# Am I killing my marriage?



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

I am looking for some advice, although have a suspicion about what this advice may be. I have been reading many threads on here and have gathered I may well be in the wrong and indeed happy to take on board those words.

I love my wife, have been married for over 5 years now, but it is floundering. I do everything for my wife, almost everyday I will do something physical for her such as a massage, hair nails, her feet, her hair, anything. I will always tell her how good she looks (which is genuine) always give her kisses and would spend every second cuddling, caressing, anything physically really. If she is sat and says something like she needs a drink, not asking just saying, I will immediately fetch one. Food is the same, she hardly has to move at all if she say wished, but that is not to say she doesn’t as she does keep the house in good order daily, cooks and cleans and the such, and she has supported me in some difficult times and been a real rock in our lives, and been unwaveringly committed and strong in those difficult situations that were due to outside influences.

If she is on her laptop I sit patiently and quietly spending all my time with her. I don’t have a circle of friends, or even one that I go out with ever (but since childhood this has been the case). If she suggests something to do I will agree saying it is a good idea, but am quite frankly poor at coming up with ideas myself so most things seem good ideas!! If she is sitting downstairs then goes up I follow and sit with her, in fact the only time we are apart is either when I am at work, but then I text and call asking how she is, or when she decides she is doing something that is not including me, but then I try to go out of my way to be involved, and occasionally I brave a move to go on my Xbox, but then only if I know if she is going to be busy on her laptop for a couple of hours.

I’m sure you get the picture, now thing is when we first met she was the most affectionate and loving person I have ever met and had a high sex drive all of which meant I was happy to be wed to her,but that has gone, along with our sex life, and I am desperately missing it and she knows it, but now figure it is my fault, but I also feel that if I don’t do all this it will show I am not interested and will be “out of sight, out of mind” or an unloving husband, it just seems the right thing to do, but then the less I get out of her the more I put in thinking it is the best way forward.

So am I really killing things being too much as I feel I am losing her and what is the best means of getting those affections and loving back?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You may want to look into the No More Mr Nice Guy information. From my experience, putting your wife up on a pedestal is very damaging to the relationship. They lose respect for you which means they lose interest in you in all ways.

I am going through Divorce and had treated my wife in similar ways.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband treats me like you treat your wife. From day one he's put my needs before his. In return I do the same for him. I honestly don't see a problem with it until she gives you the cold shoulder. I'm assuming she needs her space for a while. She might be feeling smothered. 

I personally love the affection. You wife doesn't realize how good she has it with you. I really can't give you any advice, just support. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband treats me like you treat your wife. From day one he's put my needs before his. In return I do the same for him. I honestly don't see a problem with it until she gives you the cold shoulder. I'm assuming she needs her space for a while. She might be feeling smothered.
> 
> I personally love the affection. You wife doesn't realize how good she has it with you. I really can't give you any advice, just support. Good luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some women love and respect that type of attention, but from the description of the writer of this thread, it is unwelcomed and causing damage.

If she is not responding in kind, I would back off.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

It honestly sounds like you are doing WAY too much and she is getting sick of it. Or she is taking you for granted. You are always there doting on her so she can take "or leave" your affection.....

This is just my opinion. I am a wife and would love it if my DH gave me a bit more affection BUT what you describe sounds like way too much and it seems that over time it has gotten to her.......

I would chill a bit and step back, make her MISS YOU, make her MISS being around you and WANT to have you near.

I think it woudl help. Following her around the house and just "waiting" for her to spend time just sounds wierd to me.

You need to be your own MAN. Every woman wants a MAN - not someone that is just waiting for any attention they can get?

does this make sense? i think your behavior would get boring to any woman over time..


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## mumzie (Jan 25, 2012)

see my df is completely opposite  id love some affection!
when i was pregnant he hardly touched me, when im not he slaps my ass as he walks by and askes for 'cuddles' at the end of the day and thats it but i dont want to have sex then coz we have hardly touched all day.

i suggest toning it down abit. make some mates and go have some buy time, leave her alone on the pc... but the rest is gold! if you stop she might think you dont love her maybe??


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you need to find some hobbies or pursuits that are yours alone. It will make you more interesting and appealing a partner if your life is not solely centered on your relationship with her. When you first got together, you probably both had plenty of things that you did apart from each other and just because you're married doesn't mean you have to do everything together or that you have to worship her or cater to her all the time. Maybe you're giving her too much attention and she is feeling stifled and reaching less to you because of it? De-pressurize your relationship a little and it might help you both.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh, you sound so sweet.

But if I had to base on actions alone, this kind of attention, coming from even a normal household, would leave me feeling a little creeped out! Like living in a fishbowl. I'm accustomed to having lived in a fishbowl, always being watched and followed, but it was different - diplomatic service. Host country always toddling along behind...

I think you need an art like painting or sketching, photography or writing. Even sewing. You could take up sewing and make beautiful dresses or even design hair pieces for your wife. Then you could take her to a couple's dance class or out to the movies (or to designer shows or art galleries to get ideas). How about a language class or a cooking club, something you can do together that the both of you have an interest in, or agree that it's completely off the wall and so decide to explore it together (I took archery once, loved it.)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Shinobi said:


> I am looking for some advice, although have a suspicion about what this advice may be. I have been reading many threads on here and have gathered I may well be in the wrong and indeed happy to take on board those words.
> 
> I love my wife, have been married for over 5 years now, but it is floundering. I do everything for my wife, almost everyday I will do something physical for her such as a massage, hair nails, her feet, her hair, anything. I will always tell her how good she looks (which is genuine) always give her kisses and would spend every second cuddling, caressing, anything physically really. If she is sat and says something like she needs a drink, not asking just saying, I will immediately fetch one. Food is the same, she hardly has to move at all if she say wished, but that is not to say she doesn’t as she does keep the house in good order daily, cooks and cleans and the such, and she has supported me in some difficult times and been a real rock in our lives, and been unwaveringly committed and strong in those difficult situations that were due to outside influences.
> 
> ...


You are acting like her servant, not her husband, which is why she probably does not find it attractive. This is not healthy for either of you. Give her space, get yourself some things to do, and expect her to provide some loving getures to you on occasion.


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## Cl0ckw0rk (Jul 10, 2018)

You sound like a very sweet person, however, the best marriages are ones where the couple each explores outside interests. There is such a thing as too much togetherness, which is probably the problem. My husband wants to be together 24/7. It feels like a control issue on his part. I have to check in with him even if I step outside to change the sprinkler. If I go to the store he calls me. He only works a few hours a week, but I have to take him and pick him up. I have a difficult time even getting to go to a movie once a year. I haven't been able to visit my family who lives in another state in 5 years because "how will I take care of myself if you aren't here." It drives me nuts and we are on the verge of divorce because of it. I'm an artist, but can't have any time to work because he needs constant attention. Do yourself and your wife a favor, go volunteer somewhere. Make some friends. Get a life away from your relationship so that she can explore her interests too. Suffocation is a relationship killer.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

God all of that worshipping would kill me. Its too much. I dont need anyone to that all of that for me. You are suffocating her. Give the woman some space for Christ sake. 

OP go get a hobby outside the house. Find something you enjoy doing. Go meet friends. Do something anything outside and away from your wife. 

People need to be by themselves sometimes. Do you wipe her butt too? You are over doing it. 

Leave your wife alone and stop pandering to her. You are not the servant. She would have more respect if you improve you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Last two posters: check the date. This is from 2012.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Shinobi said:


> I am looking for some advice, although have a suspicion about what this advice may be. I have been reading many threads on here and have gathered I may well be in the wrong and indeed happy to take on board those words.
> 
> I love my wife, have been married for over 5 years now, but it is floundering. I do everything for my wife, almost everyday I will do something physical for her such as a massage, hair nails, her feet, her hair, anything. I will always tell her how good she looks (which is genuine) always give her kisses and would spend every second cuddling, caressing, anything physically really. If she is sat and says something like she needs a drink, not asking just saying, I will immediately fetch one. Food is the same, she hardly has to move at all if she say wished, but that is not to say she doesn’t as she does keep the house in good order daily, cooks and cleans and the such, and she has supported me in some difficult times and been a real rock in our lives, and been unwaveringly committed and strong in those difficult situations that were due to outside influences.
> 
> ...


YES, you doing everything for her, constantly hanging around her, waiting for her needs instead of taking care of your own is killing your marriage and her respect for you. Even if all you do is go out for walk, to a movie by yourself or to the gym, you need to start doing things without her and for yourself. You should still be there for her but not attached to her and waiting and wanting to take care of her every need


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ZOMBIE thread.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

“I do everything for my wife, almost everyday I will do something physical for her such as a massage, hair nails, her feet, her hair, anything. I will always tell her how good she looks (which is genuine) always give her kisses and would spend every second cuddling, caressing, anything physically really. If she is sat and says something like she needs a drink, not asking just saying, I will immediately fetch one. Food is the same, she hardly has to move at all if she say wished”

“If she is on her laptop I sit patiently and quietly spending all my time with her. I don’t have a circle of friends, or even one that I go out with ever (but since childhood this has been the case). If she suggests something to do I will agree saying it is a good idea”

“the only time we are apart is either when I am at work, but then I text and call asking how she is, or when she decides she is doing something that is not including me, but then I try to go out of my way to be involved, and occasionally I brave a move to go on my Xbox, but then only if I know if she is going to be busy on her laptop for a couple of hours.”

You do her nails? Really? You are not acting like an equal partner that is someone that she can respect or find interesting. The whole master-slave thing that you have going is not what she wants in marriage. In her mind you are not good husband material. 

With the lack of sex, I am guessing that she is open to other men as she searches for a husband. If she has not yet found an interesting candidate, she is looking.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You are the blue beta provider. The orbiting white knight. And you are a piece of furniture in your household. Useful for such items as you listed, but just used and not thought about much....

You are on a ledge, and you can see what is before you. But you are wary of taking another step. A step to self realization that YOU have needs too! And she is woefully not meeting them as a partner in this marriage.

No more mr. nice guy, and the 180 will start your path.... Start them immediately. You will see that you have self love and self respect. Do it now.

As you start the 180, and stop orbiting her...She WILL notice. Then is the time to tell her matter of factly that she doesn't respect you or the terms of the marriage were changed without you knowing. And you are just stopping participating in light of such facts.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

You may be a little. He is also killing it unless you've just not yet articulated it.

What you describe sounds ok, for a honeymoon phase of the relationship. That lovey, dovey time to where each of you just can't get enough of the other and you just want to spend every waning moment together. The thing is that phase is temporary. Maybe the really successful couples can regularly "visit" moments like that but they don't live there. At some point things come down to Earth. 

You sound like you are smothering her a bit and it sounds like you are worshipping her and putting her on the proverbial pedestal. Many women say they want to be treated like that but they really don't. 

They want to be loved and treated with respect but not have you kissing their ass every second of the day. Women respect men who are kind and love them but won't take crap and say no from time to time when the case calls for it, someone who has the balls to stand up to her sometimes. Tease and flirt with her sometimes instead of just gushing 24/7 about how everything about her is perfect. 

Get some guy friends and get some hobbies too. You can spend most of your time together but it is healthy to get together with other people and pursue your separate hobbies too. 

On her part, if what you are doing is bringing her down it is her role as a faithful, loving wife to tell you about it lovingly and honestly so each of you can express how you two feel about things and you two can come to a compromise and make needed changes. 

If she is just silently keeping this to herself and letting herself drift away and not share her feelings with you than she is also helping to bring this relationship down.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zombie. Closing. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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