# Sadly I find myself here



## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

I made the worse mistake of my life and sadly not the first time I cheated. My wife has no idea I have cheated and what worse I have a 2 yr old daughter that means the world, and I cheated on her mother. I done it before but this time its a bitter pill to swallow. Not only did I cheat but I paid for it. Dumb, DUMB, did I say Dumb? We been marry 10 years and I love my wife, I do. I have no excuse nor will I even try to make a reason. I was drunk and even that was no reason. I messed up a poor choice on many levels. I have prayed to God all day to forgive me... I have a good career ( lucky to have a job) and I should feel bless enough to not screw with the blessing I have, but the simple fact is I did not.

I know I am not alone but it a group I wish I was not a part of. I feel like a jerk and ---hole, all the names that go with it. When I just forgave myself for the other times, I find myself on the same highway to hail. What should I do? I dont wanna tell her.. Why break her heart and rip a home life as my daughter knows. I feel dumb for doing it. I am sick to my stomach. 

What steps I need to repair myself? What steps do I need to repair my relationship with God? Thanks...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I think you need to repair the situation with your wife. If God exists He can take care of himself, and you must take the back seat.
You've repeatedly cheated, yet learned nothing.
I think it's only justification that you let your wife see who you really are and let her make the decisions for herself.
Knock the self preservation on the head for a moment and remember that it's your wife who should forgive you, but she can't do that as long as you keep on lying to her to protect your own arse.
I don't mean to be brutal, but you're still thinking about yourself and putting yourself first. Again.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

If you don't tell her. It will eat you up. It will kill your marriage stone dead.

You may lose your wife. It is up to HER to forgive you. Not God.

Tell her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have two choices:

1. Take the secret of your betrayal to the grave.
2. Confess to her your betrayal.

If you choose #1 then you will have to deal with knowing that you are fraud. That the man your wife loves and admires does not exist. It will corrode your insides like acid.

If you choose #2 then you run the risk of her divorcing you and moving on with her life.

Nevertheless, your wife deserves to know who you truly are and decide if she wants to remain married to you.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

sense I posted this I have been reading other sites advice on this matter, and all are pretty 50/50 on telling. This time I feel more guilt than I have ever felt. I feel if I tell her I make her feel bad and ruin her. Living with this and is all on me. Time heals everything... This more about me than her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you cheated on your wife more than once, what on God's green Earth makes you believe you won't do it again? 

Telling her might make her choose to divorce you but at least she won't be subjected to more of your serial cheating, your endangering her life with an STD and living a sham of a marriage.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Tell her. 

If you really respect her. Love her. Appreciate her. Then you have to tell her.

This is just as much as about her as it is you. She has EVERY right to decide if she wants to be married to you.

You will do it again. It will happen again.

TELL HER.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Ah. The old, let's not ruin her (save myself) by telling her what I did (breaking the marriage vows) and prevent her from being hurt (and kicking my arse out onto the street).
Seriously, don't spill all that God stuff onto me, you're acting cowardly, selfishly and disrespectfully. You clearly have no respect for your wife, you've cheated before and you WILL cheat again. Let the poor woamn go and choose whether she wants to be with a cowardly, dishonest, self-preserving and self serving cheat, or whether she would be better off without you. 
You're pretending that you're protecting her feelings as a cover from minimising the chance of you being kicked out.
If you really love her then let her make the decision. If she finds out on her own your chances will be 200 times lower.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

H D...I am just in your situation, but this is my first, So what I am doing now is NC with OP, and I am posting my status of NC here so I feel that I have accountability, I am trying to get out of any kind of A, and concentrate on my family only. I also dont want to bring my H within this distress and ofcourse dishonour.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's funny how so many of these cheaters act like the sex just happened.

You did it. Own it.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

This was very eye opening Sin of Adultery - From a Biblical Perspective

No I won't do it again. I have done it twice and this is the last time. I ccan't put myself through this again. I wont put myself through it . After reading the above link, I really dont wanna repeat something I ask forgiveness for.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's funny how so many of these cheaters act like the sex just happened.
> 
> You did it. Own it.


I think I know that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How dumb said:


> This was very eye opening Sin of Adultery - From a Biblical Perspective
> 
> No I won't do it again. I have done it twice and this is the last time. I ccan't put myself through this again. I wont put myself through it . After reading the above link, I really dont wanna repeat something I ask forgiveness for.


You are delusional. Who is going to hold you accountable when you have had such poor history of being accountable?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How dumb said:


> I think I know that.


Do you? Do you really? Your first post sounded like the affair just happened and you had no control over what happened. I'm glad you say you have no excuse, however you had to throw out there that you were drunk. But no reason?? That's makes it even worse, in my opinion. 

Now you feel bad because your wife has NO idea and thinks you're a good husband.

God will forgive you. I'm not so sure about your wife.

Everything in your OP is "I, I, I" ...there's really nothing showing concern for your wife's feelings, other than breaking her heart. I really see no remorse here. Just guilt.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> You are delusional. Who is going to hold you accountable when you have had such poor history of being accountable?


:iagree:


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

How dumb said:


> This was very eye opening Sin of Adultery - From a Biblical Perspective
> 
> No I won't do it again. I have done it twice and this is the last time. I ccan't put myself through this again. I wont put myself through it . After reading the above link, I really dont wanna repeat something I ask forgiveness for.


I am not sure this has occurred to you so I need to say it.

If you ask God to forgive your affair, and you don't want to repeat something you have asked forgiveness for..... How will you continue to lie to your wife and continue to ask for forgiveness for that?

While it is true that God is your only judge, he will judge you for a lifetime of lies to your wife. You can't create hoops to jump through, you can't explain it away. Even if you never do it again. 

You keep talking about doing this to yourself. What have you done to your wife?

Tell her. Fight for her. Fight together. 

Tell her. She has every right to know. You have no right to lie to her.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Do you? Do you really? Your first post sounded like the affair just happened and you had no control over what happened. I'm glad you say you have no excuse, however you had to throw out there that you were drunk. But no reason?? That's makes it even worse, in my opinion.
> 
> Now you feel bad because your wife has NO idea and thinks you're a good husband.
> 
> God will forgive you. I'm not so sure about your wife.


sorry I came across as blaming drunk for my action. being drunk is no excuses for action you take. If that did work people would get drunk and rob a bank. Me being drunk is not the bar tender fault. If it was I could blame her for this. No its my fault. 100% my fault. I dont blame anyone. It my fault for allowing myself to get like that and make the act happen. I am sorry, I feel bad. It wont happen again because I want to be better than that. I want to show my maker I learn from such a act. I did it. I messed up. I did it , not another person I did it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't believe you won't do it again, and I'm not even your wife!

If my husband cheated once, MAYBE we could work it out. But twice? lolll I'd show him the door.

It's not that hard to keep your **** in your pants.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

I thank y'all for your imput and view on this. I have a lot of work to do. I messed up... I will not do it again.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Just tell her it was an accident, and that you tripped. 


Seriously, she deserves to know. I'm a lot more concerned about her not having to be put at risk for STD's and basically living a lie.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Just tell her it was an accident, and that you tripped.
> 
> 
> Seriously, she deserves to know. I'm a lot more concerned about her not having to be put at risk for STD's and basically living a lie.


Not going live a lie anymore... I admit to God my Sins. I believe that all I need to do and prove to him I will not do it again. I will be a better person to my wife. by helping out more and helping out and giving her rest. That my way of showing my maker I have change and that I want to life right. I hot rock bottom last night and tonight and from here on out I am raiseing again. I have admitted my sins and I have taking more steps than I have before. I thank y'all. I am going to live right and be better to all in my life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Easy to say, harder to do.

Were you all about god when you cheated?


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

No I was not ... That pretty clear. I was all out for me and my selfish self.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

hmmm..as a wife of a somewhat cheater,i would suggest that u dont tell her,remember what u dont know wont hurt you.but on the otherhand,it will eat u up.this is my idea,pay it back by being sweet to her,surprise her and do everything u can to make her feel satisfied. and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. just a thought,right now i wished i didnt spyed on my husband,cuz i am hurting with what i knew.but all along he played a good husband and father to my family.i dont know if i am making sense here.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I personally don't believe in a God. What I do believe is that you're deceiving your wife to protect yourself. All this God forgives etc (even thought you have a proven pattern of repeat behaviour) is to help you got over your feelings of being a cheat.
Your wife has a RIGHT to know, but you daren't allow her to make a judgement on you because it might not be what you want to hear.
I'm pretty sure that committing adultery was against one of the 10 commandments, yet here you are, hiding it from your wife who you committed that same act against. Really, take some responsibility for what you did and have the courage to let your wife make her own decisions.
Please, start being honest.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It's probably been said before, but coming clean on your own recognisance will show a strength to your wife. She will be upset, she will be hurt, she will be angry. She will ask questions for weeks and months and even years.

One thing she will never question is the strength and character her husband was able to demonstrate by manning up, coming clean, seeking guidance and resolve.

Perhaps the help of a counselor will help you sort through you, and help her cope with the relevation.

Good luck. I commend you for wanting to confront this.


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## How dumb (Aug 13, 2011)

kenken said:


> hmmm..as a wife of a somewhat cheater,i would suggest that u dont tell her,remember what u dont know wont hurt you.but on the otherhand,it will eat u up.this is my idea,pay it back by being sweet to her,surprise her and do everything u can to make her feel satisfied. and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. just a thought,right now i wished i didnt spyed on my husband,cuz i am hurting with what i knew.but all along he played a good husband and father to my family.i dont know if i am making sense here.


That how I feel about it as well. That how I feel I should go about this. I feel awful for what I have done. I even feel bad for even admitting to have cheated here, because I feel its a slap in many of y'alls faces that been cheated on. It wont happen again ever. I can't have another act like this again. I cant and I wont. I thank everyone for their responds. I have some cleaning to do for her.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Sounds like something is missing here. You cheated, and cheated before, but she doesn't know. Yet you said this time you "paid for it". What happened this time around that you feel you paid for it(STD, pregnancy, etc?)?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you keep the secret then I predict one day you'll find yourself once again in the situation and you'll think 

"Well one more time won't hurt." and then you'll stay again. And then again. 

Why? Because other than feeling bad which will pass in time, you've suffered no consequences for your selfish choice. You've gotten away with it, except for a short term bad feeling. 

You need to be a man and stand up and take your medicine.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

How dumb said:


> That how I feel about it as well. That how I feel I should go about this. I feel awful for what I have done. I even feel bad for even admitting to have cheated here, because I feel its a slap in many of y'alls faces that been cheated on. It wont happen again ever. I can't have another act like this again. I cant and I wont. I thank everyone for their responds. I have some cleaning to do for her.


What are you going to do to make sure you don't do it it again?

You indicated that you were with a group of men who did this or encouraged you?

have you cut ties with them?

Will you seek counseling to find out what makes you such a weak and dishonourable man?

How will ensure that you are stronger in future and have the courage to stick to your convictions in face of peer pressure? 

Are you getting tested for STD's?


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