# How to talk about Feelings?



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Hello,

Hope I am not intruding here. I have a question (topic title) that I really need some advice/suggestions/actions/2x4s, etc.

Have a complex story and most likely many issues to handle but the title topic seems most important to focus on now.

Long story short, I have KISA syndrome, "was" a nice guy and put my wife on a pedestal for pretty much our whole relationship.

Had enough of moping around 2-3 years ago and a 'technical glitch" sent me to search out many forums/blogs, etc. Read NMNNG, MMSL, 5-love languages, His-Her needs etc.

Some changes in me the past couple of years, but apparently I am still hung up on the verbal expression of my feelings.

While I feel I do a lot to communicate and express my feelings, its usually not in a direct verbal conversation/discussion way.

Have been activity trying to meet all 5 love languages over the past couple of years throughout the week for my wife with various actions and such.

Basically, last night's conversation/argument exposed that my wife feels no emotional connection to me since I do not "let her in" and show my feelings to her.

She mentioned that it would take me telling her "I feel ____ since this happened" etc.

Is it really this simple and I just can't get it??? :scratchhead:


I'll fill in more as required but this is longer than I expected already.

Thanks in advance.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't know if this is it, but people who want real intimacy can generally tell if someone else is holding themselves back and not being open enough to create real intimacy. So that's how I would interpret what your wife said...she wants to know your feelings because she thinks this will increase your intimacy between the two of you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Can you name your feelings to yourself? That might be a place to start.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Unfortunately the feelings that are most present right now are frustration tinged with anger.

Maybe its all me and I have put it all on myself but I don't know what to do anymore.

My wife is currently in a program for depression. One conclusion is that she has been depressed on some level for the past 9 years or so.

There has been good reason for this (its not all me) and we have stood through this pretty much together. I try really hard not to blame the "depression" for things, but it does colour her views it seems.

For a few years she was totally "checked out" and really didn't interact with our family and her friends. This too I understand and was supportive of her.

People at the school at one point assumed I was a single father.

99% sure there is no cheating involved as this was what brought me to TAM in the first place.

I can tell I'm just rambling on at this point and if so, my apologies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are feeling anger and frustration, then tell her. That's what she wants. "I am feeing angry because....."

One thing that might help is a form of journaling. Identify one feeling, as you did in the above post. Write a note to her expessing that feeling and why you think you have it, and what you would like changed. WRite for no more than 10 minutes. 

The last sentence is "What do you think about that?"

Ask her to spend 10 minutes writing a reply. 

Do thins once a day as often as you can. It's basically a daily, running love letter. I know people how have done this for decades in their marriages. I did it for a while. It's a wonderful way to build intimacy. 

Here are on things on the topic of expressing feelings that I found. It can be a learned skill.

How to Express Your Feelings: 8 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel | Psych Central

Five Emotional Sinkholes and Four Ways To Express Feelings - Emotional Resilience

Learn How to Identify and Express your Feelings | Cognitive Healing


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Thanks for the links and information.

Looks like I'm not as far ahead of the game as I though.


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