# Can We Recover From Infidelity



## Sharon_Rosy (Nov 30, 2016)

So, I've been with the same man for 12 1/2 years. We started dating in high school. We have been married for two years. I recently found out that he was having an affair with a close friend of mine. We've had our ups and downs, I had an emotional affair a while back, but I have never cheated on him. 

After I found out about this affair, he told me about two other affairs he had seven years ago. He told me about ill intentions he's had and other things that he's done over the course of our relationship. I had no idea these things were going on. He's a good person overall, but he has hurt me so much. I don't know if I can get over this. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie.

He seems to be more open and honest now. He prays with me every day and tries whatever he can to let me know that he's sorry for what he's done. He took me on the Dr. Phil show to apologize on national TV. He's been trying to get me to do marriage counseling. But I don't know if that will work.

Every day with him is a reminder of what he's done. I still love him and I want to work things out. But I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He was a virgin when we got together. He's only 28 now. Is it possible that he just needed to get that out of his system? I want to move on with him but I don't know if I can. We have two kids together and we've put a lot of time in this relationship. What should I do?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Emotional affair IS cheating. Have you apologized to him for breaking the vow you made to him and to God?


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## Sharon_Rosy (Nov 30, 2016)

.


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## Sharon_Rosy (Nov 30, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Emotional affair IS cheating. Have you apologized to him for breaking the vow you made to him and to God?


The emotional affair was before we were married, and yes I did apologize.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He has had physical affairs before, you had an emotional one. My feeling is that unless the reasons for these affairs go away, they will probably happen again. 

That leaves you a choice: You don't have to divorce because he will occasionally have an affair. If he is otherwise a wonderful person and you love him, you might decide that you are willing to forgive these and future affairs. Or, you may decide that it will break your heart if he does it again, in which case you should divorce.

I suspect there are a lot of couples who are happily married, and don't knot that the other, or both, have had affairs. There are a lot of couples who are generally happy despite knowing about repeat affairs. It all depends on their own feelings.

You should do what feels right for YOU, not what you think others would expect you to do.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Even if you get a divorce he will still be the father of your children.

He suggested MC. I think you should take him up on it. It may not work, but then it may restore your faith in him. When your children asks you, "Why did you two get divorced?" you'd like to be able to tell them that you did everything humanly possible to keep their family intact.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sharon_Rosy said:


> *He seems to be more open* and honest now. *He prays with me every day* and tries whatever he can to let me know that he's sorry for what he's done. *He Took me on the Dr. Phil show to apologize on national TV. *He's been trying to get me to do marriage counseling. But I don't know if that will work.
> 
> Every day with him is a reminder of what he's done. *I still love him and I want to work things out*. But I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He was a virgin when we got together. He's only 28 now. Is it possible that he just needed to get that out of his system? I want to move on with him but I don't know if I can. We have two kids together and we've put a lot of time in this relationship. What should I do?


Yes, you can trust him now. The fact that he went on national TV [Dr Phil] to offer his apology and promise would be enough for me. 

You love this man. He is the father of your children. You put a lot into this relationship.

Now the hard part. Do you want to stay in this relationship?

Stay in this relationship:

His Privates were inside another women's Major. That is fraternization of the General court marshal variety.

His lips ran the length of another women.

His arms hugged and squeezed other women.

He has a* Scarlet Letter "A" embossed on his forehead.* Not only can You see it, so can his/your family. So can all those folks who tuned-in and then tuned-out of Dr. Phil.

You have two babies. You have to carry all their "stuff" and their precious bodies, wherever you go. This is heavy stuff, hard on the body.

You also have to carry The Cross that he nailed you on. Little You forgave his sins. This is heavy stuff, *hard on The Mind*. Can you carry the load? Do you want to carry the load? 

Forgiving others trespasses against you is in the Lord's Prayer. But HE was Lord, you are a betrayed spouse. 

If you can [forgive] that is OK, if you cannot that is OK, also. 

Do not feel pressured to do so.

One good thing....no, bad thing....you have a permanent front row seat to the mind movies that his actions have "reaped" on you. You will be mentally "reaped", over and over. These movies never go away. Every time you get in a fight or get angry at him, the projectionist starts the 8mm black and white horror show.

Yes, you can trust him to be Senor Fidelio. Is this enough?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sharon_Rosy said:


> So, I've been with the same man for 12 1/2 years. We started dating in high school. We have been married for two years. I recently found out that he was having an affair with a close friend of mine. We've had our ups and downs, I had an emotional affair a while back, but I have never cheated on him.
> 
> After I found out about this affair, he told me about two other affairs he had seven years ago. He told me about ill intentions he's had and other things that he's done over the course of our relationship. I had no idea these things were going on. He's a good person overall, but he has hurt me so much. I don't know if I can get over this. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie.
> 
> ...



What did Dr. Phil have to say? The show has very good after care follow up for its guests did they offer you any?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Serial cheaters never get it out of their systems.

_Never._


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sharon_Rosy said:


> So, I've been with the same man for 12 1/2 years. We started dating in high school. We have been married for two years. I recently found out that he was having an affair with a close friend of mine. We've had our ups and downs, *I had an emotional affair a while back, but I have never cheated on him.*
> 
> After I found out about this affair, he told me about two other affairs he had seven years ago. He told me about ill intentions he's had and other things that he's done over the course of our relationship. I had no idea these things were going on. He's a good person overall, but he has hurt me so much. I don't know if I can get over this. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie.
> 
> ...


*So an EA is not cheating? Please take time to differentiate on that fact for us!*


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

uhtred said:


> He has had physical affairs before, you had an emotional one. My feeling is that unless the reasons for these affairs go away, they will probably happen again.
> 
> That leaves you a choice: You don't have to divorce because he will occasionally have an affair. If he is otherwise a wonderful person and you love him, you might decide that you are willing to forgive these and future affairs. Or, you may decide that it will break your heart if he does it again, in which case you should divorce.
> 
> ...


Despite how much this goes against the TAM grain I know more people IRL that stayed together after affairs than people who split up. Even serial cheaters. For me personally I don't know what I would do now that I have 3 kids. Sorry you are going through this OP. I hope you can clear your thinking enough to do the best thing for you and your kids. Since it seems like he is truly remorseful I hope you can make it if that's what you want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you should do is read His Needs Her Needs. Together. Once you've both read it, come up with a plan on how you will reinvent your marriage. It will require 100% transparency and honesty. If you think his breath stinks, tell him. If he is embarrassed when you pass gas, he needs to tell you. And you need to be able to accept these comments without resorting to anger or resentment or getting back at each other. 

You also need to spend at least 10 hours a week together doing the things you did when you were dating. Walks, talking, cup of coffee or tea together, doing a jigsaw puzzle, hiking in a park, things like that. You have to give yourselves a REASON to stay together and not look outside the marriage. It takes work. But it can be done.


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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

thefam said:


> Despite how much this goes against the TAM grain I know more people IRL that stayed together after affairs than people who split up. Even serial cheaters. For me personally I don't know what I would do now that I have 3 kids. Sorry you are going through this OP. I hope you can clear your thinking enough to do the best thing for you and your kids. Since it seems like he is truly remorseful I hope you can make it if that's what you want.




I agree!! Both my husband and I had affairs (cheated it's been 15 yrs)! We have been together 30yrs.. During this time we split up a few times... I chose to love him instead of dwelling on things that I can not change... He though revisits it often... Everyone has their own way of dealing with crap!!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Sharon_Rosy said:


> The emotional affair was before we were married, and yes I did apologize.


As if that matters. 

Your entire spiel is about how you don't know if you can trust him and yet you're as guilty as he is, and even worse you are full of excuses for your own bad behavior.


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