# Wife watches porn but not into sex?



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

So I really would like to additional perspective on my issue, joined here as it seems a great place to discuss.

The situation is this, and it all kind of happened recently. A few months ago, kind of out of nowhere my wife admitted that she had in fact been watching porn most of her life. Not like crazy, but just every couple of weeks. It was really shocking to me, because I have been too and neither one of us ever told each other about it so it was kind of a cool/fun new thing that we discovered but then on my end it started to create a whole bunch of questions. I was extremely turned on and we proceeded to have sex several times after that and went on a bit of a craze until it settled.

Now the biggest thing about that was, that I soon started to wonder about all of those times that we had completely dry spells.. in fact there were sometimes months (and I mean 4+ months) where I would be getting rejected constantly until I decided to give up and wait for her to get into it... and she never did unless we got super drunk on some odd night or something. So I was thinking that, I bet she was watching porn during those times and was still turning me down. But I couldn't be sure, so I unfortunately had to resort to installing some web activity tracking to try and verify my theory.

Sure enough, even after our sex life really picking up lately (more on that further down) it seems there are days when she prefers to watch porn and get off on her own and when I ask her to have sex later that day she says she's tired or not into it and wants to delay it to a different day. She doesn't know that I know she watched porn that day. And I don't mean I come up and say "let's have sex", I do the usual shmoozing and so on to get her "in the mood" but get a flat rejection.

So that's issue #1: Why is she watching porn (so obviously aroused in some way) but not coming to me for that release? Because if the tables are turned, I ALWAYS come to her first... and if I get rejected enough, then I end up dealing with it... myself.

On to issue #2: When we do have sex, she's never really into it. 

She admitted that she just has sex with me because she knows I want to and she doesn't want to keep turning me away after all of our recent revelations -- and that generally she doesn't like sex at all. Back in the day I used to always give her lots of oral sex and she always enjoyed it but then after some time she's always turning me down for it and doesn't want it anymore... in fact she doesn't really give me any opportunity to try and make sex more enjoyable, she says the only way to make it more enjoyable is for us to "get it over with faster". So whenever we do it, it's always very rushed and I feel like I am really just taking advantage of her pretty much every time. On the other hand, I find her extremely attractive and love her very much and generally I have a very high sex drive and I'm just always up for having sex with her -- but she never is, and never initiates. I don't expect her to be always in to it, but damn if at least once every month or two she was actually into it that would be pretty amazing.

So now we are on a "sex schedule," an aggressive 3x a week which again I enjoy for the sex part of it but am constantly weighed down by this massive guilt of just forcing myself on her. However this schedule is something she had proposed. She says she's happy that she can "fulfill her duty as a wife" and do it with me, but at the same time she clearly is never into it and is kind of just going through the motions so that I can get my thrill and she can get to sleep. Because this is relatively new, I was willing to go along with it as she said she would get more into it... but months later, it's the same thing and the fun of it all is really far reduced and there are days when even I just say I'm not into it and I'm tired... but truthfully if she showed even 10% of excitement I would be on it like white on rice.

So I don't know what to do... we used to be very passionate and were really on the same level of sex drive. We have two kids, and I completely understand her desires likely have changed and she is very likely more tired and stressed out and everything. I really appreciate her for everything she is, I love her to no end, I have always been and always will be completely faithful and devoted to her. I just want to know, if there is anything I can do for her to enjoy things more. I have asked her many times and always get the same response that she just doesn't enjoy sex and that it's not about me it's about her and she doesn't feel good about herself and so on. Yet I always compliment her, tell her she is beautiful and sexy and try not to be overbearing etc. 

So I'm really caught in a weird place, where I have this constant desire for her but feel that this desire is not mutual. She goes through the motions to satisfy me, but she is never satisfied unless she does her lonesome porn thing without my involvement. And I have suggested we watch it together to try and spice things up but she was not into that either.

I could go on more but I will leave it at that. Any advice? Suggestions? Similar experiences? I greatly appreciate it all!


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## wopalx (May 26, 2014)

Have you tried watching Porn together before initiating? 

My Mrs likes to watch a little before to help get her into the mood, once she is then its all good from there. Use the time to cuddle, run my hands through her hair, massage etc so kind of early stages of foreplay so to speak.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

wopalx said:


> Have you tried watching Porn together before initiating?
> 
> My Mrs likes to watch a little before to help get her into the mood, once she is then its all good from there. Use the time to cuddle, run my hands through her hair, massage etc so kind of early stages of foreplay so to speak.


Yes I have suggested that but she said she wasn't comfortable with it and felt weird/awkeward and wouldn't enjoy it. Convinced her once when we drank way more than we should (that seems to often open channels of communication) but she really wasn't all that into it.

In terms of foreplay... I am very patient and willing to really put in the time, but she definitely doesn't want to and just wants to skip to the sex and get it over with... which seems kind of odd. It really is as if she doesn't think she could ever enjoy it with me or that it's not worth it, and just wants to skip ahead and go to sleep?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

what TYPE of porn is it? 

Lesbian porn: you dont have the right equipment. FMF?
Gang bang porn: She is craving kinkier sex than you are providing. MFM?
BDSM: You need to buy some sex toys and spice things up. Find out if she is Dom or Sub

and on and on. I suggest you let her pick the porn, and you watch with her, and try to figure out where her mind is going. She obviously loves sex...just not the flavor you have in your pantry


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Maybe she has an easier time getting an O on her own rather than thru sex. Maybe she needs a bit of visually stimulus to get aroused. Is she using a toy on her own? Maybe she is used to using the toy and it is making it hard for her to get off during sex. Do you know what she's watching? Maybe there are certain scenarios that turn her on that she is too embarassed to tell you about. 

Have you told her everything you wrote here? The possibilities of why this is happening are almost endless.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What type of porn?

Is she the kind of woman who is too sensitive after an orgasm? Some women are...

How is your present level of attractiveness different from back when things were good?

Does she say why she finds it too awkward?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife was attracted to you once, now she's not. Assuming there isn't another man, have you checked that out? Get the mmslp book linked to below. Its also available on line at amazon.

How much do you do around the house, too much, too little? Women lose attraction if you become the maid or don't carry your fair share.

Would you call yourself a nice guy?

Can't imagine a woman refusing oral. This is bad.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Yes I have told her everything I wrote here basically except for the fact that I knew she recently watched porn and then shut me down after, because I feel pretty bad about snooping like that.

In terms of what the porn is it's pretty standard stuff. Like those model art kind of porns and generally just good looking people doing it. Sometimes something a little more kinky like those fake doctors or gay porn. I asked her before about that stuff, she says she just watches porn once in a while because she's bored and it's something easy to do and get a quick small orgasm. She has a small vibrator but actually never uses it (I can tell) and doesn't want to use it when we are doing it together says she's embarrassed (it's a recent present she received from a friend). And I have proposed watching porn together numerous times and she always turned it down, so once I just flipped open my laptop and started watching it beside her (lol) and she was kind of glancing over and stuff but she didn't get horny or initiate much or anything and then we did our usual "get it over with" sex.

So it's not like she's going on some crazy porn binges or something it really is just once a month or so for like 5-10 minutes so it's not like I'm concerned she's got some side addiction. And I fully understand the two different kinds of activities porn and sex can be especially since she's getting a quick mess free orgasm vs the unproductive 15 minute activity sex can be for her. But I guess I am just confused about why she would not let me try and make sex between us more fun and rewarding and is content with just getting it over with on a regular basis. Really hurts me and it degrades our quality of sex substantially.

My worry is as this goes on I'll lose my sex drive and hers will start to pick up and we will be at opposite ends again. We are in our early 30's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Your wife was attracted to you once, now she's not. Assuming there isn't another man, have you checked that out? Get the mmslp book linked to below. Its also available on line at amazon.
> 
> How much do you do around the house, too much, too little? Women lose attraction if you become the maid or don't carry your fair share.
> 
> ...


I would definitely consider myself a nice guy. Not perfect by any means but help out, skip out of work early when she's having a bad day. We have a nice house and pretty good life. I mostly definitely have not checked out and am always as involved as I can be with he family and with our marriage. Date nights, trips etc. I will check that book out.

The reason behind the oral refusal has a bit to so with that she used to get a lot of yeast infections and said it was because of the oral. However since then I was able to convince her a couple times to let me go down (drink night again) and she never got a yeast infection either time and I think it was other factors and the time that were causing that... And actually back in the day when she let me do it I could tell it was really good for her so I am equally confused why she's turning it down now I really enjoy doing it. I told her all this and she just says she's not into it and worried about yeast infection and self conscious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Seems she has a lot of shame about her sexual self. Too embarrassed to watch porn with you means, to me, that she doesn't want to share her sexual arousal with you, she is ashamed of it. Doesn't want you to go down on her, she isn't open and feels shame about her genitals.

I'd suggest you open your lap top and watch porn together, without asking her. I'd suggest you do a lot of talking about normal healthy sex drives. Try to get her to open up about how she feels about sex in general? Does she feel good women can also be sexy orgasmic creatures who desire sex? Try to get her to open up about how she feels about her body and specifically about her genitals. Will she accept your compliments easily or does she negate them?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'd recommend every husband do this...

Get some coconut oil and give her a massage. Ask her to turn over and massage her genitals all the while telling her nice things about her body. 

For women, it is sometimes hard to believe that our husbands really do like our bodies when we are so used to finding fault in the dumbest most insignificant things, or we take barely noticeable flaws and blow them way out of proportion.

Shame kills arousal and sex drive. Work on ridding her of sex shame and body image shame.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Your wife was attracted to you once, now she's not. Assuming there isn't another man, have you checked that out? Get the mmslp book linked to below. Its also available on line at amazon.
> 
> How much do you do around the house, too much, too little? Women lose attraction if you become the maid or don't carry your fair share.
> 
> ...


One more thing about this. I brought that up to her directly before "are you just my attracted to me anymore? Do I need to change something about myself to help with that?" And she said that she's absolutely attracted to but doesn't like how she looks because she put on few extra pounds after the kids and can't lose them. I tell her I think she looks amazing and I'm obviously very attracted to her but she just says she doesn't feel good about herself and doesn't enjoy sex because of that. She also says me saying I am not attractive to her is a big turn off and frustrates her that she needs to do something to make me feel better about myself -- which I can't understand because it seems like such an obvious logical thing?

Oh and yes I have done a solid amount of snooping and can say with good confidence there is not another man.

It's getting more difficult to have open discussions with her because it's the same issues and arguments over and over and nothing is changing. That's why eventually I decided to reach out for some advice here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I'd recommend every husband do this...
> 
> Get some coconut oil and give her a massage. Ask her to turn over and massage her genitals all the while telling her nice things about her body.
> 
> ...


I have done this exactly and while she enjoys the massage part of it eventually when it gets intimate she starts to just rush through it and doesn't let it be a passionate experience  i will do a full body massage and really get things nice and wet and just make it very sensual and gradual (not just suddenly pounding her) but then she just gets a bit annoyed if it takes to long and wants to get it over with. And she doesn't seem to get aroused by teasing etc.

I do feel it has something to do with shame and she's mentioned something to that extent before but I don't know how to break that down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Quit talking to her about it at all. Get the book, at least read the reviews. It has to be the most recommended book at this site for men. Men talking about the relationship just turns them off. For now actions speak louder than words.

My first reaction to her statement that she feels unattractive is that she just latched on it as an excuse.

While you are at it read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/192194-im-tired-trying.html


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Seems she has a lot of shame about her sexual self. Too embarrassed to watch porn with you means, to me, that she doesn't want to share her sexual arousal with you, she is ashamed of it. Doesn't want you to go down on her, she isn't open and feels shame about her genitals.
> 
> I'd suggest you open your lap top and watch porn together, without asking her. I'd suggest you do a lot of talking about normal healthy sex drives. Try to get her to open up about how she feels about sex in general? Does she feel good women can also be sexy orgasmic creatures who desire sex? Try to get her to open up about how she feels about her body and specifically about her genitals. Will she accept your compliments easily or does she negate them?


I think as you wrote this I wrote my other reply a bit higher up about how I did exactly that. I will try and discuss it a bit more with her but like I said she seems to be getting more frustrated now when I bring up the topic. She definitely doesn't accept my compliments too well with responses like "oh of course YOU think that" or "you're just saying that because you want sex" or "whatever I'm just gross and you know it"

My compliments seem to have little to no positive effect on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

James2020 said:


> I have done this exactly and while she enjoys the massage part of it eventually when it gets intimate she starts to just rush through it and doesn't let it be a passionate experience  i will do a full body massage and really get things nice and wet and just make it very sensual and gradual (not just suddenly pounding her) but then she just gets a bit annoyed if it takes to long and wants to get it over with. And she doesn't seem to get aroused by teasing etc.
> 
> I do feel it has something to do with shame and she's mentioned something to that extent before but I don't know how to break that down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since she is in a hurry, does she orgasm, for real?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I agree with AnonPink's advice to consider that this is very much about her view of her own sexuality and her body. Without testosterone to give us sexual drive, women must rely on having a healthy, well-developed sense of desire. Shame and embarrassment, unfortunately, can be real impediments to developing that sense of desire. 

I certainly do not mean to suggest that you have done anything wrong to give her these hang ups. However, the better you understand how she is affected by them, the better you can respond to help and encourage her to overcome them. 

Sometimes the shame and embarrassment does develop after a period of time when sex was going really well. Inhibitions can come and go, and a woman's hormone levels ebb and flow and certain ages, making all of this even more complicated. But one thing that a woman CAN come to understand about herself is how her desire works, and what trips that desire. 

Here is where a lot of shame can come in, too. She can fantasize about things she believes you simply cannot do for her in bed, and while these things might excite her very much sexually, she cannot bring herself to share them with you. The thing is, there almost ALWAYS is a way to bring even the most bizarre fantasy into the bedroom. 

So, pay attention, OP. And perhaps even open up to her a little bit. I really believe that many women do not understand how their own sexual desire works. They want to "just feel like it" as much as their husbands want them to, but until the desire is there, it's always going to feel like going through the motions.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That's her work to do, unfortunately.

First, she has to accept, understand and learn to believe that shame has no place at all what so ever in the marital bedroom.

If her shame is a result of a conservative type upbringing, I recommend she spend some time reading about a healthy loving sex life among Christians. Christian Nymphos | Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be!

Go to the site together and encourage her to rid herself of any shame.

It's really a good sign that she is even able to say she feels shame.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Quit talking to her about it at all. Get the book, at least read the reviews. It has to be the most recommended book at this site for men. Men talking about the relationship just turns them off. For now actions speak louder than words.
> 
> My first reaction to her statement that she feels unattractive is that she just latched on it as an excuse.
> 
> While you are at it read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/192194-im-tired-trying.html


Thanks I've been working my way through that thread and will definitely get the book! I'll also stop bugging her about the topic for now and see how things pan out (have already mostly stopped for last few weeks, just kind of going along with that schedule she set up). What sparked me today about it was just the fact that she literally watched some porn earlier in the day and then in the evening turned me down for sex on out "designated sex day" because she was "tired and not into it"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

One other interesting thing she always brings up is that she doesn't understand why SHE has to be "into it" and why that matters if I still just get my orgasm regardless. I told her it's not the same and I don't feel the intimate connection I desire... That if that was the case I could just go have sex with pretty much any other THING and that wasn't what I was after.. That I wanted HER and I wanted to feel I can contributed to her enjoyment and relaxation to and that it should be something we enjoy tougher. But that didn't seem to really sink in.. Granted I'm not as good at articulating my thoughts in person as I am in writing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

It sounds like shes become lazy. I have found men and women who view porn over wanting to be with their spouse, part of it may be they have gotten to be lazy. To much work, to much effort, easier to get off by themselves, then they are done. Another part of it too is, they are not into the emotional part of it. She's disconnected emotionally. Sometimes women who disconnect emotionally, the physical part will soon follow.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

First of all, I'd take the porn part out of this equation, it actually seems quite irrelevant.

The point is that she's masturbating, but isn't all that into sex.

My guess is that she's masturbating without porn, as well. You can only really see when she's doing it with a visual aid, thanks to your spyware.

The important thing to remember is that masturbation and sex really are two separate things, apples and oranges. Male or female, one can be in the mood for one, but not the other. And you don't necessarily have to be thinking sexy thoughts to be in the mood to masturbate.

The real question here is why is she not interested in sex, with you, or at all? Masturbation or not - it makes no difference IMO. I'd question why she doesn't seem to be interested in being intimate.

My advice is to forget about the masturbating and focus on the lack of intimacy.

Lastly, is she the type of person who always needs to be busy, doing something, can't sit still, etc? I ask, because both my wife and my ex wife are/were like that. In terms of my sex life with both of them, they both are/were preferential of shorter sessions.

In my ex-wife's case, it was more to just get it over with... But with my current wife, it's because it's not a priority, or there's something else that needs to be done (not that she necessarily WANTS to do it, but she's not one to leave something for later). Sex with my wife is good, and she O's several times and is in to it, so it's not like she's going through the motions. But she has told me that her preference is for shorter sessions, 10-15 minutes. She O's easily, so she's satisfied whether it's 2 minutes or 20 or an hour.

That, to me, says that my wife views sex as just that - sex. It's not about the intimacy so much as it is about getting off. The longer it goes, the more it eats into her available time to get other things done, know what I mean? In other words, it's not a priority.

Perhaps your wife is like that, too, and it's a means to an end, either through masturbation (which can be over with in a minute or two) or sex, or quick and dirty sex. It allows her to get back to whatever else is going on that is, seemingly, more important.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

James2020 said:


> One other interesting thing she always brings up is that she doesn't understand why SHE has to be "into it" and why that matters if I still just get my orgasm regardless. I told her it's not the same and I don't feel the intimate connection I desire... That if that was the case I could just go have sex with pretty much any other THING and that wasn't what I was after.. That I wanted HER and I wanted to feel I can contributed to her enjoyment and relaxation to and that it should be something we enjoy tougher. But that didn't seem to really sink in.. Granted I'm not as good at articulating my thoughts in person as I am in writing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That speaks volumes and is one of two things:

- she doesn't connect emotions and intimacy with sex,
or
- she's not emotionally connected to you.

My wife is #1. My ex wife was #2. Neither is ideal, but #1 is workable and one can live with it.

My wife has, apparently, and from her own words, always been like that. Sex is sex, love is love. She grew up in a broken home, and her mother has been married 4 times now and dated quite a bit when the kids were younger. She didn't see a loving mom and dad together, ever, so when she became sexually active, it was simply about that, not a part of two people being connected.

My ex wife just wasn't into me.

You have one or the other, and it's up to you to figure out which one.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why does she have to be into it?

Do a little eye opening experiment with her. Ask her to give you the most passionate kiss she possibly can, but don't your respond in any way. Wait a minute, then ask her to do it again only this time respond. THATS the reason!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

James2020 said:


> One other interesting thing she always brings up is that she doesn't understand why SHE has to be "into it" and why that matters if I still just get my orgasm regardless. I told her it's not the same and I don't feel the intimate connection I desire... That if that was the case I could just go have sex with pretty much any other THING and that wasn't what I was after.. That I wanted HER and I wanted to feel I can contributed to her enjoyment and relaxation to and that it should be something we enjoy tougher. But that didn't seem to really sink in.. Granted I'm not as good at articulating my thoughts in person as I am in writing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you do for your wife?

Let's say that you vacuum the floors in the house every week because it's important to her to have clean floors. I'm just making this up but there should be something you do for her because she likes it. You then ask her how would she feel if you agreed to clean the floors. But, she always had to ask you to clean them. And whenever you did it you complained that you hated doing it. And you rushed through it and did a crappy job cleaning the floors. But then you turned around and kept your car spotless at all times. Point out that it's not only WHAT we do that matters, it's HOW we do it. And it's easy to "do the job" thinking you are making the other person happy but really you are shooting yourself in the foot with your attitude about it. You make this as a statement and let it sink in with her.

The other thing is you should never tolerate sex under these conditions. By agreeing to have sex under these conditoins, you are reinforcing that her attidude does not matter.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

James2020 said:


> One other interesting thing she always brings up is that she doesn't understand why SHE has to be "into it" and why that matters if I still just get my orgasm regardless. I told her it's not the same and I don't feel the intimate connection I desire... That if that was the case I could just go have sex with pretty much any other THING and that wasn't what I was after.. That I wanted HER and I wanted to feel I can contributed to her enjoyment and relaxation to and that it should be something we enjoy tougher. But that didn't seem to really sink in.. Granted I'm not as good at articulating my thoughts in person as I am in writing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think THIS is what so many men struggle to convey to their wives. Women can have sex without desire, and are often willing to because the love and want to please their husbands, but, for many men, the lack of desire impedes their ability to feel fully intimate with their wives. 

Sometimes women are perfectly happy to function without sexual desire; its lack does not affect them, and if it doesn't affect their sexual availability, they wonder why their husband cares so much. 

The thing is (just as AnonPink notes) this is ON HER to figure out. You can try to trip her desire, but unless she is willing to understand her own desire and the barriers that exist to including it in the marital bed, then there is little you can do to effect change on your own. 

Still, I think there is much you can do to avoid causing her to become completely unavailable to you sexually. I understand that her lack of desire is killing your own desire, but tread carefully with where you allow this to go. Keep trying to communicate with her about your intimacy needs, encourage her to explore her sexuality, and, as I mentioned before, pay attention. You just might see some clues to her desire and, if you are willing, be able to do some leading in the bedroom.

I'm sure it feels like flailing around in the dark, which sucks. But nor do I think she is purposefully trying to hurt you, or that she is necessarily lazy or unloving. It's a HUGE disconnect between how some men and some women view sex in marriage. She CAN come around to "get it." Don't give up hope, and do all you can to keep your own desire alive. 

I ask this all the time, but usually to no avail: would your wife be willing to come to TAM and post her side and get some advice on things SHE can do?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Thanks for all the responses everyone, lots of great unique insights on the situation and a lot to think about.

@GettingIt lets just say if she knew I posted all of this here she would physically murder me, immediately 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Also @alexm I do often think that taking the porn out of it makes sense as well. She did tell me that she doesn't masturbate without porn because it's easier/faster with porn and she hasn't done "freestyle" masturbation since she was a teenager. 

Sex and intimacy aside, I do feel she loves me very much and is very committed to the marriage. She's extremely caring and selfless in all other situations and even if this sex thing were to never work out I would never leave her, she truly means everything to me and I think she feels the same way. In her own ways she has tried to remedy some of this stuff but like others mentioned maybe the lack of realization about why it matters that she's into it plus her self consciousness and lack of feeling good about her body is just making this all rather ineffective.

My biggest goal here was to her opinions from others and perhaps some similar experiences and female perspectives. I just want to help her feel good and sexy and desirable again, just like when we met. Most definitely my desire for her has done nothing but increased. Most likely her desire has decreased a lot over time but I think there is still a solid change to light that spark back up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some men and women can regularly watch porn and masturbate, yet not be into sex. They are two different things for some people and not related at all.

To me is sounds like your wife just isn't into partnered sex and might not ever be...she gets her "small orgasm" from occasional porn and that is enough sexual activity for her body.

If she has NEVER been that into sex, with you or any other lover, chances are she never will be.

Many men are like this, too and their wives are confused because the man watches porn so she thinks "why doesn't he come to me instead?" The question doesn't work though because the man doesn't actually want sex he just wants a "small orgasm".


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Some men and women can regularly watch porn and masturbate, yet not be into sex. They are two different things for some people and not related at all.
> 
> To me is sounds like your wife just isn't into partnered sex and might not ever be...she gets her "small orgasm" from occasional porn and that is enough sexual activity for her body.
> 
> ...


Thanks that is starting to make sense. I have to disconnect the two things otherwise I will always feel hurt by it.

She did used to be into sex quite a bit and when she has a few drinks she's into it as well so I think it must have to do with something else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Since she is in a hurry, does she orgasm, for real?


No she never orgasms. She said that basically in all the time we ever had sex she has had maybe two orgasms. All the other ones were from the oral sex but she's not into that anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

James2020 said:


> No she never orgasms. She said that basically in all the time we ever had sex she has had maybe two orgasms. All the other ones were from the oral sex but she's not into that anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Woah!

Back up here.

This is vital. She used to orgasm from oral sex but now that's off the table? Do you have kids?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I found the post where you mentioned weight gain after kids.

She is blocking her arousal. She is shutting down that part of herself because she is ashamed of it. It's possible she watches porn to have that small orgasm FaithfulWife talked about, but it's also possible she is watching porn for some other reason.

Was she ever abused?

She needs therapy with a qualified PhD therapist. This isn't something you can heal. Trauma or not, she hasn't been able to allow herself arousal enough to orgasm, and it think she is doing it on purpose due to feelings of shame.

She also needs to stop watching porn. For her, the porn is problematic and may be creating more shame. I may be wrong but even if I am, the porn viewing isn't helping her sex life is it? Healthy porn use helps your sex life.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I think your wife is sexually repressed, and she seems to have a great deal of difficulty with the idea of connecting with you emotionally through sex.

My wife used to be a lot like yours. History of CSA, strict Catholic upbringing, parents divorced when she was young and never talked about it, etc.

Sex was OK during the first several years of our marriage. She was sexually insatiable during the second and third trimesters of her pregnancy (wanted it almost every day), but sex dropped off a lot after childbirth. I think it was a combination of weight gain (not much weight gained), the "Mommy Mentality", and her being busy and tired a lot. She had a hysterectomy in 2004, and it dropped even more.

Most of the time she would either refuse my advances, or she would say something to the effect of "OK, make your d!ck hard, stick it in, and let's get this over with". It got to the point where I would rather masturbate than have pity/duty sex with her. She didn't understand that for me, sex was the way I expressed my emotional connection with her, she thought it was all about "getting off".

We went to marriage counseling/sex therapy for over a year, both together and individually. The therapist asked me once during an IC session if my wife was less inhibited after a few drinks, and I said yes. The therapist said that is a classic symptom of self-repression. Slowly, as we continued our MC/ST, my wife became more comfortable with her sexuality, started masturbating (by herself) on a regular basis, and began orgasming regularly through oral sex, PIV, and toys. About three years ago or so, she went through the mid-life hormonal surge, and was insatiable again for about six months. I was in heaven.

Things are much better today, but I have also noticed a bit of a drop-off in her desire over the past 6 months. We are both in our 50's, and perhaps this is a natural gradual change due to aging.

My advice would be to seek out a qualified Marriage Counselor with credentials and expertise as a Sex Therapist. I think your wife has issues, but I think they are not insurmountable issues. Don't expect miracles, and be grateful for any progress you can make. Good luck!


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

The weight gain wasn't that significant, well at least not that I noticed. Over the 10+ years we have been together she's gained maybe 40 pounds or so and that's with two kids. I think she looks absolutely great.

Her denying the oral sex, I still can't really be sure if she is doing that because of the fear of the yeast infection or if she's doing that because she's self conscious about something else. 

As far as I know, she has never been abused or anything like that.

Certainly the porn isn't helping her sex life in any way that I can tell, but then also given that she's also only doing it maybe once a month or so it never seemed problematic to me? I have no actual issue with the porn, it just sucks when she does that and turns me down. I know for me, porn is always the 2nd choice alternative to having sex with my wife... and if she's not willing, then I resort to masturbation/porn. With her, I guess it seems she looks to masturbation/porn to get her relief and never at me. Sex with me is just another chore on her list to keep me from complaining -- that's how I interpret it anyway


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

keeper63 said:


> I think your wife is sexually repressed, and she seems to have a great deal of difficulty with the idea of connecting with you emotionally through sex.
> 
> My wife used to be a lot like yours. History of CSA, strict Catholic upbringing, parents divorced when she was young and never talked about it, etc.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your help. What you are describing really does sound very very similar to my situation.

It's definitely going to be a bit difficult to get her on board with going to a therapist... but at the same time, I think she does in fact realize the situation too but just doesn't want to deal with it because she's dealing with so many other things. On the one hand I would want to "just give it a try for a little longer" and on the other hand, I don't really want to waste any more time or let things get worse.

It would be a difficult conversation to start -- and I think, she thinks, she can fix this on her own so there would be additional resistance there. And maybe she can, but I am certain it would be much more difficult.

Ultimately this is about her though -- she truly deserves to feel good about herself, about her body, and to experience full intimacy and pleasure.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You are going to need to take more responsibility in getting your own needs met, too. When you say "it would be a difficult conversation to start"...you need to re-frame your thinking to "I am the only one who can advocate for my own sex life".


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, you have to take the bull by the horns and have the counseling conversation with your wife.

My W was very resistant at first, she said "But our marriage is fine, we don't have a problem, I'm happy with how things are, counseling is for people who are about to get divorced", etc.

I told her just because she was happy with how things are doesn't mean everything is OK. I said that our marriage was like a person with heart condition who doesn't eat healthy, or exercise. That person needs to see a cardiologist and get some help before they drop dead one day.

Eventually, I told her she had two choices, she was going to go with me to counseling, or I was going to move out and go see the counselor by myself. I think she was totally stunned by this, and immediately agreed to go. But I had to be ready to move out, or she would know I was bluffing.

In retrospect, she would tell you that counseling was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. 

Your wife will want to maintain the status quo, because she is getting what she wants/needs from the relationship. Since you are not getting your needs met, YOU have to be proactive and do something about it, or simply accept how things are, and accept that they will only get worse over time.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Well, that's what I thought. I guess I will need to suck it up and get this conversation started. Going to try and ease this in at a good time at least... but won't delay it much. I truly believe this will make her feel so much better about herself in the long run.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Oh and really sincere thanks for everyone's advice on this. I will keep this thread updated with new developments. Getting external advice has been extremely helpful, because this entire situation has been giving me serious anxiety.

And an interesting point brought up in the other thread that really resonated with me (the "I'm tired of trying.." one) was that it's not that our marriage is broken... it's that actually our marriage is really quite excellent, except for this one thing... and it really bothers me that it is so, because it shouldn't be. I get a lot of push back from her with things like "it seems all you care about is sex" or "you're just horny all the time" etc. but that's not really the case, it's just always on my mind because it's that sore thumb of the relationship.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I found the post where you mentioned weight gain after kids.
> 
> She is blocking her arousal. She is shutting down that part of herself because she is ashamed of it. It's possible she watches porn to have that small orgasm FaithfulWife talked about, but it's also possible she is watching porn for some other reason.
> 
> ...


My Quote: 
Watching pron and having an "O" is like having a Hershey's kiss. It is just enough to do ya. A great "O" with a partner is like the whole daamn Hershey bar. Some times a little bit will do ya, other times you need the big one. When it comes to 
"solo sex" your wife may have learned she gets to choose the type of "O" , the kind of Hershey kiss lets say, almond, hugs, mint, dark, or milk chocolate. Sex with partner sometimes is just to labor intensive. It's kinda no fail when you are alone. 

The things that stand out the most to me are that she has a toy, has used it but doesn't want to use it in the bed room with you. That says she has issues with self acceptance. She is obviously uncomfortable sharing that with you, and that is an issue with in her and not something you can change or help her to change. 

Something else that stands out is that she is self conscious about her added pounds. It happens. We ladies worry that things have changed after a child or two. Things are looser then they used to be, or pounds are where they shouldn't be, but little do we realize the H's are not so concerned about that. There eye is on the prize. 

It sound s like to me that abuse or neglect or something along that line has occurred at some point. She may not even realize the impact that some long ago bad sexual experience has on now. Rushing you to get the job done already is what give me that concern. That is exactly what I do. I just want my H to be done with me. I know he needs his fix, so I let him have it while I go away mentally. I don't know that to be her case, but what you speak of certainly reminds me of ME. 

Does she by any chance take any meds. Anti anxiety medications can affect your sex drive. Then the amount of time it takes to get to the "O" is stupidly long. I hate to put my H threw that. And it the "O" is lost so very easily. Just curious.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

James2020 said:


> Thanks so much for your help. What you are describing really does sound very very similar to my situation.
> 
> It's definitely going to be a bit difficult to get her on board with going to a therapist... but at the same time, I think she does in fact realize the situation too but just doesn't want to deal with it because she's dealing with so many other things. On the one hand I would want to "just give it a try for a little longer" and on the other hand, I don't really want to waste any more time or let things get worse.
> 
> ...




She may not be to willing to get T. My H and I got Marriage T. The T we got just happened to specialize in trauma therapy. Who knew, she recognized right away that there was more then a few issues going on. She waited for me to tell her what happened and things have improved from there. I have a long way to go, but it is so much better now then it used to be. I would have NEVER sought T for the issues I had. (which were rape, abuse and CSA) I just never imagined something that happened so long ago had the impact that it did on me to this day. 

Sometimes having kids can make matters worse. They are so young an innocent. Just like she may have been if/when something may have happened to her. That is a hard thing to deal with if that is what happened.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does she play online games? How much time does she spend on the computer? Did you say she works outside the home?


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Another place you could try is the site "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum". The author addresses EXACTLY what is going on in your wife's head in her "29 Days to Great Sex". The article addresses how important sex is not only for the husband, but also the wife. It also stresses the importance of intimacy and how sex was designed to promote intimacy between members of the couple. It helps the wife feel more comfortable with her body and helps her open up more. There is a topic for each of 29 days and it is a good idea to read each days' writing together, talk about it a bit, and then do the challenge together. By addressing the different things that are in your wife's head in a gentle and non threatening way, she may feel way less defensive and her thinking may well change. It is an organized approach to changing her thinking, but it occurs over a period of time, so it is not like trying to convince someone of something in a single conversation. It is a Christian website, but not preachy. Anyone can use it effectively.
I would also recommend a set of sessions of Sensate Focus. It is also a way to connect and feel closer.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i'm not sure that a site that states "Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!" is a good one to be directing TAM members to! :rofl:


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

m5-
You can say Satan's plan is to muck up sex for married people or people can make a mess of their own sexual interactions. It does not matter. For the OP, it is messed up either way. Yes, it is a Christian site, but the premise of the 29 day program may just work in this case. The OP can take the advice without espousing the Christian framework. This is the basic concept of the program.

"I believe that sex was created to feel great physically, and that I am supposed to have a sex drive, and supposed to feel aroused, even if I don’t feel that way right now.
I believe that sex was created to make me feel loved.
I believe that sex was created to make me feel like one with my husband."

Isn't this what the OP wants for his wife and for their relationship?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I am wondering if there is more to her online porn than you know. Is she a stay at home mom? When does she have time to get off during the day.

I think you need to keylog the computer.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

She is DEFINATELY into sex....just not with you! 

Your only help is to turn that around, concentrate her sexual energy on you and not herself or a lover. Figure out what type of porn and that might give you a clue. Really try to mix it up....the standard sex you used to enjoy is not cutting it anymore. Take her to a sex shop and let her select some "toys". Really encourage her to be honest in her selection. You might be surprised what she picks out! It might be a strapon, bondage gear, dominatrix stuff, submissive stuff...whatever it is, give it a try with her.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Murphy I do agree that going to a "toy store" or shopping on line might curb some of the pron viewing. It will certainly spice up the bedroom. That is one way to show your wife you are open to what she likes. I have told my H I would like to shop on line for "toys" but he disagrees that we should do that because he doesn't want me using toys alone while he is not around. 

Giving me time to explore my own needs is part of increasing my knowledge so I can better meet his needs. But he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as being replaced by a "toy".


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

I recommend 2 authors of many books:

John Gottman (7 Principles for Making Marriage Work)

Marty Klein (Sexual Intelligence)

I suggest buying 2 copies of each book. Work through the books (by yourself but hopefully together). Take the initiative to bring about positive change (in yourself and your relationship). Remember we can only change ourselves not others. 

BTW, I don't think porn is the problem here. The real problem is something else. The real problem(s) might be resolved by reading books (cheap approach), counseling, or perhaps not at all.

The "happy ending" for you is a healthy marriage and not simply room-mates. I suspect both of you will have to grow (change) in order for this to work out.

Best Wishes!


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hi everyone, just wanted to post some updates and kind of re-iterate a few things because I think some of the responses are making incorrect assumptions about the situation (I understand, my initial post was quite long).

So here is a list of the key facts I think:

-- Wife watches porn about once a month, for maybe 5-10 minutes all together. She does this when I am not at home, and when either the kids are gone as well or sleeping. She is stay at home, so the latter usually happens in the early afternoon. Kids are young (both under 5).

-- So far all of the porn I have intercepted has just been regular stuff. Some ripped guy crushing a young blonde, or a beautiful couple in a fancy mansion having romantic sex in bed, and the one that was the most different would be one of those "fake hospital" ones where the doctor makes advances on the woman and she gives in. So, nothing there in terms of her looking for something we aren't kind of already doing.

-- We have sex three times a week or so. The wife is very open about that, but she's not "into" it when we do it. She's not upset or anything like that, but the entire thing is about me getting off and her being there to make that happen rather than her trying to get something out if it as well.

-- We have talked many times, she's usually quite open about everything but because these talks have gone on for a few months now I think it's becoming irritating for her. She says she's working on trying to get more into it on her end, but it's just going to take time because it's not a priority for her right now as she's stressed and overwhelmed with the kids plus doesn't feel too good about herself because of some of her weight gain after having kids (I would say 20-30lbs max). 

-- As far as sexual abuse etc. in her past. I mean, of course I cannot be certain... but I have never suspected it in the slightest and know all of her family really well so I just find it very difficult to imagine that this really happened in the past. Other than this sex thing, I don't really see any other possible indications of this and even what I am experiencing with her I mean I don't think it's so serious that it in fact warrants the suspicion of prior abuse.

-- When we started being together, she was really into sex for a while and the slowly tapered off... then we had some waves but it was never really very intense. She said she's orgasm'd while doing it with me a couple of times, but other than that she never does. I used to also give her lots of oral but after a while she started getting yeast infections and blamed it on the oral so we stopped. Since then I convinced her on it a couple of times, an no yeast infection, but still she no longer seems to be into that anymore. That right there, is probably one of the biggest mysteries for me and whenever I ask her about it she just says she doesn't want it and feels self conscious or something along those lines.

-- Not too long ago she got a vibrator as a present (one of those small LELO ones, very stylish) but she never uses it. She never uses it with me, she never uses it on her own. I think she would really enjoy it, and I would not mind it at all if she used it with or without me... I've told her this many times, but she just doesn't seem to be into it. 

So that is all of the FACTS. Now in terms of what my issues are on this entire situation:

1. On a couple occasions, she watched porn in the early afternoon and then when we were supposed to have sex later that day she asked we push it to the next day because she was tired/not into it etc. So I was kind of hurt by her doing that, since it felt like I was being replaced. Not what to think of that.

2. When we do have sex, she never seems to want to make it about her... she just wants me to do my thing and get it over with. Sometimes when we have a few drinks she gets more horney/into it but it's still always about me, but I really want her to get the same feeling out of it that I do but she just doesn't seem to let me.

And as a final side note... she said she only ever masturbates to porn, and used to do it without porn but that was a long time ago and doesn't anymore because it's easier/faster with porn. Anyhow I wonder if that's actually true, or if she might still be masturbating sometimes... I guess there is no way to tell. 

So that's another super long post  I have held off on suggesting counseling still, as I want to give her the time she's asked for to make things better... especially because they used to be good. I'm also giving her more space for now as well.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

Watch Porn with her. You just might not do it for her.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Sporto said:


> Watch Porn with her. You just might not do it for her.


Offered that a few times, she did not want to she was embarrassed etc. do watch together.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband does the same thing


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the mmslp book linked to below. Also available at amazon online. Read the reviews. Its all about attraction, the question is what has changed? You or her or both. Maybe you have lost what attracted her in the beginning of your relationship.


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