# Why does my wife insult herself and then blame me?



## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

Hello. We've been together for years and I have no major complaints other than her obsessing over the past, hers and mine. I found out about two years ago she was not entirely faithful early on in our relationship, not cheating but moving in that direction. Much of what I found out about was before we were even married, so no real problem in my opinion, just some dumb guy who got lucky while we were dating and who apparently never really sealed the deal. Some things happened early in our marriage but she did not go to bed with anyone, just stupid behavior that mostly flirting and nothing terrible all these years later. Mostly a supervisor at her first job who liked to sleep with female staff trying to talk her into this and that. But every so often she brings up our pasts and says I'm not honest. But I was a virgin when we met at 18, which is the truth as I told her. Then she claims she's a wh***, which I have never said, but she insists it's true and cries about it. Then the pattern is a few days later she tells me she's upset that I called her a wh***, which I of course never did. Why does she bring up the past, which she was honest about and I had nothing to hide in our respective cases, saying I'm lying? Why does she insult herself in such a horrible way, then claim I said it? I don't care about the past but she does, and I don't get why.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Who knows why women say the things they do? Why do they go to the bathroom in pairs? Why do they need 50 bottles of goop in the shower? You don't analyze them. You just find one with a brand of weirdness that you can live with and then you accept and love them. You'll go crazy as an out-house rat trying to figure them out.


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Who knows why women say the things they do? Why do they go to the bathroom in pairs? Why do they need 50 bottles of goop in the shower? You don't analyze them. You just find one with a brand of weirdness that you can live with and then you accept and love them. You'll go crazy as an out-house rat trying to figure them out.


But if she's saying something over and over, doesn't it mean something? Or should I still just forget it? It seems to happen, then the same thing again.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

lolQUOTE=unbelievable;1540679]Who knows why women say the things they do? Why do they go to the bathroom in pairs? Why do they need 50 bottles of goop in tUhe shower? You don't analyze them. You just find one with a brand of weirdness that you can live with and then you accept and love them. You'll go crazy as an out-house rat trying to figure them out.[/QUOTE]

LOL !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

S Shuman said:


> But if she's saying something over and over, doesn't it mean something? Or should I still just forget it? It seems to happen, then the same thing again.[/QUOTE
> 
> Maybe she feels bad or guilty about her past sexual behavior. Then she looks at you....the pure, innocent virgin and wishes she had been one too when she met you. Also, she may fear deep down that that is how you secretly view her even though you've never said or felt such a thing. Really though, seems she is projecting her feelings onto you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

inarut said:


> Maybe she feels bad or guilty about her past sexual behavior. Then she looks at you....the pure virgin and wishes she had been one too when she met you. Also, she may fear deep down that that is how you secretly view her even though you've never said or felt such a thing. She is projecting her feelings onto you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Pure virgin" lol. 

I admit I wasn't pure like that, at least in mind, I just hadn't gotten laid until I was 18 and met her. I've never judged her like that, but maybe she does feel bad about it for some reason. 

I just don't know why it wouldn't come up until these last years unless she's really that concerned that I see her differently or something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. As soon as possible.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sshuman, people who don't like what they're doing change course and do something else. Your's has a fairly lengthy history of being, at least, a little flirty and/or promiscuous. I suspect she craves affection and attention. Belittling herself in your presence results in you giving her affirmation, praise, and affection. She does it frequently because it works. Why does she need so much male affirmation and affection??? From you or from whomever? That's a question a shrink might help her with but it's nothing you can fix.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe there is something she is not telling you???

I agree, get her to a counselor ASAP.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

S Shuman said:


> *I admit I wasn't pure like that, at least in mind, I just hadn't gotten laid until I was 18 and met her.* I've never judged her like that, but maybe she does feel bad about it for some reason.


Have you told her that? Maybe she thinks you really were "pure" and never did anything risque. 

How's your sex life? Do you two have fun and explore and get dirty? Maybe she wants to but thinks that would be "wh*re-like"?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

S Shuman said:


> "Pure virgin" lol.
> 
> I admit I wasn't pure like that, at least in mind, I just hadn't gotten laid until I was 18 and met her. I've never judged her like that, but maybe she does feel bad about it for some reason.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

norajane said:


> Have you told her that? Maybe she thinks you really were "pure" and never did anything risque.
> 
> How's your sex life? Do you two have fun and explore and get dirty? Maybe she wants to but thinks that would be "wh*re-like"?


Rookie Alert!! Rookie Alert!! Do not tell this woman about your previous sexual exploits! Any man who has ever been married has regretted falling into this trap. If you nailed every Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, take that piece of news to your grave. I have been with my wife 12 years. She keeps bringing up women I completely forgot 20 years ago. 

Incidentally, You will be asked at some point if you would remarry if she died. The answer is "never". You will be asked if her butt looks big. The answer is "of course not, you're gorgeous!" You will be asked if you would have sex with (insert woman's name) if you weren't married. The answer is "no". 

Almost every woman on this forum will disagree with me and try to lead you into laying your soul bare in limitless honesty. They are pack creatures, setting you up for one of their sisters.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He says he was a virgin until his wife, except in his mind. I doubt that his dirty teenage thoughts will send her 'round the bend.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Rookie Alert!! Rookie Alert!! Do not tell this woman about your previous sexual exploits! Any man who has ever been married has regretted falling into this trap. If you nailed every Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, take that piece of news to your grave. I have been with my wife 12 years. She keeps bringing up women I completely forgot 20 years ago.
> 
> Incidentally, You will be asked at some point if you would remarry if she died. The answer is "never". You will be asked if her butt looks big. The answer is "of course not, you're gorgeous!" You will be asked if you would have sex with (insert woman's name) if you weren't married. The answer is "no".
> 
> Almost every woman on this forum will disagree with me and try to lead you into laying your soul bare in limitless honesty. They are pack creatures, setting you up for one of their sisters.


"Pack creatures" setting you up for a sister. Geeze, that's harsh. Just about every thread I've been on the past few days has this back and forth kind of thing ,men against women or women against men just attacking..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Pack creatures" setting you up for a sister. Geeze, that's harsh. Just about every thread I've been on the past few days has this back and forth kind of thing ,men against women or women against men just attacking..
Posted via Mobile Device

It's intended as humor.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Pack creatures" setting you up for a sister. Geeze, that's harsh. Just about every thread I've been on the past few days has this back and forth kind of thing ,men against women or women against men just attacking..
> Posted via Mobile Device
> 
> It's intended as humor.[/QUOTE
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could try this: "I was a virgin for one simple reason. I hadn't met you!"

And this is something I said to my first LTR girl friend, who had similar concerns: "I do not care that you had other lovers before you met me. I love you. I love the you that you are. If you having those lovers helped make you the you that you are, well, that's good! Because I love you. all of you."

And I meant every word of that. Oh! I was a virgin when I met her, too!


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

She is upset with herself and it is easier to blame you than it is to blame herself/accept her flaws and do the work to improve herself.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

being pure is way cool


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

Everyone's given me a lot to think (and worry) about. But I appreciate it all for sure.

She's done the whole get me to talk about my past love life for years. I always told her the truth, that I was the kid who was genuinely oblivious to the ladies in high school until my female "friends" would throw fits and storm off because I didn't ask them to this or that social function. Looking back I'm sure it made them so mad, but it seems funny now how dumb I was.

But I've never told my wife anything else, and then when I found out all this she became more and more focused on the idea that I have some secret past that involves all kinds of women and that I've lied, and that for some reason I also think she's a wh*** though only she ever calls herself that. 

One part of the problem is the endless attention she gets from men. One solution I'm thinking of is maybe acting like she's as virtuous as they come in my eyes. It's not that she's not, but I just have never cared so I maybe haven't said it enough, when maybe I should say it a lot more.


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

norajane said:


> Have you told her that? Maybe she thinks you really were "pure" and never did anything risque.
> 
> How's your sex life? Do you two have fun and explore and get dirty? Maybe she wants to but thinks that would be "wh*re-like"?


I was pure in the technical sense, but out of being ignorant, not from some virtue or something. 

We have a good sex life. She is very good to me. She has complained that she wants to be dirtier to use your term but she also gets upset if I try to follow up on that or understand it better.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Narcissists deflect onto you. That's why. Narcissists throw out false self loathing to throw you off their real intent which is to blame everyone but themselves for everything. Especially their own behavior.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

S Shuman said:


> She has complained that she wants to be dirtier to use your term but she also gets upset if I try to follow up on that or understand it better.


WTF. A pattern of blaming you for what she starts herself. 

Another vote for "She does it because it works." The question is why she wants to toy with you like this. 

So yeah, counseling. You need a referee there that will either get to the bottom of it or at least make the call for how out of line this is.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello, 

I would suggest that her behavior is a coping mechanism with a powerful feeling of shame. At times she is expressing the shame inward "You must think I'm a ****", and at other times she is projecting the shame onto you "You must have has secret affairs in the past", "you called me a *****".

It's possible she has a similar mechanism for her sexual desires. At times she expresses her desire to be more adventurous but that taps into a powerful feeling of shame that turns to anger when expressed at a later date. 

A competent professional should be trained and sought to help her build more healthy emotional responses if she is willing. 

I suggest that you do not attempt to help or treat her in this as being emotionally involved and not trained on how to steer the conversation you will likely trip over her sensibilities and cause a fight.

In the meantime there is something you can do to limit the emotional damage to her and you. When you realize she is having a negative episode please practice validation without contention. Simply put you acknowledge her feelings, validate the parts that you agree with and do not contend with the irrational parts.

As an example, if she is self blaming as in "I'm a *****", you can respond with "That must feel terrible. You seem to feel a lot of shame because of that." Then just listen to her and acknowledge her emotions. 

If she says "I'm mad at you for calling me a *****". You can say "Mhm, you must feel very angry right now. You really feel I said that? If I was was in your place I would feel angry too if I had thought that" then just listen to her acknowledging her feelings.

The above in itself is not a comprehensive solution, just a band aid. Please seek the help of a therapist with her or if she refuses go by yourself.


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

FreedomCorp said:


> I suggest that you do not attempt to help or treat her in this as being emotionally involved and not trained on how to steer the conversation you will likely trip over her sensibilities and cause a fight.


Good advice and very true. This is a mistake I've made several times for sure. I have to avoid this problem. Even talking about it can cause her to become angry.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree...(with some) I think she feels guilty ..cant forgive herself nor can she rewrite the past and she is projecting the guilt and regret onto you .

Try telling her this..."I love you JUST the way you are past and present...I wouldn't change a thing..even your "past" that has helped shape what a wonderful woman you are today..you are my sweetness and I adore you " I only wish you would go easier on your self"...


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I agree...(with some) I think she feels guilty ..cant forgive herself nor can she rewrite the past and she is projecting the guilt and regret onto you .
> 
> Try telling her this..."I love you JUST the way you are past and present...I wouldn't change a thing..even your "past" that has helped shape what a wonderful woman you are today..you are my sweetness and I adore you " I only wish you would go easier on your self"...


Yes, i think you and others are right that she feels some guilt. I think she's admitted to basically liking what happened and she feels conflicted. When she gets men's attention she likes it but also feels like she should be too good to respond to that. I don't judge her but its almost like she wants me to.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

S Shuman said:


> Yes, i think you and others are right that she feels some guilt. I think she's admitted to basically liking what happened and she feels conflicted. When she gets men's attention she likes it but also feels like she should be too good to respond to that. I don't judge her but its almost like she wants me to.


Oh ..O.K ..I missed the part that she is conflicted because she liked it .She needs to accept herself I suppose (not for the future with the exception of YOU of course) there is no shame in "liking' opposite sex attention..its actually one of the most natural (and healthy in the right circumstance)things about us..her "guilt" and what she needs to forgive herself for and "repent" of is any kind of "cheating"..but "liking" the attention is normal..

To put it simply "don't like unfaithfulness/ cheating /deception/misuing trust..Forgive your self for that if it ever occured..but LIKE that you LIKE attention from the opposite sex and she chose YOU so she should like that ..from you..

If she "likes" the cheating aspect of it then that is differrent.Liking that part is a problem..

Hope that makes sense...


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

I just got a feeling from your first post. I'm not sure at all but it jumped right at me. Anyways here it is:

She has done something she regrets, cheating on you, that you don't know about. That's why she keeps Calling herself a "wh*re". The turnaround, with being angry at you for Calling her a "wh*re" comes from trying to make you the bad person. Basically she is having troulbe in coping with her self and is trying to blamshift you instead.

I might be totaly wrong about this but it realy jumped right at me.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling. As soon as possible.


:iagree:

OP, she's trying to tell you more than she's actually telling you (and possibly isn't even sure herself what that 'something' is), and I agree with Matt that counseling is the way to go.


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## S Shuman (Mar 18, 2013)

You guys have me worried a little but I guess you have a point. I approached her about getting counseling two days ago and she said she doesn't want it. I don't know why but she says she thinks it would lead to more harm between us. 

I don't understand that. Why would she think this way at all, I thought counseling is good? 

Why would she hide from the past anyway if I have said I don't care about what happened so long ago?


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