# Rules To A Successful Separation???



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I have been on TAM for about 3 months now. I had an EA which turned to a PA on my husband of 7 months. We have been together/lived together for almost 5 years. I have just recently cut off connection with the OM so I can get my head screwed on straight to focus on my H and myself. 

I moved out of our house 3 days ago rent free with a friend while we figure out our situation. She doesn't want me to be pay rent whatsoever. I tried. 

My feelings are still so raw from everything I have done because the affair was so recent and the fact that it took me so long to realize I have to commit to NC with OM. I was completely addicted. At this point, I can't honestly look my H in the eyes and tell him I am ready for true reconciliation because of the way I am feeling. I ultimately gave my heart to another man. However, I am willing to work on a process of healing for him, myself, and our family while maintaining NC with the OM so that we can see if there is any hope. We will also continue to see a marriage counselor as well as seeing her for individual counseling as well.

What I am trying to ask is….. Are there any specific rules or guidelines that anyone here has used to help with a separation? 

The reason I ask is because although I have moved out and actually been out of the house for 3 weeks at my Dad’s before this; we still have no space. My H calls me hourly at work and wants to hang out every night only to cry together and talk about everything all over again. I know this is not helping either of us and I feel like we need some space to gather our own thoughts and not always lean on each other. I feel like we both have some growing up to do and we both need to work on ourselves. I turned to the OM to cope and he turned to pills. We both continued to do everything wrong when saying we were working on things. 

Any good websites or lists that have helped with this subject?


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I was hoping to see stickies in this forum but no such luck.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Try the book, Should I stay or go? How Controlled Separation saved our marriage by Lee Raffel, MSW. Very good book with clear instructions and scenarios in how to get a constructive separation going.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You don't need separation, you don't need a book and your husband doesn't need pills.

You cheated on him, you gave your heart to another man, you're not interested in reconciling, and yet your husband calls you every hour and hangs out every night with you while you both cry together?

He needs to grow a set and stop contacting you except to update you on the status of the divorce.

I do understand why you left him, he isn't exactly the "strong protective type".


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

There is no such thing as a successful separation. Either work toward R or D, separation is limbo and for a BS that is hell. He needs to man up and kick you to the curb since you are not in a place to move toward R.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Separations are just practice fir divorcing. They offter the fantasy of doing something forthe marriage while untruth they just give people time to learn to be without the other person, and in many cases a chance to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It should actually be called "cheateration".


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We wee separated for 3 months. It was successful for our situation. We reconciled, but there was no cheating, so i can't really help you. Cheating brings in so much more pain and resentment and anger. It can last forever, even if you want to forget it. Your husband's spirit was basically murdered. It's hard to rebuild after that.


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