# Is this normal behaviour?



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So my cheating husband(who also filed for divorce) has been acting rather strangely these last week or so. Ever since my MIL was here 2 weeks ago, he has been staying at home more he even tells me where he is going when he has tennis etc(not that I believe a word that comes out of his mouth).

He even started sleeping in son's bedroom and took care of him at night, so I can sleep at this was his idea. 

One day he would seem to be in good mood, next day he would be in pissy mood. 

Last night he says to me: "Are you going to sleep with son"? I told him: I can and I have been doing that in the last 6 months anyways(he started sleeping in the basement Jan 8 on his own initiative). So he is all flustered that I reminded him of what I have been going through by myself in the last 6 months. Yesterday he also had to watch our son so I can get few medical appointments taken care of and I went for a body treatment at a spa.

Then today he tries to crack up a joke with me about a large piece of tiramisu I bought at the store(he knows I love this dessert). He had to watch our son again today because I had to go for another doctors appointment.

I also got an email from the OW husband. We are not in touch regularly but he says she has not been out lately a lot but she has been texting a lot. I have not noticed my husband on his blackberry a lot but that does not mean anything. His divorce is being finalized as we speak.

I am still reserved with my husband, acting neither cold/or warm. Just talk about things I have to talk to him about in polite business like manner.

The OW husband thinks that maybe the two of them learned something at the parenting class they took together about two weeks ago.

So what's up with this type of behaviour of a cheating spouse? Is this normal to expect in affair situation? I am not sure if his mom said something to him but I filled up her head with other details of the affair and how I have been coping on my own for the last 6 months. She saw that I was tired and my sleeping patterns are completely messed up.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I always say there's nothing more powerful to a WH than to have his mom chew him out. Maybe she opened his eyes.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I know she has been trying to reach out to him but I am not so sure she wants me to stay her DIL. For some reason she never liked me that much, even though I have had minimal contact with her and always polite. I mean I even encouraged husband to contact her more often. He was getting annoyed at her. But for some reason she thinks I was the reason he stopped calling her often. I also told her that if it were not for me her visits to CT would have been much shorter. I told her of one situation when she first came to visit and H wanted her to stay only 3 days. I basically convinced him to have her stay a week. 

Turnera, do you think he is starting to feel guilty about the affair but still pursues divorce for whatever other reasons? It is just so hard to understand his behaviour. I just hope people don't start thinking of me as being doormat like person for trying to save our marriage despite the overwhelming evidence of his affair and his consequent behaviour.

In the meantime, I am making plans of what to do when I go back to Canada, inquiring more about the school program I plan to take, looking out for meetup groups and other playgroups for my son, looking into getting back to doing sports I used to enjoy prior to meeting husband and maybe even taking a short vacation in September to relax a little bit on my own before I take on the world so to speak.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think a lot of people - especially ones like your husband who hate to admit fault - regret the path they take and feel they have no choice but to continue; after all, image is everything.

I also think a great many waywards have this 'vision' in their head about everything they gave up by being married, and how wonderful it's going to be, when they can just 'be free' from you. And then when reality bites, they see that the grass just wasn't really all that green.

If you could find a way to show him, let him know, that you will NOT hold it against him, what he did, as long as he provides a stable happy marriage for the rest of your life, that may help him get past that stumbling block.

That said, I would NEVER take him back, if I were you, if he didn't come to you in utter, total humility and shame for what he has done to YOU. Not what he did to himself, what he did to YOU.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

If he came clean when I confronted him instead of denying everything I would have considered working on our marriage. I think I still gave him enough opportunities to do so.

And that's what concerns me, that if I take him back now or in the future that he may do this again or do a better job in hiding it. On the other hand I feel confident that if just concentrate on what I want to do now with my life, eventually the personal life may work itself out to, maybe with someone else who will respect me more.

I would appreciate if I could hear someone elses opinion on this as well and how they dealt with it in their situation.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> If he came clean when I confronted him instead of denying everything I would have considered working on our marriage. I think I still gave him enough opportunities to do so.


Notready, I've commented on this before. This is a huge issue for you and something that I believe points to the very heart of why you find your marriage in the state it is in. You use the pseudonym 'Notreadytoquit' but then you continually write things like:

"...If he came clean when I confronted him instead of denying everything I would have considered working on our marriage..."

This is an unmistakable statement that you are READYtoquit. My question is, why do you keep posting here when you are not considering work on your marriage? 

I'd like to point out something: it is more common for a Disloyal Spouse to deny, deny, deny, than it is for them to 'come clean' when confronted. That could almost be considered the norm. So why do you consider your case to be something special - as if the hurdle you face (he won't come clean when I confront him) is unusual and therefor warrants skipping all the following steps that might work to save your marriage? 

The only conclusion I can come to is that you jumped to the divorce conclusion as soon as you found out about the affair. _That is perfectly acceptable, and also your right._ 

Perhaps I mistook what you meant by your choice of screen name! I took it to mean you were 'not ready to quit' on your marriage - when all along you meant you were 'not ready to quit' trying to find ways to get a confession out of him.

And this may be an indicator of a prior issue in your marriage: perhaps your husband simply got tired of having his wife continually chasing after him to make him say certain things, or do certain things. An affair is NOT the proper way to get away from turmoil at home, but it is also understandable: if he found someone who actually considered him to be a valuable and respected human being - he might be tempted to fall for that...

So...

You 'gave him enough opportunities to do so...' and now you worry that '...if you _take him back_ he might do 'X' again...' If you are not considering work on your marriage, and have written him off because he did not utter the syllables you demanded of him - what's the point of even worrying about such a thing?

There's a clear and available answer to the question you raise; but it only applies to someone who is willing to take the steps necessary to get to that point. So far, all I've seen is you wanting a 'Plan C' because you didn't want to do Plan A or B. You complain that he won't utter certain syllables, and hold that against him. 

None of this is going to save your marriage anyway. It's all a waste of time. Y our husband is giving you all KINDS of opportunities to get things on track - and you still seem to be stuck back at the place where he won't jump through a hoop you demand. Get rid of that hoop! There are other, more important _relevant_ things to do.

So, to reiterate: 

You won't consider work on your marriage because he didn't come clean when you confronted him. (I.e., you believe that his confession must come BEFORE you will do any work on the marriage.)

_In other words, no plan A until the marriage is back together._

What is concerning you is that if he does not admit to this affair, he will probably lie to you in the future. (I.E., regardless of the reason WHY he doesn't want to admit this, you require that he say the words you want him to say.)

_In other words, you do not regard him with enough respect to consider that he may have a reason not to tell you._

Isn't it entirely possible that the reason he won't talk, and your frustration at him not performing the action you demand at least PART of why the affair happened in the first place?

----------------
Now playing: Ralph Towner - Moor
via FoxyTunes


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I agree with Tan. If you are not ready to quit why keep putting up road blocks? Commit to the plan and work the issues out later. You must change YOUR attitude. Why can't you be nice to him? He seems to be making an effort. Don't obstruct him. Change is very slow in coming.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> If you could find a way to show him, let him know, that you will NOT hold it against him, what he did, as long as he provides a stable happy marriage for the rest of your life, that may help him get past that stumbling block.
> 
> That said, I would NEVER take him back, if I were you, if he didn't come to you in utter, total humility and shame for what he has done to YOU. Not what he did to himself, what he did to YOU.


I have a question for Tanerlornpete and Turnera regarding the above comment. Are you guys on the same page when you are giving me advice about this? Because I get this impression(correct me if I am wrong) that you two do not see eye to eye on some things.

Tanelornpete:



Tanelornpete said:


> The only conclusion I can come to is that you jumped to the divorce conclusion as soon as you found out about the affair. _That is perfectly acceptable, and also your right._


I was never ever for divorce from the start. If anything I suggested separation that he flatly refused.

What do you SPECIFICALLY suggest I do/say when it comes to Plan A and Plan B? Just take into consideration that kicking him out of the house is not an option for me not just because of finances but also due to visa issues that I have explained in my other posts. Also my lawyer did not like that idea either because he said some courts view that negatively on the finances/custody outcome at the end. And he has refused to give me a permission to move back to Canada with the child before the divorce is over.

In the meantime, I have read His Needs, Her Needs. I can pinpoint areas where I/we have not done well like spending enough time talking, doing recreational activities together and few other. I am also about to start reading Surviving Affair. 

Another thing I also want to mention. I have written two letters to him. Very polite ones before I had any proof of the affair. One letter was in January when he refused to talk about anything, the other one was in February after we had the so called talk. In both of them I acknowledged that I am not perfect and that I was willing to address whatever issues that he thought were the problem in our marriage. He never replied to any of those letters nor opened up any conversation about that. And while we were in marriage counselling beginning of Feb(on my initiative) he had already talked to divorce lawyer and on his computer I found out that he was searching one bedroom apartments on one local site(this I found out in Jan).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I think he's a selfish POS. And you deserve better. But you have a family and have that in mind. So keeping a family intact has to account for something. So it's worth finding a middle ground you can both agree on. Each of us has our own viewpoint, our own self-justifications. No matter how evil he seems to you at this point, in HIS mind, he was doing what he needed to do. So, if you want to save the marriage, you have to accept that fact and keep it in mind when dealing with him.

Only you know how much groveling, or Giving, you can keep doing, to give your son an intact family.

OTOH, it's always possible that if you keep taking the high road and show your husband that you WILL accept his faults, you just may be the only person around who WILL give him a second chance, and that may be the impetus he needs to change. Only you guys will know that.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Sorry but what does POS stand for? Not always up to date on this forum lingo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

piece of sh*t


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I have a question for Tanerlornpete and Turnera regarding the above comment. Are you guys on the same page when you are giving me advice about this? Because I get this impression(correct me if I am wrong) that you two do not see eye to eye on some things.


It seems to me that Turnera and I are on the same page (could be wrong.) Turnera tends to shoot from the hip, as soon as the emotion hits, I stress paying extremely close attention to the thought processes going on at every possible opportunity.

Both of us are not favorably disposed toward what you write about your husband. I view everything from the idea that I do not have both sides of the story, and that everyone writes with a particular bias. Because of that, I always tend to concentrate on what the author of the post is thinking, and doing, rather than what their spouse may be doing.

In any event: I pretty much agree with Turnera - you should ONLY take your husband back if he comes to you in humility, admitting what he has done to you. But I am very concerned about how you present your case: when you answer Turnera's post:



> That said, I would NEVER take him back, if I were you, if he didn't come to you in utter, total humility and shame for what he has done to YOU. Not what he did to himself, what he did to YOU.


By saying:



> If he came clean when I confronted him instead of denying everything I would have considered working on our marriage. I think I still gave him enough opportunities to do so.


There are two possible conclusions: you didn't mean what you wrote, or else you did. If you didn't mean it, why say it? And if you meant it, then what that quote is saying is that _because he did not come clean when you confronted him_ you are not willing to consider working on the marriage. So again I ask why you are even bothering to post in the infidelity section: shouldn't you be seeking advice in the divorce area? 

I'm glad you've read through the books and learned about some of the fundamentals - and even guessed at some of the things that may have been trouble spots in your marriage. But I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there is something else that has not yet been addressed here. I may not be the sharpest lightbulb in the stack, but I am pretty good at my job, and I suspect there is more to why your husband went for an affair than just missing some recreational companionship, etc. If anything, using Harley's lists, I'd guess possibly it has more to do with Disrespectful Judgments - and his wanting to avoid them. I also sense that there is an overall habit between you two of him doing what he wants and you saying nothing - to the extent that he knows that if he simply ignores you, things will revert to normal. 

Your objections to Plan B show that you are not ready for it anyway, so I'd keep it off the table. But Plan A is very simple. The problem I've seen from your posts is that you will only do something if it results in a goal you've assigned (I'll be nice to him today, if he'll do 'X' later tonight.) Plan A does not work that way. It is an intentional, deliberate decision to stop Love Busters (Extinguishers). Until that happens, Love Kindlers (Emotional Needs) cannot be applied.

So, my advice is to quit worrying about your husband's behavior and concentrate on yours - regardless of him. In the end, you'll either get your divorce, or your marriage back. And if you get your marriage back, you'll get the confession you so desperately desire.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I was always for working on my marriage affair or not. But I thought by having his admission and discussing what was really troubling both of us, then we can start working on our marriage. Maybe in my previous posts I put more emphasis on the admission part than the discussing the real problems part.

Both my husband and I can be stubborn(even his mother says that he is stubborn) but in these 9 years I was more willing to compromise. On top of that he was always the one to make more money and thought that he had the right to always have it his way in most situations. Now, I was not compromising in absolutely everything because many times we agreed on many things.

So the disrespectful judgement you are talking about I think was present and I read more about it on marriage builders.

I also think he always put more emphasis on his career and never took my ambitions seriously. At least that's how I felt. Now I don't regret leaving my career and moving to CT because this was truly a good opportunity for him and for us as family to save some money on taxes and maybe later move somewhere else in the world. Sure sometimes I missed my work(I have never been unemployed for more than 2 weeks) and he took that as me bit*hing about CT and so on. He also likes to brag about his position a lot. Now I know he is proud of his achievments(and so am I) but come on show some humbleness once in a while. 

The other thing that I think was missing in our relationship/marriage was some healthy arguments if you know what I mean. We almost never argued and everyone says that for a good marriage you need that once in a while(not as a pissing match but more of a constructive criticism).

I think I need to read Harleys Love Busters too. 

I have always been a person that would tell the truth in the face rather than talk behind someones back. And he is the same except when it comes talking about his feelings(he said that not me). I even asked him in Feb why he has not tried to speak to me when he saw a problem. He said he had but that is not true because if someone came to me with serious concerns like that you better believe it I would listen and pay attention.

So ok I will try to be nice but I don't want to end up somehow aiding the affair by fulfilling some needs here at home. This morning we both got up, I made breakfast and we all had breakfast together. We chatted about some cartoons our son likes and then I went to the grocery store to get some stuff. This pm he said he was going to make some steaks on the BBQ and I said I will prepare some side dish. So I hope I did not do something to love bust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

As I read it one of the major points Harley makes is that you don't work on the problems first. You work on the love. No love busters. Stay away from the things that make him uncomfortable. It is too early for you to discuss problems as you have to stop the free fall. Talk that is unfomfortable is a love buster. 
You wouldn't talk with "the tone" if you had just started dating. Treat him like you first met him and were trying to impress him. Nothing overboard but no love buster. I hope you are getting this. Positive, positive, positive. Very hard to do, but you can do it. How do you speak to your boss or minister. Talk to him that way. And you are going to need to do this for months. You won't even be making deposits in the love bank. You will just be removing the bad elements from your relationship.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

He suggested this afternoon we take son to the pool. We did and we had a great time. At one point he called me "sweetie" which I think was accidental. We then came back home and son went to sleep. As he was doing the bbq he says to me he wants to keep it but said I can buy one for myself. I did not say anything to that. We then had dinner, talked more about sports and the he went out with some guys from the golf club where he now has an office. Now whether that's true or not I don't know. He said we would continue the discussion about the parenting plan tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

He suggested this afternoon we take son to the pool. We did and we had a great time. At one point he called me "sweetie" which I think was accidental. We then came back home and son went to sleep. As he was doing the bbq he says to me he wants to keep it but said I can buy one for myself. I did not say anything to that. We then had dinner, talked more about sports and the he went out with some guys from the golf club where he now has an office. Now whether that's true or not I don't know and I won't obess with that either. He said we would continue the discussion about the parenting plan tomorrow.

So Tanelornpete and everyone else pls continue commenting on my posts. I know sometimes you may have to tell me the same thing few times but pls know I value your opinions a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like he's dead set on divorce. He's cleared it all up in his mind.


----------



## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

It looks like your marriage is slowly thawing, however, he has not come to you and asked for forgiveness. It's like both of you are ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the room. I am by no means a marriage counselor, and it seems that things are getting better, BUT has he really paid any price for his choosing to forsake his vow of marriage to you? I am asking this because, if he thinks that there were really no significant consequences to his immoral behavior and both of you are back together again as a family...what if another cheating situation comes around? What is to really keep him in check? He's the one with the trust issue. This affair needs to discussed, he needs to ask/beg for forgiveness, he then needs to begin to build your trust back into your relationship before much else can go on. This is like a sore that does not heal, in fact is has some puss in it and it will not heal up until the sore has been re-opened, cleaned, disinfected and bandaged up properly.
Please get a very good marriage counselor for both of you and plan on going through these sessions for about 6 months. Then, the new slab/ground-work has once again been established and you will probably have not just a salvaged marriage, but hopefully a new healthy and robust relationship.
I wish you well.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

We did try marriage counselling about 6 individual sessions in Feb(at my suggestion) but that was before I found out about the affair. I don't think our marriage counsellor was that good. We never got to a joint session because he did not feel like doing it. Couple months later I actually found out that he was already consulting a divorce lawyer at the same time we went with the counselling. The affair itself was in full swing Jan, Feb and most of March. Those were probably the 3 worst months in my life.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Very well done. This is what you need to do, despite the Disloyal Dizziness. You were right not to respond to his statement about the grill. Positive. Positive. Strong is attractive.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you following finallyseewhy's thread? The minute she showed any independence, by going out with her girlfriends and no longer waiting around for him, he goes crazy and starts courting her again. Not saying that will work for you, just reiterating that waywards HATE it when you don't follow their plan.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> It sounds like he's dead set on divorce. He's cleared it all up in his mind.


unfortunately turnera I think you may be right. You should see him how relaxed he is when discussing the parenting plan this afternoon. You would think we were planning a vacation or something. On the other hand I have to pop a pill before every one of these conversations so I keep my composure. I am still very emotional about everything. I just can't believe people can clear it all up in their mind that quickly and throwing away many years of life together. But I will try to be nice and implement as much as I can from Plan A and see where that takes me. I guess right now I have nothing to lose by doing that.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I need your opinion:

On Friday we got into a little bit of a scuffle with H. He calls me at 4pm just when son got up from nap to tell me he won't be coming home that evening because he is going to a BBQ at some friend from the golf club where he has an office now. This is Friday of this long weekend. I was really hoping he would be home that evening so I could go to the gym. I prefer going to the gym once the baby goes to sleep so when I come back tired at least he is already in bed. So I tell H that and he says: 

Why don't you go to the gym now? I already had plans to go to some store with son and then take him to the park since the weather was really nice. To make the long story short I lost my temper at H and we got into a pi**ing match via Blackberries. I made a reference to the affair in one of my messages to which he called it "ridiculous". I replied to him "ridiculous" is what people think of him when they find out what he has been up to in the last 6 months. 

Anyways I don't think I handled this the right way. I know losing my temper is not a love kindler exactly but sometimes it is hard to control once emotions.

In the meantime he has been in a foul mood(whether because of this or because the evil twin is creeping back) and I thought I at least apologize for my behaviour. Since we do not speak about the affair at home and I clearly don't have anything from him to say exactly what part of my behaviour has led to that affair I also thought about asking him that in the letter. This is what I want to respond so please tell me if you think this is OK.

Hi Husband,

_I am not here to be angry but I am hurt beyond what you are capable to understand right now. I know I flew off the handle on Friday and that was not the right way to go about it and I appologize for that. But what made me upset was not your BBQ but the fact that you always want me to do things on your schedule, especially in the last 6 months. On the other hand I never know when you are coming home, if you are going to be at home and when you do tell me you give me a short notice and you expect me to drop everything to acommodate you. I am not trying to play a cop here but as your wife I think I have the right to know(we are still married right?) and be given a little bit more notice in advance. 

As for the affair we both what happened and there is nothing either you or me can do to change the past. You know I used a keylogger(not proud of what I had to do but you left me no choice) and those keystrokes were yours. And I certainly did not make up those emails, nor your stays in NYC and Cancun.. All I want to know is what actions of mine led to it. There was something in our marriage that was lacking for that to happen. I need to know this for myself. I can't just stop loving you overnight. And that's my problem that I can only love in a big way and then end up being hurt. We have a child together and that bond will always be there no matter what else happens. 
Sometimes we maybe doing things to each other that we are not even aware that they may be hurting the other person. If I am doing or have done such things I want to know what they are so I stop doing them._

I would appreciate your input on this. Just as a reminder, ever since discovering the affair I have not lost my temper on him more than twice in these 6 months. When we did talk he keeps saying that it was my attitude that was the problem but he would not say what specifically nor give me an example of it. Now I am of a feisty nature(he has actually told me before that he liked that in me) but I usually don't fly off the handle for little things.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't send it. He will not give you anything you need. And certainly don't admit to keylogging or any other kind of monitoring. The evil twin will use that against you.

Hon, he is gone. He has reverted back to his 15 year old self who only wants instant gratification and to not have to play house. Nothing you do or say is going to make him be happy to be a husband/dad again, not for a long time. Even if he continued an affair and got her pregnant, he would just do the same thing to her - cheat on her and leave her. 

IMO, the ONLY way you can ever get him back is if you walk away. I'm sorry.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

This is why I want to hear other people's opinion on this because I am debating whether to send it or not.

Well he already knows about the keylogging. I don't think he is that stupid to get her pregnant(she is almost 50 years old), I am not too worried about that.

Tanelornpete, what's your opinion on this?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I didn't mean I thought he would get her pregnant. I was commenting on his..level of morality at this point.

And PLEASE do not make the all-too-common betrayed spouse mistake of thinking your WS will be NICE to you in divorce court. That's how you end up with nothing. Once you get to the lawyer stage, lawyers take over. No talk in letters or emails or texts about surveillance, ok?


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My lawyer knows about it and so does his lawyer because we started the divorce as collaborative but we are no longer in that process since he did not want to collaborate regarding the money he cleared from our joint account. But we are still doing the divorce in collaborative like manner to avoid courts and fees related to that. My lawyer is fine with the keylogger and in Ct even though it is a no fault state the info can still be used in court and the judge can decide what they do with it. We did come up with an agreement that we are both happy regarding the visitation/parenting plan for our son(we would have had to do one regardless if this is divorce or legal separation). The lawyers are looking over it right now. I wanted that cleared out before we get to the money part.

The interesting part is that when something comes up from me or the lawyer he would get upset first and then he will calm down. He has done this on few occasions now. And he is paying for MY lawyer as well.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Tanelornpete, what's your opinion on this?


Actually, I'm still a little confused as to why you would want to send that letter...


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Well as I said we got into a scuffle on Friday via our blackberries so I thought I apologize for flying off the handle and basically tell him what I was looking for. There was a mention about the affair in the emails(no I was not asking him to admit just in case you were wondering). 

Since my H never really gave me a real specific reason why he is tired of this marriage I thought I ask him. This is why I am asking if this is a good idea or not to send this/or discuss this with him at this point. I mean no matter what happens I would like to know where I have gone wrong. It is kinda hard to try to fix something if you don't know where it is broken.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Since my H never really gave me a real specific reason why he is tired of this marriage I thought I ask him. This is why I am asking if this is a good idea or not to send this/or discuss this with him at this point. I mean no matter what happens I would like to know where I have gone wrong. It is kinda hard to try to fix something if you don't know where it is broken.


Well, I completely agree with that! If you do send this - I'd leave the paragraph about the affair, the keyloggers, etc. completely out. Just apologize and ask for some hints about what you may have done...


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I will be sending my response tomorrow so if there is anyone else that wants to chip in with their opinion please do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

If I don't hear a response from my H on the last letter I sent him, how should I interpret that?(see on page 2 on my thread what I wrote)


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Seems like that would be what you should expect...


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Seems like that would be what you should expect...


I know I may not hear from him on the letter, just like I did not hear on the other two letters I sent him before(Jan and Feb 09). But what should I think in terms of the things I may have done wrong in this marriage? I am not saying I was perfect but if I did something that was that really bad I want to know. Or is he trying to just find justification for his affair by giving me some BS story that he was not happy but not saying exactly what made him so unhappy that he had to go outside to find it?

I personally get this gut feeling that he does not know what to say but who knows.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't answer you because he has NO intention of taking any heat for what he's done. 

Plain and simple, he's selfish and self-centered - welcome to the world of adulterers. Something inside HIM makes him able to stab a knife in someone else's heart for his own benefit; that gene has been in him since birth and it happened to blossom when he was married to you. That is all. If he hadn't married you, he would have cheated on someone else.

nrtq, it's time to stop second-guessing yourself. I can't think of a single person who can find anything wrong in what you did. And even if you did, it in NO WAY gave him the right to commit adultery. NEVER.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If you don't hear from him, I'd just go about learning all you can about communication, filling emotional needs and kindlers, avoiding love busters and love extinguishers, determine what your personality type is (what it's weaknesses are and how to overcome them - and what it's strengths are) and in general just work on yourself. As you become stronger, you'll overcome a lot of what may have happened in your marriage - and with some clear communication tools, you'll be able to determine them from now on.

It may be that you won't find out from him for some time, if ever. Especially if he perceives your questioning as some kind of control mechanism.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So would you say that this was an exit affair for him?

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/whypeoplecheat/f/blame_for_affair.htm
I found this article and the last bullet point seems to describe what is happening here in my marriage.

_Some spouses cheat in order to end the relationship. They have what is referred to as an “exit affair.” Breaking up is hard to do, and some people avoid the confrontation or possibility of the other spouse not agreeing to a divorce by doing something to cause one. This is the most hurtful way to end a relationship._


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think he expected you to just stay at home and LET him cheat because you 'need' him too much. I think you shocked the hell out of him by kicking him out.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Well I did not kick him out(I would have if we were back in Canada under different circumstances) but I think he might have still asked for the divorce but maybe he was hoping I would not find out about the affair.

Some days I am really tempted to send an email to the OW. I know how you guys feel about it. I probably should not go down to her level and that my husband is the one to really blame at the end of the day for his actions. I think she was shocked when I confronted them in front of the restaurant and she probably thought I was going to go psycho on her(but I did not, I handled everything with dignity even thought I wanted to punch both of them in the face)


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have no problem with contacting her.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So we are at the pool today and husband just told me that the minority owner of the company where he used to work invited him and son to some lake tomorrow. Apparently there will be some activity for kids. So I asked if I could come too. He says no because he wants to spend time with son. 

Now this part owner of the company is going to guarantee husband another work visa throgh one of his other businesses. I don't know if he knows of our divorce(him and his wife know me to) but I am sure he does not know that the affair started in a way on his company dime while H was still CEO.

My H is now working with him to help him find investors so this guy can buy back the rest of the company. I was planning of telling him about my H affair at some point. This guy and his wife have helped us a lot in trying to settle down here and I will be really embarrased when he finds out what H has been up to.

What would you do in my situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> So we are at the pool today and husband just told me that the minority owner of the company where he used to work invited him and son to some lake tomorrow. Apparently there will be some activity for kids. So I asked if I could come too. He says no because he wants to spend time with son.
> 
> Now this part owner of the company is going to guarantee husband another work visa throgh one of his other businesses. I don't know if he knows of our divorce(him and his wife know me to) but I am sure he does not know that the affair started in a way on his company dime while H was still CEO.
> 
> ...


Anyone? I really need your opinion on what I should do?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are getting divorced. Telling him now is not being done to save your marriage.

If you want to go to him as a friend, that's one thing. If it's to warn him off as a potential employer for your husband, that's something else.

I guess it would depend on how close you are to him. And why you are telling him.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I personally, I am not that close to him but my husband has been working closely with him for the past 6 months. Yes,I want to warn him as a potential employer. Also the guy is a very family oriented guy with 4 kids so I don't think he would look favorably to an affair. Whether that would influence my husband and help end the affair I don't know but at least I can try.

I am certainly not doing this as a revenge.

Also at some point the affair was being conducted on this guy's company dime(the stay in Cancun, and NYC in Dec and probably the stay in March in NYC). 

The other thing is my husband had a company cell phone that they took away when he was fired. The bills of this cell phone went to the HR person at the company(who also knows me). I am 100% sure that if she pulled out those cell phone bills she will see tons of phone calls to the OW. Of course that does not give you a proof of affair alone, but together with the emails I have would make lots of sense.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well...you know...the MB philosophy that I follow doesn't recommend exposing after the marriage is going into divorce, if you don't think you'll reconcile. It can be seen as vindictive...because it really is, on some level.

That said, I am really really blunt and stubborn and I don't believe in letting people get away with destroying other people's lives without consequences. So that side of me says go ahead and tell.

If you do, maybe it will end the affair. It may or may not lose him this job. If it does, you can bet if he finds out it's because of you - at this stage when he's already divorced you in his mind - he'll likely never come back. So...you can do it to stop the affair and leave him without an OW. But you may not get your husband back. I hope that makes sense.

We really can't decide for you.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

The thing is he was the one who asked and filed for divorce right after I busted him and the OW in front of the restaurant. There was really not that much time between those two events to expose to everyone. But my idea was also telling this person that divorce was not my option and that saving my marriage is the primary goal.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK. Your H, I think, has a *serious *issue with being faced with doing something wrong. As in, maybe toxic shame so bad that he would give up his whole marriage than face what he has done. I really think that, unless he faces that, nothing will be worth saving.

But it's your marriage, so I have no place saying what's worth fighting for. I wish I had better advice. I wish others would come in.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> So we are at the pool today and husband just told me that the minority owner of the company where he used to work invited him and son to some lake tomorrow. Apparently there will be some activity for kids. So I asked if I could come too. He says no because he wants to spend time with son.
> 
> Now this part owner of the company is going to guarantee husband another work visa throgh one of his other businesses. I don't know if he knows of our divorce(him and his wife know me to) but I am sure he does not know that the affair started in a way on his company dime while H was still CEO.
> 
> ...


 I lost it on husband last night(I did call him an idiot, even though I have never said that to him in 9 years). He took son to the above event(some private club) with the part owner of the company and his family. He brought the child back after 9pm when he knows that son has to go to bed by 830pm at the latest, plus having to give son a bath etc. He never even bothered to call me to tell me they will be that late. He tried to give me an excuse that he could not leave before they left because he was together with them. And on top of that around 7pm he sends me a photo text of son on a swing surrounded by the part owner of the company(where husband used to work) and his family. I never acknowledged the photo but I wonder what excuse he gave them that I was not there.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you sure this was about son coming home after 9? Does he turn into a pumpkin at 9? Think about it.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

It was. Because he knows that he has to go to bed by certain time. Plus the child was out since 330pm in that heat yesterday. And he never bothered to tell me he was going to be that late. He even told me himself before he left that he told the people he has to be back from there by 8pm because that is sons bedtime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

In the grand scheme of things, staying up another hour or two for an event is really not that big of a deal.

However, avoiding you, not telling you of it are petty and rude acts.

Not inviting you? Maybe he didn't invite you because he wanted to schmooze so he could make a business or career move. If you were there, it turns it in another direction given the sad dynamic that you two have currently.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Son has hard time sleeping through the night. I try to put him on some sort of schedule otherwise he gets so wound up that ends up falling asleep later and then wakes up all night.
And michzz I think you are right about the last part of your post. But the truth will come out one day. The lie has short legs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK, your situation notwithstanding, I tend to think that letting kids stay up late once in a while can actually be a good thing, because it sets the event apart for them and lets them feel special. It's a good feeling that carries forward. I still remember my parents having a party when I was about 5, and them letting me slip out of the room to join the big people when I wasn't supposed to; still have goosebumps remembering how special I felt that night. 

It's possible it turned out to be such a good time for him that your husband didn't want to cut it short for him.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Need your advice guys on something. H has been acting "nice" lately trying to appear to be helpful. Yesterday I mentioned something that I could not find my old resume so he checked on his laptop and sent me an older copy of my resume. He told me to buy whatever small appliances I may need for my apartment in Canada including a new TV and DVD player.

Now I know these may look like nice things he is trying to do for me and I am not doing anything at this moment to "love bust" either, just going and doing my own thing and taking care of the baby. 

However, all these nice things he is trying to do appear to me like he is trying to relieve his guilt rather than geniuine help.

Do I say something to him or not? I mean if he was trying to be really nice would he not stop the divorce process at least?


----------

