# Just found out H is having a EA.



## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Long story short.
Been married 10 yrs, 8 yr old son.
Great sex life, could use some work and communication but all in all pretty happy.
He comes home 10 days ago and out of the blue says he wants a divorce. I ask if he is high...but knowing that he doesn't do drugs. He just isn't the same person, he has somehow "checked out" I was shocked and still am. I asked about affairs and he says no.
At this point we think that we can reside under the same roof for a little while.
He tells me today that he wants to start dating and having sex with other people. Oh and by the way sorry for breaking your heart.
He asks me if I will leave for a week to give him some time to think. I say no I am not leaving my house and family and if he needs time he can leave. He says he has no where to go. Which he doesn't as all of our family and friends live a province away.
So I am angry and say that he should go and live with his gf and responds by saying that he doesn't have one.....wait for it..YET. 

Just a side note we have been having the best sex EVER and what I guess is known as Hysterical bonding? Very messed up considering the situation.

Fast forward 3 days- I find out yesterday that he IS indeed having an EA. He says that he has been talking to her for a few weeks and he emailed me this yesterday;
*" I am talking to a girl, but that is it. I do like her (as a person), but I have a lot to deal with and a lot to get through before I can (get serious) about seeing other people as a relationship thing. She is not my girlfriend. Girl - YES. Friend - YES. Girlfriend - NO. While I have my family to talk to, they are very biased and too close to the two of us and the situation. And you, well, I can talk to you about many things, but I can't talk to you about everything. And sometimes I need an outside, non-judgemental person to confide in and talk to. Over the years, these people have been seriously lacking in my life. Today, somehow and very fortunately, I have such a person to go to. And no, I have not bad mouthed you, or anything like that. She has been a good and consoling friend. And no I am not an ******* for talking to a girl in case that is what you are thinking and feeling right now."*

He is in the FOG He doesn't care that he is hurting me or our son and doesn't care that he is destroying lives.

I didn't even respond. I am doing a hard 180 and not even speaking to him or making eye contact. What else can I do. I am so sick of him, want him to leave but still want to have sex with him..how messed up am I right now?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Im sorry youre here. Be patient. You'll get some help here. In the mean time have you read the 180


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Yes, I am doing the 180..its just hard to balance the 180 and the sex thing. I thought that the fact that I wanted to have sex with him after all of this was me losing my mind completely!! But I guess it happens to many people?


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Tell him if he thinks this "girl" is more unbiased than his family he is an idiot. He doesn't even see that she is pushing him to leave you so she can have him. Conflict of interests????

Tell him his family loves him and knows more about him than a new "friend" does and he is being selfish and foolish PERIOD. 

Get to couseling (MC or IC whatever he will agree to) if he needs an "unbiased option" instead of boinking some wh*** homewrecker and talking to her about it.

BTW... no sex he needs to know your strong enough to let him go if he doesn't wake up and smell the coffee. This will also help you to "detach" enough to do whats right for you and your son.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

dragonfli said:


> Yes, I am doing the 180..its just hard to balance the 180 and the sex thing. I thought that the fact that I wanted to have sex with him after all of this was me losing my mind completely!! But I guess it happens to many people?


The absolutely last thing you can do on a 180 is have sex with him. Undermines any progress every time.


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

I actually have her cell number from our phone bill. He called her the night he told me that he wanted a divorce. I texted her yesterday. "This is *** so and so's wife. I am very curious as to why my husband is confiding in you regarding our marriage. While I don't expect you will text me back I just have to say that for you to get involved with a married man who has a son speaks volumes about your character. I can only imagine what your intentions are. Many boundries have been crossed here and if you really care about so and so and his well being you need to back off. If I were in your shoes personally i would not want to be the reason for the demise of someones marriage. Especially when those 2 people still love each other and have a life togther. My advice to you is stop giving my husband advice because you do not know me or so and so for that matter."

And I know that this is going to sound stupid but if he isn't getting sex at home isn't he going to go and get it some somewhere else? Because right now he thinks of himself as single. There is no R anywhere in his mind.

So just not sure what I should do next. Should I try and contact her again or just go dark on him...just don't know what to do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

File


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

I can't file until we have been seperated a yr. Thats Canada for ya!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

dragonfli said:


> And I know that this is going to sound stupid but if he isn't getting sex at home isn't he going to go and get it some somewhere else?


Dragonfli, your husband is cake eating. The corollary to your logic is: since he's getting sex at home, he shouldn't want to get it outside your marriage for it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Whether you give him sex or not, he's still going to get it from his AP (or someone else since he's living the single life.) By the way, are you sure that it hasn't gone PA?

The 180 is useless if you keep having sex with him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Make him move. Suggest that his confidant might offer to him her couch.


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

hahaha, I already have suggested he move in with her!

I asked him her name today and he told me but could be lying. I also asked if she had a bf and he said yes. So then I asked if he thought that the bf would approve of her talking to some random guy everyday for the last month. .....no comment.
I looked on his Facebook but couldn't find anyone by the name he told me....so who knows. Maybe she told him about my text and ended it....heres to hoping he comes to his senses.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

My guess as to why you want to have sex with him--you want to 'mark your territory' and claim him as yours. You want some evidence that he still loves you even though he's engaging in this behavior. It may be driven on a biological level to reaffirm his commitment to you as a life partner.

You have her cell phone #; pay a PI to get her name, address, and whether she's married / dating someone.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> My guess as to why you want to have sex with him--you want to 'mark your territory' and claim him as yours. You want some evidence that he still loves you even though he's engaging in this behavior. It may be driven on a biological level to reaffirm his commitment to you as a life partner.
> 
> You have her cell phone #; pay a PI to get her name, address, and whether she's married / dating someone.


if you have her cell # go to spokeo and enter it. You will get her name and address etc....Also try jigsaw.com


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave 

a cheater will do it again. If you dont leave now than you will be in a law office in 3 year's filing for divorce and saying that you cant deal with anymore and that "hubby swore he would stop he swore and cried but he lied and wont stop cheating"

Just leave 

Do you feel you deserve better? i feel you do

Best of luck


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> leave
> 
> a cheater will do it again. If you dont leave now than you will be in a law office in 3 year's filing for divorce and saying that you cant deal with anymore and that "hubby swore he would stop he swore and cried but he lied and wont stop cheating"
> 
> ...


I will NOT leave my home. That is not an option.

Arn't there many cheaters that are just in the FOG that evenually come out and don't cheat again?

I am getting the name and address as we speak. I have to wait for the results.

I do deserve better that is a no brainer. I am taking care of myself, focusing on my job, my hobbies and my son. Until he leaves thats all I can do. I am not going to lay down and die, I will survive if he never comes out of the fog and we do get divorced. It is just hard to keep a consistant thought or emotion for more then a few hours. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am doing the best that I can with what I have to work with.


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## profos (Apr 19, 2012)

Its not an EA its a PA

He wouldn't ask for a divorce if it was just an EA


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

profos said:


> Its not an EA its a PA
> 
> He wouldn't ask for a divorce if it was just an EA


You are probably right. If it wasn't a PA before, it likely became one when he announced he wanted a divorce and a chance to date / have sex with others.

Make absolutely certain you don't have sex with him. The main reason is that affair sex is shockingly almost always unprotected and even a condom is not 100% effective against STDs. Plus, at this stage, you do not want to become pregnant yourself if that's a possibility.

You may be right about the fog, but your husband is (others correct me if I'm wrong) somewhat unusual in announcing he does want to finally end the marriage. Most cheaters are complete wimps--that is sort of the point of cheating--to have your cake and eat it too.

I would take his request for divorce very seriously. I would not assume it's just the fog. It's possible he will realize at some point down the road that chickipoo is not marriage / stepmom material, but that doesn't mean he's so far round the bend that he doesn't know he definitively wants out of the marriage.

The main thing I've seen recommended in this type of situation is to line up your ducks in a row so that everyone in your lives knows that he was cheating BEFORE you separated and he moved on. This stands a chance of torpedoing this particular affair. If your husband is in the fog, then after some time he might emerge from it and come to his senses and want to be back with you. (Then you'd have some tough choices to make.) But if not, at least you will not allow him to pretend to the important people in his life that this new GF is just someone he happened to meet after leaving the marriage and betraying his loyal spouse and innocent kids.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My sister's (now ex) husband asked for a divorce. And then my sister finally had to come to terms with the fact that the nurse he was working with --and who came over from time to time to babysit the kids-- was actually an affair. 

She now figures that they were having an affiar for the past 6 years. The other thing that's interesting (--this is so like the fim Body Heat--) the time that they moved house is around 6 years before he asked for the divorce. This is significant because they moved over the state line ---from a state that was more sympathetic to single moms when dividing up assets to a state that was less sympathetic. Even my mother said that the move took her by surprise and my sister didn't seem to be totally involved in selecting the house. But sister went with it I guess to keep the peace.

Dragonfi, one thing I noticed was that my (current) bf's EA was all over his facebook wall. Do you notice any woman in particular that is constantly commenting or "like"ing his entries.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh and this is the sister who said that for the first 2 years of the affiar, she didn't know about it and it didn't bother her. This was in a conversation in which I was advocating snooping.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> You are probably right. If it wasn't a PA before, it likely became one when he announced he wanted a divorce and a chance to date / have sex with others.
> 
> Make absolutely certain you don't have sex with him. The main reason is that affair sex is shockingly almost always unprotected and even a condom is not 100% effective against STDs. Plus, at this stage, you do not want to become pregnant yourself if that's a possibility.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear your problem. I think that the MOST important thing to do by far is definitely stay put. Scr*w him. This is your house, his f*uck up. He should lose his residence, not you. His audacity at asking you to leave blows my mind. WTF, so you go and he can bring her over? Hell no! I do agree with the other posters that this is probably a PA. Even if it wasn't before, it is now. She was obviously just waiting on the backburner. How low and pathetic. My stbx did the same. Claimed they were just friends. You know, the fact that he mentions the biased opinion bit, should simply reinforce that she is trying to break you two up. Otherwise, how can your family be biased in a bad way? The truth is, your husband LET this woman insert herself between him and you. It is his fault. You should be his best friend, not some broad. Sickening. My stbx left me under same bull **** pretenses. It has been over 3 months, and he is with that gal. My guess is that no matter what you do, he will just continue doing what he is doing. He's in the fog, as you stated. I'm sorry I cannot be of more help, as I am in a similiar situation. I mean, what can you do? Save some dignity and tell him to F*uck off! To do that to a wife and a child... Christ!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what you should do is separate finances, take your half and put it in an new account


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> what you should do is separate finances, take your half and put it in an new account


Already done


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Now stop doing a damn thing for him

No laundry, cooking, cleaning his messes, SEX, etc

Also go out and do something for yourself, hang with friends or see a movie or whathaveyou. Get dressed up and don't tell him where or with who you are going with


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

This guy's a piece of work. You having sex with him is the result of you frantically trying to keep your relationship together because this OW threatens your marriage. This is your primal instinct kicking in to high gear.

Think about it though... say it works, and he comes back to you after all this and this OW is out of the picture... are you still going to want to fvck him like crazy??? Nope... that's when the logic and pain will start setting in for you and you will be stuck on the damage he has already done to your marriage.

Stop engaging him altogether. Resist the sex... you're a woman... your vagina is your biggest source of power. Don't serve it up to him on a platter and let him take you for granted. You're letting him screw you while he's already screwing someone else! He's tainting your flower.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

dragonfli said:


> I will NOT leave my home. That is not an option.
> 
> *Arn't there many cheaters that are just in the FOG that evenually come out and don't cheat again?*
> 
> ...


No the data and the research says otherwise most cheaters will cheat again. I am telling you he will more than likely cheat again

I am a divorce lawyer i see this all the time woman comes in and seems broken turns out hubby did not stop cheating like he "promised" and that he continued to cheat. 

I am not saying you have to leave your house but file for divorce than again if your not willing to leave this man than you are just allowing yourself to live this quality of life and be hurt deeply by his actions. 

Best of luck


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Well, I just talked to the OW. Turns out that she does indeed have a boyfriend and she is not having and affair with him. I do believe her for some ungodly reason. So now I have to come to terms that he actually just doesn't want me. Its not another women...now I kind of wish that is was. Its me, he hates me, he just does not want me. I am unlovable and just need to comes to grips with being a faliure. This IS my fault.


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## shame_on_me (Oct 16, 2011)

dragonfli said:


> Well, I just talked to the OW. Turns out that she does indeed have a boyfriend and she is not having and affair with him. I do believe her for some ungodly reason. So now I have to come to terms that he actually just doesn't want me. Its not another women...now I kind of wish that is was. Its me, he hates me, he just does not want me. I am unlovable and just need to comes to grips with being a faliure. This IS my fault.


this is my very first post. this is not your fault at all.
why do you belive your husbands ap? of course she will
tell you that. she is worried you will tell her b/f.
even if it is not her someone is getting your husbands
attnetion. this is your husbands fault it is in now way no how your fault. go ahead and pack his bags tell him stay in a hotel or anywhere but as long as he in involved with someone else he can't stay there. it is unhealty for you. you have to do what is best for you and your child. good luck so sorry your going through this.


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## shame_on_me (Oct 16, 2011)

shame_on_me said:


> this is my very first post. this is not your fault at all.
> why do you belive your husbands ap? of course she will
> tell you that. she is worried you will tell her b/f.
> even if it is not her someone is getting your husbands
> attnetion. this is your husbands fault it is in now way no how your fault. go ahead and pack his bags tell him stay in a hotel or anywhere but as long as he in involved with someone else he can't stay there. it is unhealty for you. you have to do what is best for you and your child. good luck so sorry your going through this.


ok not my first post but my first post in a while.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

dragonfli said:


> Well, I just talked to the OW. Turns out that she does indeed have a boyfriend and she is not having and affair with him. I do believe her for some ungodly reason. So now I have to come to terms that he actually just doesn't want me. Its not another women...now I kind of wish that is was. Its me, he hates me, he just does not want me. I am unlovable and just need to comes to grips with being a faliure. This IS my fault.


It might be the truth. But if we examine who in the world would be the least likely to tell you the truth, she's #1. (Your husband neck and neck for that title, perhaps.) So again, while it might be the truth, she is NOT the person to verify this.

My WS's AP was married. Many, if not most APs, are married or have significant others. Why should that factor into anything? I can easily see myself having this conversation with the AP years back if I had spoken to her at just the right time.

You need to find out what they're saying to each other in order to understand what you're dealing with in terms of trying to save your marriage or next steps toward divorce. Do you have a VAR?


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I definitely wouldn't trust the OW. My H's OW sent me a friend request on facebook so I wouldn't be suspicious. She was stealing my H.

You sound strong & level-headed in your posts, but when you said there's no OW, you're being hard on yourself. Even if there isn't, this IS NOT your fault & has NOthing to do w/how loveable you are. Don't give your H that power over you. No kind of good man is going to just come home & demand divorce out of the blue w/out first trying talking, counseling, something. Remember, he's the d0uche here, not you.


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Husband says he has stopped talking to her, rather SHE has stopped talking to him. He seems to be coming out of the fog..but still considering moving out, but not acting on that. We have talked a little about reconsiling but have no idea how to do that and he won't go to MC.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

dragonfli said:


> Husband says he has stopped talking to her, rather SHE has stopped talking to him. He seems to be coming out of the fog..but still considering moving out, but not acting on that. We have talked a little about reconsiling but have no idea how to do that and he won't go to MC.


How are you proving lack of contact? He has to demonstrate this to you via complete transparency. All passwords, accounts, computers, cell phones, available to you at will to confirm they're not in contact. His word is simply not good enough.

He needs to draft a letter of no contact (use the template from this forum) that you mail to the OW certified mail. This is something that is a necessary pre-condition to reconciliation.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Could this be a Mid Life thing? If so, I highly recommend reading Divorce Busters. I am Pro Marriage and believe we can all react out of emotion during the different phases of marriage. 5 years from now you could be having the best marriage of your life, but you need to except that we all fall and fail at different times.

I wish you only the best!


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

*Reconciling...sort of.*

Its been a while since I posted and alot has happened.
Great news....I think:scratchhead:
He did not move out, does not want to any longer. He hasn't had contact with the OW in a few weeks and is now saying how ashamed he is that he confided in her when he should have been talking to ME, his wife. 
He has started saying I love you again.
He has agreed to go to MC and is reading Divorce Busters...slowly but I can't complain.(I have read it also)
He has also moved back into our bedroom.
Things are much better but I am having issues. Everything is vcery weird and a bit awkward. I want to work on our marriage, but what he has done keeps creeping into my mind and I am apprehensive and don't know what to do. I am holding back and just can't drop the wall that I have put up around me.
The one thing that he/we have not done is put our rings back on. 
We don't start MC for 2 more weeks.
What do I do in the mean time to start building that trust with him again?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

This is progress. The main thing is to keep up verification. He has to disclose (as you know) all accounts and passwords of any kind, and any devices of any kind, that allow him to communicate to her.

If he is truly returning to you, his positive responses can be credited to withdrawal from the OW. The longer he is out of contact with her, the more he will return to his true self. This can take 2 months or more for the worst desires to pass.

Do you have the books Surviving an Affair and Not Just Friends? Both are helpful--there is also a book on rebuilding trust I've seen recommended, I need to search for it on the forum.

But it's still early days. The main thing right now is controlling your anger. Generally the instinct is punish him and punish him good, rage and rage and rage because it's so unfair and wrong of him. While what he did is worth of plenty of anger, at some point there has to be a marriage for him to return to.

Not Just Friends is also a good book by which you can gauge whether your MC understands infidelity, or not. If they recognize the various elements of affairs--their powerful compulsion; the challenge of maintaining no contact; the important of no contact letters as an ending ritual; the importance of verification for some while after the end to ease your anxiety and for him to prove his loyalty; the importance of exposure to people he respects--and the importance of spending lots of time understanding why your husband found it appropriate to break marital boundaries--you will have found the right MC.


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