# I'm a mess but want to keep my family together



## Nov18/2010

Hello.
My wife had an affair 3 years ago. When it came to light, my initial reaction was to leave of course but agreed to go to therapy to try and save the marriage. We have since stayed together and even had another baby (yes I'm sure she's mine!!!) but I'm still having a really hard time dealing with it. I have ups and downs that are a huge source of anxiety and I'm affraid I will never get over this.

She realizes it was a huge mistake and feels horrible and embarassed about what she did. She is willing to talk about it but prefers to talk about the future rather than dwell in the past. 

I can tell that she's trying to be a great wife but I've completely lost my self-confidence which makes it very hard for me to accept that she's here and we will work this out.

I have no interest in divorce right now cause I can see she loves me and I know I love her. Is anybody else been through this and stayed together?


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## Tron

Nov,

Have you spent any time in IC or MC?

I suggest you spend a little time in the Reconciliation thread on the Coping With Infidelity board. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

I am currently 10 years into my R and 10 yrs past DDay, BTW. My infidelity was 20 yrs ago. We are still here working on our M and still reconciling.


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## nogutsnoglory

Nov18/2010 said:


> Hello.
> My wife had an affair 3 years ago. When it came to light, my initial reaction was to leave of course but agreed to go to therapy to try and save the marriage. We have since stayed together and even had another baby (yes I'm sure she's mine!!!) but I'm still having a really hard time dealing with it. I have ups and downs that are a huge source of anxiety and I'm affraid I will never get over this.
> 
> She realizes it was a huge mistake and feels horrible and embarassed about what she did. *She is willing to talk about it but prefers to talk about the future rather than dwell in the past. *
> 
> I can tell that she's trying to be a great wife but I've completely lost my self-confidence which makes it very hard for me to accept that she's here and we will work this out.
> 
> I have no interest in divorce right now cause I can see she loves me and I know I love her. Is anybody else been through this and stayed together?


another man sleeping with her is her past, it will remain your present mentally, possibly forever. The future she would "prefer" to talk about is tainted and some will say it is ruined.
She nor you can expect to move on from this until you are ready to be strong enough to end the marriage. I am not saying you should end it, I am saying you should be strong enough mentally to walk away from her. This means self confidence. You should be doing whatever you need to do to obtain it. Work out, lose weight, get better at sex. Your self esteem is attached to how she treats you and that is on you to fix, with or with out her. 
Too often people are trying to R because the BS is too weak to leave and stand on their own 2 feet. They say it is for many other reasons, but time proves otherwise. 
I do not know the details of the affair, but there are certain mind movies that people cannot ever get over and this is not your fault. Do you see yourself as a better lover than her AP, I ask because how are you supposed to feel realistically if you feel she preferred him sexually over you. 
I have never seen the point of R. Your W may be one of the rare that never do it again, but I am a gambler and prefer a solid bet when I make one. Your W has proven herself to be a bad bet. 
I wish you the best of luck, but you are really looking for an answer IMO that does not exist.
Only answer is to work on you, so her actions do not dictate your happiness in this life.


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## ecotime47

I know how difficult it is to get past an affair. I want to commend you for working so hard to save your marriage. So many times you hear about people ending the marriage right away and regretting it later.

There is a really good series of articles on forgiveness and restoration in marriage from Focus on the Family - http://bit.ly/1bm5abm. It might help you to read through some of those. They also recommend some fantastic books like "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. Hope that helps. Good luck to you guys!


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