# Banishment



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

This is mostly a vent thread, but advice will not be turned away.

Short story:
2 kids-stepdaughter, 22 and son, 18
Married for 20+ years
Oct 2013 - was informed that marriage was not repairable 
June 2014 - informed kids and family of said fact
Sept 2014 - tipped off by anonymous person that there was long term affair (this was 2 days before move out date)
Feb 2015 - divorce final

My thread is out there-making it about me now...

My ex has narcissistic tendencies. I know this now, but of course did not when we were together. I know I am much happier without him, and my life is and will continue to be better. His family and our kids still believe that we simply drifted apart. Without my tipster, I'd still think that, too. (Cause ex is all about not looking like the bad guy...)

SD and I have had a strained relationship for years. I was never sure why, but now I'm seeing that she has the same narcissistic tendencies as her dad. And probably her mom, too. As she has gone through college and now the divorce, she has almost nothing to do with me. And I don't know why. 

On top of that, while his family still loves me, and would love to see me, I clearly no longer belong there, and at some point, had to start pulling away for my own health. 

The holidays were HORRIBLE. I am now going through some things that are bringing out the same feelings I had then. Like my SD's boyfriend is here from out of the country. She's spending time with everyone so they can meet him, even having a big family picnic this weekend...with my inlaws. And has not said a word to me.

I will get myself back to therapy, but thought I'd start here. Let me make it clear that overall, I'm doing great. I have great friends, a great job, I'm dating, and I'm always busy. Really... Doing well. 

Mostly.

How do people cope with the feeling that in part of your life, it's as though you died? And everyone you loved is just living life with you removed from the picture?

I have a great relationship with my son, but my parents are gone, and I'm not close to my siblings. My inlaws were my family. My SD was an infant when I came into her life. There was never a time I did not consider her to be my daughter. I feel like I'm the one who was loyal and dedicated and tried desperately to save a marriage the was doomed from the start, yet I'm the one who has lost nearly everything.

I feel banished. Completely cast aside. It is heartbreaking. 

/End vent...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I understand the feeling. It sucks to be honest.

You deal with it by building a new life for yourself. Make new friends. Find a new relationship when you are ready.

Do things like look on Find your people - Meetup and find things you like to do and go do them. You will meet people. Plan things that include these new people.

Can you rebuild some of the relationships with your family?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I understand the feeling. It sucks to be honest.
> 
> You deal with it by building a new life for yourself. Make new friends. Find a new relationship when you are ready.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response, Ele. I am doing all of those things. I have amazing friends. I have joined some running groups and I'm making more friends. I am usually really very happy with my life. 

The pain at times like this is just overwhelming. Maybe it's part of the healing...it hurts more because I AM feeling good most of the time. 

I'm not the kind of person who thinks like this, but it's just so unfair that he doesn't have to hurt. He gets it all. :crying:
And his chick on the side.

As for my family, I am rebuilding with some of them, but there aren't many of them to build with. And some I just don't have the desire to. I don't have room for emotional vampires, blood relatives or not. 

Like I said, I really just needed to vent. To have someone justify the pain. I've been through some rough stuff in life, but nothing has ever hurt quite like this part.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TooNice you deserve some fun and happiness, I hope you are able to work through this and experience it.
Take care!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TooNice said:


> This is mostly a vent thread, but advice will not be turned away.
> 
> Short story:
> 2 kids-stepdaughter, 22 and son, 18
> ...


* TooNice: Your "rant" certainly resonates with me, in that I felt basically the very same way about my rich, skanky XW's family, who I felt had adopted me as their own, just as I had adopted them! 

So, much like you, I definitely know what "banishment" feels like!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TooNice said:


> Thanks for the response, Ele. I am doing all of those things. I have amazing friends. I have joined some running groups and I'm making more friends. I am usually really very happy with my life.
> 
> The pain at times like this is just overwhelming. Maybe it's part of the healing...it hurts more because I AM feeling good most of the time.
> 
> ...


Good to hear that you are getting out and have a good strong social life. 

Yea, there will be times when you are just sucked into the feelings of how profoundly unfair things are. Life is just like that sometimes. 

I have some of that feeling sometimes. It gets to be less over time. The people who hurt you get to be less and less important to you over time. 

Like your SD. She does not deserve your concern and care if that's the way she is treating you. And over time you will most likely put it in perspective.

I hope that happens sooner than later for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it can be very difficult to let go of your spouse's children and family (my ex-husband's family was my family for 45 years). But there's a reason for the saying that blood is thicker than water. Families generally choose to stick together. Your SD feels her loyalty to her father overrides her loyalty to you. Many (not all) children unfortunately feel that way about a step-parent when divorce happens. 

Letting go is often a very slow process. It would be wonderful if it happened overnight but unfortunately it doesn't and unraveling ties can be a painful process. Time helps and in my case it was the only thing that did. The trick for me was living through the ups and downs until I finally got to a place of indifference. But I did and you will too.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My problem was kind of the opposite....my ex's family did everything they could to keep me involved, always calling and inviting me to family functions, or just calling to say hello. Heck they were my family for over 20 years, I was closer to them than my own family.

Funny thing is I just kind of fazed myself out of their lives, my bad I guess. As time went on and my life changed I just didn't feel connected to them any more, there's no hard feelings and no drama but they just aren't part of my world any longer.

TooNice my guess is over time your life will change as well and things will evolve so you have new family and friends. Right now it kind of sucks because you feel surgically cut off from a big part of your life, let yourself grow and move forward, that's really the only option.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks so much, everyone.
I know you are all correct - the answer is time. And coming to terms with not giving love and energy to a person who does not wish to have it, and certainly does not give back.

It's just so sad for me to know that my family will be together all weekend, celebrating the opportunity to meet this man who is so important to my SD... who is so much my daughter. And it is all happening with me simply removed from the picture. I have plenty to do over the weekend, and I will be with friends old and new, doing things I enjoy. But it's still sad for me. They all get to go on and love each other and be together and laugh and build memories, and I'm just...gone. 

I haven't seen my therapist in months, but I have an appointment next week. 

Thank you for being here and "listening". I do love these boards and support you all give!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I swear I could have written your posts. I mean, not the actual situation. But the feelings. The loss. The grief. The loneliness. And yeah I don't always feel that way, but when I do it's devastating. So far the only way I've coped is by posting here, remembering that I usually feel better after a good cry, and in general taking care of myself. I don't think there is anything to be done. We don't get over divorce, we get through it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

BlueWoman said:


> We don't get over divorce, we get through it.


This is so true...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Well, here we go.

My SD and her boyfriend picked up my son today to go to a baseball game with him and my ex. I went out to say hi to SD and meet her boyfriend, and my ex was there too. We all chatted for a few, and when my son came out they headed to the car. I turned to head to my house, and saw HER sitting in the front seat. So, she is officially in my children's lives. She has filled the spot. 

She is at a baseball game, spending more time with my SD than I have in eight months. Learning about her boyfriend. Asking my son questions about his life. Talking to them. Laughing with them. 

I am over my marriage. I do not miss my ex. 

This? This sucks.

Now, do I talk to my son about it? This has to be hard for him, too.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Talk to your son? Sure but in very general terms, please don't lay out your resentment and pain and hope your son picks sides. It may be hard to except but "others" will now become a part of your son's life, all you can do is keep on being the loving parent you are. You can talk with him about the changes and how he feels about them, but always keep in mind he loves both parents and wants both his parents to be happy. Someone new may be sitting in the passenger seat, but that doesn't erase all the years you were in that seat. All you can do is give hugs and say have fun.

This is a great time to extend and olive branch to your SD. Send her a thank you note, thank her for keeping your son in her life and thinking of him. Tell her she has been a sister to him for years and that will never change. Tell her you know how the family dynamics have changed but you miss her and hope to stay a part of her life. Maybe offer to take her to lunch, and if you go keep the conversation positive.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Cooper said:


> Talk to your son? Sure but in very general terms, please don't lay out your resentment and pain and hope your son picks sides. It may be hard to except but "others" will now become a part of your son's life, all you can do is keep on being the loving parent you are. You can talk with him about the changes and how he feels about them, but always keep in mind he loves both parents and wants both his parents to be happy. Someone new may be sitting in the passenger seat, but that doesn't erase all the years you were in that seat. All you can do is give hugs and say have fun.
> 
> This is a great time to extend and olive branch to your SD. Send her a thank you note, thank her for keeping your son in her life and thinking of him. Tell her she has been a sister to him for years and that will never change. Tell her you know how the family dynamics have changed but you miss her and hope to stay a part of her life. Maybe offer to take her to lunch, and if you go keep the conversation positive.



No, I am careful to not put him in the middle. Which is why I was wondering if I should say something. We did talk some last night, and he told me about the day and what they did. I could tell he was carefully skirting around the fact that she was there, though. Finally, I just said I was going to tackle to elephant in the room. I said I knew dad had a girl with them, and it was ok to talk about it. 

He looked at me and asked, "Who is she? How does he know her?" 

Wow. My ex is a real piece of work.

I simply responded that he'd have to ask his dad if he has any questions like that, but I'd always be here and he should feel comfortable to talk with me about anything. 

I did ask when he met her for the first time, and it was right after he got home from college. Just kills me that I prepped the kid two months ago that I may hit a concert or festival with a guy here and there this summer. I wanted time for that to settle with him. But the OW just shows up and his father has no discussions with him about it. Wow. 

I have no issue with my ex dating. I have no issue with another woman being in my kids' lives. My issue is that right now, that woman is the woman who helped to ruin my marriage and with my ex, stole time away from our family for years. I will gladly accept the next one, but never this one. I need to be careful to let that storm open without help from me, but I will be there for my son when it does. Especially since his father clearly isn't going to be sensitive about it. 

And thank you for the advice about my SD. I will try that. I've just extended so many olive branches, I need to accept at some point that I can't love someone who is unwilling to love me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Well handled TooNice. Your scenario sounds very much like mine so I know how much it sucks. My ex moved out of our home, left me and our two kids and instantly became a step mom to four kids, and even a grandmother to three. She never gave a moments consideration as to how this affected our kids, never talked with them about it, never did slow introductions and eased them into it, everything just changed in one weekend and she had a new home and family.

Breaking the ice with your son was a good thing, if not the OW's presence would always be the elephant in the room and your son would always feel conflicted as to what he should or shouldn't say to you. Nice job at being the considerate and mature parent.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, Cooper. I truly appreciate the kind words. There are no right answers for these situations, only what we think might be right for us, right? So we have to do it and hope like heck it is the right thing!

Wow... I am shaking my head at your situation. I just cannot comprehend what happens to these people to make them turn into such different people than the ones we thought we married. I'm sorry you and your children have had to go through that.

I know my son is an adult, but it doesn't mean he's not struggling with the the divorce and the change in our family dynamic. I'm disappointed in the "man" his dad has turned out to be and will do all I can to protect my son, even if it means protecting his dad for the time being, too.

But I still won't be kind to HER. >


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear you are working through some pain. 

I'd like to advise you to learn everything you can about narcissistic personality disorder. The more you learn, the clearer things will be and it WILL bring you a LOT of peace - with your ex, this OW, the daughter... it may be sad but you will really begin to understand their mindset. You won't be envious, or feel left out - you will feel free. Maybe a bit gullible (I did) but I kept reminding myself that being a trusting, forthright person is GOOD. I will continue to be that person, albeit a little wiser. 

As you learn about the disorder, you will begin to pinpoint more things that are attributed to that. You will understand their motivations and they are truly sad and pathetic at the bottom of the lies and facade. Yes, he hid the OW so he looked good. The minute she doesn't feed his ego or make him look good, she'll be gone. Or maybe he'll marry her so he still looks good. *shrug* It's not about love. It's what can she do for him. The daughter will always feel superior and they will view the world, and you, in black and white. There is no neutral territory - people will either be on your side or his. If they aren't on his, he will have no use for them. His family will likely feel bad but will stick with his 'side' to keep the peace. How terrible a whole family can be dominated and manipulated by such a small man.

So read up on it - it will be very telling. ETA - He didn't change. He was only able to hide his true self. He will continue to do that.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are working through some pain.
> 
> I'd like to advise you to learn everything you can about narcissistic personality disorder. The more you learn, the clearer things will be and it WILL bring you a LOT of peace - with your ex, this OW, the daughter... it may be sad but you will really begin to understand their mindset. You won't be envious, or feel left out - you will feel free. Maybe a bit gullible (I did) but I kept reminding myself that being a trusting, forthright person is GOOD. I will continue to be that person, albeit a little wiser.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this. It's so true. I have read up on it a great deal. While he does not necessarily fit the full blown extreme, he is without a doubt a narcissist. I've only recently started to look at his daughter that way, too. Ultimately, that will help me get through the situation with her as well. 

He really is a very small man.


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