# So I did it!



## doureallycare2

I just spent some minutes reading other post on here and I see an overwhelming thread, HURT. Whether you’re the one that wants to leave or someone left you. We all want our hurt to go away, I know I do. I’ve been married for 35 years, It many ways he is a wonderful man. A good provider, a good father, a wonderful companion, life of the party type of man. Only problem, not only has he had over 7 affairs in our marriage that I found out about, early on in our marriage he was a predator, physically assaulting female relatives young and old. I did not know about this until we went into counseling for an affair and he confessed all to me. Counseling lasted 2 years, we got over it, raised our children (no more occurrences that I heard of) for 15 years great then bam an affair with a friend of mine. Separated for over a year, he broke it off we tried again then I just found out another affair that has been going on for a year in a half. Others have mentioned on here about how they still love their spouse, that’s me I love all the good qualities and he’s quite a charmer when he wants to be. However saying that I filed for divorce. I can’t say it’s been easy, I’m still torn, It still hurts like hell. When I asked him to move out he moved in with the other woman, who I know he would not have left me for. so now I feel like I drove him to her. On the other hand why move out right for 35 years he had everything his way, he got to play good husband, good father, going to church and then other sleep with what every woman he wanted too. So as I’m coming to realize the fault might have been in him but a lack of something in me allowed it. I totally feel I need him and can’t live without him, I love him, and then the survivor in me has now kicked it and is tearing me in half from that needy girl that got married at 17 and is saying NO MORE. I’ve gotten a couple overtures from him as to how bad he has messed up and what a wonderful wife I was what a jerk he has been he is not saying he wants a reconciliation. My fear and the whole point of this post is if he does, if I get even a glimmer that he says he will change again and wants me to stop the divorce, Ill stop everything in a week moment. Knowing full well he will probably put me through this pain again down the road... how stupid is that? I cant do it again... as painful as this is I have to go through with it.....but like others I have heard its pulling me apart.


----------



## caladan

Good for you, you certainly deserve better.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Fight those weak moments, you have put up with WAY too much for WAY too long! Listen to your survivor voice. You have been enabling this behavior, of course he is going to say he messed up...he has been a cake eater all these years! Its time to put yourself first for a change, you DONT need him! What incredible gall he has to now say he made a mistake, after he moves in with the other woman! (well, the CURRENT other woman!!) He WILL NOT CHANGE. Good luck to you, be strong!


----------



## LiamN

Well you are certainly going to have to start doing some work on YOURSELF
- what do YOU want in your life?
- what are you afraid of?
- what stops you from going after what you want?
If you allow others - including your husband - to control how you feel, not only will life be a roller coaster for you but no matter where you are you will attract controlling people into your life.
It is good that you recognise how your husband is and how you react to it. Now work on 'fixing' yourself so that you don't allow people to treat you the way you don't want to be treated.


----------



## doureallycare2

LiamN said:


> Well you are certainly going to have to start doing some work on YOURSELF
> - what do YOU want in your life?
> - what are you afraid of?
> - what stops you from going after what you want?
> If you allow others - including your husband - to control how you feel, not only will life be a roller coaster for you but no matter where you are you will attract controlling people into your life.
> It is good that you recognise how your husband is and how you react to it. Now work on 'fixing' yourself so that you don't allow people to treat you the way you don't want to be treated.


You are exactly right, I am currently seeing someone to find out why I am the way I am, no ones fault but mine. I allowed this to happen to me. Yes it happened so gradually that I didn’t realize it but that’s no excuse. not only was I an enabler but in my own way an addict to a dysfunctional marriage.


----------



## doureallycare2

I have now found out that he has counterfiled.. my heart just keeps on breaking. why am I shocked to find out that he lies.... one of the counterclaims says that our assets have been divided sence 2001. Which is actually during a time frame I thought we were happy, took a cruise in 2002 for our 25th and so forth. in 2003 I found out he was still trying to get back with a woman he had affair with in 1996 but she didnt want him so he was depressed. we seperated for a while then. I just dont know anymore...


----------



## turnera

So...he expected his life to be full of as many women as he wanted, while you maintained his home, washed his clothes, stayed in bed for when he wanted sex, and ignored all his cheating.

And, when you balked at that, he chose the easiest alternative. 

And now that THAT choice is gone, he comes back to you, because YOU are the easiest choice he knows (just has to woo you a little, cos he knows you're easy).

Is that all you're worth?


----------



## oncehisangel

*raises a glass of champagne to your new life

You are going to be fine.

I doubt he will


love and peace


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Good for you!

Besides the therapy, you might look for a support group - people you can meet with regularly, discuss problems/weaknesses with, who will HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE for acting in your OWN BEST INTEREST.

Peace and love, doureallycare2! Have a WONDERFUL holiday season and a GREAT 2013!!!

BTW, the next time you start to second-guess yourself, remember this:


> *It many ways he is a wonderful man. A good provider, a good father, a wonderful companion, life of the party type of man*. Only problem, not only has he had over 7 affairs in our marriage that I found out about, early on in our marriage he was a predator, physically assaulting female relatives young and old.


Oh, holy God! THIS is NOT a "wonderful man"; this is a SICK PREDATOR who managed to HIDE IT under a facade of 'charm'. Any man who cheats repeatedly with women, and preys on ALL females young and old....REALLY HATES WOMEN! He wants to control them, humiliate them, etc. I HOPE your children were all boys I'd hate to be a daughter stuck in a relationship with this male (I won't call him a man in deference to REAL MEN.)


----------



## doureallycare2

Wow you just said exactly what my therapist said. I never looked at him as a predator, I looked at him as someone needing help and he was willing to get it back then, I’m not trying to make excuses, I was a young mother and he wanted to go into counseling with me so we did for almost 2 years. After that I never saw that there was anything sexually going on until the affair he had in 1996 with a friend of ours. However his temper was terrible. And I can see now that he had many inner demons he was fighting (probably not to act out) I thought that affair was something new, not a predator act but a genuine falling in love, it was more a emotional affair even then physical. Our counselor years ago had said he had an additive personality, alcohol, sex and so forth. so then romance... he chose to brake it off and came back to me but years later when the woman’s husband died he reestablished contact in the hope that she would get back with him, she would not and he practically stalked her or over 3 years which we remained separated. He said he got over it, begged me back which I did not do then he had congestive heart failure. I let him move in and things happened from there. I took care of him until he got healthy we reestablished somewhat of a marriage again, only for me to find out 4 years later that he has been having an affair the last 1 2/2 years and this one was just about the sex. Like I said I asked him to leave and I have filed for divorce. I’m determined not to take him back but have many years of enabling this man. When I laid in bed alone last night and thought of them together I was a little sad but my main thought was he's not here using me. He’s using her still but he's not using me.. Maybe that means I’m starting to see the light and not just darkness.


----------



## turnera

You have a moral obligation to share this with him, with the nephew's parents, and the cops. How dare you not tell the police back then?


----------



## turnera

If nothing else, you should talk to your sons about it. Just in case it happened to them, too, and they hid it from you.


----------



## caladan

turnera said:


> If nothing else, you should talk to your sons about it. Just in case it happened to them, too, and they hid it from you.


Wow... are you serious? Tell your sons that their dad once molested kids? This may indeed be the right choice, but it's such a nuclear option that it should be taken with a heavy dollop of caution.


----------



## turnera

Absolutely. What if he did it to them, and since their mom never brought it up, they felt they had to protect HER, and suffer in silence and shame?

And what if THEY have kids and bring them around him, only to find out he did it to THEIR kids, and then find out their mom knew and never told them?

This is too serious to worry about the person's 'feelings' at being outed.


----------



## caladan

turnera said:


> Absolutely. What if he did it to them, and since their mom never brought it up, they felt they had to protect HER, and suffer in silence and shame?
> 
> And what if THEY have kids and bring them around him, only to find out he did it to THEIR kids, and then find out their mom knew and never told them?
> 
> This is too serious to worry about the person's 'feelings' at being outed.


And ... what if he didn't do it to them, is it worth pretty much nuking their father's reputation in their minds? 

But... I get your point - innocents MUST be protected. I however also feel that restraint and great care should be used in handling the matter, unless there are recent instances of this sort of behaviour.


----------



## turnera

If he didn't do it to them, then he now has an opportunity for more closeness (and humility) with his sons than he's ever had, having tried to hide this from them their whole lives.

People seem to think people can't handle bad news nowadays. We go out of our way to be PC and not hurt feelings or not discuss bad things. That's not a great way to learn and grow and live your life.


----------



## caladan

turnera said:


> If he didn't do it to them, then he now has an opportunity for more closeness (and humility) with his sons than he's ever had, having tried to hide this from them their whole lives.
> 
> People seem to think people can't handle bad news nowadays. We go out of our way to be PC and not hurt feelings or not discuss bad things. That's not a great way to learn and grow and live your life.


Huh?

Humility? You mean total abasement. 

If he wants to tell them and experience this "closeness", it should be his call.


----------



## turnera

As a mother, I don't agree.

Total abasement to admit to your sons that you abused a child? Maybe. But, IMO, necessary for his psychological salvation. And necessary in case they, too, experienced it.


----------



## caladan

Noo- you miss my point.

I think as a father, it makes sense to tell your kids.

It makes no sense (save for the fleeting delight of getting one last underhand jab in) to tell your kids about their father, in the name of getting the kids and their father closer. Do it if you will, but at least be honest about it, don't claim your deed will bring him and his kids closer.

If they didn't experience it, then you open a can of worms, which regardless of whatever your intentions are, will stink to high heaven, and will impact you as well considering that you knew for 35 odd years about this tendency, yet failed to protect your kids from him.


----------



## turnera

I wouldn't tell them to get them closer, you missed MY point. I would tell them because they need to know. And apparently HE isn't telling them. So, as their other parent, it's my job.


----------



## caladan

turnera said:


> I wouldn't tell them to get them closer, you missed MY point. I would tell them because they need to know. And apparently HE isn't telling them. So, as their other parent, it's my job.


Again - why is it your job after 35 years? Why wasn't it your job after say - 10-15 years? That's my question here. The kids grew up in your house and moved out, it wasn't your job back then. Now suddenly you're about to divorce the man and it suddenly becomes your job?

It's at best a rather... interesting argument, see?


----------



## turnera

Well, the OP has just NOW come here and so I just NOW told her that she should have done something long ago but, since she didn't, she should now understand that they need to know.


----------



## Stella Moon

Um...I guess I don't understand how you 'don't' out a child molester? Really? 

Out the child molester for craps sake! Period. EW!


----------



## doureallycare2

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Good for you!
> 
> Besides the therapy, you might look for a support group - people you can meet with regularly, discuss problems/weaknesses with, who will HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE for acting in your OWN BEST INTEREST.
> 
> Peace and love, doureallycare2! Have a WONDERFUL holiday season and a GREAT 2013!!!
> 
> BTW, the next time you start to second-guess yourself, remember this:
> Oh, holy God! THIS is NOT a "wonderful man"; this is a SICK PREDATOR who managed to HIDE IT under a facade of 'charm'. Any man who cheats repeatedly with women, and preys on ALL females young and old....REALLY HATES WOMEN! He wants to control them, humiliate them, etc. I HOPE your children were all boys I'd hate to be a daughter stuck in a relationship with this male (I won't call him a man in deference to REAL MEN.)


I want to thank you, you said excatly waht Ive been learning in therapy! I had an awsome holiday because I was at peace that I was not "missing" anything by having this man in my life, in fact, I am better off. And for the first time really beleive that not only can I do it on my own but that I will thrive. I spent the time with my sons and new grandson, what a blessing to have geniune love around me with out lies. hope your holiday was great also.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

I had a GREAT holiday season with my OWN kiddo! She's GREAT!

Glad your sons are okay and that you are close to them and they are mature, well-adjusted people who can protect themselves and their children from the fall-out of your STBXH's disintegration.

It is unfortunate and sad to watch but, ultimately, it IS HIS choice. While you can feel dispassionately about his emotional destruction, you CANNOT allow yourself to worry about it, get upset about it, take it as YOUR problem to "help" with. You KNOW this, make sure you have REAL LIFE support that helps you be STRONG with this instinct.

Your STBXH is a sad, screwed-up man; no doubt about it! But, remember he was NOT concerned with YOU when he exposed you to AIDS/HIV with his unfaithfulness; it could have killed you. DON'T let your 'worry' for him 'kill' you EMOTIONALLY. Take care of YOURSELF FIRST for yourself, for your sons, for your grandson.

*hugs*


----------



## asia

While I understand it was a different mentality towards child molestation and confronting it almost 40 years ago, how were you ever able to trust he wouldn't do it again? Screwing around with women is one thing, to molest your nephew is a totally different dynamic. I would have been scared for my kid. Not sure if I could personally live with that one.

Second, were you happy and content all of those years of cheating? It sounds like telling yourself it was a sexual addiction, abused, etc is what you had to tell yourself to justify it/stay. Calling a suicide hotline and him doing it again seems to indicate he didn't really love you at all. And not all of this "he doesn't know how stuff". And PLEASE know I understand on a smaller scale (read my posts) but I can't say I am happy. More like existing. Heck my husband hasn't put up pictures on his online site of me since he moved back in and its been months now. His OW can't see anyway but it still bothers me. 

Was it more important to you what other people thought or not letting the OW get him? Did he ever leave you for one of them? It seems like you guys have separated quite often and for long periods of time.


----------



## turnera

I'm glad you are done. Some men just simply expect women to 'let' them do this.


----------



## asia

I am doing ok today, thanks for asking. 

I haven't been able to forget any of his past transgressions enough to honestly say I'm happy. I am always suspicious. I feel like I am the only one who has always tried to keep our marriage together. If we didn't have a child, I know he would have left me a long time ago. 

So he was in love with this other woman for about ten years? Do I have that right? So if she would have been willing, he would have left you for her?


----------



## turnera

asia, are you saving up money in your own savings account, so you don't 'need' to stay with him? In case it gets worse?


----------



## doureallycare2

asia said:


> I am doing ok today, thanks for asking.
> 
> So he was in love with this other woman for about ten years? Do I have that right? So if she would have been willing, he would have left you for her?


Asia,

Im not really sure how long he thought he was in love. I do truly believe that he wasn’t in love. He’s an addict: sexual, love & alcohol. Love addiction can be a part of sexual addition. He told me that I have been the only woman that he truly ever loved and still loves but I have come to believe that he doesn’t know what real love is. As my therapist says, he probably does believe he loves me in his own way and more then he can with anyone else. But he's a true narcissists and sociopath. the world revolves around him, he's very emotional and even now comes to me crying about the mess that he has made of his life, while he's living with the OW....I actually had to kick him out and enforce his not being allowed on the property. If he’s not screaming and yelling at me, he's crying. He will try anything to try and manipulate me and just hates that he is not in control anymore. Meanwhile the OW thinks she has this wonderful professional man. I say she deserves everything she is going to get and who knows, she was willing to have an affair with a married man for a year and a half so maybe she will give him a taste of his own medicine. What goes around comes around. My regret is that my husband and they OW before this one didn’t get together way back in 1996 it would have spared me a lot of wasted years.


----------



## asia

So if he didn't have these addictions, you believe he would be in love with you the way you would like? Personally, I don't believe in the sexual addictions thing....unless you are losing your job, house, to fund the sexual encounters. And usually they are not affairs but simply many sexual encounters with extremely risky behavior.

Is it easier to believe this? If he's an alcoholic, has he been to rehab?


----------



## moxy

You did the right thing. He has major problems and it sounds like some kind if sex addiction. He needs therapy. You can't change him, just show what you won't accept and what he loses in you and your life together if he doesn't change. I know this is hard, but 180 and NC will help you! Hang in there! You deserve better than lies from your husband. Don't enable his bad behavior.


----------



## doureallycare2

moxy said:


> You did the right thing. He has major problems and it sounds like some kind if sex addiction. He needs therapy. .


Yes thank you, I’m sure I did the right thing. I’m not suffering with any doubts about it. He was in therapy when are children were small and I believed him when he said he wanted help. I believed a lot of things over the years and it obviously didn’t last. My problem now is with myself. The scales have fallen from my eyes and I’m seeing myself in a new light. All those years of thinking I was a great wife and mother, I was an enabler, my sons of course don’t know everything about him but they certainly know enough... How much respect do they have for me? I don’t have very much for myself anymore. I thought I was tuff, that you have to try like this to keep a family together... I can do it... I can hold it together... at what cost? My self-respect? And how much was actually out of fear? Fear of being a failure? Fear of monetary loss? Fear of being alone....?


----------



## turnera

What matters is what you do NOW, now that you are educated.


----------



## doureallycare2

I found out my stbxh is going away this week-end, I feel like I’m on vacation. I don’t have to worry about him stopping by and can feel at peace in my home. Maybe now I will finally have time to take down my Christmas decorations!


----------



## doureallycare2

I had a wonderful weekend, so peaceful to not worry about his showing up at the house. I was able to finally get everything accomplished that I needed and wanted to, cooked up a storm and even shoveled the drive way. Then Tuesday (his first day back) I came out of my bathroom at 7:15am and he was sitting on the couch waiting for me (glad I was dressed from my shower) he just wanted to talk about his weekend seeing the grand-baby. I said not only was it not a good time as I was getting ready for work but it’s time to set boundaries as to his showing up at the house... talk about mad.... but he left... so happy I stood up for myself again..... I know it’s not over but it’s another step. now if only my lawyer would contact me it’s been almost a month... I’m giving him until tomorrow then I will call.


----------



## turnera

So proud of you!

When is the locksmith coming to change your locks?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hey, doureallycare2!

(Yes, we REALLY CARE!  )

Glad you are STANDING up for yourself and demanding some respect from your STBXH! You might consider having the locks on the house changed (it's not THAT expensive); you wouldn't want to wake up some night and find him (drunk or sober) in your bedroom expecting sex!

You're right to be pro-active with your attorney, as well. S/he works FOR YOU! You should feel NO COMPUNCTION about being kept up-to-date on the status of your case.

Please don't be so hard on yourself:


> The scales have fallen from my eyes and I’m seeing myself in a new light.


When we KNOW better, we DO better. Perhaps you can share that with your sons. Do not worry about their judgement, just let them know that your upbringing, your young age at marriage, your love/concern for your sons and your love for their father MADE IT DIFFICULT for you to see how dysfunctional your situation was. Let them know that NOW that you see things better, now that you are more mature, you are now REQUIRING MORE of yourself and their father.

Hang in there, lady!

Edited: Ha-ha, I see while I was writing, Turnera posted and she had the same 'locksmith' idea as me! Great minds........


----------



## caladan

turnera said:


> So proud of you!
> 
> When is the locksmith coming to change your locks?


THIS!!

How is he able to come and go as he pleases? My skin crawled when I read that he was sitting waiting when you got back.... too much access.


----------



## doureallycare2

-----
I ‘am in total panic mode right now: here is an excerpt to my lawyer and from my lawyer and then my response to my lawyer.

Jan 23, 2013 3:38pm
“
Good afternoon,

It has been over a month and I was wondering if you ever received a
response from my husband’s lawyer as to a mediation. If it’s taking
this long to set up maybe we should go ahead and file with the courts
also?

Please let me know your thoughts.

Jan 25,2013 1:53pm

Dear :
Thank you for your email.
There is now a scheduled Court Appearance on February 5, 2013 at 11:00 AM.
The location is:. Your appearance is necessary.
It is a Preliminary Conference which means we will meet with the Court and
discuss the outstanding issues on your matter. It is possible, we could
have your Husband agree to various things at this conference. However,
please note as we are not having a trial yet or a evidentiary hearing, if
the parties cannot reach an agreement, the Judge will not Order anything
yet. The other portion of this is that we will get a scheduling Order.
These are various deadlines for the attorneys to provide each other with
financial disclosure. Finally, there will be a trial date that is usually
about 6 months or so from the preliminary conference date. It is quite
possible your matter could be over before the trial date if you and your
husband can agree on terms.

In preparation of this conference, please forward the following (if you
have not already provided me these)
1) Statement of Net Worth (Please see attached form for you to fill out).
2) Any paychecks stubs you have received in 2013
3) Your W2 from 2012
4) Recent Bank/savings account statements

In addition, attached please find a legal invoice requesting an additional
retainer payment. Please note one of the things we are requesting is
attorney fees to be paid by your husband. However, these are not a
guarantee. If you would like to make a payment online, please go to:

Please reply to confirm receipt of this message.

As always, please contact me by email if you have any
questions.

Very Truly Yours,

Jan 25,2013 2:19PM
Thank you for your response, I'm a little confused however, Why did you
schedule a court appearance so soon, or did my husbands lawyer schedule it?
I thought you said it could take up to six months to get a date. I feel
very ill prepared, I haven't met with you at all sense I signed the papers back in August
and I'm not even sure what I should be asking for anymore or not ask for,
especially sense his lawyer has counter filed. I thought we would meet
together before I met with my husband in a medication and then a court
appearance.

When can we meet regarding this upcoming appearance? You are probably used
to having people panicking on you like this (because I'm panicking) when it
finally comes down to the actual meeting but I do much better with a lot of
details and a game plan. My husband has always intimidated me and It wont
be any better with his lawyer there.

Thanks so much,


----------



## turnera

It'll all work out. Tell your lawyer to contact your husband. That's what you're paying him for.


----------



## doureallycare2

he did call me after that and told me I have nothing to panic about... guess waht still in full panic mode.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Relax, doureallycare2!

I read it as this is a meeting to DISCUSS ways to split up assets/debts equitably. This has to be decided BEFORE you go to court and get your divorce finalized. The judge at your divorce hearing will read the disposition of assets and debts, will ensure that you are represented and agreed to the division of debts/assets, then s/he will declare it a "done deal".

My understanding is that this is a "squabble over who get what" meeting.

Is that YOUR understanding?


----------



## doureallycare2

I think so, My lawyer said first thing the Judge will decide is the grounds which I filed Cruel & Inhumane, next is do we have to do child support... no, next my support and is there an agreement...no, is there an agreement on asset’s... no. He said this meeting would lead the way to negotiation’s . I have only met with him once and we’ve blown through the retainer? Also how do I even know what to ask for anymore… I just don’t know.


----------



## turnera

Ask him for a printout on how the retainer was spent.


----------



## doureallycare2

turnera said:


> Ask him for a printout on how the retainer was spent.


Will do....


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Find a women's support group for DIVORCED women, and start PICKING THEIR BRAINS...THIS COMING UP WEEK. You'll know whether you're getting shafted by your lawyer, what to ask for, what to let go, what strategies to try, etc.

Sister solidarity!! Like childbirth, only more bitter! :rofl:


----------



## doureallycare2

not even sure where to find just a womans divorce support group... any ideas?


----------



## turnera

Start with your city and your county webpages. Also contact United Way.


----------



## doureallycare2

nerves are over taking me...


----------



## turnera

Go for a walk. You need fresh air.


----------



## doureallycare2

So a couple of new things: Court was postponed due to an ongoing court case by the Judge until April 30th (what the heck). 2nd big fight with my stbxh over taxes again... stood my ground but he was really trying to browbeat me into submission. Got right in my face yelling. I also have a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow.


----------



## turnera

Are his parents around? Siblings? Tell them how he is treating you.


----------



## doureallycare2

turnera said:


> Are his parents around? Siblings? Tell them how he is treating you.


Both of his parents have passed away, I even took care of his dying father because he wanted to die at home and he lived with us at the time. His siblings are almost as messed up as him except one sister who is my age that I have always been close with. She started out in this telling him to own up and act like a man and get some help but she is now totally enabling him and believing all things he says. I am not saying anything to her at all. She is actually sticking up for him by saying he was sleeping in the other womans basement and only moved "upstairs" once he was served, so it’s my fault he’s with her.


----------



## turnera

Well, then, it's going to be up to YOU to protect your boundaries. If he calls and is rude, hang up. Without a word. If he's in the room, LEAVE. If he's on your lawn or porch, go inside and lock the door. You HAVE changed your locks, right?

TEACH him how to treat you.


----------



## doureallycare2

Met w/lawyer last night. It went ok, he reassured me some as far as grounds and pension. One thing that was funny is he asked me about my husband’s disclosure of finances that he submitted. He said your H has over $7000.00 going out a month in expense’s. Does that sound right to you? I laughed what...? 7000.00? He used to give me 3000 to pay bills a month. We don’t have a lot of other debt. What is he doing supporting two more families’? I asked the lawyer about changing locks and he said he could petition for me to be primary resident which would give me the right to do that but that would have to be agreed and would possibly be more court fees. I am going to try again to state some boundaries to him and ask him to at least call me first. Meanwhile the dryer is still broken, but I don’t want to contact him to see when he's getting the part and is going to fix it. And I need to have a sit down talk with him about my decision on filing our taxes (which will probably not go over well as I want to split it).


----------



## turnera

Fix the dryer yourself.


----------



## doureallycare2

haha, if you saw my dryer you would not say that. My husband has wires split and something in the door that he had jimmied. Because he is a heating & air conditioning (electrical) person he does all the home projects his way and trying to get someone else to fix what he has fixed in the past.... well I might as well buy a new dryer for what it would cost me. I’m not doing that because I’m moving into an apartment as soon as I can and will not have a place for a dryer.


----------



## turnera

No, I meant CALL someone. My husband can build an entire house from scratch, and has. He does carpentry, plumbing, electrical, everything. But at the end of the day, if he won't get something done, you need to call and pay for someone else to fix it. THAT takes the power away from him and into your hands. And that's what this is all about. You need to move to a place where you do not depend on him for ANYTHING.


----------



## doureallycare2

I think its jimmied so much a profesional would say to just get a new one... I asked him yesterday when he was going to fix it and he said he would try and come back latter to work on it... he didnt... cant afford and really dont want to invest in a new one because I will probably be going to an apartment after divorce.


----------



## doureallycare2

My stbxh came over Sunday to talk about filing tax return again again and I just don’t know what to do..... I don’t want to be the B%&* but I almost feel like I will be if I insist on splitting tax return and having it go into my account. He wants to pay county and school taxes with the return which will take up probably all the $ and have it deposited in our joint account. problem is, his sister does our taxes, she could tell me an inaccurate date $ will be in account ect... also he has a 1099b for $1400.00 that he has to pay taxes on that he rec'd in Oct. He did not share that $ with me or tell me about it but now we could be taxed up to 35% on return for that $.. My dilemma, how much of a stink do I make about wanting some cash... was needing some cash..... He could have paid part or all of that $ he rec'd in oct on the taxes but didn’t.... also big problem is we're not talking about anything because of lawyers being involved. I look at it that I’m going to give him the house, and most of property why do I have to help pay taxes when he has a lot more money coming in. on the other hand.. I am responsible also for the house taxes, my name is on them to and I’m the one living in the house until the divorce gets settled. any ideas......??? I so resent giving up the $. If we were together we usually use the tax return for a vacation and to celebrate my birthday and he comes up with other ways to pay taxes. Once in while he does use some of the return to pay them though.... I talked with finical advisor, I talked with lawyer. Advisor says try to get him to split it w/me in separate accounts. Lawyer says if he puts a request in for a judgment I will probably get 33% of it. He says it’s probably not worth the fight sense husband is still paying all the bills for me... walking on cracked ice....


----------



## turnera

I would do whatever a lawyer and an (impartial) accountant tell you to do.


----------



## doureallycare2

Bad Night!!!So just when your up you get hit back down... mstbx showed up tonight, supposedly to check on me that i made it home ok in the snow storm and then to snow blow, (which my son would have done in the morning) of course he started bulling me again about taxes and wanting to know why I wouldnt file with him. Really putting the pressure on. He started threatening me with that he will stop paying certain bills in a few months if I want to be "difficult". It went from that to what money am I going after from him that he made last year. He works a few side jobs that he made about $15,000-20,000 on and he dosent want me to go after that towards my support as its not guarenteed work on his part. (nevermind hes been doing it for over 10 years now). After he got frustrated that he couldnt bully me into agreeing right then to everything he wanted he got emotional and was saying how this wasnt how he wanted to end his last years. How he didnt expect us to ever have to be going through this nor was it what he wanted... he said "so after the divorce you never want to have contact with me again?" I said how would that be possible we have children together, one will hopefully be getting married soon. he said It doesnt matter "I wont be invited" I accept that, they dont want me as a part of their lives anymore" "I always knew i would probably end up alone at the end of my life" I said your being rediculos, talking like that. He said how he had no money because he was paying all the bills for me living at the house and his own expences and had 40 dollors to his name. I said that was 40 more than I had and all the more reason why we need to settle this divorce fast and for him to stop fighting me. I told him he can have the house and most of the belongings just agree to the support and paying off some of the credit dept. He said he told his lawyer I could have everything.. (than why is he fighting everything) hes staring at the tv the whole time the conversation is going on and then out of the blue says. I do wish I had a tv where I am though..... Ha? He lives with his girl friend and her 14 year old son.... they dont have a tv....? I know they do. My cousin served the divorce papers to him there and she said she had to knock over and over again because of how loud the TV was. I dont know what the point of this whole thing was..... what was he doing here at 8pm on a friday night during a bad storm.? On the other hand I dont want to care why or give it much thought... yet it is making me anxious and disturbed....


----------



## doureallycare2

just got 2 text also... somethings up.....


----------



## turnera

He's still trying to manipulate you. Don't you know the BS is supposed to lie down so the WS can stomp their feet dry on them?

PLEASE don't agree to ANYTHING your lawyer doesn't agree to.


----------



## doureallycare2

Thanks Turnera, I know he was.. he was doing 360 deg turns all over the place. than he showed up the next day with all the tax stuff and said fine we'll do it your way. from bullying to suddenly giving in? now today he sent me a text that hes sick and will be spending time at the house naping becuse "thats where hes most comfortable" and that he bought milk and bread and dog food... Ill buy my own milk and bread thank you very much and go lay down at the girl friends.... She has a 24 year old hippy son that lives there as well as the 14 year old and I bet that annoys him...


----------



## turnera

Did you tell him to leave? Change your locks.


----------



## doureallycare2

Lawyer says I cant really change locks unless we do more legal stuff.... might make it more difficult with divorce and mediation, Im at work so I really dont care if he is there while im not.. just dont be there when I get home. so I ignored text.


----------



## doureallycare2

So I havnt heard from stbxh in 3 days, Im thinking eather "they" went away from winter break or he's mad about last fridays conversation when he was upset because he thought I wouldnt have any contact with him after divorce. Those of my friends that knew us both really well think that he is having a hard time grasping that it really is going to end and with me. That I wont just take him back. As for me on my side of it, someone on another thread pointed out how Im still seeking out my validation from him... And I see totally that I am... the fact that Im trying to show him my independance from him and that I dont care what he does with the OW and then he doesnt text or email me to say happy b-day hurts. How contray is that......Who hasnt excepted what right? The thing is I never claimed I wanted a divorce. I said I needed one. I could have my marriage right now, I could have my husband but he would still be a cheeting abusive, mind manipulating and I wasnt happy with him eather. I just dont know any other way.I m old now. 3/4 of my life is over, what am I going to do with the rest of it....? I dont even want another relationship. anyways just spouting off some thoughts One day at a time.. It just seems that these days are about 2000 hours long,,,,,,


----------



## turnera

The rest of your life will be what it is. What you make of it. You have total control. You can volunteer somewhere and make a difference. You can join clubs and meet people. You can go back and get a degree or start a new career. You can bring in a renter to help with bills. You can start a new hobby (I just planted my vegetable garden). You can sign up for a tour trip where you meet new people (friends). You can take dance lessons and meet some single men. You can do a LOT with this life, hon. But it's up to you to do it.


----------



## doureallycare2

turnera said:


> The rest of your life will be what it is. What you make of it. You have total control. You can volunteer somewhere and make a difference. You can join clubs and meet people. You can go back and get a degree or start a new career. You can bring in a renter to help with bills. You can start a new hobby (I just planted my vegetable garden). You can sign up for a tour trip where you meet new people (friends). You can take dance lessons and meet some single men. You can do a LOT with this life, hon. But it's up to you to do it.



You know sometime these threads are better than a counseling session. All I get from that is questions to answer my questions. Sometimes I need constructive advice to remind myself that there are things I can do and that not only will I have a life but a more fulfilling one too. Thank you. I just get so tired of feeling tired… but I guess I give in to the feelings to much.


----------



## turnera

Feelings are fine - as long as you learn from them. Then you push yourself off the couch and go accomplish something. Which gives you more good feelings than anything else possibly can.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

*doureallycare*

Hey, lady! Haven't been back to your thread for a while! Sounds like things are progressing.......not great, but not horribly! You've been getting some really solid advice here that I hope you're using/mulling over.



> I asked the lawyer about changing locks and he said he could petition for me to be primary resident which would give me the right to do that but that would have to be agreed and would possibly be more court fees. If you can't lock him out of the HOUSE, you CAN lock him out of your bedroom. Install a lock on the bedroom door so there are no late night 'surprises'. I am going to try again to state some boundaries to him and *ask* him to at least call me first. Don't 'ask' him, TELL HIM. State clearly, I don't waltz over to OW's house to talk to you WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. You cannot just WALTZ over here to talk to me whenever you feel like it either. If you do not CALL me first, I cannot guarantee that I will be home OR be AVAILABLE to speak with you. Then DO IT. If he shows up unannounced, then you are "too busy" to speak at that moment. Go back in the house and do whatever. You need to TEACH him how to treat you CORRECTLY. Meanwhile the dryer is still broken, but I don’t want to contact him to see when he's getting the part and is going to fix it. Have you asked your grown sons if THEY can fix it? It's possible they learned enough from him to figure out how he jerry-rigged it and can fix it. If not, hang your clothes in the basement or dry them at a laundromat. I would NOT allow STBXH to 'do you any favors' or feel he is entitled to come/go at your residence. And I need to have a sit down talk with him about my decision on filing our taxes (which will probably not go over well as I want to split it). Do whatever is in YOUR best interest!
> 
> Ditto with giving him the house, etc. This man cheated on you repeatedly, told you he loved you and screwed other women, exposed you to illness/death from STDs, cheated your sons out of a loving family home, cheated you out of a life companion. So, yeah, I REALLY DON'T THINK worrying about being equitable/fair with him should be at the top of your priority list! You're in your early 50s, you should be worrying about YOUR golden years. If he's screwed, TOO BAD! He brought this ALL on himself! As you say, had he left 16 years ago, you would be in a MUCH better position: emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.


1.) I'm not usually one who says 'screw the ex-h for all you can get', but in your STBXH's case.....he DESERVES it! Living with the POSOW and bytching to YOU about his lack of tv time there?!? His balls must be ENORMOUS!!!!!!!!!!

2.) Have you found a REAL LIFE support group for women going through or recently-divorced? 
Call your divorce attorney's receptionist, and see if SHE knows of any.
If you're a church/synagogue-goer, check with your church or synagogue or nearby ones. MANY offer divorce-support groups.
Call the reference desk at the library and ask them where you could find a list.
Call a women's abuse hotline/shelter and ask them where to find info on support groups.

3.) Listen to your attorney and your accountant. They are professionals and should have YOUR best interest at heart.

Hang tough! I'm 56yo and starting over myself, so I know where you're at!


----------



## doureallycare2

Sometimes I feel like nothing is progressing, yet i know it is.. just some days are still bad others ok... just still way to much contact... he texted me 3 times yesterday about a meeting he was in and the weather, concerned for me driving ect.... yet still no mention of my b-day last Friday. Also he sent me an email that he will be on vacation to his sisters in Texas at the end of March. Last year we went together, his sister and I were good friends. Now I wonder if OW is going.... Lawyer sent me papers on the 8th for me to fill out and I can’t even open them up and look at them.. I have to get my butt in gear... I still don’t question that I’m doing the right thing, just very depressed over it all and feeling very lonely.


----------



## turnera

Pick one thing to accomplish today. Exercise, sign the papers, sign up for a class, go to counseling, get on ADs...do something.


----------



## doureallycare2

turnera said:


> Pick one thing to accomplish today. Exercise, sign the papers, sign up for a class, go to counseling, get on ADs...do something.


I’m actually doing well with a few of those things: This is my weekly schedule, I work 7am-6pm mon-fri. Mon night 6:30 pm met w/counselor than went to exercise for an hour didn’t get home till 9:30. Tues: divorce group 6:30-8:30pm. Wed 6:30-7:30 Exercise. Tonight 6:30-7:30 Exercise. By the way I have now lost 54 lbs. It’s usually the weekends that I curl up and don’t do anything and have to force myself.


----------



## turnera

Oh, well, that's what weekends are for sometimes. Just not EVERY weekend!

What will you do on Saturday?


----------



## doureallycare2

So just an update, kept busy this weekend, things seem to be going on steady. I haven’t seen or heard from stbxh for a week now. I have still not been able to fill out the financial questionnaire that the lawyer gave me on Feb 8th. I have had ever good intention yet there seems to be some mental block about my doing it... I’m disgusted with myself regarding it! I want to have a medication yet can’t do that until I fill out paperwork, court date is April 30... Why am I being this way.. I look for any distraction I can even if it’s just tv so I don’t have to do it. 
I’m a huge Texas Hold’um fan and ended up in a tournament that lasted from 10:am Saturday until 12:30 am Sunday.. So that shot my whole weekend (at least I used that excuse Sunday) but hey I won some $.. 
In the end run, feel flat though after the high of that. Still don’t have paperwork done.. UGH!! Feeling very depressed right now and it’s my own fault.


----------



## turnera

Are you exercising? That's the best cure for depression. Accomplishing something is the next best.


----------



## doureallycare2

not as much as I was but going to start again Wednsday night at the gym, have apt tonight and I wont get out until late. so Wed will have to do.


----------



## turnera

Go for a walk at lunch. If you have stairs in your building, go up and down the stairs. FIND a way.


----------



## doureallycare2

So I rec'd an email from stbxh this morning. He is back from his 2 1/2 week vacation. I have had the wonderful privilege of having his jeep parked in the driveway of our house while he was gone so I would have known when I got back from work. (Guess he didn’t trust leaving it parked at the OW's). Still dont know if she went also though I dont think she did.

I have to say that I have had an amazing last couple of weeks knowing he was out of state and would not be showing up at all at the house. Yes like I shared before I had those pangs of regret that he was on a vacation without me but they were really very fleeting and not to heart wrenching. Is this called healing? 

Anyway I now have some butterflies in my stomach, I don’t want to see him and I’m worried he will pop in even though he hadn’t for a while even before the vacation. 

The other big issue is that I’ve managed to shoot myself in the foot I think by not filling out the financial paperwork my lawyer gave me as to my expenses. We were going to try and do mediation before April 30 (court date) and I still haven’t sent that to my lawyer. Ugh I have had such a mental block and can’t figure out why. Going to do it for lunch today so have to go...


----------



## turnera

Is it done?


----------



## doureallycare2

lol.. no i had to eat at my desk to get work done because of being on TAM..ugh


----------



## doureallycare2

Finally got my paperwork done and sending to Lawyer today took me 2 1/2 hours Friday night and another hour Sunday... Now I realize why I procrastinated so bad.


----------



## doureallycare2

going to Court this morning... very nervious!!!


----------



## turnera

Good luck!


----------



## Awakening2012

How did it go, and how are you feeling -- we are dying to know!


----------



## doureallycare2

I surprisingly went well (I guess) I am so emotionally spent I dont know how Im feeling anymore. I teared up way more then I wanted to. it took us quite a while. his lawyer came in right away to mine and said they wanted to talk settlement before seeing the judge. (he thinks it was because my stbx didnt want to go to jury trial with the alligation of cruel and inhumane treatment charges)next 2 hours was going back and forth then finally the 4 of us meeting before the judge. I backed down on some of the things I was asking for. 

I wanted to be resonable but now Im wondering did I give in too much? Stbx gave in on somethings he didnt want to. all in all we hammered out an areememt I guess is good. I was just ready to walk away with nothing I was so upset. all I kept thinking was so this is it? after 35 years of trying my everything.... of giving my all and devoting my whole life to this man, to this marriage. its reduced down to dollor and cents. to 33% of 35years (max years of maintaince Judge can award). 

I settled for the max amount of $ Im intitled to until his retirement (which he says will be in 5 years= I wanted life and lawyer thought a jury would give it to me) then when his income is reduced becuse his main source of employment will be gone I agreed to half that for an additional 10 years. 

He didnt want to pay my lawyer but hes going to. H

Hes also going to pay house hold expenses including mortgage until we sell the house (apperntly he doesnt want it and I cant aford it). he didnt want to pay my credit cards that we charged on toghther. largest one we are spliting other one Im paying. hes asuming all debt for his credit loans, and both cars. He wanted visitation of the dogs and I said as log as he pays vet bills he agreed.

This dosent desribe how his lawyer tried to browbeat me saying how my husband wouldnt be able to pay support after he retires and I said crying a little "he makes more $ on his part time heating and air conditioning and boiler work then he does at the school and he also drives tractor trailor cdl... really? Do you think hes not going to be working making 40 dollors and hour after he "retires" because we talked enough about his plan. I know it. me on the other hand what can I do after I retire? be a walmart greeter? my stbx says" just give it to her"


----------



## doureallycare2

more 2 come 2 tired but he showed up at the house


----------



## doureallycare2

I cried so much last night and then again this morning..... So stbxh was at the house when I got there wanted to know if he could talk with me... came in and started talking about fixing house up for sale.... thanked me for being reasonable. He started crying telling me how much he was truly sorry for everything... cant believe this is where we are in our life...ect.. ect... at one point he asked if him and I could take a road trip together out of state to see our grandson together. at my shocked face he said I guess that would be kind of awkward. I said yes how would the girlfriend feel about that? He says "I know". (does he want me to be the other woman?) He ask me for a hug and he latches on to me and won’t let go and try’s to kiss me, only connecting with my cheek as I turned my head. Im crying now to but I’m really confused as hear we just sat before a judge and made this agreement. he says I need a cigarette. So he goes outside.. 

He calls me outside and ask if we can talk.. so we sit on the glider and he says he has a proposition for me that he doesn’t want me to take to the lawyer because its just for me to help me. not to cost me or him more money. It’s because he know how bad he has screwed me over the years and he wants to make sure I’m taken care of for life, so here’s his idea......

He wants to sign a quick clam deed for the house over to me so I can refinance the house at a lower % then he thinks I would be able to afford to and stay with my 3 pets (that he wants visitation with). Now this house is like Stella Moons, quant by the river but needs a lot of work. I say.. I can’t, it needs to much maintained, I can’t do all the work. And he says he will write up an agreement that he will continue to do all the maintained on the house for me for free. All he needs is a corner of the garage for tools and snow blower. He latches on to me again with a big bear hug and won’t let go and tells me again how much he still loves me and wishes he could have been a better man for me because I deserved better. He's crying I’m crying and he leaves.


----------



## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL

I know it is very tough like experiencing the death of a loved one. I still don't know how the WS can so easily get over so many years of marriage. Part of it must have to do with their own selfishness thinking about what they think will make themselves happy. You will get stronger as time passes. Keep yourself busy with activities, spend time with friends, pray, go to the gym, live your life.


----------



## turnera

Don't agree to it. That's just his not ready to let go of you. Let the lawyers get you what you need.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi DYRC - 

I'm so sorry for your pain and heart ache, but congratulations on breaking free from the toxicity that kept you from building the happy, peaceful life you deserve. That offer from your ex-husband sounds to me self-serving for him, like a way to ease his guilt for treating you like [email protected] and also keep his hooks in you, emotionally. Have you thought about what you envision for your living arrangements if you sell the house?

Sending (((hugs))))! A12


----------



## doureallycare2

It’s only been one night of thinking about it but the couple of people I have told about it that know us both have said the same thing. Not to trust him and it’s just tying me to him still and he wants that. So I am leaning on just doing what we agreed and selling the house. I need to move on no matter how difficult.


----------



## doureallycare2

thank you guys any advice is welcome.. Im just running on fumes right now...


----------



## Conrad

You've been Plan B for how long?


----------



## doureallycare2

too long.....


----------



## doureallycare2

really struggling


----------



## Awakening2012

Hang in there, Sweetie! The worst is over, and you WILL get through this and emerge in a happier place 

Hugs, A12


----------



## turnera

Go visit a friend or family member.


----------



## doureallycare2

funny you should say that. My son has asked me to come down for the week. So I’m taking a weeks’ vacation and heading out of town Saturday (driving 6 hours) to see that grandbaby of mine. I’m not looking forward to the drive but I’m sure being with them will cheer me up!


----------



## doureallycare2

Does anyone have an Idea of why stbxh may need a copy of our marriage license asap. He looked though all our papers for it on Sunday couldn’t find it and has been asking me every day since if I found it yet. I asked why he needed it today and his response was “I’ll get a copy next week”.


----------



## turnera

Well, if he won't tell you, it can't be good.

meh

Let him get it.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi DYRC - 

I thought your divorce decree was final and signed off by the court? Normally, part of the required paperwork for the divorce is a copy of the marriage lisence. So wouldn't his attorney have obtained and filed this document as part of the package the court required? Unless the D is still in process with the court, then I could see he might need it -- though, as he points out, he can obtain a copy from the clerk's office of the court where the marriage lisence was issued for a small fee. He seems to be taking care of it, so no need to respond. Did you respond to his prior requests for this document, or just ignore them? Hope you are well.

Best,- A12


----------



## doureallycare2

thank you ladies, All kind of thoughts have been going through my head. even the unlikley option that he needed it for a catholic annulment if the OW was catholic and they were going to get married... I didnt really think he would, but someone suggested it and my brain just went crazy with it.

no its not final A12. this was our 1st meeting and unbeleivably we came to an agreement, however the lawyers have to draw it up and we have to sign. the judge came in at the end and said if eather one or both changed their mind it would go to trial. He wants the paper before him by may 10th and I will be out of state..... I just rememberd today that although my stbx said he would pay off my care we never talked about the tital... hope that doesnt make it null and void but I need the car and its in his name.


----------



## doureallycare2

Im back from vacation, have been doing really well i think.... I was so relevied yet extreamly depressed befor my vacation regarding what happened in court. I hate that 36 years of marrage could be taked dow to being all about dollors and cents... I cried through the whole thing. 

MSTBXH was great to me while I went on vacation he gave me a couple of hundren dollors and told me to enjoy myself. he didnt have to do that. he filled my car up with gas and took care of the oil and windshild wash. I didnt ask for any of it he showed up the morning I was leaving and just did it.

So yesterday, he shows up at the house (unexpected) just comes right in....he goes outside and gets paint and starts painting backyard fence.. so Im like ok.. hes's working on the house so it will look better when we get a realitor. he comes in house to wash brush and the phone rings. I answere it and its an old friend of his ( I havent heard from in years.. but he says he ran in to stbx a few months ago and that he told him to call if he needed help with a furnise. so I said your in luck he happens to have stoped in this morning hold on. mstbx who had seened like he was in an ok mood upon arrival was now irratated and said I dont want to talk to him right at the phone so Im sure the guy heard. he took the phone anyways and started talking...I had an appointment that I was now running late for so I finished getting my things I needed and went out and got in the car.. started it up and heard this crash at the back of my car. I get out to see what it was and my stbx is c oming at me fast from the back of the house and hes yelling "there- now you can your lawyer I trew the phone at your car too!! he picked the phone up and threw it in my direction but over my head. Im like what the heck is the matter with you? he says that "guy wouldnt stop talking an he has things to do" then he says so your leaving....?" I say yes I had an appointment.. hes like good go...yep take off.....!!!!

So what the heck was that about,,,,, I have no idea, unless he was mad that I wasnt working on the house. I still make excuses for him.. Im feeling guilty because I have so much I do need to work on but I also stayed away all weekend because I didnt want to run into him again. so Im saying maybe he just got mad because its overwhelming how much has to get done but were not working on it together.. but he never said Im coming over.... I dont know.... what it did do to me was take away all that sadness about the court and im thankful Im divorcing his butt!!! let the girl friend deal with his temper now.. I shouldnt have to!


----------



## turnera

He hadn't told his friend what he did. You said 'you're in luck, he happens to to have stopped by' - implying he no longer lives with you. So now he has to explain to this guy what happened. He's doing feel-good stuff for you to keep you in line and you went and outed him.


----------



## doureallycare2

Thank you Tanera!.. I did not think of that at all...... I do not understand, why he wouldnt want people to know... after all Divorce is almost a done deal, just need to sign now...and he does have his new "love". I hope shes seeing his temper...


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi DYRC - I'm glad you were able to get away for a nice vacation, after all you have been through. How dreadful to have your peace shattered by that ridiculous stunt on the part of your STBXH. That is straight up abusive behavior. Getting away from him and his anger will do you a world of good!

To a brighter new chapter, sooner than later!

Best Regards, A12


----------



## doureallycare2

Feeling very alone today.... I have been trying to get used to "just" staying at the house on the weekends I dont go away, but its very difficult for me... I dont want to be here by my self. its so hard.. there is only so much cleaning and watching tv that you can do... I made my self however because I went out friday and most of the day saturday. Then went out again saturday night. 

I packed up some of stbxh things that are still here that supposedly he doesnt want becuse he never botherd to get them. It was difficult so many things have a memory attached. I havnt heard yet that the Divorce is finalized. It could be any day now. I decided to go in the back yard and read near my flower gardens and doesnt he show up. Goes in the garage and gets himself "his" reclining folding chair. says how tired he is.. apparenty just came from teaching at Boces. told me some work things that were going on then how his cousin (who we used to hang out with) got seriously hurt. Then gives me a check to cover getting some dog medication and food. says he will be back during the week to mow lawn. stayed about an hour. I wanted to say so many things to him...... but what is the use.. he open ups his mouth and lies come forth... I still want answeres.. I still want to know if he misses me... does he have all these thoughts and memories or do the new moments hes making with the girlfriend take away 35 years... I wanted to ask when he was going to start working on the house to sell it. I wanted to ask why he doesnt call before he comes... I wanted to ask why does he still come?... I didnt ask anything.. just said good-by.


----------



## turnera

Why aren't you filling your time with other stuff?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

doureallycare2 said:


> Feeling very alone today.... I have been trying to get used to "just" staying at the house on the weekends I dont go away, but its very difficult for me... I dont want to be here by my self. its so hard.. there is only so much cleaning and watching tv that you can do... I made my self however because I went out friday and most of the day saturday. Then went out again saturday night.
> 
> I packed up some of stbxh things that are still here that supposedly he doesnt want becuse he never botherd to get them. It was difficult so many things have a memory attached. I havnt heard yet that the Divorce is finalized. It could be any day now. I decided to go in the back yard and read near my flower gardens and doesnt he show up. Goes in the garage and gets himself "his" reclining folding chair. says how tired he is.. apparenty just came from teaching at Boces. told me some work things that were going on then how his cousin (who we used to hang out with) got seriously hurt. Then gives me a check to cover getting some dog medication and food. says he will be back during the week to mow lawn. stayed about an hour. I wanted to say so many things to him...... but what is the use.. he open ups his mouth and lies come forth... I still want answeres.. I still want to know if he misses me... does he have all these thoughts and memories or do the new moments hes making with the girlfriend take away 35 years... I wanted to ask when he was going to start working on the house to sell it. I wanted to ask why he doesnt call before he comes... I wanted to ask why does he still come?... I didnt ask anything.. just said good-by.


You are perfectly within your right to ask that he call you before he comes over. He isnt living there, so common courtesy should prevail here. That would piss me off royally, even if he is helping with things when he drops by.


----------



## turnera

You are CHOOSING to be his object.

When will you be done?


----------



## doureallycare2

turnera said:


> You are CHOOSING to be his object.
> 
> When will you be done?


For some reason, its easier for me to think about running away than standing up to him. Even though I filed for divorce (he never thought I would do it) I still have a hard time setting boundries. I just want to be done with this whole thing....


----------



## turnera

Read The Dance Of Anger. Learn how to set boundaries.


----------

