# I need someone to listen to me.



## adambomb (Jun 2, 2013)

I've bottled up a good many problems over the past few years. I've thought about talking to my family but they would only repeat what I've said to everyone they know.

I've found this forum through Google, read the rules as well as a great deal of other threads on this site. I am here to get a load off my chest because its literally driving me insane.

Some background: I've been married a little over 4-years, have a 2-year old son, 6 year age gap between my wife and I (shes 23; I'm 29). We wed each other after dating or 8 months. We wanted to wait things out but I was deploying to Afghanistan so we decided to wed prior to me leaving. All in all we have been together for about 5-years. 

We always had the normal marriage problems; we argued and became upset with one another, but at the end of the day we made up and things went back to normal. Its not like that anymore and it started with the birth of my son, 2-years ago.

It seemed like the moment my son was born she lost all interest in her/our social life. We used to go to the movies all the time, to dinner, car trips to Seattle or Portland, etc. Now she wasn't interested in any of that, and it wasn't a case of not having a babysitter. We live close to our family. In addition to that she lost interest in sex, and she refused to acknowledge that I could view this as a problem. I was supportive at first, but after a year of barely making love I started to get vocal about it, to which she took as me being a "typical male" and then clamming up and not wanting to talk.

My marriage became less about being lovers and more about being roommates who sleep in the same bed and say "I love you". 

Flash forward to my son turning a year old and I decided to leave the military to spend more time with my family. My wife and I agreed that she would go to work and I would attend college with my GI Bill. 

And this I when the REAL problems began.

Now that my wife has to work she knows how bad it sucks to spend 8-hours per day doing something you don't like. She would vent to me about it, but if I tried to relate to her or say that I understand, she would get mad and say that I couldn't possibly understand. In this regard she is very selfish and thinks nobody else could understand how she feels, not even someone like me with 13+ years of work experience compared to her 9 months. 

My wife has this idea in her head that being upset about something is a license to rip me apart. She will tear into me about anything; the way I fold towels, chew my food, how I lean against a counter, etc. It gets even worse when I stick up for myself which is every single time she acts like this to me, which makes these 1000x worse.

She is the kind of person who will say incredibly rude things to you and then expect you to not be upset about it. If you are upset about it then you're an even worse person. Like heaven forbid I don't let you walk all over me.

I HATE that she thinks I'm an a-hole and jerk because its not true. She thinks I'm this bad person but I am not. She just cannot stand that I refuse to sit there and take it when she tried to rip me apart. Everyone can see his but her, and it doesn't matter. 

I could spend pages telling you about how badly she treats me and how hurtful she has become, but the biggest problem with the way she is; she cannot be talked to and she cannot be reasoned with. It never fails that every time we talk things out she ends up getting upset over a big word I used because it means I think she is dumb, apparently. Or she will talk about an incident in a way that's completely different from how it actually went down and then get upset and not want to talk anymore.

I don't know what to do. She tries to talk down to me and I won't let her and that makes it worse. I can't talk to her either. Honestly, divorce seems like the only option because of how disrespected I feel. I bought his woman a car, was there for here every time she needed me. I gave her a son, supported her while she earned a college degree. Everything she owns is because I bough it for her and not once did I ever act like she owed me something in return. I have bent over backwards to be amicable about things, but man alive, if this is how she wants to treat me after everything I've done.

EDIT: I didn't mean to make myself sound materialistic in that last paragraph. I'm not. I just feel that in terms of what we have done for each other, my column is larger and that makes the disrespect hurt even worse. If I were a bum or deadbeat it would be different.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

She sounds extremely immature...and immature women do not handle the fantasy bubble bursting...the bubble that made her believe that she was going to be married and happy and just live the life of a princess...and not have to invest into anything.
Advice: This may be difficult, and you may need to have some plans in order when you do this, but you need to set boundaries. And you having been in the military, I am sure how important it is to not give any ground...or you lose the advantage. NOT this marriage is supposed to be this way, bu when your wife is holding onto the emotional power like this, bullying you to walk on eggshells and just let her do( or not do) however she likes...then you gave up your own personal territory.
My wife was the same way...and I just rolled over...half stunned/half offended...trying to figure out what the hell was her problem. I believe I handled it the WRONG way...I tried harder, tried to make it easier on her, tried to provide and rearrangle my life to please her...and non of it was appreciated...she just acted as though she deserved it all anyway. If you are doing that, you need to reverse it...not be a jerk (and NO you haven't been a jerk at all...that is just lies spewing like vomit from her negative perspective)...but you need to set some hard rules. Read Boundaries in Marriage...a great book on why personal boundaries are important and why they are extremely important in marriage. You don't want to enable her immaturity by cleaning up her messes...she needs to grow up. Now, my wife acted this way and had a bad childhood, diagnosed with a hypervigilance anxiety disorder...and she married me for safety reasons, for survival cos I was a nice guy...but all we got was a dysfunctional relationship and 16 wasted years as she now has filed for divorce.
Now I grew up a military kid...and I find it very common in military marriages that they happen very quick...the men desire to have a wife waiting home for them...and the women love the security that military can offer for families. If your wife is someone who is more concerned about her personal security (survival mode) then they will usually be takers, not givers...and be quite demanding with what they feel they DESERVE.

Don't bend backwards anymore...all you'll get is a broken back and a broken heart. Set boundaries, weather the storm calmly, but firmly when she starts kicking off because you are letting her clean up her own mess and deal with her own emotions (as coping will not be a personal strength for her)...but be kind, gentle, loving...just not going along with her bullstuff. It could make things worse...but think about it..would you rather earn your self-respect in this relationship than continue in a relationship where you get treated like dirt, disrespected, and unappreciated? I didn't think so.


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## adambomb (Jun 2, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> She sounds extremely immature...and immature women do not handle the fantasy bubble bursting...the bubble that made her believe that she was going to be married and happy and just live the life of a princess...and not have to invest into anything.
> Advice: This may be difficult, and you may need to have some plans in order when you do this, but you need to set boundaries. And you having been in the military, I am sure how important it is to not give any ground...or you lose the advantage. NOT this marriage is supposed to be this way, bu when your wife is holding onto the emotional power like this, bullying you to walk on eggshells and just let her do( or not do) however she likes...then you gave up your own personal territory.
> My wife was the same way...and I just rolled over...half stunned/half offended...trying to figure out what the hell was her problem. I believe I handled it the WRONG way...I tried harder, tried to make it easier on her, tried to provide and rearrangle my life to please her...and non of it was appreciated...she just acted as though she deserved it all anyway. If you are doing that, you need to reverse it...not be a jerk (and NO you haven't been a jerk at all...that is just lies spewing like vomit from her negative perspective)...but you need to set some hard rules. Read Boundaries in Marriage...a great book on why personal boundaries are important and why they are extremely important in marriage. You don't want to enable her immaturity by cleaning up her messes...she needs to grow up. Now, my wife acted this way and had a bad childhood, diagnosed with a hypervigilance anxiety disorder...and she married me for safety reasons, for survival cos I was a nice guy...but all we got was a dysfunctional relationship and 16 wasted years as she now has filed for divorce.
> Now I grew up a military kid...and I find it very common in military marriages that they happen very quick...the men desire to have a wife waiting home for them...and the women love the security that military can offer for families. If your wife is someone who is more concerned about her personal security (survival mode) then they will usually be takers, not givers...and be quite demanding with what they feel they DESERVE.
> ...


To be completely honest I have no idea what I'm supposed to do at this point. The problems in our marriage stem largely from her not wanting to work because it takes away from her time to be with our son, but the only way she doesn't work is if I give up on college and go back to work and that isn't going to happen, and she resents me for that. 

This in turn makes her angry and like I said she views anger and a license to say whatever she wants regardless of how it makes others feel. I don't know what I can do to mitigate this anger outside of completely restructuring our lives JUST to make her happy, an I'm not willing to do that. My education is our means to our financial future, which she understands, but all the same is resentful about it.

I don't think she has this high sense of entitlement, but I think the main problem is she cannot comprehends that life can be this hard and she is simply NOT prepared to deal with it. I guess I'm just an easy target to take her anger out on.

Like I said, I'm at a loss on how to deal with this. I stick up for myself and never let her get away with talking to me like this, but it doesn't seem to matter. She keeps it up and it gets worse the more I defend myself. 

I've talked to her dad about this and he said to let it go in one ear and out the other, but I'm no built that way. I cannot let someone treat me like that and just set there like a slug and take it. 

Maybe things would be different if we could talk about it, but she makes it hard. I have to plan out my words just to make sure I don't accidently offend her, which seems to happen no matter what I say or what approach I use. She just doesn't seem to understand that I should be allowed to get upset about being treated this way.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course she's immature, you met her when she was 18. 6 years at 18 and 24 is a lot more then 30 and 36, and it sounds like the two of you weren't ready to get married but the military forced your hand. Factor in that marriages with one or both parties under age 25 have a very high divorce rate because people change so much at that age. Have you asked her what it is she wants from you? Perhaps a good counselor would help? Tell her you can visit a counselor or you can end it but you will not live like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adambomb (Jun 2, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course she's immature, you met her when she was 18. 6 years at 18 and 24 is a lot more then 30 and 36, and it sounds like the two of you weren't ready to get married but the military forced your hand. Factor in that marriages with one or both parties under age 25 have a very high divorce rate because people change so much at that age. Have you asked her what it is she wants from you? Perhaps a good counselor would help? Tell her you can visit a counselor or you can end it but you will not live like this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I knew that age was going to be an issue from the get go. I guess I just underestimated how much of a factor it was going to be since at the time she seemed mature and we were able to handle our problems like grown ups, and then my son was born and then she had to get a job later on. Things changed right then and her personality along with it.

I've told her we should seek professional help but she doesn't think is a good idea. Likely because she is worried the counselor will identify her as part of the problem and I don't think her ego is prepared to hear this from a 3rd party.

I still feel there is enough love between us to salvage our marriage. I realize that life changes and her immaturity are a big part, and maybe time is what she needs; but its like spinning my wheels at this point. 

I've thought about giving her an ultimatum; either we go to counseling or I'm filing for divorce. I've also entertained the idea of separating and seeing how that works out.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Threatening divorce may backfire and shut her off permanently...but separation I think is a reasonable option if she is unwilling to face the problem.
This book is old-school, but I would suggest Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I think it may help you bridge the communication gap...especially since she is reacting very negatively. Most women, like to have their feelings and concerns validated before being having the issue fixed. They want to feel that connection with you...that you are joining with them...instead of listening in logic-only mindset..and coming up with solutions. It sounds like she know logically you are right, but resentment may be building because she is not being supported how she needs to be supported...and that is by coming alongside her, listening to her and validating her feelings..."Man, I can see how hard this is for you, especially when you just want to be with our son. And i want that for our family too, more than anything right now." Be very empathetic...not like you are afraid of: "What the hell is she gonna do or say??!!" Be supportive and understanding...not too quick to tell her her attitude is wrong, or anything that will make her feel emotionally abandoned. This may encourage her to be less in survival mode where they say some pretty shocking stuff, not really in their logical brain, but more in their fight or flight brain. You gotta first connect, then lead her...not just fix things, thinking that the mission was accomplished...nope in the long run, that will result in mission failure...as you will soon have a wife who won't say anything anymore while she plans her escape from the relationship or starts cheating on you. Connect with her.


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## adambomb (Jun 2, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> Threatening divorce may backfire and shut her off permanently...but separation I think is a reasonable option if she is unwilling to face the problem.
> This book is old-school, but I would suggest Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I think it may help you bridge the communication gap...especially since she is reacting very negatively. Most women, like to have their feelings and concerns validated before being having the issue fixed. They want to feel that connection with you...that you are joining with them...instead of listening in logic-only mindset..and coming up with solutions. It sounds like she know logically you are right, but resentment may be building because she is not being supported how she needs to be supported...and that is by coming alongside her, listening to her and validating her feelings..."Man, I can see how hard this is for you, especially when you just want to be with our son. And i want that for you more than anything right now." Be very empathetic...not like you are afraid of: "What the hell is she gonna do or say??!!" Be supportive and understanding...not too quick to tell her her attitude is wrong, or anything that will make her feel emotionally abandoned. This may encourage her to be less in survival mode where they say some pretty shocking stuff, not really in their logical brain, but more in their fight or flight brain. You gotta first connect, then lead her...not just fix things, thinking that the mission was accomplished...nope in the long run, that will result in mission failure...as you will soon have a wife who won't say anything anymore while she plans her escape from the relationship or starts cheating on you. Connect with her.


Man, that's good advice and I've been looking at it from a problem-solution point of view. I admit I'm not as empathetic as I should be. I'm too busy looking for the quick fix instead of working out the emotional aspect, and I guess the male/female dynamic and differences are something I've never quite understood. Perhaps a better understanding would go a long way.

Thanks.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

adambomb said:


> Man, that's good advice and I've been looking at it from a problem-solution point of view. I admit I'm not as empathetic as I should be. I'm too busy looking for the quick fix instead of working out the emotional aspect, and I guess the male/female dynamic and differences are something I've never quite understood. Perhaps a better understanding would go a long way.
> 
> Thanks.


Yeah get that book...it is an eye opener.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Has she been checked for post partum?


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