# How to work on being sexually attracted to my SO?



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

Hi there TAM!

I wanted to voice a somewhat complex issue that is on my mind, and get some advice for increasing my sexual attraction to a person I am already intellectually and emotionally attracted to. I am a physically healthy and mentally happy female in my 20s in a relationship with a great guy and headed towards marriage.

However, when it comes to sexual attraction, I'm missing something. Fact is, I never have been sexually attracted to anyone, male or female, real or fictional, crush or celebrity. As such, I am also not sexually attracted to my SO. All my past crushes on people were strictly platonic. They were intense and obsessive, but never sexual in nature. I never fantasized that a crush would rip off my clothes and ravish me, or vice versa, and the thought of a crush would never make me horny.

And so, while my SO has an adorable stiffy when he sees me, I lack the corresponding stirring in my loins when I see him, or think of him. My ego is pleased that I turn him on, but my lady parts can't seem to reciprocate with a physical response. I am generally a happy person with a positive self-image.

I am getting troubled that I am never sexually aroused by my guy, because right now my enthusiasm for sex is almost purely intellectual, and I know this isn't sustainable over the long run. I have already caught myself feeling, for fleeting instances, that sex is a chore mainly for his benefit, because I am never aching for sex with him. I always enthusiastically participate in sex because it's fun, but I don't feel 100% honest in my enthusiasm. Part of this is because our sex is not consistently physically pleasurable for me, but I already know what we have to work on in the physical stimulation department.

I want to be genuinely physically passionate in my relationship without faking it. But I don't actually sexually desire him. I don't physically desire anyone. Can I change this?

Some facts that may matter:
1. I was a very horny kid. But I never linked the itch in my nether regions to other people or romantic love or the act of sex. It was always just an itch I scratched for myself.

2. The two things that are sure-fire turnons for me are erotica and the fantasy of bondage. I am not sure I or my SO would be comfortable with the idea of trying bondage in real life, because I admit to feeling ashamed/weird for having this fetish, added to the fact that I am afraid he will lose respect or desire for me given he is not a natural dom.

I know how to turn myself on; how can I link that physical response to him, just like he has apparently very quickly conditioned himself to be physically and mentally turned on by me?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you have never felt any desire what so ever, is it possible that despite your interest in erotica and fantasy bondage, you are perhaps asexual? Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You | Asexuality Archive

Whatever the case may be, you really do need to be totally open and honest with your BF so that he can make an informed decision as to whether or not he is prepared to enter into a potentially sexless marriage with you. You might also consider discussing the matter with a sex therapist.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You indicate you have been intimate with your SO. On those instances how did you become aroused? 
If this is a serious relationship you need to be honest with him. 
You might be surprised. He may like the idea of tying you down and having his way with you. I like bondage but had no idea how my SO would feel about it. She took to it like a fish to water. We are now married and she happily lets me tie her down from time to time.


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Chrimatosa said:


> 2. The two things that are sure-fire turnons for me are erotica and the fantasy of bondage. I am not sure I or my SO would be comfortable with the idea of trying bondage in real life, *because I admit to feeling ashamed/weird for having this fetish, added to the fact that I am afraid he will lose respect or desire for me given he is not a natural dom*.
> 
> I know how to turn myself on; how can I link that physical response to him, just like he has apparently very quickly conditioned himself to be physically and mentally turned on by me?


To me, the bolded words from you are red flags that you may have shut other people out, which could be exactly the reason you haven't tied any of those sexual feelings to others - your own shame/guilt. Regardless of any benefit to your SO, you should work on this. Having fantasies like that are NOTHING to be ashamed of - and can if not already have cause significant sexual problems.

For direct feedback - my wife is into the exact same things, and I LOVE IT! Just like you, she can't seem to get into actually acting it out, but just sharing the fantasy side of it, and getting into just the fringe sections, is a deep bonding experience sexually. Open yourself up to your SO in this area, and you just might be able to attach that "sexy feeling" to him through sharing it with him.


----------



## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Chrimatosa, the fact that you are even asking this question demonstrates a level of self awareness that I think is rare among women who are headed towards marriage. I commend you for recognizing the magnitude of this problem.

Full disclosure: I was your SO 30 years ago. My then fiancée was where you are now (although probably without the bondage interest.) Her decision was to keep me in the dark regarding her lack of sexual interest in me because she thought that being honest with me would mean no marriage. The result has been a lifetime of poor sexual relations for both of us. Whatever you do now, don't do what she did!

As others have mentioned, I don't think your interest in bondage fantasy is all that unusual or shame worthy. You mention a fear that if you reveal this fetish your SO might lose desire for you. That statement indicates that on some level you realize how important it is to feel desired sexually by your life partner. How can you reconcile this understanding with your continuation of a sexual relationship with a man you don't desire yourself?

You say that you have never been attracted sexually to any man, and conclude that therefore you will never meet a man who will sexually excite you. You might be right or wrong about this. If a handsome, successful, dominant and skilled bondage dude appears in your life after you have married a man you are not sexually attracted to (and maybe have had children with), how do you think that might play out? Compare that to how things might go if you met such a man while single.

Going forward, I think it would be profoundly unethical to continue your relationship as it stands now, with you not desiring him but needing him to desire you. 

Still, your bondage interest may provide a way to address your original question about developing sexual feelings for your SO. If he can be encouraged to try fulfilling this fantasy, you may have an answer. I can tell you that if my wife was willing to be honest with me about her sexuality, I would try my best to meet her needs even if it would be a bit uncomfortable and weird to me. Perhaps your SO is the same.

If it fails, then you are both better off moving on.


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

Cosmos said:


> If you have never felt any desire what so ever, is it possible that despite your interest in erotica and fantasy bondage, you are perhaps asexual? Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You | Asexuality Archive
> 
> Whatever the case may be, you really do need to be totally open and honest with your BF so that he can make an informed decision as to whether or not he is prepared to enter into a potentially sexless marriage with you. You might also consider discussing the matter with a sex therapist.


Yes, I have considered the possibility that I'm asexual. But I wonder how much of sexual desire is learned through experience anyway, for some people, and I wonder if I just haven't had enough yet, enough to counter an almost lifetime of associating sexual desire/masturbation with shame, and being intimate as a female as being weak or again, kind of shameful. (I think this is unfortunately the case for at least some girls/women growing up: it's not possible for me to do an immediate 180 in terms of thoughts of sexuality and what it means. I'm there intellectually, just not physically.) 

I think perhaps it's important to stress that my SO is my first bf and sexual experience. I was very intellectual about sex in the beginning because I was a little nervous and afraid (he has had girlfriends before, and I was a virgin who had never had any physical contact with a guy). My way of countering fear is to break down a potentially fearful situation into logical steps, to observe everything kind of scientifically, and to learn it's not big deal and to let go. Maybe I still haven't fully let go yet? I enjoy sex with him, because I care about him, and I do find it fun and somewhat pleasureable (but we will have to start working clitoral stim regularly because that is currently not part of our routine, and thus I feel very little actual sexual pleasure during sex; it's all emotional. And I will be more clear about that with him because I think maybe he doesn't get it even though I've told him before I NEED the clit in the mix). I just want to figure out the best way to associate the flame or desire I know that I can have, with him and with sex with him.

I'm a little disappointed that an immediate assumption is I am potentially trying to rope this man into a sexless marriage, as though I lack desire on purpose and want to force him to marry me anyway. It wasn't immediately apparent to me upon becoming sexually active that this would be a potential issue (how many people openly talk about how much they *literally *desire someone as opposed to the lip service we pay to love and romance?), so I am now trying quickly to figure out if the issue is indeed something inevitable, or something we can work on together, just like any part of a healthy relationship. It's important to me that I express to him "I'm not sexually attracted to you" with a good reason and some things we can try; not just dump this on his lap for him to figure out alone. I'm the one lacking the targeted desire right now, and I want to do the research ahead of time as to why this might be; he can't do that for me. I find the idea of telling him something he's going to take like a personal failure when it isn't, to be very irresponsible, if I can't communicate exactly what the issue is. I don't want him jumping to the assumption that I've been dishonest about liking sex and getting into it with him. I do like sex, but now I know I lack one reason he has. I believe we share the others (because it's fun, because it's emotionally intimate, because erotic stimulation and orgasms feel great). I'm posting here asking for advice instead of lurking because I wanted to know if anyone has had experience in learning how to channel desire. 

I'd like to know, how long does it take for other women to go, "this is a very attractive person" to a PHYSICAL "yeah, I need to bang you" ache in the ladyparts. Are there other women who need some time, experience, and both physical and mental stimulation, to get be able to regularly call up that physical ache? (Esp if they also grew up relatively sexually naive.) Did anything you guys do help you let him become the object of your physical desire?



Maneo said:


> You indicate you have been intimate with your SO. On those instances how did you become aroused?
> If this is a serious relationship you need to be honest with him.
> You might be surprised. He may like the idea of tying you down and having his way with you. I like bondage but had no idea how my SO would feel about it. She took to it like a fish to water. We are now married and she happily lets me tie her down from time to time.


This is most definitely a serious relationship, and I have always been honest in how sex has been. Always fun. Usually enjoyable. Sometimes thrilling. Mentally satisfying after his O, physically satisfying after mine (always with a toy, we have not been able to figure out how to get me off with oral or manual with him). But sex is never fueled or initiated by me because I had a carnal ache to satisfy, at least not yet. I do initiate though, but mostly for him. Most recently, it felt like a tad of a chore because he's been lazier about foreplay and getting me off before/after himself. And maybe I just need to be more insistent on me having as much sensation and pleasure as he does each time, instead of just plain PIV with no clit involvement, which is usually what we do and is not intensely pleasureable (just vaguely so).

It's possible to be lubricated easily, but not "aroused aroused". As in that mentally-triggered, pounding, blood-in-the-lady-parts, mental-physical ache for release isn't there, but it's quite moist because of manual stimulation. 

I used to have the carnal ache ALL THE TIME which was quite annoying, but it wasn't associated with any person (and added to the feeling of shamefulness with sexual pleasure. I had no idea the ache and orgasms were supposed to be linked to sexual acts with men as I grew up. It was always a vaguely bad thing I did by myself. I even used to log when I masturbated because I was afraid I was going to make myself sick from it and wanted a record). However, I haven't had that constant ache for the last few years, including when we started dating and I became sexually active. This year, I get the ache only sometimes, but I didn't take the initiative to seek him out when I was horny, because I guess our sex doesn't always scratch the itch. Maybe I should try to always have sex, with clit stim, instead of masturbating when the urge arises, like men are counseled to do to fight PE. 

It has recently occurred to me that my going from HD (the desperate urges were almost every few hours as a youth) to probably what counts as LD now (once or twice a month) is something I should see a gyn about? 

I will sometimes get pretty aroused after sex (the strong itch/ache appears sometimes ~30 min after sex), but then we're already done and he's often asleep already and I don't want to disturb him. Which of course I know is probably going to morph into some kind of resentment in the future if we don't address this.

I have told him about my fetish before; while I say I'm ashamed, I know it's mostly in my head, because I feel awkward or strange letting go of myself to really consider doing it in the flesh. Which is what I also wonder might be at the root of not feeling sexually attracted to my SO as well; that I'm holding myself back. 

Barring the conclusion that I am just completely asexual, which I couldn't do anything about anyway if that's the case, is there anything we can do to increase my association of sex/good feelings/desire, with this person?


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

ET1SSJonota said:


> To me, the bolded words from you are red flags that you may have shut other people out, which could be exactly the reason you haven't tied any of those sexual feelings to others - your own shame/guilt. Regardless of any benefit to your SO, you should work on this. Having fantasies like that are NOTHING to be ashamed of - and can if not already have cause significant sexual problems.
> 
> For direct feedback - my wife is into the exact same things, and I LOVE IT! Just like you, she can't seem to get into actually acting it out, but just sharing the fantasy side of it, and getting into just the fringe sections, is a deep bonding experience sexually. Open yourself up to your SO in this area, and you just might be able to attach that "sexy feeling" to him through sharing it with him.


This is as Maneo suggested, and I agree it could be a route to relaxing about feeling like a sexual being myself, as well as seeing my SO as a desirable sexual being.

I think of the sexual urge and the sexual act in men and boys to be something very easily associated together; even if you grew up in a socially conservative home, once you start school, you probably learn quickly from your peers that it's expected for men to have sexual urges, and that women are the ideal answer to the relief of those urges, and that sex is gonna be the best thing ever.

Whereas for me, I was horny throughout grade school and college but never talked about it with anyone because my parents had made it clear it was something shameful, and my peers never discussed female physical urges as something great and worthy of discussion. Probably because some of them had the same assumptions; that it was something secret and vaguely bad. I took care of my urges in secret and in silence, because I grew up without the knowledge that it's not actually a big deal. I had never looked forward to a guy being associated with this urge and release because my parents also instilled in me that dating was out of the question, until after I graduate college. I'm not blaming my parents; I think they did an overall excellent job in raising a well-adjusted and self-aware woman in a crazy world, but I am trying to provide some sexual background. 

Intellectually I of course realized the reality of female sexuality as I got older, and I not ashamed of my urges, but maybe I do have to work on emotionally/physically reversing this attitude I grew up with. Which is what I'd love to find some tips on


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Chrimatosa said:


> I have already caught myself feeling, for fleeting instances, that sex is a chore mainly for his benefit, because I am never aching for sex with him. I always enthusiastically participate in sex because it's fun, but I don't feel 100% honest in my enthusiasm. Part of this is because our sex is not consistently physically pleasurable for me, but I already know what we have to work on in the physical stimulation department.


I know you've tried to explain as best you can, but I'm still a little confused because you don't answer the one question that I have. Do you ever just get horny?

I think you place way too much pressure on yourself, and think it's because you keep trying to make sexual correlations, some of which don't really exist, at least not usually for women.

You've noticed that your guy gets sexually excited when he sees you. Most men are that way, but women usually are not. Women are not sexually visual like men are, so you might relieve yourself of the pressure of thinking you're supposed to respond to the sight of him the way he responds to the sight of you.

Some of the things that turn women on are:

- when men express their alpha and beta male traits (authority, power, intellect, confidence, loving kindness, etc.)

- when we feel loved, desired, and safe. There are some women who fall in love just because the guy wants them and says he loves them and not necessarily because he did anything to earn or acquire her love. The turn on is the satisfaction of needing to be loved, or the turn on is the satisfaction of needing to be desired.

- when hormones dictate. Certain times throughout the month, and the time just before and during our monthlies are especially hormonal.

- when we think of previous sexually satisfying encounters. Remembering particularly good romps in the hay make us horny and wanting repeats.

Men sexually respond by sight, like you indicated your guy responds to the sight of you with an erection (inferred from your characterization), but women's triggers are not that instantaneous. I sexually respond when I see pornography, but I can't think of anything else that instantly makes me horny just by the sight. I think we we see things we like, such as certain characteristics (physical, mental, and emotional) that men have or that they display, so we respond with attraction, but we don't respond by instantly getting horny and wanting sex right then and there.

Referring to what I quoted from you, you say you participate "because it's fun" but do you orgasm with your partner? If your sessions are not consistantly pleasureable for you, the two of you need to do some exploring. He may want to research the female errogenous zones and how to stimulate them, and you may want to help him along the way. With one difference between men and women being that men are sexually visual beings, another difference is the satisfaction derived from penetration. With his main sensitive area being just beneath the tip of his p*nis, just the act of sex alone feels good to him. Women, on the otherhand are nothing like that since we have several different sensitive areas that need particular attention. It could be that he doesn't know HOW to use his tool and no matter his size, he can always learn ways to make love making more pleasurable for you.

Concerning the fetish you may have, you can come clean to tell him all about it and ask him to explore that with you, or you can ease into it in a manner that might prove more comfortable for each of you. It's been a long time since I read about it and no longer have a link, but I think it's called something like "gentle female dominance." It's not bondage or S&M per se, but it could help you both be better able to judge how you feel about switching typical gender roles with you becoming more domineering and him becoming subservient.

In the lifestyle of gentle female dominance, you, in kind and gentle manner, tell him what to do. You don't ask or say please, but just give him orders that are not phrased as requests. When he does it, then you don't say "thank you" but you do praise him for the good job he did and let him know how well he has pleased you.

Like I said, it's a lifestyle, so it's not practiced only in the bedroom but in your daily lives, which includes requesting he mop the kitchen floor as well as performing a sexual act. The longer you guys go on, the more domineering you can become to see how far you can go to test each other's comfort zones.

Incidentally, I mentioned this as being a means of possibly easing yourselves into your bondage fantasy, but that doesn't mean you guide him into it unbeknownst to him. You should discuss it first and ask him to try it with you to see if you both like it or not. You might begin the the discussion by asking him "How important is to you to please me?" From what I read long ago, it was surprising to learn how often men agreed and really liked it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chrimatosa,

You should not get married until you figure out if you are asexual or just have inhibitions that can be overcome.

Find a counselor who is also a sex therapist. by yourself. Have them help you sort this out. Only bring your SO into the counseling once you have done some work on the topic. You might find that you can work through this on your own with the counselor.

You said that you have sex but that often you don't get any satisfaction (or something like that). Why is this? Does your SO often make the sex just about him and his own needs?

If you cannot get to a point where you are aroused by your SO and have a desire for sex, do not marry him. It would be cruel for you to marry him and then sentence him to a life with a woman who has no desire for him.

You can find a man whose sex drive is more closely matched to yours.


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

Big Dude said:


> Chrimatosa, the fact that you are even asking this question demonstrates a level of self awareness that I think is rare among women who are headed towards marriage. I commend you for recognizing the magnitude of this problem.
> 
> Full disclosure: I was your SO 30 years ago. My then fiancée was where you are now (although probably without the bondage interest.) Her decision was to keep me in the dark regarding her lack of sexual interest in me because she thought that being honest with me would mean no marriage. The result has been a lifetime of poor sexual relations for both of us. Whatever you do now, don't do what she did!


Big Dude, I am self aware because I have actively sought out information during my relationship, which I think sadly many women are not privy to, or perhaps are not interested in. Part of my lack of linking sexual urges to the sexual act is partly the weird environment about female sexuality in which I was raised (at least in the US, that weird it's shameful-but-you-should-enjoy-being-sexual). My SO is my first bf and sexual experience, and I grew up emotionally separating sexual urges from the sexual act with men, probably something that is not uncommon with females. Now I want to actively shape and forge this link between my sexual urges and the sexual act with my SO.

My goal is not to rope this man into marriage for the sake of marriage. What good is a marriage when we aren't going to be happy? Other than the flame in sex, I believe we share the opinion that we are happier with each other than being single.

I've realized that perhaps the frequency of my sexual urges in the last few years is part of this issue, including when I've been dating him (my response to Cosmos and Maneo in which I discuss this is apparently awaiting admin approval). Aka I used to be super horny all the time growing up, but in the last few years haven't, and it was during this downswing in horniness that I started dating him and became sexually active. So maybe I'll first go see a gyn.



> As others have mentioned, I don't think your interest in bondage fantasy is all that unusual or shame worthy. You mention a fear that if you reveal this fetish your SO might lose desire for you. That statement indicates that on some level you realize how important it is to feel desired sexually by your life partner. How can you reconcile this understanding with your continuation of a sexual relationship with a man you don't desire yourself?


I'll work more on talking with him about my fetish, or perhaps maybe starting to rev myself up physically with my known turnons before we start getting frisky. I think maybe I just need to do that consciously a few times, and hopefully my body will learn the association automatically over time. 

I assume this is how most people learned to be sexually attracted to certain things growing up; they have a natural urge, and they learned to associate it with certain things for whatever reason. Otherwise, different people across history and time wouldn't have such a variation in what they find sexy (aka boobs vs butt vs stretched necks vs pierced labia vs broad chests vs large penises vs high heels vs tiny feet, etc etc etc).

I'm not trying to reconcile the fact that he desires me sexually and right now I don't desire him sexually but enjoy sex. It's certainly possible to enjoy sex without the initial carnal urge. But I'm concerned it might end up feeling like duty sex over the long run if I don't work on wanting him as much as he wants me. Because he's my first bf and my sexual experience is limited to him, perhaps I still need to undo my childhood dissociation of sexual urges with the sexual act.



> You say that you have never been attracted sexually to any man, and conclude that therefore you will never meet a man who will sexually excite you. You might be right or wrong about this. If a handsome, successful, dominant and skilled bondage dude appears in your life after you have married a man you are not sexually attracted to (and maybe have had children with), how do you think that might play out? Compare that to how things might go if you met such a man while single.
> 
> Going forward, I think it would be profoundly unethical to continue your relationship as it stands now, with you not desiring him but needing him to desire you.


I don't think I would ever get to know that a man was a skilled bondage dude after marriage, unless we joined a dungeon, maybe  I follow your point, but seeing as sexual attractiveness has never been much of a criteria for me to fall obsessively in love with someone (my love just doesn't include the loin burning but has everything else), I'm not sure this will be a problem. 

I also don't think, realistically speaking, that anyone should expect to wait until that "perfect" person comes into their life. We'll all be waiting forever, especially females, for a big, fat "IF", and that is profoundly unfair as well.

I don't *need*him to desire me, but he does. I want to desire him, but haven't desired anyone in the past, so it's new territory for me. What I want is overall for him to enjoy being with me as much as I enjoy being with him. Right now, he enjoys being with me with an extra flame I don't associate with him, which I want to figure out how to ignite. Is this unethical to you?


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

CarlaRose said:


> I know you've tried to explain as best you can, but I'm still a little confused because you don't answer the one question that I have. Do you ever just get horny?
> 
> I think you place way too much pressure on yourself, and think it's because you keep trying to make sexual correlations, some of which don't really exist, at least not usually for women.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your detailed reply. I agree with many of your statements about what many women find attractive. None of the men I've obsessed over in the past I found attractive until I got to know them, because it was their personality that drove me absolutely bugnuts and made me not able to stop thinking about them. They were "intellectually hot". I think physicality never crossed my mind because I had never expected a guy to satisfy my carnal urges, I always satisfied them myself, through clitoral stimulation only. I didn't even know where my vag was for the longest time, let alone in my wildest dreams think about putting anything inside something I didn't know I had.

I do get horny. Or at least, I used to be very horny all the time and have not been for the last few years, perhaps due to school stresses. I will plan to get checked out by a gyn to see if my hormone levels are at the root of this. I assumed this might be a normal part of getting older, but I'm still in my 20s so maybe this is not normal, when I used to have a crazy drive.

The other thing that could be playing a role is that yes, when we have sex, I don't feel much in the PIV act and must have clitoral stimulation, which I also realized only recently is completely normal. Would not have known just given what we hear about sex in our overall society. We have explored different things, including looking for my gspot without luck, but sex for us usually is some foreplay and kissing (but now maybe I realize our current foreplay is just not enough or right, and we should explore again). Then it's just straight up PIV with different positions, without clit stim. I get the sense that he felt a little hurt the few times I asked him to use his hand plus his tool, so I also have not pushed, or tried to use my own hand. So basically, while I do gain emotional pleasure from knowing I am building his feeling pleasure to the max, physically I am mostly just feeling some pressure and a low level of pleasure. So that contributes a bit to the slight resentment I get; maybe he's still being a little selfish without meaning to, and I just need to speak up and demand our pleasure during sex is more equal.

I only have one super pleasurable sexual encounter to reminisce on with him, and that included a toy, but I do get excited remembering how that felt. So maybe we should just repeat that more often...

I have fantasies of being a sub, like many women with bondage fetishes, not of being the dom. I don't think he is a natural dom, though. But again, I'll revisit the topic with him again.


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Chrimatosa,
> 
> You should not get married until you figure out if you are asexual or just have inhibitions that can be overcome.
> 
> ...


Oh boy a therapist. Well, I'll make a gyn trip first to eliminate any biological possibilities. I do not have any active trauma or emotional abuse, besides the sadly normal social double standards for women and sexuality that many girls grow up with (lady in public, tiger in the bedroom. It's hard for me to switch off the "lady", and although I have what used to be a ravenous tiger, she has not rawred much lately).

I think my SO is not being selfish on purpose, if it's that. He has tried oral and manual on me, but nothing ever comes of it, perhaps because both of us are kind of self conscious about it. I can't relax and he isn't particularly intuitive with his hands. It usually ends up him using a toy on me before sex, during which he loses his steam through concentration and can't continue onwards, or I wait until after for a toy, by which time he often has fallen asleep. I am considering that a toy for clit stim *during *sex might actually be what I need for both of us to build pleasure at the same time during sex. Do you think that would help build a memory of pleasurable physical feelings with sex with him, and fuel a desire for the next time?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chrimatosa said:


> Oh boy a therapist. Well, I'll make a gyn trip first to eliminate any biological possibilities. I do not have any active trauma or emotional abuse, besides the sadly normal social double standards for women and sexuality that many girls grow up with (lady in public, tiger in the bedroom. It's hard for me to switch off the "lady", and although I have what used to be a ravenous tiger, she has not rawred much lately).


This is an odd reaction. Seeing a sex counselor/therapist does not imply that you have experiences any kind of active trauma or emotional abuse.

What it would mean that you recognize that you are having some issues related to sex that you want help with. Sex therapists have all kinds of great ideas that could help you quite a bit.




Chrimatosa said:


> I think my SO is not being selfish on purpose, if it's that. He has tried oral and manual on me, but nothing ever comes of it, perhaps because both of us are kind of self conscious about it. I can't relax and he isn't particularly intuitive with his hands. It usually ends up him using a toy on me before sex, during which he loses his steam through concentration and can't continue onwards, or I wait until after for a toy, by which time he often has fallen asleep. I am considering that a toy for clit stim *during *sex might actually be what I need for both of us to build pleasure at the same time during sex. Do you think that would help build a memory of pleasurable physical feelings with sex with him, and fuel a desire for the next time?


It might help to build a memory of pleasurable things with him, or it could build memory of you going through motions to try to force something that is not there.

Sex with someone you love should not be this hard to work out. Something is wrong. My bet is that he's feeling awkward because you are not having normal reactions to him sexually. So he's just confused and getting more and more insecure. The more insecure he is, the worse this will get.

This is not a good relationship for you. It's definitely a bad match for him. If you marry him it will not take long for the marriage to disintegrate into a lot of emotional pain for both of you.


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is an odd reaction. Seeing a sex counselor/therapist does not imply that you have experiences any kind of active trauma or emotional abuse.
> 
> What it would mean that you recognize that you are having some issues related to sex that you want help with. Sex therapists have all kinds of great ideas that could help you quite a bit.
> 
> ...


It may be an odd reaction, I guess. I had always assumed therapy would not be needed if two people could tackle an issue together first.

Ok. So it is because I don't get off from PIV that I'm wrong for him? I thought that was kind of normal; PIV sex for him feels different than for me, biologically. I've never had any experience with sexual stimulation by anyone except myself until we started being sexual, so I was hoping for advice on how I can learn better ways of being stimulated here, rather than being told trying to work on this is a big mistake when our relationship is solid otherwise. Should I have magically gotten turned on by him having sex with me (a pretty foreign act up until a year ago) to know that he's going to be the right one for me and vice versa?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Chrimatosa said:


> It may be an odd reaction, I guess. I had always assumed therapy would not be needed if two people could tackle an issue together first.
> 
> Ok. So it is because I don't get off from PIV that I'm wrong for him? I've never had any experience with sexual stimulation by anyone except myself until we started being sexual. Should I have magically gotten turned on by him to know that he's going to be the right one for me and vice versa?


No, it is the fact that you don't feel any sexual attraction to him... If that sexual chemistry isn't there, you're not going to desire sex with him, and sooner or later he's going to know this and be hurt by it.


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Chrimatosa said:


> It may be an odd reaction, I guess. I had always assumed therapy would not be needed if two people could tackle an issue together first.
> 
> Ok. So it is because I don't get off from PIV that I'm wrong for him? I thought that was kind of normal; PIV sex for him feels different than for me, biologically. I've never had any experience with sexual stimulation by anyone except myself until we started being sexual, so I was hoping for advice on how I can learn better ways of being stimulated here, rather than being told trying to work on this is a big mistake when our relationship is solid otherwise. Should I have magically gotten turned on by him having sex with me (a pretty foreign act up until a year ago) to know that he's going to be the right one for me and vice versa?


With one of my bfs it took a year before it was full on amazing...most of the time it takes a while to get really good...how long have you guys been together? Howlong have you guys been having sex for? Was he a virgin as well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

My best advice is the better it gets the more you will want it and him.... the poster up eariler is correct that women take time to warm up, its not a visual thing like it is for guys... 


A lot of women cant orgasm from straight PIV...if it takes toys to have a memorable experience, do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Chrimatosa said:


> My goal is not to rope this man into marriage for the sake of marriage. What good is a marriage when we aren't going to be happy? Other than the flame in sex, I believe we share the opinion that we are happier with each other than being single.
> 
> *My wife thought the same thing. The logical flaw here is you leave out the option of both of you being with other partners that are more sexually compatible for each of you. Since my wife loved and respected me, she figured that she could provide a kind of enlightened duty sex to keep the marriage healthy. She was wrong. In your original post you question your ability to sustain a satisfying sex life under your circumstances. You are right to do that.*
> 
> ...


*If you are indeed able to find a real sexual attraction to your SO (and I hope that you do!) then there is no ethical issue. If you marry in the hope that you will eventually find this spark somewhere down the road - without being 100% forthcoming with him about your lack of sexual desire - then you are taking away his agency to decide what is best for him for a lifetime. That is using another human being for your own ends, and even if the intended end is laudable (a good marriage for both of you) it is unethical by almost every system known to history.

Chrimatosa, I really do admire you because of what you are trying to accomplish. You should consider that I comment as I do because I perceive an eerie similarity between your reasoning and that of my wife. Let me leave you with one last thought.

I still vividly remember my wedding day. My beautiful bride smiling up at me and saying "I do." I had no idea at that time that a woman might want to marry a man she was not sexually attracted to. I know better now, but at the time the prospect of forsaking all others seemed easy. Looking back, I am ashamed every day of my life at my naivety. Don't put your man in that spot.*


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chrimatosa said:


> It may be an odd reaction, I guess. I had always assumed therapy would not be needed if two people could tackle an issue together first.


Therapy/counseling can also be used as a way to learn things. Finding someone who had knowledge and skills to pass on to you is a wise approach. It beats floundering for a long time on your own.


Chrimatosa said:


> Ok. So it is because I don't get off from PIV that I'm wrong for him? I thought that was kind of normal; PIV sex for him feels different than for me, biologically.


Most women cannot orgasm from PIV alone. But most get a whole lot out of it, so much so that it’s not optional. 


Chrimatosa said:


> I am getting troubled that I am never sexually aroused by my guy, because right now my enthusiasm for sex is almost purely intellectual, and I know this isn't sustainable over the long run.


Your words above and many more in your OP are why I believe that your SO is not a good match for you. You are in a relationship in which you have no sexual passion for him. This is not good.

What you describe as your issues with desire and sex go far beyond PIV. You said that you do not get aroused. That’s a problem. Most women do feel arousal. When I’m with a guy who I am attracted to I get aroused sexually just seeing him. Even more when I hear his voice. This is no uncommon in women.



Chrimatosa said:


> I've never had any experience with sexual stimulation by anyone except myself until we started being sexual,


Well that’s pretty normal. I did not have experience with sexual stimulation by anyone except myself until the first time I did as well. Isn’t that how it works? I was in my early 20’s. What I experience was a strong reaction of desire and arousal. From the first time forward it just got to be stronger.


Chrimatosa said:


> so I was hoping for advice on how I can learn better ways of being stimulated here,


You did not advice on how to learn better ways of being stimulated. See your baseline reaction to being sexual with him is problematic. There is something missing. Either he’s not a good match for you, you are asexual (asexual people can have sex but their desire is low. Read up on it. It might fit.), or you have some kind of a wall up that prevents you from allowing yourself to be aroused and feel strong sexual desire. Seeing a sex therapist can help you figure all this out. I do know that sex therapists have a lot of techniques that they can teach you. Surely it cannot hurt to explore this.

There are a lot of good books out there that can help you as well. There are not a lot of people here who have the knowledge to help you. 

I’m not sure why you take offense at advice that can really help you. 


Chrimatosa said:


> rather than being told trying to work on this is a big mistake when our relationship is solid otherwise.


No one is saying that working on this is a mistake. People, myself included have suggested things to do. What is being said is that if it turns out that you have some reason for not being able to respond to your SO with real sexual passion then he has to know this. He has to know what it will mean to him in years to come. Read the threads here written by people, men and women, who marriage someone who had a low or no sex drive. It usually ends very badly with the higher drive spouse completely emotionally devastated.

If you cannot increase your sex drive and find a way to be sexually passionate with him, you have to tell him, he has the right to know and to make his own decision about whether or not this is the kind of sex life he wants.

I hope that the only thing you are dealing with is getting used to sex and some nonsense your parents (and others) put in your head. Since you say he’s a great guy I hope this works out. That’s why I’m giving you the best advice I know of. 


Chrimatosa said:


> Should I have magically gotten turned on by him having sex with me (a pretty foreign act up until a year ago) to know that he's going to be the right one for me and vice versa?


Many, if not, most women are magically turned on by having sex with their lover/SO even the first time. If you had some reservations at first then after a year, it should be happening every time you two have sex. This is the honeymoon time of your relationship.

Your sexual desire for him is not very likely to increase over time. The only hope you have of this is for you to actively seek out help. Going to the doc is step number one. After you find out whether or not your hormones are off, the sex therapist is your next step. That’s my opinion of course.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Big Dude said:


> *If you are indeed able to find a real sexual attraction to your SO (and I hope that you do!) then there is no ethical issue. If you marry in the hope that you will eventually find this spark somewhere down the road - without being 100% forthcoming with him about your lack of sexual desire - then you are taking away his agency to decide what is best for him for a lifetime. That is using another human being for your own ends, and even if the intended end is laudable (a good marriage for both of you) it is unethical by almost every system known to history.
> 
> Chrimatosa, I really do admire you because of what you are trying to accomplish. You should consider that I comment as I do because I perceive an eerie similarity between your reasoning and that of my wife. Let me leave you with one last thought.
> 
> I still vividly remember my wedding day. My beautiful bride smiling up at me and saying "I do." I had no idea at that time that a woman might want to marry a man she was not sexually attracted to. I know better now, but at the time the prospect of forsaking all others seemed easy. Looking back, I am ashamed every day of my life at my naivety. Don't put your man in that spot.*


:iagree: This is a powerful post. I married a man who did the same thing to me. 

I'm sure that your wife entered your marriage innocently not realizing what she was doing. There were probably even people telling her that it would all work out. Seriously mismatched libidos seldom work out in marriage. It causes profound pain to the spouse who has the higher libido.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP I just want to say kudos for trying to find answers.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> My best advice is the better it gets the more you will want it and him.... the poster up eariler is correct that women take time to warm up, its not a visual thing like it is for guys...


Please do not talk for all women. Not all women take time to warm up to sex. A lot don't.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Please do not talk for all women. Not all women take time to warm up to sex. A lot don't.


He's speaking the truth ...sex its not as visual for women on average..and many do appreciate foreplay...quit being so defensive of women he wasn't talking about you rather women in general.

Google it if you don't believe it on average.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> He's speaking the truth ...sex its not as visual for women on average..and many do appreciate foreplay...quit being so defensive of women he wasn't talking about you rather women in general.
> 
> Google it if you don't believe it on average.



Average means that at about half of the women are visual and half are not. 

Perhaps you could stop trying to tell women what we feel. 

Please leave me alone. Stop posting to me.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Chrimatosa-

I can almost copy and paste BigDudes posts.

My wife was the same as you. She was a virgin at 25, never pleasured herself, and never had a LTR before I came along... Her family had her convinced somehow that sex was dirty...

I know she was attracted to me...I think she was....but sex was never on her mind.

I knew this about her, but I always hoped it would improve over time and with practice...22 years later, that desire is still not there... Now, we do have sex more than 2X a week, I feel the resentment build...We don't talk about it, but it's there... 

Our friendship/companionship worked for a long time because for 17 years, I never pushed the sex. Recently, I started to be more assertive with sex...it went from 3X a month to 10X month.

Part of me thought we were better as a couple than we would be apart...I think you said that as well...

I don't know what I would have done if I knew that after all these years, sex would still be an issue...I just know it has caused so much resentments from both of us...All of which can never be repaired.

Read on Asexual like elegirl said...


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For myself, I am very visually stimulated. So if I see a hot woman, that turns me on fast. I don't have to smell, touch feel or hear her, only see her. I am primarily visual.

I would say the ladies need some stimulating and romance to get them warmed up. Not all mind you, but most.

For me, its BAM. I need no 30 minutes of foreplay. In fact, I like it but I also find it annoying.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Average means that at about half of the women are visual and half are not.
> 
> Perhaps you could stop trying to tell women what we feel.
> 
> Please leave me alone. Stop posting to me.


Its an open forum and when I disagree with what you say I will post to help the OP conversely if I agree will I will support you.

I'm not going to avoid you or threads just because you don't agree with my opinion or disagree especially when my response is fact based

And believe me I won't purposely seek you out and you must accept people do have different views.

There is an ignore feature you know and I respond to anyone I want on any subject..I don't look to see if its you.

If I violate terms of TAM report me


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Its an open forum and when I disagree with what you say I will post to help the OP conversely if I agree will support you.
> 
> I'm not going to avoid you or threads just because you don't agree with my opinion.
> 
> And believe me I won't purposely seek you out and you must accept people do have different views.


I accept that people have different views. 

Apparently you do not accept that I have views different than yours because you seem to have a great need to post things telling me to basically shut up as you did your post to me a few above.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I accept that people have different views.
> 
> Apparently you do not accept that I have views different than yours because you seem to have a great need to post things telling me to basically shut up as you did your post to me a few above.


I pointed out what many women feel in regards to sex based on over four years of research, you are the one who basically negated the previous posters correct comment...in a fairly rude fashion. so I lent a supporting opinion..if you feel attacked that's on you not me.

keep in mind we are both here because we both uniquely have experience to share even if we come from different angles and are of different genders, again if I violate terms turn me in if you feel the need to do so.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Chrimatosa-
> 
> I can almost copy and paste BigDudes posts.
> 
> ...


So your wife just may be asexual? Did going from 3x a month to 10x a month feel better to you, or did you feel like the additional sessions were degrading you even more?


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Here are two of your biggest problems right here:



Chrimatosa said:


> So it is because I don't get off from PIV that I'm wrong for him? I thought that was kind of normal; PIV sex for him feels different than for me, biologically. I've never had any experience with sexual stimulation by anyone except myself until we started being sexual, so I was hoping for advice on how I can learn better ways of being stimulated here, rather than being told trying to work on this is a big mistake when our relationship is solid otherwise. Should I have magically gotten turned on by him having sex with me (a pretty foreign act up until a year ago) to know that he's going to be the right one for me and vice versa?


The first is thinking it's normal that women don't get off with intercourse. Well, unfortunately a lot of people think that. It probably still feels good though even if they don't get off. But, my point is 2-fold to say that you, and many others, think it's normal, but that's only based on the fact that they DON't, which is very different from not being able to. Because they don't, they think they can't and rely, like you, completely on clitoris stimulation. 

I mentioned before about your erogenous zones because those are the keys. Some (the A-spot for one) are located deeper inside your vagina than the size of some men can reach, but others (the G-spot for one) are much closer and more easily accessible, so the size of all men can reach it. Those are 3 erogenous zones (G-spot, A-spot, and clitoris), but there are more. For example, have you discovered yet that you can orgasm by stimulating the area between the clitoris and vaginal opening? The full length of the shaft area is very sensitive and there are two hot spots (directly beneath the clit and right before the vag) that will blow your mind when treated right.

So, there's lots to discover and I brought those up in hopes of helping you increase your sexual experience with your guy, as well as to point out the second problem you and he are having, which is to say you are with a man who appears, at least nearly, as inexperienced as you are. You said something to effect that the two of you were unsuccessful in locating your G-spot. But, it's not a needle in a haystack and not difficult to find. It might be difficult for YOU to search for, but shouldn't be difficult for him. Either he doesn't know what he's looking for (which is his inexperience), or he doesn't know what to do with it once it's found, which also is his experience.

I think most of your responses are directed at making you responsible for the sexual relationship or lack of sexual attraction, but I think they are being unfair to you. Their mistake is projecting onto you either what they, themselves, suffer (a sexless marriage) or what they read here very often (sexless marriages due to opposite drives, high- and low-libido partners). Because you are inexperienced, you don't have anything to compare him to, so you have no idea that the answer(s) you're seeking are not possible since sexual attraction cannot be willed or trained, and there's nothing you can do to MAKE yourself want him in bed. For a woman, sexual attraction, as I mentioned before, comes from enjoyable sex. If you don't enjoy it, you don't want to be bothered, and that is what happens to a lot of women. It doesn't mean they don't love their husband and don't deserve to be married. It means they don't get out of sex what is required to make them want more. And, that goes beyond orgasm. Some people think that because he goes down on her and she does have an orgasm then his job is for her sake is done, so she must be asexual or low libido. I can't argue that might apply to some but certainly not all and not even a whole lot.

Someone as inexperienced as you are have fallen into the same mindset that a lot of women fall into. You think you can only orgasm by clitoris stimulation, so the rest (intercourse) is lackluster and not giving you the satisfaction you need. You don't know that ALL of it can feel good the entire time and bring you to orgasm every time. You even referred to intercourse (PIV) as "fun" but that is not a characterization I've ever heard when it comes to sex. It's not a day at an amusement park or a game of Twister. Sex is/feels GOOOOD! Or, at least it should.

You are clearly an educated and analytical woman, so I don't believe people are reading you right. You're not asexual, you don't need therapy, and you surely don't need to consider telling him that he's in for a lifetime of sexual non-existence. Your problem is neither you nor your guy really know what you're doing. That's not a terrible thing. It actually COULD mean a lifetime of mind-blowing sex for both of you if you explore and discover each other. Sex can become something you look forward to and and really WANT to do (that's what sexual attraction is), rather than something you're doing because he wants to nor because you consider it a fun pastime. You're already becoming bored with it, and that is WHY you think there's something wrong with you or that there's something you're not doing properly. That is WHY you came here. And, consider the possibility that not being as horny as you used to be just might be attributed to discovering - now that you are sexually active - that sex isn't what you hoped or thought it was all cracked up to be. That drives my point that your guy is equally inexperienced. Even if he's had other partners before you, he never really learned how to please a woman except to maybe go down on her. And that's another trap. A lot of people feel that once a woman cums by oral stimulation, the rest (intercourse) is for him, but she (and you) should be enjoying that part too, which, again, is the reason a lot of women just give up but never come clean with their husband. Unfortuantely, a lot of women can't come clean because they're in the same boat you are in.

You're right to have your doctor check you out to make sure your hormones are not off balance. In the meantime, try this position: Have him straddle you with your legs on his shoulders. Once he inserts, he cannot try to penetrate deeply but only about 1 or 2 inches, while trying to aim upward. He'll hit (not gently but not banging) onto your G-spot and drive you nuts. He can do rapid thrusts or he can apply pressure by holding for a few seconds and releasing. After a few times, he can gradually go faster. I, personally, enjoy pressing and releasing the most because it really builds passion.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

CarlaRose said:


> Here are two of your biggest problems right here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Great post. i'm sure this is part of the problem many men have with PIV and in turn how women on average view sex


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Lots of words have more than one meaning and are only limited in scope by the interpreter. The word average not only means half or some median point. It also means typical. And before I'm drug into an argument, let me explain that typical doesn't apply to every woman. In terms and explanations, it refers to the majority consensus/populous, or usually/commonly occuring.


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Great post. i'm sure this is part of the problem many men have with PIV and in turn how women on average view sex


Thanks and yes, I don't doubt it. In fact, I'm sure of it because it was me until I left my marriage to a man I wasn't sexually attracted to. It wasn't until later and I became more experienced that I realized our problem was that we were both young and inexperienced. We were only teenagers, I was his first and he was my second. We knew nothing. In his defense, I have to say he tried very hard and would stop at nothing to please me. Neither of us really knew what that was though.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would tell me what you enjoy. He will either be able to make this a part perhaps not the sole part or if he is offended perhaps it was not meant to be.


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

Well TAM, I confirmed one thing: I'm not asexual because as I was thinking about your range of comments, and about particular acts with my SO, I got pretty turned on. Reliving the two instances that I remember were amazingly pleasurable...did kickstart the ladyparts. And made me want to do stuff with him right then, though unfortunately he's not available (he's away for work).

So.

From this, I realized that once we finish with sex, I don't really think about what we did and how it felt, because I shut away my "bedroom" self and return to my "public" self, and that's that. So I think one easy thing I can do to recondition myself to connect sexual desire with sex, is to not hide away my bedroom self, and regularly revisit bedroom memories. And it does seem it would help me a lot to have more mind-blowing moments to reflect on. And we can definitely work on that.



Big Dude said:


> *If you are indeed able to find a real sexual attraction to your SO (and I hope that you do!) then there is no ethical issue. If you marry in the hope that you will eventually find this spark somewhere down the road - without being 100% forthcoming with him about your lack of sexual desire - then you are taking away his agency to decide what is best for him for a lifetime. That is using another human being for your own ends, and even if the intended end is laudable (a good marriage for both of you) it is unethical by almost every system known to history.
> 
> Chrimatosa, I really do admire you because of what you are trying to accomplish. You should consider that I comment as I do because I perceive an eerie similarity between your reasoning and that of my wife. Let me leave you with one last thought.
> 
> I still vividly remember my wedding day. My beautiful bride smiling up at me and saying "I do." I had no idea at that time that a woman might want to marry a man she was not sexually attracted to. I know better now, but at the time the prospect of forsaking all others seemed easy. Looking back, I am ashamed every day of my life at my naivety. Don't put your man in that spot.*


Thank you for your perspective; I do appreciate it. This is why I'm here, trying to organize my thoughts and see if there's something I'm missing, before I hurt both of us by saying something that I didn't think through fully first, whether that is "I do", or "I can't feel sexual desire for you, no matter what I've tried." I haven't brought it up with him yet in terms of having no sexual interest in him, because my gut suspicion is that this might not be the case. I think I need more time, more stimuli, and to relax more, probably. Also, I feel that telling him this when I'm not sure it's true may actually become a horrifying self-fulling prophecy, where he loses confidence in the bedroom, which wouldn't help me or him.

I think I am capable of developing, and learning to target, my sexual desire for my guy. Crudely speaking, I need some Pavlovian conditioning. Where the stimulus needs to be stronger and irresistibly more positive.

Given that I just turned myself on thinking about our last great encounter, if I was having my talk with him right now, it would be, "Baby, I want this week's sexytimes to be so awesome that I'll be reliving them for the rest of the month. Can we try 1,2 and 3 tonight?" I would hypothesize that if we made these encounters physically feel absolutely amazing, then I made a point to relive them in my head, that would start a positive cycle that would begin redirecting my carnal desires towards him specifically. Because now he is the one giving me all the amazing feelings, and if they're amazing, I'm pretty sure I'd want more!



EleGirl said:


> I hope that the only thing you are dealing with is getting used to sex and some nonsense your parents (and others) put in your head. Since you say he’s a great guy I hope this works out. That’s why I’m giving you the best advice I know of.
> 
> Many, if not, most women are magically turned on by having sex with their lover/SO even the first time. If you had some reservations at first then after a year, it should be happening every time you two have sex. This is the honeymoon time of your relationship.


Thanks for your thoughts! I think it's mainly the nonsense, but even though I know it's nonsense, it's taking me more effort than I'd like to undo. 

My defensiveness might have gotten in the way of the point I was trying to make which was, yes, I recognize that women are "supposed" to be turned on by their guys, like my guy is turned on by me. But are there other women who are *not *magically turned on by their lover, or by a hot guy (or girl), just because they are attracted to them otherwise? Am I weird and messed up, or do some women just need more time and effort? Once I can get enough evidence and signs one way or the other, then I will know the right thing to do. For now, I think the right thing to do is first address the possibility that my normal baseline libido has dipped low in the last few years (before I had even met him) due to hormones, and then for both of us to work on making sex feel routinely awesome for me.

I know I should read more, and will!



Trying2figureitout said:


> He's speaking the truth ...sex its not as visual for women on average..and many do appreciate foreplay...quit being so defensive of women he wasn't talking about you rather women in general.
> 
> Google it if you don't believe it on average.


I am definitely not aroused due to just seeing my SO. But maybe I'm forgetting that he might also be actively thinking about sexy things while looking, whereas I rarely do. Time to change that...


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I still feel that it might benefit you to have a chat with a sex therapist.

By the way, asexuality does not mean lack of arousal but rather lack of desire.


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

CarlaRose, thanks so much for your detailed response.


CarlaRose said:


> Here are two of your biggest problems right here:
> 
> The first is thinking it's normal that women don't get off with intercourse....For example, have you discovered yet that you can orgasm by stimulating the area between the clitoris and vaginal opening? The full length of the shaft area is very sensitive and there are two hot spots (directly beneath the clit and right before the vag) that will blow your mind when treated right.


That is intriguing! He and I definitely haven't tried touching everything, and I was never sure what I was supposed to be feeling. I'll definitely have us revisit my anatomy.



> You said something to effect that the two of you were unsuccessful in locating your G-spot. But, it's not a needle in a haystack and not difficult to find. It might be difficult for YOU to search for, but shouldn't be difficult for him. Either he doesn't know what he's looking for (which is his inexperience), or he doesn't know what to do with it once it's found, which also is his experience.


He says he thinks he found it. But I didn't experience any sensation different than pressure. That was also in the very beginning of our sexual adventures, before first penetration; since then I haven't asked him to reexplore, because it was painful at the time. But maybe it's time now to try again...and I'll try to read more about what to do. He and I just know it's a "come hither" motion, but since I didn't really feel anything in particular, we had given up.



> If you don't enjoy it, you don't want to be bothered, and that is what happens to a lot of women. It doesn't mean they don't love their husband and don't deserve to be married. It means they don't get out of sex what is required to make them want more.


This is exactly what I felt with the vague resentment, and was alarmed that I felt this way. For the most part, sex was something he enjoyed so much that I would initiate so he could have that enjoyment, but in return all I felt was pressure and a dull pleasure that didn't go anywhere. And this pattern was starting to wear on my good spirit a little.



> You don't know that ALL of it can feel good the entire time and bring you to orgasm every time.


I don't. I sure don't indeed. My vag right now is something that feels stretching and pressure at the mouth and almost nothing else inside. (And pain at the cervix if its gets banged in certain positions.) Are there any reputable online resources I should read to educate myself better about what exactly I could or should be feeling instead of just vague pressure, and what I should try? Do I need to create more friction to get more sensation? We also always use condoms, which may or may not matter when it comes to my sensation.



> You even referred to intercourse (PIV) as "fun" but that is not a characterization I've ever heard when it comes to sex. It's not a day at an amusement park or a game of Twister. Sex is/feels GOOOOD! Or, at least it should.


Well, right now that's the honest word I would use. It really is like a game of Twister where I feel a little silly, enjoy the body contact, and get a little squashed. Right now, it doesn't feel GOOD unless I get a vibe involved. But then it feels REAL GOOD, and I feel every motion he makes. Aaaand I'm on again, heh. 



> It actually COULD mean a lifetime of mind-blowing sex for both of you if you explore and discover each other. Sex can become something you look forward to and and really WANT to do (that's what sexual attraction is), rather than something you're doing because he wants to nor because you consider it a fun pastime.


:smthumbup: This is exactly what I'm hoping for. 



> You're already becoming bored with it, and that is WHY you think there's something wrong with you or that there's something you're not doing properly. That is WHY you came here.


100% correct.



> And, consider the possibility that not being as horny as you used to be just might be attributed to discovering - now that you are sexually active - that sex isn't what you hoped or thought it was all cracked up to be.


I haven't considered this, because my libido dropped noticeably maybe two years before I ever met him and started being sexually active. I see your point, but I think disappointment in sex itself isn't the reason, at least not yet 



> You're right to have your doctor check you out to make sure your hormones are not off balance. In the meantime, try this position: Have him straddle you with your legs on his shoulders. Once he inserts, he cannot try to penetrate deeply but only about 1 or 2 inches, while trying to aim upward. He'll hit (not gently but not banging) onto your G-spot and drive you nuts. He can do rapid thrusts or he can apply pressure by holding for a few seconds and releasing. After a few times, he can gradually go faster. I, personally, enjoy pressing and releasing the most because it really builds passion.


Thank you for the advice! When we have the chance to be together again, we will definitely give this a try. If there are other materials that would be helpful to read or consider, please send recommendations my way!


----------



## Chrimatosa (Jul 6, 2014)

Cosmos said:


> OP, I still feel that it might benefit you to have a chat with a sex therapist.
> 
> By the way, asexuality does not mean lack of arousal but rather lack of desire.


I will definitely consider it if there are no improvements in my mentality. 

In all seriousness, let me define what I mean by desire and arousal, so we're all operating on the same assumptions... 

From what I understand, arousal is autonomous and mechanically physical: changes in blood flow, nerve sensitivity, brain activity, that prepare the body for sexual contact. One can be physically aroused, but not mentally report desire (if I remember correctly, women looking at monkeys mating get physically lubricated, but definitely do not report feeling mentally "turned on"). Arousal and desire can happen in any order due to different triggers, physical and non-physical.

To me, desire at the core is the mental compatriot of arousal. It's the urge to perform some behavior that would address the physical arousal and carry it through to climax and release. 

I think if I was not sexual at all, I could have physical arousal, but my brain would not be hollering constantly to go do something about it. I have experienced this mental pestering in relation to being generally horny, and it is pretty much guaranteed to happen if I expose myself to my instant turn-ons. So I would say I do not have a lack of sexual desire per se. It's just that no specific people have ever been the trigger of my desire; only abstract concepts and photos. But now I'm aiming to add my SO as a trigger, because I've come to realize I am a trigger for him, and if I don't at least share some desire-by-association, I'll be dooming both him and me to duty sex.

What I consider key in all this is that, based on the vast range of things that turn people on, the object of desire is capable of being shaped through learning. What behavior and stimulus are linked to an individual's desire can be changed based on personal history, current context, reward or punishment, etc.

Now, I may have just completely mangled the official definitions of arousal and desire. But hopefully this at least helps to clarify my position and what I'm trying to do. I can get aroused. I do have sexual desire (though my natural frequency of unprovoked urges have been lower than in my childhood). I just need to lead what desire I do have to my SO, or maybe more accurately, actively include him, because for whatever reason, my subconscious is not doing it by itself, leaving my conscious mind to post here


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Please do not talk for all women. Not all women take time to warm up to sex. A lot don't.


I didnt talk for all women, I was speaking for myself and what worked for me....

She asked for suggestions so I was trying to give her one...

Sorry I bothered, clearly I must be in the wrong to tell her my experience
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> He's speaking the truth ...sex its not as visual for women on average..and many do appreciate foreplay...quit being so defensive of women he wasn't talking about you rather women in general.
> 
> Google it if you don't believe it on average.


Im a she...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Well Chrimatosa, you certainly fired up quite the little thread here. 
You seem to have a significant intellectual approach to things which brings out responses in kind. 
Don't get me wrong - not a bad thing, brains and thinking, but it can get in the way of more direct physical, and in this instance, erotic activity. 
My advice after all the heady discussion is to open up to your man about your desires and even consider - with proper precaution - if he is inclined, to try a bit of bondage play. 
The pop psychology reasoning goes something like this : if there are inhibitions lurking in wings about sex being restrained can mentally release you from feeling you have to stay within the inhibitions since the bondage takes some degree of control out of your hands and you can let yourself go and fully immerse yourself in the erotic moment. 
Plus, if you are a thinking woman whose mind is always hard at work - and you seem to be (again not a bad thing at all except when you want to turn off the thinking for a physical encounter) being tied and having your lover find and explore all your erotic hot spots...well that tends to quiet the grey matter and turn up the libido. 
Interesting thread. Good luck.


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I want to say something constructive right now, but all I can think is how much I wish your first experience were different for you. Alas, it's rather typical. I'm sure you saw my last response where I mentioned my ex husband. He wasn't my first. He was my second, but my FIRST experience was only that one time. It was a guy probably 7 or 8 years older than me and while there were no particular gymnastics, I enjoyed it so much more than the 2 years I was with my husband. Like you, I knew something was missing, and, like you, I didn't know what that was. I only knew I was missing it. I only knew there just HAD to be more about sexual pleasure than this. I didn't even know anything about what to explore or what to do differently. I just thought things weren't working out with him. I didn't know they COULD work out. So, I didn't have much respect for him and wanted to get away, unlike a lot of women who want to keep the man/marriage but know they don't want to be bothered with the sex end of things because they don't get enough out of it. I couldn't live with feeling like sexual pleasure was just for him and the purpose of my birth was to "just let him do his business" (as Celie said it in The Color Purple).

So, let me see if I can help.



Chrimatosa said:


> CarlaRose, thanks so much for your detailed response. That is intriguing! He and I definitely haven't tried touching everything, and I was never sure what I was supposed to be feeling. I'll definitely have us revisit my anatomy.


It's not always easy for a guy to fondle the clitoris to orgasm because that little button moves around a lot and there's really no way to hold it in place. Because he can't possibly know exactly when he's lost the perfect spot that excites a woman the most, I was dating a one guy who knew to circumvent the clitoris while engaging it at the same time. We were driving, and I pulled into a park just for us to talk and spend time together before I had to go to work. He got frisky and reached into my pants and started playing. He never actually touched the top of my clit nor right onto it, but right there under it, which is still the clit but not directly, and just kept wiggling his fingers right there applying a little pressure. I was SCREEEAMING in ecstacy and didn't even know it, and then SCREEEEEEAAAAMED out my orgasm. It wasn't until after that EXPLOSIVE orgasm that I heard myself screaming (retroactively heard myself) and couldn't believe I had done that. That, of course, was while I was dizzily pulling half my body from the back seat of the car to reposition back into the driver's seat. Nope, I had no idea how on earth I got into the back seat either LOL. I certainly made sure that was NOT the last time THAT happened. Talk about sexual attraction.



Chrimatosa said:


> He says he thinks he found it. But I didn't experience any sensation different than pressure. That was also in the very beginning of our sexual adventures, before first penetration; since then I haven't asked him to reexplore, because it was painful at the time. But maybe it's time now to try again...and I'll try to read more about what to do. He and I just know it's a "come hither" motion, but since I didn't really feel anything in particular, we had given up.


You keep confirming what I said that he isn't experienced either. I want to ask you not to let him off the hook and let him know you expect your sexual pleasure and satisfaction to be as much his concern and responsibility as it is your own. If at first he doesn't succeed, then try something different the next time. He has to find out and figure things out too. It is lazy and irresponsible of him to give up. Let him know you will not live as his receptacle.



Chrimatosa said:


> I don't. I sure don't indeed. My vag right now is something that feels stretching and pressure at the mouth and almost nothing else inside. (And pain at the cervix if its gets banged in certain positions.) Are there any reputable online resources I should read to educate myself better about what exactly I could or should be feeling instead of just vague pressure, and what I should try? Do I need to create more friction to get more sensation? We also always use condoms, which may or may not matter when it comes to my sensation.


I like the word "yoni" instead of "vag" so you'll know what I'm referring to. I want you to know a couple things. One is that it's really weird how a woman's body shifts. Sometimes, it can seem like things inside are in a different place from one love making session to another. There are times that you feel him and times you don't feel much or it may be painful, like you said in certain positions, but wasn't painful in that same position before. It's just weird how hormonal shifts seem to also cause shifts in organs and muscles. Try to imagine the bloating that occurs that time of month. It's similar to that but inside your yoni whether it's that time of month or not. So, there may be a little pain sometimes. Just reposition. But if he is causing pain by "banging," you must make him stop and I hope you do. A lot of women don't because they're afraid to speak up for fear their complaint will interfere with his pleasure, but your body is not your sacrifice to him, and neither is your pleasure.

I don't know if he has convinced you of any particular sexual prowess on his part but knowing how some men like to boast of their conquests, I'm thinking he probably has lead you, however subtly, to believe him experienced. It doesn't matter how many women he's been with. What matters is he hasn't learned and isn't skilled. There are some things you can and should teach him, such as how to treat you, what you do and don't like. No doubt you've done some of that, and he should be agreeable to your requests. And, I'm afraid I don't know of any books or cites that instruct how to feel (I'm being sarcastic) because you should just feel the pleasure he affords. If you don't feel any, he isn't giving you any.

Try asking him to slow down.....a lot. Ask him to take his time. No humping and no banging. Just long, leisurely strokes. Sometimes pressing for a moment and then releasing and repeating. This should get you quite aroused and into it because he's taking the time for you to feel it.

Also, try some ginseng. There is ginseng gum that comes in a red package. I don't know where you live (it's readily availabe almost everyplace where I live), so you may have to order it online. Chew a couple sticks 30-45 minutes before lovemaking. I could suggest ginseng tea because it's easy to find, but nothing works better than the gum and I cannot explain why.

Ginseng is long known to be an aphrodisiac, but I'm not sure that's entirely accurate. I understand aphrodisiacs are supposed to make you horny but ginseng does not make you feel any particular urging to have sex. It's a natural and healthy stimulant that effectively wakens/livens bodily functions. So, be prepared to go to the bathroom LOL, but what wondrously happens is it perks the nerve endings too, which means sex acts feel wowzer better ans orgasms are stronger. I'm suggesting its use as kind of a test. Since you have nothing to compare, then this will help you determine if your lack of sensation means you need to see your doctor or if it's that your guy doesn't serve you well.



Chrimatosa said:


> Well, right now that's the honest word I would use. It really is like a game of Twister where I feel a little silly, enjoy the body contact, and get a little squashed. Right now, it doesn't feel GOOD unless I get a vibe involved. But then it feels REAL GOOD, and I feel every motion he makes. Aaaand I'm on again, heh.


This rather negates my ginseng suggestion, but you may want to try it anyway. The augmenting affect is really great. It does appear your guy has some learning to do. If the vibe feels good, put him to work so he learns to make you feel good too.



Chrimatosa said:


> I haven't considered this, because my libido dropped noticeably maybe two years before I ever met him and started being sexually active. I see your point, but I think disappointment in sex itself isn't the reason, at least not yet


You're right. Disappointment in sex wouldn't be the reason since declined libido doesn't mean your sexually sensitive zones disappeared. You could still be enjoying sex even though it was the last thing on your mind beforehand.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It seems like you two are inexperienced, and that can be enough to create all kinds of questions about whether sex is all it's cracked up to be. I had that issue when I first started having sex. Oh, it was exciting and fun, but never really satisfying _for me_, back then. I had trouble with orgasms, and still can only have them with clitoral stimulation. 

It takes time, education, and practice, so start there before you convince yourself you're asexual or that you aren't into your partner. The important thing is that both of you learn about this _together_. Read the books and talk about them _together_, practice _together_. Bring your partner into this..."sweetheart, I want us to have mindblowing sex...will you explore and learn with me?"

SimplyAmorous, one of the posters here, recommends some books for learning about sexual pleasure. I copied this quote with reading recommendations from her thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/102337-just-how-important-your-wifes-orgasm-you-man.html




SimplyAmorous said:


> So appreciate all your responses on this thread ... Overwhelmingly - this is important to men.... So important it can cause issues when the female orgasm is elusive...
> 
> If anyone may be interested...thought I'd list a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>*
> 
> ...


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Im a she...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even better 1st hand knowledge


----------

