# Married a year, and not having sex. Contemplating divorce. Please help!



## Starfish80 (Sep 17, 2012)

Hi. I would like to some advice/opinions on my situation. I feel lost and in need of some guidance. 

I have been married for a year to my husband. Before we were married, we lived together for 4 years. We met at work in Asia, and quite quickly began seeing eachother. In the beginning, I guess there was a lot of excitment from the taboo of seeing eachother and working together. We had a pretty good sex life. After a year or so, we moved in together and gradually our sex life began to decline. There were always reasons tho, like the fact that we worked and lived together, moved within the same social circle etc but we were always at least intimate in the sense of cuddling and kissing. On the emotional side, we were very close, like best friends, and very much in love - even tho we were not having much sex. 

Then a year and a half ago, we left our job in Asia and decided to move back to Germany where he is from. We got married after half a year, so I have now been married for a year. Even before we moved here our sex life was deteriorating, but since moving to Germany we have been having sex on average of once a month or once every couple months. I am 32 and he is 35. Moving back to Germany was difficult. I found a job rather quickly but he wanted to explore other possiblites so has been bouncing around doing this and that, and not really sure of what he wanted. In the end, around 3months ago, he decided to take a job in my company so we are back to working together again. But this time its different. I guess the balance has changed. When we met in Asia he was my senior. Now we are equal. To be fair, when we met - I was def a girl that was very happy and smiley but I have changed. I am still happy and smiley but not really with my husband. I began to notice this change when the lack of sex became more and more of a problem for me. Working and living in his country, (while mine are back in Asia) and coming home to absolutely no sex was making me angry and bitter. I started to complain a lot, about different things, but I really felt that I really just wanted some loving. 

Whenever we have sex, those seldom times, it is always me initiating it. Usually I get a rejection with those typicla excuses like he has a headache. When I get naked, he doesnt look up. I feel that even when we have sex, he does not really desire me but does it because he knows Im begininng to get irritated with the lack of sex. He never gets physically excited for me, without some sort of work from my part. This makes me feel unattractive and insecure and resentful. 

I have tried to explain this to him on numerous occassions, but he keeps pointing out other issues like the fact that I complain a lot. But I feel the reason that things around me are going bad is because of the lack of sex itself. It seems he always has an excuse to not have sex with me. Also, when we do have sex, usually only one of us gets satisfied and its not me. But still, even without the sex we were still affectionate in the sense of cuddling and kissing, until I realised that it was all being initiated from my side. So I decided to stop and see what happens. And as I thought, he didnt intiate anything. It took hiim 3 months to mention that I was being less affectionate with him.

In the meantime, I began to do a pilates one on one course, and the instructor happend to be a young guy. I began to have feelings for him in a sexual way. I started having an affair - purely sexual. I feel terrible, but at the same time I thought even if my husband found out - would he even be angry? He is not losing anything, as he is not interested to have sex with me at home. But I know Im doing something bad. 

I am now wondering if I should stay with my husband or divorce. We dont have children and we are young. We can both start over again. Maybe he doesnt want to have sex with ME, maybe it would be different for him with someone else as well. I dont konw what to do. We have only been married a year. He was my soulmate, and now I feel that there is a lack of love between us. I look at him sometimes and I dont know if I love him anymore. I am scared to not do anything now, and regret when Im older for having stayed in a sexless marriage. But at the same time, I dont know if I am making an irrational decision because I did love him so much jsut a few years ago. Please help!!!


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## Starfish80 (Sep 17, 2012)

I know Ive posted a really long message.. but really would appreciate some feedback and advice!! Thank you!!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

What do you mean in the beginning it was excitement from it being taboo? What was taboo about it? 

You could always go to him and say, "I have noticed for some time now, you do not seem to be interested in me sexually, maybe we should separate or divorce!" Watch his reaction, if he is not really bothered by you mentioning a divorce, then you have your answer. He could be just checked out of the marriage for a number of reasons.

You said you had an affair, is it possible he has been having one too, maybe thats why he isn't interested?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Stop the affair, get your husband to a doctor to see if there are medical issues and both of you to marriage counseling since there appear to be other problems in your marriage.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

I wouldnt make the decision to leave you H while you are in an intimate relationship with someone else. Best thing to do is stop the other R. Then sit down with your H and try and figure out why this is happening. The use of a MC would help you both dig into the issues surrounding the lack of sexuality.

This is just another example that if your needs are not being met you will find them elsewhere. Yours were not...so you went somewhere else for them. I promise you do not want to live with the regret of bringing the marriage to an end because of the affair. If you end up walking away you want to know you did everything you could to make it better. The MC will be able to help you.

Ive recently read his needs/her needs. Maybe you should make that a starting point for both of you to see where you are and how to help.

Good luck


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## Starfish80 (Sep 17, 2012)

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages. AgentD I meant taboo in the sense that in office romance was a no no, but in the end, we told our boss and he was ok with it so we were fine. I also did tell him that if things didnt change I want a divorce. He told me that he loves and and doesnt want to divorce and would make effort. But his efforts are coming in terms of being affectionate but its not what Im looking for. It has been too long that I dont feel like a woman. I just long for him to greet me with a hard on or just look at me and touch me with desire.. not to be cute and cuddly. The balance of man and woman is not there, and I feel Im with my brother or a roommate or something. To Chris Taylor - actually for a long time H was taking hair pills to prevent hairloss. I thought this was the problem and have asked him to stop taking them on numermous occassions over these last few years but he wouldnt and didnt think they were the issue. Until I brought up the topic of divorce, he just threw them all out recently. So, there could be that issue for his low sex drive as well. I dont think he is having an affair tho. To Cyclist - you are absolutely right, I dont want to end my marraige bc of the divorce and regret it but Im stuck in a rut now. I am losing enthusiasm to make it work and feel as tho it should be him. Which may be unfair bc there are probably other reasons .. but all I can think about is sex!! Because im not getting it!! And Im incraesing thinking of the affair guy.. and fantasize about him constantly. Yesterday tho, I did text him to say I didnt want to see him anymore - but he wants to see me and talk and doesnt want to end it so easily.. and Im not strong enough i feel to really push it to end.


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## Starfish80 (Sep 17, 2012)

I also brought about the topic of marriage councellor - he was compeltely against this and doesnt believe in it.. until I brought up the topic of divorce... which makes me think he may not know how seriuos of an issue this is for me. Now he is willing but Im finding it difficult to make the first step myself!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're finding it difficult to make the first step, because you're in the fog of an affair. Your husband has no chance of competing against a young stud who you don't have to have the stresses of every day life with, just the fun parts.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If he doesn't want a divorce like he says, then he needs to at least prove to you he is willing to work on himself and whatever is causing the lack of sex or interest in it. He can could go to the doctor and get checked out for any medical issues etc would be a good place to start. If all is ok there, then perhaps something is going on with him he doesn't want to talk about. However, if thats the case, once again he will need to try and prove he doesn't want to see his marriage fall by the wayside by at least trying to talk to you about what may or may not be going on.

As far as the person you're having the affair with, if I were you I wouldn't go see him. You told him you didn't want to see him again and things had to stop, thats all you owe him, nothing more nothing less. If you go, it will possibly make it harder for you to walk away, which my guess is what he is hoping for.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

Sometimes the stress of everyday life can poison the chemistry. Try a relaxing getaway for a week together (leave the phones and gadgets at home) and just concentrate on being together without distractions. Get a room with a big tub, take baths together, take some massage oil and candles and just re-discover each others bodies and try to re-kindle the spark that was once there. If after a week of that, you're still having fantasy about the other guy or the physical connection with your husband is still a no-go, then the fire may be out for good. It happens. Nobody's fault really, it just does.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

my ex wife and i had an acceptable sex life for first 5 years of relationship, then got married and after 18 months we only had sex 3 times. it was rediculous and this is the major reason we are getting a divorce


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Tell him that if he does not want to make love with you at least once or twice a week then your needs are NOT being met, and you will not stay in a marriage where your needs are not important or not being met. The ball is in his court that way and he has specifics as to quantity. This may sound awkward or forced, but it gives him the REAL terms of what you need to stay in the marriage. Then it he can't or won't do this, you leave and look for someone more compatible. Don't bang your head against the wall for longer than 6 more months if he doesn't agree to do this and stick with it.


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