# Is an open-marriage a good idea?



## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I posted recently about my wife learning of an emotional affair I was apart of. There have been other incidents of unfaithfulness on my part. Since I was in my early/mid 20s I've been unfaithful in almost every relationship I've been involved in. Its something I'm not proud of and a habit I am trying desperately to change. I haven't stepped out on my wife physically in more than 2 years. 

I have another active thread discussing if I should confess to my wife or not about the past mistakes. I didn't want to piggyback on my other thread and post this so I created a new thread. I'm not sure what the exact posting rules so I apologize if this post violates the rules. My older post, for anyone who is curious is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44798-wife-found-out-about-emotional-affair-there-more-though-do-i-confess-not.html

An idea I have been considering discussing with my wife is potentially opening up our marriage a little bit. I've never really even for a second considered leaving my wife for another woman. She is the love of my life. But I am a flawed person and I have my demons. I think one of those demons is I struggle to remain monogamous to one person. I think an arrangement where casual sex outside of the marriage is allowed would be acceptable. I'm not sure if I would be comfortable with my wife sleeping with other people but it is a compromise. If we used protection at all times and as long as the relationships remained casual I think it could work. 

Its just an idea I have been thinking about. My wife is in 31 1/2 weeks pregnant right now so it would be some time before I brought this idea up. I think it is an idea with some merits.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Good luck with that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Swinging is not a band aid and if it was you don't use a band aid on a huge open wound


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope. In your case not a good idea. Not really a good idea in any case.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How much of this have you told your wife? I guess what I'm asking is, does she know what a struggle it is for you to remain faithful to her?

I only ask because MOST women wouldn't want a man that couldn't remain faithful. It might have been something helpful for her to know before committing and investing herself to your relationship.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>I'm not sure if I would be comfortable with my wife sleeping with other people<<

Do you wonder how she feels?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He wants to sleep with others, but she can't?

:rofl:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

An open marriage is a good idea only if BOTH spouses are okay with it and see a mutual benefit. 

The request you're making sounds like is only centered around YOUR benefit and not your wifes.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> How much of this have you told your wife? I guess what I'm asking is, does she know what a struggle it is for you to remain faithful to her?


My wife knows about an emotional affair I had with a co-worker. We are working through it together and she seems to be willing to forgive me for it. She doesn't know about the physical affairs or my struggles with remaining faithful. I'm still debating whether or not to come clean on those. I've been getting a lot of advice on my other thread about this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have cheated and she doesn't know. She doesn't know because you are deceitful and won't tell her. 

But now you want her permission to sleep with others in an "open" marriage, but you don't really want her to sleep around, but could deal just so long as it's 'casual'.

Dude. Did you read what you wrote?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

that_girl said:


> He wants to sleep with others, but she can't?
> 
> :rofl:


Sounds more like a Sultan than a FallenMan.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Bad Idea usually leads to divorce best to have an open marriage without yr spouse knowing - JK


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And damn if I'm going to sit at home "babysitting" while Hubs is out bonking some other woman!

:rofl:  Hell no.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> But I am a flawed person and I have my demons. I think one of those demons is I struggle to remain monogamous to one person.


Have you considered therapy to find out why this is? And I don't buy it that you are trying to "change it", if you are honestly asking if an open marriage is a good idea. In my HUMBLE opinion, you are doing nothing more than trying to figure out a way to have your cake and eat it too. And instead of working on your "demons" or trying to "change it", you are trying to come up with a way to keep cheating on your wife.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I posted recently about my wife learning of an emotional affair I was apart of. There have been other incidents of unfaithfulness on my part. Since I was in my early/mid 20s I've been unfaithful in almost every relationship I've been involved in. Its something I'm not proud of and a habit I am trying desperately to change. I haven't stepped out on my wife physically in more than 2 years.
> 
> I have another active thread discussing if I should confess to my wife or not about the past mistakes. I didn't want to piggyback on my other thread and post this so I created a new thread. I'm not sure what the exact posting rules so I apologize if this post violates the rules. My older post, for anyone who is curious is:
> 
> ...


I wonder if you're a troll.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I think y'all are misunderstanding what I wrote. I just said I was uncomfortable with my wife sleeping with other people. I didn't say she couldn't. It wouldn't be much of an open marriage if it was only open for me. All I was saying is it might be kind of hard for me to accept MY wife with someone else. But if we were to have an open marriage where I was with someone else it would only be fair for my wife to have that same option. I feel like some of you are twisting my words to make it seem like I want an open marriage where I can be active with others and my wife cannot. I never said that.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> I think y'all are misunderstanding what I wrote. I just said I was uncomfortable with my wife sleeping with other people. I didn't say she couldn't. It wouldn't be much of an open marriage if it was only open for me. All I was saying is it might be kind of hard for me to accept MY wife with someone else. But if we were to have an open marriage where I was with someone else it would only be fair for my wife to have that same option. I feel like some of you are twisting my words to make it seem like I want an open marriage where I can be active with others and my wife cannot. I never said that.


Your poor wife.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> My wife knows about an emotional affair I had with a co-worker. We are working through it together and she seems to be willing to forgive me for it. She doesn't know about the physical affairs or my struggles with remaining faithful. I'm still debating whether or not to come clean on those. I've been getting a lot of advice on my other thread about this.


I guess my next question is, why are you keeping it a secret? Why haven't you told her about all of it?

Listen. You want this woman to engage in an open marriage with you, which for you is the IDEAL way to live, but you can't bring yourself to even have the decency to be completely honest to her about who you really are as a person. Does that even make any sense?

You want her to be okay with you having casual sex with others, you say you love her, but you IMO have no respect for her or her feelings. You don't even trust her with the real you. 

And in this open marriage scenario.... would SHE be having casual sex too? You okay with that? OR is this all about you and your demons only?

ETA: scratch my last question. I just read your last comments about her involvement in the open marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I think y'all are misunderstanding what I wrote. I just said I was uncomfortable with my wife sleeping with other people. I didn't say she couldn't. It wouldn't be much of an open marriage if it was only open for me. All I was saying is *it might be kind of hard for me to accept MY wife with someone else.* But if we were to have an open marriage where I was with someone else it would only be fair for my wife to have that same option. I feel like some of you are twisting my words to make it seem like I want an open marriage where I can be active with others and my wife cannot. I never said that.


I bolded that to make a point.

That twinge you have about HER doing it, is how she feels all the time about you (even with the little you've admitted to her). Doesn't feel too good does it? She has no idea who you are really, and your trickle truth about who you really are is rather insulting to her as a human being.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Open as in being open and honest, yes.
You really don't know how she is going to react to the real you, and you assume you are not able to be with only one person. 

Your challenge should be to understand why you cheat, not give in to it and force it as a lifestyle.

It's always about choices. You can choose, always. Choose to focus on what you have, not what you don't. Choose to look inside for gratification, not outside. Choose to give in to your flaws, or not.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This reminds me of a relationship I had many years ago.

The difference was, I KNEW the kind of man he was, he told me all about his views on relationships when we first were getting to know each other. He had a hard time staying faithful, but he cared about me. I went into it with my eyes open, so when he eventually did go off and cheat, I wasn't surprised. Hurt, but not surprised. I had a decision to make... continue to be with him and from time to time get my feelings hurt over his behavior, or walk.

In the end I walked, but you know what? I could respect him for being honest and I haven't got any hard feelings for him. He taught me a lot, and we did have a blast when we were together. 

THAT'S how it should be. Be honest and upfront. Let people know what they're getting into and allow them to make the decision to go forward with that knowledge.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Your challenge should be to understand why you cheat, not give in to it and force it as a lifestyle


:iagree:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You really need to grow up... You've not been able to be faithful your entire adult life. So now your idea is to accommodate your self with an open marriage? This idea only goes to show what lack of empathy you have toward your wife and family. 

1)How about you tell you wife what you did first. 

2)Then get some real help for your lack of self control/selfishness.

At least try to correct your self consumed behavior, before she and your children see what a poor husband/father you really are. 

Most people come here to save their relationships. not sink them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just get a divorce and live the single life in the way you crave, your wife deserves so much better


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I do want to be married. I love my wife and I love our son so much. I'm not sure I would be any better off single. I am happy when I am at home with my wife and our child. Filing for divorce would hurt our kids and make their lives so much tougher. I have such a good relationship with my boy and I don't want to be away from him for 50% (or more) of the time. 

I think I may try talking to a therapist. Our insurance covers a few meetings so I will try it out. It can't hurt right? 

I want to save and fix my marriage. That is why I am posting here and considering coming clean to my wife. I want to do what is best for our kids. That is why I stopped the cheating mostly 2 years ago. I am really trying.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> I do want to be married. I love my wife and I love our son so much. I'm not sure I would be any better off single. I am happy when I am at home with my wife and our child. Filing for divorce would hurt our kids and make their lives so much tougher. I have such a good relationship with my boy and I don't want to be away from him for 50% (or more) of the time.
> 
> I think I may try talking to a therapist. Our insurance covers a few meetings so I will try it out. It can't hurt right?
> 
> *I want to save and fix my marriage.* That is why I am posting here and considering coming clean to my wife. I want to do what is best for our kids. That is why I stopped the cheating mostly 2 years ago. I am really trying.


That should read you want to save and fix yourself. Your marriage has suffered some damage, but without all the cards on the table yet, it's hasn't broken. YOU are the one that is broken and need to be saved, from yourself.

Come clean. You can't really truly work on your marriage or yourself until you're HONEST with your wife about who you are and what you really want from your marriage. You owe it to her and your children to do the right thing by them.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I applaud you for wanting to do the hard work. 

And it IS hard to look at yourself and make those changes. But your family does deserve it, and so do YOU. Being a parent isn't all about fun time, it's about being a role model and getting your own corner cleaned up so they don't end up screwed in the head


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I think y'all are misunderstanding what I wrote. I just said I was uncomfortable with my wife sleeping with other people. I didn't say she couldn't. It wouldn't be much of an open marriage if it was only open for me. All I was saying is it might be kind of hard for me to accept MY wife with someone else. But if we were to have an open marriage where I was with someone else it would only be fair for my wife to have that same option. I feel like some of you are twisting my words to make it seem like I want an open marriage where I can be active with others and my wife cannot. I never said that.


Instead of asking for open marriage tell your wife you have been cheating from beginning and that you will never be faithful so she can make her own mind up if she wants open marriage or marriage at all.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Whats best for your family and you is for you to come clean with them and yourself. Own up to your faults and take your consequences. Your trying use your family as an excuse to cover your lies. You seem not to see that's only going to make things worse, in the long run. You've been a cheater too long. With that cheater mentality, you lie and cover up, with the bs that you don't want to hurt them. Here's the news, you already did.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> That is why I stopped the cheating *mostly* 2 years ago. I am really trying.


This is an all or nothing deal dude. You're either cheating or you're not. There is no such thing as "stopped the cheating mostly."

I know I advised you in your other thread to tell your wife and I still stand by that but before you do that you need to go talk to that counselor. You are lying to and deceiving yourself, and you've been doing it long enough that you currently have no grasp on reality or the truth. You need to get yourself some perspective before you do anything else. 

You are here trying to rationalize - before our very eyes - every way you can conceive of to not face what you've done. If you really love your wife, want to be a good husband and a good father go get some help and straighten yourself out.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I do want to be married. I love my wife and I love our son so much. I'm not sure I would be any better off single.
> ......I want to save and fix my marriage. That is why I am posting here and considering coming clean to my wife. I want to do what is best for our kids. That is why I stopped the cheating mostly 2 years ago. I am really trying.


You have a strange way of showing your family that you want to be married. There is a lot here about what "I want". There is nothing about what your wife wants. I'll bet she wants a loyal and respectful husband. Too bad she got you instead!

You haven't 'stopped the cheating mostly.' *You got caught!* And all you are thinking about is how to avoid telling your wife about all your cheating.

Boy, do I feel sorry for her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Wouldn't that be good for you!! You get a convent sex thing when you don't feel like hunting up new [email protected], a chef, maid, childcare worker, a bed warmer. She gets to wait around faithful as a dog until you give her a rub on the head as a reward for faithfulness. 

What a dream. Know anyone with such an arrangement besides yourself? You have had things going your way big time now you are getting greedy. You think you can have even more. 

Problem is the wheel of fortune. Yes we are all subject to it. People like you who think you should have everything arranged for your convenience are especially vulnerable. 

Anything destabilizes you, like those women who cheated on you. If you think that warped you view of women wait till you see what will happen to you when you try and use the wrong woman. 

Get a divorce you won't be able to use your wife and kids for your convenience so you may as well get out now.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I can think of nothing worse then a lying cheating man with poor impulse control. You are worse then a toddler stamping his feet, wanting what you want. I hope you develop some maturity, wisdom and control and start behaving like the husband your wife and children deserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How old are you? And your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Does it matter how old he is? 20 or 70, it's disgusting behaviour.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

Again I am afraid I am being misunderstood. I wasn't thinking about this as a greedy thing or something selfish. It seemed like a decent compromise that would make everything more transparent and help me avoid lying. I do a lot for my wife and our family. I bring in most of our income and I take care of our kids. My wife is not my maid or chef. We have a very equal marriage. 

I am 35. My wife is 31. 

Also I have heard the folks that are encouraging me to come clean to my wife. It is a tough decision with huge implications for our marriage and our family and I am going to take my time prior to making my decision. I don't want to do anything to hurt us or our family but I do want to do what my wife deserves. Right now I am focused on being the best husband I can be and supporting her.


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## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

and you would spring this on a woman that just had your baby??? Even if you waited a whole year you would still have an infant and a wife who is still struggling to come to terms with the overwhelming responsibliities of motherhood. Cold. Very Cold.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Very selfish.

Women don't usually want to share their men. ESPECIALLY women who have made babies with said man.

That's just human biology.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You need to tell her everything. If you don't tell her all before proposing an open marriage you are not giving her all the information she needs to make an informed decision.

If you fear she will leave you because of what you have done in the past, what makes you think she won't leave you for what you propose to do in the future?


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

What I think is that you're a poly-wired person who has foolishly signed up for a monogamous relationship. In my experience, it NEVER works out for one partner to be poly and the other not and try to go poly... ditto with swing. She may go along for a while but unless you get wildly lucky and it really was her thing after all she's going to be building up resentment.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> Again I am afraid I am being misunderstood. .... It seemed like a decent compromise that would make everything more transparent and help me avoid lying..... We have a very equal marriage.
> 
> I don't want to do anything to hurt us or our family but I do want to do what my wife deserves.


You can be sure that you are not being misunderstood, we can all see exactly what you are trying to do here. You are looking for a free pass for your past cheating, and hoping to push your wife into an open marriage so you can continue to cheat.

It is not a decent compromise, it is a one sided, insensitive, selfish attempt on your part to sweep your boorish behavior under the rug.

You don't have an equal marriage. You have had affairs with 7 different women since you got together. Even if your wife had a one night stand with a different man each year of your time together you still wouldn't have an equal marriage, she would still be behind your seven.

I do agree that you should do what your wife deserves. When will you tell her what you have done to her? When will you move out? When are you planning to file for divorce?


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Dude. So much wrong going on here...
Why on GODS GREEN EARTH are you bringing ANOTHER child into a union based on lies and deciet? What were you thinking? Do you understand the life altering devastation this time bomb you have custom made is potentially creating for children?

So, you think-you-might-wanna-maybe..-tell-your wife the TRUTH about her LIFE? How friggin' magnanomous (< sp?) of you... You seem to want a pat on the back for this revalation?

Your wife, like every living person, deserves to know the TRUTH about her own life. (You have no right to feel ownership of her fate?). 
Your children deserve to live in a stable family -- best if created out of love, -- I am sorry, you don't have.

You are not unique, you are not special, you are not really a quality man (as far as husband/father material goes). 
Tell you wife the truth ASAP. Let her chose her own fate.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

We are not confused -- at all -- about what you are asking for.

Show a little humility and self pride and tell the truth. Forget "waiting"- (boy - the fantasy land you live in must have some GREAT mushrooms growing there!).
*
"We have a very equal marriage."*

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

The pain you are causing your family will NOT get any better (for her) with an infant, a toddler, a pre teen.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> Again I am afraid I am being misunderstood. I wasn't thinking about this as a greedy thing or something selfish. It seemed like a decent compromise that would make everything more transparent and help me avoid lying. I do a lot for my wife and our family. I bring in most of our income and I take care of our kids. My wife is not my maid or chef. We have a very equal marriage.
> 
> I am 35. My wife is 31.
> 
> Also I have heard the folks that are encouraging me to come clean to my wife. It is a tough decision with huge implications for our marriage and our family and I am going to take my time prior to making my decision.* I don't want to do anything to hurt us or our family *but I do want to do what my wife deserves. Right now I am focused on being the best husband I can be and supporting her.


Your still hiding behind you family. Oh the rationalization hamster.

_Selfish...Clueless_...and _Hopeless_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> Again I am afraid I am being misunderstood. I wasn't thinking about this as a greedy thing or something selfish. It seemed like a decent compromise that would make everything more transparent and help me avoid lying. I do a lot for my wife and our family. I bring in most of our income and I take care of our kids. My wife is not my maid or chef. We have a very equal marriage.
> 
> I am 35. My wife is 31.
> 
> Also I have heard the folks that are encouraging me to come clean to my wife. It is a tough decision with huge implications for our marriage and our family and I am going to take my time prior to making my decision. *I don't want to do anything to hurt us or our family but I do want to do what my wife deserves.* Right now I am focused on being the best husband I can be and supporting her.


You know what can help you avoid lying? Don't do anything wrong, or against the vows you made with your wife. No need to lie then.

Also, FAR TOO LATE for what I bolded. Your wife didn't deserve the cheating and deception you've already inflicted. 

I hope you will continue to come to TAM, hopefully gain some insight into marriages. There's a lot of information here, but most posters have very little patience for someone who appears to be conniving a way to continue to cheat (I think you've gathered that in this thread and perhaps your other one, I haven't looked). You've hurt your wife enough, whether she knows the whole story or not. You are afraid to tell her everything, why? You don't want to hurt her. I have an idea... Why don't you just NOT do whatever it is that is going to hurt her IF and WHEN she founds out... Don't just be a good H financially or with help around the house. Be a good H all the way around.

Look for happiness inside of your own family. Leave the single/married but looking/slvts, etc. alone. Communicate with your wife... Strive to make your marriage your real world. Realize you are TAKEN... You are NOT available for sex with just anyone and everyone anymore. Your marriage is your life. Appreciate what you have. Jerk off, watch porn, thumb through mags, fantasize, something else besides flirting and/or sleeping with real life women outside of your marriage.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> Again I am afraid I am being misunderstood. I wasn't thinking about this as a greedy thing or something selfish. It seemed like a decent compromise that would make everything more transparent and help me avoid lying.
> 
> It is a tough decision with huge implications for our marriage and our family and I am going to take my time prior to making my decision. I don't want to do anything to hurt us or our family but I do want to do what my wife deserves. Right now I am focused on being the best husband I can be and supporting her.


Here's the thing. You are being understood perfectly, you just aren't hearing what you want to hear. No, this is not a decent compromise for your wife. You can avoid lying by simply not doing it. Its that simple.

As for not wanting to hurt your family, you did that when you started screwing other women. What you want to avoid is having to face the consequences of hurting your family. 

I hate to break it to you OP, but you are not special and unusual. You are saying things that most typical cheaters say, and everyone here has seen it a million times before you. "Oh I can't hurt her by telling her". Well, you hurt her by cheating on her. Informing her of that choice might hurt YOU. YOU don't want to own up to it all, and chances are you want to ask for an open relationship so you can avoid having to tell her about the cheating. It will all catch up to you.

Sorry, but didn't I see in another thread that you are a military man? If so, is all this because you are worried she will go to your COC with your infidelity?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Fallen, pretty interesting topics you have brought up!! I've already told you as far as confessing don't do it, but that advice was under some assumptions that you clearly are not doing. I still say so many things in life are best left unsaid and confessing a ONS or fling that is meaningless that you truly are sorry for is one of them. There are many things in life that in principle or great in theory, but the application usual sucks, and this is one of them. If my wife had a ONS or fling and was truly sorry I WOULD NOT WANT TO KNOW why would I? If she was sorry, knew she was clean, and committed to me don't screw up my life forever because of your guilt. I could go on and on just don't confess imo!

Same goes for that commonly preached "exposure" tactic on this site another archaic way of performing surgery with a hatchet versus a scalpel. 

So getting back on topic now it is a open marriage? Judging by your wife's response to the EA I would sincerely doubt that this would be a avenue she would be willing to take.

I don't demonize the lifestyle and know alot about it. I worked with not 1, but 2 couples that "swing" and both are still married one couple for over 10 years in fact!! So, it definitely can be done........I've had many talks with them too.

I totally understand being married and having playtime.......it makes sense and some couples can compartmentalize the act and really let it go as "fun" while sex with the spouse is "loving" and meaningful. Both swinging couples I know say their marriage is much stronger than a conventional one because they are truly honest with each other and allow the other to have fun in a honest, open, communicative enviroment versus the typical lies and hiding that traditional marriage struggle with. That they love their partner so much they let them indulge in pleasures to see them enjoy sex versus locked in a confines a typical marriage. It's pretty hard for most to understand or wrap their arms around........it just proves how different we all are. 



You have to understand the mentality of the most posters here it leans towards 1 type of mindset only. I would like to add that if you truly have "demons" therapy may be a good thing. I don't personally believe in it for myself, but have seen some people reap some rewards from it. 

Best of luck!! Whatever you do wait until the baby is born and healthy before saying anything.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If your wife was even remotely interested/into an open relationship, you would know it by now. You also wouldn't have kept your cheating from her. You hid it because you know it's a violation of her trust in you.

I'm sure by conversations with your wife in the past about sex (assuming you do have them) she's made it clear to you she's a one man type of woman. Let me know if I'm off base here, I can take it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FallenMan said:


> There have been other incidents of unfaithfulness on my part. *Since I was in my early/mid 20s I've been unfaithful in almost every relationship *


Interesting. SInce you made it sound like in your original thread that YOU were the one who got cheated on by every single woman you've ever been with (except for your wife) and that is what has made you cheat so much--that you are so broken and do this because of what happened to you in your past.

Playa, please. 




that_girl said:


> Does it matter how old he is?


No. But I was curious so I asked.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

While my H was having his EA/ PA at one point I was so desperate not to lose him that for a split second I considered if I could live in an open marriage. The answer was a resounding no. If you wife is left with a grain of strength when you tell her everything you have been up to I hope she says no too. Having an open marriage is something you decide on before you commit to a manogomous (sp?) one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Having an open marriage is something you decide on before you commit to a manogomous (sp?) one.


Not necessarily. I believe that life brings changes. Certainly my marriage changed rather dramatically at the 10 year mark. Agreements can always be updated _if both parties are willing_.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I think y'all are misunderstanding what I wrote. I just said I was uncomfortable with my wife sleeping with other people. I didn't say she couldn't. It wouldn't be much of an open marriage if it was only open for me. *All I was saying is it might be kind of hard for me to accept MY wife with someone else. *But if we were to have an open marriage where I was with someone else it would only be fair for my wife to have that same option. I feel like some of you are twisting my words to make it seem like I want an open marriage where I can be active with others and my wife cannot. I never said that.


:rofl:
May be you should inform her you already "opened" the marriage and she has alot of lost time to make up for. She doen't even have the opportunity to know how she feels about it know does she. OH yea thats right its all about you.

Lets face it, your a selfish ass and will never change and don't love you wife more than you love yourself. You give her no respect and don't deserve her.Own it and man up


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> Not necessarily. *I believe that life brings changes*. Certainly my marriage changed rather dramatically at the 10 year mark. Agreements can always be updated _if both parties are willing_.


I believe the bolded as well.

BUT

I'm going to bet that Fallen's wife will NOT be happy to participate with such a request. Especially after having this baby. In my experience, the people I've known to swing are generally older (meaning kids are older or grown and gone) or young and childless.

Just the idea that I would need to find a sitter for my 5 month old so that the hubs and I can go get our freak on would turn me way off.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

As I said in my first post I was just exploring options and I thought this might be a good fit for us. I've thought about it some more and I have pretty deep reservations about my wife being with someone else and I don't think she would go for it. I tried to bring it up as a hypothetical and she was very cold towards the idea. Its probably not for us. I'm going to work harder and try to be the husband she deserves.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

FallenMan said:


> As I said in my first post I was just exploring options and I thought this might be a good fit for us. I've thought about it some more and I have pretty deep reservations about my wife being with someone else and I don't think she would go for it. I tried to bring it up as a hypothetical and she was very cold towards the idea. Its probably not for us. I'm going to work harder and try to be the husband she deserves.


That is HILARIOUS. You have some reservations about HER sleeping with other people, while you have been doing exactly that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Really??? UFB!!! Your wife is about to have a baby, recovering from discovering your EA, has no fvcking clue how bad the truth really is and you actually floated the notion of an open marriage to her?!?! Now!!! Wow. 

You have no clue man. Just none at all.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

I get it. I can't help my feelings. I know it makes me look like a total hypocrite. Maybe I am. That was my main issue with the idea of an open marriage and the more I think about it I couldn't handle it. 

I didn't ask her for an open marriage. I mentioned it with a hypothetical and once she expressed distaste I backed off. I shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I'm trying to help her cope and I won't mention anything like it again.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Then stop focusing on how you can get some strange and start focusing on the disasters you have created in your marriage. I will caution you with this: She already knows about the EA. You are giving her what is known as "trickle truth" by not confessing the entire truth. This will make her healing 400 times harder and longer. Just FYI. Everything you do between now and telling her the WHOLE truth is going to be a lie in her eyes. As a matter of fact, she will consider your whole marriage/relationship a lie.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I definitely think you should tell her about these thoughts. 

Hopefully, she will kick your sorry butt to the curb. That way, you can go out and live the single life you want and she won't be stuck with a jerk who is going to expose her to STDs and heartbreak. 

If you can't be monogamous, then be honest and tell her so. She deserves to know the truth about the person who made her that promise in the first place. If you want to be with her, then get counseling for your fear of commitment. 

By the way, it is totally ludicrous to think that it's okay for you to have other partners but not for her to have them. You've got a serious double standard here and that's your main problem. Why should you be allowed the privilege of indulging your weaknesses just because you acknowledge that you have them, while she be expected to maintain a higher standard just because she is not as weak as you? That's absurd.

I would so like to say a lot of things here that are just not polite. Would you want someone to treat your mother, sister, or daughter the way you are currently treating your wife? What would you tell such a woman to do if she told you her husband was in this situation? Be the man your wife deserves and if you are too much of a coward to be that man, then please let her go because she deserves better.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

OP: Some people are not suited for marriage, eg. YOU.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

DawnD said:


> Then stop focusing on how you can get some strange and start focusing on the disasters you have created in your marriage. I will caution you with this: She already knows about the EA. You are giving her what is known as "trickle truth" by not confessing the entire truth. This will make her healing 400 times harder and longer. Just FYI. Everything you do between now and telling her the WHOLE truth is going to be a lie in her eyes. As a matter of fact, she will consider your whole marriage/relationship a lie.


And each time she learns you have lied in some fashion, it will start the heeling all over for your wife, or she might just say fvck this and leave if she is strong willed or has enough resources to leave. (that's another subject so I won't go there). 

Fallen - my H lied to me about sleeping with a woman (I knew he did it because his story was just stupid, he just lied to me about it and I couldn't prove otherwise), the truth didn't come out until a year later when it had to. That whole year was a waste as far as our reconciliation was concerned. 

Don't think your wife doesn't suspect other things.. She just doesn't have solid proof and her suspicions alone will destroy a lot of aspects of your marriage. I resent my H much of the time and he knows why... Sometimes when I look at him or he's trying to tell me something, I have a hard time listening to him because he's been nothing but a liar for 4 years. My H is working on himself. I don't know if it's too late and if my desire for him is completely destroyed, I'm trying to figure that out now. But that will happen to you and your wife may not be as naive as I am, or as desperate as I am to keep my family in tact, or she just may not have the resources to leave you.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Cherry said:


> And each time she learns you have lied in some fashion, it will start the heeling all over for your wife, or she might just say fvck this and leave if she is strong willed or has enough resources to leave. (that's another subject so I won't go there).
> 
> Fallen - my H lied to me about sleeping with a woman (I knew he did it because his story was just stupid, he just lied to me about it and I couldn't prove otherwise), the truth didn't come out until a year later when it had to. That whole year was a waste as far as our reconciliation was concerned.
> 
> Don't think your wife doesn't suspect other things.. She just doesn't have solid proof and her suspicions alone will destroy a lot of aspects of your marriage. I resent my H much of the time and he knows why... Sometimes when I look at him or he's trying to tell me something, I have a hard time listening to him because he's been nothing but a liar for 4 years. My H is working on himself. I don't know if it's too late and if my desire for him is completely destroyed, I'm trying to figure that out now. But that will happen to you and your wife may not be as naive as I am, or as desperate as I am to keep my family in tact, or she just may not have the resources to leave you.


Another great example of not confessing. Yes in your instance he was found out!! Now just imagine if you never did? The suspicion would wain and the trust would rebuild even if not completely. 

It's worth the risk if the WS is truly sorry.........yes I know that's a oxymoron, but I really believe many things are much better left unsaid.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

O.M.G. :rofl::lol::rofl:

No offense, FallenMan, having posted some choice words in your other thread a while back, you nearly made me pee my pants laughing at your new one.


Okay, you asked everyone what they thought; so here is my vote: PLEASE ask her for an open marriage.


She was clearly thrilled that you had an EA. You are clearly afraid of revealing your MANY past infidelities to her. You're pretty sure she'll divorce you if she finds out, and that is why you're such a chicken sh*t you'll never tell her. (Coward.)




So PLEASE ask her for an open marriage. It would make my day.


(Sotto voce to everyone else: maybe now his wife will truly understand the man she married, and leave him to other poor suckers who, god forbid, stumble into his path.)


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Another great example of not confessing. Yes in your instance he was found out!! Now just imagine if you never did? The suspicion would wain and the trust would rebuild even if not completely.
> 
> It's worth the risk if the WS is truly sorry.........yes I know that's a oxymoron, but I really believe many things are much better left unsaid.


I am beginning to think confessing is the worst option possible for me and us. It would hurt her so much and if there is a chance it can stay in the past then it might be for the best. I am fully committed to my wife and our family. We have a two year old and a baby on the way. Its not worth wrecking our family. I've been the best husband I can since she learned of the EA. I am going to spend every day making sure she knows I love her and only her. 

I know people here think the worst of me. I'm not some monster. I made mistakes and I hate myself for doing what I did. I know it can never happen again and it won't. I will change for my wife and family. 

Also I updated this thread and said the open-marriage was just an idea and it wouldn't work for us. I have some issues and my wife expressed disgust when I brought it up so its not going to happen. Its for the best.


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I am beginning to think confessing is the worst option possible for me and us. It would hurt her so much and if there is a chance it can stay in the past then it might be for the best. I am fully committed to my wife and our family. We have a two year old and a baby on the way. Its not worth wrecking our family. I've been the best husband I can since she learned of the EA. I am going to spend every day making sure she knows I love her and only her.
> 
> I know people here think the worst of me. I'm not some monster. I made mistakes and I hate myself for doing what I did. I know it can never happen again and it won't. I will change for my wife and family.
> 
> Also I updated this thread and said the open-marriage was just an idea and it wouldn't work for us. I have some issues and my wife expressed disgust when I brought it up so its not going to happen. Its for the best.


Get a test on your kid. May be she found out at its not yours. One can hope.


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## FallenMan (Apr 24, 2012)

MominMayberry said:


> Get a test on your kid. May be she found out at its not yours. One can hope.


What the hell are you talking about? I have ZERO doubts about the paternity of my son. I think maybe you posted on the wrong thread.


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> What the hell are you talking about? I have ZERO doubts about the paternity of my son. I think maybe you posted on the wrong thread.


I can hope she cheated on you as you in marriage. I hope she found love with some one else. You laugh at every body and you should get the same.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I have heard the folks that are encouraging me to come clean to my wife. It is a tough decision with huge implications for *our marriage *


Here is the ROOT problem in your thinking, FallenMan, you don't HAVE a marriage....you have TWO marriages!

*FallenMan's marriage:* wife, 2yo, baby on the way, countless sex partners, ex-lovers, flings, ONS, etc., investing time, emotions, money, energy on other adult women, leaving LESS time, money, energy for wife and child, sneaking around, lying about where he's been, who he's been with, what he's been doing, concentrating his efforts on himself and his pleasure

*Mrs. FallenMan's marriage:* husband 2yo, baby on the way, investing time, emotions, money, energy on husband and child building a future together as a family, concentrating her efforts on the family unit

Now, how you gonna reconcile those TWO marriages into ONE?

There is only ONE WAY to reconcile those two, and that is by telling your wife EVERYTHING about who you are, who you were in the past (including being unfaithful during ALL previous relationships) and WHO YOU *WANT* TO BE. 

Only then will you both be looking at the same thing.
Only then can you BOTH decide if you want to fix/heal your relationship.
Only then can your WIFE make a truly informed decision about what is in HER best interest and the best interest of your children. You CLAIM *that* is what you want! How can she make any decisions when she's viewing the marriage with gauze on her eyes...seeing ONLY what YOU present? But, that's your fear isn't it? That she WON'T choose to remain with you.

YOU don't get to decide for her! YOU don't get to make unilateral decisions that involve her and your children. If YOU want a *MARRIAGE*, then start treating your wife like a PARTNER...someone who makes the decisions WITH YOU, not someone who is controlled (by outright lies and lack of truth) and told how things are going to be....like a child. 

Man up! And tell your wife the TRUTH, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Might she dump your azz? Hell yes, you already know that....that's why you've been avoiding telling her. Might she forgive your lies and decide to work on the marriage for the sake of your children? Maybe, but you won't know if you don't tell her.

Without TRUTH and her FORGIVENESS, all the counseling in the world isn't going to make you feel better. It may stop the behavior, but deep inside you'll realize that your wife 'loves' a stranger (not you), but it will be on your head...because YOU'VE never LET HER love YOU.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> Another great example of not confessing. Yes in your instance he was found out!! Now just imagine if you never did? The suspicion would wain and the trust would rebuild even if not completely.
> 
> It's worth the risk if the WS is truly sorry.........yes I know that's a oxymoron, but I really believe many things are much better left unsaid.


Sorry, can't imagine if I never found out, I did find out and that was the moral of my story. I could scoot around TAM picking out stories and play the IF game all day long. But MY point is IT WILL BE THAT MUCH WORSE WHEN SHE FINDS OUT, as it was in my story.

Fallen, please take a good look at yourself and what you are doing to your precious family. I know you say you've stopped being unfaithful for the most part --- could you go for a 100%? None of us know what your marriage boundaries are or should be.. but I think its safe to say you have at least one common boundary amongst spouses and that is not hurting your spouse intentionly. If you know that what you are doing will hurt your spouse, you are hurting her intentionly. I think you need to start there. Work on resisting temptation... I know its all around! I'm bi, so I have it coming from both angles . And I'm pretty vulnerable to at least an EA if I don't control myself.

Good luck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> I still say so many things in life are best left unsaid and confessing a ONS or fling that is meaningless that you truly are sorry for is one of them. If my wife had a ONS or fling and was truly sorry I WOULD NOT WANT TO KNOW why would I? If she was sorry, knew she was clean, and committed to me don't screw up my life forever because of your guilt.


This is a different situation. He is a SERIAL cheater. She should know, because he doesn't stop doing it. 6 PA's and an EA?? That isn't something that is fair to keep to himself only because at that point it is a lifestyle for him, not a bad choice one night.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

DawnD said:


> This is a different situation. He is a SERIAL cheater. She should know, because he doesn't stop doing it. 6 PA's and an EA?? That isn't something that is fair to keep to himself only because at that point it is a lifestyle for him, not a bad choice one night.


And that is the path my H was on. He had cheated on all his gf's in life... Why would I be any different  He had been able to walk away from his previous relationships.. this time its different for him... He's got a lot riding on his actions, and his decision to cheat or not cheat again. 

Fallen, I was unaware of my H's past when I married him... I don't know everything he did up until what I know and feel to be the last time he betrayed me or attempted to. I don't know if I want to know everything, I know enough. He admits to being a dishonest spouse, up until a year ago. That's good enough for me. And now we both want a real marriage... We are ready to take things seriously . But I'll be honest, its proven to be quite the struggle as the betrayed spouse... Primarily because of trickle truth during the first four years combined with actively betraying me during that same time. He!!, he was actively searching/responding to personals WHILE we were in MC!! It was a crushing blow. 

Time will tell for us, for you too. But your future is what you make it. I think my H likes what he see's in our future, me too... It's taken some work, and will continue to, and I have faith.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Cherry said:


> And that is the path my H was on. He had cheated on all his gf's in life... Why would I be any different  He had been able to walk away from his previous relationships.. this time its different for him... He's got a lot riding on his actions, and his decision to cheat or not cheat again.
> 
> Fallen, I was unaware of my H's past when I married him... I don't know everything he did up until what I know and feel to be the last time he betrayed me or attempted to. I don't know if I want to know everything, I know enough. He admits to being a dishonest spouse, up until a year ago. That's good enough for me. And now we both want a real marriage... We are ready to take things seriously . But I'll be honest, its proven to be quite the struggle as the betrayed spouse... Primarily because of trickle truth during the first four years combined with actively betraying me during that same time. He!!, he was actively searching/responding to personals WHILE we were in MC!! It was a crushing blow.
> 
> Time will tell for us, for you too. But your future is what you make it. I think my H likes what he see's in our future, me too... It's taken some work, and will continue to, and I have faith.


 Glad to hear things are improving Cherry. My H had his one time affair. It was short lived (probably due to us moving). It amazes me how the cheaters can say " I was protecting you by lying to you!!" ha! Right! While I will give OhGeesh credit for helping me figure out my H's actions, I think he and I just fundamentally disagree. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where there are lies. We are still recovering from his lies 2.5 years later. No one said it was easy, but now I am operation with the truth instead of what he would have me believe was the truth.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

DawnD said:


> Glad to hear things are improving Cherry. My H had his one time affair. It was short lived (probably due to us moving). It amazes me how the cheaters can say " I was protecting you by lying to you!!" ha! Right! While I will give OhGeesh credit for helping me figure out my H's actions, I think he and I just fundamentally disagree. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where there are lies. We are still recovering from his lies 2.5 years later. No one said it was easy, but now I am operation with the truth instead of what he would have me believe was the truth.


Ideally, I think Fallen should let his W know he has not been faithful, or a good H for pretty much their entire marriage... Then let her start asking questions.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Let her leave!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I can't believe everyone is feeding this troll. Sorry, I'll leave now.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

> I can't believe everyone is feeding this troll. Sorry, I'll leave now.


This is my number one issue with this site. People call troll on everyone who they don't like. There is no reason to think the OP is not being honest. Is it that unbelievable that someone would have an affair and then be foggy? That is almost to be expected. 

Even if for some reason he isn't being honest the advice you give could be useful to someone who is just lurking. All saying someone is a troll does is shut down the discussion.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I posted recently about my wife learning of an emotional affair I was apart of. There have been other incidents of unfaithfulness on my part.


Look at the incredibly passive language you are using here. You have reduced your actions to a tiny part of this. You were not just a part of an emotional affair that happened, you HAD an affair. You actively pursued and perpetuated a relationship with someone other than your wife outside of the marriage even though you had made a commitment to your wife to not do such a thing. You chose to break a vow to some extent and it is part of a pattern of behavior, which you are also minimizing. You need to own up to your actions and consider why it is that you are minimizing your agency in these actions.

You should be saying, "My recent post explains that I cheated on my wife and she found out and..." You should be saying, "I have cheated on all my relationship partners in one way or another in the past and...". I know you're probably thinking, "why does it matter how I say it?", but the fact is that even your syntax demonstrates that you're not really facing or owning up to what you actually did; there's a defensiveness and an evasiveness about it like "Oh, somehow this thing happened and, oh, I guess I was kinda involved", but you won't fix anything at all if you take such an irresponsible stance on things. 

Recognize that your behavior was a choice (a bad one, one that you're not proud of and don't really want to keep making) and that it says something about you and what you want. Having a one-sided open marriage is like changing the label after the fact to make it seem like you didn't do anything wrong, to preserve your privilege without caring what it's done to someone else, like changing the rules of the game just to keep yourself in a winning position (at the expense of the other player in the game who is playing by the rules). You shouldn't be asking "can I just continue to cheat on my wife if I call it this other thing instead?" but, "am I capable of being committed and monogamous to this person? Do I want that?" And, if you would rather have a bunch of different women than this one, then divorce your wife and seek a life of womanizing. If, however, you want your wife more than casual connections, then figure out why it is that you are sabotaging your closeness and connection to someone who matters to you. 

Good, bad, or ugly, you acted in this way and you acknowledge a pattern of doing so; it's negatively impacting your life, so instead of excusing it because you're too lazy or afraid or reluctant to change it, just figure out why you are doing these things and then what that means for what you want in your life. If you make a commitment, you have to mean it. A good counselor should help you sort out these issues.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

FallenMan said:


> I am beginning to think confessing is the worst option possible for me and us. It would hurt her so much and if there is a chance it can stay in the past then it might be for the best. I am fully committed to my wife and our family. We have a two year old and a baby on the way. Its not worth wrecking our family. I've been the best husband I can since she learned of the EA. I am going to spend every day making sure she knows I love her and only her.



Meaning, it would be in the best interest of you. You don't risk losing anything and your family doesn't find out that you're a deceitful coward. Your family is a sham because you're lying and this happy family illusion you're trying to preserve by lying about your actions is ruining the possibility of something better. By not facing any consequences, you're likely to do this again to your wife sometime down the road. 

Being ashamed of yourself and wanting to do the right thing isn't enough for you because you have a pattern of infidelity and you need to understand WHY that pattern exists or you can't break it.



FallenMan said:


> I know people here think the worst of me. I'm not some monster. I made mistakes and I hate myself for doing what I did. I know it can never happen again and it won't. I will change for my wife and family.


People make mistakes and that's not the end of the world, but....you're trying to evade responsibility for yours. You're just trying to pretend it never happened, but that won't work. If you don't figure out why it happened, it will happen again. Making a mistake doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means that those actions were bad. Unfortunately, you have a pattern of those mistakes and choosing to ignore that makes you complicit in the harm your ignorance will be causing in the future.

So you're too afraid to admit the truth to your wife. Acknowledge that. You don't want to tell her because you might lose her. By maintaining the illusion, you can pretend everything is just fine and the problem has gone away. But...it hasn't. If you're not going to be honest with her (which is, by the way, a cowardly move; any betrayed spouse will say that the cheating was nowhere near as painful as the deception that covered it up, whereas honesty means you care enough to be accountable and to fix what you broke, which is brave), then at least get into counseling ASAP to try and figure out why you've done this horrible thing to this person that you claim to love. Hopefully you won't do it again, but if you don't deal with it, it's a near guarantee that you'll do this again.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're just not marriage material. Let her go.


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