# Is it a smart idea to seek help from each other's families?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Or would it just create extra drama with each respective families taking sides? I feel that families can help up to a certain point before things get too personal and they get into a "don't treat my son/daughter/sister/brother that way" and don't give reasonable advice. In your experience is it best to seek help from a neutral party such as a counselor or in forums such as these?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Honestly I think its better to get advice from a counselor or a marriage advice forum. I will tell you why. I tell my parents about a lot of the stuff that goes on in my marriage, and sometimes I end up regretting it. I can already count on the fact that my family isn't going to have anything positive to say about my husband's family... not that my in-laws have ever really specifically done anything to my parents to make them feel this way... thats just how it is, for some reason.

I think part of my family's disklike toward my in laws started when I moved away from them and went down to Georgia to be with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. They always acted like they were jealous of the fact that I was near my in laws, but that I was so far away from them, despite the fact that I still visited my parents all the time. I got the impression that they were afraid I would get too close of a relationship with my in laws, and that I would forget all about them or something. 

We arent even living in Georgia near his parents anymore. We are now living back in NC, only about 10 minutes away from my parents... but they still have nothing good to say about my in laws. I guess theres still some resentment.

In general, I get along with my in laws... theyre always nice to me, Ive always been nice to them... but there have been a few times when I have felt like I wished they would stop trying to get us involved in their financial problems. I have went to my parents and talked to them about this issue before, but it just seems like I don't get any real advice. All they do is talk bad about about his family, say that theyre bums, and basically suggest they need to just take care of their own business and quit trying to drag us down with them. I come to them for advice hoping they'll be able to calm me down, but all that happens when I talk to them is that I end up feeling even more angry and hateful toward his family than I did before.

However, when I came on this forum and asked for advice, I found that I actually got a lot more helpful responses. Although I dont agree with everything that certain people say here, there are some people here who actually have given me helpful suggestions. People here have suggested that instead of just expecting for my husband to disregard his family and not care about their problems, we should try to come up with ways to help them without allowing them to walk all over us, or drag us down. Ive found this advice to be more helpful than anything my parents have said to me, and its certainly more realistic. Lets be honest, my husband isnt just going to turn his back on his family and suddenly stop caring about them, and I should not expect him to. 

I cant speak for all families but I know for sure that my family is always going to take my side... especially when it comes to problems with the in laws... so yes, I think its better to just ask advice from someone who can speak to you subjectively instead of someone who will speak with their emotions.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks for sharing and very good example. I used to believe that family is all you needed. Then I took a step back and thought about my own parents. When my parents fought, it seemed to be a "my family vs. your family" type of deal, even though most of our relatives are thousands of miles away in another country. Growing up they instilled in me that "outsiders" are not needed because family will always be there for you. True in most cases but when it comes to subjects such as relationships, they tend to take sides. I don't see things that way anymore and prefer to seek help from neutral parties. I tested this out and spoke to my mom about some of my marital issues because of course, she's my mother and we're close. One of the first things that came out of her mouth was "Men always think that way, what's wrong with him?" I hadn't even gotten in depth with the situation that could have easily been provoked by me before she said that. She has an emotional attachment to me and is more likely to point the finger.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

There is alway an exception but in general, family just can't be neutral.

I know that if I went to my mom with any marital problems she would take my side immediately and if later I make up with my husband, she would forever hold a grudge against him. I just can't go to her.

I also know that my MIL view is the same. Her sons can do no wrong. Even though my FIL treats her like crap, same thing. Once I tried very gently to broach a subject with her regarding my daughter and FIL. My FIL would try and give my daughter advice during soccer games. It would totally stress her out. I thought talking my MIL about it first would help. Nope, she went right into defensive mode and they haven't been to a soccer game since.


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Hi, I don't think it's a very wise idea to go to your parents/ siblings/ for some advice regarding your family (husband/ kids). Like what the others said, they take it too personal to the point that they get involved when all you need is their object point of view. It would be rather wise to take your issues or concerns to your best friend/s who are better at maintaining a barrier.. On the other hand if you have something good to say about your husband or wife and kids, then share it to your family. - mae


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## InOverMyHeart (Apr 1, 2013)

Hey, I wonder about the same thing... My family got so involved during our separation it seems impossible to go back and let them know we are reconciling. I fear they will feel it's a slap in the face. 

Anyone have any good solid advice how to deal with this? Moving forward, I have learned a great lesson about getting people involved in our marriage.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I think it depends on you and the relationship you each have with your families.

For me after a rocky start with my wife’s family (they are Catholics I am Protestant) I developed a very good relationship especially with my wife’s grandmother (a real matriarch) and she had lots of helpful advice for us both. 

I do miss her now she has passed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Do not get family involved in your personal business with your spouse. The only thing my family needs to know about my wife is that she adores me and takes care of me. I hope that's the only thing her family knows about me. If counseling is needed, go to a professional who has some training, has no personal interest, and will keep your business discreet. My family can't be unbiased and couldn't give unbiased advise even if they were qualified to. Her family can't, either. Husbands and wives are going to have disagreements and drama. Most of it gets worked out. None of it can be really forgotten if you drag kin folks into it. If I am in such a state that I require the assistance of my kin, I'm asking them to show up in force and armed to the teeth. I don't need that sort of help to deal with my wife.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

technical help.....like babysitters, credit, a ride somewhere...... but emotional support no way. One, you would be pitting one family member against another and two, as I have learned the hard way, everybody has their own agenda.

I had to come to terms with the fact that my older sister is competitive and jealous of me. So whenever I have brought a partner issue to my sister, she has always sided with the guy ....whether or not she has a relationship with that guy. and these days, I make every effort to keep my sister away from my partners.


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