# Sex as the Default Opposed to No Sex



## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

I turned 45 in October. After a few years of high-quality, yet low frequency sex with my W of 22 years, I'd had enough, when, on October 2013 I had sex only twice - once on my B-day, and once on her B-day, not even on our anniversary. I'd relied quite heavily on daily masturbation to fill in the gaps. Well, I stopped. Cold turkey. I read His Needs Her Needs, Married Man Sex Life Primer, How to Answer 'Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big". And I spent a LOT of time reading various TAM forums.

While my W and I are in a really good place today intimacy-wise (not just sex, just overall closeness), and the quality of our sex has improved (when we DID have sex, even when it was infrequent, it WAS very good, she always O's, and, of course, so do I), the frequency still is no where near what I need. 

Now we all know that sex is not like air, or water, food, or shelter. I won't die if I don't get it. Afterall, I'd survived in the gap relying on my hand and my imagination and images of pornography to get me to the tension and ultimate relief of the orgasm. I could still do it in the gaps today. But I've found that resisting makes me more aggressive with my W, and she's reacting to me in a very, very positive way, and it is permeating her entire daily routine, mostly. She's still coming around, relearning what came so naturally many years ago. Bu she's up for the task, enthusiastically.

So here's the deal, and you HD men out there...I can only speak for myself...I literally want sex every day. Multiple times each day, in fact. I could be sick, abscessed tooth, muscle cramp in my calf, headache. Nothing wipes away my desire to make love to my wife. Nothing that I've found, anyway. 

Why is it that NO SEX TONIGHT is the default rather than SEX TONIGHT? In my mind, sex should be the default, just like I have to get up in the morning to go to work, even though I don't feel like it. And, not unlike getting time off at work on occasion, the same should be with sex. 

Going to work is the default. Feeding the kids is the default. Paying the bills is the default. Having sex SHOULD be the default, shouldn't it?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I like that idea!

Sex is the default, no sex would require a damn good excuse! 


Sold!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john1068 said:


> I turned 45 in October. After a few years of high-quality, yet low frequency sex with my W of 22 years, I'd had enough, when, on October 2013 I had sex only twice - once on my B-day, and once on her B-day, not even on our anniversary. I'd relied quite heavily on daily masturbation to fill in the gaps. Well, I stopped. Cold turkey. I read His Needs Her Needs, Married Man Sex Life Primer, How to Answer 'Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big". And I spent a LOT of time reading various TAM forums.
> 
> While my W and I are in a really good place today intimacy-wise (not just sex, just overall closeness), and the quality of our sex has improved (when we DID have sex, even when it was infrequent, it WAS very good, she always O's, and, of course, so do I), the frequency still is no where near what I need.
> 
> ...


I think sex or forms of sex SHOULD be the default in a marriage. Masturbation does not cover it.

Sex is like a lubrication and enhancement for your entire life. Everything is brighter, your thoughts clearer, your stress better managed, etc.

I would try to get out of masterbation and get the wife to around 3 times a week. If it was 2 duties and one where she wanted it, that would be great.

Figure out what it's going to take.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

It's become our default, and it's good. Used to have to mark the calendar on days we had sex; would be easier now just to mark the days we don't. 

So, OP, is your wife on board to give it a try?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AGREE!!

Daily sex should be the default!! (It certainly is at my house!) A night without sex should be the exception, not the norm. Of course, every couple is different, but I can't imagine doing it less than 3 times per week.

It's just the WHOLE way to reconnect, rebalance, find your center with your partner, share intimacy, etc. etc.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> AGREE!!
> 
> Daily sex should be the default!! (It certainly is at my house!) A night without sex should be the exception, not the norm. Of course, every couple is different, but I can't imagine doing it less than 3 times per week.
> 
> It's just the WHOLE way to reconnect, rebalance, find your center with your partner, share intimacy, etc. etc.


Excellent point. Daily sex as a default just for the connectivity. If it's a 5 minute session then so be it...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yeah I'm in with that, got my vote. Unfortunately we have spouses with veto power.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I remember those days of sex atleast once a day....many years ago and not with my wife!

I think when we are 20-30ish we want and are capable of sex 2,3,4 x a day. Whilst it would be nice if it was with our GF, of whom we were atleast fond of, it didnt really matter. We just wanted sex...whoever it was with.

As we get older and mellow I think the emotional connection becomes more important than the physical need to have sex. 
By the time we get to 30 we have probably met and fallen in love with our life time partner so sex is more about bonding and lurve making etc than it is about simply getting our rocks off.

However, when the emotional connection starts to wane along with our need for sexual release then sex tends to come off the menu.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when we reach our 40's our need for sex decreases rapidly UNLESS there is an emotional connection.

Any 40+ yr old who gets a one night stand is probably doing it just to prove to himself that he can still pull!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sex is the default for us, daily and more. Very few days go by with no sexual connection even if it is just a quickie before work (I don't O in the mornings often but I walk on air sending him off for a hard days work with a big smile).

I don't like going to sleep without having some sexual contact first. eg last night we were exhausted after a huge day of renovations. Had had a long session in the morning though. Off to bed, he crashed within 1 minute but I lay there restless so eventually woke him up to give him a BJ. Then we both slept like logs 

Both of us came from sexless marriages so what we have together is precious. The emotional and physical connection is amazing.

Oh and OP this is not a gender thing, women can be as HD as some men and men can be as LD as some women.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

*Re: Re: Sex as the Default Opposed to No Sex*



askari said:


> I remember those days of sex atleast once a day....many years ago and not with my wife!
> 
> I think when we are 20-30ish we want and are capable of sex 2,3,4 x a day. Whilst it would be nice if it was with our GF, of whom we were atleast fond of, it didnt really matter. We just wanted sex...whoever it was with.
> 
> ...


I agree. I'm 49, my wife is 45 & our emotional connection has been gone for several years, she let her focus lie with her troubled daughter, we raised from 6 years on, she is 23 now. She now has a baby, so my wife's focus is on her now, "we" just got lost along the way. I've mentioned my story in several other threads so I won't rehash it. Our sex life is unfulfilling, boring & I no longer even care. I was always the initiater & she would do the bare minimum, no foreplay, oral etc. I can still perform, but after several years of trying to improve things, I just accepted it. It has been a thorn for so long, it actually feels good to not stress about it anymore. Do I miss it, heck yes, but it is just a fantasy now. No masturbation needed either, my sex drive is driven by wanting emotional closeness & not physical release.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> Sex is the default for us, daily and more. Very few days go by with no sexual connection even if it is just a quickie before work (I don't O in the mornings often but I walk on air sending him off for a hard days work with a big smile).
> 
> I don't like going to sleep without having some sexual contact first. eg last night we were exhausted after a huge day of renovations. Had had a long session in the morning though. Off to bed, he crashed within 1 minute but I lay there restless so eventually woke him up to give him a BJ. Then we both slept like logs
> 
> ...


Dayum Holland you getting it done! I don't know if I could continue that pace for any length of time. We did that when we were trying to conceive and sometimes it wore me out! I think my H could do it though but he keeps it to 3 to 4 times a week. There were times when I was pregnant that i felt like i could do it everyday but not now that I've had the baby. Guess my HD card was temporary!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's our default.Things just aren't right in our house if we haven't had some sort of physical connection. It takes something really crazy like a migraine,upset tummy,or flu to keep us away from having something sexy in our evening.Even if it's just foreplay that ends in orgasms without PIV sex.
If one of us doesn't want it we better have a really good excuse or reason.None of this "Im tired" bs bc we WILL call each other out for that stuff before it becomes a habit. Chances are you aren't tired, you're lazy.On the days where we're both legit tired we'll agree to naked cuddling at the bare minimum.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's our default.Things just aren't right in our house if we haven't had some sort of physical connection. It takes something really crazy like a migraine,upset tummy,or flu to keep us away from having something sexy in our evening.Even if it's just foreplay that ends in orgasms without PIV sex.
> If one of us doesn't want it we better have a really good excuse or reason.None of this "Im tired" bs bc we WILL call each other out for that stuff before it becomes a habit. Chances are you aren't tired, you're lazy.On the days where we're both legit tired we'll agree to naked cuddling at the bare minimum.


Wish my wife and I would do exactly this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

NewHubs said:


> Wish my wife and I would do exactly this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be fair,by site standards we're a fairly new couple (together less than 5 years). I hope we maintain the good behavior and high standards we set for our relationship at the beginning.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Yeah I'm in with that, got my vote. Unfortunately we have spouses with veto power.


If there was one thing I could impart to the LD spouse, it would be how FREEING it is to concede all power to veto. It improves things because:

1. When you don't have deliberate anymore, the stress associated with the whole issue suddenly evaporates. There is no question of saying no, or of being rejected. 

2. You don't have to worry about making it a production every time; there is more room for quickies or just orgasm for one person. The tension over whether this is all there is for the next week or month is gone, so maximizing the performance becomes less important. 

3. With the improved sexual contact, there is usually improved quality of life for the HD individual, and the "trickle down" effect becomes noticeable to the LD individual. 

Having gone through a period of LD myself, I know how impossible/ridiculous this sounds to HD and LD spouses alike. So simple a solution . . . but yet so very hard to implement. If there was only a way to convince people to just try it for a month . . . hmmmmmm. I'll have to think on that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

askari said:


> I remember those days of sex atleast once a day....many years ago and not with my wife!
> 
> I think when we are 20-30ish we want and are capable of sex 2,3,4 x a day. Whilst it would be nice if it was with our GF, of whom we were atleast fond of, it didnt really matter. We just wanted sex...whoever it was with.
> 
> ...


They might be out there like that and never came inside to "behave". So it may be a 20+ years worth of bar and party slagging...


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

my wife (of four years) and I have /had a wonderful sex life. 
very much in love, we are both very oral and both givers. 
we could write a good book on great sex. 

My wife "has lost respect" with me because I didn't take a job offer about 1000 miles from our home now. We both have children from previous marriages, she has two children 18 daughter and a 22 son. I have a daughter 26. 

We've had employment issues which are difficult, but I wasn't too keen on moving that far away. I am still not employed, and she has found a job and feels I failed the marriage by not taking that job. She says it is unforgivable and its been miserable for a year. She says she is no longer in love with me.

Our wonderful sex life stopped dead in its tracks. Overnight. 
I am living my worse nightmare. I receive sex maybe once a week now. Thankfully, it is still very good sex, but it is only once a week. I have been so frustrated emotionally and sexually.

She doesn't believe she is in love with me anymore and doesn't initiate sex.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

312cpl said:


> my wife (of four years) and I have /had a wonderful sex life.
> very much in love, we are both very oral and both givers.
> we could write a good book on great sex.
> 
> ...


Don't cry, complain or sulk about it. Execute and improve your MAP. 

Take care of whatever business you need to take care of and be thankful to get GOOD sex once a week. Many marrieds would be happy to have any kind of sex to completion once a week.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's the thing... all those "default" things really aren't default things. You don't go to work every day (assuming you have weekends off), you don't pay bills every day (I pay 2x per month), etc... In addition, you can go to work alone and pay bills alone.

So what's the difference? The sex you describe requires a willing partner. And to all of you who do have a willing partner, that's great.

The problems arise when libidos are different. For me, 3-4 times a week would be fine. For my wife, 3-4 times a month would be fine. You have to reach a compromise if your partner isn't on the same wavelength as you (and that goes for a lot of things in marriage). I'm happy to compromise at 2x per week and take care of myself the rest of the time.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

312cpl said:


> my wife (of four years) and I have /had a wonderful sex life.
> very much in love, we are both very oral and both givers.
> we could write a good book on great sex.
> 
> ...


I understand the employment issue. I became unemployed two weeks ago. And I have been offered a 6 month contract position in Dubai...I'm not keen on taking it, either. But we've talked about it...it'll pay 3x what previously earned so it's a good move financially AND career-wise, but will be very difficult on our relationship - all we'll have is Skype between visits.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Yeah I'm in with that, got my vote. Unfortunately we have spouses with veto power.


haha! so true
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> The problems arise when libidos are different. For me, 3-4 times a week would be fine. For my wife, 3-4 times a month would be fine. You have to reach a compromise if your partner isn't on the same wavelength as you (and that goes for a lot of things in marriage). I'm happy to compromise at 2x per week and take care of myself the rest of the time.


Chris, I agree. completely. 2x a week would be great. My wife doesn't like planning sex. she wants me to let it "just happen". If I wait for her, it will never happen. So, gee, what day will she agree to sex?? So, in the evening, before bedtime, when I try to have sex and get shot down, that leaves me totally frustrated and can hardly sleep. Then the next night...same thing! This builds resentment. So, by time I get laid during the week, it makes it more difficult to enjoy. 

And hell, we can't voice our emotions like they want us to ....I'll never get laid. 

I tell her, if we plan, say Tuesday and Saturday. This way I know when I can look forward to it. Plus, this way I will leave her alone and not grope her too much on off days. 

This ^ is exactly what brought me to the forum.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

312cpl said:


> Chris, I agree. completely. 2x a week would be great. My wife doesn't like planning sex. she wants me to let it "just happen". If I wait for her, it will never happen. So, gee, what day will she agree to sex?? So, in the evening, before bedtime, when I try to have sex and get shot down, that leaves me totally frustrated and can hardly sleep. Then the next night...same thing! This builds resentment. So, by time I get laid during the week, it makes it more difficult to enjoy.
> 
> And hell, we can't voice our emotions like they want us to ....I'll never get laid.
> 
> ...


I think the planning will work with your type.

The other thing is upping and working on your MAP. Make it so she knows that other women would rip your clothes off.


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

john1068 said:


> I understand the employment issue. I became unemployed two weeks ago. And I have been offered a 6 month contract position in Dubai...I'm not keen on taking it, either. But we've talked about it...it'll pay 3x what previously earned so it's a good move financially AND career-wise, but will be very difficult on our relationship - all we'll have is Skype between visits.


I've worked my entire life (thank God) rand rarely taken more than five days off of work at one time. 2012 I was let go. Since then I have had two temporary positions, without benefits. I've been sitting on my ass sending out resumes every day since then. I'm 54, make too much money for the position, and I'm worried I'll never work again. 

During the first month of being unemployed, I was offered a job in Florida (I am in Illinois) at about 75% of my pay with benefits. I felt I didn't have enough time to apply for jobs closer to home. Plus my wife has two kids and I have one kid that live in Illinois and couldn't move with us if we took the job. So, I turned it down. been regretting it since. and, my wife is so upset, we may be divorced by summer. 

I can't say one way or another about that Dubai offer...good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> Why is it that NO SEX TONIGHT is the default rather than SEX TONIGHT?


SEX TONIGHT is the default in _this_ relationship/marriage. NONE was the default in my first marriage, as well as hers.

We both much prefer this approach. Of course, our libidos are well matched, and that was one of the things we looked for in new partners when we were dating. Even after 14 years, we actively nurture our sex life to keep it exciting.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> 2. You don't have to worry about making it a production every time; there is more room for quickies or just orgasm for one person. The tension over whether this is all there is for the next week or month is gone, so maximizing the performance becomes less important.


Couldn't agree more. Daily sexual contact means MUCH more variety and no pressure to turn it into a big, drawn out ordeal which LD people seem to dread. There are plenty of opportunities to focus on one partner or the other without the pressure of both people ALWAYS having to reach the big O.

Don't get me wrong, those long drawn out sessions ARE important. But there is nothing wrong with a quickie just to please one person or the other. I can't imagine a day going by without some kind of sexual contact. My favorite is when my lover slips into the shower with me when I'm least expecting it. Gives a whole new meaning to scrubbing up...:smthumbup:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

312cpl said:


> Chris, I agree. completely. 2x a week would be great. My wife doesn't like planning sex. she wants me to let it "just happen". If I wait for her, it will never happen. So, gee, what day will she agree to sex?? So, in the evening, before bedtime, when I try to have sex and get shot down, that leaves me totally frustrated and can hardly sleep. Then the next night...same thing! This builds resentment. So, by time I get laid during the week, it makes it more difficult to enjoy.
> 
> And hell, we can't voice our emotions like they want us to ....I'll never get laid.
> 
> ...


A couple of things. First, I completely understand the frustration aspect, especially if she doesn't want it planned out. But I don't think you can have it both ways.

Second, don't get so frustrated that you hesitate to initiate. This is important for a discussion down the road. If you don't make attempts for intimacy, some day down the road you will hear "Well I didn't know you wanted to have sex. You never try anymore." Try, and make her say no.

Third, while "planning" may not work, it may help to let her know in advance. For example when you kiss her good-bye in the morning, make it a nice one and say "I'd like a lot more tonight." This way if she's the type that needs to get in the mood, or worries about work around the house she will have all day to get chores done, read some erotica, watch some porn, etc... so her night may flow easier with you.

Finally yes you can voice your emotions. You MUST voice your emotions. Open and honest communication is necessary in a marriage, even if that communication is hard to hear or hard to deliver. You have to explain to her that a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" (NOT "sex") with her is important in the marriage. It's the balance with monogamy and "forsaking all others". Without it, the marriage will fail.


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