# Joint checking for my pay, her own checking for her pay



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I apologize if this post is a topic already here on TAM. I did a search before posting and did not find a post that addressed my situation.

Here is my situation:
1. My wife has been working full time for just a little over a year. When she started her job, she opened a checking account separate from our joint checking account and has been depositing it in that account.
2. My wife did not consult with me before opening her own checking account.
3. My pay has always been deposited in our joint account since we were married 23 years ago. I have never had an account that is mine only.
4. All of our bills are paid from the joint checking account except for one. My wife bought a car last March and is paying the car payment from her account. In the past year, she has paid off a $300 pediatrician's bill. She does not buy groceries on a regular basis, but uses the joint account when she does.
5. My wife does not keep track of her money. When she runs out of money, she spends from the joint account.
6. I get paid twice a month. The last paycheck of the month pays mortgage, utilities, car insurance. The paycheck in the middle of the month pays my car payment, credit cards, miscellaneous bills, cell phones for my wife and two kids, etc.... I rarely have extra money.
7. She will occasionally transfer small amounts of money to the joint account.

I just got paid last Thursday. After bills were paid, I had about $300 left. That has to last me until the 15th.. and I have to pay our daughter's college tuition with that paycheck also. I told my wife that the joint account could not be touched. As of tonight, there is $25 left in the joint account. 

I need to do something, whether it is to close the joint account and open my own account or whether it is to insist that she start sharing her paycheck by depositing it in our joint account. That makes more sense to me as we should be able to better manage our money if it is shared.

I know some couples do well without a joint account. Some do well with all their money going to a joint account. The couples I know that do not have a joint account usually also share paying the bills.

Thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of your joint income is your wife earning?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I don't know what she makes because I never see her paycheck, but my guess is that she makes about two thirds of what I make.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Taking money without joint consent is stealing. Or she has a huge sense of entitlement. 

First you need to sit down and have (another) conversation with her about $. Tell her how you feel about her taking $ from the joint account for her personal spending when she knew you didn't like that.

Listen to her expectations, and then tell her yours. Hopefully you both can come to an agreement.

If she doesn't follow through with your mutual agreement in January, it is time to take decisive action.

In February, open an account in only your name for your paycheck. Deposit what you believe is a fair amount (1/2 the bills?) into the joint account, and expect her to do the same. Bills will be paid from the joint account, and she cannot take spending money from that account or there won't be enough for bills.

Does she make much money in her job, or is it just for extra spending money.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> I don't know what she makes because I never see her paycheck, but my guess is that she makes about two thirds of what I make.


Have you ever needed the money she makes to run the house?


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> I don't know what she makes because I never see her paycheck, but my guess is that she makes about two thirds of what I make.


You keep saying you are no afraid of your wife but you do not even know how much she makes? Why don't you ask her?

Do you file your taxes jointly? You should be able to see it soon.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Here is my recommendation. You open up a separate account and you have you automatic deposit into that account. Once that is complete you then to sit down with her and tell that you both need to come to the table and put money in the joint account, if she refuses tell her that delinquent bills will her both your credit score. If she still refuses then start selling items you purchased with your money starting with her car....it may be harsh but she will get the point.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Didn't you start a thread on 12/28 in the General Discussion Forum under "Struggling with Temptation?"


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I do like the idea about opening an account for myself and depositing a fair amount from each of our paychecks for the bills. Sounds amicable.

Money has always been tight. Budgeting has always been an issue and my wife resists it like the plague. I have always found a way for us to survive on my pay, but it has been a real challenge. At one point, I had to use our one credit card to catch up on three months of delinquent mortgage payments. That was five years ago and the balance on that card is astronomical. For three years after that, her father gave us $2000 every three months to help pay the mortgage and bills.

So, I guess that the answer is that we do need her to work to pay the bills!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that you should open an account in your name only and have your check deposited there.

Then sit down with her and each of you put the amount from your pay that is required to pay your bills ... in a ratio according to each of your's percentage of gross income.

You need to find out what she is earning. It's ridiculous that she has not told you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You need to know how much she is making. I can't even fathom not knowing how much your own spouse makes. How could this have gone on for over a year? At this point it's on you too, maybe some conflict avoiding?

Ask to see her online banking, like tonight, you need to know what comes in and out for at least the last 6 months.
After that,
Figure out what your bills are each month, take whatever % of the household income she makes and that's the % of the bills she has to pay for. (so if she makes 25% of the income, she pays 25% of the bills) that money goes into the joint account, you put in the other 75% and the rest you keep in your own account and she keeps hers in hers. 

If she refuses then cut down whatever you can in bills (tv, memberships, etc) and put your money in your own account and pay the bills through it.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> When I file taxes in a few weeks, I will know the answer to that question.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You need to know how much she is making. I can't even fathom not knowing how much your own spouse makes. How could this have gone on for over a year? At this point it's on you too, maybe some conflict avoiding?
> 
> Ask to see her online banking, like tonight, you need to know what comes in and out for at least the last 6 months.
> After that,
> ...


Good suggestions and much appreciated. Thanks!

And yes, definitely some conflict avoiding. Discussing anything with my wife is frustrating. Had a fight with her today because she got upset with me for telling her that we had new health insurance cards (seriously, it's true).


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

i have a different opinion than most 

My wife and I have separate accounts now. 

We did not used to but she discussed separating at one point about 15 months ago and I took the steps needed to protect myself including separating finances, cell phone accounts etc. 

I pay the bills I would have to pay if i was single and she does the same. 

We share the rest equally and pay for those we individually agree to. 

I don't care what she makes and she does not ask what I make. 

I am not willing to put money in a joint account now that I am well aware that separation is a solution she would ever consider.

As for conflict avoidance, I don't avoid conflict. I address it head on. I state my position and its done when its not a negotiable. 

When it is negotiable, I ask her preferences. 

I lead. It works for us.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I can't imagine how you could accept not knowing what she makes. :surprise:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> I apologize if this post is a topic already here on TAM. I did a search before posting and did not find a post that addressed my situation.
> 
> Here is my situation:
> 1. My wife has been working full time for just a little over a year. When she started her job, she opened a checking account separate from our joint checking account and has been depositing it in that account.
> ...


Your accounts being linked or you both having access to both accounts makes sense. I'm assuming she didn't add you because banks are obnoxious and expect you there and expect yours and her signature to make the account shared. For example, my wife and I have split responsibilities and groceries is one of hers but I'm the one to gets groceries. So the easy solution is that I transfer grocery money via online bill pay from one account to the other because they are linked.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

My paycheck goes into an account in my name, because if my wife has the physical ability to spend my entire paycheck, she will. Then we'll wind up with credit card debt, perhaps in foreclosure.

I pay the mortgage and utilities, and buy most of the food. With gentle reminders, I can usually get her to chip in a bit.


Edit: OP, you might want to make sure your wife hasn't been reading @ladymisato.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ExiledBayStater said:


> My paycheck goes into an account in my name, because if my wife has the physical ability to spend my entire paycheck, she will. Then we'll wind up with credit card debt, perhaps in foreclosure.
> 
> I pay the mortgage and utilities, and buy most of the food. With gentle reminders, I can usually get her to chip in a bit.
> 
> ...


*

Interesting read.....

I propose a new title to her book "Emasculated House Husbands and the women that despise them"*


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In this scenario, you set up your own account, and deposit your pay there. You ask your wife to show you her paycheck, and you agree on how much you each divert from your pay into the joint account to pay all joint bills. Neither of you touch the joint account other than to pay bills. If she violates that, don't deposit any of your pay into the joint account, but pay your bills and let her pay her own - assign her other bills to pay that balance things out, and if she does not pay them, let her suffer the consequences (if necessary, put those bills in her name and not yours - I suggest utilities, which usually won't kill you if the power or water or cable are turned off).

You'll have to file taxes within a few months. If you file jointly, at least then you'll have to see her W2. You need to hope she's having enough withheld for taxes, or you may have a big surprise when taxes are due! I have to wonder about a marriage that isn't a partnership, and where one person is financially manipulative and dishonest.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well I wouldn't have brought the Lady of Mistletoe back into discussion. But like many I am suspicious that OP's wife is incapable of controlling her spending. If that is indeed the case then having her deposit her check into the joint account would be a mistake. It would give her more justification for dipping into the house funds. 

Ask her to pay, as a monthly bill some amount that gets all the bills paid, puts 100 per month into savings, and leaves you with pocket money. Then take away her access to the joint account. Then she can spend her way until it is gone. If she has to go a week on peanut butter and no starbucks, it won't hurt her and will help her plan for the future. I recommend this because it is what worked for me. My wife is the careful spender. I now don't impulse spend except out of my pocket money. If I want to buy her flowers, it means I have to give up something.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Under the scenario you described I would NOT do a joint account. Last thing you want is pooling the money for bills and she takes some out for non-bill purchasing.

Have her give you a portion of the expenses and put it in an account in your name. Pay the bills out of that account.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Wife and I each have our own bank accounts/credit cards/etc...

We have a joint checking account that is for household expenses. I make approx 5 times what she does....yet she insists on contributing to the household expenses. Sometimes dropping an entire paycheck in that account. I personally don't care either way.I don't care if she works or not..but what impresses me the most...she gets very upset if she cannot contribute what she believes to be her share. She sees us as a team and works hard to keep our family happy/content/safe/loved. She's a keeper. 

The moral of this story,....Figure out why your wife has some sort of anti-team thing going on with you financially....and I would bet it's not just financially. Could she believe that her paycheck is the only part of her life that she has an element of control over? Who decides things in your family? Who has the final say? Right down to who controls the remote? 

It sure seems like what you have going on is a symptom of a problem...not the actual problem. 

IMO


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

After seeing @VeryHurt comments I looked at your other threads. For those who have not wantolove has been in a dysfunction marriage for a decade. He and his wife have been neither intimate or affectionate in a decade. He has told her he wants a divorce over a year and a half ago. His last thread was on a quasi EA with a women from hs church. 

Want: Of course she opened a separate account and only pays for her car. This is exactly what most people on TAM would advise a person to do if their spouse told them they wanted a divorce. 

Let me first say YOU ARE RIGHT to feel as you do. Now for the 2x4

At this point how could your wife and children have any respect for a man who whines 24/7? Don't say you don't, you have allowed this to continue for a decade. By now your friends are sick of it. A long time ago they figured your just venting. How bad can it be after all your still there after a decade. 

You don't need grounds for a divorce at the end of the day. I want a divorce here is 50% of everything, good bye is all the state requires. Divorce, mov on and after the divorce see if sophia might still be interested.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

JohnA said:


> After seeing @VeryHurt comments I looked at your other threads. For those who have not wantolove has been in a dysfunction marriage for a decade. He and his wife have been neither intimate or affectionate in a decade. He has told her he wants a divorce over a year and a half ago. His last thread was on a quasi EA with a women from hs church.
> 
> Want: Of course she opened a separate account and only pays for her car. This is exactly what most people on TAM would advise a person to do if their spouse told them they wanted a divorce.
> 
> ...


Wow. 

That filled in the blanks. Sounds like Op's wife is being prudent.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @MarriedDude 

Just clarify Wanttolove should have divorced a decade ago. For what ever reason his wife is cold ad closed up to him. 

My last post was more of a rant along the lines: FOR CHRST SAKE GET OF THE POT, THERE ARE OTHERS THAT NEED TO USE IT,


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

We had the same situation, my checks went to the joint account and she kept all her money in her own account. She would never spend money for family needs nor share money from her account she just kept using money from the joint account (which was basically my account). This never worked out and got worse and worse until it got to the point I was bouncing checks when I paid the bills. Out of necessity I closed the joint account and open my own account which she had no access to. It pissed her off but we were at least able to pay bills on time. 

With us, a joint account would never work. You would have to have a honest, dependable wife for that and that is something I unfortunately do not have.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well I wouldn't have brought the Lady of Mistletoe back into discussion. But like many I am suspicious that OP's wife is incapable of controlling her spending. If that is indeed the case then having her deposit her check into the joint account would be a mistake. It would give her more justification for dipping into the house funds.
> 
> ...Then take away her access to the joint account. Then she can spend her way until it is gone. If she has to go a week on peanut butter and no starbucks, it won't hurt her and will help her plan for the future. I recommend this because it is what worked for me. My wife is the careful spender. I now don't impulse spend except out of my pocket money. If I want to buy her flowers, it means I have to give up something.


You know, you bring up a point that I have not thought about. Having her deposit her pay into the joint account WOULD give her more justification to dip into the house funds (my pay). 

A good part of what is bothering me is that I have to be the responsible one and have very little left out of every single pay check, if anything, all because my pay goes towards bills. I have told her that I need her to take responsibility for paying a bill or two, such as the freakishly large cell phone bill for her and the kids (my phone is not on the plan). Even an extra $100-200 a month would help me. I'm angry about it sometimes, frustrated most of the time, fed up every few months when the emotional bank account hits rock bottom.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

JohnA said:


> After seeing @VeryHurt comments I looked at your other threads. For those who have not wantolove has been in a dysfunction marriage for a decade. He and his wife have been neither intimate or affectionate in a decade. He has told her he wants a divorce over a year and a half ago. His last thread was on a quasi EA with a women from hs church.
> 
> Want: Of course she opened a separate account and only pays for her car. This is exactly what most people on TAM would advise a person to do if their spouse told them they wanted a divorce.
> 
> ...


FYI, she opened her own account a year before divorce was brought up in any conversation. I asked for a divorce last June, not a year and a half ago.

Whines 24/7? I whine here and have assumed this place is intended as a place to vent. I do not whine to family and friends. Sure I am venting, but just because a divorce is not happening does not mean I am not doing something to remedy the situation. Could I do more? Maybe. Some people call it patience. It's a different situation when both people and their families are Christian. It really is.

If my wife does not want a divorce as she says she does, then she will cooperate with me and thus make it easier for me to cooperate with her. We are at the stage where SHE needs to prove that she wants to cooperate with me, not resist me. That should include finances. She uses her own account to indulge our spoiled 16 year old son, uses her money in ways I do not approve, thinking that since it's her own money she does not have to talk to me about how she spends it.

I am glad you think that I have reason to be upset.

VeryHurt was wrong to bring up my other recent post. It's irrelevant to the topic posted in this thread.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

So you and your wife are engaging in financial infidelity. In fact, she won't even tell you what she makes.

And you're engaging in emotional/physical infidelity at your church, no less.

And you haven't had sex with your spouse in 10 years.


Well, its one of the more interesting definitions of a marriage that I've heard.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Yes in deed the whole relationship is relevant. You are wrong to try to solve this one piece at a time. But, having said that, regardless of what happens in the relationship she needs to get a handle on budgeting. If you stay together and heal all the rifts, she will need to have respect for you , and you will need to trust her. Money is part of that. If you part and co-parent, she needs to be able to sanely run her own household without running to you or a judge for more money every 3 months. In fact unless her Dad is willing to fund her long term and steadily, she has to know how to budget. Her lack of interest in the subject can only be cured by deprivation. She will have to lose something.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have got to get your act together. First, tell her if all of your money is going into the pot then all of her money is going into the pot. Second, you sit down with her and make up a budget which includes you having some spending money. Her keeping her pay and spending yours is nuts. She's probably got a stash of cash just in case you do divorce her. No spoiling kids unless you are both in on it.

If she doesn't go along with the one pot, then deposit your check and immediately pull some money out. She can't spend it if it ain't there.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The fairest and most equitable way would be to roll everything over into a joint checking account!

Barring that, then it's every man for himself by setting up dual individual accounts with each party taking care of prearranged bills and responsibilities!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Yes in deed the whole relationship is relevant. You are wrong to try to solve this one piece at a time. But, having said that, regardless of what happens in the relationship she needs to get a handle on budgeting. If you stay together and heal all the rifts, she will need to have respect for you , and you will need to trust her. Money is part of that. If you part and co-parent, she needs to be able to sanely run her own household without running to you or a judge for more money every 3 months. In fact unless her Dad is willing to fund her long term and steadily, she has to know how to budget. Her lack of interest in the subject can only be cured by deprivation. She will have to lose something.


Deprivation is a word that has been on my mind. I know that I need to make some hard decisions that she will have to agree with. Just this past week, she wanted me to agree to turn a trip to Alaska into a two week family vacation. That is all well and good if we have the money. A few months ago, when the trip was proposed, we agreed that if she would have the money for airfare by January (now), then I would agree to the trip. She doesn't have a penny saved for the airfare. So I said no to the trip. She can go with our daughter, who is a bridesmaid, but I am staying home. We simply do not have money for the trip expenses, much less the plane tickets. I backed it up by going over the budget for my pay check with her again, showing her how my pay barely covers the bills. Best case scenario is that I would save $400 for the trip.

Her response was to go to her sisters, who said that they would pay for my plane ticket.  I said no to my wife, who then insisted that I email her sister to explain why. I called her sister, thanked her for the offer, and told her that my wife and I need to learn how to work together to live on what we make, that this was an opportunity to make the hard decision that may send the message that I am serious about working together to live on a budget.

I put together a day to day menu for our meals this week, talked about it with my wife, and did the grocery shopping on Sunday night. Last night's dinner was a hit (sausage lasagna), only one small helping left. But after dinner, she sent our son out with a $20 bill to get ice cream, didn't ask me about it. When I asked her why she did that, her reply was that it was her money and for that reason it shouldn't matter. Tonight, they both decided that they didn't like what was on the menu (turkey chili with cornbread), cooked the frozen pizza that was for Thursday and ate it all before I got home from work. Seems like a small thing, but it was incredibly selfish and an insult to me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

And what will happen Thursday?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

see a lawyer and know your rights.

something tells me you will need a lawyer at some point.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> And what will happen Thursday?


Leftover chili from tonight. She will likely make the boy some soup, like she did tonight, because she is sure he will not like the chili. Funny thing is that she insisted that he wouldn't like the lasagna that I made on Monday. He loved it.


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

I think a joint checking account is much easier -- bills are paid jointly, all money is both of yours, and each of you sees how the other is spending. That's how I see marriage. I understand some people have their reasons for preferring separate, but it sounds like it is REALLY not working for you under your current arrangement, especially if you're running up huge credit card balances.

She's obviously not responsible with money. Maybe she never will be. You at least take some responsibility for money, so you should probably be managing all of the money.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I don't know the back story, and really don't have enough time to go there. But this situation isn't working, period. You make the menu, do the shopping, and then do the cooking? And she decides the boy won't like it so they eat the entire family dinner for a different night, before you get home?

I try to never actually get involved in a thread since I learned the hard way that it is unwise. But that is so not a family. She and your son are a unit, using you and shutting you out. I don't know why you told her you wanted a divorce, but maybe you need to follow up on it. Again, this is ONLY from reading this particular thread.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Pam said:


> ...this situation isn't working, period. You make the menu, do the shopping, and then do the cooking? And she decides the boy won't like it so they eat the entire family dinner for a different night, before you get home?
> 
> ...that is so not a family. She and your son are a unit, using you and shutting you out. I don't know why you told her you wanted a divorce, but maybe you need to follow up on it. Again, this is ONLY from reading this particular thread.


Thank you. In one post, you cut to the heart of one of the main issues in our marriage -- cooperation and resistance. My wife has chosen repeatedly to cast me against her and our son. She resists any practical suggestion I make, including budgeting our meals, and has done so for many years. I am taking the step and doing this on my own as a way to get it done. They are both resisting heavily, obviously. This step may be one of the last tests before I finally file. We shall see.

A few years ago, probably 2-3 years, she told me that she can not respect a man she thinks is wrong. The refusal to follow a meal plan and budget our groceries is one way she demonstrates that.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Pam said:


> I don't know the back story, and really don't have enough time to go there. But this situation isn't working, period. You make the menu, do the shopping, and then do the cooking? And she decides the boy won't like it so they eat the entire family dinner for a different night, before you get home?


I agree.

Why are you in charge of the meals? Also why does your son get to choose what he wants to eat? 

I get that some people are more flexible with children and that's not necessarily bad, but to start, could you not tell him that he eats what's on the table or he doesn't eat? It's not like you're making some strange food with bizarre ingredients.

You said your W said she doesn't respect you because she feels you are wrong to plan meals and budget? Did I get that right? If so, that's manipulative.

Keep everyone's comments in mind and try to decide how you're going to deal with her behavior. Draw the line now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

wanttolove said:


> If my wife does not want a divorce as she says she does, then she will cooperate with me and thus make it easier for me to cooperate with her. We are at the stage where SHE needs to prove that she wants to cooperate with me, not resist me. That should include finances. She uses her own account to indulge our spoiled 16 year old son, uses her money in ways I do not approve, thinking that since it's her own money she does not have to talk to me about how she spends it.
> 
> VeryHurt was wrong to bring up my other recent post. It's irrelevant to the topic posted in this thread.


Actually VH was quite right in bringing up your recent posts. Your current family dynamics are quite relevant. You are actively engaging in an EA in front of your entire congregation, including your wife. There's a pretty good chance she knows, maybe she's saving up money to divorce you? 

SHE does not need to prove anything to you. You are both complacent in this dysfunctional marriage. You keep threatening divorce, so do it! Get it over with. Do you really think she's going to change over idol threats? It sounds to me like you are trying to manipulate your wife into becoming more involved in your marriage. I don't think it will help things. Just file for divorce, move out, then she will have to pay all her own bills and you can go date your gf without compromising your ethics.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Omego said:


> I agree.
> 
> Why are you in charge of the meals? Also why does your son get to choose what he wants to eat?


I am choosing to be in charge of the meals as a means of controlling spending on food. If I had it my way and if my wife listened to me, our son would have one choice for meals -- what we are eating. But she undermines me, fixes him something else or takes him out for fast food when he turns up his nose at the meal. I have even heard her console him as she walked through our garage to the car to buy him fast food, telling him that she was on his side. She is flexible in a mostly harmful way.



Omego said:


> You said your W said she doesn't respect you because she feels you are wrong to plan meals and budget? Did I get that right? If so, that's manipulative.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, but that's OK. She feels I am wrong about raising our children in general. It's true that her resistance to cooperate with me about meals and budget is a symptom of that disrespect.


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

We used to have joint accounts but when my wife opened up her own separate account, it turned out to be one of the opening gambits to our eventual D. Her attitude was, "what you earn is the family's and what I earn is mine." Her account ended up financing her new life without me. Hope your situation is different.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

always_hopefull said:


> ...You are actively engaging in an EA in front of your entire congregation, including your wife.


No. I'm not. The issue in this thread is about cooperation and resistance that has existed for a long, long time. It's practically destroyed our finances. It's an issue that needs to be fixed. 



always_hopefull said:


> SHE does not need to prove anything to you. You are both complacent in this dysfunctional marriage. You keep threatening divorce, so do it! .. Do you really think she's going to change over idol threats? It sounds to me like you are trying to manipulate your wife into becoming more involved in your marriage....


I think you are trying to be helpful, but I must disagree. SHE DOES need to prove that she is willing to cooperate with me, trust me. The reason why a divorce did not happen last year is that she insisted that our marriage is worth saving. The conversation we had was not a threat. I told her that I wanted a divorce. What I am doing is actively trying to change a financial mess that needs to be fixed.. and I need her to prove to me that she wants that to happen. I am taking the lead, making the tough decisions. How is that manipulation?


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

ExiledBayStater said:


> I pay the mortgage and utilities, and buy most of the food. *With gentle reminders, I can usually get her to chip in a bit*.


Oh dear! I think I just sprained a muscle LMFAO-ing at that one.
:lol: :rofl: :yay: :wtf: :allhail:


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

wanttolove said:


> No. I'm not. The issue in this thread is about cooperation and resistance that has existed for a long, long time. It's practically destroyed our finances. It's an issue that needs to be fixed.
> 
> 
> 
> I think you are trying to be helpful, but I must disagree. SHE DOES need to prove that she is willing to cooperate with me, trust me. The reason why a divorce did not happen last year is that she insisted that our marriage is worth saving. The conversation we had was not a threat. I told her that I wanted a divorce. What I am doing is actively trying to change a financial mess that needs to be fixed.. and I need her to prove to me that she wants that to happen. I am taking the lead, making the tough decisions. How is that manipulation?


So you don't think your EA with Sophia could be causing your wife to be even more resentful and stubborn? You also mentioned you cannot afford marriage counseling, do you know how much a divorce costs? Does your parish not offer counseling services, would your minister be willing to help? Why does she have to co-operate with you? Why can't you two work on it together and compromise? In your other post for mentioned you guys do not attend church as a couple, why can't you "both " compromise, one week go your preferred service, the next your wife's? 

Your coming across as two people who live in the same house, not husband and wife. If you really want to save this marriage, you both have to make can effort and concessions.

It appears to me as manipulation because you seem to be treating her as a subordinate, not an equal. You make all these plans and demands, expecting her to be supportive, but have no voice. I also get the feeling that you aren't/weren't serious about the divorce because things seem to be getting worse between the two of you. Not to mention you have a budding EA outside your marriage, so your needs are now getting met elsewhere. 

If your truly in a sexless, loveless, marriage with no respect and neither of you are willing to make it work, then just divorce. You cannot be a parent to a spouse, a marriage has to be a partnership, IMHO. By the way, what exactly did she say to make you believe your marriage was worth saving?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> I am choosing to be in charge of the meals as a means of controlling spending on food. If I had it my way and if my wife listened to me, our son would have one choice for meals -- what we are eating. But she undermines me, fixes him something else or takes him out for fast food when he turns up his nose at the meal. I have even heard her console him as she walked through our garage to the car to buy him fast food, telling him that she was on his side. She is flexible in a mostly harmful way.
> 
> 
> 
> No, but that's OK. She feels I am wrong about raising our children in general. It's true that her resistance to cooperate with me about meals and budget is a symptom of that disrespect.


I guess you will need to exert more control over the situation by financial means. I find her relationship with your son to be disturbing. I can't fathom why she would want to undermine paternal authority over a boy, especially. That is just asking for trouble. Boys need a strong father figure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

always_hopefull said:


> ...It appears to me as manipulation because you seem to be treating her as a subordinate, not an equal. You make all these plans and demands, expecting her to be supportive, but have no voice. ....You cannot be a parent to a spouse, a marriage has to be a partnership, IMHO.


Let's turn that around -- what if the problem is that I have been treating her as an equal for too long, including let her do her own thing, only to damage our finances? Someone needs to take the lead, including making hard decisions, and if she is not going to do it, then it needs to be me. I am not leaving her out. I am not being a dictator. I am not saying that it has to be my way or else. I am not demanding that she support me or show her support... but I need to see it.

Today is the day that I make out the meal plan for the week, as well as make a grocery list. Today she was ready for me, had two recipes that she wanted as meals this week. We talked about items that needed to be on the grocery list, decided on which would be bought today. She knows exactly how much money that is available from the paycheck I received last Friday, after bills are paid, until I get paid again in the middle of the month (not much). After two weeks, my actions are starting to work. She is beginning to cooperate, work with me, and she is starting to see the bigger picture.

Does that sound like manipulation? Seems to me like maybe I am doing what needs to be done, taking the lead, actually doing something right.

We do have a long, long way to go. Honestly, I don't really want to be married to her because she really does require a lot of patience, as well as our physical relationship being so damaged that it seems hopeless. But I made a vow, we have a child in college who needs us financially as well -- and I know full well what a divorce will do to my finances, and I also know that I will lose her family in a divorce. 

And with all due respect, please lay off the EA remarks. It does not exist and is not even remotely a factor. I do have a strong need for affection and tenderness, but I know full well that I am not going to find that with anyone while I am still married.. and I am not going to try.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> close the joint account and open my own account


Problem solved. She's a pariah. Kick her off the gravy train.


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## LWSWKU1990 (Feb 5, 2016)

You need to have joint accounts. It serves as accountability for both of you. You guys are married that means you share everythng. Don't compare what each other makes because that is always a lose, lose situation. For what it is worth, check out www.financeandforever.com. Pretty good info about how to handle issues like this in your marriage.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> I apologize if this post is a topic already here on TAM. I did a search before posting and did not find a post that addressed my situation.
> 
> Here is my situation:
> 1. My wife has been working full time for just a little over a year. When she started her job, she opened a checking account separate from our joint checking account and has been depositing it in that account.
> ...




My wife and I have our original checking accounts. When we got married, we made them joint spousal. No other bank accounts opened or needed.

Everything we do is online of course and we both can see all the finances whenever we wish. No secrets and nothing hidden.

I know older couples who only have one main bank account. They couldn't conceive having their own bank accounts.

I would say modern couples have their own bank accounts, joint spousal and pay their fair share of the monthly bills. This still gives you the independence and responsibility of being single while you are married. Results for us, no fighting about bills and money.

Whoever is better at paying the bills early and doing the finances does this while the other person is kept in the loop and assists. You are the one to be running all the finances and leading your wife. If you don't, disaster follows.

Same thing goes for credit cards. Each have your own but again, joint spousal and you both know what's on them at all times.


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