# I think my wife has and is having an affair



## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Hi,

This is going to be a very long post but I need to get it out there. I have been married 17 years abs have 3 children with my wife. The last year has been somewhat rocky and we have had very little sex. It started to pick up a few months ago and I thought we were getting back in track but it seems I was wrong. Last week I got a Facebook message from someone who said my wife slept with their husband. I didn’t want to believe it but asked some questions and it seems they were friends 20 years ago and about 3 years ago they meet for lunch a few times and it turned into some fooling around and then meeting just too hook up and the last time sex. He ended the relationship then and I was told my wife was upset with this. I wanted to approach my wife but decided to see if I could find any proof. They only communicated through Facebook messenger and deleted everything. I was able to find search history and found about the time of this alleged affair that she searched in how to hid Facebook messages.

While looking at old search history I noticed in the last few months she had seached on hotels near her work (which is 10 min from our house) and then rooms by the hour near me. This got me concerned that something was still going on. I decided to look up her call history (I never thought to do this in 17 years) and found over the last 4 months she has been calling another guy 5-10 times a day.

She would call him first thing when she got in the car most mornings and almost every night before bed. She goes to be earlier then me and she has trouble staying asleep. She would ask me to give her 30 min to fall asleep because I fall asleep pretty quickly and may snore. But it seems she would call him during this time. There are also a lot of calls after midnight when I was in bed. Mostly her calling him but some when he would call. She also spoke to him daily while we were on a family vacation and one time calling him 3 times at 1:30AM. 

Along with the search history and calls she had searched his birthday zodiac and then compatibility with her sign and his.

After finding all this information I confronted her about it. To start on the first relationship she said they meet for lunch a few time years ago but we’re just older friends and he was crazy. And his wife was always jealous of her and she doesn’t want me to message with her. She only asked for an overview of what she told me and not the details which I found strange.

On the newest relationship she said there were just friends. My wife’s father past away about 10 months ago and she has said I wasn’t there for her emotionally and that they talk and have become good friends because it didn’t seem like I cared. She meet him at restaurant she goes to every week, he is a bartender there. She had actually talked to me about him last year before they started talking. When I asked about the searches for hotels and pay by the hour her story was she was looking for somewhere to get some alone time because of her father. Then she changed it to it was a joke when she looked it up. She denies the zodiac searches even though I have seen them. I also noticed searches the day the women from the old relationship reached out (she reached out to my wife first and my wife ignored) asking if Android devices could do secret messages. And this bartender has an android. Also she deletes all messages they have right away. When I asked to show me there conversations she told me that. She doesn’t delete any texts from me or anyone else just him.

I don’t believe her and don’t know how anyone could. As I said we have 3 kids and I don’t want to leave my wife and would love to think it is just a friendship but the circumstantial evidence seems overwhelming. It doesn’t seem like she will admit it if it is true.

I have no one to talk to about this because my friends are her friends husbands. And I don’t want this to get around because of embarrassment and also because what if I want to work it out.

Any thoughts or advice would be great.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Assuming she is lying (which she is, the lie about her renting a room for an hour so she could be alone was laughable), do you still want to stay with a woman who has cheated with at least two men and blatantly lied and deceived you all this time?


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Even though you have confronted your wife you are in the fact finding stage. Since you have confronted her she will take the affair underground making it harder to catch her. To find out what's going on you will need to either hire a PI or do the work yourself. You can purchase voice activated recorders and hide them in her car or in your home where you think she is calling the other man. You can also hide a GPS sensor on her car so you know where she is or went. Be patient as the fact finding process takes time but you will get your answers. Avoid bring affair(s) up to her or talking about them. Let her think you believe her story. I would also avoid sex with her. If she is as active with other partners she could pass a STD to you.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Assuming she is lying (which she is, the lie about her renting a room for an hour so she could be alone was laughable), do you still want to stay with a woman who has cheated with at least two men and blatantly lied and deceived you all this time?


I honestly don’t know. It’s been 4 days so I can’t wrap my head around it. If she would admit to it I would at least be able to process it but the fact that she won’t makes me think no. I have been barely sleeping or eating and she keeps asking am I ok. I am trying to put in a brave face for everyone but it is killing me. And she thinks I need to get over it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

DLN said:


> I honestly don’t know. It’s been 4 days so I can’t wrap my head around it. If she would admit to it I would at least be able to process it but the fact that she won’t makes me think no. I have been barely sleeping or eating and she keeps asking am I ok. I am trying to put in a brave face for everyone but it is killing me. And she thinks I need to get over it.


Look up the “180” 
And do it.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Willnotbill said:


> Even though you have confronted your wife you are in the fact finding stage. Since you have confronted her she will take the affair underground making it harder to catch her. To find out what's going on you will need to either hire a PI or do the work yourself. You can purchase voice activated recorders and hide them in her car or in your home where you think she is calling the other man. You can also hide a GPS sensor on her car so you know where she is or went. Be patient as the fact finding process takes time but you will get your answers. Avoid bring affair(s) up to her or talking about them. Let her think you believe her story. I would also avoid sex with her. If she is as active with other partners she could pass a STD to you.


Yeah, I thought of that this morning. That I maybe should have waited for more evidence but I thought what I had was enough. I don’t think she will call him with her phone because she knows o am monitoring it. But I can’t stop her messaging him because I can’t see it and she can delete even if I was to check later. We use life 360 as a family but we both have ours off. I may tell her it has to be on for us to get through this. I can’t see her leaving her phone somewhere and going to see him. She has it with her everywhere she goes.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dawg, before you confront any more, you need to study some stuff on interviews and interrogation. Of course she trying to snooker you. You blindsided her, --- which ain't that bad if you have the proper followup after she's had a chance to stew in her juices a couple of days. You need to be super mysterious the next couple of days with an air of "I know way more than I revealed". If she brings it up, tell her youre postponing any more discussions at the moment but will get back with her in a couple of days to discuss what you've already talk about plus, "a couple of other things that's come up" If she presses you, tell her you're simple not prepared to discuss it now but her honesty is critical.
Is there any chance of you getting any more information from this cats wife?

Another question DLN. How far are you willing to go if you find out, beyond a shadow of doubt, that she been banging this guy?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ask her if you have nothing to hide and you are telling me the truth, because right now I do not believe but for the sake of my trust this marriage will you be willing to take a polygraph....then watch her body and eye movements.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's pretty sad that you're willing to accept SO little from this mess you're married to.

*"She says I need to get over it"* tells me all I need to know.

Good luck in your phony wreck-conciliation with this lying POS.

Until you find your spine and your dignity, you'll continue to be completely disrespected by her.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I agree. You can't process or forgive what you don't know. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid behavior that even suggests infidelity. Your wife failed big time. 

Consequently, it's no longer appropriate for you to prove she committed adultery. Because of her behavior the shoe is on the other foot. She now has to prove she didn't commit adultery. And she doesn't get to say: "trust me". 

Ask the OM's wife (who sent the email) for evidence, dates, etc.

Your wife needs to believe you will divorce her (bluff if necessary) in order to take you seriously.
In order to take you seriously, she needs to see you take preliminary steps towards divorce.

1 - See your attorney about how divorce will impact you (the first hour is often free).
2 - Separate your bank accounts.
3 - Read up on the 180 and distance yourself from her.

The prospect of a polygraph test tends to stop the lies. Inform her that because of her behavior that you no longer trust what she says or her excuses. Therefore, she must take a polygraph test (it's $400). It doesn't matter if you think they're accurate - only that she believes you do. 

Inform your wife that a confession (today) and all the ugly details may make R difficult. However, further lying or withholding information guarantees divorce.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DLN said:


> Yeah, I thought of that this morning. That I maybe should have waited for more evidence but I thought what I had was enough. I don’t think she will call him with her phone because she knows o am monitoring it. But I can’t stop her messaging him because I can’t see it and she can delete even if I was to check later. We use life 360 as a family but we both have ours off. I may tell her it has to be on for us to get through this. I can’t see her leaving her phone somewhere and going to see him. She has it with her everywhere she goes.


The evidence you have is enough. Your just not willing to see it for what it is. Your POS cheating wife will not tell the truth, why should she.

So your cheating wife lost her father in the middle of her affair. The guy she was seeing then ends the affair and she starts another six months after losing her father. What a cold hearted thing your wife is. She used her own father’s death to cover for her affair. Who would f’n do this?

Why do you want to stay with someone that can do this?

Staying for the kids is a mistake. You will teach them that a marriage is a miserable thing. If you have boys, they will learn to stay with their own wife one day no matter what. If you have girls, they are learning they am an do anything and their husbands will stay. Do you really want to teach your kids this?

See a divorce lawyer, don’t let your POSW know you are doing this. Do your research and get the best one in your area. Also do the free consultation with the top 5, this will prevent your wife from being able to use them


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Alternatively, you can get all you need from the OM's wife.

Email the OM's wife and thank her for informing you of their affair.
Give her your cell phone number (ask her to please call you).

When you speak with her, ask to hear the story from her husband. And if he wants to save his marriage he will talk to you. Consider putting him on your cell's speaker so your wife can join in.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Robert22205 said:


> Alternatively, you can get all you need from the OM's wife.
> 
> Email the OM's wife and thank her for informing you of their affair.
> Give her your cell phone number (ask her to please call you).
> ...


She was messaging me and he was right there answering my questions. He had a panic attack and told his wife about the affair and other ones he had. I don’t see any reason why he would lie about it. He doesn’t have any proof because it was 3 years ago and they deleted all communications.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

ABHale said:


> The evidence you have is enough. Your just not willing to see it for what it is. Your POS cheating wife will not tell the truth, why should she.
> 
> So your cheating wife lost her father in the middle of her affair. The guy she was seeing then ends the affair and she starts another six months after losing her father. What a cold hearted thing your wife is. She used her own father’s death to cover for her affair. Who would f’n do this?
> 
> ...


The first affair was a few years before her father died. The last was a few months after. Not that it makes a difference. Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her. But I agree with everything you are saying. I just need to courage to do something about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DLN said:


> The first affair was a few years before her father died. The last was a few months after. Not that it makes a difference. Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. * I love her. * But I agree with everything you are saying. I just need to courage to do something about it.


Heres the thing: She doesn’t love you. She’s already been with two other men that you KNOW about. Don’t pretend that she wasn’t having sex with them, that’s just ridiculous. Of course she was.
So here is what you have to look forward to if you stay. Little or no sex with a woman that has no feelings for you but knows you do for her and are so scared of facing life alone, you won’t boot her no matter what she does.
So she’s going to treat you like garbage while she cheats with other men (no way she will stop) and searches for your replacement. If she finds a replacement, she’s going to divorce you.

So: why not divorce on YOUR terms, not be with a woman that treats you like dirt and ducks other men, and find yourself a person that actually likes you?

you’ll likely get 50/50 custody and your wife will at least only have time to screw around 1/2 the time instead of you keeping kids while she chases other men on your dime.

Your wife is a serial cheater. She will not stop.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DLN said:


> true.
> 
> I have no one to talk to about this because my friends are her friends husbands. And I don’t want this to get





DLN said:


> Hi,
> 
> This is going to be a very long post but I need to get it out there. I have been married 17 years abs have 3 children with my wife. The last year has been somewhat rocky and we have had very little sex. It started to pick up a few months ago and I thought we were getting back in track but it seems I was wrong. Last week I got a Facebook message from someone who said my wife slept with their husband. I didn’t want to believe it but asked some questions and it seems they were friends 20 years ago and about 3 years ago they meet for lunch a few times and it turned into some fooling around and then meeting just too hook up and the last time sex. He ended the relationship then and I was told my wife was upset with this. I wanted to approach my wife but decided to see if I could find any proof. They only communicated through Facebook messenger and deleted everything. I was able to find search history and found about the time of this alleged affair that she searched in how to hid Facebook messages.
> 
> ...


It takes two to make a marriage. You alone can’t fix her. 2 sexual affairs makes your wife a serial cheater. She has the taste for it now and probably will not stop. Google serial cheater so you know what you’re dealing with.

You only need enough proof to satisfy you. This isn’t a court of law where you need a smoking gun or catching her in the act.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DLN said:


> The first affair was a few years before her father died. The last was a few months after. Not that it makes a difference. Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her. But I agree with everything you are saying. I just need to courage to do something about it.


If I were you I'd examine this thinking in depth.

So just because someone is the mother of of your children you are going to stay with them no matter how poorly they treat you? And you _love_ someone who has done this to you? You LOVE them?

At this point you are totally embracing being treated like a non person. Your wife has zero respect for you as a man, as a partner, and you want MORE of it.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

A love that´s not mutual is also called love only because lacks of our linguistic frame.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DLN said:


> I honestly don’t know. It’s been 4 days so I can’t wrap my head around it. If she would admit to it I would at least be able to process it but the fact that she won’t makes me think no. I have been barely sleeping or eating and she keeps asking am I ok. I am trying to put in a brave face for everyone but it is killing me. And *she thinks I need to get over it.*


Shes not reconciliation material. Her demeanor tells you that. You are the only one that can make yourself a chump in this situation.

Reconciliation takes:
The truth
Remorseful wayward
Zero contact with her lovers
Her willing to pull a heavy load to fix this

Staying for the kids gets you a continuous life of misery and pain. That’s what’s ahead of you now.
Get STD testing. She’s having sex with a bartender. You don’t know who or where he’s been. Don’t take a chance on getting some permanent disease you can’t get rid of. Sorry man but that where your cheating wife has put you.
You need to fully wake up to reality.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

DLN said:


> Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her.


@DLN, what's love has to do with it?!
You only know about two affairs so far!
Think about this: Your wife betrayed you deeply, she gave herself to other men risking getting pregnant and catching STDs risking your health and your kids health, some STDs can transfer through saliva, so when she kisses the kids that is a high risk too!
She disrespected you and your family on so many levels!

And you're talking about love?!
You know exactly what you need to do!

What's your plan?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most upfront just want them back. Better think long term. What are you getting back? Living in denial and on hopium is a comfort zone that is temporary. Unwilling or unable to make a decision will keep you in limbo. That is your choice. No one else’s.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I agree with those who say don't confront her anymore as this will drive things more underground. But @Marc878 is right, you only need enough proof for yourself. At this point you will never trust her. So time to think about how you want the rest of your life to look at. Generally speaking when it comes to divorce, the longer you stay, the more you pay. Imagine if you "tough it out" and as a reward you have to pay her lifetime alimony?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your cheating wife is doing nothing but waiting for you to get over it. Doesn’t seem to me like she’s even sorry she got caught.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

DLN said:


> She is the mother of my children. I love her.


********. If your going to come here and get everybody invested in trying to help you, at least be honest. You're willfully holding too much back. Its like the judges say on America's Got Talent, "The song you're singing is not right for you my man". Choose one that says what you really feel.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @DLN, what's love has to do with it?!
> You only know about two affairs so far!
> Think about this: Your wife betrayed you deeply, she gave herself to other men risking getting pregnant and catching STDs risking your health and your kids health, some STDs can transfer through saliva, so when she kisses the kids that is a high risk too!
> She disrespected you and your family on so many levels!
> ...


To be honest I don’t have one. That’s why I am here. I found out 3 days ago. I am taking all the advice and figuring out what to do. My plan before today was give her two options. Come clean and we can at least discuss. Still don’t know if I could forgive or even want to. Keep lying and it’s over.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> ********. If your going to come here and get everybody invested in trying to help you, at least be honest. You're willfully holding too much back.


I don’t know what you mean. I found out 3 days ago and it’s not like you just stop loving someone you have been with for 20 years.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

DLN said:


> To be honest I don’t have one. That’s why I am here. I found out 3 days ago. I am taking all the advice and figuring out what to do. My plan before today was give her two options. Come clean and we can at least discuss. Still don’t know if I could forgive or even want to. Keep lying and it’s over.


Even if she comes clean you will never trust her. Dude these are just the affairs you know about there's probably a lot more.

While unpleasant to think about, it's very possible at least one of the kids aren't yours. Before you say, oh they all look just like me...........maybe she likes banging dudes who look like you.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

We might sound harsh to you right now but many of us here have been where you are right now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

serial cheaters don’t come clean. Telling the truth is not in their play book. It just does not and will happen.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She will never tell you the truth. This woman is a total liar.

I think the only way you might get some of the truth is if you leave the house and ghost her, or serve her with divorce papers.

You need to make a strong, shocking move here, or you will only get the run-around and be gaslighted.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If your wife felt any remorse for what she has done or loved you, she would be bending over backwards to fix the situation.

Instead she told you to just get over it. In other words, you know your place stay in it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Talk About Marriage







www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Read this, this should be what you are doing.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> We might sound harsh to you right now but many of us here have been where you are right now.


I appreciate the honesty and that is why I am here. I want to hear what everyone is saying so I know I am doing the right thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DLN said:


> The first affair was a few years before her father died. The last was a few months after. Not that it makes a difference. Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her. But I agree with everything you are saying. I just need to courage to do something about it.


It takes time to wrap you head around what is happening.

Disbelief 

She could never do this.

Then realization this isn’t the person you married anymore. That she doesn’t care one bit about you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

DLN said:


> I don’t know what you mean. I found out 3 days ago and it’s not like you just stop loving someone you have been with for 20 years.


Does you loving her mean youre willing to put up anything she dish out? Despite your apparent willingness to forgive and start over, ain't a damn thing you told us that indicates she willing to fess up her deeds and convince you it ain't going to happen again. Looks like she's keeping her options open by not owning up to anything and therefore not having to make any promises to you she ain't planning to keep. Take my word for it Dawg,---when a married woman is banging other men, she doesn't love her husband. Now that you know what she up to, your moving from a "shocked and surprised" man who discovered his wife cheating to a "I know my wife does other guys but I can't do anything about it" cuckold category.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DLN said:


> To be honest I don’t have one. That’s why I am here. I found out 3 days ago. I am taking all the advice and figuring out what to do. My plan before today was give her two options. Come clean and we can at least discuss. Still don’t know if I could forgive or even want to. Keep lying and it’s over.


It will take months for you to decide the final outcome. But what you do now will decide how that outcome is reached. Many make the mistake of trying to do the pick me dance, showing how much they still love the cheater. The ones that come out strong with Reconciliation or Divorce do a hard 180 and respect themselves. They show the cheater they won’t put up with their BullSht.

This will also show your wife’s true colors. She will either start trying to save the marriage or tell you to F off. How hard she tries to save the marriage is key. Either she is all in, finding out what she needs to do and doing it 110%. Or she is going to do barely anything.

They is no time table for you to get threw this ****show. You just need to figure out your options.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most betrayed in your situation want/need the truth. Most get only what they can prove. A blind man could see through her lies but most in your situation can’t or don’t want to. Not uncommon. All cheaters lie a lot. Especially if they don’t care and are remorseless. She’ll just want to cake eat. At your expense of course.

You are an honest person and will have great difficulty in dealing with a cheater/liar because that’s not who you are.

Being a martyr for your kids is common upfront but long term it becomes major heartburn. Kids grow up have their own lives and don’t really care about your sacrifice for them. Is being a martyr what you would recommend to your kids if they are ever in this position? Most are are so afraid of change they will stay and accept the unacceptable in order to not make a decision.

Take the easy way upfront but be prepared to pay for it long term.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stay out of marriage counseling. Your marriage isn’t the problem. It’s your wife.
A lot of marriage counselors are worthless rugsweepers and may even try and blame you for her cheating. Total BS.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

DLN said:


> Yeah, I thought of that this morning. That I maybe should have waited for more evidence but I thought what I had was enough. I don’t think she will call him with her phone because she knows o am monitoring it. But I can’t stop her messaging him because I can’t see it and she can delete even if I was to check later. We use life 360 as a family but we both have ours off. I may tell her it has to be on for us to get through this. I can’t see her leaving her phone somewhere and going to see him. She has it with her everywhere she goes.


You can't turn back time so you need to move forward with what you have. I think you have enough evidence of an affair and that she is just covering her tracks. The idea of a VAR is so that you can get absolute proof that you can confront her with since she seems to be trying to cover her tracks. Also now that she knows you are on to her it's possible she could purchase a burner phone. They are fairly cheap and can be easily purchased.
If she has had two affairs its very likely there are more or there will be more. If I were in your position I would move on but its not for me to tell you to stay or go. Thats the tough decision you have to make. However, if I were to stay with the wife I would set certain rules and hold her to them. Like the Life360 must be on at all times - no excuses of a dead battery, forgot phone, etc. If she continues to stand by her word as the truth you could ask her to do a polygraph. Most times wayward spouses will come clean before taking the poly. You should also have complete access to her phone, computer, email and social media accounts and let her know you are checking them regularly. Remember this is NOT your fault. Marriage problems can and should be settled without infidelity. If she strayed and wants the marriage to work she should know that she must do certain things like I pointed out to rebuild the marriage and any kind of trust.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Stay out of marriage counseling. Your marriage isn’t the problem. It’s your wife.
> A lot of marriage counselors are worthless rugsweepers and may even try and blame you for her cheating. Total BS.


When my first wife finally admitted to cheating she wanted to go to counseling to fix the marriage. I told her there was no counselor in the world that could change what she did or make me forgive and forget.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

You don't need more evidence. This is staring you right in the face. You just need to decide what you are going to do with this knowledge. Stay with her knowing that she sleeps with a host of other guys and lies to your face about it because she thinks you are stupid or very weak or something else. The former sounds miserable. Choose something else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know enough. Her not wanting to come clean means you’ve got nothing to work with. You want to spend your life as a marriage warden? She thought she was smarter than you and you’d never find out. Now she still thinks she’s smarter than you and you’ll believe her lies. That’s why she wants you to just get over her stabbing you in the heart.

I suspect your doubts are there because you don’t want to have to make a decision. I get it. But where is that gonna put you?

Guess what? Repeated infidelity happens. How you gonna like going through this again?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

DLN said:


> I don’t know what you mean. I found out 3 days ago and it’s not like you just stop loving someone you have been with for 20 years.


@DLN the problem here is that your wife wasn't drunk and had ONS and she came to you crying and being remorseful!
She had two affairs that you know of!
She is a cunning and a calculating women, the majority of affairs the OM (other man) does the logistics, like the hotel bookings and so on, your wife on the other hand was the one who is doing the research for those hotels, hundreds of decisions were made by her to deceive you and betray you (for years), if you think about it, it's quite scary of what she is capable of!!
God knows when did she start cheating!!!

@DLN you need to think deep and hard about reconciliation with such a person!

The first plan is this: *Starting to value your self and know that you deserve better!
And never go to marriage counseling, the majority of them will put the blame on you and find excuses for her betrayal, the problem is her not the marriage!*
Then you need to do some shocking moves such as serving her, show her you mean business!
You can stop the divorce process at any time if you choose to do so, even at the last day in court!

*Show her that she crossed the wrong man!*
Start from this, and things will start to work out in your favour, that's a promise!

So think about what the others and I said, and I will ask you:
*What is you plan @DLN?*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Honestly, we see countless men including myself that has the life crushed out of them and Attempted to nice their wives back. Hundreds of stories and I’ve yet to see that work where the wife even came back.
Filing for divorce and showing them the door: that makes some want to do whatever they can to come back to their betrayed husbands, or they just wAlk and their husbands know beyond doubt that they didn’t matter to their wife anyway.
My advice is file for divorce and make zero attempt to do anything but 180.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This isn’t easy for you. No one is ever prepared for this.

However, you came to the best club that no one ever wanted to belong to. You will get no holds honest advice for the most part.

Keep posting for more help and support. You may not like it but later on you’ll realize the hard truth is best.

Those that get strong upfront and stay there come out best.

Some reading for you that may help. “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download load and it’s short.

You will need all the help and support you can get.

Her cheating is not a reflection on you. This was all on her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

betrayed, hurt men who love their wives (women too) usually have a Strong (almost uncontrollable) urge to do the following:

1 blame themselves for past deeds—-

(just brings to mind all the “reasons” to the Wayward that they had to cheat, helps them justify which is just what they want)

2. Act incredibly needy for physical affection

(Makes them appear weak and needy which subconsciously makes the wayward feel in control and superior to the betrayed, and actually makes the AP look better in their eyes)

3. Try to be the perfect spouse

(Makes the wayward wonder “why weren’t they doing this already? Clearly they knew what crappy spouses they were and only now are they trying to improve just to rope me back in!”)

4. Get depressed, not go to work or able to function

(again, makes them feel that they are better than their betrayed spouse, that the BS is unworthy)

What works is to find one’s anger, to show the cheater consequences, and show the cheater that infidelity is not tolerable.

weakness, vulnerability, and indecisiveness is the exact opposite of what is needed whether one wants to divorce or reconcile.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> What works is to find one’s anger, to show the cheater consequences, and show the cheater that infidelity is not tolerable.
> 
> weakness, vulnerability, and indecisiveness is the exact opposite of what is needed whether one wants to divorce or reconcile.


This is exactly right. 
Whatever you do about this, you need to do it from a position of strength and resolve. Any weakness at this point will undermine and destroy your efforts and ensure a bad outcome for you. 
You need to start with the 180.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> What works is to find one’s anger, to show the cheater consequences, and show the cheater that infidelity is not tolerable.
> 
> weakness, vulnerability, and indecisiveness is the exact opposite of what is needed whether one wants to divorce or reconcile.



Never ever cry in front of her (Go to your room and let it all out, or confide in one of you best friends that you trust)
Don't plead!
Don't do the pathetic "Pick Me" dance that many betrayed spouses (BS) do, it never works and lowers your value to rock bottom!
Be ready to lose the marriage in order to save it (That's if you are stupid enough to save it and stay with such a woman)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A friend of mine married 10 years with 2 girls in grade schools wife had an affair with her boss. Divorced and he’s doing really well now but he said the hardest thing for him was realizing his wife was nothing special and was just your typical cheater. Dime a dozen.

Sorry you’re here but unfortunately you will have to deal with what your wife has served you. As you gain clarity you’ll probably see things that you missed or ignored before. Most do.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I understand you love her. But that's not a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

You can love her and forgive her - and still decide to divorce her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

First mistake...confronting her without solid evidence and expecting her to confess with the truth. Cheaters lie and affairs thrive in the shadows.

Second....why are you giving her a choice of paths???? She is the one who has betrayed you, your marriage, and your family without remorse. How can you truly expect her to suddenly make the best decisions for your family and marriage after having cheated, and lied for so long.

Quit letting her lead you. You need to make the decisions for you and your kids. She has been making the wrong choices long enough.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

If I was interested in staying,i would demand all her devices to run recovery software on them. If she refuses, it's as good as an admission of guilt.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You don’t have to prove to her what she did ( she already knows) 

You also don’t have to give her choices and options. 

You only need enough information so that you can face reality. 

Then you can decide what path is best for YOU and you can do that without her input, agreement or cooperation.

She tore up her Spouse Card and waived all her spouse and wife rights when she got with another man.

You can’t do anything illegal, but you don’t need to convince her she cheated, you don’t need to give her options and choices, and you don’t have to have her approval on anything.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Your wife is cheating on you. There have been at least two men. She is also lying to you. YOU BOTH know this to be the case. There is simply no reason to beat around the bush. I would tell her that and then tell her you are filing for divorce. Do not argue with her. Tell her that her denials are meaningless and you are ending the conversation. If she doesn't do what is necessary to save what is left of your marriage, complete the process. BUT during that time seriously consider whether to stay with this person even if she does all the right things. DNA the children. If you consider staying with her, a polygraph test is a must after she provides you with a detailed written timeline of her escapades. If you don't get extremely tough, including filing for divorce, she will continue to cheat. That is a guarantee. If you simply won't leave, I would advise you to go find a girlfriend. Your wife looks like a terrible bet at this point.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

> And she thinks I need to get over it


Might want to ask if you were having an affair would she think it's reasonable or respectful for you to day, "get over it"? Getting over it is the ideal situation for a cheater because it requires you "shutting up" and her being able to pretend nothing ever happened. 

A remorseful wife would ask if you have any further questions or concerns that she can answer for you. If you ever have any question as to whether your wife is remorseful or not, just focus on the degree of compassion, understanding and sincerity your wife demonstrates when discussing the affair. 

If she wants you or the marriage, she will do what it takes for as long as it takes to be with you. Many betrayed spouses are somewhat afraid of this juncture for fear of finding out about the truth. Any relationship worthy of being in must stand on truth. If love is there but truth isn't, it's fools gold.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DLN said:


> I don’t know what you mean. I found out 3 days ago and it’s not like you just stop loving someone you have been with for 20 years.


Feelings and fond memories don't just disappear in 3 days. 

But that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be lied to, cheated on, chumped, disrespected and live a false life because you care about someone you had a history with and thought you had a future with. 

Love may not disappear in few days, but trust and respect and esteem can be lost in a moment and those things are just as important in a marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DLN said:


> And she thinks I need to get over it.


Well yeah. Why would she want to be inconvenienced by your discontent? She doesn't want to have to deal with consequences for her actions or anything. Of course she wants you to get over it. She wants to have you paying bills, fixing things around the house and killing spiders, while she has fun and orgasms with other men. She doesn't want to deal with things that aren't to her benefit and that aren't fun. 

She doesn't want to deal with consequences or ramifications.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Feelings and fond memories don't just disappear in 3 days.
> 
> But that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be lied to, cheated on, chumped, disrespected and live a false life because you care about someone you had a history with and thought you had a future with.
> 
> Love may not disappear in few days, but trust and respect and esteem can be lost in a moment and those things are just as important in a marriage.


100%

For me I eventually realized the person I was in love with didn't exist. If that makes sense. She's not who you thought she was, which is another part of the pain. Feeling duped, like some kind of idiot who should have saw it coming.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DLN said:


> Still don’t know if I could forgive or even want to. Keep lying and it’s over.


Even if she comes clean and says all the right words and does all the right things, that still does not obligate you to accept it and remain with her. Foregiveness is a gift you are not obligated to give. 

That is the risk she took when she got with other men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Keep lying and it’s over...........it’s over then.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DLN said:


> ...it’s not like you just stop loving someone you have been with for 20 years.


Nobody here is advising your to stop loving your wife. You're not a faucet where you can just turn off/on your feelings. The thing is, it's time to start FEELING ANGER. And it would certainly be righteous anger in this case..

The guys who are advising you to go nuclear and do a 180 and file for divorce are veterans of the cheating war. The only way for your wife to get her head out of the fog is for you to be decisive. And I'm putting my two cents in here as a woman. Weak, needy, pick-me men don't cut it. If you have any chance of this marriage surviving, you need to take action now. Seriously.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Al_Bundy said:


> For me I eventually realized the person I was in love with didn't exist. If that makes sense. She's not who you thought she was, which is another part of the pain. Feeling duped, like some kind of idiot who should have saw it coming.


That's how it was for me too. I loved the person I thought I had married, but the lying cheating pod person in front of me was a stranger I didn't want to be married to. It was hard to distance myself, because my ex was a good actor and I would fall into loving behaviour formed by years of habit. It takes time, and being forgiving with yourself for having been duped. It's a hard thing to have been all in, and discover you were just being used all along.


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Nobody here is advising your to stop loving your wife. You're not a faucet where you can just turn off/on your feelings. The thing is, it's time to start FEELING ANGER. And it would certainly be righteous anger in this case..
> 
> The guys who are advising you to go nuclear and do a 180 and file for divorce are veterans of the cheating war. The only way for your wife to get her head out of the fog is for you to be decisive. And I'm putting my two cents in here as a woman. Weak, needy, pick-me men don't cut it. If you have any chance of this marriage surviving, you need to take action now. Seriously.


Thank you for the feedback. At this point I am going to go 180. Where the last few days I have been out of it I am going to get back to normal and just act happy and distant from her. Not give her the satisfaction of seeing me down. What else do you recommend?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Going back to your first post, this is embarrassing for her, not you.

She says the wife is jealous of her and doesn’t want her messaging the husband??? Sheesh! That’s some big boots!

If another woman ever had to tell me to stay away from her husband I’d know I was a piece of work and die of shame. Most women don’t want to text other people’s husbands to play favourites and then huff when the wife isn’t happy about it.

Your wife thinks she’s hot or something? Bit competitive?

And I haven’t even started on her treatment of you!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DLN said:


> Thank you for the feedback. At this point I am going to go 180. Where the last few days I have been out of it I am going to get back to normal and just act happy and distant from her. Not give her the satisfaction of seeing me down. What else do you recommend?


Download and Read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’s been around a long time and has a proven track record.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How old is she btw, sorry if I’ve missed that.

I agree with the other male posters here.

Some women just aren’t a catch. You say you love her, but look back on your 20 years together and really really look at your marriage with fresh eyes. Was she a loyal, kind, humble and loving women? A team player who pulled her weight either by contributing financially or doing extra around the kids and home? She was someone who was there for you in your hard times? Or have you been carrying the load?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DLN said:


> Hi,
> 
> This is going to be a very long post but I need to get it out there. I have been married 17 years abs have 3 children with my wife. The last year has been somewhat rocky and we have had very little sex. It started to pick up a few months ago and I thought we were getting back in track but it seems I was wrong. Last week I got a Facebook message from someone who said my wife slept with their husband. I didn’t want to believe it but asked some questions and it seems they were friends 20 years ago and about 3 years ago they meet for lunch a few times and it turned into some fooling around and then meeting just too hook up and the last time sex. He ended the relationship then and I was told my wife was upset with this. I wanted to approach my wife but decided to see if I could find any proof. They only communicated through Facebook messenger and deleted everything. I was able to find search history and found about the time of this alleged affair that she searched in how to hid Facebook messages.
> 
> ...


So in the last three years she has had what I believe were *sexual* relations with two men ( that you know of ). No one is going to go to the amount of trouble she went through to cover her tracks unless sex was going on. Sleazy hourly no tell hotel rooms. Hanging out in a bar and doing the bartender after hours. Obviously no conscience or even pride. She lied about what you told her you know. She will lie to you about *everything*. No point in even asking her. Does the time this past year when you had very little sex coincide with any of the other activity you found out about? 

Sorry you are here, but she has gone full wanton wayward on you and her children a looong time ago. There is nothing to "work out". She will continue working through all the men who will do her ( in an hourly hotel room ). Do you know the profession of the women who patronize those rooms with their clients? The room price is included in the total service price.

Divorce her ASAP. Get tested for STDs ASAP. Are you sure the kids are yours?


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## DLN (Aug 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How old is she btw, sorry if I’ve missed that.
> 
> I agree with the other male posters here.
> 
> ...


She is 47 and I am 45. Our kids are 12, 13 and 15. I would say when we got married she was out of my league. But like a lot of us getting older we have both let ourselves go a bit. But I would stay still looking good. My goal along with staying strong and not showing any weakness is to lose some weight and get in shape. Get ready to move on because it seems like in the long run that will be the way to go.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

As far as books I'd also suggest The Rational Male, books 1 and 2.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DLN said:


> I have been out of it I am going to get back to normal and just act happy and distant from her. Not give her the satisfaction of seeing me down. What else do you recommend?


Listen, I know you are hurting. You're still in shock from finding out about this. Like I said, the guys here are giving you solid advice. I just don't think you're coming across as happy is sincere by trying to behave in a "normal" way around her.. Hurt? Yes. Upset? Yes. Angry? Again, YES. But you can only put on a front for so long. And it shouldn't be to get back at her.

Get into counseling now to process all the feelings you have. I suppose I'm scratching my head about what seems to be your lack of anger/rage at your wife for outright lying to you. She's deceitful and a cheater. I can only address this from my perspective, but the last thing I'd be doing is launching the I'm-so-happy dog and pony show. To heck with love. I'd demand a polygraph. If she refuses? Fine. Tell her in no uncertain terms you'll be seeing a lawyer within the week.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's about the only logical recourse I can see. She may come clean. Again, she may not. Bottom line: she has crapped all over the marriage. She has and IS disrespecting you. And anytime a woman can treat a man with disrespect? He might as well turn in his man card, because she's already checked out and moved on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes I would recommend hitting the gym and a whole new wardrobe. Throw yourself into lifting weights, jogging, swimming, whatever you enjoy doing.

Don’t be ashamed at all.

I worked in a clothing store briefly when younger and I remember a lady coming in and she broke down in tears and told us her husband had been having an affair. We hugged her and fussed over her for an hour, we gave her the star treatment, built her up and laughed with her while she cried. She spent thousands, we sent her off to our other shop girl friends at a make-up counter not far and told her to go get her hair done. I’ll never forget her bravery and honesty and I hope those small gestures helped her that day, I’m sure they did. It’s the small things.

I would suggest going into a store and doing just this, what you need is a kind word and people who may never see you again to help you on your way to a new you. Even better, find a shop with some female staff. A new haircut, a new aftershave, a signature scent that’s all yours as you navigate this next stage. Because the old you is gone now, she took that away and the future you is not the man she destroyed. You own you now. Start now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Perfect time to join a gym. Walking is great too. Watch the diet and lay off any alcohol.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Start looking at attorney’s. You should be able to get some free consultations. Knowledge is power. Start now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If the kids ask what is up don’t lie to them. Let them know that their mom cheated and you are trying to figure it out. 

One other thing, they are old enough to make their own decision on who they want to live with if you divorce. My siblings and myself went to live with our dad when we turned 13. 

If they get angry with their mom with what she has done, let them work through it. Don’t force the issue if they stop talking to your WW. They will work that relationship out with her in their own time.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

She's been intentionally deceitful. This is a no doubt situation.... she fully cheated and is cheating on you.

The fact that she is unremorseful and thinks you should get over it is standard.

Probably shouldn't have confronted without the hard evidence, but at this point just keep saying you know she is lying and don't reveal any sources.

Start the divorce process. There is no doubt.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Get an STD test and DNA your kids. That should send a message to her that you're serious.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That's how it was for me too. I loved the person I thought I had married, but the lying cheating pod person in front of me was a stranger I didn't want to be married to. It was hard to distance myself, because my ex was a good actor and I would fall into loving behaviour formed by years of habit. It takes time, and being forgiving with yourself for having been duped. It's a hard thing to have been all in, and discover you were just being used all along.


This is exactly how I felt and I'm a woman.


DLN said:


> She is 47 and I am 45. Our kids are 12, 13 and 15. I would say when we got married she was out of my league. But like a lot of us getting older we have both let ourselves go a bit. But I would stay still looking good. My goal along with staying strong and not showing any weakness is to lose some weight and get in shape. Get ready to move on because it seems like in the long run that will be the way to go.


Hi DLN,
Everyone's given you solid advice, I'm sorry it's harsh. I remember my dose the first time I posted, it wasn't pretty, but it was what I needed.

I know you might not see it right now, but ones day you will see you're the one who's out of her league. She's morally bankrupt and has no shame. 

I know you're not a robot, you may not be able to be happy, or not cry, but so what. Just stand firm and hold your head high, you have done NOTHING wrong. If she was unhappy with you, she should have told you, not screwed around. Please do not accept any blameshifting whatsoever, she's going to try to pass the buck. 

It will be ok eventually, stay strong.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I just saw your post. My first question is twofold:What is you love about your wife that make you want to stay with her? Second, why would you remain with a serial cheater who basically told you to suck it up and accept it. Total ********.

She is lying profusely to you. You lost the ability to get her more intel by busting her too early as she will be mor e cautious to avoid detection.

My advice is simple and to the point as one other poster advise, that is the lie detector. Ask her to put you at ease with a poly. If she refuses....you have your suspicions confirmed.

Right now it is fear of the unknown that has you in its grasp. Fear not! Take control by implementation of the 180. Ask her to remove herself from your marital bed, too.

one key question you must answer for yourself....is my life better with her or without her?


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You gathered sufficient evidence and confronted. Your wife's explainations are insulting your intelligence. She has had sex with both of those guys and maybe others.

If she won't be honest then your path becomes clearer. Think about exposing her and also visit a lawyer for a consultation. Take care of yourself.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

NLLH is right. Fear of the unknown paralyzes many a betrayed spouse into inaction.

A line from one of my favorite books "Fear is the mind killer".

Consulting an attorney is a must at this point just to find out what your options are and to make a plan no matter what path you eventually choose.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Do a paternity DNA test on your kids, just so you don't spend the rest of your life wondering. Tell them it's related to your new genealogy hobby.

It's also a way to make your wife understand the consequences of her actions.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You may always love her, because you've had many good memories and years together. Her infidelity doesn't change that, but it needs to change your future. She doesn't seem remorseful and you have been given great advice here. I'd take it. Start looking after yourself and consult an attorney. She sounds like she will be very difficult through a divorce, so you'll need to accept that. The more equipped you are emotionally/mentally, the better things will go, as far as divorces. I'm not advocating divorce, but she is a serial cheater, and sadly, they don't really change. Sorry you're dealing with this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DLN said:


> The first affair was a few years before her father died. The last was a few months after. Not that it makes a difference. Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her. But I agree with everything you are saying. I just need to courage to do something about it.


I’m going to tell you something that you probably already know, and hopefully it will help you to get from where you are now to 6 months from now in about 10 seconds —

Love doesn’t matter.

Love is but one of the pillars that hold up a marriage, and without commitment, respect, and trust there to help carry the load, it just doesn’t matter.

Also, serials don’t change — ever. So, should you choose to stay in this marriage, you would be wise to do so fully aware that it will be an _open marriage_.

At least on _her_ side.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

DLN said:


> What else do you recommend?



You need to learn the protocol in handling this. And you need to learn fast. the advice here has been very good. But most of all don't go NICE GUY. It doesn't work.



DLN said:


> I would say when we got married she was out of my league.



Was your wallet out of her league.? this suggests a lot about your thinking. You're likely blue-pilled all the way brother.
She probably married you as the safe stable provider. you got your prize right.. And the consequences of her shtty behavior. After all, she's the Queen. . Did you qualify her before committing to the never-ending obligations expected from a married man? bet she's been screwing around more than you are aware of. You just caught her. You're the last to know. What was her track record when you married her.

Start watching *rich cooper videos and get the book.* Another book is the *Practical man's guide to female psychology* - joe south. Pay special attention to the Lover/Provider Dichotomy. These books will start to lift the fog you've been living in.*The rational male - rollo tomassi books and video *will explain some things as well. You need to start rewiring your brain. It shorted out..


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

DLN said:


> She also spoke to him daily while we were on a family vacation and one time calling him 3 times at 1:30AM.


She got a bf and you are the safety net to provide all her material comforts. At this point, you are a wallet. its obvious she's not interested in you. She'd rather be with this guy. Looks like she outsourced sex as well. This is tough, and i am sorry, but you need to see the severity of your situation. You are far behind especially when you fall back on the love argument. That's almost comical considering your position. No more nice guy bs. rich cooper has a video in which he interviewed Glover the author of No More Mr Nice Guy. I posted that video someplace on this site. I have a strong suspicion you fit the definition.

She may even be on Ashley Madison for all you know.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Willnotbill said:


> Even though you have confronted your wife you are in the fact finding stage. Since you have confronted her she will take the affair underground making it harder to catch her. To find out what's going on you will need to either *hire a PI* or do the work yourself. You can purchase *voice activated recorders and hide them in her car or in your home* where you think she is calling the other man. You can also hide a GPS sensor on her car so you know where she is or went. *Be patient* as the fact finding process takes time but you will get your answers. *Avoid bring affair(s) up to her or talking about them. Let her think you believe her story. *I would also avoid sex with her. If she is as active with other partners she could pass a STD to you.



Do This^^^^^^^^^. PI is highly recommended. He'll probably be able to download her texts and scour her spending habits. Pi has capabilities well beyond what you can do at this stage.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

I am going to guess there have been more than two. She got a taste for cheating with the first guy. He might have initiated because his wife did say he has cheated before. After he broke it off, and she realised that she could get away with it, she went on the hunt. I reckon she tried a few out before she found the bartender. I might be wrong. 

Her response to your confront was awful. I really don't see a very bright future if you stay with her. Your only option could be to split.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DLN said:


> Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her.


Just because she's the mother of your children?? Just because you love her??

I ask you what that have to do with anything?? Really, where's your self-respect, your dignity, your self-worth, your pride? because you loving her have nothing to do with her cheating, her disrespect for you and your family. Most if not all women that are cheaters when found and see their husband/partner basically, doing little or nothing or just trying desperately to win her back, see the man as a weak, pathetic man that has no pride, and it stand much lower than the affair partner as a man and feel justified of their cheating.

Personally, I just couldn't even fathom the thought of seeing, least of all touching my wife after she was being ****ed by another dude. No way. That's why I always say that for me it doesn't matter the who, why, where, when, just that she did. Marriage over. But I'm not you and you might be able to digest the knowledge that your wife have been ****ing other dudes, but it will always be there in your mind. You'll be thinking was he bigger, better? did he rocked her boat a lot more than I? will she cheat again? will I ever trust her again?

In your case is a given, she's been with a couple of dudes (that you know of), she will cheat again. Most likely, she's done with you as an alpha male, and most likely she will only see you as that beta male that she is staying with because of marriage, children, money, etc. I didn't even get the feeling of anger coming out of you. Come on dude, show some anger a least.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

DLN said:


> Hi,
> 
> This is going to be a very long post but I need to get it out there. I have been married 17 years abs have 3 children with my wife. The last year has been somewhat rocky and we have had very little sex. It started to pick up a few months ago and I thought we were getting back in track but it seems I was wrong. Last week I got a Facebook message from someone who said my wife slept with their husband. I didn’t want to believe it but asked some questions and it seems they were friends 20 years ago and about 3 years ago they meet for lunch a few times and it turned into some fooling around and then meeting just too hook up and the last time sex. He ended the relationship then and I was told my wife was upset with this. I wanted to approach my wife but decided to see if I could find any proof. They only communicated through Facebook messenger and deleted everything. I was able to find search history and found about the time of this alleged affair that she searched in how to hid Facebook messages.
> 
> ...


That she's been lying to your face for a long time is just too apparent.

You need to plan a life without her. So sorry things are going off the rails. You're not driving the train but will be a victim of the crash.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DLN said:


> Thank you for the feedback. At this point I am going to go 180. Where the last few days I have been out of it I am going to get back to normal and just act happy and distant from her. Not give her the satisfaction of seeing me down. What else do you recommend?


You should also start divorce paperwork, even if you don't really want to follow through. She has to understand this is serious and there are consequences. I would also make her write down in detail everything that happened and when, every single detail. Let her know you have proof positive of her cheating and anything other than full disclosure results in divorce. Also schedule a polygraph. If you don't do at least these things AND you decide to stay with her you are 100% guaranteed that she will cheat again.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

DLN

I don't know which is worse, her lying to you or you lying to yourself. Here are some steps to take:

1.* Have her served.* Divorce is a long process. It gives you time to watch her actions. It can be stopped if she gets her head out of her ass. Sets the tone that you are serious.

2. *STD tests? *She has been letting another man put his body fluids in her, risking you & your families life and health. That's why we don't marry hookers! They are disease carriers! Sets a tone.

3. *No sex with her till this is resolved.* It signals forgiveness to her AND a judge. Sets a tone.

4. *DNA your kids. *I don't care if they are the spitting image of you. Sets a tone.

5.* Have her write a timeline of her affair.* Have it checked against a polygraph of her. Its amazing what comes out just before the test.

6.* Expose to friends and family. Nothing breaks up an affair like exposure.* Shine a light on it and watch the cockroaches run!

7. *Transparency with all electronics. *You are given all passwords. No secrets between a man and wife anyway.

8.* Do not play the "pick-me game".* *No begging, pleading, or crying in front of her.*

9.* Practice the "180 technique religiously. *Here is a link: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

10. *Strength & Honor!* Remember Maximus! *Be that man for you and your children.*


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

skerzoid said:


> .*
> Practice the "180 technique religiously. *Here is a link: The 180 for Hurt Spouses


And please, do not understand "*religiously"*_ as on your knees.😊_


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DLN said:


> Why do I want to stay with her? She is the mother of my children. I love her.


You need to realize that your criteria for staying with her (loving her and her being the mother of your children) doesn't have anything to do with her behavior / actions. She can do anything and those criteria could still met.

Its time to come to a realization that your marriage is most likely over and start proceeding that way. Holding on to false hope and images of who she is that are not reality will not help you.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

DLN said:


> Thank you for the feedback. At this point I am going to go 180. Where the last few days I have been out of it I am going to get back to normal and just act happy and distant from her. Not give her the satisfaction of seeing me down. What else do you recommend?


Do the steps in the 180 that promote self improvement. I recommend you focus on you. That is what I am doing and I can say it has strengthened me and given me purpose. I bought a new wardrobe and treated myself to a one month trip to Spain. I'm taking a guitar class, immersing myself in the culture. I know you probably don't have the finances to do that, but you can focus on your interests and hobbies. Many here suggest working out and exercise and that would probably be a good idea too. I guess the biggest goal is to pull away from your wife emotionally so that when the divorce comes she cannot emotionally manipulate you.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> Do the steps in the 180 that promote self improvement. I recommend you focus on you. That is what I am doing and I can say it has strengthened me and given me purpose. I bought a new wardrobe and treated myself to a one month trip to Spain. I'm taking a guitar class, immersing myself in the culture. I know you probably don't have the finances to do that, but you can focus on your interests and hobbies. Many here suggest working out and exercise and that would probably be a good idea too. I guess the biggest goal is to pull away from your wife emotionally so that when the divorce comes she cannot emotionally manipulate you.


DLN, please read this boss’ advice. Have a look in Arthur’s thread. All of this is HARD. It’s really hard work, but you can get through it. Arthur is the poster boy on how to move through this, in my opinion. You’ll see he definitely struggles on some days. This is expected. Still, he gets up the next to try again. It’s all you can ask of yourself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Arthur is right....join a gym, buy some new clothes, pick up a new hobby, do something that you have always wanted to do but she stop you....the point is to live under the roof as a single man....this will piss her off...I promise you that


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @DLN 

You have several options: 1) Hire a PI. 2) Buy a VAR and hid in her car along with GPS tracker. 3) If she has a I-Phone and you have an old I-Pad around and know her long in for the cloud you can see all of her emails and text that way. Best of luck!


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP, sorry for this mess in your marriage. I think if you stay with your wife, you should accept that you'll probably have a one-sided open marriage. In effect that's what you've had, and likely what you will have in the future. You have been living this way, raising your kids, it's comfortable in a sense that's it's the same old routines for everyone. Going forward you'll probably be unhappy, but you'll have some comfort with the status quo. And you'll likely be internalizing a lot of anger over your wife's behaviour and your own behaviour.

If you do reconcile, I think you should be careful in assuming your wife is going to be monogamous. Despite whatever she might promise you.

If you stay married, I suppose you could start seeing other women (friends with benefits) this might help your self esteem and I mean what the hell your wife's had them. Or formalize an open marriage with your wife.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

SnowToArmPits said:


> Hi OP, sorry for this mess in your marriage. I think if you stay with your wife, you should accept that you'll probably have a one-sided open marriage. In effect that's what you've had, and likely what you will have in the future. You have been living this way, raising your kids, it's comfortable in a sense that's it's the same old routines for everyone. Going forward you'll probably be unhappy, but you'll have some comfort with the status quo. And you'll likely be internalizing a lot of anger over your wife's behaviour and your own behaviour.
> 
> If you do reconcile, I think you should be careful in assuming your wife is going to be monogamous. Despite whatever she might promise you.
> 
> If you stay married, I suppose you could start seeing other women (friends with benefits) this might help your self esteem and I mean what the hell your wife's had them. Or formalize an open marriage with your wife.


An accurate prognosis, sadly.
Not a solution I would choose for me.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

"Thank you for the feedback. At this point I am going to go 180. Where the last few days I have been out of it I am going to get back to normal and just act happy and distant from her. Not give her the satisfaction of seeing me down. What else do you recommend?"

Get all your financial records in a safe place where WW can't get to them 

Get to a divorce lawyer and find out how the process works in your location and also what the outcome would be
based on all your financial information.

As a 'child' of parents who merrily tom/alley-catted their entire life - I can tell you your kids will be messed up by staying 
with a WW.


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