# Wife is have an long distance EA



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Hi everyone,
I discovered last night that my wife has been having an emotional affair with someone several states away. I have had a bad feeling the last several days and happened to see her cell phone in the kitchen. I looked through the text messages and discovered that her and this guy have been sending sexual and non sexual messages back and forth.

I confronted her yesterday evening and she played it off at first that it was harmless flirting through text messages. I can assure you that these messages were anything but harmless. We talked for a bit and the she left. I know that she was on the phone with him for quite a while during this time. Eventually she came back home and I got a little upset and she left again. Again, she was on the phone with him for a long time (at least an hour) during this time. She eventually came home and we talked for a while. She had to go in to work today and I know that they talked several times while she was on her way in to work. 

At this point we have spent the afternoon sending instant messages back and forth. Up until now she lied to me about talking to him, insisting that their only communication was via text message. I finally got her to admit that she was also talking to him.

I am crushed. She has said that it is because I have been very distant for the past year and that she doesn't feel that I care about her. She has two sons from a previous marriage and we have a son together. At this point she said she doesn't know if she can get over the past year. I admit that she did make several attempts to engage me in our marriage and I failed to acknowledge them until now.

I love her more than anything but I don't know what to do. At this point she does not know if she wants to break contact with this guy and so this leaves me with a massive open wound knowing that she will be talking with this guy.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I've been on these forums too long. The same script. To a letter.

It is NOT your fault. Everyone has trouble in their marriages. To go outside of marriage for emotional and or physical support behind your spouse's back is infidelity. Judging by the amount and type of communication, it was a full-blown affair. 

He's a few states away? I can GUARANTEE you that if I had some strange waiting for me at the other end of a short plane ride, someone sending me the types of emails you allude to, I'd have consumated that affair months ago.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Don't let her blame you that is a typical wayward trick. Track the OM down and expose to his wife , or his significant other and if he has neither to his parents and siblings . Move all monies to an account she cannot get to, obtain copies of her text messages and keep them secure, call her parents and know she is in an affair .

Have a zero tolerance of her adultery , if she is using a phone you pay for have his number blocked . If she does not cease immediately and agree to the terms of marriage by going permanent no contact , sending him a no contact letter and committing to full transparency then run a hard 180:

The 180 below

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.*

16. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

27. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

29. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

In parallel to this prepare for a formal legal seperation; I am not saying you must divorce I am saying get ready for one as if your wife does not stop the affair you will need to understand your options .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. She swears to me that this has only been going on for a few weeks so anything sexual has happened over the phone/internet and that was only in the last 5 days (this does seem to make sense based on the text messages I read).

My big worry is that it would be very convenient for her to suddenly need to make a business trip where it would be very easy for them to get together. I want to make it clear that this has NOT happened but I could see it happening if things keep escalating.

She refused to tell me the web site she joined where she met this guy so there are clearly trust issues. I am at a complete loss on what to do next.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Check your cell phone bills and learn the real duration from the bills. 

Any refusal on information from her part is unacceptable.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor,
Thank you for the pointers, those are amazing and just what I need to hear. The wound is so fresh at this point that it is hard for me to keep control of my emotions. The tears are flowing pretty freely at this point (I NEVER cry) so I am trying to get a grip. In the days to come I will be following your steps, again, thank you.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Track him down and expose his adultery ; there are sites that allow you to reverse lookup his number . 

Steps are:
1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD(?) WIFE!
2 – Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 – Put “Flexispy” on any cellphone that she might use.
4 – Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 – Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take “personal” calls
6 – Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and “on” whenever in her presence.
7 – Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her – parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 – Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 – Put together the electronic evidence for each AP. 
10 - Write a cover note for your wife’s contacts, to the tune of: “I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333”
11 – Write a similar note to POSOM’s contacts.
12 – Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 – Brace yourself.

Don't forget to call her parents and tell them of the affair and ask for their support .

Do not forewarn your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

HerToo, that was one of the first things I did and I believe that she is telling the truth in that respect. I currently have the passwords to here (known) email accounts (which she has never hid from me). I did a brief check and didn't come up with anything so she must be using an account I don't know about.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Forgot to mention earlier that she went to her parents house for a while last night and told her mother about the affair.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor,
It won't be possible to put keylogger software on her laptop because it is a company issued laptop using biometric encryption so that is out of the question.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

caferacer said:


> HerToo, that was one of the first things I did and I believe that she is telling the truth in that respect. I currently have the passwords to here (known) email accounts (which she has never hid from me). I did a brief check and didn't come up with anything so she must be using an account I don't know about.


She will have a hidden account maybe even a second phone, she may even be using a company computer . Do not believe a word she says , waywards lie .

Take that OM out pronto , the sooner he is exposed the sooner your wife will feel isolated
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Edited ... I read your note after posting this


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Now your wife has a problem , if you are unable to break this affair you will have to expose this to the company for using company assets to conduct an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Now your wife has a problem , if you are unable to break this affair you will have to expose this to the company for using company assets to conduct an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is that a little drastic at this point? The problem is that I don't know anything about that computer.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

caferacer said:


> Is that a little drastic at this point? The problem is that I don't know anything about that computer.


It is drastic and not required as yet , what you will learn is your wife is likely to take this underground and this may be one of your final options
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. How would she feel if you continued to lie to her face and the roles had been reversed?


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

bryanp said:


> No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. How would she feel if you continued to lie to her face and the roles had been reversed?


I asked her this earlier today and she told me that she didn't think she would be able to forgive me.

I have discovered a way to know when she is on her phone. She is on her way home from work and is on the phone with him now. This pain is unbearable.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

caferacer said:


> I asked her this earlier today and she told me that she didn't think she would be able to forgive me.
> 
> I have discovered a way to know when she is on her phone. She is on her way home from work and is on the phone with him now. This pain is unbearable.


It's time to tell her it's over. Since she is choosing him, she can please leave tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's him or me time, don't be afraid to put divorce on the table, it's your best shot
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Careracer- I just read your post and am very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. This is my first post and I'm going to take a different stance than some of what I have seen thus far. Here would be my recommendation and please understand that my recommendation is made with the knowledge that I have been on both sides of this fence. I had an affair of a sexual nature with a woman and my wife had both a sexual and emotional affair with another man. 

With that in mind I believe that you did what any other person would do in the situation and that is to confront your spouse. Now I know the emotions are going to be really strong and will make you wish to take certain actions. I would encourage that you consider your actions before you take them as they may hinder what you would like the final outcome to be. I would first encourage that you take some time to decide what you would like to happen with your relationship. You seem to indicate that you love her and that gives me the impression that you would like to salvage your marriage. If this is the case you need to approach the conversation with that attitude. If you are ready to have that conversation wit her I would encourage that you let her know that you wish to salvage your marriage but that she must end the affair. It is after all an affair and I am sure she recognizes that. 

She has voiced issues that she stated caused her to stray. I think it is a valid thing to view those as issues that need to be addressed but just like my own affair it doesn't excuse it. She was in the wrong just like I was and that will need to be addressed. If you both agree to salvage your marriage you will need counseling (if you do both agree you will have to go in with an open mind and be ready to actually listen. The first time that I went I was there but didn't really listen or participate....I regret it). 

I would also encourage that you buy two books that I found very helpful. The 5 Love Languages and Desperate Marriages, both by Gary Chapman. Read them both and encourage her to read them as well. I wish I had read these books many years ago, my marriage would have been much better. I am not saying you are at fault but I can see that most all relationships have negative aspects that cause unhappiness on the part of one or both spouses which many times leads to results that no one desires. 

On a note of the advice from many of those on here, my spouse and I both reacted the same way and went on attacks towards the other. I think that has made it harder on the both of us to trust each other (not that there wasn't already enough reason for us to not trust each other but it didn't help). In my opinion if you start to attack her and to air her dirty laundry to friends and family it will only alienate her and make it that much harder to reconcile if that's what you decide to do. Now if you want to quickly move this into a divorce and a hate relationship I believe that outing her and using all of your evidence will definitely do that (trust me I had plenty of evidence from her affair but airing it would only embarrassed her and caused her to hate me). I know that she aired my affair on facebook and it was rather embarrasing having to explain to my family, friends and co-workers that I had cheated on her. I did find myself telling some people that she had cheated on me as well and honestly that didn't help the situation any it just caused mutual friends to choose sides. Now that we are trying to make things work between the two of us it is a very uncomfortable situation to be around certain friends without feeling like they are judging us both. 

Those are just my thoughts based on my own experience. I do hope they help and I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. May Gob bless you and your entire family in this time of need.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife is a real piece of work. She tells you earlier today that if the roles were reversed she would not be able to forgive you and then on her way home from work she continues to contact him and continues with the emotional affair. What is wrong with this picture? Nobody and I mean nobody respect a doormat. One more time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is totally disrespecting you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Long distance affairs don't work. When the two meet up they find that they only had part of the truth and very seldom find themselves compatible in all ways.
But it may imply that something is missing in your marriage and your wife is looking else where for it.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A marriage with no mutual forgiveness is not a marriage worth saving.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> Long distance affairs don't work. When the two meet up they find that they only had part of the truth and very seldom find themselves compatible in all ways.
> But it may imply that something is missing in your marriage and your wife is looking else where for it.



MOST affairs don't work when placed in the light, she's in lala fantasty fog land now, you have to expose and let her know you will not stay in a marriage while she engages iin such behavior
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> MOST affairs don't work when placed in the light, she's in lala fantasty fog land now, you have to expose and let her know you will not stay in a marriage while she engages iin such behavior
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was in your exact situation 6 mos ago. We are doing very well now. This is what you need to do. Tell her u know she is talking to him. Cut the crap. Lay down the law and be strong. Tell her she stops with this guy or leaves the home. Do it calmly if u can.
Then u back off. U have to act like u will be just fine without her. Tell her your plans if she chooses him. You have to remove yourself as an option in the face of this behavior, but tell her you want the marriage to work out. This is the ONLY way you will keep her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here's what you do:

See a lawyer about all legal options.
Change the locks on the house.
Get a u-haul, put all of her stuff in it.
Park said u-haul in driveway.
When she comes home, be standing next to u-haul.
She will be "Oh my God, you're leaving?!?!?!"
You say "No-YOU are!"
Toss her the keys.
Go back in house, lock doors.
She can't follow you in, as you've changed the locks.
Call her family and tell them to be expecting their baby girl home.
Tell her that their is one way-and ONE WAY ONLY-for you to let her back in.
And if she's smart, she'll know EXACTLY what she needs to do.
And if she ain't, thank her for the years and file D papers asap.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

All,
Thanks again for your replies. She got home a while ago and laid down on the bed next to me and fell asleep for a while. The path I have decided to take at this time is patience. However, this is only going to last for a day or two and I will do as several have suggested, which is confront her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to decide between me or the other guy.

I haven't been an angel in our relationship and I take some responsibility for driving her away from me but I know that having an affair is wrong. 

I will keep this post updated and thanks to all of you I am gaining the strength I will need to get through this.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a VAR in the car at least so you know what she is telling him. They are available at Walmart so pop out and get doe milk tonight. Maybe even take her car to get it. Use Velcro to attach it under the seat. Buy two that way you can have one in the car while you are listening to the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

caferacer said:


> Thanks for the reply. She swears to me that this has only been going on for a few weeks so anything sexual has happened over the phone/internet and that was only in the last 5 days (this does seem to make sense based on the text messages I read).
> 
> My big worry is that it would be very convenient for her to suddenly need to make a business trip where it would be very easy for them to get together. I want to make it clear that this has NOT happened but I could see it happening if things keep escalating.
> 
> *She refused to tell me the web site she joined where she met this guy so there are clearly trust issues. * I am at a complete loss on what to do next.


She did not tell you because there is more to know. Much more. If it is a cheating site especially.

Total trnsparency.

You tell her this is unacceptable and start moving forward as if you will be on your own. i.e. find a Lawyer


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

caferacer said:


> All,
> Thanks again for your replies. She got home a while ago and laid down on the bed next to me and fell asleep for a while. The path I have decided to take at this time is patience. However, this is only going to last for a day or two and I will do as several have suggested, which is confront her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to decide between me or the other guy.
> 
> I haven't been an angel in our relationship and I take some responsibility for driving her away from me but I know that having an affair is wrong.
> ...


Killing an affair takes urgency. Not patience. Also she owns her affair. Being a standup guy and taking ownership is the last thing your should do. That will enable the affair and not help your marriage.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

caferacer said:


> At this point she does not know if she wants to break contact with this guy and so this leaves me with a massive open wound knowing that she will be talking with this guy.





caferacer said:


> She refused to tell me the web site she joined where she met this guy so there are clearly trust issues. I am at a complete loss on what to do next.





caferacer said:


> I asked her this earlier today and she told me that she didn't think she would be able to forgive me.


She just told you to STFU, because she is not going to stop cheating, she is not going to cooperate with you in being transparent (was it a dating site BTW?), and that if you did the same thing to her, she would not “be able to forgive” you because she knows what she is doing is wrong. She is testing you to see how far you will back down to see if it is safe to take it to the next level with the OM. So far you are failing the test big time.

Once she sleeps with the OM, you can never undo the fact that she did it. You must Alpha up now while it still matters. There is another thread on this board from another man that took too long to act decisively. He had a chance to stop it early on but did not. She eventually slept with the OM and has now moved out of the house to decide who she will pick. It happened very fast. On 10/15/11 he was ignoring all of our advice. Yesterday he stated about not following our advice “I wish I had the strength to do it, my issues must be deeper than I think, I have an irrational fear of losing her, even though its clear she is already gone, and is stringing me along for plan b or comfort or whatever it happens to be. I consider myself an educated person, I see myself doing all the wrong things, I try to do them right and fail. Tonight feels like a monumental failure, not sure where all this extra pain and emotion is coming from, but I feel like **** right now, and the future certainly seems bleak.”Below is the text of a post that I made to him that I think applies also to you.

“Your fear of losing her increases the odds that you will lose her. Being willing to lose her increases your odds of keeping her. Even though you know this, you let your fear rule your actions and inaction.

You must decide that you matter. You must decide that you will not put up with this any longer. You must decide that no matter how much it hurts, you are willing to leave her right now. You must decide this in your heart and allow all of your actions going forward to be determined by this. If you do not do this you are far more likely to lose her, if not now then later when she gets weak and goes back to him. And when you do lose her, it will hurt far more knowing the role your fear played in losing her. You will be asking yourself would she still be with me if I only had the courage to have done the right things when it mattered?”


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Seems drastic and counter intutiive, eh?Well, it is the best, and most effective way to break up the affair and , possibly, recover your marriage.
This stuff, the 180, the exposure, the account freezing etc is tried and true. The more draconian the response to her cheating, the better.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

So I just had a long talk with her and told her that she needs to end this EA. Found out she signed up for some web site for married people to flirt on and that is where she met the guy. She told me that she did not make the decision lightly to join the web site but I was not listening to her when she would tell me how unhappy she was.

She told me that she is not ready to end it and stop going to this web site because that means she would be jumping back to right where she was. Basically she is very angry with me and does not feel guilty about doing this even though she knows it is wrong.

I asked her take the step and end the EA to give us a chance. I said that if she does that and is still unhappy then we will separate but that we will never be able to take that step until she ends the EA. She said she needed some time to think and that she was going to go for a drive and that she was going to call him. F'ing sucks but at least she was honest about it.

I have to sit here and wait for her to get back. I don't really know what her decision will be and the waiting sucks. She knows that if she comes back and tells me that she wants to continue on this web site and EA then we are over. I want to work it out but I'm not so sure about her. I may be finding a new place to live soon.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So she's going to rub this EA in your face then? How are you going to take this disrespect? When she comes back from talking to her OM, tell her she needs to leave and pack up her stuff.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Never negotiate with an emotional terrorist. Your wife ia an abusive a-hole. You cannot "nice" these folks back into the marriage. I have heard it said that they are like crack addicts and the guy is their fix.
You need to expose this asap. If she gets super pissed, that is the desired result. You can deal with her anger, but not her cheating.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would have her stuff packed and ready
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

So just like I thought in my last post it was a dating site; one that caters to married people looking for others that want to cheat (flirting is her BS wording for this).

When she comes back, do not give her more time. You do not have to leave the home to contact an attorney and file for a divorce. Do not leave your home without talking to your attorney first. 

If she does not agree to recommit to the marriage, stop talking to her and log on to the web and begin looking up a divorce lawyer in front of her. Begin to calmly discuss the division of assets tonight. File for actual divorce right away. Remember that filing for divorce is not the same as actually divorcing her. It takes months for it to be final and you can always change your mind and stop it later. Go full out alpha. Look like you mean business.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I would have her stuff packed and ready
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Or her sh!t would be all over the lawn


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

She came back fairly quickly. She told me that she didn't talk to him. I assume that to mean that she called and he didn't answer. She just came in to the room and told me that she expects him to call later tonight.

Inside I am raging but I kept my cool and just shrugged. I think she is testing me to see if I am going to freak out so she can say "See? You are out of control!" or whatever her thought might be. Basically, if I keep my cool and don't make a bid deal then I think she will be more willing to work to get back together.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Guys,
I really appreciate your words and advice but I am not even close to the step of throwing her out. I want to make this work and doing something like that will be a quick end that I am not ready for.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Let me tell youa little bit about keeping your cool, cf. It is essential.
You seein psycholgy, there is theis concept called the fundamental attribution error. It goes like this: you go crazy, and someone witnesses it. Thye have no idea that you have just been subjected to the worst form of emotional abuse.Alll they see is you acting crazy.
Then, your cheating wife, without telling anyone what she subjected you to, points to your craziness as the reason she was driven to cheat.
Here is another example. You are rushing to the hospital with your injured child, running stop lights etc. All the witnesses see is a nut driving like a maniac. Thye do not know the backstory. So , word gets out that you are amaniac behind the wheel.
Alawys keep calm.And, have a voice activated recorder , if possible, because many cheating wives, when confronted, play the domestic violence card and lie like crazy to the cops. Happened to a friend of mine when he calmly told his wife he knew of her multiple affairs. Guy never raised his voice, let alone got violent.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Arnold,
Thanks for the advice. Our relationship is not at that level, yet, and I hope it stays that way. For now we are being civil with each other so I hope to keep it that way.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

caferacer said:


> Guys,
> I really appreciate your words and advice but I am not even close to the step of throwing her out. I want to make this work and doing something like that will be a quick end that I am not ready for.



I know it feels counterintuitive but the best way to keep her is to let her go, if she doesn't come back you lost her anyways
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

caferacer said:


> She came back fairly quickly. She told me that she didn't talk to him. I assume that to mean that she called and he didn't answer. She just came in to the room and told me that she expects him to call later tonight.
> 
> Inside I am raging but I kept my cool and just shrugged. I think she is testing me to see if I am going to freak out so she can say "See? You are out of control!" or whatever her thought might be. Basically, if I keep my cool and don't make a bid deal then I think she will be more willing to work to get back together.


It's one thing to be calm about this, it's quite another to be walked all over. So she's expecting her OM to call her later? This beta behavior of yours just makes you all the more unattractive to her. When my fWW was having her long distance EA, she would NEVER think of doing what your WW is doing to you. Because I would not sit there and take it. In my jurisdiction, it takes more than a simple accusation of DV, it takes evidence/proof. 

I suppose when OM calls, you'll answer the phone and calmly say: "Oh honey, your boyfriend is calling, do you want me to leave the room so you can have your private talk? By the way, I drew your bath, so you can have a nice relaxing bath after you're done talking to your boyfriend"

She does this to you because she knows you will take this crap from her. To her, you're not going to do anything about it anyway and just sit there and take it.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

caferacer said:


> Guys,
> I really appreciate your words and advice but I am not even close to the step of throwing her out. I want to make this work and doing something like that will be a quick end that I am not ready for.


 That may answer why you are not throwing her out, but why are you not talking divorce? Again, filing for divorce is not the same as divorce since it takes months to do and can always be stopped before it is final.

You are letting her subject you to total humiliation so that she will feel better about her choice to eventually leave you. She cannot love someone that she does not respect, so she wants to make sure that she loses all respect for you. You are making it so easy for her to leave you.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

So she left to talk to the OM. I walk in to the kitchen and I see her laptop so I wriggle the mouse
The screen comes to life on the f'ing web site with a chat room up. She was telling everyone how she
Going to leave me and kick me out. She doesn't know that I know this and I am not going to tell her. It is time
To execute the divorce plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

caferacer said:


> So she left to talk to the OM. I walk in to the kitchen and I see her laptop so I wriggle the mouse
> The screen comes to life on the f'ing web site with a chat room up. She was telling everyone how she
> Going to leave me and kick me out. She doesn't know that I know this and I am not going to tell her. It is time
> To execute the divorce plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well, there you go.


Being a nice guy in this type of situation seldom is to your advantage.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Since its a cheating site for married people there is a damn good chance OM is married, that gives you a way to take him down!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and the cheater is the one who leaves. The moment she is out the door, cancel joint credit cards and separate money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Luckily we only have two joint checking accounts.

The OM is married and I have his cell number. Should I try and track his wife down and let her know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

caferacer said:


> Luckily we only have two joint checking accounts.
> 
> The OM is married and I have his cell number. Should I try and track his wife down and let her know?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but do not , repeat do not , mention it in any way or threaten to contact the OM to your wife. Just fid her number and contact her tomorrow whie he is at work. Tell her the whole thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

caferacer said:


> She was telling everyone how she Going to leave me and kick me out. She doesn't know that I know this and I am not going to tell her. It is time To execute the divorce plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Now that you have nothing to lose, why not tell her right now that you have had enough and that you are filing for divorce immediately. This will let you go out holding your head high with some dignity and self respect. Do this right now. Beat her to the punch.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

caferacer said:


> So I just had a long talk with her and told her that she needs to end this EA. Found out she signed up for some web site for married people to flirt on and that is where she met the guy. She told me that she did not make the decision lightly to join the web site but I was not listening to her when she would tell me how unhappy she was.
> 
> She told me that she is not ready to end it and stop going to this web site because that means she would be jumping back to right where she was. Basically she is very angry with me and does not feel guilty about doing this even though she knows it is wrong.
> 
> ...


She is trying to humiliate you. This is a power play. She wants space. 

I would change the locks. She is no longer your wife.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

caferacer said:


> She came back fairly quickly. She told me that she didn't talk to him. I assume that to mean that she called and he didn't answer. She just came in to the room and told me that she expects him to call later tonight.
> 
> Inside I am raging but I kept my cool and just shrugged. I think she is testing me to see if I am going to freak out so she can say "See? You are out of control!" or whatever her thought might be. Basically, if I keep my cool and don't make a bid deal then I think she will be more willing to work to get back together.


She is indeed testing you. You are failing the test however.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

caferacer said:


> Guys,
> I really appreciate your words and advice but I am not even close to the step of throwing her out. I want to make this work and doing something like that will be a quick end that I am not ready for.


And this is to your extreme detriment. You are letting her humiliate you. That is not attractive. She and her OM are getting off on it. She likes telling you that you are subserviant to her Alpha male. That you and she must wait until he calls. He calls the shots.

Watch out for some absurd demands of humiliation of this guy humliating you with your wife. She is getting off on the idea of cuckolding you.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow. Pretty much in your face now. She's going to kick YOU out? I don't think so. This your established residence and the marital home. She CANNOT kick you out, and whatever you do, don't let her kick you out. Of course, you can't really kick her out, but you can tell her to GTFO. 

She's DEEP in the fog. You must file for D now and find out who the OMW is and expose the affair to her. Like others have said, don't give your WW any warning that you're going to do this, because she'll move to protect her OM and warn him. OM will just gaslight his wife, telling her some crazy man will attempt to contact her.


----------



## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Expose the affair to OM,s wife.Do not leave your home, She is the one who should leave if she continues affair.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I hope you took copies of her chats , and you know now she is using company assets to conduct her affair .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

vickyyy said:


> Expose the affair to OM,s wife.Do not leave your home, She is the one who should leave if she continues affair.


The problem is that I don't know if I candle the payment by myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

So I now have the guy's full name and cell number. Hopefully I can figure out his wife from that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> I hope you took copies of her chats , and you know now she is using company assets to conduct her affair .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasn't able to get a copy of the chats unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I saw her iphone sitting on her nightstand so I took a peek at her email. It was full of emails from guys from that web site.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Follow the advice posted, do not let your wife know what you are doing. Move fast on the exposure to the OM's wife but have evidence ready, look for more information on him such as his place of work and friends , if his wife does not actively work to stop him expose his waywardness further afield. Call your wife's parents and siblings and ask for help in saving your marriage , it is important that this is done correctly and not construed as you being mean.

You have one decent shot at bring this affair into an uncomfortable light and helping it crash , don't mess it up.

As your wife is using a secure company laptop I suggest you prepare an exposure letter to be sent to her boss, the HR director and the chairman. Why ? Few companies like publicity, they should restrict her ability to take this underground using their equipment. Will she lose her job? Maybe though in most instances a warning is issued .

Go out and buy some VAR's now. One you carry on you to protect yourself if she makes false allegations , the other you hide securely in her car .

Run that 180 , it helps you control yourself , see a doctor for advice and lean on those family who you can trust to support you . Do not alert anyone as to your steps.

I suspect your wife is on a pro affair site , they will be advising her what to do , including gas lighting you to her family in case you expose , waywards fear exposure and if done right has a huge negative impact on their affair word.

Don't move out , see a lawyer , never mention divorce and take that OM down .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Only once the affair is dead can you consider rebuilding the marriage or if you chose take a different direction in life , while there is an OM in the picture rational discussion with your wife is a waste of time as is any MC. 

Your marriage can be saved if you can stop this soon , work on improving yourself , body mind and soul . Assume you made mistakes in your marriage and correct them however your wife is 100 percent responsable for the affair , she had many choices and she chose wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

When a wife is secretely trying to destroy her husband you have to ask yourself why should I try to save this marriage? 

Face it, even with a remorseful wife willing to move heaven and earth to keep her husband from leaving her, emotional recovery from the ordeal of marital betrayal may take YEARS for the husband to recover from and it may never happen.

Unremorseful=Unworthy=Divorce.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

part of me wants to sign up for that AM site (the site is filtered here) and create several false accounts and expose all of the cheaters who contact me


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> When a wife is secretely trying to destroy her husband you have to ask yourself why should I try to save this marriage?
> 
> Face it, even with a remorseful wife willing to move heaven and earth to keep her husband from leaving her, emotional recovery from the ordeal of marital betrayal may take YEARS for the husband to recover from and it may never happen.
> 
> Unremorseful=Unworthy=Divorce.


The is the crux of it right here. Last night she told me that even though she knows this is wrong she does not feel guilty because she is angry at me.

The really ****ed up part? As she was leaving for work this morning she came over and gave me a kiss and said bye.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> part of me wants to sign up for that AM site (the site is filtered here) and create several false accounts and expose all of the cheaters who contact me


I know the web site and her username. I signed up for it but haven't had much of a chance to really see what is going on there.

As I said in an earlier post I glanced through several emails from guys from this site, not just the OM. I am beginning to think she is really spreading herself around on this site.

This morning she dressed in all matching bra/underwear/clothes. I haven't seen her do that in a really long time. I am feeling pretty low this morning.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If there is no guilt, there is no reason to stay. And especially if she can kiss you goodbye. Dump her.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

And she will continue to control what is happened as long as you do nothing .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

caferacer said:


> The is the crux of it right here. Last night she told me that even though she knows this is wrong she does not feel guilty because she is angry at me.
> 
> The really ****ed up part? As she was leaving for work this morning she came over and gave me a kiss and said bye.


For you younger folk, it's called "the kiss of death" often given to the intended victim just before he is killed.


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> And she will continue to control what is happened as long as you do nothing .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am working from home today so my plan is to contact a divorce attorney and get some advice on what my next step should be.

I think I am going to scout some near by apartments as well to see what is available.

I want to thank you guys for keeping me focused. The kiss was very distracting and I suspect is was used to keep her in control. She made it very clear in the chat room last night that she is over me. I also saw in the emails this morning that she mentioned a few times that "...this makes me wish my marriage would fail".


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

caferacer said:


> I think I am going to scout some near by apartments as well to see what is available.



no

she needs to look for herself, do NOT leave the house


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Your response to her telling you that she doesn't know if she can stop talking to him, has now allowed her to move forward with the affair. Expect it to become physical. You have now told her (with your actions) that its acceptable for her to cuckold you. You have opened yourself up for a lot of pain.

What you should have done, based on her last comment, was to tell her that you will be seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce. Then you need to expose the affair to her family and your family and friends. Separate finances.

If you have already taken these steps. Please ignore this post.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I am confused ; your moving out , why is she not leaving? Have you exposed to her parents and work . What your wife is doing is no different to what those in affairs do and all your doing is going to Plan D .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Your response to her telling you that she doesn't know if she can stop talking to him, has now allowed her to move forward with the affair. Expect it to become physical. You have now told her (with your actions) that its acceptable for her to cuckold you. You have opened yourself up for a lot of pain.
> 
> What you should have done, based on her last comment, was to tell her that you will be seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce. Then you need to expose the affair to her family and your family and friends. Separate finances.


Yes yes yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback. The only reason I choose to move out is because of the kids. She has two sons from a previous marriage and it is extremely unfair to them to have their mom leave. The only way I see this situation to work is for me to leave. I am going to do everything I can to take my son with me.

Before any of this is done I will be contacting a divorce attorney to make sure I do this correctly.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She's going to get her wish, and you know the old saying "Be careful what you wish for..."


----------



## caferacer (Nov 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> I am confused ; your moving out , why is she not leaving? Have you exposed to her parents and work . What your wife is doing is no different to what those in affairs do and all your doing is going to Plan D .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her mom knows. She lives down the street from me so I will be going down there later to talk to her. I will work on letting the friends know under the guise of notifying them about our separation.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sounds like she used you to raise her boys and provide them a father. Keep the house, or she will move the POSOM in. And you do not want that with your natural son. Her boys are probably already aware of her lack of character. Do not leave her the house. Tell her that you will set her free on the condition of you keeping your son and the house. Now is the time to apply the pressure.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Remember what I said about the u-haul.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A template for her place of work, include copies to her boss, the HR director and the Chairman or MD and send it such that they must sign for it. 

This is not for spite , things may change between you and your wife , you have up to the day before your divorce and she may still come round . 




> To Whom It May Concern:
> 
> This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
> 
> ...


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

imagine what would have happened if caferacer did not find those chats...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not move out. She needs to del with consequences, if it affects her kids, those are consequences. If you are the one who leaves to make it easier, you are taking away consequences from her. Stop being a nice guy to her.

Get those VARs in her car tonight, you need to know what she is planning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

caferacer said:


> I wasn't able to get a copy of the chats unfortunately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> I saw her iphone sitting on her nightstand so I took a peek at her email. It was full of emails from guys from that web site.


So she has probably gone physical with one or more already. If not very soon.

Frankly I would bail on thius situation. I would stay in the home. Get a Lawyer. Divorce. You can move into another place once your place is sold.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

morituri said:


> For you younger folk, it's called "the kiss of death" often given to the intended victim just before he is killed.


Good one. It's exactly what I thought when I read his comment but couldn't articulate it like that.

1 - It's over. Better yourself for you and your kids. She's gone. I've seen wives on this site who've slipped up and had affairs. One party too many and something happened. A mistake with a friend. An affair with a work mate just develops. She's in a rare class that is actively pursuing affairs AND carrying them on right under your nose. Why would you even WANT her back?

2 - If you need to move out, move out. All of these posters are hung up on the "she screwed up, she leaves". In theory, great advice. In practice? I don't know how it works if she fights you on that. Force her out? Lock her out and cause a scene? I don't know how you don't get lawyers and probably police involved in that. And in the meantime you need to see and talk to the lying, cheating skank the whole time. "I'll be down the street starting my new life if yo need me" is MUCH easier for everyone.

Remember: no begging, no whining, no crying. It's all business from here-on.

Good luck.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

caferacer said:


> Thanks for the feedback. The only reason I choose to move out is because of the kids. *She has two sons from a previous marriage and it is extremely unfair to them to have their mom leave.* The only way I see this situation to work is for me to leave. I am going to do everything I can to take my son with me.
> 
> Before any of this is done I will be contacting a divorce attorney to make sure I do this correctly.



Agreed. 2 are her kids and she should be looking after them. 

Are there 3 kids?

Are you renting? Now that she wants to kick you out, have her sign and take over the rent.

So, what happened in her previous marriage? I wonder if she's a serial cheater?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Sounds like she used you to raise her boys and provide them a father. *Keep the house, or she will move the POSOM in. And you do not want that with your natural son.* Her boys are probably already aware of her lack of character. *Do not leave her the house.* Tell her that you will set her free on the condition of you keeping your son and the house. Now is the time to apply the pressure.


Yes. It is fight or flight. You leaving allows the other male to move into your home and take you whole family ... not just your wife. Do not move out. Get a Lawyer and sell the house. Where this is going is you supportingnher and the other guy while you are away and leave your son with them.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and from a legal standpoint she can claim you left her or abandoned the kids, it screws up custody battles


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Go to *Dads divorce* and read, read, read. This site has a forum for fathers going through divorce. Read the *Lessons Learned - Before and During*. You can learn a lot from fathers just like you, who have already gone through what you are going at this moment.


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I'd still have all of her stuff on the lawn when she came back.


----------



## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

She is openly and actively disrespecting you and you marriage. Do not move out. You should never be the fall back guy for your own wife. 

You should have kicked her out the first time she told you another man was going to call her because she didn't find you worthy.

I know kids are involved, but they are her kids (which I'm sure you love) and she needs to feel the consequences of her actions.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think it's hard for men to handle things like this because we are taught that to attract women we need to be kind to them. 

So when we see ourselves loosing our woman we try to fall back to being kind with the hope that she'll remember how it was when they chose to be with us.

Unfortunately when in a EA or PA, out women aren't trying to see the good in us, instead they view us as the enemy keeping them from their chosen man.

That's why playing it soft actually just enables the affair and drives them into the OM arms. 

See the game has changed when you've married. Being sweet and kind woo her was what you did to first get her, but after that she's yours' and the strategy must **** to being the protector who will not accept and will defend threats to take her away.

that's why standing up for the marriage and yourself and not accepting any straying at all is the right strategy to follow.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cafe: If I might explain the concerns with payments on bills - etc - if you kick her out - you explain to her that while married, no matter what she does / lives, she's still responsible for half and you WILL hold her to it. She may not pay them now - but she will with the Divorce settlement. Do you live in an at fault state?

I thought the statement you made about how she dressed this morning (all matching including underwear and bra) would tell me that she's got something going local. Matter of fact - she maybe engaged with multiple affairs (that might be local - or have been made available locally - today)

You need to MAN up now. This is when it counts. Anything she is using to have her affairs need to come from her pockets strictly - no cost sharing here.

Get this one shut down and allow no more disrespect. Tell her where the door is and not to let it hit her in the ASZ. 

This is where you will lose or gain respect from your child together, but hers too. Don't count on MIL being on your side either. 

Expose, expose, expose! Without telling her you are doing this. 

Good luck!


----------

