# She wants a break......



## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

For some background, I'm 46 and currently separated for over two years with no hope of reconciliation. My ex and I work hard to keep a good life for our two sons ten and twelve. We have 50/50 custody and are amicable.
My girlfriend of over a year is divorced for five years. She had a very abusive marriage and it still rears its ugly head quite often.
She has a ten year old son and a five year old daughter whom I love like my own.
My younger son and her son play rep hockey together which is how we met.
We have had a great relationship up to this point. Never had a fight and are very compatible and comfortable. 
Because I have my boys every other week I spend it at my house and we are together the off weeks. I'm her first real relationship since her divorce and the first guy to be allowed around her children.
Her issues stem from our two sons who play hockey and go to school together. They are more like brothers in that that they are best friends one minute and fighting the next.
My ex has moved her man into my house and oddly enough his son is on the kids hockey team as well. That was what caused our split but that's another story.....
My girlfriend has real issues with having to deal with the drama from him and his ex-wife and having to have to be in constant contact with them around hockey.
She became rather distant a week ago and then announced that she thinks we need a break because she is having a really hard time with it lately.
I really don't want to end what has become a great relationship with a woman whom I really love and her kids whom I love as well.
My question to you folks is do I respect her wish and see what happens or do I work towards getting the issues resolved and stay in her life.
I think we have something great and so does she but its the outside pressures that will do us in.......


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

What ever you do dont beg or coerce her to stay. Let her know you love her and hope she changes her mind. Let her leave if she wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hockeydad said:


> For some background, I'm 46 and currently separated for over two years with no hope of reconciliation. My ex and I work hard to keep a good life for our two sons ten and twelve. We have 50/50 custody and are amicable.
> My girlfriend of over a year is divorced for five years. She had a very abusive marriage and it still rears its ugly head quite often.
> She has a ten year old son and a five year old daughter whom I love like my own.
> My younger son and her son play rep hockey together which is how we met.
> ...


I'd go for option #3... _respect her wishes *while* working to resolve the aforementioned issues._

Also, what's w/ extended separation? What's the timeline on your divorce?


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

My ex and I really don't have a timeline as to divorce. It works for now and its not like her current relationship is going to lead to marriage.....

My gf and I saw each other at hockey this morning and are going to sit and talk soon. Since she sent the text I've kept contact to a minimum.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hockeydad said:


> My ex and I really don't have a timeline as to divorce. It works for now and its not like her current relationship is going to lead to marriage.....
> 
> My gf and I saw each other at hockey this morning and are going to sit and talk soon. Since she sent the text I've kept contact to a minimum.


Hmm.

What about YOUR current relationship? Do you feel that it could lead to marriage? Be concerned w/ THAT.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

You never know..... Although as she says she is very jaded and doesn't believe in forever anymore.

I've been told by everyone close to her that its just her talking tough.....

I really don't want to lose this beautiful woman because of influences that are outside of our relationship.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hockeydad said:


> My ex and I really don't have a timeline as to divorce. It works for now


How do you think your girlfriend feels about the fact that you aren't on a timeline for divorce?

If there's no hope for reconciliation then why not get it done already?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lenzi said:


> How do you think your girlfriend feels about the fact that you aren't on a timeline for divorce?
> 
> If there's no hope for reconciliation then why not get it done already?


If I had to guess, I'd say that she feels pretty low on his list of priorities.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If you want a chance to save this new relationship, then end your marriage.

I feel like I'm stating the obvious here.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Oddly enough she is the one that told me to not sign the separation agreement.....

Its not an issue with her.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

" I'm 46 and currently separated for over two years with no hope of reconciliation." Then why not take definitive steps to move on with your life, and work towards finalizing your divorce? Why get involved with someone else and their children if that is not the case? That just complicates things even more.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

HD, 

I have a hard time figuring out what your GF is upset about. You said "My girlfriend has real issues with having to deal with the drama from him and his ex-wife and having to have to be in constant contact with them around hockey." 

Who is "him"? Is she upset about YOUR ex and your ex's BF being at all the hockey games? Or your ex's BF and his ex wife? Is your ex's BF your GF's ex (if that makes sense)? Without knowing what exactly your GF is upset about, it's hard to provide any advice.

I'm going to try anyway though. Since you asked and all.  

I agree with Gus; find out what her issues really are. Work on them. And also give her some space, if that is what she is asking for.

If the hockey games are causing conflict, maybe work out you covering for her, or find some solutions that the two of you can do together to help her deal with whatever is causing the problem. 

I think it is very important that you handle her with great kindness right now, make it safe for her to tell you what is really going on, and offer to help her. She was in an abusive relationship prior, and I suspect that she isn't comfortable really talking to you about things that bother her. I say this because you haven't had much conflict in your relationship with her so far, and instead of talking with you about this first, she went to "we need a break." She is problem-solving on her own.

I also suspect that your marital status really is an issue. And, if it's not for your current GF, it surely will be for most others, if the two of you do split up. 

It is one thing to date someone who is going through a divorce. It is wholly another to consider dating someone who is not actively pursuing divorce and who is basically content to remain legally married. That is a whole lot of Ick right there. 

I am not sure why she would tell you not to sign the separation agreement- maybe she doesn't want the pressure of having you go through with it just for her sake. Who knows.

Doesn't really matter- just get it done. There is something yucky about a guy (and woman) who is just content to let his marital status stay married, even though the marriage is done. If it's done, make it dead. It's a bit like Norman Bates keeping the dead corpse in the sitting room. Bury the thing!


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Thanks guys. The whole still being married never really came up before but maybe it is an underlying problem.....

As for the drama it mainly involves the slug who is living with my ex and his ex wife. Fairly complicated but here goes....
my wife and I had problems in our marriage that didn't involve abuse or any such things. This parent on the team saw it as an opportunity and pursued my wife. We separated and he left his wife and kids a week later.....
Convenient wasn't it? Within a year he had proceeded to move into my house..... They aren't well liked by the other parents on the team especially by his ex wife....

My gf and I started a relationship a year ago and she was well aware of the situation and we just tried to ignore the drama.

I will start to get things wrapped up in regards to getting a divorce.... Hadn't thought it was an issue but maybe it is....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe she thinks it's an issue and maybe she doesn't (my vote says she does). You'll find out once you're divorced.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

When we have the talk I'll ask.....

She is a great woman and I've been really happy and so has she.
I've been the closest thing to a father either of her kids have had and she has bought a house that I've been working to renovate for her.

Its so frustrating and I don't want to lose her or her kids over something that can be prevented or remedied......


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks for the clarification, but I still can't figure out what about the Ex- and Hockey situation is making her say that she can't handle your relationship and wants a break. 

Even if the two of you are no longer a couple, she will still have to deal with their presence since her son plays hockey, right? Is your ex taunting her in some way? 

At any rate, I'd let her know that you really care about her and want to stay together. Don't be desperate, but let her know you care. There might be something else bothering her that she isn't willing to tell you about- what she's told you so far doesn't make sense (well, to me anyway but I might just be misunderstanding.) If that is the case, try to find out what is really bothering her. 

Did something in particular happen last week that might have caused her to withdraw?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

HockeyDad sorry to have you here again. It is very clear that your current (detached now) gf has an issue with the drama surrounding you and the fact that you are still legally married to this "drama" is dragging her down. I am surprised that she asked you not to sign the separation agreement but that maybe because she thought the separation agreement wasn't fair or in your favour.

If I get this straight from your last set of posts in 2013:


Your wife and you had problems and when asked if there was someone else (and according to you she was a very moral persona and the kind of person who "would never lie to you"), she lied and said no. This "moral non-liar" was cheating with "the slug" who had drinking and serial cheating problems although he was impotent and couldn't make it physical!?!


She then asked you for a separation and the slug left his family at about the same time as you two separated.


She eventually moved the slug into your house. Even though he is not marriage material and cannot get it up. 


The slug's ex-wife even told you what they were doing.


 Yet when you confronted your ex-wife, her main concern was for her "reputation in healthcare" and she lied to you. In another post you chose to believe your wife when she said it wasn't cheating and you were still kind of hoping for a reconciliation. I hope you now understand that your wife was/is not moral and was/is pretty good at lying and deceiving.


You never thought it would last but here we are two years on. They are still together (cannot think why).


Now you are saying the slug isn't marriage material but to be honest you have been spectacularly wrong about things in the past.


One year ago (having been separated for over a year, you found another girl (who was abused by her ex, is divorced, has kids and has her own issues to deal with).


All of you have kids on the same hockey team (what a mess and how messed up for the kids!).


There is a lot of drama (largely created by the slug's ex-wife) still going on in this mess and in the town in general which is getting to your gf.


You seem to think that your gf doesn't have issues with the fact that you are still married (refer to being spectacularly wrong in previous bullets).

I think that about sums it up - let me know if I got anything wrong there. You have a lot of work to do. 


Get yourself completely unhitched from what I will refer to collectively as "the mess".


Protect your children as much as possible from "the mess".


The status quo you seem bent on maintaining with your ex-wife (who is one of the main creators of "the mess") is wrong!


You need to let her know that "the mess" she and the slug created is harming everyone and is toxic and is particularly harmful to you and your kids. She needs to do something about it (the divorce from you being the starting point).


You then need to work on yourself and make yourself a more stable and well rounded person with much less baggage before approaching you gf again. It may be too late by then but at least you will be a better person for future relationships.

Take care of yourself and your kids and distance yourself from "the mess" asap.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Can't you get your kid and the gf's kid on a different team? That would cut down on a lot of contact, wouldn't it?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you, Mr. Man, for breaking it down.

One other thing I find curious- and I could be very very off.

HockeyDad, do you have the smallest wish to reconcile with your WW? If she and the slug broke it off tomorrow and she came back, wanting to reunite the family, would even a small part of you consider it?

I ask because you've indicated that you and your wife are amicable, 50/50, and that there is "no hope" of reconciliation, rather than "I will never be with her again" or "we are never, ever, ever getting back together!" 

Someone who says "i have no hope" usually means they wish for something they know will never happen and are hopeless about it.

I wonder if your GF feels that you still are actually in love with your wife at some level and won't get divorced, won't remove your wife from your life to the extent that it is possible, etc.

Just throwing that possibility out there.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Wow.... You got me there. I have been known to be spectacularly wrong before..... Hmmm..... something else I need to work on....

As for a reconciliation... Not a chance. I won't go back to that again.

I will be signing the papers tonight and start the divorce ball rolling....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hockeydad said:


> Oddly enough she is the one that told me to not sign the separation agreement.....
> 
> Its not an issue with her.


Why would she tell you not to sign the separation agreement?

Why is it even her business anyway?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, it sounds like you've taken a puck or two to the head. She cheated on you, moved her paramour into your home with your children, conspired with you to protect her reputation and plays 'one big happy family' at hockey events. Your wife can give lessons on cuckholding.

Get the divorce and get your self-respect back. Your girlfriend may regain some respect for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> .....
> My girlfriend has real issues with having to deal with the drama from him and his ex-wife and having to have to be in constant contact with them around hockey.
> .......


What makes you think you have any control over her issue here?

From were I'm sitting your new chick is going to have to iron out this issue on her own......wish her the best of luck!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> HockeyDad sorry to have you here again. It is very clear that your current (detached now) gf has an issue with the drama surrounding you and the fact that you are still legally married to this "drama" is dragging her down. I am surprised that she asked you not to sign the separation agreement but that maybe because she thought the separation agreement wasn't fair or in your favour.
> 
> If I get this straight from your last set of posts in 2013:
> 
> ...


I'd be willing to bet a dozen donuts that OM isn't impotent... and I'm a guy who enjoys his donuts.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

the guy said:


> What makes you think you have any control over her issue here?
> 
> From were I'm sitting your new chick is going to have to iron out this issue on her own......wish her the best of luck!


Amen, brother!

Instead of sitting down with you and discussing relationship issues like a well balanced person...she played the separation card.

Your repeating your nice guy mistakes all over again.

Me? I'd let her go. Just say..ok. So long. Thanks for all the fish!

Let her suck on that for a while.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

So.... Just want to thank everyone for their advice and input.

We had a lot of communication and we will be fine. She has a lot of things to deal with and didn't want me or our relationship to suffer well she works things out.

I'm not going anywhere and will help her along any way I can. She is onboard and we're good.

My ex is in shock that I'm proceeding with the separation agreement and want to get the divorce as soon as possible. Not sure what thats all about when it was of the utmost importance to her earlier.

Life is good even with all the challenges and curve balls that get thrown at you....

Oh and yes I have taken many pucks to the head as a retired goalie.....
Still get the odd one now as a skater but not as many.....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> So.... Just want to thank everyone for their advice and input.
> 
> We had a lot of communication and we will be fine. She has a lot of things to deal with and didn't want me or our relationship to suffer well she works things out.
> 
> ...


This all sounds good except the 'her dealing with issues without effecting the relationship part'...

You know, as if 'taking a break' doesn't impact the relationship?

Make sure you don't fall into mr nice guy roll out the red carpet support her no matter what role.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Can't help the Mr nice guy. Its who I am......

She is a full time single mother who needs help... I have my boys every other week so I suppose I'm sort of a half time father (although I'm always there for them). If I can help with relieving some of her burden I'm happy to do it.....


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

"Mr Nice Guy" in TAM means Man Without Boundaries. It's fine to be kind, loving, supportive guy; just ensure that you are treated well, too. It can't be a one-way street.

I am happy to hear that you two are working it out. And delighted to hear that you're pushing the divorce! Best of luck!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> Can't help the Mr nice guy. Its who I am......
> 
> She is a full time single mother who needs help... I have my boys every other week so I suppose I'm sort of a half time father (although I'm always there for them). If I can help with relieving some of her burden I'm happy to do it.....


C'mon man...

Would you say your marriage was a fair and equitable arrangement? Your divorce?

Dating the new Mrs Right? Does she contribute as much as you do?

Or do you just roll out the red carpet and she walks on it?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hockeydad said:


> Oh and yes I have taken many pucks to the head as a retired goalie.....
> Still get the odd one now as a skater but not as many.....


Retired goalie-turned-forward here too.

First things first, everybody's on the same team, so that's not great right there. I assume there's only the one rep team in your city, so maybe bump your kid down to B or something. It's not that bad, still competitive, and unless your boy is a phenom, he's probably not going to make a career out of hockey anyway.

Helps lighten the load of all 3 "families" being in the same arenas several times a week and all that.

Not my business, but all this drama probably isn't good for the kids, either. Everybody knows that so-and-so's mom is now with his dad, and vice versa, and the other's kids dad left his mom to be with the other kids mom. It's kind of messed up. The poor kids are there to just play hockey and there's all this drama and weirdness going on.


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