# Just talking



## Bulfrog1987

I’m just angry right now. Everything I endured thinking we were just going through a phase.. all for nothing. All to be left with nothing, no note, no really I’m sorry but.. nothing. 

He shot himself and left nothing. My husband was a ****. He was not shy about admitting he was a selfish man and most knew it, I just NEVER thought he’d be this selfish. Not ever. I can look back, as I’m sure I’ve said in a mother post and see these last months where I thought it was me this whole time, was really just me being a punching bag, his outlet because I was it. The only thing he could take his frustration out on simply because he wasn’t going to do it to himself and face things from his past.

Now, if I’m brutally honest, I’m a 35 year old woman, enraged, sexually frustrated, frustrated about the wanting I feel to be with some. I’m disgusted with myself, I love and hate my late husband, I’m pissed at myself, I’m tearing my home apart doing all the things to it we planned, I’m effing mentally exhausted and there is just no respite.

I know I need counseling, it’s just a matter of timing and insurance kicking in. I’m just here venting, I know there’s no answers but to go through all these things.

Damn him for leaving us this way. Me, I’m one thing, used to not being taken into account, but our almost 5 year old, that he just had to have, had a vasectomy reversal to get..?? I could just punch him in the face for dissing him like this. He’s fine now, sure but what about in ten years when he’s a teen.. 👊🏻 In the face 100x.

And HOW, how am I ever going to be able to trust again. I can’t even fathom a time. I feel absolutely tainted, ruined. Unworthy of so much.


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## Sfort

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I’m just angry right now. Everything I endured thinking we were just going through a phase.. all for nothing. All to be left with nothing, no note, no really I’m sorry but.. nothing.
> 
> He shot himself and left nothing. My husband was a ****. He was not shy about admitting he was a selfish man and most knew it, I just NEVER thought he’d be this selfish. Not ever. I can look back, as I’m sure I’ve said in a mother post and see these last months where I thought it was me this whole time, was really just me being a punching bag, his outlet because I was it. The only thing he could take his frustration out on simply because he wasn’t going to do it to himself and face things from his past.
> 
> Now, if I’m brutally honest, I’m a 35 year old woman, enraged, sexually frustrated, frustrated about the wanting I feel to be with some. I’m disgusted with myself, I love and hate my late husband, I’m pissed at myself, I’m tearing my home apart doing all the things to it we planned, I’m effing mentally exhausted and there is just no respite.
> 
> I know I need counseling, it’s just a matter of timing and insurance kicking in. I’m just here venting, I know there’s no answers but to go through all these things.
> 
> Damn him for leaving us this way. Me, I’m one thing, used to not being taken into account, but our almost 5 year old, that he just had to have, had a vasectomy reversal to get..?? I could just punch him in the face for dissing him like this. He’s fine now, sure but what about in ten years when he’s a teen.. 👊🏻 In the face 100x.
> 
> And HOW, how am I ever going to be able to trust again. I can’t even fathom a time. I feel absolutely tainted, ruined. Unworthy of so much.


When did your husband shoot himself?


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## Bulfrog1987

Sfort said:


> When did your husband shoot himself?


March 5th of this year. Not even two months.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

What happened to you is absolutely unfortunate and I am so sorry for your situation. But the way you are writing about it, and letting out your anger and frustration is very normal and a healthy way of beginning the healing process of such a tragic event.

I encourage you to keep writing, seek counseling. Get a punching bag to let out the anger/emotions while yelling at it everything you want to say to him. Just don't hold it in and let it destroy you.


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## Bulfrog1987

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> What happened to you is absolutely unfortunate and I am so sorry for your situation. But the way you are writing about it, and letting out your anger and frustration is very normal and a healthy way of beginning the healing process of such a tragic event.
> 
> I encourage you to keep writing, seek counseling. Get a punching bag to let out the anger/emotions while yelling at it everything you want to say to him. Just don't hold it in and let it destroy you.


Butjust as I’ve written above, now I’m back to feeling sorry for him. That he was too emotionally stunted to deal with his past. Sorry for him that he was that sad but kept it hidden so well. I just feel bad for him too as angry as I am as well.


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## Diana7

Does your son even need to be told how he died? Could he just be told he was ill? It's not entirely a lie us it?
In suicide those left behind have to bear a lot. If I remember rightly were you living apart at the time?


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## minimalME

I'm so, very sorry for your suffering. 😔💕


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## Bulfrog1987

Diana7 said:


> Does your son even need to be told how he died? Could he just be told he was ill? It's not entirely a lie us it?
> In suicide those left behind have to bear a lot. If I remember rightly were you living apart at the time?


We weren’t living apart, separate bedrooms, same household. Of course now no he need not know but years from now he’s going to ask or what’s more, I worry about kids in school outing it when he’s older.

I think he’s doing so well right now simply because I was the caretaker. My husband was not involved in caring for him. But he absolutely understood what it meant when I told him daddy was sick and I’m pain but that he isn’t anymore and that he died.


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## Sfort

Bulfrog1987 said:


> March 5th of this year. Not even two months.


I'm very sorry. Others may disagree, but I firmly believe that people who commit suicide are at least temporarily insane. Very few people who have it "all together" cannot go through with it. What went through his head at the time he made the decision may not be what you're thinking. All I'm saying is don't beat yourself up. It was his decision. Find a way to heal. It's a long road, but you'll get there. Post here as much as you want, and we'll try to help.


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## Bulfrog1987

Sfort said:


> I'm very sorry. Others may disagree, but I firmly believe that people who commit suicide are at least temporarily insane. Very few people who have it "all together" cannot go through with it. What went through his head at the time he made the decision may not be what you're thinking. All I'm saying is don't beat yourself up. It was his decision. Find a way to heal. It's a long road, but you'll get there. Post here as much as you want, and we'll try to help.


I do agree and I don’t know was his BA level was because although I found him I knew better than to go better in our room. I said there is NF way you have done this to us. God protected me from having that final sight I believe. But I don’t want to see the autopsy because then I’ll know where the bullet went through, details that are currently left to the imagination and I don’t want that but he’d been drinking beer then cracked the bottle of crown he was gifted at Christmas and downed half of it. He was not sober or in his right mind at all I truly believe.


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## D0nnivain

I'm so sorry @Bulfrog1987 I know something about what it's like to be a suicide survivor. My EX took his own life. 

Check out the American Federation of Suicide Prevention . Home They have a lot of amazing resources & lots of people who know exactly how you feel.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Butjust as I’ve written above, now I’m back to feeling sorry for him. That he was too emotionally stunted to deal with his past. Sorry for him that he was that sad but kept it hidden so well. I just feel bad for him too as angry as I am as well.


That is completely normal and it's how you will feel for a while. It's a huge conflicting chit show inside of you right now. You will miss him at times, feel like you somehow failed him even though you didn't, and you will be angry to the point of raging at times. All of these emotions may cycle in a single hour. I have no doubt you saw something was going on and you desperately tried to help him and intervened. You probably encouraged him to please open up and talk to you and ask him if there is anything you can do.

I understand exactly how you feel. I am not turning this on me. But I view my dad as pretty much a victim of suicide. He ignored easily treatable medical conditions that lead to a very painful early death. I desperately tried to help him. After his death, I went through the same emotions. I missed him and cried. I also often wondered if I did enough. The anger was overwhelming to the point I was yelling and swearing at a punching bag and started hitting it so hard I fractured my wrist and sent it swinging right through the bedroom window.

You will never forget, but I promise you that over time you will learn how to cope with it and accept it. But feel free to pm me anytime you need to vent or if you need encouragement, need reassurance because you believe you are being irrational, or any reason.


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## SunCMars

I am so sorry this has happened to you. 

What a waste, what a terrible kick in the back.

...............................................................................

I experienced this second hand, were a friend's dad killed himself.

The friend was 12 at the time. His mother tried to cover it up to her two children, saying he died in a car wreck.

His mother covered it up, our village let the dead cat out of the bag.

The police had to ascertain it was a suicide not a murder.
The truth got out, everyone knew.

That friend of mine moved out of state after High School, and became embittered for years, then got over it.

He got over it because he married a conservative woman who nursed him back to stable mental health.

He later dumped her for being a conservative Republican in blue California. 
His words, not mine.

He was successful in the construction business, and made good money.

He later married a stripper who was a liberal Democrat.

I knew his 1st wife, she was a nice lady but had her boundaries.

His 2nd wife had few boundaries but voted properly according to my 'former' friend.

They both still go to strip joints, even in their later years.

He and his new wife are happy, his ex wife moved to Texas and married a cop, and she is now happy.

I attribute his fall from grace, his fathers suicide.

His father committed suicide for financial with 'possible' criminal implications.
And he did it in the family home. Gunshot wound to the head.


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## Casual Observer

Bulfrog1987 said:


> But he absolutely understood what it meant when I told him daddy was sick and I’m pain but that he isn’t anymore and that he died.


You’d best go carefully on expressing your own “pain” to your son, as it will be so easy for a 5 year old to conflate things and believe he could lose his mom as well.


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## *Deidre*

I'm so sorry for your pain. I have lost a friend to suicide and I think there is a sense of helplessness that comes over everyone close to that person, which often manifests itself into anger, rage, guilt, mixed with longing, sorrow and empathy. It's like a roller coaster.

Regarding your son, he may struggle with the loss more so as he gets older and better able to process his grief and loss. When he sees other kids his age with their dads, there will be different times throughout his life when he'll be triggered more than others. One day at a time, is all you can do for now, though. Venting your pain is a healthy way to get it out and cope with it.

Hoping the best for you and him, that you find some peace and acceptance as time goes on.


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## Bulfrog1987

Casual Observer said:


> You’d best go carefully on expressing your own “pain” to your son, as it will be so easy for a 5 year old to conflate things and believe he could lose his mom as well.


I am very conservative when expressing things to my son. I neither bottle it up nor lose myself completely. I want my son to know it’s healthy to express his feelings whatever they are, however I DO NOT push my own feelings or thoughts on him at all.

and the fact is, he could very well lose me. A car accident or whatever it may be. I always remind him he’s safe and there are so many people here to care for and love him.


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## Lotsofheart73

OP- I really feel for you and your son. I have purposely not read your other threads about your husband as my dad passed away from suicide a few years back and it is too painful to be reminded of that often. 

But I did want to post one thing that is simple and maybe you already know about or maybe you do not have access too. If you or your husband were/are employed with a bigger company you may have access to employee resources that you can just call in anytime and talk to a counselor. It is confidential and you don’t have to worry about Appt and insurance. You just call in and talk. It’s not a long term thing as you’d probably want to research counselors and so on. But when you are having a really bad moments. This could help.
Many companies offer this and lots of employees are unaware of forget about it.

Anyway, hope things get better.


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## Bulfrog1987

Lotsofheart73 said:


> OP- I really feel for you and your son. I have purposely not read your other threads about your husband as my dad passed away from suicide a few years back and it is too painful to be reminded of that often.
> 
> But I did want to post one thing that is simple and maybe you already know about or maybe you do not have access too. If you or your husband were/are employed with a bigger company you may have access to employee resources that you can just call in anytime and talk to a counselor. It is confidential and you don’t have to worry about Appt and insurance. You just call in and talk. It’s not a long term thing as you’d probably want to research counselors and so on. But when you are having a really bad moments. This could help.
> Many companies offer this and lots of employees are unaware of forget about it.
> 
> Anyway, hope things get better.


That is not the case for us, but his previous employer before this one did provide that. This company is smaller but always appreciate the feedback as you never know  thank you.

man’s I’m sorry if any of this triggers your past with your dad. ♥


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## gaius

I know it might not feel this way, but all that grief and anger pouring out of you right now is actually a good thing. You had something incredibly traumatic happen and you need to grieve. It hurts, it sucks, but you need to feel it to start healing.

Also, there's nothing wrong whatsoever desiring companionship and sex. If you run across anyone who peaks your interest don't feel bad for pursuing it. Letting someone show you some love and kindness after all that might be very helpful.


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## David60525

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I’m just angry right now. Everything I endured thinking we were just going through a phase.. all for nothing. All to be left with nothing, no note, no really I’m sorry but.. nothing.
> 
> He shot himself and left nothing. My husband was a ****. He was not shy about admitting he was a selfish man and most knew it, I just NEVER thought he’d be this selfish. Not ever. I can look back, as I’m sure I’ve said in a mother post and see these last months where I thought it was me this whole time, was really just me being a punching bag, his outlet because I was it. The only thing he could take his frustration out on simply because he wasn’t going to do it to himself and face things from his past.
> 
> Now, if I’m brutally honest, I’m a 35 year old woman, enraged, sexually frustrated, frustrated about the wanting I feel to be with some. I’m disgusted with myself, I love and hate my late husband, I’m pissed at myself, I’m tearing my home apart doing all the things to it we planned, I’m effing mentally exhausted and there is just no respite.
> 
> I know I need counseling, it’s just a matter of timing and insurance kicking in. I’m just here venting, I know there’s no answers but to go through all these things.
> 
> Damn him for leaving us this way. Me, I’m one thing, used to not being taken into account, but our almost 5 year old, that he just had to have, had a vasectomy reversal to get..?? I could just punch him in the face for dissing him like this. He’s fine now, sure but what about in ten years when he’s a teen.. 👊🏻 In the face 100x.
> 
> And HOW, how am I ever going to be able to trust again. I can’t even fathom a time. I feel absolutely tainted, ruined. Unworthy of so much.


Sorry, you will recover,


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## Lapm

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I’m just angry right now. Everything I endured thinking we were just going through a phase.. all for nothing. All to be left with nothing, no note, no really I’m sorry but.. nothing.
> 
> He shot himself and left nothing. My husband was a ****. He was not shy about admitting he was a selfish man and most knew it, I just NEVER thought he’d be this selfish. Not ever. I can look back, as I’m sure I’ve said in a mother post and see these last months where I thought it was me this whole time, was really just me being a punching bag, his outlet because I was it. The only thing he could take his frustration out on simply because he wasn’t going to do it to himself and face things from his past.
> 
> Now, if I’m brutally honest, I’m a 35 year old woman, enraged, sexually frustrated, frustrated about the wanting I feel to be with some. I’m disgusted with myself, I love and hate my late husband, I’m pissed at myself, I’m tearing my home apart doing all the things to it we planned, I’m effing mentally exhausted and there is just no respite.
> 
> I know I need counseling, it’s just a matter of timing and insurance kicking in. I’m just here venting, I know there’s no answers but to go through all these things.
> 
> Damn him for leaving us this way. Me, I’m one thing, used to not being taken into account, but our almost 5 year old, that he just had to have, had a vasectomy reversal to get..?? I could just punch him in the face for dissing him like
> 
> 
> Bulfrog1987 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I’m just angry right now. Everything I endured thinking we were just going through a phase.. all for nothing. All to be left with nothing, no note, no really I’m sorry but.. nothing.
> 
> He shot himself and left nothing. My husband was a ****. He was not shy about admitting he was a selfish man and most knew it, I just NEVER thought he’d be this selfish. Not ever. I can look back, as I’m sure I’ve said in a mother post and see these last months where I thought it was me this whole time, was really just me being a punching bag, his outlet because I was it. The only thing he could take his frustration out on simply because he wasn’t going to do it to himself and face things from his past.
> 
> Now, if I’m brutally honest, I’m a 35 year old woman, enraged, sexually frustrated, frustrated about the wanting I feel to be with some. I’m disgusted with myself, I love and hate my late husband, I’m pissed at myself, I’m tearing my home apart doing all the things to it we planned, I’m effing mentally exhausted and there is just no respite.
> 
> I know I need counseling, it’s just a matter of timing and insurance kicking in. I’m just here venting, I know there’s no answers but to go through all these things.
> 
> Damn him for leaving us this way. Me, I’m one thing, used to not being taken into account, but our almost 5 year old, that he just had to have, had a vasectomy reversal to get..?? I could just punch him in the face for dissing him like this. He’s fine now, sure but what about in ten years when he’s a teen.. 👊🏻 In the face 100x.
> 
> And HOW, how am I ever going to be able to trust again. I can’t even fathom a time. I feel absolutely tainted, ruined. Unworthy of so much.
> 
> 
> 
> Grief takes so many different forms, and everyones journey is different. what you’re feeling is normal. Vent, scream, beat up your pillow, let it out. This is “normal”. I’m glad you recognize you need counseling. No need to wait for insuranc, there are many organizations that offer support. Try your local hosp, do an internet search. i went to several groups after my husband died (from illness). if you go to a group and it’s not for you, try another one. It really helps to be with people who have similar issues. I promise you, it does get better eventually.
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## Northern.Guy

Bulfrog1987 I have read your other posts from before the suicide. I am shocked at the way you have been treated and your gracious attitude towards your husband should leave you with no guilt about this. I hope one day that you find a man who loves and cherishes you as it should be. In ten years when your son has questions, he may well be a grounded young man with a father figure worth emulating.


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