# My husband is trying... a bit...



## 9reasons (Apr 13, 2009)

I know only too well the difficulties with blended families but I have an on-going problem I would like some advice about.

I have been married to my husband for 6 years together for 7. He used to have a reasonably good relationship with my two daughters from a previous relationship when they were both younger but it seems that when they turned 16, things changed. I know if it were just him and me then things would be okay, he is very much into that, but of course I have my two daughters and they mean the world to me. It seems like I am in the middle more times that I care to think about.

The eldest is 21 and does not live at home. When she was 16 she has some pretty tough issues going on... she was a real handful but when they are your flesh and blood, something keeps you in there dealing with things... anyway I think it is too easy for the non-natural parent to bail when the going gets tough and my husband was rather instrumental in my older daughter leaving home as things were getting quite tough. One of the things she was doing was taking money from my younger daughter... therefore with my younger daughter distressed and my husband putting pressure on, she eventually moved in with her boyfriend. It left me rather heartbroken that it could not be resolved. Since then things have come good, we are on good terms and she is moving her stuff back home from a rented place but still spends most of her time with the boyfriend. I am much happier about the situation now; however I must admit I have not sought any advice from my husband about it. We are a bit estranged right now as he is now having similar difficulties with my younger daughter. This is our home that he moved into 6 years ago.

My younger daughter he had a reasonably close relationship with while she grew up and helped her a quite a bit with the poor relationship she had with her own father and they used to be quite close. That changed in January this year as she was changing schools and doing a certificate in graphic design but she was unhappy at the new school but loved the graphic design college so we stepped up her certificate to a diploma which, in the end, worked out better for her and she has now left school and does this full time. Well my husband saw this as her taking the easy option, he felt she does not have the self discipline to stick things out as this was a really good school that we got her into. I guess I go with the flow more and work with each situation as it comes along but my husband is a stickler that if you make your bed you lie in it.

Anyway we also work a lot more now as we have a restaurant and we are away for a lot of evenings. My daughter noticed that he seems to want to spend all his spare time with me and is not that family oriented, too easy I guess when they are not your own. Anyway she was feeling very left out and said to him that he didn't give a damn about her... in other words voiced her feelings, well she is now in the doghouse, he feels she is rude, ungrateful and this justifies him ignoring her, etc. He has got a bit better of late but their relationship is rather 'cool' now. 

I find myself re-coiling from him now. I have virtually begged him to try to get on better with them both as it cuts me and puts me in the middle but he says he cannot help it and is trying the best he can. He says he feels like an outsider a lot but because I love my children, I feel torn between the two. As his actions lately have been less than desirable I find myself being more on my kids side... this is really hard. Has anyone else had to go through this? Should I consider being on my own so my relationships with my girls can be less tense? They both tolerate him now for my sake but my youngest really does not like the way she has been treated and to be honest, does not deserve it. Can anyone help me?


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Stick up for your girls. He's not respecting them or your concerns. Think of what you're teaching them about what's an acceptable way to be treated. Find a bigger way to get through to your H.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

KMDillon said:


> Stick up for your girls. He's not respecting them or your concerns. Think of what you're teaching them about what's an acceptable way to be treated. Find a bigger way to get through to your H.


I disagree. Your girls are old enough that they shouldn't be playing such a big part of your relationship. Not to be rude but you husband has spent the time being a dad and just wants to be hubby now. Let you girls get on with their own life and start living yours.

Right now at this point in your life you should be thinking about spending your time with you husband. You two already raised your girls, NOW IS YOUR TIME.


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