# Wife



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

*hello friends , long story short I wasted 20 years of not taking good care of my beautiful wife , I focus too much on raising our kids . And I have cheated on her at least 3 times , she found out about 10 years ago we almost divorced but she only found out about 1 , aanyways fast forward till 4 months ago , she tells me that she still loves me , and she hasn't changed with me continues to be my good wife but she's 44 now n still looks good she mention to me she wants to have fun with other guys but she tells me it's only sex ..at the end she not looking for love or anything just sex but at the end I'm her soul mate, I try talking to her but she responds,,you are the least person to tell me anything you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander………


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Moenia90 said:


> *hello friends , long story short I wasted 20 years of not taking good care of my beautiful wife , I focus too much on raising our kids . And I have cheated on her at least 3 times , she found out about 10 years ago we almost divorced but she only found out about 1 , aanyways fast forward till 4 months ago , she tells me that she still loves me , and she hasn't changed with me continues to be my good wife but she's 44 now n still looks good she mention to me she wants to have fun with other guys but she tells me it's only sex ..at the end she not looking for love or anything just sex but at the end I'm her soul mate, I try talking to her but she responds,,you are the least person to tell me anything you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


It was long gone the first tome you cheated, you were just too focused on yourself that you didn’t see it then, or the second time, or the third time. 
Cut her some slack, she’s got a lot of catching up to do.

Yep, it’s toast.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I hope your wife has fun.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

This means she isn’t into you anymore. It also means she thinks she deserves some action outside the marriage.
Likely due to your cheating. I’m sure she knows about more than the one you told her about.
You must think she’s stupid. You also don’t respect her - so yep, the marriage was over long ago when you disrespected and disregarded her.
She’s just realizing she’s wasted a lot of years with you.

and quit fooling yourself by saying you focused too much on the kids - you focused too much on cheating and thinking foolishly you’d gotten away with it.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is there some one in particular that she wants to try out? Has she already picked out a partner? My bet is that she has already started and is preparing you for what is going to be your hellish life going forward.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cheating on her at least 3 times(at least? Can't you remember how many times?)
really ended the marriage. The fact that you are still deceiving her by not telling her how many times you cheated is just plain wrong. 
I would just end this farce of a marriage and let her move on. 
The problem isn't spending too much time with the children, the problem is you being unfaithful.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Is there some one in particular that she wants to try out? Has she already picked out a partner? My bet is that she has already started and is preparing you for what is going to be your hellish life going forward.


Hers has probably been hellish after he cheated. He hasn't even had the decency to tell her how many times it happened.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

she said she still loves you , so all she seems to be talking about is to feel what it is like to expenance sex with other men, the big question here is why what does she hope to experance from other men that she has not from you,

yes she has forgiven you for your past but she will never forget them. She is not holding it over you and I don’t think she wants to experience sex with others has much to do with your history .


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> she said she still loves you , so all she seems to be talking about is to feel what it is like to expenance sex with other men, the big question here is why what does she hope to experance from other men that she has not from you,
> 
> yes she has forgiven you for your past but she will never forget them. She is not holding it over you and I don’t think she wants to experience sex with others has much to do with your history .


She has forgiven him for the one affair, she doesn't know about the others.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Damn, I've been eating a lot of popcorn around this place lately...


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Moenia90 If you hadn’t cheated on your wife and she said these things, I’d say your wife was not into you and your marriage is over.

But you did cheat on her and continue lying to her. So I’ll say your wife is not into you and your marriage is over. And you deserve it.

You broke your marriage and never fixed it. Give your wife her freedom and divorce her.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Toast….


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

before you start to open up your marriage, you need to have trust and openness between you in your marriage and love life,

if this is good and you have gotten back into a good place with your wife after making mistakes in the past , it is only you that can know if your couple is strong enough to step into an open marriage or not

there are people that think swinging will fix a bad marriage but that is not the case, you have to ask yourself if you love your wife and if you can be happy with given her the freedom you enjoyed without her concent before, yes it is a bit two sided to now take the high ground and are you seeing your wife now as a super woman when you might be in fear of her walking away,

I would advise to look up *Ethical* *non*-*monogamy together *


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What do you expect? You don’t love your wife. If you didn’t you wouldn’t cheat. You can’t have it both ways. Get ready to feel like ****.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Sounds like she is test driving other guys until she finds one she likes.... You are like a car to her right now. You are old, high mileage, and showing signs of failure. However, you are still useful until she trades you in for the one she likes.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> And I have cheated on her at least 3 times


What does this mean? Have you forgotten how many other women you were with? How many women and how many times/how many months with each one?

You opened the marriage unilaterally at least a decade ago. Understandable that at 44 your wife, having an awakening from perimenopause want to sample the fun with others, just like you did. 



Moenia90 said:


> I try talking to her but she responds,,*you are the least person to tell me anything* you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...*it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


Yes, your marriage if not gone is on its way out. You can maybe have an open "marriage" until she finds some guy who she bonds with emotionally. She says its "just sex" and for now it is, but once she finds "the one", you are in her rearview mirror. So get used to the new reality and plan the rest of your life accordingly.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Maybe she will let you watch.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You have no say in this, OP. I think you should consider yourself lucky that your wife is even staying with you.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Your wife is starting the monkey branch to find your replacement.
She will find someone who makes her toes tingle and you'll be gone.
Count on it.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Maybe she will let you watch.


Must confess I cannot understand a man being ok to watch another rail his wife. Seem to be a lot of threads in this vein recently. But not this one. OP knows the crop he planted years ago is bearing bitter fruit, I didn’t see him write that he was ok watching. He needs to get his ducks in a row to divorce. How could he ever safely continue to have sex with his wife ? STD galore.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Must confess I cannot understand a man being ok to watch another rail his wife. Seem to be a lot of threads in this vein recently. But not this one. OP knows the crop he planted years ago is bearing bitter fruit, I didn’t see him write that he was ok watching. He needs to get his ducks in a row to divorce. How could he ever safely continue to have sex with his wife ? STD galore.


he was not thinking of STDs when he was playing with others , and it is the cheater that runs the biggest risk of STD and not the ones in a well thought out planned open relationship


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

It's this menopause midlife crisis ir what ? I understand I made mistakes in our marriage. I have told her let's divorce she works our kids still live at home there both 18 I don't know if it is that I pay the rent ..She keeps saying it non stop ..that she's not looking for my replacement or love that if she wanted too she could leave me long time Ago .and that she has 1000 reasons to do it but she won't cause still loves Me ..then I reply if you love Me you wouldn't look to meet other guys ..she says it's just having fun..Lately she doubt ne when I tell her how beautiful she looks also about her body ..I tell her you still look good but this is so stupid I don't get it ..I CAN TELL HER YOU STILL LOOK GOOD NUDE BUT REPLIES I NEED HEAR that from other guys to believe Wtf??


Beach123 said:


> This means she isn’t into you anymore. It also means she thinks she deserves some action outside the marriage.
> Likely due to your cheating. I’m sure she knows about more than the one you told her about.
> You must think she’s stupid. You also don’t respect her - so yep, the marriage was over long ago when you disrespected and disregarded her.
> She’s just realizing she’s wasted a lot of years with you.
> ...


She's been telling me about this guy from work that it's hitting on her , but still have not been out with him or anything..she claims that ones she does start it be her way n when she decides to be with him ..that she will control the situations..also when it happens this will ruined us forever I think I don't know how am going to take this feeling


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Your wife is starting the monkey branch to find your replacement.
> She will find someone who makes her toes tingle and you'll be gone.
> Count on it.


She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Moenia90 said:


> I tell her you still look good but this is so stupid I don't get it ..I CAN TELL HER YOU STILL LOOK GOOD NUDE BUT REPLIES I NEED HEAR that from other guys to believe Wtf??


You're a liar and you continue to lie to her every single day, why should she believe a word that comes out of your mouth?


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You are in no place to be put out about this. You did far worse.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Moenia90 said:


> She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


The same way you whoring around helped the marriage. It won't.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You say you don't know how you'll "take this feeling".

This is with your wife NOT lying to you.

Just imagine what it must have felt like for her while you had 3 affairs behind her back. Think about just how many lies you had to tell her in order to have your sex on the side. Imagine what that feels like. 

Always so easy to go after what you want because you don't feel the pain you cause in others..... but when the shoe is on the other foot? Oh no.... I don't know how to "take this feeling". 


My suggestion? LEARN how to take this feeling. You've earned it.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


Maybe, but that's what will happen.

Do you think she wants other guys because she's so over the top happy in love with you?

Nope.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You said you've cheated on her with three women, but how many times have you actually had sex with these three? When she has had sex with other men that many times (it doesn't matter how many men) then you can start keeping score.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

C'mon people. it seems to me that all of you are OK with what she wants to do just because he previously cheated on her???? baffling.

OP, the fact that you cheated is not excused for her to "now" want to try other men. If she didn't really forgive you, then that's her problem and the marriage should just be ended.

What you need to do is gather your self respect and your dignity, and stop acting pathetic and weak, by acting like you don't know what to do. Opening the marriage when the marriage itself is in shaking grounds is the worst that you can do. You MUST confront your wife and give her an ultimatum: a monogamous marriage or divorce, and follow through. As a matter of fact if my wife were to say those words to me the first thing i would do is to actually serve her with divorce papers. That's too much disrespect for anyone that has self respect and dignity. Procced weakly and meekly at your own risk.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Just imagine what it must have felt like for her while you had 3 affairs behind her back.


He said AT LEAST. When I asked him how many and how long he didnt answer. Another question would be when did he stop. Cheaters minimize, so I will guess he was with 6 different women over space of as many years, together with each every week. So he was very busy.

Once his wife gets active she will be way busier than he will be and much more in demand. She will have her pick of the crop. OP had his fun, will be tough for him to attract other women.

The guy at work is just waiting for her yes.
‘


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Moenia90 said:


> the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


It will help it in the same way that your sleeping around, bonded and helped your relationship.

That said, I still hope she has a terrific time.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The marriage ended when the OP slept with another woman. Everything since then has just been a waste of his wife’s life.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


How did your sleeping around help the relationship?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> He said AT LEAST. When I asked him how many and how long he didnt answer. Another question would be when did he stop. Cheaters minimize, so I will guess he was with 6 different women over space of as many years, together with each every week. So he was very busy.


@Rus47, it doesn't really matters. One time, a million times, all it matters is that supposedly the wife's forgave him. If he doesn't want to now open the marriage, he's in his right not to do it, regardless of what he did in the past. What his wife is trying to do is ********. I wouldn't put up with it.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> C'mon people. it seems to me that all of you are OK with what she wants to do just because he previously cheated on her???? baffling.


I’m okay with it, to even the score.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> C'mon people. it seems to me that all of you are OK with what she wants to do just because he previously cheated on her???? baffling.
> 
> OP, the fact that you cheated is not excused for her to "now" want to try other men. If she didn't really forgive you, then that's her problem and the marriage should just be ended.
> 
> What you need to do is gather your self respect and your dignity, and stop acting pathetic and weak, by acting like you don't know what to do. Opening the marriage when the marriage itself is in shaking grounds is the worst that you can do. You MUST confront your wife and give her an ultimatum: a monogamous marriage or divorce, and follow through. As a matter of fact if my wife were to say those words to me the first thing i would do is to actually serve her with divorce papers. That's too much disrespect for anyone that has self respect and dignity. Procced weakly and meekly at your own risk.


You're right that two wrongs don't make a right, revenge affairs won't help, evening the score won't help, etc. If this tale was believable maybe the advice would be different. In fact, when these "my wife wants to bang other dudes" threads start everyone (or close to it) says NO.

As an aside, it's impossible for her to forgive him since he's been lying to her for the last decade and they haven't truly reconciled. Talk about disrespect? He won't even give her the truth of his affairs.


----------



## Lynnsnake (Dec 4, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> *hello friends , long story short I wasted 20 years of not taking good care of my beautiful wife , I focus too much on raising our kids . And I have cheated on her at least 3 times , she found out about 10 years ago we almost divorced but she only found out about 1 , aanyways fast forward till 4 months ago , she tells me that she still loves me , and she hasn't changed with me continues to be my good wife but she's 44 now n still looks good she mention to me she wants to have fun with other guys but she tells me it's only sex ..at the end she not looking for love or anything just sex but at the end I'm her soul mate, I try talking to her but she responds,,you are the least person to tell me anything you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


It’s not all bad. at least she asked permission. Talk it over with her. Does she have anybody picked out for her fun? Let her try it with the understanding that she stops if you want her to stop. At 44 her sex life is on the downhill run. Live a little. You might find it improves your relationship with her. Be careful with birth control. 44 is not too old to get pregnant. Talking from experience .


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Damn, I've been eating a lot of popcorn around this place lately...


There does appear to be a theme playing here these days....


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Personal said:


> I’m okay with it, to even the score.


That's YOU, not him. He doesn't seem to be willing to open up the marriage, regardless of what kind of a piece of **** he is. When you try to even the score, then what's the point in staying in such messed up relationship? I mean, what's the point?


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lynnsnake said:


> At 44 her sex life is on the downhill run.


Not universally true. Speaking from experience.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

your wife needs to feel loved you say you tell her she is good for her age which to me is a put down so if your saying things like that she might need to know other guys even younger guys find her sexy , she wants to feel sexy , some women are only hitting their sexual prime at 44, I know my wife did not find hers till she was even older , 

your lucky she is open to you about what she wants , 
and she feels while she is honest to you in telling you first , she is not asking you if she can or wants your blessing , she is going to sleep with this guy and you know from your past it is not sleeping she is going to be doing 
best thing you can do is make the most of it , you might even get turned on by it


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> That's YOU, not him. He doesn't seem to be willing to open up the marriage, regardless of what kind of a piece of **** he is. When you try to even the score, then what's the point in staying in such messed up relationship? I mean, what's the point?


at least the kids are 18 , the wife stayed with him and now is starting to think about herself , i would expect she put her kids first when she found out the person she married was a cheat


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> That's YOU, not him. He doesn't seem to be willing to open up the marriage, regardless of what kind of a piece of **** he is. When you try to even the score, then what's the point in staying in such messed up relationship? I mean, what's the point?


But Rob,
HE opened the marriage without her knowledge or consent AT LEAST with 3 different people….. she can’t exactly open it now in truth. That cat has long since been out of the bag.

I agree with you that it’s wrong and they should divorce, but I have a hard tone feeling a lot of empathy for the karma bus poster boy here.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sigh. My real advice for this over the top scenario is to give her an amicable divorce.

This is no marriage and no real reconciliation. The marriage damage and false reconciliation do seem to be on you OP as you cheated and then didn't do what was necessary to help your wife and marriage recover.

What she wants is easily as damaging to the marriage as what you did so be intelligent for once and make the healthy choice to end the travesty that your marriage has become.

I've thought about this scenario and if I had a drunken slip (one night stand etc.), I would confess, get professional help and do anything reasonable to help my wife and marriage heal along with altering my life to make sure there would never be a repeat.

I can't even imagine engaging in an affair while sober or continuing one 

If my wife chose to divorce me, I would be amicable and understanding. If she wanted to even the score, I would choose to divorce because that would signal too much damage having been done by my stupidity.

I would give her the same consideration if the roles were reversed.

Your marriage is toast dude. Part as friends.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> your wife needs to feel loved you say you tell her she is good for her age which to me is a put down so if your saying things like that she might need to know other guys even younger guys find her sexy , she wants to feel sexy , some women are only hitting their sexual prime at 44, I know my wife did not find hers till she was even older ,
> 
> your lucky she is open to you about what she wants ,
> and she feels while she is honest to you in telling you first , she is not asking you if she can or wants your blessing , she is going to sleep with this guy and you know from your past it is not sleeping she is going to be doing
> best thing you can do is make the most of it , you might even get turned on by it


LoL! I'm not defending the OP but this advice is truly awful!😆


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lynnsnake said:


> At 44 her sex life is on the downhill run.


I beg to differ. I would bet she is having an awakening. A lot of women’s libido drastically increases from 40 on. So not downhill at all. Have you ever heard of the “cougar”phenomena? They even make movies and TV series about it.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I beg to differ. I would bet she is having an awakening. A lot of women’s libido drastically increases from 40 on. So not downhill at all. Have you ever heard of the “cougar”phenomena? They even make movies and TV series about it.


It’s a real thing. Surprised me.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a real thing. Surprised me.


My wife is mid 70s. Her libido started CLIMBING at 50 and has yet to begin any sort of downward slide. I don’t know the physiological explanation, and realize it isn’t universal.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! I'm not defending the OP but this advice is truly awful!😆


 it is not advice and any advice given on a site like this is worth what you pay for it ,


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Damn, I've been eating a lot of popcorn around this place lately...


Society is surely doomed if that popcorn of yours becomes stale, as it will, if it becomes commonplace.



_N-_


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> My wife is mid 70s. Her libido started CLIMBING at 50 and has yet to begin any sort of downward slide. I don’t know the physiological explanation, and realize it isn’t universal.


 i have found the same to be true


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I mean, what's the point?


The point? mmm..... The following from Khan Noonien Singh, works: "Revenge is a dish best served cold."


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> What you need to do is gather your self respect and your dignity,


He can't remember which woman's panties he left them under.

🤧Here's a hankie for that nosebleed you're gonna get from insisting your wife walk the high road with you. You know the platitude that two wrongs don't make a right and all of that horseshit - they're only uttered by the asshole who blew up the relationship. Typical wayward entitlement.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> best thing you can do is make the most of it , you might even get turned on by it


Well this most certainly is advice regardless and it is awful.😉


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Damn, I've been eating a lot of popcorn around this place lately...


You need to cut back on the salt - you're looking a little bloated.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Personal said:


> The point? mmm..... The following from Khan Noonien Singh, works: "Revenge is a dish best served cold."


Unfortunately for your scenario, it is not being served cold. It's death by a thousand cuts.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Unfortunately for your scenario, it is not being served cold. It's death by a thousand cuts.


The OP has earned it.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> He can't remember which woman's panties he left them under.
> 
> 🤧Here's a hankie for that nosebleed you're gonna get from insisting your wife walk the high road with you. You know the platitude that two wrongs don't make a right and all of that horseshit - they're only uttered by the asshole who blew up the relationship. Typical wayward entitlement.


Bull to that. This is just angry, resentful bias that doesn't justify anything. 

Supposedly she decided to forgive, regardless of the whole true. Now, she can ask or not to go **** other dudes, the relevant part here is that he doesn't want that regardlessof what happened in the past. 

So, my advice is to either be a cuckold, or end the relationship, because I'm sure she will go ahead with it.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I'm sure she will go ahead with it.


Hopefully.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Personal said:


> Hopefully.


 i would not blame her she has bottled it up while the kids were young now she is in her 40 s and sharting to see she can start to change her life


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Moenia90 said:


> She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


It can help her appreciate what she has, regardless that you've behaved badly. She COULD just cheat on you like you did on her, and you'd have no moral ground to stand on - but you could choose divorce if she did. However, I have to wonder if your marriage is strong enough to handle an open relationship, even though in fairness she deserves to explore. It may not be revenge, but it could put you both in balance. If you both agree, then it is very possible that you could work through any issues created by an open relationship; of course, it could also end badly. Like everything, there is a risk/reward analysis you must discuss before going forward.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> i would not blame her she has bottled it up while the kids were young now she is in her 40 s and *sharting* to see she can start to change her life


This typo makes me realize how immature I am


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> It can help her appreciate what she has, regardless that you've behaved badly. She COULD just cheat on you like you did on her, and you'd have no moral ground to stand on - but you could choose divorce if she did. However, I have to wonder if your marriage is strong enough to handle an open relationship, even though in fairness she deserves to explore. It may not be revenge, but it could put you both in balance. If you both agree, then it is very possible that you could work through any issues created by an open relationship; of course, it could also end badly. Like everything, there is a risk/reward analysis you must discuss before going forward.


I ………… disagree.
Opening a marriage is doom. OP already opened it, arriving at where they are today.
Rob1 is right. But OP is the one reaping what he sowed most likely


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Personal said:


> Hopefully.


No need to be hopeful. It will happens. This marriage is and has been over for sometimes, it's just that OP didn't realized it.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Supposedly she decided to forgive, regardless of the whole true.


She can't forgive what she doesn't know. To you the fact that he misled her is tough cookies for her, huh? There are Lemon laws for a reason.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> She can't forgive what she doesn't know. To you the fact that he misled her is tough cookies for her, huh? There are Lemon laws for a reason.


I guess it's only wrong to cheat if you get caught.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I guess it's only wrong to cheat if you get caught.


It is only wrong to step out of the marriage if you are a woman. If you are a man and say "I sorry, I won't do it anymore 🥴 (that you'll know of) then he is returned to a complete state of grace and the little woman would just be a total jerk if she didn't immediately and for all-time forgive him and kiss his ass for staying with her obviously undeserving self.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> It is only wrong to step out of the marriage if you are a woman. If you are a man and say "I sorry, I won't do it anymore 🥴 (that you'll know of) then he is returned to a complete state of grace and the little woman would just be a total jerk if she didn't immediately and for all-time forgive him and kiss his ass for staying with her obviously undeserving self.


Well I mean it's her fault he cheated to begin with, right? Some of us are so ungrateful, we aren't available for kinky sex 24/7 the day after giving birth. I mean, who do we think we are?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I knew, this was going to degenerate into is OK for him to cheat, but it's all her fault crap by the usual suspects.

No need for a crystal ball to see that.

The main point that this marriage was over the moment he cheated is being sidelined. For some reason to many in this board now OP's wife is entitled. The only thing she's entitled is to end the marriage, period.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Well I mean it's her fault he cheated to begin with, right? Some of us are so ungrateful, we aren't available for kinky sex 24/7 the day after giving birth. I mean, who do we think we are?


There are so many things I want to say but not  🤣👍👍 but I get the satire of course.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There are so many things I want to say but not  🤣👍👍 but I get the satire of course.


Everything should be equal, agreed.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


I’m not sure what you’re not getting here.

You got with at least 3 other women and you’re still with her. 

Now she’s in her 40s, the kids are grown, you’ve had your fun, now she wants her’s. 

There may be some nuanced differences between the girls and the boys but we’re still the same species and at the end of the day not all THAT different.

You found other people attractive and wanted to rub up against them and did so.

Now she’s found someone(s) that she’s attracted to and wants to rub up against him(s).

You have a few options here - 

1. You can say “ok fine” and see what happens. Maybe she will leave, and maybe she won’t.

2. You can put your foot down and say absolutely not. Maybe she will comply with your wishes and maybe she won’t. You will have to decide what you will do if she does it anyway. 

3. You can tell her she can screw whoever she wants as long as this other brings another woman to the party that is DTF with you. Maybe she will comply with those parameters and maybe she won’t.

4. You can open the marriage and each of you do as you please. Maybe she will stay with you and maybe she won’t, but at least you will have the option to see what you can scrounge up on the side as well.

5. Divorce now and each of you carry on with your own lives as you see fit. 

Those are your basic options. Each has it’s own set of pros and cons as well as risks and benefits.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> The main point that this marriage was over the moment he cheated is being sidelined. For some reason to many in this board now OP's wife is entitled. The only thing she's entitled is to end the marriage, period.


She's also entitled to negotiate for what she wants in order to stay in the marriage. Then it's up to him to choose, or her to leave if she doesn't get what she wants. At this point, they both have choices and decisions to make.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Everyone knows the marriage was over when he decided to live two lives. He then compounded the damage by lying by omission and essentially stole the next decade of her life for his personal benefit. He treated her as nothing more than his brood mare.

I wouldn't blame her if she brought her dates home and screwed them on the living room couch in front of God and everyone. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. That is as much respect as he has shown her in the marriage.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he has any decency at all he should stop lying about past affairs.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Respect is earned. The OP has earned none. He's been using and humiliating his wife, publicly and on purpose, for a decade.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> It's this menopause midlife crisis ir what ? I understand I made mistakes in our marriage. I have told her let's divorce she works our kids still live at home there both 18 I don't know if it is that I pay the rent ..She keeps saying it non stop ..that she's not looking for my replacement or love that if she wanted too she could leave me long time Ago .and that she has 1000 reasons to do it but she won't cause still loves Me ..then I reply if you love Me you wouldn't look to meet other guys ..she says it's just having fun..Lately she doubt ne when I tell her how beautiful she looks also about her body ..I tell her you still look good but this is so stupid I don't get it ..I CAN TELL HER YOU STILL LOOK GOOD NUDE BUT REPLIES I NEED HEAR that from other guys to believe Wtf??
> 
> She's been telling me about this guy from work that it's hitting on her , but still have not been out with him or anything..she claims that ones she does start it be her way n when she decides to be with him ..that she will control the situations..also when it happens this will ruined us forever I think I don't know how am going to take this feeling


If this is even a true story to begin with, what I am seeing here is she is basically telling it like it without trying to sugar coat it or pamper your ego all that much. 

She’s saying she’s willing to remain married with you if you want, but she wants to bang other dudes for some fun on the side. 

It doesn’t get any simpler than that. 

Your choice in the matter is basically what can you accept and live with and what can you not? 

She’s stated her intentions and other than chaining her up in the basement, there really ain’t nuth’n you can do to stop her from whatever she chooses to do with her own genitalia. 

You only control your actions.

You can accept it and live with it.

You can try to beg and plead and talk her out of it and see what she does.

you can broker and negotiate this into some kind of open marriage arrangement where you can try to see if you can get some strange yourself. 

Or you can opt out and divorce. 

What I see here is she is basically declaring her sexual emancipation and basically giving you notice of it so you can make your own informed decision.

The choice is yours.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> She's also entitled to negotiate for what she wants in order to stay in the marriage. Then it's up to him to choose, or her to leave if she doesn't get what she wants. At this point, they both have choices and decisions to make.


That's correct. They will choose one way or another.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> .Lately she doubt ne when I tell her how beautiful she looks also about her body ..I tell her you still look good but this is so stupid I don't get it ..I CAN TELL HER YOU STILL LOOK GOOD NUDE BUT REPLIES I NEED HEAR that from other guys to believe Wtf??


If she looks so "good" then why did you cheat over and over and over? Of course she doesn't believe you. You've lied for 10 years, everything you say is at best suspect. You cannot be trusted. You're only saying that because you want to sleep around while she sits at home alone.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If she looks so "good" then why did you cheat over and over and over? Of course she doesn't believe you. You've lied for 10 years, everything you say is at best suspect. You cannot be trusted. You're only saying that because you want to sleep around while she sits at home alone.


None of this has anything to do with her looks. 

The OP is just having a little freak out and is grasping at whatever straws he can. 

She’s 40some years old, she’s raised her kids, she’s played the game the church and society wanted her to play and now she wants to have some fun too and she doesn’t really care what he or anyone else thinks.

If she want to leave, she would.

If she wanted to divorce, she would.

If she wanted to sneak off and cheat without saying anything, she would. 

But she’s simply laying it out there that she wants to have her fun and is cool with him still hanging around. 

People are trying to twist this into some kind of complex, convoluted and bizarre situation, but it’s really not. 

It’s just one of many millions of 40 something wives and mothers that have played the good-girl game and raised their families that have now decided their time for some fun is now.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> It’s just one of many millions of 40 something wives and mothers that have played the good-girl game and raised their families that have now decided their time for some fun is now.


This isn't a normal thing that normal women ask for. The OP is a serial cheater. She's asking to sleep around because that's what he's done to her for years. She probably (wrongly) thinks that it will hurt him the way he hurt her and that's why she wants him to know about it. It won't. If you think all women want to sleep around on their faithful husbands, we live in VERY different worlds. This is in no way a normal, average, everyday situation.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> C'mon people. it seems to me that all of you are OK with what she wants to do just because he previously cheated on her???? baffling.
> 
> OP, the fact that you cheated is not excused for her to "now" want to try other men. If she didn't really forgive you, then that's her problem and the marriage should just be ended.
> 
> What you need to do is gather your self respect and your dignity, and stop acting pathetic and weak, by acting like you don't know what to do. Opening the marriage when the marriage itself is in shaking grounds is the worst that you can do. You MUST confront your wife and give her an ultimatum: a monogamous marriage or divorce, and follow through. As a matter of fact if my wife were to say those words to me the first thing i would do is to actually serve her with divorce papers. That's too much disrespect for anyone that has self respect and dignity. Procced weakly and meekly at your own risk.


His options are the same as any husband who has not cheated. 

He can accept it, look the other way, have a hissy fit, threaten divorce, actually divorce, try to open the marriage so he can get some too etc etc. 

his options are no different that if he had been faithful. 

If his prior infidelities have any bearing on this now (which it may not) it is that he has no moral high ground and can’t really use morality or marital fidelity in any argument against her screwing around. 

Basically, he can’t point fingers and say that she’s being naughty. 

He can tell her he’d rather she didn’t.

He can tell her it will hurt his feelings and make him feel insecure.

He can tell her it will disgust him or repulsed that she has other men’s gunk dripping out of her.

He can declare his own sexual emancipation and that he will seek poon elsewhere also.

He can even say he won’t remain married to her and will divorce her if she does it. 

But what he really can’t do is use morality or religious principles as to why she shouldn’t. 

But other than that, he has the same basic rights and options as a faithful man.


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> It can help her appreciate what she has, regardless that you've behaved badly. She COULD just cheat on you like you did on her, and you'd have no moral ground to stand on - but you could choose divorce if she did. However, I have to wonder if your marriage is strong enough to handle an open relationship, even though in fairness she deserves to explore. It may not be revenge, but it could put you both in balance. If you both agree, then it is very possible that you could work through any issues created by an open relationship; of course, it could also end badly. Like everything, there is a risk/reward analysis you must discuss before going forward.


The idea of her coming home after sex with another dude come on I won't take it


oldshirt said:


> I’m not sure what you’re not getting here.
> 
> You got with at least 3 other women and you’re still with her.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what she proposed to me that I can have fun n freedom too. I don't know what's wrong with me I want to leave but the way she treats me so far my wife hasn't changed one bit makes me feel love but when I imagine her getting it when it happens I Boil my blood..I know I cheated on her so it's my punishment? The fact that she be coming home one day and she was tasted by another dude I don't think I cant even see her eyes again I don't know what to do...


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If this is even a true story to begin with, what I am seeing here is she is basically telling it like it without trying to sugar coat it or pamper your ego all that much.
> 
> She’s saying she’s willing to remain married with you if you want, but she wants to bang other dudes for some fun on the side.
> 
> ...


OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This isn't a normal thing that normal women ask for. The OP is a serial cheater. She's asking to sleep around because that's what he's done to her for years. She probably (wrongly) thinks that it will hurt him the way he hurt her and that's why she wants him to know about it. It won't. If you think all women want to sleep around on their faithful husbands, we live in VERY different worlds. This is in no way a normal, average, everyday situation.


You’re presuming she would not be having these feelings or attractions if he hadn’t cheated.

That is probably not accurate - people have attractions and desires all the time.

You’re also asserting that she may be doing this to stick it to him or to hurt him or that this is some kind of payback or revenge. - that may be completely erroneous. She may not want to hurt him at all or exact revenge on him at all.

Maybe she does, I’m not saying it isn’t possible.

What I am saying is his past affairs may or may not have anything to do with this at all. 

If there is any cause-and-effect taking place here, is that he simply cannot judge her not point fingers at her on the grounds of morality or some kind of religious principle. 

If she wants to get down with some other dude, he has no moral grounds to tell her that’s morally wrong. 

She’s laid it out there and told him her intentions and agendas and he can take it or leave it but he can’t point fingers at it. 

His infidelity basically relieved her of the burden of fidelity and monogamy on moral grounds. 

Now it’s all just practicalities and informed decisions. She’s at least offering him something she wasn’t offered.


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This isn't a normal thing that normal women ask for. The OP is a serial cheater. She's asking to sleep around because that's what he's done to her for years. She probably (wrongly) thinks that it will hurt him the way he hurt her and that's why she wants him to know about it. It won't. If you think all women want to sleep around on their faithful husbands, we live in VERY different worlds. This is in no way a normal, average, everyday situation.


OK is she looking sex cause im not enough for her ??


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


That’s an easy one to answer and you have your own example you can use.

You had orgasms with your wife (and you have the kids to prove it) but yet you still wanted to get with at least 3 other women.

So I’m not sure why you’re not understanding that.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Moenia90 said:


> The idea of her coming home after sex with another dude come on I won't take it
> 
> That's exactly what she proposed to me that I can have fun n freedom too. I don't know what's wrong with me I want to leave but the way she treats me so far my wife hasn't changed one bit makes me feel love but when I imagine her getting it when it happens I Boil my blood..I know I cheated on her so it's my punishment? The fact that she be coming home one day and she was tasted by another dude I don't think I cant even see her eyes again I don't know what to do...


It seems you can only deny her proposition and see what happens. She may drop the idea, she may decide to divorce you for your past transgressions, or she may cheat on you like you did on her. You can wait and see, or you can divorce her - you may both be better off doing so.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> OK is she looking sex cause im not enough for her ??


You tell us. Was your wife enough for you? 

If you needed to be with at least three other women, why are you having such a difficult time understanding why she’d want some strange too. 

And let’s keep in mind you wanted strange with a number of years of marriage and we don’t know when the last strange for you was. It may have been last week for all we know. 

But assuming she’s been faithful all along, that means it’s been TWENTY YEARS since she’s had any strange. 

So why are you having such a hard time understanding?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> OK is she looking sex cause im not enough for her ??


She wasn’t enough for you. You should be able to answer that question yourself.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> The idea of her coming home after sex with another dude come on I won't take it


You can take it or leave it. 

She’s leaving whatever you decide to do up to you. 

Your choice.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> I know I cheated on her so it's my punishment?


Maybe she is and maybe she isn’t.

Is she a mean, nasty, vindictive person in general? 

Does she try to get back at people she believes have done her wrong? Does she kick puppies that pee on her rug? 

Does she hold on to grudges and bide her time determining when she will exact her revenge?

If you answered yes to those, then maybe yes, she might be trying to get you back. 

But if she is otherwise a decent, caring warm hearted person that doesn’t intentionally hurt people, then this is likely not motivated by vengeance or trying to get payback and She likely just digs this dude and wants to get it on with him. 

It may not have anything to do with you.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


Probably because she met someone she prefers to have sex with.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> It’s just one of many millions of 40 something wives and mothers that have played the good-girl game and raised their families that have now decided their time for some fun is now.


What percentage of 40 something wives and mothers would you suppose based on your esperience have made that decision?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is in no way a normal, average, everyday situation.


Maybe not in my world or yours. But the longer I live, the more I think have exceeded my "best by" date. I think "normal" and "average" are not at all what we think it is or wish it were.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This all raises some interesting conceptual points. 

If one cheats on their spouse, do they have a right to expect fidelity from their betrayed partner? 

Does a WS have to accept abuse or mistreatment or accept retaliation without recourse? 

Is a WS obligated to allow their partner to get with someone else without recourse? 

Does a WS have a right to try to dissuade or discourage or forbid their BS in getting with someone else? 

Is a WS in their right to terminate a relationship on the basis of infidelity or if they simply cannot in good faith continue a relationship with a partner that is getting with someone else whether openly or on the downlow whether it is rooted in revenge or not? 


Does a WS have a right to feel hurt and angst and distress over their BS getting with someone else?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Moenia90,

I suspect your W, future WW, believes she never got the full truth about the affair and it burned inside of her for years.

I think your best move is write out a timeline for all your affairs with details and confess your dishonesty.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe not in my world or yours. But the longer I live, the more I think have exceeded my "best by" date. I think "normal" and "average" are not at all what we think it is or wish it were.


I don’t think this board is representative of “normal.”😂


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This isn't a normal thing that normal women ask for. The OP is a serial cheater. She's asking to sleep around because that's what he's done to her for years. She probably (wrongly) thinks that it will hurt him the way he hurt her and that's why she wants him to know about it. It won't. If you think all women want to sleep around on their faithful husbands, we live in VERY different worlds. This is in no way a normal, average, everyday situation.





Rus47 said:


> What percentage of 40 something wives and mothers would you suppose based on your esperience have made that decision?


I’m not saying that everyone that reaches those milestones or gets those feelings follow through with action. Most probably don’t. 

But I’d put the percentage of people that feel like it or gets those passing fantasies at some point or another to some degree or another somewhere in the neighborhood of 100%. 

And of the people that say they NEVER do but are just saying to look good or feel good about themselves, I’d put that percentage in the general ballpark area of 100% as well.

But to bring this back to the thread, I think the wife’s feelings and desires are normal. 

What may separate her from the pack is she may no longer feel restricted to strict sexual monogamy with the OP on moral grounds due to his prior history.

In others his history has emboldened her to be more open with her own feelings and desires.

After all, he of all people should understand the feelings of wanting to have some carefree fun and since he waived his right to point fingers on moral grounds, what’s stopping her from at least putting it out there.

Let’s bear in mind she could divorce and walk, yet she says she wants to remain married.

Let’s keep in mind she could hook up with some guy on the way to the grocery store or in a broom closet at work and he would never know. 

But yet she has kind of unabashedly thrown it out there and doesn’t seem to care a whole lot of what he comes back with. 

Her ethics and morality are geared towards being upfront and disclosing her yearnings to him so that he is informed. 

She’s free’d herself from the moral restrictions and moral penalties of her desires. 

It’s all in the nuts and bolts and practicalities for her now. 

She’s thrown it out there. He can take it or leave it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe not in my world or yours. But the longer I live, the more I think have exceeded my "best by" date. I think "normal" and "average" are not at all what we think it is or wish it were.


Very well said.

How we were told the world is and how we were brought up to believe the world should be is often nothing like what it really is.

Especially when it comes to the sexuality of married women.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> This all raises some interesting conceptual points.
> 
> If one cheats on their spouse, do they have a right to expect fidelity from their betrayed partner?
> 
> ...


It's kind of irrelevant, isn't it? It's what we can negotiate or agree on - OR, get away with. Everyone can do what they want, really; it's only a good relationship when you_ both_ care what each other wants and try to make it happen for them.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t think this board is representative of “normal.”😂


I wasn't actually talking about this board. I was talking about people I interact with IRL and those holding forth on the tube or in the newspaper. There was a Sci Fi novel called "Stranger in a Strange Land" that about fits. Maybe I am really from Mars


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

🙄 Open marriages are never going to be the norm. That I am not interested in participating in them and that I believe that fidelity is not an unrealistic expectation in marriage does not mean I am “past my ‘best by’ date.” 🙄 All of this is just justifying infidelity. It’s tiresome.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I wasn't actually talking about this board. I was talking about people I interact with IRL and those holding forth on the tube or in the newspaper. There was a Sci Fi novel called "Stranger in a Strange Land" that about fits. Maybe I am really from Mars


This may be a different issue. 😉🤪😂😂😂


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> She’s free’d herself from the moral restrictions and moral penalties of her desires.
> 
> It’s all in the nuts and bolts and practicalities for her now.
> 
> She’s thrown it out there. He can take it or leave it.


Lemme condense that post down into a more bite-sized morsel.

If his affairs have any bearing on the current situation (which in reality it may not) it’s probably not really revenge or payback or vengeance at all, but rather since he’s been a snake in the grass, she no longer needs to play the role of the dutiful, virtuous little wifey that has no sexual s desires of her own except for hearth and home.

She doesn’t have to play the virtuous and sexless good girl with him because she knows he not a virtuous or sexless man. 

He liked to get some strange but still paid the bills so now she’s not hiding the fact that she wants some too… and she figuring he’ll keep paying the bills so why hide it. 

At least she’s being honest and upfront about it.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m sorry, dude, your fantasy that all women really DO want open marriages just isn’t true. Smart money says she hates this guy for ruining her life (deservedly so) and is monkey branching.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m sorry, dude, your fantasy that all women really DO want open marriages just isn’t true. Smart money says she hates this guy for ruining her life (deservedly so) and is monkey branching.


Don’t put words in people’s keyboards. I didn’t say anything about women wanting open marriages. 

Most people DON’T want actual open marriages. 

I said people have feelings and desires and the the OP’s wife’s feelings and desires aren’t all that unusual.

Most people just simply don’t act on them or bring them up for open discussion with their partner.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Smart money says she hates this guy for ruining her life (deservedly so) and is monkey branching.


If that were the case, she’d likely just monkey branch and go. 

If she really hated him, she’d tell him she was moving in with new man with the much bigger schlong as she was walking out the door.

She wouldn’t try to get is buy in.


----------



## yasminesamouna55 (7 mo ago)

Moenia90 said:


> *hello friends , long story short I wasted 20 years of not taking good care of my beautiful wife , I focus too much on raising our kids . And I have cheated on her at least 3 times , she found out about 10 years ago we almost divorced but she only found out about 1 , aanyways fast forward till 4 months ago , she tells me that she still loves me , and she hasn't changed with me continues to be my good wife but she's 44 now n still looks good she mention to me she wants to have fun with other guys but she tells me it's only sex ..at the end she not looking for love or anything just sex but at the end I'm her soul mate, I try talking to her but she responds,,you are the least person to tell me anything you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


 Well, say by to your mariage


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

yasminesamouna55 said:


> Well, say by to your mariage


You forgot the letter ‘e’.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


And I assume you orgasmed when you were with her. But still you had sex with others.

My guess is she WAS satisfied with you until she found out you had affairs. Now she feels unloved and unsatisfied and wants to see what else is out there. 

She may just want to punish you.

She may just want to feel like she's enough, desired and wanted. You stopped making her feel that when you had an affair.

No she hasn't forgiven you. No opening the marriage will not improve it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She's not asking.

She's turning in her Hall Pass.

Karma is a B


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If that were the case, she’d likely just monkey branch and go.
> 
> If she really hated him, she’d tell him she was moving in with new man with the much bigger schlong as she was walking out the door.
> 
> She wouldn’t try to get is buy in.


In my opinion, and it’s just my opinion because I don’t know her but I am actually a woman who thinks cheating is wrong, she doesn’t want his buy in. She certainly doesn’t need it, she owes him nothing. I don’t think she really wants to sleep around. I think she hates his guts for ruining her life and she’s afraid to divorce him because her self esteem is destroyed by his cheating. She feels like she is ugly and worthless because his actions told her that she is. He’s a serial, unrepentant cheater who is very likely still cheating, and she feels like garbage and hates him and herself. She’s lashing out, I think. But that is only my opinion based on my own perspective. She’s miserable and scared and lonely and heartbroken and he does not care. That’s not my opinion, that’s evident from his posts. She means nothing to him and she knows it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> In my opinion, and it’s just my opinion because I don’t know her but I am actually a woman who thinks cheating is wrong, she doesn’t want his buy in. She certainly doesn’t need it, she owes him nothing. I don’t think she really wants to sleep around. I think she hates his guts for ruining her life and she’s afraid to divorce him because her self esteem is destroyed by his cheating. She feels like she is ugly and worthless because his actions told her that she is. He’s a serial, unrepentant cheater who is very likely still cheating, and she feels like garbage and hates him and herself. She’s lashing out, I think. But that is only my opinion based on my own perspective. She’s miserable and scared and lonely and heartbroken and he does not care. That’s not my opinion, that’s evident from his posts. She means nothing to him and she knows it.


All of us view these situations through our prisms of our own perspective and experiences.

You see this as a woman being hateful and vengeful and wanting to hurt someone that hurt her 10 years earlier by screwing some guy she doesn’t even like. 

I see it as a woman who has sucked it up for decades in order to keep the family fed with a roof over their heads until the kids are grown and now has no reason to continue to suppress and deny her own desires and now wants to some fun and adventure herself and feels no reason to hide it from him since he’s already shown his character and had his fun.

We often see the world, not as it is, but see it as we are.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> All of us view these situations through our prisms of our own perspective and experiences.
> 
> You see this as a woman being hateful and vengeful and wanting to hurt someone that hurt her 10 years earlier by screwing some guy she doesn’t even like.
> 
> ...


Actually I view this the way a woman who would be heartbroken and hurt and humiliated would view it. You view it as the beginning of a Dear Penthouse letter.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Actually I view this the way a woman who would be heartbroken and hurt and humiliated would view it. You view it as the beginning of a Dear Penthouse letter.


Which is better which is worse? 

Viewing women as having their own feelings, wants and desires? 

Or as hateful, spiteful and vengeful ?

Plus we have to keep in mind this is 10 years after. If she was doing this the week after finding out about his affair, that would be one thing. 

But 10 years later? If she's been plotting and scheming and grinding her ax for 10 years and now is springing the trap, that is pretty vengeful.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Which is better which is worse?
> 
> Viewing women as having their own feelings, wants and desires?
> 
> ...


You’re both mischaracterizing what I’m saying and working on the assumption that women view sex the way men do. As a meaningless physical release with no emotional component. You’re not viewing her as a human with feelings, you’re viewing her as a sex object. It’s insulting how transparently you pretend to care about her when this is about YOU and your fantasy that group sex and anonymous sex is something women want.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m sorry, dude, your fantasy that all women really DO want open marriages just isn’t true. Smart money says she hates this guy for ruining her life (deservedly so) and is monkey branching.


It's far far from true.100% of married women at some point want an open marriage? Complete nonsense.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's far far from true.100% of married women at some point want an open marriage? Complete nonsense.


That poor woman is so beaten down and broken from his constant betrayals and selfishness. She should leave him. She’s probably too afraid.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That poor woman is so beaten down and broken from his constant betrayals and selfishness. She should leave him. She’s probably too afraid.


She apparently only knows about one because he is a liar and deceiver. The least he can do is tell her the truth if he is any sort of man.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> She apparently only knows about one because he is a liar and deceiver. The least he can do is tell her the truth if he is any sort of man.


If he was any sort of man he wouldn’t have cheated to begin with. He’s been callously using and humiliating her with zero regard for her for decades.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Monkey branching


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re both mischaracterizing what I’m saying and working on the assumption that women view sex the way men do. As a meaningless physical release with no emotional component. You’re not viewing her as a human with feelings, you’re viewing her as a sex object. It’s insulting how transparently you pretend to care about her when this is about YOU and your fantasy that group sex and anonymous sex is something women want.


I don't know where you are getting that at all because quite to the contrary I AM viewing her as a human with feelings and wants and desires and her own agency. 

You're the one that's seeing her as vengeful and spiteful and acting out of hate and vengeance.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Moenia90 said:


> She claims she's not looking for replacement or anything the thing is how will sleeping around bond or help our relationship


Even though you f’d up. You have the right to tell her she isn’t going to do this as your wife. If this is what she wants then she can leave and start a divorce.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I don't know where you are getting that at all because quite to the contrary I AM viewing her as a human with feelings and wants and desires and her own agency.
> 
> You're the one that's seeing her as vengeful and spiteful and acting out of hate and vengeance.


No. No I’m not. You’re putting words in my keyboard and you’re creating your own fantasy about sex with this poor woman.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


.
OK, going back to OP. Dude, if you're not OK, and can't accept what your wife is proposing, then why do you want to understand the reason why she wants to **** other dudes (think of sloppy seconds)? Would it help in what way?

Right now your only concern should be if you're willing or not to accept what she wants. That's where your mind should be right now. Forget for a moment the reason why that might be and/or any other noise you might be reading here.

Are you willing?
Are you willing to see her come back home well ****ed by another dude?
Are you willing to take sloppy seconds (that's a possibility)?
Are you willing to touch her after another dude did whatever with her body? Willing to kiss her?

If you are willing then, no problem do what you must and live with it and the consequences, just as you are living the consequences of what you did years ago.

If you're not willing to be a swinger, cuckold, live in an open marriage then, all you can do is divorce her, because I doubt that she's will not do it. I think that she will. Cat's out of the bag now.

That's it.

Now, make your move. Be proactive and in control of the situation whichever way you roll or fold.
If it were me, I would divorce, but I'm not you. You do you. Just don't be weak and pathetic. Nothing else to say.

Good luck


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> . You’re objectifying her for your own pleasure


huh???? Now Now you're just sounding weird and creepy. I'm out. Have a nice night.


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not saying that everyone that reaches those milestones or gets those feelings follow through with action. Most probably don’t.
> 
> But I’d put the percentage of people that feel like it or gets those passing fantasies at some point or another to some degree or another somewhere in the neighborhood of 100%.
> 
> ...


Wow 👌 excellent opinion I love it ..so your right she has told me before! In her words I have more reasons to leave you then to stay with you ! But here am sticking up with you good n bad times , she doesn't argue with Me about My past affairs but here is the thing. And I need help !! 😫 She hugs me n tells me straight out ! Let's just have fun go ahead ! Get laid ! That's all I'm going to do your the love of my life I'm just messing around! I'm so confused cause a loving person don't do that ! I know I understand I cheated I know I have no right to point fingers but just seeing her so Sure ! Her words kill Me day by day ..I feel depressed 😔 sad no reasons in life to continue my marriage life I wish I went far away alone my mind is killing me my remorse. The tough of her getting sex kills me and it hasn't even happened yet I can imagine when it does


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> .
> OK, going back to OP. Dude, if you're not OK, and can't accept what your wife is proposing, then why do you want to understand the reason why she wants to **** other dudes (think of sloppy seconds)? Would it help in what way?
> 
> Right now your only concern should be if you're willing or not to accept what she wants. That's where your mind should be right now. Forget for a moment the reason why that might be and/or any other noise you might be reading here.
> ...


Appreciate all your advice you are awesome..this is what I realize the moment she told me that n the fact that she's planning on going out in a near future n meet guys that step 🚶‍♀️ ste took or takes in my mind she don't care what consequences will be when. She returns will I be ok will I leave I can only say ..until that day I will know how i see her n feel about her . That fact that she's been explicitly saying that guys will not stand her hornyness. 😒 kills me ..in my heart I want to leave far far away ..but I see my kids n I can't 😢..I feel like I'm dying inside 💔 I tell her if you love me you won't do this she replies Relax it's just having fun


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not saying that everyone that reaches those milestones or gets those feelings follow through with action. Most probably don’t.
> 
> But I’d put the percentage of people that feel like it or gets those passing fantasies at some point or another to some degree or another somewhere in the neighborhood of 100%.
> 
> ...


Explain She’s free’d herself from the moral restrictions and moral penalties of her desires. ??,?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Probably because she met someone she prefers to have sex with.


 very good point , the OP said they love each other , 
I would debate this as more often after they spent 20 odd years together got through 20 years of life and al it dumped on them and add into the mix his cheating which she knows some of and he can't even be honest to us on how many times and how many women (I take it was with only women in todays world you never know )
saying they are in love is a big thing I would expect they are good together like room mates more like Friends 20 years on 

SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX 
because she met someone she wants to have sex with 
WHAT is SEX 
SEX is broken down into many things it is a act of love but often it is many other things 
and to know what it is to the other part you just don't know , 
but a big part of SEX is *foreplay* 
and Foreplay IS EVERYTHING both people have done for each other since the last time you made love 
most men will say I don't understand why my woman does not want sex anymore I even give her foreplay thinking it is just the one kiss he gave her before he dropped his boxers and poked his **** and begged her to suck him off,
because the only thing he use for sex ed was one class 40 years ago in school where the teacher showed the class what the sex organs looked like and everyone in the class was giggling or the porn he has looked at on the sly when his woman was out shopping or at work .


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Moenia90 said:


> Wow 👌 excellent opinion I love it ..so your right she has told me before! In her words I have more reasons to leave you then to stay with you ! But here am sticking up with you good n bad times , she doesn't argue with Me about My past affairs but here is the thing. And I need help !! 😫 She hugs me n tells me straight out ! Let's just have fun go ahead ! Get laid ! That's all I'm going to do your the love of my life I'm just messing around! I'm so confused cause a loving person don't do that ! I know I understand I cheated I know I have no right to point fingers but just seeing her so Sure ! Her words kill Me day by day ..I feel depressed 😔 sad no reasons in life to continue my marriage life I wish I went far away alone my mind is killing me my remorse. The tough of her getting sex kills me and it hasn't even happened yet I can imagine when it does


No she doesn't argue with you about your past affairs because she doesn't know about most of them. When are you going to act like a man and tell her the truth?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> that women view sex *the way men do.* As a *meaningless* physical release with no emotional component.


Slight OT. I am a man, and don't view sex as a meaningless physical release. It is instead part of the emotional bonding which is the MAIN component. Maybe for single 20 something men notching their belts with conquests, emotion has nothing to do with it. Because have only been with my wife intimately, I can't speak personally about that. But I think for either gender in a committed monogamous long term relationship the emotional is far more.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

See telling her exactly what you thought when you cheated. Not so fun now is it?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you not just call it a day? Surely you can see that this marriage is over. What ever you did, her screwing other guys is not the right thing. She does not get to decide what you do. She knows you cheated and probably does not care with how many women. Because she wants to do exactly the same and might have ended up doing it even if you had not cheated - your cheating has freed her to do what she has wanted to do for some time (and for all you know, has been doing already). She just wants to see if she can keep you as a partner in this sham of a marriage. There is NO love for you what so ever at this stage so do not fool yourself. You both stand a better chance of happiness apart.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> I'm so confused cause a loving person don't do that ! I know I understand I cheated I know I have no right to point fingers but just seeing her so Sure ! Her words kill Me day by day ..I feel depressed 😔 sad no reasons in life to continue my marriage life I wish I went far away alone my mind is killing me my remorse. The tough of her getting sex kills me and it hasn't even happened yet I can imagine when it does


No reason to be confused. Yes, the bitterness of reggret lasts long after the sweetness of the wrongs we do. But you cant unring a bell. It is what it is. You cant even recall how nany women you screwed. But you will recall every single man your wife does. Best to get some counseling for your sanity IMO.

You have received plenty of good advice about what to do


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Moenia90 I think you need to do your best to step back from this.

It is clear that your wife is going to have sex with other men. Period. She told you this. There's nothing you can do about it. It's going to happen and it's going to happen soon. In all likelihood, it already has happened you just don't know it.

The only thing you can do now is to decide if that's ok or not.

If it is ok, then figure out how deal with the mess of pain & emotions that will come with it. Get into counseling and prepare yourself for the day she leaves you for one of her boyfriends.

If it's not ok then see a lawyer and file for divorce.

I don't really see other options here.
My opinion? It's not ok. File for divorce.
She should have divorced you way back when, but now here we are.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Moenia90 said:


> *hello friends , long story short I wasted 20 years of not taking good care of my beautiful wife , I focus too much on raising our kids . And I have cheated on her at least 3 times , she found out about 10 years ago we almost divorced but she only found out about 1 , aanyways fast forward till 4 months ago , she tells me that she still loves me , and she hasn't changed with me continues to be my good wife but she's 44 now n still looks good she mention to me she wants to have fun with other guys but she tells me it's only sex ..at the end she not looking for love or anything just sex but at the end I'm her soul mate, I try talking to her but she responds,,you are the least person to tell me anything you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


I am going to say what I think is the answer to your actual question (although the perspectives of the other members are very interesting and valuable!)......"is my marriage long gone?"....

I believe that you don't actually have the marriage that you think you have. If you cheated numerous times, you were not invested the way normal people who stay faithful are. Also, when your wife found out, I believe that she also shut down a huge part of her heart from you and her sense of commitment, out of a need to protect herself because she couldn't trust you anymore, so she also stopped being invested in your marriage the way trusting spouses are.

It doesn't sound like either of you healed from your affairs and rebuilt your marriage, especially because you never fully told the truth, and she (correctly) never fully believed you. That means neither of you forgave eachother and reconnected. You both only maintained the appearance of love and commitment...but there was no depth to it, and you both just coasted along since then.

THIS is the result of that -- your wife isn't devoted to you, she probably never regained her sense of security and respect in you, and she has lost alot (if not all) of her attraction to you. I don't think it's revenge on her part, I think she just doesn't feel attached to you and she is curious to be with other men she finds attractive. Your attention isn't enough because YOU damaged your "hero" status to her early on, and she's never felt cherished and safe with you since then.

I believe that your marriage is over, but it's because of what YOU did, not because of what she is doing now. You broke the bond that partners need to be fully invested in eachother, and you never repaired it. Your marriage has been long gone from your first infidelity.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Moenia90 said:


> *I'm so confused cause a loving person don't do that !*





Moenia90 said:


> *I tell her if you love me you won't do this *


So in both these posts you are admitting that YOU didn't love HER when you cheated...do you get that?
Because you can't have it both ways - if this is what you think about how she feels for having sex with other men, then it also must be how YOU felt when having sex with other women.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> It's this menopause midlife crisis ir what ? I understand I made mistakes in our marriage. I have told her let's divorce she works our kids still live at home there both 18 I don't know if it is that I pay the rent ..She keeps saying it non stop ..that she's not looking for my replacement or love that if she wanted too she could leave me long time Ago .and that she has 1000 reasons to do it but she won't cause still loves Me ..then I reply if you love Me you wouldn't look to meet other guys ..she says it's just having fun..Lately she doubt ne when I tell her how beautiful she looks also about her body ..I tell her you still look good but this is so stupid I don't get it ..I CAN TELL HER YOU STILL LOOK GOOD NUDE BUT REPLIES I NEED HEAR that from other guys to believe Wtf??
> 
> She's been telling me about this guy from work that it's hitting on her , but still have not been out with him or anything..she claims that ones she does start it be her way n when she decides to be with him ..that she will control the situations..also when it happens this will ruined us forever I think I don't know how am going to take this feeling


Nope, she is lying and manipulating you so that she can have her cake and eat it too -- just like YOU did before when you had your affairs but wanted to keep her around.
She will be having fun at YOUR expense (like you did with your affairs), and she doesn't love you anymore. She is saying all that to keep you around so she can have her fun and you can pay for everything and she gets to keep her living arrangements -- at least until she finds someone to replace you.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As I said before, she was probably aware that you were cheating when you did. She did not make a big deal of it because it is exactly what she was planning to do (and may have been doing for all you know). Now she thinks she can manipulate you into staying as a partner/provider while she gets to sow her oats. Two wrongs do not make a right and you should get out of this marriage as soon as possible. There is nothing to discuss here!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


Why did you look somewhere else when yo were getting orgasm with her? You reap what you sow.


----------



## Buzlightyear (7 mo ago)

You've kinda dug yourself into this hole unfortunately. You either let her go poly and maybe you can have fun with that also? Or you put your foot down and see what happens, her doing it behind your back or divorce. At least she's telling you see wants that. It's common for poly relationships to come in and out of different partners and get back to one on one once they fizzle out. Might be hard swallowing that down and trying to win her back with someone else in her kitchen. Good luck..


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> OK 👍 but I want to get to understand..Why is she looking for sex somewhere else with me she has orgasms I don't think I have sexual problems..is she satisfied??


Maybe you dont realize there is more to intimacy than an orgasm. I mean either gender can easily give themselves an orgasm alone. She is looking for more than just an orgasm. So her having orgasms with you is like receiving a desert but no main course. So no she isnt satisfied


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Plus, she feels that its now or never that she gets to have the fun she truly wants (has wanted). Your cheating made it easier for her to make it happen. As others are saying this is what she wants but it shouldn't necessarily be what you want unless you want to have fun with it. My own view is that this is not polyamory but just straightforward open marriage stuff here. Except that there is no real marriage to open up, hence the advice to divorce and get out of this.


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

She says she's in her 40s and wasted 20 years with me she sees her self old with me but does not want to waste her last youth


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Can you blame her? You lied and slept around? You don’t deserve her.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It appears that your wife is just as unfaithful as you are. Who really cares at this point if it’s your fault or not?
surely you realize she’s already banging other guys?

Your wife is gonna get plowed by lots of men whether you want her to or not— because she wants to. Just like you did. You didn’t even ask her.

So what’s it gonna be? Sloppy seconds (honestly you won’t even get much of that) until she finds some guy that wants to take her off your hands, or divorce her and try to be a better husband in the future? Someone worth being faithful to.

you really don’t have a choice. It’s going to be a matter of time until she’s gone.

btw, about some this “I love you I just want to play” stuff….. people say things that aren’t true to people they don’t really love in order to keep them around in order to use them.

if she said, “Stevo, I’m really tired of you and can’t wait to lay my coworker, and am looking forward to getting busy with other men, too, but I am hoping my little security blanket and roommate Stevo will hang around and support me so I don't have the full weight of making a living on my shoulders alone until I can find a guy that wants me fill time, I like, and has money.”

you might not like hearing that. It might even make you angry and give you the motivation to send her packing. She wants to do this on her timeline, and at her convenience.

that’s all you are to get, a convenience. Someone that makes her life easier.

I love You! Says a lot of people.
You didn’t love your wife when you were banging multiple other women. She doesn’t love you or she wouldn’t want to bang other men. It’s simple. You want to be with the one you love.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> She says she's in her 40s and wasted 20 years with me she sees her self old with me but does not want to waste her last youth


The affairs were bad enough and caused enough damage,, but this likely goes deeper than just the affairs. 

You’re looking it as a sexual issue and are having trouble grasping why she’s wanting to bang other dudes. But this goes way beyond sex or having some fun on the side.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> She says she's in her 40s and wasted 20 years with me she sees her self old with me but does not want to waste her last youth


Sounds like an increased libido, MLC, and regret for staying with a cheater all rolled into one.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re both mischaracterizing what I’m saying and working on the assumption that women view sex the way men do. As a meaningless physical release with no emotional component. You’re not viewing her as a human with feelings, you’re viewing her as a sex object. It’s insulting how transparently you pretend to care about her when this is about YOU and your fantasy that group sex and anonymous sex is something women want.


Say "some men", not all men are just out to bust a nut.

I was one of the guys getting screwed over, literally, by women out for nothing more than a good time on the 🎠 when I was the one looking for LTR. 

So yes there are infact women out for the anonymous sex and had early GF I broke up with, next weekend went to party and had a train pulled on her with 5 guys from HS baseball team. I guess she wanted to play with them and get her mit on their balls and feel their stiff bats. Either way they all made it to home plate that night. 

Not all men or women are that way.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Moenia90 said:


> Explain She’s free’d herself from the moral restrictions and moral penalties of her desires. ??,?


There will always be moral penalties in the end.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Moenia90 said:


> She says she's in her 40s and wasted 20 years with me she sees her self old with me but does not want to waste her last youth


It sure sounds like her mind is made up.


----------



## twinports4me (7 mo ago)

Moenia90 said:


> *hello friends , long story short I wasted 20 years of not taking good care of my beautiful wife , I focus too much on raising our kids . And I have cheated on her at least 3 times , she found out about 10 years ago we almost divorced but she only found out about 1 , aanyways fast forward till 4 months ago , she tells me that she still loves me , and she hasn't changed with me continues to be my good wife but she's 44 now n still looks good she mention to me she wants to have fun with other guys but she tells me it's only sex ..at the end she not looking for love or anything just sex but at the end I'm her soul mate, I try talking to her but she responds,,you are the least person to tell me anything you have created lots of time behind my back and it kills me I regret it . She claims it's no revenge just wants to try it out ...it's my marriage long gone ?,,??*


give her the green light, sloppy seconds are awesome!


----------



## twinports4me (7 mo ago)

give her the green light, sloppy seconds are awesome!


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> It appears that your wife is just as unfaithful as you are. Who really cares at this point if it’s your fault or not?
> surely you realize she’s already banging other guys?
> 
> Your wife is gonna get plowed by lots of men whether you want her to or not— because she wants to. Just like you did. You didn’t even ask her.
> ...


My gosh you wrote from the ❤ thank you so much ! She tells me am not looking for your replacement but she hasn't been yet with another guy I keep telling her once you start emotions will change you can even start getting attached. She keeps saying I won't who will even love me ? Like this that's all she says she encourages me to do the same


----------



## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I am going to say what I think is the answer to your actual question (although the perspectives of the other members are very interesting and valuable!)......"is my marriage long gone?"....
> 
> I believe that you don't actually have the marriage that you think you have. If you cheated numerous times, you were not invested the way normal people who stay faithful are. Also, when your wife found out, I believe that she also shut down a huge part of her heart from you and her sense of commitment, out of a need to protect herself because she couldn't trust you anymore, so she also stopped being invested in your marriage the way trusting spouses are.
> 
> ...


Amazing 👏


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don’t overthink this. When one’s wife tells them she wants to screw other men, the answer should be perfectly obvious.

You say: I love you and want you to be happy. Here are your walking papers. Now go make yourself happy.

Regardless if someone else thinks you’re collecting dividends on your past investments, you do NOT have to stay with a woman who is banging other dudes. 

So what are your thoughts? Do you want to?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> I am going to say what I think is the answer to your actual question (although the perspectives of the other members are very interesting and valuable!)......"is my marriage long gone?"....
> 
> I believe that you don't actually have the marriage that you think you have. If you cheated numerous times, you were not invested the way normal people who stay faithful are. Also, when your wife found out, *I believe that she also shut down a huge part of her heart from you and her sense of commitment, out of a need to protect herself because she couldn't trust you anymore, so she also stopped being invested in your marriage the way trusting spouses are.*
> 
> ...


Good post, can apply to other relationships too where trust is broken.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

All marriages have certain strengths and certain limitations, certain ways that are highly satisfying for the partners involved, certain ways that are less satisfying,And there are many, many ways that we can address places where one or both partners feels that his or her needs aren’t being fully met. 
Open marriage is becoming more of an option for couples. For many, it's the solution to many of their issues. 

some 20 % of relationships have tried this today and it is growing, this is not for everyone but works for some


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Moenia90 said:


> She keeps saying I won't who will even love me ?


This is sad. Typical feelings of a betrayed person of either gender. She is looking for some validation from other men that she never received from you, trading sex for that validation. A common theme. And she will get plenty of 'validation', men telling her what she craves hearing. The guy at work is already reeling / has reeled her in. Telling her "of course I love you! Lets take off your pants". 

You have built this house brick by brick. Going out screwing other women ( and she knows every time you did so even though you think she doesn't ) sent her the message that she wasn't loved by the one who swore an oath to cherish her. She SAYS she is just out to have fun, but her words don't reflect what is in her heart and mind. 

IMO your wife is emotionally damaged, maybe beyond repair. Maybe she will find someone someday to truly love her. But banging a bunch of random dudes isn't likely to do anything but damage her more severely.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Poor woman. If the OP had any heart at all he would leave. It’s kicking a puppy at this point.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> Explain She’s free’d herself from the moral restrictions and moral penalties of her desires. ??,?


Throughout a given day we are bombarded with a multitude of various desires. They can range from wanting to have sex with a very attractive to person we see to wanting to sleep in and not mess with going to work, to wanting to eat 4 banana splits and frosty shakes to wanting to disembowel the person that cut us off in traffic and gave us the finger. 

What prevents us from actually acting on those flights of fantasy is not necessarily real-world punishments like going to jail or being fired or getting fat, but rather our own conscience and our own moral compass that tells us what is right vs what is wrong. 

As long as we don't get caught, there is no real-world harm in cheating or hooking up with other people. What keeps our pants on and keeps our sexual activities with our own partner is largely our conscience and sense of morality of right vs wrong and wanting to keep ourselves free of the moral implications of scoring with somebody else. And if someone not a sociopath/psychopath/true narcissist, our conscience tries to keep us from hurting those we love. 

So how this applies to you is since you have had multiple affairs during your marriage and have hurt her and caused her to lose faith and esteem and connection with her and since you have no authority on moral grounds to tell her it's wrong to screw other guys, she has no real compulsion on moral grounds to not screw some guy that turns her on. 

It's no longer morally "wrong" for her get with other guys. At this point it is just mechanics and practicalities. 

I believe this is one of the reasons she keeps telling you it's ok since she isn't going to leave you. In her heart and mind, there is no moral barrier keeping out of other men's beds, just the practicalities of normal daily life. As long as she comes home after her hook ups and does the dishes and throws another load of laundry in the wash, no harm no foul. 

In her mind as long as she washes your underwear and doesn't make you pay out any lawyer fees or court costs for a divorce = why should you care? 

Your own emphasis on orgasms highlights this concept. If all you care about is orgasms, then as long as she is willing to continue to give you orgasms and since you seem perfectly capable and willing to get orgasms from various women, then why should you care if she hooks up elsewhere??? 

If you take out the moral component, there is no cost to her hooking up elsewhere.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> This is sad. Typical feelings of a betrayed person of either gender. She is looking for some validation from other men that she never received from you, trading sex for that validation. A common theme. And she will get plenty of 'validation', men telling her what she craves hearing. The guy at work is already reeling / has reeled her in. Telling her "of course I love you! Lets take off your pants".
> 
> You have built this house brick by brick. Going out screwing other women ( and she knows every time you did so even though you think she doesn't ) sent her the message that she wasn't loved by the one who swore an oath to cherish her. She SAYS she is just out to have fun, but her words don't reflect what is in her heart and mind.
> 
> IMO your wife is emotionally damaged, maybe beyond repair. Maybe she will find someone someday to truly love her. But banging a bunch of random dudes isn't likely to do anything but damage her more severely.


very true and all the nice words in the world now out of OP is not going to make her think other than the same if the words are said only as a lead up to sex , a person has to feel loved as I have said foreplay is everything both do and say to/for each other from the last time they made love to the next time, 

another mistake often made is just talking about what they might like to try next time they have sex just and only after sex, much better to talk about it on the way home from work together or from or going to the shops, taken it out of the foreplay after play gives the other person time to think and know it is not set in stone.

WHEN A POSTER COMES ON SAYING he or she cheated we all ways say things like "you made your bed" , or shame on you and "once a cheater all ways a cheater " but cheaters can change and relationships can be better if both are willing


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> She keeps saying I won't who will even love me ?


In a way, this is kind of a manipulation on her part. she is using your own indifference to justify getting with other men. 

She knows you do not love or cherish her so she is using your indifference and lack of esteem for her to basically say "what are worried about? You don't love or want me so why are you afraid someone else will?"


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Poor woman. If the OP had any heart at all he would leave. It’s kicking a puppy at this point.


I think it’s totally wrong to blame the OP for his wife suddenly wanting to screw anything that walks. She could have left him at any time for his infidelity or any other reasons . But ten years later to come up with this? How the heck is HE kicking the puppy?
Wrong is wrong. He was wrong in the past, she’s wrong in the present. 
I do agree he should let her go and divorce her.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> In a way, this is kind of a manipulation on her part. she is using your own indifference to justify getting with other men.
> 
> She knows you do not love or cherish her so she is using your indifference and lack of esteem for her to basically say "what are worried about? You don't love or want me so why are you afraid someone else will?"


Or maybe she’s hoping he will suddenly become jealous and possessive and start loving her. 🥺 Women don’t think about sex the way men do. This isn’t about her wanting to run around, if it were she’d just do it. I think she wants him to stop her, say he wants to fix their marriage, say that she is beautiful and actually mean it. But that won’t happen for her. It’s so cruel.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Moenia90 said:


> My gosh you wrote from the ❤ thank you so much ! She tells me am not looking for your replacement but she hasn't been yet with another guy I keep telling her once you start emotions will change you can even start getting attached. She keeps saying I won't who will even love me ? Like this that's all she says she encourages me to do the same


This is what a prostitute or sugar baby would tell one of her regular clients that doesn't want her to screw anymore other guys. 

She is basically like a sugar baby where you pay her bills and help her with daily housekeeping tasks and she sucks your wiener however often that keeps the bills paid. 

She wants you to keep paying bills and help keep the lawn mowed so she knows she's going to have to keep sucking your wiener now and then - but in the mean time she wants to get out and get with some other people where it isn't a transactional business arrangement and be with some people that will actually enjoy her company and have some actual organic attraction and desire. 

She is basically saying she will come home and suck your wiener in exchange for you paying the bills help around the house, but she wants to get out get with some guys that are actually attracted to her,,, and she's further saying that if that is going to make feel a little bored or lonely while she is out,, you should get out find someone too. 

As the other posters have been trying to tell you since your first post - the heart and soul and emotional component of this marriage are dead. It's just a domestic business arrangement where help with the kids and fix things up around the house and help pay the bills, and in return she sucks your wiener now and then. 

The actual love and emotional connection and cherishment and honor and esteem and the spiritual components of your relationship have long since expired. She's a roommate where you share utility bills and domestic chores and child rearing responsibilities, who occasionally give each other orgasms,,,, but the emotional and spiritual connections that make a couple a husband and wife in the spiritual sense have been long gone for quite some time. 

You are roommates and your roommate is wanting to get out and find some actual desire and connection.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Poor woman. If the OP had any heart at all he would leave. It’s kicking a puppy at this point.





Evinrude58 said:


> I think it’s totally wrong to blame the OP for his wife suddenly wanting to screw anything that walks. She could have left him at any time for his infidelity or any other reasons . But ten years later to come up with this? How the heck is HE kicking the puppy?
> Wrong is wrong. He was wrong in the past, she’s wrong in the present.
> I do agree he should let her go and divorce her.





TexasMom1216 said:


> Or maybe she’s hoping he will suddenly become jealous and possessive and start loving her. 🥺 Women don’t think about sex the way men do. This isn’t about her wanting to run around, if it were she’d just do it. I think she wants him to stop her, say he wants to fix their marriage, say that she is beautiful and actually mean it. But that won’t happen for her. It’s so cruel.


Let's moderate this a bit and come away from the extremes and bring it all closer to the middle ground. 

She's not an innocent victim. She choose to remain in the marriage knowing that he was a philanderer. She could've kicked him out at any time but she chose to stay until the kids were grown. I believe he said she does have a job so it's not that he inprisoned her. 

She could have also gotten with whatever guy(s) she wanted and she could have hooked up on the downlow much more easily than him if she was just wanting to get some side action. 

From his description there is some guy she works with that she likes, so it's not really fair to say that she is, "wanting to screw anything that walks." If she wanted to screw anything that walks, she could have done so on her way to the grocery store without his knowledge, so I don't think it's fair to paint her as some kind of $lut or anything. She's been open and upfront about this so I don't think she should be painted as some kind of monster. 

My personal opinion here is she is simply done playing the role of dutiful wife and mother and wants to get with someone that actually likes her and actually desires her and feel human again, even if she knows it will just be for a short period of time. 

She's not trying to hide it or sneak around. She's not packing bags. She's not trying to seek revenge or intentionally hurt anyone or get any kind of payback or anything. She's not trying to be a swinger or the town ho or anything.

She just doesn't care about what he or the neighbors think anymore. She doesn't care what he does with his junk anymore. 
She just wants to feel human again and laugh and smile and feel alive again and doesn't care about the rest.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or maybe she’s hoping he will suddenly become jealous and possessive and start loving her. 🥺 Women don’t think about sex the way men do. This isn’t about her wanting to run around, if it were she’d just do it*. I think she wants him to stop her, say he wants to fix their marriage, say that she is beautiful and actually mean it.* But that won’t happen for her. It’s so cruel.


I think you’re………..*wrong.*


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Let's moderate this a bit and come away from the extremes and bring it all closer to the middle ground.
> 
> She's not an innocent victim. She choose to remain in the marriage knowing that he was a philanderer. She could've kicked him out at any time but she chose to stay until the kids were grown. I believe he said she does have a job so it's not that he inprisoned her.
> 
> ...


Thinking you’re right about the bold part.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Let's moderate this a bit and come away from the extremes and bring it all closer to the middle ground.
> 
> She's not an innocent victim. She choose to remain in the marriage knowing that he was a philanderer. She could've kicked him out at any time but she chose to stay until the kids were grown. I believe he said she does have a job so it's not that he inprisoned her.
> 
> ...


This is fair. She could have left and stayed for “security” (I will never understand women who do that, it’s not THAT hard to pay bills) and appearances. I also agree that it doesn’t sound like she wants to have orgies or whatever. She just wants to feel loved. What doesn’t make sense to me is why she’s staying with him. I said earlier it’s monkey branching and I stand by that. I disagree with anyone who says the OP deserves to be respected and she owes him fidelity. She owes him nothing. He stole her life and ruined it. On purpose. I wish she were confident enough to just leave.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Moenia90 said:


> My gosh you wrote from the ❤ thank you so much ! She tells me am not looking for your replacement but she hasn't been yet with another guy I keep telling her once you start emotions will change you can even start getting attached. She keeps saying I won't who will even love me ? Like this that's all she says she encourages me to do the same


Your wife doesn't sound well and you don't either honestly.

Could you both get some professional help?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I believe he said she does have a job so it's not that he inprisoned her.


You really need to read what you write. First she's just using him to pay the bills and now she could have kicked him out at any time. Just pick a position and stick with it.

My money is on her wanting to hurt her husband as much as possible for his past behavior and possible current behavior. She doesn't trust him, doesn't like him, doesn't respect him and wants to get him where it hurts the most - his ego. By the way, she doesn't love him either. What is there to love? As a husband, he is a failure.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She just wants to feel loved.


Yeah, right...No, she just want to **** other dudes, that's it. She now feels entitled to it. Wanting to feel love, has nothing to do in this equation.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> You really need to read what you write. First she's just using him to pay the bills and now she could have kicked him out at any time. Just pick a position and stick with it.
> 
> My money is on her wanting to hurt her husband as much as possible for his past behavior and possible current behavior. She doesn't trust him, doesn't like him, doesn't respect him and wants to get him where it hurts the most - his ego. By the way, she doesn't love him either. What is there to love? As a husband, he is a failure.


There are millionaires that are with each other for their combined resources and level of lifestyle that they can reach together as opposed to on their own. Two people combining their incomes and resources can have a higher level of lifestyle and bigger house and newer cars and more motorcycles and boats etc than they would on their own. 

Also if you have two people that are at least effective parents, then it's a whole lot easier raising children together as opposed to being a single parent, so many people choose to stay to raise the kids together even though they may each have their own incomes and resources. 

What having your own income and resources does it makes it so that you CAN leave if you choose to do so. 

That was might point. She COULD have left if she so chose. She chose to remain however and that decision was likely based on those lifestyle and parental factors. 

If she wanted to hurt him out of spite and vengeance, she could have done so in a million different ways over the last 10 years. 

I agree that she likely doesn't love him in the way we typically think of what love is and she likely doesn't respect him in the manner that spouses in a healthy relationship respect their partner. 

But from his descriptions I am not seeing spite or vengeance. I'm seeing someone that simply doesn't care about keeping up appearances or cares about his opinions that much one way or another. 

Spite and vengeance actually take a lot of work and energy (for most people where hate and vengeance don't come naturally) I'm not seeing that level of effort here. I'm just seeing someone that doesn't care about keeping up appearances or cares much about what he thinks. 

Apathy is the more simple explanation that vengeance.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Yeah, right...No, she just want to **** other dudes, that's it. She now feels entitled to it. Wanting to feel love, has nothing to do in this equation.


I disagree. 

simply banging dudes for schlong is the easiest thing in the world to do. A chick can do that behind the Quicky Mart by hitting up the guy getting gas at the pump next to hers. If she was just wanting to hook up with randoms, she could have been doing that all along. 

She may realize this guy at work is not her one true love that she is going to ride off into the sunset with, but I think she is just wanting to feel alive and human again after raising kids with a philanderer all these years and is at a level of disconnect with him to where she doesn't really care what he thinks.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, I don't think she really wants to have sex with other guys. She's had a decade and if she were spiteful she could have pulled that off a long time ago. I think this is a head game she is playing and it appears to be working. ha-ha When he tells her she still looks good at her age and even looks good nude, I can only imagine her stomach turning. 

I don't think the OP realizes how little influence he has with her. She's like "here's a quarter, call someone who gives a ****".


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Yeah, I don't think she really wants to have sex with other guys. She's had a decade and if she were spiteful she could have pulled that off a long time ago. I think this is a head game she is playing and it appears to be working. ha-ha When he tells her she still looks good at her age and even looks good nude, I can only imagine her stomach turning.
> 
> I don't think the OP realizes how little influence he has with her. She's like "here's a quarter, call someone who gives a ****".


WWWHHHHAAAAAAAATTT????????? Does this mean you've actually agreed with me on something??


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

😋


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think you’re………..*wrong.*


I could post the sky was blue and you'd say the same thing, so...


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> WWWHHHHAAAAAAAATTT????????? Does this mean you've actually agreed with me on something??


Shhhhh!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't think the OP realizes how little influence he has with her.


To expand on this a little further - The OP doesn't realize that what he THINKS is important to her and should keep her happy and content, really isn't. 

Several times he has mentioned that she has orgasms and can't understand why she'd want another man. In his mind and worldview she should be a happy fat cat and he can't grasp that she may want other things in life. 

We are probably all guilty of that to one degree or another in that we THINK we know what the other wants and needs (or we assume it) and we do our due diligence to provide that..... but often we fall short of the mark or are just outright wrong.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Shhhhh!


Ok. We'll keep it just between us and our own dirty little secret.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Yeah, right...No, she just want to **** other dudes, that's it. She now feels entitled to it. Wanting to feel love, has nothing to do in this equation.


agreed she is thinking what is good for one is good for the other ,
I would not be suprised if she feels she has little experience and did not as they say play the field when she was young, 
it is the new world we live in and more and more are into open relationships and FWB , bi , trans , the list goes on


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> I would not be suprised if she feels she has little experience and did not as they say play the field when she was young,


Kind of a side note but people just can't win. 

You have all the Red Pill pundits saying if a woman has been with more than "X" number of people, that she is damaged and unable to bond. 

But others saying if she has been with less than "Y" number of dudes, she will will go off the rails and run amok because she hasn't been with enough. 

What's that perfect number someone must have on their resume' in order to be worthy???

I guess I should offer my services to women who have not yet reached that number so they can check off that box and be qualified. 

So ladies, if you are under "Y" number of lovers, contact me so we can update your resume and get you the proper credentialing so you will be able to live your life in contentment. We're in this together and I'm here to help, it's for a just cause!!


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Kind of a side note but people just can't win.
> 
> You have all the Red Pill pundits saying if a woman has been with more than "X" number of people, that she is damaged and unable to bond.
> 
> ...


 true and forums like this are made up of many people with different backgrounds and only know what the op gives us we take that and try and see it through our eyes which is a long way from the mind set of the op wife in this case ,


----------

