# Emotional Immaturity



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

So a friend and I were talking about how her husband acts immature and can display PA behavior. 
She made the comment that he acts so childish sometimes when it comes to dealing with issues in
the relationship. Something I have noticed when I see people post about spouses being immature or behaving 
like a 5 yr old is they seem to have some of the same thing(s) in common. They had some type of abuse or neglect
In their lives growing up. Do you agree? Is that what causes emotional immaturity in some people?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think it's a lack of relationship experience. Some people don't learn how to communicate with others on an adult level because they're stuck in their teens emotionally. How they behaved then worked for them to get what they wanted, so they continue the behavior thinking it will work for them again and again. Dating can mature a person. You learn a lot about yourself that way. Well you should anyway.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I once dated a sometimes immature, often times passive aggressive guy who would have mantrums at the most random times. He was in and out of foster care his entire life. His father took off and his mother was (still is) batsh*t cray-cray. 

I think immaturity and passive aggressive behavior go hand in hand for the most part. It's like that little kid in school who snaps the girls training bra and before she turns around he becomes all la-dee-da-like. 

I will admit that I can sometimes be immature and PA. It doesn't happen often but it usually comes out in times when I seek revenge.... "OMG! Someone put carpenter tacks under the wheels of your car? THAT'S HORRIBLE!". 

 

And yeah, I had some emotional abuse and neglect in my past.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Many learn it by example from their parents. There is a passive aggressive thread currently active on this board that has a lot of similarities.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Emotionally immaturity comes with poor emotional IQ. My parents taught me to challenge my feelings with reality and not expect people to cater to my every whim. My father also said that don't expect the world to care about your feelings. Give yourself a good cry but don't expect people to cry with you. If they do, appreciate it, consider it a blessing and pay it forward. 

I have found folks with emotional immaturity issues especially the passive agressive/silent treatment variety of Aholes were not held accountable for unreasonable emotional outburts. They were catered to like babies so they found that behavior worked to get their way when their parent capitulated. 

Basically what I am saying is that parents today don't let their kids "burn their hands on the stove" emotionally so they don't experience the consecuences of bad emotional reactions and properly process it. Just because you feel it doesn't make it true. We need to teach our kids that. 

Look at Russian orphanages where kids are denied human interactions so they actually become developementally delayed. When you have uncaring parents or abuse, some of these kids grow up emotionally immature because they did not have good parents to nurture and teach them proper behavior and coping methods. 

My son the other day was extremely mad because of some toy he broke. He was very angry and I gave him some time to vent and sat him down to have him explain to me why he felt like that and to talk about it. I wanted him to really process the feelings and in a sense become comfortable with his feelings and express them in a less dramatic way. I also told him that its not correct to yell and show such ugly anger. He was all smiles a few moments later. Emotional maurity comes with learning to control your feelings and not allow them to spill over.


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

I consider my partner to be emotionally immature. He has a very hard time expressing his feelings and he becomes a brick wall almost immediately if I try to have a serious conversation with him. It feels like I'm dating a 12-year old boy at times. Our conversations never go anywhere. It’s very frustrating.

He has always been like that. I remember asking him how he felt about us in the beginning, and he would make comments that I was fishing for information. He would never answer my questions.

I've asked him in the past if he has ever loved anyone and he claims to never have loved any of his girlfriends, with the exception of the first one who he had while in high school. He says he's never said "I like you" or "I love you" to any of his girlfriends. I find that hard to believe, but I can see him being like that. I don't understand why his ex would have stayed with him for about 6 years if he claims he's never expressed his feelings for her. He has even told me that he wanted to break up with her within the first 4-6 months of the relationship, but it took him 6 years to be able to do that. I know she had a lot of issues, including addiction, so maybe they had more of a co-dependent type of relationship than anything else.

Anyway I also know that my partner's father never really treated his mom correctly. My partner has told me that his father would ignore his mom most of the time and just leave the room. Then his mom would drink to forget. He never had a good example at home.

I even remember one day my partner's sister asking him "so you haven't been treating her (meaning me) like dad treated mom, have you?" There was no response from him.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> So a friend and I were talking about how her husband acts immature and can display PA behavior.
> She made the comment that he acts so childish sometimes when it comes to dealing with issues in
> the relationship. Something I have noticed when I see people post about spouses being immature or behaving
> like a 5 yr old is they seem to have some of the same thing(s) in common. They had some type of abuse or neglect
> ...


I have aspergers so I am kind of emotionally defective but I try to tell my wife when I'm having trouble understanding a social situation.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Sanity said:


> I have found folks with emotional immaturity issues especially the passive agressive/silent treatment variety of Aholes were not held accountable for unreasonable emotional outburts. They were catered to like babies so they found that behavior worked to get their way when their parent capitulated.


Sanity, your whole post spoke to me and hit home, and I agree. Especially with the part I quoted. I think thats part of my husbands problem, he wasn't held accountable for anything growing up. I think thats a good part of why he acts the way he does, part of that would be lots of PA behavior, childish acting etc. I also think it has to do with part of why he turned to alcohol and became an alcoholic. His sisters and mother were/are pills poppers. As in that I mean, pills prescribed.

His mother always felt the need to pop a pill, for depression, anxiety etc. His father is also an alcoholic. No one ever talked about anything or wanted to deal with any issues. They all would rug sweep. His father loved the ladies and cheated many time in their 50 some year marriage and was never there, always working. His mother always just kinda looked the other way, and she seemed to be very critical of my husband when he was a child, and he always told me he felt he got the brunt of his mothers frustrations since his father was out cheating. Not physical brunt of things, but mental/emotional, and his sisters were older and off away at college. He is doing better, but its been a long road. I often feel I'm the one that has had to take emotional punishment from him, because someone didn't help teach him things properly growing up and now I feel the need to help undo the damage, because someone else didn't do their job.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I agree it can come from parents who don't hold their kids accountable. They do not teach them them skills and ways to deal with issues when things go wrong in life etc. And perhaps they have had way to many things done for them, and parents were enablers of not good behavior etc. 

I also have heard if a child is abused at a certain age, sometimes it can stop or slow down their emotional development, as in, they kind of get stuck at the age that the abuse happened. Thats also part of or can be part of emotional immaturity.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Calla,

I work in the mental health field. There is truth to your OP. When people are abused in childhood, it is very common for that person to become stunted emotionally at the age the abuse occurred. It is believed that this happens because the child blocks off their emotions to internally escape the abusive situation. It's a survival mechanism.

Unfortunately, unless the person who has been abused confronts it in adulthood and really works through it, they will often remain disconnected from their emotions because it becomes normal. Of course, it doesn't happen with everyone. But it is very common.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Sanity, your whole post spoke to me and hit home, and I agree. Especially with the part I quoted. I think thats part of my husbands problem, he wasn't held accountable for anything growing up. I think thats a good part of why he acts the way he does, part of that would be lots of PA behavior, childish acting etc. I also think it has to do with part of why he turned to alcohol and became an alcoholic. His sisters and mother were/are pills poppers. As in that I mean, pills prescribed.
> 
> His mother always felt the need to pop a pill, for depression, anxiety etc. His father is also an alcoholic. No one ever talked about anything or wanted to deal with any issues. They all would rug sweep. His father loved the ladies and cheated many time in their 50 some year marriage and was never there, always working. His mother always just kinda looked the other way, and she seemed to be very critical of my husband when he was a child, and he always told me he felt he got the brunt of his mothers frustrations since his father was out cheating. Not physical brunt of things, but mental/emotional, and his sisters were older and off away at college. He is doing better, but its been a long road. I often feel I'm the one that has had to take emotional punishment from him, because someone didn't help teach him things properly growing up and now I feel the need to help undo the damage, because someone else didn't do their job.



The problem is if he doesn't acknowledge his behavior all the lectures and boundry setting will be a waste of time. 

Let me ask you think, does he act this way at work with his boss? I doubt it because his boss would call his BS and offer a writeup. One too many writeup and its the unemployment line for him. Why does he feel he can do this to you? Does he feel like you won't "write him up"? Eventually, words from your mouth must transform from sound vibrations in the air to kinetic energy in the form of your foot buried in his ass out the door. Don't settle for constant childish PA bahavior. Tell him to grow up or move out.


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