# Help me get my head out of my @$$



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

So, I had a really good length of time being "happy" - as happy as one could be going through what all of us here are going through. Had a very emotional stint after mediation on Thursday. Back to the whole "why why why". All sad, more sad since he picked up my kids this afternoon. I went to the driving range right after they left to pick myself back up and it helped, but I'm still stuck down there a little. Maybe less deep than yesterday. After mediation, I felt almost like I felt when we first separated. How could this be? The person sitting next to me at mediation is so different from the person I knew just 6 months ago. How could this person I shared my life with for 15 years just up and say he NEVER loved me?? After THREE kids?? How could our realities and perception of our marriage be so different?? No EA, no PA, still no one else, even now. Just realized that he was building this life because he thought that is what was supposed to happen? A logical progression? How do you do that to someone? All he was doing was "playing house"??? Then realized that "playing house" didn't make him happy. 

ARRRGH! Need a serious pick me up.

On the bright side, a majority of the 180 balls I hit were good shots. I was pretending the golf balls were his N***.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I hope you find your peace soon. Just ride the tide. Bit down myself, more or less overwhelmed.

You are healing, but you will have these times that feel like you are having setbacks, but we all know that isn't the case. Keep on moving.

Love you!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Seems a lot of us are going through this lately...I guess it's par for the course...no golf pun intended  but seriously....I think its just part of the progression....its been hitting me a lot lately. Tonight going through things in our storage for the yard sale tmw....it just hit me...tears flowing...still feel like some one is sitting on my chest. Why should I have to go through all the memories of our life together and decide what is trash and what is for sale and what to keep??? why doesnt he have to look at these things? Go through them....see them...touch them...remember! He didnt even bother to come back for his freakin clothes the chicken! His mail....his shoes even...just gone....omg Im so mad tonight...so hurt again. 

It makes no sense...none of it...how these spouses can just up decide that a marriage is nothing to them...alls that you or I or anyone can do at this point is stop trying to figure them out or their reasons and make the best out of what is left OUR own life....YOUR new life...he gets no say in that.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife is making it a bit easier on me by lying and cheating. Makes me want to just move on. I did pray and cry a little this morning after I dropped my daughter off at preschool. We are still living together and "playing" nice in front of the kids. It has only been 3 weeks for me. The first time she gets the kids for a visit will tear my heart out again though.

Keep strong and look at the positive things you still have in your life.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

yes my H has suddenly started to re-write history too, but it's helping me move on because he's being so unbelievably unpleasant. i'm thinking 'what on EARTH did I see in you for all those years'

keep on hitting those balls, girl!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This sort of down turn is normal when you are faced with having to see him or having to deal with the serious issues of the divorce.

So in the future know this and plan for it. Have a plan to do something nurturing and calming for yourself.

YOu will get back to your happy place and move on. There will come a day when none of this affects you. It took me a few years but all of the issues and even seeing my ex has no emotional affect on me at all. You will get to this place as well one day.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Thanks guys! Writing here and getting input helps so much. Woke up sad. Checked me email. He wrote me asking about the mortgage and getting a financial advisor. Made it worse. I can't wait to be over him. For all of this to be over and done with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I went through the same thing with my wife, but I realized these self defeating thoughts were only making me feel worse and if I just gave her what she wanted we would both get along better. So I said f*ck it about everything I fought so hard for and gave up. And we did get along much better than before... we walked into mediation holding hands and out of the courthouse holding each other.

Wildflower, you know you're fighting an uphill battle with a stubborn man so 180 and surrender your wants, needs, and desires to doing what he wants at the moment. You know you're going to see him again and again when he takes the kids and every few holidays you'll share together like childrens birthdays. Nothing can take away your history together and any woman that enters his life will have an almost impossible challenge of commitment with him. So relax and enjoy the freedom you have to cut your hair, buy those shoes you wanted, and lose weight not because you feel you have to but because you want to... because you're not depressed anymore.

And like it or not the emotional side of divorce extends beyond the paper work. You'll still be finding excuses to talk to each other one way or another for the next few years. Every story I've read about reconciling post divorce usually required a year or two to cool off but the two people kept in touch if not every month then on birthdays at least. All you have to do is first let go and then find your confidence to live happily without him. I think once the paper work goes through you'll both calm down.... Once the anxiety is gone you can relax and talk like friends onc again.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Nsweet, this brought me to tears and allowed me that weeping release. You're right. This is what I needed to get back on track. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> So, I had a really good length of time being "happy" - as happy as one could be going through what all of us here are going through. Had a very emotional stint after mediation on Thursday. Back to the whole "why why why". All sad, more sad since he picked up my kids this afternoon. I went to the driving range right after they left to pick myself back up and it helped, but I'm still stuck down there a little. Maybe less deep than yesterday. After mediation, I felt almost like I felt when we first separated. How could this be? The person sitting next to me at mediation is so different from the person I knew just 6 months ago. How could this person I shared my life with for 15 years just up and say he NEVER loved me?? After THREE kids?? How could our realities and perception of our marriage be so different?? No EA, no PA, still no one else, even now. Just realized that he was building this life because he thought that is what was supposed to happen? A logical progression? How do you do that to someone? All he was doing was "playing house"??? Then realized that "playing house" didn't make him happy.
> 
> ARRRGH! Need a serious pick me up.
> 
> On the bright side, a majority of the 180 balls I hit were good shots. I was pretending the golf balls were his N***.


This sounds almost identical to my situation. I can not wrap head head around the whole thing. How can he just up and leave and say he isn't in love with me after 18 years of marriage? Not even try and work things out, especially for the KIDS! 

The past 2 days I have been in a major depression and sobbing all the time. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I am praying some meds work because I can not live like this. 

I'll be praying for you and everyone else going through this for happier days ahead.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

@jenny - They'll find something good for you but be forewarned some meds make you more depressed and others more anxious. It's going to take a few months until you get the right dosage but you'll get there. The only thing that will work immediately believe it or not is a high dose of caffeine if you're depressed. It only works for about six hours but it may be enough for you to get through a days work.

And if you can't sleep then dont! The worst thing for fresh mental trauma is sleep because you'll just keep repeating the issues for weeks. If you feel you have to stay up worry about all the what if's until you can say f*ck I'm tired... screw him.... it in time for your appointment on Monday, then by all means do so. But usually at that point you'll be so burt out you won't know what to think which is part of the recovery process. These things take time.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

To give you comfort..
It's been 14 months since my separation, our divorce will be final by the end of this month. I was actually looking forward to it so I can finally have closure. 
But last night...Jim Croce's song "Photographs and Memories" played on my Pandora, and tears just started streaming like a waterfall. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and I didn't even know that I can still feel that way.
But this morning, I woke up, and I'm back to feeling ok again.
I think we will have those miserable moments once in a while, no matter how much we thought we were able to move on. I think as well that we need to allow those moments, until they become more rare.
Beating ourselves up over the grief that we felt due to the demise of our marriage is not good. I believe it's healthy for our recovery to know that it's ok to feel whatever we feel.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> Seems a lot of us are going through this lately...I guess it's par for the course...no golf pun intended  but seriously....I think its just part of the progression....its been hitting me a lot lately. Tonight going through things in our storage for the yard sale tmw....it just hit me...tears flowing...still feel like some one is sitting on my chest. Why should I have to go through all the memories of our life together and decide what is trash and what is for sale and what to keep??? why doesnt he have to look at these things? Go through them....see them...touch them...remember! He didnt even bother to come back for his freakin clothes the chicken! His mail....his shoes even...just gone....omg Im so mad tonight...so hurt again.


I finally got him to figure out what he wants to do with the stuff in our garage. We set a date to clean it out so I can actually use it and walk around in it. That is going to be an emotional day, for me at least...


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I think for every one of my memories about the happy times, my wife remembers the miserable times. Afterall, our spouses must have been so miserable in the relationship to want/do/pursue breaking up (Divorce). Or, to be separated from us. And, nothing we are willing to do to repair past mistakes, or improve upon the relationship is wanted or accepted.

I felt a wave of the "I can't believe this is happening" yesterday. It was almost like I didn't know where I was. Wondered if it were a dream.

I don't think I'll get the answers that I seek. And, what does it matter of the outcome is just the same.

Every moment I'm alive, I count as progress. Every minute I don't think about her, I count as progress. 

Hopefully, one day I'll have peace and not feel tortured by thoughts, memories, what-ifs.


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