# Emotional infidelity



## Germaine (Mar 15, 2013)

Hi, this is all very raw for me I found out my husband has feelings for a women he has been messaging in America we live in the UK. I still feel just as betrayed as if it had been a sexual relationship I know because it happened in my previous relationship. What is hurting the most is the fact that he says needed space to think what he wants so I packed him off to his parents 3 weeks ago, although he denies it I know he is still in contact with this women. How long do I wait for him to decided what he wants, he knows ultimately if he does want to come back I could say no, but I don't want to force the issue because I will always be wondering what would he have decided if I had given him the time that he needs.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

please read the newbie link in my signature

also download and read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass


he's done this before and continues to do this, therefore since he clearly isn't coming out of the fog on his own then you must set the gears in motion by filing for divorce and start exposing to friends, family and the OW's husbands if you can


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

start here read almostrecovered's link
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Take the time to read it, really read it........

Can you expand on exactly what happened? will give posters a better idea on how to respond.


A/R beat me to it...


----------



## Germaine (Mar 15, 2013)

We have been married for 15 years and very happy totally devoted to each other we've had our ups and downs but we've always worked through them together. He's always had body issues and be has periods where he cannot see how lucky we are I.e good jobs, nice home, our health. His body issues I have always said if he cuts out the beer, workout problem solved but I have always assured him I love him just the way he is but I will support him. In January he decided to give up the beer and stated doing workouts on a forum equivalent to Facebook,where people challenge others to workouts etc that's when he got hooked up with this women and gas got obsessed with wirking out. He has told me I have done nothing wrong and it is all him but she makes him smile,boosted his ego,flatters him and he is enjoying the attention thus has been a kick in the teeth because I have always been there for him and as soon as he gets confidence in himself he turns to someone else and to say he has feelings for her. Because our marriage was so sincere I sensed something was missing something was different and now I know it was because he has feelings for her, I asked him if she was here would up you have slept with her and he said yes.


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Well in good ole affair land it rains puppies & kittens and they get to ride unicrons around all day, they pump one another up, sun is awlays shining when thier around...it's called the "Fog" it's like a drug, which it is, the chemicals in the brain over ride rational thinking..They never get to see the bad side of the other person, what they look like when thier sick or having a bad day, not worries in affair land

Affairs thirve on secracy and thrills, once the little ballon is blown up by exposure, threat of divorce etc its hard to maintain it all with everything crashing down around you..

Read the link, come up with a plan that will work for you, others will be telling you things that you will think are the exact opposite of what you should be doing, but thier 100% spot on...
You cant nice someone out of an affair, will not work, dont beg, plead or cry to him, if you do you will look weak.

You can get thru this, you can, it may seem like the world is ending and your going to die, but isnt and you wont.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

File for D and have the papers served. Can you identify who the other woman is? Can you expose her to others? You should make sure your friends and your families know what is going on.

He needs to get out of this fog and you need to shake him hard. I think you are done waiting


----------



## Germaine (Mar 15, 2013)

No I don't know who she is I only know she lives in Utah, has 3 kids and going through a divorce. He says her husband is being horrible and he's helping her through it, damn cheek he should be concentrating on his own failed marriage!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Germaine said:


> No I don't know who she is I only know she lives in Utah, has 3 kids and going through a divorce. He says her husband is being horrible and he's helping her through it, damn cheek he should be concentrating on his own failed marriage!


Demand her contact details and contact her. Tell her what he is doing to you.

Then insist he cancels his membership on the forum.

Out him to his parents.

Demand that he has individual counselling.

Insist on couple's counselling.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Germaine said:


> Hi, this is all very raw for me I found out my husband has feelings for a women he has been messaging in America we live in the UK. I still feel just as betrayed as if it had been a sexual relationship I know because it happened in my previous relationship. What is hurting the most is the fact that he says needed space to think what he wants so I packed him off to his parents 3 weeks ago, although he denies it I know he is still in contact with this women. *How long do I wait for him to decided what he wants, he knows ultimately if he does want to come back I could say no, but I don't want to force the issue* because I will always be wondering what would he have decided if I had given him the time that he needs.


The longer you let this go, the more likely your marriage will not survive.

If you don't want to force the issue, I think you are doomed. He will not end it on his own. He expects unconditional love from you. He expects you to accept him no matter what.

His relationship with the other woman is all fantasy. None of life's harsh realities intrude, no chores, no cleaning the bathroom, no picking up his underwear off the floor. Just "you're so sexy" and "I love you." You can't compete with that, no one could.

You would expect him to realize how the whole thing is based in fantasy and how foolish he is to throw away a 15-year marriage for a virtual stranger 10,000 miles away.

If you want him back, you will have to fight for it. You have to break up the affair. You will not be able to be "extra nice" to him to convince him.

The first step would be to ask him to move back home, but only under the condition that he cease contact, handwrite a no contact letter and let you read it and mail it, give up all passwords and let you monitor to restore your trust. If he won't do these things, file for divorce and see it that wakes him up. If not, do you really want to stay married to him?

You are in a state of endless pain right now. I am telling you that it won't end unless you take some action to end it.

Do you have kids?


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Read my post history. Spouse had similar situation, online love separated by thousands of miles and doses of reality. It's pure fantasy and when you take yourself out of the picture, they find that fantasy virtual lover of the online type can't fulfill them. No hugs, kisses, dates, laughs or any shared experiences. What are they going to do, Skype their first nature hike???? It so pathetic yet so many marriages break up over pixels and BS. 


Do a hard knock of reality. It has no legs to stand on but only if you quit propping it up. Exposé and bust....like now!!!
Out them on their board, that's embarrassing too.


----------



## redwing_10 (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't know about all cases, but I think that infidelity with men is not about sex, usually. I think what happens first is the woman gives the man respect. That makes men feel good. And I think once a man feels good this way about a person who respects him, then it becomes sexual. 

Of course the issue is... you have lived with this person for x many years... you know the good side and the bad side of the man. You may not hold him in such high esteem now as you once did when you met. I don't know.

All I can say is try to respect him in ways that he needs. Sure he messes up a lot doing stupid things, saying stupid things, etc. But if he is supporting your family and really trying to bust his ass to do the right things, even though he fails a lot... respect the fact that he gets up every day.....walks to the plate...and starts swinging at pitches....and desptite the fact that he might strike out a lot, he still gets up everyday, goes to the plate and swings at the pitches the world throws his way. Make sure you let him know how much you apprectiate his efforts for the family. 

I am not saying this will fix anything, but for sure, if you don't do this in some way, shape or fashion, the first person that comes along and offers some type of respect or admiration, is a an invitation to letting some other person meet that need..if only temporary. 

Of course, a man should know this weakness, and avoid situations that might make this more possible...


----------

