# Who To Tell?



## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

First post. I found this website after googling about what we should do in our situation. TIA for your help.

Background: My husband's sister (LG) and her husband have twins that just turned two. The twins were conceived via surrogacy in India with a donor egg and the husband's sperm (and most of that process (prob around $50K) was paid for by the soon-to-be ex's parents, with emergency funds provided by my husband's father ($18K)). None of that money has been paid back to either sets of parents.

Somewhat abruptly last summer (2013), LG announced to her family (her mom and dad) that she wanted to divorce her husband, and there was no way counseling would help. As far as I know, the husband had no idea. Because there may have been an adoption issue with the kids (not genetically hers), however, my FIL (who is an attorney) told her she needed to wait while they researched that issue. After several months, research indicated she would be okay under the state law. 

So, in April 2014, LG left with the kids, telling her husband "he stopped loving her before she did," and other "it's your fault, not mine" type stuff. She told him she planned to file for divorce, but he beat her to the punch, and so it has been filed (by him) and is currently pending. She is asking for custody and child support.

My husband and I just found out that LG has been having an affair for over a year (and it is still going on). We have physical evidence in the form of pictures of her and the OM in bed together kissing (date stamped from last fall). There are also pictures of the OM with the kids. Finally, LG created a FB page for LG and the OM that suggests (but is not confirmed) that they might be swinging.

Throughout this whole thing, my FIL was adamant that LG swore she was not cheating, and if she was, it would change his support for her (his legal partner is providing discounted services in her divorce proceedings as a favor to my FIL). Based on finding the evidence so recently, we are 95% sure my FIL doesn't know. There is a good chance my MIL knows, but likely only a "romanticized" version of the events. (MIL and FIL are divorced which is why they may not jointly know everything, and LG has attempted in the past to use that to her advantage.) 

So....who to tell? Soon-to-be ex? His attorney? My husband's family? LG? LG's attorney? All of the above?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GloverGirl said:


> So, in April 2014, LG left with the kids, telling her husband "he stopped loving her before she did," and other "it's your fault, not mine" type stuff. She told him she planned to file for divorce, but he beat her to the punch, and so it has been filed (by him) and is currently pending. *She is asking for custody and child support*.


Makes me wonder if that was her plan all along. Get the adoption set in, then divorce and get support for them.




> My husband and I just found out that LG has been having an affair for over a year (and it is still going on). We have physical evidence in the form of pictures of her and the OM in bed together kissing (date stamped from last fall). There are also pictures of the OM with the kids. Finally, LG created a FB page for LG and the OM that suggests (but is not confirmed) that they might be swinging.


Well unfortunately, adultery is not grounds to gain the other parent custody. It should, but it isn't.

Swinging, on the other hand, if it can be proven it could be used as a way to deny an unscrupulous person(as if an affair wasn't bad enough) custody.

It could be argued that those are not the values to raise children with.




> So....who to tell? Soon-to-be ex?


NO! Do not let her know the info is out. It needs to be kept secret in the event the swinging part might be viable to use against her. Gather evidence and don't say a word.



> His attorney?


Yes, but only when evidence of the swinging is available. Because plain old adultery, unscrupulous as it is, is not enough to gain a man custody.




> My husband's family? LG? LG's attorney? All of the above?


I'd tell you BIL and let him know to tell his attorney when the swinging evidence is available. You don't want to tell too many others and tip LG off that BIL knows. Otherwise she can find ways to hide the info or keep a low profile until after the divorce.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Full exposure. The truth has a right to bear out. If you supress the truth, you become part of the deception as well and are to blame as well.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Talk to the lawyer first, then with his help determine who and when to tell. Do not let the cheater know you are on to her. In fact, I would try to lull her into a false sense of security in the hope she will make mistakes that can be used against her later. This is war. She is the enemy. Her adultery seems especially heinous from what you've written. There needs to be a special place in hell for this kind of people. (maybe there is?) Good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do they live in India or is that where the en vitro took place? Where do all these parties live? If you and your family are Indian, guarantee there are scant few on this site who can give you cogent advice because most of us are ignorant as to Indian culture and Indian marriage law. You might as well be from Neptune.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tell her STBX husband, give him the proof, then leave it alone. It's none of your business. He will have what he needs to do what he wants. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You will get a variety of responses on this, but since this is your husbands side of the family, I would leave it to him. If I got a chance to talk to brother in law, I would give him a heads up, otherwise I would leave it to your husband. If it was one of your siblings, it is your decision.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If me (and my family) paid $18K +++ to a surrogate. It's my sperm. My kids. Now my wh0re wife -- who she has no biological claim to -- adopts these kids, I would be out of my mind insane.

Make sure brother in law has each and every fact available to him. He deserves sole custody of those kids. Unfortunately sounds like that's not possible.

Curious how did you stumble across pics of her in bed with another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

Vellocet, yeah, I do think this was her plan, at least as of last summer. The abruptness with which she decided to get divorced raised a flag in our minds. And the things that she was complaining about were, honestly, things he had always done (he's the passive type, she has always worn the pants in the relationship, he's not helping out with the kids, etc). She is definitely not the type to jump without a net, so to speak.

BTW, in answer to bandit.45's question, all parties live in the US. In the state at issue, adultery can change the divorce filing to "at fault," which means the assets may not be equally divided anymore (normally they are). You're right in that it doesn't necessarily affect custody, although I'm sure that plus the possibility of swinging definitely would. 

Regarding the swinging thing, there is really no way for us to verify that. It seems likely given the website at issue, but the profile is set to private, so it's not possible for us to see a smoking gun there. The attorney would have to get the information directly from FB.

The other things that we have been considering:
1. The husband is not a bad guy, per se, but he's not what you would necessarily call an upstanding and hands-on dad. I question whether he actually even wanted to go through with the surrogacy thing, honestly - I think that was LG pushing all the way. Regardless, they are here now. From what I hear (which, admittedly, is LG's "version"), the husband - who moved back in with his parents after LG moved out - basically has his parents doing most of the parenting/kid work (he sees them on the weekends). So, honestly, the question is "which parent is the least bad?"

2. There is no love lost between my husband and his sister (due to lots of drama on her end for years about multiple things, which could fill up another entire post). Short version = she decides she wants to do something, does it without thinking about the consequences, inevitability things fall apart, and then she gets bailed out/excused by their parents. So by telling the parents this time, it would be next to impossible to excuse or lie her way out of it. On the other hand, they'd probably sweep it under the rug and hope the other side didn't find out before the divorce was finalized. 

As far as what my husband wants to do, absolutely, you are right, it is his sister that is fooling around, so I'd definitely defer to his opinion on this one. When we found out about the affair, we spent many hours mulling over the options with no definite decision or conclusion (he doesn't have a particular "lean" at this time). So I spent some time googling, came across this website, and figured I'd make an anonymous post and see what the collective thought about it was.


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If me (and my family) paid $18K +++ to a surrogate. It's my sperm. My kids. Now my wh0re wife -- who she has no biological claim to -- adopts these kids, I would be out of my mind insane.
> 
> Make sure brother in law has each and every fact available to him. He deserves sole custody of those kids. Unfortunately sounds like that's not possible.
> 
> ...


LOL - she created a new email address/profile with a completely different name. And then sent an email using that address. Seemed odd, so I googled the email address, an open photobucket account was the first result, and there it was (along with a bunch of other pics with him, her, the kids, and other assorted things). She is either incredibly stupid or supremely overconfident. Likely the latter.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Given the nature of the evidence, I'm curious how your husband and you obtained the info?

As to who to tell, I suggest you tell all family members. This way she does not get to gaslight any.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GloverGirl said:


> LOL - she created a new email address/profile with a completely different name. And then sent an email using that address. Seemed odd, so I googled the email address, an open photobucket account was the first result, and there it was (along with a bunch of other pics with him, her, the kids, and other assorted things). She is either incredibly stupid or supremely overconfident. Likely the latter.


okay, got the answer.

I hope you downloaded a copy of all the pictures. Then make sure you have backups of the downloaded pictures.


And the pictures are public.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GloverGirl said:


> First post. I found this website after googling about what we should do in our situation. TIA for your help.
> 
> Background: My husband's sister (LG) and her husband have twins that just turned two. The twins were conceived via surrogacy in India with a donor egg and the husband's sperm (and most of that process (prob around $50K) was paid for by the soon-to-be ex's parents, with emergency funds provided by my husband's father ($18K)). None of that money has been paid back to either sets of parents.
> 
> ...


All of the above. And CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know for everyone else.


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

aug said:


> Given the nature of the evidence, I'm curious how your husband and you obtained the info?
> 
> As to who to tell, I suggest you tell all family members. This way she does not get to gaslight any.


I think our posts crossed in the interwebs. See above.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Now, my knowledge of law is limited in that I studied law 30 years ago and in a completely different country.

However, that caveat aside, it would be worth BIL seeking legal advice as the the legal propriety of his what his wife did.

Did she proceed with the surrogacy whilst she was having an affair?

If so, might an action for fraud and/or theft (of his sperm) be worth looking at? 

Oh. The kid's DNA needs to be checked. She might have switched the sperm for her lover's.


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

aug said:


> okay, got the answer.
> 
> I hope you downloaded a copy of all the pictures. Then make sure you have backups of the downloaded pictures.
> 
> ...


I downloaded the smoking gun shot (in bed, kissing, taken last fall) but not the rest. Yet.

Yes. Public. As long as you know the username, which I wouldn't have except for the email that she sent.

OH....and I totally forgot to mention....the other result that came up when I googled was a pinterest page. Full of Halloween/goth WEDDING stuff.


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Now, my knowledge of law is limited in that I studied law 30 years ago and in a completely different country.
> 
> However, that caveat aside, it would be worth BIL seeking legal advice as the the legal propriety of his what his wife did.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I don't think the affair happened until after the kids were born and came to the US. They did actually have to do a DNA test in India in order to take them out of the country, so they are definitely the STBX's.


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

Dang it, I forgot another part too. THE GUY WAS ALSO MARRIED when this thing started. He filed for divorce in May 2014 and the decree was signed at the end of July. AND HE HAS A KID, TOO - middle school age, I think.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This thread has an odor...


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## GloverGirl (Aug 15, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> This thread has an odor...


This seems pretty incredulous to me. Even more so after I typed it all out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd tell at least your STBXBIL and FIL.

Oh, and make sure that your STBXBIL gets copies of all pics, videos, e-mail, etc... any and all evidence. Additionally, back everything up in a couple of different offsite "Cloud" locations (Carbonite, Dropbox, Google Drive, SugarSync, etc) just in case your SIL manages to get her hands on whatever you give to your STBXBIL and destroys it.


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