# Custody battle brewing



## Healer

So I've been divorced for a couple months, separated for 2 years. We hashed out a 50/50 (sort of) split and both signed off on it in our separation agreement - which of course is a legally binding document. I have the kids Wednesday after school until Sunday at 6 pm. She picks them up Sunday at 6 and has them until Wednesday morning (drops them off at school). So I have them more actually - she NEVER has them for a full day. I have them all Saturday and Sunday (until 6) and I get every second Friday off, so I have them all day those Fridays (they're off school at noon). 

She has recently (a few months) got a new job at a bar in a town about 30 minutes away. Her boyfriend lives there as well (bouncer at her bar). She has been pushing to move the kids to this town as she hates the commute and wants to be close to her bf. I have said no - the kids love their school and friends, love being in the house they grew up in, my family all live within a few minutes etc.

A while ago she stated she wants a new arrangement: she moves the kids to this other town and they change schools. My days go down to only Saturday and Sunday and I would get holidays.So I'd lose Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - and the kicker is, they wouldn't even be with her (she goes to work before they get off school and works until late late night) - they would be at her PARENTS place. Her parents would have them from from 3 pm onward for Wednesday-Friday, instead of me.

Obviously I said no ****ING way. She has pushed and pushed on this, saying the time would be made up during the holidays. I can't take time off work on holidays - I get 1 day for the stats, that's it. She keeps saying "the amount of time is the same, just placed differently". She's not the best with arithmetic. 

So I wouldn't see my kids for 5 days at a time and their primary care giver would HER PARENTS. I said absolutely not. She is hiring a lawyer and taking it to court. She has no money and declared bankruptcy a year ago. She said she'll get a loan to pay for a lawyer. But she's going through with it.

I've been at my job for 5 years and make $120k a year - a very stable job and the kids are super happy when with me. My folks are wealthy and said "we'll get the best custody lawyer in the city". My dad contacted his high powered attorney (not a custody guy) who has put me in touch with 2 high powered female custody lawyers. 

So, there's that peace of mind, BUT. I'm scared to death I may lose my kids and only see them weekends. I am NOT a weekend dad. With her arrangement I would lose primary custody to her 2 idiot parents (red necks, and the ex mother in law is a self proclaimed "witch"). 

I'm praying no judge would grant this, but stranger things have happened. I am SO STRESSED OUT. And this wil bury her financially - she wants a high priced lawyer - will have to get a loan, and that will be super high interest because of her bankruptcy. My folks have said "whatever it takes - we'll fight this". But I admit it - I'm scared.


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## 3Xnocharm

Sorry you are dealing with this crap. If she wants to move so she can be close to her bf, more power to her, but it sounds pointless for her to try and have primary custody if she does. I believe that you have the upper hand here, and would be surprised if you dont come out of this as primary. She is being very selfish, she is more concerned about being close to her bf than she is about the welfare of her kids. So hang in there, you have a strong case.


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## Healer

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry you are dealing with this crap. If she wants to move so she can be close to her bf, more power to her, but it sounds pointless for her to try and have primary custody if she does. I believe that you have the upper hand here, and would be surprised if you dont come out of this as primary. She is being very selfish, she is more concerned about being close to her bf than she is about the welfare of her kids. So hang in there, you have a strong case.


I hope you're right. She's a MASTER manipulator and is doing this under the guise of "it's best for the kids". She says they're so miserable and being moved around so much and it's so unstable and this would give them stability - utter lies. The kids are SO happy and vibrant when they're with me - everyone has commented on how much happier they are since we split. They're always silly and upbeat and loving and get along great with each other and people at school. Very well adjusted and just happy, happy kids. But the way she frames it you'd think they're miserable and depressed. But it's SO obvious this is for HER benefit and convenience. How would taking them away from their dad (we're SO close) and giving them to a THIRD PARTY be more stable for them?? She's a horrible, selfish, manipulative woman.

"She is being very selfish, she is more concerned about being close to her bf than she is about the welfare of her kids.". I hope a judge will see this.


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## Holland

Based on what you say here there would be no case here in Aussie. The courts would look at it and not grant her the new orders.

I hope for your sake your system is the same, what your ex is suggesting sound all about her and very little to do with the kids best interests. Personally in your situation I would blow her out of the water financially and show her that she cannot treat you and the kids this way.

If she wants to be with her bf then it is on her to do the commuting. Too bad, so sad.

Stay strong on this one. Good luck.


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## Revamped

You should be scared. Judges HATE when two people cannot come to a mutual agreement. If it goes to Court, you'll BOTH lose.

The way I see it, she gets the brunt of school work and you get the whole weekend of down time with the children. That needs to change. 

First of all, the children don't change schools every time there is a job change. Thirty minutes isn't that long of a commute to warrant that. She loses on that point.

Second, it isn't fair to the kids that they never get free time with mom. You need to give up the whole Sunday for this to happen. You lose that point.

Make a new agreement. Something more fair to the children and less of a fight between you and your x.


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## Healer

Revamped said:


> You should be scared. Judges HATE when two people cannot come to a mutual agreement. If it goes to Court, you'll BOTH lose.
> 
> The way I see it, she gets the brunt of school work and you get the whole weekend of down time with the children. That needs to change.
> 
> First of all, the children don't change schools every time there is a job change. Thirty minutes isn't that long of a commute to warrant that. She loses on that point.
> 
> Second, it isn't fair to the kids that they never get free time with mom. You need to give up the whole Sunday for this to happen. You lose that point.
> 
> Make a new agreement. Something more fair to the children and less of a fight between you and your x.


You're misinformed. She doesn't WANT more time with the kids. I have them Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She doesn't WANT them Sunday. She doesn't WANT more time with them, down time or otherwise. She wants her PARENTS to have them because they live close to where she wants to move and she wouldn't have to commute. She doesn't WANT them weekends - EVER. She'll never ever give up working at the bars on the weekends. You don' think I'd like a weekend off now and again? I can't because she works and she likes it that way.

How is Monday and Tuesday the "brunt of the schoolwork"? Last time I checked, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are more school days than Monday and Tuesday? :scratchhead:

She doesn't WANT free time with them. She wants her parents to have them for free time. NOT HER!

Reread my op.

ETA

Not only does she not want me to not give up my Sunday am/afternoon - she WANTS to give up her Sunday evening.


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## Revamped

Good luck to you.


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## Healer

When the agreement was initially put together, I said over and over "you never have a weekend with them. You never wake them up, do breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime - NEVER!". I told her she needed that quality time with them - more than just Sun-Tues evenings. She didn't want it. She still doesn't want it. She doesn't want more time with the kids - she just wants her parents to have the kids more because that's more convenient for her and she gets to live with her bf. She's not asking for even 1 hour more with them herself. Just a pass off from me to her folks.


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## Revamped

How is that YOUR problem?


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## Openminded

The judge will take a hard look at her for requesting a change to a parenting plan that was previously agreed to. Especially since this involves changing schools. That's a huge disruption to the children and judges really don't like that.


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## Healer

Openminded said:


> The judge will take a hard look at her for requesting a change to a parenting plan that was previously agreed to. Especially since this involves changing schools. That's a huge disruption to the children and judges really don't like that.


God I hope you're right. She seems SO confident. "I know FIVE dads who went through this and lost...". Uh huh.

She said she goes to talk to a lawyer at length next week and "doesn't care how much it costs or if it breaks her". How nice. Burning her money that she could use for the kids for convenience.

She declared bankruptcy a year ago too. And she has NO money. I wonder if she'll get a loan.


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## Openminded

She's bluffing. About the five men who lost and about spending every dime she has. She's hoping you'll just give up so she doesn't have to go back to court and look stupid. 

Judges absolutely don't like it when one parent decides to change a custody plan that's already been worked out. Especially when it involves changing schools and the disruption that brings.


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## 06Daddio08

Until her words turn into actions, don't let them take action within you. As hard as that is to do, nothing is for certain until the courts are involved. If this is being done in person, on the phone or through text, start e-mailing about it as it's a lot easier to use in court. While I'm not sure how the system works where you live, the general rule of thumb is e-mail over everything.

It's already been said, the courts do not take this type of thing lightly. An agreement was made previously and the bottom line in most cases is what's best for the kids. Changing everything because she decided to get a job somewhere else isn't what's best for the kids.


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## daddymikey1975

OP what state so you live in? 

In Indiana, for a change in custody there has to be 
1) a mutual agreement between parents that would serve the best interests of the kids 
Or

2) a change in circumstances so continuing or substantial as to warrant a change (in the best interests of the children). 

Consider mediation as well (as an alternative to the full blown custody battle) 

basically, she wants the change so the burden is on her to file a motion notifying you of a change in her residence and to ask for a change in custody. You should immediately suggest to her that the two of you participate in mediation, and document the conversation. 

I don't see a judge granting a change based on the details we have been given. 

Get a background check on her parents and boyfriend as well. Keep this part to yourself. Never know what you may find or how it might come in handy.


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## Pluto2

Without the state and some monetary specifics its sounds on the surface like she's trying to get more child support our of you. 
Her moving was her choice. Not usually a basis for change of custody.

Where's the substantial change of circumstances?
Document everything with the kids. How they do in school, friends, activities you do together. Everything. Show a judge that the kids are doing well with a parent, and won't do as well with grandparents are primary care-givers.


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## karole

Healer, how old are your children? Are they old enough to voice their opinions as to whether or not they'd want to move, switch schools, move away from friends? If so, filing a lawsuit may be to your advantage. Talk with an attorney first; however it may benefit you to file a suit for custody before you XW. Or, you can wait for her to file, answer & counter-sue for custody. Most likely, the court will appoint a guardian-ad-litem to represent your kids. The GAL will interview your kids, you & your wife, etc and make a recommendation re: custody to the court. 9 times out of 10 the Court will rule based on the GAL's recommendation. If your kids are old enough to tell the GAL how much time they actually spend with you, do not wish to move, don't want to change schools, you could be in a very good position. The courts usually try not to disrupt the kids lives more than they have too. What your wife is proposing are major changes. Also, I have a friend in a very similar situation as yours. He filed suit against his wife for custody and he won. The XW is now having to pay him child support. His son is 12. 

I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you really have your kids best interests at heart.


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## always_hopefull

You say you make 120$k a year? Good! Get a lawyer to formally make a request preventing your wife from moving the kids out of your town unless she's willing to maintain their schooling in the same place. Be proactive, a little money invested now may shut her down. 

The others are right, the judges don't look at what's best for one parent, they look at what's best for the children. I hope you still have copies of your ex's statements regarding how little time she would want with kids. 

PS, you may want to ask your ex if she's willing to take even less time weekly and make it up during the holidays. You could suggest in your initial request to do a week on and a week off during summer vacations, including weekends. That would give you some more weekend time 

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBHmidwest

bar bar bouncer boyfriend

get pictures of him leaving her house with kids there

case over for most judges


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## HobbesTheTiger

Go talk to your lawyer immediately, set up a plan for gathering evidence, strategy,...!

What has your lawyer recommended thus far?


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## Hardtohandle

Here in New York it's who has them 51% of the time. When calculating percentage it's based on overnight stay and NOT hours spent with the children.

But http://www.divorceny.com/ will show you that one judge started calculating hours to benefit the wife.. The husband appealed it and won. But he had to appeal the case. 

You need a lawyer that is well versed in your state laws related to divorce and custody..

Whatever you do, as you said already.. DO NOT change up your hours. Make sure you are at a higher percentage.

But don't freak out until a lawyer tells you to freak out..

Keep posting and good luck..


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## PBear

*Re: Re: Custody battle brewing*



LBHmidwest said:


> bar bar bouncer boyfriend
> 
> get pictures of him leaving her house with kids there
> 
> case over for most judges


Based on what? She's allowed to have a boyfriend, and he can stay the night. Unless he's a risk to the kids, the chances of getting him "barred" are slim. The judges won't care about squabbles between spouses. 

C


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## PBear

And the OP is in Canada... 

C


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