# I just don't know what I am doing anymore



## Stricken (Dec 6, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for a little over 5 years now. For the first 4.5 years we had a difficult marriage, due to some life decisions that we had made. My wife is a lawyer and got a big firm job right out of law school, but became pregnant with our first child almost right away after graduation. When my first daughter was born my wife begged me to quit my job and go back to school full time so that I would have better job prospects with a degree under my belt and me having ten years work experience In the Army and as a government contractor.

We were living in the DC area at the time, though both of us and our families are from the Boston area. So we had little help, and struggled with her loans, which were enormous, and the fact that I pretty much had to do all my work at night after she came home from work, leaving little time for us.

Soon after I started as a stay at home dad/full time student, she told me she wanted me to get a job again, because she could not respect me as a man if I was not taking care of the family. Unfortunately, the job market took a huge turn around that time, and I could not get hired. The reason cited was my lack of a Degree more often than not. This would happen every 6 months or so, with the same results when I would put in serious time job searching. 

In addition to not having a job, it weighed on her that I did not go to bed at the same time as her, often working on my school work, or trying to write (night time was often the only time I had.) But even when I did go to bed with her, there would never be any intimacy or sexual activity. She was too tired, or not interested, or "not there yet" as she would put it. 

Several times I would bring up counceling but she was never interested. 

After two and a half years (and four years of marriage) we had just had another child during a highpoint in our relationship, and she decided that she really wanted to move back to the Boston area. I was fine with this when I thought she would be taking a job with a similar pay scale, but instead she took the first job offered to her at half the salary she would have been making at her old firm, with the expectation that I would just find a job, maybe teach or something. While I had little interest in teaching, I figured it would give me plenty of time to write on the side, and flexibility to take care of my kids.

I graduated three months into her new job, and she was thrust into a major case which demanded a lot of time; time that we did not think would be required at such a low paying firm. Around that time she began to act more and more irritated with me, and my lack of a job, specifically a "professional" job, with a suit and tie. 

I will be honest, I did not know what I wanted to do as far as a career choice upon graduating; my main concern was trying to find a job that I could afford to put my kids in day care with, and pay off my loans. 

My wife started her job January 1st. During Memorial day weekend my wife had just finished up with her big case. And that weekend she told me that she had kissed the Partner that she was working with on the case. She had told me it was just the one time and that it would never happen again, but that, at the same time she was not happy in our marriage. We had a fight, but decided to work on our marriage. I started looking at a wider range of job through many agencies, and I began the process to apply for law school. Though I never really care much for being a lawyer, it was a career that had many options, and it was not a career path that I had any problem with. It is just expensive schooling, both in money and in time. Plus I knew I would have to be working at the same time.

Within a few weeks, She came to me to tell me that she had cheated on me again with the same Partner. Again she said that nothing serious happened, and it was mostly an emotional affair anyhow. None of which made me feel any better. But she promised to put an actual effort into our marriage. 

But my trust in her was already completely gone. I started to monitor her text messages, emails, and phone calls. And though I never checked her phone in front of her, She changed her phone password to keep me out. She said she wanted privacy. It took me a day to figure out her password. And I found that she was texting the Partner at her firm (who was on his honeymoon) constantly, and with a lot of "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you again" type of talk. 

I was just devastated. I had reached a point in July where I just decided to talk to the man's wife, and let her know.

It did not go well.

She told me that I had problems and that I needed to get help. She then told her husband, who told my wife, and we had another low point. She told ME that she could not TRUST ME anymore. That she was afraid that I would cause her to lose her job. But again we agreed to try to work things out. And something that is ridiculous is that she said she made the whole thing up to get my attention. To make me take her seriously.

I didn't believe her, but things started to go well after that. Really well. I felt that our relationship was at a high point after a long time being at such a low point. 

But then in September, it all started up again. I noticed a change in her behavior, lying about who she was talking/texting to, and having crazy sex one night, to being very hands off for days at a time. So again I checked up on her. 

What I found made me shake in agony. These text were far more provacotive than the texts from the beginning of the summer. And then one day I noticed her taking a call in our bedroom with the door closed and the lights off. She said it was her female friend from work, but call logs from our provider said otherwise. I set a recording device in our room, and when she fell asleep, I read her texts from that night, and listened to the conversation. It was clear to me that they had definately moved from Emotional Affair, to Physical Affair as well. 

When I confronted her about everything, she still had the nerve to deny it. But eventually she relented and admitted that yes, she had been fooling around with him, but they never had sex. Again, not consoling to think of another man trying to pleasure my wife, and her with him. Eventually, I gave this one last try. One last chance. 

And this time I placed a call to the man that she was cheating with. I told him about what evidence I had, and if he came near my wife again, I will go to his wife. And after meeting his wife, I knew that if she ever thought he was cheating on her, she would tear him apart. He agreed to my terms.

Again, though, my wife recanted her admission to cheating, and we started to really work things out. 

But then just last night, I noticed a behavior change again. I immediately checked her texts, and found that she had told the Partner that she had been thinking about him all night, and that she wished she was with him that night. He asked her to come over his house around 7. 

As soon as I saw this I texted him to tell her to not meet him, and not to text him anything inappropriate anymore. Which he did. But this time he told my wife about our conversation, saying that he think that I am unhinged, and that he may take action through there HR department about me if I keep contacting him about this alleged affair. And that she was just going to give him a ride to work while they talked about a case. But honestly I don't care. He lives near a train stop that gets off near their work. He doesn't need a ride. And they can talk about work at work... that is what work is for. 

She still maintains that nothing has ever happened between them, and that if I keep this type of stuff up I will ruin her career and our marriage. She also said that I am two-faced, pretending that everything is fine when I did not feel it was, and that I should have gone to her first. But I am tired of catching her in lies of where she is going and who she is with. And yes, maybe I am two faced now, but I maintain that I was driven to this point. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my wife. And I know that she loves me. But I just don't know what I can do. I still have no job, I am the primary care giver of our two children, and I don't know if divorce is even worth it at this moment. I don't think that she was doing anything with him this time. But I know that things would have escalated, so I do believe that I was in the right this time too. 

This isn't exactly asking for advice, I really just needed to share my story. One way or another things with be decided. Whether or not this leads to divorce... I just don't know. I still want things to work out, I just have no faith in us anymore, or trust in her.

Thanks for listening.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

They're the one's cheating and they're trying to make you look like the bad guy. 

It's time to step up to the plate and stop bluffing. Contact the HR department at her job and show them the evidence you have of the affair.

Or, just freaking leave her. I'd like to think that if I was in your position, that's what I'd do.


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## WasInLove (Sep 11, 2012)

Amazing how a WW can play the blame-game and try and rub sweep the whole thing. 
First and foremost you need to understand is that your wife doesn't respect you. 
She lies to your face and blames you for her stepping out. 
Time to get in front of this fast or you may regret not standingup for yourself and your family sooner.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am trying hard to see a reason that you wish to keep this woman in your life. Not only is she a cheater, but she is a major flake and manipulator. Do yourself a favor and divorce her. Sorry to not be more positive, but I call it like I see it.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

So basically, your in an open relationship.

When are you going to stand up for yourself? Get a hold of his wife immediately. The fact that he is inviting over to HIS home that he shares with his wife (I'm assuming) will make her flip.c

You need to be proactive. You are dealing with lawyers here. When it comes to the law, you are not dealing with your ordinary person. You could end up getting completely screwed at the end of this. 

You are BETTER than this. You can do BETTER than this.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You are not the bad guy here. 
She must be a hell of a lawyer.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

You might get better answers in the Coping With Infidelity forum. 

I would put voice recorders in her car, and contact your own lawyer (not from your wife's law firm!).* I would also contact the OM's wife again since he's refusing to back down and trying to intimidate you*. Show her the texts. Besides, she has a right to know what is going on. 

Or you can go another route, find a girlfriend of your own and see how your wife likes it. When she complains, tell you her you are just friends and she is imagining things!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

You sound like you're thinking maybe this will blow over and your wife will realize what she has eventually and will then stop seeing the other man (OM). I say this because you're really not doing anything about it. You're passive and weak and have only made empty threats. Your wife sees you as being pathetic. And she's right. Sorry, but she is. You need a 2 x 4 to the head to wake you up. As someone a few posts earlier said, "basically you're in an open marriage."

Now that you have all the proof you need, there's only two things you have to do. 1. File for divorce, and 2. Tell the OM's wife.

Don't threaten to file ("I really mean it, if you don't stop seeing your boyfriend I'm going to file....I mean it this time....so stop seeing him, okay??? Please???") DO IT. FILE RIGHT NOW. It takes a long time to go through and you can always withdraw. But you have to take control of this situation. Right now your wife has control and you're on the sidelines waiting for things to happen to YOU. Reverse that.

Same thing with telling the OM's wife. Don't threaten, do it. Make this guy's life miserable and make him scramble to set things right in his own family. The appeal of the affair-fantasy will crumble once the real world bites him in the butt.

Be the guy who takes charge, who doesn't tolerate being crapped on. Did you know that chicks dig take-charge guys?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady is a lawyer and in that a great manipulator and is making this marriage all about keeping her happy and shuting up or else.

You are in a bad spot with this shift in power, so I suggest you show your old lady that you will no longer share her with another man and confident enough to let her go by consulting a lawyer, know your options, and then confront your wife that as long as she stays incontact with the OM you will move towards divorce.

I strongly suggest you have her served...you can always withdraw the filing if your wife has the remorse to do the heavy lifting to save the marriage.

I can see you are no were close to doing this but in time you will see that with out consequences your wife will continue. Now you think I'm way over the top on this, but I have been here long enough to see that it is just a matter of time.

How long do you think this sexless marriage will last? 
How long do you want to be a cuckold?
When will you start respecting your self enough to stop this disrespect your adulterous chick shows you?
When will you stop tolorating your wife giving out handies in the storage closet at work or BJ's in the car?

Sorry my man but you can't nice you way out of this and the affair continues to grow while your wife continues to emotionaly black mail you by threatening your marriage.

See bro you marriage is already toast...the OM has replaced you but yet you stick a round doing the same crap over and over again and expecting things to change.

Really...its time to shift the power and start getting your wife to second guess her choice's and think twice in what she is about to lose.

Dude you said it your self but in a different way " I'm not going any were" and believe me your wife knows this too so why should she change.

One more thing the OMW has a good thing going, I doubt she will be a good allie in fighting this affair, but I would send her what evidence you do have, have your wife severd , and sue the OM for allienation of effection.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Since you already have proof of an affair I do not recommend planting a voice recorder in her car....the things you will hear will ruin you for life.

Actually go a head and plant a VAR in her car, it might get you to take action in no loneger being a doormat.
Maybe you do need to hear what your old lady realling thinks about you and how her and the OM belittle you while they have car sex.

Life is to short and there are real women that can be loyal and respectful and love you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Stricken said:


> And I know that she loves me.


Hmmm. Bad news here too. How do I put this...?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Wait a minute. Why ISN'T this in coping with infidelity? You don't think...

Are you BUYING the gaslighting? You don't SERIOUSLY think they haven't been screwing this whole time, do you?

Oh, please no.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

MrK said:


> Wait a minute. Why ISN'T this in coping with infidelity? You don't think...
> 
> Are you BUYING the gaslighting? You don't SERIOUSLY think they haven't been screwing this whole time, do you?
> 
> Oh, please no.


No, no screwing. She told him "they were fooling around but no sex," and a wife wouldn't lie to her husband, right?

Wait....I forgot to turn on my cheater-translation device......


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

you can either have a marriage or a wife that has whatever she wants. either way, i dont think that you can really love someone that has no respect for you without resenting them to their very core.

you need to determine what you are willing to accept and stand to it. 
i can tell you this though...
no marriage is safe. you HAVE to constantly be on guard, to make sure that your spouse is looking to YOU for companionship and intimacy, and nobody else. its the same for you, the second you realize that you want to spend more time with a female friend instead of your wife, you need to realize that you are starting down a dangerous road.

your wife has already walked down that road. the marriage you want is ALREADY OVER. the question now is what you are going to do about it. personally, i would not accept ANY solution that allows your wife to have any contact with the other man in any way, even for work. hell, it started with work right? why should that be an acceptable condition?

like i said, your marriage is already over. 
build a new one or make it official, you have two choices.

i feel for you. it sucks to be there.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

All you need to do is take the evidence you have (and I hope you kept the evidence) and take it to the other man's wife .... then let nature take its course.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

leave the ****


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