# Did jealousy ruin it?



## kittahkat (Apr 29, 2018)

I have had trust issues for quite some time, and have been burned many times when I trusted people I shouldn’t have, who later cheated on me with friends.

This has sort of become a theme now, where I am very wary of female friends. I have been talking to this guy for a couple of months now, and we by pure fluke got chatting online randomly, even though we don’t live particularly close.

He drove down one weekend and visited me, and then a couple of weeks later I visited him (I happened to be going on holiday to somewhere close to his state that was booked before we met, but I ended up changing the plans slightly to go see him), and we spent 5 incredibly days together doing activities and spending time with one another.

He had mentioned a female friend he had slept with in the past and had cheated on an ex girlfriend with. It made me very very guarded as soon as I found it out, and ever since I have really been letting it impact me. This girl has been in his life since he was younger as their families are friends, and she will be coming to his sisters wedding next weekend, and he told her she could stay at his house (before he and I got chatting).

I really wanted to believe that there was nothing in it as he had said, and he even told me he regretted even sleeping with her as she has feelings for him and he doesn’t feel the same, but he said she is a very old friend and will always be in his life.

I basically got so jealous that yesterday he told me we didn’t have anymore romantic potential, because I just can’t seem to let it go about her, and it’s exhausting. I feel pretty devastated and so angry at myself because I feel like my jealousy ran this into the ground, and now I have blown it.

Ever since he told me, we have still been texting, which is sort of confusing me in terms of if he said we can’t have more out of frustration, or if he really did mean it.

So I guess my question is, is there any way I can salvage this? Am I being silly even hoping he was just frustrated and didn’t really mean it? I don’t know where I stand as we are still chatting, but I don’t want to question him.

I guess he was honest about the girl from the get go as she seems to comment a lot on his statuses and likes everything, and when we were spending time together she text him asking why he was being distant, so I sort of wondered what the deal is, and he responded saying he doesn’t want to give her false hope because they won’t ever be what she wants. The thought of next weekend is tearing me apart as next weekend they will all be together and I can’t help but feel like he will end up sleeping with her again, and I ruined something that had some real potential.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a character and lifestyle issue on his part and has nothing to do with you. 

This is a FWB that he bangs on the side even when he has a girlfriend. He is a cheater and a skirtchaser. 

It is not jealousy or insecurity that is giving you pause in pursuing this relationship - it is smarts and good sense. 

Your only issue here is you have been damaged so much in the past that you no longer trust your own good judgement and no longer trust the little voice inside you that tells you he is a crud. 


He is not relationship material. Trust your own judgement that tells you he sucks. 

Walk away. Don't look back. don't answer txts or calls. 

It is your better judgement and smarts that are telling you he is a bad apple and not worthy or your time, energy or company.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My suggestion is to seek some professional counseling/therapy to determine why you think so low of yourself that you even consider something like this and are even questioning your decision to not pursue a relationship with him.

This should be a slam dunk and should be a drop the microphone and walk away moment. 

Why are you even considering allowing yourself to be a part of this situation and why are accepting being another side piece for this person while he parades other women in front of you? 

That is the question you need to be seriously exploring.


----------



## kittahkat (Apr 29, 2018)

Well she doesn't live close and he hasn't seen her since November of last year. He even showed me messages he sent her telling her he doesn't want to chat a lot and give her false hopes they will be together, and when I asked who she was he was honest, and could have lied. If he wanted to be with her I figured he would have been by now.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Learn to appreciate yourself and maybe get some counseling for your self esteem and insecurity issues.
However also trust yourself and your instincts.In my opinion you are right to be concerned about this girl,she has shown that she is attracted to your boyfriend and he shouldn’t have agreed to her staying with him if he truly doesn’t want to give her hope.
I think you dodged a bullet here.


----------



## kittahkat (Apr 29, 2018)

Not sure it changes peoples thoughts, but he is not my boyfriend, we have just been hanging out. I thought the same though. I mean this was before me, but if he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something? The fact he hasn't makes me wonder. Maybe he planned to sleep with her again.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

kittahkat said:


> He had mentioned a female friend he had slept with in the past and had cheated on an ex girlfriend with. It made me very very guarded as soon as I found it out, and ever since I have really been letting it impact me. This girl has been in his life since he was younger as their families are friends, and she will be coming to his sisters wedding next weekend, and he told her she could stay at his house (before he and I got chatting.


So this “female friend he had slept with in the past and had cheated on an ex girlfriend with” will be staying at his house and he calls you jealous for being bothered by this? I am sure that he told his girlfriend that he cheated on that she had nothing to worry about with this female friend and she believed him, because he is a very convincing liar and cheat.

The truth is that he broke up with you so that he has the option to sleep with this female friend when she spends the night. He is also training you to blindly ignore common sense and to put up with his cheating ways without question, so that he has the option of bringing you back in on 100% his terms. All of this explains why he is still keeping you on the hook by texting you.

You say that you have a history of being cheated on, and your post indicates why.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 60 years old, & married 38 years (first time for the both of us). It is not your jealousy; you know what is bothering you. I would bet that they are sleeping together. This is the "Friends w/ Benefits" scenario. Do not continue your relationship with this man. He will cheat on you, just like he did with the others. Don't be like the others. If you want a serious and committed relationship, he's not the man for you. Sorry you are here.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

kittahkat said:


> If he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something? The fact he hasn't makes me wonder. Maybe he planned to sleep with her again.


 When you ask “If he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something”, that is not jealousy speaking, that is smart logic. Cheaters demand that if you want to not be called jealous by them, that you ignore logic and blindly believe 100% of what they tell you. Never mind that they have lied and cheated in the past.

This guy is not good relationship material, and will betray any woman that tries to trust him. If you cut off all contact with him now and forever your life will be better for it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@kittahkat

You are not quite getting what people are telling you. 

It's not that he is torn between two lovers or trying to let her down softly or that he is trying to pick one or the other of you. 

It is that he is screwing whatever will have him at any given moment. He is not a relationship person. He just bangs whatever chick will have him at that time. 

She is just a FB/FWB that comes around now and then and he is cool with that ----- even when he supposedly has a GF. He doesn't want anything more from her and doesn't pretend that he does. 

He most likely doesn't want anything more from you either but is still trying to groom you to be another one of his FBs, so he has to walk a fine line between coming right out and telling you that you are another FB but yet not completely lie to you and tell you that he is or will be exclusive with you. 

He is not a relationship person and not relationship material. 

Your options are to be one of his FBs and get your place in his rotation, or realize that there is no potential for a healthy relationship here and leave him in your rearview mirror.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

kittahkat said:


> if he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something? The fact he hasn't makes me wonder. Maybe he planned to sleep with her again.


OK let's make this clear and spell it out in no uncertain terms -

He doesn't want her to be a Stage 5 Clinger and cramp his style. 

But he DOES want to continue having sex with her. 

There for he tells her not to get too attached, but that she can stay at his house and have sex while she is in town. 

Your gut instinct is trying to tell you that. You just need to believe it in your heart and in your brain.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> This is a character and lifestyle issue on his part and has nothing to do with you.
> 
> This is a FWB that he bangs on the side even when he has a girlfriend. He is a cheater and a skirtchaser.
> 
> ...





kittahkat said:


> Well she doesn't live close and he hasn't seen her since November of last year. He even showed me messages he sent her telling her he doesn't want to chat a lot and give her false hopes they will be together, and when I asked who she was he was honest, and could have lied. If he wanted to be with her I figured he would have been by now.


Sugar, you are not listening. @oldshirt it totally correct. He is a player, and you don't need that in your life. 

Get some consoling and work on yourself. Learn to trust yourself and your intuition. Learn that you are worth having a man that is yours and yours alone. 

Learn your worth as a woman, and look for a guy that deserves you and loves you for you. 

You don't need a player in your life...


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Get some *consoling *and work on yourself. Learn to trust yourself and your intuition. Learn that you are worth having a man that is yours and yours alone.


Humorous auto correct...


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I have a friend who was a FWB but has been just a friend for some time. I had plans to visit her out of state when I started a relationship. When I got back from the trip my GF told me she'd had a fling w/ an ex b/c she figured I was doing the same. I hadn't and knew I wouldn't, I thought it was bizarre that she wouldn't mention her suspicions before I left but I was just as happy to have someone that crazy out of my life.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SpinyNorman said:


> I have a friend who was a FWB but has been just a friend for some time. I had plans to visit her out of state when I started a relationship. When I got back from the trip my GF told me she'd had a fling w/ an ex b/c she figured I was doing the same. I hadn't and knew I wouldn't, I thought it was bizarre that she wouldn't mention her suspicions before I left but I was just as happy to have someone that crazy out of my life.


She was crazy that “she wouldn't mention her suspicions before” you left, and you were crazy expecting her to be OK with you visiting a former “FWB” out of state.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That situation is not something that usually works for most people. Be glad you found out before you were really involved with him. 

Time to move on.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TRy said:


> She was crazy that “she wouldn't mention her suspicions before” you left, and you were crazy expecting her to be OK with you visiting a former “FWB” out of state.


My motivation for mentioning it was to show how jealousy played a part in a situation that is similar in at least some way. If you think I'm crazy that is fine with me.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Probably best not to date someone who a) has already cheated before and b) lives so very far away.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I feel pretty devastated and so angry at myself because I feel like my jealousy ran this into the ground, and now I have blown it."

YOU didn't blow anything here -- your jealousy was actually your common sense kicking you in the butt trying to tell you to NOT ignore warning signs. 

I will give the guy credit for telling you about this, BUT sometimes that "honesty" is trying to deflect you from the obvious -- he wouldn't have her staying at his house, alone, on a wedding weekend (lots of emotions) -- if he didn't want her to get ideas....


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

kittahkat said:


> Not sure it changes peoples thoughts, but he is not my boyfriend, we have just been hanging out. I thought the same though. I mean this was before me, but if he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something? The fact he hasn't makes me wonder. Maybe he planned to sleep with her again.


This is why your over-the-top, histrionic reaction is so frightening and out of place.

You're not even *exclusive* with the guy. You're having some kind of long distance FWB/text/computer chatting thing with him, and you're acting like you've been in a committed relationship with him for 10 years. It's like, Fatal Attraction scary. :surprise:

I give the guy 2 points for being HONEST about this girl. But I think you're absolutely correct - you let this guy see your 'crazy' way too early.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> I have a friend who was a FWB but has been just a friend for some time. I had plans to visit her out of state when I started a relationship. When I got back from the trip my GF told me she'd had a fling w/ an ex b/c she figured I was doing the same. I hadn't and knew I wouldn't, I thought it was bizarre that she wouldn't mention her suspicions before I left but I was just as happy to have someone that crazy out of my life.


Well, she must have recorded your calls, VARed you, or read your communications.
She knew more than she let on.

She did not do this, think this 'out of the blue'.

She told you she had a fling with an EX while you were gone.
Did she have the fling?

Or, did she bait you into confessing your supposed fling?

Sounds like she had been burned in the past and lit the fuse.

Lit the fuse, blowing the two of you in two, too bad.

You call her crazy, I call her sensitive.
Sensitive to men's after shave.

They, these men, leaving her nicked, her pubes and her soul burning.





TH-


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

You've got to soul search and decide within yourself if you even want to pursue a relationship with this guy. He's told you he hasn't been faithful in his past. For me, if I were with such a woman, I'd know 100% fact she is capable of cheating if the opportunity arises or the relationship hits a rough patch, she's shown she hasn't always been loyal. I'd probably would have pulled back after finding that out. 

Since you know he's be unfaithful with others do you want to invest in this anyway?

If you decide the answer is yes than you've got to find a way to put this stuff out of your mind. If you can't than just let it go and find a guy with a track record of fidelity.


----------



## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

kittahkat said:


> Not sure it changes peoples thoughts, but he is not my boyfriend, we have just been hanging out. I thought the same though. I mean this was before me, but if he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something? The fact he hasn't makes me wonder. Maybe he planned to sleep with her again.


Some of these responses are ridiculous. You aren't together so he can do whatever he wants, and he's not being a jerk about it. I don't think this other girl is a FWB, she's just an old friend that things went too far with. If you ever got serious then maybe something would need to be done with her, but right now, you have no leg to stand on. I'd kick you to the curb if you acted all jealous right off the bat.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Steelman said:


> Some of these responses are ridiculous. *You aren't together so he can do whatever he wants*, and he's not being a jerk about it. I don't think this other girl is a FWB, she's just an old friend that things went too far with. If you ever got serious then maybe something would need to be done with her, but right now, you have no leg to stand on. I'd kick you to the curb if you acted all jealous right off the bat.


True (to the bolded), however, why the oversharing - right off the bat? 

Why would you tell someone you hardly know about these sexual experiences?

It's unnecessary and inappropriate.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Steelman said:


> kittahkat said:
> 
> 
> > Not sure it changes peoples thoughts, but he is not my boyfriend, we have just been hanging out. I thought the same though. I mean this was before me, but if he doesn't want to give her false hopes, wouldn't he have told her to stay at a hotel or something? The fact he hasn't makes me wonder. Maybe he planned to sleep with her again.
> ...


I didn't think the responses are ridiculous. This is the time to decide if he's the kind of guy she wants to get serious with.

If a guy saw that a relationship potential cheated on her ex with her male friend, and still had that male friend orbiting her life and was even sleeping over at her place for her sisters wedding, I bet the responses would be the same. No good, don't continue with her, find someone who isn't having sleep overs with a dude she ****ed and cheated on her ex with.

I think the responses are right on.


----------



## kittahkat (Apr 29, 2018)

I do agree that as we aren’t dating, he can do what he wants and I may have been too jealous; but at the same time I wanted peoples opinions. Outsiders who could give feedback and who are not in the situation. 

Even though I’m not his gf, it does make me wary to start a relationship with someone who is having a sleepover with a girl he has slept with in the past. 

In my opinion, if a true friend didn’t want to lead her on he may say he is happy to get lunch and catch up, but staying over is a little too close, and I think personally he should be doing that even if I wasn’t in the picture if he claims to not have feelings for her. 

Does anyone here actually believe he is lying about not being into her? Just curious.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

kittahkat said:


> Does anyone here actually believe he is lying about not being into her? Just curious.


I still don't think this is quite sinking in with you.

He is not a relationship person. He is not think in terms of a steady GF or marriage or serious, exclusive relationship.

He is telling the truth that he does not want to have a serious, exclusive relationship with her (because then he couldn't have sex with you)

But he does want to have sex with her; that is why he is having her stay at his place for the weekend.

To be blunt - he wants to have sex with both of you and not be in an exclusive, serious relationship with either of you.

I can't put it more clearly than that.

Maybe someone else can explain it better.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Well, she must have recorded your calls, VARed you, or read your communications.
> She knew more than she let on.


She knew less than she thought, as I said, I didn't have any affiar.


> She did not do this, think this 'out of the blue'.
> 
> She told you she had a fling with an EX while you were gone.
> Did she have the fling?


I took her word for it.


> Or, did she bait you into confessing your supposed fling?


I don't confess to things I didn't do, including this.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But he does want to have sex with her; that is why he is having her stay at his place for the weekend.
> 
> .


The way we all know that he is wanting to have sex with her is he is having her stay at his place the weekend.

If he didn't want a relationship with her and if he didn't want to have sex with her, then assuming he could have has sex with you, then he would have canceled with her and told her she couldn't stay with him.

The fact that he is having her stay and not seeing you means that she is a sure thing. 

Otherwise he would get with you and cancel her.


----------

