# Looking for advise



## Silo

Hi!

I'm Silo. I've been married 9 years this November and have been with the same man for over 12 years. I'm working towards my computer science degree while currently working in a software related field. 

The reason I joined is because I've recently hit a pretty big speed bump in my marriage, and I'm hoping to find someone who has had a similar experience to see how they handled it.

My husband and I met in college and married 3 years later. We were each other's "firsts" and we never really dated anyone else before each other. We don't really argue, and when we do we are quick to make up and forgive each other. We spent the past 12 years as each other's best friends and closest companion.

Recently (like the past week) my husband informed me that he feels that he needs to experience what it's like to date someone else. Because we never dated others before we married, he feels this is an experience he may regret having, and would like to pursue it to see where it goes. We've talked at length about it and have been completely open and honest with each other. He has told me he still loves and is in love with me, but this is a curiosity that has been nagging at him, and he is worried if he doesn't pursue it, he may come to resent me or our marriage in the future. He insists that it's not a problem with us, and there's nothing about me that has caused this. He does not want to separate or divorce, and is hoping that this will satisfy his curiosity so that he can appreciate what we have even more. He also encouraged me to try this, as he feels it would benefit me as well.

This came as a pretty big hit to me and I've been struggling with it emotionally. I am not nor have I ever desired to be with anyone other than my husband romantically.

It doesn't help that he admitted (long before this), that he was attracted to one of his female friends. She is also a friend of mine and I trust them both not to do anything with each other unless I'm okay with it, but it still causes a monstrous wave of jealousy for me when it seems like he's more excited to talk to and be around her than me. I've told him this as well. 

He's been very regretful and has apologized for the upset that he has caused with this, but his desire to go through with this is still there. We have discussed what this would look like, and he describes it as 'casual' - meaning he does not intend to go looking for a girlfriend. Still, that's not a guarantee that he won't want one if he connects romantically with someone else in this experiment.

Intellectually I can understand his desire to do this and can even see some logic in it, but emotionally I'm floored and the mere thought of it devastates me. 

We have discussed counseling, but because he doesn't believe there is really a problem with our marriage, he didn't really think there would be much benefit to us there. 

A bit heavy for an introduction - but I couldn't post in other forums yet - it said I didn't have the privileges. I'm hoping there may be someone here who has gone through something similar who can offer advice or tell me how they handled their situation. Any ideas at this point would be great.


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## Rob_1

My lord OP. Please, don't tell me that you as an adult individual at this stage you're lacking self respect and suffering from low self esteem, because that is the only reason why any one would put up with such disrespect toward YOU, and the marriage 

Your husband is acting as such a duchebag, being a complete *******, and a pathetic piece if **** to tell you in your FACE, that he wants to **** around just because he never did it with someone else?

Why haven't you tell him that he can go and **** as many as he wants but as a STBXH (soon to be ex-husband)and mean it. 

kick him to the curb or tell him that you are lining up the guys that you want to **** while he is looking for sex with someone else. See how's he takes it.

Remember: you would have a whole lot of easier time getting someone for sex faster than he would.


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## Violet28

Silo said:


> My husband and I met in college and married 3 years later. We were each other's "firsts" and we never really dated anyone else before each other. We don't really argue, and when we do we are quick to make up and forgive each other. We spent the past 12 years as each other's best friends and closest companion.


This sounds like a happy and fulfilling marriage.



Silo said:


> Recently (like the past week) my husband informed me that he feels that he needs to experience what it's like to date someone else.


I would inform him that married people don't 'date' other people.



Silo said:


> *Because we never dated others before we married, he feels this is an experience he may regret having, and would like to pursue it to see where it goes.*


Dating leads to marriage and he is already married. 



Silo said:


> We've talked at length about it and have been completely open and honest with each other.


You sound like a loving and supportive wife as he is able to be open and honest about this desire with you. 




Silo said:


> *He has told me he still loves and is in love with me but this is a curiosity that has been nagging at him,* and he is worried if he doesn't pursue it, *he may come to resent me or our marriage in the future*. He insists that it's not a problem with us, and there's nothing about me that has caused this.


Married men in love do not want their wives to try dating other people. The talk of resentment is a threat so you agree to his unreasonable demand. Does any of this sound f'ed up to you? He needs to cheat on you so that his lack of cheating on you does not threaten your marriage someday?



Silo said:


> He does not want to separate or divorce, and is hoping that this will satisfy his curiosity so that he can appreciate what we have even more. He also encouraged me to try this, as he feels it would benefit me as well.


When he married you, he vowed to be with you alone, correct? He knows this and feels guilty about wanting to sleep around so he is asking you to betray your vows so he feels better about betraying his. I'd ask him how exactly it would benefit you. Making him a better husband or lover? There are many ways to do this and cheating is not one of them.



Silo said:


> This came as a pretty big hit to me and I've been struggling with it emotionally. I am not nor have I ever desired to be with anyone other than my husband romantically.


Of course it did! Your husband is asking permission to cheat on you, not only physically cheat but emotionally as well by 'dating'.



Silo said:


> It doesn't help that he admitted (long before this), that he was attracted to one of his female friends. She is also a friend of mine and I trust them both not to do anything with each other unless I'm okay with it, but it still causes a monstrous wave of jealousy for me when it seems like he's more excited to talk to and be around her than me. *I've told him this as well*.


If your feelings mattered to him more than his physical desire for another woman, he would stop doing this.



Silo said:


> *He's been very regretful* and has apologized for the upset that he has caused with this, but his desire to go through with this is still there. We have discussed what this would look like, and he describes it as 'casual' - meaning he does not intend to go looking for a girlfriend. Still, that's not a guarantee that he won't want one if he connects romantically with someone else in this experiment.


Not regretful enough to withdraw the proposition. He would risk what you have for a 'casual' f***.



Silo said:


> Intellectually I can understand his desire to do this and can even see some logic in it, but emotionally I'm floored and the mere thought of it devastates me.


Sweetheart, there is no logic to this and please don't validate his outlandish request by saying so. The fact that it devastates you is proof that it is illogical. It is unnatural to want to share our mate with another person, asking you to agree to this is an affront to reason and to common decency of how you treat your spouse. 



Silo said:


> We have discussed counseling, but because he doesn't believe there is really a problem with our marriage, he didn't really think there would be much benefit to us there.
> 
> A bit heavy for an introduction - but I couldn't post in other forums yet - it said I didn't have the privileges. I'm hoping there may be someone here who has gone through something similar who can offer advice or tell me how they handled their situation. Any ideas at this point would be great.


You could give him two options, counseling or a divorce attorney. If he goes through with this, do not be waiting for him to come home when he is done. This is disrespectful to you, your vows, your relationship. He is being selfish, this is not a reasonable proposition. He is trying to put some sort of spin on the fact that he wants to f*** around you. You need to make clear to him that this is not an option, it's either you or everyone else in the world, not both.


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## Mr.Married

Silo, 

Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds pretty dreadful. My wife and I married very young and were each others first. We each had almost zero sexual experience. I've wondered what it would
be like to be with another woman as I'm sure she has likely wondered what it would be like with another man....that only makes us human. The difference here is that I would never act on this out
of respect for my wife, myself, my kids, and my marriage. The whole BS about about resentment is just plain disrespectful. Dating and casual sex are for single people or marriages where that prospect
is supported by both of the union (but often fails in the end). Intellectually I'm sure my wife would understand that as a man this passes my mind at times.......and she's also able to understand that she
should kick me to the curb if I ever acted on it!

I would suggest that you in no way, shape, form, or fashion give him any idea or thought that you might actually allow this...ever! Let him know you can see an attorney if he wants to be single again.
If you allow this to take place you will lose all your power in the relationship and that special union of trust with him. Single ways are for single people.


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## Andy1001

It appears that rather than date someone new,your husband has a strong attraction to your friend.
If you suggested that she was “off the table” how would he react?
This will not end well,he is basically asking for permission to cheat.


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## Mr.Married

Andy1001 said:


> It appears that rather than date someone new,your husband has a strong attraction to your friend.
> If you suggested that she was “off the table” how would he react?
> This will not end well,he is basically asking for permission to cheat.


Agreed. 

It's too bad her husband is so disrespectful that she even has to verbalize that.

Commitment should be something that doesn't need discussion. It's something that is inherently understood.


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## FalCod

He's married. He can't temporarily un-marry. This is headed for disaster. If I were in your shoes, I would make it clear to him that no romantic entanglement with any other woman is ever acceptable and could easily lead to the destruction of your marriage. 

It's regrettable that he doesn't feel like he had the chance to date other people, but that's in the past. He has to live in the present. It's not a good reason to destroy his marriage. It's logically like someone who didn't get enough time to play around before having children saying they are going to abandon their children so that they can feel what life is like as an adult without children. He created a marriage. It's done. Be married or be divorced, but there isn't a good option for being married but dating other people (unless you are both into that sort of thing, in which case I don't understand your world at all).


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## aine

Silo said:


> Hi!
> 
> I'm Silo. I've been married 9 years this November and have been with the same man for over 12 years. I'm working towards my computer science degree while currently working in a software related field.
> 
> The reason I joined is because I've recently hit a pretty big speed bump in my marriage, and I'm hoping to find someone who has had a similar experience to see how they handled it.
> 
> My husband and I met in college and married 3 years later. We were each other's "firsts" and we never really dated anyone else before each other. We don't really argue, and when we do we are quick to make up and forgive each other. We spent the past 12 years as each other's best friends and closest companion.
> 
> Recently (like the past week) my husband informed me that he feels that he needs to experience what it's like to date someone else. Because we never dated others before we married, he feels this is an experience he may regret having, and would like to pursue it to see where it goes. We've talked at length about it and have been completely open and honest with each other. He has told me he still loves and is in love with me, but this is a curiosity that has been nagging at him, and he is worried if he doesn't pursue it, he may come to resent me or our marriage in the future. He insists that it's not a problem with us, and there's nothing about me that has caused this. He does not want to separate or divorce, and is hoping that this will satisfy his curiosity so that he can appreciate what we have even more. He also encouraged me to try this, as he feels it would benefit me as well.
> 
> This came as a pretty big hit to me and I've been struggling with it emotionally. I am not nor have I ever desired to be with anyone other than my husband romantically.
> 
> It doesn't help that he admitted (long before this), that he was attracted to one of his female friends. She is also a friend of mine and I trust them both not to do anything with each other unless I'm okay with it, but it still causes a monstrous wave of jealousy for me when it seems like he's more excited to talk to and be around her than me. I've told him this as well.
> 
> He's been very regretful and has apologized for the upset that he has caused with this, but his desire to go through with this is still there. We have discussed what this would look like, and he describes it as 'casual' - meaning he does not intend to go looking for a girlfriend. Still, that's not a guarantee that he won't want one if he connects romantically with someone else in this experiment.
> 
> Intellectually I can understand his desire to do this and can even see some logic in it, but emotionally I'm floored and the mere thought of it devastates me.
> 
> We have discussed counseling, but because he doesn't believe there is really a problem with our marriage, he didn't really think there would be much benefit to us there.
> 
> A bit heavy for an introduction - but I couldn't post in other forums yet - it said I didn't have the privileges. I'm hoping there may be someone here who has gone through something similar who can offer advice or tell me how they handled their situation. Any ideas at this point would be great.


Silo, so sorry this is happening to you. Your H is talking a load of BS. He gets a taste of this, then the boundaries are crossed, what will it be next? He has no idea what he is about to do to his marriage and to you, all for his own selfish desires.
In fact it is highly likely he may have already crossed the boundary and slept with that friend and is now trying to 'make it right' with this BS story. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
Any POS man who would spring this on his wife in such a short marriage is not worth a dime. I would consider turning the tables on him completely.

This is no doubt devastating to you. Best thing is to play him at his own game. Tell him he can do whatever the hell he wants, but once he crosses the line there is no going back for you, the marriage is over. Stand firm girl, you give into this, what will it be next? Tell him if he values the marriage so little, then there is no point in being in it and you do not want to be with a man who will emotionally and physically cheat on you expecting you to green light it too. 
For when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I would go see a lawyer, see what your options are and have papers drawn up.
No more discussion, tell a close friend/sibling what is going on, ask them to support you in following through. 
Ask him to move out now, you will not put up with this ****
Get the divorce papers and give them to him
His response will tell you all you need to know
If he uses it as a get out of the marriage ticket then you are better off without him.
You do not want spending the rest of your life wondering what he is up to, is he cheating behind your back etc.
You sound young, you can do better than him. 
Finally, I think he has already cheated with that work friend, he is just using this as a smoke screen to get the go ahead to continue having an affair. Investigate, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Show him that is not on.


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## SunCMars

Silo said:


> *Intellectually I can understand his desire to do this and can even see some logic in it, but emotionally I'm floored and the mere thought of it devastates me.
> *


This is an passionate emotional exercise [on his part] that masks itself as an intellectual exercise.
Intellectually, almost anything makes sense.
If one can step back and remove emotions all life makes 'sense'.

There is nothing new under the sun. 

But we are not robots. While we are programmable, tell that to your aching heart.
It does not listen to logic...

It was programmed by some greater good to sustain us when bad code is inserted.

This stable good code is our BIOS, is a permanent code of decency.

Your husband is a skimmer, a surface dweller, not deep.

He now suffers from ILYBANILWY. 
He loves you but is not in love with you.
He cannot be.

He is shallow.

If he is, indeed, deep he has swum away. 

As others have said he likely is already in love with another. 

He is asking you if it is alright if he can dive off the cliff into the deep warm water below.
He already made the leap.


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## Spicy

I’m sorry that your husband is having an affair with your friend.


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## Evinrude58

Silo said:


> Hi!
> 
> I'm Silo. I've been married 9 years this November and have been with the same man for over 12 years. I'm working towards my computer science degree while currently working in a software related field.
> 
> The reason I joined is because I've recently hit a pretty big speed bump in my marriage, and I'm hoping to find someone who has had a similar experience to see how they handled it.
> 
> My husband and I met in college and married 3 years later. We were each other's "firsts" and we never really dated anyone else before each other. We don't really argue, and when we do we are quick to make up and forgive each other. We spent the past 12 years as each other's best friends and closest companion.
> 
> Recently (like the past week) my husband informed me that he feels that he needs to experience what it's like to date someone else. (he has the other person already picked out and is having sex with herBecause we never dated others before we married, he feels this is an experience he may regret having, and would like to pursue it to see where it goes.no, he’s already pursuing it We've talked at length about it and have been completely open and honest with each other. youre naiveHe has told me he still loves and is in love with me, but this is a curiosity that has been nagging at him, and he is worried if he doesn't pursue it, he may come to resent me or our marriage in the future. He insists that it's not a problem with us, and there's nothing about me that has caused this. He does not want to separate or divorce, and is hoping that this will satisfy his curiosity so that he can appreciate what we have even more.he wants a big add piece of cake He also encouraged me to try this, as he feels it would benefit me as well.yeah, so he wouldn’t feel so badly about cheating if he can blame you for it
> 
> This came as a pretty big hit to me and I've been struggling with it emotionally. I am not nor have I ever desired to be with anyone other than my husband romantically.
> 
> It doesn't help that he admitted (long before this), that he was attracted to one of his female friends. She is also a friend of mine and I trust them both not to do anything with each other no, you’re REALLY naiveunless I'm okay with it, but it still causes a monstrous wave of jealousy for me when it seems like he's more excited to talk to and be around her than me. I've told him this as well.
> 
> He's been very regretful and has apologized for the upset that he has caused with this, but his desire to go through with this is still there.hes not regretful, he’s upset he can’t spend more time banging her because he’s married We have discussed what this would look like, and he describes it as 'casual' - meaning he does not intend to go looking for a girlfriend.oh my gosh, did he really say that? He must think you’re an idiot. Please divorce this chump Still, that's not a guarantee that he won't want one if he connects romantically with someone else in this experiment.
> 
> Intellectually I can understand his desire to do this and can even see some logic in it, but emotionally I'm floored and the mere thought of it devastates me.
> 
> We have discussed counseling, but because he doesn't believe there is really a problem with our marriage, he didn't really think there would be much benefit to us there.
> 
> A bit heavy for an introduction - but I couldn't post in other forums yet - it said I didn't have the privileges. I'm hoping there may be someone here who has gone through something similar who can offer advice or tell me how they handled their situation. Any ideas at this point would be great.


You have let this husband of yours make you crazy. It sounds like you’ve been brainwashed.

Your husband apparently has convinced you he’s a great guy and that cheating on you is a great thing.

He is NOT in love with you, or you’d be all he wanted, and he’d NEVER let you have sex or a relationship with another man.

Just my opinion.


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## Annabegins

Spicy said:


> I’m sorry that your husband is having an affair with your friend.


My thought exactly. Sounds like he may already have something going on with this friend and is looking for a way to continue with your permission so he doesn’t have to feel so guilty. Sorry OP. This sucks.


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## rv10flyer

Like several posters above said and from my experience...HE HAS ALREADY CHEATED ON YOU AND JUST WANTS TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT. Most likely with your friend. You can either get solid proof and divorce or just file now. Either way, he will not change until he decides to be a man with some INTEGRITY. That takes a lot of time, hard work and lower testosterone levels for some of us. 

If you stay with him, you will be the one with the most resentment down the road. Good luck.


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## jorgegene

grown, mature men don't equivocate or negate their life decisions when those decisions involve another person.

mature men carefully make their decisions and then take the good and bad results like a man.

real men don't go back on their marriage vows. real men don't suddenly decide they don't want to be married.

I always thought the 'what would dating be like?' thing to be so superficial and hollow.

this guys should be reveling in the fact that you found each other so young and relatively innocent and free of the baggage that comes from many multiple partners and relationships.
in my humble opinion there should be romanticism and joy that comes from youthful forever love that can't be replaced by something else.
it's 'society' that tells him the pastures out there must be greener. wanna bet?

he needs a good counselor to get his mind straight and realize what's really valuable in this world.


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## Evinrude58

He’s just wanting permission to have an affair. Simple.


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## uhtred

Unless other arrangements have been made, marriage includes an exclusive sex life with your spouse. 

If he wants to spice up his sex life he should be doing that with *you*. There is nothing wrong with wanting some sexual adventures - with the person you married.


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## BluesPower

aine said:


> For when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I would go see a lawyer, see what your options are and have papers drawn up.
> 
> Finally, I think he has already cheated with that work friend, he is just using this as a smoke screen to get the go ahead to continue having an affair. Investigate, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Show him that is not on.


 @aine is totally correct. He IS having an affair. And what is more, he is stupid. 

Why does he think that you are stupid enough to agree to any of this?

Dear, just file for divorce, and move on. There is not really anything to save here. 

He has already cheated, I am betting with more that one woman and your friend, and he is feeding you a load of crap...

Just move on...


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## sunsetmist

You have multiple, similar suggestions. BELIEVE them. His so-called curiosity is stronger than his love for you--so telling.

If you met in college, surely there was some dating before that. Now he wants more sexual variety.

I rarely suggest this, but I'd be inclined to ask for a poly to elucidate his crap.

He is not the person you think he is! He has consciously trampled on your feelings and trust.

I'd like to beat him about the head and shoulders and in a few more vulnerable places as well. He is a FOOL.


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## MaiChi

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s just wanting permission to have an affair. Simple.


And when things go wrong (which he already knows they will) he will blame her for giving him permission in the first place. 

Not many spouses will stand there and tell the other that it would benefit them to try other people too like they are thinking to do. Just knowing your spouse is thinking like that should disturb you like it has.


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## happiness27

Silo said:


> Hi!
> 
> I'm Silo. I've been married 9 years this November and have been with the same man for over 12 years. I'm working towards my computer science degree while currently working in a software related field.
> 
> The reason I joined is because I've recently hit a pretty big speed bump in my marriage, and I'm hoping to find someone who has had a similar experience to see how they handled it.
> 
> My husband and I met in college and married 3 years later. We were each other's "firsts" and we never really dated anyone else before each other. We don't really argue, and when we do we are quick to make up and forgive each other. We spent the past 12 years as each other's best friends and closest companion.
> 
> Recently (like the past week) my husband informed me that he feels that he needs to experience what it's like to date someone else. Because we never dated others before we married, he feels this is an experience he may regret having, and would like to pursue it to see where it goes. We've talked at length about it and have been completely open and honest with each other. He has told me he still loves and is in love with me, but this is a curiosity that has been nagging at him, and he is worried if he doesn't pursue it, he may come to resent me or our marriage in the future. He insists that it's not a problem with us, and there's nothing about me that has caused this. He does not want to separate or divorce, and is hoping that this will satisfy his curiosity so that he can appreciate what we have even more. He also encouraged me to try this, as he feels it would benefit me as well.
> 
> This came as a pretty big hit to me and I've been struggling with it emotionally. I am not nor have I ever desired to be with anyone other than my husband romantically.
> 
> It doesn't help that he admitted (long before this), that he was attracted to one of his female friends. She is also a friend of mine and I trust them both not to do anything with each other unless I'm okay with it, but it still causes a monstrous wave of jealousy for me when it seems like he's more excited to talk to and be around her than me. I've told him this as well.
> 
> He's been very regretful and has apologized for the upset that he has caused with this, but his desire to go through with this is still there. We have discussed what this would look like, and he describes it as 'casual' - meaning he does not intend to go looking for a girlfriend. Still, that's not a guarantee that he won't want one if he connects romantically with someone else in this experiment.
> 
> Intellectually I can understand his desire to do this and can even see some logic in it, but emotionally I'm floored and the mere thought of it devastates me.
> 
> We have discussed counseling, but because he doesn't believe there is really a problem with our marriage, he didn't really think there would be much benefit to us there.
> 
> A bit heavy for an introduction - but I couldn't post in other forums yet - it said I didn't have the privileges. I'm hoping there may be someone here who has gone through something similar who can offer advice or tell me how they handled their situation. Any ideas at this point would be great.


There is no agreement about "dating" other people unless there is enthusiastic agreement between both partners. Some marriages do have "open" arrangements or couples who decide to swing with other couples. Again, it's only by enthusiastic agreement between both partners that these alternatives would work.

Getting enamored with other possible sex partners is something that can and does happen to people in married relationships. I think I wrote this someplace else on TAM but affairs are fairytales - so the proper name for them should be: Affairytales. They are fake happiness that one imagines to be great - but in the end - they vaporize and leave a trail of debris. 

Thinking the fantasy all the way through, including the details of the physical diseases one gets exposed to - and exposes one's spouse to must be a part of the risk assessment.

I feel for you. I'm not going to tell you how to handle your own relationship - but I do know the pain of what you are going through.


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## Diana7

Like others here I suspect that he has already cheated and wants to try and 'justify' what he did, or at the least has another woman he is interested in cheating with. Obviously he doesn't value faithfulness or keeping the vows he made, so what else is there?

Sadly for you, he isn't good husband material and what he is doing and feeling is NOT logical. This idea that men must 'sow their wild oats' before they settle down is nonsense. He is trying to make you believe that once he has done this he will then happily settle down with you again and be faithful, nope. He will want to do it again and again because he has no integrity. 

I am sure you are devastated, but PLEASE don't go along with this, you will deeply regret it. Give him the choice, be faithful to you or leave. 
Thankfully it sounds as if you are still young and have no children as yet, don't settle for second best with a man who treats you this way and will make your life miserable, never being able to trust him.


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## BigToe

Forget the logic, it's not logic that is driving him, it is lust for your common friend. The problem with your logic is that he will never be "satisfied" because sex with the person you LOVE is what makes sex satisfying. Without love, sex is just a moment's pleasure, a physical release, that doesn't satisfy the "chasing" neurons in a man's brain. And because it's not satisfying without love, you always end up chasing something different in a vain attempt to find that elusive satisfaction. I want to try one with bigger tits. I want to try one with smaller tits. I want to try an older one. I want to try a younger one. A professional...a sl*t...a peer...a blonde, a brunette, no wait...a redhead. When all is said and done, vagina's are all the same and that's the problem. LOVE and emotional intimacy is the "glue" that makes 50 years of the same vagina still exciting to rise to the occasion for. 

May I also add, you need a heart to heart talk and get him to dump the girl "friends". Married men do not need female "friends". They rarely serve a purpose in that role and 99.99999% of the time a man has a female "friend" it is because he sees her as "potential". Guys are just wired that way. Trust me.


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## turnera

Silo, 40 years ago, I told my husband that if I ever caught him cheating, I would disappear and he would never see me again. It is that black and white. He recently told me that the main reason he never took advantage of the many opportunities he's had to cheat is because of that one comment.

You simply have to know what you will and won't accept. And you have to be able to let him go if he feels he needs more. Period. YOU have value and if he no longer sees that value cos he takes you for granted, well, then he loses you. It's not a great situation, but it's the only one that will give you self respect in the long run. Plus, being that firm will help him learn to respect you again.


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## happiness27

BigToe said:


> Forget the logic, it's not logic that is driving him, it is lust for your common friend. The problem with your logic is that he will never be "satisfied" because sex with the person you LOVE is what makes sex satisfying. Without love, sex is just a moment's pleasure, a physical release, that doesn't satisfy the "chasing" neurons in a man's brain. And because it's not satisfying without love, you always end up chasing something different in a vain attempt to find that elusive satisfaction. I want to try one with bigger tits. I want to try one with smaller tits. I want to try an older one. I want to try a younger one. A professional...a sl*t...a peer...a blonde, a brunette, no wait...a redhead. When all is said and done, vagina's are all the same and that's the problem. LOVE and emotional intimacy is the "glue" that makes 50 years of the same vagina still exciting to rise to the occasion for.
> 
> May I also add, you need a heart to heart talk and get him to dump the girl "friends". Married men do not need female "friends". They rarely serve a purpose in that role and 99.99999% of the time a man has a female "friend" it is because he sees her as "potential". Guys are just wired that way. Trust me.


Well said.


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## frusdil

Oh. Hell. No.


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## aine

Silo, how are ?


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## Beach123

Why aren't you telling him NO?!!

He married you! Those are VOWS he should be taking seriously!

He's manipulating you so he can cheat - don't agree to that!!!!

If that's what he wants - divorce him first. He can cheat after the divorce is set to finalize.

I think he's a douche bag! Stop making it easy for him to be a jerk to you.


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## EveningThoughts

Welcome Silo

I understand your husband's feelings as I have also felt them during my marriage. But in my case there was no other person that I was attracted to and there never has been.

So in your husbands case which came first? The idea of exploring or the attraction to your friend?

Like has been said, if he was told that your friend was not to be part of his exploring, would he still want to open the marriage?

I don't think he is being disrespectful by talking to you about his feelings and urges, as you are his wife and shouldn't be kept in the dark. 
He is disrespectful if he tries to act on those urges or push you to agree to this when you don't want to.

You won't find many people on here in an open marriage but you will find many who have been cheated on. The advice will reflect that.

Basically if you are not happy, you need to tell him clearly and loudly that it's a firm no from you. Yes he might be resentful for awhile. 

Your feelings matter, as do his. Neither of you are wrong for having feelings or urges and many couples do explore (swinging, BDSM, poly) but if it's just permission to cheat then that's something else.

Stay strong

Eve


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## notmyrealname4

Silo,


Just the fact that he would even*suggest* this,means you shouldn't be married to him anymore.

What a song and dance he's putting on. He doesn't care enough about you to want to remain faithful; and to give you a further slap in the face, he wants to fook your "friend". Are you sure she's your friend?

And, as stated upthread, men and women shouldn't have "friends" of the opposite sex after marriage. The exception is if they are friends to *both* of you; or, obviously, a family member. I know that sounds archaic; but there is so much truth in it.

I couldn't stay with someone who requested this of me. I don't think there's anything to discuss. He wants to screw around; and then if he's not getting all the action that he thought he would; he wants you to still be there to provide him with a soft landing.


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## Dusk

When you choose one thing, you give up others. No-one gets everything they want. 

I’m my husband’s first and only partner. I have no doubt he would probably like to have had more experiences, but he could have chosen that instead of marrying me. 

Why should he resent you/your marriage for his free choice? He’s really reaching for justification here. 

Plenty of people have successful non-monogamous relationships. Plenty crash and burn, as do monogamous ones. I don’t think a non-monogamous relationship is inherently flawed if it’s what both people want. But you don’t, so. 

If you don’t want to live in that kind of marriage, you say no. That being said, it sounds like your husband’s decided that will be a problem for him. I think he’s a shortsighted idiot for considering throwing away a good, long term relationship for the possibility of casual dating, but people are often stupid. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Beach123

What's the update Silo?


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