# Are you scared of your future, maybe you can't find another chance ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I hate what this has done to us , me, and how it's stolen 18yrs and then left us like this, me like this.
i've always got along with girls really well , and they've always liked me . but now , i'm scared [email protected] , maybe i've used it all up , maybe i don't get another chance.
maybe no one likes me any more , maybe i can't even find someone to find out.

i don't even want anyone else , i want my family back . but now i have to start again , when i don't even want to love someone else , i want to love my wife. that's who i wanted to grow old with and so did she only 5mths ago.
it all feels so wrong , i know she forced it , i know this whole thing is forced . she did it because of basically what she thought was going on , in all sorts of ways and yea one was a girl.
but that wasn't going on , neither was any of the other things. we were very good friends on the girl front but no nothing ever happened.
it's basically the same with everything else , you could say it was all wrong to and nothing happened . none of what she'd been thinking and not telling me about , was happening !

but here i am , for whatever reason , like you guys , forced to start over.

do you have those thoughts to , fears ?

you know it makes me think right through this that do they even understand the chance and risk they're taking. ?
check out singles bars or match making clubs all over the net. there are millions of people out there , all having one hell of a time , often for yrs on end and still not finding someone.
and then there's the ties /bond , so many people split yet end up drawn back to each other .

it's amazing really that the walkers are even game to walk really because it's tough no matter who you are .

it's scaring the [email protected] out of me now i know that much.

my sisters the same age as my wife and she split up n6 yrs ago with two kids - she's still single.
my other sisters been single most of her adult life , she's a great looking girl to. i know guys like that too. most of them would kill to have what ours are throwing away.
just all makes you think , worry !


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

I worry about being alone forever and not getting another chance at love in the future (when I am ready). Most, not all, but most of the spouses that did the leaving already had someone on the side, they won't have to go through being alone and wondering, because they left us for someone else. I hope we all find ourselves again and find someone that loves us as much as we love them.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

It's ok to be scared right now - I know I am. As long as we don't remain in this State of Fear for too long. At some point, we need to get out there - test the waters, mess up Lol, test some more and eventually strike jack pot.

I don't want to make the same mistakes - so I want to fix Me before getting out there again. Though I miss having a significant other's company from time to time - I know that I am not ready.

I want to rinse out all the stink off me before doing anything.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I hear you! I have the same fears and it really sucks! It hard to stay positive and the dwelling thoughts seem to linger. I want what I had back but it ain't gonna happen.


My thoughts are that I first need to become happy with myself. Doing whatever makes me happy. Being alone blows but it's a fact of life right now. Only once I am happy with myself and my life and go about life in that state of mind will happy doors open. If behind that door is another person I would rather meet them after establishing my own happy life and have happyness to share with them. If i done meet someone at least i will be happier with MY life then i was before. During this whole process I've learned I put to much of my happyness into stbx. No 1 person should be the sole purpose of your happyness.

Easier said then done though, as I am miserable! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Absolutely frightened! 

Off the market and out of the "game" for a decade. Where to even start? Awkward doesn't even being to describe how I feel toward approaching women now. I know I'm pretty good looking and a good catch, but that obviously only gets you so far. 

Then there's quality. Bars and clubs might be great to pick up a lay but not a future stepmom for my D6. 

Then age. Many suggest I go older this time. Someone more experienced. But that also would probably mean extra kids in the mix. Whole new set of challenges. But go young again with no kids and I risk repeating a pattern. Not to mention ol snipperoo.

And if/when I do find someone and if/when there is love and commitment even greater than my last, what about family life? How could it ever be as comfortable at home in a mixed family as it was with a traditional H/W/DD?

Yes, hawk. terrifying.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

This is the perfect post for me right now. I'm 50, getting ready to experience my 3rd divorce.. My stbxw turned out to be a serial cheater. Screwed me financially, etc

This year has been terrible. I lost my house in March. Moved into an apartement. Trying to fix our marriag at the same time. She moved out while I was at work on Sept 21 and I have never seen her again. She blocked my cell phone, won't answer her work phone and won't respond to my emails except to tell me she will file for the D in January.

Meanwhile, I couldn't afford the appartment we were in by myself due to all the other bills she left behind. So now I live in a small 2 bedroom with my dog and cat and this place svcks. But it's the besst i can do right now.

I have really never lived along all my adult life, between roomates, girlfriends or wives, I'd say if I totalled it all up maybe 12 months of my entire life have I lived alone.

Scared? ya. But at the same time I kind of like the fact that I may finally figure out me.


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## keepthefaith (Nov 24, 2012)

I understand the extreme fear. My stbxh left me 6 months ago. We were together for 23 years...my entire adult life..and we have two sons, 17 & 13. The stbxh has had his OW since the week I moved out and she has 2 sons, 13 & 3. I constantly question the fairness in this situation. I did nothing wrong. Gave everything I had to try and make him happy and I am the one left to be alone while he gets the new family and has never spent on night alone. I worry that at my age that I will never find anyone else. Isn't fair! But I focus on bettering myself and learning who I am. Like I said we have been together for our entire adult life so I have no idea who I am without him....but I am surely going to find out!! And most importantly, I am going to be sure that my boys are loved and well cared for. If they are happy then my job is done!!


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I have that but it's like this.
When there is a divorce it's RARELY every mutual, as in one person has made their mind up and is ready to move on, whereas the other still loves that person and wants to fix it.

The ones that still love don't want to move on, they want to continue to their spouse and have it work out. Does that happen? In many cases doesn't look so

So me personally I still love my wife, I always will. I don't even think I want to start over, it sounds exhausting and if this ever happened again I couldn't handle it. Although statistically the odds are against our spouses to find someone who loved them and made them as happy as their first partner.

In my eyes no one can compare to my wife, no one I want to take my wife's place, and as I said it just sounds exhausting to start from scratch...


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I am absolutely filled with terror and fear every single day. In the last 6 months I have lost my wife, she took our little baby hundreds of miles away. I have lost our house, and now my job is on the line. And where I live I have no friends or family.

So yeah, I am filled with absolute terror. Not in finding anyone else, but I have no stability or certainty for the future, none at all.

I'm not interested in finding someone else (I am 35).

I am just filled with fear of what the future holds and how I will live and function, on my own.

And during the time that she left me, I had to deal single handedly with Real Estate agents, banks, house inspections and lawyers. All in a haze of grief.

I just pray to God that 2013 will be a good year. I must remain faithful to Him, and try to be positive.

I look to the future and I just don't have any certainty whatsoever.

It's like living a nightmare 24 hours a day.

Thanks for listening.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

StephenG said:


> I have that but it's like this.
> When there is a divorce it's RARELY every mutual, as in one person has made their mind up and is ready to move on, whereas the other still loves that person and wants to fix it.
> 
> The ones that still love don't want to move on, they want to continue to their spouse and have it work out. Does that happen? In many cases doesn't look so
> ...


I feel the same! I am scared to put myself out there. I am not ready. But when I do I have my daughters all the time except for two weekends a month. Does not leave a lot of time...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Nope. I honestly believe that the universe will deliver to my doorstep according to my imagination. It's just a matter of allowing the time-space continuum the opportunity to manifest what it is you desire...and not losing track of it while you wait.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am absolutely filled with terror and fear every single day. In the last 6 months I have lost my wife, she took our little baby hundreds of miles away. I have lost our house, and now my job is on the line. And where I live I have no friends or family.
> 
> ...


I think you should change your username...it sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy :-( Is there no way you can follow your baby?


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I feel the same! I am scared to put myself out there. I am not ready. But when I do I have my daughters all the time except for two weekends a month. Does not leave a lot of time...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't even know how to go about meeting someone else...

You're right that surely doesn't leave much time for you to meet anyone although in your situation know you have some light.

Atleast through your marriage you gained 2 beautiful daughters .

Most the time people meet without even trying, so who knows maybe luck will be on our side for once


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Are you scared of your future, maybe you can't find another chance ?


Yes.

And THANK GOD.

That was the problem. Thinking you're done or not taking responsibility for one's own future is the same as stumbling around waiting to die.

I lost something great. It's not the only great thing i've done. I can't to see what's next in store for me. I make my own future.

Stop wallowing. To paraphrase Richard Bach: argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

StephenG said:


> I wouldn't even know how to go about meeting someone else...
> 
> You're right that surely doesn't leave much time for you to meet anyone although in your situation know you have some light.
> 
> ...


I am going to have a great 2013

Yes I love my kids and I thank God daily but there are more issues when trying to date..

I dont want to have anymore kids myself, step is fine

Then introducing a new man, just alittle overwhelming not that I am even close to thinking about dating..


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

One thing I regret now is that I never had any kids. My 1st wife did. My 2nd didn't and we didn't want any because we were too busy doing whatever we wanted. By my last marriage i was 47 and she already had grown kids and teenagers..

Now I find that I am truly alone.. I don't have 'friends' but many acquantences... 

So I will work on changing some things about me that i know are flawed. And hopefully I will find someone someday. If i don't that's just the way the cards were dealt.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Are you scared of your future, maybe you can't find another chance ?


Yes, I feel somewhat fearful. There's a lot that I want that is not in my control, especially when it comes to meeting people. But can I do anything to change that? Not always. 

So, I work on myself. I'm not going to stop living while I'm waiting to meet someone. No matter what, this is my only go-round in life. I've lost enough of it, spending time waiting. If I meet someone and we are happy and healthy together, :smthumbup:. 

I don't miss my STBXH. What I miss is being a part of a close relationship. I hope to God he wasn't my only shot. But I didn't ever expect to meet anyone at all, so who knows what the future will bring? 

Paralysis and worry are guaranteed to make your fears come true.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

StephenG said:


> I have that but it's like this.
> When there is a divorce it's RARELY every mutual, as in one person has made their mind up and is ready to move on, whereas the other still loves that person and wants to fix it.
> 
> The ones that still love don't want to move on, they want to continue to their spouse and have it work out. Does that happen? In many cases doesn't look so
> ...



i can't wait to come back later - when i finish mowing and painting = i must do that stuff to take my mind of things or i'll go mad. 
what i really feel like doing is sinking into a corner and righting myself off with the scotch i got for xmas- hu, from my ex . how ironic !

but this is a huge thing for me to .
i know we can't compare now , think about our ex with someone new. if there is someone new , she'll be a completely different animal - totally. 
but my ex was an original , she's a one off in every way. that's why i fell in love with her. i loved all those things about her but they were all very different to the norm. our life , both of us , everything was different to the norm on every front .
the way we got along was also very unique , different to. people especially girls always stared at us with dreamy eyes , commented . no one can believe she walked .
the whole combo , i'd want another her/us. i couldn't imagine being other couples and we always talked about that stuff and neither of us could.
there was nothing wrong with other couples but we were just so different to them.
but of course not only did they not make another her but you can't leave this wanting to find another her , another us.
that's just gonna f'k you right over and the new person to. but that's what i'd want .
she knew of course we were a one off to , she agreed she'd never find us again or anything even close to like us again, yet she still walked.

this new friend of hers , yep , she had a new friend to - one of those ! my god you should see them together, talk about the odd couple . 
we had more fun in our very first phone call than these two look like they'll ever have in a life time. how strange !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Nope. I honestly believe that the universe will deliver to my doorstep according to my imagination. It's just a matter of allowing the time-space continuum the opportunity to manifest what it is you desire...and not losing track of it while you wait.



do you really think this , or are you just having a dig at us ?

you know i knew my wife was coming , i knew for 8mths . l even rushed out things i wanted to do before i got tied down again , i started organizing stuff to , preparing, and then suddenly , there she was , right on Que ! i can't explain it but i did know and i was at peace inside because i knew she was on her way.

but i feel nothing now , no one , i can't feel or imagine one damn thing. that's really scaring me !


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

It's important for us to acknowledge these fears. You can't overcome your fears if you can't name them. One of the important steps in rebuilding. 

But it is more important what we do with these fears. Acknowledge them. Accept them. And work through them. 

That's why I'm going out again this weekend. Went to Scottsdale clubs last weekend, got drunk and slipped on the 180. Ended up drunk texting her brother. Oh well, at least he knows my side now. Better yet I know to leave my phone and stick to beer. First night out was full of fear. Tomorrow night - fear will be there too. But I know better what to expect from myself and I'm not gonna give up and sit home alone over-analyzing. 

Baby steps.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

No.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm scared too but still hopeful...There are 7 billion people in the world and I only want one who I can share my life with.

My divorce is eye-opening. I'm beginning to see who I really am and what he was really like. I need to accept certain things, improve others and start putting things in place for what I want.

Eventually, I want to marry again and have children. It's not going to happen unless I put in the work. I don't want to be on my deathbed regretting my life, I want to know that I gave it my all whether it pays off or not.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> It's important for us to acknowledge these fears. You can't overcome your fears if you can't name them. One of the important steps in rebuilding.
> 
> But it is more important what we do with these fears. Acknowledge them. Accept them. And work through them.
> 
> ...




Each time should get alittle easier,,,,, Right


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> you know i knew my wife was coming , i knew for 8mths . l even rushed out things i wanted to do before i got tied down again , i started organizing stuff to , preparing, and then suddenly , there she was , right on Que ! i can't explain it but i did know and i was at peace inside because i knew she was on her way.
> 
> but i feel nothing now , no one , i can't feel or imagine one damn thing. that's really scaring me !


Maybe you came together because you were open to it.

Maybe you won't recognise a potential partner in the future because you have lost hope (for now!).


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Terrified. Went out to eat by myself again tonight. Surrounded by others who are coupled or more. I don't want to be alone and miss the physical contact. I've never been through this and I feel as though I'm doomed and no one will ever discover me. I'm tired of wondering about what he's doing or who's 'he' with. I want to be pre occupied with someone and be in love again. Nurtured and I don't see it. I don't have a circle of friends. A couple of my gf keep telling me to go on these dating sites. Really? I'm so old school I don't know about that. I know I don't want a guy with kids. I'm just so done with that. I have a 21 yr old son and a 27yr old daughter. My stbxh has twins 10yrolds boy/girl and a 13yr old son...so 3kids...yea...I'd prefer no more 'step kids'...just done. I can't/wouldn't/don't want/ew anymore kids either...so no. 

Yep scared. As I said I'm afraid I won't be noticed or stand out...I'm going to be 47 in feb. 'old much'? ...lol I get compliments on how I look young for my age blah blah blah...but that doesn't make me feel any better...(yes my pics are current...lol) 
I just don't know how to 'get out there'...not sure about these 'dating sites'...although it's not like I haven't tossed it around a bit... 
tired of being lonely...i'm very lonely...


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> i can't wait to come back later - when i finish mowing and painting = i must do that stuff to take my mind of things or i'll go mad.
> what i really feel like doing is sinking into a corner and righting myself off with the scotch i got for xmas- hu, from my ex . how ironic !
> 
> but this is a huge thing for me to .
> ...


My relationship with my wife was EXACTLY as you described, it actually made a knot in my stomach reading it...
Everything was so different, we'd go to WalMart and see these couples our age just walking no smile nothing while we would mess around the whole time laughing and smiling all through the store.
My other things were very unique about our life, much of which is for my mind and my thoughts and memories only .
She was so different than other woman a special different, there was never a dull moment you can put us in a room with nothing and we'd find a way to make it the best time in the world.

My wife and I also had the talk about finding someone like us and I told her she would never find anyone like me in the world and she smiled and said I know and that I'd never find anyone like her and I knew it was true.
We agree we'll never find someone like one another and the people we were together made one another happy so many more times than we did make each other sad or mad so how can two people agree they wont find someone to make them so happy again yet not come to the conclusion that it is meant to me? That the two have the best of both worlds? The two have what so many other people in the world would kill for to have such a relationship and connection?

I just lose myself thinking about it and it blows me away...

Gawd I miss that woman so much...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Terrified. Went out to eat by myself again tonight. Surrounded by others who are coupled or more. I don't want to be alone and miss the physical contact. I've never been through this and I feel as though I'm doomed and no one will ever discover me. I'm tired of wondering about what he's doing or who's 'he' with. I want to be *pre occupied with someone* and be in love again. Nurtured and I don't see it. I don't have a circle of friends. A couple of my gf keep telling me to go on these *dating sites*. Really? I'm so old school I don't know about that. I know I don't want a guy with kids. I'm just so done with that. I have a 21 yr old son and a 27yr old daughter. My stbxh has twins 10yrolds boy/girl and a 13yr old son...so 3kids...yea...I'd prefer no more 'step kids'...just done. I can't/wouldn't/don't want/ew anymore kids either...so no.
> 
> Yep scared. As I said I'm afraid *I won't be noticed or stand out*...I'm going to be 47 in feb. 'old much'? ...lol I get compliments on how I look young for my age blah blah blah...but that doesn't make me feel any better...(yes my pics are current...lol)
> *I just don't know how to 'get out there'*...not sure about these 'dating sites'...although it's not like I haven't tossed it around a bit...
> *tired of being lonely...i'm very lonely*...


Stella.

Dear.

Finding 'someone to occupy your time' is only suppressing and delaying the inevitable.

You do not want to deal with anything.

Simply run and hide from it.

Each time the sheets get pulled off you when you try to cover your head.

It's only going to get colder and colder.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Each time should get alittle easier,,,,, Right


I was about to say "hopefully", but that's the wrong answer. 

Each time I will make sure to do something different to make it easier and more fun.

So YES. Each time will be better!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> No.


Easy for you to say.


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

Nope, but I used to be.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Easy for you to say.


I was on my way previous to running into HK.

Yet.

It was this very fact that created the opportunity I was afforded.

There are also challenges and issues ahead that will come up.

Need to be dealt with.

Be it with her.

My ex.

My kids.

My job.

Too much to stress out about.

If you let it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am so glad that I am not anywhere near ready to put myself out there.. I feel if it will happen it will happen when I least expect it...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I have plans to go work in Mongolia or wherever when my youngest is out of high school, maybe before. So no, I am looking forward to the future. My present is always a bit of preparation with a view towards fulfilling my long term dreams/visions.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Terrified. Went out to eat by myself again tonight. Surrounded by others who are coupled or more. I don't want to be alone and miss the physical contact. I've never been through this and I feel as though I'm doomed and no one will ever discover me. I'm tired of wondering about what he's doing or who's 'he' with. I want to be pre occupied with someone and be in love again. Nurtured and I don't see it. I don't have a circle of friends. A couple of my gf keep telling me to go on these dating sites. Really? I'm so old school I don't know about that. I know I don't want a guy with kids. I'm just so done with that. I have a 21 yr old son and a 27yr old daughter. My stbxh has twins 10yrolds boy/girl and a 13yr old son...so 3kids...yea...I'd prefer no more 'step kids'...just done. I can't/wouldn't/don't want/ew anymore kids either...so no.
> 
> Yep scared. As I said I'm afraid I won't be noticed or stand out...I'm going to be 47 in feb. 'old much'? ...lol I get compliments on how I look young for my age blah blah blah...but that doesn't make me feel any better...(yes my pics are current...lol)
> I just don't know how to 'get out there'...not sure about these 'dating sites'...although it's not like I haven't tossed it around a bit...
> tired of being lonely...i'm very lonely...




decided to zap this one , don't wanna creep anyone out or anything !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

StephenG said:


> My relationship with my wife was EXACTLY as you described, it actually made a knot in my stomach reading it...
> Everything was so different, we'd go to WalMart and see these couples our age just walking no smile nothing while we would mess around the whole time laughing and smiling all through the store.
> My other things were very unique about our life, much of which is for my mind and my thoughts and memories only .
> She was so different than other woman a special different, there was never a dull moment you can put us in a room with nothing and we'd find a way to make it the best time in the world.
> ...



yep you know for sure .
i even said to her before she fd off , i really don't know what the fk you think your doing , you can't replace us it;s not doable , this sort of stuffs a one off - for anyone.
hu , again she agreed ! go figure.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

zillard said:


> I was about to say "hopefully", but that's the wrong answer.
> 
> Each time I will make sure to do something different to make it easier and more fun.
> 
> So YES. Each time will be better!


don't worry z my friend , just even doing it again alone will improve it for ya. good times there i'm sure of it mate.

i'm thinking of trying - stress trying , to get over to this place near me . great pub. play some pool , i use to play a lot and really enjoy it.
they get a great crowd there , live music , joint really goes.

do you know though , l've never , ever , been out to a pub alone. don't even know how i'm gonna get through that door to be honest.
but i think i'll enjoy it if i do so i'm gonna brave up one of these nights.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I am scared.

Scared of holding on any longer.
Scared of letting go and her never coming back.
Scared that I don't know who I am as an individual anymore.
Scared that it was never real, just two people needing each other for a while.
Scared that I will be alone forever now that I can't be with the one person I want to be with.
Scared I am not strong enough to get through this and letting my kids down.

Yeah, I'd say scared just about sums things up.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Ostera said:


> This is the perfect post for me right now. I'm 50, getting ready to experience my 3rd divorce.. My stbxw turned out to be a serial cheater. Screwed me financially, etc
> 
> This year has been terrible. I lost my house in March. Moved into an apartement. Trying to fix our marriag at the same time. She moved out while I was at work on Sept 21 and I have never seen her again. She blocked my cell phone, won't answer her work phone and won't respond to my emails except to tell me she will file for the D in January.
> 
> ...


sorry to hear that oz , been rough hey.
i thought i was going to leave and lose the house to. luckily though it still needs too much work for her so she left . i work from home to and it'd be hard to rent something i could've worked from and we need my earnings bad so at least i got somem . we only bought it 14mths earlier to after trying for 5 yrs - they have great timing :scratchhead:

but i lost both my mum and dad just last yr and now this yr my family , so it's been a beauty my end to mate , i know some of how you feel.
ha , my new famalies our little dog to , don't even like the mut but it's something to come home to i guess.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

confused777 said:


> Maybe you came together because you were open to it.
> 
> Maybe you won't recognise a potential partner in the future because you have lost hope (for now!).



yeah maybe , i just can't tell or figure it out but it;s a worry.

one thought i've had is maybe there won't be anyone else , maybe we get back , that doesn't look likely though so it's probably not it. 
or even as you say, just too closed right now, too fkd up. it's very strange for me though , worrying but ohwell . can't do much about it i guess , get on with things slowly.
maybe it shows up later on .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

check this out , there's been a revelation , of sorts !

last wk i was over at her place to drop stuff off to my daughter and we ended up sitting around and playing for a few hrs.
meanwhile one of my wifes friends turned up. quite nice . they came out then too , joined in a bit.
yes i know 180's , broke it again but this was my first time ever staying there, i'm usually in and out . it still fg hurts. it turned out a sort of experiment for me , there, and my daughter.

me wife tells me just before , her friend's gonna ask me out . reckons she asked her if she'd mind - how's that , in the middle of all this all this anxiety , fear , this thread and the depression , and from of all people .
she's nice to and probably 15yrs younger than me . hu what a surprise. 
what the hell do i say though , i don't wanna go out with my wifes friend and what right now . and hey it could be a set up , an implant !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

K.C. said:


> I am scared.
> 
> Scared of holding on any longer.
> Scared of letting go and her never coming back.
> ...



sorry kc , it's fg rough stuff mate we all know it hey. 
hard, painful like nothing else . but i agree with z , i think it's good to allow ourselves to admit that , healthier than pretending.

i was so scared for my daughter to , maybe i couldn't make it. but we can kc , we will - Up will kick your butt for ya don't worry


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah I am having bad days (yesterday was one) but some ok ones too now. Accepting what is happening was due to my actions and inactions was the first step. Admitting I am as scared of the future as sorry for the past feels like another step forward.

Just need to find a way to punch through and not let the remorse and fear swamp me.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

No, not scared at all - excited that I'm now free to explore the endless possibilities out there. No longer trapped with someone I just wasn't myself with. It's funny how the daily grind doesn't seem so difficult when it's just me choosing what I want to do with my life. 

I can't wait for the new year - my first year single since my early 20s, I'm practically bouncing round my house. Yes I've got more debt - but I also haven't got someone draining the money and life out of me. That soul sucker has GONE and it's just me and my baby against the world

I understand why people are scared, really I do. But it's not how I feel.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

No he left me
But as my dear mother said 'he made a hole in the fence and you jumped through it' 

I know that's not the case for everyone - yes I was blindsided and yes I tried to get him to change his mind for a couple of weeks. And I thought 'screw you' - I'm not anyone's second choice or plan b yo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Ok that was in response to something that has now disappeared ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> No, not scared at all - excited that I'm now free to explore the endless possibilities out there. No longer trapped with someone I just wasn't myself with. It's funny how the daily grind doesn't seem so difficult when it's just me choosing what I want to do with my life.
> 
> I can't wait for the new year - my first year single since my early 20s, I'm practically bouncing round my house. Yes I've got more debt - but I also haven't got someone draining the money and life out of me. That soul sucker has GONE and it's just me and my baby against the world
> 
> I understand why people are scared, really I do. But it's not how I feel.


soul sucker - can i frame that one , nice !

but no wonder i guess , bad relationships and sole suckers are so bad for you aren't they .


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Yes but you don't realise that's what they're doing until the scales fall from your eyes and you're all like 'what was I THINKING'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Ditto this whole thread.
I went out the other night and all i could see was all these couples in love and it made me feel even lonelier. Then I see all the single women and I'm too terrified to approach any of them.
I feel like no one would ever want me and im not sure i can even do this anymore. I feel paralyzed to act and terrified of what to say and do if I did. Going out the other night made everything worse for me. I didn't have a good time. Sure I drank and laughed at people's jokes and acted like I was having fun, but I was miserable. And seeing all those women made me realize I just don't have it in me anymore to hit on them and pick them up, or even start a conversation.

At home things I use to enjoy doing hold no joy for me anymore.
I'm left just thinking about my ex and asking myself the same questions over and over.
Im too old to start over again. I'm bored, lonely, and depressed. I need someone to hold me. Someone to talk to, someone to laugh with and do things with.
I know I should become happy by myself first, I'm just not capable of it. Everyday brings the same loneliness when I awake and all the things I do to keep busy don't heal my broken heart or make me feel whole again. Not sure how long I can keep all this up. Nothing I do brings me any joy and just getting by each day seems like a ever insurmountable hill to climb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> And I thought 'screw you' - I'm not anyone's second choice or plan b yo!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn right!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> No, not scared at all - excited that I'm now free to explore the endless possibilities out there. No longer trapped with someone I just wasn't myself with. It's funny how the daily grind doesn't seem so difficult when it's just me choosing what I want to do with my life.
> 
> I can't wait for the new year - my first year single since my early 20s, I'm practically bouncing round my house. Yes I've got more debt - but I also haven't got someone draining the money and life out of me. That soul sucker has GONE and it's just me and my baby against the world
> 
> I understand why people are scared, really I do. But it's not how I feel.


I couldn't agree, more.

This is precisely how I feel.

No more walking on egg shells. No more money transfers to cover bills that can barely be paid. No more lonely nights, wondering what (or who) my husband is doing. No more blaming myself for problems initiated by a selfish POS.

For the first time, in years, I'm free to talk to my family when I want or have a wine night with the girls, at my leisure. I can make the dinner I want, and clean the kitchen when I get ready. 

My house is no longer inundated with multiple man-children, playing video games, while I cater to their every need. In fact, it's not inundated with ANYONE. If I wanna walk around the house in my birthday suit, that's what I'm at liberty to do, and it. is. great.

The *best* part of the future is, because of my past, I know what I am, and am not, okay with. I have boundaries. I refuse to, ever again, sacrifice my own self-worth for someone else - particularly someone who doesn't give a damn about me.

I have never been more excited about the future.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

K.C. said:


> I am scared.
> 
> Scared of holding on any longer.
> Scared of letting go and her never coming back.
> ...



You took the words right out of my mouth!

Most of all I miss listening to my country music, every song has a memory and it hurts to hear them!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> You took the words right out of my mouth!
> 
> *Most of all I miss listening to my country music, every song has a memory and it hurts to hear them!!!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I once spent an entire weekend listening to albums and songs that made me cry a river.

On purpose.

Sure helped.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dammit, Up, you gotta stop posting what I'm in the middle of typing!

I'm like that, too, Lee. Tons and tons of things now have memories of STBXH attached to them: obviously gifts from him, memories of places we went together, favorite meals of his that I used to make for him, but definitely songs, and even a few movies. 

It's like the therapy for someone who has a phobia: exposure.

Make yourself face those things, and feel those emotions. They're not permanent, they won't kill you. Sure it hurts like hell. Maybe even the first few dozen times you hear those songs. But after a while, when you focus on liking the song again, instead of on the memory attached, you'll be able to take back those things that are yours. That's the way I look at it: He's taken enough.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I couldn't agree, more.
> 
> This is precisely how I feel.
> 
> ...


I approve.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> *Dammit, Up, you gotta stop posting what I'm in the middle of typing!*
> 
> I'm like that, too, Lee. Tons and tons of things now have memories of STBXH attached to them: obviously gifts from him, memories of places we went together, favorite meals of his that I used to make for him, but definitely songs, and even a few movies.
> 
> ...


Sorry.

These fingers go at pace not set by myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm wondering about two things.. How a person's age and length of time since breakup affect they way they feel about this.

The older a person is I'd think the harder it would be to find someone. This is especially true for women I would think.

There is also a time after breaking up when a person is just not ready to move on and all seems bleak. Then a point is reached when most are ready to try again.

For me... I'm not sure if I ever want to try a relationship again. Don't trust my own ability to pick a man. Plus I'm at that age where it will be very hard to find anyone.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I do think that's true, Ele. Demographics are not on our side, you and I. And the fact that I have a young son doesn't help, either. These are the kinds of things I refer to in my post when I said there are things I don't have control over. 

But I wouldn't trade him for anything. 

I think sometimes it's easier to focus on what we miss out on (companionship, intimacy, someone to make future plans with), than for some of us to realize and/or remember what things were really like, and how much time we spent being miserable, or walking on eggshells. That realization makes being alone not quite so bad of a deal.

Not where I want to be forever, certainly. 

But I've learned a lot about myself through all this. I really like my independence. REALLY like it, even in spite of wishing I had a connection with someone. I don't see myself wanting to merge lives with someone a la marriage or cohabitation. But we're lucky to live in an age where there are a lot of options open to us all. 

I have a few friends who have SOs. Both partners live in their own places, haven't combined finances, etc. They are extremely happy with the arrangement.

I'm keeping all of these bits of information in my mind, and just living my life.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> don't worry z my friend , just even doing it again alone will improve it for ya. good times there i'm sure of it mate.
> 
> i'm thinking of trying - stress trying , to get over to this place near me . great pub. play some pool , i use to play a lot and really enjoy it.
> they get a great crowd there , live music , joint really goes.
> ...


I've always been the type that is just fine going to the movies, hiking, camping, etc all by myself. Doesn't bother me. I often enjoy solitude. 

Pub scene is a bit different, more apprehensive without a wingman, but I've been down to the corner pub a few times alone now - just to grab a burger and a coke and practice striking up conversation with a stranger. First night met a guy with an earily similar story as mine (he brought up first). His X moved out weeks before mine. We'll probably bump heads again. Next had a pretty good conversation with the cute little bartender. That was nice. 

The clubs though I don't hit alone - I go with a friend. Well, once so far. More fun tonight!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Ditto this whole thread.
> I went out the other night and all i could see was all these couples in love and it made me feel even lonelier. Then I see all the single women and I'm too terrified to approach any of them.
> I feel like no one would ever want me and im not sure i can even do this anymore. I feel paralyzed to act and terrified of what to say and do if I did. Going out the other night made everything worse for me. I didn't have a good time. Sure I drank and laughed at people's jokes and acted like I was having fun, but I was miserable. And seeing all those women made me realize I just don't have it in me anymore to hit on them and pick them up, or even start a conversation.
> 
> ...



hi ya nowhere , sorry to hear that , hu , pretty well sums up my feelings to though i'm sorry to admit .
you know this place is such a huge help but it's such a crime that people in the same position can't very often hook up up as they'll probably be 1000's of mile away . it'd just be nce to be around somebody going through the same you know , be there for each other .
yeah the thought of starting over makes me puke to be honest - there i've admitted that too .
youknow when i met my wife as i say i knew she was coming but i'd also decided way earlier to that if i was gonna hook up again i'd want someone totally opposite to my ex gf - no crazy's . easy goen , chilled, lay back , no hangups .
i got really really lucky and found that but , here we are now , 18yrs later . heartbroken and with a busted up family , all sorts of financial problems . 
i've got absolutely no clue who to ever trust again or where to go from here now because of it , let alone approaching or starting over.
i use to be lucky in love , think that ones left the building now though.

i try to with all my daily stuff, work , going on with fixing up my ran down property . but that was our project yet now it's empty and l'm going on with it alone .
i had my girl and a few of her mates for a wk here last week , we had a ball so at least that was something . it was so nice to have lots of life around the place again but now , they've all gone home and it's empty again. really sad .
the olny advantage i can come up with about the way my life has turned out is that although i love this property and the house , i absolutely hate the spot .
well my wife said she'd never move again - 18mths later though what's she gone and done - moved again alright out of our fg house.

so , now , at least i don't have to stay here forever , i hope to finish it of - alone , make some money at least and move from the spot.
hard to find much joy in doing it up now though , it was for our family but now it's just like - ahwell there's another job done whenever i do fish something . it's so weird , she's all over the place in thing's she did before so now it's like - nothing !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

zillard said:


> I've always been the type that is just fine going to the movies, hiking, camping, etc all by myself. Doesn't bother me. I often enjoy solitude.
> 
> Pub scene is a bit different, more apprehensive without a wingman, but I've been down to the corner pub a few times alone now - just to grab a burger and a coke and practice striking up conversation with a stranger. First night met a guy with an earily similar story as mine (he brought up first). His X moved out weeks before mine. We'll probably bump heads again. Next had a pretty good conversation with the cute little bartender. That was nice.
> 
> The clubs though I don't hit alone - I go with a friend. Well, once so far. More fun tonight!



yeah right , me too actually. you know one of the things that hurt my wife was that she felt i didn't need her around , i needed so much space and time alone . she just needed much much more togetherness than i did and she'd been really really lonely and depressed .
but she did get that partly wrong , we'd just had a lot of hassles and over this last yr or two i did need more than usual but it was only temporary. 
don't fg ask me how moving out and into a rental alone and starting over is better though , she could be alone forever now . f'g stupid i reckon.
but i do also love , stress love , company , but i just have to be in the mood and it's just not as much as most people that's all .
but hey that's encouraging thanks z , i'm really glad it came up . when i've got some extra dosh l'll have to give it a go i think .

hey , look at it this way , at least we won't have to worry about pissing our women off somehow - tends to happen a bit when you go out together . all those stay girls , dunno it seems to make things happen.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm wondering about two things.. How a person's age and length of time since breakup affect they way they feel about this.
> 
> The older a person is I'd think the harder it would be to find someone. This is especially true for women I would think.
> 
> ...


yea i know what your saying ele , i worry about all that and how the hell do i even pick someone right now assuming i have a choice after the way this has turned out now anyway ! 
i use to have great judgment in girls but that's obviously just turned out bs after all this .

i feel disheartened in love because although we went belly up and i was a very big part responsible for that , i did still love her.and she me big time to right through until just recently. 
but the thing is i use to really really love her and although i messed up plenty even then , i also tried very hard right through to .
so it's like if this is where all that gets me , i don't think i could do much more !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> Yes but you don't realise that's what they're doing until the scales fall from your eyes and you're all like 'what was I THINKING'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



yea , i do know what u mean but you know it can also happen in so many other ways to.
like the work you even put into buying a home together and setting it up , your mindset because you now have a family home - until this !

or even if you've both been doing well together mostly over the yrs , you still put soooo much into each other you know . you compromise so many things , you often live totally different or even in a totally different area too like i did .
you know what i mean , even when the goings good and with the best intentions all round , i don't think people realize just how much they put into being together so when it's gone it's taken so much.
i often use to think , jesus you know , why do people even actually wanna get married anyway , ad a few kids and it's a hard life really and never your own .

i'll say one thing about being alone , life's so much fg simpler , well mostly anyway.
lonely but a hell of a lot simpler . eat what you want when you want , sleep where you want , watch what you want , see who you want and fk those you don't for once , stay up all night and sleep till you want . no explaining , no guilt trips , no bending over backwards , no trying your ass off to accommodate anyone - it's not all bad so at least that's something


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Satya said:


> My worst fear came true so I more or less fear nothing anymore. If you live in fear you close yourself off to possibility and that's not how I will end up being in another relationship again. If the universe says it's not meant to be, regardless of the effort I put in, so be it. I am happy with myself, I have let go of the greatest things I worked hard for and then lost. It taught me these things weren't mine to begin with and that enjoying them when they are in our lives is what life is about.
> 
> We only get a finite amount of time here. Filling it with doubt and worry is not what I intend to do. Then if I get hit by a bus or something I'll have no regrets of how I've lived.


good for you satya.

but you know what , my worst fear came true too.
we moved here nearly 6yrs ago but from day one after that , it looked like trouble . l would have kept moving and left .
but she wouldn't budge . so for 5yrs we fought , to get new work , finances sorted out and eventually a house of our own.
it was the toughest fight i've ever had but we did it in the end . 
i never saw anyone though either or did anything much at all right through because there just wasn't enough money for all of us so that her and my daughter could go to the pictures or out , or do some fun things with friends or she could go out to tea with a friend.

and often through all that and i even warned her about this , i'd think jesus this is taking so much out of us we'll be lucky to survive it as a couple and it became a real fear , my worst . and to top it all off , i didn't even wanna stay here but i went through it all for her and fort on .
we finally get work , our new place , she gets her dream job , our finances would have all been sorted in another 12 mths and we'd be sitting pretty - but 15mths after moving into our new place finally , stability for my daughte and a home for her to grow up in now after 7moves in her 9 yrs at the time , she breaks our family apart .
and guess what , the new crowd at this new dream job of hers were the very people that f'd with her head and somehow got us separated .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Satya said:


> I sorry for your situation whitehawk, my story is also rife with ways I exhausted and drained myself to do what was "right" for the other person. It made me a mere shell after it all. I so sympathize.
> 
> I felt denied the ability to have children when i wanted (ex and I had both agreed when we felt ready so it wasn't just me seeking to be a mom) and now I'm on the "fighting the clock" bandwagon, the one where you need to convince guys you aren't just wanting them for sperm or money/security. Why should I feel like I have to walk on eggshells about it? I can't control biology (rhetorical question). Surely there are men out there my age who are excited at the thought of having children with a loving woman? I know they exist, but most guys I have tried to get to know have said they just want fun, or are done, or don't want any, or are to immature to be serious about it. I could be a negative nelly about it, but you draw in what you feel, I believe. If I think to myself, "these men don't exist" then I will not be allowing for the possibility that they do and I will never find one.
> 
> ...



nahh , it's not that at all sat . l know personally alone 2 or 3 guys that still have hopes of having a family and finding a women like you - and l know no one !
my older sister to actually , met her hubby i think he was round mid 50 , grown family of his own but he was happy to have another child and they have a gorgeous girl now .
dunno this guy much as i was interstate and also have 5 more sisters but hey he looks over the moon with his new family.
so there ya go donlt worry hey they're out there , not everyone but some.
yea just spend a bit of time with someone special for awhile first though or they'll prolly run a mile too soon.
it'll just come up naturally of it's own don't worry , ahh , the baby topic that is


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

hu , funny too i've thought about that one too. not that i'm out there again just yet.
but i have thought that a lot of girls late 30s into 40s out there these days that haven 't had kids yet myself so if i got hooked up again and she wanted 1 or 2 i reckon i'd go there again.
my daughters 11 now but now this has happened . sorta always wished we had a few more and l'm sad to she's growing up so fast , especially now.

i oftenm wondered about the effort marriage took but never ever my daughter.


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