# How to TELL him that yes, I do plan on divorcing.............



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I thought I should start another thread! So now that I have finally gotten to a good place mentally with all of this, how do I tell him that YES, I do want to divorce and fully intend on doing so? I've told him that I wanted to over the last 3 years at least 3 times, ALL of which he tells me to just do it, not really even caring. Once I started to follow through and for three days, we lived under that assumption before I backed out, unable to take the stress of living with him for three days knowing I would be leaving him (behavior was awful). I am sure he will think this time will be the same this time, but I am emotionally prepared this time knowing it is the right decision and also know my rights this time after the legal consult. 

A few questions:

1. What should I be prepared for? More anger? How should I go about even bringing this up again?
2. Do I tell him BEFORE I go and have papers drawn up or just present the papers? Will the latter make him angry vs. if I told him before?
3. HOW do I prepare myself for living with him over the next however many months it will take to sort through things? A huge part of the issue is how hard he is to deal with, so going through this I predict it will be horrible. I am emotionally prepared in the sense that I know divorcing is the only solution for our situation, but NOT emotionally prepared for what living with him will be like during that time.

Any thoughts on the above???


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Just tell him in a calm manner the marriage no longer works and you're moving on. At first he may be indifferent because he's heard this several times before but anger may not be far behind. I doubt he really wants a divorce so you have to be prepared for him to do anything and everything -- with all sorts of promises -- to change your mind. Don't buy it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

With a VAR in one pocket, and pepper spray in the other. Then just tell him.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Just tell him in a calm manner the marriage no longer works and you're moving on. At first he may be indifferent because he's heard this several times before but anger may not be far behind. I doubt he really wants a divorce so you have to be prepared for him to do anything and everything -- with all sorts of promises -- to change your mind. Don't buy it.


Openminded, I am SURE he will not do anything and everything. I would be shocked if he did. Some of the mean things he says I really feel like are how he feels (i.e., "I've put up with you for 25 years" kind of stuff). I seriously don't think he cares. He likes me here to take care of things, but really doesn't care about ME. I truly believe that. And YES, I do believe there will be some anger. That's what worries me. I'll be able to better withstand it, I feell, now that I truly know what is going on and that he is just plain an abuser, BUT............I don't know how to coexist for an extended period with all of that going on. I guess we shall see.

I do have a question for you or anybody that knows.............it will be a few weeks before attorney can see me and I wasn't clear in my notes when I met with them the first time. The FIRST paper that is filed, that doesn't have all of the details in it, that's just an official filing, with the "agreement" coming second (where all of the details are of who gets what, terms, etc.? Correct?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Are you ready to ask him to move out, or are you prepared to move out, once you tell him?

It might be normal, others certainly have more experience on the matter, but it seems like that's a long time to wait for a lawyer appt.


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## GoSox1972 (Feb 5, 2019)

I wish I knew what to tell you. I am in the same situation. 1, I don't know how to tell him I want a divorce, there is something inside me that just can't say the words. 2 1/2 years ago, I told him I was leaving , but we talked and said we'd work it out, but nothing has changed and here I still am. The coexisting part just leaves me paralyzed not to do anything. I just want to wake up and all will be done and I'll be out of there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would work up some possible scenarios on how it will all work out - living arrangements, financial issues, etc. Then go to him and say "I want to talk to you," and hand him the papers. "This is what I'm planning and I'm open to hearing your comments on it all, this should happen as amicably as possible. Do you want to sit down together later and talk about it? I've got to go to work. Call me if you need to." and then leave.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> I would work up some possible scenarios on how it will all work out - living arrangements, financial issues, etc. Then go to him and say "I want to talk to you," and hand him the papers. "This is what I'm planning and I'm open to hearing your comments on it all, this should happen as amicably as possible. Do you want to sit down together later and talk about it? I've got to go to work. Call me if you need to." and then leave.


WEll, we already have the finances per his earlier worksheets, but I guess we will need to figure out immediate expenses, checking accounts, etc. LIving arrangements, I have NO idea. Honestly. I am scared to have the papers in advance because a while back he told me I should never go to an attorney without talking to him first - he will freak out on me! Or I have a good feeling he will. I am going to be so nervous about this. So if I DO present him with papers, it does NOT have all of the details of what we are agreeing to, or it does? I thought the first paper was just indicating you had officially filed but without all of the details of how things will be divided, who is doing what, etc.? Am I right on that?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

GoSox1972 said:


> I wish I knew what to tell you. I am in the same situation. 1, I don't know how to tell him I want a divorce, there is something inside me that just can't say the words. 2 1/2 years ago, I told him I was leaving , but we talked and said we'd work it out, but nothing has changed and here I still am. The coexisting part just leaves me paralyzed not to do anything. I just want to wake up and all will be done and I'll be out of there.


It is so hard. I am like you, nothing has changed and it has been going on for years - difference being mine said there would be no change and gives me no hope that there will be change. Sooooooo - i am finding that it is really hurting me (literally) to keep staying. I can't keep living like this! I hope you find the courage you need to move forward if that's what you want to do. If you have given it that long, it is NOT a rush decision at all. Just so hard to know what to do sometimes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't be making decisions based on what you think his reaction will be. That's his problem. Unless he will get violent. You're an adult and a human being, not his appendage. And none of this would be happening if he were giving you reasons to stay.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Don't be making decisions based on what you think his reaction will be. That's his problem. Unless he will get violent. You're an adult and a human being, not his appendage. And none of this would be happening if he were giving you reasons to stay.



Just don't want him to make living together any more difficult than it already will be during the transition. It will already be pretty tough. I just want to appease and hold him at bay and try to maintain what little bit of peace and sanity I have left. I know it's not right. And it's what I have been doing for years. I just want as much peace as possible from this point forward.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have a contingency plan just in case he makes it hard. Line up renting a room from someone. Your peace of mind is more important.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Openminded, I am SURE he will not do anything and everything. I would be shocked if he did. Some of the mean things he says I really feel like are how he feels (i.e., "I've put up with you for 25 years" kind of stuff). I seriously don't think he cares. He likes me here to take care of things, but really doesn't care about ME. I truly believe that. And YES, I do believe there will be some anger. That's what worries me. I'll be able to better withstand it, I feell, now that I truly know what is going on and that he is just plain an abuser, BUT............I don't know how to coexist for an extended period with all of that going on. I guess we shall see.
> 
> I do have a question for you or anybody that knows.............it will be a few weeks before attorney can see me and I wasn't clear in my notes when I met with them the first time. The FIRST paper that is filed, that doesn't have all of the details in it, that's just an official filing, with the "agreement" coming second (where all of the details are of who gets what, terms, etc.? Correct?


Oh, he absolutely doesn't care about anything but his own comfort and routine. That's what he may be anxious to keep. 

My ex-H and I lived together for six months or so after I told him I was divorcing him (financial stuff to work out). It wasn't fun but for the most part he stayed on one floor and I stayed on the other. Plus, he started dating soon after so he was gone a lot and that helped. It isn't easy but it can be done. 

It will depend on the process in your state regarding documents. In my state, the petition for dissolution of the marriage (or whatever the original filing is called) is the only document filed in an uncontested divorce until the hearing before the judge and then the final decree is filed. The original document contained everything. Your state may differ about a hearing before a judge. In some states that isn't even done any longer. It will depend on your state.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> WEll, we already have the finances per his earlier worksheets, but I guess we will need to figure out immediate expenses, checking accounts, etc. LIving arrangements, I have NO idea. Honestly. I am scared to have the papers in advance because a while back he told me *I should never go to an attorney without talking to him first - he will freak out on me! *Or I have a good feeling he will. I am going to be so nervous about this. So if I DO present him with papers, it does NOT have all of the details of what we are agreeing to, or it does? I thought the first paper was just indicating you had officially filed but without all of the details of how things will be divided, who is doing what, etc.? Am I right on that?


Are you seriously going to let him continue to control you through this? To hell with him and his papers and his crappy advice about NOT seeing an attorney without his consent! This is about YOU and your rights and protecting YOU! 

Go to an attorney and get ALL of you ducks in a row FIRST. Then let him know you are going to move forward with divorce. (you dont actually hand him papers, he will be served) This gives you security, which will help you find your courage. It should also help prevent him from sabotaging you. And dont listen to him when he tells you how he is going to make sure you end up with nothing, or whatever self serving crap he spews at you. THIS is why you get to an attorney FIRST! 

For me, telling him was the hardest part of the whole thing. He had anger issues and I was afraid of him. Instead of the angry tantrum I was expecting, he broke down sobbing instead. There was nothing going to change my mind, so I had to sit through this as emotionless as I could. Not going to lie, it was HARD. But as soon as it was all out there, the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. 

I actually went through this process TWICE, because evidently I SUCK beyond comprehension at choosing husbands... the same thing happened both times, that they broke down. But then once it was all out there, both were cooperative with the whole separation process, which was completely unexpected of them both. My first XH and I worked everything out between ourselves, each had our own lawyer, and always had an amicable relationship for our daughter. My second XH completely dropped out of contact after the first 7-8 months we were separated. We had no assets, which is sad, and I divorced him without a single word or signature from him, not even when he was served. 

Both times I left. I made all my living arrangements before dropping the bomb. That way I had a place to go if things went badly. I dont know what your plans are in that regard, but even if you plan to stay in the house, get your attorney retained FIRST, I cannot stress that to you enough.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I've told him that I wanted to over the last 3 years at least 3 times, ALL of which he tells me to just do it, not really even caring.


Do what he says. He told you what to do. 



> 1. What should I be prepared for? More anger? How should I go about even bringing this up again?
> *Yes*
> 2. Do I tell him BEFORE I go and have papers drawn up or just present the papers? Will the latter make him angry vs. if I told him before?
> *Tell him and hand him the papers.*
> ...


You should probably get a plan in place before you do this. Figure out what the steps you need to take are and do as much as you can beforehand. You are trying to minimize the amount of conflict and time in conflict you are going to be in. 

But also remember part of what you are working towards is indifference, soon he is not going to be your husband or your problem. He should really feel the same about you, he has said he does more then once. You should assume like he has always said he will be fine. Your life is not about him anymore anyway.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Based on the experiences of my sister and my sister-in-law, it is best that one of you moves out when the decision is made. It can turn ugly and violent otherwise. There will be fights. There may be accusations of dating others and since there is nothing to lose, fighting can become more frequent. 

When my wife’s BFF divorced she moved in with us because her husband and her were fighting so much. You need to realize that your lawyers will be fighting for each of you, and that will create friction and reasons to fight. Difficult to live with someone who you are fighting in court.

As far as telling him. Best to hand him the divorce papers so he knows you are serious. So many spouses threaten to divorce that it is difficult to take them seriously. I think my wife told me she was divorcing me about 4 times in our 46 years marriage. I just ignored her. Divorce papers are like the anti matter of wedding rings.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> With a VAR in one pocket, and pepper spray in the other. Then just tell him.


I know I must sound really clueless. I think I get the pepper spray, but why the VAR??? I know he will be loud. Is there a reason I should get a recording???


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I know I must sound really clueless. I think I get the pepper spray, but why the VAR??? I know he will be loud. Is there a reason I should get a recording???


I don't know if you need that but I think the idea is just at the very least to go over what was said because you probably are not going to be as focused as you would like while talking about this. Let's hope that is the only reason.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you ready to ask him to move out, or are you prepared to move out, once you tell him?
> 
> It might be normal, others certainly have more experience on the matter, but it seems like that's a long time to wait for a lawyer appt.



Maybe I just don't understand the process. I thought once the papers were filed, it takes time - in my state and with a child, it takes a minimum of 90 days. So once I file, we know it will be at least 90 days. We had already discussed he does NOT want to stay in the house. That means I will have to buy him out of half. Until then, he has to go somewhere. The child (who is really an older teenager and a boy) will be going with him - MY CHOICE. He is treating our son well and honestly I think a boy at that age needs his dad more than his mom. I don't want them out in a temporary situation since i am the one asking for this. I would like for him to have time to find them a house and it will take time for me to get the money to give him his half. And if I leave, well................since I am the one staying in the house, it doesn't make sense to leave. I just thought we would all be here together for at least 90 days. Am I missing something??


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Oh, he absolutely doesn't care about anything but his own comfort and routine. That's what he may be anxious to keep.
> 
> My ex-H and I lived together for six months or so after I told him I was divorcing him (financial stuff to work out). It wasn't fun but for the most part he stayed on one floor and I stayed on the other. Plus, he started dating soon after so he was gone a lot and that helped. It isn't easy but it can be done.
> 
> It will depend on the process in your state regarding documents. In my state, the petition for dissolution of the marriage (or whatever the original filing is called) is the only document filed in an uncontested divorce until the hearing before the judge and then the final decree is filed. The original document contained everything. Your state may differ about a hearing before a judge. In some states that isn't even done any longer. It will depend on your state.


So if uncontested that is the ONLY document filed, it must specify who gets what and have ALL of that decided before the papers are presented to him (IF those rules apply to my state)? I am confused on presenting him with papers without his knowledge I have been to an attorney. I thought we were both going to try and agree on what terms got put in those papers. How can that happen if I have already been there FIRST?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Vinnydee said:


> Based on the experienced of my sister and my sister-in-law it is best that one of you moves out when the decision is made. It can turn ugly and violent otherwise. There will be fights. There may be accusations of dating others and since nothing to lose fighting can become more frequent.
> 
> When my wife’s BFF divorced she moved in with us because her husband and her were fighting so much. You need to release that your lawyers will be fighting for each of you and that will create friction and reasons to fight. Difficult to live with someone who you are fighting in court.
> 
> As far as telling him. Best to hand him the divorce papers so he knows you are serious. So many spouses threaten to divorce that it is difficult to take them seriously. I think my wife told me she was divorcing about 4 times in our 46 years marriage. I just ignored her. Divorce papers are like the anti matter of wedding rings.


I just think it makes sense for us to stay in the same place until he finds his permanent spot ( I explained about my older son above). I don't want to be awful about it, even given all I have been through. I want to have a good future relationship with him, for the sake of our kids.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I didn't read any of the responses, so I don't know what other people are telling you. My suggestion is your leaving should be your way of telling him about the divorce. And I mean, you have to leave while he is away. Leave a note to let him know you won't be returning and he will be hearing from your attorney. But do no by any means or in any way tell him where you are or give him any idea of where you are. If you have children, take them with you. Once you have left, have no contact with whatsoever - no calls, texts, emails, messages from mutual acquaintances, nothing. However he tries to contact you and no matter what he says, do not respond in any form or fashion. If he says mean or threatening things, go to the police station and file a report right away.

National domestic violence statistics prove that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving the relationship. You already discovered this. You already know he will become impossible to live with and will begin to treat you very badly. So it makes no sense to tempt your fate in thinking someone can suggest a way to live with his abuse. Knowing your intention to divorce lets him know he is losing his power and control over you. The closer the time to the end nears, the more his sense of loss will intensify, making him meaner and meaner because he will know finalizing the divorce is imminently closer, and that will mean you will no longer be in his life to exert his power and control over. His psyche will never allow that to happen. He will convince himself that he'd rather you were dead than have the nerve to leave/divorce him. He will never relinquish his power and control that he thinks he has, and he will never allow the day to come that you pry yourself from under his power and control.

*From The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence*
_"In fact, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence. One study found in interviews with men who have killed their wives that either threats of separation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that lead to the murder."_

So, you have to make other arrangements. You have to get away from him. Call a Domestic Violence shelter and talk with an advocate on staff. They will be able to guide you through formulating an exit plan. To contact DV shelters in your area, just call 211 from your phone, and let them know you need the numbers of several DV shelters near you. They will ask for your zip code and give you the numbers to as many places as you want.

Please don't be afraid to call, and please don't think you are too good for a place like that. They are very helpful. You're not making any kind of commitments and you're under no obligations. They don't need or want you to commit yourself to anything. All they want to do is help. They are there for exactly this purpose.

You will need someplace to go. If you can't afford to rent a place on a temporary basis and there is no relative or friend you can stay with for a few months until your divorce is sorted out, then a DV shelter is a great place to consider. They are clean, friendly, and they provide everything you might need from food, clothes, toiletries, feminine products, etc. And they have access to lots of other options you can take advantage of, such as counseling and various types of housing programs. The housing programs are aimed at helping victims get back on their feet, so you could be eligible for programs that pay your rent in full for x number of months (anywhere between 3 months and 24 months) or one that supplements rental costs based on your income.

I don't know your circumstances because I didn't read your other thread, so I don't know if you work or have children and don't know which of you owns the house you live in. For that matter, I don't know if you live in a house or if it is rented. But if you live in a house that is owned by one or both of you, I think you should speak with your attorney about the probable outcome of you leaving the house before the divorce settlement. That can be viewed as abandonment and could be held against you if you want to obtain the house through the divorce. Find out what your attorney has to say about it.

However, being connected with a DV shelter will go in your favor because it will prove that you left the house because you were afraid for your safety. And being afraid for your safety doesn't just mean you feared for your life. It also means you feared his temper and his temperament since you already experienced it the first time you attempted to divorce him. So they can advocate for you in this regard as well, and you will more likely obtain your house in the divorce. At least leaving won't count against you.

If you decide to go to a DV shelter, you will want to visit a few to see what they are like. Some are institutions. I don't recommend them because they're usually very regimented and impersonal. They all have certain rules to abide by (such as 10pm or 11pm or midnight curfew), but many are large homes that were converted to accommodate women and their children. These are more comfortable and personal.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Are you seriously going to let him continue to control you through this? To hell with him and his papers and his crappy advice about NOT seeing an attorney without his consent! This is about YOU and your rights and protecting YOU!
> 
> Go to an attorney and get ALL of you ducks in a row FIRST. Then let him know you are going to move forward with divorce. (you dont actually hand him papers, he will be served) This gives you security, which will help you find your courage. It should also help prevent him from sabotaging you. And dont listen to him when he tells you how he is going to make sure you end up with nothing, or whatever self serving crap he spews at you. THIS is why you get to an attorney FIRST!
> 
> ...


OK - all of this makes sense. I am going to keep reading this entire thread. The part I don't get, though, is about the living arrangement, if we already had discussed ME keeping the house whenever this came up in the past. what if I have a 'plan b' in case it doesn't go well? With 'plan a' being that I do stay here, with him until he finds something meaning he also has his half of what I will pay him for house? Even with his awful behavior, he did treat me well for many years and he is the kids' dad. I want to be able to have a good relationship with him in the future for their sake. I do doubt he is going to break down. That much I DO feel pretty confident. I feel bad for you having to go through that not once, but twice (


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

StarFires said:


> I didn't read any of the responses, so I don't know what other people are telling you. My suggestion is your leaving should be your way of telling him about the divorce. And I mean, you have to leave while he is away. Leave a note to let him know you won't be returning and he will be hearing from your attorney. But do no by any means or in any way tell him where you are or give him any idea of where you are. If you have children, take them with you. Once you have left, have no contact with whatsoever - no calls, texts, emails, messages from mutual acquaintances, nothing. However he tries to contact you and no matter what he says, do not respond in any form or fashion. If he says mean or threatening things, go to the police station and file a report right away.
> 
> National domestic violence statistics prove that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving the relationship. You already discovered this. You already know he will become impossible to live with and will begin to treat you very badly. So it makes no sense to tempt your fate in thinking someone can suggest a way to live with his abuse. Knowing your intention to divorce lets him know he is losing his power and control over you. The closer the time to the end nears, the more his sense of loss will intensify, making him meaner and meaner because he will know finalizing the divorce is imminently closer, and that will mean you will no longer be in his life to exert his power and control over. His psyche will never allow that to happen. He will convince himself that he'd rather you were dead than have the nerve to leave/divorce him. He will never relinquish his power and control that he thinks he has, and he will never allow the day to come that you pry yourself from under his power and control.
> 
> ...



VERY good information and I had not thought about a DV shelter - I still struggle to consider this DV since it isn't physical, though I know it is. I do work and can be mostly self-sufficient. We own our home and had already discussed me buying him out and keeping it. I don't know how that would work if I moved out. I do need to talk to the attorney, for sure.................I am getting so nervous about this. I don't think he is going to be aggressive with me, since he seems to have little regard to me leaving. But I am going to be diligent and AWARE and at a minimum, have a couple of different options lined up (plan a, plan b, and even a plan c). THANK YOU for this. Lots of things I did not think of!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Maybe I just don't understand the process. I thought once the papers were filed, it takes time - in my state and with a child, it takes a minimum of 90 days. So once I file, we know it will be at least 90 days. We had already discussed he does NOT want to stay in the house. That means I will have to buy him out of half. Until then, he has to go somewhere. The child (who is really an older teenager and a boy) will be going with him - MY CHOICE. He is treating our son well and honestly I think a boy at that age needs his dad more than his mom. I don't want them out in a temporary situation since i am the one asking for this. I would like for him to have time to find them a house and it will take time for me to get the money to give him his half. And if I leave, well................since I am the one staying in the house, it doesn't make sense to leave. I just thought we would all be here together for at least 90 days. Am I missing something??


Yes, you are missing a lot. 

First, and as I stated above, you cannot think living together is an option.

Secondly, do not GIVE UP custody of your son. It doesn't matter what you think a boy needs. It will be viewed as you not wanting your child. Plus, you will then be required to pay child support. You don't want that because it's hard to get out from under, and he can always come at you to raise the support amount each time your state law permits, such as every year, every 2 years, every 3 years or whatever the law is, and it most likely will be up to age 26, or at least including college. I'm not telling you this to imply that only men should have pay child support and not women. I'm telling you because he will already be mean and resentful over the divorce. You will have hell to pay for the rest of your life as it is, so no sense in giving him all this kind of power over you. Plus, you won't have any say in the decision making on your son's behalf, medical or otherwise. It would be a better idea to go for 50/50 custody with you as the custodial parent. That way, he spends half his time with both of his parents, and you will have primary control, rather than your ex dismissing you and leaving you out of significant events in your son's life. And besides, being a teenager makes him old enough to tell the court which parent he would prefer to live with for their consideration. On another note, your ex will likely take up with another woman at some point, and that likely won't fair well for your son.

Again, take your son and get out of the house during the filing stage, and stay out until the divorce is final or at least until your husband leaves the house, whichever comes first.

Once the divorce is final, the visitation and support arrangements can be modified.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> So if uncontested that is the ONLY document filed, it must specify who gets what and have ALL of that decided before the papers are presented to him (IF those rules apply to my state)? I am confused on presenting him with papers without his knowledge I have been to an attorney. I thought we were both going to try and agree on what terms got put in those papers. How can that happen if I have already been there FIRST?


Yes, in my state the petition has everything in it. In my case, we had agreed on all of that before I filed. We had an attorney draw up what we had agreed to -- which was the petition only and not to represent either of us -- and then I made some changes to the petition myself and he agreed. After he and I finalized the petition together I signed it and went to the courthouse and filed it. He then waived service of the petition, which would have been given to him by a process server if he hadn't waived service, and instead agreed to sign an acknowledgment of service. His part was done by acknowledging service. 

I represented myself at the hearing without an attorney. He didn't attend. A week or so later the final decree was signed by the judge.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Also -- In my state, children at 14 can tell the judge which parent they prefer to live with and then the judge agrees or not. At 16, the child decides and judge isn't involved unless the other parent decides to involve him.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@LilMissSunshine, 

You sound a bit confused about the process, so in VERY simple terms, here are the steps of a divorce:

1. A divorce starts with a divorce petition.
2. The petition (or the divorce papers) must be served on the other spouse. 
3. The respondent can file a response to the petition saying he or she agrees. 
4. Temporary Hearing (judge says how it will be until the trial)
5. Disclosure by both parties
6. Mediation (to agree on as much of The Agreement as you can)
7. Submit The Agreement to the court:
Custody-Child Support (if necessary)
Use of marital home
Use of vehicles
How to separate assets and debts
Alimony
7. Trial (if necessary) or Wait 90 days and finalize the divorce. 

The FASTEST a divorce can be is if you and your STBXH agree on everything now and file the petition and agreement as co-petitioners. If you do that, from the date you file co-petitioner to the date the judge can sign, there must be 90 days. Usually one person petitions, and the other spouse disagrees and is the respondant...and if that's the case, then there is often a month or more between each step, so a divorce can take a long time to finalize.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LilMissSunshine said:


> VERY good information and I had not thought about a DV shelter - I still struggle to consider this DV since it isn't physical, though I know it is. I do work and can be mostly self-sufficient. We own our home and had already discussed me buying him out and keeping it. I don't know how that would work if I moved out. I do need to talk to the attorney, for sure.................I am getting so nervous about this. I don't think he is going to be aggressive with me, since he seems to have little regard to me leaving. But I am going to be diligent and AWARE and at a minimum, have a couple of different options lined up (plan a, plan b, and even a plan c). THANK YOU for this. Lots of things I did not think of!


One of the reasons to have a VAR on you at all times. For evidence.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I would wait until you are able to separate until you hand him the divorce papers. Living together once you have done this will be awful for you and miserable for your child. That's what I thought you were going to do, get it all planned out and then divorce him once you are ready to leave. I was separated for 2 years before I divorced, what's the harm in waiting till you are living away from him and then what ever he does cant affect you. 

I don't see the point of doing it now unless you are going to actually leave him. I know several couples who tried the old 'living in the same house while divorcing' and it doesn't work. 

As for your son, who is presumably what, 16? 17? He is practically an adult and quite old enough to decide who he wants to live with. I would want to stay with any child I had mind you. Or maybe he can stay with both of you at different times in a shared custody arrangement.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Your husband has an atrocious temper. You take away his maid and cook (you) and the idea he will have to pay child support and alimony AND that you saw a lawyer? He, my dear, will lose his ever loving ****. I think you underestimate him but I could very well be projecting my own past abusive relationship on to you.

My vote is to talk to the domestic violence center and have them help you make an exit plan. You should not tell him your plan and continue to live with him for one minute, hour, or day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I missed the part about your son. WHY in the world would you just let him go with his dad like that? Is there some reason you dont want him with you?

You will have to pay support if that's how it goes. Can you afford that??


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I know I must sound really clueless. I think I get the pepper spray, but why the VAR??? I know he will be loud. Is there a reason I should get a recording???


Because people lie a lot. If he tries to attack or strike you, you will have an audio recording. If you have to pepper spray him, you have audio proving it as in defense and not an attack in case he tries to say otherwise. I don't know the laws in your state but either way I would have some sort of protection on you if he's abusive. Pepper spray is a great option. It WILL stop anyone. There's no getting around the pain. But its temporary with no lasting damage. Every girl should have pepper spray. Its inexpensive and extremely effective. $10 bucks. Worth every penny.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Are you going to use an attorney? If so, meet with them and get their advise. If there are assets you think he might not be willing to split I would recommend hiring an attorney. Have all the household goods divided out HIS and YOURS by pictures on paper so you can show him how you would like things split up...all that can be negotiated. Have your guideline as to whether he leaves or you leave your current home and if the house will need to be sold. You need to figure this all out yourself beforehand and have it on paper. If you have joint accounts (investment)....how will you split that? Don't leave it to him. You decide how you want it and have it on paper. If you have not been the financial keeper of the family then start digging. be fair and show on paper how you want to split things equally. 

I will tell you there is no "right" time to spring the words and when you do he won't think you are serious. Try to avoid any holidays and special occasions but once all is settled in your mind how you want to see it plan out find a time to meet with him to talka nd then represent everything to him. This is what I did, I hired an attorney to back me. He drug his feet and as hard as it was for me to live in that house for 6 more months I managed. Been free now for 2 1/2 years...best decision I ever made!!!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I do not know what the back story is behind your decision to divorce. But one thing pops out. First, even though you have threatened to leave several times you haven't followed thru, yet you are basing your current plan of action on past arrangements which were never kept. So you imagine, you will get to stay in the house because that was agreed upon in the never completed threats that you made before.
I think, you should consider the fact that you are the one deciding to actually leave. Regardless of the reasons you have made that decision. I think you should consider that it is rather irrational to ask him to leave, when you are the one actually deciding to leave. 
Now this may all work out for you, or it may not. But if you are deciding to leave, then you should make arrangement for you to leave and not just expect him to leave because of something he had agreed to in the past based on your idle threats.
So make arrangement for you to leave, if he does decide to leave instead, you do not have to follow thru on those arrangements.
The while thing sounds like expect to get what you want. You may eventually get all that and more, and that would be a pleasant surprise but it should not be your expectation. Expect the worst and plan for it. Then anything good that happens will be a positive.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just because he told you to not get an attorney before starting the process, does not mean you have to do his bidding.

It's OK to make your own decisions regarding the divorce.

I highly recommend that you consult with an attorney before filing and having him served.

And get your finances together. Ensure that your rightful resources are not drained out of the bank account, for example.

Good luck.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Your husband has an atrocious temper. You take away his maid and cook (you) and the idea he will have to pay child support and alimony AND that you saw a lawyer? He, my dear, will lose his ever loving ****. I think you underestimate him but I could very well be projecting my own past abusive relationship on to you.
> 
> My vote is to talk to the domestic violence center and have them help you make an exit plan. You should not tell him your plan and continue to live with him for one minute, hour, or day.


Read your response from my phone this morning along with some of the others and actually was going to call the center and talk it through with them. You will see from my other post, HE confronted me before I even got close to being able to initiate a conversation with him. Take a look at the "Selfish" post if you want to see what was discussed. It has thrown me for a loop. BUT YES, I was - and still will - call the DV center.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Because people lie a lot. If he tries to attack or strike you, you will have an audio recording. If you have to pepper spray him, you have audio proving it as in defense and not an attack in case he tries to say otherwise. I don't know the laws in your state but either way I would have some sort of protection on you if he's abusive. Pepper spray is a great option. It WILL stop anyone. There's no getting around the pain. But its temporary with no lasting damage. Every girl should have pepper spray. Its inexpensive and extremely effective. $10 bucks. Worth every penny.


That makes sense. I didn't think of it like that, but makes perfect sense! Thank you for pointing something I would have never thought o!


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> I missed the part about your son. WHY in the world would you just let him go with his dad like that? Is there some reason you dont want him with you?
> 
> You will have to pay support if that's how it goes. Can you afford that??


He has told me before that he would put up a fight for custody of kids (irrelevant now with oldest child who is almost 20). I have reached my limit of being able to put up a fight. I don't think I could handle what he would dish out. AND, he does well with my son, I truly feel he is better off with his DAD as a teenage boy - knowing that there will be no mistreatment (and I feel good that there will NOT be).


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> @LilMissSunshine,
> 
> You sound a bit confused about the process, so in VERY simple terms, here are the steps of a divorce:
> 
> ...


Are the "agreement" and the petition two different things or the same document??? THANK YOU for the step-by-step guide. I am a visual person and helps seeing it all laid out like this. Better seeing it here in an organized fashion than jumbled around in my brain not really knowing what all of these different moving parts and pieces are!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Don't take this the wrong way but people who have been in abusive relationships have often had their sense of reality and their sense of ability and agency stripped away and reprogramed. 

They have almost been brainwashed by their spouse into believing many myths and nontruths that have been told to them by their abusers over the years and do not have a grounded sense of what separation/divorce/living on their own really entails. 

As a previous poster said, it is the most dangerous period of time physically and it is also a time of change and transition and many victims will cave-in at the first sign of conflict or resistance and many will believe the abusive spouse when he/she says that they will never see the children again or that they will live pennyless and die alone or that they are simply incapable of surviving on their own without the abusive spouse. 

Many have been controlled and dominated for so many years that they do not believe themselves capable of leaving or living on their own and many do not think things through thoroughly and do not seek the appropriate professional and financial assistance required to make the break and get away before things turn ugly and then they end up dropping the divorce proceedings and dropping the separation in an attempt to avoid conflict and avoid further unpleasantness. 

Then things become worse for them because their abuser has essentially "called their bluff" and the abuser further strips away their financial resources, further isolates them from friends and family and people that can help them and watches them closer and controls them more to keep them from getting any further ideas of leaving. 

If you are serious about wanting to get away for good, you are going to need to seek the assistance of an experienced divorce attorney who specializes in abuse cases and seek the assistance of DV shelters and DV protective agencies and follow their advice and recommendations which will often be to have all your ducks in a row and almost all details in place and away from the abuser before he is served. 

My recommendation is get assistance from a DV shelter, get an attorney (often the DV shelter will have a list of attorneys that work with abuse victims and have worked with the shelter previously) and then follow their advice and direction.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> He has told me before that he would put up a fight for custody of kids (irrelevant now with oldest child who is almost 20). I have reached my limit of being able to put up a fight. I don't think I could handle what he would dish out. AND, he does well with my son, I truly feel he is better off with his DAD as a teenage boy - knowing that there will be no mistreatment (and I feel good that there will NOT be).


I feel this is something that should be left up to your son. Its possible you may cause him emotional damage by just, handing him off to his father like that.. he may think you dont want him around. A boy needs his MOM too. Even if your H would try to put up a fight, I dont see a court going against what your son prefers. This is something you really need to put more thought into, for his sake. I know I would have destroyed my daughter if I decided she was better off with her dad and made her live with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've lost track of the number of kids on here who, given a chance to choose, picked the "EASY" parent - the one who let them do whatever they wanted, have fun, throw parties, etc. - only to realize 6 months later that the 'easy' parent was a putz and selfish and harmful. And often moved back in with the "hard" parent who they finally realized really loved them.


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