# Husband moved back in last week, but I'm still unsure



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband quickly moved back in after I spend the whole xmas weekend with him. He said through text only 2 hrs after I left that he already missed me so much.

Now he has been back at home since 12/30. He has recently gone back to work after the long holidays. It is the 3rd day he is back to work, so I'm trying to get back in the grind of making dinners nad assuming the wife role. Our kids are not used to him being home yet. They assume he is at "his" house when hes working. HIs first day back to work(tuesday) I unpacked all his stuff and had a happy day. He was very happy when he got home and gave me a honey I'm home kiss. 

He has said he is calling off the divorce, but I have gotten no word on that. NO proof from the courts, just proof that he has not done it yet. I have many mnay doubts about his intentions. I told him the sooner he tells his atty to stop divorce the more $$ from the retainer he can get back. He borrowed the retainer $$ from his mom and will be paying it back with a retention check he is cashing today. I told him that less $$ would be coming out of his retention check if he stopped the divorce ASAP. 

Yesterday I got an email from his atty, which proves he has not called his atty yet. Final orders has been set and pretrial is in a month. He said he would call his Atty on the way to dinner last night. We were meeting at a place with 5cent deals on hamburgers on Wednesdays. (he wants to get back into our routines) At dinner I asked "what did your atty have to say?" He said he left a message since his atty leaves at 4:30. I have no way of knowing if he really called or not.

Later in the night I did let him know when pretrial is(I was not sure if he read his email, I know he gets the same notices as me, at least I think) and that mediation was to be scheduled soon. 

I'm having a hard time trusting him with this divorce still in the picture. I made a marriage counseling appt for Friday the 13th(of all days). My Husband does not know its so soon, but with this divorce thing still here I'm afraid my fears are going to push him aways nad we will start fighting and being unhappy again. I asked last night if he still wanted to go to marriage counseling(he has only 12 weeks left of work before he is laid off) He said he did, but he did not want to miss too much work or he might not make it the full 12 weeks and that he wants to stash as much $$ as he can before our cruise. We are planning a cruise for March 25th, possibly booking it tonight since he is cashing his retention check tonight. 

In all fairness my Husband could be telling me the truth that he has not had a chance to call his atty yet. My husband works long hours on a government very high security job. 

I'm just finding it very very hard to get going on my wifely things while he is at work. I'm supposed to be taking the xmas stuff down and storing it again. I'm sure it will not be a big deal if its not done when I told him that was my plans after the kids went to school. They just went back today.

I know he wonders what I'm doing all the time. I get constant texts from him "what r u doing" When hes home he does not like me on FB or texting a lot. I understand that he wants me to give him more of my attention. I was not giving him my attention before because I felt the need to get everything done all the time and could not sit still unless it was FB or texting, plus he was always playing his video games for sometimes up to 12 hrs at a time. 

We have both vowed to change. He has not even hooked up his game system yet, but he does play games on his Iphone, but usually he will engage me with his game of Jeopardy or something like that. He is much much more helpful and involoved with our children. We do family things now as well as couple time together wihtout our kids.

I have vowed to change things too. To change it back to the way things used to be before we started falling apart which was about 6 years ago. There was no FB or texting back then, I had no home businesses keeping me busy, I spend lots of time with him, I cooked and baked. I am still on FB he has not said he wanted me to delete my acct. I'm mostly on FB for my Autism support group(our kids have autism). I'm not on FB very much when hes home, but do check in. I have 1 girl friend that does text me a lot, but so far not enough to upset him. He actually posed as me texting her on xmas eve before moving back in.

I had told my husband that I would start baking again is he would in return make love often. I have not started baking yet, but our love life has started and he inititated. I told him I would start baking after things settled down with him back home. Now that I know divorce has not been stopped I will tell him I just don't feel comfortable enough to bake until I get a letter from teh court that divorce has stopped. He also mentioned that I close my personal checking account since I won't be using it. If its mentioned again I'll tell him I will close it when I know divorce has for sure stopped, so that I know I won't have to reopne one. 

My husband is a huge procrastinater and its sometimes hard for me to know when he is procrastinating or when he is making excuses because he is unsure whether he needs the divorce or not. I know he is deeply afraid that we will fall into our old paterns again and then he will need to spend $$ on divorce again.

He said this weekend that he is suprised we are back together after everything that has gone on. I'm really suprised too. I know we still have alot of work to do and some of the healing and full trust can not start to build for me until his atty is not a factor any more


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Explain to him that as much as you want to work at improving your marriage - giving it your whole heart and soul, that you feel the impending Divorce is blocking it. It may be that he has fears too and is unconsciously keeping the divorce on the table just in case it doesn't work out.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Mindful Coach said:


> Explain to him that as much as you want to work at improving your marriage - giving it your whole heart and soul, that you feel the impending Divorce is blocking it. It may be that he has fears too and is unconsciously keeping the divorce on the table just in case it doesn't work out.


I agree with you on that. I'm sure he is keeping the divorce on the table because he is afraid it won't work out, but I'm feeling time is running out. FEb 7th is pre trial where I am required to be there and he is not. Final orders is March 7th!!

I hope he agrees to go to the counseling session on Jan 13th that I just made yesterday. I have not told him its been made, but it is on the calendar. I would have liked to set the time of the appt later on that day, so he didn't have to lose so much work, but the latest it could be was 3:45. I'll have to tell him that in light of these new orders being scheduled and newly living together again...that we need to go to this appt.

I'm sure only at MC can I freely talk about how the divorce proceedings won't allow me to fully trust him and move on from the hurt and to our better future.

My husband text me while he was at lunch today that the school called him to let him know the kids all made it to school today. This is the first day back to school. The school has never done this before. So I find it really fishy. I'm thinking his lawyer had called the school and asked them to call the childrens father to tell him the kids all went to school alright. I didn't get a phone call from the school at all. My husnand said it was really weird. I asked him if he thought that maybe his lawyer could have asked them to do that cause they have never done that before. I didn't get an answer back from him. He was heading back to work from lunch when he had text about the school calling him.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Can you call his lawyer and let his lawyer confirm it with him?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> Can you call his lawyer and let his lawyer confirm it with him?


HIs lawyer is not required to tell me anything that is confidentual between him and his cleint, so I doubt that will be a route to go.

I've decided that I will let my husband know this weekend that we have a marriage counseling appt on friday the 13th. Even though last night he said he didn't want to take many days off of work because he fears gettign laid off sooner. He is required to work on Saturdays now and is taking this saturday off and a few days ago was talking about taking this friday off, but I advised him against it. So now its just his BS about not wanting to take days off. I think he can get off early on friday the 13th to attend marriage counseling.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

As far as the school calling my husband to let him know the kids made it to school ok....

I'm going to talk to the school tomorrow and find out if they received any orderws from teh court or my husbnad lawyer. 

I have not let the school know that the restraining order has been lifted. So if they know about it they have to have been told by my husbands lawyer or if they don't know then they kind of broke restraining order by giving my husband info about the kids. 

I'm feeling like I am being monitered now by his lawyer.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Also while putting away paperwork of my husbands on Tuesday I ran across his financial worksheet. There is lots wrong on it. My HUsband is claiming to be over $1,ooo in the whole every month, claiming to be paying house payment which he is not because we are giving our house up. Also that I made $22K in 2010 which is wrong wrong wrong. I know for a fact his lawyer does not have our tax return info because our bankrupcy lawyer has it. I also know I did not make 22K on a home business I had. At most I made 18K and then after tax deductions I made 2K. All this is to get me as little as possible for child support. 

When I first found all this info I was not going to let it bother me because if divorce was called off as my husband told me he was doing, it just would not be worth fighting over because of its non-issue. BUt now it is all a worry because HE HAS NOT FIRED HIS ATTY YET!!!

I had a lengthy conversation with his mom and she sees this my way. Where my FIL yesterday thought the lawyer was a great guy.

My MIL is for my Husband firing his ATTY. She knows the legal system too and I let her know that I told my husband that I needed to get in the mail a notice from teh court that divorce is off


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

i think you need to talk to him about stopping the divorce.. when your husband comes home both of your call the lawyer and leave a message stating that he wants to stop the process and please call him back to confirm his decision.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Hmmmmmmmm........ Maybe he moved back in because his lawyer told him to get back in the house....

You need to demand that you call the lawyer togather on speaker phone. Dont give him warning of this in advance, just do it. He could be pulling a fast one on you, but i am suspicious of eberything right now......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Twofaces said:


> Hmmmmmmmm........ Maybe he moved back in because his lawyer told him to get back in the house....
> 
> You need to demand that you call the lawyer togather on speaker phone. Dont give him warning of this in advance, just do it. He could be pulling a fast one on you, but i am suspicious of eberything right now......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm suspisiuos too. My husband claims he has already called the lawyer. He even told me that he will only get about $200 back from the retainer fee. Of course I'm still very unsure that he has called at all. He does not like it when I talk about anything about the divorce, sort of like I'm talking about bad debt. 

My husband is a very strange man and even his mom agrees. I am in constant contact with his mom and his dad. His mom is more supportive of my worries than his dad is. His mom does not tell my husband about anything we talk about, even though some of the things make her so angry!!

Right now if there is something I need my husband to know like paperwork of some kind, I will leave it out in plain view and so far that is working. So I checked the mail from yesterday and have an envelope addressed to me from his lawyer. I already know its about the email I got about final orders date and pretrial date. I have left the envelope in plain view so he is thinking about the divorce lawyer, but I'm not bringing it up. Anything that causes my husband stress he will procrastinate. 

I have made a Marriage counseling appt for us on Friday the 13 that I have not told my husband about yet. I will let him know this weekend. He is way more open to talk about issues that really make him feel nervous in wiht our counselor. He always feels better after our counseling


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is leading you by the nose , the divorce could have been stopped if he wanted to . In a months time what will you do then ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

What is in the envelope addressed to you from the lawyer? Did you read it? If not, do so immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

notice of contested final orders date set


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We will be going to our counselor on Jan 13th


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

the session is only an hour... you need to talk about it, you can't rely on the session to bring up touchy subjects with your husband. If your can talk about sex & everything should be up for discussion


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> the session is only an hour... you need to talk about it, you can't rely on the session to bring up touchy subjects with your husband. If your can talk about sex & everything should be up for discussion


The problem is that my husband can not talk about divorce at all!! Not without us having our counselor there, telling him that my feelings are correct. I can ask 1 question about divorce like for example " what did your atty have to say?" And he will say I need to lay off of the divorce talk.

Just because he has moved back in does not mean we just stop going to marriage counseling too, so we need to go anyway. 

I know it will not take long at all after he has made the call to his lawyer for me to get word about it from his lawyer. It only took 1 day for the letter from his lawyer to get here after I got the email about final orders


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Twofaces said:


> Hmmmmmmmm........ Maybe he moved back in because his lawyer told him to get back in the house....
> 
> You need to demand that you call the lawyer togather on speaker phone. Dont give him warning of this in advance, just do it. He could be pulling a fast one on you, but i am suspicious of eberything right now......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


exactly


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you move back in together when you can't even talk to each other? 

EDIT: And I'm not judging. Just wondering what was "fixed" or "solved" to make it seem that being split up wasn't necessary anymore.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> Why did you move back in together when you can't even talk to each other?
> 
> EDIT: And I'm not judging. Just wondering what was "fixed" or "solved" to make it seem that being split up wasn't necessary anymore.
> 
> ...


We seem to be able to talk about lots of stuff, but if anyhting bad is brought up like the divorce he can't talk about it. He does not like me to get upset at all. He wants to know he will be in amarriage with a woman who is not emotional.

He claims he called and left a message on wednesday with his atty telling him he wanted to stop the divorce. I don't know if its really true or not since I was not with him when he called


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> He does not like me to get upset at all. He wants to know he will be in amarriage with a woman who is not emotional.


O Sweetie... you seem upset about the situation so regardless it's happening. 

Fyi... all women are emotional that's make us Women. He wants a perfect wife (not you) and you want your husband back (at any cost). Not judging you because the love you have is powerful.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think unfortunately you let him move back in too soon.
you should have made him prove these things first.
you should have gotten the paper work canceling the divorce BEFORE you let him back in.
you can always tell him he needs to move back out until he can prove he did this
he should have been able to talk to you about anything before you let him move back in.
i think he might be setting you up for something.
just my opinion


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think unfortunately you let him move back in too soon.
> you should have made him prove these things first.
> you should have gotten the paper work canceling the divorce BEFORE you let him back in.
> you can always tell him he needs to move back out until he can prove he did this
> ...


Thats just what I'm afraid of that he is setting me up for something. My Father in law says why would he move back in if he wants a divorce? Of course his dad probably can not think the worst of his step son. My husband has been treating me like his wife for months now. We have been going together to every family function and every family birthday party.

I think he would have great shame on him from his family if they found out he was stringing me along all this time with the intent to divorce. 

Does it matter on the divorce papers when it says I'm the petitioner? Can he still cancel the divorce? I don't have a lawyer because mine was a free lawyer and they withdrew thier counsel


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm now wishing that I never had him served and that I continued to hide with the papers that were to be served on me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may want to talk to your lawyer, but maybe in your area, by him moving out, it may have left him open to "abandoning" you, which might have affected the distribution of your assets. And getting back into the house means that may not be an issue again.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Thats just what I'm afraid of that he is setting me up for something. My Father in law says why would he move back in if he wants a divorce? Of course his dad probably can not think the worst of his step son. My husband has been treating me like his wife for months now. We have been going together to every family function and every family birthday party.


IF he is planning something, going to the family functions wont matter.
he now looks like he is the good husband.
when it comes time, you dont know what he would tell them to not look like the bad guy. he can make up any story to them.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have no Idea, but I do know that he is very angry about me kicking him out of the house back in August. He has not said anything about his anger about that since he has moved back in. Hes just been claiming to stop the divorce and claiming we are going on a cruise to reconnect. He talks about the cruise every day. He planned to pay for the whole entire cruise when he got his retention check. Well he got it yesterday and cashed it. It was much less than what he had expected, but he still said he wanted to go when we planned on going. I fully expected him to deposit $$ into the account to pay for the cruise online, but he left all the $$ at home. He was supposed to work tomorrow(sat), but he took the day off..so he could be planning on depositing a certain amount it takes to pay for everything tomorrow morning. 

What is scary is that my Husband has 12 weeks left of work on the jon hes on. There is no more work after that in our state and he plans to go to AZ to work and transfer unions to AZ, so he won't just be travelor.

There really is not any assets we have except for our 3 children who are all special needs. We are in the process of bankrupcy and our house is in forclosure. 

I found a financial statement that his lawyer had drawn up that has mnay mnay lies. Basically my husband is claiming he is over $1K in the whole every month. Also that he is paying the house payment. It also said I made 22K in 2010. Thats so wrong before tax deductions I made maybe 18-19K, but after tax deductions I made 2K. His lawyer did not have access to our tax returns because the bankrupcy lawyer has them. I make nothing now because I had to give up the home business since it was sort of ilegal to do it where I am living. Also with 3 children with special needs thre is no way I can work outside the home and especially with no education and leaving my last job in 03 with a permanent injury.

We are in a common law marriage state so I'm also afraid he might think its no big deal and want to go back to how things were before we actually got married, but then the state he wants to move us to is not a common law marriage state.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> IF he is planning something, going to the family functions wont matter.
> he now looks like he is the good husband.
> when it comes time, you dont know what he would tell them to not look like the bad guy. he can make up any story to them.


He has total control of money. He is suposed to be paying the bills. You would think it would be easier since he is living here now. He has always given me $$ for every bill and I would pay it through bill pay. He knows our utility dead line is 1/10. I asked if he wanted me to pay it last Tuesday, but he snapped nad said can't it wait until I get paid. He got paid yesterday, but mentions nothing about paying our bills. So I guess I just stop reminding him and let the utilities get shut off and the cable be turned off. I added channnels to our cable just prior to him moving in at his request.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i believe it was your previous threads where you sounded so excited about your husband returning home so i hope for your sake i am wrong but this whole thing just sounds so fishy.
i would still tell him that unless he calls his attorney, with with you present and listening or you both go see him, he needs to go back to his parents immediately.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i believe it was your previous threads where you sounded so excited about your husband returning home so i hope for your sake i am wrong but this whole thing just sounds so fishy.
> i would still tell him that unless he calls his attorney, with with you present and listening or you both go see him, he needs to go back to his parents immediately.


It sounds fishy to me too and I hope I am wrong too. 

He has always been in his own fantasy like world before all this stuff happened too. I kind of am afraid that he is letting his atty run the show. That he is actually afraid to call and fire his atty. He does not like to disappoint anyone who is a control figure.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i would still tell him that unless he calls his attorney, with with you present and listening or you both go see him, he needs to go back to his parents immediately.


again, this and asap.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

justwhy said:


> O Sweetie... you seem upset about the situation so regardless it's happening.
> 
> Fyi... all women are emotional that's make us Women. He wants a perfect wife (not you) and you want your husband back (at any cost). Not judging you because the love you have is powerful.


Agree

Your desperate to want to believe him, your prepared to do anything for the fantasy of a marriage you dream about. Your husband is intentionally leading you on , he is going to fleece you and your allowing it to happen. Read your posts , your words tell you exactly what he is up to .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Agree
> 
> Your desperate to want to believe him, your prepared to do anything for the fantasy of a marriage you dream about. Your husband is intentionally leading you on , he is going to fleece you and your allowing it to happen. Read your posts , your words tell you exactly what he is up to .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband just booked our cruise and in front of me. He called it a reconsilation cruise. 
If he truly wanted a divorce why would he book a reconsilation cruise. He has told me just last night that he has called his lawyer twice and his lawyer has not called him back. 

His whole family knows we are back together. His parents have helped with the reconsilation. They have encouraged us to spend more time alone together prior to him moving back home. My Husbsnd would tell his dad his questions that he was too afraid to ask me. 

I'm thinking it's entirely possible his attorney is not happy about stopping the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> My husband just booked our cruise and in front of me. He called it a reconsilation cruise.
> If he truly wanted a divorce why would he book a reconsilation cruise. He has told me just last night that he has called his lawyer twice and his lawyer has not called him back.
> 
> His whole family knows we are back together. His parents have helped with the reconsilation. They have encouraged us to spend more time alone together prior to him moving back home. My Husbsnd would tell his dad his questions that he was too afraid to ask me.
> ...


you may be right and for you i hope so.

its not his attorneys place to decide what to do about reconciliation. if he HAS called him, he needs to get tough with him, maybe both of you pay the attorney a visit together.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Why not write in bullet form all the items that may be of concern to you . Sit with your husband and have him not only answer each item but have a plan with a date to close each one down. This should include his false representation of monies earned to his lawyer. You must clear the air , there should be no more lies or deceit .

I may sound harsh but your many posts don't give comfort . I would rather be wrong than see you hurt , just be cautious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Why not write in bullet form all the items that may be of concern to you . Sit with your husband and have him not only answer each item but have a plan with a date to close each one down. This should include his false representation of monies earned to his lawyer. You must clear the air , there should be no more lies or deceit .
> 
> I may sound harsh but your many posts don't give comfort . I would rather be wrong than see you hurt , just be cautious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks
The lawyer called my husband back today where I could hear and my husband said he wanted to withdraw the whole divorce. It sounded like the lawyer had first suggested to change the date of final orders or push the divorce out. I had heard my Husbsnd say no just cancel the whole divorce. 

So I guess I should be receiving papers of the cancelation soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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