# Considering bringing up reconciliation (not soon)



## sweetchild8908

I have been with my husband for 3 years, but just recently tied the knot (Sept 2)and now he wants out without even trying. Should I even try to bringing up reconciliation? I drove from Tennessee where I am stationed (I'm in the Marines) to come talk to him and he is not budging, he is convinced that it will not work without even giving it a chance. I'm falling apart. We have one child together and I refuse to put her through this. I don't want to pressure him into anything but I would like to bring it up as an option.  I made a promise that I want to keep. Marriage is an extremely meaningful step in life that I refuse to take lightly. I am stuck.... A little advice please.


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## cisco7931

Your situation somehow sounds just like mine. 

If you ask me, Reconciliation can't happen if only ONE is willing to work on it. 

What drove the two of you to this decision? Sometimes it just sucks that only one is willing to honor marriage and the other one is forced out of it and take other actions...


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## that_girl

Why did he marry you then? 

I'd just get it annulled. The man has issues.


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## HerToo

What is his reason? Did he have an affair? Something's missing or stinks.


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## sweetchild8908

He says we argue too much. He decided hewanted out about a week ago. I asked him if there was anybody else and he got defensive raising his voice telling me no. @HerToo -I've been thinking the same exact thing. This sucks....


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## somuchinlove

sweetchild8908 said:


> I have been with my husband for 3 years, but just recently tied the knot (Sept 2)and now he wants out without even trying. Should I even try to bringing up reconciliation? I drove from Tennessee where I am stationed (I'm in the Marines) to come talk to him and he is not budging, he is convinced that it will not work without even giving it a chance. I'm falling apart. We have one child together and I refuse to put her through this. I don't want to pressure him into anything but I would like to bring it up as an option.  I made a promise that I want to keep. Marriage is an extremely meaningful step in life that I refuse to take lightly. I am stuck.... A little advice please.


I feel exactly the same way about my marriage. My H told me about a month ago that he wants out of the marriage. It turns out he has some deep rooted mental issues going on. At this point, I don't know where we stand. Trying to save my marriage has become everything right now because marriage is very important to me. It is something that I also take very seriously. All I can tell you is that the road you are on is long and dark. There are new twists and turns everyday. Stay strong in whatever decision you make and use this site to help you through it. Good luck!


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## golfergirl

You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Have you ever been in a relationship where you wanted out and the other person is telling you they'll do whatever you want and splitting isn't an option? It doesn't make you feel loved or cherished, it makes you feel suffocated and desperate to get out at all costs. The only chance one has is to go dark and move on. Be someone they are scared to leave on their own because you are so vibrant, busy and dynamic that they worry someone else will see that in you and snap you up. If you are a sniveling, quivering, begging mess, they aren't worried about losing you, because frankly, you are unattractive. They need to worry that others find you attractive and that they could lose you.
It's a sucky place to be and unfortunately you have to detach before they see your worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sweetchild8908

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kekel1123

cisco7931 said:


> Your situation somehow sounds just like mine.
> 
> If you ask me, Reconciliation can't happen if only ONE is willing to work on it.
> 
> What drove the two of you to this decision? Sometimes it just sucks that only one is willing to honor marriage and the other one is forced out of it and take other actions...


Thats what Im wondering too.... When you get married, its a mutual decision and when one wants out, the other one is either forced to agree and kinda selfish...IMO


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## kekel1123

golfergirl said:


> You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Have you ever been in a relationship where you wanted out and the other person is telling you they'll do whatever you want and splitting isn't an option? It doesn't make you feel loved or cherished, it makes you feel suffocated and desperate to get out at all costs. The only chance one has is to go dark and move on. Be someone they are scared to leave on their own because you are so vibrant, busy and dynamic that they worry someone else will see that in you and snap you up. If you are a sniveling, quivering, begging mess, they aren't worried about losing you, because frankly, you are unattractive. They need to worry that others find you attractive and that they could lose you.
> It's a sucky place to be and unfortunately you have to detach before they see your worth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Thats the manning up! I tried that and continue to do it but sometimes I fell but I am trying to stand up again, But the feeling of manning up its so good , sometimes im wondering I might get used to it and dont look up on what are my real intention of doing so....


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## Longingforhome

I couldn't disagree more. Although i'm going through a separation, i absolutely disagree with them at all costs. I'm okay with couples being pushed to a limit and having to do what is in there best interests to exact change, understand what they want, or get themselves grounded. In my separation my actions were what pushed my wife to leave. I've spent everyday working day and night to improve myself. I love the man i've become and will soon be bringing this to my wife, as a matter of fact i have already, now i'm allowing time to do it's thing. 

But when you marry, have children. Playing mind games does nobody involved any favours. How can you go out and "be that happy, loving, connected person" the kind of person that everyone else around you wants to have in your life. I understand they call it detaching, i know what it is, i just 'personally' don't believe it does anyone any good. 

If you have to manipulate someone into loving you, it's not really reciprocal. I apprecaite taking some to grow and work on yourself but i'm not personally willing or wanting to spend 6 months to a year of my life waiting for someone to love me. I'm willing to spend forever working on a marriage, growing myself, healing together. But for me personally i'm not capable of walking around pretending everything is okay when it's really not. That doesn't mean that i'm not happy right now, just that i'm not entirely fulfilled. My wife will make her decision, work through our issues after a respectable cooling off period, or divorce. Neither is easy, but i'm not going to chase someone around who doesn't want to be with me forever. In my case, i know my wife loves me, i've just had to be man enough to face the things i did to myself, my wife and my marriage that broke it apart.


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## ghostchaser204

Longingforhome said:


> I couldn't disagree more. Although i'm going through a separation, i absolutely disagree with them at all costs. I'm okay with couples being pushed to a limit and having to do what is in there best interests to exact change, understand what they want, or get themselves grounded. In my separation my actions were what pushed my wife to leave. I've spent everyday working day and night to improve myself. I love the man I've become and will soon be bringing this to my wife, as a matter of fact i have already, now I'm allowing time to do it's thing.
> 
> But when you marry, have children. Playing mind games does nobody involved any favors. How can you go out and "be that happy, loving, connected person" the kind of person that everyone else around you wants to have in your life. I understand they call it detaching, i know what it is, i just 'personally' don't believe it does anyone any good.
> 
> If you have to manipulate someone into loving you, it's not really reciprocal. I appreciate taking some to grow and work on yourself but I'm not personally willing or wanting to spend 6 months to a year of my life waiting for someone to love me. I'm willing to spend forever working on a marriage, growing myself, healing together. But for me personally I'm not capable of walking around pretending everything is okay when it's really not. That doesn't mean that I'm not happy right now, just that I'm not entirely fulfilled. My wife will make her decision, work through our issues after a respectable cooling off period, or divorce. Neither is easy, but I'm not going to chase someone around who doesn't want to be with me forever. In my case, i know my wife loves me, I've just had to be man enough to face the things i did to myself, my wife and my marriage that broke it apart.


Excellent post! I am in the same situation. Wife gave me the ILYBNILWY speech over the Summer on her 40th bday. It was not a phase and she proceeded at lightning speed and initiated a divorce. We separated and I got my own place. I prayed on it allot, did my own IC , got new hobbies, male friends, got in shape, read tons of books, became a different guy. I am kind and generous with her and the kids. I have changed and initially it was for her but I realized it was for me. She has taken no blame or accepted her cause in the deterioration in the marriage. She refused counseling and she told me "I want to find a guy which is my soul-mate and gives me butterflies when I see them, you and I are just friends" and "I need to be my own person, I have been Mom for so long". I am not putting any time frame on anything for reconciliation. 

Here is the thing as each passing week goes by and I get to know and like myself I don't know if I want to go back with her attitude of intransigence. We were married 18 years and she was non affectionate after the kids came, I had to always initiate sex(My fault duh), she did just try and act like friends most of the time. Do I want to go back to that? We don't have any memories like some others do of wild romantic days. It was we found each other when were were in our early 20's her coming out of a first marriage broken and lonely and me coming off a broken engagement. We never really had that kind of chemistry you need.

I have begun dating and have been out on 10 dates so far with about 7 different women. No to sound all full of myself but they are incredulous that my wife was not crazy about being married to me. I am reasonably good looking, in shape, intelligent, have most of my hair..hehe..make a good living, charming and confident. I met one woman in particular we have been dating for 2 months and I feel for her like I never did my wife, and we have not gotten physical. 

Could things with my wife change, who knows. My wife is a stunning in shape 40 year old woman, and I am sure when she decides to date will be single for 5 minutes. I would like to court her again, but right now her heart is hardened and that makes me think if it is even worth it.


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