# I have a problem... I dont want to do this anymore!!



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Well, if you all know my "story" then you will follow me on this. If you do not, please read up on it all.. 

Ok so I just really can not go thru this anymore, I do feel that you all are correct and It is FALSE R...

He isnt the same man I married, he is just down right mean now.And I am tired of the flip-flop in his emotions or attitude. If I cry one more tear I am going to drain the rivers.. 

He just changes, at times he seems to be loving, then just like that he is hatefull and mean. He doesnt physically hurt me but his words are like punches.. HE CHEATED and I am paying the price. thats what it feels like. 

So here is what is going on. So its been 2 years since d-day number one.... Last contact was OCT 2011. The OW has now married the father of her baby, which durint the affair, she was pg. Her bf was in another country so I had to go thru the torment of thinking the child belonged to my husband.. It did not.. But the A continued thru the pg, and up till the child was 1. 

So at first my H seemed be really wanting to get thru all this, he showed love and affection. NOW day by day it seems to be getting worse. I tried to talk to him but he gets mad saying Im bringing it all up. NO, I tried to explain to him that the day I walked in and caught him is the day all affection he had toward me stopped and its getting worse. He blows up of-course telling me I am the cause, I wont let it go, I have hate in my heart.. etc.. 

I tell him that he has Hate toward me, and thats how it feels. The was he talks to me.. ONLY when he is wanting to yell or complain about somthing. I am tired of being treated like this. If this is R after and A I dont want to. When I told him, You show nothing but hate toward me, you dont show love to me at all anymore. You yell at me all the time, everyday you are mad. I dont know why either. I said, YOU SEEM TO HATE ME. He didnt reply he just looked at the TV... I continued. I didnt cause the problems in our marriage I didnt cheat, you did. And I am paying the price for it everyday of my life for it. You treat me worse than a dog, you dont act like you love me. We need to start showing love and respect for one another again. I try but you igore me or start yelling at me.. O sure when he leaves the house he tells me he loves me but THAT IS IT. NOTHING ELSE. No hugs, kisses.. affection nothing. 

Yes, the girl got married, yes it the anniversay month of there beginng the affair. But he should already had let that go, moved on to and focused on our marriage. I dont mean to ramble. I am just tired and now I think I gotta move on. I just dont know how.. I am affraid his new hatefull self is who he is now, long gone my loving husband..

So first I have no job, the company closed I worked for and I am having NO LUCK to land another one.. I am just tired of it all....

What to do????


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I've followed your posts for a few months now. The trend in them has always been the same. You were getting progressively more unhappy and resentful. I'm always in favor of R, but like I mentioned in several of your other threads, true R takes two willing participants. I think its time you went to see an attorney to figure out what your rights and responsibilities would be in a divorce. Why subject yourself to all this?

BTW you never followed up on the post you made about finding an e-mail address in his phone that you did not know about. What happened with that?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I think so to... like today.. He is Fine happy, and actually being a caring husband.. BUT that can change quickly.. and I just cant go thru it emotionally anymore.. I do not know what could possibly make a person act like this... I wish I did know, or at least have some explanationa as to WHY???

And the email address was a dead in. I could not get into it, I never told him I know, I dont want the account to up and dissapear just in case I ever do get into it, and it could hold information.. Im not going to do as before and help the underground....

But attoneys cost money, as I said right now there is none, No job and none I can land.. Its so stressful.. Im just stuck.. and the UP-DOWN moods he has only feeds mine.... but I am getting more down because I just dont know why he has this issues. And another thing, it has gotten to the point that Like today he is fine happy even, so I dont take a chance to ask a thing because I dont want the mood to turn ugly or mean.. I try to relax during this time and Pray that it last.. or at least give me a break from it for awhile.. Sad I know, but thats were it is... once its over then I am down because the happy mood is gone and I gotta deal with the He** only thinking well how long this time.....

I mean has anyone out there ever dealt with this, after an affair, if so PLEASE help me to understand...


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Its hard to say, no one here knows you personally and spends time with you on a day to day basis. If I was going to wager a guess, I would say that your H resented you for bursting his affair fantasy bubble. It also sounds to me like you never fully got what you needed from your H to let go and move forward with a new relationship. The longer things continued that way, the more you needed what he was unwilling to give you. He is at a point where he wants to put it behind him, probably for all the wrong reasons, and without really learning from or understanding the affair. I would highly recommend you go and speak to an individual counselor that specializes in infidelity. It may not help your current situation, but it might help you when you choose to move forward with your life and heal from all this without his (your DH) help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Paladin said:


> Its hard to say, no one here knows you personally and spends time with you on a day to day basis. If I was going to wager a guess, I would say that your H resented you for bursting his affair fantasy bubble. It also sounds to me like you never fully got what you needed from your H to let go and move forward with a new relationship. The longer things continued that way, the more you needed what he was unwilling to give you. He is at a point where he wants to put it behind him, probably for all the wrong reasons, and without really learning from or understanding the affair. I would highly recommend you go and speak to an individual counselor that specializes in infidelity. It may not help your current situation, but it might help you when you choose to move forward with your life and heal from all this without his (your DH) help.


You thought H was father of the child. Perhaps H thought he was, too?


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

Ok let me see if I understand this, he had the affair and your doing all the work, is this a correct statement? If so WTF are you doing, IMO there
Is no R on his part what's so ever and I think if the OW gave him the time of day he'd forget all about you. Sorry if this seems mean but my dear you need IC big time and a back bone. If he was the least bit remorseful he'd be kissing you ass everyday to try to correct the damage he caused. Ask yourself this, Why should he live you when you certainly don't love yourself. Only you can decide how others treat you, would you let a stranger walk all over you and treat you like crap, mostly likely no so why allow you WH to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

So just an update.. I am looking for a job.. That is the first step, I have to land a job so I can support myself. Do I plan on leaving. YEP.. I dont know how long it is going to take me but at this point I have decided I cant live like this.. It may take me some time to get to the point were I can leave but at least as of now I have a plan. Which is better than LIMBO statues.. 

I think to myself that if he truley loved me that he will change. Well all I can say is that he better do it and start showing me some love or emotions or somthing, because all though he doesnt KNOW IT, he is on a time clock now.. It is going to take BIG change for me to want to stay, at this point I dont know if he can or will.. 

So thats were I am at right now, his time will continue because as of now NO job YET but I will have sooner or later.. I have no intentions of telling him what my plans are, I do not want FAKE remorse or LOVE to get me to stay, so I am not going to tell him anything. IF by some chance he does change then I will Know it is for real and there might be a chance for us then. But if he doesnt, well I am working on a way out...


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I'm sorry you're dealing with an unremorseful WS. R is hard enough when they show some remorse, I understand that all too well but when the affection and love is missing, I can only imagine how painful that must be. He's being very selfish.

Good luck with your job search.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Quick up-date. I may have a job. I will know more tommorrow!! 

There is a great since of relief about this. But then again there is a part that is kinda sad to. Once I start the job, he doesn't even know that the clock has started. He will either begin to have a real R with me and stop all the non sense or I will be building my escape root!!!

And NO I will not tell him. Hey buddy I got a job I am getting me a fall back cushion just in case you dont start trying with me. TRUELY trying. So I would suggest you give this a real effort or I am gone. NO way, everything I am doing is being done without his Knowledge. Not the job of course but the true reasons of why I NEED to go back to work. 

The ball will be in his court its up to him to win the game. I wont cheat for him and give him the pointers to win. I will let it play out as it should. 

Am I wrong with this choice I made????


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are completely right. The ball was in his court since DDay. HE's failing the bare minimum tests.

Sending mojo your way!!.


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and you have my sympathy.

Does your choice feel wrong to you? Because that's all that matters here. Only you know how he makes you feel and whether or not that's okay with you. You seem to be saying pretty clearly that no, it's not okay. You know what to do in your heart.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

freckleface said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this, and you have my sympathy.
> 
> Does your choice feel wrong to you? Because that's all that matters here. Only you know how he makes you feel and whether or not that's okay with you. You seem to be saying pretty clearly that no, it's not okay. You know what to do in your heart.


With my choice to get job and get my life straight. NOPE I know thats the right choice. To not tell him about my plans and see if that straightns him out. Im not sure what to do on that one. Whats the right choice. Do I tell him and see if that gives him a wake up call. Or just keep quit and see if he continues the path his on?


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

Well, why tell him? What do you think that will accomplish? Do you really feel it'll snap him into place? Or do you think you're giving him yet another fitness test that he's just going to fail?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I was just grasping at straws I guess. One last HOPE of reason maybe?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is hie projecting his guilt onto you? What I call Nearest Human Syndrome?

"I feel bad. Therefore it must be the fault of... someone. But who? Can't be me! It must be the Nearest Human! Why... that's my spouse!"


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Absolutely nothing wrong with having a job and resources available. If nothing else it will give you a chance to focus on yourself and your needs.
Don't tell him why, it doesn't matter and using it as a tool to change his behavior won't work. It may however change YOUR behavior and that is the better goal isn't it?


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> I was just grasping at straws I guess. One last HOPE of reason maybe?


I can relate. I'm not very hopeful myself right now - so please keep that in mind with anything I'm saying. I'm a BS trying to figure out how to muddle through my own problems, so I'm not exactly unbiased.

But to me it sounds like you're setting yourself up for more disappointment, and allowing yourself to put another point of focus on him.

You need to be about you right now, your job, and what is going to be good for you going forward. I'm not saying be a jerk to him or anything - but stand up for yourself. Remove yourself from the crap he's giving you if he starts in, and do what you need to do to keep yourself sane. You don't have to lose hope, but don't set yourself up for more disappointment. It sounds like your WH has that base completely covered without your help, unfortunately.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Is hie projecting his guilt onto you? What I call Nearest Human Syndrome?
> 
> "I feel bad. Therefore it must be the fault of... someone. But who? Can't be me! It must be the Nearest Human! Why... that's my spouse!"


At the start of it all Yes he was, Now it is more like I dont exsit!! Like I am just here and thats it... I need to feel wanted, loved, desired, respected, and like a women... or human for that matter. And that is the part I can not take.. He was WILD for me for years, then the A and it all has changed... I just feel that he has lost all intrest in me as a wife, freind or person... And that hurts more than the affair..


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

LastUnicorn said:


> Absolutely nothing wrong with having a job and resources available. If nothing else it will give you a chance to focus on yourself and your needs.
> Don't tell him why, it doesn't matter and using it as a tool to change his behavior won't work. It may however change YOUR behavior and that is the better goal isn't it?


Thank you, that is WHAT I needed to hear.. You are 100% correct.. These words you wrote just made it all click for me. I have no need to torment myself about the descion.. IT IS my BEHAVIOR I should be concerned about. His is up to him, it has nothing to do with and ultimaium, that wont change nothing. BUT I CAN AND WILL change mine and having a goal in life is somthing I havnt had in a long time, you have no idea how much this helped me.. A GOAL IN LIFE, Wow that is music to my heart!!!! I kinda feel PROUD of myself, I havnt felt that in a LONG time either.. :smthumbup:


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> He is Fine happy, and actually being a caring husband.. BUT that can change quickly.. and I just cant go thru it emotionally anymore.. I do not know what could possibly make a person act like this... *I wish I did know, or at least have some explanation as to WHY???*


JustTired, you've had the explanation for nearly a year. As you said in your 10/26/11 post, your H was diagnosed last year as having full blown BPD. The behavior you are describing, then, is typical of BPDers. They alternate between loving you and hating you and, in just 10 seconds, a minor thing you do or say can easily trigger a BPDer to flip from one polar extreme to the other. This occurs because BPDers are emotionally unstable.


> The UP-DOWN moods he has only feeds mine.... but I am getting more down because *I just dont know why he has this issues*.


Again, he has these issues because -- as you said last October -- he suffers from BPD. Even so, it is important that you hold him fully responsible for his own bad behavior. That is, you should allow him to suffer the logical consequences of his own actions. That's why the best selling BPD book (targeted to abused spouses like you) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ If you continue walking on eggshells, you will continue being an "enabler" in a toxic relationship. If you would like to read more about this, please see my three posts in Maybe's thread. They start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks Uptown, I am going to read it.. The thing is that it SEEMS that his moods/attitude has gotten worse after his affair! I truely feel it has.. And I dont know everything or much at all about the disorder!! So he has the disorder, but really how does it seem WORSE after his affair.. Does it make a person UNCARING.. ONLY after an Affair!

And I did admit I really do not Know much about the illness!! Like you said I have been to busy "walking on egg shells" its been that long almost a year and I am still no closer to happiness than I was then.. Its been 2+ since the first D-day almost 1 since the last D-day.. and this as far as I have gotten... So are you saying that before I make any decisions I NEED to educate myself about his illness?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

"JustTired, you've had the explanation for nearly a year. As you said in your 10/26/11 post, your H was diagnosed last year as having full blown BPD. The behavior you are describing, then, is typical of BPDers. They alternate between loving you and hating you and, in just 10 seconds, a minor thing you do or say can easily trigger a BPDer to flip from one polar extreme to the other. This occurs because BPDers are emotionally unstable."


You are describing him Like you KNOW him personally your discription IS HIM... I guess I do need to educate myself before I make any final descisions..


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

" These include the verbal abuse, temper tantrums, inappropriate anger, lack of impulse control, constant blaming, always being "the victim," black-white thinking, and a cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. "

He does all of this!!! 

Only ALOT WORSE after his Affair.. Do you know if that is possible? Can somthing like an Affair worsen BBD?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I think I've given you this link before, but in case I have not, check this site out:

Out of the FOG - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

It is a very valuable resource


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I havnt even gotten through your entire first post and I have tears running down my cheeks. How can this be.. This is him.. 

What do I do? How am I to cope? How could I have just not known that his BPD had became HIM.. And that is how I feel now, IT HAS BECAME WHO HE IS!! This thing, this monster, this destruction has became HIM.. 

Worsened after his affair, Actually worsened AFTER I CAUGHT HIM.. The Day I caught him I have sain MANY MANY MANY times that is the Exact moment His actions TOWARD me Worsened I have told him this.. Is this even Possiable????

Example, if he misplaces somthing, he put somthing somewhere and he forgot where he put it, he get angry with me. I will go were he put it pick it up hand it to him and he will say. THAT ISNT WHERE IT GOES, I will say but you put it there not me, He says IT DOESNT GO THERE.. I think you move my stuff just to torment me to make me mad... He knows I didnt do it, He did it, but he blames me anyways............ even if he left something in his own pants pocket that he was wearing, he took off his pants didnt take his wallet out for instance, he will go off because he cant find it. I go get his pant hand them to him and say you left it in your pants pocket. Guess what.. I DID IT... I move/hide/misplace his stuff JUST TO MAKE HIM MADE!!! 

And it seems Like I am being treated like I am the one who cheated. He is becoming Controlling and treating me the way I should be treating him. Does that make since? It is like some how he has turned the table around on me... Like I am the WS and He is the BS. I have made comments about this to.. IT feels like He has somehow managed to make me the cheating spouse!! Im not even streching this at all.. All the actions or emotion I should be having or going threw He ishaving or going through.. 

Its like somehow he has switched the rolls on us... He now being the BS I now being the WS..... Tell me how this is????


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Paladin said:


> I think I've given you this link before, but in case I have not, check this site out:
> 
> Out of the FOG - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
> 
> It is a very valuable resource


No I dont think you have, But THANK YOU... Please read through my post I just posted.. And see what you think.. 

And I know this is asking alot but PLease keep posting to me and giving me the information. 

I am emotional right now.because I honestly didnt think that it had anything to do with his BBD NOT THIS MUCH OF IT. BUT this has been sheading light on my situation... Thank you... Thank You thank you !!!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I need to take a Breath and just think for a few.. This is more than I was prepared for.. 

I will be back.. I just need to think..

Please keep posting to me.... I thank you very much...


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Its kind of hard to sum it all up, it is a very vast subject, but in general, what you describe is typical behavior for anyone suffering from the disorder. When someone with BPD is challenged in any way, especially a threatening way, or a way that forces them to face parts of themselves that they want to hide from, they "escalate" their behavior to compensate. Typically they become combative and manipulative. Again, this is a very broad brushed response to a vast topic. You may consider bringing this up in individual counseling.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I have been reading most the remainder of the night after you all gave me the links.. Thank you they are very informative. And quit shocking.... Alot of it does relate to him.... 

And this I found interesting about myself, or at least it sounds like what I have been doing, after the Affair. Thinking it was the fog, the withdrawls, or the multiple other after the affair roller coaster emotions. Always trying to figure it all out. BLAMING the affair. So I guess I am a HOOVER.. Now I am all confused again, blame his BPD or the affair I have no idea!! I NEED HELP!!! I thought I had it all figured out, was set on my plan in my above posts. Now what!! So I am a hoover?????? Below is a copy and past of the definition of Hoover!! Opnions are needed. Please!!



_Hoovering feels good! And that's the point! When you are being hoovered, your buttons are all getting pushed, your feelings are getting validated, your needs are being met, your wildest dreams are coming true, your opinions matter, you are the most important person in the world to that certain person.

Hoovering often feels like vindication. You might find yourself thinking “Finally! The message is getting through! I’m not crazy after all! Now THAT is what I’m talking about!” But watch out...

When you are starving for any emotional food, just about any kind of personal validation tastes wonderful, but you must remember that not everything that tastes delicious is nutritious. 

Manipulative abusers are often adept at giving their victims enough of what they want to keep them where they want them. Even slave owners know that they have to feed them enough to keep them healthy and productive.

But how do I know if a hoover is 'real"?

Many Non-personality disordered people struggle with trying to tell whether a hoover really is a hoover, or if it is a sincere attempt at change by the personality-disordered person whom they care about. 

The mistake in that logic is that it assumes that it can't be both. Many abusers and personality-disordered people really are sincere and really are trying when they also are hoovering. People who are hoovering you may not be consciously trying to manipulate you or deceive you. They may sincerely be trying, even hoping, to make it "better this time". They may not be consciously lying when they make promises of change and put them into practice. They may be so convincing because they are so convinced.

You are going to have to be like the adult in a parent-child relationship, who listens to their child's black-and-white promises of great expectations or of "I'll never talk to him/her again" and says "Hmm, we'll wait and see".

If you're not sure if you're being hoovered you should wait and see. Take the long-term view. A person's character is like an average of their behaviors over their lifetime. People can and do make positive changes in their lives sometimes, deciding to change their behavior for the better. Wait a year and see. _

Have more reading to do on this subject, it has and is going to be an even longer night... Anyone have any ideas now!!!

Keep in mind that the entire time after the affair I have been going by the whole sceniro of what is expected out of your spouse. Meaning the roller coster of emotion, the affair fog, the withdrawl stage. I have been waiting for it all to pass, struggling with the ups-and-downs..... that affair cause.. now learning that it MAY have to do with BPD... what in the world am i up against


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Maybe I'm cynical but part of his behavior may be firmly entrenched in the 'lets drive my spouse insane' lane. Sounds to me like he is still hung up on the ow and not only blaming you on taking away his plaything, actively not attempting a recovery, and shifting blame of all of life's little miseries onto you. 
You said he's completely changed from that loving husband he used to be. Look at that person as honestly as you can. Was that person forgetful and lose his things all the time? Was he hateful and derogatory to you? Compare the two analytically. Is the difference night and day?

He's flipped the rolls on the relationship driving you to feel the need to help him, to fix him. Putting all the responsibility on you. Upping the ante with 'make her crazy behavior' further mucking up the waters, so here you are trying to make him happy, to fix this. Honey he has no interest in fixing this. Don't fall into that trap.

Do what you have to do to take care of you. Disassociate. Find things and activities to make you happy. And the next time he loses something don't say anything. Not your job to keep up with his crap. If he pushes the issue sweetly suggest that a pocket notebook might be helpful, he can jot down all the things he has lost - including you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> This thing, this monster, this destruction has became HIM.


JustTired, no, you are not married to a "monster." It would be far closer to the truth to say you are married to a four-year-old boy. But not just ANY four-year-old boy. Rather, one who has the intelligence, knowledge, cunning, and body strength of a full grown man. If he is a BPDer, he also has enormous anger inside that he's been carrying since early childhood. 

On top of that, his perceptions of your intentions and motivations are distorted by his intense feelings, which arise from his inability to regulate his emotions. The result is that, just like a four year old, your BPDer H will flip back and forth between loving you and hating you. That's why you are seeing temper tantrums and are finding it impossible to have a calm rational discussion with him on any sensitive matter.

Although the cause of BPD is not known to a certainty, the general belief is that -- due to a combination of genetics and environment -- the BPDer experienced a trauma (before age 5) that froze his emotional development, preventing him from ever developing the more mature ego defenses. 

This means that your husband relies heavily on the primitive ego defenses (e.g., projection, black-white thinking, and denial) that are available to young children.


> Now I am all confused again, blame his BPD or the affair I have no idea!! I NEED HELP!!!


No, you must blame HIM for his bad choices and hurtful actions. Having BPD does not give him a free pass on treating people abusively. Importantly, a BPDer can control his behavior when he wants to. If you doubt that, simply call the police the next time he is throwing a hissy fit or temper tantrum. As soon as there is a knock on the front door, you will see him transform -- in ten seconds -- into the calmest, most rational person you've ever seen.

Indeed, for his own emotional health, it is important that you hold him fully responsible for his own actions. This means you should allow him to suffer the logical consequences of his own bad behavior. Hence, by walking on eggshells to avoid triggering him, you've not only harmed yourself but you also have been harming him -- by destroying his opportunity to have to confront his issues and learn how to manage them.


> I am being treated like I am the one who cheated. He is becoming Controlling and treating me the way I should be treating him. Does that make sense? ...Tell me how this is?


Yes, that is exactly how it is when you try to live with a BPDer. If your H has strong BPD traits, he has a false self image of always being "The Victim." Because he has such a fragile, unstable sense of who he really is, he will keep a death grip on that false self image. He therefore relies heavily on you to "validate" that false image. That is, for him to be "The Victim," you must always be "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of every misfortune or shortcoming. 

Moreover, because that distorted way of thinking occurs at the subconscious level, he usually will be absolutely convinced that the nonsense coming out of his mouth is true. In addition, he also will lie if cornered (rather than admitting he did something wrong). My BPDer exW did the same thing. I quickly realized that I would drive myself crazy if I kept trying to tease apart all of the lies from the projections.


> So I am a hoover?


No, your BPDer H is "the hoover." The push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle is a hallmark of BPDers. During the pull-you-back phase of the cycle, their love bombing creates such a powerful force -- sucking you back into the toxic relationship -- that ex-partners have given it a name: "hoovering." It is named, of course, after the popular vacuum cleaner.


> I thought I had it all figured out, was set on my plan in my above posts. Now what!!


I believe you will find that the BPD information does not change your plans about leaving him but, rather, will greatly reduce your confusion and feelings of guilt when you do. That is, it will give you an understanding of why all your efforts to save the marriage were doomed to fail. If your H is a BPDer, he is the only person who can fix himself. Sadly, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

It makes alot more sense now after doing some reading on the subject.

I havnt slept much, I got glued to reading, so if some of my points are off well I am so tired.

But you are making tons of sense to me, and the part about wondering if I was the hoover, well it is many years of defending or taking blame for his actions.. It kinda just starts to feel like it is me. 


Also, the denial, that is him.. One of my favorite replies to him, even about the affair, is you are trying to conveince me that my own eye balls lie to me.. and it sure feels that why. He wants me to beleive that even my own eyes are deceiving me..

I am going to read some more today. I got alot of information I need to know about. Thank you!!!!

I do think that you are correct that I should stick with my origianal plan. But it seems like when I am reading your replies, its like well you have meet and know my Husband personaly.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> I am going to read some more today. I got alot of information I need to know about.


JustTired, if you think you may stay with your H a while, I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book that Pidge and Arnold encouraged you to read last October. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ Both books are written by the same author.

Second, the _Out-of-the-Fog _website that Paladin recommends (post #24 above) is an excellent resource for BPD information. I also suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the "Leaving" board.

Third, while you are at Out-of-the-Fog or BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources sections. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Take care, JustTired.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I have and will continue reading the the infomation in the links provided, There is alot.. I mean ALOT of valuable information. And I dont feel comfortable joining the groups just yet. I am LURKING on there sites. And I honestly need to pick up both books. I am in a split statues right now...

And for Tam, this is my support group.. Even though he is BPD, he still had an Affair. And that is why I need my TAM!!! 

You all know what I have been though, also know the journy yet ahead of me. This place is for Me. I am not BPD, all though he can sure make me feel like it is.. The point is, I am not and I need the advice and guidance of others who know my situation and the long road I face. This place this TAM is all ABOUT ME!! Somthing I really need. 

Thank you so much for your help!!!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Just wanted to let everyone know whats been going on.. Well his time clock has started!! And by that I mean I have found a Job, so I do realize that it is going to take me awhile before I am finacely stable enough to hold my own, but at least I am on the path now!! I have never been more determined to get on my own feet and become independent. I have never in my life been I have been married since I was just a child myself.. Yeah I have been alone during his A and our seperation, but this time it feels diffrent. I am not affraid, or confused. I am determined.

It is still going to be time, time to just get steady, but I know I can do it. I have no idea how long, maybe months or more but the point is I feel so much more relaxed just knowing I have begin somthing that may be my only saving grace.

Do I wish that he would do an about face, sure, am I counting on it anymore. NOPE.. I guess time will tell!!

I am trying to learn more about his BPD I have not forgotten about that huge issue, but I also have not forgotten that my life is important also!!

I will be back to update as time goes by, we will see how he progresses!! But the important thing is THAT I AM PROGRESSING..

Thank you all for being there with me thru all this!!


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

i am proud of you!i support you with your plan!best of luck!xxx


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I am also at the end, though I have said this before, and meant it, this time feels different. I have been detaching myself these last weeks, though we had a talk the other week, which is few and far between, almost never, due to his anger, defensiveness and inability to be open. That talk made me reattach a little, but I found out a few days ago he has outright lied (not a major one, but important nevertheless) to me. Again. I haven't confronted him yet, but he has also been distant/slightly colder to me since then which triggers me terribly as they were the signs of each meeting with the OW. But he won't allow me to talk anymore which is the reason for my detaching in preparation for the end. I told him anymore lies it will be over. And now I am ready to split. I wish you plenty of luck in your quest for a stress free (only normal stress from here please  ), emotionally draining free, new life. I hope you do not waver, as I hope I do not, and I hope we don't get hoovered up again!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JustTired, thanks so much for the update. I'm so glad to hear you are continuing to make progress -- and have landed a job! I wish you the very best.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

This is very good. As soon as you're able to support yourself leave his ass and he can watch TV all he wants.

Also where is the money that you're making going to. 


I figure if you put it in the joint account theres a chance of him spending some of your money. If you put it in a separate account it'll be pretty obvious what you're planning and he may proceed to make your life even more of a hell. 

I'm not sure which is better so maybe a more veteran poster can see this and chime in. 

Whats most important though is not to lose that determination.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

The money is going on a pay card!!! Way ahead of you on this plan!!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Uptown said:


> JustTired, thanks so much for the update. I'm so glad to hear you are continuing to make progress -- and have landed a job! I wish you the very best.


Thank you, I know he has issues. But I am no help or benifit to him the way I have been. The affair caused some major damage to my self-worth. And I have to get stronger if I am ever going to be any good to anyone, I have to get back to living, being ME.. 

I do know that his BPD has alot to do with his action, and somehow it seems the affair made all the syptoms WORSE. But for me it is the Affair that destroyed me. Its hard for me to explain what I am saying. Yes I want us to survive this, end up one day very old together and saying well we survived and affair, overcame your BPD, and lived a long happy MARRIED life.. I just feel that if I do not focuse on geting myself organized or on solid ground nothing well ever get better or change. 

I guess my thoughts are, I love him, I know he has problems, I do want him to get better. But right now, well I need to heal and get better myself. I just cant except that he had an Affair and has BDP so I have to look past the obviouse things I need out of him for me to heal. Im not meaning it to sound selfish or hurtful. I do care about him, but I care about my self also. Maybe if I am healing I could help him get the help he needs.. I really dont know.

When he is "himself" I can feel the love I have toward him, but when he flips on a dime, then I just want to run.. It is a very hard choice I am making. He has medical issues I realize this, but he also cheated, I realize this. I cant blam his cheating on his BPD, he went over 20 years of marriage and didnt cheat on me, (THAT I KNOW OF) so now that he did, I think to myself, if he restrained his self for over 20 years then he could had prevented it all togther. Does that make any since? 

His charteristics during/after the affair may be enhanced due to his BPD but it is hard enough to have to deal with the affects of an affair but to deal with it along with his BPD is just way to much. I keep saying that after his affair his BPD action are worse. Like it seems that his BPD is alot worse.. 


I dont know what to do half the time. I need to become more educated on BPD. But as of now I just dont understand how he could restrain hisself from cheating for over 20 yrs (never caught him, if he did or suspected) but then boom cheat. And after the affair ended his BPD became worse.. Yeah it confusing to say the least.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> When he is "himself" I can feel the love I have toward him, but when he flips on a dime, then I just want to run.


JustTired, it is a mistake to think of your H as "being himself" when splitting you white and "not being himself" when splitting you black. He is being himself BOTH times because, in important respects, his personality is somewhat fragmented. 

If he has strong BPD traits, he is extremely uncomfortable with uncertainty, mixed feelings, and ambiguity. This is one reason that BPDers generally only allow themselves to be in touch with one set of feelings (e.g., loving you or hating you) at a time -- splitting off the other feelings from their conscious minds. And this is why they do black-white thinking so much of the time.

The result is that, if your H were ever to integrate the various aspects of his personality -- a very unlikely event -- he would not return to being the completely adoring man you see when he is splitting you white. Instead, he would be an integrated person, just like the rest of us, who experiences mixed feelings about nearly everyone and everything.


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