# Had enough, now it is up to me.



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

OK so it has been almost three years together and it had been a lot of fighting. Too much fighting.

Why do we fight? 
Beats me...
No really, my wife fights all the time whether I am speaking or not, reading a book, or watching TV. She says I irritate her, even when doing nothing at all. So she blows up at me and continues to escalate. Two days later she will tell me she loves me and apologize. Next day she will do it all over again. Back and forth, back and forth.

I have had enough.

I have been patient with her, as friends and the MC told me to be. I have been so patient. However I am not going to spend the next five years waiting for my wife to get rid of her 46 years of accumulated insecurities and other issues that cause her to start fights all the time.

This is her first marriage
She waited till 43 to say yes 
She was a player
She complains she has no life now
She want's "space"
She complains about my daughter visiting on weekends only to says she loves her the next day
She is very very jealous though I barely have any female friends. Well none really anymore.


What has been stopping me?
Well - I love her; I am a romantic.
Additionally my daughter loves her.
Oh and we work together; but fortunately she may be transferred soon.


Over time I have learned that love is not everything; that she does not want to be married and I cannot change that no matter how hard I try.

It's time to take charge and do what I have to do, no matter how much it hurts....


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Corum said:


> She complains she has no life now
> She want's "space"


Red flags there.

Any chance she is talking to another man ?



Corum said:


> She is very very jealous though I barely have any female friends. Well none really anymore.


Another red flag.
My STBX had that at the start, she was always accusing of which she was guilty of herself.


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## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

planbnomore said:


> Red flags there.
> 
> Any chance she is talking to another man ?
> 
> ...


Nah, no chance of cheating. No opportunity even if she wanted to.
In some ways I wish she would - I could leave her so easily then.
I think this is likely more a product of her likely BPD personality.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

If your wife didn't get married until she was 43, it's not surprising that she is having a hard time adjusting. My guess is that she (and perhaps you) are not very good at asking for what you want from each other. I don't know if you've read "His Needs, Her Needs," but one of the things that a typical woman wants the most from a relationship is to spend quality time with her partner, and if she defines (subconsciously) quality time differently than you do, then she will be uneasy about the relationship. For example, you say that she gets annoyed at you even if you are just reading a book or watching TV. You might (quite reasonably) be thinking that the two of you are hanging out together enjoying each others' company. But if she (also quite reasonably) is thinking that because you are reading or watching TV that your attention is on those things and not on her, she will feel neglected. She gets mad at you because she wants you to demonstrate your love for her by making her the focus of the time together and snaps. But, later, she realizes that there was nothing malicious about what you were doing, and that she was overreacting so she apologizes. Same thing with your daughter. If she is feeling that you aren't spending quality time together, then even though she may logically understand that of course you want to focus your attention on your daughter on the weekends, she will be uneasy because she doesn't see you carving out similar amounts of undivided attention to spend on her. 

If this is the case, what your wife needs to learn how to do is to tell you what she really needs, instead of hinting around at it. You can try and help her by prompting her to tell you what she wants you to do -- for example, you could say "Since my daughter is going to be with us Friday through Sunday night, you and I won't have a lot of one-on-one time. Would you like to go our for dinner on Monday to catch up? That would allow you to (go to a yoga class/ have a coffee with your friend/ catch up on work) on Tuesday night." Doing so might show her that you are available, that she does have time for a life, and also stick to your boundaries (i.e., maintaining a meaningful relationship with your daughter).


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Run!


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

dumpedandhappy said:


> Run!


Agreed.


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