# Women...please advise!



## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

I've been married for 6 years. I am 47 and my wife is 46. When my wife and I met, we were older (38). She had just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in nursing and I had been a lawyer for 10 years. After failing in my own practice and I landed a job with an insurance company that paid well. That was 3 months before we met. 

She got a job and began to work. I was impressed with her that she had the initiative to go back to school and get a career. I did well at the insurance company and got nice raises. We dated for 2 years before we got married. I was making decent money when we were married. Soon after we got married we decided we wanted a family. We were older so time was of the essence. We agreed that if she got pregnant and if we had a child, she could quit her job and I would support us both. Three months after we were married we decided to try invitro as we had not had luck getting pregnant (unprotected sex for over a year). She told me that she thought it would be better if she took a leave of absence from work during the invitro (said it would be less stressful for her and improve our chances of conception). I agreed. Invitro didn't work. She went back to work for a short period of time (3-4 months) and then quit. Before she quit we decided to build a new home and continue with fertility treatments (IUI). We never were able to conceive. 

After we stopped trying fertility treatments she never returned to work. She said her job was overseeing the building of the house. I said, alot of people build homes and they both work. She refused. Luckily for me, my salary kept going up and I was able to pay for everything. We don't save anything, but I was able to pay. 

After the house was built, and her "job" was done she still didn't return to work. In the meantime, she grew more and more controlling and would not allow me to see friends that I've had since I was a kid. She told me flat out that she was not going back to work. She didn't like her job she said. I told her it was not fair and that was not the deal we had. She said I made enough money to support us both and why should she work?

I told her that we are very lucky that I have a good paying job that allows me to pay our bills (including her expensive college loans for a degree that now she refuses to use). I didn't mention that I started a side business and work on that as well. 

So, I built her a brand new house, she drives a new car, doesn't work, we have no kids, she controls the finances, has a housekeeper now she just hired and spends her week going to pilates classes and getting her nails and hair done every week. In the meantime, I am working my ass off in a stressful job that pays well. I tell her our marriage needs he to work so we can save for retirement as we don't save any money. She just refuses. 

She is resentful that "I never gave her her family" according to her. She says that I should of spent all the savings I had saved before I met her ($200K) on invitro despite the fact that the doctor said we only had a 5% chance of success. I am resentful of the fact that I never agreed to marry somebody so I can be their lottery ticket. I came from a poor family where everyone worked. In fact all my lawyer friends, some of who do much better than me all have wives that work! They even have children! I don't know one childless married couple where both people don't work. 

Due to her resentment, she is just mean now. She is controlling, everything is an argument, she won't sleep in the same bedroom as me for the last 2 months, we have no intimacy, no love, no affection. She will go days not talking to me over the most stupid of things and is downright nasty to me insulting my parents and the way they brought me up, etc. 

The strange part is I still love my wife. I believe she is a good person deep down inside, but she has an unbelievable and unexplainable sense of entitlement. She refuses to go to marriage counseling and says all the problems in our marriage is mostly my fault. 

I have left out many horrible things she has done and said to me as well. She can't take any criticism and just refuses to discuss anything in a civil manner with an eye towards resolution. 

Should I just give up and get divorced? Am I foolish to stay in this marriage????


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

OMG I'm sooo sorry.....SHUT HER DOWN! CUT OFF HER MEAL TICKET! Sounds like she snowed you...who does she think she is?! Treats you like that and you support her lavish lifestyle? ( I consider weeks full of pilates, nails & hair lavish)

I'm sorry you fell so hard...you deserve better...


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

The picture that you paint is pretty bleak.

The ball is in your court. You can go ahead and file for divorce. If she comes to you at that point and says that she wants to try to work on the marriage you can insist on a number of things -- and you might think about a post-nup agreement (presumably with your law skills you can figure out what would hold up in your state).

The alternative is to stop fighting her on her going back to work. You could still give her an ultimatum -- say that you can stay in a marriage with a wife who doesn't work, but that you cannot stay married to someone who doesn't show you affection, love, & respect. (Again, a post-nup might be a good idea.) 

It sounds like you have absolutely decided against IV. Are you completely against children -- i.e., adoption, donor eggs & your sperm & gestational carrier if necessary? If so, you could tell her that as well, although I think others on the board will caution you against having a child with someone when your marriage is on the rocks!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

tell her what you want and if not---you are done.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

Thank you all for your input. I am very sad because I think my marriage is doomed. I am so desperate that I think I posted my original post in hopes of any words of wisdom that may help. You have all been wise in your answers and I have thought of these things. I know my wife will never sign a post nup. She has 6 years in our marriage that will apply towards alimony so there is no incentive for her to do that and give up her "time". 

As far as the children thing, I am not opposed to children. That's why I got married after a first childless marriage to another crazy woman. That's another story. I was always willing to adopt. My wife initially was not. Over the course of time she did become amenable to it, but again, she blames me for us not having adopted. I told her that I was at work all day and that she was the one with all the free time and that she was in a better position to get the adoption ball rolling. She never did even though she was home all day for years. 

So, I am doomed. I have been a good husband for the most part. I have worked hard to get us ahead, I am not a drunk, I don't do drugs, I have never cheated on my wife, nor ever wanted to. I don't go out every weekend with my friends and only ask that she not give me a hard time if I want to go fishing once in a while, or go to a ballgame with some buddies. She doesn't like that. I wanted was a partner in life. Someone to be in the "fight" with me. Instead, I fight the fight alone. I've ended up with the most expensive person that only does laundry for me. She hasn't cooked in a month in the gourmet kitchen she wanted and now to my utter surprise, she has hired a cleaning woman to clean the house even though she doesn't work and we don't have kids. No, we don't live in a mansion. It's a 2800 sq ft. house. 

Most people that are dissapointed in marriage go wrong because they expect people to change. I only my wife to be the basic person who I married. I wish I had never become successful at my job. I think if I had not received raises, my wife would have had to remain at work and I truly believe our marriage and partnership would have remained strong. 

I am in the position now that I have to either live like this for the rest of my life (or until she divorces me and is entitled to permanent alimony) and I can't do that. I am so incredibly unhappy. My other option is divorce someone that I love and pay only temporary alimony. In either case, I lose.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

why don't you tell her that you both need to go to MC. If she refuses, tell her "fine. I'm going on my own then." 
See what she says. And actually follow through with going. Maybe her eyes will open a bit to go with you.

Also, maybe she needs to be put on an allowance?? Open a separate checking acct (your name only) and put a majority of your paycheck in there. Make sure there is enough $ for bills and her few extras, but once she's out of $, say "well, maybe you should do something about that.....like go back to friggin work!"


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