# Getting left



## Coloradotransplant (Feb 28, 2016)

I posted last month that I was at my wits end about my marriage. This weekend, she announced that she didn't love me, while acting like the did all the way up to that morning, and wanted a divorce.
It's so odd. I'd been contemplating if I had anything left to give in keeping the relationship going, but now that she is leaving me, I'm heartbroken about it.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Coloradotransplant
It sounds like my situation might be similar. I was so frustrated with my marriage too but we have a son so was willing to do what I needed to do to make it work, insisted we go to MC and we did for about a year but he wasn't really committed to the process, only showed up about half the time and didn't follow through with things the MC said he needed to do. Then all the sudden in January he has a one night stand (not saying that your wife has cheated-just giving you background info on me) and wants a divorce. I am devasted and heartbroken as well. For about the first month or so I was completely lost in the grief of it all. I was shocked that he cheated first of all. And then it seemed like from one day to the next he was done with our family. No remorse/guilt. It was like a switch was flicked and he has now changed into someone I don't even recognize and doing things that are not what anyone would expect. This all barely started about 8/9 weeks ago and he is already acting like we are divorced.
I don't understand how someone seems to change so drastically so quickly. It is crazy making and then there is all the sadness. It is tough but I have been reaching out for support, talking to family and friends, and getting on forums like this one. The support I have been getting is really all that is keeping me together right now. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this as well. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

anewstine said:


> Coloradotransplant
> It sounds like my situation might be similar. I was so frustrated with my marriage too but we have a son so was willing to do what I needed to do to make it work, insisted we go to MC and we did for about a year but he wasn't really committed to the process, only showed up about half the time and didn't follow through with things the MC said he needed to do. Then all the sudden in January he has a one night stand (not saying that your wife has cheated-just giving you background info on me) and wants a divorce. I am devasted and heartbroken as well. For about the first month or so I was completely lost in the grief of it all. I was shocked that he cheated first of all. And then it seemed like from one day to the next he was done with our family. No remorse/guilt. It was like a switch was flicked and he has now changed into someone I don't even recognize and doing things that are not what anyone would expect. This all barely started about 8/9 weeks ago and he is already acting like we are divorced.
> I don't understand how someone seems to change so drastically so quickly. It is crazy making and then there is all the sadness. It is tough but I have been reaching out for support, talking to family and friends, and getting on forums like this one. The support I have been getting is really all that is keeping me together right now. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this as well. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


I went through the same thing. Its amazing how a person changes. Someone you thought you knew. Someone that you thought had the same family goals and love for family that you did.

Selfish behavior is the trademark of an adulterer. Once that selfish behavior starts there is nothing you can do to change it. The only person that can change it is the cheating spouse. They will feel no remorse or guilt. They are able to do this by demonizing their spouse. Once that process is done the rest is easy. They feel justified in their behavior. If that is not enough they will find an ally to tell them what they want to hear in order to continue.

Meanwhile the betrayed spouse sits by and tries to piece together what is wrong with themselves. 

It is a horrible situation that is mirrored on so many posts here. The most amazing aspect is how similar they all are. 

Some people recommend a 180. I think this gives false hope. This implies that you can make the cheating spouse come back once they see you have moved on. While this may work for a small percentage the real benefit of this is the betrayed spouse is empowered to move on.

Keep posting and reading. The advice here is good if you can be brave enough to follow it.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Yes someone you thought you knew and who had the same goals and love for family as you did...this is exactly how I feel. I am still in awe of how from one day to the next they can change. It's terrifying. 
It is amazing how many similarities there are. I even have a friend who is going through a divorce and many of the same types of things happened in her situation as mine. What is it about these people that makes it okay for them to leave this wake of devastation without a blink of an eye? They seem unhuman to me...no heart.
I also agree about the 180. Even though this hurts like hell I don't want to stay married at this point. The only reason I would is to stop the pain and that isn't a good enough reason. It would eventually come to this anyway I would just be sadder and older.
I have been using the 180 to distance myself though...not ready to do all of it but I am using what I think will help me. I need to stop thinking of him as the person he was to me and start disconnecting and moving on with my life. Build a new life for me and my son.
Since he has changed so drastically so quickly I do worry though that there are many more crazy changes ahead of us. I.E. blowing off our son, putting our son in unhealthy situations because he would rather hang out with friends and party than take proper care of him, that he is going to fight me on everything because he hooks up with some floosie that finds out that he would get a sizable chunk of money if we sold our house, etc. 
Any counsel on what its been like for you NoMoreTears?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes, this is such a common story. 

The hard part, for those left behind is the "focusing on the good parts." I do that often and my husband left me in a CRUEL way. Long story.

It's almost 5 months since the incident, he is remorseful and I am sure would take it back. However, I am working on the disconnect part......day by day. 

He isn't healthy. I am healthy.... just a little off kilter for now. 

When is the divorce scheduled?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

anewstine said:


> Any counsel on what its been like for you NoMoreTears?


Its been tough but much better now. I had to convince myself that the woman I loved died. This new person is not my wife or the person I loved. That helped a lot. And if that is not true then she has been deceiving me for 22 years.

Your ex will make horrible decisions. The worst for me is when they affect my kids. Since I don't have mine but every other week the times they are not with me is hard. If she makes bad decisions there is not much I can do about it. Its hard to let go of that control that I once had. Where I could protect my kids I no longer can.

Also she has done a great job of convincing everyone that there was no affair. Even though the people that matter know she has convinced others it did not. That is tough because I know its a lie. She is a far better liar than me. Most adulterers are. You cant compete with that kind of manipulation and who would want too.

I have cut off all contact. She enjoyed reaching into my life to cause problems and to upset me. I have cut off all contact. I will not look or talk to her in any way. Yes I know this adversely affects the kids. But I deserve my sanity. And if that is selfish so be it. Maybe one day we will get to the point we can talk but I seriously doubt it. If you knew the lies and things I put up with you would understand. 

Right now I concentrate on my kids. I have my own social life now and the weeks I don't have the kids I focus on my girlfriend. I work on my home to make it the best place for myself and my kids. I also work out 3-4 times a week. 

Recently it appears she has broken up or dumped by the OM. That is great news for me since this guy will not be around my kids. He works overseas so he has not seen them yet. Both me and my kids are greatly relieved by this news.

SO... how am I doing 6 months post divorce?

I have a girlfriend. My kids are happy when they are with me. They love being HOME. My home is the cleanest it has ever been. I have been getting in shape or at least trying to. My bills have drastically dropped. I still have fits of anger thinking of how I was betrayed and lied to. The anger has eased but is still there. 

What is left for me to do? 
I want to find a new job. Start over someplace else. I want to downsize my home but at the same time I need to keep things the same for the kids. I want to find a new hobby and be more social. 
I want to repair my relationship with God. Im working on that.

Ill end with the good things about being divorced.
* I fix what I want for dinner
* I pay my own bills and don't have to worry about hers
* I save for my own retirement and not hers.
* No more walking on egg shells
* Who says I have to go home after work. I can do what I want.
* Dating is fun
* Sex again! 
* Sex again!
* Oh yeah Sex Again!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I guess it's time to go and get some boxes. Find put out what houses are going for in the neighbourhood and start collecting business cards from devorce lawyers.

I'm just saying....why phuck around....get started now...the pain ain't going to get any better if you drag this put.

Besides maybe your old lady will get a clue when she starts to see the reality of it all when she finds out how much this will cost.

If I was you I would get a lawyer asap and tell her this is the person your lawyer will need to talk to.

Sure this all sucks big time...but the sooner you get through this the sooner you can start a new life.....hopefully it's with your wife and she getts her shyt together knowing you have a lawyer just waiting for you to pull the trigger if she really wants this divorce.

Another good thing about acting swiftly is if she does have a lover....she will be in la la land filled with rainbows and unicorns....she will give what ever you want out of this divorce so she can be with her lover.

Anyway...now that you have a knife in your heart it's time to pull it out and heal...not keep it in and let her turn it back and forth until you dead.

So...get to a lawyer like tomorrow and let your old lady be the one to catch up.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

NoMoreTears
That is my biggest fear right now...that he will bring unhealthy people into my sons life and put him in unhealthy situations and I won't even know about it or won't be able to do anything about it. It is heart wrenching to know that I won't be able to protect my child 24/7.
I think convincing yourself that the person you are divorcing is not the one you married is a great idea, and I am trying to do that now. Otherwise you begin to wonder was any of it true/real.
I don't want him not to be part of my sons life (because this would only really hurt my son) but there is a part of me that hopes that he will check out on him just like he checked out on me. Its hard to know what the right thing to do is right now. But the one thing I do know is that I need to move forward with the divorce and focus on my kid. He isn't going to...that's for sure.
There are a lot of positive things that will come out of this situation, I know. It is healthier for me not to be with him...he doesn't treat me well and I deserve more. It is just so darn hard right now that I really want the pain to stop. I can't wait for him to move out. It will be easier to be in my own space where I don't have to have a panic attack every time I go home. I so get not wanting to talk to them too. I am just trying to play nice right now so I can get what I need so I can take care of me and my kid. He is so stupid, he sucks, and I just want this to be over.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats the thing....shyt or get off the pot..knowing what comes out of the divorce is not going to smell good, but you wipe your butt, pull your pants up walk out the door and feeling a little lighter.

Or you can sit there all day know and not achieve a dam thing...at the end of the day something has to give...hell..some times one has to make shyt happen if they want to make it out alive!


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

the guy
You are right about we have to make things happen if we want to get out alive. I can't wait for my stbxh to do any of the work to get this process done. That is not who he is, he wants all his cake and he wants to eat it too. So I am going to have to push forward and make it happen. That is what I am focusing on right now. I just hate it. I hate that its come to this and that once again I have to be the grown up and do something. On the bright side I do think it will put me more in the driver seat and I am pushing myself to do it now versus later so that him being so willing to do whatever doesn't wear off. I love your pooping analogy Yeah its gonna stink but you have a choice...sit in the stink or wipe your butt, pull up your pants and walk away.


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## Coloradotransplant (Feb 28, 2016)

Well boxes aren't an issue. We're still working on disposing of the moving boxes from when we bought this house 5 months ago. Guess we're getting rid of a bunch more this week. :/
I was helping her pack tonight. The first hour was okay, because it was kitchen stuff and fairly impersonal. But then I started pulling DVDs, books, and keepsakes and I just couldn't anymore. I broke down and the tears are falling as I'm typing. I wanted to get through one day without crying. Just barely avoided it when talking to HR about updating my benefits. Of course, it's a family run business, so everybody at work is going to know by the end of the week.
Moving on, new relationships, other sexual partners. That's all stuff I just can't even process right now. I've tried taking the ring off a few times, but it keeps winding back on my finger.
Our son is 9 months old, too young to understand what's going on. She's been very sporadic with interacting with him; I've basically raised him since she went back to work 7 months ago. The custody agreement she would agree to has him with her a little over half the time, but I see that dropping considerably. I just hope she gets her act together, parenting-wise, before he's old enough to ask why mommy doesn't want to spend time with him.
We've been talking about logistics. She's been working on all the paperwork stuff. I'll have to read it all over before I sign anything to make sure she's putting down what we've talked about, but I have no clue how any of the process works and what the next steps are after filling out forms found online.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

anewstine said:


> NoMoreTears
> That is my biggest fear right now...that he will bring unhealthy people into my sons life and put him in unhealthy situations and I won't even know about it or won't be able to do anything about it. It is heart wrenching to know that I won't be able to protect my child 24/7.
> I think convincing yourself that the person you are divorcing is not the one you married is a great idea, and I am trying to do that now. Otherwise you begin to wonder was any of it true/real.
> I don't want him not to be part of my sons life (because this would only really hurt my son) but there is a part of me that hopes that he will check out on him just like he checked out on me. Its hard to know what the right thing to do is right now. But the one thing I do know is that I need to move forward with the divorce and focus on my kid. He isn't going to...that's for sure.
> There are a lot of positive things that will come out of this situation, I know. It is healthier for me not to be with him...he doesn't treat me well and I deserve more. It is just so darn hard right now that I really want the pain to stop. I can't wait for him to move out. It will be easier to be in my own space where I don't have to have a panic attack every time I go home. I so get not wanting to talk to them too. I am just trying to play nice right now so I can get what I need so I can take care of me and my kid. He is so stupid, he sucks, and I just want this to be over.


I understand everything you said. The fear, the pain, the confusion. Its all normal and every bit of it sucks. I was there big time! People told me it gets better and I got tired of hearing it. But it really does. It just takes time. Now is the time to think of yourself and you child. I understand the panic attacks as well. Been there done that. Go get some help with that. Don't suffer right now needlessly. He is stupid and yes he does suck. Those are facts not opinion.

Don't take any advice from him or his lawyer. He does not have your best interest in mind. Go no contact when you can. Do not give him any way to upset you. Stay calm in front of him. NO begging or tears. Does not work and will only empower him. Trust me I did that. Does not work at all.

Put on a happy face. I know its hard but look happy for your child. Your son is the real victim here and will suffer long after you have parted ways. Do not give your son any false hope of reconciliation. That is the most confusing thing ever for a child. They are searching for signs of that.

All I can say is I feel for you. It is a horrible pain that feels like someone has died. In fact someone has died. Your husband. I told you he is not the same person and I assure you he is not. 

I did not want to go on with my life and you may feel that way too. But it will get better. Hold on to that thought. You will get better and you will live and love again. If I can do it anyone can. And I really mean that. If I can move on after a 22 year long relationship then so can you. Your life is not over. You are worthy of real love. And you will have a better life. This time it can be anything you want.

PM me any time. I know exactly how you feel. The pain and sleepless nights are horrible.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

ColoradoTransplant
I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you have a child in the middle of it as well. I have a 5 year old and that is the hardest part...our family breaking apart and I think he will check out a bit on our son as time goes on as well.
He isn't the person I thought he was and it sounds like she isn't either. It is a horrible pain, sometimes I can't take it but I am white knuckle holding onto the fact that everyone says it gets better. I can only hope for us both that it will sooner vs. later.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

NoMoreTears
Yes it does suck bigtime! And yes everyone says it will get better...it just doesn't feel like it right now...but I am hopeful. How long did it take for you to feel a little better? Did you have kids?
Thank you for reiterating that he sucks...it is good to hear it from an outsider. Sometimes I worry that I am making more of the fact that he sucks so bad, that his behavior is so awful. Sometimes I second guess myself because I can't wrap my head around the fact that he has done what he has done and is doing what he is. Who have I been with all these years? Am I that foolish/stupid? No I know I am not. I just tried to make the best of a not so great situation especially when we had our son (the best thing that came out of this). But I still feel so stupid, guilty, and shameful. Questioning everything constantly.
The one thing I am doing is getting everything moving. I am not telling him that I am going to a divorce workshop with our County, seeing an attorney for a consultation, etc. I can't wait for him to do anything, because he won't because he never did anything, so I am taking advantage of his laziness and avoidance behavior and trying to get into the driver seat without him knowing or suspecting. That way I can use his guilt and shame in my favor to make sure that I get as much as I want/need to take care of me and my son.
I am reading your words over and over right now..."I am worthy of REAL love, I will have a better life and it can be anything I want" I don't quite believe this right now but I do see a little light leading me towards this. Thank you and I will PM you soon Thanks for the offer. I can use all the support I can get right now.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

I can so relate to this. I've been trying to make heads or tails of the phrase " I don't love you anymore." 


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Mjg1962
Yeah what the heck does that mean "I don't love you anymore". I think its a ton of BS because how do you stop loving someone...I know I can't. I might not want to be around them because they have hurt me or are unhealthy for me but once you love someone you just don't stop. That says more about him than it does you.


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## SeparationAnxiety (Mar 24, 2016)

anewstine said:


> Mjg1962
> Yeah what the heck does that mean "I don't love you anymore". I think its a ton of BS because how do you stop loving someone...I know I can't. I might not want to be around them because they have hurt me or are unhealthy for me but once you love someone you just don't stop. That says more about him than it does you.


Well my wife told me the same thing (I don't love you any more). I just don't understand how that's possible. I think what that really means is that she's been hurt little by little over many years of me being indifferent of her, except when I wanted sex and so we grew apart. Now, she is somewhat numb to my presence. 

But, I strongly believe that they still love you deep inside and you have to change and figure out how to bring the love out and have it overwhelm the negative view of the relationship.

This is what I am trying to do right now as we are about to enter separation.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

SeparationAnxiety said:


> Well my wife told me the same thing (I don't love you any more). I just don't understand how that's possible. I think what that really means is that she's been hurt little by little over many years of me being indifferent of her, except when I wanted sex and so we grew apart. Now, she is somewhat numb to my presence.
> 
> But, I strongly believe that they still love you deep inside and you have to change and figure out how to bring the love out and have it overwhelm the negative view of the relationship.
> 
> This is what I am trying to do right now as we are about to enter separation.


I truly believe the "I don't love you anymore" statement usually takes place when you have been replaced. That "love" has been assigned to someone else now.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

In my case the I don't love was like a ton of bricks because we had a good relationship well is what I thought... The intimacy to him was a big issue and this I learned from his best a female and the bashing against me with his friends, and in the bashing clan was a female who does this. I had to go to his job to meet him so we could by my daughter's graduation gift. OMG it was like being in a courtroom husband (judge) and the buddies my jury. But to their dismay I didn't look like a whale nor was an old lady. This bashing my self esteem to the ground my girlfriend took me out for drinks and said " you are not any of those things.." To my surprise a younger man than my husband tried picking up lol ... When I got home he started so I said guess what I'm not the one with the problem you are ... 


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

unbe
In my case that is what I wonder too...have I been replaced. Whatever...it isn't going to do me any good to know at this point.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Its been tough but much better now. I had to convince myself that the woman I loved died. This new person is not my wife or the person I loved. That helped a lot. And if that is not true then she has been deceiving me for 22 years.
> 
> Your ex will make horrible decisions. The worst for me is when they affect my kids. Since I don't have mine but every other week the times they are not with me is hard. If she makes bad decisions there is not much I can do about it. Its hard to let go of that control that I once had. Where I could protect my kids I no longer can.
> 
> ...



I'm right there with you. 3 months into separation after 2 sexless years and 2 EA's. 6 year old son. Just contacted a lawyer. Life sucks right now.


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