# Wife Might be Having an EA



## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

I don't want to re-write everything I posted in a different thread on this site, but someone suggested that I post something here to hopefully provide some insight and/or suggestions for me. Please read the following thread (listed below). It first started off solely as how to get my sex life back with me wife, but it eventually turned into something relating to my wife having an EA with an "old friend." 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/26794-wife-not-interested-sex-anymore.html

I'm absolutely devastated by all of this, and really need everyone's help with this. I've heard lots of great suggestions, but want to hear more.

Thanks everyone.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

i meant to respond to this one but my comment is appended to the "Wife Not Interested in Sex Anymore" thread. Please read what I say there. You need to hear it now before this gets too out of hand.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Somedude,

Ok. All that you are doing is wrong, here's why.

Your wife has no respect for your boundaries. When you continually compromise them out f fear of losing her, you make yourself more pathetic in her eyes.

You need to drop this fear. You can never be afraid of losing your wife. Why? Because, as stated above, your fear compromises your boundaries. 
Have you read the man up books. No more mr nice guy. Hold onto your nuts.
Those two books will give you a head start on your new journey. The Manning up journey.

Now, this will sound counterintuitive, but only because yo are still filled with fear. That fear of loss makes you a doormat. Doormats aren't sexy. Doormats make your wife lose respect for you. Loss of respect is followed by loss of desire. Loss of desire is followed by loss of sex. 

Give your wife an ultimatum. Who cares if she doesn't like them. The ultimatum is not for her, it's for you. You need to know wether she's committed or not. If she is...she needs to be all in. If she's not, the at least you Know it's time to move on. her comment is her way of not having to make that decision. She wants to force you into limbo. You don't wan to be there. Limbo is not fun.

So...stop telling her you love her. Stop hugging her. Tell her she's not allowed into your marital bed. At least until she's committed. When you do these affections, you tell her she's more important than you. And, you are in effect rewarding her for her bad behavior. Stop the cuddling sh$t. Now. Don't do any of this stuff until you get sn answer to your ultimatum. After that, then you can start workin on the marriage.

Start working on you. Get a hobby. Get out of the house more. Get strong. Read those books. Define your boundaries. Become again the man your wife fell in love with. You know....not the doormat. Start being a man. Show your wife you can be perfectly happy without her around.

When your wife notices this....and she knows you have boundaries you will not compromise...she will start to respect you. You need that respect. After that comes desire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh. And never ever ever be passive about discussing things ith your wife. Never be scared of bringing up a topic or conversation that is important to you. Being scared of her reaction if you bring up a discussion is smother doormat behavior. Not sexy at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You can't live in fear.

If you do, you will one day be cast aside like so much garbage. Are you a piece of garbage to be thrown away? Of course not! But you will be if you don't overcome this fear. 

Look at the Bill of Rights!

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> You can't live in fear.
> 
> If you do, you will one day be cast aside like so much garbage. Are you a piece of garbage to be thrown away? Of course not! But you will be if you don't overcome this fear.
> 
> ...


This is so good I thought it should be here in full. It should be a sticky.

I don’t agree with 11 though especially if the BS wants reconciliation and to make the marriage a better one.


From: Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights

In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.

1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.

4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.

5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.

6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.

7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honours NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.

8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.

9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.

10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.

11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.

12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.

13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.

14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honour and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.

15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I don’t agree with 11 though especially if the BS wants reconciliation and to make the marriage a better one.


Exposure is usually a more drastic step in killing the affair when the WS is so deep in the affair and unwilling to stop it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think the affair should always be exposed to the cheated on spouse.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think the affair should always be exposed to the cheated on spouse.


Good rule of thumb


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

AFEH said:


> This is so good I thought it should be here in full. It should be a sticky.
> 
> I don’t agree with 11 though especially if the BS wants reconciliation and to make the marriage a better one.
> 
> ...


Other than #4 I agree. You have no obligation to behave better than the OP. Too PC for me. YMMV. In fact behaving better is an enabler of affairs. Scorched earth policy is not wrong. IMHO. You have every right to make that persons life totally miserable.

I might add that I have not been a BS.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Somedude,
> 
> Ok. All that you are doing is wrong, here's why.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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