# What's a "good dad"?



## credamdóchasgra

We don't have kids (yet), and I have an idea of what kind of mom I'll be... 
But I do wonder how my H will be as a dad. He says he's "scared" but he knows he wants kids.
I've tried to discuss ideas about parenting with him but he says it's not something he can talk about before it's realistic, ie before we have kids!
He's more inclined to figure it out as we go, but I'd like to talk about our views on how to parent, before we're "stuck."
I know we'll agree on the big things, like religion and education.
But there's so....much.....more....
In your experiences as parents, what makes someone a good father?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gregj123

aLWAYS BE THERE FOR THE KIDS LOVE THEM HELP YOU WITH THE DIAPERS,CARETAKING,ALAWAYS HUG THEM JUST BE THERE & ALWAYS SHOW LOVE TO YOU & THE KIDS ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT!


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

Well, you don't really know what kind of parent you'll be until it happens. You have an idea of the kind of parent you *want* to be, but until you actually have a child, you don't know what you will *actually* do. 

At the same time, though, you do need to have some discussions. He needs to be open to discussing things at least in theory to make sure you're somewhat on the same page. 

As for what makes someone a good parent, it varies from person to person. There are the basics, such as providing a good home, food, clothing, etc. for the child, not abusing them, loving them. But beyond that, it depends on each couple. One couple might think a good dad is one who plays baseball with his kids every weekend in the backyard, while another might define a good dad as one who lives in the same house as his kids. 

Mostly it depends on how you were raised, what you saw in your own parents, and what you did and didn't like about them. 

There are a lot of things you have to figure out as you go - you can't account for every possible thing that could happen. I never imagined, before having kids, that I would one day say "No, you can't weedwhack the dog" or "Get your head out of your pants." But...I have. So, he's kind of right in that attitude - you do have to be able to kind of wing it to a degree. 

But you are also right in that you do need to have some discussions and figure some things out, like how you feel about cosleeping, pottytraining, who will help with homework, how to handle discipline, things like that.


----------



## jackskellington

A good dad is, among others, 

*A protector*. His children know they are safe.
*A provider*. His children do not go hungry, and have the things they need.
*A good example*. His children do the right thing, because he does.
*Available*. A good Dad is around his kids!
*Approachable*. Children are not afraid of a good Dad.
*Appreciative*. They'll try their hardest to please you! 
*A good listener*.He Always listens to his kids, and laughs at the same old corny jokes.
*Fair*. Never plays favorites.
*Firm*. Doesn't back down on punishment, or give in to something unreasonable. Teaches your kids integrity!
*Unselfish*. Good dad will give up things he wants, so his kids have things they need.
*Cool headed*. Doesn't blow his top when little surprises hit.

And most of all,

*Undaunted*. A good dad will go through hell and back for his children.


----------



## Blanca

adopt a puppy or a rescue dog and see how he handles it. then you'll know. my H and I adopted a rescue three years ago and have since learned a lot about our parenting styles. dont wait until you have kids to start learning.


----------



## MayfairJaz

I find the post above about a dog quite amusing, how you "look after" a pet has nothing to do with parenting skills, 
The love you feel for a child cannot be compared to how you interact with a pet. 

You give your heart and soul to your children you teach them, you nurture them, you help them with their homework and you comfort them when needed. 

Nothing you believe you will be like actually prepares you for being a parent. 

jackskellington - hit the nail on the head - you will go through hell and back for your children period!


----------



## major misfit

It's really good that you're wanting to talk about this before you have kids. Awesome! And while you do have to wing some of it, you need to be on the same page on the basics. Discipline is usually where a lot of parents disagree. Dads tend to be "firmer", while mom is more lenient. That's not always the case, of course. 
Sit him down and get him to talking!

And...LOL at "get your head out of your pants"


----------



## Heathy

I don't think the puppy idea is so far-fetched. When you get a new puppy you learn that it really is a 'baby' dog and it takes work to get a well-behaved dog that won't use the bathroom in the house or chew up your stuff. Of course it's different than a human child, but you do raise the puppy. And the type of dog you get depends on how you raise it. When my boyfriend and I got a puppy together we decided how we wanted to potty-train her, what rules we wanted to enforce, and what tricks to teach her. Of course, I'm sure its no where near as challenging as raising a child but I do think it can give you at least a glimmer of an idea of what kind of parent both of you would be. Me and my boyfriend even refer to our dog as our daughter, maybe if you get a puppy and see the puppy more as a four-legged member of the family instead of a pet then it'll get you guys in the right mind-set.


----------



## Blanca

MayfairJaz said:


> I find the post above about a dog quite amusing, how you "look after" a pet has nothing to do with parenting skills,
> The love you feel for a child cannot be compared to how you interact with a pet.


I guess that depends, but I gather you do not look after your pet much. If one adopts a dog just to have something cute around, then no, that obviously wouldn't work. But then some people have kids for the same reason and dont realize that 'love' isnt enough.


----------



## lime

I always think of my dad as the best dad! Lol!

Here are some things he did:
-Smiled, laughed, played, joked around with me a lot
-Taught me things, like how to tie my shoes, how to read, how to set up a bank account
-Took me to work with him and let me do crafts with his office supplies
-Enforced clear rules

Here are things he didn't ever do:
-Lose his temper with me. He NEVER did this--not once. Never yelled at me, never yelled at my mother (at least within earshot of me lol). Never hit me, or made empty threats in a fit of anger.
-Ignore me


Many people do think that a good dad is a solid provider and "rock" for the family. Mine is talented and great at his job, supports the family, etc. but honestly I didn't care one bit about those things when I was little. I didn't care that he went to work to make money; I cared that he came home and played board games with me. I didn't care that he did "manly" stuff like take care of the cars; I cared that he took me with him through the car wash. 

I also didn't care about how much he earned, how much of a "man" he was, etc. because I was a freakin little kid lol--I didn't understand those things. What makes a good dad in the opinion of the WIFE, however, does include those things. But I think it's up to the kids to judge whether or not their parents are good parents, and it's up to the spouses to judge whether their husbands/wives are good spouses.

Being a good dad isn't a daunting task at all--it just requires patience, love, and positive energy!


----------



## F-102

The fact that he's "scared" is a good sign. It's like our jumpmasters in the 82nd Airborne yelled at us over the roar of the plane's engines when the doors were open and there was no turning back: "If you ain't scared, you don't have a clue as to what's going on!"


----------



## remmons

There are so many things that I want to say here, but I will keep my answer simple.

jackskellington and lime hit the nail square on the head here, I couldn't have put it any better than this.

You never know what kind of a parent that you are going to be. This is a learned process that keeps evolving as your child(ren) grow. Your parenting skills will work great on one kid, but may be entirely different for the next. They are individuals, so your techniques vary accordingly. You may have a baseline plan, but you will have variances. This holds especially true on blended families, such as mine.

Continue to have talks with your husband. If he isn't ready, then you may want to hold off until the time is right. It is better to figure out the rights and wrongs before you have kids, because once you have them, there are no returns or refunds.


----------



## jimrich

A good dad is someone who is 100% honest with his wife and wide open to his children's ideas, interests, concerns, desires, questions, fears, feelings, and just about everything else. He's a guy who disciplines in a sane and reasonable way to achieve education and help for his kids - not FEAR AND INTIMIDATION! He is an honest, sincere, humble, humorous, LOVING, industrious person to mention just a few traits and mostly FAIR AND APPROACHABLE on any and all issues/interests. He has an OPEN MIND and a BIG HEART. He treats his family well ALL THE TIME and does not stoop to mind games to boost his own ego. He is lovable and loving, playful but not a tease, NEVER JEALOUS OR VINDICTIVE which is all about bad self esteem/worth. I guess I could go on for several pages describing a dad that is the total opposite of mine!


----------



## incognitoman

I always just wanted to be better than my dad, who was pretty awesome.


----------



## Halien

I'd urge you to ask your husband to rethink his belief that he'll just figure it out as he goes. We would never consider taking on learning to drive like that (just figure it out as you go), and this is incredibly serious.

I think that the number one thing that I tried to bring to fatherhood, outside of challenging myself to love them regardless of what they do, is bringing a sense of purpose to it. What are your goals? Is our parenting balanced? How will we make sure that they have everything they need to choose their own path in life?

You can discuss discipline, things like your philosophy of what to do if they get into serious trouble, or what if they don't succeed in starting a career. At first, my wife wanted them out the door by 22. I believe that our home should always be a safe haven, given certain assumptions. We settled these things long before having kids.

Since my wife is very serious and sometimes critical, I tend to be the one who makes them laugh. Things like the "Evil Knieval Windup toy meets death while jumping the trash can in flames'. And, I try to show them the wonders of life. I built custom puppet theaters, hand-made telescopes from lens kits, built a small engine after tearing it apart to teach the concept, taught them to build computers, or even how to make their bicycle motorized (and break an arm). My daughter's story, "My Dad, My Hero" won a $500 contest at her college. She fell as a twelve year old girl while we were hiking up a mountain, and was clinging to a tree over a massive drop. I saved her with my belt and cut myself bad enough to need stiches. The whole thread makes me nostagic. A father will walk through fire for his kids.


----------



## bunnybear

Supportive, Unconditional love, Helps mom do the same chores at home, Funny, Laid Back, Loves to eat, Loves my cooking, Outgoing,etc..


----------



## unbelievable

Does he put your needs before his own? If not, he'll be a lousy Dad cause there is no room for selfishness in the equation. If he's doing it right, his needs will come dead last almost all the time and he won't mind. What were his parents like? That's where he learned 95% of what he thinks he knows about the role of being a father. Is he patient? Selfless? Active? (the job requires a pretty high level of energy, long hours, often little sleep). Capable bread-winner and money manager? Little sprouts cost more than you might realize. Is he a "good" man? Strong character? Someone you'd like your son or daughter to emulate? Is he fun? A sense of humor will help flatten a bunch of hills. I was single one day and married a woman with a 3 year old son. Went from single to Dad in about 10 minutes. I think I was 22. I didn't know diddley about being Dad but I knew I loved my son and that he needed me. The rest, we figured out. I've fathered two more since and now I have grandkids. Being Dad has been the most fun and most rewarding role I've ever filled. There is absolutely nothing like being bum-rushed by your excited kids when you come home from work.


----------



## remmons

Every time that I see a new post I want to respond, but decided that it wasn't needed. But now I feel compelled to do so.

In the beginning, I wasn't a great dad. I had no great up bringing. My dad was the strong, silent type. He had a good upbringing from great parents (my grand parents were the best)! He had degrees from college. But he served in the Korean war. He was never the same since. We lived on a ranch 40 miles from town. He was a loner, he never was one to talk much. My parents divorced when I was going on 13.

When I became a dad, I was totally clueless with what needed to be done, I had the basic concepts. I did the best that I could. After some time, my (ex) W and I had different views and ideas on how to raise our kids. I was the best dad that I could be, given what I had to work with. There were times where I had failed. I took these experiences and used them to learn from and grow from them.

Back in October of 2005, I married a woman who had five kids, 4 girls and 1 boy, ages 2-11. I took in her five as though they were my own. For five years, I was told that I was the best dad ever. I still had my flaws, but life is an on-going learning experience. Upon my divorce, I lost the role of being a dad to them. Many of her family and our friends still consider me to be the best dad that those kids have ever had. They still think of me as their dad. There were times where I was in the middle of mowing the lawn, repairing the vehicle, or cutting firewood, and they would come up to me with their bikes with a falt tire or a slipped chain. I would stop what I was doing and fix their bikes. I even went the extra step and checked out the rest of their bike, bearings lubed, fasteners tightened, tire pressures checked. These times weren't just limited to fixing bikes either.

Back to my own children. My oldest daughter had started smoking at the ripe old age of twelve (she lived with her mother so she was allowed to do what ever that she wanted). I had asked her to quit many times, but she refused, she rebelled against me. It had gotten to the point where we were yelling at each other, then our relationship went south. We never talked much in the last ten years. Just with in the last year we had began talking again. We had appologized to each other. We had forgiven each other We had repaired our relationship. I have my "daddy's little girl" back. In her own way, she told me that she should have listened to me. I told her that I should have chosen a different way of communicating with her.

There is a little talk that I had prepared for my church recently called "missed opportunities." I might have to share this here sometime. I think that it fits right in here with this topic of "What's a Good Dad."

I am far from being perfect, but I strive to be a better person each and every day. Life is one big training field. With lots of practice, we can become better parents.


----------

