# thinking whether to give divorce or not...worried about my future



## chutki (Jul 13, 2012)

Hi all,

I just want to share my story with you all to relieve all my stress and would welcome any advices if any...
I am 27 now and my life is in doldrums...i dont know wht to do...not able to think properly and take decisions...i dont know which is good and which is bad....my family has a history of separations for girls...i dont want to join tht list...i always wanted to save my marriage....but now me and my husband we were living separately....for almosr 10 months now ...i dont know i spent all these months just thinking abt him...i always think who is right either him or either myself..i like him a lot but he doesnt love me....for every small argument he wants to leave me...its been 3 yrs since our marriage....end of every argument he says our thinking is different and we cant live happily...wht he said is 100 percent right...the way he was brought up and i was brought up...completely different...out thinking doesnt match...whatever complaints i have for him...he also has the same complaints abt me....but i always believed tht one life and one partner...no matter how much diff we r...no matter how much he doesnt like me...i always tried to save this marriage...but finally the day has come which wasnt in my control and we got separated.....even after i came back to my house...i always asked him to get back again...but he insisted for a divorce...he left the country to some other place for job ....he always stressed for a divorce no matter how many times i had asked him to stay with me....i had given up asking him on it...but deep in my heart i am not able to get over him...always thoughts abt him keep running abt him on my mind....i am not able to get out of his thoughts....my parents r asking me to get a job such tht it ll change my thinking and give me confidence..they say i look beautiful but need to slim down a bit and be more attractive...they want me to strt a fresh life again...but i am not able to do anything...i feel miserable tht i am giving them pain and being a burden to them......i dont know how a job ll change my thinking and ll help me get over him....my friends say if i really like him how i was able to stay all these months separatley.....i wonder if i really love him or just hypnotising me tht i really cant be without him....i am spoiling my own life my own career for a person who doesnt love me or care for me...i am feeling very lonely and always feel i want someone to come and help me out.....i am worried if i am divorced how ll my life be....until now we were not officially divorced...he wants a mutual divorce....and i am not ready for a divorce....i know our differences r much more...but i dont want to lose him...i like him so much...all the yrs trying impressing him i really became like him......
i dont know whether to move on or be with him...all my wellwishers r advicing me to leave him since he might leave me again some time later with some issue again.....but i am worried how ll a divorcee 's life ll be....or else its better to be with him no matter how he treats me .....or be with me....i dont know if anyone has understood my problem...my mail itself shows how much confused and stressed out i am ?


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want you. And it sounds like you need to move on and start a new life. It isn't easy at all, trust me, but it is worth it to build yourself up to be an individual without him. I was totally wrapped up in my ex, and when he left I felt that I had nothing and was nothing. It took a lot of hard work and tears to get to the point where I could be whole again. So it is possible. Good luck to you


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## chutki (Jul 13, 2012)

hey thanks much for the reply....i understood tht i cant hold on to him but am not able to get over this relation...sometimes i wonder if its my mistake only...he rarely cares abt my feelings..i know he doesnt wants me or loves me but again i blame myself if i am thinking correctly....i dont know i am totally strained....all thru the day i feel depressed....every nite i end up crying ...i am very close to my parents...but now even i am feeling like to be alone ...i am not talking with anyone..i need to improve my skills to get back to my career after a break....but i am not able to read anything....always surrounded by his thoughts....i still am not able to digest how he can be like this...all our 3 yrs of marriage doesnt mean anything to him....i feel how can he be so hard to me...?
whenver i am not with him i think abt him ...think positively tht i can win over the differences and can make our marriage successful...but the moment i talk to him i feel he cannot understand anything abt me ...will my life be like this if i be with him....but personally i feel he is foolish following his mothers advice in everything possible and just making all this happen in his life and my life....i feel atleast i need to think maturedly and should strive for this relation but....nothing is happening...i guess i am not digesting the fact tht we r already separated though not legally.....
I have met couple of therapists but no one is really able to help me out...or may be i am not consciously making an effort to come out of this....i am worried if i ll stat single all thru mu life..many of my frnd r advicing me to divorce soon ...revive my career...take a brk and then get remarried....i am worried if i marry again i dont know with that kind of person wil i be ending up with .....please suggest me how to come out of all this sudden mid life crisis of mine....before marriage everything was alright...i have a good career...good life...no problems....marriage changed my life...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you know he doesn't want you or love you, then let him go.

You WILL get over it eventually, even if it doesn't seem like that. Promise.

DO NOT hang onto someone who is trying desperately to flick you off.


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## chutki (Jul 13, 2012)

yeah i guess i need to move on....
whenever i think abt all the hurt he has given i feel i need to move on...but when i am normal thinking i feel i miss him...will try forgive him and think abt getting back to him...always i feel there r 2 persons in me struggling to come to some decision...i am worried if i should think abt giving my marriage another chance and again convince him to be with me or am i just waiting my time just thinking foolishly....
i am just letting out the problems i have with him:

his past he always stays in his past...he has some 2-3 yrs of life where he enjoyed a lot...also he 's been in a relation with a girl at tht time...he never feels anything good abt marriage or abtout me....he has problem with my personality.....he always wants me to maintain my body....always pin poiints every small thing...nags...doesnt like me talking to my parents abt any our issues....doesnt feel like spending anything on me...doesnt share any major decisions with me...nor even asks my opinion..he just follows his mothers advice in everything possible....he doesnt share anything with me coz he feels i tell them to my parents....he doesnt know tht his mother acts ...cant recognize tht she gives decisions thinking selfishly.....doesnt like me working...has got anger issues....beats me when he is out of control...uses words for me....whenever i ask him not to abuse he says he gets anger since i irritate him...i seriously failed to understand when he gets angry at me....sometimes i feel even for such small issues why is he making it big .....always in every argument threatend me tht he cannot be with me.....
but positively he has good personality we both make a good looking couple...he is good at heart...and honest ...at times thinks foolishly stubbornly....
above all i have accepted him the way he is and always wanted to be with him...but he only sees the negative side and wants to give up on this relation......
dont mind me with my mails...i am just desperate for some help...!!!...struggling with my thoughts...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

After reading that about him, good riddance!

Why would yo uwant to stay with someone who is mean to you and talks about your body and nags at you and doesn't like your personality and doesn't share major life decisions?

I know you are hurt not, but it's coming from a place of being rejected (nobody likes that feeling).

Honey, he is doing you a favor. LET HIM GO.

You deserve better.


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## chutki (Jul 13, 2012)

feeling good after reading your reply....
i just want to make sure that i am not thinking wrong about him...before going for the final d word....
yes its true tht he doesnt make me feel comfortable or good abt myself....everytime he said any bad about me i always tried changing myself...impressing him..sometimes i feel i havent changed my personality as per his expectations.....but i tried atleast.....always he never gets satisfiedd....and i ended up myself unsatisfied with my marital life....sad part is though few good moments are there in my relation with him...the bad part always dominated.....but i dont know why i am not getting angry with him....though the moment i feel really bad and hurt.......again i feel i need him...this is the main problem that i am facing...thats the reason i am not able to leave him...may be i should think positively and as u said may be he is doing me a favour ....thanks for your reply ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Read and re-read your posts.

There are no redeeming qualities f rom what you've said. He sounds like he doesn't even like you or care about you. Why cling? 

You will hurt yourself more trying to make someting out of a relationship that is simply not there.

You will NEVER move on or meet someone good for you as long as you're with this guy.


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