# When you have different ways of saving a marriage



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

OK...this is an ongoing issue...I've posted before, if anything this post is just another way for me to deal with all this.

So, my wife has said she wants to stay married. In the first couple of days after I caught her in the act, she was remorseful. Now we're more than a week out and she's gone back to "I need time." The time she needs is to "Find herself." and "To fix problems she has." She has had many bad experiences in her life before me. The passion we shared in the earlier years was incredible.

My idea of trying to save this marriage is to keep communication open and due to the loss of trust, make sure I know where she is and what she is doing. I gave her the opportunity for me to leave for a while so she could really feel free of me if that's how she felt. She said no. So I'm home, it's almost 10pm, her shift ends at 6pm. Because she's a supervisor at work, there's always the possibility of over-time. Also, on tougher days, she had a drink with co-workers. A couple months ago, I wouldn't be worrying at all. Right now, I'm driving myself crazy.

Why not call and see where she is? Well, that was what she felt as "Need time and SPACE." She says "Maybe you don't see it but I'm really trying hard and thinking hard." She's right, I don't see it. She could be at a book store reading, something she loves to do since it's quiet. But why not text me and say so or call me? If she has over-time she can't call from her office. There are security measures in place which prevent staff from bringing in their cell phones or using office phones for personal use. They also clock them in and out when they leave the secure area and if they are out for too long they get penalized. Crazy stuff, but that's how they do it.

If I call, she may see it as me breaching her "I need time." but at the same time I don't see how she can think I'm just sitting at home like nothing is happening.

I wish I could show everyone who reads this what my wife is like. She is difficult and always has been. She is different than most women I know, in good ways and bad. This would give everyone a sort of opportunity to dig deeper into my issues.

One part of me that is scared to no end is that she is in the 'planning' phase of trying to move out. She's setting things up so that friends will be there to support me when this all hits the fan etc. I really can't help but think that...

I've checked all her email accounts on her PC and her Facebook accounts. She has no clue. The only real area as far as messages go, that I haven't checked is her phone. Because she works for the phone company she knows exactly how to hide specific email within her phone. There are privacy settings. So, she could very well say "Here, look at my phone." and I would have no clue if she has made or received any email from anyone suspicious.

What I hope this is is simply a way for her to REALLY be alone to think. I keep hoping she's going to come home and say "Let's start making that family."...


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## picket fences (Mar 22, 2010)

While my situation isn't exactly the same, I've been where you are, with the other person saying they are "working hard" and "thinking" and whatever, with none of this being obvious from the outside. What this meant for my H, was that he was feeling stuck and caught and trapped and saw that his whole house of cards was going to fall down on him, he did not want this to happen, he did not want anyone to get hurt - probably, most of all himself - and he didn't know a way out of it, so he told me he "needed to figure it out for himself" and "needed more independence, to get some space and some perspective", and before I caught HIM in the act (in an EA-kind of way, fortunately they never had sex), he had even said that his next step was that he felt he needed to actually move out to get even MORE "space and perspective", but he had not put any firm date or planning into that thought. 

In the end, it was all a crock of s*** to buy him time. He didn't know what to do, he knew that in general a guy in his position was supposed to do SOMETHING, so he told me he was "working on him" and "needed time" and was "thinking things through". Nothing at all was ever apparent to anyone on the outside - not me, not our family who knew our precarious situation, not the counsellor we were going to. The counsellor even got to the point where she said that we might as well stop coming as a couple because it was "fruitless" since H's contribution was always "I'm working on things, but nothing is different yet", without being able to give more detail.

And, yes, I now know (from his own mouth) that there were times when he did not come home after work, or when he went out for a walk late at night, and said it was because he "needed to think" or "needed a drink with a buddy because of all the stress", but in reality, he was meeting up with the OW.

Now, with the fog almost completely gone from his head, H is able to acknowledge that the reason he just "bought time" but did no real work - on himself or otherwise - was because all of his emotional engergy was going into his EA - into the actual feelings of it, into the effort of needing to hide and deny it, into his legitimate feelings of guilt over it, etc. He had nothing left for me, for our kids, or for putting work into figuring "us" out. 

So, I guess this is a long-winded way of saying, trust your gut. It doesn't sound like your wife's bubble has burst quite yet.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Little things that are picking at me are: She's not saying "Love you." after I say it. She's calling me by my first name only, not by the pet name she's been calling me for years. Her text messages usually always included heart icons etc and always ended with love you type comments, but I haven't had a real text message asking me how things are going since all this started.

The Facebook...I am pretty sure that on our profile page it said "Married to..." and our names. BUT I checked the other day and it seems, on both our profiles, there is no name. It just says 'married'. I don't know if she knows how to change those settings or if I did something that changed it...but it's picking at me to. It's not like people don't know we're married and I'm sure if I brought it up she'd say she'll make sure to put it to married to me...but it seems so trivial a thing...but it's all these little things that are picking at my brain and I can't seem to focus on myself.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Similar stuff happened to me before I discovered the affair. All these things, like the change on the facebook page, set me thinking. She is just like all the other waywards. She hasn't given up. She wants another puff on the crack pipe. It is a slow creep. You have to step up and disrupt her. I see this as a couple of days away from you hearing her read from the wayward spouse script. Get Plan A in Place. Read more Harley on Marriage Builders. You have got to be ready and know what to expect. This is coming at you fast.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

We had sex yesterday (An attempt to see if Viagra worked on her the way it works with some women...and apparently had a moderate affect.) and then this morning as well. Yesterday I kind of had to push the idea but this morning was more her way of of saying 'Let's do that again.' without really saying anything at all. This made me feel better for some reason.

Last night, after many hours of summer cleaning she started to talk about moving out, as in all 3 of us (Her, myself and her mother) saying that the rent we pay now is quite expensive and that perhaps buying would be a good way of getting out. The market is cheap and our salaries are good enough where if one of us quits, paying the mortgage wouldn't be a problem. She talked about moving quite a distance from where we are now but closer to both our work places. It caught me off guard, talking about adding more to our relationship before fixing what we have. I decided to play into it and I do like the idea of getting away from where we are now. At the end of the evening I went to bed before she did. I asked her if she was OK and she said "No." I asked her why and she said "Now I have more to think about. The mortgage would be under my name (I can't ask for a loan in this country without becoming a citizen) and so I don't want to leave anyone with a pile of debt. I have to get insurance that would cover that." She finished it off with "I'll be OK. You go to bed." By that time I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I went to bed...but like I said, the next morning (This morning) she sent the signals. 

There still are things that are picking at me. Her lack of understanding that trust is an issue now so when I ask what her plans are for the day I would assume she'd be happy to show me so that I could have peace of mind. Rather, she asks "Why?" As though I'm questioning her faith...which I am but what do you expect. She discloses but there's no real way of knowing unless I have someone follow her around.

She mentioned early on in the time proceeding me catching her that she felt betrayed by the OM because he made it sound like it was all her idea and that she used words like 'divorce' 'separation' when she says she never said that. Why feel betrayed by someone who was looking at getting you, my wife, naked and into bed. Of course he's going to place the blame on you, he's afraid I'm going to kill him. She said she went to him to get advice on OUR relationship and that she wanted an opinion from someone OUTSIDE our circle of friends. So when she used the word 'betrayed' I said "I'm the one that's been betrayed by YOU." Why are you feeling betrayed by someone that either had no respect for you and me and was looking to get his rocks off UNLESS you actually said what he said you said and you wanted it as much as he did. 

She's been married once before. Domestic violence was the biggest reason for that ending in divorce. However, yesterday she said "I ran into my husband a few years later and he was married to someone else. I was happy for him because when I left him I felt guilty and sorry for him but now I know he's got someone to take care of him." Wait...you're happy that your ex, who use to beat your ass has someone in his life to take care of him? Are you saying you want me to have someone in my life to take care of ME so that YOU can move on or something? I don't understand why you'd bring that up.

I've asked her to open up and be honest about us and our relationship. Apparently I've disappointed her from the very beginning, although those weren't the words she used. Little things, things I would have never picked up on unless someone pointed them out. Had I known these little things were going to disappoint someone, I would have done a better job at doing better. An example: A friend of ours spent weeks studying for an exam he took, a language proficiency exam. When he finished, his wife was able to say how proud she was of him. I've never taken the proficiency test but speak to a degree better than him...but no test. So she asks me "Is there anything you do that you are proud of?" And I point to a lot of things I think I'm proud of. Apparently not what she was looking for. But it's these little things that others have that we don't...never what we have that is special that others don't. And since this was apparently something happening over the last 9 years, I feel like I've been constantly failing her when I thought I was wining her over. Before mentioning any of this she started off with a disclaimer "Please don't feel bad OK...but.." as if that would make me feel any less of a zero. 

Every night I go to bed feeling exhausted in every way you can imagine. Ever night I have these horrible dreams and keep hoping this is one of them and I will wake up out of it. Every day I try to find some way of saving us and with a word or an action she has a way of bringing the house down on me. If I felt somewhere along the way that things were bad and if I knew how she felt and felt the same way along these last 9 years I may not feel so much like a zero and I may have just said "Good luck, I'm off to be happy with someone else." But I never felt that way...at least not until now.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Did you say I love you to her today? Did she respond? Can you say it in other ways? 
Do the things that are positive. Don't dwell of the past right now. Buying a home seems like a positive step. Get involved. Support her. Suggest getting some listings from the web or newspaper. Sit with her and go through the listing. Talk about what you both want in a house. Work it together. Don't srgue. Don't be disrespectful.


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

It doesn't sound like she has ended contact with OM!
Have you been able to verify this? I'm sorry but her affection for you is supposed to return after she goes through withdrawal from ending contact with OM!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I'm sorry but her affection for you is supposed to return after she goes through withdrawal from ending contact with OM!


May I make a _slight_ correction here? Her affection will return (over time)once the affair ends, and work on the marriage begins...


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