# Forgive or Relive is great advice



## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

The quote from AFEH that Conrad has as his sig line really hit home for me.

A while back I had posted about how my husband had quit a good job to go to another without even telling me. That job change was the biggest mistake he could have made. He was miserable and I was miserable. For years I had no sympathy for his misery. I felt he deserved it for being sneaky and doing this behind my back. I blamed him for my own misery. Wow. I was amazed when I realized how much resentment I had towards him because of this.

One day I just realized that I am married to a wonderful man, and together we needed to fix things so we would both be happy again. He made a mistake. We've all done it. It was time to stop resenting and punishing him for it.

His job was starting to affect his health and his sanity. I told him I was in full support of him finding a new job, even if it meant a pay cut. I'm not materialistic. As long as I have what we need, I'm happy. 

We were very fortunate and he found a new job within a month. What a difference in him since he began his new job! I have my old husband back. He's happier now. I'm happy and things have been so much better in our marriage. 

The change isn't just because of his new job, it's also because I finally let go of all the resentment I was holding in. It was very freeing. I'm now able to see him for the wonderful person he is without all that resentment clouding my view of him. 

I'm grateful to have realized this toxic fault of mine before it was too late. He is my love and I make sure he knows it every day. We've just celebrated our 15 yr. anniversary. It has been several months since I've let go of the resentment and life is so much better. The past is just that, the past and that's where it needs to stay.

I posted in the Men's clubhouse because I know the men who've helped me with their wisdom and life experience hang out in here. I hope I can pay it forward someday and help someone else.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

TAM could probably have it's own book of 'quotables'.

Between tragic stories, crazy rants, blow-job and threesome threads ... there is an invaluable amount of helpful wisdom to be found here.

Will never be able to repay the grace, wisdom, tolerance ... and killer dating moves I have picked up from TAM.


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## KayEffe (Jun 2, 2012)

bubbly girl said:


> The quote from AFEH that Conrad has as his sig line really hit home for me.
> 
> A while back I had posted about how my husband had quit a good job to go to another without even telling me. That job change was the biggest mistake he could have made. He was miserable and I was miserable. For years I had no sympathy for his misery. I felt he deserved it for being sneaky and doing this behind my back. I blamed him for my own misery. Wow. I was amazed when I realized how much resentment I had towards him because of this.
> 
> ...


I've been thinking about that quote since I saw it last night and it has made a huge difference between how I've been feeling these past few weeks and how I feel now, after coming across such a simple and yet powerful phrase. Suddenly I feel much lighter and happier. I made a sincere apology to my love for being so resentful towards him for what I thought were his mistakes when in truth, I'm the one who's always looking for (and "finding") red flags and signs of trouble when there were none because things were just "too perfect."

I feel so relieved and light and clear-headed for finally allowing myself to see him for the wonderful boyfriend he's always been!!


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

We've had many good times during this time, but those nasty resentful thoughts would always rear their ugly head from time to time.

If he was in a bad mood from work...resentment. He just had to take this job.

If he couldn't make it to an event...resentment. It was because of that stupid job he had to take.

If he was too tired to do anything...resentment. Yep, him and his stupid decision to take that job because he knew it would be a good move.

No sympathy for what he was dealing with because of his job, just resentment because of how his choices affected me and the kids.

Then I woke up and realized that if things are hard on me and the kids because of this job, they're even harder on him. Something in me changed and I wanted to support him and make him happy. 
After I told him that I was in full support of him finding a new job, I still supported him while he was at the one that was taking its toll on him. When he came home from work I listened if he wanted to complain. I empathized with him and did what I could to make him happy at home since their was no happiness at work. No judgements from me. No more hostility. He made a mistake and he was paying for it more than anyone. He didn't need me to punish him. He needed me to be there for him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You just opened the door to a new wonderful world.

It can be summed up in 3 words.

"Let it go"

Thanks for letting us know.





bubbly girl said:


> We've had many good times during this time, but those nasty resentful thoughts would always rear their ugly head from time to time.
> 
> If he was in a bad mood from work...resentment. He just had to take this job.
> 
> ...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bubbly girl said:


> He didn't need me to punish him. He needed me to be there for him.


Deejo posted an article in the "Long Term Success In Marriage" area http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/41820-9-secrets-happy-couples.html

When I first read this, I thought "yep, makes sense good article.." but I have clicked back on that link about 3 times now and each time I've read it, I have flashed to moments of my behavior over the years of where I have been lacking in certain moments for us and the importance of those 9 secrets. Reading your post here made me think of number 9 in the article. It's so very important to be on each others side. Good for you for letting it go. 

Onward and upward! :smthumbup:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s a joy to read about this sort of change in a person. We only see these things when we drop our ego, step away from it and look back at it. Our ego is where all our hurt and pain is and sometimes we get very attached to the memory of that pain such that it continues to cause not only ourselves hurt but others around us as well. Most especially those we love and those who love us the most when in fact what we should be doing is loving them and making their life better not worse.

Passive anger cannot exist without resentment. And passive anger is a killer of "loving actions", of "giving love" and therefore a killer of marriages.

These things are why I try and get people to read Awareness by Anthony de Mello. Essentially because he teaches “how” to get away from our ego such that we truly see and understand ourselves. And once our “ego blinkers” are off we get to see others how they truly are as well. Dropping our ego helps us in all walks of our life no matter what our situation or what age we are.


Sometimes taking our ego blinkers off reveals things about our self that we’d rather not see. That we’d rather not know. But to improve our self we must at times be brave and courageous and take a look into what Carl Jung calls our “shadow”. For it’s in our shadow that opportunities for our greatest improvements exist. Yet it’s our shadow that we cannot see while our ego blinds us.


I’m convinced that the resentful, passive aggressive people are actually very afraid of looking into their shadow and that’s why they remain as they are, a hard core passive aggressive.


Bubbly Girl, I hope you’ve already forgiven your self. If you haven’t then it is a thing for you to do. And also give yourself a little treat for making this massive change in your self and therefore your life. I feel really pleased for you and your family!


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Deejo posted an article in the "Long Term Success In Marriage" area http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/41820-9-secrets-happy-couples.html
> 
> When I first read this, I thought "yep, makes sense good article.." but I have clicked back on that link about 3 times now and each time I've read it, I have flashed to moments of my behavior over the years of where I have been lacking in certain moments for us and the importance of those 9 secrets. Reading your post here made me think of number 9 in the article. It's so very important to be on each others side. Good for you for letting it go.
> 
> Onward and upward! :smthumbup:


Just tried to follow that link, but it seems outdated. No article. Is there another one. Would really be interested to read it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

The Renegade said:


> Just tried to follow that link, but it seems outdated. No article. Is there another one. Would really be interested to read it.


This happened to me the other day - the link is working fine for me now. Anyway, I posted the body of the article in Deejo's thread so you can read it there.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> This happened to me the other day - the link is working fine for me now. Anyway, I posted the body of the article in Deejo's thread so you can read it there.


Suddenly working again. Got it. Thanks (Sorry).


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Bubbly Girl, I hope you’ve already forgiven your self. If you haven’t then it is a thing for you to do. And also give yourself a little treat for making this massive change in your self and therefore your life. I feel really pleased for you and your family!


That's the harder part...forgiving myself. I'm not beating myself up too much. There's nothing I can do to change the past. All I can do is make up for it by living each day as it's own. The past is the past and like his mistakes, mine are over and done with and I just need to put it behind us.

Right now I'm just enjoying every day I have with my husband.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

As we go through life we sort of “grow up”. That’s the plan anyway! This growing is often called “individuation”. It’s like we’re maturing into the person we are meant to be.

Take your good self. You weren’t meant to be a bitter and resentful old woman. One that sits there in their old age more or less cussing the world and people around them. You could look at it as that being the reason you’ve discovered the value of forgiveness.

Getting closer to the person we are meant to be means that we go through change in our lives. We generally change our most based on the challenges that life brings our way.

When you look back on your life you will see a sequence of Me’s. There was Me as a child, Me as a Teenager, Me as a girlfriend, Me as a new Bride and Wife, Me as a Mother, Me as a Grandmother. If one of your Grandchildren talks with you of problems in their marriage, what do you think one of the most important things is that you will teach them the value of? And what example do you think you will use?

But “You” have always been there all through your life, even though there’s been many versions of you and you’ve constantly changed. That “You” is known in de Mello’s terms as your “I”. You have one I but many Me’s.

And that’s the thing with forgiving yourself. We all do things which we think are right at the time. Basically it’s all we know, it’s all our ego has learnt at that stage of it’s development. But you are now a different person (a new Me) and your ego is more mature, wise and learned. So really when you forgive yourself for something you did in the past you are forgiving a “child of yourself”.

Growing up, maturing and become wiser is a thing to be celebrated. I don’t doubt for one second that your husband has forgiven you. So give your self that gift too and forgive your self.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Thank you, AFEH, for your kind words.

What you say makes complete sense. I've grown into a better me. 

And yes, I do believe my husband has forgiven me. He is a good man.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

When we choose to let go of resentment, spitefulness, false pride, and bull-headedness, things do get better! I'm so glad you guys were able to move past your problems.  So many people don't find a way out and it's nice to see that you two did.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Passive anger cannot exist without resentment. And passive anger is a killer of "loving actions", of "giving love" and therefore a killer of marriages.
> 
> These things are why I try and get people to read Awareness by Anthony de Mello. Essentially because he teaches “how” to get away from our ego such that we truly see and understand ourselves. And once our “ego blinkers” are off we get to see others how they truly are as well. Dropping our ego helps us in all walks of our life no matter what our situation or what age we are.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

We can't ignore the shadow and we can't obsess over it, either.

This is a really valuable observation, AFEH. Great post!


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