# Do WAW's ever come back?



## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I have been reading on here from so many TAMer's about how thier W walk out either to be selfish and live the single life or for a PosOM. Leaving a trail of destruction, hurt families, children, and friends deveastated. 

However, it seems that when the H takes the right steps (180, no contact, etc.) it gets thier attention. But does the WAW come back? The bigger question may be will the H take them back? It seems that once we see from 50k feet we do not like the person the WAW is and R is not possible.

Has anyone out there experienced a WAW coming back, trully repent what they have done and ask for forgiveness? It seems that most of WAW are trully "done" and it would take an act of God to change their minds.

My WAW fits the definition to a T. I am making progress in following the 180 rules, no contact, and letting her go. But , i cant help but wonder if the WAW ever comes home.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Walk Away Wife


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Yes, there are some that go back , some H takes them, some not depends of the situation .

Only you know if she ever try to get back to you if you want her back ! 

Now I truly believe that when one of the spouses toke the initiative and left the marriage , then the left one must be separated from it for at least 6 months to be clear with him self at first. Wantch and observe the left spouse's actions. 

In my case I'm more and more confident that getting back with her will be steps back. Still want her but not like a month ago.

Concentrate on your self is the key here and nothing else !


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks BM, how long have you been separated from you WAW? Was there a OM?

I have been 180ing and no contact for the last 4 weeks, only contact that we have is via text and when we exchange the kids, which i keep conversations about them and short.

We have been physically seperated for 2.5 months.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

HR, just to underscore Mac... If you search long enough and hard enough you will find whatever example you're searching for. The norm around TAM is that reconciliation is slim regardless of the label attached to the other party. And that it takes two people to destroy a marriage. Given the math of that, the only smart thing to do us to work on righting yourself as it helps you in your present situation and would make you more attractive to your spouse. 

Once your self esteem has risen you should find that you aren't so interested in pursuing somebody that would treat your marriage so carelessly. It's the question behind the question. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Thanks BM, how long have you been separated from you WAW? Was there a OM?
> 
> I have been 180ing and no contact for the last 4 weeks, only contact that we have is via text and when we exchange the kids, which i keep conversations about them and short.
> 
> We have been physically seperated for 2.5 months.


Separated for 3 months but still under the same roof til the end of the year . The court day ( in front of the judge ) is in 3 days - 11-30 .

She swore she didn't leave me for OM, however 2 weeks after the BS speech she was dating ( and still dating ) a druggie without job,home or car.

However , she can keep her posOM if she wants , now I have spsOW


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I am the poster child for changing in order to win the heart of my wife. Can they come back? Absolutely. Will mine? Probably. The question is: Do I want her back? That answer at this exact time is without a shadow of a doubt-----HELL NO. However, will she change and do the work she needs to do to become who she was created to be? If she does, it is possible my mind could change, and I could love her again. 

BUT, will I be available when that time comes.......I doubt it. It sucks, but so is life.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> BUT, will I be available when that time comes.......I doubt it. It sucks, but so is life.


It sucks for who ?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BM - i am sorry to hear about that but it sounds like you have been really working on your self and you seem confident. Glad to hear that you have moved on, kind of. 

Dedicated - I feel the exact same way. i think that my W is making a huge mistake, althought i was not perfrect, i was willing to stick it out and work on our marriage. Will i be a better person for some OW down the line, absolutley! Will she come back at some point, i dont know, but the more i read here and the more i learn about other people, the more i will NOT let her drag me down. I will be a better man for my kids and some one else will appreciate me in the future if she cannot. 

My W's commitment level is a zero. Some more background when she got back from Iraq back in'08 she left me, because she wanted to go back to Iraq and help, and wanted to join the peace corps, she was manic. Fast forward to now, it is almost the same thing, acting very manic depressive. The more i see it from 50k feet the more i think that she has more problems than i do. Even thought she cited my selfishness, drinking (which was no more than the average guy here), and golfing as reasons enuff for her departure, what a crock of sh**.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> It sucks for who ?


The wayward, kids, etc.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

my waw did 8 years ago and we had a great marraige after, including 2 more kids, BUT when things started to go worng again, all the mis trust issue came back, shes gone again now and is divorcing me

Her time away - i let go to the back of my head - but when it started to go srong this time it all came back, i cudnt traust her and started to argue with her - she then left

From her part, she started by saying she wasing going to make our marriage as it worked last time then said shed done once before s wasnt going through again - its now all over


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> my waw did 8 years ago and we had a great marraige after, including 2 more kids, BUT when things started to go worng again, all the mis trust issue came back, shes gone again now and is divorcing me
> 
> Her time away - i let go to the back of my head - but when it started to go srong this time it all came back, i cudnt traust her and started to argue with her - she then left
> 
> From her part, she started by saying she wasing going to make our marriage as it worked last time then said shed done once before s wasnt going through again - its now all over


And THIS is why I say: What has the Wayward done to deal with their baggage? Have they changed, in fact, who they are in order to handle a balanced relationship going forward. Most instances, no they have not. They just got lonely enough and the previous pain had become a memory. They fall back in love and start the WHOLE DANG PROCESS AGAIN. 

Get comfortable in your own skin. Stand up for what is right and what you deserve, and that is a FUNCTIONAL, ADULT RELATIONSHIP.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

36Separated said:


> my waw did 8 years ago and we had a great marraige after, including 2 more kids, BUT when things started to go worng again, all the mis trust issue came back, shes gone again now and is divorcing me
> 
> Her time away - i let go to the back of my head - but when it started to go srong this time it all came back, i cudnt traust her and started to argue with her - she then left
> 
> From her part, she started by saying she wasing going to make our marriage as it worked last time then said shed done once before s wasnt going through again - its now all over


36, its crazy isnt it, my WAW said something similar to her mom, that she did not feel the love any more, last time she left she admintted to still being in love and that is what kept her from leaving permanently.

This time she is saying that it is truly over, that her hurt runs deeper than her love for me. She is making every excuse to justify her leaving, "it will be better for the boys, they wont know the difference, we will be better parents, we will be happier alone, etc" all BS. 

I really thing that when she wakes up and gets out of her fog, she will be like, o snap, what did i do. By then it may be too late for me, as i am doing so much self discovery i really am liking the person that i am. I am becoming who i was before i was married, a strong, attractive, confident, man.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> 36, its crazy isnt it, my WAW said something similar to her mom, that she did not feel the love any more, last time she left she admintted to still being in love and that is what kept her from leaving permanently.
> 
> This time she is saying that it is truly over, that her hurt runs deeper than her love for me. She is making every excuse to justify her leaving, "it will be better for the boys, they wont know the difference, we will be better parents, we will be happier alone, etc" all BS.
> 
> I really thing that when she wakes up and gets out of her fog, she will be like, o snap, what did i do. By then it may be too late for me, as i am doing so much self discovery i really am liking the person that i am. I am becoming who i was before i was married, a strong, attractive, confident, man.


Mine exactly the same - every excuse going - ive done everything to put right - she isnt interested, i still think in a yr or 2 she think oh ****, but be too l8 then as divorce going through


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> The wayward, kids, etc.



Why do you care what she feels ? Because of the kids ? 

@HiR , thank you for the nice words , I/m not completely over but every day is a better day and I feel my progress


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Why do you care what she feels ? Because of the kids ?


Because I have forgiven her. She is a broken person. She lacks the support and ability to find her way. I want the best for her moving forward, and I know her current path only leads to more destruction and regret. It does suck for her, and my children to a point.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

36 - i read your story, so there was a OM? My WAW has no OM, rather my IC and I both think she is suffering from some sort of manic depression. Her descision making as of late has been suspect. I.e. having her mom buy her a new car she cant afford, shopping out of control, and partying.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

I thought the first time it was post natental depression n i thought this time she was ill - but she wasnt she knew what is was doing


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Because I have forgiven her. She is a broken person. She lacks the support and ability to find her way. I want the best for her moving forward, and I know her current path only leads to more destruction and regret. It does suck for her, and my children to a point.


I agree, this was the hardest thing for me to deal with. THe fact that my children (3 & 1.5) would not experience what it is like to have mom and dad raising them together in the same house.

But her loss, i will have to find someone else who share my same values.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy! How goes it, Brother?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> 36 - i read your story, so there was a OM? My WAW has no OM, rather my IC and I both think she is suffering from some sort of manic depression. Her descision making as of late has been suspect. I.e. having her mom buy her a new car she cant afford, shopping out of control, and partying.


My wife I think has a psychiatric disorder as well. She is still not talking to me at all, avoiding me like a plague. She is telling me that we will soon be divorced. She filed a protective order against me. She had no grounds to get one so I consented to one for her. Then, I forwarded her an email. She went directly to the courthouse to file that I violated the order. Enough was enough. I filed a motion to rescind the protective order due to the fact that I consented to it and now she is using it to file frivolous claims just to destroy my legal career. I love my wife, but she is a totally different person.

I think she will be divorcing me soon.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> My wife I think has a psychiatric disorder as well. She is still not talking to me at all, avoiding me like a plague. She is telling me that we will soon be divorced. She filed a protective order against me. She had no grounds to get one so I consented to one for her. Then, I forwarded her an email. She went directly to the courthouse to file that I violated the order. Enough was enough. I filed a motion to rescind the protective order due to the fact that I consented to it and now she is using it to file frivolous claims just to destroy my legal career. I love my wife, but she is a totally different person.
> 
> I think she will be divorcing me soon.


Wow, that stinks, let her go! My wife does not completely avoid me, but is stricly business (about our kids only). I am practicing on letting her go, it is hard as hell, but i know it is for the better of both of us. I do not call her unless she calls first, then i keep it short. I do not text her, email her, or contact her.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I agree, this was the hardest thing for me to deal with. THe fact that my children (3 & 1.5) would not experience what it is like to have mom and dad raising them together in the same house.
> 
> But her loss, i will have to find someone else who share my same values.


HiRoad--Here is the deal. Your children need to see at least one true functional adult relationship in their lives. Obviously, with your wife, that isn't going to happen unless she gets serious about fixing her issues. So, it is a blessing in disguise.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> HiRoad--Here is the deal. Your children need to see at least one true functional adult relationship in their lives. Obviously, with your wife, that isn't going to happen unless she gets serious about fixing her issues. So, it is a blessing in disguise.


I hope it is a blessing in disguise, and like other TAMer's i hope she wakes up before it is too late, but i cannot hang onto hope. 

I am entering into the phase of moving on without her. I am embarking on a new journey that will be about me and the kids, not her.

If she notices, great, but that will not change anything unless she does some serious self reflection, realizes that she needs to makes some changes and works at it, even then there are no guarantees i will be there.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I hope it is a blessing in disguise, and like other TAMer's i hope she wakes up before it is too late, but i cannot hang onto hope.
> 
> I am entering into the phase of moving on without her. I am embarking on a new journey that will be about me and the kids, not her.
> 
> If she notices, great, but that will not change anything unless she does some serious self reflection, realizes that she needs to makes some changes and works at it, even then there are no guarantees i will be there.


It is a blessing. I wouldn't trade the past two years, as hard as they have been, for anything in the world. It has changed me, and that is something that is priceless.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I am the poster child for changing in order to win the heart of my wife. Can they come back? Absolutely. Will mine? Probably. The question is: Do I want her back? That answer at this exact time is without a shadow of a doubt-----HELL NO. However, will she change and do the work she needs to do to become who she was created to be? If she does, it is possible my mind could change, and I could love her again.
> 
> BUT, will I be available when that time comes.......I doubt it. It sucks, but so is life.


Why do you think she will come back? For some reason, I believe my wife will come back. Maybe because I am praying for that. Maybe because she has no valid reason to leave. Or maybe it is because she has come back so many times before. I don't know what it is. But I believe she will. Funny because she is calling me her "soon to be ex-husband" now.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Why do you think she will come back? For some reason, I believe my wife will come back. Maybe because I am praying for that. Maybe because she has no valid reason to leave. Or maybe it is because she has come back so many times before. I don't know what it is. But I believe she will. Funny because she is calling me her "soon to be ex-husband" now.


She will try to come back because she needs me. 4 kids and no job/no degree....never lived on her own.......She will come to her senses at some point, but unless she does serious work on herself a relationship with me would be very detrimental to me. It is not good to be in a stifling marriage with someone who is incapable of communicating.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> She will try to come back because she needs me. 4 kids and no job/no degree....never lived on her own.......She will come to her senses at some point, but unless she does serious work on herself a relationship with me would be very detrimental to me. It is not good to be in a stifling marriage with someone who is incapable of communicating.


My wife left behind a lot as well. She has a good job, but she hates it. Does not have a degree. If she were to ever lose her job she would be toast. But she left behind a husband who sheltered her and made her feel safe. Literally, I took care of all her major problems. She left behind two children who adored her. Even though they were not her biological children, she knew them when they were toddlers. She left behind a beautiful home that she loved. Some 6000+ square feet with all the bells and whistles. She left behind a church family who were her friends. I don't think she realizes it, but she has left behind a God who loves her more than anyone could ever dream of loving her. She has turned her back on Him. So with that, I feel she will come to her senses. She will WANT to come back, but will she? Pride is a powerful thing. She may rather live in misery than have to come back home and admit she was wrong for leaving.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> She will try to come back because she needs me. 4 kids and no job/no degree....never lived on her own.......She will come to her senses at some point, but unless she does serious work on herself a relationship with me would be very detrimental to me. It is not good to be in a stifling marriage with someone who is incapable of communicating.


i think the same thing about my W, we have to little ones both in diapers, we started a brand new business together (which she runs), that barely makes enuff money for her to live off of, and she has crappy credit. It all points that evenetually she will come back, but she has stated that she is a "survivor" and that her mom did it and she can too. 

Her mom divorced at 27 never got remarried never got into another relationship, that was 20 years ago! What do they say about the apple.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Mine wanted to come back. Mostly because I was happy and she was likely miserable. Unfortunately, thats the only reason why. No love, no sorry, just I was happy. She apparently didn't want that.

A little more to it then that. I had lost the 13lbs and was slimmer then ever she knew me. I was working out, I was working on myself, I was confident when we met up to swap child. I was generally happy when she was around. This I think, backfired on me. Because when she wanted to come back. It was primarily because she thought she could "get over" how I wronged her. (See my threads.)


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

hope4family said:


> Mine wanted to come back. Mostly because I was happy and she was likely miserable. Unfortunately, thats the only reason why. No love, no sorry, just I was happy. She apparently didn't want that.


LOL...so she wanted to come back to rob you of your happiness. That's funny. Misery does like company.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

@Solon, at first I thought it was because maybe she was genuine. When I found out that she still felt like I had somehow manipulated her into marriage. I couldn't reconcile. For me, for her, for my child and for our family's. 

I'm hurt by her lies in claiming that this is now all my fault. It was my fault though that I manipulated her into marriage, now its my fault that I didn't give her a second chance. 

I'm going to keep trying.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> Mine wanted to come back. Mostly because I was happy and she was likely miserable. Unfortunately, thats the only reason why. No love, no sorry, just I was happy. She apparently didn't want that.


Right , she don't want you happy , secure , confident etc , she want you lonely , miserable and depressed so she isn't guilty with her decision !

You showed her you're stronger then her and woman in general are attracted to such a guys .

Can you link me to your thread ?

Why exactly you didn't toke her back ?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Solon said:


> LOL...so she wanted to come back to rob you of your happiness. That's funny. Misery does like company.


HA HA HA , Solon you made my day ! You're 1000% right !


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

@bigmacs check PMs for link.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

hope4family said:


> Mine wanted to come back. Mostly because I was happy and she was likely miserable. Unfortunately, thats the only reason why. No love, no sorry, just I was happy. She apparently didn't want that.
> 
> A little more to it then that. I had lost the 13lbs and was slimmer then ever she knew me. I was working out, I was working on myself, I was confident when we met up to swap child. I was generally happy when she was around. This I think, backfired on me. Because when she wanted to come back. It was primarily because she thought she could "get over" how I wronged her. (See my threads.)


See that's interesting. I think when wife's see their husbands they naturally at some point will want them back if they are happy and looking good because they fell in love once upon a time. With me, my wife has said to our pastor, "I don't want to see him because if I do I will want him sexually." So she does not see me at all. She may very well never see me again.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> She will WANT to come back, but will she? Pride is a powerful thing. She may rather live in misery than have to come back home and admit she was wrong for leaving.


my W is very prideful, she may want to prove to me that she can do it on her own w/o my help! 

But I, like Hope4, have lost alot of wieght, i am getting back to the me when i met her, or better. She has taken notice, but the more i work on what i want the better i feel.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> See that's interesting. I think when wife's see their husbands they naturally at some point will want them back if they are happy and looking good because they fell in love once upon a time. With me, my wife has said to our pastor, "I don't want to see him because if I do I will want him sexually." So she does not see me at all. She may very well never see me again.


This is exactly my W too! She refuses to see me because she is still really attracted to me and feels that she would want to come back. 

When she left she purposly told me that she only wants to talk via text, and not see me becsue I would convince her to come home. 

she even mentioned as of latley how good i look. Funny!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> This is exactly my W too! She refuses to see me because she is still really attracted to me and feels that she would want to come back.
> 
> When she left she purposly told me that she only wants to talk via text, and not see me becsue I would convince her to come home.
> 
> she even mentioned as of latley how good i look. Funny!


Wow! Yeah, your wife is coming back.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> This is exactly my W too! She refuses to see me because she is still really attracted to me and feels that she would want to come back.
> 
> When she left she purposly told me that she only wants to talk via text, and not see me becsue I would convince her to come home.
> 
> she even mentioned as of latley how good i look. Funny!


My says that almost every day , but I learned it doesn't mean much except she want me to stay on the Plan B bus .

Don't buy it !


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> Wow! Yeah, your wife is coming back.


I dont know, we barely talk, but she is soo hard headed that i think she is sold on the single mom life. She is able to do whatever she wants w/o me being the voice of reason. She can shop all she wants, go party with her friends, and go out to eat whenever she wants. Then when she has the kids she can be a single mom, and a bussiness owner too. 

SHe is really lost and being selfish right now. Probably trying to make up for time lost. 

that is part of my 180 plan to seriously pull back focus on me, and if she takes notice good if not, hey i am ok with that too, i am CONFIDENT that i will find a better upgraded version of her. :smthumbup:


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> I dont know, we barely talk, but she is soo hard headed that i think she is sold on the single mom life. She is able to do whatever she wants w/o me being the voice of reason. She can shop all she wants, go party with her friends, and go out to eat whenever she wants. Then when she has the kids she can be a single mom, and a bussiness owner too.
> 
> SHe is really lost and being selfish right now. Probably trying to make up for time lost.
> 
> that is part of my 180 plan to seriously pull back focus on me, and if she takes notice good if not, hey i am ok with that too, i am CONFIDENT that i will find a better upgraded version of her. :smthumbup:


Selfishness is a disease that contaminates those around the one has is infected. (that's an original quote )

Sounds like your wife and my wife are in the same place. When you leave a family behind and do not even think of the consequences it will have on your husband, children, and others you are infected with the selfishness bug. My wife is about to be 39 on Dec. 31. I wonder about her. I miss her.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

BigMac said:


> My says that almost every day , but I learned it doesn't mean much except she want me to stay on the Plan B bus .
> 
> Don't buy it !



This. I told my ex-wife that I will not be a plan "b".


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Solon said:


> Selfishness is a disease that contaminates those around the one has is infected. (that's an original quote )
> 
> Sounds like your wife and my wife are in the same place. When you leave a family behind and do not even think of the consequences it will have on your husband, children, and others you are infected with the selfishness bug. *My wife is about to be 39 on Dec. 31. I wonder about her. I miss her*.


Do you miss your wife or do you miss her? As for me, I missed my wife. She was awesome to me. She made mistakes, but when she tried she was so good at it. 

She asked me just before she said she wanted to reconcile if I ever miss her. I told her it was a stupid question, of course I miss my wife. But I miss nothing about YOU.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> Selfishness is a disease that contaminates those around the one has is infected. (that's an original quote )
> 
> Sounds like your wife and my wife are in the same place. When you leave a family behind and do not even think of the consequences it will have on your husband, children, and others you are infected with the selfishness bug. My wife is about to be 39 on Dec. 31. I wonder about her. I miss her.


Mine is 30, (im 34) the crazy thing is that when she filed the papers she was telling me that it was MY selfishness that got us here!

Let me think, i golfed early am's, i enjoyed a drink after work or on the weekends... she partys now with her friends and is getting trashsed, she is shopping like tomorrow may end, and she had her mom buy her a new car!

And i am the selfish one! I refuse to play into her game!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

hope4family said:


> She asked me just before she said she wanted to reconcile if I ever miss her. I told her it was a stupid question, of course I miss my wife. But I miss nothing about YOU.


So hope did you R with your W?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

No, as much in my heart that I love and am committed to this person. My integrity tells me that you shouldn't be with someone who claims that you manipulated them into marriage and that they never loved you. 

/Rant on/ 
How can I ever reconcile, meet her halfway, employ her to be reasonable, argue constructively, and show love and affection? When in her mind, I am no better then a used car salesman. 
/Rant off/


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

hope4family said:


> Do you miss your wife or do you miss her? As for me, I missed my wife. She was awesome to me. She made mistakes, but when she tried she was so good at it.
> 
> She asked me just before she said she wanted to reconcile if I ever miss her. I told her it was a stupid question, of course I miss my wife. But I miss nothing about YOU.


That's an excellent point! I miss my wife. The one who would greet me with a smile, the one who would talk to me and ask me questions and trust me, the one who lay down with me and talk with me on the weekends. I miss my best friend. THIS woman!??! Oh, heck no! I hate this woman that is filing bogus charges against me, ignoring me and my children, irresponsibly avoiding bills (she is going to get killed at tax time), contemplating divorcing me (even though she does not have grounds). No, I do not miss this woman.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

hope4family said:


> No, as much in my heart that I love and am committed to this person. My integrity tells me that you shouldn't be with someone who claims that you manipulated them into marriage and that they never loved you.
> 
> /Rant on/
> How can I ever reconcile, meet her halfway, employ her to be reasonable, argue constructively, and show love and affection? When in her mind, I am no better then a used car salesman.
> /Rant off/


Wow! That probably took a lot of....courage I guess is the online appropriate word to use.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Courage for me, or for her?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

hope4family said:


> Courage for me, or for her?


For you. I am not sure I could deny my wife....as much as I would love to knowing that she is stone crazy. But I want her so badly. It had to take a lot of fortitude I guess is the better word to deny her request to reconcile.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I dont want to say thanks. There is more to it, then just whats been said here. Check my threads out in the private section. 

All in all, the manipulation lie is just that. A lie, to get me to do what she wants. If we reconcile, it must be because she forgave me. Forget everything she put me and her child through.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

hope4family said:


> I dont want to say thanks. There is more to it, then just whats been said here. Check my threads out in the private section.
> 
> All in all, the manipulation lie is just that. A lie, to get me to do what she wants. If we reconcile, it must be because she forgave me. Forget everything she put me and her child through.


I'm with you on that. If my wife comes back she has to ask forgiveness. Not because I feel I'm God or anything, but that will show that she realizes that she has wronged me and the kids. How do you just cut off your family? That is so insane to me. And like you said, she will have to forgive me. We will both have to put those things behind us and move forward to better things, a better marriage. Too bad I cannot talk to my wife. If I could only talk to her, she would be back home. She knows this. That is why she is refusing to talk to me.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Solon said:


> That's an excellent point! I miss my wife. The one who would greet me with a smile, the one who would talk to me and ask me questions and trust me, the one who lay down with me and talk with me on the weekends. I miss my best friend. THIS woman!??! Oh, heck no! I hate this woman that is filing bogus charges against me, ignoring me and my children, irresponsibly avoiding bills (she is going to get killed at tax time), contemplating divorcing me (even though she does not have grounds). No, I do not miss this woman.


Thats a great point, i miss my shy lovely, do her best for me and the kids wife, BUT she is currently someone that treats me like sh*t, palms the kids off to out partying, bad mouths me to all


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I too miss living in a delusion.

Life was a lot easier when I pretended to be happy when I was miserable.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

hope4family said:


> This. I told my ex-wife that I will not be a plan "b".



I did it too , she say she don't need Plan B and so I'm not as such.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

UpnOver there is nothing wrong with remembering the good times. I was married in a very short span of time. But some of the people here have been married 5x as long as I was. Got to be some memories in there if being happy and content. Probably not. I am over the "romanticizing" period myself. 

My ex-wife did a great job of destroying every single happy memory I had with her.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

BigMac said:


> I did it too , she say she don't need Plan B and so I'm not as such.


Mine didn't respond. *sigh*


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I learned here not to really believe what they say . So yeah whatever she says ... and it is obvious she didn't want me to know I'm the Plan B , God forbid I'll change my mind ... !


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

HiRoad said:


> I have been reading on here from so many TAMer's about how thier W walk out either to be selfish and live the single life or for a PosOM. Leaving a trail of destruction, hurt families, children, and friends deveastated.
> 
> However, it seems that when the H takes the right steps (180, no contact, etc.) it gets thier attention. But does the WAW come back? The bigger question may be will the H take them back? It seems that once we see from 50k feet we do not like the person the WAW is and R is not possible.
> 
> ...


Yes. Read my thread. My wife made a COMPLETE turnaround, and is now so much more the wife than I ever could wish. We have re-connected on a level I would never have believed, a year ago. It does happen...listen to the advice on this site....it is stellar!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

DailyGrind said:


> Yes. Read my thread. My wife made a COMPLETE turnaround, and is now so much more the wife than I ever could wish. We have re-connected on a level I would never have believed, a year ago. It does happen...listen to the advice on this site....it is stellar!


How do you find your thread?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> I'm with you on that. If my wife comes back she has to ask forgiveness. Not because I feel I'm God or anything, but that will show that she realizes that she has wronged me and the kids. How do you just cut off your family? That is so insane to me. And like you said, she will have to forgive me. We will both have to put those things behind us and move forward to better things, a better marriage. Too bad I cannot talk to my wife. If I could only talk to her, she would be back home. She knows this. That is why she is refusing to talk to me.


Could not agree with this more Solon, this is exactly how i feel. I had a conversations with a female friend last nite at dinner, and she stuck it out with her H that has ADHD. 

She said there were times that she wanted to leave because he would not go to the Dr. but since she stuck it out and he eventually went, they feel like there starting a new relationship.

I feel that my W will not talk and or listen to me for this is exact reason, because I am the voice of reason and rationalization. My therapist and I, yesterday, both agreed that her leaving, or coming back, needs to be 100% her decision and she needs to realize on her own what she has done/doing.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

The only gift hope delivers is misery.

Whether or not your x/stbx returns matters not how much you stare at the phone tensed up in anticipation and goodness.

Gambling on a machine that is already rigged against you is a certain sign of addiction; and not the laissez faire young cad you once were.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

UDPATE:

We had a text conversation that was really long, business only though, about xmas. Essentially, we agreed that it is about the kids, we come second. So she will have them xmas eve, then dropp them off late that night, so i have them xmas morning, then i will get them to her xmas afternoon.

What is wierd in all the text conversations, she would tell me what she was doing. Like for example setting a day aside in the week to go to her grndparnets so the kids could get to know them, b/c they are getting old?

And that she remebers her parents split and how hard that was for her, and she wants to make hers different for the kids. A better split???huh

I am starting to think she is suffering from either a depression of sorts or she is starting to feel the guilt and remorse of her decisions.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> UDPATE:
> 
> We had a text conversation that was really long, business only though, about xmas. Essentially, we agreed that it is about the kids, we come second. So she will have them xmas eve, then dropp them off late that night, so i have them xmas morning, then i will get them to her xmas afternoon.
> 
> ...


You can read anything you want to in between the lines.

Don't do it.

Watch her actions.

Keep observing.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

spun said:


> You can read anything you want to in between the lines.
> 
> Don't do it.
> 
> ...


Familyfirst was suggesting me talk to her, i am unsure about that. see below, page 3.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62644-what-do-w-walk-away-wife-3.html


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Familyfirst was suggesting me talk to her, i am unsure about that. see below, page 3.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62644-what-do-w-walk-away-wife-3.html


Ever tried to rationalize with a five year old girl?

That's what your dealing with here. She's an emotional child.

You can't rationalize or "nice" your way out of this.

She needs to come to you.

Work on you. 

Stay on the 180.

Be happy, but detached when around her.

And, keep observing.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> UDPATE:
> 
> We had a text conversation that was really long, business only though, about xmas. Essentially, we agreed that it is about the kids, we come second. So she will have them xmas eve, then dropp them off late that night, so i have them xmas morning, then i will get them to her xmas afternoon.
> 
> ...


Maybe she loves the kids even though she doesn't love you? 

Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

She's gone. Accept it, move on.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks Spun, yes i know stay on 180 and NC. But why does it sometimes feel wrong? Why do i have this feeling that i need to "rescue" her from all this?

Caladan, yes i am sure she loves the kids, but her actions make me question if she really is thinking about thier future. How can you provide for them is you are being selfish?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

She's made that choice for you. Why does it matter? She's looking out for herself - that's the way she's rationalizing things at the current moment. It's your job now to be your children's rock. Give them the best life you can possibly give them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Regroup, yes she did "make that choice" for me and the kids, selfishly! It is funny, she said that she is "doing this for herself".. .

As far as the kids are concerned i am giving them the best of me and of my time with them that i can. I am going house hunting soon to get them some stability. 

STBXW is no where near even supporting herself on her own. Her spendging habits are outa of whack.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

If what you're saying is true - then you're well ahead of the game my man. Good work.
What are you going to do when her eventual crash occurs?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> If what you're saying is true - then you're well ahead of the game my man. Good work.
> What are you going to do when her eventual crash occurs?


I dont know. Really. Since i have been in NC/LC with her for almost two months now. It seems we are getting further apart.
She stopped sending my photos of the kids, or updates, that is why I sometimes think that i need to open the lines of communication a bit. 

It FEELS wrong to not talk to her about our failed M, but rationalization tells me that it has to be up to her to fix both herself and the M.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

She knows how you feel HiR. If she's anything like my stbx, she does NOT want to talk about it. It's still too soon. You will know when the time comes, if it comes to talk about it. Right now you're split, right? So there's no need for it. 

Let her come to you, and if she does, ease into the talks. But that should be the time to talk about it. Right now you worry about you. 

Let her come to you.

After reading it again, sure, talk to her.> BUT no "us" talk. Unless she brings it up, and then be sure to think about it.. ask yourself "Is this the right time to talk about it?"

If you're missing the texts and photos of the kids, talk about that imo.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks, DW76, sometimes i need to hear that from someone else who is going throught the same things. 

Maybe, just maybe, I will reach out before xmas, as i know it will be tuff for her, but more than likely I will not reach out till after xmas.

I would prefer her to come to me, but, as of right know she is still talking about mediation for Jan.

I will keep you all posted about fridays xmas party for the kids.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I reread this thread i started.

To think that the posOM was in the picture the whole time, it makes alot of sense why she was acting the way she was.

B/C posOM was probably in the picture.

She was prob hiding it from me the whole time.

i have a pic of him and her at FILs xmas party on 12/14, fvcking disgusting my FIL would condone her behavior.

She is a piece of work, boy was i hanging on to hope.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I wonder if I should ask her was she ever planning on telling me about the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She's the OM's problem now!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

It was all for affection and a PA too... since she was not getting what she wanted physically she went looking somewhere else for it. Selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Uh NOPE! Stop looking for reasons to justify this as being your fault. There are wives out there who would rather materbate than cheat and destroy their marriages. 

Your wife cheated on you, not because you did something, she cheated or HAS BEEN CHEATING THIS WHOLE TIME because she has severe problems with her self-esteem and issues with how she was raised. She hated you for loving her because everyone in her life leaves her or will. YOU CANNOT RESCUE HER! She will cheat on you again and again and again just like she will with her new Mr. Fantastic when she's telling him how you were a jerk but he's perfect. 

She's crazy, you're free, stop beating yourself up for being the good husband you were and go to therapy before her blame game kills you! You're going to find a better woman out there, there are better women out there in your place who want what you have to offer! You just gotta kick crazy to the curb first and get yourself well enough to go looking for them.

Check out shrink4men.com and read as much as you can from men and women with similar stories. You find these exact same women in every case!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I understand nsweet.. what is crazy is for years we had a great sex life. Then once stress was introduced it of course was strained. I dont blame myself. I blame her.. shame on her for being selfish and ruining her kids lives. She is a poltergeist. I cant wait to find that women. I know o have alot to offer.

And thank you... i just cant believe that she did it.

All for a piece of a$$. Hope it was worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry. That has to be so painful. Women like that make it hard for all women.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> I understand nsweet.. what is crazy is for years we had a great sex life. Then once stress was introduced it of course was strained. I dont blame myself. I blame her.. shame on her for being selfish and ruining her kids lives. She is a poltergeist. I cant wait to find that women. I know o have alot to offer.
> 
> And thank you... i just cant believe that she did it.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, but that has to be the funniest line of the year: "she is a poltergeist". :rofl: Wow!

Hang in, there HiRoad. From what I hear, reality always drops in on them and they realize what they left behind. She will come to a point where she loves you more than she did when you first met. Keep taking the high road.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon! How are you? I just try to tell it as i see it!! She may come back but until then i paid my retainer to a cutthroat ypung female lawyer who eats up WAWs

She has no idea i have been documenting everything and have all her bank statements

She is going down
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Solon! How are you? I just try to tell it as i see it!! She may come back but until then i paid my retainer to a cutthroat ypung female lawyer who eats up WAWs
> 
> She has no idea i have been documenting everything and have all her bank statements
> 
> ...


It sounds like you have a lot of information to bring her down. I am not sure WAWs realize the type of embarrassment they open themselves up to when their case goes to court. You have a right to all communications between her and her boyfriend and can depose him, his friends, her friends, e-mail, etc. It can get ugly.

Hang in there. I know it is hard, but hang in there. See yourself in the future, how happy you are. You'll get there.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Solon said:


> I'm sorry, but that has to be the funniest line of the year: "she is a poltergeist". :rofl: Wow!
> 
> Hang in, there HiRoad. From what I hear, reality always drops in on them and they realize what they left behind. She will come to a point where she loves you more than she did when you first met. Keep taking the high road.



Brother Solon and HiRoad - Happy New year to both of you and I pray that this new year should bring you a lot of unexpected happiness.

Solon - Its been long brother, I'll call you soon to catch up but what happened to the violation of the order? Did you get it dismissed and what is the update on your side of the story?

HiRoad - I've always read all your posts and I feel your pain when you say 'how could she leave 2 kids under 4' just to have fun. It is so weird and these women should be hanged when they committ adultary b/c they have no right to kill a family with kids.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> Brother Solon and HiRoad - Happy New year to both of you and I pray that this new year should bring you a lot of unexpected happiness.
> 
> Solon - Its been long brother, I'll call you soon to catch up but what happened to the violation of the order? Did you get it dismissed and what is the update on your side of the story?
> 
> HiRoad - I've always read all your posts and I feel your pain when you say 'how could she leave 2 kids under 4' just to have fun. It is so weird and these women should be hanged when they committ adultary b/c they have no right to kill a family with kids.


Zappy! How are you, Man? Happy New Year to you too.

I have court on next Wed., but it is just a prelim. inquiry. They will give us the actual trial date on that day. I am 100% certain it will get dismissed. Other than that, I have not had any contact with her whatsoever. As of today, nothing has been filed as way of a divorce and I have not filed anything. So we are just sitting around waiting, pretending as though we never met, much less are married. Some days I am in awe. Some days I am much better. Life is going on and each day I realize how much I have to be thankful for, despite my wife's abnormal behavior. Whatever she decides to do, I am prepared to react. I believe everything is going to work out just fine.

How are you? Are you all reconciled?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon. - i have a few things on her. The last 4 weekends she has had kids she has left kids with either MIL or SIL. Also he has only seen them 3 days in the last 2.5wks. Showed up xmas day half drunk to pick up kids. Then left to vegas on NYE w/o telling me with GFs and posOM and was planning on leaving kids with MIL. Then she shows up late to pick up kids... and lies lies lies.


Zappy - how are? Hope god has blessed you with a better new year
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Solon said:


> Zappy! How are you, Man? Happy New Year to you too.
> 
> I have court on next Wed., but it is just a prelim. inquiry. They will give us the actual trial date on that day. I am 100% certain it will get dismissed. Other than that, I have not had any contact with her whatsoever. As of today, nothing has been filed as way of a divorce and I have not filed anything. So we are just sitting around waiting, pretending as though we never met, much less are married. Some days I am in awe. Some days I am much better. Life is going on and each day I realize how much I have to be thankful for, despite my wife's abnormal behavior. Whatever she decides to do, I am prepared to react. I believe everything is going to work out just fine.
> 
> How are you? Are you all reconciled?



Solon - I've no idea where my Divorce situation stands. I got to know that my wife was in India from Dec 6 to Dec 27 and got back to US on Dec 28.
I haven't had any contact with her since last 6 months. I've no idea in which world she is living or what she is upto, but I'm positive she will file for Divorce this month as its been exact 6 months that we have been separated.

I only wish and pray to God she should repent what she has done so so so hard that she should come back and then it should be up to me whether to take her back or not.

I was in Miami visting a friend from Dec 21 to Jan 2 and just got back yesterday, it was so much fun, I loved it there. Drove 20 hours each way just to get there as flying was real expensive.

How was your New Years Eve? Lets plan to catch up soon, I know this weekend is pretty cold but may be next weekend?

Zappy


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Solon said:


> Zappy! How are you, Man? Happy New Year to you too.
> 
> I have court on next Wed., but it is just a prelim. inquiry. They will give us the actual trial date on that day. I am 100% certain it will get dismissed. Other than that, I have not had any contact with her whatsoever. As of today, nothing has been filed as way of a divorce and I have not filed anything. So we are just sitting around waiting, pretending as though we never met, much less are married. Some days I am in awe. Some days I am much better. Life is going on and each day I realize how much I have to be thankful for, despite my wife's abnormal behavior. Whatever she decides to do, I am prepared to react. I believe everything is going to work out just fine.
> 
> How are you? Are you all reconciled?


Solon - Is she (your wife) still influenced by that coach who advised her to sever all ties with you. Did you even see her lately, or she ever called?

Zappy


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> Solon - Is she (your wife) still influenced by that coach who advised her to sever all ties with you. Did you even see her lately, or she ever called?
> 
> Zappy


No, she has not called and I have not seen her. New Year's Eve was tough. Her birthday is NYE, so I was really missing her. We have always done something special for her birthday/NYE so not being with her this year.....yeah, it was rough. But I played monopoly with the kids and some friends, so I made it through. My bday is next week, so once I get over that, I should be okay.

She has left me with all the financial responsibilities so I am starting to feel that. At some point, she is going to have to pay for her share of the bills that she is ignoring now. She may be reading this so, who knows, so maybe she will step up and be responsible.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Just left court, did not file mediation yet, the court still offers a free finish you divorce clinic.

Going to talk to lawyer today about what my plan should be. 

Obviouysly the kids are my #1 concern, then the child support, and the debt.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Solon - When is your birthday? May we can meet that weekend?


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