# One month into separation and getting worse.. Advice



## unwritten (Jun 17, 2015)

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm not really sure where to start. My fiance and I have been together 4 years. We have children. I won't lie, it's been a rocky relationship. Issues on both our parts. This year though it has been great. Few if any issues, things were really looking up for us and our family. We got engaged and things went south. Not south to the point where I think separation was necessary, but south to the point of we definitely needed to communicate our issues.

That's our problem. We both get defensive and point fingers, rarely accepting responsibility for what we do. That's if we actually communicate our problems at all. and when we do it's just a huge argument. He is very controlling, yet doesn't follow his own rules.

Anyways, he up and moved out on the kids and I. Said we were still together but post pone any wedding planning. I was distraught at first, but I came to terms. I thought maybe this will be good for us. We decided to go to counseling. I actually became optimistic. He said he thought what we were doing was great and that it would make us better as individuals and in return in our relationship. I agreed.

Then it got even worse. He would tell me he didnt have the gas to come visit me now and had to conserve money. Then he would go out to the bars and put it on his credit card. I have to pay for counseling because he "can't afford it". THe only time I would see him was in passing when he would get the kids. He would apologize for not having time to spend with me but say he had to do things for the house or work in the morning, then go hang out with someone else. All the while he has been telling me "I love you" when we get on/off phone. Then all of a sudden I told him what he was doing wasnt fair to me and he said "because I want a little bit of distance!" and hasn't talked to me since (3 days). I started a new job Monday, and he didnt even text me to say good luck ro ask how it went. He keeps the kids every Tuesday night and wednesday day, but this week he didn't call or message me to say he wasn't getting them so I had to find a babysitter last minute to find them. 

Essentially, none of this sounds like how he said this would be. Today, when I told him I needed him to sign documents for me, he finally responded and he told me counseling seems hopeless but that he would go. Nothing since that message.

I don't know what to do. How to respond. To call/not to call. Get mad about not getting the kids etc. I just don't know. 

Any and all advice is appreciated. I can't reach out to family members or friends because our engagement was so recent I don't want to tell them there are issues already. It's just a sticky situation... and I'm stuck.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

I'm sorry your here. I'm pretty new as well but it sounds like you need to start to distance yourself from him. Stop calling/texting/emailing. It's not easy believe me but if he wants space then give it to him in full force and see what happens. Its not fair to you or your kids that he's doing this but you'd be wasting your time by begging and pleading with him to come home. Like I said I'm new here as well so I'm sure you'll get better advice but again I'm sorry your here. This is a great place for information, advice and even just to vent.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi unwritten. 

How many kids?

How old?


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## unwritten (Jun 17, 2015)

We have two kids.. 8 and 2. I'm 26 and he's 28

The 8 year old is my son I had when I was younger . After two months of dating my fiance wanted him to call him dad due to his own insecurities . My son does call him dad now and he is supposed to adopt him after we get married.

We just got in an argument though and he told me to cancel therapy which is his way of saying it's over .

I really don't know what to do now I'm so hurt


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## unwritten (Jun 17, 2015)

Any advice.. experience.. hope is appreciated. It's gotten such much worse. He now told me VIA text that's it's over for good. That he is never coming back. To stop wearing my ring. Calling me every name in the book etc. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be pathetic and cry and beg but I don't want to act like I don't give a **** by just ignoring him. I know him and that he wants a family more than anything so I don't know why he is doing this and just walking away from everything. What do I do at this point ? I think I'm still going to go to counseling and let him know he is still welcome to come and hope in time that he does.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You need to withdraw from him and continually work on you. Your goal is not to win him back, but work on you so you will find fulfillment eventually. Relationships will come and go, and eventually you will meet someone that you are highly compatible with.

Working on you will increase the quality in mate selection.
Plus chasing him will only make you look less attractive, and guilt him into anger. He does not want the pressure and you should try quitting him cold turkey.

Obviously your relationship has failed, you should own what you did that break down the relationship. Whatever his issues are, if he does not work on them, they will be issues in his next relationship.

As always, there might be another. Statistically, there is more than 50 percent that he is talking to another, has another in mind, or is in a relationship with another.

If not, then you have to move on because you cannot force someone to be in a relationship with you.

Your goal should be what you can do to find happiness with your life as it stands. You are single now, and that your mind needs to accept first and so is he. 

What you want and what he wants is different. He wants to sever the bond while you want the bond to remain. So, cut contact and work on healing. The more you contact him, the longer it takes to get over your love for him. Love is addictive, even when it causes suffering.


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## unwritten (Jun 17, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You need to withdraw from him and continually work on you. Your goal is not to win him back, but work on you so you will find fulfillment eventually. Relationships will come and go, and eventually you will meet someone that you are highly compatible with.
> 
> Working on you will increase the quality in mate selection.
> Plus chasing him will only make you look less attractive, and guilt him into anger. He does not want the pressure and you should try quitting him cold turkey.
> ...



I know I need to work on me. I have own issues that I need to work on, as did he, which is why we looked at living separately optimistically. A chance to grow ourselves while working on our relationship. We were both actually very excited about this approach and the future. It's like he snapped.

I know I contributed to it. I am the worst at communicating with him. I'm not always nice. I wish I could go back and redo it but I can't. However, it doesnt change his issues. He doesnt take blame for ANY issues... or he will say he does but it is reflected upon me.

I do want to find happiness within myself. I just got a huge job promotion and that is granting me a lot of success.. something I havent had as I always relied on him financially. I was a stay at home mom. I haven't even been in the work force a year and I am at a great position now. I think he was even shocked. He was so happy about it and how it would help our family so much then suddenly started saying I was going to leave him for a rich guy, etc (this was all before the separation even).

I know love it addictive. I know our relationship could be toxic. But when it finally got to a good place. We were thriving. I want to find my own happiness without him because it will be better for myself, and my kids... but I also in the end want our family to work. I am a family oriented person. I do no want my kids growing up in a broken home or being tossed back and forth... or having step parents. I just can't fathom. 

The most difficult part of all this distance is the kids. I want to cut him cold turkey for awhile... but I can't because the kids. I mean it's almost every other day we are trading off. Seeing him and having to communicate in that distinct way is almost more difficult.

Yet I sit here telling myself I want all this... and I get a text from him that simply says "eff off"..... and I'm back at what the hell happened in the last month? How did I get here? Who is this man and why do I so desperately want him? I know I don't want that or to be pathetic... so why do I still think I do?


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Unwritten. Sorry you're in a bad place and that it brings you here. 

This man is not ready for marriage. Apply the 180 to your life and move on to a brighter future. Get some IC for you to be an awesome partner for the next man.

` Passio


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People who want to end a relationship often use separation as the first step because they are too weak to just end it all at once. They slowly inch away while maintaining they really do want the relationship to work. But they really don't. 

Since you obviously can't control what he does, redirect your focus to you and not him. Become the person you want to be. IC can help.


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