# needing advice here please



## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

Well...I caught her in an affair...blah blah blah.....we had had some marital issues prior to this...still no excuse.....I actually caught her twice...one via texts and one via email.....I couldnt believe my eyes upon reading the vocabulary between the 2......Love was talked about....soulmates etc.....she has since found out that she was a thing for this predator....he is a piece of garbage......we live in a small community and he is in fact involved with the company i work for....so we see each other from time to time........its hard not to sink my claw hammer in his skull....

anyways....the questions i have
have any of you been thru this and have any words of wisdom....I am trying to be patient.....she has told me she loves me but not in the way i love her but she is trying to get back there....we have been intimate but she seems to be holding back.....i rub her back her feet etc and she kinda reciprocates it from time to time.....she seems WAY for attentive to me lately last couple months that is.....she is in counciling as am I.....I keep replaying all the information in my mind like a bad movie.....all the texts the pictures....not xrated just ones of the art they drew one afternoon.....literally puked when i found them....she has yet to ask me to forgive her.....she downplays any compliments i give her....we talk about our future all the time....house projects....finances ...vacations.....do I overlook the ultimate betrayal and let my guard down and assume she wants the marriage now? Do i assume that she is holding back because she is hurting deep inside and afraid to open up? Are these dumb questions? 

We have 3 daughters our oldest knows about the affair....the others know mom and dad are not the same right now.....I pray to god every night that she wakes up and lets me back in her heart.....if you have been thru this is there a magical time frame when she lets down her guard again? or am i dreaming....


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry you're here

You should ask a moderator to move this to the coping with infidelity section

Off hand, your wife doesn't sound remorseful at all for betraying you. I'd be willing to bet she's still in the "fog" of the affair and emotional affairs (if this was all this affair was) can be as devastatig as physical ones (and some say EAs are worse)

There are concrete steps she should take if she truly wants your marriage to be repaired. 

She needs to go 100% no contact with the guy and should send him a no contact letter which you should approve of.

Read up in the CWI section and ask questions there. They'll be able to give you great help


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

ive posted there before i guess i was hoping to get some advice from those who went thru this.....she did send him a no contact text which i read......but......i caught them after this......alot of Im supposed to take her word for right now.....i cant imagine her setting me up AGAIN....she is remorseful just stubborn....


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No, she's not remorseful OR stubborn.

She's lier. She said she wouldn't contact him again and then she did. She lied.

She has betrayed you yet again. She IS setting you up AGAIN for immense pain and hurt. So does this last case make it 3 times?

"she has yet to ask me to forgive her" - Remorseful? Doubt it!

"Do i assume that she is holding back because she is hurting deep inside and afraid to open up?" - No, you can assume she's holding back because she's still loves her OM. She is still in the fog.

Has she suffered any ramifications from her behavior? Has she opened all her email, social media and cell phone accounts to you? Did you expose her and the OM to their families and friends? Did she have to leave your home when you discovered the affair?

Does she tell you where she is and who she is with when she's not with you? Is she being 100% transparent?

Has she done any of the heavy lifting to fix this? I'm betting she hasn't. You are the back-up plan. You're her ATM until she can figure out how to go somewhere else and be supported by someone else. I'm willing to bet that the only thing she is sorry for is getting caught.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

shattered man said:


> I pray to god every night that she wakes up and lets me back in her heart.....if you have been thru this is there a magical time frame when she lets down her guard again? or am i dreaming....


You have this ALLLLL backwards! She is the one who should be praying for YOU to let HER back in!  SHE is the betrayer here, not you, and you seem to be taking the blame for her! You are both rug sweeping this, and she is cake eating, big time! She has had no consequence at all from this and its time you stopped letting her get away with this. You are being a weak nice guy. Check out the infidelity forum to help yourself man up work on yourself. Best of luck to you.


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