# Overcoming sexual anxiety



## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

*Is this helping her overcome sexual anxiety or making it worse?*

I've been posting recently on my wife being uncomfortable with manual stimulation even though we generally otherwise have a very healthy sex life. Although there may be many reasons for her being uncomfortable, she is either unaware of the cause, or is unwilling to acknowledge it and/or share it with me. She has recently agreed to try and relax while I touch in the hope that for both our benefit her anxious feelings may gradually reduce over time.

From lots of research, even without knowing the cause, I can understand her anxiety and am being very patient as we attempt to work through this together. Even though she allows me to caress her sexually, she still is noticeably anxious for some time before she says(or signals) its time to move onto other things that she finds more pleasurable.

I'm wondering whether putting up with the anxiety for a while before we stop is more likely to negatively reinforce her anxiety or will it help to erode the anxiety over time?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If you otherwise have a healthy sex life, why force the issue?

She may have a hangup from past sexual experiences. I have a friend who was coerced into having oral sex with the father of the kids she babysat when she was 16. She does not enjoy receiving oral sex as a result.

Your wife could see a sex therapist if she wanted, but if she's fine with the current repertoire, let it go and enjoy the stuff she likes.

If the tables were turned and there were things you didn't enjoy sexually (butt play, let's say, or nipple play) would you want your wife to keep pushing the issue??


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

I understand what you are saying Laurae and I've been questioning this for some time in my own head, with my wife and also through various posts on this forum. Without coersion, my wife(willingly) has agreed to allow more touching (with her in full control) to see if she is able to relax and enjoy it more for both our benefit. We have both accepted that there may well be no change and are willing to accept that, but in the meantime are both willing to try.

My question was more about whether our approach is beneficial or detrimental to her anxiousness during manual stimulation or if there is a different approach that may be more helpful.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think you just have to monitor her responses and she needs to be honest about how it feels, and if it's not feeling good to her, then just do something else. I think to kind of keep pressing the issue helps to create some of that anxiety.

If she's willing she may find some benefit from looking at something like the following:

Amazon.com: The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit: Shannon Ethridge: Books

Amazon.com: Sexually Shy: The Inhibited Woman's Guide To Good Sex (9780984057467): Bukod Books: Books

Otherwise, from your side patience and just taking baby steps are needed. From her side, honesty and willingness to try.

And you should let her know a lot that she is an awesome wife!! 

Best wishes.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think you just have to monitor her responses and she needs to be honest about how it feels, and if it's not feeling good to her, then just do something else. I think to kind of keep pressing the issue helps to create some of that anxiety.


I constantly am aware of her responses and whenever she shows signs of being uncomfortable, I "mostly" move onto things that I know she is more comfortable with. And by "mostly" I mean that I sometimes push a little further when there are minor signals. But when she is definite about moving onto something else I always give her that respect.

As far as HER being honest how it feels, this is possibly what causes more confusion and frustration for me and makes me feel she is not being totally honest with me or herself. Neither of us are good at talking about sex and she is very uncomfortable when the subject comes up, but in a recent conversation I asked what makes her get wetter. She said the ME rubbing against her REALLY works, meaning her sliding against my penis in missionary(or reverse *without *penetration)

Yesterday we unintentionally happened to be in this position and for a short time she almost let herself go enjoying rubbing herself over my penis and obviously very stimulated from it, but then came the muttered "ok ok" which to me means she is enjoying it too much and lets just have sex so I can finish you off. To me, it feels like she is purposely avoiding her own pleasure and I don't understand why, but I don't press the issue openly with her, but I do dwell on it a lot in my own mind.



Enchantment said:


> Otherwise, from your side patience and just taking baby steps are needed. From her side, honesty and willingness to try.


I am certainly patient and currently taking baby steps but the thing that bothers me most is when she obviously is enjoying herself, she purposely turns it around and makes MY pleasure more important than her own.



Enchantment said:


> And you should let her know a lot that she is an awesome wife!!


I always do because she is, and she says I'm just saying that because I have to!!!


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## laviewpoint (Dec 7, 2011)

I've struggle with sexual anxiety before, it actually lasted 2 horrible years for me and I lost my relationship because of that (Even though she denies it) But if there's something that really helped me was a guide I found from a guy called LA Robins called beating the anxiety of the sex, just go and check it out in his webpage laviewpoint.com


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

*Re: Is this helping her overcome sexual anxiety or making it worse?*

This problem is easier to fix in women than it is with men. You really have to get to the root cause of the anxiety and treat that rather than trying to fix the sexual problems which are simply a symptom. This is especially true if she suffers from anxiety in other areas of her life. She should see a phychologistt or a psychiatrist to deal with the anxiety.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Have you tried positive association? Meaning, doing something she enjoys WHILE doing the thing she does not feel comfortable with?

When I first started experimenting with anal play, it was something I wanted to try, however I was nervous. I had some negative experiences as a child because of a medication I had to take rectally when I was very ill. What helped me was 1- being arroused *before* starting the anal play and 2- while my partner of the time was doing the anal play with one hand, he would use his other hand or mouth to do something I enjoyed (say, for example, nipple play or a earlope stimulation). Over a period of time I came to associate the excitement and pleasure from nipple play (for example) with anal stimulation. Eventually I was able to just have anal play by itself and find it enjoyable. Now, a few years later, anal sex is something I very much enjoy. It just took a bit of patience and mental training to get to this point, but I'm glad that my partner and I made the effort because I now find it very satisifying and fun.


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## laviewpoint (Dec 7, 2011)

It isn't easy to overcome a fear. Listen just go to laviewpoint.com, that will help... i'm sure.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

*Re: Is this helping her overcome sexual anxiety or making it worse?*

Sexual Anxiety is very tough to treat. You should try to find out the root of the problem. There is also intimacy anxiety and both can be caused by childhood traumas of various kinds. It could be that she needs some psychotherapy. Sexual anxiety and anxiety in general is one of the major causes of sexless marriages.


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