# Help, I was afraid I would be here.



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

I have posted on another board for the last month not wanting to believe that my husband of 23 years (no one wants to file for D) is now having his emotional affair turn into a physical affair. But yesterday I found out it's true. This is the woman who started to come into our marriage 2 and 1/2. Now she is divorced, and he is separated from our family for the last 8 months. I knew they still spoke but now I have confirmation that since Valentines Day it is now physical. He would not admit n everything he just says “they're spending more time with each other”. But I know that's more. He says that he does not want anything more in the relationship than it is now. He says there were no plans to be together or prior thoughts, it just happened. Obviously I don't believe him. What do I do now if I am not ready to file for D? I believe she's been after him for over 2 years and now I know that's true. Of course he is accountable for is part!!! I do not want to hide his secret. Yes, in our state if you leave the marital home he can be with whoever he wants no problem. Do I move on and find someone to keep me company?? I am in IC for a long time and joint MC. I have spent months working on my part of the problems in our marriage. I want to be able to hold my head high that "I rose above it" but I still want him to hurt.....! I have handled all of this last year with a lot of grace and respect but now there is a part of me that wants to get back at him!

I know I just need to move on but it's very hard and I don't know how to act towards him. I want to be strong but not do anymore damage. Help!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Revenge? Living your life better than you have for the past 2.5 years. 

I know the first reaction is to burn him and his girlfriend but unless you want to expose her to her husband (if she is married) the best thing you can do is file for divorce and move on with your life.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

allowingthecakeeating said:


> What do I do now if I am not ready to file for D?


Your choices are:
1. File for divorce.
2. Accept an open marriage.
3. Try to end the affair and get your husband back.

Given that he's moved out for 8 months and has no practical impediments to dating the other woman, ending the affair will be somewhere between difficult to impossible.



> I do not want to hide his secret.


You are under no obligation to hide his secret. You have earned the right to disclose the facts of your marriage, and his betrayal, to whomever you wish.



> Do I move on and find someone to keep me company??


If you want an open marriage, then yes. If you don't, then I suggest you divorce first.



> I have handled all of this last year with a lot of grace and respect but now there is a part of me that wants to get back at him!


That's totally understandable. The thing is, you don't have control over him. You can try to hurt him, but it's impossible to say whether it will work. And, you can diminish yourself in the process.

The best way to legally hurt him is to divorce him and name the other woman in the divorce suit. Find a shark of a divorce lawyer and take him for everything you can. That will certainly hurt.

As far as embarrassing him by making public the facts of his infidelity, who knows if that will work? Some disloyal spouses have no shame. Some will simply lie and say that they were driven into the arms of another by the awful behavior of the loyal spouse. I wouldn't worry all that much about that.

You can tell your kids and your family, and his, about the reasons behind your divorce. But be prepared for his family to side with him over you. It rarely works out that the disloyal spouse will be shunned in public and forced to wear a scarlet A, as nice as that may be for the betrayed spouses out there.



> I know I just need to move on but it's very hard and I don't know how to act towards him. I want to be strong but not do anymore damage. Help!


Run the 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If you want to keep him, or if you want him to go away it doesn't matter. In either case you must file for D, and start doing the 180. If you decide to keep him you can stop the D, but not until he has stopped the A, agreed to no contact and agreed to complete transparency. Anything less you continue the D. Failure to force his hand will guarantee he continues to eat cake.


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## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks for all of your thoughts.


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