# New marriage help



## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

I've been married for almost a year (a year next month) 
We're both from different countries (different culture, language, etc) I moved to Turkey to be with him and found out a lot of things he had said to me before we moved didn't happen (he says he didn't expect them not to happen and i think he should have made sure before telling me anything, so i take them as lies of some sort) 
So i got disappointed and felt betrayed. Couldn't find a job (i'm a designer) because of the whole language issue (they mostly speak turkish here, very very little english or any other language) 
So now i feel really resentful towards him for leaving a far more comfortable life back home and being stuck here in this country where i can't have a meaningful conversation with too many people (my turkish is pretty basic)
Sometimes everything builds up in my mind and i have a breakdown - crying, screaming : the works. He ignores me, claims he can't speak to me, i'm always making issues, blah blah. That just upsets me more, makes me cry harder and i have started to hate him now  
I loved him a lot , enough to move all the way but now i can't stop resenting him especially with the way i think he treats me.
Am i overreacting? 
(I'm 26 he is 30)


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## Mrs.Saucy (Jul 21, 2011)

You are frustrated because you feel that you can't communicate. Would he move somewhere that you can speak the language? Can he help you learn? Are you able to take language courses since you aren't working?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If you can't back off, you have to blend in! 

Whenever you go to a new place, they won't change, you have to learn to adapt to this new culture and this new way of living. If money is not an issue, then don't worry about finding a job now. If you are determined to continue, learn their language, learn their culture, learn to live like them, then you will be happy!

International marriages are not easy no matter you step up or step down, they all have problems, just different.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> If you can't back off, you have to blend in!
> 
> Whenever you go to a new place, they won't change, you have to learn to adapt to this new culture and this new way of living. If money is not an issue, then don't worry about finding a job now. If you are determined to continue, learn their language, learn their culture, learn to live like them, then you will be happy!
> 
> International marriages are not easy no matter you step up or step down, they all have problems, just different.


:iagree:

This could be a great opportunity to learn and blend in with another culture. There will be moments of home-sickness but if you can continue through that and find some positives, then try to embrace the experience! You'll become a stronger person for it.


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

He lied to you my friend. And he is a selfish person. He didn't care about your dreams or your happiness. Now he is treating you badly. Come back home (USA?). you don't have any children so it's almost as if he is just a bad boyfriend. 

Next time; listen to your family and use your head instead of your heart.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks for the replies  
@ Mrs.Saucy : He speaks english well enough so we don't have language issues whilst communicating. Just the typical male thing about not discussing anything that's bothering him :-S 
He says i always say whats on my mind and sort of unload myself (i do but by the time i'm upset enough to discuss anything i'm usually pretty rude and negative with him). Sometimes i don't know how to talk to him at all.. as in how to go about discussing anything without sounding like i'm blaming him or vice versa.
I have been learning Turkish but learning any language isn't a short process, i'm getting better slowly. As for moving somewhere, he currently has a job where he's learning and getting an opportunity to experiment a lot so i don't really want to spoil that for him. 
I'm doing a little part time job that keeps my mind occupied to some extent plus we have a puppy who drives me mad for the rest of the time  
Is there a more effective way of communicating with men? I tend to get overly emotional and upset and then just end up sounding like i'm blaming him (he feels like i am then feels useless and inadequate) 
Thank you so much for your reply!! sorry for my essay like answer


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

@ Greenpearl and heartsbreaking : i agree the experience is great and i'm doing my best to blend in. Its just that sometimes i can feel a bit lonely and with other issues on my mind it makes me feel really sad Eg: we went swimming and lots of other people from the building complex were swimming, everyone smiles at me but no one really makes any effort to include me in their conversations, i guess i'm just wallowing in self pity a bit  
but its true that i'm becoming a stronger person. Its not that he is not helping me but sometimes i miss having female friends to just do random stuff with. I've made just a couple of friends here but no one really close. And sometimes i feel like men think on a completely different plane! I don't know if i should waste energy trying to understand him or not! 
I can scream at my husband out of frustration and the next day if i give him a hug he'll be completely fine and go about as if nothing's happened.  i'm sure its a good thing (?) but i wonder if he will ever try to find out what caused all the drama?
Thank you for taking the time for replying


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

@kidcanman: Well he's not that bad  maybe i exaggerated a bit because i was really upset. And i think that going back home (i'm indian not american, i used to live in Bombay) wont really solve anything because i need to learn to deal with people (or just men) in general or i'll have the same problem in all my other relationships (right?)


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Peanutbutter said:


> @ Greenpearl and heartsbreaking : i agree the experience is great and i'm doing my best to blend in. Its just that sometimes i can feel a bit lonely and with other issues on my mind it makes me feel really sad Eg: we went swimming and lots of other people from the building complex were swimming, everyone smiles at me but no one really makes any effort to include me in their conversations, i guess i'm just wallowing in self pity a bit
> but its true that i'm becoming a stronger person. Its not that he is not helping me but sometimes i miss having female friends to just do random stuff with. I've made just a couple of friends here but no one really close. And sometimes i feel like men think on a completely different plane! I don't know if i should waste energy trying to understand him or not!
> I can scream at my husband out of frustration and the next day if i give him a hug he'll be completely fine and go about as if nothing's happened.  i'm sure its a good thing (?) but i wonder if he will ever try to find out what caused all the drama?
> Thank you for taking the time for replying


How to Fight Fairly | Sympatico.ca Lifestyle

Peanutbutter,

I found this article today, it might be good for you to read! 

Men usually try to put up with us, but we can't go too far! 

One day they will get tired of us if we keep on fighting with them! So better find a better way to stop fighting with him! Occasionally is OK! Can be fun sometimes! But not too often, and we have to remember the rules listed from the article! 

I am in the same situation with you! I come from China, but I live in Taiwan, my husband is from Canada, both of us are far away from our home countries. But I love the place where I live now! I don't have any close friends, but I like a lot of things here. 

When you want to talk to people, you can't wait for them to come up to talk to you, because they might be waiting for you to start the conversation first. I am not very assertive either, I want to talk to people, but I am too shy to strike up a conversation. Family members first maybe, it's easy to find things to talk to them!


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## foxyroxy1 (Jul 14, 2011)

It sounds like your heart has been broken. You are struggling to work out if it is worthwhile still investing in the marriage. There is a part of you that feels that this is not what you signed up for! The best thing you can do is to listen to your worries and take them seriously. Make sure that you are getting support from friends and family...even if it is at a distance. Communication is the most important tool you have, and if your husband refuses to listen to you, try and find a local therapist to speak to. You can read my ebook on improving communication at Marriage Counselling, Relationship Counselling, Teen Issues, Parenting Skills, Family Therapy, Stress and Anxiety - Adele Fifer


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

@ greenpearl :  thank you for the link! I read it and it makes sense  i'm going go try and apply some of the points. I'm too shy to strike up a conversation too and when i have to speak in turkish my brain sort of shuts down unless the other person is really chatty and encourages me  
You're right about the frequent fighting... it's putting a great strain on the relationship... hopefully with time i'll grow up and bit and be able to control extreme emotions a bit better (?) 
<3


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

@ foxyroxy1 : Thank you for your reply! 
Everything you said is true  i just can't make him understand how i feel and i guess its time i got over the disappointment and moved on, i try and it works great for a while then some issue comes up and i fall into the whole mess again. 
I've been talking a lot with my mother and sister and they keep giving me support and advice but i can't bother them (i feel guilty and bad for them) 
I am not sure if my husband doesn't want to listen to me or simply can't understand what i want from him. I don't know how to effectively communicate with him either! 
Thank you for the link, i'll try the ebook


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Peanutbutter said:


> I'm too shy to strike up a conversation too and when i have to speak in turkish my brain sort of shuts down unless the other person is really chatty and encourages me
> 
> <3


I am the same! 

I used to go to Sunday meetings, and I would just sit there for others to come to talk to me! I was even worse, when somebody did come to talk to me, I didn't know what to talk to them! 

Now I find out if I want to talk to people, just keep on asking them about their life! We want others to be interested in our life, so I am sure others are the same, they want people to be interested in their life. So we take the first step, problem solved!  

You still have the language barrier, take you time. When you speak Turkish very well, you will have no problem, you have a kind heart.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Peanutbutter said:


> @ foxyroxy1 : Thank you for your reply!
> Everything you said is true  i just can't make him understand how i feel and i guess its time i got over the disappointment and moved on, i try and it works great for a while then some issue comes up and i fall into the whole mess again.
> I've been talking a lot with my mother and sister and they keep giving me support and advice but i can't bother them (i feel guilty and bad for them)
> I am not sure if my husband doesn't want to listen to me or simply can't understand what i want from him. I don't know how to effectively communicate with him either!
> Thank you for the link, i'll try the ebook


Peanutbutter,

International marriages are not easy! 

First you and your husband have gender issues, men and women think differently. Very often men and women are frustrated that they don't understand what each other really mean and want. You will see a lot from this forum. It's great that you are on TAM now, go to men's club and read their frustration, and you will understand a lot about men! 

Second you and your husband have different family backgrounds, so your opinion about life is different. What is fine with him may not be OK with you! What is OK with you may not be fine with him! 

Third you and your husband have language and culture problem, you have to adapt to a new country and new culture, it makes things more complicated plus the above two issues. A lot of people get burned out just by the two issues above, and you have the third one! 

Sometimes we find it difficult to accept the fact, especially when it is not what we expected. But after we accept the fact, we actually find peace flowing to us. 

For a long time, I was struggling with being far away from my family and I couldn't go home often, the longing was just driving me crazy! I missed everything at home even though things at home were not that great. But after I accepted that living abroad is the fact and there is nothing I can do about it, I felt much better. I became more focused maybe!  Focus on my life in Taiwan, and make the best of it!  Focus on my husband and make him happy! Focus on my job( I couldn't work until sex years later. I have been in Taiwan for 15 years.) and get a lot of joy out of it! I know you are a designer, but do you want to become an English teacher? Do they need English teachers there in Turkey?


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