# Should I give up on him proposing?



## r91 (Nov 30, 2014)

My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year & a half. Starting at 6 months, I'd ask if this was serious for him. He's always said "I love you, I know I want to marry you & start a family with you, when the timing is right I'll propose, you never have to worry about where this is going. If I weren't serious about you I wouldn't be with you." He asked me to move in with him & said he loves me (he's never done those things for any other girl, even after 3 years of dating), goes home for the holidays with me & my family. But now I'm getting annoyed about waiting too long for a ring. I'll ask, "Do you intend to propose within the next year or much longer than that? Because I don't want to sit around waiting for 5 years, it makes me feel like you don't value me enough to do something as simple as get a ring." He'll say "I've given you my commitment, I will propose when the time is right, I'm just not ready quite yet," but won't answer the question about a specific time frame. Says he has to fly home and announce to his family (abroad) that he plans to propose before he does so... because he hasn't seen them in 10 years and it'd be "disrespectful" to get married without first having the chance to tell them in person. He is planning a trip this summer to see them. I just don't know how long to hang around and wait when he won't answer questions about specific time frames.

He says if I have to get engaged right now, then we might be better going our separate ways since he's not ready yet and I'm constantly pushing for it. I said "If you tell me you want to wait multiple more years to propose, then that'll solve the problem right now, since I won't be on board with that & I'll leave you." But he won't say that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Two things...

1. Christmas is right around the corner and I understand this is a perfect opportunity to make a marriage proposal. So hang on till after Christmas.

2. What's stopping you from proposing? If you know you want to marry this guy. Why not ask him to marry you? That way, you have your answer and can move forward planning the wedding or move forward planning a life without him.

People generally react poorly to being pressured. If you know you want to marry this guy this would mean you understand his need/desire to come to these kind of decisions on his own AND his dislike for feeling pressured.

So back off on pressuring him to do what you want him to do whether or not he is ready. Instead focus on what you want ultimately. And that is to marry this guy, right?

How does a woman propose to a man?

"I love you so much I can't wait to start our lives together as husband and wife and want us to get married. Will you marry me?" If he says yes, start talking dates. If he says no, then start moving out. If he says yes but not right now, start moving out.


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## r91 (Nov 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> If he says yes but not right now, start moving out.


This is my struggle, I just don't know how long is reasonable for me to wait. I'm just worried he will never do it. But shouldn't he realize that it will be less & less fun for him to keep me hanging around, living with him, over time, because I won't drop the marriage issue? That's what makes me think he will eventually propose. Otherwise I'd think he would just break up with me now, if he knew he never wantd marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm... Same user, new profile?

In any case, stop pressuring, and either accept that he'll propose if/when he's ready, or move on. Engagements forced on someone build resentments.

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

r91 said:


> This is my struggle, I just don't know how long is reasonable for me to wait. I'm just worried he will never do it. But shouldn't he realize that it will be less & less fun for him to keep me hanging around, living with him, over time, because I won't drop the marriage issue? That's what makes me think he will eventually propose. Otherwise I'd think he would just break up with me now, if he knew he never wantd marriage.


Sweetheart, take it from aunt pink. You want your man to propose, packed bags tends to light that fire. So zip it on bugging him about proposing. If, come the new year, your finger remains naked, zip it up and move out!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You're going to pressure and push this guy right out of your life. 

Why are you in a hurry to get married? Dating for a year and a half isn't really that long. It sounds like you are more interested in a ring and marriage than being with your bf. Maybe it's coming across that way to your bf, too, which would actually be another reason making him want to wait.

You haven't even met his family...why don't you go home with him to meet them and learn more about who your bf is and where he comes from and the kind of people and culture he was raised in? Maybe that will help you understand how he thinks and what kind of family life he envisions.

Have you discussed the kind of life both of you are expecting to have if you marry? Do you agree on children, whether you (or he) will stay at home with the kids or work, money issues and how you will manage financial matters, religious differences and expectations, where you want to live long term, etc.? Those are the kinds of things you need to agree on before getting married. Those are also the kinds of things...dreaming together of your future...that bond people. Instead of "when are you going to propose to me?" maybe focus on dreaming together.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

r91 said:


> This is my struggle, I just don't know how long is reasonable for me to wait. I'm just worried he will never do it. *But shouldn't he realize that it will be less & less fun for him to keep me hanging around, living with him, over time, because I won't drop the marriage issue? That's what makes me think he will eventually propose.* Otherwise I'd think he would just break up with me now, if he knew he never wantd marriage.


Oh, no, that's more likely to make him think he doesn't want to marry you than to propose. Why would he propose to someone, why would he decide to spend the rest of his life with someone who is making his life miserable now? That's just a sign to him of how miserable you will make him every time you don't get what you want immediately. That makes guys run.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

How old are the both of you?

My husband and I dated for 6 years before he asked me to marry him but then we started dating right after high school. No way were we ready for marriage after dating a year and half. 

Personally I don't believe in pressuring a man to get married. That's not the way I want my marriage to start. I want him to ask me to marry him because he want's to be with me not because I gave him an ultimatum.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How old are the two of you?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Don't wait another day.

Start packing your bags, the first of the month is tomorrow.

You are not marriage material right now and he knows it.

Maybe you'll be when you grow up to the point of not whining about what you think you're missing instead of enjoying the time you have now.

That could be a year, five, maybe never...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You have different ideas on when things should happen in a relationship. I understand that. I had very specific ideas in mind when I started dating my husband. Six months I gave him, in my head, to propose. I had no intention of getting into another "Long Term Relationship". I didn't want Mr. 5-10yrs, I wanted Mr. Forever. Plus, if we were going to have kids, there were biological clocks ticking. Thing is, these time lines weren't necessary once we got to know each other. In reality I would've just waited as long as it took because I knew he didn't want to wait, he felt the same way about me as I felt about him... make sense? It wasn't the engagement part that proved it to me. I knew long before then.

Personally, I wouldn't want an engagement where I feel I'm holding a gun to his head. Why do you?

Already he's talking of just 'going your separate ways'... Mr. Forever doesn't say that sort of thing to his Mrs. Forever. Honestly, I think he's chosen you because you are near enough to being good enough to marry, but his heart is not in it. He's decided on it, but he's putting it off. I think you'll get your ring eventually if you stop pushing, but I think you'll have a lacklustre marriage with a guy you'll forever be chasing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I always feel a little sad when getting a ring (or not giving one) is more important than the relationship. 

Men sometimes want to feel like they have enough stability to provide a good life for their loved one. He might need to believe that he can give you a certain kind of life, and if he can't, he won't be as good a partner. 

This is honorable and responsible, and if this is his real reason, then I'd encourage you to keep waiting as long as he's sincerely working toward that. 

BUT... 

If he isn't especially looking for career improvements, or if he's unreliable frequently, then it might be time to set a deadline of your own. "Honey, I am looking for a committed relationship for my life and this feels like the right one in most ways, but I'm looking for someone who can decide to commit within ___ years. If we're not compatible on this, I understand."

Personally, I think that a year and a half *is* too soon to put this pressure on him. If you're meant to be together forever, why are you in a race for him to marry you? Do you not believe him?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> Personally, I think that a year and a half *is* too soon to put this pressure on him. If you're meant to be together forever, why are you in a race for him to marry you? Do you not believe him?


I think the OP knows he's not really all that into her. People know, even if they won't admit to themselves, what's going on in the heart of their partner. I think she's pushing for the ring because she's knows how tenuous their connection is and she wants some guarantees that he won't just dump her as soon as something better comes along. If he's married, she has stability, she can relax.

Problem is OP, if you don't have your man before the ring, you don't have him after. Look at the Coping With Infidelity forum. Marriage is no guarantee. Promises are no guarantee.

Having the time frame from the start is a good indicator for YOU, not HIM. You are using it the wrong way. It's a way to filter out the guys who you aren't sure are really that into you. Already you've ignored your own security system. It's deafening and the lights are blinking. You put it in place for a reason, because you weren't sure you were able to tell who was Mr. Forever from who was Mr. Whatever. I think it's a good security system. Fantastic even, because when Mr. Forever comes along, it just automatically turns off.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I hope to god your guy sees you for what you are and does a runner, 18 months and you want marriage???? Jeez


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Together approximately 18 months, he isn't ready to get engaged, and you already have resentments and a power struggle on your hands.

You want to get engaged now. He does not. He has given you an answer. Quit pushing it. 

Frankly, I wouldn't want to marry anyone who started pushing for it after just 18 months. 

Sure, some people meet and know the minute they lock glances it will work out. But that is extremely rare and the stuff of which fairy tales are made.

If I was in your position, I would move on. Heck, you already sound unhappy with the choices he's making. Imagine what it will be like when you get married.

This one doesn't sound promising at all ... Not. One. Damn. Bit.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lol wow some of the advice here. 

I will just share this story and you can take it what you will. I was with my last girlfriend and loved her very much. Year in she was doing much what you are doing. Constant pressure to get married and move forward. What started as one conversation Turned to weekly conversations then weekly arguments. Finally I came to the conclusion she was more interested in getting married than she was me. The constant arguments and me telling her how I felt fell on deaf ears. I told her if she would stop hounding me about it and just concentrate on being a good GF she would get everything she wanted. But she couldn't let it go and we broke up.

Here is the truth. I would have purposed to her had she not pressured me about it. I honestly wanted to be with her but her pouty nature about it drove me crazy.Her excuse was she Would treat me better if I made a commitment lol, umm no

She married some other guy 6 months later so obviously my gut instinct on her was right. 

Now all this being said if you don't want to wait then by all means go. But as a guy I can tell you that being pressured for something we aren't ready for is a huge HUGE turn off. Make your decision but don't 
Pressure his.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nobody else is seeing roses919191 in this post? Is this you, roses? 

C


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If I were you, I would just move on, OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too would like to know how old you two are.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Nobody else is seeing roses919191 in this post? Is this you, roses?
> 
> C


Ding..ding. You beat me to it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are you?

Why does getting married matter to you?

Do you work?

I wouldn't ever mention marriage to him again. Work on being happy. If you are happy, he'll be happy to be around you.

Have you read about the 180? Rather than hassle him just gently reduce your emotional commitment, until you are ready to break it off.

What sort of birth control do you practice? You can always get pregnant – you need not mention it to him. Let him notice. Single motherhood may not be ideal but sometimes the search for Mr Right fails and there is the eternal regret of not having a baby. You can have a baby and let him discover the meaning of life. Of course this requires that you have the means to succeed as a single mom.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Nobody else is seeing roses919191 in this post? Is this you, roses?
> 
> C


To be honest, I didn't read all of roses' posts. She seemed whiny.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Listen to what he is saying. He doesn't want to get married. If that is a deal breaker then move out. If he doesn't come after you he may not be all that in love with you. Then you move on.


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