# Going on 6 months



## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

So....my husband called me out tonight on being irritable and easily annoyed. He's right. I am. And I know why. Because our sex life is **** that's why. Because among other issues his weight and health make me uncomfortable. Because it's so bad I'm not going to initiate again.

It got so bad before we stopped having sex that I felt like I deserved an Oscar afterwards for acting like I was ok let alone satisfied. Let me say, I met my husband when I was 18 and I'm 42. I loved our intimate life. The only time I turned him down was when he wanted it and I would be late to work or it was right before the kids had to get up for school...or at 4am waking me up from a dead sleep. To hear it now those rejections are why he rejects me now. He forgets how I used to chase him around right up to the last few years when he would decline constantly.

Well, the old adage use it or lose it is true. My Mojo is totally out of whack. I'm pretty sure my anger and irritability after almost 6m of no intimacy along with this screwy new anxiety I have about it all have just, broken me. 

I started sleeping in the spare room a few weeks ago after a year of telling him we need a new bed. Ours is old and the box spring is shot and his increased weight means I'm sleeping on the edge of Everest. between him and his dog I had to sleep with my knees to my chin. Anyhow he's like personally offended. Meanwhile I'm so well rested it's glorious.
I've been promoted at work and need to be mentally on point so that's a big part of my quiet spare room.

Being sexless means Everything is pissing me off. I'm irritated when he crashes down next to me on the sofa. When he power farts next to me. You know how hunger makes you hangry? I'm that, but w this sex problem and him. 

He had a really ****ty affair in 09. Mind you I knew he was mid life crisis cruising. Before his affair I felt that coming, offered to arrange a threesome, did all the stuff they say to do to keep his interest. But in the end I wasn't enough. He affaired down and I took him back. I thought I was over it. But, I find myself regretting reconciling if this is it. 

I wish he would get his **** together. I've managed his emotionally closed, stonewalling, my way or the highway personality my whole adult life, but I can't take being in a sexless marriage.I find myself wishing hed have another affair or fall in love with someone else who he will feel motivated enough to lose some weight, improve his blood pressure (he refuses to see the dr or get back on bp or cholesteral meds) and shave his back for so I won't be the one who calls it quits. Because sad as it is he needs me and I'm not an *******.

I'm just a physical in the love languages who needs passionate kisses and afternoon delight. At least I admit I'm an irritable ***** at the moment. I am so angry at him for all of this. I'm angry I'm financially chained to him and that he's a terrible husband in 100 ways but I'd forgive him as usual if we still had passion. Because honestly it used to be worth it and I felt like it was the only way we connected.

I can hear him snoring two rooms away. I'd literally kill for him to get himself together. (no ed and he says his t levels were good last time he was tested.)

Sorry for the rant. I made him mad because I was watching the movie and didn't hear him tell me to look at something....and I was exasperated. So he told me I'm exhausting and left his popcorn and went to bed. I think I'm losing my dang mind. 

I hate being grumpy and a nun and I don't think this is fixable and I'm paying all the bills and can't just leave. Marriage sucks.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

My guess is you're past grumpy. Your resentment and belittling toward your husband are eating you alive, My suggestion would be IC for you to help you develop a plan. Sounds like he is as 'done' as you are.


It gets confusing when you create new threads on the same topic. Why did you not stay with: Holding on for dear life?


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

I dont belittle him. I encourage him to come to the gym w me, go for walks, I make him doctors appointments he won't go on and saw his buttons back on his pants. I try to do what he wants when he wants. I jump through more hoops than a Ringling brothers liger. But I'm so on edge I am starting to lose my usual cool facade. And I feel like he's going to have a heart attack and he doesn't care and I'm going to have to manage everything and his health....like I did for my mom when she did the same things he is. I'm mad. And sick of my vibrator.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lakesparrow said:


> So....my husband called me out tonight on being irritable and easily annoyed. He's right. I am. And I know why. Because our sex life is **** that's why. Because among other issues his weight and health make me uncomfortable. Because it's so bad I'm not going to initiate again.
> 
> It got so bad before we stopped having sex that I felt like I deserved an Oscar afterwards for acting like I was ok let alone satisfied. Let me say, I met my husband when I was 18 and I'm 42. I loved our intimate life. The only time I turned him down was when he wanted it and I would be late to work or it was right before the kids had to get up for school...or at 4am waking me up from a dead sleep. To hear it now those rejections are why he rejects me now. He forgets how I used to chase him around right up to the last few years when he would decline constantly.
> 
> ...


The only thing you are doing wrong is not being honest with him. He sucks. You should straight up tell him that and if he doesn't get his **** together you are leaving. And then follow through. Honestly I am not sure why you are staying in the first place. 

Unfortunately this is one of those stories that just reinforces my belief that people who cheat are just generally bad spouses to begin with and the cheating is the culmination of a very long road of entitlement and neglect on their part, towards their spouse. 

I also have another theory, once the person who was cheated on gets away and meets someone else, someone who is just a good spouse in an ordinary way, not even spectacularly, they are blow away at how much they settled with the last one. It's just that they didn't know any better because they didn't have any context to judge. 

I think this theory will be right for you as well. You have been with him from a very young age. There are lots of men who would run circles around there house to have their wives hungry to have sex with them. And they know enough to take care of their appearance and don't have affairs. Imagine that! 

The time fore being his Mom for him is over, he's a grown man. 

Seriously life is too short.


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

Because that was the introduction section. As I now realize being in a sexless marriage fo 5.5 months may be contributing to my irritable mood, loss of willingness to stay married to him, I put this under the sex in marriage section. I honestly don't know what normal married people do, I've never had that example. He was happy with sex once every 6 or 8 weeks for years. Now with this long haitus I'm not sure I could just do it again. it's been too long. I'm insecure. And I'm super anxious. I feel really disconnected on a lot of levels. It's like when someone dies and you miss them every day at first, but over time you acclimate to the pain but you may feel shook up when youre reminded of them. That's me and my sex life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lakesparrow said:


> So....my husband called me out tonight on being irritable and easily annoyed. He's right. I am. And I know why. Because our sex life is **** that's why. Because among other issues his weight and health make me uncomfortable. Because it's so bad I'm not going to initiate again.
> 
> It got so bad before we stopped having sex that I felt like I deserved an Oscar afterwards for acting like I was ok let alone satisfied. Let me say, I met my husband when I was 18 and I'm 42. I loved our intimate life. The only time I turned him down was when he wanted it and I would be late to work or it was right before the kids had to get up for school...or at 4am waking me up from a dead sleep. To hear it now those rejections are why he rejects me now. He forgets how I used to chase him around right up to the last few years when he would decline constantly.
> 
> ...


Print this out and let him read it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi Lake Sparrow,

Here is the thing ..... your going to be trapped in your eternal hell until you do something FOR YOURSELF. 

People can only change themselves.

Here is what I would prescribe: 

1. Do like GusP said and print out what you wrote and read it to him.

2. Go see a counselor and let him/her know what your feeling. (Your husband can choose to go but sounds like he will not be interested)

3. Read the book .... "Too good to go....Too bad to stay"

4. Then make the hard choice.


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## HDC (Nov 8, 2017)

You have to have a serious conversation with yourself. You need to find out what you can live with and what you can’t. There is no winning in this because either way is a tough road. If you stay then you have to start doing things for yourself and quit worrying about him as much. Stop trying to please, accommodate or baby him. Do things that bring you enjoyment and satisfaction. If you decide to divorce that’s a terrible thing also. ( as a good friend of mine said “ I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” ). You have a tough decision to make and neither road is easy or a great situation. Probably have to do the least painful thing at this point. If you divorce would you ever want to be married again? Those are questions you have to ask yourself.... some people just write off relationships after divorce.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Lakesparrow said:


> .... he says his t levels were good last time he was tested.


That may be what the Dr. told him.

Testosterone declines naturally in men as we age, it declines exponentially if the man is badly out of shape.

Without the actually number, you guys don't know if he was ''high normal'' or ''middle normal'' or ''scrapping the bottom of the barrel normal''.

I'm not a fan of taking exogenous T replacement, as I think it impairs the bodies natural ability to make it. Much better to eat lots of meat and lift heavy ****.

I'm curious who makes the food in the house. Is it carby. Do you guys eat out a lot?

Would he notice or kick up a childish fuss if you cooked Keto food? As an anecdote, I started Keto and then drifted into mainly carnivore about a year ago and dropped 35lbs without exercise. 

Just some thoughts.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Lakesparrow said:


> I'm paying all the bills and can't just leave.



Isn't this a contradiction? Sounds to me like you hold all of the cards.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Where the love ends the hate begins..

I see the hate, the love is gone, it like an old balloon that has deflated.

Shrunk past the point of no return, as when arctic ice water reaches a hale, male Eskimo's waist.

The damn thing, that love has retreated, has inverted, reverted to a divot, a hole filled with hate.

I see your hate.
I see your horny toad.

Show us your love.
Show yourself the rising path

The inflated state that will sate your loins, fill your heart.

You want my permission?

You have it, find a new man, find a new hard and hairless, shiny balloon to sail off on!





[THM]- Lilith


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

You’re tired of settling and you need change. Hell yes! Nothing should remain static!

You seem healthy professionally and that is great! 

You’re disgusted with your spouse and you’re on the edge. So was I. And I know this feeling.

Look at yourself objectively. And there is no way this can be 100% his fault. So own yourself as well. It’s liberating when you know yourself.

You can’t control him. But you can control yourself. Keep yourself well and become better!

Be bold and don’t be passive aggressive. Be bold, but with kindness. 

Make a move and give him a wake up call. There is an audiobook by Dr. James Dobson called “Love must be tough”. I think that book can give you the tools to develop a skill set for dealing with this. Even enlighten your perspective. If me or my ex-wife had of read that book before everything went down… I believe my situation could’ve been different. Listen to or read that book while you’re staying in a separate room where you can collect your thoughts. It’s a good time for some insight.

Do Not run to a new love or make your move after finding someone new. It will end horribly and you will collapse in on yourself emotionally, worse than you are now. Even though it feels right, justified and beautiful, it will destroy you over time because the terms and conditions were not right, justified or beautiful. 

I’m very sad you’re going through this. It sucks and it’s torture.

Sending Love! And Hope! And Be Well!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lakesparrow, have you considered "other options". I've known many women who had help making it in situation such as yours.


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

Thanks for all the feedback. I got on Amazon and listened to "too good to leave too bad to stay" For several hours while cleaning. I'm still processing, thanks for the referral. 

He won't do therapy and I tried 2 therapists. one was young, had lupus, missed her family in Florida, and after many thoughtful sessions she decided to move home. The other was about 20 years older than me ended up hitting on me. I never went back.

I have not cheated. I've had the opportunity with young attractive people who worked where I did but I made sure they all knew I was not that type (it was a wild cheating crazy bunch. over 200 employees there.) 

I don't think I'll marry again. I used to think I was half of a whole. Now I'm starting to think men get tired of whatever they get comfortable with. hence why they are always looming over the tv's for sale everywhere when their own tv is still in great shape.

I FEEL obligated to stay and keep the house from foreclosure. To keep things going. Maybe because I've invested everything I have. He put the house and car in his name. Cashed out his retirement and spent it. Works under the table fairly regularly for cash I can't track. At this point of owe him alimony lol and I make maybe 40 a year. AND he now keeps his vehicle in someone else's name so he'll get the vehicle I pay for that I need for work As it's officially the only vehicle. 

He's got me stuck. I just can't imagine a husband who fixes things around the house or wants to work out with me. I've been lonely for years. 

Yeah now I'm feeling new stuff. Anger, *****iness, and like someone said disgust. He is wasting our life. 

Why is he acting like this? Why doesn't he value me? Our home, his health, everything. 

According to him he struggled to be happy because he felt if I balanced housework, the kids, etc better I could have kept up better with the house like his mom did. I take that as, he never felt responsible for housework. I exist to be a maid. "we" didn't have chores, just I had them and he would have helped if he saw me trying harder. Essentially he had his friends and a life and the rest was my responsibility. Now that the kids are grown it's the same. I pick up after him or it doesn't get done. I put his clothes away or he lives out of a basket on the dryer. 

Please ignore that whole last para. I'm over that bull lol.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I think I need a Xanax ha!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lakesparrow, realistically you've got three choices.

A. Put the marriage out of your misery.

B. Find a friend with benefits.

C. Stay in the situation and put up with this crap until one of you kicks the bucket.

I've seen this type thing time and time again. You get yoked to someone who is happy with the way things and that's all that matters. Ain't enough counselors, time, money or your wishes in the world to make him change. If he's too good to leave, I'd hate to see what it would be like if you were actively seeking a way out. Take my word for it. He won't be that broken hearted if you do hit the trail.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Can I make it glow and flash as well, like emergency vehicle warning lights?



Lakesparrow said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I got on Amazon and listened to "too good to leave too bad to stay" For several hours while cleaning. I'm still processing, thanks for the referral.
> 
> He won't do therapy and I tried 2 therapists. one was young, had lupus, missed her family in Florida, and after many thoughtful sessions she decided to move home. The other was about 20 years older than me ended up hitting on me. I never went back.
> 
> ...


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

I've been listening to " Too good to leave too bad to stay." It's really defining the struggles I've had w my h. I honestly....feel stupid and not capable when I try to talk to him about what I feel isn't working in our life and what needs I have that aren't met. I'm seeing now in number 8, why that is. I think we would have a chance with therapy, maybe. But therapy is an "off the table" for him. Maybe he's just bullied me into shutting up for so long this is all an extension of that. I think it would make him very depressed if I figured out a way to leave. But I have a few bucks in retirement I could use to do it. But I wouldn't want to harm him. Why the he'll am I so loyal? I would have been a trophy wife for another kind of man. But to this one....he doesn't see me. Our daughter tells me to leave. She is 20, and has told me since she was 14. She says "mom, you're poetry that dad can't read." But if I'm so great why doesn't he act like I'm the problem all the time. Why doesn't he just treasure me. 

Why can't he look at me like the guys I meet or work w do? Hell that's how I found out about his affair. He took his mistress to a party, and a friend of his called me up later, he assumed H had made the affair official and had left me. Friend said he'd always admired me, thought I was a great mom, his kid loved me from school events etc and he wanted to know if I'd like to go for coffee. That's how I found out. I had no idea. "now that x and y are officially in a relationship, and you guys are seperated I wanted to ask you for coffre." 

I'll listen to some more of the book tomorrow. It's a lot to process that book. It's so hard to be honest w myself. And tbh if he asked me to go to therapy I'd go. I am loyal to a fault so it wouldn't be hard for him to lure me off the fence.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi again,

Glad you decided to get the book. Sometimes it takes some unbiased info and approach to see things a little clearer.

Understand this: NO amount of single sided effort will raise a marriage from the ashes. Only a couple working both under full effort and TRUE UNDERSTANDING AND EMPATHY FOR THEIR PARDNER can do that.

Do you think the two of you can do that as a couple? I think you know the answer ..... even your daughter does.


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## SkyFive (Apr 4, 2019)

Lakesparrow said:


> Being sexless means Everything is pissing me off. I'm irritated when he crashes down next to me on the sofa. When he power farts next to me. You know how hunger makes you hangry? I'm that, but w this sex problem and him.
> 
> 
> I'm just a physical in the love languages who needs passionate kisses and afternoon delight. At least I admit I'm an irritable ***** at the moment. I am so angry at him for all of this. I'm angry I'm financially chained to him and that he's a terrible husband in 100 ways but I'd forgive him as usual if we still had passion. Because honestly it used to be worth it and I felt like it was the only way we connected.
> ...


I feel ya. Farting!?! is not funny, cool or romantic.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Lakesparrow said:


> I've been listening to " Too good to leave too bad to stay." It's really defining the struggles I've had w my h. I honestly....feel stupid and not capable when I try to talk to him about what I feel isn't working in our life and what needs I have that aren't met. I'm seeing now in number 8, why that is. I think we would have a chance with therapy, maybe. But therapy is an "off the table" for him. Maybe he's just bullied me into shutting up for so long this is all an extension of that. I think it would make him very depressed if I figured out a way to leave. But I have a few bucks in retirement I could use to do it. But I wouldn't want to harm him. Why the he'll am I so loyal? I would have been a trophy wife for another kind of man. But to this one....he doesn't see me. Our daughter tells me to leave. She is 20, and has told me since she was 14. She says "mom, you're poetry that dad can't read." But if I'm so great why doesn't he act like I'm the problem all the time. Why doesn't he just treasure me.
> 
> Why can't he look at me like the guys I meet or work w do? Hell that's how I found out about his affair. He took his mistress to a party, and a friend of his called me up later, he assumed H had made the affair official and had left me. Friend said he'd always admired me, thought I was a great mom, his kid loved me from school events etc and he wanted to know if I'd like to go for coffee. That's how I found out. I had no idea. "now that x and y are officially in a relationship, and you guys are seperated I wanted to ask you for coffre."
> 
> I'll listen to some more of the book tomorrow. It's a lot to process that book. It's so hard to be honest w myself. And tbh if he asked me to go to therapy I'd go. I am loyal to a fault so it wouldn't be hard for him to lure me off the fence.


WOW! That is horrible.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Perhaps building on all the good advice being shared.
@Lakesparrow I see you're 42, H is 48, or thereabouts. 

In another thread, you mentioned he pays the bills online, and you don't have the passwords.

And he put the house in his name (which isn't likely to matter if split. At Closing there's a record document showing "xxx, "a married man"", at least typically there is.

Even so, house is still a joint asset with M long term family as primary occupant ms.

And the car "he put in another's name" so he'd keep. Again, that isn't likely to matter, if he intended to hold over your head.
Btw, that's horrible if so, but means he's been planning a split.

Any of the above things aren't normal for a good marriage and are anti-supportive of building or continuing any kind if M.

Added together, the above items added up create a picture of terrible M, not, I repeat not, representative if a H who cares for your future.

Especially if he's 48, you're 42.

You have to first get all accounts and passwords, saved in a couple places, and you pay the bills every other month, to stay in loop, in case something happens to H.

And get your name on car title. Talk to bank and DMC as needed, and can be done online. 

Do all this first, before going nuclear.

While seeing a good divorce lawyer for at least questions you have, even if no immediate action. 

H is checked out. If he's ok w/you sleeping in other br, he's good with just becoming roommates. 

As you desire a "whole marriage", now is your time to act.

Nothing will change here, unless you change it for yourself. 

You can undo it!

Either he'll "wake up" to a degree you find acceptable as he notices you reinforcing your future, or he won't.

Both will give you answers you need.

But you must, must, must make the financial foundation improvements in your life rather than have him solely be "in control" of items and accounts.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Double post


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop trying to pound a round peg into a square hole.

You're just wasting your life on a fools errand.

File on his fat ass and let him be someone else's problem.

What in the hell are you keeping yourself in this for?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You need to start directing this displeasure towards your husband. But it's important you have a plan if he doesn't respond favorably. Something that will progressively increase the heat under him - make life more difficult.

The simple fact is that if you're not willing to leave, or otherwise put negative sanctions in place because of his slothful behavior and neglect, then it will continue indefinitely.

So my recommendation, it write out what your deal breakers are. What *must *change. Think about what your life will be like year after year if things _do not_ change, then with that in mind, decide what you will do if he refuses (stop paying for his X, cleaning Y, etc.).

Then confront him, and tell him how you feel, and that things are going to change. They're going to change, or you're going to do X, Y, and Z.

Do not threaten anything you are not fully prepared to carry through with.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

Lakesparrow said:


> But if I'm so great why doesn't he act like I'm the problem all the time. Why doesn't he just treasure me. Why can't he look at me like the guys I meet or work w do?


Why does he take advantage of you, disrespect you, and abuse you? Because you let him and he believes you won't ever do anything about it.

You're not angry and resentful from a lack of sex. You're angry and resentful because because deep down you know you're not the worthless human being he treats you like, and you know you deserve better.

So are you going to continue being his doormat and maid or are you going to prove him wrong and start living your best life with or without him?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It seems to me, you want affection, intimacy, appreciation--to be valued. You've danced a jig for years, but the more you do, the more difficult he becomes. Why? Because he wants you to fail/hurt in any way possible. 

He knows your expectations and controls you by doing essentially the opposite--especially controlling sex or lack thereof, by hiding his income, ignoring his health. He will not change. You can change your hope for a good marriage and stay and be miserable or you can change your environment/marriage by leaving. He will moan and groan, but you know the truth. Your resentment currently is eating you alive. 

Be glad you have options and financial where-with-all. I don't know your state, but he is likely to be surprised and the state's definition of marital property. So do you want to live the next 50% of your life with this husband who is mostly a habit or do you want to give him the freedom he not so subtly is asking for? 

"Took his affair partner to a party" Sheesh! Let her shave his back. Stop making the mistake that he thinks like you do. Nope, he is a narcissistic parasite.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lakesparrow said:


> I've been listening to " Too good to leave too bad to stay." It's really defining the struggles I've had w my h. I honestly....feel stupid and not capable when I try to talk to him about what I feel isn't working in our life and what needs I have that aren't met. I'm seeing now in number 8, why that is. I think we would have a chance with therapy, maybe. But therapy is an "off the table" for him. Maybe he's just bullied me into shutting up for so long this is all an extension of that. I think it would make him very depressed if I figured out a way to leave. But I have a few bucks in retirement I could use to do it. But I wouldn't want to harm him. Why the he'll am I so loyal? I would have been a trophy wife for another kind of man. But to this one....he doesn't see me. Our daughter tells me to leave. She is 20, and has told me since she was 14. She says "mom, you're poetry that dad can't read." But if I'm so great why doesn't he act like I'm the problem all the time. Why doesn't he just treasure me.
> 
> Why can't he look at me like the guys I meet or work w do? Hell that's how I found out about his affair. He took his mistress to a party, and a friend of his called me up later, he assumed H had made the affair official and had left me. Friend said he'd always admired me, thought I was a great mom, his kid loved me from school events etc and he wanted to know if I'd like to go for coffee. That's how I found out. I had no idea. "now that x and y are officially in a relationship, and you guys are seperated I wanted to ask you for coffre."
> 
> I'll listen to some more of the book tomorrow. It's a lot to process that book. It's so hard to be honest w myself. And tbh if he asked me to go to therapy I'd go. I am loyal to a fault so it wouldn't be hard for him to lure me off the fence.


Lake Sparrow, I feel you. You have turned yourself into a pretzel doing it all. The fact is he doesn’t care enough to ‘see’ you or change and all the wishful thinking in the world will not change that. You have to get to a place of acceptance, leave him aside, he didn’t value you even when you asked him to. Work on you, work on a plan to get out.
The adage “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” is very very true.


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