# I dont want the divorce.. But we havent spoken in days!



## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

Hi there! ok so my husband and I separated late march and Ive been destroyed since then. I ended up making a real drastic decision and I moved 1,400 miles away, which I now regret and I'm dying to go back home! so reasons for him leaving I'm apparently selfish, a *****, everything always has to be my way and if not I don't like it. We are both social people and we like to be out and about.. but lately we've just stayed home and hung out, played video games and what not. There have been some times that our friends have wanted us to go out and party but with our work schedules we couldn't be out till 3-4am drinking, so we would pass up the offers and do our own thing. Also my parents ended up moving away and I was taking that really bad, I was always very emotional and crying all the time. He tried to comfort me the best ways that he could but ultimately I wanted to move closer to them to be happy, I pushed the move so much that he broke down one day and told me he loved me so much and wanted to give me everything in the world but that moving would be a very bad decision. So one day out of anger I told him that maybe we married the wrong people, which this of course hurt him and he decided to leave me that same night. Ive tried everything to get him back, we've spoken quite a few times, the first 2 weeks were the hardest because he was forcing himself to not be around me or to call me and I of course didnt want to push communication to give him his space. Now we've talked about not getting back together.. Ive asked him to keep thinking about it because people can change and you can work through anything! he doesnt want to do marriage counseling or anything that might help us. Ive gotten really close to his mom lately and we talk all the time and she tells me that hes still so hurt and that I should just give him and the situation more time. Ive obviously asked about the divorce and he says that he hasnt rushed it because its been very difficult, and I ask his mom about it and she tells me not to stress it.. I definitely dont want to get divorced but being so far away and having NO communication with him makes it hard to think that we can fix anything. I spoke to him last wk cause I just needed to hear his voice and he got kind of mad and asked me if I wasnt taking the separation seriously and that Ive tried to reach out to him and that he feels bad cause he knows how i'm feeling right now with trying to work it out but that now hes doing things for himself, he needs to move on and that hes been having a blast going out and experiencing new things, even though he needs to go out and distract himself because if not he thinks about me and the problem all day, at the end of the conversation he said he wasnt coming back. Im still not sure if i should just let it go and move on or fight for my marriage, he hasnt filed for divorce and clearly doesnt look like hes going to file any time soon. Plus being so far away makes it even harder to fix things.. its hard to say that Ive changed my ways.. but experiencing all of this has put a lot of things into perspective for me and I know the person that I am now is totally different from how I was before.. I just have no way of having him see that.. I guess I should mention that we are young! Im 25 and hes 24, he never wanted to get married!! or have kids with anyone else until he met me  so i dont know.. I want him back! help meee!!!


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

This is a good time to take a hard look at yourself and at him. You are just starting out and already there are issues. It is not too late, but the best thing you could probably do is communicate in a calm manner,that you are taking some time to reflect and that you would like to meet for dinner or coffee to talk. Is he willing to go to MC? I wish we had worked harder along the way and that someone told me to make more effort along the way. Marriages don't just happen, they need attention and hard work. Now, after 29 years, it is going away. Don't let it go without being sure that is what is good for you and that you are willing to work on it


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

ty for your advice! the thing is i moved away, and he doesnt want to talk to me.. like Im sure I can call and he'll answer but he doesnt want to talk about the problems, his words "i busted my ass in this relationship and it sucks to be the one to have to destroy it now" with tears in his eyes and all.. I feel like I should just let it go. But I dont want to file because if theres a chance of him ever coming back Id love to try and work it out. At the end of the day he left me so why should I file for something I dont want!


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

I feel like calling but I know i shouldnt!! =\


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

no, don't call. the only time you should call is once you have a plan in mind for how you are going to go about looking at yourself, your needs and how you are going to move forward. And remember, no matter what I say, sometimes you are going to make mistakes and call anyway.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

sadand said:


> . And remember, no matter what I say, sometimes you are going to make mistakes and call anyway.


Just wanted to say it again you will have slips dont beat yourself up to bad over them.


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

ty so much! I called last week! im trying to be strong and just let him do his thing for now. This website has helped so much! im so glad theres something like this available


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

So i know i shouldnt call.. but can I email? im feeling weak and i really want to reach out for contact :\ I just dont even know what i'd say.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

if you don't know what to say means you don't have much to say. Stay strong. If anything type out an email and post it here first and wait for feedback. Then you still get to say what you want to say and if it is an absolutley horrible email plenty of us will tell you NOOOOOOOOO!!!!


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Me and my wife have been separated for 2 months now. We have not spoken since. I have received random text messages, but it only addressed the logistics of her recovering her personal affects. Last weekend, she officially moved out and I was not there. 

I too have the urge to call her, I miss her so much it simply burns with pain.

But I am afraid to speak to her... when she asked for a separation, nasty things came out of her mouth that simply crippled me... I could not believe that it was my wife who was saying these things.

I am afraid of what she is going to say to me, and deep down inside I pray that we get back together... and I cannot bear to hear anymore painful words from her. 

I do not know who she is anymore, this behavior she is exhibiting is nothing I have ever seen in the 7 years we have been together. 

My mother thinks I should randomly send her text messages letting her know how I feel... but I think that is a bad idea, and would simply be setting myself up to get shot down.

She is avoiding all contact with me right now... and it is simply killing me. As if I no longer exist for her anymore...


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Anthony--I'm in the exact same situation. Same time frame, same behaviors same everything. Only thing I've realized is that I have no control over what she does, thinks or feels. There's been NC except a text for a while. And she obviously doesn't want to see me at any cost. She's said things that absolutely destroyed/humiliated me emotionally...just cruel things that made it seem that I was nothing to her...that she is moving on with whatever it is she's decided. However, I feel the same way as you: hopeful, but just no clue how she's become who she is now. I know it's b/c of her independence, but secretive things and me becoming just part of a plan have done nothing but show how much I actually mean to her right now. I've decided that I can't focus on that any longer. So focus on you only now. For yourself. I'm giving her all the time and space she needs and wants, but she has to be the one to realize her role in how things got to be this way. I can't be the one to bring that out of her. I'm hoping she comes around and wants to talk in a progressive manner at some point, but until then do not let those hateful, resentful words get to you. Believe me it'll just break you every time you think of her acting that way. Be the better person YOU want to be and only that. This goes for everyone planted in this situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lola...why did you move so far away???

He has told you he wants a divorce so that is what you're up against. If you want to you can write him an email stating how you feel but DO NOT send it before we proof it for you, ok? You basicalloy have to tell him youo're willing to save/restore the marriage w/ his help but if he decides he wants out, you respect his decision...that you won't hold him against his will, that you love him, etc.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Lost & Trying... thank you for the kind words of support. 

I am sad that we are all in the similar situations, but extremely grateful that we are all here to support each other and know what we are all going through. My friends and family have never been through what I am going through and do not know how to support me properly. 

This forum has been a life saver for me. We all share the same pain, but are all there for each other. When this all first happened, I looked locally to see if was able to find a support group, and I am happy that I have found this forum.

So I thank you all for everything. We all still have a long road to go... much more tears to be shed, anger to lash out, and pain to endure. 

I am comforted to know this forum exists.


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

Jellybeans- I moved far because my parents moved and I couldnt be alone in our apt anymore, emotionally i was DESTROYED! i didnt eat for days and just sat there.. pathetic and i regret the move now. Im kind of afraid to tell him that i still want to work on the marriage, when I called him last wk he said he knew how i was feeling with wanting to work it out and me trying to reach out to him because at one point he felt the same but, that he wasn't coming back. I know i cant force him to change his mind but i also feel like if he doesnt hear from me for some time that he'll just forget! one of my friends told me "well now you have to make him chase you" and i was like "yea i have no idea how to do that" and its true, we have 0 communication, 2 friends in common on facebook (we blocked each other) so the only way he can know anything is through his mom who i speak to a lot. But even with that she doesnt bring me up much cause he lashes out and gets angry. We spoke about a divorce about 3 weeks ago and he said that he hasnt rushed it because this has been a "hard situation" for him too. I just figure if he really wanted out he would have filed already instead of going out and spending his money on drinking! he was talking to one of my friends the other day and mentioned how he wanted to hookup with someone because obviously we havent had sex in a little over a month, but that he realized he "needed to get divorced first". So im just feeling extremely confused. I also dont recommend anyone date during this time lol, Ive been having guys hit on me and try to take me out and im just like NO. They've tried to give me their opinion on my situation but of course they tell me things like "oh he doesnt care, he never loved you if he gave up that easy" trying to make themselves look better... So now Im stuck with feeling sad all over again and definitely not knowing what to do, say or write.


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

FORGET IT. i feel like taking everything i just wrote back. i just witnessed him tell my friend that he likes this girl he use to work with and they hung out last night but that she made it clear that she doesnt want a relationship or sex plus shes going away to college some time soon... i NEVER thought he would do that, this whole time he was telling me that hes not moving on to other girls and that thats not whats on his mind at all.. wtf. how could he lie to me like that.. and i sit here and wait like an idiot!!! i feel like such a damn fool now.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Oh no, I feel so badly for you. I have no evidence that my H is cheating or wants to, he is just lost. If you learned about that on fb, you should stay away from fb, nothing good will happen there.


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

yea i know, unfortunately i do it to myself! but you know what i think i now have the courage to stand on my own and say I WANT THE DIVORCE! and thats final! I cant sit around waiting hoping he will come around. Im sick and tired of doing that! Im too young and awesome to wait on a man who might never come around. My best friend told me last night "YOU ARE A GEM AND YOU NEED A MAN THAT'LL MAKE YOU SHINE" and you know what! its so true! as much as i love him and want to be with him till the end I cant do it anymore. I refuse to look like the idiot!!


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I like that friend of yours! Good thoughts. We all deserve someone who really sees us for how fabulous we are.


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

uhhhhhhh so here i go again.. Now i feel like i cant email him that Im ready for him to file for divorce. I told myself yesterday that after finding out he was interested in some other girl that i was more than ready to tell him i was moving on, over it and ready for him to file (not like hes been waiting for me to say that in order to file, he just hasnt yet for some reason) but now i feel like i cant do it, all the strength i had is gone and im missing him now more than ever. He went out last night of course and had an awesome time.. one of my friends who went through a divorce earlier this year told me not to even mention that i want him to file!! but i dont understand why not? I cant keep playing the waiting game when he is clearly moving on. His mom tells me the same thing "dont mention it if you dont want it!" but this "limbo" i guess we can call it is driving me insane. No communication at all, doesnt help. He clearly doesnt want to talk to me.. I dont know what i should do!!


HELP!!


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Hey Lola bells, I too am going back and forth with strength and weakness. I too regret leaving. I wish I just stayed there. Made it a point that we need marriage counseling, but I didn't. I am hoping so much that he gives us another shot so I can show him that I've changed and we can work through this!! When was the last time you spoke with your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

i wish he'd wanted to do marriage counseling.. he said "i know what our problems are and you dont want to fix them" so yea. we last spoke may 3rd it was a pretty bad conversation, i was calling him to just say hi and see how he was doing and he asked me if i wasnt taking the separation seriously, and that he knew how i was feeling because he was sad and depressed at first with wanting to fix it that now after thinking about it over and over he was going to be selfish and do him. He was going out experiencing new things and having a blast, and finally that he wasnt coming back. So of course i was in tears and i said ok and hung up. that was the last time we spoke. So thats why lately ive been trying to be so strong and stand hard on my decision to tell him "fine if its over its over, im moving on and loving life so if you plan on not coming back let me know when youre filing for divorce" but now i dont know if thats the smart thing to do.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

If you really want to be with him, I wouldn't say anything about a divorce, I made that mistake and didn't like.what I was told. But as of right now, we aren't filing, were just going through the motions of this separation, I'm just scared he won't want me back. I do on the other hand think you're doing the right thing by giving him his space and maybe hell come around. If you do talk to him, maybe if he sees that you're moving on and can live without him, he may get a wake up call. I think that's what's been the problem with my situation, I haven't been able to show him I am a strong independent person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

Yea I get you but the problem is he won't know how I'm doing. Remember we have no communication at all.. So if I'm flying over the moon he won't find out lol. I talk to his mom and that's about it cause our mutual friends don't talk about me to him or vice versa. I'm still not as strong as I want to be. I think about him all day every day, I wake up and check facebook. Its sad. So I figure if he's moving on why not just tell him to do it.. He mentioned divorce a few times and I can't wait anymore for the final answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lolabells (May 10, 2011)

So I never sent an email. I dont feel like paying for the divorce so Im not going to mention it at all. Like an idiot though if he wanted to come back I'd accept it


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sendthe email or call. This way u have an idea of what's going on. Don't be emotional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Lolabells said:


> i wish he'd wanted to do marriage counseling.. he said "i know what our problems are and you dont want to fix them" so yea.


I see your husband is an innocent victim like my husband is. I don't know how my poor husband lived under my tyranny for so long. Him, sitting around always being right and me over here, ruining everything and not "fixing" things.

I am getting so mad even thinking about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep...it takes two so if he is putting all the blame on u an unwilling to see his part...that speaks volumes about his character
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

staircase said:


> i see your husband is an innocent victim like my husband is. I don't know how my poor husband lived under my tyranny for so long. Him, sitting around always being right and me over here, ruining everything and not "fixing" things.
> 
> I am getting so mad even thinking about it.




story of my life!!! 

It was getting so bad that i actually started to believe that i was the *one* that did *everything* wrong! 

What a waste!


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

That is a defense mechanism men use. If they have to admit any of it, they'll have to admit all of it and they might (OMG) have to take some responsibility. That is how women become free floating guilt magnets. If we take on the responsibility we might be able to do something to fix it. That puts the "fun" in dysfunctional.


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