# Survey



## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

I am just curious how often sex is occurring for other working couples with a young child at home. My wife and I are mid thirties and have some significant differences of opinion in terms of what "frequency" might be typical. We're supportive of one another in terms splitting house work and looking after our daughter. But one of us feels the other needs to initiate sex more often. So two questions I guess for people like us. How often? And who initiates more often?


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

ThanksJerry said:


> I am just curious how often sex is occurring for other working couples with a young child at home. My wife and I are mid thirties and have some significant differences of opinion in terms of what "frequency" might be typical. We're supportive of one another in terms splitting house work and looking after our daughter. But one of us feels the other needs to initiate sex more often. So two questions I guess for people like us. How often? And who initiates more often?


I’m 34 and my fiancé is 35. I have a 9yo daughter from a previous relationship and we share a 4yo son. I do 98% of the housework and he drop the kids off in the morning, while I pick up in the evening. He initiates sex 99% of the time and always mentions that I should initiate more. I’ve always been the one in the relationship to not initiate sex and no one I’ve been with has had a problem with it except my fiancé. I initiate when I have a drink or after my monthly visitor leaves. We have sex 5-6 times a week and at least 2+ times a day on the days we do have sex.


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## ComplicatedBrain (Aug 3, 2021)

We have sex on average about once a week, though we don’t plan it. I definitely initiate more often but not always.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

staceymj86 said:


> I’m 34 and my fiancé is 35. I have a 9yo daughter from a previous relationship and we share a 4yo son. I do 98% of the housework and he drop the kids off in the morning, while I pick up in the evening. He initiates sex 99% of the time and always mentions that I should initiate more. I’ve always been the one in the relationship to not initiate sex and no one I’ve been with has had a problem with it except my fiancé. I initiate when I have a drink or after my monthly visitor leaves. We have sex 5-6 times a week and at least 2+ times a day on the days we do have sex.


This is helpful. Thank you for responding!


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

ComplicatedBrain said:


> We have sex on average about once a week, though we don’t plan it. I definitely initiate more often but not always.


Thanks for taking the time to answer. Definitely helpful


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's not always wise to compare yourself to other couples because you will always find people who have sex more and those who have sex less and those who often come here who only rarely or never have sex. 
You need to compromise and find a way that suits you as a couple rather than using what others do to possibly use against your spouse.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's not always wise to compare yourself to other couples because you will always find people who have sex more and those who have sex less and those who often come here who only rarely or never have sex.
> You need to compromise and find a way that suits you as a couple rather than using what others do to possibly use against your





Diana7 said:


> It's not always wise to compare yourself to other couples because you will always find people who have sex more and those who have sex less and those who often come here who only rarely or never have sex.
> You need to compromise and find a way that suits you as a couple rather than using what others do to possibly use against your spouse.


Thank you and I agree its not wise or even fair to directly compare people or relationships. I'd definitely never use any of this feedback against my spouse but I am interested in hearing what is "typical" for others like us


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> It's not always wise to compare yourself to other couples because you will always find people who have sex more and those who have sex less and those who often come here who only rarely or never have sex.
> You need to compromise and find a way that suits you as a couple rather than using what others do to possibly use against your spouse.


I don't always agree with you Diana but I am 100% in agreeement with this! Well said!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ThanksJerry said:


> Thank you and I agree its not wise or even fair to directly compare people or relationships. I'd definitely never use any of this feedback against my spouse but I am interested in hearing what is "typical" for others like us


I didn't answer your survey as I am out of the demographic (20 years older than you and no kids) but if it helps, we have sex around once per week. I of course would like more but it is what it is. Wife doesn't want any more usually.

If it helps any stats have shown the typical married couple average is around 1-2 x per week. Use Google Scholar and you will find peer-reviwed journals that indicate this. Now some here say they have sex everyday which I am not doubting its just they are the rarity as stats says thats less than 10% of the population. On the opposite side are others you will see here that have indicated they have sex only a few times per year. Once again thats not the norm either.

So go with what works for YOU but just keep in mind the complete lack of sex is problematic as no one ever complains they are having too much sex.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

ThanksJerry said:


> I am just curious how often sex is occurring for other working couples with a young child at home. My wife and I are mid thirties and have some significant differences of opinion in terms of what "frequency" might be typical. We're supportive of one another in terms splitting house work and looking after our daughter. But one of us feels the other needs to initiate sex more often. So two questions I guess for people like us. How often? And who initiates more often?


3-4 times within the last 3 years. Always me.

Hint: Don't be me.

There are a lot of very helpful people here that can provide you with some very constructive advice which I've personally found helpful. I thought being "lenient and caring and considerate" was the way to go, but this approach definitely didn't work out for me. Hope you haven't reached my stage.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

ThanksJerry said:


> And who initiates more often?


You're the man, you initiate, always.

On the occasions she does initiate, enjoy the feeling that she did initiate, then do your job of giving her a mind-blowing O (not really a job, is it?)



staceymj86 said:


> He initiates sex 99% of the time and always mentions that I should initiate more.


I took me awhile to realize how unattractive whining is to a wife.

Tell him to man-up & do his job (once again, not really a job, it's an honor.)


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

we are in our late 50s and sometimes once a week some times more and some times less, 

quality is better than quaintly ,

all so before I go on to the next point people change as we get older some times we or one in the couple 
can have a higher sex drive and it can even take turns 
I know women get painted as the one that never wants sex and some men are convinced that all women trade sex for other things , 

but the question on who initiate 
reading the initiation is important how many don't know or don't see compared to not wanting to see 
some people are better connected than others 

At the heart of the drama are all the complexities involved when, late at night, in the darkness, one person’s hand moves over to tentatively touch the other’s body in a way that signals a desire to initiate either sex or a cuddle – and nothing much happens in return.
This move ends up being so much more fraught than one might imagine because it has so little to do with making love: it’s about knowing that we are wanted. The willingness to initiate sex can appear like the litmus test of whether one is appreciated within the relationship 
some people like to test the other test their relationship 
question their relationship 
taking the first step can be putting yourself out for rejection some can take rejection better than others 
some initiate often as it comes easy to them , or they see it as their role 

what is important is knowing that if the hand is not responded to that it is not taken as a refusal 
and knowing the person might be tired 

Ideally, if we all loved ourselves enough, we would know better what to do when we moved a hand across and we did not get much in return: we would address the matter within the couple through calm and kindly discussion and tried to determine what was at stake.


If the evidence pointed squarely to a profound lack of interest or emotional capacity, we would leave. After all, there is nothing wrong with you if ending up sharing a bed with an emotionally or physically withholding partner; there is something very wrong, or at least very unfortunate, with sticking around once one knows this is the case.

knowing why it was rejected is important ,if it happens often or in a way that is screaming keep your hands off or too your self


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m thirty seven and so is my wife. We have a twelve year old and a four year old. 
We have sex every day, sometimes twice a day if circumstances permit.
I probably initiate slightly more often but there’s not much difference really. Our lives are probably a lot different from most other people our age in that I work from home for about ten hours a week and my wife doesn’t work.
We have lots of free time😁😁😁


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ThanksJerry said:


> How often? And who initiates more often?


When we were in our 30's we had 3 kids at home. DH worked and I was SAHM. Back then we averaged 3-7x a week, depending on the year. Some years DH worked away from home and we didn't see each other for days, so we'd have to try to make up for the sex we missed when he got back.

DH definitely initiated more. I'm very high libido and would have sex daily, multiple times some days, and I am highly attracted to DH. In an attempt to be sensitive to male biology I thought it best to let him set the pace since I don't really have an off switch. I more or less just be affectionate, flirt a bit, and let him know I'm ready, willing, and able. If it's been a few days I'll either mention it or just make a move.



Andy1001 said:


> I’m thirty seven and so is my wife. We have a twelve year old and a four year old.


Good God, how time flies! I remember when you were new, having future in-law issues, and the baby was just a spec in his momma's womb. Now he's in pre-school/kindergarten and the oldest is about to be a teen!?!?! 😵


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> When we were in our 30's we had 3 kids at home. DH worked and I was SAHM. Back then we averaged 3-7x a week, depending on the year. Some years DH worked away from home and we didn't see each other for days, so we'd have to try to make up for the sex we missed when he got back.
> 
> DH definitely initiated more. I'm very high libido and would have sex daily, multiple times some days, and I am highly attracted to DH. In an attempt to be sensitive to male biology I thought it best to let him set the pace since I don't really have an off switch. I more or less just be affectionate, flirt a bit, and let him know I'm ready, willing, and able. If it's been a few days I'll either mention it or just make a move.
> 
> ...





MJJEAN said:


> When we were in our 30's we had 3 kids at home. DH worked and I was SAHM. Back then we averaged 3-7x a week, depending on the year. Some years DH worked away from home and we didn't see each other for days, so we'd have to try to make up for the sex we missed when he got back.
> 
> DH definitely initiated more. I'm very high libido and would have sex daily, multiple times some days, and I am highly attracted to DH. In an attempt to be sensitive to male biology I thought it best to let him set the pace since I don't really have an off switch. I more or less just be affectionate, flirt a bit, and let him know I'm ready, willing, and able. If it's been a few days I'll either mention it or just make a move.
> 
> ...


The four year old is a girl.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> The four year old is a girl.


Dude, I coulda swore you guys had two boys. Yeah, I'm old. Senility setting in.

4 is ridiculously cute for girls. 11, not so much. Thats about when they develop real sass.

With young kids at home and an active sex life you should maybe give out some tips to the other fellas. You know the obvious things you're doing right, but I bet there are subtle undercurrent type things that make a huge difference and aren't often just stated out loud.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My son is now 21, so it's been some time since 'kids at home' was an issue in my sex life. But, when he was little, my then-husband and I were averaging around 4-5 times per week. Sometimes much more but rarely much less. We both worked full time and I also handled all the household tasks and all the child rearing.

My husband was exceptionally high drive, so he usually initiated. There was actually a whole lot of pestering, whining and sulking about sex from him, as well. Which, for what it's worth, is the _absolute polar opposite _of sexy and enticing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ThanksJerry said:


> Thank you and I agree its not wise or even fair to directly compare people or relationships. I'd definitely never use any of this feedback against my spouse but I am interested in hearing what is "typical" for others like us


I don't think there is a 'typical', that's what I mean.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Noman said:


> You're the man, you initiate, always.
> 
> On the occasions she does initiate, enjoy the feeling that she did initiate, then do your job of giving her a mind-blowing O (not really a job, is it?)
> 
> ...


I absolutely hate the whining.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

staceymj86 said:


> I absolutely hate the whining.


Ohhhh c'monnnn.....pleaasssssse (said in a whining tone)

Sorry I couldn't resist


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Ohhhh c'monnnn.....pleaasssssse (said in a whining tone)
> 
> Sorry I couldn't resist


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

stamina said:


> 3-4 times within the last 3 years. Always me.
> 
> Hint: Don't be me.
> 
> There are a lot of very helpful people here that can provide you with some very constructive advice which I've personally found helpful. I thought being "lenient and caring and considerate" was the way to go, but this approach definitely didn't work out for me. Hope you haven't reached my stage.


Last year was the first year I actually counted. Both working from home, together all day. We had sex seven times in 15 months. And when we did, it always felt like more of a "ok, just get this over with" vibe from her. I would chalk it up to the lockdown and being "too close" if a few times a year hadn't been the norm for several years.

I'm depressed over it, honestly. My career, my house, my entire situation. I have more than I'd have dreamed of as a kid and worked hard to get it. But being the physical person I am, this aspect of my life brings such darkness. My spouse is a great person, hard worker, tireless mom. But it destroys me to be rejected so often. I come home and feel numb. It's a non starter for me to consider breaking up my daughter's home because dad isn't getting "enough". But I just don't know how to survive this. We've talked about it ad nauseum. I'm always told if I did this or that, she'd be in the mood more. I'm done thinking its a behavioral thing I've created. We're just not compatible in a way that's so important to me


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ThanksJerry said:


> We had sex seven times in 15 months. And when we did, it always felt like more of a "ok, just get this over with" vibe from her. I would chalk it up to the lockdown and being "too close" if a few times a year hadn't been the norm for several years.


 You more than meet the clinical definition of a dead bedroom. No, this isn't normal. And you know that, but choose to stay for the kid. Question is what are you teaching the kid? Answer is you're modeling an adult romantic relationship to her. Everything that is missing? Yeah, she's aware even if only subconsciously and she will be likely to seek out a similar marriage as an adult because it is her normal and, frankly, feels like home. Children live what they learn. You can show her a broken marriage or you can show her two parents successfully living separately with a father that may even someday be able to model a healthy relationship for her.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ThanksJerry said:


> I'm always told if I did this or that, she'd be in the mood more. I'm done thinking its a behavioral thing I've created.


Really? Who is telling you because they don’t seem to be giving you good advice.

Your “I’d never leave” position removes the only leverage you might have.

You should check out “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by DSO @dadstartingover and “The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” by Athol Kay. They’re written by men for men and will help to straighten you out if you need straightening and will at least give you advice that isn’t terrible.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ThanksJerry said:


> Last year was the first year I actually counted. Both working from home, together all day. We had sex seven times in 15 months. And when we did, it always felt like more of a "ok, just get this over with" vibe from her. I would chalk it up to the lockdown and being "too close" if a few times a year hadn't been the norm for several years.
> 
> I'm depressed over it, honestly. My career, my house, my entire situation. I have more than I'd have dreamed of as a kid and worked hard to get it. But being the physical person I am, this aspect of my life brings such darkness. My spouse is a great person, hard worker, tireless mom. But it destroys me to be rejected so often. I come home and feel numb. It's a non starter for me to consider breaking up my daughter's home because dad isn't getting "enough". But I just don't know how to survive this. We've talked about it ad nauseum. I'm always told if I did this or that, she'd be in the mood more. I'm done thinking its a behavioral thing I've created. We're just not compatible in a way that's so important to me


You easily meet the definition of a sexless marriage, which is typically once a month or less. We are now empty nesters now, but we had our two children when we were in our late 20s to early 30s. They definitely slowed down our sex life, but even at it's lowest point, frequency wise, we were having sex at least once a week. We would always find some time for sex on the weekends if nothing else. We would occasionally get a sitter so we could have a date night, which we knew would include sex at the end of the night. To me, sex is the glue that holds a loving married couple together. Without it you are roommates, co-parents and hopefully best friends, but not you are not husband and wife.

You have to let your wife know how important sex is to you and why. I always tell my wife that it isn't just about "getting off". I feel every time we have sex it strengthens our physical and emotional bond and without it I fear we would eventually drift apart. It appears to be having a real effect on you and I think you must share that with her.

Here are some very useful articles that I suggest you and your wife read. There are many other useful articles on that site as well. Also, read those book ccpowerslave mentioned, very good resources. 









Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy


Yesterday I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal. How it can be that your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












SWM 046 - Responsive desire is a blessing - Uncovering Intimacy


Responsive desire isn't an abnormality, disability or curse. It's a blessing. Once you learn to work with it, it can actually lead to an amazing sex life.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












SWM 047 - Spontaneous desire is a blessing - Uncovering Intimacy


Feel like having a high sex drive is a burden? Wonder why God made you this way? Here are some reasons I think having spontaneous desire is a blessing.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Being more skilled at initiation - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you use skillful initiation in your marriage? Don't know? You might want to check out this post to see if you can improve how you initiate sex.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Being more skilled at rejection - Uncovering Intimacy


Want to know how to reject your spouse in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings but ensures they don't ask for sex again? Become more skilled at rejection.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Desire vs. willingness - Uncovering Intimacy


Yesterday I promised I’d write a post on desire vs. willingness, because, again, this is a topic I’ve mentioned many times, but never devoted a post to. Our society teaches us that we shouldn’t have sex unless we desire it. In movies, both of the




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Ohhhh c'monnnn.....pleaasssssse (said in a whining tone)
> 
> Sorry I couldn't resist


It doesn't bother me at all when she says, 
"Please Daddy"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ThanksJerry said:


> Last year was the first year I actually counted. Both working from home, together all day. We had sex seven times in 15 months. And when we did, it always felt like more of a "ok, just get this over with" vibe from her. I would chalk it up to the lockdown and being "too close" if a few times a year hadn't been the norm for several years.
> 
> I'm depressed over it, honestly. My career, my house, my entire situation. I have more than I'd have dreamed of as a kid and worked hard to get it. But being the physical person I am, this aspect of my life brings such darkness. My spouse is a great person, hard worker, tireless mom. But it destroys me to be rejected so often. I come home and feel numb. It's a non starter for me to consider breaking up my daughter's home because dad isn't getting "enough". But I just don't know how to survive this. We've talked about it ad nauseum. I'm always told if I did this or that, she'd be in the mood more. I'm done thinking its a behavioral thing I've created. We're just not compatible in a way that's so important to me


What do you and your wife do together to build non-sexual intimacy? Do you really talk, hold hands, do fun thing together? Do you really date each other, like you did when you were...well...dating?

Or, do you interact on a purely functional basis - work, chores, kid stuff, bills, etc. - until it's time to go to bed? Are you in a _romantic, sensual and sexual_ relationship with your wife, or do you two mostly just live parallel lives until it's suddenly sexy time?


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

staceymj86 said:


> I absolutely hate the whining.


What do you mean you hate the whining?


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## 351147 (Sep 2, 2021)

We're both in our mid 40's and have two children. When work isn't crazy we have sex about 3 times a week.


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