# I miss my mother



## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

This isn't something I would normally write about, or talk about, but today just feels like hell and I need to get it out.
I have been lucky enough in my life to have a parent that was truely,my best friend. My entire life. No awkward, I-hate-my-mother,she-embarasses-me teenage years. Nothing. She has been my hero for life. We had fights, she IS my mother, after all. But she was the first one I wanted to talk to, the person to encourage me, the person that gave me any good trait that I might have. The older I've gotten, the more respect I have for her and the person she is/was.
About 2 years ago, she had a stroke, 2 actually. The aftermath of a massive brain anuerysm. The time that followed, I still have no idea how my family and I survived it. A 6-week coma, more machines attached to her than I thought possible (the doctors words) being told she was a vegtable and I should pull the plug. Just thinking about it makes me ill. She survived all this (thankyouverymuch, Dr. A$$hole) and was not a vegtable, did not forget me. She's been in the hospital ever since. I know that I'm lucky that she survived, lucky to have had her to begin with. But she is not the same person she was, how could anyone expect her to be? Days like today, I miss her so much, I can't breathe. I miss her spirit, her constand support, her passion for life and everything around her, I miss her giving nature and her wisdom. I will never find someone else like her in my life again, and it just breaks me sometimes. I can't picture the rest of my life without the person she was. Nothing I've done, or can do, can bring her back. All of the things I worked for in my life, she was a part of. Every time I plotted to do something like save money for a trip, it was to drag her along with me. I know that might sound pathetic, all of it, but she was the one person who knew me. We used to joke we were mother and daughter because if we weren't, if we were born at the same time and were friends instead, this world was in trouble. We'd raise hell and paint the town. 
Today I was cleaning and found a letter she wrote me when I moved overseas years ago, she signed it " I love you and I miss you terribly. I'm SO PROUD of you. I brag all the time to anyone who'll listen. Love, Mom". Sappy, overly-proud mom. Finding this just hurt for today.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mckiwi said:


> This isn't something I would normally write about, or talk about, but today just feels like hell and I need to get it out.
> I have been lucky enough in my life to have a parent that was truely,my best friend. My entire life. No awkward, I-hate-my-mother,she-embarasses-me teenage years. Nothing. She has been my hero for life. We had fights, she IS my mother, after all. But she was the first one I wanted to talk to, the person to encourage me, the person that gave me any good trait that I might have. The older I've gotten, the more respect I have for her and the person she is/was.
> About 2 years ago, she had a stroke, 2 actually. The aftermath of a massive brain anuerysm. The time that followed, I still have no idea how my family and I survived it. A 6-week coma, more machines attached to her than I thought possible (the doctors words) being told she was a vegtable and I should pull the plug. Just thinking about it makes me ill. She survived all this (thankyouverymuch, Dr. A$$hole) and was not a vegtable, did not forget me. She's been in the hospital ever since. I know that I'm lucky that she survived, lucky to have had her to begin with. But she is not the same person she was, how could anyone expect her to be? Days like today, I miss her so much, I can't breathe. I miss her spirit, her constand support, her passion for life and everything around her, I miss her giving nature and her wisdom. I will never find someone else like her in my life again, and it just breaks me sometimes. I can't picture the rest of my life without the person she was. Nothing I've done, or can do, can bring her back. All of the things I worked for in my life, she was a part of. Every time I plotted to do something like save money for a trip, it was to drag her along with me. I know that might sound pathetic, all of it, but she was the one person who knew me. We used to joke we were mother and daughter because if we weren't, if we were born at the same time and were friends instead, this world was in trouble. We'd raise hell and paint the town.
> Today I was cleaning and found a letter she wrote me when I moved overseas years ago, she signed it " I love you and I miss you terribly. I'm SO PROUD of you. I brag all the time to anyone who'll listen. Love, Mom". Sappy, overly-proud mom. Finding this just hurt for today.


My mom and I were very close too. I was her 'late in life' child. My dad and mom were a little more financially established when I came along and the older 4 were almost way older so she was more relaxed with me than the others. We had the best times. She passed away 4 years ago, but the things she taught me still play over in my head as I'm cooking one of her 'meals', playing a game with my kids that she played with me or having a heart to heart with my older kids like we used to share. She's still here. It was more painful seeing her in the hospital, confused, lost and tied to the machines than having her gone. Very sorry for your situation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

The thing is, I can't seem to wrap my mind around any of it. My father died when I was 18...I've had years to get over it. I still think about him, when I'm out in the middle of nowhere (he was a die-hard mountain man) when I cook certain things, when I hear Van Morrison or CCR. But its always bittersweet, wishing he was here, that we could have known eachother when I got older. But it doesn't cripple me. I think of good memories we had, that he'd enjoy certain things I do now, knowing that we'd have a lot in common. It makes me smile knowing that. 
I know more time has passed for him, so it will naturally hurt less. But it never felt like this. Not that I didn't love him, he just wasn't as vital a force in my life. 
I think of my mom, in the was she is, in a wheelchair, half blind, sometimes present, sometimes off in her own world. I am not as strong as her. She found her mother dead when she was a child and her father died when she was my age now. She still had a lot to teach me in that regard I guess. Seeing the strongest person I know go through this is more than I can deal with some days.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mckiwi said:


> The thing is, I can't seem to wrap my mind around any of it. My father died when I was 18...I've had years to get over it. I still think about him, when I'm out in the middle of nowhere (he was a die-hard mountain man) when I cook certain things, when I hear Van Morrison or CCR. But its always bittersweet, wishing he was here, that we could have known eachother when I got older. But it doesn't cripple me. I think of good memories we had, that he'd enjoy certain things I do now, knowing that we'd have a lot in common. It makes me smile knowing that.
> I know more time has passed for him, so it will naturally hurt less. But it never felt like this. Not that I didn't love him, he just wasn't as vital a force in my life.
> I think of my mom, in the was she is, in a wheelchair, half blind, sometimes present, sometimes off in her own world. I am not as strong as her. She found her mother dead when she was a child and her father died when she was my age now. She still had a lot to teach me in that regard I guess. Seeing the strongest person I know go through this is more than I can deal with some days.


I've never had parents in extended illness, but you re-grieve every day. When they're gone, you have the memories and remember the good. Your mom isn't there in the sense as you knew her - but she's 'there'. You've technically 'lost' her already in many ways, but it is a reminder everyday that it's not the same. You're waiting to grieve because she is still alive yet you grieve every day for the woman she was. I get sad when I see what she misses. The birth of my last two babies, my older daughter's grad, my older son driving. I find myself picking up the phone wanting to tell her something about my day. He last year was spent tied to her oxygen machine 24/7. The spark was gone from her eyes. My brother and I took turns care-taking for her. She just sat and watched, never really participating. I loved to care for her after all the care she gave me, but I missed her. She was 'gone' long before she died.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

I know I have to learn how to live with it. She has to, so I better be able to. She turned 50 in the hospital, she's YOUNG. She's not going anywhere, she's "better". As good as she's going to get in all of this. I sit here and imagine that she's going to be in that position for a whole other lifetime. The decisions I made, that my family made, when she couldn't, are why she's there today. I know it sounds terrible to say this, but I wonder sometimes if we were right. Was it the right thing for HER. None of us could stand the thought of losing her, we pushed every possibility. I know the weight of that is on all of us, every day. She is, literally, a miracle. She should not have lived to the hospital, should not have lived through the afterward, she shouldn't recognize us, shouldn't remember anything. Every step of the way, we were being told she wouldn't wake, she would be like a child, she wouldn't know us. We just kept telling ourselves, and them "you don't know her". And to that end, we were right. She woke and wrote to the nurses, telling them to call us. I think the nurses had a stroke themselves on that one. She's still in there, sometimes. Its fleeting. It's nice to hear her sometimes, sometimes its too much.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mckiwi said:


> I know I have to learn how to live with it. She has to, so I better be able to. She turned 50 in the hospital, she's YOUNG. She's not going anywhere, she's "better". As good as she's going to get in all of this. I sit here and imagine that she's going to be in that position for a whole other lifetime. The decisions I made, that my family made, when she couldn't, are why she's there today. I know it sounds terrible to say this, but I wonder sometimes if we were right. Was it the right thing for HER. None of us could stand the thought of losing her, we pushed every possibility. I know the weight of that is on all of us, every day. She is, literally, a miracle. She should not have lived to the hospital, should not have lived through the afterward, she shouldn't recognize us, shouldn't remember anything. Every step of the way, we were being told she wouldn't wake, she would be like a child, she wouldn't know us. We just kept telling ourselves, and them "you don't know her". And to that end, we were right. She woke and wrote to the nurses, telling them to call us. I think the nurses had a stroke themselves on that one. She's still in there, sometimes. Its fleeting. It's nice to hear her sometimes, sometimes its too much.


50 is very young. I remember my dad was in a coma and bargaining with God saying we'd take him anyway, just let him live. Sadly he didn't. It's a tough spot. Are their hospital staff that could assist you?
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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

I don't live anywhere near her. I assume you're asking if I've talked to anyone at her hospital, or elsewhere, about it. No, I haven't. I've been alright, as long as I don't think about it too much. Finding that letter from her just really kicked it off for me today. I know most people would recommend talking to someone, its just not something I want to do at this point. Odd to say, I know, since I'm talking on here, but it seemed the way to handle it for today. Venting, cleaning my house and blaring music...very theraputic.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mckiwi said:


> I don't live anywhere near her. I assume you're asking if I've talked to anyone at her hospital, or elsewhere, about it. No, I haven't. I've been alright, as long as I don't think about it too much. Finding that letter from her just really kicked it off for me today. I know most people would recommend talking to someone, its just not something I want to do at this point. Odd to say, I know, since I'm talking on here, but it seemed the way to handle it for today. Venting, cleaning my house and blaring music...very theraputic.


I understand. Bad day. It happens to us all. You know yourself best. How far do you live from your mom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

Something like 3500 miles. Its not fun.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

Mckiwi,

My heart really goes out to you. Golfergirl, sorry to hear of your loss as well.

It has been 6 years since my mom passed and I miss her very much. I want so very bad to go back, at least if not, for one hour to be with her again. I just want that time again, but it will never happen and it still hurts.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Getting over the death of a parent is not easy - I won't kid you and the grieving process wil never end, but the intensity of th epain will diminish. Have you hobbies? Perhaps you need to start a project put off too long, learn a language, or get involved in a new social circle. You need to get on wiht your life and in doing so honour their memory.

"Let the dead bury the dead, who is to be fed be fed." Peter Tosh (actually Book of Mathew)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My dad had Alzheimer's for years. He was 'gone' years before he died. 
He didn't know who I was 4 years before he died. At the end I was elected to take care of all the end of life issues, ending life support, etc. No one else wanted to be tough enough I guess. But to me it was just a shell, a human shaped box. I'd rather remember him, and not all that fondly, as he was, a breathing living person.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

Mckiwi said:


> This isn't something I would normally write about, or talk about, but today just feels like hell and I need to get it out.
> I have been lucky enough in my life to have a parent that was truely,my best friend. My entire life. No awkward, I-hate-my-mother,she-embarasses-me teenage years. Nothing. She has been my hero for life. We had fights, she IS my mother, after all. But she was the first one I wanted to talk to, the person to encourage me, the person that gave me any good trait that I might have. The older I've gotten, the more respect I have for her and the person she is/was.
> About 2 years ago, she had a stroke, 2 actually. The aftermath of a massive brain anuerysm. The time that followed, I still have no idea how my family and I survived it. A 6-week coma, more machines attached to her than I thought possible (the doctors words) being told she was a vegtable and I should pull the plug. Just thinking about it makes me ill. She survived all this (thankyouverymuch, Dr. A$$hole) and was not a vegtable, did not forget me. She's been in the hospital ever since. I know that I'm lucky that she survived, lucky to have had her to begin with. But she is not the same person she was, how could anyone expect her to be? Days like today, I miss her so much, I can't breathe. I miss her spirit, her constand support, her passion for life and everything around her, I miss her giving nature and her wisdom. I will never find someone else like her in my life again, and it just breaks me sometimes. I can't picture the rest of my life without the person she was. Nothing I've done, or can do, can bring her back. All of the things I worked for in my life, she was a part of. Every time I plotted to do something like save money for a trip, it was to drag her along with me. I know that might sound pathetic, all of it, but she was the one person who knew me. We used to joke we were mother and daughter because if we weren't, if we were born at the same time and were friends instead, this world was in trouble. We'd raise hell and paint the town.
> Today I was cleaning and found a letter she wrote me when I moved overseas years ago, she signed it " I love you and I miss you terribly. I'm SO PROUD of you. I brag all the time to anyone who'll listen. Love, Mom". Sappy, overly-proud mom. Finding this just hurt for today.


Wow, I am so very, very sorry.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I can see why you miss your mother!
I love her too, just from your description.
From the sounds of it, she is still 'there' doing her special thing.
I like that she is inside what I consider 'enemy ranks' teaching the medical staff a thing or two about the power behind love. 
I don't think your mom is done being your mom. It seems to me as though she is showing you that even when someone is completely disabled, there is still love. That is stronger than anything. It has staying power even beyond death and distance doesn't make much difference when people are connected as your family is. You definitely did the right thing. I have a living will and basically it says do not pull the plug. The person I trust to not ever do this is my son (not my current husband, not even when things were good with him). Even when someone is treating you horribly, you can learn a lot about compassion and sympathy from them and be grateful. Of course, your mother will not treat you horribly, as she is simply not that kind of person. She also does not seem to be the sort of person who is scared of anything. The worst thing that could ever happen to her already happened, she lost her husband. At some point, it seems she decided since this already happened, she would make sure that she lived, and that is exactly what she is doing. Your mother IS a living example of love. The exact physical and geographical state of being is not of a lot of consequence. She will die when she is ready, and not a moment before. My grandmother was like that. I remember after her biological daughter's son was born (my grandmother was not blood relation to me but we were close spiritually and I absolutely adored her and trusted her completely ), she told me, all connected to her tubes and so forth, that now that she had seen her grandchild and her daughter was all set, she could die. I can laugh now, when she was in the hospital and I was a young college student (18) I used to drive as often as I could the hour or two into Boson - overcoming fear driving a tiny little iffy car through city commuter traffic, etc. - to visit her. Just to see her. Once she said to me, don't you have anything better to do? LOL. I cried a LOT at her funeral, the cathedral was absolutely filled with people who loved her. Everyone felt so sorry for her daughter, who will she have now? I don't know how many people in her circle knew how close we were or how much depended on her, and it didn't matter. I stayed with my aunt a lot, I think my aunt needed me because of all the time I had spent with my grandmother as a child, I had absorbed her almost entirely. Hours upon hours in the kitchen, or listening on visits. When I visited after my grandmother had passed away, my aunt asked me did I mind sleeping in the same bed where she had died. NO! I wish I still had that bed. It smelled like her, even though the sheets had been washed (aunt offered other ones, I declined). I loved waking up in the same room with the same view that my grandmother had the day she died, and sleeping in the exact same place. That house has been sold, but I have my memory of the smell and the room (my new apartment has yellow walls in the common areas, and they remind me of that room). It has been almost THIRTY years since my grandmother died, and trust me, she is not dead and gone, she is just not living with a body. There is no way your mom could possibly die, ever. She has made sure of that, she will always be with you...and every time you love another person she is there. 

I would say one thing that I learned from my family. When you are at home, surrounded by your family and there is love, it is easier to die, the transition is not even something someone seems to have to struggle with. Everything is complete. Is there any way you can bring your mom home to live with you? My family (not my close siblings and parents...) but other family I knew about when I was younger, before I got left alone in the world...had beds even set up in the living room, I remember visiting and crawling in to keep my great-great-aunt warm with her cat too, and watching tv and talking to people...even ate my dinner in bed with her. She said it was a privilege when you were going to die, you got to break all the rules, and wasn't tv and a bed with wheels in the living room such fun, and she was even in her pajamas! (I was about 8 at the time, and I think I put my nightgown on too.) 

I really doubt your mom will pass away in a hospital unless she can have it the way she wants, converting the people there into believers in her 'science of care'. If you can bring her home that is what I would do. Then it will be easier for her to die if that is what she wants, otherwise, there will be company. But it could be that she is okay with where she is. You sound all set in the love department, obviously there are other people who did not have such great mothers and she is taking care of business even though she had a physical tragedy.

I cannot imagine a life without elders. But watching elders pass is frightening, because we realize we have a responsibility to fill their shoes and to set an example. Over time, I see how much more of a 'giver' I have become rather than a receiver, but when I give I usually go back to draw on all that I have received. 

Maybe your mother is like me, she is going to be herself no matter what situation she is in. Whatever you do, I really doubt it could be wrong, given how you describe her.


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

I just wanna say to you I am so sorry about your Mother.
Mine was my hero, my biggest fan ,my best friend.Always there for me with kind words and love. I also have these days so I can totally relate.I lost my mother November 09 after 13 years of Alzheimer's,which over the years stripped away the wonderful person she was.My awesome Dad took care of her the entire time painting her toenails blowstyling her hair and keeping her as healthy as possible.Sept 09 my father could barley walk due to a bad knee that had needed replaced for years,he didnt want to put her in the hospital but had no choice,and my sister and I live 4 hrs away.He did this reluctantly so he could recover and bring her back home.Sadly this was the end,she was well taken care of but slipped into a total catatonic state and quit eating.She had stated before that she wanted no life support or force feeding so we honored her wishes.I live with guilt that I didnt take her home with me,but i have been told the outcome would have been the same.I now just talk to her everyday and know that I will eventually be with her again. Giving you a virtual *HUG*


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