# Military wives, please answer...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you have cheated on your husband while he was on deployment I would just like to understand what causes it? Is it the long distance?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Not a military wife, or even a woman for that matter. However, I served in the military and I've seen A LOT of marriages end because of infidelity. My guess is, is that a lot of military couples marry very young and the girl is happy on her wedding day because she got a strong, fit man in uniform, She gets it in her head that you'll travel the world together, travel the country together and it's one big fairytale lifestyle in their head. But here's the truth.

These young girls don't really know what sacificies are involved. Yeah, they've mentally prepared themselves for the long deployments, but they don't even realize that there are work-ups to the deployment their men are about to go on. Couple of weeks here, a month there...and that's before they leave. Then, they start meeting other men that are around when husband is not...one thing leads to another and the dude is on a deployment and get his "Dear John" letter. Seen it a hundred times...pretty sad.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

OR, I've seen in many cases as I was once a military wife myself...they do marry young so that they can have the benefits of free medical, dental, possible schooling, free housing etc...They want the creature comforts like in mom and dad's house and the freedom to act stupid. This ALMOST happened to my little brother but he kicked her to the curb when he found out she was cheating while he was in Iraq. The second he was deployed she ran back to her ex husband and messed around until the day my brother came home 2 years later. Good thing he never married her!


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

Me and my H both are in military, I did not cheat when he was in deployment, but I did it when I am deployed. So may be distance is not only the main reason, for me it started as fun & pass bored times,then it turns to EA when I was feeling better to pass time with the OM, before it turns to PA I stop it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I just find it so horrid really, it's like the movie Jarhead, then now to hear real life stories on TAM about it... the man is risking his life overseas, trying to stay alive so he can get home safely to his family... while his wife is getting banged by someone else heh

@Seductive
Just curious actually, while you were on deployment did your husband enter the equation? If it's not just distance was it the boredom etc?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, I don't think anyone was taping themselves having sex and sending it to their military spouse oversea's.

That scene in Jarhead is a military legend. Every branch of service claims that, that happened to someone in their unit or buddies unit or on the ship next to theirs....blah..blah...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lol.

this goes both ways.

the military in general on all sides from all angles is a giant cheatfest. We all know the 'general population' stats are mind boggling when it comes to how many people out there cheat and actually admit to it... 

A new study released about a month ago says statistics involving infidelity amongst military members are TWICE as high as those amongst civilians. AND that's the ones that admit it! Keeping in mind infidelity in the military is a punishable offense addressed in the military code of conduct, I would suggest that they are also much less likely to admit it happened. 

Source: US News and World Report, "Service Members Twice as Likely to Have Affairs: Study," Randy Dotinga, Aug. 26, 2011


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, I don't think anyone was taping themselves having sex and sending it to their military spouse oversea's.


I must have heard that a thousand times. In Desert Storm, there was supposedly a propaganda radio personality called Baghdad Betty. I never actually heard her, so I don't know if that is an urban legend. Anyway, the way I heard it is that she was telling all of us servicemen that our wives and girlfriends were home screwing Burt Reynolds, Bart Simpson, and someone else (It seems like there were 3 people, but I don't remember the third one.) 

Unfortunately, it does happen a lot. Pit, not all of us Jarheads are Pieces of ****. I'd like to get my hands on the one that tarnished our good name in your world by pursuing your wife. I do agree with the stat you posted, though. Cheating is rampant in the military.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol.
> 
> this goes both ways.
> 
> the military in general on all sides from all angles is a giant cheatfest. We all know the 'general population' stats are mind boggling when it comes to how many people out there cheat and actually admit to it...


I think it's mostly a generational thing. The military is full of people under 30, "Generation Y" as they are often called. For whatever reasons, women who grew up in the past few decades tend be far more prone to cheating.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I have been a military wife ( and prior service myself) for 9 years. I have never cheated. Most of the time, from what I can tell from the outside, most of the women WHO I KNOW ( covering myself so I can't be accused of generalizing LMAO) cheated because they didn't DO anything. A good number of spouses I know who cheated honestly did so instead of doing anything productive. They would sit there at home, some with kids some not, and do nothing all day but wallow around in their misery. So the first "man" who came along and paid them any attention, they end up in places they should have never been.

What I do find interesting is the obvious double standard. My H cheated on me while he was away at a school. he had been suffering from PTSD for two years and refused to get treated. Ran off to a school and had an affair. Never mind the fact he treated me like crap for those two years and basically ignored me unless he was screaming at me. HE must have needed help, it wasn't his fault. Had I done that, I would be burned at the stake. But since he is the Soldier, apparently its okay. People can try to convince me that there isn't that double standard, but I see it every deployment. Which we are currently in one, so I see it right now pretty much LMAO.


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## skmix (Jun 13, 2011)

Military wife here. Though I never cheated on my husband, I just thought I'd add my 2cents.

I agree with DawnD from experience with the women I know that's exactly the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

For all of those that are in the Navy or Marines I got two words for you and you'll know what I'm talking about:

Westpac Widows

nuff said.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for the replies, it's been very enlightening. It's really a horror story and I really want to understand the reasons behind. I simply don't know how it can be justified really, it'll really deplete morale.

Speaking of which:



> Propaganda radio personality called Baghdad Betty... she was telling all of us servicemen that our wives and girlfriends were home screwing Burt Reynolds, Bart Simpson, and someone else


?!
=/


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

crossbar said:


> For all of those that are in the Navy or Marines I got two words for you and you'll know what I'm talking about:
> 
> Westpac Widows
> 
> nuff said.


Yep.
Back when I was over there, we had "Midway Widows", too.


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

I am a military husband, and I thought this might be helpful. 

One day while I was out getting gas for my truck, the cashier began flirting with me when I asked for my receipt. I asked her for her name and she said"RED" More of nick name really, I finally found out her true identity, who she married to and how long. Her husband got deployed 2 months ago. I went back to the filling station where she worked , I was in complete disbelief she would carry out any of her flirtatious gestures. 

I began to fake flirt with her, gave her cell phone number, I even told my wife I was going to do this before I did it. 

She actually called me? invited for me to come over, so I did, with one of her husbands closest friends! Boy did she get pissed! There was yelling , screaming, throwing things at me, kicking my truck, but it all ended with her crying, breaking down, saying its the 2nd damn deployment! and she had very little time with him. 

We connected her to a military women's group, she is better now, her husband is now stationed locally, and they both appear to be very happy together. 

The one thing I got out of her reasons for doing what she did, was that loneliness and the need for being touched! It also didn't help, that her husband kept running around with his buddies when he got back instead of paying more attention to his wife. 

Oh yeah, my wife made me change my phone number after this ordeal, even though I told her I am not into red heads. Really I'm not?? Loneliness and boredom can make people do foolish things.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I am a military wife....married almost 15- he is in the service 12 1/2. I have not cheated, but I have heard about wives that do. There are those of us that are dedicated to our marriage, have full time jobs, take care of the kids and hold down the fort! I do not like to be without my spouse, but I don't fall apart when he is gone. I get on with life and make sure everything is taken care of.
Here is my story though....every time he would leave (TDY, school, deployment) he would accuse me of something because he was so "scared I would leave him since he married out of his league." WTF??? Ok, w/e. So this deployment he gets a message from a buddy saying there is still the promise to "get him to third base." I see the message, get mad, ask him about it....then he gets mad that I saw it and accused him of something. OMG, really. He is mad at me for seeing HIS message as he puts it. Never explains anything and COME ON I know you are not over there taking up baseball!!!! DUH.
So he gets mad and then he starts an EA with someone who was recently D and "had gone through the same thing." WHATEVER. He says she was nice to him, he was nice to her, blah blah blah. Dumb if you ask me. He is an officer and so is she, I have enough to turn them both in and they are lucky I haven't. I don't know if it went to PA, but hearing enough stories- it probably did. Although he won't even admit anything anyway.
So my question is why do soldiers cover for each other downrange? They all know what is going on and nobody says anything? I got an email from someone back in the states that heard from a soldier in my H unit that he was up to no good! And that everyone in his office knew what was happening and when she heard she knew she had to say something to me. (at this point he had already asked for a D, but I had NO clue why!!)


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

newlife94;424648
So my question is why do soldiers cover for each other downrange? They all know what is going on and nobody says anything? I got an email from someone back in the states that heard from a soldier in my H unit that he was up to no good! And that everyone in his office knew what was happening and when she heard she knew she had to say something to me. (at this point he had already asked for a D said:


> I can probably ball park it on this for you. They go downrange. They all start talking about their lives, partners, kids,etc, etc. So when your H starts doing something he shouldn't be, he is justifying it to EVERYONE who knows he is doing something wrong. So basically, you are being thrown under the bus. All his "buddies" are down there saying, oh she was such a b**** and he hated living with her, etc, etc. That is probably what he is telling them.
> 
> If I ever get a minute I will have to PM you and tell you all the wonderful ( sarcasm) things my H said about me during his affair to all his so called "friends".


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol.
> 
> this goes both ways.
> 
> ...


From my experience the "cheatfest" is correct. I was married to a military man back in 1995 (before Iraq, before Afghanistan, before any real war was going on and it was pretty calm for regular Army at that time) but I can't really tell you why it's a "cheatfest", other than there are a lot of young people on and near military posts as well as a lot of drinking and partying. I can remember when my ex-H (military) was away for a few weeks on training missions, other units left behind that week would be out in droves at the clubs "taking care of" their buddies wives, keeping a look out, or stopping by to see if the left behind wife needed "anything"... I'm sure that's all they were doing


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Hey, Ive been a military spouse for 5 yrs now..we have 2 kids together. He's been in Japan for 10 months..helped out with the earthquake relief and all. It never once crossed my mind to cheat on him..but when I found out last week he "shared a drunken kiss" with someone, It made me realize why a lot of women do mess around on their husbands. They know the odds are against them, and there husband probably will cheat on them with someone..so why should they miss out on a good time if their husband sure as s*** isnt. When he told me that the first thing that popped in my head was, wow, u prick, Im home raising our 2 kids and your out getting drunk, making poor judgment decisions. I dunno, I hope this gave you a different outlook on why why some women cheat..im not saying revenge is proper motive..but hey, some people are just that immature.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol.
> 
> this goes both ways.
> 
> ...




Article says study from 1992, is this correct? Supposedly, infidelity rates have tripled in the general population since 1997 (internet?) God knows what the real rates are. Just mind boggling.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Military wife and did not cheat.
My H left me with loads of issues including having been deceitful about his relationship with a former girlfriend, and a heap of his 'friends' who 'promised to look out for me' while he was away and then turned out to be malicious backstabbers, one of whom spread rumors while he was away that I was cheating on him and then told him to his face when he returned that I had been seen at a park with a guy several times while he was away, etc. I had moved out by the time he got back, because of his behavior towards me while he was home on leave...but he changed and we are together and it seems that he has broken it off with these 'friends' and stopped treating me as someone who would cheat on him, was only after his money/house, etc. It kind of stunk for me because I have always prided myself on being completely honest and faithful in relationships and in work and other commitments such as community, volunteer work, and so forth. So to be labeled as a cheater and treated like one and second class above people I knew were lying and someone from his past who lied to me about what was going on between them, etc. was quite a blow. I had to stick to my truth and I did and things have worked out okay. I will wait for Karma to catch up with the nutcases who think that they have a thing going on with my husband when they never have, or who see him as their backup for when their marriages/relationships fail.

As for cheating, I don't know. I think alcohol, boredom, lack of direction, personal issues that are not related to the military, and just the sort of mindset that causes people to want a military lifestyle (willing to give up a lot of personal control of their lives to outside influences and decision-makers) has a lot to do with it. I don't think that the military CAUSES people to be unfaithful, I think that people who are prone to absolving themselves from 100% decision making about their lives are prone to end up in the military. I have been in the military and I know that was the case for me in the past. When it stopped being that way I came home and put down roots, more or less, and accepted 100% responsibility for my life rather than having to make choices within a framework that almost always offers an excuse for doing something other than what would be ideal behavior. There is a lot of time-killing that has to go on when you are active duty or on a drill. There is a lot of time-killing for the spouses too.

Even though I found out for sure that my marriage was more or less trashed while my husband was deployed, I still stuck to my guns and kept my head screwed on straight. I got counseling relevant to my situation, I took care of stuff I needed to take care of, I took dance classes and volunteered to constructively fill my time, I went to movies at the place where I volunteered, I pared down my friendships to people who would support me and not encourage me to do stupid things out of a reaction vs. desire, in short, I took care of myself. Cheating is never in someone's best interest. To do so shows a lack of caring about oneself. Even if a marriage is bad, to throw a monkey wrench into it does not solve anything. 

I have always believed that the military gives people a lot of resources they can use to take care of themselves, but it does not actually take care of people. 

Personally, I think that when people cheat, they are self-destructive. They are not 100% on board with taking care of themselves, and are using sex as a trading card to lure someone into their lives who they hope will take care of them or at least give them an escape from their reality. It really shows a lack of consideration for the other person involved. But mostly it demonstrates that people cannot constructively deal with the path they have chosen in life and have no inner core of strength. You can be lonely when a spouse is deployed, but I bet it is lonely too if a spouse has a vehicle accident and ends up in the hospital and can't remember who you are for 6 months. 

Probably people who cheat have loose grips on reality. That is the problem. They think that what they are doing does not translate to their 'real life'. The issue is, while they are off doing what they are doing, nobody is present in this 'real life' of theirs. It's not like a marriage just happens by itself. It requires presence. A lot of people don't think of military as 'real life', and tend to discount situations as less than real because it is considered by them to be an 'exceptional situation'. I bet these are the same people who have an excuse for everything they are supposed to be responsible for in their life, and choose not to be. Because the bad decision can be in some way justified, in their opinion, when questioned about it. For instance, when called to the table to answer the question of why he lied to me about his relationship with his former girlfriend, my husband said he thought I was cheating on him. So in his mind, this justified his behavior. Of course, there is another choice, and that would have been to talk to me about his feelings or to offer up some of the information that he got from this so-called 'friend' who was dishing it up from her imagination, or he could have put in software in my computer or secretly followed me throughout my day. But he did not do any of this. He just used it as a justification for doing something he knew was wrong. He finally admitted that he did not hide it from me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but that because he knew it was wrong. Trust me, even though I did not cheat, I have had a good look inside the head of a cheater (emotionally and fidelity wise even though maybe not sexually), and it is a very confused place. I am glad he is not that way now but it was bad enough to make me leave him. He chose to follow me and I choose to accept his choice so long as I am treated according to how I behave and not how he hears that I behave from sources that are known to be dishonest. I would imagine he feels somewhat sheepish but really he has changed. 

I do wonder how many spouses who cheat have been treated by their deployed spouse or the community of spouses who are not deployed, as though it were a given that they would cheat? Because before my husband deployed, because of where he was at that point in his life, he told me that while he was away, I would go through all of his money, get fat and cheat on him. Of course I did not do any of this and barely managed to learn how to flirt (safely, on the dance floor) and to shop for things I liked (new bras, some nice clothes at modest prices)...as for getting fat that did not happen either. But really, when a person gets treated like that I can see why it would be tempting to say gee, I'm going to find someone who treats me better and doesn't leave me for a whole year, if that's the way he's going to act. 

I think the propensity to cheat is not only an individual thing, it is a factor of the marriage. If the marriage of the two people is not solid and does not have a mechanism to prevent cheating...then it contributes to cheating by one spouse or the other. I probably did have the opportunity to cheat but at every opportunity where someone was opening up the door socially to me, I walked through it politely and closed it behind me. I am able to take my husband with me wherever I go socially, without any problems. I am proud of my drama free life, or at least a life where I did not personally contribute to or cause any of the drama.


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