# Is it a good or bad idea to let my younger daughter visit her mother in jail?



## 3500 (Aug 20, 2013)

My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is in jail for six months for forgery charges. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment.. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything.


I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because I don't think my daughter to be exposed to a prison environment. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image

My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she said it is kind of cool that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it


If I do allow her what should I tell her in advance to prepare her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should let your daughter visit her mother. It will be good for both of them. It will also help your daughter learn the reality of what happens when a person commits a crime.

If her mom was an all around bad person I'd say no. But teaching your daughter that her mom did something wrong and will pay her dues for it is a good lesson for a child to learn. Let her see what losing things that she takes for granted means.

Usually the visiting rooms are ok... cold (not inviting) but I'm sure she can deal with it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Have you asked your wife if SHE wants your daughter to visit? She may have strong feelings one way or another:

* absolutely dying to see daughter
* would rather die than let daughter see her in prison

If you decide to go ahead with the visit, I don't think you need to tell her anything other than what to expect (it will take x hours to drive there, we'll go through a security procedure, we'll have approx. X time to visit with mom, you can/cannot bring her anything, you will/won't be allowed to touch her or kiss/hug her, etc.) There really isn't any need to talk about anything else UNLESS your daughter brings it up. She's seen tv, she knows what prison is. 

Give her the facts about visitation and tell her, "If you have any questions/concerns or want to talk about how you're feeling...excited, nervous, whatever...I'm here for you, honey!"


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## 3500 (Aug 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You should let your daughter visit her mother. It will be good for both of them. It will also help your daughter learn the reality of what happens when a person commits a crime.
> 
> If her mom was an all around bad person I'd say no. But teaching your daughter that her mom did something wrong and will pay her dues for it is a good lesson for a child to learn. Let her see what losing things that she takes for granted means.
> 
> Usually the visiting rooms are ok... cold (not inviting) but I'm sure she can deal with it.


what can they talk about during this time? Should my daughter ask her mother about how she is living there? I feel like I need to frame this


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3500 said:


> what can they talk about during this time? Should my daughter ask her mother about how she is living there? I feel like I need to frame this


Her mother will have a lot of questions for her as I'm sure her mother will miss her. Yes she can ask her mother about how she's doing, what life is like there, etc.

You are over thinking this. they will have plenty to talk about. 

Do find out what you and your daughter can bring. Usually it's nothing. You have to leave everything in your car or in lockers before you go in to visit.

Have you considered having your children write their mother? How about phone calls?


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## 3500 (Aug 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Her mother will have a lot of questions for her as I'm sure her mother will miss her. Yes she can ask her mother about how she's doing, what life is like there, etc.
> 
> You are over thinking this. they will have plenty to talk about.
> 
> ...


of course she will talk on the phone and write if she wants to. 


my daughter seems interested in seeing the inside and asking what it is like, but maybe it is better not to know those things


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3500 said:


> of course she will talk on the phone and write if she wants to.
> 
> 
> my daughter seems interested in seeing the inside and asking what it is like, but maybe it is better not to know those things


I think that you are trying to over protect your daughter. This is her real life. Her real life mother is in jail. So let her go and visit her. Your daughter will learn a valuable less.... prison/jail is not a fun place to be. She wants to avoid it at all costs.


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## 3500 (Aug 20, 2013)

you're right it can be a good lesson. It was more the environment and seeing her mother there that I thought could be unnerving


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Is this your thread on another forum?

Should my daughter visit her mother in jail? - LoveShack.org Community Forums

I swear I've seen this around here too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've seen this same topic here before as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's a lot easier for most people to deal with reality and not the terrible things they imagine. 

I think it would be good for your daughter to see reality in this situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3500 said:


> you're right it can be a good lesson. It was more the environment and seeing her mother there that I thought could be unnerving


What about the environment has you concerned? Have you visited her mother in jail yet?


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## HopeAlways (Apr 29, 2012)

would say to take your daughter to see her mother. You say she is 14, and kids that age know and are able to cope with a lot more then you would think, and the unknown of not seeing her mother might be worse in the long run. The imagination is a powerful thing, and having an idea of the reality might make it easier to be able to think of her mother staying there for a few months.

Some prisons have someone on staff you can talk to who can give you advice on how to prep a kid for a first visit.

My MIL spent time in jail for embezzling from her employer (a bank of all things). While my now Ex, and his brother were older at the time (18 and 21) they were glad to have the chance to see their mother,and show their support to her while she was serving her time.

I was allowed to visit one time as well as I had been part of the family for 2 years, and was engaged to my Ex, but I didn't push for more visits as they were limited, and we wanted the kids and her husband to have as many chances as they could.

The experience was a little surreal, but not like you would see on TV or in a movie. We weren't frisked or anything. Our ID was checked, There was a metal detector we went through, and had to leave our possessions in a locker, but no big deal. Usually you are given an appointment time, and only get X amount of time, so waiting isn't really an issue.

We weren't able to book a family visit that day, so it was one of the booths with the plate glass and the two way phones, but it was private at least. 

But seeing her was so much better then not seeing her. It would have been harder when she came home I think if we hadn't been able to do that. Its still awkward and weird when they come home because noone knows what to say for awhile, but it was easier for not having been the full time without seeing her.

Is your wife able to make phone calls? I know that my MIL was able to call collect from a payphone there. Maybe have her call and talk to your daughter, and then see how your daughter feels about visiting.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree she should be able to visit. She should see her mother and if she made a mistake she should still be able to see her daughter. I have been to jails and they are generally not too scary.


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## 3500 (Aug 20, 2013)

I am considering a visit, sticking to phone calls right now. 



I hear it is a good opportunity you have to show daughter what a jail is like and what happens when you break the law. True, but that doesn't that usually work better when seeing someone their own age get in trouble in like a juvenile detention place?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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