# How do I get over my wife cheating on me?



## geral (Oct 18, 2014)

I never thought I would end up in a place like this but here I am. I found out over a month ago that my wife was cheating on me with a co-worker. I left the house with the intent of getting a divorce but she convinced me to come back and said she was sorry. I really only came back home because I missed the kids and she seemed to be genuinely sorry. We've started to go to counseling but I feel that it isn't helping us. She has tried a few times to blame her affair on me but I told her that no matter what I did, she had no right to cheat on me. Whenever I get upset about all this, she is nice and seems sorry for a few days and then when she gets comfortable. She just goes back to trying to be a couple like nothing ever happened. 

I feel in my heart that she is not sorry for what she did. It's hard to explain it but she has a certain arrogance about her now that makes me very upset. I try to ignore it but in the mornings she gets up early and showers and literally spends a hour in the bathroom getting ready for work. When we go out, she spends 5 minutes in the bathroom and then she's ready. I feel like she puts her friends above me. I feel like she would save her friend's life before saving mine. I feel that she doesn't care about me and is only her so I can take care of chores and the kids while she does her dirt.

Maybe I'm nitpicking or maybe there's something else going but I'm really not happy with my life and the way things are going. I've read about the 180 and that's what I want to do. I want to have more confidence and I want to work on me. I know I need to lost 50 lbs but I can't even find the energy or motivation to get to the gym. I want to be able to emotionally detach from her so I can show her that I don't need her in my life. It's just I can't find the energy. Between work, school, and taking care of the kids and the house, I have no time or energy to work on myself. I want to know how guys get motivated to get off their butt and turn their life around after going through what I am going through. Things may work out with her but I don't know. Either way, I want to know how I can rebuild my life and one day be happy again.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

Hate to say this, but the affair is NOT over, it just went deeper underground. Her arrogance and morning ritual is the tell.

Why is she still working there? And did you expose the affair to friends and family?
If not, then you might want to do it now.
Also you want to let the guys wife know too.


----------



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

She is still working with the OM? She is not remorseful? She is blaming you? 

It sounds like the affair has not ended.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What you do now is shutup and read the WeightLifter's evidence gathering thread. Right now she is so deep in the affair fog she's sure she got you fool. Let her keep thinking that.

Also, you should be putting together a plan. Do you want to D or R after she is busted.

I'll tell you this now, go buy a couple of VAR's. One well hidden under the driver's seat of her car has buster more WS than anything else.
Now this time get it right.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

G you sound depressed. Go see your Dr. for something to help with that.

How do guys get moving?? By taking baby steps until they are able to run.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jin said:


> She is still working with the OM? She is not remorseful? She is blaming you?
> 
> It sounds like the affair has not ended.


:iagree:

This is a workplace affair. She MUST quit her job with the OM. As long as they work together, there can never be NC. NC is an absolute essential if there is to be any chance of R.

Then its time to expose the affair to the OMW/OMGF.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> What you do now is shutup and read the WeightLifter's evidence gathering thread. Right now she is so deep in the affair fog she's sure she got you fool. Let her keep thinking that.
> 
> Also, you should be putting together a plan. Do you want to D or R after she is busted.
> 
> ...


How will this help? The OP already knows she is cheating, so why spend the money just to confirm what he already knows.?
OP, all you really need to do, is decide if you want to divorce or not. You know she is a cheater, and you know she isn't remorseful, do you really want to save a marriage with such a person?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

geral said:


> I never thought I would end up in a place like this but here I am. I found out over a month ago that my wife was cheating on me with a co-worker. I left the house with the intent of getting a divorce but she convinced me to come back and said she was sorry. I really only came back home because I missed the kids and she seemed to be genuinely sorry. We've started to go to counseling but I feel that it isn't helping us. She has tried a few times to blame her affair on me but I told her that no matter what I did, she had no right to cheat on me. Whenever I get upset about all this, she is nice and seems sorry for a few days and then when she gets comfortable. She just goes back to trying to be a couple like nothing ever happened.
> 
> I feel in my heart that she is not sorry for what she did. It's hard to explain it but she has a certain arrogance about her now that makes me very upset. I try to ignore it but in the mornings she gets up early and showers and literally spends a hour in the bathroom getting ready for work. When we go out, she spends 5 minutes in the bathroom and then she's ready. I feel like she puts her friends above me. I feel like she would save her friend's life before saving mine. I feel that she doesn't care about me and is only her so I can take care of chores and the kids while she does her dirt.
> 
> Maybe I'm nitpicking or maybe there's something else going but I'm really not happy with my life and the way things are going. I've read about the 180 and that's what I want to do. I want to have more confidence and I want to work on me. I know I need to lost 50 lbs but I can't even find the energy or motivation to get to the gym. I want to be able to emotionally detach from her so I can show her that I don't need her in my life. It's just I can't find the energy. Between work, school, and taking care of the kids and the house, I have no time or energy to work on myself. I want to know how guys get motivated to get off their butt and turn their life around after going through what I am going through. Things may work out with her but I don't know. Either way, I want to know how I can rebuild my life and one day be happy again.


Since it doesn't matter, just cheat on her back. A cheater thinks they are special until you do it to them. Then you are a dirty dog. Maybe screw the other guys gf if you can.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like your wife faced absolutely no consequences from you for what she did. Which usually solves nothing or leads to even more problems related to infidelity.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

geral said:


> I feel that she doesn't care about me and is only her so I can take care of chores and the kids while she does her dirt.


:iagree:



OldWolf57 said:


> Hate to say this, but the affair is NOT over, it just went deeper underground. Her arrogance and morning ritual is the tell.


:iagree::iagree:

Quite a few wayward spouses (WS) operate as if they’re working with a net. By that I mean that they think they will never be caught and if they are their betrayed spouse (BS) will never leave them. You mentioned losing weight. Your wife considers herself (and her friends) to be higher on the desirability scale than you. Because of that you will never leave her. You’re the comfortable old shoe that she needs for the kids. 



geral said:


> Whenever I get upset about all this, she is nice and seems sorry for a few days and then when she gets comfortable. She just goes back to trying to be a couple like nothing ever happened.


She always knew that to get you to stay all she would have to do is pat you on the head and say the right things. As time goes by she'll get tired of doing this and tell you to just get over it. 

She won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I understand that you’re depressed but the only way to improve the situation is to work on yourself. 



geral said:


> Between work, school, and taking care of the kids and the house, I have no time or energy to work on myself.


Then something needs to give because it’s vital to work on yourself now.


----------



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: How do I get over my wife cheating on me?*



OldWolf57 said:


> G you sound depressed. Go see your Dr. for something to help with that.
> 
> How do guys get moving?? By taking baby steps until they are able to run.


I agree. You should get some help for yourself. Then deal with your WW. 

You need to gather evidence so you can state to anyone who cares what your WW is doing and new able to back it up with details. If the POSOM is married then his wife needs to know.


----------



## geral (Oct 18, 2014)

She offered to quit her job back when I moved out but I told her to keep it. My thinking was that if he did end up divorcing, she would need a job to help cover her side of things for the kids. I've already confronted the guy and he admitted that things went to far and that he will back off. Both of them said that nothing sexual happened but she did admit to kissing.

Maybe it's hard for me to move on because she is still hiding something. One minute, I feel like things will work and the next minute I just want to pack up all my stuff and leave. I've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt since she says she wants to work on things but she just doesn't understand that just by me seeing her spend an hour in the mirror every morning is enough to get me upset. I just want to focus on getting my life back on track and show her that I don't need her.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

geral said:


> She offered to quit her job back when I moved out but I told her to keep it. My thinking was that if he did end up divorcing, she would need a job to help cover her side of things for the kids. I've already confronted the guy and he admitted that things went to far and that he will back off. Both of them said that nothing sexual happened but she did admit to kissing.
> 
> Maybe it's hard for me to move on because she is still hiding something. One minute, I feel like things will work and the next minute I just want to pack up all my stuff and leave. I've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt since she says she wants to work on things but she just doesn't understand that just by me seeing her spend an hour in the mirror every morning is enough to get me upset. I just want to focus on getting my life back on track and show her that I don't need her.


The first thing you need to do, is change your mindset. For example, why should YOU be the one to leave? Why not her? Why should you be doing the heavy lifting in the marriage and she doesn't even have to be honest with you.? You need to Alpha-up and begin to make your own demands.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Rookie,you have been here long enough to know that just telling BS's what they know never works.
IDK, I guess some have to know !!

Is the guy married G?
Either way, you need a plan. Not only for catching her, but for your own life.

I'm still dealing with depression myself. I lost my Mom last Feb., an aunt last Mar., a sister last July., and a brother last Dec. Blow after blow, so I kinda know how hard it is to get moving.

Take a look around at all you have achieved. You want to focus on that, to show yourself you are a doer.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Your wife and mine sound similar except (I hope) the thing didn't go physical with mine:

She's the result of a life without consequences.

And now she literally doesn't know what to do, because she's never had to deal with consequences before.


----------



## geral (Oct 18, 2014)

Jasel said:


> Sounds like your wife faced absolutely no consequences from you for what she did. Which usually solves nothing or leads to even more problems related to infidelity.


I'm curious as to what you mean by this. What kind of consequences could/should I had put in place after her affair. Maybe that's why I feel so resentful and angry. This whole thing has been on my mind every single day and she just walks around like nothing is going on and everything is ok.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

geral said:


> I'm curious as to what you mean by this. What kind of consequences could/should I had put in place after her affair. Maybe that's why I feel so resentful and angry. This whole thing has been on my mind every single day and she just walks around like nothing is going on and everything is ok.


 It is because she has you figured out. she doesn't for a minute, believe that you will leave her or kick her out, or divorce. so she feels she has nothing to worry about.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long did the affair go on?

How did you discover it?

Do you have sexual desire for your wife?

How long have you been married?

How old are your children?


----------



## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Pull the 180 hard. Stop talking to her. At all. Start making massive changes without consulting her or talking to her at all. Change your diet. Go download myfitnesspal on your phone and start tracking everything you eat. Go buy some new clothes and underwear and do not mention anything about it.

If she talks to you just blow her off. Give her non answers. Pick up a hobby and stay out late doing your hobby. Don't bother to tell her anything about it. If she asks give her very short answers. "Where have you been?" "I started sculpting."

Start going to the gym. Don't talk about this either.

Separate your money. Go open your own checking account and have your check deposited there. If she asks you about it tell her that it makes you feel safer and just drop it. If you pay the bills then use the money fairly to pay them. If she does wait until she asks you about it and tell her you'll take over the finances. Don't argue. Don't talk to her. If she starts freaking out you just up and leave. Period.

Put some fear into her for a change. Take some power back. She will never be able to understand the pain and horror she has created in you and this pain and horror, it's going to get worse as your mind slowly starts to accept what has happened. But you can pull a 180 and show her what she's going to lose.

You're going to have to do this for months and months at a minimum.

You've got this. We all believe in you These are things you have control over. These are things you can do. Now go do them and come back and give us updates about you.

Do you have children?


----------



## geral (Oct 18, 2014)

Yes we do have 3 boys and we have been married to each other for 12 years. To LongWalk, I found out about the affair through her emails and texts.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I know I need to lost 50 lbs but I can't even find the energy or motivation to get to the gym. I want to be able to emotionally detach from her so I can show her that I don't need her in my life. It's just I can't find the energy. Between work, school, and taking care of the kids and the house, I have no time or energy to work on myself. I want to know how guys get motivated to get off their butt and turn their life around after going through what I am going through.


You're going to get a lot of advice on the 180, the cheating, etc. But I'm going to answer this question....

Google P90X3. Or Focus T-25. If you've got 30 minutes a day (and you do), you can do this in your living room, garage, spare room, whatever. Screw the gym. Don't waste the time you'd be driving to a gym when you could be working out instead. This is a perfect program for someone on a tight schedule, with little time. God knows I seem to have NO time to do this stuff, but I've been doing it religiously, 5 to 6 days a week, for 8 months now. Down 40 pounds, and am looking (and feeling) GOOD.

Do yourself this favor. 

This is part of the 180 as well. Focus on yourself. Improve yourself.


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

geral said:


> I never thought I would end up in a place like this but here I am. I found out over a month ago that my wife was cheating on me with a co-worker. I left the house with the intent of getting a divorce but she convinced me to come back and said she was sorry. I really only came back home because I missed the kids and she seemed to be genuinely sorry. We've started to go to counseling but I feel that it isn't helping us. She has tried a few times to blame her affair on me but I told her that no matter what I did, she had no right to cheat on me. Whenever I get upset about all this, she is nice and seems sorry for a few days and then when she gets comfortable. She just goes back to trying to be a couple like nothing ever happened.
> 
> I feel in my heart that she is not sorry for what she did. It's hard to explain it but she has a certain arrogance about her now that makes me very upset. I try to ignore it but in the mornings she gets up early and showers and literally spends a hour in the bathroom getting ready for work. When we go out, she spends 5 minutes in the bathroom and then she's ready. I feel like she puts her friends above me. I feel like she would save her friend's life before saving mine. I feel that she doesn't care about me and is only her so I can take care of chores and the kids while she does her dirt.
> 
> Maybe I'm nitpicking or maybe there's something else going but I'm really not happy with my life and the way things are going. I've read about the 180 and that's what I want to do. I want to have more confidence and I want to work on me. I know I need to lost 50 lbs but I can't even find the energy or motivation to get to the gym. I want to be able to emotionally detach from her so I can show her that I don't need her in my life. It's just I can't find the energy. Between work, school, and taking care of the kids and the house, I have no time or energy to work on myself. I want to know how guys get motivated to get off their butt and turn their life around after going through what I am going through. Things may work out with her but I don't know. Either way, I want to know how I can rebuild my life and one day be happy again.


You get moving by doing. There is no magic pill. No external magic burst of motivation. You simply DO. Mostly when you don't want to. 

STOP eating garbage. Today. You will not lose weight unless you change what you eat. Don't do some silly diet. It's basic: Lots of veggies, some fruits, some lean proteins (chicken & fish). Burn more calories than you take in. Drop your sugar/caffeine addictions. This is hard for the first 3 days. After that, you will feel better - much better.

Get out and start walking. Today. Then start running. Then start lifting (a must for men). This will build your body the way it was meant to be as well as produce testosterone. Start off easy. I recommend you get a check up first, but at least walk starting today. Exercise gives you amazing mental and physical bandwidth. You are going to need it.

You have to start meeting your own needs. Today. Stop relying on your wife to do so. Focus on yourself first, then the kids. No one else is going to take care of you - including emotionally. You do it. It sounds like your the "giver" type. Maybe to an excess. Recommend you peruse or read CoDependent No More by Melanie Beattie.

Read: MMSLP, No More Mister Nice Guy, the Rational Male (a must). 

Get couseling: Get individual counseling. I recommend stop MC until you get yourself into a better spot. You've been wounded and you don't sound well. This goes back to meeting your own needs first. If you need medication for depression, do so. 

You need a reboot. YOU have to start it.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

geral said:


> I never thought I would end up in a place like this but here I am. I found out over a month ago that my wife was cheating on me with a co-worker. I left the house with the intent of getting a divorce but she convinced me to come back and said she was sorry. I really only came back home because I missed the kids and she seemed to be genuinely sorry. We've started to go to counseling but I feel that it isn't helping us. She has tried a few times to blame her affair on me but I told her that no matter what I did, she had no right to cheat on me. Whenever I get upset about all this, she is nice and seems sorry for a few days and then when she gets comfortable. She just goes back to trying to be a couple like nothing ever happened.
> 
> I feel in my heart that she is not sorry for what she did. It's hard to explain it but she has a certain arrogance about her now that makes me very upset. I try to ignore it but in the mornings she gets up early and showers and literally spends a hour in the bathroom getting ready for work. When we go out, she spends 5 minutes in the bathroom and then she's ready. I feel like she puts her friends above me. I feel like she would save her friend's life before saving mine. I feel that she doesn't care about me and is only her so I can take care of chores and the kids while she does her dirt.
> 
> Maybe I'm nitpicking or maybe there's something else going but I'm really not happy with my life and the way things are going. I've read about the 180 and that's what I want to do. I want to have more confidence and I want to work on me. *I know I need to lost 50 lbs but I can't even find the energy or motivation to get to the gym. I want to be able to emotionally detach from her so I can show her that I don't need her in my life. It's just I can't find the energy. Between work, school, and taking care of the kids and the house, I have no time or energy to work on myself.* I want to know how guys get motivated to get off their butt and turn their life around after going through what I am going through. Things may work out with her but I don't know. Either way, I want to know how I can rebuild my life and one day be happy again.


Very gently..you know that is crock right?

You need to lose weight, then start eating right, do a little more walking etc, it doesn't have to be strenuous 2 hr gym sessions.

Your wife is more confident because she literally got to have her cake and eat it. Did she see a MC or an IC? What work has she done except say I'm sorry and move on?

Instead of complaining how you can't do this and that. leave the kids with her, go out, shoot hoops, bowl or whatever. Have some quality time for yourself.

But you need to get to the root of why she did what she did, and if you resent the fact she spends more time getting ready to try and impress workmates etc and only spending five minutes because it's just you, a MC maybe a good place to air your feelings.

But most importantly start building yourself back up again. Sitting there doing nothing is really not going to help is it?

Good luck.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> How will this help? The OP already knows she is cheating, so why spend the money just to confirm what he already knows.?
> OP, all you really need to do, is decide if you want to divorce or not. You know she is a cheater, and you know she isn't remorseful, do you really want to save a marriage with such a person?


Rookie - You've never known the uncertainty of what was happening because your wife came clean at D-day. Consider that your perspective is tainted from a rare D-day. TT and gas-lighting are the norm.

Your going against proven advice. She may be cheating still, or she may just be having a hard time with the remorse. The former would be a reason to end it, the latter may give R a chance. The OP deserves to know which it is.

I think you're pro-reconciliation, right? Knowing the truth gives him the best chance of that happening.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

So he's going and you're not. Don't take much to figure out why she don't want you there.

Also I remember reading you have gone with her before, so why can't you stay with her ?
Also remember someone mentioning pen VARs.
I mean come on man, what guy don't have access to at least a 100 bucks for emergencies.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

geral said:


> Whenever I get upset about all this, she is nice and seems sorry for a few days and then when she gets comfortable. She just goes back to trying to be a couple like nothing ever happened.


 Then don't let her get comfortable. She shouldn't be comfortable. She's the on that cheated, in all honesty, she should be walking on egg shells.

Hey pal, the problem you have is you aren't stepping up to the plate and letting your presence felt. She's got control and your giving it to her. If you feel your getting the short end of the stick, then open your mouth and let her know that she needs to make some serious changes and not for a day or two.

She did you wrong and has not had to suffer the consequences for her behavior. That;s your fault. If this guy is married, then you let his wife know about it. If your wife gets pissed off about it then tell her that she is more than welcome to pack up and leave.

You should have at least handed her sheets, blanket and a pillow and pointed to the couch or the spare room and told her that the main bedroom is off limits.

All in all if your not happy, then file, have her served at work where she'll finally get it through her head that she's in trouble and maybe that will wake her ass up. If you can work it out then you can always call of the divorce but at least she'll know that she either straightens out her act or she's gone. It's up to you.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

geral said:


> I've already confronted the guy and he admitted that things went to far and that he will back off. *Both of them said that nothing sexual happened but she did admit to kissing.*


We hear this around hear a lot. Usually adults don't stop at kissing.



geral said:


> Yes we do have 3 boys and we have been married to each other for 12 years. To LongWalk, I found out about the affair through her emails and texts.


Do the emails and texts indicates that things stopped with kissing?


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hugging = oral

Kissing = full on sex

This is cheater speak to minimize your pain. Ain't that nice of them. Already prepared with a story. Don't buy it.

180, start the D process, you can always cancel. List your demands if you want to R after she's been served. Make her earn you back and earn your trust. Words mean nothing. Actions are everything.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Sounds like she's taking advantage of you. You're her support system to take care of the house, kids, the routine. She needs you in place to keep her life together.

Do you feel she's generally lost respect for you? That is hard to get back from a woman, unless something extraordinary happens.

As far as getting your mojo back. Take it simple. Stay active, eat WAY less, don't eat ANY crap, and keep yourself moving. Take an ultra-short term view of things. One day at a time, or even a few hours at a time.

Stand up and carry yourself like a prizefighter looking to deck someone. People will notice, and you'll get energy from that.

Basically, just don't lie down.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she given you a timeline of the A?

What is she doing to help you with the pain? How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

Have her get a different job and has she exposed the OM to his family and confessed to her family?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me I wasn't going to let my old ladys crap define me. I kept telling my self that "I deserved good thing" and repeated it every time those bad thoughts would get into my head.

I also told my wife she needed to start pulling her own weight with regards to chores around the house. She needed to start talking and help me under stand why she made the choice she made. After all it was a choice and you had no part in her choice.

The more we talked and the more I knew it was clearer to see what she had become. As shameful as it was for my old lady she had to own her crap in front of me.

Do not let her bull crap define you you are better then that.

Its time you raise your attraction level and dust your @ss off and show your old lady you will be fine with out her. Its time you stop acting like some whipped dog and start acting like you can beat this and she will not keep you down....

Phuck those house chores let your old lady pick up the slack while you go to the gym.....it's time your old lady pick up the slack cuz it's time for you to get things done for your self........you need to heal!

You are still letting her walk all over you ...emotionally speaking.....Phuck her its time for your old lady to do the heavy lifting to keep you around and not the other way around.

Your old lady thinks your a door mate it's time to show her she is wrong!


I mean really ...you start acting like a jerk (in her mind)...what is she going to do cheat on you?

I say if your old lady really wants this marriage lets see how bad she wants it.....cuz she sure as hell won't want this marriage if she has a whipped dog for a husband.

So enough of the self pity brother...you ain't the only one going through this sh1t! Get off your butt and take care of your self....your kids are depending on you!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce her. You are her doormat. She is not remorseful and probably still fvcking her scumbucket. Take control of your life. Do the 180 hard and religious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Right after I found out my husband had been cheating on me for many many years, I was in a very bad accident. 

I was in a wheelchair, couldn't use my right arm or hand, had to go to physical therapy, gained 25 pounds.....

To top if off, I cracked my tooth on a peanut and was missing a tooth for a few months while waiting to have an implant. It was a pretty low point. 

I was always petite, big boobs, long blonde hair..... Then, I was a mess.

It took me four years to get to a place where I finally felt that I was almost back to normal. Boy, did I find out who my friends and family were made of. Mostly, not much. 

I took it slow, I had to..

I cried in the shower almost every day. I felt so bad for my kids. God, it was such a horrible time. But I did it. By this past summer, I lost the weight, regained most of my strength, changed my diet, moved, got a divorce, lost most of my money.

But I am doing, feeling, and looking great. 

Your down now and you will have set backs but don't give up and don't beat yourself up. 

Baby steps. Really. Just one day, one step, one minute at a time and you will get there. 

I have two teens that were younger when all this started so I understand the working and kids part. 

I agree with the 180. Take some time for yourself. Let your wife deal with dinner, school activities, housework, for a night or two. You don't have to be a gym rat. Just take a walk. Take your kids with you. 

Take a bike ride if the weather permits. If not, get you and your kids some bikes for Christmas and plan for the spring. Little stuff, that's all.

You've been gut kicked and your wife did a really Sh!tty thing. You can recover and be a greater man with not too much effort. 
Teach your kids about responsibility, not taking Sh!t without being a d!ck, not to be hard on yourself. You can do this. 

If you need anxiety medication or sleep medication, tell your doctor what's been going on and explain you need some help. 

Lots of us have done this. I had to ask for an AIDS test and an STD panel from my doctor. Very humiliating. 

I rode it out and I am in a great place now and I know my kids saw what I had to do (mostly because of my accident and physical condition) but I know they respect me. 

Best of luck. Start fresh. 180 as soon as you can.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Rugs, Bless you Lady.

Pay attention to what she is saying dude. YOU are not the only one dealing with this.
You've achieved as much or more than most, so you have it in you to do this.

And don't think we are not reading your back paddling, now that your gut got confirmation here.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

The thing is, it just show us she is text book and just another cheater.
from her words to her actions.

Dude there is nothing special about this. If you are telling it real. Heck, even your back paddling is text book.

But ask yourself, "would they admit to lunch time quickies"?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So you just got hit with a couple of 2x4's.....

The point is....*YOU* get over your wife cheating me by having the additude that you *WILL* get over her bull sh1t....after all it's hers crap not yours!
Get hold of your self....she's the broken one.....when things got bad you did your job and kept your vows!

I'm not sure but if you are trying to keep up with her ...forget about it....she needs to keep up with you....lets see what she is really made of.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By geral
> I feel that she doesn't care about me and is only her so I can take care of chores and the kids while she does her dirt.
> I want to be able to emotionally detach from her so I can show her that I don't need her in my life
> I want to know how I can rebuild my life and one day be happy again.


I am assuming that you do not want to R by the words you have stated above. 

You have less that two months from your D-day. You are not going to be able to detach and be happy again in a few months. Work on accepting that so that you do not get the wrong expectations and get dejected even more.

How you can rebuild your life and be happy again is going to take a short range plan and a long range plan. What you need to include in your plans are getting closer to the other family members and doing things that will build you up. Some of those build ups can be doing something that you always wanted to do or working towards doing those things. In my case it was going back to Night College, getting closer with other family members, getting involved in my spiritual life, getting involved in positive activities such as organizations that help others. I also continued to excel at my work.


Your wife has a very powerful effect on your emotions right now but that does not have to be the case in the future. *You now have to concentrate on only you and your children because she can only bring you down as long as she is the way you have stated in your previous posts.*

This will take more than months but probably years. In my case I was much better after three years. However, if you continue to improve yourself you will get better every month or two. Also, being involved in your self-improvement will help you to keep your mind off the betrayal. 

You can spend months and years being absorbed with the pain but that will only slow you down or stop you all together from gaining. You can use these crises to motivate you to improve yourself a LOT. *If you stick with your self-improvement plan you will be much better in many areas and your wife will not be a significant part of your life and you can be happy again*. Your crises are very painful but you can overcome this. Many have and so can you!

*Use your anger and resentments to motivate you to win for your and your children*


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You won't get over your wife cheating on you, unless you are a doormat and can be lied to. I am a woman. When a married woman kisses another man (in the mouth), she is having a physical affair. I would venture to say that she is sleeping with this man.

From in person observations and posts in TAM, many serial cheaters shift the blame to their spouses for their wayward behavior. Cheaters in my workplace as well as cheaters in my family do the same. Cheaters in my family are not accepted well, so they shift blame to their spouses to validate their wayward behavior.

I recommend that you see a divorce lawyer immediately to protect yourself. From your posts, your wife doesn't seem to be remorseful at all. However, remorseful or not you are still hurting. Arrogant people never learn.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's time for a betrayed spouse to be arrogant...sure you will need to fake it at first...sometimes you need to fake it to make it!


----------



## geral (Oct 18, 2014)

I will be truthful and say that even though I know they probably had sex, I still keep telling myself that all they did was kiss. Still, it wouldn't make sense for 2 adults to meet up and kiss so I guess I just have to accept that they did have sex.

I did go to the gym yesterday and although I didn't do too much, it felt pretty good. All I thought about the whole time was her meeting with him and although it made me angry, it gave me the energy I needed to push through. I don't know if that's where I should be drawing energy from but it at least felt good to have something to motivate me.

I do want to reconcile and work on our marriage but right now, I really don't feel like I love her. I don't feel like she respects me and I still feel like I'm being used. I've told her about 3 times that I want to get divorced and each time, she ends up begging me to give the marriage another chance. She tries to make me feel guilty by rushing to divorce without seeing how marriage counseling will play out. She says she is sorry and says that every time I bring it up, I'm making her relive it. We end up arguing for a while until I pretty much agree to give the marriage another chance. In those moments, I feel better about our future. That feeling lasts for a day or two and then it goes back to her being arrogant. She prances around the house getting pretty before leaving and I feel that none of it is for me. She tells me she loves me and she says that she is sorry but I just don't feel it. My gut is telling me that it's just words because there is no action behind it.

Sorry for venting but I do appreciate all the advice. The other man is married with 2 sons and my wife doesn't want me to tell her. Of course, I really don't care how she feels and I kind of feel that since my life is destroyed, his wife should share some of this feeling. That may sound selfish but it's really how I feel right now.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Are you ready to really get to the bottom of this ?? If so, TELL his wife.
This is not revenge. This is a sure fire affair buster.
He will throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage.
This is also a consequence for her and him.
With him trying to save his marriage, he won't have time to bonk yours.

She is stringing you along, because she knows you don't want to D.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh, congrats on the gym. One foot in front of the other.

Also was wondering where was your anger.
Use it and stop the pity party.

The vets here can tell you song and verse her actions and words man, pay attention, and follow the advise.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Getting angry myself, gotta go blow up a few tanks on my fav site.


----------



## geral (Oct 18, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> Oh, congrats on the gym. One foot in front of the other.
> 
> Also was wondering where was your anger.
> Use it and stop the pity party.
> ...



thanks! I've actually been reading a lot of stories here and it's kind of surprising to see that a lot of wives act the same way. It's almost like she's reading a script. I've always been a passive person and that's what I need to change or else she will keep running over me.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

geral said:


> I will be truthful and say that even though I know they probably had sex, I still keep telling myself that all they did was kiss. Still, it wouldn't make sense for 2 adults to meet up and kiss so *I guess I just have to accept that they did have sex.*


Good. You have to deal with reality no matter how ugly. And part of your recovery is for her to stop lying to you.



> I do want to reconcile and work on our marriage but right now, *I really don't feel like I love her. I don't feel like she respects me and I still feel like I'm being used.* I've told her about 3 times that I want to get divorced and each time, she ends up begging me to give the marriage another chance.


What you're going through is very common. And I think you're right. How could you love her (right now) after this. How could she respect you and have an affair?



> She tries to make me feel guilty by rushing to divorce without seeing how marriage counseling will play out. She says she is sorry and says that every time I bring it up, I'm making her relive it.


 Too bad for her. Having you ask her over and over for the truth (which you haven't got yet, I suspect) is a consequence of her affair. She's still being selfish. This isn't about her. The focus should be you. If you go to marriage counselling find one that specialises in infidelity.



> My gut is telling me that it's just words because there is no action behind it.


You're correct again. Her words don't match her actions. She really has to leave that job and find another.



> Sorry for venting but I do appreciate all the advice. The other man is married with 2 sons and my wife doesn't want me to tell her. Of course, I really don't care how she feels and I kind of feel that since my life is destroyed, his wife should share some of this feeling. That may sound selfish but it's really how I feel right now.


It is only fair on the poor wife (not yours) that she knows about this. It's not right that she's living a lie. Don't tell your wife, you're going to do this, but tell the other betrayed spouse.

1. It's the morally right thing to do
2. If/When you wife comes back to you and attacks you for 'ruining a family' she's only demonstrating her loyalty to him over you.
3. Proof that the affair partners are still in contact. The affair isn't over, merely dormant.

Exposing the affair is another consequence of the affair and puts another pair of eyes on them. Your wife wants this forgotten (ru-sweeping) as soon as possible. It's not that easy. It's actually harmful for your marriage should you choose to stay in it.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

geral said:


> I will be truthful and say that even though I know they probably had sex, I still keep telling myself that all they did was kiss. Still, it wouldn't make sense for 2 adults to meet up and kiss so I guess I just have to accept that they did have sex.
> 
> I did go to the gym yesterday and although I didn't do too much, it felt pretty good. All I thought about the whole time was her meeting with him and although it made me angry, it gave me the energy I needed to push through. I don't know if that's where I should be drawing energy from but it at least felt good to have something to motivate me.
> 
> ...


Woah dude! So you want to tell her so she can feel the pain you're feeling? Are you for real?

How about telling her so she knows the truth and can make a decision on how to proceed with her future. I'm all for supporting hurt waywards, but damn that made me ill. 

I'm out. Good luck to you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I doubt if its even dormant. She fixes herself up every day for him.

This affair will go on until you tell his wife and your wife quits her job. Every time your wife sees him they just get more bonded. If he wanted to break up his family , your wife would already be gone.

Your gut knows this, listen to it. Ignoring this is why you are not getting better.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> Getting angry myself, gotta go blow up a few tanks on my fav site.


Share your therapy?
(end threadjack)

Geral- 

You're getting some good responses. Just keep going. Don't worry about what she thinks, or how she'll respond. Do what you want. 

She obviously isn't caught up worrying about what you think or want. Fire with fire.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

geral said:


> I will be truthful and say that even though I know they probably had sex, I still keep telling myself that all they did was kiss. Still, it wouldn't make sense for 2 adults to meet up and kiss so I guess I just have to accept that they did have sex.
> 
> I did go to the gym yesterday and although I didn't do too much, it felt pretty good. All I thought about the whole time was her meeting with him and although it made me angry, it gave me the energy I needed to push through. I don't know if that's where I should be drawing energy from but it at least felt good to have something to motivate me.
> 
> ...


Fvck what your wife wants. Tell the other man's wife. Don't you think that poor woman should know what a sleaze she is married to?

You are being passive and weak. Passive and weak, which is one reason your wife list attraction and respect for you. Start acting like a leader. Start being a man. Tell the other woman. 

If you want this marriage then start fighting for it. If not, see a lawyer and pull the plug. 

Christ almighty, do something man.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have a feeling this thread is going to be a waste of time. Geral will whimper and whine and not do a single thing we recommend.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Start being a man. Tell the other woman. 

*If you want this marriage then start fighting for it. If not, see a lawyer and pull the plug. *
*Christ almighty, do something man.[/*QUOTE]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

geral said:


> I will be truthful and say that even though I know they probably had sex, I still keep telling myself that all they did was kiss. Still, it wouldn't make sense for 2 adults to meet up and kiss so I guess I just have to accept that they did have sex.


So why do you accept the lies ? Is it much easier to lie to yourself than confront your wife ?

Why the pretense anymore ? What kind of life is that ?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

geral said:


> She says she is sorry and says that every time I bring it up, I'm making her relive it.
> 
> The other man is married with 2 sons and my wife doesn't want me to tell her.


 It has only been just over a month and already she is trying to get you to stop bringing it up, claiming that it makes "her relive it", as if her cheating is something that hurt her. That statement shows that in her mind, it is still all about her, and that your feelings are not that important to her. 

Her telling you that she does not want you to tell the other man's wife, shows that she is more concerned for the other man than for you. She is falsely telling you that by you telling the other man's wife you would be damaging their marriage, when the truth is that she was the one that damaged the other man's marriage when she f**ked the other woman's husband. The other man's marriage has already suffered from the impact of the affair. The other man's wife has already noticed that something is wrong in her marriage, she just does not know what. She has a right to know that she is not crazy. You need to tell her.

You are right when you say that you do not believe that she is really sorry, as the above two things prove this.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Geral

You feel anger. That is normal.

The key is to channel it.
The gym is a great step. Get back in shape for you. Not her.

The next step is to tell the OMW. Do not tell anyone before you do it.

Wait to see how long the OM goes to your wife.

And if your wife is angry at you and does not understand that this is a consequence of her cheating than she is not remorseful it ready to Reconcile.

Get going.

HM


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

geral said:


> thanks! I've actually been reading a lot of stories here and it's kind of surprising to see that a lot of wives act the same way. It's almost like she's reading a script. I've always been a passive person and that's what I need to change or else she will keep running over me.


 That's because she's way ahead of you. As an example it's like she already read the book and know the answers and you just got to page one so she got the advantage.

Now you need to level the playing field and the way you do it by not playing her game. She has to play yours. If your not happy, then do something about it. File and put her on notice that her way is done and your doing it your way with or without her. Put the ball in her corner and let her be the one that's getting no sleep and not very hungry. let her feel like the uncomfortable one in the house. Let her feel the pressure of the marriage falling apart and for good reason. she's the one at fault and until she understands that, it will remain the same.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ok. Gym. Start 2 or 3 times a week. Avoid most of the machines. Hit the free weights. If you're not too sure what to do, get a trainer. Seriously. If you want to loose fat fast, learn to do squats. It involves all your major muscles. If you focus, 10 pounds a month is very doable. 

Lastly, hit pulls ups in a serious way. They develop the "pretty" muscles. Goal is to pump out 30-40. Just do them until your muscles burnout. Get off, rest, back up. Do three sets. At the start it may look like 5 then 3 then 1 rep. Fine. Keep doing them. Burn out each time. You'll improve over time. Do elliptical for cardio. When I say rest, I mean do other muscle groups like sit-ups/crunches between pull-up reps.

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Read it several times.

Get tested for STDs. Also have your kids DNA tested. This is for shock value not a debate if they are yours. Your WW will see all this and it will hit her where it counts.

Take bloody charge of your life and your role as a man. Everything you've been taught about women is wrong. The goal of feminization of men is fraud and a huge lie on men. 

Get your testosterone levels checked. Free T should be 20-25. Total T 700-900. Estradiol 20-30. Get a doctor who understands Hormones and hormone balance. Most do not. Research www.Lef .org for information.

This is all about improving you. Nothing better than a slim, muscular guy that your W notices other women ogling. This works. Believe me. Work out.

Have her served. Become you 2.0


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Geral

Exposé to OM's wife, not to cause her pain, but to apply pressure to OM. OM's wife will watch him like a hawk. This puts light on the affair and is then no longer a secret. Affairs thrive on secrets. Tell your wife to quit her job IF you want to reconcile. I thought I could handle my WW to remain working with OM. Big mistake on my part. That ate away at me something fierce. Instead I pressured the OM to quit. Get a timeline of the affair. Have your WW answer any and all questions you have of the affair. Do IC if you need it. You have received good strong advice, it's up to you to use it. I normally don't offer advice but I noticed you are lost and bewildered by the bomb that struck your marriage. Before another bomb hits, and you find her continuing the affair, start taking action. Read stories from this section as it is an invaluable resource of what to do. I read many stories here and applied information that was useful to my situation. It worked. Anger was a great motivator for me after the shock wore off. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Exposing is the best way to stop this. OM is probably coaching her. You gotta man up now. Contact OMW. 

Would you want to know if it was the other way around?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Where were they when they kissed? 

If all you know about the affair is what your wife told you, then you know almost nothing.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Talk is cheap lets see how sorry she really is when you contact the OMW (other mans wife).

Please do your self a favor and get the consequences moving....it will show you how sorry she really is.

The biggest consequences is exposing this to the OMW. Doing this makes the consequence of reliving this shameful behavior kind of small in comparsion.

She keeps telling you she is sorry and reliving it is a small consequence for her so she thinks it keeps you around....but when you nuke the affair by telling the OMW...now she has to but her money were her mouth is.

If your old lady can handle the consequence of this kind of exposure well then you have something to work with.

I strongly suggest you do not tell your wife and you contact the OMW...I'm betting she calls you right after OMW confronts and only then will you see how sorry your old lady really is...

It also confirms that your old lady is still in contact with OM.


Again lets see how remorseful she really is ...lets start dealing out some real consequences and stop talking about how you feel....
Its crazy....say the same crap over and over again expecting your wife to say something different

For your own peace of mind lets see if your old lady can handle the consequences for her behavior.....hopefull she learns her lesson and never cheats again.

From were I'm sitting you are setting her up to cheat again with the lack of consequences.....I'm guessing here but is she can't handle these consequences your better off letting her go then dealing with the same crap years from now.

Lets see what she is made of and expose this affair. This is just one step in getting over your wifes cheating. Knowing she is truly remorseful and can face the hard consequences is a big hurdle in rebuilding the marriage.

GET IT!!!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Chaparral said:


> Where were they when they kissed?
> 
> If all you know about the affair is what your wife told you, then you know almost nothing.


Both the WW and the AP most likely took the same sick day to "kiss" while their betrayed spouse though they were working that day.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Tell the other man's wife. She is entitled to know the truth. Cheaters should be exposed. Your wife's fear will come to fruition, a most fitting punishment. 

In addition, tell a co-worker of your wife who will most likely to spread the rumor around that these two are having an affair. Eyes will be on them in the workplace. You will get informants who will be on-site.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Without telling anyone first, tell the other man's wife of the affair. Tell her that although your wife claims that it was just kissing, you believe that it was more and that you would like her help in confirming this. Then wait to see your wife's reaction. A remorseful spouse that gets the significance of her betrayal, will be more concerned about you doing what is needed to heal, then she will be about her affair partner's needs. An unremorseful spouse will be very angry with you and seek to punish you for endangering her relationship with the other man. How she reacts will help tell you what direction you should go in deciding on divorce or reconciliation.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Keep reading threads.


----------



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

You will never completely get over it. One day you will come to terms with it. It changes the relationship dynamics utterly and completely. I know exactly how you feel. You need to tell OM's wife. She deserves to know. I told his wife and his father and sister. I had a lot going on at the time and almost went apesh!t crazy. If he had been a church goer I would have posted it on the bulletin board.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry to say but this affair aint over. There have to be consequences dished out here.

The proof is in the pudding, and the fact that she spends an 1 each day getting herself ready for work is your proof that the affair is not over.

Big mistake not telling her to quit her job. I'd be telling her to quit now or your gone. She will likely resist but if she is serious about mending your marriage she will do this.

You must gain back your self respect. You cant change the way she acts or treats you but you can decide whether or not you will tolerate her foul behavour.

I suggest you go back to the gym, find hobbies that intrest you, and above all buy a VAR and hide it under her car seat.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

TRy said:


> Without telling anyone first, tell the other man's wife of the affair. Tell her that although your wife claims that it was just kissing, you believe that it was more and that you would like her help in confirming this.


Also tell the OMW’s wife that her husband and your wife have had plenty of time to get their stories straight but you’re curious about what her husband has to say. 

This will cause a lot of panicked communication between your wife and the OM so have your monitoring devices up and running. (VAR, etc.) Tell the OMW on a Friday after your respective spouses have left work for home. If you tell the OMW during working hours then she will call her husband and he and your wife will have plenty of time to discuss things at work. 

Have no contact rule with OM in effect. If she confronts you about telling the OMW, how did she find out if there was no contact?

Do NOT give the OMW’s copies of the emails and texts on your first contact. If you do the OM will tailor his expiations to fit those texts. Let him lie his a$$ off then share the texts. (Again never give out your sources but I assume your wife already knows that you have the texts and emails).



Sports Fan said:


> Sorry to say but this affair aint over. The proof is in the pudding, and the fact that she spends an 1 each day getting herself ready for work is your proof that the affair is not over.


Did your wife spend so much time and effort getting ready for work before the affair? If not the above is very true. The extra effort in and of itself qualifies as an EA even if nothing else is going on. 

All cheaters think the following way.
1.	If no one knows no one will be hurt
2.	If one person finds out and doesn’t tell anyone no one is hurt
3.	If that person tells then people are hurt
4.	The person that told is the one that hurt people.

I would love to hear the conversation between your wife and the OM at work. I bet she brags about how she has you under control and that he has nothing to worry about.

Right now you’re like a parent and your wife is like a kid. You tell her that she’s been bad and spank her. After the spanking she feels that she has been punished and it’s over.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jenermya said:


> Sorry to hear that. But if you always remember her cheating, you two can never rebuild your relationship. But I think you tried your best, you should be confident, and love her more, see if it works. Women need more love, but men need more respect, that's why you feel you are ignored.


I don't know your story or background but these suggestions aren't just a choice that someone whom has been betrayed can decide to do, nor do they generally want to do. The BS has been destroyed and they want reassurance that things have changed for the better and are moving forward and not the same way they were before.

One can't decide what they want to remember and what they don't. It is also hard, if not impossible, to love someone that is so self centered and unwilling to go the extra for you. Saying that each time he brings it up she has to relive it, So what? It wasn't a bad time for her, the aftermath might not be good, but it was a good time so why should we care either way. If she doesn't want to face her choices and the consequences but rather rug sweep the issues, then she doesn't deserve a relationship with her BH. I imagine he isolating her the best and most he can and suggesting he love her more is not a good suggestion as it just shows co-depedence and solidifies her position as in charge of the situation and he is weak.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

As others have said here, TELL THE OM's Wife Now, and do not tell your wife you are doing this


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

The Beta is Strong with this one.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

RWB said:


> The Beta is Strong with this one.


MMSLP a good read he needs.


----------



## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

RWB said:


> The Beta is Strong with this one.


Certainly little to no alpha here. OP needs to man up and take charge of this situation. Set the terms on EVERYTHING and be decisive. I see little fight in him here. More roll over and play dead...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Geral, you have some excess weight that you might need to consider ridding yourself of.

Clue: It's not your 50lbs.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

geral said:


> She has tried a few times to blame her affair on me but I told her that no matter what I did, she had no right to cheat on me. I feel in my heart that she is not sorry for what she did.


So YOU forced HER to sleep with another man? She lacks any willpower to control her crotch? That statement is a slap in your face. You're damn right she's NOT sorry.




geral said:


> It's hard to explain it but she has a certain arrogance about her now that makes me very upset. I try to ignore it but in the mornings she gets up early and showers and literally spends a hour in the bathroom getting ready for work. When we go out, she spends 5 minutes in the bathroom and then she's ready.


It's no illusion my friend. Her ego is massive right now. She spends all that time getting ready for HIM. She wants to look her best for their sexual encounters. I bet she puts on sexy underwear too. The affair is 100% still going on. You repluse her. She's lost all attraction for you. 




geral said:


> I know I need to lost 50 lbs but I can't even find the energy or motivation to get to the gym.


She lost attraction for you but it's not your fault. If she's so shallow then is that someone you really want to be with? She thinks she is more attractive than you. In her mind, you are lucky to have her. She's doesn't really love you because if she did she would accept you NO MATTER WHAT.




geral said:


> I've already confronted the guy and he admitted that things went to far and that he will back off. Both of them said that nothing sexual happened but she did admit to kissing.


Grown adults do not just "kiss". Kissing is cheater speak for sex. Not only that adults do not have sex only one time. Your wife's been humping this guy like a rabbit. Accept that reality.



Plenty of great advise here. The cliff notes version is:

1) Tell the OM's wife now. Don't silently condone this affair or you're no better than them.

2) Do the 180 on her. Don't let her emotionally control you anymore.

3) Hit the gym like your life depends on it. You need to get your sex rank up.

4) If it were me, she's flat out remorseless. Divorce her. She won't change.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Geral is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Yep, maybe he got over his W, D and got over another nicer lady by now. Off into the sunset. Another happy BS.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't blame Geral for fleeing from this circus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

geral said:


> I will be truthful and say that even though I know they probably had sex, I still keep telling myself that all they did was kiss. Still, it wouldn't make sense for 2 adults to meet up and kiss so I guess I just have to accept that they did have sex.
> 
> I did go to the gym yesterday and although I didn't do too much, it felt pretty good. All I thought about the whole time was her meeting with him and although it made me angry, it gave me the energy I needed to push through. I don't know if that's where I should be drawing energy from but it at least felt good to have something to motivate me.
> 
> ...


Hi Geral, 
Sorry you are here.
I'm 11 months down the road from where you were and went through all the tough times you have been through now. 

As you say, motivation is a valuable asset for you now, and finding the driver of this was the key to my personal growth and rejuvenation of personal motivation (in all aspects of life). After you find motivation, decisions seemed to become easy, you are happier, you are less reliant on other people, and generally you are a better person all round.

The driver of motivation will vary for everybody but I wanted to share you with mine.

I am a strong believer in morals, honesty and integrity. Any time I find myself putting up with others or living a life that is a lie to my morals I became depressed. After discovering this, I realised that all the decisions in my life had to follow what I believed to be my deep moral core.

Once I realised that I determined that I was unable to be with a woman that not only cheated in the first place, but was unable to gather the fortitude to recognise the error of her ways and work on reconciliation with her husband in a truly selfless way. I saw this and simply saw a person who was either completely unable to cope with emotionally challenging situations and/or who's personality was so self centred that to put herself second in ANY process simply didn't fit in her way of life.

So. I urge you. Think about your core values. Think about how you need to live to honour those values. And the rest will come to you.

Good luck.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Geral, 

I wanted to give you this perspective because whilst a lot of the advice given on this site can be very good advice, factually accurate and as it turns out usually true, I struggled to be TOLD what to do. If you read my long post about being cheated on you will see me kicking and screaming the whole way along, arguing with posters who were giving me good (but direct) advice. Bandit will cringe at the memory of it I'm sure.

I had to find my own path. I had to determine what I wanted. 

And now, 11 months down the road, I realised that living a life that met my own moral expectations gave me the biggest boost of motivation, independence and clear thought.


----------



## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Geral how are you doing?


----------

