# Husband wants brother to live with us for a year



## smarry10

Hello,

This is my first time on this forum. I've been lurking for years though.

I could use some advice about this situation. 

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and we have three children, ages 7, 5 and 5 months.

My husband is from another country and while we share the same country of origin, I was born and raised in the US. I've never been to my ancestral home.

My husband is the only member of his family here. My parents live in another state and my siblings are scattered all over. I've never met my in laws.

My husband has decided to bring his younger brother to the states. And by younger, I mean he's 30 years old. My husband is planning to bring him here in August. 

I asked DH where will his brother be living and he said with us. I asked for how long and he tells me a year. I say absolutely not. Mind you, he never discussed any of this with me and just assumed this would be the situation.

It's been a point of contention and every time he brings up the topic, I state my position that he should find his brother a place to stay. I don't believe in housing grown ups and for me, my house is my sanctuary. We've had people living with us during the first two years of our marriage and both scenarios did NOT end well.

When DH was single, he had an open door policy. I tried to accommodate that but I quickly learned that this is just not for me. I understand parents (whether mind of his) coming to visit for a few months but anyone outside that category is a no go for me.

My husband has told me that I'm being selfish and I'm really very hurt by this. I feel that as his wife he should at least consult me on my thoughts and not just impose situations on me. This is my house too and I just don't want anyone living with us besides our children, of course. 

I need some advice because my husband dismisses my wishes every time we discuss it and I'm at the point of where I feel the need to draw the line. In general, he's very nonchalant about my wishes and I've gotten to the point where I feel enough is enough. I've already told him that if his brother shows up here, I'm leaving. 

Thoughts???


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## BioFury

You're not being selfish. I wouldn't allow someone to live in my house long term either.

You have another option though. Instead of refusing to house his brother at all, you could consent to him staying there for 2-4 weeks. Which will give them time to find his brother a suitable place to live. That said, if he's going to be here in August, you could just tell your husband that he needs to find his brother alternate housing by the time he arrives.

You're threat to leave if his brother shows up seems a bit out of place though. Makes me think your marriage is experiencing a good deal of trouble in other areas?


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## 225985

I only read the title. NO.


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## smarry10

BioFury said:


> You're not being selfish. I wouldn't allow someone to live in my house long term either.
> 
> You have another option thought. Instead of refusing to house his brother at all, you could consent to him staying there for 2-4 weeks. Which will give them time to find his brother a suitable place to live. That said, if he's going to be here in August, you could just tell your husband that he needs to find his brother alternate housing by the time he arrives.
> 
> You're threat to leave if his brother shows up seems a bit out of place though. Makes me think your marriage is experiencing a good deal of trouble in other areas?


Yes, our marriage has been rocky, to say the least. I find it very frustrating trying to communicate with my husband. He's either walking away from me when I'm talking or completely ignoring my wishes. It used to lead to some major blowout arguments. Back then, I would react poorly to his behavior. I've gone to counseling and learned how to deal with it better.

I just feel like after 8 years of marriage, I don't want this to become an unnecessary issue. 

Honestly, it would take me leaving for him to take me seriously. I hate that it has to get to that point but prior experience has taught me that sometimes that's the only way to get through to him.


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## smarry10

blueinbr said:


> I only read the title. NO.


lol... Thanks, I agree!


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## GusPolinski

Nope.


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## 225985

My parents did this when i was very little. I did not turn out good. Dad's brother made my mom afraid.


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## joannacroc

There are enough stressors in marriage with 3 kids, without having another family member in the house. Just talk to him when you've calmed down, and you're able to rationally outline the reasons why it's not a good idea (not enough space, kids will bother him, he will make the kids nervous, it's not normal for a grown man to live with his brothers family, our sex life will go down the toilet, we will fight the whole time and you will take his side), then suggest a few solutions, like a few postings on your local craigslist or with your local real estate broker, so you can have him pass the torch to his brother in terms of finding accommodations and being responsible for himself. Also make it clear his brother is welcome to come spend time with the family and come over for dinners etc. if that works for you and him. That way he knows you're not blanket rejecting his family member, you just don't want him living with you.


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## smarry10

joannacroc said:


> There are enough stressors in marriage with 3 kids, without having another family member in the house. Just talk to him when you've calmed down, and you're able to rationally outline the reasons why it's not a good idea (not enough space, kids will bother him, he will make the kids nervous, it's not normal for a grown man to live with his brothers family, our sex life will go down the toilet, we will fight the whole time and you will take his side), then suggest a few solutions, like a few postings on your local craigslist or with your local real estate broker, so you can have him pass the torch to his brother in terms of finding accommodations and being responsible for himself. Also make it clear his brother is welcome to come spend time with the family and come over for dinners etc. if that works for you and him. That way he knows you're not blanket rejecting his family member, you just don't want him living with you.


Thanks, these are great suggestions. I'm going to try this!


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## john117

The answer is it depends...

Is he planning to work? Go to college? 

Is he and your brother close?

Do you have a large house?

Do you have disposable income?

What are the exit conditions? Is he going back or ???

Outright I would say no as well but these are the questions you need to have answered... depending on which country you're from it is not uncommon. 

But with the information you gave so far it's a no.


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## Síocháin

BIG, BIG, No. 

I wouldn't even offer to do temporary. I had one of my H's family members living with us. It was supposed to be temporary.....it wasn't. It was for almost 2 years. During that time, I got completely left out & mistreated. My H took the other persons side in all things. I was the cook, the mom, & the maid. 

NEVER AGAIN. No, please no. Save yourself the heartache & the betrayal you will feel.


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## BioFury

smarry10 said:


> Yes, our marriage has been rocky, to say the least. I find it very frustrating trying to communicate with my husband. He's either walking away from me when I'm talking or completely ignoring my wishes. It used to lead to some major blowout arguments. Back then, I would react poorly to his behavior. I've gone to counseling and learned how to deal with it better.
> 
> I just feel like after 8 years of marriage, I don't want this to become an unnecessary issue.
> 
> Honestly, it would take me leaving for him to take me seriously. I hate that it has to get to that point but prior experience has taught me that sometimes that's the only way to get through to him.


Ok, so he doesn't respect your opinion or thoughts. Has your husband been to counseling with you? Do you often find yourself philosophically at odds with your husband?

I can only assume that your love life isn't very active? I can't imagine inviting a total stranger to live in the house for a year and it being otherwise.

And yes, as another poster pointed out, if you allow him to stay for even a short duration, there is a risk that it will turn into years. Especially since your husband doesn't listen to you, and is uncooperative. You'll have to evict his brother all by yourself, while your husband fights to keep him there. Which will not end well. It is probably best to just deny him entrance altogether.


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## Blondilocks

You have 3 kids and one of them is 5 months old. Hell, no.


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## smarry10

john117 said:


> The answer is it depends...
> 
> Is he planning to work? Go to college?
> 
> Is he and your brother close?
> 
> Do you have a large house?
> 
> Do you have disposable income?
> 
> What are the exit conditions? Is he going back or ???
> 
> Outright I would say no as well but these are the questions you need to have answered... depending on which country you're from it is not uncommon.
> 
> But with the information you gave so far it's a no.


My H has no plan for how or when his brother will get a job. I'm a SAHM. 

In our culture, closeness is not required. It's more of some ideological duty. However, I didn't sign up to be a part of any of this and I resent that my H didn't bother to ask me if it was okay. 

Yes, we have a large house.

No, we don't have disposable income which is why I'm against this idea. I manage the finances and it's a stretch as it is. I don't need another stressor on our finances.

There are no exit conditions. It's just figure it out as we go along. Yet another reason why I don't want this. Not even on a temporary basis.


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## smarry10

Síocháin said:


> BIG, BIG, No.
> 
> I wouldn't even offer to do temporary. I had one of my H's family members living with us. It was supposed to be temporary.....it wasn't. It was for almost 2 years. During that time, I got completely left out & mistreated. My H took the other persons side in all things. I was the cook, the mom, & the maid.
> 
> NEVER AGAIN. No, please no. Save yourself the heartache & the betrayal you will feel.


Yeah, this is what I don't want. In our culture, there are expectations from women. But of course, most of them have help there. I don't.


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## smarry10

BioFury said:


> smarry10 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, our marriage has been rocky, to say the least. I find it very frustrating trying to communicate with my husband. He's either walking away from me when I'm talking or completely ignoring my wishes. It used to lead to some major blowout arguments. Back then, I would react poorly to his behavior. I've gone to counseling and learned how to deal with it better.
> 
> I just feel like after 8 years of marriage, I don't want this to become an unnecessary issue.
> 
> Honestly, it would take me leaving for him to take me seriously. I hate that it has to get to that point but prior experience has taught me that sometimes that's the only way to get through to him.
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, so he doesn't respect your opinion or thoughts. Has your husband been to counseling with you? Do you often find yourself philosophically at odds with your husband?
> 
> I can only assume that your love life isn't very active? I can't imagine inviting a total stranger to live in the house for a year and it being otherwise.
> 
> And yes, as another poster pointed out, if you allow him to stay for even a short duration, there is a risk that it will turn into years. Especially since your husband doesn't listen to you, and is uncooperative. You'll have to evict his brother all by yourself, while your husband fights to keep him there. Which will not end well. It is probably best to just deny him entrance altogether.
Click to expand...

No, he feels that there are no problems and any problems are "my problems". So as you can see, rocky road.

No, we don't. It's all about making money with him. Having his brother here is will be a very uncomfortable situation for me since I'm a SAHM. 

Now you see why I'm totally against this.


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## smarry10

Blondilocks said:


> You have 3 kids and one of them is 5 months old. Hell, no.


I wonder why my husband can't understand that. And my 5 month old has had some health challenges that are being monitored. Like, enough already. I don't need to start dragging his brother around with me.


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## rzmpf

smarry10 said:


> I wonder why my husband can't understand that. And my 5 month old has had some health challenges that are being monitored. Like, enough already. I don't need to start dragging his brother around with me.


Cultural ideology is just like any other ideology mostly dogmatic and hardly accessible to reasonable arguments.

What's the legal status of his brother's immigration to the US? Family visa? Green Card? Could legal consequences for you and your family arise?


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## citygirl4344

I cannot imagine even temporarily doing this..no matter how big your house is. 
Kids are a huge stress on a marriage and throw in a family member would be more not needed stress. 

I think you have an issue where it seems culturally men tend to make most of the decisions and it doesn't matter what you think. I would guess that where your husband is from it would be pretty typical to have random family stay for periods of time. 
@rzmpf is right in that reasonable arguments won't get you anywhere. 
I would do what rzmpf suggested and look into the legal side with the visa etc. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## aine

smarry10 said:


> Hello,
> 
> This is my first time on this forum. I've been lurking for years though.
> 
> I could use some advice about this situation.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and we have three children, ages 7, 5 and 5 months.
> 
> My husband is from another country and while we share the same country of origin, I was born and raised in the US. I've never been to my ancestral home.
> 
> My husband is the only member of his family here. My parents live in another state and my siblings are scattered all over. I've never met my in laws.
> 
> My husband has decided to bring his younger brother to the states. And by younger, I mean he's 30 years old. My husband is planning to bring him here in August.
> 
> I asked DH where will his brother be living and he said with us. I asked for how long and he tells me a year. I say absolutely not. Mind you, he never discussed any of this with me and just assumed this would be the situation.
> 
> It's been a point of contention and every time he brings up the topic, I state my position that he should find his brother a place to stay. I don't believe in housing grown ups and for me, my house is my sanctuary. We've had people living with us during the first two years of our marriage and both scenarios did NOT end well.
> 
> When DH was single, he had an open door policy. I tried to accommodate that but I quickly learned that this is just not for me. I understand parents (whether mind of his) coming to visit for a few months but anyone outside that category is a no go for me.
> 
> My husband has told me that I'm being selfish and I'm really very hurt by this. I feel that as his wife he should at least consult me on my thoughts and not just impose situations on me. This is my house too and I just don't want anyone living with us besides our children, of course.
> 
> I need some advice because my husband dismisses my wishes every time we discuss it and I'm at the point of where I feel the need to draw the line. In general, he's very nonchalant about my wishes and I've gotten to the point where I feel enough is enough. I've already told him that if his brother shows up here, I'm leaving.
> 
> Thoughts???


it's obvious your cultural background and his are very different, he grew up in the country of origin where family even extended family are allowed to be guests as long as they want. You have a much more western view of boundaries. You need to sit him down and explain this to him. You have to consider what are the negatives for you and consider the consequences for him. He may choose his brother over you, (I have been in this scenario a few times with his brother and mother). 
Ask him about his brother's food, clothes, etc are you expected to take care of these things too, because if so, you want household help, an au pair, housekeeper etc. (Is the brother self financing?).Three kids are hard work. You have to be less emotional (I know it is an emotional topic) and more objective. Sit down and list the pros and cons, the practicalities of having his brother for a year, the impact on household, the finances etc. Then broach the topic. Tell your H he has to consider your feelings otherwise you will move to your parents house, etc. Whatever threats you make you must follow through.


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## smarry10

aine said:


> smarry10 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hello,
> 
> This is my first time on this forum. I've been lurking for years though.
> 
> I could use some advice about this situation.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and we have three children, ages 7, 5 and 5 months.
> 
> My husband is from another country and while we share the same country of origin, I was born and raised in the US. I've never been to my ancestral home.
> 
> My husband is the only member of his family here. My parents live in another state and my siblings are scattered all over. I've never met my in laws.
> 
> My husband has decided to bring his younger brother to the states. And by younger, I mean he's 30 years old. My husband is planning to bring him here in August.
> 
> I asked DH where will his brother be living and he said with us. I asked for how long and he tells me a year. I say absolutely not. Mind you, he never discussed any of this with me and just assumed this would be the situation.
> 
> It's been a point of contention and every time he brings up the topic, I state my position that he should find his brother a place to stay. I don't believe in housing grown ups and for me, my house is my sanctuary. We've had people living with us during the first two years of our marriage and both scenarios did NOT end well.
> 
> When DH was single, he had an open door policy. I tried to accommodate that but I quickly learned that this is just not for me. I understand parents (whether mind of his) coming to visit for a few months but anyone outside that category is a no go for me.
> 
> My husband has told me that I'm being selfish and I'm really very hurt by this. I feel that as his wife he should at least consult me on my thoughts and not just impose situations on me. This is my house too and I just don't want anyone living with us besides our children, of course.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I need some advice because my husband dismisses my wishes every time we discuss it and I'm at the point of where I feel the need to draw the line. In general, he's very nonchalant about my wishes and I've gotten to the point where I feel enough is enough. I've already told him that if his brother shows up here, I'm leaving.
> 
> Thoughts???
> 
> 
> 
> it's obvious your cultural background and his are very different, he grew up in the country of origin where family even extended family are allowed to be guests as long as they want. You have a much more western view of boundaries. You need to sit him down and explain this to him. You have to consider what are the negatives for you and consider the consequences for him. He may choose his brother over you, (I have been in this scenario a few times with his brother and mother).
> Ask him about his brother's food, clothes, etc are you expected to take care of these things too, because if so, you want household help, an au pair, housekeeper etc. (Is the brother self financing?).Three kids are hard work. You have to be less emotional (I know it is an emotional topic) and more objective. Sit down and list the pros and cons, the practicalities of having his brother for a year, the impact on household, the finances etc. Then broach the topic. Tell your H he has to consider your feelings otherwise you will move to your parents house, etc. Whatever threats you make you must follow through.
Click to expand...

I've asked all these questions. He doesn't have any answers. This is not the first time we've had people living with us and both of those scenarios didn't end well.

My h is a fly by the seat type of person and I'm the one who gets the stress. It's a very unpleasant merry go round and this time, I'm getting off the ride.

Staying with my parents is not in the cards. They live in another state and wouldn't be open to me coming back there. Again, "culture". I'll have to make alternate arrangements.


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## 225985

blueinbr said:


> My parents did this when i was very little. I did not turn out good. Dad's brother made my mom afraid.


That was about 50 years ago. Eventually my dad had to kick his brother out. I do not call him my uncle since I never met him and he go involved with shady people and was killed. The important takeaway here is that his presence made my mom (then very young with two kids) very uncomfortable. 

More recently about five years about my wife's sister moved, along with my niece, for about "one month". Well, FIVE months later they were still there with us. The sister still did not have a job, always an excuse. My niece stopped going to (high) school and just kept skipping classes because she was "sick". The stress got so bad that my wife's health was affected. I had to kick them out. They went on to freeload elsewhere.

Your husband needs to set his brother up somewhere close by to live. This "fly by the seat" approach is bad. Without a real plan that gets followed, this will fail.

You already know this: " we've had people living with us and both of those scenarios didn't end well."

This would be #3. 

Put your foot down. Say he is welcome in the house for dinners etc but NOT to live there. He can live nearby and your husband can handle the arrangements.

Good luck.

BTW, is this India culture?


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## Anon Pink

It can work.

My sister moved in with us in 2009. We finished off the basement for her. She had a bedroom a living area and a separate small room for her arts and crafts.

There were times I really wanted my house to myself, to be honest. But most of the time it didn't really bother us. My H couldn't walk around in his boxers anymore so he designated a few pairs of shorts as his "house boxers" and that worked.

As I said, my sister had her own living area and her own craft area. So she spent the bulk of her time at home in her rooms. We all ate together and we all cleaned up together. The bonus was that we had someone to be home for the kids and pets if we wanted to get away, or just stay out late.

It worked because she had her own space and we still had " family space" and she respected that.

Having family move in can work if you can maintain private spaces where your nuclear family can gather, space where the exended member can relax in private, and spaces where the whole extended version can gather. 

My sister generally bought her own groceries and twice a week she would cook a dinner for all of us. The only family meals we have are dinner, the other meal times everyone is on their own. 


To be honest, I get the feeling that your major stumbling block is the fact that your husband didn't consult you. I'm not minimizing what a douchy thing that was to not consult you. And he continues to be douchy about it by not even hearing your concerns. That would totally infuriate me too.

Tell your husband if he can't work with you and hear you, he and his brother are more than welcome to live together in some other domicile because you won't live with someone who won't hear you and collaborate with you.


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## BioFury

Anon Pink said:


> It can work.
> 
> My sister moved in with us in 2009. We finished off the basement for her. She had a bedroom a living area and a separate small room for her arts and crafts.
> 
> There were times I really wanted my house to myself, to be honest. But most of the time it didn't really bother us. My H couldn't walk around in his boxers anymore so he designated a few pairs of shorts as his "house boxers" and that worked.
> 
> As I said, my sister had her own living area and her own craft area. So she spent the bulk of her time at home in her rooms. We all ate together and we all cleaned up together. The bonus was that we had someone to be home for the kids and pets if we wanted to get away, or just stay out late.
> 
> It worked because she had her own space and we still had " family space" and she respected that.
> 
> Having family move in can work if you can maintain private spaces where your nuclear family can gather, space where the exended member can relax in private, and spaces where the whole extended version can gather.
> 
> My sister generally bought her own groceries and twice a week she would cook a dinner for all of us. The only family meals we have are dinner, the other meal times everyone is on their own.
> 
> 
> To be honest, I get the feeling that your major stumbling block is the fact that your husband didn't consult you. I'm not minimizing what a douchy thing that was to not consult you. And he continues to be douchy about it by not even hearing your concerns. That would totally infuriate me too.
> 
> Tell your husband if he can't work with you and hear you, he and his brother are more than welcome to live together in some other domicile because you won't live with someone who won't hear you and collaborate with you.


I hear what you're saying, but you and your husband worked as a team to set acceptable boundaries everyone was comfortable with. You working as a team allowed you to present a united front, and enforce said boundaries, should they be violated. Futhermore, you had a sister who understood those boundaries, and respected them.

What I'm hearing from the OP, is that her husband will not establish any boundaries for his brother in their home. Thus, there are no boundaries for his brother to respect, even if he planned to do so. Regardless of the fact that the OP doesn't want his brother there at all. Which means that it most likely won't work out like your situation did.


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## john117

Depends on the house - our house is quite large and designed to accommodate long term guests with 2 full kitchens, 5 full bathrooms, 2 offices...

But the part of no plan bothers me. I assume OPs husband sponsored his brother for green card. Means OP and husband will be in theory responsible for support for some time based on immigration law... on top of any other issues.

It's also personality. But overall I don't think it's workable.


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## michzz

It's ok that this is your line in the sand.

But if it is, be ready to enforce it 100%!

Three kids and one being an infant?

Who thinks it is a good idea to add in a grown man into your house?

That's nonsense.


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## Anon Pink

@BioFury, true, they aren't acting/deciding as a team. In all honesty...NEITHER of them are. He say yes move in done deal end of story no conversation and she says no way no how not happening.

Clearly, one of them has to initiate the collaboration. And since she's the one here I vote for her to be the one. 

She could begin a conversation by acknowledging his desire to host his brother and also acknowledging his right to continue to care for his family. This puts is hackles down, allows him to calm because now he feels heard and respected.

They can spend a little time discussing ways in which this might be a good thing for everyone.

Then she can lay out her most important concerns.

1. We need to agree to boundaries so that you and I still have privacy.
2. We need to agree to expectations so that he knows, and we know, how he will contribute to the 3. running of this home.
4. We need to agree to an end date.
5. We need to agree that any creepy behavior will be handled by husband with the consequence terminating his welcome.


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## Blondilocks

The OP will still be in the position of cook and maid to the brother. Three kids and one of them with health issues requires a good deal of her time. As she said, where her husband is from the wives have domestic help - she does not. Her husband hasn't given one iota of thought to the burden he is placing on his wife and his pride will prevent him from rescinding his offer. Getting out of Dodge is her best bet.


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## frusdil

No. No. And NO.

I don't care how many kids you have, even if I had none, no way would any of my inlaws be moving in here. Not even for the weekend. No f'n way.


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## jimrich

smarry10 said:


> I asked DH where will his brother be living and he said with us. I asked for how long and he tells me a year. I say absolutely not. Mind you, he never discussed any of this with me and just assumed this would be the situation.


Well, there's the basic problem. He does not see you as his equal so he has no RESPECT for your wishes and interests or any need to discuss things with you. 



> My husband has told me that I'm being selfish and I'm really very hurt by this.


You should be hurt and know that he is PROJECTING his own "selfishness" onto you! 



> I feel that as his wife he should at least consult me on my thoughts and not just impose situations on me. This is my house too and I just don't want anyone living with us besides our children, of course.


I absolutely agree with you!



> I need some advice because my husband dismisses my wishes every time we discuss it and I'm at the point of where I feel the need to draw the line. In general, he's very nonchalant about my wishes and I've gotten to the point where I feel enough is enough. I've already told him that if his brother shows up here, I'm leaving.


Yes, draw the line, stick with it and LEAVE this selfish, inconsiderate and OFFENSIVE husband the moment he crosses your boundary. Enough is enough so don't take any more of his offenses! Life is too short to waste it with an inconsiderate, BULLY! Stand up for your self and your RIGHTS! :surprise:


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## wifenumber2

What ended up happening with this situation? Did he stay with you?


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