# Question for husbands



## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Hi All,
Been married17 yrs. I love my husband with all my heart. My question is When I hear songs we used to make out to , I love it I wanna create that moment with him. Problem is it's always not convenient . Or he is like what's with you ( when I am playing the music at a relaxing time) what do I do. If I was your wife what would you like her to do? If I am not making sense,,,sorry I just got my feelings hurt.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I would want my wife to tell me exactly what you just said here. In the exact order. Start with the "what you want", end with the "how you felt". Would love if it my wife told me how much she missed making out with me and creating those moments...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lillie,

Did you tell your husband this?


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Yes,
I told him afterwards, but the before (for me ) was spontaneous .
He just said oh ok when I excplained my reason for being disappointed . He just gave me a hug . Said sorry. That was that. I went on to tell him the reasonining behind the song Nd things... He just said well he didn't"t know. I should"ve of played......such such an d did this and did that and he would've got the hint. But he did say he appreciated my idea. 

Should I feel hurt or just I don't know...it's not his fault or mine....help please


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Lillie said:


> Hi All,
> Been married17 yrs. I love my husband with all my heart. My question is When I hear songs we used to make out to , I love it I wanna create that moment with him. Problem is it's always not convenient . Or he is like what's with you ( when I am playing the music at a relaxing time) what do I do. If I was your wife what would you like her to do? If I am not making sense,,,sorry I just got my feelings hurt.


For you, the music is forever connected to 'whatever episode you really cherish'.

For HIM, it might not be that key. He doesn't remember that that Whitesnake song was part of the Chevy make out scene. It's just another Whitesnake song to him. For him, it might be 'I like making out in Chevy's' or 'the night you had your hair up like Cindy Lauper'.

I would suggest you have a conversation geared to 'do you remember when we made out at Pat's? What do you really remember about that?' Projecting YOUR 'romantic' triggers on him is not exactly fair.

Find out what he sees as romantic and go from there.

That being said, I think you are engaging in a bit of nostalgia (pain for things lost). When you made out in that Chevy, listening to Whitesnake, with your hair up in Cindy Lauper locks, you were a more innocent person and it was a newer experience. You want that 'first kiss feeling' back again.

Which, I am sorry to say, is unlikely. Instead, I would focus on NEW romantic times. It will never be 'first kiss teen crush' stuff...but it can be good none the less.

You need to get a crib sheet of signals down between you. Yes, it sound mechanical, but if stockings are a romantic trigger for him, the simple act of putting on a pair of stockings with a significant look will probably charge him up all day. And he will know that X song really turns your crank...so when he suddenly pulls out a bottle of white wine while he puts on THAT song will have more, not less impact. His intentions are perfectly clear...


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

I' a girl , i get romantic, and I understand guys dont' always feel the same. For some reason tonight I gave my all. Songs really hold a place in my heart just like the lover I've known all my life.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Is it wrong to just want that feeliing of wanting


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lillie said:


> Yes,
> I told him afterwards, but the before (for me ) was spontaneous .
> He just said oh ok when I excplained my reason for being disappointed . He just gave me a hug . Said sorry. That was that. I went on to tell him the reasonining behind the song Nd things... He just said well he didn't"t know. I should"ve of played......such such an d did this and did that and he would've got the hint. But he did say he appreciated my idea.
> 
> Should I feel hurt or just I don't know...it's not his fault or mine....help please


Your emotions are what they are. There is no right or wrong.

The emotion (hurt) is a flag/warning that lets you know that something is not right. So now what you do is decide what action to take based on the emotion. You talked to your husband and explained that you are hurt, what you were trying to and so forth. Now he knows what you have in mind.

So try it again some time soon. This time when you start it be sure to tell him what you are doing.. "Remember this song? Do you remember when we made out to it at the part... hearing it makes me want to make out with you again... basically tell him what you are thinking and seduce him into a makeout session.

Now that he knows what's on your mind, if you take the approach of telling him what you are doing with the music, etc, then hopefully he will respond the way you would like him to respond.

I'd say give it one more try... 

If after that he does not respond well, then you have a bigger problem..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lillie said:


> Is it wrong to just want that feeliing of wanting


No it's not wrong. This is what we call "emotional intimacy". You should be able to explain specifics like this to your husband and expect that he will join you in this from of play and intimacy.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

I "want" my husband in that loving emotionally way. Tonight was my first attempt. We have a loving marriage, I just need the desire feeling again. I don't know how to talk about this to him, because he says things like don't plan things let it happen, our love is still real and spontaneous . He feels that way but I don't I do what I need and get rejected...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lillie said:


> I "want" my husband in that loving emotionally way. Tonight was my first attempt. We have a loving marriage, I just need the desire feeling again. I don't know how to talk about this to him, because he says things like don't plan things let it happen, our love is still real and spontaneous . He feels that way but I don't I do what I need and get rejected...


People seem to think that planning/scheduling time for intimacy (emotional, physical, etc) is a bad idea as it should all be spontaneous.

Yet, when is usually the most romantic part of a relationship??? It's the time when we are dating. And yet when we date most of the time we spent together is planned/scheduled. 

If couples do not plan time together, they miss out on a lot of very good time together. When we depend only and spontaneity we get a lot less time together and a lot less romance.

Plan a hot make out date.. or a fun date followed with making out. Set a rule that there is no sex for that evening, everything but sex. The next night the sex will be really hot.

If you don't know how to talk to him about this.. get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". I suggest that you read it first and think things through. Then get him to read it with you and work through the things the book says to do.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

No there is never a timed moment. I just feel That I need that emotional connection sometimes. I did that tonight, which I wouldn't say failed but didn't go as planned


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Can guys get this type of emotional felling when they hear a song.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

I want and need that feeling again . How can I tell him after I did already and tried is there something ai am missing. Why Am I up at 4 am and he is snoring away . Why is this so hard when u get older.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Why don't you spend an evening listening to Pandora music on your TV (mine is hooked up thru my Blue-ray to the TV and thru our stereo receiver speakers) when you both are relaxed and have the time? I have several channels set up on mine with old music from the 70's. It is great to hear songs that take us back to those old memories of making out in the car and the awesome friday night football games...and everything that happened afterward. 

Have a glass of wine, and enjoy some kissing while the music plays...light some candles....see where it goes. No pressure. Just relax and let it build. You might feel like frisky teenagers again as the memories come back with the old songs. I like it if my wife also wears her old perfume from that time period too. Just my two cents.


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

Lillie said:


> No there is never a timed moment. I just feel That I need that emotional connection sometimes. I did that tonight, which I wouldn't say failed but didn't go as planned


Sometimes guys are clueless. Sometimes things don't go as planned. That doesn't mean its not worth trying again (but be ready to "clarify what's going on" in case he doesn't get the hint).

Sentimental attachment to past romance is a good way of re-enforcing present-day bonds. A little while ago I included our wedding song in our dinner music mix. When it came on, I asked her to dance (unplanned). This went over very well, it took a while to get back to desert...
This doesn't mean that either my wife or myself won't be clueless to a similar trigger in the future.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lillie said:


> Can guys get this type of emotional felling when they hear a song.


For me, seldom to never. Emotional intimacy is an ongoing process triggered by mutually loving actions. I don't associate music with it whatsoever.

You had an expectation that your husband would have the same triggers and associations, and he does not. You set yourself up for disappointment because you did not realize this. His associations may be entirely different, but he is NOT indifferent to you or what you want - he just has to be told clearly that this is what you are seeking in that moment. I think he'll respond, but may never develop the associations that work for you when it comes to music, for instance.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Thank you guys so much for your advice. I think I will put the tv on iheartradio and we can create a station together with what we both like. Getting him involved with helping with creating a list may work better than trying to force the situation.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Interesting. I am not aware of any songs that remind my wife of us. I am, however, aware of songs that remind her of her first love. 

Sorry just triggering.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

RClawson said:


> Interesting. I am not aware of any songs that remind my wife of us. I am, however, aware of songs that remind her of her first love.
> 
> Sorry just triggering.


Ouch. Come to think of it, we do not have any songs either.


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## Don-Juan (Sep 1, 2013)

Lillie said:


> Can guys get this type of emotional felling when they hear a song.


uummmm.......YES.....(male here!) This sounds like ME! I do this with my wife all the time and guess what? She doesn't get it at all! I have many mix playlists, with songs that have great historical value for us as a couple.......and nothing from her, she doesnt "get it", she has never apologized for this shortcoming (and I wouldn't expect her to!), but has said she wishes she could "hear" music like I do. But I still love her very much!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Lillie said:


> Can guys get this type of emotional felling when they hear a song.


I think some people are more "tuned in" to music. Some are not. I was a drummer in Jr High and High School. I always listened to music. When I went out on dates in High School, we always made out in the car with the radio on. Everyone I knew had their favorite songs. My girlfriends certainly did....and the late 70's had some great music if I may say so. :smthumbup:

Now when I hear these old songs, my mind instantly transports me back to those old days and the wonderful memories. I can do the same thing with smell. When I smell a lady wearing a perfume that a girlfriend wore in High School, I instantly recall that girlfriend, and remember what we were doing at the time. That is just the way my mind is wired. 

I know many other men who are not this way. Luckily, my wife is the same as me, so we both appreciate this kind of reminiscing with music from the past.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I Notice The Details said:


> I think some people are more "tuned in" to music. Some are not. I was a drummer in Jr High and High School. I always listened to music. When I went out on dates in High School, we always made out in the car with the radio on. Everyone I knew had their favorite songs. My girlfriends certainly did....and the late 70's had some great music if I may say so. :smthumbup:
> 
> Now when I hear these old songs, my mind instantly transports me back to those old days and the wonderful memories. I can do the same thing with smell. When I smell a lady wearing a perfume that a girlfriend wore in High School, I instantly recall that girlfriend, and remember what we were doing at the time. That is just the way my mind is wired.
> 
> I know many other men who are not this way. Luckily, my wife is the same as me, so we both appreciate this kind of reminiscing with music from the past.



Same way. I know several 80's songs that take me back to certain moments or times. Remind me of certain people. Not always in a good way....several remind me of my x wife and have to turn those songs off. But good songs that remind me of good people I always makes me smile and reminisce If even for a moment.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

We have songs that reminder us of our early years. When they come on we usually just give each other a knowing nod, or something. No jumping of bones, but an acknowledgement of that was then and we're still together.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Lillie;

don't change!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lillie said:


> I want and need that feeling again . How can I tell him after I did already and tried is there something ai am missing. Why Am I up at 4 am and he is snoring away . Why is this so hard when u get older.


I'm not trying to minimize your feelings, so please don't take this the wrong way...

But he's already apologized. Why are you making such a huge deal out of this?

Do you do this often? Make emotional mountains out of molehills?

Part of a good marriage is learning and forgiveness. God knows, I'm an idiot and need do-overs practically daily.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Lillie said:


> Can guys get this type of emotional felling when they hear a song.


Absolutely. 

But it's not always the exact same song for any two people. _The Hungry Years_ by Rita Coolidge has that effect on me. My wife thinks it's a sad song that makes her want to bust out crying.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Lillie,

I feel like women have yearnings for men to connect with them emotionally that aren't quite as easy for men to understand. Women sometimes want men to have some ESP to see into their emotions, then fulfill that need they feel. (does that make sense?)

In the early stages, men are constantly looking, looking, for that moment they can impress a girl. Most of the efforts miss the mark, but a few hit home, creating a lasting impression on the woman.

They also, however, sometimes create a lasting expectation. "He knew what to do then, why doesn't he now?" They don't realize it was partly luck. Likewise, men are guilty of winning the prize, then sticking it on the shelf to admire, assuming it is safe and snug for life. Mission Accomplished, onward!

In short, reading moods is tough to do unless you are on your toes 'round the clock. No one can keep that up. Telling your husband those kinds of stories about your hopes and fancies is great, though. He'll appreciate it and be reminded of that sweet girl he used to always try to impress. That was fun, maybe I can still pull it off.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Lillie said:


> If I was your wife what would you like her to do?
> 
> 
> > Me, I would want her to look around, and when nobody was looking, either grab my butt, or flash her boobs, or something naughty like that! But that is just me.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

When a woman is full of life and is excited about something, shows she wants to share with her husband or lover:

Don't quench her spirit! Get excited and connect with her no matter if you don't quite get it. It's a gift!


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

of course there could be a million pieces to the puzzle that we dont know, but in theory you should either just "do it" or tell him what you want to do.

When it comes to imagination and or sexual/intimacy actions, my brain is 100X dirtier than my wife knows. If she suggested anything intimate, I'd likely be up for it. If she wanted me to carry her or make out with her or anything, I would at the very least love to hear her ask for it or just try it. Any initiative is often well recieved, unless your H has a history of being very distant physically. <-- seperate issue.


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