# Husband cheated with nanny and I can't get over it!



## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

I have been married for five years and have two amazing children, ages 3 and 1. My husband recently had a fling with our young nanny. For weeks my gut told me something was going on between the two of them. She would stay late when I was out of town working. She always called him with any and all questions about the kids. There was definitely tension between the two of them when I was in the room. 
My husband is my best friend and a stand-up guy. He feels awful about the situation he put our family in. I found out by reading some text messages on his phone that were borderline sexual in flirtation. The two of them swear they never did anything physically but the texting that went on between them was extremely uncomfortable to read. I wound up breaking into his computer to get to the truth so I too have broken our bonds of trust, but not nearly as bad as he did in my opinion. We were having communication issues and he says he has been lonely for the last three years. Well, hello!! I was pregnant with his two kids and had extreme difficulties with both. I was bed ridden, had a miscarriage in between and gained more weight than anyone should. (Which I have lost thankfully.)
I am an entrepreneur and a workaholic which he admired when we first got married. I have always wanted more intimacy then he has and now think maybe this is why. I'm so confused and have never had anyone break my heart this way. If we didn't have the kids I would've left but now I have our two little ones to worry about and they adore their father.
I guess I'm just confused and don't know how to get my confidence back and know that he really wants to save the marriage. I also have horrible thoughts of getting even as I've had plenty of offers but have always remembered my vows. I just can't figure out why he was so selfish and wonder if I even know who he is anymore!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Try to maintain the perspective that an affair - in whatever form it takes, is a symptom of a problem in your relationship. Seldom is it the problem itself. Nobody wakes up one day and decides to have an affair.
If he is engaged in mending the marriage - then I recommend that you do the same. Be open to identifying and addressing the underlying problems ... and recognize that having children very often _is_ the problem. They are the catalyst.
It's a bizarre sequence of events. You meet, fall in love, and decide to have children and grow closer. As a result of having children, you grow apart, fall out of love and split up.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I was pregnant with his two kids and had extreme difficulties with both.

I was kind of taken back by this statement. You didnt choose the word our two kids. :scratchhead: 

I am sorry what has happened as I can only imagine how you feel. I would recomend reading a book called his needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage. It really helped me and my marriage. 

Get the move Fireproof also and watch it together.

You can heal from this experience but it will take time and hard work on both sides.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Deejo. Thank you for your thoughtful words. 

Happyquest. Wow, I'm taken back too about using "his two kids" rather than "our two kids." I think in my rage I started acting as though I sacrificed everything to have kids which is not the case at all. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will look at the book and movie. The healing process is so confusing. I think I'm still in shock. I hope to hear about successful stories to help inspire me that we can get over this hurdle.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

this post may give you some hope.

It is a piece of my story. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/5216-road-back-infidelity.html

Keep the faith that God will lead you to where you need to be.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

It's been a tough week of ups and downs. Right now I'm still feeling so overwhelmed with hatred. His cheating has brought out any and all insecurities and fears. I've never had to deal with being insecure. Suddenly I feel unattractive, stupid and mostly NAÏVE. How could I have ignored the warning signs. And how could I have had this girl in my home taking care of our children. I feel like I have the worst judge in character now. (We're trying to find a new nanny but I can't or don't want to trust anyone.)

I tried to sit down and make a positive list about things he's done for me but all I can write down are the negatives. The things I feel like my husband ignored by being preoccupied by his affair. I'm now the one left trying to clean up the mess and getting our house back in check and am more and more angry about the time I lost with our kids because I was doing things he was too distratcted to do.

I find that I have no problem loathing with a passion that he cheated on me! I feel like I am almost obsessed with the hatred now and also knno it's not right! Is this normal? Is this what everyone goes through? Aaagh!

I need to figure out how to do self preservation. I realize clinging to this rage and choking feelings is only hurting me. I need to figure out how to separate my feelings for him and what he did to us and our family.

Please someone, let me know that these feelings are all normal.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

These feelings/emotions are normal. I am 3.5 months out and still occassionally relapse into obsessing about the details, betrayal, etc...resulting in me becoming angry and upset (usually requiring a trip to the gym or a long bike ride). At some point, you need to figure out how to forgive (not forget) and let it go and try to move it (marriage/reconciliation) forward...this is easier said than done, especially for Type A blokes such as myself. Essentially, it is roller coaster ride that lasts for months if not longer...be prepared and recognize it for what it is.

It is OK and natural to feel angry and livid...just don't let it eat you up inside...find some distractions and do something for yourself (and the kids). 

Good luck!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Try to find something to keep your mind occupied. With nothing else to do, you obsess. It will just take time and you can't rush it...sigh...I wish I could!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Thank you "confused" and "dcrim." It helps to know I'm not alone. I, too, am a Type A personality so it's good to know you can relate. I must admit, I have been focusing on working out and getting outside and it's definitely helping me feel good about myself again. I think recognizing that it's okay to feel the way I do helps. My fear is that when I get in the "so angry" mood I just want to get even and have a fling myself (Probably a Type A thing to do) which I know deep down doesn't help the situation at all and I'll just feel worse.

Positive note, I opened up and shared what I was feeling yesterday with my husband and told him about my list. He was calm and really tried to listen and recognized how painful this is for me and let me know how much he appreciated me trying to stick it out. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I did the revenge thing (not cheating) and I sincerely wish I hadn't. 

It brought me down to her level. I don't want to be there. 

I want to be myself again but it will take time that I cannot rush. 

Just hang in there, girl. We're all here for each other. Most of us have been there and got the dang t-shirt!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Thank you dcrim. I don't ever want to "sink" to anyone's level! You are right and it's really nice to have you guys to lean on for support! I'm usually the tough non-sensitive cookie that everyone goes to with their problems so it's strange to be in the other seat. I'm really glad I found this site to help get through this the "RIGHT" way. I'm sorry I have to learn from your own personal bad experiences but I truly appreciate you sharing them with me.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You're welcome, Heartysoul. 

Well, it's better to learn from someone else's experiences than your own.  But not everyone can do that. That's why we're all here for each other.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well now I can say I have been in your shoes! In answer to your question about your confidence...first of all you need to take care of you. You sound like me. You take care of everyone but yourself. Now first thing I want you to do is do something for you. What makes you feel better about yourself? For me, it was getting in shape I am now an avid runner, I run 6 days a week. But it could be anything. You have to believe you are worth it. This isn't about you, its because HE is weak! When you focus on you and do something that makes you feel could you will grow stronger to cope with this. As for your trust that he won't do this again, you can't get that back HE must do things to rebuild that trust and it takes time....a lot of time! 

I was just posting to another woman who's H was caught cheating and I thought my story might help her, maybe it will help you too. So here it is:

Here's my story, maybe it will help. I hope. I want to tell you were I started, feeling like you do and where I am today 10 months later. I've have been there and still am. I married my h.s. sweetheart. We've been married 15 years, but together 23. We have 2 children together. He's the kind of guy everyone loves but I would have sworn he would be faithful. I remember one time when he was racing jet ski's one of the models came up and wanted to meet him. I happened to be nearby but believe me he could not see me. He didn't give her a second glance, was even somewhat rude and said "I'm married!". 

So what happened that changed....life I guess...got boring and he hit midlife crisis. He doubted himself and felt poorly because he was getting older. I could see that but not sure what to do. He looks great at 41, often mistaken for late 20's. I looked every one of my 39 years, having put my children first, him second, job after that, and me last. I was always athletic but how does one find time to work out when they are taking care of a family and working about 12 hours a day? Which I felt I needed to do, as he owns a business (and that's my other job helping there) and it had slowed way down with the economy. I was in a position to work more and support the gap. 

Well then he decided an 18 year old neighbor (and our babysitter) looked better than me. He not only had a physical affair with her (and when I was away in our own bedroom!) but he developed a friendship and began confiding stuff to her and sometimes about me. He worked really hard to fool me that things were great between us. How would I know I was working and feeding kids! He was messing around with his girlfriend.

He changed, he became someone I started to dislike. He is a great father but he was no longer there for them, wanting to openly spend time with this girl and our neighbors...just friends he said...I fed my babies, put them to sleep, no kiss from daddy. He was screwing his brains out. I confronted him on a few occasions when he and the neighbors and the girl went out together leaving me at home with the kids. He then told me he was not happy with me and was not sure he wanted to stay married to me. 

I figured I could save us. I am an extremely determined person. People who know me say when I decide I am going to do something, it will be done. I was all over the internet reading every advice piece I could, found this site and so may people here helped. I began to work out (wasn't too bad out of shape but 39, 2 kids, no exercise and not great either). I began dropping pounds very quickly everyone noticed but H. But I began feeling really good about myself. Abandoned baggy clothes found retail therapy, but bought entire new wardrobe of younger clothes that fit more tightly. I changed my hairstyle I'd had for last 10 years. Everything you can imagine, I look very little like the person I was a year ago. But more importantly what happened was my own confidence. I began to realize HE did not deserve ME. I could go on, and live my life but he was so lost thinking an 18 year old would make him feel good. Yeah so when he's 50 and she's 27 she'll still be interested??? 

Anywa, I figured it that he was having an affair because as dumb as I sounded at the beginning of this. One night (D-Day) He wanted to go see a movie by himself to get some "me" time. I sat outside her house and watched her leave 5 min after him. Then I went and hacked in to his computer and found photos he sent to her along with emails. I called him, and at first he was very angry at "what I did" in invading his privacy. I feel like you do. I was so angry I said to him "find someplace else to go but do not come back here, you don't live here anymore".

I called my father who is a locksmith, no explanation I just told him to come immediately change my locks as my H no longer lived there. I got someone to watch my kids, and I went and told her entire faily (several live in the neighborhood). They were furious with my H and their daughter. They said they would see to it she never came around me and my children again, in fact they moved out of the house and rented it and make her leave too. She found another place to live. 

I hated him, called him every name in the book. But I loved him too. He changed and realized he ruined his whole life and she was not what he wanted. But I was a new person. No one will ever treat me like this again. If I was who I am today, he never would have gotten the new key to get back in the house.

He did call me, eventually I took his call and he said the only words I would hear "please can we go to marriage counseling". We did and I agreed to give it another try but on my terms. No communication with her, total transparency, and I wanted to honest answers to my question, and above all 110% commitment. 

He promised all those things, but it was over a period of a few months before I got all the answers, and he actually emailed her a few times days right after to get closure, which he did admit to me. 

Today, I have anger. It will be a roller coaster, anger, despair, anxiety, depression...and it can change every 5 minutes. Its normal and its part of healing. Do seek counseling it can help you, and its ok to feel anger. 

Best thing to do is get an outlet, this forum is a good one. Write down your feelings, letters to him but you don't have to give them to him. There will be times when you need to just let loose and tell him how angry you are and how stupid he was. In my book that's ok! But that will be for you, not for repair of the relationship. In my opinion its important that he know your feelings and how deeply he hurt you. But real communication should be constructive. Start with "I.." "I am really angry with you because you betrayed me...." when he talks to you though, don't interupt. Let him finish. Don't jump back, really listen. Remember if your goal is to repair then you need to discuss this. 

Its too soon to not feel this anger. But it does subside, so does the pain. I hurt still but its no longer festering...just once in awhile it pops up.

I'm not an angry person, not violent in fact I'm a pretty gentle person. But I've transferred all my anger to the OW. I do not trust myself around her. I told my H, to make sure that she stays away (he doesn't communicate with her but she has tried 3 times, he's told me about it) because if she does, all that anger may come out. 

I am so sorry all this has happened, I hope that you will be able to work through this.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

"I realize clinging to this rage and choking feelings is only hurting me. I need to figure out how to separate my feelings for him and what he did to us and our family."

Its normal! You are normal! and anger sometimes gives us comfort. You are so confused about how to feel. You know this emotion, so you will come back to it often. Feeling angry has become my "shelter" because I understand that emotion. It can help as long as you don't allow it to take over. Let yourself have those moments, and as time goes by it will be less. 

However, when I read your response I don't hear anything about what he is doing to fix this????


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Wow! That was extremely helpful Azmomoftwo! I guess the best thing is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm finding great trust at least in those of you on this board.

Like you, I am an avid runner and have gotten myself back in shape. I gained 88 pounds with our first child and 86 with our second. Mind you, I've always been athletic and in great shape so the weight gain was difficult to cope. Proudly, I have ten pounds to go to get back to my wedding day weight. And, thankfully, my husband has noticed, although now I feel like I'm getting my shape back for me and the kids.

My husband is definitely remorseful. I did fire the nanny and he has only talked to her once since. (At least that's what he says.) He did tell me when she called him a few days later. My husband has been extremely patient and encouraging me to share my emotions, no matter how difficult it is for him to hear. He does act sorry and knows he has to earn my trust back. (Although he does often throw out there that he doesn't trust me anymore either because I broke into his computer. I often feel he's using that to try to make me feel bad too.)

We've talked about going to counseling but so far have been able to talk openly about everything. I do feel like I get real answers because they're often things I don't want to hear. We're laughing quite a bit together again and trying to find our passion for one another and as a team.

Each day is a roller coaster and we do want to make this work. I just can't help but wonder if I'm just being a fool and if he did this once what's to say next year when the kids take up our time that he won't get unhappy again and do this again. I know I'm the best thing for him and am starting to wonder if I deserve better!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Hang in there, Heartysoul. It will be a roller coaster for a while. 

I was doing ok for the past few days but, all of a sudden, today I'm feeling anxiety again. Maybe it's from talking to xgf's best friend about it. 

I'm not a (professional) writer, but I do write. I had no one to talk to except these fine people. It was extremely helpful to write things down and then post them on here. It helped me get the poison out of me. 

I will never know why. I know I will heal and so will you. One day at a time...sometimes it was one hour at a time for me! 

We're all here to help each other.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Hi friends!

It's been a few days since I've checked in. This is actually a great sign that things have been getting better. I've been working out tons and trying to find new outlets for myself rather than obsessing over the affair. Granted, I'm still extremely hurt but thought I'd share it's been a couple days without tears and without extreme hate. I know something at any second could trigger the hurtful feelings but for right now in this moment I'm smiling and getting stronger. Just thought I'd try to share the happy moments as well as the angry ones. You guys have all been a great help!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

HS:

I am very impressed with how well you are managing your anger and your attitude is great. Focusing elsewhere such as on yourself and doing things for yourself is very good. 

I have been married 24 years. What I've found is that marriage is a series of ups and downs, some downs are so hard, like infidelity and breaking of trust. But, like someone once said "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." and it sounds as if you and others on here certainly are becoming stronger and "bigger" people in mind and spirit. 

I have always found by not lowering myself to the level of the weaknesses (or shallowness of lust) of others, such as a straying spouse is the "higher" road to take. Leading by example brings honor to oneself, being true to yourself and having the dignity to help another less strong person (such as a confused or wayward spouse) discover what it was that caused them to disappoint their spouse is uplifting and in the end, pure of heart.

Perhaps there are silver linings to dark clouds....?

My prayers are with you and your family. Good luck, hang in there, it will get better.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I share a lot of these same feelings. We did go to counseling. I had asked him when I saw him pulling away from me and he said he was not sure he wanted to stay married. I said we've been together for 23 years cant we try? At that time he said marriage should just be, if its meant to be and he admitted to not wanting to work on it. But then he was having an affair at the time, this was before I knew it though. 

When I kicked him out he made the appointment and asked me to go. Best thing we could have done. Although earlier on if he reluctantly agreed, not sure it would have done any good. He might have resented me for making him go. Before finding out about the affair and confused about why he might not love me anymore after we had such a great relationship, I did get the CDs from Mort Fertel Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help – Save Marriage - Stop Divorce - Marriage Problem Solving and they are excellent. After listening to them, I asked him if he would. He actually did...without me pestering him. It was the first sign of hope. I tried to implement everything he said. To be honest I need to pull those out again, and re-listen. Maybe we should do it together. 

This is a roller coaster. In fact I hit a "down" slope today. I find that when I'm under pressure from kids, work, life, pressure makes me not cope with this affair well. Work has been really busy and today I exploded at him but its all so wrapped up, because he said "its ok. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you." Mind you, this is a new thing since the affair these bad episodes in which I yell at him, the kids.

I guess my response today was what the true issue is. I said "How do I know that? For 23 years I was SURE you were there. Then one day, you blindsided me. I took care of you, our kids and put everyone before me and was always glad to do it and thought I was balancing it well. Then you tell me I wasn't that I wasn't there for you, I worked too much, I didn't make dinner, I didn't stay in shape. WHEN do I have time when I was working 12-16 hours a day??? You weren't there for me then when I counted on you so how do I KNOW you will be there always?" 

I don't know the answer, neither did he. He reacted well and said all I can do is promise you, and show you. 

But like you I wonder if its too late. I didn't deserve what he did to me, and clearly I'm not coping well with it. There are times when I think, its broken and I don't want him to fix it. I want a chance to have someone who will not ever do this to me. You can't take back what is done. All I can do though is take one day at a time. I have healed a lot and time does make it easier so I hang on... because I do love him.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

AZ...you are doing fine. Give yourself a hug. I think your dh is really trying. You two are building a new marriage, it will be a stronger marriage and you two will be closer - people get closer when they go through fire together and survive.

Like you said, you have issues when you get tired and stressed. When you feel the stress building, perhaps you could build yourself a "response" such as running off to take a "cool" shower. Let dh KNOW that is why you are running off...because it is starting to build.

He must feel like a complete ass.

Hugs to you, pat on the back. Hang in there.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Sandy, it was really nice to read your encouraging words today. Actually, it was just what the doctor ordered. Our three year old started asking where her friend, the ex-nanny, was. I really felt my anger build and really wanted to tell her that her "friend" was evil and never ever coming back and that she tried to ruin our family, etc., etc. However, I also know what happened is not our daughter's fault and she was extremely fond of her nanny. The last thing I want to do is create a hostile environment for her and make her hurt for something that her father and I have done. So I bit my tongue and smiled and said that we have friends that come and go and thankfully we have new friends that she'll grow to adore and love. Of course, inside I'm so hurt that this happened and had a angry moment but was able to jump over that hurdle I think in a positive way.

We are working on our marriage and communication daily and I guess this is what being married is all about. "The good and the bad." If we weren't married, I would've bolted. However, I do believe in our vows and will do what I can to work through the "bad" while keeping my head up and maintaining some integrity.

Oooooh. I feel like screaming though! I really REALLY do!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> AZ...you are doing fine. Give yourself a hug. I think your dh is really trying. You two are building a new marriage, it will be a stronger marriage and you two will be closer - people get closer when they go through fire together and survive.
> 
> Like you said, you have issues when you get tired and stressed. When you feel the stress building, perhaps you could build yourself a "response" such as running off to take a "cool" shower. Let dh KNOW that is why you are running off...because it is starting to build.
> 
> ...


Thank you! Didn't mean to hijack this thread but your words of encouragement really helped me.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

heartysoul said:


> ...Our three year old started asking where her friend, the ex-nanny, was. I really felt my anger build and really wanted to tell her that her "friend" was evil and never ever coming back and that she tried to ruin our family, etc., etc....


I can relate to this. My children are 10 and 4. My 10 year old picked up on some things before even I did....I don't think she knew what the signals were but she started writing me letters telling me she wanted this OW away from our family. They used to be so close but then the OW started treating her badly. I put my foot down, told DH its one thing if he's disrepecting me but I will not allow her to disrespect my kids. I even showed those letters to my DH who didn't do anything. Just before I discovered the affair, I told him that I had the legal right to keep whomever I wanted from my kids, if he was going to exercise poor judgement I would get intervention in the form of a court order and I would go speak to her family to see if they would give me some help. That stopped him, and she stayed away. 

My 4 year old, God bless his little soul. Had no idea what was going on, but only knew mommy didn't want her over so he's my little protector. He marched right up to her and told her to leave his family alone. So sad though that the kids get hurt like this. It makes me angry at him, not for my sake but theirs..he was so stupid. He knows it now but can't role back time.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I greatly admire parents who can SEE the situation from the eyes of a child. A three year old only sees that she/he misses the person who was there for her....regardless of the fact the nanny was a snake when it came to boundaries of someone else's marriage. Your ability to smile and just explain so well was just wonderful, that was perfect of you. Good mom!

My dh and I were in divorce court for THREE very long years. It was THE custody battle from hell and he got our two kids 4 & 6 simply because he had more money to keep going ON and ON and ON. These kids had to go through THREE custody evaluations - do you know what custody evaluations can be like? It was just so uncalled for....he got custody but TWO of the THREE evals were in my favor and both evals stated my dh needed parenting "lessons" AND to cut his hours so that he would be in town MORE than 12 days a month to care for them. He even moved his parents into our home.

It put our children through HELL (his mother and father trashed me big time) and I FINALLY just tossed in the towel and went back to him TOTALLY because of the PAIN the children were being put through children. I could have borrowed more money, whatever but I just could not take any more.

The day I tossed in the towel my ds was entering first grade and my dh could not keep in from running away from school, my ds ran down the streets screaming for ME  and my dh would not allow me to come help. My dh also kept my kids from me on Mother's Day - twice. He had control as he was "primary" custodian and had $$$.

SO I just caved. I could not stand the pain of my kids! I went back...and he told me several years later: "I knew I could get you back if I got the kids..." 

He USED our kids. He didn't want THEM, he just wanted me back. I just wanted my kids to grow up normal.

And they are. And I kNEW they would migrate to the parent the preferred and knew always look out for their best interest...

me. They are with me and call me and consult me 100 times more than their Dad. 

:smthumbup:You can't fool kids


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Aaagh! Hi Support Team!

I am having such a hard weekend. Nothing has triggered my sad and angry feelings except for the hurt inside. I thought I was doing great but I feel like I was hit by a dump truck yesterday. My husband has been great, the kids are silly and fun, but I just feel like crying. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity and wondering if I can really get over what my husband did. 

How do I ever trust him again? I feel like I have to get to know him all over again but don't know if I want to. I'm worried about the next time we have communication problems or what if something worse were to happen, like an illness, how do I know if he'd even stay to get through it or seek out another emotional relationship. 

I don't want to find myself five years from now wondering the same things and feeling sad. The worst part is I don't even know how to really talk to him about how I'm feeling because I can't fully figure it out myself. 

I just keep looking at him and wondering if there's any truth in him at all. Before the affair he never lied to me, or so I thought. How do I really know?

Thanks for listening to me babble. I'm glad I can come here to try to straighten out my thoughts. I'm just so so sad.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

heartysoul said:


> Aaagh! Hi Support Team!
> 
> I am having such a hard weekend. Nothing has triggered my sad and angry feelings except for the hurt inside. I thought I was doing great but I feel like I was hit by a dump truck yesterday. My husband has been great, the kids are silly and fun, but I just feel like crying. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity and wondering if I can really get over what my husband did.
> 
> ...


Wow! You just summed up how I'm feeling exactly. Its been almost a year now but I don't trust him. I don't think he's still having an affair but I don't trust that he won't walk out cause the going is tough. Kind of like "I did my best..." he's an avoider. I'm waiting for the repeat behavior. All I can say is keep trying and expect the bad days, and there will be good days. Its all part of the healing process and we're all here to support you!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Aagh. How do you guys hang in there? I'm so mad I can't stand it. Right now, I don't feel like making it work anymore. My husband hasn't done anything to ignite this surge in emotion except for the cheating. I just feel so foolish and can't seem to forget about it. I feel like I've fallen out of love with him and want to have my own adventures. I don't feel like it's fair that he got to have fun and then doesn't seem to have to face the consequences. I mean, he's talked to his sister about troubles in our communication but doesn't tell her the whole story. I'm not close with her but now feel like she knows only one side of the story! Aagh, I feel like it's my fault and I know it's not. I want to break windows, burn the couch, etc. which is just foolish. I guess I'm just desperate to create some type of statement so he knows how mad I am!

Anyone go through this 6 weeks after?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Send him away for two weeks - or more. You need some physical distance and mental perspective. 

Your anger is justified but it is apparent that you are having difficulty processing it - and his attempts to move on and make amends (if that is what he's doing) feel to you like he is being dismissive of the damage he caused.

Seriously, tell him if he truly wants to salvage the marriage he needs to respect your request for some time apart that allows you to address your anger, and how _you_ want to proceed. 

Are you in counseling or talking about how you're feeling with your husband? 

Maybe it's me, but I get the sense that there is a lot of avoidance on both sides. I may be overlooking some of your other posts, but I have not seen you discuss what if any issues you two were having. You indicated initially that your husband felt like the two of you weren't communicating - and you implied that you travel for work. So, in hindsight was there anything happening, or not happening, that in your view could have set the stage for the emotional affair?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yes, girl...you both need to talk, communicate. 

Not doing so will ruin any relationship. 

He needs to talk to YOU, not his sister. 

But you both need a safe way to do that! Try the following "rules"
1) do NOT interrupt each other!
2) do NOT yell/scream.
3) it's ok to touch each other during this talk
4) Respond to the other's response, calmly!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

dcrim,
We actually do talk quite a bit, well, as much as we can with a three year old and one year old. We've actually been creating quite a bit of one on one time and things have been going great. I just get frustrated and seem to snap for no reason. My husband has been totally open to listening to my feelings and understands why all of a sudden something will trigger my sadness. 

We actually do a really great at listening and not interrupting each other. Neither one of us yell or scream, and that's always been the case even before the kids. 

I guess I just feel bad bringing up my anger every time I feel it. It's especially hard if I get the feelings while he's at work. I have always been a caring person who puts people's emotions in front of my own and don't want to bother him when he's working. By the time he gets home and we can talk I've gotten myself out of the rut so I think I do avoid the conversation from time to time.

It's all just one big confusing MESS!! And I absolutely am scared that I wish the roles were reversed. I wish I had been the cheater instead of the cheated. Is that wrong? This pain just hurts so bad and it's something I never EVER have experienced or even prepared myself for. Aaagh.

Good news is my baby is a year now which means I'm getting myself back to my pre-baby weight and mindset. I'm starting to feel like myself again and that feels great. I am a well-educated business savvy woman who had no idea what having kids does to the body and mind. It's nice to finally get everything back in check again!!!!

Have a great day guys!
Smiles to you!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Deejo,
I will take you up on your advice to take off for a couple weeks. A vacation would be a great thing and I would love for him to have time to think about how things would be without me around. I think that's one of the hardest things about all of this...my EGO. I know I am an amazing woman and great wife and am still shocked about this situation. I feel like my husband totally took everything for granted and I guess I'm not sure if he knows that yet. We are successful, have two amazing children and a great home. I do work hard but honestly it's so he can retire in a few years and be home to coach the kids baseball teams, etc., which is what he dreams about.

We have talked about the issues before he reached out to someone else. Obviously, being pregnant for three years was hard and we've talked through a lot of what that did to us and how hard it is to adapt to having kids. I have tried to slow down talking too much about work and focusing more on fun things. Our conversations are getting better and we do spend a lot more time playing games and sports like we did when we were first dating. We're trying to avoid the day to day rut and keep things fun! There are a lot more smiles in the house and I am starting to feel like I can be my silly self again. And he is understanding that being a parent is simply HARD and we have to work at it!

Now I feel like I'm just babbling so I'll log off for now!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Hi All!

It's been awhile since I've checked in. I'm having a horrible weekend. Things with the family are fine but I find myself questioning if I even love my husband anymore. After his affair, I realize he's not the man I married. I don't have nearly the respect I once had for him. My passion for him has died. I am so sad because we have two amazing children and actually enjoy the same things. I just feel the desire inside of me dying. I also feel myself still obsessing over the affair, no matter what I do to try to avoid dwelling on it. A song comes on the radio and I get upset. A story comes up that would've involved her and I get irate. I think about why things like this happened and I just cry. I thought the "blues" would go away but they seem to be coming back bigger and worse.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

It's perfectly normal. You are not that far away from this happening. And it will still happen years down the road. And yes, you will start to feel like you don't love your husband. It's the resentment building up. I could see it in your post when you made the comment about "He had this adventure and I didn't". 

You keep mentioning how things are going really good, but you just keep getting down on yourself. Do you think maybe part of the problem is that you get upset that things ARE going good? It seems like part of the problem is that your Husband did this absolutely horrible thing, and hurt you so bad, and it almost bothers you that things ARE good. You think that he should suffer more, that he should be punished for what he did. That after what he did, that things should not be good... and maybe you are getting mad at yourself because you are enjoying time with him and the family, and you shouldn't after what has happened. 

It's a weird thing. It hurts so bad, and all you want is for it to not hurt, but then if it doesn't hurt, it almost feels wrong. Like, "I shouldn't be enjoying this..." or "I should be mad at him" or "We shouldn't be having fun together"...

I mean, if you really doubt your love for your husband, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Maybe some of that time apart and things. But honestly, you will have those feelings for a little while. It can't be "all better" by now. And it might not feel like it, but the two of you actually sound like you are doing everything you should be doing, and are making out as well as can be expected so far.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

GPR - 

Thank you for the wonderful insight and help in seeing the situation with fresh eyes. I do think I resent that things are "good" and he's not suffering enough. When I'm around him, I feel like he's forgotten all about it and isn't sorry anymore. I'm sure he's just trying to get over it all too and obviously doesn't want to say "I'm sorry" all the time as that would be depressing too. I just don't know if he realizes how bad I'm still hurting. By writing this I realize as we improve our communication I just need to go talk with him about it. I love that I have all of you to lean on but also know he's really the one I should be leaning on. Thank you again for helping to keep me on track!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

heartysoul said:


> GPR -
> 
> Thank you for the wonderful insight and help in seeing the situation with fresh eyes. I do think I resent that things are "good" and he's not suffering enough. When I'm around him, I feel like he's forgotten all about it and isn't sorry anymore. I'm sure he's just trying to get over it all too and obviously doesn't want to say "I'm sorry" all the time as that would be depressing too. I just don't know if he realizes how bad I'm still hurting. By writing this I realize as we improve our communication I just need to go talk with him about it. I love that I have all of you to lean on but also know he's really the one I should be leaning on. Thank you again for helping to keep me on track!



What you are describing that he is doing is very typical of the guilty party. I GUARANTEE he hasn't forgot about it and he is sorry about it and does feel guilty, and maybe even scared. But a typical reaction is, if things seem like they are going good, don't do anything to mess it up. Don't bring it up, don't mention it, don't do anything that will remind you of it. You are happy now, and let it ride as long as he can. I do the same thing with my wife. If she seems happy, I'm happy, don't mess with it if you don't have to.

You guys will need to talk about it every once in a while. It will take a lot of time and some work. You will still have ups and downs. 

You will need to forgive and start to move on. Maybe not now, but eventually. But also remember, 'moving on' doesn't mean that you will stop hurting completely. Or you won't have moments where it pops back into your head. But that you will have to start to judge your husband by his whole, not this one screw-up. You will have to accept the fact that although what he did hurt you like nothing else, that you can't hold that against him anymore and you can't let it control you. And one of the hardest things to do, you will also have to look in the mirror and realize that despite the fact that what he did was the ultimate pain that could be brought on you, there are/were things that you can do better as well. Many people can't get to this stage, but if you really want to make it work, you will have to get there eventually. 

And those that can, oddly enough, will many times end up with a BETTER relationship than they had before, because this one instance will bring so many other issues to the surface that had previously never been addressed. It will force you to communicate in ways that you never had before. You will both look in the mirror and say "What can I do better". And you might come out the other end in a better relationship. It doesn't always happen that way, but it can.

And if it does help, again from what you have posted, you guys have done more things the right way after the incident than most stories you will read on here. I think you guys will have a good shot. It won't be easy, in fact, it will be hard and at times, will hurt like hell, but it sounds like you've got a great chance.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

GPR,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's nice to have someone say they think I'm on the right track! I'll have to read a bit more about your story and reasons for being on this site. You definitely sound like you have a great head on your shoulder. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Now I'm off to find "treasures" with the little ones....and hopefully a water fight!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

heartysoul said:


> GPR,
> Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's nice to have someone say they think I'm on the right track! I'll have to read a bit more about your story and reasons for being on this site. You definitely sound like you have a great head on your shoulder. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
> 
> Now I'm off to find "treasures" with the little ones....and hopefully a water fight!


Every heard the phrase: "Those that can't do, teach..." LOL

I'll be the first to admit I've had a lot of various issues in my marriage. I have never cheated, but I've done my share of wrong. My wife and I both have some issues that can strain a relationship, so I come here to get some advice on them. And while I'm hear, I try to return the favor.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

GPR said:


> Every heard the phrase: "Those that can't do, teach..." LOL
> 
> I'll be the first to admit I've had a lot of various issues in my marriage. I have never cheated, but I've done my share of wrong. My wife and I both have some issues that can strain a relationship, so I come here to get some advice on them. And while I'm hear, I try to return the favor.


:yay: What a guy....hugs.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

One thing I can add, is something my H said to me, just a week or two ago. He told me that just because he does not bring up his affair, or constantly tell me he is sorry, does not mean he has no remorse. He says that he thinks about it a lot, and is so very thankful that I was strong enough to stick around, that he KNOWS how deeply he hurt me, how badly he screwed up. But, that he is focusing on our future and learning to be the man that our family deserves, and that he can't change what he did, he can only learn from it, change his behavior patterns, and grow into the man I deserve. 
I myself had wondered what went on in his head surrounding the subject up until he said this to me. Once he explained it to me that way, I have not thought about it since, because I too, am trying to focus on our future together and not relive the past. 

It's a hard road, but it sounds like you have a good handle on things. Good luck!!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Mommybean - 
I love what your husband said to you and do think I've been waiting for that type of conversation to happen in our family. Did you bring it up to him or did he "out of the blue" tell you what he was thinking. Obviously, with two kids running around we never seem to have the time to really talk about it in depth plus when we do have our "private time" we've been pretty good about talking about everything else. However, it does still bother me on a daily basis. Aaagh!


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Hi Guys! I need your help again!
Am I just stupid and foolish? I had to use my husband's computer this morning and while I was there I logged on to check my facebook account. Well, as I did that the address bar showed the computer's history and I saw that he had visited the old nanny's facebook page recently. Aaaagh! It made me feel horrible. All contact was supposed to end and he swears they have not talked since I fired her. However, it appears to me that he at least searched for her on line. I brought it up to him immediately and he says he did not search for her but her name comes up on his account. This just really bothers me and makes me feel like getting sick! I'm sure he's curious about her and how she's been doing but to me he'd think about his family before logging on to find her! I also fear that one day he's going to tell me he does want to get in touch with her and see how she's doing. If that happens I know I have to pack up and leave. Is it foolish to wait until that happens. I so feel like starting over sometimes and just making the jump. But then I also made a commitment and do love him and want to work it out! Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh! I don't want to give up while at the same time I do!


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