# Learned too late -- I'm not marriage material



## Luciddreamer (Apr 23, 2010)

I am new to the forum so forgive me if I ramble a bit. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I am beginning to wonder if I am just fundamentally not suited for marriage. I wonder if there are others who feel this way and how they realized it? (I hope sooner than I have done. )

First of all, I am in my third marriage. Just typing that makes me feel embarrassed -- I never though I would be divorced once, much less twice. I was raised in a traditional home in a small town where very few people ever divorced (this was some years ago, of course). My parents have been married for over 50 years and both my brothers have had first marriages that lasted. But not me...
My first marriage lasted 10 years and was very successful in some ways. We were very in-tune with one another, liked a lot of the same things, had fun together for many years, could really talk and communicate well, never really fought (we are actually still friends). But we were young (emotionally anyway) when we married and probably should have just lived together for some time rather than getting married when we did. We split up when my first husband decided that he no longer wanted the restrictions and responsibilities of marriage and also decided that he definitely did NOT want children. I decided that I couldn't make a decision to never have kids and also that we were too co-dependent (he had a drinking problem and I think I was an enabler due to my own issues). I then was single for a few years before marrying again -- this time I managed to be really stupid and married a guy who seemed charming (and wanted more kids, seemed to really love me completely, etc.) However this second husband was -- I think -- a narcissist. He definitely was a liar and ended up cheating on me when our son was barely 2. We divorced a year later -- tried counseling but he was not willing to continue with that and when I found out he was still lying and decided I could not trust him again.
Then I was single again for a few years. (All this time I had a decent job and even bought my own house, so I was not looking for financial security from a man, by the way). So then I apparently hadn't learned my lesson yet and married again -- husband number 3. I think I was in a head-space when I married that was not very clear, as I was trying to raise my son who was about five at the time on my own while working full-time. My son had some issues too -- originally diagnosed as ADD/HD but later diagnosed with high-functioning autism. Not the easiest situation, and my husband seemed to be very good with (and for) my son at first. 
Now I have been married about 7 years to my current husband and things are not good. My husband lost his full-time job and has had trouble getting another, so he is working off and on -- I know this has been depressing for him, but that is not all that has happened, as he has also seemed to have had a personality shift to a much more abrasive personality, especially with my son. Anyway, things are not good.
So the point is -- when I look at 3 marriages and I couldn't make any of them work I have to think that a lot of the problem is ME. Something in me is not good with marriage or just not happy with what marriage really is... I wish I had realized this sooner and NOT married this last time. Now I feel stuck because I really do not want to divorce again -- besides I think my problem is a lot me and a lot him (different reasons, but still equal blame) and we also have financial issues that would make a split very problematic at this point. But I know I will not really be happy again in this relationship -- unless things change drastically and I don't see that happening because he refuses counseling.
So anyway, I guess I am just venting  I do feel like I want to tell someone how I really feel, though, and not just keep pretending all the time. I want to be able to say that I know it is ME as much as it is him and to try to understand why I find marriage so difficult. Just looking to see if anyone else can relate to this...


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I'm sorry your having to go through this. Perhaps you should try marital counselling with your husband, and maybe even solo counselling to find out what issue you feel you have. Talk to him about how he acts, and ask him honestly if he feels there is something wrong with you.


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## Luciddreamer (Apr 23, 2010)

Thanks for your reply Mrs. Segedy. The problem is that I have suggested counseling and he has rejected it (he also does not want to participate in the counseling my son receives, though it would be helpful for both of them if he would). 
I am not sure that he would think anything is that wrong -- that's the really sad part. I think for him the relationship is working... Of course, I am not in his head so I can't say for sure. I have tried to talk with him on numerous occasions but when things turn serious at all he tunes me out or changes the subject or otherwise refuses to discuss anything I see as a problem, even if it is something in ME. 
I have been to counseling, but not for a while. Can't say it has helped in this situation, but I might try again.
Edited to add: I think part of my problem is that I am actually a very independent person and something of a loner. I do like people and enjoy being around them, but... I also want (and need, I think) my own space. I need to be alone -- perhaps more than other people do. Maybe I have problems in marriages because I do want that alone time and I can't seem to get any -- in my current marriage I think my husband feels like I am "rejecting" him if I don't want to spend all my available time around him. Yet, while he wants me around, we have intimacy problems because we don't really communicate -- I am just supposed to be there, but not to really "be there" if that makes sense. There's no real depth to our communication and when I try, he shuts me out. But if I spend too much time reading on my own, for example, he will "pester" me and try to get me to talk to him, though it's not any talk that really engages me. Sigh. I don't know, sometimes I think I am just a bit cold-hearted and that I don't want people to be that close to me.


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