# Need Advice Please



## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Here's my story:
My H is having an EA with an old g/f that he hasn't even seen for almost 40 years. She "friended" him on Facebook and he told me about it and told me that at that time in his life, he was in a band that traveled from state to state doing his gigs. His manager at the time tried to pay this girl off so she'd break things off with him. When he told me that, I just couldn't believe that those kind of things really happen (horray for Hollywood). Well, next thing I know, I start seeing him typing a lot on his computer (he's a peck & keyer) then he starts texting on his cell phone. I asked who he was writing to & he just said "oh, everyone texts". Then one day (the worst day of my life) he left his email open. BIG mistake on his part & on mine for being nosy but at least I'm not in the dark. She and he are spewing love to each other in all the emails (of which I have copies).That day he came home from work and I showed him divorce papers I found online for a whopping $1.87. I "thought" I'd scared him to death with those papers and he said he would end it. But in that same day, I'd sent her an email telling her that she could have him if she wanted him but that I thought she was being very selfish because it would never last & she'd send him packing & he'd be out in the cold. I threatened to expose her to her family & told her I had all their emails, knew where she lived etc. H says I threatened her & I said what do I care? All I'm losing is a cheating H. A few days later he said that he was not communicating with her and he wanted to work on us. Yeah, right. I found out that 2 weeks after the initial bust, he'd called her. At that time I really didn't think it was a big deal because the call only lasted 3 seconds so I hopefully thought that she either wasn't taking his calls or was scared by my threats. Yesterday as I was paying the phone bill I started investigating again. Lo & behold...he spends more time talking to her than to me. So once again...busted. I told him to break all communication with her or we're done. She was the deal breaker in our marriage. He says he will but how will I know? I told him to call her right then and there & he wouldn't. I said the reason he wouldn't was because he could now only call her at work so her H won't find out. I'm giving him an out. It's either her or me but that marriage is for 2 people not 3. How can I make him prove to me that it's over? I'm prepared for the grief and resentment from him but right now all I can do is give him the silent treatment. I truly want this marriage to work and have told him that it'll take a long time for me to trust again but if he works on it, it'll happen IF that's what he wants. Any advice would be greatly appreciated & sorry this is sooooo long.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

- Get usernames and passwords for all email and online accounts and check them as often as needed.

- get a keylogger installed

- check his phone logs as often as you need. Most cell companies show a running tally online of the calls ongoing so that you can see what they are.

- he has to agree to live life as an open book - he tells you where he is, with who and doing what. He turns his phone over anytime you want to look at it

- both of you go to counseling


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

TN's advice is good.

So far I like what you've said and done. Make sure the No Contact part is crystal clear to him. And go to marriage counseling.


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

I discovered this forum yesterday as I was stewing after seeing the cell phone statement and there's a few here I consider "love Gods". The more I read, the more determination I got from you. That poor H couldn't get anything done because I'd read some thread then go and confront him nicely with yet another issue. I think he'll be open to the marriage counseling IF he wants to save our marriage. Right now I'm just feeling like the fool and I hate him but I love him. I'm usually not a demonstrative person but that's one of the things I've been working on since this all happened. So....after I first discovered his transgression (as Tiger would call it) and told him he couldn't have contact with her anymore, he agreed. But he lied as I've come to find out. Now the trust is gone and I've come to the realization that whatever he may say or do, I CAN'T care. I have to take care of myself first and I've told him as much. IF he really wants this to work, he's gonna have to do a lot of a** kissing and earn my trust back and I don't see him having that in him. I won't get taken again. I just feel so stupid to believe that he wanted it to work when 5 days after I found out, he started with the calling and texting because he thought all was well in his world. Well, all's NOT well and he's got a lot of work to do if he wants to stay married to me!


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Update: He called me from his drive home from work to ask if I needed anything from the store. I could tell by the sound of his voice he was pretty p.o.'d. He got home, said hello, eventually kissed me hello then realized there was no dinner waiting on him. He started heating up leftovers & I asked him if he called her. He said YES (in that hateful tone). I asked what did she say? He said she said that she would bow out (how very big of her). I said I wish there was some way he could prove it to me & he said you wouldn't believe me anyway whereupon I said, yep, the trust is gone right now but you'll have your space, don't worry. 

Luv, you're absolutely right and I've told him just that. Glory days...when he's 19 and really just a kid learning how to do "it"? She's a hag with no morals with a wrinkly neck so that's kinda how I get through this. I just can't stand the fact that I have to wait this out & give him space. As it stands right now, my stomach is so torn up I can't stay off the pot. Sorry TMI, I'm sure but hey....it's a great diet.

Thanks to all of you so far for your advice.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Not sure if this helps. But looking back on the beginning of my finding out - and dealing and our healing...

I don't know why - and this is very unlike me - but when I first found out I remember feeling a sense of rock bottom and nothingness. I did not yell. I did not tell him I hated him. I was completely void of anything - just totally in shock. Two days later he asked me to go for a drive with him. He broke down and apologized. I still could share no anger. But what I did do - form out of no where I think really helped us both.

I remember looking away from him and just totally dropped my ego. I had nothing to lose. I had no plan. Just shock and pain. And all I could say was "how could you do this to me when everyday I look at you like you are the most handsome man I have ever known. When everyday I feel love for you...." Then some other things very specific to us. But the point is it for some reason was all positive. None of the negative stuff came out of me. No complaints, just like a shock that someone I was so in love with and so attracted to would do this to me. 

This shocked him. He was waiting for the fight perhaps? Didn't get it. There was none to have. Then we started over. 

Perhaps if your H is looking to his past for his GaGa days of manhood, he is looking for the same from you. I'm not saying to woo him when he's hurt you so much. But I am saying that by dropping your ego - you certainly can't be hurt anymore than you are now. Its almost like if you don't 'fight' back - in some ways it could be easier for him to walk away - or stay for the right reason - not 'because he has to." Does this make sense? I don't know. It helped me somehow. 
Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Awwww, Stillinshock...that's a great idea! When I first found out, I said the how can you do this to me stuff...but wasn't yelling at the time as I was too busy crying & I just can't do both at the same time. I wonder if it's too late to say that to him after all we've said lately. His ego is huge anyway so it'd probably work. lol


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Never too late. Don't think, just do.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Still,

That's exactly how I reacted when I found out. Utter shock and me, the person who could push his buttons in every fight and who had no problem yelling and pointing the finger at him during all arguments......did NONE of that. Never did I yell, I just initially begged him to give US another chance. To let US work on fixing our marriage. In fact, I have yet to yell. He and I are both shocked at my reaction. 

It was an eerie calm really. Don't get me wrong - there was sadness, anger, nausea (lost 7 lbs in one week) and those feelings. But no more wanting to fight.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

oh, some yelling came later. kicked a hole in the wall. you know, during the under construction time. particularly as more truths came out. 
but because that early foundation of calm was established, i think he could understand the angry parts that followed as my coping, processing, working through. and he was able to support me through my anger (generally).


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Because of ya'll and a lot of praying, I seem to have found peace. But now my problem is how am I supposed to act around him. Right now it's as if we're roommates which is how we started out to begin with. Then after 5 yrs of that, (of course the whole time we were roommates, I was already in love w/him but he wasn't ready because he'd just been left by his previous wife) we married. I moved out to the couch even though he said I could sleep in the bed whereupon I asked why? I don't want to set myself up for another heartache. Anyway...do I just go with the flow and hope that it doesn't take him 5 years to fall in love again? I know he loves me and I know he's said he wants to work on this but he's done nothing to show me as of yet. Before he was busted our marriage was in a rut. Now I've realized that's mostly my fault. He hates reality shows, I watch them all. I like to run errands with friends and he likes to just sit at home even though he's been invited. We get invited to parties and most of the time he won't go. It just seemed so complacent and I actually told him that I was content in our marriage (probably because I could come and go as I pleased) and he got mad that I used the word "content". I thought that kinda meant warm & fuzzy but apparently not to him! Another thing...since he's already told me I could come back into the bedroom, am I being the stubborn one to expect him to ask me again or is he sitting there thinking "I'm not gonna BEG her to come back in here". I don't want him to feel immasculated but like I said, I don't want to get my heart broken. I know it's too early to sit him down & really talk about what happened. I know he needs his space which is why I'm out here on the couch as it is.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Start by reading His Needs Her Needs together. Trust me.


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Ever since I started reading this forum, that was one of the books I wrote down to get and almost did yesterday as I was out shopping w/my neighbor for her kids. But kid's present shopping can wear a body out & so we never made it to the mall where our closest book store is. I think I'll have a hard time getting him to read it with me, though. Maybe he'll say he'll read it but I'm pretty sure it won't be w/me. It's kinda making me mad that I'm the one doing all the leg work & work period on this & he's not doing anything but I know he wallowing in his own self pity so I guess I'll just wait it out & read. I wouldn't even know how to approach him about doing it together as we are right now....roommates.


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Ok...I ordered the book thinking that I'd see what would happen in the next few days while it took time to ship. Stupidly while I was on the computer, I decided to check the usage on his phone because it seems like all of a sudden I've become Elvis with Suspicious Minds and lo & behold, he texted her this morning. I was shaking I was so mad. I really wanted to work on this. I don't know if what I did next was right or wrong but for my own sanity I sent him an email. It was a pretty nice email but I let him know that I knew that he texted her and that when I'd told him to stop all communication with her, I meant it and if he was going to continue to do so while lying to me at the time, to be prepared to pay half of the bills etc if he wanted to live here with me. I've not received an email back and can't even believe that that's what it's come to...emailing your husband without it being a forwarded joke or whatever. I did tell him he was my heart, always had been, always will be but I can't do this to myself anymore and that I was sorry to not showing him that in the first place. Was I reacting too fast?


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

When I found out about my H's A it took him 3 months to break it off with the OW. Then it was only because I finally went through with my treat of calling her husband and informing him of their A. Why should he be the only one who didn't know about it. That was a turning point for us. It still took months for him to get her out of his system. Now he is the one who tells me he's in it for the long haul. That he is going to do what ever it takes to make it right again. It's been over a year, and I still have some trust issues but it's getting better. Somethings I don't think I will ever forget no matter how much time passes. I can say if he is open book to you healing will come with time. It's still fresh for you and him so it's going to take him some time to let go of her. Keep the lines of communication open and I'd move back into the bedroom. Show him your willing to work it out no matter how long it takes. Forgiveness is a step in the right direction, and also starts the healing process.


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## I'mDoneIthink (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks Calypso for your kind words. I'd already said I'd forgiven him but apparently all that I was trying to work on, fell on deaf ears. I'm going to my hometown Friday to get my head back on straight because I can't even look at him without wanting to cry. He knows I'm going, he knows I don't want to go but yet he's letting me drive 13 hours by myself so no, I won't be moving back into the bedroom anytime soon. We both need space and if I just go stay with a friend, it's too easy to just drive right back home into his arms. HE's gonna have to do the work now because I really can't take this anymore. He also knows how much I love him and am IN love with him but that too is falling on deaf and indifferent ears so right now as I type, my new name is I'MDONE. Of course that's subject to change as I am gullible and wishywashy but really I have to do this for me!


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear that I know my H was the same way for awhile. It was all me having to change. Then I pointed out some things with him that I wasn't willing to settle and let slide. I've had some really big blow ups this past year. I really let him have it and what I really thought of him and the mess. 
It took him a while to see he was walking around with blinders on. That it takes both of us to make it work, and he really has done some changing for the better. I hope your H sees how much he will lose if he doesn't meet you half way. 

I would enjoy my trip and not let him know for one second you thought of or missed him. Let him start to wonder what your up to that might just get his attention. I know it did with mine I'd just not come straight home, and not call or let him know where I was. Then he would text me asking if I was coming home I would tell him simple vague answers. It did the trick got his interest.


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## angcakes35 (Dec 3, 2009)

I completely understand everything you are going through... I recently busted my husband having an online emotional affair with a woman who he has never met and doesn't even live in the same state.. Long story short, we are working on our problems but I check everything he does... He is into body building forums so I am constantly checking his emails, telephone records, computer forums....everything and it is exhusting. Regaining the trust is the hardest thing I have ever had to work on.. It its going to take time and effort on BOTH your parts.. Bottom line is if he wants to make the marriage work, he has to cut off ALL ties to her. You can't do it alone. If he is unwilling to do that then he is not the man for you and you def deserve much better than that.. I know its hard because I am working on it too and I love my husband and so far...knock on wood, things have been great..but its a daily process.. but he has to want it to work as much as you....as for the ultimatum...congrats ... I was too scared too at first but now, if I were to find out he was still lying... Dont let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you.. Again...you deserve better!


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