# So many mistakes, should we reconcile?



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

We have been separated for three or four weeks but have spent a few days together on two separate occassions.

I am working but have no money, to the point where my mother bought me groceries and gave me 100 dollars.

I know I am on the verge of loosing my job due to how the separation has impacted on me emotionally and he still hasnt found any work.

I am so angry that he cant even get waitering work or anything just to help me out. 

I have been giving him money when I can but now there is none left. I am living on change until I get paid next thursday.

I dont know what to do. I miss him but when we see each other, after a small glimmer of hope, I just think 'you're a dud!'

But I hold onto the hopes and dreams we had when we met. I forced him to change his life and stop doing what he loved so we vould have a wage and I stopped dong what I loved to have a career... Is that what wrecked out marriage? 

I wonder if there is anyone else out there whose life has been completely ruined by all of this. I want to quit my job, sell my car and go overseas.

I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. Help!


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## MarriageHelpers (Jan 6, 2009)

My heart goes out to you- you sound very much like my sister. It's difficult when a spouse is a 'dud' and communication has broken down. On those few occassions where you do get together- what are you discussing? Is he feeling the same regarding your marriage? 
Divorce doesn't have to happen- not if both of you committ to taking the necessary steps towards reconciliation. I am happy to listen and help!


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi there,

we are discussing our previous creative life together, putting on a play I have finally finished, turning our life around... but still I cant get my head around the fact he cannot find work. It isn't fair.

But, I made him quit his last job because he was working 15 hour days and I never saw him and when I did he was a zombie, like, not 'here'. He has Rheumatoid Arthritis and that impacted on an already fragile marriage.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Could he go back to his old job or like work?

draconis


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

No the job was 2 hours away, we moved back to Melburne after he finished up there, my job is from home...

He ha an appointment to meet up with a guy who he did a placement with years ago who now runs the food and beveragw side of a massive, beautiful and prestigious hotel so hopefully he gets work there...

I just dont know if we can overcome all of this. I guess I would love to hear about stories where the divide had become soooo huge and irreconsilable, but still they pieced it all back together. I would like that to happen. I have a lot of issues as well that have not helped over the years, but he has been a bit of a push over and he is trying soo hard, but I am angry and sad.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> I just dont know if we can overcome all of this. I have a lot of issues as well that have not helped over the years, but he has been a bit of a push over and he is trying soo hard, but I am angry and sad.


Im not really clear on what is going on for you guys. I understand that you are angry b/c he is not working, but you wanted him to quit so you could have more time together right? sounds like you got what you wanted, but then found out what you wanted is not really what you wanted. 

aside from him not working, what is creating this huge divide between you two?


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Sex, and physical attraction.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hello to the ether,

I coe to this website to get advice when I am completely confused and the stress head ache is so intense I think I am loosing it... But I was just reading about a woman whose husband left her after 16 years, with kids and a huge house and it is all over.

I am realising that my situation, rather than get angry and frustrated that there aren't more young marriage/ no kids type people on the site to relate to, that the reality is that I am very lucky that we hadn't had kids yet and, per my last post, hello?

Who am I kidding?

He keeps contacting me and confusing the hell out of me because I care so much about him, but I just think it is over. It is over because I had doubts even as we were getting engaged, even leading up to the wedding, throughout our marriage.

I just sisnt want to belive I had made such a MASSIVE mistake. I didn't want to be alone, single, to start again.

And because I care for him so deeply, you start messing with your own head and thinking that you can reconcile.

I vow today to stop doing my head in, work harder at work so I dont loose my job, get fit, actually put some make up on and start living again.

I am not going to answer his phone calls. I am not going to respond on face book. I am not going to be in contact with him at all because it does my head in. If our marriage was meant to be than I wouldn't have doubted it for so long, would I?

I just have to deal with the reality that I am 31 and will be divorced and may be single for a long time.

But that is OK.

Thank you for letting me rant.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> I vow today to stop doing my head in, work harder at work so I dont loose my job, get fit, actually put some make up on and start living again.


I think these are really great goals. if you are becoming so stressed out over this that you arent taking care of yourself, or doing well at your job, then there is definitely a problem. If you need to stop talking to him so you can focus on taking care of yourself, then that is what you need to do.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Thanks Ljtseng,

You've written to me a couple of times, always with really pragmatic advice.

I do think I jest need not to see him, because I still just don't know what I want. One day, I think we should get back together again, and the next, it is definetely over.

It is killing him and I feel like such a terrible person for putting through all of this. aND i FEEL TO BLAME THAT HE IS OUT OF WORK, BECAUSE, AS i SAID IN ANOTHER POST, i WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM TO QUIT. 

oPPS,Caps.

With the global economic crisis, hospitality jobs are really hard to come by, and an old freind who runs a very prestigious hotel couldn't even give him work because they've been told to pull their financial head in.

I think about having a fling, or even just kissing someone else to see what if feel like. But, I don't know if that is bad form or not. I mean, we are separatd. I don't know.

Do you think it is out of line to kiss someone when you have only been separated for a month?

And if I am thinking like that does that mean that I have made the right choice and am just frightened by my choices?

In the past, I've been terrible at breaking up... Split, together again, split, together again cetera, until finally the guy would split up with me.

I guess I need to trust my choices more.

Thing is, is that I have fun with him, he is funny, and lovely, and kind... but the sexual attraction is almost not there at all. Is that reason enough to split for good?

Like to know what you think.

Thanks,


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> aND i FEEL TO BLAME THAT HE IS OUT OF WORK, BECAUSE, AS i SAID IN ANOTHER POST, i WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM TO QUIT.


I can see how this would make you feel guilty. I struggle with guilt in my relationship, a lot. it helps to remind myself that i cannot make my H do anything. its his choice. that usually takes a lot of stress of me. So just remind yourself that although you did suggest an idea that isnt working out, he took the idea and made the choice. 



overitnolove said:


> I think about having a fling, or even just kissing someone else to see what if feel like. But, I don't know if that is bad form or not. I mean, we are separatd. I don't know.


if there is anything that will help your peace of mind it is knowing that when you promise something, you do it. if you cheat on him then that will weigh on your conscience, not his (unless you tell him and then it will doubly weigh on you), and it will create a snowball of burden for you down the road. 



overitnolove said:


> And if I am thinking like that does that mean that I have made the right choice and am just frightened by my choices?


I honestly dont know. i think about other guys all the time, and its hard for me not to go there. its not b/c i dont love my H, its b/c i love attention and the high of a new fling. i think its an addiction. i dont know what it is for you.



overitnolove said:


> In the past, I've been terrible at breaking up... Split, together again, split, together again cetera, until finally the guy would split up with me.


Me too! and i still do that to my H. ive broken up with him like a million times. i filed for divorce once, after less then a year of marriage. when things go bad, i just want out. ive decided its a couple of things; one, its a game. the power play game, or the emotional rollar coaster. and secondly, i learned its the fight or flight response in the brain, and its conditioned when your a kid to react certain ways depending on one's childhood. 



overitnolove said:


> Thing is, is that I have fun with him, he is funny, and lovely, and kind... but the sexual attraction is almost not there at all. Is that reason enough to split for good?


i dont know. the sexual attraction with my H is all but gone. but i guess i have hope that it will come back, which is why it doesnt get to me that much. 



overitnolove said:


> Like to know what you think.


to me it sounds like you have no core of action. its mostly reaction off of how you feel at the moment. its like living in a projected world where your happiness is based off of what you get, instead of what you know internally. 

i used to live this way. its a constant state of confusion and turmoil. its just awful. but i listend too much to what people were telling me i _should_ do and what i _should_ want, and i had no internal navigator. so for awhile i just dropped everything. i paid attention internally and listened internally for what made me feel at peace with myself. If something created peace in me, i went with it. if it didnt, i dropped it. then i met my H and it all went to hell. now im back to finding my peace.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hahahahaha.

Yeah I do constantly seek outward aproval... really bad habit to break.

And I do love the high of romance and the thrill of something new.

So, inthat way we sound similar.

But I was talking to a freind and we nutted out that basically I was constantly asking him to be something he isn't and at the same time I was having to do everything in as far as direcion is concerned and I then pulled the pin out of frustration. So I am asking myself now, Can I live with who he is not, which is a leader, and am I ok with steering the ship?
I was a really good question and it gave me hope for the first time ever.
Nice feeling, hope.
And, he has two job interviews and is going back to study part time so that helps too.
He completely cleaned the whole house when I was away for the weekend.. so sweet.

And I am thinking, although I am already getting a heachache thinking of it, that maybe I can give him another chance, although I am going to focus on getting myself happy first... think that is also a really big thing.
Then I'll test the water with some company and see how he fares.

Thanks for the ear,


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> Can I live with who he is not, which is a leader, and am I ok with steering the ship?
> I was a really good question and it gave me hope for the first time ever.
> Nice feeling, hope.


Hope has been the most important thing in my relationship. I am only with my H b/c i have hope. i think that's really great you figured out what was really going on. My H also turned out not to be the person i thought, or perhaps wanted, and it was very calming when i realized it. its always nice to know what one is working with.



overitnolove said:


> I am going to focus on getting myself happy first... think that is also a really big thing.


That is a really big part of it. I hope things start looking better for you.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Are you hapy now? I mean, we are chatting on a 'separation and divorce' thingy.

I caught up with him esterday and he had a flat and I had to , not that it matters...

It made me think God was making sure I knew what I was dealing with.

Are you happy?

After yesterday, I'm thinking I made the right decision. Its just bloody hard.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> I caught up with him esterday and he had a flat and I had to , not that it matters...
> 
> It made me think God was making sure I knew what I was dealing with.


So the flat tire helped you realize you need to separate? 



overitnolove said:


> Are you happy?


Sometimes yes, sometimes no. just depends on the day really. 



overitnolove said:


> After yesterday, I'm thinking I made the right decision. Its just bloody hard.


Im sure it was a very hard decision. it sounds like you're really trying to figure it out.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

He over turned onto a curb and when we left his mothers house the tyre was completely flat... he just stood like a deer in headlights with a phone in his hand... I had to organise road side assist, even ask a nice man walking by to help, tell him to go to the atm to get cash, its like he can't think for himself... it did my head in for years but I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was driving me so crazy because we were both so busy... he works like a beaver, but when it comes to inititave, he is at a loss... its one of the reasons he left his last job ... after working 15-18 hour days, his boss gave him a warning note because he wasn't achieving targets....
He later admitted that he was working such long hours to try and catch up on what he didn't know... but rather than grab the ball and run with it, he just ran himself, and our relationship, into the ground.
It was like groundhog day every day and I ended up going away to a retreat to get my head together.

So, when the tyre thing happened, and I had to take over, I just thought, F#$%! I am trying here with every ounce of my soul to see an opportunity to start again, and he just gets scared or something. So... what do I do. I need a strong guy, well not even strong, just a guy that can take up the lead every now and then.

I want him to be that guy, that's why I stuck around, and encouraged him, and was patient for sooo long.

It sucks bigtime.

So, that's the tyre story. I was hanging on by a wong and a prayer and then he couldn't follow through. That's why I said that God punctured the tyre to remind me what I am dealng with...
But, on a lighter note, he did get the job!!!!
In the city.. Its a high end restuant that caters to the law district of Melbourne, so mostly business days, every second Sat night. The hours are un-heared of in the hospitality industry.
I'm wrapped for him.

Thanks Ljtseng.

I'm going out tonight wiothout him which is bizzare.
And a party on Sat arvo without him also. He really wanted to celebrate with me. It is hard. We are going to meet at an old haunt of ours on Sunday for a coffee and see a movie.

Take care.

Hope you have a great day,


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> I had to organise road side assist, even ask a nice man walking by to help, tell him to go to the atm to get cash, its like he can't think for himself... it did my head in for years but I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was driving me so crazy because we were both so busy... he works like a beaver, but when it comes to initiative, he is at a loss... its one of the reasons he left his last job ... after working 15-18 hour days, his boss gave him a warning note because he wasn't achieving targets....
> He later admitted that he was working such long hours to try and catch up on what he didn't know... but rather than grab the ball and run with it, he just ran himself, and our relationship, into the ground.
> It was like groundhog day every day and I ended up going away to a retreat to get my head together.


Your frustration makes a lot more sense to me now. And it makes sense that you are so tired. b/c you are trying to change who he is. He probably wants to change, too, to be who you want. I guess you probably feel a lot like his caretaker, or something to that affect. 



overitnolove said:


> But, on a lighter note, he did get the job!!!! In the city.. Its a high end restaurant that caters to the law district of Melbourne, so mostly business days, every second Sat night. The hours are unheard of in the hospitality industry.
> I'm wrapped for him.


it sounds like you two are really good friends. that's probably what makes this so confusing. it sounds like you do care about him, he's just not exactly what you were looking for in a romantic relationship. 

I think every person has their quirk that is not liked. i know my H has his. you just have to decide if its something you can live with. if its not, well, life is a learning process so dont feel guilty. He'll be OK. 

Hope you have fun at your party


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Ljtseng,

Hi there. You are right, and it is exactly the choice I need to make, and that is exactly what makes it so difficult.
And we are great freinds. I love him and care for him so deeply but he is frustrating.
I saw him today. We fought. Over silly things. We were having a serious coversation about everything and talking about giving it another go, having a cuddle. And he just reacts, it is odd, he was just smiling at me mid conversation, and he said, 'this is nice', and I was like 'what?'. I told him he was being bizzare, considering the circumstances. We fought again. I keep on trying but I guess at the end of the day, like I knew in my heart long ago that we are freinds, and the romantic connection isn't what I wished it was, or was indeed what it once was when we first met.

Thanks for your kindness. It is devistating. He is so logical about things and I am of the belief that things of the heart are anything but rational, and thought out. 

Life is indeed a learning experience. And learning life's ways is more often than not, a painful venture. 

Guess I should go and get ready for work tomorrow.

You know I don't think I can live with our differences. I just wish I could. And I keep on trying and see that I can't every time.

I hope we can remain friends. I hope I can meet someone I care about as much in the future. I just don't want to be alone. I miss being in his arms. And our silences are comforting and caring. I am scared I won't find that again. That is what I fear. But I guess that if I don't love him entirely as he is then that is my answer.

Take care. It is nice to chat with you. You seem to be a caring woman. I hope you have a happy week.

Kind regards,


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> I hope we can remain friends. I hope I can meet someone I care about as much in the future. I just don't want to be alone. I miss being in his arms. And our silences are comforting and caring. I am scared I won't find that again. That is what I fear. But I guess that if I don't love him entirely as he is then that is my answer.



Your thoughts definetly go back and forth here. It kind of throws me when you say, 'i hope i can meet someone i care about as much in the future.' It sounds like if you leave, he will be the person you compare all others against. I can see you are very torn. 

I wish you the best of luck. and just remember, everything works out in the end.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hey there everybody,

So Husband has been living with me for the past few days.
We were intimate for the first time in a LONG TIME and it felt right for the first time IN A LONG TIME.

But, is it right for me to look at him and have doubts? Is that normal? And why is it SOOOO hard to be apart from him even though when we are together, I feel likehe doesn't know 'where its at' kind of thing. I know I must sound like an idiot.

And he is trying so hard, really pullung his weight around the house, and helpig eith everything, he made me dinner last night.

Se I went out with some aquaintences last Sat, was a little bit off my face, *sorry to older posters, but I was), and all I could think about was him, so I tracked him down and said that even though everyone thinks I am moving in the right direction blah blah, that he was the one I loved, and we had great connection time and it was all wonderful.

But, I don't knoq... Those how have chatted with me and know my story, am I in denial, or am I immature and need to pull myself up and respect him? I just get a sinking heart sometimes with him and not in a good way. And he gets angry and says, no matter what I do, I am trying so hard, I will never be good enough!

ADVICE!!!!


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