# Help, please!



## brandydg (Mar 12, 2012)

Ive been married for almost 4 years and have twin girls that are almost 2. My husband and I have almost nothing in common . He has so many guy friends that he loves and is so funny with and loves to watch sports and play golf. When he is with me, he is very quiet and can actually go the whole day saying 3 words to me, yet I hear him on the phone w friends laughing. He has never said a complimentary word to me, never held my hand and generally doesnt seem interested in me. I am a very chatty open woman that likes to chat and share things. If I am crying about something, he could literally not notice and if he notices, he could not say a word. He is not mean at all and loved by most, just different than me. He does not make me happy at all. We do argue and pick on each other and everything is a competition. We have been in therapy for 6 months and I have told him daily I need more attention and not once has he given me more. He thinks I am needy and crazy and I know I am not. I am just not sure how long you go on trying before you say its over? How do get someone to realize that they are wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you two date before you married?

What did the two of you find in common when you dated? 

I am assuming that your marriage was for for a while.. when did it change?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Hmmmmm you could totally be me!!!  weird  I don't think you can get them to realize they are wrong because really they are not wrong....They are being who they are, and the fact of the matter is that you two are probably just very different people that were not meant to be together....That's my outlook anyway

Have you ever tried to talk to him about this problem, and if so what was his response?


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## brandydg (Mar 12, 2012)

we only dated 6 months before marriage. yes i think we are very different people. i dont think he is a mean person i just truly think he is either not capable of making me happy because we want such different thing and need different things or he doesnt care. because its not that hard, if i say i need more attention it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out what to do. he is zero support to me. he is a sweet man and i almost feel bad for him. i am not needy but i compared to what he is used to doing i am needy. he isnt affectionate at all, he could go the rest of his life not hugging me and thats just not me so should i settle for it?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

brandydg said:


> we only dated 6 months before marriage. yes i think we are very different people. i dont think he is a mean person i just truly think he is either not capable of making me happy because we want such different thing and need different things or he doesnt care. because its not that hard, if i say i need more attention it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out what to do. he is zero support to me. he is a sweet man and i almost feel bad for him. i am not needy but i compared to what he is used to doing i am needy. he isnt affectionate at all, he could go the rest of his life not hugging me and thats just not me so should i settle for it?


It's so hard because I am one of those people that has to exhaust _every_ avenue before I would even consider divorce (I just know me, if there is even a shadow of a doubt that there was one more thing I could have done, I would rethink my decision to leave and go back) If you know for sure that he will not change, and it is not something that you can live with, then you need to do what you feel is the right thing to do for you, to make you happy....


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## contemplating divorce (Mar 12, 2012)

brandydg said:


> we only dated 6 months before marriage. yes i think we are very different people. i dont think he is a mean person i just truly think he is either not capable of making me happy because we want such different thing and need different things or he doesnt care. because its not that hard, if i say i need more attention it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out what to do. he is zero support to me. he is a sweet man and i almost feel bad for him. i am not needy but i compared to what he is used to doing i am needy. he isnt affectionate at all, he could go the rest of his life not hugging me and thats just not me so should i settle for it?





brandydg said:


> Ive been married for almost 4 years and have twin girls that are almost 2. My husband and I have almost nothing in common . He has so many guy friends that he loves and is so funny with and loves to watch sports and play golf. When he is with me, he is very quiet and can actually go the whole day saying 3 words to me, yet I hear him on the phone w friends laughing. He has never said a complimentary word to me, never held my hand and generally doesn't seem interested in me. I am a very chatty open woman that likes to chat and share things. If I am crying about something, he could literally not notice and if he notices, he could not say a word. He is not mean at all and loved by most, just different than me. He does not make me happy at all. We do argue and pick on each other and everything is a competition. We have been in therapy for 6 months and I have told him daily I need more attention and not once has he given me more. He thinks I am needy and crazy and I know I am not. I am just not sure how long you go on trying before you say its over? How do get someone to realize that they are wrong?


I have been married for almost 2 years & just printed divorce papers this morning because I am at my wits end. I too am with a man who doesn't have a mean bone in his body, but his neglect causes as much, if not more, pain to me than my previous fiance who cheated on me multiple times. If my husband kissed me, it was a peck. Forget french kissing as that is even rare during sex with him. I had to ask him to hold my hand in public. I had to ask him to hug me when he comes home from work. I had to ask for a text during the day so that I could convince myself that he was thinking about me (sad & pathetic, I know). I had to ask for foreplay, AND just to be able to have sex, I had to initiate it. Notice everything is in past tense. I have gotten to the point to where I don't want the hug, kiss, sex, etc. from him anymore. It's just not the same when you have to ask/beg for it. I have grown to resent him more than anyone I have ever known. It feels like this "nice guy" has ruined my life. I feel like I am STARVING for affection & attention of any kind from him. I tell him to use the analogy of me being a car. My tank is on empty & if he doesn't put in at least a little fuel, some air in the tires, an oil change, & wash every now & then, this car is gonna QUIT! Proper maintenance required! He expects me to work, cook, clean, be a step mom to his 2 kids, a mom to my 2, fix everything around the house, etc. with minimal effort from him or while he watches TV (24/7 if he could). We have few things in common. Opposites, sometimes, should NOT attract. We can be in the same room & you would think I am invisible, and when I try to talk to him about anything, he interrupts me with what he wants to talk about that has nothing to do w/ anything I was saying to him. He gets a blank look so I now know when to stop talking because I know the interruption is near. The BIG DEBATE............when is enough, enough? I will lose my house if I divorce him. So, do I stay? I even had to go off the medication my doctor gave me as I was contemplating suicide daily over this man due to the side affects! I am so glad that I realized that it wasn't ME truly feeling those emotions. Oh, AND he withholds sex if he is mad about any tiny thing at all. A MAN withholding sex, seriously? BTW, he is NOT a cheating man, & he doesn't want to get a divorce as he says I am the greatest woman he has ever known, best wife, step mom, lover, so...............what the heck? We have known each other for 5 years & he has never initiated an apology one single time, he refuses to go to counseling as he says nothing is WRONG with him & he is NEVER wrong. If I had a dollar for every argument about who was right & who was wrong, I wouldn't lose my house because I could pay it off! Now, he says that he is who he is, that he may never be who I need if I want attention/affection/sex often. So, I am making one last ditch effort before he has to go. After begging him for almost 5 years to get his testosterone checked (as he is lazy, has no initiative for ANYTHING in life, & gained 40lbs.), he had it checked & it was low as I suspected. I had to offer to pay for him to go for treatment just to get him to accept. He has finally agreed & goes to the doc tomorrow. I want to know once & for all if it's "me" as he says or is his testosterone level the culprit. He had never had make up sex after arguing with anyone, so when he took his pillow downstairs to sleep on the couch AGAIN, I walked in w/ only my robe on, dropped it down to the floor, & ravaged him. He was blown away (no pun intended), said "Wow, that was AMAZING", yet the poor fella can't/won't initiate? (and, no, I am not hideous, lol. Long, blonde hair, green eyes, tan, & my ob/gyn added 3 extra stitches "down there" after I had my children so my bases are covered  My ex-husband wants me back & says that I am Superwoman & the woman he was supposed to be married to forever, my ex-fiance wants me to divorce my husband & marry him & is kicking himself in the a%# for cheating & losing me, my ex-boyfriend is begging me to start seeing him again, so either those stitches caused an AMAZING outcome and/or I am at least a decent person. We all deserve to be happy. I think you know when enough is enough. It's when you don't ask yourself that question anymore. Exhaust all your resources so that if you choose to go, your slate will be clean & you will know that YOU gave it EVERYTHING you've got.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

brandydg said:


> Ive been married for almost 4 years and have twin girls that are almost 2. My husband and I have almost nothing in common . He has so many guy friends that he loves and is so funny with and loves to watch sports and play golf. When he is with me, he is very quiet and can actually go the whole day saying 3 words to me, yet I hear him on the phone w friends laughing. He has never said a complimentary word to me, never held my hand and generally doesnt seem interested in me. I am a very chatty open woman that likes to chat and share things. If I am crying about something, he could literally not notice and if he notices, he could not say a word. He is not mean at all and loved by most, just different than me. He does not make me happy at all. We do argue and pick on each other and everything is a competition. We have been in therapy for 6 months and I have told him daily I need more attention and not once has he given me more. He thinks I am needy and crazy and I know I am not. I am just not sure how long you go on trying before you say its over? How do get someone to realize that they are wrong?


If your focus is on changing your husband, or making him understand your point of view, you are going to continue spinning your wheels without going anywhere. On the other hand, if your focus is on changing yourself and becoming a better woman, than there will be progress. You yourself will progress whether or not this relationship works out or not.

Do you think your husband thinks anything is wrong with the marriage? Is he unhappy as well?


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

brandydg said:


> we only dated 6 months before marriage. yes i think we are very different people. i dont think he is a mean person i just truly think he is either not capable of making me happy because we want such different thing and need different things or he doesnt care. because its not that hard, if i say i need more attention it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out what to do. he is zero support to me. he is a sweet man and i almost feel bad for him. i am not needy but i compared to what he is used to doing i am needy. he isnt affectionate at all, he could go the rest of his life not hugging me and thats just not me so should i settle for it?


You dated for 6 months...! and in that time you didn't realize about his behavior? If you were known then how you can complaint now?


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