# When does it get easier?



## JensHere (Oct 14, 2010)

I was with my husband for 14 years, most of which he cheated on me with mainly one woman. Last month I told him I was unhappy and needed things to change, that all of his years of cheating and substance abuse had done me in and I wanted him to get help. He begged me not to leave him, said he'd get help, said he'd do anything it took to make things work. He kept telling me over and over that he loved me. 

Two weeks ago I discovered he's been seeing the woman again and it's been going on for some time. He had her in my bed while I was at work. We are separating now, he's leaving this weekend. He intends to carry on his relationship with her (still a secret though since she's married too and is cheating on her husband with him). He tells me that his feelings for me have changed. My question is, when did that happen? Was it while he was begging me not to leave him? While he was getting in bed with me the day he had someone else in my bed and trying to make things better? Or, more likely, the moment he realized that he had gone too far and wasn't going to be forgiven this time.

I know after all of the things he's done to me over the years, he's not worth all of the pain I'm feeling. But it's really hard to look back over 14 years and see that it was all for nothing. I've forgiven him for more crap in 14 years than anyone would have. I've stuck with him through everything. And suddenly it's so easy for him to shrug his shoulders and move on to the next sucker. I guess I'm just not made like that, and that's why I'm having trouble understanding how it's so easy for him. 

He's not worth this, and to be honest I've already started to move on. But when does it get easier?


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I can't answer your question, but wanted to say I'm sorry for your pain and you deserve someone better. And don't say the 14 years were for nothing. I'm sure you learned alot about yourself and about the ingredients of a bad relationship. Don't allow him to keep hurting you, which he will if you try to reconcile. Don't give up hope that life can be good again. Sometimes the most beautiful days come right after the darkest storm.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I don't know when it actually gets better. I think that it's going to be like a serious physical injury. It hurts like hell when it first happens; lots of blood and ugliness. Then, you get the initial treatment and the pain subsides to about a 7 out of 10. As time goes on, the healing begins. But, even when all the healing has happened and you're to that "good as new" stage, the scar is still there. It's just going to become a part of us. It'll get better, but I don't know that anyone ever really gets over it 100%. Hang in there.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

been over 3 months ago when my life feel apart...things run in tides now, high tide--I don't eat or sleep much, low tide things are better...but it is still hard to smile and being alone is always overwhelming...but mostly, I'm just numb, neither happy or sad, just empty...


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## JensHere (Oct 14, 2010)

Thank you for the kind words everyone. This has been quite an emotional roller coaster, kind of like the five stages of grief I suppose. I'm over him and what he did to me, there's definitely no way I'd ever reconcile with him. But now my stress has turned towards my son, and the fact that his dad intends to stay with the woman he cheated on me with for 10 years. It's just making me sick to my stomach to know that she did her best for 10 years to tear apart my family (honestly it wasn't entirely her fault, but she sure did her share), and now that she's got her way, she gets to be involved in my son's life too? I'm having a HUGE problem with that. I know my son is an awesome kid and has a good heart. But I really don't want him around her. He'll start counseling in a couple of weeks so he'll have someone neutral to talk to about all of this. I don't know that I'll ever be okay with her being any part of his life.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

JensHere said:


> T..and now that she's got her way, she gets to be involved in my son's life too? I'm having a HUGE problem with that


That's perfectly understandable, but seems like the most common advice I've read about making divorce easier for kids(and even though you're not divorced yet, this applies to separation as well) is to shield them from the drama as much as possible. Try not talk bad about your son's dad in front of him and don't ask your son to take your side. He may volunteer to take your side, but I think it's best if you don't take the bait on that - remind your son that he still has a mom and dad who both love him and will be there for him. It's also a good idea to ask your husband to do the same.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

That the OW would have a part in my children's lives would kill me too. I dread that and hope to God it does not happen in my case. I've really done my best to control my temper and to kill the drama, especially for my kids. I could strangle their father for what he's done to destroy our family, but I know that I have to keep that to myself and among my close friends. They can't know that. I can't actively participate in ruining their relationship with their only father. The addition of the OW though would be very, very difficult. My counselor suggested a book - I haven't read it yet, but she said it's a really good reminder that we have to put the kids first, always. It's called "Divorce Poison" and that's apparently the kind of stuff that it focuses on. Maybe that would help you put some of this mess into perspective, at least for the kids. It's awful that there is going to be a lifetime of sh$t that we are going to have to eat, but it's to make sure that the kids have a happy and healthy childhood. I understand and think that all of your feelings are totally justified. I know you'll find the strength though, somehow, to handle this the best way you can. ((Big hugs!))


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

I hate that we are all going through this, but am so thankful for this site, and knowing I always have somewhere I can go where people will understand and feel my pain does help. Unfortunatly for me, I do know the pain of having my son be brought around the OW. DAILY. H doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it since he is so in the fog and believes this will all work out and they will live happily ever after. It kills, it confuses my son (hes 4) and hearing him whispering in his bed say his prayers is a tough pill to swollow. "Dear Jesus....do you know OW? Please make her go away and bring my daddy home to be with me and mommy." When my baby boy brings up name, I simply respond that I dont know her. I never bad mouth his daddy whereas he is too young to understand. What I will say is this...given the circumstances of how this all went down, I know this will all explode in his face....the sad part is, that as much as I want to hate him, and say I'll never look back, if I am truely honest, I am not there yet....I miss him, it hurts every day. Sorry to take over your post Jen, but the title def. caught my attention...when does it get better? some days I can breath more than others true, but in the end, its still hard...my H got so mad at me the other day because when he dropped off our son, he said have a good day...I said yep, whereas I was at work and busy....and he was sooooo mad that I didnt say for him to have a good day back. what the hell?! ugh. okay, again Jen, sorry to take over your post, but I do feel your pain. Any time you need to chat, I am here.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

why do I still love him said:


> Dear Jesus....do you know OW? Please make her go away and bring my daddy home to be with me and mommy."


As a father of a 3 1/2 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who has considered divorce going on 2 years now, your story breaks my heart and is at least half of why I'm sticking it out for now, despite the fact that I'm a 32 year-old man and mad as hell that I'm forced to live a life without sex and affection because the one person I committed to sharing it with isn't interested. I also know my wife, and if she heard my son say a prayer like that, I know for a fact she would throw it in my face and I would be destroyed emotionally.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

yea Hoops. It sucks....and even harder is that at this point, if I was to tell my husband about said prayers, he probably wouldnt believe me, or think I was exaggerating or putting thoughts in my babys head. Life is def. throwing me some tough times these days...and the fog is thicker than ever...sigh...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JensHere said:


> He's not worth this, and to be honest I've already started to move on. But when does it get easier?


you cannot put a time on how long it takes, it all depends on your support system, and yourself, sorry


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