# How do you be intimate again after infidelity???



## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

I found out that my husband cheated and we are working on making it last but I am having issues with wanting to be intimate. 

In years past, we were very open and loving but with this last time (there were other times that I had to get thru as well) I am not able to open my heart freely. I dont know if I dont want to get hurt or what. Maybe it's visions of him and someone else. 

I want him and I want him to want me but this feeling I cant shake. I try to talk with him but he shuts down. He has never been an open, "touchy feely" type of guy. Not sure how to get him to open up and I dont know how to get past him being with another woman. It's just a turn off to think of that when you want to be together. 

Any help or advise is appreciated. I am at the end of my rope here. I miss sex with my husband AND I dont want it tanted with visions and images of another woman.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

HC92 sorry that your are here. Im not familiar with your situation. All i can say is its just gonna take time.. I am coming to this realization and accepting it. If you spouse is remorseful and doing the heavy lifting that is needed for them to help you heal, then its just gonna take time and how you want to handle this. If found myself browsing the internet day in day out trying to find something. There isn't. Its all on are shoulders to eventually cope and forgive if thats what we choose to do. 

Some people cant heal and accept this has happened to them. If that ends up your case, it does not make you a bad person its who you are and how you deal with it. Just give it time work on you, find yourself and decide on who, what and were you want to be. Then make up your mind if you want your WS to be apart of your new feature or not.. 

Good luck and i hope you can find peace with yourself. As of recent i think i have finally turned a corner and am finding mine. It wasn't easy.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A few weeks after disclosure of my affair, my wife went into sexual overdrive for a couple of months. We went from no sex in the preceding two years to sex 5 times per week. Then, back to nothing.

Unfortunately it took two marriage counselors and two therapists (mine) before we resumed a decent sex life. It takes a lot of talking, honesty AND the betrayed spouse being able to move forward from the cheating.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I imagine the feeling is different for men than for women, and person to person, but I imagine your feelings are normal. Immediately after I found out I felt a need to erase, over-write, and undo what had been done. Remind her what we had. But I couldn't do those things at first.

I would try, I would touch her, but images flashed through my head, dark thoughts, etc... I even got a little sick the first few times I tried. When I got past that, the sex was great. But even though I wanted it, I had to fight myself to get there, and part of me felt it was still too soon. It felt like something I needed to do... that pressure was pretty strong. There are any number of ways it could've played out. It's all pretty fresh for me still, so I can't say I don't think of her affair, but those thoughts have become less obtrusive, at least during sex. Sex is almost the refuge it once was, but I now view my partner differently.

If you're not ready (even if you want to be), he should try to understand, suck it up, be supportive and help you work through it. Help you heal. That seems to be the least he could do as a step towards rebuilding your relationship. My partner was understanding and let me take the lead in doing what I wanted/needed. It helped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

When I learned of my xw's cheating,l I lost all desire to bed her again. Fortunately, there are other available women and finding them was not as scary or difficult as one might think. Settling on one that I clicked with took a few tries, but seems to be going well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> I found out that my husband cheated and we are working on making it last but I am having issues with wanting to be intimate.
> 
> In years past, we were very open and loving but with this last time (there were other times that I had to get thru as well) I am not able to open my heart freely. I dont know if I dont want to get hurt or what. Maybe it's visions of him and someone else.
> 
> ...


When my wife ended her affair and came back to me, I wanted to be intimate, well, maybe just to cuddle her. And she rejected me.

Eventually we started being intimate again but I found that I had 'performance problems' for several months.


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## freedom7 (Jul 13, 2012)

A few things would interfere for me. 
I'd have toruble being vulnerable, a pereq for intimacy with me.
I would feel as if I were condoning the affair.
I would wonder if I satisfied her as well as the OM.
I was too sad and angry to get aroused.
I was self concious for the first time with her, again, interferring with arousal.
Finally, there is the hygiene issue. Her tissues were now soaked with foreign semen. Who knows what that stuff contained? Scared me.:gun::fish:


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

I'm struggling with this too. We now sleep in separate beds as I cannot even have him near me.

We tried intimacy a few weeks ago. I was totally into i, but then I felt so sick in my stomach and I haven't gone near him since. 

The first time I saw a sex scene during a movie on TV after D-Day I had a meltdown. It was a like a mind movie on the screen. I cried for hours. It was real.

I have forced myself to watch sex on TV - not porn just normal TV L) - just to try to get past it. I can now watch it and not feel ill.

I cannot even have him hold me. I'm off to IC next week to try to process.

I'm sorry - I wanted to give you hope and I've dumped my stuff - but you aren't alone. It's hard.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

Vanilla Tree said:


> I'm struggling with this too. We now sleep in separate beds as I cannot even have him near me.
> 
> We tried intimacy a few weeks ago. I was totally into i, but then I felt so sick in my stomach and I haven't gone near him since.
> 
> ...


Regarding the TV, I was the same way. Actually it was a movie with an infidelity scene - I had to leave the room - H didn't even ask why - [email protected]@.

The first few times we did it after D-day was some of the most amazing sex we had ever had. I think it was all of the emotions going on inside of me. But every time afterward I would get extremely fearful and afraid that I was going to be hurt again. I still get this way, 4 months out. But I am still very much on an emotional roller coaster due to a very shaky R. Some days I think I really love him, other days I don't even like him.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hurt&confused,

From readings your posts, I get the sense that what is holding you back is your WH not being truly remorseful or doing an heavy-lifting to save your marriage. He wants to rugsweep - and it will never fully get better if you accept such an arrangement, if you allow him to rugsweep. I think the saying on TAM has yet to click for you (only recently did for me) and so many: In order to save your marriage you have to first be willing to lose it. 

I think R is real this time for me. My tears didn't change him, but the divorce papers did. And being shocked about what he was about to lose, he began to see my pain too. Your husband has got to feel that he is about to lose his entire world before he'll start seriously reflecting on the damage he has done.

About your concern with intimacy after infidelity. While I think the main issue in your case is that your R is false (he's not all in - he hasn't been truly pushed out), it's normal to struggle with intimacy even when you want to move forward. Of course some do more than others.

I'm like you. After the third DDday my sexual organs and libido just shut down. I had zero interest in being sexual and it actually made me feel miserable. The times I attempted after Dday 2 I cried afterwards - always. Since the last Dday (and since my husband has REALLY changed it seems!) three weeks have passed and we have had sex one time. He knows I'm not at that stage yet. The one time we did was not as painful as before. And I am starting to feel more receptive to the idea and not totally disgusted by it. The more I see his remorse and efforts to bring me back to life, the more prepared I know I am becoming for intimacy. We are at the cuddling stage - which is what I need more than sex at the moment.

I think it bears repeating: In order to save your marriage, you first have to be willing to lose it. Only when you are mentally prepared to walk away, may your husband finally "get" what he has done to you and be ready to fight for you.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

freedom7 said:


> A few things would interfere for me.
> I'd have toruble being vulnerable, a pereq for intimacy with me.
> I would feel as if I were condoning the affair.
> I would wonder if I satisfied her as well as the OM.
> ...


these are exactly my thoughts (except the obvious that im a woman) 

I want to be intimate in all aspects with him but placing my mouth on him makes me think of "her" and what they did. It's creepy and I lose all arrousal. 

Where are you now? we have been intimate but I know I am holding back. I dont want to loose him but I have to be comfortable and secure. 

Thank you for sharing this.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Hurt&confused,
> 
> From readings your posts, I get the sense that what is holding you back is your WH not being truly remorseful or doing an heavy-lifting to save your marriage. He wants to rugsweep - and it will never fully get better if you accept such an arrangement, if you allow him to rugsweep. I think the saying on TAM has yet to click for you (only recently did for me) and so many: In order to save your marriage you have to first be willing to lose it.
> 
> ...


I am wondering if my mind set has to do with me being with him for so long. (since I was 16). He's the only guy I have really been with and loved. He was there when i lost my Dad and I latched on to him. Our relationship hasnt been peachy the whole time but I thought what we were going through was "normal". We married after 12 years of "dating" and in my mind I was "done" playing around...guess it wasnt the same for him. His mother is the same way in my opinion but I will never disrespect her or him for that matter. 

I am trying to be more wake and aware. My H is not the most passionate or open to begin with so I cant expect him to be superman when he is more like batman. He has opened up, cried and begged. I have walked out (but came back) and we have fought. Honestly, it's not in my make up for some of the "games" and I am being told to play on TAM but I know folks mean well and truly have my best intest at heart when they say. I have told him this past time was his 3rd strike and that now matter how much I love him and is in love with him, I WILL leave. I told him that I want him, I choose him and love him but I dont NEED him to live. He knows this is true for me because my parents died when i was very young (my mom died from cancer when I was 16 and my dad died when I was in college) My outlook changed and I became a hard woman to the outside world but not really with him.

All the times before, I really didnt look at myself and just held him at bay and to blame. Now that I am a mother, my outlook on life is different and the fact that he is the father of my kids makes me look at him differently. I will forever be in contact with him married or not. God cant say that I'm not trying and He says he is. Time will tell and his actions willl as well. He seems to be trying just not as hard as I want him to. He has read my posts on here and I think THAT alone shook him some. He's a private person and the fact that his "business" is on the internet is upseting to him. My response was "you did this to yourself, I didnt" I want to be happy, safe and secure in my marriage and TAM is helping me to not think about what you did and cry all the time. Want me to stop posting??? Stop cheating and be a REAL husband and father. 

Thank you to everyone. it's a "one day at a time" process and I am not very strong...if you guys knew me in person you would be shocked. I can be very direct with everyone else but I have that problem with being that way with him.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Even at almost 49 my WW still has a fantastic body. Time was when all I wanted to do was kiss it, touch it, hold it. I would literally worship at the temple of her sex with my mouth - there was no where else I wanted to be.

But now...

now I want to be anywhere but with her. The last time we had sex I couldn't cum. And it didn't bother me.


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

to the OP - I made love to my wife within 6 hours of finding out that she had cheated on me with my best friend. 

This seems nuts, but for me, it was important to solidify and reaffirm our sexual connection. 

We are working on the emotional issues and the trust and all of that still, but things are getting better each day. 

The sex between my wife and I is more passionate and mindblowing than it ever was in 13 years (and it was pretty D**M great before)

This is me as a man, so it may not apply, but re-establishing the sexual connection, I feel, is important to the healing process. My wife could not understand how i would want to make love to her so soon after finding out. 

I just told her that it was the opposite of what my mind was telling me to do, so it made perfect sense to do it. There is no such thing as rational thinking when you have been betrayed and hurt, going to your most basic primal place was a stepping stone for me. 

Again, worked for me...can't promise anything for someone else


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

Rand OmGuy said:


> to the OP - I made love to my wife within 6 hours of finding out that she had cheated on me with my best friend.
> 
> This seems nuts, but for me, it was important to solidify and reaffirm our sexual connection.
> 
> ...



Thank you for this post...

This is where I would love to be but my mind prevents the basics of arousal. I have the desire but my body wants something that my mind doesnt. (does this make sense???)

So my question for you is, there were never any "visions" that prevented this for you? And if so, did you talk this over with anyone (Wife or counselor) to help you past it.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

Oh no.. I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way and going through this... 

First things first, make sure you both get medical clearance. 

Secondly, counseling. You definitely up your chances of your marriage surviving this blow with counseling. Counseling will help you both understand each other's unique needs and help formulate a plan to effectively move past this ordeal.. 

It's going to take healing of your heart to open up to him completely. HE is going to have to help you past it. HE is going to have to reassure you. HE is going to have to do open up and deal with whatever he is dealing with internally so he can be more physical and affectionate towards you. For most women (who love their husbands), the affection and touch of our spouses are life to us. At this point it's not so much about him, its about YOU... 

Be well...


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