# For the Newbies: The crazy things the cheating spouse does



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

There seems to be a lot of newly betrayed spouse's on here and so I wanted to write this for you. I have been in your shoes. I have felt the same fear and panic you are feeling. I am an "old pro" at being sh*t on. For nearly 15 years, I was cheated on, lied to and manipulated. There is a lot I have learned from my experience and from being on this website. There is a lot of crazy, unbelievable things your cheating spouse will do. That person you thought you knew...you don't know them anymore. Never underestimate what they will do to cover up an affair or to down-size one if the affair has already been exposed.
1.*They will lie to you*: I don't care if you've been married since the creation of dirt, your cheating spouse will look you in the eye and bold faced lie to you. And they won't think twice about telling you a lie either. In fact, lying becomes second nature to them. They lie so much and so often, they actually begin to believe themselves. This is part of justifying the affair to themselves. The lying serves two purposes. One, it keeps you at bay. Two, it helps to keep them from feeling any guilt because they feel what you don't know, can't hurt you. And as long as it remains hidden, there are no consequences to deal with.
2. *Excuses*: Oh, the excuses! They will have more excuses than you can shake a stick at. These excuses will never make any sense either but as a newly betrayed spouse, you will probably accept the excuses because you dont want to believe what is actually happening. This is when you need to put on your common sense hat and try looking from the outside in. Does his/her excuse of being late from work actually add up? Is it really necessary for them to text the same person nine gabillion times in one day all for work related stuff? And if you ask to read the texts, is there ever a sudden glitch in the phone that causes all those texts to just disappear? But those texts only. If you have already seen some inappropriate texts, your DS (Disloyal Spouse) will tell you things like "We were just kidding.", "It's just for fun and games, it meant nothing.", "I'm sorry, I was caught up in the moment and got carried away." (again, the lying) Yes, you will want to believe these things your DS tells you. There are 3 things in a text that can tell you if an affair is happening: lovey-dovey messages..."I love you, I miss you, I need you, I'm thinking about you." Graphic sexual messages and naked pictures. Think about yourself here and ask yourself if this is something you would do with a friend. Would you send lovey-dovey's to a friend? Would you send graphic sexual messages to a friend? Would you send naked pictures of yourself to a friend? No. Friends don't text friends pictures of their bits! Lovey-Dovey, Sexual talk and naked boobies spell out A-F-F-A-I-R.
3. *Blame Shifting*: This is where they make the affair your fault. That's not true. It is not your fault. Don't take that crap. Blame shifting here varies from whether of not the affair has been exposed or if it is still hidden. If the affair is still hidden, the DS will make the LS feel bad for even questioning anything. They will cause you to question yourself about everything you questioned them about. They will make you think that you are over reacting.They will say things like "If you really loved me, you would trust me." Now, you feel like you need to prove your love to them. Now they've put you on the spot to where you feel like you have to give them trust or else they won't believe you love them and you want them to know you do love them. If the affair has been exposed, the DS will blame shift with the "You should have's". You should have put out more. You should have been more understanding. You should have communicated better. You should have gave me more attention. If they can put the blame on you, they are justified. If you accept the blame, they are even more justified. Once you accept the blame, they will feed off of that. Don't ever take the blame for their affair. It is never your fault.
4. *The Just-A-Friend*: This line is classic. Just a friend is NEVER just a friend. The "just a friend" (JAF) is always minimized. #1, #2 and #3 all merge together when speaking about JAF. They lie to you about what their relationship with JAF really is. They make excuses when speaking to JAF and they blame shift on you in an attempt to get you to back off. They don't like the pressure. They often speak very ill of JAF to you. This is to throw you off of what is really going on. If you ever ask to be introduced to JAF, there is always an excuse as to why that's not possible. If you ask to read the text between your spouse and JAF, there is an excuse as to why you can't. Think about it, a person who has nothing to hide, will not only be happy to introduce you but they will hand over their phone for inspection without even blinking. Still be weary here. Don't let this move fool you completely though. Often a DS will have a pre-paid phone hidden to throw you off track. 
5.*JDLR*: Just doesn't look right. As a criminal justice major, we refer to the acronym JDRL which stands for Just doesn't look right. Often if something JDLR, it probably isn't right. If you are still in that suspicious stage, stop and think about things. What JDLR? Are they often coming home late from work? Are they now dressing nicer or more fussy about their appearance? Are they now leaving the room when they get a call? Is their cell phone now locked and kept on silent? Are email accounts that were open before suddenly locked? What is not making sense? Ask yourself these questions. Question everything from changes in their sleep pattern to changes in your sex life. 
6.*Guilt Trips*: The DS will lay these on thick. Let's say the affair has been exposed and you find out the OP is married. You threaten to tell the OP's spouse if they don't stop seeing them right away. They will say things to make you look like the bad guy. "If you tell their H/W, then you will only be destroying a family. I know our marriage is rocky already but do you really want to ruin another family?" or "If you tell the OP's spouse, they will hate you for ruining things. This is just better left in the dark." or "If you tell the OP's spouse, you will only be hurting the kids. Is that what you want? You want to hurt the kids?" Notice the use of the word 'you' and how it is used to lay blame. Don't take that crap. It's part of their game. They are quilting you into not saying anything.They want to keep their affair partner and they know if the other spouse finds out, the game will be over. Actually, you should not threaten to tell the OP's spouse. You should just do it. If you let your DS know beforehand you plan on telling the OP's spouse, you only give them a head's up. 
*False Remorse*: This is where after the DS has been caught and they say they are sorry but they refuse to do what you need. They won't go to MC or IC. They don't want to talk about anything or answer any of your questions. They close up like a clam. You watch them and you can't see anything that suggests they are still in the affair and they've guilted you into thinking that maybe you've been too hard on them (Psssh, too hard? They f*cked somebody else! You are not being too hard!) They are p*ssing and moaning like some 2 year old who didn't get his way. They will say things like "I said I was sorry. What more do you want!" They try to make you feel bad for wanting more. Don't feel bad for wanting the truth. When they do this, most likely the affair has gone underground. A true remorse happens when they become completely transparent about everything with you. No matter what question you ask, they will answer.
I hope this helps some of you newly betrayed's with what to expect and how to handle these things. I'm sorry you are in this most horrible situation. Feel free to ask me any questions about my own experience. (I am now divorced with no regrets)


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Great Post Apple. I agree on all of these.

They will also: 
Lie to their children
Tell you it is over when it is not.


----------



## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you for posting this ..... I especially like the False Remorse as it describes how my husband is behaving right now. He just wants to move on, and so do I but I also think if he could spend 7 months caring about another woman, having an EA, maybe just maybe he could spend a little time helping me heal by not minimizing his behavior and answering my questions. After all he did cause my pain and I wonder if I will ever look at him in the same light again. He has written two apology letters to me, called the OW in front of me to tell her he could never speak to her again, but to me they are just words, only time will tell I guess.


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Just as I was thinking about the remorse thing. Very well said. 
ANGER, what of their anger? It is hard to know for sure if the DS is angry they got caught or angry they are now in a world of S**t. Remebering that anger is often the presenting behavior for fear and other negative emotions. 
My .02 

I am going to plug this for newbies..... If you need a support group find a divorce care group if you cannot find anything else, it was the only thing I could find in my area and it has been helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Spot On Post Jellybeans.

I heard it all too:
"Hes just a friend!!" in an angry and impudent tone as if the mere suggestion of him being something else was "wrong" of me.

"I love you but am not in love with you", "We just changed into different people", " We want different things"

For men, whose wives are in the midst of a fling, the signals were sudden concern over appearance, new makeup, more makeup, more dangly jewelery, nicer dressing as opposed to the sweat suits I always got to see her in.

Mid-day disappearances to "shop" for four hours and coming home with half a small bag of junk from WalMart.

and OMG that freaking cell phone glued to her ear, taken to the bathroom, hidden, password protected, etc. etc. It was all blatant!

I think the worst part for me was the blameshifting/victim mentality she took upon herself. Suddenly her affair, exposed messages on her cellphone, hundreds of cell phone texts to the same man, were nothing, and "WE" were growing apart.
The level of mental twisting of the situation to absolve alllll personal responsibility. Even still, twenty five days away from divorce, and she insists that none of that was an affair, and regularly states "but you wont BELIEVE ME!!!"".... again, my fault eh?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Spot On Post Jellybeans.


That was Apple's post not mine! LOL 

Great post, Apple. And hi! I hope you are well! ::waves::


----------



## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks for posting this. The False Remorse is so RIGHT on. Wow....is all I can say at the moment.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I think the worst part for me was the blameshifting/victim mentality she took upon herself. Suddenly her affair, exposed messages on her cellphone, hundreds of cell phone texts to the same man, were nothing, and "WE" were growing apart.
> The level of mental twisting of the situation to absolve alllll personal responsibility. Even still, twenty five days away from divorce, and she insists that none of that was an affair, and regularly states "but you wont BELIEVE ME!!!"".... again, my fault eh?


This is indeed the hardest bit. I regularly get emails about appalling my behavior when she told me she was in love with someone else.
How my behavior was even worse when she chose to leave the house to make her EA a PA.
Worse still when I told her to fcuk off out of my life when it continued.
The worst sin was when I told her I would not be a friend to her. This was almost impossible for her accept. 
All my fault.. Always will be I think..


----------



## mfjb (Aug 2, 2011)

AppleDucklings thank you for this!!!

Reading this is like looking at my relationship for the last couple of months.

There were some things in this that have opened my eyes and now I will re-evaluate.

Again thank you very much!


----------



## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

appleduckling..your threads reminds me of my husband, and now we are 7 months separated..it's just like "you described him",..he is a totally serial cheater..he cheated not once but 7 times, how lucky i am right?hahaha.the pain is still here, but i need to continue my life for me and most specially to my daughter!i know, someday he will realized that he's not my lost, i tried to be a perfect wife for him...but he choose to cheat and cheat instead of taking good care of his own family!


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Don't forget gaslighting.

They'll lie to you. Then you tell them they are lying, and they'll tell you how crazy you are to even consider that they are lying to you.

My WS tried to convince me to go check into a hospital.

It makes me shudder...


----------



## slainte (Feb 9, 2013)

I am new to this site AppleDucklings but your post unfortunately describes my husband to a tee. 
He started dressing better about three months ago.That is the same time his phone was put to silent. 
I went to the store to look for a VAR today but no luck. From your post, I probably don't even need one. Your post could have been about my husband.


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Saki said:


> Don't forget gaslighting.
> 
> They'll lie to you. Then you tell them they are lying, and they'll tell you how crazy you are to even consider that they are lying to you.
> 
> ...


They even lie to you when you hold solid evidence up to their faces!
I suppose it's easier for them to stonewall with lies than to accept that they're in the wrong.


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Let's all remember and sing along with that golden oldie from Biz Markie:


Biz Markie - Just A Friend (Official Video) - YouTube


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Well Apple you hit so many nails on the head there. Can I suggest that the post you made is pinned for new members to read on entry because it makes absolute sense and is brief, clear and accurate.

Well done ........................


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I have never seen my husband express so much anger toward me.......and I was not the guilty party. I have never seen anyone switch from "happy" to "enraged" in a flash of a second for absolutely no reason. 

I could almost see the gears in his brain working.....the index file flipping for the next excuse that would be more believable to make me drop the subject.

The used car salesman talk. Ugghhh....took me forever to catch on to it. He was good at refusing to answer questions by asking me questions. He would also change the subject quickly. Once I understood what was going on, I read up on it and learned how to speak to him in the same manner.....OMG, it works! He did not even realize I turned the tables on him.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, the "just friends" line...got that one as well. 

The blame thing is good as well...I remember when I discovered on DD#1 him buying an airline ticket with his airmiles for his OW...before he admitted that it was for his OW...he tried to lie and tell me it was for a male buddy of his (this was someone I knew as well) who desperately needed a ticket back to Canada...when I asked him why prior to getting this ticket thru airmiles did you not mention it to me first so I knew about it..his reason because I knew you would be "mad/pissed off" that i used my airmiles to help him out. 

Funny how he even in his lies, he tried to make me out to be the bad guy...yes I knew you would be mad...justifying in his mind that yes my wife is such a ***** and gets mad at everything so it eases his conscious that he was cheating. That really stands out for me that even while he was trying to lie about the ticket he had to throw something in there negative about me.


Yep all those points are good and so very valid..just do not trust anything that is being told to you...verify and check everything.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and another line that the WS will often say.."I didn't mean to hurt you"....like this is supposed to show how compassionate and sensitive they are. Wow, you didnt mean to hurt me well that just makes it all better.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

highwood said:


> Yes, the "just friends" line...got that one as well.
> 
> The blame thing is good as well...I remember when I discovered on DD#1 him buying an airline ticket with his airmiles for his OW...before he admitted that it was for his OW...he tried to lie and tell me it was for a male buddy of his (this was someone I knew as well) who desperately needed a ticket back to Canada...when I asked him why prior to getting this ticket thru airmiles did you not mention it to me first so I knew about it..his reason because I knew you would be "mad/pissed off" that i used my airmiles to help him out.
> 
> ...


Yeah, looking back, we did have moments when a simple conversation would turn into an argument.......and for the life of me, I can't even remember what they were about, because they were so petty. I now know it was just his way of baiting me, so he could sit back and say to himself "Look at her. Why would I want to be with someone who acts like that?" Of course, the entire time I did not know he was having an affair, hiding a ton of money in a secret account, and had secret personal loans. Oh, and was planning to leave me, which he eventually did.


----------



## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

My wife is doing the false remorse to a T. Question is, do I bring it up and discuss the way she is acting or do I wait to getproof of something going on again. By the way she caught me going through her phone and now has a password on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

bump
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

lostmylove said:


> My wife is doing the false remorse to a T. Question is, do I bring it up and discuss the way she is acting or do I wait to getproof of something going on again. *By the way she caught me going through her phone and now has a password on it.*


Unacceptable, in my opinion. By false remorse, I assume you mean she strayed, you caught her, and she's now "committing" to reconciling and working things out? 

If so, then giving up her right to privacy is something she has to do, if you request it (and almost every betrayed spouse would/should). If she's not willing to make those sacrifices, she's not committed to reconciling. 

I would bring it up now, tell her that if she's not willing to do what it takes to rebuild your trust in her, then she can get out.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lostmylove said:


> My wife is doing the false remorse to a T. Question is, do I bring it up and discuss the way she is acting or do I wait to getproof of something going on again. By the way she caught me going through her phone and now has a password on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do something else entirely. You tell her secrets have no place in a marriage, and she does not have you trust. The password needs to go away and she has to accept compete transparency or the marriage is over.

Secrets and ways to keep things from your SO have only one propose and that is to give you freedom to betray your SO without getting caught.

Your talking to her is passive. It's asking pretty please to stop hiding the truth.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Her sudden interested in getting her privates waxed. We hadn't been intimate in a year by that time. So, it wasn't to my benefit. The weekly massages all paid in advance for a year. Shopping trips that lasted all weekend, but only has a couple of items to show for it. This went for grocery shopping as well. Soo much other stuff to list. Why do I have so much money left in my checking account now? Great thread!


----------



## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You do something else entirely. You tell her secrets have no place in a marriage, and she does not have you trust. The password needs to go away and she has to accept compete transparency or the marriage is over.
> 
> Secrets and ways to keep things from your SO have only one propose and that is to give you freedom to betray your SO without getting caught.
> 
> Your talking to her is passive. It's asking pretty please to stop hiding the truth.


Agree. I've just been putting it off with valentines coming up and all. I know it sounds stupid but I want to at least have one last good weekend before I open this can of worms. Because I know it will not end well. 
Anyway, sorry for the thread jack. Thanks for the reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

