# Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him



## SomethingsUp

Here's why I think somethings Up!

My husband is:

-Being secretive with his cell phone and laptop. (When I come in the room type stuff) or he gets quiet when he's on the phone.

-Put a password on his phone recently. He said in case it gets stolen of course, he never worried about that before. 

-He makes excuses to leave home. Lots!

-His drinking has increased, he drinks on his way home in his truck and doesn't stop the entire time he's home till the day he leaves. Sober up to fly back to work I suppose.

-He's easily irritated by me asking simple questions.

-We hardly have sex anymore.

-He used to sleep in the nude, but now he wears boxers or PJ pants and puts a pillow between us in bed. If my leg or anything touches him while sleeping, he pulls away almost ticked off at me?

-I found selfies pics of himself sitting in his truck behind the wheel with shades on and different grins. WTF? Profile pics or something like that? 

-I found his laptop history had lots of redtube videos on it, ya, I started to snoop.

-His cell phone has a bunch of unknown #'s in the text part, but when I click on them, it's blank.

-He doesn't spend any time with me anymore, he's always got somewhere to go, we were best friends for a lot of our marriage and used to do everything together. He says no to me now, and if we do go somewhere, he always wants me to meet him, take my own vehicle. 

So, what do you think so far? I should add that we have been doing a long distance marriage for 7 years now, he works one of those jobs that he does 2 weeks gone, 2 home kinda thing. That hasn't been easy, but now when he's home, he still leaves for one reason or the other lots and goes to his truck, our garage, back yard to make/take phone calls. He turned the sound off on his phone so I don't hear it ring.

Thanks for listening.


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## PhillyGuy13

A lot of red flags there. Something seems up. Don't at a word to him or confront without more concrete evidence. Play the role of devoted wife don't clue him in. Great tips on evidence gathering I can post later tonight, if nobody does in the meantime.

What kind of phone does he have? Ages of the two of you? Any kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> A lot of red flags there. Something seems up. Don't at a word to him or confront without more concrete evidence. Play the role of devoted wife don't clue him in. Great tips on evidence gathering I can post later tonight, if nobody does in the meantime.
> 
> What kind of phone does he have? Ages of the two of you? Any kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks PG, I know there's red flags, that's why I joined here, to get some advice as to how to proceed. He's got a lot of freedom working away from home, so trust is a must for our marriage. He has an Iphone 4s.


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## SomethingsUp

You know what's going threw my head right now, he turned 55 this year, mid-life crisis?


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## School bus

Since no ones said it, VAR his car. There are plenty of instructions in this forum. Be prepared for what it will reveal though.


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## Q tip

Look up LordMahem and weightlifters signature. Also almostrecovered. 

Good info for you


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## SomethingsUp

School bus said:


> Since no ones said it, VAR his car. There are plenty of instructions in this forum. Be prepared for what it will reveal though.


What is that? I have to know what's going on, it would suck if I'm at home alone most of the time losing years of my life waiting on him to be a FT husband again one day for nothing.

All our kids are grown and gone from home.


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## PhillyGuy13

Check out this thread- it's got a lot of good info but don't be afraid to ask questions.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

VAR Is a voice activated recorder. Like the kind students use to record lectures, police use to take statements... You will want to see if you can secure one under his car seat. It will record whoever he speaks with in the car, but you have to secure it good. Instructions in the thread attached.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13

Did you write down the odd phone numbers he has been texting? Do you have access to the cell phone bill?

You will want to look up those numbers online. Some free sites, some you may have to pay a fee.

The selfies you found - did he post them to facebook? Or have you otherwise never seen them?

How far away is he when he is away for work? I hate to bring it up- he could have a lady friend in the other town. Very easy for those that work apart to do this.

If you have the means to do so, you could hire PI To follow him for a few nights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Check out this thread- it's got a lot of good info but don't be afraid to ask questions.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
> 
> VAR Is a voice activated recorder. Like the kind students use to record lectures, police use to take statements... You will want to see if you can secure one under his car seat. It will record whoever he speaks with in the car, but you have to secure it good. Instructions in the thread attached.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks PG, I was searching to find out what it was. Well that would definitely help me out with some answers I'm sure.


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## MattMatt

He might be cheating, he might not. But clearly something is wrong with him. But what? That's what you need to be watchful and careful. Don't blow it before you can find out what is wrong.


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## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Did you write down the odd phone numbers he has been texting? Do you have access to the cell phone bill?
> 
> _*I didn't write the numbers down, wish I would of but I got up in the middle of the night to find them, I was so nervous about getting caught ugh. He keeps his cell bills at his apartment where he works.
> *_
> You will want to look up those numbers online. Some free sites, some you may have to pay a fee.
> 
> _*I'll try again to get his phone and write them down.*_
> 
> The selfies you found - did he post them to facebook? Or have you otherwise never seen them?
> 
> _*He's not a facebook person that I know of and I've never seen them tell my snooping.
> *_
> How far away is he when he is away for work? I hate to bring it up- he could have a lady friend in the other town. Very easy for those that work apart to do this.
> 
> _*2 and 1/2 hour flight away, I've had that cross my mine lately about someone where he works.*_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp

Q tip said:


> Look up LordMahem and weightlifters signature. Also almostrecovered.
> 
> Good info for you


Okay, thank you.


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## SomethingsUp

MattMatt said:


> He might be cheating, he might not. But clearly something is wrong with him. But what? That's what you need to be watchful and careful. Don't blow it before you can find out what is wrong.


Oh I hear you, I'm not saying anything, just opening my eyes more trying to figure things out.

I sure feel something is very wrong though, even when he works away, he used to call me in the morning, at lunch time and of course after work. That's all hit and miss now. I work full time as a traveling sales rep, so I'm on the highways all the time, he used to worry about that, not so much anymore. I call him and can't reach him either. So there's many things that have changed.


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## MattMatt

SomethingsUp said:


> Oh I hear you, I'm not saying anything, just opening my eyes more trying to figure things out.
> 
> I sure feel something is very wrong though, even when he works away, he used to call me in the morning, at lunch time and of course after work. That's all hit and miss now. I work full time as a traveling sales rep, so I'm on the highways all the time, he used to worry about that, not so much anymore. I call him and can't reach him either. So there's many things that have changed.


Hmmm. I'm liking the sound of this less and less.


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## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Check out this thread- it's got a lot of good info but don't be afraid to ask questions.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
> 
> VAR Is a voice activated recorder. Like the kind students use to record lectures, police use to take statements... You will want to see if you can secure one under his car seat. It will record whoever he speaks with in the car, but you have to secure it good. Instructions in the thread attached.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you very much for the thread link.


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## PhillyGuy13

Hmmm...

Try to get his phone while he is asleep, assuming he is home right now. Do you you know the passcode? There are a lot of chat apps too to see if he has used any of those. Most of the otherwise innocent game apps like Words with friends also have chat features. With him away half the time it is going to be tough to catch him.

I think PI is the way to go. You could plant a VAR in his car at home, see if he chats with her while he is home (assuming she exists). But that won't help you while he is away at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp

MattMatt said:


> Hmmm. I'm liking the sound of this less and less.


I know, things were slow to start about 6 mons ago, now it's getting obvious I have a big problem.


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## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Hmmm...
> 
> Try to get his phone while he is asleep, assuming he is home right now. Do you you know the passcode? There are a lot of chat apps too to see if he has used any of those. Most of the otherwise innocent game apps like Words with friends also have chat features. With him away half the time it is going to be tough to catch him.
> 
> I think PI is the way to go. You could plant a VAR in his car at home, see if he chats with her while he is home (assuming she exists). But that won't help you while he is away at work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's home but not home right now, he's in the city, we live out of town picking up our boat, he had other so called errands as well apparently, flashed a list on paper as he left this morning. I worked today too, but knocked off early because I've been up snooping for the last few NIGHTS. ugh 

I'll try and get his phone tonight again. A PI, you think I might have to go that far?


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## SomethingsUp

You know what is just killing me inside the most, one of our daughters (We have 3 kids, 2 daughters and a son, youngest 21) is getting married next summer, she just got engaged a few weeks ago, this should be such a happy time for us!


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## PhillyGuy13

IF you can get the phone see what you can find. Otherwise with him being a thousand miles away, for weeks on end, I don't see how you can really catch anything.

Do you know his email passwords? Can you snoop in there?

There are perfectly legitimate excuses for each item in your first post. However taken as a whole is a ton of red flags that something is up. 

Any history of infidelity in all your years together? Any other issues that he may want to hide (substance abuse, gambling, out of control spending?)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212

He's either cheating or has a terminal illness he's keeping secret. Please read the newbie thread by AlmostRecovered in my signature below.


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## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> IF you can get the phone see what you can find. Otherwise with him being a thousand miles away, for weeks on end, I don't see how you can really catch anything.
> 
> Do you know his email passwords? Can you snoop in there?
> 
> There are perfectly legitimate excuses for each item in your first post. However taken as a whole is a ton of red flags that something is up.
> 
> Any history of infidelity in all your years together? Any other issues that he may want to hide (substance abuse, gambling, out of control spending?)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No history of infidelity, for many years of our marriage we owned a business together and worked together when the kids were young, he was a hands on father too back then. I look after our money just because it fell on me to do so and I'm vigilant with it so there is nothing going on there, I make pretty good money, not as much as he does but me being home to do things for us where that's concerned. 

He is drinking more though lately when he's home, it bugs me often, but he's on HIS days off, so I back off for the most part. No gambling either or spending anywhere extra that I know about. The biggest flag to me is the secrecy with his electronics and of course, not being home like he used to be.

I might have to stop posting soon, he just called and said he'll be here soon, so if I leave suddenly, that's why. 

I sure appreciated the help I'm getting.


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## WorkingOnMe

Might be cheating, might be something completely different. But obviously it's something. One thing to keep in mind is that 26 weeks together per year is not enough to sustain an emotional connection, especially after 7 years. So really, only his moral compass would keep him from cheating and that's probably not enough. 

Try googling the phone numbers on his text. Or calling them to see who answers. I often text clients for work and then delete them to not clutter up my text screen, so I could see it being nothing. But of course you never no.

Forget about redtube. That's a red herring. 

Can you install a key logger on his laptop? Check the cookies on his browser. You're looking for an unfamiliar email account or dating sites.

Good luck.


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## SomethingsUp

Calibre1212 said:


> He's either cheating or has a terminal illness he's keeping secret. Please read the newbie thread by AlmostRecovered in my signature below.


He just had a physical last time home and bragged about it, said he was healthier then a horse. So I know that's not the problem.


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## SomethingsUp

WorkingOnMe said:


> Might be cheating, might be something completely different. But obviously it's something. One thing to keep in mind is that 26 weeks together per year is not enough to sustain an emotional connection, especially after 7 years. So really, only his moral compass would keep him from cheating and that's probably not enough.
> 
> Try googling the phone numbers on his text. Or calling them to see who answers. I often text clients for work and then delete them to not clutter up my text screen, so I could see it being nothing. But of course you never no.
> 
> Forget about redtube. That's a red herring.
> 
> Can you install a key logger on his laptop? Check the cookies on his browser. You're looking for an unfamiliar email account or dating sites.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you, I've been looking into keylogger actually because he brings his laptop everywhere he goes, is webwatcher any good?


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## WorkingOnMe

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you, I've been looking into keylogger actually because he brings his laptop everywhere he goes, is webwatcher any good?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Read this thread. The first post has most everything you need. Also look at Lordmayhem's post for a link to keylogger software.


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## happyman64

SomethingsUp

Go with the var in the car first. If he is up to no good I think you will over hear his conversation.

Just stay cool, calm.

Act like there is no care in the world and plan the wedding.

I think you will know soon enough.

HM'


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## commonsenseisn't

SomethingsUp said:


> You know what's going threw my head right now, he turned 55 this year, mid-life crisis?


Nope. In my humble opinion the mid life crisis thing is almost always an excuse for an entitled personality to do something rotten. I think it's often a certain mindset that someone uses to give themselves permission to do what they know is wrong.


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## Rugs

Sounds like he's cheating to me. 

Is cheating a deal breaker for you?

Use a voice activated recorder and when you discover who he is talking to, don't confront him. Come here instead. 

I would say he's cheating if I had to bet. TRUST YOUR GUT!

There are tons of good stories here that follow a certain pattern. 

Sorry you are here. 

TRUST YOUR GUT.


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## commonsenseisn't

Somethingsup

I know it's difficult for you at this time, but you really need to be careful to not make strategic errors during the next few weeks. One of the most important things for you to accomplish is you must portray an air of normalcy to your husband. Do not let him know you suspect something is wrong. 

The purpose is multifold: first, it does not alert him that you are suspicious which makes it easier for you to obtain evidence. Second, if he is indeed doing something rotten it gives you the element of surprise when you take the battle to him. Third, if he is innocent it prevents you from damaging your marriage by falsely accusing him. 

If and when you get sufficient evidence of an affair you will benefit from this method of stealth because experience shows that it is a mistake for you to confront him prematurely. Some spouses forfeit tactical advantage by not keeping their emotions in check when the evidence arrives. Don't make this mistake.


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## Mr Blunt

Get information as has been suggested!

Assuming it is an affair then if you want to R then get all the legal and emotional advice that your can and when you are loaded with information blow this affair wide open. Wide open includes telling the other spouse, serving him with all the legal positions you intend to take, concentrate on YOU and build yourself up in all ways, expose to everyone that will help make him face his actions, and follow the 180.

There will be more that your can do but one of the main actions to take is to bring the betrayal out in the open and give him the consequences that he needs to jar him out of his fog and selfishness.


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## SomethingsUp

Hi guys, I bought the webwatcher keylogger and found this email address on it. Do you recognize it? He goes there lots.

[email protected]


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## SomethingsUp

It's not showing any correspondence back and forth, he just opens it.


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## Abc123wife

SomethingsUp said:


> Hi guys, I bought the webwatcher keylogger and found this email address on it. Do you recognize it? He goes there lots.
> 
> [email protected]


It looks like he has an outlook email set up. That is probably his email address.


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you, I've been looking into keylogger actually because he brings his laptop everywhere he goes, is webwatcher any good?


yes


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> Hi guys, I bought the webwatcher keylogger and found this email address on it. Do you recognize it? He goes there lots.
> 
> [email protected]


Yes, that's an email address.

Are you using webwatcher? Are you checking the keylogs? how about the screen shots?

You can set keywords for example if you set "outlook.com" as a keyword it will capture images of anytime he types that in.


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> Yes, that's an email address.
> 
> Are you using webwatcher? Are you checking the keylogs? how about the screen shots?
> 
> You can set keywords for example if you set "outlook.com" as a keyword it will capture images of anytime he types that in.


Yes I am using that "Webwatcher" okay I'll imput "outlookcom".

I also just saw an email to him from some girl that says:

"Remember me from whatsapp?"


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> Yes, that's an email address.
> 
> Are you using webwatcher? Are you checking the keylogs? how about the screen shots?
> 
> You can set keywords for example if you set "outlook.com" as a keyword it will capture images of anytime he types that in.


There to him from that address?


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## SomethingsUp

He's also on LinkedIn, didn't know that before. Could that be something?


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> Yes I am using that "Webwatcher" okay I'll imput "outlookcom".
> 
> I also just saw an email to him from some girl that says:
> 
> "Remember me from whatsapp?"


Make sure you but the "dot" in that -- "outlook.com"


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> Make sure you but the "dot" in that -- "outlook.com"


Okay will do thanks. What do you make of the email sent to him about whatsapp?


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> There to him from that address?


If he typed in [email protected], he was probably sending an email to that email address.

Did you look at the websites he's going to?

Is it capturing any screen shots?


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> Yes I am using that "Webwatcher" okay I'll imput "outlookcom".
> 
> I also just saw an email to him from some girl that says:
> 
> "Remember me from whatsapp?"


What's her email address? YOu can do this in PM is you don't want this stuff on the forum. I mean if you don't want actual email addresses on the forum.


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## SomethingsUp

It looks like it's coming from Date hook up. Ugh


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> He's also on LinkedIn, didn't know that before. Could that be something?


LinkedIn is a social network. It's as good a place as any to meet people.


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> It looks like it's coming from Date hook up. Ugh


What is?


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> What is?


I got into his email, figured it out and a link was to there form that 
quDonnelbolumy address.


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## EleGirl

What was the link to? I'm confused.


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> What was the link to? I'm confused.


I found in his hotmail under delete which I had to restore that email address I saw using webwatcher keylogger, when I clicked on the email it had a link in it to click on, that link went to datehookup.com.


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## EleGirl

SomethingsUp said:


> I found in his hotmail under delete which I had to restore that email address I saw using webwatcher keylogger, when I clicked on the email it had a link in it to click on, that link went to datehookup.com.


Ah....

www.outlook.com takes you to what is essentially Hotmail on MS.

Did the link go to a particular profile?


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> Ah....
> 
> www.outlook.com takes you to what is essentially Hotmail on MS.
> 
> Did the link go to a particular profile?


No and I've been searching like crazy, it went to a login page. I'm so frustrated trying to find stuff!


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## SomethingsUp

EleGirl said:


> Ah....
> 
> www.outlook.com takes you to what is essentially Hotmail on MS.
> 
> Did the link go to a particular profile?


I did that and found nothing  But thank you.


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## happyman64

SU

LinkedIn in most cases is used between business professionals. Though it can be used for personal means as well.

Whatsapp is a messaging tool that works on any device. It can be a pain to trace because it uses your data plan.

The dating site is not good news.

Contact Gus Polinkski and Weightlifter. I'm sure they can steer you via PM's (private messages) so you personal info stays private on TAM.

Do not confront him yet. He is being sneaky which means he is hiding more.

HM


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## LongWalk

Stay cool.

HappyMan,

Do you think she should start to 180 him?


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## Chaparral

did you get the var instructions? This usually works in a day or two.


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## Abc123wife

SomethingsUp said:


> No and I've been searching like crazy, it went to a login page. I'm so frustrated trying to find stuff!


You are going to have to check webwatcher and see if he entered his login and password. Right after he entered that email address, did you see anything that looked like it could be his id and password?


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## GusPolinski

SomethingsUp said:


> Hi guys, I bought the webwatcher keylogger and found this email address on it. Do you recognize it? He goes there lots.
> 
> <insert e-mail address here>


Not sure how anyone here would recognize a specific someone's e-mail address...

Either way, I'd advise that you refrain from posting personal details (name, e-mail address, etc) for either of you on an open Internet forum, as a Google search using any of those details could very well lead him to this thread.

Additionally, you should probably edit any of your posts that contain references to the e-mail address that you mentioned.

And EleGirl is correct in that outlook.com (formerly known as Hotmail or hotmail.com) is a free e-mail service hosted by Microsoft.


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## thatbpguy

SomethingsUp said:


> I found in his hotmail under delete which I had to restore that email address I saw using webwatcher keylogger, when I clicked on the email it had a link in it to click on, that link went to datehookup.com.


Speaking of hotmail, when emails are deleted they become archived. There is an archive feature to restore most deleted emails.


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## GusPolinski

thatbpguy said:


> Speaking of hotmail, when emails are deleted they become archived. There is an archive feature to restore most deleted emails.


I believe that this can be disabled.

ETA: That may or may not be relevant in this case... I've been talking w/ someone about configuring rules and had this in mind when I posted the above reply.


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## pbanerjee

Something goes beyond what meets the eye ...
If he has already been secretive, I am wondering why is he leaving so many loopholes ?

Is he deliberately making you suspicious? I can't guess any motive if he is .. 

Just another dimension to look at..


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## GusPolinski

pbanerjee said:


> Something goes beyond what meets the eye ...
> If he has already been secretive, *I am wondering why is he leaving so many loopholes ?*
> 
> Is he deliberately making you suspicious? I can't guess any motive if he is ..
> 
> Just another dimension to look at..


It's arrogance. He doesn't think that he'll be caught.

Or, to be more accurate, _he doesn't think that *she* will be able to catch him._


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## forthekids64

Have you considered maybe you have let yourself go and he is no longer attracted to you? How easy it is to find someone to blame. Maybe he is just bored.


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## happyman64

LongWalk said:


> Stay cool.
> 
> HappyMan,
> 
> Do you think she should start to 180 him?


Not yet. SU should do nothing that would make him suspicious.


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## EleGirl

forthekids64 said:


> Have you considered maybe you have let yourself go and he is no longer attracted to you? How easy it is to find someone to blame. Maybe he is just bored.


Unbelievable. Do you know the OP in real life? Do you know that she has let herself go? 

If he is cheating, there is no good excuse for this. Being bored is not an excuse for cheating. 

Even if she had let herself go, he would need to talk to her and give her an opportunity to fix things.


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## NWCooper

forthekids64 said:


> Have you considered maybe you have let yourself go and he is no longer attracted to you? How easy it is to find someone to blame. Maybe he is just bored.



Projecting much...?


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## commonsenseisn't

forthekids64 said:


> Have you considered maybe you have let yourself go and he is no longer attracted to you? How easy it is to find someone to blame. Maybe he is just bored.


Irrelevant.

Even if it were true it's still inexcusable. Period.


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## Welsh15

forthekids64 said:


> Have you considered maybe you have let yourself go and he is no longer attracted to you? How easy it is to find someone to blame. Maybe he is just bored.


This forum is for support, not ridiculous rationalizations which are truly not relevant hete


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## weightlifter

If you need something you can pm.

Top link. My signature. Standard evidence post.


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## weightlifter

forthekids64 said:


> Have you considered maybe you have let yourself go and he is no longer attracted to you? How easy it is to find someone to blame. Maybe he is just bored.


Wish there was an unlike button.

Even if she went from 125 lbs to 375 and cut off sex. The correct order is to file divorce first then get the replacement.


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## larry.gray

SomethingsUp: Please do not let one rude poster run you off.

TAM's a great place with good advice, just note how that one post was responded to.


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## SomethingsUp

weightlifter said:


> If you need something you can pm.
> 
> Top link. My signature. Standard evidence post.


I PM'd you. 

Thanks everyone else. I'm in the fog, heart pounding freak out stage.


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## Q tip

SomethingsUp said:


> I PM'd you.
> 
> Thanks everyone else. I'm in the fog, heart pounding freak out stage.


Try to stay calm. Weightlifters on your side. You have to be smart about this. It's strategy now. Chess not checkers. Weightlifter has helped many folks.


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## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Thanks everyone else. I'm in the fog, heart pounding freak out stage.


This is difficult when your emotions are all charged up and you want him to stop, but the best thing you can do for your future is to be quiet and take time to make a plan. There steps you can take to care properly for yourself that can improve your situation and give yourself time to act wisely, rather than react to the bad attitude and behavior of your husband. You kind of have to go into a little cocoon of self protection. It can be done and makes this situation safer for you.


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## SomethingsUp

Just an update here.

With all my digging for truth, I found out about this women my husband works with in his office out of town. Turns out it's true, I think he broke it off with her, she called our home last night multiple times from 11:30PM-3:30AM wanting him to meet her at a hotel in our town. I was right beside him seeing it all.

So my intuition was right all along. He's still denying he slept with her, apparently their just friends LOL!!! 

I had a horrible night, kicked him out of the house.


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## SomethingsUp

Why does he keep saying he loves me? OMG!!!!!!!!


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## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Why does he keep saying he loves me? OMG!!!!!!!!


Reality is dawning on him. He might actually love you, but he sure has not been treating you in a loving manner.
Are you interested in reconciliation or is this a deal breaker for you?


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## SomethingsUp

Just wanted to say thank you to you all and for this site, I wouldn't have known how to figure things out without all the help. 

I've got lots more to go through, but just learning the truth gives me a place to start. I'll update next steps as I figure things out.


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> Reality is dawning on him. He might actually love you, but he sure has not been treating you in a loving manner.
> Are you interested in reconciliation or is this a deal breaker for you?


Deal breaker, all our kids are gone (grown), he's been working out of town for 7 years and I've said many times to him this is too hard for me, I'm lonely. And this is what I got!!! Last night was a nightmare, I felt stunned and paralyzed witnessing those calls to him. I just feel disgust when I looked at him, told him he had to go.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Deal breaker, all our kids are gone (grown), he's been working out of town for 7 years and I've said many times to him this is too hard for me, I'm lonely. And this is what I got!!! Last night was a nightmare, I felt stunned and paralyzed witnessing those calls to him. I just feel disgust when I looked at him, told him he had to go.


I'm sorry this has happened to you.
I can imagine that you must be very hurt and disgusted with him.


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm sorry this has happened to you.
> I can imagine that you must be very hurt and disgusted with him.


Thank you Cynthia, yes my heart feels destroyed at the moment and I'm exhausted.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you Cynthia, yes my heart feels destroyed at the moment and I'm exhausted.


I can only imagine what you must be going through right now. You will be in my prayers today.


----------



## always_hopefull

SomethingsUp said:


> Deal breaker, all our kids are gone (grown), he's been working out of town for 7 years and I've said many times to him this is too hard for me, I'm lonely. And this is what I got!!! Last night was a nightmare, I felt stunned and paralyzed witnessing those calls to him. I just feel disgust when I looked at him, told him he had to go.


They work together? Gather up all his dirty clothes, socks, underwater etc, the smellier the better! Take it all into their work in a clear bag. Drop it on her desk and tell her if she wants your husband so badly, she can have his dirty laundry too!

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you know how long it's been going on for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

always_hopefull said:


> They work together? Gather up all his dirty clothes, socks, underwater etc, the smellier the better! Take it all into their work in a clear bag. Drop it on her desk and tell her if she wants your husband so badly, she can have his dirty laundry too!
> 
> I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you know how long it's been going on for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes they work together for a lot of years (I'm so dumb). I got suspicious in the last 6 months or so that something was wrong. As much as I wish I could do what you suggested, I don't want to book a flight to take his laundry to her that bad, maybe I could put a note on the bag and he can bring it to her? 

I'm relieved to know I'm not crazy, he kept saying that I was in the last 3 weeks with all my questions I put to him. Just WOW after last night!


----------



## the guy

Sorry it went down this why but you do have the hard and painful facts.

Now its time to start living.....some of the biggest challenges will give you the best rewards.

Get your lawyer and file...look into suing the OW for allienation of affection.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

So sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you got some answers at least. You are now out of Limbo and can begin to heal.

I have a hunch this has been going on a long time. He probably has been making promises to this woman. That's why she was so brazen to actually call him AT HOME and LATE AT NIGHT, knowing you were home. She knew that would be the catalyst to anger you and force him off fence, so to speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

PhillyGuy13 said:


> So sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you got some answers at least. You are now out of Limbo and can begin to heal.
> 
> I have a hunch this has been going on a long time. He probably has been making promises to this woman. That's why she was so brazen to actually call him AT HOME and LATE AT NIGHT, knowing you were home. She knew that would be the catalyst to anger you and force him off fence, so to speak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I think he knew I was onto him and he said to her they were done. She went crazy and flew in and called him last night like that. I'm pretty sure that's what played out.


----------



## turnera

What do you want?


----------



## commonsenseisn't

Very sorry to hear about your trouble. 

Consider seeing your doctor to get some temporary anti anxiety meds. They can help take the edge off what you're feeling so you can function better. It was a godsend for me when I went through this. 

Try to see a lawyer asap so you can protect your interests. Many folks aren't very capable of self preservation in times like this so see your lawyer. DO NOT tell your husband your plans at this time. It truly behooves you to not reveal your game plan to your adversary. Read the last sentence again. 

You said this was a deal breaker, but be prepared for your husband to go into full damage control to try to win you back. Sometimes this is just great, but if you are sure it's a deal breaker it will just amount to jerking your emotions around. 

You might know yourself well enough to know this can't be salvaged, but often it's wise to not make rash decisions in the heat of the moment. Be wise. Good luck.


----------



## happyman64

SomethingsUp

But at least you know now.

And your husband does love you.

But he no longer respects you or your marriage.

It is his mess to clean up.

You need to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate his disrespect, lies or cheating.

It is called tough love.

Sorry you are hurting. Just remember not to make any long term decisions while your emotions are running high.

Glad you made him leave. Now tell him not to come home until he grows up.

HM


----------



## dignityhonorpride

Happyman, she said this is a deal breaker, so I don't think she's planning on letting him come home whether or not he grows up. 

Somethingsup, I'm so sorry. Take every day one-hour at a time, post as often as you need to, make sure you're eating and drinking (water), see your friends and family as often as you can. I'm so sorry 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

SomethingsUp said:


> Why does he keep saying he loves me? OMG!!!!!!!!


He probably does, but has acted like an utter cad, a bounder and a rotter toward you.


----------



## sammy3

Op, 

I was in a long term marriage when my h cheated on me, 27 th yr mark.

After he was caught, all he would say was how much he loved me. 27+ years is a long time, and when he realize what he might have thrown away the panic set in. Cheating too is a dealbreaker for me...
I'm 3.5 years out, and wish I could go back in time and change so much what I did, or did not do. 

It's funny, as now it becomes down to my "choice" much like he was faced with, his "choice." His choice really damaged our marriage, and my "choice" to end the marriage. Both of us were given shi**y choices...both of us found ourselves in very bad places when faced with making our choices. 

Like you in a long term marraige, who is it you would go to in the who would understand the pain you are facing the most? Who would understand the most? Who woud be so angry with someone that would hurt you so badly? Our long term partners, bc heading into 25 to 30 years together, there's a lot of togetheness. 

He is facing now the next chapters without possibly you, and that was never the game plan...

~sammy


----------



## BlueGray

sammy3 said:


> Op,
> 
> He is facing now the next chapters without possibly you, and that was never the game plan...


That is a good point. The idea of losing his wife probably was not on his radar. When he realized how bad things were, his world came crashing in on him.


----------



## SomethingsUp

sammy3 said:


> Op,
> 
> I was in a long term marriage when my h cheated on me, 27 th yr mark.
> 
> After he was caught, all he would say was how much he loved me. 27+ years is a long time, and when he realize what he might have thrown away the panic set in. Cheating too is a dealbreaker for me...
> I'm 3.5 years out, and wish I could go back in time and change so much what I did, or did not do.
> 
> It's funny, as now it becomes down to my "choice" much like he was faced with, his "choice." His choice really damaged our marriage, and my "choice" to end the marriage. Both of us were given shi**y choices...both of us found ourselves in very bad places when faced with making our choices.
> 
> Like you in a long term marraige, who is it you would go to in the who would understand the pain you are facing the most? Who would understand the most? Who woud be so angry with someone that would hurt you so badly? Our long term partners, bc heading into 25 to 30 years together, there's a lot of togetheness.
> 
> He is facing now the next chapters without possibly you, and that was never the game plan...
> 
> ~sammy


Do you regret leaving him? Everything you said is my story too right now. Did your husband admit things, mine isn't, he's still denying everything saying this women was just drunk.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I really want your advice Sammy. Thank you for responding to help me.


----------



## turnera

up, there simply can't be reconciliation without him being honest. You know that. Tell him that once he's ready to be honest, you'll consider talking to him again.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Do you regret leaving him? Everything you said is my story too right now. Did your husband admit things, mine isn't, he's still denying everything saying this women was just drunk.


You are in a heightened state right now. You are angry, hurt, shocked, etc. This is no time to make life changing decisions. Even if you have to wait a couple of months until you calm down before you do something that has permanent consequences, that is okay. It feels like an emergency, but it's not. No one is going to die if you don't do something drastic right now. Give yourself time to think, process, and access. You could do something now that could burn bridges that you might regret.
Now is the time to see several attorneys for their free consultations. This way you have knowledge.
If you are going to divorce your husband, it doesn't matter whether he comes clean or not. You both know that he was having at least an emotional affair and most likely a physical affair. You don't have to prove that you know.
If you decide to work it out with your husband, you still do not have to prove anything. The burden of proof is on him. It would be good to clearly tell him that he is to hand over all his account information and anything else that you think would help you understand what is going on and that he would need to be honest and transparent about everything that has happened and he has done. You both know he’s lying and further lying only makes you more hurt and angry. The angrier and more hurt you are, the less likely it is that you would ever be able to recover from what he has done and continues to do by trying to pretend that nothing is going on.{ Edited to add: And let him know that the sooner he starts spilling his guts and telling you everything, the sooner you will consider talking to him again. Further, when you have questions, he will answer fully and truthfully. He will share with you everything that he has that will help you further understand and process. You cannot make a life with someone you don't know or trust. }
Then get to the gym, get on a super high nutrient diet, take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Your first priority is to take care of yourself and be as healthy as possible in all respects.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I'm so glad I read that thread, let them Go!

I did today, he got on that plane and left to go back up north, he wanted to go, she is there.

I called a lawyer this afternoon and meet with her Thursday afternoon. I need to move on from this and look after myself, get my life started again without him.


----------



## Rugs

SomethingsUp said:


> I'm so glad I read that thread, let them Go!
> 
> I did today, he got on that plane and left to go back up north, he wanted to go, she is there.
> 
> I called a lawyer this afternoon and meet with her Thursday afternoon. I need to move on from this and look after myself, get my life started again without him.



Prepare yourself for when he comes back. He'll probably want to at some point. Stick to your guns and don't forget what an a-hole he is to you. UGG. 

So sorry


----------



## SomethingsUp

Rugs said:


> Prepare yourself for when he comes back. He'll probably want to at some point. Stick to your guns and don't forget what an a-hole he is to you. UGG.
> 
> So sorry


I knew deep down when he got on that plane to leave today it was over. I'll do everything I can to prepare myself before he comes back again.


----------



## Q tip

Nuke joint credit cards, separate your finances, protect yourself.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Q tip said:


> Nuke joint credit cards, separate your finances, protect yourself.


Okay, thanks! Will do.


----------



## SomethingsUp

SomethingsUp said:


> Okay, thanks! Will do.


Got it done just now. Thank you.


----------



## turnera

Change the locks.


----------



## Cynthia

What do you do for a living?


----------



## sammy3

SomethingsUp said:


> Do you regret leaving him? Everything you said is my story too right now. Did your husband admit things, mine isn't, he's still denying everything saying this women was just drunk.




Ohhh, I haven't left yet.... it has been a real struggle to sort things out... you don't want my advise... I've been in limbo way to long ... shamefully to long... 

~sammy


----------



## Catherine602

She can't lock him out.


----------



## clipclop2

She can. It is only a problem if he decides to make it one.


----------



## Catherine602

A person cannot be evicted from their domicile without due process.


----------



## clipclop2

They can if they dont assert their rights.


----------



## Cynthia

It's kind of like locking the bathroom door when you want to be left alone. If someone is really is intent on getting in, they will, but it has to seriously matter to them in order to make the effort it takes.


----------



## turnera

And many times, the cheater won't want to make waves once he knows everyone (neighbors etc.) will know WHY he's been locked out. Yeah, he can call the cops to be forced in. But will he want to? In the meantime, she'll have made her point.


----------



## Roselyn

I would consult with a lawyer asap. Regarding changing locks, I would make sure that you can legally do this. You have great strength. I agree with many of the posters that it is time for you to re-invent your life with or without your husband. His affair has the tracks of a long-term relationship.

I'm in a long time marriage of going 35 years. I'm a woman. I've never been cheated nor have cheated. I'm sure that you are hurt deeply. I'm not an advocate for reconciliation. I've read the threads on reconciliation and I'm not convinced that cheaters are that remorseful, but sorry that they got caught and wants validation for their justification on cheating. However, the decision is yours whether to stay in this marriage or not.


----------



## turnera

All that's going to happen if she changes locks is he can call the police, who will come to the door, and make her let him in. She can say she left him a key somewhere; maybe he didn't get the message.


----------



## SomethingsUp

He ended up coming home and I did reluctantly let him in. He is sleeping on a futon, I'm in the master bedroom. I am continuing on with my life as usual like when he was out of town. I did see a lawyer and have the divorce proceedings in the works now. I'm also doing the 180 as best that I can. I'm running twice a day, once before work for 45 mins and again after work for the same. That's really helping me with the stress.

As I'm running I sometimes cry, then get angry and run faster. In conversations at times when we do talk, he keeps calling me crazy and that I'm totally wrong about everything. All I say back to that is your cell phone bills and texts contradict everything he's saying.

By the way, I found out the OW has not worked with him since April, he was forced to fire her by the board he is under. He said their continued phones calls and texts were about her getting unemployment insurance, 6 months of calls!!!! How can he say that with a straight face? How insulting!

SEVEN YEARS of my life I've been lonely waiting on him to come home from work, I am so bitter to learn all this, it just makes me sick to my stomach. When I see his face now, I get disgusted. 

Can't wait to get this entire mess over with and behind me and move on with my life, not waist another minute of my life on him.


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> What do you do for a living?


I'm a sales rep for a food service company and travel to my accounts to do business weekly. It's full time and I'm home every night after work.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> I'm a sales rep for a food service company and travel to my accounts to do business weekly. It's full time and I'm home every night after work.


I hope your work helps to keep you feeling accomplished and productive. Running is also a good outlet for stress.


----------



## Fenix

SomethingsUp said:


> Deal breaker, all our kids are gone (grown), he's been working out of town for 7 years and I've said many times to him this is too hard for me, I'm lonely. And this is what I got!!! Last night was a nightmare, I felt stunned and paralyzed witnessing those calls to him. I just feel disgust when I looked at him, told him he had to go.


I understand. My story is very, very similar. Sorry that you are going through this. When I first saw your posts last month, boy, did I recognize the behaviors, including the I Love Yous. *barf* I am 18 months out now, just trying to get the da*n thing filed.


happyman64 said:


> SomethingsUp
> 
> But at least you know now.
> 
> And your husband does love you.
> 
> But he no longer respects you or your marriage.
> 
> It is his mess to clean up.
> 
> You need to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate his disrespect, lies or cheating.
> 
> It is called tough love.
> 
> Sorry you are hurting. Just remember not to make any long term decisions while your emotions are running high.
> 
> Glad you made him leave. Now tell him not to come home until he grows up.
> 
> HM


Agree, except the part of coming home.



dignityhonorpride said:


> Happyman, she said this is a deal breaker, so I don't think she's planning on letting him come home whether or not he grows up.
> 
> Somethingsup, I'm so sorry. Take every day one-hour at a time, post as often as you need to, make sure you're eating and drinking (water), see your friends and family as often as you can. I'm so sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Exercise, don't drink too much, eat a bit (protein at least). Stay away from the meds unless absolutely necessary.



sammy3 said:


> Op,
> 
> I was in a long term marriage when my h cheated on me, 27 th yr mark.
> 
> After he was caught, all he would say was how much he loved me. 27+ years is a long time, and when he realize what he might have thrown away the panic set in. Cheating too is a dealbreaker for me...
> I'm 3.5 years out, and wish I could go back in time and change so much what I did, or did not do.
> 
> It's funny, as now it becomes down to my "choice" much like he was faced with, his "choice." His choice really damaged our marriage, and my "choice" to end the marriage. Both of us were given shi**y choices...both of us found ourselves in very bad places when faced with making our choices.
> 
> Like you in a long term marraige, who is it you would go to in the who would understand the pain you are facing the most? Who would understand the most? Who woud be so angry with someone that would hurt you so badly? Our long term partners, bc heading into 25 to 30 years together, there's a lot of togetheness.
> 
> He is facing now the next chapters without possibly you, and that was never the game plan...
> 
> ~sammy


Yep.



SomethingsUp said:


> Do you regret leaving him? Everything you said is my story too right now. Did your husband admit things, mine isn't, he's still denying everything saying this women was just drunk.


Trickle truthing is going to go on forever. You will never know the truth. That's ok, you know enough to let him go. I do not regret leaving for a moment. Do you have kids? They were one of my prime motivators. How could I let them see their mother so disrespected and lied to? 

Good luck. *hugs*


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> I hope your work helps to keep you feeling accomplished and productive. Running is also a good outlet for stress.


Yes my job does help take my mind off things in the last few weeks, I did have to take a couple days off though to have a melt down, I just couldn't go out to see my customers. 

The running is helping for sure, I just push myself so hard and come home exhausted, so that's got to be good. It's probably better then punching a wall or something stupid to get this anger out of me.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Yes my job does help take my mind off things in the last few weeks, I did have to take a couple days off though to have a melt down, I just couldn't go out to see my customers.
> 
> The running is helping for sure, I just push myself so hard and come home exhausted, so that's got to be good. It's probably better then punching a wall or something stupid to get this anger out of me.


I can imagine you must be furious. Have you found a counselor to help you deal with this anger and pain?


----------



## clipclop2

Yeah, she flew to your hometown and booked a car and a hotel because she was drunk. Uh huh.

Polygraph him.

What does he say to that?


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> Yeah, she flew to your hometown and booked a car and a hotel because she was drunk. Uh huh.
> 
> Polygraph him.
> 
> What does he say to that?


I had quite a long talk with one of my daughters today about everything, she talked to my H as well, so she knows both sides of what has happened. Here's what she said to me, she said this is the same women you (Mom) were concerned about 2 years ago that you made clear to (Dad). He knew it bothered you a lot and the fact that he has been calling her to this day and her calling him should be enough for you (Mom) to realize he does not respect you period. She said that should be enough and he knows he can't deny any of that. 

She told me I have her full support to move on with my life just with that alone and she said she certainly would given the same situation.

She's a smart girl, I love her so much.


----------



## clipclop2

You done good there mom!


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

It's nice when you realize, hey, I raised a really smart kid.

No one can ever take that away from you.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Thanks you guys, I was almost going mad wanting evidence, confession of the sex between them but after the talk with my daughter, I agreed with her on why bother. Enough damage was done just by the continued HIDDEN relationship with this women. I feel at peace now and can really move on.


----------



## SomethingsUp

My daughter helped me more then anyone else I've talked to and you know what, Her and I work together, we work for the same company, do the same job in different territories. So we are obviously very close, so this coming from her meant the world to me.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I should tell you what I'm doing to move on, I've been in touch with a lawyer 3 times already, went to her office once and I just couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to do, well I have finally. I go back Tuesday AM next week and I'm filing for a legal separation. That's what I've decided to do at this time.


----------



## ButtPunch

Kudos on raising such a smart kid. Her level of awareness at her age is stunning.


----------



## SomethingsUp

ButtPunch said:


> Kudos on raising such a smart kid. Her level of awareness at her age is stunning.


I know! She's 26 yrs old. I've always been proud of her.


----------



## SomethingsUp

So my same daughter just told me finally today, 2 years ago when I was at work and she was here, my H and this women and another guy were in our hot tub at our home. She said she never wanted to say that to me but under the circumstances now, she thought she better. She always said she believed they were more then FRIENDS as H puts it. Just FYI.

She was out here at the lake on the long weekend and saw it.


----------



## clipclop2

Your husband is a bastard. Your poor daughter carried that with her all this time. She must have felt terrible.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Just keep finding more things....

Found 2 separate pkgs of Viagra with some used in each pkg, one pkg in his suitcase and another in his brief case. He said he used them for ME! But he can't remember when. Since we weren't having sex for months, I have no recollection of this.

A year ago I found a pkg of Cialis in his brief case, I was pissed off then, he told me the same story, used them with me. 

He's never had these in our home, only in his vehicle and what he takes up north BTW. So what do you guys think about this? He's calling me crazy again and said I need help.


----------



## Q tip

He's Gaslighting. Means you got him so he lies and accuses you the crazy one. Right out of the book called Cheaters Script.

Cheaters are liars Do not listen to word just actions. Like Viagra being found. Not his lies. You're not crazy, he's a pig.


----------



## turnera

Honey, he's just one of those men who believes that because he's a man, it's his right to get as much p*ssy as will have him. I know many men - married men - like that. And no, they NEVER tell their wives the truth. They're not 'supposed' to. It's all part of being a man. You, unfortunately, just picked one of them.


----------



## clipclop2

What do we think?

Let's try something fun. Write our responses for us. Say what you really want to say but that we say for you. You do it this time and we will like your posts.


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> What do we think?
> 
> Let's try something fun. Write our responses for us. Say what you really want to say but that we say for you. You do it this time and we will like your posts.


Sorry, I just wanted to tell you the craziness I'm dealing with from him.


----------



## clipclop2

I'm serious! Give it a whirl! I bet it will feel good!!!


----------



## yeah_right

What you should have done is quietly take the pills, grind them up and serve them to him in a smoothie. Let his ho take him to the ER for his three-day erection.


----------



## clipclop2

LOL!!!


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Sorry, I just wanted to tell you the craziness I'm dealing with from him.


She wasn't criticizing you. I think you are feeling sad, confused, and sensitive right now. That is completely normal considering what you are going through right now.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

SomethingsUp said:


> So what do you guys think about this? He's calling me crazy again and said I need help.


Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Don't let him gaslight you. 

It's really obvious from where I stand that he's full blown cheating on you.


----------



## Remains

commonsenseisn't said:


> Where there's smoke, there's fire.
> 
> Don't let him gaslight you.
> 
> It's really obvious from where I stand that he's full blown cheating on you.


Me too. And the gaslighting. He's a lying cheating coward and even when caught has to continue making up preposterous stories so he doesn't have to admit it. Even to use you against you! Gaslighting is a very terrible and hurtful and damaging aspect of manipulation.


----------



## DayOne

yeah_right said:


> What you should have done is quietly take the pills, grind them up and serve them to him in a smoothie. Let his ho take him to the ER for his three-day erection.


#WIN!


----------



## frusdil

yeah_right said:


> What you should have done is quietly take the pills, grind them up and serve them to him in a smoothie. Let his ho take him to the ER for his three-day erection.


Yes!!!!! :rofl:

Seriously though OP, I'm so terribly sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can only imagine the devastation you're feeling. 

I must say I'm so impressed with your daughters wisdom - you did good mum, well done 

I think you're doing the right thing filing for legal separation. Your husbands behaviour is just disgusting. No matter what you did or didn't do, HE chose to cheat. That's on him, not you. 

There's no excuse for cheating. You get happy or you get out, but you don't cheat. Ever.


----------



## Working1

SomethingsUp said:


> Just keep finding more things....
> 
> Found 2 separate pkgs of Viagra with some used in each pkg, one pkg in his suitcase and another in his brief case. He said he used them for ME! But he can't remember when. Since we weren't having sex for months, I have no recollection of this.
> 
> A year ago I found a pkg of Cialis in his brief case, I was pissed off then, he told me the same story, used them with me.
> 
> He's never had these in our home, only in his vehicle and what he takes up north BTW. So what do you guys think about this? He's calling me crazy again and said I need help.


He is not meeting your needs to hear the truth. He is going to tell you you are crazy and stonewall until he has no way out. 

Stonewalling, btw, is a number one indicator of future divorce. You can't fix a problem when the persons denies it happened, and stonewalling is a way to deny and refuse and control.


----------



## Working1

SomethingsUp said:


> Just keep finding more things....
> 
> Found 2 separate pkgs of Viagra with some used in each pkg, one pkg in his suitcase and another in his brief case. He said he used them for ME! But he can't remember when. Since we weren't having sex for months, I have no recollection of this.
> 
> A year ago I found a pkg of Cialis in his brief case, I was pissed off then, he told me the same story, used them with me.
> 
> He's never had these in our home, only in his vehicle and what he takes up north BTW. So what do you guys think about this? He's calling me crazy again and said I need help.



Take the Viagra and Cialis and look in his pockets for more loose pills. Don't give them back to him. He will be expecting to have those for his next rendezvous and when he needs them, they won't be there : )


----------



## clipclop2

I thought eye-rolling was the leading indicator of divorce.


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> I thought eye-rolling was the leading indicator of divorce.


Actually, if he does not produce a copy of April 2014 Visa statement by days end, divorce, not separation is imminent. 

I want to see if a flight was booked for that women that I suspect was. Told him this in the AM.

Friday, April 11, 2014, he booked a flight for her to fly from up North (where they work) to Saskatoon. On Saturday, April 12, 2014 he drove to Saskatoon (from our home) to catch a flight to Winnipeg to go to a 3 day weekend buying show. He said 2 other guys went with him. He has NO recollection of booking her Friday night flight, I've got the flight Itinerary and his name on it that he booked it with Visa from his email.

The one thing I can't find is an itinerary for her from Saskatoon to Winnipeg. But he probably deleted it rightttttt?!? I called the organizer of the buying show this morning and she said they had this women's name on the Registrar along with showing a name tag was printed for her.

He's denying all this and I said fine, get me the Visa statement! Nothing yet.

You know why I'm super pissed about this, that's the week of our anniversary, like sticking a dagger right into my heart is how I feel.

He forgot to delete the flight from up North to S'toon! That's what I think.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Working1 said:


> He is not meeting your needs to hear the truth. He is going to tell you you are crazy and stonewall until he has no way out.
> 
> Stonewalling, btw, is a number one indicator of future divorce. You can't fix a problem when the persons denies it happened, and stonewalling is a way to deny and refuse and control.


That is exactly what he is doing to me, the longer this goes on with all the denials, (he's got an answer for everything) I'm feeling a strong hatred growing in me.


----------



## SomethingsUp

OMG, he got it for me, the Visa statement, I don't see it on there? Well I see 3 people to Winnipeg, but he said those 2 guys went with him. No names show on the transactions though. Why would he fly her the night before then to the city he was flying out of the next morning?


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> OMG, he got it for me, the Visa statement, I don't see it on there? Well I see 3 people to Winnipeg, but he said those 2 guys went with him. No names show on the transactions though. Why would he fly her the night before then to the city he was flying out of the next morning?


I think you already know the answer to that. Stop questioning him. He is so guilty he probably can't remember all the lies he told you. Kick his ass out the front door and NEVER look back.
If he can cheat on you on your anniversary weekend, then he is a POS. You deserve so much better and i am sure you WILL find better.


----------



## Remains

SomethingsUp said:


> OMG, he got it for me, the Visa statement, I don't see it on there? Well I see 3 people to Winnipeg, but he said those 2 guys went with him. No names show on the transactions though. Why would he fly her the night before then to the city he was flying out of the next morning?



She bought her own ticket (he invited her to the show and paid for her to get there) to the first destination and he bought the ticket to the desired destination (if I read your post correctly, he had her on the flight that was his, her second flight).

Regardless, he took her to the show. That is the point that you have drifted from and that he has most likely caused you to! 

Aargh! These ****heads don't deserve your head space. Stop allowing him to direct your thoughts and push you from the point. The point being, he has totally screwed around behind your back. If he says no I haven't, what does it matter? You know he has! You know he is a liar, don't get caught in the detail that he tries to divert you with.


----------



## SomethingsUp

You're both right, I thought I had it together after talking to our daughter, then he said he was leaving and never f*cking did!!!! I didn't want him to go up north before, now he won't LEAVE when I want him too!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## SomethingsUp

Remains said:


> She bought her own ticket (he invited her to the show and paid for her to get there) to the first destination and he bought the ticket to the desired destination (if I read your post correctly, he had her on the flight that was his, her second flight).
> 
> Regardless, he took her to the show. That is the point that you have drifted from and that he has most likely caused you to!
> 
> Aargh! These ****heads don't deserve your head space. Stop allowing him to direct your thoughts and push you from the point. The point being, he has totally screwed around behind your back. If he says no I haven't, what does it matter? You know he has! You know he is a liar, don't get caught in the detail that he tries to divert you with.


You know Remains, he even got one of the guys on the phone this morning to tell me she didn't go. I've known this guy for years, I worked with him before H in fact and he said to me she didn't go. Would he lie for H? H is his boss now though, so IDK? That's why I insisted on the Visa statement, I mean the registrar said she was there!!!!


----------



## SomethingsUp

Feel like I'm getting total mind F*cked here.


----------



## Meli33

You are totally getting mind f*cked. I'm so sorry. He is scrambling now trying to cover his ass. The amount of covering his ass he is doing he must have a HUGE ass by now.... 
If he is your friends boss, then of course he will lie. He doesn't want to lose his job.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Meli33 said:


> You are totally getting mind f*cked. I'm so sorry. He is scrambling now trying to cover his ass. The amount of covering his ass he is doing he must have a HUGE ass by now....
> If he is your friends boss, then of course he will lie. He doesn't want to lose his job.


I'm seeing my lawyer in the morning again, I'm filing for divorce, I can't take this anymore.........


----------



## clipclop2

if it was a statement printed from online he could have easily doctored it up. I would have to see either the original or have him log in in front of me. 

he also could have paid for it with frequent flyer miles. use the car to hold B reservation and then transferred it 2 miles or.. Shoot paying for him plus the other two guys may have resulted in a free ticket. 
and of course there is always the possibility of other credit cards. 

might be a clue if he booked a room for 2 in the hotel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> You are in a heightened state right now. You are angry, hurt, shocked, etc. This is no time to make life changing decisions. Even if you have to wait a couple of months until you calm down before you do something that has permanent consequences, that is okay. It feels like an emergency, but it's not. No one is going to die if you don't do something drastic right now. Give yourself time to think, process, and access. You could do something now that could burn bridges that you might regret.
> Now is the time to see several attorneys for their free consultations. This way you have knowledge.
> If you are going to divorce your husband, it doesn't matter whether he comes clean or not. You both know that he was having at least an emotional affair and most likely a physical affair. You don't have to prove that you know.
> If you decide to work it out with your husband, you still do not have to prove anything. The burden of proof is on him. It would be good to clearly tell him that he is to hand over all his account information and anything else that you think would help you understand what is going on and that he would need to be honest and transparent about everything that has happened and he has done. You both know he’s lying and further lying only makes you more hurt and angry. The angrier and more hurt you are, the less likely it is that you would ever be able to recover from what he has done and continues to do by trying to pretend that nothing is going on.{ Edited to add: And let him know that the sooner he starts spilling his guts and telling you everything, the sooner you will consider talking to him again. Further, when you have questions, he will answer fully and truthfully. He will share with you everything that he has that will help you further understand and process. You cannot make a life with someone you don't know or trust. }
> Then get to the gym, get on a super high nutrient diet, take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Your first priority is to take care of yourself and be as healthy as possible in all respects.


Should have listened to you back then.


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> if it was a statement printed from online he could have easily doctored it up. I would have to see either the original or have him log in in front of me.
> 
> he also could have paid for it with frequent flyer miles. use the car to hold B reservation and then transferred it 2 miles or.. Shoot paying for him plus the other two guys may have resulted in a free ticket.
> and of course there is always the possibility of other credit cards.
> 
> might be a clue if he booked a room for 2 in the hotel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It shows 2 rooms booked on the Visa at the Best Western.


----------



## clipclop2

You've done amazingly well. I sure hope you aren't kicking yourself for trying. He didn't deserve it but you weren't sure. Now you know.

You know beyond a reasonable doubt.


----------



## Remains

SomethingsUp said:


> You're both right, I thought I had it together after talking to our daughter, then he said he was leaving and never f*cking did!!!! I didn't want him to go up north before, now he won't LEAVE when I want him too!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh yeah, I know that one too! All about control. What you got to do is play the game to get him to be on the back foot! This thing is nothing more than control over you and him finding any which way to remain IN control.


----------



## Remains

SomethingsUp said:


> You know Remains, he even got one of the guys on the phone this morning to tell me she didn't go. I've known this guy for years, I worked with him before H in fact and he said to me she didn't go. Would he lie for H? H is his boss now though, so IDK? That's why I insisted on the Visa statement, I mean the registrar said she was there!!!!


Yes of course he would lie! All your husband has to say is that his marriage is hanging on this, please tell her....I think many would lie for that reason. Infidelity is so prevalent in our current 'free' society that it's almost normal. People probably think they are doing you both a favour given the correct excuse/instruction. He's helping save your marriage!...oh I love her so much and she thinks I was with this woman and all this woman was doing was ........or......This woman means nothing and my wife is all het up about nothing, call her (I am your boss so you better!). Or just pure 'I fu*ked this woman, keep my back and tell my wife you never saw her....'. This attitude is prevalent. 

Try and concentrate on the facts and never make excuses for the inexcusable behaviour!


----------



## SomethingsUp

Remains said:


> Yes of course he would lie! All your husband has to say is that his marriage is hanging on this, please tell her....I think many would lie for that reason. Infidelity is so prevalent in our current 'free' society that it's almost normal. People probably think they are doing you both a favour given the correct excuse/instruction. He's helping save your marriage!...oh I love her so much and she thinks I was with this woman and all this woman was doing was ........or......This woman means nothing and my wife is all het up about nothing, call her (I am your boss so you better!). Or just pure 'I fu*ked this woman, keep my back and tell my wife you never saw her....'. This attitude is prevalent.
> 
> Try and concentrate on the facts and never make excuses for the inexcusable behaviour!


It's just like every thing else I found out lately, he's got an answer for it all and running me in the ground for questioning any of it. He even accused me of having an affair. Seriously, if I was, why the h*ll would I be concerned if he was at all? I'd be more concerned with my own life and wouldn't care about him. God this is so insane. Asked him why the h*ll he was gone so much this summer because they are short in this country? No answer to that one of course. 

-The phone calls on our phone bill from him to this women are multiple, daily after work from his place up north. She hasn't worked with him since April 2014. Funny, that's the Visa and trip date! 

-He said the phone calls were about unemployment insurance, guess what his cell phone told me. Call 219 (his place), R u up? Can you sneak away (she's married too). F*****ck, we were to have blueberries tonight - Know what he said to that, she delivered a pail of blueberries to his room 7:48PM, store closes at 6PM. 

Guess what, all our married life, when blueberry season came around, it was a ritual for us to eat blueberries in bed after SEX!!!!!!


----------



## clipclop2

That should be the last straw when they accuse you of an affair. What they won't do to run you into the ground. 

You did tell her husband, right?


----------



## sammy3

Remains said:


> Yes of course he would lie! All your husband has to say is that his marriage is hanging on this, please tell her....I think many would lie for that reason. Infidelity is so prevalent in our current 'free' society that it's almost normal. People probably think they are doing you both a favour given the correct excuse/instruction. He's helping save your marriage!...oh I love her so much and she thinks I was with this woman and all this woman was doing was ........or......This woman means nothing and my wife is all het up about nothing, call her (I am your boss so you better!). Or just pure 'I fu*ked this woman, keep my back and tell my wife you never saw her....'. This attitude is prevalent.
> 
> Try and concentrate on the facts and never make excuses for the inexcusable behaviour!


After I found out about my husband affair, I started to learn many of husband male co workers, their women I thought were wives, were really LTA partners!!! 

~sammy


----------



## dignityhonorpride

Remains said:


> Yes of course he would lie! All your husband has to say is that his marriage is hanging on this, please tell her....I think many would lie for that reason. Infidelity is so prevalent in our current 'free' society that it's almost normal. People probably think they are doing you both a favour given the correct excuse/instruction. He's helping save your marriage!...oh I love her so much and she thinks I was with this woman and all this woman was doing was ........or......This woman means nothing and my wife is all het up about nothing, call her (I am your boss so you better!). Or just pure 'I fu*ked this woman, keep my back and tell my wife you never saw her....'. This attitude is prevalent.
> 
> Try and concentrate on the facts and never make excuses for the inexcusable behaviour!


Yep. Friends of MINE who didn't really like my husband lied to me for him to cover up his cheating. People do not like conflict and most are really just followers when you get down to it. 

The important thinh here is you know what you know. Stop engaging him and letting him manipulate you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PamJ

<<You know Remains, he even got one of the guys on the phone this morning to tell me she didn't go. I've known this guy for years, I worked with him before H in fact and he said to me she didn't go. Would he lie for H? H is his boss now though, so IDK? That's why I insisted on the Visa statement, I mean the registrar said she was there!!!!>>

When in doubt, you should always believe the person who does not have a horse in the race. In this case, the registrar. Friends will back friends. They feel it's the friend, or in this case, the bro code. Being your WH's employee makes it all the more necessary for him. She was there. The details are not that important if he is lying to you about that basic fact.


----------



## SomethingsUp

PamJ said:


> <<You know Remains, he even got one of the guys on the phone this morning to tell me she didn't go. I've known this guy for years, I worked with him before H in fact and he said to me she didn't go. Would he lie for H? H is his boss now though, so IDK? That's why I insisted on the Visa statement, I mean the registrar said she was there!!!!>>
> 
> When in doubt, you should always believe the person who does not have a horse in the race. In this case, the registrar. Friends will back friends. They feel it's the friend, or in this case, the bro code. Being your WH's employee makes it all the more necessary for him. She was there. The details are not that important if he is lying to you about that basic fact.


I know, I found out everything except the in between flight. BTW, I called that company this morning, when she said that to me, H screamed at me, that's wrong.


----------



## Openminded

He will have an answer to every question but it won't be the truth. My ex-husband was an absolute master at maintaining "she's just a friend" no matter what the evidence showed and if there was no evidence he wouldn't even admit that. All he has ever vaguely admitted to are "mistakes". He's deeply remorseful (now that we're divorced) that those "mistakes" blew up a 45 year marriage but it's too late now.

So if you are waiting on the truth from your husband in order to decide what to do -- you could have a very long wait.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Openminded said:


> He will have an answer to every question but it won't be the truth. My ex-husband was an absolute master at maintaining "she's just a friend" no matter what the evidence showed and if there was no evidence he wouldn't even admit that. All he has ever vaguely admitted to are "mistakes". He's deeply remorseful (now that we're divorced) that those "mistakes" blew up a 45 year marriage but it's too late now.
> 
> So if you are waiting on the truth from your husband in order to decide what to do -- you could have a very long wait.


Thank you, needed that before I saw my lawyer in the morning.

BTW, H said to me last night, I'm 50 % right and 50 % wrong, but wouldn't explain what that meant.


----------



## SomethingsUp

He's gone, just threw him out.


----------



## Openminded

I know this is a devastating thing to cope with but you are doing a great job.


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> He's gone, just threw him out.


God that must have been hard. But you did the right thing. Be strong... Don't let him suck you into any of his crap now that you have kicked him out. He will probably mind f*ck you some more but be strong.

what was his reaction when you threw him out?


----------



## SomethingsUp

Meli33 said:


> God that must have been hard. But you did the right thing. Be strong... Don't let him suck you into any of his crap now that you have kicked him out. He will probably mind f*ck you some more but be strong.
> 
> what was his reaction when you threw him out?


This is the 2nd time I've kicked him out since all this happened. It's over, he left because I threatened to call the police. More to that story over the first time I wanted his cell phone.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Openminded said:


> I know this is a devastating thing to cope with but you are doing a great job.


I think I've done lousy, but thanks non the less.


----------



## Openminded

SomethingsUp said:


> I think I've done lousy, but thanks non the less.


Emotions obviously run very high when dealing with infidelity. It's a difficult and painful time to get through. Yes, you've done well.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Openminded said:


> Emotions obviously run very high when dealing with infidelity. It's a difficult and painful time to get through. Yes, you've done well.


Thank you....It's tough knowing now my entire future is crushed and uncertain now. I just can't believe it.


----------



## Rugs

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you....It's tough knowing now my entire future is crushed and uncertain now. I just can't believe it.


Yep, you're doing good. Time will pass and soon you will be on this forum helpi g others "see the light"

Don't give in, you are in the right. Now go out and buy some new sheets and comforter and makeover your bed so it doesn't remind you of your husband. Do something for YOU. 

Your husband's issues are his issues and not your issues. Not one person here created the actions of their spouse.


----------



## karole

Inform the OW's husband about the affair - ASAP


----------



## lucy999

SomethingsUp said:


> He's gone, just threw him out.


I've been following your story and while you don't need me to be proud of you, I am! I am fiercely cheering you on! It takes tremendous courage, fortitude, and strength to finally put yourself first. This shows you know your worth and you respect yourself. You deserve so much better.

PLEASE steer the course. You're doing the right thing. It hurts like hell, but it'll get better. I promise you.Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Gosh I am so proud of you!

Stay strong. YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE DOING IT!


----------



## Working1

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you....It's tough knowing now my entire future is crushed and uncertain now. I just can't believe it.


Getting past an affair, reconciling, getting out of a relationship, or getting divorced is a process. 

A lot of feelings and positioning of ourselves goes on and takes time.

Our feelings about what we want change throughout the process.

We land exactly where we need to land. 

Sometimes we land where we can really stand up for ourselves and take control of our future and sometimes it is a place of denial and rug sweeping, and we decide to settle because that is what we are capable of at that time.

As long as we are traveling on an arc, instead of a straight line with what life throws our way, than we are progressing.

Life always comes to a head. Have a vision for yourself.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I retained a lawyer this morning and got the immediate separation agreement done, she's going to email to WH to sign tomorrow. It takes a year for a divorce to go through, but she (my lawyer) said we could back date it to June 2014 when H was hardly home, meaning that's when the marriage began to crumble.

I have all this paper work to do now to list all our assets and liabilities and plan to get it done this weekend on my days off.

I feel relieved after doing this to make the insanity between us come to stop. Thank you ALL for all your support in the last few weeks.


----------



## clipclop2

Does he know this is coming?


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> Does he know this is coming?


He does now, I text'd him and told him. He flew back up north. It feels like he's gone to her.  Now I'm really feeling the loss....


----------



## LongWalk

He's studying the burnt toast of his life.


----------



## yeah_right

I wonder if the OW is willing to blow up her own marriage for your WH...now that he's free. It might be that he will lose some of his allure. He's due for some bad karma.

You, on the other hand, will go through some pain now, but will come through it all a stronger, happier woman.


----------



## karole

Have you informed the OW's husband yet?


----------



## SomethingsUp

yeah_right said:


> I wonder if the OW is willing to blow up her own marriage for your WH...now that he's free. It might be that he will lose some of his allure. He's due for some bad karma.
> 
> You, on the other hand, will go through some pain now, but will come through it all a stronger, happier woman.


Oh God I hope you're right, I'm in so much pain right now, it hurts so much.  I can't even begin to imagine them coming out with their relationship. I don't want to know this.


----------



## SomethingsUp

karole said:


> Have you informed the OW's husband yet?


Not yet, I plan to though.


----------



## happyman64

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you....It's tough knowing now my entire future is crushed and uncertain now. I just can't believe it.


Your future is only uncertain and crushed if you are indecisive and allow his actions to bring you down.

So be strong. You kicked him out. 

Now send him a strong message that you are tired of his lies and will no longer tolerate his nonsense.

I know how demoralizing this can be but remember this.

You are a strong independent woman that does not need any man to be happy.

You deserve happiness therefore you will seek happiness.

Now focus on cleaning up the part of the mess you are in control of so you can find that happiness again.

HM


----------



## Openminded

SomethingsUp said:


> Thank you....It's tough knowing now my entire future is crushed and uncertain now. I just can't believe it.


Every one of us who has been through infidelity felt that way. I couldn't begin to imagine a life without the man I had been with from 21 to 66. But that life I was afraid of turned out to be a good one. Yours will be too.


----------



## needrelief

SomethingsUp said:


> He does now, I text'd him and told him. He flew back up north. It feels like he's gone to her.  Now I'm really feeling the loss....


I'm so sorry you're going thru this...


----------



## clipclop2

I don't understand why you didn't tell the other woman's husband a lot sooner. that guy has a right to know what his wife was up to. 

should have been the other way around wouldn't you have wanted to be told?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> I don't understand why you didn't tell the other woman's husband a lot sooner. that guy has a right to know what his wife was up to.
> 
> should have been the other way around wouldn't you have wanted to be told?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I sent you a PM okay.


----------



## Rugs

Openminded said:


> Every one of us who has been through infidelity felt that way. I couldn't begin to imagine a life without the man I had been with from 21 to 66. But that life I was afraid of turned out to be a good one. Yours will be too.


:iagree:

So mad, worried about my kids, no money...... Very little family support....

I'm so much happier and so proud of myself? 

You're doing great.


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> Not yet, I plan to though.


Good i hope so. He deserves to know what his wife is up. Should have told him sooner. Grrrr, I'm so angry on your behalf


----------



## SomethingsUp

Meli33 said:


> Good i hope so. He deserves to know what his wife is up. Should have told him sooner. Grrrr, I'm so angry on your behalf


Thanks for the support Meli, I probably won't go through with telling the OW H because it might put me WH in danger.  That's all I want to say about this from some advice I was given. He'll probably find out anyways since most know at my WH's work place up north and this is why I left him.


----------



## SomethingsUp

One thing that is really upsetting me right now is my WH keeps calling everyone in my life telling them I'm crazy and lying about everything. He's calling my sister's, our kids and even my BOSS at work. In the beginning I texted his sister's and Mom but I quit that right away when they told me they didn't want to hear about our dysfunctional marriage. 

Wish he would cut it out, he did it even TODAY AGAIN!!! 

Must be his guilt I think to continue this and his anger towards me, trying to turn everyone against me. I guess I understand his anger issues, I just ruined and exposed the double life he was living.

Good riddance "R".


----------



## turnera

SomethingsUp said:


> One thing that is really upsetting me right now is my WH keeps calling everyone in my life telling them I'm crazy and lying


This is why we tell people to expose - and to expose QUICKLY. The first person to contact others is who they believe.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> This is why we tell people to expose - and to expose QUICKLY. The first person to contact others is who they believe.


Good to know, that's what I did.


----------



## clipclop2

Not everyone lives by our rules.

There is a fear for safety here that most of us don't have to worry about. Please accept that I am vouching for the decision not to divulge.

You guys know me. I've got no skin in this.

That said, cheater boy should be even MORE grateful to his long-suffering wife.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

SomethingsUp said:


> One thing that is really upsetting me right now is my WH keeps calling everyone in my life telling them I'm crazy and lying about everything. He's calling my sister's, our kids and even my BOSS at work. In the beginning I texted his sister's and Mom but I quit that right away when they told me they didn't want to hear about our dysfunctional marriage.
> 
> Wish he would cut it out, he did it even TODAY AGAIN!!!
> 
> Must be his guilt I think to continue this and his anger towards me, trying to turn everyone against me. I guess I understand his anger issues, I just ruined and exposed the double life he was living.
> 
> Good riddance "R".


After writing this, do you still think you'll be better of not exposing the affiar to the POSOW's BH?...

You're worried about what the BH might do to your stbxh, while your stbxh trashes you to everyone that you know.

Sometimes after you "dance" you have to pay the fiddler. I say that you let this guy know. If he does get physical with him, oh well. He shouldn't have messed around with this guy's WS I guess.

Maybe he'll think twice the next time...


----------



## happyman64

If your H continues the nonsense have your attorney send him a cease and desist order.

Show him consequences.

Let him know you mean business.


----------



## SomethingsUp

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> After writing this, do you still think you'll be better of not exposing the affiar to the POSOW's BH?...
> 
> You're worried about what the BH might do to your stbxh, while your stbxh trashes you to everyone that you know.
> 
> Sometimes after you "dance" you have to pay the fiddler. I say that you let this guy know. If he does get physical with him, oh well. He shouldn't have messed around with this guy's WS I guess.
> 
> Maybe he'll think twice the next time...


Good morning! You know, the last things on my mind while I laid there last night before falling asleep was I need to just get everything over with, with WH. I have been unhappy in my marriage for way too long and the sooner I get this behind me the better.

I long for the day to have *REAL LOVE* back in my life, I've been so lonely for so many years that I forget what love even feels like. I know there is someone out there for me that will add to the remainder of my life, so I'm just going to focus all my energy into the steps to move on so that one day I will wake up with a smile on my face. That's all I want now for myself, so WH can say what he wants about me, I'm not going to react to anything he says or does any more, he's just not worth another second of my time or energy, I've given him enough of my life and he's not preventing me from the happiness I deserve any more.


.


----------



## LongWalk

Good for you!


----------



## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> Good for you!


Thanks, It just took me a while to realize how unhappy I've really been for such a long time. Knowing now that I have the power to change everything in my life is an exciting feeling that I'm experiencing. I'm even have thoughts of where I want to move to now when this is behind me.  The thought of spending any more time on WH fills me with despair, so I know I'm making the right decision.


.


----------



## SomethingsUp

happyman64 said:


> If your H continues the nonsense have your attorney send him a cease and desist order.
> 
> Show him consequences.
> 
> Let him know you mean business.


Thanks for the advice about this.


----------



## Rugs

I honestly think the worst badmouthers have the worst guilt and anger towards themselves. 

Your husband will not be happy with his new life or any life. He is unhappy with himself and won't get it right until he becomes ok with himself. 

Fortunately, all people can see through people like your husband. I'm sure he is or will become transparent too. 

He's living a sad and dishonest life. He will blame others all the way. 

It's sad to say I have experienced people like this many times in my life in both family and friends.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Rugs said:


> I honestly think the worst badmouthers have the worst guilt and anger towards themselves.
> 
> Your husband will not be happy with his new life or any life. He is unhappy with himself and won't get it right until he becomes ok with himself.
> 
> Fortunately, all people can see through people like your husband. I'm sure he is or will become transparent too.
> 
> He's living a sad and dishonest life. He will blame others all the way.
> 
> It's sad to say I have experienced people like this many times in my life in both family and friends.


Well I know when I'm around him, I feel stressed out, anxious, sad and disgusted for quite a while now. He brings me right down to the point where I can't stand to be in his presence and in turn it brings out the worst in me. It took a while for me to come to grips with this, but I sure did during the last few weeks. When I looked in his truck which he guarded from me seeing it, the state it was in was a reflection of our relationship to me, a complete disaster. It was dirty, unorganized, full of garbage, underwear and sock pkgs. It was like a homeless persons vehicle to me. It revealed a lot to me just seeing it and it revealed to me that I don't now this man at all any more. His truck had a big impact on me.

I also know that he doesn't believe that I'm going to go through with my plans here to end this marriage to him. In reality, our marriage ended long ago, I wonder when he'll wake up to that fact like I finally did. 


.


----------



## sammy3

SomethingsUp said:


> Well I know when I'm around him, I feel stressed out, anxious, sad and disgusted for quite a while now. He brings me right down to the point where I can't stand to be in his presence and in turn it brings out the worst in me. It took a while for me to come to grips with this, but I sure did during the last few weeks. When I looked in his truck which he guarded from me seeing it, the state it was in was a reflection of our relationship to me, a complete disaster. It was dirty, unorganized, full of garbage, underwear and sock pkgs. It was like a homeless persons vehicle to me. It revealed a lot to me just seeing it and it revealed to me that I don't now this man at all any more. His truck had a big impact on me.
> 
> I also know that he doesn't believe that I'm going to go through with my plans here to end this marriage to him. In reality, our marriage ended long ago, I wonder when he'll wake up to that fact like I finally did.
> 
> 
> .


Did the affair bring all of this out, or was your marriage always with tension? 

~sammy


----------



## SomethingsUp

sammy3 said:


> Did the affair bring all of this out, or was your marriage always with tension?
> 
> ~sammy


The affair slapped me out my coma is what happened, the marriage has been bad for a long long time. I was in complete denial!


----------



## thummper

You sound like a wonderful, caring, devoted woman. A lot of men spend years trying to find a lady like you, and he's throwing it all away for a cheap fantasy. I wonder how long it will be before he realizes what his stupidity has cost him? Hang in there and good luck in your future. You can do A LOT better than this guy.


----------



## SomethingsUp

thummper said:


> You sound like a wonderful, caring, devoted woman. A lot of men spend years trying to find a lady like you, and he's throwing it all away for a cheap fantasy. I wonder how long it will be before he realizes what his stupidity has cost him? Hang in there and good luck in your future. You can do A LOT better than this guy.


Thank you thummper for the encouragement.


----------



## yeah_right

If he's truly in danger from the OWH, then is it safe to assume there will be no long term relationship with WH and OW? If that's the case, be ready for him to try to weasel his way back into your heart. When that happens, think about the relief you are feeling now vs. the pain he has caused you.

You're still young and vibrant. Get through this process of removing WH from your life and move on. So many great things await you...and so many great people who will cherish you the way you deserve.


----------



## SomethingsUp

yeah_right said:


> If he's truly in danger from the OWH, then is it safe to assume there will be no long term relationship with WH and OW? If that's the case, be ready for him to try to weasel his way back into your heart. When that happens, think about the relief you are feeling now vs. the pain he has caused you.
> 
> You're still young and vibrant. Get through this process of removing WH from your life and move on. So many great things await you...and so many great people who will cherish you the way you deserve.


He won't be weaseling back into my anything, so much damage has been done in the last few weeks that I would *NEVER EVER TRUST* him again.

His life is a train wreck and I want nothing more to do with it.


----------



## SomethingsUp

About the only loss I'm going to feel is the loss of our home because it was so much work to build it to what it is today. But you know what I came to realize, it now has bad memories for me for the most part, just loneliness and sadness at it's core.

I can make a new home for myself in time, did it once, I can do it again!


----------



## sammy3

SomethingsUp said:


> The affair slapped me out my coma is what happened, the marriage has been bad for a long long time. I was in complete denial!


 So now you have the opportunity to end your relationship in a civil tone, so that you will be able to go on and not live a bitter life from here on out. Have decent closure with him. 

He's a scumbag the way he did it, but he brought forth what was needed for a long time. In one way, he really did give you a gift... as f.u. as it is... 

~sammy


----------



## turnera

We built our dream home about 20 years ago and my stepmother did a horrible thing and we were basically run out of the neighborhood. I was telling a friend about it; she was rich, had just bought the house behind us after living on a yacht for a few years. I was lamenting thinking of leaving, it was our dream house, and she said 'it's just a house, turnera; you can build a new dream house.' So we moved and our DD just LOVED the new place we moved to, made tons of friends; still there today. So I'm glad we moved because it turned out good in the end.


----------



## Cynthia

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> After writing this, do you still think you'll be better of not exposing the affiar to the POSOW's BH?...
> 
> You're worried about what the BH might do to your stbxh, while your stbxh trashes you to everyone that you know.
> 
> Sometimes after you "dance" you have to pay the fiddler. I say that you let this guy know. If he does get physical with him, oh well. He shouldn't have messed around with this guy's WS I guess.
> 
> Maybe he'll think twice the next time...


I agree. Your husband is the one to deal with the consequences of his actions, not you. Her husband has a right to know. She is fully aware of who her husband is and how he might react, yet she chose to take this path. Now they will have to deal with the fallout. Too bad for them.


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. Your husband is the one to deal with the consequences of his actions, not you. Her husband has a right to know. She is fully aware of who her husband is and how he might react, yet she chose to take this path. Now they will have to deal with the fallout. Too bad for them.


Sent you a PM Cynthia.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> We built our dream home about 20 years ago and my stepmother did a horrible thing and we were basically run out of the neighborhood. I was telling a friend about it; she was rich, had just bought the house behind us after living on a yacht for a few years. I was lamenting thinking of leaving, it was our dream house, and she said 'it's just a house, turnera; you can build a new dream house.' So we moved and our DD just LOVED the new place we moved to, made tons of friends; still there today. So I'm glad we moved because it turned out good in the end.


Thanks for sharing that with me, it gives me hope.


----------



## SomethingsUp

sammy3 said:


> So now you have the opportunity to end your relationship in a civil tone, so that you will be able to go on and not live a bitter life from here on out. Have decent closure with him.
> 
> He's a scumbag the way he did it, but he brought forth what was needed for a long time. In one way, he really did give you a gift... as f.u. as it is...
> 
> ~sammy


I think you might be right on here, I didn't feel anything about our future because I was waiting on him to tell what is was going to be. Really sad hey?


----------



## Almostrecovered

I will state that if your source for the possibility of violence from OWH is from your husband and not verified by yourself then do consider that WS's will often try to protect the affair and affair partner by lying about how horrible the AP's spouse is.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Almostrecovered said:


> I will state that if your source for the possibility of violence from OWH is from your husband and not verified by yourself then do consider that WS's will often try to protect the affair and affair partner by lying about how horrible the AP's spouse is.


It actually came from my sister!


----------



## yeah_right

I think exposing to the spouse of the OW/OM is a good idea when you want to kill the affair and try to R.

In this case, I'd say let him go. You know you want out. His continued A will distract him while you take everything in the divorce, and keep him from mind-fvcking you in the process. Good riddance.


----------



## SomethingsUp

yeah_right said:


> I think exposing to the spouse of the OW/OM is a good idea when you want to kill the affair and try to R.
> 
> In this case, I'd say let him go. You know you want out. His continued A will distract him while you take everything in the divorce, and keep him from mind-fvcking you in the process. Good riddance.


EXACTLY!!!! I really don't care any more, the separation agreement is in the works being drawn up as I type out this post and he'll get it very soon to sign. He's a single man now, he can do as he pleases.


----------



## yeah_right

Success is the best revenge.

Plus you can always sic the OWH on him after the divorce is final...


----------



## SomethingsUp

yeah_right said:


> Success is the best revenge.
> 
> Plus you can always sic the OWH on him after the divorce is final...


You know what though, word will get around that small community pretty fast that I left him over his affair with this women, so I know it will get back to her H. I can just sit back and watch the carnage unfold without doing a thing.


----------



## SomethingsUp

What I'd like to do is send her a bunch of Viagra to her home with a Thank You card with a note that say's, I guess YOU knew he had a problem and I feel sorry for you now, here's a good supply to keep you guys going for a while because when I get through with him, he won't be able to afford to buy them anymore! 

Actually, I really like this idea, I'm going to go ask the Doc where stbx said he got the Viagra from. I want to find out if that was another lie he told me.


.


----------



## lucy999

SomethingsUp said:


> I can just sit back and watch the carnage unfold without doing a thing.


Yep. He's hanging himself. He's the one that sounds batsh!t crazy. He's trying to uphold his image and do damage control. 

It's horrible but fascinating at the same time; the lengths these narcissists will go to! I'm a witness to the very same thing you're going through via my BF. She lives in a small community, too. You would not believe how many people have stopped her at her kids' baseball games, in the convenience store, at church (!) telling her they're so relieved she finally dumped her cheating STBX, and even showed her a few FB messages and sexts he had sent while they were married. Gross.

Let him talk. Trust me. There are way more people than you think who know what type of person your husband is. It'll all come out in the wash. It always does.


----------



## SomethingsUp

lucy999 said:


> Yep. He's hanging himself. He's the one that sounds batsh!t crazy. He's trying to uphold his image and do damage control.
> 
> It's horrible but fascinating at the same time; the lengths these narcissists will go to! I'm a witness to the very same thing you're going through via my BF. She lives in a small community, too. You would not believe how many people have stopped her at her kids' baseball games, in the convenience store, at church (!) telling her they're so relieved she finally dumped her cheating STBX, and even showed her a few FB messages and sexts he had sent while they were married. Gross.
> 
> *Let him talk. Trust me. There are way more people than you think who know what type of person your husband is. It'll all come out in the wash. It always does.*


I know in my heart of hearts what he's done, I agree it will come out after I'm gone, people don't care by then.


----------



## Q tip

OW will dump him when the sh!t gets too thick.


----------



## PamJ

<<What I'd like to do is send her a bunch of Viagra to her home with a Thank You card with a note that say's, I guess YOU knew he had a problem and I feel sorry for you now, here's a good supply to keep you guys going for a while because when I get through with him, he won't be able to afford to buy them anymore! 

Actually, I really like this idea, I'm going to go ask the Doc where stbx said he got the Viagra from. I want to find out if that was another lie he told me.>>

It might make you feel better but I would refrain form engaging with the OW. It kind of gives her power to know you are thinking about her/him. Better to not give in to this temptation and let her figure things out for herself.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> You know what though, word will get around that small community pretty fast that I left him over his affair with this women, so I know it will get back to her H. I can just sit back and watch the carnage unfold without doing a thing.


That's true and then you won't feel guilty over anything that might happen to your husband due to her husband finding out. That is on him. When people move with a rough crowd, they can expect to be roughed up when they step out of the boundaries. Your husband is well aware of that.


----------



## SomethingsUp

PamJ said:


> <<What I'd like to do is send her a bunch of Viagra to her home with a Thank You card with a note that say's, I guess YOU knew he had a problem and I feel sorry for you now, here's a good supply to keep you guys going for a while because when I get through with him, he won't be able to afford to buy them anymore!
> 
> Actually, I really like this idea, I'm going to go ask the Doc where stbx said he got the Viagra from. I want to find out if that was another lie he told me.>>
> 
> It might make you feel better but I would refrain form engaging with the OW. It kind of gives her power to know you are thinking about her/him. Better to not give in to this temptation and let her figure things out for herself.


Ya but they both lied to me so much for so long, it would be like saying shove your BS where the sun doesn't shine. Then I can move on.


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> That's true and then you won't feel guilty over anything that might happen to your husband due to her husband finding out. That is on him. When people move with a rough crowd, they can expect to be roughed up when they step out of the boundaries. Your husband is well aware of that.


That is exactly right! With the exception of the Viagra idea. lol


----------



## SomethingsUp

Just a bit of an update, I've now told our 3 children what I did yesterday morning at the lawyers office. It is hard on them especially for our son who's here at home with me now (he came to visit and have a talk). They all seem to understand now becuase I told them all I'm just not happy in this marriage and way of life any more and what I just learned opened my eyes.

I know they'll all except things, they are strong independent young adults. I am relieved it went well, better than I thought actually. So that's a good thing.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Have a question, so after the separation agreement is signed, does that mean a person can go on dates? Your marriage contract is suspended? 

Not that I have any plans to do so but I was thinking about my upcoming Christmas party at work in Dec. I would hate to go to that alone, I might search out to see if I can find an escort.


----------



## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> Have a question, so after the separation agreement is signed, does that mean a person can go on dates? Your marriage contract is suspended?
> 
> Not that I have any plans to do so but I was thinking about my upcoming Christmas party at work in Dec. I would hate to go to that alone, I might search out to see if I can find an escort.


That depends on your belief system. I wouldn't for two reasons.
1. It takes time to heal. Most people are lonely, so they find someone soon, but are unable to make good choices and it usually doesn't work out well.
2. As a Christian, I personally believe that I would not be free to date until the marriage was severed by divorce. People that are legally separated as technically still married.


----------



## SomethingsUp

CynthiaDe said:


> That depends on your belief system. I wouldn't for two reasons.
> 1. It takes time to heal. Most people are lonely, so they find someone soon, but are unable to make good choices and it usually doesn't work out well.
> 2. As a Christian, I personally believe that I would not be free to date until the marriage was severed by divorce. People that are legally separated as technically still married.


You're right, I'm just feeling so bitter right now and I'm not looking forward to going to Christmas party alone. Thanks.


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> Have a question, so after the separation agreement is signed, does that mean a person can go on dates? Your marriage contract is suspended?
> 
> Not that I have any plans to do so but I was thinking about my upcoming Christmas party at work in Dec. I would hate to go to that alone, I might search out to see if I can find an escort.


I don't see why you can't take a "friend" with you


----------



## SomethingsUp

Evenings are harder then the days I'm finding, my mind races thinking about things such as my Christmas party. The other thing I was thinking about is how we used to talk about the day we would be blessed with grandchildren. That made me sad tonight as well.  It's going to be a rough road isn't it for a long while, for me anyways.


----------



## cpacan

I think you can still be blessed with grandchildren


----------



## SomethingsUp

cpacan said:


> I think you can still be blessed with grandchildren


Good morning, yes I know that, it's just different now, I always thought when we did, they'd be coming to visit us at our home here.


----------



## turnera

Take one of your kids.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> Take one of your kids.


Hmmm, my son maybe, I'll ask him. My one daughter and her fiancé will be there too because we work together. 

Thanks for this, that could make it a lot of fun and something to look forward to.


----------



## LongWalk

OW can't really replace you. After such a long marriage. He'll be the one who has regrets. And if he doesn't, then there is something wrong with him.


----------



## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> OW can't really replace you. After such a long marriage. He'll be the one who has regrets. And if he doesn't, then there is something wrong with him.


He's really been gone for the last 7 years working up north, he's detached from me now, so for him, only a small fraction of his life will change. He can just stay and live full time where he works now. It will probably make him happy because when he did come home his mind was always still 100% there anyways. That place is his #1 priority in his life. 

For me, everything will change, I have to move and start my life completely over.


----------



## DayOne

SomethingsUp said:


> Hmmm, my son maybe, I'll ask him. My one daughter and her fiancé will be there too because we work together.
> 
> Thanks for this, that could make it a lot of fun and something to look forward to.


Good plan! :smthumbup:


----------



## SomethingsUp

DayOne said:


> Good plan! :smthumbup:


Just asked my son, he's here at home right now, he said yes, he'll go with me.  (Had to wake him up to ask lol)


----------



## yeah_right

Your dumba$$ WH may not ever admit it to you, but he will have regrets. The relationship with his kids, and future grandchildren, will never be like he planned. He will miss that. If he ends up with OW and she has kids, they will feel the same about her and hate him. Even if he gets with someone else, he won't be "Grandpa". So that will be some nice awkward karma. Also, one of the joys in getting older is reminiscing about shared memories. He will have 25 years worth that his OW won't want to hear about. His finances won't be as strong because you will have half of it.

He may not admit it to anyone, but he WILL have regrets. But you shouldn't waste any more time wondering about that. He's not worth your energy. Your identity as a maturing woman is not defined by being his wife. Once you get past this mess you will be free to explore the world to do what you want. Take a trip, pick up a new hobby, do a little dating...all on your terms and schedule.

I promise happiness is in your future!


----------



## LongWalk

A nice lady like you can find a new guy who will treat you right.

Cut him off but be polite. Never show him more temper than raised eyebrows.


----------



## SomethingsUp

yeah_right said:


> Your dumba$$ WH may not ever admit it to you, but he will have regrets. The relationship with his kids, and future grandchildren, will never be like he planned. He will miss that. If he ends up with OW and she has kids, they will feel the same about her and hate him. Even if he gets with someone else, he won't be "Grandpa". So that will be some nice awkward karma. Also, one of the joys in getting older is reminiscing about shared memories. He will have 25 years worth that his OW won't want to hear about. His finances won't be as strong because you will have half of it.
> 
> He may not admit it to anyone, but he WILL have regrets. But you shouldn't waste any more time wondering about that. He's not worth your energy. Your identity as a maturing woman is not defined by being his wife. Once you get past this mess you will be free to explore the world to do what you want. Take a trip, pick up a new hobby, do a little dating...all on your terms and schedule.
> 
> I promise happiness is in your future!


Thanks yr, yes he probably will have some regrets, especially when the holidays come around. When I talked to one of my daughters, she's encouraging me to move to the city where both her and my other daughter live. I'll probably end up doing that, I think the company I work for will agree to that as well because I can still do my territory from there.

There will be a lot more for me to do in the city and plenty of new people to meet and just being close to my daughters will help tons. My son will probably come to visit lots because he has the 3 of us there, who knows, maybe he'll consider moving there too because the type of job he has (works up north too) he fly's in and out and can from the city. 

It sure is hard to let go though, I have to push myself hard to do it, hopefully it gets easier as each day passes.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

I've always felt that when it comes to a marriage breaking up, that the woman usually has the advantage over the man in the romance and physical contact departments. It's just by nature easier for the gal to find new suitors.

The emotional department is where they(you) my have the tougher time at moving on.

But not to worry. Sometimes the best chance at finding a great guy will come when you're not even looking for it. It'll just seem to happen out of no where.

There are brighter days ahead for you. It just may take some time for these clouds to drift away.

When I first read the post suggesting that you go to the Christmas party with your Son, I have to admit I cringed a little. But then it dawned on me that this is a great idea. Especially because your Daughter and her fiance will also be there.

Family. It's what's going to get you through this until those brighter days are here.


----------



## Openminded

Moving to the city is a great idea. Make that happen!!

As I was untangling my 45 year marriage, I focused on creating a new life. I had literally spent a lifetime with my now ex-husband and had never been on my own. I made a list of things I planned to change. I sometimes review that list to see where I stand. A lot of things have been accomplished since the list was made and some have not yet but I'm working on them. 

It was, and is, exhilarating to know I have endless choices. Start working on your list.


----------



## SomethingsUp

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I've always felt that when it comes to a marriage breaking up, that the woman usually has the advantage over the man in the romance and physical contact departments. It's just by nature easier for the gal to find new suitors.
> 
> The emotional department is where they(you) my have the tougher time at moving on.
> 
> But not to worry. Sometimes the best chance at finding a great guy will come when you're not even looking for it. It'll just seem to happen out of no where.
> 
> There are brighter days ahead for you. It just may take some time for these clouds to drift away.
> 
> When I first read the post suggesting that you go to the Christmas party with your Son, I have to admit I cringed a little. But then it dawned on me that this is a great idea. Especially because your Daughter and her fiance will also be there.
> 
> Family. It's what's going to get you through this until those brighter days are here.


Seriously, I couldn't see myself with another man at all right now because my self esteem is just destroyed. My emotions are like a roller coaster. My son just left and I broke down as he was leaving bawling like a baby. Now I'm just exhausted. 

Bad day so far this morning.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Openminded said:


> Moving to the city is a great idea. Make that happen!!
> 
> As I was untangling my 45 year marriage, I focused on creating a new life. I had literally spent a lifetime with my now ex-husband and had never been on my own. I made a list of things I planned to change. I sometimes review that list to see where I stand. A lot of things have been accomplished since the list was made and some have not yet but I'm working on them.
> 
> It was, and is, exhilarating to know I have endless choices. Start working on your list.


Thanks Openminded, I like the idea of making a list, I've made lists before for things I wanted to accomplish and they help me stay focused.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Omg you guys, what is wrong with me today.. I can't quit crying, I'm falling apart.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I still can't believe he did this to us, to me. How could he? Just throw everything away like that. I meant nothing to him after all those years of my life. I was only 25 when I met him. He had my best years and threw me away at 50, WTF???? Why???

I think the reality of everything is sinking in today. I keep visioning him in his bed up north with her. I've never seen his place you know. He was bringing a bottle of wine when he just left here the last time, I found it in his suit case. I took it and drank it myself the other day.


.


----------



## Almostrecovered

SomethingsUp said:


> Omg you guys, what is wrong with me today.. I can't quit crying, I'm falling apart.


It's natural and okay to grieve but this is one of the most stressful times of your life. If you haven't already I would see your doctor. Going on AD's or anti-anxiety meds for a short term could be of use to you to help you get through this time.


----------



## Almostrecovered

and 50 is the new 40, and since 40 is the new 30, you're practically 30 

You have decades ahead of you and decades of being fulfilled and happy if you work towards it.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Almostrecovered said:


> and 50 is the new 40, and since 40 is the new 30, you're practically 30
> 
> You have decades ahead of you and decades of being fulfilled and happy if you work towards it.


Ugh.....today I do feel my age though. 

But thanks, I have been trying to do things everyday, just today feels awful.


----------



## Almostrecovered

no shame in that, we all have our bouts and battles with depression during times of stress, just don't be afraid of getting help with whatever means you are comfortable with, family, friends, doctors, here, etc


----------



## Almostrecovered

here's a fun list for you

The Sexiest Women Over 50


----------



## SomethingsUp

Almostrecovered said:


> here's a fun list for you
> 
> The Sexiest Women Over 50


Thanks


----------



## clipclop2

There are going to be up and down days. Accept them as a part of the process. It is ok.

Moving sounds like fun!


----------



## LongWalk

I think you'll suffer Alzheimer's soon, selective Alzheimer's that is specific to the parts of the brain that store love and affection in a tank for unfaithful, traitorous spouses. You'll meet him in three years time at some family event and he won't believe that you don't care about him, that you could just cast him aside after so many years together.

I don't believe that the karma bus is that reliable but in your husband's case it is rolling in his direction already.

You cannot imagine how he is going to struggle to repair his relationships with his children. They will never forgive him. For the divorce sure, but for the long period of deception? Sorry, no, they never will completely.

Are you going to the gym? Walking, running, kickboxing?


----------



## SomethingsUp

I have to snap out of this because what I truly want in my life is a partner that really wants to spend his life with me, every day of it and dragging this out just prolongs me not getting that. Thanks for the advice once again.


----------



## yeah_right

You're going to feel bad (sad and/or angry) more days than not for a while. Totally normal and expected. But over time, the number of good and bad days will even out and one day, you're going to realize that it's been a long time since you had a bad day. I know it doesn't seem like it, but trust me...it will get better.

You're doing just fine.


----------



## SomethingsUp

So I posted both my stbxh and OW onto cheaterville, how long does it usually take for approval?

It says unpublished, waiting for approval.

Do I need to put the phone logs up for proof before it gets published? Anyone know?

BTW, it says my stbxh name has been searched for 16 times???


.


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



LongWalk said:


> OW can't really replace you. After such a long marriage. He'll be the one who has regrets. And if he doesn't, then there is something wrong with him.


Yes!!!! I totally agree with this....


----------



## clipclop2

Is his name common?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> Is his name common?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but the city isn't.


----------



## SomethingsUp

The picture I used of her btw is what I found that he deleted using the Dr. Fone program for cell phone recovery. 

Wondershare Dr.Fone for iOS: iPhone Data Recovery Software | OFFICIAL


----------



## lifeistooshort

yeah_right said:


> Your dumba$$ WH may not ever admit it to you, but he will have regrets. The relationship with his kids, and future grandchildren, will never be like he planned. He will miss that. If he ends up with OW and she has kids, they will feel the same about her and hate him. Even if he gets with someone else, he won't be "Grandpa". So that will be some nice awkward karma. Also, one of the joys in getting older is reminiscing about shared memories. He will have 25 years worth that his OW won't want to hear about. His finances won't be as strong because you will have half of it.
> 
> He may not admit it to anyone, but he WILL have regrets. But you shouldn't waste any more time wondering about that. He's not worth your energy. Your identity as a maturing woman is not defined by being his wife. Once you get past this mess you will be free to explore the world to do what you want. Take a trip, pick up a new hobby, do a little dating...all on your terms and schedule.
> 
> I promise happiness is in your future!




QFT. He just threw his whole life away for a cheap piece of a$$. His life is never going to be what it would have been, and get ready for the day when his sl!t doesn't work out and he decides he wants his family back. Think long and hard about whether you want him back, now that he's shown willingness to throw you away for garbage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2

I've never been on cheaterville. So you mean you have to put the persons name in as well as their city? 

For all you know he's been there checking himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

lifeistooshort said:


> QFT. He just threw his whole life away for a cheap piece of a$$. His life is never going to be what it would have been, and get ready for the day when his sl!t doesn't work out and he decides he wants his family back. Think long and hard about whether you want him back, now that he's shown willingness to throw you away for garbage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes he did this exact thing!


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> I've never been on cheaterville. So you mean you have to put the persons name in as well as their city?
> 
> For all you know he's been there checking himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just went there for the first time today, learned of it here. 

Here's the site:

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know

Click the link and you'll see where you put in name and city, Country. Then click enter. I did that and he came up 16 searches. Where we live, there's only one name of his.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I just want people to see who he basically dumped me for.

We aren't a regular case here, when I threw him out, he didn't go sleep on a friends couch or any where to feel any pain at all. He just hopped on a plane and went back to his motel pad where he's been for years and works and screws her. I even found the bottle of wine before he left in his truck in his carrying case. No pain for him at all! I'm where I've always been at our marital home, looking after it and our dog and 2 cats ALONE! 

That's why I posted them.......F*ck Them Both!!!!!


----------



## LongWalk

Give us a hint so we can find it. A word that rhymes with the city.


----------



## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> Give us a hint so we can find it. A word that rhymes with the city.


I'll PM you that okay. It's not visible yet, says waiting to publish? Hope I know what I'm doing. I posted on both of them and put their names in each others so they can be cross referenced. Same story too, just tweaked it for each of them. 

I had to do something you know! I couldn't just let him go there and be free, I gave him 25 years of my freaking LIFE!!!!! From 25-50. No way am I letting this go with him at least I want to embarrass him as hell.



.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Just read the details about publishing, takes 24-48 hours. Can't wait to send him and her the links with their mugs on it. Can't wait to forward it to everyone I know too. 

To be fair, I posted an AV of me. Got to see that of course right.


----------



## MattMatt

SomethingsUp said:


> So I posted both my stbxh and OW onto cheaterville, how long does it usually take for approval?
> 
> It says unpublished, waiting for approval.
> 
> Do I need to put the phone logs up for proof before it gets published? Anyone know?
> 
> BTW, it says my stbxh name has been searched for 16 times???
> 
> 
> .


Their FAQs say approval can take up to 48 hours.


----------



## SomethingsUp

MattMatt said:


> Their FAQs say approval can take up to 48 hours.


Thanks Matt, I saw that, went back and read it.


----------



## turnera

It usually takes a day or so before it goes up. And don't email them. Email one or two people who you know will let THEM know. It's more fun that way.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> It usually takes a day or so before it goes up. And don't email them. Email one or two people who you know will let THEM know. It's more fun that way.


I can put the links on my facebook account and walk away right?


----------



## turnera

I wouldn't do that. Just let it happen naturally.


----------



## clipclop2

personally I think you should remove all references to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

FYI I emailed both of them today a few snippets from the Cheaters script I found on a thread here and the link to the thread to read all the BS. Them I emailed them both our phone bill log copies. I copied and pasted the calls, I got sick of trying to figure it all out and I think I missed May and July parts. But I made sure I had the week of our anniversary and the exchanges between going away for that 3 day weekend. 

What fricken losers.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> I wouldn't do that. Just let it happen naturally.


What? Why?


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> personally I think you should remove all references to this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To what? I'm lost as per usual in all of this. What do you mean?


----------



## SomethingsUp

Let him keep his secret separate life and call me the crazy person now?

I know, walk away.......who cares right. I waited for him though! That's what's so upsetting, I was alone waiting for him to come home for the last 7 years of my life. He was a half time husband if that. That's why I'm so bitter and upset. And now I learn he was f*cking someone else!!!!! Throw vinegar on that cut. 


.


----------



## dignityhonorpride

SomethingsUp said:


> To what? I'm lost as per usual in all of this. What do you mean?


I think clipclop means that you shouldn't send them anything that can be traced here. If you copy and pasted out of that other thread and they google it, they may find this site and all its resources, which takes away some of your advantages here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I think it's fine to put them up there. But to then rub it in their faces lowers your credibility. Just step back and let the exposure happen naturally.


----------



## MattMatt

SomethingsUp said:


> I can put the links on my facebook account and walk away right?


There's an email notification engine on Cheaterville, I think?:scratchhead:

Also, PM me I might have some ideas.

One cheater (put on their by someone here) has 1,947,728 visits to his profile!


----------



## Meli33

Yes, PM me too if you dont mind and we can up the profile views for you. .


----------



## LongWalk

Yes, don't past the link directly in TAM. Just PM his name to folks, who can in turn pass it on.


----------



## happyman64

SomethingsUp said:


> I still can't believe he did this to us, to me. How could he? Just throw everything away like that. I meant nothing to him after all those years of my life. I was only 25 when I met him. He had my best years and threw me away at 50, WTF???? Why???
> 
> I think the reality of everything is sinking in today. I keep visioning him in his bed up north with her. I've never seen his place you know. He was bringing a bottle of wine when he just left here the last time, I found it in his suit case. I took it and drank it myself the other day.
> 
> 
> .


I just turned 50. I know my best years are ahead of me.

But then again I look in the mirror and see my 26 year old version of me looking back laughing. 

You will too!

Keep your chin up.

Everything happens for a reason. You'll see.


----------



## Abc123wife

It looks like they are posted now on Cheaterville. It is pretty easy to figure out which 2 they are. Look at the latest cheaters and see the 2 from Canada. She is up for vote for "Cheater of the Day!"


----------



## clipclop2

don't send them anything. and remove all references to you posting about them. 

start thinking strategically and not emotionally. you're about to go into an economic battle . and anytime there are lawyers involved you can bet that people will use them to the fullest extent. You're acting stupid now knock it off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lucy999

Abc123wife said:


> She is up for vote for "Cheater of the Day!"


She sure is. A distinction I would not want.

Somethings up, I see you! You are super duper lovely. Your STBX is a huge fool. Whoever said cheaters cheat down was right on the money. YIKES. 

Since you're feelin frisky, how about posting on shesahomewrecker dot com?

You're doing great, keep that anger like an ace in your pocket and when you start to feel weak or sad, pull it out and play that ace. It'll help you stay strong.

Your new life awaits and it'll be glorious. I promise.


----------



## Nucking Futs

His shows up on page 4 in a google search right now. Not bad considering how common his name is.


----------



## LongWalk

Come on ClipClop, they're not going to sue.

I don't know what Canadian libel law is like but nothing untrue has appeared.


----------



## clipclop2

yeah it's a really good idea to walk into a negotiation process having completely pissed off the opponents. 

The situation was bad enough as it was. 

I thought we were grown ups here but apparently not.


----------



## LongWalk

I once thought Cheaterville was very vulgar and low class. I think it is, but boy is it effective in exposing affairs.


----------



## sammy3

I do not recommend this at all. But I know someone who had someone spray paint "cheater" in block letter on each side of ow SUV in the middle of the night. The ow lived in a neighborhood where all neighbors came out in the morning to retrieve the morning newspapers. Not only that, they had the car rigged where the ow had to have her car towed to a repair shop, so the SUV had to be lifted on to a tow truck and driven out of the neighborhood as well. 

I do not recommend this, as the husband almost had a heart attack. 

~sammy


----------



## clipclop2

that may be the case. You could also take out an ad in the newspaper. You can get radio advertising spots etcetera etcetera etcetera. But this person still needs to negotiate a divorce settlement. and I doubt you can find a single lawyer who would say that this kind of thing is a good idea. 

Vindictiveness should be saved until until after the actual work that has been done . 

in any kind of divorce settlement there's always an opportunity to get the other person to feel guilty and to use that to your benefit. Harder to do when they have to pay to get their name removed from a website.


----------



## Meli33

Wow! He certainly downgraded..


----------



## Openminded

Yes, he did. But cheaters often downgrade. They aren't looking for better -- just new and different.


----------



## oneMOreguy

Well......did my part to link a google search to their names........also did a quick track down to ow and owh facebook pages. He seems nice but a bit goofy.....someone really should inform him what his "loving" wife is up to. Besides playing the part of a wife mom and grandmother that is....


----------



## MattMatt

Meli33 said:


> Yes, PM me too if you dont mind and we can up the profile views for you. .


PM, me, please when the link goes live.


----------



## Q tip

Meli33 said:


> Yes, PM me too if you dont mind and we can up the profile views for you. .


Me to. PM. We're here to help.


----------



## clipclop2

it shouldn't take very long for you guys to figure it out .


----------



## Q tip

Abc123wife said:


> It looks like they are posted now on Cheaterville. It is pretty easy to figure out which 2 they are. Look at the latest cheaters and see the 2 from Canada. She is up for vote for "Cheater of the Day!"


Got em !!!
Thanks.


----------



## LongWalk

clipclop2 said:


> that may be the case. You could also take out an ad in the newspaper. You can get radio advertising spots etcetera etcetera etcetera. But this person still needs to negotiate a divorce settlement. and I doubt you can find a single lawyer who would say that this kind of thing is a good idea.
> 
> *Lawyers seldom want their clients to do anything that is outside of their professional domain and its tools. A lawyer would never say: "At the hearing today, I saw that the pained expression on your spouse's face. I honestly think (s)he loves you. Why not call up and see if you can patch things up. Never mind about the divorce battle right now."
> 
> The lawyer sometimes wants to win. But since family court is often a mess they maybe trying to rack up billable hours. Of course not all lawyers are cynical. But just look at the Flordia police settlement. The guy whom the police beat got $1,000 of the settlement. His lawyers got $499,000. And this was a human rights case."*
> 
> Vindictiveness should be saved until until after the actual work that has been done .
> 
> *Sometimes this the correct approach. But OP needs a lift*
> 
> in any kind of divorce settlement there's always an opportunity to get the other person to feel guilty and to use that to your benefit. Harder to do when they have to pay to get their name removed from a website.
> 
> *Depends on the personalities.*


----------



## SomethingsUp

I wasn't a good idea for me to put them on cheaterville, I got some backlash from family and even a death threat from a member of the OW family. I took it down today.

And the OW has been calling my cell phone leaving vulgar VM. My stbxh gave her my number.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I'm just going to focus on getting away from him now. The rest is over.


----------



## Q tip

Do what you need to do.

Keep in mind a complaint to the police might help you. Gets threats on record. May help with and D actions. I'd report that death threat for sure. 

A restraining order may help too.

WH, OW may be painting you as the crazy one behind your back. Typical script from liars and cheats.

The truth hurts them much more than you realize.


----------



## clipclop2

I think a restraining order might be worthwhile, or you could just change your number.

How did they learn they were on the site?


----------



## SomethingsUp

clipclop2 said:


> I think a restraining order might be worthwhile, or you could just change your number.
> 
> How did they learn they were on the site?


I sent the link to both of their facebook pages, otherwise putting it up meant nothing if they didn't see it.


----------



## turnera

SomethingsUp said:


> I wasn't a good idea for me to put them on cheaterville


Yes, it was. Obviously effective. You blew up their fantasy. As CV is meant to do.



SomethingsUp said:


> , I got some backlash from family and even a death threat from a member of the OW family.


I hope you called the police and made an official report. Then let them KNOW you made an official report. Do NOT let them cow you.



SomethingsUp said:


> I took it down today.


You should put it back up.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> Yes, it was. Obviously effective. You blew up their fantasy. As CV is meant to do.
> 
> I hope you called the police and made an official report. Then let them KNOW you made an official report. Do NOT let them cow you.
> 
> You should put it back up.


My kids were upset that I put it up, that's the biggest reason I took it down.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I started working on the property statement today, just going room to room. I'm just going to get things done that I need to. The other thing I did today was make an appt with a counselor for myself, I need it to help me get through all of this. I've got no one else to help me.


----------



## turnera

Don't forget to ask about a temporary prescription for antidepressants.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> Don't forget to ask about a temporary prescription for antidepressants.


I probably will, you're not the first one to suggest that to me. Thanks.


----------



## Catherine602

Report the threats and harassment. Were your kids as upset about their father cheating on you? If not, I would point that out to them. You need support not censure. I am certain you have earned that as their mother.


----------



## LongWalk

SomethingsUp said:


> I wasn't a good idea for me to put them on cheaterville, I got some backlash from family and even a death threat from a member of the OW family. I took it down today.
> 
> And the OW has been calling my cell phone leaving vulgar VM. My stbxh gave her my number.


What did she say?

Death threat? Go to the police.

Don't be ashamed or sorry. 

Getting you to feel guilty over it is just a victory for the cheaters. Screw that. Stand strong.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Good morning folks!  I've been away for a few days working mostly on some personal things for myself that had to be done. I actually will be away again for a while to continue with what I'm up to. It's all good stuff though and in the end will really help me.

Just an update, kind of had another DDay again yesterday, but it was the final one for me. So the date *November 5, 2014* will be a very significant day in the history books of my life.

My stbxh did receive a letter from my lawyer stating my wishes on Nov 4, 2014, that's what led to the 2nd DDay for me. It's all good now and I feel calm, I got everything I needed to say out to stbxh and got the answers I needed from him to make decisions for myself going forward. My decision is to carry through with a Divorce. Yesterday got me to a place where I now feel ending the marriage will be the best thing I ever did for myself. 

You know how you feel the bitterness inside? Well I was feeling that to the point where it was making me almost insane until I looked up these verses that really seemed to help me let go of it this morning because this bitterness was only hurting me!! 

God will ultimately have his vengeance on our adulterers. They won't just get away with what they've done to us with no punishment, it helped me to learn this. 
*
Adultery, Consequences Of....*

*Proverbs 6:32-34*

The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it. Wounds and disgrace he will find, And his reproach will not be blotted out. For jealousy enrages a man, And he will not spare in the day of vengeance.

*Proverbs 5:4-5*

But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, Her steps take hold of Sheol.
*
Proverbs 6:26-29*

For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread, And an adulteress hunts for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom And his clothes not be burned? Or can a man walk on hot coals And his feet not be scorched? read more.So is the one who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her will not go unpunished.

*Proverbs 7:22-27*

Suddenly he follows her As an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool, Until an arrow pierces through his liver; As a bird hastens to the snare, So he does not know that it will cost him his life. Now therefore, my sons, listen to me, And pay attention to the words of my mouth. read more.Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths. For many are the victims she has cast down, And numerous are all her slain. Her house is the way to Sheol, Descending to the chambers of death.
*
Job 31:11-12*

"For that would be a lustful crime; Moreover, it would be an iniquity punishable by judges. "For it would be fire that consumes to Abaddon, And would uproot all my increase.

*Leviticus 20:10*

'If there is a man who commits adultery with another man's wife, one who commits adultery with his friend's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
*
Hebrews 13:4*

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

*2 Samuel 12:11-12*

"Thus says the LORD, 'Behold, I will raise up evil against you from your own household; I will even take your wives before your eyes and give them to your companion, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. 'Indeed you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and under the sun.'"
*
1 Corinthians 6:9*

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
*
Revelation 2:22*

'Behold, I will throw her on a bed of sickness, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of her deeds.

*Thanks for all the support again, off to go hard core on the 180, take care and talk to you again when I can. PEACE OUT.* 


.


----------



## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> What did she say?
> 
> Death threat? Go to the police.
> 
> Don't be ashamed or sorry.
> 
> Getting you to feel guilty over it is just a victory for the cheaters. Screw that. Stand strong.


It's all good now, stbxh talked to her. Remember the night she called him at our home from 11:30PM-4 AM, I told him to remind her of that. 

She has nothing to be upset about any more anyways, she WON! (LOST lol), I conceded, she can have him because I don't want him any more.


----------



## lucy999

SomethingsUp said:


> She has nothing to be upset about any more anyways, she WON! (LOST lol), I conceded, she can have him because I don't want him any more.


Good on you! I'm happy you've found some peace. :smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk

Once you get rid of your anger and detach, you'll be able to exhibit genuine indifference towards him. That will shock him. The idea that you could wish him good luck and want nothing more to do with him outside of parenting, will feel great.


----------



## lifeistooshort

You'll be ok. Your ex doesn't deserve you anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> Once you get rid of your anger and detach, you'll be able to exhibit genuine indifference towards him. That will shock him. The idea that you could wish him good luck and want nothing more to do with him outside of parenting, will feel great.


That's my goal!!! :smthumbup:


----------



## SomethingsUp

lifeistooshort said:


> You'll be ok. Your ex doesn't deserve you anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know he doesn't, thanks!


----------



## SomethingsUp

lucy999 said:


> Good on you! I'm happy you've found some peace. :smthumbup:


Had a bad day yesterday, ended it with a prayer last night and I feel awesome and at peace this morning. Thank you.


----------



## SomethingsUp

You know what made me smile this morning, I showered up to get ready because I have an appt this morning to go to and when I got dressed, I put my jeans on and they feel loose on me for the first time! SCORE!!! See there's always a silver lining to things. :smthumbup:


----------



## SomethingsUp

This is my new favorite song guys! Enjoy. :smthumbup: :smthumbup:

*Jessica Lowndes - I don't want you anymore*

Jessica Lowndes - I don't want you anymore lyrics - YouTube

Have a GREAT DAY!


----------



## thummper

You've got a great attitude about all of this. Keep smilin' and look forward to some new "adventures" in your life. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?! In the meantime, let your STBXH stew about what he's losing. :smthumbup:


----------



## yeah_right

SomethingsUp said:


> She has nothing to be upset about any more anyways, she WON! (LOST lol), I conceded, she can have him because I don't want him any more.


Yep, she won the booby prize. The best she'll get is to wash this man's dirty drawers and pick up his Viagra prescriptions for 20 years. 

You got his youth, memories and children. And now you have your dignity...and freedom!


----------



## happyman64

SU

You are going to be great. Not fine but great.

Don't ever forget it.

HM


----------



## SomethingsUp

Thanks guys!!!!!


----------



## lucy999

SomethingsUp said:


> You know what made me smile this morning, I showered up to get ready because I have an appt this morning to go to and when I got dressed, I put my jeans on and they feel loose on me for the first time! SCORE!!! See there's always a silver lining to things. :smthumbup:


Ahhh the good ol I'm Single! Diet. The most painful, yet effective eating plan ever.

Your great attitude is infectious. I'm smiling on the other end of The Internets.


----------



## SomethingsUp

lucy999 said:


> Ahhh the good ol I'm Single! Diet. The most painful, yet effective eating plan ever.
> 
> Your great attitude is infectious. I'm smiling on the other end of The Internets.


Hahaha, single diet? And here I thought it was just a stress diet, I like your name for it wayyyyy better!!!! 

Glad I made you smile, I just paid you back from my internets.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I have to tell you guys something funny that hit me today, my stbxh has a hotmail acct and I've seen it lots over the years and you know how you can upload a pic/av to your acct, well he had one uploaded a few years ago and I was always going to ask him about it and about his pic choice. I forgot lol. 

Here's what's funny, he wouldn't have a clue how to do that, I always did stuff like that for him and I sure didn't upload it so you know who I think did it for him right?

Well the pic/av that he has, it's two horses, a black and white one all lovey dovey standing together. Well guess what, he is a white man and the OW is a native Indian. 

Just laughed about that today, the silly signs we miss.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Here's the pic if it works lol.

https://cid-f3441e3ad986544d.users....atic/MeControlXXLUserTile?ck=1&ex=24&fofoff=1


----------



## dignityhonorpride

So glad to read this update, Something. Hang onto this hopeful, happy feeling you have right now. I am reconciling, but I know that everyone, whether reconciling or divorcing, experiences highs and lows in the aftermath of infidelity. So when the lows come, know that they are normal and they will pass, and try to remember this feeling to help tide yourself over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

dignityhonorpride said:


> So glad to read this update, Something. Hang onto this hopeful, happy feeling you have right now. I am reconciling, but I know that everyone, whether reconciling or divorcing, experiences highs and lows in the aftermath of infidelity. So when the lows come, know that they are normal and they will pass, and try to remember this feeling to help tide yourself over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


dhp, I hear you, I think it's probably best to keep as busy as I can to not think about him. That's what I did today and met some new people as well that I had lunch with. Had a really nice time. The other thing that helps is having NC! So if I do these things, I will distance myself from all of things that recently happened as each day passes. Good luck in your reconciliation, I wish you all the best.  And thanks for the advice.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Shaking here......

Just got a call from the OWH, he just went into detail about their affair to me. He said it went as far back to when my STBXH lived in a house up north, that's more than two years ago!!!! He also said that's why STBXH's house was broke into and destroyed all the time, because he was partying and sleeping with this OW, his WIFE. 

He also said that my STBXH phones for his wife all the time until I caught on to it, now it's stopped. He also said his wife left him since I blew up the affair and she's in Saskatoon (the city) and won't come home. 

It's all coming crashing down, all my decisions to push and push for truth are coming to light. Thank God!!!!

And they called me CRAZYYYYYY!!!!!!!!   

F*CK them BOTH! Hope they live happily ever after together.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I'll tell you one thing, that phone call has emboldened me, I was still carrying a small, very small amount of doubt in my decisions, but I'm NOT ANYMORE!!!!!


----------



## lucy999

SomethingsUp said:


> I'll tell you one thing, that phone call has emboldened me, I was still carrying a small, very small amount of doubt in my decisions, but I'm NOT ANYMORE!!!!!


Good! Because as soon as I read your post about the phone call I wanted to tell you not to let it derail your newfound resolve.

I'm glad it made you even more resolute to continue on.

Check out chump lady dot com. She writes about infidelity and shoots from the hip. Doesn't sugar-coat things. Her thoughts and the comments on her blog are inspiring and strength-inducing.

You're doing fabulous!!!!!!


----------



## SomethingsUp

lucy999 said:


> Good! Because as soon as I read your post about the phone call I wanted to tell you not to let it derail your newfound resolve.
> 
> I'm glad it made you even more resolute to continue on.
> 
> Check out chump lady dot com. She writes about infidelity and shoots from the hip. Doesn't sugar-coat things. Her thoughts and the comments on her blog are inspiring and strength-inducing.
> 
> You're doing fabulous!!!!!!


Thanks a lot Lucy, I will check out that site, the more info I get the more it helps me.

STBXH called me, texted me and he's still DENYING anything happened between them! There are some things I haven't posted about that I learned lately as well. I went through his mobility phone records with a fine tooth comb not long ago, I ended up finding long conversations between them when she was at some hotel in the city over 3 days. I wondered if they had a fight or something, calls were 56 mins, 20 mins, 40 mins, 18 mins and lots of 1 mins all over the span of 3 days. It took a lot of me pushing to find out it was her that he was talking to, when I asked what they talked about, he said it was about her sick Mother lol. I also checked the 100's of all the other calls he made to her over a year and a half (that's as far as the bills go) and the majority of the calls were on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, weekends. Probably making plans to get together.

It just all makes me sick to my stomach.


----------



## SomethingsUp

lucy999 said:


> Good! Because as soon as I read your post about the phone call I wanted to tell you not to let it derail your newfound resolve.
> 
> I'm glad it made you even more resolute to continue on.
> 
> Check out chump lady dot com. She writes about infidelity and shoots from the hip. Doesn't sugar-coat things. Her thoughts and the comments on her blog are inspiring and strength-inducing.
> 
> You're doing fabulous!!!!!!


That Chump site is excellent, WOW! Can't quit reading the stuff on it and I'm related to tons of it. Thanks again Lucy!!!


----------



## lucy999

Happy to oblige, m'dear. She's very empowering.


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> That Chump site is excellent, WOW! Can't quit reading the stuff on it and I'm related to tons of it. Thanks again Lucy!!!


Ohhhhh, I'm going check this site out.....


----------



## Meli33

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> Thanks a lot Lucy, I will check out that site, the more info I get the more it helps me.
> 
> STBXH called me, texted me and he's still DENYING anything happened between them! There are some things I haven't posted about that I learned lately as well. I went through his mobility phone records with a fine tooth comb not long ago, I ended up finding long conversations between them when she was at some hotel in the city over 3 days. I wondered if they had a fight or something, calls were 56 mins, 20 mins, 40 mins, 18 mins and lots of 1 mins all over the span of 3 days. It took a lot of me pushing to find out it was her that he was talking to, when I asked what they talked about, he said it was about her sick Mother lol. I also checked the 100's of all the other calls he made to her over a year and a half (that's as far as the bills go) and the majority of the calls were on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, weekends. Probably making plans to get together.
> 
> It just all makes me sick to my stomach.


Can't believe he is still denying it. What is he hoping to get out of it by still denying? 

What a douche......


----------



## Openminded

I don't think there are many cheaters who like to see themselves in a bad light. They feel there's nothing to gain by admitting what they've done so they don't. 

Getting the truth from a cheater who is not remorseful is rare.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Openminded said:


> I don't think there are many cheaters who like to see themselves in a bad light. They feel there's nothing to gain by admitting what they've done so they don't.
> 
> Getting the truth from a cheater who is not remorseful is rare.


That is exactly HIM!!! He's just not sorry at all.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Meli33 said:


> Can't believe he is still denying it. What is he hoping to get out of it by still denying?
> 
> What a douche......


He doesn't want anyone to know what he's done, his image is everything to him. He'd rather destroy my image with people, tell them all that I'm bat sh*t crazy and paranoid and that's what he's done/doing. Really! 

Some are not falling for it now though, after her husband called me today.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Meli33 said:


> Ohhhhh, I'm going check this site out.....


I just LOVE her responses to peoples stories!!!! Excellent. :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera

SomethingsUp said:


> He doesn't want anyone to know what he's done, his image is everything to him. He'd rather destroy my image with people


Why do you think we tell people to expose the affair? Doing so sometimes can ruin the affair. And if nothing else, it gives you, the betrayed spouse, a sense of dignity and self respect. Which you need to fight his affair fog.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> Why do you think we tell people to expose the affair? Doing so sometimes can ruin the affair. And if nothing else, it gives you, the betrayed spouse, a sense of dignity and self respect. Which you need to fight his affair fog.


I did blow it up obviously, well I think I did.


----------



## turnera

Who did you expose to?


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> Who did you expose to?


All family, immediate and extended, but I didn't really have enough proof to convince them and I still don't I suppose, just a ton of circumstantial evidence that I posted about on here. DDay and exposure really happened on the morning after the OW phoned him here at home that night from the hotel wanting him to come and see her.

My family is all convinced without a doubt now, just his family isn't, but mine know a lot more. 

My two daughters are convinced now as well, my son is on the fence.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I was looking at STBXH picture last night (there's a couple on our fridge) and he's starting to look like a stranger to me, like I don't recognize him at all!??! Is this normal?


----------



## turnera

Yes. You're detaching. Your feelings for someone color how they appear to you.


----------



## SomethingsUp

turnera said:


> Yes. You're detaching. Your feelings for someone color how they appear to you.


Oh okay, that makes sense. My feelings for him have definitely changed!!!! Even when I listen to him talk now, his words and tone remind me of a conman or a used car salesman.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Well, I just finished cleaning out all STBXH's belongings out of my bedroom (his bedroom is up north). I put all his sh*t in garbage bags in our porch ready for his pick up and texted him to come and get it and take it all north next time he's out.

I want him to take everything he needs so there's no excuse for him to have to come here any more.


----------



## thummper

Hey, SU
Is your stbx having second thoughts now? Is he hinting about getting back together with you? I'd love to hear you chuckle as he's whining!


----------



## SomethingsUp

thummper said:


> Hey, SU
> Is your stbx having second thoughts now? Is he hinting about getting back together with you? I'd love to hear you chuckle as he's whining!


He's not believing I'll go through with anything still, yet my lawyer has notified him in writing telling him that I am and the steps I'm taking to Divorce him. He's in complete denial.

I have no idea when it will sink in that our marriage is over for him. Maybe when he picks up his belongings, I hope so anyways. I just want him out of my life for good and I'm doing everything I can think of to get that message across to him.

He's still sending me texts almost daily saying he didn't sleep with the OW and that he Loves his Wife. He doesn't seem to get that I just don't give a sh*t whether he says he did or didn't at this point and time.

(He did sleep with her though, LOTS of times! 
For Years!)


----------



## Openminded

I don't think your husband intended to blow up your marriage any more than my ex-husband intended to blow up mine. I think they both just wanted to cake eat and never thought there would be consequences. 

My ex-husband was totally shocked when I told him I was done. He couldn't imagine 45 years of marriage crashing and burning but that's what happened. And once I decided that's what I was going to do, I never had second thoughts about it. I knew I was doing the right thing. 

It was a huge relief to get all of that over with. I'm much happier now. You will be too.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Openminded said:


> I don't think your husband intended to blow up your marriage any more than my ex-husband intended to blow up mine. I think they both just wanted to cake eat and never thought there would be consequences.
> 
> My ex-husband was totally shocked when I told him I was done. He couldn't imagine 45 years of marriage crashing and burning but that's what happened. And once I decided that's what I was going to do, I never had second thoughts about it. I knew I was doing the right thing.
> 
> It was a huge relief to get all of that over with. I'm much happier now. You will be too.


Thanks Openminded, yes my STBXH sounds like that, he probably thought that I have way too much invested to ever consider walking away if he got caught. He underestimated me and took me for granted though. 

What he did was a deal breaker for me, no way can I forgive what happened. 

One thing I never mentioned on here before because it was so disgusting I just couldn't bring myself to till NOW, I've learned what he did on a recent trip to Winnipeg (few weeks ago). He doesn't even know that I know this and I'm not going to bother bringing it up to him, it would be a waist of time because he'll deny it to the hilt. 

The asst manager that went with him to this buying show told me one of the evenings after the show the two of them went for a couple of drinks back a the hotel. They went outside to have a smoke and a hooker propositioned them for a date. They both laughed he said, then she asked if she could bum a smoke. He said my STBXH then invited her to come in and that he'd buy her a drink. So the 3 of them went in a had a couple together, then the asst manager said he was tired and decided to go to his room (they each had a room), he said my STBXH said he was going to finish his drink and head out soon too. So he left my STBXH with the hooker and never saw him till the next morning. He said when he saw him he was completely hung over and really tired, he said he was pretty sure they got together.

I believe he did, and it's this kind of stuff that murdered the man I thought I was married to and makes it really easy to walk away........EASY!!!!

I can't WAIT to get this sh*t behind me so I can feel that relief you got Openminded.

I got some maybe good news today from STBXH, I wanted to call a real estate agent and put our house up for sale, he informed me that he wants to buy me out, Yaaaaaaaa, that means I won't have to wait for it to sell to move, he can pay me and I'm gone!!!!! :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera

Typically, men cheat but want to keep their wives. Typically, women cheat but do it by falling in love with the new OM and giving up their H. Exceptions, of course, but I see it that way more often than most.


----------



## lifeistooshort

SomethingsUp said:


> Thanks a lot Lucy, I will check out that site, the more info I get the more it helps me.
> 
> STBXH called me, texted me and he's still DENYING anything happened between them! There are some things I haven't posted about that I learned lately as well. I went through his mobility phone records with a fine tooth comb not long ago, I ended up finding long conversations between them when she was at some hotel in the city over 3 days. I wondered if they had a fight or something, calls were 56 mins, 20 mins, 40 mins, 18 mins and lots of 1 mins all over the span of 3 days. It took a lot of me pushing to find out it was her that he was talking to, when I asked what they talked about, he said it was about her sick Mother lol. I also checked the 100's of all the other calls he made to her over a year and a half (that's as far as the bills go) and the majority of the calls were on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, weekends. Probably making plans to get together.
> 
> It just all makes me sick to my stomach.



Sometimes I wonder if there doesn't come a point where the f$cling insult to your intelligence is as bad or worse than the cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp

lifeistooshort said:


> Sometimes I wonder if there doesn't come a point where the f$cling insult to your intelligence is as bad or worse than the cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's getting that way for me already, believe me!!!! Good point. thanks lifestooshort.


----------



## IIJokerII

turnera said:


> Typically, men cheat but want to keep their wives. Typically, women cheat but do it by falling in love with the new OM and giving up their H. Exceptions, of course, but I see it that way more often than most.


Yes, but both cheat cause cheaters suck.....


----------



## SomethingsUp

*For about 3 hours tonight I've been getting these text msg from my STBXH saying:*

"I wonna come home"

"I wonna come HOME, WE LOVE EACH OTHER"

"I wonna come home to you, I have been with NOBODY BUT YOU, you & I know that!!! wtf happened?!! LOVE YOU & wonna come home xxoo"

"Call me k"

"Watcha doing?"

"Seriously"

*So finally I respond back with this.*

Me - "Hey, why didn't you ever tell me you took a Viagra?"

Him - "I dunno ? rite or wrong was just trying to please YOU"

Me - "You didn't think had you told me that, that maybe it wouldn't have been a waist?"

Him - "I tried didn't know what to do?! Things just weren't happening ! I Tried!!! It surely wasn't just me  "

Me - "So this happened with all those pills that were empty, every time?"

Him - "yes, Absolutely"

Me - When did you take them? And why were they in 2 different places then? Brief case and suit case?"

Me - "Why in bags you carry, not just in your truck?"

Him - "Lol"

Me - "Answer?"

Him - "Just samples from the doc & that's where they stayed not in console. That's all, really innocent, Promise"

Me - "But the pkgs were in 2 different places, why and when again? No answer yet?"

Me - "I found one pkg in the interior pocket of your suit case and the other pkg in the side pocket of your brief case?"

Me - "Why in 2 places?"

Him - "I asked him more than once. Just timing. Didn't know what to do with them, just samples"

Me - "When again did you take them?"

Him - "F*ck. I dunno, few times driving home"

Me - "So you had a hard on when you walked in the door many times?"

Him - "With or without it, get it"

Me - "wtf does that mean?"

Him - "I loved & missed my WIFE"

*And then he disappeared, texting done. *


----------



## Rugs

I thought you were divorcing. ??

Why texting about Viagra or anything?

Can you just go dark and detach or are you considering him coming home?


----------



## Canon in D

Dear SomethingsUp, I have been following your story when I can and I like to say I'm sorry that this had happened to you. 25 years is a long time. May I suggest that you don't text, if you want answers ask him in person. He can lie via text, you want to see his non verbal cues. And that's if you have second thoughts and want to reconcile. If you are sure you are done, my view is ignore his text. He can talk to your lawyer instead. If not, you are giving him ideas to plan and concoct stories at his end. Don't allow him to play mind games with you. Stay strong. Hugs.


----------



## Affaircare

:iagree: 

I agree with Canon in D. If you're divorcing, just don't respond. Turn your phone off. 

If you absolutely MUST respond, I'd just say one thing, such as "I no longer want to be with someone who lies to my face. I no longer love you and I am turning off my phone because I don't want to hear from you. Leave me alone."


----------



## SomethingsUp

Rugs said:


> I thought you were divorcing. ??
> 
> Why texting about Viagra or anything?
> 
> Can you just go dark and detach or are you considering him coming home?


I am divorcing him! I have not contacted him except for things I needed answers for such as putting the house up for sale, but I guess he wants to buy me out now. That happened yesterday afternoon in a phone call. 

Then I kept getting those texts from him last night. I didn't answer them, ignored him for 3 hours and then finally responded with that question about the Viagra. Why did I do that? Well mostly to see his answers if I kept pushing because when I found them a few weeks ago, the only answer I got was he used them for me. 

I wanted some more proof for my son who's still on the fence and a few other people that are important to me that he's convinced I'm crazy. 

That's all, I made a mistake responding to him.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Canon in D said:


> Dear SomethingsUp, I have been following your story when I can and I like to say I'm sorry that this had happened to you. 25 years is a long time. May I suggest that you don't text, if you want answers ask him in person. *He can lie via text*, you want to see his non verbal cues.
> 
> *I know I shouldn't have responded to him, was hoping for some trip up or confession from him, didn't work out. When I asked each question it took a long time for him to text back, and I could see that he began to type (Iphone) and then erase and then type again. He'll never come clean. It was a waist of my time. *
> 
> 
> And that's if you have second thoughts and want to reconcile. If you are sure you are done, my view is ignore his text. He can talk to your lawyer instead. If not, you are giving him ideas to plan and concoct stories at his end. Don't allow him to play mind games with you. Stay strong. Hugs.
> 
> *I'm not having any second thoughts, this won't happen again, I got nothing as per usual from him.
> *


----------



## SomethingsUp

Affaircare said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I agree with Canon in D. If you're divorcing, just don't respond. Turn your phone off.
> 
> If you absolutely MUST respond, I'd just say one thing, such as "I no longer want to be with someone who lies to my face. I no longer love you and I am turning off my phone because I don't want to hear from you. Leave me alone."


I said that to him after all those texts. 

This exactly:

"I don't want you to come home here (name), it really is over between us, you need to move on now. Understand? You have lost me. I've had enough of your BS."

Then I turned my phone off and went to bed.


----------



## happyman64

Has your H been served yet?

And you really need to go dark.

He deserves it and you need some space to think.


----------



## SomethingsUp

happyman64 said:


> Has your H been served yet?
> 
> And you really need to go dark.
> 
> He deserves it and you need some space to think.


Good morning happyman, yes my lawyer emailed it to him up north on Nov 4. 

I know I need to go dark, I did until last night.


----------



## LongWalk

From that exchange it was easy to see how he is used to sucking you back in by gas-lighting, stonewalling, etc. He is bummed out by the loss of this family. He probably does love you in his way. But his way means having a mistress on the side. The prostitute in the bar was just another example.

How would he have felt if you had a couple of guys on the side?

If he were honest and remorseful, he would admit to being a cheater and ask for permission to lick your toes. Going dark on him would be best. Let him stew in the sewer water of his dishonesty. It can't smell very good. Above all it is the lies which are disgusting.

Make sure that you get the house properly valued.

Do you want to leave your home?

Remember that if he moves back in, from the point of view of your children he will have gotten possession of the place to which they have emotional ties. Your WH will sever your ties to your family history. 

This may or may not be important to you.


----------



## Openminded

It doesn't matter that family/friends feel they need more proof. He isn't going to give it. 

When I told everyone I was getting a divorce after 45 years, I ran into huge opposition -- especially from my son. But it didn't matter to me who opposed. It's my life to live as I choose. 

You need to tell everyone opposing your divorce that it's your life to live as you choose. 

PS
Tell yourself that every time you respond to him, he wins and you lose because you can't get the truth from a master manipulator.


----------



## SomethingsUp

I'm done talking to him and about him, I don't want to see him, I don't want to hear anything about him, I just want him completely out of my head, out of my life from this moment on and it's not because of the advice I'm getting from you all, it's because I just can't take it any more.

I'm in a lot of pain today, he hurt me so badly that it's indescribable to even explain what I'm feeling right now. I was pushing that pain away all throughout the last few weeks for the most part, but it's here now with a vengeance.


----------



## happyman64

SU

You will have good days and bad days.

That is what we call the "roller coaster".

The less contact you have with him the better you will feel.

Do the 180. It will help strengthen you.

Your kids reaction is normal.

Support them, love them but remind them that the decision to divorce is all yours.

H!


----------



## SomethingsUp

I'm feeling better today.

My lawyer wanted me to see if I could put together a calendar of how many days my STBXH was away from home in 2014. She said that sometimes there are exceptions to the wait time of a year for divorce in certain circumstances such as one person being away from the marriage. She said I might qualify for that and get an immediate one.

So I did that this morning, found his flight schedule for all of 2014 in and out days.

I put it all on a calendar from Jan 1 - Nov 10 (today).

He has been gone to date, Nov 10, 2014 - 188 Days this year.


----------



## happyman64

That is a lot time away from you, the marriage, the kids and the home.


----------



## SomethingsUp

happyman64 said:


> That is a lot time away from you, the marriage, the kids and the home.


I know! Our kids are all grown up and gone, so I was at home looking after things and waiting for him to come home by myself. 

Is it any wonder things are unfolding like they are now.


----------



## happyman64

I wouldn't put it that way.

You had your career but always came home.

He had his career and selfishly decided not to come home when he should have.

He not only cheated you and the kids of his time he also cheated himself.

He just hasn't realized it yet.

He will.

And by then it will be too late.


----------



## LongWalk

Has the threat to safety from OW's husband become a real issue?


----------



## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> Has the threat to safety from OW's husband become a real issue?


It wasn't him that was the threat, it was the OW and her immediate relatives that were. But I guess my STBXH had a talk with her and he said it's all fine now. I haven't heard anything lately, no more phones calls to me. So IDK?


----------



## SomethingsUp

So he came home Tuesday til Thursday morning, we didn't talk very much until Thursday morning. He admitted to being with that prostitute a few weeks ago in Winnipeg. When he did I freaked out and literally pushed him out of the house and told him to NEVER come back here again EVER. NC since.

A real estate agent is coming here this morning to list the house. Yesterday I completed all our assets and liability sheets for my lawyer to turn in. I called our mortgage holder and got the payout for the remainder of the mortgage. 

You know it's so hard to believe a man would sink so low to pay for sex from a women who views him as client #000?. when he HAD a great women of his own who was loyal to him and loved him for so many years just sitting at home waiting on him and missing him. But I get it, he said it to me right after he admitted why he did it, I drove him to do it, it was all my fault, I didn't give him what she did. He told me everything I did wrong, all my faults and mistakes I've made. Well he sure got me back for it all didn't he? He made me pay. 

Well this bad wife, will once again concede and move along as planned...........No more words to say.......


BTW, when he got home from that trip, we did have sex and I gave him a BJ not knowing what he did a night or two before. He said to me during that I was the best at it, I guess I know what he meant by that comment now.


.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Please don't give me a bad time for letting him come here, he came to get some things he needed and had an appt close to where we live here Wednesday morning, so I agreed with conditions. He denied up till seeing him face to face about the Winnipeg tryst, so hearing some truth was good and horrible at the same time for me.


----------



## happyman64

> But I get it, he said it to me right after he admitted what he did, I drove him to do it, it was all my fault, I didn't give him what she did. He told me everything I did wrong, all my faults and mistakes I've made.


And how much of that are you really going to believe.

The facts are pretty simple.

You were there. He was not.
You were in the marriage being a faithful partner. He was not.

Sure your marriage was not perfect but when you have an absentee spouse for that amount of time the relationship is most likely going to be damaged.

He is just slinging hurt now because he realizes his shortcomings as a man.

Move on.

And why would anybody call you out on letting your H come home. You want answers.
You want closure.

All I will ask you is "Did you get closure?"

HM


----------



## SomethingsUp

happyman64 said:


> And how much of that are you really going to believe.
> 
> The facts are pretty simple.
> 
> You were there. He was not.
> You were in the marriage being a faithful partner. He was not.
> 
> Sure your marriage was not perfect but when you have an absentee spouse for that amount of time the relationship is most likely going to be damaged.
> 
> He is just slinging hurt now because he realizes his shortcomings as a man.
> 
> Move on.
> 
> And why would anybody call you out on letting your H come home. You want answers.
> You want closure.
> 
> *All I will ask you is "Did you get closure?"
> *
> HM


Ya I think I finally did, to learn any more will just damage me further and that's not the direction I want to go in anymore. 

I want things to make me feel better now so I can heal from all of this so 100% NC is the only way I can get that from now on.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Realizing I had sex with him after he was with a prostitute makes me feel so cheap, dirty, degraded, used and traumatized btw. It will affect me for a very long time I'm sure. 


.


----------



## turnera

SomethingsUp said:


> Please don't give me a bad time for letting him come here, he came to get some things he needed and had an appt close to where we live here Wednesday morning, so I agreed with conditions. He denied up till seeing him face to face about the Winnipeg tryst, so hearing some truth was good and horrible at the same time for me.


We're not blaming you, hon. We all move at our own pace. You'll get where you need to be when you get there, you know? 

And now you've gotten the information you need to move forward. He was a coward for trying to blame you. Shameful. 

Is his mom alive? I hope you call her and tell her all this. And his dad.


----------



## turnera

SomethingsUp said:


> Realizing I had sex with him after he was with a prostitute makes me feel so cheap, dirty, degraded, used and traumatized btw. It will affect me for a very long time I'm sure.
> 
> 
> .


Why? YOU were being a faithful loving wife. There's nothing for YOU to feel bad about - except that you chose a loser for a husband!


----------



## LongWalk

He didn't think he was blowing up his family. But when it finally happened he then realized the consequences. Without feeling pain he never would have got it.

He can now take this lesson to his future relationships.


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## SomethingsUp

He won't sign to list our house, he's keeping me trapped here!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG


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## yeah_right

SomethingsUp said:


> He won't sign to list our house, he's keeping me trapped here!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG


Deal with the attorney. Let him handle it. All communication from now on should be through attorney. Take a deep breath. This will get handled. Your POS H can't prevent this forever.


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## turnera

Let your lawyer handle everything. Back away.


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## lucy999

turnera said:


> Let your lawyer handle everything. Back away.


Agreed. That's why you're paying your lawyer. To take care of things for you now. You don't have to what a relief! Don't think of the money you're spending. But if you can't help go down that road, think of it as a long-term investment. 

My friend who's going through a divorce at present, hemmed and hawed and tried to be "the nice one", attempted settlement, bent over backwards for her cheater STBX, and it got her absolutely nowhere, except a delay in the divorce. He's a filthy, lying pig. Things are so messy now it's unbelievable.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing. It's merely a cautionary tale. Do NOT believe a word your STBX says. He's a liar.


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## Canon in D

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> Realizing I had sex with him after he was with a prostitute makes me feel so cheap, dirty, degraded, used and traumatized btw. It will affect me for a very long time I'm sure.
> 
> 
> .


You are NOT any of that. You are a strong, wonderful, loyal wife who gave a good time of your life for the marriage. You didn't lose your years to a lousy man, you gave it to your children. I'm sure they are the best thing that happened out of this marriage. Don't put yourself down because of what he did. Do not blame yourself. Do not be responsible for his crap. You didn't do anything wrong.

You are going to come out of this strong, happier with great inner peace. You will do good. You will. Try yoga, take Walks, have tea, date a book, volunteer somewhere, pamper yourself, get a massage, do something that makes you feel darn good about yourself. Remember that darn good feeling and remind yourself how good a person you are.


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## Canon in D

*Re: Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him*



SomethingsUp said:


> He won't sign to list our house, he's keeping me trapped here!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG


You are not trapped. He has no power over you. He forgot this is just four walls. I know it's the memories. Stay strong, sister. Let your lawyer handle it and you focus on healing you and loving you.


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## LongWalk

Don't make any snap decisions. You can always say let me think about it.


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## SomethingsUp

Have you seen the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" ? I'm thinking very seriously about doing that right now.


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## SomethingsUp

LongWalk said:


> Don't make any snap decisions. You can always say let me think about it.


I need a time out over everything thing. You're right! See what I posted above.


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## SomethingsUp

I've been crying by myself where snot is coming out.


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## happyman64

> SomethingsUp Re: Been married for 25 yrs and I think somethings up today with him
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Have you seen the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" ? I'm thinking very seriously about doing that right now.


Ha! Ask Longwalk about his journey. IMO he has been on that journey for half his life.... 

He is right. There is no need to make any hasty decisions right now. Let your attorney handle these issues that pop up.

And just realize that your H is reacting right now. He is feeling consequences for his bad decisions.

So how does he react to these consequences? Badly.

It is a typical response from a WS.

Give him time to let his emotions level off.


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## Affaircare

I believe what you need is a good ol' Bridget Jones bottle of wine and half gallon of ice cream night. 

And you're not crying alone. You may not realize it but there are people around the world who care about you and are here on your thread with you. 

Finally, here's an article about what happens if your spouse refuses to sign the papers to sell your house (and note: it is a Canadian article): Selling the Matrimonial Home – What if One Spouse Won’t Co-operate? | Familyllb's Blog

In a summary and in layman's terms, either the court will force him to sell the home (with or without his "consent") or the court will force him to buy you out of your equity in the home. So either the court will order it to be sold and he can't stop it...or the court will tell him to refinance in his name only and give you a big chunk of money equal to your portion of the equity. 

It may take a while to GET to that point, but let me put it to you this way, SomethingsUp....he can not force you to live there. If you want to move, I suggest finding a little rental you love for a year or so, renting out this house, and then letting the court system roll by. It will probably take the whole year, but what the heck--you'd be out from under his thumb, making decisions for yourself and your own life, and making a space that is all YOURS without him included in it!! That's priceless!!


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## SomethingsUp

Longwalk!!!!!! Tyland????????


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## SomethingsUp

Affaircare said:


> I believe what you need is a good ol' Bridget Jones bottle of wine and half gallon of ice cream night.
> 
> And you're not crying alone. You may not realize it but there are people around the world who care about you and are here on your thread with you.
> 
> Finally, here's an article about what happens if your spouse refuses to sign the papers to sell your house (and note: it is a Canadian article): Selling the Matrimonial Home – What if One Spouse Won’t Co-operate? | Familyllb's Blog
> 
> In a summary and in layman's terms, either the court will force him to sell the home (with or without his "consent") or the court will force him to buy you out of your equity in the home. So either the court will order it to be sold and he can't stop it...or the court will tell him to refinance in his name only and give you a big chunk of money equal to your portion of the equity.
> 
> It may take a while to GET to that point, but let me put it to you this way, SomethingsUp....he can not force you to live there. If you want to move, I suggest finding a little rental you love for a year or so, renting out this house, and then letting the court system roll by. It will probably take the whole year, but what the heck--you'd be out from under his thumb, making decisions for yourself and your own life, and making a space that is all YOURS without him included in it!! That's priceless!!


Wow! thank you so much for this information! I appreciate it so much, I bookmarked it to show my lawyer.

BTW, when he didn't want to come here to meet with the realtor and I, we got everything done between us (my realtor is a women well know where we live). We hurried fast so I could drive like a maniac to find him at the airport before he flew out. I was already, pen and contract in hand at the airport, saw him pull up, got out of my vehicle and he saw me. I walked to his and got into the passenger seat, told him I needed his signature. He refused, wouldn't budge, would not do it at all. I got angry, and cried everything, he didn't give a f*ck. He said NO, not till he gets back is what he said. I have no idea when that will be. He also showed me a business card and said he saw a mortgage broker, said he's wanting to buy me out.

I finally had to leave, I was getting no where, while all this was going on, me upset, he was eating take out and kept eating. He didn't give two sh*ts how upset I was, zero nothing. I have complete HATE for this man. I didn't know him at all! He flew away, I drove away back to my lonely place here at the lake. I now feel like a prisoner of his. 

Then as I drove home, he called my cell, know what he said, "I Love YOU". OMG, God help me.

He also said to me that I forgot to mention when I was in his vehicle, when he admitted to being with the prostitute, he said he said "YES" he was only to see my reaction to that. He said he lied and it wasn't true!!!!!! WTF??????????????

He did the same thing to me about that women he worked with, said "He F8CKED her" a half our later, said he lied, said it because that's what I wanted to hear. 

Dear God help me I pray.


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## SomethingsUp

He's trying to drive me insane.


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## Cynthia

SomethingsUp said:


> He's trying to drive me insane.


Or make you think you are crazy so he can control you. Don't believe it. You are obviously not crazy.


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## Openminded

He thinks he can spin his way out. He's probably had success before. You have to put yourself in the power position. Otherwise, he'll continue to control the process. Tell yourself he's not going to win this time. That's what I did. Every time I felt discouraged I repeated "He won't win this time". 

I must have told myself that a million times. And my now ex-husband didn't. Your husband won't either.


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## SomethingsUp

I've been also doing some reading on that CL site and somebody posted this article:

http://www.heartless-*****es.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

I could relate to so much in this sadly.

Won't post.

Most people have had it happen: at some point in our lives we find ourselves manipulated or "guilted" into doing something we didn't want to do. We end up angry at ourselves for caving in, and resenting the other person for pressuring us. However there are other kinds of emotional manipulation - covert abusive and hurtful techniques that even the most stalwart Heartless ***** can fall prey to, that undermine a person's self-confidence, and may even make you feel like you are going crazy. The thing is, while true Heartless *****es would NEVER tolerate physical abuse, they can get blindsided by emotional abuse, and not even realize it's happening - especially if it is coming from someone they trust and love. Like physical abuse, emotional abuse becomes a vicious circle that chips away at your self-confidence, making it harder and harder to leave. If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you.

Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time. The longer a woman remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her actions and her beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make her believe that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore acceptable. It is true, that only through her actions can she make it stop - she must have the courage to leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.

Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues - not because of anything their partner did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into self-loathing, and further into a cycle of abusive behavior.

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However, it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no *successful* theraputic intervention, MEN from abusive families become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS".


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## SomethingsUp

Con't....

Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and others, and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not safe people - even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather than face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves and the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological warfare. The bottom line, is that you can't trust an abuser, the same way you can't trust the married man who is having an affair and keeps promising to leave his wife.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

It can leave the woman wondering if the pain is worth the good times, and even wondering if this is as good as it gets? What if there isn't anything better? When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You don't have to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts are. And of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that you are overreacting, or "too sensitive", so it adds to the confusion and hurt that you may feel.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont.......

What are the signs and symptoms of Emotional Abuse?

A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that harms them that keeps the woman confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of "apology" jewellery, or a closet full of "apology" clothes?

One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice", helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.

Abusers play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition of the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell her about the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn't find them "funny". He may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was "all in fun" and that no harm was meant by the "joking".


----------



## SomethingsUp

Cont........

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly - sometimes it can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that household things are contributing to his unhappiness and bad temper.

An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will "encourage" her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her, every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt, trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.

The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic. If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgemental, or needy. Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours.

And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will likely punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you, sulking, disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving the party or function without notifying you.

Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in "punishing" the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind, the partner or household member "deserves" it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont......

Emotional abusers may use punishment tactics like leaving (without a word to you), a party or function that you both went to. They will have socially plausible, pathos-laden excuses for their unannounced departure, like they couldn't find you, or they were tired and wanted to go home. However, the REAL reason they left without a word, was to punish you; to wind you up, to get you worried about them, and ultimately, to have you feel guilty for not paying enough attention to them. When you confront an abuser on the concept of COURTESY around these sorts of things, the abuser will either apologize weakly, (but the damage has been done), or insist that your distress over his behavior is overreacting.

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on time", or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you." All are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be your weaknesses.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends. He may find them "boring". You may find yourself caught in a double-bind where he "encourages" you to go out with *your* friends, refusing any invitation to participate, but then mopes that you never spend enough time with HIM. Over time, you may find yourself isolated from your friends by virtue of the demands on your time that he makes. You may also find him VERY upset if he finds out that you have been talking to a close friend or family member about him and/or your relationship with him - especially if that person is likely to tell you he's behaving like an ass.

One emotional abuser went so far as to "set up" his wife so that she would isolate herself. He did it by "reminding" her of her "shyness", and how socially backward she was. He did this under the guise of "being sensitive" to her and the areas she "needed to work on". Then he would offer to "help" her by suggesting she come along to a party or social function with him. Prior to the function he would again "help" her by briefing her on people attending the party, so that she could "have something to talk about" with them. As part of his tactic, he told his wife distortions or half-truths so that she would make social faux-pas at the function. If she ever questioned him, he would insist that SHE must have heard him wrong, and it must have been HER nervousness that made her forget or screw up. The man was a "pillar of the community", so to his friends, she looked like a bumbling (and even insensitive) fool, and they "couldn't figure out why a man like him was with a woman like HER." Combined with his subtle denigration of her friends and family, she gradually isolated herself by not attending social functions, and cutting off relationships with her support network.

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget" significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that promise will hurt her. He may also "forget" things so that he can let her know that things that are important to her are NOT important to him. This tactic can take the form of making a special dinner for her, containing shrimp when he has known for years that she is allergic to shellfish, so she can't eat it, or buying a feather comforter for their bed, when he knows she is allergic to feathers. He will claim that his lapse was due to "forgetting", when in fact, it was a passive-aggressive ploy to trick the partner into believing he was doing "something nice", get her hopes up, and then bring her down with the fact that she could not enjoy this "gift" of his after all... It is a passive-aggressive slap-in-the-face.

Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.


----------



## SomethingsUp

Cont..........

* The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner.*

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made.

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her.

Emotional abuse can take the form of him insisting that she isn't spending enough time with him, forcing her to "prove her love" by booking extra time and adjusting her life and her schedule around him, so that he can then reject any suggestions she has for activities, and act disinterested when they do have time together.

When she tries to make plans with him, the abuser will remind her in a condescending way of how poor she is at planning and how he doesn't believe that the plans will work out. Over time, comments like this insidiously undermine her self-confidence, by telling repeatedly that she is untrustworthy. Her untrustworthiness becomes yet another excuse for him to "punish" her with abusive language or actions.

Another emotional abuse tactic is to reject activities that she suggests and then do them with other people - letting her know that he is doing them with other people - establishing control and implying that she is not worthy of doing the activities with him, but other people are.

An emotional abuser will often use condescension as an effective tool in manipulating and hurting his partner. In expressing his own internal anger, he targets his partner. But because she has done nothing to "deserve" his anger at this point (or any point!), he may be rude, brutally inconsiderate, condescending, patronizing, or even use the "silent treatment" to get her upset or angry. When his partner gets upset, and an argument ensues, he can then express his anger at her, and blame the fact that she "got angry" at him, for the whole argument - even though HE started it. Don't let him convince you that your anger at his disrespect and emotional cruelty, is somehow wrong or abusive to him. That is part of his control and escalating cycle of abuse technique.

As part of this "control" technique, the abuser may "set up" his partner, pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control by breaking down in tears or getting angry or yelling. If you raise your voice, he will insist that YOU are the abuser. Don't buy it, and don't believe it. While there might be better ways to handle the situation, (more easily enacted if you weren't emotionally involved with this person), chances are that he has inflicted so much psychological warfare that you have been backed into an emotional corner, and are reacting in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

One of the more subtle but effective ways an abuser can "wind" his partner up is by invalidating/rejecting/showing no compassion for the feelings of his partner - especially in conjunction with a deliberate act of malice that was designed to upset or hurt the partner. He will claim the act was either "accidental" or intended to help the partner. He will try to tell his partner that it is NOT OK to feel angry or hurt or upset by his actions - or that if she DOES feel those things, her "feelings are her own" - that he has no responsibility towards repairing any emotional damage he may have caused. As part of this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying he "takes responsibility" for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything to make restitution he will use the word "blame" as if it is a dirty word, and accuse her of trying to lay "blame" on him for his actions. This is the functional equivalent of someone using a board to "fan" you and when he "accidentally" hits you over the head, telling you that he was just trying to HELP and that if you feel PAIN, well, your feelings are your own, and he can't be responsible for YOUR feelings, and there is nothing HE can do about it now... Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and they don't repeatedly make the same "mistakes" over and over with their partners.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont...........

The flip side of this, of course, is that emotional abusers want to reap the emotional rewards for being nice and doing "good" things for their partners - they want the affirmation, appreciation and attention they feel they deserve when they do something positive for a partner.

The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one can make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad. But very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality disorder), can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care deeply for. Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love and be able to "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To disconnect yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from feeling love and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting them your trust as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and honor your love. If someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not wrong for trusting - THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to hurt you.

Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not.

Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack, any sign of "guilty" feelings or weakness in a partner is like blood in the water for sharks, when it comes to abusers. Of course, according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by changing HER behavior.

If caught in a lie or exposed in a situation where he can't immediately manipulate his partner into taking the rap, he may try to go for the sympathy ploy, in an attempt deflect the situation away from his bad behavior. For example, one abuser caught in the middle of a lie, blamed his lie on "bad memory", almost started crying, and began bemoaning what he would do if his memory was going, because his whole job depended on being able to remember lots of details. All of a sudden, the situation turned from him being caught in a lie, to his partner being expected to feel sorry for him because of his "bad memory"... Other deflection techniques he may use when his behavior is exposed, are:

-to bring up stories of childhood/parental abuse (watch these, they are the same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you may see that his behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...)
-to bring up troubles and things bothering him at work
-to bring up his hurt and "pain" over something YOU did ages ago, and have long-since paid for.
-"missing" a grown child who has left the home, or children he abandoned and his former partner "won't let him" visit (big wonder why...).

If you DO manage to get an abuser to a relationship counsellor, (something many abusers will insist you two don't need - he'll insist that you "can work things out yourselves..."), the abuser will work to ensure that the counsellor sees HIM as the mistreated partner, or at the very least, that his behaviors are one-time incidents rooted in just cause. These kinds of emotional abusers are often highly intelligent and manipulative. They will manipulate and lie to the counsellor, pinning the onus back on YOU to change your behavior for HIM. You may find it very frustrating and difficult. Even if he can't avoid having his trust-breaking behavior exposed, he may find a way to manipulate the situation so that his "reasons" for breaking trust were because of YOUR inability to meet his needs. Beware. Sometimes counsellors buy into that stuff, and you end up getting a double-whammy.

Emotional abusers will hide their abuse in acts that they can claim were done to "try and help" their partner. For example, taking a partner's kids away camping for the weekend, ostensibly, "to give her some time off", but without phoning and checking with her first, "forgetting" she had made plans with them already, and deliberately making sure the kids didn't have time to pack up and be properly equipped. This is designed to get her upset, but have it look like, on the surface, he was "just trying to be helpful and she got upset at me." Similarly, an abuser might do some of your laundry "as a favor" to you, without your asking, and then shrink or stain your clothes. When you get upset about the fact that not only did he do this without asking, but it caused damage, an abuser will imply that your anger is invalid and unwarranted, that you are ungrateful, (he was just trying to help!), and that there is nothing he can do about it now. The abuser learns and goes for the most sensitive "buttons" on his partner, so that he can get a response out of her. The abuser seeks ways to violate her boundaries through calculated "acts of kindess", and may resort to using her children, her personal belongings, her friends, or her personal space as tools.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont........

In addition to favors which cause damage, the emotional abuser may do legitimately helpful "favors" for his partner, but again, ones that the partner never asked for. The problem is that the abuser never gives freely or unconditionally. He expects some kind of recompense in return, often without stating what that expectation is. This then gives him another opportunity to feel justified in punishing his partner when she doesn't live up to his unstated expectations of gratitude and reciprocation. When his partner stands up for herself, you may hear him using phrases like, "everything I did, I did for her", and "after all I did for her, THIS is how she treats me!". Abusers will often complain (especially to others outside the relationship) about how unappreciated they are/were, and how they gave and gave and gave, and got so little in return...

Another destabilizing tactic that the abuser may use is to reneg on a committment, or on a stated belief, catching you off-guard, possibly even putting you in a position where he can accuse you of "hurting" him because you didn't know his beliefs/principles/goals had changed. He will use the excuse that he "changed his mind" as a tool for keeping you off-balance. If you question his about-face, he will accuse you of not allowing him the right to change his mind. While people legitimately DO change their minds about things, abusers will do it often, and without warning, with maximum rug-yanking effect for their partners.

Emotional abusers will use the "mind change" tactic to set a partner up in a no-win situation. No matter what the partner does, the abuser will find a way to find fault with it - if the cat craps on his bed and she doesn't clean it up, she is uncaring and selfish. If she DOES clean it up, then she was invading his personal space.

Emotional abusers encourage their partners to do "self-indulgent" things that the abuser will later resent them for. It may be as simple as encouraging her to go out dancing with her friends, or to go visit her mother, or it may be as serious as encouraging her to take a job or go back to school. In many cases, his "encouragement" is part of the "if she really loves me" test - if she does what he encourages her to do, she is diverting her attention from him, and he will feel justified in hurting her as a result.

Once someone starts to detach from an abuser and refuses to play the games, he may go for the sympathy ploy. If his partner doesn't capitulate and refuses to pander to his emotional blackmail, she will be accused of being cold and heartless, in the hopes that THIS escalation of emotional blackmail will hurt her further.

Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends. The abuser may claim that this is just different "facets" of his personality, but in fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personnas to suit the situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It belies huge insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are with in order to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity of the typical abuser.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont.........

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship.

Because abuse is about power and control, the abuser will often try to become "buddies" or friends with his partner's closest friends. If her female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to. Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel sorry for him. He will play up the "sensitive guy" role. If he can cozy up to her best friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly what the abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he can, he may even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of her friends, or become pals with one or more of her former friends as another way to hurt and attempt to shame her. As much as possible, he will perpetrate this behavior in front of his partner, so that he is exhibiting his control - going for maximum hurt to her through a blatant display of compassionless disrespect.

The emotional abuser often plays pushme-pullyou. He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again. He may even use sex as a weapon against her - by telling her that she isn't paying enough attention to him, spending enough time with him, or isn't initiating sex enough, but then will reject her advances when she tries to initiate.

Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions.

Abusers are self-righteous. They find ways to justify their behavior. As a result, he always focuses on her problems, and insists that she change to make the relationship better.

Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will only do the same thing again. They know this, and will even try to make it seem like any expectation of an apology is really an attempt to "blame" them. (Again, "blame" being that dirty word). For example, "You just want me to say I'm sorry and promise I'll never do it again, so that when I screw up again, you can point a finger and blame me and get angry with me and say, "See? You did it again and you promised you wouldn't!"" This is called "projection" - abusers do it all the time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and try to make it their partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is somehow wrong or attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign of compassion and remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the behavior problem.

If you do get an apology out of an abuser, it is a quick-fix, not a long-term solution, because they will do the same behavior over again - that is why they are often so resistant to apologizing and saying that they will work on the behavior - because they KNOW they will repeat it at another time.

Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature. At the time you may think that this is some kind of indication of a willingness to work on their past problems, or that somehow it will be different for you. In fact, what they are looking for is absolution in advance for behavior they will later inflict on you. They may even go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am."

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont........

Emotional abusers may do seemingly loving, kind and considerate things, that actually convey a subtle message that you aren't "perfect", that you aren't quite good enough. For example, it may seem very sweet that he rubs cream into your hands before bed, but then you remember that he also didn't like you touching him if your hands were the least bit dry or rough - it "hurt" his skin, so you always had to have hand cream to make your hands soft before you touched him. Sadly, the REAL message behind the seemingly loving act of rubbing cream in your hands is that you aren't perfect, you aren't living up to his needs and expectations, NOT that he loves you... In their own subversive way, these "messages", couched in "loving" acts, eat away and erode your sense of self-worth.

Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get.

In order to gain sympathy, the abuser will share convincing stories of his burdens, including stories of how he was abused as a child, or how he witnessed his mother being assaulted by his father.

An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed ******* - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed ******* mode ("I was just doing something for *me*. I'm tired of you making me feel bad about myself."). However, that "something" often winds up breaking a relationship agreement, a promise, or involves him being condescending, ignoring, or rude.

An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, "after all the things I did for her"... The emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries at social functions.

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where he is living. His move into her neighborhood will be "justified" by him for some specious reason, but the reality is, he can't let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, or on a walk. He is, in effect, pissing on her boundaries (something abusers have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin dating someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by her house, or park his car nearby.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable. He will make statements such as saying that he "bears her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries or her requests for him to stay away from her. The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her - he does care - about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.


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## SomethingsUp

Cont.........

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn't loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

*People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior in this article, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.

Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.*


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## SomethingsUp

I hired a lawyer to handle things for me, she must work now because I deal with the above.


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## thummper

Wow, SU!!! I think that's the longest post I've seen since joining TAM. One would think that the topic is important to you.  I've said it before, you sound like a fantastic lady. Your hubby is an idiot!


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## Affaircare

SomethingsUp, 

That is some GREAT stuff! I'm so glad you found it because now you know that it's not you. Okay none of us here are saying you are blameless or perfect, but rather we are saying that yep you may have some things of your own to work on, but you're not insane. You are seeing this clearly and you are absolutely 100% dealing with an abuser.


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## Mr Right

Good Post SomethingsUp, but why do these kind of posts that are made to help the person being "Abused" always assume that the "Abuser" is a Man/Male and the person being "Abused" is always a Woman/Female???


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## Affaircare

This is an excellent question, Mr. Right, and I hope something that no one here at TAM ever forgets. In the USA right now, there are some pretty good supports and options set up for women who are abused in any way, but the indoctrination has gone so far overboard that almost nothing exists for men who are abused. 

If it is abusive for a man to yell as his wife/gf for hours, calling her names--it is JUST as abusive for a woman to yell at her husband/bf for hours and call him names.

If it is abusive for a man to agree to something and then claim he "forgot" and tell his wife to "get over it"--it is JUST as abusive for a woman to agree to something and then claim she "forgot" and tell her husband to just "get over it."

If it is abusive for a man to block a woman from leaving the room, grab her, and punch the wall right next to her head--it is JUST as abusive for a woman to push a man into the wall, scratch him, and aim knitting needles at his eyes. 

Every "HE" and every "SHE" in the article needs to be read as gender neutral: "the abuser (whether male or female)" and "the abused person (whether male or female)" because what's good for the goose is good for the gander.


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