# My Husband thinks I'm Being Purposely Difficult if I Disagree with him...



## cdnbgirl

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do, I am feeling very trapped..Whenever I disagree with my husband, he thinks I am being purposely difficult and picking an argument. He asks for my opinion, and if I tell him that perhaps I don't think agree with his idea or I don't like something (and I try to say it nicely) He then gets mad and says that I'm disagreeing on purpose..This all statred three years ago, when my husband and I looked at a house and he really, really liked it. Since he is the main bread winner, and makes the money, when he liked the house, I honestly felt like I had no say in the purchase and told him that if he liked the house, he should go ahead and purchase it. Well, unfortunately, this house has caused some issues and tension between us. I was not happy there for the first two years as it was far from town from all my family and friends. It was not my idea of what I would choose for a location and style of home. I just didn't feel comfortable there. I have admitted to my husband that I was partially to blame, since I did not speak up since I felt that I had no say in the decision making since I have no real economic power in the relationship. We have discussed this, and in order to avoid this problem again, I said I will voice my opinion in the future. Well, here is the furture, and all that is happening is that I am getting heck for it. I have also gone back to school to get an education so I can get a job so I can make some ecoonomic contribution to the household. I am also getting heck for this as I am "neglecting" the household duties, and other things. I honestly feel like I can't win...My husband works hard, is a good man and treats me well, but I'm not sure what is going on..... I would appreciate an outside opinion on this as I have no idea if maybe I am being unreasonable or something?! I am at a total loss...


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## GPR

How do you disagree? How do you say it?


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## cdnbgirl

I say " Well, I might prefer perhaps a different colour or style...

or now he wants to take out the front yard and make it all garden and I said" I'm not too sure what that idea would do for re-sale value or curb appeal..." 

I think I'm being nice?!


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## GPR

Is he a controlling person otherwise? Does he have to pay the bills, chose the TV show, etc. etc. etc.


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## preso

what are your ages and do you have kids? are they your kids or yours or his?


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## cdnbgirl

I am 42 and he is 46. We have been married for 4 years now. He pays the bills and I get a monthly allowance. After we got married he didn't want me working since I worked evenings and weekends(when he was off). He's a medical professional so I couln't even come close in my earning potential. I would say he was controlling in the respect that he runs an office and has an all female staff working for him all day. Sometimes he may come home and make home an extension of that...


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## cdnbgirl

No kids, and we aren't planning to have any.


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## preso

cdnbgirl said:


> I am 42 and he is 46. We have been married for 4 years now. He pays the bills and I get a monthly allowance. After we got married he didn't want me working since I worked evenings and weekends(when he was off). He's a medical professional so I couln't even come close in my earning potential. I would say he was controlling in the respect that he runs an office and has an all female staff working for him all day. Sometimes he may come home and make home an extension of that...



yes I would def say he is controlling
but heres an idea... pay someone to come clean with your allowence.. start to use a slow cooker to cook
and pre-packaged semi home made foods while you go to school.
It really isn't a good idea in most cases to be totally dependent on your husband ( unless you have your own savings piled away somewehere) but depending on your state, it could work on your favor in case you divorce in your alimony payment ( some staes do not have alimony)
also is the option of going to school online, which will drastically reduce your time away from home, and you could choose your own hours.


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## GPR

Well, his biggest problem is that he's probably not used to anyone questioning him ever. He's around a bunch of "Yes People" at work and isn't used to it when he comes home, especially if you are just now really voicing your opinion on things. 

About the best thing you can do is continue to voice your opinion and continue to make it clear that you are not just trying to disagree with him. That he doesn't always have to agree with you, but you having a different opinion isn't the end of the world or anything.


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## cdnbgirl

I am slowly getting the courses I need, but I will get there. Unfortunately, my allowance seems to just cover things such as food and gas and maybe lunch out with friends. I like the idea about the slow-cooker....will definitely use that idea Thank you for your suggestions


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## preso

so its not an allowence, its grocery and bill money...

big difference.

Tell him you need more money, its as simple as that.

My husband gives me allowence too but its actually far far more than the bills come to... and since my house was paid off before I met him...
I get to keep money that would go for mortage too. I alctually get an allowence, about 25K a year.
Thing is, I also have a pension coming in from my years at work and have no freaking desire to go back to school.

I would never, ever be totally dependent on a man. Never.


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## cdnbgirl

I'm trying now to get the education so I won't have to rely on him and have my own money to spend on things that I want..... I don't think he likes that idea too much as he thinks he gives me enough money, so why would I want more...?!I have always been an indepenent, and that's one of the qualities that he has said attracted him to me, so this is why I find it so confusing??!!


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## cdnbgirl

It's funny because he comes from a family of 7 where his mom did everything for his dad and the kids. The father did not help out one bit. His mother died quite young and he has always blamed his father for "working his mother to death" after raising all the kids by herself. He likes to think of himself as being different from his dad, but in some ways, he is very much like him...He refuses to do housework and there would be no meals cooked (he'd be happy eating cheese and crackers) unless I do the cooking. I honestly feel that since I can't contribute to the household financially, then this is by duty...I owe him...so that is why I have often kept quiet in the past....


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## LaBella

Being a housewife is a job, and you should be paid for that work as well, food and gas are part of the "house necesities". Do not say that you do not contribute to the house cause you do. Explain to him that with the economy as bad as it is, groceries have gone up, I know for a fact it has, gas is expensive and what he is giving you is barely makinging it to add a couple 100s' more to cover the cost of living expenses.

He is a controlling person and you should let him know how you feel, if he does not like it then to bad for him.

Good Luck


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## cdnbgirl

Thanks


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## DownButNotOut

I wonder how he perceives his own actions though? I doubt he views himself as 'controlling'.

He is probably used to getting his own way, and to being agreed with. I'm sure running his office would create that expectation.

But...no situation is cut and dried. There is always a bit of complexity. "He's controlling" doesn't really help any.

I'd bet if you asked him, he would also say that he is showing you he loves you by going to work each day. By paying the bills, by providing a nice home. (note: I'm not saying it is right, just how he probably feels)

When you disagree, I also bet he starts to get defensive, like he feels you have insulted him? You might not buy it, but part of his reaction could be a feeling that by questioning him, you are really saying you don't respect him, or his judgment. (again not saying it is right!)

I know it is a tough situation. You don't feel like you have any leverage, like you aren't an equal partner. Then when you do speak up, he feels threatened and lashes out.

But in the end, expressing your opinion is not a crime. You should let him know what you think about things. That you love him, respect him, and it is ok to not always agree.

If it continues to be a problem, try to get him to go to couples counseling. Maybe with help, the 'power balance' can be better equalized. 

And in the mean time, I am still a huge fan of the Mars/Venus books.


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## 1nurse

It must be pretty awful living with a controlling, manipulative person. Sounds like a case of conditional love to me. If you do what he wants he's happy. If you don't he makes your life miserable. What's with the whole "allowance" thing?? Are you a teenager? Talk about complete lack of respect for your wife. Sorry but I don't think he's going to change. Seems a bit narcissistic too. I don't think you're going to change him or your circumstances. Good luck with your education. That is a very smart choice!! Good Luck.


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## preso

1nurse said:


> It must be pretty awful living with a controlling, manipulative person. Sounds like a case of conditional love to me. If you do what he wants he's happy. If you don't he makes your life miserable. .



that would be in my opinion, the worst type of husband any woman could have.


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## Mishappy

After decades of trying to please my husband my lawyer finally said, these controlling people never change. It does not matter what you should or do. That sobered me up. I allowed him to be controlling!


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## womancouncellor

Girl get ur head out of ur ass and get over it like **** why are u still complaining about **** that happened 3 years ago whats wrong with u women. Your husband does't want you to work so either get along or leave, he is working hard and he bought the house for both of you to live in so stop complain on website, go to a god damn marriage councilor like ****.


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