# Considering R, but chemistry, trust and love are gone



## AnoukNZ

Married for 15 years, separated for 2, we have 3 kids aged 14,9 and 5. 
We live in different countries since separation, 2 years ago, and in the last year together we argued mostly, about anything and everything.
He met someone after 1 year and told me he still was undecided where he wanted to go from there, but the feelings for the OW were very strong. They began a relationship and it seemed that it gave him a lot of energy and helped him as he was depressed before, having lost us, his family.
This is going on for 1 year, I was depressed and it hurt like hell that he chose to start a new life instead of mending and working on our life together. 
However, I would consider saving our marriage as he is otherwise a good father and a good person in general, never lied or cheated, always provided for our family and tried his best to make everyone happy, he is a Mr Nice Guy overall ( somehow emotionally immature, with a strong bond and a feeling of responsibility and guilt towards his parents that slowly destroyed our marriage).

We are discussing Reconciliation. However, he is asking me to let him handle the things his way, but to me, he does not seem ready ( he still lives overseas and has contact with her, he still has feelings for her and I understand there is high chemistry and compatibility between them). He tells me he mostly cannot go on living without his children in his life and this is the reason he wants R basically . He is very slow at taking decisions in general and never ever acts on impulses or rushes into a decision. He is working now on finding a new job somewhere where we can start a new life. But in the meantime is still seeing her. And this is killing me, it hurts me... he is apologising and begs me to try to ignore this and concentrate on the future. Which I think is bull**** and I believe he is weak and can't just finish the relationship, he needs to physically remove himself from that place...

Well, I know I want my kids do be able to have a whole, normal, happy family and they need him and I know he has many qualities.
We managed to bring the harmony back into our relationship and we didn't argue anymore. I just don't know how I will ever be able to make love to him again, how I will erase her from his and my mind and how can we bring back the chemistry, the trust and love???

Love is gone. Especially from his side. I still think I love him but I have days when I am not so sure anymore, and then I think of what I liked about him during all our years together and I realise I love my husband, with all his faults, just that it seems to me he is not the same man with my husband....I mean he still has all the qualities he had before but his love affair makes him a different man in my eyes...

However, when I am not mad at him, I still feel a warm feeling when I think about him.


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## clipclop2

He wants his kids. That isn't a basis for reconciliation.

I dont think it will work.

After 2 years your life and your children's lives are probably pretty settled and adjusted. Letting him come back will cause a lot of chaos that will probably just end up in another separation.

I don't think it is a good risk.

Protect yourself and the kids from his selfishness. 

You will be miserable with a guy who loves someone else. The kids will be miserable if you are unhappy.

Start divorce proceedings and see if Mr Selfish can get his head on straight.


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## AnoukNZ

You may be right.
But if he was selfish, he would have just continued the relationship without any doubt and would have accepted his role as a part time dad.
He says he wants to give up his relationship and is trying . 
I, on the other hand, don't want to talk to him about any future plans before I see that his actions match his words.

But, when we start R, how can we bring back love ?


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## clipclop2

He will be coming home to the same problems he left only while going through withdrawal from her.

One big blow up with you and he will call her or send a short "miss you" text and the affair will be where he turns to drown his pain.

What he wants is delusional.

He couldn't handle real life before. What about him has changed?

Did he have therapy? 

Tell him to dump her for 6 months and if he goes 100% no contact with her and doesn't have any other liaisons, in real life or online, you will consider him moving nearby so you can begin MC. After that, you will reevaluate him moving back into the house.


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## clipclop2

If he were to do as I suggest, it might help you regain some love and respect.

but there's no way that any of us can answer as to what might make him love you again . 

and I think asking that question is jumping the gun . if she were out of the picture for long enough for you came back then it's worth asking that question .


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## honcho

If he keeps wanting to just because he misses the children that isn’t a good enough reason and one of those decisions he will have to live with since he chose to leave and not work on the problems in the marriage to begin with. 

Kids grow up, they become adults, what happens then? Does he leave again? You have value, you aren’t the baggage that comes along with the kids. Either he still wants to love you and wants to work on the marriage and is willing to make the sacrifices to show that or he isn’t. All he seems to be interested in is his playing Dad. 

Your children have a whole normal life, he is just not a part of it. Having two people try to stay together for the sake of children is generally not the best option although so many seem to believe that. Love does have to play a part in this marriage game.


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## AnoukNZ

honcho;7039633
Either he still wants to love you and wants to work on the marriage and is willing to make the sacrifices to show that or he isn’t. [/QUOTE said:


> So, is it enough to want to love and to try to work on the marriage? Will then love come back? Can a person fall back in love if he wants? Is love really a choice?
> 
> I read the following somewhere on this forum and I agree with it:
> 
> "when you grow up with affairs and divorce it teaches you that making a lifelong commitment to anyone is not possible and that it is ok to quit on your family because YOU do not know how to handle hardship and temptation and that YOUR happiness is more important than anyone elses. I guess thats why its called the ME generation."
> 
> This is the reason I would not want my children to grow up with divorce but to live to see their parents work through the toughest challenges and come out better people with a better relationship.
> 
> I know I have my fault in what happened and the circumstances were very complicated. I try not to judge him but to understand what can be done from now on. You can't erase the past but I am trying to build a future, a new beginning for our family. He wants the same and I think this is the most important thing.
> 
> As for me, I know I can be happy with or without him, however, I feel we complement each other and my children need him.
> 
> Does anyone have any books to recommend? About separation, infidelity, trust and how to overcome and build a caring and strong relationship .


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## clipclop2

You only know what he says. Until he did something you have no idea what he wants.


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## honcho

Yes a great deal of love is a choice, is it enough to want to love and are willing to work on the marriage, I would say yes but it’s a two way street its takes a total commitment by both parties. The possibility it may not work needs be understood also. 

Teaching your children to work thru tough issues, seeing a true and honest relationship is valuable. Two people basically living a lie till the kids are gone teaches them the wrong things or ends up making the children feel guilty later in life because they realize there parents unhappiness, the kids feel it was all caused by them. 

You sound like you are open to the idea of trying to repair the marriage, your spouse sounds more like he is just testing the waters, he wont give up what he has got now yet wont commit fully to trying. He wants to see his children and be a part of the kids lives yet lives half a world away. The old saying actions speak louder than words, he cant seem to commit to a life with you or without you, he cant commit to a life without the OP but cant commit to her either. He is a grown man, yet from some other posts sounds like he is still attached to his parents. 

Till he says he wants to make a full commitment to anything and back it up with actions its just talk. Him saying he wants to come back just for kids isn’t good enough.


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