# Want to start an affair and need some tips.



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.

There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.

The woman is my wife. What are some tips for starting this affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...


Sounds like this song
Escape (Pina Colada Song)- Rupert Holmes (Music Video) - YouTube


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Active listening, my friend, active listening. 

Repeat back to her what she says when she is talking about her feelings. Better yet, paraphrase what she says. 

Be sincere; genuinely care about what she says to you. Don't get defensive and don't give information. Just focus on her, really listening and really trying to understand her. 

You may be shocked at all she reveals, at all that comes pouring out of her heart when you really, truly try to understand her. And you will be her hero.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Maybe you've just hit the head on the nail there, dude.

Dress a bit differently, go out and have experiences with her you'd not normally have (new, interesting places/activities), have a date together and pretend you are strangers getting to know each other.

I've heard it somewhere, that making a few changes to yourself, is a way of fooling the treacherous sub-conscious into thinking its got a new mate, and makes a second attempt at romance possible.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...


I think I see what you're doing here...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thound, I was really feeling lonely this winter, with dh gone so much. Sometimes he could not even skype me or call, because he was in places where the telecommunications were difficult.

So about a month ago, he took a week off work and took me out to CA. It was great. We were only gone about five days, but it was without the kids, and that just made a world of difference.

Could you get away, just the two of you, for even a short vacation? Just being able to relax, just the two of you, might really be restorative.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Sounds like this song
> Escape (Pina Colada Song)- Rupert Holmes (Music Video) - YouTube


Had a gf in 78. I broke up with her because she wouldnt quit playing that song..Among other things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Thound, I was really feeling lonely this winter, with dh gone so much. Sometimes he could not even skype me or call, because he was in places where the telecommunications were difficult.
> 
> So about a month ago, he took a week off work and took me out to CA. It was great. We were only gone about five days, but it was without the kids, and that just made a world of difference.
> 
> Could you get away, just the two of you, for even a short vacation? Just being able to relax, just the two of you, might really be restorative.


I would love to, but she take
S
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Thound said:


> I would love to, but she take
> S
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She takes care of her mother. stupid smart phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thound said:


> She takes care of her mother. stupid smart phone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could you take an afternoon together, maybe? Like Sandfly said, just do something different, that you know she would really like? 

Women get into affairs because they like the attention. They are tired of being taken for granted. 

Give her that attention, Thound. In a way that she wants it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thound said:


> Had a gf in 78. I broke up with her because she wouldnt quit playing that song..Among other things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was 11 and yes the stations played it too much.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...


That's awesome...totally had me fooled until the end. I was about thisclose to calling you something very unpleasant, because I know you know better.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> That's awesome...totally had me fooled until the end. I was about thisclose to calling you something very unpleasant, because I know you know better.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Start texting her flirts and progress to sexting. 

Make love to her mind and her body will follow.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Dread game


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> *Make love to her mind *and her body will follow.


:iagree:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Start texting her flirts and progress to sexting.
> 
> Make love to her mind and her body will follow.


:iagree:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Thound said:


> She takes care of her mother. stupid smart phone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are the circumstances with this situation? Does her mother need 24 hour care? Does your wife get a break? Can you fill us in a bit?
I recommend reading a book my husband and I recently finished. Here is a review I did on it: Discovering the Mind of a Woman: A Review | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World
My husband and I enjoyed reading the book together. We are about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary, but we learned some things from this book that helped to clarify why certain things were the way they were. It is really a terrific book.
If you just met your wife and were interested in her, what would you do to get her attention? What is your wardrobe like? Could you spruce it up a bit to be more up to date?
Is there anything she complains about that you could resolve without further discussion?
What attracted her to you in the first place?
Do you know what her love language is? Learning about that and giving her the things that make her feel loved would be good.
Notice what she is doing that is good and right, then compliment her on it. Don’t ever make anything up. Be honest.
Who does the cooking? If it’s her, does she like it when you join her in the kitchen?
Is there something you think the both of you would be interested in learning or studying together?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Also, have you been praying specifically for your wife and also for your marriage? You could ask the Lord to reveal to you what you need to do to bring about positive change in your marriage, as well as to know, understand and resolve any issues that need to be taken care of.
Proverbs 3:5-6


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

This is one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. Show this to her. It would melt my heart.
I really hope you succeed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Sounds like this song
> Escape (Pina Colada Song)- Rupert Holmes (Music Video) - YouTube


One of my all time favorite songs.

And my wife loves Pina Colada!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

This made me cry. Your wife is a lucky woman. I hope you can find a way to make this work.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

inarut said:


> This is one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. Show this to her. It would melt my heart.
> I really hope you succeed!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nah. She is one of those practical people and would probably glance at it and move on. I have never seen a woman like her. Practical, logical, never makes decisions based on emotions. Sometimes great other times not so much.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thound said:


> Nah. She is one of those practical people and would probably glance at it and move on. I have never seen a woman like her. Practical, logical, never makes decisions based on emotions. Sometimes great other times not so much.


Lol, Thound. I bet many men are jealous of you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Lol, Thound. I bet many men are jealous of you.



Prolly. On the bright side we have a hefty sum for retirement. She is very frugal. House is paid off my truck is paid off. Paid cash for my bay house. No big bills.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe do the opposite and have her suspect that you ARE having an affair? Pretending to be secretive, dressing/acting different, pretending to not want to be home. For example stopping at the library or coffee shop.....have her miss you and wonder....where is he? :scratchhead: Give her a real trial run of what it would feel like to her if you WERE fooling around.

I am not being disrespectful to your wife at all. Maybe it will shake her up. Right now you are too predictable in her eyes friend...become a hard arse...

Tough times come for tough measures...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

over20 said:


> Maybe do the opposite and have her suspect that you ARE having an affair? Pretending to be secretive, dressing/acting different, pretending to not want to be home. For example stopping at the library or coffee shop.....have her miss you and wonder....where is he? :scratchhead: Give her a real trial run of what it would feel like to her if you WERE fooling around.
> 
> I am not being disrespectful to your wife at all. Maybe it will shake her up. Right now you are too predictable in her eyes friend...
> 
> Tough times comes for tough measures...


I think she mentioned to my DIL that she was worried i was on my way out since I have lost weight and bulked up. I don't really want her to think I'm stepping out, because I wouldn't want her to do that to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thound said:


> Prolly. On the bright side we have a hefty sum for retirement. She is very frugal. House is paid off my truck is paid off. Paid cash for my bay house. No big bills.


That is great, Thound. You two are an example for all of us.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thound said:


> I think she mentioned to my DIL that she was worried i was on my way out since I have lost weight and bulked up. I don't really want her to think I'm stepping out, because I wouldn't want her to do that to me.


You are doing this because you love her deeply and YOU want to save your marriage! If she loves and craves you friend, she will eventually start to change and loose her complacent attitude. Remember though, she has years of bad habits that she would have to undo and change about herself. This does not happen over night. You will become sexier and more attractive to her. 


Change your cologne, wear a tie, watch different TV shows....just my thoughts....and I pray your situation will turn around soon.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

starting a texting affair with her is a great place to start... 

follow bandits advice. start with compliments and progress to sexting. you would be surprised at how intoxicating that can be.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> starting a texting affair with her is a great place to start...
> 
> follow bandits advice. start with compliments and progress to sexting. you would be surprised at how intoxicating that can be.


Been thinking about that. I just need to go slow and build to a simmer.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> starting a texting affair with her is a great place to start...
> 
> follow bandits advice. start with compliments and progress to sexting. you would be surprised at how intoxicating that can be.


I am not being argumentative....but then doesn't it give her more power and him less if she does not reciprocate? :scratchhead:


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

jld said:


> Active listening, my friend, active listening.
> 
> Be sincere; genuinely care about what she says to you. Don't get defensive and don't give information. Just focus on her, really listening and really trying to understand her.
> 
> You may be shocked at all she reveals, at all that comes pouring out of her heart when you really, truly try to understand her. And you will be her hero.


I really agree with this. Try to actually understand her. Understand what makes her happy, her hobbies etc. and actually take interest in them. I think i would have the best "affair" with my husband if he would actually turn the radio to the music I like to listen to without him judging it, If he would take me to the park to kick a soccer ball around (I love soccer and he has never once shown interest in doing that with me), picked out one of those "horrible" romance movies and watch it with me (without him complaining!), and I would love it if he would just sweep me off my feet and rush me to the bed! (that may be in more of your interest though, not sure). Its the simple things that really show that you care. You don't have to love the things she loves. Such as shopping! But it means a LOT to a women if you show that you don't mind sacrificing yourself every now and then just for her benefit.  Good Luck!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...


I completely missed the "this woman is my wife" part until after reading a few posts down. I was shocked and a little encouraged that people were actually giving positive responses to something like that for a change.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

over20 said:


> I am not being argumentative....but then doesn't it give her more power and him less if she does not reciprocate? :scratchhead:


the idea is to compliment her on something that is believable(to her) at first. if its something that they can perceive as true, it will make her feel good to be acknowledged. you really want to be the source of those good feelings... 

then just keep progressing from things that make her say "DUH!" to things that make her say "i had no idea you noticed!"

etc etc etc. 

definitely gotta start simple though... make sure its a natural progression.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

True...I, maybe I am wrong, thought she was past any kind of receptive courting like this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> the idea is to compliment her on something that is believable(to her) at first. if its something that they can perceive as true, it will make her feel good to be acknowledged. you really want to be the source of those good feelings...
> 
> then just keep progressing from things that make her say "DUH!" to things that make her say "i had no idea you noticed!"
> 
> ...


Kinda did this yesterday. I wont go into detail here, but after my initial text she responded "what"


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Thound said:


> Nah. She is one of those practical people and would probably glance at it and move on. I have never seen a woman like her. Practical, logical, never makes decisions based on emotions. Sometimes great other times not so much.





jld said:


> Lol, Thound. I bet many men are jealous of you.


I would think, after reading Thound's first post, on this thread, that many woman are jealous of his wife! 

Thound, that was one of the most beautiful posts that I have ever read on TAM, or anywhere, for that matter. I do hope that you will soon find a way to have a beautiful affair with your wife!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

EI said:


> I would think, after reading Thound's first post, on this thread, that many woman are jealous of his wife!
> 
> Thound, that was one of the most beautiful posts that I have ever read on TAM, or anywhere, for that matter. I do hope that you will soon find a way to have a beautiful affair with your wife!


Thank you. You are very kind.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Thound said:


> Kinda did this yesterday. I wont go into detail here, but after my initial text she responded "what"


If she isn't used to it, she was probably confused.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

over20 said:


> True...I, maybe I am wrong, thought she was past any kind of receptive courting like this.


i dont think anyone is passed this kind of courting. the difference is where they start. 

for my wife, when she had plenty of resentment built up against me, i had to disarm the resentment by telling her she was right, i needed to help, etc. and then strategically plan out how i would help out around the house so she would see it. then i would text her that i hoped it helped her out, just to remind her that i WAS trying to help, even though at the time i thought she was treating me poorly. 

that progressed to compliments. eventually it progressed to sexting. 


i guess the texts allowed me to say to her what i WANTED to say, without her being able to read how i actually felt. while i was texting her compliments, i often felt disconnected and hurt, but i figured if i didnt step out on a limb, we might never get better. 

i did my best to make her feel good from my texts. eventually, she started doing the same thing. when it reached the point of telling each other explicit details of what we wanted to do for and to each other in bed, we were both so deep into the fog that we couldnt think of anything else. at one point, i literally started talking about my wife to a professor of mine, in the middle of a conversation about global politics... she was just always on my mind. 

the beauty of a text message is that the only emotion that comes with it is that which is portrayed by the words themselves. the person that receives it adds the rest. so, if the words are clearly positive...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I started off with a few cards, some notes with song lyrics, fantasy letters. No signatures. 

Progressed from there...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If your hair is long, cut it short. If it's short, grow it out. By yourself a motorcycle and hit the gym. 

Seriously, a lot of it will come down to communication. The thing I'd start with is "how well do you know your wife today?". Try to catch up, get to know each other as if you two just started dating. Also, date frequently as if you two are just starting out.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like everything comes down to: Give her attention.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Want to start an affair and need some tips.*



jld said:


> It sounds like everything comes down to: Give her attention.


Or catch her attention?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Or catch her attention?


I think giving her attention will make that happen.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

But when is enough , enough....I mean when are the tables turned around to giving the husband the proper attention? :scratchhead:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

over20 said:


> But when is enough , enough....I mean when are the tables turned around to giving the husband the proper attention? :scratchhead:


She seems to have lost interest in him. He explained why in another thread. The ball is in his court. It will not happen overnight. I could take many months to turn this around. You seem to be discouraging his efforts to resolve his marriage problems.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am sorry...I mean no ill will...I am trying to defend a husband's position. She has to be held accountable too! It is a two way street. He is the ultimate husband. Sometimes one needs to back away a little to allow the negative spouse to COURT them.....I did suggest this very thing in the affair thread. I just don't want him to come across too needy. He has so much to offer. His wife needs a lesson in tough love if I might say...Dr. James Dobson


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thound said:


> Kinda did this yesterday. I wont go into detail here, but after my initial text she responded "what"


This kind of reaction scares me for him.....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound, you are awesome! Loved that post and you really got me! I was reading and thinking oh no...and then got to the end. You big sweetheart you!

You've worked out, bulked up, tidied up, cleaned up, but you haven't TALKED!!!!

Dude...you gotta be the man that says "wife, I don't like feeling whether my presence here in our home is an afterthought! When I get home tonight I want a big smooch and you better not have the table set cause when I knock everything off and bend you over...." Uh you get the rest right?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

im gonna have to read up on thounds history to fully understand what over20 is commenting on... 

i think im missing something...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> im gonna have to read up on thounds history to fully understand what over20 is commenting on...
> 
> i think im missing something...


Nope, she's missing something. She won't be happy until all men have all the power over all women and women are on a leash.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I don't know for sure...I just have gotten the impression he puts in more effort than her.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

over20 said:


> I don't know for sure...I just have gotten the impression he puts in more effort than her.


yep, just read up a little bit... and she sounds lazy. 

i say, get rid of the TV...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am so sad...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Nope, she's missing something. She won't be happy until all men have all the power over all women and women are on a leash.


from what i have seen, i dont think thats the case... his wife does seem to be withdrawn. 


too many distractions i guess. that makes it hard on thound to really make a difference in their relationship.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> yep, just read up a little bit... and she sounds lazy.
> 
> i say, get rid of the TV...


I assure you she is not lazy. It's just in the evenings she unwinds with TV.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

over20 said:


> I don't know for sure...I just have gotten the impression he puts in more effort than her.


True now, but that wasn't always the case.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

What were the things in the beginings of the marriage that were great; that turned her on? Was she ever passionate?

What are the little things that she likes to do?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i still suggest getting rid of the TV


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> i still suggest getting rid of the TV


That would be very controlling. I would not recommend it at all. She is not a child. She is his wife.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> That would be very controlling. I would not recommend it at all. She is not a child. She is his wife.


every body always thinks its controlling.

meanwhile, i went ahead and did it and my marriage improved.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> every body always thinks its controlling.
> 
> meanwhile, i went ahead and did it and my marriage improved.


Good for you. It's still controlling.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> Good for you. It's still controlling.


its no more controlling than anything else that gets banned from a household. if it takes precedence over the relationship, it shouldn't be in the house.

im not afraid to come across as controlling once in a while in order to save my marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Good for you. It's still controlling.


On the surface maybe, but it's no more controlling than a wife who insists certain towels be folded a certain way...so that they all fit in the linen closet without falling out if the door is opened.

Okay, maybe I am controlling. But I have a neat linen closet!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Take her to this: Find a Weekend Near You | WWME

^^Pay close attention to what works at fostering romance on the weekend and repeat at home. 

Personally I find Asladain's version of M is extremely scary and triggering so unless you have a pattern in your M where your wife could take your computer and throw it out the window because you use internet porn and you would be perfectly happy and submissive to that because "it is for the good of the M" don't be unilaterally removing the TV.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Take her to this: Find a Weekend Near You | WWME
> 
> ^^Pay close attention to what works at fostering romance on the weekend and repeat at home.
> 
> Personally I find Asladain's version of M is extremely scary and triggering so unless you have a pattern in your M where your wife could take your computer and throw it out the window because you use internet porn and you would be perfectly happy and submissive to that because "it is for the good of the M" don't be unilaterally removing the TV.


i think your reading too much into it. i stopped paying for cable and the tv became my wifes new computer monitor. our evenings are now spent playing board games, doing puzzles, baking cupcakes, etc. 

im not as controlling or violent as you seem to think i am...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> On the surface maybe, but it's no more controlling than a wife who insists certain towels be folded a certain way...so that they all fit in the linen closet without falling out if the door is opened.


^^It's different. How would your husband feel if you unilaterally got rid of his laptop because his porn use was interfering with the M?

As for the towels, I like them a certain way too and every once in awhile I have to go fix them because not everyone who puts towels away has the hang of it (My H has never put a towel away in the 32 years we've been married.)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> i think your reading too much into it. i stopped paying for cable and the tv became my wifes new computer monitor. our evenings are now spent playing board games, doing puzzles, baking cupcakes, etc.
> 
> im not as controlling or violent as you seem to think i am...


I don't think anyone has accused you of being either controlling or violent. However, getting rid of the tv without the wife's agreement is controlling behavior. We all do controlling things, because we are trying to control our lives, that does not mean we are all a bunch of controlling, violent people.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> i think your reading too much into it. i stopped paying for cable and the tv became my wifes new computer monitor. our evenings are now spent playing board games, doing puzzles, baking cupcakes, etc.
> 
> *im not as controlling or violent as you seem to think i am...*


Aren't you the one with the whole series of posts about the master/slave BDSM relationship you and your wife have?

That sounds like the very definition of controlling and violent to me...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> i think your reading too much into it. i stopped paying for cable and the tv became my wifes new computer monitor. our evenings are now spent playing board games, doing puzzles, baking cupcakes, etc.
> 
> im not as controlling or violent as you seem to think i am...


My perception of you is permanently influenced by your thread awhile back on the private forum. Let's not hijack Thound's thread with it, K? I lived a very long dark time being a submissive wife and I reject it completely for myself and anyone else whom I can influence (I have 8 children from ages 11-29)

Thound does not strike me as the type who would get off on a "power over" dynamic. 

/tangent


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> Aren't you the one with the whole series of posts about the master/slave BDSM relationship you and your wife have?
> 
> That sounds like the very definition of controlling and violent to me...


Close but no. He is his wife's Dominant. Keep in mind, this is a consentual agreement that SHE requested.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Aren't you the one with the whole series of posts about the master/slave BDSM relationship you and your wife have?
> 
> That sounds like the very definition of controlling and violent to me...


you mean the relationship dynamic my wife asked me for? the one i was opposed to for years?

i guess i was so controlling that for years i was afraid to be her Dom, because, you know, "men dont treat women like that". 

yep, good old controlling me...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Blonde said:


> ^^It's different. How would your husband feel if you unilaterally got rid of his laptop because his porn use was interfering with the M?
> 
> As for the towels, I like them a certain way too and every once in awhile I have to go fix them because not everyone who puts towels away has the hang of it (My H has never put a towel away in the 32 years we've been married.)


And that's the difference. If I felt his porn use or TV viewing was ruining the marriage, I would have NO problems getting rid of them.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blonde said:


> My perception of you is permanently influenced by your thread awhile back on the private forum. * Let's not hijack Thound's thread with it, K*? I lived a very long dark time being a submissive wife and I reject it completely for myself and anyone else whom I can influence (I have 8 children from ages 11-29)
> 
> Thound does not strike me as the type who would get off on a "power over" dynamic.
> 
> /tangent


fair enough.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> And that's the difference. If I felt his porn use or TV viewing was ruining the marriage, I would have NO problems getting rid of them.


:smthumbup:

what's good for the goose is good for the gander

I can't argue with equal rights.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> And that's the difference. If I felt his porn use or TV viewing was ruining the marriage, I would have NO problems getting rid of them.


neither would my wife


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Dont really care for porn anymore, but point well taken. I want to be a leader, but not a controlling husband. There is really only one or two shows she really watches and the season is almost over. I have the same problem when football season comes around so I cant say a whole lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Thound said:


> Dont really care for porn anymore, but point well taken. I want to be a leader, but not a controlling husband. There is really only one or two shows she really watches and the season is almost over. I have the same problem when football season comes around so I cant say a whole lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being a leader means to go first and to set a standard. It is not about being controlling. Jesus is an example of powerful leader who didn't force anyone to do anything. He led by example and by calling people to come along and learn from Him.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Good for you. It's still controlling.


You might not say that if it were a computer and the husband was using it to view porn and he was constantly neglecting/rejecting his wife. I'm not saying that viewing porn/neglecting spouse are exactly the same as watching too much TV/neglecting spouse, but the outcome for the neglected spouse is often the same. They are left feeling neglected, rejected, alone, frustrated, unhappy, and unloved. That does not make for a healthy marriage. 

I do understand your point about it not being healthy/acceptable for one spouse to try to control the other. I was the WS in my marriage. We are almost 23 months into what is becoming a very healthy/happy marriage and successful reconciliation. Still, I would not want to feel "controlled" by my spouse. Suffice it to say, I willingly demonstrate accountability and self-control, these days, and have gone to great lengths to do so, in order for my husband to feel secure enough, in my love for him, and my commitment to him, to allow trust and mutual love to be re-established in our marriage. 

Even though there has been no infidelity in Thound's marriage, there is definitively a lack of healthy communication, emotional, and physical intimacy. Even without infidelity, this can destroy a relationship. Sometimes, it takes a *BOLD* statement to get someone's attention. I wouldn't find fault with Thound, at all, if he were to throw the television out of the second story window. Then, when he has her full attention, he can tell her that it's time to talk or walk.

I think it would get her attention!  Hell, it might even turn her on. It would me!


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> On the surface maybe, but it's no more controlling than a wife who insists certain towels be folded a certain way...so that they all fit in the linen closet without falling out if the door is opened.
> 
> *Okay, maybe I am controlling. But I have a neat linen closet!*


Me, too, and I like it that way! My linen closets, and all of my drawers, rock! 

BTW, I can, also, fold a fitted sheet like nobody's business.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Thound said:


> Dont really care for porn anymore, but point well taken. I want to be a leader, but not a controlling husband. There is really only one or two shows she really watches and the season is almost over. I have the same problem when football season comes around so I cant say a whole lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i get addicted to TV shows easily... i didnt really have TV growing up, so when i got married and got cable, it was like giving alcohol to an indian...

my wife would watch a show and i would sit down and not say a single word, just glued to the TV screen. so, one day i realized that we had hardly spoken all week, except to argue. i cancelled the cable the next day. 

i guess i should have mentioned that i was the one addicted to TV...

for some reason i kept thinking it was implied. my bad folks.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

thound, are there any board games you can play with your wife? card games? hobbies? 

it really doesnt matter what it is, if you can have a whole bunch of positive experiences with her, your relationship will improve.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> i still suggest getting rid of the TV


I don't know about getting rid of the tv, but they can at least set some ground rules. 

For us, we don't have a tv in our bedroom. The bedroom is our "escape" just for us.  We also limit tv time in the living room to a max of one hour an evening or some time agreed upon, so we can have more active time together(talking, cuddling, playing board games, doing other things). It's important for us to make that time together because it can be hard to come by with a 9 month old baby. On days we both have off work, we try to go out to do things(usually with our son). We'll go hiking, explore a new area of a different city, go to the beach, take a bike ride, or something else that we both enjoy. It's an active effort as we try to help our marriage get to where we want it to be(we've struggled a lot, but we're getting there). 

Not sure if that could work for you OP, but might be things to think about.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...


Awe.....Thound, I just fell in love with you falling in love with your wife. (After reading the first couple sentences in your second paragraph I wanted to hit you over the head with something hard...until I read on) How sweet. You say you have tried to get close to her for years but to no avail, what things have you done in your efforts?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...



When I started to read this, I thought, "OMG, this sounds like my husband!" Right down to "The women is my wife." and past. The differences is, mine is begging me to forgive him for an affair. 

Thound, your words, really strike a cord. 

-sammy


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Mrs. T said:


> Awe.....Thound, I just fell in love with you falling in love with your wife. (After reading the first couple sentences in your second paragraph I wanted to hit you over the head with something hard...until I read on) How sweet. You say you have tried to get close to her for years but to no avail, what things have you done in your efforts?


Mostly I have started being a husband. I have been taking care of things because they need to be done instead of waiting to be told or asked. When she talks to me, I stop what I'm doing and listen to her. I have taken more of an active role in finical decisions. I have always told her I loved her, now I'm trying to show her I love her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> When I started to read this, I thought, "OMG, this sounds like my husband!" Right down to "The women is my wife." and past. The differences is, mine is begging me to forgive him for an affair.
> 
> Thound, your words, really strike a cord.
> 
> -sammy


I'm so sorry you were cheated on. I cannot think of anything worse a partner could do to someone they supposedly love. I hope he is truly repentant and I hope you can forgive him. And even if you do you will never forget. Unless you get Alzhimers.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EI said:


> Me, too, and I like it that way! My linen closets, and all of my drawers, rock!
> 
> BTW, I can, also, fold a fitted sheet like nobody's business.


You MUST do a YouTube video!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thound said:


> Mostly I have started being a husband. I have been taking care of things because they need to be done instead of waiting to be told or asked. When she talks to me, I stop what I'm doing and listen to her. I have taken more of an active role in finical decisions. I have always told her I loved her, now I'm trying to show her I love her.


This is great! :smthumbup:

I hope many, many husbands read this!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Could you tell her that you would like to spend time together with her on things which will romance back into your relationship?

I would love to take a salsa class or ballroom dancing with H. (Unfortunately we live in the middle of nowhere and I am not willing to drive hours round trip so extracurriculars are seriously constrained by location...)


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Could you tell her that you would like to spend time together with her on things which will romance back into your relationship?
> 
> I would love to take a salsa class or ballroom dancing with H. (Unfortunately we live in the middle of nowhere and I am not willing to drive hours round trip so extracurriculars are seriously constrained by location...)


I would love to learn ballroom dancing. I have asked her before, but she didnt want to at that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Is your wife overwhelmed by caring for her mother? Could you elaborate on that situation?


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

Thound said:


> I would love to learn ballroom dancing. I have asked her before, but she didnt want to at that time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thound - just do it. You are the leader of the relationship. As a masculine husband, invite your wife to join you, in a loving and respectful way. If she is on the fence, LEAD her, persuade her with how much fun it will be, will be exciting and something to shake things up and talk about. If she flat out refuses, tell her that's too bad, because you would prefer HER as your partner, but since you'll be going ALONE, you'll likely end up having to be paired up with some stranger. And then sign up, and DO IT. Don't back down just because she won't do it, that is NOT masculine. You do not have to put your life on hold for your wife. You do not have to subvert your pleasure in order to try to "make her happy". You want her to share something with you, you invited her, you prefer her with you, but she ultimately has her own choice. So do you. Enjoy your life. Let her see you enjoying your life whether she chooses to be with you or not. Tell her anytime she wants to join you, she is welcome to. Don't make her feel bad about it, just let her see that you can enjoy your life on your own. 

I’m not familiar with your story but I already have an idea what the problem is. 

My spiel here is always the same, because it’s real & it works. Nearly every major problem I see on this site, from a man's perspective, is due to some combination of two things - meeting her needs, and being masculine. Anyone who fully understands exactly what it is to meet a woman's needs, and to be masculine in the truest sense, knows this too. Unfortunately very few truly understand either of those concepts, and/or are not responsible enough to own it and take charge of their lives rather than play victim, and/or are riddled with all kinds of misunderstandings about meeting needs and what it is to be “masculine”. And indeed the devil is in the details.

I'd ask you if you understand about knowing and meeting your wife's needs. Are you doing it, correctly, consistently, knowledgeably, lovingly, sincerely? From this thread sounds like you're just now starting to become aware of this, and trying. Keep learning and keep trying.

Then I'd ask you if you are being as masculine as you are capable of being. Are you confident in yourself? Confident in how to handle her? In control of your emotions at all times and use them appropriately? A source of positive manly energy? The leader of the relationship? Etc.

I’d be focusing on those concepts and all that they entail. Then let time do its job. 

How do you know your fully meeting her needs? Because she’ll tell you in one way or the other. You’ll see it in her eyes, her face, the way she carries herself, her attitude, how she interacts with you and anyone else. You’ll know, there will be no doubt in your mind. You won’t think “she SHOULD be happy” – she WILL be happy, and you’ll know it and so will she and so will your kids and anyone else who knows her. You’ll be amazed. I was. I still am. And I used to think I was doing a pretty good job...ha. I’m so confident in this that I bet I could take nearly any woman here who is not very satisfied and happy, and turn her life around. Because I would figure out her needs, which I know I could, and then meet them full blast, consistently. Whole new woman. If someone’s wife is not entirely satisfied and happy, they are vulnerable to someone who knows how to do this. So YOU need to be "that guy" for your wife.

How do you know you’re being masculine? Because you’ll feel good about yourself regardless of her mood, her emotions, you’ll be in charge of your own emotions, and you’ll know how to handle her whether she’s affectionate and loving towards you or whether she’s unleashing a sh!tstorm on you. That also includes letting her, and anyone else in your life know without question that you will not be anyone’s doormat, through your words and your actions. You're a rock, you're a leader, you're a good guy but you don't take sh!t from ANYONE PERIOD, EVER. You’re good without her, although your strong preference is to have her in your life. You meet her needs because you are the man who knows her and that’s just the kind of man you are to those you care about – you don’t do it so that she will “reward” you with sex or affection or whatever. You let her decide whether she wants to give that to you or not. You just do your thing. She’ll either begin to move closer to you, or she’ll decide to remain unhappy and will watch you go forward living your life enjoyably without her. But most women would choose to get closer to a guy who fulfills them and makes them feel wonderful all the time and is a masculine man who behaves and operates attractively, and once she is sure he’s the real deal, she will choose that.

And you will also notice that she increasingly becomes drawn to you in those intimate ways that us guys love so much. Frequently. You'll never need to "ask" again. It will all just happen naturally - which is the best way, the way it should be.

My two cents friend, hope it enlightens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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