# When your wife multitasks socially..



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

My wife and I don't have a lot of problems at this stage of life, but this one doesn't seem to want to go away.

We're spending the evening together, perhaps watching a movie. She can't or won't put down her cell phone, tablet, kindle, book, magazine, etc.

After more than a few minutes of this, I usually end up saying, "I'd like to spend the evening with you honey, not your {Insert name of inanimate object}" but at that point, I'm really wanting to take the offending object out in the front yard, throw it high in the air and cut loose with both barrels of my old Stevens side-by-side.

My wife is a stereotypical overachiever and gets upset at the mere hint that she might have done something wrong. Sometimes we can recover. Often the whole mood of the evening has gone south. 

I'm not sure there is a solution here, but would be interested in feed back


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

My ex and I used to have this very discussion. It would irritate him to no end that I cannot just sit and look at a television.

For me, I just can't focus on a tv alone unless its something REALLY engrossing. I can't remember the last REALLY engrossing thing I saw, but I know it's happened. When I watch TV, I'm always doing something else. Folding laundry, making lists, reading my news, books, or magazines on my iPad, chatting, sewing, painting my nails....rarely just staring at a screen.

When I used to have that discussion with my ex, the solution generally ended up being that if he wanted to do something WITH me, we should go DO something together. If he wanted someone to hold down the other end of the couch and be near him, then he had to put up with me either fidgeting for the entire time or multitasking.

I've just never mastered quiet and still without pharmaceutical intervention


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Make a rule: Date night. NO PHONES during dinner or sexy times.

Nothing kills the moment faster then when you are all into it and someone reaches to check their email. Hahahaha (not that I've done that or anything).


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> My ex and I used to have this very discussion. It would irritate him to no end that I cannot just sit and look at a television.
> 
> For me, I just can't focus on a tv alone unless its something REALLY engrossing. I can't remember the last REALLY engrossing thing I saw, but I know it's happened. When I watch TV, I'm always doing something else. Folding laundry, making lists, reading my news, books, or magazines on my iPad, chatting, sewing, painting my nails....rarely just staring at a screen.
> 
> ...


Interesting. 

Would you diddle with your cell phone during dinner/supper? Would your ex eventually have to ask you to put it down at a restaurant?

Folding laundry, sewing & painting nails are all things I could live with. You can still have a decent conversation and do those things too. It's hard to talk to the back of a tablet though


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Not really, unless there was something going on that I was in the middle of, usually some specific work or family incident--but he was usually aware of that. But we were out, talking and eating. When it go to the point where we just didn't have anything to talk about anymore, then I would probably fiddle with my phone instead of staring silently into space for the whole meal. 

When it comes to relationships, I don't put a lot of stock into "comfortable silence". If you want to interact with me and do things with me, then I'm pretty focused on you and us and what we're doing. If what we're doing is something that is more siloed than interactive--like watching a movie or a show at home-- then I'll do that thing we're doing (movie, etc.), but keep my hands busy too.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My husband is the one who can't put the phone away. We've come to the active/passive compromise. If we are doing something like eating dinner or going for a walk the phone goes away. If we are doing something passive like tv or a movie he is free to fiddle with his phone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'll be 50 this year so I am from the generation that grew up totally without all this social media crap, and there is nothing that makes me madder than to be talking to someone or in a meeting or whatever and they let their phone interrupt us. That is SO freaking rude.

Hubby and I were in Hawaii a couple years ago at a luau and there was this family there, mom dad 2 kids maybe 8 or 10. the ENTIRE luau all 4 of them were on their phones. It was literally as if they weren't even there. They never spoke to one another, they mechanically shoveled food into their mouths, I couldn't believe it. Luaus aren't cheap - why would you even go if you're just going to spend the entire time ignoring the whole thing??

If my hubby acted that way I would have a SERIOUS problem. Burying your nose into stuff like that is just so rude I can't believe people don't realize that. 

But so is burying your nose into the TV and not interacting with your family.

If you want to watch TV, let her have her devices. But if you want to spend time with her, turn off the TV and tell her to turn off her devices. Play cards, play a video game, cook together, plan stuff together, sit down and surf the web together, whatever.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I'll be 50 this year so I am from the generation that grew up totally without all this social media crap, and there is nothing that makes me madder than to be talking to someone or in a meeting or whatever and they let their phone interrupt us. That is SO freaking rude.


I hear you. I'm 60 and my wife is 59. 



> If you want to watch TV, let her have her devices. But if you want to spend time with her, turn off the TV and tell her to turn off her devices. Play cards, play a video game, cook together, plan stuff together, sit down and surf the web together, whatever.


I probably should add that my wife is a hard-core movie buff/amateur critic. Watching a movie is almost always her idea and on a good evening it's not a passive thing conversationally.

I do like those suggestions!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I AM from the social media generation and while I've been guilty of it sometimes, I find it incredibly rude when you are one-on-one with someone if they are on their phone non-stop! It's like, HELLO... quality time, not tech time!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Make a rule: Date night. NO PHONES during dinner or sexy times.
> 
> Nothing kills the moment faster then when you are all into it and someone reaches to check their email. Hahahaha (not that I've done that or anything).


Thank goodness I've only had to deal with that once since the advent of cellphones and other wireless gadgets , in our marriage.

My wife is never on her cellphone , tablet or otherwise ,whilst we spend time together , whether at home looking at TV, dinner just hanging out or going out to a social event or restaurant.

In fact , most times she leaves her business phone at home and takes her personal phone , which only a few family members have the # to , when we go out .


My wife is an electronic gadget freak, But she sets her limits.
And I really like that, I praise her all the time for it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Now what's REALLY funny is when I go out with my parents to dinner or something and they are both on their iPhones.

I watched the Super Bowl with them and could not believe how little attention they were paying to the game. I snapped a pic of them to send to my sibling and said "Look, they are acting like my nieces and nephews, not my parents." Sheesh! :rofl:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex used to play card games on his phone while _driving_. If you think texting and driving is bad, try a game of computerized Texas Hold 'Em! Of course, he's also one of those people who insist on reading and responding to every email, text and status update that pings in no matter what he's doing or who he's with.

I tend to think of my phone as something to play on when it's literally more interesting than whatever else I'm doing at that time. Like when I'm sitting in a waiting room or when I confuse the time and am 30 minutes early to a meeting. That means that if I'm having dinner or a conversation with someone who's on their phone the whole time, it makes me think that the phone is more interesting than me. Which is pretty much a non-starter for dates. Seriously, if I'm not more interesting than the latest Facebook update or a game of solitaire, then why are we even pretending to spend time together?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is a word for this *>>* Phubbing: The annoying habit of ignoring someone for your cell -You tube 












> *ocotillo said: **After more than a few minutes of this, I usually end up saying, "I'd like to spend the evening with you honey, not your {Insert name of inanimate object}" *


Sounds you are being much too nice & polite about it.. I say this because back in the day my husband hated that I was reading books in bed.. he never really said much of anything... I learned later how he HATED MY BOOKS....he would just roll over... Honestly it would have been better had he taken my da** book and threw it on the floor and caused a RUCKUS about it.. over being too passive.. so I "got it" -understood it was unacceptable...sometimes we need a JOLT ...

I could have easily changed my behavior, some of us are not so bright all the time...

So let her feel the Undercurrent of your irritation ....that what you really want to do is grab that attention sucking cell phone/ tablet/ _____, throw it up in the air and blast it to smithereens.... 

You can express this in a way without anger...maybe even a little humor... but none the less those feelings are there.. and she needs to know her actions are stomping on the anticipation of a an emotionally connected evening you wanted to enjoy with her.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm so bad about this.

I'm working on it though! DH made it clear he's finished tolerating my need to read the news online,paint my toes,watch a movie,and whatever else at the same time. 

"instead of touching your phone throughout the movie,touch me instead."

OH the other bad one is playing games on my phone while he's droning on and on about his job. He said "it makes me feel unimportant when you do that when I'm telling you about my day." So I stopped doing that. 

Just say what you feel and be straight. No need to fuss or argue about it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I tend to think of my phone as something to play on when it's literally more interesting than whatever else I'm doing at that time. Like when I'm sitting in a waiting room or when I confuse the time and am 30 minutes early to a meeting. That means that if I'm having dinner or a conversation with someone who's on their phone the whole time, it makes me think that the phone is more interesting than me. Which is pretty much a non-starter for dates. Seriously, if I'm not more interesting than the latest Facebook update or a game of solitaire, then why are we even pretending to spend time together?



That's pretty much how I see it. My wife is a gregarious person and I don't begrudge her time spent on the phone and social media, etc. at all. 

If that's how she wants to spend her evening though, there's other things I would rather be doing than sitting in a holding pattern while watching a movie that wasn't really my first choice anyway.

But "Ditching her" (Her words) usually results in hurt feelings.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I forgot to mention.

To be fair to my wife, although she gives me her undivided attention, sometimes she insists that I play games with her on her ipad.

So I guess it's like 50/50, because when I'm not around , she's hopelessly connected to her mobiles.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> To be fair to my wife, although she gives me her undivided attention, sometimes she insists that I play games with her on her ipad.


There's a thought. Maybe instead of being butt-hurt, I could see if there's something she and I could do together on the tablet.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

In our house, we have a NO ELECTRONICS rule at the dinner table. We always pray together, and then try our best to have interesting conversation while we sit as a family. We are trying to instill in our 13 year old the importance of good communication and the art of being a good listener. I think this skill is slipping away with the current generation.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> My wife and I don't have a lot of problems at this stage of life, but this one doesn't seem to want to go away.
> 
> We're spending the evening together, perhaps watching a movie. She can't or won't put down her cell phone, tablet, kindle, book, magazine, etc.
> 
> ...


I guess I don't understand why watching a movie is spending time with her more or less if she is paying attention to something other than the movie.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> I guess I don't understand why watching a movie is spending time with her more or less if she is paying attention to something other than the movie.


I'm not sure I understand the question/observation, but I'll try to answer:

First of all, movies were only given as an example. This happens during date nights at nice restaurants too. 

Even strictly within the more mundane context of watching a movie on the couch, it is still interactive on a good evening. My wife is seriously into movies and cinematography and after 41 years, that's rubbed off on me. There are plenty of things to talk about during the course of a typical movie. 

I could flesh this out with examples if it isn't making sense. (?)


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Jeez we do this all the time. I almost feel bad about it lol. But my husband has always had a device in his hands, and I mean from day one. I never thought about it really. 

We are chillin at home, someone starts a movie or show, and the devices come it. If I'm not on my phone, I have my pod or ds, he is either on his pad or on the computer or his ds. 

We still can't shut up. We have to include the other one in what we are reading or playing. When we go out, our devices go with us. We are the couple you see at a dinning place and are both on our phones. You have to look hard to see us talking, but we do. 

It goes like this. Sit sip our water pick and order our food, then the phones come out. Then we start laughing and exchanging phones and start talking really animated and hand gestures happen. Our food comes we push it aside to continue taking. Then eating and trying not to talk with our mouths full. Then the phones come back out. 

We sit and talk with our phones up and we decide to leave and go loiter somewhere where we can have a proper conversation about what we were reading. Usually using socially unacceptable words. 

When we are having our night time quality time hanging out, we very quietly talk for 20 or so minutes, then phones come out and silence. Then the next 2-4 hours we cannot stop talking. 

We do have comfortable silence. But it never lasts long. We are odd. We will put on a movie while using our devices, cannot shut up talking about the movie, go out look at our screens, then spend an hour further talking about the movie, just odd ducks.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

This is my wife


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> There's a thought. Maybe instead of being butt-hurt, I could see if there's something she and I could do together on the tablet.


Might be an option worth considering.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I have a sister who is constantly checking her phone. All of her Facebook replies go directly to her phone. She is constantly doing this and always has her head down looking at it. She struggles to carry on a conversation with others because she is always distracted. What is sad is that her daughter is learning from her example and is doing the exact same thing. 

We recently had a family reunion and both of these two spent most of their time sitting in another room, looking down and interacting with their phones. All the rest of us had a great time interacting and talking with each other. I guess it comes down to priorities and habits....but this was sad to me to see my own sister choosing her "electronics" over interaction with her family. Every picture we have of her over the past 3 years shows her and her phone. This is ridiculous!!!!!!

The next time you are at an intersection in your car, look around at the other drivers. You will see most of them are looking down and checking their phones....even when the light changes to green. They are not paying attention to driving, but more interested in what is on their phones. What could be so important that they have to constantly do this? 

I think smart phones are great tools....no question, but I don't think they should reduce our capacity to communicate with other humans. I am trying very hard to teach my 13 year old son this. Use it as a tool, not a lifestyle. 

OK....rant over.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

This is why I don't have FB and never had an account. Out of all my family and friends I am literally the only one who doesn't have it. They all laugh at me but so what! Social networking to me is having a beer with a couple of buddies after work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> My wife and I don't have a lot of problems at this stage of life, but this one doesn't seem to want to go away.
> 
> We're spending the evening together, perhaps watching a movie. She can't or won't put down her cell phone, tablet, kindle, book, magazine, etc.
> 
> ...


This is a rather minor problem, but it is a problem of sorts.

I know a lot of women like this. Most of them don't socialize on the iPad while watching a movie with me; they do chores or small tasks.

My annoyance isn't that they DO these things, it is that they state (as some of the posters here have) that they 'aren't engrossed enough to ONLY pay attention'...but then they are bothering me the whole movie asking about what is actually going on!

So yeah...female multitasking: doing a bunch of different things in a mediocre way.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I'll be 50 this year so I am from the generation that grew up totally without all this social media crap, and there is nothing that makes me madder than to be talking to someone or in a meeting or whatever and they let their phone interrupt us. That is SO freaking rude.


 I'm 66. I have a cell phone. It's a dumb phone by most standards. It has a text button and a camera on it and I can't use either of them. Why? Because all I want it to do is ring when I get a phone call and when I make a phone call for the other person to answer. Nothing more.

I live with a good friend of mine and his fiance has a smart phone and a tablet. Her nose is buried in the tablet from the time she gets up until she goes to bed. Even plays it while sitting on the toilet.

She's not the only one that does this. Everywhere I go I see people buried in their phone texting. I saw a woman miss a step at a mall and fall down a flight of steps and the only thing she was worried about was where her phone was and if it was damaged. I got the heels of my feet run over at the supermarket by a lady texting and not watching where she was going. I was so pissed that I wanted to shove her phone up her ass so far that she would be the poster child for butt dialing.

Nothing can be that important.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, when you REALLY think about it, the TV is just another "gadget" not much different than a cellphone, iPad or tablet. Just has a bigger screen.

If you really want to spend quality time with your wife, why don't you ditch ALL the gadgets and do something where you can focus on each other, have a conversation, share a meal, have sex, anything but staring at another screen. 

You posted:


> *I usually end up saying, "I'd like to spend the evening with you honey, not your {Insert name of inanimate object}"*


Perhaps she feels the same about the TV that you do about her cellphone.

Just my 2 cents...


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Perhaps she feels the same about the TV that you do about her cellphone.


LOL - Would that this were so.....

Banishing the television from the bedroom was one of the biggest fights we've ever had. 

On a calmer note, my wife watches movies not just for the sake of the story. Professional writers tend to be extremely well read and screen writers are no exception. Very little of what you see in a movie or even a well written television series is random or accidental. Some people (Like my wife) look for and pick up on this stuff.

Simple example: In the second installment of the Matrix trilogy, the license plates of the vehicles are actually scriptural references. The plate on agent Smith's Audi is IS-5416. Isaiah 54:16 in the AV reads, "_Behold, I have created the *smith* that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy._"


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> We're spending the evening together, perhaps watching a movie. She can't or won't put down her cell phone, tablet, kindle, book, magazine, etc.


so you choose the film and then you get pissed off when she does not give it zombie like attention and instead would rather divide her time with a magazine, kindle or a newspaper.

IMO, that's control par excellence. 

While I might be annoyed if my fiance were to take non emergency phone calls, carry on a virtual conversation with the help of whatever messaging service, if I chose the movie or TV show, I would be happy just having in the same room with me.

But everybody and every couple is different.

We should also remember that this type of behavior has been around in the pre digital age.

Surely, some of you experienced the moment you are talking to someone in a store of office, the phone rings and suddenly the remote (prospective) customer becomes more important to them. Nothing has changed.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

It never hurts to read a thread before you reply.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> My wife and I don't have a lot of problems at this stage of life, but this one doesn't seem to want to go away.
> 
> We're spending the evening together, perhaps watching a movie. She can't or won't put down her cell phone, tablet, kindle, book, magazine, etc.
> 
> ...


Do you think she preoccupies herself with so many things because she trying to avoid intimacy...not just sex but closeness to you? Could she have any resentment?

If she is an overachiever she must be a first born people pleaser? :scratchhead:


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

over20 said:


> Do you think she preoccupies herself with so many things because she trying to avoid intimacy...not just sex but closeness to you? Could she have any resentment?


If you had asked me that five years ago, I would have agreed with the question. But we've been closer than ever now that the youngest has moved away and my wife's libido has actually been through the roof the last few years.

I guess my biggest concern here is that I understand that the latter condition is only temporary and really don't want a return to the bad old days where she would spend her evenings on the phone in front of the television and I would spend mine out in the garage/workshop. 

I really appreciate all the female replies on this thread and the message I'm taking away is that a certain amount of this is normal. I think the real question is one of degree.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I Notice The Details said:


> I have a sister who is constantly checking her phone. All of her Facebook replies go directly to her phone. She is constantly doing this and always has her head down looking at it. She struggles to carry on a conversation with others because she is always distracted. What is sad is that her daughter is learning from her example and is doing the exact same thing.
> 
> We recently had a family reunion and both of these two spent most of their time sitting in another room, looking down and interacting with their phones. All the rest of us had a great time interacting and talking with each other. I guess it comes down to priorities and habits....but this was sad to me to see my own sister choosing her "electronics" over interaction with her family. Every picture we have of her over the past 3 years shows her and her phone. This is ridiculous!!!!!!
> 
> ...





6301 said:


> She's not the only one that does this. Everywhere I go I see people buried in their phone texting. I saw a woman miss a step at a mall and fall down a flight of steps and the only thing she was worried about was where her phone was and if it was damaged. I got the heels of my feet run over at the supermarket by a lady texting and not watching where she was going. I was so pissed that I wanted to shove her phone up her ass so far that she would be the poster child for butt dialing.


Reminds me of the movie Wall-E.


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