# Teenage daughters and BC



## Tron

OK. So my oldest D has turned 16 recently. Her school has been very good about sex ed, parenting, birth control, etc. and my W has had the "talk" with her. D16 has been very responsible about these sorts of things in the past. 

D16 does not have a boyfriend right now, but that does not necessarily mean we aren't thinking ahead about sex. Both W and I had our first sexual encounters at 16 and grudgingly acknowledge that sex may be on the horizon for our D.

My W recently bought a pouch/bag for D and filled it with all manner of birth control options. The plan is to give it to her with the caveat that we won't be checking it but want her to have what she needs when she needs it. Teen pregnancy is NOT something we want to deal with.

Both the W and I want to write our own letter/message in the pouch for our D. So, the purpose of the post is to get feedback from the forum about what I should write down in mine. The W has written some scripture with religious undertones. I normally have plenty of things to say, but i am a bit stumped here for some reason. I don't want to appear too old fashioned. I am more interested in a practical message that conveys my opinion that sex is a big step, it involves serious feelings that are better dealt with as an adult and my general opinion that I don't feel she is ready for it yet. I wasn't ready at 16, became overly attached and it had lasting negative impact for me when things fell apart with my high school GF. I see the potential for these same issues with D16.

Any ideas?


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## Corpuswife

You are off to a great start! Ideally your daughter will never have sex unless it's with her life partner/marriage! lol....however we all know the desires and pull of a sexual relationship to young.

I am so glad that I hooked my daughter up with the Guardisil vaccine for HPV back when she didn't even think of boys. I would highly suggest this vaccine for the future. 

Open up the dialogue as her dad and give her a mans perspective of relationships. It's sounds as if you may have already done this?

I love the idea of the pouch or bag with a note! Very creative. 

You are dead on right....sex comes easy and quick. Preparation is the key!


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## turnera

bullcorn.

What she needs is an upfront, in your face discussion from EACH of you, separately, with your own viewpoints on why she should or shouldn't have sex - ruin future, can't finish college, has to rely on a deadbeat teenage father, etc.


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## Tron

turnera said:


> bullcorn.
> 
> What she needs is an upfront, in your face discussion from EACH of you, separately, with your own viewpoints on why she should or shouldn't have sex - ruin future, can't finish college, has to rely on a deadbeat teenage father, etc.


That is going to happen Turnera. I would much prefer not to have to do this pouch thing and pretend that she isnt going to be sexually active. But you know how these things are. That plus my W is adamant about it.

What I am looking for is some lasting words of wisdom that will stick with her when and if she goes into that pouch.


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## Anonymous07

turnera said:


> bullcorn.
> 
> What she needs is an upfront, in your face discussion from EACH of you, separately, with your own viewpoints on why she should or shouldn't have sex - ruin future, can't finish college, has to rely on a deadbeat teenage father, etc.


Scare tactics don't work well with everyone and it really depends on the individual. If my parents did that with me, I'd just "shut down" and they would be wasting their time. I respond a lot better to a more caring approach, such as the pouch. I never had sex with anyone other than my husband, so not doing the above scare tactic worked well for me. I have no regrets and I am glad I waited to have sex with only him.


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## Tron

Anonymous07 said:


> Scare tactics don't work well with everyone and it really depends on the individual. If my parents did that with me, I'd just "shut down" and they would be wasting their time. I respond a lot better to a more caring approach, such as the pouch. I never had sex with anyone other than my husband, so not doing the above scare tactic worked well for me. I have no regrets and I am glad I waited to have sex with only him.


D16 can be very defiant and volatile. I know that she won't react well to scare tactics.


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## anja

She likely already feels she is an adult. What would have helped the teen aged me would have been an honest account of how boys/men go about sex and the possible tactics they use to get what they want. To prepare me for the smooth talk so I could have identified it for what it was rather than to think I've found true love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

I am on my second teenage daughter and feel the same way you do about dealing with teenage pregnancy. I too was a teen parent. So I have always given it to my girls raw and uncut. Though I was not the typical teen parent as ive always been far more mature than my peers. I was not informed enough not to get pregnant. Only told I better not come home with a baby;yet was never told how not to. Sex talk was taboo in my home. So with my girls I show them real life examples and results of sex before you're actually ready not only physically; but mentally and financially as well. I point out the lives of those who did not get pregnant and have children early and those who did. Though my life doesn't exactly reflect that of most teen parents. I have relatives and associates whose lives do. I make it known to them that its not even so much about sex as it is the many choices that come with having sex . I unfortunately have a relative who is HIV positive. They know, even my son knowthat this is a result of not making the right choices when having sex i.e. protection, promiscuity, and so on. I show them good hard working women who are raising kids alone because they were so in love that they felt they were ready for sex. and how the love of their life ran away from responsibilities . It happens. Some don't like that approach. Yes it's hard and harsh. But so is the real world at times.


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## Tron

anja said:


> She likely already feels she is an adult.


That is an understatement. 



anja said:


> What would have helped the teen aged me would have been an honest account of how boys/men go about sex and the possible tactics they use to get what they want. To prepare me for the smooth talk so I could have identified it for what it was rather than to think I've found true love.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That, I believe I can help with a little. But anything I can add to that convo would be appreciated. I wasn't a Casanova back then.


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## hehasmyheart

I started way too young. My parents had not had the talk with me.

If I look at some of the problems it could have caused for me, I would state the following:

*The risk of pregnancy, of course.

*The emotions that come along with a first time sex partner are SO intense, way too much so for this age.

*The risk of getting a "reputation" or rumors to be spread around.

*Risk for STD.

There are probably more, but that's what I thought of at the moment.

I would write a sincere letter stating some of these things. Let her know you love her and don't want her to rush into anything she could later regret.

I believe teen girls should get on the pill, and I don't see it as permission, just prevention. Come to think of it though, wouldn't it be nice if there was a pill to calm down the raging hormones?..lol

Maybe you could also buy an appropriate book that addresses the topic, and put it in there.

Btw, I think that's a great idea! :smthumbup:


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## anja

The guys will be much more helpful with actual content than I could be. I'd rather not recount all the crud that I believed.

I think you might make a bigger impact on her by wording your letter with the tone and mindset of talking to a young adult, rather than her being a child and sex is better left for adult hood. If you talk to her like she is a child still, which she is but won't know for a few more years, she might spend all her mental energy defending her perceived adult-ness and maturity. At this age she is unable to look past that and hear your message. All she'll know is that you don't get her and know nothing about her life at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
Edited for typo


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## turnera

Anonymous07 said:


> Scare tactics don't work well with everyone and it really depends on the individual. If my parents did that with me, I'd just "shut down" and they would be wasting their time. I respond a lot better to a more caring approach, such as the pouch. I never had sex with anyone other than my husband, so not doing the above scare tactic worked well for me. I have no regrets and I am glad I waited to have sex with only him.


 Who said anything about scare tactics? I said an upfront conversation.

I sat my DD22 down and said let's think this through. Teenage boys are rushing with hormones and there's usually one thing on their mind at all times - scoring as many girls as they can and increasing their prestige among the boys. Sure, there are some nice guys who will wait and not push you - and you can find them, if you don't put out for every other guy who will push you. So say you go ahead and tell yourself you're 'in love' with some 16 year old boy, and you go ahead and do it. You know how many times you change your mind on a weekly basis - what makes you think the boy won't change his mind about being 'in love' with you once the thrill of the hunt is gone? You'll just be another notch on his belt and he'll be gone, onto the next conquest. If a boy really likes you, he will wait.


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## turnera

anja said:


> She likely already feels she is an adult. What would have helped the teen aged me would have been an honest account of how boys/men go about sex and the possible tactics they use to get what they want. To prepare me for the smooth talk so I could have identified it for what it was rather than to think I've found true love.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That's exactly what I taught DD22 (who is still a virgin, btw). I fell for those smooth talks and I've hated myself for it. Didn't want that to happen to her.


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## F-102

"Dear daughter;

Obviously, you now have this pouch, and I would like you to read this with an open mind, and remember that everything that is said here is done with the utmost love and dedication to your feelings and your well being-even your safety.

By now, you have heard from friends, relatives, people on TV, teachers, preachers, big-mouths in school, politicians, mystics and statistics all the myths, jokes, facts, fantasies and horror stories about sex. They run the gamut from how beautiful and wonderful and empowering it can be to threats of eternal damnation if you even think of it. Please keep in mind that these people don't know you like mom and I do. And, they don't know you like YOU do. 

What I will say, is that there is no real way to say these things to you without sounding like an overprotective father. I don't want you to feel that I am a stubborn "warden" who is going to keep you locked up until you are 40, a guy who will meet all of your dates at the door with a shotgun. But, I am not going to be permissive in this and let you make decisions with serious consequences lightly.

I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be here for you, and I hope that you will talk of things such as sex, boys, etc. freely with me, and I will not "freak out" on you, I will not threaten you with eternal grounding and shipping you off to a convent if you ask me about sex. I will talk to you like a decent human being, I will answer your questions as best I can and not condemn you.

Now, these BC options in this pouch are in no way a "green light" to act promiscuously, and act irresponsibly. They are a way to give you protection, because if you feel you must, as all humans do, you will find temptation of that sort EXTREMELY hard to resist, and I want you to know that we are providing you with all the protection that is possible. Even with these things, please be reminded that no protection is 110% percent effective-they do sometimes fail. The only 110% effective birth control is abstinence, and I do hope you choose that path. But again, please be reminded that mom and I are giving you this pouch in the hopes that you will make responsible, mature decisions with this.

There is so much, much more I want to tell you and discuss with you, but there ain't enough trees in this world to put it on paper. I really want to TALK with you about this, and remember...

...I'm ALWAYS here for you."


There, how's that?


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## turnera

I would take out the 'EXTREMELY' part. Not always true, and leading her to WANT to be that way. since dad says so.


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## Hope1964

I'd be stressing the STD thing moreso than the pregnancy thing. I also wouldn't be giving her a bunch of options - it would be condoms, period. Hopefully she will always use a condom - no other form of birth control offers protection from STD's as well as condoms do!

Also, the Guardasil vaccine is controversial. My daughter made her own choice to NOT get it.

As for the wording, the advice already given is better than mine would be


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## Tron

F-102 said:


> "Dear daughter;
> 
> Obviously, you now have this pouch, and I would like you to read this with an open mind, and remember that everything that is said here is done with the utmost love and dedication to your feelings and your well being-even your safety.
> 
> By now, you have heard from friends, relatives, people on TV, teachers, preachers, big-mouths in school, politicians, mystics and statistics all the myths, jokes, facts, fantasies and horror stories about sex. They run the gamut from how beautiful and wonderful and empowering it can be to threats of eternal damnation if you even think of it. Please keep in mind that these people don't know you like mom and I do. And, they don't know you like YOU do.
> 
> What I will say, is that there is no real way to say these things to you without sounding like an overprotective father. I don't want you to feel that I am a stubborn "warden" who is going to keep you locked up until you are 40, a guy who will meet all of your dates at the door with a shotgun. But, I am not going to be permissive in this and let you make decisions with serious consequences lightly.
> 
> I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be here for you, and I hope that you will talk of things such as sex, boys, etc. freely with me, and I will not "freak out" on you, I will not threaten you with eternal grounding and shipping you off to a convent if you ask me about sex. I will talk to you like a decent human being, I will answer your questions as best I can and not condemn you.
> 
> Now, these BC options in this pouch are in no way a "green light" to act promiscuously, and act irresponsibly. They are a way to give you protection, because if you feel you must, as all humans do, you will find temptation of that sort EXTREMELY hard to resist, and I want you to know that we are providing you with all the protection that is possible. Even with these things, please be reminded that no protection is 110% percent effective-they do sometimes fail. The only 110% effective birth control is abstinence, and I do hope you choose that path. But again, please be reminded that mom and I are giving you this pouch in the hopes that you will make responsible, mature decisions with this.
> 
> There is so much, much more I want to tell you and discuss with you, but there ain't enough trees in this world to put it on paper. I really want to TALK with you about this, and remember...
> 
> ...I'm ALWAYS here for you."
> 
> 
> There, how's that?


F-102, been following you a bit on CWI.

Sounds like you've been through this before. Outstanding recap. Thank you.

I am going to stew on this and other's comments a while but keep them coming. 

Rest assured, I'll post my final version for everyone.


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## F-102

Tron said:


> F-102, been following you a bit on CWI.
> 
> Sounds like you've been through this before. Outstanding recap. Thank you.
> 
> I am going to stew on this and other's comments a while but keep them coming.
> 
> Rest assured, I'll post my final version for everyone.


Actually, no. My D is 13!


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## TCSRedhead

I was pregnant at age 18. My parents were religious and had always stated - NO sex before marriage. Period. 

Well, being the rebel, I didn't abstain. I also didn't use birth control effectively. 

I took a very different approach with my daughters. I explained how my choices at that age made other options a lot harder, like college, future marriage, etc.

Then, we kept talking about it over and over and over. I wanted them to talk to me about what was happening with bf's and sex. 

My oldest came to me when she was thinking of becoming sexually active and I took her to get put on the pill. We then talked about using TWO forms of b/c. 

I was clear and direct that I didn't WANT her to have sex but more importantly, I didn't want her to close the door on her future by being irresponsible. 

I'm grateful that she used these properly, has not gotten pregnant, has not had issues with bad decisions and is still in college.


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## hambone

Is your daughter supposed to read those letters when you hand her the pouch? Or later... in the heat of the moment?

I have a D17. I have had extensive talks with her about the nature of teenage boys. You know, I wasn't always 57! 

And the wife and I have talked to her together.

Our daughter is not a rebellious child. She hasn't stopped listening to us. We don't get into power struggles with her. She is intelligent and level headed because we've allowed her to build judgment by making her own decisions. We don't tell our daughter what the proper thing to do is... we've always talked to her about the pros and cons and let her make her decisions. And so far, it has worked.

Worked with our son as well. He's 20 and he still listens. 

This is not the kind of subject you can talk about one time and that be it.


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## Tron

hambone said:


> Is your daughter supposed to read those letters when you hand her the pouch? Or later... in the heat of the moment?


My thinking and my hope is that she will read this when she gets it, return it to the pouch and keep it there for reference or to go back to every so often. A 10 or 20 page dissertation isn't what I had in mind. 




hambone said:


> Our daughter is not a rebellious child. She hasn't stopped listening to us. We don't get into power struggles with her. She is intelligent and level headed because we've allowed her to build judgment by making her own decisions. We don't tell our daughter what the proper thing to do is... we've always talked to her about the pros and cons and let her make her decisions. And so far, it has worked.
> 
> Worked with our son as well. He's 20 and he still listens.
> 
> This is not the kind of subject you can talk about one time and that be it.


D16 has issues. She is very mature and responsible about some things and then not so much about others. She has shown awareness of the issues and she has strong negative feelings about teen pregnancy and having children at all. I am praying that this will be something that she is good about in the future, but, her past behavior, self esteem issues and attitude towards boys leaves me a little concerned.

After further consideration I think you may be right that whatever is written in the letter, it is going to need some consistent follow up.


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## hambone

Tron said:


> My thinking and my hope is that she will read this when she gets it, return it to the pouch and keep it there for reference or to go back to every so often. A 10 or 20 page dissertation isn't what I had in mind.
> 
> 
> D16 has issues. She is very mature and responsible about some things and then not so much about others. She has shown awareness of the issues and she has strong negative feelings about teen pregnancy and having children at all. I am praying that this will be something that she is good about in the future, but, her past behavior, self esteem issues and attitude towards boys leaves me a little concerned.
> 
> After further consideration I think you may be right that whatever is written in the letter, it is going to need some consistent follow up.


My daughter use to flip back and forth between 16 and 6. Now days she acts more like an 18 or 19 YO. She's got her first BF... but, about the time they got serious.... his dad got transferred about 3 states over and he and his family moved.

So, we caught a lucky break. They text and talk on the phone almost constantly. 


Sometime, this kid is more interested in her and other times not so much. I wonder if it's because she isn't as cooperative as he'd like for her to be.

I've talked to her extensively about boys respecting her. How they will lie. How having sex with them will not make them love her. How having sex will not keep them. 

The best way to talk to her is by asking questions..... Try not to just tell her the answers... lead her to the correct answers by asking questions. Things stick better when they think it's there idea. 

She knows the answers because she's seen her friends screw up... as in have sex with boys and the boys drop them... etc.


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## turnera

What we're describing is authoritative parenting.

Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting


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## hambone

turnera said:


> What we're describing is authoritative parenting.
> 
> Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting


I've never seen that but yeah that's pretty much it. 

I would agree except for that last part.

I've never administered discipline.


Thanks for posting...


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## Tron

hambone said:


> The best way to talk to her is by asking questions..... Try not to just tell her the answers... lead her to the correct answers by asking questions. Things stick better when they think it's there idea.


I am actually very good at this, so no problems there.

And thanks for the link turnera. I have heard of authoritative parenting before and read up a little on it. I will spend some more time with it.


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## anja

Honestly, your letter confuses me. So you're saying don't do it but in case you do, here's some stuff. Aren't you inviting her to disregard your opinion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

Tron said:


> Any ideas?


 I feel the idea of writing something to her is a beautiful thing :smthumbup:....can offer inspiring insight.. even in telling some of your own story -do not be afraid to go here... I personally have learned MUCH from my own mothers mistakes to NOT walk her path...

Kids need something to relate to... the struggle of hormones... not a "DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT" approach..... but the WHY's, the love, the rage of rushing into something that one may regret... to understand the intentions of another and realize *the emotional maturity* is not there at these ages. To TAKE TIME....in the meantime...masterbation is their friend !

This is written from my own experiences ... a very ROMANTIC VIEW of sexuality -mixed with the desire to wait for ONE special man......it is up to you to take what you like and overlook the other....though the way I wrote this.....is to be open to my own daughters feelings...but obviously to share my heart in the role of SEX and it's meaning from me & her father... as we have no regrets with our own story...(other than I carried a little repression/ inhibitions into our marriage). 


Then on another coin... I have a book that speaks on the 6 sexual lenses ....it's a fascinating read.... we have 6 children...all of these things will be discussed.. Knowledge is power... I think some of this should be taught in sex education...because ya see... boys & girls are thrown together, hormones & attraction raging...and neither really KNOWS...being blinded by the chemicals of LUST , dopamine & Testosterone...OH BOY! Feeling it is lasting LOVE.....to consider the long haul....SEX can have entirely different expectations.. which is the point of this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...exual-views-have-they-changed-over-years.html 

I hope this gives you some  ideas.. 

We have a 16 yr whose been with his GF for 20 months now...he knows we are hoping he waits till at least 18...it's funny..he told us not long ago...his Gf's mother told her she can do anything she wants after age 17... 

We are very open with our boys with the Sex discussion..... they know they can come to us with anything... protection is the most important ...but we talk about so much more ....because there IS so much more....He too wants to wait....he knows he is too young to go ALL THE WAY...plus we monitor them... but really... if they wanted, no one could stop them... so it's so much more than just KEEPING them away...even a walk on a back trail alone could = a pregnancy.


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## Tron

Anja, I honestly want her to wait. She isn't ready for the emotional side of sex at all. She has a lot of respect for me and values my opinion, but she can also be very defiant so "don't do this, don't do that" isn't always the best approach with her. She argues a lot, so the "why" is going to have to be just as important as the "what". I don't think doing this is an open invitation for her to have sex, this is a message that if you are going to do it, be responsible and don't get pregnant.

SA - I will read those links. It seems I am not the only one that had these thoughts. I had actually been considering that personal thoughts about my own story would be important to share. We have already talked about this briefly once before. I will go into a little more detail in the letter.

Plan is to have it done by the end of the holiday weekend.


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## Tron

As promised, here is the final version of the letter that I presented to my dear daughter a month or two ago. She is still trying to keep me away from talking to her new boyfriend...or his parents. I don't like secrecy, but I am not pushing things with her at the moment and will be as supportive and keep trying to get her to open up. Our relationship is pretty good right now, so I feel positive about it. 

Back in Septemeber, she lied to mom and I once about where she was, but we caught her red handed and dealt with it firmly, with disapproval, understanding and some consequences. 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your contribution. And Simply Amorous, I copied and cleaned up your old post to your daughter and handed her a full copy of that too.

So here is the text:


_Dear DD,

Mom and I prepared this package for you and I hope that you will read this with an open mind, and remember that everything said in this letter is with the utmost love and concern for your feelings, your well being and your safety.

By now, you have heard from friends, relatives, TV, teachers, big-mouths and know-it-alls at school, and especially boys about all the myths, jokes, facts, fantasies and horror stories about sex. I am sure that they go from how beautiful and wonderful and empowering it can be to how it will lead to eternal damnation if you even think about it. Please keep in mind that these people don't know you like your mom and I do. And, they don't know you like YOU do. 

You probably think that I am overprotective, that I will be angry or try to keep you locked up until you are 30 or I am dead. I assure you that am not going to be one of those dads who is going to meet all of your dates at the door with a shotgun. But, what I don’t want you to think, is that I am going to passively sit and watch you make decisions with serious consequences lightly without telling you what I think. I won't be permissive that way and it is just not my nature. 

We have talked briefly before about how old I was when I had my first sexual experience. What we did not talk about that I want you to know is that in retrospect, I clearly was not “ready” for it when it happened. The relationship I had with my girlfriend at the time got too serious, too fast and I became too attached. I can say without prevarication that this was directly related to sex. It had an emotional impact on me that I was not prepared for and when the relationship ended, the toll it took on me and the way I looked at relationships afterwards took me roughly 20 years to move past…essentially half of my life! It had a negative impact on all of my subsequent relationships, including the one with your mother. I don’t want this to happen to you, so please don’t ever minimize what you think it means or what might happen as a result. 

Now, the birth control options in this package are in no way a "green light" from your mom or I to act promiscuously or to act irresponsibly. They are a way to give you protection, because if you feel you must, as all humans do, you will find temptation of that sort EXTREMELY hard to resist, and I want you to know that we are providing you with all the protection that is possible. Even with these things, please be reminded that no protection is 100% percent effective; sometimes these things fail. The only 100% effective birth control is abstinence and I hope you choose that path. And now, I hope you understand why. But again, please be reminded that mom and I are giving you this package in the hopes that you will make mature and responsible decisions with this.

I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be here for you, and I hope that you will talk of things such as sex, boys, etc. freely with me or your mom. I promise not to "freak out" on you, threaten you with eternal grounding and I won’t ship you off to a convent if you ask me about sex. I promise you I won’t be shocked and will talk to you like the decent person that you are. I will answer your questions as best I can and not condemn or shame you. There is so much more I want to tell you and to discuss with you, but I think my arm would fall off if I tried to write it all down on paper. 

With all that said, I really would like to TALK with you about this, and remember...

...I'm ALWAYS here for you, I love you and I am proud that you are my daughter."

Love, Dad_


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## diwali123

That is great! 
I think I'm going to tell my daughter that until she is ready to be a mother two forms of bc are best. (I did that myself and didn't get pregnant until I was 33.)
I would also tell her it's not just the burden of motherhood, it's the fact that you are then tied to your bf for at least 18 years. Every relationship you are, he will be there as your baby's father. There's no breaking up from that.


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## Tron

Diwali,
We had at least 5 or 6 different kinds of BC in the package and pray she uses them in multiples.


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## diwali123

Tron said:


> Diwali,
> We had at least 5 or 6 different kinds of BC in the package and pray she uses them in multiples.


Don't pray, tell! Seriously they don't get how much user error happens.


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## turnera

So, she's on the pill now?


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## Tron

turnera said:


> So, she's on the pill now?


No.


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## turnera

Um...why? The only other BC I know about is condoms and next day pill, and the former is VERY unlikely to be used by young teenagers in the heat of the moment (lots of girls are afraid to demand he use one) and the latter is likely to make her feel bad for taking direct action. At least with the pill, you have a 75% chance she'll be ok.


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## Tron

We do not want to load her up with hormones until we have to and the pill won't do anything to prevent STD's.

I am confident that she will not take chances. Not only has she been here to help raise S4, her school had a health assignment where they made all the students take care of those computerized babies for 1 or 2 weeks, included feeding, changing, holding, rocking etc. She knows what it means to get pregnant and care for a baby. She has big plans for the future that don't include kids.

Bearing in mind what you recommended Turnera, I asked her straight out last night whether she was having sex with her BF. She was a little wary and did not answer at first. With a little reassurance from mom and I, she slowly opened up and said not having sex, but... We calmly told her thank you for sharing and that if things changed please let us know so that we can make additional arrangements. 

So far so good.


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## OhGeesh

Write whatever you want  the problem is once you take religion out of the sex the question becomes: "Why not have it?" I guess you could argue emotional maturity and there is always a risk, but as you said "You had sex", "Your wife", most people are that's just the way it is.

Sex is fun!! It's fun at 16, 18, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 50, 60, 70 get my drift? I think woman have really embraced this in recent years. Teen pregnancy is way down and sexual partners are way up (18-22)!

While I would love to have the "Wait until married daughter" I know my oldest was sexually active at 16 with intercourse at 17 and we were a open book much like you guys seem to be. We have more daughters coming up and like you my biggest fear is PREGNANCY and secondly STD's.

I had sex at 15 my wife was 15 there is no reason to really believe my daughters and son won't be doing the same before 18 and I hope not 15 

Best of luck!! Talk candidly about the risks and hopefully she makes good decisions in using protection! Love, love, love, and imo KEEP THEM BUSY A BUSY SUPER INVOLVED TEEN DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO GET IN TROUBLE NEARLY AS MUCH!! Idle time equals a wandering mind!


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## Anon Pink

My strong suggestion is to put her on the pill AND giver her AND her boyfriend condoms! Then lecture both about STDs over and over and over and over!

Educate yourself fully then educate them.

https://www.beforeplay.org/stds/


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## Anon Pink

Yes, I gave my daughter's BF condoms then the lecture. My daughter was horrified, but too damn bad! Once they walk out the door, they are on their own and sexual negotiation, getting a reluctant BF to wear a condom, it nearly impossible for girls and very very hard for women!


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## diwali123

Tron said:


> We do not want to load her up with hormones until we have to and the pill won't do anything to prevent STD's.
> 
> I am confident that she will not take chances. Not only has she been here to help raise S4, her school had a health assignment where they made all the students take care of those computerized babies for 1 or 2 weeks, included feeding, changing, holding, rocking etc. She knows what it means to get pregnant and care for a baby. She has big plans for the future that don't include kids.
> 
> Bearing in mind what you recommended Turnera, I asked her straight out last night whether she was having sex with her BF. She was a little wary and did not answer at first. With a little reassurance from mom and I, she slowly opened up and said not having sex, but... We calmly told her thank you for sharing and that if things changed please let us know so that we can make additional arrangements.
> 
> So far so good.


But.......I hope she knows that girls get pregnant without actual intercourse if they aren't careful with the semen.


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## aeasty

you could always mortify her and tell her about your sex life back in the day or even with her mum not in graphic details but just the whole we would swing from the chandler for days at a time, or stick with the approach your currently looking at going down and just try and tell her to hold off until she has met her special someone (don't do the whole religious thing nothing is less "cool" then that at 16) and try and warn her in a warm way that guys can be real jerks and will always try and get with her just to say they have to the boys and kick her out in the morning once they are finished.


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## Marriedand40

I think everyone will agree that abstinence isn't natural and to expect it is unrealistic. Nowadays sex is everywhere on billboards, music, television etc. Sex sells and as a teenager it is a part of life for many.

I was the nerd in high school and I didn't get laid until 20. I had no confidence and was very shy. I wish I could turn back time because now I am very confident and outgoing. I was always jealous of the guys with girlfriends and although girls were interested, I was too shy.

I won't be the same with my boys. I will teach them how to talk and treat a lady with respect. I don't want them feeling awkward and I want them to start dating at 16 or so. Kissing, hugging, etc is a natural and healthy act. We are all happier when intimacy is a part of life.

I have boys but I plan on keeping them in activities so dating isn't #1 priority.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Pills are not the greatest to be on. Some do not prevent "pregnancy" per se but prevent instead implantation. So the body goes through the hormone surge and initial physical reaction to pregnancy, which can be immediate for some. It puts the body on a roller coaster which is exhausting and healthy young women aren't made for repeated failed pregnancies, the body wants to have successful ones and will do its best. The hormones are brutal. My doctor told me this when I was younger. I didn't use BC pills, well, back then we had the sponge, lol. But as an adult I used condoms. The thing with condoms if you have to think about them and discuss them and stop to put them on. If you can't do this with someone then you shouldn't be having sex with them. With the pill, it gives the freedom to just allow stuff to happen, no talk really needed. There is a different personal dynamic. Also, the guy usually has to dispose of the condom, so he has to physically acknowledge the potential of pregnancy, it's right there in his hand for him to look at. Any failure is shared, not to be pinned on the woman, such as well she must have forgot to take her pill, or lied to me.

Condoms also prevent std's and you can get them easily.
They don't cause clots or weight gain or acne...

I think because they have a slightly higher failure rate, they do tend to improve the quality of sex partners. If someone doesn't care enough to use a condom, they shouldn't be having sex with your daughter. And she should have enough self-respect and self-esteem to understand this. As for girls having a difficult time getting boys to use condoms, you have not met my daughter. She has no problem standing up to anyone so far, I really doubt she is going to change as a young adult.


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## MaBi123

Tron said:


> OK. So my oldest D has turned 16 recently. Her school has been very good about sex ed, parenting, birth control, etc. and my W has had the "talk" with her. D16 has been very responsible about these sorts of things in the past.
> 
> D16 does not have a boyfriend right now, but that does not necessarily mean we aren't thinking ahead about sex. Both W and I had our first sexual encounters at 16 and grudgingly acknowledge that sex may be on the horizon for our D.
> 
> My W recently bought a pouch/bag for D and filled it with all manner of birth control options. The plan is to give it to her with the caveat that we won't be checking it but want her to have what she needs when she needs it. Teen pregnancy is NOT something we want to deal with.
> 
> Both the W and I want to write our own letter/message in the pouch for our D. So, the purpose of the post is to get feedback from the forum about what I should write down in mine. The W has written some scripture with religious undertones. I normally have plenty of things to say, but i am a bit stumped here for some reason. I don't want to appear too old fashioned. I am more interested in a practical message that conveys my opinion that sex is a big step, it involves serious feelings that are better dealt with as an adult and my general opinion that I don't feel she is ready for it yet. I wasn't ready at 16, became overly attached and it had lasting negative impact for me when things fell apart with my high school GF. I see the potential for these same issues with D16.
> 
> Any ideas?


I love this idea. My parents are very conservative and screamed at me for taking birth control when I was 20 years old. I wish my parents had been more open and honest about sex.

If I had a daughter, one thing I would tell her is that men will say or do anything to get you to have sex. They will put tremendous amounts of pressure on you until they get their way. I have literally heard men say, "I just annoyed her about it until she gave it up to me." 

If you really like a guy and you feel you're ready, there is nothing "wrong" with safe sex. And you aren't a "sl*t" for having sex or feeling horny. 

Another thing I would say is that men will also lie about being tested for STDs. Men cannot be tested for HPV unless they have active warts, so men can never know for sure that they are "clean." And unfortunately, STDs like warts and herpes spread even with condom use. You say she has a good sex ed program so she probably already heard that, but it's good to remind her.

Has your daughter had the gardisil vaccine? The one for HPV? She is the right age to get it.

Finally, I would say never, ever, ever send a naked pic of yourself to a guy or let him take them. I had to deal with someone who betrayed my trust with that, and it was awful. Unless you're married, don't do it (and even then watch out).


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## SimplyAmorous

> * Marriedand40 said*: I think everyone will agree that abstinence isn't natural and to expect it is unrealistic. Nowadays sex is everywhere on billboards, music, television etc. Sex sells and as a teenager it is a part of life for many.


 It really pains me to read stuff like this.. (oh it's not that I disagree -but if you speak against it, Oh heavens, you are just a kill Joy!)....the more people talk like this the more pressure we put on our kids to DO IT ....DO IT...DO it Honey, empower yourself... ride as many ____ as you can find...

My husband didn't stick it in till we married.. we still had fun.. .we weren't total unnatural weird-os... I never needed birth control... I read a lot as a teen, I had no desire for all that stuff messing with my hormones ....and sex meant "forever" to me.. I was not going to fvck that up with just anyone. 

It seems today anyone who doesn't put their daughter on Birth control at age 15 is looked upon as irresponsible parents..... I guess we all speak out of our own experiences... 

Just because someone believes in taking it slow and not jumping into bed in their high school years/ even College ... doesn't make us unnatural.... it does however -speak to our personal values and self control...and looking to one's future...(even with a normal sex drive)... understanding what sex means to them personally.... 

So far, our sons are just like their Father, he respected the girls who believed in waiting for Love, something lasting who aren't jumping from relationship to relationship...going all the way..... 

It just seems today... with the posts I read on this forum over & over & over...the only ones who aren't doing it - are the ones who CAN'T get Laid... so if anyone chooses to NOT get laid , waiting for something that has "forever" written on it.... when it is freely available everywhere we turn..... they are just looked upon as ...well... Crazy! ....but we're not ! 

The result of all of this >>










If parents really want to educate themselves... in more than just worries of pregnancy & STD's...a book such as this could be give some valuable insight... to how Sex affects our young people's minds, emotions (before maturity) ..it's not all roses, fun and pleasure...there is another price to our casual sexed up society...

Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children: Books

But let me be fair... on the opposite extreme - we have books like this (and plenty out there)...that will encourage as much casual sex as possible..The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women: Books...the author is hailed as the "poster girl for third-wave feminism"

... I guess as parents, we are geared a certain way to educate our children for their futures..what we feel is best...we have 18 yrs to teach them, mentor them, inspire them to make right choices... 

From reading the reviews on the 2nd book... it appears a complete bash fest to anyone who holds a more conservative type view of sexuality...so I would not find this book balanced in it's approach to cover a variety of young people with different outlooks, beliefs, or those who hold a more "Romantic view" of sexuality.


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## RandomDude

When my daughter comes of age, I'll be wearing this on all my shirts:


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## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> When my daughter comes of age, I'll be wearing this on all my shirts:


And many will think you are a overbearing A-hole trying to control your daughter -how dare you Father Random.... of course the boy who has GOOD intentions will LIKE YOU, *understanding you have HER best interests at *...as any good father would...and find ways to win* you* over...knowing this will only come with TIME....

I like the shirt !


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## unbelievable

Marriedand40 said:


> I think everyone will agree that abstinence isn't natural and to expect it is unrealistic. Nowadays sex is everywhere on billboards, music, television etc. Sex sells and as a teenager it is a part of life for many.
> 
> I was the nerd in high school and I didn't get laid until 20. I had no confidence and was very shy. I wish I could turn back time because now I am very confident and outgoing. I was always jealous of the guys with girlfriends and although girls were interested, I was too shy.
> 
> I won't be the same with my boys. I will teach them how to talk and treat a lady with respect. I don't want them feeling awkward and I want them to start dating at 16 or so. Kissing, hugging, etc is a natural and healthy act. We are all happier when intimacy is a part of life.
> 
> I have boys but I plan on keeping them in activities so dating isn't #1 priority.


Normal is overrated. Normal, these days, looks like 2nd or 3d marriage, living one paycheck away from a vagrancy charge, with disrespectful kids sponging off you until they're in their 30s. I want my kids to be real oddballs, for them to study hard and get great grades, to graduate college without having an abortion or a baby, to get degrees that will land them great jobs, to have one marriage for life, to not go through life under a mountain of debt.
My primary talk with my daughters about boys and sex was that all boys want it, 99.99% aren't worth it, and that they should never find themselves in a position of having to depend on a guy for financial support. Above all, don't latch onto a turd because I will have to kill him and it'll be your fault.


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