# What are the odds on reconciliation?



## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

I have recently discovered my boyfriend of 7 years has been having an affair with another woman since christmas. She apparently has wanted him for a long time and persued him until she got him. (I know, he didn't say no). He left me and moved in with her and cut all contact with me.

I have had no contact with him for just over a month. I am sticking to the 180 and its starting to make me feel better bit by bit, but I'm wondering - what are the odds on him changing his mind?

I think it's looking pretty bleak


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The odds are not good. But they are better start eating someone else


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Why the heck would you want to reconcile with him? Seriously!

Preserve your self respect and dignity and move on. He's a POS and you deserve better.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How desperate are you?

Boyfriend.

7 years.

Cheating.

9 months.

If he were to change his mind the appropriate question SHOULD be what are the odds on you wanting him back?

Because that is not the question I would lay odds of him cheating on you again if he were to want YOU back at 100%.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

The odds are not good but you should be grateful because if he is doing this now, he will always be doing it to you. You will get over this, keep taking it one day at a time and remember you survived the first broken heart. I hope you will love yourself enough to know that this event is a blessing in disguise and that other woman he is with? She's in for one hell of a journey, at least until she may get the lucky break you got or gets replaced.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R works for some and not for others. Why do you think (even if he came back tomorrow) that he's the type who would put in the very hard work that R requires? And that you wouldn't just be Plan B until someone else comes along?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Oh my dear - I'm sorry for the terrible pain you are certainly going through. I hate to say this, but it does make a difference that you weren't married: there were no vows and no witnesses to those vows and no friends or family to support a marriage (which is an entity unto itself) through any "difficult times." And I don't mean to imply that his abandoning you and breaking off all contact after moving in with the OW is a "difficult time" - it's WAY beyond that!

Even if you were married, there wouldn't be a lot of hope for reconciliation in a situation like this, but without the legal and social sanction that a marriage contract would have provided you, realistically there is much less of a chance for reconciliation.

Keep doing the 180 because that is designed to help YOU. It sometimes helps to attract a wayward, but not if they have no way to see the healthy behavior and positivity in you. Take care of yourself, and try to focus on looking forward and not back. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but with time you WILL feel better.

And - if by some miracle he DOES decide to come crawling back - please don't even THINK about marrying someone like him. He is clearly NOT marriage material! He has shown you who he is. Pay attention. If you married him, and he DIDN'T cheat down the line, that would be the shocker. You don't want to go through this with him again, do you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Not sure why you'd even want him back. Do the two of you have any children together? (I wouldn't think so if you've been 100% NC for over a month.)


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Hopefully for your sake you will ensure that the odds are 0% that you two get back together. This is an eternal truth and I hope you embrace it.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

squareone said:


> I have recently discovered my boyfriend of 7 years has been having an affair with another woman since christmas. She apparently has wanted him for a long time and persued him until she got him. (I know, he didn't say no). He left me and moved in with her and cut all contact with me.
> 
> I have had no contact with him for just over a month. I am sticking to the 180 and its starting to make me feel better bit by bit, but I'm wondering - what are the odds on him changing his mind?
> 
> I think it's looking pretty bleak


Be glad you didn't have a child and another one on the way 7 years into a marriage.

It may not feel like it now, but you've dodged a bullet, and if you learn from this, you won't waste your life chasing after people who don't care deeply for you and who don't share your values.


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your advice.
It's certainly been a terrible month, finding out information piece by piece. I'm not sure he even knows that I know about her but it doesn't really matter now anyway.

I know we weren't married but we lived together that whole time. It certainly felt like marriage, minus the piece of paper. No we don't have children together, and I'm pleased about that as he hasn't even contacted his own children since he's been gone. One of them even had a birthday in this time, and she never heard from him.

I still have a lot of his stuff at home. I don't know what to do with it. I do not want to become a storage facility.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Gotta toss my vote into the "Why do you want him back?" column. You've dated long enough to be married... and he has shown his marriage potential. He moved out and then you cut contact with him? Sorry, just move on... it'd be better for both of you, especially you.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

squareone said:


> I know we weren't married but we lived together that whole time. It certainly felt like marriage, minus the piece of paper. No we don't have children together, and I'm pleased about that as he hasn't even contacted his own children since he's been gone. One of them even had a birthday in this time, and she never heard from him.
> 
> I still have a lot of his stuff at home. I don't know what to do with it. I do not want to become a storage facility.


Wow. Well, at least you have seen him for what he really is. This speaks directly to his mental and emotional stability -- or, in this case, his complete and utter lack thereof. His poor kids. 

I'm not sure whether it's legal, or at what point property becomes truly abandoned, but if I were you, I'd investigate whether or not you can "rehome" his belongings to his children, if they're adults, or his family, or, as a last resort and only if there are no repercussions (legally or financially) to you, to a donation center. 

So sorry you're going through this. Hang in there and keep posting!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Contact an attorney about his stuff.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

squareone said:


> I have recently discovered my *boyfriend* of 7 years...


Seriously 7 Years?

You know that this is not the first time? 

I really don't see the issue... No marriage (no contract), No Lawyers needed, No Children, No Problem-o... box his crap up and send to storage unit, *then don't pay the 2nd months rent* on unit. Now it's his problem.

MoveOn.com


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Thank god you weren't married to this cowardly loser.

Do you know where he's living? Just box it all up and take it round and leave it in the front garden. Don't have to contact him or say anything to him. 

You do need to get rid of it otherwise you can't move on, felt so good getting every last bit of my ex out of my house


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

RWB said:


> Seriously 7 Years?
> 
> You know that this is not the first time?
> 
> ...


No disrespect but other than a piece of paper I really don't see what difference is makes whether he was my partner or husband. The feelings are still the same.

I was with a man for 11 years, married him, and it lasted for a year. We have children. Made no difference.

Also, I don't see why I should spend another cent on this man in the way of storage costs. For one, we don't have storage facilities in our little town, and his family are not from around here and I have no way of getting it to them even if they were.

I don't know where they live, but I know where she works.
It's tempting to dump it all at her workplace, but none of the other staff would be able to get out the driveway


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

No disrespect but other than a piece of paper I don't see how it matters much more whether married or not. It still hurts the same way.

I have been married before, we were together 11 years then got married, and it lasted a year. We have children. He never bothers with them.

The whole dating concept is kind of foreign where I live. It's always seemed strange to me that a person can be seeing several people at once, so they can get to know them and choose the one most suitable. Most people I know wouldn't tolerate that lol. So here, no one 'dates' for 7 years. They are exclusively together, ring or not. Apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick.

As far as my partners belongings go, aside from the fact we don't have storage units where I am, I wouldn't want to spend another cent on him even if there were. He's cost me enough already.


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Dollystanford said:


> Thank god you weren't married to this cowardly loser.
> 
> Do you know where he's living? Just box it all up and take it round and leave it in the front garden. Don't have to contact him or say anything to him.
> 
> You do need to get rid of it otherwise you can't move on, felt so good getting every last bit of my ex out of my house


Hi Dolly, no I don't know where her house is or I would dump them in the garden. In fact, I would scatter them all the way up the driveway 

You're right though, I do need them out of my house. In fact, I would like to move. I can't stand coming home, it just feels like him everywhere, its like his presence is here. Too many memories


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

squareone said:


> *No disrespect but other than a piece of paper I don't see how it matters much more whether married or not. It still hurts the same way.*
> 
> I have been married before, we were together 11 years then got married, and it lasted a year. We have children. He never bothers with them.
> 
> ...


To be clear, I don't think that anyone here has been or is being (intentionally) dismissive of the anguish and turmoil that you've doubtlessly experienced as a result of your boyfriend's betrayal; rather, what's been implied is that (very simply), since you and he are not married, there is nothing that _legally_ binds you to him, or vice versa. In other words, you're free! Well, from a legal perspective, anyway.

Sorry that you're here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

squareone said:


> Hi Dolly, no I don't know where her house is or I would dump them in the garden. In fact, I would scatter them all the way up the driveway
> 
> You're right though, I do need them out of my house. In fact, I would like to move. I can't stand coming home, it just feels like him everywhere, its like his presence is here. Too many memories


If you can afford to move, do that. Leave all of his stuff there. Text him after you've left w/ the last bit of your belongings to let him know that he has a couple of hours to get all of his things out before the new owners/tenants take possession of the residence.


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Thanks Gus, I do appreciate your input 

I have no way of contacting him, he doesn't have a phone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're welcome. And if you can't get in touch w/ him, just leave all of his stuff there.

Or sell it on eBay and CL. LOL.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with Gus. Sell his crap on ebay or dump it the way he dumped you.

And squareone. There are better guys out there than him.

Keep looking and stay positive.

If your last two men did not work out then start looking for a different kind of guy.

HM


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This would also be a great way to get rid of his things...

Bagster - Dumpster In A Bag

Just sayin'... :smthumbup:


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Thanks guys I need every bit of positivity right now. Gus I'm actually just sitting here having a cry and the dumpster bag thing made me LOL. Instant tear stopper! :smthumbup: I so wish we had those here, I'd be ordering one as we speak.

Happyman, you're so right, someone else even told me last week to step outside my comfort zone and choose someone who I wouldn't normally go for, and in a different social circle. I am keen to try that but unfortunately for me I live in a small town with a grand population of about 1500. I've been told by many that I won't find a decent guy here and I pretty much believe it. They're either alcoholics, cheaters, drug addicts, unemployed, 120 years old or taken.

Slim pickings in these parts I'm afraid


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

squareone said:


> Thanks guys I need every bit of positivity right now. Gus I'm actually just sitting here having a cry and the dumpster bag thing made me LOL. Instant tear stopper! :smthumbup: I so wish we had those here, I'd be ordering one as we speak.
> 
> Happyman, you're so right, someone else even told me last week to step outside my comfort zone and choose someone who I wouldn't normally go for, and in a different social circle. I am keen to try that but unfortunately for me I live in a small town with a grand population of about 1500. I've been told by many that I won't find a decent guy here and I pretty much believe it. They're either alcoholics, cheaters, drug addicts, unemployed, 120 years old or taken.
> 
> Slim pickings in these parts I'm afraid


Time for a move!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Square, is there a reason you HAVE to stay in that one-horse town? There are lots of guys looking for a good woman to love and be loved by. Where are you located, by the way? Doesn't sound like you're living in the US. Good luck to you in finding out what kind of a loser you were dating/living with. I think he's done you a great favor by leaving. Cheers! :toast: Now go and enjoy life!


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Thummper, my family also think he has done me a favour, its just hard to feel that right now.

No I'm not in the States, I'm pretty much on the opposite side of the planet in a little country down under. I would love to leave town but have no idea where I'd go even if I could. I am somewhat tied to staying as I bought a business here only a year ago.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Odds are not good unless for whatever reason they break up and he comes crawling back to you.

Even then why would you want him.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you pain gets less and less each day.

I also hope that you do something for yourself everyday.

Is your family close by to help support you?

Keep on with the 180, you would not want him back, he may have stds now.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I know it sucks, you are doing great by moving forward.

i echo what others have said, he is doing you a favor.

Dumping his stuff will help your frame of mind immensely!!


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