# Dealing with unfaithful husband



## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Hello, 
I'm new here and not quite sure how to do this since I've never been a part of an online group. I have been married for 6 years to a man who has been unfaithful for the duration of our marriage. He is hooked on dating websites and has had multiple dating profiles throughout our marriage. We filed for divorce first year then reconciled. We separated last year, then he moved me back because "I'm his wife" and he will not allow me to leave him. That said, we are exactly where we were 6 years ago. He has never shown remorse or a desire to change. I know what to do but in the meantime we are still living together due to financial reasons. Just need support getting through this nightmare especially since my husband thinks he is entitled to this way of life as a married man.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Welcome to the site. However, be prepared for some direct questions. I'll start.

Are you from a country to allows slavery? You have a US flag in your profile, so if you're in the US, slavery is illegal. You have a say in your life. It's not just him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

monserrat67 said:


> he will not allow me to leave him.


That’s not true. It’s only easier to pretend it to be true. You are where you are because you have taught him that his behavior is acceptable. He is indeed a problem but just as much as you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

monserrat67 said:


> Hello,
> I'm new here and not quite sure how to do this since I've never been a part of an online group. I have been married for 6 years to a man who has been unfaithful for the duration of our marriage. He is hooked on dating websites and has had multiple dating profiles throughout our marriage. We filed for divorce first year then reconciled. We separated last year, then he moved me back because "I'm his wife" and he will not allow me to leave him. That said, we are exactly where we were 6 years ago. He has never shown remorse or a desire to change. I know what to do but in the meantime we are still living together due to financial reasons. Just need support getting through this nightmare especially since my husband thinks he is entitled to this way of life as a married man.


Why did you reconcile with a man who showed no remorse? I’m not picking at you, just trying to get an idea of your motivations here.

Are you still having sex with him in the mean time? Sleeping in the same bed? Does he know that you want out? How does he keep you from leaving him exactly?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

monserrat67 said:


> he moved me back
> he will not allow me to leave him
> my husband thinks he is entitled to this way of life


Since you're staying for financial reasons, solve your financial problems and then get the hell out of there.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

monserrat67 said:


> Hello,
> I'm new here and not quite sure how to do this since I've never been a part of an online group. I have been married for 6 years to a man who has been unfaithful for the duration of our marriage. He is hooked on dating websites and has had multiple dating profiles throughout our marriage. We filed for divorce first year then reconciled. We separated last year, then he moved me back because "I'm his wife" and he will not allow me to leave him. That said, we are exactly where we were 6 years ago. He has never shown remorse or a desire to change. I know what to do but in the meantime we are still living together due to financial reasons. Just need support getting through this nightmare especially since my husband thinks he is entitled to this way of life as a married man.


Monserrat, so sorry that you are going through this situation. First off, do you have any children with this man? Second, why exactly are you still with him? Is it purely for financial reason or are you still in love with him? I ask because, he is definitely not in love with you. You sound more like property, to me. If you behaved in the same manner as him, having affairs with other men, would he treat you the same? See where I am going here? For better or worse, your situation is a product of what you have allowed. At some point, you have to come to the realization that your misery is not going to stop until you put a stop to it. If you stay, your entitled, POS husband that treats you like a piece of real estate, will continue to forsake you because you allow him to do so. If you are content with that, then I have no idea why you are here. But, presumably, you are sick of it and hopefully, are at your wits end. 

Also, if he has "never shown remorse or a desire to change", why the hell did you move back in with him? Did you he handcuff you and lock you in the basement???? That makes no sense to me. What drew you back to him after you had separated if he did absolutely nothing to try to make ammends? This part of your story makes absolutely no sense to me.

It's time to consult a lawyer. A lawyer will help you figure the financial side of things. You believe that you are financially screwed if you leave him? In the short run, yes, you might be required to count on family for some help. But, if your husband is the real bread-winner in this relationship (and I assume that is the case since you say you are staying with him for financial reasons), than your lawyer can help you get alimony in a divorce.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is there violence? 

When he says he won’t allow you to leave, what was life like during the times you were separated, did he harass you? Did you leave or ‘escape’?

Do you have supportive parents or did you come from an abusive controlling background?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You left once, why cant you do it again?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He’ll never stop and you don’t need his permission to file for D. 

Right now you are the only one keeping yourself in this.

Stay and this will be your life with him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

monserrat67 said:


> Hello,
> I'm new here and not quite sure how to do this since I've never been a part of an online group. I have been married for 6 years to a man who has been unfaithful for the duration of our marriage. He is hooked on dating websites and has had multiple dating profiles throughout our marriage. We filed for divorce first year then reconciled. We separated last year, then he moved me back because "I'm his wife" and he will not allow me to leave him. That said, we are exactly where we were 6 years ago. He has never shown remorse or a desire to change. I know what to do but in the meantime we are still living together due to financial reasons. Just need support getting through this nightmare especially since my husband thinks he is entitled to this way of life as a married man.


You say you know what to do, but can't afford it. Well then work hard to get the money to do it. That should be your primary focus.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Welcome to the site. However, be prepared for some direct questions. I'll start.
> 
> Are you from a country to allows slavery? You have a US flag in your profile, so if you're in the US, slavery is illegal. You have a say in your life. It's not just him.





Sfort said:


> Welcome to the site. However, be prepared for some direct questions. I'll start.
> 
> Are you from a country to allows slavery? You have a US flag in your profile, so if you're in the US, slavery is illegal. You have a say in your life. It's not just him.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Good Morning,

I really appreciate the hard questions and insightful comments. This is incredibly helpful.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> That’s not true. It’s only easier to pretend it to be true. You are where you are because you have taught him that his behavior is acceptable. He is indeed a problem but just as much as you.


I agree.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Why did you reconcile with a man who showed no remorse? I’m not picking at you, just trying to get an idea of your motivations here.
> 
> Are you still having sex with him in the mean time? Sleeping in the same bed? Does he know that you want out? How does he keep you from leaving him exactly?


I am no longer sleeping or having sex with him. He keeps me from "leaving" by creating financial burdens for me. He has a lot of money and access to many resources. I on the other hand, am a salaried employee working for a school district. I have been saving money to move on my own.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Since you're staying for financial reasons, solve your financial problems and then get the hell out of there.


working on it.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> Monserrat, so sorry that you are going through this situation. First off, do you have any children with this man? Second, why exactly are you still with him? Is it purely for financial reason or are you still in love with him? I ask because, he is definitely not in love with you. You sound more like property, to me. If you behaved in the same manner as him, having affairs with other men, would he treat you the same? See where I am going here? For better or worse, your situation is a product of what you have allowed. At some point, you have to come to the realization that your misery is not going to stop until you put a stop to it. If you stay, your entitled, POS husband that treats you like a piece of real estate, will continue to forsake you because you allow him to do so. If you are content with that, then I have no idea why you are here. But, presumably, you are sick of it and hopefully, are at your wits end.
> 
> Also, if he has "never shown remorse or a desire to change", why the hell did you move back in with him? Did you he handcuff you and lock you in the basement???? That makes no sense to me. What drew you back to him after you had separated if he did absolutely nothing to try to make ammends? This part of your story makes absolutely no sense to me.
> 
> It's time to consult a lawyer. A lawyer will help you figure the financial side of things. You believe that you are financially screwed if you leave him? In the short run, yes, you might be required to count on family for some help. But, if your husband is the real bread-winner in this relationship (and I assume that is the case since you say you are staying with him for financial reasons), than your lawyer can help you get alimony in a divorce.


Thanks so much for your response. This is a second marriage for both of us and we both have children from our previous marriage, none together. I am not with him for financial reasons, I have a good paying job and I'm perfectly capable to taking care of myself. I was a single mother of 7 for 15 years when I married him. Not an excuse, I worked hard at making our marriage work because I did not want another broken relationship. Sadly, my desire to keep my marriage destroyed my self esteem and sense of self. I am no longer that person and want nothing more than to be on my own. There are a few things complicating my current status as my husband is threatening to sue me for spousal support since he doesn't work and I'm in a high paying position. He has a very robust 401 K from which he draws money on a monthly basis and don't know how this will be factored in. I have consulted with a few attorneys to make the most appropriate move in my case. 

Regarding what happened a year ago when he moved me back, I was working 300 miles away from home and had a second place where I resided during the week while I worked. I was very sick at home with pneumonia when he went to my apartment (near my work location) and moved me to a different location while I was home recovering from pneumonia. It's complicated.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> He’ll never stop and you don’t need his permission to file for D.
> 
> Right now you are the only one keeping yourself in this.
> 
> Stay and this will be your life with him.


Completely agree. I have consulted a few attorneys already.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So you are being proactive in getting out of this mess. It is going to take time. I guess you could technically call yourselves room mates eh? See him in that light and don't file for divorce until you can get off the hook regarding giving him spousal support. You surely did get yourself in a big mess with this fellow. He is a nut case. That will never change. Stay with us. We are here for YOU. Be patient in this situation. It will take time to resolve. Be smart about your money. Be smart about not committing to any other men. Simply date and enjoy life. You can be independent and seek company when you may want it with hardly any strings attached. That is what I do and I couldn't be happier. Single, independent life is the way for me. I don't want a 3rd marriage. I don't need the hassle, drama, financial mess either.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

monserrat67 said:


> I am no longer sleeping or having sex with him. He keeps me from "leaving" by creating financial burdens for me. He has a lot of money and access to many resources. I on the other hand, am a salaried employee working for a school district. I have been saving money to move on my own.


I would think finding an attorney willing to go after his many resources on contingency to accomplish a divorce wouldn't be a problem. I have friends whose wives filed and the friends had to pay both attorneys. Talk to some of your female friends who have divorced and ask their help with this.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> So you are being proactive in getting out of this mess. It is going to take time. I guess you could technically call yourselves room mates eh? See him in that light and don't file for divorce until you can get off the hook regarding giving him spousal support. You surely did get yourself in a big mess with this fellow. He is a nut case. That will never change. Stay with us. We are here for YOU. Be patient in this situation. It will take time to resolve. Be smart about your money. Be smart about not committing to any other men. Simply date and enjoy life. You can be independent and seek company when you may want it with hardly any strings attached. That is what I do and I couldn't be happier. Single, independent life is the way for me. I don't want a 3rd marriage. I don't need the hassle, drama, financial mess either.


I completely agree with you. That's the exact approach I'm taking and working on a strategy to keep him from screwing me over even more. Thanks for your kind words and feedback.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Is there violence?
> 
> When he says he won’t allow you to leave, what was life like during the times you were separated, did he harass you? Did you leave or ‘escape’?
> 
> Do you have supportive parents or did you come from an abusive controlling background?


Good question. He is not physically violent but does have aggressive tendencies if that makes sense. Sadly, my childhood experience and upbringing has played a role in this. My mother put up with tons of abuse and though I promised not to follow in her footsteps, I see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Fortunately, I have resources that are helping me break away from this cycle of abuse.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I would think finding an attorney willing to go after his many resources on contingency to accomplish a divorce wouldn't be a problem.


Be careful wasting OP's time. Contingency fees are against the law in most states for divorces.


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