# Please don't yell at me!



## MikeM6 (May 20, 2011)

... But WTF is an EA? And why is it so bad?

(If there is a link somewhere that explains this already, feel free to post it and I'll go there)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Emotional affair

there's a link for common abbreviations.
I can't remember where you can find this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MikeM6 (May 20, 2011)

Forgive the ignorance: People can cheat emotionally? Is it like falling in love, but no sex? Or... is the fear that sex inevitably follows...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

It is giving intimacy to someone other than your spouse. It robs the marriage of one of the ties that bind. Sex is not just a fear. It is likely. But even without it, it causes the person to move away from their spouse. It is a prelude to divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MikeM6 (May 20, 2011)

OK - thanks.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The other amazing thing is that it starts the rewriting of the entire marital history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Sex usually follows an EA like night follows the day.

A wild and consuming emotional high, it is just as a drug addiction.

And when someone for years and years in a stale relationship suddenly feels young and madly in love again, not even knowing it is possible to still feel this way even like a young teenager getting her first kiss, understand it is quite the hard addiction to break!

Marriage, career, children, friends, family, all of these tings and even everything else will just fall by the wayside and even be resented as merely distractions or hindrances to the emotional rush that is the addiction of the EA in the mind of the WS (wayward spouse).

It is described on this site rightfully so as a "fog", because it will cloud all rational judgment and decision making, and much like tunnel vision, all actions will be for one thing and one thing only, to feed the emotional addiction by finding whatever means to continue the EA, whether lying, cheating, or stealing. Take that to the bank.

And the double danger, becuase an EA can be full force even without actual physical sexual cheating, those mired in an EA may not even recognize it as cheating! 

Yet the destruction is very real, a real affair and real cheating absolutely.

EAs are the very definition of insidious. 

Many many MANY unhappy men and women in broken and destroyed marriages have heard these terrible words: "We're just friends."

So understand this, the man or woman mired in an EA, until the EA is stopped COLD and DEAD, there simply WILL NOT BE marriage repair between a husband and wife.

To end an EA, fight and fight hard!

Recognize it as the lethal marriage killer that it is, and do not be timid or holding back on providing the ice cold emotional bucket of water over the WS head that will break the fog!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

With a PA (physical affair), it could be just a one-night stand (ONS).
But most PAs start with an EA, and then it's a full-blown A.
EAs, in my opinion, are much worse than just the ONS, because, as Big bad Wolf has said, it is the start of what is known as "the fog".
In an EA, (let's say it is a wife who steps out), she starts to like the OM (other man), then she likes him more and more, and being with him is like a drug-she has to feed it more and more. And all this time, feelings have developed-feelings that should be reserved for the spouse.
Then, something strange happens: the rewriting of history.
Until now, there was nothing wrong in her marriage, and she swore up and down that she would never hurt her husband and family.
But now, the wonderful, caring H (husband) and great father she is married to suddenly doesn't start to look so good. The wife will start to compare the H to the OM, and the H is increasingly failing to measure up to the OM in her mind. She begins to think that she has found her soul mate, that the OM is her true knight in shining armor who is going to save her from the miserable life she is in, and that it is in her, and possibly her kids' best interests to be with the OM, because now, her happiness takes #1 priority over everything else.
She starts to look back, and starts finding evidence to justify her actions:
"What about that time he forgot my mother's birthday? The time for our anniversary he ONLY got me roses? The time he got mad and yelled at me? The stupid jokes that were once so cute, and are now immature and annoying? The times I wanted to talk, and he was too busy?"
"God, how could I let myself fall in love with such an a**hole? He's ruining my life! I have to get away from him!"
And so it goes-she's convinced that she and the OM were meant to be together, that fate, or even God, brought them together. And, she will tell herself that he is such a good man, her family and friends will see what a good man he really is, and they'll be so happy for her and tell her she made the right choice.

Whoah, sorry if it got winded there, but it is my take on EAs!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Umm...Mike, are you like me, just interested in the subject of marriage dynamics? Or is there reason for you to believe that there may be an EA lurking close to home?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Speaking of EAs...

I still find it ironic from time to time that in the past my wife was actually the lady I had an EA with, with me emotionally cheating on my girlfriend at the time. "We're just friends", few months later "we're just good friends! We get along well, and that's it!", then later, the break up with the girlfriend... then the flirts with the 'friend', and finally the passionate humping... then the marriage and little girl >.<! Shouldn't there be some sort of karma or something that strikes us both down for this? Heh

Regardless, I just have to mention that this particular EA in my case could have been stopped if only my girlfriend at that time quit with her jealousy fits. Sure it was natural, but it became annoying, I began to resent her, to fear another night of lectures even if I got an SMS message from a number she didn't recognise. My 'friend' became a great comfort during this, my girlfriend however, became dreaded company; and that's how the emotional affair started.

My theory based on personal experience is that EAs start if there is an unacknowledged, ignored, or forsaken need that one party consciously or subconsciously denies the other, which an extra party however has in abundance. But that's just me...

Figures... the missus still won't admit stealing me. Sometimes I get the feeling she won't admit it until we're both 80 yrs old and on our deathbed!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You caused her jealousy and worry. Seems like you are blaming her for fearing what was really the truth. Note the rewrite of history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes that's what the ex used to think too - that the EA started when I first met the 'extra party'. Yet it actually started with her constant disrespect of my need of space, and with the 'extra party' who became my wife - it was the worst case scenario.

My ex did not respect my need and was only concerned about hers (evident with her use of emotional blackmail as well to stop me talking to friends), forcibly making me nervous to even TALK to another woman lest she chucks another fit. It was going on for months, my social circle was always being watched. It's called being possessive and clingy - and it ironically pushes people away.

I gave her no reason to be so insecure until she finally pushed me to the limit. With the missus she became clingy for a time too (history repeated itself) but unlike my ex - I actually gave my wife reason to not trust me in the past before marriage; hence I don't look down on her behavior as that was my fault.

With my ex however, no, can't help but realise that she was simply being extremely possessive and selfish without cause.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EAs are way worse than PAs, IMO. Granted, all affairs are bad but EAs catapult stuff to a different level. All affairs, EA or PA have the re-writing of history and a "fog."



RandomDude said:


> Regardless, I just have to mention that this particular EA in my case could have been stopped if only my girlfriend at that time quit with her jealousy fits. Sure it was natural, but it became annoying, I began to resent her, to fear another night of lectures even if I got an SMS message from a number she didn't recognise. My 'friend' became a great comfort during this, my girlfriend however, became dreaded company; and that's how the emotional affair started.


Sounds like your ex-girlf may have been jealous and then you definitely gave her a reason to be when you starting confiding in someone else. I can see both sides of the coin here in this story. Why was she so jealous? Had you done anything deceitful in the past?

It's interesting you mentioned your wife won't "admit to stealing" you. Do you think she did? Do you think it's because she doesn't feel it wasn't inappropriate or just cause she thinks it wasn't wrong? You mentioned karma--do you think you are going to get hit with some in the future? Do you guys have trust issues in your relationship today? Just curious.

Anyway, back on topic: EAs should never be underestimated. They are serious business. That's why when I see posters saying "Oh well at least it wasn't a PA...it's just an EA" I think, omg, they have no idea how deep this is!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like your ex-girlf may have been jealous and then you definitely gave her a reason to be when you starting confiding in someone else. I can see both sides of the coin here in this story. Why was she so jealous? Had you done anything deceitful in the past?


Before the relationship with my ex went to hell due to her fits, not a chance. I've never gave her any reason to suspect me. Her continual accusations, suspicions and intrusions however - really drove me away. It even made me suspicious of her considering she always accused me without cause, as if she was cheating herself.

My wife and I at that time clicked as best mates sure, but the issues that I had with my ex were present already when I met her. As I valued my friendship with my wife (friend at that time) I was not very pleased with my ex's insistence to cut contact. I had lost a lot of female friends in the past after meeting my ex, and it got to the point I wasn't willing to lose another one.



> It's interesting you mentioned your wife won't "admit to stealing" you. Do you think she did?


In a way yes  
(though I doubt she could have possibly engineered it such a crazy man-stealing plan that stretched over a year)
It's something I can never prove, it's really more of a tease I play with my wife sometimes 
Heh besides she knows I just want her to say it so I can win our little game


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wonder if your ex was cheated on before which is why she was so jealous and had trust issues (from her past that spilled over into your relationship w/ her). Was she?

So how do you feel about "karma" since you mentioned it... do you think you will get "karma?"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell your questions really brings back a lot of memories!

She was young with a lot of issues, half of which I question nowadays, but nonetheless it led to love out of pity at times. Attempting to get her to break up with me was futile. It was very difficult for me to finally break it off due to this, especially when she threatened to kill herself if I had left her. I even had to involve her parents just to keep her safe during the breakup.

As for karma, personally... and no offense to anyone who believes in it; I actually think of it as a joke. I do believe in simple action and consequence, but karma as 'fate' or anything, meh... but I do get the feeling sometimes that I don't deserve what I have now at times, but maybe that's just natural.


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