# My Marriage is at bottom/over - how do we rebuild trust?



## sitka (Dec 28, 2011)

My Marriage is at bottom/over - how do we rebuild trust?
We have been at odds for a few years now, and for numerous reasons. There has been NO infidelity but tons of broken hearts anyways. We have said things to one another that hurt the other to the barest bone and now we can’t stand each other at times. We are still trying to make it work. We have four young children and do not want to give up yet.

So my question is… How do you develop a relationship with someone you ABSOLUTLY distrust your emotions with?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

By baring your soul and how you really feel to them. 

Be honest. Get into marriage counselling.


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## sitka (Dec 28, 2011)

Thank you for what you have said. We have done therapy and are going restart again. 

But I am looking for other advice or/and ideas. Have other couples had to re-learn intimacy/trust (not physical intimacy - emotional)? How did you start? We have tried in the past and it always seems to backfire. One of us tries harder than the other and feels like their not appreciated. One doesn't feel ready to be that exposed and feels pushed. etc. Are there exercises? a book? Classes? Retreats? 

Our most harmful thing is the way we both have perceived we speak to each other. Each of us has said that we are being derogatory to the other, while the other doesn't see it. So we are over careful, sometimes to the point of defensive about how and what we say to each other.

Right now I would just love to hear from some one who might be able to give ideas on how to slowly and safely build our relationship back up......


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

You need to read the book 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing' by Beverly Engel. I think it will give you great insite to why you are emotionally abusing each other. The first step is to admit that you are both abusing each other.

Marriage counselling is a must to save your relationship, make sure to get a counsellor that is familiar working with individuals who emotionally abuse.

I have been emotionally abusing (unintended) my wife for years, and she has now left me. We have been seperated for a month now, I am hoping she will be able to find it in her heart to give us another chance. We were soulmates, and I am still deeply in love with her, and she knows none of what I did was intentional and she is aware that there have been more good times than there has been bad, so I'm hoping we've got a chance. She has not closed the door on us, and we are currently in both individual and marriage counselling.


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## sitka (Dec 28, 2011)

Thank you SOOOO much testing, that recommendation is very valuable to me. There are too many books out there about any one specific topic and I don't know which ones are good. This is great to have an actual first person recommendation.

How did you come to realize/accept/comprehend that you were an abuser? If you don't mind my asking or your sharing, I would very much appreciate it. I came to the realization early last year (Feb/Mar 2011) and it really was an epiphany like situation. The light bulb lit! But it was very hard also as my husband did not come to the same conclusion, and still has not. He does not believe there is anything wrong in being demeaning, belittling, condescending, to me if I make him mad. To him, if I disagree with him that is grounds for rage and to treat me accordingly. I don’t know if things will work out between us if he can‘t become aware.


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

Sitka - I'm glad I can help. This book has been awesome for me, and my wife is ordering it for her Kindle and I think it will greatly help her in her healing.

I came to realize it very soon after my wife left to have some time to herself. Through IC and MC it was like you said, a big light bulb went off in my head and discovered that my abusive behaviour had ruined our marriage, and has deeply emotionally hurt my wife. Someone who I love to no end, the person I married, and promised to love forever. She trusted me with her heart, and I have broken that trust. I cannot believe that my anger (out of anger comes controlling attitude, dismissing her opinions, making her feel very little, etc.) has caused me to lose the person that I care for most in this world (outside of our two beautiful daughters!). Don't get me wrong, there were more good times than there were bad, (those are my wife's words from our last counselling session) but the bad times were pretty bad. I never called her names, or scream right in her face, or call her stupid or something like that, but I would get extremely angry and 'snap'. Twice I have put my fist through a wall. I have never hurt her physically, never laid a hand on her. But, I have still hurt her just as much inside.

If your husband truly loves you he needs to go to counselling, and he needs to read this book, and he needs to admit that he is emotionally abusing you. If it doesn't happen soon, as much as it has crushed me in my situation, you need to leave. It is a 'trial seperation', and hopefully he will wake up!! 

I am now 150% committed to making myself a better person, and stopping my pattern of emotional abuse. Whatever it takes, I am going to fix this. That was the old testing, the new testing refuses to hurt someone like I have hurt my wife. I am not a malicious person, I do not want to 'hurt' people. I would never get angry with anyone else other than my wife, why would I do that to the person I loved so much? It has been very hard for me to come to the conclusion that I'm an abuser, and it has been very hard to admit. I just hope it's not too late.

And if it is too late, at the very least I will be a much better person for my next partner down the road. I am generally a very caring and good person, a very strong family man who likes to take care of his family. I just have an anger issue that I need to get sorted out, one that I KNOW I can sort out.


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