# Question About Emotional Abuse



## eternal_optimist (May 30, 2012)

Over the last couple months, I have scoured the internet for any advice/information that might help me decide what is best for me in my situation, and it only seems to confuse me or make me second-guess my own thoughts.

It makes me wonder. Why, when someone is in a controlling or emotionally abusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, does everyone universally advise that person to run and never look back, but if that relationship is a marriage, many will tell you to do everything you can to make it work? Is it that divorce is really that bad, or the regret so strong that it's worth sacrificing at least some of your happiness? Having never had any close friends or family who've experienced divorce, I have nobody else to ask. Thoughts?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

What sites are you on that advise an abused spouse to stay?

Those are pretty rare. The general consensus as far as I've seen (and with which I concur) is that once abuse occurs? Run. Run far and run fast. Even if you are married.

So, why are you asking? Are you being abused? If you are, there are plenty of resources. Please don't be ashamed to seek help.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

One of the things that really stunk about my IC was the knowledge that it would lead to divorce, and that meant work and upheaval and change, and everyone is resistant to change, even when it is good change.

It's not good to stay in an abusive relationship after you realize it's an abusive relationship because self-abuse goes with you after you leave (or sticks with you when you stay) whereas choosing to leave ends the abuse as it takes two to stay in a relationship.

So after realization, you take the equation 1 + 1 = 2 and you make it 1 + 0 <> 2 you end the abuse. If you remain as the second "1" then it is you who is choosing to perpetuate the abuse towards yourself. That is much more difficult to recover from as you can't then leave yourself...you'll need to find a way to forgive yourself as well as spend a lot of time and energy building up trust with yourself again. That is really, really tough. You have to go the distance for yourself and not slip up. It takes a lot of time. More than learning to trust someone else, where you can always forgive lapses because of the way that human communication is. But you can't use that excuse when you fail yourself. :-o


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

eternal_optimist said:


> Is it that divorce is really that bad, or the regret so strong that it's worth sacrificing at least some of your happiness?


I'm sure that some of that sentiment comes from the quaint notion that divorce would tend to involve kids while BF/GF relationships would not. Of course, in today's world, that assumption is deeply flawed.

IMO, as lamaga said, if there's abuse going on, it's never healthy to stay. But, if it's more a clash of styles than abuse (very difficult to tell the difference if you're the potential victim), and there are kids involved, whether married or not, then I think there's an added imperative to try to work it out. 

If there are no kids involved, there are still complex legal and financial matters to untangle, but each person would need to weigh the unhappiness of the relationship against the complications and unknowns of splitting apart.


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## eternal_optimist (May 30, 2012)

lamaga, you would be surprised how many people say that if it's worked and made me happy on some level for 13 years, maybe there's still something there worth fixing if he's willing to work with me. Which he always is when things are bad, then things get comfortable again and we're always back to square one.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

E_O, if you believe that you are being abused, you are being abused. There is no excuse for it, and nobody should flat out tell you that you should stay, especially if you've been able to put up with it for 13 years. There is such a thing as Stockholm syndrome, and it is very prevalent in emotionally abusive situations. Yours may not be that bad, but you should never discount your well-being.

I have been recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship (a 10+ year marriage/15-year relationship), and now that I'm looking at things from the 'outside,' I wonder how and why I stuck around for so long. When you are no longer 'walking on eggshells' you will feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. I truly wish my ex had admitted to his behavior and wanted to change, but he still doesn't admit to what happened. If your husband at least recognizes that there's a problem, you may have a chance. But it's going to require a *lot* of work on his part. 

Here are some really great books for you to read:

Both by Patricia Evans:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship (free sneak preview on Amazon)
The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? (free sneak preview on Amazon)

Both by Lundy Bancroft:
Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (free sneak preview on Amazon)
Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can -- and Should -- Be Saved

Others that I haven't read, but get good reviews:
But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship by Joanna V. Hunter (free sneak preview on Amazon)

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It by Leslie Vernick (free sneak preview on Amazon)


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

eternal_optimist said:


> lamaga, you would be surprised how many people say that if it's worked and made me happy on some level for 13 years, maybe there's still something there worth fixing if he's willing to work with me. Which he always is when things are bad, then things get comfortable again and we're always back to square one.


To this and your initial post, I'd say one reason is that people think the vow of marriage is (or is supposed to be) a lifetime commitment, whereas in a bf/gf relationship, there is no such commitment - no such vow. The purpose of dating is to see and determine if the person you're with is the one you want to make that commitment to/with, whereas the vow of marriage is the done deal. I wouldn't say it's a double standard, as you seem to think it is. I'd say it's the general view of the marriage commitment.

I'd also say, however, that those people are not living your life and not walking in your shoes. Having been in an abusive relationship myself, I attended individual counseling and group sessions counseling. I know that from the standpoint of the professionals and that of the victims, the one and only advice is to leave if you want the abuse to end. It is terrible advice to tell someone to remain and continue being abused. And, it is completely senseless to tell someone to continue being abused just because you are not abused 24/7. The good times DO NOT outweigh the bad because the bad times are ongoing even when the abusive acts/words have temporarily subsided. You mentioned before about (I'm paraphrasing here) not saying anything to him about his abuse and not saying anything in order to prevent setting him off. Walking on eggshells like that and constantly working to modify her behavior is the life of the abused victim, which is the reason the abuse is constant and ongoing. Other people might think it's okay to suggest you accept the bad times along with the good ones, but they don't know the circles of cycles you live in. They have no idea what you are going through. Telling you stay because "even though he mistreats you today, he will be nice to you tomorrow" is ridiculous.

Abused women always find all kinds of excuses not to leave. The main reason is as Angelpixie suggested, which is that no one likes (or that everyone fears) change. So, rather than accepting the need for change (the need to leave), women anchor themselves to the abuse to the point they convince themselves (by allowing him to convince them) they somehow deserve it or for some other reason have to stay. There is often guilt involved. Usually the guilt is related to the children in thinking they don't want their children to be fatherless, or thinking they want the marriage/family to stay together for the children's sake. In your case, you have anchored yourself to the abusive marriage by thinking your husband cannot survive without you. Thus, your reasons for feeling guilty about the prospect of leaving him in that you will somehow be guilty of his subsequent outcome.

You are in counseling and should bring these issues up with your therapist so you can reach the point of freeing yourself from yourself (from your guilt) and from your abusive husband.


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