# Sad and still in love



## CaliVegas (May 21, 2018)

So, this November would be 10 years that we have been married. No kids.

Last year, he was diagnosed with kidney failure and has to undergo dialysis three times a week, and no longer works. He has always had some mood disorder (which he denies) but since being sick he has become just downright cruel! Just the other day, for no reason at all, I was laying in bed, just waking up and he starts fussing about leaving grease in a pan after cooking, then He escalated to calling me all type of drug addicts, to fussing about a cruise that I invited my family on in October ( I also was paying for his mom to go), to just downright hurtful ****. This continued for about 30 mins, as I got dresssed, did not say a word and left. 

So I go to work, come home to the same ****, so this time I pack my **** and leave. I work out of town and usually he goes with me but this time I left his ass because of his outburst, did not talk to him for 2 days and when I get home today it’s the same ****. 

So he does this on occasion and will come back and apologize and say he won’t do it again. I am just tired of the back and forth, everytime I feel that we are getting somewhere, he starts a crazy ass argument. (He does not see anything wrong with this) mental illness runs heavy in his immediate family. And he does not want to get help, he feels he is justified to have “bad days “ because he is sick. 

I just cannot deal with this anymore. I leave for a few weeks earlier this year and he begged me back. I just don’t know what to do because I truly am still in love with this psycho, like I still get butterflies and everything but I love myself too and I realized that this is not healthy. I, by no means am a perfect wife but I take care of him when he is sick, he’s been unemployed since last year (he gets disability) but I take care of our bills, and I encourage him to help his mom. And I just don’t feel that I deserve this kind of treatment.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He has no reason to change because you keep coming back to him and accepting his excuses. Don’t give ultimatums that you aren’t willing to keep.


----------



## CaliVegas (May 21, 2018)

Very true.

We’ve had very small separations over this very same thing for the most part and each time take him back way too soon. This last one, I took a job 2hrs away and didn’t talk to him for over a week, but by week number 3, he was traveling with me lol

One of my best friends brought to my attention that I am really an abused woman. I mean he will go on and on for hours and I will just put on headphones and ignore him and give no feedback. 

I guess really I know what I have to do, but we have had some really good times and when he is not being crazy, he is super lovey dovey, what’s to be around em all the time and we have so much fun. But the years are passing and this is just getting worst and I just cannot keep allowing anyone to treat me that way. 

Then not to mention, the whole illness thing. I used to feel
Somewhat guilty about thinking about leaving him while he is sick ..


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Have you thought of getting into therapy. The back and forth thing you two have been doing seems to have become your new normal. That is termed hoovering because of all the abusive cycling. 

My last X husband was like that. It took me a long time to recognize the terrible situation I was in. He had oral cancer. I left him after a year of it getting worse with no light at the end of the tunnel. We separated, but Didn't divorce until he was able to get a job and pay his own insurance. That was 3 years later. He has been cancer free for 11 years now, but his abusiveness has not changed. Abusive people don't really love you. They just make you think they do to keep torturing and then blaming you.

Hence the term "hoovering "....wash, rinse, repeat. 

Seek help so you can get out of that mess!


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

CaliVegas said:


> Very true.
> 
> We’ve had very small separations over this very same thing for the most part and each time take him back way too soon. This last one, I took a job 2hrs away and didn’t talk to him for over a week, but by week number 3, he was traveling with me lol
> 
> ...


So you are doing the same thing over and over all the time hoping for a different outcome.
This is not a healthy way to live.
In fact this isn’t a life it’s a prison sentence.
You know what you have to do and you don’t need anonymous internet users to tell you.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When people are really sick and in pain they often act badly, act out loudly, rudely.

When they are sick and in pain, it is catching.

You, catching hell from the sick one. You feeling their pain, their anguish. Their pain transferred to your ears and mind. 
.................................................................................................................................................

Spend some time in a Nursing Home. Listen to these patients. 
Many are ornery, depressed, and lash out over small things.

It is OK, it is proper to feel sorry for them.

It is {not} OK to be their sounding board, the receiver of verbal abuse.....or worse, their punching bag.

It is natural to feel guilty over leaving a sick partner. One in obvious pain.
Just do not do so without warning. Give them an option. Play nice, be reasonable or I am moving on.

Easy to say, hard to do...


----------



## CaliVegas (May 21, 2018)

Thank you all for your replies. I do know what I need to do but it doesn’t make it easier. 

And I spend MOST of my time in nursing homes lol 😂, as I am a nurse. ( I thought that was funny) and you’re absolutely right. And I have told him on numerous occasions that I am willing to stay and fight kidney disease with him, even offered to get tested to see if I’m a match ( and I would do that whether we are together or not ) but I CANNOT and WILL NOT be his punching bag. 

I have been working hard paying all our bills, allowing him to use some of his money to help his BI POLAR mom and SCHIZOPHRENIC Brother keep somewhere to live, manage his medical issues, and take care of him when he is sick. 

And I just don’t feel appreciated. I am at a point where I don’t want a divorce but I think that I am going to ask him to leave for awhile, stay with him mom in a house that he basically helps them pay for every month anyways 🙄and the only way we can work this out is if he gets counseling. We have been almost here before, about 5 years ago when we used to party and use Molly 😱. We would have so much fun that night, sex would be amazing but his comedown would be terrible and he would be so hurtful. I was threatening to leave so he quit.


----------



## Snow*Angel (Mar 3, 2018)

I really don’t have any answers for you since I’m in the same boat. Just want to let you know that you are not alone. My husband does not go on that long with the verbal assault, but he does say hurtful things and then apologizes and says he’s in a bad place with his health/pain right now, but it keeps continuing and I’m tired of being his punching bag. It’s always about him and his problems and I’m an after thought. It seems sometimes as he purposely tries to get me mad so I don’t talk to him because he wants to be left alone. I’ve told him so many times how I feel and nothing ever changes and it’s like my feelings don’t matter. I’m done putting in all the effort to fix things with our marriage but I feel bad leaving him when he is not feeling his best physically and mentally. After 25 years it’s really hard to leave, but I just feel the love is gone and nothings going to change. Guess we both know what we need to do... the writing is on the wall. Good luck to you!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't know how you women do it, or why. You know there are men out there who don't do this sort of thing right?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@CaliVegas Living with someone with mental health issues is hard.

You are heard, and we salute you.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@CaliVegas

It is possible that Miss Molly punched your husband kidneys out.

It is one of the side effects 'of the effect'. 

I.E., drinking too much water, or not enough. 

As you know, the liver and the kidneys flush out most of the toxins that are in our bodies, especially those that are in the blood.

Take too many toxins in, you overload the liver and kidneys, you then get kidney or fatty liver disease, or failures of both of these organs.


----------

