# Likes masturbation (sometimes) but not intercourse



## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

My sex life leaves a lot to be desired. We've been together 3+ years. In the beginning the sex wasn't often enough, but it was almost every day that we saw each other. Maybe 4-6 times a month. Figured it would increase in frequency once we started living together. It didn't. It also wasn't that great to be honest. He seems to lack the passionate, domineering, alpha male thing.

The real problem is he much prefers manual or oral stimulation to intercourse when he is interested in sex at all (once or twice a week, Sat or Sun morning only). I get it, it's a helluva lot less work for him. On the other hand, I've never ever been with or heard of a person that didn't prefer intercourse. I used to perform oral all the time but have recently stopped. Which I hate because i geniunely LIKE doing it for him, but I'm definitely beginning to resent giving and not receiving. He told me he just doesn't really enjoy giving oral, it's not me, he's never really liked it. The 3 times he actually did it, he was half drunk and he was really good at it. 

He also never kisses me passionately either. Now that I think about it, he hasn't kissed me in 4 or 5 months, other than a peck. The more I type the more I realize how utterly sad my sex life actually is. The last time we had intercourse was sometime in Feb. 

We spend most of our free time together. There is no other woman, I'm sure of that. He's very cuddly and affectionate and hugs me all the time. I'm just so dang frustrated with our sex life and his constantly checking his phone and that spills over into other aspects of our life together.

He's constantly on Facebook, and I mean constantly. I was cooking last night, and I could see him on the couch watching tv. In 47 mins he picked up his phone and logged into Facebook 9 times. He scrolls and scrolls and reads and reads. He never posts anything. So after dinner I'm watching a TV show with him (that he asked me to watch with him) and at one point I said something like "I think I've seen this before, have you?" He grunts at me, because he's on his Facebook. So even when we are watching TV, he's on his Facebook. Hes never just THERE with me. I have to wait for him to finish whatever he's doing on Facebook, then he'll answer me, if he can remember what I said. It's really frustrating and I feel stupid that I feel like I'm in competition with his damn phone.

I think it's time for a Bloody Mary.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So you are not married then right?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Trudy Abby said:


> My sex life leaves a lot to be desired. We've been together 3+ years. In the beginning the sex wasn't often enough, but it was almost every day that we saw each other. Maybe 4-6 times a month. Figured it would increase in frequency once we started living together. It didn't. It also wasn't that great to be honest. He seems to lack the passionate, domineering, alpha male thing.


Be careful what you wish for. YOu might get that with sex, but you probably don't want to end up with "alpha male" outside of sex.....

DO NOT assume sex life will change. What you have is what you will get forward...



Trudy Abby said:


> The real problem is he much prefers manual or oral stimulation to intercourse when he is interested in sex at all (once or twice a week, Sat or Sun morning only). I get it, it's a helluva lot less work for him. On the other hand, I've never ever been with or heard of a person that didn't prefer intercourse. I used to perform oral all the time but have recently stopped. Which I hate because i geniunely LIKE doing it for him, but I'm definitely beginning to resent giving and not receiving. He told me he just doesn't really enjoy giving oral, it's not me, he's never really liked it. The 3 times he actually did it, he was half drunk and he was really good at it.


Man that doesn't like to/want to satisfy their loved one.......BIG RED FLAG



Trudy Abby said:


> He also never kisses me passionately either. Now that I think about it, he hasn't kissed me in 4 or 5 months, other than a peck. The more I type the more I realize how utterly sad my sex life actually is. The last time we had intercourse was sometime in Feb.
> 
> We spend most of our free time together. There is no other woman, I'm sure of that. He's very cuddly and affectionate and hugs me all the time. I'm just so dang frustrated with our sex life and his constantly checking his phone and that spills over into other aspects of our life together.
> 
> ...


So he is addicted to facebook? That's rather immature/childish of him, I'm sorry.

I assume you clearly communicated all of the above to him. Has he made a change AT ALL?

You have to decide if what you currently have is what you are willing to accept.

You already know the answer, and I already know you are battling your heart right now too.

So the last advice I have is: think with your brain


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If you two aren't married and don't have children together, I'm a little puzzled as to why you're sticking around for this. Your guy is lazy and selfish in bed, has a lower sex drive than you that he isn't interested in improving, and ignores you all the time in favor of Facebook. This is not a man who really wants to be in a grown up relationship with a woman. 

What are you getting out of this relationship besides the ease of not having to think about finding a new one?


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

No we are not married. 

Yes I think he's addicted to Facebook. Wouldn't you consider logging in and checking your Facebook 9 times in 47 mins addicted? I don't understand it. 

When I used to initiate sex in the evenings or at bedtime, he's respond has always been "I'm tired". Or, he'd make promises for tomorrow, or in the morning, or really any other time than right then. But those promises never were kept. The last time he promised I told him to never promise me we'd have a romantic sexual time later, because he'd never in 3 years ever followed through on it. He sighed and said he couldn't help that he was tired, and did I really want him to do something he didn't feel like doing, because then it just became a chore.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Trudy Abby said:


> No we are not married.
> 
> Yes I think he's addicted to Facebook. Wouldn't you consider logging in and checking your Facebook 9 times in 47 mins addicted? I don't understand it.
> 
> When I used to initiate sex in the evenings or at bedtime, he's respond has always been "I'm tired". Or, he'd make promises for tomorrow, or in the morning, or really any other time than right then. But those promises never were kept. The last time he promised I told him to never promise me we'd have a romantic sexual time later, because he'd never in 3 years ever followed through on it. He sighed and said he couldn't help that he was tired, and did I really want him to do something he didn't feel like doing, because then it just became a chore.


Well this this a good thing.. in a sense.

Look I am of firm belief in living together prior to marriage for just this kind of reason. This is who he is and this WILL NOT change. You can undo this relationship and move on. You're not a good match. Just glad you don't have to go thought any court nonsense.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I feel like it's my responsibility to sexually please my partner. I expect the same in return. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so.

As long as it doesn't involve anything illegal or any other person or animal, I'm open for trying it at least once, but probably more!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Trudy Abby said:


> I feel like it's my responsibility to sexually please my partner. I expect the same in return. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so.
> 
> As long as it doesn't involve anything illegal or any other person or animal, I'm open for trying it at least once, but probably more!


Nope that's how a good healthy relationship should be. Both parties feeling fulfilled on different levels. Find someone who will. I promise it's worth it


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well this this a good thing.. in a sense.
> 
> Look I am of firm belief in living together prior to marriage for just this kind of reason. This is who he is and this WILL NOT change. You can undo this relationship and move on. You're not a good match. Just glad you don't have to go thought any court nonsense.


:iagree:

I also recommend living together prior to marriage


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What is he hiding on Facebook? He constantly logs in and out from his phone? My Facebook on my phone is always logged in. 

He logs in, sends a PM, deletes convo, logs out. Rinse and repeat 9 times.

Not married? Run away. He's interested in someone or something else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

You know how people say things like "you can do better"?

You can do better!

He may be a great guy in other aspects, but if you're not a match (or even close, in your case) in THIS aspect, it's not meant to be.

A lot of women don't see things the way you do when it comes to pleasing their partner, and how it's something each person should do in a relationship. It's not rare, but it's not common, either.

So take that healthy attitude towards sex, and find someone who appreciates it so you're not being wasted.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> I feel like it's my responsibility to sexually please my partner. I expect the same in return. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so.
> 
> As long as it doesn't involve anything illegal or any other person or animal, I'm open for trying it at least once, but probably more!


Too damn right its your responsibility to sexually please your partner....and if you were married even more so.

Just as it is HIS responsibility to please YOU sexually.

It seems you are not sexually compatible. It won't work.

This is exactly why I also agree with living with somoene, sex etc before tieing the knot.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> What is he hiding on Facebook? He constantly logs in and out from his phone? My Facebook on my phone is always logged in.
> 
> He logs in, sends a PM, deletes convo, logs out. Rinse and repeat 9 times.
> 
> ...


No, his phone keeps him logged into Facebook. He's just constantly opens the app, scrolling, reading, scrolling, reading. He never types anything, ever. We have a tablet that he has his Facebook account set up on. For some reason, it's always logged into his account, but he hasn't used the tablet in at least a year. I've been in there snooping (yep, I was wondering about private messages). Nothing in his history that was odd. And I can access his facebook anytime, so I really don't think that's the case, but I definitely see why you would think so.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Trudy Abby said:


> No, his phone keeps him logged into Facebook. He's just constantly opens the app, scrolling, reading, scrolling, reading. He never types anything, ever. We have a tablet that he has his Facebook account set up on. For some reason, it's always logged into his account, but he hasn't used the tablet in at least a year. I've been in there snooping (yep, I was wondering about private messages). Nothing in his history that was odd. And I can access his facebook anytime, so I really don't think that's the case, but I definitely see why you would think so.


Ok good. I thought he actually logged out of Facebook, which is a sign he is hiding something.

Is he depressed? Something else going on in his life? Stress at work? Family? Health issues ruled out? Last time I was too tired for sex was after having sex 4 times that night.

You aren't married, if he has problems it isn't necessarily your job to stick around to find out, that is up to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Trudy Abby said:


> No, his phone keeps him logged into Facebook. He's just constantly opens the app, scrolling, reading, scrolling, reading. He never types anything, ever. We have a tablet that he has his Facebook account set up on. For some reason, it's always logged into his account, but he hasn't used the tablet in at least a year. I've been in there snooping (yep, I was wondering about private messages). Nothing in his history that was odd. And I can access his facebook anytime, so I really don't think that's the case, but I definitely see why you would think so.


So he is a man with an addiction of a teenage boy?


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I guess so DoF. 

PHillyGuy - He hates his job, it's physically demanding at times, but there is no mental stress. No health issues. 

I need to have a talk (again) with him about the lack of passion and sex, but I'm not sure if it will do any good, and it certainly won't do any good if I can't clearly communicate my issues. I don't want to get his defenses up, then he won't hear anything I say. But I don't know how to say the lack of sex is ruining our relationship, and not get his defenses up. I know he will say..."but it's just that i'm tired, baby. I love you..."etc etc. He's been tired for years.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So besides causing you financial issues, he also is causing issues sexually, as well as being addicted to social media?

Honey, you can do better. Your actions in your financial thread had enablement written all over them. By tolerating his behaviour here, you're doing the same thing. You need to start standing up for your needs in your relationship. And if he's not the guy to meet those needs, what's the point to keeping him around?

Your guy might be suffering from low testosterone, depression, something like that. But as long as he doesn't need to address the symptoms (because you accept his behaviour), things aren't going to improve.

Good luck! 

C


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

PBear - Thank you. You are so right. 

Sometimes when you are in the forest, you can't see the trees until a bear comes along.

:allhail:


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I just texted him and made dinner plans at the lovely little mexican place near our house. I told him we could use a couple hours away from home and it would give us an opportunity to discuss some issues.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I just hope you find it easy to talk to him about these issues. I'm finding it practically impossible to talk about the lack of sex in our marriage again. We've discussed it several times already and it always ends up with him admitting that sex just never crosses his mind, but assuring me that he does love me and does want me. We then have sex and then the whole cycle starts all over again. I'd like us to be able to have sex without it involving weeks of me being frustrated until I get to the point where I practically explode and we have the argument about it. I'm not sure how to get past this stage. I find it very difficult to talk to him about it and it seems that I need to have this lack of sex discussion in order for us to have sex. So far, I'm managing to go 6 to 8 weeks every time before it really gets to me. The way I'm feeling at the moment is that I just don't see the point in doing this any more - I want us to be able to have sex without me having to practically force him into it. It's now reached a stage that our relationship is so platonic that having sex is starting to seem weird and inappropriate.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Hey Truly Abby, how are things now? I found your thread and gasped at how similar our situations are, except that I'm married to him!


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

doobie said:


> I just hope you find it easy to talk to him about these issues. I'm finding it practically impossible to talk about the lack of sex in our marriage again. We've discussed it several times already and it always ends up with him admitting that sex just never crosses his mind, but assuring me that he does love me and does want me. We then have sex and then the whole cycle starts all over again. I'd like us to be able to have sex without it involving weeks of me being frustrated until I get to the point where I practically explode and we have the argument about it. I'm not sure how to get past this stage. I find it very difficult to talk to him about it and it seems that I need to have this lack of sex discussion in order for us to have sex. So far, I'm managing to go 6 to 8 weeks every time before it really gets to me. The way I'm feeling at the moment is that I just don't see the point in doing this any more - I want us to be able to have sex without me having to practically force him into it. It's now reached a stage that our relationship is so platonic that having sex is starting to seem weird and inappropriate.


Exactly! You put it perfectly into words, what I couldn't describe. It IS a cycle.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is a conflict avoider, and will run or deflect issues. You can only level consequences to see if he changes or not. You can't make him change, but you sure can set a line in the sand and don't let him cross it. With the facebook thing, it sounds like he is living through others instead of doing it himself. He is a voyeur spying on the lives of others instead of living his own. Pretty much is main issue is laziness and putting effort into anything. Life is hard, so he escapes into others, sex is work, so he puts in minimal effort, he hates his job, but he does nothing to improve himself.

If you really want to find out if he wants this relationship enough to work for it, you may have to leave him. It will show you early his commitment. You should do it before the tank runs empty. Once your tank is dry, your pretty much too detach and full of resentment to work on it.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

I hope your talk goes well! 

The Facebook thing, although it's odd I think it's harmless (since he's not talking to someone). He just needs to know that when you're talking to him he needs to look up at you and listen, put his phone down for a moment. If he can't even manage to do that, then he's lazy beyond words and not worth another moment of your time.


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