# Frustrated wife



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hi y'all,

First time to this thread. I've read a few posts and y'all seem to have some good advice to dole out.

For the first time last night in our 6 years together, DH and I couldn't have sex because of ME. I couldn't get wet no matter what. I'm realizing it's for a few reasons:

1- he works all the time (this will end in June after he finishes school) and we rarely have intimate conversations. He is sweet and caring, but doesn't seem very interested in my thoughts and opinions about things. 

2 - since he works all the time, sex only happens when he is taking a break, and the implication is always "ok I have 25 mins so let's make this happen asap"... too much pressure for me.

3 - he doesn't do romantic things like take me out to dinner/buy me flowers/take me on a weekend getaway. If we do go out, everything--all bills, dinners out, etc.--is split 50/50. 

4 - his mustache! It goes up my nose when he kisses me and completely pulls me out of the mood. I hate it! And he won't trim it. 

5 - he doesn't express interest in figuring out how to make me orgasm. The other day he told me he had no idea if or when it has happened, and then didn't bother to ask anything else.

I work from home (and go to school at night) so I cook and clean and spend time on my appearance (gym, dying my hair, etc) for him, but I don't feel I get the same effort back from him. He thinks the magical solution is lube, but I know it's more than that and I don't know how to get what I need from him. I'm just feeling hopeless and starting to have a more than normal number of sex dreams about other men.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800744236: Amazon.com: Books


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800744236: Amazon.com: Books


Thanks for sharing--I actually adore that book and it helps me articulate what's wrong. DH, of course, refuses to read it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

newwife07 said:


> Hi y'all,
> 
> First time to this thread. I've read a few posts and y'all seem to have some good advice to dole out.
> 
> ...


Tell him what you wrote here. Resentment and lack of erotic build up with leave you dry. Waning attraction will also do it.

Speak up softly, then loudly. Yes it's temporary, you hope, but it's reality and he needs to know this about his wife.

Also, follow Hopes link and get the book and read it together.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

No man or woman is going to feel really good about scheduling sex. Takes away the spontaneous out of it. When we were trying for our first child I felt this way. 
You have to lay it out for him. The facial hair doesn't do it for you. That you need more romance and how you know school is important but the marriage should come first.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> Thanks for sharing--I actually adore that book and it helps me articulate what's wrong. DH, of course, refuses to read it.


What an ass. Ok then, how about you just start reading it to him in bed or in the car or at the dinner table. In the car would be a good place, when you're driving somewhere that takes a while.

Tell him that you're desperate and you know this book will help you and for him to do it with you because you need it. 

If he STILL refuses, well then I'd be questioning the entire relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who values you so little?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Be aware that your guy may hear that you don't like his mustache and interpret that as some sort of mild abstract issue. You need to make it clear to him - by saying the actual words in a clear, precise, serious tone - that his mustache makes you not want to have sex with him. 

Beyond that, it sounds like you two are living a busy and disconnected pair of parallel lives. And, frankly, like your husband is either ignorant or selfish about sex and the female sexual response. If he's ignorant, you need to educate him. Selfish is an altogether different problem.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

It's nice to feel understood! Thanks for the responses so far. I really appreciate the advice. None of my friends are married yet so they don't understand ("how could you not want to have sex?!")


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You have a variety of issues symptoms that are creating 2 feelings inside of you: 1) Loss of Attraction and 2) Resentment

If it is still relatively early in the relationship and you've not been down this road very long, then I assume you are still committed for the long haul. Therefore, you will have to maintain some patience as you move forward. IMHO, I think the best approach is to work on those things that would be easiest to fix. They may not be the most important issues, but starting small can build up momentum for the both of you. I think it is the same approach some people will used when tackling debt - start on the smallest bills, knock them out and work on the next biggest issues, etc. etc.

You need to let him know that you have these issues, and they are serious to you. Encourage him to work on his own list of what ails him in the marriage too and create one master list. Then rank them in priority from easiest to fix to the most difficult. Come up with a consensus and tackle each one together. I assume the mustache is the easiest fix; however, it's "his identity", then that could be a bigger issue.

Before anything can happen, make sure that he comes to the realization that the two of you have serious issues to deal with. Without his buy in, it's pointless to work on anything tangible together. That's when you work on yourself and your flaws only and enact the 180. If you don't know about the 180, it's posted in a number of areas on this message board. But the bottom line is the 180 is to allow you to heal from the hurts from your spouse. You consciously pull away from him and focus on just you. 

Just a warning, but I'm sure you are hearing from him "Once I'm done with school, things will be different". Have a healthy dose of skepticism here because we are creatures of habit by nature. The longer we do something, the more ingrained it becomes and we will end up creating a new equillibrium where it now becomes "normal" for you and him to go off into your own parts of the house after 6 pm, for example.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

New wife, you and I deal with the exact same thing just from the opposite gender. I hate being told there is a time limit. I hate feelong there is no emotional interaction on their part. And never having them initiate kills my self confidence to be honest. So I sympathize with you on this one. We could share lots of similiar war stories I am sure. LOL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That all sounds about right. 

My H travels quite a bit. I've found it takes a while having him back in the house before I warm up. When you go days and periods of time with no kissing, no hugging and phone conversations are not intimate that is really a cold start. 

As far as the time goes - I'm fine with scheduled sex. In fact I like it because it gives me something to look forward to. My sex drive is a bit higher than my husbands and I hate when I think we are going to have sex that night and he wasn't thinking that at all. So scheduling sex I'm fine with BUT if you put a time limit on it that blows it for me as well. I have a hard enough time getting in the orgasm zone, I certainly couldn't do with a time limit on there as well.

As far as your orgasms go - that is a tricky one. My husband has said the same to me. Me having an orgasm or not doesn't diminish or increase his sexual pleasure. I put a lot of effort into faking them to spare his feelings but he later said he never knew if I was or wasn't and if I wasn't happy I would have said something. Which I finally did - but many years too late.

I'm trying to learn to stick up for my own orgasms and its been difficult. I do wish I was with someone that really cared I was having them (as opposed to thinking its fair I get one too, which is where we are now.) It's much easier to just get them on my own, it's difficult to learn differently.

If he really doesn't care if you are having orgasms - I mean doesn't care to help you out in any way or feel that you are at least entitled to one - I think you would probably want to rethink this relationship.

I do believe there are more men out there that care than men that don't care. 

I think that if your husband is willing to work on this with you that is a sign that he does care about you and your feelings. If he is not even willing to work on this with you - that doesn't say much about how he thinks of you as a wife.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I do believe there are more men out there that care than men that don't care.


I don't know if this is necessarily true or not. 

I have to figure though this forum is skewed because the type of guys who don't care probably aren't introspective enough to frequent a forum like this.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That is true, the sample we have on this board seem to care very much. In my real life friends it's probably 50/50. In my own sexual history - none.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I don't know if this is necessarily true or not.
> 
> I have to figure though this forum is skewed because the type of guys who don't care probably aren't introspective enough to frequent a forum like this.


The same holds true for our women here... The introspective, sensual, and constructive women here ABSOLUTELY do not represent the same ratio of such outside of TAM.

Anecdotally, I can say that the overwhelming majority of women I have known my whole life would never care enough to discuss matters such as TAM's, MUCH, much less the matters here in the Sex subforum.

In this sex subforum, the women posting are all dreams come true for most men... 

If I read enough of Simply Amorous' or Anon Pink's posts, it makes me want to go outside and slap every woman I see sometimes!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think that it is reasonable for you to expect some commitment from him towards the relationship. Maybe things will improve when he finishes school or maybe he is just selfish. Better to find out now than latter. If he will not even talk about it that is a bad sign.


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