# Is he cheating or lying about something or is it just me???



## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 13 years.

We have had many issues in the past with him lying about drinking and drugs. But this stopped years ago.
Recently, a little over a year he started a new job. The work schedule is 3pm to 1130pm but he does alot of OT to 4am sometimes 7 am.

While we is at work he is very hard to get ahold of by phone he was so tired he would pass out everywhere so I told him this OT has to stop..anyway during these crazy work schedules he started to act weird and say things like his phone was being hacked and he reset his iPhone password constantly he literally had to go to the Apple store 4 different times to get it reset.
He is so overprotective with his phone and wallet.
He changed all his passwords for everything. His reasoning is because of “hackers”..

I thought maybe it’s the lack of sleep causing him to hallucinate or giving him this anxiety.

He no longer does that much OT but he still crazy overprotective with his phone.
He always has it on silent when he is home.
He also acts very secretive about his truck for example if he is in it and I walk out the house to him he literally jumps out of his truck as if avoiding me getting in or near it. I haven’t been in his truck since.

On two different occasions he took my car to work and when he picked me up from my moms after a late party he had sprayed hella deodorizer in my car. It’s was so weird I freaked he called me crazy and said he just “farted”. Like we’ve been married for so long and we don’t care about that dumb stuff.

When he gets home he literally runs to the shower he doesn’t even make eye contact with me and avoids
It’s so weird but when I say anything he always calls me crazy.. am I? Lol is it just me? Or is likely possible something is up? I need a different perspective and have no one to talk to about this.

Also, all these behaviors are new as of his new job. He wasn’t that secretive and communicated way better. We shared phone and he would leave it out in front of me all the time I knew all his passwords. And he always communicated like called and texted me all the time while at work.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Your post reads like a compendium of various posts detailing different clues that someone was being cheated on. Obviously you need to get a VAR and hide one in his truck. It won't take long to get the evidence you need. Or just hide a few in the house for when you're gone and he's there without you. Sooner or later he'll call his girlfriend. 

I don't think there really is a "different perspective" available.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We have all seen this story a thousand times .... almost detail for detail and word for word. It is like a script for a play that is read over and over ... just by different people. The play is called “ The Classic Cheater”

If he isn’t cheating then I’m Jesus Christ


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## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

A VAR in his truck idk if I’m willing to take that step..

I mean we use to have the find my iPhone on for each other’s phones all the time. For safety reasons. But when he was having this crazy hacker issue he turned it off and now it’s just never on I ask him and he turns it on and then it just doesn’t work again. I just don’t bother with it anymore.

I don’t want to do no spying stuff.. so idk what to do? I kinda feel like nervous and scared to find something out that I’m not ready to deal with.. idk I’m just being honest.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Knock knock .... Hello???????
There is no hacker issue. It’s a lie.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He is totally lying about the hacker stuff.

stop protecting him and place a VAR in his truck. Demand he keep his find my iPhone on. Start making demands - and don’t believe any of those stupid lies he’s telling you!

Do you work? Have kids?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or perhaps I’m Jesus Christ 

Ok you got me.... I’m just his brother Tommy. Tommy Christ... that’s me.


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## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

Beach123 said:


> He is totally lying about the hacker stuff.
> 
> stop protecting him and place a VAR in his truck. Demand he keep his find my iPhone on. Start making demands - and don’t believe any of those stupid lies he’s telling you!
> 
> Do you work? Have kids?


I do demand it.. he just turns it back off. I just gave up on that already. Every time I bring up these issues he says I’m pushing him away. 

We have 3 kids and one on the way.
I work full time.

We fight a lot too. I feel like giving up. Sometimes it just feels like I’m trying hard to just be happy together with our family that I just ignore all his bs and it feels like he finds something to complain something why he is just not happy it’s so stupid.
I’m tired and don’t want to try anymore.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your worn out and defeated because you have too much on your plate. When is the last time you actually relaxed or had a few hours of undisturbed down time ?


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## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Your worn out and defeated because you have too much on your plate. When is the last time you actually relaxed or had a few hours of undisturbed down time ?


 I just had my 3rd she is 19 months and recently found out I’m expecting again so I haven’t had any time to relax since even before then.
We are always dealing with bills and responsibilities and he hates to deal with that so I’m always stressed With all of it he says I nag him and I should trust him to get things done but when I do the bill will go over due for months. We get into huge fights because of this. He is irresponsible and feel like he is very immature still although we are the same age. He has grown up a lot but still has a long ways to go atleast I think so lol.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well your in a sh!t show for sure .... he is cheating no doubt. Have any family that can help out ? Get on birth control


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have him take a drug test. Make sure you watch him while he takes the test. You need to know what he’s hiding!

do you think he was bringing home the overtime money he should have been earning when he said he worked a lot of overtime? Was it a lot more money or could he have been spending some on drugs?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, my gut feeling strongly says drugs or smoking, not cheating... I agree with the drug test. Also, look for money withdrawals or missing money.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Has your husband been a smoker in the past? The deodorizer and showers made me think of smoking, too. Although doesn't address the phone thing. There was a similar scenario shared here before where the husband was secretly smoking.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ladyj23 said:


> ...he doesn’t even make eye contact with me and avoids


...I used to do this as a teenager if I was still high when I got home.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> Has your husband been a smoker in the past? The deodorizer and showers made me think of smoking, too. Although doesn't address the phone thing. There was a similar scenario shared here before where the husband was secretly smoking.


Hiding the phone could be to hide whoever he is texting about drugs, or whoever is texting him if he's somehow selling, or maybe what sites he's looked up. Maybe a bit of a stretch, but this one just doesn't scream cheating to me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And it coincides with the new job, maybe more stress / late shifts and coping mechanisms.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Or could be that he just likes to shower when he gets home, and had very bad gas in the car..!
Who says chivalry is dead?


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## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

Thanks all I agree I felt strongly that maybe it’s drugs and alcohol again.
I asked him a for a drug test his words were if you make me take a drug test I will loose a lot of respect for you. And I felt bad for asking so I didn’t bring it up anymore.

He got new debit cards and uses those sometimes I have no access to those. I did tell him that it’s weird for him to have his own accounts if we been married and always shared everything. He says he bearly uses them and that he has nothing in those cards.. but his direct deposit goes straight to one of them.

He never likes to show me his paystub I asked for it once for something and he took some parts out I wanted to add up his OT with what he was telling me but since he cut it I couldn’t check. I told him and he said it wasn’t intentional...


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## ladyj23 (Oct 28, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> ...I used to do this as a teenager if I was still high when I got home.


I did too which is why I questioned this he also sprays hella body spray on him before coming home for lunch sometimes..even our kids notice. He calls me crazy.

I feel like I’m dealing with a teenager rather than a husband.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ladyj23 said:


> I asked him a for a drug test his words were if you make me take a drug test I will loose a lot of respect for you.


Tell him "respect" won't be the only thing he's losing. He will lose his marriage too if he doesn't comply.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ladyj23 said:


> And I felt bad for asking so I didn’t bring it up anymore.


You might be enabling his behavior/substance abuse.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You are going to have to be very firm with your husband. Tell him you think he is using again, you are concerned, and would like to get him help. If he denies that, which he probably will, then tell him you need a drug test for your peace of mind. If he refuses, then be firm. He either gets a drug test, gives you his bank records, and gives you his payslips, or you're filing for divorce. Then you follow through.

Unless you want to stay in this marriage, with things staying exactly the same as they are now. If you keep letting things go and dropping the subject, he has no reason to change. Most people have to lose everything to really change.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The fact that he doesn’t validate your feelings or even listen to you is disrespectful. He totally blows you off when you say anything! It seems you need to stand firm - your feelings ARE valid and there for a reason - he is acting disrespectful to you. And he’s is your partner - you should always be able to see what money he has earned. But I don’t think he’s going to change... it may be easier to divorce him and include in the divorce papers he show his paystub in total - or taxes filed. Do you see how much he earns when taxes are filed?

either way something is up with him and it’s not good. Do you make enough to support yourself for a while? Can family help? he needs to be out but you also need a plan to support yourself and the kids. Where do his bank statements go? start checking around the house for papers that could help to find financial info.

you need to see an attorney to know what to expect if you divorce him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s good at gaslighting you. And he’ll continue that pattern. Why not — it’s worked so far.

Start working on a life plan. You’re going to need it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ladyj23 said:


> I did too which is why I questioned this he also sprays hella body spray on him before coming home for lunch sometimes..even our kids notice. He calls me crazy.
> 
> I feel like I’m dealing with a teenager rather than a husband.


Then my question is...WHEN are you going to stand up to him and demand transparency from him...??


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Yup, he's a lying cheat--even if it is not yet infidelity and is drugs or other. But you say you are too tired and scared to 'find out.' Taking no action is actually an action anyway and a choice we do not advocate.

Agree--get on birth control. Put some money back because he is controlling finances. Be prepared to live a lonely life.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ladyj23 said:


> Thanks all I agree I felt strongly that maybe it’s drugs and alcohol again.
> I asked him a for a drug test his words were if you make me take a drug test I will loose a lot of respect for you. And I felt bad for asking so I didn’t bring it up anymore.
> 
> He got new debit cards and uses those sometimes I have no access to those. I did tell him that it’s weird for him to have his own accounts if we been married and always shared everything. He says he bearly uses them and that he has nothing in those cards.. but his direct deposit goes straight to one of them.
> ...


Don't take this the right way, but if you're not willing to do something as simple as plant a VAR in his truck, or even inside the home, why are you here? Every piece of new information you bring up makes things sound worse and worse and worse. And since this has been going on for some time, why keep having kids with this guy? 

Step #1: Get tested for STDs.
Step #2: Plant a few VARs
Step #3: Work out a safe exit strategy, since your message stream is following a pattern and soon we'll hear that there's the potential for physical violence. 
Step #4: After this next kid comes into the world, consider a form of birth control that's reversible but long-term. IUD, implant, whatever. Consider not telling your husband or future partner. See if they're willing to take responsibility for their actions.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Notwithstanding the other shady things he's doing, he doesn't show you his pay stubs yet worked a ton of OT (allegedly) and has his paycheck directly deposited into his own account? And then produces a redacted pay stub? What more info do you need? Either he worked the OT and spent the money, or he didn't work the OT and is doing something highly nefarious. 

And he tells you he'd lose respect for _you_ if you made him take a drug test?

Please. He's the addict here. I smell guilt all the way here in the Midwest. Don't let him bully you into submission.

If you don't want to force the issue, be prepared to continue to live with a super secret husband who may be cheating and abusing drugs/alcohol, but _also_ practicing financial infidelity.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ladyj23 said:


> Thanks all I agree I felt strongly that maybe it’s drugs and alcohol again.
> I asked him a for a drug test his words were* if you make me take a drug test I will loose a lot of respect for you*. And I felt bad for asking so I didn’t bring it up anymore.
> 
> *He got new debit cards and uses those sometimes I have no access to those.* I did tell him that it’s weird for him to have his own accounts if we been married and always shared everything. *He says he bearly uses them* and that he has nothing in those cards.. *but his direct deposit goes straight to one of them.
> ...


He's either using again, cheating, or the oh so common combo platter of using with someone he's also cheating with. All of his behavior points to somethin seriously wrong, but the bolded bits are just glaring red flags.

Why are you not insisting he turn over paystubs, bank records, and submit to a drug test? You're his wife. What he does and does not do effects you and your children, possibly for years to come. You have the right. If he doesn't want to comply then tell him he can either become financially transparent now or in court when the lawyer subpoena's those documents anyway. He can take a drug test now or when the lawyer requests a drug test for the court to use to determine visitation. His choice.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If I were a wife with several young children I’d demand to know EXACTLY how much money my husband is earning every single pay period!!! 
the fact that he doesn’t Willingly hand Over this info is despicable! He owes you that peace of mind! He owes his kids that safe feeling and security!

know what money and how it’s spent! And if he won’t provide it happily then divorce him now!

seriously! Sheez! What a douchebag!


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## Mr Anderson (Apr 14, 2020)

Has he ever had a problem with amphetamines. Being paranoid of people hacking their phones is a red flag. Him being startled and jumping outta his truck sounds like he was about to do some and you walked up on him and spoiled that moment for him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I think you’d find his info he’s hiding in his truck. Do you have a spare key around? Search his truck and glove box when he’s sleeping.

Him mentioning losing trust? well he’s ruined the trust in him - and you should blatantly let him know that! Start calling it what it is because of the way he participates. He participates on a level that creates a lack of trust by being demeaning, secretive, shady and unsupportive.
Call him out! Tell him you aren’t living with a partner who treats you with such disrespect! Tell him it’s just not right and you aren’t gonna take his crap behavior any more!!!!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OP, you said *“I don’t want to do no spying stuff.. so idk what to do? I kinda feel like nervous and scared to find something out that I’m not ready to deal with.“*

If you want to bury your head in the sand and not investigate what is going on, I don’t see how we can help you here.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

For sure - you need to find the info that tells you what’s real. Without info you don’t have any truth.

it’s not spying - it’s searching for the truth! Especially since he’s not telling you what’s going on!


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Many years ago I took care of all the finances including: paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, monitoring the bank balances and I even filled out both of our income taxes etc.

My wife knew nothing except writing a check for groceries. Well, this one time when I got sick she felt so helpless. She didn't know how to do much of anything. After she expressed her frustation with the situation, I told her she could take over our finances.

To this day, she looks after everything to do with our finances. 

You need to get involved with knowing what's happing financially.

JMHO.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Simple thought; Living in Limbo, scared to find our what the truth is? I had the same feelings when my wife was acting the same way. It was torture. When I finally put a VAR in her car, I learned the truth and it was terrible. At the same time, I felt a huge boulder off my chest and felt much better than when I was in Limbo.

For what it's worth...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's hiding something. That something may be nothing more than paranoia and general mental illness, but he's hiding something.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And IF he is so concerned about something else that’s happening - and he’s not sharing that with YOU - and it’s impacting your M in a huge way... that’s really not much of a union.

iF he intends to shut you out and make you his scapegoat... he should seriously be on his own.

he’s withholding info AND that is affecting how he treats you... that’s no good!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think developing greater trust between you is needed. 
So that you can express your concerns and he can be open with what is occurring - if/what there is.
How do you go about that? ...well, that's above my TAM pay-grade.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It really sounds like your husband is up to something. Be it drugs, alcohol or another woman you won’t know unless you do some detective work.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

OP, YOU are not Crazy...
Your gut is telling you that something is wrong...and I'd be willing to bet my retirement fund that your gut is right.
I get that you are afraid to do any snooping because you are afraid of what you will find...but KNOW THIS...the longer you delay, the worse the outcome and effects will be...
You need to put on your big girl pants and deal with this for the sake of your children...and for your own mental and physical health...
Living a nightmare like this can take a serious toll on your health over time...






Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ladyj23 said:


> I did too which is why I questioned this he also sprays hella body spray on him before coming home for lunch sometimes..even our kids notice. He calls me crazy.
> 
> I feel like I’m dealing with a teenager rather than a husband.


He is likely smoking pot (or crack) in his truck and, that did that one time in your car.

Does he work with any females? If so, he may be also be having smoking hot sex in the truck, during breaks, or after his shift. And those overtime claims may be bogus, or exaggerated. 

I was a supervisor at a big auto plant (working those shifts) and this went on all the time.


_THRD-_


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