# confused, dont know what to make of it...



## wialsp (Oct 27, 2012)

Like so many others who come here, i find myself in marriage problems. I need some advice and hear from other people if they have ecountered the same things.
Jan 1st last year, my husband told me he needs space, that he can't take it anymore.... I asked him to talk it over with me, but i packed his clothes when i was at work. He did nto talk to me, answer txts, emails etc, but he saw our kids regularly , every day when he could and he left before i got home. A week later, he told me he would come back home. We had talked then and we knew that we needed to make time for talking out our problems. I knew we had problems in our marriage, that neither was happy. but i never expected him to up and leave. I was devastated. Later found out that he was housesitting for a friend. And no, there never was another female in the picture. In the last 1 1/2 years i have tried to talk to him, i have tried to be upbeat, not negative, give him his space etc. I wanted to solve our problems. I asked, if we were okay and if we needed to talk about something or discuss something. The answer i got was " No, i am good, your good, we are all good" I knew we werent. But what was i to do? Force him to talk? so i kept asking and watching and as things sometimes go you slowly fall back into your old habits. 
Fast forward to this year: he works 2 days on-2 days off schedule and on his work days he works 12 hours. He gets off at 8PM. I get off at 5:30Pm. At 10pm i am tired, beat and want to go to bed. I ask him, " go ahead, i'll be there in a few" He did not come to bed before midnight. His response is, that he needs time to wind down from work. but it was the same on his off days.
This summer a friend of his had a family emergency out of state and asked him, if he could house/dog sit for him. My hsband asked me, and "of course you can, not a problem, ..." It was first for only a few days but his friend had to stay out of town for over 1 1/2 weeks. When his friend returned home, he did not, he told me we needed to talk. a few days later when we talked (when our kids were in school) he told me that he needs more time. that over those last 2 weeks he felt that stopped to resent coming home and that we all talk more, that he loves me, but that he is not in love with me. he has thought about divorce, he has thought about coming back. He has talked to his friend and his friends minister. He needs time.
I told him that I want to save my marriage and he can take his time. that was nearly 4 months ago. I have tried talking to him about our problems, i have offered counseling . He replied: 'If i dont open up and talk to you , what makes you think i am doing this with a complete stranger" I have made an effort to change , a permanent change to be positive. I try to talk, ask him about his work, his day, his interests etc. But as soon as the subject of us or our problems come up, he locks up. 
I can't really say that he moved out. Why? All of his clothes are here. He comes home every night, takes a shower, has dinner with us. watches TV with us, everything is the same routine, except he does not sleep at home. when he goes to his friends house (his friend is staying with his GF and let him stay there) he takes only the clothes that he needs for the next day. we txt during the day. I txt him 'good mornings" and after he leaves for the night we txt another 30-60min. we go out, just the 2 of us, (abot once a week)
I have talked to friends who know my husband, i ahve talked to some who dont. Nobody cant understand it. My optimistic friends say, there is hope; others think he is in a midlife crisis or depressive phase. I have told my husband to talk to his doctor that maybe he needs a different medication but he said he talked to his doc and they both decided that he is fine.
I asked him if he thinks that there is hope and he said" I always think there is hope".
He is not ready to come home yet. He "has never done something like that....is not a someone who can open up and talk...."
I dont know what to do. I was going back and forth between pushing him to talk and leaving him alone. 3 weeks ago, i told that sooner or later he will have to make a decision one way or another. I believe, (and i told him that) that he is procrastinating and that he cant pretend that if he does not acknowledge a problem, that it sooner or later goes away. 
I have tried to tell him that if it is easier we can email the problems or even txt it, if that is easier for him. I offered that we could make a list of our problems and work on it one by one.
He told me, that he can see the efffort and the changes we (the kids and I) are doing. He can see the positive side. I have told him last time that the next step has to come from him. He acknowedge it, and that my pushing him was only to get him to talk


I think, that as long as he has options he will not make a decision, even thinking about a decision.I am a pessimist and a realist and i am emotionally preparing myself for the worst, but that does not mean that i wont do anything to work on it. I am afraid that no matter what i do, it is the wrong thing. I am scared that every day when i get home that his stuff is gone (it is not). I have offered or suggested that maybe once in a while he should spend the night here without any expectations afterward (he will think about that). 

Since i am from a Europe, i have no family support here (and no longer there) and his family lives in different states and there is no support there. Last year when i tried to reach out to my MIL, she told me " I am sorry, i know how hard it is when you want to talk and the other one doesn't that call to her last maybe 5 min. Needless to say, i have not contacted her since. My are In-laws are divorced and both remarried.
some background info: We will be married 19 years this December and have 2 daughters (16+12). We live in the Midwest and the closest relative is 10hrs drive away.
What am i to make of all of this? How am i supposed to handle and deal with all of it? Wait? Dont wait?
I am not opposed to go to counselling but would like to go together and d/t finances (i am trying to pay the bills off etc) can't really afford it right now. 
I could use some suggestions or ideas


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your husband is cake-eating: he is living in both worlds. Acting like he's single when he feels like it, enjoying the benefits of being married (home-cooked meals, home, children) when he feels like it.

WHERE IS THE INCENTIVE for him to change, for ANYTHING to change when this is going on. HE IS PERFECTLY HAPPY with things the way they are. Only YOU and the children are unhappy.

BTW: I thought it was VERY TELLING that he is happy with the "changes" you and the children have had to make to accommodate HIM. What has HE done to accommodate you and the children?


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## wialsp (Oct 27, 2012)

Thx for answering. 
He has stopped being on the computer each night when we are all together, and he started to talk more in general. 
But other than that i dont think anything has changed. I thought i knew that man, ...i dont anymore. I dont know what is going on in his head and since he does not want to talk about it, that leaves me in the trenches trying to pick up pieces.
I have asked him if he is holding out on me and he answered that he was not. I know he is confused about the situation but i also feel that he is not thinking on how to fix it or, even more basic, that he wants to continue the relationship. I know that currently he is content with the situation, but i am not ready or willing to make decision for him. I feel he needs to decide.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> BTW: I thought it was VERY TELLING that he is happy with the "changes" you and the children have had to make to accommodate HIM. What has HE done to accommodate you and the children?


And that is what worries me the most.

What has he done?

Everything he has done is for himself. Not for you or your marriage.

Are you sure there is no one else? Have you checked the cell bills to make sure.

Can you tell us what he does or a living?


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## wialsp (Oct 27, 2012)

I am sure that there is nobody else. He was in the Military for 12 years and left the army, worked as a Parts manager for one of the big car dealers in the area, then decided to go Law Enforcement. He is now doing this for 5 years and got more involved in the Rural Firedepartment. (personally i think our issues have accelerated since then)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I know that currently he is content with the situation, but i am not ready or willing to make decision for him


Why are you waiting for HIM to make a decision about YOUR life?!? YOU are entitled to a vote, too!
..
Why is the marriage OVER if HE says it's over. And NOT OVER if HE says it's not over?

Are you worried about being "the bad guy" if you tell him it's over? Personally, I feel HE is the bad guy for refusing to move forward (either WITH you, or towards divorce). Doesn't make YOU the bad guy for demanding that he poop or get off the pot!

Can you tell us why (if you even know) you won't demand that he either attend MC WITH YOU starting within the next 2 weeks OR you are divorcing him? Do YOU EVEN KNOW why you're not standing up for yourself (maybe it's religious, maybe you're scared, maybe you don't feel you deserve better, maybe you're in denial it's really bad).

The more you can concentrate on what YOUR role is in this dynamic, the more YOU CAN EFFECT CHANGE for yourself. You can't MAKE HIM CHANGE, only yourself.


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

It really makes no sense why he sees you all the time and wont stay there?? What time does he leave at? Is it early enough for him to be going out after???


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