# Deployments have broken up the family household



## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

I am a retired military male. When I met my wife in 1999 we were both active duty. After we had our first child, I had to move to California but she soon followed after she got out of the Army. While I finished up the next 7 years to retire we talked briefly about her rejoining the military to finish up her time, 10 years. I was suggesting if anything, the Air Force or even the Coast Guard. When the time came for me to retire, the subject came up again but I wasn't for my wife rejoining the Army because I looked out at the big picture, deployments especially Army and Marine Corps.

Well bottomline, she's been back in the Army for 6 years now and is on her second deployment in 16 months. (see what I meant) Our kids are 9 and 15 and our son is a little withdrawn at times because of her absence. At times he dosen't want to communicate all his thoughts to me till after he skype with her from overseas. It hurts me because not only have I raised him from birth and always been here but the deployment stuff seems like it's hurting me emotionally also. 

She seems to enjoy being gone and not having the responsibilities of being home and being the Mother of the household. Why do I say, because it seemed like such a drag for her to come home and cook because she may not like what I cook. But I try and who's doing all the cooking now, me!! She seems content to keep doing the deployment stuff and I don't know if this is what I want to keep doing, having my spouse continually going overseas. We've talked about it but she denies that her absence affects the kids emotionally. My daughter seems fine but my son misses her a lot and of course I do. 

I definitely see the effects of not having a two parent home which is what we've always been. My hats off to single parents who do this on a regular basis. And to think there are many single parents right here at the base where we are stationed that do it all this time. If my wife were a true single parent with no one to depend on, I don't know if she would be so quick to want to go overseas. 

I had a talk with her before she left about deployments and why I had my concerns. Funny thing is my son talks about joining the Air Force Academy but she's trying to stir him away and encouraging him to go to college. My wife didn't have to do this after being gone from the military for so long. I do what I can to support her and always ask how things are going and talk to her about her issues while over there. Sure would be nice if she asked me the same. 

Maybe I'm just being selfish about the whole thing but I do know from the first deployment that I did not like not having my wife here to hold and to be passionate with. Just venting I guess! :smile2:

Sorry about the long post!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Is your wife's goal to have her own military retirement like you?

How many more years does she have left before she retires?

If the military life is good enough for her, why doesn't she want her son to follow in her footsteps?


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## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. Her goal was retirement but still has about 9 years to go. Good question, that is a little selfish for her to rejoin at her family's emotional expense but stir him away from it. I must say I am probably being selfish also because when she was really serious about rejoining, I looked out into the future to see those deployments she would possibly face and boy are we facing them!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

We're all selfish to some extent.

Maybe she is scared that her son may be killed if he chooses military life.

When she's home, is she happy to see you and the kids?

Does she take advantage to be intimate with you when she returns home?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well. Her family is not her top priority. You have said you are not ok with this but seem wishy washy about how you have talked about it with her.

Your kids are only with you for a very short time. You need to make it count.

Too bad you didn't establish this with her early on.

Damage is certainly being done.

I guess just be the best single dad you can because mom has more important things to do.

Maybe she will show up in time for grandkids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

Definitely happy to be home and be with the family when she's here. I think since my son is JROTC, maybe he now realizes what she is truly doing and where she's doing it. Yes she is intimate when home but gets really drained having to come home and cook even though I can do it. But it appears she looks forward to leaving and getting breaks. I hate the family structure has been disrupted. Don't seem like that parts worth it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

would your wife be willing (or even able) to re-class or request assignment to a part of the army that doesn't deploy as often? 

unfortunately, you are kinda stuck. your going to have to deal with it or leave, unless she can move to a more stable place. i am in a high tempo unit myself... and yea, the time away kinda sucks. i only get about three to four months home per year in my current position. 

im not entirely sure how my wife does it... but, she manages. 


how is your support network? do you have a solid hobby, job, etc? one thing that helps my wife out when im away on TDY or deployments is staying busy. hobbies, jobs, etc. and lots of family support. 
why does your wife serve? is it for financial stability(retirement) or for pride in serving her country? if she wants the financial stability, maybe you can find a way to make enough money so that she doesnt feel the need to serve? 

i recently re-upped for a tier ten bonus just for that... get enough money so that my wife could start a business, so that i can get out with a solid plan for financial freedom. could you do something like that?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Let me see if I get this straight. You are retired from the military. You wanted your wife to get back in and also earn her retirement but you didn't want her to go to war. That is what the military does. It goes to war. Yes, it sucks for the families back home. Most things about war suck. Where else is your wife going to get a 20 year pension? She's halfway there and God bless her, she's hanging in there. Odds are pretty good that you'd be happy to help her spend her pension. Stepping up to deploy is likely to help her advance (more money for you). Keeping a positive attitude about her deployments will likely help her stay sane and also help her career. Would you prefer she was suicidal while on deployment? 

I can't wrap my head around the notion that a soldier deploying is committing a selfish act. Because she saddles up and goes, someone else gets to stay home. Your kids are 9 and 15. Others have kids who are babies. Someone has to drag that duffle bag. You, of all people, ought to be able to understand that service involves sacrifice. Who should stay home and hold the fort down? A 40 plus year old military retiree or a 19 year old who hasn't been married a year and who has a new baby? 

For 7 years, you were the military member and she was the spouse. Your kids were much younger then. She had no idea when you might be deployed or how long you'd be gone or in what condition you'd return. You could have come back missing pieces, or in a box or as an official letter indicating you were a POW or MIA. She knew all that and married you anyway. She toughed it out for you. Now, it's your turn. 

As much as military deployments suck, we in the service and our spouses have advantages others don't. We know what being apart is like so we have greater reason to appreciate time together. We know our spouse can and will step up and handle business, remaining faithful and dragging their whole life wherever our job takes us. Most civilians have no idea what their marriage can endure because they rarely get tested.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You said in your first post that your wife rejoined to finish her remaining 10 years - quoted here.


> we talked briefly about her rejoining the military to finish up her time, 10 years.


However, you posted a little further down that she has been in the Army again for about 6 years and still has another 9 to go until retirement. 



> Well bottomline, she's been back in the Army for 6 years now





> Her goal was retirement but still has about 9 years to go.


I'm confused. 

Did they start her over with years to retirement? So, she served 10 years, needed 10 more to retire, got out, rejoined to finish 10 years, but somehow needs to complete 15 years? 

Maybe I misread something somewhere.

Either way, can I ask you something?

Why was it okay for you to be in the military and finish your retirement, but it's not okay for her to do it? You had children while you were in the military (at least one for sure), so why is it okay for you to have completed your career in the military, but not okay for her to do it?

My H is military. He is gone quite often. 7 deployments in 10.5 years. Yeah, our kids get sad sometimes, yes I get lonely. But you know what? That's who he was when I met him. I wouldn't change that about him if I wanted to. We learned to cope. We keep ourselves busy. 

Why is your wife serving? Is it because she started her career and wants to complete it? Does she have pride in serving her country? Does she feel it's the only thing she is good at? Do you need the money?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Hold on...before we go too far down the "you know what she signed up for" road, I think the bolded passage below may be the crux of babbles's issue: 



babbles said:


> *She seems to enjoy being gone and not having the responsibilities of being home and being the Mother of the household.* Why do I say, because it seemed like such a drag for her to come home and cook because she may not like what I cook. But I try and who's doing all the cooking now, me!! She seems content to keep doing the deployment stuff and I don't know if this is what I want to keep doing, having my spouse continually going overseas. We've talked about it but she denies that her absence affects the kids emotionally.


Being gone is one thing; but when a spouse gives the impression that they enjoy being away from the family, that's a whole different bowl of soup.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

unblinded said:


> Hold on...before we go too far down the "you know what she signed up for" road, I think the bolded passage below may be the crux of babbles's issue:
> 
> 
> 
> Being gone is one thing; but when a spouse gives the impression that they enjoy being away from the family, that's a whole different bowl of soup.


He went on to say that it does seem like she enjoys being home and is intimate when she is home. The only thing he mentions more than once is her not wanting to cook. Seems like an easy fix. 

When my H is gone, sometimes I get mad and think he enjoys it too. I feel overwhelmed with everything and I will sit there and be "jealous" that he gets a break from the mundane everyday life. 

But it's not like that for him AT ALL. It's not a break to go on a deployment. Sometimes the spouse at home, just sees a small portion of what's going on over there (if anything at all). The spouse at home is lonely, and sometimes becomes resentful. It's all normal in military relationships. 

The deployed member is working non stop (at least in my H's career field)...it's NOT a break for them at all. It's just hard for the spouse at home to see that sometimes.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

On the retirement piece, if any of her time was guard or reserves, it does not count towards the same type of pension.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> On the retirement piece, if any of her time was guard or reserves, it does not count towards the same type of pension.


Ah yeah. I thought about that, but he said they were both active duty. *shrug* Hopefully he can clarify :smile2:


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## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

I've read the replies and thank you much! First let me apologize for my long winded post. I was Just venting I guess. I do know the tempo of deployments because I've been on 3 myself. Only thing I was a single member and It was a little better to cope with single and no family. And not everyone was nonstop action. it Just depended on your job. My thoughts to my wife at the time were your 7 years older and you have an established family with 2 young kids like you wanted. I said to her, you know your going to deploy do you want that? Apparently she did and now it seems as though she enjoys being away. 

Now that she's in I do support her but things have not gone as planned for her career wise. Someone mentioned it could be jealously and being home without your spouse and having all the responsibilities. Normal and natural thoughts run through your mind. Another aspect is I've absolutely seen what goes on in those overseas meat markets with married members. Some people you didn't even know were married because they never wore a ring the whole deployment, didn't talk about their family, and hooked up real fast with someone! I definitely thought about those things.


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## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

staarz21 said:


> Ah yeah. I thought about that, but he said they were both active duty. *shrug* Hopefully he can clarify :smile2:



Yes we were both active duty at the time we meant but you know when you reenter you must reconstruct the Armed Forces Active Duty Base Date (AFADBD). Your time gets re-adjusted because you were off contract. There was no reserve time involved. Bottom line is, there's about 10 years active duty to go. You take the good with the bad I guess.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This is a very common problem in the military. When I was in the Navy, it was a terrible problem and caused many a divorce.

That said, the military is well aware of this and have some pretty good counselors trained to deal with it. I strongly recommend the both of you sitting down with a military counselor and getting this set straight.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

unblinded said:


> Being gone is one thing; but when a spouse gives the impression that they enjoy being away from the family, that's a whole different bowl of soup.


this is a difficult concept to describe to civilians... 

truth be told, i kinda like being deployed too, but not because i prefer time away from my family. i miss them terribly. 

things are... simpler on deployment. they are often more stressful, but in totally different ways. and even when they are more stressful, things are usually still simpler, for lack of better word.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

As'laDain said:


> this is a difficult concept to describe to civilians...
> 
> truth be told, i kinda like being deployed too, but not because i prefer time away from my family. i miss them terribly.
> 
> things are... simpler on deployment. they are often more stressful, but in totally different ways. and even when they are more stressful, things are usually still simpler, for lack of better word.


I guess the important part is to ensure that families are constantly communicating. The deploying spouse needs to reassure those left behind that they are important and are missed. Conversely, the family needs to support the deployed spouse so they can accomplish the mission.

I believe it's a different issue with those who constantly rotate out and leave their families behind when they don't have to (i.e., the perpetual volunteers), but that's a different thread topic.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> this is a difficult concept to describe to civilians...
> 
> truth be told, i kinda like being deployed too, but not because i prefer time away from my family. i miss them terribly.
> 
> things are... simpler on deployment. they are often more stressful, but in totally different ways. and even when they are more stressful, things are usually still simpler, for lack of better word.


I agree completely it's strange but very true. Of course some deployments r better than others but the fact is you need to focus on your immediate job without many other distractions. Stressful at times but simpler absolutely true


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