# Overcoming Mismatched Libedos



## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it. It came close to ending us a few times. In the past few years we've learned to talk more openly and listen to eachother with more empathy and have been tackling this issue in a MUCH more healthy and productive way then when we started. We've left some serious scars on eachother that we are still healing from.
The rest of our relationship is basicly a fairy tale its so damn good. But the libdeo difference still effects us negatively and we are running out of ideas we can try to find a healthy balance.
I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FluffyDevil said:


> My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it. It came close to ending us a few times. In the past few years we've learned to talk more openly and listen to eachother with more empathy and have been tackling this issue in a MUCH more healthy and productive way then when we started. We've left some serious scars on eachother that we are still healing from.
> The rest of our relationship is basicly a fairy tale its so damn good. But the libdeo difference still effects us negatively and we are running out of ideas we can try to find a healthy balance.
> I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


How mismatched?

What was it like when you started and through the first two years?

What is it like now?

Do either of you have any health issues?

Did kids affect things?


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> How mismatched?
> -His is high, he would like it everyday or multiple times a day. Mine is lower. Once every week or 2 would be fine by me.
> 
> What was it like when you started and through the first two years?
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not neglecting you but probably won't get a good response until tomorrow.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FluffyDevil said:


> My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it.
> 
> 
> I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


If you want to hear from others who have been through similar, you can basically ask anyone you encounter on the street that have been together for more than a handful of years and have kids and bills and homes together etc

this is basically the norm and part of humanity. And 2 years is a very common point where the initial infatuation and limerence and new relationship energy (NRE) wears of.

Women especially often experience a notable drop off in spontaneous desire earlier in a long term relationship than me.

The best management is probably what you have already done which is to recognize it and both people address it and find ways to work with it towards a mutual compromise to where each can get their basic wants and needs met without damaging the spirit of each other.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

I am very aware that this is a common issue with long term relationships. But if someone out there has some helpful advice or found something that worked for them I'd like to offer the opportunity for them to share it. Because who knows? Maybe it'll help. We aren't quite ready to be defeatist about it yet.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell me in your mind what you think sex provides for him, and why he wants to have it so much?


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Tell me in your mind what you think sex provides for him, and why he wants to have it so much?


He has told me. It’s reaffirming. It's a big part of his love language, and it's "the most fun activity" lol


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Delete


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Listen to What Do Women Want? by Daniel Bergner on Audible. https://www.audible.com/pd/B00DGBVWCU?source_code=ASSOR150021921000V


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I posted a thread about this topic awhile back in regards to the material that clinical psychologist and marriage therapist Dr Samantha Rodman Whiten aka Dr Psych Mom has on the topic of declining spontaneous desire in women in long term monogamous relationships. 

She has a variety of articles and podcasts on this topic as it is something that she deals with very frequently in her private practice as a marriage therapist. 









Dr Psych Mom on the shift in desire in married/LTR...


I have become a pretty big fan of the Dr Psych Mom podcasts and articles over the last few weeks. First my disclaimer: I am in no way affliliated with her material and have no financial interests in her content. I am not even one of her paid subscribers, I only access her free material...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This book has some good insight along with some actual research.

I'm not advocating for some of what the subjects did but the knowledge might be helpful.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also, getting your health levels up, getting fit, having goals and accomplishments outside of your marriage that you can each observe, is important.

It's actually more important for him to be achieving goals that are outside your marriage, that others can appreciate and you can observe.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I was going to say ^^ getting fit together, maybe start walking together, and then progress to joining a gym, will improve your overall fitness and health. And...you might consider quitting smoking. I found this:









How does smoking affect your sex life? Tips and more


Smoking can affect a person's sex drive, hormone production, erections, fertility, and more. Learn more about how smoking can affect a person sexually.




www.medicalnewstoday.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Two things I can think of. Remember that you don't have to 'feel' like having sex to have it. You can choose have sex for him and the marriage on the times that you don't actually feel like it.
Secondly, compromise. If he wants sex every day and you want sex once a week, make it say 2-3 times a week.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FluffyDevil said:


> He has told me. It’s reaffirming. It's a big part of his love language, and it's "the most fun activity" lol


OK but being honest do you believe that? What thoughts go through your mind when he wants to have sex. Be honest here.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

It's almost a need for most men. Like breathing or eating. At least when we are single we have hope we can find someone and we can actively try and find someone - but in a mismatched relationship we end up seeing our partner as the reason we can't meet our needs, and it feels hopeless. Sex is the number one driving force for civilization and male effort to do anything.


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

For many Men sexual desire and the sex act is very easy. They get spontaneous erections that they don't have to earn. The world is full of sexualised images of women To turn them on and have them thinking about sex during the day so they are ready to pop by bedtime. 

99.9% of porn is aimed at the man's needs and pleasure. 

A man's body does not have to go through the crazy cycling of hormones that women's does.

Women often bear the responsibility for contraception and all the unpleasant side effects that go along with it. 

Orgasms are usually easy for men and happen almost everytime not so for women. 

Most women have to(and I know there are some exceptions ) work hard to create and maintain their sexual desire, often with little to no help from their partner. Who thinks that her needs should be the same as his needs. 

A woman's daily life is not filled with things that are constantly turning her on, the opposite in fact. 

Every magazine and social media post is full of advice and ads shaming women for not being good enough.

And daily doses of shame about your weight, looks and ageing are not a turn on. 

A Healthy sexual relationship is a bit like A seesaw that goes up and down. Her needs, his needs, her needs, his needs. ect. When intimacy stops or severely reduces its because the person who got off the ride hasn't been getting their needs met but the clueless partner has no idea there is a problem till the sex stops or reduces. 

Do you know what Your needs are so you can communicate them to your partner.

Are your emotional needs being met inside and outside the bedroom?

Does your partner make you feel special, wanted, appreciated and desired at times when he is not chasing his needs to be met. 

Are emotional wounds from past disagreements or built up resentments holding you back from even getting turned on?

Is a fun, romantic, orgasmic sex life evn something that you want?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

FluffyDevil said:


> My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it. It came close to ending us a few times. In the past few years we've learned to talk more openly and listen to eachother with more empathy and have been tackling this issue in a MUCH more healthy and productive way then when we started. We've left some serious scars on eachother that we are still healing from.
> The rest of our relationship is basicly a fairy tale its so damn good. But the libdeo difference still effects us negatively and we are running out of ideas we can try to find a healthy balance.
> I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


Do you find your husband attractive and enjoy sex once you actually start having it?

If so, the answer is simple. Start having more sex, when he initiates don't turn him down. Maybe initiate more yourself.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Unless you drop in libido is temporarily and can be fixed I believe you are fundamentally incompatible. No amount of "fairy tale" marriage can compensate for sexual nd intimate dissatisfaction you husband has been feeling and it will only increase until it reaches boiling point and will start affect other parts of your marriage.

My wife is a wonderful, beautiful, compassionate woman who has championed and supported all my dreams my entire life. But given all her wonderful qualities I would never be able to marry her or live with her or even love her if our libidos and relationship with sex in general did not match.

Having low libido is not a crime or shame. You just need to find a partner who has the same libido as yours.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Unless you drop in libido is temporarily and can be fixed I believe you are fundamentally incompatible. No amount of "fairy tale" marriage can compensate for sexual nd intimate dissatisfaction you husband has been feeling and it will only increase until it reaches boiling point and will start affect other parts of your marriage.
> 
> My wife is a wonderful, beautiful, compassionate woman who has championed and supported all my dreams my entire life. But given all her wonderful qualities I would never be able to marry her or live with her or even love her if our libidos and relationship with sex in general did not match.
> 
> Having low libido is not a crime or shame. You just need to find a partner who has the same libido as yours.


Except that libido can and does fluctuate over decades of marriage.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

DamianDamian said:


> How hard is it to spread your legs?


Really? Not helping her and very crude.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Unless you drop in libido is temporarily and can be fixed I believe you are fundamentally incompatible. No amount of "fairy tale" marriage can compensate for sexual nd intimate dissatisfaction you husband has been feeling and it will only increase until it reaches boiling point and will start affect other parts of your marriage.
> 
> My wife is a wonderful, beautiful, compassionate woman who has championed and supported all my dreams my entire life. But given all her wonderful qualities I would never be able to marry her or live with her or even love her if our libidos and relationship with sex in general did not match.
> 
> Having low libido is not a crime or shame. You just need to find a partner who has the same libido as yours.


This is spot on, poor, irregular and begrudging sex contaminates the relationship.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


FluffyDevil said:



His is high, he would like it everyday or multiple times a day. Mine is lower. Once every week or 2 would be fine by me.

Click to expand...

*Only highly sexed people want to do this *every* day. 

Geez, I love pizza but I don't want it every single day. That would just tend to get so damned monotonous after a while. I know it did for my brother when his highly-sexed wife wanted sex every single day. At first he thought he'd died and gone to heaven but after about a year, not so much. The thrill wore off and he actually started avoiding going home after work because he didn't want to do anything but sit back and relax with a beer.

So don't feel that is some kind of "deficiency" on your part just because he's greedy and wants sex every day. I think that's just being greedy and selfish. If he "needs" sex every day then tell him to go jerk off. His constant need to get off is NOT your responsibility. You'll have to compromise but do NOT become his sex slave just because HE wants it. You're an adult and you have to respect yourself as well as respect him. There's a happy medium, you just have to find it.



DamianDamian said:


> _*How hard is it to spread your legs?*_


WTF is *wrong* with you? I'm guessing you must come from some 3rd world country where you fools have more respect for the goats who roam the street looking for garbage than you do for your women.

Maybe you need to sit this one out, buddy.
.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I have been in a mismatched libido marriage like yours and we are not together any more. There isn't a solution: one of you will be unhappy, especially if your husband wants it multiple times every day. That's a frequency you can't compromise on. Sorry I can't help.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Only highly sexed people want to do this *every* day.
> 
> Geez, I love pizza but I don't want it every single day. That would just tend to get so damned monotonous after a while. I know it did for my brother when his highly-sexed wife wanted sex every single day. At first he thought he'd died and gone to heaven but after about a year, not so much. The thrill wore off and he actually started avoiding going home after work because he didn't want to do anything but sit back and relax with a beer.
> 
> ...


So if she wants it once a week and he wants it once a year he needs to tell her it is not his problem and just go and jerk off? What a stupid comment.

Wanting daily intimacy is totally normal. We have been married for 25 years and have sex almost every day unless there is something that prevents us from doing this. It has been 14 days we had sex every day.

It is not her problem she has low libido. It is not his problem he has high one. It is their problem they have mismatched libidos.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So if she wants it once a week and he wants it once a year he needs to tell her it is not his problem and just go and jerk off? What a stupid comment.
> 
> Wanting daily intimacy is totally normal. We have been married for 25 years and have sex almost every day unless there is something that prevents us from doing this. It has been 14 days we had sex every day.
> 
> It is not her problem she has low libido. It is not his problem he has high one. It is their problem they have mismatched libidos.


I wouldn't want sex every day. It's nice to have a little build up and get the passion going. If he wants sex once a day or more and she wants sex once a week, it's not hard to compromise to 2-3 times a week surely. I don't see why one must get all their own way. 
BTW sex once a day is normal for you, not for many.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

[QUOTE="She'sStillGotIt, post: 20664923, member

WTF is *wrong* with you? I'm guessing you must come from some 3rd world country where you fools have more respect for the goats who roam the street looking for garbage than you do for your women.

Bit harsh, don't think New Zealand is that bad, anyway it would probably be sheep.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I wouldn't want sex every day. It's nice to have a little build up and get the passion going. If he wants sex once a day or more and she wants sex once a week, it's not hard to compromise to 2-3 times a week surely. I don't see why one must get all their own way.
> BTW sex once a day is normal for you, not for many.


No, you are wrong. If she wants sex once a week it is wrong to force herself to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. It is also normal to want to have sex every day. this is just libido mismatch that sooner or later will boil to the level that will kill any relationship.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

He is highly sexual. And that's okay. Just like it's okay that I am not. It wouldn't be a compromise if it was everyday. We generally compromise at a few times a week. Some times more. Sometimes less. We respect eachother very much. I'm not his sex slave. I'm not broken cuz my libedo isn't as active as my partners. He's not broken or a monster for having a higher libedo. 
We handled our situation poorly in past. We blamed, we accused, I shut down. But we believe there is a better way and we both refuse to let this break us. Any advise to just give up, get a divorce, or that ignores that both people have needs isn't what I'm looking for.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

The problem with compromise is that it is begrudging and probably without enthusiasm or desire which makes in unsatisfactory for the hd partner.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FluffyDevil said:


> He is highly sexual. And that's okay. Just like it's okay that I am not. It wouldn't be a compromise if it was everyday. We generally compromise at a few times a week. Some times more. Sometimes less. We respect eachother very much. I'm not his sex slave. I'm not broken cuz my libedo isn't as active as my partners. He's not broken or a monster for having a higher libedo.
> We handled our situation poorly in past. We blamed, we accused, I shut down. But we believe there is a better way and we both refuse to let this break us. Any advise to just give up, get a divorce, or that ignores that both people have needs isn't what I'm looking for.


Given that you are here looking for help I would say giving up and divorcing is not the right answer. Not yet anyway. 

What is it about experiencing intimate pleasure and orgasms (I assume you have them) with your husband that you don't like?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

FluffyDevil said:


> He is highly sexual. And that's okay. Just like it's okay that I am not. It wouldn't be a compromise if it was everyday. We generally compromise at a few times a week. Some times more. Sometimes less. We respect eachother very much. I'm not his sex slave. I'm not broken cuz my libedo isn't as active as my partners. He's not broken or a monster for having a higher libedo.
> We handled our situation poorly in past. We blamed, we accused, I shut down. But we believe there is a better way and we both refuse to let this break us. Any advise to just give up, get a divorce, or that ignores that both people have needs isn't what I'm looking for.


I admire your desire to fix your relationship with your husband. But you need to realize that sexuality and libido is part of our DNA, it is who we are. It is very hard to change in either side. Mismatched libidos, mismatched views or relationship with sex and intimacy breaks fundamental compatibility requirements any happy healthy marriage is based upon.

What advise are you looking for? Do you want really to have sex with you husband when you do not want to and not aroused? Do you expect him just suck it up and like others suggested just jerk off?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You said that you do not initiate it most of the time and that sometimes you don't want to actively participate in it. I'm curious as to why you wouldn't want to participate. Do you not like orgasms? Do you not like feeling good? If I don't feel well, I need to take some medicine. Now I don't like taking medicine, but I do it because I know that when I do, I'm going to feel good and I want to feel good. So when your husband initiates, say to yourself, 'Oh good. In a little while I get to feel good.' Then hop into bed and have a good time.

I'll bet that your husband has a job in order to pay the bills. I'll also bet that there are day when he doesn't want to go to work...doesn't want to participate in it. But he does it anyway. Why? Because it's good for the household, good for both of you and it fills a need. Honestly, you sound like sex is a job to you. What is it that you don't like about it? Is it too routine? Is it boring? What is it?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FluffyDevil said:


> He is highly sexual. And that's okay. Just like it's okay that I am not. It wouldn't be a compromise if it was everyday. We generally compromise at a few times a week. Some times more. Sometimes less. We respect eachother very much. I'm not his sex slave. I'm not broken cuz my libedo isn't as active as my partners. He's not broken or a monster for having a higher libedo.
> We handled our situation poorly in past. We blamed, we accused, I shut down. But we believe there is a better way and we both refuse to let this break us. Any advise to just give up, get a divorce, or that ignores that both people have needs isn't what I'm looking for.


If you actually start answering the posters who are asking you questions, you will get better advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No, you are wrong. If she wants sex once a week it is wrong to force herself to have sex 2 or 3 times a week. It is also normal to want to have sex every day. this is just libido mismatch that sooner or later will boil to the level that will kill any relationship.


It's not about forcing anyone, it's about both of them agreeing on a good compromise. There is no need to let it kill their marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kput said:


> The problem with compromise is that it is begrudging and probably without enthusiasm or desire which makes in unsatisfactory for the hd partner.


I don't agree. It's about two people in love agreeing to a way forward.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

First off, it’s refreshing to see a LD person asking for advice.

For your part assuming that your husband is initiating in a reasonable way, you need to be open to the idea of sex. If he’s exhibiting unattractive behaviors they need to stop, but short of that, if he’s not initiating at bad times and he’s making a serious attempt at getting you in the mood for it and he’s being repeatedly rejected; you’re going to have to look inwards and figure out why that is.

Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are” describes some possible reasons why women shut down and techniques to deal with them.

I can say in my case a lot of the issue was due to my own behavior. For my wife’s end all she had to do was to be open to the idea of having sex. Erase the unattractive behavior and ham fisted initiations and then it’s running again.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I don't agree. It's about two people in love agreeing to a way forward.


That's one interpretation.

My wife has been both hd and ld. When she was ld she rarely rejected me but it was bland and far different from before.

Compromise may work but the hd partner will probably be aware that given a choice the ld partner would rather not be having sex which will hit the hd ego. 

This of course is how I would see if ymmv


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's not about forcing anyone, it's about both of them agreeing on a good compromise. There is no need to let it kill their marriage.


So how do you envision sexual compromise? If she wants sex once a week a a compromise calls for thee times a week she is supposed to have sex tow times a week when she is not on the mood and not aroused? How can a woman have sex hen she is not aroused?


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

My wife and I have had some success at working on mismatched libido's and we are doing better than ever sexually. We will celebrate our 22nd anniversary this month and our sex life is the best it has ever been. 

I think it is great that you are trying to find some answers. One of the things that really got on my nerves over the years is that my ld wife would not put any work into trying to fix things. I mean, barring some type of dimension, I will never forget hearing: "that's your problem", when trying to talk with her. So again, I commend you on doing some work.

You really should answer some of the questions that people have asked you. I don't know if any of my ideas would help you or not, because we don't know enough about your situation.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

"that's your problem," must have stung, I would have trouble forgetting that. Ouch.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Kput said:


> "that's your problem," must have stung, I would have trouble forgetting that. Ouch.


My wife said I was only nice to her when I wanted sex...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Except that libido can and does fluctuate over decades of marriage.


While I don't disagree, its been my experience that if it was low and allowed to get to the point where the couple becomes alienated( or in a position like the OP's), then when it does "come back" it won't any longer be directed at the spouse, it will usually result in either a split or someone getting it on the outside..

In other words, if people aren't aligned on this and it gets to a point of years, then it rarely gets better and if it does, the result is probably going to be contrived and non spontaneous...Many people wont like that, but I do suppose some could live with that...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So how do you envision sexual compromise? If she wants sex once a week a a compromise calls for thee times a week she is supposed to have sex tow times a week when she is not on the mood and not aroused? How can a woman have sex hen she is not aroused?


All she needs to do is be open to the possibility that she could get aroused, allow herself to get aroused. Then it is up to her husband to initiate in a way that gets her aroused. I do this all the time with my wife. If we waited until she was actively aroused we would be lucky to have sex once a week. However, since she is open to me putting the moves on her and gives me an honest chance to get her turned on we have sex 5x a week.


ETA: I still really want to know the answer to this: What is it about experiencing intimate pleasure and orgasms (I assume you have them) with your husband that you don't like?


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Actually a former hd who has become ld can revert back to hd, it has happened in my case, this was caused by my wife erroneously thinking I was heading for an affair. Not sure if it is permanent.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> All she needs to do is be open to the possibility that she could get aroused, allow herself to get aroused. Then it is up to her husband to initiate in a way that gets her aroused. I do this all the time with my wife. If we waited until she was actively aroused we would be lucky to have sex once a week. However, since she is open to me putting the moves on her and gives me an honest chance to get her turned on we have sex 5x a week.
> 
> 
> ETA: I still really want to know the answer to this: What is it about experiencing intimate pleasure and orgasms (I assume you have them) with your husband that you don't like?


Honestly, I am not sure how it is possible. I am rather sexual person so is my wife. But in rare days when I do not want to have sex I do not want it. Even if my wife starts poll dancing nude I am just not in the mood. with women I think it is even more complex. I get it that some women need responsive desire but if a woman is fundamentally not in the mood no amount of effort from a man can bring her into that mood. That's why when I sense or know my wife is not in the mood I never bug her for sex.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@FluffyDevil Here are some reading suggestions, article from another site I find quite useful for this issue.









Trapped gatekeepers - blame the guard, not the prisoner - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you feel that you are trapped by your low libido? Do you "want to want to" have sex? This post explains what's going on, and how to deal with this war going on in your brain.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Sex drive differences aren't the problem - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you think your marriage is suffering from sex drive differences? Maybe the differences aren't the problem. Maybe it's a matter of perspective.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy


Yesterday I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal. How it can be that your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FluffyDevil said:


> My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it. It came close to ending us a few times. In the past few years we've learned to talk more openly and listen to eachother with more empathy and have been tackling this issue in a MUCH more healthy and productive way then when we started. We've left some serious scars on eachother that we are still healing from.
> The rest of our relationship is basicly a fairy tale its so damn good. But the libdeo difference still effects us negatively and we are running out of ideas we can try to find a healthy balance.
> I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


My wife had a big dip in Libido post kids It was a problem for a few years. She was about as disturbed by it as I was so she took the lead in finding help, which seems to be the determining factor in success in these situations based on all the stories here on TAM. She went to her doctor multiple times both PCP and OB (both female doctors), neither were any help at all. She use to listen to a show on sirius radio about womens sexual health with Dr. Jen Berman. She ended up scheduling a consultation with Dr. Jen who ordered a bunch of blood tests and spent about an hour on the phone discussing the results and options. Her testosterone with fairly low so Dr. Jen scheduled an in person appointment with a colleague who was studying testosterone therapy to treat low libido in women. That doctor first prescribed a testosterone cream which did very little. Then he prescribed injections once every two weeks. 3-4 weeks after starting the shots my wife was a nymphomaniac. She took the injections for about 16 weeks and stopped. She stayed with a very high libido for months after starting. From what we can tell the testosterone plus other things suggested by Dr. Jen (reading erotic literature, watching porn, basically anything to get her in a sexy mindset) get her into a more sexual state and it stayed even without the hormones for quite a while. Once it dipped again she went back on the shots and back in to total nympho mode. This cycle was repeated for years and now she hasn't been on any shots for 4 years and her libido is still through the roof, but she is almost 47 and other lifestyle things might be keeping the drive high. 

The keys for her.
1. Focusing on overall health and fitness, eating clean, working out at least 4 hours per week, taking time everyday for herself to relax and destress. She has a red light mask for her skin that she finds very relaxing, she uses it every morning once the kids are off to school and before she showers, usually she has a quick orgasm while using the mask (masturbation) this puts her in a nice relaxed and sexually grounded state to start her day. 

2. Gets her hormone levels checked regularly.

3. Is very conscious of her stress level, communicates with me so if things are stressing her (kids, house etc.) I can help.

4. We make out relationship a top priority, we go on at least 1 date a week (usually it's 3) we take at least 1 hour a day to sit and connect with each other, no phones, no TV, just us sitting and talking. We also go away for nights weekends or weeks away regularly, (at least once a month for a night or weekend away and at least 1 week a year just the two of us). It is common for people to fall into the routine of life with busy schedules with work and kids and lose focus on fostering a loving, connected sexual/romantic relationship. Keep trying to win each others affection. 

Women are much more complicated than men in general, and every woman is different so it take a bit of self work to pinpoint the life issues that are potential roadblocks to libido enhancement and what things enhance libido. The approach has to be holistic and your husband is going to need to have some patience and be willing to help where needed. For example, right now is a very busy time at work for her and one source of stress is house hold stuff. So I am spending the day cleaning and doing some christmas shopping so she's not obsessing about it and worrying about spending the weekend on this stuff. It's a team effort, if you're willing to do your work, I'm sure your husband will be willing to do his work and support you any way he can.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> All she needs to do is be open to the possibility that she could get aroused, allow herself to get aroused. Then it is up to her husband to initiate in a way that gets her aroused. I do this all the time with my wife. If we waited until she was actively aroused we would be lucky to have sex once a week. However, since she is open to me putting the moves on her and gives me an honest chance to get her turned on we have sex 5x a week.
> 
> 
> ETA: I still really want to know the answer to this: What is it about experiencing intimate pleasure and orgasms (I assume you have them) with your husband that you don't like?


There is always this assumption that the LD person gets orgasms. That in many cases just isn't true. Many time the HD person is 'ready' to go and doesn't properly arouse the LD person. Hence it becomes a thing the LD person does for the HD person.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Honestly, I am not sure how it is possible. I am rather sexual person so is my wife. But in rare days when I do not want to have sex I do not want it. Even if my wife starts poll dancing nude I am just not in the mood. with women I think it is even more complex. I get it that some women need responsive desire but if a woman is fundamentally not in the mood no amount of effort from a man can bring her into that mood. That's why when I sense or know my wife is not in the mood I never bug her for sex.


Oh, it is most definitely possible. You are right that there are times when it just isn't going to happen. Those are going to be rare instances IMO. I think most people in a romantic relationship will get in the mood with the right stimulus and an open mind. The second part is as important or more important than the first. 

Another good read









The dual control model - Why you sometimes can't get in the mood for sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Our ability to be aroused is controlled by two systems: The sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system. This post describes how they work.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> There is always this assumption that the LD person gets orgasms. That in many cases just isn't true. Many time the HD person is 'ready' to go and doesn't properly arouse the LD person. Hence it becomes a thing the LD person does for the HD person.


I agree, which is why I did mention that I assume she has them. I'm hoping she will clarify when answering. 

I don't always orgasm when we have sex, but I still love the pleasure and connection I'm experiencing. If once you are in the act of sex you are feeling good and enjoying it what would stop you from trying to get in the mood and be able to experience pleasure with your spouse? Making your spouse happy is just a secondary benefit.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Oh, it is most definitely possible. You are right that there are times when it just isn't going to happen. Those are going to be rare instances IMO. I think most people in a romantic relationship will get in the mood with the right stimulus and an open mind. The second part is as important or more important than the first.
> 
> Another good read
> 
> ...


I think it isn't as rare as you think. Just because in your relationship it doesn't happen often. You only have to look around this site to find many women their husband really do 'use them for sex'. It isn't a mutual experience. 

Statistically depending on which data you look at only 30-50% of the time do most women orgasm. Which means there are some that it rarely happens.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I agree, which is why I did mention that I assume she has them. I'm hoping she will clarify when answering.
> 
> I don't always orgasm when we have sex, but I still love the pleasure and connection I'm experiencing. If once you are in the act of sex you are feeling good and enjoying it what would stop you from trying to get in the mood and be able to experience pleasure with your spouse? Making your spouse happy is just a secondary benefit.


So this feeds directly into the 'making your spouse happy'. This is I do it for them. Well many men go to a job to make money for their family. They don't always do the job with enthusiasm now do they even though it's something they do for their family. If you are having sex to make your spouse happy it can go one of two ways. You want to make your spouse happy and so you enjoy doing it. OR you spouse hasn't done much to make you happy lately so you don't want to do it. OR you do it but you spouse complains you don't do it enthusiastically enough which makes you resentful. I mean you show up you participate and you spouse gets orgasms. Meanwhile you get to watch your spouse have orgasms but not participate in such orgasms only because they won't put in the effort. So you are supposed to show up enthusastically for their orgasm because sex is important..... Just not your sex. Your sex and sexual pleasure isn't important. So which is it. Is it important in a marriage or not.

Would you be ok with your wife getting you aroused but never allowing you to orgasm?

I am fortunate I don't have this problem. But as much as I love my husband if he was interested and actively engaged in mutually satisfying sex then I wouldn't be all that interested in one sided sex.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

My wife and I are both in our 60s and it wouldn`t bother her if sex went off the menu completely.
I honestly think it would take a set of jump leads, a blow touch and a months notice to get her in the mood.
When a wife goes of sex, from my experience there is not much hope of revitalizing any action in the bedroom department.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think it isn't as rare as you think. Just because in your relationship it doesn't happen often. You only have to look around this site to find many women their husband really do 'use them for sex'. It isn't a mutual experience.
> 
> Statistically depending on which data you look at only 30-50% of the time do most women orgasm. Which means there are some that it rarely happens.


Those are broken relationships IMO. If a spouse is using their partner as a tool, sex or whatever, they aren't a loving spouse and there are likely other issues in the marriage. If this is happening it is unlikely to be fixed



Anastasia6 said:


> So this feeds directly into the 'making your spouse happy'. This is I do it for them. Well many men go to a job to make money for their family. They don't always do the job with enthusiasm now do they even though it's something they do for their family. If you are having sex to make your spouse happy it can go one of two ways. You want to make your spouse happy and so you enjoy doing it. OR you spouse hasn't done much to make you happy lately so you don't want to do it. OR you do it but you spouse complains you don't do it enthusiastically enough which makes you resentful. I mean you show up you participate and you spouse gets orgasms. Meanwhile you get to watch your spouse have orgasms but not participate in such orgasms only because they won't put in the effort. So you are supposed to show up enthusastically for their orgasm because sex is important..... Just not your sex. Your sex and sexual pleasure isn't important. So which is it. Is it important in a marriage or not.
> 
> Would you be ok with your wife getting you aroused but never allowing you to orgasm?
> 
> I am fortunate I don't have this problem. But as much as I love my husband if he was interested and actively engaged in mutually satisfying sex then I wouldn't be all that interested in one sided sex.


I didn't say that they were doing it solely to make their spouse happy. That is just a side benefit from an activity that you are presumably enjoying. I can't compare a job to sex with a spouse. If you consider sex with your spouse on par with the drudgery of going to work every day at a job you don't like your marriage is broken. Likewise, if the husband doesn't care about their partner's satisfaction then something is broken in the marriage that goes beyond the bedroom. This is a two way street. If one spouse is willing to give the other a chance to get them turned on and in the mood the least the recipient of that opportunity can do is attempt to satisfy their generous partner. That is still no guarantee there will be an orgasm, but at least the attempt was made.

I would not be okay with my wife getting me aroused then not allowing me to orgasm. That is cruel behavior. If she made an attempt to bring me to orgasm and I don't that is a different story.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So how do you envision sexual compromise? If she wants sex once a week a a compromise calls for thee times a week she is supposed to have sex tow times a week when she is not on the mood and not aroused? How can a woman have sex hen she is not aroused?


If it's a mutually agreed compromise for the good of the marriage then both will want to make that effort to make it enjoyable for each other. 
People don't seem to realise that you don't always have to feel like having sex to be able to have sex.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If it's a mutually agreed compromise for the good of the marriage then both will want to make that effort to make it enjoyable for each other.
> People don't seem to realise that you don't always have to feel like having sex to be able to have sex.


What? I am a sexually active man and cannot have sex if I do not want it. for sake of marriage or not. For women it is even more difficult if not impossible to have sex when she is not aroused. Having sex when one does not want it, is really a rape, self inflicted or forced by your partner.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Unless you drop in libido is temporarily and can be fixed I believe you are fundamentally incompatible. No amount of "fairy tale" marriage can compensate for sexual nd intimate dissatisfaction you husband has been feeling and it will only increase until it reaches boiling point and will start affect other parts of your marriage.
> 
> My wife is a wonderful, beautiful, compassionate woman who has championed and supported all my dreams my entire life. But given all her wonderful qualities I would never be able to marry her or live with her or even love her if our libidos and relationship with sex in general did not match.
> 
> Having low libido is not a crime or shame. You just need to find a partner who has the same libido as yours.


Thats kind of a quitters attitude. The OP seems to want to find a solution to the problem. With work and medical help she could probably get to a place where she desires and enjoys sex a few times a week. If they have a great marriage otherwise, it would be a big mistake on her husbands part to quit on the marriage because he's not getting it everyday. In reality maybe he finds a woman who really wants it everyday but there will likely be less happiness in other aspects of the relationship. I can see that being a situation where one will discover the grass wasn't greener over there. 

I can say with 100% confidence that if I had quit on my wife in a year or two it took to re-awaken her libido It would have been the biggest mistake of my life by a very wide margin. We went from her providing mostly duty sex for a solid year to having a wild sex life at a level that the vast majority of even high drive men would find to far beyond their comfort level in about 2 years. 

It is possible to fix, it just take A LOT of work from both partners and usually professional help. 

By the way I believe based on statistics the average in the USA is once per week for married couples. In a perfect world you have equal sex drives but there are so many other aspects to a marriage that are very important you have to balance it all to find optimal happiness.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So how do you envision sexual compromise? If she wants sex once a week a a compromise calls for thee times a week she is supposed to have sex tow times a week when she is not on the mood and not aroused? How can a woman have sex hen she is not aroused?


You just have sex, it's not difficult. We're talking about a situation where she wants to make him happy. Part of increasing ones desired frequency is a fake it till you make it scenario. As you work on addressing issues that might be hurting your libido you maintain a higher than desired frequency (within reason). It starts as responsive desire and as you work on it there are more instances of spontaneous desire until you find a good balance.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> What? I am a sexually active man and cannot have sex if I do not want it. for sake of marriage or not. For women it is even more difficult if not impossible to have sex when she is not aroused. Having sex when one does not want it, is really a rape, self inflicted or forced by your partner.


Self inflicted rape. Now I've heard everything.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Those are broken relationships IMO. If a spouse is using their partner as a tool, sex or whatever, they aren't a loving spouse and there are likely other issues in the marriage. If this is happening it is unlikely to be fixed
> 
> 
> I didn't say that they were doing it solely to make their spouse happy. That is just a side benefit from an activity that you are presumably enjoying. I can't compare a job to sex with a spouse. If you consider sex with your spouse on par with the drudgery of going to work every day at a job you don't like your marriage is broken. Likewise, if the husband doesn't care about their partner's satisfaction then something is broken in the marriage that goes beyond the bedroom. This is a two way street. If one spouse is willing to give the other a chance to get them turned on and in the mood the least the recipient of that opportunity can do is attempt to satisfy their generous partner. That is still no guarantee there will be an orgasm, but at least the attempt was made.
> ...


I'm not saying you said solely to make them happy but I'm pointing out that not all husband actual put a ton of effort into the her orgasm aspect. Many think sticking in a penis is enough or if it isn't then it's up to her to 'make' it work. There are responses on this thread that show the lack of understanding or caring about her pleasure. 

My response while quoting you wasn't just a response to you. Sorry I didn't make that clear. My point I agree with being open to being aroused. BUT you have to recognize that many of the men don't put in the work for arousal or satisfaction. We see it on the porn thread where men admit sex is too much work so they watch porn. But feeling good and not orgasming REGULARLY can be very frustrating as well. It can also make one partner feel like sex is only for one of the people which then makes it a job. We don't know exactly what's happening in this relationship. Hopefully OP will give us more info. But look at some of the responses. Then think about what I've said. I know I can begin to see why some of these problems exist.....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> What? I am a sexually active man and cannot have sex if I do not want it. for sake of marriage or not. For women it is even more difficult if not impossible to have sex when she is not aroused. Having sex when one does not want it, is really a rape, self inflicted or forced by your partner.


I made a decision when I married my husband of 17 years that I would never reject him sexually due to his many rejections in his first marriage. 
Do you think that every single time in 17 years I felt like having sex? Of course not. But I had sex with him anyway and believe me you can still enjoy sex even if may not have felt like it and you can choose to give enjoyment no matter what. 
It certainly wasn't rape or forced, what a strange thing to say, it was a decision I made and much appreciated by my husband. It also helped strengthen our relationship.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Kput said:


> "that's your problem," must have stung, I would have trouble forgetting that. Ouch.


It got to the point, that I essentially told her that if it was my problem, I would fix it. In which case she would be a thirtysomething single mother. Or it could be our problem and we could work on it. At that point she didn't see it as only my problem anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Self inflicted rape. Now I've heard everything.


Yes, apparently a spouse can't decide to give their partner pleasure in sex even if they may not 'feel' like it, or its rape. Madness.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

leftfield said:


> I think it is great that you are trying to find some answers. One of the things that really got on my nerves over the years is that my ld wife would not put any work into trying to fix things. I mean, barring some type of dimension, I will never forget hearing: "that's your problem", when trying to talk with her.


This is a very good point. How did you two overcome that bad attitude she had?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm not saying you said solely to make them happy but I'm pointing out that not all husband actual put a ton of effort into the her orgasm aspect. Many think sticking in a penis is enough or if it isn't then it's up to her to 'make' it work. There are responses on this thread that show the lack of understanding or caring about her pleasure.
> 
> My response while quoting you wasn't just a response to you. Sorry I didn't make that clear. My point I agree with being open to being aroused. BUT you have to recognize that many of the men don't put in the work for arousal or satisfaction. We see it on the porn thread where men admit sex is too much work so they watch porn. But feeling good and not orgasming REGULARLY can be very frustrating as well. It can also make one partner feel like sex is only for one of the people which then makes it a job. We don't know exactly what's happening in this relationship. Hopefully OP will give us more info. But look at some of the responses. Then think about what I've said. I know I can begin to see why some of these problems exist.....


Thanks for the clarification, makes sense. I can't argue that comments like "how hard is it to spread your legs?" isn't coming from a kind and loving person and they probably don't give a crap about whether their wife orgasms or not. I guess I think (or hope) that those are more rare than the men that enjoy sex with their wife and care enough to do their best to satisfy them. I'm giving the OP's husband the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a selfish lover since she hasn't made any negative comment about him other than their libidos are mismatched. Which again, is why I asked about pleasure and orgasm. I hope she comes back since her asking for advice leads me to believe their is hope for them to figure this out.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> This is a very good point. How did you two overcome that bad attitude she had?


Its been a long process which started well before she ever made that statement and continued for many years after. Generally speaking, I needed to stop being a 'nice guy' and I need to start clearly stating want I wanted from my sex life. She could then make her own choices.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Having sex when one does not want it, is really a rape,


Derp derp derp!!!

Oh boy! 🙄


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Self inflicted rape. Now I've heard everything.


I'll make the admission, I have raped myself on a few occasions.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'll make the admission, I have raped myself on a few occasions.


No words....🤣🤣🤣


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

When you do have sex with your husband, do you try different things or is it the same position and same foreplay every time? Do you offer alternatives to intercourse for those times you don’t want it so that he still feels connected to you?


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

leftfield said:


> My wife and I have had some success at working on mismatched libido's and we are doing better than ever sexually. We will celebrate our 22nd anniversary this month and our sex life is the best it has ever been.
> 
> I think it is great that you are trying to find some answers. One of the things that really got on my nerves over the years is that my ld wife would not put any work into trying to fix things. I mean, barring some type of dimension, I will never forget hearing: "that's your problem", when trying to talk with her. So again, I commend you on doing some work.
> 
> You really should answer some of the questions that people have asked you. I don't know if any of my ideas would help you or not, because we don't know enough about your situation.


Honestly I got a little triggered with some of the responses so far. And then work day, ect. 

Mostly I'd just love to hear what has worked for other people who've been through similar struggles. 
He and I can sus out together what would be worth trying and what wouldn't for our specific situation but the whole scope spans years and trying to summarize that can be daunting.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> All she needs to do is be open to the possibility that she could get aroused, allow herself to get aroused. Then it is up to her husband to initiate in a way that gets her aroused. I do this all the time with my wife. If we waited until she was actively aroused we would be lucky to have sex once a week. However, since she is open to me putting the moves on her and gives me an honest chance to get her turned on we have sex 5x a week.
> 
> 
> ETA: I still really want to know the answer to this: What is it about experiencing intimate pleasure and orgasms (I assume you have them) with your husband that you don't like?



I don't dislike orgasms or intimacy with husband. My body doesn't get aroused regularly or with ease.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Thats kind of a quitters attitude. The OP seems to want to find a solution to the problem. With work and medical help she could probably get to a place where she desires and enjoys sex a few times a week. If they have a great marriage otherwise, it would be a big mistake on her husbands part to quit on the marriage because he's not getting it everyday. In reality maybe he finds a woman who really wants it everyday but there will likely be less happiness in other aspects of the relationship. I can see that being a situation where one will discover the grass wasn't greener over there.
> 
> I can say with 100% confidence that if I had quit on my wife in a year or two it took to re-awaken her libido It would have been the biggest mistake of my life by a very wide margin. We went from her providing mostly duty sex for a solid year to having a wild sex life at a level that the vast majority of even high drive men would find to far beyond their comfort level in about 2 years.
> 
> ...


Yes! This! Thank you. 
"This person ****ing gets it!" -Husband


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You just have sex, it's not difficult. We're talking about a situation where she wants to make him happy. Part of increasing ones desired frequency is a fake it till you make it scenario. As you work on addressing issues that might be hurting your libido you maintain a higher than desired frequency (within reason). It starts as responsive desire and as you work on it there are more instances of spontaneous desire until you find a good balance.


Tried that. It DID NOT go well. For either of us. 

Other people following this who are interested in the advice please don't do this.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> When you do have sex with your husband, do you try different things or is it the same position and same foreplay every time? Do you offer alternatives to intercourse for those times you don’t want it so that he still feels connected to you?


Our sex is not what I would call ... vanilla. Sure sometimes we default to certain positions we know we like and that work for us but we are no novices to trying new things. We have recently started trying non penatrative sex. Jury is still out on that.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FluffyDevil said:


> Yes! This! Thank you.
> "This person ****ing gets it!" -Husband


I can't stress enough, one of the things that kept me committed to making things work was the fact that my wife worked very hard herself to overcome the problem, and that she saw it as a problem. If you read the LD/HD relationship threads on here with a keen eye, you will feel the pain coming from the HD partner due to the fact that the LD partner seems to just not care to address the problem. The lack of effort or concern is worse than the low amount of sex. You actively working on it is half (or more) of the battle.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm not saying you said solely to make them happy but I'm pointing out that not all husband actual put a ton of effort into the her orgasm aspect. Many think sticking in a penis is enough or if it isn't then it's up to her to 'make' it work. There are responses on this thread that show the lack of understanding or caring about her pleasure.
> 
> My response while quoting you wasn't just a response to you. Sorry I didn't make that clear. My point I agree with being open to being aroused. BUT you have to recognize that many of the men don't put in the work for arousal or satisfaction. We see it on the porn thread where men admit sex is too much work so they watch porn. But feeling good and not orgasming REGULARLY can be very frustrating as well. It can also make one partner feel like sex is only for one of the people which then makes it a job. We don't know exactly what's happening in this relationship. Hopefully OP will give us more info. But look at some of the responses. Then think about what I've said. I know I can begin to see why some of these problems exist.....


This is definitely not the problem. My husband is VERY generous and attentive during sex. If I do get aroused during I let him know (per his request) or request assistance in "finishing" which he is more than happy to do. Honestly I don't even have to request verbally. If I grab the vibrator he knows what's up and jumps on board.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I made a decision when I married my husband of 17 years that I would never reject him sexually due to his many rejections in his first marriage.
> Do you think that every single time in 17 years I felt like having sex? Of course not. But I had sex with him anyway and believe me you can still enjoy sex even if may not have felt like it and you can choose to give enjoyment no matter what.
> It certainly wasn't rape or forced, what a strange thing to say, it was a decision I made and much appreciated by my husband. It also helped strengthen our relationship.


I did try this for, honestly way too long. Neither of us were enjoying it. There are times I can get there. Overall though it didn't work for us. Genuinely glad it worked for you!


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

leftfield said:


> It got to the point, that I essentially told her that if it was my problem, I would fix it. In which case she would be a thirtysomething single mother. Or it could be our problem and we could work on it. At that point she didn't see it as only my problem anymore.


We have been there! He said it was my problem because I wasn't being an active partner and he was discouraged with being alone in it. After that I said it was his problem cuz I felt like it was his libido that was the problem.

We were dumb. We got better.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FluffyDevil said:


> Tried that. It DID NOT go well. For either of us.
> 
> Other people following this who are interested in the advice please don't do this.


What was the problem? What we did was commit to once to twice a week at first and as we worked on other relationship focused things we eventually were at 2-3 times. What happens when you're both putting in the other work is the quality of those 1-2 times continuously improves for the LD person and eventually they are comfortable adding a third time every few weeks. It's a very gradual building process in conjunction with all the other non sex focused work. And the key is you base the progression on the enjoyment of the LD person, you don't consider an increase unless the LD person is enjoying each encounter. We were being guided by one of the worlds foremost experts in womens sexual health and female libido issues. Check her out, Dr. Jen, she was amazing. I don't know if she has gotten too big to regularly see clients anymore, she was already expensive 12 years ago. Dr. Jen

We had built up to 2 times a week with a third time every other week when she started the hormone treatment. At that point the emotional and life issues were in a good place, so when the testosterone kicked in it was like a rocket ship blasting off.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> OK but being honest do you believe that? What thoughts go through your mind when he wants to have sex. Be honest here.


Yes I believe him. He also wants to feel desired by me. Which I don't think is unreasonable and would like to provide. I'm just not going to force myself to and if I try to it's apparent I'm forcing it. When he wants to have sex I reflect on myself and my body to figure out where I am at in that moment. Or if I feel like it's something my body could get into. If not, I don't (taken a gooood long while to train myslef out of the habit of giving into begrudging sex. Neither of us want that.) If so, I engage.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

FluffyDevil said:


> Yes I believe him. He also wants to feel desired by me. Which I don't think is unreasonable and would like to provide. I'm just not going to force myself to and if I try to it's apparent I'm forcing it. When he wants to have sex I reflect on myself and my body to figure out where I am at in that moment. Or if I feel like it's something my body could get into. If not, I don't (taken a gooood long while to train myslef out of the habit of giving into begrudging sex. Neither of us want that.) If so, I engage.


The fake it till you make it was extremely detrimental to us in the past and led down a rabbit hole. If we had done it in conjuction with hormone treatments and therapy maybe it would have been different, but I have a strong aversion to the idea of trying that again.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FluffyDevil said:


> The fake it till you make it was extremely detrimental to us in the past and led down a rabbit hole. If we had done it in conjuction with hormone treatments and therapy maybe it would have been different, but I have a strong aversion to the idea of trying that again.


Fake it till you make it was probably a poor choice of words for what we did in reality. I explained better in another post. You enjoying each encounter is key and determines the frequency.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Fake it till you make it was probably a poor choice of words for what we did in reality. I explained better in another post. You enjoying each encounter is key and determines the frequency.


Yeah that wording may have triggered us a bit. Lol the rest sounds good.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@FluffyDevil have you had discussion with and hormone workup by a gyno and/or endo? Honestly that is only thing that comes to my mind. We have not had the missmatched libido thing (both pretty high, daily is our norm). 

Applaud your interest in working the problem


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FluffyDevil said:


> Yeah that wording may have triggered us a bit. Lol the rest sounds good.


Yah having decent sex when you're not really i the mood can be a nice thing for the LD partner, having bad sex when your not in the mood is traveling in reverse and good for no one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FluffyDevil said:


> Yes I believe him. He also wants to feel desired by me. Which I don't think is unreasonable and would like to provide. I'm just not going to force myself to and if I try to it's apparent I'm forcing it. When he wants to have sex I reflect on myself and my body to figure out where I am at in that moment. Or if I feel like it's something my body could get into. If not, I don't (taken a gooood long while to train myslef out of the habit of giving into begrudging sex. Neither of us want that.) If so, I engage.


People often think that a behavior follows a feeling and that feelings should by necessity precede taking action. 

But this is not always true. Feelings can follow actions. It is very common for women in long term relationships to not "feel" spontaneous desire. This is where responsive desire can come into play but it often follows actions. 

In other words instead of innately feeling desire and then acting on that desire, the actions of seduction, touching, stroking, kissing, caressing, making out etc etc come first and with that arousal and desire follow. 

And interesting side note is I listened to a podcast the other day where a sexologist was describing some sex manuals written in the early 1900s did not have the word "foreplay" at that time. The term used in those times to indicate activities for arousal was "making love" which we now use as a euphemism for having sex including intercourse. 

So from earlier texts it was known and recommended that couples engage in "making love" to stimulate desire and arousal. 

This is NOT faking it till you make it. This is engaging in loving and pleasurable and arousing behavior. The desire and arousal may follow. 

This is where open communication and expressing each of your interests and desires and boundaries etc etc comes into play and even where sex therapy with a good therapist can help bridge the gap between the two levels of resting libido. 

IMHO you two are already at least halfway there in that you have been addressing it and working towards mutually agreeable solution.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And another thing that can help with mismatched levels of spontaneous desire is to reevaluate what you consider "sex" and intimacy. 

People often get way too focused on PIV intercourse and only see sex as intercourse and only see intercourse as sex. Sexuality is actually a large constellation of pleasurable and arousing and even satisfying activities that do not have to involve intercourse if "going all the way" is not in the cards. 

Exploring other activites and techniques and exploring all the things that "outercourse" can entail can be a powerful force multiplier in the bedroom. 

Not everyone is going to be up for full intercourse all the time. Attempting PIV when when a woman is not fully aroused and ready can be a downright painful and even traumatic event. If she is at least open for some physical closeness and loving but it's not in the cards for full PIV, there are lots of other things that people can do to love and pleasure and connect and even orgasm with each other. 

Again this takes open communication and collaboration and this is also where sex therapy can be very beneficial in help bridge the gap between spontaneous libidos.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FluffyDevil said:


> Yes I believe him. He also wants to feel desired by me. Which I don't think is unreasonable and would like to provide. I'm just not going to force myself to and if I try to it's apparent I'm forcing it. When he wants to have sex I reflect on myself and my body to figure out where I am at in that moment. Or if I feel like it's something my body could get into. If not, I don't (taken a gooood long while to train myslef out of the habit of giving into begrudging sex. Neither of us want that.) If so, I engage.


Can you sometimes just enjoy giving him enjoyment?


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

The OP sounds just like my wife. I’ve tried suggesting alternatives to intercourse and she says no to all of them. I feel for your husband because I can relate to him. Please find a way to re-engage with him and find a way to desire him as well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FluffyDevil said:


> Yes I believe him. He also wants to feel desired by me. Which I don't think is unreasonable and would like to provide. I'm just not going to force myself to and if I try to it's apparent I'm forcing it. When he wants to have sex I reflect on myself and my body to figure out where I am at in that moment. Or if I feel like it's something my body could get into. If not, I don't (taken a gooood long while to train myslef out of the habit of giving into begrudging sex. Neither of us want that.) If so, I engage.


Do you enjoy it? What do you get out of it if anything? Be honest?


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

FluffyDevil said:


> He has told me. It’s reaffirming. It's a big part of his love language, and it's "the most fun activity" lol


Married 38+ years.

In general:


Men need to feel sexually desired and for his wife to enjoy sex with him, in order to give the deeper intimacies in the marriage.
Women need to feel and get intimacies to feel like bei g sexually intimate.
There are exceptions though. If I pay attention to, talk to, be non-sexually intimate with my wife, she generally is in the mood for sexual intimacy. 

I think a lot of issues with sex in marriage is the couple stops "dating rituals", paying attention to each other, etc. Work, kids, daily chores and adult life in general consumes a lot of energy and time. 

Learn to take at least a half an hour a day as couple time, not sex...no kids, phones. Sit on the porch, talk, take a walk, etc.

At least twice a month plan and date, court each other again. Again, no phones, kids or other distractions. Go mini-golfing, a movie, go to a museum, go to a nice restaurant then dancing. Pay attention to each other as mates. Not as Mom and Dad..


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, you have a low sex drive and you don't magically find a a way to increase it. Do you ever think about sex? My first port of call would be your GP, since you need to find the root cause. Do you take any medicines that could lower it? Or you could go to counselling, alone or together. It's vast subject and I doubt you'll find the answer on a forum.


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> My wife had a big dip in Libido post kids It was a problem for a few years. She was about as disturbed by it as I was so she took the lead in finding help, which seems to be the determining factor in success in these situations based on all the stories here on TAM. She went to her doctor multiple times both PCP and OB (both female doctors), neither were any help at all. She use to listen to a show on sirius radio about womens sexual health with Dr. Jen Berman. She ended up scheduling a consultation with Dr. Jen who ordered a bunch of blood tests and spent about an hour on the phone discussing the results and options. Her testosterone with fairly low so Dr. Jen scheduled an in person appointment with a colleague who was studying testosterone therapy to treat low libido in women. That doctor first prescribed a testosterone cream which did very little. Then he prescribed injections once every two weeks. 3-4 weeks after starting the shots my wife was a nymphomaniac. She took the injections for about 16 weeks and stopped. She stayed with a very high libido for months after starting. From what we can tell the testosterone plus other things suggested by Dr. Jen (reading erotic literature, watching porn, basically anything to get her in a sexy mindset) get her into a more sexual state and it stayed even without the hormones for quite a while. Once it dipped again she went back on the shots and back in to total nympho mode. This cycle was repeated for years and now she hasn't been on any shots for 4 years and her libido is still through the roof, but she is almost 47 and other lifestyle things might be keeping the drive high.
> 
> The keys for her.
> 1. Focusing on overall health and fitness, eating clean, working out at least 4 hours per week, taking time everyday for herself to relax and destress. She has a red light mask for her skin that she finds very relaxing, she uses it every morning once the kids are off to school and before she showers, usually she has a quick orgasm while using the mask (masturbation) this puts her in a nice relaxed and sexually grounded state to start her day.
> ...


This is one of the best answers to this dilemma I have ever read on TAM and shows how non sexual activities affect sexual things. 
I wonder if the ops husband puts as much effort into building romance, intimacy and sexual tension and caring for his wife needs as he does complaining about frequency of the sex act. An intimate relationship involves the mind, atmosphere as well as the bodily act of intercourse.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Married 38+ years.
> 
> In general:
> 
> ...


Good advise but not what's needed here. We love spending time time together and are a little obsessed with eachother tbh. We spend almost all of our free time with eachother.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

DaringGreatly said:


> This is one of the best answers to this dilemma I have ever read on TAM and shows how non sexual activities affect sexual things.
> I wonder if the ops husband puts as much effort into building romance, intimacy and sexual tension and caring for his wife needs as he does complaining about frequency of the sex act. An intimate relationship involves the mind, atmosphere as well as the bodily act of intercourse.


Open and honestly expressing a desire and need is not "complaining" about it. He is very attentive and receptive to my needs and wants.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> OP, you have a low sex drive and you don't magically find a a way to increase it. Do you ever think about sex? My first port of call would be your GP, since you need to find the root cause. Do you take any medicines that could lower it? Or you could go to counselling, alone or together. It's vast subject and I doubt you'll find the answer on a forum.


This definitely isn't the only resource we are exploring. Unfortunately I make to make to qualify for insurance assistance in my state but not enough to actually afford it.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

FluffyDevil said:


> Good advise but not what's needed here. We love spending time time together and are a little obsessed with eachother tbh. We spend almost all of our free time with eachother.


Then I suggest you get a full physical to determine if hormones or any other physical issue is impacting your libido and desire. If so, deal with it. Mine was caused by cancer.

If there are no hormonal/physical issues, I suggest you see a therapist or psychiatrist to determine why you have little or no desire for your husband.

You are a slippery slope to being in a bad situation. Very few men are going to accept gracefully either a wife who gets in the mood every now and then, is given "duty passionless sex" or who's wife obviously does not desire or find him attractive.

Ultimately, sex in humans is as much mental as physical. So, as a husband....some will be more patient than others....but none are going to accept what you describe long-term. It will lead to one of three things if you do not address it with professionals (not on Internet forums). These are:


He is going to resent you and leave for a better mate
He is going to resent you and find women on the side OR
He is going resent you and you marriage will become toxic
It really depends on his age, his moral convictions and how much he is willing to put up from you not desiring him.

There is a real truth here. You control the access of the horse to water....but you do not have the only pond to drink from. Low libido in marriage, without a medical reason (physical or psychological) is about one person, in this case you, denying affection to your mate. A wife who shows low attraction or desire for her husband is on the road to heartbreak.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Then I suggest you get a full physical to determine if hormones or any other physical issue is impacting your libido and desire. If so, deal with it. Mine was caused by cancer.
> 
> If there are no hormonal/physical issues, I suggest you see a therapist or psychiatrist to determine why you have little or no desire for your husband.
> 
> ...


I can attest to this. I’m in that resentful stage and unfortunately I’m in a dilemma on how to deal with it. She knows how I feel and nothing changes.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So if she wants it once a week and he wants it once a year he needs to tell her it is not his problem and just go and jerk off? What a stupid comment.
> 
> Wanting daily intimacy is totally normal. We have been married for 25 years and have sex almost every day unless there is something that prevents us from doing this. It has been 14 days we had sex every day.
> 
> It is not her problem she has low libido. It is not his problem he has high one. It is their problem they have mismatched libidos.


Most are mismatched


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

@GoodDad5

Do the 180. Disengage and tell her you are done unless she works with you to fix it. Our issue with wife's low libido (not my cancer) happened about 15 years ago. I got resentful and snippy and finally just told her straight up... ."You can love me fully as a husband or I will find a woman who will". "I did not marry you to just have a best friend or roommate, I married you to be my mate.... physically, emotionally and sexually".

In our case, we worked it out. We are now in our late fifties and have a satisfying marriage and sex life. I am a cancer survivor and have low T. She has rheumatoid arthritis and we have sex at least twice a week, not just PIV. For me, sex has never just been about busting a nut. Sex for me has always been an expression of my love for her and it means more to me when she reciprocated and gives back.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FluffyDevil said:


> My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it. It came close to ending us a few times. In the past few years we've learned to talk more openly and listen to eachother with more empathy and have been tackling this issue in a MUCH more healthy and productive way then when we started. We've left some serious scars on eachother that we are still healing from.
> The rest of our relationship is basicly a fairy tale its so damn good. But the libdeo difference still effects us negatively and we are running out of ideas we can try to find a healthy balance.
> I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


I didn't see if this was asked or answered by you, but you say your libido "started to dip after 2 years"....do you mean that you used to have a high sex drive and then it went away? Did you used to enjoy orgasms and now you don't? Or did they become more difficult for you? Did you used to enjoy sexual touching and now you don't?

And are you attracted to your husband, but you just don't feel a need to express that love and attraction sexually?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

GoodDad5 said:


> I can attest to this. I’m in that resentful stage and unfortunately I’m in a dilemma on how to deal with it. She knows how I feel and nothing changes.


You are resentful because you expect her to start caring about what you want...even though she has shown you over and over for YEARS that she does not care at all. Your expectations are unrealistic.

SHE WILL NOT CHANGE. She knows you will tolerate her being selfish, because you have been tolerating it. You are giving her the message that HER needs should be more important than yours are in your marriage.

YOU must change. It's the only way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey @FluffyDevil , just a ticklish question?

Are you attracted to anyone sexually?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BootsAndJeans said:


> @GoodDad5
> 
> Do the 180. Disengage and tell her you are done unless she works with you to fix it. Our issue with wife's low libido (not my cancer) happened about 25 years ago. I got resentful and snippy and finally just told eher straight up... ."You can love me fully as a husband or I will find a woman who will". "I did not marry you to just have a best friend or roommate, I married you to be my mate.... physically, emotionally and sexually".
> 
> In our case, we worked it out. We are now in our late fifties and have a satisfying marriage and sex life. I am a cancer survivor and have low T. She has rheumatoid arthritis and we have sex at least twice a week, not just PIV. For me, sex has never just been about busting a nut. Sex for me has always been an expression of my love for her and it means more to me when she reciprocated and gives back.


I did that and only got duty sex. Maybe your situation was more solvable than mine. Sometimes, if sex is an important part of the marriage for one of the partners, the only option is to find another willing partner. Or accept a diminished sex life.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FluffyDevil said:


> This definitely isn't the only resource we are exploring. Unfortunately I make to make to qualify for insurance assistance in my state but not enough to actually afford it.


But my other question was: do you ever think about sex?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> You are resentful because you expect her to start caring about what you want...even though she has shown you over and over for YEARS that she does not care at all. Your expectations are unrealistic.
> 
> SHE WILL NOT CHANGE. She knows you will tolerate her being selfish, because you have been tolerating it. You are giving her the message that HER needs should be more important than yours are in your marriage.
> 
> YOU must change. It's the only way.


Yup


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> But my other question was: do you ever think about sex?


Be careful there. 

She is not a man. You can't use a male metric to measure a woman's sexual capacity. 

Men think about sex. 

Men think about sex while they're at the gas station sticking the nozzle into the tank. Men think about sex when they are reaching into the mailbox to get the mail. At times it's hard for men to think about anything else. 

But wives in long term marriages with young children are not men. They do not have the constant flow of high levels of testosterone and other sex hormones that men do so they are not in a constant state of baseline sexual desire. 

A mother of young children that has been with the same man for 10+ years, truly does not have sex on the brain during the course of normal daily activities like a man does. 

It doesn't mean she's asexual. It doesn't mean she no longer loves or no longer thinks her husband is attractive. It doesn't even mean that she no longer wants to have a sex life. 

It means she changing diapers, cleaning up puke, cleaning out the catbox, wiping up dozens of spills throughout the day and worrying about if the next door neighbors have noticed that she hasn't had a chance to pick the blades of grass out of the cracks in the driveway yet. Sex is number 7,624,981 on her list of things to do at that moment. 

A good analogy between men and women's resting libido is to think of sexual desire like hot water in the house. men are like the old tank water heaters. The flame is always on and the tank is always full of hot water available in an instant at any given time. 

Women are like the tankless water heater. The flame is off. The water is innately cold and there is no hot water just sitting in the tank waiting for use at any moment. 

The tankless has to be turned on and fired up before there can be any hot water. 

A wife and mother in a long term marriage has no resting hot water.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Be careful there.
> 
> She is not a man. You can't use a male metric to measure a woman's sexual capacity.


It was just a straightforward question. I wasn't using any "male metric". I'm pretty sure women think about sex too.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Hey @FluffyDevil , just a ticklish question?
> 
> Are you attracted to anyone sexually?


Great question....interested if she will answer. I had a buddy who told me his wife did not like sex. One Sunday after hunting we came home early, walked in and found her riding a co-worker like a rodeo cowgirl.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Great question....interested if she will answer. I had a buddy who told me his wife did not like sex. One Sunday after hunting we came home early, walked in and found her riding a co-worker like a rodeo cowgirl.


Seen similar often. Not the naked rodeo infidelity but you know.😉


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> It was just a straightforward question. I wasn't using any "male metric". I'm pretty sure women think about sex too.


Yeah but probably not in any similar manner to what men do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah but probably not in any similar manner to what men do.


Are you kidding?

Women got their horny, tree climbing, banana munching monkeys going on in their minds.😁


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> But my other question was: do you ever think about sex?


Spontaneously? No. Not really. I'm going to start reading erotic fiction soon to tey to help with that but that's my best idea for that so far.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> The OP sounds just like my wife. I’ve tried suggesting alternatives to intercourse and she says no to all of them. I feel for your husband because I can relate to him. Please find a way to re-engage with him and find a way to desire him as well.


Ha! I don't say no to much... if I'm interested in engaging I do. Sometimes there are things he requests I don't have the interest in at the time but I'll try just about anything. He will try anything twice.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Hey @FluffyDevil , just a ticklish question?
> 
> Are you attracted to anyone sexually?


Yes, primarilly my husband. Hes sexy AF. I just don't have the chemical drive. I don't crave sex. It's fun. Sometimes I can get into it enough to get off. Sometimes not. We aren't dead bedroom. We do still have sex. I guess it's mostly the lack of spontaneous desire that's the issue.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FluffyDevil said:


> guess it's mostly the lack of spontaneous desire that's the issue.


Honestly, why is that a problem? I guess if it is a big desl for the two of you so be it. Just seems like a lot of stress for no reason.

Wife has been responsive desire our entire long marriage. She always gets cranked up from me romancing her. The full extent of her spontaneity is to sometimes ask “wanna go lay down?” Not a problem as far as I am concerned.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

Basically what I've gotten from this:

It helped identify that basicly what we are missing is spontaneous desire from me. 

try to have good sex as often as we can. 
-was pretty much on that mind track anyway and was playing with the idea of pavloving myslef.

Get health insurance and see a Dr. 

Quiting smoking and exersize would of course help but that's a longer road.

Not a bad takeaway. Over all pretty helpful 

Thank you very much to most that participated. 

Some of you are pretty bitter on this subject and considering what we went through with it I don't nessissary blame you. But just because it didn't work for your relationship doesn't mean it's impossible for others.
That seems like a faily egotistical view. 
"I couldn't do it so no one else can" 
Best of luck finding partners who have the exact libido as you all the time forever.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Honestly, why is that a problem? I guess if it is a big desl for the two of you so be it. Just seems like a lot of stress for no reason.
> 
> Wife has been responsive desire our entire long marriage. She always gets cranked up from me romancing her. The full extent of her spontaneity is to sometimes ask “wanna go lay down?” Not a problem as far as I am concerned.


He wants to feel desired and chased after as well. Why should I be only one getting romanced? Seems reasonable to me. I don't see trying to make both of us happy and satisfied in this aspect of a relationship unworthy of some stress.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> You are resentful beca
> use you expect her to start caring about what you want...even though she has shown you over and over for YEARS that she does not care at all. Your expectations are unrealistic.
> 
> SHE WILL NOT CHANGE. She knows you will tolerate her being selfish, because you have been tolerating it. You are giving her the message that HER needs should be more important than yours are in your marriage.
> ...


@GoodDad5

Without consequences, she will not change a thing. She has a secure place to live & sleep, food to eat and a husband who bends to her will. 

Change you. Make her chase you. Stop doing anything for her or with her, except the bare minimum. What finally hit my wife 15ish years ago, was I told her I was tired of being at home & in bed and no affection or physical bonding. I told her I can sleep in the guest bedroom and I can go out and find other things to occupy my time.

I moved out got two weeks, ghosted her calls and texts...no contact at all. Took out $2,000 cash and she had no idea where I was. I told her I was taking two weeks vacation from her and our marriage. When I got back, I expected an answer to if she wanted a husband or a roommate. If the latter, I would file divorce and she could start over. But, I was no longer going to live like this. 

I basically slept at a cheap by the week hotel, went to work and nothing much else but think. At this time, the kids were in college and she was alone in the house. When I came back, I had her answer and we worked to be a couple again. 

Do not accept her rejecting and cutting you off one more day. The reality is that once you start hitting your forties, men have a much better probability of finding a new mate than a woman of that age has. Do not live in misery and being rejected. Call her bluff, make her face what she has done.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah but probably not in any similar manner to what men do.


Maybe not, but I would like to hear the OP’s answer without any assumptions.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FluffyDevil said:


> Spontaneously? No. Not really. I'm going to start reading erotic fiction soon to tey to help with that but that's my best idea for that so far.


thank you… I’ve had my answer… 😊


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you both had a physical recently?

I'm wondering about your hormone balance and if they are at healthy levels.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Have you both had a physical recently?
> 
> I'm wondering about your hormone balance and if they are at healthy levels.


Definitely something we are going to work toward. We just talked about finances and adding me to his work Insurance. I'm pretty sure hormone levels are the crux. So, That and continuing the positive reinforcements and communication should be keeping us on the path.


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

FluffyDevil said:


> Definitely something we are going to work toward. We just talked about finances and adding me to his work Insurance. I'm pretty sure hormone levels are the crux. So, That and continuing the positive reinforcements and communication should be keeping us on the path.


If you are desiring intimacy 2 to 3 times a week already then there is probably nothing wrong with your hormones. That is a pretty normal rate by most marriage standards. 

Is it your intention to try and match your husband's rate of everyday or multiple times a day? 

You stated earlier that he wants to feel desired by you. Perhaps you can agree that three nights a week he initiates the way he wants to. Two nights a week you initiate things your way and two nights a week you get a pressure free night to just chill and do self care. Maybe on those nights off you can rest, recover and plan how to seduce your husband when it's your night.


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## FluffyDevil (1 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> I can attest to this. I’m in that resentful stage and unfortunately I’m in a dilemma on how to deal with it. She knows how I feel and nothing changes.


I really hope you guys can work through it! Being completely honest with eachother and listening with empathy was seriously the key for us to get as far as we have.
It's definitely an easier said than done situation. We've had to call eachother out when we start falling into being attacky about how we are feeling and redirect back to "we are team. Here are the facts and how we are both feeling, how do we work on this together." 
I don't know about your SO but for me it took a while to train myself away from "he's saying this because I'm not enough, or I'm broken, or other hurtful thoughts.
Having him reaffirm that he isn't trying to be attacky, but rather making sure I know how he feels helped A LOT. He has needs. And that's okay.


DaringGreatly said:


> If you are desiring intimacy 2 to 3 times a week already then there is probably nothing wrong with your hormones. That is a pretty normal rate by most marriage standards.
> 
> Is it your intention to try and match your husband's rate of everyday or multiple times a day?
> 
> You stated earlier that he wants to feel desired by you. Perhaps you can agree that three nights a week he initiates the way he wants to. Two nights a week you initiate things your way and two nights a week you get a pressure free night to just chill and do self care. Maybe on those nights off you can rest, recover and plan how to seduce your husband when it's your night.


With my current drive I'd be fine once a week or 2. Maybe even less sometimes. We'd like it to be twice a week on average. With me feeling the desire to initiate about 50% of the time.

Currently I don't have much if any drive for initiating. I definitely don't want to have sex everyday. I enjoy doing other things. Lol


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FluffyDevil said:


> definitely don't want to have sex everyday.


Will just say hormones can change your tune about every day. My wife is an example.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

My wife of 28 years can’t recall the last time she had sexy thoughts about us. I asked. She has initiated twice in 22 years. Yet once once I rev her engine, so to speak, it’s all good. I’ve determined it’s all on me to start things up. That’s just how it is for her and for many wives. Sex? Not a priority for them but once the fun begins, they warm up to the idea quickly and are fun. Sure, it bugs me but that’s how it goes. Once you accept that, it’s much better.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

FluffyDevil said:


> I really hope you guys can work through it! Being completely honest with eachother and listening with empathy was seriously the key for us to get as far as we have.
> It's definitely an easier said than done situation. We've had to call eachother out when we start falling into being attacky about how we are feeling and redirect back to "we are team. Here are the facts and how we are both feeling, how do we work on this together."
> I don't know about your SO but for me it took a while to train myself away from "he's saying this because I'm not enough, or I'm broken, or other hurtful thoughts.
> Having him reaffirm that he isn't trying to be attacky, but rather making sure I know how he feels helped A LOT. He has needs. And that's okay.
> ...


Great that you’ve worked through it together.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Great question....interested if she will answer. I had a buddy who told me his wife did not like sex. One Sunday after hunting we came home early, walked in and found her riding a co-worker like a rodeo cowgirl.


WOW!!! And you both armed after hunting. Okay, let’s hear the rest of the story after you found “ride him, cowgirl” Gotta be wild.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My wife of 28 years can’t recall the last time she had sexy thoughts about us. I asked. She has initiated twice in 22 years. Yet once once I rev her engine, so to speak, it’s all good. I’ve determined it’s all on me to start things up. That’s just how it is for her and for many wives. Sex? Not a priority for them but once the fun begins, they warm up to the idea quickly and are fun. Sure, it bugs me but that’s how it goes. Once you accept that, it’s much better.



I've got no problem initiating the majority of the time, the resentment and issues occur when I get rejected 4 times out of 5.

Ok, so let's say my wife meets a new man. On a first date or second whatever she says to him, just wanted to let you know that I never initiate sex or intimacy of any kind, so it's all on you. Also when you do initiate I'll probably turn you down 4 out of 5 times. It will just be sex whenever I want really, and I don't care if you want to or your needs aren't getting met.

If you jump in the shower when I'm in there I'll push you back out, and I'll never just come over and kiss you randomly.

Do you think any man is going to accept that at the start of relationship? I don't. By the way I'm under no illusions that my wife will be like that with another man, she'd probably be the complete opposite.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BIL310 said:


> I've got no problem initiating the majority of the time, the resentment and issues occur when I get rejected 4 times out of 5.
> 
> Ok, so let's say my wife meets a new man. On a first date or second whatever she says to him, just wanted to let you know that I never initiate sex or intimacy of any kind, so it's all on you. Also when you do initiate I'll probably turn you down 4 out of 5 times. It will just be sex whenever I want really, and I don't care if you want to or your needs aren't getting met.
> 
> ...


Good post. I think mine would be more active with another man, but perhaps that’s my mind playing tricks on me. In pillow talk we have, she’s proactive in sex. How she was long ago with me.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> WOW!!! And you both armed after hunting. Okay, let’s hear the rest of the story after you found “ride him, cowgirl” Gotta be wild.


Guns were unloaded and in cases. I had a pistol on my hip. The coworker about crapped himself. Two guys come in and one with a pistol. My buddy put in a head lock, punched him a couple of times and then threw him out of the house naked tossed his keys to him and told him he had to choices, leave now or die. Guy drove away naked. Was told later his BW took him to the cleaners and my buddy divorced his wife too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> Ok, so let's say my wife meets a new man. On a first date or second whatever she says to him, just wanted to let you know that I never initiate sex or intimacy of any kind, so it's all on you. Also when you do initiate I'll probably turn you down 4 out of 5 times. It will just be sex whenever I want really, and I don't care if you want to or your needs aren't getting met.
> 
> If you jump in the shower when I'm in there I'll push you back out, and I'll never just come over and kiss you randomly.
> 
> Do you think any man is going to accept that at the start of relationship? I don't. By the way I'm under no illusions that my wife will be like that with another man, she'd probably be the complete opposite.



This above is true. No man would have that. 

But to be fair, men also need to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask themselves if they were to hit the dating market in their current state, would any woman date or have sex with them either. 

If I were to post a picture of me to Tinder sitting in my Archie Bunker Chair in my T-shirt and comfy sweatpants with my laptop in my lap reading about other people’s problems, do you think many chicks are going to be swiping right on me? 

When people get out of relationships and become single and on the dating market, they undergo a metamorphosis. They lose weight, they dress better, they look better, they get out do things, they become more engaging and attentive, they become sexier and more sexually engaging etc etc

Then once they get into a steady, LTR they often start to slump back into their comfy sweats and finger banging their phones again.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Then once they get into a steady, LTR they often start to slump back into their comfy sweats and finger banging their phones again.


That is an awesome description of phone addiction.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

FluffyDevil said:


> My husband and I have mismatched libedos. His is high, mine is low.(relatively) We are 38, been together for 12 years. My libedo started to dip after 2 years and we've struggled alot with it. It came close to ending us a few times. In the past few years we've learned to talk more openly and listen to eachother with more empathy and have been tackling this issue in a MUCH more healthy and productive way then when we started. We've left some serious scars on eachother that we are still healing from.
> The rest of our relationship is basicly a fairy tale its so damn good. But the libdeo difference still effects us negatively and we are running out of ideas we can try to find a healthy balance.
> I'd like to hear from others who have experienced similar mismatched libeods and how they over came it to have a sex life that is satisfying for both partners.


Put out more regularly or get out of the marriage, free him to get someone more compatible


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BIL310 said:


> By the way I'm under no illusions that my wife will be like that with another man, she'd probably be the complete opposite.





Longtime Hubby said:


> *In pillow talk we have, she’s proactive in sex.* How she was long ago with me.


Both of these situations for some reason make me very sad for both of you. I can't imagine living with the thought that my wife would be more enthusiastic sexually with another man. It would kill our marriage.

What does the "in pillow talk" phrase mean? That in her fantasy world she is like the used to be with you?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

When we have pillow talk, she’s more playful as in days gone by


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DaringGreatly said:


> For many Men sexual desire and the sex act is very easy. They get spontaneous erections that they don't have to earn. The world is full of sexualised images of women To turn them on and have them thinking about sex during the day so they are ready to pop by bedtime.
> 
> 99.9% of porn is aimed at the man's needs and pleasure.
> 
> ...


I just saved this post to a Word document. It says a lot about my relationship with my spouse. Well done.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BootsAndJeans said:


> I moved out [for] two weeks, ghosted her calls and texts...no contact at all. Took out $2,000 cash and she had no idea where I was. I told her I was taking two weeks vacation from her and our marriage. When I got back, I expected an answer to if she wanted a husband or a roommate. If the latter, I would file divorce and she could start over. But, I was no longer going to live like this.


I have considered doing this very same thing as recently as this week.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sfort said:


> I have considered doing this very same thing as recently as this week.


The thing is that it doesn't have to be this extreme, although I applaud Boots for having the stones to do it.

Sometimes simply telling your spouse, "No" is enough. It is a complete sentence. Then, when they eventually ask why, simply respond with, "If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me."

It is affectionately referred to on this site as 'Lowering The Thermostat', and it, along with a healthy dose of personal growth, saved my marriage as well. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> The thing is that it doesn't have to be this extreme, although I applaud Boots for having the stones to do it.
> 
> Sometimes simply telling your spouse, "No" is enough. It is a complete sentence. Then, when they eventually ask why, simply respond with, "If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me."
> 
> ...


It's great that this worked for you. If I do it, I'm passive aggressive or an asshole. Things are hard when they seem like they're one way.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sfort said:


> It's great that this worked for you. If I do it, I'm passive aggressive or an asshole. Things are hard when they seem like they're one way.


Is that her labeling you, or you labeling yourself?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> It's great that this worked for you. If I do it, I'm passive aggressive or an asshole. Things are hard when they seem like they're one way.


Her way or the Highway. Feel your pain!


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## MrShipwreck (1 mo ago)

After reading a lot of this thread, I think lots of wives should read the Dr Laura book: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Women really hold all the power in a marriage, and men are fairly simple.

Not everyone may care for Dr Laura, but I listen to her radio show on podcast almost everyday. And she has helped me a lot in various issues by listening to other callers.

Applying things from that book will make everyone in the marriage much happier IMHO.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

MrShipwreck said:


> After reading a lot of this thread, I think lots of wives should read the Dr Laura book: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Women really hold all the power in a marriage, and men are fairly simple.
> 
> Not everyone may care for Dr Laura, but I listen to her radio show on podcast almost everyday. And she has helped me a lot in various issues by listening to other callers.
> 
> Applying things from that book will make everyone in the marriage much happier IMHO.


We took her advice: 10-second kiss goodnight. My wife had been giving me dry boring pecks. I suggested 10 seconds. She agreed. We are happy.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

For those who have been on this site a while, they know I advocate for reducing the thermostat when there is a dead bedroom.

But...

That has to be tempered with realistic expectations. When I first arrived on this site in 2014, it was due to a marriage devoid of sex and respect. In my mind, daily frequency was a compromise. That wasn't really fair, nor much of a compromise. Her idea was once a month or so, which wasn't really a compromise, either. We settled for twice a week. 

Then she balked at that. Six months of trying to push a rope with her on this, and I had enough. I stopped everything nice I did for her: no more calling on the way home if she needed anything; no more back rubs; no more helping her with the animals that I wasn't okay with having anyways; no more lending an ear for venting about her day...full stop. Then, when she got mad about it, I would say, "If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me."

What it comes down to is this:

1. Are you are willing to make the changes to become a better person. Most people who come to this site lose at that step, as they continue to ***** about what their spouse isn't doing, while doing less than nothing to fix their own ****. 

2. Are you willing to stop doing compressions on the coding marriage to see if your spouse will start doing them. Most are too scared to find out, as well as fearing that their spouse won't, so they keep doing the compressions while complaining about their spouse, when really they are mad at themselves for continuing and projecting that anger onto their spouse. 

In other words, you need to have great, big balls (or lady balls, as it were) because you have to be honestly and truly willing to let the marriage die to enact change. 

If you aren't willing to do so, then stop complaining. 

You are where you are because you choose to be.



Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> For those who have been on this site a while, they know I advocate for reducing the thermostat when there is a dead bedroom.
> 
> But...
> 
> ...


I agree with this. My marriage died. So be it. It wasn't a marriage anymore. Also, don't waste too much time. You will regret it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

MrShipwreck said:


> I think lots of wives should read the Dr Laura book: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.


You are assuming that the wives realize there is a problem that needs solving and that they are actively seeking a solution. The same of course goes for husbands whose wives post about their sex-starved marriage. The spouse that is withholding affection doesn't think they are the problem. As far as they are concerned the problem is the other person, cuz "all they ever think about is sex". There are plenty of threads on here where one spouse is desperately trying to engage their husband or wife to throw them a lifeline, with no response.


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## MrShipwreck (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> You are assuming that the wives realize there is a problem that needs solving and that they are actively seeking a solution. The same of course goes for husbands whose wives post about their sex-starved marriage. The spouse that is withholding affection doesn't think they are the problem. As far as they are concerned the problem is the other person, cuz "all they ever think about is sex". There are plenty of threads on here where one spouse is desperately trying to engage their husband or wife to throw them a lifeline, with no response.


I hear what you are saying. But on her show, I also hear lots of callers who call in and say that reading that book really woke them up people that were not previously into Dr Laurua or her show). Usually, someone gave them the book, and they reluctantly read it.

But, the book begins by saying that it will only work if both people chose wisely.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> You are assuming that the wives realize there is a problem that needs solving and that they are actively seeking a solution. The same of course goes for husbands whose wives post about their sex-starved marriage. The spouse that is withholding affection doesn't think they are the problem. As far as they are concerned the problem is the other person, cuz "all they ever think about is sex". There are plenty of threads on here where one spouse is desperately trying to engage their husband or wife to throw them a lifeline, with no response.


The real value of the book is for women that DON’T think it is a problem to deny love and affection to their husbands and think that it won’t effect their husbands negatively to always be rejected in the bedroom.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> The real value of the book is for women that DON’T think it is a problem to deny love and affection to their husbands and think that it won’t effect their husbands negatively to always be rejected in the bedroom.


Yes, you’ve captured the essence. Too often this is the case. I know it was here till we sat down and talked. Even after, topic came up in marriage counseling. Situation has improved quite a bit.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Only highly sexed people want to do this *every* day.
> 
> Geez, I love pizza but I don't want it every single day. That would just tend to get so damned monotonous after a while. I know it did for my brother when his highly-sexed wife wanted sex every single day. At first he thought he'd died and gone to heaven but after about a year, not so much. The thrill wore off and he actually started avoiding going home after work because he didn't want to do anything but sit back and relax with a beer.
> 
> So don't feel that is some kind of "deficiency" on your part just because he's greedy and wants sex every day. I think that's just being greedy and selfish. If he "needs" sex every day then tell him to go jerk off. His constant need to get off is NOT your responsibility. You'll have to compromise but do NOT become his sex slave just because HE wants it.


It is apparent that sex means something different to you and your brother. Problem starts when you get different drive people together, or simply two people that sex means something different to. 

Greedy and selfish my ass. To some people, sex is not just about "getting off". There have been many times, I do not "get off" with my wife, especially if we go 2x back to back. It is about the feeling of emotional closeness. The fact it is getting boring for brother, shows that the sex is more about the rocks off and fun feel good, than it is about the emotional closeness to his wife. 

If he "needs it every day". Ok say he don't feel like talking to his wife every day?. Should he go tell her to talk to herself? Because women tend to have a need for more verbal interaction than men do.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So how do you envision sexual compromise? If she wants sex once a week a a compromise calls for thee times a week she is supposed to have sex tow times a week when she is not on the mood and not aroused? How can a woman have sex hen she is not aroused?


With today's all about me, me, me mindset, not many women can. I do a bunch of crap my wife wants to do because I love her and it will make her happy, I don't just sit in the recliner and say, "You want to do it, take care of it yourself" Do I want to do it? No!
But then again, I am not selfish and want to please my wife because it makes her happy...

Same with giving her foot and calf massages when she has been in heels all day. I do it because I love her and it makes her feel better and pleases her, so I work her over until I have cramps in my hands and knuckles ache. Why would I do that, because I love her.

It is the same with sex. If a woman had the same mindset that it is about wanting to please their husband, and maybe, just maybe, they might actually enjoy it. But all this BS Feminazi crap they feed women about being used and me, me, me, just ensures selfishness on her part and the marriage suffers because of it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is the same with sex. *If a woman had the same mindset that it is about wanting to please their husband, and maybe, just maybe, they might actually enjoy it*. But all this BS Feminazi crap they feed women about being used and me, me, me, just ensures selfishness on her part and the marriage suffers because of it.


I know this is true of my wife. Like you I do many thing for her simply because I know she enjoys it and at the very least I end up enjoying it because I see how happy she is. Likewise my wife knows a love and enjoy having sex with her. Even if she doesn't think she is in the mood she will give me a shot at getting her there. In the end she is happy because I'm happy and she sure did enjoy herself in the process too. This really isn't rocket science.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I know this is true of my wife. Like you I do many thing for her simply because I know she enjoys it and at the very least I end up enjoying it because I see how happy she is. Likewise my wife knows a love and enjoy having sex with her. Even if she doesn't think she is in the mood she will give me a shot at getting her there. In the end she is happy because I'm happy and she sure did enjoy herself in the process too. This really isn't rocket science.


Yet again brother, it seems like we and our beloved wives are from the same wiring diagram. My wife was at one time that way, but now when it comes to our time, she is as ready to go as I am. There are some nights I may be tired and thinking about just going to sleep, but she has other plans.😜

She said she is ready for son to leave for college, so she can jump me when ever and where ever we are. I told her Saturday that ok next time we are alone driving and I feel like getting frisky, I'm just going to pull over on shoulder of highway. Put the sun visor in windshield and tint will do the rest. She smiled and said, "Sounds like you have a plan"


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> With today's all about me, me, me mindset, not many women can. I do a bunch of crap my wife wants to do because I love her and it will make her happy, I don't just sit in the recliner and say, "You want to do it, take care of it yourself" Do I want to do it? No!
> But then again, I am not selfish and want to please my wife because it makes her happy...
> 
> Same with giving her foot and calf massages when she has been in heels all day. I do it because I love her and it makes her feel better and pleases her, so I work her over until I have cramps in my hands and knuckles ache. Why would I do that, because I love her.
> ...


I understand you can do many things for your partner that you may not like. You may give massage that you may not enjoy giving. But I can't understand how you can have sex if you do not enjoy it. Even more I don't understand how you can enjoy sex when you know your partner is not enjoying it. I would never have sex with my wife if I know she doesn't want it or enjoy it. It's disgusting.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I understand you can do many things for your partner that you may not like. You may give massage that you may not enjoy giving. But I can't understand how you can have sex if you do not enjoy it. Even more I don't understand how you can enjoy sex when you know your partner is not enjoying it. I would never have sex with my wife if I know she doesn't want it or enjoy it. It's disgusting.


I have never not enjoyed sex, even when I really was not into it. In past wife may not have wanted to, due to being tired, etc. but she dang sure enjoyed it. If you have a wife that does not enjoy being intimate with her husband, there are bigger issues to deal with.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I understand you can do many things for your partner that you may not like. You may give massage that you may not enjoy giving. But I can't understand how you can have sex if you do not enjoy it. Even more I don't understand how you can enjoy sex when you know your partner is not enjoying it. *I would never have sex with my wife if I know she doesn't want it or enjoy it. It's disgusting.*


How can it be disgusting to give the gift of your body and sexual energy to your partner who you love and enjoy pleasing?? 
And of course you enjoy the sex you give, even when you aren't physically in the mood for sex....maybe you don't have a physical desire for sex, but you have an emotional desire to give them pleasure and to receive pleasure from them in return.

You are making it sound like physical arousal is the only reason someone would want to have sex or the only way they could possibly enjoy it, which is not true at all. I always wanted to have sex with my partner, whether I was physically aroused or not. I never said No because I always enjoyed it...and I never felt like it was disgusting.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> How can it be disgusting to give the gift of your body and sexual energy to your partner who you love and enjoy pleasing??
> And of course you enjoy the sex you give, even when you aren't physically in the mood for sex....maybe you don't have a physical desire for sex, but you have an emotional desire to give them pleasure and to receive pleasure from them in return.
> 
> You are making it sound like physical arousal is the only reason someone would want to have sex or the only way they could possibly enjoy it, which is not true at all. I always wanted to have sex with my partner, whether I was physically aroused or not. I never said No because I always enjoyed it...and I never felt like it was disgusting.


I didn't read the post as disgusting to give a gift. "*I would never have sex with my wife if I know she doesn't want it or enjoy it. It's disgusting." *I read as him never having sex with his wife if he knows she doesn't want it, and would be disgusted to behave otherwise.

If I knew my wife didn't want to be intimate with me, or if I could tell she didn't enjoy intimacy with me, that would be such a turnoff that I wouldn't be *capable* of being intimate with her. In fact it would badly damage the relationship because her rejection would be in my head every time we were together. Wondering "is she just faking it?". Long term it would likely end the marriage.

That is why I puzzle how people can manage to remain in a marriage where they are rejected over and over again.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I didn't read the post as disgusting to give a gift. "*I would never have sex with my wife if I know she doesn't want it or enjoy it. It's disgusting." *I read as him never having sex with his wife if he knows she doesn't want it, and would be disgusted to behave otherwise.
> 
> If I knew my wife didn't want to be intimate with me, or if I could tell she didn't enjoy intimacy with me, that would be such a turnoff that I wouldn't be *capable* of being intimate with her. In fact it would badly damage the relationship because her rejection would be in my head every time we were together. Wondering "is she just faking it?". Long term it would likely end the marriage.
> 
> That is why I puzzle how people can manage to remain in a marriage where they are rejected over and over again.


Maybe you are right, but he was pretty adamant earlier in the thread that they should divorce instead of try to compromise on sexual frequency, and that ANY sex without spontaneous desire driving it was damaging and BAD. And from my own personal experience that is simply not true.

I agree with what you say above, and that isn't what I'm talking about at all. I am talking about getting excited to share sex with my partner based on my emotional connection to him, NOT just spontaneous physical feelings. Because the emotional desire to have sex creates the physical desire for sexual connection too...along with the memories of how much fun sex is and how good it makes my body feel.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I understand you can do many things for your partner that you may not like. You may give massage that you may not enjoy giving. But I can't understand how you can have sex if you do not enjoy it. Even more I don't understand how you can enjoy sex when you know your partner is not enjoying it. I would never have sex with my wife if I know she doesn't want it or enjoy it. It's disgusting.


You missed the point. No where was not enjoying it mentioned. The point is it is enjoyed. Even though I didn't have a burning desire to give my wife a massage I will do it for her AND I will end up enjoying it because it pleased her. Not to mention I like the feel of her skin and having physical contact with her. It is a win-win. Sex is the same way, but there is the added benefit of the sexual pleasure and potentially an orgasm. My wife often won't be thinking "I want sex right now", but she gives me a chance to turn her on if I want it. She was really only doing it for me, but once things progress she ends up really enjoying it. I mean, what's not to enjoy about being intimate with your spouse? If you have any attitude other than that, you have martial issues that need to be dealt with.





Divinely Favored said:


> I have never not enjoyed sex, even when I really was not into it. In past wife may not have wanted to, due to being tired, etc. but she dang sure enjoyed it. If you have a wife that does not enjoy being intimate with her husband, there are bigger issues to deal with.


My wife and I discussed this topic just the other night. We were talking about various things around sex. We specifically talked about how I have higher sex drive than her and that she just doesn't think about sex as much as me or as much as she did years ago, decades actually. Yet, she still absolutely loves sex. Even times when she thought she really had no interest she will eventually get into it and loves that we did it. She absolutely goes into it thinking she is doing it for me and ends up loving it, as she should. Because I too wouldn't want to have sex with someone that didn't want it or didn't enjoy it, but she is my wife and should enjoy it. If not there is a serious problem in our marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Maybe you are right, but he was pretty adamant earlier in the thread that they should divorce instead of try to compromise on sexual frequency, and *that ANY sex without spontaneous desire driving it was damaging and BAD*. And from my own personal experience that is simply not true.
> 
> I agree with what you say above, and that isn't what I'm talking about at all. I am talking about getting excited to share sex with my partner based on my emotional connection to him, NOT just spontaneous physical feelings. Because the emotional desire to have sex creates the physical desire for sexual connection too...along with the memories of how much fun sex is and how good it makes my body feel.


That isn't my experience at all either, quite the opposite.

What baffles me a little is I think @romantic_dreamer has said over and over that his wife never initiates sex, so she is 100% responsive desire. Yet he is saying that is bad?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

“Everybody wants some. I want some, too” - Van Halen


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> ANY sex without spontaneous desire driving it was damaging and BAD.


Well, I would say that statement can't be true, nearly all of our intimacy for more than five decades has been initiated by me. It just isn't her personality, a product of her conservative upbringing. When we were young a girl wouldn't even call a boy on the telephone. It would be scandalous. My wife enthusiastically responds to me romancing her.. And it has ALL been WONDERFUL. Times have changed I guess.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

"I want you to want me" now that's a thing. My wife rarely refused me but I strongly resented that I always had to do the initial "work".

The idea that she had sex with me to keep me happy was a hit to my self esteem.

Thank god her drive has returned and she I now a real woman again.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Kput said:


> "I want you to want me" now that's a thing. My wife rarely refused me but I strongly resented that I always had to do the initial "work".
> 
> The idea that she had sex with me to keep me happy was a hit to my self esteem.
> 
> Thank god her drive has returned and she I now a real woman again.


Now that great Cheap Trick song is in my head. ... Speaking as a guy whose whose wife has started just three times in the past 22 years - in April 2000, March 2015 and October 2022 - I do feel your pain. I love the "let me think about it" reply when I suggest. It sometimes takes four or five hours to reach a decision. Didn't know it was that big of a deal. LOL


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Now that great Cheap Trick song is in my head. ... Speaking as a guy whose whose wife has started just three times in the past 22 years - in April 2000, March 2015 and October 2022 - I do feel your pain. I love the "let me think about it" reply when I suggest. It sometimes takes four or five hours to reach a decision. Didn't know it was that big of a deal. LOL


I shouldn't be a big deal, maybe hd people see it both as a "sport" and an act of love, whilst some ld people see it as being used, dammed is I know as thank your deity I have never been ld.

My wife always knew how to make love but for a very long time forgot how to fck


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That isn't my experience at all either, quite the opposite.
> 
> What baffles me a little is I think @romantic_dreamer has said over and over that his wife never initiates sex, so she is 100% responsive desire. Yet he is saying that is bad?


Yes, my wife never initiates sex. But she wants sex 99% time and she shows it in various ways. There is a huge difference between not initiating and not wanting sex. However when she does not want sex it means she does not want it at this particular time and if I tried to initiate she would would respond not with "responsive desire" but with annoyance.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You missed the point. No where was not enjoying it mentioned. The point is it is enjoyed. Even though I didn't have a burning desire to give my wife a massage I will do it for her AND I will end up enjoying it because it pleased her. Not to mention I like the feel of her skin and having physical contact with her. It is a win-win. Sex is the same way, but there is the added benefit of the sexual pleasure and potentially an orgasm. My wife often won't be thinking "I want sex right now", but she gives me a chance to turn her on if I want it. She was really only doing it for me, but once things progress she ends up really enjoying it. I mean, what's not to enjoy about being intimate with your spouse? If you have any attitude other than that, you have martial issues that need to be dealt with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't agree or understand this. I consider myself a very sexual person. I love sex most of the time. However, there are moments when I do not want sex. And when I do not want sex I do not want to be approached or poked for sex, it will only anger me or annoy me. The same applies to my wife. We know each other so well that we catch even the slightest hints when either of us does not want sex and not to poke one another for sex at this moment. An this is different than any other chores or even massage. If my wife wanted a massage I can give it to her even if I do not want giving her massage at this particular moment. But I cannot have sex with her if I do not want sex even if she is super aroused.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I don't agree or understand this. I consider myself a very sexual person. I love sex most of the time. However, there are moments when I do not want sex. And when I do not want sex I do not want to be approached or poked for sex, it will only anger me or annoy me. The same applies to my wife. We know each other so well that we catch even the slightest hints when either of us does not want sex and not to poke one another for sex at this moment. An this is different than any other chores or even massage. If my wife wanted a massage I can give it to her even if I do not want giving her massage at this particular moment. But I cannot have sex with her if I do not want sex even if she is super aroused.


I actually think we are saying the same basic thing. There will always be times when one spouse or the other really has no interest in sex. Could be they are sick or totally exhausted. Maybe had a really crappy day (for me sex makes me feel better, but not the same for everyone). I can't speak for others, but I'm not saying a spouse should be open to sex 100% of the time and ignore how they feel. What I am saying is aside from those rare instances a spouse should always be willing to give their partner a chance to turn them on, to activate their responsive desire. And, they will end up enjoying it. If they really have an attitude like "this sucks, please get it over with", that is disgusting. Why would either partner want that? If that is EVER the response to sex with your spouse your marriage has serious issues that need to be dealt with. 

I can read my wife too. I know when initiating is pointless. I want press her for sex, but I may still do a little something to let her know I'm game if she is. Then I leave it in her court. Sometimes she does end up responding. And some of those times are because she knows I really want and need her. So she came in with zero desire, but ended up wanting it for me and then enjoys the whole experience. As for me, I can't imagine ever saying no to her. Even when I'm sick I won't say no. She knows I won't have the energy, so she will take care of me, if you know what I mean.


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