# Gave my husband an ultimatum



## thatonegirl (Sep 15, 2013)

I've only been married a few months, been together for about 3 years. We have a toddler. My husband was supposed to enroll in school this semester but never put any effort into it and by the time that I got involved it was too late. So now he's going to go next semester and I've told him that if he isn't in school when the semester starts, I'm gone. The problem is that this attitude of doing nothing, expecting everything has gone on since the beginning. And after talking to his mom, it's how he's always been. He's gone through countless jobs that only lasted a few weeks to a few months. And the one that lasted longest was one I hated, being a bouncer getting drunk every night. He has no motivation, no drive. He is overweight and HAS to get into shape to go to the program he's going to but has only done one or two workouts that I didn't drag him out of bed for. He doesn't take care of himself half as well as he could (brushing his teeth, the way he eats, sometimes even the way he cleans himself). I feel like I'm taking care of another child. 

He does take care of me in small ways, getting me things I need when I get off from work, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. And he's gotten 100 times better as a father since I went to work and he's been home with her (for these few months that isn't an issue, we have one car and it just works better for him to stay home while I work for right now.) But even there, when I was staying home I had the house clean and dinner ready when he got home. All he does is keep our kid alive and fed. They barely even go outside when I tell him she desperately needs it. I know it's hot as hell here, but he could take her during the parts of the day it's not so bad. 

I've talked until I'm blue in the face. I've always done every job application for him, every school thing for him, dragged him out of the house to get the school things done. I'm tired of it, I don't want to do everything for him anymore.


I guess I'm here to see if anyone thinks I'm in the wrong? Is there anything I should be considering before I do make the decision to leave? Any other advice?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Get an annulment if you've only been married a few months. He's not husband material, he never will be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Annulment before it is too late. People don't change they just grow larger. You made a mistake and you are lucky to catch it early. No job. No motivation. Poor parenting skills. He is not husband material.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Did you marry him thinking it would "fix" him? 
Did you think he would step up to the plate after he had responsibilities? You should have made him step up to the plate _before_ you said "I do."

But that's all said & done. (I don't get the annulment advice,... Can you get an annulment after consumated relationship???)

Tell him he's got to get counseling.. or you're out. And tell him, even if you "make sure" he gets enrolled in school/courses.. It's HIM that has to get himself to class. HIM that has to learn & pass the courses. If he's not going to make the commitment to respect himself with better schooling.... then how does he expect you to respect him?

He's out the door if he can't talk about it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Give it up! YOU'RE more invested in his life than HE is!

YOU are more interested in whether he goes to his workouts than HE is.
YOU are more interested in whether he gets into his college program than HE is.
YOU are more interested in whether he has a job than HE is.

He's like a giant, mooching, unmotivated teenager!

You can't MAKE him care. You can't MAKE him see the value of working out, going to college, getting a job. You can't CARE ENOUGH for him. What's next? You have to do his college work? His tests? Do his JOB for him?

Give it up; it's a losing proposition with a boy who's never grown up. Waiting for him to grow up could be a long, fruitless waste of time. Better to concentrate on securing a decent present/future for yourself and your child.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

thatonegirl said:


> I've only been married a few months, been together for about 3 years. We have a toddler. My husband was supposed to enroll in school this semester but never put any effort into it and by the time that I got involved it was too late. So now he's going to go next semester and I've told him that if he isn't in school when the semester starts, I'm gone. The problem is that this attitude of doing nothing, expecting everything has gone on since the beginning. And after talking to his mom, it's how he's always been. He's gone through countless jobs that only lasted a few weeks to a few months. And the one that lasted longest was one I hated, being a bouncer getting drunk every night. He has no motivation, no drive. He is overweight and HAS to get into shape to go to the program he's going to but has only done one or two workouts that I didn't drag him out of bed for. He doesn't take care of himself half as well as he could (brushing his teeth, the way he eats, sometimes even the way he cleans himself). I feel like I'm taking care of another child.
> 
> He does take care of me in small ways, getting me things I need when I get off from work, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. And he's gotten 100 times better as a father since I went to work and he's been home with her (for these few months that isn't an issue, we have one car and it just works better for him to stay home while I work for right now.) But even there, when I was staying home I had the house clean and dinner ready when he got home. All he does is keep our kid alive and fed. They barely even go outside when I tell him she desperately needs it. I know it's hot as hell here, but he could take her during the parts of the day it's not so bad.
> 
> ...


First of all STOP being his Mom


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He will not grow up until he's on his own and he's worried about where his next meal is coming from. Some people need that kind of motivation.

Get an annulment/divorce and move on with your life.


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## thatonegirl (Sep 15, 2013)

I also had the realization this morning that even if he gets into school, this is a personalty trait that I can't handle. It's not going to change just because he got into school. I was planning on giving him until January but now I'm on my own schedule. As soon as I can afford to get another apartment and move. Going to talk to some family tomorrow to get some support. 

Thanks for letting me know I was right and not just over reacting. 
I do feel like his mom and that's what I hate.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

So you gave him the ultimatum yesterday, but now are asking us (on the new thread) if you should pre-pay a month of rent for him as a courtesy or just move out while he is out one day?

It seems like you are moving awfully quickly, and without giving him a chance to process everything. This all seems pretty heartless. You gave him an ultimatum that said he has until the start of next semester to get his act together, which seems reasonable. Now you've just changed your mind about a day later? How did he respond to your ultimatum? Why not give him a chance until the start of the next semester?


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## thatonegirl (Sep 15, 2013)

No I told him that about two months ago and hes done absolutely nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When does the new semester start? Maybe he thinks he has until then to just do nothing.

If you want to leave him, then leave him. Don't torture the two of you.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Well if you told him two months ago that he needs to get into school this semester or you are walking out, then I guess he has had his direct and fair warning. Because that is what he needs. He needs to hear that yes, the situation is THAT dire, that yes, if he does not do A, B and C, then the marriage is OVER. It seems like a lot of women have trouble with direct "A+B=C" communication, and since that is what we guy's understand, we often won't have any clue that the she is at the end of her rope until the moving van is in the driveway.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Be prepared for him to turn over a new leaf as soon as he knows you're actually going to leave.

But really, what were you planning to do when he's in school? Write his paper? Do his homework? Why did you marry him, knowing what he was like? I'd say you better figure out your ole in selecting and enabling him, unless you want to repeat with the next guy.

C


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