# Predicament....should I ??? Or would this be a mistake ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

My husband of almost 11 years wants a divorce due to several reasons and me ignoring the seriousness of them....

1. my money management & debt (main issue, but I'm working on it with his help)

2. me not bettering myself job wise (very hard, because I've never done anything else really than what I'm doing now and they usually ask for a degree or at least experience in other jobs)

3. me not going back to get another/different degree (working on it too, but it's a little more difficult since I'm not American)

4. the house being messy (that issue is solved...:smthumbup

5. too little sex (issues has been solved too  )

6. he never admitted to this one really, but according to hints he's given me I assume that my changed appearance (gained a LOT of weight) has been an issue as well

Now, as stated I've been working hard on most of the issues, but one is really hard for me....

The appearance issue....

I've lost some weight already and do pilates at home.....but it's not showing really....

I *love* to swim and when I was younger I maintained my se**y body with it and going to the sauna on a regular basis (and the saunas in Germany are nude saunas  )....

Anyway, I went to a fitness center to check it out and it has everything I want and need to get my old body back...or at least get close to it (hey, I've had 2 kids)....

I'm doing good with my spending now, and dh and I are on a pretty good term now (sex and all) but I don't know if he will go through with the divorce or not....

I would love to join the fitness center but it would cost $ 75....it wouldn't really increase my spending, because I save $ 100 since I get a lower daycare rate now that I've worked there for 3 years....

I just don't know if that would set dh and I back....if I was sure he still wants to divorce me I'd be joining tomorrow, but since I don't know I am hesitant....

He would probably say that the elliptical that we have is enough, but I hate that thing.....

I want to go to this gym to be attractive again, but I don't want him to say "she hasn't changed one bit (about the spending)"....

What do you think about this....what would you do ???


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Discuss it with your husband. If he supports it, great. If he does not, then for now, make due without a gym. Let him know that you were hesitant to bring it up, as you didn't want it to be perceived as simply more spending. Include him, instead of wondering if you should try to get it past him.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

With all of his reasons listed, its not hard to see your husband's issues as being more than a little uncaring, but I also wonder if he is saying that you are unmotivated in general. Regardless, it would certainly help if he were to be more constructive, but I applaud your efforts.

My wife and daughters use a treadmill, exercise bike and my gym (I've slowly built a commercial gym over thirty years - the relocation guys hate me when we move with my job), but their favorite routine that really works for burning calories are the exercise videos. Over time, they've built a good collection for mixing and claim that there are so many types that they could pick and choose from. They add light dumbells on some for muscle building since I remind them that a muscular body burns more calories.

With all of these issues he has identified, if you are trying to address them, focus on balance after the initial enthusiasm. Develop a system that is practical, and not obsessive. Give yourself some off days and downtime, else you could burn out.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

In my opinion, fitness needn't cost a lot. And in my further opinion, it is nearly impossible to lose weight without diet modification. So what I would do wrt appearance:

- Chose some kind of weight management "diet". I find this one
Home-Cooked Diet Meal Plan with Once-a-Month Cooking very convenient. There are free online calorie counting sites like fatsecret and sparkpeople. Some of them have groups and forums for support. There is no need to spend money on a weight loss program like weigh watchers or jenny craig IMO. Feel free to message me privately for some actually food ideas. I have been on a healthy eating journey for a few years. I lost ... not sure how much weight. From size 16 to size 6! 

For fitness, if it were ME, I would invest in a couple of decent pieces of clothing. Running is free and VERY effective cardio. You likely will have to start very slow and short. But since you are going for lifestyle change and not quick loss (I HOPE!), starting short and slow will decrease the chance of burn out. My fitness routine would also include videos from Netflix and/or the local video rental store. I like dance videos. And yoga is VERY good for you. It is important for weight loss and general health to do weight bearing work. People think that cardio is all that is important for weight loss, but that is a mistake. When you build muscle mass, you increase your body's at rest metabolism. You burn more calories just being. Also it is very good for prevention of osteoporosis. There are a lot of great exercises that require no weights! Air squats, lunges, crunches, planks, pushups... Go over to spark people's website. They have lots of exercises listed.

IN MY OPINION, making fitness and eating changes are going to impact any other change you chose to make. You will start feeling more energized. As you see progress in your fitness, whether in terms of losing weight or progress in your fitness journal, you will start to feel better about yourself and your power to do things. 

I wonder about your husband wanting you to change basically everything about yourself. But if you are currently overweight, I believe success in that area will be good for YOU regardless of the outcome of other things.

Good luck to you!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Oh since I like the topic of fitness, I could go on and on. If you want actually fitness equipment, and are in the USA, find your local freecycle group. We have gotten lots of good equipment that way. People decide to get in shape, buy stuff, then lose interest...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I guess the question is that since you have addressed the five issues he specifically said mattered (money, job, school, housework and sex), where does he stand now? The weight issue wasn't specifically mentioned and I would certainly do something about it just for yourself, but now that you have addressed everything else is the divorce still on the table?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

In all honesty, if your husband brought all of this up on Labor Day, and now it's Halloween....you're talking about changes that have been going on for 2 months. Which is great...but not a long time. 

I think that given that, it would probably look like you're backsliding on spending (and I say that as a person who's major weakness is in that area too!). And $75 is a lot of money to spend on something if you're trying to pay off debt--it could make a visible chunk on paying down a credit card every month! You also have to think about all the temptation you're going to have coming up in the next couple of months with the holidays. Probably not the best time to add another bill. Plus, what's really likely to happen is that no matter how much you love swimming, this is a super busy time of year with holidays and all the stuff that goes with those; and then gyms suck in January and February, so now you're paying for a membership at the hardest time of year to use it consistently.

What I would suggest is making this fitness center membership a reward for yourself. Pick something big. I don't know what would work, but maybe if you don't overdraw for 6 months, or pay off $xx amount of debt or lose 20 pounds on your own....whatever. But put it out there to motivate you to keep moving forward and then you can look at doing that when things are a bit more settled. Plus you've got something to keep you going when you hit a bump (or a long flat boring spot) in making all these great changes.

And remember, weight loss is a function of more calories out than in. Diet first, then increased activity. Pilates is healthful, but you aren't going to lose weight doing it, it just doesn't do a lot to burn calories or to promote long term calorie burn. But there's lots of great ideas here and all kinds of other stuff out there you can try at home in the meantime too.

Good luck!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Oh and wrt to money, have you looked at Total Money Makeover? The author would approve if you got it from inter-library loan, if not available at your library!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Should you or should you not do what? Join a gym? 

I'm kinda a lost here. Seems like to me your husband has a long list of things you need to do better to save your marriage. Is this like an ultimatum? Call his bluff and remind him on how much he'll have to pay for child support. 
Lose weight when you are ready to. 

If he complains about the house being messy, hand him a broom!!!

If he complains about s3x, tell him to last longer, and perhaps you'll be more interested.

I don't know seems like a lot of your issues can be dealt with very easily if your man is understanding enough.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Discuss it with your husband. If he supports it, great. If he does not, then for now, make due without a gym. Let him know that you were hesitant to bring it up, as you didn't want it to be perceived as simply more spending. Include him, instead of wondering if you should try to get it past him.


Thanks Deejo......I'll have to think about talking to him.....

When we talked about it (before the Divorce bomb) he said he would totally support me going to the gym and even pay for it, but now I don't know if he still does.....I'll have to see....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

takris said:


> With all of his reasons listed, its not hard to see your husband's issues as being more than a little uncaring, but I also wonder if he is saying that you are unmotivated in general. Regardless, it would certainly help if he were to be more constructive, but I applaud your efforts.
> 
> My wife and daughters use a treadmill, exercise bike and my gym (I've slowly built a commercial gym over thirty years - the relocation guys hate me when we move with my job), but their favorite routine that really works for burning calories are the exercise videos. Over time, they've built a good collection for mixing and claim that there are so many types that they could pick and choose from. They add light dumbells on some for muscle building since I remind them that a muscular body burns more calories.
> 
> With all of these issues he has identified, if you are trying to address them, focus on balance after the initial enthusiasm. Develop a system that is practical, and not obsessive. Give yourself some off days and downtime, else you could burn out.


Thanks Takris......Yes, over the last 10 years he's figured out that I'm a rather unmotivated being....unless it's something I'm absolutely crazy about....like my children for instance...

My husband has the elliptical and a gym thingy (with weights and such) but I hate the elliptical because the motion is not smooth and it starts hurting my knees after only a couple of minutes....

The gym thing is not accessible because of all the crap on it our friends are "storing" here (in the garage)....

I think I will pull out my collection of exercise dvds first....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks vthomeschoolmom.....

I already am losing weight through "diet"....I'm not depriving myself of anything, just eating smaller portions and not eating after 6 pm......

Running is a big problem for me....I have very big OO and they hurt soooooooo bad when running....and I haven't found a sports bra good enough to support them yet.....

It's not like my husband wants to change the whole me.....he wants me to change the things he knows would make my life a lot better....

He knows I have potential to have a great life....I mean, look at my ability to speak English....I've had 2 years of English in school where I knew more English than the teacher....I basically taught myself....and people tell me all the time that they would've never thought I was German (no accent...nothing)....

I'm only a preschool teacher....yes, it's my dream job, but it is way underpaid and especially in Texas it's got to be the most stressful job, because our student/teacher ratio is ridiculous....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

johnnyburst79 said:


> Fiitness shouldn't cost alot.
> 
> I'm sorry you are in this predicament, but it does sound encouraging that you are taking so many steps.
> 
> One question I ask is, how is your husbands weight/appearance? If he is saying you need to lose weight to look like you once did (or close to it), is he the picture of good health?


Thanks Johnnyburst79.....My husband has a little belly but otherwise is very muscular....

He is a police officer and has to be fit....he's grown this little belly over the last year or so, because of a knee and back injury and the developing depression....

And no....he's not pressuring me into losing the weight.....I want to change....

I've never looked the way I do now and I HATE it....it started with coming to the US and having fast food and grocery stores available 24/7....

I will admit though that I'm hoping my husband will fall in love with me again when I'm close to my old self again....but mainly I'm doing this because I want to change....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> I guess the question is that since you have addressed the five issues he specifically said mattered (money, job, school, housework and sex), where does he stand now? The weight issue wasn't specifically mentioned and I would certainly do something about it just for yourself, but now that you have addressed everything else is the divorce still on the table?


Thanks Chris Taylor....I'm not really sure....

I do not want to address the D-topic since I'm hoping to buy some more time to convince him I HAVE changed (his therapist :banghead: told him I won't change anyway if I haven't changed over the last 10 years).....

Does this makes sense ???


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> In all honesty, if your husband brought all of this up on Labor Day, and now it's Halloween....you're talking about changes that have been going on for 2 months. Which is great...but not a long time.
> 
> I think that given that, it would probably look like you're backsliding on spending (and I say that as a person who's major weakness is in that area too!). And $75 is a lot of money to spend on something if you're trying to pay off debt--it could make a visible chunk on paying down a credit card every month! You also have to think about all the temptation you're going to have coming up in the next couple of months with the holidays. Probably not the best time to add another bill. Plus, what's really likely to happen is that no matter how much you love swimming, this is a super busy time of year with holidays and all the stuff that goes with those; and then gyms suck in January and February, so now you're paying for a membership at the hardest time of year to use it consistently.
> 
> ...


Thanks COGypsy.....you are right about paying off the debt first....I totally agree...this is my main focus right now anyway....but....

My husband is a very sexual person...when he first met me he said he could not believe that a hottie like me (back then  ) would be interested in him....when we had sex all the time he was in heaven !!!!! This is a very important thing for him.......

He's told me he only lasted this long with me because we had sex after our fights over the money issues etc.....otherwise he would have probably ended it sooner...

So it is important to turn into the the old and sexy me again and going to the gym and swimming and using the sauna is helping a lot with it....

But you are right....I will try to use my resources at home first and when either the divorce is off the table or it is finalized I can still join it.....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I don't get it. He has been unhappy with things for 10 years. And now in a few months, you have changed? Why? Because he dropped the D bomb? If that is the case, I would be more than suspicious of the sincerity of the change too, I am afraid. I would be watching for you to slip right back into old patterns. 

The one thing that makes no sense to me, were you more motivated in general before you were married? I wonder why he thought you would change that if you weren't?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Should you or should you not do what? Join a gym?
> 
> I'm kinda a lost here. Seems like to me your husband has a long list of things you need to do better to save your marriage. Is this like an ultimatum? Call his bluff and remind him on how much he'll have to pay for child support.
> Lose weight when you are ready to.
> ...


Thanks Rob774.....yes, the question was whether or not to join.....

These things are not things he's told me to change, they are the things that made him ask for a divorce, because he just can't handle it anymore....he feels like I don't care about him enough to hear him all these years...

Well, to be honest....I heard him but I didn't realize the seriousness....maybe it was a little stubbornness too, because my dad used to tell me what I have to do all the time and would nag and just be a pain....so I felt a little like a child again and would think "I'll do it when *I* am ready to do it !!!"....

It's not an ultimatum since he's made it clear that it's over when he told me he wants a divorce and there's nothing I can do about it....trust me, I begged and pleaded, saying I will change for real this time....but his therapist told him I will never change anyway and he believed it....

He helps out at home...he cooks, does the dishes, mops and sweeps, vacuums when he's not working (he works weekends) and on the weekends I do all this plus some more....

Tell him if he'd last longer I'd be more interested ??? Hell no....he has no problem with lasting long  ....our issue was me being too tired all the time, but amazingly with my weight loss I've already got more energy :smthumbup:

So I'm doing this all because I realized, with or without him, I have to change my life.....

If we get divorced I have to be able to provide for myself and the kids (besides the child support) and this would be hard if I stay in this job I'm in right now......

And if he reconsiders and wants to give us another chance well then I would love to change to make the marriage better than before....to make the marriage the way it was supposed to be.....

Either way I have to change !!!!!! :smthumbup:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I don't get it. He has been unhappy with things for 10 years. And now in a few months, you have changed? Why? Because he dropped the D bomb? If that is the case, I would be more than suspicious of the sincerity of the change too, I am afraid. I would be watching for you to slip right back into old patterns.
> 
> The one thing that makes no sense to me, were you more motivated in general before you were married? I wonder why he thought you would change that if you weren't?


Well...it hasn't been the whole 10 years, but that's what he says....he over-exaggerates....

My money management problems started about 5 years into the marriage.....

And I haven't changed everything yet....I mean, within a few months this is impossible....

I've started working on the money issue, but this will show results slowly, because I'm still only making little money, so there's not that much to pay it off with quickly....

The weight issue...everybody knows you can't go from 180 lbs (today :smthumbup to 125 lbs in 2 months.....so that will take some time too, especially since I don't want to be a stick with skin flabs hanging off everywhere.... :rofl:

The -different job- issue is a tough one since I only have a degree in early childhood education and these jobs don't pay well at all....all other no degree or experience needed jobs pay less than I make no 

And to get a better paying job I have to get a different degree....and for that I have to take an English test to prove I speak well enough English to be admitted to a college.....:scratchhead:....

I've taken the test last week and now have to wait for the results (about 10 more days) before I can be admitted....

And yes, I've decided to change AFTER he dropped the D-bomb because before I wasn't aware how much it actually did bother him.....

I understand that he will be cautious and might not believe in a long term change yet....

But that's what I'm doing....I'm going to change long term, not just to make him reconsider.....

When he said that even his therapist said I won't change if I haven't until the D-bomb, I replied that there's drug addicts or alcoholics that have been the same for years and decades and then there is this one major life event that makes them realize they're destroying themselves.....

When he dropped the D-bomb that was my wake-up call....it might be too late for *us* but it's not too late for me and the boys to have a better life in the future.....

About the motivation....he met me at a club....skinny, sexy, with a job making good money....he went to the field (Army) for the next 2 weeks, then I moved in with him....

We lived together for the next 2 1/2 months and then he had to go back to the US.

3 months later I followed him to the US and we got married right then....

So he really didn't know me much before we got married, but I can honestly, yet asshamed say that I've turned into someting I've never been and never wanted to be after having our first son (2 years later).....

With him being in the Army and deployed most of that time the first 5 years was like being a single parent and working full time....

It was tough and it turned me into a lazy blob....

But that's not really me....I have the motivation now (again) and I will try my best to become the best me I can be.....a sexy and successful woman (feeling better about myself), a hot momma (my kids can be proud of me) and maybe (hopefully) the wife and lover my husband always wanted (if he gives us another chance ray: )


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I understand you are changing yourself into everything he wants you to be. What do you want for yourself. Do you want another job, whatever your husband may think is honorable, or are you happy with the job you have now. What's wrong with taking care of children.

If these changes make both of you happy then go for it, but do not change solely to keep him, and you be unhappy.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

All the things he wants me to change are things that I want to change about myself too....

The mess....I always dreamed of being this perfect housewife (a little bit of a Bree Van de Kamp of Desperate Housewives)....but going to work full time and taking care of 2 children didn't help....the house is not terrible, but it could be much nicer....as I said though, I've been doing a very good job at having it clean enough to not be embarrassed if somebody just drops by....

The 2nd education.....I never wanted to having to go to school again, but unfortunately that's what I have to do to get a better paying job....

The job I have now.....was always my dream job....I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was 3....I've worked in German daycares and loved it....I've worked in a Kansas daycare and loved it....where I work now....I hate it !!!!!! The student/teacher ratio is way too hight, the kids are little a**holes because of it (can't give them all the attention they need) and my director is a bi-polar bit** who makes us all dread coming to work every morning.....so, yeah, it was my dream job, but for all the stress and low pay it's not worth it to me.....I keep dreaming about the Army desk job I had for a while....I really enjoyed that...dressing up in business attire and meeting all kinds of new people.....that was fun....

The diet and stuff.....as I said before I weighed about 125 lbs when my husband met me, I was sexy and independent.....now (granted I had 2 kids) I am at 180 lbs and hate looking in the mirror so much.....I used to wear ear rings, necklace, watch, contacts....my hair was always style and I always wore make-up and form fitting clothes.....but when I look in the mirror I think why bother....*I* want to feel sexy again !!!!!!

He's voiced the things that I wanted to change for myself, but I was too lazy to do it....plain lazy.....like "I'll start Monday"....Monday my co-worker bought take out for us and so I would say "I'll start tomorrow".....that's how it always was....until dh said he wants a divorce....that was the wake up call I needed...


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

~Wow, all this changing to meet his demands/requirements/needs. Believe it or not (being a psychic I forsee the 'or not') there is someone for everyone who doesn't require anything from you except love, 100% faithful pure love. My mama always said "If it don't come easy, ya better let it go" - its an old Tanya Tucker song but still rings true, you shouldn't have to change or conform for anybody nor they for you. Love isn't "I will love you IF you do/become this or that". True love is "I love you right now, regardless." Never ever change for somebody or try to change somebody. Its already a lost cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

TwyztedChyck said:


> ~Wow, all this changing to meet his demands/requirements/needs. Believe it or not (being a psychic I forsee the 'or not') there is someone for everyone who doesn't require anything from you except love, 100% faithful pure love. My mama always said "If it don't come easy, ya better let it go" - its an old Tanya Tucker song but still rings true, you shouldn't have to change or conform for anybody nor they for you. Love isn't "I will love you IF you do/become this or that". True love is "I love you right now, regardless." Never ever change for somebody or try to change somebody. Its already a lost cause.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok....again....I'm *NOT* changing for him....

He gave me the push I needed to start making the changes that should have happened a long time ago.....

I never wanted to look this horrible....*I* want to look sexy again.....

I want to make good money so I can go to the store and buy something unplanned....not like "Oh, I only have money for jackets and pants for the boys, I can't afford this shirt for myself....maybe next payday".....

I want the house to look nice....I don't want to be embarrassed when having surprise guests....

All these things are things we *both* want....

He's doing his part....he went to college again and got a degree in criminal justice to be a cop to make a good living....*for us*

He is saving money like crazy.....*for us*

He's going for runs and works out to stay fit.....*for us* 

I haven't been contributing much to this marriage and he had to work twice as hard to the point where he is just totally burned out and thinks he's better off without me....

I've come to the realization that I've failed and I am making the changes that will make me a better person....*with or without him*


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