# Are you still Romantically "In Love" with your Spouse?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

If so, how important is that feeling of romantic connection to the health and quality of your relationship?

If not, is that an element that you are misssing? Do you consider it important to the long term health of your relationship at all?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, I am. I feel for us its very important. I love to desire my husband and it keeps the passion alive.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

I think that after the "clouds and marshmallows" IIIINNNNN LLLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE feeling diminishes, which is normal, then you have to work a little harder to stay in love. There are days, after 18 years, that I am not even in like with my husband, let alone in love with him. But every day I CHOOSE to love him and act in a loving manner towards him. 

I had a friend tell me in my 20s that after a lot of clouds and marshmallow pitter patter kind of relationships, she was really glad the married a meat and potatoes kind of guy that just kept her grounded and stable. She loves him with all her heart, but it wasn't a scary, nervous, anxious, exciting kind of relationship. 

I am not explaining this very well because it is something I understand better with my heart than with my head.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Unequivocally yes.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes! It is very important to keep this love lit. There was a time when it was lost but now we know how to keep the love fires stoked. There is a lot of truth to the answer some one gave to the question as to why their marriage lasted so long. The fellows answer was we never fell out of love at the same time.


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## dasmojito (Sep 15, 2012)

After 7 years of marriage and a 2 year old, there is no romance left in my marriage. My husband is a good dad and I feel like I am trying to make the marriage or perhaps staying in the marriage for the sake of my child. there is almost no communication between me and my husband other than related to our son. We have had some really bad fights and I am not able to get over the hurtful things he said to me. Perhaps it is important to stay put in the bad days and work on loving each other to get the romance back into life. Yes I am definitely missing that romantic connection, feel very lonely right now and do strongly feel that romantic connection is critical for a good long term relationship.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Yes I am, and yes it's important. Without passion and joy, what's the point?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I am too. It's what makes life fun. I'm more in love with him now than when I married him 21 years ago.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Drover said:


> Yes I am, and yes it's important. *Without passion and joy, what's the point?*


My sentiments exactly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yup


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## lostgirl10 (Sep 16, 2012)

NO!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

There are days when it isn't the "in love" kind of love, but mostly...yes, I would have to say it IS a romantic "in love" kind.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Yep
I'm still in love.

How do I know?

Some things you just know!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

No, I am not, in the sexual sense of the term "romantic" regarding my spouse. But I have learned that I can love my husband, warts and all, in a way that respects his right to do as he chooses.

He chooses to get drunk? Okay. I respect his right to do so; no resentment, no disappointment. I will grieve the beautiful, gentle, sensitive man who is underneath the disease. But I allow him the right to live his life as he chooses. We are still married. I have no desire to hold him accountable for his alcoholism. He owns it; not me.

I place one helluva lot more on respecting an individual's right to do as they so desire, whether I like it or not, than sex.

And, p.s., yes, we DID have very, very hot sex that almost incinerated the mattress, our dining room table, our kitchen counter, our tent, our R.V. .... etc.

P.S. - My husband is still a gentle man. He has helped me out without my asking, many times. I hate the disease but not the man.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Yes, I've fallen "head over heels" for him so many times over the years. For a while I thought the "Love you, not in love with you BS" but since being on TAM, I now know that I was unhappy with some things in our marriage and I was contributing to them just as much as he.

Now that I've pulled my head out of my arse, absolutely in love with him even more so after 20 years.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sometimes very much so yes... Sometimes a little no.

Depends if he's ignoring me at the momment


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Sometimes very much so yes... Sometimes a little no.
> 
> Depends if he's ignoring me at the momment


Does him ignoring you make you in or out of love?


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## CraigW (Jul 7, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> No, I am not, in the sexual sense of the term "romantic" regarding my spouse. But I have learned that I can love my husband, warts and all, in a way that respects his right to do as he chooses.
> 
> He chooses to get drunk? Okay. I respect his right to do so; no resentment, no disappointment. I will grieve the beautiful, gentle, sensitive man who is underneath the disease. But I allow him the right to live his life as he chooses. We are still married. I have no desire to hold him accountable for his alcoholism. He owns it; not me.
> 
> ...


Wow..That is powerful. Very powerful. Thank you for sharing that. As a husband who likes to party and has many friends who like to drink, I must take note.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's more then love now, I can't see myself without her
Extremely vulnerable with her now compared to the old days...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Depends if he's ignoring me at the momment


Being ignored can definitely put a damper on romance ... being in love ... romantically, or otherwise. People let us down a lot. Our family. Our friends. Our kids. Our spouse. 

It's the nature of being human.

The cold-shoulder attitude so many spouses report to get on here? Definitely a killer.

But ignoring you? I dunno ... how much of the loss of "romantic love" is due to his actions and how much is due to your own expectations? 

Something to consider ...


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

oh yeah... for sure. 

as far as romantic gestures are concerned? we could do a little better i guess, but the feelings are very much still there.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jaquen said:


> If so, how important is that feeling of romantic connection to the health and quality of your relationship?
> 
> If not, is that an element that you are misssing? Do you consider it important to the long term health of your relationship at all?


I have learned that I can continue to fall back romantically in love with her. In is a lot easier when it is reciprocal of course. One can feed the other.

But my point is that many people assume that once this wears off that it is gone. It does not have to be gone. It is natural for their to be rythms with this due to the trials and tribulations of life and the marriage.

This sounds bad .... but it takes work. It takes work to get back on track and then it is no work at all.

For me this is an essential dance.

A few years ago I decided I had the follwoing priorites in order for my marriage :

1) To be my wifes exclusive lover and she mine

2) To be my wifes best male friend.

3) To be my wifes husband.

My point is that #1 takes precedence for me. Pragmatically this just means for me not to neglect #1 and never to be satisfied with the other two alone.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

To Drover & Prodigal...

I'm meaning when he's ignoring me at the moment..
I guess i'm meaning when he puts his friends needs before mine. When he's doing all these activities for his friends... and has no time or money or energy left for little old me. Definetly makes me think he isn't attracted romantically to me anymore.

When he's in his "help friends mode".. I even get ignored in bed. I'll put my arm around him, or rub his ear.. etc, a bunch of loving petting things that he "knows" I'm in the mood.. and well, He'll roll over & give me his back. Kind of frustrating.

But, I know, if he was tired & frustrated & sleeping, he's not really in the mood at that point. I guess i'm just jealous that he's got the time & energy for friends, but not for me.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> When he's in his "help friends mode".. I even get ignored in bed. I'll put my arm around him, or rub his ear.. etc, a bunch of loving petting things that he "knows" I'm in the mood.. and well, He'll roll over & give me his back. Kind of frustrating.


I suggest rubbing something besides his ear.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I try that too & get no response.
Sometimes I just want to cry about it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Yes, I still have romantic love for him. Without that love and passion, he would feel like a roommate or a good friend who was sharing the house with me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> If so, how important is that feeling of romantic connection to the health and quality of your relationship?
> 
> If not, is that an element that you are misssing? Do you consider it important to the long term health of your relationship at all?


Yes, I am still in romantic love with my wife.

It's not always easy, but yes, I am.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> I try that too & get no response.
> Sometimes I just want to cry about it.


Could he have ED issues he's ashamed of and trying to hide?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes romantic love is vital for me.

He is the only one person in the whole world I have this _special_ romantic, sexual, intimate relationship with.

I can have friendships, workout partners, dance partners, business partners etc... with lots and lots of people but my marriage is different it's special and sacred... it's _just_ for us!

Sex/affection is a big part of our marriage...the romance is simply the icing on the cake. No other man leaves a flower on my pillow or love notes (or possibly a dirty limerick depending on his mood) in funny places for me to find and make me smile and think about him all day.

*I* believe because we have worked at keeping the love and romance alive it got us through a terrible time (financial infidelity) last year in our marriage.
We had put a lot of deposits in our love banks over the years and there was enough love left in my bank once the dust had settle to move forward together and rebuild (still working on that).

When I was angry with him and we were disconnected it was those tender romantic times I missed most....


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## mansi (Sep 17, 2012)

STILL yes


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> No, I am not, in the sexual sense of the term "romantic" regarding my spouse. But I have learned that I can love my husband, warts and all, in a way that respects his right to do as he chooses.
> 
> He chooses to get drunk? Okay. I respect his right to do so; no resentment, no disappointment. I will grieve the beautiful, gentle, sensitive man who is underneath the disease. But I allow him the right to live his life as he chooses. We are still married. I have no desire to hold him accountable for his alcoholism. He owns it; not me.
> 
> ...


For your sake, I wish you would stop playing the cool respectful martyr. He is selfish and has no concern for how his alcoholism is so unfair to you, and you are just so cool, respectful, oh, the long suffering martyr.

Put on your self-respect panties, and get some self esteam, for God's sake. You are not doing him any favors, nor yourself. I'd suggest you go to AA for dependents of Alcoholics for help. Seriously.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

CraigW said:


> Wow..That is powerful. Very powerful. Thank you for sharing that. As a husband who likes to party and has many friends who like to drink, I must take note.


No, actually this is NOT a good thing...you got it all wrong :-(.

She has a life too, of value, and deserves to be with a sober man that lacks the selfishness that alcoholics often have. Perhaps the only men that can aprpeciate such a woman are fellow alcoholics.

It is sad that she is so "supportive" of his "rights".


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> If so, how important is that feeling of romantic connection to the health and quality of your relationship?
> 
> More than ever. It's the glue that holds it all together for us.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

AnchorWatch, Romance is a really bad glue to hold a relationship together. Not saying it is not important...it is very important, but glue? No way.

A much more important glue is RESPECT, and LOVE is almost as important as respect.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> AnchorWatch, Romance is a really bad glue to hold a relationship together. Not saying it is not important...it is very important, but glue? No way.
> 
> A much more important glue is RESPECT, and LOVE is almost as important as respect.


With respect to you, after 40 years together, romance is the way we keep our love alive.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> AnchorWatch, Romance is a really bad glue to hold a relationship together. Not saying it is not important...it is very important, but glue? No way.
> 
> A much more important glue is RESPECT, and LOVE is almost as important as respect.


I would never say love is "almost as important as" respect. Love, if it's being expressed in it's purest form, includes respect.

And don't underestimate romance either. That plays a _vital_ part in my relationship. Neither of us would want to be in this marriage without it. Without it all the "respect" and "love" in the world wouldn't make this marriage worthwhile because we respect and loved each other fully for the six years we were best friends before our feelings changed.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

jaquen said:


> If so, how important is that feeling of romantic connection to the health and quality of your relationship?
> 
> If not, is that an element that you are misssing? Do you consider it important to the long term health of your relationship at all?


I am more "romantically in love" with my wife today than ever before in all the years we've been together. More now than even in high school which are the strongest feelings I can remember. My love is the single most important thing in our relationship, the single reason we still have a relationship and I protect it at all costs. It took me a while to figure this out. At the same time she has also gotten significantly better looking


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

When I was younger I sniffed at concepts like 'love' and 'romance' and branded them as merely the patriarchy's gradual and insidious eroding of a woman's will for the purpose of turning a 'no' into a 'yes'.

But now they're absolutely the foundation of our entire existence together. We respect each other, and we obviously love each other, but the passion and romance are what keeps us grinning at each other and physically all over each other.

Respect and love are key ingredients, but those two alone could refer to brother and sister or best friends. Romance is what differentiates a marriage and sets it above every other kind of relationship.

IMO.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

This is something that I struggle with these days. I hope it comes back to me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

rosebanks123 said:


> *Being in love forever is impossible. *Partners may be still together with their spouse but it doesn't mean that they're still in love it's the friendship and companion that works here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My mother was in love with my father until the day he died. She was like a woman missing a limb until she finally passed herself 5 years later.

I've been deeply in love with the same woman since I was a teenager. I'm in my early 30's now.

When does "forever" end?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yep... still romantically in love with my SO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Unless I find another woman who can match me so well I doubt I'll ever believe that being in love forever is impossible. No, it's too late for that, and it's too late for other potentials as my wife and I have been through enough together as best friends/lovers/husband and wife.

EDIT: And as arch-enemies to each other >.>
<.<


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

We are rediscovering that romantic love for each other. I guess it had slipped a little into complacency, but over the last few weeks we have recommitted to our relationship & discovering each other.
I can say, after 24 years of marriage, it can be like new love again.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

after 12 years I am still very much in love with my wife and I am super PW'd.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Are you still Romantically "In Love" with your Spouse ?*


A little overload, but I wouldn't change it...

Me & my husband are both the sentimental sappy type...(It's that Melancholy in us, I guess)...I know this helps us in this thing we call *Romance*... We are utterly vulnerable in how we feel - sharing with each other. 

We are not so much into giving flowers, notes , rose pedals on the bed or candle light dinners...it is more the high emotion of the







....every love song...it ushers us in the moment, we R the words...so thankful for what we have....the gift of years, the memories, what we've built together hand in hand..... A Could Not Ask For More  feeling -just living daily. 

It's the Looks he gives, how he reaches for my hand....how we laugh/banter/flirt/tease with each other, his always reaching to kiss/ hold/ caress....and I him. Fullfills me to the heavens. But we're both *Physical Touch *& Love to spend the *Time* together type...so this flows naturally for us. 

I still get giddy just getting off alone with him, it is always a treat. He is my Lover, my comforter, my Best Friend, my husband, my world. He is also the only person I can stand to be around 24/7 and not want to push him out the door, or maybe over a cliff....I truly enjoy his presence. He once said to me.... if he had a Cave, he'd want me in it.  Moments like that.... you just don't forget them. I said to him the other night, on our Anniversary ...all bubbled up in a bath...our heads together..."we fit so perfectly", and he says "just like a glove made for me"

Alot of how Romantics feel is tied to our hormones even....Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Testosterone -these things keep us CRAVING each other like a insatiable hunger. Sure it ebbs & flows but we can revive this too....... dance together/ hold each other close, listen to a love song, open a photo album, turn up the radio & sing your heart out when sitting close in the car -like you did when teens, go parking...plan a romantic vacation.... 


Still Madly in Love? Brain Scans Can Explain .... Romance -- Dissected



> *jaquen said *: My mother was in love with my father until the day he died. She was like a woman missing a limb until she finally passed herself 5 years later.
> 
> I've been deeply in love with the same woman since I was a teenager. I'm in my early 30's now.
> 
> When does "forever" end?


 The worst part of feeling so attached like this IS -if/when something happens to the other...It will be feel like a death of ourselves, like a Siamese twin taken from our body....truly harder on the hopeless lovesick romantic to get through. But then I think... to have loved this strongly and have lost....Is still better than to "hold on loosely" during our lifetime... so that is how I see it anyway.

Me & my husband went to a Flea Market weeks ago....came across this plaque... just reading these words, I lost it...a tear, then another, had to look away... my husband knows me so well.. he loves this side, wouldn't change me.. .... but still he said with a  ..."get a grip woman" and he bought it -for us, hangs on our bedroom wall. We can be so mushy!!


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Absolutely, yes  Even when we have had our rocky patches, I have always felt 'in love' with her(even if I didn't like her so much at the time!) and found her extremely desirable. We celebrated our 10-year anniversary back in June. Although we are naturally very compatible, we have still had to work hard and overcome struggles at times and I'm sure there'll be times in the future where we will have to do so again. But we are both 100% committed to each other and our family(we have a son)


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

rosebanks123 said:


> Being in love forever is impossible. Partners may be still together with their spouse but it doesn't mean that they're still in love it's the friendship and companion that works here.


I humbly disagree and I think this is a very self-limiting statement. I will grant that it takes considerable strength and courage to love someone who doesn't love you back.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Yes.

After 35 years, there have of course been some bumps on the road but they pale into insignificance in the light of what we have now.

It just gets better and better.

What a beautiful thread


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've been voted the "Most Romantic" on TAM in the past -a couple threads in social.... ha ha... adore the subject.... I did 2 threads on Romance... thought I'd throw them in here .... the 1st one is evaluating where your marragie IS -if husband & wife is lopsided in this - in Attitude / Beliefs / Expression - I attempted to make a 5 point scale in comparing......

The 2nd thread has a couple Romance Tests I found online -just for fun.
















.... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html....


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, we are. I think it is our personalities--we both are very passionate and sentimental. Our emotional needs are the same, so we didn't have to struggle to understand how the other person felt loved and appreciated.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

The expression most of you all have regarding love, and your marriages...I'm beyond moved. These declarations are exactly what people on TAM, and beyond, need to hear. The wonderful side of matrimony.

Thank you so much for sharing.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Oh the test that SA posted in her older thread is definitely worth taking a peak at.

HTML Redirection

I scored an 88/100. What did you guys score?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jaquen said:


> I scored an 88/100. What did you guys score?


You are 1 point higher than me Jaquen .... My husband was an 80... but I know why this is.... Neither of us do poems or gifts ....so that right there lowered our scores... but the expression ~ the togetherness... terribly US - we'd be tipping the Richter scale on those.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Hee Hee, I got an 86! I'm quite surprised because I don't even believe in 'the one' or any kind of destiny.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I just took it for my husband and he/we scored 75. Pretty good.


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## yolanda_fan (Jan 12, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I am more "romantically in love" with my wife today than ever before in all the years we've been together. More now than even in high school which are the strongest feelings I can remember. My love is the single most important thing in our relationship, the single reason we still have a relationship and I protect it at all costs. It took me a while to figure this out.


After reading many posts like Ten_year_hubby's, two thoughts ran through my mind: 

First: All of you must be lying. No way can two married people be this compatible, this happy, and this passionate about one another. But then I dismissed that thought--people wouldn't post on this marriage advice forum in order to lie or make things up just to make themselves look and sound good.

And then: How sad that I don't feel this way. And my husband probably doesn't, either. I don't want to make this thread about my marriage, but to summarize: my husband and I have been married for 12 years, and we have two sons. We're committed to staying married, but it's been a struggle from day 1. Initially, it was because of my own conflicted feelings--I'd never felt the level of "butterflies" and romantic infatuation I thought I would feel for my husband. I loved him deeply and knew he would be a good husband, but I didn't have that "soul mate, you complete me" passion. Not even at the beginning of our marriage.

So I'm both jealous and happy for all of the married people who experience that romantic "In Love" feeling with your spouses. It's something precious, and not every married person has it. So cherish it, please!!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

yolanda_fan said:


> And then: How sad that I don't feel this way. And my husband probably doesn't, either. I don't want to make this thread about my marriage, but to summarize: my husband and I have been married for 12 years, and we have two sons. We're committed to staying married, but it's been a struggle from day 1. Initially, it was because of my own conflicted feelings--I'd never felt the level of "butterflies" and romantic infatuation I thought I would feel for my husband. I loved him deeply and knew he would be a good husband, but I didn't have that "soul mate, you complete me" passion. Not even at the beginning of our marriage.


Was that a feeling you always wanted to experience?

If so, why did you get married without it?


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## yolanda_fan (Jan 12, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Was that a feeling you always wanted to experience?
> 
> If so, why did you get married without it?


A few reasons. I talked to friends and family (no one on this forum, obviously), who assured me that romantic feelings weren't the key to a lasting marriage and that other things were more important--friendship, committment, common values and outlook on life, humor, etc. My husband and I have (or had) all of those. I thought it would be enough. 

Also, my notion of romance was based on books and movies. I didn't know many happily married couples growing up--NO ONE in my family, and only a few of my friends' parents, so I relied on fictional fairy tales about love and marriage. My idea of what romantic love is was very jacked up, of course. And so were my expectations for what marriage would be. 

Another skewed perspective: every boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or married couple I knew with passion and romance also had some of the most dysfunctional things I'd ever seen: infidelity, domestic abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, financial instability, constant drama from multiple baby mamas and baby daddies--and I knew I didn't want any of that. I wanted someone stable, and I wanted a marriage that wasn't crazy. 

Do passion and dysfunction have to be mutually exclusive? The comedian Chris Rock once said that the most stable marriages are often the most boring, and "exciting" marriages tend to be unhealthy.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Absolutely a YES! A newlywed I work with tells me I'm so funny how I talk about my husband and am still so in love after all the years we've been married. She thinks its great. Another coworker commented that she can tell how much I love my husband by the way my eyes light up when I see him or talk about him.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Romantically? I don't know. I never know how to define that to myself.

I've used this quote before somewhere, but it is the best thing I've found to sum up my 20+ years of loving my husband



> “My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”
> 
> 
> ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

yolanda_fan said:


> A few reasons. I talked to friends and family (no one on this forum, obviously), who assured me that romantic feelings weren't the key to a lasting marriage and that other things were more important--friendship, committment, common values and outlook on life, humor, etc. My husband and I have (or had) all of those. I thought it would be enough.


I think that's definitely good enough for some. If both parties go in with the same vision of marriage, and that mutual vision is truly authentic, a marriage like this could work very well.

I think it's only a disaster when one person is looking for that deep, soulmate, in love kind of relationship and the other is not. Or is not with them.



yolanda_fan said:


> Also, my notion of romance was based on books and movies. I didn't know many happily married couples growing up--NO ONE in my family, and only a few of my friends' parents, so I relied on fictional fairy tales about love and marriage. My idea of what romantic love is was very jacked up, of course. And so were my expectations for what marriage would be.


I feel you. There definitely were not many (any?) examples in my life growing up like a traditional, in love, happily married couple. My parents weren't divorced, and were in love, but their situation was very...unique.



yolanda_fan said:


> Do passion and dysfunction have to be mutually exclusive? The comedian Chris Rock once said that the most stable marriages are often the most boring, and "exciting" marriages tend to be unhealthy.


Not in my experience. I fell madly in love with my wife, then best friend, over 13 years ago. We've been together for 12. We've had our share of ups, and downs, but what has never ceased is the fact that we are madly, deeply in love with one another. There is a connection there, which I've spoke of on this board several times, that is palpable and very powerful. We count on it. Neither one of us could be married based of companionship, or shared interests. We are together because we must be together, and we must be in love. And we've encountered none of the dysfunctions you mention (never any cheating, no emotional/physical abuse, etc). We don't even fight (but that's all on my amazing wife, because she just doesn't argue with anyone, ever).

But I've also been a romantic at heart, for as long as I can recall, and I refused to back down from that. So I made a life for which this kind of love existed, and was to be expected.

Don't let anyone tell you that in order to experience really being "in love" with a person you have to step headfirst into a dysfunctional mess. That's a damn lie.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *yolanda_fan said:* First: All of you must be lying. No way can two married people be this compatible, this happy, and this passionate about one another. But then I dismissed that thought--people wouldn't post on this marriage advice forum in order to lie or make things up just to make themselves look and sound good.


 I am sure you are not alone in questioning these things. Even the best of marriages has had some issues to iron out over the years. 



> *yolanda_fan said*: A few reasons. I talked to friends and family (no one on this forum, obviously), who assured me that romantic feelings weren't the key to a lasting marriage and that other things were more important--friendship, committment, common values and outlook on life, humor, etc. My husband and I have (or had) all of those. I thought it would be enough.


 I want to share a little about me & my husband's beginning... I can't really say I had all those butterflys about him.... it was more of a COMFORT thing...When we met, I was very young (15), I had a difficult family life at home.... I wanted out of there...he entered my life...he was my Prince who really gave a damn....if someone asked me why I fell in love with him, my answer would be something to the tune of - how he treated me , his LOVE won me over, it wasn't about PASSION/Lust puppies for us so much... we became "*best friends*" before we even kissed. 

Plus... we just had so darn much in common...nearly all the same dreams, our outlook on life, love, goals, we shared the same vision for the future, both wanted family /kids/ country living ... I KNEW he would make a fabulous husband & father. 

I was also heavily into Romance... I felt what we had was the real deal though.... I had Respect for who he was - a great guy, integrity, honest in all things.....and there was enough physical attraction -he was my perfect body type & without those glasses, he was pretty damn cute! 



> Also, my notion of romance was based on books and movies. I didn't know many happily married couples growing up--NO ONE in my family, and only a few of my friends' parents, so I relied on fictional fairy tales about love and marriage. My idea of what romantic love is was very jacked up, of course. And so were my expectations for what marriage would be.


 I DID have examples, my Grandmother was my best....Oh the stories she shared....of my Grandfather...(he died when I was 6), the photo albums full of happy memories... (even in this I take after her)....Also my Dad & Step Mom -terribly compatible in their enjoyments , Love languages = harmony. My dad & Mom was a train wreck ...thank God for the divorce - that was dysfunction with a capital D. 



> Do passion and dysfunction have to be mutually exclusive? The comedian Chris Rock once said that the most stable marriages are often the most boring, and "exciting" marriages tend to be unhealthy.


 I feel there is "some" truth to this though....more along the lines of what is talked about in this book >>> "*Mating in Captivity*" ....I have this book on my shelf, reading some of it has made it sound as though being too romantically close - works against passion & hot sex ... I agree a little TENSION is good sometimes  ...but I would never say being too close is a hinderance to all.  I wouldn't want to take that from us... I don't feel it is necessary. 

Questions on the front cover say...."Can we desire what we already have? and " Does Good intimacy always make for HOT sex?"

I think this is what works for us...Me & my husband have a TON in common- this is true... but our personality types are very opposite... I can be feisty, I like to argue & debate - he has accused me of starting fights just to have Make up sex .... and I will admit







... you might say I bring on a little dysfunction, but not too much...Just enough to make it EXCITING, a little on the edge. Our fights are generally so stupid, we are laughing about them hours later, humorously memorable- even got an analogy for a new thread out of one of them. 

He on the other hand is....very calm, it is ME who gets him riled up - our dynamics work good like this... If I married another like myself, I'd probably want to shoot him... and if he married a woman as calm as him, yeah... it would likley be more on the "uneventful" side. There is a reason they say "opposites attract". It works well for us. 

I'd even say, I've had more butterflys for my husband in Mid life -than I did in the beginning, what we had was REAL the whole time, but I did take him for granted for periods in our marriage. So butterflys can be stirred... that's my belief.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Romantically? I don't know. I never know how to define that to myself.
> 
> I've used this quote before somewhere, but it is the best thing I've found to sum up my 20+ years of loving my husband


What a great quote!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> “My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”
> 
> 
> ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights


Wuthering Heights... one of my personal all time favorites....the 1939 version blows the rest out of the water .....with Lawrence Olivier & Merle Oberon... I remember reading - how in real life- they seriously despised each other -guess that explains some of the Tension = hence passion in that movie. 

Wuthering Heights (1939)


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Wuthering Heights... one of my personal all time favorites....the 1939 version blows the rest out of the water .....with Lawrence Olivier & Merle Oberon... I remember reading - how in real life- they seriously despised each other -guess that explains some of the Tension = hence passion in that movie.
> 
> Wuthering Heights (1939)


Have you read the book? I looooove that book, one of my faves. It's incredible to think that Emily Bronte was almost certainly a virgin her whole life. The way she writes about love speaks more to me than any other writer I have found.


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## Today's marriage (Sep 20, 2012)

dasmojito. I feel you! I have a 1 year old and very similar circumstances. Right now it is OKAY. I'm trying to get the sizzle going. I just don't know what to do. He says he's happy, but I'm not really happy.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

yes. I'am and it is very important


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

7 years together with mine, a 4 year old and a 20 month old.. I love him, we're going through problems right now though..


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

yolanda_fan said:


> I loved him deeply and knew he would be a good husband, but I didn't have that "soul mate, you complete me" passion. Not even at the beginning of our marriage.


yolanda_fan,

From wherever you start, your spouse becomes your soul mate from the minute you say "I do". Love is a choice and loving is an action. My first suggestion to anyone who would like more romance in their marriage is to makes sure they regularly go out on dates with their spouse


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## yolanda_fan (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks for the great responses, SimplyAmorous and Ten_year_hubby--and jaquen! They've help me get a better perspective on my husband and our marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lyris said:


> Have you read the book? I looooove that book, one of my faves. It's incredible to think that Emily Bronte was almost certainly a virgin her whole life. The way she writes about love speaks more to me than any other writer I have found.


I never read this book.. I know I should - I need to take the time, go to the Library someday & just do it !! I know I will







it.

There is something to....thirsting in the desert for something.... that makes for more *passion* in their writing... I didn't know that about Emily Bronte or forgot, but it really doesn't surprise me either! I looked a little up - she was born in 1818 ....








.... Emily Brontë - Wikipedia



> Emily's Wuthering Heights was published in 1847. Set in the moors, it is a story of love and revenge involving a character named Heathcliff, who was abandoned by his parents as an infant, and his effect on two neighboring families. Critical reaction was negative, at least partly due to the many errors in the first printing. Later Wuthering Heights came to be considered one of the great novels of all time.
> 
> Emily Brontë died of tuberculosis at Haworth on December 19, 1848. Refusing all medical attention, she struggled to perform her household tasks until the end.


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