# Emotional Abuse...or am I the crazy one.



## Annecatherine (Aug 15, 2016)

My husband constantly yells at me. I've been really down lately because i'm going through some ptsd after watching my 29 year old brother suffer from Leukemia and die after only a 53 day battle in the ICU. The shock and flashbacks i'm having are really starting to now hit me hard since the rush of the funeral and everything has died down. My husband basically tells me to suck it up and move on with life. He is going through something very major with his work and anytime i want to talk he reverts back to talking about his work problem. It's hard for me to feel bad because of what i just saw my brother go through and i'm also watching my dad die slowly with a rare disease he was diagnosed with last fall. All i think is, "at least you're alive".. I know he needs my support. I get it, he's the breadwinner and i am here to support him anyway i can. According to him i'm not supporting him right. He gets angry with me quickly tells me i'm being selfish for grieving and that i can't change what happened. If i screw up or don't do something to his liking he gets right on me and tells me i'm stupid and don't pay attention. He's constantly criticizing me and bringing up all of my faults. Nothing i do is every good enough, yet every fight we have is my fault. It's gotten so bad i've withdrawn from having any feelings for him, and i have no desire to have sex or any attraction. I'm very afraid of him. I feel like i have to tip toe around him and i don't feel like i can share anything with him because all he will do is basically tell me to suck it up and act like i'm an idiot because i can't control my grief. I'm at a loss at what to do. We have 3 young children and this is my second marriage and i want to make it work. I'm so sad this is where it's at right now...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off, I am deeply sorry for your loss and all you have been going though sweetheart.

A couple of questions so we can begin to try to help you.

How long have you been married?

Has your husband always treated you like this, or is this a recent development since the tragedy of your brother and his work issues?

What exactly is he doing that makes you "very afraid of him"? (This wording is very worrisome to me.)

On a personal note...My mom and I watched my young, healthy father die on a table in front of me. It absolutely has such a terrible affect on us, and our marriages. I totally get that honey. Mine was already failing before this happened, but it took away anything I had left in me to try. I felt like my soul died. I almost felt like I had no feelings anymore for a while. It was the bleakest time in my life. 

That being said...time is a healer, and it does at some point begin to get a little better, very, very slowly. I have a lot more to say, but I will wait to give you a chance to reply.

We are here to help you sweetheart.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Annecatherine said:


> My husband constantly yells at me. I've been really down lately because i'm going through some ptsd after watching my 29 year old brother suffer from Leukemia and die after only a 53 day battle in the ICU. The shock and flashbacks i'm having are really starting to now hit me hard since the rush of the funeral and everything has died down. My husband basically tells me to suck it up and move on with life. He is going through something very major with his work and anytime i want to talk he reverts back to talking about his work problem. It's hard for me to feel bad because of what i just saw my brother go through and i'm also watching my dad die slowly with a rare disease he was diagnosed with last fall. All i think is, "at least you're alive".. I know he needs my support. I get it, he's the breadwinner and i am here to support him anyway i can. According to him i'm not supporting him right. He gets angry with me quickly tells me i'm being selfish for grieving and that i can't change what happened. If i screw up or don't do something to his liking he gets right on me and tells me i'm stupid and don't pay attention. He's constantly criticizing me and bringing up all of my faults. Nothing i do is every good enough, yet every fight we have is my fault. It's gotten so bad i've withdrawn from having any feelings for him, and i have no desire to have sex or any attraction. I'm very afraid of him. I feel like i have to tip toe around him and i don't feel like i can share anything with him because all he will do is basically tell me to suck it up and act like i'm an idiot because i can't control my grief. I'm at a loss at what to do. We have 3 young children and this is my second marriage and i want to make it work. I'm so sad this is where it's at right now...


What the hell?!

Kick him the f(ck out of your house. Right now. Or else pack your stuff and MOVE OUT right now back to your family. 

This guy does NOT deserve you.

Kick him out of your life!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Annecatherine said:


> I'm at a loss at what to do. We have 3 young children and this is my second marriage and i want to make it work. I'm so sad this is where it's at right now...


I am so sad for you, also.

Deus animae tuae misereatur.

This is not the behavior of a mature, healthy man.

He is out of control. If you cannot get him on anxiety meds, you need to move out. 

Soon.



Do you have family or friends that can take you in?

Swallow your pride for the children's sake.

Sorry.....your mate-picker needs to be re-calibrated!

Hang tough.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Hello! from what I have read from your point of view. Accusing you of selfish is probably a quality he has himself. You may want to organise sessions with a grief counsellor to help you process your feelings and feel some emotional support. Finding a stress outlet will help such as a hobby, exercise, playing a musical instrument , art and craft, writing etc as an expression of your feelings. Also join a support group. A possibility is he may be feeling neglected as your time is consumed in grieving. Do you know what support he is needing and how to do this ? Maybe if his needs are met, he may be understanding towards what you are going through. Are you able to meet these needs ? You may be too burnt out to extend your self this way. Maybe you could let him know that you want to support him the way he needs but you are burnt out and need help now. I wish you the best of luck in resolving this . Take care. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need a man not a whiny manchild.

If he can't step up then guess what? He needs to step out!

See a lawyer and check out your legal rights.

Sorry about your loss. Pity the same can't be said for your husband. He should be sorry for your loss, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Women who are financially dependent on their abusers have *no options*. Even you say in your post, 'he's the breadwinner and I'm here to support him any way I can..."

Ugh. Enough.

You've placed yourself in a subservient position to this abusive ass. Polish up your resume and start job hunting. Hopefully you haven't been out of the market too long which will make it a lot harder.

Get a job and stop being financially dependent on this assclown. There is NOTHING to be gained from subjugating yourself to him and jumping around like a trained seal because he's the 'breadwinner.' Being able to support yourself financially also gives you OPTIONS you don't have right now.

That's your FIRST order of business.

Of course the second is going to a lawyer and finding out how quickly you can remove this abusive jerk from your life.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Annecatherine said:


> My husband constantly yells at me. I've been really down lately because i'm going through some ptsd after watching my 29 year old brother suffer from Leukemia and die after only a 53 day battle in the ICU. The shock and flashbacks i'm having are really starting to now hit me hard since the rush of the funeral and everything has died down.


Brain scans show harm to the brain due to PTSD. It can be mitigated or corrected after the fact, with appropriate work.



> My husband basically tells me to suck it up and move on with life. He is going through something very major with his work and anytime i want to talk he reverts back to talking about his work problem.


PTSD alters the structure of the brain. You can't suck it up. You must immediately defend yourself.



> It's hard for me to feel bad because of what i just saw my brother go through and i'm also watching my dad die slowly with a rare disease he was diagnosed with last fall.



At the same time, there is no reason you can't sympathize with your Husband. Nothing you do takes away from what you deserve and does not support his actions.



> All i think is, "at least you're alive".. I know he needs my support. I get it, he's the breadwinner and i am here to support him anyway i can. According to him i'm not supporting him right. He gets angry with me quickly tells me i'm being selfish for grieving and that i can't change what happened.


A partner's feelings shouldn't get in the way, their should be sympathy. When children are raised like this, they learn to stop showing emotion. It is disastrous for their development.



> If i screw up or don't do something to his liking he gets right on me and tells me i'm stupid and don't pay attention. He's constantly criticizing me and bringing up all of my faults. Nothing i do is every good enough, yet every fight we have is my fault.


Again, you need to defend yourself, due to the severe trauma you went through. Part of this is not participating in any fight. It takes two to fight.




> It's gotten so bad i've withdrawn from having any feelings for him, and i have no desire to have sex or any attraction. I'm very afraid of him. I feel like i have to tip toe around him and i don't feel like i can share anything with him because all he will do is basically tell me to suck it up and act like i'm an idiot because i can't control my grief. I'm at a loss at what to do. We have 3 young children and this is my second marriage and i want to make it work. I'm so sad this is where it's at right now...


You just have to lay it out to him. You lay out the facts and you stand by them. If you argue, you weaken your position. You must seek professional help, as well.

Still, do your best to be a good wife. It is with that, that you can leverage imposing change on him. 

#1 protect your brain.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Still, do your best to be a good wife. It is with that, that you can leverage imposing change on him.


Oh HELL no, FVCK this! Did you REALLY just write this?? I am continually baffled by your "advice". This woman is being abused, she needs to GET OUT of this relationship! I cannot believe you are telling her to be a good wife to this piece of garbage! 

Annecatherine, your husband is an abusive jerk, and you need to find a way to leave him as soon as you can. No one deserves this kind of treatment.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh HELL no, FVCK this! Did you REALLY just write this??


Why do you ask rhetorical questions?



> I am continually baffled by your "advice".


Not everyone understands sound advice.



> This woman is being abused, she needs to GET OUT of this relationship! I cannot believe you are telling her to be a good wife to this piece of garbage!


There are kids involved.

There are two individuals under stress.

There is another side of the story that isn't being presented here.

My advice is for her to defend herself. If he doesn't back down, she leaves.

I advise every person to be nice to every other person. It is so much the case that I refuse to give you anywhere near the belligerent rants you give me.

The indigance that you advise will further her duress.

Relationships that have these characteristics have been saved and will continue to be.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He yells at her, insults her, disrespects her, calls her stupid...SHE IS AFRAID OF HIM! Staying in this environment is toxic. Im sorry but to me, telling someone to stay where they are being abused is just wrong.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> He yells at her, insults her, disrespects her, calls her stupid...SHE IS AFRAID OF HIM! Staying in this environment is toxic. Im sorry but to me, telling someone to stay where they are being abused is just wrong.


When a person is given advice they *WILL NOT* follow, they simply ignore the advice. 

In the interests of helping a person improve their situation, sometimes having advice other than "just get a divorce" is basically giving them something that they might feel they can action rather than absolutely nothing at all.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> He yells at her, insults her, disrespects her, calls her stupid...SHE IS AFRAID OF HIM!


It is a scenario that is exacerbated by her trauma. Otherwise, it sounds just like many other troubled marriages. 

The rhetoric you toss my way is very close to this husband's rhetoric. 

Bullies use harsh words and tone to beat others into submission. Luckily, they are words and not fists. They do it because they think they are right and that others deserve or need to feel bad. If she is empowered, she can kill the immediate response from the Amygdala.



> Staying in this environment is toxic. Im sorry but to me, telling someone to stay where they are being abused is just wrong.


You are not sorry.

There is likely room for some intervention, so that 5 lives are not utterly shattered. 

The power that she wields to stand up for herself can save her marriage and save her brain. He needs for her to stand up for herself, so that he can be saved.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain and emotional trauma you are going through. I think with three children who need their mom you need to do whatever it takes to get yourself in a better place. Counselling and medication and if you husband can not and will not support you, i would say you need to find support and comfort from someone else. A family member, friend or counsellor. You can't deal with his emotional abuse on top of your own problems. It's obvious your husband is unable to help you through this time in your life so don't rely on, but get the help you need.You need to heal yourself before you can even think of healing your marriage. Do you have anyone family that can help you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> *Why do you ask rhetorical questions?*


Yes. Why? Especially when a :wtf: where you thinking? would have sufficed.

Yeah, why not be a good wife to a scary, abusive jerk?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Brain scans show harm to the brain due to PTSD. It can be mitigated or corrected after the fact, with appropriate work.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have some appreciation for what you are trying to tell her RT. To work on things with her husband, because at some point this relationship was good and there are kids involved.

On the other hand. Speaking as someone with experience in this type of situation. Nothing changed for me until I got out. It wasn't until I left him that he could understand that I was serious. I wrote him letters, i moved out of our room, i tried to have conversations. In fact, now that I've totally given up and moved in with family, he's trying to change. It's too late for me to be able to repair the relationship, and i wish i would have left him sooner. There might have been something left to save. 

As far as getting a job being your first priority OP, my abuse was so bad that leaving had to be my first priority. Getting a job sounds great. Who do you leave the kids with? your abuser? Abusers usually isolate you first, so that you won't have anyone supportive around. And my abuser was so controlling that he simply took my paychecks. Twice i had a good job and then he would get a promotion at work, moving us to a new city and isolating me again. Once i had money saved and he sabotaged my birth control, I got pregnant and gave up on leaving. 
I had to leave before i could get a job. Consider your surroundings before you choose your priorities.

You are being abused, no question about it.
There are resources out there, many helpful links are here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. Why? Especially when a :wtf: where you thinking? would have sufficed.


I calculate my words very carefully. You have 10% of the information. Depending on the other circumstances, with proper advice and support, this could be reconcilable. It is also possible that it could not be.



> Yeah, why not be a good wife to a scary, abusive jerk?


You don't get it.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You're being selfish for grieving? Excuse me?

I suggest frying pan to the side of the head. Divorce him. But first the frying pan.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> I calculate my words very carefully. You have 10% of the information. Depending on the other circumstances, with proper advice and support, this could be reconcilable. It is also possible that it could not be.
> 
> 
> 
> You don't get it.


On the contrary. I do get it.

I, too, calculate my words very carefully.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need some distance from him. With distance can come clarity. Plus, I think you need time to grieve without someone around trying to stop you from doing so.

It would be best if he left, since it's easier to move 1 person than 4, but if he won't leave, do you have any family you can stay with who can take you and the kids?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> On the contrary. I do get it.
> 
> I, too, calculate my words very carefully.


You have no idea what logical basis my words operate from. You don't get it. Your behavior is proof of this. I understand your position, which is why I can behave calm, cool and collected.

In fact, my advice for her actions falls along the lines of standard Gottman. If she cannot do this, it might be the case that she must put her sneakers on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Annecatherine,

How did your husband treat you before your brother became ill? and before his current work stress?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> On the contrary. I do get it.
> 
> I, too, calculate my words very carefully.


MattMatt just stop. This will go nowhere. I'm addressing you because your feelings won't get hurt and you don't hurl subtle insults about how much more capable you are than most.


Anne needs to get away or he needs to leave, then she can make a decision. She is dealing with death and things might be less volatile than it seems. With them apart, she can truly assess if it is a guy being stupid or abuse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You have no idea what logical basis my words operate from. You don't get it. Your behavior is proof of this. I understand your position, which is why I can behave calm, cool and collected.
> 
> In fact, my advice for her actions falls along the lines of standard Gottman. If she cannot do this, it might be the case that she must put her sneakers on.


In my opinion it would be foolhardy to use standard relationship advice when one is dealing with an abusive spouse especially when the other partner in the relationship is already suffering from extremely significant stressors in their life.

I think that this is an ocassion when a separation may be of benefit as this could remove the heat from the situation.

This would hopefully be where counselling could be arranged both individual and couple's, to help them save their marriage or to help them move on as individuals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> MattMatt just stop. This will go nowhere. I'm addressing you because your feelings won't get hurt and you don't hurl subtle insults about how much more capable you are than most.
> 
> 
> Anne needs to get away or he needs to leave, then she can make a decision. She is dealing with death and things might be less volatile than it seems. With them apart, she can truly assess if it is a guy being stupid or abuse.


Exactly why I made the post just above this one. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> In my opinion it would be foolhardy to use standard relationship advice when one is dealing with an abusive spouse especially when the other partner in the relationship is already suffering from extremely significant stressors in their life.


"Standard" is not a very good word to use here. I advise one bit of Gottman, in this case, and I really don't see any others giving the same advice. Gottman found this particular bit out by doing research, not by theorizing. It is kind of incongruent with a lot of his basic theories/basis. It is just something that tends to work and is something we see in relationships that have hope.



> I think that this is an ocassion when a separation may be of benefit as this could remove the heat from the situation.
> 
> This would hopefully be where counselling could be arranged both individual and couple's, to help them save their marriage or to help them move on as individuals.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I favor a professional sternly telling the husband what is at stake here and how his actions will only make the situation worse. Like I said earlier, we have very little information so far, so the full answer is just not immediately obvious.


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