# Feeling Betrayed



## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

My wife informed me two days ago that she wanted a divorce; which completely caught me off guard. It has completely devastated me, for everything in my life the last five years has been for her...from gifts, paying for her grad school, to getting counseling at her request to learn to communicate. My every move was to give her a better life and the life she deserves.

The issues started with my taking a new job, but my taking the job was joint decesion. The job will provide us the opportunity to reach retirement in 15 years or sooner(I would be 50), for I was brought on to be a partner. The catch is we will have to move across the country, and I will have to travel quite a bit 6 months out of the year, and once the travel started everything started to fall apart.

How can distance and time apart make a womans heart grow so cold? She has told me that it isn't my fault, but tells me I am mean when I try to find out why she doesn't want to be with me? She has just givien up? She has told me and the marriage counselor there is not another man, if she isn't lying what could it be?

There are more details, but I don't want to drone on. Do I just give her what she wants or keeping fighting to get her love back?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

See if you can get her to open up in counseling about why she wants a divorce and why she says you're mean for asking questions. Maybe bring it up to the counselor over the phone so that he or she can initiate the conversation. I am about to be separated from my H of almost 6 years and it's the most awful thing I have ever endured. My advice is to fight as long as you think it's worth it. Too many people today just give up on marriage, but it's for better or worse, not just until things get difficult. I hope all the best for you.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Thank you for the input, she has refused to go to counseling with me. The last week has taken all of the fight out of me, for she has grown colder and has blamed me for her moving out. I never asked for her to leave, she just left, and now blames me for not having a home. I asked her to come back, but she will not if I am in the house; which has devasted me.

It makes it hard because I still love her, but feeling the coldness is making me cold as well. I have offered a trial seperation, but she said she wants a divorce. She has also asked me not to talk to her family, which kills me, I am closer to her dad than my dad.

I am trying not to become bitter and angry, but how do you stop that from building when the love of your life just quits on you and the marriage?


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Sorry you're going through this, CodeNameBob. I have other questions, but it struck me that she doesn't want you to talk to her family. Any idea why?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

It is either that she has not told them yet or she has never liked people to be involved when there are issues in her life. If she knew I was on this website looking for help she would flip out. 

I am completely lost on the family thing, for I believe her dad would be allow me to lean on him as well. He truly is a good man, but that being said he would never keep it from her if I called; which would probably make her even more cold and hateful.

What are the other questions, InAPickle?


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Was she saying that you are mean in general or just mean for trying to find out what caused her to leave?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

She has said I say mean things when we argue or considers a raised voice as anger. An example, when we were engaged we were considered the fun couple going out and getting everyone drunk whether it be friends or my clients, after we got married she felt I drank to much with clients and got to drunk in general and asked me to stop drinking; which I did cold turkey. I told her my not drinking would be tougher on friends and her than me, for I am the fun drunk guy. 

In the beginning she was supportive, but after several months of me not touching alcohol, she started pressuring me to go out and drink with her and our friends. I always went out, but never drank. She would try to pressure me to drink and we would start to fight or I would leave and pick her up when she needed a ride. After a while I told her she can't have it both ways, ask me not to drink then want me to, in saying that to her she would say I was mean. Anytime I would call her something she would call me mean.

I know in I not perfect and have said things that I regret, but I can honestly say that I have never called her a name.

I don't know...her asking for a divorce caught me and our marriage couselor completely of guard. I have been back to the couselor 3 times since she asked for a divorce looking for my own flaws to explain it...I get out of it is not to ask why.

Is my holding her to the same standard she holds me to mean?

Is holding her to our agreement to moving from the west coast to the east coast mean?

What is mean and cold is she asked for a divorce 3 days after our Aniversary; which we did not spend together because she was at work.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Looking for answers has consumed me...I am on the east coast for work and have a meeting 6 hours, but I am online looking and searching for help and answers.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

What's your marriage counselor's take on this? Are you going to continue the counseling by yourself? (probably a good idea)


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

You may not have answers anytime soon, so in the meantime I think you should do what you can to show her that you are committed to making this marriage work while giving her the space she asked for. 

Are there kids involved? 

You said this all began with the move and that things began to fall apart when the travel started. Was she strongly against moving and felt that her input and feelings about it didn't count? Was it your absence that caused the problems or just building resentment in regard to the move?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

First off..nobody is truly caught off guard when a spouse wants a divorce or separation..second..when a spouse reaches the point of wanting out it's usually too late for the 'caught off guard' spouse to change the other spouses mind.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Our couselor thinks she may be pushing me away because she is afraid of rejection, for my career is moving forward and hers is stalling.

Without getting to specific she has not passes her boards after several tries and is running the risk of never being able to practice in her field; which is terrifying for her. I believe in her and know she will pass.

I change industries and took a big pay cut for the partnership opportunity, so we have had to adjust for the short term, but I have never failed professionally so we would have been okay.

I will continue in my hometown until the move is complete


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

No kids, just dogs. We haven't moved yet, it is the prospect of moving. We discussed the opportunity for a few months before I committed. She was flown out for the final interview, knows the future partner(he was the best man in our wedding). My new positin allows me to live anywhere in the souteast and she looked at several states and cities for her future field. I truly believe she was on board in the beginning, then it changed after the first few months of heavy travel.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

2Daughters, I disagree on noone can be caught off guard. When your wife tells you she doesn't believe in divorce and has been the support for other couples, then asks for one, it will catch you off guard.


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## caliguy (Jun 8, 2010)

For a woman, it takes a long time to make the decision to leave you. However that doesn't mean she is expressing it to you at all. So while it has been inevitable for a while, you can still be caught off guard. Hey man, just wanted to say we are here for you and feel for you. You are in my thoughts. Listening to others is all I have right now that eases any pain of my own whatsoever... This **** is hard, there is no doubting that.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Caliguy, thanks for the kind words, this is a great place get advice and speak my thoughts. It is difficult to accept that while she was thinking about leaving me she shut me out, not wanting to talk to while I was on the road, which we learned in therapy together was her way of dealing with distance, which was while she was away in grad school and internships. So I we were in that cycle again, and believed we would come out stronger like before. 

This time we came out with me wondering what happened and her growing more cold.

It's odd because, I feel like I am to blame for working to much, but I know in my heart that I was the one that always left notes, messages, or planned date nights. Always looking for ways to show her how much I loved her.

The best part of my day was waking up and seeing her face, the second best part of my day was closing my eyes at night know the last thing I saw was her face. Being on the road killed me because I did not get those joys, but now I feel completely destroyed knowing that I will never get those joys again.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Ok codename..I'll rephrase it then...After a spouse has expressed feelings of unhappyness and says they want a separation or a divorce..once the 'caught off guard' spouse gets over the initial shock and reflects on the relationship..they are never TRULY 'caught off guard'..my mistake.


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