# Wife had Affair, Broke it Off this Week, Why is SHE depressed and for how long?



## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Wife of 7 years had an affair with a guy who she thinks of as her best friend. Strong emotional connection etc and it burns me up, but she cut off contact with him Monday and she seemed to be doing OK for several days but now it is seriously like she is in drug withdrawal and says it's so hard to not talk to him because she had known him so long.

This makes me feel really significant (sarcasm) as her spouse and devoted father of our 4 year old, but I have put aside my feelings for now to try to give this a chance.

I found out she did try to commit suicide last week and tonight she is saying very dark and sad (to me) things about not wanting to be here. I asked her to expand on that idea - here meaning at home? No she means here on earth.

She saw a counselor for the first session this evening leading up to these really dismal thoughts. I am wondering if her counselor (who is religious) made her think bad thoughts about herself too intensely. She went to bed at 9:30 crying and saying negative things.

I should be torn up for what she has put our family at risk for, but I am only feeling pain and helplessness because of how she is feeling. I don't think it's an act either - I think she is deeply conflicted. I did not force her to be here at home, I did insist that she make a choice. 

Is it normal for the person having the affair to feel so depressed? What does it indicate? How long does this last? Is there anything I can do to help? She is unnaccepting of love from me and my daughter.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Yes it's normal for the person having the affair to feel depressed, affairs for a woman are almost certainly more for emotional reasons than physical so she is having a doubly rough time right now. 

She's depressed and suicidaly and all you're worried about is feeling insignificant? Get over yourself...

You can be reassuring but not pressure...you can be open and willing to talk and initiate conversation, right now she needs you to break balls and make that emotional connection you weren't making before that led to the affair.

Do some soul searching here and find out what was missing and then make sure you put that back...

You can worry, react to and be morose about the affair later, right now your wife needs you like she never needed you before.

If she isn't on meds...might want to look into that.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

JDPreacher said:


> Yes it's normal for the person having the affair to feel depressed, affairs for a woman are almost certainly more for emotional reasons than physical so she is having a doubly rough time right now.
> 
> She's depressed and suicidaly and all you're worried about is feeling insignificant? Get over yourself...
> 
> ...


I agree that something missing caused her to cheat, but it isn't something he deprived her of. IMHO, what is missing is a core belief in fidelity. That's not something he can 'put back'. The last thing he should do is attempt to make too many changes. To do so ultimately reinforces the cheater's behavior. 

I agree that she needs him now more than ever. He wasn't aware of it until now and you were right in pointing that out. The trouble is, she probably doesn't know that either. He needs to take action now (obtain professional assistance) to save her life. Then, as you said, worry about the other stuff.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It really amazes me how clueless husbands can be. She is depressed and suicidal and all you want is her to get over it (wondering how long it takes and whether it's an act)? She found emotional support in another man because it was lacking in your marriage. There could be countless reasons why, and her mourning or depression won't just magically disappear by breaking contact with the other man. Have you tried seeking counseling together? If a person already attempted suicidal, that is very, very serious. Is her family and friends also involved with her recovery? Have you taken off work to watch your child while she recovers? 

At my worst depression, I have often thought about running away, and taking the kids with me, or worse yet, taking my life and being majorly conflicted about what will happen to the kids. I knew my husband won't want to care for them.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sensitive, you are projecting. We don't know anything about their marriage. The only thing we do know, is that she had a best friend other then her husband and boinked him. Now she's depressed because she can't do it anymore or talk to him. Shuffleup is doing the best he can with a faithless wife. Cut him some slack. She is lucky he didn't kick her butt out and seems to be very concerned about her welfare. Is she concerned about his? Doesn't sound like its too much. Let me tell you, she is not staying in the marriage for his happiness. She is staying because it suits her needs. And now that she can't eat cake anymore, she is bummed.


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> Sensitive, you are projecting. We don't know anything about their marriage. The only thing we do know, is that she had a best friend other then her husband and boinked him. Now she's depressed because she can't do it anymore or talk to him. Shuffleup is doing the best he can with a faithless wife. Cut him some slack. She is lucky he didn't kick her butt out and seems to be very concerned about her welfare. Is she concerned about his? Doesn't sound like its too much. Let me tell you, she is not staying in the marriage for his happiness. She is staying because it suits her needs. And now that she can't eat cake anymore, she is bummed.



Well said. 

When people take responsibility for their own feelings and actions instead of blaming their spouses, that is when true happiness begins.


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Guys cut the crap in blaming me for the way I feel right now. Please. I AM trying to help her and I am the only advocate for our marriage right now. I am strong as hell but nonetheless I do have feelings and that was more of a parenthetical to what I was really writing about in my first post but several of you picked up on that as like my main point. Not the case.

If you want more about how I feel then I would write the post like this:

For two years she has been griping about little things about me not doing housework and chores but it was like whack a mole because when I improved in one area she griped about another one.

For two years she has rejected my affection claiming that affection is not important and that I shouldn't worry about it. What she meant was affection was not important FOR ME but it was important enough for HER that she went outside the marriage for it.

For two years she has been stressed out about work, raising our daughter, and housework and I have picked up the slack. Maybe she was really stressed not because of these things but because she was leading a double life and it's hard enough for people to make ONE relationship work.



There - that is a small portion of how I feel so now you can point to this as me being insensitive to her feelings right now and focused on my own.

I will not entertain the idea that I came here in the first post worried about my feelings. If that were the case I would have moved on already. In light of these things that have gone on I am doing my best to love her and I have been tellikng her that in spite of my pain. I have put aside my hurt in front of her to support her. I told her I will not leave her in her weakest moment. 

Please go back and read my FIRST post if you think I am really more concerned for myself right now than for her. I was asking how to help her. Do not blame me for this.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Okay, won't blame you...though it sounds like you missed the boat somewhere along the line...

How do you help her, if you have put your feelings aside for now, good, keep them there. Continue to reassure her and love her the best you can...she is in a period of mourning whether you like it or not, this is her mindset right now and whatever she was getting from the OM emotionally she isn't getting right now and doesn't feel like she will get it from you since she had to leave the marriage in order to get that.

Encourage her to seek help that goes beyond just therapy, suggest meds possibly...support her...if she wants to talk, listen...try and break down that wall and get her to explain to you what was lacking.

This wasn't and isn't a sex thing even though most men tend to feel that way...they are emasculated and it hurts their ego and pride, that they weren't man enough to satisfy their woman.

Well, in a sense you weren't...but it wasn't in the bedroom

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Okay, won't blame you...though it sounds like you missed the boat somewhere along the line...
> 
> How do you help her, if you have put your feelings aside for now, good, keep them there. Continue to reassure her and love her the best you can...she is in a period of mourning whether you like it or not, this is her mindset right now and whatever she was getting from the OM emotionally she isn't getting right now and doesn't feel like she will get it from you since she had to leave the marriage in order to get that.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I was concerned about how I should be acting and I think you reaffirmed that I should just continue to show love. I'm sure it could go either way really easy but luckily that is actually the easier for me than "acting" mean or whatever. Thanks for the help!


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

Hi shuffleup. how is it going? i'm trying to support my husband through his EA breakup that I found about 3 weeks ago. We're going to counseling, and now planning a structured separation so he can clear his head. i'm scared about that. but in the meantime, i'm trying to give him his space in the house, and show him affection and just act like my normal happy self around him. a little bit of an act sometimes. sometimes i'd rather be balling my eyes out. but without overdoing it, i'm showing him the love that i want to show and that i know he deserves. so how is it going so far with you and your wife?


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Well it is overall getting better. Like, the long term trend seems to be getting better but there are days where it is not good and it is more like a 2 steps forward one step back kind of progress rather than progress everyday. This makes it really hard on me during the step back days and I have often felt like giving up. 

We are going to a Christian couselor and the sessions are brutal but the woman is very pro-marriage pr-family and is not suggesting the separation etc which is good for me because I would not be able to cope with that. If we were separated I would likely file because I would just assume that she was with the OM anyway. But that is just me and what can I say - I'm not trusting her yet.

The counselor is telling her the right things from my biased perspective, of allowing me to "check" on her abd she needs to be an open book, and my wife is actually doing it if not overdoing it. Calling me three times if she is away to say exactly where she is and when she thinks she will be home.

The biggest heartbreak for me was not the affair itself - that was done, but it was how long it took my wife to finally say that she was committted to me. That happened this week although it was still like pulling teeth. See, she had broken off contact with OM but still had not said she wanted to be with me or make the marriage work. That was gut wrenching more than thinking about the past. 

There is still no affection between us which is difficult as well. Even while she was having the affair she would show some affection and even if it was fake I "thought" there was something there. So now that we have been through this there is not even fake affection so it feels alomst like I am being punished more for finding out than what I was when I was ignorant of it. Which doesn't seem right to my mind either.

She has said that she has to relearn how to love me as a husband, that she never stopped loving me as a dad or friend. Well that's a little disingenuous because she was not loving me at all if she was doing this but I guess in her way that meants there was still value seen in me in some areas that where helpful for someone who was just plain selfish.

I try to not overreact to these backhanded compliments though in the spirit of progress, but I do calmly point out the shortcomings in those feelings so that she has to see my point of view. 

As far as trying to be positive - I believe I read here somewhere that "why would the spouse ever be attracted to us again if we just moped around." I think that is valid and I too have tried to stay positive and fun and outgoing, but I have been depressed inside and showing that from time to time feels more natural and actually makes my wife think about what she did. I'm not saying show it everyday but I'm saying your feelings need to be known. If i pretend to be happy all the time then in my brief and incomplete experience with this matter, that seems to let her off the hook as to what damage has been done. Our counselor said that it is OK for me to feel angry about things and she needs to know that my feeings are affected. Else I guess whu would she not think it could all be done again?


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

so i've definitely let him know how i've been feeling inside a few times since i last wrote you. thanks for the advice btw. our situations sound quite similar, except she never moved out. my husband will be leaving next week. i'm dreading it, but a part of me is looking foward to having a positive energy house again. he's in the other room watching tv while i'm here typing away. separate bedrooms. never thought it would happen. i can't stand the fact that he has to leave. he says he wants to miss me again. he wants to get back the love we had. i feel like he is going to go back into a deeper depression and end up breaking and calling the OW. i'm so scared. i've been trying to be nice to him, but my moods have been so down and dreary. i just can't help it. the love of my life is about to walk out the door and i have no say in the matter. it's a control issue i have, which is part of how we got here. i'm trying to work on that. i just know that this is not going to end well. i'm looking foward to our next counseling session this week. our therapist is so confused by what he says in our sessions. it should be interesting. 

shuffleup, i hope things continue to go well for you.


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