# How do I tell him I'm ready for Marriage?



## Heathy (Jan 20, 2011)

Hello All,

So I guess I'm kinda wondering how I should hint that I actually want to get married or if I should at all. I've been with my bf for over 2 years. We have lived together the past year. Our relationship is pretty easy-going since we are both easy-going people. Right now he just got promoted at work so we are looking into a bigger house to rent. I just feel like we are married already and when I introduce him as my 'boyfriend' during business dinners, etc. it just feels silly. I feel like he should have a better title than that. We both have told each other that we plan on spending the rest of our lives together already and with how easy our relationship is I really don't see anything going wrong. He's my best friend, I love him to death and I feel so lucky that we got together.

The problem is that we are still young. I'm 20, he's 21. We used to feel like we were too young to consider marriage. At one point we even said we both never wanted to get married or have kids. And I truly didn't want any of that at all. Our parents and family members tell us we'll change our minds and I guess they are right. I just hate when my parents say 'I told you so'. 

We both are of the very few people out of all our friends and acquaintances our age that can afford rent on a decent 3-bedroom house and still be able to go out on the weekends. We're of the few people our age that have decent careers. And we both are the youngest in our fields. I guess working a 9-5 with people ages 30+ has made me feel more like I'm 30 than 20. And I feel weird asking if I can invite my boyfriend to company events when everyone else is bringing a spouse or family member. 

It hasn't bothered me that much until recently. I swear, every night I either dream we're having a baby, getting married, or already married with kids. It's been this way for almost two weeks. I told him about my dreams at first, but I'm kinda embarrassed to tell him they are still going on. Any time the subject of marriage comes up I get pretty nervous. I have been bringing it up a little bit more to see how he feels. He has told me that he thinks we'll probably get married in 5-10 years. He's also went from saying he hates kids and never wants to have any to that he's not sure how he feels. One time a group of friends were talking about having kids in the future and who would want boys and who would want girls. He said he would want one boy and one girl. So maybe he's changing his mind too.

Anyway, I really jabbered on...but I just don't know how to approach the subject and tell him that I actually do want to be engaged and I would like us to get married in the next few years. I seriously considered proposing to him, but I Know him and he would much prefer if I let him propose. Or do you guys think I need to get these marriage and baby thoughts out of my head? If so, how do think I go about doing that.

Thanks!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Honestly, you're too young to get married. I know that there are some that have married young, and are still successfully married. Those are the minority, though. If your relationship is strong enough that you feel he's the one you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with, then it's strong enough to wait 5 years. 

You really want to make sure you're on the same page regarding kids. He might toy with the fact that he'd want a boy and a girl when talking with others, but he might just be playing "what if". That doesn't necessarily mean he truly WANTS children. 

If things are still going great in 5 years, then it would be time to re-visit the marriage idea again. But I'd really hold off on it for now.


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## Heathy (Jan 20, 2011)

Thank you for reading my post and for your opinion. And that's how I always felt. I don't know why I suddenly want more or where the thoughts came from. Anyone who knows me even slightly well would be shocked that I'm starting to feel this way. So how do I get rid of the emptiness? Sometimes I feel like my life has become too routine and I need the everyday challenge of children. And then I think about it and decide I prefer my freedom right now. I really don't want a kid now but now I'm pretty sure I might want a kid in like 6-7 years. He told me once that he would have a kid if I wanted to...but I would want him to want to. I choose him over having a kid and if I don't feel like it's both of our choice then I'll just stick with our four-legged children.

On the too young for marriage note. Somehow I worked it in my head that I want to be engaged when I'm 21. That way we have 2-3 years to save up for the marriage and I'll be 24 and he'll be 25 when we actually do. Is that wrong or dumb? My logic is that if I wait till I'm 25 to even consider marriage then I would still want at least 2-3 years to save up and then I would be almost 30...and I would like to be younger that that on my wedding day. What is the magic number to be old enough for marriage? When are you not thought of as too young anymore? Does anyone think a long engagement is a good idea for my age?

Also, I would like to add that I don't want to get married..I want to marry him. That saying that girls have their entire wedding planned while they are still preteens does not pertain to me. I know plenty of people who have that "insert groom here" scenario and I hate that some girls will just throw anyone into that slot. And when I was single I never thought about getting married, just having a boyfriend. 

I had also had a 2-year relationship in high school and it was nothing compared to what I have now. Before I got with my bf I thought all relationships had drama and arguing. It was all I knew. But now I know that relationships don't have to be that way. I also have been best friends with my bf for 7 years now. Even when we were only friends and dating other people he was important to me. I feel like if me and him don't work out that no other relationship I could ever have would amount to the chemistry and history we have. I feel like if something were to happen and me and him couldn't be together that I would be only settling if I were to find someone else.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

There really is no magic number as far as marriage goes. But it sounds as though you're both on different pages regarding the issue. You're ready, he's not. That is reason enough to wait. 
I just know how people change. The man you know now won't be the same man at 30. He will be shaped by the life experiences he's had to that point (as will you). 
You asked how to get rid of the emptiness. I guess the first thing would be to define WHERE the emptiness is coming from. If it's children only, and it's your biological clock ticking...are there places (or do you have friends) where you could volunteer some time and get that "fix"? You sound like a pretty smart woman...no doubt you know how much children will alter your life, and your relationship. 
I married at 24, had my first child at 25. I had 4 kids...the last born when I was 42. I look back and realize I knew NOTHING. I knew very little about relationships, about sharing space with another person daily, about adding another life into that relationship. 
It just seems that at 21, there's so much LIFE to live. So much you could be doing now, that you are going to struggle to do (or find time to) once kids enter the picture. As stable and successful as you both seem to be, there's nothing to stop you from saving for a wedding now. Just saving...period...would be a great idea. Yet another "leg up" on the situation, kwim?


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## Heathy (Jan 20, 2011)

Thanks for sharing. It's nice to see from another person's perspective that married at the age I want to marry. With the kid thing, I know we are on different pages. I'm leaning more towards a yes, I'll want them someday and he's now saying he would 'keep his options open' in case he changes his mind. I don't want a kid now, I know that for sure. 

Now that I think about it, the emptiness feeling may be more of missing my youngest brother. He doesn't know his father and I'm 11 years older than him. I have received a Mother's Day Card from him the past 3 years because he says I'm like a mother to him. From the day he was born until the day I moved out, I always had to stay home and watch him. It was like I was tied down already with a kid. I have two other younger brothers but I feel differently about him than the other two. Maybe I should push more for him to stay over on the weekends once we move to a bigger house.

I understand that our life together would be completely different if we added another life to the picture. But I really don't want that right now, I just want it eventually. It's more of an engagement that I am wanting now. I know we can live together fine - we've been sharing space together for a year now. And actually 1.5 years before we moved in together, I was roommates with his sister. We pretty much lived together then. We both slept in the same place, we just rotated between houses.

Like I said earlier, I know we're on different pages with the kid thing and right now that doesn't really matter much. But I really don't know how far we are off from the marriage/engagement thing. I was doing dishes last week when he randomly came in the kitchen and asked me what I would say if he proposed to me right then. I answered I would say no because it's not very romantic to propose while I was doing dishes. He said he meant like within a few weeks at a nice dinner or something, but I was already nervous and stupidly avoided the question. 

As for saving for the wedding now, it just seems illogical to save for a wedding if you are not planning on getting married. Also, right now we are actually saving up for a trip to Vegas and after that we have to save up for our dog's knee surgery. 

We usually never talk about marriage and when we do it is pretty brief due to the fact that it makes me nervous. The last time(and I think the only time) we had an actual conversation about us getting married he said that he knows that I don't want to get engaged until I'm 30...which is not true at all! I'm just too nervous to tell him that I would like to be married before then. I just don't think he knows that.

Thank you for continuing to read my post. I think talking it out has helped. I know I'm too young to be having these thoughts and dreams but I don't know how to make them stop. I don't think our families are helping either. My parents and his parents both got married at our age. His parents are still married, mine are not. I feel like that the clock is ticking for our families too. During the holiday season I don't want to mention how many times someone asked when we were getting married or when we were going to have kids. There is a pattern in his family, 90% of the people who have kids have their first one at age 22...and on top of that he is the only one that can carry on the family name. As for my family, I'm like an old maid already lol most of my family are/were teen parents. So I think I could be feeling pressure from family as well.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

That is REALLY sweet about your little brother. My youngest son (he's 10 now) is the youngest. The other kids are SO much older than he is (he was my big surprise). My girls were 17 and 15, respectively, when he was born. They absolutely adore him. It's mutual. I bet it would make your little brother's whole world to spend more time with his big sister. I know how important it is to my son. 

You say you've shared living space...but have you shared mortgages, car notes, etc? There is a different type of responsbility that comes with marriage. My SO and I just live together...so there were legal "bases" that we had to cover, since I plan on never marrying again. Marriage makes those legal bases automatic, lol. 

Honestly, I would just enjoy what is going on at the moment. Any future plans I would have would be thinking about my bank account, and how to make it bigger. Furthering my education, if I wanted. I have the benefit of hindsight vision on that one. When you get to the point of where you're ready for the engagement, and the planning the wedding, etc...that would be the time to tell him "I'm ready NOW". And see what happens.


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