# I think I have decided to end things, not 100% sure



## JSmith30 (Mar 3, 2010)

hi, 
I hope that you guys and girls and give your opinion, to help me.

I have been married for about 3 years now, and been together for almost 15 yrs with my wife. Over the last 2 years probably the thought of divorce has been running through my head, and it has got to the point where i think I want to go ahead with it.

the only thing keeping me here is my son, but he'd be better off growing up with divorced parents then a loveless relationship, well at least that is what i am thinking.

We met very young, and that might be a factor, not sure.

But at first i thought it was just me and i needed to find different interests, stuff to keep myself occupied, thing is when i am doing these things by myself i really enjoy being alone, and dread having to come home.

when we are home we don't even do much together unless it is to do with my son. we watch tv, or use the computer or whatever in different rooms. We had similar interests when we met, but through one thing or another things have changed, and i think i have changed and i can tell when i am talking to her about things i am interested in she only pays attention to be nice, and vice versa.

i don't even think I am sexually attracted to her anymore, basically no sex life at all, and it doesn't bother me, as i am left alone, hope that is not sounding to harsh.

i think i have made up my mind to take the plunge and i feel the weight has been lifted of my shoulders, and i feel 'happy'.

i think we have grown to being really good friends. 

what do you guys think?

cheers


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## JSmith30 (Mar 3, 2010)

anyone? :scratchhead:


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Why don't you talk with her, and find a way to make this marriage work? Try to spend more time together. You have been together for 15 years and now you think this is enough, you need a change in your life, because you are bored? You met young, but you got married only 3 years ago, and 3 years ago you weren't that young. Does the marriage scares you? Did you marry her only because of your son, or because you loved her?


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## JSmith30 (Mar 3, 2010)

I think we got married because it was the next step, and after so many years. 
Been thinking about things and I think I have come to the conclusion that I love her, but i'm not in love with her.

Don't want another 15yrs to go by and look back on things in regret. I honestly think we'd both hurt, but be happier in the long run.


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

why don't you try a seperation first? I am going through a very similar situation with my husband, we have been together for 10 yrs, no kids, married for 2 1/2 of the 10. We seperated because I was sure I wanted a divorce, but now that we have been apart for about a month, once I saw him I'm not so sure, because those old feelings we had before we got married came back. I think you should try a seperating for a while and see if you could work your problems out, sometimes thats the only way to test your love, see how strong it is for one another. With a divorce there is no going back, at least seperating you are apart but you both have time to think things through. Best of luck to you and hope this helps, hang in there I know its tough.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

JSmith30 said:


> I think we got married because it was the next step, and after so many years.
> Been thinking about things and I think I have come to the conclusion that I love her, but i'm not in love with her.
> 
> Don't want another 15yrs to go by and look back on things in regret. I honestly think we'd both hurt, but be happier in the long run.


Seems like you're jsut existing together.. and bored.
I didnt see much about how much you have actually tried to do anything about this. To your son to your wife and to yourself you owe it to explore what's possible.
You've been together a long time and all this lack of talking and intimacy surely has bred a gap. You probably dont even know each other anymore.. There is a long history and something that brought you together in the first place.. You dont need to go back there and try to relive, but again, would it not be interesting if you to really got inside each other, discivered some new things that you're both keeping secret, desires, fears, fantasies and then were able to start discovering them and rediscovering each other. You know.. if its not possible fine and i totally get the lack of fire, but that may be more to lazyness than anything. If you go your own way, you're going to have to reinvest this time anyway.

Anyway.. if you're TRUELY open and honest with each other,, even a separation can be a very happy thing.. explore each other deeply one last time before deciding together to separate...
Your son will love you for it... even if he never knows.


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

You sound exactly like my wife before she left me. Weve been separated 2 months now. It appears as thought it might have been the best thing that ever happened to us.

It was REALLY hard at first, but after things started to calm down, we each got some space, and just worked on ourselves and now seem to be finding our way back to each other with a whole new outlook on things. Its strange. But something happened.

If you are not 100% for sure, and there is no abuse or cheating, I think you should talk to your wife, and try a trial separation.


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## JSmith30 (Mar 3, 2010)

Thanks for your help guys.

Well since first posting some things have happened.

We have started to fight more, and even she brought up divorce. I am thinking that she deep downs knows that we won't last, but is afraid to just take the plunge.

anyway i have decided that i think a trial separation is the best course to take. 

like has been suggested, if we are meant to be we will return to each other. 

Question is how? During a fight it seems easy, but i don't want to do things that way. How have ppl started that conversation? I know it's not easy, just wondering what you said.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Before you do this to your son, why don't you at least TRY to fix things? You feel loveless because you haven't been taking care of your marriage. It does require some work, as with everything. Of course you feel loveless if you do nothing together, don't talk, don't care about each other's happiness. It is recommended that couples spend at least 15 hours a week together doing things that bond them, make them happy to be together, like you did when you were dating; that's not including hours spent housecleaning, kid-sitting, or other such things. If you don't have 'good' time together, of course you feel loveless.

But that can change. If you want it to. If you're not just looking for an excuse to try new people.

I hope you will be honest with yourself, for the sake of your son, and ask yourself whether you aren't just excited at the thought of new women.

That's not a valid reason to tear your son's life up.

IF you decide to at least try one time before you just walk away, please go to marriagebuilders.com. Print out the articles and read them together. Fill out the Love Buster questionnaire and the Emotional Needs questionnaire - both of you - and see if you haven't been doing things all wrong. If you get this information, you can make changes in your daily life that are almost guaranteed to improve your marriage so much so that you'll kick yourself for ever thinking about separating.

Finally, the founder of the site (and his daughter) do phone counseling that is frankly amazing at fixing marriage problems. They give you concrete, positive steps to take to see if your marriage is worth saving.

Isn't it worth at least a few more months of your life to do the right thing and put a little effort in, before you make your son become a statistic?


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

I feel the same way. I know I love my husband, but I am no longer in love. I think you need to do what makes you happy, which will make your son see the happy side of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or, you could find out what it takes to be happy with the person you said you loved. You typically fall out of love because (1) you stop working on the marriage and taking care of the other person or (2) abuse is involved or (3) you've decided you want to try out other people, for the excitement.

If nothing else, do some research on what divorce does to chilidren - lifelong effects - before you decide.


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## JSmith30 (Mar 3, 2010)

I agree with what you have said, up to a point.
My parents stayed together until my youngest brother reached 21. They didn't want to break the family up. 

We all knew they weren't happy, kids pick up on that, and it was even mentioned as we got older that they should move on we'd be fine.

to waste 20yrs of your life if you truly are not happy is a waste.

anyway i am holding off separating, and going to confide in some sort of therapy first.

and for the record, I would never abuse a women, and if i was to split, meeting other people is the last thing on my mind, it would be at least 12mths before i even considered it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you done ANYTHING to try to change your life, aside from thinking about counseling?

Have you tried turning off the tv and talking so you can get to know each other? Agreeing to only spend ONE hour a day on the computer? Going for walks? Playing tennis? Joining a club together? Picnics? Museums? Dance lessons? Jigsaw puzzles? Give each other haircuts or massages? Buy a remote controlled airplane to play with together?

Until you have taken that step, agreed TOGETHER to just stop and put some EFFORT into getting to know each other again, separating is a big cop-out. It's the easy way out - things are hard? Just leave and look for someone else. Maybe THAT one will be easier.

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like you're just looking for something new.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Couldn't agree more with Turnera!

Give it a shot first, then decide.


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