# What do i do now



## Fdover again (Apr 16, 2013)

My wife and i have been married for 12 yrs . Its been a rough 12 yrs financially but we make it happen .we have a blended family I had 3 kids 2 girls and a boy from my last marriage and she had 2 kids a boy and a girl from 2 previous relationships . 2 yrs ago i had an affair it was a very short one I realized i was wrong in what i was doing and it all came out .my wife said at that time that she knew i didn't love her because she had put on weight and didn't feel like a woman anymore . Her weight was never a problem . My wife is BP and medicated now but we were married for 6 yrs before she got help and that was 6 yrs of me trying to keep a marriage together because i did love her and wanted to be with her . Some where in there i lost myself worth and started into a tailspin of self doubt and self pity we would have some really good times but some bad ones too .Through it all I still loved and adored her but couldn't pull myself outta this funk then came the affair like i said it was short about 6 weeks and it felt bad the whole time , she was a younger girl and that really solidified in my wife's mind that i didn't love her I didn't think she was pretty that I didn't find her sexy or desirable nothing could be further from the truth . She allowed our youngest son to always sleep with us and that kind of put a damper on any extracurricular activities so it went on . We got past the affair i took full responsibility and we moved on so 2 yrs later march 31st was my birthday i came in from work on march 29th at 7 in the morn and sat on the couch and got on the laptop apparently the internet had gone out the night before and she just closed the laptop and went to bed thinking it would shut everything off . I opened it up turned it on and up pops her yh messenger and my whole world collapsed i found her having conversations with up to 13 different men and very sexual in nature and follow things back to 5 different dating websites all 5 different websites the profile was basically the same in a loveless marriage no sex no nothing Im done dont wanna be married anymore at least not to him hope whoever i meet on here will get along with my family yadda yadda and as I read my heart broke . So i confronted her about it and she said she didnt feel loved or sexy and these guys made her feel that way . She said it was my fault that she got on there because of a conversation we had on Dec. 31st She was all over me about different things money bills sex love all of it and she said i needed to fix all of it and that we needed to have sex more often to which i replied in anger you may need to find someone else so then she did . she says she wants to trial separate and that time is what she needs . That if we are to have a chance of getting back together that I would have to make some major changes and that she doesn't think im willing to put in the work . I told her shes wrong ill put in the work so for a week I wrote her a love note every morn and we went out a couple of times we had some of the best sex we've ever had and then Sunday she said she still wanted to separate . I lost my cool and said something about screwing the guys from the internet but she swears that she has never met anyone of them and doesnt want to its just fun and amusing that she knows they are full of crap. But she has had this ongoing convo with this one guy and as late as 3 days ago she said they should meet and she asked him to call her . She says the kids are #1 priority and everything needs to be about them she wants to do the shared parenting so i got an apt down the street so the kids can come and go as they please . I get so many mixed messages from her that I dont know what is going on she says she cares deeply for me but that she doesnt THINK she loves me like a husband anymore . but then says that she is still emotionally and physically attracted to me and that she does love me to saying shes cried out over our marriage then I ask what the changes are i need to make and then she says shes not gona rehash it and not gona make a list or tell me what I need to do but I tlk to her oldest brother and he makes suggestions because apparently shes told him all my faults this is a crazy situation and I am at a loss last I knew she said she loved me any thoughts


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Your wife has serious self worth and body image issues. This was compounded by your cheating and your comment about her finding someone else to have sex with. I'm not excusng her behavior at all but your actions and words have played a big part in this. Now she is compulsively seeking validation elsewhere. She doesn't feel loved or wanted by you so she is looking for that wherever she can get it.Her issues and your infidelity have not been dealt with or resolved. This can be salvaged. With a lot of work and MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It might be salvageable, but by moving out you've given her free reign to go get her fix from whoever she likes. And she most likely will. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fdover again said:


> My wife and i have been married for 12 yrs . Its been a rough 12 yrs financially but we make it happen .we have a blended family I had 3 kids 2 girls and a boy from my last marriage and she had 2 kids a boy and a girl from 2 previous relationships . 2 yrs ago i had an affair it was a very short one I realized i was wrong in what i was doing and it all came out .my wife said at that time that she knew i didn't love her because she had put on weight and didn't feel like a woman anymore . Her weight was never a problem . My wife is BP and medicated now but we were married for 6 yrs before she got help and that was 6 yrs of me trying to keep a marriage together because i did love her and wanted to be with her . Some where in there i lost myself worth and started into a tailspin of self doubt and self pity we would have some really good times but some bad ones too .Through it all I still loved and adored her but couldn't pull myself outta this funk then came the affair like i said it was short about 6 weeks and it felt bad the whole time , she was a younger girl and that really solidified in my wife's mind that i didn't love her I didn't think she was pretty that I didn't find her sexy or desirable nothing could be further from the truth . She allowed our youngest son to always sleep with us and that kind of put a damper on any extracurricular activities so it went on . We got past the affair i took full responsibility and we moved on so 2 yrs later march 31st was my birthday i came in from work on march 29th at 7 in the morn and sat on the couch and got on the laptop apparently the internet had gone out the night before and she just closed the laptop and went to bed thinking it would shut everything off . I opened it up turned it on and up pops her yh messenger and my whole world collapsed i found her having conversations with up to 13 different men and very sexual in nature and follow things back to 5 different dating websites all 5 different websites the profile was basically the same in a loveless marriage no sex no nothing Im done dont wanna be married anymore at least not to him hope whoever i meet on here will get along with my family yadda yadda and as I read my heart broke . So i confronted her about it and she said she didnt feel loved or sexy and these guys made her feel that way . She said it was my fault that she got on there because of a conversation we had on Dec. 31st She was all over me about different things money bills sex love all of it and she said i needed to fix all of it and that we needed to have sex more often to which i replied in anger you may need to find someone else so then she did . she says she wants to trial separate and that time is what she needs . That if we are to have a chance of getting back together that I would have to make some major changes and that she doesn't think im willing to put in the work . I told her shes wrong ill put in the work so for a week I wrote her a love note every morn and we went out a couple of times we had some of the best sex we've ever had and then Sunday she said she still wanted to separate . I lost my cool and said something about screwing the guys from the internet but she swears that she has never met anyone of them and doesnt want to its just fun and amusing that she knows they are full of crap. But she has had this ongoing convo with this one guy and as late as 3 days ago she said they should meet and she asked him to call her . She says the kids are #1 priority and everything needs to be about them she wants to do the shared parenting so i got an apt down the street so the kids can come and go as they please . I get so many mixed messages from her that I dont know what is going on she says she cares deeply for me but that she doesnt THINK she loves me like a husband anymore . but then says that she is still emotionally and physically attracted to me and that she does love me to saying shes cried out over our marriage then I ask what the changes are i need to make and then she says shes not gona rehash it and not gona make a list or tell me what I need to do but I tlk to her oldest brother and he makes suggestions because apparently shes told him all my faults this is a crazy situation and I am at a loss last I knew she said she loved me any thoughts




hmm, you had an affair but now that she's talking to other men your world has collapsed. see the issue here? your affair hasn't been dealt with in her mind, that's she she is seeking attention from others. get to mc right now to see if this can be dealt with. you need outside help; since you were the one to introduce infidelity to the marriage you have very limited power here, assuming your goal is to save the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fdover again (Apr 16, 2013)

I moved out cause its what she wanted she said we need to separate that she needed time.
We also agreed on shared parenting of our 12 and 9 yo children so I got a apartment right down the street so the children can have access to both parents .we live in a small town decided thats where we wanted to raise our kids not in the city .

Now that we are separated she says now she needs to move 2 hrs away to a city where her younger brother lives its a rough city but she says she cant make a living here but she could drive 45 mins and get a good job . I drive 2hrs to work sometimes to keep from having to put the kids in city school 

I dont know what to think anymore like i said she says she has no plans on going rt with anyone right now but i think im ok with her going on her way It will kill me and I have no interest in ever dating anyone else she was the love of my life and want nobody else 

Ill give her her space and just wait and see


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Space to explore the new and exciting relationships with posOM#1 through posOM#13?


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## Fdover again (Apr 16, 2013)

so what do you think i should do Conrad I have nobody to talk to my only confidant is my 19 yo son and he is pissed and not being objective so Im taking any and all advice i think mc is out on her part for now like i said I have no clue what to do next Ive been divorced before but it wasnt like this my last divorce was a god send but I love this woman and she is just so cold about it and that bothers me . She has never lied to me before in 11 yrs but now ...:scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Fdover again said:


> so what do you think i should do Conrad I have nobody to talk to my only confidant is my 19 yo son and he is pissed and not being objective so Im taking any and all advice i think mc is out on her part for now like i said I have no clue what to do next Ive been divorced before but it wasnt like this my last divorce was a god send but I love this woman and she is just so cold about it and that bothers me . She has never lied to me before in 11 yrs but now ...:scratchhead:


Get an attorney and file the paperwork.

Cut her off financially.

Let her know you're serious.

Go silent.

BTW - let her move so you can get back in your place. Doing otherwise is merely paying her to leave you.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Mistake #1, never move out of the house. If she needs to find herself she should have made the move out.

Sorry to say, but she's disconnected already. This is the HARDEST obstacle to overcome in a marriage. Its such a fine line of being mr. nice guy/supportive, or the 180 method that might just help her out the door faster.

Every situation is differnet but your really gonna have to LISTEN to what she's actually saying. But it almost always starts with what you can do for yourself. Begging, pleading makes you look weak and unattractive. You need to change who are, what your doing. I'm not gonna lie, this is brutally tough, but you have to give her a reason to be attracted to you again, without forcing it upon her. Its a slow process, and there will be many days ahead, that you just will not want to make the effort. You must get yourself motivated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like your affair was never resolved between the two of you. Probably a lot of rug-sweeping went on. Now you are seeing the result of that combined with her own issues that were always there.

Don't focus on her and instead work on yourself.

P.S.
Stop talking to your son about this. He doesn't need to be involved.


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## Fdover again (Apr 16, 2013)

ok as far as moving out it was an apt nothing we owned my new ones nicer lol so play hardball huh cut her off and just basically just go be my own guy worry about me . What about the kids they are 9 and 12 how do i handle that I make enough money she can take me to the cleaners in cs but its not even that its i dont want my kids hurt by this and i know there is only so much i can do about that . i know this is gona be rough but it cant be any rougher than it is now


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You assure the children the problems aren't their fault and that their parents love them and will be there for them. 

Yes, divorce is difficult for children but so is living in a household where one parent doesn't want to be there.


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