# Why would people behave this way? What is the point of it?



## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Background*

I filed for divorce after 22 months of marriage. It has been a very tempestuous marriage laced with brief moments of calm and clarity.

Alas, I decided that I will have to be prepared to be Mr. Bad Guy and file for divorce, even though stbx had spent the first 18months of our marriage (even while on honeymoon) threatening divorce. When I eventually got fed up and told her to go ahead this April - she simply told me to go and file if I want to.

Fast forward to July 31 and I decided that enough was enough, I was not going to dance the divorce waltz anymore.

Since then, I have felt sad about what I am doing but convinced it is the right thing. We are still living in the same house until she returns to the USA at the end of this month. 

*
Here are the issues that I just don't understand:*

Before filing, I told her that I would be putting in the papers the following week. I had all kinds of emotions and questions going through my head at this time but I told her what I would be doing and when. Her response was, "What are you waiting for? Why not do it tomorrow?" So, I did!

_After filing, she then turns on me saying this was not what she wanted and I am effectively divorcing her. I kind'a guessed this would happen even though we mutually agreed to part ways. This hurts somewhat but I fully expected it_

She then suddenly told me last week that she would be travelling to Italy after taking my 3 kids (her step kids) away for the night. I had no idea how long she was going for. I was cool with these. She arrived from Italy last night and we barely said a word.

The last few weeks has seen me start going to the gym more and enjoying my training sessions. I used to go 2-3 times a week, now I do 5 minimum! These have been very good for me during this crazy time. While she was in Italy, I bought a tub of Protein and Creatin Powder for faster recovery etc.

I was sitting in the living room when she took time out from packing her things (for which I have offered to help in anyway I can) and went into the kitchen. She then comes to me in the living room and says:

"Not that this is any of my business. I see you got some protein powder. I assume you're bulking up for your next catch. I think you look better lighter".

I couldn't believe this. I felt like she was hammering nails into my head. Heck, this is a yet married woman, who has just returned from about 4 days alone in Italy. I do not question her fidelity at all but to have these sort of snide and loaded remarks fired at me is just torture. Why would she do this?

I fully expect more of it. One of the things that I HATE the most about our marriage (and I have discussed this ad-infinitum) are the sniping snide remarks. This is just painful. 

*Can anyone please help me know how to deal with these?*. I imagine it will only get worse. We will remain under the same roof for another 2 weeks roughly but I have promised myself that I will not allow myself to get angry, resentful or engage in an argument. This is just painful.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Your W is holding in a lot of anger. 

Was she always like this? 

If not when did it start?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Hey Tron. 

It's been a big part of the history of our marriage. She may be angry about the divorce which I can understand. I am flat out burned by a second failed marriage at the age of 35.

We have had a relationship laced with far more arguments and deeply saddening episodes of contention. The things that I am struggling with are the comments about me doing whatever she thinks I am doing in preparation "for my next catch". I feel very sad as it. I just didn't need this kind of insinuation. Furthermore, and knowing what she is like the sniping remarks will continue. I also see the victim mentality gradually creeping in now even though this is the same woman that literally tormented me for 18 months with divorce threats. Now that I decided I have had enough, I am the hapless baddie who is already preparing for his next catch. 

Honest truth is that the last thing on my mind now is getting into a relationship. Aarrgghh..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Just trying to figure out what's up with her and the anger, resentment, etc.

I am just thinking that maybe you failed some fitness tests early on and it just snowballed from there. 

You are obviously still at the forefront of her mind. Not sure if this is really what she wants. Doesn't sound like it.

When did the anger start? 
Has she always been like this? 
Even before when you were just dating?
What was her childhood like?
Any abuse, abandonment, etc.?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

This is already a 2nd marriage for you.

The question to ask yourself is what kind of women am I choosing.

If you are consistently picking women with a lot of emotional baggage then figure out why and fix it.

If the women are normal then you are going to have to look in the mirror and find out what you are doing wrong that is killing your relationships.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Tron said:


> Just trying to figure out what's up with her and the anger, resentment, etc.
> 
> I am just thinking that maybe you failed some fitness tests early on and it just snowballed from there.
> 
> ...


Something she very often accused me of was abandonment. Sometimes it got repetitive I thought I was going crazy especially given that I felt I was constantly doing more and more to support (this was all before I finally decided I couldn't live like this anymore)

As per history of anger/resentment - she is a very strong minded person as am I BUt her intensity is unlike anything I have ever known before. She responds to negatives in sometimes very intense emotional outbursts. She is mo maniac though she has done some frankly frightening things when she was pissed. Scary stuff I tell you. 

Re: her childhood. She comes from a close knit family. Her parents were and her dad particularly were in her words "workaholics". I don't think she saw much of her dad growing up but she has good respect for him.

Why do you think she would be going off at me now for doing something she always wanted but never had the courage to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER? With two broken marriages under your belt, you are way past due. There is a link in my signature.

Why did she threaten divorce on your honeymoon? Does she also have kids?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

iBolt said:


> Something she very often accused me of was abandonment. Sometimes it got repetitive I thought I was going crazy especially given that I felt I was constantly doing more and more to support (this was all before I finally decided I couldn't live like this anymore)
> 
> As per history of anger/resentment - she is a very strong minded person as am I BUt her intensity is unlike anything I have ever known before. She responds to negatives in sometimes very intense emotional outbursts. She is mo maniac though she has done some frankly frightening things when she was pissed. Scary stuff I tell you.
> 
> ...


She behaves in a manner consistent with a childhood sex abuse victim.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Have you read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER? With two broken marriages under your belt, you are way past due. There is a link in my signature.
> 
> Why did she threaten divorce on your honeymoon? Does she also have kids?


I'll check out the book. Thanks. No she doesn't have any children and was never married before - just boyfriends. 

As per honeymoon. We had a disagreement over something, I can't remember. She then said she wanted to get an annulment. Whatever it was I hadn't had an affair or anything mega but to call for a annulment after 24hrs I think was a bit much. This trend continued for months afterwards. I no angel. I wish I was the 'yes dear' kind of man always but after a while I speak up. Depending on strength of argument, the divorce card got pulled out. She once told me that I was only resisting her call for divorce because I was afraid of what people will think of me as a two time divorcee. This was not true. It was because I really believe it takes time to blend lives together in a marriage and I wanted some stability in my life and kid's lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Sounds like she's histrionic.. look it up.

She was threatening divorce but didn't really mean for you to follow through, she can't handle conflict well doesn't know how to effectively communicate and compromise.

Once you followed through after one too many threats, she realized she pushed you too far and regrets her actions.

Watch for sure signs of her trying to win you back.

If you divorce please don't get married again, it's pointless.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Ok - First thing you've got to realise is that she sounds like a deeply unhappy person. This is not your doing - and she has probably been like this since before she even met you. (workaholic father and attention seeking behaviour later in life - it's not rocket science!) 

Nothing you can do can 'fix' her (only counselling can help her realise her issues). 

Don't let her drag you down any further - she her for what she is. A very sad and unhappy individual who needs help. Close your ears to the snipping - that's merely 'mirror behaviour'. 

Don't feel bad about the divorce after 22 months - far better than wasting years of your life living in hope of happiness with her. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Good luck


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Tron said:


> This is already a 2nd marriage for you.
> 
> The question to ask yourself is what kind of women am I choosing.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your points Tron.

Irrespective of whether normal or not, I aim to take a very close look at myself. I can see a trend that feeds off a trait of mine. I am someone who likes to fix things. You name it, I'll give it a go. This is also tied into my stubborn knack for challenges. .you know the type that no one else will touch or that others have battered to failure. 

My ex wife had a terrible childhood. Parental neglect was a key factor. I guess I had everything growing up. Life has always been great for me. There's nothing I've always really needed that I did not get. So I think I must have seen myself as some kind of parental figure for ex-wife which is just wrong. It is only in hindsight that I am recognising this. 

My stbx was just coming out of a terrible relationship with a guy who cheated on her and literally destroyed her career jn the process. I do not believe she's ever recovered from this. It perhaps explains my heart-wrenching sorrow for those whose partners have cheated on them. I have seen the wreckage it leaves behind its selfish trail of destruction. 

Stbx also would often talk about how she did not go on dates for some 2 yrs because"guys felt threatened by a woman with opinions, her own house, car and career". To me, this sounded like a challenge. Stupid- I know. When she kept saying these, I should have joined two plus two together when said in conjunction with her being a feminist. 

I think I possibly saw myself as an able 21st century man that's capable of dealing with a beautiful woman like this despite these background. I felt I loved her. In fact I know I did and still do but I totally overestimated my abilities because of my 'knight in shinning armour' mentality. 

This tendency to help others has now caused me and those i cared for no end of heartache. I feel so rotten and like such a huge failure. I just can't understand why my life has been so unsuccessful in terms of marriage relationships. What kicks even more is that every other area of my lide is moving onwards and upwards yet I have worked and invested more of me on this marriage than anything else in my life that I can recall. Yet, I have nothing to show for it but another crushing heartache for me and the woman who agreed to marry me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Willowfin said:


> Ok - First thing you've got to realise is that she sounds like a deeply unhappy person. This is not your doing - and she has probably been like this since before she even met you. (workaholic father and attention seeking behaviour later in life - it's not rocket science!)
> 
> Nothing you can do can 'fix' her (only counselling can help her realise her issues).
> 
> ...


Thanks Willowfin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

iBolt said:


> Thanks for your points Tron.
> 
> Irrespective of whether normal or not, I aim to take a very close look at myself. I can see a trend that feeds off a trait of mine. I am someone who likes to fix things. You name it, I'll give it a go. This is also tied into my stubborn knack for challenges. .you know the type that no one else will touch or that others have battered to failure.
> 
> ...


Bolt,

You're on it now.

Have you been to counseling?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Bolt,
> 
> You're on it now.
> 
> Have you been to counseling?


I have been on and off for the last year. We went together too. I am now going by myself.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

iBolt said:


> I have been on and off for the last year. We went together too. I am now going by myself.


That's good Bolt. Keep it up cause you are on the right track.

Your W sounds like she has some very severe abandonment issues. With workaholic parents she likely did not feel loved, wanted or cared for as a child. Taking 2 solid years to get over a boyfriend pretty much sews that up.

I do not think those issues have anything to do with being a feminist. But her childhood probably taught her that she needed to be completely self reliant and mistrusting of others. 

She seems to relate well with your kids.

Not sure if she is a lost cause at this point, but she needs some serious therapy!

I am not normally one to push straight for divorce, and I realize that you are at the end of your rope, but do you think you guys might consider just doing a trial separation? Get some therapy going and see what happens?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Tron said:


> That's good Bolt. Keep it up cause you are on the right track.
> 
> Your W sounds like she has some very severe abandonment issues. With workaholic parents she likely did not feel loved, wanted or cared for as a child. Taking 2 solid years to get over a boyfriend pretty much sews that up.
> 
> ...


We have already been separated twice. First was for a month last September. Second was April this year. On both occasions she told me she would be filing for a divorce in the USA where we got married and where she's from. In fact, the September separation saw her pack all of her things out of the house and she my kids that I asked her for a divorce (not true).

The difficulties for about these separations are that:

1. My kids are in the middle of all of it. I don't think the back and forth is good for them. Bear in mind that there have also been 2-3 periods when she's left the house to go and stay at a nearby friend's home. It's been quite awful. Kids would wake up the following morning wondering she was. .
2. She is from America. When separated she either goes to her parents' or older sister's (she is single but a lovely lady). Logistically and financially, separation is a nightmare on several levels. 

Man. This bites!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Bolt,

I wasn't really thinking a month or even two. As you are now well aware, her issues are pretty deeply rooted. Yours may be too although having the awareness you have right now means you are well on your way.

JMO, but she isn't going to be able to fix her issues in a month. Has she indicated to you any awareness of what is going on with her? Or is there "nothing wrong" with her and this is all iBolt's problems?

2 continents certainly complicates things. Is there a way to keep her on your side of the pond without living together? i realize supporting 2 households is financially draining, especially if you live near London.

While I don't share Lenzi's fatalistic view about marriage I also have the feeling that she will try and win you back.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Hey Tron. Thanks for keeping with me.

You guessed rightly. Supporting two households would be impossible. It would be possible if she was willing to use her salary to pay for this but all her income remains in her US bank account which is meant to be a 'family account'. Despite having a job which pays both of us a salary, I have given up arguing about me covering some 95% of all our expenditure while hers is ring fenced in the US for future holidays which won't happen. EleGirl on TAM keeps suggesting that stbx has no financial responsibility for my kids, which from a legal standpoint is accurate BUT I don't get why it is fair that I shoulder 95% of HER living cost. No equality there IMO. So, me paying for two homes is a non starter considering where we live. 

As per the problems, I have frequently told her that I understand where my faults lie in our marriage. I do not pretend to being Mr. Perfect. I even went to her yesterday and this morning to let her know that I do understand how she could have felt lonely at times in this marriage when I get upset and that this is not what I had in mind when I asked her to marry me blah blah blah

I was sincere and even sounded remorseful. Nevertheless and in true character she effectively said:

"No matter what it was, I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve that. You don't do this and choose not to do that. You only do what you think I want or what you feel like doing. I deserve a marriage that is forever. I deserve. ."

At this point I had to remind her that she outlined a number of things during MC last year which I am still doing. However, the other things do nkt come so naturally to me and feel even less a desire to do so when she does something that really hurts me. Meeting the other 'needs' she expresses will take time but to constantly be looking for unmet needs, i think is unhelpful. It's almost like she cannot accept that I feel hurt by her actions at times. 

I absolutely cannot recall ever knowing someone who is so focused on what they don't have while ignoring what they do have, shows such hubris by refusing to even acknowledge the feelings of an equally aggrieved party or demands with such unforgiving intensity. I sometimes wonder why I even bothered going to talk with her yesterday and today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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