# A vicious circle in a sexless marriage



## Draka (Jul 21, 2013)

My Wife and I have been together for 10 years married for 5 we have 2 young children and both work a full time job, our son is 5 and our daughter 4 we are both devoted parents.

Some of you may say you can see the issue coming "that we don't make time for each other" yet I have made concerted efforts on numerous and lengthy occasions in the past without any change in her behaviour. 

The problem is this- I no longer get sexually aroused by her as she has put on weight since having children, I have trouble communicating this to her as she is very sensitive to the subject (we had some issues on how she dressed before this) it got to a point where I refused sex unless she lost weight and after several months she started to do so, our sex life resumed in Easter but has now stopped again as the weight has all come back, this time not through my choice but I cannot get aroused by her (I do not have rectile problems).

The vicious circle is that she has always said I will look good for you if you make changes for me yet I have changed for her sooo much with no result (she will admit I have made these changes) the only time I get any result is with negatives like refusing sex.
so I say I have made changes why should I make more without seeing any from you, to which she say she wants more.

I do not want to leave her and my children, she says the same but sometimes she can be cruel and unkind to me which makes living together very hard, she now says she wants her own bed and last night slept in another room.

I don't know what to do, as I still love her but I don't enjoy sex with her thinking off other people ( it feels like a duty) and I am not aroused by her, yet she is understandably hurt by this but refuses to take any action to rectify it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how much weight are we talking about?

do you watch porn? that can give unrealistic expectations. on how a woman should look. 

was she heavy before you married or before you had children.


and this blackmailing sex to get each other to change is crazy!

do you love her? do you have fun spending time with her and just being around her. seems like guys have regulated your relationship into a business deal.

sounds very unloving to me.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

If you really want to keep your family together, stop masturbating completely. 100%. Stop looking at porn or thinking of other women and stay away from attractive female friends. You might have a crush on someone else, avoid that person. If you keep your hands off yourself and focus only on your W, spending lots of time cuddling and hugging with your W, eventually you will desire her. If not, your T might be low, that could be factoring into this.

Get rid of all junk food and high carb or sweet food in the house including juice and soda. Take over the cooking and grocery shopping and cook only healthy low carb meals. Offer to watch the kids for 1 hour each day while she goes for a walk. I recommend both of you read the book 'Why We Get Fat'.

What were the changes you made for her? How is she cruel to you, other than getting mad about you withholding sex or affection? What other changes does she want from you, other than more sex and affection? She shouldn't have to ask for sex or affection, that should be a given since you married her.

How much affection are you showing her? Every day do you tell her you love her, hug her, kiss her, compliment her, flirt, or say something tender? Do you hire a babysitter and plan date nights at least once or twice every month? You are losing connection to each other, to save your marriage you need to spend more time together alone, paying full attention to each without the kids around, especially touching, kissing, and cuddling.

I think you should apologize for withholding sex based on her weight, you are in the wrong. If you can't get aroused for now, just kiss and do massages on her or oral on her until you get your mojo and your connection back. Does she give you BJs? I would think that should do the trick to help arouse you as long as you are avoiding masturbation.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree with all of Kari's post...but I don't think it is wrong to expect an attractive spouse.

In the Marriage Builders program, they view the desire to have an attractive spouse as a valid emotional need. Draka, you might want to check MB out and see if it might work for you. The gist of it is, that they know spouses need to stay romantically in love, so they help you achieve that and maintain it. Part of staying in love is fulfilling each other's emotional needs, including the need to have an attractive spouse. The program would help you and her both understand that her not maintaining her attractiveness for you (and vice versa) will lead to stress on the marriage and possibly falling out of love.

Not just attraction but many other factors need to be attended to in a relationship in order to maintain romantic love.

Here's a link:

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## Draka (Jul 21, 2013)

So some background information here is required.

When we met I was a professional athlete and with that diet and weight are an important part, she weighed 45kg and now weighs 55kg so although this isn't a huge amount it is about a 22% increase and she only carries it on her tummy not her breast or bum, sorry if that's not PC.

I have tried giving up porn I did this for 2 months, yes I masterbated less which made me more horny and increased my desire a little but It did not solve the issue.

As far as diet and exercise goes I eat healthily and exercise around 5 hours a week.

The changes I have made for her would make a very long list but some of the main ones are to change my career to earn more money, to move near her family away from my friends where we bought our first home, to be more private regarding our relationship hence now only being able to anonymously write here for advice, to improve my personal hygiene and do vastly increased domestic chore (she will admit she is somewhat anal about the house) 

"I think you should apologize for withholding sex based on her weight, you are in the wrong. If you can't get aroused for now, just kiss and do massages on her or oral on her until you get your mojo and your connection back. Does she give you BJs? I would think that should do the trick to help arouse you as long as you are avoiding masturbation. "

I think you are being biased in your response I believe that weight is something she has control over so it is a two way street.

we had counselling years back and he said we shouldn't do "deals" with each other but as hard as we try it keeps coming back to that.

Today I hugged her and kissed her the kids noticed and joined in it was lovely, I do love her very much but I am still not sexually aroused by her I don't know what to do.


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## Draka (Jul 21, 2013)

Just seen your message FW will have a look tomorrow, bedtime now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay I had to look it up but that's what 121 pounds?

How tall is she?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

After a woman has children they usually get a belly, because it stretches out during pregnancy!! She went from 99 pounds to 121 after 2 children. I would say that is pretty damn good, if you ask me... A woman's body changes after they have children!! 

I would want to sleep in another room also.


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