# Separate or not



## don12 (Apr 21, 2012)

My wife and I need to be apart but the house we have we can't afford to not be here together. She leaves for days at a time and doesn't really care we have two small boys that miss her. I am with my kids 24/7 and I love it. She tells me I am bi-polar and I need medication. I am an emotional roller coaster. She doesn't see that I am trying and trying with her but after so long of being told negative things you give up and just don't care. Then a couple days go by and I forget about why I was upset and try to fix things. She is constant with her emotions. There aren't any. That is a big problem with me. I need interaction and there is none. Our sex life and be horrible since our two year old was born. Now we don't even have a sex life. I don't trust her at all. She is always playing around on her phone and she leaves for days at a time. She tells me she is with her friends and don't worry. She doesn't see that her kids need her. She has told me many of times to take them. They will be better off with out her. Our marriage since day one has been one disaster after another. Getting hurt and out of work for over a year, over oldest son having problems at birth, putting out dog down, the kitchen stove having a gas leak and blowing up, filing bankruptcy, being unemployed for very long periods of time, this all happened in the first two years of marriage. Neither of us have family where we live. We are here by ourself. So we have to rely on each other for everything which gets very heated. I love her to death but my councilor tells me I am in love with memories of her. Not in love with her now. He suggests we get divorced and quit wasting each others time. We are always fighting about something. She got physical with me and started pushing and hitting me so I had to call the cops on her. It didn't hurt what she was doing but she has no right to put her hands on me. If I was to push her I would be in jail right now. The past couple days have been nice. We are talking and trying to figure things out. I told her I was going to move out when I start my job next week. I will still help pay the bills and help with the boys but I will have a place to go so we can have our own time. It doesn't have to be for good but just long enough for us to figure things out. She thinks I am going to go start sleeping around. I am a family man and I don't want to see anyone else. I have enough problems in my life I don't need another person causing some issues. I love her and I love my kids and I just want to be a family. We will never be a family because she can't let our past go. Everytime we argue she brings it up. Is anyone going through anything similar. Any advice will help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Don, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. You are describing the behavior of a woman who has the emotional development of a child -- that development likely stopped at about age four. 

If your W has strong traits of a personality disorder -- which is what you seem to be describing -- there is very little chance she will ever have the self awareness and ego strength to improve herself. Although there are excellent treatment programs available, it is rare for a person with a PD to seek therapy and stay in it long enough (several years at least) to make a difference.

As to your question, yes, I had a similar experience for 15 years. I was married to a woman suffering from strong traits of a personality disorder -- BPD in the case of my exW. If you would like to read about it, please check out my discussion in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, Don.


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