# At the start of separation



## Cutman (Jan 29, 2014)

Hello users. This is my first post.

My wife and I have been together for over 8 years and we've been married for over 3 of those years. We've always had a happy and loving relationship. Many times we would comment on how much easier marriage was for us when it seemed to be so hard for everyone else we knew.

Over the years, my wife has battled depression. Depression is a disease and I've treated it as such. I'm not angry at her during her times of depression. I still love her very much and fully support her. She always says she doesn't understand how I can still love her and that she feels "unlovable" most of the time. I just tell her that I see her through her depression and it isn't an issue for me to love her through it.

Recently, my wife started having a depression episode right around and after Christmas. Christmas is a difficult time for my wife because she has to deal with her family and they make her feel inadequate and in particular her mother and her grandmother have health issues and she struggles with everybody putting on a happy face and pretending like there isn't something wrong.

Her depression this time took a different turn from the previous years. Normally, she tells me I am her "rock" and that I've always been there to support her. She wrote this in a journal that we both write in just last month. However, starting about a week ago she started pulling the plug on a lot of things we were currently working on. She first mentioned that she wanted to leave her job. A few days later she said she wanted to stop house hunting with me and shortly after she said she didn't want kids anymore. These things in and of themselves didn't upset me as much as you might think because I too was feeling stressed about house hunting and as for kids I really wanted them with her more than I wanted them at all. She started to pull away after that and then a few days later she told me that she wanted to separate.

This is the first time that she ever said this and like I said before we always had a happy and loving relationship. She started to air out why she was feeling dissatisfied and at first I chalked it up to the depression she was recently feeling. But the more I listened, I began to realize that she had some very good points on things I wasn't doing to support and show her my love as much as I could've. Now I don't think the depression is the main problem but I still think it was a contributing factor.

I'm sorry for the long post but I wanted to give as clear a picture as possible. I very much love my wife and I've been reading books on how to be a better husband as well as taking initiative to be more involved in things she's interested in and also trying to be a better listener. It seems that she is only slightly happy that I'm doing these things but she also sort of resents them because they were "too late". In addition to this, I'm pretty sure she is having an emotional affair. Or at least, she is moving towards one. I asked her if she was having feelings about another and she said, "maybe eventually". I didn't want to force the subject because I was hurt but the vagueness of that answer told me there was someone she had in mind. The last we talked, she told me emphatically that she didn't want a divorce but that she didn't see a way out of separation despite the steps I've taken to fix the marriage. She says she has to figure out some things about herself. She also mentioned that she wants to do marriage counseling eventually and I have no objections and am very much in favor.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice, mostly support. But any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Ask her if she is talking to or texting another man. Just like that. And wait for her reply, don't interrupt her. Something fishy is going on here.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

If you want to save yourself and your marriage, you need to start the 180, and right now. 

Here is what she has told you:
1. I dont love you
2. I dont care if I hurt you
3. I dont repect you or our marriage
4. You are my Plan B if it doesnt work out with OM
5. I am only thinking of myself and expect you to lay down like a doormat.

Here is what you need to do:
1. Start the 180 for yourself, and right now
2. Never let her see you get hurt or angry
3. Keep reading as many threads on TAM as possible
4. Separate your checking accounts immediately
5. See a divorce lawyer immediately. Start gathering and keeping all financial data at your office or elsewhere
6. Do not agree to leave your home for any reason
7. Respect yourself. You have value, she doesnt have any right to insinuate that you dont. 
8. Ignore EVERYTHING she says, even if it stuff you want to hear. Watch what she DOES.
9. Dont file yet but start putting up boundaries. Like the separate finances, dont so anything nice for her, dont let her dictate what happens or rewrite your marriage history. Do not engage with her. If she flips out just walk away. Tell her you love her but if she is interested in shifting blame and not working towards repair then those are HER choices and she can own them and you want no part of it.


Stay with us, keep posting. Think about what I said very carefully.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

http://ezinearticles.com/?After-the...3-Most-Common-Tactics-Cheaters-Use&id=6532239

And yes she is already blame shifting and trickle truthing you. Google gaslighting. What she is telling you is right out of the Cheaters Playbook. Google that too. Stop talking to her. 180 and No Contact (NC)

yes she is cheating on you. Don't accuse her at all. Collect evidence first. Voice activated recorder in her car. Phone and text logs, etc...

Do NOT confront without solid proof or they will lie and deny. 






.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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