# Work "widow" need advice, support



## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

*Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

I'm not going to come right out and say my husband is a workaholic. I understand his crazy hours are a normal part of his corporate culture. But his job is ruining our marriage!

Background - we've been married close to 20 years now. We have one son in 7th grade. When we married, my husband was an academic - an adjunct professor (taught computer science) working on his PhD. He was making about $30,000 a year. I was a college student in one of his classes. (No we were not a cliche about a student/teacher relationship he wasn't married and we're only 6 years apart and we didn't start dating until after I was no longer his student). I was planning on getting an MLS and becoming an academic librarian. (Didn't happen.)

Fast forward just a few years. His dissertation tanked. He got let go from the college. Around the same time, his brother got involved in a startup IT company, and invited him to come work there as well. The money was better, but the hours started to get crazy. He was working about 60+ hours a week. I was in grad school at this point but dropped out after I got pregnant.

The company got bought out and he (and his brother) both got let go. He bounced around doing IT contracts but somehow none of them ever lasted long and he was never offered a permanent position. A few years ago, he was approached by another startup with a position for an Oracle DBA/ERP administrator (don't ask). Higher salary (comfortable 6 figures) than either one of us had ever imagined. Nice new house, new cars - sounds great, right?

Except, he's never home anymore, except to sleep. He is working 7 days a week, 12 or more hours a day. He literally will come stumbling in at 2 or 3 am, crash in the guest room because he says he doesn't want to wake me. I leave for work at 8. In case anyone is wondering I'm an independent travel agent - commission work but pretty good money - I made about $50 grand last year. I would work from home but our housing development co-op rules don't allow home offices. He's still dead to the world when I leave. He gets up when he's ready and goes straight back to work. I get out at 4:30, pick up our son, we do our thing for the evening and go to bed, him at 8:30, me around 10. And the whole cycle repeats. I have deliberately taken time off from work to be home when hubby wakes up so that we can talk. Every time I've done this, he's basically ignored me, gotten ready for work around me, and left with nothing getting accomplished. We haven't had sex in over a year and we used to have a really good sex life. And I'll say up front I don't think he's cheating - there are almost no women employed by his company and I don't know where he'd find the time outside of work. His job has simply completely taken over his life. I feel like a single mom. He misses birthdays. He misses holidays. He misses family weddings and funerals. He goes to work even when he's sick. I dont' remember the last time we had a family meal together. He hasn't used a single sick, personal, or vacation day since he started this job 3 years ago. The last time he took a day off was because his car died and he spent the day buying a new one. Some family time, he didn't even invite us to go with him. He's got to be killing himself. There are cigarette ashes all over his car and he never used to smoke. I find receipts in his laundry for tons of restaurants and far too many of them are fast food. A lot of them have high alcohol tabs and he never used to drink either. Sometimes he goes out of the country for weeks at a time and the only way I know he's gone is that he leaves notes on the fridge telling me.

I'm lonely, I'm sad, I feel bad for my son who misses his dad. He hasn't made it to a soccer game or school event in a couple of years now, even when our son made it to the regional level of the Scripps Spelling Bee last year. And the money isn't worth it! I would gladly go back to the $40,000 a year life we used to live to have a normal family again. And I've tried to tell him that but he doesn't listen.

I love this man. Or at least, I love the man he used to be before he took this job. He's always been a responsible person, I'm not surprised he's putting so much effort into the company, and I know that startups can be time consuming. I've talked to the other company wives and they all say their husbands are the same way, so I know it's not just him. But most of them seem content to spend their husbands' hard earned money on expensive cars and designer clothes even if their marriages are practically non-existent. I'm not like that. I could care less about the money. I don't think my husband cares about the money either. I think he's lost so many jobs in the past that he's afraid to jeopardize this one by working less hours than his co-workers. I also think he likes the power he seems to think he has. But honestly I don't talk to him often enough to know what he thinks about anything anymore. We haven't had a non-text conversation in weeks, maybe months, now, and those are mostly made up of me telling him where we're going to be if we're not going to be home for any reason, or inviting him to join us for events he never shows up for.

I really, really, really want him to quit this job even if it means taking a huge pay cut. Hell, even if it means having to sell our fancy house in its fancy housing development (you're right if you think I don't like the house - it's too ostentatious for me). I'd be happier in a farmhouse of in the countryside. Find something with less hours, preferably no travel, where he might be able to have a normal family life again. Am I wrong to want to feel like we are still part of his life? Am I selfish to want him to leave a job that apparently makes him happy (I assume he would quit if he wasn't)? I know from experience that most startups fail, maybe I should just sit back and wait for that to happen. But then I feel petty about feeling that way.

Is there anyone else here who feels like the stereotypical work widow? Because I could really use some support. I'm so incredibly lonely these days. And there are times when I almost hate him, when we go to school events and I see all the kids there with BOTH their parents and I have to tell my son once again that no, daddy isn't coming. I think most of the people at our school and church probably think I'm a single mother. Which is exactly what I feel like.

Oh and one more thing that's really got me worried lately. He's brought home several traffic tickets in the past few months which has me worried that he's so exhausted driving home that he's not driving safely. He's just thrown them on the kitchen counter and I assume he just wants me to pay them because he doesn't have time to make the court appearances necessary to fight them. If he keeps it up, he'll lose his license. I just really wish he'd talk to me so I could tell him how I feel. Our 20th anniversary is this summer but I don't even really feel married anymore.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would think it's pretty easy for him to find a good job as an Oracle DBA without all these hours.

What you describe is way over the top. You are not wrong to be upset. He is not a husband or a father. Basically his relationhip to his family is he is a pay check. This is not a marriage.

Marriages require togetherness like humans require air. Very hard to survive without it.

What you have to do is tell him you need a 9-5 type husband and ask him to choose between that and having you initiate a divorce process.

What you will find is either he has an inappropriate idea of what a man is supposed to do to provide for his family, or he is additcted to this and cannot give it up. The former will result in a reconciliation, the latter should result in you keeping the divorce process going.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

I'm sure he could easily find another job. We're in southern CT and he works over the border in NY. Lots of businesses, even lots of other startups coming and going. I think he doesn't want to leave this one because he's trying to convince himself he's capable of keeping a job - since he quit teaching, he's never held a single position for more than 18 months. He's not really a people person so even though he's great at what he does he's not great at interpersonal relationships which are needed if you want your employer to be loyal to you. This company is more hard core tech than anything he's done before so I think he fits the corporate culture better - he's pretty much stuck in a server room all day with little need for human interaction. But sometimes I really feel like he loves computers more than he loves his family - almost like a video game addict.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Stop assigning thoughts to him.

What you have to figure out is whether he can be a husband and a father.

When faced with the loss of a job, he seems to work very hard at being the ideal employee.

Will he be the ideal husband and father when faced with losing his family? I think that's what you want to find out more about.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

OK I see your point but how do I do this when I never see him long enough to have a conversation? I'm certainly not going to just dump divorce papers on him out of the blue! The way things have been going lately, I honestly think if one morning I stayed home and told him I was considering divorce, he'd probably say something like, we can't get divorced I don't have time to deal with it! And then just leave for work like always. Maybe I'm oversimplifying but this is the same guy who left son and I home alone for 3 days last week with a severe case of stomach flu even though I was so sick I couldn't take care of myself much less an equally sick child. He said he had too much going on at work that he couldn't possibly miss. He has this really strange idea that missing a day of work will get him fired or something. I don't have a clue why unless he's having problems at work he's not telling me about. I was almost wishing he'd get sick too he would have missed work then I can guarantee that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> OK I see your point but how do I do this when I never see him long enough to have a conversation?


If it really this important, you make the time. Nope, no excuses and no exceptions for either of you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You only need to have a 5 minute conversation with him.
If he refuses to have a conversation, then go see a lawyer.
If he continues to refuse to speak to you then leave divorce papers on the seat of his car with a yellow sticky note on them asking if he would like to discuss anything before you file them with the court.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

I HAVE made the time. I'm self-employed, I can take a day off whenever I want. He's the one who keeps refusing to stay home. I know, I've tried. I was home for 3 days straight this past week. Granted I was puking most of it and when I wasn't puking I was cleaning up after a kid who was puking. If he would have stayed home with us, I would have found some way to talk to him between bouts of puking.

I'm really glad I found this place. I've been reading some of the other forums and some of the posts from people who are having affairs have really struck a nerve, because I can see myself getting to that point if my marriage continues the way it is, if the opportunity ever presented itself. Even if only an emotional affair just because I so desperately need someone to talk to and just someone to hug me once in a while. It's probably a good thing right now that I don't have co-workers because if nothing else I'm terribly afraid I'd be dumping on them inappropriately. And I don't want to cheat on him, his ex did that and it just about destroyed him - that was over 2 decades ago and he's still never forgiven her. He's actually told me more than once that if he ever found out I was cheating he'd probably kill himself. I don't want to hurt him, it's just that I'm so damned lonely these days. Everyone says just get a divorce if you're so unhappy you're thinking of cheating. I don't want a divorce OR to cheat I just want some adult companionship other than these stupid "Stepford wives" that make up most of our lovely little gated community housing development. And I miss sex - a lot. We used to have a great sex life I don't know how he can be any more happy without it than I am.

So how do I force him to talk to me? So far every time I've tried he's told me he can't afford to miss/be late for work, and has simply walked out. I've actually considered taking our son and moving out, but that could be considered constructive abandonment and cause a lot of trouble if we did end up in court - like losing the house or even custody of my son.

I don't want to divorce him just because he's gotten himself caught up in some kind of work addiction. If the company really does require this kind of "devotion" from their employees (and it seems they do) he may truly believe he has a valid need to be putting in these kinds of hours. He was/is a good man! He just seems like he's gotten into something he can't seem to get back out of - almost like drugs or alcohol. If he was into those things, I wouldn't abandon him, I'd try to get him help! But how do you get someone help for something they (and most other people really) don't consider a problem? I can just see it now, going to court and telling the judge I want my husband sent to rehab because he's addicted to his job.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

No offense Hicks everyone is entitled to their own opinion but what I'd really like is some advice on how I might save my marriage, not just give up on it. I still love this guy and I can't imagine ever being happy with anyone else.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I have been learning a lot about relationships in the last year, and the most crucial thing is communication. Its also truly the most difficult thing to accomplish when things are not going well. I am not sure why its so hard to just SAY what we need to say to the one we are supposed to be the safest and most close to. I guess its easy when things are good, but not when things are bad. 

YOu just need to SAY it to him! Tell him you are miserable and miss him and refuse to live this way any longer! That this is no joke, he needs to wake up and realize what hes missed and about to miss out on forever. It will take you 30 seconds to say. Wether he makes the time to deal with it is his call, and ultimately your answer. 

Its really that simple. The saying it isn't the hard part, you are probably hesitant because you are afraid of what his response will be. 

Also, and this might be way off and is in no way an excuse, but could he have some minor form of PTSD or something about being fired all those times? You said it yourself, its like hes afraid he will be fired if he misses a second of work.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

[QUOTE

YOu just need to SAY it to him! Tell him you are miserable and miss him and refuse to live this way any longer! That this is no joke, he needs to wake up and realize what hes missed and about to miss out on forever. 

Its really that simple. The saying it isn't the hard part, you are probably hesitant because you are afraid of what his response will be. 

Also, and this might be way off and is in no way an excuse, but could he have some minor form of PTSD or something about being fired all those times? You said it yourself, its like hes afraid he will be fired if he misses a second of work.[/QUOTE]

I'm not afraid of talking to him - he simply doesn't listen! Every single time I have confronted him he has told me he will be late for work and then walked out on me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I've tried probably a dozen times in the past 6 months. I've even lost my temper a couple of them - he doesn't even notice. All he seems to care about is his job.

I'm trying to think how many times he's lost a job. I know that having his dissertation blow out so badly really scarred him. His original plan had been to stay with that particular university permanently if he could just get tenure. He really loved it there. But once academia had rejected him, it's like there was no going back. He's never tried to redo the dissertation or get another academic position since. Then there was the startup that failed after less than two years - totally not his fault. After that there was the IT job at the power company. He actually got fired from that job supposedly for sexually harassing a female co-worker but he swore he was set up and I've seen it happen so I believe him, it's not in his character to do something like that. He's honestly too shy around most women to act that way. The next few jobs were contracts that were never renewed when the renewal option came up. He never told me if he had any idea why - maybe he didn't know. This current company actually approached him after finding his resume online. I wonder now if they were deliberately looking for people with good computer skills but poor work history - people who would be desperate enough for the job to put up with the awful hours. But yeah, I do think he's absolutely terrified of losing this job. It just breaks my heart that he seems willing to sacrifice his family's happiness in order to keep it.

I just shot him off a text message asking him if he would PLEASE come home for dinner tonight. We'll see how (or if) he responds.

I do kind of wonder if after all this time he's maybe afraid to have a conversation with me because he's got a pretty good idea of how it's going to go...not that I would EVER be so manipulative as to actually ask him to choose between me and the job. All I want is for him to cut back on his hours, not actually quit!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Show him this post. 

Seriously. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Then, you can make a decision as to what YOU are going to do.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You don't get it. What hicks is saying is that you're at the point where you have to give him the option of listening to you or divorcing, because right now he has ZERO incentive to change. 

If his wife's happiness was enough you wouldn't be at this point. 

Sometimes the best way to save a marriage is to be willing to let it go. 

Keep doing what you're doing and keep getting what you're getting. Either shock him with divorce papers or live with what you've got..... that may be what this comes down to. 

You can't save your marriage alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Of course you want to save your marriage, but as is so often the case here, the only way you can save your marriage is by being willing to nuke it.

Since he won't listen to you, you will have to *make *him listen by giving him divorce papers.

If he doesn't pay attention to that, then he is a hopeless case, which is possible. But that is your only hope at this point.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

give him this port, or write him letter/e-mail, if you can not get him to give you five minutes out of the whole week.


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

I agree with Satya (edit: and with Wanda - our posts crossed). I was going to say that if you really believe he won't stop to listen when you tell him how you feel, then write him a letter - tell him just what you have told us here. He seems to be in denial and has to be made to understand how bad things are and how close he could be to losing you if things don't change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Well he turned down my request for dinner tonight. He's apparently got late meetings. I know his company is scheduled to IPO next month I keep telling myself that maybe things will improve after that. But considered how much an IPO can change a company it could also get worse. Well, I guess it probably couldn't get worse. 

I texted him back asking him if he might get some downtime after the IPO. Hopefully I'll get a more positive answer.

Maybe an email would be a good idea. He's certainly more responsive to texts than to face to face conversations. I just haven't wanted to start a fight via text because I don't want him to shut me out there as well.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hick's advice is sound. Make the time to talk. No, being sick and taking days of is not the same as "I took 3 days off to talk with my husband and he ignored me for work."
You tell him quickly, even if he seems dismissive, "you've missed x,y,z and are never home, we either talk about this or I will take your silence or "busy at work" as where your priorities lie.

Missed your post while I was replying. Asking for dinner, while harboring this resentment, is disingenuous on your part. You need to stop being nice.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Stop being nice...

Easier said than done. I'm a classic conflict avoider. For that matter so is he. Which is why just telling him I'm unhappy enough to consider divorce is so hard. There's a part of me that knows I'd just be bluffing if I threaten him with divorce, and what if he calls my bluff and tells me he doesn't care? I've been surviving this by telling myself he still loves me and that he's just got his priorities all messed up. I don't know if I can handle finding out I'm wrong. This life sucks but losing him completely would suck even more. It would be different if I didn't love him so very much but prior to this job he was the greatest husband and father you could imagine.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If the IPO goes off successfully, will he get rich as an immediate result? That is, will he have salable stock worth a lot of money right away?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP you need to take action. What if the shoe was on the other foot...would he put up with you being non-existent in your marriage? Job or no job...he is neglecting you and your child and he needs to know that something has got to give...or you cannot stay in the relationship. He has been carrying on this way for quite some time and seems to be oblivious to the fact that he is destroying your marriage. WHY is it that he doesn't care that he has no sex life anymore? You have to get him to wake up and see that something needs to change, or else you cannot sit around waiting for him to give you 15 minutes of his time so you can talk to him. YOU and YOUR son should matter to him more than this job....sorry.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

While I can understand the "having to do whatever it takes" attitude in fear of losing his job again the schedule you are describing is crazy. 

Taking no sick time or days off in 3 years will literally kill him. I used to work some crazy hours in my early career, I think 126 hour week was my best in a two week spell of 18 hour nights. When you work like that you are not working well, you make mistakes on top of mistakes and the level of fatigue built up doesn't get eliminated by one, two or even a few good nights sleep. He is not thinking clearly and the work may be acting in a similar way to an addiction. There seems to be a mind set that a dedicated employee is at work whatever hours are needed but there is little point working 100+ hours a week when you are only 60% productive. Many of the hours will be spend redoing or redesigning something that could have been done correctly first time by a person thinking clearly.

If he isn't at home to talk then you may want to email him a link to this thread. Make it clear that he needs to make a choice between having a family and his work.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

As far as the IPO - he's not an employee just a contractor. So no, there's no money in it for him. Maybe a nice bonus, they certainly pay him well enough. No one has ever actually hired him as a "permanent" employee. Pretty common in his field. I do think this company is screwing him over but he doesn't seem to see it.

Actually from what I know of corporate IPO's there's a pretty good chance he may lose his job when the dust settles anyway. Which in my opinion considering we have plenty of savings would be a good thing.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

My advice is about saving your marriage. There is a world of difference between starting the divorce process and "getting a divorce".

If you don't change anything, nothing will change. You can't have a conflict and avoid a conflict at the same time. This is your life. You are not happy and it's essential that you find a way to get the point through to him that unless he stops working to this degree, he will lose his marriage and family. And in order for him to see that, you have to see that. I see it because you are already talking about cheating. As in you would rather cheat then spend a little discomfort and persistance in getting him to see what's in front of him.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

My life just went from bad to worse. In response to my text asking if he thought he'd be home more after the IPO, he just told me that the company has asked him to do at least 2-3 months of traveling setting up their database systems in several satellite offices they plan to open with the money from the IPO. They must be expecting it to go well, which is great for them but not for me.
Maybe reading all these other threads here wasn't such a good idea after all. Now I'm paranoid that he's actually cheating after all and that this planned travel is an exit strategy. If it weren't for my son having to be in school I'd seriously consider insisting that he take us with him. We haven't had a family vacation in over a decade now. And here I am a travel agent...that's pretty pathetic.
I'm at a point of seriously considering texting him back asking him if our marriage means anything to him anymore or if it's just a bed to sleep in and someone to do his laundry and get his dry cleaning done.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> Stop being nice...
> 
> Easier said than done. I'm a classic conflict avoider. For that matter so is he. Which is why just telling him I'm unhappy enough to consider divorce is so hard. There's a part of me that knows I'd just be bluffing if I threaten him with divorce, and what if he calls my bluff and tells me he doesn't care?


Well you don't have to start the conversation with "I want a divorce". You can tell him straight that you have had it with the hours and that you need a husband back and your son(?) needs a father. He needs to decide and tell you which one is important to him. 



theworkwidow said:


> My life just went from bad to worse. In response to my text asking if he thought he'd be home more after the IPO, he just told me that the company has asked him to do at least 2-3 months of traveling setting up their database systems in several satellite offices they plan to open with the money from the IPO. They must be expecting it to go well, which is great for them but not for me.
> Maybe reading all these other threads here wasn't such a good idea after all. Now I'm paranoid that he's actually cheating after all and that this planned travel is an exit strategy. If it weren't for my son having to be in school I'd seriously consider insisting that he take us with him. We haven't had a family vacation in over a decade now. And here I am a travel agent...that's pretty pathetic.
> I'm at a point of seriously considering texting him back asking him if our marriage means anything to him anymore or if it's just a bed to sleep in and someone to do his laundry and get his dry cleaning done.


You don't need to start suspecting him of cheating just because this thread has suggested it. Do you get to see his business side at all? If he's a contractor then his timesheets and billing should match up with the time away from home less travel time.

Since he's a contractor it sounds like he is doing all the extra work so that someone else can make a load of money i.e. being taken for a ride. He needs to realize that contractors are employed as they are easily terminated not because someone is recognizing the value they add to the business.

He isn't committed to traveling for them just because they ask. They can get another contractor. If he is that irreplaceable then his hourly terms should reflect that.

How about you and your son take a vacation together? I know that doesn't achieve what you want but it will give you a break and he might get the idea how lonely the house can be while you get to send him regular photos of your son doing things that would normally have his father with him. Just tell him straight that you are booking a 2 week vacation somewhere nice and is he coming? Then go.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I still think you should just link him this post. He'll either get it or not. He'll absorb it or reject it. Either way, you won't be wondering and driving yourself mad with anxiety.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

He really doesn't get it. I just sent him a reminder that his mother's 80th birthday is this weekend and she's going to be really hurt if he doesn't come to the party. Got a reply back that his mother will understand. Of course she will he's supporting her in a way his father could never afford to. So she won't say a word. But I know she misses seeing him just as much as I do.

I think I need to let this go for today. I'm just getting really really upset and I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing something stupid like asking him if he wants a divorce via text. Which is just guaranteed to piss him off because it will ruin his concentration at work.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why are you so concerned with tiptoeing around him and kissing his a$$?

Tell him that is doesn't want to behave like a married man he can be single. If he's cheating it'll come out eventually.

It's time to play hardball.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You haven't had sex in a year? Is this because you are never together or one of you isn't interested? Is he smoking or is someone else in his car smoking? Have you ever driven by his office late at night verify he is there? I'm not trying to make you paranoid that he is cheating but that is what I would be wondering if I were you. He has totally checked out of your marriage. I feel sorry for your son, his Dad has not been there for him. You husband will regret that as your son may never want to try and bond with his Dad. 

He has lost a few jobs so he could also be working these hours because he wants to be valued as an employee so he won't be let go again but he is overdoing it, meanwhile don't sit around waiting for him, you and your son make your own life, odds are this marriage isn't going to survive if he doesn't reduce his hours.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

theworkwidow, (great name for your condition BTW) I too am a workwidow, and I understand some of your predicament.

I typed up my story for you, so you would know that I understand you, but I deleted it because I don't want to threadjack.

Your marriage is headed off a cliff, and if you don't set boundaries now it is going to crash anyway...believe me, I know.

If you are afraid to tell your husband he has to decide to set boundaries with his work, because you are afraid he will get angry and choose his work over you, know this: he will choose his work over you, or will have an affair eventually anyway.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT have a affair. If your husband chooses to not figure out a way to spend more time at home, divorce him.

The correct order is this:

1. Communicate to your husband that his being home more is non negotiable. Tell him that you need a husband who is physically present in your life. You need HIM, not just his paycheck. Tell him that his taking a cut in pay is OK, as long as he is home with you more.

2. If he refuses to adjust his schedule, serve him with D papers.

3. If this doesn't wake him up, follow through with the divorce.

4. THEN find companionship.

Your marriage is going to change: either he comes home and you start having a marriage again, or one of you is going to have an affair, or one of you is going to eventually file for divorce and then find someone else.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> As far as the IPO - he's not an employee just a contractor. So no, there's no money in it for him. Maybe a nice bonus, they certainly pay him well enough. No one has ever actually hired him as a "permanent" employee. Pretty common in his field. I do think this company is screwing him over but he doesn't seem to see it.
> 
> Actually from what I know of corporate IPO's there's a pretty good chance he may lose his job when the dust settles anyway. Which in my opinion considering we have plenty of savings would be a good thing.


Then it's even more ridiculous. I see you have plenty of savings, and he can get another job fairly easily if he is good. There's nothing wrong with being a contractor; I've done it myself several times and it has its advantages.

He needs to tell them he's not going to give up his marriage for a paycheck.

Or you need to give him a choice: crazy hours or you.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh dear. 

My condolences to you. I'm going to split my reply into two parts. The first part is what your husband is doing wrong. And the second part is going to be about what your husband is doing wrong. 

Ok. First off. Your husband doesn't understand the concept of a contractor. probably from inexperience. You see, he pretty much gave over control of his life to the company by doing what he is doing. And take it from my experience, as an employer, I'll let anyone work as much as they want. It benefits me, and I get what I want. The fact that he won't be included in the IPO is also a downfall for him. He does all the work with no additional goal. I worked hours like your husband at one time. Mind you, I was single and I was an employee. So when we hit IPO it was worth it. After that, I told the company hire more people now because I'm burnt out. Fire me if you want, I'll cash in my stocks. You guys decide. 

What he should be doing is that he states he works 8 hours a day in his contract, after that it's double pay for four hours, then triple pay after that. That way, the company decides if they want to spend that cash on his excessive hours. There needs to be "consequences" for a company making him work 16 hour days. Right now there is not. They hold all the cards. 
In some contracts, I've stated I'll only work 8 hours a day and I get to have a "vote" in situations where I'll be asked to work overtime. That way, there's a bit of give and take in the negotiations. 

Now. I know this doesn't really help you out. I'll get to that in a moment. But I'll state that Oracle DBAs are a prized commodity. I can see his dedication coming from a fear of losing his job, but i don't think he actually realizes his hiring potential. There's a reason I pay 150 to 200 clams an hour for oracle guys when I need them.

Ok. Now...the second part. What he's doing wrong. 

Well. Everything. And he's blind to it. He's so caught up in his fear of outperforming young single girls and guys working 16 hour days it's blinded him to what's really important. And as stated above, he's also blind to the fact that he has nothing to gain from it except more cash. He's a contractor. He won't be promoted to VP or made regional manager of whatever. That's the life of a contractor. 

What you need to realize is that this won't change. People don't change. They get stuck in a meme and think that's just how it's supposed to be. 

Well. That is, until you nuke him with consequences of his actions. He truly needs to feel deep in his soul what he's going to lose. Because people don't change until they are forced to dangle from a cliff. Once there, they either decide to let themselves fall off, or take the harder path of struggling to climb back up and stand on that mountain again with a newly found insight to the way reality is. This is just the way human psychology works. 

The only way for you to do this is to push him to that edge. Divorce papers? Yup. An intervention? Yup. He needs to understand that he's alienating you and your son. And at the end of the day, after all those cheque a come rolling in, is it worth it when his son actually resents or hates him? Is it worth it when he's worked so hard for the "success" of a divorce? 

The only true power and move you have right now is to tell him exactly this. That's it. That's all you can do. And whatever it takes, you need to do this one thing. No excuses about him working late. Him being too busy. You need to make this happen. It's the only next step you can do. 

After that, it's really all up to him. The ball will be in his court. He either let's gravity win and fall off the cliff, or use all his strength to climb back up and stand tall and proud with his family. 

Best wishes.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Oh dear.
> 
> My condolences to you. I'm going to split my reply into two parts. The first part is what your husband is doing wrong. And the second part is going to be about what your husband is doing wrong.
> 
> ...


I wish I could "Like" this 10 times. Listen to him!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Well beyond time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting" and sharing this topicary posting with him! He needs to realize that his noted absence from this marital union is totally subjecting it to doom!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> *Well beyond time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting" and sharing this topicary posting with him! He needs to realize that his noted absence from this marital union is totally subjecting it to doom!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As an aside to the posts' topic....


Arbitrator,

One thing I truly admire is your use of the English language. I've never seen so many posts that are so consice and to the point with so few words in them. You truly are a word smith.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

theworkwidow said:


> He really doesn't get it. I just sent him a reminder that his mother's 80th birthday is this weekend and she's going to be really hurt if he doesn't come to the party. Got a reply back that his mother will understand. Of course she will he's supporting her in a way his father could never afford to. So she won't say a word. But I know she misses seeing him just as much as I do.
> 
> I think I need to let this go for today. I'm just getting really really upset and I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing something stupid like asking him if he wants a divorce via text. Which is just guaranteed to piss him off because it will ruin his concentration at work.


The next time he stops by home and the kids aren't in the room, lay it out for him. Say you are not happy and considering divorce if things do not change, then tell him what those things are. If you are calm and factual, he will probably take you more seriously. Come from a position of strength and certainty in what you need and what you are going to do if you do not receive it.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

"I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing something stupid like asking him if he wants a divorce via text. Which is just guaranteed to piss him off because it will ruin his concentration at work."

I have to ask....why the "fear" of pissing him off? You've been without a husband for three years. You are dangling off your own cliff of of a life changing event. 

Do you know how to get someone's attention when they just refuse to give you any attention? You say something that "pisses" them off. 

I'll guarantee you that he will then focus all his attention back to you, pissed off or not. And he will be as alert as a meerkat looking for lions. 

Perhaps then you can finally have the "conversation" you need to have with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Write him a letter and put it on his pillow. Tell him exactly what you'be told us here.

DH was offered a similar opportunity a few years ago. He turned it down because it basically meant he'd never see his family. There's just no point. We work to live, not live to work, well, some of us anyway. I live to be with the ppl I love. He needs to figure out his priorities in life. You need to stop putting up with the situation and do whatever you have to in order to get his attention. 

You say you can't threaten divorce but if you continue to coast along just hoping things will change it'll end up happening anyway, just with a few more miserable years under your belt.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> As an aside to the posts' topic....
> 
> 
> Arbitrator,
> ...


*alpha ~ thank you for your extremely kind words ~ but to be perfectly honest with you, I'd be most afraid of not making an honest attempt in communicating the King's written English in such a way that is clear and concise to comprehend!

Besides, my old man, who never quite made it to college, other than to witness an occasional sporting event, and who unselfishly contributed to both my and my brothers college educations has been dead and gone for sometime now; and if I failed to communicate in such a way that was displeasing to him, he might come back with a vengeance and kick my a$$ as a show in displeasure for abusing the use of those contributions for my college tuition!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You've already done the work in your OP, I'd just copy out that bit of honest truth and hand it to him. 

If you re-write it in a letter, I bet it'll be full of fluff he will ignore and then you'll feel hurt. Just give it to him straight up, the time for kid gloves is well past.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Don't give him that post, it's too long. Just tell him what you need to say without all the extra. "You're never home, I'm not happy with the situation and feel like we don't have a marriage anymore. So you wanna fix it or discuss divorce?" 
Tell him you want an answer by the time his long trip starts so you can plan accordingly and make necessary changes while he's gone.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

So first of all I don't really think he is cheating. I don't know where he'd find the time. I'm friends with some of his coworkers and their wives and the thing I constantly here from them is how dedicated he is to the job. A lot of the other guys work similar hours but they are quite a bit younger (H is pushing 50) and a lot of them are also single. Yes, he is the one smoking, his clothes reek of it and I've found the wrappers in his pockets. I've found the receipts. The smoking doesn't bother me half as much as the huge alcohol tabs I've been finding on his restaurant receipts. I'm truly worried that the next thing is going to be a DWI. Or that he'll simply get himself killed on the way home one night - he's got an 80 mile commute on a long dark stretch of interstate that tends to have a lot of problems with deer. Or what if he kills someone else? On top of all that I know he's constantly on his phone while driving and even though he's doing it legally by using the Bluetooth headset, it's STILL a distraction.

I've decided I'm going to let it go until after the IPO. There's no point distracting him when he's in crisis mode. I've waited this long I can wait 3 more weeks. But I'm going to tell him that he WILL take at least 3 days off between the IPO and going on the road and that if he doesn't he'll find himself locked out of the house with nothing but the clothes he took with him when he gets back.

What makes a man act like this though? We had such a good marriage and happy home life before he took this particular job. Is it really as simple as feeling like he has to compete with his younger coworkers no matter what the cost? Is he perhaps having a mid life crisis and subconsciously he is running away from me only with his job being his mistress instead of another woman? It's hard not to believe that I didn't play a part in this somehow. A man who loves his family just doesn't act like this for months on end unless he's really got his priorities all f'ed up. Did he get bored with me? He obviously lost interest in our sex life. Is he upset that I decided to start working again after our son got to middle school, instead of remaining at home? As much as he's gone, I can't imagine not working now, I'd go crazy from sheer loneliness. It's just hard for me to believe that he could continue on in this manner of he still cares for me. But at the same time it seems like if he was just upset with me he'd at least be trying to spend some time with our son. They used to be so close, I know our son really misses him. I think it hurt him even more than it did me last week when we were both so sick and he wouldn't even take time off to take care of us.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What makes a man act like this?

1. An overrwrought need to provide for his family and thinking that he is doing the right thing for his family. This means he does love you. He is just transmitting that love on a frequency that you cannot receive it. Misplaced priorities.

2. Extreme selfishness. 

You are burning yourself up but essentially you have to force him into making a choice and you will find out if it's #1 or #2.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Hicks said:


> What makes a man act like this?
> 
> 1. An overrwrought need to provide for his family and thinking that he is doing the right thing for his family. This means he does love you. He is just transmitting that love on a frequency that you cannot receive it. Misplaced priorities.
> 
> ...


I read through your original post. When you mentioned his unstable work history and then that he landed a well paying job beyond anything you both could have hoped for...then you bought "a nice house, nice cars". And somewhere along the line you also mentioned he's supporting his mother financially. That made me think he's probably desperately doing what he thinks he needs to do to keep his job, look good in front of management and keep providing. He's got a lot of people and bills now depending on him for that continued salary. If he's lost jobs before he may just be terrified and have low self esteem that he'd be able to easily find something equivalent to this job if he lost it. 

But there was one thing in your original post that had me leaning towards Item 2 in the post above. You said he has taken trips and let you know by leaving a post it on the fridge? Maybe I am overreacting but if my husband and the father of my children took a trip for work and did not tell me he was leaving except for a post it I found after he'd left? I'd consider that the death knell of my marriage. 

It takes so little effort to carve minor amounts of time out to keep connected with your wife and family. A phone call does not have to last more than 5 minutes. Texting. Email. Skype when he's on his smoke breaks or eating that fast food you are finding receipts for. 

And the drinking? I'd be wary of that. If he's got time to go to the bar, he's got time for his wife.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

kag123 said:


> But there was one thing in your original post that had me leaning towards Item 2 in the post above. You said he has taken trips and let you know by leaving a post it on the fridge? Maybe I am overreacting but if my husband and the father of my children took a trip for work and did not tell me he was leaving except for a post it I found after he'd left? I'd consider that the death knell of my marriage.
> 
> It takes so little effort to carve minor amounts of time out to keep connected with your wife and family. A phone call does not have to last more than 5 minutes. Texting. Email. Skype when he's on his smoke breaks or eating that fast food you are finding receipts for.
> 
> And the drinking? I'd be wary of that. If he's got time to go to the bar, he's got time for his wife.


This. If he's not finding time to let you know well in advance that he'll be out of town on business, then it's because he doesn't want to find that time. And, yes, if he's got time to eat out and go drinking, he's got time for his family. To me, this sounds more like a case of he can't be bothered and is completely taking you and your son for granted.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Hicks, in those 2 options, where would you place a desperate need to prove himself to the rest of the world? Because that's something I think he's had ever since he "flunked out" of grad school. Almost like he's trying to prove to his old professors that he's not the loser they made him out to be. I remember back when he had his dissertation defense. They tore him apart. Granted I wasn't there but from the things he told me, they were brutal to the point of abuse. Told him it was the worst dissertation they had ever seen, that they couldn't believe they had actually been letting him teach at their college, they didn't even give him the option to redo and resubmit because they said the paper was so bad as to be un salvageable. I was terrified for him for months after that. He was so incredibly depressed. I was really afraid he was suicidal. He told me more than once that he had known he was a total loser on a social level but that he had always believed in his ability to succeed in intellectual pursuits. To believe he was a failure there as well about destroyed him.

He really found himself again when he moved into programming and database administration. It was like he'd finally figured out where he belonged. But he kept not getting his contracts renewed and every time he lost another job he felt like a failure again even though he never had any trouble finding another job quickly. And in fact he always got great references from previous employers so I don't know why he always took the ending of his contracts so personally. And now it's like he's SO desperate not to lose THIS particular job that nothing else matters.

The thing that I keep thinking now, is what rejection is going to hurt him worse at this point? If he loses his marriage to save his job, or if he loses his job to save his marriage? I can't help but wonder if his escalated drinking has to do with his realizing that sooner or later it's going to be one or the other.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

*Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

High stress, little sleep, long commute with poor driving (tickets) smoking, drinking and a fast food diet. He's almost 50 when was the last time he had his blood pressure checked? 

You may not need to divorce him he might just drop dead or get into an accident. Make sure he buys good life insurance with all the money he is making. I would cover that base first before you start acting on the marriage situation. I'm not being sarcastic if you are married to him or not he needs a good will or trust to provide for your son. Long term health care plan in case he becomes disabled from heart attack, stroke or accident, 

My suggestion on your marriage is that you need to act not talk. He's not listening to you so start taking some action. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This would be extreme selfishness.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> I'm not afraid of talking to him - he simply doesn't listen! Every single time I have confronted him he has told me he will be late for work and then walked out on me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.


Ok, this really is simple. It takes about 10 SECONDS to say, "Husband, if you don't talk to me about this horrendous work situation and find some resolution, I AM FILING FOR DIVORCE."

Hicks isn't wrong. Stating that you are filing doesn't mean you HAVE to get a divorce. But what it does mean is -- it's a wake-up call for your clueless husband that your marriage will end if something doesn't change. And it WILL end one way or the other. Either he will drop dead from exhaustion or an alcohol-fueled car wreck, you will have an affair, or you will get a divorce.

If he walks out the door after receiving news like that, then you have your answer. He is choosing his job over his marriage.

(Btw, sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. You've been sexless for more than a year. It sounds like he has already pretty much made his choice.)


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

He's doing the eating out and drinking on his lunch and dinner breaks. I would assume with coworkers. He can't come home for those breaks because he has a fairly typical commute for people in our area - damn close to 2 hours one way when you factor in traffic. And he's not going to bars. The receipts are all either from the McDonalds on the interstate (eating while driving) or else one of the fancy restaurants close to work where his entire company seems to go every day. I have asked a couple of the other wives if their husbands drink a lot and I've been told that it's a pretty common part of this company's culture. But most of his coworkers are a lot younger. I really think part of the reason he was hired is because it's hard to find younger people with strong Oracle skills these days. Most of his coworkers are working with newer systems and programming languages.

Im so miserable today. I still haven't really shaken off whatever this bug is that I've had for over a week now. Today I stayed home in bed and he never even came in to find out why even though he must have seen that my car was still in the garage. Hell quite honestly I don't even know how he could possibly have missed the rather obvious sounds of my puking my guts out this morning.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It seems like you really just want to vent here, and not really take any of the advice you're being given. And that's ok if you just want to vent.

There IS a solution to your problem. You just don't want (or aren't ready) to believe there is... You're getting great advice here, but you're throwing up obstacles to all solutions. Be proactive, not REACTIVE to his crazy work life.

(Did you even read my post -- with suggestions -- just before your last post?)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

And my advice is to quit talking to the other wives. What they want for their marriages is obviously not what you want for yours.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Look, who knows the real answer as to why he's doing this? Some men and women just love to focus on work because home is a reminder of stress and adult life. It's like life's 2nd job to many and they'd do anything to avoid it. Somewhere home became less of a refuge and more of a prison. I don't get it personally, but it is that way sometimes for some people. 

We can only speculate as to the real reasons, but YOU can actually find out the truth if you confront him. There is never going to be an ideal time to bring this to him. It'll just be another after another excuse as to why you were avoiding the topic, trying to preserve him stress, meanwhile you're going increasingly mad... And getting more unhappy. Your happiness isn't going to come flying through the window like superman at just the right moment, and it isn't going to come from your man miraculously knowing what's bothering you. You have to act. 

Maybe someone else has a better plan than I do, but I seriously think you need to stop being afraid and lay it out for him. As I keep saying, his REACTION to you laying it out will be TELLING as to your next step.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

It's not that I'm ignoring the advice. Trust me I've been reading it very thoroughly. Unfortunately I'm so bloody sick I've barely been able to get out of bed lately except to puke. I think that's a lot of what brought me here, quite honestly. I'm so very hurt that he won't even take time off for us when we're sick. It made me realize I can't live like this anymore. I'm just trying to get better now so I can figure out what exactly I'm going to do. For now, I've made a dr appt for tomorrow afternoon -no one else in the neighborhood had this for more than 3 days and I've been sick over a week now. I know I'm getting dehydrated. I can't really deal with him until I get myself healthy again. 

I think come spring break, which is mid April, I'm going to pack up the kid and go spend some the week with my parents and MIL and see what they have to say. If we do divorce, I'm guessing he will probably want to sell the house and move closer to the city, and I already know my choice would be to move back home. It's been so hard dealing with all of this without a close support system. It shouldn't be in the least bit difficult to buy a nice little house in the Syracuse suburbs with the proceeds from the sale of our current ridiculous monstrosity. And I could easily take my business 100% online from a home office. There's a lot to think about. Just give me some time to think it over when I'm not running for the toilet yet again.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> I've decided I'm going to let it go until after the IPO. There's no point distracting him when he's in crisis mode. I've waited this long I can wait 3 more weeks. But I'm going to tell him that he WILL take at least 3 days off between the IPO and going on the road and that if he doesn't he'll find himself locked out of the house with nothing but the clothes he took with him when he gets back.


I would suggest that you let him know now and that as soon as the IPO happens you expect to see an immediate change.

If he makes future work commitments and then backs out of them that will probably affect his job search if he does one. At least with warning he can be upfront at work so they know his hours will not continue after the IPO and they need to plan for that.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> He's doing the eating out and drinking on his lunch and dinner breaks. I would assume with coworkers. He can't come home for those breaks because he has a fairly typical commute for people in our area - damn close to 2 hours one way when you factor in traffic. And he's not going to bars. The receipts are all either from the McDonalds on the interstate (eating while driving) or else one of the fancy restaurants close to work where his entire company seems to go every day. I have asked a couple of the other wives if their husbands drink a lot and I've been told that it's a pretty common part of this company's culture. But most of his coworkers are a lot younger. I really think part of the reason he was hired is because it's hard to find younger people with strong Oracle skills these days. Most of his coworkers are working with newer systems and programming languages.
> 
> Im so miserable today. I still haven't really shaken off whatever this bug is that I've had for over a week now. Today I stayed home in bed and he never even came in to find out why even though he must have seen that my car was still in the garage. Hell quite honestly I don't even know how he could possibly have missed the rather obvious sounds of my puking my guts out this morning.


So...work is fun and home is not. He's well liked there and gets to go out and socialize with his coworkers. He gets to drink on the company dime and he's got you to take care of all things home life related. What incentive does he have to change? 

This is why people are saying you should bring up divorce. That would be the only "incentive" he may have. If he doesn't want to lose you, he will step up. If he doesn't care, then you know exactly where you stand and what you need to do. 

That is scary and makes you very vulnerable. I get that. But you are currently living a life with an absent husband and raising a child alone that does not have a father in his life. My child having no time with his father would be my driving force to rock the boat and lay it on the line for him. 

Two hour commutes are the norm where I live too. Guess what - I have one and so does my husband. We both have very demanding jobs. We find ways to make it work and to still be present at home for each other and our kids.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> Stop being nice...
> 
> Easier said than done. I'm a classic conflict avoider. For that matter so is he. Which is why just telling him I'm unhappy enough to consider divorce is so hard. There's a part of me that knows I'd just be bluffing if I threaten him with divorce,


You need to either
1. decide you are going to take whatever crap he is slinging
2. don't be bluffing

That's it.



> and what if he calls my bluff and tells me he doesn't care? I've been surviving this by telling myself he still loves me and that he's just got his priorities all messed up. I don't know if I can handle finding out I'm wrong. This life sucks but losing him completely would suck even more.


Why? You get **** from this guy.

Didn't see your later post. Hope you are fully healthy soon.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

theworkwidow said:


> Stop being nice...
> 
> Easier said than done. I'm a classic conflict avoider. For that matter so is he. Which is why just telling him I'm unhappy enough to consider divorce is so hard. There's a part of me that knows I'd just be bluffing if I threaten him with divorce, and what if he calls my bluff and tells me he doesn't care? I've been surviving this by telling myself he still loves me and that he's just got his priorities all messed up. I don't know if I can handle finding out I'm wrong. This life sucks but losing him completely would suck even more.* It would be different if I didn't love him so very much but prior to this job he was the greatest husband and father you could imagine.*


I've never been in your shoes WorkWidow.. but I've always spoken as though -what is most important.. outside of being able to afford living, paying our bills on time, being responsible for our family.. is OUR TIME TOGETHER...I would NEVER be happy if my husband worked this many hours.. I'd feel like a lonely desperate housewife and it just wouldn't be good [email protected]# 

Sounds your husband is very employable (a blessing in our society!) with the experience he has.. you bring up some good points about a possible "Mid life crisis" going on...he's at that age..

When one of those hits.. we do things out of character for who we are.. and if something doesnt' intervene to wake us UP.. it could spell disaster.. the crumbling of your marriage is happening NOW.. and resentment will continue to grow if this doesn't get opened up, worked through so you both can be happy.. plus he sounds he is putting himself in danger with those tickets.. the drinking.. he can't be happy either.. not deep down.  

You will need to show him.. make him understand HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO YOU.. to your son.. you can't get these precious years back again... 

Considering the way you have described HIM before all of this.. I can see why it's so heartbreaking for you.. you just want your old husband back @#$


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

this might sound harsh but as a man, im going to lay it on ya.....if he gave a crap about you guys he would make time for you guys. He's clearly let work take over his life and by the sounds of things hes ok with that...this is a grown adult we are talking about here...he surely can see that he works all the time and spends no quality time with you or your son,,,,which is a real shame....You really need to print off divorce papers and hand him a copy and give him the ultimate choice, family or work.....Most would choose family instantly..it wouuld be a huge wake up call...if he has to think about it, then serve him the divorce papers. There is always time for him to snap out of it, but you clearly cant keep living like this, and think of what this is emotionally doing to your son. Money isnt everything and you can see that, so he needs to see it too. I feel badly for you. You want to save this marriage so badly...i was there as well. My ex cheated on me and screwed everything up.. Hes screwing it up for everyone in a different way. Nothing will change until you make changes. Simple as that


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband is going to be offended by being accused of working (too much). In his mind he is doing his best to provide for his family, and he is doing a good job.

You are going to have to point out to him that the family is living beyond what is necessary, and if his working less hours means that the family has to cut back (buy a smaller house, sell an expensive car to get rid of a car payment and by a used car with no payment, etc.) that it is worth it to you.

He feels trapped. You have to help him see that he is not trapped, and that there changes which can be made which are acceptable to both of you.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

HE was the one who wanted this lifestyle and all this crap. Personally, I hate it. I hate the 500k house that is too big for our family and requires a housekeeper just to keep it dusted. I hate the gated community where I can't even get pizza delivery without going through the bloody concierge service at the gatehouse. I hate his stupid gas guzzling environmentally unfriendly big black SUV. I hate the private school he insists our son go to. I hate the "Stepford wives" I'm surrounded at both at home and at school events. It's all stupid social climbing ostentation and there have been many many times I have wanted to walk away from it. I keep telling myself that sooner or later he will realize this isn't who we are. But I'm starting to think that maybe this is who HE is - now. I don't know what happened to that sweet grad student who wanted to save the world 20 years ago. I miss him. I was happier when we were penny pinching college kids. If this is what it means to be wealthy I'd rather go back to the quiet little lower middle class community I grew up in. At least it was real.

But I'm starting to realize that I may have to get the heck out just to make sure my son doesn't end up like all the other spoiled little rich kids in his preppy little rich kid school. His father is pushing for him to go to Harvard or Yale. He wants to go into the Navy like my father and my brother. This was one of our big fights back in the days he still came home to do something more than sleep. He says if son goes in the military he will cut him off without a penny. Sometimes I actually think he legitimately doesn't like our son very much - the kid's not a MENSA genius like he is - he'd rather play video games than develop them. Oh the horror! When I think if how much time my H spent playing Dungeons and Dragons when we were in college, I have to laugh at him getting upset because our son plays Minecraft!

Sometimes I do wonder why he doesn't just get an apartment closer to work. He can easily afford it and it would save him the ridiculous commute. I've been holding on to that as a sign that he's trying to maintain some sort of bond with us. Lately I don't feel so sure anymore.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

i hear you. Two blocks away from me across the green space are all the "rich" houses. 4000+ square feet and a starting price of 650k. 

I chose my little 1000sq ft bi level. Cost me a fraction of the price and I don't blow my income on outrageous taxes. I drive an economy car and we have one bigger suv for travel time. 

While the appeal is there to go big or bust, I like my little home. But I guess that's part of my upbringing. I grew up in a 150 year old farm house with no running water and no electricity. It was like the dark ages. But we survived. And I guess I learned a few things about the value of a dollar and what really makes you happy. And I get to go to all of my kids' activities and help them become adults. 

The unfortunate circumstance of your husbands mind set is that he's not really participating in the upbringing and the guidance of your son. Your son WILL learn to resent him. Then hate him. That's not a good path for your husband. A son needs his father. 

Ps. Minecraft is fkn awesome!!!!!! I play with my kids all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

The stepford wives comment made me laugh. I experience that too. There's no private school in the little city I live in now. But my kids are in the same catchment as the "rich" families' school. At the PTA everyone is trying to outdo or out speak everyone else. Trying to one up each other. They actually don't talk to me much because I'm on the "other" side of the "tracks" so to speak. 

What I find amusing is that my IPO I discussed when I was younger was very generous. And I'm sure I actually hold more assets then most of these families. I guess I just chose to live in the wrong street and the wrong house. 

anyways. Just a little side story to lighten the mood of the thread for a moment. 

Be well and strong, work widow. Don't forget about you and your Health in all this turmoil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> HE was the one who wanted this lifestyle and all this crap. Personally, I hate it. I hate the 500k house that is too big for our family and requires a housekeeper just to keep it dusted. I hate the gated community where I can't even get pizza delivery without going through the bloody concierge service at the gatehouse. I hate his stupid gas guzzling environmentally unfriendly big black SUV. I hate the private school he insists our son go to. I hate the "Stepford wives" I'm surrounded at both at home and at school events. It's all stupid social climbing ostentation and there have been many many times I have wanted to walk away from it. I keep telling myself that sooner or later he will realize this isn't who we are. But I'm starting to think that maybe this is who HE is - now. I don't know what happened to that sweet grad student who wanted to save the world 20 years ago. I miss him. I was happier when we were penny pinching college kids. If this is what it means to be wealthy I'd rather go back to the quiet little lower middle class community I grew up in. At least it was real.
> 
> But I'm starting to realize that I may have to get the heck out just to make sure my son doesn't end up like all the other spoiled little rich kids in his preppy little rich kid school. His father is pushing for him to go to Harvard or Yale. He wants to go into the Navy like my father and my brother. This was one of our big fights back in the days he still came home to do something more than sleep. He says if son goes in the military he will cut him off without a penny. Sometimes I actually think he legitimately doesn't like our son very much - the kid's not a MENSA genius like he is - he'd rather play video games than develop them. Oh the horror! When I think if how much time my H spent playing Dungeons and Dragons when we were in college, I have to laugh at him getting upset because our son plays Minecraft!
> 
> Sometimes I do wonder why he doesn't just get an apartment closer to work. He can easily afford it and it would save him the ridiculous commute. I've been holding on to that as a sign that he's trying to maintain some sort of bond with us. Lately I don't feel so sure anymore.


Print this and leave it on his car, or email it or something. He needs to know how you feel, and that if the family splits up while he's making huge money he won't get the big house, new car etc anyway. Unless he's making way way more than you need for even your current lifestyle.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is working so hard out of fear. 

Dear that he could lose this job same way he lost the last one. Just having it pulled out from under him without warning and unfairly.

He is showing his employers he is not replaceable snd also to build up a nestegg just in case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Unfortunately he has no fear of currently having no personal life or relationship with his wife and child..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to be persistant and communicate all of these things to your husband. It will take time and can't be fixed in one day.
It's better than stewing inside, rationalizing why you can't speak to him, until ultimately you blow it all up.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> HE was the one who wanted this lifestyle and all this crap. Personally, I hate it. I hate the 500k house that is too big for our family and requires a housekeeper just to keep it dusted. I hate the gated community where I can't even get pizza delivery without going through the bloody concierge service at the gatehouse. I hate his stupid gas guzzling environmentally unfriendly big black SUV. I hate the private school he insists our son go to. I hate the "Stepford wives" I'm surrounded at both at home and at school events. It's all stupid social climbing ostentation and there have been many many times I have wanted to walk away from it. I keep telling myself that sooner or later he will realize this isn't who we are. But I'm starting to think that maybe this is who HE is - now. I don't know what happened to that sweet grad student who wanted to save the world 20 years ago. I miss him. I was happier when we were penny pinching college kids. If this is what it means to be wealthy I'd rather go back to the quiet little lower middle class community I grew up in. At least it was real.
> 
> But I'm starting to realize that I may have to get the heck out just to make sure my son doesn't end up like all the other spoiled little rich kids in his preppy little rich kid school. His father is pushing for him to go to Harvard or Yale. He wants to go into the Navy like my father and my brother. This was one of our big fights back in the days he still came home to do something more than sleep. He says if son goes in the military he will cut him off without a penny. Sometimes I actually think he legitimately doesn't like our son very much - the kid's not a MENSA genius like he is - he'd rather play video games than develop them. Oh the horror! When I think if how much time my H spent playing Dungeons and Dragons when we were in college, I have to laugh at him getting upset because our son plays Minecraft!
> 
> Sometimes I do wonder why he doesn't just get an apartment closer to work. He can easily afford it and it would save him the ridiculous commute. I've been holding on to that as a sign that he's trying to maintain some sort of bond with us. Lately I don't feel so sure anymore.


wow. lots of resentment here.

look.....i get it....i wnet through much the same with my X who put all her focus and attention on "keeping up with the Jones" so i do understand your frustration.

but i have also seen the other side of the coin. lived in a small community where the entire town was like family. and guess what? the drama, in some ways, is worse with that life style where everybody knows everybody, the gossip is ruthless and everybody wants to judge and the "keep up with the jones" there is no different.

you complain about your big gas guzzling SUV....yet have you considered its a very safe vehicle to transport your family in.....your most precious things in your life?

you complain about the inconvenience of ordering a pizza because of your secured neighborhood, but have you considered that you probably live in a very safe environment that is healthy for your kids to play outside and keep the riff raff out?

my point is, many of the things you are complaining about...you wont find a golden rainbow or solutions to all life's problems by necessarily living a different life style. there will be problems there too albeit different ones.

as this thread unfolds...i was in total agreement that your husband works too much and puts his job ahead of everything and that probably is true.

but i think what may be happening is the disconnect and unhappiness in your marriage is the real cause of this. I have known many men that were unhappy at home so they just buried themselves in work to not have to deal with the problems at home. some do it with hobbies, affairs or other ways. Some have said they "tried to work on it with their wives" but they were so far apart or felt so unheard, discounted etc they simply gave up and felt it wasn't worth the fight. Obviously working hard has the side benefit of extra income which obviously he has been enjoying the fruits of.

your problem isn't how much your husband works......its your marriage. in my opinion anyway. figure out why he would rather work than than be around you.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> HE was the one who wanted this lifestyle and all this crap. Personally, I hate it. I hate the 500k house that is too big for our family and requires a housekeeper just to keep it dusted. I hate the gated community where I can't even get pizza delivery without going through the bloody concierge service at the gatehouse. I hate his stupid gas guzzling environmentally unfriendly big black SUV. I hate the private school he insists our son go to. I hate the "Stepford wives" I'm surrounded at both at home and at school events. It's all stupid social climbing ostentation and there have been many many times I have wanted to walk away from it. I keep telling myself that sooner or later he will realize this isn't who we are. But I'm starting to think that maybe this is who HE is - now. I don't know what happened to that sweet grad student who wanted to save the world 20 years ago. I miss him. I was happier when we were penny pinching college kids. If this is what it means to be wealthy I'd rather go back to the quiet little lower middle class community I grew up in. At least it was real.
> 
> But I'm starting to realize that I may have to get the heck out just to make sure my son doesn't end up like all the other spoiled little rich kids in his preppy little rich kid school. His father is pushing for him to go to Harvard or Yale. He wants to go into the Navy like my father and my brother. This was one of our big fights back in the days he still came home to do something more than sleep. He says if son goes in the military he will cut him off without a penny. Sometimes I actually think he legitimately doesn't like our son very much - the kid's not a MENSA genius like he is - he'd rather play video games than develop them. Oh the horror! When I think if how much time my H spent playing Dungeons and Dragons when we were in college, I have to laugh at him getting upset because our son plays Minecraft!
> 
> Sometimes I do wonder why he doesn't just get an apartment closer to work. He can easily afford it and it would save him the ridiculous commute. I've been holding on to that as a sign that he's trying to maintain some sort of bond with us. Lately I don't feel so sure anymore.


This makes it sound like maybe your goals just don't align anymore. 

It also sounds like you are very conflict avoidant. The time to tell him you weren't on board with the house, neighborhood, school, car and so on would have been before those purchases were made. Silence can be mistaken for agreement. Maybe he thought you were just as happy about all those upgrades as he was. 

Clearly he must be enjoying whatever he's getting out of keeping up with the Jones'. It's ok if you feel differently. People change. But you do need to force a talk with him.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Our marriage was fine until he took THIS job. He was never a social climber or a severe workaholic prior to this company. Never cared about fancy houses or cars (we bought this house about a year into this job). Never worked more than 60 hours per week. Always had time for us. Never talked about sending our son to boarding school for 9-12 grade. Never gave me any indication whatsoever that he was unhappy at home. I truly believe it is a work insecurity issue that is making him act this way rather than anything at home. The only thing I can say he's ever seriously been unhappy about is that our son doesn't "live up" to his expectations of what HIS child should be. A few times I've actually gotten the impression that he's ashamed of him because he's not as smart as his father wants him to be. And the fight they had over our son's mentioning he might want to go in the military? Let's just say it was NOT pretty. I've never seen him so angry. I had to finally intervene because I was afraid he was going to get violent - which is something he has never done BTW. He was SCREAMING at him and my son was just cowering in the corner with tears streaming down his face. Poor kid wasn't even in middle school yet - he'll change his mind a dozen or more times before he graduates. I still can't understand why it upset him so much.

Money is not an issue. I have a good job. We have so much in savings we could survive for 5 years back home if he lost this job, without either of us working. He knows that. He also knows he could find another job just as easily as he's found every other job he's ever had. Or he could even partner with me to help me grow my online business.

As far as being safe here? I was safe back home in my tiny little hometown where the most serious crime is when the college kids paint graffiti on the walls of the town hall. Not kidding. There has not be a violent/felony crime in my home town in over a decade. Whereas we just had a lovely little husband/wife murder/suicide right here in our "safe" little gated community just two months ago.

I'm working from home again this morning because I'm still not truly over this bug. Seeing the dr this afternoon. Went out to the kitchen this morning when I heard him getting ready to leave and offered to make him breakfast. He looked at me like he didn't know who I was then told me I looked like crap and to stay the hell away from him because he can't afford to get whatever it is I have. He never used to be so uncaring! It's like this company stole my husband and replaced him with a total stranger in his body. I don't feel like I even know him anymore - how bloody cliche is that? 

I find myself wondering how he'll react if I come back from the dr with a diagnosis of something more serious than the flu. At this point I don't know if he would care if I were dying except that it would inconvenience him. I hate feeling this way!

As soon as I'm back on my feet I'm going to get myself a lawyer. Not going to file but just to find out what it's going to involve if it ends up that it does get to that point.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

KAG just saw your post. I did tell him I didn't want this stuff. There was this sweet little colonial New England farmhouse with a few acres of land that was actually 10 miles closer to his job that I would have loved. I could have gardened. But he wouldn't even consider it. It needed too much work (we could afford it). It would require hiring someone to do lawn work (seriously? 3 acres requires hiring someone? When I grew up on a farm? I don't think so.) I gave in on the house we ended up with because he refused to keep looking and I could no longer stand living in the city townhouse we had been renting previously. I loved living in Boston. I absolutely hated living in Hartford and I would have hated NYC which was the other option he gave me. I guess it was a compromise. He wanted city, I wanted country, we ended up in the suburbs. But why he had to chose a housing development with so many rules you feel like you aren't allowed to breathe outdoors, I don't know. When we were younger we used to drive past places just like this one and wonder why anyone would ever want to live in one!


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

You know when you first started posting I was sort of willing to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, that all those insecurities and reverses beginning with his disastrous dissertation and then the job loss had manifested into this desire to show the world they were wrong about him, that he indeed has what it takes. And I get it because I and a lot of men I know of a certain age have a bit of that. Not to the extreme your husband has but something to prove with a chip on our shoulders. 
But then I kept on reading your posts, especially #71 and 72 and you know what it sounds like? It sounds just like those stories they used to tell about the yuppies back in the 80's. Former hippies that became consumed (pun intended) by materialism in a way and with a speed that shocked many of their peers that were still caught up in peace and love. They were a running joke if you remember but it didn't make it any less real. But how their values had did a 180 seemingly overnight no one could ever really explain. But change they did into these shallow, soulless, careerists. Not all of them of course. But enough did to make it a story in the press for much of the "Greed is Good" era.
So Madam, I wonder if you are like some of those marriage partners back then who thought they were marrying a gentle giant but woke up one day next to Gordon Gecko. Lots of those marriages didn't survive. The gulf in values had become too great. And while I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, and I hope the great advice you received from Hicks and others to wake him up with a come to Jesus moment works. But I think you would be naïve to think, after the way he has been behaving, that if he leaves that job you get your old lover back. I hope that you do. But like a good scout, be prepared. You might not.
Good Luck to you. Your pain leaps off the page. Very sorry.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Well I saw my dr and she thinks it's probably just the flu that's got me feeling so bad right now. But we talked some about some other problems I've been having and long story short she's doing all sorts of blood work and even though she's thinking probably IBS she is sending me for tests to rule out colon or ovarian cancer because I have a family history of both. This is not something I want to deal with alone!

I'm seriously considering waiting up tonight for H to get home, no matter how late, and confront him then instead of waiting for morning when he's always in a rush. But I need to tell him about this. He lost his dad to cancer 2 years ago and he's probably going to freak out. If he doesn't, I guess that will tell me a lot, won't it?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First note that your husband has been previously characterized as a failure. "His dissertation tanked. He got let go from the college... He bounced around doing IT contracts but somehow none of them ever lasted long and he was never offered a permanent position." One part of this may be his desire to never be thought of as a failure again. 

In practical terms, have you thought of moving closer to his job if you are some distance away. 

Men, particularly computer geeks may not interact that well with people and may not take criticism from women well, preferring to immerse themselves in their scientific world. So if you are going to talk, lay on the compliments heavy and end heavy with them. Tell him how you admire his success. 

Start modest if possible, getting a Sunday in Westport in the Spring. Read about Urban Meyer the renowned football coach who suffered health problems and had to reduce work to keep his health and his marriage and agreed to some rules and guidelines.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice everyone. As of last night as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over. As soon as the school year ends I am packing up and moving back home. He can share the rest of his life with one of the other women he told me last night would be perfectly happy to do so without complaining. If he wants a materialistic gold digger like all his coworkers have he's welcome to go find one. The things he said to me last night were unbelievably hurtful. He actually told me that if I was so unhappy I could get the hell out. There's no way we can ever go back from this. And sadly enough, based on a couple of his comments, I do think he's cheating now. Not having an affair, but sleeping around. He told me he KNOWS plenty of women who would be thrilled to find out he was single. I don't see how he could know something like that without either cheating or at the very least contemplating it.

Worst of all he told me if I divorced him not to expect anything in the way of child support or alimony without a fight. He said he's never really believed our son was his and that he's going to insist on a DNA test. I will never, ever forgive him for that particular accusation.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> He is working so hard out of fear.
> 
> Dear that he could lose this job same way he lost the last one. Just having it pulled out from under him without warning and unfairly.
> 
> ...


Nailed it.

My wife is like that, same line of work, except works from home. Fear is 99.9999% of the reason.

Not to belittle anyone BTW but there's no smarts in being a DBA. It's a tedious job where your worth is how largely much you can remember.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

john117 said:


> Nailed it.
> 
> My wife is like that, same line of work, except works from home. Fear is 99.9999% of the reason.
> 
> Not to belittle anyone BTW but there's no smarts in being a DBA. It's a tedious job where your worth is how largely much you can remember.



Unfortunately most of IT is that way.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Wow widow. Sorry to hear that, but glad that you can now move on and have a plan to do so. 
As far as child support, the state will have a different opinion about that. 
You seem like a strong woman. Keep your head up and best of luck to you.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> Worst of all he told me if I divorced him not to expect anything in the way of child support or alimony without a fight. He said he's never really believed our son was his and that he's going to insist on a DNA test. I will never, ever forgive him for that particular accusation.


Your husband is in for a very rude awakening. After being married for 20 years, he will most likely owe lots of spousal support for 10 years or more. You will definitely get child support especially since he has no time to spend with his child (you will be 100% custodial parent) until your child reaches 18 years old or possibly until he is through college. You will get half of all assets including half his retirement or 401k accounts, savings, proceeds from sale of the house, etc. He can threaten all he wants but he clearly has no knowledge or he just wants to scare you into submission.

See an attorney ASAP. Get the ball rolling!


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Spent the day crying my eyes out and scarfing down Chinese food I'll probably just throw up later. Sent my son to stay at a friends house for the weekend because I just can't deal right now. He's well aware I haven't been happy lately but today has been worse than usual and I'm not ready to tell him I'm planning on leaving his father. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell him - or when.

If my H really does insist that our son have a paternity test, do we have to do it? Or does he have to show proof as to why he thinks it necessary? My son is going to be incredibly hurt if he realizes his father is trying to deny him as his son. Especially if his father were to tell the court in front of him his reasons why he doesn't believe it. I do NOT want my son finding out WHY his father would want this. I can't lie to him and tell him it's just something the court requires because his cousins didn't have to have them when my sister divorced. I have to hope he's just threatening me in hopes of scaring me and that he'd never actually do anything so cruel. I hope I feel better when the weekend is over so I can start looking for a lawyer.

I do have a quick question although I do plan on asking a lawyer - my business makes decent money but it has no monetary value on paper. It's just a web site and a client list. I rent the office. It can't be sold as a marital asset can it? I really don't want to have to start it all over again. His name is NOT on the business license.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you right now but I just wanted to tell you that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Be strong for your son, he needs your strength now more than ever. 
Hugs!


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Agree, his late nights may be an affair. Sorry, but this seems likely. Even entrepreneurs come home at night.

You story doesn't have a good ending. Look up 180 on this site and start to implement asap. It WILL get better, believe it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

You need to stop talking to him about it and make a plan. First thing on the list should be to see a lawyer.

ETA: His threats are a bluff. He's trying to scare you into submission.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

Workwidow, 

Now I hope you see why confronting was going to give you a notion of where to go. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but your path should be clear. 

One step at a time. Focus on your health, then get a lawyer and file. Taking the first step will give you an advantage of sorts. It puts you in action above all else, and nothing will change without action. 

Experience on TAM tells me that when posters tell their children in age appropriate ways sooner rather than later, it is just better all around. Children are not stupid and deserve truth mixed in with assurance that both parents will continue to love them. 

Despite what your H has said to you, you need to remain the bigger, better person and not slander him to your son. Your son knows enough of his dad's real nature and can come to his own conclusions. 

My last bit of introspection : if your H wants a paternity test done, it's very easy for him to purchase a kit and do it without your direct knowledge. Although him threatening to do it is meant to hurt you, try to brush it off. The fact is, those with nothing to hide hide nothing. You have nothing to hide, so tell him to go ahead by all means with the test. 

Your husband is en route to digging his own hole to crawl into. By all means, let him.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> Thanks for all the advice everyone. As of last night as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over. As soon as the school year ends I am packing up and moving back home. He can share the rest of his life with one of the other women he told me last night would be perfectly happy to do so without complaining. If he wants a materialistic gold digger like all his coworkers have he's welcome to go find one. The things he said to me last night were unbelievably hurtful. He actually told me that if I was so unhappy I could get the hell out. There's no way we can ever go back from this. And sadly enough, based on a couple of his comments, I do think he's cheating now. Not having an affair, but sleeping around. He told me he KNOWS plenty of women who would be thrilled to find out he was single. I don't see how he could know something like that without either cheating or at the very least contemplating it.
> 
> Worst of all he told me if I divorced him not to expect anything in the way of child support or alimony without a fight. He said he's never really believed our son was his and that he's going to insist on a DNA test. I will never, ever forgive him for that particular accusation.


You have reason to be thankfull he is providing all you need to know. No need for years of trailing misery and questions about the why and how. It is very clear. There is a chance though he is leading a double life. But that does not matter anymore, he does not love you or your son.

Dump him now, this is the perfect opportunity. Being in this job you will get the most support you could get from him. Do the paternity test before the issue escalates.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> You have reason to be thankfull he is providing all you need to know. No need for years of trailing misery and questions about the why and how. It is very clear. There is a chance though he is leading a double life. But that does not matter anymore, he does not love you or your son.
> 
> Dump him now, this is the perfect opportunity. Being in this job you will get the most support you could get from him. Do the paternity test before the issue escalates.


Yes, this is exactly right. Recognize that he is giving you a wonderful gift even though it doesn't seem that way at the moment. File immediately!


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Today I called my parents to ask if we can come stay with them during spring break. I didn't tell my mom what's going on but I think she probably has a pretty good idea. Even his mother thinks he's being an *ss and she about worships the ground he walks on. She's pretty pissed that he's missed every single holiday and family get together for the past two years.

Quick ? We got married in NY. I'll be moving back to NY. He probably will too. He currently works in NY. Our house is in CT. My office and my son's school are in CT. Can I file in NY or do I have to file in the state where I live? Because if this actually happens, and I'm just beginning to realize that it probably is, I'll be living in NY again probably by mid summer. I don't want to have to drive from Syracuse to Hartford (6 hour drive) for court dates if I can avoid it. In fact I might hold off on filing until I move back home if filing now means we have to do court in CT. Plus if I wait until I'm home I can use the same divorce lawyer my sister used she was a real "bulldog." If he decides to play nasty I know she can give it back times 2.

Wondering if I should file fault or no fault? Anyone have any experience filing on a claim of constructive abandonment? That's certainly what it seems like to me, I have no obvious evidence of adultery.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Hadn't read the latest news about his hurtful words to you and his confidence in there being other women interested in him.

I'm glad that you have chosen to speak openly to your husband and that he has shown his true colors. Now that you know where he stands with regards to his marriage, you are able to plan your future without him. His willingness to ditch his own son, via insinuating that he is not the father, points to his being in an active affair. What father would want to not provide for his own child? A father who is in an affair, and who wants to be free from all responsibilities so he can live in fairy tale land with his affair partner.

The courts will definitely want to know how much money you are making, for the purpose of determining the divorce settlement. You will have to show how much you are earning, and the judge will expect you to continue to provide at least that much for yourself, while your husband makes up the difference.

Call his bluff regarding the paternity test. Tell him to go right ahead with it, but to keep it a secret from your son, or he will hate him when he grows up, knowing that his own father wanted to deny his paternity.

Go stay with your parents during spring break as planned. However start protecting your assets now. By the way he is acting, your husband is a good candidate to start to steal or hide assets before you realize it.

Speak to a lawyer ASAP so you know how to protect your assets.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

Very sorry things ended up this way, still you do have clarity as to what must ultimately be done. Your mind is racing with many questions all good ones but you don't want to rely on us Internet folks for answers. I suspect there are lots of very good family law firms in your immediate area that have members who carry licenses in both NY and CT. That's who can answer your questions. Start asking friends and associates discretely for names of good family lawyers in your area. Then meet with a couple or three to begin your selection process. Don't worry about cost or fees. That will all be part of your hubby's rude awakening down the road. But do get started on the hiring process now. Your husband has shown you his true colors so do not underestimate him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That went downhill quickly. Very sorry to hear that your talk was such a kick to the guts. 

IMO, considering that he has immediately gone on the attack and has made these accusations (I am assuming it's not true here of course, because I don't know you or him and have to take it under faith in your integrity), I think he has betrayed both you and your son so terribly that he can't face it. His mouth is a mirror to his soul. I think his accusation of you cheating is even more revealing of his own behaviour than his claim to fame among other women.

He is on this path now and I doubt he will ever find his way back.

BTW, if he wants to do a paternity test, or continues to threaten it, let it happen. Tell him to go ahead. We all want to protect our children, but I think honesty is also vitally important. Your son lost his father a long time ago.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

theworkwidow said:


> Thanks for all the advice everyone. As of last night as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over. As soon as the school year ends I am packing up and moving back home. He can share the rest of his life with one of the other women he told me last night would be perfectly happy to do so without complaining. If he wants a materialistic gold digger like all his coworkers have he's welcome to go find one. The things he said to me last night were unbelievably hurtful. He actually told me that if I was so unhappy I could get the hell out. There's no way we can ever go back from this. And sadly enough, based on a couple of his comments, I do think he's cheating now. Not having an affair, but sleeping around. He told me he KNOWS plenty of women who would be thrilled to find out he was single. I don't see how he could know something like that without either cheating or at the very least contemplating it.
> 
> Worst of all he told me if I divorced him not to expect anything in the way of child support or alimony without a fight. He said he's never really believed our son was his and that he's going to insist on a DNA test. I will never, ever forgive him for that particular accusation.


Sorry it turned so nasty so quickly. The only good news I see is that at least it was quick and you got through to him. I think after the IPO it would have more of the same. Without defending him, maybe it isn't over yet, unless you want it to be. Maybe he was just stupidly lashing out when someone shook his world. Maybe, just maybe, the only affair is just a daydream within his head. Maybe he just is so caught up with the office culture. My recollection of the thread is you have no evidence of infidelity, just an absent husband. 
Even in the wild small chance that all that is true, I think he is so caught up in this work world that he has walked away from the marriage. The only way to get your original husband back is to shake him out of this daydream.
So get thee to a lawyer.

And again, I don't want to justify or defend him. I sort of see a worse version of myself in this story. I worked in IT, often at 100+ hours/week, which means I neglected my wife. 
Thankfully I never saw the job as my life. Wish I could suggest how to get your husband to see that.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

NotEasy said:


> Sorry it turned so nasty so quickly. The only good news I see is that at least it was quick and you got through to him. I think after the IPO it would have more of the same. Without defending him, maybe it isn't over yet, unless you want it to be. Maybe he was just stupidly lashing out when someone shook his world. Maybe, just maybe, the only affair is just a daydream within his head. Maybe he just is so caught up with the office culture. My recollection of the thread is you have no evidence of infidelity, just an absent husband.
> Even in the wild small chance that all that is true, I think he is so caught up in this work world that he has walked away from the marriage. The only way to get your original husband back is to shake him out of this daydream.
> So get thee to a lawyer.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

From what you said about his 2 hours each way commute and long hours at work I'd be skeptical about jumping to the affair conclusion. Since he's a contractor you should be able to see how long he's been at work from his invoices. With long work hours and an additional 4 hours driving he'd be some kind of superman to be running an affair as well.

He needs to be snapped out of this and find some kind of work-life balance he's killing himself and his family to make someone else rich. That's not as smart as he thinks he is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry it has come to this. I can't say I'm surprised.....

Don't be shocked if he all of a sudden realizes his "mistake" and cried and begs for forgiveness. It will likely be a result of either his wh0re not working out or the realization that he's going to have to split up all his assets....the whole "cheaper to keep her" thing. But little will likely change without a big reality check.

I'd still pursue a divorce here.....you can always reconcile after if you see real changes in him but he really needs to feel the consequences of his actions. Wish him luck with his gold digging wh0res.

Just sue to keep life insurance on him this way when he works himself to death you'll get something out of it, or more importantly your son will.

Why would you purposely shield your son from a DNA test? I know it will suck but that's on his father, not you. His father will have to deal with that.

He's free to fight anything he wants....doesn't mean he'll win anything. Even if your son wanted to split time there's no way that can happen with his schedule and it should be easy for you to document that he's basically abandoned the family. He can throw any kind of tantrum he wants, but CS and alimony laws are laws.

Go see a CT lawyer and get his advice about your geographic situation, and then see a NY lawyer if that's appropriate.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I am NOT suggesting his son is not his, but I thought the law assumed children born within a marriage belong to the father and mother, especially for child support. 
And I agree it is a stupid vengeful thing for him to do. It will drive another wedge between son and father.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

Not easy, The child is legally his if he was born during the marriage. This is why I told OP to get herself to a lawyer this week. She is no doubt stewing over this and a couple dozen other questions that a lawyer with half a brain could clear up for her in an initial consultation of an hour or less which likely won't cost her a dime. She has a great case any lawyer up there would love to have it. 


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> He said he's never really believed our son was his and that he's going to insist on a DNA test. I will never, ever forgive him for that particular accusation.





theworkwidow said:


> Especially if his father were to tell the court in front of him his reasons why he doesn't believe it. I do NOT want my son finding out WHY his father would want this. I can't lie to him and tell him it's just something the court requires because his cousins didn't have to have them when my sister divorced.


Sorry, I hope this is not too awkward a question, but this seems an odd thing to say that out of nowhere. Is there something in the past that he had misinterpreted? It might make a big difference to the advice you get.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> Thanks for all the advice everyone. As of last night as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over. As soon as the school year ends I am packing up and moving back home. He can share the rest of his life with one of the other women he told me last night would be perfectly happy to do so without complaining. If he wants a materialistic gold digger like all his coworkers have he's welcome to go find one. The things he said to me last night were unbelievably hurtful. He actually told me that if I was so unhappy I could get the hell out. There's no way we can ever go back from this. And sadly enough, based on a couple of his comments, I do think he's cheating now. Not having an affair, but sleeping around. He told me he KNOWS plenty of women who would be thrilled to find out he was single. I don't see how he could know something like that without either cheating or at the very least contemplating it.
> 
> Worst of all he told me if I divorced him not to expect anything in the way of child support or alimony without a fight. He said he's never really believed our son was his and that he's going to insist on a DNA test. I will never, ever forgive him for that particular accusation.


I am so so sorry you are facing this. Your H has lost the plot. I think he has become so disconnected from you and his son that he is living his life for work and as a single man. He may even in some perverse way blame you both for having to work so hard. I also think he feels superior to you as he feels he is the breadwinner, his ego has got the better of him.

You need to start detaching from him, do the 180
Go see a lawyer as to what your rights are, you will be entitled to alimony etc - your H needs to be taught a lesson tbh
tell your family and friends and ask for support so that you can carry out what you want
from now on record everything he says to you

I guess when you hit him with the D papers he will be shocked, he probably thinks you will not give up the lifestyle that he is throwing his family away for. I would suggest you take time off work, take your kid and go see your family for two weeks just to mull over things. Do not tell your H where you are going or that you are going. If he is not bothered by your disappearance then you know it is really over. So sorry.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Well I'm still processing. Contacted the same lawyer my sister used back home. Was told she could draw up the paperwork in New York but one of us would have to be living in NY for it to be processed in NY court. She told me very emphatically NOT to take my son and go home even for a short time as my H could come after me for kidnapping and abandonment. I could lose custody and financial rights to the house, H could have me legally locked out. It would appear that it's a real pain in the *ss to convince the court you were just going away temporarily. So it seems we shouldn't go on a vacation without H until the separation papers have been drawn up including a custody arrangement. 

This lawyer is working with a PI and another lawyer here in CT to draw up paperwork. We have decided to draw up papers for something called a "last chance" divorce - basically he is allowed to either sign the papers as is, contest them, OR he has the option of meeting demands I will outline that would be a last ditch effort to save the marriage. Significantly more time at home, marriage counseling, a SINCERE effort on his part to find another job after the IPO - a job with far fewer hours. IF he actually goes for it, I'm going to suggest that we consider selling the ridiculous house and him retiring and joining me in my business.

I don't think he will go for it. I'm not even completely sure I want him to. If it were just me that would be one thing but his ongoing resentment of and poor attitude toward our son is unacceptable. No father should dislike their child for something the child has no control over.

He stopped coming home after the night he told me I could get the hell out if I wasn't happy. The PI the lawyer brought on board says he's staying in a hotel near his office. So far he's found no definitive evidence of cheating but a lot of evidence that leads him to believe H has become an alcoholic and may be abusing other substances as well. He did discover that H is spending significantly less time on the job than he is claiming, and a lot more time in bars and casinos. Apparently the weekends he's supposedly spent working lately have actually been trips to Atlantic City. I've never known H to gamble so this particular revelation came as quite a shock. I can't help but wonder how much money he's lost and whether there IS cheating involved but with prostitutes rather than affairs with women he knows.

I'm kind of in shock right now. More than anything I just mostly want this to be over. I want to pack up the few things here I actually care about and go back home to my family and the quiet country life I grew up with. I'd far rather have less money but be surrounded by people who actually care about me.

Oh and my medical test reports? Type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol. So on top of everything else I have to make major changes to my diet. Still haven't gotten the results back from my GYN on the testing for reproductive system cancer. Life kind of sucks right now. I really need someone to lean on for support right now and that's something I just don't have - all my family and close friends are back home in central NY.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

As painful as it is you have made the most important step of all- the first one. Others can tell you far better than I the best way to take care of yourself but that is going to be critical as you can already see the toll all this is taking on your health. Sounds like you got a good team working for you follow their advice. Good luck


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

So sorry about the bad news. Kudos to you for getting a lawyer and a PI so quickly! Can you text your husband about visiting your family, wait for him to respond favorably (an acknowledgment that you have his consent) and save or take a picture of the text? You really need a break and the support of people whom you love, and who love you.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Just to clarify - I have never cheated and H has no reason to believe I have. We had trouble getting pregnant and ended up having to use IVF. Due to the fact that our son looks NOTHING like his father, and has a "normal" IQ that is significantly lower than his father's ;and mine as well), somewhere along the line H decided the Drs must have screwed up and impregnated me with another man's sperm. Which is so bloody soap opera-ish as to be ridiculous. He just doesn't want to admit that he could have fathered a kid who isn't an f'ing genius. He's talked for years about getting son DNA tested but we've never done it. But I wouldn't put it past him to do it now based on the way he's been behaving. The reason I don't want it to happen is because it will break my son's heart if he ever realizes exactly what his father thinks of him.

I wish we'd never enrolled son in his pricey little prep school. He was just fine in a normal public school. I don't think his grades are poor because he's not smart, I think he's not working up to his ability because he hates the school. I'm seriously considering pulling him out and home schooling him for the rest of the semester. I didn't before because H would have had a meltdown but I don't care anymore.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I support moving him if that will improve his learning. But home schooling is a big step and a big time committment. Make sure you understand what you are up for, eg a state inspector coming to check on your teaching curriculum. Perhaps just move him to another school.

Also moving him out of school may add fuel to the divorce negotiation. Talk to your lawyer first.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

It's hard at a time like this when you knew things weren't right, but you had no idea the extent of it. It takes a while to process it. You are going to go through a range of emotions.

I'm going to suggest leaving the school arrangements as they are for now. Firstly you've got more than enough to deal with, and some major decisions to make. You should be wary of taking too much more on. Secondly, there are going to be changes for your son. I would try and keep things the same where I could for a little while. And thirdly, when the dust settles, you still have to coparent and make decisions together. 

I hope you are doing something just for you right now, you need it as an outlet. Also try and do something physical. I don't know what exercise you do, but it helps with stress. 

Hang in there. You will get through this, and your son needs your best right now.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If your son hates the school he is in, of course he won't do well. We are all so quick to put children in little boxes marked, "delinquent" or "genius" or whatever. It's very sad your husband isn't willing to enjoy having a son who isn't going to fit in his box. It could've been a great opportunity for him to grow into a better human being. Now look at him; an alcoholic and a gambling addict who abandoned his family. Is that intelligent?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> I wish we'd never enrolled son in his pricey little prep school. He was just fine in a normal public school. I don't think his grades are poor because he's not smart, I think he's not working up to his ability because he hates the school. I'm seriously considering pulling him out and home schooling him for the rest of the semester. I didn't before because H would have had a meltdown but I don't care anymore.


You may find that his poor performance is due to the home situation and not seeing his father, or even having overheard his father talking. You should talk to the school first and let them know the situation that way they can support him as necessary before you just pull him out mid semester, not that there is that much left of it of course.

I'm not a fan of home schooling and you've paid for private school so they really should be the ones with a plan for what sort of support and extra help he needs. 

Not only that but if all your time is going to home schooling then your home business is going to suffer.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

theworkwidow said:


> Due to the fact that our son looks NOTHING like his father, and has a "normal" IQ that is significantly lower than his father's ;and mine as well), somewhere along the line H decided the Drs must have screwed up and impregnated me with another man's sperm.
> 
> I'm seriously considering pulling him out and home schooling him for the rest of the semester. I didn't before because H would have had a meltdown but I don't care anymore.


It is so sad your husband is such a horrible person and father toward his son. Love shouldn't be conditional, based on the child's intelligence. It sounds like you and your son would be better off away from your husband.

Depending on your state, you can home school a variety of ways. Google Your state Homeschool Law, and get in touch with a home school organization to help you decipher your state laws if you don't understand them. Most states have fairly basic laws, because home school families were involved in formulating them and keeping them from getting unnecessarily intrusive or burdensome.

What someone else said about needing a state approved curricula to home school is not always true. It depends on your state. In my state it is only true if you are going to receive state money to pay for curricula and do "public school at home" under your local school district. Those of us who do not receive government money, but who pay for everything ourselves do not need outside approval over curriculum. Our children take standardized tests every two years to make sure that they are learning within the state standards, and home schooled children usually fall above the 80% mark, way above the public schools, no matter what curricula their parents choose.

Another thing to consider, is that if you pull your child out of school without your husband's consent, while you are actively pursuing a divorce, it may make your divorce that much more complicated, especially if you and your lawyer aren't familiar with your state's home school laws. It could make you look unfavorable to the court.

I've seen two cases where there was a divorce in homeschool families where one spouse no longer wanted to homeschool (the fathers, because they didn't want to pay for it) so the children either had to go to free public school, or the mother had to pay for it all herself. In one case it was very sad, because they had one child who was very gifted in an instrument to the point that they wanted to pursue it in college and become a professor. The child had to quit lessons because the mother could not afford it, and the child was so discouraged by the whole thing that they gave up their dream.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> He's talked for years about getting son DNA tested but we've never done it. But I wouldn't put it past him to do it now based on the way he's been behaving. The reason I don't want it to happen is because it will break my son's heart if he ever realizes exactly what his father thinks of him.


I cannot understand how you avoided the DNA testing. 

Imagining his perspective leads to me understanding his substance abuse and escapism.

He really believes you are a cheater and his son is not his....

I think your reason not to have had a DNA test is a bit deflective. Which leads me to questioning your side of the story. How could you have lived with him believing this? Why have you rationalized the story in such a way that you could even think this to be a normal situation for a marriage??


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I cannot understand how you avoided the DNA testing.
> 
> Imagining his perspective leads to me understanding his substance abuse and escapism.
> 
> ...


Here's OP's explanation to this. It has nothing to do with her cheating.



theworkwidow said:


> Just to clarify - I have never cheated and H has no reason to believe I have. We had trouble getting pregnant and ended up having to use IVF. Due to the fact that our son looks NOTHING like his father, and has a "normal" IQ that is significantly lower than his father's ;and mine as well), somewhere along the line H decided the Drs must have screwed up and impregnated me with another man's sperm. Which is so bloody soap opera-ish as to be ridiculous. He just doesn't want to admit that he could have fathered a kid who isn't an f'ing genius. He's talked for years about getting son DNA tested but we've never done it. But I wouldn't put it past him to do it now based on the way he's been behaving. The reason I don't want it to happen is because it will break my son's heart if he ever realizes exactly what his father thinks of him.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

Based on the PI's investigation, your H may have a lot of problems that you will be powerless to change. Only he can decide to change. 

I am not trying to dissuade you from R, if that's what you want, but the road ahead is going to be exhausting for you, with no real indication at this time that he cares to work on your M. 

Right now you have a lot of visions and scenarios playing out in your mind. Quiet those for a bit and look at what IS.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Oh I have no intention of reconciliation at this point. The PI has also found proof that H has been soliciting "high class call girls" from the casinos. This is so totally unacceptable to me that there is absolutely no possibility at all now of me changing my mind about leaving him. In fact I'm so disgusted that quite honestly if I never saw him again it would be too soon.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> Oh I have no intention of reconciliation at this point. The PI has also found proof that H has been soliciting "high class call girls" from the casinos. This is so totally unacceptable to me that there is absolutely no possibility at all now of me changing my mind about leaving him. In fact I'm so disgusted that quite honestly if I never saw him again it would be too soon.


My background is wife had an affair and we reconciled. 

I would strongly advise you that reconciliation comes at a price. I don't regret it for a minute, but if you don't want to reconcile, and one of the reasons is his infidelity with call girls, then you should definitely proceed to divorce.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

We are homeschoolers, too, and love it. But I agree with IMFAR that you should not change the status of your son's schooling. Drastic changes probably will not look good to the courts.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Here's a good laugh in the midst of the misery though. Haven't had sex in probably at least 18 months, and couldn't conceive normally to begin with, and I've been told I'm already in perimenopause, but when I described my current health problems to my gyn recently m the first thing out of her mouth was "sounds like you could be pregnant."

I think she was quite taken aback by my overly emphatic NO!!!

Unfortunately the next thing out of her mouth was that reproductive cancers can mimic pregnancy symptoms. So I'm still waiting for them to get back to me with the rest of my blood work results. As if finding out from my GP that I have type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol wasn't bad enough...

I'll be glad when I can move back home. I can't keep dealing with all of this alone.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> Oh I have no intention of reconciliation at this point.
> 
> 
> The PI has also found proof that H has been soliciting "high class call girls" from the casinos.
> ...



"high class call girls" from the casinos 


The verbalization of the PI and your 'absolute' opinion on it make no sense to me.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

OP, 

Given what you have discovered about your Husband have you run a credit check on both of you? You might want to talk to your attorney about freezing all marital assets and setting up temporary support payments for basic living expenses with a set allowance for extras for both of you until the divorce is final. People who gambe and have reckless sex with call girls can blow through a lot of money and do a lot of damage very fast. My best friend lost his business and 500K in 6 months at a casino in CT. Protect yourself and your child.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

My husband got arrested last night for DWI. Thank God he didn't get in an accident. My lawyer told me NOT to bail him out and to stay out of it as much as possible. MIL handled the bailout then called me up screaming because I didn't do it. I feel like someone has dropped a bomb on my life.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> My husband got arrested last night for DWI. Thank God he didn't get in an accident. My lawyer told me NOT to bail him out and to stay out of it as much as possible. MIL handled the bailout then called me up screaming because I didn't do it. I feel like someone has dropped a bomb on my life.


Out of interest, why did the lawyer give that advice? My thinking is that, if you are going to divorce, an amicable end will be preferable, and I could see how it would seem inflammatory.

Does your mother in law know he has moved out?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> My husband got arrested last night for DWI. Thank God he didn't get in an accident. My lawyer told me NOT to bail him out and to stay out of it as much as possible. MIL handled the bailout then called me up screaming because I didn't do it. I feel like someone has dropped a bomb on my life.


I see why you feel that way. That's how I would feel too in your circumstances.

At least you have some support here. We care.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Maybe his arrest will be his wake up call that his life is out of control.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Cried so hard last night I ended up puking for almost an hour. This morning I have a headache so bad I doubt I'll be going in to the office. I can't keep going on with no support system. I've been sick on and off for the past 3 months with no one to check up on me or help out with the parenting or the housework. I'm very glad my son seems to be the kind of person who never gets sick. I'm not sure right now I could take care of both of us if we were both sick. If this is what single parenting is like I'm in trouble. I wish right now my parents were in a position to be able to come and stay with me for a few days until I can get control of my emotions.

Yes my MIL is aware that H had moved out. She's not happy at all with his behavior. But he's still her son and she said my not bailing him out was a betrayal. I'm sad that this divorce is probably going to ruin my relationship with my in laws I've always gotten along with them. I don't know if H went back to his hotel or what MIL says he's not at her house. I know nothing about how to deal with this sort of thing no one in my family has ever been in jail before. Hell I've never even had a speeding ticket.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your in-laws are always going to take the side of their son. That's a given.

You have got to start taking better care of yourself. If not who is going to take care of that boy.

First order of business, put yourself first. You need to start eating regularlly. Your blood pressure must be up. Take some Tylenol l. Drink plenty of fluids. Make some soft cuddle eggs and eat that. Nothing acidic. 

Take your son to school, come home and go to bed. Resting then get up and eat something. 

Put something in your stomach every 2 to 3 hours. You have to eat. Also, if you are on statins you might be reacting to that. Call your doctor and let them know.

You are going to survive this. Making yourself sick is not going to help.

Call your family as many times as you need to vent. 

You must stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

OP, you are going through a lot right now. You should consider calling your Dr. and letting them know, consider asking for an Rx for anti-anxiety medication or short term anti depressants if appropriate. Sometimes they are needed for a short time. No reason to suffer if you don't have to. If you are having trouble sleeping try Melatonin (herbal and available over the counter start with 5mg.).

As for the household stuff, can you ask your cleaning lady to come a bit more often and help more temporarily? Grocery shopping can be done online, a lot of stores in CT deliver too. Everything feels overwhelming at the start, but you will soon realize you have been doing this alone this whole time. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your son, the rest will fall into place.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OP I have nothing useful to offer except an e-hug. Stay strong. Ok screw that. Be weak in private when you want to. Take care of yourself. Listen to the posters above. And keep us posted because I cannot be the only one worried about you. What a load of crap to have to deal with.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Good news: Maybe jail will be his wake up call. Doubtful though, if he woke up his first response should have been to call you. And sadly, I think, you see any wake up as too little too late. Has he ever been arrested before? 

Bad news: maybe jail will be his break down. Maybe it will destroy his self image. It seems he has built a self image around his job and long hours. If that self image collapses I expect he will go back to the casino and alcohol.

All of that is on him though. You must concentrate on you and your son. Look after your health. Keep eating healthy. Talk to your son.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

Make sure you get this info to your lawyer and the PI


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

theworkwidow said:


> My husband got arrested last night for DWI. Thank God he didn't get in an accident. My lawyer told me NOT to bail him out and to stay out of it as much as possible. MIL handled the bailout then called me up screaming because I didn't do it. I feel like someone has dropped a bomb on my life.



I do understand this whole situation. You have not been working on the marriage in my opinion. You just want him out. Why bother to come to TAM then? You have already written him off long before. So do not act as if this is all developing now.

Not helping him is a terrible act in my view...:frown2:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I do understand this whole situation. You have not been working on the marriage in my opinion. You just want him out. Why bother to come to TAM then? You have already written him off long before. So do not act as if this is all developing now.
> 
> Not helping him is a terrible act in my view...:frown2:


OP Be aware there are those of us who disagree vehemently with this. Like me. How are you doing? Got update?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> OP Be aware there are those of us who disagree vehemently with this. Like me. How are you doing? Got update?


Serious?

This is a dysfunctional marriage, like so many others. Not a reason to divorce without a serious effort to repair. And I think the mentioned issues by OP are rather futile compared to his opinion that his is not the father of this child...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Serious?
> 
> This is a dysfunctional marriage, like so many others. Not a reason to divorce without a serious effort to repair. And I think the mentioned issues by OP are rather futile compared to his opinion that his is not the father of this child...


It is difficult to imagine that you read the thread.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> And I think the mentioned issues by OP are rather futile compared to his opinion that his is not the father of this child...


Despite the fact that this "opinion" is based largely if not entirely on the husband's assumption that "geniuses" only have children that are also very intelligent in the exact same ways. If a woman made an out of the blue accusation about something that serious with zero evidence and just accusation someone would label her BPD and mentally ill. 

Thank you for continuing to prove the example of marriage problems being "mansplained" that women just can't grasp what the _real_ problem in a relationship is.

The real problem is that if he had that deep an issue with this the time to address it was before being an alcoholic, self-indulgent *****-chaser with a criminal record. He could've taken the kid for a DNA test any time over the past years without even involving the wife at all .... if he had actually cared enough to take the time to do it. Hell, you can do some of those kits at home easily and buy one at Walgreens. The fact he didn't screams that's a deflection, an excuse and total BS that's just really convenient to use.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I'll be honest. I didn't read all of the replies. I am a "recovering" workaholic. I still get trapped into that routine at times. In my mind, when it was really bad, I felt I was giving my wife all she wanted. We weren't excessively wealthy, but I was well into the 6 figures. We / She had the financial freedom to do just about anything. I thought that by providing that freedom, I was giving her everything she could want. I came from a "poor" family, so I was happy/proud to be able to provide this type of lifestyle for my wife.

What broke me was one day she told me she felt like a single mother. I never wanted to hear that ever again. That was my "rock bottom." You have to help him find his bottom. At that point, he will hopefully come to realize what is important. I am self employed, so I have a hard time saying no. I'm getting better, but have myself trapped in a bit of a bottleneck right now. I still carve out time to take my kids to school, activities and even spend a couple hours together on the weekend. In order to do this, I have sacrificed sleep. I'm lucky to have 3-4 hours per night. But, I am hoping to get this corrected in the near future.

Try to chat with him about what you want, what you need and where your feelings truly are.

Best of luck.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

I did not just "choose" to give up on my marriage. I told him how I felt about the fact that he was working as much as he was an spending no time with us. HE is the one who chose to get pissed off and move out - I didn't throw him out. I was apparently naive enough to believe he really was working all those hours - my lawyer set me straight on that one.

I guess, even though I've never had to think about it before, I would say I've kind of always known that cheating would be an automatic deal breaker for me. Even if he hadn't been away long enough (and acting uncaring enough) to have eroded my feelings for him, I don't think I can continue loving him, or especially having an intimate relationship with him, knowing that he has "shared" his body with other women. The pictures are now permanently in my head and I won't ever be able to get rid of them.

With my lawyer's approval, we are now back home with my family. I texted my husband to let him know we had moved out and got back a reply basically saying no great loss as far as he is concerned and when can he expect the divorce papers because he just wants to be done with it. He apparently plans to leave the country long term within the next couple of weeks.

Ironically, thanks in part at least to his arrest (as it turns out they found illegal drugs in his system as well so he's in more trouble than a first offense DWI) he was told that his contract will be terminated as soon as the IPO is over ... this coming Friday. He informed me that he's already lined up his next position ... It's out of the US with a company he worked for about 15 years ago ... And he made a point of telling me we weren't invited but that "oh by the way I have every intention of renewing acquaintance with a old female coworker I used to be "friends" with." Never would have questioned it back then. Now I have to wonder.

Life is a strange thing. Today a man from our church who I've known most of my life asked me out. I told him I was still married and had only just started divorce proceedings and had no interest in dating again so soon. He told me that pretty much everyone who knew my STBX and I as a couple had assumed practically from the beginning of of marriage that we'd end up divorced someday. Kind of threw me and made me feel like I should ask around and see if others say the same thing. So far I've asked my parents, my sister, and my best friend who was my MOH and they all agreed. It would seem that for the most part none of my family or close friends ever really liked him. I have to wonder now if maybe they always saw something I'm only just opening my eyes to after all these years.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Doesn't sound like his lady friend will be getting much of a prize. Wish her luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> Life is a strange thing. Today a man from our church who I've known most of my life asked me out. I told him I was still married and had only just started divorce proceedings and had no interest in dating again so soon. He told me that pretty much everyone who knew my STBX and I as a couple had assumed practically from the beginning of of marriage that we'd end up divorced someday. Kind of threw me and made me feel like I should ask around and see if others say the same thing. So far I've asked my parents, my sister, and my best friend who was my MOH and they all agreed. It would seem that for the most part none of my family or close friends ever really liked him. I have to wonder now if maybe they always saw something I'm only just opening my eyes to after all these years.


I had a similar response from my family when I divorced my first wife, so it's not just you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TWW I am so glad you are with your family. Good riddance to that POS.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*



theworkwidow said:


> I'm not going to come right out and say my husband is a workaholic. I understand his crazy hours are a normal part of his corporate culture. But his job is ruining our marriage!
> 
> 
> I'm lonely, I'm sad, I feel bad for my son who misses his dad.
> ...



From this worrying, feeling lonely and apart to divorce in thirty days....

I don't buy the not logical story. No way this looks like a normal thought process. Yes, like a novel, when the reader travels through the book in a couple of days. But not from the perspective of an OP. This was all precooked or is made up. Rewriting of history. That last item is known here on TAM...


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*



See_Listen_Love said:


> From this worrying, feeling lonely and apart to divorce in thirty days....
> 
> I don't buy the not logical story. No way this looks like a normal thought process. Yes, like a novel, when the reader travels through the book in a couple of days. But not from the perspective of an OP. This was all precooked or is made up. Rewriting of history. That last item is known here on TAM...


It looks entirely normal to me.

The "extended working hours" that were a cover for drinking and gambling have been going on for some time. The discovery was quick, but the problem is older. You start digging, you find stuff.

Also the story is not finished. Right now OP and husband are sniping and harsh things are being said. It could lead to divorce, or when they have time to think it could lead to confronting and resolving issues.

OP, I do suggest some sort of counselling to try and work through issues before finalising the divorce. Having said that, substance abuse is a serious problem, and if your husband is doing drugs you have to consider how to protect your child from that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Work &quot;widow&quot; need advice, support*

Don't let your MIL goad, bait, or yell at you. Disengage when she gets unruly. 

If not bailing your H out is a betrayal, then what the heck is getting a DUI? Blood is thicker than water. Ignore her guilt trips. Although I'd be tempted to tell her to s0d off, a better response would be to announce you're hanging up on her when she gets shrill, then when she carries on, do it. 

You don't need the extra stress baggage.


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