# Taken for granted



## KTwo

Hopefully some of you that have been married for a few years can help me. My husband and I are in our 50's and have been married 3 years. We were together for about 3 years before that. Things have been very difficult over the last several years. We both lost our jobs. We left our families behind and moved across the country so that he could get a job. My Dad dies about a year and a half ago and my beloved pet died a few months ago. 

I feel very unimportant to him. He spends most evenings doing things for a service organization. If he is at home then he is sitting at the computer playing poker on-line or sitting in front of the TV. I tell him I want us to be closer and more focused conversations and he says that he is bored without the TV or computer on. 

He says that I am not talking to him in a loving manner. He isn't being particularly loving to me at all and won't listen to me when I ask pleasantly to talk about things or spend more time together. It all builds and when I can't handle being ignored anymore I blow up and then there is silence for a few days and I am accused of not talking in a loving way. Loving seems to mean "able to acknowledge yet ignore." I wind up feeling really bad as if I did something really wrong and ultimatly nothing changes.

I am tired of him coming home, eating and then leaving again or sticking his nose in the computer. Sure I have my own things to do but I don't want our relationship to descend to the point of being roommates with occassional sex. That is what it is beginning to feel like. 

I am sure some of you have been through phases when you felt like you were treated as part of the furniture and the connection was fading. What did you do?


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## chefmaster

You guys have been through some tough times recently and are both obviously still feeling the brunt of the effects, even of the separation from your families, this can be especially hard on some people.

Do either of you have friends in the new area? If not I would suggest getting out and making some pronto. Preferably ones that you both can hang out with.

You are counting on him too much for immediate happiness in your life. I only say 'too much' because he is not providing it.

Stay close, stay attentive, but start to make things happen for you guys.


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## KTwo

Thanks for your thoughts. You are right and things have been tough recently and that has complicated things for both of us as individuals and a couple. Fortunatly my husband has made some good friends at work that do include me in parties and so on. We "do" those and other things together but we aren't connecting. 

Doing things in a big group of people isn't the same as being together. We sit in a room in silence while he plays on the internet or gets ready to go do something with his service club. How do we start connecting and get through this?


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## Threetimesalady

Hi KTwo.....We have been married for a long time...Saying this I know where you are...I have found that both sexes age differently...Add to this the loss of jobs and security plus deaths in the family and you have created a surreal experience...My husband and I have many things in common...We get along great...Yet, he has his time and I have mine which adds to the growth of our relationship....However, we have been together forever...

With your husband working I can see how you want to spend special time with him...This is important in both bonding and making love...Have you tried bringing sex as more of a bonding issue in your relationship?...I mean not occassional, but a "let's get it on and play house" sort of thing...Try going back to where you were...Just lay in bed in each other's arms and talk of your plans for tomorrow...Replace that little pet...They are wonderful at helping a relationship...I know, we have twin puppies...We just love them to death....

Try not to let him get too deep into himself...Think too much...Keep him young...This is kind of the secret to happiness...Good luck and I hope all goes well....


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## Threetimesalady

This was a sad post....I wish her well...


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