# Why Not Sub It Out



## Gaming Your Wife (Jun 16, 2011)

Ever wonder why it would not work to just have someone else take care of your sexual needs instead of having to play the game. At our house if a pipe breaks we call a plumber,If we need a carpenter we call,If carpets are dirty we call a cleaner.So If my wife hates sex so much and is so bad at it.Why can't we just sub it out.Then she is off the hook.I'am happy. We all get along.And its no longer a problem?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

You can.. it's called divorce.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

The OP has no idea what he's in for. Welcome to TAM, the last refuge of realistic people of reason!


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I'd like to hear about you bringing this up to your wife as long as you promise to share the details with us.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

Ummm.... eww. i was on the patio of this greek place that's next to this massage parlor . my friend and i watched guy after guy go into this place. the windows were blacked out behind their neon lights. each time we saw a guy go in we did the high school girl "ewwwww!"... then this old guy came out, sat close to us on the patio and lit a cigarette. i started involuntarily gagging and my friend spit up her drink all over and we both started choking/laughing. 

do you really wanna be one of those guys?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Because that is called prostitution. And is illegal in most states. And you run into a lot of problems with that. Like, sexually transmitted disease, jealous, potential pregnancy, want me to go on?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> then this old guy came out, sat close to us on the patio and lit a cigarette. i started involuntarily gagging and my friend spit up her drink all over and we both started choking/laughing. [/size]


Sometimes I envy old guys with nothing to lose. It's unfortunate that most of us wait until it's too late to realize that we only live once.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

If sex is important to you...why are you married to someone who hates sex?

:scratchhead:


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

"a. You should have seen it coming. b. If you didn't, get a divorce". Ahhhh... gotta love TAM.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If it is an official open marriage which you both agree to, go ahead. D and finding a better life partner might be more rewarding in the long run for most people including me. But some people do make the open marriage thing work.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gaming, 
It sounds like you are looking for some type of public support or approval to build up your courage to suggest this to your wife. 

Are you ok with your wife flipping out and divorcing you over this? 

If you are, it is less likely that she will. It is kind of hard for her to say: I know I vowed to love you, but I actually demand that you remain celibate. 

This is the:
Love vow - broken
Forsaking all other vows - vigorously enforced


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your sexual needs are being met by another woman, why not delegate all wifely duties to her? What's the point of supporting a roommate?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Why don't you get divorced?

People understand divorcing because you never get sex. I wouldn't look down on it, and I doubt many people would. If you don't feel loved, then you find someone else who will make you feel loved.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Gaming, jokes aside, it's up to you to calibrate your ethical compass. There is a slim chance that a contributor might come along to this thread whose background and experience lends credibility and whose words strike a chord with you to swing the needle. But the determination is ultimately yours.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> What's the point of supporting a roommate?


Not all roommates are created equal. Some might be parents of the same children and/or simply best friends and partners over an entire lifetime.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hey, if you can find a wife who agrees with you, you've got it made. Go for it.

If you're talking about NOT telling your wife, well, that's a whole nother can of worms and I think you know it isn't one you want to open.

Sex is part of the bargain when you marry someone. If they aren't fulfilling your needs, you have every right to divorce them, but no right to cheat on them.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Gaming Your Wife said:


> *Ever wonder why it would not work to just have someone else take care of your sexual needs instead of having to play the game.* At our house if a pipe breaks we call a plumber,If we need a carpenter we call,If carpets are dirty we call a cleaner.So If my wife hates sex so much and is so bad at it.Why can't we just sub it out.Then she is off the hook.I'am happy. We all get along.And its no longer a problem?


Playing what game? Marriage is not a game.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just to be clear the sub process needs up front communication.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Because any plumber can fix a pipe, but husbands should want their wives to clean their pipes.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You have to play the game no matter what direction you go.

If you can't win it on your home field, you won't win while playing on the road.

Better to fix the problems with the team, or make some trades, before you get caught in a squeeze play.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It may work for some but for me I need a sexually fulfilling life to feel connected to my partner. I like having a connection with my SO that no one else has, we thoroughly enjoy each other.

I have been on both sides of this and can say that there is no comparison (for me) between a relationship that still has friendship but no sex to one that has both friendship and a rocking sex life. The connection that comes with intimacy is what makes my world go round, I would not settle for anything less now.

Sure sub it out if it suits you both but don't be surprised if big cracks appear in the marriage that lead to it falling apart.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

moco82 said:


> Not all roommates are created equal. Some might be parents of the same children and/or simply best friends and partners over an entire lifetime.


Someone deliberately withholding basic needs is not a friend in any stretch of the word. It's abusive and exploitative behavior. It's the vilest form of evil. I seriously question whether a person so lacking in human decency and empathy should be trusted to care for a dog or a cat or a live house plant; certainly not a child.
A man too sorry to support his family when he has the ability to do so wouldn't be my choice candidate for childcare provider. One who would deliberately starve their spouse or punch her in the face every day wouldn't be fit to entrust with child care responsibilities. Willfully withholding sex is just another form of abusive, selfish behavior. What could they possibly be "partners" in? They've demonstrated that their marriage vows meant nothing. They can't be trusted. They can't be depended upon. They occupy space and consume air and other resources while giving misery, disappointment, and frustration in return. That's not a partner. That's not a friend.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, the answer is simple. Despite all of the biology behind physical attraction and the instincts that we possess within the primitive parts of our brains, we cannot escape our more highly developed centers of reason and logic - which IMHO add depth to our simple feelings and emotions. Because of that, our natural tendencies are to attach meaning to intimate acts of love. Despite how much we want to use reason to rationalize away the feelings of attachment and to embrace our instincts to mate, it is reason that actually causes us to build connections and relationships with other people. That is how we have solid societies in the long run, and it's this foundation that prevents society from descending into anarchy.

Your idea of going outside the marriage in order to have your needs met - be they sex, companionship, etc - degrades the relationship between a husband and a wife. Very few people can pull off what you propose, i.e. an open marriage, because the vast majority of us are still wired within our brains to seek out a long term life partner to help continue civilization. I don't care what others may say or think, but we are programmed to build our own families - which is the building blocks of society - and when you condone actions that degrade the bonds between husbands and wives you ultimately weaken the concept of family and thus sow the seeds of destruction within society. JMHO.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Maybe your wife hates having sex with you bc you cant fix the pipes, do your own carpentry work, and help clean the carpets. Just sayin!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Gaming Your Wife said:


> Ever wonder why it would not work to just have someone else take care of your sexual needs instead of having to play the game. At our house if a pipe breaks we call a plumber,If we need a carpenter we call,If carpets are dirty we call a cleaner.So If my wife hates sex so much and is so bad at it.Why can't we just sub it out.Then she is off the hook.I'am happy. We all get along.And its no longer a problem?


Especially if she outsourced / offshored your husbandly duties and is banging the pool guy.

But no, there is no real point in having a wife if you have to go elsewhere.


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## Mayers89 (Oct 25, 2012)

keep posting and have fun!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A marriage is a sexual union.

Not a pipefitters union.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Why don't you get divorced?
> 
> People understand divorcing because you never get sex. I wouldn't look down on it, and I doubt many people would. If you don't feel loved, then you find someone else who will make you feel loved.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> Maybe your wife hates having sex with you bc you cant fix the pipes, do your own carpentry work, and help clean the carpets. Just sayin!


That's pretty misandrist.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Willfully withholding sex is just another form of abusive, selfish behavior.


We don't know whether the OP's wife is withholding sex willfully.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

Gaming,

Do you have the same loving relationship with your carpet and your home's plumbing system as you do with your wife? 
If so, I can at least see where this is coming from.....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Every situation is different. Its easy to spout the same tried tested and true responses of divorce or dont do it. But sometimes situations are not very clear cut. Just remember that you are the best judge of your own situation. Weigh the options carefully and come to a decision that you can live with.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

I will never recommend cheating, because it will harm our self esteem. It will haunt us, because we can't never lie to ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

When discussing the lack of sex with my wife, she usually throws out divorce or tells me I need to find a surrogate.
Just knowing my wife for who she is and how she acts after 13 years of marriage, I know she really doesn't mean either option, but why throw it out there then? I don't want to divorce her for several reasons...one being that I am fully committed to her and would certainly be concerned about her welfare. Is she fully committed to me...why are my sexual needs put on the back burner? Would she truly be accepting of me finding a surrogate female to satisfy my sexual needs? The next time she suggests such a thing, I plan to ask just how accepting she would be.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Is there any history or chance of childhood sex abuse or other abuse, trauma, assault in her past?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

"Dear Wife. I am a sexual being. All humans are sexual beings. I intend to live a fulfilling life including being sexually active. I prefer it to be with you, but if you refuse to be sexual with me I will be sexual with other women."

Then STFU and walk away.


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

Thor said:


> If it is an official open marriage which you both agree to, go ahead. D and finding a better life partner might be more rewarding in the long run for most people including me. But some people do make the open marriage thing work.


I have never heard of an open marriage ending well.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

moco82 said:


> That's pretty misandrist.


I was kidding.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

farside said:


> I have never heard of an open marriage ending well.


I think that's because they don't show up on TAM complaining about matters. That and marriages always end in death or divorce.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Because that is called prostitution. And is illegal in most states. And you run into a lot of problems with that. Like, sexually transmitted disease, jealous, potential pregnancy, want me to go on?


all those problems come with sex in general


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