# Divorce Criticism, No Questions Asked



## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

After months (years) of contemplation, I pulled the trigger and said let's divorce. I never aired my dirty laundry to my extended family and acquaintances. A few close friends knew of my last ditch efforts to save the marriage.

I've been surprised at the reaction of my family. I'm making a big mistake, the kids will suffer irreparable harm, I'm obviously not thinking clearly. Where has the responsible, sane me gone? Granted, I have all the appearances of a happy home. I get that it's a shock. But even after saying sorry I never said anything, trying to keep my relationship private, I'm still being told I'm absolutely wrong. My husband is a saint, I am a sinner (I made that up, but that's what it feels like.)

Is this normal? Was this a group decision? Should I tell some of the finer details to get them a good taste? What do I owe these people, my mom, my sister, etc.? They're not asking questions for the most part, just berating me and saying I'm selfish.

I've been married 26 years and stayed home with my 3 kids. I've felt so free since finally making the decision to end it. The reason(s) is complicated and hard for even me and my husband to understand. Do I have to explain? I mean, I know I don't but I really don't know what to say to these people who are angry with me. It's rather insulting that they don't respect that I wouldn't have made this decision lightly or without good reason(s).

One thing I admit I did (you could say) wrong is I'm dating a guy already. This started about a month after we separated but the family found out about the divorce/the guy at the same time. So I can see they're confused that he's not the Other Man, even when I tell them. It was quick, but there was no overlap. My decision had been made. We're not divorcing til 2018 for tax purposes. 

My husband has been great and we're working through all this, yet our mothers have their feelings hurt. I get that this decision affects other people, but it mostly affects us day to day. What the heck?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just tell them we both weren't happy and and you are not living a life with regrets. You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your life.

If anyone pressed me when I was divorcing, I told them we haven't sex in almost 5 years and I was never going to bang her again. I didn't love her. I was doing her a favor by letting her be free. I'm pretty sure she's going on year 7 of not having sex still. I got laid the 1st night I separated from her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My first question is did you know the guy before you decided to separate? Maybe it looks to them that you decided to dump your husband for this shiny new guy? Pretty much cheating. If that is the case it probably rubs them the wrong way. How about work do you have plans to support yourself? It's your and your husband's life but I could see how if you plan on allowing your ex to support you in perpetuity via alimony while you date other men it might put you in a poor light. Also if you don't really have a plan to financially support yourself maybe they are just worried for you. Don't know if that is the case but it may be. They also may just think that you are making a mistake. Maybe they think you are having a midlife crisis or maybe that is what it looks like to them. If you read on here your realize it's tough out there, some times the grass isn't always greener. Maybe they are of that opinion. They may be wrong or they may be right, time will tell. You also say yourself you haven't given them all the facts. You have to decide how much of their unhappiness you can live with and what you are willing to let out to make it easier for you? Why are you not telling them the facts, sounds like you husband was a real ass, why don't they know that? Who are you protecting? Is it worth it? So any number of scenarios may be what you are projecting. You may just come off a selfish to them. 

Bottom line it's your life. It's their opinions they have a right to them. That's life. Sounds like the Mothers loved their in-laws, so they are probably grieving. Give them time they will get used to it. If it was me I would just not really worry about it. If they give you a hard time just tell them, you are aware of their opinion but it's your life. Honestly you will have a better life if you come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to agree with your actions (even Moms).


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Just tell them we both weren't happy and and you are not living a life with regrets. You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your life.


Totally agree, you don't owe them anything. Don't let their narrow view of you marriage sway your decision if that is what you want to do. People who have never been through the process of divorce really have no idea what it takes to actually do it and make it to the other side. 




GuyInColorado said:


> If anyone pressed me when I was divorcing, I told them we haven't sex in almost 5 years and I was never going to bang her again. I didn't love her. I was doing her a favor by letting her be free. I'm pretty sure she's going on year 7 of not having sex still. I got laid the 1st night I separated from her.


Side note: Just once could I read a post where you don't mention sex?


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> My first question is did you know the guy before you decided to separate?
> 
> How about work do you have plans to support yourself?
> 
> ...


I met my guy after so he in no way influenced my decision. I'm sad it puts him in a bad light cuz he doesn't deserve that but that's my fault for not holding off. I don't wanna break up now though, so...

I haven't worked in 20 years so I think it's fair to split our stuff. I think they worry about the kids more than money.

Yes, could look like a midlife crisis. Which I've been having for 15 years with my questionable marriage. 

My husband can be a real ass but also a really upstanding nice guy. Most people know the latter. My kids know enough already - don't want them to learn more. I also learned alot in my brother's divorce, many mental images - and I just don't want to go there. But it's food for thought. Yet I started to elude to infidelity and my brother of all people said I sounded like I was deflecting. These people just don't want to give me a break!


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

C3156 said:


> Totally agree, you don't owe them anything. Don't let their narrow view of you marriage sway your decision if that is what you want to do. People who have never been through the process of divorce really have no idea what it takes to actually do it and make it to the other side.
> 
> 
> Side note: Just once could I read a post where you don't mention sex?


Side side note: That side note really cracked me up. I read that @GuyInColorado and said, yes he really likes sex.  I do too. Being married to someone who is not into this activity/you is a pretty awful place.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> After months (years) of contemplation, I pulled the trigger and said let's divorce. I never aired my dirty laundry to my extended family and acquaintances. A few close friends knew of my last ditch efforts to save the marriage.
> 
> I've been surprised at the reaction of my family. I'm making a big mistake, the kids will suffer irreparable harm, I'm obviously not thinking clearly. Where has the responsible, sane me gone? Granted, I have all the appearances of a happy home. I get that it's a shock. But even after saying sorry I never said anything, trying to keep my relationship private, I'm still being told I'm absolutely wrong. My husband is a saint, I am a sinner (I made that up, but that's what it feels like.)
> 
> ...




The problem with the majority of other people is that (1) they detest any type of change that upsets the normalness in their lives and (2) they cannot seem to see past their meager existence. Often, this causes family to "offer" their opinions before learning all the facts about your situation. Focus on the wellbeing of you and your kids for now. The drama will stop when everyone adjusts to the "new normal." 

PS: I would avoid introducing the family to the new guy for a while. Life will just be easier that way. It shouldn't have to be like that, but it just is...

Good luck


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> I met my guy after so he in no way influenced my decision. I'm sad it puts him in a bad light cuz he doesn't deserve that but that's my fault for not holding off. I don't wanna break up now though, so...
> 
> I haven't worked in 20 years so I think it's fair to split our stuff. I think they worry about the kids more than money.
> 
> ...


Like I said you have to get over caring what people who are not your significant other think. It's your life, you didn't make vows to them. Do you plan on working by the way? Being that dependent on someone who is not your spouse carries a significant risk.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I ended a very long marriage. I quickly learned that many people almost take it personally when they see a very long marriage end. Everyone -- friends and family -- were very vocal about their opposition to my divorce. I hadn't intended to tell them that he cheated but I eventually did and even that didn't make a difference -- they were still opposed. I finally said -- and kept repeating -- "It's my life". Some got the message and some didn't. But I moved on.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I ended a very long marriage. I quickly learned that many people almost take it personally when they see a very long marriage end. Everyone -- friends and family -- were very vocal about their opposition to my divorce. I hadn't intended to tell them that he cheated but I eventually did and even that didn't make a difference -- they were still opposed. I finally said -- and kept repeating -- "It's my life". Some got the message and some didn't. But I moved on.


I see you're from the Southeast. I wonder if it's a thang here with all the conservatives. I was raised on that stuff. It's interesting to me. I'm quite sure I've never argued with anyone getting a divorce. I wasn't married 26 years without *trying* but I have gotten to, what is the f'n point of this? I see it as liberation.

As for me working, I'm doing some part time stuff. If people knew my bf's financial situation, they surely would think even more that I've lost my mind. But I'm sick of all that rat race stuff, my workaholic husband. I'll have enough to survive and I'll probably work. I don't know how I ever ended up being a 1950's housewife but I'm more than happy to struggle if it means having the kind of love I need, living the way I want, hanging with someone who actually likes me. From the outside it apparently looks like I have the perfect life. Yet, you might think I would know for sure.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This separation was not a sudden thing.

This breakup started years ago.

The chemistry between you and your STBXH was OK at the beginning, then started to sour.

At some time, someone standing next to you.....
Very close to you flung an object.
Your nose and his nose got out of joint from the arm action...
From the resultant, ongoing body language.

Well, that object needed to run it's course, make all the rounds.
Punch the proper tickets, please Mr. and Mrs. Fate, who live in your closet.

That object was a boomerang. It has returned to sender.

Some people live one life.

As it stands, you stand to live two.

As I see it. that cuts the strife and the boredom in half.

Have a good life, but do not settle.

Settle for less.

Do not buy the car, rent it. Ride it in the rain, go fast around corners.

When it starts to lose it's shine, don't polish dead paint.

Trade it in for a new one. Get one more than you can afford.

One that you cannot afford to lose.

Those are the keepers, those last a lifetime.

And their shine will outlast you.
What a deal.

Just Sayin'


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As a mum of married children, I can totally understand your parents shock and upset at what they see as a sudden divorce, and for what they may see as with out any serious reason. I too would be terribly upset for my child and grandchildren who would be deeply hurt by their parents marriage ending. Its also not surprising that you dating only 4 weeks after separation makes them suspect something was going on before. Even if it wasn't, it was far too soon to be thinking of a new relationship when you had not even begun the divorce. I am sure you have heard of rebound relationships?

Divorce doesn't just effect the couple, the ripple effect deeply upsets and hurts so many more. The children obviously, but also siblings and parents. My brother had 2 divorces, both wives cheated, and the rest of us were so upset for him and the children. We all lost family, even I lost 2 Sil's who I loved a lot. I remember my mum being so upset by it all. Upset for her son and her grandchildren. Its normal and natural. 

Remember also that older people were more likely to work on the marriage and stick it out if things got tough. They went by the 'for better and for worse' far more than couples do today.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I ended a very long marriage. I quickly learned that many people almost take it personally when they see a very long marriage end. Everyone -- friends and family -- were very vocal about their opposition to my divorce. I hadn't intended to tell them that he cheated but I eventually did and even that didn't make a difference -- they were still opposed. I finally said -- and kept repeating -- "It's my life". Some got the message and some didn't. But I moved on.


I found you have to build an entire new support group.

It's like starting at the "one yard line" with the end zone 99 yards away.

I let my ex keep all the friends, etc. - whatever she needed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

KrisAmiss said:


> I see you're from the Southeast. I wonder if it's a thang here with all the conservatives. I was raised on that stuff. It's interesting to me. I'm quite sure I've never argued with anyone getting a divorce. I wasn't married 26 years without *trying* but I have gotten to, what is the f'n point of this? I see it as liberation.
> 
> As for me working, I'm doing some part time stuff. If people knew my bf's financial situation, they surely would think even more that I've lost my mind. But I'm sick of all that rat race stuff, my workaholic husband. I'll have enough to survive and I'll probably work. I don't know how I ever ended up being a 1950's housewife but I'm more than happy to struggle if it means having the kind of love I need, living the way I want, hanging with someone who actually likes me. From the outside it apparently looks like I have the perfect life. Yet, you might think I would know for sure.


Yes, this is definitely a conservative place. 

My family all thought after a marriage as long as mine that I should just wait until the natural end. I had different ideas about what to do with the remainder of my life. 

I, too, had the perfect life from the outside with a workaholic husband who was never home and never had time for his family -- but he did manage to find time to cheat. I have a much different life now but a much better one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> I see you're from the Southeast. I wonder if it's a thang here with all the conservatives. I was raised on that stuff. It's interesting to me. I'm quite sure I've never argued with anyone getting a divorce. I wasn't married 26 years without *trying* but I have gotten to, what is the f'n point of this? I see it as liberation.
> 
> As for me working, I'm doing some part time stuff. If people knew my bf's financial situation, they surely would think even more that I've lost my mind. But I'm sick of all that rat race stuff, my workaholic husband. I'll have enough to survive and I'll probably work. I don't know how I ever ended up being a 1950's housewife but I'm more than happy to struggle if it means having the kind of love I need, living the way I want, hanging with someone who actually likes me. From the outside it apparently looks like I have the perfect life. Yet, you might think I would know for sure.


Well I think you have every right to divorce but I think you should slow down, you just met this guy 4 weeks ago. This is the first guy you dated, it's way to soon to be planing a future with him. Now maybe you got lucky and happened to meet the love of your life, but with being out of the game 26 years I would be a little weary. I also think you should be seriously planing what your future will look like. You are going to need a plan and your going to need to stick to it. You have no idea what your money situation will be and you haven't supported yourself for years. That will be a whole new dynamic for you.

I am not saying this to discourage you but to just get you to be a little mindful of your future. For instance if this guy doesn't work out you may not meet another guy for a year, then you will be struggling without love and money. I guarantee you you will wish you had money then. Besides that romance without finance is a nuisance. What if your ex-husband dies? Maybe everyone is worried about you because you don't seem to have a solid plan or the experience of being on your own. 

Again I am not saying not to divorce, what I am saying is I don't think it's going to be as easy as you think so better to plan for it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> .
> 
> Remember also that older people were more likely to work on the marriage and stick it out if things got tough. They went by the 'for better and for worse' far more than couples do today.


Yes they did. 

They also suffered more and suffered longer....sometimes for the rest of their lives and when death parted them, they died miserable. 

In our grandparents era divorce was often socially unacceptable to the point that people were literal outcasts and were denied employment opportunities, housing, membership to various clubs and community organizations and were kicked out of their own churches etc. 

Laws of the time and economic realities often meant that both parties lived in poverty following divorce and fathers were often denied access to their children and mothers were assigned custody of the children whether they actually wanted it or not. 

There are more divorces today because people can. People have more options today and do not have to accept their current fate as their predecessors did. 

The fact that previous generations did not divorce as often is not due to valor or a higher moral or ethical calling. It is because they did not have same options or economic and legal advantages that people do today. 

Many of our parents and grandparents would have and probably should have divorced if they were able to. 

Comparing divorce rates of yesteryear to today's world is not apples to apples because the cultures, legal and economic conditions of those times are not applicable to today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I totally agree. 

Very long marriages aren't necessarily happy marriages. Sometimes they're just very long. Especially true in the past where there were very few options. I got married in the late 1960's and there were no divorces in my extended family. Marriage was until death -- no matter what. Were they happy? No. But they were married. I don't support that thinking although it influenced my staying in a bad marriage for decades. There are far worse things than divorce.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Well I think you have every right to divorce but I think you should slow down, you just met this guy 4 weeks ago. This is the first guy you dated, it's way to soon to be planing a future with him. Now maybe you got lucky and happened to meet the love of your life, but with being out of the game 26 years I would be a little weary. I also think you should be seriously planing what your future will look like. You are going to need a plan and your going to need to stick to it. You have no idea what your money situation will be and you haven't supported yourself for years. That will be a whole new dynamic for you.
> 
> I am not saying this to discourage you but to just get you to be a little mindful of your future. For instance if this guy doesn't work out you may not meet another guy for a year, then you will be struggling without love and money. I guarantee you you will wish you had money then. Besides that romance without finance is a nuisance. What if your ex-husband dies? Maybe everyone is worried about you because you don't seem to have a solid plan or the experience of being on your own.
> 
> Again I am not saying not to divorce, what I am saying is I don't think it's going to be as easy as you think so better to plan for it.


It's not easy. I can testify.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I totally agree.
> 
> Very long marriages aren't necessarily happy marriages. Sometimes they're just very long. Especially true in the past where there were very few options. I got married in the late 1960's and there were no divorces in my extended family. Marriage was until death -- no matter what. Were they happy? No. But they were married. I don't support that thinking although it influenced my staying in a bad marriage for decades. There are far worse things than divorce.


Very well stated. 

All one has to do to remain married is to not divorce. That does not mean that the marriage is healthy, functional or happy. 

I don't think a lot the attitudes, mindsets, laws and philosophies towards divorce in previous generations should be passed on to today. 

My kids are in their teens and I try to impress upon them that if someone is being mean to them, intentionally hurting them, cheating on them, exploiting or manipulating them to cut losses and walk away. 

There is no way in God's Green Earth that I am going to have my daughter beaten and abused or my son exploited and manipulated and have them endure that for years because I told them, "....now remember, till death do you part."

Funck that. Depart the moment someone starts mistreating you! If you stay and keep taking it and taking it - that is on you. That is not on me or how I raised you. 

There really is no excuse for enduring beatings, child abuse, chronic hostility, infidelity, alcoholism/drug addiction etc in today's world. There are so many more options and there are so many programs and assistance and access to legal services today. 

If someone is enduring abuse, infidelity, addiction, abuse to their children etc - it is on them. It is not societal pressure or religious condemnation or intolerance or lack of legal services or economic despair that keeps them trapped in a toxic marriage. It is a choice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And a lot of this song and dance about "the children" is load of crap too. 

Children are harmed and damaged by abuse, addiction, neglect, abandonment and living in a toxic environment of chronic hostility. 

they are not harmed by two loving, supportive and involved parents that happen to live in two separate houses. 

Saddened? sure. Inconvenienced? Undoubtedly. Is it ideal? Of course not. 

But damaged???? Not unless they are being subjected to abuse, neglect, abandonment, hostility etc etc

If the marital home is the toxic environment with the abuse, addiction, whatever, then it is in the child's best interest to get them out of that environment and into a safe environment with a sane and supportive parent and NOT remain in the environment with the abuser. 

Are there studies that indicate that children from divorced parents have more problems?? I am sure there are because in most divorces there is an element of abuse or addiction or adultery and there is probably some chronic hostility in the environment before the final separation actually occurs. In real world practice, there are going to be some issues in that household in many instances. 

But that is not a permanent death sentence to a healthy, well adjusted child. If a child has at least one sane, sober, loving, supportive parent, they can eventually have a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. 

If both parents happen to be sane, sober, supportive and involved, then it's a matter of the inconvenience and pain in the neck of going between two houses. 

Would it be nice if everyone could work out there differences and play nice and be decent people and good parents and stay together in a happy and healthy household? Absolutely. But that is not always the reality. 

And I also think it is totally unfair and an inappropriate burden to place on the child for someone to remain in abusive or exploitive and toxic environment "for the children," That is just placing blame and responsibility for someone else's pain and despair on the kids.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And in the case of this thread and this OP, the "children" are likely in their early 20s or at least upper teens.

What harm and damage is a 22 year old going to have if the parents amicably split up?????????????????????????

If it's a 2 year old, that is one thing. 

With very young children you always have to worry if Mom's boyfriend is going to be abusive or a molester or something. 

But I think a 19 year or a 23 year old is going to be able to get through life pretty good even if the parents split. 

Yeah, I get that deciding who to have Thanksgiving dinner with at high noon on Thanksgiving day could be awkward the first time or two. But I don't think that should be enough to make a college student need to go running to their safe room for that.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yes, this is definitely a conservative place.
> 
> My family all thought after a marriage as long as mine that I should just wait until the natural end. I had different ideas about what to do with the remainder of my life.
> 
> I, too, had the perfect life from the outside with a workaholic husband who was never home and never had time for his family -- but he did manage to find time to cheat. I have a much different life now but a much better one.


OK, you win the prize. I think you have the most similar situation to mine and it's good to know the reactions have been similar too. You're a success story, life after divorce. 

I'm sure I'm spoiled. Half our assets is plenty for me to live on. And since he travels all the time, it won't be all that different for the kids who are getting close to graduation anyway.

I know divorce is a negative thing. But things work out. I hope I'm not as daft as people apparently think I am. ;0


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I'm a success story and that's why I stayed on TAM. I wanted to let women coming out of very long marriages, as I did, know that it's possible to find peace and happiness after divorce. Too many stay in unhappy situations because they are afraid to get out. I'm here to say trust yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I totally agree.
> 
> Very long marriages aren't necessarily happy marriages. Sometimes they're just very long. Especially true in the past where there were very few options. I got married in the late 1960's and there were no divorces in my extended family. Marriage was until death -- no matter what. Were they happy? No. But they were married. I don't support that thinking although it influenced my staying in a bad marriage for decades. There are far worse things than divorce.


I know quite a few long and happy marriages, and I also know couples who stuck together through hard times and are thankful they did. So many today end a marriage over relatively minor things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> And in the case of this thread and this OP, the "children" are likely in their early 20s or at least upper teens.
> 
> What harm and damage is a 22 year old going to have if the parents amicably split up?????????????????????????
> 
> ...


I actually of know older teenagers/young adults who were deeply hurt over their parents divorce. Its still upsetting no matter how old you are.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> OK, you win the prize. I think you have the most similar situation to mine and it's good to know the reactions have been similar too. You're a success story, life after divorce.
> 
> I'm sure I'm spoiled. Half our assets is plenty for me to live on. And since he travels all the time, it won't be all that different for the kids who are getting close to graduation anyway.
> 
> I know divorce is a negative thing. But things work out. I hope I'm not as daft as people apparently think I am. ;0


I am sorry if you think I am calling you daft. I am not. My Mother divorced my abusive step-father when she was in her mid 50's had to start a whole new career. I encouraged her to do it because he was abusive. So like her I think you are making the right decision, but also like I did with her I suggest you get really serious about her financial situation because it is serious. You never know when you will be 100% dependent on only yourself to support yourself. Also it gives you greater sense of agency in your own life when you know you are not dependent on anyone.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I actually of know older teenagers/young adults who were deeply hurt over their parents divorce. Its still upsetting no matter how old you are.


They will get over it. Yes they will grieve but in the end it's their parents lives together, they have their own lives to live.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I actually of know older teenagers/young adults who were deeply hurt over their parents divorce. Its still upsetting no matter how old you are.


Yes, I have no question that they are upset and sad and irritated that they will have holiday dinners to balance and bummed that their family life has been disrupted. 

But they are not damaged, harmed or placed in any kind of danger. They will continue to lead happy, healthy, productive and successful lives (assuming they were doing that before the divorce)

I am not saying adult children are not being saddened or upset. I am saying they are not harmed or inflicted with any lasting damage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I know quite a few long and happy marriages, and I also know couples who stuck together through hard times and are thankful they did. So many today end a marriage over relatively minor things.


Of course there are long and happy marriages -- just as there are long and unhappy marriages. In the past people had few options for getting out of their marriage and now they don't so naturally there are a lot more divorces. As to whether many are over relatively minor things, that's their decision to make. I would guess equally many stay in bad marriages because they're scared to get out. People do what people do.


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## penny james (Nov 23, 2017)

Hi my husband is all ways having ago at me and calling me names and verbal abusing me in front of aewr children should I leave him


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

penny james said:


> Hi my husband is all ways having ago at me and calling me names and verbal abusing me in front of aewr children should I leave him


Penny James, penny wise....

I see that you are new here. Thank you for trusting us.

Start your own thread. It is easy. 

Go to the top of the web page and click on Forums, then Family, Marriage and Relationships, then General Relationships, then post a thread.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On this...

What you missed 'most' from your' [now failed] marriage was companionship.

Someone to be with, talk with, have fun with.

Someone to lie close to in bed. To have and to hold.
On cold nights keeping each other warm, on 'kick the covers off' hot nights.

But most is not enough. It will just fine until it is not.
As a few other men and ladies stated, go slowly at this.

Make no commitment, no promises. Other than being honest with the new guy.
He deserves that. You deserve his honesty.

You deserve to be loved and to be made love to. That is the fun part.
But that part is only five percent of companionship [unless you are teenagers!].

The rest is slugging through life, washing each others' clothes and dishes.
Doing nice things for each other, even when one is tired and grumpy.

Doing long walks in the park holding hands and more if no one is watching.

Going on long trips with each other, meeting with new relatives, friends.
Going to work and trying to get both of you out of debt. Beware here.

Give this relationship time. And that, you have plenty of.
Do not marry...wait for the relationship to settle out.

Best Wishes.

The Typist-


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I am sorry if you think I am calling you daft. I am not. My Mother divorced my abusive step-father when she was in her mid 50's had to start a whole new career. I encouraged her to do it because he was abusive. So like her I think you are making the right decision, but also like I did with her I suggest you get really serious about her financial situation because it is serious. You never know when you will be 100% dependent on only yourself to support yourself. Also it gives you greater sense of agency in your own life when you know you are not dependent on anyone.


The daft thing is just a general feeling. I suppose it's all good food for thought. That's what I read early on in my *discovery* of my DH's secret activities -- that you shouldn't jump out of marriage quickly but instead take your time to process it all, cuz you're going to have to do that some time. I feel I did that. And I say I FEEL cuz I don't have any regrets over this. I've looked at it backwards and forwards and upside down. I know I'm rusty at taking care of myself; I'm a kept woman! As luxurious as that may seem to some, I'm over it. I'm anxious to take charge of things, make my own way. In some ways, he wanted to live larger than I did while talking of living simple. I'm happy to pare down. And yes, I expect that I am 100% dependent on myself. I'm not looking for a man to fill the gap at all. As long as he doesn't take me down financially, I'm ok.

As for relationships, my DH & I quit having our own about 10-15-20 years ago. We've been parenting partners, friends and enemies. He says he feels relief now. Relief that I'm happy. We just have different values, different needs and no matter how hard we tried to solve it or ignore it, the problems remained. Sometimes you need to know when to quit. I'm glad I finally made the decision. Our reconciliation attempt helped. It felt empty. I really tried. I realized I've been trying and trying... and it's not my fault, not for a lack of trying. My DH made a statement, I lost interest in you long ago. He retracted that cuz it is so mean and perhaps he didn't mean it completely -- but that's the gist of it. Stay married to that? No thank you. When *the world* finds you far more interesting than your spouse, it's time to move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> The daft thing is just a general feeling. I suppose it's all good food for thought. That's what I read early on in my *discovery* of my DH's secret activities -- that you shouldn't jump out of marriage quickly but instead take your time to process it all, cuz you're going to have to do that some time. I feel I did that. And I say I FEEL cuz I don't have any regrets over this. I've looked at it backwards and forwards and upside down. I know I'm rusty at taking care of myself; I'm a kept woman! As luxurious as that may seem to some, I'm over it. I'm anxious to take charge of things, make my own way. In some ways, he wanted to live larger than I did while talking of living simple. I'm happy to pare down. And yes, I expect that I am 100% dependent on myself. I'm not looking for a man to fill the gap at all. As long as he doesn't take me down financially, I'm ok.
> 
> As for relationships, my DH & I quit having our own about 10-15-20 years ago. We've been parenting partners, friends and enemies. He says he feels relief now. Relief that I'm happy. We just have different values, different needs and no matter how hard we tried to solve it or ignore it, the problems remained. Sometimes you need to know when to quit. I'm glad I finally made the decision. Our reconciliation attempt helped. It felt empty. I really tried. I realized I've been trying and trying... and it's not my fault, not for a lack of trying. My DH made a statement, I lost interest in you long ago. He retracted that cuz it is so mean and perhaps he didn't mean it completely -- but that's the gist of it. Stay married to that? No thank you. When *the world* finds you far more interesting than your spouse, it's time to move on.


This is what you should tell those who are upset and yourself when they make you feel bad.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had a "big" life for decades. My ex-husband enjoyed it but I found it very empty. My life today is as far removed from all of that as it's possible to get. And I'm much better suited for this life than I was for my old life. It's one hundred percent mine and what happens is what I choose to happen. I'm at peace. That's beyond price.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

All those years gone.
Never to be retrieved, ever to be replayed, over and over in your mind, not done.

All those hugs, all those kisses, all those romps and bed bouncing lost. 
To reconcile with more of this, more of that, all this, at what cost.

During those lost years, those hundreds of smiles, hundreds of orgasms never seen, never felt. 
With one life to live, one life to give up in death, is it a wonder our spirit doth melt?

Knowing that our choice is more cold stew.
Or taking another man, starting another life, beginning, hoping anew.

Let the new man, the gaiety, the singing and the romping commence.
Anything less, is that state, that rueful contrivance, that simply, does not make sense.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> After months (years) of contemplation, I pulled the trigger and said let's divorce. I never aired my dirty laundry to my extended family and acquaintances. A few close friends knew of my last ditch efforts to save the marriage.
> 
> I've been surprised at the reaction of my family. I'm making a big mistake, the kids will suffer irreparable harm, I'm obviously not thinking clearly. Where has the responsible, sane me gone? Granted, I have all the appearances of a happy home. I get that it's a shock. But even after saying sorry I never said anything, trying to keep my relationship private, I'm still being told I'm absolutely wrong. My husband is a saint, I am a sinner (I made that up, but that's what it feels like.)
> 
> ...


It is your decision.

It is not your family's decision.

Your family can support you or not.

If your family chooses to not support you, then you don't need them.


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