# Introducing Myself



## KAR70 (7 mo ago)

This is my first post and would like to say hello. I’m really hoping I can find some individuals in similar situations to me and gather some advice, information and encouragement.

I’ve been separated for almost seven years (I know that’s way too long). Just a few days ago my husband asked to move forward with divorce. After seven years I already feel divorced so this is just a legality now. Today, he told me he has been seeing someone for a few months and plans to introduce our children to her next weekend. I’m having a difficult time with this because I’m worried they will like her more than me. I’m hoping this is a natural feeling in all this and that it will eventually subside, but for now it’s my biggest fear. I love my children beyond words and have a wonderful relationship with them, but I’m worried I’ll have to compete with younger and the fact that she’s racially like them.

Well, thank you to anyone who reads this. I truly welcome your thoughts and words of wisdom.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

KAR70 said:


> This is my first post and would like to say hello. I’m really hoping I can find some individuals in similar situations to me and gather some advice, information and encouragement.
> 
> I’ve been separated for almost seven years (I know that’s way too long). Just a few days ago my husband asked to move forward with divorce. After seven years I already feel divorced so this is just a legality now. Today, he told me he has been seeing someone for a few months and plans to introduce our children to her next weekend. I’m having a difficult time with this because I’m worried they will like her more than me. I’m hoping this is a natural feeling in all this and that it will eventually subside, but for now it’s my biggest fear. I love my children beyond words and have a wonderful relationship with them, but I’m worried I’ll have to compete with younger and the fact that she’s racially like them.
> 
> Well, thank you to anyone who reads this. I truly welcome your thoughts and words of wisdom.


It's far more likely that they will hate her or have no feelings either way than like her more than you. You are their mom and always will be, no one can replace you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hi and welcome. It's good that you will finally be legally divorced after all this time. 
No they won't like her more than you, you are their mum. Why would they care if she is younger? 
It will be positive if they can get on with her of course assuming they live there some of the time. 
How old are they?


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## KAR70 (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Hi and welcome. It's good that you will finally be legally divorced after all this time.
> No they won't like her more than you, you are their mum. Why would they care if she is younger?
> It will be positive if they can get on with her of course assuming they live there some of the time.
> How old are they?


Thank you for the welcome. Of course I hope they will get along with her. I think this is difficult for me because my children are adopted and I my son’s birth mother had legal visits. It’s very hard to be their mother and have to share them…be it with a birth mother or possible future mother figure…if that makes any sense. They are 12 and 14.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does their birth mother still see them? 
Remember though, it's you who bought them up and were their real mum no matter what. Plus you said you have a great relationship with them and that will hold you and them close.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@KAR70 have you thought about counselling for your fears?


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

My advice? No matter what stay neutral in front of them. My daughter came home at first after her dad started dating someone saying "she is so much fun!". Most of our time together was me listening to her talk about 'dads gf' lol. I would fight hard to stay neutral. It hurt. I felt replaced. But...the newness wore off, now she hardly talks about her. They'll still love you, even if at times it doesn't feel like it.


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## GG1061 (Apr 20, 2021)

KAR70 said:


> Thank you for the welcome. Of course I hope they will get along with her. I think this is difficult for me because my children are adopted and I my son’s birth mother had legal visits. It’s very hard to be their mother and have to share them…be it with a birth mother or possible future mother figure…if that makes any sense. They are 12 and 14.


 solid 
If their relationship with your ex is solid much of the acceptance and "going along with the program" is out of loyalty to him, not her. They will act to protect themselves by maintaining peace and preserving stability in their lives. If she is decent and becomes a positive in their lives their respect may grow over time but that will have to be earned. Please do not interpret their acceptance of the situation to be a reflection on you or that their love for you is diminished in any true sense. 

My children never expressed their feelings for step-dad to me and I never tried to pry or cause trouble. It wasn't until my ex and the step-dad divorced that their feelings came out and it wasn't good. Their resentment toward him was significant and my ex's agenda of trying to replace me as their father played a part. They were trying to find solid footing in their life and judged, based on the dynamic with their mother, that going along to get along was the safest course for them. My children were and yours will soon be trying to navigate something that doesn't feel natural for them. Be there to support them. Encourage them to express how they're feeling about the situation without any sense of self-serving. This will help to secure their view of you as their mother.


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