# What is the correct way to handle this?



## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Hi everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm hoping someone out there can help. I'll be as brief as possible. 

My husband and I have been married 12 years. This past weekend, we got into a fight that resulted in him leaving the house for several hours. During that time, he called to tell me to leave our house and that we were over. I told him I would talk to him when he was calmer and did not do as he instructed. He mentioned something about not being able to trust me, about what I'm not sure as he didn't elaborate and that he wanted me out or he would leave.

Hours later, he returned home. I expected him to pack, but he carried on with his evening relatively normal. He was very short with me at first but then spoke to me in a more normal tone the rest of the night but he did choose to sleep on the sofa. The week so far has been that way. He comes home from work, I make dinner, we chat about our days, etc, and he sleeps on the sofa. There is no emotion, affection, physical touch or anything like that but otherwise similar to our normal evenings. We talk, watch tv, even laugh. 

I am extremely confused about what's happening. He's not touched the subject at all and I did ask once if he could just let me know what was going on, he said something along the lines of he didn't know and didn't want to talk. I don't want to push it anymore. I've done my best to be upbeat and warm and not show him how terribly upset I am but my confusion at the situation is becoming so nerve-wracking. I'm trying to prepare myself for him telling me he no longer loves me and that's why he hasn't spoken about anything yet. I do not want my marriage to end. 

Anyone been through something similar who can help decode? Am I acting the right way? Thank you in advance. 

P.S. I already know there is no affair.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What was the fight about? Why did he storm out of the house? Is the fight related to his not trusting you, and for telling you to get out of the house?

Personally, I wouldn't be capable of just chatting normally with him after the scene he put on. I would have wanted to talk with him about it immediately.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Call him on it. 

Pack his bag and change the locks.

If/when he wants to talk, it will be through a lawyer.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, then shut the TV off and tell him you do.

You can't keep this sort of thing up and the only thing is it wont get better until it's discussed and don't take no for an answer. It's childish for someone to have to sit in the hot seat and not know what or if they did anything wrong and the accuser to sit tight lipped.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

The fight sparked very suddenly. We were cuddling on the sofa watching tv when he said he needed to get on the computer quickly. He was typing away and I started watched something else on tv and he was becoming visibly agitated and I asked him what was up and he said something like "I'm feeling like you're limiting what I can do". I asked how, he didn't know but was getting upset and when I pressed him to explain what I was doing to make him feel that way, he stormed out of the room. 

Big mistake number one, I followed him and said I don't see what the issue is. And he said because "I'm talking about it". Confusing to me. So I basically said, "I don't think this is something to fight over, it's silly, you do your thing, I'll go watch tv and we'll meet up later" or something like that. But apparently saying that was way too much and he got very angry. I said there was no need for that and he said I provoke him and then left the house. 

It's very difficult to carry on normally, but I've been in a similar situation previously, although, not for this long and not without knowing where his head was. 


Thanks for responding!


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Revamped said:


> Call him on it.
> 
> Pack his bag and change the locks.
> 
> If/when he wants to talk, it will be through a lawyer.


This is extremely hard step to take, I want to remain married. 



6301 said:


> If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, then shut the TV off and tell him you do.
> 
> You can't keep this sort of thing up and the only thing is it wont get better until it's discussed and don't take no for an answer. It's childish for someone to have to sit in the hot seat and not know what or if they did anything wrong and the accuser to sit tight lipped.


I agree, it won't get better until it's discussed but I'm afraid if I push it, that will prove to him that he should divorce me. We have a son, and my husband is a very good father. And I'm doing my best (as I assume he is) to keep everything as normal as possible.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

nightshade said:


> This is extremely hard step to take,


Yes it is. I'd rather be married to a man, than a man-child. Mind games and walking on eggshells isn't what I consider a healthy marriage.

Wanna play games? Talk to my lawyer, who will end the stupid game.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Revamped said:


> Yes it is. I'd rather be married to a man, than a man-child. Mind games and walking on eggshells isn't what I consider a healthy marriage.
> 
> Wanna play games? Talk to my lawyer, who will end the stupid game.


Yes, I rather that too. Thank you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nightshade said:


> The fight sparked very suddenly. We were cuddling on the sofa watching tv when he said he needed to get on the computer quickly. He was typing away and I started watched something else on tv and he was becoming visibly agitated and I asked him what was up and he said something like "I'm feeling like you're limiting what I can do". I asked how, he didn't know but was getting upset and when I pressed him to explain what I was doing to make him feel that way, he stormed out of the room.
> 
> Big mistake number one, I followed him and said I don't see what the issue is. And he said because "I'm talking about it". Confusing to me. So I basically said, "I don't think this is something to fight over, it's silly, you do your thing, I'll go watch tv and we'll meet up later" or something like that. But apparently saying that was way too much and he got very angry. I said there was no need for that and he said I provoke him and then left the house.


I"m sorry, but this makes no sense to me. Is your husband on medications or does he have some sort of medical/mental issue? Why can't he express himself coherently to tell you why he was upset right then? Why does he speak so vaguely?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

norajane said:


> I"m sorry, but this makes no sense to me. Is your husband on medications or does he have some sort of medical/mental issue? Why can't he express himself coherently to tell you why he was upset right then? Why does he speak so vaguely?


To me either! No, no medications or any known issues. He seems to have more trouble expressing himself when he is under stress. He normally doesn't speak so vaguely. I don't know, maybe there is something going on he's not telling me?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

nightshade said:


> It's very difficult to carry on normally, but I've been in a similar situation previously, although, not for this long and not without knowing where his head was.


This isn't the first time he's done this. Normalcy of him storming out is what your child is learning. Make sure this doesn't escalate. When he says it's time for you to leave, let him know it will be HIM that leaves. Permanently.

Enough is enough on the threats.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I couldn't live like this either...yuck. He needs to put his big boy pants on and tell you what the h ell is going on.

How are you sure there's no affair?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Revamped said:


> This isn't the first time he's done this. Normalcy of him storming out is what your child is learning. Make sure this doesn't escalate. When he says it's time for you to leave, let him know it will be HIM that leaves. Permanently.
> 
> Enough is enough on the threats.


You're right. I can't let this continue. Unfortunately, this is exactly the situation I didn't want to be in. If I want to be released from this game, I have to end it. If I demand we speak, he will end it. Either way, I'm really stuck. That is what is so frustrating. 



frusdil said:


> I couldn't live like this either...yuck. He needs to put his big boy pants on and tell you what the h ell is going on.
> 
> How are you sure there's no affair?


I pretty much know where he is all the time, and I have access to his phone, email, etc whenever I want. That I know, is something just not in his nature.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You seem so certain there is no affair, no medications, no booze, no secrets ... yet his very behavior is not normal.

I mean, SOMETHING is going on. Stressed? Okay. Fine. But this isn't the way someone acts towards their spouse when they're stressed.

What you are describing is a spouse who is pissed off ... at you. 

I married an alcoholic. I got all sorts of weird responses and behaviors to saying something as mundane as, "I need to make a U-turn in the next block." And I'm not kidding.

This man has problems. You want to stay married to him. Unless he wants to admit to and get treatment for his problems, I guess you are stuck being married to a man who behaves this way.

Your life. Your choices.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Something is missing from this story. Either he's mentally unstable, there's something he's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

nightshade said:


> I pretty much know where he is all the time, and I have access to his phone, email, etc whenever I want. That I know, is something just not in his nature.


What you KNOW is, he picks fights then runs away so you're left to twiddle your thumbs wondering what will happen next.

Then he comes back, you don't say anything so neither does he. Stalemate. 

No, checkmate. GTFO.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nightshade said:


> *I pretty much know where he is all the time*, and I have access to his phone, email, etc whenever I want. That I know, is something just not in his nature.


Do you know where he went during those hours after he stormed out of the house? Could he have been with a woman? Is that where he goes when he storms out after picking fights?

What was he doing on his computer just before he started the fight? Could he have been chatting with a woman, whom he then created an opportunity to meet by starting a fight and stormed out to meet her?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I just thought about the title of your post. What is the "correct" way to handle this? 

Like an adult. 

Mean what you say. Say what you mean. But don't say it mean.

Seriously.

I don't give a good cahoot if he's totally out of joint when you face the issues. If he won't, then you face them.

If he stonewalls, stomps out, refuses to speak to you, plays games, etc., you tell him to leave for awhile.

Or you leave.

I'm sorry for sounding heartless and blunt, but I put up with this looney b.s. for almost six years in my marriage.

I finally pulled the plug. Life is to darn short to waste on this nonsense.

JMO.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Even if he's not having an affair he could be interested in someone and looking for justification.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

To me it looks like he's picking fights with you on purpose to have a seemingly 'legitimate' reason to leave the house in this case for hours. Where was he? You don't know. He was typing on the computer right before he picked the fight. It looks shady either way. Was he with another woman? How do you know for sure? Not trying to upset you here.

I feel like we're missing some pieces of the puzzle. Like there is more to this story.

Good fathers don't pick fake fights and storm out of the house out of the blue leaving their wife and child/children wondering where they are and if they plan on coming back.

When he came home I wouldn't have made dinner and keep making dinner while getting no answers and having him sleep on the sofa all week long. Ridiculous! Would you treat him that way? Somehow I doubt it.

You say you want to stay married and are scared of losing him. What exactly are you loosing? He's treating you with no respect whatsoever. No explanation about what is going on. You and your child left to wonder what's going on.

Do you know who he was communicating with on the computer when he stormed out?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> This man has problems. You want to stay married to him. Unless he wants to admit to and get treatment for his problems, I guess you are stuck being married to a man who behaves this way.
> 
> Your life. Your choices.


He does not behave this way probably 90% of the time, just when we fight, or a fight is starting, etc. I have suspected for a while there is more going on that maybe his mental state is a concern but it is not something he is willing to consider. Also, I dealt with depression for the early years of our marriage so I'm used to being the "crazy" one. 

But you're right. I'm getting what I ask for at this point. 



John Lee said:


> Something is missing from this story. Either he's mentally unstable, there's something he's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us.


Well, the overarching theme to our marriage is, that fights are rare but when they happen they are huge and either about 1) his bad mood or 2) he wants more freedom and I want more connection. Over the last few years, I feel like I've been letting go more and more of what I had previously asked for, yet his fuse is getting shorter and shorter. I had wondered before if he pulls a stunt like this so he can have the benefit of being married without any of the hassle.

I am certainly not blameless in any of this. I can react poorly and say things that escalate the situation. Years ago, another forum and another (similar) situation many were of the mind that it was no wonder my husband wanted away from me. So maybe just after so many years of trying to make it work, my husband has cracked from trying to live with me.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> I'm sorry for sounding heartless and blunt, but I put up with this looney b.s. for almost six years in my marriage.
> 
> I finally pulled the plug. Life is to darn short to waste on this nonsense.
> 
> JMO.


I appreciate your input, I really do. Maybe blunt is what I need. 



John Lee said:


> Even if he's not having an affair he could be interested in someone and looking for justification.


That you could be right about.



norajane said:


> Do you know where he went during those hours after he stormed out of the house? Could he have been with a woman? Is that where he goes when he storms out after picking fights?
> 
> What was he doing on his computer just before he started the fight? Could he have been chatting with a woman, whom he then created an opportunity to meet by starting a fight and stormed out to meet her?


I do. His phone shares his GPS location with mine. He can turn it off, but he obviously forgot or didn't care. He continuously drove around. The one stop he seems to have made, was for fast food. And I have the receipt. 

I was over his shoulder and he was doing our budget spreadsheet. 



FizzBomb said:


> You say you want to stay married and are scared of losing him. What exactly are you loosing? He's treating you with no respect whatsoever. No explanation about what is going on. You and your child left to wonder what's going on.


I'm scared because I love him.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

he is pissed off about something. It might have something to do with you, hence his stomping out of the room. Maybe he feels you should know what it is all about?

Jeez, it could be anything. Stress at work, not enough sex, working hard but not making any financial headway, him becoming gay....who knows. You need to figure it out though.

Maybe schedule a weekend away from home. Book a room at a resort for the weekend. The two of you have fun, especially things he likes to do. Be open to communications, but don't pressure him on it.

And lots of sex while you are at it. Sex heals a lot in a man's mind.
Maybe he will open up about what is bugging him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that it sounds like he started the fight to have an excuse to get out of the house. 

You way that you were standing over his shoulder and saw what he was working on. But when this started you were watching TV. Then you got up and stood by him.

He could have been doing something on the computer and then changed the screen when you got up. My ex did this kind of thing. It took me a while to realize that he always had a window open that he could pop up to cover what he was really doing... picking up on women online.

Since he will not tell you what's going on and you want to continue the marriage, I think you need to do some snooping.

A VAR (voice activated recorder) secured using adhesive backed Velcro under the front seat will tell you if he's is driving around talking to someone. A car is a great private place for phone conversations. He could have picked someone up and had them in the car with him. 

Him saying that you are holding him back sounds like an affair. It's a very common thing that men in affairs say.


You believe that he was working on the finances. Maybe there is something about your finances that you don't know about that has him agitated. Me? I'd put a keystroke logger on his computer to find out what he's up to.

Something is up and you need to find out what it is.

If you find nothing then it will point to him having anger and maybe even mental health issues.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Is it generally after moments of intimacy/closeness between you both that he lashes out like this? When you are feeling happy and content and have no warning of what's about to happen?

I don't know much about mental illness, other than depression, but he sounds mentally ill. It may be that he is hiding something and gaslighting you, but from the bits you've written, he sounds mentally unstable.

Either you need to delve deeper in your understanding of your own part to play in all this and express it honestly, get it out in the open, or you need to start thinking about what sort of future you will have with this person. Reading this it seems like one of these is happening: 1. You are lying about what is actually happening between you both, your version is far from reality, 2. He is gaslighting you to hide an affair, 3. He is mentally unstable. 

Imagine the next 20 years like this, again and again and again, until you die of a stroke/heart attack due to the stress.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Well, last night I was able to at least get him to tell me what he was angry about. He said I talk and don't listen. I apologized and said I was open to listening now. At which point he said I was doing it again and I was forcing him into the conversation. He wasn't ready to talk and he didn't know when he would be.



murphy5 said:


> Maybe schedule a weekend away from home. Book a room at a resort for the weekend. The two of you have fun, especially things he likes to do. Be open to communications, but don't pressure him on it.
> 
> And lots of sex while you are at it. Sex heals a lot in a man's mind.
> Maybe he will open up about what is bugging him.


We actually have plans this weekend, but I doubt they will be happening now. Thank you for your suggestion.



EleGirl said:


> You way that you were standing over his shoulder and saw what he was working on. But when this started you were watching TV. Then you got up and stood by him.


I'm sorry, I wasn't clear enough before. We were watching tv and he got on a laptop next to me on the sofa. It was angled toward me so I could see what he was doing. 



breeze said:


> Is it generally after moments of intimacy/closeness between you both that he lashes out like this? When you are feeling happy and content and have no warning of what's about to happen?
> 
> I don't know much about mental illness, other than depression, but he sounds mentally ill. It may be that he is hiding something and gaslighting you, but from the bits you've written, he sounds mentally unstable.
> 
> ...


I'm not totally sure when it happens, I haven't noticed a pattern. 

Now that I have some insight into what the issue is, I will try to examine what part I play more closely. 

I don't think I can handle 20 years of this. I'm already fraying at the edges.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. It's been very helpful.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

It sounds to me as if he offered you almost no insight whatsoever! Left you almost as clueless as when he stormed out....

No it is NOT time to examine what role you play in all this because you still don't know what the H "this" is! Sounds like he knows how to manipulate you at a Master level. You have to devise a way to show him you won't tolerare this kind of mystery. 

Tell him you insist on MC or you are done with him. I bet he needs you more than you need him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

nightshade said:


> Well, last night I was able to at least get him to tell me what he was angry about. He said I talk and don't listen. I apologized and said I was open to listening now. At which point he said I was doing it again and I was forcing him into the conversation. He wasn't ready to talk and he didn't know when he would be.


Ok fine. So when is this drama going to be over? He's enjoying the power he has over you at the moment. It's both immature and cruel. How old is he 4???

I think you should book a counselling appointment, tell him when it is and that he has to go with you. Tell him you've had enough of this bs and that he either talks to you or a counsellor, or the marriage is done.

Call his bluff. This is ridiculous. His behaviour I mean.

I'm not saying you're blameless, or that you don't contribute to the issue - whatever it is. But how can he expect you to work on it if he won't tell you what it is or even discuss it with you?? You're his wife. He owes you that much at the very least.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nightshade said:


> Well, last night I was able to at least get him to tell me what he was angry about. He said I talk and don't listen. I apologized and said I was open to listening now. At which point he said I was doing it again and I was forcing him into the conversation. He wasn't ready to talk and he didn't know when he would be.


First word that popped into my mind was "abusive." He'll get back with you when he's good and ready ... which may very well be NEVER. 

He'll leave you hanging and guessing. Ugh. Sick.

And he only does this 10% of the time? Well, that entire 10% boils down to how he bypasses conflict. And leaves you feeling like the bad guy.

I lived with similar nonsense. I got out and I'm thankful every single day I don't have to tolerate this any longer.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> It sounds to me as if he offered you almost no insight whatsoever! Left you almost as clueless as when he stormed out....


I assume he is saying that I have a habit of not listening an this isn't an isolated incident. You're right, it's not much to go on.



frusdil said:


> I think you should book a counselling appointment, tell him when it is and that he has to go with you. Tell him you've had enough of this bs and that he either talks to you or a counsellor, or the marriage is done.
> 
> Call his bluff. This is ridiculous. His behaviour I mean.
> 
> I'm not saying you're blameless, or that you don't contribute to the issue - whatever it is. But how can he expect you to work on it if he won't tell you what it is or even discuss it with you?? You're his wife. He owes you that much at the very least.


Yes, that is a good idea. I will make an appointment. If the issue really is he doesn't feel I listen to him, it's incredibly hard to take any steps in that area if he won't talk, about the issue or anything where it matters. He's speaking to me in a general sense and there doesn't seem to be the issue there as we can converse just fine so again, I'm assuming, it's during times he's sharing something deeper. 



Prodigal said:


> First word that popped into my mind was "abusive." He'll get back with you when he's good and ready ... which may very well be NEVER.
> 
> He'll leave you hanging and guessing. Ugh. Sick.
> 
> And he only does this 10% of the time? Well, that entire 10% boils down to how he bypasses conflict. And leaves you feeling like the bad guy.


That's a sad thought. I'm trying to see it as there's a lot of built up hurt or resentment or whatever that's manifested itself in this unhealthy way. That's probably naive of me. I'm struggling. I want to know I did everything I could and if he's truly hurt, I want to try and help that. But I suspect I really am the only one who cares at this point.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

nightshade said:


> Well, last night I was able to at least get him to tell me what he was angry about. He said I talk and don't listen. I apologized and said I was open to listening now. At which point he said I was doing it again and I was forcing him into the conversation. He wasn't ready to talk and he didn't know when he would be.


 You know, what you have here is a little boy who needs to sit in his time out chair and hold his breathe until he gets his way.

He's a grown man and needs to be reminded of it and if it was me and he wanted to act like an ass, then I would tell him to take it someplace else but not in the house. In other words, go get a motel room, have you whiny pity party for himself and don't come back until you can act like the husband and man you married and expect him to be.

Either that or a swift kick in the ass providing you don't go to jail, but he needs it.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

6301 said:


> You know, what you have here is a little boy who needs to sit in his time out chair and hold his breathe until he gets his way.
> 
> He's a grown man and needs to be reminded of it and if it was me and he wanted to act like an ass, then I would tell him to take it someplace else but not in the house. In other words, go get a motel room, have you whiny pity party for himself and don't come back until you can act like the husband and man you married and expect him to be.
> 
> Either that or a swift kick in the ass providing you don't go to jail, but he needs it.


Well, he can already have his way. I want to make things work. And I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is deeply hurt and is processing. It is hard to be around him right now but I'll do anything to prevent our son from feeling the strain.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nightshade said:


> I want to make things work. And I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is deeply hurt and is processing. It is hard to be around him right now but I'll do anything to prevent our son from feeling the strain.


But does he ... want to make things work that is. 

Is he giving you the benefit of the doubt?

So he is deeply hurt and "processing." Okay. You know the man and the situation. You live with him, I don't. 

As far as your son goes, he DOES feel the strain. Kids are very intuitive. My parents fought their wars in private (or so they thought) and didn't think I had a clue. By the time I was eight, I had what a doctor referred to as "hysterical asthma." In other words, I was hyperventilating due to the stress I was attempting to shove down.

I sincerely hope you aren't giving your husband the benefit of the doubt at the expense of your child. JMO.


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