# Husband Won't Help



## Jenri02 (Jun 22, 2008)

I am at my wits end! It seems I cannot ask my husband to do a single thing around the house without being yelled at and told I am not his mother so stop telling him what to do! He was raised with his father working full time and his mother staying home to raise the kids, cook, and clean. This is why, I think, he comes home from work and plants himself in front of the computer, breaking only for a quick meal, and then back to the World of Warcraft. When I get home an hour after him (I work full time, too), it is my duty to cook and serve dinner, clean up afterward, and do laundry until bedtime. Heaven forbid he not be able to find anything to wear in the morning! Then, on nights when his daughter is at our house, I am responsible for her, too! She's with us for a week at a time in the summer, and I am the one packing her lunches, getting her things together for the days activities, and getting her dressed and ready in the morning - all why he's still sleeping (we also have two dogs that I am taking outside and feeding - oh, and I try to get myself ready too). Too boot, I am out the door an hour before him, and must call every morning to make sure he's been able to get himself out of bed. I am responsible for budgeting and paying bills and basically running the entire household. He does do a lot of work around the outside of the house, but generally only on weekends. I just wish I had the luxury of coming home after working 9-10 hour days (he only works 8) and just hanging out. And the kicker? I'm 3 months pregnant. I know, I know, ask him to share some of the daily duties. Unfortunately, he's also got an insane temper. He throws a fit and calls me names if I ask him to do something as simple as "can you please take the dogs out?" or "If I cook, can you clean up and throw the dishes in the dish-washer?" I get called a control freak, and some of the worst names in the book. Because of his out-of-control temper, I generally just bit my tongue and do everything myself. It's hard for me to deal with, though, cause I was raised in a family where my parents both worked, and both shared the house-hold responsibilities. We were a team, and we all worked together. I am just so tired and it breaks my heart to hear my husband say he hates me and I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Any suggestions? I need my life back, and don't want to raise my unborn child in this environment. Please help!


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I feel so sorry for you dear, especially that you are 3 months pregnant, I really cant stand men like this. 

I think you should sit him down and talk to him on this matter before asking him to do any chores. May be he needs to be prepared and given a routine in advance and not be told to do things here and there. What I am trying to say is both of you can come up with a household schedule. 

I used to have this problem, my DH hates taking orders or being told what to do, he felt that i m nagging and ended up not touching a single thing. Then we sat down and worked out the problem. I let him choose any 3 things he will do and he chose his own laundry, washing dishes and vaccuming after I cook. 

Firstly, try to calm down (i know its easy said than done) for your baby's sake, your emotional state will affect your baby's emotional state, if u want a happy and calm baby you should relax, take deep breath and find the right solution. Every problem as a solution.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If he continues with his temper I don't think it is proper for him to be around any child. Maybe an anger management course would help him but chances are it wouldn't and the fact he is addicted to an online game doesn't help.

draconis


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## tryingtotrust (Jul 16, 2007)

Get a sledgehammer and smash the computer!

Just kidding, but i'm sure its tempting at times. My husband is the same way. I work too, but he's the one allowed to relax and have some downtime after work. I feel so resentful toward him, i know its not healthy for our marriage.

I have many thoughts of busting our computer, but I know he'd just go buy another one even though we can't afford it.


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## cutecupl (Jul 5, 2008)

This is a very touchy subject and I know what you're feeling. Until fairly recently, I was in the same boat. My husband's behavior was driving me into a deep depression and I was losing respect for him as I was feeling more and more resentful and distant from him. As a last resort before seeking professional help, I thought I would try to sit him down and tell my hubby how it made me feel when I was the only one doing the majority of things to sustain the household. This was extremely hard for me since I was terribly afraid of what he would do to me if I pushed him to his boiling point. My intention was not to lay on guilt, but just to give him a sense of where I was coming from instead of just letting him do whatever he wanted and ignore me and the household duties.

For some couples that is all it takes is communicating feelings. In our case, however, it took some counseling too. I initially went by myself since I didn't know what else to do and knew I had to seek some sort of professional help to keep up my pace of life. It took quite a while for my husband to agree to come with me as he didn't think he was part of the problem. But, after going with me, he finally realized how much of a jerk he was being to me. He is now working with me more and I love him even more than I ever had.

I encourage you both to seek counseling as it has done wonders for us.


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## blackeyedsusan37 (Jul 6, 2008)

I dont't play. It is not in my make-up. If he is not helping and refuses to do anything for you, the house, or himself; GO ON STRIKE. DO MINIMAL. COOK FOR YOURSELF. WASH YOUR OWN CLOTHES. He will either wise up or he is too stupid to realize how good he has it. Above all, dont wear yourself out, you have a baby on the way. It will only get worse if you let him get away with the pattern behavior now.
I went on strike in March 08. I only did thingks around the house that I needed to do for safety sake. I walked over dirty clothes. I used paper plates and let dishes pile up in the sink. I washed only my clothes. After 6 days, my family got it and now we are a team. 
"Tough times call for drastic measures"


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## blackeyedsusan37 (Jul 6, 2008)

I hear ya! I threw candles into my husband's big screen TV in the garage. It cost me to fix it but he got the point and does more in the house not=w.


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## adp79 (Feb 27, 2009)

What ever happened to the real "men" anyway? Here's a little about my situation - I'm married, almost four months pregnant and have two kids from a previous relationship, ages 4 and 7, and I do EVERYTHING! My husband did not work for the last three months. He smokes 2 packs of cigs a day and is hooked on nerve pills and pain pills. I get up every morning, get my kids ready, I get ready for work, take them to school/babysitter, work 8 hours a day, pick up kids, stop at store to buy the hubby his cigs, go home, do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., while he sits on his butt playing Playstation. So needless to say I am also responsible for paying all the bills. He has overdrawn my bank account without me knowing it to buy pills. I quit supporting all of his habits lately so now he works 2-3 days a week for about 6 hours a day (that is if he can get out of bed to go) so he has money to support his habit. Then in the evenings he runs all over the place in my car, running all the gas out, in search of pills or to visit friends. I am at my wits end but talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. He just ignores me and walks away. I don't want a divorce but I really do not know what to do. Any suggestions?


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Get your own WOW account. You should be able to get a 10-day trial account for free. As soon as you get home from work, say I'm done for the day and play WOW until you fall asleep. Buy a extra computer if you need to in order to make a point. Don't lift a finger for his daughter. Don't even put the dogs our. Let them starve and potty on the floor. If he complains or yells, tell him you are busy, and tired from a long day working. Don't act like you are punishing him, just say that you've been watching him play and it looks really fun. Wait till day two when he says "ALL YOU EVER DO IS PLAY WOW.", at which time you can give him the choice between deleting his characters or being more thoughtful and helpful around the house.

If this doesn't work, tell him that your going to have to quit your job to keep up with the housework, and BTW, the new budget doesn't have room for high-speed internet, cable TV, or subscription-based online gaming.

You could also try something more passive aggresive like wearing a dog collar with a leash, crawling around on your hands and knees, and not doing anything without first waiting for instruction and then saying "Yes, master" or "As you command."

I knew a pregnant Chaldean lady whose husband made her get up at 4 am work at a job all day, and then come home and work until 1 am, with sole responsibility for the baby(his mother watched it while she worked). He wouldn't get off the couch. He even required her to bring him water. He had a hurt finger and said he couldn't go back to work (at a convenience store) for six months. Sounds kind of like you.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Broo, are your posts really intended to be helpful?


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I'm seeing things that run the entire spectrum here and some of them may work. All of the ideas above have worked at some point for some people so hopefully you'll be one of them.

The WoW angle is actually not too bad. After all, you'd only be doing what HE gets to do now.

I have heard of some people having success by going "on strike" but be warned on that one. People like your husband will consider this a challenge, and if you are going to do it, you have to be prepared to WIN. This means you can't show ANY hesitation whatsoever about dishes piling up and clothes laying around and dogs using the house as a bathroom. If you fold, you'll be even WORSE off than you were.

You could also just leave. If you can support yourself, you can set up a temporary residence elsewhere -- if it only takes a week or two, maybe you can live in a hotel or something. Don't tell him WHERE you are, just disappear, and leave a note saying that you will call him when YOU feel like coming back.

All the advice about "smash the computer". That is taking it to completely the next level. I would not suggest even considering something like that unless you have bodyguards or a taser handy. I just don't see anyone letting their spouse get away with that.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Broo, are your posts really intended to be helpful?


If you think it is bad advice you should spell out why.


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## Margaret (Mar 31, 2008)

My husband comes home and plants himself in front of the computer. Then after he's fed he goes upstairs and lays in bed and watches tv. It's frustrating at best. I don't ask him to do anything until late Sunday night when I'm exhausted from the weekend work and I ask him to take the laundry baskets upstairs.

I don't get yelled at like you do... but I can understand some of your pain. I'm at my wits end to be a normal family.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Why does anyone out there assume there is such a thing as a "normal family". What you think is a normal family is actually a fictional product, perhaps left over from an era long gone.


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## Yakoi (Feb 28, 2009)

Reading this thread was such a help for me. Just knowing that I am not the only one that is having issues like this with my husband makes me feel like I am not being a total jerk about things.
Here is what is going on here...
I recently moved my family 100 miles to my home town so that I could finish college here. We aren't wealthy or anything, I pay for school with pell grants and loans, but my husband has refused to get a job since we moved here after Christmas, and now the student loan is all but gone. I ask him to help me around the house until he finds a job, but he will only clean off his desk. I am a full time college student at 27 with a 7 year old daughter to raise (whom he recently told me he wanted me to give her to my brother so it could be "just the two of us") and I spend most of my time cleaning, doing laundry, and trying to appease him so that he doesn't treat my daughter and I like crap. 
I just don't know what to do. So now on top of everything that I am already doing I am now looking for a full time job so that I can afford to pay the bills every month. Is it just me or is this really unfair of him? 
Anyway, any advice would be great because frankly I don't know what to do any more. I feel like because I chose to finish my education I am going to lose my husband.

*Edit*
Last night we talked and he said that he wakes up mad at me and every little thing that goes wrong, be it with the house or school or bills, makes him angry at me. He said he is trying to not be mad at me but I "made him move" away from the town we were in, and he feels like I am willing to sacrifice our marriage for my education...
Help!


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## yazito (Apr 13, 2009)

Was he any different while in your hometown? if he wasn't, maybe he is doing all this to make you quit and move back but you have to think about how much better your life would be once you finish your career. If he has always been like this, honey it's better if you dump him now. Right now the excuse is that you forced him into moving. What would be next? How much abuse does your kid have to take for you to realize that you married a larvae who is sucking up your energy ,time and money? Just think about this: if he really loves you, why does he feel the need to get rid of your kid since for a mother her own child is like a part of oneself?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My husband has been a lousy father for about 7 years now. When I came home postpartum with our second child, he ignored both kids and was on his computer chatting with his girlfriends for 8 hrs straight. He claimed his paternity leave was his vacation. I agree there exists a serious condition called "internet addiction" or even one called "avoidant father syndrome" or something, but this is ridiculous.


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## sandra (Oct 26, 2008)

I feel if your husband refuses to help.....i agree with 
blackeyedsusan37 said go cold turkey...... dont have to do anything u dont want to. Go to work come home and relax and prepare something for u to eat...if not eat before u come home. Budget a weekly allowance for yourself. Forget him. There has to be an agreement here. If u cook he washes or order out. As for his daughter let him take care of her or tell her she cant come anymore sorry!. The dogs cant let them starve.. they should be easy feed and walk them and sit in the park and relax....dont stress it. If he cant handle it oh well..... dont wash his clothes....he does his own stuff....try it....good luck also on your pregnacy....


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