# What advice would you give yourself?



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I was just reminiscing through my older posts, crying at some of it and laughing about some of it, and thinking, 'I wonder what i would say to myself if I came across this?' The thoughts, 'Girl you need to RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!' came to mind pretty quickly...:rofl:

But seriously, if someone else posted your story, what advice would you give them? Try to take a step back and look at just what you've written. What would you tell yourself? Would you take your own advice? 

Quite honestly, I would tell myself to leave. After reading all the crap he's dished out I would say this guy is a volcano that's building pressure to explode. Which makes me sad since we've both made a lot of progress. But im not, nor do I have any intention of, taking my own advice. Yeah...i dont know. Its complicated. I wonder what it means...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would have told my younger self to leave the moment he started disrespecting me and calling me names/ignoring me.. It would have saved me years of heartache, our nasty ending and divorce would have never happened.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If I was reading my posts, and wasn't myself, my advice would be:

- Leave and leave now.

But of course it's never that simple.

Lots of factors involved, some my fault, some his fault and a lot is nobody's fault - it's life and crap happens.

It's why it is so hard to be objective about your own situation. While you can post as many or all the details, it's still only one side. There are always three sides to every story. Yours, mine and the one in the middle that usually holds all the truth from both sides.

So when I, or others give out advice, we are working blindly in a sense as we are trusting those that post to give out the "true" details, and then again - we're only getting their side. Perception is the key. What I see one way, he sees another way and everyone here sees a different way.

When love is involved (or "our" definition of love), it complicates many things. It makes us overlook the obvious, ignore the warning signs and love ourselves less so that we can love someone else more. 

Women are most guilty of this as we tend to live for relationships - whether they be with our spouse's, children, family, friends. Relationships are the cornerstone of who we are, as women. To this end we tend to keep trying and trying and put up with a lot to keep those relationships intact - and this usually results in us losing a little bit of ourselves over and over.

I know I'm guilty - I'm sure others are too.

I know that I don't look at my entire situation objectively and analytically - but that's not who I am. I look at it with love and my whole heart involved and when you look at things with your heart only, you usually are not thinking clearly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Damn! All of us would say "Leave." Crazy! LOL



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's why it is so hard to be objective about your own situation.
> 
> To this end we tend to keep trying and trying and put up with a lot to keep those relationships intact - and this usually results in us losing a little bit of ourselves over and over.


Omg this is so true!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Damn! All of us would say "Leave." Crazy! LOL
> 
> Omg this is so true!


Yes it is - women "live" for relationships. It's the reason we hold on for so long and so hard.

And it's the reason most of us are still in one that we should have given up on a long time ago.

And it's why we're here.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Well, at first I would have offered myself some advice on how to make things work, but when that failed I would have told my other self to leave. I would certainly not have advised myself to give it 2 years. Now it is two years I'll never get back.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think I would tell myself not to get married unless things were already good. And by that I don't mean I ever thought that marriage would "fix" things, but rather the timing of our particular marriage would coincide with a lot of "settling down" that would let us get back to where we'd been. We were already becoming pretty disconnected even then, after a few years of him being on night shifts off and on, me doing grad school at night...just life stuff and we didn't realize how much was slipping away.

I'd have also researched the financial implications of getting married versus continuing to live together. Love may conquer a lot of things, but it does NOT conquer the IRS, let me tell you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Love may conquer a lot of things, but it does NOT conquer the IRS, let me tell you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 No it doesn't!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL at the IRS comment!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If I had "seen" me on here two years ago, I'd have said the same things I say to others. Had I "seen" my 20-something self, hitchin' my wagon to my ex, I'd have said, "What are you thinking? LOOK at the red flags, girl!!" At that age, though, I probably would have ignored my own VERY EXCELLENT advice! Too head-strong and unwilling to admit mistakes. But, hey, that's what life is about, learning! I just wish I hadn't been such a slow learner!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

COGypsy said:


> Love may conquer a lot of things, but it does NOT conquer the IRS, let me tell you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: that's too funny and so true!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> I would have told my younger self to leave the moment he started disrespecting me and calling me names/ignoring me.. It would have saved me years of heartache, our nasty ending and divorce would have never happened.


I constnatly think about what i _should_ have done, too. I should have NEVER moved with my H. he was too immature and didnt understand what a relationship was. 

But i mean for right now. What advice would you give yourself for your life right now? assuming you are still unhappy and living with some regrets what advice would you give yourself to help you through that?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> If I had "seen" me on here two years ago, I'd have said the same things I say to others. Had I "seen" my 20-something self, hitchin' my wagon to my ex, I'd have said, "What are you thinking? LOOK at the red flags, girl!!" At that age, though, I probably would have ignored my own VERY EXCELLENT advice! Too head-strong and unwilling to admit mistakes. But, hey, that's what life is about, learning! I just wish I hadn't been such a slow learner!


Oh man I am the epitome of slow learning! Looking back i cant believe how naive and stupid i was...maybe still am...

but what about right now? for the problems you are having right now?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Boogsie said:


> Well, at first I would have offered myself some advice on how to make things work, but when that failed I would have told my other self to leave. I would certainly not have advised myself to give it 2 years. Now it is two years I'll never get back.


so it sounds like you are having a lot of regret about what you did. So if you were reading your story, of someone living with regret and wishing they had chosen different earlier, what would you tell that person? How would you help yourself now?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Lots of factors involved, some my fault, some his fault and a lot is nobody's fault - it's life and crap happens.
> 
> It's why it is so hard to be objective about your own situation. While you can post as many or all the details, it's still only one side. There are always three sides to every story. Yours, mine and the one in the middle that usually holds all the truth from both sides.


:smthumbup: this is why i think its important to give yourself advice sometimes. I know i have not objectively presented my situation on here. i posted all the bad things about my H but almost none of the things about myself. It does complicate things.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't take the Red Pill, Neo. It's bull****.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would tell myself to leave, but knowing myself the way only I do, I wouldn't listen to that advise.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Don't take the Red Pill, Neo. It's bull****.


:rofl:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> I would tell myself to leave, but knowing myself the way only I do, I wouldn't listen to that advise.


Im the same way. Sometimes i hear stories on here that are similar to mine and i actually advise the person to leave...but that doesnt make a lot of sense since im not leaving. 

Does that mean we think we really shouldnt leave?? If so, why would we tell ourselves that that's what we think?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I'd tell myself to get over the fear of leaving the children in another person's care and get into MC ASAP.

I just can't do it. Here's to hoping we can figure it out on our own!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

WhereAmI said:


> I'd tell myself to get over the fear of leaving the children in another person's care and get into MC ASAP.
> 
> I just can't do it. Here's to hoping we can figure it out on our own!


Im sure we'll figure it out because at some point we have to.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> If I was reading my posts, and wasn't myself, my advice would be:
> 
> - Leave and leave now.
> 
> ...


Excellent post!


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## anitagrace2 (Dec 28, 2011)

my advice for me is that i will become a good person for every one.


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## NoKidsJustCats (Jan 1, 2012)

As many others have said, it's not that simple. I know many people would tell me to leave, but I am NOT ready to give up. Unfortunately (sometimes fortunately) I am stubborn and will not give up until I know there is no hope, and right now I still have hope.

I guess with that in mind, my advice to me would be, get help, See a counselor, work on yourself. be HAPPY and try not to worry. let go and if it's meant to be, it will be.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

If I hadn't gotten to this point of understanding, I might have thought "leave" too..... which is where my mind was heading and ultimately led us to having this major shake up. 

It's entirely possible that I'm about to contradict myself, bare with me, but if I could have told myself something before all this, it would be to stop getting into a selfish mindset and think more about his perspective and us. If I had, I wonder if we could have gone through this with less hurt. However ......I also wonder if we would have truly recognized where we were at and where we needed to be, for each other, if it hadn't come about in this way. Would it have turned around in such a way? 

I only had a few sessions with a therapist but his lingering words seem to have more impact now, now that I can see our relationship from this perspective. I would tell myself to wake up and look at my behavior. It was a huge year of growth for me and us. The reason I was initially mentally checking-out was because our sex life was strained. I understand it now. I see my part in this too. We have both made changes and we're adjusting to each others changes. And I recognize how I was actually 'shutting-down' too in completely different ways. It struck me recently the way my behavior plays out (into various aspects of my life), now that I'm aware of it, I feel I understand myself better and then able to fulfill his needs more. He mentioned just last night the difference he sees and appreciates, over the last few months especially. 

I was thinking this morning about our journey and how our sex life has really improved, as well as other aspects of our relationship. We had one of the most erotic and passionate encounters of our marriage just the other night. And he now expresses the importance of our sex life, has become much more open with me sexually, and we're on the same page again. The other issues had to be dealt with _before_ getting to this though. There's now a constant awareness.

Sorry, maybe I should have summarized. What would I tell myself? ......I'd say stop being a selfish b!tch. Then I'd say wake up to yourself, see the changes you need to make - not just for the relationship but for your own growth and understanding. I'd then advice if, after expressing and putting best foot forward, he didn't make an effort to change, then decide whether this is what you want.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ or maybe I'd just tell myself "learn to write shorter posts"


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Don't take the Red Pill, Neo. It's bull****.


Yeah. I'd take the Blue Pill. Every morning I wake up and think "I wish I was still in the Matrix".


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