# Mixed Messages



## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

My huband filed for divorce in late Summer. My bday ws the other day and he brought me home dinner and cake. I guess we are exchanging gifts at xmas and he wanted his name in the xmas cards. Dont you find that weird if he is the one seeking the divorce?

We have yet to talk to the kis about this. I have asked him over and over again when this is going to happen. He does not respond. It is frusterating. Grrr

I am asking for sole physical custody of the kids,the house and one of the cars. He is the one that wants to up and leave the marriage. I feel with him wanting to do this that he is up and leaving both myself and the kids. He does not agree with that. He refuses to move out.THen he mentioned about selling the house. I told him no. I said this is where the kids are raised. I am not taking that away from them..

I am a stay at hom mom, I want him to move out. I want to remain in the house with the kids and he can financially support us. He can go and live at his moms. We cant afford two seperate places to live. I am the sole provider for day to day routine things for the kids.He seems to just bethere $ for them.

EverytimeIbring these issues uphe tells me that he does not want to talk about them.He says the more and more I talk about them the less likely things are to work out. I feel like he is holding that over my head. I dont think that is right.

I wouldlike so advise asto what I should do..


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Do you have a lawyer?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You should push him to move out and make him know its over. Don't let him hold divorce over your head. He asked for it and now wants to just do whatever he wants. I agree with Up. Go consult a lawyer about your options. Don't let him manipulate you. There is always the chance pushing him away will make him want to stay, but at this point you may not want that. Clinging to him will make him want to leave more. Funny how that works.


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

I cant afford a Lawyer. I am checking into Legal Aid or I will ask him to pay for lawyer fees. I have pushed him to move out.He refuses to leave. Yes ,I agree with you that he wants to do whatever he wants with it. That is not right.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

You say he filed. Were you served or have you notarized an acceptance of service from your H?

Are you just working on the response?


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

I was served at the end of July. I had a free consult with a lawyer but that does not help my situation .I need representation. I have done the response. We had the intial case management mtg in Sept and that is when the judge suggested Early Neutral Evaluation. To this day we have not had that yet. I agreed to that a couple of months ago if he payed for it.The yesterday I asked him about it again and he said that I said that I would not agree on anything and that is why it has not happened yet. That is a bunch of crap and he knows it. We have our pre trial coming up and I dont know what is going to happen there since we have not done ENE yet.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Have you worked on getting a job so you're not under his thumb? You're totally dependent on him financially so he thinks he can do what he wants. You didn't mention an affair, so maybe he's holding this over your head for control? Do what you can to push it along. Tell him you two will be telling the kids on Dec XX, or you'll do it yourself, but it's going to happen. Six months is a long time to be in limbo.


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

I am a stay at home mom. That is my job. I have commitments almost everyday to be able to get a job outside of the home I found out he has already told our oldest about the divorce. I told him from the beginnning that we would talk to the kids together about the divorce and he agreed but then he goes and does this. How frusterating.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Ok. Here is the thing of course he doesn't want to pay for everything even if he does want out. Most people are not going to pay for for things that they don't have to regardless of who threw that rock first. To a small degree he is right when it comes to you not agreeing with him, you said yourself that you want him to move out and even though he wants to leave he is also looking at it as he doesn't want to pay two mortgages or two different bills, you also want SOLE custody of the kids, the house, the whole shabang. 

The house I sort of understand because of the kids but you don't sound like your going to come to a compromise. You both eventually have to come to some sort of compromise, if not this will drag out for a long time especially since from what I understand he is the sole breadwinner, however being realistic you need another way to financially stabilize yourself just in case things go real south during the divorce proceedings. 

you can't just "sit" on it either and expect for things to go YOUR way because also if he pushed the issue he could ask for sole custody of the kids because he is financially able you are not. You want to increase your chances the best way possible. Even if it is a part time job slowly gaining financial independence.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

How old are your kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

3.5 yrs old and 7 yrs old


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have a 7 and 4 year old and I know that you will not like what I am going to say but it is time for you to get a job. A job will give you some independence and let you hold some of the cards. It will give you choices. It will show your girls that you have to do what you got to do...I am sorry that you are going through this, I know it is not what you want to hear...


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

I have counseling 2x /week and own son has sppech 2x/week. My weeks are booked with appointments. NO one will hire me with that kind of crazy schedule. I am not going to work in a fast food joint just to have a job.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

k12171976 said:


> I have counseling 2x /week and own son has sppech 2x/week. My weeks are booked with appointments. NO one will hire me with that kind of crazy schedule. I am not going to work in a fast food joint just to have a job.


So get the appointments on the same day and there are your two days off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

k12171976 said:


> I am not going to work in a fast food joint just to have a job.


If it is what needs to be done for you and your children to survive w/o stbxh, is it really "just to have a job"?


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

working 2xs/week is not enough to live on


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

sorry about all this for you , it's an ugly ugly and sad thing .

don't think you'll like this much either but this is how nit looks to me.

he's not gonna wanna pay for you , your life , give you everything and pay for all that too and just walk with one car. and i don't blame him , even though he's doing the walking , not many would leave it like that .

he'd only be obligated to cover 1/2 that you'd imagine and I'd doubt your living even comes into it.

my guess is he knows damn well while he's still there he still 1/2 owns what he does and still has some control over the outcome but if he leaves before that's sorted he'll lose big time.
that and hopefully he does still have a heart and doesn't wanna leave his kids any sooner than he has to.

i know i wouldn't be leaving to live with my parents becasue i'm supporting her forever either , he'll want a lot better greener grass than that.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What I said was get all your appointments on the same two days and those can be your off days and u can work the other 5 days
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

That is not always possible. Cant get a job when my schedule varies so much


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Where there is a will there is a way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keepthefaith (Nov 24, 2012)

My thought is....What would you do if your H just disappeared one day? How would you support yourself and your children? I know that working when you have young children is not always desirable and it isn't what you would choose but, it is what is basically what is being chosen for you. Until you feel that you have some control of your own life, you will continue to feel that he holds all the cards and the ball will forever be in his court. You have to take control of your life for you and your children. Just my opinion.


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

I think he is doing this to teach me a lesson for as much pain I have caused him. He is holding this over my head so he can judge my behavior each day to see if he wants to stay with me I think. He is not thinking about the kids. He is thinking about himself and only himself. He does not care about my wellbeing when this is over. He should cuz it affects the kids. D in the long run can greatly affect the kids in a not so good way. I dont think he wants that for his kids. I dont think he has thought about it or realize it. He is in his own little world. He keeps saying the more I talk about my thoughts about this and the more I agure will make it less likely for things to work out.. What the heck does that mean? Does that mean he is trying to control me


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

k12171976 said:


> I dont think he has thought about it or realize it. He is in his own little world. He keeps saying the more I talk about my thoughts about this and the more I agure will make it less likely for things to work out.. What the heck does that mean? Does that mean he is trying to control me


He probably hasn't. He's being selfish. 

This is why the 180 is important for you. So you don't sucked into his selfishness and judge yourself accordingly. It will also get a response from him. Maybe not what you want but it will.

The more you talk to him about this and the more you argue with him the more he is forced to think about what he is doing and the harm he is causing, which make him resent you and blame you even more, because he is not ready to accept accountability for his actions. 

Focus on you and take care of yourself. He'll eventually realize what he has done. But the more you try to force that the more he's going to hold it against you. Blaming others is much easier than looking inward. Go dark. 

Then he's forced to sink or swim. But you should already be swimming yourself or you'll just get dragged under when he reaches you.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

K, I hate to be the bearer of bad news for you, but you have a rough road ahead if you are not careful. I don't know your state or laws, but most states share property, so you would either have to sell the house or buy him out. Also there is a formula for child support and possibly alimony for each state, so getting a job may not be an option. Courts don't care if he is a jerk and is not trying to save the marriage in most divorce cases. It is about fair and equitable distribution of assets. 

Because you appear to require more based mitigating circumstances, you are going to have some burdens of proof before the court. Therefore, you need legal representation right away. You need to look for legal aid or put it on a joint credit card or assistance from family . 

I know that a divorce is personal to you, but it is not to the legal system. Failure to secure legal representation could have long term repercussions.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Is he a poor father? Why do you want to ask for full custody?


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## k12171976 (Dec 4, 2012)

No he is not a poor father. I feel he is just there for them finacinally and not emotionally or physically. I am the sole care giver being a stay at home mom. I handle all if the kids dr appointments,homework,school activities etc... He knows nothing about them. He says he is detached from me but I see him being detached for everyone in this family


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## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

I would advise you to let him know you want space and that he needs to move out; this will give him and you some sanity. Obviously he's confused, and if there's no other woman in his life, who knows what may happen. I've learned that the more a woman "wants to talk" the more the man closes up. Time and space lets both really see more clearly. It will be tough...NC and 180...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're not thinking right. The kids dad has an established job, right? So he has time off he must have accrued. He can take his son to the necessary speech therapies. When you have accrued some time off and benefits then you can resume taking him. Or if he has disabilities you can enroll him in full-day school early and guess what, he will get his speech therapies at the school. No transportation needed.

Honestly, I worked nearly full time my son needed speech communication, autistic therapy, occupational therapy and spinal surgery. Also many appointments for potty therapy before the spinal surgery revealed that potty therapy was unnecessary and the operation fixed everything. But then he had a lot of endocrinology appts and now he just needs art lessons 

You are a mom. Buck up and be a mom. This includes being able to support your own kids. Delegate some tasks to the dad. 

You're living in the past. Your old paradigm of behavior patterns based on your stay at home mom identity isn't going to hold up. Now you are kick-a** mom. You are going to do what you got to do to take care of you and the kids. Tell Daddy what the schedule is and where is the day care he can pick up Junior. Kiddo needs to be in day care or school so that you can find yourself a job. You need time to go to interviews and to get yourself a couple of work outfits and to do your research on after school and before school care and all the companies that are good for working parents. You also need to spiff up your resume and/or get some technical education and go to the department of employment security and get job hunt assistance. 

All these excuses are going to help you to hold on to the past which obviously didn't work for you. While being full time mom you failed to plan for failure. Oops. There is no unemployment benefits for stay at home mom who loses job. Oh, life is not fair. You had agreement with husband. Well, where is the enforceable contract? 
Speech therapy, that's not much of an obstacle. lol.

You might as well do this now. You'll be happier for it. It stinks to be a stay at home mom with little means and nobody coming home to you at night. Then you lose your kids on the weekends and what are you going to do, alphabetize the refrigerator? You think someone's going to come along and re-instate you as stay at home mom on account of him wanting to support you while you raise his step-kids?

I don't mean to be harsh, but your kids don't really need you as much as you think they do. They are going to take their cues from you. If you don't adjust to this new situation neither are they. Change is inevitable. Being a helicopter mom especially for kids with disabilities (they need to build self-confidence and deal with different situations) is not healthy. I know a mom who had a kid with cerebral palsy, he went to after school care with my son for a while. We used to hang at the playground. She was a single mom, her husband turned to cocaine and stuff and got imprisoned, they lost their business and high-end lifestyle. She got therapy and Rx for her condition and got a job. Sometimes when she has to work in storms (she works for an electrical utility doing scheduling) the linemen who are on their downtime will watch her kids for her. (She has another besides the one with CP.) 

I think your social life and overall life will be a lot better if you get out and have a life and learn to do for yourself. 

I don't have anything against stay at home moms but you never had a plan B. Now you will have to fight for Plan A and honestly, you are going to spend all your time fighting for it and how much time being the mom you want to be, and how long will this legal fight go on and who is going to be paying attention to your kids during this time. You plan to leave them in the car while you talk to your attorney? Most attorneys do not allow children in their office. I used to nurse my baby and then put a book tape in the tape player and leave my kids with their older brother who was legal age to baby sit, in the car while I went in for consultations. Even just to get what you want, you're going to need day care, and cash.

Why you want to stay with a guy who is doing this to you, playing you on the one card he knows you hold close (the kids' well being and what you think they need to thrive - you at home.) It's beyond me.


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