# Please help me



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I have been married for 7 yrs and together for 9. My spouse said our relationship was over 1 1/2 yrs ago because he was tired of being my punching bag and I would not change my behavior even after apologizing. I am unemployed, looking for work and devastated. We are in divorce mode w/paralegal and my final appt is next wk and the papers will be filed. All pre-marital assets except for home (on market and we're stuck living in separate wings because we can't afford mortgage and rent). When this started 3 months ago, we tried having sex and sp unable to, I made the mistake of trying to make a joke and realized how clumsy that was but to me it didn't change his manliness but it did to him. I apologized several times about my handling of the situation but that went no where. The following week, he bought a motorcycle, dyed his moustache and went on a camping trek for 2 wks (in April) and another one (12 days) in May and just keeps leaving me. He says he doesn't like me or love me anymore (he's going away this month for 2 wks) and yet he bought me jewelry,new chairs and built a garden: all recent. Help I don't want divorce but he does. Is there anything I can do? He won't go to marriage counseling. He is 64 and I am 54. I am still in love. What do I do?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Even if he won't go to counseling I would suggest that you go for yourself.

It sounds like your H may be having a mid life crisis of some sort.

When he said you used him as your punching bag, what does he mean by that? What did you apologize for? Have you stopped the behavior?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

It was everytime one of family members was going on a self destruct course through drug abuse or dangerous decisions I would be upset and then take it out on him. He is able to compartmentalize I am not. I am going to counseling next wk, new appt and had been to counseling prior for a few years with different issues. He keeps running away and he started a facebook a/c, (he is retired I am not) and all he does is talk on cell, text (his sister he says, they are very close), old college and high school friends, pet his motorcycle and on the whole ignores me. I would apologize to him when I took my frustration out on him. Yes I stopped the behavior when I finally turned that powerlessness over people, places, and things to God.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My concern is that he has made it very clear he is no longer interested in the marriage. I must be in the minority because when I heard that, my reaction was "ok, then f-you!". I am very sad and going through a really rough time but I am not trying to change his mind. If he comes around, he comes around.

Just go about living your life and leave him alone. It seems many times they need to see you've moved on without him. Possibly that might bring him back to earth.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He doesn't want a divorce. Folks who want a divorce buy a lawyer and go to court. He bought a bike and went camping. He's having himself a vacation from the marriage, probably due to a midlife crisis and he probably figures when he's tired of it, he'll come home to you. Seems to me that you could give him some space and wait it out. I think 1.5 years is long enough for someone to figure out whether they want to be married or not. If a woman did that to me, I'd give her a few months of freedom and then I'd file. 
That'd force her to get out of the boat or to pick up an oar.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I really appreciate your comments. I have been feeling so depressed and defeated. He said he would go pro se (no lawyer) and I am his third marriage but he told me the other two really didn't matter and that he had really tried with me because he loved me. He screamed in my face a couple weeks ago that "I loved you and I hate you, I hate you". I am flipping. I am not saying anything to him about his vacations, I just say be safe or sounds like fun. He is supposed to call in his non-marital assets to the paralegal and he hasn't done so yet. My appt is next Wednesday. I keep hoping he will stop this but he doesn't. One day he would wear his wedding ring, then off it goes, when he went on trips he left it here. He wore once this week but when I got back from para legal it was off. I am so confused.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> He doesn't want a divorce. Folks who want a divorce buy a lawyer and go to court. He bought a bike and went camping. He's having himself a vacation from the marriage, probably due to a midlife crisis and he probably figures when he's tired of it, he'll come home to you. Seems to me that you could give him some space and wait it out. I think 1.5 years is long enough for someone to figure out whether they want to be married or not. If a woman did that to me, I'd give her a few months of freedom and then I'd file.
> That'd force her to get out of the boat or to pick up an oar.


I feel like the a-hole here, but they have a final court date. I would be thrilled to hear a reconciliation story!! I hesitate to tell people "don't worry, he's going to come back" because nothing is worse than living with false hope and to have your world squashed by the sad reality of divorce.

I would still live your life without nagging, begging and crying. He knows you don't want the divorce-if you haven't told him I would tell him but without the begging. Just simply "I don't want this and I really hope you change your mind. Let me know what you need from me." and then go about your business.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

That is very good advice staircase. I told him yesterday I still loved him and that this is one of the low points in my life but that didn't seem to result in anything productive. I will try and work up the courage to say I don't want this divorce perhaps before my AA meeting (chicken little) but I have had so much pain but you are right that is the real question: Do you want a divorce? PS There is no court date, papers have not been signed, yet. He still hasn't called the paralegal as of this moment to give verbal pre-marital assets. He is out on motorcycle getting bacon so he can make BLT's for us. I am going NUTS with the mixed messages.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

OH, sorry I read that incorrectly! I hope he is just having a "moment" and will snap back into the marriage.

lol @ "he's on his motorcycle getting bacon"


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks for your input all I really need to share and get feedback. To clear things up, unbelievable remarked about 18 months but he said that 3 months ago not 18. Hey men out there, why does he wear the wedding ring at times, why is making breakfast, why does he act cold, then warm, then hides in his room texting and calling, not sharing with me. I don't get it. Is this a mid life crisis?


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