# wifes affair and addiction



## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

wow, where do I start with this? well we have been married for 28 years in our mid forties one child grown and back in 1998 my wife had a massive stroke and just bearly survived. it has been a rough 13 years since. some of it was ok but there has been a lot of Dr's and ER trips a million different med changes migraines you name it, we got a nice size settlement from the "product" that caused her stroke and for the last six years we have went from having lost everything to a paid for home car etc. my wife is seemingly normal and you wouldn't know she had a stroke now but still is on disability and had developed a massive lortab addiction, for about two and a half months we had been looking for some kind of help and one day on our way to a pain clinic, out of the blue she confessed to having an affair with a 22 year old who had lived with us for two years, my mind started reeling and has not yet stopped. I was stuck in my car at that clinic ALL DAY going insane and I have asked her why she told me at that time, she has no idea. like so many I wanted to know EVERY detail and I got the basics but she says she doesn't remember every detail which is hard to accept but I'm trying, two weeks after that atom bomb she told me she spent almost all out savings since last Oct (over a hundred grand) on her addiction. two weeks ago she started going to a methadone clinic so now I am faced with all this plus knowing that methadone shuts down ALL sexual desirer. all I can think about is her and him and I am obsessed with it in fact. I know this will fade with time. hearing the details turns me on and that freaks me out but I cant help it. I dont want to just badger her to death with endless questions while she is trying to recover from this addiction and she says she dont mind and will tell me anything I ask. it is a strange situation for me, my whole world is exploded. my doc put me on an anti depressant but it made me numb and I cant stand drugs!! so I quit it. any advice would be welcome. thanks.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How long ago did this happen---if she can't give you a why---you might be able to work it out by when, and then think back, if there were things going on that might have caused the A.

Give some details, as to how long, EA/PA--PA only, EA only, ONS---what exactly took place

Main question now is WHY did she all of a sudden tell you, she cheated---she could have taken her deep, dark, little secret to the grave with her and spared you all this pain, you now probably do need all the details, so there is nothing left to your imagination, that may be the only way you will heal

Why was a 22 yr old male in your house as a house guest, was your wife left to her own devices, which gave her and him the time to get into the A.

As to the money---you had better take COMPLETE CONTROL OF ALL MARITAL FINANCES FROM NOW, OR YOUR WIFE, WILL PUT YOU IN EVEN GREATER DEBT----THAT IS IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY IN THIS MGE., AT ALL


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She's cheating with another junkie. You know that, right? They score and get high together. That's their deal. Sex? Are you bet-your-life sure she's not trading sex for drugs? Because that's what junkies do.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

If you want to send her to a place that will get her well, look up "The Orchid Recovery Center" Drug Rehab, Alcohol Rehabilitation Treatment Center - The Orchid in South Florida. It's an "all woman's" treatment center. By far, one of the best! And you won't have to worry about your wife f*cking another (male) patient (like what happens at many of these places!)
Getting turned on by her description is normal. I've read many stories of that here and on another infidelity site (and in books).
Get tested for STD's right away!


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> How long ago did this happen---if she can't give you a why---you might be able to work it out by when, and then think back, if there were things going on that might have caused the A.
> 
> Give some details, as to how long, EA/PA--PA only, EA only, ONS---what exactly took place
> 
> ...


it was almost to the day she told me two years earlier. I dont know what (ons) means. is was a PA but she said she felt I didnt appreciate her anymore, she had been on methadone for five years and that was an iron curtin on our sex life and I may have still not fully recovered from that hell, the guy was the son of a lady who rented a place from us and he and his girlfriend became our friends, my wife actualy caused them to break up by telling the OM details about his girlfriends cheating so he needed a place to stay and I remember my wife telling me (he's going to stay here for a couple weeks) well two years later he moved out. they both gave the same exact story of two times they had sex, EXCEPT for his account ended with (she pressured me) abd hers ended with (he suduced me) this guy has NO GAME! NONE!! so I believe his story, I wondered if they got "their stories stright" because they perfectly matched up or were they telling me the truth?? I'll never know. I dont know if there was much of an EA, and she says the PA was not good, one time she gave him oral and the next time was pretty much stright fwd. and he was quick, she said she told him it was wrong and they aggreed to end it but she tried a week or so later and he turned her down and that was the last they spoke of it, it supposedly lasted two weeks or so. but he continued to live here for a long time after. I notced and would comment to people how they acted like "mother and son" they would argue etc...freaks me out trying to think back now.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

and as to why she told me, she says she has no idea, it just came out. I have always wondered if she was faithful all these years and she had a EA with a close friend 15 years ago. I have told her I will forgive anything if she will only tell me, she swears there is nothing else, BUT she also has swore to me she had never cheated within the last two years after the A with the 22 year old so who knows?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

ONS---is a one night stand----so you have known about her PA---for 2 yrs---and it just lays there and eats you up---am I right????

You need to get to Why she needed to have sex with this guy---she knows what she was thinking, so ask her about her thoughts

It all could have been drug/hormone related---but she still knew right from wrong

How have things been tween the 2 of you since then--obviously you have stayed with her, and continue your life together---are things in your mge OK---how hard is it to live with her----

The 2 obviously got together to give you the same story---but it does sound like your wife, went after/tried to continue the A---and her partner backed off for whatever reason----are you having visions


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> ONS---is a one night stand----so you have known about her PA---for 2 yrs---and it just lays there and eats you up---am I right????
> 
> You need to get to Why she needed to have sex with this guy---she knows what she was thinking, so ask her about her thoughts
> 
> ...


no, I just found out two months ago. I just wish I knew she was being totally honest with me, I think I could just let it go if I was sure about it all. we are good (I think LOL)


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

oh, I didnt answer all your questions, sorry. yes I am still having visions of them, she would have continued I'm sure if he had wanted to. she just told me a while ago it was not a EA just sex. BUT she says the sex was not very good, he said he felt pressured and was just trying to "finish" quickly. shes told me "he was a selfesh lover"


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK---then ask her this, or you tell me---what was so wrong with your mge---and there were problems, as you said---but what was SO BAD---that she needed sex, and would have continued with a 22 yr old kid???? How much older than he was she---did she just want a young stud---she's knows why6---make her tell you---you need her to tell you to heal yourself, and know what to fix in her


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

If I get this right......This guy lived with you and your wife for two years had an affair but it was only two times?? And she gave you the usual statement by wayward wives that it was only a low number of times, it was was quick and bad sex? Of course the OB(Other Boy) matched the low number as well but each blaming the other for starting it. This sounds very familiar!!:slap:


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

bird said:


> wow, where do I start with this? well we have been married for 28 years in our mid forties one child grown and back in 1998 my wife had a massive stroke and just bearly survived. it has been a rough 13 years since. some of it was ok but there has been a lot of Dr's and ER trips a million different med changes migraines you name it, we got a nice size settlement from the "product" that caused her stroke and for the last six years we have went from having lost everything to a paid for home car etc. my wife is seemingly normal and you wouldn't know she had a stroke now but still is on disability and had developed a massive lortab addiction, for about two and a half months we had been looking for some kind of help and one day on our way to a pain clinic, out of the blue she confessed to having an affair with a 22 year old who had lived with us for two years, my mind started reeling and has not yet stopped. I was stuck in my car at that clinic ALL DAY going insane and I have asked her why she told me at that time, she has no idea. like so many I wanted to know EVERY detail and I got the basics but she says she doesn't remember every detail which is hard to accept but I'm trying, two weeks after that atom bomb she told me she spent almost all out savings since last Oct (over a hundred grand) on her addiction. two weeks ago she started going to a methadone clinic so now I am faced with all this plus knowing that methadone shuts down ALL sexual desirer. all I can think about is her and him and I am obsessed with it in fact. I know this will fade with time. hearing the details turns me on and that freaks me out but I cant help it. I dont want to just badger her to death with endless questions while she is trying to recover from this addiction and she says she dont mind and will tell me anything I ask. it is a strange situation for me, my whole world is exploded. my doc put me on an anti depressant but it made me numb and I cant stand drugs!! so I quit it. any advice would be welcome. thanks.


Do you have netflix?

If so, watch seasons 5 6 and 7 of "intervention" on instant watch. You will see half a dozen people in your situation. 

That might help.

That show is incredible. I never had to talk about drugs to my kids, i just sat them down and had them watch that show. They will never touch anything drug related.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> OK---then ask her this, or you tell me---what was so wrong with your mge---and there were problems, as you said---but what was SO BAD---that she needed sex, and would have continued with a 22 yr old kid???? How much older than he was she---did she just want a young stud---she's knows why6---make her tell you---you need her to tell you to heal yourself, and know what to fix in her


thanks to all you so far! I am really glad I found this place!! I will make her tell me, and I know their story is hard to accept but HOW do I get her to tell? I told her I didnt care if they did "it" a hundred times just as long as she told me the truth... I need a lie detector! BTW my wife is 47 now but was 45 when it happened.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So she had sex with a kid half her age--Question then becomes, would she have had sex with anyone, or was he turning her on, especially a guy so young, what turned her on about the kid--she needs to tell you---you won't heal w/out the info.

-----how do you get the info you want out of her----you tell her you want her to write out a time line---from the time he moved in, to the time he left, she is to write all interactions with him, of an intimate nature---she is to leave nothing out---dates, places everything---tell her she one month or whatever to write it out---and have a stiff, harsh consequence for her if it is not complied with

Poly may have to come behind the time line


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

I just told her that it was just not believeable that he lived with us for two years and they just did it twice and the sex was bad...she got pissed and said "so I'm a liar?!" I said well yeah, you did lie and one fact thats kind of graphic is her oral skill was never very good, I sledom asked for that because I knew she didnt really like doing it BUT about two years ago her skill level has gone through the roof! and I have asked her to write a time line since she told me and she hasnt yet.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Again. She's a junkie and she's banging a junkie. They get high together and have sex before during or after and/or she's trading poontang for dope.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

well, she had all the money to buy the drugs, he was/is broke all the time. but I'm guessing your pretty much correct. I'm just trying to figure a way to get the truth out of her.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

she has been going to the methadone clinic for 2weeks and is doing better, she SWEARS she is telling me everything...UGH! I just dont know what to believe!! I might make her take a polygraph!! UGH!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Forget the poly. People who self righteously believe they are right can pass. Anyway there's a wide variation in the skill of techs who administer them.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

How many people actually follow through with a poly anyways? I mean once it gets to the point where you HAVE to use one... isnt it over anyways... i mean for reasons other that an affair.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would spit in the face of anyone who requested it non professionally (that is, as not part of my job).


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

I know, I was halfway kidding anyways. I just wish I could find the words to assure her that all I want to know is the truth, I dont care how bad it is or what it may be.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just keep after her for the time-line---it is a good way to get the info---as she doesn't have to face you, and she doesn't have to talk, and as she is writing, she should be able to remember things, as they come to her----don't let her off the hook----if she can't do these things, and since she caused this sh*t storm---let her know you just might move on w/out her---take no crap from her---BUT FOR all her BS, with drugs, and sex---your life would have been a good decent life, not the miserable mess it is now


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Just keep after her for the time-line---it is a good way to get the info---as she doesn't have to face you, and she doesn't have to talk, and as she is writing, she should be able to remember things, as they come to her----don't let her off the hook----if she can't do these things, and since she caused this sh*t storm---let her know you just might move on w/out her---take no crap from her---BUT FOR all her BS, with drugs, and sex---your life would have been a good decent life, not the miserable mess it is now


thanks you, and everyone sooo much! its great just getting some hope from all of you and your advice too!! I will and am keeping on her about the time line. for well over a decade I was the one 9and still am) who she calls for ALL the time with her pains ER visits ETC. not that bastard. but I fell like I am such a loser for that. thats the worst part for me, I am a good nurse but a sorry excuse for a man. I'll get over it one day!!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No you are just the innocent, very obviously loving (based on staying with her thru all the crap she threw at you) nice guy H.---but she needed her bad-boy, and he may not have been the bad-boy---(something turned her on)--for some reason----SHE KNOWS tell her there is not future till she gives you the deep-down core why, along with the time line--

--she has been pretty toxic for you, and now has really wrecked your life---you may really wanna start thinking about moving on---instead of taking care of this woman who obviously coud give a freakin sh*t about you


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

please get some counselling


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