# dating sites



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

why does a married man look on dating sites. does it mean he doesnt love his wife? does it mean that he is looking to cheat? or wants to get out of his marriage?

i have been married 12 years. and for the past month my husband has been looking at dating sites. i never said anything to him. but this saturday night, he actually started messaging women and created a fake email address so he could email some. asking if they could met and exchange phoen numbers.

i have a keylogger on my computer due to an out of control 15 year girl. she has since moved in with my sister for the last 3 months but it is not like i did not tell my husband that i was putting the keylogger on. either he forgot about it or he knows and wants me to see what he is doing.

on the confusing side, he is doing all sorts of stuff for me. being good. if you will. kisses me every morning before he goes to work. giving me money on fridays (just started last friday when i told him to since he wasnt keeping up with the elec, and gas payments, elec got turned off last month. and i dont know what he gets paid a week. keeps the money and what he spends it on a secret) so i was surprised that he agreed to give me 250 a pay check. he used to tell me he only got 200

he has been doing dishes and yard work. he wasnt doing that last month. 

so i am very confused as to why he is doing all this stuff but then last night stayed up ALL night on dating sites and created the fake email.

any suggestions? advice?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is cheating or wants to cheat.

He's being extra nice so you don't smell his shadiness and to relieve some guilt.

Sucks.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

that is what i am thinking too. if he hasnt physically cheated on me yet it is only because the opportunity hasnt came around. 

i guess i knew i just wanted a second opinion to make sure i wasnt making sh*t up

thank you. any suggestions on what i should do? how do i tell him?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Looking at a dating site could be just out of curiosity , but its still a sign.
Signing up under a fake name using a computer he knows has a key logger seems stupid to me, but definitely points in a cheating direction.
Acting super nice with you means he's trying to blindside you. It's a type of " compensatory drive."
My suggestion is that you should not confront just yet.
Allow a little more time till he starts chatting with these women on the dating sites.
Print out the evidence , and then confront.

Also if the computer has a key logger , does it mean that he might also have access to your posts here on TAM?


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i thought it was curiosity the whole last month, which is why i wasnt worked up about it.
thank you for explaining the super nice thing to me. i really was stupid and confused. guess i was just hopeful but in a way i guess i knew already and over thinking it, wishing it was more but got confused because my heart was telling me the same thing -- he is playing me but my head was trying to tell me -- he is trying to make this work. pst
i am currently allowing more time but he actually has tried to contact some and chat already via his new email. he cant really chat with the girls on the dating sites because he has to pay. believe me he has tried and even tried paying but his card was rejected (its more of a cash card then a credit card) which is why i posted this.

and for your last question, yes.. he could have access to all my computer doings. but the keylogger shows that he hasnt looked at it. it is kinda buried in the program files. i have 2 separate free one actually. one shows up by the time but he has never clicked on it.

i am leaning to more that he forgot it is on here or thinks i took it off. he did find some screenshots i had taken of the dating sites sometime during the last month and delete them, which is why i suspect he created the new email and the new profile on the dating site. he knows i have the password to his old email address. which is actually the same password for his new email address just a hotmail instead of yahoo. 

i was hoping for more men to give advice and tell me what they think but i am grateful for the ones that have replied.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MrsVain said:


> i thought it was curiosity the whole last month, which is why i wasnt worked up about it.
> thank you for explaining the super nice thing to me. i really was stupid and confused. guess i was just hopeful but in a way i guess i knew already and over thinking it, wishing it was more but got confused because my heart was telling me the same thing -- he is playing me but my head was trying to tell me -- he is trying to make this work. pst
> *i am currently allowing more time but he actually has tried to contact some and chat already via his new email. he cant really chat with the girls on the dating sites because he has to pay. believe me he has tried and even tried paying but his card was rejected (its more of a cash card then a credit card) which is why i posted this.
> *
> ...


Based on the chronological order of these events you have listed, I think your marriage may be in trouble. He is definitely, covertly seeking sexual encounters with these strange women.

Worse yet ,sometimes some of these women on those sites are sometimes known to fleece married men of their money.
So you see where this is heading.

May I suggest that you PM one of the moderators and ask them to move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity section of TAM. 
There you will get more people who have been through similar situations in their marriage, and they would be more than willing to help you much better.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

yes, my marriage is in trouble. has been for a long time. i have just been naive and stupidly hopeful. 

i wanted this on the mens site so that a man would tell me exactly what you did. that i am NOT making this up and he REALLY IS cheatin on me. that it is nothing more or less then that.

i have other posts in other places here. but it seems to be common opinion that my marriage is over and i need to get a divorce.

thank you again for your reply and your time.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you have not read this, this is a great starting place;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why does someone use a dating site? Because they are looking to date or cheat (if married).

Print it out and show it to him.

Rest assured he will tell you he never met anyone off the site and nothing has happened. They all say that. (All married peeps who use dating sites).

People don't go on "dating" sites to find friends. Or volunteers for the Red Cross. Or to find new recipes.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Exuses he will try:
He will say he was curious to see what it's about, or his friend opened it up because his wife might see it, he heard so and so was in the site and had to see it. Maybe it was you who opened it to blame him, he thought you had an account there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

MrsVain said:


> why does a married man look on dating sites. does it mean he doesnt love his wife? does it mean that he is looking to cheat? or wants to get out of his marriage?
> 
> i have been married 12 years. and for the past month my husband has been looking at dating sites. i never said anything to him. but this saturday night, he actually started messaging women and created a fake email address so he could email some. asking if they could met and exchange phoen numbers.
> 
> ...


He's doing his "homework" so he doesn't feel guilty about going out to play...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

MrsVain said:


> yes, my marriage is in trouble. has been for a long time. i have just been naive and stupidly hopeful.
> 
> i wanted this on the mens site so that a man would tell me exactly what you did. that i am NOT making this up and he REALLY IS cheatin on me. that it is nothing more or less then that.
> 
> ...


You will get unfiltered advice from a lot of folks. It doesn't mean we're right. But you can get a sense of what people have seen before and what the likely things are to look for. 

That said, and I'm no more qualified than the next person, anyone who's posting and emailing on dating sites is looking to hook up, or at least chat it up with someone. That, in many peoples' opinions (including mine), is cheating. It's at least an emotional affair, and it's not like porn. These are (supposedly) real people who really do want to meet up for dates, etc. 

I'm sorry you are here. But even with my initial caveat above, this is a good place to come with lots of good people with sad experiences.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

He's trying actively to hook up with other women. Maybe he thinks he can get away with it. It's your job to protect yourself and not let that happen.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

oh thank you. i appreciate your replies. like i said before i guess my heart knew the answer but my head wasnt wanting to hear it. there is no fix this time. now my heart is hurting so bad and my head just wants it to stop. 

if only he put as much effort into our relationship as he has trying to get a hookup.

i am very very very sad and very scared about the future. but i think i knew he was cheating again


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MrsVain said:


> oh thank you. i appreciate your replies. like i said before i guess my heart knew the answer but my head wasnt wanting to hear it. there is no fix this time. now my heart is hurting so bad and my head just wants it to stop.
> 
> if only he put as much effort into our relationship as he has trying to get a hookup.
> 
> i am very very very sad and very scared about the future. but i think i knew he was cheating again


Well all you know for sure is that he's looking and attempting (yea that's bad enough). It's extremly hard to get the confidence you need to handle something like this when your self esteem is taking the hit it is right now. I think you should get a marriage counselor just for you asap. This could be stopped in it's tracks but you need emotional support to be strong. Good luck.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

well i went to the lawyer. 3400 to file. i will get 750 per month child support 250 spousal support.

i am waiting for him come home to kick him out of the house. to confront him on his dating sites and his emailling women asking to hook up.

this morning we had sex. i went into kitchen where he was in a wife beater and no underwear. he didnt even look at me until i talked to him. and then when he finally did i walked away and turned back to see if he was looking. he wasnt. he might have looked all of 2 sec at my sexy ass.

20 minutes later he was online checking his new email for any responsed and looking at naked pictures of the women on the dating site

that it is.... i am done

scared as h*ll, nervous as f*ck, he is late coming home. every time i hear a truck like his my heart is pounding. i will lose my house, but i will have my kids. this is not what i wanted but he has left me zero options. plus i am sure he will find a way to twist it to be my fault somehow.

wish me luck.....


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

So his excuse was. he knew i had the keylogger and that he knew i was seeing it and he did it so that "i would snap" of course he did not have anything to say when i confronted with the new email and that he had actually sent emails to these women. asking to met with him and exchange phone numbers. 

he also had nothing to say when i confronted him about not looking at me this morning and 20 minutes later after having sex with me he was looking at naked women on those sites.

he took some clothes and left. now i feel empty, lost and so many good memories are rolling around in my head.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

MrsVain said:


> So his excuse was. he knew i had the keylogger and that he knew i was seeing it and he did it so that "i would snap" of course he did not have anything to say when i confronted with the new email and that he had actually sent emails to these women. asking to met with him and exchange phone numbers.


Sounds like he's been checked out of the marriage for some time, but didn't have the ballz to start the D process. It's going to suck for you for some period of time, but nuking this marriage now is probably best for you in the long run. Sorry.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is not good. He is looking to hookup with someone.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MrsVain said:


> So his excuse was. he knew i had the keylogger and that he knew i was seeing it and he did it so that "i would snap"


Well that would need to be explained logically. He could just as well punch you in the face or burn all of your clothes. So what point is there to making you snap?



> of course he did not have anything to say when i confronted with the new email and that he had actually sent emails to these women. asking to met with him and exchange phone numbers.
> 
> he also had nothing to say when i confronted him about not looking at me this morning and 20 minutes later after having sex with me he was looking at naked women on those sites.


Exactly.



> he took some clothes and left. now i feel empty, lost and so many good memories are rolling around in my head.


So sorry for your troubles. Of course, the memories are of a different person than he is now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> That said, and I'm no more qualified than the next person, anyone who's posting and emailing on dating sites is looking to hook up, or at least chat it up with someone.


Yes. 1000%.

Sorry to hear he left but honestly, it doesn't seem like you are realy losing anything here. He is acting like a jerk. If he had any sense of your pain he'd at least stay and try to make it out to you. Not this guy. He just packed up his shet and left. WTF.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't think she has been back since she said she wanted to call him an appogize to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

well i am back. and still having the same issues. now he just drinks and stays out all night. i cant pay all the bills by myself but he sometimes gives me money and sometimes dont. i still dont believe in divore and 
in a way i still love the man i married. i just cant live like this anymore. i dont know what to do. 

looking back at my posts, i have been doing this for years. i have been through just about everything bad thing that can happen in a marriage. and then some because i havent posted everything and i feel like a fool for having believed there was some kind of hope and our marriage could be saved if i "tried" hard enough. 

i am very sad, and feel like i am in mourning. it hurts and my heart is breaking. but i cant do anything to fix it. 

no i am just wondering how long do i hold on until i get divorced, do i just kick him out this time. what to do and how to do it.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

This is coming from someone who puts his wife on a pedestal. Your husband has no respect for you, takes you for granted and most of all, is not in love with you. I feel horrible for you and your situation. You must find a way to separate yourself from this. You are putting yourself and your children at risk. You have no idea what kind of situations (or diseases) that your husband is exposing you to. And you love him because... why? You need to take action.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

thank you. i know. it is hard for me to let go. it is hard for me to stop loving him. i am not a quitter. i do not give up and i have issues with letting go.i work hard for everything i have, even my marriage. i realize that i can not fix him and just recently that i am not to blame. (he is pa and can manipulate the h*ll out of me) it is hard to come to terms with realizing you are going to lose everything just because of someone who swore to love, honor and be faithful is not. i am trying hard to figure it out. 

thank you


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

I am stuck too - really I am thinking the thoughts of me being strong,not a quitter, forgiving being áble to withstand my husbands behaviour, because he loves me..is hogwash . I am trying to escape that circle of denial and it is dawning on me that actually he doesn't love me, how could he with his actions, I think they get found out, play the good guy until you seem over it and things go quiet, your guard is down and they have another go.
My husband had excuses of yup, he knew it was me using fake profiles on dating sites, knew I was looking at his emails..blah blah..
I actually believe it is an overriding fear of being alone, losing financial security, the house and not knowing how to survive that keeps me from ending things more than a deep love of my husband - I know when I do feel love it seems to revolve around the person I thought I knew, someone who never existed in reality.


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