# Sigh.... need some advice...



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So if you followed my situation... it got very confusing... years ago we had I was LD he was HD. I have anxiety, that contributed. We moved, switched roles (he stays home and works part time now) but says he is happy about it. We had a disconnect due to spending years taking care of my ill and dying parents, who we lost a year ago this month in very close timespan of each other. Anyway, so we move. I have a very stressful job, he strikes up a frienship with another woman, I get jealous, he goes on the defense, then a friend of mine confesses some BS from 11 years ago (not friends with her anymore). In the meantime, I was hitting some hormone increase and our sex life was at its best... I was finally matching his drive. It was great. Till enter other woman friend... and my insecure reaction. His reaction was with anger and defensiveness of I should trust him. We worked through that, working through reconnecting. Talked about how we could both improve on the marriage. My drive continued. I continued to give him a lot... extra things even. He treated me like an ass, and then started having performance problems. At one point claimed the "ass" treatment was based on something he read on here to get more sex, which didn't add up, and I told him it didn't add up, especially with the performance problems.
I know this is going to jump around but I am trying to bring those who dont know up to date. SO everything he asked for me to improve I have... substantially. He even says it and compliments me about it... problem, he has done peas to my apples. I get hardly anything in return. Especially when it comes to sex and affection, it's only when it's convenient for him. When he is ready to dump his load does he show me. I have told him I want to feel wanted, well he turns it on when he is ready to get it on, but in between i get nothing, no lead up nothing, and when he is ready he goes right for the jugular if you know what i mean.... to the point that now my drive has taken a nose dive... last night he made a pass and it turned me off because I don't want to just be used like that. I feel like he just wants me when he needs to blow a load instead of wanting to make love to me... does that make sense? I don't know how to fix it. I have asked for more affection, more romance, more just tokens of appeciation, notes, we do spend more quality time together, but his idea of that is playing a video game together, yesterday for the first time in a long time I felt valued by him because he asked my help with a big project... I was find leaving things at that. I did take a shower and shave and the whole time I thought about how it sucks that it is only when he is ready to blow that I get attention...... any advice??? I did make it clear I just wanted to spend time together and I did play his game with him, and then we cuddled and went to bed. I didn't want to give the duty sex, because it would've been obvious that I was not into it, especially because of the way my drive had been over the past little while but the past two weeks, waiting on him, and noticing a decrease in his intensity of attraction and desire towards me over time.... its a turnoff.
Also the perfomance problems, he made it clear he had no idea what was causing it, said it wasn't me, and then made sure to show me over the next couple days how he still gets hard thinking about me, seeing me naked etc... but he doesn't get as hard as before, it's noticable. I can feel the difference, see the difference. I understand he is 35 so that may play a part, he has yet to set a doctor appointment, denial maybe, but am I in the wrong to feel the way I feel at this point? Is it because of being rejected that I feel this way?
Do I just like everything else let it go.... try to improve it? Or just take what I can get and let him come around? I don't however want him to think I am okay with this. And talking, he doesn't like that... 
Everytime I initiate a conversation it's like he feels that he has done something wrong and I do use I feel statements and do not attack him... etc.... 
I've tried all sorts of things. I have lost weight, I have dressed up, new positions, more blow jobs... extra special treatment, compliments, gifts, all the different love languages because his test came back all over the board, not just one language was prominent. HELP!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

35 is no age. Doctor's appointment is a must.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

And if he doesn't do that?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

In the meantime.... his drive down, do I just accept it, and take what i can get?


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> In the meantime.... his drive down, do I just accept it, and take what i can get?


Isn't that what he did when you were LD?

There is no reason you can not work on your relationship in the mean while. Sex and the quality of your relationship tend to go hand in hand. Atleast in my experience. 

-MWD


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MWD said:


> Isn't that what he did when you were LD?
> 
> There is no reason you can not work on your relationship in the mean while. Sex and the quality of your relationship tend to go hand in hand. Atleast in my experience.
> 
> -MWD


I don't recall however making him feel like "nothing" in between time... I still showed attention, affection and love, etc... he is just kind of dry in between which makes it hard now that my drive is down due to the stress of all of it, for me to just be ready to go when he expects me to. So frustrating. I had an intense drive for months and got no response, or rejection, or was unable to please him, all turnoffs, and mentally exhausted me and made me feel unattractive and unwanted, undesired by him....over the past month was even more so... so my drive now is mental. I guess now I need to go back to the things I used to do in my LD days to get in the mood myself just for his needs..... sucks.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hey hon, I'm assuming there are NO meds interfering with his drive, right? My husband is 31 and his drive is low as well now. He attributes it to the meds his doctor has him on. HOWEVER, he's going to the primary doctor asap to get his testosterone checked... if for no other reason than to rule it out. I have noticed that he doesn't get AS hard as well. I know he is still attracted tho, that much I can see/tell! Also, he has had trouble finishing the last week or so, which pisses him off even more. So, he would rather check everything out than having to deal with performance issues all the time. I have been told my quite a few people... this is WAY too young to be going thru this! Yes, I get the pride thing, but there could be something seriously MEDICALLY wrong, causing the problem... it needs to be checked. If for no other reason than to be sure there is no underlying health concern.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Well I backed off on him, quit initiating after a conversation about it, and decided to let him come to me, because of the performance issue, after posting on here, and some mentioned "anxiety" after the first time it happens. The last couple times we have had relations he has been able to complete, but again, not as hard, not as passionate, and he used to be at me all the time for sex, it just suddenly stopped (and this was right when my drive picked up) it was most bizzare of timing actually which is what caused my anxiety to go haywire combined with the other relationship problems we were having. We are working on things. And when he mentioned the doctor that was all it was, a mention, he is working out, he is healthy, no meds to cause any issues, first blamed it on my initiating more, then blamed it on stress, then finally said I don't know what it is... so that is when I said I will back off, and I have.... so actually talking thru this with you guys I realize that I need to get over it and find my desire again... it's just so hard after pushing it away and pushing it away.... and giving him what he wants when he wants it. (Which even when I was LD I was nowhere like some of the men on here mention their wives are, still had sex 1-2 times a week, just kinda fell into the duty sex roll, not really into it, didn't go the extra mile, that kindo of LD and he wanted every day so he did get some rejection... and he always asked for Bjs, which I didn't do until getting on here and reading of the importance) He has in the last several months now gotten them consistently as he wants them or even unpromoted, but I even backed off of that over the last month because I thought maybe I was doing that too much and taking away his desire to want the "Real" me. I don't know... just in a rut I guess... and wanting to get out of it faster than we are. We have made progress in other areas... 
Spending more quality time together, having fun together, flirting here and there, but for him, he only does it when he wants something.... prime example, I asked him to communicate with me more during the day when he is at work, like send me a sexy or sweet text just to say hi.... a whole week goes by and he doesn't do it. One night he calls and texts to say hi. I am thinking oh great, we are gonna have a good night.... no, he came home and wanted to know if he could get on the video game with his friends so he was basicly putting in deposits to withdrawl selfish things. :/
Whereas all my deposits have been simply to build up our relationship, get my husband back.... maybe some selfish motives of feeling wanted again, like truely wanted, not just because he needs to get off... kwim?


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I don't recall however making him feel like "nothing" in between time... I still showed attention, affection and love, etc... he is just kind of dry in between which makes it hard now that my drive is down due to the stress of all of it, for me to just be ready to go when he expects me to. So frustrating. I had an intense drive for months and got no response, or rejection, or was unable to please him, all turnoffs, and mentally exhausted me and made me feel unattractive and unwanted, undesired by him....over the past month was even more so... so my drive now is mental. I guess now I need to go back to the things I used to do in my LD days to get in the mood myself just for his needs..... sucks.


Did you ask him how you made him feel? As is often pointed out on this forum, men and women are very different. I wouldn't say that I feel like "nothing" when my SO has not been in the mood, but I certainly do not feel good about it. It made me feel unwanted, undesired, and alone. I never volunteered that information to my SO, but I do know that she never asked, only felt that if she wasn't in the mood, I should respect that and leave her alone. I looked at it as 'she doesn't want me, so I must have done something wrong' or that her feelings for me had changed. I certainly never talked to her about that because that is not what most men do. 

Do not try to guess what is going on in his mind. Just as him trying to guess what is going on in yours, you will probably end up wrong and frustrated. 

Your best course is to work on your communication and spend a lot of time relating with each other. If he is putting off seeing a MD, tell him how important it is to you and ask him if it is important to him that you two get back on track sexually. If he brings up your period of LD, just let him know that you have more tools and maturity at your arsenal now and want neither of you to go through mismatched drives again. 

-MWD


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

Oh yeah, go see a marital counselor. If he objects or asks why, just tell him that you love him and want to make what is good, even better, and what is not so good, better. Then ask him if that is what he wants. I doubt he will say no. 

-MWD


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MWD: He doesn't bring up my period of LD, I mention it because I think history is important. I have asked him how he felt, he told me he felt that I wasn't attracted to him anymore, I explained that is how I feel now. We didnt' discuss it then, because we still had a normal sex life, he just wanted more, and expressed that. Now we do communicate a bit more about sex, what we like and dislike, issues, etc, but there are times i can tell he doesn't want to talk about things any more and I get tired of being the one to bring it up all the time... like right now. Again it would be me to bring up an "issue".... how I have a feeling problem, he isn't one to openly bring something up when he is feeling a certain way... so that is a challenge. What you described, the unattractive, unwanted, undesired, is what makes me feel like (okay maybe nothing wasn't the right word) "just a friend" or a "roomate" is a better choice to him, until he wants something. Then he instead of being subtle or nice, pinches my breasts or grabs my crotch... not even a hint of romance... the only thing I asked for in all our marriage workings... I can't get. Just a little lead up, so I can enjoy the encounter, otherwise it does turn into duty sex, just for him. and we are back into the habit we were in before... does that make sense? And all the efforts I did for the last year of increasing my libido, losing weight (didn't need to lose much, only 15lbs) getting more creative in the bedroom, figuring out my own sexual needs, etc... have been I feel, for nothing..... I guess that is why I said nothing... because that is how i feel sometimes.

ETA: I talked to him, told him how I was feeling... he told me he is working on it, much like I did before, and to stop overthinking things and just let go..... I did... happy satisfied sigh... that he wanted it bad and I should be thankful he was showing it regardless of how, but that he understood I needed it shown in different ways as well.... thanks for the manly point of view


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