# New Marriage vs. Step Monster



## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

Seeking advice and or input on my current situation: I have been married to my childhood crush for 20 months and he has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He was never married to the child's mother as this was only a casual relationship between the two but she wanted more so she trapped him by stopping her birth control thinking it would convince him to marry her because she was having his child, however that was not the case. He stayed with her during her pregnancy and a year after the child was born and then he could not take it anymore and he left her for good. He was dating someone for 3 years before me and the child's mother treated his then girlfriend very nastily and held hatred towards her as she does the same for me now. Their breakup was not because of another woman, it was simply that she is a bipolar nasty person and he could no longer take being with her. He stayed as long as he could for the sake of their child. 

Anyway, I have only met the baby mother one time and I tried to be an adult and be civil with her and talk with her to try and develop some type of relationship with her to make things easier for all parties involved. Well, she was very nasty with me and told me in no uncertain terms that I am not prohibited to take her child anywhere or do anything with her while she is at our house and when she is with us it is daddy/daughter time and she is not there for my enjoyment and furthermore called me "the flavor of the month" but ended it with stating that I treat her child well. She has no interaction with me whatsoever and it makes things very difficult. Her child acts the same way as her mother. The next issue is that the child has diagnosed ADHD and is prescribed medication twice daily but the issue is that my husband and her mother only give her the medication while she is in school (2nd grade) so she can focus and be somewhat calm during school hours.

She was expelled from Pre K school and has been in trouble the past year in school and even told one of her classmates that she wanted to kill the teacher because she didn't get candy on Halloween like the other kids in class because she was misbehaving. She hits other kids in class and even spit on another child. I brought her to a kids birthday party at my neighbors house a month ago and my husband and I and the neighbor saw her hit another kid at the party. She went in time out but has a real attitude problem. She acts just like her mother and is rotten. No one wants to deal with her because she is so mean and rude. She told me and my husband a few weeks ago she would hurt us and then she laughed about what she said and then said she was just joking. She has no respect for anyone and is very spoiled. I got a new kitten a month ago and last week when she spent the night on her overnight stay with dad, she was playing with the cat and she proceeded to kick my cat and hit him in the face with one of his toys. I repremanded her several times and she doesn't listen and its like it goes in one ear and out the other. The cat scratched her eye because she went back for more and I told her this is what happens when you do bad things and mistreat animals. She cried to her dad and then my husband and I got into a really huge blowout over this and didn't speak for two days.

I feel she needs her medication as prescribed but my husband said he will only give it to her while in school and that he wants his daughter to have a normal life like any another child. I understand that but her behavior is unacceptable. I treat her very well but she goes home to mom and tells her things about me which in turn my husband gets a text stating these lies and has to defend me which should not be. I will not bathe her or do anything for her for the simple fact I don't trust the child of what she might make up and tell her mother. The child is putting a wedge between my husband and I and is manipulating our marriage. I won't let this child defeat me but something needs to be done. I don't like going home when she is there on her one night with dad because I can't stand being around when she is there. I feel she is only going to get worse. I appreciate you reading this post and I would love to hear your thoughts and or suggestions. I don't want to end up getting a divorce over her but I won't allow her to defeat me in my own home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

I went back and read your other threads. 

Your in a marriage with a man who mistreats you. On top of that he has a badly behaved daughter who mistreats you.

The girl may or may not have AD/HD, sometimes children who are not taught to behave get put on the meds. To me she sounds like a kid who just has never been civilized by her parents.

I don't get why you are staying in this marriage. His child is a problem and will cause you undo heaps of pain and trouble the rest of your life. But your husband is your real problem as he mistreats you, encourages his daughter to mistreat you and he is not teaching his daughter to be a descent person.

The only viable advice here is to suggest that you get a divorce.

So why are you saying in this marriage? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-emotions-completely-drained-need-advice.html


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

I just turned 43 in April and he turned 42 in January. I agree with you on his child about the ADHD situation. She has discipline at her mother's house and has two older siblings that are 20 and 21 that also teach her bad things. Her mother is a school teacher and should know better but she is only doing harm to their child. You are also correct about his child causing me heaps of pain now and for the rest of my life. I am a Type 1 diabetic and don't need the undo stress I am faced with and the anxiety of when she is at my home. I think that he needs to seek counseling for his insecurities and alcoholism etc as well. He is my problem, you are right about that. I told him last week that I wanted a divorce and pleaded with me that he didn't want me to divorce and promised to make his daughter behave but I don't see it happening or lasting. He is a very selfish being at that. 

Thank you for your input, i do appreciate it very much. I don't feel like I am alone in this.


EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your husband?
> 
> I went back and read your other threads.
> 
> ...


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

Correction: She has NO discipline at her mother's house.


EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your husband?
> 
> I went back and read your other threads.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I just read your other thread too. I am not one who usually first up says to someone to end their marriage.

In your case though, I don't see any other healthy option.

Sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mlw11612 said:


> I just turned 43 in April and he turned 42 in January. I agree with you on his child about the ADHD situation. She has discipline at her mother's house and has two older siblings that are 20 and 21 that also teach her bad things. Her mother is a school teacher and should know better but she is only doing harm to their child. You are also correct about his child causing me heaps of pain now and for the rest of my life. I am a Type 1 diabetic and don't need the undo stress I am faced with and the anxiety of when she is at my home. I think that he needs to seek counseling for his insecurities and alcoholism etc as well. He is my problem, you are right about that. I told him last week that I wanted a divorce and pleaded with me that he didn't want me to divorce and promised to make his daughter behave but I don't see it happening or lasting. He is a very selfish being at that.
> 
> Thank you for your input, i do appreciate it very much. I don't feel like I am alone in this.


The good thing is that you do not need his permission to get a divorce. Why not start making your plan to get the divorce done. Start by seeing an attorney or mediator. You have been married a very short time, right? The divorce might be pretty simple.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Medicating children because parents can't do their damn job, the story of SO many Americans.

How sad.

If your husband is worth keeping, just don't be around his daughter.......sounds like she is not worth being around anyways and she doesn't deserve your attention/time anyways.

Keep it separate.......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DoF said:


> Medicating children because parents can't do their damn job, the story of SO many Americans.
> 
> How sad.
> 
> ...


The child isn't "worth" being around? She's only 7. The reason she's a handful is more on her parents than on her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> The child isn't "worth" being around? She's only 7. The reason she's a handful is more on her parents than on her.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand that, but she is the result of it all........

It's not something OP should be dealing with. I don't care if you are 7 or 80, if you are a ****ty person, you are a ****ty person. Regardless if it's your parents that didn't raise you right or some kind of an event etc etc.

#7 does NOT exempt that child from that, sorry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're entitled to your opinion... . 

I disagree that a 7 year old can't be taught to NOT be a "****ty" person. However, it would take significant effort on the part of her parents, and that doesn't seem likely. 

I DO agree she's best off saving herself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> You're entitled to your opinion... .
> 
> I disagree that a 7 year old can't be taught to NOT be a "****ty" person.


Ohh, I'm not saying he can't be. I'm simply assuming that it will NOT be based on description of both parents in the OP post.





PBear said:


> However, it would take significant effort on the part of her parents, and that doesn't seem likely.
> 
> I DO agree she's best off saving herself.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

No, fortunately I do not need his permission to get a divorce. We have been married for 20 months and I am not sure how I have survived this long. The good thing is that I work for a large attorney firm so the cost would be very small and simple. He says he wants to go to marriage counseling but that isn't going to change the situation with his daughter.


EleGirl said:


> The good thing is that you do not need his permission to get a divorce. Why not start making your plan to get the divorce done. Start by seeing an attorney or mediator. You have been married a very short time, right? The divorce might be pretty simple.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

I agree with you on the part about medicating children because of bad parenting. As someone stated earlier she may or may not have ADHD but she goes to a doctor that diagnosed her with this and is supposed to be administered twice daily which they do not do, only on school days which I think is not right. Her mother is nasty and bitter and her daughter is just like her. I know she is only 7 but trust me she knows what she's doing. She has problems at school and other places with otjer kids so it isn't just her ADHD in my opinion. As we all have stated her parents are much to blame for her behavior but at a point we al have to be responsible for our own behavior and know right from wrong. My husband has been trying to discipline her but we only have her one night a week so there isn't much he can do with the little time he has her. 

I do know one thing and that is that she is ruining our marriage and putting a wedge between us and yes I blame him too but more on the part of her mother. She is wicked, mean and nasty and immature. I did tell him that when she is over at my house, I will be staying away. I don't want to be subjected to her nastiness and rudeness.


DoF said:


> Medicating children because parents can't do their damn job, the story of SO many Americans.
> 
> How sad.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Any chance you could go back and break your original post into several paragraphs? I just can't get through it in such a big chunk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mlw11612 said:


> I agree with you on the part about medicating children because of bad parenting. As someone stated earlier she may or may not have ADHD but she goes to a doctor that diagnosed her with this and is supposed to be administered twice daily which they do not do, only on school days which I think is not right. Her mother is nasty and bitter and her daughter is just like her. I know she is only 7 but trust me she knows what she's doing. She has problems at school and other places with otjer kids so it isn't just her ADHD in my opinion. As we all have stated her parents are much to blame for her behavior but at a point we al have to be responsible for our own behavior and know right from wrong. My husband has been trying to discipline her but we only have her one night a week so there isn't much he can do with the little time he has her.
> 
> I do know one thing and that is that she is ruining our marriage and putting a wedge between us and yes I blame him too but more on the part of her mother. She is wicked, mean and nasty and immature. I did tell him that when she is over at my house, I will be staying away. I don't want to be subjected to her nastiness and rudeness.


Let's be clear here. She's 7 years old. It's the adults, her parents, who are the problem. Sure she knows what she's doing. At 7, a smart kid can control a household and make everyone miserable. But the child can only do this if the adults allow it. 

Her mother and your husband are allowing, and even encouraging, her bad behavior. The blame falls on them. 

Your husband is not a pleasant person to start with. He is allowing his daughter to behave like this and make you miserable because it suits him to do so.

I'm thinking that part of your issue is that you are putting the blame on the child, when its her father who you need to be upset with. And since you blame the child, you are not responding appropriately to your husband's mistreatment of you and his hugely bad parenting.

To allow a child to be so uncivilized is a form of child abuse (IMHO). IT's child abuse because she is growing up thinking that she can act this way. It will lead to a very unhappy life for her.

By you sticking around you are not only allowing your husband to abuse you, you are also participating in the bad upbringing this girl is experiencing.

IMHO.. for your own sanity you need to get out of this bad marriage and dysfunctional family.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

Done 


turnera said:


> Any chance you could go back and break your original post into several paragraphs? I just can't get through it in such a big chunk.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

She definitely knows what she is doing and she does it with confidence. I would say her parents are 90% the blame for her behavior, more so her mother because that is where she spends most of her time. She is a very smart kid and for instance last night was her night to stay overnight and I got home around 8:30 P.M. and she said "hello" and was trying to hold a conversation with me and I went in my bedroom to watch TV and she followed me in the bedroom and said to me "Don't talk to my dad tonight because he was mean to me" I said "Really, what did you do for him to be mean?" She replied I didn't do anything, so I walked out and asked my husband why he was being mean to her and he said that he wasn't mean to her and that she was lying and she later admitted she lied. So it is obvious that she knows how to "play" us against each other. She isn't dumb by any means.

I from now on will no longer allow her to control me and make my life miserable. She is 7 years old and I am the adult and am 43 years old. It is just a sad situation that she is being brought up in this manner and they don't seem to care. My husband makes her mind more so than her mother but it isn't very effective when she is only at my house once a week. 

It will take something serious to happen for them to realize what this child is doing. The child has (2) older siblings (20 and 21) that do not guide her in the right direction either.In fact they are both currently pregnant and expecting twins and still living at home. Not a good environment for this child. A form of child abuse for sure.

In regards to my husband, I am working on my own plan to get away, I am not financially able to do so at the moment but I am working on it. I am Type 1 diabetic so I need to acquire my own health insurance among other things. I want to be happy and independent like I was before him.


EleGirl said:


> Let's be clear here. She's 7 years old. It's the adults, her parents, who are the problem. Sure she knows what she's doing. At 7, a smart kid can control a household and make everyone miserable. But the child can only do this if the adults allow it.
> 
> Her mother and your husband are allowing, and even encouraging, her bad behavior. The blame falls on them.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is not a pleasant person to start with. He is allowing his daughter to behave like this and make you miserable because it suits him to do so. I'm thinking that part of your issue is that you are putting the blame on the child, when its her father who you need to be upset with. And since you blame the child, you are not responding appropriately to your husband's mistreatment of you and his hugely bad parenting.


This is your problem in a nutshell. You're not willing to walk away from an abuser, so telling HIM that you have an issue with HER lets you keep from having to face him and what he does to you. Don't know what to tell you, other than to start being tougher about what you expect. If he agreed to therapy, tell him you're not going to be in the same room with him until he attends the first appointment. If you want something done about the kid, tell him until he takes HER to a therapist, you will have nothing to do with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mlw11612 said:


> last night was her night to stay overnight and *I got home* around 8:30 P.M. and *she said "hello" and was trying to hold a conversation with me* and *I went in my bedroom* to watch TV and *she followed me* in the bedroom and said to me "Don't talk to my dad tonight because he was mean to me" I said "Really, *what did you do *for him to be mean?" She replied I didn't do anything, so I walked out and asked my husband why he was being mean to her and he said that he wasn't mean to her and that she was lying and she later admitted she lied.


Wait a minute. Are you kidding me?

You're not this innocent person, either, me thinks. What adult physically avoids a child trying to engage with her? And then ACCUSES a CHILD? It doesn't matter if she was lying. You're apparently the only sane adult in her life who has a chance to show her the right path; instead, you're teaching her to be abhorred. smh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mlw11612 said:


> She definitely knows what she is doing and she does it with confidence. I would say her parents are 90% the blame for her behavior, more so her mother because that is where she spends most of her time. She is a very smart kid and for instance last night was her night to stay overnight and I got home around 8:30 P.M. and she said "hello" and was trying to hold a conversation with me and I went in my bedroom to watch TV and she followed me in the bedroom and said to me "Don't talk to my dad tonight because he was mean to me" I said "Really, what did you do for him to be mean?" She replied I didn't do anything, so I walked out and asked my husband why he was being mean to her and he said that he wasn't mean to her and that she was lying and she later admitted she lied. So it is obvious that she knows how to "play" us against each other. She isn't dumb by any means.
> 
> I from now on will no longer allow her to control me and make my life miserable. She is 7 years old and I am the adult and am 43 years old. It is just a sad situation that she is being brought up in this manner and they don't seem to care. My husband makes her mind more so than her mother but it isn't very effective when she is only at my house once a week.
> 
> ...


If you are low income, you can get insurance for free. It will most likely be Medicaid. So you don't have to wait on that.


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