# How Out of Line is Hubby?



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

Somebody please help me here. My husband and I are on the brink of divorce for many reasons, but the first and foremost problem is my husband's substance abuse problems. We have been together 25 years and he has run a range of various drugs he has abused - his current drug of choice is alcohol. He has been drinking steadily for about 4 years.

About 6 months ago I told him he had to stop. He did good for a few months, then started drinking again. He has been able to control it fairly well, but since he hides it, I am not really sure how much he is drinking. I know that he has driven when he probably shouldn't have been and I told him I simply cannot live with someone who drinks and drives.

Six or 8 weeks ago, after I suspected he had had more to drink than he should have to be driving, I decided I had had enough. Hubby and I had it out, he eventually went to his mother's one night and they talked. She convinced him that he needs to do whatever it takes to fix things. He says "for the kids". Well, "the kids" are 25 and almost 18. I told hubby he needs to do it for us and he needs to do what he wants to do - the kids are grown. The damage is done.

He went to the counselor once and then, due to a series of unfortunate events, he has not been able to go back yet, but is scheduled to do so on Friday. I have been to the counselor several times myself. 

Two weekends ago hubby and I were intimate for the first time in about 6 weeks. I felt that he had been trying, from what I could tell he had not been drinking and he had gone to the counselor without much of a fight. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated that he was trying. So, on Sunday we slept together. Tuesday he went drinking after work! My daughter and I had to go to a meeting, but before we left I said - if you have any more alcohol, you need to dump it out. If you are going to drink more tonight I don't want to be around you when we get back. He gave me this look, as he usually does when I call him on his drinking. The look is a frown/confused look like... what's the problem? I said - you have been drinking, right? He said he drank after work. That was the last time we spoke.

I went to the counselor by myself this past Saturday. He said that I should write hubby a note and let him know why this time upset me so badly. Tell him it was like spitting in my face after I had opened myself up to him emotionally like that. Hubby traditionally does not read my notes, but the counselor said to write it anyhow, that it would be good for me. So, on Saturday I wrote the note and told him how hurt I was that he drank two days after we made love.

Sunday was Mother's Day - he still said nothing to me. I wrote a second note. This one saying that his drinking has pushed us to the brink of divorce. That I have asked him and our daughter has asked him to stop drinking. I told him that drinking after work (instead of at home) is not an acceptable solution - he has to really stop. The fact that he hasn't tells me one of two things - he either can't stop, or doesn't want to stop. I told him that if he can't stop, he needs to get help. If he doesn't want to stop, he might as well pack his things - there is no need for all of us to be going thru this. I told him, as I have many time, that it is all up to him now. I told him that we have other problems, yes. And, that I know I am not perfect either. But, that the first thing that has to be addressed is his drinking.

Hubby has still not spoken to me. It has been 8 days now. I don't know if maybe he thinks I am the one giving him the silent treatment? That is not my style. He is the master of the silent treatment. I feel like I wrote him the note about how much he hurt me and he said nothing. On Mother's Day to completely ignore me - well, that hurt too. I called the counselor and told him that I feel the ball is in hubby's court. He agreed and told me to just keep on the way we are. He said that he will see hubby on Friday and see if he can find out what is going on in his head.

Right now, I feel like the message I am getting is loud and clear. He is choosing to end the marriage - whether it is for the drinking, or other reasons - I am not really sure. Maybe he is calling my bluff - I really don't know. What I do know is, if he still isn't talking to me by the beginning of next week - I am taking off my wedding ring, consulting both my mother and father about how they can help me with a legal separation or divorce, keeping my house, etc.

I have left out tons of information, I am sure - but I could go on for days - basically, my question to all you married people is this...

Am I giving up too easily? Or is hubby being a big jerk and not really trying? I am the kind of person that will fight to the end to try and fix a marriage - but I can't fix it on my own.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Sandy


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sandy,
your request should be a demand, full on with consequences. you will LEAVE if he does not stop this destructive behavior. show him. rat hole away some money as part of an exit strategy. put the fear into him. it works.

you obviously still love him. that's cool. don't use sex as a reward for his "progress." and look at what happens when he thinks he's "won." he goes back and drinks. wow.


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