# Found out I'm second choice, TAM please help me



## SecondChoice (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi Everyone, I'm not sure about posting this in CWI but you folks here always give such good advice that I want to give it a try. Husband and I are married for two years ( dated for a year) husband has three kids from a previous marriage and we are expecting our first child together ( I'm 5 months pregnant). For some background info husband is divorced, he was married for 15 years to a real train wreck who cheated on him through out the whole marriage, they had a very toxic marriage, a nasty divorce and a very nasty relationship filled with drama while trying to co parent their kids together, husband is clearly traumatized by everything his ex wife did while they married and we have tried to overcome his issues together and I have been as supportive as I can, I also have a fantastic relationship with my step kids. When I met him he was basically as poor as it gets, he had lost everything he had, was full of debt and still dealing and facing all the financial hardships that a nasty divorce like he had costs.

While dating he cheated two times on me with the same woman and fool that I was ( before I knew TAM existed) I took him back, "we worked it out" and got married. Our marriage is great, we like and enjoy the same things, sex life fantastic, we get along extremely well, any issues we solved them together and with no yelling or conflict, we have never had an argument, if theres such a thing as a perfect marriage I would say I have it or so I thought!

Well about two weeks ago husband left his email open and I found out emails between him and his best friend dating back to the time we first started dating where he states very clearly he didn't love me and is with me because of my financial situation and my money, so he can leave debt, move to a better place and eventually go back to court ( lawyer payed with my money) and get his kids custody. I also found out that during the time we have been married he contacted the woman he cheated on me with twice, although in the emails he tells her he cannot see her because he wants to remain faithful to me, he tells her she is the one he loves and wants and is with me and married to me because he needs to be practical and do whats best for him financially. Theres been no emails to the OW in more than a year now and in recent emails from dating from 6 months ago he tells his best friend he fell deeply in love with me and his happy with his choice and that I'm the perfect wife. I did help him to erase all his debt, moved us to a very nice of area of town and have provided him with a much better lifestyle. I'm devastated by all this and feel our entire relationship and marriage is a lie, I have no confronted him as I'm afraid of his reaction, I'm five months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and feel I'm going through intense emotional and mental shock, I can't even look at him and as I type this I don't think it has fully sinked on my mind what really has happened in my life.

I would really appreciate any advice and insight from you folks, I don't feel in a good place and haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, Im very ashamed I was con in such way.

Thank you everyone for reading.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SecondChoice said:


> Hi Everyone, I'm not sure about posting this in CWI but you folks here always give such good advice that I want to give it a try. Husband and I are married for two years ( dated for a year) husband has three kids from a previous marriage and we are expecting our first child together ( I'm 5 months pregnant). For some background info husband is divorced, he was married for 15 years to a real train wreck who cheated on him through out the whole marriage, they had a very toxic marriage, a nasty divorce and a very nasty relationship filled with drama while trying to co parent their kids together, husband is clearly traumatized by everything his ex wife did while they married and we have tried to overcome his issues together and I have been as supportive as I can, I also have a fantastic relationship with my step kids. When I met him he was basically as poor as it gets, he had lost everything he had, was full of debt and still dealing and facing all the financial hardships that a nasty divorce like he had costs.
> 
> While dating he cheated two times on me with the same woman and fool that I was ( before I knew TAM existed) I took him back, "we worked it out" and got married. Our marriage is great, we like and enjoy the same things, sex life fantastic, we get along extremely well, any issues we solved them together and with no yelling or conflict, we have never had an argument, if theres such a thing as a perfect marriage I would say I have it or so I thought!
> 
> ...



Since he wrote those emails and had the two time affair in the past, and now recently you've read he is in love with you and happy, I would leave it at that. Initially he married you for money but over time, he realized he does really love you and is very happy. Let the past be the past I say. Wish you the best.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm very sorry you're having to go through with this. 

If you're considering staying with your husband, that is a personal decision that only you can make. But I have to tell you, that if I read something like that from my wife, I could not get past it. I wouldn't want to live more years of my life with someone who didn't love me and married me for security - even if they subsequently professed a change of heart. Also I would think the likelihood of him cheating again would be very high since he's been back in touch with the OW. You have to deserve better than that.

But even if I decided to leave him, I'd be very tempted to wait to confront him, until whatever time suits you best - given your pregnancy. If you need him around just to help you through that; who could blame you for using him - just like he used you.

I said tempted. You need to think long and hard about your best potential exit plan.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is not a good feeling to be second choice.

So he loves you know, but you are hurt.

I do not think you will be able to keep this inside.

Could you take him to MC and discuss this with him there? 

You should get him to go NC with the OW. 

With your pregnancy, has he been tested for stds, or have you for the baby's sake?

I hope you find a counselor to help you with this hurt. It will eat at you. That much I know.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You forgot the most important part of the story....

What do you want?


----------



## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

The first step I would say is to forgive him and you don't need to tell him that you do to be able to do that. Unforgiveness eats away at you on the inside. You also need to be healed of the initial finding out once you are you will be able to move forward in what seems to be a pretty good marriage. He loves you now and you know you love him forgive him, it doesn't mean you will forget what has happened but you wont be walking around with this on you during a pregnancy.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You sound pretty calm in your post given your circumstances. 

Sometimes I wonder if we can believe anything a cheater says. Perhaps that was the reason he gave her as his excuse for not leaving, his reason for having his cake and eating it too. Because at the time, what else could he have said? You didn't have kids at the time, and you had only gotten together recently. 

Most times, WS's give the "she doesn't appreciate me, is boring, is mean and controlling excuse". The BS's know that's all crap. Your H's excuse is much more disturbing and you should give serious consideration to who this man really is.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Since he wrote those emails and had the two time affair in the past, and now recently you've read he is in love with you and happy, I would leave it at that. Initially he married you for money but over time, he realized he does really love you and is very happy. Let the past be the past I say. Wish you the best.


I agree that since the "bad stuff" was before the "good stuff" that it could be worse. Another theory is that he said those things to save face to his friend. It's possible his friend didn't approve of your relationship at first, and this was something your H said to appease him. 

If I were you, I would confess that I saw these emails. However I wouldn't "be done". I would ask him something like, "Is is true you married me only for my money? I thought we were having a great marriage? This is so hurtful." And let him respond. I think then you'll have more information and be able to make a more informed decision about where to go from here.

On the outside, it seems he either is talking smack to his friend to save face, or he really did enter the relationship at first because it was financially convenient and then really grew attached to you and loved you for you.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Why is it a high risk pregnancy? What does that mean?


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

FACT #1: If you were a guy saying he just found out his wife cheated on him before marriage and was only using him for money, these people would NOT be telling you to let the past be past and forgive. They would tell you throw the golddigger's crap in the yard and divorce her, leaving her as destitute as possible. 

FACT #2: Your husband conned you. He cheated on you. He used you. 

FACT#3: You can no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth. If that OW came around and said lets hook up, he would do it in a heartbeat. You should leave this man and not look back. He is NOT a good man.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yep. Second best. Been there. Didn't like it very much, either.

However, really, we are not second best *we are the best*.:smthumbup:

Couple's counselling might help?

Best wishes for your pregnancy, by the way.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Do you have the feeling that he is being sincere? Have his actions proved that he, indeed, loves you? Is it just possible that he's figured out you're reading his e-mails and is just writing these to throw you off the track to make you *think* that he wants only you. Please excuse the question. Suspicion is a part of my nature. I want you to be happy, and if he's shown you that you are the love of his life, then by all means try and make it work with him.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Lisab, I love the saying at the bottom of your entry. That's just about the truest thing I've ever heard. Too man marrieds find out that they have, indeed, thrown away a "diamond." :slap:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I didn't understand exactly how he changed his feelings. He loves you more now or he loved you more earlier?


----------



## SecondChoice (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi Everyone, thank you so much to all of you who took the time to read about my situation and post your advice and insight, I will try to answer all your questions. 

I do not know what I want, I go from wanting to leave not looking back and leave him destitute ( what will happen if I leave) to think that maybe somehow there's a way around this, I never thought I would raise my child in a broken home, he is also a fantastic father, the father I always dreamed for my children but I do not know how can I live knowing this, you can't unlearn the truth and I feel my entire marriage was and is a lie.

It is also clear from all the emails that at some point he did plan to keep the affair going with the OW had I not found out about her and who she is, at some point while we were dating I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and he broke things off claiming he couldn't deal with a pregnancy, well the timeline shows me now he was with her and trying to sort out who was the best choice, he was also determined that we would never have kids, now I know is because again he had planned once he would get from me what he wanted he would leave me for her.

I do believe his feelings did change as there were definitely a switch in the relationship and I do believe now his love is genuine but I can't overcome the fact that I could be living my entire life with someone who would never love me, I cannot also overcome the mindset, I don't know who this person is, I'm afraid of what he is capable of now that I know this.

He would never accept go to counseling, I tried to get him to go because of the marriage he had and all his issues from it and he refuses, I have been going to IC myself as a way to learn how to help him and my step kids deal with all the drama of co parenting with his ex wife.

I don't know what to do, I'm also devastated for my step kids, the only stability and sense of family they have is when they are here with us, they lean on me in so many ways as I'm the only female figure they have as a good example in their lives, I cannot imagine lose them and let them down.

I saved all the emails and keep reading them over and over again, its being extremely difficult stay in the same house and not say anything, he already figured out something is going on but I'm not sure about confronting, what good will that do???? I'm also afraid of his reaction as although he has never lost his temper with me, he looses his temper very quick and doesn't accept to be confronted about things.

Thank you for listening, I feel more than anything else I just needed to vent.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He can still be a good dad and you can still be in your step-kids lives even if you leave. 

You have read the truth. He has conned you in such a horrible way. You have all the power here. Don't for a minute think you don't. If you are afraid, then have someone with you when you confront. But you can't just do nothing and go about life. Your mind and your heart will never let you.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The more you write about your husband, the more it appears he is a douche bag, a liar, and a con artist.

Can you really live the rest of your life with a man that told friends that he only married you to get out of debt; and is a cheater? Can you believe anything he tells you or tells his friends?

I understand you're in a tough situation. Look within yourself for the answer. How much is your self respect worth?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

After reading your second post, it seems you've read things more damning and definitive than you originally let on.

It seems clearer to me that he was deciding between two women, and thought the OW was going to be the winner, and then ended up choosing you instead. What sucks is that he did this in a deceitful way and while you were unaware.

I disagree that confronting would do no good. This will eat you up inside until you come out with it and give him his Come to Jesus moment. It will tear you apart. In fact, it already is. You owe it to YOURSELF, not him, to sit him down and show him what you've seen.


----------



## SecondChoice (Jan 16, 2014)

There is no doubt in my mind that had the OW have money and the resources I do that she would have been the one he would have chosen to be with. The OW is pretty much a train wreck like is ex wife, she is divorced because she cheated on her husband, has had multiple affairs with men either married or in relationships, is buried in debt, not willing to be a wife and did not get along with his kids at all in the brief time they dated ( when he cheated on me with her and was with her for a few weeks). 

You are right that is eating at me, I'm also incredible angry that he thought he could do this, also every single thing that happened in our relationship is now playing in my mind and with the knowledge I have now I can see very clearly every time he manipulated me and every manipulation on his part to get what he wanted from me.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Out of the three years you two have been together you have been number 2 for 2.5 years but for the last 6 months he says you are number one. You think he is a great husband and father except you cannot get over the fact that you were number two for 2.5 years and was only number two because of your money. I you did nothave money would you have been number 3, 4? 
He was very selfish and inconsiderate for most of your relationship.


*You need to do more than just vent you need to take some actions.* The first action I would take is to get your money legally separated. You get your money in your name only or in some legal position so that he can be tested. *He first deceived you for your money now he must lose that money to see if he really means what he says. Talk is so very cheap and actions always tell the turn story.*


The fact that he will not go to counseling tells me that he is not man enough to address what he did. In short he is a coward. *He may have a lot of qualities that you like but he is a damaged person and needs help to get better.*


If he really is a good father then that is something that is very valuable in a marriage. This man maybe can become a good marriage partner but in his current state you are taking a very big gamble by staying with him. He has proven to be a cheat and a coward. 



*I would say that the first test should be for you to separate your money so he will be tested in his love that he claims he has for you. Secondly, I would tell him that the money will not go back to being in a joint account until he completes some counseling WITH positive results for 2.5 years ( the same amount of time that he deceived and was selfish)*


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mr. Blunt just put another thought in my head. 

If for some reason you want to try R, why not insist that he sign a post-nup agreement to prove himself - as a condition.

If he refuses, you've got a pretty good idea of his current mindset.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

These are great ideas. But it's tough to put those ideas into action without her confessing as to WHY all of a sudden she is doing it. She's trying to avoid a confrontation (which I think is the wrong move, but...)


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

SecondChoice, your marriage isn't great because you don't have any. You are just deluding yourself about it. The loser is still with you because he isn't done yet with his grand plan of screwing you out of your money completely or at least as much as he can. The longer you stay with him, the more it is going to cost you in the end. You deserve better than this lowlife husband of yours. 

You need to stand up for yourself and cut your loses. Find yourself a shark divorce attorney, preferably a female, and file for a divorce. If you still have any doubts about doing it, read again the post below. She got it right! 



lisab0105 said:


> You have read the truth. He has conned you in such a horrible way. You have all the power here. Don't for a minute think you don't. If you are afraid, then have someone with you when you confront. But you can't just do nothing and go about life. Your mind and your heart will never let you.


One more thing.... what does it mean that he doesn't accept to be confronted about things? A loser is a loser and he needs to know his place. It's your job to show him where it is.


----------



## too (May 27, 2013)

For the sake of your own mental health (remember mental health issues can have serious physical implications, not a good thing when you're pregnant) you really need to divorce this man. 

He admits in his e-mails to being, for all intents and purposes, a gigolo, with you playing the part of Sugar Mama.

You don't have to play the role of second choice, so don't. Go be the first choice of someone who deserves it.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

SecondChoice said:


> There is no doubt in my mind that had the OW have money and the resources I do that she would have been the one he would have chosen to be with. The OW is pretty much a train wreck like is ex wife, she is divorced because she cheated on her husband, has had multiple affairs with men either married or in relationships, is buried in debt, not willing to be a wife and did not get along with his kids at all in the brief time they dated ( when he cheated on me with her and was with her for a few weeks).
> 
> You are right that is eating at me, I'm also incredible angry that he thought he could do this, also every single thing that happened in our relationship is now playing in my mind and with the knowledge I have now I can see very clearly every time he manipulated me and every manipulation on his part to get what he wanted from me.


I understand your pain. But didn't you write in your original post:



> Theres been no emails to the OW in more than a year now and in recent emails from dating from 6 months ago he tells his best friend he fell deeply in love with me and his happy with his choice and that I'm the perfect wife.


This may, in fact, be true. I know it doesn't erase the hurt, but it leads me to make a suggestion: can you sit down with him and have a calm discussion, at least at the start? Tell him what you know (you don't have to tell him how you know it) and how upset you are. Tell him that you are undecided as to what you want to do. Then ask him what he wants to do.

Try not to get over emotional. And try not to make him too angry. I have no idea how he might answer, but his answer may very well determine what you will do.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

adriana said:


> SecondChoice, your marriage isn't great because you don't have any. You are just deluding yourself about it. The loser is still with you because he isn't done yet with his grand plan of screwing you out of your money completely or at least as much as he can. The longer you stay with him, the more it is going to cost you in the end. You deserve better than this lowlife husband of yours.
> 
> You need to stand up for yourself and cut your loses. Find yourself a shark divorce attorney, preferably a female, and file for a divorce. If you still have any doubts about doing it, read again the post below. She got it right!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

SecondChoice, there are two things you need to do my girl. First get rid of your screen name (secondchoice) and get rid of him. Ask yourself why you want someone who doesn't really want you. There are no second choices in a marriage. You're either first or you're out. You might really dwell on your comments that if you left he'd be destitute. Have you got yourself yoked to a guy that has to live off a woman? It kinda sounds like it. The only "R" you need to consider is the "R" in "Run his azz off."


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

While I agree with changing the screen name I do not agree to running off or leaving the marriage yet.

Stop reading the old emails.

All they are doing is making you angrier. Your unborn child nor you need any more stress added to your pregnancy.

What you should do is make a decision. Confront him now or confront him later?

The confrontation is simple. 
Does he love you or not? 
Are you 2nd choice or not? 
Can you still love him or not?

He obviously needs therapy. There is no way he came come out of his last marriage undamaged. His subsequent Cheating on you and his reasons for choosing you are evidence of that.

And yet, in his defense, he chose you. And it sounds like he loves you.

He wants custody of his children. That is a very good sign as well.

I think he realizes now that in addition to you being financially suitable you are also the best mother for his children.

Now decide when it is best for you to determine that he truly loves you, can be faithful to you and that you still love him enough to forgive him.

Most importantly take care of yourself. You are a prize! Certainly not 2nd choice. 

Now act like it.

HM


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> While I agree with changing the screen name I do not agree to running off or leaving the marriage yet.
> 
> Stop reading the old emails.
> 
> ...


HM, with all do respect, would this be your advice to her if she was guy and he was conned by his wife for his money and screwed around on him?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> HM, with all do respect, would this be your advice to her if she was guy and he was conned by his wife for his money and screwed around on him?


Of course it would.

You must have missed the part where she said she loves him.

People do stupid things in relationships.
People do hurtful things in relationships.

She forgave him when he cheated.

Now that her eyes are open she has some decisions to make.

My advice still stands.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe, since the OW is no prize, SHE is the one on second string and he is just telling her what she needs to hear to keep her there....

He could just be telling everyone what they want to hear. Who knows? What is important is to decide what you want. Dont make any life changing decisions while you are emotionally upset and please, please take care of yourself.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Regardless of which place you are at now, do you want to be with someone who would sell his soul to the devil for cash? Not saying you are the devil but if he married you for money it shows his moral compass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

For me the biggest problem is trust.

If you confront, how will you ever know that what he is professing is actually the truth? Will you have to perennially hack into his e-mail to read his real thoughts?

The boy who cried wolf. This, to me, is your issue.

His calculations were extremely cold & he had no trouble telling his friends and his OW about them. He consciously conned you. People like that can engender mistrust forever. I'm sorry.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I know this wont help your broken heart right now but, sociologically speaking, all marriages used to be for financial and heir producing reasons. Only in very recent modern times have we married for love. But that is neither here nor there at this point.

Did you guys go through a really bad patch where he could have written these things in anger? They are some pretty bad things to say behind your spouses back, either way. Did these types of emails go on for a long time?

Your problem now will be trying to understand what you really want your future to be. Unfortunately, you are married now and your money is joined with his money.

However, if you can prove he married you under false pretenses, I believe its called FRAUD.........I hope you printed out or sent them to your email box because if you DO decide to D, your lawyer will be very interested to see them. Get copies before you confront him (not to show him, but to keep for yourself) as he may delete everything after he knows you've seen them.

You have to protect yourself. Make copies and stash them even before you decide what you will do. You may well regret it later if you dont.

Sorry you are going through this.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

A year out is not old. I'm sorry this is getting slightly ridiculous. We constantly tell spouses, of both genders, that the day you find out about an EA or PA it is just like it happened today. Saying he finally, after 2.5 years, "really loves her" NOW doesn't magically negate that he was in love with another woman, was using his spouse to get out of debt and broke up with her after a miscarriage. 

So, he deserves a chance because "NOW he really lovers her" after he received everything he wanted in the emails? :scratchhead:

Sorry you are here, but you need to communicate with your spouse, confrontation or not. This will not get better if you hide your feeling like he did. He didn't communicate his feelings, marriage ending or not and look where that has you guys right now.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think when a wayward partner informs you of their activities either by
1. strong hints
2. straight out telling you
3. through sloppiness, ie, he left his e-mail account open when he usually doesn't

there has been a turning point in the other relationship.

Granted, you are pregnant, so I would lie low in regards to his other relationship but still gather information. Is he still communicating with her. Di dhis friend childe him for wanting to be in love with another woman while his wife is pregnant?

I would also explore the advice of getting a post nup when you're ready to deal with that conflict..... of course, he's not getting to say yes to it too quickly. You will need to e ready to walk when you raise that issue.


----------



## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

SC,

You told that you had a prefect marriage before you found old emails... And in last email he said he loves you. And he was faithful during the marriage...

Do you want to destroy it? 

Seriously, try MC and bring how you feel about the past - I am sure, you can get through that...


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Aerith said:


> SC,
> 
> You told that you had a prefect marriage before you found old emails... And in last email he said he loves you. And he was faithful during the marriage...
> 
> ...


Bullsh&t. HE destroyed it. He played her. Completely unforgivable. She is going to feel like a chump for the rest of her life if she stays with that loser.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Bullsh&t. HE destroyed it. He played her. Completely unforgivable. She is going to feel like a chump for the rest of her life if she stays with that loser.



:iagree: Exactly! Why are some posters telling her to stay married to a con artist?


----------



## SecondChoice (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi Guys,
Thank you so much for your help, I'm really struggling and you all bring very good points, I cannot stop readings the emails, I want the whole truth, I'm obsessed with finding out every single detail and as more as I read more I find out how his relationship with me was all planned, where/how and why I was manipulated every single time, my pregnancy and his change of heart about having kids together was also not innocent or because he really wanted kids with me. 

I'm devastated and not even sure how I'm able to stand up, I'm start to feel anything but resentment, I have IC this week and will talk to him about this and how to go about it, I don't think I can keep it bottle up much longer he also knows something is wrong.

Like many of you said how can I ever trust him again????? And know how he really feels????? Also I can't stop question someone who does this is capable of anything. Also at this point I'm sure he will do anything to keep me, he plans to take his ex wife to court soon and file for full custody ( with my money) so not only he needs me for that as he needs the peaceful and stable environment we provide for the kids, he also knows that with me out of the picture the kids will very likely not want to live with him so there's no way I will know the real reason behind whatever he tells me in a confrontation.

His best friend has always expressed in the emails that he thinks what is/was doing to me is wrong ( I have a very good relationship with his best friend and his wife) but understands where he is coming from once I'm the right choice for him and good to the kids. 

I know I have to make a decision, as more time passes by more it is eating at me and very soon due to my pregnancy I may not be able to handle this as I would like, also worse will be to my step kids, they are very excited about the baby and I just don't know how I will handle things with them, I know if I leave it will deeply affect them as every single adult in their life has let them down or abandoned them, I'm in agonizing confusion and feel that no matter what my life and the kids lives will be devastated.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SecondChoice said:


> Hi Guys,
> Thank you so much for your help, I'm really struggling and you all bring very good points, I cannot stop readings the emails, I want the whole truth, I'm obsessed with finding out every single detail and as more as I read more I find out how his relationship with me was all planned, where/how and why I was manipulated every single time, *my pregnancy and his change of heart about having kids together was also not innocent or because he really wanted kids with me.*
> 
> I'm devastated and not even sure how I'm able to stand up, I'm start to feel anything but resentment, I have IC this week and will talk to him about this and how to go about it, I don't think I can keep it bottle up much longer he also knows something is wrong.
> ...


I'm very sorry friend.
Can you elaborate a little more about the bolded part? What makes you believe you pregnancy was also a calculated step?


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

SecondChoice said:


> Hi Everyone, I'm not sure about posting this in CWI but you folks here always give such good advice that I want to give it a try. Husband and I are married for two years ( dated for a year) husband has three kids from a previous marriage and we are expecting our first child together ( I'm 5 months pregnant). For some background info husband is divorced, he was married for 15 years to a real train wreck who cheated on him through out the whole marriage, they had a very toxic marriage, a nasty divorce and a very nasty relationship filled with drama while trying to co parent their kids together, husband is clearly traumatized by everything his ex wife did while they married and we have tried to overcome his issues together and I have been as supportive as I can, I also have a fantastic relationship with my step kids. When I met him he was basically as poor as it gets, he had lost everything he had, was full of debt and still dealing and facing all the financial hardships that a nasty divorce like he had costs.
> 
> While dating he cheated two times on me with the same woman and fool that I was ( before I knew TAM existed) I took him back, "we worked it out" and got married. Our marriage is great, we like and enjoy the same things, sex life fantastic, we get along extremely well, any issues we solved them together and with no yelling or conflict, we have never had an argument, if theres such a thing as a perfect marriage I would say I have it or so I thought!
> 
> ...


Youre married, youre pregnant, you get along with his kids, he tells his friend he fell deeply in love with you and he's happy with his choice and that you're the perfect wife"; why make trouble for yourself? Are you insecure? Do you think you got him because you have money (welcome to a mans world), and feel like if it wasn't for the money you wouldn't be married (welcome to being a man 101).

This is life, suck it up and live with your choices, or blow it up over old emails and lose what you built. Do you think there's a husband or wife out there who doesn't have an ideal person somewhere tucked away in the back of their head? Yours just happens to have it in writing and you found it.

T


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I am with Lisa on this one. I understand were this guy is at, he is broken, VERY BROKEN but that is not your fault and you do not have to have a life of sorrow to fix it.

Life is too hard to be unhappy and be with a broken guy. Just my 2 cents David


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Tony55 said:


> Youre married, youre pregnant, you get along with his kids, he tells his friend he fell deeply in love with you and he's happy with his choice and that you're the perfect wife"; why make trouble for yourself? Are you insecure? Do you think you got him because you have money (welcome to a mans world), and feel like if it wasn't for the money you wouldn't be married (welcome to being a man 101).
> 
> This is life, suck it up and live with your choices, or blow it up over old emails and lose what you built. Do you think there's a husband or wife out there who doesn't have an ideal person somewhere tucked away in the back of their head? Yours just happens to have it in writing and you found it.
> 
> T


:banghead::wtf:


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SecondChoice said:


> Hi Guys,
> Thank you so much for your help, I'm really struggling and you all bring very good points, I cannot stop readings the emails, I want the whole truth, I'm obsessed with finding out every single detail and as more as I read more I find out how his relationship with me was all planned, where/how and why I was manipulated every single time, my pregnancy and his change of heart about having kids together was also not innocent or because he really wanted kids with me.
> 
> I'm devastated and not even sure how I'm able to stand up, I'm start to feel anything but resentment, I have IC this week and will talk to him about this and how to go about it, I don't think I can keep it bottle up much longer he also knows something is wrong.
> ...


So 2nd choice what is your plan of action?

Did you backup all the old emails?

When will you sit down with your husband to discuss the emails and your future together?


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Stop being obsessed with reading the emails you already know so much truth that you are about to come apart at the seams. *What good are you going to be to yourself or your children if you get more truth and you are paralyzed?*

You are in a real struggle for your emotional health and you have to get your self in a better condition. You are devastated and full of resentment and not sure if you are able to stand up. *YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU right now so that you can help your children better.* 

I hope your IC is a good one and shows you how to take actions to help you get stronger. Be wary of your husband’s emotional pleas and then his threats. Do what you have to do to win; you are in a fight for your future.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

tony55 said:


> youre married, youre pregnant, you get along with his kids, he tells his friend he fell deeply in love with you and he's happy with his choice and that you're the perfect wife"; why make trouble for yourself? Are you insecure? Do you think you got him because you have money (welcome to a mans world), and feel like if it wasn't for the money you wouldn't be married (welcome to being a man 101).
> 
> This is life, suck it up and live with your choices, or blow it up over old emails and lose what you built. Do you think there's a husband or wife out there who doesn't have an ideal person somewhere tucked away in the back of their head? Yours just happens to have it in writing and you found it.
> 
> T













.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

:lol:


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> Regardless of which place you are at now, do you want to be with someone who would sell his soul to the devil for cash? Not saying you are the devil but if he married you for money it shows his moral compass.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





You have to confront him. That is a given. BUT...there is one avenue you can take that will have the chance for him to redeem himself (slightly) and to offer you some comfort and possible hope (if that is what you want). 

Do NOT confront him with what you have found. What you must do is ask some leading questions. Make it VERY clear to him you accept nothing but the truth and if he is not truthful with you, you will consider what steps to take from there. It is probably worth getting your financial ducks in a row before the confrontation. Whatever his answers, have a post nup ready for the end of the questions, to sign to prove himself (this should be signed to prove himself if he lies by omission, or if he professes all the truth to you....either way, he will be proving what he is saying).

Tell him you wish to talk about his affair. It is bugging you.

1. How did you feel about me when we met?
2. Why did you have the affair? (if I remember correctly, the affair was caught and he knows you know?) 
3. Did you love her? 
4. Why did you choose me rather than running off with her?
5. What is it about me that attracted you? 
6. What is it about me that made you stay with me? 
7. What were your intentions when we 1st met/when you had the affair/when the affair stopped?
8. Why did the affair stop?
9. Why did you change your mind on having kids with me? 

....add any other questions you believe to be relevant and that you want answers to.

and if he omits the money issue throughout...

10. Did you stay with me/pursue me/want to be with me purely for my money? 

At this point, he needs to prove his love and integrity by signing the post nup. 

If he omits the dark truth, this is the point you bring out the emails (after you have secured the post nup where he cannot destroy it). 

If he admits and tells the truth, then you have something to work on. As golfergirl says, his actions displayed a deep lacking and a dark misdirection of his moral compass. You don't ever want to be with someone so calculating and sinister. If he offers the shameful truth with just a few leading questions, you have someone who was in desperate times and was warped by that, but is somewhat presently corrected. (edit: Also, one redeeming factor, he has chosen not to cheat on you once he decided to marry you, even though he could have. This fact may go a long way). 

That, I believe, is your only way forward WITH him. If you no longer want to he with him, then it really doesn't matter how you confront. But it is worth giving him the opportunity to come clean knowing that you 'know nothing' and are 'never likely to know the truth'. Just ensure your questions do not give away what you know.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> You're married, you're pregnant, you get along with his kids, he tells his friend he fell deeply in love with you and he's happy with his choice and that you're the perfect wife"; why make trouble for yourself? Are you insecure? Do you think you got him because you have money (welcome to a mans world), and feel like if it wasn't for the money you wouldn't be married (welcome to being a man 101).
> 
> This is life, suck it up and live with your choices, or blow it up over old emails and lose what you built. Do you think there's a husband or wife out there who doesn't have an ideal person somewhere tucked away in the back of their head? Yours just happens to have it in writing and you found it.





lisab0105 said:


> :banghead::wtf:





adriana said:


> View attachment 15073
> 
> 
> 
> ...





lisab0105 said:


> :lol:


Ok, I'll help both of you out. 

She's been married two years, to a guy she knew was broke, and knew cheated on her twice when they were dating. She's taken on this responsibility, a broke man, his children and now a child on the way. What would you have her do? Would you feel the same way if the genders were switched? If a grown man took on a broke woman, and established a relationship with her kids, and was expecting a child with her... would you want him to dump her? Kick her to the curb? Would you call her a con artist, loser, gold digger, lowlife, maybe "she needs to know her place"?



*SecondChoice*, you've opened up Pandora's box when you dug into his emails, let me ask you this, what would he find in your private communications with your friends over the years? Think. Have you said anything you'd rather he not find out?

T


----------



## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Bullsh&t. HE destroyed it. He played her. Completely unforgivable. She is going to feel like a chump for the rest of her life if she stays with that loser.


If HE would say that he doesn' t love OP and just staying for money, then i would advise to divorce him immediately.

But HE said that he loves OP and she is a good wife for him. 

Also men, who married money, cheat like crazy - not the case, untill not so far.

OP, bring that into MC - listen to him and try not to make an emotional decision. It's very rarely bllack and white - usually it's all shades between them.

Take care and stay strong!


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> Ok, I'll help both of you out. _*Is that so, Tony55?*_
> 
> She's been married two years, to a guy she knew was broke, and knew cheated on her twice when they were dating. _*RIGHT! She should have pulled the plug after he cheated on her first time.*_
> 
> ...


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Aerith said:


> If HE would say that he doesn' t love OP and just staying for money, then i would advise to divorce him immediately. _*You realize that he cannot say any of this for obvious reason, right?*_
> 
> But HE said that he loves OP and she is a good wife for him. _*Actually, the OP is just a wallet for him and even she seems to be aware of this fact.*_
> 
> ...


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are only second choice if you allow yourself to be second choice. I recommend that you safe guard your money and consult with an attorney, to determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but you should know your rights. 

There can be no reconciliation until he admits to his transgressions and is transparent with all social media and electronic devices. I won't tell you to divorce as that is a decision you have to make on your own. However, I have serious doubts that he has ever been completely honest with you about his previous relationships.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OP is very aware of the real issue here: she won't ever feel safe with this man, it seems the only window to his mind is reading his emails to friends, he's incapable of being honest and very cold in his plans. Thefore genuine intimacy is not possible, not now she knows.
What the hell is she supposed to believe let's say a couple of years ahead? Where's his mind, his heart? Should she snoop into his email to find out?


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I kind of agree with tony, unfortunatly in this world we can't see the human soul with our eyes to choice partner, we use or senses and everything from the physical qualities to the posessions and education that a person have as relavant factor to choice partner in this life.

women do it all the time, they choice a partner that can give them security and is able to provide over the one they feel more physical attraction but is a total loser unemployed without desire to do something for his life.

that does not make them gold diggers that is part of what choicing a partner is, taking all the variables that we like and making a choice with them.

and is not wrong, is part of what define us as human beings, in second chance case his husband was more of a b*stard in this aspect but if in the end now all the qualities she have make her number one over any other woman then why would she destroy everything if she is happy in her current life.

I still think she must confront him, but leaving him? that is a total different story.

Second Choice, I have a friend that married at 23 because the girl he was dating got pregnant (note that I said dating not GF), he was multidating 3 girls at that time and the one he married was the one she liked the less (his parents were kind of religious and strick in family matters, so they pressured him to do the right thig), and he had no problems letting us know that he didn't liked her that much.

well now 8 year later and other kid he is happy with his choice and poor of the soul that dare to remind him the things he said about his wife because now he loves her and talk about her as the perrfect wife (literally braging), and he was a jerk at that time (he was a talker, he used to tell us about his sexual games with her and how she was a good laid but nothing else), probably if I remid him that now he is going to throw a punch at my face (we still make fun o his big mouth at his back but not about his wife, she is a nice gal who always have beer, snacks and good conversation when we visit their house).


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

manticore said:


> women do it all the time, they choice a partner that can give them security and is able to provide over the one they feel more physical attraction but is a total loser unemployed without desire to do something for his life.
> 
> that does not make them gold diggers that is part of what choicing a partner is, taking all the variables that we like and making a choice with them.



It's 2014 and we, women, are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. We don't need men to do it. My husband has a good, well paying job but I married him only because I loved him. Income wise I'm punching way above his weight.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

adriana said:


> It's 2014 and we, women, are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. We don't need men to do it. My husband has a good, well paying job but I married him only because I loved him. Income wise I'm punching way above his weight.


And that's a good thing, one more reason for your husband to keep you. Assets are assets, relationships are transactions, the more you bring to the table, the better your position.

T


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I'm in agonizing confusion and feel that no matter what my life and the kids lives will be devastated.




Your grim outlook is understandable but not necessarily a fact.

For the short term you need to get your money legally separate from him; post-nup
Build yourself up with all the recourses that are available to you. Most town/cities have lots of resources for family problems and some are free. Yes you will suffer but you are already suffering so you might as well be getting stronger. Stop trying to figure him out and do not make him your focus. The only person that you can change is yourself.* GET INTO SELF SURVIVAL MODE!!*


For the long term get a plan that benefits you and your child and continue to build your self up and get all the help that you can. You have been either naïve or weak or both in the past. *Your life does not have to be devastated. Millions of women have come out of this kind of situations and can you. Yu are going to have to get tougher.*


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

adriana said:


> It's 2014 and we, women, are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. We don't need men to do it. My husband has a good, well paying job but I married him only because I loved him. Income wise I'm punching way above his weight.


Adriana, I think you are missunderstanding the point here, my post was directed as how we humans in general (both genders) when we choice a partner to date and eventually to commit we take many variables in consideration.

for example I may find the beautifull woman that in looks is exactly like Charlize Theron (who in looks drive me crazy), but turns out that she is a serial cheater, a crack addict and compulsive buyer drowning in debt.

So maybe his looks will be in the top of what I like, but the other qualities as loyalty, health and finacial behaviour are at the lowest point, obviously I would be a moron if a choose to look a relationship with a woman like that based purely in her looks, I know I will end unhappy, betrayed and in debt.

and even if that was my point let me clarify you something

many times in this forum the subject of how women lose the respect for men that are not capable to provide to their families have been discussed, even if the women does not need the support from the men, women in 2014 may don't have the need for a man to provide for them but I bet you that they not want a loser slacker at home who does nothing.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I don't know, this is like discovering one day that someone committed ghastly murder or a morbid suicide in your bedroom...it changes your entire perspective of where you lay your head. I don't understand the advice given to bury the e-mail skeletons, whether POS "saw the light" or not. Sure, in a eternal sense, everyone should have their chance at redemption, but this woman has her right to reconsider everything now that she knows that she had been misled and was married under false pretenses.

Either direction, the course will be very traumatic...but recommendations to just bury it is sorta telling someone to keep the knife in their back...and hey, shank yourself with it every now and again as you are reminded of the betrayal...and if spouse says, "What's the matter with you?", you just hide the knife you are re-stabbing yourself with, and say "Nothing honey...dinner will be ready soon."


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

SecondChoice said:


> It is also clear from all the emails that at some point he did plan to keep the affair going with the OW had I not found out about her and who she is, at some point while we were dating I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and he broke things off claiming he couldn't deal with a pregnancy, well the timeline shows me now he was with her and trying to sort out who was the best choice, he was also determined that we would never have kids, now I know is because again he had planned once he would get from me what he wanted he would leave me for her.
> 
> I do believe his feelings did change as there were definitely a switch in the relationship and I do believe now his love is genuine but I can't overcome the fact that I could be living my entire life with someone who would never love me, I cannot also overcome the mindset, I don't know who this person is, I'm afraid of what he is capable of now that I know this.
> 
> ...


You are not his second choice, you are his first choice!

And a good one. But he is a con artist.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I was married to a sociopath who spent our entire life savings on expanding his personal business endeavors while cheating. He locked me out of the majority of the bank accounts so I had no access to "his" money but meanwhile he had complete access to mine. He was very good at pretending all of it was "ours." 

Yea - that was the old me. Never again. Like you, there were red flags. A relative gifted a few family members with property but wanted everyone's spouse to sign a doc waiving their individual right to it. Everyone else's spouse did so without complaint (including a cousin who has been married 50 years) but he threw the biggest fit I have ever seen and made me feel extremely guilty for honoring the request. He wanted access to ALL of the money. I got out of the marriage by the skin of my teeth and I thank God every day he signed that form or I would have less than 10% of our assets. It was the only way I could get out. 

OP please learn from my mistakes. His children are not your responsibility and in time they will understand. Take care of and PROTECT yourself. 

Not to be sinister but you never know how far people this disturbed will go. There's a few stories I'll never share but towards the end things in my situation became very ominous.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> I was married to a sociopath who spent our entire life savings on expanding his personal business endeavors while cheating. He locked me out of the majority of the bank accounts so I had no access to "his" money but meanwhile he had complete access to mine. He was very good at pretending all of it was "ours."
> 
> Yea - that was the old me. Never again. Like you, there were red flags. A relative gifted a few family members with property but wanted everyone's spouse to sign a doc waiving their individual right to it. Everyone else's spouse did so without complaint (including a cousin who has been married 50 years) but he threw the biggest fit I have ever seen and made me feel extremely guilty for honoring the request. He wanted access to ALL of the money. I got out of the marriage by the skin of my teeth and I thank God every day he signed that form or I would have less than 10% of our assets. It was the only way I could get out.
> 
> ...



:iagree: SecondChoice, you really need to read Bravenewworld's post very carefully because it is going to be your story if you decided to stay married to your con artist husband.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> And that's a good thing, one more reason for your husband to keep you. Assets are assets, relationships are transactions, the more you bring to the table, the better your position.
> T



You're wrong once again. What my husband wants is completely meaningless to me once I discovered his affair. It's a divorce time for us, entirely my choice, and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

But this thread is about SecondChoice and her con artist husband.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> I don't understand the advice given to bury the e-mail skeletons
> but this woman has her right to reconsider everything now that she knows that she had been misled and was married under false pretenses.


I'm not sure anyone is suggesting to ignore the emails. I believe a discussion is in order to put all the cards on the table, but I do not think this is the absolute end of the marriage. She went in knowing he was broke and had cheated twice. He went in thinking he preferred the other woman over the one he married, and has since found his love for the one he married. There's a lot to discuss, but kicking each other to the curb doesn't have to be the only feasible outcome here.

T


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

If she wants to leave him, because she can't reconcile that he lied at the beginning of the relationship, that is alright, tha is her choice, but I don't think that is the case, I think she also loves deeply her husband and is trying to understand what happened and if he really loves her now, nobody likes to feel that you are just being used.

now I have seen many users call her husband con-artist, which obviously isn't the case, he isn't trying to take all her money, he is already building a family with her (and I don't mean just getting a child with her but also integrating his kids for the previous marriage in their lives), he wrote to his friend that he made the right choice and got the perfect wife and now is in love with her, A con-artist would be really stupid if after his fraud he have to end paying child-support and losing the other kids again for the divorce that he would face and the lack of stability to his kids.

I am not telling her to not protect her assets, on the contrary I encourage her to do it, but ending the marriage without consideration is a great mistake, .


----------



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

The doubt wil always haunt you... can and want you to live that way? Do you want your daughter to have a father like that?


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

manticore said:


> now I have seen many users call her husband con-artist, which obviously isn't the case, he isn't trying to take all her money, he is already building a family with her (and I don't mean just getting a child with her but also integrating his kids for the previous marriage in their lives), he wrote to his friend that he made the right choice and got the perfect wife and now is in love with her, A con-artist would be really stupid if after his fraud he have to end paying child-support and losing the other kids again for the divorce that he would face and the lack of stability to his kids.
> 
> I am not telling her to not protect her assets, on the contrary I encourage her to do it, but ending the marriage without consideration is a great mistake, .



As long as the OP stays married to her con artist husband there is very little she can do to effectively protect her assets from him. All this, so "omnipresent" on this site, talk about signing postnuptial agreement only illustrates how little they really know about it. Any half-decent attorney will challenge it on the ground of being "grossly unjust" and simply have it thrown away. 

OP's loser husband isn't going to pay her any child support. Not going to happen. Without getting into technicalities, it would take too much time, the most likely outcome in case of their divorce would be her paying him child support. And, if he somehow manages to get custody of his four children from his first marriage, his chances of successfully suing her for spousal support will increase dramatically despite being married for such a short period of time. Sad but true.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

adriana said:


> As long as the OP stays married to her *con artist husband* there is very little she can do to effectively protect her assets from him. All this, so "omnipresent" on this site, talk about signing postnuptial agreement only illustrates how little they really know about it. Any half-decent attorney will challenge it on the ground of being "grossly unjust" and simply have it thrown away.
> 
> OP's loser husband isn't going to pay her any child support. Not going to happen. Without getting into technicalities, it would take too much time, the most likely outcome in case of their divorce would be her paying him child support. And, if he somehow manages to get custody of his four children from his first marriage, his chances of successfully suing her for spousal support will increase dramatically despite being married for such a short period of time. Sad but true.


LOL

well, I guess this is where I am ignorant of the laws of other countries, the laws from my country have many flaws but regarding marriage, post-nups and pre-nups are effectives and we even have a type of marriage contract called seperated-Assets marriage (all educated couples marry like this now days) where the only thing you have to worry about after divorce is the propierties that were bought with more than one owner (regarding assets), and child support is taken directly from the salary of the person


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

SC, I hope you are doing okay.


----------



## SecondChoice (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi Lisa and everyone else,
Thanks for checking up on me. I'm ok whatever that means right now, I'm going through the worse pain of my life and feel deeply devastated, not much has changed and I'm still trying to figure out what to do, I have discussed it with my IC and is a must that I do discuss this with my husband, we trying to get me to figure out what I will do and how to talk to him about this, I'm not in a good place and my IC fears that I may just not handle it the best way, he wants that no matter what I decide I do it in a way that down the road I will have peace and closure.

I do have to make a decision soon as husband excepts us to move soon ( me paying) and file for full custody soon ( me paying) and at this point there's no way I'm paying for the move or signing retainers with a lawyer so he can file for full custody. I'm deeply sad as I re think our entire marriage/relationship I can see where/why/how he manipulated me to get what he wanted, I feel I have been living a lie, unfortunately like I always say you can never unlearn the truth and no matter what happens I will never unlearn it.

Thank you all for your advice, had I known about TAM before I would most likely never R after his affairs and today wouldn't be in this situation. 

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Just said a prayer for you and sending hugs your way. (((Second Choice))).

Stay strong and please take care of yourself!!!!

HM


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

I don't remember how to pray but I will definitively keep you in my thoughts. Take care of yourself!


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Second Choice,

Please, please do not pay for the removal or pay for the full custody filing. Please, please, DO separate your money. Please, please DO document everything indicating his motivations for marrying you and cheating in case things get ugly. One poster mentioned that he could sue you for spousal support.

I can feel through your posts, at least, I think I can, that you are AFRAID of this man. Why? Because he is capable of calculating, as if we were talking about a business transaction, with respect to marriage. And not only that, he unabashedly revealed this to his friend as if he were talking about which stocks to invest in!!!


I cannot believe that there is so much debate going on about whether the marriage should be saved or not. I'm truly worried about your future, SC, and that of your child, if stay with this guy.

As hard as it is to do, we need to focus on the facts. The facts reveal that staying with this man would be at best, emotionally unsatisfying and detrimental to one's self-esteem, and well, at worse, I just don't know but I can imagine a lot of things....

He is broken. Please remove yourself from this situation, get support from family and friends (not his best friend) and create a stable environment for your baby. I realize this is so much easier said than done. Attachment is difficult. You are attached to him and emotionally dependent on him. I'm wishing you all the best in this difficult situation. It is really upsetting.


----------

