# Is this a One-sided emotional affair and how do I return to being just her friend?



## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Hi all,

I have been friends with a girl who works in my building for just over 2 years. We initially met and bonded after the birth of my daughter as she had a young son and we chatted about our kids. We would chat, and go for walks to the local shop occasionally. This then moved onto some texting and emailing both in and outside of work. Then her husband got a job away from home that meant she could no longer see him at lunch times so we would then start going for lunch. 

Initially, she didn't seem to be telling her husband of our occasional lunches and texts and it seemed that he didn't approve of our friendship. My wife also wasn't too pleased that we were becoming friends but I was always open about seeing her for lunch and stuff. I have always gotten on better with girls than guys and my wife knows this so accepted it. 

Fast forward to a year later and we are still friends but she seems a lot less 'interested' for want of a better word. Whereas before we would both instigate texts/emails, now it is mainly when I contact her that we chat at all. We still go for lunches in the week but she is less keen to have general tea breaks and walks to the shop, but she puts it down to her work being more strict on her hours which is true. 

Now, recently I've started feeling sad that we don't get to hang out as much and that she doesn't contact me as much as she used to. We have a nice time when we see each other for lunch but then afterwards I feel like I want to contact her again a few hours later. I feel stupid when I do as it feels like I'm being really needy as a friend. I have always maintained that we are just friends, and have even tried to organise out of work meet ups for our families. We don't have a lot of friends with kids and I want her and her family to be able to get on with me and mine, our kids are the same age roughly and I honestly want to get to know her husband and them get to know my wife. She often has a reason not to or cancels at the last minute. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but it's like she doesn't want to see me outside of half an hour or so at work.

SO bringing me to my question. Is this becoming (or already is) an emotional affair? I have feelings for her but I have never kept our friendship a secret from my wife, in fact the opposite! I want them to meet and get on! However, like I said I feel sad when I don't get to see her and I feel a constant urge to contact her. Is there a way to revert to a normal friendship? I am trying to text her less but it's hard. Also, is there such thing as a one-sided EA? I'm very confused as I am really happy at home with my wife and kids but I still enjoy spending time with this person and want to be able to see her more often and it gets me down to think that she doesnt see me as close a friend as she used to. It seems silly and childish to even say that!

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there and see if anyone had any advice. I know it's long and rambly but I would gladly answer any specific questions and will do so as honestly as I can. 

Thanks


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Emotional affair? It certainly sounds so. It also sounds as if she is trying to back away, maybe her husband found out or maybe she realized what she is doing can ruin her marriage. You need to respect her boundaries and back off yourself, stop contacting her for any personal or social reasons, leave her alone.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thanks for the reply. This is one of the possible conclusions I came to. 

However, she still does contact me occasionally like a normal platonic friend would if it's been a while to ask how we are, or to wish me luck for things, she also showed genuine remorse recently for forgetting to message me about something big me and my wife had going on. Additionally, she also still invites me for lunch on the days she's in work (She's part time) so she's clearly not feeling threatened, in fact, she seems very comfortable with our relationship and with her marriage.

This is the confusing part. It seems like she just views me as a friend (which is fine) but my worry is that I may potentially be in a one-sided EA that is making me feel rubbish. I don't want to just cut her out because if she does genuinely just sees me as a friend it'll surely confuse and upset her when I just back off. not to mentioned the fact that I'd like to be just friends with her. I think in a way it would be simpler if it were obvious she was feeling like me as then I at least would know we were both going down a dangerous route and could talk to her about cutting back a bit on our contact. As it stands I worry I'll freak her out by mentioning it to her. 

Anyway, the bottom line is I'd like to be friends but was wondering if I just try and limit my contact to going to lunch when asked (and maybe saying no a few times so it's not so regular?) and to reply to messages she sends rather than trying to instigate them, would this help or is it not possible to do this? Maybe this way I could wean the friendship back towards something a bit more appropriate. Has anyone been in a similar situation and it not ended in disaster! 

Thanks again , I appreciate the advice


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It sounds like you have more than friend feelings for her, people get busy in their lives and contact can get less frequent or the friendship has grown old for her.

Have you asked her at these lunches why she always cancels times for both families to get together?

Maybe her husband does not approve of this friendship thus her canceling family get togethers. If all you truly want is to be her friend, then back off some and let the friendship be one day at a time.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thank you Lostme, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think I'm feeling a bit sad that we're not as close as we were which is what happens between even very good old friends, and that she still wants to be my friend and I need to deal with my clingy issues myself. 

I wondered if it was the husband maybe not wanting to meet us. I ask her why she cancels and the excuses not to meet are all usually completely fair, poorly children or family visiting, that kind of thing. And we are just as busy so finding a weekend free is difficult. We have a weekend penciled in in a few weeks to take the kids to a park all together and have lunch, I have told my wife and she's on board and the date is put aside. I asked her if she'd mentioned it to her husband and she said not yet, "it's just a park visit, it won't be a problem". You never know we might meet up and it'll be great but I'm willing to bet something comes up between now and then. Either way I guess this is a side issue that doesn't have much to do with my feelings but I thought it was worth mentioning.

In regards to taking it a day at a time, that is good advice and something that I'm definitely going to try. Like you said, I'm probably feeling more than friendship towards her and if I honestly want to just be her friend then I need to get used to just seeing her as and when it happens naturally and to stop messaging her all the time. If this isn't possible then I guess I need to slowly back off so as not to upset her. 

I think I knew all this, but having never spoken to anyone about it I wanted to just get someones advice.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WillFranc said:


> Has anyone been in a similar situation and it not ended in disaster!


I agree with the other poster that this woman is probably pulling back, either on her own or by request of her husband. She is doing the right thing. That is good. You need the same boundary. 

If you have those feelings for her of more than friendship, you must break off contact with her. Believe me, it is hard and it hurts. 

Stop pushing the park meet up. Because afterwards you will want more.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WillFranc said:


> I guess I need to slowly back off so as not to upset her.


No. You need to back off fully now. I have read a few books on EA and affairs and they all say the same thing. Do not worry about the other person. You need to stop contact with her.

If what you describe is correct, she has already backed off. YOU JUST NEED to do the same. She might hurt for a couple of days but will get over it, if she gets hurt at all.

YOU on the other hand will hurt for a long time if you do not end this friendship. *This friendship IS going to end, it is just a matter of how and when, and how much you get hurt doing it. 
*

ETA: When taking the EA quiz to determine if you are in one, one of the questions is "Do you think you are having an emotional affair?". So just that you are asking us this question is often a good indicator.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

WF,

Have you spoken with this woman about things you don't or can't tell your W?

If so this alone would be grounds for calling it an EA, this is often how full blown affairs start, no one should be granted confidences not shared with your W.

Was this woman saying things to you she did not say to her H?

Did you feel less attracted to your W when this woman was more into you.

If you reverse the roles how would you feel if your W were going to lunch with a coworker like yourself.

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yep. You are right. Just slow it down. Let it die down naturally and slowly. No drama. No hurt feelings.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thanks blueinbr, 

You've basically managed to describe the exact situation I'm in a lot more succinctly than I have! It's the feeling good when in contact and melancholy when not that is getting to me. It's like chasing an addiction and very rarely will an exchange end and it leave me happy to wait and leave it to the next one. 

I will take the advice seriously, and thank you for it. I think I will need to try and wean myself off slowly though with a bit of willpower rather than go full cold turkey. Part of me naively still thinks I can pull back enough to just be friends but hopefully I'm willing to take the steps in future if it becomes obvious I can't. 

I think the problem is inherent in my personality. I have always gotten on well with girls better than boys. My wife has previously commented that I'm close to a lot of her friends and I had a similar friend in the past that she voiced concerns about but that friendship has devolved into an email every few months. I've never cheated on my wife in the 13 years we've been together and I'm not about to start now but I think it has always bothered her that I have such close attachments to other girls no matter how innocent they are. She finds it weird but accepts it as part of me.

I think you are right in that I should stop pushing the outside work meet up. If this one falls through (and even if it doesn't) I won't mention it again. I figure if I start pulling back she may notice in which event I can maybe tell her how i feel to make the process a bit easier. For example, last week I tried to be a bit less keen with my message replies (I'm usually all laughs and smiles but I was a bit more one word answers in an attempt to be less keen) and after lunch she texted me to ask if I was ok as I seemed unhappy. 

Like you said it will be tough to break it off, but as I'm sure you know, the feeling of waiting for a response that never comes can wear you down. 

If you have any tips to dealing with it should it come to that please let me know. 

Thanks again


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Sorry, blueinbr, wrote all that before reading your second post. I will still take it on board. I think just admitting to myself that I could be in an EA has been hard so I think I will need to do lots of thinking about it. She's actually looking to move jobs so it might not be an issue for me soon! 


TAMAT 

"Have you spoken with this woman about things you don't or can't tell your W?" - No, In fact I tend to tell my wife a lot of the things we talk about in our lunches as it usually is about the experience of having young kids. I often use things she says to me as advice that I pass on to our situation.

"Was this woman saying things to you she did not say to her H?" - possibly but I don't think so, I get the impression she doesn't tell him about how often we meet. I could be wrong.

"Did you feel less attracted to your W when this woman was more into you." - Not at all. And that's an honest answer. I don't feel like the issue is a sex thing. 

"If you reverse the roles how would you feel if your W were going to lunch with a coworker like yourself." - I think honestly I would be concerned but I think I would be ok with it if I had met the person and maybe got to know him a bit. But no, you're probably right in that i wouldn't be thrilled.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WillFranc said:


> I think the problem is inherent in my personality. I have always gotten on well with girls better than boys. My wife has previously commented that I'm close to a lot of her friends and I had a similar friend in the past that she voiced concerns about but that friendship has devolved into an email every few months.* I've never cheated on my wife in the 13 years we've been together and I'm not about to start now but I think it has always bothered her that I have such close attachments to other girls no matter how innocent they are. She finds it weird but accepts it as part of me.*
> 
> *I think you are right in that I should stop pushing the outside work meet up.* If this one falls through (and even if it doesn't) I won't mention it again. I figure if I start pulling back she may notice in which event I can maybe tell her how i feel to make the process a bit easier. For example, last week I tried to be a bit less keen with my message replies (I'm usually all laughs and smiles but I was a bit more one word answers in an attempt to be less keen) and after lunch she texted me to ask if I was ok as I seemed unhappy.
> 
> ...


Your tendency to be close to woman (not girls...) is a concern. Your homework is to read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is 'the" book on how cheating starts. You can get a hardcopy but I ordered a kindle version. Easier to carry and less obvious to your wife. You need to read it. Like now. The "I'm not about to start now" is explained in the book, You are not planning it, but it could "just happen". And EAs can lead to PAs. Do not underestimate the potential damage. People here have had significant damage done to the marriage by "just" an EA. I used that word "just" a few times and was (correctedly) hammered by the betrayed spouses who did not see it only as a "just". 

Keep in mind emotional cheating is still cheating. Therapists may take a softer approach on that, but here at TAM we call it what it is. Do not be caught up on semantics. You are diverting emotional and mental energy from your wife to another woman. 

Feel free to send me a Private Message anytime if you want to talk or ask questions outside this thread. 

Oh, and BTW, the outside hookup is for you to see her, not for the two families to have fun. And not for your wife to have a new friend. IMO you want this as a safe date. Ok, maybe that is a stretch but you get the point hopefully.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

I can see that you're totally right in regards to the safe date. It just took someone to point it out to me and now you have I realise that it may not be a good idea. 

I also understand that it's never "just" an EA, and I would never try to justify it as harmless. I've been worried for a while hence the posting here. 
In all the times I've been friends with women, including my wife's friends. This is the first time that I have been concerned that my feelings are straying somewhere they shouldn't. 
I appreciate the advice and I may take you up on that and contact you in future. Just talking about it openly on here has helped.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You should tell your wife all this that you told us & about how you feel about this other woman.

If you don't feel comfortable doing that...then you have stuff to hide, and you are having an emotional affair.

Then you need to completely end communication and any sort of relationship with her. If work occasionally causes you to need to greet her...do so...but beyond that...no contact. 

You are both playing with fire.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like an EA on your part. Probably not really on hers -- not any more. She wants to remain in contact, on some level, but not as much as you do. And she doesn't want family meet-ups. She doesn't want to tell her husband she's still in contact with you because he very likely wouldn't approve (I don't think too many husbands would). 

The truth? You won't be able to return to just being her friend. You need to let go. Permanently. Now. 

PS
Find some male friends to hang out with.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It seems you are overly invested in her feelings and what she will think if you cut contact. I feel her husband knows and doesn't approve, or she realized that she is being inappropriate with you. So when you cut back on the happy texting; she then reaches out and asks you what is wrong. You two will go back and forth if you don't act on this now. It has all been said; cut off any and all contact with her. You have stated it might be heading in a bad direction and I agree with you.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, career woman, 36 years married (first time for the both of us), no children by choice. You admit that you have feelings beyond just a friend to this woman. This is a big problem as this could lead to an affair. She refuses to meet up with you and her family. Her husband does not approved of your friendship with her and rightly so. You need to stop going to lunches with her and texting.

Get a hobby and actively fill your hours with something meaningful to do like helping at household chores. Get your mind off this friendship. Your relationship to this woman is not good for your marriage.


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## Withnail42 (Jun 17, 2016)

I'm still working through a one-sided EA with an office colleague. I had to break off contact for the sake of my marriage, and my sanity.

You need to go 'cold turkey', there is no other way. Take one day at a time, and don't beat yourself up if you slip here and there. I wish I could tell you it will get easier, but I'm still in too deep emotionally. Give it time, keep your thread going, and PM me if you want to talk more.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

OP:

Your situation reminds me of a *former *female friend my husband had when we were dating.

She would not admit that she wanted to be more than friends with my husband when 1) we were dating, 2) after we got engaged, and 3) after we got married, but my instincts told me what was really going on regarding her.

My husband was like you regarding the fact that he was upfront with me regarding the time he spent with her. 

She was the one who initiated contact with him. She spent a lot of time alone with him while they were "friends".

However, she was also like you when she would not admit that she wanted to be more than friend to him.

I was like the husband of your female "friend" in that I did not like what was going on between them, especially on her end.

All of this happened from 2011 to 2015. 

She no longer has contact with my husband as of 2015.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice. I will keep the thread open and let you know how it goes. 

For those who are in EA's, ideally ones that are one-sided, are there any hints on fighting the urge to message all the time? I have plenty of hobbies and I also have male friends who I see regularly. It's usually when I'm sat alone that the urge strikes. I don't think about her when I'm doing things but you can't stay busy indefinitely.

Just speaking to you about it has helped. I've been a bit confused lately and knowing I'm not the only one who has these feelings has eased some of the anxiety I sometimes get. The last 24 hours or so I've only replied to a single message (answering a question) and have not been eagerly awaiting a reply so I feel like I can get through this. 

I know a lot of the advice is to completely cut contact and I'm not ruling this out, but I will (stupid as it may be) try and give backing off a go first and take one day at a time, seeing as it is one-sided and primarily my issue. I will start seeing her less, not texting outside of work, and cut out meetings other than lunch. I will maybe try and talk to her and see if her husband has a real issue and also talk to my wife. If either see our relationship as a problem I will start cutting contact all together. I also read that it can help to avoid seeing each other alone so could start inviting others for lunch with us. I know I'm flying in the face of all the advice, so please don't think I'm ignoring it but it's my problem and I'd like to try all avenues before shutting down the friendship. Like I said, I'll let you know how it goes.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Leave her alone. She has her reasons for pulling away. Be glad nothing bad has happened in either marriage.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

I take your point, but I don't think she is pulling away because I'm not sure she has ever felt anything for me other than friendship. She still texts me to see how I am and asks me to lunch so she most likely does and always has seen me as a friend. I think it could all be in my head. 

A question for women. Do you have any male friends that are purely platonic (at least in your eyes) that you see regularly and that your spouses might not be entirely happy with? Do you still see them or do you cut them out at your husbands request?


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

That sounded bad, I guess the question doesn't just apply to women.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

IMO it is hard for a woman and man to be platonic friends. From my own experience. Maybe there are people out there that this seems to work but not for me. I think you can have couple friends...but to have a friend of the opposite sex who is not a friend of your SO just asks for problems.
Think of this...you and your spouse have an argument and you call your friend. You go to lunch to discuss it...sympathetic ear. Then you start realizing how easy it is to talk to this person. You start talking to them more and more about everything...your marriage, dreams how work is going etc. 
That's when you start to have emotionally feeling for this person and seem to talk to them more than you talk to your own spouse.

It obviously doesn't happen like that on every case but start reading threads here on TAM and you will see that is a scenario (or something similar) that seems to happen over and over.

I personally don't think men and women are able to be just friends. Every male friend I've had the friendship has always ended with the guy saying I have feelings for you.

Again JMO.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP how can you possibly not recognize this relationship for what it is? It's an EA now that given the opportunity YOU would turn into a PA. You sound love sick, pinning away over a lost lover.

You are stealing emotional energy from your wife and marriage and spending it on a married woman, how do you not see that as an EA? You can't be that dense! Or did you come here hoping ONE person would support your view so you could approach this woman with PROOF that you two are doing nothing wrong?

There is nothing to debate or think about or talk over, if you value your marriage and respect your wife STOP playing around with this woman.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thanks Cooper, a bit blunt but I take your point! I'm certainly not dense and the main reason for posting in here is because I was 90% certain that this was an EA, albeit a one-sided one. My main question was, is it possible to reverse this back into a friendship through time and limiting contact. It would appear the resounding consensus is no it is not possible! I thought it best to ask around first to see if anyone had been in this situation. 

And to be clear, the very last thing I was looking for was justification for what's going on and support in progressing this to a PA. As I've said to someone in a private message, I do not want a romantic relationship with this person and do not feel, even if we were both single, that we would be compatible as a couple. What I do want is to see this person and be friends with them but not feel like like I NEED to see them. If I can't do this then I will be obviously left with no choice but to cut them out of my life. Sad I know but true. 

Once again, thanks for the advice, I appreciate it, no matter how tough.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a good thread to read ... once you get caught up in something like this.. (if she was being reciprocal to you)...you end up in a FOG.. and before you know it.. you'd be cheating... count it a blessing she has backed away from you...

*>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thank you, that's a really interesting read. 

You are also correct. At this stage I am assuming she has never reciprocated any feelings to me, in which case it's all my issue and I need to deal with that by backing off and analysing by own feelings. 

But, if she once were reciprocating and has since backed off then I should be very thankful that the situation never arose where I would be tested. I feel like I would never cheat but as that thread points out, if that situation were to arise I may not have resisted (the thought that I could or would have a full blown PA terrifies me a bit). Sometimes a bit of perspective is a great thing and as weird and screwed up as I have been on occasion, it could be much worse and all I need to do is to deal with the current situation.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WillFranc said:


> For those who are in EA's, ideally ones that are one-sided, are there any hints on fighting the urge to message all the time? I have plenty of hobbies and I also have male friends who I see regularly.* It's usually when I'm sat alone that the urge strikes*. I don't think about her when I'm doing things but you can't stay busy indefinitely.
> 
> Just speaking to you about it has helped. I've been a bit confused lately and knowing I'm not the only one who has these feelings has eased some of the anxiety I sometimes get. The last 24 hours or so I've only replied to a single message (answering a question) and have not been eagerly awaiting a reply so I feel like I can get through this.
> 
> I know a lot of the advice is to completely cut contact and I'm not ruling this out, but I will (stupid as it may be) try and give backing off a go first and take one day at a time, seeing as it is one-sided and primarily my issue. I will start seeing her less, not texting outside of work, and cut out meetings other than lunch. I will maybe try and talk to her and see if her husband has a real issue and also talk to my wife. If either see our relationship as a problem I will start cutting contact all together. I also read that it can help to avoid seeing each other alone so could start inviting others for lunch with us. I know I'm flying in the face of all the advice, so please don't think I'm ignoring it but it's my problem and I'd like to try all avenues before shutting down the friendship. Like I said, I'll let you know how it goes.


Will, you have AT LEAST three posters here in or were in EAs. Two are doing No Contact. The third is not and is still suffering. Well the other two are still having issues but they took the RIGHT path. 

You want to stay friends with her because you are hooked. And you are dead wrong that it is only YOUR problem. You forget another key player who I assure you is affected - YOUR WIFE. It is her problem too, she just does not know it.

There is no talking to the coworker about your feelings towards her. (That might be actually good since that would kill this immediately, but we cannot risk her saying she has feels towards you too. ) 



WillFranc said:


> Thanks Cooper, a bit blunt but I take your point! I'm certainly not dense and the main reason for posting in here is because I was 90% certain that this was an EA, albeit a one-sided one. *My main question was, is it possible to reverse this back into a friendship through time and limiting contact*. It would appear the resounding consensus is no it is not possible! I thought it best to ask around first to see if anyone had been in this situation.
> 
> And to be clear, the very last thing I was looking for was justification for what's going on and support in progressing this to a PA. As I've said to someone in a private message,* I do not want a romantic relationship with this person and do not feel, even if we were both single, that we would be compatible as a couple. **What I do want is to see this person and be friends with them but not feel like like I NEED to see them.* If I can't do this then I will be obviously left with no choice but to cut them out of my life. Sad I know but true.


Can you be friends? NO. NO. NO. 

"What I do *want* is to see this person and be friends with them but not feel like like I NEED to see them." What you want means you are in an EA and looking for a safe way out so that you do not hurt your coworker NOR lose her because you cannot give her up. You know this is wrong but you are finding a way to keep getting the dopamine rush when she contacts you. 

An alcoholic cannot have just one drink. A compulsive gambler cannot place just one bet. 

What is going on at home? How is the sex life? That is a very important and telling question.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

WillFranc said:


> I take your point, but I don't think she is pulling away because I'm not sure she has ever felt anything for me other than friendship. She still texts me to see how I am and asks me to lunch so she most likely does and always has seen me as a friend. I think it could all be in my head.
> 
> A question for women. Do you have any male friends that are purely platonic (at least in your eyes) that you see regularly and that your spouses might not be entirely happy with? Do you still see them or do you cut them out at your husbands request?


I don't have any male friends I go out with even for coffee even though I work with many males.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Thanks @notmyrealname4

I am trying to do the right thing. And once again you are correct about the whole messaging my male friends does not illicit the same feelings, although with some friends I do have the same waiting for response feeling so maybe part of this is in my personality as a sociable person. I am a compulsive "last texter" When in a conversation I always tend to send "one more" text or email, regardless who it is to or from. I always feel like I'm the one who has the last word and ends the conversation and have often looked at my phone to see if there were any more responses and sometimes this does get to me a little. To be clear this is with many people male and female! haha! 

Ha ha I love Chess and sadly can't get my friends into it! I have one friend who I do play chess with and I'm always refreshing my phone to see if he's done a move! And believe it or not, if it were a choice between seeing this girl for lunch or going to pub to watch football or playing golf I would nine times out of ten choose seeing my male friends! I'd just like to see her outside work occasionally as our work lunches are very short. (we've only met up once at a kids play area, and my wife came, and it was fine!). Do you ever see a friend and think that it's a shame that the time always goes so fast? That!

I think wanting to see this person isn't about anything missing at home, it's more that I want to fill that sociable gap whilst at work (my wife works close but is unable to come meet me, and trust me If she were I would always and have in the past chosen her over this person). What maybe has made me feel like this is that initially this work friend was able to see me more often and regularly contacted me for tea breaks and the like. Now it is more difficult for her to get away so it feels more like a kind of rejection by a friend (or maybe this is in fact her pulling back a bit, who knows). This is probably unfair as it is genuinely not her fault that she can't spare the time as much. 

Anyway rambling again. Thanks for the reply.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What is your age and your wife's? Rough age is ok if you want to blur that.

Any kids? How old?

How long married and how long have you dated prior to marriage?

Are you satisfied with your sex life.

BTW, tea break. :smile2: You must be in the U.K.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

Ok, this will be my last post for a while otherwise I'll be here forever responding. I need to step back and take stock.

Re: our home life. We are genuinely very happy. We are still close and affectionate despite being together 13 years! haha! We have two young kids under 3 so currently the sex life is on hold a bit. I would (like most men) like it more often but as I'm sure most of you will know, sleep is sometimes more appealing than sex and it's certainly not always her that is saying no! We are both fine and comfortable with this, and there was the same gap in activity after the birth of our first child but as things settled we resumed our much more regular sex life so I know that that will come back with time. I cannot stress that enough that I do not feel like I am sexually dissatisfied at home because I know a lot of people will jump to that being a cause for this kind of thing. The time we do spend together without kids is great and I'm looking forward to getting gradually more as time goes on and the kids get older.

We argue about average for a married couple I would say and usually only when tired or stressed. Anyone who says they don't argue with their spouse is a liar! We never stay mad longer than an hour as we hate being upset with each other. Also it's worth adding that I text and message my wife when we're apart much much more than I do this friend. And I rarely will be having text conversations with her when I am spending time with my family. Like I said its usually when I'm on my own and not got my mind on anything in particular. And like I mentioned before, when I am sat alone just texting It won't just be her I will most likely be chatting with my other friends in group chats about football etc. Maybe I need to give my phone a break and read more! haha!

Right, I will leave this now and check back periodically so please keep the advice coming. I will try and update things in the future.


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## WillFranc (Jul 12, 2016)

quick answers:

Age: early 30's, same age. (met at college)

Two kids: 3 (pretty much) and less than 6 months. (I will add that 90% of the conversations I have with this person are about our kids. She has some that are a bit older so I get a lot of advice. I kind of get to hear about what we're in for! lol)

Married: 7 years, dated 5 years before that. 

Sex life: V satisfied, but looking forward to having the energy in the future to do more!

and yes of course im in the uk.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Your doctor tells you that you have cancer. The good news is, it is contained in one tumor. He gives you the solution that he can go in and remove it in one surgery, and you will be cancer free. There is no downside to his recommendation. 

Instead, you say you would prefer to have him only take out certain little pieces of it, that you want to keep the rest in there. You tell him you think that might work. You really kinda like having cancer so you want to see if it could work that way.

He tells you this will not get rid of it, that it may cause it overall to grow bigger, to spread, and it could ultimately kill you.

The choice is yours. It's your body, your marriage.
Your relationship with this woman is cancerous to your marriage. 

But you are an addict to this other woman. Keep texting, keep going to lunch and soon your marriage will be terminal.

Cut out the cancer completely, and you have an excellent chance at success. Leave it in there and nurture it, and it will grow and destroy you.


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## Withnail42 (Jun 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Your doctor tells you that you have cancer. The good news is, it is contained in one tumor. He gives you the solution that he can go in and remove it in one surgery, and you will be cancer free. There is no downside to his recommendation.
> 
> Instead, you say you would prefer to have him only take out certain little pieces of it, that you want to keep the rest in there. You tell him you think that might work. You really kinda like having cancer so you want to see if it could work that way.
> 
> ...


Great analogy, and I couldn't agree more. The sooner the better dude.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

OP:

Your replies remind me of how the former female friend of my husband acted as well as what she told me and him.

I would not be surprised if she felt the same way you did.

The last he heard from her was on Facebook. She sent him a message stating that she is getting help for her issues by going to a counselor and that she cannot be his friend.

You cannot have both.

You have to make a choice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You're lucky you're not my husband....

You have no business carrying on this type of "friendship" in the first place. Stop trying to keep her in your life...have some respect for your wife and LET IT GO.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

WillFranc said:


> Thanks Cooper, a bit blunt but I take your point! I'm certainly not dense and the main reason for posting in here is because I was 90% certain that this was an EA, albeit a one-sided one. My main question was, is it possible to reverse this back into a friendship through time and limiting contact. *It would appear the resounding consensus is no it is not possible! I thought it best to ask around first to see if anyone had been in this situation. *
> 
> And to be clear, the very last thing I was looking for was justification for what's going on and support in progressing this to a PA. As I've said to someone in a private message, I do not want a romantic relationship with this person and do not feel, even if we were both single, that we would be compatible as a couple. What I do want is to see this person and be friends with them but not feel like like I NEED to see them. If I can't do this then I will be obviously left with no choice but to cut them out of my life. Sad I know but true.
> 
> Once again, thanks for the advice, I appreciate it, no matter how tough.


It is possible with the right mindset and self control. I was in a one-sided EA and didn't even realize it at first. From comments my wife made I eventually realized what was happening. I was addicted to the rush of interacting with the OW. I was escalating contact and headed for a bad place. 

I studied up on boundaries and began limiting contact. I set a maximum amount of interactions per week and would keep to it. I eventually resigned from an organization I was in to help limit our interaction further (we were both in positions that required frequent communication). I made sure that my wife knew about every interaction. Response to emails an requests were delayed and done at a time when it was unlikely she would reply right away. I put away devices afterwards and did something else so as not to be tempted to look for a response. Over time this worked for me. It also maintained my wife's friendship with her which she needs more than I do.

We are still friends and my feelings for her have gone. I saw and talked to her last week for a good while while my wife could see us. But I am aware that if I let the ecalation of contact start again that the feelings could return. Now I apply these methods to my other opposite sex friends.

For people who are not able to admit to themselves they have a problem and who are not able to impose working boundaries this method will not work. For many it's playing with fire and avoidance is the best policy (Nod to Entropy3000). However the OW has benefited me by making me a better Dad and husband so I didn't want to remove the parts of our interactions that are good. To do so too aggressively ultimately denies every married person the ability to interact with half the population. So I chose to try to understand what love is and how it starts and how to keep it from starting with others inappropriately. It's all about boundaries!

Good luck...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

WillFranc said:


> Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there and see if anyone had any advice.


Just one piece... Get some guy friends and leave this guy's wife alone. You sound very beta. What do you talk about, the Kardashians? Find some testosterone to hang out with.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

"If you reverse the roles how would you feel if your W were going to lunch with a coworker like yourself." - I think honestly I would be concerned but I think I would be ok with it if I had met the person and maybe got to know him a bit. But no, you're probably right in that i wouldn't be thrilled.[/QUOTE]

So, my H's XAP actually got her friend to introduce her BH to my H so they would "become friends" so that she could spend more time with my H...just sayin'


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

WillFranc said:


> are there any hints on fighting the urge to message all the time?


Here's a hint: Message your wife instead of your crush.

If you really think you are above board with this ,tell your wife everything ,including your feelings "of more than a friend". You're putting way too much time , effort and thought into this to be a "platonic friendship". Hard stop and put all of that time effort and thought into your wife and your marriage.

The fact that you appear to know the husband is not OK with your relationship with his wife, and you proceed anyway is totally disrespectful and could and probably should get you in the express lane to an a$$ whipping. Just a heads up in case that hadn't dawned on you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WillFranc said:


> Thank you Lostme, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think I'm feeling a bit sad that we're not as close as we were which is what happens between even very good old friends, and that she still wants to be my friend and I need to deal with my clingy issues myself.
> 
> I wondered if it was the husband maybe not wanting to meet us. I ask her why she cancels and the excuses not to meet are all usually completely fair, poorly children or family visiting, that kind of thing. And we are just as busy so finding a weekend free is difficult. We have a weekend penciled in in a few weeks to take the kids to a park all together and have lunch, I have told my wife and she's on board and the date is put aside. I asked her if she'd mentioned it to her husband and she said not yet, "it's just a park visit, it won't be a problem". You never know we might meet up and it'll be great but I'm willing to bet something comes up between now and then. Either way I guess this is a side issue that doesn't have much to do with my feelings but I thought it was worth mentioning.
> 
> ...


Why don't you find a woman for your own instead of trying to scope out some guys wife.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Why don't you find a woman for your own instead of trying to scope out some guys wife.




OP is already and still married.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> OP is already and still married.



Even worse. OP divorce your wife so she can find better.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@WillFranc Have you made any progress of correcting your problem?


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## XenChi (May 13, 2017)

Long story short......It's an emotional relationship FOR YOU. She's trying to let you down easy and you aren't taking the hint. Do both of you a favor, and let go of the friendship entirely. I'm sorry for the bad news mate.


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