# Talk of sex with-in Marriage



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

After 7 years of trying to get my husband interested in having sex with me, from waking him with oral sex, naughty outfits, nude photos in lunch box, attempts at role playing, suggestions of sex night, trying new things on my sex to do list, asking about everything from 3somes to watching or making porn together... He expressed that he dreaded having sex with me and has always done a good job of keeping busy, having company or feeling under the weather...

I was blessed my parents have since provided me with a variety of toys to keep me happy and to prevent his frustrations I have traded something sexy and see through for wearing his pj pants while wandering around in the evenings, Since we havent shared a bed now in over 9 years. 

Just this morning he talked to me about sex, asking why I have quit sending nude photos via text... and get dressed as soon as he enters the room for his sleeping shift. He accused me of cheating on him, after all I have recently agreed to a divorce. I simply told him that I was sorry for my advances over the years, with all the rejection I am more than happy to take care of myself and asked if sex was something he now desired...he said he missed my attempts 

Overly excited I got ready for a full evening of oral, vag and Anal sex to learn he is once again not interested... 

Should I pursue a sexual relationship, Should I attempt to talk if we get a moment with out company... or should I just admit defeat... I fear I am confused with his mixed signals


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

So he likes the attempts you make only to shoot them down? Sounds crazy and controlling. If you don't have kids, it might be best to cut your ties.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What do you mean your parents have provided you with toys? :scratchhead:

What are you getting out of this relationship by staying?


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

We have three children, I am so blessed to say. 

Yes my Parents have provided me with toys (sex toys) because dear when you express a concern for sexual needs and frustrations to your mother, haha she assured me that they will cover me while in my youth but warned me of post menopause sexual peak for women... Rather thankful I am 20 some years away from that yet...

I am rather confused about my husband lately... he has always been a hard one to figure out. Sexual issues are just one of several issues that I have taken care of myself...

My attempts to understand the mixed signals of todays conversation (really nothing more than a 5 min mention) but I wanted to know... if possible what I should take that as... and what my reaction/ actions should reflect... 

I am sorry to say that rarely does he make time to communicate with me so I fear clearfying is out of the question... 

My agreeing to a divorce is rather a ploy... if you do so take it that way to determine my worth (for it seems I have had none for the last 9 years) and is a response per a request that is 4 years in the making... I believe that I owe him to do what he feels in his best interests


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

9 years?

Wow.

What's his problem? What does he say is his issue?


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Also having gotten married young, All I know of adulthood is my day to day routine and centers around his cares above all else... work kids home... although I have with everything else a well practiced balance. 

Also I fear the actions and down right refuse to take part in the activities of others in their 20's and even 30's... My husband always saying I should have married a man in his 50's


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

He said he dreads it, That the more I want it the less he wants it. That I strip him of feeling manly with my requests and advances. 

I thought with taking a careless attitude towards sex it would allow him to take action and be the one to have the thought... sending hints like nude texts... and taking showers at his shower time with the hope of him joining me... sleeping nude and so on...

that was going on 4 years ago... then today this spark of hope after agreeing to a divorce (after christmas to not disappoint the children) and have omited my usual attempts during a period of 2 weeks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Men don't just dread sex without another reason behind it. Was he abused as a child? Is he not attracted to you? Just seems odd.

In any case...if my husband said he dreaded sex with me and we weren't intimate in 9 years and I was jumping through hoops to get his attention, I'd be GONE.

Then I'd jump through some hoops to some hottie who could appreciate my sexuality with me


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wait, he said you strip him of his manliness when you make advances...so you stop and he complains you aren't making advances? Then accuses you of cheating...

He's either 1. Crazy or 2. Cheating on you. Is that possible?


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

It is just the way he always has been, I am thankful that he has given me the children... I fear that I have guilt in my selfishness for the past, had he requested we no longer watch a tv show because he dreaded it... would I not follow his wishes... I have taken steps to take care of myself... also causing issues with him because of the way it feels... upon occasion when caught, but expressed that I was sorry but that it was needed and my have to be tolerated. 

I exercise often and try my hardest to be attractive at all times with out making him feel bad. 

I have mentioned his relationships with male friends fear that may have been a factor, but he assured me not. 

I more than anything wondering what I should make of his mention... and my actions...

For if he indeed desires a divorce it would be improper to send nude photos and what not...


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I guess anything is possible, however it would have had to be occurring for the entire length of our marriage... 10 and a half years last month... since I was 17 and he was 19...


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Any chance he could be gay? (either openly, or not admitting it to himself)

It is a serious question. Many gay men would fit your husbands description - they married young and had kids - all in an effort to prove to someone (themselves or others) that they are not gay. And in their marriages they are healthy but not much interested in sex with their wives (though they do it and do want the kids). I've known such a couple where he didn't come out to her until they were divorcing with 3 kids.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oooh, that sounds like it could be the case.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

My husband is child like and doesnt much care for the children... I did ask for them and I take sole care for them thankful to have them... 

I have asked him, indirectly several times esp this last year since his friend has escaped the grasp of his wife. His attention to his friends son far outweighs the love for his own children so that the children take note and my oldest get frustrated with my explanations calling them excuses for daddy. 

Although I drove myself to the hospital and took care of the children while my extended family were on their way take them for me... he did come while I was having our latest but was too busy talking on phone with his friends soon to be wife about wardrobe for their(his friend and soon to be wife) up and coming wedding to take notice...

We also visited the hospital when their son was born and get them costly gifts and supplies while I am rather content with the yardsale stuff I am able to provide... I am also removed from the home while they are over. This leads me to believe that the problem is indeed me even though other than her and his mother he seems to have a general dislike of all women, but me esp. Not in my favor is the fact that his mother is very openly against me and has been trying since the date we got married to get us to divorce... wearing black to morn our weddin...Thankful that I am useful and needed he requires a great deal of care and I am described as "low maintenance"


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Part of me wants to say "RUN Jbear! RUN! And don't look back!"

I am speechless. That is not the behavior of a husband and father. He is failing both.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I think that I shall leave things as they are with his mention... seeing that under the circumstances of desiring a divorce it would be wrong for me more now than ever to attempt to get his attention. 

I have always been easy to get excited... where he is concerned just hearing him passing the door to go to the restroom at night is enough to make my heart race and my hair stand up on end...

I have sent no suggestive texts this evening and have gotten nothing more than his friend Drama and personal issues via text thus far this evening

Do you suppose that I acted rash in regards to his earlier comment?


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Sickening!
I do not envy you.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I am sorry.... I dont mean to be, I have spent several years being thankful for what I have and have tried very much to diminish any reminders of my being unsatisfied... 

I have tried read every dr laura and Dr Rosenberg I have gone to Eap seaking therapy although rejected...

I want to thank you all for your many thought filled words trying to come up with a solution as well as helping me to seek a deeper problem with in the problem.


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## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

I don't understand why it's okay with you to be treated like this.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Jbear said:


> After 7 years of trying to get my husband interested in having sex with me, from waking him with oral sex, naughty outfits, nude photos in lunch box, attempts at role playing, suggestions of sex night, trying new things on my sex to do list, asking about everything from 3somes to watching or making porn together... He expressed that he dreaded having sex with me and has always done a good job of keeping busy, having company or feeling under the weather...
> 
> I was blessed my parents have since provided me with a variety of toys to keep me happy and to prevent his frustrations I have traded something sexy and see through for wearing his pj pants while wandering around in the evenings, Since we havent shared a bed now in over 9 years.
> 
> ...


Who the hell wouldn't be confused?

I can only say I have never knowingly met a man like this, and therefore he is (at least) at the bleeding edge of "normal" (more bluntly - this ain't normal, at all.)

My opinion is that there is something embedded deeply in him that is at the back of this, and it's far beyond the power of an internet forum to fix. If YOU could fix it, I think by now it would be fixed. 

Either he gets some form of professional help and sticks to it, or it won't get better.

But he has to see it as his problem before he will do that. Good luck.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Yep he has issues.... I usually go to the Gay card, and may lean that way too. 

However you come on way too strong. Heck I'd be scared to death and worried about performance anxiety reading what you want, your preoccupation concerning sex and how forward you are in trying to get it.

How about just saying "I want to ave sex, how about it?" Yes sexy texts/lingerie/a surprise note and advances are fun in moderation. Sounds like you are on him 24/7.

That said I agree that divorce sounds the best option, as he seems like a real headcase (particularly how he treats the kids).


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Prior to 2007 I was too attentive I would try to get him interested in sex sometimes several times a week...

Just as sad that I was to be rejected he equally resented my advances... 

After he expressed his feelings towards sex... I realized that sex didnt make our relationshionship... I have tried to make it up to him and have made it a point to not make him feel uncomfortable...

I thank you dear I wish that I knew what I know now...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Without sex there is really no marriage; you are roommates. I also wonder if he is gay. There have been many instances just like yours where that has been the case. You have done your best. I feel that you have been severely mistreated and you have stayed in this sham of a marriage far too long. Children are much better served by having two parents that love each other and show it. There is no modeling of this type of healthy behavior in your home.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Jbear said:


> My husband is child like and doesnt much care for the children... I did ask for them and I take sole care for them thankful to have them...


This is kinda sad to me and not a marriage. Did you know from the beginning he didn't really want children? He helped you conceive them, but has nothing to do really with the raising of them. Nice.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

The children and I meet him at the door we stand and wave as he leaves no matter what we had been doing, or what the weather or how long it takes. The children and I often talk about unconditional love in marriage, how to be a considerate spouse and we practice problem solving between siblings. I agree with the great desire to have an affectionate parent role model but have made the most for what I have to work with, I do hope haha. 

I have talked with my husband this very morning, he brought up things I have never heard of, will have to define

A-sexual being one... the reason behind missing my nude photos and sexy talk is because it makes him feel attractive, desired and confident (which is why I continued since 08... noticing a difference in his attitude, fears of his aging, worries of his weight...) 

When I cry at night, in my room after I see how upset he is, he says it makes him feel powerful and assured. He mentions divorce because he doesnt want me to leave and he may appear angry but infact he is sad for I am all he knows to. 

I have taken a life of no expectation, and for that I am not disappointed, I have seen things and even myself through his eyes. I feel for him and try so hard with each renewed day because I am helpless to offer assistance any other way. 

I have learned to take care of myself sexually and even hold guilt for my secret desires...But for that I still able to laugh at myself... my theme song my husband pointed out...Flight of the Conchords- Business Time - YouTube

I think this talk was very helpful to my seeking answers that I so desired. For had it not been for all the questions and comments I would have been content living in wonder but you all have made me find something in myself that I didnt know was there... For that I am so greatly thankful.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

The thing about living and abiding gods laws is that you think you know someone you have the proper talks about situations, holiday arrangements, children and roles... But once I got married I found so very much to be different...

I didnt realize he had no desire for sex and didnt in turn realize how sexual I was until we did it. He didnt realize how he would be as a parent until after we had our oldest child, although his mother stated he always found children annoying even as a small child himself. 

I have always assumed when you vow to care for some one there isnt fine print and seeing I only can change myself... I have done so and because of my husbands lack, he has made me to to a strong knowlegeable and talented woman!! for that the children and for making me a wife of 10.5 years I am greatly thankful... 

My H and his mother have plans for us to divorce this spring... I will take it for what it is and will see what is to be, in the mean time I am pleased to have cleared up my confusion with the help of all you folks XO thank you all so very much!!!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I really do not know what to tell you. You seem like a awfully nice person, maybe to nice. I do think you love your husband and want things to be better with you and your family. 

I guess continue to take care of yourself sexually, because it seems thats all you can do at this point. And keep taking care of and raising your kids to the best of your ability. If he comes around and changes, thats good. If not, I guess divorce is on the table or you stay with the way things are. I think you have a good attitude about things either way. I'm surprised you are not cold hearted and bitter because of all of this, but you do not hit me as being that way. Good luck to you.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Jbear said:


> The thing about living and abiding gods laws is that you think you know someone you have the proper talks about situations, holiday arrangements, children and roles... But once I got married I found so very much to be different...


There is a good reason for this. We are all broken people, no exceptions. Some of the broken get the help they need to become more healthy, others do not. Sometimes as hard as you try, there is nothing you can do but start over. That is why there is this thing called grace.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I have asked myself why... but when it comes down to what I end doing is asking what.... what and I going to make of what I am given... When I look back in 5 years what am I going to see... the worst thing wont seem so bad.... and the greatest challenges will make me a stronger person...and what effect my actions would have on other person.... 

Being bitter or cold hearted would cause my H's already steamy temper to work over time turing my home mostly calm home in to a mad house

I never would have though by placing my sexual energy in to dry-walling and home improvement would someday get me a second job that would allow us to make ends meet while My H was laid off... 

I thank you kindly for your kind words Jamison... they have been such a blessing, I hope that you have good luck as well! May the sun shine on your face and the wind blow on your back!


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> There is a good reason for this. We are all broken people, no exceptions. Some of the broken get the help they need to become more healthy, others do not. Sometimes as hard as you try, there is nothing you can do but start over. That is why there is this thing called grace.


What a very wonderful to put that! 

If indeed my H sees the grass is greener living with his mother, I pray he will be happy as never before, Thankful he will always know how much we love him and how thankful we are. 

I will take things as they come but know I am never alone  Thank you kindly for your amazing view how very true they are and your reassurance! The world is truly a better place because of you Romantic guy


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi JDear. Maybe I'm not understanding things right but here is what I gather from all this. 

1. You are/were obsessed with having sex with him. So much so that you would be willing to bring in a 3rd person into your marriage to satisfy your thirst for intimacy.

2. You are/were constantly chasing him. Lets not forget it's human nature for the male to chase the female. Women are usually the ones who play hard to get. 

3. He feels you don't let him be a man. 

4. When his friends (the couple) come over, you are asked to leave and not participate in what they are doing.

Maybe what is going on is that he is having threesome with this couple. Where HE feels like the MAN in charge. He doesn't desire you because you are low hanging fruit in his eyes. He can have you whenever he wants. 

Example: When he asked you why you stopped sending him texts. The minute he paid you ANY attention you jumped at the opportunity. 

Is it possible that in the relationship he has with his friends he's the MAN. After all why would this other woman spend so much time on the phone with him while you're in the middle of giving birth. And why would he take more pride in his MANly accomplishment of deciding what her son would wear instead of his MANly accomplishment of being part of bringing a child into this world.

He's definitely odd but every action has a reaction. I'M NOT saying this is YOUR fault. This is definitely his problem but maybe some of my comments helped you answer some questions. 

I would suggest doing less and less for this man and more and more for yourself. Stop being low lying fruit and make yourself the toughest fruit to reach on the branch.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

My dear Alittlefunnn

So very true all the points that you have stated above... during the course our marriage I was trying to evaluate his sexual desires... for to me it seemed he had none. I asked him about such things as having a threesome, role playing, trying a sex night once a month... trying to determine if it was something about me or if there was a way I could help him. 

Prior to 2007 I was indeed chasing him, haha. I laugh at the memory although it isnt at all funny... I peaked that year with having had sex 4 times.... for us that was good!!! I discovered his pent up feeling of dread, and his expressing he has never been interested... Allowing me to come to terms with rejection, my feeling of secret resentment for having tried to earn his love.

He told me he hadnt loved me in years... 8 now. I realized that my trying to interest him, help him was causing the issue... I have a great deal of guilt over that. However pleased that he finally felt comfortable enough to talk about it with me. 

After a year I recall his worries with my being faithful, his appearance, his weight... he started shopping for clothes like never before and I tried something... making half hearted attempts ... taking naught photos, rubbing his feet with my breasts while giving him a food massage and reminding him of how sexy and smokin hot he is... it did the trick all these years... after stopping it for 2 weeks he mentioned what started this post. 

Today we talked I discovered he is Asexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Confirming that it isnt me and there is nothing wrong with him it is just how he is. 

His friend... a brother from another mother... they are very close and his mrs... is a shopping friend... it is sad but she finds me too goodie goodie, so nice Im fake and holds resentment because I have been in the group of friends (as an outsider) for 14 years where she came and went and I was around when she was not the best for his friend... I do not hold judgement against her, however she just feels more comfortable when I leave. 

His children adore him and as do I. We talk about him in great fondness and they try to be forever pleasing... they know that daddy is the way he is we can not change him but love him for who he is, there is no such thing as a bad person just bad actions... then we must evaluate what we can do to help and understand things from their perspective

As far as him feeling manly, he wears the pants and makes the final calls although I handle things like home improvement, home finance, raising of the children, cleaning, cooking, yard care, working.... so on... I never let his suggestion go undone or taken for granted! I dont show the kitchen remodel and say I refinished the cabinets and I did this and I did that. I say H thought glass decorative shelves would be nice here... they are great for displaying the childrens pottery... I love how he pulled the warm wood tones from the beams in the living room when he picked out the paint color... it really makes this a cohesive space... then I tell them thankful I am he has such amazing taste... it being the artist in him seeing, I wear dresses so I dont have to match clothes... with a giggle... 

Clearly what I have been doing hasnt been working seeing that his mother reminds me of the doom in our relationship with her every tri-weekly visit and her verbal plans of divorce and him moving back home.... but he has kept me around for 10.5 years... god knows I must be doing something right!

You have made me give thought as to the past and much to the future... I wonder I hope and I pray of what is to come. I have such guilt for wanting to be loved and share in a physical connection with my H... but understand and try to be supportive with just enough to make him feel confident with his looks, lord knows I sing my high praises! haha... 

He is rather indecisive and often stands on contrasting ends of any subject he is my black and white in my distinctive hue of gray... one thing that is for sure where he ends I begin.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Just wondering, but why is his mother so involved in him getting a divorce? What kind of role has she played in YOUR marriage?


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

He is a very actively social man, His friends cause him so very much hurt and resentment... for with them he gives gives gives... and they take take take... their issues in relationships, health and work causing him strife... his friends lack of loyality when they go through the knight faze and feel a need to stick up for me with him... he is easily swayed and feels sheepish inside but tries so to stand tall on the outside. 

It hurts me so to see him like that... it seems that he tries so hard and doesnt know what to do with the frustration... which is often responsible for his ill treatment of me... His striving for the attention he desires... with the inground pool the big boy toys the big screen tvs.. newest technology... pool partys... BBQ's at times acts like a double edge sword. He told me he will never be satisified... now for your H to tell you that, How awful a feeling that is and how helpless I feel to do nothing to resolve the problem!


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I was my husbands first girlfriend... how it ment so very little back in school... His mother after years and having us start college she said marry her or get rid of her... fear that the last was more her intention... we decided to set up housekeeping and get married... 

She built him up so much that her behavior is unlike anything I have ever seen between a mother and child... she openly put down her younger son then only 17 and over the years he resents her favoritism... He is now 27 (a year younger than me) and acts out towards her... It greatly intensified after her husband's blood pressure issues intensified... I believe fearful that she would be along and seeked the comfort of her favorite son... She has done everything she can against me over the years, and they get so worked up together... mostly unclear as to why, She smiles as a reaction to his behavior, she even sees the children as a threat for his affection. I feel bad for her, but remain meek as I told her I dont want to put my H in the middle!!! I believe if she truly cared for him she wouldnt do that to him.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

She once confided in me that during his sleep overs there that she ran herself to exhaustion trying to care for him but my H and his mom has set so many guide lines that doing his laundry was using a special soap double rinsing, fluff in dryer air dry, hang according to color and hue with special cares every 3 months... putting the hangers finger space apart and combing the sleeves so they dont have a fold mark when worn and that is just the tee shirts... 

I realize why she does it, I have such a routine  It has given me such a feeling of satisfaction... for his closet is rather pretty haha but fear... if that happens she sets herself up for failure


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Apparently his mother wanted to be his one and only woman in his life. She went over and beyond for him, possibly due to what she wasn't getting herself from her marriage. Sometimes people who are unhappy will throw all their time and energy into one particular thing or person and ignoring most everything else. It can possibly do more harm than good.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

JDear it seems to me that in his eyes you're more a mother than a wife. Just reading your posts the way you describe him is more along the lines of a mother describing her son then that of a spouse describing their significant other. 

If he sees you as a mother figure then why would he want to sleep with you? Why would he want you to continue to rub his feet with your breast? 

The "woman" friend still bothers me. The fact that you CAN'T be around when she is shows if nothing else, that he values her opinion, respect, affection and relationship more than that of the mother of his children. 

I know you are 28 and you are obviously a GOOD person so what you MUST ask yourself is the following:

Do you want a partner, best friend and husband or do you want another child who will continue to disrespect you for the remainder of your life?


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes I can see that, she treats her husband poorly much as My H treats me. I have always said that he is a good son, they ate so very much alike... Its love hate... engaging in an active social life just to turn around and make fun of, saying ill comments... they cant even leave a restraunt with out complaining about the server (even when they are standing overhead) the food the silverware or the table near them that has children... It must always be something!!! 

do you know someone like that? is there something you can do to help them? I see all the darkness and hate ... I fear that he is doomed to remain as she is!!!


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

You may have answered this and I just overlooked it...but was he sexually abused as a child? His behavior sure does sound like it!!!!

It would certainly explain a lot of things to you. I was in this boat too (roles reversed, of course). I did EVERYTHING to get my wife interested in sex with me. Nothing worked. 

I too blamed myself for a while. I finally concluded that she just found me repulsive (sexually). It wasn't ME that was repulsive...it was sex because of her childhood sexual abuse that she finally revealed to me after 23 years of marriage.

It's more common that you might think. It's certainly worth exploring. You need to ask gently, but directly, and several times too. Explore the topic with him. He may have repressed it.


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## cowboy383 (Jan 12, 2012)

Try some role playing
Morris you finicky puzzycat you. You wont eat nothing but 9lives. lol
I bet if you don't feed him for awhile he'll eat just about anything.
Don't keep his dish full. Empty it out and let him starve for awhile.
I'm sure your meat substitution can tidy you over until he's ready to eat.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Get some tickets to Broadway. Your husband prefers men.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

My dear alittlefunn

another round of true statements... I do not mean to treat him as such, and put a great deal of effort and planning in my actions, many of the private concerns I have never mentioned before today.

Everyone that walks through my door is more respected, listened to and valued than I... it is a role I have become rather accustomed to over the years. 

I try not too look too much in to it for if I dig too much I may find something I dislike haha. 

I have vowed and any changes are not mine to make. He has so many non visible insecurities... worries and frets over a line on his face, a growing hair line, a growing waist line... fears of a grey hair, He refuses to let a single chest hair grow... and in turn he picks at my every strech mark, smile line...I am secretly happy for the children who gave them to me and every good time or silly comment deserving a smile, My wooing for him, making him feel sexy and desired recently re confirmed... is a good thing he may not feel a desire to have sex but he likes the confirmation of feeling like he is both... 

Men who knew haha... It is my duty to him to affirm him to do what I can to make him feel loved...

I chose back in 07 to lay down everything and live completely with out expectation. I guess I have to answer, the greatest thing I can do is what I vowed to do... for the greatest/selfless things one do are the things that are the hardest/ takes most effort. 

Another thing is that if the marriage fails I would have to evaluate myself to see what I have done wrong so I may fix myself prior to
future relationships... I have many trained things about me that would be hard to reverse and I ask myself If I couldnt do it once what makes me think I could succeed a second time!


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

JDear, I think you also need to realize that YOUR relationship with your husband is the role model your children will use for their future relationships. 

I respect your complete devotion to the institute of marriage but I equate it to the blind loyalty a Kamakazee pilot has. Their LOYALTY and LOVE for THEIR belief is SO strong they fail to realize that MEANS don't justify the end. 

You're husband has shown you in every single way that he does not respect you as his wife or mother to his children. Your continue support of that disrespect has and will continue to reconfirm to your children that this is how all relationships evolve. A sexless one way relationship. 

I'm sure as a mother that is not something you want for your children. I'm sure as a young girl it was not something you wanted for yourself. 

The truth is that until YOU begin loving YOURSELF no one will be able to love you. Not the way you DESERVE to be loved.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Taken from an email I sent to my H last month agreeing to his terms for a divorce if that he what he so desires...

"I am tired and I see that although I have pointed out the issues I have been having, with tough/limited communications, and your anger towards me just to name two during the less than an hour of seeing you today...."

"Now... I hope that you have thought back to the things I have said... only the truth, all the wonderful comments I have made about you, that I have annoyed you with over the years... all the times I insist on telling you love you, all the times I have told you sorry even though it was not my fault in the hopes that you would calm down.... seeing that in everything I recieve all the blame from you, no wonder you hate me when you think that I am to blame for everything."

"You say "I was mad", I wonder if you have heard all the aweful comments you and your mom have said to me over the years. They hurt more than I could ever describe, to find that no matter what you do it is wrong the harder I have worked the worse your behavior has been.... You try so hard to be mean and hurtful with my reaction wanting more than anything to understand so that I may fix any problems that we have had. I have tried to send you off to work with a good lunch and a good farewell from your family, I have tried to do housework so that you could come home to a clean house and a loving family. I have tried to be thoughful and always think about my actions and words to best decide how to act without you getting mad at me, even though it rarely works out that way! "

"All I have learned is that I am tired, I will be yelled at everyday, there is nothing that I can do about that. I will have no one to show the kids how to respect another person other than me and it just goes to teach them it is all one sided. "

"You had wanted a divorce and hadnt loved me in 8 years and I want a divorce to! Only difference is that I will always love and be thankful for you. I do not love your actions, your quick temper most the time, but I will always love you!"


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Jbear said:


> Taken from an email I sent to my H last month agreeing to his terms for a divorce if that he what he so desires...
> 
> "I am tired and I see that although I have pointed out the issues I have been having, with tough/limited communications, and your anger towards me just to name two during the less than an hour of seeing you today...."
> 
> ...


Jbear. Its sad to hear what you are going through. You seam like one really committed soldier.

If I were to start things over again in life, i would pray for a wife just like you. I only wish my wife was like you. From reading your posts and seeing how you are and what you have done - that's exactly how I want my wife. 

I hope your husband will wake up and see the light to see the special person you are. I hope you all can get through this. hopefully he would be willing to go to marriage counseling.


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## PaterFamilia (Jan 17, 2012)

Wow, many men would be in line (maybe some scared away) for the prospect of being in a relationship with you Jbear. Unfortunately, it seems to be of divine design that opposites attract into just these kinds of relationships. Ultimately, it could prove to be the most rewarding of relationships if, for heaven's sake, you both could elevate to the master-level of love. I understand that only about 8% of couples have reached that plateau.

The hard truth is that abstaining from sex is cheating your partner and the legal term for that is: defrauding. If there is not something medical or emotional that causes him to recoil, then this boils down to abuse. 

As in previous posts, again I must defer to one of a multitude of books that I have read on this very subject. Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins have one of the best books out there on relationships and it is called, "Love Life for Every Married Couple: How to Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Rekindle Your Love". They bring out some subtle issues that I never had considered before in lovemaking. For instance, men may sometimes feel that they are not satisfying to their mate.

I never considered our own to be less than satisfying, although much too infrequent, but after reading this book I found more tips on bettering our love life. A mutually fulfilling sex life will enrich your entire marriage. However, something sounds amiss with the hubby. Maybe he needs his testosterone level checked.

Personally, I have always been mystified and wanted to experiment a little and yet wouldn't you admit that we do not really need 3rd-party products to have an exciting lovelife. I think most people really desire closeness and romance. In a healthy relationship, we should have some pillow talk and just let it happen :-o


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Wait, he said you strip him of his manliness when you make advances...so you stop and he complains you aren't making advances? Then accuses you of cheating...
> 
> He's either 1. Crazy or 2. Cheating on you. Is that possible?


My $0.02: he does not want you, but _wants you to want him_. 

In other words, everybody wants to think highly of themselves and that includes the realm of sexual attractiveness. What better way to think that you've still got it than to have your spouse constantly pursuing you?

He had the ego boost of being pursued. Plus, since you had been pursuing constantly he had all the power. He figured you would always be there to woo him, tend to the family, etc. - for free. He did not have to do anything in return (or maybe he'd have sex with you once in a while when he was horny or wanted to prevent conflict).

Now, you've not only damaged his ego but threatened his comfortable routine. He cannot control you and must choose between unappealing alternatives (participating in your sexual happiness, being alone, or finding someone else). So, he's lashing out from anger: "You must have had an affair" (because you aren't pursuing him), "you're a pervert / sex addict", "who would want you", "you don't know how good you have it".

You've already had the affair card thrown at you. Because my ex did exactly this to me, I can make some predictions with a fair degree of certainty:
* you will have other accusations thrown at you
* he will maintain that you are directly at fault or that expecting him to address his issues is unreasonable.
* if he decides he can make it alone, or finds a situation that works better for him, he will bail on you in a hurry. Respect for the commitment and patience you've shown simply will not happen.

Sorry if that's a hard truth to face, but I was caught flat-footed, know how bad it feels, and would like to help someone else by providing the advice I wish someone had given me.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

JustAMan2 said:


> You may have answered this and I just overlooked it...but was he sexually abused as a child? His behavior sure does sound like it!!!!
> 
> It would certainly explain a lot of things to you. I was in this boat too (roles reversed, of course). I did EVERYTHING to get my wife interested in sex with me. Nothing worked.
> 
> ...


Umm, yes and no.

Certainly, abuse would explain an aversion to sex and certain other behaviors. It does not justify getting married while unable to fulfill his husbandly duties or his blame shifting.

Nine years is more than long enough to seek out professional help he needs (for abuse or any other issues). He's an adult and it is his responsibility to work on becoming a mature, healthy adult. It's not up to the OP to coddle and soothe him.


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