# How many thought their WS would be the last person to cheat?



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

While there are many WS who clearly indulged in risky behaviors (i.e. close opposite sex friends, going out for drinks after work with coworkers, lunch dates with coworkers, regular BNOs/GNOs, etc), how many more thought that their WS would be the last person in the world to cheat?




***raises hand***


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Since Dig can't be here until next week, he raised his hand.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I don't think that anyone would have guessed that their spouse could cheat on them, one day.
I didn't, anyway.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Yup. Totally thought it would never be her.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I definitely didn't think my wife would cheat, but would I have put her as the LAST person to ever cheat? No. Not the last. But it still shocked me.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Yup....totally surprised








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I am sure that my husband didn't think that I would cheat. He trusted me blindly. The same could be said about his revenge EA. His father walked out on his mother to be with the OW. His father left the OW with three kids to be with another OW. So my husband didn't want to emulate his father.

It showed us that you can't trust someone blindly. Everyone has the ability to cheat. Some choose too; others, not.


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I never thought my husband would cheat. He seemed to be the perfect husband/family man....until now.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I never thought he would have cheated. Not in a million years. But here I am. I still cannot wrap my mind around it all.


----------



## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Definitely thought mine would be the last in the world to cheat. Brought up in a very strict religious family, never gave any hints of cheating, jealousy, unhappiness, etc. Always was disgusted by anyone that she found was cheating or misbehaving towards their spouse. Always told me that I was a great husband and father. And then the sh*t hit the fan. Suddenly she is only a shell of her old self, someone that I don't even recognize and blames the whole world for her problems.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Totally surprised.
I think this is one of the reason it took me sooook long to pull myself together and start the 'letting go' process.
I felt like I had been hit by a bus.
In 18 years I never saw my H look at another woman once. He didn't go out socialising alone, spent All his free time with me and the kids.
I was always told I was his world and he would never cheat!
This is why I maintain that cheating can happen in any marriage if we are not careful.
Did I become complacent and take him for granted? Maybe, but i thought my chances of winning the lottery jackpot was more likely than my H cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I never thought my husband would cheat. He seemed to be the perfect husband/family man....until now.


I totally agree....I trusted my H and never thought he was capable. Just goes to show you, you can't take anything for granted!


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Totally surprised.
> I think this is one of the reason it took me sooook long to pull myself together and start the 'letting go' process.
> I felt like I had been hit by a bus.
> In 18 years I never saw my H look at another woman once. He didn't go out socialising alone, spent All his free time with me and the kids.
> ...


You took the words right out of my mouth, and yes i agree with taking their love for granted, like your H mine never socialized, looked at other women, he had me on a pedestal, but it still happened when offered to him on a plate. But looking back, because he loved _me_ so much and I never thought it was a worry I'd have. Quite smug I was!


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I would never dreamed of my him cheating.

He'd always been a good "family man", was always a homebody, invested plenty of time in our son, reads the Bible every day, prays with our son at night etc.

He also was very possessive/jealous/suspicious of me for cheating (I never have). Although that's a sign of someone with a guilty conscience, I (stupidly) thought there could be no way that he'd cheat because he was so adamant against it ever happening to him.

When he was distant, he really did have legitimate reasons that could explain that distance. So any suspicions I had were easily laid to rest because at face value, his excuses were very, very convincing and verifiable. 

However, much of the cheating occurred in our own home with the click of a mouse. I don't have proof of a PA but I do have signs of one occurring and in hindsight, have been connecting the dots to things that didn't add up (coming home late unexpectedly, storming out of the house over a trivial disagreement etc. and leaving for hours). 

I think it's quite likely that I don't know everything there is to know and if we do reconcile, that plenty of TT could be in my future.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Completely caught me by surprise. He ALWAYS maintained the stance that "flirting equals cheating"... to see those texts between him and OW.... to say the least, I felt like I had been punched in the gut.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I cannot really say yes to this, but when it happened, I was still shocked.


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Never, ever, ever expected it and I DIDN'T take him for granted.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Absolutely......me. But then again, I never knew the real "her", did I?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> While there are many WS who clearly indulged in risky behaviors (i.e. close opposite sex friends, going out for drinks after work with coworkers, lunch dates with coworkers, regular BNOs/GNOs, etc), how many more thought that their WS would be the last person in the world to cheat?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Good question. 

My husband did go on Boy's nights out, mens, trips and lunch dates with important female clients, but there are many marriage experts who claim that giving such freedoms helps a marraige and refusing it smothers a marriage.

I stupidly fell for that Bulldokey. Must be a marriage expert that cheats. 

The friends in our circle who never allowed their husbands to go out or away alone, and even balked about lunches with female clients have faithful husbands. 

IMO, risky behaviors will lead to cheating no matter how honest a person seems. 

On top of that my STBEH always insisted he would never cheat on me. 

It always struck me as odd that he would say that because I never said it, I just knew I wouldn't do it. But, I silenced that little nagging voice that thought that statement was odd....another mistake. 

I did read in one book about infidelity that the man who was cheating, told the counselor that his wife made it too darn easy to cheat. 

A case of blaming the victim, but perhaps there is something to heed in that blame.


----------



## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Same answer as everyone above. 

Follow up question.  For those that are R, and those that have chosen to walk.... Will you ever blindly trust your partner ever again? Even those that have walked and moved on to someone else... Is complete trust and faith removed from your lives forever?


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i was totally shocked.My ex is a good man.I still say he's a good man.He made a stupid choice.I never saw it coming and being the damaged woman that I am, I was really looking for those signs before marrying him and I saw none.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Never in a million years but she did,she knew it was wrong and didnt have what it took to take it to the physical level but it still hurt like hell.
She has said that if she was capable of doing it then anyone is.
I really think just about the only people who would'nt so it is a BS who has experienced the pain and seen what an affair can do to a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Torrivien said:


> I don't think that anyone would have guessed that their spouse could cheat on them, one day.
> I didn't, anyway.


Tell you the truth while I could not have guessed it I knew (due to the MANY red flags before we got married) the chances were that she would cheat, after the many EA's and at least one PA that I knew of and probably more I finally let her go. At the end of the D i sat thinking of how blind i was to overlook major red flags, how bout the biggest one of them all, "she had been in several relationships but she was NEVER faithful in any one of them". Her words not mine! So yeah i guess you could say that I could have "guessed" that it was going to happen.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Same answer as everyone above.
> 
> Follow up question. For those that are R, and those that have chosen to walk.... Will you ever blindly trust your partner ever again? Even those that have walked and moved on to someone else... Is complete trust and faith removed from your lives forever?


I am no where near interested in dating, at this point.

However, if I do I will trust but verify. 

Also, no BNO's, no men's trips, no private lunches with female clients or coworkers. 

I never went out alone to lunch with a client or a coworker of the opposite sex, once married.


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

One of the many reasons I fell in love with my wife was her outward belief that cheating was wrong and that was a horrible thing to do, especially when kids were involved. I actually asked her what her opinions on the topic were on our very first date. May seem a bit forward on a first date but I had been hurt by Infidelity 2 times and I was only 22, and I was cautious. I struggled with the aftermath of my parents nasty divorce growing up as a kid as a result of infidelity(My father cheated on my mother when I was 8). Then the first love of my life cheated on me while I was deployed in the Persian Gulf. So when I met my wife, I was cautious but still allowed myself to be loved again. After dating for a while I became certian that she was not someone that would do such a thing. So I asked her to marry me, after 4 years. We talked about it once a year or so. We always assured each other it would never happen in our relationship. She would say that given my history, she could never be so cruel to me.

And yet here I sit. 84 days after DD. My wife had been having an affair for nearly 2 years with a cop until I got wise and confronted her. Unreal! So, now all I can do is hope that my 4 year old girl can grow up and be a better woman than her mother was. I am thankful that she is younger than I was. Infidelity is way tougher on kids than some know, or would like to believe. 

Sigh......Never thought she could do something so cruel.


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Same answer as everyone above.
> 
> Follow up question. For those that are R, and those that have chosen to walk.... Will you ever blindly trust your partner ever again? Even those that have walked and moved on to someone else... Is complete trust and faith removed from your lives forever?


I don't believe I could ever trust anyone 100% again, if my H could cheat, anyone can cheat! Because I would never have imagined he was capable of cheating in a million years.


----------



## ronin5573 (Jul 2, 2012)

I never thought so.


----------



## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

calvin said:


> I really think just about the only people who would'nt so it is a BS who has experienced the pain and seen what an affair can do to a family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't believe that one. My STBXW's AP was a BS in his previous marriage. Didn't seem to bother him much.


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I still can't believe it. It is so unreal that several times a day I find myself having blocked out that reality because it is so unreal. And then reality comes crashing back in and shatters my world of illusions all over again. Like another Dday. Several times a day. Oh, and the nausea. All over again.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Certainly thought that she would be smart enough to not fall for bs fishing attempts... the first time.


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Follow up question. For those that are R, and those that have chosen to walk.... Will you ever blindly trust your partner ever again? Even those that have walked and moved on to someone else... Is complete trust and faith removed from your lives forever?


I am only 84 days from DD, but we are trying to R. Honestly, I'd like to say that I would like to blindly trust my wife again. (It's important in a healthy relationship). But since we aren't in a healthy relationship anymore, I don't think I could ever "Blindly trust" her again. I just hope that I can trust her enough one day, to have a somewhat healthy marriage again. I have no intentions of being her warden. I have no desire(outside of protecting my heart, and my little girl) to watch her every move.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I trust her, to an extent. I will never blindly trust her again and I have lost much of my faith in her. Sad, but true.


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I still can't believe it. It is so unreal that several times a day I find myself having blocked out that reality because it is so unreal. And then reality comes crashing back in and shatters my world of illusions all over again. Like another Dday. Several times a day. Oh, and the nausea. All over again.



I'm right there with ya Banks. 1 word....SUCKS!


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

gemjo said:


> I don't believe I could ever trust anyone 100% again, if my H could cheat, anyone can cheat! Because I would never have imagined he was capable of cheating in a million years.


That's how it is for me


----------



## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

I never thought she would. She at one time even stopped listening to certain performers when it came out they left their husband/wife for another woman/man.

I don't think shocked is strong enough for what I was.

100% trust for me is probably never going to happen.


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

I never thought she would! 35 days after D-Day and I am still utterly in shock.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I was completely blindsided!

My STBXWW had such contempt for my EX wife because she cheated on me years before we met. She even said she hated her for what she did to me and the pain she put me through. She also used to spew complete disgust when she would hear about someone cheating...even celebrities. 

Now STBXWW say's she never thought she was capable of cheating...but shows no remorse. Actually, what she did was for worse then what my EX did...at least she only screwed her OM once and was remorseful afterward.

I could never trust her again...that's why she is a STBXWW.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Same answer as everyone above.
> 
> Follow up question. For those that are R, and those that have chosen to walk.... Will you ever blindly trust your partner ever again? Even those that have walked and moved on to someone else... Is complete trust and faith removed from your lives forever?


Yes.

This is sad but really important. You could move from relationship to relationship seeking blind trust and it gets you nowhere. Seeing this helped me to rebuild with wife post affair.


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Never thought he would...I will trust again for sure, but trust with my eyes open...


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lord Mayhem:

One common theme I see among all of the shocked Betrayed spouses is that their cheating spouse mentioned a number of times that they would not cheat. 

The hair on my neck used to stand up on my neck when my husband said that without me even asking, if he would, but I ignored that sixth sense. 

I read in one infidelity book. I think it was Shirley Glasses book, "Not Just Friends" that a cheater will warn you that he/she will cheat by saying that they won't. 

That's one of the red flags for a cheater according to the book. 

As the queen in Shakespeare's play Hamlet said, and her statement applies to both genders. 


*Queen:
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Hamlet Act 3, Scene 2*

As mentioned I never said I would never cheat, I just knew that I wouldn't. 

I think when a person out of the blue and for no reason at all starts exclaiming that they would never cheat to their spouse, IMO, that means it's on their mind.

I did let him know in many ways I disapproved of cheating by my attitude toward people we knew who did cheat. So, he knew I was opposed to it.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

My ex was a sociable person and loved to flirt. She didn't do it out of disrespect to me, it was just her nature I guess. In all honesty she had a Jekyll and Hyde persona. She was uber jealous and territorial at home but got off being a **** tease when we were out at parties. I think that's part of the reason why we got together in the first place. She felt somewhat offended that I wasn't slobbering all over her stilettos when we first met (one of those "I'm sexy and I know it"). That being said, I remember reading one of her emails essentially telling this guy to keep a distance because she was with me. From that day I felt "comfortable" knowing she at least had _some_ boundaries.

Our relationship deteriorated substantially toward the end. I grew more frustrated with her and she found someone more "compatible". Funny how compatibility means fleecing you out of a ton of money and giving you a black eye. Either way, I wasn't really shocked in the end, more so disappointed.


----------



## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I guess looking back there were signs that my husband would cheat, but I was clueless for 4 years. I'm sure he was cheating the entire time we were together. What I don't get is that we had 2 children together before we got married. Why marry me and have 2 more children if you knew you would not be faithful.

He knew my father cheated on my mother their whole married life and I always said I wouldn't stay if he cheated. Now life is a mess. I will never ever trust again even if I meet someone that was cheated on. I will probably be alone for the rest of my life because of that reason.


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Hand up!
Totally shocked, blindsided, couldn't believe it. NEVER thought she would do it. Even when I knew our marriage was in the tank and we were sleeping in separate rooms, I just didn't think she would do it.

I will trust again, I am already learning too. Now, will I blindly trust again? not sure, only time will tell. To me trust is critical and I can't see NOT having it eventually.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i never thought mine would, hell it took me forever to get her into bed,though i never caught her a in a actually sex act, i did catch her "kissing" another guy, and we all know where that leads.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I've always been a fan of magicians and their ability to entertain us with their carefully crafted illusions. Some of the great ones included Houdini, Blackstone, Henning, Copperfield, and Angel. You don't know her personally but you can include my ex in the pantheon of great illusionists.

She skillfully used sleight of hand and misdirections to make me believe things that weren't true. Things like we were going to raise our kids together and spend our golden years admiring the creases on each others faces. She even had me believing that she didn't like sex.

Alas, like all great feats of magic, once you learn the secret you can never be fooled by that same trick. I definitely won't be fooled again.


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

So there we were, my wife and I talking about the A between my wife's HS friend and her H... my famous last words "I couldn't have an affair, I can barely handle one woman in my life..." Gulp, then two years later, there I was tightly wrapped in an A... "what was that I said again? Sigh " Yea, as I have said before and will say repeatedly, left to our own devices (that is without accountability) we will often make bad choices.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My H and I both made an assumption about each other. I assumed he would never cheat. He assumed that I would never leave him. Bit us both in the arse.

Yes, we R'd, but I think when I found out (didn't have the best reaction to the news) and I threw him a suitcase and told him to go stay at her house ( I didn't know it had been over for a year and a half when I was finding out about it) and that she could HAVE him, he suddenly realized the damage that was done.

Made him come to the realization that I love and want him, but when it comes down to it, I will not fight or compete with another woman for him. If he thinks I should fight/compete with another woman for him, he isn't worth having in my opinion.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I absolutely thought my WS would not cheat. However our mariage was not good..he was not happy not just with lack of sex but with lack of affection, etc. from me and I knew that he was not unhappy with what was happening. I just did n't do anything to change the situation.

I guess in a way I thought he would never do anything about it.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I never would have expected it. He hid his secret shenanigans very well for a long time. This is why DDay screwed me up so bad; I didn't see it coming...and then a lot of things began to make sense.


----------



## Greg40 (Aug 11, 2012)

Raises hand.

It just never crossed my mind. As i relaxed into the marriage thinking all was good, she took it as id relaxed too far, detached and had an EA. Just didn't see it coming until she wasn't careful enough with how she was acting emotionally.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I've been tempted and at the time actually thought about it,not proud of that.This is after my wife's four month EA.
Just knowing the damage it causes slapped me back to reallity REAL quick.
I believe that a BS pretty much will not cheat,it affects too many others,causes pain thats damn near unbearable.
Would my wife do it again? Not on your life,she doesnt trust men anymore ( except me :-D )
She got burned by what she thought was a decent person,she found out the hard way and I think thats what it takes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

highwood said:


> I absolutely thought my WS would not cheat. However our mariage was not good..he was not happy not just with lack of sex but with lack of affection, etc. from me and I knew that he was not unhappy with what was happening. I just did n't do anything to change the situation.
> 
> I guess in a way I thought he would never do anything about it.


Wow. I could've written that myself.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

drerio said:


> So there we were, my wife and I talking about the A between my wife's HS friend and her H... my famous last words "I couldn't have an affair, I can barely handle one woman in my life..." Gulp, then two years later, there I was tightly wrapped in an A... "what was that I said again? Sigh " Yea, as I have said before and will say repeatedly, left to our own devices (that is without accountability) we will often make bad choices.


It makes me cringe when people here say: "I could never, ever cheat!"

I just think: "Hope you never fall off your high standards. Because it's such a jolt when you hit the ground."


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It makes me cringe when people here say: "I could never, ever cheat!"
> 
> I just think: "Hope you never fall off your high standards. Because it's such a jolt when you hit the ground."


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

So to the original Q... my wife would raise her hand high.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

drerio said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> So to the original Q... my wife would raise her hand high.


I was well brung up D) and knew right from wrong. But I still found myself 1n 1989 being the AP of the woman I would marry. We are still together, now.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Both Hands Raised High,

My wife, married 25 years at the time, loving mother of 2, Sunday School teacher, great parents married 50+ years, on and on. NO WAY she would cheat!

Wait a Sec... Vain, Selfish, Prettiest Girl in the Room, Only Child, Spoiled from early on, Always wanting to be the BEST. Men always hitting on her for decades. 

I was the fool... Long Term Serial Cheater... Hands slowly lowering.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It makes me cringe when people here say: "I could never, ever cheat!"
> 
> I just think: "Hope you never fall off your high standards. Because it's such a jolt when you hit the ground."



The idea that I could cheat one day is as scary as being cheated on again. Since I broadened my definition of cheating lately, I can't for sure say I never would, but I sure hope that I'll have enough courage to slit my throat afterwards.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RWB said:


> Both Hands Raised High,
> 
> My wife, married 25 years at the time, loving mother of 2, Sunday School teacher, great parents married 50+ years, on and on. NO WAY she would cheat!
> 
> ...


No, you were never the fool. You _were_ fooled. but you were _never_ the fool.


----------



## CBailey (Sep 4, 2012)

I use to say "really her husband cheated, she had to see it coming she just ignored it" or "she knew her marriage was on the rocks". Well my husband cheated on me via internet and met up with her. Guess what? I never saw it coming and our marriage was not on the rocks.....lesson learned the hard way.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> The idea that I could cheat one day is as scary as being cheated on again. Since I broadened my definition of cheating lately, I can't for sure say I never would, but I sure hope that I'll have enough courage to slit my throat afterwards.


Nope. Rather hope to have the courage to continue living so you can atone for what you did by living a better life.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I will never cheat.Ever.
Too many people have to pay for your fvck up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Even though he cheated on me when we first started dating, I still didn't believe in the "once a cheated, always a cheater" mentality. Heck, I still don't, it's a choice. That being said, I thought that I was safe from him ever cheating again since it was 15 years later till he did it again.....and stupidly I stayed and had him do it again, but worse 3 years later. Guess he showed me.


----------



## Mr. Self Destruct (Jul 13, 2012)

I never thought my wife would. Hit me so hard I wanted to die.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr. Self Destruct said:


> I never thought my wife would. Hit me so hard I wanted to die.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Felt that way, myself. Not pleasant. (And yes, that is a genuine example of typical British understatement...)


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. Rather hope to have the courage to continue living so you can atone for what you did by living a better life.


Anyway, I really do hope that I'll never slip into this kind of behavior. I'm not sure I can take that jolt you spoke about.
But I learned to never say never. Being betrayed doesn't make me hurtful-proof but it will sure make it harder for me.


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

My wife cheated 2 months before our second anniversary... I knew things were not great, but bloody hell! I didn't think she would ever do THAT!

Guess I should have known, When we used to date as teenagers she cheated on me then. Sucks that it was the same guy both times! 

What a nightmare!


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Anyway, I really do hope that I'll never slip into this kind of behavior. I'm not sure I can take that jolt you spoke about.
> But I learned to never say never. Being betrayed doesn't make me hurtful-proof but it will sure make it harder for me.


Well said. I agree with that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris22 said:


> My wife cheated 2 months before our second anniversary... I knew things were not great, but bloody hell! I didn't think she would ever do THAT!
> 
> Guess I should have known, When we used to date as teenagers she cheated on me then. Sucks that it was the same guy both times!
> 
> What a nightmare!


Dash it to heck. As nobody in Britain really says... But I am sure you get the general drift of what I wanted to say, Chris!

Might seem a silly question but are you still together, even so?


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Dash it to heck. As nobody in Britain really says... But I am sure you get the general drift of what I wanted to say, Chris!
> 
> Might seem a silly question but are you still together, even so?


Yeah I see what you were saying.

Haha no. Not together, I filed. I think that part of my life will stay in the past.



Petyot said:


> Well said. I agree with that.


Seconded.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I was completely blindsided!
> 
> My STBXWW had such contempt for my EX wife because she cheated on me years before we met. She even said she hated her for what she did to me and the pain she put me through. She also used to get so spew complete disgust when she would hear about someone cheating...even celebrities.


My fWW was the same way. My Ex wife cheated on me, and my wife said she would never, ever do what my ex wife did, and always seemed to have disdain for women who did. Lo and behold, years later all it took was an ex boyfriend from high school that she reconnected with on facebook to tell her she looked great after all these years.


----------



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Never in a millon years would I thought he would cheat on me. I thought he would come to me if we had problems not her. 
For the longest time I would say I don;t trust anyone as far as I can throw them and I throw like a gril so I don't throw that far.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Lord Mayhem:
> 
> One common theme I see among all of the shocked Betrayed spouses is that their cheating spouse mentioned a number of times that they would not cheat.
> 
> ...


*

And I can tell you this: Dr Glass was certainly right in my case. Back in April 2010, we were fighting like crazy, more than in the previous 20 years of marriage. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why was she picking fights with me all the time? Then she yelled: "All these years I've been faithful to you! I've never cheated! If I want to, I can easily get a new man!" I was wondering where did that come from? I never even asked her about any affairs. All I asked was why the hell was she acting this way.

I would later find out this was during the height of her affair and she already had a new man. *


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris22 said:


> Yeah I see what you were saying.
> 
> Haha no. Not together, I filed. I think that part of my life will stay in the past.
> 
> ...


Some things just can't be ignored. 

When you find footprints in the butter, it's time to open the fridge door and say: "Come on, elephant! Time you went outside!"


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

calvin said:


> I will never cheat.Ever.
> Too many people have to pay for your fvck up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just be careful and stay accountable to us her at TAM... Hope to see more of you.


----------



## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Here's my rubber stamp answer. I knew it was possible...we're all capable, just never thought he would. He promised me he wouldn't knowing how my father's infidelity and later my brother's affected me. And then..... Bummer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Here's my rubber stamp answer. I knew it was possible...we're all capable, just never thought he would. He promised me he wouldn't knowing how my father's infedelity and later my brother's affected me. And then..... Bummer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True... People are the worst


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

drerio said:


> Just be careful and stay accountable to us her at TAM... Hope to see more of you.


I know thats a bold statement.
I would never do it.
Seen it in mine and other relationships.
Interesting thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Wow. I could've written that myself.


I read recently in a magazine where this woman said her and her H were living in a no intimacy marriage and she was okay with it..she thought everything was fine and then she discovered her H had an EA...the counsellor said to her..well the fact is you were content to live like roomates and he was not. That statement explains my situation perfectly. 

Sure maybe I am the better person because I didn't go out and cheat however who knows if the right person came along maybe I would have...I don't know. I do not think I was happy in my marriage I was just existing and chose not to do anything about it. When H's EA happened it shook my world and made me realize that I have to step up to the plate or else. It really hit home that he was craving intimacy and affection and I was not giving that to him...and again not that excuses what he did but when you are desperate for a different kind of relationship than what you are in.....

It is amazing the feelings it awakens in you when you realize another woman is hot for your man. I still can see those emails in which she called him handsome and said things like Hi babe, I love you, etc. etc.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its weird,still in denile sometimes but it is what it is.
Not worth the temporary thrill. 
The damage has a half life longer than nuclear waste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Mr. Self Destruct said:


> I never thought my wife would. Hit me so hard I wanted to die.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm with you there


----------



## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I never thought he would cheat.... on me.

I will never blindly trust him. I Give him my trust then I verify everything.


----------



## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

I didn't read every single reply, but I am getting the impression that pretty much everyone thinks that their H/W would never have done whatever it is that they did. I obviously thought the same with respect to my wife. My story is not nearly as bad as many on here, but the bit that eats me the most is that when I read the things my wife wrote on FB it was like she really was a different person completely; a person I have never met. I'm still concerned that all she has done is supress that person and that they are still lurking there somewhere inside. But I guess the point of this thread is that "that person" is lurking somewhere inside all of us; all it needs is a chemical balance shift, and viola!


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I've only read the first couple of pages and then the last few posts on this thread.... so I don't know if any WS's have had the nerve to post here. But, I have to say that as a former WS, and I can only speak for myself, I wonder if there are others, like me, who thought that they, themselves, would be the last person to cheat. I had already been in counseling for about 2 years when my affair began. First, I started going to counseling because I was having a difficult time coping with the challenges of raising a large family, a special needs child and dealing with a variety of circumstances in my extended family. As my world began to crumble around me.... I call it the 5 "F's" Family, Friends, Faith, Finances,.... (?) I turned to my husband (B1) to help fill in the voids. The problem was, there had been a huge void of emotional and physical intimacy, in my marriage, for a very, very long time. Now, I was asking B1 to work with me to rebuild our broken life and shattered dreams and to finally build the kind of marriage that had somehow escaped us for 27 years. Due to his long-term depression and, at the time, an undiagnosed Testosterone deficiency, he was simply unable to respond to my needs. 

I finally realized that I couldn't change him.... I could only change myself and I asked my counselor how I could find other ways to create my own happiness within my very unhappy, lonely existence. Long story, terribly wrong choice..... I had an affair, a long-term EA/PA. It took 13 days from the time I contacted an old high school boyfriend on Facebook until a full blown PA began. I remember going into my counselor's office after my first sexual encounter with the OM (which was the first time that I had laid eyes on him in over 30 years) telling him what I'd done. This had literally began in between my regularly scheduled counseling sessions once every two weeks. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I felt like I couldn't possibly be talking about myself. B1 and I had witnessed the destruction of so many of our friend's marriages due to infidelity. I was the harshest critic of all. I detested infidelity and those who were unfaithful. 

I told my counselor, "I'm not a liar, I'm not a cheater, I'm not selfish, I've never been any of those things." His response, "And, then you were." I was broken. I'm trying to rebuild the broken pieces now. Unfortunately, the broken pieces are my husband, my children, my extended family.... everyone that I love the most. And, the one I hurt the very most may very well have been myself. The final "F" on my list was "Fidelity." I shattered that, too.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Lo and behold, years later all it took was an ex boyfriend from high school that she reconnected with on facebook to tell her she looked great after all these years.


LordM,

I think you know my story... but damn it's ridiculous how an old flame can get to some people. 

In my wife's case... she had already cheated for 6 years with a couple of OM. She has told me that she was regretful at the time and swore to herself that she would never cheat again (I knew nothing at the time). All it took was a FB invite from a college BF of 30 years past. In less than a week she was meeting him at a close by hotel-no-tell for sex and planning her escape from me. 

I still look at her 3 years post dd and wonder who this person really is. She appears to be the person I married a long time ago. But, talk about being fooled (Matt you are right). How can you live with someone for 30 years and really not know what kind of person they really are? 

As the days drift by... I wake up and wonder what is the point any more. Why even bother looking into the past... it makes no sense... it has no purpose in my future, but I get up and plow ahead regardless, my family, my responsibilities, could care less about my anguish. In the end this is the reality of betrayal. No one really cares about it. Move on with it is the Mantra of the day. 

Silently it haunts without cease.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Why was she picking fights with me all the time? Then she yelled: "All these years I've been faithful to you! I've never cheated! * If I want to, I can easily get a new man!" *


The bolded words are red flag words. People say that because _they already know._


----------



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

None of us thought it possible really then eh? 

What has made me laugh in moments of madness has been the fact that some people who know about my husbands EA have even said "Omg, you yes but not him, I mean you are the chatty one who everyone fancies!". When the thought of straying never crossed my mind, even when faced with opportunity to do so, I just wouldn't have ever gone there. Makes me feel even more crap than this awful feeling of betrayal. It's like living in a freaking dream/nightmare every day.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yep I'm there too

The relationship before my current stbxw was with a serial cheat and one thing we agreed on right at the start (15 yrs ago) was that if we had problems we would end the relationship / marriage before any cheating started

So I believed she'd never cheat on me

Hahaha! 

guess what


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Maybe there is some sort of subconscious trigger that causes people to want to be unfaithful? 

I have never experienced it before though, even at school when I was dating people, I never cheated. I once dumped a girl and 20 minutes later asked another girl out, but to actually cheat without telling her where she stood first just seemed wrong. 

I've been in positions where I could have easily cheated on my stbxw, gotten away with it completely and no one bar me would have ever known... I just had no desire to do it.

Take my stbxw for example. She kissed another man, randomly (debateable) on a night out. I could see how it could happen, spur of the moment, sudden silly move, call it what you want. She told me about this, I didn't have a massive problem. What got me was the private EA she started with him afterwards, and the efforts she went to deny and hide it. What would make someone do that? It wasn't a lapse of sanity, she consciously betrayed the family unit.. I just wonder if I or our daughter ever popped into her mind when she was doing it. 

When I thought things were finally over, I slept with another woman, and it was horrible. We were not even together and I felt like I had betrayed her. 

Somethings Ill just never know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> And, the one I hurt the very most may very well have been myself.


I don't believe you can quantify pain. Everybody feels he was hurt the most because you can't feel closer to any pain but you're own. The perpetrator, the victim and the witness, each party feels he was wounded the most.

I hope that "the experience" made you realize what are your priorities. The depression is very understandable but your children hadn't any say in your decision to start a family.
How were things after the reconciliation ? Did you find a solution to the lack of intimacy ?


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> My fWW was the same way. My Ex wife cheated on me, and my wife said she would never, ever do what my ex wife did, and always seemed to have disdain for women who did. Lo and behold, years later all it took was an ex boyfriend from high school that she reconnected with on facebook to tell her she looked great after all these years.


Lordmayhem, Facebook, old boyfriend and cheap compliments were the combination that killed my marriage as well.


----------



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Lordmayhem, Facebook, old boyfriend and cheap compliments were the combination that killed my marriage as well.


Yep, same.

Old boyfriend - Kissed

Facebook - Emotional Affair

Cheap Compliments - A few messages obviously meant more than a future with me.

Sadly I'd say this is how it is for a load of people.

Damn infidelity!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I was well brung up D) and knew right from wrong. But I still found myself 1n 1989 being the AP of the woman I would marry. We are still together, now.


That's interesting. I read your posts and as I recall your wife cheated first on you and then you had a revenge affair. 

Personally, I would never marry someone who had prior had an affair in a marriage. 

It's just too risky, IMO. 

Now, the revenge affair, I think that is a normal response done out of pain. 

It's not a good response or something I would suggest or chose, but it is more understandable than having an A because one is bored in the marriage or passive aggressive.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> And I can tell you this: Dr Glass was certainly right in my case. Back in April 2010, we were fighting like crazy, more than in the previous 20 years of marriage. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why was she picking fights with me all the time? Then she yelled: "All these years I've been faithful to you! I've never cheated! If I want to, I can easily get a new man!" I was wondering where did that come from? I never even asked her about any affairs. All I asked was why the hell was she acting this way.
> 
> I would later find out this was during the height of her affair and she already had a new man.


Ah, the picking fight scenario. I bet she started but somehow managed to convince you that you started it. 

I am glad you are on top of things, LM.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

margrace said:


> i'm in the never-in-a-million-years group... i trusted my fWH completely. i'm fascinated by the comments regarding people who *say* they would never cheat. he did that, and was very judgmental of people who cheated.
> 
> i never saw any signs at all although he was unhappy in our marriage for several years before he cheated. i didn't really understand how unhappy he was -- i see now how poorly we communicated about our relationship. i was unhappy too. i never thought of cheating, though. i guess i always thought of the unhappy times as temporary, even though we never addressed directly what we needed to do to be happier. i took for granted that he saw things this way, too.
> 
> will i trust him again, now that we are working on R? i think that i will to some extent, but not as completely (or maybe i should say, not as naively).


This is another thing hear over and over. The faithful spouse recognized the rough patches in the marriage were temporary and chose not to cheat. 

The cheater never communicates their unhappiness, typically trumps it up after dday, and justifies the rough patches typical of all long term marriages as a good reason to cheat.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> It is amazing the feelings it awakens in you when you realize another woman is hot for your man. I still can see those emails in which she called him handsome and said things like Hi babe, I love you, etc. etc.


Highwood:

This women was just manipulating your husband for personal gain. 

The OW in my case, did not have sex with her own husband, she called him boring. She married him for his money. 

A book written by a female divorce attorneys says that these type of woman will eventually, in two to three years become bored with their new husband, if they leave for the affair partner. 

She thinks that these woman just use sex to control and manipulate men and the men are just so eager to believe the flattery. 

For my part, if someone flatters me too much, I get a tad suspicious and concerned. 

When someone puts another on a pedestal it is a very long time before that person will take a very long fall off that pedestal. 

That's why I think the OW and my STBEH deserve each other. He doesn't want her as a wife, but he deserves her as a wife. 

She could treat him in a way that would show him how he's made me feel.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Highwood:
> 
> This women was just manipulating your husband for personal gain.
> 
> ...


I agree with you! I have told him that many times...gee you don't think that her wanting to come to Canada to start a new life had anything to do with her coming at you hard. She was filipino..grew up in the Phillipines, a 3rd world country, he met her while he was in Singapore working, and even though Singapore is not 3rd world it is very expensive to live there. She saw H and saw a better opportunity for a life. He told me that the moment she found out he was from Canada she got all excited and offered to show him around Singapore...and the rest is history. 

After DD#2 I went to see a divorce lawyer to get some info. and I told the lawyer about the situation and she asked me where was this woman from..and the moment I said she was filipino the lawyer laughed and said, "that figures". 


Even when she found out that he had lied and was not separated she was still so desperate to cling to him and keep it going..obviously still hoping that she could come over here on someone else's dime.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

calvin said:


> I will never cheat.Ever.
> Too many people have to pay for your fvck up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wish it were that simple 

We all have our breaking point.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You know, I never "thought" my wife would cheat, because I really just didn't think about it. But there were red flags all over the place for years. As the man says, "Denial is more than a river in Egypt."


----------



## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

river rat said:


> As the man says, "Denial is more than a river in Egypt."


 I like that quote


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> While there are many WS who clearly indulged in risky behaviors (i.e. close opposite sex friends, going out for drinks after work with coworkers, lunch dates with coworkers, regular BNOs/GNOs, etc), how many more thought that their WS would be the last person in the world to cheat?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Given my ex wife's background, it never occurred to me that she would feel the urge.
Why would you want to risk losing the guy who gives you every material thing you ask for?
I'll give her credit for pulling it off for the entire time we were married.
I think her sense of "entitlement" rivals that of people who have lived at the taxpayer's expense for five and six generations.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

river rat said:


> Isn't it amazing the damage parents do to their children w/ their selfish behavior? I suggest you check in w/ a therapist to help you deal w/ your scars. They are deep, but they can be dealt with. Kudos to your wife for her faith and support.


As mad as I get with my wife, she is a good women. We have been together for 20 years now. When I first met her, I told her everything about me and my past and she actually stayed.

Still, with all I know and the garbage my dad put us all through, I wonder if I could do the same thing that my Dad did. I hope that is enough to prevent me from cheating. 

When I was an adult and my Dad was cheating on my step-mom, I revealed his affair. The last thing my Dad told me was I was no longer his son.... Thats right, he makes me feel like I did something wrong. He died a few years later. It was just a stupid way to end his life on.

As far as a therapist...I think I have dealt with my scars...The scars will always be there.


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

RWB said:


> LordM,
> 
> I think you know my story... but damn it's ridiculous how an old flame can get to some people.
> 
> ...


this is often my reality


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Zak68 said:


> In truth, I am a colder, more cynical person these days. I still try to be happy and live life but I've seen the darker side of life and I see the shadows cast in the sunshine.
> 
> Trying to learn to love again but it will never be like before. She will never have my blind trust. I love her, we are still married but that thing that made it special in my mind is gone and can't be repaired.
> 
> Even if we had broken up I would look at every relationship that follows with mistrust. She ruined my ability to trust other people.


Zak,

This is exactly how I feel. My wife knows now my trust is never more. She has been trying so hard for years after her betrayal, but I will never give away my trust like before... how could any. Worse... I will trust no one ever again. Regardless of.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I wouldn't say that I thought she would be the last person in the world to cheat...
but I can say I loved her so much and tried so hard to please her that it was 
never even a thought in my head.

Live and learn I suppose.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

*hand up*

Me. Can I join the club of partners who never, EVER thought it? 

I thought my husband would be the last person on earth to betray me.

I can remember countless times saying for one reason or another that I knew we had our differences but there was never a shred of doubt in my mind that he would cheat. I was 100% convinced. Strange maybe as I had been cheated on before in the past but I hadn't carried it with me, being younger and having less invested I'd just moved on.

I think having that complete trust is what can really knock you for six. I realise I'm not saying ANYTHING that anyone hasn't said before but it makes you question EVERYTHING. What has come before and what is now. It does fade but I wonder sometimes where the person went that I met years ago - or maybe that person was never really there and it was just an illusion *shrugs*


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

tobio said:


> *hand up*
> 
> I think having that complete trust is what can really knock you for six. I realise I'm not saying ANYTHING that anyone hasn't said before but it makes you question EVERYTHING. What has come before and what is now. It does fade but I wonder sometimes where the person went that I met years ago - or maybe that person was never really there and it was just an illusion *shrugs*


Yep, that's it


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well.......I definitely thought my spouse would be the last one to cheat....for YEARS she would say whenever someone cheated and i felt bad for their relationship ending "they had a choice". Whenever we discussed things she would say 'love is a decision" not an emotion. Even months before her affair, when my sister's marriage broke up over her affair, my ex said "your sister is a wart on the ass of society for what she did"...........guess what? who's the wart now??????


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Never thought he would cheat. We had a whirlwind romance right out of a movie (sappy but true). He told me that he had been cheated on by a girlfriend one time and how it hurt. He is a romantic. 

1.5 years into marriage we are watching Jerry Springer together (sad I know), and I said, you had better not ever cheat on me (jokingly) - he went white, and confessed that he had made out with a girl right after we were married after drinking and going out with a group of friends (we did not live together right away after marriage for 3 months because he was in the military and changing duty stations).

I shut down for almost 2 years talking to family and friends...I was depressed, but I struggled through it. I had moved to another state and had no one but him. He knew how destroyed I was and I did not think he would ever do it again. How could you after seeing the damage and fallout - and we had no children then. Because of that, I wanted to wait to have children until I felt I was going to stay married to this man and that it would all be OK....took 5 years to make that decision, so we started our family later than most.

If we argued (and we had some big ones - he was an ahole, and now I know why - keeping secrets), I would ask him if he wanted a divorce - that made him so angry and he told me never to say that or bring up divorce because it was not an option....fast forward a few years...

He always talked about soldiers cheating on their spouses (I always thought it was a bit ironic because he had done it, but I thought it was just a one time "mistake"). I never thought he would go there again....I was wrong....2 more times. I never knew about #2 until #3 was revealed with the ILYBINOLWY and want a divorce....could not even admit during that first conversation that there was another person involved, but I knew - you don't just dump your family that you just bought a house and new car with if things were so bad before. 

I knew he cheated once, but I never thought he would again.


----------



## madmac (Aug 14, 2012)

after 20 yrs of a loving happy marriage with two great girls
after 25 years together since we were 17 and still deeply in love
and lust with each other
after 25 years of being my best friend as well as soul mate

did i think she would have a emotional affair with a builder and get 
involved with a gang off young immigrants who passed her details around like she was a used tissue then talk her into doing 150 naked pictures and 300 porn txts while my children slept next door

NO not in a million years not for a sec
two years of betrayal for what ?

signing off deeply hurt and a lost lonely soul with a broken heart and a head that cant seem to clear the words and pictures of pure heatbreak

where is the wife i loved and lived for now as all i can see is a shell before me of lies and betrayal


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Strange how I'm seeing all these stories where their WS has said they wouldn't cheat and even looked down on others who did cheat....themselves end up cheating, including mine.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I suppose blind trust would be required to stay in a marriage after one cheats. If you knew it would happen again, why would you stay? If I knew it was going to happen again, I would have walked 14 years ago after the first time. As a BS, we hope that it never happens again and want to believe, but we keep one eye open at all times, but trusting it won't happen again.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Strange how I'm seeing all these stories where their WS has said they wouldn't cheat and even looked down on others who did cheat....themselves end up cheating, including mine.


Pretty messed up, isn't it? I don't know if it is to deflect guilt off themselves or becuse they just forget that they did it too...?!? As I look back, I can remember exactly a time that he would come home and tell me the work gossip - this was around the same time that # 2 happened. 

I think I am going to start going around gossiping about people who win the lottery...maybe it will happen to me


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I was completely blindsided!
> 
> My STBXWW had such contempt for my EX wife because she cheated on me years before we met. She even said she hated her for what she did to me and the pain she put me through. She also used to spew complete disgust when she would hear about someone cheating...even celebrities.
> 
> ...


I asolutely hate your wife


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Well.......I definitely thought my spouse would be the last one to cheat....for YEARS she would say whenever someone cheated and i felt bad for their relationship ending "they had a choice". Whenever we discussed things she would say 'love is a decision" not an emotion. Even months before her affair, when my sister's marriage broke up over her affair, my ex said "your sister is a wart on the ass of society for what she did"...........guess what? who's the wart now??????


Wow, I hope you put that in a letter and send it to her. 

In psychology, they call that type of statement "reaction formation" That means that someone protests and despises the very thing they are doing. Usually they bring it up without any prompting or reason for mentioning it.

The only good thing is if they are doing that they likely aren't psychopaths because apparently they have a conscience that is functional enough to cause them to feel such guilt that they use the mechanism of reaction formation to protect their own mind.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I was promiscuous before my marriage. I was very concious of my boundaires. I knew I had to strengthen them very hard so I didn't cheat. I never doubted my wife thou.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I did and didn’t... Early in the marriage I didn’t think she could. She was quite outspoken about it and wouldn’t even watch movies where she either knew the actor had cheated (thus making him a bad person & actor) or movies that had adultery. Then this new job, she knew some were acting at least like they weren’t married and were a bit to close. She’d rag about it to me. She didn’t respect these people at all.

Then the stories stopped. Then she started saying things (excuses) when Clinton got caught. Then she started dropping all her girlfriends and hanging out with those same people telling me how funny they were and what a good time they’d have out at happy hours...... And my suspicions kept growing and growing. I know what it is like to live with years of massive anxiety and frustration because deep down you know your spouse isn’t faithful regardless of her words and your lack of evidence. It took five years before I finally found something concrete....


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Before I found out about my H's cheat a big celebrity affair had hit the media. A conversation in work (I work with about 24 women) started up because of this celebrity and almost all the women stated no man could be trusted. I disagreed as I'd never thought my husband would. We were solid, very much together and very much in love. I had always had full access to laptop with all emails, FB and blackberry.

I was laughed at by these women because I said 'not all men cheat' I was told 'how naive are you?' and 'offered on a plate all men would take it' still I said NO not all men. I was / am very much in love with my H and they know this, whilst most of them are older than me and seem to be bitter about their spouses i thought they were just a bit out of love.

That evening laughing to myself about the work conversations i picked up my H blackberry (a little test) and scrolled down to the first message from a female rep he worked with from time to time. I read something that made me want to vomit. Just the thought of him flirting with this young woman shocked me as i never had seen him so much as look at another woman....he just wasn't that type.

I threw his phone at him and said 'what the F is that?' he quickly said it was nothing and just a joke. Told me she was a faked tan thing his company bought hardware from...he was laughing it off and making light of it. He could see I was very shocked and upset as i told him I would never have thought this was a way he would conduct himself at work. We rowed about it for a few days, he trying to reassure me it was nothing but a response to an earlier telephone conversation...but to me he was giving her a green light and that he was open to it.

In work within a few days he replied to an email i'd sent to him and he was so horrible and defensive, saying i'd never trusted him and that he'd never in all the years we'd been together cheated. He told me every time he went away with work i was always the same...didn't trust him. I was blown away, where had all this anger come from? At this point i got really worried.

I started to browse through his emails, something i'd always had access to, but never looked at.

I started to see that he was a little bit of a flirt with the lady colleagues, nothing sinister but it still didn't ring true it was his style. I felt like I didn't know him.

To cut a long story short, his anger and defensiveness made me feel instinctively there was something to hide. I asked him directly have you ever kissed with, slept with another woman...he insisted always that he never had. swore on my life, our sons life...but still I doubted him.

Eventually I found what my gut was telling me...he'd had a BJ off a colleague after work...ok it didn't last, it was a one off (as far as i know) but i'd never have known about this if i hadn't seen OW email offering it with no strings attached. I'd never have looked for that mail if I hadn't picked up the blackberry.

He's glad now that his dirty secret is out, but what worries me most is that i know he can lie, lie and lie some more...He would have sworn on anything he wanted to save his a*rse so badlyand if i'd never relied on my instincts about his reaction to that txt message, i'd never have known.

guilt and defensiveness = something to worry about IMO


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I, unfortunately was naive enough to believe my wife was telling the truth and expressing herself to me truthfully. I stressed honesty and openness as highly important to me even before we were married. She did not honor me then, even before she decided she wanted to marry me. She pushed me into the marriage. Now I don't know why. I should have listened to my instincts. She will never be able to stay faithful to anyone. She will only be faithful if there is no other way and then she will not be happy. She will have to find someone who is the same as her and he will not be faithful since he will have many opportunities to cheat. She will never know what is happening because he will be a better liar and adulterer than she. Too bad she put herself in this position. She will never know true love, only infatuation and lust. There will be no truth in the relationship.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Shakespeare said "Thoust protest too much" and there's an old saying "Whenever you point a finger you have three pointing back" I think aptly applies here......


----------



## Kanga (Sep 5, 2012)

Me. This might sound strange, but Im pretty sure that I would never do it to him and I thought he was the same. We never talked about it.

Hindsight of course is a wonderful thing..... Maybe I should have known.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Racer said:


> Then she started dropping all her girlfriends and hanging out with those same people telling me how funny they were and what a good time they’d have out at happy hours...... And my suspicions kept growing and growing. I know what it is like to live with years of massive anxiety and frustration because deep down you know your spouse isn’t faithful regardless of her words and your lack of evidence. It took five years before I finally found something concrete....


Racer, I could of wrote this section exactly about my wife. My wife dumped her old non-work friends and became close to 2 work females (both divorced cheaters). She started going to a GNO once a week to watch DVD of "Sex in the City" or Friday after work happy hour. I didn't know that a few male friends were also attending regularly. It took me 6 six years to get the truth.


----------

