# Advice please!



## Tsuki (Feb 28, 2013)

I'm so flustered with everything, and feeling so much pressure with with all that is happening, and would really appreciate some other people's thoughts on everything.

I'm 22 and my spouse is 23, we got married December 2011. He joined the military, and I believe that brought on the early marriage proposal. We moved out to NC to start our lives together. 

About 8 months into the marriage I caught him sexting another girl and also attempted sexting my sister. At the time he was doing this, my sister was flying down to visit. When she got here after her visit she told me that when I was in bed he was trying to cuddle with her on the couch, and was stroking her arm and such, and that also the next morning when I was at work, that he came into her room while she was sleeping, woke her up and tried to get her to talk about ours and her sex life, and sex in general, and he was also trying to push us to have a threesome with him.

My sister and I are extremely close, and I believe every word she says. My husband and I did have a few problems at the time, we both have big flaws when it comes to communication, and I was also raped a few years back, so I was uncomfortable with sex for awhile, but I was seeing a therapist about it to help accept and move on from the experience, and he has a huge sex drive.

When I confronted him on sexting the other girl and my sister he blows up, and blames the reasons for why he did it on me. 

Then, a few months from then, he got medically discharged from the military and just stayed at home. He started staying up all night and sleeping all day, and I found out that he stayed up and started watching porn all night, and then pretty much had nothing to do with me all day... Again I confronted him on it and he blamed everything on me.

We're back home with our parents [separated] now due to financial reasoning's, and my sister did tell my family about everything that happened, and I've started talking to them for advice as well, but I'm really starting to wish I haven't. My family is not taking all of this well at all, and they have been pressuring me and constantly talking about all of this for about 2 months now, and it's worse now that I'm back home with them. They told me when i came down they would talk to me and give me time to think, but what it's turning into is I have until this Monday to file a divorce or they are kicking me out of the house and out of their lives for the most part, and it's either I stay and keep the respect of my family or attempt to make the marriage work. 


My husband sounds like he does really want to fix and make things right now, but I don't know if it's a show of words or if he actually means it, but my family won't give him the chance, and they said if he did try to fix it or make things right, they still wouldn't ever accept or forgive him.

I don't know, the whole situation is just painful and confusing, I really don't know what to do...

Thank you for any input or advice! It's much appreciated!


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you're here.

It sounds like your husband received no consequences from his sexting and the episode with your sister. That didn't help matters. But the disrespect and betrayal to you in trying to hook up with her is unbelievable. It leads me to believe if he would do that and at so early in your marriage, he won't stop. It appears at best he's immature and incapable of understanding what a marriage is all about, and at worst a serial cheater in the making.

Instead of advising you how to go about attempting an R, I would suggest to you that divorce may be the best option. You haven't been married long, no kids I assume, and he's giving you the gift of letting you know he's not a fit husband now, rather than you finding out after kids, a mortgage, and years of unfaithfulness. 

Accept that gift for what it is and think about divorce. Not because your parents insist, but because you are young, have your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve better than that.


----------



## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. What you know about is the sexting and attempting to further things with your sister. There may be more that you don't know about. Aside from the infidelity issue is the problem of emotional abuse. Your husband is using a technique called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone refuses to account for unacceptable behavior and instead shifts the blame to you through either anger or guilt. This is emotional abuse because it causes you to doubt your own feelings.

I completely support the advise given to you by bad memory. You are young and life has not yet become complicated. There are no children involved (or so it seems). If you continue this marriage without your H getting professional counseling and being fully honest and transparent with you I assure you, it will get much worse. But if you decide to take our advise and pursue a divorce do so because you do not deserve a life sentence of distrust and lies. Do it for yourself and thank your parents for their support but let them know this decision must be yours so that you do not have any regrets.

Additionally, I recently received wonderful advise by my counselor that assisted me in making primarily the same decision you are faced with. She told me that we must recognize our boundaries. If H's behavior crosses your boundaries (upsets you) that behavior must change. You cannot reset your boundaries to accept the behavior. Doing so creates a breeding ground or anger and resentment and ultimately results in you distancing yourself emotionally. So ask yourself...does this behavior hurt you? If so, it has crossed your boundaries. Stand firm on your boundaries. If he's not willing to be honest and transparent and seek counseling and commit to permanent change he will continue crossing your boundaries until you find yourself without feeling for him. That is what happened to me. 

I wish you the best of luck Tsuki and I do hope that you make this decision for yourself. Not for him or your family. Honestly evaluate the life you have and the life you want.

So sorry you are dealing with this.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

my advice RUN as fast as you can. hitting on your sister trying to get a threesome that is sick and wrong (nothing wrong with threesome, the incest threesome WRONG) for you leave and find a guy that deserves you


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Tsuki said:


> I caught him sexting another girl and also attempted sexting my sister .. after her visit she told me that when I was in bed he was trying to cuddle with her on the couch, and was stroking her arm and such, and that also the next morning when I was at work, that he came into her room while she was sleeping, woke her up and tried to get her to talk about ours and her sex life, and sex in general, and he was also trying to push us to have a threesome with him.
> 
> My sister and I are extremely close, and I believe every word she says.


Why do you believe every word she says? She didn't even tell you about the texting, cuddling, arm stroking and threeway talk until AFTER her visit! Doesn't even sound like she did anything to STOP the cuddling, arm stroking and sex talk, if anything it sounds like things gradually escalated during the time she visited. 



Tsuki said:


> My husband sounds like he does really want to fix and make things right now


Where the heck did you get that crazy idea from?




Tsuki said:


> When I confronted him on sexting the other girl and my sister he blows up, and blames the reasons for why he did it on me.. He started staying up all night and sleeping all day, and I found out that he stayed up and started watching porn all night, and then pretty much had nothing to do with me all day... Again I confronted him on it and he blamed everything on me.


Not the actions of a guy trying to make it right.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i did not catch the part about your sister not telling you till she left.....HUGE RED FLAG?!?!?! why did she wait till she left if she has nothing to hide? thats something you TELL your sister AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS!!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Your parents are correct. Their timing is over harsh. But they are correct.

No kids with this guy right?

If you stay with him you will be here again but with 3 kids in tow and a massively diminished dating value. Time to reboot.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husbands behavior will not change. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you can not fix him.

It really is in your best interest to file for divorce. Your husband will continue his cheating ways and end up giving you unwanted STD's. He will always blame you no matter what, that's what cheaters do.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Dear your 22 years old. Your 1 year over the legal drinking limit. 

GET G.D. DIVORCED and move on with your life. 

Why the fvck would you want to even try with this guy. I mean your 8 months into it and already he is showing you what a waste of life he is.. Just cut him loose please.. 

Your parents are pushing you because your dragging your feet. 

I couldn't imagine one person here that would tell you to keep him. 

Get divorced and pretend it never happened.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You parents are giving you tough love. Very tough.

Run.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Your parents are doing what they believe is best to prevent more suffering on your part. It may seem harsh, ok it is harsh....but considering their son-in-law wanted a threesome with their two daughters he's lucky to still be breathing. 

When people show you who they are, believe them. Your husband has serious issues that he needs to work on. In the meantime, you really should proceed with the divorce. That's what I would encourage my daughter to do in your situation.


----------



## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

...And this is why you don't get married at 22 -- Or at least, I wouldn't recommend it. You have no kids. Get divorced and start over. These are some of the joys of being young!! You make stupid mistakes and you get to try again. If you stay with him you will be pushing 40 with kids and miserable. He is not going to change. He is not ready for the commitment of marriage and he is immature. Your parents only have your best interest at heart 

I like the word someone used earlier: "Reboot"!!!


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Divorce the *******, and thank your parents!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I shake my head in sadness on these. We ALL see the train wreck coming.

He will ALWAYS cheat and NEVER have a job. I see poverty and 3 kids in poverty coming.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry this is happening to you  But I agree with the others - do what your parents are asking. Not because they asked, but because it's the only real choice you have if you want to avoid pain and suffering for your whole life.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Another bailed.

Another trainwreck coming


----------



## Tsuki (Feb 28, 2013)

No we don't have any kids, and he didn't receive any consequences for his actions at the time really. I have a hard time with confrontation and don't have an assertive bone in my body, and I really need to fix that. So, he did pretty much get away with it with no harsh punishments, until now.

Thank you all for the advice and input. 

The reason I think that he means that he wants to change now is because he is actually admitting to his mistakes now, that he screwed up, and is offering to do whatever it takes to make it work- by being transparent, seeing a marriage counselor, a counselor for himself and even involving both of our families if they were up for it.

All of this happened all at once at the same time about 5 months ago now; it's just being dealt with now, and I know it's huge, and I feel stupid for letting this happen and continuing to go through with it, but apart of me really wants to make it work too, but I do know and agree it will most likely be a long and painful process to mend all of this, and don't know if it's worth it or even possible at this point in such a short marriage. 

I know my parents are just trying to protect me, and that they are also very hurt by all of this, but I feel they are going about it in the wrong way.

I thank you guys so much for your input on everything, it was nice hearing other points of views.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If any man cheated on my daughter AND tried to start any form of three way with my other daughter...
Boy...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tsuki said:


> My husband sounds like he does really want to fix and make things right now, but I don't know if it's a show of words or if he actually means it


Seriously?

You would take back a man who tried to hit on YOUR SISTER?

Do you have so little self esteem that you think that's all you deserve?


----------

