# What are the good/tough questions to ask?



## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

I know the question of why never gets answered but I'm curious what other good, tough questions BS have asked their WS to get some answers or help with closure.

As background, my WS got really drunk 2 mo ago and made out with a random guy. Nothing else happened as I walked in and he was only gone for a few minutes. We are doing better but I still get the bad thoughts. Also continued question of 'why' keeps coming up. She has answered every question of mine truthfully and fully. She feels very guilty and remorseful.. I'm just wondering any advice about some good, tough questions I should be asking to help us move forward in a positive way. I'm sure some here would have good advice. Guess I want to R and want closure. And no I'm not worried about past hook ups by her as nothing has ever happened in the past.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I wasn't worried about past cheating either: Till I found it out. I was 99.9% sure there wasn't more. (There was.) The type of person who would make out with a random stranger is the type that has a LOT of past infidelity. I'd think this warrants a facebook/phone/txt/email/computer search. 

I'm not saying there is, just don't be surprised if you find it. 

If she wants to stay with you, ask her to be transparent. Ask her if that was actually a random guy. Ask her if she loved you, why she would endanger your relationship. 

Being drunk is no excuse. I've been to the point of barfing in a garbage can but still turned down a hottie. (good thing too, that would have been awkward!)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mack25 said:


> ...She has answered every question of mine truthfully and fully. She feels very guilty and remorseful...


Mack, you have not rug-swept this incident. You have addressed the issues with her and if the quote above is correct then stop beating yourself up. There's not much more you can do except to address the alcohol intake ( that's what allowed her to loosen her defenses right?)

Yeah, she was disrespectful and acted on impulse when coaxed by the OM-playboy. The good news for her was that you were there to put an exclamation mark on that. 

It's been a few months - keep addressing underlying issues with MC - hope you're not badgering her - she seems to be beating herself up as is. Kudos for protecting your family!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My experience shows that women do not make out with random guys that just happen to leave just before you show up. 
My wife gave me the drunk random guy story for about 6 months til I cracked her. She spilled it that it was a guy she worked with but they didn't have sex. 6 months later I was to find out they screwed like rabbits. Dude, you best find out who she works with because if she's real remorseful it's very possible she went a lot farther than you know. This all went on during lies with us both at MC.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mack25 said:


> She has answered every question of mine truthfully and fully.


No way. Sorry man. Not happening.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Good questions would be.
How long have you known this guy?
What's his name?
Where does live?
Where does he work?
Is he on Facebook? Lets look him up.
What's your passwords? Transparentcy.
Let's go through your email.
I'm going to get phone records of all your texts.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

There is just too many holes in this story. A woman who is brazen enough to go to the back room with a stranger and make-out with him while her husband is in the next room simply does not make sense. I don't care how drunk she is.

The ability of her to do this without any fear with her husband in the next room speaks volumes. I am sorry my friend but this strongly indicates that this is not her first rodeo. It is just the first that you know of. 

I know this is killing you but her story simply does not make sense and you know this is true. No matter what questions you ask you know she will never tell you the truth. 

Have you thought about having her go under hypnosis with a trained therapist? If the roles were reversed I am sure that your wife would not believe such a story from you. I am so sorry for your humiliation. You know that there has to be more to this story. Good luck.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> My experience shows that women do not make out with random guys that just happen to leave just before you show up.
> My wife gave me the drunk random guy story for about 6 months til I cracked her. She spilled it that it was a guy she worked with but they didn't have sex. 6 months later I was to find out they screwed like rabbits. Dude, you best find out who she works with because if she's real remorseful it's very possible she went a lot farther than you know. This all went on during lies with us both at MC.


This actually was a random person who lives in another country. Neither of us would even recognize him if we walked by him in the street. Maybe his face has healed after I punched him


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

Good questions would be.
How long have you known this guy? About 3 hours
What's his name? She know it but I can't remember and ont want to
Where does live? Canada
Where does he work? No clue

Is he on Facebook? Lets look him up.n I have full access to her FB account

What's your passwords? Transparentcy. I have email and phone access
Let's go through your email. Have done that

I'm going to get phone records of all your texts. Have done that


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mack25 said:


> This actually was a random person who lives in another country. Neither of us would even recognize him if we walked by him in the street. * Maybe his face has healed after I punched him*


I know it's not PC to advocate violence but ummm yeah :smthumbup:


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lie detector test?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

How did you confirm that he lives in Canada?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ya she made out with someone and she does remember his name. 
You know in your gut that's horses***.
She knows him well. Shes afraid you will hurt him. Believe me when I tell you this.. She has not come clean. Yet. 
Do not let her go out without you. 
I'd bet 100 he works with her. Keep the monitoring going protect your marriage.
When the truth comes out and it will. Keep your cool and take your time making life changing decisions.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Do your Spidey senses tingle when she tells the "truth"? I'm asking because my wife swore on everything that is holy in the beginning. THEN I knew the truth when I confronted her again. And THEN...I knew the truth. Except my Spidey senses still tingled. So, after 6 months of knowing the truth, I finally got the truth. Am I 100% convinced? I am to the degree that my Spidey senses no longer tingle.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

Good questions would be.
How long have you known this guy? About 3 hours
What's his name? She know it but I can't remember and ont want to
Where does live? Canada
Where does he work? No clue

Is he on Facebook? Lets look him up.n I have full access to her FB account

What's your passwords? Transparentcy. I have email and phone access
Let's go through your email. Have done that

I'm going to get phone records of all your texts. Have done that


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Do your Spidey senses tingle when she tells the "truth"? I'm asking because my wife swore on everything that is holy in the beginning. THEN I knew the truth when I confronted her again. And THEN...I knew the truth. Except my Spidey senses still tingled. So, after 6 months of knowing the truth, I finally got the truth. Am I 100% convinced? I am to the degree that my Spidey senses no longer tingle.


This is right. A WS will lie. Swear on all that's holy. Lie again. Lie again. It's called the fog. Like me you may never know the whole truth. But your still a long way from it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If she won't/can't tell you why---MAKE HER TELL YOU WHAT SHE WAS THINKING---she sure as he*l has to know what her thoughts were---cuz no matter what, we DO have to think about what we are doing, your thots are what cause you to act---so she knows what her thots were------her lips didn't just magically meet the other mans lips----THERE WAS THOUGHT BEHIND IT TO PERFORM THE ACT

Why did she get so drunk, that she couldn't control herself---and if that is happening---why have you not put in a boundary in re:---HER NOT DRINKING ANYMORE----as she can't be trusted when she does drink

You tell us, what were the circumstances, that led to all of this---where was she, that her and he were together---what was she doing in that situation, was it planned, or something out of the blue---what were the circumstances, that put her in that situation

Did this guy turn her on----by just looking at him, did she want him so badly---she would willingly destroy her mge

Did she know you were coming, is that why the liplocking ended---or did she realize she was messing up, and stop it herself-----SHE KNOWS WHAT WENT ON---MAKE HER TELL YOU ABOUT IT----even if you have to lead her step by step, to get the answers

Also you better believe that she might have/could have cheated on you other times---a whole lot MORE CHEATING GOES UNDETECTED---than goes detected

She seemingly had no trouble making out with him---WHY IS THAT---ASK THE QUESTION JUST THAT WAY---she knows the answer----and do not let her slide out under the guise of she was to drunk to know----she knows exactly what she was doing----from beginning to end!!!!!!!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My money's on sex went down.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> My money's on sex went down.


You are a very bitter person, hope you are working on that.

There is zero chance that sex went down given she was in a back hallway in a house, was only gone for 5 minutes, and fully clothed when discovered. The only other thing that could have happened is grouping outside clothes


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

Not even about the questions, you need to show her actions/consequences. 

I know your having a postnup drawn, what else are you doing?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

mack25 said:


> You are a very bitter person, hope you are working on that.
> 
> There is zero chance that sex went down given she was in a back hallway in a house, was only gone for 5 minutes, and fully clothed when discovered. The only other thing that could have happened is grouping outside clothes


She just met the guy and was out with you. Do not make any mistake, what happens if you are not there.

The fact she can not say why means it can happen again. Drinking help her do it, it did not make her do it.

You need to find the reason behind.

I would worry more about the future as she is unhappy about something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

mack25 said:


> There is zero chance that sex went down given she was in a back hallway in a house, was only gone for 5 minutes, and fully clothed when discovered. The only other thing that could have happened is grouping outside clothes


Did she elaborate how exactly it did happen then? Random guy you haven't ever met before, your wife [....] making out in another room. What has happened in [....] part?

I mean they still had to communicate somehow. What could be that thing that took your wife 0 to 60 in under 10 seconds?

I hope you see what I mean here. Many here are skeptical they are totally unfamiliar and it's the first time your wife does things like that.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mack25 said:


> You are a very bitter person, hope you are working on that.
> 
> There is zero chance that sex went down given she was in a back hallway in a house, was only gone for 5 minutes, and fully clothed when discovered. The only other thing that could have happened is grouping outside clothes


You didn't say that. I'm not bitter. I'm realistic.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't think it's about questioning her,

She gets drunk enough to make out with a random guy ( which by the way I don't really buy) I would worry about how much she is drinking to get to "that" point. 
When you left for the 5 minutes was she that drunk? If so why did you leave her? If she seemed ok, well then you know being drunk is an excuse.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mack25 said:


> *I know the question of why never gets answered* but I'm curious what other good, tough questions BS have asked their WS to get some answers or help with closure.
> 
> As background, my WS got really drunk 2 mo ago and made out with a random guy. Nothing else happened as I walked in and he was only gone for a few minutes. We are doing better but I still get the bad thoughts. *Also continued question of 'why' keeps coming up.* She has answered every question of mine truthfully and fully. She feels very guilty and remorseful.. *I'm just wondering any advice about some good, tough questions I should be asking to help us move forward in a positive way.* I'm sure some here would have good advice. *Guess I want to R and want closure.* And no I'm not worried about past hook ups by her as nothing has ever happened in the past.


Dear mack25,

Your post is very confusing, which is probably why you're not getting much help (that and the fact that most responders have probably not read your original thread and therefore don't know your story).

You say she has answered every question "truthfully and fully" but indicate she has not told you "why." So she hasn't answered every question, right? And how do you know that she is being truthful, has she taken a polygraph test?

Why do you think asking "good, tough questions" will help you "move forward in a positive way"? You say that the two of you "are doing better" so what's the problem?

You say you "guess" you want to reconcile. Does that mean you are undecided and, if so, why?

If you give us more information, maybe we can be more helpful.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree with Carmen Ohio, it seems like you want to move on but your gut, is telling you there is more and you can't let it go. Which is common by the way and unfortunately if this is the case, you are probably right.

One last thought, how was she acting afterward do you think it may be possible that this guy put something in her drink?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would ask how fast she can pack and move out? In case you make the decision to go that route.

Just so I'm clear, the one and only time your wife has ever made out with a guy... happened to be some random stranger, while you were present? That was her first and only time?

That is really hard to believe. My ex-ww only admitted to what she could not deny, and then only when she could not deny it.

I'd ask her to take a polygraph.


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