# Will counseling even help??



## h0ndagrrl81 (May 20, 2013)

Hi everyone. Newbie here so be gentle, but I seriously need some advice. I will try to fit as much as i can in as short of a post as i can. But i can't make promises 

So lately, I've been feeling better mentally and physically, but as far as my husband and our marriage, I am feeling like I don't want to be married anymore. It's difficult to put into words how exactly i'm feeling so bare with me. Lately, I've been having trouble resisting the temptation of flirting with other people, or looking elsewhere. I cheated before, about 2-3 years ago so there's that issue. I'm really trying to avoid doing that again, but if i have trouble not doing that, then that means something right? That means it should end? He is definitely a good guy and does not deserve this but he loves me so much and really wants to try to make this work. He cares more than me  I really do feel like a bad person for feeling this way but I just don't know what to do about it. He wants to try counseling. We are broke so i'm trying to find non-religious cheap or free counseling. I honestly feel like it wouldn't help bring back the feelings i don't have or the attraction i don't feel but he deserves me to at least try one last time. I hope i've said enough to get the ball rolling here. Feel free to ask questions, and thank you in advance.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Big question. Do you have kids? 

If yes. You owe it to your husband and then to your children to fix yourself and learn what love really is. You are addicted to the chase. Any councilor worth their salt will tell you that the "love feeling" last only 2-7 years because your body stops producing those feel good hormones naturally. You then have to find and choose to love that person in a whole new way. 

If no. Divorce him. He doesn't deserve someone who is a serial cheater. Do not take more then you are legally allowed. In fact, since this is your idea, just keep your accounts and his accounts separate. If you own a house together. Give it to him. Let him go and find someone who wants to stick with him. 

If I sound firm. It's because it is what it is. There is nothing cute, or pretty about this. You can take my advice, or others. My advice doesn't cover any specific circumstances other then whats provided in your information. It sounds like he is a decent man who i'm sure has faults but has never cheated on you.


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## h0ndagrrl81 (May 20, 2013)

hope4family said:


> Big question. Do you have kids?
> 
> If yes. You owe it to your husband and then to your children to fix yourself and learn what love really is. You are addicted to the chase. Any councilor worth their salt will tell you that the "love feeling" last only 2-7 years because your body stops producing those feel good hormones naturally. You then have to find and choose to love that person in a whole new way.
> 
> ...



I appreciate what you said and no we do not have kids. It sucks to hear "serial cheater" because that's not who i want to be so that's why i felt i should end this. And you are right, he never cheated on me


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## Martian (May 17, 2012)

I'd seek out counseling from a church or a free/cheap source. That way you can say you've tried everything to save the relationship. No one ever likes having the "what if's", and I know i wouldn't like to look back on a divorce/separation/failed relationship wondering "what if" we had gone to counseling and found something that fixed it.

Everyone is different, though. Good luck to you.


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

YOU needs to be honest with your self and say out loud "what the reason is that you cheat and still feel the need to cheat" --until you heal this problem you will prob always struggle. Maybe you should seek counseling for your self?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Doubt&Wonder said:


> YOU needs to be honest with your self and say out loud "what the reason is that you cheat and still feel the need to cheat" --until you heal this problem you will prob always struggle. Maybe you should seek counseling for your self?


To me there is a difference between someone "considering cheating" and someone who falls into cheating. 

That being said. Most people who say they are "considering it" already have or are currently doing it. 

Maybe the OP isn't. So I won't judge, but it feels that it is near certainty that she has or is currently cheating on her husband. 

Reason why I suggested that if they are married and no kids just breaking it off. Is that she needs IC. That must be done regardless. Too many spouses leave because the love drug is gone. 

I feel for your husband.


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## h0ndagrrl81 (May 20, 2013)

hope4family said:


> To me there is a difference between someone "considering cheating" and someone who falls into cheating.
> 
> That being said. Most people who say they are "considering it" already have or are currently doing it.
> 
> ...



I have cheated before. And am not currently, but there is the desire and I am resisting it because I don't want to go down that road again, and he does not deserve it. He wants me to seek counseling so I promised him I would. First it will be individual and if needed, couples. Thank you for your honesty


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

h0ndagrrl81 said:


> I honestly feel like it wouldn't help bring back the feelings i don't have or the attraction i don't feel


This is a big issue. That's what needs to be resolved and counselling won't do it, because it's more than likely a set of things that he needs to work on.

The fact that you're broke is a related issue. What's the trouble there?


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## h0ndagrrl81 (May 20, 2013)

MSP said:


> This is a big issue. That's what needs to be resolved and counselling won't do it, because it's more than likely a set of things that he needs to work on.
> 
> The fact that you're broke is a related issue. What's the trouble there?


I've admitted to him that I think his weight gain has something to do with it. So we are serious on both trying harder to lose weight. 

Money is always an issue. On top of us being not that great with it (though we've gotten a lot better) He always gets these jobs that don't seem to pay enough even though he has 6 years of warehouse/forklift exp and I know he could do better but he's been lacking motivation to try harder in that area. 

I'm learning to be more honest with him about whats bothering me so I'm feeling better about the future, regardless of what happens. I know how much he loves me and he deserves me to try all i can to make it work


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## h0ndagrrl81 (May 20, 2013)

Since the last post, I haven't been to my shrink yet. He's booked for the next 2 months and his walk ins are once a week. And I've been overly tired due to a health issue. Anyways, what I would like to know, (preferably from someone who has been through divorce and was the one to end things) how do I know I'm making the right decision? I feel if I stay, I will continue to be unhappy. He will attempt for a little while to fix things but they will go back to the same old crap. We've been down this road before. If I decide to end it though, I am ending our 10 year relationship and hurting him. And the thought of that upsets me cuz I do still love and care about him. Does the fact that hurting him hurting me mean I shouldn't go? Or is that a normal feeling regardless? I'm real confused


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