# Dog Priority over Me How to walk away without anger



## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

To give you some history, my husband and I married too quickly. We didn't really know each other very well. I fell in love and he popped the question and we got married. We are in our fifties and have both been previously married. I was looking for someone to live the remainder of my life with. He was lonely. You should also know that I was raised with pets of all types and love animals. 

This is what has transpired. We married in the Spring. He put his dog in the kennel and we had our wedding night alone. The next day he went to get the dog, a 12 year old female Labrador. About 2 months into the marriage, he got sick. He treated me very badly, telling me to leave. He wouldn't take anything to ease his symptoms. The house is small. I tried to stay away from him due to the way he was treating me. I walked into the living room and found the dog lying on the floor, back to the couch and watched in disbelief as he was lying on the floor next to the dog, placing the dog's legs on his side. I couldn't believe it. I left and went back to a room to be by myself. The next time I walked into the living room, he was sitting on the couch. The dog was lying on the couch with her front paws hanging off the couch. I watched him take her head; she relented at first and then allowed him to do so. Again, I watched in disbelief as he put his lips on the side of her muzzle and planted a kiss with his head moving right and left. I felt I had walked into something intimate that I should not be a part of. I wanted to leave, but when I talked with my mother over the phone, she said, don't let that dog ruin your marriage. Unfortunately, I was unable to leave at the time because I did not have a job or I would have and never looked back. Later I confronted him later and he lied and said he was chilling. I confronted him again by saying, you went to the dog for comfort. He did not deny it. He made me feel degraded, like I wasn't enough woman somehow. I felt traumatized and this is really what started it all for me. When I would come up the steps if I forgot something, I walked in fear of what I would find.

She use to sleep in bed with him. When we dated, he had steps to the bed and a white comforter lengthwise on the bed. I told him that I would not marry him, if that dog slept in our bed. The dog was no longer allowed to sleep in bed. So he compromised on that point. He later lied and said she slept at the bottom of the bed.

One time we were making love and the dog tried jumping into bed with us. Well that abruptly ended it. 

When he comes home from work, the dog barks when he kisses me. At first he would put his hand on the dog's head. I would walk away feeling like, this is my time. The dog is jealous and truthfully, at times I am jealous of the attention the dog receives. He will spend time touching the dog, letting her lick his face, his lips and no attention is given to me. I have even said, what about some sugar for me? It doesn't work.

At every meal, the dog would have her nose at my plate. I insisted that she lay on the floor while I ate my dinner. I felt rushed by the animal and I did not like having her breathing on my food. She now lays at my feet while I eat. After we eat, he allows the dog to lick our plates. I figured, alright, the dishwasher has a sanitation cycle. Let it go.

We live on a lake. We discussed jet skis. I thought finally something we can do without the dog. Then out of his mouth was (dog's name) loves the jet ski! My heart just sank.

He had a neighbor ask him if he would like some sweet corn. As he just had dentures, he said he could not eat it. Then the neighbor said, "What about your wife?" The same day, he brings home this dilapidated recliner and said "but she likes it!". Who is a priority?

The dog gets on all of the furniture. When I moved into his house, I brought a leather sofa, so we put on it twin comforter to prevent her from clawing it all up. His cloth sofa is in the basement. She has licked herself on it to the point that it is stained with large circles of saliva. His leather recliner is scarred from her claws. At least my sofa isn't being destroyed, but I shake my head when I look at the sofa in the basement. She does no wrong. 

My last dog died at 13 years of age. I loved her very much and she knew right from wrong. He doesn't teach her any manners. Even his best friend (a woman) told me they quit coming over to his house because of the dog. They tired of her licking her legs, she likes lotion, and then him getting her to sit by him while he held her collar to keep her in place. 

He rubs his feet under her ears and then tells her to "Lick my toes", he tells me not to get into a fuss about it. I just shake my head. He told me once to try it. I said no.

The dog doesn't like the vet, so I suggested getting a sedative. The first time, it was one pill and the dog still showed signs of anxiety. So the next time her took her, he gave her two pills. She was overly sedated, to the point she peed on my leather sofa. I did not blame her. I just cleaned up the mess. She was in the basement so he said he didn't want her to feel alone, so he carried her up the steps and hurt his ribcage because of her weight. She was taken back down to the basement later when we went to bed, but she continued to come up the steps. Finally I said, "Do you want to sleep with her?" And by-golly, he did. 

He has two trucks. One he calls her dog house. I went one time and then never again for a ride with them. The dog sat in the center, I sat at the passenger side. The dog tried sitting on me, so he put his arm around her and I sat very close to the passenger side. I thought, this seems so wrong. He should have his arm around me and the dog should be sitting with her head out the window. Another time, I came home, and a man said he had been sitting in the truck with the dog and didn't hear him (he wears a hearing aide) when he tried saying hi. I asked him about it and he said the dog wouldn't get out of the truck. I thought, who is the alpha?

We were invited to go stay at his sister's house to see her new kitchen. The first words out of his mouth was, "What do I do about "dog's name"? Not, oh that sounds great or we'd love to see your new kitchen.

His daughter, in her 30's was sent a BDay card. I told him to sign it from him and I, his new wife. The dog didn't need to be on the card, as a dog doesn't even know. She later informed me by phone, that was the first time after many years, the dog's name, didn't sign the card. I couldn't believe it. The grandchildren yes, but his daughter? I cant believe she just isn't happy that her father (and her mother has been remarried to another man for many, many years) has someone in his life.

We had one argument, where I said, "Stop making her human!" He replied, "No, no, no, she's like my daughter!" I thought, more like your lover.

He would come home after being around someone else's dog and say "(Dog's name), I haven't went out on you." I finally said without thinking, "GD it, she's not your lover!" He never said it again.

The dog recently developed a lick granuloma. She has allergies. My husband took her to the vet and she received steroid injections and antibiotics. I told him she needs to have a cone to prevent her from licking, as she was constantly licking it. It became worse. He took her back to the vet and the vet injected the wound with steroids, gave him a script for steroids and antibiotics. He later told me he had to lay on the vet's floor with her so the vet could administer the injections. 

Just a couple of weeks ago was my sister's BDay. While she unwrapped gifts, he would just stare at the picture of the dog in a cone on his phone. Now he wants to take the cone off of her and the wound is starting to dry up and heal. 

For the last few mornings, he kisses me good-bye, takes his stuff to his truck and returns to kiss his dog good-bye.

If she barks to come in, it sounds like "Now!" and he jumps up and lets her in. 

I grow tired, not only of feeling second to an animal, but of his occasional snide remarks and put downs. I kept hoping the dog would die, but even then I fear he'll be hell to live with. This is an unhealthy relationship. I thought at one time I might be here to help him distance himself from the animal, since he considers her a human. My sister is like him in her treatment of animals, but I feel she knows the difference between a male dog and her husband. I feel he is dysfunctional and obsessed with the dog. I don't think I can handle waiting for the animal to die. Do know I don't blame the animal, I blame the man. 

I wanted to get a kitten or a puppy, thinking it might put her in her place, but even the vet said, don't leave (dog's name) alone with it or she may kill it. So while he has his pet, I have none and I miss having a pet to love of my own. Although remember, I feel an animal is not a human being. For me, having a pet is having a furry friend. It is my responsibility to protect it, feed it, play with it and love it. I know I will more than likely outlive my furry friend and it is also my responsibility to say good-bye and mourn my pet’s loss. Just like my little dog that had heart problems, her life had lost its quality and she laid around because of her heart. There were many times I took her to the emergency vet until the time the vet gave me the ultimatum to say good-bye and I did. Then another little personality will come into my life to love.

I try to take days off when he is off during the week because I feel when I am not around, he defaults to the dog and she becomes even more important. I can't do it all the time because my job is Monday through Friday. He will be off tomorrow and I know he and her will ride in the truck, he'll lay on the floor with her, and do whatever else he does when I am not at home. I even thought about buying hidden cameras to verify, but if he found them, that would definitely be the end and it might not be all that bad.

When the dog is not around, I am happy, but that only occurs when she sits in her truck dog house and not often. I still love my husband. I just feel tested constantly. 

My question is, I am now to the point I am almost ready to leave. Do I wait for the dog to die? And no more dogs? She could live another 2 years and I don't think I can handle it as I am very tired of it all. The man can be so wonderful, that's how I fell in love with him, but he also has deeply hurt me over and over again with his priorities of the dog preceding me. How do I walk away from this without having anger consume me? How do I let go? What would you do? Thank you for any help you can give me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There is nothing in your post that indicates anything out of the ordinary for someone who loves their dog. Absolutely nothing.

What I do see however is a woman who doesn't feel loved enough. 

You are asking your husband not to show love for the dog because that threatens you. You asked your husband to give you some sugar too, but what you didn't see was that your husband was GETTING sugar from the dog, not giving sugar.

Dog show nothing but unconditional love. That's why it is so easy for humans to show the kind of love and affection to dogs that we do.

Your husband has had his beloved dog for a lot longer than he has had you. That dog has given him love and only asked to always be by his side. I can believe anyone can be jealous of something so pure as the love between a dog and a human.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm confused about the lying on the floor next to the dog, placing the dog's legs on his side and kissing the dog part. Was he really being intimate? I've seen many people lay with their dogs or kiss their dog, my cat is usually sitting on my lap and I kiss his head, but your reaction to it makes it seem like it was much more than that.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

I agree with you to a point, as my sister is an animal lover. She says she is eccentric. She is to me and so is he. Sometimes I think, maybe I just don't look at it right?

I do understand the dog gives unconditional love. That's her job. I have had many pets through the years and I loved them all. For each one of them had a special personality. I feel blessed I have memories of these special little furry friends. They enriched my life.

I also agree he has had his pet for many more years than being with me. I try very hard to know he has love in his heart for the pet and for me. I truly try to be objective. I also know that I can be jealous when he and the dog show each other love and I get none. 

Although, as a new bride, I truly felt traumatized when he treated me like dirt while I watched him lay with the dog and then plant that type of kiss on the dog. Sure, I gave my dogs and cats a peck on their head, but that was all. I loved them, but I never kissed one like I kiss a man.

It's when I feel she is prioritized over me that I feel usurped by an animal and it causes me great pain. Just like the corn and the dilapidated recliner. 

Maybe I need someone that will give a wife more love? Someone that looks upon pets as furry friends, part of the family, like I do, not as my equal...and I do know pet lovers feel that way. I am not a bad person and neither is he. We are just different in the way we look at pet ownership. I just need a time out. Even my pet loving sister has a time out from her 5 dogs to be with her husband. The only time I truly get attention is in bed, rarely out of it. 

Although do know, his snide remarks are condensing and meant to be a put down. This I will not accept. We are getting ready to go to a car race. I have never been, he has been to several. At Christmas time I told my Mom to forgo my Christmas and to give us the tickets so he could go. I was trying to get into something he loves. Something we could share. I am not the type of woman that loses herself in her man. My sisters have told me to get headsets so we can talk to each other. He told me last night, we are not getting headsets. He said it just has a radio and we can get that through our phones. I said I just didn't want to stand there and watch cars going around a track and not being able to ask him any questions. He said that's what a race is. I told him I want to enjoy the experience and he said he wanted to enjoy the race too.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

Slowly Going Crazy.

It was a few months into the marriage. He caught the flu. He walked around feeling sick and looked at me with hate in his eyes. My family went to an antique show. I didn't go because I didn't have any money. He kept telling me to leave. I tried staying away from him. The computer is in the bedroom, so I worked on the computer. I got up and went into the LR. I saw the dog with her back to the sofa and her legs stretched out, just like dog's lay. I watched him laying on the floor with his face towards her as he was placing her legs on his side. I truly was in disbelief. I went back to the computer. The next time I walked into the LR (you have to go through it to get to the kitchen) I saw the dog laying on the sofa with her front paws hanging off the sofa. He took his two hands and was lifting the dog's head. She didn't want him to take her head and then relented. I stood watching him plant his lips on the side of her muzzle with his head moving right to left. I felt I had walked into something intimate and I shouldn't be there. It wasn't a peck on the head. It was more like a kiss of passion. I was in total disbelief. Does that make it clearer?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You could have saved a lot of time and space by simply stating that your husband's relationship with his dog creeps you out.

Dog was there first, you're second. Get used to it or get a man who values a human female more than a canine female.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

Blondilocks, you are more than likely right about time and space, and your response. I just am hurting - rightly or wrongly.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't blame you. No way would I want to be intimate with a man who let a dog lick his face. Doesn't he know what else that dog licks? Yuck!!!


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

Blondilocks, thank you. She use to sit and lick herself, if you know what I am referring to. Finally I would say (dog's name) that's enough. In fact, when she is waiting while we eat dinner, she defaults to doing that. I don't relish watching an animal do that. I know its natural, but I don't want to watch. 

I said something to him one time about it and he said it was like being with me. I just shook my head. I don't mind if an animal licks the side of my face, but I do not want them to lick my mouth, because, like you, yuck!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm curious as to why he married you. Sounds like he already had a wife - his dog.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Yes, that does make it a bit clearer although you'd probably have to be there to really understand and I'm glad I wasn't. Seeing someone kissing an animal passionately is creepy. 

Do you believe that if the dog wasn't there he would be more affectionate with you? I don't see the point in waiting until the dog dies. Tell him what you need and if he can't give it to you then walk away. It's ok to be angry and hurting about the situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The eventual end of this dog doesn't necessarily mean the end of your problem. It's possible when she's gone that he will get another dog to replace her and repeat the cycle.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

Blondilocks, I actually feel the same way. I have called her the "first wife". I believe he was looking for someone because he was lonely for human touch and conversation. She will never, ever be able to accomplish that feat. 

He likes it when I walk into the kitchen and put my arms around him. I am touchy feely type of woman. Not all the time, but I am a very loving woman. 

I felt when I married him that I would give him my heart and soul, because I fell in love with him, yet truly I feel kicked in the teeth, regardless to how some individuals feel about their pets. I am not faulting them, I just would never do the same to a human man. Sure I will hug my dog or cat, give them a peck on the head, give them my time, etc., but I would never make a human man feel my pet was more important than they were to me as my mate. Different types of love. 

I use to think to myself, if the dog and I were drowning, who would he save? He's also a blamer. In this scenario, I would be blamed if I was the one saved. I take responsibility when I do something wrong, he does not. I am not perfect and never will be. I try to improve myself, because I feel there is always room for improvement to be a better me. I try to be happy, because I think happiness is an attitude, but sometimes, the events of this marriage just gets me down. I guess that's the crus of the matter and why I came here in the first place.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

Open minded: I have thought about getting 2 dogs after her death so they would have each other and his importance would be minimalized, but my family tells me, don't get any more dogs as I am aware how he will treat the animal. 

I have laughed to myself he will wear black when she dies. He will mourn her like he has lost his own sister/daughter/wife. I have no doubt about that and I don't know if I want to be around when that occurs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Of course he will mourn her when she dies!

Honestly, you sound like an insane jealous woman who is dramatizing normal dog loving behavior.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

This guy sounds like a total tool to me. It is not unreasonable of you in the slightest to want to be put first and the dog put second. Outside of that, the dog is not his child. Loving animals is fine, but this guy has a pretty creepy and unhealthy relationship with this animal. I always get creeped out by people that treat their animals as children. It's pretty gross, actually.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My dogs are as important to me as children would be if I had any. There's nothing wrong with loving one's pets - however a balance has to be struck within a family unit. Dogs should no more be allowed to run the house like little despots than children should.

That said, the level of jealousy and lack of understanding shown about the man's feelings for his dog is a little extreme, in my view.

The dog has been his faithful companion for 12 years. He's entitled to love her. He's entitled to want to reassure her when she is sick. If that means sleeping in the basement with her because she is not allowed in the bedroom; well, my husband knows full well I would do the same. When my dogs were pups I slept downstairs with them for the first week to get them used to their new surroundings. We opted not to have them in the bedroom for this because I needed to get up to let them potty in the night and my husband needed his sleep.

I think the bottom line is that the OP is not going to get over the jealousy of the dog, and the husband is not going to stop treating his dog as he always has done. A 12 year old lab is not going to last forever, though, so the question then is whether another dog will be obtained. At that point it might be possible for the OP and her husband to agree some boundaries.

As for when the dog dies, yes I am sure he will mourn her like a sister or child. And it will be cruel and heartless if he is derided or criticised for that. I dread the day one of mine goes. One of mine has been at death's door more times than I care to think about and I have been utterly distraught each time. My husband, although the dogs are mine, was almost equally upset and supported me completely each time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Here is me with my golden after the whole house had been up all night long dealing with his seizure. On the kitchen floor, soaking wet dog from having fallen into the pool during winter. The seizure left him unable to be aware of his surroundings and he walked right into the pool in 30deg weather. My husband had to drag him out while my daughters and I wrapped him in towels and blankets.

View attachment 23186


This is what dog lovers do for our dogs.

However, my golden has really bad breath so I don't let him lick me.

Would you be jealous of your husband showing this much love and affection for a child too?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

OMFG AP!!! AWWW!!!! You're like the best doggy family EVER!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think what OP is going through is completely normal/natural.

No body want's to take a 2nd place to a dob, come on now, that's pretty low.

And once you are in that place, her thoughts/jealousy is completely normal as well ( I can see my mind wondering like OP).

OP, you know what the problem is. Your husband has his priorities wrong. I'm sorry but my wife/SO is #1 in my life.

I'm a husband first, father second, son third....and on and on......


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> There is nothing in your post that indicates anything out of the ordinary for someone who loves their dog. Absolutely nothing.
> 
> What I do see however is a woman who doesn't feel loved enough.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It's such a lucky thing DH and I happen to be equally over the moon for our dogs and fosters.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

so the man has had this dog for twelve years. he was lonely, but good ol' faithful was always by his side, even when nobody else was.

then he meets someone new and she immediately gets jealous. new woman didnt know enough about him and thought that he would treat his dog the way she always treated pets, and would keep him at a length that she found normal. so she starts to resent him for caring more about his dog than she thinks he should. 

now, who does he go to for comfort? new woman judging him, or good ol' faithful who has always been by his side?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When a person treats a dog like a lover, something is wrong.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> When a person treats a dog like a lover, something is wrong.


nothing in her description says this to me,as a dog lover I see his behavior as exactly normal for how any other dog lover treats their dog.

I'm constantly cuddling my little princess pibble and my big clumsy sweetheart boy. You could walk into my house and find both dogs,my son,me,and my husband on the same couch tangled up together and loving it. 

Seems to me OP needs to be with a person who isn't into pets.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't see any of the behavior as treating the dog like a lover. I suspect the OP is dramatizing a regular old doggy kiss. She hasn't describe anything I find unusual and in nearly 30 years my husband has never been jealous. His rule, no dogs on beds or on sofas. So they have all figure out to get off the sofa when he walks in the room.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> When a person treats a dog like a lover, something is wrong.


when i was a kid, my dad was stationed at eilson AFB in alaska. base heating went down one day and and for a few days we damn near froze our asses off. my mother laid me and my brothers down on our Great Pyrenees, Belle. belle became our pillow, she kept us warm while we slept. 

another time belle saved us was in fairbanks. some drunk eskimo decided to try to hijack our car and threatened my mother with a knife. Belle put an end to that REAL quick.

my mother had a habit of kissing belle and rubbing her face all over her muzzle and head. whenever my father was not home, belle always slept in her bed, right next to her. she made my mother feel safe whenever my dad was deployed. Belle was part of the family.


my point is, he is not treating the dog like a lover. he is treating his dog as any dog lover would.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP is a dog lover, herself. The behavior she observes is creepy to her. Some people have healthy, loving relationships with their pets and others do not. 

No one here has actually observed the husband/dog interaction so just because your actions are as pure as the driven snow doesn't mean the OP's husband's are.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP is a dog lover, herself. The behavior she observes is creepy to her. Some people have healthy, loving relationships with their pets and others do not.
> 
> No one here has actually observed the husband/dog interaction so just because your actions are as pure as the driven snow doesn't mean the OP's husband's are.


i guess you could be right. it could be downright bestiality. i doubt it because it seems normal as described. 



> I confronted him again by saying, you went to the dog for comfort. He did not deny it. *He made me feel degraded, like I wasn't enough woman somehow. I felt traumatized and this is really what started it all for me.*


this is the problem i have with the op. he didnt make her do or feel anything. sounds to me like she had an emotional reaction and didnt bother to question it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree that some people have creepy relationships with their animals. I don't believe the OP's husband is one of them though.

I love my dogs soooooo much. I'm always kissing them on the head, the side of their face...we snuggle up....they're soft, warm and snuggly. Luckily hubby loves them too, they are now "our dogs", as opposed to "my dogs" 

We talk to them, snuggle with them, sometimes they sleep with us, sometimes not. When we have sexy time the boy groans and just gets off the bed and leaves the room in disgust, rofl!

I too am surprised at the OP's reaction to her husband's love for his dog.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Here is me with my golden after the whole house had been up all night long dealing with his seizure. On the kitchen floor, soaking wet dog from having fallen into the pool during winter. The seizure left him unable to be aware of his surroundings and he walked right into the pool in 30deg weather. My husband had to drag him out while my daughters and I wrapped him in towels and blankets.
> 
> View attachment 23186
> 
> ...


It says invalid attachment......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LookinforDirection,

You are focused on the dog. Give that up.


The problem is that you do not feel loved. This is where you need to put your attention. 

Do the two of you even do things together, just the two of you with out that darn dog? 

Sounds like you might want to think of leaving. What's there to stay for?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I says invalid attachment......


lol, at first i thought you were saying that her attachment to her dog was invalid, and then i clicked on the link. 

:rofl:


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Honestly, you sound like an insane jealous woman who is dramatizing normal dog loving behavior.


I'll freely admit I'm not an animal person and neither is my husband (he's allergic to cats, and I've a phobia about dogs after being bit as a child) but - even if you were a "normal dog lover" - I'd say that not establishing proper boundaries with the dog is an issue. 

I'd say the creepiest thing was the whole "lick her toes" and "don't make a fuss of it."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It says invalid attachment......


I removed my picture even though you really couldn't make an identification from it. It's just creepy putting your picture out there for too long.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

my dog licks my toes. im not sure why, he just seems to like it. i think its funny. he really goes after them after a long distance run. 


maybe i have a horribly sinful relationship with my dog?

then again, maybe i just have a dog. 

hmmm...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> my dog licks my toes. im not sure why, he just seems to like it. i think its funny. he really goes after them after a long distance run.
> 
> 
> maybe i have a horribly sinful relationship with my dog?
> ...


It was less about the dog licking the toes, but more about the husband encouraging it when it wasn't wanted on the OPs part. Not owning a dog, I can't clarify "normal dog lover behavior" - but ignoring a partners boundaries or desires for your own amusement is a problem dog or not. Ultimately, the issue might be the dog, but that OP feels ignored and disrespected by her husband.

That's a valid feeling to have. Just because there's an animal involved doesn't suddenly make those kinds of behaviors okay. She's not "insane and jealous" because she expects her husband's respect and consideration. 

The ultimate problem isn't the dog though, it's the husband. For your wife to even feel jealous about the affection you show your dog (and hence her to question it) shows something is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> It was less about the dog licking the toes, but more about the husband encouraging it when it wasn't wanted on the OPs part. Not owning a dog, I can't clarify "normal dog lover behavior" - but ignoring a partners boundaries or desires for your own amusement is a problem dog or not. Ultimately, the issue might be the dog, but that OP feels ignored and disrespected by her husband.
> 
> That's a valid feeling to have. Just because there's an animal involved doesn't suddenly make those kinds of behaviors okay. She's not "insane and jealous" because she expects her husband's respect and consideration.
> 
> ...



im still not convinced the OP has actually brought up her own feelings to her husband. it seemed to me like she silently judged him and asked only enough questions to justify her feelings without telling him anything or setting up boundaries.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> It was less about the dog licking the toes, but more about the husband encouraging it when it wasn't wanted on the OPs part. Not owning a dog, I can't clarify "normal dog lover behavior" - but ignoring a partners boundaries or desires for your own amusement is a problem dog or not. Ultimately, the issue might be the dog, but that OP feels ignored and disrespected by her husband.
> 
> That's a valid feeling to have. Just because there's an animal involved doesn't suddenly make those kinds of behaviors okay. She's not "insane and jealous" because she expects her husband's respect and consideration.
> 
> The ultimate problem isn't the dog though, it's the husband. For your wife to even feel jealous about the affection you show your dog (and hence her to question it) shows something is wrong.


There is a balance in all this.

If the wife is getting the attention she should be in the marriage, then I think a dog that licks toes should not be an issue. Dogs do things like that. 

If it were the case that the OP and her husband are spending about 15 hours a week of together time and he was loving to her it would be of concern about her if she complained about his dog licking his toes, wanting attention and snuggling some. Especially if she was jealous of this.

In the OP's case, the issue is not the dog really. The issue is that her husband is doing much at all to meet the OP's needs. That is what she needs to tackle.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

Anon Pink,

I don't think you quite get the gravity of the situation. My last dog was euthanized prior to my marriage due to heart problems and a loss of quality of life. I had to say good-bye. She was 13 years old. She lived with me in various states, even flew on Delta with me once as it was the same cost to board her as take her to my parents home with me. Yes, I mourned the loss of my pet.

I lost my Pixie Bob cat to a Pit Bull. I came out and saw virtually the last bite. I ran my cat to the vet, but too much damage had occurred. I cried and was upset for days.

I still miss these little furry friends and have wonderful memories of them being with me.

My mother rented a 4 bedroom house in the Ozarks. My husband's best friend (a woman) is going to come and feed and potty her while we are gone. She told me that he was really worried about her while we will be gone (leaving Monday, returning Thursday). I suggested keeping her at home since she fears the vet and would be more comfortable. So I came home and asked him if he would be so miserable, would he prefer to stay home. I told him if he was miserable there, I would be too. He said he would go. I will see. During my sister's BDay, while she was unwrapping gifts, he stared at a picture of the dog on his phone. So I am expecting it to happen again. His best friend of over 10 years told me she thought he would be suicidal when the dog dies. So now, is that normal behavior with a dog?
I don't think so. Sure, everyone that loves a pet, mourns, (and his friends knows him very well) but, suicidal? Come on.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

It isn't the licking the toes. It's all of it. All of it together and no I never get a time out from this dog.

I have an eccentric sister, that absolutely loves dogs. She spent $13k in surgeries for one of them. She is very involved with the Humane Society. She currently has 6 dogs, but she still knows her husband is number one. As for that type of money, I couldn't do it. I personally, feel its a sin, as there are many people that could benefit from that type of money, rather than a dog. Now that's whoever's right to spend their money as they feel.

As for my jealousy, yes a bit. When he touches her through the day when we have a day off together and he doesn't give me any attention. Then yes. I have even asked him "if I can get some sugar too".

He came home several times after being at work and another employee had brought their dog. He would say "Dog name, I didn't go out on you." Finally, I had enough of hearing that, and I said without thinking, "GD it, she's not your lover." He never said it again. And I am grateful.

Have I spoken with him about the situation. Yes, several times. I asked him not to make her a human and he was adamant about "No, no, no, she's like my daughter". When the first episode occurred, I felt traumatized. Was I not woman enough? What did I lack? He went to the dog while at the same time he treated me badly. I had felt the loss of my dignity and I told him so, later, when I was not emotionally charged and could gently speak with him about it. He understood and was angry with the dog for a couple of days.

My last marriage was 20 years. My ex even blocked traffic to try to keep me from going to court, so I must not have been that bad of a companion. I am a good wife. I work 40 hours, keep the house, am a very good cook, I am very affectionate and loving. I would do about anything for him, but I draw the line with his behavior with the dog. 

As for kissing and hugging a dog (or cat). I would give my pets a peck on the head. And yes, I hugged them. I loved them very much. I did not kiss my dog like he kissed his dog that day. It truly looked like a kiss of passion, and I am not exaggerating. 

I had to became the alpha to this dog or she would just run over me. She is a very demanding dog because he would let her run him. She will bark until she gets her way. She would walk in front of me up the stairs, push me aside through a doorway, sit in my chair, if I got up. She was first and the alpha. So I decided to treat her as though she was my own. I would make her behave and she would get reward. I give her my attention, love, and treats. And she likes me. She now respects me and hangs out with me when he is gone. Note that he actually gets jealous when she gives her attention to me and not solely him. And this has occurred several times. For instance, one time I was speaking with her and he tried getting her attention away from me by putting his feet on her. 

As for my past vacations, when I had to board my pets, I missed them and was happy to get them back, but they did not consume my thoughts while I was on vacation. I have no doubt, she will be on his mind throughout the vacation.


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## LookinforDirection (May 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> LookinforDirection,
> 
> You are focused on the dog. Give that up.
> 
> ...


Yes, I am thinking about leaving. It's not only the dog issue. He seems to cycle from being loving to being ugly. Last Tuesday night I worked 12 hours. I came home wired and shaky. I had worked so hard in preparation for a meeting and sat in a cold room during the meeting ( all the women were cold) so I felt chilled to the bone. I came home at 9:40 pm and he said I was acting weird as though I had done something wrong. I am a good girl, I don't step out or it would be to my own demise. He says snide comments, which seem like a way to be sarcastic with a smile on his face. I have addressed that also saying he is ugly when he speaks to me like that. He once in awhile puts me down. I don't like people to stand on me to feel taller. The whole situation makes me sad because I had fell in love with the good part of him. He can be such a wonderful man, yet I ask myself am I happy most of the time and the answer is no. If I hadn't been so blinded by love, not only the dog would have been a red flag, but so would the fact he had 2 women step out on him. Were they looking for what is missing for me? No idea, but it had to be something lacking. I am preparing, need a certificate to be gainfully employed making more than I make now (rural living) greatly limits opportunity and salary. I know I can't erase the past, but I was consumed with anger when my 20 year marriage ended. I am actually starting to pity him. Maybe that will help? He's also unapproachable in bed. He says he's either tired or hurts, so even that's on his own terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LFD, this is so not about the dog. Honestly, nothing you've said about his relationship with the dog sounds unusual to me, for someone who really loves their dog. My husband and I often joke when we come home from somewhere where there are other dogs, that "we're gonna get in trouble when we get home, we've been seeing other dogs". We have 3 dogs who sleep in our room (2 in a crate, the old boy on the bed, often in between us), they lie on the couch, they sit on us while we watch tv, they come for drives with us just because.

Your problems go much deeper than the dog...she's the squeaky wheel maybe, but she's not the problem.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

LookinforDirection said:


> Yes, I am thinking about leaving. It's not only the dog issue. He seems to cycle from being loving to being ugly. Last Tuesday night I worked 12 hours. I came home wired and shaky. I had worked so hard in preparation for a meeting and sat in a cold room during the meeting ( all the women were cold) so I felt chilled to the bone. I came home at 9:40 pm and he said I was acting weird as though I had done something wrong. I am a good girl, I don't step out or it would be to my own demise. He says snide comments, which seem like a way to be sarcastic with a smile on his face. I have addressed that also saying he is ugly when he speaks to me like that. He once in awhile puts me down. I don't like people to stand on me to feel taller. The whole situation makes me sad because I had fell in love with the good part of him. He can be such a wonderful man, yet I ask myself am I happy most of the time and the answer is no. If I hadn't been so blinded by love, not only the dog would have been a red flag, but so would the fact he had 2 women step out on him. Were they looking for what is missing for me? No idea, but it had to be something lacking. I am preparing, need a certificate to be gainfully employed making more than I make now (rural living) greatly limits opportunity and salary. I know I can't erase the past, but I was consumed with anger when my 20 year marriage ended. I am actually starting to pity him. Maybe that will help? He's also unapproachable in bed. He says he's either tired or hurts, so even that's on his own terms.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


why are you staying married to him? it sounds to me like you have already judged him and will only resent him from here on out. 

you might as well just leave him. you have barely mentioned any good qualities in him. if he is so bad, why not divorce him?

he would probably be better off for it anyway...


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I don't believe that "this is the way dog lovers act" as some want to say. I love my dogs to pieces, I went to great lengths to rescue them from horrible situations, they are a part of our family, but they are not my children. They do not get on our furniture, they do not demand our attention on their terms by licking us or shoving their heads into our arms. I am their alpha, their pack leader, and they respect that. They sleep in their beds in their crates, they are given attention when they are being calm, respectful, and deserving. They do not lick unless you specifically ask for a kiss, and wouldn't dream of eating human food unless it was placed in their bowls. Dogs are NOT humans. They are animals and to be fair to them, they must be treated as such. True love for these animals is shown as a mutual respect, with a (human) pack leader, and boundaries. 

Now, all that said... OP, I understand your jealousy but can neither condone nor condemn it. Sure, what you state sounds a lot like the way many people behave with their pups. However, you are the one that witnessed it, not me. As disgusting as I think it is, I would never kiss my dogs directly on their mouths, and I don't understand the way he was moving his head back and forth. That does sound off. But either way, it made YOU uncomfortable, and that is all that matters.

I find it amazing that so many posters here on TAM will tell an aggrieved wife that is having MIL issues that the H CHOSE the W and that he needs to put her as number one above his own mother, yet when it comes to a canine, we would all turn and say, "well, she came first!" Quite frankly, it boggles my mind.

OP, you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Be very very sure either way. Then calmly approach your H and be extremely clear on how specific actions affect you and make you feel. See if any compromises can be met that make you both feel okay about the situation. If you have determined that this is a dealbreaker for you, let him know, "If this does not change, if my needs do not become a priority and get met, I will be leaving." Then stick to whatever you ultimately decide and say. 

Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you married before you really got to know eachother.

a snide comment with a smile could be his attemp at flirting with you and you called him ugly.

?????????


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> There is nothing in your post that indicates anything out of the ordinary for someone who loves their dog. Absolutely nothing.
> 
> What I do see however is a woman who doesn't feel loved enough.
> 
> ...


I don't know man....I love my puppy to bits but the open mouth kissing and stuff is just wrong.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

If I have to pick betweeen two *****es, I would rather it be one that can't talk back and loves me unconditionally. 

Sorry I could not resist. Listen I think the dog is the least of your worries. Have a discussion about this with him and if you can't compromise move on. They are called "Man's best friend" for a reason.

Having said this, I have to agree that some of the stuff your husband does with the dog is kinda creepy but I have dumped "cat ladies" and "Dog lovers" before if I see that they use the animal to fill an emotional void in their lives. It's just not healthy.


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