# How to spot a cheater before marrying one



## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Cause once you're married, you've signed up for heartache for you and your kids. 

So, what were the warning signs - that maybe you were too inexperienced and hormonal to heed - that could have shown you what was coming up ahead: infidelity.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hmmm, I don't think there are any blatant signs, only situations where, statistically, the person will TEND to be more apt to cheating.

1. Mental disorders such as BPD, narcissism, etc.
2. If they're overly romantic in unrealistic ways
3. They have cheated in their past
4. They justify their poor actions or play the victim in scenarios
5. They are friends with cheaters with zero condemnation
6. (if older) They like to party or trying to rekindle their youth
7. Exhibit signs of MLC
8. They are insecure coupled with being very nostalgic of their youth
9. They come from a broken home, especially if there was cheating
10. They were sexually abused previously in their life.
11. They don't live by a "truth" style of remembering things but adapt histories to make themselves look better. (ever talk to someone and what they remember is VERY different than what actually happened, and how they remember it improves their situation regards to what happened. That's what I mean.)

Now none of these things are "guarantees" that the person will cheat. There are plenty of people who have gone through, or do the list above who'd NEVER cheat, but those are common traits that are found in cheaters.

My ex who cheated would check off 5 of those. My current wife who isn't a cheater would check off a half LOL.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

When their action do not match their words (regardless of the situation)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Hmmm, I don't think there are any blatant signs, only situations where, statistically, the person will TEND to be more apt to cheating.
> 
> *1. Mental disorders such as BPD, narcissism, etc.
> 2. If they're overly romantic in unrealistic ways.
> ...


Geez some of those fit me... came from a broken home, overly romantic (though I do keep my feet on the ground)...had a Mid life crisis, wanted to rekindle my youth (but with him- this helps!)...Nice list though! 

*I would add 2*...

*1. *Overly protective of Privacy...I would consider these waving







's

*2*. Loose boundaries with the opposite sex...and has no qualms with it, wants to push it back on you for being uptight /jealous.... More







's.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I would be suspicious of someone if all of their past relationships went bad because it was the other person's fault, not theirs.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Geez some of those fit me... came from a broken home, overly romantic (though I do keep my feet on the ground)...had a Mid life crisis, wanted to rekindle my youth (but with him- this helps!)...Nice list though!
> 
> *I would add 2*...
> 
> ...


Actually the same ones apply to me as well SA LOL, but that's why I added the "unrealistic ways" to the romantic part.

Excuse the gender example I'm about to give, but if a wife has an attentive husband who does special things for her, doesn't forget birthdays and anniversaries but she isn't satisfied because he doesn't do a specific thing her friends BF/H just did for instance.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can sometimes spot a cheater even before I've actually met or spoken to him. (I can't speak about women cheaters as well, I'm afraid.) But... before I post the signs, it's important to know that a person who is not a cheater can possess a characteristic from this list, too. If there are MANY characteristics from this list, though, I'd encourage paying attention... 

1. He's the life of party (sometimes genuinely, though it might only be in his own mind. He thinks he's cute, and if he's lucky, others do too).

2. He doesn't tell others about his wife/SO/girlfriend unless they ask or it's obvious (because he wears a ring.) If he does find himself talking about her, he speaks generically nice things, "Oh, yes, she'd a terrific lawyer" instead of "Oh, yes! Do you know, she won eighty percent of her cases last year?" This is probably because he's too self-absorbed to truly be interested in DETAILS of her life, but could also be because he just doesn't want YOU to know that he truly loves her and you're just the "other woman." 

3. In other areas of his life, he's more likely to find workarounds or "ask forgiveness instead of permission" rather than directly confront obstacles. New coworker that's being a jerk to him? Instead of talking to the boss or coworker, the cheating type is more likely to avoid the person, ask for a new office, or find a new job than to risk unpleasant confrontation. 

4. He demonstrates a significant need for attention from others. While everyone wants recognition, the cheaters I've known NEED it. 

5. His idea of "friendly" is a lot more permissive than your own. It's what YOU would be calling "flirty" or "inappropriate." 

6. He offers to play the hero to other females (fix that cabinet door, etc.) without consulting you first, but doesn't jump out to offer help to male friends just as quickly. 

7. He's private about his cell phone or carries two. He keeps password protection on his phone, e-mail, computer, etc. and doesn't want you to have access. 

8. He tells you that his "psycho" ex girlfriend accused him of cheating when he wasn't. 

9. He tells you he cheated. 

10. He tells you she cheated. And so did she. And so did that other one. 


Ok, those are the traits that immediately come to mind.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm screwed. Despite being faithful to total a**holes I come from a broken home, split from the various losers, and was abused as a child. I guess nobody will ever want to marry me. Serves them right for casting a wide net to catch the undesirables. 

I have to say I find reading these kinds of statistics very hurtful.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

Csquare said:


> Cause once you're married, you've signed up for heartache for you and your kids.
> 
> So, what were the warning signs - that maybe you were too inexperienced and hormonal to heed - that could have shown you what was coming up ahead: infidelity.


Beware of the borderline and histrionic cluster B and check out the others who can give you huge problems.

Most folks have small amounts of all the personality disorders but look for a pattern to known that they have a full personality disorder.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can sometimes spot a cheater even before I've actually met or spoken to him. (I can't speak about women cheaters as well, I'm afraid.) But... before I post the signs, it's important to know that a person who is not a cheater can possess a characteristic from this list, too. If there are MANY characteristics from this list, though, I'd encourage paying attention...
> 
> 1. He's the life of party (sometimes genuinely, though it might only be in his own mind. He thinks he's cute, and if he's lucky, others do too).
> 
> ...


Interesting list. I used to be a cheater (reason behind my username). The ones that fit me on your list are 1 and 9 and maybe even 4. 

I can't say I agree with number 3. I ran with a circle of male cheaters back then and confrontation avoidance wasn't exactly something I could see any of us doing. Most in my circle excelled in work and business, and even at church. We had no problems communicating at work and were rising leaders in our respective fields.

If I had the time I would post a list of the things I noticed about women cheaters. The one thing I noticed is that most of them are always dating a "loser". At least that's how they describe their mate. I don't know. On TAM we like to think that women who stray are coaxed into it by some player. Speaking from experience these women know exactly what they want and what they are looking for most of the time.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

theres no way to tell 

date for a good while. watch there actions. the longer your with someone the more they let their guard down. and if they start mimimizing your conserns or goals or opinions then move on.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Most serial cheaters don't really have "tells" like you'd expect. They don't come with warning labels. At least the successful ones. What I have found, though, are a few things which, if they occur all together, should be warnings to pay careful attention.

strong need for novelty
strong need for external validation or ego stroking
addictive personality
lack of empathy or emotional awareness
sense of entitlement
lack of boundaries and a lack of understanding or respect for others' boundaries


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> theres no way to tell
> 
> date for a good while. watch there actions. the longer your with someone the more they let their guard down. and if they start mimimizing your conserns or goals or opinions then move on.


:iagree:

There's almost no way to tell.

Before I was married , my ex was a very pretty , nice 
" goody two shoes" kinda girl.
That attracted me to her. She wasn't a " party girl" , flirty , secretive or anything like that, so I trusted her implicitly.

However she lived close to her ex boyfriend , and I had absolutely no problem with them being friends.

Until I found out they were _still_ having sex.

That boyfriend was also her first boyfriend, after I broke off with her , she went back to him. They eventually got married, and today, she's cheating on him.

That's why I'm convinced that ordinarily good people can sometimes fall into the bad habits of cheating if they have weak boundaries.

That was her problem.

Even today it is difficult for me to believe that she's now fully into that lifestyle


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

History history history.

His/Hers...... Has she ever cheated before? If so you can bet they have found a way to justify it
Family history....did either mother or father cheat? If yes they can have the attitude it's not that bad or everyone does it.

Finally I would be cautious of the overly religious types who view Sunday church as a get out of jail free card......you would be amazed at the crap people like his can justify


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Hmmm, I don't think there are any blatant signs, only situations where, statistically, the person will TEND to be more apt to cheating.
> 
> 1. Mental disorders such as BPD, narcissism, etc.
> 2. If they're overly romantic in unrealistic ways
> ...


Thanks for this post. I learned something new about the link between childhood sexual abuse and cheating. I know that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor for sexual addiction, which of course can lead to cheating if the addict is in a relationship.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> Thanks for this post. I learned something new about the link between childhood sexual abuse and cheating. I know that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor for sexual addiction, which of course can lead to cheating if the addict is in a relationship.


Don't believe everything you read.
I was severely abused in childhood and have never cheated.
Not even thought about it. 

Even in abusive relationships, I never sought to solve anything by using another person, I saw the door, I packed my bags, gathered up my kids and left. No man involved. 

I do think that having a history of abuse and really wanting a loving, trusting relationship makes one prone to being taken advantage of by cheaters, manipulators and other charlatans and low lifes. 

Again, I find these statistics hurtful.
It's like being bigoted and saying, well, black men make worse fathers, and are unemployable. Or, Chinese are really good at math. People, think about what you are saying. You are painting a very HORRIBLE picture of people who in their childhood had others sexually abuse them, when they could do nothing about it. And you are FURTHER VICTIMIZING them by saying in a PUBLIC FORUM about building good marriages, that these people are INCAPABLE of being trustworthy and not cheating in a marriage. 

People who are saying this are bigoted, prejudiced and unless they have themselves been abused in childhood, don't have a clue what they're talking about.

They may have been cheated on and are looking for something to blame, other than their own judgement in picking a partner and allowing themselves to be deceived by their pick. You know what? For those of us who have been cheated on, it's fool me once, shame on you. Food me twice, shame on me. Get over it. Stop blaming stuff. Look in the mirror. 

I look in the mirror and I see a grown up who was abused as a kid. I also see a grown up who when asked to name her biggest accomplishment in life, stated that it was never having compromised her morals.  

I'm not going to sit here and read all this buy-in to these hurtful statistics that are not really qualified (just some studies out of many, likely cherry-picked) without calling it what it is: bigotry and priggishness.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Nothing like making rational grownups who have recovered and moved on, feel all dirty and undesirable and marked again. Nice!

Remind me not to date anyone who thinks poorly of children who were victimized. What is the point of even trying to save kids like that or to teach them to speak out against this kind of violence if it is just going to mark them as undesirable in the very society that would seek to help to save them? 

Ahhh, the statistics are great because we can get our grants funded so we can do good things....but those people we are helping, we are too good for them. We want someone "clean" like us. Oh, and when we abuse them in marriage, and they speak out against the abuse, we can just assure them that they're nuts because they're not normal because they were abused as kids, and they are making it all up because of their 'history'. 

I am never getting married again? 
The reason, because if a person has grown up in an intact family and was never abused as a child, there is no guarantee that they're not going to be an abusive manipulative cheating lying creep who thinks that you should be grateful to be married at all to someone so "normal."


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree that history of abuse does not an abuser make...


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

I don't think there's any good way to tell, really. My husband cheated on me when we were dating. On paper, no one would EVER think he would be a cheating type.

He's shy. He's quiet. He never flirts with women. He's polite, nice, kind, considerate. His parents have been happily married for 35 years and never cheated on each other. He is religious and goes to church. He coached youth basketball. He was a virgin until he was 29 years old. He is slightly nerdy and has no game with women. He is disciplined and was raised with good values and morals.

Who would ever think HE would be a cheater?! Perhaps the only red flag was that he was a virgin until age 29. Maybe he had a lot of wild oats to sew.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

One I'd look at are their past relationships and sex history. If it's loaded with one night stands, I'd shy away and look for someone who typically doesn't have sex unless in a real relationship.

I'd also look at the external validation thing. Do they need to be seen 'good' by others like it is really important to them? Personally, I think people who are comfortable with themselves are by nature more secure; So what you see is what you get.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Lack of empathy.
Or too self-absorbed.

Cheaters don't care how their actions affect others.
Not that they don't KNOW what might happen, but it is more towards "so what? Whatever" attitude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Laila8 said:


> I don't think there's any good way to tell, really. My husband cheated on me when we were dating. On paper, no one would EVER think he would be a cheating type.
> 
> *He's shy. He's quiet. He never flirts with women. He's polite, nice, kind, considerate. His parents have been happily married for 35 years and never cheated on each other. He is religious and goes to church. * He coached youth basketball. He was a virgin until he was 29 years old. *He is slightly nerdy and has no game with women. He is disciplined and was raised with good values and morals.*
> 
> Who would ever think HE would be a cheater?! Perhaps the only red flag was that he was a virgin until age 29. Maybe he had a lot of wild oats to sew.


Sounds like you married him anyway Laila8....I am assuming He came clean to you...and you found forgiveness ?? 

Yeah... WOW....if this can happen with a guy like this...I mean...you really *can't* predict ! 

Personally I think it can Happen to the majority ...best to be VERY IN TOUCH with our own weaknesses & demons .....enter in the "perfect Storm"... too loose of boundaries, how easily one thing can lead to another ...pumped hormones, run away emotions....a secluded place...while telling each other...."we can keep this to ourselves, it's our secret"..

...This thread explains just how that works... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html...

And this one ...how to keep it from happening...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *Again, I find these statistics hurtful.
> It's like being bigoted and saying, well, black men make worse fathers, and are unemployable. Or, Chinese are really good at math. People, think about what you are saying. You are painting a very HORRIBLE picture of people who in their childhood had others sexually abuse them, when they could do nothing about it. And you are FURTHER VICTIMIZING them by saying in a PUBLIC FORUM about building good marriages, that these people are INCAPABLE of being trustworthy and not cheating in a marriage.
> 
> People who are saying this are bigoted, prejudiced and unless they have themselves been abused in childhood, don't have a clue what they're talking about*.


 I would feel a deep righteous indignation to speak out against this as you are - being in your shoes...it's just not OK...

Statistics *can not* speak for us..how shaky from one study to the next even...depending on the bias... there are some that I cringe reading too, like there is a bulls eye on our backs...we are targeted to be at more RISK...could be anything! 

One of my best friends 2 daughters were molested by an Uncle, I can not even fathom these 2 young ladies to EVER be the type who would be unfaithful..ya know.. it's so much MORE... we all know this... 

*Statistics can never define an individual*...we hold that power with our choices... (Health statistics - if we could will a better outcome -how wonderful it would be.... a little less control)....but morally...we "map" our own lives. 



> I look in the mirror and I see a grown up who was abused as a kid. *I also see a grown up who when asked to name her biggest accomplishment in life, stated that it was never having compromised her morals*.


 and that's beautiful - integrity at it's finest, through the ashes you have risen & will remain true to yourself ...and those around you no matter what comes ...:smthumbup:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sometimes all the signs are there and sometimes the person you'd least expect to cheat, cheats.

Read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass...it's a real eye opener.

Sometimes people cheat for no explicable reason - their marriage is good, sex is regular and satisfying, they love their spouse...and still they cheat...scary stuff.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I married a quiet, boring, Accountant. 

But......

He never sewed his wild oats when younger. 

Also, beware of the ones that say, "I could never cheat on someone" or, "I hate cheaters"

My husband went through the roof when it was on the news Tiger Woods had been cheating on his wife. He called him a low-life, scumbag. All this when my husband was doing the EXACT same thing. Prostitues and all. 

You can try but it's always a gamble. You might not get a cheater but someone with a gambling problem or personality disorder.......you just never know. Trust your gut the best you can and learn from life's mistakes. 

It's always best to wait a few years before children. Children make divorce a much more challenging situation.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think the biggest one would be if they cheated on their past partners. All the time I see, "he/she cheated on his/her ex... displaying this behaviour... oh no, they've cheated on me!" Ya really didn't see that coming did you. Makes me think of the guy run over by a steamroller in Austin Powers.

Austin Powers Steamroller Stop! - YouTube


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I think we're trying to define something that cannot be defined because with people there are so many variables (FOO issues, past hurts, circumstances, etc.)

According to someone's criteria, I am essentially a cheater waiting to happen, because in my young years I did have several sexual encounters without the "relationship" tag.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> through the ashes you have risen & will remain true to yourself


No, I am still in the ashes and when it rains it is also muddy, and from time to time my life fills up with people's sewage and rubbish as well. 

The world is full of abusive, manipulative people and this will never change. In fact, it is getting much worse. You never rise above anything. You learn to stay alive in spite of it. 

It's also true of bigoted and opinionated people who may have only had a singular negative experience with cheating and yet demand or crave a statistical model that will make them feel better (at the expense of all the false positives and false negatives of that model, who happen to be living, breathing, feeling humans.)

Nope, you don't rise from the ashes. But you learn to become like fire, so you can torch the people who continually poke you with their spears in order to keep you in the pit. 

Over time, you feel a kind of vengeance, and if you are truthful and honest with yourself, when the people with the hot pokers get burned, even when they were just happily toasting marshmallows around their pleasant campfires, you feel happy and justified. These people have learned through experiencing something unpleasant in their home lives (cheating is what I'm talking about) that has soiled them forever. Yep, see you all in the pit. 

You can't undo history. People who grew up with histories of abuse know this. Now victims of cheating will learn that too. Their happy home lives are forever soiled. And pointing fingers at other people is not going to change that. Too bad. Get over it.

The only fidelity you can count on in life is your own. If you let yourself down, that's your problem. If someone else lets you down, that's their problem.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Hmmm, I don't think there are any blatant signs, only situations where, statistically, the person will TEND to be more apt to cheating.
> 
> 1. Mental disorders such as BPD, narcissism, etc.
> 2. If they're overly romantic in unrealistic ways
> ...


Wow, I'm sorry if I touched a nerve with some and I'm TRULY sorry for anyone who is a survivor of sexual abuse. It's one of the most heinous crimes that can be done. I shutter to think what I would do to someone who touched my kids. My wife already knows I'd probably end up in prison.

But I want to point out what I said.

"*Now none of these things are "guarantees" that the person will cheat. There are plenty of people who have gone through, or do the list above who'd NEVER cheat, but those are common traits that are found in cheaters.*"

The OP asked how to spot a cheater. I was simply pointing out behaviors or situations that are statistically more likely to be present in a cheater.

My list wasn't directed at any single person. It was addressed to the masses.

So again, if you took offense at it, I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. But it doesn't invalidate statistics either.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Homemaker, when did I ever make a blanket statement.

Bigotry would be me saying "Everyone who has xyz...will be a cheater" (actually that's generalizing which is a common trait of a bigot, but still)

I understand why those points I laid out are so sensitive to you. You underwent one of the worst possible things that can happen to a person and the pain is unimaginable to anyone who hasn't gone through it. 

But to call me (or anyone who talks statistics) a bigot or priggish...come on. That's not fair. Especially when I recognized that statistics are NOT a blanket over everyone. There are always exceptions. There are always the outer portions of bell curves etc. I'm one of the biggest opponents of generalizations.

You say


> "You are painting a very HORRIBLE picture of people who in their childhood had others sexually abuse them, when they could do nothing about it. And you are FURTHER VICTIMIZING them by saying in a PUBLIC FORUM about building good marriages, that these people are INCAPABLE of being trustworthy and not cheating in a marriage. "


When did I EVER say that. How did I victimize anyone?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Next serious relationship I have it's gonna be a simple non rocket science approach. If we are at a pointwhen it's getting serious 
I'll outright ask 

Have you cheated?
On who ?
If so how many times ? 

What kind of childhood did you have? Any abuse in any way ?

etc 

I'll have no problem asking as I maintain from the way in which she answers I'll know, absolutely 

When you've lived with a serial cheat there are some behavioral patterns you never ever forget and after the whole process has been put in the past, self preservation is everything

Also any one that has serious feelings for you will be very aware of why you would be asking those questions


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Personally I don't think I'll have any trouble spotting a potential cheat.

I think there's a lot of sensitivity flying around this thread.

They are many general patterns of behavior and histories that go to make up a cheat. 

What is wrong with putting them up for all to see 

If you your personality or history falls into the cheat category it does not mean you are one but you cannot expect everyone else to ignore the facts

It does not mean every thinks you are a cheat 

If you're not you should be happy and confident with that knowledge


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

This thread implies that a person could not be redeemable after making mistakes in the past...to the point at which their mistake(s) allude to the fact that should be labeled a cheat.

It really comes down to communicating with your SO, being transparent about your past (history, mistakes, etc) and discussing what you have done to come out on the other side. It's being self-aware, being intentional, and staying awake.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Headspin, I don't think that's going to work too well LOL.

Asking if they were ever abused? Early in a relationship?

Not smart.

As has been said many times. The list I made isn't a be all end all. It doesn't mean the person is a cheat if they match something on that list.

I would say a very high percentage of the population has at least one or two things on that list.

As Cons has pointed out and as Homemaker has made abundantly clear, just because someone matches something on that list, doesn't mean they'll be a cheat.

I threw together my list based upon what we commonly read about in regards to traits cheaters have. But if you take it as a pass fail list, it will fail you 10 times out of 10.

It's very much a logical fallacy, like saying apples are red...red is a color...so apples are a color.

I wouldn't go walking around with the list and a clip board on my dates LOL.

I think it's just good to be aware, but judge each person on their own merits.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Anyone is capable of yielding to temptation. Opportunity, risk-benefit, and lack of awareness of how easy it is to be sucked in. It's impossible to avoid marriage to a potential cheater. 

High risk people - former cheaters, employment that involves frequent travel, work environments where cheating is acceptable even expected, very good looking. 

Avoid a very good-looking, divorced (due to infidelity) traveling salesman who sells equipment to police and fire departments and who vows never to cheat again.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

LOL


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I haven't read the whole thread and skipped to the end. But my contribution to the thread is simply this: there are 2 kinds of cheaters - those who have it as an innate trait and those who become cheaters based on environment.

You can largely insulate yourself from the "natural cheaters" by looking for red flags up front, like being secretive, guarding phone, having an unusually large number of friendships with the opposite sex, keeping friendships with EX's, and others that were listed. These are good litmus tests to use to avoid a cheater up front.

However, a cheater can also be "created" thru environment. This is a much harder thing to insulate yourself from because the best "defense" against infidelity is to make your marriage the strongest it can be thru honest communication, mutual respect, not allowing problems to fester, spending time together as lovers regularly, maintaining healthy intimacy, etc. etc. Even if you do everything right, you may still be cheated on.

Bottom line is you can minimize the risks of being with a cheater, but you can never eliminate the possibility.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Headspin, I don't think that's going to work too well LOL.
> 
> Asking if they were ever abused? Early in a relationship?
> 
> ...


Obviously not on a first date 

But frankly I would definitely be looking to know about all those things or related before I committed to anybody else

Love is all very well but I need to be able to trust somebody and hoping for the best is not a pathway I want to tread again - for the third time

I do believe though, to repeat, that anybody that is serious about you (me) will understand why you're looking for such personal information.

I would if somebody I was serious about asked me those questions. I'd be happy to divulge


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> ........
> 
> However, a cheater can also be "created" thru environment. This is a much harder thing to insulate yourself from because the best "defense" against infidelity is to make your marriage the strongest it can be thru honest communication, mutual respect, not allowing problems to fester, spending time together as lovers regularly, maintaining healthy intimacy, etc. etc. Even if you do everything right, you may still be cheated on.
> 
> Bottom line is you can minimize the risks of being with a cheater, but you can never eliminate the possibility.


That's the bastapd of it isn't it. We grow up train ourselves to know that you do this right, that right and this and that and you will be rewarded with good things 

...but actually in a marriage that only goes so far, as you say, you can be the best you can, you can know in your heart you have been good, given a lot, never perfect, but as good as it gets...

........but still get repeatedly stabbed in the back


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Headspin said:


> That's the bastapd of it isn't it. We grow up train ourselves to know that you do this right, that right and this and that and you will be rewarded with good things
> 
> ...but actually in a marriage that only goes so far, as you say, you can be the best you can, you can know in your heart you have been good, given a lot, never perfect, but as good as it gets...
> 
> ........but still get repeatedly stabbed in the back


You can eat all the right foods, get plenty of exercise and go to the Dr's office for regular check ups and still die early due to health issues. Just because the possibility of failure due to circumstances beyond your control still exists, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't still try to control those factors you do have an influence over. 

The only sure things in life are death and taxes. Everything else is based on probabilities.


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

If a woman beds you in less than 48 hours after meeting you. Sure, you can have your fun with her but never get into a serious relationship with someone who so easily gives it up.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Redpill said:


> If a woman beds you in less than 48 hours after meeting you. Sure, you can have your fun with her but never get into a serious relationship with someone who so easily gives it up.


Totally! if a man "gave it up" to me in less than 48 hours I considered him to be just for fun and definitely not marriage material.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Redpill said:


> If a woman beds you in less than 48 hours after meeting you. Sure, you can have your fun with her but never get into a serious relationship with someone who so easily gives it up.


Fail. Speaking from personal experience here. I could have bedded my wife on our first date but ended up not pulling the trigger in the end. Happily married for 17 years, and she's shown zero indication that she is or has thought about cheating on me. Does it mean that she will never cheat on me nor I on her? No, but based on your logic I should have been burned around years 5 - 7...


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Quick attachment, weak/low/no boundary enforcement, proclivity to risky behavior, low self-esteem, selfishness or entitlement.

But anyone can cheat, and even a person with all of these might not.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you eliminate the obvious risk factors, make sure that you share activities and frequent new adventures. Make it a priority. Drop the kids off regularly and have adventures. 

Your lives gets intertwined in a good way. You become good lovers who are mutually supportive. This makes a difference.

There are a number of people besides your partner who would make a good match for a loving relationship. 

If you're living a parallel life with your husband or wife, it's easy to yield to the pull of that person. If your lives are wrapped together in shared experiences and fun plans, it's easier to resist but still possible.


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