted by anyone that was unfaithful.


My WW was so critical of,and unforgiving to, my older brother when his marriage collapsed because of his affair. Don't be fooled by her attitude to other cheaters, it's a smokescreen.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yessongs72 said:


> My WW was so critical of,and unforgiving to, my older brother when his marriage collapsed because of his affair. Don't be fooled by her attitude to other cheaters, *it's a smokescreen*.


And usually the more ardent and disgusted they appear the more they have to hide. It most certainly _*can*_ be a smokescreen. 

As has been stated and you've heard, thieves (and cheaters) always think everyone else is stealing (or cheating).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was an incident on the Jeremy Kyle USA Show a while back. A woman was denying in the strongest possible terms that she was a secret prostitute.

As the show was not known in the USA -at least at that time- she might not have known that the format of the show always included lie detector tests if sexual cheating was suspected or alleged.

When she was told that she would be subject to a lie detector test she immediately caved in and told the programme's researchers that, in fact, she really was a secret prostitute.

Her poor husband collapsed in tears and she said something to the effect of: "Honey! All those men. They meant nothing to me! Not like you do! It was just sex! I love you!"

Her father (a pastor) her mother and her little sister (brought on by here to bolster her original denial story) were all sobbing too, clinging to each other.

So, yes, even before a lie detection test is carried out it can bring forth information.

Ask about the incident 17 years ago. But also establish if anything else happened in the intervening 17 years...


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> My W had an A a little over a year ago. Since then she has done a ton of work to become a better person, dealing with lots of FOO issues, etc, etc. The model wayward, if you will.
> 
> One thing keeps bothering me though. Very early on when we were dating we were in a long-distance relationship. She went out late with friends one night and didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. ................. Her friends even asked her if anything happened and she told them no. For years I gave her the benefit of the doubt but now nearly 17 years later I still have this nagging feeling something DID happen.
> 
> ...


Normal for a WW to only admit what you know about or have proof of.

Your gut is never wrong. Her friends saw how she interacted with that OM from 17 years ago before she disappeared with him.

Their questioning WW about what went down was based on what the saw and that she was unaccounted for all the rest of that night.

If you have not polygraphed your WW it is time to do so to find the truth out from 17 years ago.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The question is why is hse afraid of a poly? You too for that matter. The bigger question is how you KNOW she hasn't taken it underground. They almost always try.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I wonder...what is your honest opinion of a polygraph? 
Was it, you wanted her to get one, then she told you about all the false results they tend to give people? Does that raise any suspision?

As for polygraphs, they are mostly accurate, unless:
You have anti-social personality disorder: which means you need to get the hell out of there! Very dangerous disorder!!! Most serial killers have this disorder. 
Or, she could've been trained by the CIA and learned how to pass one. 

So, do either of those fit?

Also, want to make sure I am reading this right. 

You think your WW has been the model wayward. 

Yet...when you tried to talk about the affair with her, she lied through her teeth. Only when you presented evidence that contradicted what she was telling you, did she admit to anything. 

When a polygraph was brought up, you are for some reason, scared to test it due to the science behind it...
I don't think you are scared that results will be wrong. You're scared you already know the results, and don't want to face the facts. You want to keep believing what you know to be false. 

Because when a WS is truly honest, they don't bicker over taking a polygraph, or worry about the results. They take them, and while the results are sad, they are expected, and the BS doesn't get hit with another bomb shell. 

So...how the hell is she a model wayward again?
Lots of hysterical bonding?


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Thanks all. Keep in mind, d-day was over a year ago and it was pretty fully addressed through thousands of dollars of therapy, self-discovery, participation in online communities, etc, etc. Sure there was all the hysterical bonding, then no bonding (I couldn't do it without all the mental sh1t), then through some very intense therapy for me got past a lot of that, now it's more a release for me.

As for the trickle truth, believe me I know all about that. After d-day 2 she confirmed most of what I knew and unsolicited provided details about something I didn't yet know about.

My comment regarding her being the model wayward is based on reading on this board and others about everything a wayward should do. Discovering the "whys", establishing boundaries, working on herself, making me and my healing a priority, etc. I could go on, but in all honesty, I am satisfied with the changes she's made. If I wasn't and if there was anything I needed her to do and she didn't that would be a deal breaker for me.

She actually asked if it would make me feel better for her to take a poly. Prior to this, I did a fair amount of research into the validity of polygraphs from a pure intellectual pursuit and based on what I found and that we discussed together (prior to this happening), didn't have enough confidence in the results to have her take one. If there was a sure-fire way of guaranteeing the accuracy of the results I would insist in a second.

I guess I just have a lot to consider. In all likeliness she did cheat 17 years ago. She says no but I don't think I would ever believe her at this point. So I guess that's just one more nail in the coffin of this thing.

It is important for me to know though. It's important because it's the difference between a one time f-up and a pattern.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Oh yeah and I should add I am very confident the A is done. Douchbag tried to go fishing several months ago and she immediately notified me so we could (electronically) slap him around like the b1tch he is and out him to his very Morman family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As so many have pointed out - and you likely haven't found in your research - is that the POINT of a polygraph is to put the cheater through a VERY stressful event before which and during which she will feel the gravity of what she's done to you. It's not even ABOUT the answers, ok? Just go back to her and tell her you can't move on, that you need something else from her. That you want the polygraph, no matter what the answers.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

WonderHow said:


> Oh yeah and I should add I am very confident the A is done. Douchbag tried to go fishing several months ago and she immediately notified me so we could (electronically) slap him around like the b1tch he is and out him to his very Morman family.


You still have to use every tool at your diposal to prove to your self that there are no affairs going on.

Here is a link to ponder.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By WonderHow
> Am I looking at everything through A colored glasses?
> ________________________________________
> My W had an A a little over a year ago. Since then she has done a ton of work to become a better person, dealing with lots of FOO issues, etc, etc. The model wayward, if you will.
> ...




Far be it for me to defend a WS but what else could she do to help you?

*You seem to be looking for something so that you can get out of the marriage. Am I reading you wrong?*


> Am I looking at everything through A colored glasses?


If they are not colored I think they are fogged up a bit with hurt and suspicion.

You do not have any thing concrete that says your wife is a serial cheater. Actually you have one year of proof to the opposite.

I do not blame you one bit for your position it is just that I think you can do yourself a favor by ignoring the 17 year, maybe yes, maybe no ordeal.

Your wife has proven herself for one year and that is a good start. Can you stay put for another year or two and watch? Do not questions her on everything just watch and realize that you are very suspicious. Do not be in a hurry to make such as major decision for your family based on suspicion and hurt. If you get concrete evidence that she is a sorry aZZ woman then dump her like a dump truck dumps garbage. 

I have read on this forum that it takes around 5 years for an affair R to be really meaningful. Sorry for the bad news but I do not think that one year of being a model wayward is going to build your trust up or reduce the hurt enough for you to be secure.


*However, by what you wrote so far you a do not seem to have any concrete reasons to stop the R and put the nails in the coffin of your marriage. Do You?*


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *However, by what you wrote so far you a do not seem to have any concrete reasons to stop the R and put the nails in the coffin of your marriage. Do You?*


No, in fact quite the opposite based on everything she's done the last year. 

My problem is that I just feel really, really detached from my marriage. I am not really in pain but I still find myself thinking about what happened everyday. Not so much about the physical part but more about her whole disgusting behavior and how she treated her family. 

Part of my obsession with what happened many years ago has tons to do with a continuation of lies than anything else. She also made a very similar comment about this incident that she did with the A I know about and it just leaves me suspicious but maybe I should just let it go. 

I'll give the poly some more thought. I know they are complete BS and she does as well but maybe the small amount of doubt she had about their accuracy would lead to any last minute nuggets of information.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Regarding how she acted, how much reading have you done about affair fog and stuff like that? PEA chemicals? Limerence?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Hey WonderHow. As pointed out previously, your current situation and mine are quite similar. I'm with Blunt on this one. A situation 17 years ago before you were even married should be let go, for your own health and sanity. You've got more than enough on your plate dealing with the last year-plus.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Polygraph

She'll either fess up to everything beforehand or she have a lot of 'splain to do ricky!


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

turnera said:


> Regarding how she acted, how much reading have you done about affair fog and stuff like that? PEA chemicals? Limerence?


Yeah I've read all about that. It was more a comment that she made to try and cover her tracks. On the first d-day when she was trying to convince me she just kissed the guy, she made a comment along the lines of "I wish you could just call his friends [who lived in the out-of-town place where they hooked up] and verify with them that he stayed at their place" (he actually shared a very, very expensive hotel with her). About the incident 17 years ago, she said "I wish you could just call him and ask him about what happened". It's just one of those things that I feel like I may be reading too much into. Coincidence or not? I don't know.

As for letting it go, I just don't see me being able to do that. I guess I doubt everything at this point.

Coincidentally, she offered to take the poly again yesterday (obviously more to that story). I'm still reconsidering it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go ahead and do it. Just get it out of the way. Even if she were to pass it, doesn't mean you then are stuck with her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> Go ahead and do it. Just get it out of the way. Even if she were to pass it, doesn't mean you then are stuck with her.


No brainer, just do it. Cut as many possibilities out as you can.


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