# Cheated on? Betrayed? It's STILL not your fault!



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Really! It isn't!

Possibly you might not have been the best husband/wife/fiancée ever, but know something? 

The cheating and betrayal is at their door!

Have I posted something similar to this before? You bet!:smthumbup:

Will I post something like it in the future? Oh, yes!  :smthumbup:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Matt, this cant be right. When I was going through my D my XW assured me it was all my fault. She even had a list of reasons. LOL

She has since seen the light. Too little and way the hell too late.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I still have a little bit of that feeling of responsibility, not for the EA itself, but for the condition of our relationship that made him feel it was OK to do it. We could have tried harder instead of drifting apart, but WE didn't cheat, HE did.

Silly of me, I know, to feel guilty it was not an excuse for him, his bad choice etc., but it's still there. For the first EA with her, anyway.

The 2nd one with the same OW was ALL him, so no guilt over that one. None at all. I feel rightfully angry and sad that he did that, again and it will be a while before all is well here, even though he is working on it and I am trying.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Really! It isn't!
> 
> Possibly you might not have been the best husband/wife/fiancée ever, but know something?
> 
> ...


But how many of us, no matter how much we logically know this to be true, emotionally accept this 100%? Especially when you have had more than one partner cheat on you. It's hard to shake the feeling that there is either something about you that makes people want to cheat on you, or makes them feel that they can get away with cheating on you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I apologize for being controversial, but I think it's overly simplistic to simply state that the BS never contributes to factors that result in infidelity. Now I never justify infidelity because I believe there are other ways to deal with marital problems. But I also realize that people are human, and that with being human there is a chance that a person in a bad situation will make a decision that can be a poor choice. While I believe that infidelity is morally repugnant, I can understand why a spouse could feel like he/she was pushed into that corner to make this type of choice.

TAM is an interesting place, so much so that I strongly believe that what is shown here is not as typical as what we see in the real world. Typically, the dominant theme on the infidelity threads are the BS was a good spouse while the WS was a cruel, heartless, callous individual. While there are scenarios that do play out like that, there are also plenty of scenarios where the WS is not a bad person nor was not a troublemaker in the marriage. Yes, to the horror of many on here I'm sure, the WS can also be a person who reacts to a bad situation by making a terrible choice. This happens quite often in real life with other situations. Surely it also happens in real life. I've seen it (No, I have never lived it, never cheated nor have I been cheated upon).

Take the situations where people live in sexless marriages. This is all too common and is one of a number of situations where it's not so cut and dry that the WS is the personification of evil. I can see where a WS elects to cheat if their BS shuts down the sex and on top of that they have children together. The WS is hurting - badly - because he/she is not getting the love and affection that is crucial to a marriage. Talking to the BS doesn't work, begging for change doesn't work and the BS refuses to go to counseling to fix the marital issues. But the WS doesn't want to pursue divorce because he/she does not want to become a part time dad/mom. So what option is left? If the spouse is starved for affection, then I can see where he/she stupidly decides to cheat in order to fill a void. Does that mean that what they are doing is justified? NO! But it is understandable why a WS may make that type of decision given the state of his/her marriage. In these type of situations, it's simply not true to state that be BS played zero role in the cheating.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

sang-froid said:


> But how many of us, no matter how much we logically know this to be true, emotionally accept this 100%? Especially when you have had more than one partner cheat on you. It's hard to shake the feeling that there is either something about you that makes people want to cheat on you, or makes them feel that they can get away with cheating on you.


Or you're attracted to that type of personality, aka a flirt that's very social and likes attention from the opposite sex.. what attracted you to them in the first place.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I think most BS at least thinks what could I have done different to have prevented the A. In my case she said she did not feel I loved her and she wanted to be loved. So, could I have shown my love more and prevented all of this? I think regardless of what I would have done she was in a state of mind that led to cheating. It is a choice made by the WS. Even she admits this.


It's this in a nutshell.. just because some person was filling needs doesn't mean you weren't trying to fill those needs.

Example.. you might have said "I love you", but they didn't get as excited as when AP said the same thing, because that was someone new saying it. So now they are spending time, doing things together, getting close.. Now they need an excuse to justify the feelings of lust for this new person, so no matter how much love you show, they'll push you away.. you showing love will make them feel guilty, so they'll pick a fight with you instead of returning your love.

So yea.. It's not your fault.. all the 'you were x, you weren't x' are reasons to justify sneaking around and cheating. The biggest problem in the relationship is always that a third party has been injected into it.. and that's not on the BS. Any other issue is miniscule compared to adding an AP. This is not a fix for your M.. not a fix for you.. it's a fix like heroin, a self destructive one that'll eventually rip you and your family apart.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Or you're attracted to that type of personality, aka a flirt that's very social and likes attention from the opposite sex.. what attracted you to them in the first place.


One of the things I liked about my H is that he's in almost every way the polar opposite to my ex. He's not a very social person, he never turned his head to another woman in front of me, and he hid how much he enjoys attention from the opposite sex. So maybe I send out an "I'm an idiot, it's ok to treat me like crap" vibe.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sang-froid said:


> One of the things I liked about my H is that he's in almost every way the polar opposite to my ex. He's not a very social person, he never turned his head to another woman in front of me, and he hid how much he enjoys attention from the opposite sex. So maybe I send out an "I'm an idiot, it's ok to treat me like crap" vibe.


Almost anyone enjoys opposite sex attention.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Almost anyone enjoys opposite sex attention.


Yes, I do know that lol. I meant he didn't ogle other women in front of me and didn't seem to thrive on it more than an attached man should, which my first H did. So I guess I wisened up enough to pick a slightly more discreet cheater.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I apologize for being controversial, but I think it's overly simplistic to simply state that the BS never contributes to factors that result in infidelity.>>

I don't find that to be true here. I think many/most realize that things weren't perfect, they are just saying the decision to cheat was 100% the betrayers deal while the state of the union, as it were, was a 50/50 thing, as it should be.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

PamJ said:


> <<I apologize for being controversial, but I think it's overly simplistic to simply state that the BS never contributes to factors that result in infidelity.>>
> 
> I don't find that to be true here. I think many/most realize that things weren't perfect, they are just saying the decision to cheat was 100% the betrayers deal while *the state of the union*, as it were, was a 50/50 thing, as it should be.


Exactly. I had no idea as to the true state of our union. He knew he was cheating and I didn't. I always told him the truth and he always lied to me. Unfair advantage over me would be an understatement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PamJ said:


> <<I apologize for being controversial, but I think it's overly simplistic to simply state that the BS never contributes to factors that result in infidelity.>>
> 
> I don't find that to be true here. I think many/most realize that things weren't perfect, they are just saying the decision to cheat was 100% the betrayers deal while the state of the union, as it were, was a 50/50 thing, as it should be.


Exactly my point! 

I had a revenge affair after my wife cheated on me.

Who do I hold 100% responsible for my affair? 

ME! It was all my fault for not addressing the problems in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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