# Husband's ex girlfriend put him into bankruptcy...takes it out on me.



## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

He somehow thinks I'm her, and that I'm going to eventually do the same thing. It causes a strain on our relationship, but it's not one of our more pressing problems at the moment.

He goes completely nuts every time he checks our bank account online and sees that I've made a purchase...20 or 30 or 40 or 50 bucks. He's out of the country at the moment, so he has no idea what is going on here. Unless I remember to tell him every little detail on the phone when we talk 2-3 times a week.

He is however able to check our account, 99% of bills we have are paid online...so he's able to check and see if I've made a payment. It really makes me angry when he rides me about money. 

Honestly I feel like telling him to go to the atm pull out a franklin...and wrap it around his *ick and use that instead of me.
I feel less important to him than the green s-t. I feel like I'm not worth it. I have to talk myself into buying things for the house...(HE HAD NOTHING WHEN WE GOT MARRIED...TV AND SLEEPING BAG AND TOILETRIES WERE ALL THAT WERE IN THAT TINY APARTMENT), and our son grows out of things so fast right now especially shoes...(MY FEET ARE SCREWED, I NEED SURGERY BECAUSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE SOMEONE LEFT SHOES THAT WERE TOO SMALL FOR ME ON ME CONSTANTLY AND THEY HAVE TO BREAK MY FEET TO FIX THEM), as important as it is to me to not have that guilt on my back, I have to force myself to buy anything.

I went to the er the other month for something...he had a cow...
"How much is that going to cost us?" Was what he said, not, are you ok, what did they find out, do you need further treatment. I felt like sticking my hand and arm through that phone and slapping the s-t out of him. 

I was cheated on constantly by my son's biological father...and that left bad bad emotional scars...do I question him all the time...or freak out when he comes home from work at 10pm. NO. So why does he seem to think that I am her...can't he get the f-k over it? I HAVE ASKED HIM WHY...HE MAKES SOME LAME EXCUSE LIKE...WELL WE NEED IT FOR RETIREMENT.

I'm a stay at home mom now...but I did work 6-8-12 sometimes 16 hour shifts before we got married. I've offered to go back to work...and I wasn't joking...I loved Law Enforcement and I'd seriously like to go back. I love my babies, but I'd do anything to get out of the house and away from him. If I went back to work...he wouldn't have to pay anything but household bills, what he was paying before HE ASKED ME to marry him. I will get my own account and spend what I make, and budget accordingly so that I can support OUR children...my toddler and our baby that will be born in a few months. 

DID HE THINK IT WOULDN'T COST ANYTHING TO HAVE A FAMILY? HE'S THE ONE THAT WANTED US TO GET PREGANT. AFTER A NASTY MISCARRIAGE...I WAS OK WIH NEVER HAVING KIDS AGAIN.

Need some advice here. Maybe a few coping techniques. Maybe someone to find his ass "over there" and slap him around a few times and convince him that nothing is free. I love my husband...I f-king hate the way he treats me.

Here's the point I'm at right now...
If my children were to need something; seriously need it, medical care, dues for little league, little kid football, and he had a cow...I would file for divorce. (I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO DO SPORTS, OR ACTIVITIES AFTER SCHOOL OR BEFORE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER...I KNOW I MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH BECAUSE OF THAT...MY BABIES WILL NOT MISS OUT ON THAT.)

Sorry it's extreme but he says he doesn't want me to go back to work...BECAUSE CHILDCARE...THOUGH THROUGH HIS WORK WE GET A MASSIVE AND I MEAN MASSIVE DISCOUNT...HE SAYS IT'S STILL TOO EXPENSIVE.:scratchhead:

TIRED OF TALKING TO HIM ON THE PHONE AND PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS OK...I'M LYING THROUGH MY TEETH AND IT BOTHERS ME.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

YUCK- tell him being cheap isn't sexy! tell him that you want to remain attracted to him but in order for that to happen you two have to come up with a budget you can agree on. That way if you spend your "mad cash" he can't be anal and it should give him a sense of control. Its understandable he fears bankruptcy and thinks about the future - what if you were also with a spender and had to work till you're 85 to make ends meet? respect his caution but alarm him he's going overboard and it's not fair that his ex ruined his trust with finances within a relationship. 
My husband grew up poor so he likes to save too but we have a budget for most everything and never fight over money. Be a team! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

That's a really good idea...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Doing a budget together is a great idea. Also, perhaps you can go back to work part time after your baby is born. That way you'll get a break from the kids and have money to buy extra things. I kind of wish I had your problem--I spent 25 years with a shopaholic. I'm now going into bankruptcy. It's not easy; I understand where your husband is coming from though. But, you and your husband have got to find a balance on money issues.


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## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

That would be awesome if he would let me work...he's stated he doesn't want me to work at all. I don't want a break from the kids...I want a break from HIM riding my ass about money like whomever is in that picture riding that horse. My kids are the only thing that keeps me sane.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Bloodymary, this is actually relatively easy. When you marry a person, you both volunteer to no longer be only a single individual but also to always consider how that will affect your spouse. Life is not all "his way" now because he married someone who is not himself. Furthermore, his choice to NOT consider how his behavior affects you is directly damaging the marriage. 

You made the same promise--to always consider how your actions and choices will affect him. Your life is not all "your way" now either. So for him to know that you are this upset...to the point of considering divorce...you need to tell him. Honestly and right to his face, right out loud. To make sure you cover all the bases you can use the W-T-F-S method. That stands for: 

When you...
I think...
I feel...
So I'm going to request...

Here is an example of what you might say to him in your situation: 

*When you* go over ever dollar with a fine tooth and ride me for every financial decision I make

*I think* "I'm not your ex-girlfriend and I'm not going to drive us into bankruptcy! Don't you have any faith in my ability to make decisions?" It's so bad that I have thought about divorce just to get away from it sometimes. 

*I feel* like your money is worth more to you than I am, and I feel like you see me as your child rather than your wife. Yes you lead the family, but I am your equal partner, not someone for you to command about. 

*So I'm going to request *that you stop trying to control me from across the world and give me the benefit of the doubt that I would only spend money if it were absolutely necessary. *I am going to request* that we set a time to establish a budget that we BOTH agree on (not just you and not just me) and that has a certain about of "discretionary funds" for me. And *I am going to request* that once a week, I have a chance to go over the discretionary fund with you to demonstrate to you that my financial decisions are sound and in both OUR best interests and the interests of our children!


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## Bloodymary (Oct 10, 2010)

Ok what if I have done that?
What if it continues?

In fact I have done all but the request part...

I've told him I've thought about leaving before...he says well then do. 

It's not in his thoughts to make a change. I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A CHANGE...I've offered to go back to work, stuff around the house that is nice and that we don't need I sell on ebay or locally. And I shop around for the best price for things as much as I can.

Divorce is the last thing I want...but if he thinks things can stay the same and I stay...and or stay sane, he's wrong.


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