# Is this emotional infidelity? How to deal with it?



## Sanguine (Jan 16, 2009)

I have been married for 4.5 years and have a 10 month old baby now.My husband and I have been living in different countries for a little more than one year.

I came to my parents place during the last trimester of my first pregnancy and been here ever since, since we don’t have a good enough support system back in the other place to look after the baby and me. I haven’t been in the best of health since the delivery of my baby. Anyway, I am planning to join him soon.

My husband's female colleague/team mate in office /friend used to pick and drop him in her car from/to office/home whenever their office move in move out times matched as our home is on the way from her place to office. 

I know her and her parents too and have met her on a few occasions. She happened/happens to be a good friend of his. They also share a common interest in a sport which is another great binding factor.But I did not really approve of her inclination towards my hubby ever since I felt she’s had some inclination. 

In spite of this my husband got very close to this girl during my absence. He became her agony uncle for all reasons and seasons. I think she got extremely emotionally attached to him. They - just the two of them went out for a movie, and had been dining together a lot, lunching together a lot.

They also chatted excessively online in office, from home, exchanged lots of smses. She picked and dropped him almost everyday during my absence. Her journal entries would invariably be during my husband’s visits to me and would always be about how much she misses her dear friend.

She used to send him smses like "miss you as always”, "do u miss me, how much?" during my hubby’s visit to me during the one year.

When the extreme emotional attachment came to my notice, 2 months ago, I discussed the matter with my husband. He apologised to me for his behavior, for having given his female friend too much liberty and promised to change things. But he also said that he thought things would automatically be resolved when I would be back with him and so he didn’t really feel he was cheating on me. He didn’t think it is such a big matter after all. He thinks it’s a cultural difference and he is more open minded than I am. I was appalled by his attitude.

Now, their communication - online chats, mails, smses etc has come down a lot and they also don’t spend too much time together. But it hasn’t been totally cut off. Maybe cannot be totally cut off because they both still work for the same company though not the same team and have a same group of friends with whom they lunch etc.

She still messages him during weekends. My husband actually told me that he would stop the car rides and that would make a difference, but I don’t know what I was trying or thinking then. I told him I didn’t mind the rides. Later I realized that I did mind them and it was not helping my cause to forget the whole issue. But now, he says he still prefers to commute in her car as it saves him a lot of time, energy and also some money and tries to convince me that it will do no harm to us though I have told him that I am not comfortable with it.I am not sure whether am being mean here. Please let me know your opinion.

But this is just the tip of the ice berg. My husband is generally a nice person, a nice dad and a helpful person. He mingles well with my parents-brothers and financially very supportive.

But our married life has been a roller coaster ride all along. I had to relocate to where my husband works after marriage. I did not find a suitable job in the new place. And I was never really happy with where my career was going. And of course this overall affected our marriage.

I can’t remember the last time he complimented me. And I think I actually remember the last time he kissed me. Whenever I hugged him, he would not even hug me back. It would just be a pat or nothing. Its always I who initiates, who holds his hands or arms and even sits next to him on the sofa etc.

And I am not talking about public displays of affection; this is the case in privacy. I tend to feel very unwanted and ignored at such times. I can’t be doing things without being reciprocated. The only time he probably touches me is in bed maybe that too for a reason which of course is the physical reunion or just to say things are fine.

Our sexual life has been a big failure too as far as I see it. And at most times it is I who initiates this as well. It is kind of a monotonous repetitive drill. I don’t think he gets excited by me. Neither do I get excited by him. In the initial period of our marital life, he used to be very excited, too excited for my comfort. I needed some time. But he I guess lost interest once and for all. I must admit that am not a very attractive woman, just the average Jane. Husband is good looking but I did not fall in love with him for his looks. He did not seem that good looking to me anyway then.

Do not think it was even 1 year into marriage, since I began feeling that my husband is not interested in me, that I am not exciting. My husband still cares for me I guess, and does give me those anniversary and birthday gifts dutifully. But somehow I find the spark, the excitement, the passion, the romance, the intimacy the joy in our life missing. And I have tried to restore them but in vain.

Hence, I have always felt my husband hasn’t fulfilled my emotional, physical and sexual needs though I maybe responsible for it , I am not sure. Maybe we were never meant to be..be a couple.I have always been longing for his affection. I am not sure whether I have satisfied his needs (mostly not satisfied) because he is not very open and expressive about a lot of issues. Whenever I have asked he's said he has no complaints. I have all along expressed all my dissatisfaction to him time and time again. Recently again, I think I discussed things more openly and explicitly than ever. But I do not think he still understands my feelings, my needs and wants and neither does he want to talk about all this again and again.

Time and again he gets very close to one female friend or the other in spite of knowing my dislike; discomfort with it. He has however assured that such things won’t happen in future. How do I trust him? Somehow he still has not cut off all communication with his car drop friend. Can they remain good (not close as they were before) friends while he tries to sort out things with me?

So it’s been tough for me to forget the whole issue and I keep going through the pain and anguish as I can’t get my mind off it.

I am also tired of nagging and cajoling and begging him all the time in all ways I know to be more affectionate, intimate and expressive. And anyway I don’t feel good getting things done out of force than out or real affection, love or need.

I wonder at times whether there is any point in continuing such a relationship. The only reason to continue could be for our child, but otherwise, there seems no point. It could well be a relationship only for convenience.

Please advise.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

Sanguine, you and your husband have drifted apart. I'm sure that the separation and the birth of your child has contributed. But your husband is on dangerous ground with his attachment to his female "friend". I would insist that he stop his contact with her. If he wants to save his marriage, he needs to focus on you. You two need time together. And counseling.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Sounds like an emotional affair and I wouldnt be surprised if there is a physical affair involved also. No one can split themselves in half and give total attention to each person they are involved with so the inattention he is giving you is because he's giving a lot of his emotional feelings to her right now.

Even if you angrily demand no contact with the person, the lack of affection from him will still be there because he will be angry that you are trying to make him stop his little relationship.

I'm in a similar situation. I confronted my husband (emotional affair and possibly a physical affair with coworker thats been going on for about 5 years! and just discovered it in July 2008). He still maintains that its never been sexual, that they are "just friends", that he has no feelings of love for her, etc. I demanded no contact with her ever. He went and bought a secret prepaid cell phone and kept calling her. Its been 6 months now and he's still talking to her on the secret cell phone. Beginning of January I found his phone and saw that he's still making calls to her, confronted him about it, he told a bunch of lies and I told him I wanted a divorce. He has now stopped using the phone but I dont know if he has stopped talking to her when we are at work.

He is now sleeping on the couch. He has not touched me or kissed me or made the effort of telling me he loved me in 5 years. The only way any of that happens is if I initiate it. I've stopped initiating. I'm friendly with him, but I'm very distant now and will stay that way until he puts forth the effort that I've been putting forth all these years (we've been married 22 years).

Good luck. Emotional Affairs are nasty business because feelings are involved and difficult to walk away from.


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