# Girl friend is great but not sure about her son



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I am a 40 year old male and I have been dating a wonderful woman for the just over 2 years now. She is divorced and has a 15 year old son from a previous relationship, not her marriage. The father of the 15 year old boy is not in the picture at all.

Here is my dilemma - the 15 year old boy is really troubled. He acts up in school, is nearly failing, and is disciplined regularly. He shows no interest in school or pretty much anything other than hanging with his friends and partying. This partying is further exacerbated by admitted drug use and drinking. He admitted to smoking marijuana with his friends saying he only did it "occasionally" and this includes drinking at parties as well. He also breaks rules around her home, allowing his friends to smoke cigarettes in his room when being told this is absolutely not allowed.

The other day he fell asleep at school and the teacher suspected he was high. My girlfriend grounds him and makes him stay home but he doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this. He is very unemotional and just doesn't care about anything.

I am 40 years old, never been married and I have no kids. I see this being a huge problem and it is certainly making me think twice about moving in with her. I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.

Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.


Being cautious about the climate in that house isn't being selfish, it's being prudent.

Under the circumstances, it looks like your girlfriend has enough on her plate with just raising this kid. You don't need to add to her stress by moving in and fighting with her son (because I forsee that coming by a mile). 

I think you should honestly tell her how you're feeling about this. You can't pretend this doesn't bother you, that's not going to be good for the long term. I know you probably don't want to sound like some insensitive jerk, being that this is about her kid. IMO, you won't. I think she'll appreciate your honesty if she cares for you. This is not something you're sure you want to be dealing with 24/7.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I agree with A Bit Much... It's not your role to discipline or raise her teenage son, he is nearly the age of consent and so whatever impression you have on him won't be a a parent/guardian or any kind of authority. Having you in their home takes away your role as man of your house, that has been relegated to this boy. If I were you, and I were otherwise happy with the relationship, I would maintain separate residences until her son becomes a man and moves out.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I agree with A Bit Much... It's not your role to discipline or raise her teenage son, he is nearly the age of consent and so whatever impression you have on him won't be a a parent/guardian or any kind of authority. Having you in their home takes away your role as man of your house, that has been relegated to this boy. If I were you, and I were otherwise happy with the relationship, I would maintain separate residences until her son becomes a man and moves out.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

It's not selfish at all, as others have stated. You are just at a place in your life where you know what you want, and don't want. Never having kids of your own, and then walking into a situation with a 15 year old, is like walking into a war zone. My advice is, don't do it. Be smart about moving forward with this person, if you choose to do so. As mentioned, wait until the kid is out of the house and then blend your life with hers. Good luck!


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> *I think this is the best idea, but how will she react to this? Is this a, this relationship needs to be taken to the next level or end, kind of thing. 3-4 years is a long time to make her wait if she wants it now.*


*

And by the sounds of it, it seems Corkey is really worried that 3-4 years is not a realistic time horizon if this kid doesn't sort out his issues. Could be more like 7 or 8 years if his mother allows it to go on that long. 

I know I would not tolerate it and it would bother me tremendously to have some lazy ass man-boy laying on my couch, getting high and drinking with his buddies every day.*


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> And by the sounds of it, it seems Corkey is really worried that 3-4 years is not a realistic time horizon if this kid doesn't sort out his issues. Could be more like 7 or 8 years if his mother allows it to go on that long.
> 
> I know I would not tolerate it and it would bother me tremendously to have some lazy ass man-boy laying on my couch, getting high and drinking with his buddies every day.


I too realize this, but it puts the onus of raising this teenager back onto the mom where it belongs... if she wants him to move in with her enough she will make it happen (which in this case is probably also better for the well-being of her son whom needs to start dealing with his own responsibilities). I suppose its a bit of a fitness test that Corkey is putting his GF through - because it is healthy for him to say he is not going to become something he isn't nor wants to be (a father to her son).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask.

Lon is right. Wait until he's out of the house or maybe end the relationship altogether.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Corky - It is a very difficult life changing situation you have found yourself in. It all depends on you and your GF on how you want to approach this. Although the ultimate responsibility for the child is on the mother, it is obvious that she either does not have the skills, knowledge and strength for the upbringing of the teenage son. 

Either you walk away from this challenge and break off the relationship. Stringing this along until the child moves out of the house, IMHO, is just a cop out. No matter what age the child moves out, he will be part of your GF life forever. If you don't want to deal with him at 15, you will not deal with him at 25, 35, 45... Becoming involved with a single mother is a package deal. There will be issues with mother and son for years to come.

On the otherhand, if you and your GF can come to a decision about a parenting method you both can agree upon both in discipline and becoming involved in his life, can be a very positive life-changing event for this young man. It could very well be he needs a male role model to give him guidance to become a man. Just because he is not your biological child, you certainly can be a positive influence in his life. I would greatly recommend consulting with a child psychologist to find the best approach considering his troubled lifepath right now. 

It is not being selfish, but it is a very serious situation you need to soul search and come to a decision.

best wishes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> *"It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask."*
> 
> I think sometimes, and I am saying this as a former single mother, we forget what a burden our kids can be on other people. ESPECIALLY people that we love and love us. We take for granted that they have been accepting of our "baggage" and fail to realize how hard they have to try to do that accepting.


Good point. I too have been in the position of the GF, but my kids (I have 2) weren't as troublesome as this one sounds. I let my husband decide for himself if he really and truly wanted to take us all on. I didn't want to force him into anything he wouldn't be 100% comfortable with as he had no children of his own. Moving in was something I didn't want to burden him with if he didn't feel ready for.

Things worked out for us, but this situation doesn't sound like it would have a happy ending though. My children were younger too which IMO makes a difference.


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## franf (Nov 17, 2011)

I get upset because the kid is so lazy and does nothing around the house. I know if we moved in together, I would not be holding my tongue when it comes to his lazing around. I can really foresee her son being a 25 year old, unemployed, do nothing laying on my couch and I know I do not want that.

Am I being selfish? 
-----------------------------------------
Ah, in a word, NO! You are not being selfish... you are being realistic to what is. 
When I was married I had 2 Step-Monsters. They made life a living hell and ultimately destroyed our marriage. Sir, cut your loses and RUN, run for the hills. I don't believe you are selfish but they sure are showing that attribute. 
Lastly, I can tell you from experience that being subjected to that type of thing for a prolonged period of time WILL EFFECT your health in many ways.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It bothers me that she would WANT to have Corkey move in under the circumstances. I wouldn't. That's a lot to ask.
> 
> Lon is right. Wait until he's out of the house or maybe end the relationship altogether.


And of course the other possibility is to just live well and lead her son, from a distance, by example... be true to yourself and the kid may just start to like you, or even if not he also will eventually begin to mature on his own, so maybe he will find his calling sooner rather than later.

I think the critical question to ask yourself, is why do you want to move in with her? Is it because its what she wants and you are seeking her approval, or do you think it is genuinely going to be a positive step for your relationship?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> Am I being selfish? Should I be moving in with her as she wants or should I wait? Any thoughts would be appreciated.


DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER!!

Wait until that kid is out of the house before you even consider it.

If she has a problem with that then walk away, I`m not kidding.

You move in that house with that kid and you`re asking for hell on earth.

Don`t do it...you have been warned.

Edit:

Here`s another thing.

If you think the kid is going to move out when he`s 18 you`re in a delusion.

He`ll stick around as long as mommy allows it and she`ll allow it for..possibly... ever.

Personally I`d cut my losses and move on knowing what I know now but it seems we all have to learn the hard way.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

OP in relationships we are shown things. Red flags if you will. Take this one as the gift it is... you've been 'warned' so to speak of what could come by seeing it from the outside first. You now can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

I'd be relieved I saw this first BEFORE making a deeper commitment. That way if things didn't go well, I have no one else to blame but myself for jumping in.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This kid has problems and your GF sounds like she is not addressing them. Grounding a teen does not help them with the underlying problems that are causing them to act out. He has no father in his life. This is a huge void for him. It probably makes him feel unwated, unloveable in some way because he dad doesn't care enough to have a relationship with him, and mom is ineffectual. This kid has nobody truly fighting for him in a way that will help him.

This kid needs therapy, your GF needs therapy, and you need to steer clear of this situation because he could be a problem for years to come.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Is his mother a good mother? sounds like hes been raising himself with no father figure to guide him and lead by example. 

have a talk with his mom ask her why she puts up with it?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> OP in relationships we are shown things. Red flags if you will. Take this one as the gift it is... you've been 'warned' so to speak of what could come by seeing it from the outside first. You now can make an informed decision about how to proceed.
> 
> I'd be relieved I saw this first BEFORE making a deeper commitment. That way if things didn't go well, I have no one else to blame but myself for jumping in.


:iagree:


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I had plenty of reading tonight. Many good suggestions. 

I clearly have a lot of thinking to do.


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## franf (Nov 17, 2011)

My best to you Corkey!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*And of course the other possibility is to just live well and lead her son, from a distance, by example... be true to yourself and the kid may just start to like you, or even if not he also will eventually begin to mature on his own, so maybe he will find his calling sooner rather than later.*

This is tough. I moved across the country w/ my defiant, pita, impossible to talk to son (age 15 at the time) to be with my now husband. That first year was freakin TOUGH. H offered to move out at one point... And in the GF's defense, it's not always mom "allowing" it... I know I fought that kid at every step. Dragged him to counseling, against his will...which did nothing for either of us, except maybe to show that I gave a damn. 

It was hard, on both H and I. I was stressed, embarassed even...about son's behaviors. He wasn't partying, but definitely skipping school and laying around, it was an endless struggle. There was one huge blow up, with son disrespecting me and H jumped in... it didn't get too physical (out of H's respect for me), but son kicked in the door of H's car. 

Anyway....after some time.... we convinced son that SOMETHING has got to give, that he can't be the loser on mom's couch (at age 17)...and he has to find a goal or aim, or something. I know the kid was lost, but I had to push. And H backed me up every step (something the kid's dad wouldn't do... youngest of 5 btw, so not my first rodeo) and the kid ended up joining Job Corps, for lack of anything else to do. He also got his GED, and then joined the Army. He is now 20, currently stationed in Afghanistan (home in January!)... and has since apologized to me and H, telling H that he appreciates that H didn't actually kick his a$$, even tho he knows he deserves it. 

Long story short....  H has been a positive influence on my kids...all of whom are 20-something. They see a good work ethic, respect, honesty, how to treat people you love, how to take care of your family, how to do the right thing (even when you don't want to or don't like it)..... and more. And the kids have told him this. I think just him being around has been an awesome addition to their lives, even if they don't know how much. 

Soooooooooo.... that being said, it's ok to be nervous about. It ain't for sissies! There is such a fine line you'd have to walk, and in "your own house"... you know what I mean. It would not be wrong of you to want to live apart, and increase time in her home slowly.... while dating. You can still be a sort-of family, and a cohesive group while not living there. The biggest thing is that either way, if you remain with this woman there has to be a TON of communication. SHE has to be way open to communicating about her situation also. My H did say some strong words about my son, but geez my son deserved it. I told my H that he sure is allowed to say what he needs to say, or thinks I need to hear.... even if I don't like it, or don't agree, because it helped us to stay strong together, and to present a united front. The kid now realizes that we both love him, and that when we were at what he thought was our "worst", was probably our best.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unfortunately, there would more than likely be many times, where if you became serious about your GF, she would have to make a decision, tween her son, and you----and for the most part you would probably lose

You have a huge problem, before you even start

Now a days---many kids are hard to deal with, and if you look at things realistically, what is a parent to do

If they attempt to punish---then the parent gets hit with abuse charges,---you can't not feed them, and if the kid wants to do drugs, have sex, and drink, in all reality how do you stop it

This kid at this point in his life, could give a sh*t, and his mother can't handle him----stay away---

Date her for the couple of years left, before she is no longer responsible for him, and if you 2 really fall in love---then maybe by then, he will have changed, or she will not let him stand in the way of her having a good/decent life with you

For now just date, and stay in the backround as far as the kid is concerned.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> *And of course the other possibility is to just live well and lead her son, from a distance, by example... be true to yourself and the kid may just start to like you, or even if not he also will eventually begin to mature on his own, so maybe he will find his calling sooner rather than later.*
> 
> This is tough. I moved across the country w/ my defiant, pita, impossible to talk to son (age 15 at the time) to be with my now husband. That first year was freakin TOUGH. H offered to move out at one point... And in the GF's defense, it's not always mom "allowing" it... I know I fought that kid at every step. Dragged him to counseling, against his will...which did nothing for either of us, except maybe to show that I gave a damn.
> 
> ...


That is an interesting, somewhat frightening, yet inspiring story. I am wondering how many of these types of stories actually work out so positively?


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Unfortunately, there would more than likely be many times, where if you became serious about your GF, she would have to make a decision, tween her son, and you----and for the most part you would probably lose
> 
> You have a huge problem, before you even start
> 
> ...


Yes....after reading all the replies and thinking hard about it, I think it is just better if we live apart for awhile. See how this works out after he is done high school.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> *And of course the other possibility is to just live well and lead her son, from a distance, by example... be true to yourself and the kid may just start to like you, or even if not he also will eventually begin to mature on his own, so maybe he will find his calling sooner rather than later.*
> 
> This is tough. I moved across the country w/ my defiant, pita, impossible to talk to son (age 15 at the time) to be with my now husband. That first year was freakin TOUGH. H offered to move out at one point... And in the GF's defense, it's not always mom "allowing" it... I know I fought that kid at every step. Dragged him to counseling, against his will...which did nothing for either of us, except maybe to show that I gave a damn.
> 
> ...


This is the only sane answer on this thread. The kid NEEDS a father figure/role model, it is a tough job, but someone has to do it, otherwise his delinquent ways will escalate. He has no role model in his life so he hangs with his teen buddies and they feed off each other. 

A steady yet firm guiding hand will help him, and if you aren't man enough to fill that role, then you obviously don't care enough about your GF to help her with the burden she now carries alone. 

You want her, it is a package deal, for life. The kid may or may not move out of home at 18, but ultimately, he is in her life forever already, you have to chose if you will help him in his life.

For sure, if you can do this, the rewards will be thru the roof, especially in terms of appreciation from her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*
For sure, if you can do this, the rewards will be thru the roof, especially in terms of appreciation from her. *

Absolutely!


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

You should move on.
Your girlfriend will be greatly influenced by her kid and the relationship will fall apart.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> This is the only sane answer on this thread. The kid NEEDS a father figure/role model, it is a tough job, but someone has to do it, otherwise his delinquent ways will escalate. He has no role model in his life so he hangs with his teen buddies and they feed off each other.
> 
> A steady yet firm guiding hand will help him, and if you aren't man enough to fill that role, then you obviously don't care enough about your GF to help her with the burden she now carries alone.
> 
> ...


Let me get this straight, I need to force myself on this kid to be his father figure/role model? Given that he doesn't want that, or at least has not shown an interest in this and nor has his mother for that matter, I am to thrust myself into that role even though unwanted? I guess this is really the crux of the matter - she wants me to move in but I don't think she sees me exacting any sort of change in the situation, just merely supporting her and her decisions. Frankly, if they are moving into my house, I will want a say in what goes on and how the house will be run. I will have much higher expectations of this boy then his mother has had in the past and that is where I see this whole relationship being derailed. 

If I want this to move to the next level, I do need to have a long talk with her about my expectations if/when we do move in together. Package deal or not, I am not prepared to have no say in what goes in my own home.


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> A steady yet firm guiding hand will help him, and if you aren't man enough to fill that role, then you obviously don't care enough about your GF to help her with the burden she now carries alone.


Oh please, this sounds like it came out of an episode of "Leave it Beaver" or "My Three Sons" (for those old enough to get my references). "Man enough"....yeah, let's get all macho here. We are talking about a real troubled teen here, not some well-adjusted kid. The responsibility for this dysfunction lies squarely on the mother. Why does Corkey need to inject himself into this toxic situation right at this time? Just so he can "man up" and the kid can hate him for being an a-hole? You really think he is going to stop being influenced by his friends because some guy moves in and pretends to be his dad? 

You are living a real fantasy world if you think a firm, guiding hand is going to solve this boy's problems. 

Corkey, don't move in with her. You will be miserable. Let her deal with her son as he is her problem, her responsibility. Date, have fun, it has only been a few years....if she is not happy with that, she can leave. Frankly, many guys would love having a relationship where they have their own place, some solitude, and still maintain a relationship. Enjoy the benefits of this arrangement as long as you can! 

Cheers!


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