# Long Term Separation



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My wife and I have been married for over 21 years and we have 2 great teenage children. Here's the problem; We've been living apart (separated) now for over 9 months. During this time we have talked a lot to try and resolve our various issues, including our sexless marraige, but nothing has really been resolved. She says she'll "do her part" or try her best, to do better regarding many of the issues if I move back home. However, she is difficult at times to reason with and I'm not sure that the problems won't start again if I move back home.

We've been to counseling several times, before the separation and it didn't really help. One of my many issues with her is that I don't really find her attractive nor desire having sex with her (for various reasons), She also hasn't been lovable to me throughout the years and I feel we've been incompatible with each other.

I own a successful business and she's a stay at home mom that homeschools our kids. I help out around the house (she'll admit) as much as I can.

I'm tired of the blame game and rehashing the past and our issues. Our last conversation was; she said she's "over it" and after the holidays, we should get a divorce. I tend to agree with her, but wanted to get some feedback on this forum. 

My question is; should I move back home and try to work thru our issues (if our heart is in it), or just call it quits?

There are too may issues to go over in this posting.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If there is a chance to save it atleast give it a chance, that way there isn't the what ifs.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

what was the reason you separated? and no sex, how come? just the lack of "attraction"??? blame game is not a game, and rehashing is not bad, within good and fair rules of communication.
i sure would like to see you work through the issues and heal your marriage rather than just give up.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My wife had a very abusive (verbally & sexually), home life as a child. She's been through counseling for it and is on antidrepressants, which helps her attitude. However, she can still be mentally imbalanced and she can tend to be out of line with our kids from time to time. When I confront her about it, she gets on the defensive. I have a hard time reasoning with her about this and other issues.

We rarely had sex, because 1) I Don't find her very physically attractive. 2) Her anger and/or misdeamoner turn me off. She has a hard time showing affection to me. 3) Her harsh tone of voice (that I and the counselor have discussed), with her, can be irritating. 

I considered ordering Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Boot Camp to see if it could save our marriage, but I question if it could, especially if my wife has mental issues and cannot be reasoned with half the time.

By the way, it's been like this off and on for 21 difficult years and I finally moved out (with some prompting from her), 9 months ago.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. This is a TOUGH situation and a lot of issues.

What next???


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Malibu17 said:


> My question is; should I move back home and try to work thru our issues (if our heart is in it), or just call it quits?


I'm not sure why you are asking us this particular question, because it won't work unless you are both 100% committed. So you need to decide, do you love her?

The sex thing I do know more about...

There are two things you can do to make yourself more turned on. 

First of all, stop all solo ejaculations. This will make you horny, and your view of your wife will gradually change, if you make a deal with yourself to only cum with her.

Secondly, if she is willing to explore some ideas with you, tell her what sort of thing turns you on. Another thing that can help with this is to look back on a time where you were very turned on by her.

By the way, what was the frequency of sex, when you still lived together?


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

When my wife and I were together, we were lucky to have sex 6-8 times year. She seemed distance much of the time and I was turned off by her looks and misdemeanor. Honestly, it's gotten so bad that I'm afraid I was going to end up having another affair. I had one (which she knows about and that I apologized for), however, if things remain (sexless), as they are, we may need to get divorced so I (we) can move on to someone else that I'm attracted too and more compatible with. 

By the way, I do love and care for her, but not necessarily in "love" with her.

Any ideas?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Malibu17 said:


> By the way, I do love and care for her, but not necessarily in "love" with her.
> 
> Any ideas?


In your current state of mind, don't bother, it won't work. Unless you are 100% into her, it will be worse than before. If you really want to succeed, work on taking down the wall you have built up first, so that you love and desire her first. You can practise this in your own room, just bring her into your mind, and see how you feel.

But if you can't be bothered to do that, don't bother with the rest of the plan, it won't work. You need to make up your mind, and be joyful about it. If it feels like a task, it won't work. 

When two people first meet and get together, it is effortless. That is how it should always be. If you have to start making an effort, something is wrong. Love can't help itself. If you have to effort, it means there is part of you that wants something, and part of you that does not. When you want something 100%, you just find yourself doing it, it's no effort. In fact it would be an effort to stop. It would take a huge effort on my part to stop having sex with my wife for instance. All day long, my mind comes up with ways to make her feel loved. I say nice things, notice how she looks, etc. It's no effort at all. It's like she is my hobby.

So I think you need to stop forcing yourself, and have a closer look at your own mind.


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

Malibu17 .. I am praying for you that things will be worked out and if it is not meant to be then I pray that someone special will come along and things will be better for you !!!


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