# First Post - H. is elusive



## Harriet (Jan 17, 2010)

Good evening all - I have never started a post anywhere, let alone a "Marriage Blog." So, please bear with me...

Quick status:  
Married 14+ years, three kids (12/9/5) semi-separated nine months. He comes early in the morning every day and does the whole breakfast/kids to school routine with me. We both go to work and have supper together. He leaves after kids are in bed. He is renting about ten minutes from our home. 

Why? He says he does not feel the way a husband should feel for a wife and he thinks I am in denial about how I feel about him! Suspect: Latent/hidden/denied/unresolved sexual orientation. There is no other woman - I would bet my house on this based on total lack of evidence. Total lack of gut feeling. Total transparency (mutual). However, another man? Maybe. 

I found a snapshot of H. and his old male coworker stuck in the bottom of his underwear drawer. They look like a couple! Leaning in, the look in their eyes, etc.

Before you call me out for being hysterical, I'll say this: He's never been into sex (even when we were in college). He has been teased about being gay over the years - first with a high school buddy and since then with a few other guys. Of course we've had sex (thus the kids), but his preference is receiving oral (but he won't give it to me) and anal (which I hate, but tolerated from time to time). 

Problem: I adore him. I lust after him. I am so into him. He distanced himself because he wasn't feeling a connection. That's the sole reason. He also admitted that he didn't feel attracted to me nor to any woman. He says he feels "numb" and wants to figure out why. 

I argue - why don't we figure it out together? But he resists.

The "good" stuff is that he is a spectacular father and he is respectful and kind to me - but as a platonic colleague, not a romantic spouse. I think we have so much to work with - I am so stressed that the distance will become permanent.

I am lonely and frustrated. During the first couple months of our separation, I pouted and cried and wrote letter after letter. I have laid off (out of self preservation and pride), but I still feel all those emotions - I am just not wearing my heart on my sleeve.

So... might he be gay? If he is gay, can we stay married with an "understanding?" If he is not gay, can we reconnect? If so, does anyone have any ideas? I have read so many self-help books from the library (i.e. Michele Weiner Davis, John Gottman, Dr. Phil, etc.) my head is spinning. 

Sorry to take so much space... Feels good to vent. Am trying to get the hang of this blog thing.

Thanks.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

oh Harriet, what a situation. 
First I just want to say that you are doing good, you are doing great.
And you are not in the least hysterical - quite the opposite -
Is he gay - I would say YES - (not that I know at all but based on your story and what I know of life) 
let's face it sexuality is a spectrum not a binary opposition - 
gay men do get married and have kids - heaps of them 
but if he has been in denial and still is there is not a whole lot you guys can move forward with until he is ready to come out...
are you seeing a counsellor yourself ?

I feel for you - it is a painful situation for you - and I am very impressed with the way you have handled it thus far - but my honest advice is professional support for yourself to weather things 

keep posting loads of people here to help and lend an ear...


----------

