# Damaged Self-Esteem or...?



## Jimminy (Feb 13, 2014)

This is my first time posting, so I'll give a bit of back story.

All my life, I'd been raised by parents who both loved me as well as told me that I was large and that no one was going to love me unless I lost weight etc. I was also told I was difficult to live with, selfish and a sociopath. I believe that this was my mother at the end of her rope with a strong-willed child attempting to tame her back into her control. I think what it did instead, is damaged my ability to love myself and now it's damaging my relationship.

I'm twenty five currently, I did not have my first relationship until I was twenty three. I've had crushes, but often it's been embarrassing and terrifying for me to mention them, because most guys don't consider someone who's larger than them attractive, and I haven't generally been fond of the men my size. I've gone through a few friend-to-almost-relationship type things before, all of which ended in horrible, horrible fights and broke a lot of the romantic ideals I have in relationships.

Therefore, when I finally started dating my current boyfriend, after we'd been friends for two and a half years, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I'll be great. Before we started dating, I had a ferocious sexual appetite. I was masturbating generally at least a few times a day. That transferred into our relationship for the first little while. We had both been virgins before we started dating, so I was happy to explore my sexuality and finally be able to see what this whole 'sex' thing was about. Unfortunately, my man didn't really feel the same way. He was twenty when we first started dating and had a hell of a porn addiction. To this day, I cannot get him off with my hands or my mouth, because he just likes the way that he does it better. This is the same way with me. He cannot get me off with his hands or orally because it's just uncomfortable to me.

He said a few things in the beginning of our relationship that I feel poisoned it. He made comments about my body, and how he loves my tits, but how he doesn't want to deal with anything between them and my vagina. In the beginning, he was able to push our sex-life to half an hour or more per session, and then a few rounds added to that, but over the course of our relationship, it crumbled to five minute premature ejaculations that did nothing for me. I told him that and he's tried 'really' hard to get things back to where they were, but it doesn't stop this dislike of sex that seems to have come over me.

It's not even that I don't enjoy the idea of sex. I do, I fantasize about how I'd like to have sex with him, and when I masturbate, it's always him. I'm not thinking of anyone else, or watching porn, or doing anything. I just feel like I want to have sex with him until it's almost happening and then I don't want him to even touch me anymore. It's incredibly frustrating for us both because he's trying so hard to be understanding and he's not pushing.

This entire mentality has pushed its way into our regular life too. I don't want him to touch me anymore. I shy away from him and I don't believe him when he says nice things to me, because I feel like he's only saying them after I've asked him to or after I've already gotten mad at him. I feel like I have all these unreal expectations and absolutely no idea how to abolish them, or even what I'm doing wrong.

I don't feel that it's unreasonable to want to feel pretty, or to be told that I'm pretty sincerely. I don't feel that it's unreasonable to expect him to buy me roses on special occasions or at least 'attempt' to be a little bit romantic, and I don't feel that it's unreasonable for him to turn our sexual encounters into something passionate instead of just pushing me back onto the bed. Yet, I feel that I being a hopeless romantic who will never be able to have a regular relationship.

I'm really confused and I was hoping that someone might have some insight.

Thanks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow you mention and touch on a lot of issues and I'm a little unclear about what's really bothering you.

Your self esteem. Your weight. First real boyfriend. His porn/masturbation affecting your sex life. His PE. His lack of attention to meeting your sexual needs. Your desire to feel loved by him by being complimented, with gifts, and with romance. His refusal to meet those needs. You wonder if your desires and expectations are reasonable (you bet they are sister friend! But are they reasonable with selfish porn/masturbater BF? Open to debate)

First, you are young, please take steps to get in shape. Not talking about model skinny, not even talking about recommended weight for your height. I mean becoming physically active and challenging your body to exert itself each day. I'm talking eating healthy not dieting.

I have a daughter with weight issues, she used to complain and cry frequently about her weight. I finally said to her, you have two choices and only two. Learn to love yourself for who you are, or lose weight. That's it, two choices. They both take a lot of effort. But right now you are putting your effort into complaining and reinforcing how badly you feel. Don't like it, change it! Can't change it, learn to like it!

So your BF has some sexual problems relating to porn and now he's developing PE. He must stop masturbating! Don't know what triggers PE but when a male frequently masturbates in secret, he is essentially training his penis to ONLY respond to his touch and to respond quickly so he doesn't get busted for wanking. If he wants a real live sex life, EVER, he will have to give up porn/masturbation to resensitize his brain and penis to real life situations.

Your expectations for feeling loved are realistic. The question is, are they realistic for this guy? It doesn't sound like. The porn/masturbater isn't usually a good candidate for wine and roses. 

Don't know if you're living together, if not, sounds like it's time to move on because this guy seems to be one heck of a project with all his interpersonal issues.


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