# I feel like I'm in a horrible movie....



## Riain (Jan 14, 2018)

So here is my story.....

My relationship with my wife started in 2004. I had just moved back home after my first marriage ended and was starting over. I had not filed for divorce. I lived in California my soon to be ex wife was in Maryland. Instead of doing the right thing and focusing on myself and trying to get through a divorce I ended up on yahoo personals and met my current/separated spouse.

I was her first boyfriend, her first kiss, her first time having sex etc. etc. We both had issues. She came from a mother and father who were alcoholics and had a horrible childhood growing up. I had a mother who resented me and treated me accordingly when I grew up. Needless to say we both had issues. 

Long story short, I wasn't getting what I needed, and instead of talking to her about it I cheated. She found out, we got back together, and then bam she was pregnant. We never really worked on the issues that caused me to cheat and things just kinda were put on the back burner. Barely 5 months after she gave birth to our first son we were pregnant again. Our relationship suffered because we never really worked out things or got help. It was a kind of back and forth. She would get angry at me and be suspicious of me and I would get angry back at her. 

Neither of us really helped the situation. Eventually it just got to a point that it was quiet. I lost my job and decided to go back to school. I wanted to be a lawyer. So that is what I did. I did 2 years of community college then transferred to a CSU. She had an associates degree so she transferred to the same CSU so we both could get our bachelors. Life seemed good. Then someone waltzed into my life from the past, and I cheated and got caught.

I knew that she'd divorce me, or at least that is what I said to myself. I came back home, we had an epic fight, I had a panic attack, checked myself into a hospital. And over the course of the next few weeks we came to an agreement that we'd live together but never share a bed. We'd work around our schedules to get our schooling done. We'd still do things as a family. We agreed each other could date but set very strict ground rules to govern the behavior. And that was that. 

That was almost five and a half years ago.

In that time I have dated off an on. I have also brought up reconciliation at least once or twice a year since. Each time I am rejected. Of the dating I have done I have never said anything unless it got to a serious point though she always says she "knows" when I'm dating. She has, over the course of the past five years, told me I shouldn't be dating, that I should be focusing on what was in front of me, which was law school. 

Right before Christmas I found out she finally started to date. I lost my damn mind. I realized that I do very much love my wife. I also realize the hypocrisy of me losing my damn mind. But I did. I violated her privacy and went through all of her things. I went through emails and iMessages on her computer hoping to find any information. Thankfully the guy she is dating doesn't have an iPhone but her co-worker who set her up does and I was able to read their messages. 

When I told my wife everything I was feeling and going through she said she was surprised, she thought I was over her. But I wasn't, I would just keep asking her to get back with me once or twice a year if I was over her. 

Now I feel like I'm living in limbo. I'm getting into a community mental health clinic that offers low cost counseling at the end of this month. But I already know what the therapist is going to say, that either we need to move on together or move on in actual separation.

I just feel like we aren't being honest with each other. She told me it isn't serious and it's just casual dating. That its the first guy ever and it may not go anywhere. She is reassuring me but I don't know why. 

My wife and I live in complacency. She would be happy to just live like this until our sons are 18, she said as much this summer when we took a family trip for my sisters graduation. 

I've learned a lot of things from this experience. I was not over my marriage and I dated other people as an escape and a distraction. I feel that the situation we are in is one that is easy but in order to really move on we need to actually live in separate homes. 

I love my wife. I don't want to lose her but at the same time I can't live like this. I don't know how she managed to do it for 5 and a half years. I don't know why she never beat me when I'd come home late after being out with someone. 

Am I crazy to think she still loves me? I'm tired of getting my hopes up thinking we can work it out. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Riain said:


> So here is my story.....
> 
> My relationship with my wife started in 2004. I had just moved back home after my first marriage ended and was starting over. I had not filed for divorce. I lived in California my soon to be ex wife was in Maryland. Instead of doing the right thing and focusing on myself and trying to get through a divorce I ended up on yahoo personals and met my current/separated spouse.
> 
> ...


I can't really overstate how much of a sleazeball you are. Whether you can get your wife back all depends on your capacity to change. Whether you can destroy the self-serving jerk residing within, and become a loyal man of integrity. 

You don't deserve her, but whether she's willing to forgive you is her decision. If she does forgive you, you better make darn sure that you never do anything to hurt her ever again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Once you destroy trust it's hard to get back. By definition you are a serial cheater.

If I was her I'd move on fast.

Sorry but you don't necessarily get a second chance.

In any rate all you can do now is cut out the dating and fix your issues. If not for your current wife the rest of your life.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Well......ummmmmm........Yeah I'd say it's time to move on. First off, you appear to be serial cheater, so I would imagine that you aren't marriage material. Living the way you are living would be a nightmare for me. I would be gone ASAP. It's telling that it only really stated to bother you when she started dating. 

My advice would be to get your own place, move out and get a divorce. Then you can sleep around as much as you like and your wife can find someone who can be a better husband if she so chooses. At this point she assumes you aren't going to be faithful (which is probably correct) and you are just the guy at home that helps with the kids and all the life BS that people need to take care of. She finds her romance and sex outside the house. This is exactly what you were doing before she stated dating, so what's your complaint?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You feel le your in a horrible movie

Imagine how she feels!


Them put yourself in her shoes.

Would you take you back? How do you know you won't cheat again?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Yes you are in a movie series that you directed,produced and starred in.
Now you are just the supporting actor.
There will soon be a new leading male.
Karma is a *****.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

You are probably looking for advice, but you will find honesty. And honestly I understand why your wife refuses to reconcile. You are a terrible husband. You have cheated on her twice. You do not love her. You just don’t want to lose the comfortable arrangement you have. My advice: let her live her life. You lost your right to demand loyalty from your wife when you threw yours away like thrash.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're not marriage material, to put it bluntly.
Get out of the limbo hell you live in and divorce.

You'll just continue to tear each other down by staying married and cheating on each other.

Divorce, live alone for a while, heal. Do things right this time around. Your need for intimacy seems to define you.

You don't mention your children much. I hope you intend to be a good father and co-parent amicably. Your children depend on you both being good exemplars or they have a very high chance of repeating your mistakes in their lifetime.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

It is like you are in a horrible movie, but you're the bad guy in the movie. If you really love this woman, leave her. She'll be better off. If, after many years of soul searching and challenging yourself, you can become a better person, look her up again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently she's not interested in R with a serial cheater. You can continue to live as roommates but she doesn't want to be your wife. Move on.


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