# Moving forward



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

After my divorce I spent many months blaming my ex for everything wrong in my life. She was the source of every failure, every missed opportunity, every bad thing than had happened to me. She was what was holding me back from the life I had always dreamed about. Sounds good, right? Except that since she is no longer around I no longer have her to blame and still had many of the same problems I had when we were together. So obviously, she wasn't to blame (not that she didn't contribute - but that is another story)
Anyways, pretty much everything I did in the first 3-6 months was all motivated by her to some degree or another, which doesn't really make sense given that I was blaming her. But that is what addiction does to you.
Over the past few weeks, I have begun to realize that I am the only one responsible for me, my life and how I am going to live it. So the seeds of my renewal, which I planted myself, are starting to sprout and I am excited to watch them grow.
After a short stint working for someone else, I went back into business for myself. Things started off well enough but then tailed off as I settled for whatever business happened rather than pursuing it. So I started pursuing it. I have developed three new income streams. I am working on a fourth and have a longer term goal for a fifth. 
I am really beginning to understand so many of the ideas that people have told me along the way. Things I thought I understood but really didn't. As I bump up against a reality, I am forced to modify my understanding, which has lead me to greater depths of understanding. The superficial ways that I understood things before are being replaced my much deeper fundamental changes in what I believe and why I believe them.
Life is starting to move forward. I am still lonely, but I am becoming comfortable with just my self. I do not feel the desperation I did before. I realize that I don't have to settle. I realize that if I come across something or somebody that doesn't appeal to me, that I am no longer disappointed, but actually feel good, because I have now learned more about my own wants and needs, which in turn will continue to guide my future.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ynot said:


> After my divorce I spent many months blaming my ex for everything wrong in my life. She was the source of every failure, every missed opportunity, every bad thing than had happened to me. She was what was holding me back from the life I had always dreamed about. Sounds good, right? Except that since she is no longer around I no longer have her to blame and still had many of the same problems I had when we were together. So obviously, she wasn't to blame (not that she didn't contribute - but that is another story)
> Anyways, pretty much everything I did in the first 3-6 months was all motivated by her to some degree or another, which doesn't really make sense given that I was blaming her. But that is what addiction does to you.
> Over the past few weeks, I have begun to realize that I am the only one responsible for me, my life and how I am going to live it. So the seeds of my renewal, which I planted myself, are starting to sprout and I am excited to watch them grow.
> After a short stint working for someone else, I went back into business for myself. Things started off well enough but then tailed off as I settled for whatever business happened rather than pursuing it. So I started pursuing it. I have developed three new income streams. I am working on a fourth and have a longer term goal for a fifth.
> ...


Great post! I really like your last couple of sentences, and also your introduction about your ex. I'm on very much the same journey, although I think you're probably further along since I still consistently have dreams that I'm unable to walk forward without a tremendous about of effort and discomfort (and weakness). In my dreams, I'm able to walk backwards just fine. (Just had this dream again last night). 

Step 1 for me (well, besides buying a house and moving over the summer) is my first meeting with a personal trainer this afternoon. I really need to get my health and fitness back on track to give me confidence, and also energy for all of the other things I want to do. 

Thanks for your wise words! I like the way you think!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Great post! I really like your last couple of sentences, and also your introduction about your ex. I'm on very much the same journey, although I think you're probably further along since I still consistently have dreams that I'm unable to walk forward without a tremendous about of effort and discomfort (and weakness). In my dreams, I'm able to walk backwards just fine. (Just had this dream again last night).
> 
> Step 1 for me (well, besides buying a house and moving over the summer) is my first meeting with a personal trainer this afternoon. I really need to get my health and fitness back on track to give me confidence, and also energy for all of the other things I want to do.
> 
> Thanks for your wise words! I like the way you think!


Thanks for the kind words.
Good luck with the trainer. Our physical bodies are something many of us allow to go to seed in pursuit of filling our other needs.
I see a lot of new posters around here. I hope that in some way my posts about my recovery become a way to pay it forward. I know that when I first got here there were quite a few who's posts helped me along.
I didn't always understand and sometimes fought against the ideas, at least subconsciously, but over time I have come understand them much better and have made the effort to incorporate them into my thinking. I know I still have a LOT of work to do, but I can finally see momentum starting to build.
I am genuinely becoming excited about the future after months of living in a fog.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Interesting thoughts Ynot.

As I think about it I realize that I never felt like my X was holding me down or back until after I left her. I guess my mind was so wrapped around her first and happy wife happy life that as she was happy it didn't matter that I wasn't. I think to a large degree I didn't even think I was unhappy I was just going through the paces of life and putting forth effort to make sure she felt special.

After all was said and done and all I had to worry about was me I have flourished. Got all aspects of my life back on track . I would like to sell my house, the last reminder of my life that once was, but need to await my promotion first. 

For me, who never wanted to be the divorced guy in his 40's, I have found out just how strong I am. I do now regret many of the sacrafices I have made for a relationship that didn't work out but I did make those sacrafices in good faith.

Living life on your own terms is an incredible thing


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Ynot ~

I too have discovered MY faults during this divorce process. I could sense your self-awareness and I admire your strength. Your post is encouraging for me.

VH


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I discovered my faults as well. I refused to recognize them at first, which was why I blamed her for everything. Then as I came realize them, I felt a great deal of guilt over my shortcomings. Then as I came to understand them better, I realized that I had been doing the best I could knowing what I knew at that time. If I was ever going to recover I needed to know better and that all starts with working on yourself. The first step to recovery is recognizing you have a problem. I did and now I am doing.
Another thing I realized is that she was doing the best she could do knowing what she knew. Whether or not she has taken the time to know better is out of my control.


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