# SUPER jealous of wife's past



## Ken

First post here. Hello everyone!

I'm married, been with my wife for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous and I'm always thinking about her. I miss her when she isn't around (like at work).

But the thing is I just can't get over her past. Before she met me she had sex with 8 other guys, I'm her 9th. One was a threesome. She was a little wilder than she is now, obviously. I'm just so damn jealous, I don't know what to do. In 8 years I have not been able to forget about it or let it go. It drives me crazy. Every time I get intimate with her I start thinking about it and picturing in my mind her with someone else, then I get upset and jealous and don't want to finish.

Before you jump all over me, I do realize this was her past and it happened before she knew me, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. She has never cheated on me and never would. The thought of cheating just simply is not going to cross her mind, so it's not like I don't trust her or think she's going to cheat or anything like that; I know for a fact she never would. It is simply a case of being extremely jealous because other guys were inside of her, and I don't want anyone else inside there pleasuring her. I want to be able to have her all to myself, not let other guys have the pleasure of being with her, and obviously that can never happen.

She has the most kissable lips ever, and honestly, being inside of her is heaven! I just can't stand the thought of her moaning and being vocal over another man being in her. Her threesome really bothers me too, just knowing she was a little wild back then and is so conservative now makes me wonder how she can change so drastically.

We have discussed this many times at great length. It often causes arguments. I'm a jealous prick and I admit it. I wish I could forget all about it and pretend like she wasn't ever with anyone, but it just won't go away damn it.

Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.

Our relationship is awesome other than that. I treat her well, I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, buy her what she wants or needs.

Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


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## draconis

You really need to get over stuff. She was honest with you about her past, and you are using her honesty against her even though she has done you no hard. Further, haven't you been with other people too? What if she used that against you?

draconis


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## Amplexor

We are all made up of what we have experienced in the past. I assume you were not a virgin when you met your wife. Should she be jealous of your past lovers? If they mean nothing to you then why would she feel any different? As far as the size of your member, if that was what was most important to her, she wouldn’t have married you. The male ego can be pretty fragile in that area but the sexual relationship you have now is what she appears to want. Work on your self esteem. Kind of silly to beat yourself up over what you were born with and are unable to change. Appreciate the wonderful marriage and relationship you have with your wife and forget the past. Pondering on it will only detract from your relationship. Many here would kill to have the kind of marriage you seem to have. Appreciate it.


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## Ken

You are both absolutely correct, and I agree 100%.

I'm not too worried about the size of my member; it isn't small, just not super huge either - lol.

I have been with other women myself, yes, and she doesn't use it against me. I know and admit I'm in the wrong about this, but no matter what I try, I just can't shake the visualizations I get when intimate with my wife. I don't want to have to go in somewhere that I know someone else was previously - kinda grosses me out in a way, like I think it's dirty or something.

I guess I'll just go smack my head off the wall a few hundred times. If I'm lucky, I'll get amnesia and forget all about everything. Then I'll have nothing to worry about.

Thanks, folks.


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## Amplexor

Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.


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## Blanca

Ken said:


> I guess I'll just go smack my head off the wall a few hundred times. If I'm lucky, I'll get amnesia and forget all about everything. Then I'll have nothing to worry about.


lol. sometimes just not fighting the feeling you have helps. when you feel disgusted by her im sure you feel guilty and want to push the thoughts out of your head. sometiems it helps not to judge yourself, but just to experience your feelings without trying to change them. many times trying to force a feeling to go away is what causes it to become stronger.


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## draconis

Amplexor said:


> Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.



:iagree:

draconis


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## storyboardlife

draconis and Amplexor are right. Don't use her honesty to against her. It is wrong to punish to make yourself feel better. Do that enough and she will be hesitant to tell you things that you want to know. How excited would you be to hold her hand if she got on your case about you holding another girls hand in the past? 

Here's the important part. SHE CHANGED FOR YOU DUDE!!!!! You said that she is more conservative now and wouldn't dream of doing those things anymore. She probably doesn't like the fact that she lived that life and would change it if she could. In fact, she has changed it in the since that she met you and decided that you were worth the change! 

This is an issue that you are going to have to battle with yourself. She has said that she cares for you and loves you. Dude, get over the fact that you can't get over a BIOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE. Although she might have gotten PLEASURE from all of that it must not have been enough to keep her away from you. The PLEASURE that she experiences from you is more than BIOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE but one that enhances and solidifies the love and commitment that the two of you have together. MAKING LOVE, that is what you do with her isn't it. Well, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! It's communicating love thorough touch with her. People are at their most vulnerable during this time (it is with you right). Don't punish her! 

You have a family together. This will be a life lesson to your children that decisions they make will affect future relationships but you will also be able to teach them that it is never too late to change. 

If she were wishing to revisit those days again then this would be something totally different. BUT IT'S NOT.

The next time you see her do this (without hesitation):
GO HUG HER
APOLOGIZE FOR PUNISHING HER
TELL HER YOU ARE THANKFUL THAT SHE CHANGED FOR THE RELATIONSHIP
TELL HER YOU AREN'T GOING TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST 
TELL HER THAT YOU VALUE HER
TELL HER THAT TONIGHT IS ALL ABOUT HER AND YOU.


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## storyboardlife

Amplexor said:


> Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.


:iagree: that's what love is all about


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## swedish

I don't know if I speak for the 'norm' but I don't dwell on any past sexual experiences, ever. I am totally satisfied within my marriage and have no reason to. For most women, the best part about sex is feeling loved and from what it sounds like you have that fully covered with your wife.

As far as size goes, again I don't know if I'm the 'norm' but anything larger than average would frankly scare me (and I've had 3 kids!) You only have to get poked in the cervex once (again, I've had 3 kids!) to know it's not pleasurable 

Your jealousy will likely take its toll on your marriage, so I'm glad you recognize it's something you need to get past.


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## storyboardlife

swedish said:


> For most women, the best part about sex is feeling loved and from what it sounds like you have that fully covered with your wife....Your jealousy will likely take its toll on your marriage, so I'm glad you recognize it's something you need to get past.


:iagree:
Questions though. You've married for 8 years. has this always been the case. What triggered this?


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## brad

unlike the last guy who brought up this topic and whined about it you seem to have a pretty good perspective of it. You recognize it as an irrational thought and dont blame your wife for it. I think that is half the battle. At least you dont believe in those irrational thoughts.

The other half is replacing those irrational thoughts with postive ones. Keep concentrating on the positive aspects of your wife. And remember that little jealousy you have actually creates a bit of sexual tension which is not all bad.


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## dbj1971

Ken,
Think about this. Your wife gave you her heart. It sounds like with all the other past experiences, it was just physical. You have her HEART. So, your experiences with her are infinitely more meaningful than those others, since there is a foundation of love and commitment and security in the relationship. Plus, the fact that you have children, that tends to solidify the relationship as well. People do grow up and change, and it sounds like your wife did just that when you got married eight plus years ago. I would also not ask any more details about her past experiences. They don't matter now, and I'd be willing to bet that your wife NEVER thinks about them. She may be ashamed of the way she acted back then, as she sees how she has changed and matured since she married you. You won her heart, and she chose to commit her life to you. That makes all the difference. I can understand, and believe me I can feel your pain, that as a man you can't stand the thought of anyone touching her in that way. Look at it this way: when she married you, she burned all her bridges and cast her lot with you. She gave YOU the key to her heart, and vice versa. She entered in a new phase in her life, and in a sense it was a renewal. So, in spite of her past experiences and yours, you both started a new life together in which old things passed away and it all was new again.

The next time you start thinking about those bad thoughts, thinking about her past, think about this: You are her one and only, you do not compete with her past, to her you are the world's best lover and all past experiences are burned to ashes by the fiery heat of your love. Best wishes for you and your marriage. There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread. Take them to heart. I'll bet you made her feel like a virgin again when you got with her, and that she felt like she started living on the night you first kissed. Anyone, even animals, can have sex. Only people who have given their hearts to each other can make LOVE. Cherish the fact that you have gone where no one else has gone - into her inner soul and heart, into the true intimacy of a woman - mind, soul, body and heart. Release the past - it cannot be changed. Cherish what you have now. Again, I can't stress it enough, NO other man has ever had the part of her that you have as her husband. I'll bet you they never even cross her mind. We men can be so hard on ourselves. Live in the present, look forward to the future. Love conquers all! It's going to be okay, just fight the bad thoughts with the truth. You are HER man!!


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## draconis

One more thing.

Be thankful she "got all this out of her system." Many have come on this board bored because they only had one or two lovers. That they didn't want to be a wife and lead a crazy sex life but they chose the sex. Be thankful she can communicate honestly with you. Be thankful she knows her body enough to have better sex with you.

By your same reasoning you shouldn't reuse forks or plates either, but you do.

draconis


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## SEARAY

Ken, I feel your pain. Maybe like no one else does. Here's what happened to me.... My girlfriend and I are very much in love and had no problems with each other's past. I knew that she had been married 3 times and accepted that. It was the past and we had a wonderful present and hopefully, future. Then it all came crashing down. She moved and in the process, stored some of her things at my place. Several months later, I'm moving boxes and come across one marked wedding photos. Curiosity got the better of me and I looked in it. Well, I got wedding photos, many other photos and dozens of cards between her and previous husbands in great detail. It tore me apart and continues to do so. Everyone is telling you that the past is the past. And they're right. But that doesn't make it any easier to get the demons out of your mind. To read "you are my lover, I love you with all of my heart, I love being in bed with you...." on and on and freakin' on is a KILLER. We've talked about it and she is very understanding. She only wants me to get better. Some days I cope. On others, a huge black cloud envelopes me and I can barely function. I'm sure I'll end up seeking some kind of professional help, because I'm a basket case. So, in conclusion, I feel your pain, but I hope that we can get over it somehow and move on. Best of luck to you!


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## cressfromhell

I do feel your pain. I go tru the same crap weekly!!! I have met or atleast seen 4-5 people that she has been with. She only know's one person which is my sons mother. She is a good woman like your wife, but I still cant help it at times. I would pay any amount of money to have it extracted from my head!!!!


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## storyboardlife

IT WOULD BE NICE IF A MAN WOULD JUST BE A MAN ABOUT HIS DECISIONS!!! Searay, your situation is different from Ken's. Ken's wife had a past but she loved him enough to change. It didn't matter what "she got" because what she got didn't compare to the love of a man that would commit to her. Searay, your wife hasn't thrown away her past and that bothers you because your scared that you might just be line like everyone else. And cressfromhell, are you upset that she has had more partners than you?

Ken's situation is that he more focused on himself instead of loving his wife as she loves him for the past 8 or more years. Searay, you knew what you were getting into with a woman that has been married 3 times. Look at the statistics. Although it can work it is almost a lost cause. However, you both chose to enter the relationship (I don't know if you meant that you were married no. 3 or she has been married before) and as such will have to work through a lot of emotional issues. Especially with her and her relationships.

Cressfromhell, WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU AND HER RUNNING INTO PEOPLE THAT SHE HAS HAD SEX WITH BEFORE? 

Let me say this too. Ken said he knew what he was getting into and as such he should have counted the cost about getting in a relationship with her. For instance, both should have sought some help. With that said, I would like to know if ken and his wife had any counseling before they got married. 

I know it can be hard dealing with things like this. However, you have to focus on your love for her.


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## Ken

Wow! You folks have been terrific with the support you've shown.

I have listened to the advice given, and tried it. It has worked somewhat, but not always. Better than before though! 

There have still been a few times when the demons have come out. Like last night - when my wife was going to bed she came over to me to say goodnight and give me a kiss. As soon as she leaned in towards me the demons hit and I wanted to throw up. In a nanosecond, I managed to visualize her with someone else. It is the most horrid, sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that can't be described. Instant depression.

Anyway, we haven't been married for very long. We have been living together for 8 years, but actually only married for a few months. Yes, I did marry her despite the sickening visualizations because frankly, I'm never going to leave her or break up with her over this. We would have married sooner, however, she is Irish and her entire family lives in Ireland. They needed time to plan and save for coming over to Canada for 5 weeks.

Over the past couple of days, I have noticed one thing that makes the bad demons entirely go away. When I listen to the song she walked down the aisle to (we got married outside) it just makes me melt. She walked to From This Moment by Shania. Guess I'll have to buy a compact MP3 player and keep it with me at all times 

Storyboardlife - no, my wife and I have never been to counseling. I'm not sure I'd want to go. I know I would be laughed at for something that seems so silly to others. I'm a big, tough bodybuilder type guy, and feel kind of embarrassed that I have feelings that can be hurt. Everyone sees me as a brick wall that can't be penetrated cause I'm too tough.

Searay and cressfromhell - I know what you guys are feeling too, believe me! Too bad we didn't live close by; we could have gone out for a beer and huddled in the corner talking about our problem and not feel ashamed that anyone else knows.

Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions thus far. Although we do not know each other, I really do appreciate your help. I wasn't expecting it. I was expecting to be ridiculed and told to go seek help ASAP, while I was laughed at. So, thanks again, everyone!


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## StrongEnough

Ken said:


> Wow! You folks have been terrific with the support you've shown.
> 
> I have listened to the advice given, and tried it. It has worked somewhat, but not always. Better than before though!
> 
> There have still been a few times when the demons have come out. Like last night - when my wife was going to bed she came over to me to say goodnight and give me a kiss. As soon as she leaned in towards me the demons hit and I wanted to throw up. In a nanosecond, I managed to visualize her with someone else. It is the most horrid, sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that can't be described. Instant depression.
> 
> Anyway, we haven't been married for very long. We have been living together for 8 years, but actually only married for a few months. Yes, I did marry her despite the sickening visualizations because frankly, I'm never going to leave her or break up with her over this. We would have married sooner, however, she is Irish and her entire family lives in Ireland. They needed time to plan and save for coming over to Canada for 5 weeks.
> 
> Over the past couple of days, I have noticed one thing that makes the bad demons entirely go away. When I listen to the song she walked down the aisle to (we got married outside) it just makes me melt. She walked to From This Moment by Shania. Guess I'll have to buy a compact MP3 player and keep it with me at all times
> 
> Storyboardlife - no, my wife and I have never been to counseling. I'm not sure I'd want to go. I know I would be laughed at for something that seems so silly to others. I'm a big, tough bodybuilder type guy, and feel kind of embarrassed that I have feelings that can be hurt. Everyone sees me as a brick wall that can't be penetrated cause I'm too tough.
> 
> Searay and cressfromhell - I know what you guys are feeling too, believe me! Too bad we didn't live close by; we could have gone out for a beer and huddled in the corner talking about our problem and not feel ashamed that anyone else knows.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions thus far. Although we do not know each other, I really do appreciate your help. I wasn't expecting it. I was expecting to be ridiculed and told to go seek help ASAP, while I was laughed at. So, thanks again, everyone!


Just wanted to say that no, you would not be laughed at in counseling. My husband is also a "manly" guy and didn't not want to go due to pride and showing weakness, etc. He finally went and guess what, the saying is true-the bigger they are the harder they fall! He was holding so much in pain and anger that it was eating him away. When he was finally able to get all that out, it was so MUCH better and our communication improved! Consider it.


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## brad

Ken said:


> Wow! You folks have been terrific with the support you've shown.
> 
> I have listened to the advice given, and tried it. It has worked somewhat, but not always. Better than before though!
> 
> There have still been a few times when the demons have come out. Like last night - when my wife was going to bed she came over to me to say goodnight and give me a kiss. As soon as she leaned in towards me the demons hit and I wanted to throw up. In a nanosecond, I managed to visualize her with someone else. It is the most horrid, sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that can't be described. Instant depression.
> 
> Anyway, we haven't been married for very long. We have been living together for 8 years, but actually only married for a few months. Yes, I did marry her despite the sickening visualizations because frankly, I'm never going to leave her or break up with her over this. We would have married sooner, however, she is Irish and her entire family lives in Ireland. They needed time to plan and save for coming over to Canada for 5 weeks.
> 
> Over the past couple of days, I have noticed one thing that makes the bad demons entirely go away. When I listen to the song she walked down the aisle to (we got married outside) it just makes me melt. She walked to From This Moment by Shania. Guess I'll have to buy a compact MP3 player and keep it with me at all times
> 
> Storyboardlife - no, my wife and I have never been to counseling. I'm not sure I'd want to go. I know I would be laughed at for something that seems so silly to others. I'm a big, tough bodybuilder type guy, and feel kind of embarrassed that I have feelings that can be hurt. Everyone sees me as a brick wall that can't be penetrated cause I'm too tough.
> 
> Searay and cressfromhell - I know what you guys are feeling too, believe me! Too bad we didn't live close by; we could have gone out for a beer and huddled in the corner talking about our problem and not feel ashamed that anyone else knows.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions thus far. Although we do not know each other, I really do appreciate your help. I wasn't expecting it. I was expecting to be ridiculed and told to go seek help ASAP, while I was laughed at. So, thanks again, everyone!


Why are you so worried about maintaining your image as a "big tough bodybuilder". What you say is very revealing about yourself. You overly worried about your image and how others view you. Who cares!!
As for "getting rid of these thoughts"? good luck. It doesnt work that way. YOu need instead to process. Do you not think most people also have irrational thoughts? It's the way you handle the thoughts that makes the difference. 
I bet your a perfectionist or obsessive/complusive type of guy.


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## dja123

Hi ken.

I have the same problem. my wife has had sex with more than 100 men. seriously. I was at college with at least 5 of them. i have been with my wife for 17 years now and this problem has actually ruined my life. made me suicidal. i am on medication and i am now wondering if there really is something wrong with me. but, i will not let it go. i have given up all my dreams etc. so i am now trying buddism, meditation. i can only wish you all the best. my brother in law is so cool about all of this (her sister had the same past). it is horrible. i cant be bothered about anything, its in my mind 24/7. it has manifested itself into a real problem. these guys are like still there (they arnt really) and im beggining to believe that this problem is now (had) turning into a real illness. a really horrible mental illness. i want to escape from it. buddism is a real discovery for me, im hoping to transcend all of this, because if i dont, it will kill me. all of this may sound daft, but its true, horribly true. i often wonder what i would have been like if i could change this past. good luck!


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## dja123

just a silly finish, remember that in 100 years time we'll all be dead anyway. make the most of today and give your kids the best dad ever. they were meant to have you and you are meant to have them.


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## Sensitive

Let go of the past and live in the present. It sounds like you still love your wife, so don't screw it up by being a jealous prick. Everyone has a previous life before they got married.


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## Hockey

Ken said:


> First post here. Hello everyone!
> 
> I'm married, been with my wife for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous and I'm always thinking about her. I miss her when she isn't around (like at work).
> 
> But the thing is I just can't get over her past. Before she met me she had sex with 8 other guys, I'm her 9th. One was a threesome. She was a little wilder than she is now, obviously. I'm just so damn jealous, I don't know what to do. In 8 years I have not been able to forget about it or let it go. It drives me crazy. Every time I get intimate with her I start thinking about it and picturing in my mind her with someone else, then I get upset and jealous and don't want to finish.
> 
> Before you jump all over me, I do realize this was her past and it happened before she knew me, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. She has never cheated on me and never would. The thought of cheating just simply is not going to cross her mind, so it's not like I don't trust her or think she's going to cheat or anything like that; I know for a fact she never would. It is simply a case of being extremely jealous because other guys were inside of her, and I don't want anyone else inside there pleasuring her. I want to be able to have her all to myself, not let other guys have the pleasure of being with her, and obviously that can never happen.
> 
> She has the most kissable lips ever, and honestly, being inside of her is heaven! I just can't stand the thought of her moaning and being vocal over another man being in her. Her threesome really bothers me too, just knowing she was a little wild back then and is so conservative now makes me wonder how she can change so drastically.
> 
> We have discussed this many times at great length. It often causes arguments. I'm a jealous prick and I admit it. I wish I could forget all about it and pretend like she wasn't ever with anyone, but it just won't go away damn it.
> 
> Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.
> 
> Our relationship is awesome other than that. I treat her well, I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, buy her what she wants or needs.
> 
> Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


First, let me tell you one thing. No matter what people tell you, no matter how good the advice is, no matter how much it makes sense, nothing is going to help you nor will you get your head out of this funk unless YOU want it. 

My wife and I have been married 15 years, we have 2 children together, she is extremely gorgeous and she is my best friend. Men hit on her or stare at her when I am standing right next to her. Men can be scumbags. 

Now, I messed up years ago asking about her past sex life and guess what? She told me. Man, I wish I could take it back but I can't, and now my mind is my worst enemy. She was with 9 men before me, starting at 14 with a boyfriend of 3 years, no threesomes or wild stuff, but she had sex before me. (Now, I have been with 42 women before marrying her, including a playmate, 3 models, etc... all very beautiful women and she could care less because she said it was before her) 

I can't imagine ever being with another woman, EVER! I am so in love with her, a feeling I have never felt before, and I never, ever, want to lose her. Now, a visual that keeps going through my head; someone holding her, kissing her, making love to her; doing all the things she does with me. It sucks to think about it and unfortunately I can't stop. (On the flip side, she could have had sex with just me and then maybe she could go through life wondering what it is like to have sex with other men) The point is that it's out of her system. She has sworn on our kids that before me that no other man ever gave her an orgasm, and a few of the men forced themselves on her where she didn't want to have sex. 

Now, the positive spin on this. Our wives chose us to spend the rest of their lives with. If those other guys were so great then she would be with them. She is married to you, she wakes up to you everyday, and the one way to keep what you have is to be better to her then the other guys. Not just with sex, but with the way you treat her, the things you do for her, etc... Make everyday special with her. Hug her, kiss her gently on the lips or cheek, tell her you love her, and tell her how beautiful she is. Surprise her with a movie, or take her for an ice cream cone, a date night for a dinner, a bottle of wine, or just a walk. These are things she is going to remember, not her sexual past. Remember, if you push her away with your insecurities and she were to leave, it's going to suck way more knowing she is with another man after you have been with her. 

You have children with this wonderful woman. She chose you to do this with. You have something those past knuckleheads will never have. Now, I need to go practice what I preach. Good luck and stay strong...


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## SaxonMan

Lol. My fiancée won't tell me a thing about her past. 100, 1000 10,000?
Who knows.
Least of my problems.


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## coffee bean

Ken -
You are being dominated by these thoughts and images of your wife. Where do these thoughts and images get born, live and die? In your head of course. Are they reality as it is in front of your face? No, of course not. If you face these 'demons' and become able to look at them without believing them, you will be getting somewhere. Watch them come in the front door, and go out the back door, but don't invite them to tea, as they say.

Pasting positive thoughts on top of negative ones doesn't really work. You need to stare out those thoughts/beliefs which are causing the emotions. Every time a thought loop or image series starts appearing in your mind, say to yourself, 'Oh here's a thought about x,y,z'. Watch the train go by, but don't hop on it. Mental flotsam and jetsam, coming and going, like TV programmes or internet pop-ups. It doesn't have to mean anything. Keep coming back to whatever's happening NOW. This is reality. When you see the train and don't hop on it enough times, the emotional charge fades away.

This is where dja123 is taking a much more interesting approach. Recognising your thoughts as just thoughts, without making them mean anything, and without making it all about you, is basic meditation. It takes time and is really hard work, especially in the beginning, but this is an effective way to loosen the torturous grip of emotional thinking. 

For a much better explanation of this than I can give, see 'Everyday Zen' by Charlotte Joko Beck. She saved my sanity a few times I can tell you.


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## sarah63

I really agree with all the posts above, just love her for who she is now. After all, she stopped being that "wild girl" because she wanted to be with you so then what is the big deal? Maybe you need some counseling too but mostly follow the advice given here, next time you make love you should really just concentrate on her and on how much she means to you.


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## sunflower

Oh gosh really dont stress that I used to but it really doesnt matter what matters is the marriage not the past. AND dont let things come into your marriage now. leave it behind you dont worry about the small things.


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## Alecram

OMG...can you imagine if women let themselves get obsessed over their partner's sexual pasts? We would be destined for the looney bin without a doubt.

My man had way more sexual partners than I did (I only had one before him). You think I care? Nah. They all came before me (no pun intended).

I guess men and women are wired differently. Perhaps women are hard-wired to deal with their partner's sexual past better than men because, historically, men have always been "allowed" by society to be promiscuous, whereas women have always been expected to be chaste before marriage (or at least have as little sexual experience as possible).

Since times have changed and women have become more and more liberated, some men can't handle it. It's kind of hypocritical to expect a woman to accept a man's sexual past but when a woman has a long list of past sexual partners, some men get all hung up over it. Very interesting.


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## MsLady

If you are 8 years into this relationship and these thoughts are still affecting you to the point where you feel immense disgust when your wife approaches you for a kiss, the problem is serious and you need to get professional help. You've tried and failed on your own, time to be humble and go to someone that can guide you. Is your marriage worth it? Counselors and therapists see and respect everyone, including tough guys. And you are only deceiving your friends into thinking that you don't have vulnerable feelings ... anyone trained as a counselor knows that's horse-doody, so there will be no image to crumble, no tough-guy pedestal to fall from ... they already know you're only human and have feelings and kooky thoughts like the rest of us do.

Now, to take a different angle than others on your problem. Your thoughts and issues have nothing to do with your wife or her past. They have everything to do with whatever puritannical beliefs have a stronghold on you, consciously or subconsciously. What were you raised to believe about sex, women, purity? What was considered "dirty"? What was a woman's role supposed to be? A man's role?

Why the need to be the only one that's ever been inside of her? That's about possession and not about love. That's about insecurity also. Are you pleasing her sexually? Are you unsure if yes or no? If you are pleasing her, are you worried whether you are pleasing her the most anyone ever has? See? You set a trap for yourself that is all about your self-doubts. You wish you could possess her womanhood and sexuality ... but that is INDEPENDENT of you. It belongs to her. That is something she SHARES with you, not something that you own. The only way you can feel the way you feel is if you felt that you own her or that you SHOULD own her. If you didn't feel that desire, need, wish or fantasy to OWN your wife, to possess her completely somehow, then you've be able to separate and respect her past and being part of who she is and nothing to do with you currently. 

Because of your insecurities about your manhood, your skills as a lover, the size of your penis, the tough-guy facade, you can't just accept what she's sharing (her love, her womanhood, her sexuality) and enjoy it ... afterall, something that belongs to another and is just being shared, can always be taken from us. But if we own it, then it's ours and it can't go away. Why such fear of loss that you can't enjoy what you have? Anything in your past?

The fact that you say she has changed so much is also a red flag. We all change and compromised, but has she changed too much? Are you, maybe, responding to some awareness that your need in this relationship for her to become demur (think way back) have squashed a part of that wild girl? Are you afraid of that girl becoming unleashed someday? Listen, we all grow up and she obviously has as well. So your fear (unconscious?) is probably unfounded. But, it may also be a clue to you that, in your relationship, your wife has hidden away or given away a part of herself that is a bit more wild and riske than you are comfortable with. She's done that for you. If this rings a bell, then the best way to stop fearing is for you to loosen up and let her bring that wild girl into the bedroom with you. Let her be a little wild, but by your side.

How would it feel if your wife found your penis disgusting because she couldn't stop picturing it inside another woman? Clearly, you know your thoughts are irrational. However, you are fighting them in the wrong way and hence giving them strength. You need to understand where they are coming from before you can begin to expel them from your mind. Go back through your history and your belief system and find the place where you came to believe that a woman is "dirty" if not perfectly untouched by another at the altar (or the move-in date). Also, think about the dynamics of your marriage to assess why you are so insecure about being enough for her in the present that her past truly becomes irrelevant? Why are you so afraid to lose her?


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## franklinfx

It may shock some but I can actually relate to you ken, not to say your feelings are justified, but I think alot of guys have the same feelings you do. Your wife sounds pretty hot, and congrats on that, but a hot woman is a double edge sword my friend. Theyre great to look at and alot of fun in bed, but if your as insecure as you sound, you might have picked the wrong woman to marry. Although I think going crazy over what happened before you even met this woman, is going a little far, I too am insecure and would go crazy if I thought another guy was trying to get in my wifes pants ,which is only inevitable if your wife is a hotty. I knew this about myself, and although Ive dated a couple of hot and sexy women in my life, I knew I was not secure enough to handle being married to one, so even though my wife is by no means ugly, I am much less worried about guys w/ bigger penis's and bigger bank accounts messing with her, than other woman ive been w/. Like clint said ''a mans gotta know his limitations''. Sounds like youda been better off w/ a more plain jane choice of a wife as well, but I can hardly blame you for your taste in women. Youll just have to learn to get you emotions under control. Just remember ,shes just flesh and bone under than hot exterior, and she even farts when your not around, nobodys perfect. As far as the guy w/ the big johnson ,real dumb move for asking her that ,and even dumber for her to answer truthfully, but just remember, just cause it was big doesnt mean he knew how to use it, and for crying out loud, dont ask her if he did! 

God luck bud.


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## Mr22101

Wow! I came to this site looking for answers to my problems and this hit home hard! I have a very similar problem and may just post mine since it is a bit different. Asking about your partners past is a slippery slope. At this point you may have all the data, but if not do you go on asking more questions or stop? I would say that if you continue on with questions to ask your wife how big she thinks you are, as you may be surprised at the answer. Count your blessing that you have a wife that loves you and funnel all your energy into being the best father possible.


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## beachboy

I have gone through this same thing my entire marriage. However I was a virgin and although my wife claimed to be I found out different once we married. Since I had fallen madly in love with her I always thought I would get over it but guess what,,,it hasn't happened, and I think about her and her past constantly. I have just learned how to deal with it.

Being older now and having access to the internet has allowed me to do many searches and to discover I am not alone in dealing with these feelings. I joined a now defunct Yahoo group, Spousal sexual secrets, that at one time had many posters, who in their own way, must have gotten over this. It's still a group and is good reading for some of the older posts but there is very little activity now. Still reading the older posts have helped me in seeing myself dwelling on my wifes past, and her lie.


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## Unknown

Ken,

You sound just like me! My hubby had a wild past as well..one night stands..**** buddies,..whatever you want to call them. I wasn't a virgin either but sex was very important to me and I only did it with people i trusted and loved. So...to know that my hubby had crazy times and sometimes even running into those women he slept with gets me real mad..to the point that I can't look at him and I refuse to let him touch me..

Anyway, I've come a long way..but the only way I was able to make myself feel better about the situation is to remind myself of all the great traits that he has and who he is today. Also, doing dirty things that he's never tried before has made me feel "better" about the situation...lol.....one more thing, partyin' like crazy while he waits for me at home helps although it's a little kidish..but that's done now.....it doesn't bother me anymore unless I run into those dirty hoes he slept with. --excuse my language.


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## tdr64am

I guess it was foolish to think it was just me. I've wrestled with the same garbage for years. My wife married at 18 and was only married for 10 months. It was her first relationship. We met soon thereafter, and she became my first relationship. We have been together a long time now, but I still let stuff bug me. This despite the fact they were not together that long and that one of the reasons he left was because she risisted sex. Like many of the other guys, I simply asked too many questions over time and did not really want to hear the answers. I also had the unfortunate experience of finding a high school photo she signed to him that was all lovey dovey. Her HS yearbook also had all kinds of notes from friends wishing her good luck with her hubby and all of that stuff. Her sister mentioned once (years ago) to a mutual friend how good looking this guy was. Anyway, for a loser who could not buy a date, this was probably too much at too young an age. What is almost scary is that other than the few things I mentioned above, it is almost impossible to know she was married before and there is no evidence. I mean, if there were a lot of cards, gifts, etc., they were long gone. We have very very good friends who never know this happened in my wife's life and they will never know. I asked my wife once if the thought that she was married before crossed her mind once a day. She (literally) laughed in my face and said maybe once a decade. And at the end of the day, that is what makes this weird. Her "past" is a current memory of mine. Almost like a current event. To her, it is less than ancient history. It has cost us intimacy and I have worked hard to keep it in its cage. Basically I just found this site and wanted to share. It does help to know that I'm not terribly unusual, even if I wish it were not an issue at all. The words of advice and wisdom (particularly from MsLady) are helpful. Best to all.


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## brintond

I think that if just told you to get over it ,it wouldnt be helping you.
Theres no point going on to your wfe about it either because the damage is done now and there is nohing she can do or say to undo the past.
I think that you just have to make the best of the situation and try not to let it eat away vat you , Iknow it isnt easy.We dont live in a perfect world where we always get what we are entitled to , mothers lose sons in foreign wars ,people get cancer and disease. All around us , maybe most people have to suffer some sort of loss , which in your case , you cant have your wifes virginity because she gave it to someone else. Its not your fault at all and your feelings are completely normal in my opinion.
A lot of men dont mind their wifes past but I wonder if all of them love their wives as much as you do , because , lets face it love and jealousy go hand in hand to a certain extent dont they.
Im not trying to console you with words like , "she loves you now" and maybe "it was her past and none of your business" , of course its your business , you dont want these men to have had these pleasures do you.
So ,it looks like you have to try and go through some sort of greiving process and let these feelings run their course.
We have 40 years of free love now , this story shows the other side of free love , and its not pretty, I told my daughter she should wait for her wedding night and give her husband the gift of her virginity , if I show her your post , I think it will help get the message across better.
good luck


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## ABZOK

Ken said:


> First post here. Hello everyone!
> 
> I'm married, been with my wife for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous and I'm always thinking about her. I miss her when she isn't around (like at work).
> 
> But the thing is I just can't get over her past. Before she met me she had sex with 8 other guys, I'm her 9th. One was a threesome. She was a little wilder than she is now, obviously. I'm just so damn jealous, I don't know what to do. In 8 years I have not been able to forget about it or let it go. It drives me crazy. Every time I get intimate with her I start thinking about it and picturing in my mind her with someone else, then I get upset and jealous and don't want to finish.
> 
> Before you jump all over me, I do realize this was her past and it happened before she knew me, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. She has never cheated on me and never would. The thought of cheating just simply is not going to cross her mind, so it's not like I don't trust her or think she's going to cheat or anything like that; I know for a fact she never would. It is simply a case of being extremely jealous because other guys were inside of her, and I don't want anyone else inside there pleasuring her. I want to be able to have her all to myself, not let other guys have the pleasure of being with her, and obviously that can never happen.
> 
> She has the most kissable lips ever, and honestly, being inside of her is heaven! I just can't stand the thought of her moaning and being vocal over another man being in her. Her threesome really bothers me too, just knowing she was a little wild back then and is so conservative now makes me wonder how she can change so drastically.
> 
> We have discussed this many times at great length. It often causes arguments. I'm a jealous prick and I admit it. I wish I could forget all about it and pretend like she wasn't ever with anyone, but it just won't go away damn it.
> 
> Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.
> 
> Our relationship is awesome other than that. I treat her well, I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, buy her what she wants or needs.
> 
> Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


Hey man... I completly understand you.. and beside some other guy I guess that everybody did not read your full post. You already said you love your wife.. that you understand that she had a past sexual life... THATS NOT THE PROBLEM.. the problem is the mind... I understand you,, I am dealing with the same problem... I understand everything,,, if I ever have to talk to my wife as a friend.. I would tell her that she did nothing wrong.. that actually it was good.. but as my wife I just hate her when those images come to my mind, I hate my mind. I just read that maybe some pills might help, Prozac is one of them.. what we need is not a forum where most people dont understand that this is not a rational problem that this is an emotional problerms.. and for me, emotions are IMPOSIBLE to manage...


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## artieb

You might like to watch the movie "Chasing Amy".

Also, think about this: if you stay married 20 years, your wife will have had more sex with you than with _everybody else put together_. None of those other guys was good enough to keep her; you are.

It's a mistake to compare yourself to other people. Suppose you were really happy with your love life, and then read an interview with some porn star who has sex 50 times a week. Would you get all worried and start saying "Oh, no, I should have more sex! 6 times a week isn't nearly enough!"? I wouldn't. What other people do shouldn't affect how you feel about what you do. And that's just as true of the person your wife _used to be_. Work on your sex life and your relationship, making it as good as you can going forward, and see if your jealousy about the past doesn't fade away. You should only think about her past lovers with a mind toward making her forget all about them.

But definitely watch "Chasing Amy".


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## MEM2020

Ken,
Time to put on big boy pants and learn to keep this topic to yourself. If you keep raising it with her and upset her enough, you may have to deal with a different type of jealousy - that of your divorced wife sleeping with another man. 

Relationships are never destroyed in one or two conversations. They can however be broken down by one partner repeatedly and relentlessly interrogating the other about their sexual history. 




Ken said:


> First post here. Hello everyone!
> 
> I'm married, been with my wife for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous and I'm always thinking about her. I miss her when she isn't around (like at work).
> 
> But the thing is I just can't get over her past. Before she met me she had sex with 8 other guys, I'm her 9th. One was a threesome. She was a little wilder than she is now, obviously. I'm just so damn jealous, I don't know what to do. In 8 years I have not been able to forget about it or let it go. It drives me crazy. Every time I get intimate with her I start thinking about it and picturing in my mind her with someone else, then I get upset and jealous and don't want to finish.
> 
> Before you jump all over me, I do realize this was her past and it happened before she knew me, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. She has never cheated on me and never would. The thought of cheating just simply is not going to cross her mind, so it's not like I don't trust her or think she's going to cheat or anything like that; I know for a fact she never would. It is simply a case of being extremely jealous because other guys were inside of her, and I don't want anyone else inside there pleasuring her. I want to be able to have her all to myself, not let other guys have the pleasure of being with her, and obviously that can never happen.
> 
> She has the most kissable lips ever, and honestly, being inside of her is heaven! I just can't stand the thought of her moaning and being vocal over another man being in her. Her threesome really bothers me too, just knowing she was a little wild back then and is so conservative now makes me wonder how she can change so drastically.
> 
> We have discussed this many times at great length. It often causes arguments. I'm a jealous prick and I admit it. I wish I could forget all about it and pretend like she wasn't ever with anyone, but it just won't go away damn it.
> 
> Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.
> 
> Our relationship is awesome other than that. I treat her well, I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, buy her what she wants or needs.
> 
> Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


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## Liam

For the first 2 years of my marriage I had exactly the same issue. I also suffered from depression during some of that time so it all fed into each other  I would get angry about it, resentful, frustrated, jealous and just extremely sad. When I talked to people about it I used to get "What she did before you is none of your business and she's with you now" etc etc. This of course didn't help one bit. Finally though, I made the decision that this issue was making me so unhappy that I had to make a choice - let something I have no control over constantly make me feel this way OR take the issue on and beat it.

I chose the latter - and once I made the decision it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before I had completely overcome it  My approach was a kind of 'self cognitive therapy'. Every time I thought about it, I would completely ignore the thoughts and give them no attention. Sometimes I would say in my head "Before me, her life" or a variation of it. After a few days, the thoughts stopped coming. On top of this, I looked within and realized I was spoiling _our_ present and future by thinking about _her_ past. After a couple of weeks, it just wasn't an issue any more. There's was no way I was going to give this issue any more power over me  That was 5 years ago, and I literally never think about my wife's sexual past. When I do, I don't feel anything. It's gone, it's irrelevant. Ken - if you still have this problem, you can overcome it - if I can, you can


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## Deejo

Look at pot dates folks ... Ken is looong gone.

He stopped posting nearly a year ago. Discuss if you choose, but the OP won't see it.


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## Ken

Deejo said:


> Look at pot dates folks ... Ken is looong gone.
> 
> He stopped posting nearly a year ago. Discuss if you choose, but the OP won't see it.


I'm not long gone. I have just read everything.

The problem was that my computer crashed months ago and I lost all my bookmarks, and I couldn't remember the name of this site for the life of me! I just Googled a few keywords, and sure enough, brought me right back here! LOL

Unfortunately, I just received a phone call and I have to leave now, so I can't respond right now. But I have this site memorized now, and will be back later on.

Oh, and the thoughts are still there and have only intensified in my head. Although I don't talk about it much, my mind runs wild with the thoughts. Damn Virgo thing.


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## mrcow

Although long time has passed since the first post of this thread (as well as long time has passed since the last answer ), I finally decided to share my thoughts on that as well.
Ken/other folks with the same issue - I hear you. My story is quite similar to Ken's one (numbers vary, though ) and I still haven't found a good solution either. 
To those "stop doing it, get over it, its the past, she with you now" - have you ever faced this issue yourselves and managed to get over it? If not - thanks, but your opinion is kinda worthless. If yes - step by step guides would be really helpful. Liam's advice is worthy - because he has been through it himself, he's seen the hell on earth . 
Anyway. My biggest concern is that although the past is just what it is - the past, it may be used to predict, what could happen in the future. Of course, those are just predictions, and situations will never be the same and all that, but anyways, it is a source of insecurity. And insecurity and self esteem (or rather lack of it) plays huge if not the main role in this whole mess. 
I don't know the best solution, how to get out of it. I haven't found it yet. I acknowledge my problem, though, and I hope that this is a half (or at least one third) of the solution. My biggest issue is one night stands , dunno, how many, but my wife had mention she tried it. I totally understand that long term relationship comes w/ sex, and I'm totally ok w/ that. But one-nighters seem so wrong to me (and yes, I haven't tried them and what's more - didn't want to have them, even when I wasn't in any relationship). How big exactly has one's sexual urges to be in order to go and f**k a complete stranger? I just can't understand it, and the biggest worry for me is - what if? What if that some other guy is so friggin sexy, she'd like to f**k him just because of that?
Past is the past, but as I said, I'm probably overdoing foreseeing the future based on it. 

I will try Liam's advice and will just shovel metodically these thoughts out of my mind. I am as good as I am, and even if my worst nightmares come to true - I've done everything I could and wanted to do. So, I need to just live and enjoy the life .

Although this post was more about what I feel regarding this matter and not the good advices on it, I'd like to say this at the end.

1) Do not ask about your spouse's past. Be ready to accept, that s/he wasn't waiting in tears for you to appear as a saviour and meaning of his/her life, if you do ask.
2) Do not talk to your spouse about your sexual past, unless asked. 
3) Your spouse doesn't need to know the particulars, on numbers or amounts, or sizes, whatever. This knowledge won't help any. If pressed hard, I still think, that principle is "less is better", and some white lies are in order - just be consistent on what you say.
4) Eventually you may hit spouse's vulnerable spot involuntary. You'll most likely see it when it happens. When it does, remember, that s/he is basically a blind person with powerful imagination, so you need to take him/her by hand and guide through the dark room. These demons are very real and they bites are really painful in that other mind.
5) Tell your spouse that you love him/her, that there's really nothing, that you can do to change your past, that it will not affect your future, believe in it yourself and that's it. This is how much you can do to help your significant other to deal with your past. There are steps that one has to make on one's own, you can't run behind the bicycle all the time, there's no progress in learning, if you do .

Thanks for reading! I'm not sure if it will help someone, but as wicked as it sounds, it really helped me writing this 

MrCow


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## Nekko

mrcow said:


> How big exactly has one's sexual urges to be in order to go and f**k a complete stranger? I just can't understand it, and the biggest worry for me is - what if? What if that some other guy is so friggin sexy, she'd like to f**k him just because of that?
> Past is the past, but as I said, I'm probably overdoing foreseeing the future based on it.


I'm the kind of person, that if single, would go F some random unknown person. Why? Sex is just sex. If you think of sex strictly through 'i should love him/her or know them or have some sort of feelings...' then it's wrong. If you're like me and don't think of sex as a very emotional experience (ex: i would have sex with a stranger that attracts me rather easily with no emotional implication, but at the same time i'd have issues going to lunch with a stranger, because i find this activity more intimate). Also, for me, having sex with a stranger means i don't have to worry about that person enjoying themselves, i can just focus on me. The sexual urge is never THAT big. But it's an opportunity for pleasure and if some people have nothing to lose (singles for example, or people who are misserable in their marriage) they will take it. It's more of a mental urge, rather than down there, if you ask me. 


Problem with insecurity regarding a person's sexual past is that the spouse realizez how free their mate is, and not under their control. This is what freaks most people out...'she could at any time go with another guy and i can't really do anything to stop her'. This situation is just a fear (because a happy person that voluntarily got into a marriage will not have any intention of cheating). It comes from low self esteem (both 'i might not be good enough for her' and 'i'm not strong enough to handle it if it happens'). 

I don't see your approach about not sharing anything regarding your past as very realistic or wise. It keeps people from connecting and being honest with eachother if they want to. And it's to an extent called living in a safe bubble and in fear. These things can happen...you can just say 'ok, if it happens that's that, i'm strong enough to cope with it' and enjoy your life, or live in fear and with your eyes closed. When you don't wanna risk being vulnerable because it might eventually hurt too much, and try to shield yourself from everything..you end up feeling nothing at all.


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## laredo

I would want her to tell me about all the details. I would love hearing how she felt with a 9 incher. Your could get excited and have some great sex.


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## mrcow

Nekko said:


> Problem with insecurity regarding a person's sexual past is that the spouse realizez how free their mate is, and not under their control. This is what freaks most people out...'she could at any time go with another guy and i can't really do anything to stop her'. This situation is just a fear (because a happy person that voluntarily got into a marriage will not have any intention of cheating). It comes from low self esteem (both 'i might not be good enough for her' and 'i'm not strong enough to handle it if it happens').


good point. 
/any advices on good self-esteem pills? /



Nekko said:


> I don't see your approach about not sharing anything regarding your past as very realistic or wise. It keeps people from connecting and being honest with eachother if they want to. And it's to an extent called living in a safe bubble and in fear. These things can happen...you can just say 'ok, if it happens that's that, i'm strong enough to cope with it' and enjoy your life, or live in fear and with your eyes closed. When you don't wanna risk being vulnerable because it might eventually hurt too much, and try to shield yourself from everything..you end up feeling nothing at all.


i've never thought about it from this point of view. thanks.. actually! I'll spend some time thinking.
and Ken, sorry for stealing your thread, hope you don't mind 

mrcow


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## Jeff33

Hey, I have kind of a similar issue and it's interesting to read the opinions here. I originally met my wife when we were both 19, I was attracted to her but found out she had a BF at the time, however, we still remained friends. She found out her BF was cheating on her and dumped him. 
Now this is where my mental issue comes into play. I asked out my now wife after her and her BF broke up, but she decided that she was more interested in someone else and proceeded to have a relationship with him. I was hurt, but soon was over it, continued dating people through my college life and really concentrated on getting my degree. 
Well, a few years later about 24 years of age, after I had landed a well paying job and just purchased a new house, I get a e-mail from her out of the blue. Well Mr. great turned out to be Mr. directionless and she wanted something a little more stable. So she dumped him and started looking for me, eventually she found me on classmates, and soon after we started dating. At the time we started, it really didn't bother me, but for some reason it really bugs me now about 8 years later. I have come to realize that women when they are 19-22 tend to go for a more exciting males, big guns and a fast car. But then when they start getting around the age of 24-25, they change and guys like me who have resources tend to become much more attractive. In a immature way I do harbor some resentment that I wasn't good enough for her before, but after I started pulling in some bucks I was suddenly good enough. I don't really express my feelings to her and I am jealous of that relationship. I know it's unfair and I don't have the need to make her feel bad about my own insecurities, but it still pisses me off inside. Mainly because I am not buying the she choose me BS, she didn't choose me, I was chosen after I offered her a nice way of life. She wanted nothing to do with me when I was just a student.


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## Big Bear

Ken said:


> Storyboardlife - no, my wife and I have never been to counseling. I'm not sure I'd want to go. I know I would be laughed at for something that seems so silly to others. I'm a big, tough bodybuilder type guy, and feel kind of embarrassed that I have feelings that can be hurt. Everyone sees me as a brick wall that can't be penetrated cause I'm too tough.
> 
> !


I got a kick out of this. Hopefully you're still reading the replies because I get the tough exterior. As far as "tough guys" go I'm right there with ya. I have had several assault rifles, pistols, and can hit a target with pinpoint accuracy from 800 yards with a Remmington 700 .308 bolt. I smoke cigars, play hockey and love football. When I was younger I worked in a biker bar, drank a TON of Jack Daniels, had sex with random hotties and got into lots of fights. I also cried watching Ghost Whisperer, love the theater, and could watch figure skating for hours. Oh, I also secretly write poetry. Lots of it. So am I too tough or do I worry that someone is laughing at me? Fact is, nobody cares. Tough guys get hurt feelings just like girl scouts, no big secret there. The images that you have of your wife in ecstacy with other men are manufactured by you, and likely not even close to reality. She's with you now, and if you loose sight of the present in will be at the expense of the future. Go see a therapist. You seem to have a good handle on where you're coming from and expressing those feelings in a productive setting will likely valiate your confidence as a man. And if it doesn't, you can always kick his ass afterword! :smthumbup:


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## OhGeesh

This reminds me of something I read in Cosmo or Yahoo something like that. It talked about question guys ask girls that they really don't want the truthful answer too:

It went something like this.

Question_______________Magazine response:
*Was I the best lover = " Yeah every other guy just happened to horrible I couldn't feel a thing it was awful. Deal with it guys we had sex and yes alot of it was good sex, but we are with you!!!"

*Was I the biggest= "We don't really care about that stuff we care how it feels, but sure honey if you want to be the biggest, your the biggest"


It was stuff like that really awkward. Really guys have you had sex before? Did it suck? Did the oral suck too? Mine sure didn't!! I bet my wife's didn't either.......the point is they are with you as my wife is with me!!!


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## couplers

Hi, this is Petra. My advice is going to be the opposite of what everyone else is saying here. You need to get to a point where you can talk to your wife about her past sexual experiences, current fantasies and desires. You need to get to a point where you take pleasure and satisfaction in her past sexual enjoyment and her talking about what she is thinking now. This is what having a great, as opposed to a basic functioning, salvaged relationship, is all about. True and deep soulmates, lovers, sex partners, friends share this kind of stuff and are happy for the other's thrill.


You need to face your fears head on and not supress it. Before you make love next time, ask her to describe her best physical relationship with another man. Then tell her you love her. Ask her the next time who else she fantasizes about. Then tell her you love her. Set up a date among you two and one of her exes, and let them have a good time talking the way old lovers do. Then go home with her, talk about it some more and tell her that you love her.


My husband and I share _*everything*_ - our past, our fantasies, our deepest crazy desires. And we love each other all the more for it. Mostly people act jealous because that is what society expects us to do. Get over your petty ego issues, everything will be all the better for it.


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## Rob774

Ken raises sorta a valid, but not to this extreme point. See alot of us husbands could care less about thier wives past. We just assume at some point you've had a one night stand... no biggee. My wife's had less partners than teh OP's, but i can only assume she's had atleast a 1-nighter ( i haven't asked and i'm not going to). What gets some of us married guys is that it seemed as though our lovely wives gave sex away alot easier back then... to guys who were no where near as worthy... in comparison to sparingly giving it to the men who you are supposed to love and promised to share the rest of your lives with. Like you f'd your ex everyday even though he cheated on you and mistreated you. But you make your own husband beg for it.

Btw, Jeff ( and i know he posted this in Feb) more than likely when your wife initially started looking for you, she had no way of knowing if you ever finished college or what your current earning potential was. Sometimes... women finally mature and don't look for Mr. Right Now anymore. Some women get this early and still land a good guy in their 20's. Some wait too long and find out the hard way by mid-30's when there are very few available good guys left.


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## paul_b

Hi!

I have the same issue like Ken.
I've been married for 11 years, have 2 kids and expecting 3rd this summer.
I was virgin when I met her - she was not.
I was curious about her past and she was young/stupid enough to answer frankly to my silly questions. 
She had a 6 months affair with a 7 years older guy. The entire relationship was mainly sexual. He had a lot of experience with women and he took her virginity in all the ways you can imagine. This really bothers me all these years. I got into emotional hole from time to time with all the signs Ken has written.
Anyway it is time for my practical advice:
During the years I realized that when there are long periods of having "standard usual 15 minutes family" sex (because of kids, work issues, tiredness etc) these "demons" come. When we had a wild "nasty" sex it fuels me with energy and wipes out these thoughts for a long period of time. Making her to come 5-6 times doing something "dirty" really makes me feel like super star in bed.
So try to do with her something wild or different like using toys, making home porno movie. Ask her to do with her something "nasty" that you always wanted but never had enough courage to do. 

I hope it will help!


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## Rob774

paul_b said:


> Hi!
> 
> I have the same issue like Ken.
> I've been married for 11 years, have 2 kids and expecting 3rd this summer.
> I was virgin when I met her - she was not.
> I was curious about her past and she was young/stupid enough to answer frankly to my silly questions.
> She had a 6 months affair with a 7 years older guy. The entire relationship was mainly sexual. He had a lot of experience with women and he took her virginity in all the ways you can imagine. This really bothers me all these years. I got into emotional hole from time to time with all the signs Ken has written.
> Anyway it is time for my practical advice:
> During the years I realized that when there are long periods of having "standard usual 15 minutes family" sex (because of kids, work issues, tiredness etc) these "demons" come. When we had a wild "nasty" sex it fuels me with energy and wipes out these thoughts for a long period of time. Making her to come 5-6 times doing something "dirty" really makes me feel like super star in bed.
> So try to do with her something wild or different like using toys, making home porno movie. Ask her to do with her something "nasty" that you always wanted but never had enough courage to do.
> 
> I hope it will help!


Your wife's story isn't that different from alot of guys. Women do things when they are young... on a whim. At the time, it just makes sense to them because that is what they want. They look back on these times and shake their head, but we do the same thing. Shake our heads to some of the chicks we've slept with. We thank the good lord that we never got some of those nutso chicks we banged preggo. 

Me and the wife talked about ex's the other day, because we are going to a book signing of a friend, and an ex might be there because he's friends with the author as well. She asked me if i'm okay with that, i told her i could care less, as long as you point him out if he approaches you. I'd like to know if this "friend" who keeps trying to chat it up with you ... was just a friend or someone more. But in the end, she assured me that none of her exes were anything special, there's no fond memories of their exploits, atleast if they are, she doesn't make it know to me. I take solace in the fact that i wifed her at 22, so regardless of what she did with the hanful of guys before me, i was the first to have lived with her, first to have spent the night, first to have taken her outta the city, outta the state, etc, etc. So i would think that no matter else, my imprint leaves a larger mark than all the rest combined.


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## boxer

You describe this woman as your "WIFE". I am curious why men marry such women?

Women who have had more than two sex partners are no longer able to bond in a physical and psychological way to their husband. This is the reason why there's so much divorce now than there was two generations ago, and nearly all the divorce (70-80 percent in all US states, close to 90 percent in California) is filed for by women.

Women who have more than one or two sex partners are "turned out". They do not see men as husbands, but as objects to use. This is not marriage material, guys. I wonder where your dads and granddads were when they should have been telling you this stuff.

http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html


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## Catherine602

My advice to woman is to be careful about discussing past sexual history in detail. Some men seem to have a great deal of problems. They have belated sexual insecurities and make a woman life miserable. Share the minimum info the past is the past why share details? If a man has problems with a women who has had past sexual partners in the beginning of the relationship, avoid him let him find a virgin. Don't get dupped into thinking that he will change his mind. 

Men who are insecure should not do a bait and switch, it is cruel to make a commitment to a woman and then torment her. She gave you 3 children, has been a good wife to you, and you are ungrateful enough to indulge in stupid hurtful punishing. You unsettle the stability of 4 human beings for your foolishness. You knew her past why would you make a family with her? Why be so irresponsible? 

Has your behavior been exemplary? Have you done anything you should be ashamed of? Suppose you were tormented for it. If you wife stopped having sex with you and divorces your for your sexual problems would you feel better. You would be free to find a virginal woman and she would be free to find some secure man who will cherish her. Her 3 kids will have a man who values their mother and will provide a stable home for them. Don't you think it would be better for all concerned if you were not around since you are the source of problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Undertheradar

I'm a 52 yr old man (just for the record)

I'll give you another spin.....

If you don't stop, you're gonna LOSE HER!....
And when you do lose her, the NEXT guy, is NOT going to give two craps about who she was with!!
He will already know that you had sex with her numerous times, had three children that won't be his. Yet, if she is everything you say she is, he will appreciate her for the great time he'll be having with her NOW!!!

Go buy her flowers.
Tell her you came to your ridiculous senses, and realize that you're acting like an insecure, jealous fool.
Go tell her that you love and appreciate her for what she stands for today, and tomorrow, and yesterday has no bearing on the direction you two could go.

BTW..... You have a terrific wife, if she was willing to be so open.

APPRECIATE HER!!!!!!


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## Locard

Mens sexual insecurities have nothing to do with it. If women don't think that chastity is a big deal to guys they need to just read all of these posts.

Boys and Girls growing up in todays culture are being fed to the wolves. For many, probably the majority of guys out there, don't want to have to worry about being comparred or having to share their future spouse Obviously, men want to have thier cake and eat it too and they can't have it both ways. 

Ken, I hope you can get control of this because your childrens future is at stake here. If you still out there Ken, do NOT engage your wife about this any further. Whats done is done and you married her, she does deserve to not be punished for her past. Maybe get some professional help, it will be money well spent. And remember, you are not alone or crazy about how you feel.


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## KJ5000

I was never one to ask about a woman's sexual past. Unless she was with someone I knew, we're starting fresh as far as I am concerned. 
Women are often hesitant talking about those kind of things because they know the reaction could be similar to the one you had.
Don't punish her for being honest, you'll regret it.


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## Rob774

OhhShiney said:


> Wow, this really hit home. I was struck by this notion about a month ago. Nobody really every controls anyone else, love and living together are totally, 100% voluntary, every second of ever day shared. I've had the feelings of insecurity implied by the above situation. I've been in counseling for self-esteem issues that arose from my first marriage, in which I had stayed far too long with a verbally abusive spouse. I didn't realize that I had the power to change my life. Well, I did, and have.
> 
> I am now married to a wonderful woman, but have occasionally bouts of jealousy regarding her second husband. I sometimes cook up images of them together.
> 
> 
> 
> When we began to get to know each other, and were both in a situation where we had been bruised by marriage, and were not looking for a new relationship. Never again! This was liberating, no pressure! So, naturally, we discussed our past in details. My wife described her second husband as a fantastic lover, enough so that she left her first husband, in part, because she realized what she was missing. She divorced her second husband for cheating constantly during their ten year marriage. She continued to see him physically on and off, realizing that he was not marriage material. This continued until shortly before I met her.
> 
> Well, we fell in love (never, ever, say never!) We realized that we were, to each other, everything that we wanted in a spouse. Friendship, partnership, intimacy, etc. We have become soul mates, share everything, and have an eye-rolling, toe-curling relationship on every level. We married, and have been together for nearly two years. She says I am a fantastic husband, friend, and lover. She certainly is a fantastic wife, friend, and lover.
> 
> I am terribly embarrassed to say that I had a hard time erasing the image of her in bed with her second husband — especially we live in the house and sleep in the bed they shared. These thoughts don't happen very often, but get triggered when she bumps into him in town *facebook*. (insecurity, no doubt!)
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> I don't know how i'd feel about that. :scratchhead:
> 
> Actually, that's a lie, i know EXACTLY how i'd feel about that. I'd take a little bit of issue with the exhubby that used to beat the p-ssy up in the same bed you lay in is FB friends with your wife. There's nothing you can do about the "random" encounters, but there is something you can do about the FB situaion. To me, that's just too close. There has to be more of a solid boundary between her and someone whose been intimate with someone for so long.
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


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## hollander77

I'm going through some of the same issues myself. She knows it too and it's taking a toll on us and the wedding preparations! We've talked and shared so much already and I'm inclined to have us read these posts together just so that she knows I'm actively trying to get over my insecurities by listening to the good advice of others. I'd like for us to be completely open on this even though it's extremely difficult. Thoughts?


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## RandomDude

8 guys? Mate, that's nothing. Just times that by 5 and you'll get the real number rofl: sorry just kidding)...

Anyways TRUST me when I say that this is much better than a woman who is itching to experience the wildness of life while already in marriage. BEST to have someone whose been there, done that, and tell you what, they mean what they say; they had enough, and are ready to settle. You are lucky to have her, and not to mention too:

At least she's not clueless in bed! She's had practice! She probably doesn't want to remember so don't bring it up either (unless she's cool with it - the missus told me all her stories and I love 'em!), she's yours now.


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## Runs like Dog

Right, unless she's giving you an incurable virus and/or she's decided to 'settle down' with you and turn off her sexuality as a 'reward' then who really cares? I would kill for a wife who knew her way around the bedroom in any way.


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## Laurae1967

Go see a therapist who can help you with your self-esteem. If you felt confident in yourself, this problem would not be a problem. It would be a non-issue.


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## Catherine602

Dose anyone but me have a queasy feeling about this. I don't understand why a man would think about another man while making love to his wife? It seems so crazy to get a sudden attack of jealousy to the point of stoping in the middle of having sex. I feel for the poor wife who has provided this man with 3 children and has done overtly thing right only to be faced with this. 

About 50% of women cheat, 75% initiate divorce she does not fall into either of those groups. I wonder how he would feel if she left. Count his blessings? 

The moralizing amazes me. Aren't the stats that 90% of men watch porn? I think watching porn is a sad weakness and morally reprehensible. I wonder if any cheaters are among these moral men? Has to be at lest 50%. How about married men who lust and talk about nailing OW? In my book it's amoral to think and talk about sex with other women. 

Oh moral code applies to women only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ViperStorm

brad said:


> unlike the last guy who brought up this topic and whined about it you seem to have a pretty good perspective of it. You recognize it as an irrational thought and dont blame your wife for it. I think that is half the battle. At least you dont believe in those irrational thoughts.
> 
> The other half is replacing those irrational thoughts with postive ones. Keep concentrating on the positive aspects of your wife. And remember that little jealousy you have actually creates a bit of sexual tension which is not all bad.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Jealousy can be seated in your own lack of self confidence. It's ok, all normal people have insecurities. You have half of the battle won though as stated above. You know it's irrational. You may feel insecure but think about what others have said - she chose you. She loves you. She's hot for you. That should speak volumes for where your self confidence should be. Live in the present. You can't undo the past. Worry about those things that you can control. Obsessive jealousy can be debilitating and toxic.


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## hollander77

Sorry if I'm high-jacking the thread, but Viperstorm, I can fully appreciate your last comment (and the one you quoted). Thank you. And I fully understand that these are my own insecurities about her past and lack of self-confidence that are tripping me up. She's been nothing but good to me. I hope that I can bury these negative thoughts with positive ones of our relationship and keep the reasons I love her in the forefront of my mind. 

Would others mind talking from their own experience where these kinds of negative thoughts of a partner's past did fade away (either with time or positive actions/thoughts)? So far, I'm worried to see that many are reporting they suffer about these things for years (and I'm sure their partners suffer too). It's a distraction that gets in the way of growing the love in the relationship.

Obviously, I'm hoping to hear that it's something possible albeit probably difficult. Yes, it's regrettable that I have a time crunch with my wedding less than 2 months away and I know Catherine would say that I this issue should be fully resolved before walking down the aisle - but it's just not that easy standing where I'm standing today. I'm afraid that I've caused enough emotional stress for us by voicing my insecurities already and I'd worry that a wedding postponement (which she volunteered out of compassion) would really result in the whole thing falling apart, which I might regret for the rest of my life.

Thanks in advance to everyone. I really appreciate everyone's comments, even if they're tough to swallow.


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## Pennypacker

Hi Guys,

I thought I'd add my own experience, which I think is a similar situation to Ken's and many other posters. I sure am glad I found this forum and found many others who share the same jealousies. Reading about others helps and writing on such forums helps a little bit too I guess.

I totally adore my wife, she's my best friend, my confidant and the best lover I could wish for. I want to be with her every minute of the day and can't wait to have kids together. We've only been together for 10 months, but it's been an intense 10 months. On one of the first occasions we were together, and where we weren't expecting to fall in love, we talked about our 'number'. At the time hers seemed high but really that was only in comparison to mine, which is only 5, and I put it out of my mind. 

Recently I read an article on the average number of sexual partners and my wife was more than twice that - since then I haven't been able to completely remove the thought in my mind of her being in bed with other men. I've raised it with her as something that's bothering me, because I can't - and wouldn't want to - keep anything from her.

I realise this is totally irrational - she didn't know me the 10+ years ago when she had the majority of her partners. Most were people she knew, friends of friends, which to me makes it somehow better than picking up random strangers.

She's said, and I believe her when she says I'm the best sex she has. I believe her because she's completely honest about everything. She also says that none of the other guys enter her mind at all and never do, so like another poster on this thread replied - it's like I'm living her past. It's not an issue for her and nor should it be. She had sex when she was free and single and it wasn't love, whereas now the sex we have is just incredible - sometimes intimate and slow and sometimes wild. And added to this, I'm so lucky she loves sex to keep up with my sex drive and I wouldn't be as attracted if she wasn't that keen and surely that enjoyment of sex is a product of her past. So why these feelings of jealousy?

I know it's my insecurity and it's an issue just in my head, but how to remove it? She feels nothing and doesn't even think about her past sexual encounters; we never run into them; she says I'm everything to her and has given me her heart (and I've given her mine) and we have a brilliant sex life. We each have a child from a previous relationship and have a truly great life and I couldn't ask for anything more. Yet for all that I've only recently had this issue appear in my head and get stuck there. No amount of looking forward to the great times we'll have or enjoying the moment have managed to dislodge the thought just yet.

Some of the things that I think will help are suggestions on this forum - and these are what I'm going to repeat as a mantra to get these detrimental thoughts out of my head:
1. it's just sex, it's not love and it's in making love where the real connection lies;
2. she's chosen me out of all other men; and
3. when we've been together for a few years we'll have had more sex than all the other guys put together.

Thank you for everyone with their suggestions and thoughts, it really does help.


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## Pennypacker

Heather856 said:


> You really need to get over stuff. She was honest with you about her past, and you are using her honesty against her even though she has done you no hard. Further, haven't you been with other people too? What if she used that against you?
> 
> draconis
> __________________


Yeah you're exactly right and I acknowledge that. But even though I know I'm being totally unfair and selfish it doesn't make it any easier. In fact she's even said she wouldn't care if I'd slept with many more girls if they were simple one night stands, because then there'd be no intimacy and it'd just be sex. The thing that does bother her is the fact that I was in a long term relationship (for 13 years) and had that sexual intimacy for a long time with someone else. So that makes me feel worse, that even though that bothers her she's willing to let it go. And that's my point really - my past is not issue for her and she doesn't think about hers, it's all in my head...

So I just need to think about it from her point of view - it was fun at the time but now she's totally devoted to me.


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## CalifGuy

Ken said:


> Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.
> 
> 
> Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


Definitely different strokes for different folks...while I take great pleasure in knowing that my wife's first love had a penis half the size of my penis, I also took great pleasure in a full swap situtation when we were in the swinging lifestyle for a year when I saw her getting plowed by a very fit guy with a nice thick 9" penis while she seemed to be loving every second of it. Didn't bother me (or the guy's wife I was with) in the least.

Of the two of us, my wife is definitely the jealous one, yet didn't run for the hills when I disclosed that I had been with 100+ women and I had no jealousy when she told me she had been with 10 different guys before me...after all, I was 37 years old and she was 29 years old...it would have been more alarming had we only had one or two partners up until then.

Providing your wife is not giving attention to any of those exes or any new guys, you should really let your jealousy go. There is nothing she can do to erase her past and there is nothing you (nor I) can do to make your/our penis(es) 9"...(I'll just have to settle for 8.5").  :rofl:


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## MrK

This thread is the gift that just keeps on giving. It's 3rd birthday is this Thursday.


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## TheAwkardChick

Amplexor said:


> Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.


:iagree: short and yet very effective!


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## Icing

My husband has a lot of trouble with this. I don't know what to do or how to make him feel better, how to help him....

Before I met him I was with just one other man for 6 years. I even thought we were going to get married. However, he never slept with any1 except me. So he feels like I have a part of him that he cant have from me. 

I dont think it bothers him as a daily thing (i hope not) but ever so often it just comes up, and he gets really jealous and angry and so frustrated and I feel so helpless. He's just as aware as ken about how its just stupid for him to feel like that but he can't stop feeling like that. 

Obviously I get upset because I feel like I've hurt him and I never meant to do that...I didn't even know I was...

So what can I do about this?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Wow, after 8 years you really need to let go. You will end up ruining your marriage over something that happened before your time. I'm assuming you knew before you married her, so it should of never been a problem.

My husband and I NEVER discussed past relationships. He has no idea how many partners I had before him and I have no idea of his. I do have an idea that my numbers are bigger then his. So what? I'm completely in love with my husband and the thought of being with anyone other then him makes me sick. I remain 100% faithful to him and he does the same for me. We frequently make love and are getting better at it as time goes on. We know how to please one another and that's what is important.

What's in the past stays in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Dead Thread Alert. The OP posted this in 2008


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## RClawson

Amplexor said:


> Dead Thread Alert. The OP posted this in 2008


I am glad this thread resurfaced. There have been so many great comments and insights. 

I cannot believe how many men share this dilemma. When I compare the OP's experience to mine I see a glaring difference and that is the fact that my W only had one partner and he was the bad boy the one she could never marry because he was from the wrong side of the tracks so to speak.

Unfortunately I figured this out after I was married and now that I have the benefit of hindsight if I knew then what I know now I never would have married her.

That being said I love her deeply and I believe I have her heart. He has a good portion of her mind still and that saddens me. After 20+ years the jealousy has been replaced with sadness and I just cope.

One thing that helps me a great deal is the fact that I know the level of intimacy we share can never be matched by anything they had and that I believe is what keeps me sane.

Would she run to him now? Naw I do not think so but sometimes when we are back in our old stomping grounds for a visit I can she her wander and bring up things that really apply to him more than me and that is disappointing like you would not believe. I hope that Ken took the advice that has been mentioned here. It is very healthy. I hope the rest of you find peace as you deal with this issue. The aggravation can dissipate but you have to work at it in a healthy way. If you are a "he man" like the OP then humble yourself a bit and get some counseling and get healthy.


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## SolidSnake

Hate to break it to you but 8 isn't even that many.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

SolidSnake said:


> Hate to break it to you but 8 isn't even that many.


I agree!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D

Ken said:


> Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


OMG, is that it??? Hubs is Virgo. And extremely jealous as hell of old relationships. 
j


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## Icing

exactly what I am going through but my husband is not a virgo.. he's aries and just as jealous so i think its something of a lot of men.... 

All I want is for him to enjoy what we have together... but sometimes that just gets in the way and ruins a perfectly wonderful day...


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## prc911

I face the same issue with my W...she is my one and only while she had 8 partners before me, none of them really serious, and a couple night stands (which I find the most repulsive thing in general)

one of the things that has helped me is learning about women sexual behavior, which there are many books about and a topic which us men are mostly clueless about anyways....

there is definitely a primitive biological behavior here you have to accept....

1. Women and Men are different, period...is not any double standard BS or whatever is used to sugar coat it...it will always be this way from a biological and sexual perspective

2. Women have a limited amount of eggs and only women can give birth to our children, thats an amazing thing if you consider how a rather simple or casual sexual event can give rise to another life....this can be troublesome to men when accepting a woman whom they will share the rest of their life with in marriage and this privileage has not reserved for him.....wether you agree or not if this how it affects you I can assure you deep beneath your subconscious level, IT DOES....

3. Man have unlimited amount of sperm and are biologically driven to mate with as many women as possible to spread their gene, and in cases the more aggressive and strong males gain this access more than weaker ones....you may thing this is BS and has nothing to do with the issue at hand, but again, deep inside primitive brain it is hitting you hard at a bioneurological level....

4. Both issues 2 and 3 essentially cause jealousy and impairs our judgement, essentially a tug of war between the prefrontal cortex (our "rational" senses) and the Amygdala/Nucleus accumbens (our primitive reptilian side)

Once I understood this in more detail and also how women perceive sex with other partners, how it affects them and so on my issues got a lot better....its always best to use rational learning and thinking, to understand the "why and how" things happens that at least for me help cope with life and lot of things....

last thing is, no one can judge you or really give you prescriptive advice on how to address this, in fact there isnt really anything wrong except for some internal misunderstanding that you cannot grasp very well....no one can tell you you cant feel this way or that you are dead wrong, you have your feelings because of who you are..its ok to feel this way as long as you dont make it hinder your life or your relationship....my W now understands fully how I feel and why and she doesnt except me to change my mind or anything, and thats the best part also when your partner accepts this from you and helps you thru it....if they abandon you or reject you that wouldnt be any good either


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## halfway

Dude she is a human, unless you find one that's no older than a junior in HS chances are she has slept with another person. Just be happy your sleeping with her now


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## Jellybeans

Dead thread................from 2008


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## Alina

You are still hung up there?
you have 3 kids together spent 8 years with each other and you love each other so whats the problem?
Everyone has a past.
She was young and wild but thats her past not her present and future so why are you worried?
you were her last one right so shes committed to you now
Ignore those stupid thoughts 
they are baseless
i mean you are hung up on her past?
at least she doesnt cheat.


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## dbc

i can relate to these post in my own marriage and relationship with my wife of 28 years. first off she is my best friend , and she i love and trust very much. in my relationship with her i have felt some hurt, and loss. i met my wife when she was 17, and i was 20. we dated for 6 months and broke up. during the time we attempted sex , i entered her up to her hymen and backed out. i noticed she was crying , she said she was afraid of getting pregnant, and would worry about what her mom would think. we dated for about 6 more weeks and broke up. that one time was the only time we attempted. i was happy just to be with her. we broke up , and she kept trying to get back with me for three months. i saw her with a guy at a mall and figured she was over me, before i saw her with the guy she had given me a card that had touched my heart and i was considering contacting her. we was broke up for 18 months . before we broke up she was a virgin. we got back together , after a date or two i was troubled by a few things. when we broke up i was glad i did not have sex with her because it would have been taking what did not belong to me. on a date after we got back together she confessed she had sex with a guy that her cousin introduced her too, and she confessed she had sex with 6 or 7 other guys. i was heart broken. i had not seen any one else since i met her, i loved her and did not want to be with any one else. we married , had two kids, and have been married for 28 years. but this has bothered me off and on over the years. it bothered me bad around 10, or 11 years into the marriage. i guess raising the kids acted as a buffer during those years that helped also. but certain things trigger me. this year has been the worst ever, it seems the closer we are together the more it hurts. this past may i really stepped into depression over this. i ask about her first and she responded ( her cousin probably had him before she did ) she didn't think anything about it but i tore into me. then i got to asking about the type of vehicle he drove , she said a white van. then all i could see was some guy on top of her in the back of a white van, in living color. needless to say i was always under the impression she was in love with this guy, but this past fall she confessed to me that i was the only one she ever dated, and that i am the only one she has ever been in love with. that leaves me with the conclusion that while we was broke up she got into parting drugs, beer, sex. she was just f***ing guys for sport, pleasure, or what?. i am left feeling guilty she kept trying to get back with me , and i would not budge, i could have protected her, and prevented all of this from happening . when all of this started hammering me back in the summer i was wanting details ( that she has never given me) she will not talk about her past , she said when i ask ( i did a lot of things i wish i would not have done). i feel a load of guilt, i have been very depressed this passed year. i am thinking of looking for counseling in the near future, i need somebody to talk too , i can't trust friends with this. i am glad i am not the only one going through this , i see a lot of men suffering with this. i am tired of hurting. i love my wife more than my own life, i care for her very, very much.


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## Mar

Did she know you during these actions? If no she had no allegiance to you. Have you had sex with other women? If yes then you have NO ROOM to be jealous. 

I know what you're speaking of but jealousy is extremely unattractive to women so ditch it. She's with you now and unless she's done the same actions since being with you then you are only hurting yourself and your relationship. If you lose those ill feelings, no matter how hard it might be, the reward of enjoying your wife will far out weight and pain in doing so.


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## RandomDude

My wife and I have our rather long sexual histories to the point we both kinda lost count, except I know that she's f--ked way more guys then I've f--ked girls most probably. I think the fact that I get really turned on at the thought of her with other guys or even women kinda prevents me from feeling jealousy.

In fact, I even encourage her to tell me her stories! And be graphic about it! Hehe, though she seems to feel sick after a while when I get her to keep thinking about it - she likes her past buried, and only remembers it for my own pleasure.

But as for ladies with a wide sexual history, I prefer that then a lady who's inexperienced. And if I was to use my wife as an example she is also extremely loyal (too loyal in fact, won't let me forfill my fantasies), a definite plus compared to the ladies who have never been there, done that.



> but this past fall she confessed to me that i was the only one she ever dated, and that i am the only one she has ever been in love with. that leaves me with the conclusion that while we was broke up she got into parting drugs, beer, sex. she was just f***ing guys for sport, pleasure, or what?


Well, my wife did it as a profession before I met her and for fun. Instead of thinking of it as "she's had other guys before", think of it as "well hey hey hey look who's the man! Stacking up against all those pathetic losers!" Feel proud of it, instead of depressed.

Be careful with the pride though, for instance... as for size, I'm also not the biggest that my wife has had. She admitted it once, and rather harshly too lol - to pop my bubble because I was being an arrogant jerk. She told me "Well I've had guys bigger then you!" and I replied "Ha! Well they obviously don't know how to use it - otherwise you wouldn't be here!"


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## dbc

random it just leaves a hole in my heart knowing we attempted when she was a virgin, & then the breakup. it hurts to not be her first , but then she gave it to any guy with a **** that she did not even care about back at that time. i leaves me not feeling too special to say the least.


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## Ayan

Ahh ..Jealousy the Green eyed monster... 

Just appreciate that your with her and everyone makes mistakes and does stupid things one time or another in their life...

It wont make your life any better thinking about what she did or how big someones els's ___ is . 

Shes with YOU for a reason..Your___ is in her. No one elses. 

P.S, Everytime a bad vision comes to your head shake your head and yell out a random letter !

works for me .. (;


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## RandomDude

dbc said:


> random it just leaves a hole in my heart knowing we attempted when she was a virgin, & then the breakup. it hurts to not be her first , but then she gave it to any guy with a **** that she did not even care about back at that time. i leaves me not feeling too special to say the least.


Think of it this way mate; that guy can't f--k for sh-t

As for her being over you during that time, no she wasn't, and you can bet she was thinking about you with every thrust that guy shoved into her. Ok that's rather graphic, but the fact is - yes, you're special enough to have her mind and heart. Some other f--kwit had her body sure but pffft - he can't even satisfy her body without her thinking of you.

It's called perspective.


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## Michael11565

Hi everyone hope you can offer me some advice.
i have been married for 25 years only ever had sex with my wife i knew she had boyfriends before we met. She stopped having sex with me a number of years ago saying to me she wasnt interested i was disappointed but accepted it. She has now started to mention her past boyfriends when we are in company with her family it happens every time we meet any of them she makes a comment about one of them and it feels like a knife going through my heart when she does this. I know she had sexual relationships with these men but she wont have one with me and i feel so angry disappointed and hurt when this happens.
I dont know how to deal with this situation i feel lonely frustrated and humiliated.


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## jjackson

I feel your pain. I'm currently with a girl I've been with for 1 1/2 years. I've known her for roughly 8 years. She's been with 2 of my good friends. 1 guy in high school and 1 guy around age 24. As a matter of fact i just got off the phone with the guy she was with when we were 24 less than 30 minutes ago. We're headed out to watch some football. Go Texans!! This is a good buddy of mine I've known since we were 13. He just got engaged, I'm his best man. You figure out how close he is. 
We're both 31. I've known her past boyfriends and people she's been with. It disgusts me. I give her a hard time about all the dudes she's been with, mainly my best bud. Finally she broke down crying and confessed she's been with 17 dudes. Myself included. You know how that made me feel; like dog$hit. Not because I'm number 17 but because our relationship is more than what she did in her past and I'm holding her hostage for something she can't change. When I look at her and conversate with her and make love to her I never have focused on every harry, jim and george that's she's been with. She's more important to me than that. My number is roughly the same as her's (actually think I'm higher) so what's the problem. She knows of girls I've been with and she doesn't care. It's all relative to the current matter at hand. We match up so perfectly it's almost divine intervention. Why am I ruining this? Why am I sabotaging a wonderful relationship for things that can't be changed? What I try and focus my mind on is who she is now and not worry about mistakes she's made in the past. I mean I've made some god awful mistakes myself. I.e. never turning down a chick who hadn't seen the inside of a gym in 15 years. Just write down everything on a sheet of paper that you love about your wife. When ever these thoughts pop into your head read that sheet and allow yourself to overcome these images in your head. If you love her all this will go away. Bottom line: there are people in this world that have it worse than you (take me as an example). Be blessed you have a beautiful wife and a beautiful mother of your 3 kids. I don't know where I'd be without my girl and I'm sure you don't know where you'd be without your wife. Be thankful; live, love, laugh, cry, whatever, whatever. But don't harp on things that can't be changed. Onward and Upward my dad always says. Best of luck.


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## jjackson

SolidSnake said:


> Hate to break it to you but 8 isn't even that many.


No $hit. Right on snake. Times 3 for the real number?? Is that how this works??


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## Michael11565

Thanks for your reply. I think my situation is different than yours, my wife wont make love to me she refuses any approach this refusal has completely undermined any confidence i ever had as a man and so now i feel so threatened by her constant referring to past boyfriends. I know she has sexual relationships with the guys she keeps talking about but when it comes to me she refuses. I am rapidly becoming very depressed by what is happening to me and i know this it is affecting the way i see life.
At present we dont talk about our feelings anymore because any time in the past when i told her how i felt and she didnt think i was correct she made a huge thing about my feelings and how they were wrong i ended up having to appologise so i could have a life again such as it is. I am hoping someone on here has walked this road before me and has some advice on how/what i can do


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## nicky1

hi guys, i thought there was something wrong with me too, but no, it is all to do with the way men and women were made for each other, men need a wife, they need to have a woman bonded with them and only them it is the deep heart longing to regain what was split off at the beginning, and a woman is totally driven to be bonded to a man she deep down knows she belongs, basically we want to get back to being one again, it is how we are made.... so for these times there 2 types of wives , the princess, who has only had sexual relations with her husband (man who openly commits to her) and the life partner, who is not a virgin but can be everything else just as well.....a woman can only ever be bonded with one man in her life, the one she became the wife of by consumation, at the time first had sexual relations, women hardly ever lose their virginity to a one night stand, it is usually a long term boyfriend in her late teens and there has been some form of emotional comittment, unfortunately they are usually too young and have no parental training or solid moral boundaries or any idea of what sex is really about,to cope with the huge emotional load of the sexual relationship(thanks baby boomer parents), so the inevitable happens, they split up, but that man will always remain her husband and she will always remain bonded to him, when she decides to make a formal (legal) commitment to another man down the line she knows full well she cannot ever bond with him and become his princess...the best she can offer is to be a wonderful life partner bcos the bond can never be made with him. this is a sad but true reality of life in a western country, for us guys who married a life partner and did not understand why her past was so hard to escape is because we needed a princess, this is why we have these issues, there is no cure guys, the advice..get over it and forget it is her past... are cliches and are as good as horse****, dont listen to anyone who says these things, so what is the solution, well if you want a princess to be bonded with you have to weigh up the cost, and the fact there are no middle aged women that fit this here in the west.... have kids, then think of them... married then think of the divorce, but what is more important? to love a woman with a joyful heart and peacful mind what a princess can provide, or make the best of a not so ideal marriage and be happy with your life partner for a wife. there is no other alternative, there is no fence to sit on.... women have been lied to be the feminist movement and the core motive is to break up the family, they are succeeding. So if you decide to break the relationship to seek a princess where are they? well for me i think the only place to look for us western guys is asia, one of the conservative family orientated countrys with no feminisation although it is creeping in, the choice is yours, remember there is no cure for the past, i hope this has been some help to you guys to understand the truth about intimacy.....


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## nicky1

ah frenchfry....said like a true humanist, you are ignorant of the spiritual side of relationships and what i say comes from there, you obviously cant understand plain english, did i not say that a wife who is not a virgin is capable of everything a virgin wife is except making that special spiritual bond, i hold women up to be the crown and glory of man, but how many men can she be the crown of, my wife is the light of my life and i would die for her in a second to protect her. you are right being a virgin when you make a commitment does not equal success, especially if the man does not appreciate that, but as evidenced by the threads on this board why is there deep issues that are so hard for the men who try endlessly to resolve just dont away, and as for the term princesses do little girls play that game when they are small, why do you think? to be special i think, it is my term because using virgin all the time is a bit dry and makes the girl seem like an object, i tried to allude to all her attributes by that term, i think women are the most precious things on this earth and i am saddened that they disgrace themselves and make themselves cheap, under the guize of equality, or free choice, ask any wife if they wish they were a virgin when they were married to their husband and nearly all say yes, bcos they know what they couldnt give him was the most special type of bonding there is, they know it, so should you


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## nicky1

if one man can be helped with the different perspective i share about this subject then this is worth it, even if some think i am wrong, they are free to think that.


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## CTFather

I understand this thread is a couple years old now, but from what I've read the thoughts and experiences are relevant for many as the conversation has been kept alive for so long. I came across this thread just a few days ago, as I've recently struggled with a similar situation and after much thought I would like to share some things I have found when it comes to jealousy of your partner in regard to the past.

Let me start by saying I struggle off and on with the same feelings. I've been married to my wife for nearly 5 years and we have two beautiful children. When we began to date seriously she disclosed to me that she had been sexually active for a number of years with multiple partners but was in the process of changing her life. Learning about her past devastated me. I myself was a virgin and remained so until our wedding night. I was willing to overlook her past and try to work through my fears and feelings because quite frankly she is the most amazing women I have ever met. I did not know her before, but the woman I dated and married is full of self confidence, strength, knowledge tenderness and love. She has been the best wife and mother that I have ever seen and hoped for. But despite those things, the demons of her past haunt me. I've felt everything that the original user and other users have described: bitterness, anger, jealousy, depression, loneliness and pain, which in turn results in passive aggression, aggression and isolation. 

For someone to say, "just get over it," or "it's not that bad," they clearly don't understand the condition. That's like telling a clinically depressed person to, "just be happy and you'll be fine," or a nicotine addict to, "just quit smoking." How I wish it were only so easy. For some of us these scars and demons run deep and are very real and as I've found from this conversation can take over and ruin your life. 

Rather than adding to just the "me too" comments. I want to share some things that have helped me with such feelings.

1. *Believe that people can truly change*. One of the biggest things that helped me get over such feelings was a story that I heard about a beautiful park and airport in my home town. I was surprised to learn that the beautiful and useful places I grew up using were actually built on land from reclaimed sanitation landfill. The foundation of those beautiful places was literally garbage layered between earth. Knowing that does it make it any less beautiful? any less useful? How would the town feel if I went digging through the dirt to find and pull out that old garbage? People would be outraged that someone would ruin something of such worth just to dig at the garbage that once was there. People are no different. They CAN be reclaimed. Each of us have some level or layer of garbage in our lives, things we aren't proud of. They are a part of us they cannot be dug up and removed, but they do not define who we are now. When the demons start to creep up, memories and feelings return I think of these images and this story and it helps me keep my wife's life and my own in perspective. It helps me remember to bury the past and focus on what's there now. 

2. *Love your wife*. I don't mean just be in love with her. Love her. Serve her and your children. When I start to be overcome with those feelings I notice my world shrinks to just me. It's all about me, my pain and my anger. Buy her flowers, write a thank you card, pull out family photo albums, plan a special date to show her how much you appreciate who she is and how much she means to you. I have found by doing so your appreciation, love and respect for who she is now will chase away the horrible thoughts and images of what was(or may never was, as we tend to imagine it worse than reality). The great thing about this is that instead of becoming aggressive or isolating, your relationship will grow stronger and you will feel closer to one another which further helps. 

3. *Avoid behavior that brings on the demons*. I'll be completely honest I've found if I view pornography, have sexual thoughts about other women, am overly stressed, angry or exhausted, that's when the demons crawl out and take over. It's strange but jealousy can be exactly like an addiction and should be treated as such. An addict wishing to get away from their chains learns to avoid the physical and mental cues that are attached with their addiction and become self aware to realize moments when they are weak or vulnerable. I firmly believe that just like recovering addicts can learn to manage their addictions, so can someone manage their jealousy. Maybe the feelings will never fully go away, but over time learning to control yourself and your thoughts do get easier.

4. *Work on getting better at something about yourself*. I find it much harder to criticize my wife when I recognize I have clear faults of my own that I am working on. Getting better at something yourself takes energy away from what you would spend on her faults or past. What's double great about this is, when you work on developing and getting better yourself, a lot of times it will inspire her to become a better person. But that's not the point. The point is to focus on changing yourself into the person you want to be. Burying your own garbage and becoming something beautiful and useful will help keep those destructive demons away.

5. *Remembering sex is a very small part of the relationship*. As a guy I can say this point is really hard to internalize. To men sex IS the relationship. That's why we get so hung up on this stuff. But the reality is (and women know this way better than we do) that it's only a sliver of what makes an intimate relationship. When I get angry, upset and bitter about how she had shared that piece of herself with some other guy before me, I find greater comfort recognizing all the pieces that I have shared with her that the other guys will never have. What is a year? a month? or a night of occasional pleasure? When you compare that with years of highs and lows. Love, children, vacations, memories, sharing everything together and being there for each other, hundreds if not thousands of sexual experiences since and every day knowing it will be that way for the rest of your lives. That is something every one of those ex's will never have. That is yours alone and it is something more precious and valuable than virginity. Remembering or thinking about that has given me strength in times of doubt. When I feel like I have missed out on something I can never have, I realize I have gained and have something they could not hold on to and I start to feel sorry for them. 

6. *Remember the negative thoughts will only do more harm*. My guess is that anyone with such a problem looking for a solution on this forum realizes it's a terrible thing. Yet still we seek reconciliation in punishment. Comfort in pain. We think somehow if we get angry or sad enough it will wipe away the past and we will get over it. The terrible thing about regret and jealousy is it does only the opposite. It's a downward spiral. Sometimes that fact is the only thing that keeps me from going further down that negative cycle is this fact. I know that dwelling and acting on these demons to the extreme will cost my wife and children and I know that is a point I NEVER want to get to. If I don't want to go there then I need to stop going down that road and get back to those first 5 points I mentioned.

I hope these things help others, as they have taken me years to find they help me. Good luck. I know first hand how hard it can be but I can say it is also manageable and you will find fulfillment and happiness in your marriage.


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## RClawson

CTFather said:


> I understand this thread is a couple years old now, but from what I've read the thoughts and experiences are relevant for many as the conversation has been kept alive for so long. I came across this thread just a few days ago, as I've recently struggled with a similar situation and after much thought I would like to share some things I have found when it comes to jealousy of your partner in regard to the past.
> 
> Let me start by saying I struggle off and on with the same feelings. I've been married to my wife for nearly 5 years and we have two beautiful children. When we began to date seriously she disclosed to me that she had been sexually active for a number of years with multiple partners but was in the process of changing her life. Learning about her past devastated me. I myself was a virgin and remained so until our wedding night. I was willing to overlook her past and try to work through my fears and feelings because quite frankly she is the most amazing women I have ever met. I did not know her before, but the woman I dated and married is full of self confidence, strength, knowledge tenderness and love. She has been the best wife and mother that I have ever seen and hoped for. But despite those things, the demons of her past haunt me. I've felt everything that the original user and other users have described: bitterness, anger, jealousy, depression, loneliness and pain, which in turn results in passive aggression, aggression and isolation.
> 
> For someone to say, "just get over it," or "it's not that bad," they clearly don't understand the condition. That's like telling a clinically depressed person to, "just be happy and you'll be fine," or a nicotine addict to, "just quit smoking." How I wish it were only so easy. For some of us these scars and demons run deep and are very real and as I've found from this conversation can take over and ruin your life. *You left out "What's the big deal she chose your right".*
> 
> Rather than adding to just the "me too" comments. I want to share some things that have helped me with such feelings.
> 
> 1. *Believe that people can truly change*. One of the biggest things that helped me get over such feelings was a story that I heard about a beautiful park and airport in my home town. I was surprised to learn that the beautiful and useful places I grew up using were actually built on land from reclaimed sanitation landfill. The foundation of those beautiful places was literally garbage layered between earth. Knowing that does it make it any less beautiful? any less useful? How would the town feel if I went digging through the dirt to find and pull out that old garbage? People would be outraged that someone would ruin something of such worth just to dig at the garbage that once was there. People are no different. They CAN be reclaimed. Each of us have some level or layer of garbage in our lives, things we aren't proud of. They are a part of us they cannot be dug up and removed, but they do not define who we are now. When the demons start to creep up, memories and feelings return I think of these images and this story and it helps me keep my wife's life and my own in perspective. It helps me remember to bury the past and focus on what's there now. *This is a nice sentiment*
> 
> 2. *Love your wife*. I don't mean just be in love with her. Love her. Serve her and your children. When I start to be overcome with those feelings I notice my world shrinks to just me. It's all about me, my pain and my anger. Buy her flowers, write a thank you card, pull out family photo albums, plan a special date to show her how much you appreciate who she is and how much she means to you. I have found by doing so your appreciation, love and respect for who she is now will chase away the horrible thoughts and images of what was(or may never was, as we tend to imagine it worse than reality). The great thing about this is that instead of becoming aggressive or isolating, your relationship will grow stronger and you will feel closer to one another which further helps. *This is great advice and has helped me many times when I am feeling low*
> 
> 3. *Avoid behavior that brings on the demons*. I'll be completely honest I've found if I view pornography, have sexual thoughts about other women, am overly stressed, angry or exhausted, that's when the demons crawl out and take over. It's strange but jealousy can be exactly like an addiction and should be treated as such. An addict wishing to get away from their chains learns to avoid the physical and mental cues that are attached with their addiction and become self aware to realize moments when they are weak or vulnerable. I firmly believe that just like recovering addicts can learn to manage their addictions, so can someone manage their jealousy. Maybe the feelings will never fully go away, but over time learning to control yourself and your thoughts do get easier. *Still coping with this one but have a great therapist that is helping out*
> 
> 4. *Work on getting better at something about yourself*. I find it much harder to criticize my wife when I recognize I have clear faults of my own that I am working on. Getting better at something yourself takes energy away from what you would spend on her faults or past. What's double great about this is, when you work on developing and getting better yourself, a lot of times it will inspire her to become a better person. But that's not the point. The point is to focus on changing yourself into the person you want to be. Burying your own garbage and becoming something beautiful and useful will help keep those destructive demons away. *This is a 180 type message and one I know I need to incorporate*
> 
> 5. *Remembering sex is a very small part of the relationship*. As a guy I can say this point is really hard to internalize. To men sex IS the relationship. That's why we get so hung up on this stuff. But the reality is (and women know this way better than we do) that it's only a sliver of what makes an intimate relationship. When I get angry, upset and bitter about how she had shared that piece of herself with some other guy before me, I find greater comfort recognizing all the pieces that I have shared with her that the other guys will never have. What is a year? a month? or a night of occasional pleasure? When you compare that with years of highs and lows. Love, children, vacations, memories, sharing everything together and being there for each other, hundreds if not thousands of sexual experiences since and every day knowing it will be that way for the rest of your lives. That is something every one of those ex's will never have. That is yours alone and it is something more precious and valuable than virginity. Remembering or thinking about that has given me strength in times of doubt. When I feel like I have missed out on something I can never have, I realize I have gained and have something they could not hold on to and I start to feel sorry for them. *This is all so true and an area where I stumble. I really do not think it is the physical part that bothers me any longer but the deep friendship they shared. Based on what I know (and I know a great deal) they were a bit more of an intellectual match. As I have said. I have her heart but he has a big chunk of her mind*
> 
> 6. *Remember the negative thoughts will only do more harm*. My guess is that anyone with such a problem looking for a solution on this forum realizes it's a terrible thing. Yet still we seek reconciliation in punishment. Comfort in pain. We think somehow if we get angry or sad enough it will wipe away the past and we will get over it. The terrible thing about regret and jealousy is it does only the opposite. It's a downward spiral. Sometimes that fact is the only thing that keeps me from going further down that negative cycle is this fact. I know that dwelling and acting on these demons to the extreme will cost my wife and children and I know that is a point I NEVER want to get to. If I don't want to go there then I need to stop going down that road and get back to those first 5 points I mentioned. *At this point all is safe I just need to work on me in a greater fashion than I have been. You do have some very keen insights and I appreciate them*
> 
> I hope these things help others, as they have taken me years to find they help me. Good luck. I know first hand how hard it can be but I can say it is also manageable and you will find fulfillment and happiness in your marriage.


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## prc911

CTFather said:


> II've been married to my wife for nearly 5 years and we have two beautiful children.


one key thing here, since no one can change the past, but you can influence the future.....where are you both in regards to this topic and your children? how do both of you feel about what to teach your children from both your pasts??

are you inclined to allowing them to have early sexual experiences, do you agree on age? number of sex partners? etc, etc?


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## The Gottman Institute

Thanks to those who have shared personal insights. I think there are a lot of valuable comments in this thread. But I agree with many of those who think that you've got to figure out how to get over it. It's part of life and love... As long as you are communicating well with each other, and headed in the same direction now, I think you have a good chance of figuring things out.


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## HappyGoLucky!

I don't think this is just an issue men have, as I have been plagued with jealousy over my fiancé's past as well. 

I have been married before. We were both virgins and he was a minister. I loved him very much and was so excited for the life we were going to share together. We had a child and we were happy (or so I thought). I discovered about a year into our marriage that he had a pornography problem. I was supportive and nonjudgmental and I thought everything was okay. Throughout our marriage, I was always the one instigating lovemaking. He actually said once that I was treating him like a piece of meat. (What?! A wife being so attracted to her husband that she wants to make passionate love to him?! Isn't this most guys' dream?)
Well, he had apparently been fantasizing about what it would be like to be intimate with another woman. And one day, he just left. We had been married 4 years. He left and he never came back, he hasn't ever paid me child support (and I have never "gone after him" because what good is that going to do? He let his career go and so cannot make much and well, honestly if I "went after him," he would probably go to jail because he can't make enough to even pay me the $150 the court ordered 6 years ago.) After he left, I even waited for him, offering him complete forgiveness and I didn't instigate a divorce until he called me telling me that he had gotten some 18 year old girl pregnant (he was 26 at the time) and they were getting married as soon as I got the divorce. I was devastated, of course. I got the divorce and continued on with my life, furthering my education and raising our child the best I possibly could. I was chaste for 7 years- no dates, no kissing, no fantasies, no sex- nothing. (Sad thing for him, he married a bipolar chick and it lasted less than a year- and she definitely went after him for every last dime she could get!)

So, fast forward... after 7 years, I met someone. We really hit it off and fell in love. One day, I don't know why- because I didn't ask- he told me in excruciating detail about the women he had been with in the past. Like everything! About the girls, their hobbies, their talents, their families- even their sexual past! So, before me, he was with 4 women, who were all virgins. 
A. I didn't ask and didn't want to know. 
B. He says he wasn't looking for virgins, it just turned out that way. 
C. He says I should feel lucky that he has no sexual pyramid (like, had sex with so and so, who had been with all these people, who had been with all these people, etc.). 

I have such an intense jealousy over all this. To make matters worse, his sex drive is waaaay lower than mine. Maybe I'm an oddball woman, or maybe it's that I've only had sex with 2 men and I loved them both very much, but to me, sex is love. It's a physical expression of my soul brimming with love for him. It's a validation, in a way of his love for me and mine for him. I don't want to be in a relationship if I'm going to be rejected sexually. It's one thing if he gets ill or injured and cannot perform- we can find alternative ways to please each other. But this... it sucks! We have other issues and I'm beginning to think that this just isn't meant to be. I really don't like the feelings of jealousy that I have about his sexual past, and I don't think I would have them if he would just put on his big boy pants and make love to me! I like a biweekly paycheck but not biweekly lovemaking. Simply not enough. 

Is there something wrong with me? Is the jealousy stemming from the infrequent lovemaking? I know for a fact that he should not have presented me with all that info on his past. I didn't ask and it seems rather cruel for him to have told me all that. I don't know if I can get past all this.


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## tokn

This is why I never ask my girlfriends about their past again I have learned my lesson.

Thoughts and pictures would drive me crazy, what good does it do to know that they had porno style sex with someone else or my "boys" doesn't compare with previous partners.

It just kills the ego to know that there could have had partners that rocked their world in bed or you just couldn't compete in some way.

But you need to let it go, your mind will make it out worse than what it actually was.

You're jealousy if not managed may cause a problem for you guys.

Let go of the jealousy and don't go prying into her sexual past again, it only will dent your fragile ego.

Just think of it this way you are the one she married, now you can be her rock star, you are the one rocking her world now.


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## Goldmember357

I think this thread proves that people need to be honest from the get go or else you are setting yourself up for failure. 

I do not understand the good men who have no or less sexual experience who marry ex party girls who used to get around and than are upset with her past even though they overlooked it and married her. If you disprove of her past DONT marry her. (There are other women who can fit what you looking for)

I do not understand the women who are the ex party girl who got around and thinks that your past does not mater. Lol your past always maters good look having a successful marriage where you wont disclose your past and were you lie.

I dont understand the women who marry the ex party guy and they are the good girl. From what i have seen these good girls marry a good guy but sometimes it seems the good guy will marry the "bad girl" (which is odd) and the "good girl" will marry a polar opposite the "bad guy". And than people propose marriage and think that this person is the only person in the world.


Honestly why dont these "good men" just marry "good women"? why dont the guy's who get who are marriage material and get around and have no problem with a woman's past marry the girl who is the x party girl more often? why dosent the guy the more reserved guy marry the reserved "good girl"? I see it time and time again the good guy should marry the good girl and it does happen. I have no idea why some people go into a marriage without even truly knowing the other person and in addition to lying.


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## Goldmember357

HappyGoLucky! said:


> I don't think this is just an issue men have, as I have been plagued with jealousy over my fiancé's past as well.
> 
> I have been married before. We were both virgins and he was a minister. I loved him very much and was so excited for the life we were going to share together. We had a child and we were happy (or so I thought). I discovered about a year into our marriage that he had a pornography problem. I was supportive and nonjudgmental and I thought everything was okay. Throughout our marriage, I was always the one instigating lovemaking. He actually said once that I was treating him like a piece of meat. (What?! A wife being so attracted to her husband that she wants to make passionate love to him?! Isn't this most guys' dream?)
> Well, he had apparently been fantasizing about what it would be like to be intimate with another woman. And one day, he just left. We had been married 4 years. He left and he never came back, he hasn't ever paid me child support (and I have never "gone after him" because what good is that going to do? He let his career go and so cannot make much and well, honestly if I "went after him," he would probably go to jail because he can't make enough to even pay me the $150 the court ordered 6 years ago.) After he left, I even waited for him, offering him complete forgiveness and I didn't instigate a divorce until he called me telling me that he had gotten some 18 year old girl pregnant (he was 26 at the time) and they were getting married as soon as I got the divorce. I was devastated, of course. I got the divorce and continued on with my life, furthering my education and raising our child the best I possibly could. I was chaste for 7 years- no dates, no kissing, no fantasies, no sex- nothing. (Sad thing for him, he married a bipolar chick and it lasted less than a year- and she definitely went after him for every last dime she could get!)
> 
> So, fast forward... after 7 years, I met someone. We really hit it off and fell in love. One day, I don't know why- because I didn't ask- he told me in excruciating detail about the women he had been with in the past. Like everything! About the girls, their hobbies, their talents, their families- even their sexual past! So, before me, he was with 4 women, who were all virgins.
> A. I didn't ask and didn't want to know.
> B. He says he wasn't looking for virgins, it just turned out that way.
> C. He says I should feel lucky that he has no sexual pyramid (like, had sex with so and so, who had been with all these people, who had been with all these people, etc.).
> 
> I have such an intense jealousy over all this. To make matters worse, his sex drive is waaaay lower than mine. Maybe I'm an oddball woman, or maybe it's that I've only had sex with 2 men and I loved them both very much, but to me, sex is love. It's a physical expression of my soul brimming with love for him. It's a validation, in a way of his love for me and mine for him. I don't want to be in a relationship if I'm going to be rejected sexually. It's one thing if he gets ill or injured and cannot perform- we can find alternative ways to please each other. But this... it sucks! We have other issues and I'm beginning to think that this just isn't meant to be. I really don't like the feelings of jealousy that I have about his sexual past, and I don't think I would have them if he would just put on his big boy pants and make love to me! I like a biweekly paycheck but not biweekly lovemaking. Simply not enough.
> 
> Is there something wrong with me? Is the jealousy stemming from the infrequent lovemaking? I know for a fact that he should not have presented me with all that info on his past. I didn't ask and it seems rather cruel for him to have told me all that. I don't know if I can get past all this.


If your religious like i am than you see why the bible treat's sex as a very important and lovely thing and you should cherish it. Sadly the world is a terrible place and sex is no longer beautiful or seen as it should "ideally" be seen. But i suppose that is what heaven is for and as you surely know most of the people who have lived and in this world are sadly corrupted and will not enter through the narrow gates.



I think you should be thankful you met such a wonderful man and be happy you two have your heart to give each other and to love each other. I read the OP and i saw where he was coming from (i am a guy) and i tried to put myself in his shoes and i came to a conclusion i would not have married if it bothered me that much. Than i kept reading and i realize that women seem to overlook men's pasts i suppose they have to as men tend to have more partners so i saw it from a woman's perspective i guess. However me personally i always knew what i wanted i was blessed to grow up with great women in my life and i attended school with good girls who had their head's on straight. I knew the world had beautiful and great women who would one day make great wives so as the year's went by i dated and all that jazz i was never one for one night stands and i typically dated "good" girls. I knew what i wanted and i tried to avoid people with crazy past's and drug users or anything i saw as weakness or corruption, not saying i hated those people i just did not want to date someone like that. I dated a girl once and i was always an honest guy i told her everything and she did to me (I am glad) i found out as i learned more about her and her past and who she was that i was not so into her as i thought not only that but we were vastly different and we started to agree on almost NOTHING.

I think a person's past is very often reflective of their current day self's NOT ALWAYS but its always refelective of who they were. From there you can get a good reading on the type of behavior they may exhibit. If you are truly honest and open you can see into a person more and who they are and if you both truly love each other you will accept it and not be disgusted or distressed you will forget it and love them for who they are now and you will be accepting of their past. The last thing you want to do is keep that stuff hidden and marry without ever truly knowing the person and than realizing year's down the line you have nothing in common and you two are polar opposites who have vastly different lives and view's on life.


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## nicky1

Well said goldmember357, and for CTFather post, sex is not a small part of the relationship....it defines it, it is the litmus test, if a committed couple(a must) have a wonderful time in the bedroom then there most likely will be no unhandleable issues for them, if they do have problems then the bedroom is where the the problems show up first at the most intimate time, and Happygolucky, you are normal, your view on lovemaking is just right, they guy who has had 4 virgins before actually is spiritually married to them all, people like to forget the past has any effect on the future but without revealing it for what it is and understanding it and then dealing with it with the right tools then the past can be left and will not effect the future, without this it always will, this reply is for only people who understand scripture from a hebrew understanding.


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## Parallax857

Like other men who have written since the inception of this thread, I too have struggled with jealousy. My first girlfriend was not a virgin when we met and I was. We married and I struggled with this for years, until we divorced. My second wife was a virgin and I was not, and yet I still struggled. I would think about the first boy she kissed (the sum total of her sexual past). They had had a one-evening makeout session which was quite innocent. At one point, he put his hand on her breast, over her shirt and sweater and she pulled it away. And yet that quick grope used to drive me crazy, which shows one can get caught up in anything. 

There was something very lovely about being with her though. I carried a lot of idealism around virginity and the fact that she had chosen me to receive this gift meant a great deal to me. Perhaps for this reason, I was able to easily give her my entire heart and then she gave me all of hers. It was a very beautiful relationship for a few years. And then it failed anyway, proving to my satisfaction that virginity is no panacea and no substitute for relationship skills. 

After that, I dated several women and had a more typical experience. I've now had ten or more sexual partners (depending on how one measures). Given all the time I'd spent in two marriages (my first and second sexual experiences), most of the women I dated had had far more partners than me and it always bothered me. Slowly and over time, this seemed less and less important but it never went away entirely. 

Now I'm engaged to be married again. I'm 49 years old. My fiance is 37 and has a sexual past. And she's an extremely loving, empathetic jewel of a woman. Mostly, I can set aside the past but every now and again it rears up like a demon. The other day she mentioned a sexual experience in passing -- some guy she had gone out on a single date with when she was 23. She had let him massage her back and then her chest. She didn't want to have sex so he asked if she could "help him out" and she, to use her words, "jacked him off." 

I don't recall why she mentioned this but it really bothered me. I couldn't get away from the images this left in my mind. And to think he'd had her when she was younger and prettier, and that there was no cost to him (it was just a one-night thing) left me so upset. I felt like she had given something precious to him and it wasn't fair. I fell into a depression over it, wondering how I was going to marry her if such things continued to bother me so much. 

For her part, she was wonderful. She was very understanding and honest. She made clear this was not an important experience, that none of her sexual past meant anything to her, and that she never touched anyone with the love that's in her hands when she touches me. She would happily give it all up if she could turn back the clock. But none of this helped. I wanted her all for myself and it seemed like that could never happen. 

But this latest crisis forced me to wrestle more deeply and I didn't give up. After a few days of intense pain, a wise friend suggested I need to have compassion for the young boy who took in values and ideals around sexuality that, while idealistic and beautiful, were not serving me in this world as it is now and not opening my heart to love. She said I should think of the little boy I once was as a victim and approach him with empathy. Then she said I need to stop trying to make this go away. When the feelings come up, don't wrestle with them; just let them be. Be present with the pain, with compassion for myself, and ask God to help me. It really worked. Before long, I felt compassion not only for the little boy I once was, but also for the man I am now, and for my fiance, and for everyone who wrestles with these issues.

Since then, everything has shifted. I no longer fear those thoughts because I have learned to let them be and, when I do, they let me be. In other words, I now know how to let them go (but without force and without any effort to make them go away). Each time I do this, I'm returned to the reality that my fiance is a wonderful woman with a heart of gold who loves me and that I am the love of her life. And since those old thoughts have nothing to grasp onto, they don't come around very often. 

I've read through this entire thread and registered as a user in order to help others who struggle in this way. I was surprised to see how many men like me there are. I had kind of thought myself a freak. Apparently not. But most of you are so much younger, with so many years ahead. So you, unlike me, don't have to wait until you're nearly 50 years old to get past this. The real beauty is not in sexual purity, although that is itself very beautiful and something worth inviting back into our culture. Yet it's beauty can become a sort of idolatry if we forget that what it's really about is keeping us open for love. The deepest beauty comes from love and compassion itself. For those who are inclined to think in these terms, beauty comes from our connection to God (or to true self if you prefer, which is our deep connection to everyone and everything).

So my advice is, when you have difficult thoughts around your partner's past, think of the child you were who took on the ideals that give rise to your pain. Know that not everyone thinks this way. Know that your ideals are very beautiful. Know that they're not a great fit in our modern culture. Have compassion for yourself. Let the difficult feelings be. Know they are a reflection of your beauty. Don't try to change them. Just watch them and see what happens. Ask God or spirit or the universe or your intuition to guide you. And let go. 

Know that with patience and compassion, you will see the deeper truth. I don't know what that will be for you. Perhaps you will be guided to see that what's best is to leave your partner and find a virgin. I don't rule that out. If that's what you need, it's what you need and there's nothing wrong with it. But I can truly say it's not what I need. If I were 20, maybe I would. But at almost 50, that wouldn't feel like the deepest truth. 

I also want to say how much I admire those men who, unlike me, never found their virgin and yet still managed to turn their hearts to their wives and love them completely. What courage that must have taken. 

Finally, wherever you (the person reading these words) are with this, I send you love and I wish you God's blessings.


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## gareth

I need help letting go too. My wife was raped very young and ended up in many drunken blacked out states that resulted in similar situations.

When I met my wife 11 years ago I had only a 3 year relationship (that I didn't have sex in) and another separate one-night stand under my belt. I wish I could have meaningless sex with women, but that night proved to me I require a deep loving connection.

At first my wife and I had great sex, but something was void and when I questioned her on it she went into therapy. Then the sex ended, she has been healing, and now that things are starting to improve -- I am the one with the problem.

I turned down many opportunities to sleep with women that had impaired judgement and I not only feel that I am better that the douche bags that took advantage of my wife -- I want to kill them. 

I don't judge her, I judge them. The hate is so great my body shakes violently like the beginning stages of hypothermia when I think about it. Even right now as I type. A therapist said it was a form of anxiety.

I feel that my wife has been getting through it, and now my intense emotions are holding us back. I need to let go, I just don't know how.


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## Jack29

Talking from experience:

When with a girl who has had a lot of partners or been around or however you want to put it, i have not felt jealous, jealousy is only skin deep because what really drove me mad was the thought of: "How could she have done that?" or "how does she simply walk into a bar or whatever place and picks up a guy and screws him?!" thats what it really is about it doesnt matter if the other guy was bigger or smaller than me or whatever it is the casual attitude of my partner to sex that causes insecurities.

What i don't know is: Do these people really change? What if it is all part of their plan? I will fool around until x age and than settle down? Is this changing?


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## SimplyAmorous

Jack29 said:


> Talking from experience:
> 
> When with a girl who has had a lot of partners or been around or however you want to put it, i have not felt jealous, jealousy is only skin deep because what really drove me mad was the thought of: "How could she have done that?" or "how does she simply walk into a bar or whatever place and picks up a guy and screws him?!" thats what it really is about it doesnt matter if the other guy was bigger or smaller than me or whatever it is the casual attitude of my partner to sex that causes insecurities.
> 
> What i don't know is: Do these people really change? What if it is all part of their plan? I will fool around until x age and than settle down? Is this changing?


This is how my husband & some men feel on this ...he has never been one to engage in "casual sex" ....sounds similar to your thoughts...



> The higher the # of sexual partners ~ if she is still single after many yrs/ broken relationships......not finding "Lasting love" that is sustainable, in the back of his mind - the more likelihood something is seriously wrong with her.... whether it be:
> 
> 1. *Her bad choices* *in men.*
> 2. *Why is noone sweeping her off her feet wanting to commit * .... or
> 3. *She is just in it for the pleasurable BANG & has little or no interest in a lifelong commitment & settling down*.


Very heated thread here with a variety of views >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...why-i-say-persons-sexual-history-matters.html

.


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## pastflame

I suffer similar thoughts and haunting images of my wife's past, we have been together 5 years, married 2 years, she has a teenage child from an other marriage.

I came from a one person relationship that lasted 28 years and hit the dating seen 6 months before meeting my wife, she was my first date in almost 30 years!

needless to say over the last few years now I relized how things have changed and how naive I was to the "new" age of relationships, I came from a small town raised on Christian beliefs, I met my wife in the city, she was born in Asia and definitely gained very different values and beliefs long before I did.

Our relation was a whirlwind, I fell in love with her at first sight (the naive part of me) we moved in together with in 4 months and engaged after a year.

Now I am not entirely stupid and with out a defencive guard, I did and do have some priorities of what I expect from people, respect and honesty is at the top of the list! because I fell for her so fast and hard, I believe I did let my guard down and tended to automatically trust.

So, in the beginning I asked her some questions about her past, she told me her and her ex husband had problems, grew apart and divorced, she said she did some dating over a 4 yr period between him and me but nothing special nothing lasting? I asked how many guys she had been with romantically, she said 4.

That satisfied my curiosities at that time, I felt I was with someone that was reserved and cautious about the second time around and relationships...perfect! Hmmmm!

Well fast forwarding to today, I have found out things were not so simple and far from the truth, yes most of my findings were through snooping and digging, e-mails, old phones with old texts still in them an old picture CD and some old letters!! also a few late night card games with a couple in laws that got loosed lipped after a couple beer only confirmed my findings.

Truth is she did have issues with her husband alright, she fell for the tenant they had in the basement while her husband worked night shift! that same guy she moved out with got pregnant and had an abortion, since that pint and meeting me she has 8 more guys that I know of and was very promiscuous and flirtatious. 

I have never confronted her with the affair, abortion or more guys than she admitted, but I did drop some hints and asked some questions if she had ever done anything like that useing someone else as an example, she denied everything except when we were arguing she admitted to making a mistake and got pregnant! besides that her mouth is shut about the rest and she denies anything like that and is a hypocrite by saying that people that do that are low life's!! 

so ya I have these haunting images and ghosts in my head all the time, she knows a have some but she dose not know I know a whole bunch more, she thinks it is just the fact that she had relationships before me, and tells me I am old fashioned and need to live in the 21st century!
I have been to counseling, it helped some, but not entirely, I guess I am a sofly since I cant bring myself to drop the bombshell and expose everything I know, I know this will hurt her, we will fight for a long time and it may cause irreparable damage, problem is we love each other and I would rather live with my silence than with out her (at least at this point in my life!)

Now to the critics, yes I have heard all the old sayings, dont be insecure! live in the 21st century! she is with you now the rest meant nothing! you are the one she loves! blah, blah, blah,.... I find these all excuses, people will come up with this crap when they are defending "THEIR" lifestyles to deflect peoples opinions of them or to save their own dignities, if I had a dollar for every time I have herd someone say "dont judge me" what a load of crap!

So thats my rant, to the people out there that have gone or going through this, it ain't easy, dont let the free spirits tell you it is no big deal, emotions and feelings run deep and sometimes you cant just snap your fingers and it go's away, people have to be responsible for their actions and sometime they have to face then with consequences!! yup some more bad words, being "responsible".


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## drbob4591

Just curious about the original post are you still having these thoughts and issues? I would have thought I wrote this as I'm going through this with my fiance ? I mean almost word for word your post is so what I have been experiencing. If not what helped ?

Thanks


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## mixeduk

I've discovered this thread and read it with great interest after having similar issues myself. It's some comfort that I'm not alone.
I've been married to my wife for 13 years, and we've been together 18 years. 
I made, what I perceive to be a mistake right at the beginning when were 'dating' asking her about previous boyfriends and past relationships, and even now it's still eating me up, from time to time. 
I can go long lengths of time with no concerns then something will trigger my feelings of jealousy.
I have no concerns whatsoever of her relationships, just that SINGLE one-night stand she had on holiday when she was 18-19 (before I knew she even existed).For the record my wife is is the 4th women Ive 'slept' with and the 5th was 'sexual-encounter'. She said her's was 11 including 2 one night stands.
My wife did, when I first asked, say she had 2 one-night stands. I dismissed the second as she said she slept with the guy and he never called her. She is cautious with her language but did refer the guy as a "f*****g w****r".
Also she said, when I was (unfairly) quizzing her that "You dont know how many times I sat by the phone, crying, waiting for it too ring".
It's completely illogical but incredibly destructive. Like most guys here the thoughts are total self-destruction. We have talked about it and, I hate to admit it, my response wasnt very grown-upo and left her feeling devalued. Something I am truly ashamed of.
What is it about the one night stand? Is it she gave herself up for 'casual' sex so easily?
Is it the tip of the iceberg, is she hiding more? I want to ask more questions but know it would have the opposite effect and cause more problems.
In my mind I have created a 'monster', a real **** and I hate myself for it.
I want to forget and move on but its not so easy. 
In my mind (she tells me I have an active imagination) I play over so many scenarios of her having amazing sex with some great stud. 
Its easy for to her say but I never had a one-night stand.(my encounter was with a girl who'd I'd been dating for months but it never went all the way)
I did have some 'opportunities' but chose to ignore them, taking the morale high-ground.

On the original OP's thing about size, I also asked her in the early days had she been with anyone 'bigger', she said she had but the sex was too painful. Strangely enough that doesn't bother me, our sex life has always been good and both of us are genuinely satisfied. 

When I talk or see other girls/women talking about numerous partners, one-stands etc I don't care, its their life and their past, but my wife is my wife. This is irrational (unfair) possession (which I know is wrong)

I have been to seen my GP (Doctor here in the UK) and has started a process to get me on to some counselling. I am so relieved, I need to sort this out. As I told my wife about my comments on her past "It's not you personally, if I was with someone else I'd feel the same"
The issue is with me and I need to get to the bottom of it. 
In my mind I have 'built a bridge' that connects the woman I love to the one I never knew. Its as if I am connecting my wife and that that teenage girl together like they are one and the present is her past. (Does that make sense?)
I hope others out there draw comfort from this.

One final thing, we'd been together for only 7 months when she hinted that she would propose the following year (as it was a Leap Year). I felt more secure at that suggestion than I'd ever known. The thought that I was good enough for her to propose to was a real 'Wow', it took a shining steel sword to my demons. She did propose and I accepted.
What has changed over they years? I now say that "You only married me because you'll do". A comment she rejects outright by saying I'm the right one for her and always will be. "If I didn't love you I'd have left a long time ago" (a comment directed squarely at the jaw of my jealousy quizzing)
I forgot to add to my above post, we're both in our 40's and I have no reason to suspect my wife has ever been behind my back. I had my moments (like most do) when I wonder and these thoughts have fizzled out.


I accept that the 'monster' is in my head and therefore its me, but the thought processes are killing me and I cant wait for my counselling to start. 
I have toyed with the idea of walking out but I know I'd only take the problem with me. 
Counselling for me.

Good luck all.


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## Thunder7

I started a thread of this nature a few weeks ago, titles 'A Possible Haunting Past'. I am still dealing with these thoughts, even though we have had a successful almost 22 year marriage thus far. In short, my issue was I recently found out that she may have not been truthful about her 'number' all those many years ago, and it may be much higher than I could have ever expected, considering how she portrays herself as sexually naive. 

On that thread I was warned over and over again not to bring it up because it can only cause problems. So far, I have not. That doesn't mean those thoughts are going away. And some days are unbearable. At some point I'm sure I will. But it would have to be done in a non confrontational way. Until then, the internal struggle continues.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Here is how I see it. When the two of you are dating, it is good to talk about your pasts to get an idea of if the two of you are compatible. Assuming you two can be candid about your pasts, if you marry then it is assumed that you were OK with the past relationships and should no longer dwell on them.

In situations where you were deceived and later found out, I suppose that is trickier and it should be weighed on how good the rest of the relationship is.


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## mixeduk

Thunder, I know exactly how you feel. One of my concerns is the number may not be truly accurate. (I can feel my stomach somersault and legs tremble even as I type this).
I have to find a way to stop me trying to dig more. All will be met with a closed door as I was horribly intrusive in the early days, asking all kinds of questions, some not so pleasant. 
I know how you feel about some days being so unbearable, it feels its driving me insane. It totally consumes me and therefore I just feel my life is in suspension.
What also hurts is that she says "You can't accept I had a life before you". That is true and why I shouldn't push. I can't change anything and her day to day honesty in all matters is always direct and sometimes brutal.
I have more questions but they will only lead to more.
Its so self-destructive.
If I left this marriage I know I'd go through the same jealous feelings all over, which is why I have to accept the problem lies with me.



When I first asked these questions 18 years ago on the telephone I asked how many, she said 11 and a couple of 1 night stands. My immediate reaction was "I can't cope with this" at which she began to cry and said "Please don't, please" 
I felt so sorry because I'd also heard of how guys had treated her badly, not calling, being mean to her etc.

Sometimes I feel I have 'sucker' on my forehead. 
Like I said earlier, I have no reason to believe she has ever been anything other than loyal (we all have the odd twinge of doubt). Our ground rules from the very beginning were no infidelity would be tolerated. Her father left her mother when she was 12 y/o and she was devastated and I know she has insecurities too, but hides it well. She hated it when I was 35 y/o as that was the age her father left and she confided that she thought I'd "trade her in for a younger model". Occasionally her insecurities will slip, like the time I received a text message at 8am. She blurted out "Who is that at this time of the today" I was genuinely shocked. 

Two sides to every story I guess.

One more thing, we are all guilty of putting our spouses on a pedestal and imagine them having an almost virginal existence. We don't want to see it any other way. Too much romance I guess. (That hurt to say)
There's going to be a whole generation now having to grow up with pics of their new partners who thought it'd be cool to post pics of themselves on any number of websites. Ouch!


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## tryingtobebetter

I have had problems with unhappy thoughts about the past (still do occasionally) though mine centre rather on an unhappy childhood as a result of being abandoned as a 10 year old child.

I think dwelling on bad things from the past is only of value if you learn lessons from it. Otherwise it is just a way of making yourself miserable. 

Life is best lived in the present. Build good memories now for the time when you may be so old and weak that all you can do is sit and relive the memories.


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## mixeduk

trytingtodobetter - a sound bit of advice. Unfortunately at this exact moment I can't see that far ahead. I want to quiz her again, was she telling me the truth all those years ago. If not then think I want a divorce despite having 18 good yrs together. It goes against everything I typed earlier but right this minute I'm in a real pit of despair. - huge downer.


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## mixeduk

Well, I made the mistake of saying to my wife tonight about numbers and she quite rightly, and curtly was quite abrupt when she said 
"I'm not talking about it, we've been through it before"
As I said before, we did at the very beginning, 18 yrs ago and her honesty was 'abused' by my horrible questioning and implications. 
I then told her my fears were she had a better life before she met me.
Her answer "In your mind" just as she'd said in the early days, "If my life was so good why am I not still leading it now" and tonight she 'reminded' me "I've loved you since I first met you" 

I guess my marriage is more important than my jealousy and low self-esteem so no more talk until I get to my counselling. Some people never even get 18 yrs of true love and others get 70 yrs. Count my blessings and appreciate it when she says "You're the most important thing"

Am I waffling, maybe, but, like most here my head is so full of rubbish, like a ball of twine with no beginning or end. 
I know from so many years that when i feel good in myself the past doesn't bother me. It's irrelevant, I have a past too.
If I can get counselling, then anyone can. 
The day before I went to my doctor I was insisting that 23 y/o with a bit of paper doesn't know my mind. The next day I made an appointment. I need help and feel better I asked.


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## tryingtobebetter

Be patient. We can all be irrational sometimes. She loves you. You love her. That is why you are together.

Good luck.


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## DaveGil

My first post and very difficult for me to write this. It is long and I apologize for this, but I feel it's important to set the baseline to get a somewhat better understanding of the situation.

I have been married for 15+ years. My wife and I were together for nearly 2.5 years before we got married. 

I met here at work while in college when she was 21.5 and I was 22.5. We talked a lot at work and became friendly. After we had know each other for a few months I asked her out and we went to a park and had a nice time, however I couldn't get a read on her whether she liked me as a potential boyfriend. She was somewhat aloof and cautious yet also very friendly to me. I would call her and she wouldn't always call me back, yet when we saw each other there was never any awkwardness and I felt she went out of her way to speak to me. I developed a very strong crush on her at this time.

After several weeks of this she came to a party that I had. When she was leaving I walked her to her car and tried to kiss her and she said she just wanted to be friends. I was devastated. I didn't see her for a few weeks because I went home for break and when I saw her again we still seemed to be on good terms despite her rebuffing me. Over the next 8 or 9 months we still worked together and spent time together with other friends in a group setting going out to bars and hanging out, however everything was platonic. 

I was then told by a friend of hers that she really liked me. I was shocked but elated. We hung out together a few more times one on one and everything was fine but still nothing happened. Then she asked me if I wanted to go to a night club that had good live music and I accepted. We went and came back to her apartment. After hanging out for a while (still nothing had happened, not even a kiss) that night she asked me if I wanted to come up to her room. I was surprised but obviously thrilled. 

We ended up having sex and have been together ever since. During our dating period I initially found her to be very sexually inexperienced. She claimed however that she had had a number of partners (8), most of whom had been 1 night stands. She also told me some troubling things about losing her virginity to a guy she hardly knew in high school, performing oral sex in a group setting, etc. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I had been around the block and had tons of friends including girls at the time and I had never met a more seeming "innocent" girl at that age, which was a big part of her allure for me. This bothered me tremendously because from the get go I really cared for her and viewed her as marriage material, but these things ate me up.

Here is where it gets interesting. I found out that most of the things she had been telling me were lies. She was embarrassed about a lack of a past (she came from a very strict ethnic family and wasn't allowed to date or go to parties in high school or most of college). She said that the other girls she was friends with would constantly talk about boyfriends, etc. and she felt very inadequate and like the ugly duckling (she was actually a very attractive girl) and she just wanted to fit in so making up a few stories seemed harmless. I did know some of her friends fairly well and they were not shy about their sexuality so I could see where she would feel this way.

We had many conversations and several arguments about the things she told me about her sexual past while dating as I became somewhat of an emotional wreck because I had such a deep desire to be with her forever but these things bothered me so much when I thought they were true that I just didn't feel I could get over them. I am not perfect, I had had sex before and I never necessarily thought I would marry someone who had no past dating history that included sex, but the things she had told me crossed a line for me as far as a potential life partner's past promiscuity. So after her stories started to fall apart and I confronted her, she told me that she had done nothing more than fool around with a guy she had briefly dated before me (think a PG rating), I was pretty stoked. 

Fast forward 15+ years and we are married. I recently saw an online profile for the one guy she claimed to have dated back in college before me that she was viewing online and forgot to close out the window when she was done. This in and of itself didn't bother me as she would often look up people online that she knew or had known, and was actually quite nosy about it so this wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary. 

However we were also recently rehashing old times, including our first time together. She made a comment that included a detail about our first time, trouble is the detail never happened and in all our years together this never happened (the detail in and of itself isn't sexual, but it was a reference to where we had sex). 

This troubled me and as we were discussing it I said that must have happened with the other guy you were having sex with. She kind of laughed and I said but since you didn't have sex with anyone else then why would you say that? She gave a nervous laugh again and my stomach went into a knot. She then said that she had sex with the guy mentioned above, and now said they had dated for a few months but he had dumped her. Now remember I knew the guy existed and they had dated for what I was originally told was a very brief time but was told the relationship did not include sex. 

So why did she lie about not having had sex all of those years ago after the original stories were untrue? She said she tried to tell me but that I wouldn't hear of it because I had deduced that the rest of the stuff was untrue and I wouldn't listen. In reality I don't believe she tried to tell me that hard, she even made up specific details at the time as to why she did not have sex with this particular person. 

So here I am typing this totally emotionally wrecked, all of these years later. I have a huge trust issue with her after this. All of these years I thought that I was the first and to find out I was not is devastating to me, especially after being emotionally whipsawed by her lies when we were dating. Of course the natural thought progression is that if she lied about this, what else did she lie about? She claims nothing else ever happened.

I want to stress that unlike some of the other posts here I was not hung up on having a wife who was never with anyone, my only criteria in this department was that I didn't want to end up with someone who had been overly promiscuous outside of long term committed relationships. However after I was led to believe she had not been with anyone, after being nearly torn in two by her "stories", it made me very happy and added a dimension to my marriage that I believe is rare these days. Again, I'm not perfect in terms of never having had sex before I met her. But to have this yanked out from under me after all of this time and all that I previously went through has been very, very painful and hurtful. 

I believe 100% that my wife has always been faithful as have I and I know she loves me very much, she is a very good person with a kind heart, this is not in question. However this situation has got me thinking about whether I was meant to be with her. The emotionally gut wrenching feelings that I had when we were dating have returned. The dishonesty all of these years is unsettling to me. This isn't one of those things that you can really talk about with friends or even loved ones (at least I can't), so I don't know where to turn. 

Thanks for reading and for any constructive replies!


----------



## Stratman

I've read this thread with great interest. Thanks to all those that have posted.
I'm writing as a survivor of jealousy. 

The bottom line is, if you are experiencing this sort of jealousy and bringing it into your relationship, you are destroying your relationship. Your jealousy is an acid that will eat into your marriage and quite possibly end it. 

Every time you get jealous or negative about your woman's sexuality, you're making her feel guilty. And nothing closes off a woman faster than guilt. Eventually she might get angry and resentful.  Is that what you want for her? Is that what you want for your relationship? 

If someone was to break into your house and tried to harm you and your partner, you'd defend her right? Learn to be that way with your emotions. Every time that gut wrenching, irrational thought of your girls past comes up, learn to fight it down and let it go. Don't bring it into your love life. 

When women have had enough, they leave you. Just because you're married, don't mean she wont walk out the door. And believe me when I say, it wont matter a damn what she's done in the past if she does walk out.

Life is short and relationships are even shorter. Be in the here and now with your woman, its all you both have. And if you're not willing to face your fears and insecurities, maybe she deserves better. She loves you right now, be a man and love her back.


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## Caribbean Man

Just read through the entire thread.

From 2008 - 2013.
LOL,
".._The more things change, the more they remain the same_.."

No one can tell me what to accept , in my life, I choose what I want.
I make my choices and take full responsibility for them, because I have to live with it.
The obvious lesson in this thread , men,
Consider everything and choose wisely.

It makes no sense choosing and then rationalizing your choice. You are supposed to think of these things_ before_.
After you've made your choice, 
You've got to live with it.

I am very satisfied that I chose _my_ wife.


----------



## Machiavelli

Caribbean Man said:


> The obvious lesson in this thread , men,
> Consider everything and choose wisely.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

I think the problem area is the same as with the 'Mind movies' and the 'How Big are you'. Jealousy is created by the feeling of being not good enough, and someone else did give her more pleasure, is capable of more than I am in the sex arena. She is feeling things with someone else that I cannot create for her.

'I am not good enough...', Below the surface I am actually a 
loser'. 'And she knows it, she is just putting up with me'.


You might be a loser to you own illusional standards.

On average, you will be as good a lover as the mediocre guy. Maybe a little better. 

But there will be much better lovers out there. There will be much better looking guys out there. There will be much better earning guys out there. There will be much better talking guys out there.

YOU should acknowledge that, your wife surely does know that.

Accept who you are and what you do in life, the good and the bad. Come to terms with your qualities. Choose working on the area's YOU want to work on.

Accept she chooses you to live with, and yes that is a choice that takes in account all the things of live, past, present and future and then her choice is you, at this moment.
You are not her superman De Facto, but she makes you her superman with her love. Not your facts are important but Her valuation of your whole 'offer', your whole being,with Her love.


There is no guarantee for the future, the best you can do is BE the Best you can Be. Then live the live that is given to you at this moment. Be grateful she wants to be in it now. Be grateful for everything you have.


----------



## Stratman

I feel the only time to be concerned with your woman's past, is if it was unpleasant for her in any way. 
If something gave her joy, then be happy for her. It made her into the woman you love today.


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## Shadow_Nirvana

Machiavelli said:


>


Is that guy Dumbledore?


----------



## BjornFree

Stratman said:


> I feel the only time to be concerned with your woman's past, is if it was unpleasant for her in any way.
> If something gave her joy, then be happy for her. It made her into the woman you love today.


You have enough time to be consider her past before marrying her. If threesomes gave her joy, I'll be happy for her.............but not as her husband[


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## Shadow_Nirvana

BjornFree said:


> You have enough time to be consider her past before marrying her. If threesomes gave her joy, I'll be happy for her.............but not as her husband[


I think it's just very easy to call men insecure and be done with it instead of looking at the fact of women with extensive sexual pasts being less able to commit to a monogamous relationship. Obviously the stats lie.

Mainstream advice, as seen on this long past thread, is so idiotic sometimes.


----------



## samyeagar

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Is that guy Dumbledore?


No. A Knight of the First Crusade guarding the Holy Grail. That is a shot from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Stratman said:


> I feel the only time to be concerned with your woman's past, is if it was unpleasant for her in any way.
> If something gave her joy, then be happy for her. It made her into the woman you love today.


When you really love somebody you are concerned with their past, present and future.
Collectively, all three components make up the person.
Fears, joys, pain , sorrows, dreams, ambitions.

How it affects you or makes you feel is quite another story, but to say that you are not concerned with a part of someone you profess to love life, is a contradiction.
That is why the men on this thread who are in the same difficult position as the OP are experiencing these negative emotions.
They fooled themselves into thinking it wouldn't matter , however, one can only fool himself for a while..........
The important thing is how to deal with it, and pretending it never existed or that it doesn't matter is't exactly a sensible option.


----------



## Shaggy

When I hear a word like jealous, I now ask myself is it jealous the right word to describe the feeling. Often jealous really means that you are unhappy with being treated poorly, or without the fullness you are due.

It means your gut is warning you that there is an unbalance going on where you are getting the shaft,

Being married to a person who did adventurous and fun things before marrying you, and is now boring and routine is a perfectly reasonable thing to be upset about. Jealous isn't the right word to describe the feeling.

I think shafted is the right verb.


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## SweetDee47

Next time you make love instead of thinking of all the other men she's been with focus on the fact she chose you....they can't have her because she's all yours....you are the one and only to her for the rest of time...remember how lucky you are, and cut the woman a break.... : )


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## RClawson

SweetDee47 said:


> Next time you make love instead of thinking of all the other men she's been with focus on the fact she chose you....they can't have her because she's all yours....you are the one and only to her for the rest of time...remember how lucky you are, and cut the woman a break.... : )


"Mainstream advice, as seen on this long past thread, is so idiotic sometimes."

Bingo!


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## Caribbean Man

SweetDee47 said:


> Next time you make love instead of thinking of all the other men she's been with focus on the fact she chose you....they can't have her because she's all yours....you are the one and only to her for the rest of time...remember how lucky you are, and cut the woman a break.... : )


I have heard this line of reasoning quite a few times,and I try to understand it sometimes, but it puzzles me.

If I need to focus on the fact that my wife chose me instead of her other previous partners then it implies a serious power differential exists in the marriage and I am disposable to her.
In other words, she doesn't _need_ me.

I think that's how most men in that situation are feeling.

Hence, ".._she chose me instead of the 100 other guys in the past_.." is an idealistic position.


----------



## RClawson

Clarity at last. My wife did not choose me over him. She did not choose him because he would not fight for her (Good God he was not Mr. Darcy for heaven's sake). She was waiting for him but he just did not get it. He was also from the wrong side of the tracks. Her parents never had a clue they were anything but friends.


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## anony2

Caribbean Man said:


> I have heard this line of reasoning quite a few times,and I try to understand it sometimes, but it puzzles me.
> 
> If I need to focus on the fact that my wife chose me instead of her other previous partners then it implies a serious power differential exists in the marriage and I am disposable to her.
> In other words, she doesn't _need_ me.
> 
> I think that's how *most men* in that situation are feeling.
> 
> Hence, ".._she chose me instead of the 100 other guys in the past_.." is an idealistic position.


Should your wife focus on the women that you had before her or should she be happy that you chose her?

I am asking this because you put MOST MEN and not men and/or women. Putting it that way makes it sound like an insecurity issue with some men who have a problem with this.


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## dbc

SweetDee47 said:


> Next time you make love instead of thinking of all the other men she's been with focus on the fact she chose you....they can't have her because she's all yours....you are the one and only to her for the rest of time...remember how lucky you are, and cut the woman a break.... : )


that sounds easy and nice , but doe's very little for hurt and pain.
if only it was that easy.


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## tulsy

dbc said:


> that sounds easy and nice , but doe's very little for hurt and pain.
> if only it was that easy.


So then why'd you marry her?

If you wanted your wife to be a virgin, shoulda' married a virgin.

I don't get it....why would you marry her if you are so caught up in her past sex life? Why would you look at her AFTER you chose to marry her and think of her as dirty or unclean?


----------



## Caribbean Man

anony2 said:


> Should your wife focus on the women that you had before her or should she be happy that you chose her?
> 
> I am asking this because you put MOST MEN and not men and/or women. Putting it that way makes it sound like an insecurity issue with some men who have a problem with this.


At the beginning of our relationship, that was a MAJOR hurdle that we had to get over.
And guess what?
I helped her get over it, like any loving partner should.

I NEVER told her that she was;" _lucky that I chose her_ ". In fact, I let her know how honoured I was to have her trust , given my past.


----------



## Goldmember357

Caribbean Man said:


> I have heard this line of reasoning quite a few times,and I try to understand it sometimes, but it puzzles me.
> 
> If I need to focus on the fact that my wife chose me instead of her other previous partners *then it implies a serious power differential exists in the marriage *and I am disposable to her.
> In other words, she doesn't _need_ me.
> 
> I think that's how most men in that situation are feeling.
> 
> Hence, ".._she chose me instead of the 100 other guys in the past_.." is an idealistic position.


:iagree:

Exactly! I never understood that saying "she chose you" it seems so loaded as if the individual being chosen is being "blessed".

I have never been in OP position, and I argue that people should share everything (just about) and be open about their pasts. Couples should be on the same page or else you get so many of the problems we see on this forum.


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## Iwant2know

Sorry for being so long.

Married for 23 years with 3 boys at 22, 19 and 16 with my wife. We truly love each other and have a very close relationship. However, I still struggle today, like many on this post over the fact that my wife was sexually active before our marriage. She had two long term boyfriends in high school who were the marrying type and both of them have been married only once as us for around twenty years each. After high school, she was abstinent during her first year of college and did not become active again until she met me. She was smitten with me before I was with her. We started hot and heavy and cohabitated for almost a year before we were married. Very early in the relationship, she told me of her exes and I did not give much thought of it in the beginning. Being only 20 when we first met, marriage was not on my mind, however I was surrounded by thousands of beautiful eligible ladies at a major university and did not pursue one after meeting my future wife. 

Early in our relationship she came to me in the bedroom late one night as I was asleep to tell me that she ended a long distant/phone relationship with her 2nd boyfriend that was started again before I came into the picture. He was over a 1,000 miles away in college, so nothing physical going on. At the time, I did not give it much thought, as I mentioned before, cause marriage was not on my mind. I even read a few letters that he wrote her before I came along. I will never forget how excited she was as she explained to him that she met someone and I was there in her apartment asleep and it was after midnight.
She even told me that she was even making plans on flying out to see him before I came along. He later married his longtime girlfriend from high school and I imagine he was telling her all the same sweet nothings as he was telling my future wife.

As much as I think she was fascinated with me when we first met, I think she was as just as fascinated with him. It hurts to say this now. As time went on, I was more into my career as I was her and the kids. Don't get me wrong, our love life never went lacking but I would rather hang out with friends than her until I had a career change in my early 30's. During those years I thought she was so prudish in her ways and her thoughts about my behavior (drinking/hanging out with boys) and I often brought up how she was not always so proper. I often brought up her early activities in which I think she had sex between 50 to 100 times based on information given. As for me, I was less experienced even though I was considered to be a nice looking jock. Just got a late start.

Well about the time there was a Gateway PC in most homes and the internet opened the mind and possibilities to EA/PA's in which I partook in some naughty talk with people that I never met, I began to wander if there was an old flame burning for this particular guy. I found out that she was a free member to classmates.com and I pretended to be him and gave her "his" email address and asked her to email and do some catching up. I knew that I would have to get to the point quick cause I didn't think I could pretend without giving it away. Therefore, I made up a story while pretending to be him about being in her area soon and suggested that we have lunch. I was just nauseated while I waited for a reply and I gave her an opportunity to email me back by leaving the house. As expected, by the time got to my mother's house I checked to see how she responded. Well she did! Fortunately, she responded that she "could not do that" (have lunch with him) but went on to have friendly conversation by remembering that his birthday was that month. She seemed to be pleasantly surprised that he was pursuing her again but kept it G rated as she always has since we have married. However, she did say this..." I made the mistake of telling my husband about you. I wish that I never did." Now I can't tell you how bad this hurt me and I hit the roof when I came back home to let her know that it was me. Since that day, I have often wandered if she had any regrets in choosing me over him. I can't tell you how many times we have discussed her and her relationships with these two (especially him) and how it has hurt me over the years.

Today, I am probably doing better than ever. Especially, knowing that there is many others out there that struggle as much or more as I do. Over the years we have attended a few HS reunions with one we kept our distance and the other he was not there. I told her after the last one, that I could not attend another one. Please note, I have been overbearing with my comments and antics while displaying/communicating my resentment, anger, hurt, etc. She makes it clear that there is nothing there. I have no doubts that she has been a faithful and true wife except for the emails that I started. 

Some things that I have read or learned over the years that helps:
1. We have many years together
2. She chose me
3. We have the future together
4. Children together
5. Are both attracted to each other and have a very active sex life
6. Hard worker, sweet, kind and respected
7. If she had not been willing to have sex with me so early in our relationship with me at that time of my life, we would not be together today. I was on the verge of being a very bad boy.


Finally, it still hurts, but what can you do?


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## See_Listen_Love

You are not deserving her mister.

You are messed up in your head, and you did it all yourself.

What you can do is start a new life, and be honest and honourful towards her. You have to wait what she will do.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

Everyone is giving you logical reasons why this shouldn't bother you. But it sounds like it's almost a phobia for you. Phobias usually get worse over time unless you get treatment. You need some kind of cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to deal with her history.


----------



## Kobo

Goldmember357 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Exactly! I never understood that saying "she chose you" it seems so loaded as if the individual being chosen is being "blessed".
> 
> I have never been in OP position, and I argue that people should share everything (just about) and be open about their pasts. Couples should be on the same page or else you get so many of the problems we see on this forum.


You guys are looking way too deep. Both people have chosen each other unless the marriage is arranged.


----------



## dbc

tulsy said:


> So then why'd you marry her?
> 
> If you wanted your wife to be a virgin, shoulda' married a virgin.
> 
> I don't get it....why would you marry her if you are so caught up in her past sex life? Why would you look at her AFTER you chose to marry her and think of her as dirty or unclean?


 i never said i look at her dirty, or unclean. but yes it bothers me, before we got married i thought i could handle it. it seems the more years we spend with each other the worse it is on my mind. 
while the kids was growing up i guess they were a buffer, keeping us busy with them.
it seems like there is never a day the thoughts of my wife's past does not enter my mind. she was a virgin when we dated, we broke up for 18 months and got back together. during a 12 month period she was with 8 guys. she has never talked about it , and i don't harass her either. " she calls that time period junk", and says she did a lot of things she wish she would not have done.
i try to accept those answers , but the things that are unanswered that bothers me. i don't strive for details but , i wish i had a few more insights, like when the first time took place? it bothers me because i procrastinated of getting back with her, and could have prevented this from happening. i could have protected her from this. she tried to get back with me for 4 months after we broke up, but i did nothing.
we attempted sex while we was dating, and she was a virgin. i looked up at her and seen her crying and ask what was wrong, " she said she was afraid of getting pregnant, and what her mom would think." so four or more months later she starts hanging around her ****ty cousin and gives her self to a guy.

i should have talked it over with her before we was married , but thought i could handle it. at the time i was just happy to be back with each other. but now we have been married for 30 years and it still bothers me. i feel like i will be tormented for the rest of my days. a lot of it is guilt of not being there for her, and wondering why i did not get back with her sooner.
a couple of years ago i really got depressed over this when she blurted out " her cousin probably had him first " , and that it " her first time " took place in a white van. after that i seen images of some jerk on her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

dbc said:


> it seems like there is never a day the thoughts of my wife's past does not enter my mind. *she was a virgin when we dated, we broke up for 18 months and got back together. during a 12 month period she was with 8 guys. she has never talked about it , and i don't harass her either. " she calls that time period junk", and says she did a lot of things she wish she would not have done.*
> 
> i try to accept those answers , but the things that are unanswered that bothers me. i don't strive for details but , i wish i had a few more insights, like when the first time took place? *it bothers me because i procrastinated of getting back with her, and could have prevented this from happening. i could have protected her from this. she tried to get back with me for 4 months after we broke up, but i did nothing.*


 OK.... this right here ...so true...this could have all been prevented... had you had YOUR head on straighter.. you might have had that Romance some only dream of.... Sorry to say... Your GF was so distraught, lost without you, she was in a fog... probably even NUMB...and yeah, she got caught up in the wrong crowd/ her cousin..to deal with her pain. 

Ya know...after reading this... I think the 2 of you should be able to come together and FORGIVE each other...blunders on both sides here.... the story is not perfect... but who's really is??? We all make mistakes...we're human... You need to work on forgiving yourself as well... Does SHE forgive you -for those 4 months of feeling left, forgotten, unloved...rejected? 



> we attempted sex while we was dating, and she was a virgin. i looked up at her and seen her crying and ask what was wrong, " she said she was afraid of getting pregnant, and what her mom would think." so four or more months later she starts hanging around her ****ty cousin and gives her self to a guy.


 Please try to see her side in this...You left her hanging....rejecting stings... pining for you, the one she likely felt was her "forever"... in her emotional desperation, she reached out for love in ALL the WRONG PLACES... this happens! ... those men didn't mean anything to her, she was just trying to wash YOU from her system... is my guess going by this post you just did. 



> i should have talked it over with her before we was married , but thought i could handle it. at the time i was just happy to be back with each other. but now we have been married for 30 years and it still bothers me. i feel like i will be tormented for the rest of my days. a lot of it is guilt of not being there for her, and wondering why i did not get back with her sooner.


 what were the Why's....where was your head at back then? 

Look you've spent 30 yrs together... amazing! Meant to be! You need some self compassion here ... this will help you be more compassionate to how she got caught up... falling into what she did - during her darkest hours... This is your answer >> 

Definition of self-compassion ..... Test how self-compassionate you are


----------



## See_Listen_Love

VermisciousKnid said:


> Everyone is giving you logical reasons why this shouldn't bother you. But it sounds like it's almost a phobia for you. Phobias usually get worse over time unless you get treatment. You need some kind of cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to deal with her history.


OP, you don't react OK, you are fixed on your own visions, and they are WRONG.

Please seek help.


----------



## Stratman

dbc said:


> i never said i look at her dirty, or unclean. but yes it bothers me, before we got married i thought i could handle it. it seems the more years we spend with each other the worse it is on my mind.
> while the kids was growing up i guess they were a buffer, keeping us busy with them.
> it seems like there is never a day the thoughts of my wife's past does not enter my mind. she was a virgin when we dated, we broke up for 18 months and got back together. during a 12 month period she was with 8 guys. she has never talked about it , and i don't harass her either. " she calls that time period junk", and says she did a lot of things she wish she would not have done.
> i try to accept those answers , but the things that are unanswered that bothers me. i don't strive for details but , i wish i had a few more insights, like when the first time took place? it bothers me because i procrastinated of getting back with her, and could have prevented this from happening. i could have protected her from this. she tried to get back with me for 4 months after we broke up, but i did nothing.
> we attempted sex while we was dating, and she was a virgin. i looked up at her and seen her crying and ask what was wrong, " she said she was afraid of getting pregnant, and what her mom would think." so four or more months later she starts hanging around her ****ty cousin and gives her self to a guy.
> 
> i should have talked it over with her before we was married , but thought i could handle it. at the time i was just happy to be back with each other. but now we have been married for 30 years and it still bothers me. i feel like i will be tormented for the rest of my days. a lot of it is guilt of not being there for her, and wondering why i did not get back with her sooner.
> a couple of years ago i really got depressed over this when she blurted out " her cousin probably had him first " , and that it " her first time " took place in a white van. after that i seen images of some jerk on her.


You're talking alot about how you feel. But what about how she feels? I'd guess her first experience was probably really empty for her. That, combined with your reactions right now, might really be hurting her.
Eventually she's going to seek the love she wants, from someone who can be with her right now, who can say the past is the past and I love you here and now, without some experience that happened 30 years back. 
You'll lose her if you carry on like this.

Sorry for the shock treatment, I understand its difficult as I have been in similar experiences, and felt the same way. It's torment, and will be until you realize that you're the one causing it. More importantly, its torment for her until you learn to manage your reactions.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Stratman said:


> Eventually she's going to seek the love she wants, from someone who can be with her right now, who can say the past is the past and I love you here and now, without some experience that happened 30 years back.


This ^^^is the exact logic that I don't understand in this line of argument.
If I'm prepared to stay with a person , but I'm having problems with something they did in their past based on my convictions, why should't they be wiling to stay with me and help me get over my insecurities?
In fact, he want's to let go of his insecurities.
What he needs is HER HELP, not the threat of her leaving.


----------



## Stratman

Because a man should be able to help himself, without relying on his woman to support him through an irrational fear based on insecurity.


----------



## tulsy

dbc said:


> i never said i look at her dirty, or unclean. but yes it bothers me, before we got married i thought i could handle it. it seems the more years we spend with each other the worse it is on my mind
> ...it seems like there is never a day the thoughts of my wife's past does not enter my mind.
> ...she was a virgin when we dated, we broke up for 18 months and got back together. during a 12 month period she was with 8 guys.
> ....she has never talked about it , and i don't harass her either. " she calls that time period junk", and says she did a lot of things she wish she would not have done
> ......i don't strive for details but , i wish i had a few more insights, like when the first time took place?
> ....it bothers me because i procrastinated of getting back with her, and could have prevented this from happening. i could have protected her from this.
> ...a lot of it is guilt of not being there for her, and wondering why i did not get back with her sooner....


So if you don't think she is unclean, then why is it bothering you? (I don't think you are being honest about that)
Is it because you feel like her virginity should have been taken by you? 
You definitely have a problem with the fact that it wasn't you...

You are thinking about this EVERY day, and it happened when you were not dating each other, 30 years ago....you need professional help, IMO. Please get IC.

It doesn't matter how many guys she dated when you two were not dating. Actually, it's no ones business but her own. She was single.

You say you don't harass her or strive for details, but you want to know more about her first time. That's details. If she doesn't want to talk about it, it probably wasn't very good. Also, if she has been with you for over 30 years, she is probably keenly aware of how this is affecting you, which makes her even more uncomfortable about it. That would make someone uncomfortable...the fact that their spouse is basically obsessed with their previous sex life that ended over 30 years ago. Again, please seek IC.

You feel guilty for not "protecting her from this"....really, she didn't need to be protected from anything. I think you want to protect yourself from this. You want to go back in time and save her from getting laid...vagina shouldn't be so high on the pedestal. 

Please talk to a professional about this. 30 years is a very long time to harbor these feelings, which really shouldn't be a problem for you. I bet this woman loves you to pieces...you not being her first doesn't mean chit.

And you know what? You're probably a pretty great guy. Heck, she's been with you for all these years; you are an amazing catch! You guys have one of those incredible long relationships most other married people would envy. Nothing before you can hold a candle to your torch.

Every time those thoughts come to mind, think of the romance you two have, and think of what you can do to rekindle it. Put your efforts into what you have, not something you can't control or change from the past. Work with what you got...and a long marriage like that?...hey, you have a lot to work with.

Please talk to a professional. These forums are a good place to start, but honestly....30 years of this? You gotta nip it in the bud once and for all...it's no way to live, buddy.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Stratman said:


> Because a man should be able to help himself, without relying on his woman to support him through an irrational fear based on insecurity.


Oh really?
Soooooo,
What if the roles were reversed and the woman had this same irrational fear based on something the man did in his past?
Should it be left up to her to fix herself?
Shouldn't he be at her side supporting her?


----------



## Kobo

Caribbean Man said:


> Oh really?
> Soooooo,
> What if the roles were reversed and the woman had this same irrational fear based on something the man did in his past?
> Should it be left up to her to fix herself?
> Shouldn't he be at her side supporting her?


You're talking about porn aren't you? Yup, you are. Look I just made this a porn thread!  j/k


----------



## aug

So in between getting together, in a 12 month period, she went from being a virgin to having sex with 8 guys. This is the part you cant get over, right? That she thought so low of herself, that she gave herself away so easily, that she didnt care these 8 guys were scumbags?

Perhaps this is what you should talk to her about. Why did she devalue herself then? Was she hurt by your actions and tried to compensate by having sex? How does she feel about it now? How can she support you while you work on overcoming this? What can you do to move on with this?

On the positive note, she told you all, yes? She loves you enough to open herself up about that time period, right?

Do you think she loves you now?

She has been married to you for 8 years. Is she a good and faithful wife now? If so, dont let your irrational side take over.


----------



## dbc

aug said:


> So in between getting together, in a 12 month period, she went from being a virgin to having sex with 8 guys. This is the part you cant get over, right?
> 
> 
> 
> On the positive note, she told you all, yes? She loves you enough to open herself up about that time period, right?
> 
> 
> 
> She has been married to you for 8 years. Is she a good and faithful wife now? If so, dont let your irrational side take over.


 actually we have been married 30 years. she told me the basic info after we got back together, she wants to blank this time period out of her memory so i don't talk about it to her. ya it hurts she gave her self to someone else, after we attempted, and i cared for her.


----------



## tryingtobebetter

dbc said:


> actually we have been married 30 years. she told me the basic info after we got back together, she wants to blank this time period out of her memory so i don't talk about it to her. ya it hurts she gave her self to someone else, after we attempted, and i cared for her.


It is tough when you think about bad things from the past. I know it is easier said than done to tell people they should live in the present.

I am wondering whether other issues might be bothering you. Sometimes we can latch on to some bad memory to justify feeling miserable, when in fact there is more going on inside than just that bad memory.

I console myself with the thought that life is imperfect. I am imperfect. So is everyone I know. There is a nice saying that 'out of the the crooked timber of humanity nothing straight was ever made' which kind of sums it up for me.

I am lucky in that I am confident that death is not the end, that there are better things in store for us eventually but realise that not everyone is lucky enough to know that. But I look forward to that.


----------



## Caribbean Man

tryingtobebetter said:


> *I am wondering whether other issues might be bothering you*. Sometimes we can latch on to some bad memory to justify feeling miserable, when in fact there is more going on inside than just that bad memory.


:iagree:

Especially with the highlighted part.

That's why I said that its never as easy as "._.get over it , and live in the present_.."
Sometimes things right in the present relationship are unconsciously triggering and feeding these negative feelings.
With help, the affected person can identify those feelings/ triggers.


----------



## anony2

Caribbean Man said:


> At the beginning of our relationship, that was a MAJOR hurdle that we had to get over.
> And guess what?
> I helped her get over it, like any loving partner should.
> 
> I NEVER told her that she was;" _lucky that I chose her_ ". In fact, I let her know how honoured I was to have her trust , given my past.


Then you should understand that it is not just a 'male' thing. 

Of course you would not tell her that she was lucky you chose her, no one is telling the wife to say that to the husband, other people are telling the husband that about his wife. 

Sometimes a husband/wife cannot help their partner to get over things and some type of therapy would do better than years of pining about it. My therapist came straight out and told me that IF I want to be happy, that I would have to "let go" of the memories that are making me miserable. 

Once she put it like that, I realized it was time for me to let these things go and that holding on to these bad thoughts are what was keeping me from moving forward.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

dbc said:


> actually we have been married 30 years. she told me the basic info after we got back together, she wants to blank this time period out of her memory so i don't talk about it to her. ya it hurts she gave her self to someone else, after we attempted, and i cared for her.


You formed a closed loop of thinking about this, in your mind the same goes round and round and has no solution.

That is because your thinking is not clear enough. That is why you need help from a psychological therapist.

I know it is impossible for you to conceive that, it is included in your problem. You need to trust the posters on this forum. Just like so many new poster has to do. In general those who do get in a better place, those who don't return later to say 'FFd up, I should have listened'. 

This is not because the posters are so wise, or knowledgable by themselves, but they ventilate the accumulated wisdom and knowledge OF these forums itselve.

So please accept you need to change, and then your circumstances will change.


----------



## Caribbean Man

So here's my logic.

Using the egalitarian ,50/50 partnership concept where each partner is expected to " own " their share of a marriage problem, or what is known as " collective responsibility."
Be it infidelity , financially or otherwise .

Why is it that a partner who has such an extensive sexual history is not expected to " own" their share of the problem?
Why is it that the partner with the psychological issues because a partner's past, is expected to " fix himself / herself " or risk loosing their partner who did these acts in the past , to someone else?

Why can't two people take ownership of the problem and BOTH of them work on it?


----------



## Stratman

The type of jealousy discussed here is indicative of a deeper psychological issue.
To take jealousy to a level were it is affecting the quality of ones relationship/marriage is unnecessary.
You could approach your woman about it, but its going to make her feel unloved and you unattractive to her. If the male's response is extreme, it is a form of emotional abuse.

If you love someone, why would you make them feel unloved and unaccepted about their past because of personal insecurities?
If a woman enjoyed sex with someone else before she met her husband, how is the husband's jealous reaction their problem? Its his problem for not being able to love and accept her.

Women enjoy sex. They enjoyed sex before you met them. If you feel they made a bad choice in a partner, for one night or one year, and that 'devalues' them, then what are they to you? A possession? Are you going to bang your head against a wall, and moan to your wife about the night she let some guy have sex with her at a drunken party 5-10 years before she even heard your name? Sit her down at the dining room table to discuss the time she let a boy touch her breast when she was 16? 

I fail to see the logic in that. More importantly, I fail to see the love in that, which is why in this case its far better for the man to recognize that he has an issue in the early stages and go work it out.


----------



## tryingtobebetter

Stratman said:


> The type of jealousy discussed here is indicative of a deeper psychological issue.
> To take jealousy to a level were it is affecting the quality of ones relationship/marriage is unnecessary.
> You could approach your woman about it, but its going to make her feel unloved and you unattractive to her. If the male's response is extreme, it is a form of emotional abuse.
> 
> If you love someone, why would you make them feel unloved and unaccepted about their past because of personal insecurities?
> If a woman enjoyed sex with someone else before she met her husband, how is the husband's jealous reaction their problem? Its his problem for not being able to love and accept her.
> 
> Women enjoy sex. They enjoyed sex before you met them. If you feel they made a bad choice in a partner, for one night or one year, and that 'devalues' them, then what are they to you? A possession? Are you going to bang your head against a wall, and moan to your wife about the night she let some guy have sex with her at a drunken party 5-10 years before she even heard your name? Sit her down at the dining room table to discuss the time she let a boy touch her breast when she was 16?
> 
> I fail to see the logic in that. More importantly, I fail to see the love in that, which is why in this case its far better for the man to recognize that he has an issue in the early stages and go work it out.


I like much of what you say but agree with CM that surely in a marriage if one party has a problem then both have a problem. It is probably best to face up to that.


----------



## Broken.Beyond.Repair

Ken said:


> First post here. Hello everyone!
> 
> I'm married, been with my wife for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous and I'm always thinking about her. I miss her when she isn't around (like at work).
> 
> But the thing is I just can't get over her past. Before she met me she had sex with 8 other guys, I'm her 9th. One was a threesome. She was a little wilder than she is now, obviously. I'm just so damn jealous, I don't know what to do. In 8 years I have not been able to forget about it or let it go. It drives me crazy. Every time I get intimate with her I start thinking about it and picturing in my mind her with someone else, then I get upset and jealous and don't want to finish.
> 
> Before you jump all over me, I do realize this was her past and it happened before she knew me, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. She has never cheated on me and never would. The thought of cheating just simply is not going to cross her mind, so it's not like I don't trust her or think she's going to cheat or anything like that; I know for a fact she never would. It is simply a case of being extremely jealous because other guys were inside of her, and I don't want anyone else inside there pleasuring her. I want to be able to have her all to myself, not let other guys have the pleasure of being with her, and obviously that can never happen.
> 
> She has the most kissable lips ever, and honestly, being inside of her is heaven! I just can't stand the thought of her moaning and being vocal over another man being in her. Her threesome really bothers me too, just knowing she was a little wild back then and is so conservative now makes me wonder how she can change so drastically.
> 
> We have discussed this many times at great length. It often causes arguments. I'm a jealous prick and I admit it. I wish I could forget all about it and pretend like she wasn't ever with anyone, but it just won't go away damn it.
> 
> Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.
> 
> Our relationship is awesome other than that. I treat her well, I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, buy her what she wants or needs.
> 
> Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!


Hi Everyone,

I read all entries from beginning to end and it really hit home. I am 39 now and feel so helpless. I was 19 when I met my met my wife who was 20 at the time. She was definitely a "10" without a doubt. We started dating and I was upfront with her and within a few months into the relationship let her know that I am a virgin & would like the same in my partner. She started crying and told me a story of how she was a virgin and was raped a few months before we met. I hugged her and told her that it wasn't her fault and we continued to build our relationship. Fast forward to Jan. 2014 and we have been happily married for 20 years now with 4 beautiful kids. Life is going perfectly but out of nowhere, someone who knew my wife before we were together provides me with shocking information about her past. At first I don't believe it but then I decide that I need to confront her and she breaks down and tells me that what I was told is all true. My wife was NOT raped but rather to put it lightly, "VERY sexually experienced" before she met me. I was heart broken. Everything we had built was on a lie. It's so hard for me to type this because my hands are shaking. I can't even put into details some of the things that she was doing in the past before me. Since I found the truth out, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying but I keep trying because I am so deep in love with her. She has been the perfect wife & mother for the past 20 years and I can't deny that fact but I keep imagining her naked with someone else doing all kinds of sexual things in different positions. Another guy pleasuring her, different positions, different places without protection. It disgusts me to find out what she had done before me. It makes me sick to my stomach. If I push myself to eat something then I feel as if I want to throw up. I love her but can't get over this lie. I miss our sex life but can't bring myself to that point. She tells me that I am the only one that she has ever loved and that her past was just all physical attraction. I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to F**K people just for the hell of it. I need LOVE for me to have sex with someone. I am not some disgusting animal. I feel like I am slowly dying inside and have constant thoughts of suicide but I have 4 kids that need me. I'm trying to be strong and look at all of my wife's positives but that 1 negative (her past) is SO strong that it keeps holding me back. Our sex life was nothing less than perfect but now I can't even look her in the eyes. I feel ashamed and I feel SO dirty. I hug her tightly and tell her that I love her but I feel myself slowly slipping away. I am trying to help her cope but I don't know how to help myself. I am so deep in love with her that I can't even walk away from our loving marriage. I feel as if I am broken beyond repair. I am hoping that time will heal this scar someday but I know that there are no guarantees in life. I hope that someone can provide me with some advice. I am willing to listen.


----------



## syhoybenden

Married under false pretenses. She was never the girl she pretended to be. Can you live with that? Could you ever have fallen in love with her knowing what you now know?
I know I'd have a problem with it. 
Maybe you need some distance and time apart to find out how you really feel.


----------



## syhoybenden

Say Broken.Beyond.Repair, you might want to start your own thread instead of leaving your post buried here. You'll get a lot more and better input to help you out that way.


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## tryingtobebetter

syhoybenden said:


> Say Broken.Beyond.Repair, you might want to start your own thread instead of leaving your post buried here. You'll get a lot more and better input to help you out that way.


:iagree:


----------



## Microwavelove

Caribbean Man said:


> So here's my logic.
> 
> Using the egalitarian ,50/50 partnership concept where each partner is expected to " own " their share of a marriage problem, or what is known as " collective responsibility."
> Be it infidelity , financially or otherwise .
> 
> Why is it that a partner who has such an extensive sexual history is not expected to " own" their share of the problem?
> Why is it that the partner with the psychological issues because a partner's past, is expected to " fix himself / herself " or risk loosing their partner who did these acts in the past , to someone else?
> 
> Why can't two people take ownership of the problem and BOTH of them work on it?


My feeling would be because she already owns her past. He has a past also. But there's nothing she can do to change it. This isn't a problem that started to take place in their marriage. This isn't an issue that _she_ can do anything about. No matter what happens, she still slept with who she slept with, and that is the problem that he has. No amount of work on her part is going to take away the visualization that he had of her being with other men. He can't "un-know" that. He also admits that his thoughts are irrational and it hasn't led him to stop trusting his wife in the present. Yes, she can be there as a support, but being married doesn't remove the fact that he may be dealing with a personal issue that she isn't able to fix.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> * I am so deep in love with her that I can't even walk away from our loving marriage.* I feel as if I am broken beyond repair. I am hoping that time will heal this scar someday but I know that there are no guarantees in life. I hope that someone can provide me with some advice. I am willing to listen.


I wanted to direct you to this thread....other men understand ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/137570-retroactive-jealousy-final-solution.html 

Your story is very similar to this one...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ifes-sexual-past-lies-about-being-virgin.html

It sounds you have a wonderful marriage and your wife loves you very very much....You and she can get through this...it will just take some time...open communication...I would think if she could go back in time... she would do anything to erase this - to not see you hurt like this.. this has to mean something. ....she can't change what was, but you can let her love you *NOW*....trust it.. believe in it.. you and she will overcome.


----------



## Cletus

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I am not some disgusting animal.


And clearly by extension you think your wife is.

All I can feel is sad for you. I know you can't help how you feel right now. Imagine how you're going to feel when you've destroyed your marriage over this.

This mindset is so utterly alien to me that I don't know what to say about it. Deep, deep down in my gut I *know* that this isn't a problem worth 1% of the worry you're putting to it, but convincing me isn't the point. Convincing you is. I don't know how to do that. Sounds like you don't either. It doesn't sound like this is the kind of problem you overcome without significant professional assistance, which I encourage you to seek. 

Your wife owes you an apology. You owe her your very happiness. Think about it.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Cletus said:


> And clearly by extension you think your wife is.
> 
> All I can feel is sad for you. I know you can't help how you feel right now. Imagine how you're going to feel when you've destroyed your marriage over this.
> 
> *This mindset is so utterly alien to me that I don't know what to say about it.* Deep, deep down in my gut I *know* that this isn't a problem worth 1% of the worry you're putting to it, but convincing me isn't the point. Convincing you is. I don't know how to do that. Sounds like you don't either. It doesn't sound like this is the kind of problem you overcome without significant professional assistance, which I encourage you to seek.
> 
> Your wife owes you an apology. You owe her your very happiness. Think about it.


Seems like a good reason to stay out of it then. You don't have to respond.


----------



## Broken.Beyond.Repair

syhoybenden said:


> Married under false pretenses. She was never the girl she pretended to be. Can you live with that? Could you ever have fallen in love with her knowing what you now know?
> I know I'd have a problem with it.
> Maybe you need some distance and time apart to find out how you really feel.


Quite honestly, I could have NEVER fallen in love with her knowing what I know now and would have ended it immediately.


----------



## Cletus

Nucking Futs said:


> Seems like a good reason to stay out of it then. You don't have to respond.


You're right. I should just sit by and watch someone destroy his marriage over this, while saying nothing.

That's the ticket. Lord knows he didn't come here for anything but validation. All dissenting opinions need not apply.


----------



## alexm

Cletus said:


> And clearly by extension you think your wife is.
> 
> All I can feel is sad for you. I know you can't help how you feel right now. Imagine how you're going to feel when you've destroyed your marriage over this.
> 
> This mindset is so utterly alien to me that I don't know what to say about it. Deep, deep down in my gut I *know* that this isn't a problem worth 1% of the worry you're putting to it, but convincing me isn't the point. Convincing you is. I don't know how to do that. Sounds like you don't either. It doesn't sound like this is the kind of problem you overcome without significant professional assistance, which I encourage you to seek.
> 
> Your wife owes you an apology. You owe her your very happiness. Think about it.


Yeah, I think there's a little more owed than an apology.

Not only did she say she was a virgin, but also that she was raped. She may have had her reasons for saying this at the time, but she should have copped to it at some point, preferably very early on, or at least before they were married. At THAT point, they could have gotten through it.

Now, after 20 years, it's not as simple as forgive and forget. That's a pretty heinous lie to have been living all those years. Especially the rape bit.

I do think they can both get through this, as they have 20 years of experience together, however it's not as simple as an apology. OP is probably well off to go to therapy on his own about this.


----------



## Cletus

alexm said:


> Yeah, I think there's a little more owed than an apology.
> 
> Not only did she say she was a virgin, but also that she was raped. She may have had her reasons for saying this at the time, but she should have copped to it at some point, preferably very early on, or at least before they were married. At THAT point, they could have gotten through it.
> 
> Now, after 20 years, it's not as simple as forgive and forget. That's a pretty heinous lie to have been living all those years. Especially the rape bit.
> 
> I do think they can both get through this, as they have 20 years of experience together, however it's not as simple as an apology. OP is probably well off to go to therapy on his own about this.


Ok, they should both do some heavy lifting to get past this.

I'm much more inclined to judge the woman on the kind of wife she's actually been as opposed to the white as the driven snow wife he wanted. By his effusive praise, I'd say she's done a pretty good job at the actions speaking louder than words part.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

syhoybenden said:


> Married under false pretenses. She was never the girl she pretended to be. Can you live with that? Could you ever have fallen in love with her knowing what you now know?
> I know I'd have a problem with it.
> Maybe you need some distance and time apart to find out how you really feel.


(he needs his own thread)

She has clearly been the girl the pretended to be for a long time now. So she wanted to change and has proven to have changed.

Many people on TAM would like a wife like that.


----------



## syhoybenden

Broken.Beyond.Repair start your own thread to get more and better inputs.
Many people will overlook or misinterpret your inhabiting an old thread.
Start a new one using your own title and repeating your initial post.


----------



## alexm

Cletus said:


> Ok, they should both do some heavy lifting to get past this.
> 
> I'm much more inclined to judge the woman on the kind of wife she's actually been as opposed to the white as the driven snow wife he wanted. By his effusive praise, I'd say she's done a pretty good job at the actions speaking louder than words part.


I'm not saying it doesn't count for anything - of course it does. I'm also not suggesting she's a terrible person.

What I AM suggesting is that, at that point, she did something terrible to OP.

People change, absolutely, and it certainly sounds like she ended up being the wife OP was looking for, but that doesn't excuse the fact that the foundation of a 20 year relationship was built on an outrageous lie.


----------



## Shazz1991

Hubby knows all about my past (which is more extensive than his) and doesn't have a problem with it.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Cletus said:


> Ok, they should both do some heavy lifting to get past this.
> 
> I'm much more inclined to judge the woman on the kind of wife she's actually been as opposed to the white as the driven snow wife he wanted. By his effusive praise, I'd say she's done a pretty good job at the actions speaking louder than words part.


Not sure you can state this as fact at this point in time. From what BBR describes, she appears to have been a good wife. However, it also appears that BBR was naive and possibly oblivious to what she really was in the relationship.

I hate to say this, but I think the image that BBR constructed about what he wanted in a wife was so thoroughly plastered over his wife, that he didn't realize who she really was. The "I have to catch up with my Ex BF no matter what you say" response from his wife alone makes me suspicious of the woman based on what little we know. Granted, she may have been a great wife. But there is enough here to at least reconsider the life to see if there isn't more to the situation. There are some red flags that should be explored regarding possible infidelity on her part.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Cletus said:


> You're right. I should just sit by and watch someone destroy his marriage over this, while saying nothing.
> 
> That's the ticket. Lord knows he didn't come here for anything but validation. All dissenting opinions need not apply.


One needs emotional armor to receive the slamming posts that will come our way when we unload our pain here...though still all should have a voice... just put on the armor ..Broken.Beyond.Repair..because by golly they are going to try to break you some more. 

I can see all sides to this.. I think it would be much better for you Cletus, to appeal to this poster from the stand point of your own situation...that so easily HE could be walking in your shoes the last 20 yrs... if he was foolish enough to reject his good wife over this when they started dating.. 

Some background.. that you too...thought it something special to marry a virgin at one time (though now you count it the gravest mistake of your life)...speaking out of your own experience .. correct me if I am wrong.....you married a cold prude.. no enthusiasm... and have suffered in a sexless marriage for many years...you stay for the children... so you see any man who even cares about this as destroying themselves because you...have lived it...and paid the ultimate price...in pain.. 

This is how you get this man to view another side, what he has to be THANKFUL FOR..... say all of that in your own words.. instead of damning his feelings ...this might be helpful...

If he's had a wonderful 20 yrs and couldn't ask for more.. then he really does need to consider what his life COULD have been had he married another.. I will agree with you here. But not on damning his feelings so harshly..

When people are Broken as his name...lied too, the slice of betrayal has come upon them.. I think we should be a little more understanding of their anger and outlet of that. we say ugly things.. we swear.....he has to work it out...


----------



## Cletus

SimplyAmorous said:


> Some background.. that you too...*thought it something special to marry a virgin at one time* (though now you count it the gravest mistake of your life)


Minor quibble. It was forced upon me. It was definitely not my choice.



> This is how you get this man to view another side, what he has to be THANKFUL FOR..... say all of that in your own words.. instead of damning his feelings ...this might be helpful...


I appreciate the feedback, coming from someone held in as high regard by the forum as are you. 

You're one who is big on the love languages, correct? The way to make an impression on any person is to speak in the way that works for them. I'm a straightforward person who prefers the unvarnished truth, succinctly provided, and that's how I speak to others. Perhaps the (new) OP is like that. Perhaps not. 

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with your posts sometimes, even though I usually read them. It's not because they aren't full of great advice, wonderful tidbits of a long, successful marriage, full of empathy and understanding - it's because you don't write in the way that is effective for me personally. It's clear that a lot of people do love what you have to say and the way you say it, so you're a gem of a resource here. But I am motivated by a different style. I'm not on the attack here, my point is only to illustrate something about this forum that I think you understand fully in real life. 

One of the great things about a public place like this is the variety of opinion and presentation, not the homogeneity. 

If I seemed too harsh on the man, the I apologize. I see someone who needs a bucket of cold water thrown over his head to remind him that he's destroying the best thing that ever actually happened to him in his life because (it turns out 20 years later) that it didn't quite follow the script he had pre-planned. That would be a damned shame given the number of men here who would give a part of their anatomy for a woman who seems by his own description to be pretty darn awesome. 

So I say "wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late", like that moment in "Moonstruck" where Cher smacks the guy in the head and says "Snap out of it!". If the OP doesn't find that persuasive, it can and will be safely ignored. Perhaps you can take over and help with the how, because for that, I have no answer. My intent is not to bash the poster to make him feel bad about himself. It really is with the hope of helping, if with nothing other than clarity.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Cletus said:


> Minor quibble. * It was forced upon me. It was definitely not my choice. *


 I think it's important for a couple to be in agreement, I guess it's a shame you allowed it to play down then. 



> I appreciate the feedback, coming from someone held in as high regard by the forum as are you.
> 
> *You're one who is big on the love languages, correct? The way to make an impression on any person is to speak in the way that works for them. I'm a straightforward person who prefers the unvarnished truth, succinctly provided, and that's how I speak to others. Perhaps the (new) OP is like that. Perhaps not*.


 Yes, very big on Love languages... I can be AS straight forward and blunt as anyone......I don't really mind these sort of people either.... I "get" them... I DO tone it done here though...forum communication can be gravely misinterpreted....pretty sure if I let myself go the way my brain works at times..I would have been banned a # of times...thank God for the delete button here on TAM... and you're right - a slap of cold water criticism can effect people in different ways... we don't know....

I am surely not here to silence any posters, as I've been on the receiving end of that enough myself... and I didn't care for it either.. so I hear you. 



> * I'm not on the attack here, my point is only to illustrate something about this forum that I think you understand fully in real life*.


 Sounds good.. I do understand that. 



> *If I seemed too harsh on the man, the I apologize. I see someone who needs a bucket of cold water thrown over his head to remind him that he's destroying the best thing that ever actually happened to him in his life because (it turns out 20 years later) that it didn't quite follow the script he had pre-planned. That would be a damned shame given the number of men here who would give a part of their anatomy for a woman who seems by his own description to be pretty darn awesome. *


 And this speaks much..where you are coming from...your intentions. 



> *So I say "wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late", like that moment in "Moonstruck" where Cher smacks the guy in the head and says "Snap out of it!". If the OP doesn't find that persuasive, it can and will be safely ignored. Perhaps you can take over and help with the how, because for that, I have no answer*.


I don't know how, but I do know if I did this to my husband, he'd feel similar.. that's all I know...and honestly , through my own eyes, he'd have every right to be fuming mad....and feeling gravely betrayed... 

But in it's own way...I feel for HER as well -because she KNEW if she was honest...vulnerable before him..he would turn his back and banish her FOREVER...they allowed THIS to enter as a result... his rigidity caused her great FEAR.....it's just a shame...her hiding this all of these years... couldn't have been easy....either...not feeling wholly accepted by the man she married... that's an awful pill to swallow too. ...this had to eat her inside... very very sad..


----------



## bild-a-loco

To the point of the OP, I understand your problem, and the only way I know to deal with it is just accept that the past is the past and not dwell on it. 

I was in some rock bands back in the 1980's and did some very interesting things sexually back then that are now distant memories - memories I've never shared with my wife because I know what a hard time I have with exactly what you're saying. 

I knew my wife as a friend for many years before we started dating and I know she had a wild sex life back then and had a three-way back in the eighties, and I know with whom. I will readily admit, it bothers me greatly to think about it, especially given what a rotten sex life we have today. So, the only way I can deal with it is simply not to think about it and realize there's nothing that can be done about ancient history - and besides, we weren't dating then or even entertaining the idea of dating, let alone getting married.

The only advice I can offer is to simply avoid thinking about it, we all have baggage, some of it is heavy and some of it is light. Good luck. :toast:


----------



## tryingtobebetter

SA, Cletus

I am glad both of you are on this site and I am sure I am not alone in feeling that way.


----------



## Married but Happy

What if you were the one with the past experience, and she had little or none? Would _that _bother you? Should she be "super jealous" of you? If this were the case, _how would you advise her to handle the issue?_


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## jaharthur

Those who have not suffered the demon of retrospective jealousy often do not understand it. "Get over it", "the past is the past," and such platitudes are not helpful. I've been there--I am there--and working through requires a process of acceptance, forgiveness (of yourself more than your partner), and letting go. It's closely related to OCD--it would not be productive to say to someone with OCD, "just stop washing your hands so much."

My RJ is both more irrational and easier to address because there were no lies involved. I guess my wife and I practiced "don't ask don't tell" before Clinton came up with it. This fellow has to deal with the additional burden of having been lied to.

I suppose I would say this to him: Your wife was only 20 when you had this discussion. Remember being 20? You didn't know anything. I'm betting she panicked when you brought up the subject because she was in love with you or falling in love with you and was deathly afraid of what you have posted: you would have run for the hills if she told you the truth. She wanted you more than anything she had experienced up to then.

You write "Everything we had built was on a lie." I ask you to think about that, because you also write, "She has been the perfect wife & mother for the past 20 years and I can't deny that fact." THAT's what you built on.

I have a similar situation, in that my wife's lifestyle turned on a dime when we got together. We have discussed how and why that happened (I have my own thread on TAM about whether it made sense to have the discussion). Perhaps your wife didn't put it very well by saying what she did in the past was "just physical attraction." Perhaps she was using sex to try to find love--once she found love with you that's all she wanted.


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## Goldmember357

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I read all entries from beginning to end and it really hit home. I am 39 now and feel so helpless. I was 19 when I met my met my wife who was 20 at the time. She was definitely a "10" without a doubt. We started dating and I was upfront with her and within a few months into the relationship let her know that I am a virgin & would like the same in my partner. She started crying and told me a story of how she was a virgin and was raped a few months before we met. I hugged her and told her that it wasn't her fault and we continued to build our relationship. Fast forward to Jan. 2014 and we have been happily married for 20 years now with 4 beautiful kids. Life is going perfectly but out of nowhere, someone who knew my wife before we were together provides me with shocking information about her past. At first I don't believe it but then I decide that I need to confront her and she breaks down and tells me that what I was told is all true. My wife was NOT raped but rather to put it lightly, "VERY sexually experienced" before she met me. I was heart broken. Everything we had built was on a lie. It's so hard for me to type this because my hands are shaking. I can't even put into details some of the things that she was doing in the past before me. Since I found the truth out, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying but I keep trying because I am so deep in love with her. She has been the perfect wife & mother for the past 20 years and I can't deny that fact but I keep imagining her naked with someone else doing all kinds of sexual things in different positions. Another guy pleasuring her, different positions, different places without protection. It disgusts me to find out what she had done before me. It makes me sick to my stomach. If I push myself to eat something then I feel as if I want to throw up. I love her but can't get over this lie. I miss our sex life but can't bring myself to that point. She tells me that I am the only one that she has ever loved and that her past was just all physical attraction. I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to F**K people just for the hell of it. I need LOVE for me to have sex with someone. I am not some disgusting animal. I feel like I am slowly dying inside and have constant thoughts of suicide but I have 4 kids that need me. I'm trying to be strong and look at all of my wife's positives but that 1 negative (her past) is SO strong that it keeps holding me back. Our sex life was nothing less than perfect but now I can't even look her in the eyes. I feel ashamed and I feel SO dirty. I hug her tightly and tell her that I love her but I feel myself slowly slipping away. I am trying to help her cope but I don't know how to help myself. I am so deep in love with her that I can't even walk away from our loving marriage. I feel as if I am broken beyond repair. I am hoping that time will heal this scar someday but I know that there are no guarantees in life. I hope that someone can provide me with some advice. I am willing to listen.


*LEAVE HER
*

You married a liar. She is sick and you deserve better, its not the fact she had more experience its the fact she lied. You leaving her will show make her realize the person that she is. 


Why is everyone telling you to "save this marriage"

YOU"RE a man for god sakes. Don't try push this aside, men don't ignore what makes them upset or angry they don't cower from it they eliminate the cancer and that cancer is the lies that your marriage has been built on.


You know what to do. Best of luck


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## SimplyAmorous

Goldmember357 said:


> *LEAVE HER
> *
> 
> You married a liar. She is sick and you deserve better, its not the fact she had more experience its the fact she lied. You leaving her will show make her realize the person that she is.
> 
> 
> Why is everyone telling you to "save this marriage"
> 
> YOU"RE a man for god sakes. Don't try push this aside, men don't ignore what makes them upset or angry they don't cower from it they eliminate the cancer and that cancer is the lies that your marriage has been built on.
> 
> 
> You know what to do. Best of luck


This is not the answer.. why in the world should they both suffer miserable existences, die alone sad & broken... deny the last 20 beautiful yrs...make it all for nothing, uproot and destroy their children's lives in addition.....No No No....Compassion... Understanding ...Redemption...Forgiveness... is the way here... 

He doesn't want this!! ...there is opportunity for a new beginning even...a new depth to their relationship where she wasn't fully able to bring forth before... never under-estimate the power of Love....what 2 share and the ability to overcome together.....working on your thread Broken B R ?


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## Goldmember357

I'm just saying she lied to him over something that was very important to him. Who knows he could be in a different state with another woman who doesn't lie to him if he had been told the truth from the get go. 

I just have a hard time believing that if the roles were reversed so many people would be saying "forgive her". I just have this imagine in my head of all the women saying "kick him to the curb girl!!!" he "lied to you! what's next?"

Perhaps I am overblowing it. But I believe we should have little tolerance for liars. If he is okay with that then so be it, but he made clear it really bothers him. I've never been in his position so me telling him to "just get over it" is something I can't really say.


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## SimplyAmorous

Goldmember357 said:


> I'm just saying she lied to him over something that was very important to him. Who knows he could be in a different state with another woman who doesn't lie to him if he had been told the truth from the get go.
> 
> I just have a hard time believing that if the roles were reversed so many people would be saying "forgive her". I just have this imagine in my head of all the women saying "kick him to the curb girl!!!" he "lied to you! what's next?"
> 
> Perhaps I am overblowing it. But I believe we should have little tolerance for liars. If he is okay with that then so be it, but he made clear it really bothers him. I've never been in his position so me telling him to "just get over it" is something I can't really say.


If he could go back in time.. this is a question to ask him, would he roll the dice and erase these last 20 yrs with his wife , that he loves more than Life....let her go.. to seek another ...does he really think he could have replaced THIS WOMAN and found another to compare - in his heart? 

Until he opens up more of his story (if he does) to where his wife is at in this... she may be falling apart right along side of him *??*....because she can't stand to see him in such pain.. we don't know.... * her role is paramount to his being ABLE to get past this*... 

There is a man's story in the successful marriage section..that had a most powerful message of forgiveness.. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html... 

His words...


> *Bustblu1 said:* *But just like there is a process that works for overcoming grief when a loved one dies there is a process that works if both parties want to save their marriage. Emphasis on "both parties"*.


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## nuclearnightmare

My comments are regarding the story related by Broken.Beyond.Rep

The essential problem in this one is not the wife's sexual past, it is the horrendous lie she told him, before they were married, to cover it up. At that moment she made herself a fraud to him, whom he then went on to marry. 

So 20 years later they apparently have a good marriage, but "the lie" still weighs quite heavy, as you can tell from his very sad posts. e.g. he may now feel he has to reexamine certain events from the past with this new concept of the kind of person she is....not nearly as trustworthy a person as he thought. who knows what the implications of that are.

others were talking about who "owns" the problem of insecurity about a wife's sexual past. In this case she owns it; I dare say she owns ALL of it. She had no right whatsoever to lay on him this made up rape story and let him believe it for a ghastly 20 years! Am sure IC will do him some good, but he should also should drag her - kicking and screaming if he has to - to a marriage counselor that will sit them both down and start sifting through the mess that she has caused.

yes - the kind of wife she has been for the past 20 years counts for a lot. but this huge lie she told him at the very beginning also counts for a lot......She was young and scared? maybe...but why not at least set the record straight 2 or 3, or say 5 years into the marriage? not let him find out himself after 20 years!!


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## alexm

Sooo... is everybody missing the part where she told him she was raped, just months before they got together, and that THAT was a lie?

Forget the sexual experience, that argument will go around in circles forever (I say get over it...)

But, uh, here he is, having spent 20 years thinking his wife was raped, and not long before they started dating, at that.

THAT'S a much bigger lie than the other stuff. The lying about her experience (although a pretty awful thing to do) was justified in her mind at the time, in order to keep him. The other lie was for what? Sympathy? So she got him to stick around and eventually marry her using THAT?

So she used the virgin who has been raped angle to land her a man. Yikes.


----------



## Phenix70

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I read all entries from beginning to end and it really hit home. I am 39 now and feel so helpless. I was 19 when I met my met my wife who was 20 at the time. She was definitely a "10" without a doubt. We started dating and I was upfront with her and within a few months into the relationship let her know that I am a virgin & would like the same in my partner. She started crying and told me a story of how she was a virgin and was raped a few months before we met. I hugged her and told her that it wasn't her fault and we continued to build our relationship. Fast forward to Jan. 2014 and we have been happily married for 20 years now with 4 beautiful kids. Life is going perfectly but out of nowhere, someone who knew my wife before we were together provides me with shocking information about her past. At first I don't believe it but then I decide that I need to confront her and she breaks down and tells me that what I was told is all true. My wife was NOT raped but rather to put it lightly, "VERY sexually experienced" before she met me. I was heart broken. Everything we had built was on a lie. It's so hard for me to type this because my hands are shaking. I can't even put into details some of the things that she was doing in the past before me. Since I found the truth out, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying but I keep trying because I am so deep in love with her. She has been the perfect wife & mother for the past 20 years and I can't deny that fact but I keep imagining her naked with someone else doing all kinds of sexual things in different positions. Another guy pleasuring her, different positions, different places without protection. It disgusts me to find out what she had done before me. It makes me sick to my stomach. If I push myself to eat something then I feel as if I want to throw up. I love her but can't get over this lie. I miss our sex life but can't bring myself to that point. She tells me that I am the only one that she has ever loved and that her past was just all physical attraction. I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to F**K people just for the hell of it. I need LOVE for me to have sex with someone. I am not some disgusting animal. I feel like I am slowly dying inside and have constant thoughts of suicide but I have 4 kids that need me. I'm trying to be strong and look at all of my wife's positives but that 1 negative (her past) is SO strong that it keeps holding me back. Our sex life was nothing less than perfect but now I can't even look her in the eyes. I feel ashamed and I feel SO dirty. I hug her tightly and tell her that I love her but I feel myself slowly slipping away. I am trying to help her cope but I don't know how to help myself. I am so deep in love with her that I can't even walk away from our loving marriage. I feel as if I am broken beyond repair. I am hoping that time will heal this scar someday but I know that there are no guarantees in life. I hope that someone can provide me with some advice. I am willing to listen.


Why is your wife's past holding you back?
Is it the lie she told or the fact she had sex with other people?


----------



## jaharthur

alexm said:


> Sooo... is everybody missing the part where she told him she was raped, just months before they got together, and that THAT was a lie?
> 
> Forget the sexual experience, that argument will go around in circles forever (I say get over it...)
> 
> But, uh, here he is, having spent 20 years thinking his wife was raped, and not long before they started dating, at that.
> 
> THAT'S a much bigger lie than the other stuff. The lying about her experience (although a pretty awful thing to do) was justified in her mind at the time, in order to keep him. The other lie was for what? Sympathy? So she got him to stick around and eventually marry her using THAT?
> 
> So she used the virgin who has been raped angle to land her a man. Yikes.


No, nobody is ignoring the lie. Seems some are ignoring the other side of the coin, in his words: "She has been the perfect wife & mother for the past 20 years and I can't deny that fact." Perfect, in his words. That's saying something.

I also have a different view of the lie. I see it as having been told to avoid LOSING a man that she had already landed. Perhaps that's a distinction without a difference to others, but I think it deserves mention.

Because we don't have the details it's hard to evaluate how terrible her past was. Some people think 3 prior sex partners is terrible. On the other hand, maybe his wife had 75 prior partners, committed adultery with 10 guys, had 25 ONS, many threesomes and foursomes, and worse. Many men would find a lie about the first example forgivable, while a lie about the second would be a lot harder to forgive.

He made clear that it was important for marriage that she be a virgin or at least close to it. She shouldn't have lied (by the way, we don't know that the rape part isn't true, although we know there was much more than that and the other facts are the problem). I think he has every right to be torn up and angry and distraught.

On the other hand, he could have married a virgin who turned out to be a terrible wife and mother. What's more important?

That's what he has to think about.


----------



## Broken.Beyond.Repair

Phenix70 said:


> Why is your wife's past holding you back?
> Is it the lie she told or the fact she had sex with other people?


It is a combination of both actually. The initial lie of being raped was hurtful to say the least and broke my trust but the sexual past was a complete shock that made me rethink my entire 20 years. I have been sifting through old picture albums focusing on her and the only thing that I see and feel is what I've felt for the past 20 years & that is *pure love*. She has made it clear to me that she will do anything and everything to prove to me that we belong together. My main problem is that I can't get rid of these haunting images of her performing these perverted sexual acts with others. She has never given me a reason to doubt her in the 20 years but when I asked her to elaborate on some of her activities, her answer to me was, "I FORGOT". It makes me wonder what else she might not be telling me as if there could be anything more than what I already know.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

jaharthur said:


> No, nobody is ignoring the lie. Seems some are ignoring the other side of the coin, in his words: "She has been the perfect wife & mother for the past 20 years and I can't deny that fact." Perfect, in his words. That's saying something.
> 
> I also have a different view of the lie. I see it as having been told to avoid LOSING a man that she had already landed. Perhaps that's a distinction without a difference to others, but I think it deserves mention.
> 
> Because we don't have the details it's hard to evaluate how terrible her past was. Some people think 3 prior sex partners is terrible. On the other hand, maybe his wife had 75 prior partners, committed adultery with 10 guys, had 25 ONS, many threesomes and foursomes, and worse. Many men would find a lie about the first example forgivable, while a lie about the second would be a lot harder to forgive.
> 
> He made clear that it was important for marriage that she be a virgin or at least close to it. She shouldn't have lied (by the way, we don't know that the rape part isn't true, although we know there was much more than that and the other facts are the problem). I think he has every right to be torn up and angry and distraught.
> 
> On the other hand, he could have married a virgin who turned out to be a terrible wife and mother. What's more important?
> 
> That's what he has to think about.


Or he could have married a woman that was straight with him about her past, who presented herself to him honestly, and who turned out to be a good wife and mother. She took that path away from him.

Intimacy requires honesty, which he was not important enough, in her mind, to receive......


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## See_Listen_Love

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> It is a combination of both actually. The initial lie of being raped was hurtful to say the least and broke my trust but the sexual past was a complete shock that made me rethink my entire 20 years. I have been sifting through old picture albums focusing on her and the only thing that I see and feel is what I've felt for the past 20 years & that is *pure love*. She has made it clear to me that she will do anything and everything to prove to me that we belong together. My main problem is that I can't get rid of these haunting images of her performing these perverted sexual acts with others. She has never given me a reason to doubt her in the 20 years but when I asked her to elaborate on some of her activities, her answer to me was, "I FORGOT". It makes me wonder what else she might not be telling me as if there could be anything more than what I already know.


The usual procedure is that you think you want to know, because then you will not wonder and have worries about what happened. Whether you missed out on something with her, that forms a kind of a loss for you. You think you can deal with all the normal stuff and want to know if there is some really bad stuff.

.....And you know what?

It will turn out that even the slightest, really normal imagination of her with others will really bother you, you will feel pain, be obsessed with it, will want to make her pay for what she did to you, for the loss of something you would have wanted to have too before the two of you met......

What happened, what she felt, you can find that in many stories her in TAM. What you will feel also.

Read, and decide if you want to endanger your relation, your life, for the short sado-masochistic kick of knowing, and then make her and you pay the rest of your life for that kick. 

Good luck.


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## Cletus

nuclearnightmare said:


> Or he could have married a woman that was straight with him about her past, who presented herself to him honestly, and who turned out to be a good wife and mother. She took that path away from him.
> 
> Intimacy requires honesty, which he was not important enough, in her mind, to receive......


Look at his descriptions of how he views sex. I might have done the same in her shoes.

You find someone who is a good person, excellent spouse material, kind, loving, doesn't smack you around, but who has this one little hangup about sexuality (and let's be frank here - BBR has some misguided views on sex) that, if you could only get past, you could live a life of eternal bliss. But you can't time travel to the past and undo your sexual history, for which you likely have real regrets. So you make a questionable but understandable choice.

It's guesswork, sure. My wife doesn't know everything about my sexual past either, and has made it clear that she'd rather not know. So I never explicitly had to lie about it, but I might, if asked point blank, to save her anguish over things that I cannot possibly fix and cannot possibly have any real meaning in the present.


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## Broken.Beyond.Repair

Cletus said:


> Look at his descriptions of how he views sex. I might have done the same in her shoes.
> 
> You find someone who is a good person, excellent spouse material, kind, loving, doesn't smack you around, but who has this one little hangup about sexuality (and let's be frank here - BBR has some misguided views on sex) that, if you could only get past, you could live a life of eternal bliss. But you can't time travel to the past and undo your sexual history, for which you likely have real regrets. So you make a questionable but understandable choice.
> 
> It's guesswork, sure. My wife doesn't know everything about my sexual past either, and has made it clear that she'd rather not know. So I never explicitly had to lie about it, but I might, if asked point blank, to save her anguish over things that I cannot
> possibly fix and cannot possibly have any real meaning in the present.


I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me.


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## Theseus

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me.


I suggest you put this in your other thread.

I will also say that is probably the worst possible solution to your problem. Your wife hasn't cheated on you, and even if she did, a "revenge affair" would not be the way to go. Please get help with this, like yesterday.


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## Nucking Futs

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me.


You feel your wife wronged you by lying to you about her sexual past, so you want to get even with her by cheating on her? Talk about giving up the moral high ground.

I agree that she wronged you by lying to you. That wrong would pale in comparison to what you're contemplating doing to her. It would be better for both of you for you to just divorce her rather than cheating on her, but it would be best to do neither and instead get counseling, both individual and marital.


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## RClawson

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me.


BBR this is an enormous mistake. Be an honorable man and husband. This does not make anything even it is just pathetic. Do you mind sharing what her demeanor is at this point?


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## Machiavelli

Theseus said:


> I suggest you put this in your other thread.
> 
> I will also say that is probably the worst possible solution to your problem. Your wife hasn't cheated on you, and even if she did, a "revenge affair" would not be the way to go. Please get help with this, like yesterday.


This woman has most definitely cheated him out of something quite tangible. Additionally, she may or may not have committed adultery at some point after the wedding, we don't have enough information to made a statement about that either way.


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## Machiavelli

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me.


Any marriage contract (vows) you made to your wife was induced by fraudulent misrepresentation. From Cornell Law School website:

_Under contract law, a plaintiff can recover against a defendant on the grounds of fraudulent misrepresentation if (1) a representation was made; (2) that was false; (3) that when made, the representation was known to be false or made recklessly without knowledge of its truth; (4) that it was made with the intention that the plaintiff rely on it; (5) that the plaintiff did rely on it; and (6) that the plaintiff suffered damages as a result._

So, there you go; your case meets all 6 tests. So, you're certainly justified to seek redress.


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## Thound

I haven't read all of the replies, so forgive me if this has already been said. I think she grew up, and wants a respectable life now. And this jealousy thing will drive a wedge between you and her. Get some help with it. And out of 9 men she chose you, so my guess is your the best of all of them.


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## Dad&Hubby

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me.




REALLY?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!

Look, I'm someone who puts a premium on sexuality. I'm someone who puts a premium on openness and honesty...BUT man, you're going WAY WAY TOO FAR.

Have you looked for a counselor. You NEED one. I get it to be angry and hurt. I get the betrayal, but having VISIONS of perverted acts...COME ON!!


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## See_Listen_Love

Broken.Beyond.Repair said:


> I've seriously been considering getting even with her (not to the extent of her sexual past) by having sex with just one other woman. I know it will be very difficult for me as I have only been with my wife but I think that it might help me get over these feelings. I don't know if I can push myself to do this but* I know that I have to do something or this sadness will consume me*.


Yes, you do indeed:

Begin
__While contemplating stupidity
____Run with head into wall
____Check if prepared to follow advice
__End while
__Follow advice
End


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## JCD

This thread is five years old.


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## Cletus

See_Listen_Love said:


> Yes, you do indeed:
> 
> Begin
> __While contemplating stupidity
> ____Run with head into wall
> ____Check if prepared to follow advice
> __End while
> __Follow advice
> End


That's pretty Basic advice there.


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## Orochi

I have felt so alone for so long now. I had no idea that other men struggled with these issues. Although this thread is several years old, I hope that Ken (as well as subsequent posters) was able to come to peace with his marriage. Thank you guys (and gals) for sharing your experiences and feelings here. You have no idea how much good it has done me to read your comments. I read most of this thread on Friday and my eyes pretty much leaked all day. I wasn't crying per se, but my eyes refused to be dry. The weekend was beautiful and I felt closer to my wife than I have in many years. I finished reading this thread this morning and would like to share my experiences and struggles, but I'll probably start a new thread for that. You people are a special bunch and have earned a place of high regard in my heart. Thanks again. :smthumbup:


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## DoF

PS. This seems like an old thread, only read 1st post.

OP's situation is a consequence of him either asking about the past or his wife sharing it.

NEITHER should EVER be done. What's in the past should stay there......

NOW, he can't get it out of his mind (naturally).

I've been there....

Let this be a warning/lesson for EVERYONE.

Ladies- DO NOT share your past
Man - DO NOT ask about the past

problem solved


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## jaharthur

Orochi said:


> I have felt so alone for so long now. I had no idea that other men struggled with these issues. Although this thread is several years old, I hope that Ken (as well as subsequent posters) was able to come to peace with his marriage. Thank you guys (and gals) for sharing your experiences and feelings here. You have no idea how much good it has done me to read your comments. I read most of this thread on Friday and my eyes pretty much leaked all day. I wasn't crying per se, but my eyes refused to be dry. The weekend was beautiful and I felt closer to my wife than I have in many years. I finished reading this thread this morning and would like to share my experiences and struggles, but I'll probably start a new thread for that. You people are a special bunch and have earned a place of high regard in my heart. Thanks again. :smthumbup:


I encourage a separate thread. Reviving zombie threads usually is not so well received. I'll reserve any comment for a separate thread, if you start one.


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## sheberiding

I am in a similar but different situation. I have been with my wife since June 1989. We were 21 & 22. We moved in together in Janary 1991. We got married in 1994 and have two teenaged children. She said she was always very vague about her exact numbers but narrowed it to 4. Unfortantly, she was busted a few times running into guys she's had at least oral or hand jobbed and she has been caught in a lie of omission. She is very intelligent and gets the fragile male sex ego. But I have lied too basically I presentEd myself as a stud with multiple experiencs but the reality was I had 1 long term long distance relationship with a religious girl who fell in the anything but sex category befor marriage. A few other hot petting dates but no sex and sex once with a prostitute. I lied because my friends male and female told me that girls like confident guys with epierience so if you don't have it, pretend to be confident they said. It definitely worked and once I did that I had a lot of chances. I started coming into my own and a lot of ladies expressed interest/desire to sleep with me Unfortunately or fortunately,I met my partner right at that time (I suppose my fake confidence was a magnate-if fact she said it was) she doesn't know it was an act--i a had a chance to sow my wild oats and I gave up the opportunity for a lot of sexual experiences for a relationship with her. I did that I supoose as a result of my core family values which ran opposite of my peers and youth. I have always sort of regretted it. In addition, there were some times when I thought she had cheated on me but I had no proof. I have had the opportunity to cheat on her without her finding out but couldn't go through with it. Some of her omissions were personally embarassing as friends of friends came to parties and it turned out she had done this or that (sex acts)with them. I was teased by my friends which was embarassing for both of us.She tried to revised and edit her numbers but she has always been very shifty about it. I know she is a liar as am I and we deserve each other. Since I lied I basically felt I had no right to complain so although I was hurt I basically just left it. However over the past 20 years our sexlifereduced has reduced to the point of a sexless marriage. We do it 3-5 times a year max which fits the definition of a sexless marriage. We didn't Evan have sex on out wedding night. We have gone as long as 18 months without sex. We have discussed it but it always slides back to the low numbers. However, this time I am using a number of books and resources to help and may even see a sex therapist if that doesn't work. I haven't told her yet but I am giving this a year and if it doesn't change then I will begin the separation process.


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## See_Listen_Love

sheberiding said:


> However over the past 20 years our sexlifereduced has reduced to the point of a sexless marriage. We do it 3-5 times a year max which fits the definition of a sexless marriage. We didn't Evan have sex on out wedding night. *We have gone as long as 18 months without sex. We have discussed it but it always slides back to the low numbers. However, this time I am using a number of books and resources to help* and may even see a sex therapist if that doesn't work. I haven't told her yet but I am giving this a year and if it doesn't change then I will begin the separation process.


I do not understand how discussing the low numbers interferes with you having sex. It are her 'low numbers', so you bring them up and then have no sex as a result?? :scratchhead:


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## Ken

I am the original poster to this thread.

Hard to believe the thread I made feels like last week but is nearly 7 years old!!!

Now been together for 15 years.

Anyway, just a quick update. I've read through the posts made since I originally posted and found many guys to be in the same position I've been in. As the person originally seeking advice in this thread, I'm about to give some out now. Find a way, any way, to get past your partner's sexual past. All the arguing and stress simply isn't worth it. There will come a day when it just doesn't matter anymore. My day came a couple of months ago after a visit with my doctor.

I'm a ticking time bomb. Don't know how long I have left on this planet, but it isn't good. Maybe a couple of months or a couple years. I've since restructured parts of my life to spend more time with my wife and kids and cherish the time we have. We do a lot of little things now like going for walks, getting ice cream or coffee together and talking, and we've had a couple weekend getaways with more planned in the next few months.

Don't waste your time and energy like I did, fellas. Focus that energy into your relationship instead.

Ken


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## lifeistooshort

I'm so sorry. What's wrong with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Ken please don't say Pancreatic Cancer. Or ALS.


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## lifeistooshort

bandit.45 said:


> Ken please don't say Pancreatic Cancer. Or ALS.


Or any kind of cancer. Cancer sucks 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ken

Neither of those.

Huge brain tumour. (yes the "u" belongs there... I'm Canadian  )

We're going to try to control it's growth to get as much time as I can, but eventually that won't be possible.

Enjoy life while you can, folks. Don't let the small things bother you like I once did.


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## imperfectworld

So sorry to hear of your condition. Thank you so much for the gift to us of coming back here with your concluding advice. 

Just curious, in all these years did you ever tell her that you struggled with this? I have hidden mine, it seems the right thing, but you'd have better insight than anyone.


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## Ken

imperfectworld said:


> So sorry to hear of your condition. Thank you so much for the gift to us of coming back here with your concluding advice.
> 
> Just curious, in all these years did you ever tell her that you struggled with this? I have hidden mine, it seems the right thing, but you'd have better insight than anyone.




Yes, I did tell her about it. We spent many nights arguing about it too. When I get upset I become silent and won't talk so she pretty much knows when something is up with me.

I couldn't possibly hide it like you can because of my sudden silence.

I've just learned to accept things over the years since my original post. Not saying the demons don't want to come out and play, cause they still do after 15 years, but I try to think of something else right away. I also figure that after this long, I'd like to think she chose me because I was best for her.

At one point I had a good look in the mirror and thought in 40 years from now I don't want her looking back on a life with me that I constantly harassed her about her past, so I definitely slowed down badgering her about it. Good thing because as I now know I don't have 40 more years to spend with her  I could kick my ass for being a dink with her when I did. I should have shown her more love and attention. Trying hard to make up for it now. I have a weekend away planned in 3 weeks from now. Looking forward to it.

I don't have the answer for you, imperfectworld, on how to beat the demons and move past it. Someone earlier suggested this was a disease like OCD and having someone else just tell you to stop it doesn't work. And it doesn't. I still have my moments. I don't think we can ever be totally over it, but I suggest you learn something from my situation and dig down deep and find a way to set the feelings aside. You know yourself best, maybe a new hobby, reading a book, watching sports, whatever it takes for you to get your mind out of the gutter for the few moments until that stomach-wrenching knot feeling passes. Look at her and think about me and my situation I'm in now. Then go give her a kiss and realize you still have much more time with her than I do with my wife.


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## I Don't Know

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. After a couple of really good months it's come back 3 times in a month. Seems like no matter how hard I try I just have to drive that wedge. Today I realized I think I WANT her to say "yes, ______ had a c0ck like a porn star, and I loved it. You'll never give me what he could." Why would I want to be crushed like that? Do I hate myself that much? Why can't we just accept the "no baby, you're the best" like so many other guys do? Part of it I think is worry about the future. I don't want to end up 20 years in and have the "I've never been attracted to you that way" talk.

It's hard and I feel for anyone else that deals with this. 

Sorry about your prognosis OP. I hope I can follow your advise and just live for now.


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## imperfectworld

Ken said:


> I don't have the answer for you, imperfectworld, on how to beat the demons and move past it. Someone earlier suggested this was a disease like OCD and having someone else just tell you to stop it doesn't work. And it doesn't. I still have my moments. I don't think we can ever be totally over it, but I suggest you learn something from my situation and dig down deep and find a way to set the feelings aside. You know yourself best, maybe a new hobby, reading a book, watching sports, whatever it takes for you to get your mind out of the gutter for the few moments until that stomach-wrenching knot feeling passes. Look at her and think about me and my situation I'm in now. Then go give her a kiss and realize you still have much more time with her than I do with my wife.


Thank you. I do believe it is like OCD and I am watching what things keep it coming back into my mind. I'm also watching how I have an addict's tendency to put myself in the zone rather than running from it. All a wasted and fruitless activity.


I will try my best to spend the time I have doing better than this.


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## Hardtohandle

I feel bad for the OP.. 
I was wondering how a 2008 thread awoke from the dead..

I think it all has to do with who is doing the asking and who is doing the telling.. 

If a women tells me to fvck her in the a$$.. I'm gonna assume I'm not the first.. But I am surely not going to ask who the first was and I surely don't want her to tell me who this first was, or who the 2nd or 3rd or 4th.. Or out of all the men, who the best a$$ fvcker was.. 

Men shouldn't ask and women shouldn't tell and vice versa.. 

But if someone decides to just elect to tell you without asking. Well then they get what they deserve.. I never asked my ExGF if she fvcked the guy from baywatch or the bass player from Band Extreme and how he serenaded her singing the song more than words to her after fvcking her.. She just decided to tell me a cool story from long ago.. I decided to eventually break it off with her because I was tired of hearing these stories plus more.. 

OP your wife had nine in her life.. I think my ExGF had nine in a matter of months and sadly I am not joking.. She gave a count of 4 in one month.. That is 1 d!ck each week for those counting.. 

I'm ashamed I dated her for so long.. 

There is always someone worse out there just remember that and then there was mine.. She beat them all..


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## justaguy01

Super old thread - but still very helpful. Yes, I'm another man fighting with this OCD.


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