# Sad newlywed:(



## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi everyone. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 1 year old, but have only been married for 3 months. 
Since the hype of the wedding died down my husband had become cold and distant and has now said that he isn't in love with me and regrets we got married. He is embarrassed and stressed that we let it get this far and feels we need to proceed with making life decisions to successfully co-parent. We did fight a lot in the lead up to the wedding and before that we were dealing with raising an infant, finances, moving countries, it was a stressful time and now that everything has calmed down he feels he is able to take it the reality of the current circumstances. 
I'm so incredibly sad. Beyond words. 
So in denial. 
We've done so much couples counseling over the years to help us through name hurdles. It has seen us through previous break ups,physical illness, anxiety, and much more. He doesn't want to go back there. 
DH. Also is depressed and is hating everything about his life at the moment apart from our son who he adores. 

I don't know what to do. 
I'm so upset. I lie in bed next to him at night and I just want to hold him and love on him. We can still enjoy laughing together with our son but deep down I'm so hurt and holding back so much. I don't want him to think that I'm ok with his behavior and decision because I can soldier on and be a mother without breaking down all day long. 

I'm really struggling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is not a lot that you can do except concentrate on your son and yourself.

Start doing things to take care of yourself, get busy.. if you need to lose any weight do so and start working out.

Be good and kind to him. But do not pursue him. that will drive him further away.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Thanks. 

I am doing all that. My son keeps me busy. 
And I am good to him, without pursuing him. I just refuse to accept what he's saying right now. I feel completely shocked. I feel like the wedding was one giant facade where he's played me for an absolute fool- declaring his vows to me, his amazing speech, and love songs performed in front of our family and friends. I just can't believe it and don't want to believe it. How can I ever believe anything he ever says??


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Can you clarify what your husband meant about "we need to proceed with making life decisions to successfully co-parent." Is he saying that it is time to move on (i.e. divorce) and just make sure you guys do the best to minimize any impact on your son?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Kaydea said:


> Hi everyone. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 1 year old, but have only been married for 3 months.
> Since the hype of the wedding died down my husband had become cold and distant and has now said that he isn't in love with me and regrets we got married. He is embarrassed and stressed that we let it get this far and feels we need to proceed with making life decisions to successfully co-parent. We did fight a lot in the lead up to the wedding and before that we were dealing with raising an infant, finances, moving countries, it was a stressful time and now that everything has calmed down he feels he is able to take it the reality of the current circumstances.
> I'm so incredibly sad. Beyond words.
> So in denial.
> ...


I'm sorry about what you're going through.  It is absolutely a difficult thing to go through.

Looking back, do you agree with your husband that you probably should not have married? Did you perhaps marry because of your son?

As difficult as it is, if your husband is clear that he is unhappy and does not want to be married any longer, you should let him go. Yes it is painful, but if you've tried to convince him otherwise and he's still adamant, then holding on will cause resentment and more pain. You both deserve to be with spouses who will love you...or lead a life of peace and harmony rather than resentment and discord. If you love him, do you want him to be with you out of duty, knowing he's not happy?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His timing is odd but he isn't the first person to change his mind after the wedding. Maybe he felt pressured to marry you. Maybe he thought at the time that he really did want to. Difficult to say. He's obviously the only one who knows how he feels so don't think he doesn't mean it because he really could. Maybe he'll change his mind again and maybe he won't. You have to be prepared for all possibilities. Will he agree to talk to a counselor?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I agree with the others who suggest just letting him go. My h married me after 11 years together, and within two years of the wedding was cheating. At the time, he had experienced physical and mental health issues, and I interpreted his decision to marry as a way of holding us together while he personally fell apart, because he finally came clean about his physical and mental struggles AFTER we married, but not before. But in retrospect, I think he wanted to get married because he thought it would change how he felt about his mortality and his declining physical and mental health, and it didn't help. In response to that realization, he went crazy and started looking for a new relationship because he needed the feel-good feelings, the lust, the honeymoon period, and the whole exuberance of a new relationship. There are people who think that the act of marrying will change the way they feel, and it really doesn't; it adds a whole new layer of complexity to a relationship, especially one with kids. And it can feed the demon of depression, especially if a person puts a lot of expectation and hope into the possibility that a change in status will significantly and profoundly change them and help address their issues.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Yeah I think that's what he means. Separate and just be friends and focus on co parenting. :'-(
Can someone please tell me how to include someone else's reply as a quote in my reply???


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Can you clarify what your husband meant about "we need to proceed with making life decisions to successfully co-parent." Is he saying that it is time to move on (i.e. divorce) and just make sure you guys do the best to minimize any impact on your son?


Yes I think that's what he means. Separate and just do our best at being friends.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Kaydea said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 1 year old, but have only been married for 3 months.
> ...


No I don't agree that we shouldn't have gotten married. About 3 years we went through a rocky patch and we went to counseling for it. Basically he was having cold feet about our relationship because he was unsure if he was ready to commit for good or not. He went traveling with some friends and I found out that he kissed a woman overseas. I was ready to move on and leave but he basically begged for me to stay and was confessing that this mistake was done out of fear and now he was 100% certain of this, us, wrote to my parents about committing, basically said he was in it 100%. Wanted kids and wanted marriage. When I saw this seriousness and saw the sincerity his apology and actions I forgave him and agreed to stay. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then we got pregnant, and he proposed when I was 6months pregnant. And now here we are. I feel like I was in such a healthy place emotionally to be strong enough to leave when I wanted to 3 years ago. And now look at the mess I'm in because I decided to trust him. I took him word while I was a broken mess grieving over his stupid actions because I love him like no other. But now he's got a son, he's married me, and now wants to get rid of me. 
I'm so heartbroken


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Openminded said:


> His timing is odd but he isn't the first person to change his mind after the wedding. Maybe he felt pressured to marry you. Maybe he thought at the time that he really did want to. Difficult to say. He's obviously the only one who knows how he feels so don't think he doesn't mean it because he really could. Maybe he'll change his mind again and maybe he won't. You have to be prepared for all possibilities. Will he agree to talk to a counselor?


Really odd :'-(
That's what a fear. Constantly changing his mind. Last night he asked if I wanted to go on holidays with him (& our son) for a week. 
I don't get it. Is he trying to trick himself into thinking things are ok? Is he doing it out of pity for me? 
No he doesn't want to talk to a counselor.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> I agree with the others who suggest just letting him go. My h married me after 11 years together, and within two years of the wedding was cheating. At the time, he had experienced physical and mental health issues, and I interpreted his decision to marry as a way of holding us together while he personally fell apart, because he finally came clean about his physical and mental struggles AFTER we married, but not before. But in retrospect, I think he wanted to get married because he thought it would change how he felt about his mortality and his declining physical and mental health, and it didn't help. In response to that realization, he went crazy and started looking for a new relationship because he needed the feel-good feelings, the lust, the honeymoon period, and the whole exuberance of a new relationship. There are people who think that the act of marrying will change the way they feel, and it really doesn't; it adds a whole new layer of complexity to a relationship, especially one with kids. And it can feed the demon of depression, especially if a person puts a lot of expectation and hope into the possibility that a change in status will significantly and profoundly change them and help address their issues.


I can gather some parallels here. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. 
He's very depressed at the moment and it's been a long time coming. He hates his job. But needs to commit for a while longer because of debts. He often mentions he'd be better off dead and that my son and I would be better without him. He's just negative on all fronts right now. He's not hiding the fact that he's depressed though. It's just that I am his target. Everything that's not going right at the moment is being blamed on me. 
I just can't swallow the fact that this is it. I still feel like there's so much more in store for us. He needs to snap out of his depression and accept the love that I give him. Because right now everything is being repelled. 
Maybe he did think that getting married would change things. Who knows. 
Maybe..


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does it seem to you that he wants the convenience of marriage but not the constraints? He wants a "friend" who lives with him, ia a travel companion, keeps house, cooks, a baby minder, has sex when he pleases, and treats him like gold in an attempt to get him to love her. Luke him. 

I am assuming that he thinks he is free to roam since you agreed that you are his friend and not his wife, right? He can go out when he wants, have sex with other women and come back to a warm home and anxious loving friend. This is a shock and you will not be able to turn on a dime. However, you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable. 

Your husband has proven himself to be unreliable when things get rough. He does not care enough about you refrain from hurting you not once but twice. He is a self-centered person who feels that he can use your love for his benefit. He does not feel obliged to give you what you give him. These characteristics cannot be changed by you and they are probably fixed. 

You knew what he was like all these years, right? Did you get married hoping that he would change? He likes to keep you anxious and unsure about the relationship. That's the way he gets you to tolerate his selfishness and cruelty. You are trying to nice him into loving you. It's crazy making, no? And it will not work. He may be incapable of love. 

Wait and plan. Do not give him what he wants. You are either married or not. If married you expect to be treated with love and respect. Be prepared for an attempt to convince you to stay like last time. If you do, expect to go through several of these cycles before you get fed up and leave. 

It may not seem so now but when you get away from him, you will be relieved. You will wonder why you staid so long.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> Does it seem to you that he wants the convenience of marriage but not the constraints? He wants a "friend" who lives with him, ia a travel companion, keeps house, cooks, a baby minder, has sex when he pleases, and treats him like gold in an attempt to get him to love her. Luke him.
> 
> I am assuming that he thinks he is free to roam since you agreed that you are his friend and not his wife, right? He can go out when he wants, have sex with other women and come back to a warm home and anxious loving friend. This is a shock and you will not be able to turn on a dime. However, you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable.
> 
> ...


Yes I think in a way he kind of does, he wants the convenience of his son being looked after but not sure about the others. I'm sure he would much rather travel solo as traveling with baby & I would just be annoying to him due to all the restraints. At the moment there is no sex. I'm too hurt and he knows it so he's not initiating anything. 

No there hasn't been any talk of him being free to roam and be with other women yet. I think it's still a little fresh for all that talk to be brought up. He does go out when he wants, but so far there is no other woman, yet. But yes you're right, I am anxious. 

He has proven himself to be incredibly selfish and will not take the bad with the good. When the going gets though he just wants to ditch it all. How do you think he feels he can use my love for his benefit??? No he doesn't feel obliged to give me what I give him, why would he right? 

I knew he's been like this. But the big milestone was when he told me he was sure and certain 3 years ago when I was the one who was about to pack up and leave. I'm a lover and a feeler, and so I gave myself wholeheartedly based on his word. I don't regret that because I am proud of my authenticity to love but I can see how it's completely broken me. 
You've brought up a really interesting point. He likes to keep me anxious and unsure in order to tolerate his behavior. It really hurts. And it's really hard. :'(

Wait and plan, do not give him what he wants?? As in? Let him off the hook easy? What makes you think there may be an attempt to make me stay? I'm not the one who wants to leave. I'm begging him to stay.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Kaydea said:


> Hi everyone. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 1 year old, but have only been married for 3 months.
> Since the hype of the wedding died down my husband had become cold and distant and has now said that he isn't in love with me and regrets we got married. He is embarrassed and stressed that we let it get this far and feels we need to proceed with making life decisions to successfully co-parent. We did fight a lot in the lead up to the wedding and before that we were dealing with raising an infant, finances, moving countries, it was a stressful time and now that everything has calmed down he feels he is able to take it the reality of the current circumstances.
> I'm so incredibly sad. Beyond words.
> So in denial.
> ...



Moving countries.
Is he a foreign citizen?
Are you?
I ask because if he is from another country and you guys moved to your home country (I'm guessing America)...
Maybe he needed citizenship and now he has it.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Kaydea said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 1 year old, but have only been married for 3 months.
> ...


No we are both American. We were living in Australia where our child was born.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kaydea said:


> I knew he's been like this. But the big milestone was when he told me he was sure and *certain 3 years ago when I was the one who was about to pack up and leave.* I'm a lover and a feeler, and so I gave myself wholeheartedly based on his word.


So you see how this works, then. If he's not sure you're there no matter what, he steps up. Once he believes he has you in his pocket, he loses respect and desire for you. To that end, what I see is needed is for him to see you WILLING to walk away if you're not getting what YOU need. And right now, you're not. Right now, you're getting a reticent, selfish spouse. So let him see YOU taking care of yourself, NOT chasing him, setting up your own bank account and savings account. Make him respect you. _Make him fear losing you_.



> He likes to keep me anxious and unsure in order to tolerate his behavior.


This seems an odd thing to say. Is this something that happens a lot? Can you be more specific?


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> Kaydea said:
> 
> 
> > I knew he's been like this. But the big milestone was when he told me he was sure and *certain 3 years ago when I was the one who was about to pack up and leave.* I'm a lover and a feeler, and so I gave myself wholeheartedly based on his word.
> ...


Someone mentioned it above. They pointed it after reading my posts. They said it seems like he keeps me unsure to tolerate his behavior. As in I'm almost always on my toes and walking on eggshells with him.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> Kaydea said:
> 
> 
> > I knew he's been like this. But the big milestone was when he told me he was sure and *certain 3 years ago when I was the one who was about to pack up and leave.* I'm a lover and a feeler, and so I gave myself wholeheartedly based on his word.
> ...


How can I fear him losing me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, make HIM fear losing YOU. Like I said, open up your own bank account. Get enough money in there so that you can leave. For sure, have enough money in there so that you can leave and go stay in a hotel for a week if you need to. And EXERCISE that ability if he acts like an ass.

Read Boundaries In Marriage (Cloud and Townsend) to learn what I'm talking about. Walking on eggshells is about fear. Your fear of upsetting him, your fear of his anger, your fear of ridicule, whatever. It took me years and years of therapy to learn one thing: the ONLY way to improve my marriage was for ME to stop being afraid. Unless you're afraid of physical abuse, the rest is just YOU being afraid to stand up for yourself.

The boundaries book will help you learn how to stop those crazy-making behaviors. Here's an easy example. Say he raises his voice at you. YOUR job is to tell him "I don't deserve to be yelled at. If you yell at me, I will leave the room." And if he yells anyway, you LEAVE THE ROOM. 

The end result is that he will FEAR your strength. He will see that you no longer will just do what he says, that you'll protect yourself, you'll walk away, you'll be setting up your own life away from him so that you'll BE OK if you're not with him. That's what is missing - him seeing that you KNOW you'll be ok if he becomes a big enough jerk. Once he knows that, HE will have no choice but to respect you, too.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm sorry this happened to you, and yes, his timing sucks. He should have said something before the wedding. He should have let you go 3 years ago, or you should have stood up for yourself three years ago, but no changing either of those things now. All you can do is change the NOW, and take charge of the situation and stand up for yourself.

I agree with Turnera. You need to make him fear losing you. He's the one who said he doesn't want to be married, so give him what he wants. Do the 180. It's for spouses who have been cheated on, but it works for people in your situation, too.

I think this will have a really good chance of bringing him around, but that's not why you do it. You do it so you can be a better, stronger person, and prepare for a life outside this relationship, without him. You might find that not only do you not need him, but you might learn that *you don't want him*.

Because, really--do you deserve this kind of bullsh!t behavior? No, you do not! he's playing at life and he's toying with your emotions. He's executing unhealthy, manipulative behavior. You get to decide what you will--and won't tolerate.

What are the chances that you guys patch things up, and then he pulls another such stunt 3 years down the road? He's done it before, he'll probably do it again.

There is a possibility that this has to do with his depression--he's clearly depressed and struggling with some emotional issues--but that's no excuse. Don't make excuses for him, and don't accept excuses for bad behavior. And if he has serious emotional issues, that's something that he (and by extension, you) may be dealing with for his entire life.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Kaydea said:


> Someone mentioned it above. They pointed it after reading my posts. They said it seems like he keeps me unsure to tolerate his behavior.* As in I'm almost always on my toes and walking on eggshells with him.*


You mentioned earlier that your husband thinks he is not in love with you anymore, and at the same time your self confidence seems to have become severely comprised based on my take from what you write. 

Two of the biggest fears in a marriage (some people never overcome) is a fear that they do not love their spouse anymore or that their spouse does not love them anymore. 

Meanwhile as time progresses, love has seasons that gradually shift, change and love sometimes becomes difficult to recognize. If you have been together for six years and have a child the season of love will have definitely progressed since the first few years of when you met. 

So if your husband is still expecting love to be fun, exciting, adventurous, and bring him happiness, he is correct that he will not feel this anymore. The season your in is more about camaraderie, overcoming challenges, comforting one another, and sharing your own happiness from within as opposed to expecting the other to make you happy. If you feel yourself holding back on him, don't because this could be what is starving the relationship from bonding and healing wounds that life inevitably delivers.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you, and yes, his timing sucks. He should have said something before the wedding. He should have let you go 3 years ago, or you should have stood up for yourself three years ago, but no changing either of those things now. All you can do is change the NOW, and take charge of the situation and stand up for yourself.
> 
> I agree with Turnera. You need to make him fear losing you. He's the one who said he doesn't want to be married, so give him what he wants. Do the 180. It's for spouses who have been cheated on, but it works for people in your situation, too.
> 
> ...


Everything has been so up and down. He had been being an asshat one minute and the next minute he's asking me if I want to go away somewhere for a holiday. Last night we got into a fight because my DS was screaming and overtired/grumpy for 3 hours. Hubby got angry at DS and was not helping me calm him down. Totally not okay. So I told him to leave. He Unfriended me off Facebook within the hour. Quite hilarious. So childish and petty. I didn't feel any sadness or remorse when I told him to leave as his negativity and behavior was stressing me out and just making everything much worse. 

I've just read about the 180! It looks and sounds like a great plan. If only I can remember all the points when I go about my day to day so I do t accidentally do something I shouldn't... 

I am absolutely not making any excuses for his behavior. I think his behavior is appalling and unacceptable. That's why when he was horrible last night while my son was screaming for 3 hours I told him to leave. I would not tolerate it. He said he is never coming back. We will see.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Kaydea said:
> 
> 
> > Someone mentioned it above. They pointed it after reading my posts. They said it seems like he keeps me unsure to tolerate his behavior.* As in I'm almost always on my toes and walking on eggshells with him.*
> ...


That is so insightful and wise. Thank you. I completely agree that we all go through seasons individually and apart. I think he does feel the way you described above ^^^ I don't even feel like I can properly discuss this with him anymore due to our emotional distance. What do you mean feeling myself holding back on him? As in I'm holding him back from living his life? Ifeelthat last sentence of yours is rather significant. Would you care to elaborate please? Thank you


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to be seen by a Psychiatrist. He sounds as if he is in a severe depression.

Note I do not say a psychologist or a counsellor but a Psychiatrist who is legally able to prescribe drugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I agree with MattMatt, and the more I read, the more I wonder if he is bi polar. On the one hand, since my h is, I may have a tendency to see it everywhere, but your h sounds like something I used to use to describe mine. I called it "prairie-dogging." He would stick his head up and be great and fine and wonderful, and then he would burrow in his depression for two-three times longer than the good days. You also mentioned that you operate on feelings, and my h did/does. It sounds like your h does too. It sounds as if he is running hot and cold depending on how he feels. Catherine602 may be right that he wants the comforts and benefit of marriage, a child-minder, someone to shop and cook, etc., but there may also be a challenge from the fact that he goes with how he feels. Badsanta's post is a really good one, in that mature love sticks around regardless of feelings. And I think Turnera has given you great advice about how to handle it all.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> _Make him fear losing you_.


Turnera. How could you be SO WRONG in all of those WAW threads, then hit it out of the park with this?

Print that original post. Put it on the fridge where he'll see it. Along with a note about how you made a HUGE mistake marrying him now that you know he feels this way. You'll be at (pick location) until the divorce is final. CRUSH HIS WORLD. That will:

A - wake him up. You MAY be able to save this marriage.
B - Or not. That tells you to keep walking.

Either way, the days of talking are over. Time to DO. Nothing else will work. And even DO time is running out.

Go ahead. Talk. Go to counselors, put in your 15 hours a week. That will all mean SQUAT. He thinks he has the upper hand. And he WILL, as long as you do nothing but talk.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey Kaydea, sorry for the things you are going thru. Your Husband should have been 100% sure before he said I do. I have been married for 27 yrs now. My wife started checking out went my DD was born 19 yrs ago. Not cheating but 100% mom. My wife didn't understand that I still needed some of her time. Your husband did not understand what is needed in a marriage and is completely overwhelmed by it and the stress from work it sounds like. He is needing some counseling but also needs to be the one to realize it. Until then just prayers. Stay strong little lady. Prays are with you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Kaydea said:


> Everything has been so up and down. He had been being an asshat one minute and the next minute he's asking me if I want to go away somewhere for a holiday. Last night we got into a fight because my DS was screaming and overtired/grumpy for 3 hours. Hubby got angry at DS and was not helping me calm him down. Totally not okay. So I told him to leave. He Unfriended me off Facebook within the hour. Quite hilarious. So childish and petty. I didn't feel any sadness or remorse when I told him to leave as his negativity and behavior was stressing me out and just making everything much worse.
> 
> I've just read about the 180! It looks and sounds like a great plan. If only I can remember all the points when I go about my day to day so I do t accidentally do something I shouldn't...
> 
> I am absolutely not making any excuses for his behavior. I think his behavior is appalling and unacceptable. That's why when he was horrible last night while my son was screaming for 3 hours I told him to leave. I would not tolerate it. He said he is never coming back. We will see.


This may be for the best. If he's not fully participating in the marriage, and not fully participating as a father, then it may be better if he's simply not there, as he's clearly causing more stress for you. Last night, you weren't dealing with one child's temper tantrum; you were dealing with two.


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## Kaydea (Dec 29, 2015)

He may be a bit bipolar? He certainly has crazy ups and downs... And he's extremely talented musically/artistically and has episodes of great highs where he is inspired and so happy. 

Anyway he says that he's scared to make the decision to officially split because our lives are so intertwined. He also says that it kills him that he feels nothing for us?!?! 
How does that work???? I'm just gobsmacked.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Kaydea said:


> He may be a bit bipolar? He certainly has crazy ups and downs... And he's extremely talented musically/artistically and has episodes of great highs where he is inspired and so happy.
> 
> Anyway he says that he's scared to make the decision to officially split because our lives are so intertwined. He also says that it kills him that he feels nothing for us?!?!
> How does that work???? I'm just gobsmacked.


Hey Kaydea, it doesn't work. Maybe a separation to let things cool down and to let him miss the two of you. Again so sorry you are going thru this. Stay strong and believe in yourself....... You are a mom and can do anything...... At least that is what I have always been told.


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