# Time to make a decision and I need advice please



## Gwendoline (Jan 23, 2010)

I am in my late 20s, married coming up 3 years, been with husband for 7. To summarise getting to my current situation; in the last 18months i have really had the opportunity to find myself and grow into the person I've always wanted to be. As such I have grown apart from my husband to some extent; he has noticed this and because of his own insecurities or concerns keeps insisting he wants the old me back, probably because things were simpler (for him). As the result of a number of mixed feels, I began having an affair with an older married man4 months ago (18years age diff, he married for 20 but it has been a loveless marriage for majority of that time), who works at the same company as I. It began innocently enough with emails, then lunches, then I met with him for bruch one sunday, hiked in the woods, which led to him kissing me. And from there we have actually developed very strong and mutual feelings for each other. I continue to grow apart from my husband; not suprisingly; and am not sure if we will ever be compatable (these feelings were beginning before my affair). I frequently think long and hard about the truth of my situation and my feelings and what my options are. So what I need your help with is to clarify the following: I feel like I am falling in love with the other man (it has been 4 months now and our increasing feelings have caught us both by surprise). Is this possible considering my current situation? I realise by allowing myslef to feel so strongly for this other man, I am no longer contributing to my marriage and it is suffering more; should i be completely honest with my husband? My husband and I have acknowledged our issues openly several times but nothing ever gets resolved. He works away 2 weeks in every 3 and every time he comes home he acts like everything is just fine. I am seriously considering ending this marriage to make me happy and to let him find someone more compatable. Our marriage isn't bad or ugly, just not clicking, and i am concerned it never will. I feel like I want to be with this other man. We are very good together, suprising both of us (considering the age gap). Am I being selfish and/or lacking committment to my marriage or should I really be considering ending it? Any questions or advice welcome. Its always hard to fit a whole life into one post..


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Make a real effort to fix what's wrong with your marriage, and if you can't then end it with finality. And remember that a man who cheats with you will cheat on you.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Gwendoline said:


> I am in my late 20s, married coming up 3 years, been with husband for 7. To summarise getting to my current situation; in the last 18months i have really had the opportunity to find myself and grow into the person I've always wanted to be. As such I have grown apart from my husband to some extent; he has noticed this and because of his own insecurities or concerns keeps insisting he wants the old me back, probably because things were simpler (for him). As the result of a number of mixed feels, I began having an affair with an older married man4 months ago (18years age diff, he married for 20 but it has been a loveless marriage for majority of that time), who works at the same company as I. It began innocently enough with emails, then lunches, then I met with him for bruch one sunday, hiked in the woods, which led to him kissing me. And from there we have actually developed very strong and mutual feelings for each other. I continue to grow apart from my husband; not suprisingly; and am not sure if we will ever be compatable (these feelings were beginning before my affair). I frequently think long and hard about the truth of my situation and my feelings and what my options are. So what I need your help with is to clarify the following: I feel like I am falling in love with the other man (it has been 4 months now and our increasing feelings have caught us both by surprise). Is this possible considering my current situation? I realise by allowing myslef to feel so strongly for this other man, I am no longer contributing to my marriage and it is suffering more; should i be completely honest with my husband? My husband and I have acknowledged our issues openly several times but nothing ever gets resolved. He works away 2 weeks in every 3 and every time he comes home he acts like everything is just fine. I am seriously considering ending this marriage to make me happy and to let him find someone more compatable. Our marriage isn't bad or ugly, just not clicking, and i am concerned it never will. I feel like I want to be with this other man. We are very good together, suprising both of us (considering the age gap). Am I being selfish and/or lacking committment to my marriage or should I really be considering ending it? Any questions or advice welcome. Its always hard to fit a whole life into one post..


u asked r u being selfish ? the answer is yes because u want to end ur marriage for this other man & ur husband does not even know about it . guess u wanna give him a shock .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are speaking from the 'fog' of someone having an affair. The minute you set down that path, you 'rewrite' everything about you and your spouse - to justify what you are about to do.

The only way for you to regain ANY integrity in your life is to STOP seeing this or any other man, tell your husband the truth, and then sit down and discuss your marriage and how to fix it. Disregard anything you have thought or decided from the moment you started having an affair - it is all tainted and false thinking due to your addiction to the other man.

Do the right thing.


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## Gwendoline (Jan 23, 2010)

Very true and honest advice Turnera, I really appreciate it. I am struggling with the concept of cutting the Om off entirely as I have developed a bond with him. I am not sure what is normal in an affair (if normal is even the right word to use) but I suspect we are more involved than a casual affair should be. I am picturing a life with the OM and you are right, it is slanting everything about my marriage to make me think of why I want to leave instead of how I can make it work. It probably sounds naieve, but what if the OM is THE man for me? What if my husband is too different and we (or I) have outgrown each other? 
And how honest are you suggesting I be with my Husband? Should I tell him everything including the affair and my feelings for the OM? I cant help thinking I eould rather reso\lve my feelings myself so as to spare him extra pain and confusion. Although telling him might make my decision for me as he might leave me. Is it concerning that this wouldn't bother me as much as it probably should? I think I am subconciously withdrawing and being cold and distant towards him so that he will leave me...and thoughts? Would like an insight into this as it is concerning and confusing me a great deal..


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I have a couple of questions for you. I can't really give good advice without knowing where you are mentally. 

How do you know his marriage is loveless FOR A FACT? Can you say that you are 100% sure that this man wouldn't possibly lie to you just to get you in bed?

Do you not want to tell your H to spare him the hurt, or do you not want to tell you H so you won't have to own up to what you did?

Have you thought about all the people you will be affecting with this affair? His wife, your H, any kids he might have, etc??

What happens when this gets around at work that you two were having an affair??


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Are you thinking about leaving your husband because you no longer love him, or because you have envisioned how wonderful and magical your life could be with the OM?

Is the OM going to leave his wife? If not, would you still be happy being the OW? Let me ask, does the OM have issues with his wife...money, health, home, children, business...that keep him trapped in his marriage? If that is the case, he's using you.

My advise....break it off completely with the OM, COMPLETELY. Put everything into saving your marriage, and getting back what you and your hubby used to have. If you still feel like you're done with your marriage without the other influnces, then get a divorce so you and your husband can move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gwendoline said:


> Very true and honest advice Turnera, I really appreciate it. I am struggling with the concept of cutting the Om off entirely as I have developed a bond with him. I am not sure what is normal in an affair (if normal is even the right word to use) but I suspect we are more involved than a casual affair should be. I am picturing a life with the OM and you are right, it is slanting everything about my marriage to make me think of why I want to leave instead of how I can make it work. It probably sounds naieve, but what if the OM is THE man for me? What if my husband is too different and we (or I) have outgrown each other?
> And how honest are you suggesting I be with my Husband? Should I tell him everything including the affair and my feelings for the OM? I cant help thinking I eould rather reso\lve my feelings myself so as to spare him extra pain and confusion. Although telling him might make my decision for me as he might leave me. Is it concerning that this wouldn't bother me as much as it probably should? I think I am subconciously withdrawing and being cold and distant towards him so that he will leave me...and thoughts? Would like an insight into this as it is concerning and confusing me a great deal..


 What is a marriage?

If not total honesty with each other? Best friends? Whom you can tell anything? 

If you don't have that, you don't have a marriage; you have self-protection.

Time to do the honorable thing and tell him the truth so HE can decide if he wants to keep trying. By not telling him, you are robbing him of his own integrity. You owe him that much.


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## Gwendoline (Jan 23, 2010)

Good questions DawnD, let me try and answer them so I can get accurate advice.
I am thinking of leaving my husband, firstly because i suspect I am not in love with him. Also because I think we have grown appart this past 18months, partly my fault. I have followed his direction for the past 4 years and am only just realising how much I resent what I have given up for him. I want my life now and he has very set ideas and is becomming increasingly set in his ways; I find I am not liking large parts of his personality, and its not fair on him.
I am very practical and grounded; i have no illusions that the grass is greener on the other side; its just different.
My marriage wasn't working well before the OM was on the scene (obviously he is a result, not a cause). 
The OM is surprisingly a good fit for me and my personality and i for his (despite the age gap)..thats why we work so well, which is what has turned a casual affair into a relationship. Entirely not planned, although none of this has been..
The OM has been 20years with his wife, 19 of which have been loveless, no kids, no affection from his wife etc, obviously all reasons he and I started an affair. He is a very honest man (sounds contrary, I know) and i have no doubt the things he says are from his head and heart. We haven't professed our love, we are just both confused as to why we have such chemistry and where this whole thing is going to take us. The age gap is certainly holding us back a little as it requires a lot of consideration. I feel bad that I am making decisions and contemplating my future without my H, but I want to make sure I have thought of everything before I potentially hurt anyone in this senario.
The OM does not have money, health, home, children, business issues; just a loveless marriage of 20years. I am certain he is not using me and i am not using him.
I have no problem telling my H what I have done/want to do, but I want to be certain before dumping anything on him. I understand my leaving him will affect a number of people in our lives, though thankfully no children are involved. My parents have noticed our problems and have said they will support me whatever i decide to do. My H would be devestated if I left him, as would his family. Our mutual or shared friends would be surprised and confused for sure. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple, or used to be anyway. His wife may be indifferent as Om suspects she is about to head back to the UK to live by her parents.
As for work finding out; we would certainly be a topic of conversation, thats for sure. But I think we would keep to ourselves for some months before showing we are a couple (if this were to be the senario played out). I don't thik i would tell people i had an affair with him first. I don't want to be judged if i can avoid it.
So hopefully I have covered all you need to know. I am actually a very sensible, thoughful person who thinks everything through. I like to know all my options and all the information before making decisions, and this phase of my life is no different. What to do? I just want to be sure of myself, either way. Advice please!


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## Gwendoline (Jan 23, 2010)

How much "truth" do you suggest i tell him at this stage? I almost want to get to the point where i have made up my mind before i tell him and hurt him; but i know this is also selfish as it gives him no chance to discuss the issues. I have suggested councelling and will try and get that started when he is back from work. Although part of me only wants to do the councelling so i can say I tried, and so that he is aware of the issues that got us to that point. I don't know if I want to work on a reconciliation...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have not walked a mile in your shoes, so I really don't know if I have a right to offer advice. I just have a comment/question or two for you. I am not trying to say that this OM is playing you, it may be the real deal.

I just want to point out a couple things. Every OM is in a loveless marriage, or she doesn't understand him, etc... The fact is, for some strange reason, he's stayed in it for 19 years after the love was gone. Why? Also, if that were true, then he has been denying himself and his wife the opportunity to find love by remaining married. Odds are, you only know what he's telling you, which is never the whole story.

It looks to me like you feel that your marriage is very one sided. It is focused on your husband and not you, or not even as you two being a happy couple together. You're struggling to figure out if this is worth saving. You're taking time to figure out what the right decision will be.

The problem is, as you, yourself have said, is that you are looking at things through the "fog" of the affair. I don't see how you can really make that kind of decision in this haze.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, personally, I am ashamed for you. You are having an affair and you're trying to justify it. There IS no way to justify cheating on your husband. 

You're a cheater. Deal with it. 

If you're not going to stop being immoral, AT LEAST do the only right thing you have left and divorce your husband so he can find someone to marry who will not cheat on him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gwendoline said:


> How much "truth" do you suggest i tell him at this stage? I almost want to get to the point where i have made up my mind before i tell him and hurt him; but i know this is also selfish as it gives him no chance to discuss the issues. I have suggested councelling and will try and get that started when he is back from work. Although part of me only wants to do the councelling so i can say I tried, and so that he is aware of the issues that got us to that point. *I don't know if I want to work on a reconciliation..*.


Honestly, this makes me want to throw up.

YOU CHEATED.

YOU gave up the right to decide if YOU want a reconciliation. At this point, you should be telling your husband EVERYTHING you did, and BEGGING him for forgiveness. 

But no, you have it all down in a nice, neat, package to explain away your lack of morals.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks for answering the questions, it helps some. I understand the feeling of growing apart, but I also know that even if you grow in different directions you can still reconcile a relationship. It isn't always easy, but you can do it.

A good way to think of things for yourself is to think about the future without the OM or your H. That is very well how it could end up. Sit down and think what would you do if you turn around and divorce your H to find out that he isn't willing to do the same. Are you going to be happy being his mistress your whole life? 

Scarletblue brought up a fantastic point. If it was a loveless marriage, why has he been in it 20 years?? Have you considered that you may not be the first one he has cheated on his wife with? Have you thought about it he is willing to do it to her, he is willing to do it to you? Most people think that "no, he cares too much about me and I him" but when it comes down to it, feelings change as we all know. 

This affair isn't a relationship. It is an affair. It may be emotional as well as physical, but thats it. Talk with your H and let him know what you have been doing, adn I bet he will let you go. He may be upset and hurt, but if you didn't want that you wouldn't have cheated on him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's something in affair-talk called 'rewriting history.' 

Every person who has an affair rewrites history. Suddenly, as soon as you know there's another guy who's into you, your whole past with your husband becomes this horrible thing you have had to endure. Suddenly, all those giggles you shared, the amazing sex, the 5-hour-long private discussions, the OMG feelings you had...they were all just pretend. 

Why does this happen? Because you're not a psychopath. You have morals. And feelings. And know right from wrong. But you have chosen the 'wrong' path instead of the 'right' path the instant you took your affair beyond the innocent stage. 

So, suddenly, you have the choice to either (1) continue the affair but hate yourself, disgust yourself, or (2) rewrite your past so you have an _excuse_ to have an affair.

But do you see that that is you lying to yourself? If your marriage was so bad, why did you go into it? Were all the happy times just fake? No. You're telling yourself they weren't real so you can continue your addiction to the OM.

If you think it's not an addiction, tell us right here, right now, that you will not speak to or see the OM for an entire week. See what happens.


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## Gwendoline (Jan 23, 2010)

Its interesting how judgemental some people can be. I'm assuming if they are in a position to offer such harsh and finite opinions, their lives must be perfect. Yes we all know black and white, right thing to do vs wrong. Ultimately we have one life to live; there are always choices, and consequences to the choices we make. I am not a bad person, I know that. I am not trying to justify my affair as has been suggested; I am trying to explain my mindset throughout this whole confusing phase of my life. i understand what I am doing and I am not doing it specifically to hurt my husband, but it does seem this will be the end result and i am sorry for this. Everyone seems to think i should ditch the OM (a valid point) and throw myself at the mercy of my husband begging his forgiveness and try to rebuild our marriage...also valid points. I however think that if I do tell my H then its over. I have thought about my life without H and OM and i am capable of going it alone. Not my preference but as im leaning towards leaving my marriage being the best option for all involved (including my H) then it is a very real possibility. Its hard to talk about reconcilliation when my H is away for 8 weeks essentially...so I'm still confused and want to make sure i make the right decision, despite some people thinking I don't have the right to make these decisions in my own life. If that makes you want to throw up turnea, by all means go comment on someone elses posts. i'm looking for constructive help and advice..


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sorry if you feel judged by me honey, that isn't my intention. I just want to make sure that you are thinking clearly, without the cloud of the affair with you. This is why I say to tell your H about it, and I bet he will let you go. I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean it in the sense that he may see you aren't happy and haven't been. Of course the affair is really gonna sting, but thats not avoidable.

If you don't contac the OM for a set time and purely think about your marriage, you can come to a conclusion. I just worry that you will fall into the same trap that many others have fallen into. You will both leave your spouses, and then neither one of you will trust the other and come to regret the decisions made. If you think only purely about yourself and realize walking away that you could end up with neither, and its still what you want, then you know what to do. 

If your H asks for counseling would you be able to do it?? That would require no contact with the OM too though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Judging? 

Did your parents tell you 'honey, it's ok to cheat on your husband when you get married, as long as YOU are happy'? I doubt it.

Do your parents know you are having an affair?

Why not?

_Because you know it's wrong._

All I'm suggesting is that you say "I will never ever contact OM again; for the rest of my life. NOW...what will I do with my life?"

If you will do that - and DO it, not just say it - NEVER EVER speak to or contact this OM again, for the rest of your life, I don't care what you do. As long as you don't leave your husband because you think this guy is waiting for you. THAT is wrong.

Will you do that?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Gwendoline said:


> Its interesting how judgemental some people can be. I'm assuming if they are in a position to offer such harsh and finite opinions, their lives must be perfect. Yes we all know black and white, right thing to do vs wrong. Ultimately we have one life to live; there are always choices, and consequences to the choices we make. I am not a bad person, I know that. I am not trying to justify my affair as has been suggested; I am trying to explain my mindset throughout this whole confusing phase of my life. i understand what I am doing and I am not doing it specifically to hurt my husband, but it does seem this will be the end result and i am sorry for this. Everyone seems to think i should ditch the OM (a valid point) and throw myself at the mercy of my husband begging his forgiveness and try to rebuild our marriage...also valid points. I however think that if I do tell my H then its over. I have thought about my life without H and OM and i am capable of going it alone. Not my preference but as im leaning towards leaving my marriage being the best option for all involved (including my H) then it is a very real possibility. Its hard to talk about reconcilliation when my H is away for 8 weeks essentially...so I'm still confused and want to make sure i make the right decision, despite some people thinking I don't have the right to make these decisions in my own life. If that makes you want to throw up turnea, by all means go comment on someone elses posts. i'm looking for constructive help and advice..


can i ask u when ur husband is supposd to be back ?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Gwendoline said:


> Its interesting how judgemental some people can be. I'm assuming if they are in a position to offer such harsh and finite opinions, their lives must be perfect. Yes we all know black and white, right thing to do vs wrong. Ultimately we have one life to live; there are always choices, and consequences to the choices we make. I am not a bad person, I know that. I am not trying to justify my affair as has been suggested; I am trying to explain my mindset throughout this whole confusing phase of my life. i understand what I am doing and I am not doing it specifically to hurt my husband, but it does seem this will be the end result and i am sorry for this. Everyone seems to think i should ditch the OM (a valid point) and throw myself at the mercy of my husband begging his forgiveness and try to rebuild our marriage...also valid points. I however think that if I do tell my H then its over. I have thought about my life without H and OM and i am capable of going it alone. Not my preference but as im leaning towards leaving my marriage being the best option for all involved (including my H) then it is a very real possibility. Its hard to talk about reconcilliation when my H is away for 8 weeks essentially...so I'm still confused and want to make sure i make the right decision, despite some people thinking I don't have the right to make these decisions in my own life. If that makes you want to throw up turnea, by all means go comment on someone elses posts. i'm looking for constructive help and advice..


ofcourse everyone has the right to make decisons for his/her life . but I would suggest u not to make any decison until u fully understand how exactly it will affect the people concerned .


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I am sorry if you feel judged by me honey, that isn't my intention. I just want to make sure that you are thinking clearly, without the cloud of the affair with you. This is why I say to tell your H about it, and I bet he will let you go. I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean it in the sense that he may see you aren't happy and haven't been. Of course the affair is really gonna sting, but thats not avoidable.
> 
> If you don't contac the OM for a set time and purely think about your marriage, you can come to a conclusion. I just worry that you will fall into the same trap that many others have fallen into. You will both leave your spouses, and then neither one of you will trust the other and come to regret the decisions made. If you think only purely about yourself and realize walking away that you could end up with neither, and its still what you want, then you know what to do.
> 
> If your H asks for counseling would you be able to do it?? That would require no contact with the OM too though.


excellent post


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Gwendoline said:


> Its interesting how judgemental some people can be. I'm assuming if they are in a position to offer such harsh and finite opinions, their lives must be perfect. Yes we all know black and white, right thing to do vs wrong. Ultimately we have one life to live; there are always choices, and consequences to the choices we make. I am not a bad person, I know that. I am not trying to justify my affair as has been suggested; I am trying to explain my mindset throughout this whole confusing phase of my life. i understand what I am doing and I am not doing it specifically to hurt my husband, but it does seem this will be the end result and i am sorry for this. Everyone seems to think i should ditch the OM (a valid point) and throw myself at the mercy of my husband begging his forgiveness and try to rebuild our marriage...also valid points. I however think that if I do tell my H then its over. I have thought about my life without H and OM and i am capable of going it alone. Not my preference but as im leaning towards leaving my marriage being the best option for all involved (including my H) then it is a very real possibility. Its hard to talk about reconcilliation when my H is away for 8 weeks essentially...so I'm still confused and want to make sure i make the right decision, despite some people thinking I don't have the right to make these decisions in my own life. If that makes you want to throw up turnea, by all means go comment on someone elses posts. i'm looking for constructive help and advice..


Something to keep in mind here, is that some of the members here have been cheated on and have very strong feelings about the subject. It's easier for them to identify with the person who was cheated on rather than the person who is cheating. They will speak harshly towards you because they have been hurt by something you have done. It's difficult for sure, but please understand that a lot of members here are still hurting from problems in their marriages as well...

I have been on both sides of where your situation. I can say with all certainty that your feelings for the OM have clouded your reality of the situation. If you were to look at your hopes and dreams about your future with your hubby, you would possibly have a much different outlook. I know this isn't going to be a common piece of advice, but I would break it off with the other man and not tell your hubby. Tell your hubby that you aren't happy and that you want to work on your marriage. Tell him that if things don't change, that you don't see yourself being together. Get a counselor and start to go through the issues that you think are hindering your ability to have the happy and healthy marriage you envisioned when you got married. 

Best of luck to you...


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