# What to do when he doesn't hold up his end?



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

H and I have been married almost 12 years, when we were first married we were pretty equal pay wise so we pooled all our money. He lost his job a few years later and struggled to find anything, got involved in construction which is basically a well paid part-time job. I handled all the bills, we each got a set amount of cash a week to spend as we wanted. He would always blow his sometimes the day he got it and use joint account for stuff, often not giving receipts, etc. 

Finally, about 6 months ago I had enough and worked out a plan. We each contribute to household expenses based on our income and then we each pay our credit card and car payment. Over the 6 months the car payment has been late twice, the credit card he just bounced the payment to last week. And this weekend he took off on a "guys weekend" with the money he had to make the car payment this time.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

free2beme14 said:


> H and I have been married almost 12 years, when we were first married we were pretty equal pay wise so we pooled all our money. He lost his job a few years later and struggled to find anything, got involved in construction which is basically a well paid part-time job. I handled all the bills, we each got a set amount of cash a week to spend as we wanted. He would always blow his sometimes the day he got it and use joint account for stuff, often not giving receipts, etc.
> 
> Finally, about 6 months ago I had enough and worked out a plan. We each contribute to household expenses based on our income and then we each pay our credit card and car payment. Over the 6 months the car payment has been late twice, the credit card he just bounced the payment to last week. And this weekend he took off on a "guys weekend" with the money he had to make the car payment this time.


Time it switch things up. Let him have a "my money" bank account. Put his "allowance" in that after his paycheck. The rest of the money goes into an account he doesn't have access to.

C


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

That's what we have now, a joint account and then we each have our own account. After his contribution to the household bills he gets what is left to pay his 2 bills and for spending money. But obviously he cannot manage that.


----------



## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

free2beme14 said:


> And this weekend he took off on a "guys weekend" with the money he had to make the car payment this time.


This isn't a man. This is a menace. Start packing. Do you have children?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And I'm saying not to have a joint account, because he's dipping into it inappropriately. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

Happyfamily said:


> This isn't a man. This is a menace. Start packing. Do you have children?


My son that he adopted is 22 and lives in his own apartment. The one thing that has been holding me back is the house--we own it jointly and I can't make the payment on my own. Rental places around here typically will not take dogs and I have one. Had two but she had to be put down a few months ago. So my housing choices there are very limited.


----------



## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

free2beme14 said:


> H and I have been married almost 12 years, when we were first married we were pretty equal pay wise so we pooled all our money. He lost his job a few years later and struggled to find anything, got involved in construction which is basically a well paid part-time job. I handled all the bills, we each got a set amount of cash a week to spend as we wanted. He would always blow his sometimes the day he got it and use joint account for stuff, often not giving receipts, etc.
> 
> Finally, about 6 months ago I had enough and worked out a plan. We each contribute to household expenses based on our income and then we each pay our credit card and car payment. Over the 6 months the car payment has been late twice, the credit card he just bounced the payment to last week. And this weekend he took off on a "guys weekend" with the money he had to make the car payment this time.


Change the passwords and PIN numbers to the account and the permissions from joint to single, or move sh!t to a new account, set up automagic payments for the cc and the car, and then withdraw cash for his and your weekly allowance. Beware of him opening new cc's in your name as well...best of luck...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

free2beme14 said:


> That's what we have now, a joint account and then we each have our own account. After his contribution to the household bills he gets what is left to pay his 2 bills and for spending money. But obviously he cannot manage that.


Then take all his money and give him a small allowance. VERY small. If he wants more, he can get off his ass and work for more money.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

Is this a money management issue spilling over into the relationship, or is it more like, there are relationship issues (like, resentment, or a long standing power struggle) that happen to spill over into money management? 

My 2c: In my family, when there have been problems with money it has been about something else as well. 

Perhaps (and I am not saying that you do) you bust his ass and so he feels entitled to blow his wad elsewhere. Or perhaps he has never handled money well, and is blanking your inconvenient "no free ride" signals until you up the volume on them. Or does he genuinely feel "it is no big deal, hey bounce a car payment, he'll pay you back, after all he helps you out about things that are not laid out to the letter" - or some such internal narrative. Easy going people can be fine but when you have to depend on them you sometimes have to amp the signal until they pay attention and this they find uncomfortable, sometimes. 

I share your frustration, this sounds like a real "I can't trust him" issue and he needs to understand that. Persistent but not shouty, is worth trying. Good luck.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I definitely have resentment toward him because I feel like I am the adult in the relationship and he is the child. 

There is no power struggle, he doesn't seem to have an opinion on anything anymore

Honestly, I think he just assumes that he can do what he wants and I will find a way to fix it. Until 6 months ago, I managed all aspects of the money--paid all the bills gave him $50 cash each week to spend as he wanted. He can't even tell you what our house payment is, the interest rate, etc. When we first married his Dad said he was horrible at managing money, so I don't think this is new thing for him, its just I got tired of the arrangement we had and expected him to be responsible for 2 bills per month.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And...now you know that's a disaster. If you want to stay married to him, treat him like your kid, as if you were a single mother, and it is your responsibility to run the household. He won't get better (as long as you stay with him), so stop giving him access to the money. That's like giving an addict access to the crack in the evidence lockup at the police station and telling him to take care of it.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

Sounds like he doesn't want to think about it and didn't even mind getting only pocket money before - it was you that got tired of doing all the budgeting. 

So you have two ways to go here: take back the control, because he does not want to use it. Or get him to use his control. The latter strategy has the best possible outcome (you both act like adults instead of just you) but could backfire (he screws up, he resents you, he don't wanna try). 

If he doesn't want to budget and is in other respects a decent spouse - then keep the purse strings to yourself!


----------



## purplekisses83 (May 4, 2014)

free2beme14 said:


> H and I have been married almost 12 years, when we were first married we were pretty equal pay wise so we pooled all our money. He lost his job a few years later and struggled to find anything, got involved in construction which is basically a well paid part-time job. I handled all the bills, we each got a set amount of cash a week to spend as we wanted. He would always blow his sometimes the day he got it and use joint account for stuff, often not giving receipts, etc.
> 
> Finally, about 6 months ago I had enough and worked out a plan. We each contribute to household expenses based on our income and then we each pay our credit card and car payment. Over the 6 months the car payment has been late twice, the credit card he just bounced the payment to last week. And this weekend he took off on a "guys weekend" with the money he had to make the car payment this time.


To be honest with you i hear this a lot from my friends..but i'm going to be honest with you the women are mostly the ones being the men in the relationship nowadays and the men are not how they use to be or what we expected like we seen growing up...this is too common so sad to say but your not the only one


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, in this society, it's very common. I'm old enough to remember when the men did all the 'real' work and the women did the 'home' work and nobody DARED cross paths. It truly was better back then because men never questioned doing the right thing. Once women's lib and welfare and all came along, something got severely messed up. It became 'ok' to not own up to your responsibilities, and one generation had the next generation and taught them the same, and nowadays it's a crap shoot. Always look VERY carefully at your partner's background.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I would have no issues with making more money or managing the money if he contributed in other ways. So I guess back to what someone said the money issue is not the root problem. When he worked "part time" in construction and had days off he would never do things around the house, he'd always use the excuse of not having the money to do them. But many of the things needing done don't cost or cost very little--like mowing the grass once a week, or power washing the house once a year, or cleaning out the garage or going though a box of junk. 

I spent yesterday while he is out of town on the "boys weekend" looking at houses. Hopefully I will be able to make a move soon, I cannot support this grown man for the rest of my life. I would rather help my son who is trying to go back to school and who works two jobs.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

free2beme14 said:


> I would have no issues with making more money or managing the money if he contributed in other ways. So I guess back to what someone said the money issue is not the root problem. When he worked "part time" in construction and had days off he would never do things around the house, he'd always use the excuse of not having the money to do them.


So you're stuck in a relationship where he expects you to be the 'woman' and do all the 'woman' stuff but he is also willing to let you be the 'man' and bring home the bacon.

Are you going to accept that the rest of your life? Is that what you thought you were buying into?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

turnera said:


> Yes, in this society, it's very common. I'm old enough to remember when the men did all the 'real' work and the women did the 'home' work and nobody DARED cross paths. It truly was better back then because men never questioned doing the right thing. Once women's lib and welfare and all came along, something got severely messed up. It became 'ok' to not own up to your responsibilities, and one generation had the next generation and taught them the same, and nowadays it's a crap shoot. Always look VERY carefully at your partner's background.


I don't know about that. The women in my family have always worked. In logging camps, hospitals, military bases, truck farms, etc. I'm fairly certain they earned as much as their husbands. And I know my grandmother managed her financial affairs a lot better than my grandfather did.
All this talk about woman's lib being to blame is BS. Women's lib just made it easier for women to not get cr*p for keeping what they earned from their lazy husbands who have always been lazy (like my grandfather.) In all the other relationships I've known about, there was equality. My Uncle (who was from Greece) was a very good cook, my cousins were always taught by their mothers to keep house from a young age (because my aunt said, you never knew what was going to happen in life.) Actually my cousin's wife died of cancer at a young age, and he not only worked but also kept house and raised his children alone. My sons are also very good housekeepers. I love to visit my son's apartment where he lives with his girlfriend. Everything is so pleasant. They both keep house, but she gives him a lot of the credit. I do both - earn money and keep house. I like both equally. 

I think there is a tendency to generalize the 'old days' but in my experience when I look at history and historical records I just don't see it. Even if you look at the mills during the industrial revolution, it was a lot of women and children working long hours making fabric, etc. They left the farms to earn money.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just speaking of nearly every single family I've ever known in my 55 years...


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

turnera said:


> So you're stuck in a relationship where he expects you to be the 'woman' and do all the 'woman' stuff but he is also willing to let you be the 'man' and bring home the bacon.
> 
> Are you going to accept that the rest of your life? Is that what you thought you were buying into?


No I am not going to accept it, I have for almost 12 years. This "sugar mamma is no more". And its more he expects me to be the parent and have sex with him. Which totally freaks me out.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

So he made it home from the weekend trip, I had expressed to him how angry and hurt I was over him taking the money for the car payment as spending money. When I got home he was so mad, said I picked the worst time to send that e-mail he was on his way back from Atlanta and couldn't do anything to fix the situation. 

Said that he took money from his account because he thought it was better than taking it from the joint account. Then said it wasn't a big deal because he is getting a loan from the credit union. I asked if the loan is a for sure thing and he said not 100%. So I asked what will happen then and he said he'd "deal with it". Then he threw a fit about not having any money because I take so much of his check for the household bills. I then asked if he had other suggestions of how to manage the household bills and he said he couldn't "think of any because he was so mad". 

We talked about one other thing, and something I said sent him over the edge. He packed a bag up and left the house. Said he is moving into a rental this weekend.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How is he paying for a rental? And is he going to continue to contribute to the housing costs that he's already committed to with you? 

So his brilliant idea for making a car payment is to borrow money to pay back a loan? He needs serious financial therapy. He's going down big time. Your only choice is whether you let him take you for the ride. My advice would be no. Do everything you can to protect yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would close off all accounts so he can't access them without your signature. Quick.

And consider this a blessing. If you DO get back together, it needs to be with strict rules in place. Most likely though, he's just going to run and leave you with all the debt.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Yes, in this society, it's very common. I'm old enough to remember when the men did all the 'real' work and the women did the 'home' work and nobody DARED cross paths. It truly was better back then because men never questioned doing the right thing. Once women's lib and welfare and all came along, something got severely messed up. It became 'ok' to not own up to your responsibilities, and one generation had the next generation and taught them the same, and nowadays it's a crap shoot. Always look VERY carefully at your partner's background.


I remember one woman, probably your age, turnera, saying something similar. She said that with the women's movement, men realized they could get their wives to not only do all the housework and raise the kids, but also work paying jobs.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, also, back then, fathers took care of things. If a kid did something irresponsible, his father meted out the punishment. Nowadays it's 'not MY child, MY child would NEVER do that, it must be YOU (teacher, cop, clerk).'

Growing up in fear of your higher power (father, school, priest, God) can be a good thing. It puts you in your place and teaches you to respect others. I think it's been sorely lacking. I blame it on removing the draft.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I assume he is going to keep his paycheck all to himself and not contribute to the household bills at our home because he won't be living there. So then it all becomes mine to deal with. The rental is through a friend of his and may or may not be sharing the place with someone else. He's not real forthcoming with the details. His justification for taking a loan to pay off a loan and pay a big chunk on the credit card is to lower his month payment per month. 

I am willing to split what money we have in savings with him as I consider those joint funds. So he would have some starting out money, of course how well he manages that who knows. When we separated last year for 2 weeks he spent over $800.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you're not legally liable for any of his debts.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I am on his credit card as an authorized user, both vehicles are titled and loaned in both our names and we have a house. He is an authorized user on one of my credit cards, but I will be calling to get him removed today.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Well, also, back then, fathers took care of things. If a kid did something irresponsible, his father meted out the punishment. Nowadays it's 'not MY child, MY child would NEVER do that, it must be YOU (teacher, cop, clerk).'
> 
> Growing up in fear of your higher power (father, school, priest, God) can be a good thing. It puts you in your place and teaches you to respect others. I think it's been sorely lacking. I blame it on removing the draft.


Lol, turnera, you are a true conservative. 

Dh tells me I am a liberal with conservative values.  

I don't know why no one is afraid of anyone anymore, either. I am amazed by the way younger people with less life experience talk to older people with more life experience. And they talk so _authoritatively_, too.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, I'm a liberal with a conservative view on a few things. I just know right from wrong and I know psychology. Raise kids without a strong paternal figure and they almost surely will grow up messed up. It's just how humans work.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Actually, I'm a liberal with a conservative view on a few things. I just know right from wrong and I know psychology. Raise kids without a strong paternal figure and they almost surely will grow up messed up. It's just how humans work.


Well, whatever you are, you sure do know a lot. And you're not afraid to say it, clearly and directly. I really appreciate that!


----------

