# How to deal with jealosy of my fiance's students?



## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

My fiance is a University professor and he likes to be perceived as a "cool professor" and also helps the students apply for scholarships outside class, this last part is not his duty but he does it because he wants.
Lately this situation is making me feel jealous especially when I see young girls dressed provocatively around him or when I hear the stories he tells me to the point that I wish he had another job.
How do you think I should deal with this?

His stories are about his colleges flirting with students. And how his students love him. Like for example he told me one girl nearly cried in his class because it’s the end of the year so they will not do anymore lessons with him.
He told her that she can come to his class next year too. He also tells me how some students were dressed provocatively. And an email a student sent him saying something like thank you professor you’re so good and smiling emoji. I think he loves the attention and being a “cool professor”.

These girls are acting inappropriately and immature. Their clothes alone are very inappropriate for university. His stories are also about his colleges flirting and he also suspects sleeping with students. He also tells me that some students are sluts and make him uncomfortable because of the way they dress.
He tells me without me asking.

My reaction is trying to play it cool at first, but it’s difficult to hide my feelings forever.

I’m not comfortable to tell him that there's something that bothers me because he isn’t doing something which can be considered as cheating. What can I tell him that I want to change if there isn’t anything he’s doing? I worry about the fact that all our lives he will be a professor and when I’m older too.

Some girls will try to seduce a professor just for the grade. And they dress very provocatively in a way that no one in a job place dresses.

When I knew my fiance he was a nerd phd student. He was shy and didn't know his value. 

I still look good but I worry about the future as men like 20 something girls no matter their age. 

Students are so irresponsible wear short tops showing their belly in class and shorts. No one dresses at a job like that. Not married coworkers. And he is in a position of power and needs to give them grades. Every year has the possibility to know new young girls. We all know that the more successful a man is the more women want him. But with his job this is out of proportions. It would be far better for me if he had another job. I’m suffering.

I think I have a reason to worry otherwise I would be jealous of his coworkers too or any other young woman he sees on the street, but I'm jealous only about students. It’s also his position as a professor. Girls might flirt just for the grade. And most women genuinely like older men and in a position of power. If he wasn’t their professor they probably wouldn’t even notice him.

I'm not considering asking him to leave his job. I know it's impossible as he worked hard to be a professor and was a straight A student and always wanted to become a professor. And likes it so much to be a "cool professor". It's just hard for me. 
it will be easier if he was doing another job and didn't have this temptation.

I don’t know how to trust him. He at least should not tell me these stories. I never tell him when when someone tries to flirt with me or anything that can make him jealous.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Perhaps reconsider marriage to this person?

He seems to enjoy all this, and he’s baiting you.

It’s not going to get better.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think you should end the relationship. He’s not going to leave his job and he seems like he’s into the power and flirting. If it bugs you now, move on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This situation could end badly for both of you. If he’s accused of inappropriate behaviour (And him helping students out of hours leaves him open to this) he could be fired. He could then be sued and if you are married to him you could lose your home. 
This cool professor needs to cut out the flirting and him telling you that other colleagues are sleeping with students is a red flag. He is trying to play it off as commonplace but he’s actually gaslighting. 
You don’t give his age which will affect the advice you get.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> This situation could end badly for both of you. If he’s accused of inappropriate behaviour (And him helping students out of hours leaves him open to this) he could be fired. He could then be sued and if you are married to him you could lose your home.
> This cool professor needs to cut out the flirting and him telling you that other colleagues are sleeping with students is a red flag. He is trying to play it off as commonplace but he’s actually gaslighting.
> You don’t give his age which will affect the advice you get.


He’s 33. I don’t think he would’ve get fired as he’s not doing something that crosses the line


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How do you know that?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He’s 33. I don’t think he would’ve get fired as he’s not doing something that crosses the line


If he's telling those provocatively sexual stories and describing them physically and scantily clad hot bods.....
He might be, and this is I'm sure a stretch but he might be working up to inviting a college girl to join you both for an evening play time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He’s 33. I don’t think he would’ve get fired as he’s not doing something that crosses the line


Read what I wrote again. 
I said that if he’s ACCUSED of inappropriate behaviour. Him meeting students outside of school hours leaves him open to this.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> How do you know that?


How do I know what?


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he's telling those provocatively sexual stories and describing them physically and scantily clad hot bods.....
> He might be, and this is I'm sure a stretch but he might be working up to inviting a college girl to join you both for an evening play time.


I like to talk about what I know, not worry about what could potentially happen


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I like to talk about what I know, not worry about what could potentially happen


There's a little of both in evaluation.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Read what I wrote again.
> I said that if he’s ACCUSED of inappropriate behaviour. Him meeting students outside of school hours leaves him open to this.


I think at the maximum he will meet them at his office.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There's a little of both in evaluation.


Yeah, some things are really strange. Crying about you will not have anymore lessons with a professor? It seemed too weird when he told me this. 
It reminded me of Rasputin. I read in the book "The art of seduction" that he would talk to women about religion then slept with them. My fiance teaches English and likes to talk about literature. Here's the particular passage from the book: 

"Over the next few months, women from every level of St. Petersburg society visited Rasputin in his apartment. He would talk to them of spiritual matters, but then without warning he would turn sexual, murmuring the crassest come-ons. He would justify himself through spiritual dogma: how can you repent if you have not sinned? Salvation only comes to those who go astray. One of the few who rejected his advances was asked by a friend, "How can one refuse anything to a saint?" "Does a saint need sinful love?" she replied. Her friend said, "He makes everything that comes near him holy. I have already belonged to him, and I am proud and happy to have done so." "But you are married! What does your husband say?" "He considers it a very great honor. If Rasputin desires a woman we all think it a blessing and a distinction, our husbands as well as ourselves." "

It seems funny and creepy at the same time.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think you have to talk to him about how you feel. Hopefully that will cause him to stop telling you these things. It should also help him to maybe not be so helpful & available to the young ladies. The appearance of impropriety alone is problematic & could have a negative impact on his career. Remind him of that. 

On some levels it's a bit of bragging. He likes the ego boost he gets from having the young women flirt with him & he doesn't see the damage he causes to you when he tells you about it. Subconsciously he tells you to reaffirm in his mind that he is attractive & worthy of you. You see the man he is now -- powerful & well respected. Inside he's still the insecure nerdy grad student. This is his way of reminding himself that he's sexy.

That said the fact that you are sooooo harshly judgmental of the students' outfits tells me this won't end well for you. If he does stray you will blame the hot coed not the professor / husband who didn't have enough sense to steer clear of a student. 

Deep down you don't trust him. Without trust, there can be no healthy relationship. Get this addressed & straightened out BEFORE you marry him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Your boyfriend's a real egotistical creep, isn't he? He's ALL about the constant attention and bragging to you about it after it happens.

I was with a fool who was JUST like this - always hit on by the ladies and his damned ego *constantly* had to be fed by any woman on earth - every second of every day. Truth was, he was very insecure (only a very few of us got to see that side) but he always came off as Mr. Wonderful and lapped up the attention from the ladies. It grew VERY VERY old for me, and I suspected this constant need for attention and validation was likely driving him to cheat and when I did some investigating, I found out I was right. I kicked his ass OUT the door and never looked back.

I find it hysterical that he acts like all these women are she-devil sluts and w*hores. 🙄 Just because he offers these statements without you asking doesn't mean squat. I'd be willing to bet these purposeful random statements denigrating these women are designed to make YOU feel better so you have no worries or suspicions. The guy isn't an idiot, OP. He may be ignorant in his behavior, but he's not an idiot. There's a reason he makes these statements and they're for YOUR benefit.

Why on EARTH you would even consider marrying someone like this is beyond me. If he hasn't already crossed the line, there is NO DOUBT that he will. He gets off on female attention and right now, he's getting off on letting you know how 'wanted' he is. As time goes on, you'll hear about it less because he'll be into very shady behavior and not want to call your attention to certain women. But you'll still hear about other ladies hitting on him..just not as much.

He's as predictable as it gets.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

green_eyed_girl said:


> _*I like to talk about what I know, not worry about what could potentially happen*_



Your naivete is going to get you steamrolled.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I think you have to talk to him about how you feel. Hopefully that will cause him to stop telling you these things. It should also help him to maybe not be so helpful & available to the young ladies. The appearance of impropriety alone is problematic & could have a negative impact on his career. Remind him of that.
> 
> On some levels it's a bit of bragging. He likes the ego boost he gets from having the young women flirt with him & he doesn't see the damage he causes to you when he tells you about it. Subconsciously he tells you to reaffirm in his mind that he is attractive & worthy of you. You see the man he is now -- powerful & well respected. Inside he's still the insecure nerdy grad student. This is his way of reminding himself that he's sexy.
> 
> ...





green_eyed_girl said:


> Yeah, some things are really strange. Crying about you will not have anymore lessons with a professor? It seemed too weird when he told me this.
> It reminded me of Rasputin. I read in the book "The art of seduction" that he would talk to women about religion then slept with them. My fiance teaches English and likes to talk about literature. Here's the particular passage from the book:
> 
> "Over the next few months, women from every level of St. Petersburg society visited Rasputin in his apartment. He would talk to them of spiritual matters, but then without warning he would turn sexual, murmuring the crassest come-ons. He would justify himself through spiritual dogma: how can you repent if you have not sinned? Salvation only comes to those who go astray. One of the few who rejected his advances was asked by a friend, "How can one refuse anything to a saint?" "Does a saint need sinful love?" she replied. Her friend said, "He makes everything that comes near him holy. I have already belonged to him, and I am proud and happy to have done so." "But you are married! What does your husband say?" "He considers it a very great honor. If Rasputin desires a woman we all think it a blessing and a distinction, our husbands as well as ourselves." "
> ...


i thought the fact that he tells me what happened is a sign that he trusts me


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

green_eyed_girl said:


> i thought the fact that he tells me what happened is a sign that he trusts me


Oh honey... No. It means he's testing your reaction. At best, he likes your jealousy. At worst, he's telling on himself because it's really him who is flirting and sleeping with these girls. There is a whole lot of smoke here for there to be no fire. If you fully trusted everything he was telling you, you wouldn't have needed to post here, right? You wouldn't care and wouldn't feel threatened by this, right? So something deep inside you knows that this isn't right and if he keeps this up, it will cost you your relationship.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> i thought the fact that he tells me what happened is a sign that he trusts me


Or that he doesn't think it will make you suspicious and is pumping is own ego. In some twisted way I think he feels like telling you all these other people love him will make you love him more. It sounds like he is an attention ***** and likes to brag about it. To me the question isn't if, but when will it to go further than compliments and students just fawning over him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re in for a difficult time because he’s not changing. I’d rethink what life with him will be like after decades of this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

green_eyed_girl said:


> Yeah, some things are really strange. Crying about you will not have anymore lessons with a professor? It seemed too weird when he told me this.
> It reminded me of Rasputin. I read in the book "The art of seduction" that he would talk to women about religion then slept with them. My fiance teaches English and likes to talk about literature. Here's the particular passage from the book:
> 
> "Over the next few months, women from every level of St. Petersburg society visited Rasputin in his apartment. He would talk to them of spiritual matters, but then without warning he would turn sexual, murmuring the crassest come-ons. He would justify himself through spiritual dogma: how can you repent if you have not sinned? Salvation only comes to those who go astray. One of the few who rejected his advances was asked by a friend, "How can one refuse anything to a saint?" "Does a saint need sinful love?" she replied. Her friend said, "He makes everything that comes near him holy. I have already belonged to him, and I am proud and happy to have done so." "But you are married! What does your husband say?" "He considers it a very great honor. If Rasputin desires a woman we all think it a blessing and a distinction, our husbands as well as ourselves." "
> ...


What's a tad off is you have this loooonnngg Rasputin excerpt right at hand.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What's a tad off is you have this loooonnngg Rasputin excerpt right at hand.


I found it on the book pdf it’s available on google


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What's a tad off is you have this loooonnngg Rasputin excerpt right at hand.


You said long and Rasputin 😂😂😂


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

People here tend to jump to the worst possible conclusions but that’s just the nature of the beast. Many here have been cheated on so that’s their understandably natural assumption.

Your fiancé may actually be overall a good stand up guy. He probably wants to be cool because he’d been a nerd student his whole life. Enjoying some attention from young attractive coeds doesn’t make him bad it just makes him human. Now having said all that he needs to do a better job of setting boundaries. It’s just the nature of the job that a college professor is going to be around young women. It’s just up to him how he’s going to handle that. He needs to stop talking about it to you though. It’s one thing to observe other women paying attention to your man but completely different for him to bring it up. If we are out and my wife observes another woman flirting with me it makes her a little horny because it validates in her mind that she has a good guy. She doesn’t like it though if I come home from work and just casually mention some nurse was hitting on me. He needs boundaries with his students and to know when to shut up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like he enjoys making you jealous. I know how professors talk about their students, and I also know some of them will have affairs with them. Maybe they wait until they're not in their class or maybe they wait until they graduate. Whatever. They are men and most men think young women are the hottest women, so only you know how good your husband's ethics are, because that is the only thing to stop him or any of them. 

Long time ago a friend of mine I would talk to on the phone who was a professor in L.A. and was married would tell me about his stalker, an Asian student, and it had been going on forever. I am sympathetic to people with stalkers because been there, but over time, I found out he was just encouraging her and letting her in his life, in his home, etc. And I also found out he had a thing for Asian girls in general. His wife wasn't one, but they were married a long time. Not sure they stayed married. All this was too much for me to want to keep being his friend. 

Have an old flame who was one of the best looking men and most interesting I've ever known. But the time he was a professor and then dean, he was covering his handsome face with an ugly beard, but he would still tell me stories about the students, and I had known him for 30 years off and on, so I knew what that little turned up smirk of his lip meant. He clearly was into one of them. But at least he was single at the time. His method of flirting with her was to give her a hard time. I don't know if he ever acted on it. I'm thinking maybe not her yet but probably others. 

Seems like there's a girl with a crush in every class, so male professors get plenty of validation if they have anything at all going for them. 

Whether professors get away with it all depends on the tenor of that particular school, whether they turn a blind eye or if people report it, etc. But what you have to worry about is whether he has enough ethics to be faithful or not. With him throwing it in your face, I can't really tell. But I wouldn't like that. Does he consider you his best friend? I mean, could he literally be telling you all there is, or do you get the sense he's baiting you to make you jealous and build up his own ego?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> i thought the fact that he tells me what happened is a sign that he trusts me


Wrong. The problem isn't that he trusts you. It's whether you trust him & you clearly don't.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like he enjoys making you jealous. I know how professors talk about their students, and I also know some of them will have affairs with them. Maybe they wait until they're not in their class or maybe they wait until they graduate. Whatever. They are men and most men think young women are the hottest women, so only you know how good your husband's ethics are, because that is the only thing to stop him or any of them.
> 
> Long time ago a friend of mine I would talk to on the phone who was a professor in L.A. and was married would tell me about his stalker, an Asian student, and it had been going on forever. I am sympathetic to people with stalkers because been there, but over time, I found out he was just encouraging her and letting her in his life, in his home, etc. And I also found out he had a thing for Asian girls in general. His wife wasn't one, but they were married a long time. Not sure they stayed married. All this was too much for me to want to keep being his friend.
> 
> ...


He told me once a professor at his university was expelled because he had some kind of relationship with a student. He say “why didn’t he wait until she graduated?!”. This made my fear worse. So this is what he would do if he was in this professor’s place?! I think he wants to make me jealous and doesn’t really see anything wrong in his behavior. All students love him. Makes jokes during the lesson etc


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You’re in for a difficult time because he’s not changing. I’d rethink what life with him will be like after decades of this.





Openminded said:


> You’re in for a difficult time because he’s not changing. I’d rethink what life with him will be like after decades of this.


i’m afraid I will lash out at a certain moment. I wanted to say him if it seems normal to him help students apply for scholarships if its not part of his job.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, at this point it seems that you are making a whole lot of suppositions in your head about your husband. The only problematic thing I see at this moment is his supporting students off-schedule. This could eventually land him in trouble whether justified or not. He just seem to be a gossiper of what's goes around his school with you as the recipient (don't a lot people gossip with their partner about what goes on at work?). Now, if your guts are telling you something, whether founded or not, the best approach is to trust but verify. Otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy, and eventually create a self fulfilled prophecy by creating tension in the marriage.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

nekonamida said:


> Oh honey... No. It means he's testing your reaction. At best, he likes your jealousy. At worst, he's telling on himself because it's really him who is flirting and sleeping with these girls. There is a whole lot of smoke here for there to be no fire. If you fully trusted everything he was telling you, you wouldn't have needed to post here, right? You wouldn't care and wouldn't feel threatened by this, right? So something deep inside you knows that this isn't right and if he keeps this up, it will cost you your relationship.


He tells me that some professor sit in the cafeteria with students and give them their phone numbers while he doesn’t do that.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> OP, at this point it seems that you are making a whole lot of suppositions in your head about your husband. The only problematic thing I see at this moment is his supporting students off-schedule. This could eventually land him in trouble whether justified or not. He just seem to be a gossiper of what's goes around his school with you as the recipient (don't a lot people gossip with their partner about what goes on at work?). Now, if your guts are telling you something, whether founded or not, the best approach is to trust but verify. Otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy, and eventually create a self fulfilled prophecy by creating tension in the marriage.


I’m a person who worries a lot. I’m afraid if I mention to him that it bothers me it will make it worse.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I’m a person who worries a lot. I’m afraid if I mention to him that it bothers me it will make it worse.


Marrying someone you don't feel comfortable opening up to isn't a wise choice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He told me once a professor at his university was expelled because he had some kind of relationship with a student. He say “why didn’t he wait until she graduated?!”. This made my fear worse. So this is what he would do if he was in this professor’s place?! I think he wants to make me jealous and doesn’t really see anything wrong in his behavior. All students love him. Makes jokes during the lesson etc


Yes, it's a concern, but women that age probably don't have the longest attention span and also have bigger fish to fry, so the hope is that out of sight out of mind once they graduate.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> Marrying someone you don't feel comfortable opening up to isn't a wise choice.


It will feed his ego even more and maybe he hasn’t noticed that there’s something wrong why bring this his attention to it? I can’t just drop my emotions to him like a hot potato. He will feel controlled and he hates that.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Here's what I find odd - he seems to talk to you about these student interactions in a very detached manner. Like he's single, and exchanging tall tales and exploits with his drinking buddy for validation. 

He doesn't seem to be fully aware of what he's doing, saying, or the implications of his words and behavior. 

Someone's got to shake him awake. If he won't snap out of it, I would call it a day; it's no way to live with a long term partner, and the end result is pretty clear.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Quad73 said:


> Here's what I find odd - he seems to talk to you about these student interactions in a very detached manner. Like he's single, and exchanging tall tales and exploits with his drinking buddy for validation.
> 
> He doesn't seem to be fully aware of what he's doing, saying, or the implications of his words and behavior.


To me, it shows a fundamental lack of respect. If he loved her, he wouldn't treat her this way. 

What man goes on ad nauseam about other women to his fiancé?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Marrying someone you don't feel comfortable opening up to isn't a wise choice.


This, for emphasis. 

OP if you don't feel comfortable to speak to your husband about your concerns, then I'm afraid that your troubles are a lo more than just your jealousy. It points to deep insecurities within yourself. 

Is this lack of openness towards your husband with your concerns are they founded by the way he responds to you when approached with a concern, or is it just you who is unable to open up and speak up?


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

Professors do get evaluated by students and these evaluations do have an effect on promotions, tenure, raises, etc. They also tend to stay forever once tenured. So while I can understand his helpfulness/friendliness can be a trigger, it may also be helping his career. So basically, I don't see his work situation changing.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about trust and boundaries, then you need to make a decision. It may just be that there's nothing he can do to make you comfortable with the situation, even if he does change his behavior. College professors, cops, doctors/nurses, personal trainers... all can be tough careers on relationships.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

recovering2018 said:


> So while I can understand his helpfulness/friendliness can be a trigger, *it may also be helping his career.* So basically, I don't see his work situation changing.


These discussions have absolutely nothing to do with professionalism or helping his students. 🙄


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

green_eyed_girl said:


> Yeah, some things are really strange. Crying about you will not have anymore lessons with a professor? It seemed too weird when he told me this.


I know what you're saying. Some things just don't sound right. One day my wife came home talking about the trainer was going to give her free training lessons. Hmmm...not on my watch. I simply told her she needs to find another gym.

You don't have that luxury of telling your husband to leave his place of employment. I'm telling you, this will most likely bother you for the life of your marriage and affect you in different ways. A fight that has nothing to do with this, might have something to do with it as you reach your boiling point. At the very least, you need to have a sit down long conversation with him to discuss this or it'll eat at you every day. That's no way to live.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I feel like you should seek some therapy for anxiety and insecurities. Teachers including professors do interact with students including one on one time, helping with scholarships, and providing contact information.

It sounds to me like he is just a very engaged professor that enjoys his profession and cares about his students progress. How students dress on campus is not something he can control. And if you get out much, college students dress skimpy almost everywhere you see.

My friends wife is extremely insecure like this situation. If there is female nudity in a movie, she yells for him to turn his head.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Just for clarity, this man _is not_ her husband yet.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

College Professors, both male and female are NOTORIOUS for sleeping around.

Mostly, with students, some with other faculty members.

I have attended my share of colleges and have witnessed this, first hand.

It is the IDEAL position/profession for sexual predators to be in.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

SunCMars said:


> College Professors, both male and female are NOTORIOUS for sleeping around.
> 
> Mostly, with students, some with other faculty members.
> 
> ...


What is your source for this?


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

“I witnessed it first hand”

“What is your source for this?”


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s not ready to be a one woman man ic he shared stories like this.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> This, for emphasis.
> 
> OP if you don't feel comfortable to speak to your husband about your concerns, then I'm afraid that your troubles are a lo more than just your jealousy. It points to deep insecurities within yourself.
> 
> Is this lack of openness towards your husband with your concerns are they founded by the way he responds to you when approached with a concern, or is it just you who is unable to open up and speak up?


I think if I tell him that it bothers me it will only lead to him not sharing things of this nature, but it won't really change the situation. And I'm a little bit in shock from this as I don't know what I want to change. If I don't know myself, what can I say if he asks me what I want him to do? 

It's also a little bit the way he reacts. For example when he told me "proudly" that a students had sent him a heart emonji in an email saying that he is the best professor, I said to him "do students sent emonjis to all professors?" He said yes because they don't know how to write an email. I became cold and started to focus on something else and wouldn't answer him. 
It turned out it was a face emonji, not a heart one. He had exaggerated it. 

Another time was similar "again an email with you're so good professor". I'm a college professor too and I told him that I don't answer student's email after a certain hour. And if I received an email like that I would say myself what I'm doing wrong. I told him that he's too available. Again it didn't solve anything.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

recovering2018 said:


> Professors do get evaluated by students and these evaluations do have an effect on promotions, tenure, raises, etc. They also tend to stay forever once tenured. So while I can understand his helpfulness/friendliness can be a trigger, it may also be helping his career. So basically, I don't see his work situation changing.
> 
> I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about trust and boundaries, then you need to make a decision. It may just be that there's nothing he can do to make you comfortable with the situation, even if he does change his behavior. College professors, cops, doctors/nurses, personal trainers... all can be tough careers on relationships.


That's so sad. Yes he can't change career, he is doing his phd so he is investing a lot in this career, in addition to being a straight A student.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> College Professors, both male and female are NOTORIOUS for sleeping around.
> 
> Mostly, with students, some with other faculty members.
> 
> ...


I'm a college professor too and I have no interest in young boys. But for men it's different as they like younger women. In the stories he tells me it makes it seem like almost every professor is in some way flirting with students or sleeping with them. And his favourite professor since he was a student too that now is his colleague and friend. 
His head of department too, from what he tells me.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I’m a person who worries a lot. I’m afraid if I mention to him that it bothers me it will make it worse.


If you can't talk about the tough stuff you should not marry. Your spouse needs to be the safe space for you to say what you feel & think & be heard. 

If you worry alot, take steps to reduce your own anxiety. 

Good professors are well liked by their students & well respected by their peers. Many go out of their way to help their students. Official or not it's part of the job. You can be a nice, helpful professor & not cross lines around sex, flirting etc. When I was a professor many times my students would invite me to go to the bars with them after class. I always said no during the semester I was teaching them. I would not add them on social media either. Students had my cell phone number but I didn't answer late night calls / texts after 9 p.m. I was an adjunct so I didn't have an office but I always met students in a very public place. 

Your guy is enjoying the attention but you have to tell him how much the bragging hurts you. Hopefully it will cease or at least he'll tone it down.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think if it bothers you this much, for your own sanity, it might be best to break up with him. If your conversations are filled with nothing but this, I’d move on. It’s one thing to share our work days with our partners, but if this is what he seems focused on discussing, it would get confusing after a while.

If you’re not even married yet, you both should be beaming with excitement for the future. If you’re not now, what might ten years down the road look like? Maybe table the engagement if you’re not ready to break up, but need time to reflect on if this is the life you see for yourself.

Have you ever struggled with insecurity in the past? If so, it could be helpful to get some counseling for yourself, as it can never hurt to vent to someone totally objective.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> but if this is what he seems focused on discussing, it


It seems that is her whom is focusing on this part of their conversations.
OP can verify this for clarification.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> What is your source for this?


He witnessed this at colleges he attended. 

Don't be asking for people cite this!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> It seems that is her whom is focusing on this part of their conversations.
> OP can verify this for clarification.


Yea, if he brings it up for a few minutes here and there matter of factly, that’s different than long conversations focusing on how his students are swooning over him. If he’s constantly grabbing his phone, if they’re texting him throughout the evenings, that to me is inappropriate even as a single professor, take OP out of the equation.

So, need a few more details…


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> It seems that is her whom is focusing on this part of their conversations.
> OP can verify this for clarification.


No, he tells me all this without me asking while we were walking. Yesterday he was talking to me about this topic and I entered a shop just to interrupt it, but he countinued when I got back. I don't dare to mention it as I don't want him to think I'm jealous or that it bothers me. I want to appear like I have my own life and I'm happy with it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If you can’t be honest and he goes on and on this won’t work. How long have you known him? He’s either clueless or a ****


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't dare to mention it as I don't want him to think I'm jealous or that it bothers me. I want to appear like I have my own life and I'm happy with it.


So, you have to pretend (lie) and be someone you're not?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why should you be happy about it????


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> If he’s constantly grabbing his phone, if they’re texting him throughout the evenings, that to me is inappropriate even as a single professor, take OP out of the equation.


My ex wife is a single college professor, you would not believe the amount of self entitled brats emailing her at all hours for their perceived grievances, and or what can she do for them to better their grades. You better watch out as to how you answer because they will take it with your dean and/or give you bad reports if you don't get to them in the time they deem it appropriate. My ex, gets up very early to deal with just that.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> If you can’t be honest and he goes on and on this won’t work. How long have you known him? He’s either clueless or a ****


We've been together for 6+ years and living together for 2+ years. I never was jealous of his students before, or of anyone else. He was a quite shy guy, had female friends but I never felt threatened.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> My ex wife is a single college professor, you would not believe the amount of self entitled brats emailing her at all hours for their perceived grievances, and or what can she do for them to better their grades. You better watch out as to how you answer because they will take it with your dean and/or give you bad reports if you don't get to them in the time they deem it appropriate. My ex, gets up very early to deal with just that.


Omg, I can imagine! Good that she gets up early to deal with it instead of letting it consume her evenings.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How long has he been a professor?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Show up at his office one day unannounced during lunch and ask to go get something with him at the cafe/lunch room. See how that goes, I suspect it will be eye opening.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I guess I don't really understand why you're posting. You seem fine with all this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He tells me that some professor sit in the cafeteria with students and give them their phone numbers while he doesn’t do that.


Some work colleagues text each other about non work related things all day and night too. What's the point here? Pointing out bad behavior that you are not participating in doesn't make your behavior exemplary. Your answer to that should always be, so? 

It IS illuminating though that he tried this tactic. 

If you marry a very pretty women you understand she gets attention from tons of guys. Not a big deal, when she starts telling you about the attention though, THAT'S A RED FLAG.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> So, you have to pretend (lie) and be someone you're not?


If I tell him, will he change career? No. Will this feed his ego more? Yes. Will it confirm to him that those younger girls are a threat to me? Yes. If I don't believe I'm better, how can he believe this?
I would love to be completely honest with my partner and share this and be understood, but he can't understand. He will think I'm controlling.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> I guess I don't really understand why you're posting. You seem fine with all this.


Why you say so? I don't like this whole thing, but what can I do? I wish he was in another career.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

green_eyed_girl said:


> Why you say so? I don't like this whole thing, *but what can I do?* I wish he was in another career.


You live with integrity - meaning you live out who you actually are. You don't waste your life pretending to be someone you're not.

His career isn't really the issue here, but I'm done. I wish you the best. 😊


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What you _can_ do is not allow your relationship to turn into a contest with other women. Whether he is doing this or you are putting this pressure on yourself, that’s no way to live.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If I could do it all over again I'd be a college professor.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CallingDrLove said:


> “I witnessed it first hand”
> 
> “What is your source for this?”


Oh, my!

These American schools are not teaching English, very well.

Oh, well.....

First hand means: "I witnessed this behavior myself, many times".

Me, moi, mich, בִּי , yo, aniga


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Trident said:


> If I could do it all over again I'd be a college professor.


So I'm right to be jealous? 
If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be with a college professor.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You CAN do it all over again if you go the route of leaving him. But that might be a bit premature. Talk to him about what you feel like other posters suggested. If you do nothing, nothing will change. If it were you I would keep an eye out for red flags.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

joannacroc said:


> You CAN do it all over again if you go the route of leaving him. But that might be a bit premature. Talk to him about what you feel like other posters suggested. If you do nothing, nothing will change. If it were you I would keep an eye out for red flags.


Yeah I also feel like it's premature. He wouldn't understand how I feel and even if he understood what can he do? Sacrifice his career?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

green_eyed_girl said:


> So I'm right to be jealous?
> If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be with a college professor.


You aren't married, you don't have to be with him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Back in the 1980s a college professor managed to ****** up the thesis of myself and several other students (she was our mentor) by suddenly running off with her student lover and abandoning we students.

Her husband was, reportedly, devastated. Her lover was on the same course as me. He was a slimy, greasy little **** who wasn't really liked by anyone on the course.

They decided to travel round the world in a converted yacht which a former Royal Navy navigation officer and a mature student on the course, told them was illegal. Apparently they went 200 miles round the coast, ran aground and abandoned the yacht. I don't know if their relationship survived.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

green_eyed_girl said:


> No, he tells me all this without me asking while we were walking. Yesterday he was talking to me about this topic and I entered a shop just to interrupt it, but he countinued when I got back. I don't dare to mention it *as I don't want him to think I'm jealous or that it bothers me. I want to appear like I have my own life and I'm happy with it.*


So @green_eyed_girl ...the part above that I've bolded...that is the problem. You are putting forth an "image" of what you think he wants to see, rather than being who you really are. By covering up who you really are (what you really think and feel) essentially you're saying through your actions that you don't believe he can handle the truth. You don't have much faith in him. 

So "little nerdy PhD guy" is now "Mr. Popular Professor"--maybe he is and maybe he is just acting that way so he kind of FEELS popular. But in real life, it bothers you because he's your fiance and you want him for yourself! My beloved hubby is also in the education industry and there's a lot of females that work around him..and thankfully for me, my beloved hubby doesn't act like he realizes what a catch he is or how handsome he is!! Still, I know that every single woman in his larger "office" was pretty much waiting for the day he was available and hoping to have a shot at him. Once he and I started seeing each other most of the other ladies had the good grace to back off and be respectful, but one didn't, and boy let me tell you! I told him (and her) that I didn't appreciate her making that kind of attempt to advance on my man...it was inappropriate. And yep, he as the one to tell her to stop, but you know, I think there's something to be said for acknowledging that your spouse (or in your case, soon-to-be-spouse) is attractive to others ... and that you've kinda claimed this territory and he's off limits. I think it let's the men know they are wanted. There's equally something to be said for being the kind of woman that piques his interest. I mean, would you date you? If the answers "no" then step up your game a little. This isn't a competition, but it's also not a time to rest on your laurels! Look nice. Be interesting. Actually do have your own life that you're happy with, but also include him in your life.

Furthermore, when you tell the full truth to him and let him know what you are *truly *thinking and feeling, what you're saying to him in your actions is that you BELIEVE IN HIM that he is strong enough and capable enough to handle the truth. When you cover things up, he's making decisions and actions based on stuff that's not true. So demonstrate to him that a) he's valuable enough to you that you'd mate-guard a little, and b) that you believe he has the maturity and ability to handle "the real you" instead of the image you think he wants to see.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> You CAN do it all over again if you go the route of leaving him. But that might be a bit premature. Talk to him about what you feel like other posters suggested. If you do nothing, nothing will change. If it were you I would keep an eye out for red flags.


She comes from a red flag country! 

Albania, I believe.

Now what?

...................................................

Joanna wants you to watch this man carefully.

Do not marry him if you are not sure about his loyalties.

...............................................

I would not waste too much time on the man, if you cannot trust him.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

I did not catch how old you are, I would think in your early to mid-thirties, also?
If so, do not risk your good years on this risky man.

I could be wrong on him, of course.

Trust is always in short supply.
Humans are inherently selfish.



_King Brian-_


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

A few points I want to make here.

I don't know about where you are from but around here, those young college girls will DEFINITELY hook up with a decent older guy like your fiance. I had female college friends who told me about the hot professor they were flirting with. All of that stuff definitely happens.

Here's the real problem. Your fiance is eating all that stuff up. As a man, I am flattered and can appreciate it when an attractive younger girl flirts or hits on me. It's a nice moment. Your guy though, it's more than that for him. He is obsessed with the attention he is getting now. He probably knows he shouldn't talk to you about it, but he's so excited over the attention these girls give him that he can't help himself. That's why he comes home and excitedly tells you all about each and every one of them. He plays it off like all those girls are terrible but you've seen yourself how much extra effort he puts into making time for them. Make no mistake, he LOVES it.

If I were you, I'd be very wary. Maybe this will just be a phase for him if he is the type of guy that is unused to this sort of attention. I know when I was really young I didn't do so hot with women and when I got older, they were all over me. I felt somewhat the same way he did. So, if I were you, I'd have a talk with him. Tell him how you feel about it all. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to show up every now and then to have lunch with him. Depending on how your chat goes, take things from there.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> She comes from a red flag country!
> 
> Albania, I believe.
> 
> ...


Yes, I'm from Albania. I'm 28. We're not married but we live together so I'm involved with him already.
To be honest, I'm a very distrusting person.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

minimalME said:


> You live with integrity - meaning you live out who you actually are. You don't waste your life pretending to be someone you're not.
> 
> His career isn't really the issue here, but I'm done. I wish you the best. 😊


This is now OP going in circles for some reason.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is now OP going in circles for some reason.


I don't believe in communication. I can't just tell him how I feel and throw my emotions to him like a hot potato. He will think I'm unstable. And will say "so what?" if I tell him that I don't like this whole thing. Maybe pretend to care the first time I tell him, but later will just not tell me anymore and countinue doing what he's doing. Especially if he isn't sleeping with a student and I have no facts to prove that. 
And even further, it will feed his ego more.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't believe in communication. I can't just tell him how I feel and throw my emotions to him like a hot potato.


If he doesn't care about your feelings then he does NOT qualify to be your fiance.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

syhoybenden said:


> If he doesn't care about your feelings then he does NOT qualify to be your fiance.
> 
> There's plenty of fish in the sea.


He might care but he can’t sacrifice his job for this. I didn’t feel this way before so I already gave him the trust. But something changed with these things that he told me and it’s too late now to ask him to be more careful. He even told me once in an angry argument something like “I could cheat with a student”. Why exactly a student? There is something going on. I mean in his mind not necessarily real cheating.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> . I don't dare to mention it as I don't want him to think I'm jealous or that it bothers me. I want to appear like I have my own life and I'm happy with it.


Instead of _appearing_ like you have your own life that you are happy with, you would be better served to actually HAVE your own life. Happiness comes from within. You don't get it from your partner. When you expect somebody else to make you happy, you are doomed to failure. 



green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't like this whole thing, but what can I do? I wish he was in another career.


What you can do is speak up in an assertive way. Tell him that his interactions with these co-eds are borderline inappropriate & people are going to talk. Also tell him that you don't enjoy hearing stories about how young scantily clad students flirt with him. Ask him if he's trying to make you jealous or if he's just stroking his own ego. Tell him to behave in a more dignified manner befitting his professorship.



green_eyed_girl said:


> So I'm right to be jealous?
> If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be with a college professor.


Jealousy isn't right or wrong. It's a feeling but it is very destructive. 

Him being a college professor is not the whole problem. You not liking him interacting with attractive young women is the problem. No matter what he did for a living there will always be younger women. That is a fact of life.



green_eyed_girl said:


> I'm a very distrusting person.


No kidding. That is not helping this problem. As I said above women are half the world. You have to recognize that your man will always have to deal with them.



green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't believe in communication. I can't just tell him how I feel and throw my emotions to him like a hot potato. He will think I'm unstable. And will say "so what?" if I tell him that I don't like this whole thing. Maybe pretend to care the first time I tell him, but later will just not tell me anymore and countinue doing what he's doing. Especially if he isn't sleeping with a student and I have no facts to prove that.
> And even further, it will feed his ego more.


You don't believe in communication? What kind of nonsense is that? 

Marriage especially a good marriage is all about communication. If you can't talk to your partner about what you are feeling you can't get married. 

You talking is not about feeding his ego. You telling him that his behavior & stories upset you is not some power game whereby you are conceding weakness because you tell him you are not amused by his latest story involving some coed. There is no need to get emotional to the point of being irrational. I'm suggesting an empowerment action -- whereby you set & enforce a boundary. Sticking up for yourself is sexy. Make him respect you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't believe in communication. I can't just tell him how I feel and throw my emotions to him like a hot potato. He will think I'm unstable. And will say "so what?" if I tell him that I don't like this whole thing. Maybe pretend to care the first time I tell him, but later will just not tell me anymore and countinue doing what he's doing. Especially if he isn't sleeping with a student and I have no facts to prove that.
> And even further, it will feed his ego more.


This is what you said in the first couple posts.

Unless some action, it will go round and round.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

A good friend of mine is a college professor of the "cool professor" variety. He's 50 and tells me he can't believe how brazenly some of his female students flirt with him. He also guess on about how provocatively they dress. He hasn't cheated on his wife and has no intention to do so, but tells me it's common for his colleagues to discuss this kind of attention. More than likely, the OP's husband is doing the same thing, but he should limit this kind of talk to his colleagues and male friends and not cause the OP anxiety by sharing it with her. 

OP, be honest with your husband and tell him you'd prefer not to hear about all this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I'm a college professor too





green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't believe in communication.


To be a college professor you need to be an excellent communicator. If you don't believe in communication, then what are you doing teaching? probably you suck at it since you don't believe in communication.

Those that " don't believe" in communication in a relationship are doomed to fail in the relationship because communication and trust are key for a relationship to succeed.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

What’s this “don’t believe in communication” stuff? Do you just believe that your partner should just be able to read your mind and if not it’s a sign that they aren’t the one? Unfortunately a lot of people treat their relationships like that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't believe in communication. I can't just tell him how I feel and throw my emotions to him like a hot potato. He will think I'm unstable. And will say "so what?" if I tell him that I don't like this whole thing. Maybe pretend to care the first time I tell him, but later will just not tell me anymore and countinue doing what he's doing. Especially if he isn't sleeping with a student and I have no facts to prove that.
> And even further, it will feed his ego more.


If you don't believe in communication you should just give up on being married. Any good marriage REQUIRES good communication. 

It doesn't even make sense to say, "I don't believe in communication". It is an idiotic comment, especially coming from someone that is a professor. 

If you can't express the way you feel to the man you are supposed to marry, your "marriage" is already doomed. Time to move on I think.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> To be a college professor you need to be an excellent communicator. If you don't believe in communication, then what are you doing teaching? probably you suck at it since you don't believe in communication.
> 
> Those that " don't believe" in communication in a relationship are doomed to fail in the relationship because communication and trust are key for a relationship to succeed.


I don’t believe in communication about emotions. I can communicate well about everything else. 
And I don’t believe in verbal communication, actions will speak better. And energy, like speaking with anxiety in my voice will do more harm than good. 
The best I can do is focus in my life instead and try not to care what he’s doing but it’s hard.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don’t believe in communication about emotions. I can communicate well about everything else.
> And I don’t believe in verbal communication, actions will speak better. And energy, like speaking with anxiety in my voice will do more harm than good.
> The best I can do is focus in my life instead and try not to care what he’s doing but it’s hard.


You really need to tell your husband how you feel about this. Communicating about your emotions is crucial to a healthy relationship, otherwise your anxiety will fester and eat away at you, making it impossible to have a healthy marriage.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

CallingDrLove said:


> What’s this “don’t believe in communication” stuff? Do you just believe that your partner should just be able to read your mind and if not it’s a sign that they aren’t the one? Unfortunately a lot of people treat their relationships like that.


I’m afraid if I tell him that it bothers me, he will not open up anymore to me and I will lose important information about him. 
He will feel judged for his behavior which he considers normal. 
I want this to change not just not telling me about it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He might care but he can’t sacrifice his job for this. I didn’t feel this way before so I already gave him the trust. But something changed with these things that he told me and it’s too late now to ask him to be more careful. He even told me once in an angry argument something like “I could cheat with a student”. Why exactly a student? There is something going on. I mean in his mind not necessarily real cheating.


Whoa! He said that? That's really really not good. 

If I were you, I'd be rethinking marrying him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He might care but he can’t sacrifice his job for this. I didn’t feel this way before so I already gave him the trust. But something changed with these things that he told me and it’s too late now to ask him to be more careful. He even told me once in an angry argument something like “I could cheat with a student”. Why exactly a student? There is something going on. I mean in his mind not necessarily real cheating.


That's expected from get go. This storyline is bound to bring that up. He's grooming OP for a threesome. Not a relationship.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

loblawbobblog said:


> A good friend of mine is a college professor of the "cool professor" variety. He's 50 and tells me he can't believe how brazenly some of his female students flirt with him. He also guess on about how provocatively they dress. He hasn't cheated on his wife and has no intention to do so, but tells me it's common for his colleagues to discuss this kind of attention. More than likely, the OP's husband is doing the same thing, but he should limit this kind of talk to his colleagues and male friends and not cause the OP anxiety by sharing it with her.
> 
> OP, be honest with your husband and tell him you'd prefer not to hear about all this.


The problem is not not telling me, but what he’s doing. And I also don’t blame him that’s why I don’t know what to ask him to do. It’s just that my position is bad. I think I have reason to feel jealous.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> The problem is not not telling me, but what he’s doing. And I also don’t blame him that’s why I don’t know what to ask him to do. It’s just that my position is bad. I think I have reason to feel jealous.


Why do you come here for advice only to argue with all of it? What is it you want and what do you want to do?


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Whoa! He said that? That's really really not good.
> 
> If I were you, I'd be rethinking marrying him.


It was in situation that I didn’t trust him. His brother couldn’t have children and he asked my fiance to be a sperm donor. 
After 2 years the brother’s wife was pregnant and I started to ask my fiance how can I trust him that he’s not the sperm donor. I asked him a lot of times as I couldn’t fully trust him.
Then in anger he sad that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why do you come here for advice only to argue with all of it? What is it you want and what do you want to do?


I'm thinking we may be being put on a bit here. Leg pulling and all that. Story intentionally told to keep going on and on.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why do you come here for advice only to argue with all of it? What is it you want and what do you want to do?


I have anxiety, sorry


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He is way too fixated on the sexual relationships of other professors. Not only in his conversations with you, but in general. He has to be paying a lot of attention to what’s going on in the romantic lives of his colleagues.

Him coming home and telling you about all of this shows me that he’s not handling it very well. He doesn’t have good boundaries and he opens himself up to flirting and possibly other behaviors.

I don’t have a problem with him helping students, as long as he’s doing it during office hours. Lots of professors do this, as I’ve experienced it with my children and myself. However, it should be done during office hours and not on his own time. As a professor yourself, I think you already know this.

The fact that he tells you about these things doesn’t mean he trusts you. It could mean several things, as others here have pointed out. It could even mean that he is the professor engaging in sexual escapades with other students or he wants to see what your response is, in case he decides to. He could be making you jealous on purpose. Or he could just be foolish, not have good boundaries, and not realize that this is hurting your relationship.



minimalME said:


> To me, it shows a fundamental lack of respect. If he loved her, he wouldn't treat her this way.
> 
> What man goes on ad nauseam about other women to his fiancé?


I agree with minimalME. This kind of behavior from your fiancé isn’t appropriate. It would make almost any woman uncomfortable and worried. You aren’t out of line here.


green_eyed_girl said:


> I think if I tell him that it bothers me it will only lead to him not sharing things of this nature, but it won't really change the situation. And I'm a little bit in shock from this as I don't know what I want to change. If I don't know myself, what can I say if he asks me what I want him to do?


I think reading here will help you sort this out, so you will know why you feel this way. He is throwing these other women in your face and is clearly enjoying all the attention he gets. He is inviting this kind of response by his reaction to it and by trying to be “cool.” This is a whole new thing for him. I don’t blame you for not trusting him.


green_eyed_girl said:


> It's also a little bit the way he reacts. For example when he told me "proudly" that a students had sent him a heart emonji in an email saying that he is the best professor, I said to him "do students sent emonjis to all professors?" He said yes because they don't know how to write an email. I became cold and started to focus on something else and wouldn't answer him.
> It turned out it was a face emonji, not a heart one. He had exaggerated it.


This is concerning on several levels. Is he imaging all this attention or is it real? It seems that all his fascination with other people’s romantic lives is feeding a fantasy world perhaps.



green_eyed_girl said:


> Another time was similar "again an email with you're so good professor". I'm a college professor too and I told him that I don't answer student's email after a certain hour. And if I received an email like that I would say myself what I'm doing wrong. I told him that he's too available. Again it didn't solve anything.


Have you considered setting some boundaries with him about when he responds to students? This in interfering with your relationship and it’s a poor boundary for him with his students. If he doesn’t have good boundaries with his students, it’s going to eventually blow up. If this isn’t resolved now, you are in for a world of hurt in the future.


green_eyed_girl said:


> I'm a college professor too and I have no interest in young boys. But for men it's different as they like younger women. In the stories he tells me it makes it seem like almost every professor is in some way flirting with students or sleeping with them. And his favourite professor since he was a student too that now is his colleague and friend.
> His head of department too, from what he tells me.


So I take it you don’t teach at the same school?
If he is emulating a professor that has poor boundaries and is sleeping with his students, there will be a natural progression for him to do so as well. That’s what emulation is.



green_eyed_girl said:


> That's so sad. Yes he can't change career, he is doing his phd so he is investing a lot in this career, in addition to being a straight A student.


He doesn’t need to change his career. He needs to change his attitude. There are plenty of professors that don’t behave like he is. Do you act like this? Do you see a lot of professors behaving in the manner that he describes his favorite colleagues behaving?


green_eyed_girl said:


> No, he tells me all this without me asking while we were walking. Yesterday he was talking to me about this topic and I entered a shop just to interrupt it, but he countinued when I got back. I don't dare to mention it as I don't want him to think I'm jealous or that it bothers me. I want to appear like I have my own life and I'm happy with it.


You are misrepresenting yourself to him. That is highly unhealthy for a relationship. Furthermore, you are giving him the impression that his behavior is appropriate, rather than calling him on it.




green_eyed_girl said:


> We've been together for 6+ years and living together for 2+ years. I never was jealous of his students before, or of anyone else. He was a quite shy guy, had female friends but I never felt threatened.


How long has he been a professor for? Did this start immediately after he became a professor? How long has it been going on for?


green_eyed_girl said:


> If I tell him, will he change career? No. Will this feed his ego more? Yes. Will it confirm to him that those younger girls are a threat to me? Yes. If I don't believe I'm better, how can he believe this?
> I would love to be completely honest with my partner and share this and be understood, but he can't understand. He will think I'm controlling.


Interesting. So, if you have a problem with something he does, that makes you controlling? That sounds like manipulation.
This sounds like a power play to me, which gives me the impression that you might actually be controlling. You are clearly and obviously trying to control his impression of you, at the very least.

If you can’t share your concerns with him, why are you with him in the first place?

You are worried about feeding his ego? Let me tell you something. If he isn’t getting his ego kibbles from you, where do you want him to get them?



green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't like this whole thing, but what can I do? I wish he was in another career.


What can you do! You can be real with him and talk to him about your concerns. You can set some boundaries and be willing to let the relationship go if he’s not willing to work with you in the relationship.
He’s not in another career. It would be helpful for you to support him in his career, as he should you in your career. Supporting him in his career doesn’t mean encouraging him to behave inappropriately with students or to go on and on about how much they love him, etc.



green_eyed_girl said:


> Yeah I also feel like it's premature. He wouldn't understand how I feel and even if he understood what can he do? Sacrifice his career?


Why do you think that is the only option?
If you can’t communicate with him effectively, so that he does understand, you two have some serious communication issues that need to be resolved. If either of you is unwilling to resolve these communication issues, your relationship will continue to be miserable. You choose whether or not to continue on like this.



green_eyed_girl said:


> I don't believe in communication. I can't just tell him how I feel and throw my emotions to him like a hot potato. He will think I'm unstable. And will say "so what?" if I tell him that I don't like this whole thing. Maybe pretend to care the first time I tell him, but later will just not tell me anymore and countinue doing what he's doing. Especially if he isn't sleeping with a student and I have no facts to prove that.
> And even further, it will feed his ego more.


Communication about emotions isn’t about throwing them at him. I recommend you do some reading on how to communicate effectively with your partner. This may seem counterintuitive, but communicating about emotions doesn’t have to get all emotional and dramatic. Telling your partner how you feel should be part of a healthy relationship, but there are ways to do it without getting all dramatic.

Letting your partner know that you think they are amazing and wonderful isn’t a bad thing. If he isn’t getting it from you and it’s readily available elsewhere, he may happily get it from another source. You may not want to break it off with him, but don’t be surprised if he breaks it off with you. All his bragging may be a precursor to him breaking up with you.



green_eyed_girl said:


> He might care but he can’t sacrifice his job for this. I didn’t feel this way before so I already gave him the trust. But something changed with these things that he told me and it’s too late now to ask him to be more careful. He even told me once in an angry argument something like “I could cheat with a student”. Why exactly a student? There is something going on. I mean in his mind not necessarily real cheating.


It’s not too late to ask him to be more careful. When things change, it’s important to respond to that change in a healthy manner. Instead, you are putting on an act and keeping it all inside.

The fact that he threatened to cheat on you with a student means it’s in his mind. He is considering it. Maybe he’s already done it. He’s warned you. What are you going to do about it?



green_eyed_girl said:


> I don’t believe in communication about emotions. I can communicate well about everything else.
> And I don’t believe in verbal communication, actions will speak better. And energy, like speaking with anxiety in my voice will do more harm than good.
> The best I can do is focus in my life instead and try not to care what he’s doing but it’s hard.


What? Are you a mime? I agree that actions speak louder than words, but words help us to understand and can resolve a lot of problems. You are carrying around negative energy already. You must be putting a lot of effort into hiding it. That’s not healthy for your body or your emotions. You’re basically lying to him.

Obviously, not caring about what he’s doing isn’t work out for you at all.



green_eyed_girl said:


> I’m afraid if I tell him that it bothers me, he will not open up anymore to me and I will lose important information about him.
> He will feel judged for his behavior which he considers normal.
> I want this to change not just not telling me about it.


You are deciding for him what he will think and feel. If you think he will feel judged, could it be that’s because you are judging him? It is one thing to communicate your boundaries and to have standards, it is another to judge someone. Again, I think you would benefit from doing some reading about healthy ways to communicate in relationships. You might want to consider therapy for that too.
Currently, you are setting yourself up for an unhealthy marriage and the misery that comes with that.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> How long has he been a professor for? Did this start immediately after he became a professor? How long has it been going on for?


He has been a professor since I've known him. I didn't notice anything at that time or later for years, only during the last year. 


Cynthia said:


> So I take it you don’t teach at the same school?
> If he is emulating a professor that has poor boundaries and is sleeping with his students, there will be a natural progression for him to do so as well. That’s what emulation is.


I teach at another University and part time at his University too. I know some of his colleagues, but not personally.

Thank you for your detailed thoughts. I will take them into consideration especially to learn more about how to communicate.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I have anxiety, sorry


That didn't answer the question. What do you want to do? Put your head in the sand and try to ignore it or talk to him directly like an adult and discuss it?


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

OP, I'm not one to always recommend counseling, but I really think you should consider it. 

By not communicating your emotions, you are pretending to be someone else and bottling up pressure in an unhealthy manner. It's very hard for a long term relationship to work if you can't be honest with your partner about your feelings. There's a way to do it without coming off as desperate or jealous.

Good luck to you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> To be a college professor you need to be an excellent communicator. If you don't believe in communication, then what are you doing teaching? probably you suck at it since you don't believe in communication.
> 
> Those that " don't believe" in communication in a relationship are doomed to fail in the relationship because communication and trust are key for a relationship to succeed.


Sadly, to be a college professor in today's PC climate one doesn't have to be a good communicator just drink the koolaid and have the right political bent.
Then you're in.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sadly, to be a college professor in today's PC climate one doesn't have to be a good communicator just drink the koolaid and have the right political bent.
> Then you're in.


My ex is a college professor. She has to deal with that on a daily basis. I comes from the highest echelon at the university. if you don't bend down and take it you're out.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> My ex is a college professor. She has to deal with that on a daily basis. I comes from the highest echelon at the university. if you don't bend down and take it you're out.


I’ve got an uncle who is a professor and is the department chairman. He’s quitting his job and looking for another one because the university hired some crazy feminist as the new president and she’s notoriously difficult to work with. Apparently there has been a mass exodus of professors since her hiring. Mind you this is a small very rural university in one of the most conservative states in the country.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nothing worse than academia. It's an ugly backstabbing environment. A lot of the professors never worked a real job in the field they teach. They're just pedantic pedagogues.

when I was an undergraduate, I did help teachers with some of the classes. Believe it or not there were some subject matters in which I knew more than my teachers. They begged me to get my certification and they would give me the job. I say NOPE. Actually if I were to teach, I would go to jail the first day of class because I don't have the temperament to stand there and take it from some of theses pedantic, self absorbed, self entitled little pricks.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Your fiancé screwed his sister in law?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He was asked to be sperm donor and he replied with I could cheat? He’s an asshole. Ic you marry him you are in for misery


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Your fiancé screwed his sister in law?


No his brother asked him to be the sperm donor for the in vitro fertilization


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Did he?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:-*

Whilst the current and future state of further education is an important topic. It's not germane to this thread, so please start another thread if you want to debate that.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Did he?


He says that he didn't. Anyways, unfortunately she lost the baby. So that topic is now silent. He wants me to believe him, but he told me he wouldn't do a dna test and it's not fair to the brother to discuss this. 
That too gave me a lot of anxiety. He acted totally offended and told me our relationship had changed after I didn't trust him about that. 
Now, I'm following a relationship self-help problem and according to it I shouldn't have any difficult discussion with my partner for at least one month to build "relationship capital".
He reacts in a very emotional way any time I accuse him of something.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Read what I wrote again.
> I said that if he’s ACCUSED of inappropriate behaviour. Him meeting students outside of school hours leaves him open to this.


So, can't that happen in any job where he works with or is around females? Most "professors" have this thing called 'office hours' where they have an open door for students to come talk to them about class, etc., and yes-- applying for scholarships. They may be asking him to be a reference. 

In any case, yes he could be accused of inappropriate behavior. Sure.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> The problem is not not telling me, but what he’s doing. And I also don’t blame him that’s why I don’t know what to ask him to do.


You don't blame him for his actions. Instead you wrongly blame his students for being scantily clad & flirting with him. You have misplaced the blame. 

As for whether he provided genetic material so his brother could have a baby, how is that your business? He was asked to give the gift of life to his brother. He says he didn't but you don't believe him. You blame your anxiety for your inability to trust but without trust you can't have a healthy relationship. You don't talk. You don't trust. What do you have? Why are you even planning to marry this man? This doesn't sound healthy at all.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

To me, the talk you need to have with him is not the one you're dreading; the one where you tell him how his actions make you feel insecure and anxious.

It's more of a conversation like this - "You're acting like a fool, and a fool that doesn't know how to behave as a grown man with a fiance. Wake up, get some counseling, or our relationship will need to end." Give yourself a time line to make your decision to leave if he doesn't take action or act responsibly re protecting you. 

YOU should be his one and only concern. If he shows you that you are not, exit before you wind up with years or decades of sorrow.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

green_eyed_girl said:


> Lately this situation is making me feel jealous especially when I see young girls dressed provocatively around him or when I hear the stories he tells me to the point that I wish he had another job.
> How do you think I should deal with this?





green_eyed_girl said:


> These girls are acting inappropriately and immature. Their clothes alone are very inappropriate for university.





green_eyed_girl said:


> He also tells me that some students are sluts and make him uncomfortable because of the way they dress.





green_eyed_girl said:


> We all know that the more successful a man is the more women want him. But with his job this is out of proportions. It would be far better for me if he had another job. I’m suffering.





green_eyed_girl said:


> Girls might flirt just for the grade. And most women genuinely like older men and in a position of power.





green_eyed_girl said:


> Some girls will try to seduce a professor just for the grade. And they dress very provocatively in a way that no one in a job place dresses.





green_eyed_girl said:


> Students are so irresponsible wear short tops showing their belly in class and shorts. No one dresses at a job like that.


Issue #1: You think these girls should be responsible for your fiance's choices by dressing and behaving "appropriately", and that your fiance would have better boundaries if by some chance he was not surrounded by sophomoric females who use cocktail napkins as a shirt. They are responsible for turning him on in your mind. This is pretty insulting not only to women as a whole, but also to men who are reduced to a walking penis that has no control over whom he might penetrate next.... I argue that your fiance just has poor boundaries and limits on his own and other's behaviors. HE is the problem. This is evidenced by your next points.



green_eyed_girl said:


> His stories are about his colleges flirting with students. And how his students love him. Like for example he told me one girl nearly cried in his class because it’s the end of the year so they will not do anymore lessons with him.
> He told her that she can come to his class next year too. He also tells me how some students were dressed provocatively. And an email a student sent him saying something like thank you professor you’re so good and smiling emoji. I think he loves the attention and being a “cool professor”.





green_eyed_girl said:


> I don’t know how to trust him. He at least should not tell me these stories.


You need to reframe this. WHY is he telling you these stories? Has it occured to you that he is looking for a response? Either he wants to make sure he can openly have side tysts with his students (you are encouraging him with your attitude about his stories and behaviors by the way), or he is trying to make you jealous and angry and garner your attention because it makes him feel good. Either way... at least he is being pretty apparent about himself being a bad choice for a partner. Why you refuse to believe him is the real question.



green_eyed_girl said:


> When I knew my fiance he was a nerd phd student. He was shy and didn't know his value.





green_eyed_girl said:


> I still look good but I worry about the future as men like 20 something girls no matter their age.


Here is the last issue. You have low self esteem. So low, that you thought you were safe by choosing a "nerd" who "undervalued" himself. Oopsie on your part that he didn't stay nerdy and unwanted by the general female population like you hoped huh?

Having low self worth is not uncommon, many females (and males) buy the idea that women have no value but a set of boobs and a perky butt with flawless skin. After any of those goes...you are worthless. You need to fix this. You are a professor as you say, so figure out how to do that. And when you figure it out, choose a man who doesn't see females as a sperm depository. Who values you as a person, rather than a walking set of depreciating parts. I assure you there are MANY men who don't chase after 20 year olds and value someone who is their own age, who will grow old with them, who love their wives and find them MORE beautiful over time not less. Who don't take chances with the love of a good woman by dallying with students (or any female) or even entertaining the idea, and then rubbing your nose in it. There are good, decent, strong and loyal men in this world. I'm sorry that you chose one who isn't, but at this point, this is 100% on you. He has shown you who he is, you just refuse to do anything about it. You are engaged to a gigantic red flag.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> You need to reframe this. WHY is he telling you these stories? Has it occured to you that he is looking for a response? Either he wants to make sure he can openly have side tysts with his students (you are encouraging him with your attitude about his stories and behaviors by the way), or he is trying to make you jealous and angry and garner your attention because it makes him feel good. Either way... at least he is being pretty apparent about himself being a bad choice for a partner. Why you refuse to believe him is the real question.


Add to this list: Clueless and basking in student's attention and dramas. High school level reactions from someone who has perhaps never experienced this kind of attention before.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Issue #1: You think these girls should be responsible for your fiance's choices by dressing and behaving "appropriately", and that your fiance would have better boundaries if by some chance he was not surrounded by sophomoric females who use cocktail napkins as a shirt. They are responsible for turning him on in your mind. This is pretty insulting not only to women as a whole, but also to men who are reduced to a walking penis that has no control over whom he might penetrate next


I have to disagree. Men and women are in a constant dance with each other, we have the capacity to effect each other in different ways, and we also have responsibilities towards the other sex (or at least we SHOULD). Like it or not, an attractive woman skimpily dressed will drive men crazy. It takes all our willpower not to ogle her, and any guy saying otherwise is lying. Women are free to dress however they like, but are foolish to believe there will be no change in how they are treated.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Quad73 said:


> Add to this list: Clueless and basking in student's attention and dramas. High school level reactions from someone who has perhaps never experienced this kind of attention before.


Well good point. Amend to add: Option 3 in that list, he is emotionally at a 20 year old level, or below. 


loblawbobblog said:


> I have to disagree. Men and women are in a constant dance with each other, we have the capacity to effect each other in different ways, and we also have responsibilities towards the other sex (or at least we SHOULD). Like it or not, an attractive woman skimpily dressed will drive men crazy. It takes all our willpower not to ogle her, and any guy saying otherwise is lying. Women are free to dress however they like, but are foolish to believe there will be no change in how they are treated.


That’s not my point…There will always be scantily clad women in the world. Women who are homewreckers. Women who enjoy sleeping with married and attached men. This is completely beside the point. It is the man’s job to respect his relationship not the females of poor character. If a man can’t be respectful to his relationship because of scantily clad women, then whose issue is that really?


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Well good point. Amend to add: Option 3 in that list, he is emotionally at a 20 year old level, or below.
> 
> 
> That’s not my point…There will always be scantily clad women in the world. Women who are homewreckers. Women who enjoy sleeping with married and attached men. This is completely beside the point. It is the man’s job to respect his relationship not the females of poor character. If a man can’t be respectful to his relationship because of scantily clad women, then whose issue is that really?


A woman can change the dynamic of a relationship merely by being scantily dressed. It is ultimately the responsibility of the man to honor his marriage vows, but a woman can absolutely tip the scales by her choice of dress.


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## green_eyed_girl (9 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Issue #1: You think these girls should be responsible for your fiance's choices by dressing and behaving "appropriately", and that your fiance would have better boundaries if by some chance he was not surrounded by sophomoric females who use cocktail napkins as a shirt. They are responsible for turning him on in your mind. This is pretty insulting not only to women as a whole, but also to men who are reduced to a walking penis that has no control over whom he might penetrate next.


I don’t blame those girls. I described how they dress to describe the situation. 



loblawbobblog said:


> Women are free to dress however they like, but are foolish to believe there will be no change in how they are treated.





QuietRiot said:


> Issue #1: You think these girls should be responsible for your fiance's choices by dressing and behaving "appropriately", and that your fiance would have better boundaries if by some chance he was not surrounded by sophomoric females who use cocktail napkins as a shirt. They are responsible for turning him on in your mind. This is pretty insulting not only to women as a whole, but also to men who are reduced to a walking penis that has no control over whom he might penetrate next.


You think this situation is only about girls dressed provocatively. I’m not jealous of girls he might see on the street or any place. It’s about the nature of the interaction too. They might try to seduce him for the grade and also just because women like a man in power and older. 
And it’s constant interaction for a whole academic year. Not just a woman he might see one time and get turned on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don’t blame those girls. I described how they dress to describe the situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're repeating yourself.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

So many red flags, not helped by the general perception of male professors being rabid womanizers. Who he is as a person is far more important than what he does for a job, this might be a good time for you to learn this lesson. 
Read 'Not Just Friends' by doctor Shirley Glass and get him to read too, see if his perspective on close opposite sex friends is a match for yours. If it isn't then move on.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

loblawbobblog said:


> A woman can change the dynamic of a relationship merely by being scantily dressed. It is ultimately the responsibility of the man to honor his marriage vows, but a woman can absolutely tip the scales by her choice of dress.


What are you talking about? He isn’t in a relationship with a scantily clad fiancée. He’s failing to create boundaries with scantily clad coeds… are you saying a man is powerless and can’t keep his pants in place because of a crop top? Wow.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> What are you talking about? He isn’t in a relationship with a scantily clad fiancée. He’s failing to create boundaries with scantily clad coeds… are you saying a man is powerless and can’t keep his pants in place because of a crop top? Wow.


Wow is right. That's not what I'm saying at all. Are you saying the amount of flesh a woman shows in public has no impact whatsoever?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I don’t blame those girls. I described how they dress to describe the situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There WILL be girls that try to seduce him. For a night, a week, or maybe they think they want him for keeps. But you’re missing the point, it’s your fiancé who encourages this in thought, and in action. He has weak boundaries and displays all the red flags for cheaters. that’s on him not these girls. What you tolerate is on you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

loblawbobblog said:


> Wow is right. That's not what I'm saying at all. Are you saying the amount of flesh a woman shows in public has no impact whatsoever?


Effect/impact on what? On cheating? No. Their attitude has more to do with that. Not every girl that wears a tube top or booty shorts wants whatever dude comes her way. A young woman with a seductive attitude and well fitting clothes that cover everything could entice a cheater all the same. It’s about the type of person not the fashionwear.

A man who loves and values his wife and/or family wouldn’t be enticed to cheat regardless of the state of undress of the seductress.

There ARE men that are easily led around by their little brain. They reap what they sow and are easily manipulated. We see it all the time.


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## 343359 (Apr 8, 2020)

green_eyed_girl said:


> My fiance is a University professor and he likes to be perceived as a "cool professor" and also helps the students apply for scholarships outside class, this last part is not his duty but he does it because he wants. Lately this situation is making me feel jealous especially when I see young girls dressed provocatively around him or when I hear the stories he tells me to the point that I wish he had another job. How do you think I should deal with this? His stories are about his colleges flirting with students. And how his students love him. Like for example he told me one girl nearly cried in his class because it’s the end of the year so they will not do anymore lessons with him. He told her that she can come to his class next year too. He also tells me how some students were dressed provocatively. And an email a student sent him saying something like thank you professor you’re so good and smiling emoji. I think he loves the attention and being a “cool professor”. These girls are acting inappropriately and immature. Their clothes alone are very inappropriate for university. His stories are also about his colleges flirting and he also suspects sleeping with students. He also tells me that some students are sluts and make him uncomfortable because of the way they dress. He tells me without me asking. My reaction is trying to play it cool at first, but it’s difficult to hide my feelings forever. I’m not comfortable to tell him that there's something that bothers me because he isn’t doing something which can be considered as cheating. What can I tell him that I want to change if there isn’t anything he’s doing? I worry about the fact that all our lives he will be a professor and when I’m older too. Some girls will try to seduce a professor just for the grade. And they dress very provocatively in a way that no one in a job place dresses. When I knew my fiance he was a nerd phd student. He was shy and didn't know his value. I still look good but I worry about the future as men like 20 something girls no matter their age. Students are so irresponsible wear short tops showing their belly in class and shorts. No one dresses at a job like that. Not married coworkers. And he is in a position of power and needs to give them grades. Every year has the possibility to know new young girls. We all know that the more successful a man is the more women want him. But with his job this is out of proportions. It would be far better for me if he had another job. I’m suffering. I think I have a reason to worry otherwise I would be jealous of his coworkers too or any other young woman he sees on the street, but I'm jealous only about students. It’s also his position as a professor. Girls might flirt just for the grade. And most women genuinely like older men and in a position of power. If he wasn’t their professor they probably wouldn’t even notice him. I'm not considering asking him to leave his job. I know it's impossible as he worked hard to be a professor and was a straight A student and always wanted to become a professor. And likes it so much to be a "cool professor". It's just hard for me. it will be easier if he was doing another job and didn't have this temptation. I don’t know how to trust him. He at least should not tell me these stories. I never tell him when when someone tries to flirt with me or anything that can make him jealous.


 Obviously he is someone who is not use to getting attention and don’t know how to act while receiving it! You definitely have to have a conversation about this situation or it will torture you! One he want you to know that he is wanted else where which is something to look out for because when a person do that they are letting you know if you want do a certain thing I know someone else who will! He threading on thin lines just mentioning how those kids are dressing! Either he is completely against it Or he really loves it! He can’t make boundaries concerning things with his job unless you say something! Don’t just go in on everything just casually mention a few things that bother you but keep it lite to check his respond so you can know how to talk to him about the deep issues!


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## gabriellewilson36cb (7 mo ago)

good point


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He’s 33. I don’t think he would’ve get fired as he’s not doing something that crosses the line


Most men enjoy this kind of unadulterated worship that young students are so good at. i am sure the college has policies about fraternising with students and having inappropriate relationships with students. I know some older academics often cross that line and it is often part of the job esp when there is no policy on dress code etc.
I would tell your fiancé that it makes you uncomfortable, that he might get a reputation (which ultimately is frowned upon) and he needs to set strong boundaries otherwise you might reconsider marrying him as you cannot be with someone who doesn't have boundaries nor how disrespectful it is to you.
What do you work at, maybe play him at his own game and see how he likes it. Sounds like he is letting the flattery get to his head a bit too much.

You appear to be from Albania, is your husband from somewhere else?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

green_eyed_girl said:


> m not sharing things of this nature, but it won't really change the situation. And I'm a little bit in shock from this as I don't know what I want to change. If I don't know myself, what can I say if he asks me what I want him to do?
> 
> It's also a little bit the way he reacts. For example when he told me "proudly" that a students had sent him a heart emonji in an email saying that he is the best professor, I said to him "do students sent emonjis to all professors?" He said yes because they don't know how to write an email. I became cold and started to focus on something else and wouldn't answer him.
> It turned out it was a face emonji, not a heart one. He had exaggerated it.
> ...





green_eyed_girl said:


> If I tell him, will he change career? No. Will this feed his ego more? Yes. Will it confirm to him that those younger girls are a threat to me? Yes. If I don't believe I'm better, how can he believe this?
> I would love to be completely honest with my partner and share this and be understood, but he can't understand. He will think I'm controlling.


Play him at his own game. Start telling him about the compliment you got today from a mature student who is really handsome. The great email from two other students, etc etc. Male up stories that mirror his, and see how he reacts. You seem to be a bit too serious and taking all of this too seriously. Your fiancé sounds immature tbh. I would take him down a peg or two and tell him that these girls are silly, they do not know the real him, etc. You need to up your game. If you feel you cannot take it and he is being too disrespectful, then leave him. He is not the one for you.

Much of this is to do with your own insecurities. Why would you feel threatened by silly immature college girls who probably have little between their ears. You are a smart educated woman, and you are the one he goes home to every night.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Making things up and playing games is not the way to a healthy relationship. Honesty and truth are what is necessary.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

green_eyed_girl said:


> He might care but he can’t sacrifice his job for this. I didn’t feel this way before so I already gave him the trust. But something changed with these things that he told me and it’s too late now to ask him to be more careful. He even told me once in an angry argument something like “I could cheat with a student”. Why exactly a student? There is something going on. I mean in his mind not necessarily real cheating.


So he said that and you still want to marry him?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cynthia said:


> Making things up and playing games is not the way to a healthy relationship. Honesty and truth are what is necessary.


@Cynthia I agree but if OP refuses to do anything suggested at least let him see indirectly how hurtful his sharing is. Sometimes people need a good dose of reality to change their ways.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

green_eyed_girl said:


> i thought the fact that he tells me what happened is a sign that he trusts me


I utterly disagree with this interpretation. What do you tell your partner at the end of the day?? You tell them the things you are thinking about. Is he telling you how a student figured something out? How research is going? How office politics are a problem? He is telling you that a student is a **** (and he knows this how?) and he is telling you how they flirt and how they are dressed provocatively. THIS is what he is thinking about.

If he has not slept with one of them, he is dreaming about it and hoping to do it. I'd bet the farm.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Dump this dude. If you don’t you’ll be asking about cheating again in 2 years or so


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## SabrineTow (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So he said that and you still want to marry him?


that would be ridiculous X_X


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew a woman, well, a girl really, many years ago who dressed very conservatively. 

Didn't stop her targeting an older, married man who had children and instigating an affair with him.

Dress demurely doesn't always signify decency.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

green_eyed_girl said:


> My fiance is a University professor and he likes to be perceived as a "cool professor" and also helps the students apply for scholarships outside class, this last part is not his duty but he does it because he wants.
> Lately this situation is making me feel jealous especially when I see young girls dressed provocatively around him or when I hear the stories he tells me to the point that I wish he had another job.
> How do you think I should deal with this?
> 
> ...




He's baiting you. He's probably just like these colleagues of his. He's saying terrible things about his students to make you believe that he finds it absolutely repulsive so that you won't suspect him of anything.

That you'll automatically believe him and take his side.

He's acting inappropriately with these students.



I would suggest that you leave, before it gets worse...it will get worse..it's not good now.

You're already falling for it. Look at you attacking and insulting, and insinuating things about these young that you don't know.


He knows that you're jealous and insecure so he's using that to play you too.

He shouldn't be concerned about what these young ladies are wearing and what they're doing in their personal life. Nor should he be imagining inappropriate things about his students, nor insulting them.


No one is a "****".nor is it appropriate for anybody, especially him being their professor to refer to them as that.

He calls them that because he's been imagining them in inappropriate ways with him. If he hasn't he will do more than imagine.

He may be one or become one of those professors who tell the young women in his class that he'll fail them if they don't do what he wants.


Just leave. Get therapy


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I’m afraid if I tell him that it bothers me, he will not open up anymore to me and I will lose important information about him.
> He will feel judged for his behavior which he considers normal.
> I want this to change not just not telling me about it.


As hard as it is and it shouldnt be hard if you love someone you have to be completely honest with everything especially when it affects how you as a person feels.. to comprise this will led couples down a path that neither one of them wants!! how can you trust someone with your heart and be completly vulnerble to them if you cant trust completly . And more importantly why be in a relationship in which you are affraid to be honest ? Is that a relationship you want to invest in ? Fight for the relationship you want which is one where you can both be open about everything no matter how insignificant it may appair to be !!


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

green_eyed_girl said:


> I like to talk about what I know, not worry about what could potentially happen


But here you are......worrying about what could potentially happen.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Lots of people have different opinions on the whole opposite sex friends thing - I recommend you read Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. 
Personally I would not be ok with this. Don't let other people try to label or shame you for their preferences, a lot of people would not be ok with this.


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