# 2 years after Infidelity



## JTShelp (Dec 28, 2010)

Well I am turning to the internet for advise.....

Here is some back ground.

My wife had an affair about 2.5 years ago. It was more sexting then anything else but there was some contact. She lied a lot about what really happened and took weeks to really tell me the truth (or what I think is the complete truth). Our marriage was bad before the affair and this really made us look at everything. We went to counseling and worked thru a lot of the problems. We moved on (maybe) and our relationship became stronger and stronger everyday. We bought a house and had our first child 4 months ago. We talk more then ever, go on dates and everything that was bad in our marriage before the affair has changed for the better.

Now my issue:

1st issue - I am still haunted by this affair. I think about it almost everyday. I have bad dreams about it. As I said earlier it took weeks for her to be complete honest with me and I still worry I don't know everything. The way I got past this was telling myself "what does it matter , I know enough and neither of us can go back and change it" but it is still there like a huge pink elephant sitting in the room every where we go. 

2nd issue - I am sure this stems from the 1st issue. Our sex life is stale. We have sex but I feel we are both uncomfortable. It is very vanilla and lacks openness. I guess that elephant in the room watching doesn't help. It is hard to talk about this with her because I know it will lead to talking about the affair again.

So does this ever go away.... Is this normal.....Am I ever going to stop thinking about this. From what I see from her it is like nothing is wrong and that is somewhat true. Relationship wise it has been unbelievable the last two years. We spend time together and we actually enjoy it. We are open about everything else and are enjoy being parents. This stuff just seems to be sitting out there....

I guess I rambled thru this but I think you can understand what I am going thru....

Thanks in advance for any info.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi JTShelp, I too have the same feelings. I am 10 months from DD #1, and 4 months from DD #3 or #4 (who's counting anymore!). No matter what I tell myself or how good things are between us, I still have those thoughts every day! The busier I stay, the less I obsess. I'm taking SAM-E (a natural Prozac type thing) to help. I would love to find a therapist that specializes in healing from this and spend a weekend w/ my wife to get as much out as possible and have a professional pull it all together. I'm hoping that may help.


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## JTShelp (Dec 28, 2010)

Sorry, What does DD stand for?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

DD = D day ., it means it is the day he confronted his wife about the affair. 

Buy yourself the book "surviving an affair " by Harley, you and your wife should read this.

Go to the affaircare site and read the articles there.

Articles

and the Marriage Builders Site

Articles


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## JTShelp (Dec 28, 2010)

I feel like I have heard it all from counselling and websites. 

I use the stop method most of the times when crazy thought pop in my head - I imagine a stop sign. I stop that particular thought and try to move on the something the isn't in the past and is more relevant the moment. I survive the moment but I know it will be back.


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## Ryley01 (Jan 2, 2009)

JTShelp..I am so where you are!!!! I can't stop thinking about what my husband did either....!!! It is literally impossible to get those texts out of my head. I feel devastated. I guess the best thing is in some cases is to move on...unfortunately...I think as long as I am here, I am going to be forver reminded..and he gets mad when I ask questions so nothing will be resolved...you have to weigh your options and do what is right for you. If it's going to keep hurting you and destroy every day for you...maybe it is time to start out on your own??? I wish you luck with everything, and wish you the best, as I know where you are coming from.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I am 14 months post DD and you're right - I do think about it everyday. I am not letting it ruin my day or my marriage but dang if I don't think about it!

It sounds like your marriage is going great and congrats on your new addition! I would focus on your marriage and keep the lines of communication open. (which is sounds like you are for the most part) The sex part - talk about it. Just say you'd like to add some spice, etc. It doesn't have to have anything to do with the affair! Let it be about you two and growing closer as couple. Continue spending time together and enjoying it!!

If this helps, while I may be reminded of the A, I am quite focused on not bringing that up to my H. Every once in a while when/if it does come up (not throwing in his face) I have been told this: the ONLY time he thinks about A is when *I* bring it up! Otherwise it never crosses his mind. And I believe that. I mean, he screwed up and hurt me so why think about it? So, I try to think of that at times, when I am having these thoughts I take some solace knowing it's only me - the A is only in my mind. So, I need to let it go! Otherwise I am letting it control me and my marriage - by my own doing. 

Secondly, I have to be thankful that we got a second chance. Our marriage was in a bad place back then. It's wondeful now - happier than I have been, maybe ever! So, am I going to destroy this happiness because I can't let it go! Whose to say that I would ever find this happiness again? I may find a man who has never made a mistake and cheated on me, but what if he also doesn't make me as happy as I am now? And I LOVE my family! Is it fair to me or my children because I can't let it go!??!!

Yes, he hurt be SO much but I wasn't the perfect wife either - far from it. So, at the end of the day - I have to count my blessings and ignore the elephant in the room. 

Also, while this forum is fantastic - I find if I don't come here - I too can forget about things easier. When I read about every elses pain, it saddens me and brings all my hurt back.


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## schmuck (Oct 9, 2010)

I too think about the affair from time to time. Been 3 months, it is less and less every day. The hardest part is when in the middle of sex you think about the other person. My wife has totally moved on. She says once your done your done. I am the one who is more sensitive to the issues. Triggers happen and you go back to square one. Totally sucks. Enjoy the family and keep going in a positive direction. As for the sex life. Open communication is the key. Tell her what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

schmuck said:


> I too think about the affair from time to time. Been 3 months, it is less and less every day. The hardest part is when in the middle of sex you think about the other person. *My wife has totally moved on. She says once your done your done.* I am the one who is more sensitive to the issues. Triggers happen and you go back to square one. Totally sucks. Enjoy the family and keep going in a positive direction. As for the sex life. Open communication is the key. Tell her what you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


EXACTLY what my H told me. He never thinks about it, it's done/over/forgotten.


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