# My world completely ended, needing guidance



## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

I have been searching on this forum for about a month. Since then I have discovered the awful truth about my W's A. I would like to say thank you for taking the time to read my problems in my life along with others on this forum as well. I feel terrible, nervous, and empty inside. But, here we go!

My wife and I have been together for 9 years, and married for 4 years. Together we have 2 beautiful girls, our oldest is 6 years and our baby is 2 years old. My wife has been the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me. She has put up with a lot of our arguments, my negativity, talking back, my disrespect, and calling her a b***h when we get into heated arguments. In those events she would be the bigger person and grab my hand and tell me “I love you, I don't want to fight with you. I'm sorry" she would then give me a kiss and I would give in and tell her I’m sorry in return. I have been a faithful husband throughout our relationship and marriage. I have always told her the absolute truth, even though the truth might get me into an argument or disagreement. She has loved me throughout our time together and I can understand when a spouse can only take so much. 

At the end of January, I took on more hours at work. I was extremely exhausted every time I came home; she was the last thing I wanted to deal with. She would want to watch T.V, talk, hangout, be intimate as well. But complained every time, in which I myself didn't want to deal with. That same night I came home I slept in our bed, she slept in our oldest child's bed and she text me that she loves me and she misses us. She said she didn't know what was happening to us lately and that she loves me. I read it and didn't text her back... 

My wife and oldest child are in girl scouts; my wife is the leader of my daughter’s troop. In the beginning of February, the cookies sales were on for these innocent girls to sell as many cookies as they could. My wife would then be running around delivery cookies, picking up cookies, and made it her primary focus. She would go to school, work at the college part time, and focus on girl scouts. She also mentioned during that month she would go to a "college trip" to visit different universities, a Friday-Sunday trip. She would almost never be home, or would come home very late. At times, she said she needed to go to certain cities to pick up cookies and her "friend" would help her load tons of cookie boxes since he has a truck. During the week, I thought I would be the stubborn husband again waiting for her to say sorry so we could make up...It didn't happen. I felt her distant and noticed that she would stay the night at her grandmother’s house because she would have to wake up early for school and be on time Monday-Thursday. In the middle of that same month, she came home and I didn't make contact with her for about 1 solid week. I would text her "I love you, Good night" almost every single night. She came home and was extremely flirty, in which I gave in. We went upstairs and had what I thought was makeup sex. After we were done, she still felt distant and I fell for it thinking everything was fine. Yet, again towards the end of the month I was in the same position.

Until at the end of February, I came home late at night from a hard day’s work. I come home to find the computer on with a flash drive plugged in. I found pictures of the friend and her at a baseball game, and one of my kids and wife at the beach with him not in the picture. My heart dropped to the ground and I called her... She told me that he was just a friend that she knew even before me. She stated she knew the "friend" back in middle school that he would know all about our relationship problems we've ever had and is a good friend. For some reason it all started to make sense, but because I loved her I kept the blind fold on. Ever since, I've noticed she would be very protective of her phone and had put a passcode on her iPhone. I also noticed her taking pictures of herself of random poses or just a couple of face shots of her smiling. I thought that was weird since I didn't get any of them like I usually do.

In March, things got really tough on me. I confronted her about the "friend" and she made me feel ridiculous to even think she would be dating him or seeing him other than just being a "good friend". I came home at 2:30 in the morning; as I walk in my heart just drops and tells me get her phone. I never look through her phone, emails, call log, or anything because I have complete trust in her and she does for me. I went upstairs and quietly took her phone and spent 3 hours breaking into it. I finally broke into the phone and my dear friend s on this forum, I was numb, nervous, broken, and in shock to read all the text messages sent to each other, pictures of them together, the trips they took during the "college visit", the white hotel bedroom with the heart shaped red flowers on the bed. Although there weren't any nude or revealing pictures, there was some where she took a picture of her cleavage and blew him kisses.

I learned that on Valentine’s Day she was with him and got him a gift. As I read those messages they sent to each other, I read that they had sex with each other unprotected with really graphic text, kissed every time they saw each other and at times spent the night together, you can imagine what they did when she stayed the night. She also said in the messages that she was happy to have been in contact through email with him since she was unhappy with our marriage. That she always loved him, even after 2 children with me together. I confronted her that same night and respectfully asked to explain herself about all the events that took place. She simply smirked and acted like it didn't even affect her, I would have thought she would beg and pleaded and say sorry... she didn't. I was on my knees begging her to tell me if she loved him and to tell me the absolute truth in those messages. She told me after 3 hours of trying to talk to her, that I was reading into those messages more than what they are. She confessed that she had sex with him "once" before we were married when we had a major breakup or time apart if you will. She partly owned up to the sexual messages sent to each other, stating that they kissed, and played around but she "pulled away" and couldn't go through it… Which I know it’s BS. 

That same morning I told her that I forgive her and that I would want us to work for our marriage and for the kids’ sake. She told me she's just not interested at the moment in repairing anything. I asked if a "D" was what she was looking for, she reluctantly after a couple attempts said yes. I gave up and said I love you enough to set you free, and realized I cannot force someone to be in love with me or stay with me. I lost and felt the world drop on me, I told her this. I told her that I would stop trying to chase her and that I would pull out completely after I handed her the keys to the car for her to leave.

I accept defeat for the first time. As she left for school with my kids to have them be dropped off at her grandmother’s house. I stood at home thinking where I went wrong, I then switched majority of my passwords, and contacted my bank and got another savings account by myself. I transferred all the money and left our account dry. Shortly after, she calls me furiously demanding for me to put the money back into the account. I politely refused and told her I didn’t want to fight, I was looking out for my best interest and that I was sorry. She was crying furiously and said “I’m going to make your life hell”. I didn’t care, I was numb already. She ditched school to surprisingly meet me at the house and talk about the situation. I told her that I got the closure that I needed and that she wasn’t meant for me. She started crying as I followed her upstairs and consoled her. I felt terribly bad; I asked why are you crying? She stated that she knows I’m a good man and that I’ll be a good man to another woman one day and not to her. I fell for the trap and I gave in once again. We were fine all night and the next day, but I couldn’t get those burned images and text messages out of my mind. Every time I held her I thought of the picture of them and so forth. 

My wife told me two days after I tried to turn my leaf over. She said that I was “smothering” her, and “needed her space”. “That things just can’t go back to the way they were, it takes time” she said. I was upset because her “friend” was also on her mind and not just me. I disliked the fact that she has to take time to realize what she really loves. I laid with her one night and asked if she is still talking to her “friend” she said “he text me how I was doing, and I said that I was fine”. She told me “do you want me to stop talking to him? I will do that for you.” I was upset to know that she couldn’t take it upon herself to make that decision instead of me telling her. So I stopped talking to my wife for 3 complete days and I knew she told me from before that she was going to take the kids to the beach. I just found out that this past Friday she went to the beach with her “friend”. I told her this morning that I read through all the messages again and convinced myself that I cannot compete the love you have for your so called “friend”, that I’m willing to let you go because I cannot win my wife or her love back. She left for church this morning by herself, which I doubt she did. She then blew up my phone stating to put back the money into the account or else she would call the police for me giving her bruises?? And that she spoke to an attorney about the money transfers. Scare tactics I would assume. 

I text her back and I was upset. I told her that I forgive her and that I don’t hold a grudge against her in any way. I told her wanted to be in good terms for the sake of my children and not interested in fighting, I told her I’m ready to sign and comply with her demands. I told her that I never disrespected our marriage, or relationship, and have always been the provider to our family. I bought her a brand new home, cars, and everything that a woman would be happy for, I also gave her my love as well. I then told her that I’ve lost and accept defeat, but win in the end. I’m hopeful that I will find true love again and make my new wife as happy as can be.

I love my wife deeply, but she shows signs of confusion. I agree that time apart would be beneficial for her to know what she wants, but wants to spend the money in the account, drive our leased vehicle all over the place, and act like nothing ever happened in front of the kids. She would like to bake the cake and eat it too would be the expression. I need help and don’t know what to do, I have no one that I can talk to that can relate and understand. I would like to know if I should pull the trigger and file for “D” and hope she changes her ways or if it’s a tainted marriage. I know she is still in love with me, but has decided to get a feel for something else, especially when some other guy tells a woman the right things in her ear, when the couple is having problems. All help would be appreciated. Thank you


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Her actions show she has no respect for you and your marriage. Her mindset may be that she has husband that will forgive her and beg her to stay with him after she screws another man.

I would suggest:
1. get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer to understand your options.
3. Do not allow yourself to become Plan B for her.
4. Do not allow yourself to be a doormat.

Unfortunately the actions of your wife show that she does not have any respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

1. Can you get over it? 

2. If you can, and want your marriage you have to prevent the affair from continuing, you financing her "independce" is only facilitating it continuing.

3. If you get past one and two, get counseling, realize you aren't entitled to be a **** or neglectful, nothing ever justifies infidelity, but if you don't meet your wife's emotional needs she will (she did) eventually take them somewhere else.(Not being hard on you but sounds like you put up a hostile front before the affair)


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

bryanp said:


> No consequences to her actions equals no motivation. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Her actions show she has no respect for you and your marriage. Her mindset may be that she has husband that will forgive her and beg her to stay with him after she screws another man.
> 
> I would suggest:
> 1. get tested for STD's
> ...



I understand what your saying. Being tested for STD's is another action I'm planning to take. I forgot to mention that she went to the doctor after they had unprotected sex and the doctor mention HPV she stated in the text messages to the "friend". She then was furious with her friend and asked how many partners he's been with, and now has me worried after the 2 "make up sex" times I had with her. 

I will look into getting a lawyer and protecting myself. This is all foreign to me and don't know where to start. Thank you for your advice, I'm truly grateful


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> 1. Can you get over it?
> 
> 2. If you can, and want your marriage you have to prevent the affair from continuing, you financing her "independce" is only facilitating it continuing.
> 
> 3. If you get past one and two, get counseling, realize you aren't entitled to be a **** or neglectful, nothing ever justifies infidelity, but if you don't meet your wife's emotional needs she will (she did) eventually take them somewhere else.(Not being hard on you but sounds like you put up a hostile front before the affair)



Responses:

1). If your asking if I can get over the affair... yes and no. If she is sincerely honest and remorseful, with a little bit of hard work on both ends and time...I can. But at the same time, I have devoted all my strength, time, and heart to this woman that everywhere I go she's a constant reminder, unfortunately.

2). Thank you for supporting me on that judgment call. I thought I was a complete a**hole by doing such a thing. She even threw it back at me and said that "I don't realize what I'm doing to my kids". How that makes sense, I don't know. but I felt that she got a "pucker factor" because I wont "finance her independence" 

3). Your absolutely right and completely understand. Unfortunately, it took this much for me to realize what a fool I've been to drive my wife away.

I'm just afraid to file for "D" to be honest. I don't know how to start, what to do, and stressed out. I don't know if I give her time needed would be the right call.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Slow down then , if you find yourself scrambling stop. I notice when ever she asks you take an action or make a decision you close up.

"Do you want me to stop talking to him?"

You should have said yes I do it's offensive, and your focus can't be on him and me.

Stop thinking you can do nothing and your situation will improve!



Don't make any threats that you won't follow through with. I think Waywards are in a place of crazy following D-Day and likely for a while there-after. Don't expect a lot of well reasoned rational thought and choices.

Shut the affair down now. Have you disclosed to her family? Who is the other man is he married?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Well, you could speak to a lawyer to see were you stand in your state.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

evolution said:


> She has put up with a lot of our arguments, my negativity, talking back, my disrespect, and calling her a b***h when we get into heated arguments.
> 
> I was extremely exhausted every time I came home; she was the last thing I wanted to deal with. She would want to watch T.V, talk, hangout, be intimate as well. But complained every time, in which I myself didn't want to deal with. That same night I came home I slept in our bed, she slept in our oldest child's bed and she text me that she loves me and she misses us. She said she didn't know what was happening to us lately and that she loves me. I read it and didn't text her back...


When I read this, it hits so close to home. If I had a dollar for every time my husband called me a fat b!tch, disrespected me, and ignored me.........I would be a rich person. I was a good wife and waited, hoping he would change and give me attention and it never happened. Your wife reached out to you and you did not even take the time to respond to her text. It was her cry for help. I know what that feels like. I have been dealing with it for 5 months. I really wish people would think twice before they decide a person's words are not worth responding to. It hurts worse than being cursed at and called a b1tch.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Also wear a recorder EVERYTIME you speak to her.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> Slow down then , if you find yourself scrambling stop. I notice when ever she asks you take an action or make a decision you close up.
> 
> "Do you want me to stop talking to him?"
> 
> ...



Trying to shut the affair down, seems like an easy question but to be honest I don't know how to. I have cut off and transferred the savings and the money in the checking, and don't plan to return it. I feel like I am handcuffed and cant do anything. Last night we were both home trying to fix the tv with her sister and she spent some time on her phone. really protective which made me think she is still talking to her "friend" 

I have disclosed the affair to the grandmother and my brother in law. she has introduced the friend to my sister In law and has helped my mother in law move some things to storage. its all jacked up.

Her family is doesn't want to get into the middle of things, and told me that I was a good man but to move on, in simple terms.

the "friend" my wife is currently seeing is not married, no kids, and active in the city co-ed baseball team which he has my wife join to play with him.

I appreciate your input


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Wow, it sounds like the in-laws have him a place set at the dinner table. :wtf:


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

If you have told your wife, continued contact with this man is intolerable, (I mean you flat out told her it has to stop not implied it or assumed she understood), and she has persisted then you may have to file.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> When I read this, it hits so close to home. If I had a dollar for every time my husband called me a fat b!tch, disrespected me, and ignored me.........I would be a rich person. I was a good wife and waited, hoping he would change and give me attention and it never happened. Your wife reached out to you and you did not even take the time to respond to her text. It was her cry for help. I know what that feels like. I have been dealing with it for 5 months. I really wish people would think twice before they decide a person's words are not worth responding to. It hurts worse than being cursed at and called a b1tch.


I can understand where you are coming from now. I apologize to you, cause I can only imagine how you feel too. I've learned in any relationship, at times a person just needs a little break and piece at mind. something similar to "shutting the world off" for a little bit because of stress; problems at work/life; and so forth. I guess it happened to be at the wrong time for me.

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it very much.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Post the OM on cheaterville. He's a scumbag who goes after married women.


I hope you've held strong on the no money for her. I'd also be cutting off the cell phone she uses to contact him.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Post the OM on cheaterville. He's a scumbag who goes after married women.
> 
> 
> I hope you've held strong on the no money for her. I'd also be cutting off the cell phone she uses to contact him.



I agree posting him and putting him on blast, very disrespectful. I will stay firm about the no money, and I plan to change everything and cut her off from everything. as far as her cell phone does, luckily our contract ends in 1 months time, then ill be cutting that off real quick.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

I'd see a lawyer sooner than later too, like someone mentioned above.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> If you have told your wife, continued contact with this man is intolerable, (I mean you flat out told her it has to stop not implied it or assumed she understood), and she has persisted then you may have to file.


Even today I asked her if she continues to talk to him, and she says yes. "But I'll stop talking to him because you want me too" it got under my skin, that I told her that "I assumed you would drop him and know what's at risk, what more important to you"
that's when she said I was "smothering" her and making her feel "claustrophobic". What would you do if you were me?

thank you for the advice and support


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Holy Smokes. She thinks she can continue to have contact with him and claims your are smothering her? This calls for drastic action. I would suggest serving her with divorce papers. It does not mean that you will necessarily divorce but this should shock her out of her fog. If not then this will tell you a great deal and save yourself a lot of wasted energy. Any contact with the OM should be an automatic deal breaker for you. Good luck.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

She's testing you to see what crap you will put up with.

Saying what you want and expect is fundamental to functional relationships.

Tell her.

Do you think you are dealing with someone who is acting rationally?

That line of reasonsing is not going to help you, it hasn't thus far. Don't assume anything, or assume she assumes anything. Speak plainly and concretely. 

Off course she feels claustrophobic she's having to deal with the consequences instead of enjoying her fantasy.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Let me say this again, not trying to beat you down. I've been in your shoes sort of. Wife went off the rails. Thinking you can continue to do what you did before and get different results is a guaranteed recipe for pain though.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Evolution
Yes you were a jerk in ignoring your wife. According to you, you were busting ass in your job not shooting pool or being a barfly. No excuse for ignoring - but it IS one of those times in a marriage where the wife has to grab the husband by the lapels, look him in the eye, and lay the law down. 

But your wife chose to have an affair. She involved your children in the affair. Lied outright to you when you asked about the dude. And when you finally discovered the texts what did she do? Did she cry and beg forgiveness? Nope she SMIRKED. She had satisfaction in your misery. The level of contempt she showed you that night is beyond unacceptable. 

And what did you do? Sorry man, you blew it. You didn't lay down the law. You didn't do anything but fall on your knees and beg. BEG. Beg her to show you some mercy. I know it's Easter season and humility is in the spirit of the season - but brother - whatever little respect she might have had for you was blown away in an instant. 

Then you reacted badly. You can't take all the money! You need to support your kids. Split the acct in half. You need to see a lawyer. I recommend filing for divorce and doing the 180 (it's at the bottom of this post - click the link 180)

Don't engage her in ANY conversation that is not about the kids health or wellbeing.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Holy Smokes. She thinks she can continue to have contact with him and claims your are smothering her? This calls for drastic action. I would suggest serving her with divorce papers. It does not mean that you will necessarily divorce but this should shock her out of her fog. If not then this will tell you a great deal and save yourself a lot of wasted energy. Any contact with the OM should be an automatic deal breaker for you. Good luck.


Automatic deal breaker...I agree 100%. I used to say if she ever cheated on me I would cut that loose so fast. Now, I love her too much and that same scenario is taking place and find it hard to cut it loose. I will be researching "D" and filing and hopefully she gets the "pucker factor". Should I just stick the 180 list and follow through with it and continue to file? I am not thinking correctly, even though we are still married I have respect for my spouse and will not do anything stupid like her until its actually officially done with.

Thanks again!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get acheap new phone , have the service switched to it snd hsv her phond cut off.

Print out divorce papers for your state and start filling them out. Ask her if she really wants a divorce . No cotact with om or divorce is full on and you will be fighting for full custody on moral grounds and you will fight fof the housenand she will pay child support.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she says she wants to make the marriage work there are instructions for what she has to do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> When I read this, it hits so close to home. If I had a dollar for every time my husband called me a fat b!tch, disrespected me, and ignored me.........I would be a rich person. I was a good wife and waited, hoping he would change and give me attention and it never happened. Your wife reached out to you and you did not even take the time to respond to her text. It was her cry for help. I know what that feels like. I have been dealing with it for 5 months. I really wish people would think twice before they decide a person's words are not worth responding to. It hurts worse than being cursed at and called a b1tch.


Wow Salt, had no idea. That's terrible.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Evolution
> Yes you were a jerk in ignoring your wife. According to you, you were busting ass in your job not shooting pool or being a barfly. No excuse for ignoring - but it IS one of those times in a marriage where the wife has to grab the husband by the lapels, look him in the eye, and lay the law down.
> 
> But your wife chose to have an affair. She involved your children in the affair. Lied outright to you when you asked about the dude. And when you finally discovered the texts what did she do? Did she cry and beg forgiveness? Nope she SMIRKED. She had satisfaction in your misery. The level of contempt she showed you that night is beyond unacceptable.
> ...


you are 100% correct. I jus don't want to admit the situation though. But this is something I must do, as far as doing the 180, I read and took a look at that and I failed a couple of times. But I have to start again, especially the only thing im fighting is my emotions when she calls, or texts, or when I think she is "trying". I'm sorry I sound like a fool, but I will research the "D" and fill out the docs and present them to my wife, then I will split the account and end things in a peaceful manner...I hope.

I appreciate your advice, I really do thank you!


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Dear evolution,

My heart really broke reading your story. Betrayal is truly incomprehensible. And world-shattering. 

You did make mistakes early on - in not listening to her cries to be closer-which you clearly stated at the start of your story. But in NO WAY does that make an affair excusable. She has morphed into a selfish, cheating beast. The only chance you can reconcile is for her to understand the meaning of losing everything. I think you are on your way to preparing mentally for that.

My advice: start the divorce papers, detach and work on yourself for yourself, and only agree to "work" on your marriage if she agrees to strict conditions (including absolutely zero contact, no passwords, no latenights/overnights, and so on). Don't ask her to work on the marriage. Start divorce proceedings and only if she begs to work on the marriage and to do the heavy lifting should you tell her the conditions she must meet for you to stay with her.

I'm so so sorry. Every additional broken heart on TAM makes me so sad and angry with this world.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

evolution said:


> I can understand where you are coming from now. I apologize to you, cause I can only imagine how you feel too. I've learned in any relationship, at times a person just needs a little break and piece at mind. something similar to "shutting the world off" for a little bit because of stress; problems at work/life; and so forth. I guess it happened to be at the wrong time for me.
> 
> Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it very much.


I think offering a reasonable timeframe of availability would be a good way to avoid breakdown of communication that can lead to problems. Such as "I understand you want to talk to me, but if this is not an emergency, I need 2 hours to unwind and after that, I am all ears". It might help you in future relationships.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would also tell her, that you cannot live here and date another msn.

She has alrezdy threatened to have you removed, RECORD EVERYTHING WITH A VAR FOF USE IN COURT. YOU ARRRRRRE GOING TO NEED IT.

Slso go to dadsdivorce.com


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I think offering a reasonable timeframe of availability would be a good way to avoid breakdown of communication that can lead to problems. Such as "I understand you want to talk to me, but if this is not an emergency, I need 2 hours to unwind and after that, I am all ears". It might help you in future relationships.


My dear lady, I agree and will apply in my future relationship. Thank you. Something so basic, but always forgotten...communication


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SaltInWound said:


> I think offering a reasonable timeframe of availability would be a good way to avoid breakdown of communication that can lead to problems. Such as "I understand you want to talk to me, but if this is not an emergency, I need 2 hours to unwind and after that, I am all ears". It might help you in future relationships.


I heard a counselor say one time tha when a man comes home from work that hd need s 15 to 30mins to decompress and is not intentionally not listening to her. Never ask how was yor day because it can be answered with one word.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She was taunting you with the question “do you want me to stop talking to him? I will do that for you.”

She wouldn't have done it. And the very next time you didn't 'step and fetch' she would have told you "the OM is one text away." 

The speech she gave you about smothering her was her way of telling you to act like a man. And she was right about that! 

Don't respond to ANY text, phone call etc except about the kids until she is served with divorce papers. She will continue to call you to keep you on the yo-yo string. Don't fall for it. Stay dark and incommunicado. (except as it relates to the kids well-being). 

Are you seeing your kids regularly? Where is she staying now?


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Dear evolution,
> 
> My heart really broke reading your story. Betrayal is truly incomprehensible. And world-shattering.
> 
> ...


I broke down and I cried after I went out with a couple friends and hand a couple drinks. I couldn't help it, I had both eyes focused on her and not another woman would steer me away. My wife is really beautiful and very attractive, humble, loving and just the perfect person I thought. I've never cheated, lied, nor did I ever disrespect her when we began dating. loyal as can be, this is such a blow to the heart that I never expected in my dreams. 

How would you go about all this. Would you file the paper work so she understands this rude awakening and then tell her if she agrees to those strict conditions only then, when those conditions are met I would stay with her to work them out. I guess it would only make sense, but I guess this is all too sudden that I find it hard to let go..:scratchhead:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Evolution

You have handled yourself so well.

Who owns the house you are living in?

You really need to keep a VAR on you in your pocket at all times.

I also hope you took all those texts/emails/pics and forwarded them to a safe email somewhere as evidence if you ever need it.

Your wife is a liar and a cheater. Your behavior might have hurt your marriage but her behavior has killed it.

You did not cause her to cheat. You have not made her lie.

She owns that.

Go see an attorney. Talk about Divorce not separation because your wife shows no remorse and will continue to use you and your money while she cheats.

Show her tough consequences. Her family will be of no use to you.

Sorry you are here but we are a great resource for what happens next.

What state do you live in and get that evidence secure.

You do need to "Let Her Go".

At this time you have no other choice.

And the 180 is the next step. It is to help you detach and move on.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> She was taunting you with the question “do you want me to stop talking to him? I will do that for you.”
> 
> She wouldn't have done it. And the very next time you didn't 'step and fetch' she would have told you "the OM is one text away."
> 
> ...


Actually, she may be waiting for you to step up and take charge. Lets see how many times have you told her you give up and he wins. Fight for your family, do you think the Other Man is telling her to just do what she wants? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You didn't read her before, you sulked. Yo are not reading her now.

Print this post from a woman like her and ask he to read it .

_Before you decide to leave. Read my story 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.

Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.

Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.

During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party. 

Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.

We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.

Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me. 

But now its different.

We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me. 

I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol. 

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids. 

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me. 

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.

Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other. 

In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore." 

I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well. 

Why live this lie anymore I thought. 

Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork. 

During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening. 

Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.

My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.

Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me. 

I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing. 

As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.

Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me. 

Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it. 

It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child. 

It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do. 

I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.

I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish. 

My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together. 

Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now. 

I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized. 

What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life. 

He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.

I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help. 

So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.

I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now. 

Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin. 

Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well. 

So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for. _


Download the MMSLP book below in the link;


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And Evolution 

Never leave the home. Let her leave.

And do not let her put you in a position where she can force you out or have you arrested.

Be smart!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No choice but to file ASAP and go totally dark on her.
This or fully embrace what's going on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Evolution
you have a lot of work to do on yourself - either to save this marriage in the long run or to just have a fulfilling life. 

1. She's beautiful? Start looking at women (and men) beyond physical attributes. Beauty of the skin fades; beauty of the soul lasts. Character is part of beauty. 

By your description of her actions post Dday she has shown to have a very shallow character:
a) lying
b) belittling
c) threatening
d) continuing the affair
e) involving your children and family with her boyfriend

2. You need to get some self-confidence. You do not need this woman. Or any woman to be happy. Happiness is inside of you. Your image of yourself. Your contributions. You are begging for crumbs from this woman. And she is making you beg for them. 

Work on yourself as the poster totallyunexpected said. Follow the 180. Serve the papers. Don't do it as a means of getting her back. But if she is to return, then it must be on YOUR terms. 

You can determine if you want to give her the terms after she reads the petition.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

When she asks you what you want tell her exactly what you want without going into "I am offended that you don't know what I want".Deal with it later if you try to reconcile.

Yes file for divorce,it takes around 6-12 months for divorce to be final and you can cancel it at any time if she and you decide to work it out.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> She was taunting you with the question “do you want me to stop talking to him? I will do that for you.”
> 
> She wouldn't have done it. And the very next time you didn't 'step and fetch' she would have told you "the OM is one text away."
> 
> ...


she wasn't taunting me when she said “do you want me to stop talking to him? I will do that for you.” The way she said it was more of a torn between the guys she has and unsure about what she wants. If that's what I wanted then she would, obviously this says she's trying to keep me on the yo-yo affect and satisfy my mind thinking she is not talking to OM. She says she needs her time to think what she wants but being with OM isn't the time and space I thought she needed.

I appreciate you wisdom!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW the only thing I see, and I may have missed something, is you cut the money off. The point of you not providing her anything is to make her see what she is going to lose. What do you know about the other man.

If she says she is willing to save her marriage, she HAS to have no contact with the other man. Otherwise, I would keep suggesting she move out and leave the kids. If you think there is a chance she will work on the marriage print these Wayward Spouse Instructions and ss if she can live with them. It also brings home what she has done to you and her family. Do not hesitate to look up the statistics about what infidelity and divorce does to children. This is war, you have to bring it.


Print this off and see if she will read it with you.

_Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

evolution said:


> My wife is really beautiful and very attractive, humble, loving and just the perfect person I thought. I've never cheated, lied, nor did I ever disrespect her when we began dating. loyal as can be, this is such a blow to the heart that I never expected in my dreams.


Have you told her this? Yes you took her for granted annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndd you never gave her an std, which he knowingly did. Thats how much he really cares about her and her kids. 

Why did they break up the first time?

Have you asked if she would stop seeing him, at least for a while, and go to Marriage Counseling?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Evolution,
I want to try and give you advice from a woman's perspective. I completely respect you for taking ownership of the things you did to cause the stress in the relationship. In no way is this a justification for her actions! She had choices here and chose the wrong one! 

With that said, you must see she has no respect for you OR her kids. What type of person or mother only thinks of herself and sacrifices her children? Is this a person you want around you? She has the audacity to ask if she should end contact with the OM? Really? Is this the same person you made your vows with? I doubt it! She went out and purposely bought a burner phone to keep and aid in her deception. Totally incredulous!

So, here is my tough love. You need to take a stand and ask her to leave. She must earn your respect. It is no longer given unconditionally. She tore your heart into a million pieces and worried about her needs. Women may not say it, but here is what we want. We want a man who steps up, respects himself and uses what god gave him ( his [email protected]) and demand to be treated with love, honesty and integrity. Everything you are willing to give to her is what she must give to you FIRST! She betrayed YOU. Show her consequences and ask her to leave (if only for a few days) Let her have fear and regret. Do not beg, forgive or allow her to treat you like this. Trust me, this will not make her want you. Playing hardball is in order. Please get your head on straight, tell her you have given this a lot of thought and you need some time apart. Do this now!

One last thought for you. People will continue to treat you the way YOU allow them to! I know you know this and just needed a reminder. Best of luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It should probably go without saying that no matter what you decide to do you should stop calling her a [email protected]#ch. Who talks to their wife like that and still thinks they have a good marriage? Of course she was wrong to cheat and that should be dealt with (i won't bother with that because others here have already given great advice) but it's clear that you've been a bully and your wife is a passive aggressive. you being nasty to her and her having to come to you to apologize and smooth things over was actually your way of controlling things. There is a lot of research that suggests that passive aggressives are more likely to cheat because they don't know how to communicate. Factor in that your wife apparently tried and you basically blew her off to continue to maintain control and it's inevitable that it will blow up in your face eventually. I'm just sorry it ended in an affair, but that does tell you how she deals with issues. Should you ever decide to R serious MC is in order to change this dynamic. If not, please reflect on this behavior to avoid taking it to your next relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

evolution said:


> I broke down and I cried after I went out with a couple friends and hand a couple drinks. I couldn't help it, I had both eyes focused on her and not another woman would steer me away.* My wife is really beautiful and very attractive, humble, loving and just the perfect person* I thought. I've never cheated, lied, nor did I ever disrespect her when we began dating. loyal as can be, this is such a blow to the heart that I never expected in my dreams.
> 
> How would you go about all this. Would you file the paper work so she understands this rude awakening and then tell her if she agrees to those strict conditions only then, when those conditions are met I would stay with her to work them out. I guess it would only make sense, but I guess this is all too sudden that I find it hard to let go..:scratchhead:


And that is your problem right there, and SHE knows it. You put your wife on this pedestal. She is none of these things. I noticed that when you separated your accounts, at first she was angry, then she came to meet with you..right there a light bulb should have gone off in your head to how to handle this.
YOU TOOK CONTROL AWAY FROM HER.

Firstly do you want to reconcile?

This is the woman who said she didn't love you even after two kids..and I don't buy she's was in a fog. She was in deceit .

People throw around the word love too easily. This woman stopped loving you the second she even entertained thoughts of having sex with him. What she then did after that, it's the worst thing a person can do to someone they trust.

*But you're not totally in the clear here*

You acknowledge you said some nonsense and acted like a major douche didn't you? It was probably during that time while she was being nice and stopping fights, she was losing her respect for you. Makes it easier to justify cheating after that. STILL DOESN'T CONDONE IT THOUGH

So she's still seeing him, talking to him, in her eyes and her actions prove this, he is of *higher value* than you or the kids are. In fact in light of everything out in the open, he is of such high value in her eyes she is still willing to speak to him, in fact *his rank so supersedes yours*, she told you she was speaking to him and sarcastically tells you she'll stop speaking to him if you want (not that that will work, because even the outing of the affair hasn't stopped them speaking, so I doubt a simple request from you will)

So when you took the money away, reality hit her for just a second, she came to her senses and CAME TO YOU.

Why?

YOU TOOK CONTROL.

Right now everything revolves around her and her lover. During the affair everything was second to their passion. She couldn't wait to get out the house so she could be with him. Even when she was in the house she was still with him. Not you, not your kids.

Right now you need to stop flailing around, stop begging, stop bending over backwards to accommodate her. You need to take control.

Right now neither him or her have anything to lose. She'll keep playing this game until she leaves you or he dumps her, either way you're not really getting her back.

You have two children, you need to protect them. They need as stable an environment as possible because none of this is their fault.

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. This is not a threat to her but a reality of the situation she has brought upon herself.

Expose the OM to the baseball league he plays, I'm sure all the children's fathers would like to know that their coach preys on their wives. You're making it uncomfortable for both of them because they feel that they can walk all over you. He's of higher value so he feels entitled to disrespect you, I mean what's more the ultimate disrespect than sleeping with someone's wife?

Stop forgiving, stop begging. Take control. Only then might you truly be able to save your marriage. Being a NiceGuy is not going to help you..only him.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I guess I'm not completely clear with this whole scenario. I see up front you were verbally abusive and had some other bad qualities as a husband, and it clearly looked like to me that your wife shut down in order to minimize the verbal assaults. So I'm guessing during this time when you were a royal ass to her, she connected with this other guy - at least on an emotional level?

So did you clear up whether she admitted to sleeping with the guy or is she still holding to the story that this is just an EA with "sexting"/fantasy within the texts? Is she still playing on the same rec sports team with him? Does she have any regular contact with him still in social situations, work or activities within the community?

Did you take her up on her offer to go no contact? If not, why not? Seems like that would be the perfect opportunity for you to stop the whole thing. If you and her agree to no contact - you then set the ground rules moving forward, and if you also expose this concurrently to the others and let everyone know that you two are working on your marriage, then it would seem that she will be the one to receive the fallout if she is dishonest about contact that is discovered in the future. But playing the "smothering" card after the evidence points to an emotional affair AT A MINIMUM is very weak. You should be able to tear that argument made by your wife to shreds.

So have you conquered your anger issues and the verbal abuse on your end, or do you still have flare ups - independent of the affair?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like she was having an exit affair but hadn’t got to the exit stage yet. She has so much resentment build up that she felt entitled to have the A. In the short term there is no way she will give up the A for the M, to her it’s not worth it.

The ONLY way you can R will be is she wants to R. She has to WANT to give up the OM and do everything you require to R on her own, not simply doing what you say. If she is not 110% into the M and has lost all feelings for the OM then you don’t have an M. She has to save the M, not you for an R to work.

Tell her you want to D and hope she is happy with the OM because he can have her. Do not even hint that you want to stay with her, that you will give her the divorce because you know she is not ever going to be happy with you. You are basically letting her go.

This will do a couple of things. For one, it will be seen as selfless (instead of being selfish for wanting her to stay) and make you seen like the good guy. It will also take the pressure off of her for her to attempt to work on the M when she really isn’t into it.

When you are out of the picture and no longer trying to make her stay with you, she will then be able to really see if you are what she wants over the OM. It takes a good 6 weeks or so of basically LC/NC for all the negative feelings she has for you to fade and see you as a decent person and not someone she believes “pushed” her to an A by not being there emotionally for her (my wife did the same thing). Not only that, when her A becomes a real relationship the fantasy takes a back seat to reality and that tends to kill As faster than anything. Then she can see that not only did she hurt you and the kids, she hurt herself by degrading herself for cheating in a marriage.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Evolution: I don't think you comprehend the level of disrespect your wife has shown you. It's not completely gender-based to be sure, but this is one very common way that WWs justify their affairs to themselves and everyone else. They despise their husbands and blame them for "causing" them to have an affair.

You serve her with divorce papers, you do not leave your home, and you tell her that if she wants any chance of reconciliation that's it's him or you and she must decide now. Not 15 minutes from now but now. And she must tell you everything. If she wants to stay in contact with the guy, or if she accuses you of "smothering" her, then point to the door and tell her to leave. Go be free, honey, and get out of my life.

Not only are you standing up as a man to her if you do this, but you are standing up as a man for yourself. If you let her treat you with such disrespect and you do not do anything about it, it will kill you for the rest of your life.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You have all the answers you need now. You have received more information than most men get in there life time. It is time to act like a MAN and not like some hurt schoolboy.

Buck up. 

File for Divorce and serve her. Go ice cold on her. Do not cry or whine or beg. If she wants you back after the divorce you can think about it. You should reread all the advice you have gotten here and use it to work this problem thru. Just my 2 cents. David


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Evolution
> 
> You have handled yourself so well.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much. I feel though as I'm handling everything completely wrong and continue to fuel her emotions for the OM by telling her how I feel and what I think.

The house is completely in my name along with everything else i.e cars, credit, bread winner, etc. I do live in California, which is funny you say to secure the evidence. I came home 2 nights later to find precious pictures removed from the computer along with the baited copy of the evidence on her. Luckily I stored that information on my secrete thumb drive and 2 places on the computer and some on my phone. My "wife" is a smart girl believe it or not, she tries to think 2 steps head...unfortunately this scenario is not the case.

Today I started the "180" it is very hard, but I feel good now. She has called to check on the girls, assuming that I would tell her I miss her or maybe plead with her. I cut the conversation short and to the point relating to only the girls. I did not respond to the text message she sent staying " how is everything?". I didnt text cause I dont know if she meant it for or for the girls, or just in general. I want her to know that I am not going to be there when she calls. Its been pretty hard buy it looks like 1 day down and looking forward for tomorrow to grow a little stronger.

Thanks


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Evolution

One day down and many more to go.

But in time you will be fine.

You really must "Let Her Go".

Your wife must have consequences now. She has lied, cheated and abused your trust. That is no marriage.

And it is good you owed up to your issues in the marriage. I have been in your shoes. My wife had some of the same complaints.

But not once has she ever stepped out of our marriage. And we are married over 20 years. Do you see the difference?

You are not at fault for her decision to cheat. She lowered her boundaries. She made that conscious decision to get emotionally and physically involved with someone outside of the marriage.

She needs to own that.

So take this time to fix you. To work on your issues. 

And let your wayward wife stew in her juices and play with her boyfriend. I hope the loss of her family was worth it........

You and your family are in my thoughts. Stay strong.

HM64


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Have you told her this? Yes you took her for granted annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndd you never gave her an std, which he knowingly did. Thats how much he really cares about her and her kids.
> 
> Why did they break up the first time?
> 
> Have you asked if she would stop seeing him, at least for a while, and go to Marriage Counseling?


She knew this character since middle school. But was never a known issue, until she opened up and told me she cheated on me for the very first time before we were married. At that time we separated for about a month or two and she came back to me. I thought it was meant to be and felt that she loved me so much to return after all the fights we've been through. I later find out she was with him and had sex with him. The unveiled text messaged that I broke into recently show that she sent a picture of both of them through email of them back at that time and said "However far, I will always love you". For some reason he seems like the rebound guy that my wife has in the background for some time now. Because he makes her feel all the romantic feelings couples do when they first start off.

She broke it off at that time with the OM, because she felt that she was in love with me. I never knew I was competing with someone else at that time, I tried and then I stopped and learned to let her go. If she returned, it was meant to be. Sucker I was for not investigating it a little more. 

I have pleaded with her and asked for marriage counseling but very stubborn says "why? if I don't know if this is what I want." At times I feel that she just doesnt want to give in because the many times we've been through this, and she feels that if she did, we would later find ourselves back to square one. 

I have asked her to stop seeing the guy, and told her that I would give her space. But, hanging out with the OM isnt going to help the situation I told her. She is going to be more confused and especially when she comes home to me and my daughters.

Thanks for the ongoing advice


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Evolution,
> I want to try and give you advice from a woman's perspective. I completely respect you for taking ownership of the things you did to cause the stress in the relationship. In no way is this a justification for her actions! She had choices here and chose the wrong one!
> 
> With that said, you must see she has no respect for you OR her kids. What type of person or mother only thinks of herself and sacrifices her children? Is this a person you want around you? She has the audacity to ask if she should end contact with the OM? Really? Is this the same person you made your vows with? I doubt it! She went out and purposely bought a burner phone to keep and aid in her deception. Totally incredulous!
> ...


I always have loved a woman's advice, simply because they've been through it and know what they want in a man. I agree on the reminder to step up and use my pair of "[email protected]", I have today felt a little stronger by not returning her calls or her text messages. I have not text her good night, or that I miss her. My relationship/marriage was always a loving one. I appeared as a hard ass to everyone else that didnt know me, but the most loving and devoted husband/father a woman can have. Granted, I jacked up by being disrespectful, rude, name calling, or better yet belittling her, of course not in a routine basis. But no man should at all say or do those things to the person they love the most. I can understand her hurt and disconnect by her applying her love and me thinking "she'll make it better and say sorry" foolish me. I have already told her this and I told her on the positive side, this experience led me to realize the awful mistakes I have done.

I have never cheated, lied, physically abuse, nor mislead her to believe our relationship/marriage was not taken serious. I have had opportunities to cheat and go out and experience different things from other women, but clearly I live through co-workers, friends, and family experiences to know... it's not worth it. Because I've always thought I could never find a woman like I have at home waiting up late for me to come home and spend time with me happily.

I appreciate your advice, but hardball it is and vowed myself not beg, plead, or reason with her. As I read that it just fuels her to continue the affair with the OM, because she knows where I stand.

Thank you for reading my story.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> And that is your problem right there, and SHE knows it. You put your wife on this pedestal. She is none of these things. I noticed that when you separated your accounts, at first she was angry, then she came to meet with you..right there a light bulb should have gone off in your head to how to handle this.
> YOU TOOK CONTROL AWAY FROM HER.
> 
> Firstly do you want to reconcile?
> ...


perfectly said. I agree with everything you said, as my blind fold begins to come off. I did disrespect her and was a "major douche", but my mistake is fixable and able to be worked on without losing the love for each other. Her grave mistake supersedes mine, I wonder at times how she is able to live with the guilt or if it even hit her yet. I am assuming it hasn't because the reassurance of the OM.

I do want to reconcile only if she will be the one to put 95% of the work to regain trust, love, patch the hurt, and etc. The 5% of mine, I now understand and am able to correct the awful mistakes as a husband/father. Did we have to come this far for me to understand this...yes... unfortunately. But I will not beg and stay low key, and research divorce for California.

Thank you friend.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did you find out what kind(s) of STIs, if any, she picked up from OM?

Protect your health.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I guess I'm not completely clear with this whole scenario. I see up front you were verbally abusive and had some other bad qualities as a husband, and it clearly looked like to me that your wife shut down in order to minimize the verbal assaults. So I'm guessing during this time when you were a royal ass to her, she connected with this other guy - at least on an emotional level?
> 
> So did you clear up whether she admitted to sleeping with the guy or is she still holding to the story that this is just an EA with "sexting"/fantasy within the texts? Is she still playing on the same rec sports team with him? Does she have any regular contact with him still in social situations, work or activities within the community?
> 
> ...


She shut down and checked out. Thinking I will continue to be this way. I have understood through this awful experience my faults and my mistakes said and done to my wife that I love. Its to the point that If she and I didnt work out and I found someone else, I wouldnt treat the next woman like I did my wife. To me it's a scaring and emotional experience I wouldnt want to relive again... trust me. I have expressed my feelings to my wife, which I have read that this is the wrong thing to do with her at this moment. But I have informed her everything that i've said, done, and how I made her say sorry first (stubborn) because i was too macho. She told me "why couldnt you have taken the time to learn this and understand?" "I told you that one day you'll realize how much I mean to you when im actually gone."

I believe it began as an emotional affair, because of the constant BS from me and shut down. I believe it later turned into a physical affair, especially when the OM is sweet talking her and telling her everything she wanted to hear from me. These are my thoughts, would you say there some what accurate?

Thanks for the advice.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Sounds like she was having an exit affair but hadn’t got to the exit stage yet. She has so much resentment build up that she felt entitled to have the A. In the short term there is no way she will give up the A for the M, to her it’s not worth it.
> 
> The ONLY way you can R will be is she wants to R. She has to WANT to give up the OM and do everything you require to R on her own, not simply doing what you say. If she is not 110% into the M and has lost all feelings for the OM then you don’t have an M. She has to save the M, not you for an R to work.
> 
> ...



everything you said is on the money, I feel everything you just said. Of course, when I got the part of you stating that you already gone through it, it gave me more confidence and reassurance that I will be ok regardless of outcome. 

Thank you. btw, how did you deal when you went no contact and shut yourself off from her? How long did it last? when did you know it was the right thing to do to give her a 2nd chance at the marriage?


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> Evolution: I don't think you comprehend the level of disrespect your wife has shown you. It's not completely gender-based to be sure, but this is one very common way that WWs justify their affairs to themselves and everyone else. They despise their husbands and blame them for "causing" them to have an affair.
> 
> You serve her with divorce papers, you do not leave your home, and you tell her that if she wants any chance of reconciliation that's it's him or you and she must decide now. Not 15 minutes from now but now. And she must tell you everything. If she wants to stay in contact with the guy, or if she accuses you of "smothering" her, then point to the door and tell her to leave. Go be free, honey, and get out of my life.
> 
> Not only are you standing up as a man to her if you do this, but you are standing up as a man for yourself. If you let her treat you with such disrespect and you do not do anything about it, it will kill you for the rest of your life.


I will keep this in mind when I reach that day when she and I both come together and finalize what will happen to our marriage. Then I will point to the door and tell her to fly a kite, because your right it doesnt take 15 minutes to figure it out, or "smothering her" or giving her space to realize if this marriage is what she wants. To me its common sense to know that your special partner in your life is ready for you, but because her selfishness and actions, if we did come to the point and she told me that she needed to talk about it, or time, i will know she is not ready for me.

Thank you for your advice


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Did you find out what kind(s) of STIs, if any, she picked up from OM?
> 
> Protect your health.



no, i havent gone to the doctor. I have scheduled an appointment this Friday before work to get myself checked out. Thank you for keeping me in mind.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

2 days ago, my wife came home in the morning. I saw her vulnerable and very emotional when she saw me. I felt the connection we had before, but didnt want to give in easily. I fell for the trap again... I grabbed her hand and told her that if she wanted the D then I would do it because I love her and that I would want to make her happy and set her free. 

I then tried to hug her and console her because she felt hurt inside and blamed me for where we stand today. I naturally grabbed her face and rubbed her chin with my thumb and I looked into her eyes and seen a little shed of light still left. Foolish me to listen to my heart yet again. I kissed her cheek and her forehead and told her I was sorry for acting the way I was, because it was my actions and words that caused her to seek another man. We then moved to the office room which is located downstairs away from our children to talk some more about the D. Foolish me, I ended trying to grab her hand and began kissing her cheek while I moved closer to her lips. I was desperate and thought maybe if she showed some interest I would then know where she stands. sure enough, I aroused her enough that she began to kiss me back. I felt the spark for a second, or at least I thought I did. She took her top off and I walked her upstairs to our bedroom holding hands. We then closed the door.

When I closed the door behind us, she laid on our bed completely naked for me. As I took my time to undress myself, I looked at her and noticed that she was second guessing her decision and I the same. I continued anyway, we began to kiss and etc, etc. By the time I was laying down watching her trying to love me, I noticed in her eyes and face that she wasnt all there. Being a gentleman I stopped her and told her it was ok, that I wasnt mad and that I understood. She got off and laid at the end of the bed with pillow covering her face. im thinking she might of felt disgusted in herself, guilty, confused and emotionally jacked up not knowing what to think of the situation. 

I got dressed and went to work with the intention not to text or call her not one bit. She replied later in the afternoon "im sorry about earlier, i dont know what to even think or feel..." she said. I text her back with "I know... I seen it in your face and in your eyes" she then said she was sorry and didnt know what to say. 

later that evening she told me that it wouldnt be a good idea to be around me like this morning. I told her I agreed and took it upon myself to vow to the 180 rules. I made a mistake again listening to my heart, but what consequences has she felt when im the one continuing to chase....none.

I am curious to think what and why she wouldn't be there emotionally when she was trying to love me. was she thinking of the OM? or was it guilt and felt disgusted inside? 

Since then I have pulled the plug and made no contact whatsoever. she has attempted to contact me for the children but cut the conversation she tried to drag on to different topics real short and to the point. I am sorry I failed everyone yet again... I thought I would let all of you know what happened, all of your support has been encouraging and positive for me. I thank you all for being with me in this difficult time. Any feed back or continued advice would be appreciated like always and have my phone near me at all times to hear your comments, good or bad.

Thank you!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I think its only natural to have a few slip ups here and there. But remember every time you do you appear less attractive to her and as a man in general.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

evolution said:


> I am curious to think what and why she wouldn't be there emotionally when she was trying to love me. was she thinking of the OM? or was it guilt and felt disgusted inside?
> 
> Thank you!


Many of us are sensitive creatures, and when the fog, the fantasy, and most of all the sense of how great it all is and how good it is to do this for yourself because you feel so good about it. . . (have an affair, that is)--when all of that gets stripped away it leaves most anyone with a heart and a conscience feeling shocked and cold, or it gives us a sense of revulsion.

The attraction-repulsion of the affair gets to be much more. She's probably still thinking of the OM, fantasizing about fvcking him, but she's also probably feeling the shame and its repulsing her. 

Sex probably seems pretty awful right now because she's wrecked her world and the world of several other people because of it. Reality is hitting home, and part of that reality is the slow realization of what a selfish bytch she is.

However, one thing I would say. "I don't know what to think or feel." Unfortunately, she does most likely. There's no confusion here. She feels and thinks for the OM and she realizes she can't re-create that feeling for you. She does not want to admit it to you and probably also to herself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does she know that you have proof of the physical part of her affair r is she still hiding it ? 

What about exposure? Does her family know ?


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

She was absolutely wrong to cheat on you and I am sorry for your pain. That being said it sounds like you were not a very good husband and spent many years ignoring her pleas for attention, verbally abusing her, etc.., and she tried and was getting nowhere so was ripe for the picking when this om came along. She should have just asked for a divorce and not cheated. Now things are messy for the kids and that is sad. I wish you well but think you own responsibility for your part of the demise of this marriage (not her cheating but the fact that she was miserable and it didn't work out). Try to quell your anger, be reasonable for the best interest of yourself and your kids and not focus so much on revenge (it will end up hurting you and your kids more then her). Use what you learned here to do better in your next relationship.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Evo

We all slip up in life.

Get yourself tested. Today.

And you cannot even comprehend being with your wife unless she has cut off the POSOM 100%......

Use this time apart to fix your issues.

Any communication between you two is about the children or a Divorce.

When she is totally honest with you and he OM is out f the picture then you can talk about Reconciliation.

Until then it is all hot air.

HM64


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

what am i missing here? something does not add up. are you the jerk guy who belittles his wife and calls her a b1tch, or are you this doormat of a man who has been holding his wifes hand, kissing her cheek, saying sorry for pushing her into another man. I just don't get it, you need to clarify what and how you acted and how often because this is confusing or you have two personalities. I mean how to you go from a hard jerk to saying "i'm playing hardball i didn't even text my wife good night or i love you in the last hour". we can not come up with the best plan of action without the needed info.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

evolution said:


> Thank you. btw, how did you deal when you went no contact and shut yourself off from her? How long did it last? when did you know it was the right thing to do to give her a 2nd chance at the marriage?


I gave her 3 chances, I had 2 false Rs because I was the nice guy which made her leaving that much easier.

I didn’t take any advice given to me because I thought I knew what I was doing. In the end, I got angry but instead of lashing out I went all passive/aggressive and made a game of ignoring her. People HATE being ignored. The anger came easy once I accepted that the A wasn’t my fault (I had blamed myself so I didn’t hold her accountable).

I threw in the towel and started dating. She was living with the OM for about 3 months before things really started to imploded over there and she wanted out with or without me. I told her I wanted to D and was sick of her nonsense but I eventually caved and gave her one last chance. At this point she needed me WAY more than I needed her so the balance of power shifted to me. BTW I was an a-hole by then and all that did was make her try to R more. The more I rejected her, the more she chased me.

That’s where you need to get to. She cheated; she should not be calling the shots. If R is in the cards it will be up to you, not her.

As far as timelines, 3-6 months tend to be the normal for them to come snooping around after hard 180. 

I know you were a jerk to her in the past but now is NOT the time to play Mr. Beta. No ILYs, no kisses, no physical contact, no interest in her or anything she says. She is a stranger to you now, treat her as such.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

skip76 said:


> what am i missing here? something does not add up. are you the jerk guy who belittles his wife and calls her a b1tch, or are you this doormat of a man who has been holding his wifes hand, kissing her cheek, saying sorry for pushing her into another man. I just don't get it, you need to clarify what and how you acted and how often because this is confusing or you have two personalities. I mean how to you go from a hard jerk to saying "i'm playing hardball i didn't even text my wife good night or i love you in the last hour". we can not come up with the best plan of action without the needed info.


I was the jerk guy for our relationship/marriage, But not always was I this way. I would do all the gentleman things as well, but the ignoring, my behavior, and neglect is what pushed her to another man. My wife and I have tried after many arguments throughout the years and i've failed to realize what strain im putting on our relationship and marriage, especially her feelings. She has told me she doesnt want to stay and continue like this because she knows things wont change, she says. Ive realized wrongs and owned up to them, but it doesnt help.

I recently had the strength to play "hardball" and stop with the texting and ILY's. I have noticed that I keep pushing her away and feel even more distant from me.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

Today was the 2nd day that I would stay on target with the 180 rules: no begging; pleading; and little to no communication. She called me this morning to tell me she was at the court house ready to file and asked what I wanted to do. I knew she was at school, so I told her "do what you have to do, and Ill do what I need to do. You'll receive my portion in the mail as well" I said. We argued over the phone for a little while and told me she didnt want to hurt me or go below the belt. I told her that if cheating and disrespecting our marriage wasnt below the belt than I dont know what is.

I asked her if she is 110% sure she wants to file for "D". She said yes... I asked why? She stated that this relationship and marriage isnt something she wants to do anymore. She loves me and cares about me, but she is not in love with me she says. I told her about the special times, kissing, holding hands recently, and holding each other. I told her "you still love me, you dont want to love me anymore and you dont hurt because there is someone else making it ok for you."

She went on to tell me that she's tried too many times to stop the fights, arguments, to make things better for all of us. I cant say no, that's not true because it is. I told her I have realized my blinded mistakes and that she is worth changing, and working for. I asked for marriage counseling and she said it would of been good in the past, but she is not interested in working at it anymore. that now its not what she wants. She went to say that she can be walked on so many timed before she or any woman can get worn out and not want it any more... she feels like she is at this point, I agree she is right. She apologized for the damage she and I have caused each other to lead us to this point of what appears to be of no return.

I told her I loved her and faithfully continued to do so. She told me to take my focus off of her and focus more on my children, which is true but hard to dismiss the woman that gave me my children and showed me love. I said why would I want to dismiss you and move on when I know how you feel about me and waste another persons time when I know the person I want is you! She said we will always be in contact and living in the same city for our children and if it happens to be that we end up talking in the future again, so be it. 

My dearest friends, my wife and I have arranged to sit down and talk tomorrow morning about tying up the loose ends of our marriage and figuring out child support and other important items. She will file and wants me to know and agree on all terms before she submits the paper work. She said after all the years and times spent she could not just stick it to me and leave me dry. 

I know I love her and I know I want my marriage. I can forgive and work on reconciling, but its a two way street. Unfortunately, it appears that I will be alone. A part of me tells me that time is the best things for the both of us to realize how much we mean to each other and where our feelings actually lie. Another part of me suggest to go seek a counselor for the lonely pain I will go through alone, its too unbearable for me. 

Has anyone ever been in this similar situation? would she still continue to think of me after the divorce, with little to no contact? knowing that feelings dont change over night, how she feels about me, would it be best for time to help sink in what she really wants after the divorce? I am lost and dont know where to start my life again, majority of my life has been spent with her. I need training wheels again, but where do I buy them lol.

Thanks for all the coninued help my friends.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Evo

If Divorce is what she wants give it to her.

I know you think you are being left in the dust. In a way you are because of her Affair.

Believe me, those relationships rarely work out.

Take the time to fix you.

Go be the man you want to be.
Go be the Dad you need to be.
And go make your STBXW jealous of the man you will be and the life you will be leading.

Because in a few months to a year the shoe will be on the other foot.

So "Let Her Go".

Believe me in timeshe will regret it. And she will regret the decision she made.

The key is to become so happy that you do not want her back.

Stop begging.

Be the man you need to be.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find a counselor with experience dealing with PTSD. The trauma of betrayal and divorce needs professional intervention. Go to your MD for temporary help.

The sun will shine again. Read MMSLP you will do better in future relationships.

Most importantly, she had options, she picked the lowest of the low and you will begin to see this soon.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She is hooking up with a home wrecker. Put him on chaterville.com. I would also contact his ex and see what the real skinny is.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

evolution said:


> Today was the 2nd day that I would stay on target with the 180 rules: no begging; pleading; and little to no communication. She called me this morning to tell me she was at the court house ready to file and asked what I wanted to do. I knew she was at school, so I told her "do what you have to do, and Ill do what I need to do. You'll receive my portion in the mail as well" I said. We argued over the phone for a little while and told me she didnt want to hurt me or go below the belt. I told her that if cheating and disrespecting our marriage wasnt below the belt than I dont know what is.
> 
> I asked her if she is 110% sure she wants to file for "D". She said yes... I asked why? She stated that this relationship and marriage isnt something she wants to do anymore. She loves me and cares about me, but she is not in love with me she says. I told her about the special times, kissing, holding hands recently, and holding each other. I told her "you still love me, you dont want to love me anymore and you dont hurt because there is someone else making it ok for you."
> 
> ...


Hate to break it to ya but that is not doing the 180. Read the rules again.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Hate to break it to ya but that is not doing the 180. Read the rules again.


Not even close.

Man, she's gone. G O N E

Stop it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> Hate to break it to ya but that is not doing the 180. Read the rules again.


I don't think the "180" is going to help salvage anything that may be left in his relationship. The 180 she's interested in is him turning around and walking away. If I'm reading his post correctly, she threw in the towel long ago and she ain't going back. Using strategy and ultimatums on gals who have already ditched you seems senseless.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I don't think the "180" is going to help salvage anything that may be left in his relationship. * The 180 she's interested in is him turning around and walking away.* If I'm reading his post correctly, she threw in the towel long ago and she ain't going back.


That's exactly what the 180 is about. Detachment. evolution should do it for his own good so that he can breeze through the divorce with less pain, and then use that detachment as a launchpad to get back to dating and having fun.

It all depends on the underlying intentions. evolution is using the 180 to get her back. Her getting back with you is only a consequence of your becoming a more attractive male not a goal. You get it OP?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> so that he can breeze through the divorce with less pain, and then use that detachment as a launchpad to get back to dating and having fun.
> You get it OP?


Now that I go along with.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> That's exactly what the 180 is about. Detachment. evolution should do it for his own good so that he can breeze through the divorce with less pain, and then use that detachment as a launchpad to get back to dating and having fun.
> 
> It all depends on the underlying intentions. evolution is using the 180 to get her back. Her getting back with you is only a consequence of your becoming a more attractive male not a goal. You get it OP?


I understand, I was originally using the 180 to improve me, but to get my wife to come back after the aliens got done with her. But I've been on this website all day and noticed that using the 180 for detachment for my sake and well being, hard to say but doing so will help me and maybe just maybe have her notice me once again. I won't hold my breath but I'm trying to take things one day at time now. Thanks for the support, I find all this information very useful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

skip76 said:


> what am i missing here? something does not add up. are you the jerk guy who belittles his wife and calls her a b1tch, or are you this doormat of a man who has been holding his wifes hand, kissing her cheek, saying sorry for pushing her into another man. I just don't get it, you need to clarify what and how you acted and how often because this is confusing or you have two personalities. I mean how to you go from a hard jerk to saying "i'm playing hardball i didn't even text my wife good night or i love you in the last hour". we can not come up with the best plan of action without the needed info.


The truth is somewhere in between I guess. I'm thinking he got comfortable, took her for granted, was a little mean, she started to check out of the marriage, OM come along and made it much easier, now she's at a cross roads..connected to OM but husband is trying to win her back.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You can't make love to her because she is feeling guilt. Guilt that she's cheating on a man she's bonded emotionally and physically with. The OM.

You get it?

You cannot nice your way out of this. 180 only works if you're serious about letting her go. Unless you in it for long term results and not a short fix to win your wife back then every time she offers you sex you're going to get derailed.

She wants to be with OM. She's been with him, travelling with him, having sex, building a dreamworld based on romance and intense passion. What are you offering her?

You want your wife back, you have to be prepared to show her how serious you are about not taking any nonsense. If she wants to work on the marriage then you work on it together, not with OM in the picture.

Go see a lawyer, file, get her served and wake her up from this fantasy and make her see you're serious and what she has to lose.
Otherwise you're just stalling. And she gets to pine for OM while pretending to want reconciliation with you. Time to take control and stop being a doormat.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

evolution said:


> But not always was I this way. I would do all the gentleman things as well, but the ignoring, my behavior, and neglect is what pushed her to another man.


Unless you actually told her to go look for a boyfriend, you did not push her to cheat. She had many options (MC/IC, leaving) but she chose the cowards way out. Regardless of how you were, she had NO right to cheat on you.



evolution said:


> I told her about the special times, kissing, holding hands recently, and holding each other. I told her "you still love me, you dont want to love me anymore and you dont hurt because there is someone else making it ok for you."


This is a classic mistake. When you tell her things like this you are basically telling her she is wrong and pressuring her, both are big no-no's and pushes her away. One of the list of things to NOT do is try to remind them of your past good times and tell them "you know you love me". Who are you to tell her how she feels? She was probably offended when you said that.



> Has anyone ever been in this similar situation? would she still continue to think of me after the divorce, with little to no contact?


Yes, they think about you as much as you think about them. As long as you maintain contact though most of those thoughts tend to be negative as in "how can I get him off my back?"

When they stop hearing from/about you they start to wonder if you are moving on without them and if you are doing better than them (the last thing they want is for you to trade up, it makes them feel they made a mistake leaving you). The less she hears from you, the more she will think about you.



> knowing that feelings dont change over night, how she feels about me, would it be best for time to help sink in what she really wants after the divorce? I am lost and dont know where to start my life again, majority of my life has been spent with her. I need training wheels again, but where do I buy them lol.


Time is your friend as long as you are out of the picture. The less you want her, the more she will want you (assuming there is any feelings left). You can't do anything that will make her want you back, she has to discover that on her own without you.

Get a co-dependency book and read it twice. You can’t base your happiness on another person, that’s too much pressure for them and makes you lose yourself. Once you get your confidence back then things will fall into place.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Unless you actually told her to go look for a boyfriend, you did not push her to cheat. She had many options (MC/IC, leaving) but she chose the cowards way out. Regardless of how you were, she had NO right to cheat on you.
> 
> 
> This is a classic mistake. When you tell her things like this you are basically telling her she is wrong and pressuring her, both are big no-no's and pushes her away. One of the list of things to NOT do is try to remind them of your past good times and tell them "you know you love me". Who are you to tell her how she feels? She was probably offended when you said that.
> ...


It makes perfect sense everything you've said. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

Hey guys, I just wanted to give you all an update of this week. Here it goes...

My wife and I sat down this week to go over finances and making arrangements as she is adamant about divorce. I have expressed, and have encouraged my wife that she will do just fine without me. She is a strong minded, intelligent woman, and knows how to handle herself when placed in hard times. During our conversation that lasted from 9pm - 3:30 in the morning, we bumped heads, expressed how we both felt, and I finally realized how I have made her feel throughout the years.

At one point of the conversation I felt she had the mighty Great Wall of China so far up that it was unattainable to get to. I asked what caused her to "fall out of love with me?" she replied with "time...throughout the years we've been together we've seen the good times and bad times. When things were good, they were good. When things got bad, they got bad enough to never forget the degrading things said out of emotion like "you don't do $h!t fvck!ng wh0re", gestures of "I don't care, go ahead and leave, "shoo away now", being neglectful, disrespectful, when all I wanted was to spend time with you and for you to love me in return." Her family meant a lot to her as well, most of the time I never wanted to be around them because I know what they thought of me. Simply knowing that they disliked me put a bad taste in my mouth, to the point where I never wanted to go visit her family or be around. I didn't know how much it would affect her by taking her away from her family unknowingly, being so selfish and self centered about the way I felt about her family. Very blinded and ignorant I was to dismiss her feelings about her family, although she would tell me the negative things that caused my wife and her family arguments about other things, I would say "I didn't want to hear it, just leave them, you don't need them." foolish me not taking the time to listen to my wife... As I stood listening to her speak her heart out, I felt numb, hurt, ashamed of myself to do this to her, and wished to go back in time to correct the mistakes I've made.

Back in 2007 on her birthday, we had sex. We later found out she was pregnant with our 1st child. At that time we were broken up, trying to patch things up. I asked her "if it wasn't for her being pregnant with our first child would we still be together?" she said "I don't think so." "you've changed throughout the years" she said. But she is right, I have. I am more financially stable, dedicated hard worker to provide for the family, a different outlook on life, and etc. But she says "the person I fell in love with is gone." Now I cant help myself but to look in the mirror and feel disgusted into the person she described me to be... 

I respectively accepted defeat in my head and told her I would comply and give her what she's looking for. I continue to love her and adore her from a distance, while I stay to myself. She also told me that night that she just wanted to be her, be able to go out with her girlfriends and stay out until 4 in the morning, and be able to be just her. She said I've hurt her enough that she can only trust herself and focus on herself. She feels that she will be hurt relying on me or giving me another chance, regardless if I have realized and changed myself for her. In her mind, she feels that it'll be a matter of time before things go back to the way things were. She doesn't want to feel "stuck" like her mother, friends, and different experiences she has seen through different people, which is understandable. 

I feel like the best thing to do is to put my hands behind my back and take the bullet, and let her be. The more I chase, the more she runs away from me. I guess after reading and being on this forum I've learned that there is nothing we all can do to stop, change, or convince our loving other half to be with us. I feel deep down in my heart that she still loves me, but she is so caved in that it will take time and space for her to miss me...that's if my heart is right about how it feels. I've made mistakes and the only thing positive I can pull from all this, is that I realize how wrong I've been and was able to take the blind fold off. Some friends say "its life brother, just move on", some say "be patient", some say "work on you and your children now". They are all right, but the brick that's in my mouth is hard to swallow.

Thank you all for taking the time to read, any additional advice would be great as I need the encouragement to stay positive in this hard time. Thank you


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Evo

No matter how bad you were as a man and husband your wife is still deep in her affair.

Of course she will not take a chance on you and a future with you when she knows Mr. Right is just around the corner.

But do yourself a favor.

Treat her amicably in a divorce because she is the mother of your children but deal with her like the liar and cheater she is.

Divorce her. 

"let Her Go".

Because until you are gone and she is a single mother will she then most likely miss the father of her children and provider for her family.

Right now she portrays you as the bad guy.

But in the end, she was just as bad if not worse by her sneaking around and adultery.

So you can give her what she wants but then you have to let her go so you can work on being the man you want to be.

Not for her but for yourself.

Because the man who heals and becomes the person he wants to be will be a great score for a lucky woman in the future.

Maybe that will be you maybe not.

For now focus on yourself and your children.

And stop being so nice.

Hm64


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Evo: She has put all the blame on you and now feels exonerated about her affair.

Do you mean to tell me that throughout this entire conversation the other night that you never brought up how she strayed from this marriage and how she is using all the blame to justify her actions?

Good God man.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> Evo: She has put all the blame on you and now feels exonerated about her affair.
> 
> Do you mean to tell me that throughout this entire conversation the other night that *you never brought up how she strayed from this marriage and how she is using all the blame to justify her actions?*
> 
> Good God man.


:scratchhead:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry dude, I don't buy half of what you have written in that mea culpa revisionist story. I know wives who have disowned their family because they didn't "like" their husband. Many of those marriages are stronger than the ones where the "family" had their fingers in everything. 

Selfish is telling you all of this heart breaking "my husband ruined my marriage" bull after she has been caught. Funny how she can be open when she is getting her divorce, her other man, custody, child support and probably alimony. Yet, she couldn't communicate when she "began" to fall out of love. Weird how that 9:30pm to 3:30am communication didn't occur, when you were becoming someone she didn't love.

Isn't it strange that YOU are the only one at fault?

A poor spouse doesn't provide for their wife, become stable, stay loyal and take care of their kids. A poor spouse, cheats, lies, ruins the family and then browbeats a person into depression. Sounds like you grew up, into an adult and she stayed a little selfish child.

I'm to old to be proud of finishing my degrees, but I bet you I was crowing when I did. I'm proud, even at my age, that I can start a stable career that will pay me six figures in a few years. Never EVER let someone beat you down because you bettered yourself. 

Oh and fight for your kids. Any spouse, man or woman, who states they want to stay out until 4, will lose as much custody as possible in my world. Sorry, I'd fight tooth and nail because you aren't going to blame me and live off of my revenue.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, I know affairs are [email protected]#ty but when you call your wife a b#@ch and tell her "you don't do [email protected]#t f#@king [email protected]" is it any wonder she found someone else? As if they'd have a happy marriage if not for this affair. He'd still be perfectly content to treat his wife life dog [email protected] if he knew she wasn't going anywhere. He loves his wife but that's how he talks to her? I feel sorry for him that this is what he thinks love is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, I know affairs are [email protected]#ty but when you call your wife a b#@ch and tell her "you don't do [email protected]#t f#@king [email protected]" is it any wonder she found someone else? As if they'd have a happy marriage if not for this affair. He'd still be perfectly content to treat his wife life dog [email protected] if he knew she wasn't going anywhere. He loves his wife but that's how he talks to her? I feel sorry for him that this is what he thinks love is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I don't think love should be this way, nor am I defending myself either.I take responsibility for verbally, emotionally, and mentally hurting my wife. I have created these thoughts, feelings, and decisions (regarding divorce) for my wife to finally say "that's enough". As far as my "wife" making the decision to be unfaithful to me is unfair and hurtful in a totally different level. But, you are correct when you say I would be perfectly content with the way things are, since I would never think she would ever go anywhere nor think I was wrong. Taking the positive out of this negative situation, I'm glad it happened. I would of never realized all the mistakes nor accept the fact that I caused my "wife", and marriage to fail. 

I spoke to my "wife" this morning and she is 200% sure she will file this Wednesday. After 9 years being together I can't even get closure nor answers to questions that have been on my mind. She acts as if I was her enemy and talks to me with little regard. I find this brick hard to swallow, as I have been accustomed to talking to her, relating, sharing thoughts, and being there for eachother. I continue to bring up the OM, and ask her is she continues to see, talk, or have feelings for him. I know the answers to those question, but I want to hear it from her mouth. But she says " it's not relevant". 

Thanks for your opinion, I agree with what you said. If you love someone you shouldn't treat them, talk to them in a negative way, shape or form.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> She acts as if I was her enemy and talks to me with little regard. I find this brick hard to swallow, as I have been accustomed to talking to her, relating, sharing thoughts, and being there for eachother. I continue to bring up the OM, and ask her is she continues to see, talk, or have feelings for him. I know the answers to those question, but I want to hear it from her mouth. But she says " it's not relevant".


Please, stop, don't do this to yourself, don't allow yourself be further abused. It's what she's doing, abuse you.
Don't believe a word from her mouth. Ignore her, don't ask, don't inquire, don't share, don't engage at all.
Please, implement, live the 180.
If she reaches out..."I'm sorry you feel this way"... "I'm not OK with that".
Start living your life as she doesn't exist, plan your new beggining, she's a ghost.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Please, stop, don't do this to yourself, don't allow yourself be further abused. It's what she's doing, abuse you.
> Don't believe a word from her mouth. Ignore her, don't ask, don't inquire, don't share, don't engage at all.
> Please, implement, live the 180.
> If she reaches out..."I'm sorry you feel this way"... "I'm not OK with that".
> Start living your life as she doesn't exist, plan your new beggining, she's a ghost.


:iagree:

How long are you going to let her walk all over you? You have lost all respect in her eyes.

She is divorcing you because she wants to be with the OM. It's not relevant is not an answer. To hell it isn't relevant.

Stop talking to her. Let her file. Do the 180 and let her go for god's sake.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, I know affairs are [email protected]#ty but when you call your wife a b#@ch and tell her "you don't do [email protected]#t f#@king [email protected]" is it any wonder she found someone else? As if they'd have a happy marriage if not for this affair. He'd still be perfectly content to treat his wife life dog [email protected] if he knew she wasn't going anywhere. He loves his wife but that's how he talks to her? I feel sorry for him that this is what he thinks love is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, evo, you said these things throughout the marriage or when you found out about the affair?


evolution said:


> If you love someone you shouldn't treat them, talk to them in a negative way, shape or form.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wrong. Don't mix verbally abusive with being negative.

My parents did and said some negative things to help me understand my errors. They were never verbally abusive. Yes, there is a difference and no love doesn't matter.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

evolution said:


> No, I don't think love should be this way, nor am I defending myself either.I take responsibility for verbally, emotionally, and mentally hurting my wife. I have created these thoughts, feelings, and decisions (regarding divorce) for my wife to finally say "that's enough". As far as my "wife" making the decision to be unfaithful to me is unfair and hurtful in a totally different level. But, you are correct when you say I would be perfectly content with the way things are, since I would never think she would ever go anywhere nor think I was wrong. Taking the positive out of this negative situation, I'm glad it happened. I would of never realized all the mistakes nor accept the fact that I caused my "wife", and marriage to fail.
> 
> I spoke to my "wife" this morning and she is 200% sure she will file this Wednesday. After 9 years being together I can't even get closure nor answers to questions that have been on my mind. She acts as if I was her enemy and talks to me with little regard. I find this brick hard to swallow, as I have been accustomed to talking to her, relating, sharing thoughts, and being there for eachother. I continue to bring up the OM, and ask her is she continues to see, talk, or have feelings for him. I know the answers to those question, but I want to hear it from her mouth. But she says " it's not relevant".
> 
> ...


Evo, I give you a lot of credit for being so open about how you've behaved. that can't be easy. I guess this touched a nerve with me because my ex was similar in how he treated me. Because of that i'm going to tell you what your wife is thinking here. You don't love her as her own human being with thoughts and feelings, you love her as a prized possession that you now can't have. as long as your needs were met and she didn't inconvenience you with her own needs the marriage worked for you. You maintained control of your possession by keeping the upper hands through emotional abuse. The problem is that kind of control is an illusion, as you're now finding out. You claim to love her but talk is cheap and everything about your actions have made clear to her that not only do you not love her, you don't even particularly like her. Your insistence that you know she still loves you is yet another attempt to bully and control. Besides, love is not enough; women love men that beat the crap out of them all the time, but that doesn't make the relationship a good idea. She may love you but she can't trust you not to abuse her. Let.her.go. work on yourself for no other reason than to become a better person; perhaps she'll see this and reconsider down the road but if not you'll have a much better chance of a healthy relationship with someone else. You are not responsible for her decision to go outside the marriage, i'm just not surprised that it happened. And normally I'd agree with others that it's the primary issue but in this case I really don't; your extreme emotional abuse is the issue. Work on yourself and you can be better, and 
it might even help you to have her out of the picture while you take care of yourself since there's such an unhealthy dynamic here.
ze=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Evolution,

Your own guilt about your marital shortcomings has time after time, derailed your best chance to give her rightful consequences for her cheating. Believe me, I know from first hand experience how incredibly difficult that is to do when you're that distraught and guilt ridden. 

But even if you had done the 180 letter perfect there was no "guarantee" it would have helped her come to her senses. My take is that your wife, like mine, was looking for an exit affair and found one. If exposure had blown up the affair from the OM's end, I think your wife would be back with you now. And "if" you had given her proper consequences, you'd have a chance to gauge her remorse while you attempted R. 

But the if's are now water under the bridge. 

Better late than never for you to implement a proper 180. You need to detach from her, go forward with the D, and STOP letting your guilt override the natural reaction to a cheating wife. Anger. 

Channel that anger to help you do the 180. Remember it is more than anything else, a tool to help you cope with moving toward D. At this point that's what you are faced with and that's where your mindset should be. 

If by some small chance she comes around and shows complete remorse, then you can "consider" postponing it. But don't expect that to happen and stop trying to nice your way back into her good graces. DO THE 180 RIGHT THIS TIME.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Evo, I give you a lot of credit for being so open about how you've behaved. that can't be easy. I guess this touched a nerve with me because my ex was similar in how he treated me. Because of that i'm going to tell you what your wife is thinking here. You don't love her as her own human being with thoughts and feelings, you love her as a prized possession that you now can't have. as long as your needs were met and she didn't inconvenience you with her own needs the marriage worked for you. You maintained control of your possession by keeping the upper hands through emotional abuse. The problem is that kind of control is an illusion, as you're now finding out. You claim to love her but talk is cheap and everything about your actions have made clear to her that not only do you not love her, you don't even particularly like her. Your insistence that you know she still loves you is yet another attempt to bully and control. Besides, love is not enough; women love men that beat the crap out of them all the time, but that doesn't make the relationship a good idea. She may love you but she can't trust you not to abuse her. Let.her.go. work on yourself for no other reason than to become a better person; perhaps she'll see this and reconsider down the road but if not you'll have a much better chance of a healthy relationship with someone else. You are not responsible for her decision to go outside the marriage, i'm just not surprised that it happened. And normally I'd agree with others that it's the primary issue but in this case I really don't; your extreme emotional abuse is the issue. Work on yourself and you can be better, and
> it might even help you to have her out of the picture while you take care of yourself since there's such an unhealthy dynamic here.
> ze=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


It was never a constant verbal abuse, or something of regular occurrence. It was 6 out 10 times we would argue or disagree where both of our emotions would get the best of us, mainly me. I spoke to her this morning again to possibly persuade her choice different and saving the marriage. She said "she already checked out a long time ago, and out the door." Very firm she stood, as she told me that she wanted to continue to process the "D". 

When I told her that "she still continues to love me", I feel that after 9 years together can you really fall out of love that easy to say such a thing without being defensive? My fault out of emotion to say such a thing, but when I expressed that I love her from the day we first met to today. I told her I am still committed to our marriage, and respect her. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Have I realized that I hurt my wife and caused her to walk out the door? Yes. I told her today that I would be a loving and supporting partner through this hard time, even though she wants out. 

The thing that kills me is that she can talk about the "D" and say "I love you, but I am not in love with you" with a straight face. To tell me to focus on other things, and move on. How do you do that after the bomb just dropped and exploded on my heart? The answer is time, but unfortunately emotions about the situation are felt right now. For some odd reason I feel that she needs this (Divorce) to clear her mind and actually find what she wants. Time will only tell I guess, but staying focused on myself is so hard when your family, finances, memories, are stripped and your the only one left to repair the damage.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Evolution,
> If by some small chance she comes around and shows complete remorse, then you can "consider" postponing it. But don't expect that to happen and stop trying to nice your way back into her good graces. DO THE 180 RIGHT THIS TIME.


Don't expect anything to happen, is right. I need a miracle and the big guy upstairs to shed some light on her heart. But, doing the 180 right this time is right course of action to take.

Thanks!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

evolution said:


> It was never a constant verbal abuse, or something of regular occurrence. It was 6 out 10 times we would argue or disagree where both of our emotions would get the best of us, mainly me. I spoke to her this morning again to possibly persuade her choice different and saving the marriage. She said "she already checked out a long time ago, and out the door." Very firm she stood, as she told me that she wanted to continue to process the "D".
> 
> When I told her that "she still continues to love me", I feel that after 9 years together can you really fall out of love that easy to say such a thing without being defensive? My fault out of emotion to say such a thing, but when I expressed that I love her from the day we first met to today. I told her I am still committed to our marriage, and respect her. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Have I realized that I hurt my wife and caused her to walk out the door? Yes. I told her today that I would be a loving and supporting partner through this hard time, even though she wants out.
> 
> ...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, basically, you both were verbally abusive during arguments and she cheated instead of talking or leaving?

Sounds like you both were to toxic for each other, but it doesn't excuse her disloyalty nor her browbeating. Since you are determined to accept all fault, it is doubtful she will reconcile. It may be time for you to move on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So youtreat your wife like crap and she deals with it by finding some one else........

It would have been nice of her to inform you so many months ago, but instead she keeps on hiding it only for you to find out on your own that she found someone else.

Its a shame she couldn't tell you months ago to go pound sand and leave the marriage!

Its a shame your Wife took the easy way out and decieved you instead of putting her big girl pants and and face her unhealthy marriage by leaving it with honor instead of deciet.

If you think about it, your wife would have been content living in a crappy marriage as long as she could have sex with other men. Now how healthy is that kind of behavior?

Its been a while, have you followed up on your STD tests......did you even get an STD test done?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just saying if she has the capacity to cheat on her husband, there is a soldid chance that she would cheat on her boyfriend with an ONS/strange!


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

I spoke with my wife this morning and we finally came to an agreement on our finances, children, living conditions, and etc regarding our divorce. But before we settled on an agreement, I mentioned the possibility of paying off some debt to make room for the support I will be paying, then splitting the money in our savings account (she would be using the money to get an apartment, and a used vehicle). She freaked out! a two way street became a 1 way highway with a mack truck heading in my direction. I freaked out and got upset that she shut me down as she walked away. She said she didn't want to deal with me, and have the court figure it out just to sum it up. I followed her around the house trying to reason with her and she was just not having it. I expressed my frustration and asked why we couldn't negotiate and for her to understand I was concerned about paying the debt off to be able to pay for the support. She then decided it would be best to continue to pack some clothing and to stay at her grandmothers house as staying home wouldn't be ideal. I reasoned and pleaded with her once more, but she held firm and furious. 

I finally had an emotional break down that I've never experienced before. I ran upstairs to our bedroom with a family picture and locked the door. I could not help myself but to cry hysterically and ask myself why is this happening to me? She ran upstairs and unlocked the door to console me from a distance but I shut down and didn't want her near me whatsoever. I got up and went to the bathroom and locked the door once more, she tried once again to help me pull myself together but I wanted her out of my life. I didn't want to look at her nor hear her voice as doing so would only hurt my heart more. After about 30 minutes to myself, I snapped out of my break down and came down stairs to continue to move furniture and threw up the "I give up flag", something I've never done in my life. I gave up and told her to do what she must do that I...quit. I wanted her out of my life and I told her I didn't want to talk, text, or see her at all. I said its my way of coping with this pain of losing my wife, children (not seeing them when I come home, wake up, and etc), finances, and all the hard work we've built throughout the years. Its just devastating to accept...

She tried to be encouraging by telling me to be strong for our daughters and to focus on me with a straight face. I told my wife "easy to say and hard to do, especially when you love someone with all your heart." I told her, I hope you're never in my shoes to feel the person you love is calling it quits and ready to move on without you, and you cant do nothing about it. I told my wife, its extremely hard for me to listen to her when she says she wants to divorce as fast as possible so it doesn't get dragged on, change her last name, and focus on herself and not worry about relying on other peoples (me) feelings to be hurt she says. 

Have I violated and mistreated her and her feelings...Yes. Do I deserve everything that is happening to me? Yes, I do. Not because of emotional guilt, but more because I was blinded and thought my marriage was fantastic, and the thought that my wife was happy...boy I was wrong. 

I did speak to her about the "friend" she has a.k.a OM. I told her about the watch she bought and was wearing, which signified what the "OM" likes and how she feels about him. I told her I hated the watch and etc. I told her everything that was going on between them two, he wasn't considered a friend especially knowing your a MARRIED woman! She said that besides them being long time friends, he has strong feelings for my wife and "emotionally" understands her and gives her the...I guess attention, emotional support, makes her feel good (non sexual I hope), and everything else I lacked in my marriage. However, she says she doesn't feel the same way that he does, unless she is lying and doesn't want to break my heart. She admitted that she had an EA at first, then PA which she says "she couldn't commit and told him to stop before it got any further". She feels that by being with her "friend" and giving him in return this emotional affair fills in the voids of hurt that she is going through or currently feels by having him tell her what she wants to hear. She has also told me that she is trying to flush me out, to get me out of her system. She is in a different stage of an emotional wreck I believe, do I approve of the actions...No. But the root of the problem was me driving her to such lengths. 

Before I left to pick up my daughter from school, I hugged and squeezed my wife one last time. I gave her a kiss on the cheek twice, I also told her that I loved her and that I was sorry for everything (for us being at this point in our lives). I told her that the way I felt when I first fell in love with her is the same feeling I have now...It never changed, it just got stronger. I walked away looking at her face, she appeared hurt inside. I told myself that I would give her the space, time, and the absolute distance away from her to get my emotions out of the emergency room. I asked her if this never worked out and this is truly the end, would she know in her heart that I tried and gave it all I have? she said "yes"

With all that said and as days go by I tend to feel a couple centimeters closer to better. I feel that I have done what I could to save my marriage, show my wife my love for her, and continue to be as supportive as I can be. At this point I have no choice but to open the door and let time be my friend, and hope we cross paths again someday. Thanks for everyone giving your opinions and support, which has helped me a lot. I think I'll be cruising over to the Divorce section after this lol


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

evolution said:


> I spoke with my wife this morning and we finally came to an agreement on our finances, children, living conditions, and etc regarding our divorce. But before we settled on an agreement, I mentioned the possibility of paying off some debt to make room for the support I will be paying, then splitting the money in our savings account (she would be using the money to get an apartment, and a used vehicle). She freaked out! a two way street became a 1 way highway with a mack truck heading in my direction. I freaked out and got upset that she shut me down as she walked away. She said she didn't want to deal with me, and have the court figure it out just to sum it up. I followed her around the house trying to reason with her and she was just not having it. I expressed my frustration and asked why we couldn't negotiate and for her to understand I was concerned about paying the debt off to be able to pay for the support. She then decided it would be best to continue to pack some clothing and to stay at her grandmothers house as staying home wouldn't be ideal. I reasoned and pleaded with her once more, but she held firm and furious.
> 
> I finally had an emotional break down that I've never experienced before. I ran upstairs to our bedroom with a family picture and locked the door. I could not help myself but to cry hysterically and ask myself why is this happening to me? She ran upstairs and unlocked the door to console me from a distance but I shut down and didn't want her near me whatsoever. I got up and went to the bathroom and locked the door once more, she tried once again to help me pull myself together but I wanted her out of my life. I didn't want to look at her nor hear her voice as doing so would only hurt my heart more. After about 30 minutes to myself, I snapped out of my break down and came down stairs to continue to move furniture and threw up the "I give up flag", something I've never done in my life. I gave up and told her to do what she must do that I...quit. I wanted her out of my life and I told her I didn't want to talk, text, or see her at all. I said its my way of coping with this pain of losing my wife, children (not seeing them when I come home, wake up, and etc), finances, and all the hard work we've built throughout the years. Its just devastating to accept...
> 
> ...


Sorry man, no offense but you did this all wrong. 

You looked weak and were weak. Sorry but the way you behaved is how you end the marriage not save it. 
Unfortunately, you have to let it go to get it back. That's not what you did. You begged and pleaded and she has to deal with you for now but can't wait to get away from you.

Trust me I know, I was in her shoes and my wife won me back by staying cool and doing a smooth 180. It made me see her in a better light and think to myself "hey, this is the woman I married not the totally emotionally dependant psychological leech i though I was married to now"
I went back, she took me. (No cheating on my part, by the way) after I got recommitted she kicked my a$$ for all the pain I caused.

But if she begged, I would have run screaming!

Get control of you emotions!
Your anger before you realized you lost her, now your self pity and hurt since she is leaving you For OM. Trust me, no matter what she says, she is leaving you for the OM. Reel this sh!t in and get control before its signed and done!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EVo

You have to let her go.

It is the hardest thing to do. By trying to work it out, save the marriage and be amicable is to actually chase her away.

You cannot compete with the OM in her fog induced euphoria.

Divorce her. Go dark on her as bet you can.

Only discuss the divorce, finances or kids.

Because until you o this your wife will never truly know what her life will be like with you not in it.


Stop being weak in front of her. 

It only makes her respect you less.

You need to fake it till you make it.

Work on you now.

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Some folks come here for advice and take it. Some just come here to vent.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

dogman said:


> But if she begged, I would have run screaming!
> 
> Get control of you emotions!
> 
> Your anger before you realized you lost her, now your self pity and hurt since she is leaving you For OM. Trust me, no matter what she says, she is leaving you for the OM. Reel this sh!t in and get control before its signed and done!


Since you were on the opposite end, how does begging, pleading, and showing you their actual love for you cause(d) you to run away from the person? I ask because i've never experienced or been in that position to where I wanted to "run away" from the person.

Im getting myself together, I think having the break down kind of helped me out to release the bottled in hurt that i've been feeling. I try not to think about her as much as I can, because when I do my mind starts to think about the OM and if she's with him, and etc. I know thats bad but when I do start to think, I just stop and entertain myself with something else.

Thanks, I will be awaiting your feed back.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> EVo
> 
> You have to let her go.
> 
> ...


Thank you HappyMan64 for reading my lame story and for being supportive.I appreciate your advice, and I have no choice now but to go dark on her.

How does that work? when a person pours their heart out and you look weak, lost respect, and a fool in the end? I could never wrap myself around that.

Thanks


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Evolution I think it's easy for us to just say stop being weak, man up, grow some balls..all the cliches in the world. People handle things differently, I doubt many here that were betrayed handled everything perfectly and came out of it smelling like roses. So don't stress that, what is done is done.

She looks at you with pity. A broken man, weeping. It may hurt her somewhere, she may want to console you with hugs and kisses but that would be cheating on OM, so she consoles you from a distance. OM now has higher rank than you. The focus of her desires and passion. He's sitting wherever he is strong and secure, he is her rock, her security to fall back on, which made it all the more easier for her to detach so she could proceed with the divorce.

As long as you *BEG*, *PLEAD*, *CRY*, *BEING OBSTINATE*, you only ensure giving OM more higher ranking while yours continues to fall.

If reconciliation is your goal ask yourself..why would she want to be someone even after 9 years who has no fight..not even for himself. Screw fighting for her, she's gone, fight for you!

It stops being about her right now. You stop following her. You stop pleading and asking for her approval. You discuss things as equals for here on in..and you absolutely take no more sh*t.

You were both abusive to each other but she cheated..no excuses. Part of her may enjoy the kicking she's giving while you're down..time to stand up and be a wall. She won't enjoy kicking that.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Some folks come here for advice and take it. Some just come here to vent.


In my case, I do both. I try to take the advice given but find it hard to do. As far as venting, I come here because no friend, co-worker, family member that I know of can even relate nor give sound advice. This is by far the best place to do both and have people like yourself give a helping hand to others like in my case have never gone through this devastating time.

Thank you though


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

evolution said:


> Since you were on the opposite end, how does begging, pleading, and showing you their actual love for you cause(d) you to run away from the person? I ask because i've never experienced or been in that position to where I wanted to "run away" from the person.


I've been on that side of the fence. 

She no longer loves you so you chasing her is like an unwanted stalker. She doesn't want you to love her anymore; it makes you look sad and pathetic. You are an annoyance to her.

She only cares about her feelings, not yours. She sees you as being selfish for want her to stay even though she made it clear that’s not what she wants.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Evolution I think it's easy for us to just say stop being weak, man up, grow some balls..all the cliches in the world. People handle things differently, I doubt many here that were betrayed handled everything perfectly and came out of it smelling like roses. So don't stress that, what is done is done.
> 
> She looks at you with pity. A broken man, weeping. It may hurt her somewhere, she may want to console you with hugs and kisses but that would be cheating on OM, so she consoles you from a distance. OM now has higher rank than you. The focus of her desires and passion. He's sitting wherever he is strong and secure, he is her rock, her security to fall back on, which made it all the more easier for her to detach so she could proceed with the divorce.
> 
> ...


This is what I wanted to hear. Your right, everything stops being about her now and what "we" had together. Very difficult to process and to forget, but I must start somewhere. Showing my cards to her and letting her know im extremely vulnerable was the worst thing for me to do, I made it that much easier for her to make her moves while I stood still waiting and wishing. Its time for me to "stand up and be a wall" for my own sake.

Thank you, I appreciate your advice and it made me feel 10x better. I think that's what I needed to hear right now.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I've been on that side of the fence.
> 
> She no longer loves you so you chasing her is like an unwanted stalker. She doesn't want you to love her anymore; it makes you look sad and pathetic. You are an annoyance to her.
> 
> She only cares about her feelings, not yours. She sees you as being selfish for want her to stay even though she made it clear that’s not what she wants.


"unwanted stalker", is a good example. I never saw it that way before. Of course, I would run too as far as possible too. How did your story turn out? did she eventually stop? and did you reconcile?

Thanks for sharing


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

This should be stickied under "Things not to do"

OP, hope you don't take offense but you are doing it absolutely wrong. You probably had a very small chance to repair this marriage but you destroyed it by being extremely naive, weak and gullible. You don't realize it but breaking up with her is the best thing that could happen to you right now, especially with the frame of mind you are in.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> :banghead::banghead::banghead:
> 
> This should be stickied under "Things not to do"
> 
> OP, hope you don't take offense but you are doing it absolutely wrong. You probably had a very small chance to repair this marriage but you destroyed it by being extremely naive, weak and gullible. You don't realize it but breaking up with her is the best thing that could happen to you right now, especially with the frame of mind you are in.


I see now what you mean. There was a point where I was ok with everything and because her emotions came out I felt that I didnt want to give up my marriage when there was something still there. I was at a cross roads and had two options... turn right and work on our marriage, kids, life together or turn left and walk alone on that road to where ever it may lead. I was ok turning left, until I was convinced and felt the right thing to do was to turn right. By the time I made my right turn and caught up to my wife, she made a u-turn and left me behind by myself.

I guess these are just experiences we just live and learn as we go. But I love reading and hearing outsiders views at things, because it gives me a different view of things that would take me years to understand and realize.

Thank you friend.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

evolution said:


> Since you were on the opposite end, how does begging, pleading, and showing you their actual love for you cause(d) you to run away from the person? I ask because i've never experienced or been in that position to where I wanted to "run away" from the person.
> 
> Im getting myself together, I think having the break down kind of helped me out to release the bottled in hurt that i've been feeling. I try not to think about her as much as I can, because when I do my mind starts to think about the OM and if she's with him, and etc. I know thats bad but when I do start to think, I just stop and entertain myself with something else.
> 
> Thanks, I will be awaiting your feed back.


Hi Evo, part of the problem is that she most likely is ready to disconnect from you. Part of that process is to limit the emotional responsibility to you, hence breakup and move out. 
You being emotional, is a hassle to her. She has to deal with it but can't wait to fully disconnect/ get away.

You need to be an emotionally stable man who knows who he is and what he needs. 
In sales they call it the take away. On TAM they call it the 180. 
You pull away and show that you'll not only survive but you will thrive without her. This will make her second guess herself and start to see you like she did when she fell in love with you.

It also helps you recover your self esteem and prepare for the worst if it goes that way.

This gives you a fighting chance to win her back. If that's what you want. 

For me, my wife was exhausting me. If she begged and pleaded we'd be divorced now.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Evolution Sorry my brother that you are hear It seems al the advice given to you was counterintuitive so it was hard to follow the advice. As one expert said “if the captain of the Titanic actually increased the ships speed they would have been able to avoid the iceberg”.
So given what you know now be aware that she is gone. For your future my young friend, work on your level of self-esteem. Raise it to the point of the apex .Then never hold anybody in a level higher than yours with the exception of your parents.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> The ILYBINILWY happens when someone is emotionally checked out; it doesn't mean she has absolutely no feelings for you at all, you are the father of her children after all.


When my wife told me that "ILYBINILWY" a couple posts before this, I told her that she does love me. I didn't mean for it to come off as bullying or controlling. I wanted to let her know that her wall can come down (stupid me to think that, right?), that I understand the mistakes I made, the words I said, what my marriage is worth, and what she absolutely means to me. Was it a little too late? yes, but arriving late is better than not showing up at all, agree? At that time I didn't know how severe our relationship was and that she already checked out a long time ago. I thought she was just saying that to hurt me, but I never thought I was hurting her for a long time now.



> you know the phase "three sides: your side, my side, and the truth somewhere in the middle".


It's funny you say this, because in the beginning all I can process was my side, until I found that I couldn't get the answers with just my side. So I researched online (T.A.M); I put myself in her shoes, I traced back old messages of ours to see where we went wrong, I went through her phone messages with the OM to see what sparked her interest or what I lacked in; I even asked her questions that I eventually heard from her. It took a while to process her side and understand where she was coming from. But in the end its the "truth somewhere in the middle" that means the most to me .The truth in the middle being how she feels about us, how hurt she is, does she continue to love me but feels that I will hurt her again, her hopes that she had for us, and everything and anything. Some people go on with their lives and never get to find the truth that was in the middle, it might of changed something or open an opportunity one didn't have before. 



> Also remember that you two are at very different point in the grieving process; she has been checked out and contemplating this for a long time while you are just beginning to process it.That really is something that only time can heal.


Amazing, that when I had my wife I didn't realize that she's been grieving for a long time. Yet, I just began the process and cant hide it as good as she did. Its funny you say that we are at two different points in the grieving process. I happen to read and see this video Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube and she talks about the exact situation that I am in. I only wished that my wife would have done something different for me to realize her pain, emotional hurt, and her thought of giving up on our marriage other than where we're at today. I can only hope she sees this video and takes it to heart someday like I have.



> Nobody gets married imagining things will fall apart. I'm just sorry that she didn't tell you directly that the marriage was in jeopardy much earlier; how do you think you would have reacted to that?


I would have never imagined things would ever fall apart...ever. I could only think about the things I had planned to do with her, or give her like our upcoming 5 year anniversary to renew our wedding vows on the beach with the wedding dress and the upgrade on the ring. That was just a small portion of things I had planned. If she would of actually found a way to tell me (not blaming her at all, damage is already done) that our marriage was in jeopardy, I would have taken the blind fold off and realized everything I do now and taken it very serious and she knows that. I wouldn't dare lose my wife; family, kids, memories (past, present, or future), everything we built together when we had nothing, through the good times and the bad, I wouldn't want to lose her or any of it because I didn't take it serious. I 100% believe in my heart that she knows that if she would of told me that she got this point in her life I would have moved heaven and earth to save our marriage guaranteed.



> At this point I can only suggest that you get help for your anger, let her go to clear her head, and see how the future goes, while moving on with your life.


At this point I've let her go already... I hate to say that, because it sounds like I gave up. But being handcuffed with no tools or options to even try has made it hard. When I look at her, I look at the wall she has up for her safety, the wall being as tall as Mount Everest. I look up, and find it impossible to climb, but I shake my head (for my mistakes) and begin to climb. I let her go and im letting time pass for the both of us. I will continue to climb that mountain, I can only hope I see her at the top one day.


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## evolution (Mar 31, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Evolution Sorry my brother that you are hear It seems al the advice given to you was counterintuitive so it was hard to follow the advice. As one expert said “if the captain of the Titanic actually increased the ships speed they would have been able to avoid the iceberg”.
> So given what you know now be aware that she is gone. For your future my young friend, work on your level of self-esteem. Raise it to the point of the apex .Then never hold anybody in a level higher than yours with the exception of your parents.


Thank you for your comment. To raise my level of self-esteem to the point of the apex is what im working on, slowly but surely my dear friend. Thank you for reading my story.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

evolution said:


> Thank you HappyMan64 for reading my lame story and for being supportive.I appreciate your advice, and I have no choice now but to go dark on her.
> 
> How does that work? when a person pours their heart out and you look weak, lost respect, and a fool in the end? I could never wrap myself around that.
> 
> Thanks


Evo you can start now doing this or later. If you do it now you are being proactive.

If you do it later because you are left with no other choice you are being protective of your last shred of your self.

So do it now.

It might seem to be the last thing you want to do but believe me it I the only thing you should do right now.


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