# If you could recommend a book....



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

That a wife could give to a husband to help him understand what her needs are, what book would that be?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think it won't be a good idea for you to just give him a book like that even if you find it. He will feel offended and he won't read it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The Five Love Languages. Excellent book.

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Amazon.co.uk: Chapman Gary: Books


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Greenpearl:

I was looking for suggestions since I don't seem to be able to get through to him. I doubt I am alone in the situation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's a reader then?

Maybe write him a letter?

Or is he into psychology? What types of things does he like to read, and what types of things does he 'buy into'?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

That girl:

This is part of the problem. I have a letter but I don't want to say the wrong thing. So,I thought if I could find a book that would reinforce what I've been talking about, so much the better. 

Do you know what nmmng stands for? I was on the men's forum and a someone found this helpful, I just can't decipher the letters!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

greenpearl said:


> I think it won't be a good idea for you to just give him a book like that even if you find it. He will feel offended and he won't read it.


I agree.

Has your husband asked for your help?

For the record I am getting ALL my needs met now and my husband didn't read not one book. All change starts with YOU not your spouse.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

Tango said:


> That a wife could give to a husband to help him understand what her needs are, what book would that be?


After 22 years of marriage and facing an empty nest my wife asked me to read 2 books, "Its (Mostly) His Fault" by Robert Alter, and John Gray's "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom".

We both learned from the books. The two books together gave us a better understanding of each others feelings, emotions, and needs. They worked for us where face to face communication didn't. Eight years later we still discuss what we read. I wish we had been able to read them much earlier in our relationship.

They are both easy to read.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

NNMNG= No more mister nice guy.

I suggest writing a letter.

I can help if you like. I won't judge or share it. But I can help you get it across the right way. I wrote a letter for my H that brought him to tears and this man does NOT cry. Ever.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tango said:


> That a wife could give to a husband to help him understand what her needs are, what book would that be?


I would suggest one of those big picture books where they have a lot of interior scenes and dishes and the menus from a bunch of fancy restaurants


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Chelsea blue:

You understand what I was getting at. I am/will of course read the same books. I am reading HNHN but the chapter on his sexual needs is so far out in left field that I can't relate to that chapter. 

That girl:

I will,seriously consider your offer. I have been drafting a letter over the past 6 weeks or so but I don't want to put something in writing that I can't take back you know? I have given him letters in the past that really put what. I was trying to say into perspective. Sex is a whole new ball of wax to be writing about and I admit I am a bit apprehensive about it. You would think that after being together as long as we have that this would be easy - it's not.

TYH:

Very funny!!

Thank you for the input.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Tango said:


> That a wife could give to a husband to help him understand what her needs are, what book would that be?


I suggest you set aside some time to READ the book together, out loud as a discussion starter. Make it playful, not critical. Give concrete examples vs. abstract.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

For Men Only

For Women Only


I would highly recommend 'For Men Only and For Women Only. H and I read them several years ago. Last Month I came across interviews with the H/W author team (interviews at the links above). The interviews are in addition to the books. H and I listened to them as our daily devotions. Both the books & interviews are full of information to help you both understand what's going on in each others heads and hearts. 

For a funnier side: also look into Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage dvd seminar. He gets the points across to H & W in the form of humor. We learned a lot with them too. Here are a couple links to some examples of what's on the dvds. Hilarious!

Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain - YouTube

Ask More Than Once - YouTube


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What also has worked for us is writing a letter to the other, but then reading it out loud.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> What also has worked for us is writing a letter to the other, but then reading it out loud.



Great idea!!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Tango said:


> That a wife could give to a husband to help him understand what her needs are, what book would that be?


I would recommend two books by two different authors, but the two books complement each other. Read both. The second book (love languages) isn't that long and the first book is very straightforward.

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I used to think that self help books were nonsense, just a marketing tool. That I was too smart for such books. But obviously I'm not as smart as I thought. I found the two books I listed above very helpful. They opened my eyes to things I wasn't aware of.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I've read so many books that have been mentioned here. My wife has never yet opened one of them. One time she saw me reading and ask "what gives"? I just said something was wrong with our marriage and I am trying to fix my part.

She hasn't changed much at all. What has happened is we have more sex when she sees me reading. It's not the romantic affectionate kind. It's more like the duty sex she does to make me happy. She's not really in to it at all.

The book that I am reading now is The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. 

We can't force passion. Sometimes we can try so hard and we get so little in return. Not really worth the effort anymore. I even told my wife that I am bored with the sex with her..... Probably not the best move.

My wife just finished reading 50 SOG. The first 2 books and that hasn't helped at all. I was hopeful!!!!!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I agree.
> 
> Has your husband asked for your help?
> 
> For the record I am getting ALL my needs met now and my husband didn't read not one book. All change starts with YOU not your spouse.



I will agree to this to a point...

Between TAM along with all the books I read, the only change is me. 

I learned to not get upset:

if I massage my wife for 30 minutes and we don't have sex.

if she falls asleep everynight putting our 9 YEAR OLD to bed.

if the only time she will say ILY is if I say it first.

if I always have to initiate a hug.

if I come home early from work and make dinner and do all the dishes and not hear a thank you.

if she did read the love language book (parts of it) and doesn't want to tell me her love language. I have to figure that out on my own I guess.

I can go on and on here....

The only thing I can change is how I respond to her actions or her lack of actions.

The 180 thing has helped But I feel like I am playing a game of poker.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I would suggest one of those big picture books where they have a lot of interior scenes and dishes and the menus from a bunch of fancy restaurants


Pottery Barn or Williams-Sonoma catalogue? 

Yeah, now that you mention it . . . . it would explain a lot.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Tango said:


> That a wife could give to a husband to help him understand what her needs are, what book would that be?


So many to choose from.... the specific issue can change the book recommendation...

This one comes to mind ...

*1*. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs 

If your sex drives don't match ...

*2.* When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 

There are 10 libido types:

1. *Sensual*
2. *Erotic*
3. *Compulsive*
4. *Dependent*
5. *Stressed*
6. *Disinterested*
7. *Detached*
8. *Addictive*
9. *Entitled*
10. *Reactive* 

Can figure out yours here>>>  Identifying your Libido Type 

*3*. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage 

*4. *The Love Dare: 

*5.* And ...of course "The 5 Love Languages "Book already mentioned..


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Seven Principles for Making A Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. Hands down one of the best marriage books I've read. The information is based on actual scientific data. If I had to recommend only one book other than The Five Love Languages, I would recommend the Seven Principles book.


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