# How do you teach your SO to touch you correctly?



## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

To me it is a given that some people are sensual, and some are not. 

I am, my H is not. 

It drives me insane!

I'm at a loss to get it across to him how I want him to touch me. I've tried so many things...couples massage class, giving him a full body massage, demonstrating by how I touch him, etc.

1) I've tried the 10 sec kiss, and it's more like 5 pecks in a row - even if we're alone. He's got this thing about PDA, even in the house, which I disagree with - I think children should see their parents displaying some light levels of intimacy. I saw my parents have an extended kiss when they gathered from work. It was lovely!

2) The other morning I was on my side in bed, my back toward the bathroom door. As he passed he tickled the line of my undies on my bum. Being half asleep, it was mostly annoying. Why not just stroke my thigh from the knee or mid-way, up? So, I got up, and as I entered the bathroom, touched his naked bum tender, sensitive way. "What are you doing...feeling the melons?"

3) It's like he's a 15 yo with his first gf (fumbling, rushing, ackward), even with more intimate situations. And he's almost 4x that and we've been together for nearly 20 years. It isn't like this is "new!" The 3 point routine is really, really boring. There is SO much more.

4) Which is all probably related to his sophmoric ways of referring to any body part or anything sexual. So guess who got to tell both of our kids about sex? I figured I'd better with our son, so he didn't get lost in the subject with a bunch of pseudonyms! 

To your posts ~


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Have you told him point blank that you don't enjoy the way he touches you or do you hint around at it?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Really encourage to get him to learn more about tantric sex. Start with a video, maybe, just so he can see what it is about, letting him know all along that you can see him having the potential to make this journey with you. Some larger cities have workshops, but there is so much more information out there than when my wife and I were younger. Specifically, he needs to learn more about your zones, and the subtle effect of touching, caressing, and holding.

Sounds a bit hoakey when writing this, but I've published smaller works of fiction and poetry (my SIL sent my wife's BD poems for publication), and one thing that I really focus on is interpreting subtle body movement into the character interplay. Especially in the early years, I would verbalize what feeling I was trying to invoke when I gave attention to a particular area as we progressed in lovemaking. My wife would frame it in her own words, and I began to learn that some touches had different meanings for her. For example, when kissing the underside of the breast, I might describe it as a tease, and add some fun allegory, whereas she might describe it as building energy. Belive it or not, I really learned how she interprets litterally hundreds of gestures. I know her.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Have you told him point blank that you don't enjoy the way he touches you or do you hint around at it?


Hinting didn't work. Went point blank. But with grace.

For instance, he was doing well last night, and I was acknowledging and complementing as it went. 

Afterward, using the line of his ribcage for the example, I talked about the other day (demo'd his move) and how this move (demo) would have been better. He brushed it as 'waking me up.' and the my recommended move was 'just for sex.' 

I told him I don't even let the children wake me that way - no coming in and poking on my arm, making squigles on my skin, being right in my face - nothing startling. Even they know to come in, lay a hand on my skin, give me about 18" of visability and talk softly until I wake up (I'm light sleeper). Same way I wake them up (and one is a HEAVY sleeper!).

Halien, I would love to get him talking during sex. I talk to him, but he doesn't seem to listen to what I want him to do. 

AARRGGHHH!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sounds like he is stuck in defensive mode. Broaching the topic lightly hasn't worked either. It might sting for a while, but maybe he needs to know that you never pictured yourself being in an unfullfilling sexual relationship, and it will only get better if the two of you start listening and learning. Let him know that you are willing to give as well as get, and he can't say that you are being unreasonable. Regardless of his past, he needs to realize that each woman is entirely different in her intimacy needs, so there is no shame in not understanding your needs. Its only shameful if he doesn't understand after being with you for some time.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I may be reading your post wrong if so ignore me; but from a male perspective it still sounds like a suggestion or a lead. As you know some men don't generally take hints or suggestions very well. 

If I were you I'd approach it like " I want you to do xyz and then ask are you willing to do this for my pleasure? This way you have told him in no uncertain terms exactly what you want and put him on the spot to find out how much he cares about your fulfillment.

If my SO told me it would be better if I did a particular thing I stand at least a 50% chance of missing it but if she said "I want you to do xyz" I'd be on it like a dog on a bone!


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Halien said:


> Really encourage to get him to learn more about tantric sex. Start with a video, maybe, just so he can see what it is about, letting him know all along that you can see him having the potential to make this journey with you. Some larger cities have workshops, but there is so much more information out there than when my wife and I were younger. Specifically, he needs to learn more about your zones, and the subtle effect of touching, caressing, and holding.
> 
> Sounds a bit hoakey when writing this, but I've published smaller works of fiction and poetry (my SIL sent my wife's BD poems for publication), and one thing that I really focus on is interpreting subtle body movement into the character interplay. Especially in the early years, I would verbalize what feeling I was trying to invoke when I gave attention to a particular area as we progressed in lovemaking. My wife would frame it in her own words, and I began to learn that some touches had different meanings for her. For example, when kissing the underside of the breast, I might describe it as a tease, and add some fun allegory, whereas she might describe it as building energy. Belive it or not, I really learned how she interprets litterally hundreds of gestures. I know her.


Can you provide more examples of this or a link to reliable online info? I think this is a great way to learn about your lover's perspective.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

L.M.COYL said:


> Can you provide more examples of this or a link to reliable online info? I think this is a great way to learn about your lover's perspective.



Hey, I said it was hoakey, but we spent entire weekends in bed the early years. I would take a section of a remembered poen, like Byron's 'She Walks in Beauty' and insert my own lines after the first stanza, describing what I observed when I was touching or caressing. She would laugh if I missed it terribly, or if the words I added sounded clunky. Any of the Romanticists were fair game. It started because she found my collection of classics mixed with copies of Dune and I am Legend, and se just read them together sometimes. I have a poor memory, so the literary license when reciting just turned into a game, or sometimes we used poetry as part of the tantric experience. Heck, I don't even like poetry. I write Science Fiction. Of course, I tended to pick on her alot, so vampires and the like were fair game if she was in a sour mood.

She walks in beauty, like the night 
Of cloudless climes and starry skies; 
And all that's best of dark and bright 
Meet in her aspect and her eyes: 
Thus mellow'd to that tender light 
Which heaven to gaudy day denies


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> I may be reading your post wrong if so ignore me; but from a male perspective it still sounds like a suggestion or a lead. As you know some men don't generally take hints or suggestions very well.
> 
> If I were you I'd approach it like " I want you to do xyz and then ask are you willing to do this for my pleasure? This way you have told him in no uncertain terms exactly what you want and put him on the spot to find out how much he cares about your fulfillment.
> 
> If my SO told me it would be better if I did a particular thing I stand at least a 50% chance of missing it but if she said "I want you to do xyz" I'd be on it like a dog on a bone!


Interesting, because it sounds like a suggestion to me!

Hey...I'll try it. Always helps to hear a man's perspective!

Halien...include KEETS' letters. Beethoven's letters. Great stuff! 

Now, take Stonewalls phrasing to read Keets, et al...we might just be cooking with gas!


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Men aren't very good at hints.... we're really very simple creatures especially when it comes to sex!

Maybe in the past you have tickled his bum or given his balls a quick squeeze....he took it as a 'come on' and got 'rejected' because you just did it as a 'Hi Honey, I love you' squeeze but for you it wasn't a come on.

Maybe thats why he now needs you to tell him what you want in plain, simple 'man' language. "Honey...seeing you like that makes me realise how much I love and want you....You make me so horny, I want you NOW..." Of even simpler "I'm wet come £$%^ me now!"

Thats the sort of love language we understand! And when you are 'doing it' let him know he's doing a good job!


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