# Leaver or Left, HOW WOULD YOU PREPARE FOR DIVORCE?



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Here is my list I'm doing in no particular order. What else can possibly be done to prepare? I'm thinking early spring of 16 to leave.

1) Extensive MC
2) Extensive IC
3) Being completely out of debt with two separate residences and two new cars paid in full by departure date.
4) Maintaining a low stress job if you have one.(ie Don't take on any advancement if you can help it)
5) Read all you can on TAM
6) Quit drinking or keep it to a minimum to stay clear headed.
7) Workout as much as possible and be in great shape come departure date.
8) Do not talk to anyone of the opposite sex in any personal way to stay clear headed during period leading up to departure.
9) Spend as much quality time with your kids knowing time will be reduced at some point due to logistics/agreement.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

3) Is nice but not necessary.

Add: 
Talk to a lawyer. Get all of your ducks in a row, legally speaking.
Cultivate new male friendships (or female friendships if you're a woman), and increase contact with your current male friends.
Start or re-start hobbies or interests.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Here is my list I'm doing in no particular order. What else can possibly be done to prepare? I'm thinking early spring of 16 to leave.
> 
> 1) Extensive MC
> 2) Extensive IC
> ...


Confide in a close friend/relative as you will need the help/emotional support of someone to keep you on the course


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get copies of all financial, legal and personal paperwork: Taxes going back 7 years, bank statements, all bills, all loan papers, birth certificates, social security cards for yourself and kids (at least copies for the kids. Store all this in a safe place.

Slowly remove all of your personal valuables from the house. Just tell your spouse that you are getting rid of stuff that you do not need. I'm not suggesting lying on the divorce. You can still list them as personal property. Just don't leave them where your angry spouse can sell them for money, destroy them or otherwise use them to get back at you.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes, I'm confiding in numerous friends/family members so they all know the path I'm on so that was a biggie to leave off the list fo sho.

I get the legal advice and archiving all the relevant financial data.

This one is tricky, my wife and I are doing things to try and just be friends. By this I mean a few new hobbies we can do together. We have never had any mutual hobbies. While I DO NOT think this would produce a romantic spark, I think it helps mend fences between us.

Another item I want to add is I need to really concentrate on the things in the marriage she does that I don't know how to do or never bothered to do. This way I have the least amount of co-dependency as possible. Things like using the washing machine or changing air filters. Anything I need to get acclimated to so that its less stressful and Im not trying to learn it on the fly. DUDE


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Another item I want to add is I need to really concentrate on the things in the marriage she does that I don't know how to do or never bothered to do. This way I have the least amount of co-dependency as possible. Things like using the washing machine or changing air filters. Anything I need to get acclimated to so that its less stressful and Im not trying to learn it on the fly. DUDE


Please figure this out!

Although this is unrelated to divorce prep, my mother was involved in a near fatal car accident years ago that required her hospitalization for several months. And being in a very traditional marriage, my father had no idea how the mechanics of the household operated. Bless his heart he tried to help with the laundry and put his wool suits into the washing machine and then the drier.
I took him shopping the next day and made a point of showing him the care labels.

But really this is good advice. If you don't cook, learn. If you never serviced the car, learn. None of this stuff is rocket science, but the first time trying something new can be stressful, so its best to try before you are already stressed.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Any kids?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes, 2 at home, 1 grown on their own. Youngest is 12 and other will be driving next year!!!


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Interesting that they didn't make your checklist. 

I assume...
- You know the teachers well and they know you also.
- You know the schools office staff well and they know you also.
- You know the doctors well and they know you also.
- You know the other care providers well and they know you also.
- You know their friends well and they know you also.
- You know the the parents of their friends well and they know you also.
- They don't all know you because you're, "That guy."
- You know the children's unique medical histories and/or needs if applicable. 
- You make it to all parent/teacher conferences and open houses.
- You volunteer at the school, sports team, boy/girl scouts, etc, often. 
- You have documented, photos usually, time you've spent with those children that shows you as a key player, role model and care giver in their lives. Going to parks, amusement parks, go-karting, etc, with them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why would you do extensive MC if you're planning on leaving?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why would you do extensive MC if you're planning on leaving?


Why would you NOT?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Why would you NOT?


Because it's a waste of time and money if you have no intention of staying? What's the purpose of the MC?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Malpheous said:


> Interesting that they didn't make your checklist.
> 
> I assume...
> - You know the teachers well and they know you also.
> ...


Oh, yes, thank you for your input. I didn't include these details as well. I do have an awesome relationship with my kids and yes, I was definitely giving it my all in anticipation of this transition period. You did add to some of my thoughts on this subject so thank you! DUDE


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Because it's a waste of time and money if you have no intention of staying? What's the purpose of the MC?


Not really, how better to deep dive into the marital problems to bring to light more things you need to work on individually. Also, it allows for more forgiveness and understanding of the spouse. The cost is negligible. I pay 20% and insurance pays 80% for unlimited sessions. Its a no brainer.

DUDE


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> Another item I want to add is I need to really concentrate on the things in the marriage she does that I don't know how to do or never bothered to do. This way I have the least amount of co-dependency as possible. Things like using the washing machine or changing air filters. Anything I need to get acclimated to so that its less stressful and Im not trying to learn it on the fly. DUDE


This. A grown man who is utterly helpless is a major turn-off for many women. Figure out how to feed, clothe and care for yourself and maintain an operational household as an independent adult. It will help you out after you leave. And not being able to do it will be seen as a huge red flag by a large portion of the prospective dating pool once you're ready to start dating again. 

After our divorce, our then-13 year old son had to teach his father how to turn the oven on and how to use the washer and dryer. :slap:


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

RoMan that's why its high on the list ha!!! Thanks for responding


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm not familiar with your backstory, OP, but I do have a question. Why didn't you get MC and IC, work on yourself, try to establish joint hobbies, and learn enough about the household to make yourself a partner in keeping the home up _before_ deciding to leave your marriage? Being a partner in the housework, getting fit and happy with yourself, therapy, improving communication skills with your spouse and spending more time together doing fun things are all commonly and highly recommended strategies to employ in bettering a marriage. I would have thought trying these things out before you decided to leave would have made more sense?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

There is little if ANY romantic interest nor has there ever been. I'm basically in a twenty year rebound relationship from my first wife.(I know, DUMB) While I developed coping skills and we have triangulated thru the kids over the years, I've realized long term this was not healthy. So, to your point, hobbies are nice and we are TRYING DESPERATELY to do a few things together. My leaving is more in pursuit of a different healthy life involving romantic interest AND HOPEFULLY plenty of compatibility for which today there is almost none. I'm just trying to make it to the friends level right now. Make sense? DUDE


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> There is little if ANY romantic interest nor has there ever been. I'm basically in a twenty year rebound relationship from my first wife.(I know, DUMB) While I developed coping skills and we have triangulated thru the kids over the years, I've realized long term this was not healthy. So, to your point, hobbies are nice and we are TRYING DESPERATELY to do a few things together. My leaving is more in pursuit of a different healthy life involving romantic interest AND HOPEFULLY plenty of compatibility for which today there is almost none. I'm just trying to make it to the friends level right now. Make sense? DUDE


No, it doesn't make sense. Does your wife think you're in MC to try to save the marriage? Does she know you have no intention of doing that even though you're "TRYING DESPERATELY to do a few things together?"


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## FlaGirl (Nov 10, 2015)

May I add learn to clean toilets. lol I must add this as I actually had the conversation with my husband when we married,"Who cleans your toilets, because it looks like no one?" His Mother used to come over. When we got married he actually said," I don't do toilets or laundry." We laughed about that for years. 22 years later I still clean the damn toilets and do laundry. Looking forward to only cleaning my damn toilet! Also, if you don't have the laundry thing down, bes get on it and not all items go in the dryer!!! Shrink a woman's pants or shirt and she'll likely stab you in the eye with a soldering iron.
Here's a tip for those soon to be divorced men (keep cleaning wipes like the Lysol ones) near the toilet and when you miss, wipe the rim or floor. No woman likes to step in it! It's a quick way to clean up the toilet and sink when someone is coming over.
You're welcome!


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