# Now I'm Frumpy!!!!!!!!



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Hubby and I have been having problems for a while. We both have gotten into a rut and life is very boring. I feel that I am waiting for life to start. Last night I asked him if I had lost my sex appeal and after much pushing he said I am frumpy and yes I had lost my appeal. I tried to ask what he meant but all he could say was "ugg boots arn't sexy". Ok so maybe I have been dressing for comfort but even when I do make an effort he doesn't notice. Come on guys I need some advice. Do I have to dress up 24/7 or am I allowed down time at the end of the day and when it's cold???? He also said that I talk to much and nag to much. I don't think so. I'm nowhere near as bad as my sister and mother. Again I tried to push him but he couldn't give me an answer as to what he wanted me to do. Yes I do try to have discussions with him about us but because he won't responed I have to keep asking and hence he thinks I'm nagging. 

I explained to him that I see our current relationship as a dead decaying horse which I am trying to push and drag up a steep hill, that is how much effort I am putting into this. I asked him for a visual representation of how he see's things and his response "a donkey, its smaller than a horse" what the bloody hell does that mean. Help please xx


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is frumpy a code word for overweight? Seriously, if a woman is attractive who cares if she wears boots? How long have you been together and how long married? Kids?




SashaJ said:


> Hubby and I have been having problems for a while. We both have gotten into a rut and life is very boring. I feel that I am waiting for life to start. Last night I asked him if I had lost my sex appeal and after much pushing he said I am frumpy and yes I had lost my appeal. I tried to ask what he meant but all he could say was "ugg boots arn't sexy". Ok so maybe I have been dressing for comfort but even when I do make an effort he doesn't notice. Come on guys I need some advice. Do I have to dress up 24/7 or am I allowed down time at the end of the day and when it's cold???? He also said that I talk to much and nag to much. I don't think so. I'm nowhere near as bad as my sister and mother. Again I tried to push him but he couldn't give me an answer as to what he wanted me to do. Yes I do try to have discussions with him about us but because he won't responed I have to keep asking and hence he thinks I'm nagging.
> 
> I explained to him that I see our current relationship as a dead decaying horse which I am trying to push and drag up a steep hill, that is how much effort I am putting into this. I asked him for a visual representation of how he see's things and his response "a donkey, its smaller than a horse" what the bloody hell does that mean. Help please xx


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

We just had our 10th wedding annerversary. I can't say celebrated cause he didn't do anything, just another day to him, it still hurts. No we don't have kids and yes I have put on some weight but I am by no means huge, size 16 so average. I do look after myself. Go to the gym, get my nails done, wear makeup, colour my hair. I'm only 38 and haven't given up on myself yet.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Would you mind posting a picture? It's hard to know if you are "frumpy" or not without seeing a pic.

Maybe we could suggest a make-over of some kind if needed.

When I think of "frumpy" I think of about 50 pounds overweight, wearing a housecoat, no make-up, hair short (the ol' the ring goes on, the hair comes off problem), and just sort of "being mom."

There is also the "carb face" I call it - when you fatten up on carbs and your cheeks get kinda fat and puffy and wide.

I am trying to think of a frumpy actress. . .hard call because Hollywood is so focused on beauty. George Costanzo's mom on Seinfeld (who was a stitch, I admit). Perhaps Roseann Barr. That's frumpy to me, I guess, although frumpy is also kind of a demeanor as well as a look.

Not very tactful what he said but it's hard to discern from here if there's truth behind what he's saying or not.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh yes, BTW, you are allowed to dress down. 

I love a woman who is wearing sweats and a t-shirt and has her hair in a pony-tail at the end of the day.

That's totally fine - dressing down.

I am not sure what boots has to do with the price of tea in China.

I don't mind boots, especially if they are black and that's all she's wearing


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Trust me, what you just described doesn't describe me...my hair is short but it's styled nice, hubby would like it shorter. Not sure about the photo though.... will think about it.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You could walk around in stilettos, a thong and nipple clamps and he would still call you frumpy and blame you for his unhappiness. Until he is able to tell you exactly what he is unhappy about, you will get nowhere. 
Are you two able to get in to counseling?


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

lol...there not just boots there Ugg boots... you know lambs wool, comfortable, sloop around in....I do have the other boots to that I wear at times


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Oh and thats size 16 Australian, not sure what that is in other parts of the world, Average, 10kg over weight.


----------



## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm Aussie, and size 16 is definitely not a huge size! I'd say it is pretty average.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

FYI Size 16 AU is size 12 in the USA... which is the smaller end of women's size Large. 

SashaJ I'm speaking here as a female person, but here's what I see. 

You asked him if you've lost your sex appeal and he answered you...and you argued with him about it. 

You asked him if you nag and he answered you...and you argued with him about it. 

If I were in his shoes, the very next thought in my head would be "What's the point of answering and telling her the truth? She just argues with me about it." Is that the kind of relationship you want to encourage with your husband? Because he stuck his neck WAAAAAAAAAY out to tell you he thinks you've lost our sex appeal, and he's trying to tell you what it is that is missing FOR HIM...in his opinion, not yours. 

I also have to admit, that if my Dear Hubby gained weight, wore Uggs around the house and "dressed for comfort" it would be about as appealing as Carl from Aqua Teen Hungerforce: 









I think what concerns me the most is that your hubby has made a real attempt to communicate with you that there are a few major needs he has that you are not meeting, and whether you like it or not, one need men have is attractiveness. I don't suspect he wants you in your F*Me pumps every day so much as something that fits you well, looks a little feminine and pretty, do a little something with your hair to make it pretty, and possibly a little daily makeup. So rather than being all upset that he was honest with you, I'd suggest that you take his words to heart! There are women at his office or school who *DO* take the time to look a little bit nice every day, and it doesn't have to be amazing...just consistently looking pretty nice. 

As an example, I'm not saying I'm perfect but I do something with my hair every day (and I have extremely long hair down to...I can sit on it!). I don't usually wear make up, but I do put on his favorite perfume (Patchouli). He likes long flowy skirts, so when I go to work I'll wear them with a sleeveless top in a fabric that is soft and feels good and that I can move in. In the winter, I do wear pants or jeans, but I have beaded tops to go with them, or vests so that I have that layered looks (tee, vest, sweater). Then underneath I'll wear a REALLY red lacy bra or let him peek and then wear "normal" clothes over the top all day. The only time I ever wear sweats is Sunday afternoon when we watch NFL football games together, and then I don my football jersey, sweats, sneakers and look all "sporty." 

I understand it's hard to hear, but really he has done you a HUGE favor! He told you right out loud that this is an issue. So now you can choose if you'd rather continue being angry and harm your marriage, or if you'd rather set aside your anger and actually work on fixing something on your side of the marriage issues.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Good advice from Affaircare.

And don't cut the hair off if he suggests - just put it up in a bun.

Oh, I love hair up. . .so damn sexy. . .I love the nape of a woman's neck. . .I could just bite it!


----------



## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Here is my advice to you: Look as good as you can, instead of talking or nagging put that energy into working out.....make some new workout friends and become desired by others. Make the most of what ya got and enjoy every minute of it!!!

I wish you all the best : )


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

And what exactly is wrong with the cartoon that Affaircare posted? Don't women go crazy for that kind of look?


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Hey... I'm not arguing with him. I just would like him to explain what he means. Making a sweeping statement of "your frumpy" doesn't give me any guidence as to what I can change. I do wear makeup on a daily basis and I do wash and blowdry my hair everyday. For work I wear pants and a work top with sensible shoes cause I am on my feet all day. So over all I don't understand what his issue is. If it is my weight, then why not come out and dsay that. He doesn't like my ugg boots but if thats the case let me go out and buy some comfortable, warm house shoes. But at least give me a clue.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"tried to ask what he meant but all he could say was "ugg boots arn't sexy". Ok so maybe I have been dressing for comfort but even when I do make an effort he doesn't notice. Come on guys I need some advice. Do I have to dress up 24/7 or am I allowed down time at the end of the day and when it's cold???? He also said that I talk to much and nag to much. I don't think so. I'm nowhere near as bad as my sister and mother. Again I tried to push him but he couldn't give me an answer as to what he wanted me to do."

You see a pattern here? You asked and he answered but you don't accept the answers. You then lament that he doesn't give you answers. He gives you answers quite clearly, just not the ones you want or agree with. If your husband finds ugg boots unappealing and you want to appear more attractive to him, ditch the boots. What could be easier? You're "nowhere near as bad as mother or sister?" What??? He didn't marry your mother or sister, so your point is irrelevant. He says you talk too much and nag too much. You disagree but it doesn't matter. He expressed an opinion. Right or wrong, it's the way he sees you and if you want to change his opinion of you, you have to start by accepting that he accurately and honestly described the way he sees you. The object in question is whether you nag or talk too much and you honestly believe argument and debate will change his opinion?? Seems like that approach would only reenforce what he already believes. The true question here is not "what does my husband think?" The real question is, "do I care what my husband thinks?"


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Ok point taken...I guess the real question and issue is can we find common ground or is it time to call it quits. See this isn't a new thing. He has been unattracted to me for a long time, but doesn't want to discuss and deal with. I have finally got us into councilling but every opportunity he avoids it. If I truely believed that getting rid of the boots would fix things then yes I would get rid of them but the issues are deeper and that is what we need to deal with but I can't get him to discuss it. I do care what hubby thinks and I do care for the marriage but how long do I have to wait for things to fix themselves. I was bought up with the notion that problems don't fix themselves and marriages need consistant care and work to survive. I'm willing and want to but I keep getting deflections from hubby. So no, I don't like his answers cause they arn't the real ones.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just my opinion here.

when I was a young guy it was all about looks.but as I aged and matured it became all about attitude. Being sexy is attitude.Confident willing, playful, flittaious,desirous.

also your attitude in everyday life is also important. my wife tends to look at everything negative complaining about the smallest stuff and nothing ever seems good enough(a real mood killer).any sugestion from me is met with a battery of negative questions and I have to force the issue to get my way. Which is often liked by her after she has tried it for a while. But rarly thanked for it.

Don't get me wrong letting your self go to far and all the sexy attitude in the world won't cut it.But most guys are reasonable with a little extra weight. 


With all that said some people are just selfish controling beasts. and theres not much you can do if hes one of them.

after reading that last line it sounds kind of harsh. 

never imagined marriage being so complicated and work.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As a guy - I will tell you I don't think this is "you". I think he needs to say "this is exactly what I want". And he has chosen NOT to do that for a long time which is unfair to you. 






SashaJ said:


> Ok point taken...I guess the real question and issue is can we find common ground or is it time to call it quits. See this isn't a new thing. He has been unattracted to me for a long time, but doesn't want to discuss and deal with. I have finally got us into councilling but every opportunity he avoids it. If I truely believed that getting rid of the boots would fix things then yes I would get rid of them but the issues are deeper and that is what we need to deal with but I can't get him to discuss it. I do care what hubby thinks and I do care for the marriage but how long do I have to wait for things to fix themselves. I was bought up with the notion that problems don't fix themselves and marriages need consistant care and work to survive. I'm willing and want to but I keep getting deflections from hubby. So no, I don't like his answers cause they arn't the real ones.


----------



## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Tell him you want him to take you shopping. Let him pick out the clothes and shoes. Have fun


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not sure what a pair of "ugg" boots costs but if I seriously valued my spouse's opinion or just wished to toss him a bone to prove I was interested, I would have tossed them. I see you still have them. It would seem to be a very tiny concession. I'm just curious why you haven't. Things don't "fix themselves".


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> And what exactly is wrong with the cartoon that Affaircare posted? Don't women go crazy for that kind of look?


God, I hope so!


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

So I asked him...If i get rid of the boots would that fix the problems...he admitted no. So its not the boots. Then I asked again about the frumpy comment. He says that we have different idea's as to what frumpy means. He believes it means PLAIN. Again no explaination, no ideas how to fix this, just plain. So what do I do. Oh and by the way. He's 20 years older than me.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

He is bored. Some men don't want sex with their wives because they are bored with the same thing and same place and same person. You can be stunningly beautiful, but after a couple of years he'll still lose interest. I looked in the dictionary, frumpy means drab and unattractive. It is a common excuse men use. Is he handsome? Does he have a big stomach? If he is not that handsome himself, he has no right to tell you that you are frumpy. For nagging and arguing, I don't know about you. Complaining and nagging always make women undesirable. My husband tells me all the time that he doesn't like women complaining. He said women like to feel sorry for themselves. I don't complain. I just explode.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I agree with MEM. It's not the boots it's your husband. He chose to use the boots to define his boredom. I have a pair of Uggs, husband hates them too so that might be universal...haha.

Get a bra and panty set or even go to Fredricks of Hollywood (you can do it online even) and buy a corset (very flattering) and get some stilletos. Flounce in front of him playfully and ask him if he still thinks you're frumpy. If you do not get a stand up response from him then you can know for sure that he's the problem. Then you make the decisions as to whether you want or should have to be the victim of his boredom.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree. The boots are only a handy symbol and an easier way to describe a more complicated problem. My wife is young 40s, very attractive, but ALWAYS, around the house, wears these house coats one normally only sees on elderly women. It's just a piece of clothing but the statement it makes is that she has no interest in looking attractive to me. She dresses nicely to go to work but I get "grandma" and it's clear to me that sex or romance does not even appear on her radar screen. It's easy for me to imagine that her "grandma gowns" are basically the same as wearing "STOP" signs. I hate the grandma gowns but it's not the garment, it's the lack of sexual and romantic interest that it represents. It's knowing that every other opinion on earth is more important than mine.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

chillymorn said:


> Just my opinion here.
> 
> when I was a young guy it was all about looks.but as I aged and matured it became all about attitude. Being sexy is attitude.Confident willing, playful, flittaious,desirous.
> 
> ...


I honestly think you "hit the nail" on the head. I even enjoy experimenting with this concept when I go out. Although I am overweight, I'm very shapely. I just make sure I'm dressed fashionable (something which compliments my figure). I also make sure my hair is styled, make up on, and nails done. Above all else, I put on a smile and have a positive attitude. It is amazing how receptive complete strangers are towards me. Attitude plays a huge role in defining who you are. Perhaps "Frumpy" is defining your attitude.

Fortunately, I do not own a pair of Ug boots! That reminds me of a television show on Bravo which my teenage daughters watch. I honestly can't think of the name of the show, but this thread reminds me of it. It is basically a a fashion intervention show with dramatic results. They definitely have the frumpiest of the frumpy on that show! I guess I should be thankful my two teenage daughters keep me straight on fashion.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

SashaJ said:


> I explained to him that I see our current relationship as a dead decaying horse which I am trying to push and drag up a steep hill, that is how much effort I am putting into this. I asked him for a visual representation of how he see's things and his response "a donkey, its smaller than a horse" what the bloody hell does that mean. Help please xx


Since I'm around equines much of the day, this quote caught my attention. I'm wondering if your husband's comment had any meaning or it was quite by coincidence. Why did he not say "a pony"? That would have been a small horse. Instead he chose to use "a donkey" in his analogy. A donkey is unrefined, disagreeable, and stubborn.:scratchhead:


----------



## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

How does your husband keep himself?is he in shape and well groomed.
Try sharpen your wardrobe up and add some spice but don't hover round him all the time act like you have options even if you don't


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree on the Ugg boots. . .I don't know who invented them and why women fell for them but when they go out of style, I am going make all the women throw them in a big pile, light them on fire, and dance naked around the fire like a wild natives.

That being said, despite entertaining the notion you could be frumpy, your husband could be leading you on too and playing "misdirect" by saying,

"This is about you, not about me."

My BS meter is going off now a little more.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You women do know that in 20-30 years, they are going to be making fun of you in pictures for wearing them?

I mean, they *are* worse than the large lappels from the 70's and worse then Bellbottoms.

I mean, Farrah Fawcett hair was sexy in the 80's. But Uggs are never about looks.

The same with those Boxy Square Cars. . .and this is coming from a guy who almost bought a Gremlin for his first car.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> The same with those Boxy Square Cars. . .and this is coming from a guy who almost bought a Gremlin for his first car.


LOL! If this keeps up, we will have to start a list on a separate thread--TAM Definition of Frumpy.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I agree they are ugly and there is no way to make them look attractive but they are sooooooooo comfortable. When you think about it what's attractive about flip flops either? Hate'em but they never go out of style.

Maybe Ugg stands for Uggly!


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Found picture with me in Uggs and yeah, it's a little frumpy but I'm at home, waiting for kids to get home to do errands and start dinner, etc...


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

That was very brave of you to post this.

Um. . .NO. . .you are NOT frumpy.

To make you look frumpy in that picture, we'd have to doctor it like this:

A. Take the slimming black off
B. Okay, leave the Ugghs on, lol
C. No make up
D. No engaging smile
E. Put a housecoat on you.
F. Wear a serious face or frown, instead of a funloving smile.
G. Assume a brickhouse posture instead of c**king your hip in that feminine manner.
H. Carry an old lady handbag (a big one) around your shoulder
I. Put about 50 pounds on you

Then you got the "frumpy" look.

Your husband is WAY off. WAY OFF.

Whatever the fight was about with him, he's gotta step it up, not you.

You can safely dismiss the frumpy accusation.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

PS: Do you happen to live in the Philly area?

That radiator in the back looks exactly like the radiator in my grandmother's old row home in Philadelphia, lol.

Back then, the houses had all hot water heat. Don't know why everything went to forced air. . .carry on.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm not the original poster actually as she's in England but I'm sure she's wearing much of the same because Uggs are a comfy accessory. My husband doesn't say I'm frumpy if he did I wouldn't be happy in my marriage and I'd feel horrible and lonely. I think that's my point, her husband needs to do some changing, not her. She said she wears makeup, has nice clothes and takes care of herself.

I live in New Jersey by the shore (but nowhere near Snooki), our house is over 100 years old which explains the radiator cover!


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Thanks for all the support guys, I finally feel like someone is listening. The quote about the donkey hit a nerve....mayby I can be stubborn and argumentative...I'll work on that but he need's to work on his issues as well. It's coming into summer so the Ugg's will be put away for another 6 months soon but in the mean time my feet are cold and they are soooooo warm... It's not like I wear them out of the house or anything. So I guess the next question is do I show him this thread??????? or would that be bad.

BTW.... he didn't think I was frumpy last night lol


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Crazy that Australia is opposite us because here in Jersey I'm just breaking out the Uggs. I want to say that I really don't think the Uggs are a factor and I think Scanner reiterated that point. You've got all the sexiness you need inside you and you are ready to rock someone's world-why won't he let it be his world? Find out! If the answer is a stupid one then find someone else to rock your world. You know you deserve better and I think you do too.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

And show him this thread if you want to be really open with him. It's what I did with my husband (though a different thread). I want him to know what's going on with me. By the way, I always wear the Uggs out of the house so let him know it could be way worse.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

SashaJ, I'm very sorry if I offended you. I thought it odd your husband would use a donkey in his analogy. Perhaps you should ask your husband to define what frumpy is to him. The rest of us are only guessing what he defines as "frumpy".


----------



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

827Aug...you didn't offend me. It made me think maybe I am a bit stubbon at times, so don't worry, no offence taken. His definition is "plain" so I don't know which is worse, plain or frumpy...still at least we are communicating.


----------

