# Toxic friend, me, and wife



## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

Hey guys, this is my first time doing this. I just am in need of some advice on where to go, what to do, anything!

So we will start this long story out starting 2 years ago.

I was 19, and had my own toxic friend. I spent all my time at his house playing videos games, which resulted in me neglecting my wife. I gave him money, spent my time with him, drove him everywhere. He pretty much had me convinced that being single was the way to go. I left my wife 2 years ago and looking back it was the dumbest thing I ever did. But there is more to this story.

During my single life, I didnt feel happy at all. I thought about my wife alot the whole year we were separated. I kept telling myself "things will get better, you did the right thing. You dont love her" How wrong I was. I realized she was the best thing and I threw it away. I realized my friend wasn't as great as I thought and I was his bank, car, and wingman. There ended the friendship and I knew I was used, but it was my fault entirely. I made my decisions and was selfish.

Skip to one year later (7 months ago). I was hanging out with the wife's best girl friend a lot. We never did anything, just hung out as friends. I talked to her about how I missed wife and I want her back and that I was so stupid to let it happen. After a lot of me and her working together, me and my wife got back together. All was going good. Trust was being rebuilt, burnt bridges were being repaired, it was going very good.

Then it turned for the worse, her friend started wanted her to hang out with more often, resentment with her friend and I began. My wife would go to bars with her friend, be out all night, and sleep over at her friends. Then her friend wanted her to watch her kid more and more often, taking more time away from me and wife. You guys see where this is going, right?

Now all my wifes money and time is going to her best friend. spending 2-3 nights a week at her friends house. They went to bars a lot. 2 nights a week, $80 a night (which wife always payed). Arguments started over this. I explained to her that her being away so much and binge drinking is making me unhappy, and I told her her friend was using her and that I knew from experience. She defended her friend, saying she isnt like that...Her friend is a single mom and needs help and she wants to help her.

Things were rough but went smoother. She spent more time with me, although money was still going to her friend causing me to struggle with bill. We ended up pregnant. Im very happy. Then 2 months in the pregnancy, we started arguing more. I told her that we need to start thinking of ourselves. We have a kid to save for. She still spent most of her paychecks on her friend. 

Here comes the separation. After a nasty argument, she seemed calm. Said, she was going to watch her friends kid and be back home the next night. She never came back...She hasnt responded to texts, phone calls, nothing. She is out of a job now and her phone has been shut off. She is a huge family girl, and her parent have noticed a huge change in her behaviour since 3 months ago and are worried about her. They hate her friend. They sided with me, and my wife hates it.

But back to the long story, its been 2 weeks now and all Ive gotten is a text saying she needs time to think and not to call or text her back. Im worried about her and my kid. She took all her clothes while I was at work and is now staying with her friend. There is a LOT more to this story. I just dont want a large wall of text. Her friend has 100% control over my wife now and Im worried about my marriage. I realize I hurt my wife a year ago. Badly, I think back and cringe about just up and leaving. I hate myself for it. But it seems like karma is kicking me back now.

Ill add more if you all want to know more...Its just a long story. Thank you guys for reading....Misery loves company..


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## RayV (Mar 5, 2012)

I hate to say it but I think you owe it to her to give her time, like you said you hurt her before and maybe she's just not 100% over it yet. But after awhile if nothing changes tell her this isn't the way you wanna spend your life and she needs to make a final decision or make the decision yourself. I know it's hard with a kid and everything but you don't deserve to live like that. I really do hope things get better, I would like to hear more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

I do understand I owe her the time. I more than deserve what she dishes out.

What gets me is how much control her friend has on her. A couple weeks ago, we had the first doctors appointment for the kid. But her friend insisted on being at every single appointment. Even the birth. I told my wife, no...this is our first kid, this should be an us thing. For just us to experience. Her friend just being at the appointment with us killed it for me. It didnt feel special, I felt like it was very intrusive on what I wanted to be 'our' special moment.

I mean, why does my wife have to give in to her every wish? I tell my friends 'no' all the time. Why cant she deny her friend sometimes? Like, "hey, unfortunately we cant go out to lunch, I have to pay bills". All her money goes to her friend. She has been way behind on her phone, cant afford gas, cant pay off the storage unit...When will she realize she needs to help herself? I dont want her realizing too late like I did. When you are left broke and alone and it dawns on you just how much you messed up.

It also saddens me to see how her friend is so important she doesnt make time for HER own family. She has her parents worried cause they havent heard from her in 2 weeks either. And she visits them every other day no matter how mad she was at me or them. I just dont want her to destroy her relationship with her family. Im guessing she wont visit her family cause she knows her family hates her friend and her friend is her only ride anywhere. Her family hates her attitude change. And all she could say was "if they didnt like it, thats their problem". Shes 25, I didnt know her 21 year old friend would give her a 16 year olds attitude.

There is just so much back story and information that its hard to know where to start explaining. Im frustrated, lonely, worried. This may sound dumb, but I feel if I could get her friend out of the picture she would change back. She did when her friend was gone for a month....she was back to the woman I married for that month until her friend got back and it started back again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"When you are left broke and alone and it dawns on you just how much you messed up."

Sometimes people do not come to their senses until they hit rock bottom.

I can see three things you need to do here. Protect your child and yourself. And help her hit bottom as quickly as possible.

Do you think that she is drinking or doing drugs with her friend? She’s pregnant and cannot be doing this. So this is very important to know.

Cut off all financial help you are giving her. If you have joint bank accounts, open one in your name only. Put your money in that account. Take your name off the joint accounts or close them down. That way she cannot write hot checks and expect you to put the money in the joint account to save her. 

If you have any joint credit cards, close those down or make it so that she cannot charge and have you pay for it.

Do not give her any money at all for any reason. This way she will have to start using her own money for herself and not her friend.

Look at the 180 in my signature below. Behave in this manner towards her. Let her see what it will be like if she’s a single mom and you are not there for her. That your only interest is your child.
You are now not just fighting for your marriage but for your child as well.

Here’s some reading for you to help you learn more about marriage and things to do…

No More Mr Nice Guy No More Mr. Nice Guy

Now it sounds like she is not having an affair. But what she is doing is a lot like an affair, an emotional affair (EA). I think you should treat it in the same manner. This book has strategies that you can use to end the ‘EA’ with her friend.

Surviving an Affair by Willard F. Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers Amazon.com: surviving an affair

Does her friend date and go out looking for guys? At this point I would question if this baby is even your baby. You might want to find out if she has been cheating on you. Asking her will probably not get you a truthful answer. So you might need to do some detective work yourself. (Don’t want to raise your anxiety level more but this is a real possibility.)

Then take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Read those books. If/when the two of you get back together you are going to need a good solid plan for repairing your marriage. Those books will go a long way to help you do this.

I hope it all works out for all three of you.. you, your wife and your baby. This is so sad to see a young couple struggle like this.

My 25 year old son is currently going through a divorce from his wife. I have a thread in the Divorce section about it. His wife is pregnant. She has no idea who the father of her baby is because she cheated on him with more than one guy. It’s a horrible heart break.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you need to make sure it is your child.

Staying out all night crashing at a friends.

OP this isn`t acceptable behavior no matter what you did in the past.


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

Thanks for the 180 info guys. Its really hard not trying to contact her. About a week ago her phone was shut off for lack of payment. I talked to her parents today and they are worried too. 

And im sure the kid is mine, we were actively trying in april. Problem is i dont know how long she plans to be separated for...its our first kid and i dont want to miss appointment. Especially the heart beat and when we find out the gender. Or god forbid missing the birth. Her friend is manipulative enough to convince her that i dont need to be a part of the kids life. Cause she was a single mom. 

I know its bad to think in worse case, but i cant help it. I dont want my wife living with her friend. Her friend is a single mom, no high school diploma or ged, works side jobs so she can spend it on alcohol and clothes, lives off the government, lives with her mom who is very much like her. I mean like mother like daughter. She yells and cusses at her 3 year old kid. Its like, im sorry you had your kid young, but its time to grow up! Youre a single parent, that trumps your right to party. I feel so sorry for her kid, and its so sad watching it. It also angers me knowing my wife looks up to her as a strong woman.

I would rather my wife hit rock bottom not pregnant. This pregnancy is a bad layer to add to the mix. She needs to start her job training before they dump her. She is almost 3 months pregnant now and needs to buckle down. The kid needs to be born with a roof over their head. In a safe environment. I hate living with my father. We were supposed to save up together and get an apartment before the baby came. The military reserves only goes so far...

And am i wrong for thinking that getting rid of her friend would solve this issue? Or is her attitude so natural now that it will be a part of her? Like i said, i saw her change back to herself when her friend was gone a month. It seems like she just copys behaviour. I dont want her to be convinced that her "best friend forever" will always be there for her and help her. Thats my job. My husband duties.

Another thing that grinds me is how her friend is the get away. Thats why i kept all arguments to myself. Cause when i brought up an issue, we would argue and she would run off to her friends house. I told her, no, stay and lets talk this out. We can come up with a solution and her walking away when it got tough was immature. I want her to act her age. Not like her single 21 year old friend.

I just want a chance to talk to her, but that wont happen with the highschool mind of ' dont talk to him, lets have bestie time'. So much drama haha. Anyone else had a wife or husband with the same problem? How did it get resolved? Mind you the wife is stubborn! Haha
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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I want to beat up her bestie so bad. My friend's wife had one of these kinds for support. Wrecked havoc on his marriage


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sushiman said:


> Thanks for the 180 info guys. Its really hard not trying to contact her. About a week ago her phone was shut off for lack of payment. I talked to her parents today and they are worried too.
> 
> And im sure the kid is mine, we were actively trying in april. Problem is i dont know how long she plans to be separated for...its our first kid and i dont want to miss appointment. Especially the heart beat and when we find out the gender. Or god forbid missing the birth. Her friend is manipulative enough to convince her that i dont need to be a part of the kids life. Cause she was a single mom.


Tell your wife that you want to be at every doctor’s appointment and the birth. You are her husband and father of this baby. Take a look at the “No More Mr Nice Guy” material. Put your foot down.

Tell her that you want to have dinner with her once a week to keep tabs on her and her pregnancy. You can do this with the 180. Just be cheerful (as hard as it will be) and concentrated on how she and the baby are doing.

Find out if your wife is drinking or doing drugs. Drop in to visit her at the friend’s house if you need to.. unannounced. Just be friendly and bring something like snacks. Anything to get you in the door to see what is going on.



sushiman said:


> I would rather my wife hit rock bottom not pregnant. This pregnancy is a bad layer to add to the mix. She needs to start her job training before they dump her. She is almost 3 months pregnant now and needs to buckle down. The kid needs to be born with a roof over their head. In a safe environment. I hate living with my father. We were supposed to save up together and get an apartment before the baby came. The military reserves only goes so far...


Of course you would rather her hit bottom after the pregnancy. But you are losing her if you don’t do something to get her to realize that this life she is chosing is not going to help her. Just be there to ‘save’ her when she hits bottom on this. Does she have a car to get to the job?

Make it clear to her that if she does not come back to you that unlike her friend, she will have to share the baby with you. You will insist on at least 50% custody. So her situation will not be the same at all. She will be without her baby at least half of the time. 


sushiman said:


> And am i wrong for thinking that getting rid of her friend would solve this issue? Or is her attitude so natural now that it will be a part of her? Like i said, i saw her change back to herself when her friend was gone a month. It seems like she just copys behaviour. I dont want her to be convinced that her "best friend forever" will always be there for her and help her. Thats my job. My husband duties.


I’ll bet that getting rid of her friend would solve a lot of the problem. Where would she live if she did not have her friend encouraging and enabling this behavior? As her pregnancy progresses and the baby is born, she will need someone to pay her bills and take care of her and the baby. Maybe that will be a catalyst to get her to come back. 

But how are you going to get rid of the friend? If you had money you could pay her off to dump your wife … kick her out. 
You could cause some kind of a problem where the ‘friend’ dumps her. Do you know any guy who would help you out by dating this girl for a while… have him move in and tell the ‘friend’ that he does not like your wife… if she thinks she has found her meal ticket she’ll dump your wife in a heartbeat. (OK that’s a bit much to ask some friend to do.)


So how are you going to get rid of the friend without resorting to violence… which of course you will not do.


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I want to beat up her bestie so bad. My friend's wife had one of these kinds for support. Wrecked havoc on his marriage


So what ended up happening? And it is a very sad thing to see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

@ elegirl, good advice. Ill keep that in mind.

I cant take her out to dinner cause her phone is off and her friend has a deep burning hatred for me. All she would have to say is 'dont have dinner with him, hes going to be a ****' and it would be over quick. She has no car, so she relies on her friend. As of now she is pretty much a free babysitter for her friend. Even more now with her having quit her job. She is so brainwashed it pisses me off. The one person she looks up to and she is being used. I know part of it is friendship, but thats being taken advantage of. 

I wont resort to violence cause the kid needs me for sure. Ive thought about it a lot. Vivid images that make me smile sadistically. But i wont, so no worries.

And no guy with a brain would date her friend. She is way high maintenance. She drinks too much. Spends money like its going outta style, enjoys being a bit*h (no seriously...she prides herself on it), violent and mouthy, and she is a terrible mother. She used to take my wife to the bars, blow money they didn't have, drove her amd my wife home (which pissed me off bad!), passed out, and had my wife take care of her kid while. She alept in until 2 in the afternoon. Great mom right? Not to mention she dates the most upstanding citizens. "But he's cute!", pshhh! Yeah and his long record is cute too huh?

At least my toxic friend didnt blatantly use me. Ill give him that he was sly. Her friend makes it obvious as hell and my wife is blind to it
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well so the toxic friend drives drunk. 

Does the friend do drugs?

You could turn her in for drunk driving and/or drug use. Especially if she is doing it around her child.

Also, if you want to keep in touch with your wife, the one bill of hers you might want to pay is the cell bill.


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well so the toxic friend drives drunk.
> 
> Does the friend do drugs?
> 
> ...


Her friend doesn't do drugs, but her birthday is soon so maybe an anonymous tip to the police would do. Amd i dont have the funds to pay her cell bill. 

Pretty difficult situation with more twists than m night shamylon huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sushiman said:


> Her friend doesn't do drugs, but her birthday is soon so maybe an anonymous tip to the police would do. Amd i dont have the funds to pay her cell bill.
> 
> Pretty difficult situation with more twists than m night shamylon huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If your wife has quite her job. How can she afford to pay for food etc?


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If your wife has quite her job. How can she afford to pay for food etc?


Her friend is on foodstamps. 

This whole thing spiraled out pf control
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sushiman said:


> Her friend is on foodstamps.
> 
> This whole thing spiraled out pf control
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her friend's food stamps are not enough to feed your wife as well. I wonder if she took your wife down to get food stamps?


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Her friend's food stamps are not enough to feed your wife as well. I wonder if she took your wife down to get food stamps?


I honestly dont know. But my wife needs to kick her to the curb. Quick. I cant have her falling back to the having 2 night a week party nights, blowing money on what her friend wants. I hope she learns quick. The baby is coming at the end of the year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried just going over there to talk to her?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Where do they get the money for the clubs now?


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

@ elegirl, i would go over there but her friend is a total beyotch. And since her friend is so mad at me, she can effect my wife with the same emotions. Its happened before. Her friend was happy with me, wife was happy. Friend mad, she was mad. Wife is in no way a lost cause, i saw it when her friend was gone that month. Her friend is just a good manipulator. I knew her back in highschool. She always had a best friend who she got to do anything for her. I tried to warn the wife, she just didnt listen. Her friend is like the troubled kid at a school and my wife is the "well my kid is an angel and would never xyz" parent.

@ warlock07, they got the money from work. Her friend has her own unsuccessful cleaning business that maybe rakes in 600 a month or less. My wife was making about 250 a week. Oh i loved it when she got payed friday and was broke monday...good times...well my wife quit her job and is jobless as of now. They dont do the bar thing. I know that much. But since our 2 weeks apart with no word, i dont know if she still buys her friend drinks. She is not dumb and wont drink while pregnant, problem is her possibly blowing whatever cash she has left on her friend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

So update, i texted her today asking if she would like to go to counseling with me. She told me no, its over brtween us, stop texting her back, i am welcome in HER childs life (wtf? Mine too!), but she wont go to counseling. She also said she is tired or my mind games and manipulation. Wtf?! I never played mind games! There is nothing mind gamey about me saying "hey, you need to slow down on the time with your friend amd spend more us time." Or "hey, can you stop blowing 90% of your check on your friend, we need it for the baby." I feel like her friend has fueled this fire to an extreme level. I try not to blame it all on her friend because my wife should be responsible for her own thoughts and actions. But its hard not to when her friend is the kind of girl who says "fvck him, hes an ass, you can do whatever you want he doesnt control you."

I talked to her parents and they are stressed too. Ive been updating them amd theyve been updating me. I guess she plans to get her own apartment. Problem is she is 3 months pregnant, broke, and the job economy sucks in this city. Its hard for me to find a job and ive been to college and have military background. Its hard for me to find a min wage job, how will she when shes prego? How does ahe expect to live alone and feed and cloth the kid? Childcare? Diapers? 

It takes both of us together to support this kid. Im barely making ends meet. It just makes no sense. It makes me worried for my child if she does decide it wont work out. 

Grrr frustration!!!
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