# Husband has lost sex drive



## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

To preface, husband and I have been together for three years, married for four months, and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. We both work full time but are happy. 

That being said, I'm not satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning, we had regular sex, almost every day. After I was pregnant, that dwindled down to once, maybe twice a week. So I figured it was the pregnancy. I assumed after I had the baby and lost the weight, we'd go back to normal. Here it is, I'm 6 months post partum and in the best shape of my life, hitting the gym four times a week, and I am BARELY getting any. I attempted to seduce him into the bedroom three weeks ago, and he lost his erection as soon as we changed positions, and we didn't have any after that. I finally confronted him, asked him why. He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex? He replied that he was stressed and not feeling attractive. I told him I understood, and we can go at his pace. But the problem is, I'm stressed, too! I work full time, take care of our daughter and two dogs, take care of everything at home and pay most of our bills. And I need to know when to possibly expect sex. I know it's not "sexy", but I have to make sure certain things are done before we do. If the laundry needs to be done, I haven't showered, and it's time for my girl to nurse, I CAN'T drop everything and get naked when he is finally in the mood. I have to have some notice. But how can I have notice for something that may or may not happen once or twice a month? And not to mention, I have just as high of a sex drive as I did three years ago, so now I'm thirsty af for my husband, and he is content to smack my butt when I walk by and leave it at that? I could be happy with sex twice or even once a week but it's getting more rare. What can I do to help his stress load or make him feel more attractive? He won't talk about his day, he just wants to be left alone to game. Which I do, I never bother him. Will doing anything help? I need some male opinions here. What would you want your wife to do? Let you have your space and just deal with less sex? Thanks in advance. 

Short version: Husband says he is too stressed for sex, but won't discuss it and won't listen to me when I compliment him. What can I do?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Out of curiosity, did he watch the birth? Meaning he actually watched your kid come out of you?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Has he had his testosterone levels checked lately ?


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Out of curiosity, did he watch the birth? Meaning he actually watched your kid come out of you?


Yes and no, the OB needed him to hold one of my legs, so he did glance down during the pushing, and caught a glimpse but he did not watch the entire birth. He has a pretty weak stomach.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Has he had his testosterone levels checked lately ?


No, he never has to my knowledge. But he wouldn't even if I asked, he has too much pride for that. He's attributing his lack of interest in sex to stress from work and not feeling like a good father. But that's definitely a possibility, but not one I would know how to rectify.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Speaking from personal experience being left alone to game is no good if you want to have sex (on either side).

In my marriage it has been one of either or us or both at the same time.

What got me close to where I wanted to be was getting to the point where I thought I tried all the stuff I could do by myself and mentally preparing to leave if things did not improve.

With that said after having that D day talk it has been a long process of improvement. When I thought I had tried everything I hadn’t, so I doubled down in some areas and tried to find new creative solutions to what my wife’s “brakes” are.

The obvious one for a man is to get him to make a doctors appointment to get his testosterone levels checked.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

New baby, an infinite supply of porn and video games.... potent combo.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

dadstartingover said:


> New baby, an infinite supply of porn and video games.... potent combo.


So you're saying that with the games to distract him, the porn to satisfy him, and the baby to turn him off, he doesn't have interest in sex with me? That checks out. I also watch porn and play video games, but still have an interest in him. Men and women are so different in a lot of ways. I'd be sick with myself for asking him to give up his game therapy and "personal time", do you have any suggestions to get his engine revving?


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Speaking from personal experience being left alone to game is no good if you want to have sex (on either side).
> 
> In my marriage it has been one of either or us or both at the same time.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input! I don't think he would go to the dr even if I made the appointment. But I'll see if he would be open to it. We both game. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. It's like having a beer after work to unwind. But maybe we could limit it, to maybe an hour or two. I've tried a lot, but perhaps you're right. Try, try again.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

EvesMom said:


> So you're saying that with the games to distract him, the porn to satisfy him, and the baby to turn him off, he doesn't have interest in sex with me? That checks out. I also watch porn and play video games, but still have an interest in him. Men and women are so different in a lot of ways. I'd be sick with myself for asking him to give up his game therapy and "personal time", do you have any suggestions to get his engine revving?


Bluntness. Men respond best to bluntness. We're not wired for nuance and ambiguity. It's sit-down time. "We're drifting apart. Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of any relationship. Our sex life has obviously dwindled since I got pregnant and had the kiddo. I get it how that can change the dynamic between a couple, but you have a VERY willing and ready woman here who can't wait to get it on... so you can see how it is hurtful when you instead resort to porn and video games. You get where I'm coming from here? Is there something we need work on to get you back in saddle? Be honest with me... because this can't go on for long. It will just mean the end of our marriage, and I really really don't want to go down that road. Work with me here."

With that being said... you MAY not like what he says. It may be something as simple and awful as "Since you became a mom... I lost all attraction to you" or "I started an emotional/physical relationship with somebody else". This whole thing could go down a lot of different roads.


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## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

EvesMom said:


> To preface, husband and I have been together for three years, married for four months, and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. We both work full time but are happy.
> 
> That being said, I'm not satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning, we had regular sex, almost every day. After I was pregnant, that dwindled down to once, maybe twice a week. So I figured it was the pregnancy. I assumed after I had the baby and lost the weight, we'd go back to normal. Here it is, I'm 6 months post partum and in the best shape of my life, hitting the gym four times a week, and I am BARELY getting any. I attempted to seduce him into the bedroom three weeks ago, and he lost his erection as soon as we changed positions, and we didn't have any after that. I finally confronted him, asked him why. He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex? He replied that he was stressed and not feeling attractive. I told him I understood, and we can go at his pace. But the problem is, I'm stressed, too! I work full time, take care of our daughter and two dogs, take care of everything at home and pay most of our bills. And I need to know when to possibly expect sex. I know it's not "sexy", but I have to make sure certain things are done before we do. If the laundry needs to be done, I haven't showered, and it's time for my girl to nurse, I CAN'T drop everything and get naked when he is finally in the mood. I have to have some notice. But how can I have notice for something that may or may not happen once or twice a month? And not to mention, I have just as high of a sex drive as I did three years ago, so now I'm thirsty af for my husband, and he is content to smack my butt when I walk by and leave it at that? I could be happy with sex twice or even once a week but it's getting more rare. What can I do to help his stress load or make him feel more attractive? He won't talk about his day, he just wants to be left alone to game. Which I do, I never bother him. Will doing anything help? I need some male opinions here. What would you want your wife to do? Let you have your space and just deal with less sex? Thanks in advance.
> 
> Short version: Husband says he is too stressed for sex, but won't discuss it and won't listen to me when I compliment him. What can I do?


An endocrinologist will not only be able to let him know if he is hypogonadal, but he could have other things off as well that are messing with his mental state. Bloodwork can be very telling. He shouldn't view it as being less of a man, but he might if its a female telling him he needs to get his "testosterone levels" checked. Maybe suggest he see an endocrinologist to have bloodwork done to see if that could be an issue with his disinterest in sex. However, with his regular self pleasure, I'm thinking this isn't a problem for him. 

He may truly be disinterested in sex with you because of his stress, which still needs to be addressed. I know I have had times where I was horny but knew it would be faster just to do it myself. Too stressed to slow down and attempt sex. I think that's okay, but not if it's come to the point where you are feeling unwanted and not having your needs met and you are clearly noticing he is still engaging in some kind of sex. With himself. You can't continue to sideline your needs that is going to bottle up and cause a not good situation. 

Some other things that you said are a bit concerning. He doesn't have sex with you, he doesn't talk about his day, he just wants to be alone and "game." You two have only been married for 3 years. You each have your own happiness and you bring that happiness together and share it, ESPECIALLY this early. It almost sounds like he isn't liking the life he chose. His actions don't speak to that of someone who wants to be around his wife (and child potentially, you didn't really speak on his interactions with your daughter) and he could just want to be alone. Your husband sounds like a best friend of mine who spent so much time focusing on himself that he couldn't hear his wife's cries for attention and change. She eventually stopped trying and left him. It was only then that he wokeup and realized he had torn his marriage apart because he wanted to be single and be married at the same time.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

dadstartingover said:


> Bluntness. Men respond best to bluntness. We're not wired for nuance and ambiguity. It's sit-down time. "We're drifting apart. Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of any relationship. Our sex life has obviously dwindled since I got pregnant and had the kiddo. I get it how that can change the dynamic between a couple, but you have a VERY willing and ready woman here who can't wait to get it on... so you can see how it is hurtful when you instead resort to porn and video games. You get where I'm coming from here? Is there something we need work on to get you back in saddle? Be honest with me... because this can't go on for long. It will just mean the end of our marriage, and I really really don't want to go down that road. Work with me here."
> 
> With that being said... you MAY not like what he says. It may be something as simple and awful as "Since you became a mom... I lost all attraction to you" or "I started an emotional/physical relationship with somebody else". This whole thing could go down a lot of different roads.


That's similar to what I said to him when I confronted him. His response was that between not doing well at his sales job, and feeling like he wasn't doing enough at home, he was stressed and felt really unattractive, especially compared to me losing all the baby weight and working out. When I asked what we could do to work on it, he just kept apologizing. He insisted that he found me extremely attractive, but that he hasn't been horny in the past few months, and that he hasn't even masturbated much recently. So he left the conversation at that, insisting that he loves me and wants me, but that he was sorry that his sex drive was so low. I told him not to apologize for that, but inside I was dying a little bit. Is there any way to boost his confidence besides compliments? Because those are doing nothing.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

emptyandoverit said:


> An endocrinologist will not only be able to let him know if he is hypogonadal, but he could have other things off as well that are messing with his mental state. Bloodwork can be very telling. He shouldn't view it as being less of a man, but he might if its a female telling him he needs to get his "testosterone levels" checked. Maybe suggest he see an endocrinologist to have bloodwork done to see if that could be an issue with his disinterest in sex. However, with his regular self pleasure, I'm thinking this isn't a problem for him.
> 
> He may truly be disinterested in sex with you because of his stress, which still needs to be addressed. I know I have had times where I was horny but knew it would be faster just to do it myself. Too stressed to slow down and attempt sex. I think that's okay, but not if it's come to the point where you are feeling unwanted and not having your needs met and you are clearly noticing he is still engaging in some kind of sex. With himself. You can't continue to sideline your needs that is going to bottle up and cause a not good situation.
> 
> Some other things that you said are a bit concerning. He doesn't have sex with you, he doesn't talk about his day, he just wants to be alone and "game." You two have only been married for 3 years. You each have your own happiness and you bring that happiness together and share it, ESPECIALLY this early. It almost sounds like he isn't liking the life he chose. His actions don't speak to that of someone who wants to be around his wife (and child potentially, you didn't really speak on his interactions with your daughter) and he could just want to be alone. Your husband sounds like a best friend of mine who spent so much time focusing on himself that he couldn't hear his wife's cries for attention and change. She eventually stopped trying and left him. It was only then that he wokeup and realized he had torn his marriage apart because he wanted to be single and be married at the same time.


Exactly! I feel that if I suggest it, his ego will be hurt. But maybe I could bring it up in some way. His masturbation has decreased somewhat in the past month, but I know he still does it when he disappears into the bathroom for an hour and forgets to flush. 🙄

I really don't mind the gaming, since we both do it. And he claims he likes to be alone because he has to constantly talk with and deal with people all day. He'll tell me about his days, but he won't share his stresses with me, or his worries. He likes my company, and spends a large amount of time with me on our day off. He doesn't spend much time with our daughter. He feels like he doesn't know what he's doing. And to be fair, a 6 month old isn't very interesting. I feel loved by him, and wanted. But just not sexually satisfied. You may have an excellent point. Don't we all sometimes long for the simple days of living alone with few responsibilities? But perhaps he is trying too hard to relive those days. That's definitely something to consider, thank you.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

There are a lot of studies out there showing a correlation between constant video gaming (1 hour a day or more) and male sex drive. There are a lot of studies as well suggesting correlation between regular porn consumption as an agent that desensitizes men to sex. I’d suggest he lay off both for a few weeks and see if that improves things. At the very least it will put some focus on intimacy and free up time.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> There are a lot of studies out there showing a correlation between constant video gaming (1 hour a day or more) and male sex drive. There are a lot of studies as well suggesting correlation between regular porn consumption as an agent that desensitizes men to sex. I’d suggest he lay off both for a few weeks and see if that improves things. At the very least it will put some focus on intimacy and free up time.


You're absolutely right about those studies. But I would feel like a hypocrite asking him to give up or decrease those things when I do the exact same thing. But I may discuss limiting our gaming time, to just an hour a day during the week or something similar.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

EvesMom said:


> You're absolutely right about those studies. But I would feel like a hypocrite asking him to give up or decrease those things when I do the exact same thing. But I may discuss limiting our gaming time, to just an hour a day during the week or something similar.


It could be that those things don't affect women the same way. Bottom line, intimacy ought to come first so another option might be to go cold turkey, get the sex life in order and reintroduce those things if you want.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

EvesMom said:


> He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex?


The above, along with @FlaviusMaximus posts, should be taken seriously. A man will start to lose attraction for his wife with too much porn. To put it bluntly, he's also most likely desensitized from too much jacking off (they tend to get rough and then regular stimulation with you isn't enough). He's ruining himself and your sex life. You have to make him make a choice between porn/masturbation and you.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> It could be that those things don't affect women the same way. Bottom line, intimacy ought to come first so another option might be to go cold turkey, get the sex life in order and reintroduce those things if you want.


That's a good idea. Just to Jumpstart things again. Thank you for your input!


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

So Married said:


> The above, along with @FlaviusMaximus posts, should be taken seriously. A man will start to lose attraction for his wife with too much porn. To put it bluntly, he's also most likely desensitized from too much jacking off (they tend to get rough and then regular stimulation with you isn't enough). He's ruining himself and your sex life. You have to make him make a choice between porn/masturbation and you.


I don't disagree, but I do the same thing so wouldn't that be hypocritical?


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## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

EvesMom said:


> I don't disagree, but I do the same thing so wouldn't that be hypocritical?


How would it be hypocritical? Your game/porn consumption isn’t interfering in your marriage, his is. If you don’t want to be a hypocrite than join him and you too put the controller down. You’re not asking for him to put the gaming system on the shelf forever, just temporarily while you focus on playing the game of life. The video games will come back, porn too. It’s all healthy in moderation.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

emptyandoverit said:


> How would it be hypocritical? Your game/porn consumption isn’t interfering in your marriage, his is. If you don’t want to be a hypocrite than join him and you too put the controller down. You’re not asking for him to put the gaming system on the shelf forever, just temporarily while you focus on playing the game of life. The video games will come back, porn too. It’s all healthy in moderation.


It would be hypocritical for me to ask him to stop gaming and stop masturbating because I also do those things. I think a day or two is possible to Jumpstart things but that's literally what we do together for fun. We're gamers, it's the reason we began dating in the first place. The porn abstinence I can concede, though as is obvious from the past week where he hasn't masturbated, no porn for him doesn't equal sex for me. If I couldn't masturbate AND wasn't getting sex I very well may implode, haha. I really don't believe it's a porn or gaming issue. That has varied throughout our relationship, he watched porn and gamed all the time when we were having sex daily. I'm willing to go cold turkey for a day or two to see if it does anything, but I'm not convinced that will solve the issue.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

EvesMom said:


> I don't disagree, but I do the same thing so wouldn't that be hypocritical?


Only if you do those things to the degree that it ruins your sex life too.



EvesMom said:


> The porn abstinence I can concede, though as is obvious from the past week where he hasn't masturbated, no porn for him doesn't equal sex for me.


A week isn't long enough to "cure" anything. Do some research on porn abuse/addiction and death grip masturbation and how they ruin a man for sex.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

So Married said:


> Only if you do those things to the degree that it ruins your sex life too.
> 
> 
> 
> A week isn't long enough to "cure" anything. Do some research on porn abuse/addiction and death grip masturbation and how they ruin a man for sex.


I’ve done a lot of research on it, I looked heavily into it when our sex first started to decline. But as I said before, he watched porn and masturbated the entire first two years, and we still had sex almost every day. His masturbation has slowed down in the last month, and we’ve only attempted sex that one time. I just don’t see a correlation.
And I still wouldn’t be okay with asking him to stop while I do the same behavior. It doesn’t affect my sex life, but it wouldn’t be fair. That would be like me asking him to diet but continuing to bake all the time and eat the goodies he can’t have just because I have a faster metabolism.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

EvesMom said:


> Thank you for your input! I don't think he would go to the dr even if I made the appointment. But I'll see if he would be open to it. We both game. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. It's like having a beer after work to unwind. But maybe we could limit it, to maybe an hour or two. I've tried a lot, but perhaps you're right. Try, try again.


It’s exactly like a beer on too many ways. You know what else I stopped? Drinking at all on weekdays and drinking too much on the weekend (with rare exceptions).

Apparently it’s not attractive for my wife to bang a drunk idiot who takes forever. Who would have thought?

As for the doctors appointment if you’re both young just get him to go to get a physical and when he’s there have them run his testosterone.

I’m in my late 40s and go to the doctor regularly and believe me if I had downstairs problems I’d make an appointment just for that.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s exactly like a beer on too many ways. You know what else I stopped? Drinking at all on weekdays and drinking too much on the weekend (with rare exceptions).
> 
> Apparently it’s not attractive for my wife to bang a drunk idiot who takes forever. Who would have thought?
> 
> ...


That’s fair. And I could try that. He doesn’t have a mechanical problem. He can get it up, he only lost it that one time. It’s easy to get him to stand to attention, he just has no interest in actually having sex. Honestly it feels like he’s lazy. When I was pregnant, I did all the work. And I mean all of it. So I don’t think it’s a physical problem, but it couldn’t hurt to check.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

EvesMom said:


> That’s fair. And I could try that. He doesn’t have a mechanical problem. He can get it up, he only lost it that one time. It’s easy to get him to stand to attention, he just has no interest in actually having sex. Honestly it feels like he’s lazy. When I was pregnant, I did all the work. And I mean all of it. So I don’t think it’s a physical problem, but it couldn’t hurt to check.


Hmm...

Well along the lines of what others suggested you know what is even lazier than letting your partner do all the work? Porn.

I didn’t mention it but I quit that too. I am much higher libido than my wife but it was a lazy out that was suppressing my desire for her which was setting me up to allow the problem to go for as long as it did.

Sit him down once you have your thoughts gathered and tell him how important the intimacy is for your relationship. Take your time though and think about what you want to say, how you will deliver it, and maybe think about asking him what’s stopping him to see if it’s stuff you can work on together.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EvesMom said:


> So you're saying that with the games to distract him, the porn to satisfy him, and the baby to turn him off, he doesn't have interest in sex with me? That checks out. I also watch porn and play video games, but still have an interest in him. Men and women are so different in a lot of ways. I'd be sick with myself for asking him to give up his game therapy and "personal time", do you have any suggestions to get his engine revving?


No more porn for him.

His body and mind has adapted to his hand. He needs to break out of that mindset.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm...
> 
> Well along the lines of what others suggested you know what is even lazier than letting your partner do all the work? Porn.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this is extremely helpful. I'll talk to him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EvesMom said:


> What can I do to help his stress load or make him feel more attractive? He won't talk about his day, he just wants to be left alone to game. Which I do, I never bother him. Will doing anything help? I need some male opinions here. What would you want your wife to do? Let you have your space and just deal with less sex? Thanks in advance.
> 
> Short version: Husband says he is too stressed for sex, but won't discuss it and won't listen to me when I compliment him. What can I do?


Not a male opinion/suggestion, still here goes! When my husband expresses forms of stress, I have learned to listen and basically ask him what he needs from me and sometimes that also includes asking if there’s anything I’m doing that’s contributing to him feeling that way. Sounds lame in type but with verbal dialogue it makes sense and has natural flow. And, often his response to this helps me to reframe my view and understand what he might need from me. This is not a dialogue to react to... what I mean is, that he’s told me before he’s not felt supported by me with a certain thing. Inside I might have felt flabbergasted to learn this, but I asked and he’s telling me, so I listen. Not just hear the words; rather, a quick mental process of squashing my own ego (aka potential defensiveness) to absorb what he is saying and feeling and then what he needs from me / how I’m missing the mark for him that could help him and us. And there are times where there might not be my involvement so much. My husband is very supportive of me and has shared similar dialogue with roles reversed.

So while you no doubt have a lot on your own plate, he is having his own separate experience. I’m writing this not about sex or the physical but to understand where he’s at and what he might need. My suggestion is to ask him directly - and tone and body language forms part of the communication. He’s your man. This isn’t pity, frustration, worry, or trying to solve for him.

When my husband and I talk the way I mentioned above, it’s pretty direct and succinct. I ask questions and listen and typically what he has shared is reasonable. I relay back that I get it.

Just sharing as a thought for you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

EvesMom said:


> He replied that he was stressed and not feeling attractive.


Eves, sounds to me like your pregnancy and seeing the birth of your baby screwed him up. After all, it doesn't sound like y'all had a problem before the kid. I had a couple of buddies say to me they never looked at their wives the same after seeing that thing turned inside out. Some men are ok, and never affected by it and some are not. Of course him watching porn and spanking his monkey all the time ain't helping. Everytime you want some, he feels like he just had some. He is using it as a substitute for actual sex with you BTW. But like you say, it would be a shame if he had to give up widow thumb and her four daughters to take care of his selfish wife's sexual needs. How much are you expecting this man to sacrifice.
Regarding the testosterone test, the lab can test for that along with the other "stuff" from a blood panel. It ain't like its a big deal.

The other advise/recommendations I may have, you ain't likely to go for. Give it another couple or three years of his crap and you'll likely be more open to the idea.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EvesMom said:


> To preface, husband and I have been together for three years, married for four months, and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. We both work full time but are happy.
> 
> That being said, I'm not satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning, we had regular sex, almost every day. After I was pregnant, that dwindled down to once, maybe twice a week. So I figured it was the pregnancy. I assumed after I had the baby and lost the weight, we'd go back to normal. Here it is, I'm 6 months post partum and in the best shape of my life, hitting the gym four times a week, and I am BARELY getting any. I attempted to seduce him into the bedroom three weeks ago, and he lost his erection as soon as we changed positions, and we didn't have any after that. I finally confronted him, asked him why. He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex? He replied that he was stressed and not feeling attractive. I told him I understood, and we can go at his pace. But the problem is, I'm stressed, too! I work full time, take care of our daughter and two dogs, take care of everything at home and pay most of our bills. And I need to know when to possibly expect sex. I know it's not "sexy", but I have to make sure certain things are done before we do. If the laundry needs to be done, I haven't showered, and it's time for my girl to nurse, I CAN'T drop everything and get naked when he is finally in the mood. I have to have some notice. But how can I have notice for something that may or may not happen once or twice a month? And not to mention, I have just as high of a sex drive as I did three years ago, so now I'm thirsty af for my husband, and he is content to smack my butt when I walk by and leave it at that? I could be happy with sex twice or even once a week but it's getting more rare. What can I do to help his stress load or make him feel more attractive? He won't talk about his day, he just wants to be left alone to game. Which I do, I never bother him. Will doing anything help? I need some male opinions here. What would you want your wife to do? Let you have your space and just deal with less sex? Thanks in advance.
> 
> Short version: Husband says he is too stressed for sex, but won't discuss it and won't listen to me when I compliment him. What can I do?


He's nuts. I watched both boys births, and honestly did have to accept, file it away, and move on.

But by the time she was able to have sex again in six weeks or so, no worries at all.

Compartmentalization is key. I also don't think about cleaning fish or critters after a successful hunting trip either 🙄🙂🙂 during sex.

I just pay attention to the naked lady in front of me. Problem solved.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

T


heartsbeating said:


> Not a male opinion/suggestion, still here goes! When my husband expresses forms of stress, I have learned to listen and basically ask him what he needs from me and sometimes that also includes asking if there’s anything I’m doing that’s contributing to him feeling that way. Sounds lame in type but with verbal dialogue it makes sense and has natural flow. And, often his response to this helps me to reframe my view and understand what he might need from me. This is not a dialogue to react to... what I mean is, that he’s told me before he’s not felt supported by me with a certain thing. Inside I might have felt flabbergasted to learn this, but I asked and he’s telling me, so I listen. Not just hear the words; rather, a quick mental process of squashing my own ego (aka potential defensiveness) to absorb what he is saying and feeling and then what he needs from me / how I’m missing the mark for him that could help him and us. And there are times where there might not be my involvement so much. My husband is very supportive of me and has shared similar dialogue with roles reversed.
> 
> So while you no doubt have a lot on your own plate, he is having his own separate experience. I’m writing this not about sex or the physical but to understand where he’s at and what he might need. My suggestion is to ask him directly - and tone and body language forms part of the communication. He’s your man. This isn’t pity, frustration, worry, or trying to solve for him.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! This was more the type of advice I was hoping to hear, so thank you for your input. I've tried asking him what I can do, or just to let him talk, but he always looks at me blankly and says that he can't think of anything to say. But I'll keep trying. He has ADHD, also, so he's feeling the stress and tension but can't really focus on the reason once he's home from work.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> He's nuts. I watched both boys births, and honestly did have to accept, file it away, and move on.
> 
> But by the time she was able to have sex again in six weeks or so, no worries at all.
> 
> ...


Exactly! I don't think seeing our girl was the issue. He only glanced down and saw the side of her head, it's not like he even had a front row seat. He changed jobs right before I had her and it has been contributing the most to his stress. People here are focusing on the gaming, masturbating, and the baby. But the baby doesn't bother him and we have both always gamed and watched porn. I'm here more or less looking for advice to build up his confidence and do what I can to decrease his stress. Thanks for your perspective. 😁


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He is stressed because he isn't doing enough around the house? Why don't you have him take over some of the chores? You don't have to do everything and everything doesn't have to be done to your standards. Start with the dogs. He can take them for a walk when he gets home from work and the fresh air and exercise might ease his stress and then add on the laundry.

I've honestly never heard someone use the excuse that they're stressed because they're not doing enough chores.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Exactly Blondie. I was stressed once when looking at all the work evolved in restoring my old Chevy truck. I solved the problem by getting off my dead azz and working on it. I wonder if anybody's evey done a study on divorce rates of men who spend their most of their time playing video games, watching porn, and spanking their monkey.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Man!


EvesMom said:


> Exactly! I don't think seeing our girl was the issue. He only glanced down and saw the side of her head, it's not like he even had a front row seat. He changed jobs right before I had her and it has been contributing the most to his stress. People here are focusing on the gaming, masturbating, and the baby. But the baby doesn't bother him and we have both always gamed and watched porn. I'm here more or less looking for advice to build up his confidence and do what I can to decrease his stress. Thanks for your perspective. 😁


 Man! I had a front row seat, and have the polaroids to prove it!

So really it's not an excuse for him.

He just needs a swift kick in the rear!


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> He is stressed because he isn't doing enough around the house? Why don't you have him take over some of the chores? You don't have to do everything and everything doesn't have to be done to your standards. Start with the dogs. He can take them for a walk when he gets home from work and the fresh air and exercise might ease his stress and then add on the laundry.
> 
> I've honestly never heard someone use the excuse that they're stressed because they're not doing enough chores.


I do try to involve him. He says he feels like he doesn't do enough around the house and with our daughter. But I have to ask him to do things, he never just DOES them. I'll have her in one arm, and be cooking dinner with the other, and He'll walk by the two bags of trash I set by the door, and take his clothes off and put them on top of his clean laundry I folded to walk into the bathroom to "poop" ie, watch TikTok for an hour. So I'll say, "Hey, could you _insert chore here_, I have my hands full", and he'll look at the chore in surprise like he didn't even see it and say of course!! Honestly I do the housework because it works out that way timewise. My work schedule is from 4am-2pm, his is from 9am-7pm. I try to get him to do more but I start to feel like a nag if I ask constantly and he would be content as a cucumber to sit amongst piles of dirty laundry and bags of trash if I weren't there.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Yep, sure looks like you picked yourself a winner there EM.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Yep, sure looks like you picked yourself a winner there EM.


He's a good guy, just lazy and oblivious. 🤷‍♀️


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

EvesMom said:


> I do try to involve him. He says he feels like he doesn't do enough around the house and with our daughter. But I have to ask him to do things, he never just DOES them. I'll have her in one arm, and be cooking dinner with the other, and He'll walk by the two bags of trash I set by the door, and take his clothes off and put them on top of his clean laundry I folded to walk into the bathroom to "poop" ie, watch TikTok for an hour. So I'll say, "Hey, could you _insert chore here_, I have my hands full", and he'll look at the chore in surprise like he didn't even see it and say of course!! Honestly I do the housework because it works out that way timewise. My work schedule is from 4am-2pm, his is from 9am-7pm. I try to get him to do more but I start to feel like a nag if I ask constantly and he would be content as a cucumber to sit amongst piles of dirty laundry and bags of trash if I weren't there.


And you want to have sex with this man?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Could be a lot of things.

How about he now has a family to support. It's not just you and him but a child as well. That can be stressful and overwhelming for a first time father.

Also, maybe seeing his child coming out of you has in fact messed with his head. Some guys look at their wives differently after she's given birth to their child. The Madonna/***** complex and thus he's possibly having a hard time processing this consciously and subconsciously. 

I also have to laugh at those on here who have said that they saw their wife give birth and that it should be no big deal. That they should get over it.

That's YOU!!!

Everyone is different and deal with things differently. 

Could be a lot of things as suggested. 
I would first see if he could scale back the masturbating and the watching porn. See if this helps.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> And you want to have sex with this man?


Hahaha, right?? The way he looks at things I ask him to do is so deer in the headlights that I can't even be mad. If he weren't so adorable I'd dump his ass. 😂


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

sideways said:


> Could be a lot of things.
> 
> How about he now has a family to support. It's not just you and him but a child as well. That can be stressful and overwhelming for a first time father.
> 
> ...


All good points. Again, he hardly saw anything. He caught a peek, in between my belly and my thigh from the side and that was it. But I can totally see the stress of being a father. Even though he isn't home enough to do much that area, she still mostly sleeps all the time. And I make more money than he does and pay most of the bills, but I get it. Thanks for your input. 😊


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

After baby goes to sleep for the night, sit with him on the bed facing each other. No music, soft lighting, no distractions. Stare into each other's eyes for 5 minutes. Touch each other's faces. If you feel the urge to kiss, do it. Let the energy flow naturally and unforced. It should escalate into what you desire.

He may have performance anxiety, so let him take the lead and DON'T express any disappointment at all if has ED. That can establish a pattern of self-induced ED which will make him favor the less-demanding porn over (perceived) more-stressful interactions with you. Get him to a Dr. to get sildenafil ASAP if ED is encountered. It does wonders for confidence. But have him take 2 heavy snorts of Afrin before taking it, so he can breathe.


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> After baby goes to sleep for the night, sit with him on the bed facing each other. No music, soft lighting, no distractions. Stare into each other's eyes for 5 minutes. Touch each other's faces. If you feel the urge to kiss, do it. Let the energy flow naturally and unforced. It should escalate into what you desire.
> 
> He may have performance anxiety, so let him take the lead and DON'T express any disappointment at all if has ED. That can establish a pattern of self-induced ED which will make him favor the less-demanding porn over (perceived) more-stressful interactions with you. Get him to a Dr. to get sildenafil ASAP if ED is encountered. It does wonders for confidence. But have him take 2 heavy snorts of Afrin before taking it, so he can breathe.


This is actually really great advice, I love it. I'm going to try this tonight. Even if it doesn't lead to sex it will be a great exercise in having some sort of intimacy for the first time in weeks. Thank you so much.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EvesMom said:


> All good points. Again, he hardly saw anything. He caught a peek, in between my belly and my thigh from the side and that was it. But I can totally see the stress of being a father. Even though he isn't home enough to do much that area, she still mostly sleeps all the time. And I make more money than he does and pay most of the bills, but I get it. Thanks for your input. 😊


I just don't get that he's making this all about himself, without seriously looking for solutions to restore intimacy. 

I mean, you actually bore the child, physically went through the birthing trauma. 

Where's his empathy for you and showing his love for you by finding the solution for himself long ago?


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## 349245 (Apr 19, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I just don't get that he's making this all about himself, without seriously looking for solutions to restore intimacy.
> 
> I mean, you actually bore the child, physically went through the birthing trauma.
> 
> Where's his empathy for you and showing his love for you by finding the solution for himself long ago?


He's not much of a thinker. He doesn't really see a problem. If it's not happening to him, he isn't aware of it's effect on others. So even though he doesn't have much of a drive and is happy to go without intimacy, except for the hour when I bring it up, it never occurs to him at all that I may be unhappy with it. Perfect example, when I was 8 months pregnant, we were hiking and we came to a climbing spot to get to an overlook. I was ready to turn around and he kept insisting that we should go up. Finally I had to explain like I would to a child that we were four hours from a hospital, two hours from cell phone service and an hour from our car. The rock face was about 30 yards up, if I lost my footing and fell, it could be disastrous. He was instantly ashamed and said, "Oh, I didn't think..." He's just oblivious to the situations of others, it's really not intentional. So when I bring this to his attention, his is very focused, but he doesn't have a solution so he doesn't say anything, he just feels badly for not being in the mood. Then he plays a game or gets on his phone or plays with the dogs or something and completely forgets about the entire conversation. 🤷‍♀️But I'm going to try what another person suggested and get him to focus on me for a few minutes. I'll put the dogs outside, put the baby to bed (pray she actually stays asleep), and sit him down without phones or anything to distract us. Even if sex doesn't happen, at least it will be quality time spent together. 🤷‍♀️


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

349245 said:


> T
> 
> Thank you so much! This was more the type of advice I was hoping to hear, so thank you for your input. I've tried asking him what I can do, or just to let him talk, but he always looks at me blankly and says that he can't think of anything to say. But I'll keep trying. He has ADHD, also, so he's feeling the stress and tension but can't really focus on the reason once he's home from work.


I see the OP has a different registered status now but I'll chime in with this in case it applies to anyone else and off the back of my previous suggestion. It only really applies if you have a mutually supportive spouse. In the story presented, I wouldn't recommend the OP take on the responsibility to fix things for him. Having read more of the posts, the dynamic is out of whack and would just end up her doing everything plus trying to 'fix' him - which is both ineffective and could make the dynamic more unhealthy/imbalanced; whereas if he is invested in the relationship at all, he needs to step up, even in acknowledging himself where he is at and what he needs, which could then potentially be as a team together.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Badgering him won't work....That's for sure....It never works, yet that's exactly what a lot of people do...I get that it's frustrating, but all that does is bring back memories of his mother standing over him while he eats his vegetables.....Not sexy...

I don't know what the real issue is....If he's beating himself off, then its unlikely he has a drive problem...The issue is why doesn't he see you as a viable option? It could be intimacy issues, stress, whatever....

IME, women that know how to "push the right buttons" here are never lacking for sex/attention from their men...Maybe they figured out anything from the right perfume to wear, to the right clothes, the attitude, they way these women care about their appearance, whatever...They know how to turn that guy on...I've been around some of the guys wives I know and just looking at them and interacting with them for 5 minutes, I can tell that these women "get it".....

I'm not putting this on you, because like I said, I don't know what the issue really is....I just cringe every time I read some post on here about women(or men) that corner mates and give ultimatums, get angry/confrontational, whatever....It never works....At best all you get is the "blow off" type of sex that just gets the other person off your back for a while...You need to get to the bottom of why this is what it is....Most guys won't come out and tell you ....Many are quite adept at compartmentalizing these aspects of their lives and taking the path of least resistance.....leading to much frustration among their wives/girlfriends...

Best wishes, hope you get to the bottom of it..


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Badgering him won't work....That's for sure....It never works, yet that's exactly what a lot of people do...I get that it's frustrating, but all that does is bring back memories of his mother standing over him while he eats his vegetables.....Not sexy...
> 
> I don't know what the real issue is....If he's beating himself off, then its unlikely he has a drive problem...The issue is why doesn't he see you as a viable option? It could be intimacy issues, stress, whatever....
> 
> ...


Exactly. Once sexual intimacy is converted into a task or work to be done, it kills the natural flow and progression of the connection.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

349245 (OP), what happened when you tried what I suggested?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

To be as succinct as possible- porn wrecks men. Maybe not today, or tomorrow- but eventually.. unless a guy can weed it out of his life. You’re just in the beginning stages. Getting older, resentments, having kids and usual life stress just makes it worse. Read similar stories a hundred times on here.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

OP is now at 'read only' status and shows 0 posts.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

349245 said:


> I do try to involve him. He says he feels like he doesn't do enough around the house and with our daughter. But I have to ask him to do things, he never just DOES them. I'll have her in one arm, and be cooking dinner with the other, and He'll walk by the two bags of trash I set by the door, and take his clothes off and put them on top of his clean laundry I folded to walk into the bathroom to "poop" ie, watch TikTok for an hour. So I'll say, "Hey, could you _insert chore here_, I have my hands full", and he'll look at the chore in surprise like he didn't even see it and say of course!! Honestly I do the housework because it works out that way timewise. My work schedule is from 4am-2pm, his is from 9am-7pm. I try to get him to do more but I start to feel like a nag if I ask constantly and he would be content as a cucumber to sit amongst piles of dirty laundry and bags of trash if I weren't there.


Oh hell no. You’re working night shift and taking care of practically everything? Come on. You better check his phone, laptop, and tablet to make sure there’s not someone else that has his eye. 

He is supposed to be your husband not your child. You’re enabling behaviors that will eventually lead to resentment on your part. If this continues you won’t be wanting sex with him either. He has no idea how ripe you are for an interloper to swoop in with the right words to get you to compromise yourself.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> OP is now at 'read only' status and shows 0 posts.


I'm not sure, but I think OP was originally @evesmom and switched to a new account.


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