# respect for time



## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

Hello i am new to this site and am glad I found it. 

I love my wife lots but have to vent. This happened at least 2x before; it does not happen often but boy does it push my buttons!

Heres what happened: I hauled myself from work and then the gym to home to be with my wife; we spend lots of good times having dinner then watching TV or movies or just talking. 

Yesterday she ran into the neighbor down the street and was talking with her. No problem. Nice neighbor. She was walking the dog so I said hello and then took the dog home. My wife was still talking. I went home and waited 15, 20, 25 minutes. I had dinner. 40 minutes passed. I went outside to see what the matter was. Maybe something happened...I walked down the street...She was still talking. Its 7:40PM, the clock is ticking and hadnt even spent any time with my wife today. 

Thats when I said to her outside "I thought I lost my wife....I had dinner already." She came home soon after and she saw how steamed I was. We loosely made plans for dinner. I dont demand anything; we plan and I help her cook the vast majority of time so thats not the issue. 

We argued about it. Im at work now and tired from arguing. She feels like I am controlling but thats not the point I am making; the point is one of respect for the other's time. Thats all. 

I know theres lots of neighborhood issues to talk about with neighbors. I know my pregnant wife needs to socialize, but a heads up or something to let me know what the deal is would be respectful since I was expecting (or thought) we were going to be doing our activities. 15, 20 minutes OK caught up in conversation. 40+ minutes and Im wondering whats going on??? 

If I hadnt interrupted the conversation it could have been 1+ hours! Past 8PM and no dinner with wife. I know people need to talk but c'mon. I feel a little walked on. 

Everyone has buttons to be pushed, this is one of mine. 
Just some input needed guys.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Is she a stay at home mom?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hmm interesting. I would have eaten and moved on from there. My wife places a 5 hr phone every Saturday to one of her relatives. No point in trying to change that, so I work around it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband has done this to me and it annoys the crap out of me. He's the bigger talker. What I did was quit waiting on him. I'll eat dinner and get on with my evening. I've got kids so it's harder but you could just leave again. Go back out and catch a movie, go out to dinner, etc. Quit trying to change her but do try to change your response to it. All it's doing is making you mad and accomplishes nothing. Another thing you could do is occasionally NOT come straight home from work. When asked what you were doing lie and say "oh you know I stopped to talk to BOB..." tit for tat kinda thing. Trust me she can dish it out but she can't take it. My husband couldn't.

I have an evil streak so take my advice with a grain of salt. LOL!!

The trick to this method is to do it with smiles and kindness. "oh hi honey (as you are pulling out) I see you are busy so I'm going out for a bit. See you when I get home." Then do NOT bring it up again in an argument.


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

Hey thanks for repsonding. My wife is not working; just taking care of herself right now. She is 22 weeks pregnant with twins. We had a still born baby boy last year so its been real rough.

So I can see if someone in her position thinks Im acting controlling etc. but its not about that; if you have plans with someone and are caught up 40+ minutes in a conversation with no heads up, c'mon folks the person should call the waiting party to give a heads up, not only in work or friendship but especially in marriage....i dont know Im probably overreacting.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

elo123 said:


> Hey thanks for repsonding. My wife is not working; just taking care of herself right now. She is 22 weeks pregnant with twins. We had a still born baby boy last year so its been real rough.
> 
> So I can see if someone in her position thinks Im acting controlling etc. but its not about that; if you have plans with someone and are caught up 40+ minutes in a conversation with no heads up, c'mon folks the person should call the waiting party to give a heads up, not only in work or friendship but especially in marriage....i dont know Im probably overreacting.


I don't think you are overreacting. My husband and I get into HUGE arguements over his disregard for my time. It is a hot button issue with me.

I had twins 7 months ago, and it's not easy. Being home alone all day waiting for your husband to come home isn't easy either. Sometimes you want someone else to talk too - face to face. 

If I were you I'd tell her, "Look, I understand you are stuck in this house all day but could you give me a little notice if you are going to talk to someone for longer than 5 minutes? I miss you and I worry about you."

She should oblige. I don't see why she wouldn't. All she would have to do is text you from her cell or something letting you know she's still talking to her friend and will be home soon.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

elo123 said:


> I dont know Im probably overreacting.


I think you both are but seeing as she's PREGNANT with TWINS she gets an out. You on the other hand could have handled it better and you know it.


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

yeah magnoliagal and themrs. overreacting is tiring. Im tired. we'll be OK. 

Thanks guys. This really helps.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

I have overreacted to my wife doing this a couple of times. I say overreacted because I allowed my temper to determine what I was trying to say to her.

It seems to me that your objective was a wholesome one: you wanted to spend time with your wife. Your wife may not have been aware that you really wanted to spend time with her. She was caught-up in conversation so you couldn't say "hey honey, I would really like to spend some time with you now." That would be rather strange, so you hoped she would "come around" on her own. 

Your wife may not have been aware of your intentions, or that your desire to spend quality time with her was so strong. So, she lost track of time.

You begin to boil. You can't believe that she could do this, etc. etc. She returns, and off you go! Now there's an argument and tension.

What you wanted was more time with your wife, because you love her and want to spend more time with her. What happened was the issue turned into one that is seen as an effort to control.

If I could do it all over again, I would have told her how much I loved her. That I was getting upset that she wasn't able to spend some time with me...and what should I do next time when I feel this way and I see that she doesn't understand how I feel?

I have a problem with expectations. My expectations are either too high, or too low. I expect other people to magically understand my expectations without verbally sharing these with them...then I get mad when they "don't get it."

I usually know when I'm in trouble because I start saying/thinking things like "you should know," or "didn't you realize?!" 

When I have argued about similar situations with my wife, I soon became aware that the argument became worse than the original "infraction." Is it worth it? No. I have to try to communicate ahead of time what my expectations are...especially when those expectations have an emotional weight to them.


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

luckyman said:


> I have overreacted to my wife doing this a couple of times. I say overreacted because I allowed my temper to determine what I was trying to say to her.
> 
> It seems to me that your objective was a wholesome one: you wanted to spend time with your wife. Your wife may not have been aware that you really wanted to spend time with her. She was caught-up in conversation so you couldn't say "hey honey, I would really like to spend some time with you now." That would be rather strange, so you hoped she would "come around" on her own.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Elo,
Keep it simple. There is the really small thing "what happened last night - which is now in the past and cannot be changed" and the really BIG thing which is a mutual agreement on rules of engagement. 

The way this seemed to her: She started a conversation and likely kept thinking - we will finish in 5-10 minutes and because they were both having a good time it turned into a very long one. 

There are two pieces to this on your side:
1. You wanted to spend time with her and didn't get to
2. She did not show you the basic respect of a heads up - that she was going to do something different and you should proceed without her

If (1) is a big issue for you, this is going to be a huge marital problem over time. It will seem needy/controlling to her. 

On the other hand (2) is a whole different story. Ask her if she would be ok with you not calling when you have to work late? That is just a basic courtesy thing. If you cannot get her to grasp that (2) is a big deal you have a basic lack of respect issue in your marriage. 

That said you cannot force 2. What you can do is when she looks like she is getting derailed and is not telling you/asking you about a change to plans, proceed as if she has "cancelled". If she gets torqued about that and she may - just look surprised and tell her you didn't know her plans, so you made your own.



elo123 said:


> luckyman said:
> 
> 
> > I have overreacted to my wife doing this a couple of times. I say overreacted because I allowed my temper to determine what I was trying to say to her.
> ...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. You can't change her, so change your reaction. Just let it go next time and get on with your evening yourself...as much as you wanted to spend time with her...which is a good thing of course.

Look at it using economic theory. Your wife spends the odd 40 minutes chatting....like most normal women. You got upset. Now you ruined two entire days of what would have been happy blissful bonding moments when she eventually did come home. So...for not over reacting your happiness would have just costed you an extra 20 to 30 minutes of finding something to do on your own for this time. A much better dividend payback...of course...then two days of resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AO,
Applying the exact same economic theory goes like this.

Your W keeps you waiting and you never comment on it or do anything that disrupts her plans. She concludes that YOU think your time is less/much less valuable than hers. She keeps doing more and more of this and you keep "repricing" your time at a lower and lower value than hers. 

BTW - this concept of the value of time, begins to extend to the value of you as a person. I have posted some stuff about this in other threads. 



alphaomega said:


> Yeah. You can't change her, so change your reaction. Just let it go next time and get on with your evening yourself...as much as you wanted to spend time with her...which is a good thing of course.
> 
> Look at it using economic theory. Your wife spends the odd 40 minutes chatting....like most normal women. You got upset. Now you ruined two entire days of what would have been happy blissful bonding moments when she eventually did come home. So...for not over reacting your happiness would have just costed you an extra 20 to 30 minutes of finding something to do on your own for this time. A much better dividend payback...of course...then two days of resentment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> AO,
> Applying the exact same economic theory goes like this.
> 
> Your W keeps you waiting and you never comment on it or do anything that disrupts her plans. She concludes that YOU think your time is less/much less valuable than hers. She keeps doing more and more of this and you keep "repricing" your time at a lower and lower value than hers.
> ...


I agree. This is where good communication and balance is key. I used to be anal and controlling over my husband's time but on the flip side he kept me waiting more than he should have. Also other people came before me. 

Now that we've negotiated this I will overlook the occasional long chat with the neighbors when we have plans. If it becomes a habit then we have to have a little chat because I no longer want to feel like I have less value.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> AO,
> Applying the exact same economic theory goes like this.
> 
> Your W keeps you waiting and you never comment on it or do anything that disrupts her plans. She concludes that YOU think your time is less/much less valuable than hers. She keeps doing more and more of this and you keep "repricing" your time at a lower and lower value than hers.
> ...


I agree with your overall comment, but in this instance he didn't pre-specify that he was looking forward to spend time with her. If, on his way back to the house he indicated to hurry home because dinner was waiting she would have been conscious of the expectation. Since there was no expectation to be home in 20 minutes she gets a pass. If she didn't respect his time AFTER he said this THEN its disrespectful. She can't read his mind, and to get angry about it after the fact is bordering on immature behavior. I can't discipline my kids for being late for dinner if I never told them to NEVER be late for dinner beforehand. Then its my fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Simple way to find out - he should pick one night a week to do something with friends. If she is ok with that - I agree he should be more relaxed about this stuff. Frankly - if I were her I would not respond well to a husband who has already eaten dinner and is so needy that he cannot amuse himself while I talk to a neighbor. THAT would not work for me. Clingy/needy behavior kills love, kills passion. But it has to work both ways. 

I actually think it is a bad idea not to have friends to socialize with independently from your spouse. 




alphaomega said:


> I agree with your overall comment, but in this instance he didn't pre-specify that he was looking forward to spend time with her. If, on his way back to the house he indicated to hurry home because dinner was waiting she would have been conscious of the expectation. Since there was no expectation to be home in 20 minutes she gets a pass. If she didn't respect his time AFTER he said this THEN its disrespectful. She can't read his mind, and to get angry about it after the fact is bordering on immature behavior. I can't discipline my kids for being late for dinner if I never told them to NEVER be late for dinner beforehand. Then its my fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I am glad that it is Elo wants to spend more time together. I think the issue will be easier to be solved. 

Very often we see posts about wives say that their husbands want to go out and socialize and leave the wives at home alone. 

I think when the working husband or wife is at home, both husband and wife have to make time for each other, it will strengthen their relationship. If one ignores this rule, it will cause friction for both of them, then start an argument over this and make the situation worse. 

When the husband or wife is working, the one who has time can plan her or his association. If the person they want to associate with only has time which conflicts with their spouses' free time, then they have to realize who is more important for them. No acquaintances are more important than your loving spouse.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

elo123 said:


> Hello i am new to this site and am glad I found it.
> 
> I love my wife lots but have to vent. This happened at least 2x before; it does not happen often but boy does it push my buttons!
> 
> ...


Dude, you remind of that Simon guy off Housewives of Orange County. Controlling.
She's your wife, let her have her space. 
You do have the rest of your life with her.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

She is pg with twins and you had a still born last year?

My first thought is, don't stress her out!


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

Hey everyone, thanks for your input, especially the more constructive ones. 

To the responses that say my wife gets an 'out': yeah perhaps. 

To the responses that hint that I am needy: I dont think so. We have activities outside our being a couple and doing things together. I have a running club, gym, hobbies etc., She has spent 'ladies night' out with our neighbors and is getting to know people in our new neighborhood which is great!

Its just that 40+ minutes of waiting. I did get myself dinner and was watching TV. Yes I was stewing, but maybe with good cause because she IS so pregnant and we are both excited but worried at the same time and I was looking forward to spending time after being away all day.

There are many nuances which makes it complicated. But thanks again.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

elo123 said:


> Its just that 40+ minutes of waiting.


When you are waiting, time goes very very slowly!

My husband reads when he is waiting! 

I keep on looking at my watch when I am waiting, so I usually become :sleeping: +

I am learning!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You're stewing about 40 minutes of lost time? You are going to have a rude awakening when the twins come in to the picture and she isn't available at your beck and call.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Brennan said:


> You're stewing about 40 minutes of lost time? You are going to have a rude awakening when the twins come in to the picture and she isn't available at your beck and call.


As a mother of multiples, I can attest to this! 

You'll be wanting to get that 40 minutes of quiet time back once those twins arrive!


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

My wife is very pregnant. If she is up and down health-wise away and didnt show up for quite some time, and we are used to doing many things together in the first place, wouldnt that make you a little worried? You dont even have to take into account 'lost time' together. 

I know we have a lot of challenges being parents of twins, but I dont think you can use the 'just wait till they are born' argument right now.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel the way you do. It's not particularly controlling to want at least a heads-up when the original plan was dinner. The main thing is that it has to be ok for you to express these feelings without judgement of her ("I feel like my time is being wasted" rather than "you chatted all day when you should be home with your husband"). You should also not be afraid to discuss conflicts like this with her, which is where a lot of nice guys fall down. They think they will be abandoned if they bring up any hurts, so they don't. As long as you avoid the two unhealthy extremes (my way or the highway, and total conflict avoidance) you should be ok. It should ALWAYS be ok to express how you actually feel. That doesn't mean you always get your way, or your feelings assuaged. It just means you get to express them.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

elo123 said:


> My wife is very pregnant. If she is up and down health-wise away and didnt show up for quite some time, and we are used to doing many things together in the first place, wouldnt that make you a little worried? You dont even have to take into account 'lost time' together.
> 
> I know we have a lot of challenges being parents of twins, but I dont think you can use the 'just wait till they are born' argument right now.



The concern for her safety wasn't the tone of your original post. You didn't even mention that she was pregnant with twins. You were more concerned about her disrespecting you by prioritizing a conversation with a friend over dinner with you. 

If you were worried, maybe you should have said that instead of joking that you "lost your wife." You could have just walked up to her and said, "Honey, I thought something terrible had happened to you in the babies! Are you okay? Don't worry me like that!" 

Like I said before, I understand your frustration with her taking advantage of your time. I've had to deal with it a lot.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> As a mother of multiples, I can attest to this!
> 
> You'll be wanting to get that 40 minutes of quiet time back once those twins arrive!


Are you kidding just ONE baby is enough to dream of those days when you had an hour of quiet. Good point.


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

thanks themrs. yeah thats where its complicated. respect for time in a marriage, twins on the way, grieving for a stillborn child 1 year ago...wife's health...all that stuff...all of that thrown in together and it becomes difficult to capture it up in one post.


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