# How to break through the numbness



## beautygirl1881 (Aug 18, 2013)

So I'm completely at a loss as to whether I should keep trying to save my marriage or just walk away. I'm literally just unable to feel anymore I think. I've cried and screamed and hated so much for so long that I think I'm just out of emotion to feel. I made an appointment with a counselor for myself this coming Thursday, I'm hoping she will be able to help me decide what the right thing to do is. It's like I'm viewing my situation from somewhere else now, I feel completely disconnected. I gave my husband a 2nd ultimatum yesterday. I told him that if he doesnt make a significant change by the end of the month I want him to leave. He has been unemployed for 4 months now and is barely looking for a job (I used to stay home with our son who's now 3 and do makeup freelance on the side. I've now had to take a full time job and turn down many good paying makeup jobs including a movie to make sure we can pay rent) He doesn't listen/pay attention/respond to me on a daily basis; has actually told me that he doesn't understand WHY he has to respond to everything I say. (Um RESPECT??) We both have been getting violent with eachother when we fight, I feel like we bring out the worst in eachother. And he has a porn addiction. That started out as one of our only problems and is still a problem but now in addition to everything else. It used to bother me sooo badly, I found it horribly offensive and would cry and beg him to not do it but he never thought it was a big problem. I tried to make him understand that it SHOULD be a problem to him simply because it made me sooo upset, but he never seemed to really get it. Today I noticed something had downloaded to his phone because I saw the notification at the top and asked him about it casually. He suddenly got all nervous and tried to say he had no idea what it was, maybe it was an update or something. Then it hit me that it was obviously porn. So I just said "ok well I'm not stupid, I know that was obviously porn that you downloaded. And it's not helping our marriage." He apologized. But i stayed totally calm through it. It barely even bothers me, it's just a numb sinking feeling. I don't even really care anymore, and I think that may a worse sign that anything else. :/ Honestly, the only reasons I havent kicked him out is because he's a built in babysitter for our son and our 10 year anniversary is in less than a month. Stupid reasons I know. But I feel awful that I just am not in love with him anymore. The guilt is really the only thing I feel anymore. I think I'm looking more forward to seeing the therapist so that she can validate that we shouldn't be together rather than help me want to work things out. Is that wrong??


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## beautygirl1881 (Aug 18, 2013)

Oh one final big thing. We have smoked marijuana since we met 13 years ago. Today is day 1 of quitting. I've never believed that smoking pot was really bad, I am definitely in favor of legalizing it just like alcohol and cigarettes. But just like either of those can be bad for you, pot has now become bad for me. Recently, I've been high all the time because I've been so miserable and it helped me not have to feel anything. Also my husband has undiagnosed untreated ADD and being high just makes it worse. Finally, if it was just me smoking (and not miserable) I could keep the expense under $100/mo. With both of us, it's over $300. And it's crap because I have to pay for it since he makes no money.


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