# My depressed fiance who left me - further along our road



## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have just removed this due to the personal context as it happened such a long time back now.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi, Sara

I remember your situation and I did go back to glance at your posts. Although your friend is progressing, it seems that the advice you had been given on TAM still applies. Maybe you can go back and re-read those threads and responses.

I say this because it appears that you becoming or have become co-dependent in the relationship. You still are not looking out for yourself and your son and doing what you can to have a content and fulfilled life independent of your ex and all his problems. Its still to entertwined and I fear you will eventually project this into life with your son. If you are really looking at him as a friend then you should not be this dependent on how he is doing for your own happiness. If you are then you are still moving toward a lifetime of problems which you have no obligation to take on. Instead you should be glad this happened before you are bound to him, be a supportive friend, and move on with your life. You can have a healthy relationship with someone else and not be burdened with excess baggage that will eventually burden your son also. But you can still be a friend to him at the same time. Think of it as a close girlfriend who became mentally ill. You could support her but still life a happy and healthy life outside of her problems.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi committed. Yes. I am probably co-dependent by this stage and feel like I have definitely lost my sense of self in all of this mess. Every happiness seems to depend on his mood that day. This episode has made me really insecure and worried all the time. 

I am unclear on what I even think myself.

If he wants me to be more than a friend, but can't / won't give me a "relationship" because he can't deal with anything on that level right now, then is it okay to either:

a) Let him take things at his own pace as he recovers and be fine with talking regularly and seeing each other every week or two for a date to give him space to heal and slowly grow back our relationship.

or 

b) Tell him that I am there for him and have not let go of a hope for a future with him, but that my role right now has to be only "friend" because what he is asking of me is basically unreasonable. He needs to work out all his feelings and sort his own head out and until he has done that we need complete separation from a romantic relationship.

I am genuinely not sure if option (a) is absolutely fine to live with once someone has had a breakdown or if accepting that actually makes me a needy loser.

I know many people are telling me just to be a friend, but really...I find that impossible to maintain for some reason. If he comes near me we end up holding each other and kissing.

I do know thought that this stops me from moving on with my life as a single person.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi sarajane231, I remember you too.

First off, part of what you are going through could be a type of bereavement. It is normal for us to grieve the loss of a relationship, especially if it is taken through death, accident, or in your case, mental break down. When going through a divorce many of us grieve too, but we are given time to process it and see it coming. But in some other instances, it is so sudden we loose that time. In your case, he is still physically here, but emotionally gone. I can see where it would be very difficult to process, especially when you are still seeing him and helping him.

Another food for thought. When women have an intimate relationship and experience an "O", we release a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone is the "love" hormone. It is the same one that is released in large amounts when we give birth (natural, not C-section) and allows us to bond with our babies. Men have this too during sex, but not to the same extent. Every time you sleep with him, hold hands, kiss -your body creates more of this oxytocin which reunites you to him emotionally. Problem is, it is not doing the same thing for him.

No one can tell you what you should do. You have to decide what is best for you and your son. Do you wait and see if the love you are morning ever returns? Will it ever return? No one knows. He might get it back, then again he may never return to the person he once was. Does he need you? Probably, most people suffering from emotion distress need other people to pamper and console them. But is it in your best interest to be this person for him? How long are you willing to live in limbo?

The uncertainty of your situation is difficult. If you were already married, then of course everyone would be telling you to hang in there. But you aren't married and he is not the father of your child. If it was just you that this affected, then that would be different, but you have a child and he has been through a lot too. Is your emotional energy going towards this man taking away from your son? Who are you putting first right now, your needs, your mans needs, or your sons needs? As a mom, especially if I were a single mom, I would not put anyone or anything before my children.

Maybe if you step back and really think about these questions, you will be able to figure out what is best for ALL involved.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sara, I can't remember have you ever had counseling regarding the relationship? 

I tried to put myself in your place and think if I went through an episode like that while I was engaged, what would I do? One of the first things I thought about is could I endure the possibility of going through a life-time of such episodes and it, in fact, becomes my life. There are some threads on TAM about dealing with a mental illness within a marriage. I can`t seem to recall anyone saying if they had Known before marrying would they have chose the life they now had. 

You have the opportunity to avoid this possible headache but your strong feeelings for him are clouding your ability to make the choice that would be best for you and your son. Maybe counseling would help? I truly truly feel for you. How do you give up on someone that you love so much? But you have the added consideration of your son and he must be at the top of your list. I know you probably feel like you will love and take care of your son and he will be fine. Maybe he will but can you take that chance? 

I hope some more experienced and wiser TAMers will chime in one more time. You love him and it is difficult for you to make an objective choice.

ETA: I posted this before I read JH post. That is some excellent advice and explains your attachment so well. I just hope you will be able to make the right choice and find true contenment for you and son


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thank you JustHer. Your post made me cry. 

If I was not already thinking these things I would not be posting yet again. I am on a rollercoaster all the time with this. I feel this absolutely nagging sense inside of me that I just need to let go because the mess is too big, but I don't WANT to let go.

It feels so alien and wrong in my gut. We didn't have problems in our relationship. We were planning our wedding. We were happy. It was magic. Our kids are like brothers. It all happened due to freak circumstance and that makes it incredibly difficult to just walk away. Of all the reasons to lose out on love this one seems like a cruel one for us both.

I know he made bad choices. Yet I hear over and over from therapists, websites and people who have had severe depression or breakdowns tell me that his behavior is perhaps understandable. It's like I want definitive answers but none exist.

As you say...with divorce you have some build up (usually). There wasn't one for me. Adjustment to an overnight loss like this is more like a death but as you say he is still here and he is still giving me part of him. If he had died I know I would have given ANYTHING for ANY part of him. 

You want to be smart but you lose site of what that is. Is is smart to walk away from an otherwise wonderful family and relationship because your partner behaved atrociously when depressed?...Or is it wiser to go through the process of healing together to hopefully find a better and stronger version of yourselves at the end? 

I honestly do not know the answer. I wish I knew!!!!

My son wants his stepdad back, he wants his brother back...he doesn't want to lose that life we had. It was the happiest life he has known and he absolutely LOVES his stepdad. We might not have been married, but we lived as if we were, and our kids see each other as real siblings even if they are not. I know they will adjust, but are they better off without each other? No way. I just can't see that life is better for them with our family separated. All they do is miss each other but at the same time I am afraid of trying again, failing and hurting them more.

Yes, I am ashamed to admit this experience has affected my son. I have cried a lot, been sad a lot, been distant, had trouble sleeping, been nervous, pre-occupied. It's been a grief for me and I have not been myself. I am coming to the end of that phase as the shock and pain wear off a bit. I am going to focus now 100% on my son, I promise that. I feel a lot of guilt over it that I was not fully available when he needed me the most. I hate myself for that and want to give him a happy Mummy from now on.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Committed, I know what you are saying, but genuinely I'm not going to stop myself from marrying this man because he might get depressed again. I know it is a real and practical consideration that I have to go into with my eyes wide open, but I am also sure on a few things.

The first is that he is being treated and is getting counselling for his issues. He is now prepared, educated and in a much better position to manage it is it comes back. 

I am also educated myself, I would see the signs, I would know what to do, I would be better equipped to manage things.

I also know that the trauma from this situation came about precisely because neither of us actually knew he was depressed until it was far too late. If we had known, none of it would have turned out this way.

It's not so much this I worry about, rather than the practicalities of rebuilding our lives.

I am getting weekly counselling, and so is he, but not as a couple. I know that will have to come later but how can he work on "us" when he is still so depressed.

He says when he sees his son he counts the minutes until he has to go back to his Mother's house. This is NOT the man I know! He adored his son. In that state of mind, I know he has nothing yet to give me OR the kids so it leaves me in limbo.

Maybe I need a list of boundaries. What JustHer said about sex and hormones is right. It DOES make me feel attached and close to him. I thought that was a good thing, but maybe I can see it's not.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Here are the stages of bereavement:

A grieving person passes through seven stages (Recover-from-grief.com). They may occur in any order, and some stages may occur simultaneously. They are: 1) shock and denial, an attempt to avoid pain by denying the loss; 2) pain and guilt, a period of devastating pain and feelings that life is chaotic; 3) anger and bargaining, including emotional outbursts that can permanently damage relationships and attempts to bargain with a higher power for relief from the emotional pain; 4) depression and loneliness, or a period of reflection during which the person realizes the full impact of the loss; 5) upward turn, when the person begins to adjust to the loss; 6) reconstruction of life without the loved one; and 7) acceptance and hope. Acceptance does not imply happiness. Instead, the grieving person can now reminisce about the loved one with sadness, but without intense emotional pain.

Sometimes people can get "stuck" in one of the stages, for months or years. This prevents them from moving on. It is also not necessary to go through all stages, especially if the reason for the grief disappears, like the loved one comes back.

A good counselor trained in grief could benefit you much.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks JustHer. I am in 4 mainly. Sometimes 3. 

Definitely not got to the beautiful 5 stage yet.

I actually weirdly know that whether or not we get back together or not I still need to go through all that for what we lost.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well, I truly sympathize with you and encourage you to see a good grief counselor.

It will not be easy, but hang in there........


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sarajane, I remember your posts too. I felt for you then and I feel for you now.

I wonder if you're actually experiencing PTSD? What you have been through is very traumatic...

I am very concerned for your mental health. I honestly think that you would be better off, and your son too, if you were closer to your family. I know that means you'd be away from your fiance, but he's getting what he needs, he's getting counselling and treatment...he has support - you don't.

The most important thing that you can do for your son, is TAKE CARE OF HIS MOTHER. He deserves all of you. 

This doesn't mean you can't still be there for your fiance, just to a lesser degree for a while. You must take care of yourself - otherwise you'll sink down into that black hole too. What will your son do then?

xxx


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thank you Frudsil. Yes, I think I am not really okay. I am not sure if I have PTSD, but I'm in some sort of shock or something. It's not like normal sadness like I have experienced before. It's like being separated from reality or something and I feel lost.

I know it makes sense to be nearby family, but my son wants to go back to his old school and friends and I think he needs some stability. If he is okay, I hope it will lead to me being okay too.

In a way I feel like having people around me does nothing to help anyway. I mostly just want to be alone and find talking to people hard and tiring. How can any of them understand how I feel.

I am due to leave his house today. He's just gone to work. 

Last night was our "last night" together. I sat down and had the talk with him that I knew I needed to have so that I can heal and be a mother to my son. You were all right. I love this man with all my heart, I really do, but I am a Mother and that comes first. I need emotional stability for myself and his changing moods seem to govern every thought or feeling that I have.

I explained that I was being pulled in and then pushed away simultaneously and that his depressed behavior was often cruel and painful for me. He re-iterated that he is too ill for a relationship right now, but that we can visit and that he wanted me to wait for him because he knew he would be back one day.

I explained that continuing to see him / sleep with him and "saving myself" was preventing me from moving on and healing and was leaving me in limbo, and that as much as I loved him and would do anything to be with him...this scenario was just making it impossible for me to be able to live a normal life.

I explained I would be leaving today and that after that I felt it was best for us not to see each other or to have contact so I could regain stability in myself.

He slipped almost instantly into a very dark depression. His face went black, his eyes went dead. I asked if he was sad and he said he felt no emotions whatsoever and that he only felt devoid of all feelings and dead inside.

I know he is depressed and is detached from it all completely but I cried a lot. I could not help it. It was "goodbye" from the person (aside from my son) that I have loved the most in my life and I was even cheated out of him feeling any sorrow at all over it or even acknowledging the loss. 

I know that sounds selfish and I am talking to strangers on the internet, but we loved each other. We had a beautiful family and we were so happy before he was sick. It's a tragic waste and a horrible loss and I am the only one who knows because he has forgotten how to feel.

All he said was that he felt like he was dying inside almost every day and that he was hanging on to life by his fingernails. He let me go without any fight at all. No argument. Just a withdrawal to the black dog.

I feel pretty bad today. The last two days I just think about dying a lot. I can't say that to anyone in real life. I know I'd never do anything stupid. It's just that the thought keeps springing to my mind that it would be so peaceful to escape or to try and find some way to make this all have not happened to us.

We were such good people. I know that might be an egotistical thing to say, but we were plodding along in life in all the right ways. We loved each other so much. We giggled every night in bed and felt so lucky. Every day with him I felt grateful for being blessed by having someone so wonderful. Every Sunday morning when our kids got into our bed with us I would feel such a sense of complete happiness.

It's gone. Not just for me, but for our children. I feel such a grief for them too. 

It's all been so unfair and so wrong.

Sorry I am blathering away. I can't talk to anyone in real life. No one would ever understand.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am so sorry for your pain... Keep us up on how the move goes and how your are settling. The feelings you are having I think are normal. Eventually the days won't seem so long and dark.

One more thought. Some of the antidepressants out there actually have an affect on some people that leave them feeling emotionless, dead inside - they feel nothing. If the medication isn't working for your friend, perhaps he should talk to his Dr. about trying a different one.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi All

2.5 weeks onwards from my last post on this, and I a living in my new place and getting settled.

There have been ups and downs. I am glad to see my son happy and in his new bedroom, back at school and having some semblance of a normal life.

My fiance turned fairly nasty on me after what happened. That wasn't good. He said he didn't love me, blamed me for his depression, said a lot of pretty bad stuff. 

I really miss him. Getting on with it though.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

So glad to hear that things are working out for you.

I am sorry your xbf was mean to you. Even though you know it is the illness, it still hurts. 

Hang in there, time has a way of working things out.


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> I have posted here twice before with regards to my situation and find myself coming back for a bit more support as time goes on and things move forward. I hope no one minds me re-posting. Every time I do it seems to give me new resolve and so much of you have really helpful input to give me. I know I am a bit needy right now
> 
> To recap, my Fiance a walked out and split up the family pretty much out of nowhere a few months ago. Please feel free to read my old threads, but suffice to say he left me and my son in a terrible situation and I have been to hell and back.
> 
> ...


im sorry you are having to go through all that!! Im sure it is really emotionally draining for you I am dealing with something similar in a relatiionship..Ive been dating a girl for a while that suffers from depression and she recently got off her meds, and is a completely diff person. Less affectionate, kinda distant,moody,sex has not happened in a while. She feels horrible about her body now that she is fat etc...Tuff to be around all that at times, i love her like crazy and miss how she use to be,and hope she gets back to the way she was. I wish i had some great advice for you,for myself ive been on this site looking for advice and answers. My thinking is this at least for my situation, i love her like crazy and am willing to wait it out and see if things work it self out(she is planning on getting back on meds). Its so easy like many say on this site, oh just dump her and move on..Hard when love is involved. I truly wish you the best of luck


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EngleM, your situation is VERY different from Sarajanes. She had been living with her fiance and raising children with him, they've been together a long time. They were a family, there's children involved.

You've only been with your gf for 3 months. You don't know her well enough to miss "who she used to be".

Sorry to be blunt, but the situations are incomparable.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hello everyone. 

I am a month on now from ending the relationship with my depressed fiance and have to say it does get a little better with time.

I at least resist the urge to contact him - which I now by now is futile. It might get me sex, cuddles, being told he misses me and still loves me but invariably he can't cope with a relationship and I just would end up hurt.

I have told him I am there for support as a friend, but he finds that too difficult.

One thing someone suggested on my very first post here was that he showed signs of bipolar. I am increasingly convinced this is the case. 

He certainly, in the first month, showed signs of what I think they call "mixed state". Extreme agitation, strange sexual behaviour, recklessness, sleeping 3 hours a night, extreme lying, insane drinking (3 bottles of wine a day). I only observed all this behaviour after the fact when talking to him because at the time he was not in contact. He describes this period as "hell on earth".


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I wonder what would have happened if he got ill/depressed after you had married him - would you be bound by the "in sickness and in health" vow/clause ?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm glad you moved to your new place. No matter what happens, doing this is healing for you and for him.

If nothing else, remember that mental healing usually takes MUCH longer than physical healing. Lots and lots of hard work.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

manfromlamancha.....I am bound by the sickness and health clause _already._ I love him. Can't stop loving him. I cry for three or four hours every day. I'd do anything for him to come home. I'd happily live with a lack of affection or a need to be selfish or be alone. I'd nurse him. I'd support him. I'd do whatever I could.

Unfortunately *HE* left *ME*, and while he's happy to come back to me once a month or so for a few days of happiness where he "sees through the fog" and wants a future with me - he invariably leaves again (emotionally if not physically - he suddenly turns cold and heartless on me again and he states pretty plainly a lot of the time that he:

1. Doesn't think he loves me anymore
2. Actually blames for for his depression
3. Is generally happier without me

It's a bit like pulling a fish out of a lake, waiting until it's almost dead, then dunking it back in for a gasp of breath before repeating the process.

I would honestly give / do / say anything to have him here, sick or not -but on the terms he is offering he really leaves me no choice for my own sanity but to stay away from someone who is ultimately being abusive.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well, I am glad to hear you are making progress. I know it is still hard, but yes, time does heal.

Wishing you the best


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks Justher and Turnera who have been there from the beginning. 

It does get easier  Some days I actually feel happy. Just simple things like it being a nice day. My feelings of love for my son started to return after the adrenalin and numbness wore off and he is now the light in my life that he always was before this.

I have made my little house "mine" and decorated it quite girly and have all the wardrobe space  All the shelves in the bathroom are mine. I get a lot more time with friends and I do feel a sense of growing peace.

Of course, on days the grief comes like a freight train but I try and remind myself that there's nothing wrong with loving someone so much and I tell myself that this is good.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> he states pretty plainly a lot of the time that he:
> 
> 1. Doesn't think he loves me anymore
> *2. Actually blames for for his depression*
> ...


Sarajane, I hope you realise that you are NOT responsible for his depression.

I'm also very glad that you realise that his behaviour is abusive.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in, but am so glad to hear that you're getting there, and making a life for yourself and your son. Who knows what the future holds, but in the meantime you MUST look after yourself...your son is depending on you.

Big hugs, and well done xxx


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks Frudsil. I spent a very long time blaming myself. He seemed so convinced.

Then again, I sat with him and asked him...

1. Was I affectionate, sexually responsive? Yes
2. Was I kind, supportive, respectful, loving? Yes
3. Did we have a great friendship, was I easy to talk to? Yes
4. Did we laugh together and have fun? yes
5. Were we arguing or having problems? No

And a million other questions and all the answers came back to confirm that as I thought - we had a really wonderful relationship. 

He says I am to blame for his depression because I was anxious myself under the stress we were under :/ and providing support to me used all his resources.

As far as I knew, we supported each other. It wasn't my fault if he was unable to ask for what he needed. Choosing to pretend he was fine was his own decision.

I can see now in the cold light of day that he cannot blame me for becoming stressed out and needing his support. He needs to blame himself for not having the coping skills to be able to provide that support or to be able to communicate when he himself was faltering.

It has taken me a VERY long time to get there Frudsil.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

sarajane231 said:


> I am bound by the sickness and health clause _already._ I love him. Can't stop loving him. I cry for three or four hours every day. I'd do anything for him to come home. I'd happily live with a lack of affection or a need to be selfish or be alone. I'd nurse him. I'd support him. I'd do whatever I could.
> 
> Unfortunately *HE* left *ME*, and while he's happy to come back to me once a month or so for a few days of happiness where he "sees through the fog" and wants a future with me - he invariably leaves again (emotionally if not physically - he suddenly turns cold and heartless on me again and he states pretty plainly a lot of the time that he:
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: sarajane, you're stronger than you think! I'm glad you moved out and are moving on — and that you recognized his behavior for what it is (co-dependency and abuse). I know it hurts now ... but I have faith that if you found the strength to leave and break up, you WILL find someone better. You deserve better than crumbs from his table (when he feels like tossing them to you, that is).

Also, as someone with depression, I can tell you that condition is NOT your fault and never was. Many are born with the tendency to develop it (as I was); it's a complex chemical process in the brain that can take years to learn how to manage. What triggers its development, no one really knows. However, under NO circumstances do people with depression or bi-polar have the right to abuse/inflict harm on anyone. It's the responsibility of the ill person to get into and stay with treatment. Blaming you for his depression seems to be a symptom of his deeper issues (i.e. blaming someone/something else when things go wrong in his life).

Again, I'm glad you saw through his B.S. and are moving on. Things WILL get better for you!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks sunvalley. I do know deep down that what he is saying is unfair and his behavior has been abusive.

I also know he has deep seated communication issues / childhood issues / repression issues / pas pain and also a genetic history of depression (his brother hasn't worked in years due to depression) so blaming it on me is a bit of a coward's way out.

One of two things will happen. Either he will shows some balls and get to the real root of this in counselling or he will continue to blame me because it's just easier.

It's his choice which path he takes but if he takes the second path he will have another breakdown eventually. The man literally has no coping skills to deal with stress of any kind.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

I am glad you are pulling through. 

You were involved with someone with mental illness. In the end, he left you. I do feel empathy for him. Can you imagine how his life is on a daily basis? I think it's great that you stood by him, and gave all you could. I am sure if you thought it would help, you would at least try to be friends with him. 

I know through this very difficult time, you felt guilty you weren't always there for your son. But you are there for him NOW, and that's important. We are all human. And as long as our children know we love them, they will always forgive us.

It will take time but I am glad you are recovering. You are in a new apartment, new setting. You have provided stability for your son.

You have pulled through!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I feel empathy for him too Boricha  Constantly, I see the best in him and as i have said a million times before I would have given anything / done anything for him to have allowed me to hold his hand through this.

I know a lot of people (especially my closest friends) were getting angry at me for keeping going back but to be honest I am really glad I did. I can stand back now and feel 100% certain I gave it my all.

I could never have rested if I'd not been sure I'd done everything.

You can't stand by someone if they don't *want* you to though. 

With him, one minute it would be thanking me for being there, telling me he loved me and just as I felt comfortable and like things were better he would turn dark an horrible again. 

Sometimes the conversations were so mentally abusive that I would be unable to sleep or eat. 

At one point a few weeks ago he phoned me when I was at a friends house and started telling me I was annoying him by contacting him, that his depression was my fault, that he was happier without me etc.

He was so incredibly cold and vicious to me that afterwards I had to get given a sedative from the doctor because I was needing to breathe into a paper bag and was shaking.

A week after that he was back to "himself", knocking on my door in tears apologising, saying he didn't know what came over him. He says he gets very stressed and lashes out. He looks completely puzzled himself.

As I said, I do think it runs deeper than depression.

I know he has mental illness but it genuinely is ONLY me at the receiving end of this crap and he acts normal (if a bit cold and detached) with everyone else. 

I can't be around that. My son can't be around it.

I AM recovering, I might cry every day a lot but before I was more like a robot so I know the crying is a more normal reaction!

My son is doing great, and I finally have my feelings back after the numbness I had. Have to say I am not looking forward to Easter...holidays are the worst!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

To be honest, what I believe is that he hates himself right now, and I am the biggest reminder of the things he has done. If I disappear he's no longer the man who walked out on his family. If he sees me and sees my tears he hates me for them.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

I can't agree more with what you just said. He definitely has more than depression. It does sound like you were truly in love and of course you're going to mourn that loss. 

When he talks to you that way, please know that it's his illness talking. I hope he continues getting the help he desperately needs. In the end, he lost everything. You will go on and find someone. But him, not so sure.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, I agree. I have heard depressed people can sometimes be aggressive and illogical but sometimes it seems far beyond that.

He had a 10 minute argument with me because he said my grandmother having a stroke 4 years ago was stressful for him (????). Not sure how he thought that was my fault, or even how it affected him seeing as she lives 8 hours away but in his head this is me "causing his depression".

It could just be extremely severe depression or he might be bipolar. I wont try and diagnose him because I know nothing but I do think we have not yet heard the end of the story.

I was truly in love...thank you for acknowledging that. I still am, and yes, it hurts a lot.

Thank you so much for reminding me it is the illness talking. I do need to keep clinging on to that.

That was such a supportive message...thank you. I know he has lost everything, but he has a long way to go on this.

xxxxx


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If nothing else, remind yourself that you leaving him is the only way he'll ever get help.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

This isn't the way I wanted it, but I do see that this journey has nothing to do with me and it is one he has had coming for probably 10 years. 

A lot of his insecurities were tied up in me and him not feeing good enough or like he could truly be weak.

I know none of this is from me, and I know he knows it too. He came to be fundamentally loving me but also totally unable to manage an adult relationship because he'd just never learned.

His system of adoring me worked very well in good times - but without conflict resolution skills, communication, openness of negative feelings and worries and being able to show weaknesses and fears to your partner you are not on stable ground when bad times come.

He does see this. He knows his entire personality and view of himself has unravelled. 

Sometimes life isn't how you expect it to be but in a way I suppose it makes sense for him.

For me, I do see some positives. I was overly dependent on him. No question.

This is good for me. I know it will be. I only feel bad now really for our children.


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