# Left my wife even though I love her!!



## WalkingOwl (Jan 7, 2021)

New to this forum and basically just in a big awful emotional mess. I have friends and family as support but some neutral perspective maybe will help?!?
Get a cuppa and a biscuit cause this is going to be one long post as so much to the story that’s needed to give it perspective, I will try and keep it’s as short as possible.
So we met in 2010, I was a year out of a messy situation that left me in depression for a while and split from my kids mum. My wife had been separated from the father of her 2 kids for a couple of years. I knew her and pursued her as she is stunning looking and I basically won her over with a series of dates and romantic gestures.
It was love from the start, the sex was amazing, we had fun, the kids all got along!! It wasn’t long before I moved in with her, we then sold her house and bought one together. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as when she agreed to marry me in Cyprus 2015 with loads of our friends and family, it was perfect and we both had good jobs, a lovely home and everything to look forward to.
The red flags had started already but were easily dismissed as everything was going so well. One night she really flew off the handle at a friends party and made a show saying I’d been looking at another woman, it was far from true, I never had eyes for anyone else?!? She had trust issues, her dad had left her mum then her mum moved away for a man leaving her with her dad and step mum. Her dad later died and she hated her step mum saying she had took all her dads money and was always horrible to her. I never knew anymore than the bits I picked up because all these subjects were off limits.
Anyway, 6 months after the wedding our world was ripped apart when I was diagnosed with life threatening cancer at 41 (she was 44 at this point). We got through it and she was my rock, but also I noticed had started to fall out with my friends early in our relationship but at this point started finding reasons to fall out with my family. She had a big fall out with my parents about flying off to Australia whilst I was ill and even convinced me how bad it was. They had gone to see my brother and I’d had to push my mum to go as I knew she was torn. Then next my brother felt her rap when he came home as a surprise during a community fundraiser we had done, again I was made bad for not taking her side (I just wanted everyone to get along).
My work meant I was at home more than her and often did all the chores and cooking plus looking after her kids more than my own. I didn’t mind it, we was a family. But it was soon obvious this was all one way. She never built any relationship with my kids whilst I treated hers like my own. Plus nothing was ever done right, the ironing wasn’t good, I’d not cleaned the toilet, I wasn’t dressing very smart, I bought the wrong clothes, I’m putting weight on etc etc
I was constantly walking on eggshells, wanting to make her happy, wanting to be a good husband but whatever I did was never enough!! New mulberry bag, eternity ring all the requests kept coming and the only way for peace was to buy them. Our income was good but with 4 kids 2 cars and a big house we had to be shrewd so I would try and juggle the finance and do separate accounts for bills, savings etc. I held the cards as she had often got in debt in the past, I was told this was controlling.
Whenever there was an issue her best friend would come round, they was very similar in attitude and I would often here them slagging of her husband or me, my kids, a mutual friend or someone at work. They was never wrong and always managed to convince each other that everyone else was to blame for them regularly changing jobs, falling out with family or a friend.
Her daughter was now a adult and would sit in on these chats and then I noticed her become very dismissive and disrespectful of me, calling me controlling and all the things her mum would try and make me feel. Then my daughter started to become a target, her step dad had a brain tumour to go with my cancer and for a kid of 11 these things made her a bit withdrawn. She is a genuinely sensitive and loving girl and I felt the anxiety for her when she was around my wife and daughter.
Lots of situations or stories I could tell but the gist of it was that I wasn’t being shown the love, respect and appreciation I felt I deserved and was always giving to her. But worst of all it was now spilling over to my kids go really needed me. I was constantly being undermined to her kids which eventually meant they had no respect for anything I said as they new their mum would have their back not mine. 
In April I had reached breaking point, funny thing is we never had blazing rows about it and most of the time was really happy, as long as I was playing the role she had chosen for me. I hardly ever went out with my mates and would often feel dread if I did cos I know it would kick off her insecurities. I never though stopped her doing anything, not once. 
She would sometimes say she felt we didn’t do enough together and she felt lonely and like she couldn’t talk to me. I tried to understand these things and work on them but I honestly couldn’t see what more I could do, I felt I was giving my all and all I was getting back in return was criticism.
In April I had had enough, I told her I was unhappy and though I loved her I had to leave for my sake and my kids. I wanted her to show me some love, some understanding, to have a realisation. But she couldn’t get the house in the market quick enough and said she was unhappy too as I never listened to her or spent time with her etc. I had to follow it through now and within 3 months I was in a flat and the house was sold.
We then got in really well for a while and without the family dynamics in the way we was soon having amazing sex again and getting along well. I started talking about how we could make it work if we compromised and worked together. This was all dismissed and the focus was back on me not being a good husband, always being grumpy and moody, never listening etc etc. I tried to work on these things again, spent every minute I had spare on taking her doing the things she loved, walking, meals out, cooking for her. But only I was compromising, she was again oblivious to any blame or any criticism would be met with anger or turned into a put down of me or my parenting.
One night after I’d turned down meeting my mates to take her out for an Indian about 3 months ago was the last time I saw her. She spent the whole night criticising me, flirted with another man in the pub then acted all shocked when he was flirting back. I lost it, put the bloke in his place and after going home and receiving more negativity I walked her home and told her it was never going to work and walked off.
She looked shocked but didn’t again try and resolve or understand. A month later I found out the cancer had returned!! I got a text asking if I was ok and if I wanted her to go with me to the hospital. I said no and that my parents were there and she then turned nasty saying I hope they are going to support you this time rather than leaving you to go to Australia. The very next day I received a email asking me for a divorce and the form to fill in. I didn’t respond, I had enough going on and was really struggling with lockdown, cancer and now a divorce.
I left things for a while, I went out walking, spent time with friends and got my positive vibes back and started treatment that hopefully will see me back in the right path. I heard nothing, only from her son who said he missed and loved me, we was always very close.
One day I asked if we could be friends via text and maybe she could look and understand my points and reflect a bit on what and why. It quickly descended into a slanging match again that was made to look like I was attacking her and I was soon blocked on phone text and social media by her the daughter, family and even the dog?!? Only the son was allowed to stay in touch. The parting shot was that I was to pay for and sort the divorce as she couldn’t afford too.
I know the marriage is over, for my kids sake I could never go back. She won’t take any responsibility for any of it and not only am I now dealing with the cancer, lockdown and starting my life again I’m also saddled with the blame and guilt for “walking out on our marriage?” 
I do think she loved me, but now I think it’s easier for her to hate me. My friends and family all think she was a control freak with issues stemming from her dad and ex and that I never stood a chance of “fixing” her. I just can’t help feeling hurt and lost and hoping she has a realisation and at least gives me peace in my head that it wasn’t my fault, that I did all I could.
I don’t know why I’m sharing all this or even what I hope to hear, just maybe somebody who understands. Cos not many people have to leave someone they still love..


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think you are taking ENTIRELY too much blame on yourself for this. You did a TON of things, and nothing was (or would EVER BE) good enough for her.

She OBVIOUSLY has FOO issues, and perhaps a bit of Personality Disorder -- fear of abandonment, but then gets uptight if you are too close.
It seems like you actually are in a MUCH better place. Be close to your kids, stay in touch with the son if you want, most of all take care of yourself! I wouldn't worry much about her at all. She is going to continue to bad mouth you -- the only thing you can do is correct that with YOUR friends and family. As for her friends, etc. -- who really cares -- you won't be around them any more.

I would just make sure that YOU are not on the hook for any debt she runs up since you have been separated -- run that by a lawyer. As for the divorce, worry about that on YOUR schedule, not hers. You don't need to be friends with her, you don't need to deal with her other than the divorce, so just leave it at that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WalkingOwl said:


> felt I was giving my all and all I was getting back in return was criticism.


Seems quite accurate.



WalkingOwl said:


> she was a control freak with issues


Also quite accurate.



WalkingOwl said:


> hoping she has a realisation and at least gives me peace in my head that it wasn’t my fault, that I did all I could.


Fuhgedaboudit.....ain't never gonna happen.... do what you can to put peace in your own head. @jlg07 has this completely right. for people like her, I am married to one of them, nothing is ever good enough. There's always something wrong with it, wasn't soon enough, wasn't good enough, needed to be more.... etc, etc, etc. I have learned to say "it's not my problem".

Take JLG's advice. It's good advice.


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## WalkingOwl (Jan 7, 2021)

Thanks both for your replies, what is FOO??
I’ve managed to sort all financial ties and issues already, all that’s left is the divorce as she had a prenup in place before marriage, that should have been a red flag but just thought it was her being sensible. I’ve walked away with very little but enough to start again and money has never been a major player for me, got a decent job that gives me what I need. To be fair I had walked into it with nearly nothing because of buying and selling my previous house at completely wrong time where as she had had her ex over a barrel (another red flag).
My friends and family are completely clear on what’s happened, even more so than me so don’t need convincing. Her friends are mostly limited to the one who is like her double, they feed off each other.
I’ve been told by friends I’m being too hard on myself, I am always quite self critical, that’s probably the complete opposite of her and why she was able to keep it going for so long. My friends say the silence is because she knows she’s lost control?!?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think that at some point it might be a very good idea for you to really think about why you still "love" a woman who has been treating you as you describe. 

A good therapist may be able to help. Figure out why you ignored the red flags you now say you saw early, and then continued to put up with this for nearly a decade. You are either actually attracted to this type dysfunction, or you need to apply some criteria other than just good looks and amazing sex when considering potential future partners. Probably both. 

Work on your self-esteem. Work on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Learn about what a healthy relationship actually looks like. Learn to be a happy, emotionally healthy, stable person with good boundaries. Do all that before you even think of attempting to meet another woman to share a relationship with. It's time to fix your picker.


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## WalkingOwl (Jan 7, 2021)

Rowan, your probably right on the majority of those points. I’ve worked in mental health for a long time and I would say as a friend, work colleague, son, father and team mate I’m as balanced and together as anybody could wish to be.
Whoever, throughout my life I’ve always been what I would probably call “shallow”, I know it and your right, much more important things than looks and sex. I can’t break the cycle though?!? It’s what I’m attracted to constantly and then I try/hope I can work with the other things!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you married a shallow golddigger, honestly, and a spoiled one. She seems to have no interest in supporting you through cancer. She wants expensive things all the time, like that is the price you pay for admission, that and doing a lot of the home maintenance. It sounds to me like you were infatuated with her looks and would say or do anything to keep having sex with her, but that you didn't really know who she was until recently. And now you do. Run. Don't marry on looks next time. You have kids to consider.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WalkingOwl said:


> New to this forum and basically just in a big awful emotional mess. I have friends and family as support but some neutral perspective maybe will help?!?
> Get a cuppa and a biscuit cause this is going to be one long post as so much to the story that’s needed to give it perspective, I will try and keep it’s as short as possible.
> So we met in 2010, I was a year out of a messy situation that left me in depression for a while and split from my kids mum. My wife had been separated from the father of her 2 kids for a couple of years. I knew her and pursued her as she is stunning looking and I basically won her over with a series of dates and romantic gestures.
> It was love from the start, the sex was amazing, we had fun, the kids all got along!! It wasn’t long before I moved in with her, we then sold her house and bought one together. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as when she agreed to marry me in Cyprus 2015 with loads of our friends and family, it was perfect and we both had good jobs, a lovely home and everything to look forward to.
> ...


I think you pretty much have a handle on it. Don't take the blame, seems like you gave it a shot. Sometimes things just don't work out. It is reasonable to be sad but don't take all of the blame. Again it's really not uncommon for two really exceptionally moral people to not work out. That is just the way it is, and no one is to blame. In this case it seems like your wife's history presented some real problems.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

WalkingOwl said:


> what is FOO??


Family Of Origin -- stuff THEY did to mess her up....


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

One kind of FOO - 

Enable a child......disable an adult.


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## WalkingOwl (Jan 7, 2021)

I think it’s just not having the closure that I’m struggling with and for some reason a niggling doubt that I got it all wrong and she’s already found someone else.
It’s keeping me awake at night, she’s gone full no contact on me, I know this cause in my weak points for some reason I look through social media to try and find out what she up to? But nothing, thankfully I suppose cos I’m not sure I’m ready to stumble across the evidence of a new man/life.
I also think it’s unfair that so can so easily hate/blame me and not even take any responsibility! Meanwhile I’m daily torturing myself over every word and action and what they meant, analysing what I could have done better or different. 
Going to be a long road I reckon!! I’m doing all the things I know to keep occupied, hiking, writing even learning the guitar. But it’s a constant cloud at the moment. Yet in my head she is partying away with a new man!!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

WalkingOwl said:


> I think it’s just not having the closure that I’m struggling with and for some reason a niggling doubt that I got it all wrong and she’s already found someone else.


Not having closure is bad, I know for experience, but I can also tell you you only need time. And stop feeling guilty. **** happens.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WalkingOwl said:


> I’m daily torturing myself over every word and action and what they meant, analysing what I could have done better or different.





WalkingOwl said:


> She won’t take any responsibility for any of it


When you cone to the end of the introspection, you will find a large component of what prompted your words and actions was the "red flags" exhibited in your wife's behavior. A few things, maybe you could have done better, and you will work on yourself to overcome those. But, most of them? You will find that you acted and spoke in accordance with what you understood as right, and what you thought would benefit your marriage.



WalkingOwl said:


> I would often here them slagging of her husband or me, my kids, a mutual friend or someone at work. They was never wrong and always managed to convince each other that everyone else was to blame for them regularly changing jobs, falling out with family or a friend.


You will also find that the "friend" played a huge role in this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She needs major counselling, give her what she wants and move on. There is someone out 5here who will love you for you. You are still young enough to start again.


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