# Need advice--- please



## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

My wife and I have been together 15 years. I love her dearly. She just accepted a job out of state and we were all planning to move. I have been a stay at home dad raising our kids for 6 years. The job is a high paying position and she is very career oriented. I caught her cheating a few days ago. The warning signs were there, I just ignored them. She had told me months ago that I could find someone else to be with from time to time but not to ever let her know- she wanted us to be together forever. We are both attractive people and I actually thought she was being really cool- she's out of town a lot on business. I didn't want to be with anyone else - even though the thought of it was pretty hot, when the opportunity came, I couldn't do it. I have been a good husband to her in all areas except one. That one was sex. I pressured her to have sex with me all the time. When I didn't get it, I pressured more- guilt trips and all. I realize that now after I discovered her cheating. She has decided she doesn't know what she wants in our marriage anymore and needs a couple of months to think about it. She says she can't live with me right now and doesn't know if she can ever let me touch her again- she said that cheating (2nd time-1st time we worked through it about 7 years ago) made her realize how unhappy she was with me and that she needed time to think. She wants me to stay behind at the old house with the kids while she goes away to work 9 hours away. We are not fighting at all. We are talking calm and rationally- I want to work things out - she says I'll never look at her the same way again and I can't ever trust her again. The guy was a fling not an ongoing relationship. She has told me the entire situation and says that for a while kissing me has been like kissing her brother. She says I'm her best friend in the world and I always will be. One minute she acts like she wants to work on things, the next its divorce. I'm distraught.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its statistically proven that women can't respect stay at home dads. Its biological.

Further more, your not going to accept that. Sahds have proven over and over here that they cannot get this. They like being sahds and they refuse to admit the logic. Someone posted a day or so ago how wives that are married to a sahd are three times likely to divorce than other wives.

Admit it or not , women want a provider, manly, mate they can respect. She was being nice when she said you were like a brother. What she meant was you were more like a hired nanny.

Download the mmslp book linked to below, it explains the whole thing. Women have a biological need to mate with the best male they can attract. A baby sitter doesn't cut it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, look up jerry123 and horizon's threads, they are sahds.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I hate to say this but being a stay at home Dad she sees you as her friend and care taker. You need to decide what you want to do. D or R not what she wants.

She needs to see you in a diffetent light. You need to take charge of your life. Tell her to get out and file for Divorce. Have her served at work. Who is the other guy? Expose the Affair. If she is telling you it was just a fling then it is more then that. She is following the cheaters playbook. Disclose as little as you can to your spouse. Tell your parents and hers about the Affair

When it comes to her back and forth behavior it is because she still is in the land of unicorns and rainbows with the OM.

You need to joit her out of the fog she is in. The only way that is going to happen is you make her believe you are willing to divorce and move on without her. 

I have said this a great deal you have to be willing to end the marriage to maybe save it.

Did your wife tell you she had protected sex well once upon a time she promised her self to you only forsaking all others. Well that was a lie. Go get checked for STD's

She is telling you to play by her rules and it is time to tell her you are playing by yours. Their is the f'ing door. Her playing nice with you is to make her plans without you. 

You have to stop being a doormat for this woman right now


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
you may be her friend but she is not yours. Don't lose sleep over whether or not she respects you as a SA H D. She is a wh0re. It is more important that you purge any remaining love or respect you have for her. And get rid of her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She says I'm her best friend in the world and I always will be.


*She is a liar*. 

How so? *Nobody* would cheat on their best friend in the world.

She has no respect or love for you or for her children. She despises you all. You and they irritate her.

You and the children are sheet anchors holding her back from her fantasy life as a young, free and single woman.

File for divorce and get STD/HIV tests ASAP. And get DNA checks on your children. 

The DNA checks are to set a marker for your wife. "See? This is how much I can trust you!"


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

The "you're my best friend" line really strikes a chord with me. 

Gosh I hate when I read this. My husband said this too. What kind of f'ed up thinking is that. Best friends don't treat you like a dirty doormat. 

Why do you love your wife? What are her great qualities you love about her?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

There are various theories you could consider. The stay at home Dad thing is one. I have not seen the statistics and I suspect it links also to what the Dad is like.

Another is the general hormonal make up of women. This link takes you to a thought provoking book on the topic.

Women's Infidelity

Whatever.....these are general principles and while patterns do repeat, each couple is different.

I would be I interested to know about the first cheating incident seven years ago, I wonder if it is relevant. Also when did your different levels of sex drive become an issue.

I am sorry, but I think if she wants to go and live without you in another city and is unfaithful already, I would assume she is going to be dating there. 

I would advise you to remove any financial dependency you have on her, because she is not committed. Love her or not, I would draw some firm lines. Decide what you will and won't accept and be prepared to institute divorce proceedings if she will not abide by what you regard as unacceptable. I just don't think it works to give ground here when she is refusing to honour her deal. Maybe by standing up to her you will cause her to think again. Or if she is already on the way out, you will at least bring things to a clean end. You cannot save the marriage alone. She has to want to as well. Sorry. I know that is not what you want to hear, but I believe to is a fundamental truth.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Its statistically proven that women can't respect stay at home dads. Its biological.
> 
> Further more, your not going to accept that. Sahds have proven over and over here that they cannot get this. They like being sahds and they refuse to admit the logic. Someone posted a day or so ago how wives that are married to a sahd are three times likely to divorce than other wives.
> 
> ...


So f^ucking drenched with truth I wanted to quote it again.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife is a serial cheater. She has cheated on you at least twice with two different men that you know of. How sweet that she wants to go to a great job 9 hours away and wants you to stay where you are and take care of the kids so she can get back to the single way....What is wrong with this picture?

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer to understand your options


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> My wife and I have been together 15 years. I love her dearly. She just accepted a job out of state and we were all planning to move. I have been a stay at home dad raising our kids for 6 years. The job is a high paying position and she is very career oriented. I caught her cheating a few days ago. The warning signs were there, I just ignored them. She had told me months ago that I could find someone else to be with from time to time but not to ever let her know- she wanted us to be together forever. We are both attractive people and I actually thought she was being really cool- she's out of town a lot on business. I didn't want to be with anyone else - even though the thought of it was pretty hot, when the opportunity came, I couldn't do it. I have been a good husband to her in all areas except one. That one was sex. I pressured her to have sex with me all the time. When I didn't get it, I pressured more- guilt trips and all. I realize that now after I discovered her cheating. She has decided she doesn't know what she wants in our marriage anymore and needs a couple of months to think about it. She says she can't live with me right now and doesn't know if she can ever let me touch her again- she said that cheating (2nd time-1st time we worked through it about 7 years ago) made her realize how unhappy she was with me and that she needed time to think. She wants me to stay behind at the old house with the kids while she goes away to work 9 hours away. We are not fighting at all. We are talking calm and rationally- I want to work things out - she says I'll never look at her the same way again and I can't ever trust her again. The guy was a fling not an ongoing relationship. She has told me the entire situation and says that for a while kissing me has been like kissing her brother. She says I'm her best friend in the world and I always will be. One minute she acts like she wants to work on things, the next its divorce. I'm distraught.


IF you continue leaving everything up to her, you will lose everything.
Tell her you are done with her and go dark on her, get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately, tell anyone that asks you the truth, "my wife was unfaithful, with multiple men" get used to saying it. Get a job, get the kids a sitter, or put in day care.
If you do not man up, and find strength to stand up to her, then you will continue to be her "brother". While OM #3 is already lined up to make her feel like a woman.
Snap out of it.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Its statistically proven that women can't respect stay at home dads. Its biological.
> 
> Further more, your not going to accept that. Sahds have proven over and over here that they cannot get this. They like being sahds and they refuse to admit the logic. Someone posted a day or so ago how wives that are married to a sahd are three times likely to divorce than other wives.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I can't buy into that. My guy was a stay at home dad. Women always "awwwwed" at him when he told them what he did. Never once did I think less of him for it either. He stayed home raising our kids, pretty damn manly if you ask me. 

She cheated because she is a skank, his profession had nothing to do with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Sorry, I can't buy into that. My guy was a stay at home dad. Women always "awwwwed" at him when he told them what he did. Never once did I think less of him for it either. He stayed home raising our kids, pretty damn manly if you ask me.
> 
> She cheated because she is a skank, his profession had nothing to do with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
I pm'd jerry123 awhile back and he is doing great.

Basically he stopped putting up with her sh!t and was ready to divorce.
She had a big wake up call.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

your wife rolled over you with a steam roller. she is having a blast with all the new fun wonderful things and other men she is doing.

you begged for sex? were you a sex crazy maniac, or did she only "give it to you" on her terms? im betting the latter.

you wife needs a serious wake up call beyond belief. this is the place to find out how to do that.

good luck, this will be very revealing to you about how much your wife has changed from the person you married. sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

x598 said:


> your wife rolled over you with a steam roller. she is having a blast with all the new fun wonderful things and other men she is doing.
> 
> you begged for sex? were you a sex crazy maniac, or did she only "give it to you" on her terms? im betting the latter.
> 
> ...


Get to a lawyer asap. Do not tell her just do it know your options as in are you in a no fault or at fault state ect


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And read mmslp it will open your eyes.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> I have been a stay at home dad raising our kids for 6 years.





Chaparral said:


> Its statistically proven that women can't respect stay at home dads.


I've said before if you want to hang around the den while the female hunts you better damn well be a lion. Pack your bags BW. Your history.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I've said before if you want to hang around the den while the female hunts you better damn well be a lion. Pack your bags BW. Your history.


maybe. her affair could very well be the end, but many spouses when faced with the realization of what all this means and does to her children do get a "wake up call", but only when you force their hand.

get aggressive. dont put up with her lies and manipluation. its your best way to get her out of the "affair fog" and she is in it THICK.

be positive. maybe through all this sorrow you are about to enter into, some even better will come along and may even WANT to be good to you and maybe even have sex with you

oh and one other thing.....dont let her for a second blame this on you. were you the perfect spouse? nobody is, including her. her cheating is on HER ALONE...........i can hear her now......"i was unhappy" or "you didnt care" blah blah blah, right down the cheater manuscript. the first real sign that she is unremourseful.

example of a remourseful spouse:
cuts it off immediately
letter of no conatct
changes jobs
unlocked phone
no face book
passwords to her email or any other accounts
im sure others here cna add to this list


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK I do believe there is truth about the SAHD thing and the lack of respect women have for such husbands - I have seen this first hand in my friends and family circle more than once - there are some strong career women here and their husbands are really not respected - more like employed!

You need to decide what you want to do based on these facts:

She does not love you and probably sees you as someone she pays to father and take care of kids (and maybe some nookie on the side)
She is going to proceed with her life on this basis and has boyfriends - who knows, when the kids are older, she may even fall in love with one of these boyfriends and then you are out the door with no references for your next employer
You are financially dependent on her right now and probably see yourself in a weak position (although you might not admit it to yourself)
You are mistakenly treating this as a marriage when it is clearly not
Her telling you to go and find some action on the side is extremely disrespectful, condescending and destructive (you really need to see this for what it is)

OK so now what you need to do (if you can):

Stop being a doormat and lay down what's going to happen next (but only once you have your ducks in a row - see below)
Separate and protect your finances immediately. Lawyer up and get the best advice for you and yours going forward.
I don't know if you can, but find a job - this can be after the D but it will help you not only with finances but also self-respect and attractiveness to real potential partners out there
Start the 180 to help you heal and build yourself up emotionally
Work on yourself physically - never fails to gain all kinds of positive results
Decide how you want to handle the split and custody of children - lawyer should be able to advise
Make all of her extra marital activity as difficult as possible - expose where you can and make sure she understands that you are not putting up with crap
File for D and go go go!

Good luck and I really hope you manage to leave the ranks of SAHD soon.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

x598 said:


> example of a remourseful spouse:
> cuts it off immediately
> letter of no conatct
> changes jobs
> ...


I think example of an soon to be ex-spouse would be more in line with reality in this case. My advise is get a lawyer and get a job.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

If you show her you don't need her. She'll want you.

File for D, start looking for work. Maybe some women do like SAHD's but your wife abuses your situation. Don't let her. Take control of your life.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> *She* had told me months ago that I could find someone else to be with from time to time but not to ever let her know-* she *wanted us to be together forever. *She* has decided she doesn't know what she wants in our marriage anymore and needs a couple of months to think about it. *She* says she can't live with me right now and doesn't know if she can ever let me touch her again- *she* said that cheating made her realize how unhappy she was with me and that she needed time to think. *She* wants me to stay behind at the old house with the kids while she goes away to work 9 hours away.
> * She* has told me the entire situation and says that for a while kissing me has been like kissing her brother. *She* says I'm her best friend in the world and I always will be. One minute she acts like she wants to work on things, the next its divorce. I'm distraught.


WOW! Never seen soo many " *SHE* " before......

WHAT ABOUT YOU?????

*YOU* SHOULD HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF
*YOU* SHOULD NOT BE OK FOR GIVING HER THE OK TO FXCK AROUND AND GARANTE THE SONS AND THE HOUSEHOLD
*YOU* BETTER START TO SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO YOU!!

If I was you I would simply say: Honey.... I'm finding a job for myself and planning to talk to a lawyer, I need a loving wife and not a cheating bxtxch who wants to be a ****holder friend!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Sorry, I can't buy into that. My guy was a stay at home dad. Women always "awwwwed" at him when he told them what he did. Never once did I think less of him for it either. He stayed home raising our kids, pretty damn manly if you ask me.
> 
> She cheated because she is a skank, his profession had nothing to do with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Your one example doesn't constitute a trend. Since almost half of marriages end in divorce, about 80% of those divorces are instigated by women, according to another op the odds a wife of a sahd divorcing her husband are three times more likely to divorce her husband than the average wife, how can you conclude that a sahd doesn't have a target on his back?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A hooker can touch several men a day. Your wife can't stand to touch you now? Get in touch with a lawyer today and show her what a betrayed man can do.

Hire a pi with her money to find her lover/lovers so you can throw them under the bus too.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Your one example doesn't constitute a trend. Since almost half of marriages end in divorce, about 80% of those divorces are instigated by women, according to another op the odds a wife of a sahd divorcing her husband are three times more likely to divorce her husband than the average wife, how can you conclude that a sahd doesn't have a target on his back?


Do you have an authorative source for the three times more likely number? Apparently 81.6% of statistics quoted on the Internet are made up. 

I suspect there is something to it but that it is not that simple.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Just google it, there are more than enough authoritive articles that back Chaparral's point up.



> Sayer found that a woman who was very unhappy in her marriage was more likely to begin divorce proceedings if she was working than if she was unemployed. Whether or not a woman worked had no bearing on the chance that her husband would leave the relationship, however.
> 
> Unemployed men, on the other hand, faced a double-whammy: they stood a greater chance that their wife would leave them and that they would choose to leave — even if they were fairly satisfied with their relationship.





> The findings fall in line with the current study by Ohio State researchers. “For men, not having a job increases the risk he will initiate leaving the relationship, and it also increases the risk women will leave the relationship,” says Sayer. “Men are still held to an older standard than women and penalized by employers and stigmatized if they are doing what’s perceived as women’s work.”


Unemployed Men Are More Likely to Divorce | TIME.com

Divorce Rates High For Stay-at-Home Dads | MA Family Law Group

Vicki Larson: The Downside of Being a Stay-At-Home Dad?

Stay-at-Home Dads Likely to Divorce

I'm not saying that being a stay at home dad doesn't work. My wife's brother is a stay at home dad and his marriage is pretty successful. But there is no way in hell that I could ever do it. Too much of my sense of self esteem / self worth is tied up in what I do for a living and what I do for my family. My marriage had to be a "traditional marriage" with my wife at home to take care of the kids through adolescence or I don't think we would have "made it". I'm not saying that what I do is for everyone, I'm just saying that's how it had to be for me. However, If some guy ever asked me if he should be a stay at home dad, I would do everything to convince him not to. I think if my wife were a career woman I would have had difficulties with it, especially because I have zero tolerance for her having a friendship/personal relationship with any other man (one of our marriage boundaries that goes both ways).

To the OP: You need to get a lawyer first, spending her money for it and start protecting yourself. Next, get yourself a job. After that insist that she make it her responsibility to start parenting again. She's trying to make you the "C" word and you can't allow that to happen. You need to reassert yourself into the man's role, make her take her her share of the responsibilities. She is having PAs and in my opinion, there is no reconciling from that, you have to take her to the curb with the rest of the trash.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Just google it, there are more than enough authoritive articles that back Chaparral's point up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You illustrate why I asked the question. 

The Boaton Divorce Lawyer Link is advertising for a law firm. There was a link there about stay at home dads divorcing, but it didn't work on my iPad. The other articles don't support Chap's point. They are about unemployed men with esteem issues either cheating or being cheated on. They don't address a stay at home dad who is not necessarily subject to the same issues, and they don't quote figures to back up "three times the divorce rate". They are worth reading but is is not as clear cut as this thread argues.


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

It it worth mentioning that I'm not a bum- this was an agreement that she proposed to keep the kids out of daycare- there are very few people in the us that are making more money than she does. I used to flip houses had an LLC and was active in real estate. I also day traded and invested in assets that we still own- we live in a 5000+ sqft house that I spent 14 months building- and I do mean building not just subbing everything- I subbed some but not a ton. She begged me to give all of that up so the kids would have me home with them instead of being at daycare. Both children were born all natural with no epidural or pain medication for their best start and I went through all the classes and coached her through both births. In my early twenties I was trained in culinary arts through learning directly from a variety of well known chefs as I would invite them to guest at the country club Where I was director of food and bev. I have continued to have her come home to Bouef Bourginon, chateau briand, wellingtons and a variety of other dishes. I wasn't just a stay home feed the kids and put them to bed dad- I'm a member of the pto- at school and until last year was very active in the church community. I was not just sitting watching football
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

You are missing the point.

For all the feminist hubris, traditional marital roles are what women are biologically hard-wired to respond to sexually.

Your wife is out in the business world, surrounded by strong alpha male types waging corporate warfare, making deals, and growing companies. Her husband is at home in a kitchen apron making beef wellington, folding her panties, and attending PTO meetings.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

BW1997,

You are responding to an issue that really isn't relavant at theis point.
I am sure you are a great SAHD and very capable in the workforce. You can choose to believe the observations of others or not that this increases the likelyhood of a divorce. At this point in time, your wife may feel she has the upper hand and is able to dicatate the terms of your "marriage".

All that aside. You need to reach down between your legs and find your [email protected], dude! You need to discover some self respect and protect yourself and your children

1) See an attorney NOW!
2) File and serve her NOW! (you should be seeking spousal support and custodial parent)
3) Separate your finances
4) Expose her to everyone that matters
5) Get into counseling to determine why you have self esteem issues that allow you to accept this abuse.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Bw1977 said:


> It it worth mentioning that I'm not a bum- this was an agreement that she proposed to keep the kids out of daycare- there are very few people in the us that are making more money than she does. I used to flip houses had an LLC and was active in real estate. I also day traded and invested in assets that we still own- we live in a 5000+ sqft house that I spent 14 months building- and I do mean building not just subbing everything- I subbed some but not a ton. She begged me to give all of that up so the kids would have me home with them instead of being at daycare. Both children were born all natural with no epidural or pain medication for their best start and I went through all the classes and coached her through both births. In my early twenties I was trained in culinary arts through learning directly from a variety of well known chefs as I would invite them to guest at the country club Where I was director of food and bev. I have continued to have her come home to Bouef Bourginon, chateau briand, wellingtons and a variety of other dishes. I wasn't just a stay home feed the kids and put them to bed dad- I'm a member of the pto- at school and until last year was very active in the church community. I was not just sitting watching football
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are not trying to cut you down, we want you to understand how she perceives you. Being a nice guy here is going to do you no good. You need to be an Alpha take charge guy. 

Do you go fishing or hunting with the guys, have a poker night? Probably not. Neither did I. not anymore. Take charge of this situation. If you want help read what we are posting. There is a cheaters playbook and your wife is playing it.

She also thinks of you as a caregiver, friend and not as her man her lover. You have to change that


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Bw,

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHD; as long as you are willing to accept the increased chance that your bread winning wife will be unfaithful. This board has been littered with stories of SAHD's being cheated on. Does that mean it happens 100% of the time? Of course not. But unfortunately it's 100% for you - and no one here is surprised.

My advice would be to start making a new plan for your life; which includes planning your exit strategy, and working toward living independently. Start the divorce process and implement the 180 to detach from her. That's the best chance for your wife to turn around and to save your marriage - even if it's only a small one. 

But more importantly, it's the best thing to do for YOU and your future, no matter what she does.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> It it worth mentioning that I'm not a bum- this was an agreement that she proposed to keep the kids out of daycare- there are very few people in the us that are making more money than she does. I used to flip houses had an LLC and was active in real estate. I also day traded and invested in assets that we still own- we live in a 5000+ sqft house that I spent 14 months building- and I do mean building not just subbing everything- I subbed some but not a ton. She begged me to give all of that up so the kids would have me home with them instead of being at daycare. Both children were born all natural with no epidural or pain medication for their best start and I went through all the classes and coached her through both births. In my early twenties I was trained in culinary arts through learning directly from a variety of well known chefs as I would invite them to guest at the country club Where I was director of food and bev. I have continued to have her come home to Bouef Bourginon, chateau briand, wellingtons and a variety of other dishes. I wasn't just a stay home feed the kids and put them to bed dad- I'm a member of the pto- at school and until last year was very active in the church community. I was not just sitting watching football
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 All of the above is great but it's all on paper in a way. What you need to do is put all this talent into earning income. 

Your wife if you don't know has told you that she wants you around for one reason. To be the baby sitter, her chef and her maintenance man. As far as being her lover, she has someone else for that job. Oh yeah, she says you can go out and have sex with other women as long as she doesn't know about it. BALONEY! 

She knows that your not that kind of a guy that will do that sort of thing, but she knows that so far, you have tolerated her cheating and as long as that's going to be the norm, then this is your life from now on.

My advice. Get a paying job, file for divorce and retain your pride because she has no respect for you at your present position as a stay at home dad. She's proven that already, but you haven't com to realize that. Good luck to you friend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you just hire an au pair if you guys have so much money? That way, you could go back to doing things you like to do and your rating with her will go up.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

We can make this a sexist thread, but what most posters are saying is true. Salary.com had an article that said 91% of men would like their wives to be SAHMs. Gender stereotypes, based upon this one small survey, have not really changed much. I have been in counseling for many years and honestly I have yet to see one healthy marriage where there was a SAHD. Personally I have not seen many, I have one Vet in this situation, but he cheated. There is a high chance of the SAHD cheating.

Whether we are right about the lack of respect due to you being a SAHD. Your wife has no respect for you. In fact she talked about an open marriage and you balked on it, but she did not. She told you in so many words that she was going to get some and not tell you about it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unfortunately you said it yourself---she makes a lot of money---you are a SAHD----that never made you a bum--------but in her eyes----where, are you at

She no doubt deals with high profile men, day after day----I am sure cheating is probably fairly common, in her circles, and I am sure these men she works with, have put you down, badly, made you look like not much, and now it is in her head

The 2 of you are not where you were when you got married---and unfortunately you will never look the same to her---and you will never, be in her eyes, the equal of the men she works with

This is not a put down of you, as a person,---it is a put down of the situation you are in

Your best bet is to probably suck it up---get a D, and move on----also fight like he*l and get the best deal you can in re: support/alimony/custody

Once again---this is not about you, as a person, it is about your position, and a comparison to those she is around day after day


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> She has decided she doesn't know what she wants in our marriage anymore and needs a couple of months to think about it. She says she can't live with me right now and doesn't know if she can ever let me touch her again


BW, all I can say my man is to hope you get your end of the equity in that 5k sq ft house you built. The writing's on the wall. My take is the couple of months she needs "to think about it" will be when she moves out of state, leaving you to tie up the loose ends. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out where it goes from there.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

wanna watch your wife melt down? since she is the bread winner (and apparently makes lots of dough), file for divorce.

go after the home. go after child support, make her pay YOU alimony, go after custody of your children.

this should be easy given the living conditions you have already been in.

find the best lawyer "her money can buy".

dont waver. time to step up and take charge.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Sorry, I can't buy into that. My guy was a stay at home dad. Women always "awwwwed" at him when he told them what he did. *Never once did I think less of him for it either. He stayed home raising our kids, pretty damn manly if you ask me. *
> She cheated because she is a skank, his profession had nothing to do with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are in the minority of women who think that way.


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

There is plenty of time for an attorney. I want to work this out, but I will not move with her (if she decides that's what she wants) and I will not mend this on her terms. If we are able to work it out it will be on the terms that are best for our family- NOT just the terms that work best for her. I'm willing to seek marriage council, get back in church, stop pressuring her for sex, and whatever else it takes, but I will not go back into a relationship without respect. I won't be the nanny, I will only be father and husband or just father. She will need to try- and she will need to start putting me and the family above her career- all that being said, I don't think she will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then she'll be paying you child support and you'll be free to find a better spouse.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

File now you can always stop it down the road if she comes around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Bw1977 said:


> There is plenty of time for an attorney. I want to work this out, but I will not move with her (if she decides that's what she wants) and I will not mend this on her terms. If we are able to work it out it will be on the terms that are best for our family- NOT just the terms that work best for her. I'm willing to seek marriage council, get back in church, stop pressuring her for sex, and whatever else it takes, but I will not go back into a relationship without respect. I won't be the nanny, I will only be father and husband or just father. She will need to try- and she will need to start putting me and the family above her career- all that being said, I don't think she will.


If you will not move with her, where is this going? Will you allow her to move without you?

Given that she has cheated twice (and you haven't come back with details of the first time yet) and she is saying she wants to be away from you, what do you think will happen if she is alone in a strange city.

I imagine the immediate future may look daunting. She has a lot of power. You need to reassert yourself, because if she is going to walk you can't stop her, and you need to be able to survive it for your sake and your kids' sake.

And you should read the links middleman posted. While I argues they don't support the statistic of how likely divorce is for SAHD's, they do have information you should be considering.


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

The first time was on a girls getaway - she was was on medication to help her deal with a work tragedy in which a bunch of people died. - it was all over the news, and rehashed for weeks. She was taking the medication and started drinking heavily and she ended up hooking up.- she told me and we moved past it- but I held it over her head and treated her like dirt for a couple of years. If she goes away like she is planning, she's leaving the kids with me- she'll get another dose of single life- what she does with it is up to her. If she decides that's what she truly wants- then there you go. If she realizes she making a mistake- she can come home and we'll work it out. I couldn't care less what happens to us financially- I told her the day I married her id live with her in a cardboard box.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So you are content to let the Boss make the decision regarding your future.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Bw1977 said:


> The first time was on a girls getaway - she was was on medication to help her deal with a work tragedy in which a bunch of people died. - it was all over the news, and rehashed for weeks. She was taking the medication and started drinking heavily and she ended up hooking up.- she told me and we moved past it- but I held it over her head and treated her like dirt for a couple of years. If she goes away like she is planning, she's leaving the kids with me- she'll get another dose of single life- what she does with it is up to her. If she decides that's what she truly wants- then there you go. If she realizes she making a mistake- she can come home and we'll work it out. I couldn't care less what happens to us financially- I told her the day I married her id live with her in a cardboard box.


no wonder she does what she wants. you enable it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I think the dose of single life will damage the future of the marriage. 

If my wife did that I think I would start divorce proceedings, to make sure she knows what I think of her decision. It's basically abandonment. And you can always stop them later, or remarry. 

It doesn't need to be combative. I would just be firm. "I am not ok with this. If you insist I will commence divorce proceedings." It would be different perhaps if she wanted you to come.

I guess you can argue that staying married leaves a link there that might draw her back.

But I can't see how a recurring pattern of cheating is helpful to your long term success in marriage.

Having said that, I guess if she told you about the first time unprompted, she deserved kudos.

Have you asked her whether the first time has been part of how her current feelings came to be?


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

I'm not- I'm making the decision to take control of me. I'm setting her free- I'm giving her exactly what she's asking for and letting her come to her own conclusions without me to help guide her. Does that mean I'm willing to be in the same marriage - no. In the same marriage I can't trust her, if she is willing to sacrifice for me, I can move through it. But there will be sacrifices to be made. Not that I'm going to put her through hell, but she needs to think about what is important in life... Her job/colleagues/money/prestige are not going to love her when she's 80.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Bw1977 said:


> I'm not- I'm making the decision to take control of me. I'm setting her free-*Setting her free would be filling for divorce and letting her know the status quo is unacceptable* I'm giving her exactly what she's asking for and letting her come to her own conclusions without me to help guide her.*You're willing to be her plan B. If she decides the grass isn't greener on the other side, you there* Does that mean I'm willing to be in the same marriage - no. In the same marriage I can't trust her, if she is willing to sacrifice for me, I can move through it. But there will be sacrifices to be made. Not that I'm going to put her through hell, but she needs to think about what is important in life... Her job/colleagues/money/prestige are not going to love her when she's 80.


Once again a BS believes that passively letting their spouse go about their plans will somehow help in R...  . Please get the book, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and read through the countless stories here of betrayed spouses who have followed the same path you have proposed to their peril. When faced with an un-remorseful spouse, the only real hope you have is to truly let them go and mean it. No spouse who respected you would expect you to tolerate this state of affairs. You inaction is merely confirming her impression of you as spineless and desperate.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> So you are content to let the Boss make the decision regarding your future.


If she decides she wants to go in a different direction than he does, there ain't a hellofa lot he can do about it. Women only stay with you because its in their interest. Ideally, that interest is because they love you.





Bw1977 said:


> I'm not- I'm making the decision to take control of me. I'm setting her free- I'm giving her exactly what she's asking for and letting her come to her own conclusions without me to help guide her. Does that mean I'm willing to be in the same marriage - no. In the same marriage I can't trust her, if she is willing to sacrifice for me, I can move through it. But there will be sacrifices to be made. Not that I'm going to put her through hell, but she needs to think about what is important in life... Her job/colleagues/money/prestige are not going to love her when she's 80.


I tend to agree with you on most of the above. I don't agree with waiting in the wings while she decides. She needs a "best if used by" date and know all along while she's thinking about her future, you'll be considering your options. Personally, I'm an alpha and she'd have to convince me she didn't mean that crap she said to you. I don't play second fiddle to anybody. I don't think I could get around her doing another guy.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Nope. No way. 

Divorce her. Do not even hesitate. 

And get a job bro. 

Seriously. How do you not WANT to have a job. I'm not saying that a career is what defines you as a man, but wow. Don't you want money lol. 

I just don't get the whole Stay at Home Dad phenomenon. It say's a lot about the state of the American male I guess. I don't get it, but to each their own I guess. 

But seriously, Divorce her. She doesn't love you like a woman should. Your just a BFF. She's cheated on you multiple times. And where there's smoke, there is ALWAYS fire. Trust me on this one. There's more OM than you're aware of. 

Your wife sucks. Divorce her. You will get primary custody AND alimony. Actually, your in a decent position from that standpoint. After the divorce is over, get a job and get some game. Workout, go out, learn something new and above all else. 

Be a Man. Be a Father. A father, that not only your kids love. But Respect as well. 

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bw1977 said:


> If she realizes she making a mistake- *she can come home *and we'll work it out. I couldn't care less what happens to us financially- I told her the day I married her id live with her in a cardboard box.


I sure hope you aren't giving her an indefinite ticket back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TheFlood117 said:


> Nope. No way.
> 
> Divorce her. Do not even hesitate.
> 
> ...


He had a job. Raising their kids, looking after their home.

And she cheated *because she wanted to*. Cheaters have a whole box of excuses, they just pull out the one that looks the best to them.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> He had a job. Raising their kids, looking after their home.
> 
> And she cheated *because she wanted to*. Cheaters have a whole box of excuses, they just pull out the one that looks the best to them.


Oh I know, it's not his fault. But his predisposition of not being employed made it easier for her to de-respect him. At the end of the day, it's all on her. He may. May. Have half of the problems in the marriage, but even that is subjective. It sounds like his wife his just a jerk and an entitled little princess. 

Like I said, his position is unique in that he should have a very high likelihood of retaining custody of the children. And based on the duration of the marriage in which is wife is clearly the predominant economic provider, I'd make a safe bet that he will be entitled to some spousal support. So I hope he makes his move and divorces her. 

I do not believe you can ever. EVER. Reconcile with a serial cheater. Just one affair is difficult enough. The only way to move on, is divorce here. But this is just my opinion. And subjective. To each their own.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Bw1977 said:


> There is plenty of time for an attorney. I want to work this out,....
> ...I'm willing to seek marriage council, get back in church, stop pressuring her for sex, and whatever else it takes,.....


This behavior doesn't work in your favor especially if she knows you feel this way. It's called trying to 'nice her' out of an affair. In other words, you want to play slow-pitch softball but she's playing hardball. 



Bw1977 said:


> but I will not go back into a relationship without respect. I won't be the nanny, I will only be father and husband or just father. She will need to try- and she will need to start putting me and the family above her career- all that being said, I don't think she will.


Well then, if your ultimate goal is to get her to recommit to the marriage you need to develop a fastball. Get a divorce working immediately... show her that if that's the life she wants she's going to have to pay the piper handsomely. And that includes a boatload of support and giving up custody. Don't flinch. 

Start the 180 for your own benefit (see my sig line) and stop being her best girlfriend/confidant. Accept her as the mother of your children and as someone you once knew - or thought you did. 

You can't make her want you - but you can open her eyes to what she is giving up. She won't see that as long as she sees you as little more than an excellent cook and baby sitter.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bw1977 said:


> There is plenty of time for an attorney. I want to work this out, but I will not move with her (if she decides that's what she wants) and I will not mend this on her terms. If we are able to work it out it will be on the terms that are best for our family- NOT just the terms that work best for her. I'm willing to seek marriage council, get back in church, stop pressuring her for sex, and whatever else it takes, but I will not go back into a relationship without respect. I won't be the nanny, I will only be father and husband or just father. She will need to try- and she will need to start putting me and the family above her career- all that being said, I don't think she will.


You don't seem to understand the reason for talking to a lawyer. Its a gamble, a shot across her bow. You will immediately gain respect, as in don't f#ck with me or I can and will take you down.

I don't know why you want to work it out. You know of two affairs. That makes her a serial cheater. What are the odds there are more you know nothing about. What have you done to investigate her? Did you trust but keep up with verifying her actions?

Research serial cheaters, they are intrinsically broken. Changing their stripes is just something they can't do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you put a var in her car, home office? Have you checked phone records, texts, emails, facebook, keylogged her computer, retrieved deleted texts from her smart phone, checked for a burner phone?

If you are believeing a short fling(hurl) is all this is about, you are being blind. Cheaters lie...........cheaters lie. They always down play and trickle truth the affairs.

What evidence do you have? Who are the oms?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

BW - I'm sorry you're here. And I'm sorry you're hurting. Please listen to the fine folks here because even though it seems harsh they really do care.

While PTO, being a great cook, and SAHD is a ton of work and makes for a great husband it doesn't necessarily make for a great "mate". A magazine will tell you these are ideal traits for a man, real life experience will tell you these are ideal traits for a woman. I know it sounds incrediblly chauvinistic. Just read the stories here man. 

Adoring and loving your wife is great. Just make sure a lot of the "traditional" roles are in tact.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

It really does seem like you're willing to let her go off to experience being boned by a bunch of other men while in the city, then when she's gotten tired of that you'll let her come back and keep using you as emotional support. 

I'm not against you letting her go off into the city. In a perfect world I'd like you to go ahead and file for divorce, maybe letting her win you back once the divorce is final. 

One thing you have to do. HAVE to do. Is start dating other women. I honestly wouldn't even wait for her to move out. The only way she'll stop seeing you as a brother is if she knows or suspects other women want your body, and you're willing to give it to them. 

You already have the emotional connection (or so you think), you'll never have a sexual connection again until you raise your sexual worth in her eyes. Start dating.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

File for D tomorrow and serve her at the work place. see her reaction and then stop the D or continue with it. At least this will give her a thought that you are not as much of a doormat as she thought you are.


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

No easy work, but there is nothing more rewarding than actively raising your kids Bw, you will never regret that time spent. The purported SAHD issue is a red herring IMO. It can never be known if it's causal in your case. And cheaters cheat, even on the most alpha.

Remove yourself from the game your wife wants to play, even if you want to reconcile in the strongest possible way. That means giving her the choice to completely commit to the marriage, counseling, etc. Or file for D.

Regardless, make it a priority to take care of yourself.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

jamjon said:


> No easy work, but there is nothing more rewarding than actively raising your kids Bw, you will never regret that time spent. The purported SAHD issue is a red herring IMO. It can never be known if it's causal in your case. And cheaters cheat, even on the most alpha.
> 
> Remove yourself from the game your wife wants to play, even if you want to reconcile in the strongest possible way. That means giving her the choice to completely commit to the marriage, counseling, etc. Or file for D.
> 
> Regardless, make it a priority to take care of yourself.


No one is saying the SAHD isn't a great thing between a man and his kids.

What we are trying to say is it is a TERRIBLE thing between a man and his wife. It isn't fair, but it's true. Women may ooh and aaah at the man who is good with kids and can fold laundry like a pro, but they are not clamoring to do the nasty with one. Women are NOT hard-wired to want that in a man as a lover.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Just google it, there are more than enough authoritive articles that back Chaparral's point up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





InlandTXMM said:


> No one is saying the SAHD isn't a great thing between a man and his kids.
> 
> What we are trying to say is it is a TERRIBLE thing between a man and his wife. It isn't fair, but it's true. Women may ooh and aaah at the man who is good with kids and can fold laundry like a pro, but they are not clamoring to do the nasty with one. Women are NOT hard-wired to want that in a man as a lover.


Take the time to read Midleman's links. It's not as simple as traditional gender roles. But being stay at home has definite implications.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jamjon said:


> even on the most alpha.


They only do it twice. The first time and the last time.


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

Well- I'm taking the kids down south for 10 days to spend with my parents tonight for our annual thanksgiving trip- she was planning on coming until all of this. 

She told me today that she wants to seek counciling in our marriage and she hopes that we can be happy together, but she also said she needed to find out if she could ever live with me again and to find out if she could ever want me to touch her again.... So there's that...

All of this continues to be on her terms- she IS an entitled princess. 

I am lazy and pressured too much for sex... That's why she says she doesn't want to live with me- she has no trouble with asking my advise and asking for my help-


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her to leave a forwarding address on the table.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bw1977 said:


> Well- I'm taking the kids down south for 10 days to spend with my parents tonight for our annual thanksgiving trip- she was planning on coming until all of this.
> 
> She told me today that she wants to seek counciling in our marriage and she hopes that we can be happy together, but she also said she needed to find out if she could ever live with me again and *to find out if she could ever want me to touch her again*.... So there's that...
> 
> ...


This may be the worst line I've ever seen here from anyone.. She's sadistic. Even worse I don't think she knows or cares that she is. 

Send this link..............Brooks & Dunn - You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone - YouTube


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Bw1977 said:


> Well- I'm taking the kids down south for 10 days to spend with my parents tonight for our annual thanksgiving trip- she was planning on coming until all of this.
> 
> She told me today that she wants to seek counciling in our marriage and she hopes that we can be happy together, but she also said she needed to find out if she could ever live with me again and to find out if she could ever want me to touch her again.... So there's that...
> 
> ...


I hate to say this, but I would suspect she just wants an excuse to stay home because she has a hot date.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I hate to say this, but I would suspect she just wants an excuse to stay home because she has a hot date.


You could put vars around the house and one in her car.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just have your lawyer serve her while you're gone. Save some dignity.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> I am lazy and pressured too much for sex... That's why she says she doesn't want to live with me- she has no trouble with asking my advise and asking for my help-


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution rests.

Wives DO NOT RESPECT SAHD's and DO NOT WANT TO MATE WITH THEM.

All the feminist shrieks notwithstanding, that equality is only achieved through role elimination, you can't expect a couple decades of Gloria Steinem to undo eons of biological reality.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bw1977 said:


> There is plenty of time for an attorney. I want to work this out, but I will not move with her (if she decides that's what she wants) and I will not mend this on her terms. If we are able to work it out it will be on the terms that are best for our family- NOT just the terms that work best for her. I'm willing to seek marriage council, get back in church, stop pressuring her for sex, and whatever else it takes, but I will not go back into a relationship without respect. I won't be the nanny, I will only be father and husband or just father. She will need to try- and she will need to start putting me and the family above her career- all that being said, I don't think she will.


If your old lady was all about the family unit you all wouldn't be in this mess.

I have only been here a short time but from what I have read on this forum, you better start looking in a different direction with regards to making a plan and working that plan.

I'm thinkin your old lady doesn't have the same agenda as you do.

And if you want half a chance in getting her to think twice you better let her go, distance your self and show her a different man.

If you want her to second guess her choices you better show her a guy that won't share his chick anymore...chicks dig confident guys and if for one second you think you can nice your way out of this sh1t your way wrong.

In short... the crap you have been doing hasn't paid out...has it?

Time to take a good look at your game plan and show your old lady you ain't one to be phucked with!

Your girl betrayed you...if any one wants to work it out it should be her......cuz from were I'm sitting you haven't done a damb thing wrong.


Pressuring her for sex..WTF... Dude, again you sound like you are as honest as the day is long.
Your old lady on the other hand can never ever say that! 


You diserve good things, and sex is just one way your old lady could have showed you how much worth you really have to the family unit. Instead you got shafted and now *you* are the one to "work it out"....screw that bro..your chick did you wrong!

You diserve good things!

I don't think you will get them from her anymore!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Sorry, I can't buy into that. My guy was a stay at home dad. Women always "awwwwed" at him when he told them what he did. Never once did I think less of him for it either. He stayed home raising our kids, pretty damn manly if you ask me.
> 
> She cheated because she is a skank, his profession had nothing to do with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry you cannot buy into this friend but you are the exception. All those friends of yours that are gushing with admiration may believe it is really sweet from afar but it wears off pretty quickly. How do I know? Because I was a SAHD for a decade who lived the illusion most SAHD's do until it was almost to late. I woke up one day and realized my wife had zero respect for me and that all the things I did to support us solely for the first half of our marriage meant squat at the end of the day.

It is the rare woman that wants a maid and butler at home moonlighting as a husband while bringing home zero paycheck. Give it some time it will catch up with you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Bw1977 said:


> Well- I'm taking the kids down south for 10 days to spend with my parents tonight for our annual thanksgiving trip- she was planning on coming until all of this.
> 
> She told me today that she wants to seek counciling in our marriage and she hopes that we can be happy together, but she also said she needed to find out if she could ever live with me again and to find out if she could ever want me to touch her again.... So there's that...
> 
> ...


BW allow me to be an advocate for you. You so far are just another one of the many that comes to this site and cannot take what those who have been in your shoes before at face value. In short they know what they are taking about because they have lived it personally and then hundreds if not a thousand times over on this board. 

Go back to the beginning of this post pull out the common threads in the advice given here and act. The first and most important being file now and take control of this situation. Put her on her heels and get her to wake up to reality. If she does not then you can move on and save yourself an enormous amount of time.

By the way if you have not figured it out she is making a fool out of you and you are allowing it.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

good luck...........you will need it. i cant give you advice because EVERYONE here has TOLD you what you need to do to have at best a 2% chance to save the marriage. 

so im not even going to beat this dead horse im taking my stick and going back home


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Guys I do agree to a point but some of it is mindset.

I'm going to pm jerry123 and see if he will give his perspective.

Yes part of is the limbic/reptilian brain but he can change this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

2galsmom said:


> I have read much Gloria Steinem and no where did she advocate SAHD's.
> 
> Remember the "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" quote, which she agreed with but did not say? It was actually Irina Dunn's quote but I digress.


Wait What!
Who?

His old lady is screwing around on his @ss. Whats SAHD have anything to do with his old ladies deciet?

Her betrayal was a choice and even if OP was the-guy that built skyscrapers, she was going to cheat! A SAHM cheater!

Sincerly,
the-guy with the cheating wife


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Wait What!
> Who?
> 
> His old lady is screwing around on his @ss. Whats SAHD have anything to do with his old ladies deciet?
> ...


It comes down to what a sahd will put up with.

Most of them have become conditioned to be doormats.

Little do they know they can do fairly well in court.
What's good for the goose is good for the goosee.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tom67 said:


> It comes down to what a sahd will put up with.
> 
> Most of them have become conditioned to be doormats.


It also comes down to what a SOB who risks his life every day several stories in the air will put up with.

Its Friday, if I don't wash off the foot prints off my back Mrs. the- guy will just turn me over for the weekend.

Sorry for the threadjack, I blameshifting on tom67


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> It also comes down to what a SOB who risks his life every day several stories in the air will put up with.
> 
> Its Friday, if I don't wash off the foot prints off my back Mrs. the- guy will just turn me over for the weekend.
> 
> Sorry for the threadjack, I blameshifting on tom67


Are you gaslighting me?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

turnera said:


> Just have your lawyer serve her while you're gone. Save some dignity.




:iagree:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BW1977

So you love her but you are not willing to fight for her?

So she has cheated on you twice that you know of but you will let her continue to make the decisions regarding your marriage?

You continue to treat her like the entitled princess that she is.

Why not treat her like your wife, mother and partner in life.

Why not give her the freedom you are offering her on your terms for a change.

File for divorce.
Expose the affairs to her family, your family, friends and her coworkers.

Show her real life consequences. She will not change or grow up nor act like an adult until she feels real consequences.

Sex or too much of it is not the issue here.....

She has been having plenty with others. Just not you.

And her affair was not just a fling. When a woman brings up the "touch you" comment or you feel like "her brother" when she is kissing you or your her "best friend".....

That means she has feelings for another man, not you!

Now remind her of the man you used to be when she met you and file.

Throw her out and let her go on with her great career.

Treat her like the fool she is and show her what she is losing.

Just maybe she will wake up.

Do not let her threaten you to keep her cheating and lies under wraps to save the marriage and family.

Those threats never work.

Show her consequences. And let her family know what type of person she has become.

Start using your balls. Your family is counting on you.

HM


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> BW1977
> 
> So you love her but you are not willing to fight for her?
> 
> ...


Like the old nike commercial
"Just do it!"


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

All the above....agreed! 

You really will not get what you want from this marriage by allowing her to do what she wants...especially when it comes to cheating on you. The way you are dealing with it, your days are numbered. Only a matter of time before she trades you in. And she may well regret it down the line, and by then it will be too late if she realises 1-2 years later. What you have to do is make her realise that now. And the only way is to show her consequences for her shi*ty behaviour towards her husband AND HER CHILDREN. 

For goodness sake, she has seen no consequences! The worse she treats you, you remain the same...'so be it, if that's what you want, let me know if you ever want me back....' Well, you give her the green light. So she walks right through it. Fine by you! 

How on earth does that show her that she needs to respect you and that she needs to look after you? How does she show that you are valuable and to be treasured? And why are you showing her that you have no value and you are worthless? ...You are not! Stop displaying this to her.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I Got the PM just now. Thanks because I probably would not have seen this. 

First of all, I believe it has nothing to do with you being a SAHD or a man working 60 hours a week to provide for your family. If a wife is going to cheat she will cheat. 

Go see an attorney and see what your rights are in the state you are in. You WILL be entitled to alimony and if judge determines the kids are better off with you you'll get child support. 

I only suspected my wife of cheating, never got proof. But I read MMSG and ran my MAP. I stop taking her crap and got the respect back. 


Your case if different. She's a serial cheater and will just keep cheating. You basically got the love you but not in love with you speech. You would have gotten that speech even if you were a full time working husband. 

Just divorece her and find a loyal woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I agree with Jerry123. This is not a case of a wife losing respect for her husband because he is a SAHD. 

This is a case of a serial cheater who never respected her husband in the first place. I will even go so far as to say this woman has no respect for anyone: not her children, not her husband, not her affair partners , and least of all herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Bw1977 said:


> Well- I'm taking the kids down south for 10 days to spend with my parents tonight for our annual thanksgiving trip- she was planning on coming until all of this.
> 
> She told me today that she wants to seek counciling in our marriage and she hopes that we can be happy together, but she also said she needed to find out if she could ever live with me again and to find out if she could ever want me to touch her again.... So there's that...
> 
> ...


How does having sex with another man relieve the stress that she feels when her husband wants to have sex with her? I know that I am just an old country boy, so I just must be dumb or something. You need to see an attorney when you get back from vacation to protect your rights. You don't have to file, but you need to protect yourself.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LostViking said:


> I agree with Jerry123. This is not a case of a wife losing respect for her husband because he is a SAHD.
> 
> This is a case of a serial cheater who never respected her husband in the first place. I will even go so far as to say this woman has no respect for anyone: not her children, not her husband, not her affair partners , and least of all herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I went back and reread some of the stuff on here. 

This is my conclusion:

1. The issue (the real issue) is the cheating and it happened more then once. The way your WS is dealing with this is just from the cheater's script and it has not ended.

2. The SAHD issue. This has to do with the possibility of "why" she cheated. I have expressed my view on this as has others. Cheating is 100% her fault. The main reason as the OP has pointed out is that she is an entitled princess. 

I think we need to focus on #1. She does not care a rat's arse about you nor the kids. Get your affairs in order, bank statements, all loans, bills etc. Prepare yourself for the attorney. Enjoy Thanksgiving with your family and kids.

Do you really need any more evidence? Do you want to spend money on VARs around the house?

You got enough. If you feel you don't then bug the house.

File for D. And please stop with the "I'll take her back" stuff. There may be time for that, but right now you need a mentality of this is enough.


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## helpandadvice (Sep 13, 2013)

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE ADVICE ON HERE. I DID NOT AND IT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME SO MUCH PAIN.

Read my thread ... I am about 6 months ahead of you. She does not care one bit for you right now. Expose this to everyone and I mean everyone. That is the only way the affairs will stop. File for divorce immediately. You do not have to follow through but she needs to know you mean business.

This is in no way your fault. She could deal with these problems in a million different ways.

I pressured my ex for sex all the time. All my buddies do the same thing to. Men need sex and do not feel bad for that. We all do the same thing and you are no different. Do not feel like that is your fault or an excuse for how she is acting.

She has no consequences for what she is doing and does not care how much pain she is causing. Expose all of this now to everyone. I promise it will change something. I t may not fix marriage, but stop her little fantasy world where she is an entitled princess.

Sorry you are her, but can't stress enough about the advice on TAM. Please listen ... I did not listen to everything. Wish I did and hopefully you are not saying the same thing in 6 months like I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

The OP checked out on 11/22. Not sure if he is coming back.

Hopefully he will come back after being in limbo with his cake eater wife for a few months finally makes him wake up.

Oh well......


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> I am lazy and pressured too much for sex... That's why she says she doesn't want to live with me- she has no trouble with asking my advise and asking for my help-


I know this is hard and terrible, but really? You should have left the first time she fed you this line. She can give it up to "strangers," when there are no strings attached, but she feels pressured when it is her "best friend" and "husband?"

Tell her to give you the counseling money, it'll be money better spent.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I don't imagine he's going to come back here. He's soooo bata that I think his cheating wife will have to out right leave him, before he'll start facing reality.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I don't imagine he's going to come back here. He's soooo bata that I think his cheating wife will have to out right leave him, before he'll start facing reality.


Kind of sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Pathetic. Our ancestors are spinning in their graves with the lack of testicular fortitude in the world today.


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

Nope guys you're wrong... I'm done... Took some time to think, decided I was done with the bull**** and hired the best attorney around. We both filed for divorce after I told her I was done- I'm doing what needs to be done now with no regrets- time for me to start a new life with a decent woman who can teach my kids something better than the life she's been showing them through her actions. I see her like a stranger now- she's not the person I married- honestly if it weren't for the kids, I'd wish she never even existed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> Nope guys you're wrong... I'm done... Took some time to think, decided I was done with the bull**** and hired the best attorney around. We both filed for divorce after I told her I was done- I'm doing what needs to be done now with no regrets- time for me to start a new life with a decent woman who can teach my kids something better than the life she's been showing them through her actions. I see her like a stranger now- she's not the person I married- honestly if it weren't for the kids, I'd wish she never even existed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I stand correct and I apologize.

If she starts back peddling, don't fall for it. You've filed for D. You have until the final court date to change your mind/put the D on hold, if she starts doing the heavy lifting.

I know, doubtful, but I've seen "worse" WS's turn around.

Glad to see you're back here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry for the situation. Very proud of you standing up for yourself.

Good luck

Also, sorry for the 2x4s, so many come her in a daze, the lumber swings freely to get ones attention.


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## Bw1977 (Nov 21, 2013)

There's no putting it on hold.... There's no stopping this... There's no going back for me.. If she started doing the heavy lifting, it would only be a manipulation to keep from paying the alimony and child support I'm due. She's tried to claim I'm an unfit father and tried to take temporary custody- she's getting nasty and evil. Honestly, I never thought she'd be this crazy, but here we are - and I don't intend to stand by and give her her way ever again...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good to hear it, Bw.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bw1977 said:


> There's no putting it on hold.... There's no stopping this... There's no going back for me.. If she started doing the heavy lifting, it would only be a manipulation to keep from paying the alimony and child support I'm due. She's tried to claim I'm an unfit father and tried to take temporary custody- she's getting nasty and evil. Honestly, I never thought she'd be this crazy, but here we are - and I don't intend to stand by and give her her way ever again...


Very sad when you see the real person you married.

Her affairs show you just what an unhappy, immoral person she is.

Her post filing actions just re-affirm she is a bad person.

Get what you are due. Protect your children and even after the divorce never settle for her nonsense.

Have you made it clear to your families just why you have filed?

A cheater like her wants to hide her nonsense and terrible decisions. Make sure everyone knows what she is really like and just how little she valued her marriage and family.

HM


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

Bw1977 said:


> There's no putting it on hold.... There's no stopping this... There's no going back for me.. If she started doing the heavy lifting, it would only be a manipulation to keep from paying the alimony and child support I'm due. *She's tried to claim I'm an unfit father and tried to take temporary custody*- she's getting nasty and evil. Honestly, I never thought she'd be this crazy, but here we are - and I don't intend to stand by and give her her way ever again...


She planned to move away and leave the kids with you, and now claims you are an unfit father?? 

Take her to the cleaner.

PS: Yes I believe in equality.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stronger-now said:


> She planned to move away and leave the kids with you, and now claims you are an unfit father??
> 
> Take her to the cleaner.
> 
> PS: Yes I believe in equality.


:iagree:

I do too!


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

be carful if you meet one-on-one or she comes to the house have a VAR or a witness incase she tries to pull domestic violence on you.

It has happened


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What was the straw that broke the camels back?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Before Thanksgiving she was trying to R under her terms.

Has this continued for a month and had enough or was she still incontact with OM?


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