# Need some honest mens opinions



## jazzee (Jul 13, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for less than a year. We have been together for 3. He is 26. I have a daughter form a previous marriage and he has been around since she was 1. 
I am 29, 5' 5" 120lbs. I have been told my entire life that I am an attractive woman. My husband has this need for me to be perfect. He puts me down if I miss a workout (i workout 5 days a week and eat extremely healthy) and is more than supportive of me getting a boob job..but we can't afford it right now. This makes me feel horrible about myself. He tells me how unbelievably hot i'm going to be once I get them but never how hot I already am. In fact he NEVER compliments me or makes passes at me. I asked him if he could try to let me know he finds me attractive and he stormed out of the house and showed up at 3 am drunk.
I started a business and immediately made him part owner when we got married. He hangs out, gets on facebook, goes to the comic book store, and answers phones while I make the money( im a hair stylist) and has the nerve to complain about doing anything job related that needs to get done. I never even asked him to come work there. He just looked at it as the perfect opportunity to quit his job and now it's my fault because he is around me too much. He uses this as his reasoning for being a jerk.
He has a horrible temper and weekly will fly off of the handle anytime I mention anything I may want or need out of him as a husband. He says horrible things, attacks my character, my abilities as a mother, and anything else he can think of. When it's all said and done hes never even apologetic. He tells me it's my fault he does those things. Days later he will randomly start crying and tell me how much he loves me and my daughter. 2 days later it's the same crap again. 
He complains about everything. Any real life thing that needs to get done, whether it be business or home related is seriously irritating for him. I used to be really close with my family and he hates any sort of family event or even having dinner. It makes it really hard for me.
He's always on the computer and jumps like a puppy at any chance to hang out away from our family. We just had a friend come over. He poured a beer for himself and our friend (i was sitting right there) never offered me anything. When they finished drinking them our friend said he had to go because he had dinner plans. My husband followed him out the front door and then came back in to tell me he was going to go have dinner and drinks with everyone and would be back later. So, now I'm here with our daughter eating dinner. I will get her ready for bed and do all of the other things he never helps with. 
Am i wrong to find these things problematic. I wasn't raised in a family with a father like that. My husband tells me he just needs to get away. I don't even know what that means. I try to be the best wife possible. I do everything 
i can to take care of him and our house. I take his feelings into consideration at all times. I am understanding even when he is being horrible. How do I fix this man?
We also had an issue with porn. He couldn't even perform in bed because he had been so desensitized from the masochistic things he watched online. He has supposedly stopped watching it. 8 out of 10 times that I initiate sex I will get turned down. He rarely initiates. 
I'm just lost. This is the love of my life. I need some input on how to solve these issues.

Any advice is appreciated


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## Anya (May 22, 2010)

jazzee said:


> I have been married to my husband for less than a year. We have been together for 3. He is 26. I have a daughter form a previous marriage and he has been around since she was 1.
> I am 29, 5' 5" 120lbs. I have been told my entire life that I am an attractive woman. My husband has this need for me to be perfect. He puts me down if I miss a workout (i workout 5 days a week and eat extremely healthy) and is more than supportive of me getting a boob job..but we can't afford it right now. This makes me feel horrible about myself. He tells me how unbelievably hot i'm going to be once I get them but never how hot I already am. In fact he NEVER compliments me or makes passes at me. I asked him if he could try to let me know he finds me attractive and he stormed out of the house and showed up at 3 am drunk.
> I started a business and immediately made him part owner when we got married. He hangs out, gets on facebook, goes to the comic book store, and answers phones while I make the money( im a hair stylist) and has the nerve to complain about doing anything job related that needs to get done. I never even asked him to come work there. He just looked at it as the perfect opportunity to quit his job and now it's my fault because he is around me too much. He uses this as his reasoning for being a jerk.
> He has a horrible temper and weekly will fly off of the handle anytime I mention anything I may want or need out of him as a husband. He says horrible things, attacks my character, my abilities as a mother, and anything else he can think of. When it's all said and done hes never even apologetic. He tells me it's my fault he does those things. Days later he will randomly start crying and tell me how much he loves me and my daughter. 2 days later it's the same crap again.
> ...



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I was gonna say "get a divorce" until you said he's the love of your life.
Set him down and talk to him about how much you want him to change and you are willing to help him on his path towards this. Set goals together. If he is not willing to, then I agree with your dad and just let him go, at least as a separation. If he refuses completely to change, then think about divorce and paperwork for your business and shared goods.
Second, if you are good looking nobody can take that away from you, so don't allow him to say the opposite, and you don't need a boob job. I'm into medical field and trust me, it is dangerous, your body can react to any foreign material and cause infection or tissue damage. Also, any incision, the body will take it as an injury and react to it, so please don't do it. I'm size A34, 5'3 and 120lbs and I woulld never do anything to my body in order to manipulate my nature.
Also at his point I want you to think, your kid is not his kid, so even though he is married to you, he doesn't have to be responsible for the kid, but you. Of course his help wpuld very much appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

He’s 26! Why on earth do you need a spoilt, obnoxious loads to learn 13 year old in your life? He wants you to have a boob job? Unbelievable. Find a man that loves you for who you are, not a man who wants you to change into what he wants.

Bob


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

YouTube - Fleetwood Mac - Little Lies With Lyrics



hmmm, music may say it best. not only here but many many complaint posters as well as the "he/she never....." yada-yada


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

From a man's perspective - leave him. You deserve better.


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## lillyr (Jul 13, 2010)

Good on you, men! From a woman's perspective also, you should leave him. Don't be afraid. You will find better, please read some self esteem books and be careful about who you fall for next time. I know how hard it is (from experience) to wait for the right person and cope with everything on your own, but you seem to be a very capable young woman and you need loving support, not an unpleasant weight tied around you ankle.

All the best


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## jazzee (Jul 13, 2010)

Thank You to everyone who responded..but I was really hoping for some optimistic answers or a mans perspective on why he would behave this way. 
I don't want to leave him. I want to fix things. I know a lot of it is immaturity on his part. He is 26. In the business he feels as if hes working for me and I'm sure it hurts his ego and makes him resent me a bit. He's extremely prideful. We have just hit an extremely rough year. We are both stressed about the business. It hasn't been the easiest venture. When he's good..he's really good. He can be the sweetest man on earth. We have had tons of great times. I also can't bare to put my daughter through a ringer of men. He has been the main father figure in her life since she was 1 1/2. She loves him so much. We both do. 
I would really love some honest insight from someone who possibly previously did the same things. I'm just trying to figure out where his head is at.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

less than a yr marr'd..........good luck folks.

besides, shouldnt u still be in "honeymoon" phase?


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

What you wrote doesn't sound like a very good start to a marriage. I wonder what he would think if he read your post? What do you think his reaction would be?


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

jazzee said:


> Thank You to everyone who responded..but I was really hoping for some optimistic answers or a mans perspective on why he would behave this way.
> I don't want to leave him. I want to fix things. I know a lot of it is immaturity on his part. He is 26. In the business he feels as if hes working for me and I'm sure it hurts his ego and makes him resent me a bit. He's extremely prideful. We have just hit an extremely rough year. We are both stressed about the business. It hasn't been the easiest venture. When he's good..he's really good. He can be the sweetest man on earth. We have had tons of great times. I also can't bare to put my daughter through a ringer of men. He has been the main father figure in her life since she was 1 1/2. She loves him so much. We both do.
> I would really love some honest insight from someone who possibly previously did the same things. I'm just trying to figure out where his head is at.


I think that most men would agree that you deserve better, certainly from a womans perspective you do. I have been married 25 yrs and we have our issues for sure but the first 5 yrs were wonderful. Keep in mind what your daughter is learning while she watches you in this relationship and if you want her to find someone like this man? or better?? that's your answer. Good luck.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am not trying to be mean. And this is not really intended soley for the OP. I see this all the time.

People marry someone then want them to change. If that person is not the person you wanted, why did you marry him or her?

OP your husband is a petulant child, albeit probably a charming petulant child. If you did not want to be married to a petulant child, why did you marry one? Marriage is difficult enough when you marry someone whose values and outlook are shared with yours. 

He wants you to be "hot?" What happens after the kids? When you have stretch marks or belly skin. Can you afford a tuck? Will he love you if you can't get a tuck? What happens when you get depression and meds and your depression keep you from being able to work out and stay slim? 

I am not saying he WONT change for you. He may. But I will never understand why people marry people with large looming character flaws then expect them to change who they are.

But maybe that is just me.

S


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's ok to feel as though you made a mistake, or to at least feel like he ought to go get a different job.

The thing about the boob job. Is he pestering you all the time about it? Was it his idea? Did you ever bring it up in conversation?

Or was it a passing idiotic comment made once?

It is clear that at the very least you want him out of your hair cutting business. It doesn't work for you to have him around so much. And you are disappointed that he is not very ambitious.

Boozin' it up too? That is a huge problem.

The thing is, why did you marry him? What was it that made you do this? Can those feelings be retrieved? If so, how?

If not? You need to end this marriage.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

in the interest of being thorough: 

I am not judging or trying to place blame.Before i agree with the others to "dump the bum" which i am inclinde to advise..please answer: 

Why is he the love of your life? 

Was he always this way? 

How does he treat family 

Does he have friends that he has had for a while (do you think he is a jerk to them as well) 

Is he an only child of have only siblings that are considerably older or younger than him(some of these types of people are pathetically bad at being the slightest bit empathetic)

Do you typically gravitate toward people who mistreat you? 

I am not a big believer in giving people a second chance that don't deserve this. At the end running for the hills will likely be a viable solution but, it would be good to know about these things.


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## jazzee (Jul 13, 2010)

tjohnson..

He has always been slightly selfish...which I can deal with. We share so many interest, have great times together, and (except for recently) really enjoy each others company. He really was my best friend.
We had some issues with his temper and ego early on. He really can't stand to ever be told what to do. That includes me making any sort of request within our relationship as well. 
His family is not very close. They would like to think they are but he speaks to his mother maybe 1 time every 2 months and we live in the same city. He has an older sister who is 8 yrs older and had been estranged from the family since she was 17. She is now 33. So, I guess you could say he was mostly an only child. His parents are also very hard people. 
He has tons of superficial friends. When I first met him he had 2 really good friends that were some of the most egotistical and morally thin people I had ever met. He was totally the "life of the party" guy. In the last few years he has settled down. He doesn't talk to them anymore.

I don't typically gravitate towards people who mistreat me. I always tended to be the dominating one in all of my relationships. 

I know he has been a bit depressed because he started to look for jobs and hasn't been able to get hired. I really do feel like he feels like less of a man because I make the money. He's very prideful... to a fault. I'm certain us fighting every 3 seconds doesn't help. 
I think he's just having a mini crisis and wants to run from everything. It's just hurtful that he doesn't seem to care that his actions affect others.


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## jazzee (Jul 13, 2010)

he would fly off the handle if he read that post.


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## LadyinRed (Nov 19, 2010)

You should read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder..good luck!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jazzee said:


> he would fly off the handle if he read that post.


And you are afraid if his reactions.

A very bad sign.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

for any woman who finds herself in this situation ask yourself if your daughter was in that situation what would you tell her to do . the answer will of course be why are you still with that bum . you need to leave him . you deserve better than that . 

your entire post was complaint after complaint after complaint about the things he does and the way he treats you . then you asked how do you fix him ....... you need to fix you . you sit back and do nothing and then complain about what he does . 
why should he ever even think about changing he is happy with his life . you are the one complaining . 

and as far as him telling you that you look pretty . next time you go out the door try taking notice to the guys who flirt with you and stare at you and hit on you . you get told your look great every day and it doesnt make you feel pretty . one guy tells you how he thinks you would look better with fake boobs and it makes you feel ugly . you definitely need to stop complaining about how he is and look at how you are . either that or keep letting a guy that you want to fix keep breaking you .


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Your husband is not a little bit selfish, your husband is REALLY selfish. He makes me sick the way he treats you...its very disturbing to me. He is the type of guy I would like to punch, if I saw him treating you poorly. He has no respect for any woman. I know his type backwards and forwards. All he cares about in this world is himself. I'll bet he throws out lines that make you feel small, insecure, fat, ugly, etc. etc. He is always tearing down and never building up. He always looks for the fault in things, especially you. He never has anything nice to say, unless it is about him. He is rude, deceptive, manipulative, disgusting, belligerent, perverted, and probably a liar.

Okay, I am done. Now unlike others, I am not one of those guys who says go the divorce route. I believe marriage is a commitment for life, despite your circumstances, and how feelings have change, and if the love has gone away. Marriage is for life! I am glad to hear you look for the positive in him...that is very admirable of you.

So why is your husband the way he is? He has lost his way...his identity. He is a wanderer. He doesn't know what he should be doing and how to go about doing it. He has too much time on his hands. The idle brain is the devil's playground! Your husband is delving into bachelorhood again and every sinful practice he can think of. Dear wife, you have seen nothing yet, if he should continue down this route. With his porn addiction, he will soon be having an affair. I really don't say that to be mean or to get your worried, but if he can't say no to a picture or image, how can he say no to the real thing, once it presents itself. Think about that? Your husband's actions are affecting your marriage and it needs to be STOPPED!

And I know getting through to your husband is going to be like pulling teeth. He has no right to treat you the way he has been treating you. No right at all. He needs to hold you in high esteem and treat you like your are the most precious gift he has ever received. He needs to treat you with dignity, respect, and honor. He needs to see you as priceless creation hand-given to you by God Himself. He takes you for granted! He takes you very much for granted! He needs a wake up call! He needs to know that it takes two to make a marriage work and right now, he is not fulfilling his side of the marriage. If you guys can get in to see a counselor, do it!

Your husband needs a good kicking...a dose of reality. I once counseled a friend with some hard facts and remember telling him to his face (with his wife there), "Your wife wants to leave you." Boy did that break him down really fast and made him think long and hard about the life he was living and how he was treating his wife so poorly.

To answer your question about why your husband does what he is doing...he has lost his way. He has lost direction in life. He has no purpose and meaning. He has forgotten who he is (now I am sounding like the Lion King). And instead of getting back up and going after duty, honor, and manhood, he enjoys the warmth of the fire and indulges in everything and anything, not caring about the ones he is hurting. The fire is consuming him and burning away at his very core. Your husband lacks motivation, desire, will. He may be borderline suicidal. I would venture to say that he does not like who he is. No one to blame but himself. But he is responsible for his own actions. And as much as he is responsible for being where he is at, is as much his responsibility to get back up on his feet again and put action into motion. There can be no more cop-outs or excuses.

If there is a pastor or church he can go, I would encourage that way. If you he is not religious, then maybe you guys can find marriage counseling somewhere. Best of luck to you. I hope I brought some light to what you were looking for.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Unfortunately you are married to King Baby. If you dont find a way to talk to him, through a counselor perhaps, your marriage is not going to be happy. I am seriously concerned about the "masochistic porn" you refer to.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Imagine what you posted was posted by someone else and re-read it...what would you think? 

He's behaving the way he is because you allow him to. He's in no position to be belittling you and he knows it. He tries to compensate by intimidating you. 

My first piece of advice is to fire him. It doesn't sound like he's contributing to your business in any way anyhow. I'm sure the extra income he could bring in if he got himself a real job would be helpful not to mention the impact on his self esteem. 

Secondly, I would tell him if you're not good enough for him he should leave...and let him. My guess is he knows he's done well for himself by marrying you but is afraid to let you know for fear you'll figure it out too. Call his bluff. 

The longer you allow him to mistreat you the more ingrained it will become and the more resentful you will become.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

jazzee said:


> I have been married to my husband for less than a year. We have been together for 3. He is 26. I have a daughter form a previous marriage and he has been around since she was 1.
> I am 29, 5' 5" 120lbs. I have been told my entire life that I am an attractive woman. My husband has this need for me to be perfect. So I am correct to assume he is 6'2" weighs 210, has a 6 pack, and I can see every single muscle in his body flex when he uses it? And I assume he never misses his workouts correct? He puts me down if I miss a workout (i workout 5 days a week and eat extremely healthy) and is more than supportive of me getting a boob job..but we can't afford it right now. Uh...not even going to touch that one This makes me feel horrible about myself. He tells me how unbelievably hot i'm going to be once I get them but never how hot I already am. In fact he NEVER compliments me or makes passes at me. Uh...Does he have a problem with getting aroused? He shouldn't need fake boobs to get aroused. I asked him if he could try to let me know he finds me attractive and he stormed out of the house and showed up at 3 am drunk. Uh...there are a lot of problems there
> I started a business and immediately made him part owner when we got married. He hangs out, gets on facebook, goes to the comic book store, and answers phones while I make the money( im a hair stylist) and has the nerve to complain about doing anything job related that needs to get done. I never even asked him to come work there. He just looked at it as the perfect opportunity to quit his job and now it's my fault because he is around me too much. He uses this as his reasoning for being a jerk. What a great work ethic. Nothing the marines can't fix with lots of manual labor and yelling.
> He has a horrible temper and weekly will fly off of the handle anytime I mention anything I may want or need out of him as a husband. Uh...big red flag. He says horrible things, attacks my character, my abilities as a mother, and anything else he can think of. When it's all said and done hes never even apologetic. He tells me it's my fault he does those things. Days later he will randomly start crying and tell me how much he loves me and my daughter. 2 days later it's the same crap again. Uh...bipolar?
> ...


Uh...First:
Counseling. 

For him:
How to not be a giant pr1ck to my wife, but instead a husband and role model to the child. 
How to not complain about everything. 
How to know reasonable boundaries, and how to have a work ethic. 

For you:
How to stand up for yourself and not be a door mat. 
And maybe, might I suggest, refining your taste in men.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

stoney, resurrecting zombie threads again? The OP hasn't checked back in over two years.


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## Iwant2know (Dec 19, 2012)

Wow!! Sounds like you are the total package as far as a woman goes. I don't think any man could ask for anything more based on your description of yourself. If all you said is true about you and him, I think you suffer from a poor self esteem and you are his doormat. I am a very demanding husband myself, but my wife lets me know rather quickly when I am being too pushy and I love that about her. See, when a woman has self value, demands respect, and rejects irrational behavior from her husband, it will make him love and appreciate her even more. If I had to guess, he has always been this way and deep down you feel like you don't deserve much better than you are getting and that is why you bend over backwards for him. Your are the problem here. He needs to be giving as much to you as you are to him. Can you imagine that? Would that be a great marriage. Sounds like all give and no take. Fix you before you try to fix your husband.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

jazzee said:


> I'm just lost. This is the love of my life. I need some input on how to solve these issues.
> 
> Any advice is appreciated


I have NO IDEA how he could be the "love of your life". I could understand "attraction", or "lust", but not love. 

How do you love someone so incomprehensibly self centered? He's not loving you, for sure. You may, and he definitely does need to learn to understand what love actually is, and what a real relationship is. 

DO NOT get a boob job, unless for some reason, you think you are incomplete without it. Definitely do NOT do it for him. 

He needs to love YOU, not simply feed his fantasies. And yes, some maturity will help him a whole bunch.


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## steve_m (Dec 5, 2012)

Seek counseling for porn addiction (for him not you). That is about 80% of the battle for your relationship.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Yes, from a man's perspective, you should leave him. You still initiate sex with him??? Wow. Just. Wow. Life sure is funny.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> stoney, resurrecting zombie threads again? The OP hasn't checked back in over two years.


he's always resurrecting them around the anniversary of their original date... trying to catch people not paying attention? Plus how often does he comment on current threads??hmm??


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## torntrowser (Dec 31, 2012)

Jazzee - - my heart aches for you and everyone else living within a version of marriage that's counter to the blueprint. Marriage is NOT designed to have my needs met. I'm charged with loving appropriately - - with excellence. Simple in theory, but difficult for those of us who aren't in the habit of thinking 'otherly' first. (I learned this the hard way) Most of us guys are batting about 180 when it comes to loving appropriately. When we do the work to 'find out' how our brides need to be loved - - and then reach into our loving tool belt to love accordingly, our loving average goes up. That's the blueprint. It's also very learnable, but is best learned through modeling. Your guy, like most guys, needs to see it lived out from someone who 'gets it.' Christ is the ultimate model, and a healthy local place of worship should have a few excellent candidate mentors. Of course, the same thing goes for women, but in my experience, guys typically have more room to grow. To the degree couples try to operate outside of the blueprint - - there will be structural strife. If your guy isn't interested in learning and growing, find someone who is.


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