# Communication -Change - Intimacy to Sex



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I know this forum is called talk about marriage. Perhaps its the sex 
and perhaps the basic fundamental issue here is the “talking” or communication.

Its definitely the core issue at hand is the communication. I should know because
I have been the one sharing and communicating how I feel with my wife and she does
not seem to want to communicate about things. Because of that I have shared with 
coaches, counselors and experts who all say - she is the ones that needs to have 
this discussion and you have to do this together..

This is quite strange to say the least. Perhaps I use this forum as a way to 
vent and get things off my chest. I have been told by many friends, coaches and 
counselors that I am a great communicator. Yet with my wife my communication does
not seem to work. Perhaps I put too much importance on our marriage and intimacy 
and perhaps the real issue is communication.

What do you do if your wife avoids talking about an issue, avoids answering you and
even when you share the importance of all of this. When life seems to have more important 
issues to deal with such as work, working out, cleaning the house, organizing things 
in an obsessive compulsive way you start to wonder if perhaps the problem is avoiding 
a discussion that could further your marriage and relationship because your wife is 
busy distracting herself from having that conversation with you since its not a 
priority to her or perhaps its just pure avoidance ..

There has been progress on different paths and places just not where I desire. 

For example I have lost a lot of weight and look in better shape then I have ever been 
in my life and since my wife has known me..My wife pays me compliments and comments that 
I am looking good and the best I have looked. I am also noticing others being nicer and
I have an increased confidence.. I feel sexy and I look awesome. Yet I know that is NOT everything and only on the outside. Whats amazing to me is when I was 35 lbs overweight I seemed to have more sex and yet that could be timing of what is happening with my wife.

I have increased activities that make me feel good, I have taken dance classes and I am
doing things more for the betterment of myself and because of self love..

I have increased energy and libido from my changes and I am still stuck or 
perhaps its not that I am stuck…its that my wife is the stuck one and I just 
happen to be in for the ride or no ride ..

My wife has worked on improving her situation because for the last 3 years 
she has not been to a doctor or anything that has evaluated her lack of libido
or the fact that she has no desire for sex at age 47 it seems like sleep and 
work are the most important things…

Over the past 30 days my wife has been taking steps not because of me telling her
but I think she has started wondering what the issues are. She has scheduled 
appointment with naturopath whom said her adrenals are running on air. He suggested
that it could take 3 months for her to come around and regain normal functions 
around energy. She is always tired and she hasn’t been to a gynecologist for 2-3
years, she hasn’t had her hormones tested and she just scheduled 2 appointments 
with the doctor.

Anyways - I want to take steps toward me not hanging on this issue because I feel
if I think about me having sex 1 time in 8 months or these issues the energy will 
attract more of the same issues - no sex… I want to fix this badly …

It seems that the business we have gets in the way of us actually having any 
personal life outside of work hours with either tv to watch or work to be done 
until 10 pm it seems as though there is all time for work and no time for play.

Anyways - I just don’t know what to do at this point because the fact that my 
wife has no interest in sex this has impacted our communication. She likes to 
complain and say stuff that i should be doing.. I feel that doing stuff for her
has not helped in the past, she doesn’t really appreciate it ..even though 
i Thought it would give her space and make her feel better..

What do I do ? How do I focus on being positive and is there a way I can attract 
sex to me by being a certain way ? I have tried to draw the line several times 
and suggest doctor and counseling and her response is she feels stressed out or 
I am stressing her out …

What do I do ? Is there a way to get her to change or want to work on improving 
with out being an ass and laying down an ultimatum ? 

It kind of downing me out .. I feel great about how I look and my improvement yet 
my wife sleeps on her side of the bed, and she seems to be dead to the world in bed.
I tried kissing my wife and telling her skin is so smooth and soft and she said is 
that one of only 2 lines you know. I went to kiss her she turned over with her back 
to me and shut out the light … in addition I have stopped trying to be affectionate 
with her as well because she is always complaining about how I kiss, or something.

Its got me a bit sad..trying to stay positive . What the hell do I do ?
What can I do besides an ultimatum of counselor or go our own separate ways ?
I am now going to see what happens at Doctors next few weeks. Perhaps I can 
say something in a way to make her think without getting into some ultimate 
showdown with her …

I now this is all about communication yet what do you do if your wife ignores 
what your communicating and every time you bring something up she complains that 
your complaining and that shouldn’t worry so much about what you don’t have …

Its driving me insane and this has been gone on a while. Hey I want to feel 
wanted and have her listen and work towards something improving together. Before
we started this business i reminded her we can’t lose our relationship to work 
and a business being the priority … 

Any ideas ?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wife is heading into menopause territory which often does damage libido. Forget about the business for a bit, romance your wife, take her away for a weekend to a lovely spa or hotel on the beach. Surprise her with a love letter, a little gift, forget the practicalities of life for a day or two. Alleviate the load, take some of the things of her hands, woman often juggle much more than men and just make it through the day.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I can tell by your post that you do a lot of talking to yourself. Just in the way you laid this out, your context screams, "I'm alone!"

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this, I really wish I had an answer for you, but I don't know anything about a 47yr old woman's hormones deficiency.

I just want you to know I have read your post in its entirety, I have read many others here who have dealt with the same, so you are not alone.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> What do you do if your wife* avoids talking about an issue, avoids answering you* and even when you share the importance of all of this.
> 
> ....
> 
> Any ideas ?



In my house, this usually means that I royally fu¢ked something up and she is waiting for me to acknowledge what I did and apologize. 

An example for me was I was weedeating in the yard and was covered in dirt and grass when she asked me to come help her move a box. I felt I was too dirty to help work inside, so I yelled for one of the kids to go help her and they ignored her. Long story short, my wife was upset at how I did not help her when she asked. Took me two weeks of persistent badgering her to find out why she was so upset with me and giving me the cold shoulder. 

Odds are you have done something similar. It was a very random incident to you, but meant the world to her. Now you have to find out what it was! Perhaps you forgot to get something important at the grocery store, or you tracked mud in the house. Who knows, but you better get to the bottom of this and find out soon. Eventually she will forget what it was, and at that point your fu$cked because not even she can tell you what you did, but she will still give you the cold shoulder.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> .....I have been told by many friends, coaches and counselors that I am a great communicator. Yet with my wife my communication does
> not seem to work....
> 
> ...What do you do if your wife avoids talking about an issue, avoids answering you and even when you share the importance of all of this....
> ...


A few. You are doing many things right. You are also being a role model for your wife showing her that change is possible. Change takes time and you are several months ahead of your wife and need to wait for her to catch up. She can do what took you months to do in a day. 

She has heard you, even if you don't want to believe it. She is seeing doctors to figure things out. That is huge! She is working to see about getting her energy back. She is going to get her hormones tested. It sounds like she was afraid to go to doctors for some reason. Have you sat down with her and discussed her fears? Is she afraid of growing old? Is she afraid of menopause? Find out her fears and help her address them.

Be really supportive of her going to the doctors. 

She probably feels she is making huge changes as quickly as she can. Trust me, she understands you are upset about the lack of sex. 

Have you ever looked her in the eyes and said "I am sorry for all the things I have done over the years that have hurt you?" And then tell her some of the things you did that you won't do again. Have you asked her if there are other things you did that have hurt her that you can work on changing about yourself, while she is working on improving herself?

One of the interesting things that my wife and I are dancing around is the whole retirement question. We have worked with a number of financial planners and have a secure financial future. However, I have started to talk to my wife about what will we do with our time, when we both don't have jobs to go to. Will I driver her nuts around the house. Does she expect me to rebuild the house with my free time, when I have plans to go out and do sporting things like hiking, climbing, running, biking. 

At 47 your wife could be ready for a mid-life crisis and have fears about growing old. Have you talked to her about retirement? In marriage counseling our Sex Therapist had us visualize what our marriage would be like in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. Would we be traveling a lot, would we be having sex regularly, would we be taking walks together or exercising together most days.

Part of the goal was to think about the future and visualizing the next stages of our life so we can prepare for them. Have you and your wife discussed why you are working so hard and what you expect that hard world to allow the two of you to do? Visualization of the future can be a very positive change agent.

I wish you and your wife lots of good luck. She is changing, just not as fast as you would like. It took time for things to get bad, now give it some time for things to get better.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The thing is there's nothing you can do when she wants out. She has nothing to lose and only to gain if she makes you miserable enough to leave. I think you're wasting your time trying to make things work, they won't because she doesn't want to. She got what she wanted and now it's time to cash in.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

What can I do in the meantime. I actually feel kind of stir crazy.. I also feel stuck since my wife seems 
kind of borderline down around sex, she is avoiding coming into the bedroom she veers to watching tv 
and going to sleep. We cant continue like this forever ... She used to even give me sensual massages 
and now even that has stopped all together...

I get anxious and for someone reason I now get down - because I am jealous of the fun and intimacy 
we dont have any more .

Any suggestions ? Should I just go see a counselor on my own ? even if she doesnt want to go ?
I do feel kind of alone and almost at this point im feeling a bit of shame that I even have to ask to 
discuss this over and over ...

Inside there are times she asks me to do things to help her and even though its out of line 
I almost feel like saying ok as long as you do something for me ..LOL...

Honestly I dont want to beg someone to have sex with me, if she doesnt want to then why 
should I force the issue however what do I do when I want to have sex ??


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> *What can I do in the meantime*. I actually feel kind of stir crazy.. I also feel stuck since my wife seems kind of borderline down around sex, she is avoiding coming into the bedroom she veers to watching tv
> and going to sleep. We cant continue like this forever ... She used to even give me sensual massages and now even that has stopped all together...
> 
> I get anxious and for someone reason I now get down - because I am jealous of the fun and intimacy we dont have any more .
> ...


What to do? Yes go to counseling alone if she won't go. But also listen to advice provided by others.



Young at Heart said:


> ...Be really supportive of her going to the doctors.
> 
> ...Have you ever looked her in the eyes and said "I am sorry for all the things I have done over the years that have hurt you?" And then tell her some of the things you did that you won't do again. Have you asked her if there are other things you did that have hurt her that you can work on changing about yourself, while she is working on improving herself?
> 
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rinse. Repeat. Expect different result.


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