# time together = relationship strength?



## gssteve

Fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years with a 22 month old son. Knew of each other in high school for years from mutual friends. Started talking while she was in college. So basically we were dating for 2-3 months then she got pregnant. Got engaged about 5 months into dating. Now we are having problems, I'm doing my best to work things out for our family. Yes things were rushed but it seemed like things happened for a reason and we were blessed with our wonderful son.

Questions is do you think the period of time known has an effect on whether or not the relationship will last? or does it just take hard work and the willingness of two people...


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## waiwera

I believe having a longer dating time/engagement give both parties the chance to get to know the other person in good times and bad... nice to see how your potential spouse deals with a head cold/stomach virus, bathroom flooding, lost dog/car keys etc... don't you think?

It takes time to understand a persons views on raising children, dealing with family, division of chores, finances, religion, politics, sex, lifestyle... and these issues will come up every single day.

A longer time together before marriage gives you time to really get to know and understand that this is the person you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. I think it's the biggest decision we make in life...along with whether or not to have children.

But you ARE married... so move on... I would suggest the book 'His Needs Her Needs'. I believe every young couple should get it along with their marriage certificate. I've been (mostly) happily married for 23 years and i still read it from time to time...to remind me of whats important in life and marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous

gssteve said:


> Fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years with a 22 month old son. Knew of each other in high school for years from mutual friends. Started talking while she was in college. So basically we were dating for 2-3 months then she got pregnant. Got engaged about 5 months into dating. Now we are having problems, I'm doing my best to work things out for our family. Yes things were rushed but it seemed like things happened for a reason and we were blessed with our wonderful son.
> 
> *Questions is do you think the period of time known has an effect on whether or not the relationship will last? or does it just take hard work and the willingness of two people...*


 I am one who tends to feel *Compatibility* is a great statistical indicator of marital success (in a variety of areas)....this generally gives a smoother ride anyway.... or 2 people who are as stubborn as nails willing to work hard & climb mountains to iron out their differences & keep at it... it always takes 2 !

Generally, the more TIME you take to DATE...and learn of each other, the good, the bad, the ugly....the clearer this "Compatibilty" will come.... 

One of the examples I gave in this thread - regarding sex - is exactly where you found yourself... moving too fast, sex can bond (and sometimes pregnancy results) BEFORE a couple has taken that Sweet time to get to know each other deeply, each's flaws, quirks, motivations, dreams & how they handle communication/ conflict....all of it...

Take a moment & read through these areas .... how much do you have in common...what are you struggling with today...??









Excellent Book mentioned in above post >> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*


 Maybe you & her could sit down and write out your lists in the order of importance .....your top 5 specifically...and hers....with the goal of working to fulfill each others "love tank"......

Here are work sheets you can print out







 Emotional Needs Questionnaire


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## Mavash.

It takes hard work and the commitment of both. 

Married after dating 1.5 years - together 23 years now.


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## relationshipsguide_gal

You're absolutely right on the hard work and willingness or commitment part  Taking time though before having sex, baby, and getting married though has benefits.. On the other hand, since you're already there on the family stage, you can work together with your partner on how you can manage, improve, and/or maintain the relationship. Always and always, it takes 2 to tango  

I believe that Love can be learned  Who knows you will realize soon enough that you've already learned to really really really love your spouse or partner, that it's actually something really special and not just physical  

BTW, congrats on your baby. Great decision to keep him  Well wishes, mae (relationshipsguide_gal)


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## firefly789

My parents met each other and were married 3 weeks later. I've never thought of them as the impulsive types, so I still don't understand 3 weeks! Their marriage lasted 48 years until my mom passed away. I wouldn't say they had the happiest of marriages, but they were both determined to keep it together. I dated my husband almost two years. We've been together 23 now. In the end, I think it is hard work that prevails whether you dated a short or long time. 

Hopefully, she is also willing to work on it? We still have to work on our marriage. Everyone hits rough patches. I'm starting to read the 5 Love Languages. What things are you doing to help your marriage?


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## LoriC

Met and married 8 months later. Together 22 years next month.


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## RClawson

Engaged after two months and married after 5 months. Way to soon. That being said here we are 27 years later fighting the good fight! 

It is worth fighting for Steve although it is likely going to get tougher before it gets easier. Roll with the punches, let the little things slide, always be humble and remember what it was that drew you to her initially. Was it just a fleeting thing or did you think "This is someone I want to share my life with".

When I was first engaged to my wife I told her I was not marrying her for the person she was then as much as the person I believed she would become (wife, mother, person etc). She was annoyed back then be now she just smiles when I remind her and I know she thinks "He was a pretty smart guy back then".

If you are not communicating concerns now you are missing the boat.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

Personally I think your time table was rushed but that is just ME.

IMO some people are too eager to start having sex when what they ort to be doing is TALKING to each other. Taking the time to work out if they are compatible / share similar long term goals / ideas. I know that it is hard not to rush for the home plate but it could save heart ache in the long run.

Having said that there is no reason your relationship can not work if you both want it bad enough.
It always takes two people to make a relationship work, neither of you can do it all on your own.


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## romantic_guy

I think in most cases, yes, because you can get to discover your areas of compatibility. Like I said, most. We met in September when we were 15 & 16. She got pregnant in April and we got married in July. We have been married for 40 years. It turns out that we are very compatible. That is not to say that it has been easy. We read and continue to read books, including some that have already been mentioned. We also received counseling. It can be done, but BOTH people must be willing to do the hard work.

Another book I might suggest is, "The Couple Checkup." It includes an online diagnostic test that shows the areas in your relationship that need the most work.


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## Caribbean Man

gssteve said:


> Fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years with a 22 month old son. Knew of each other in high school for years from mutual friends. Started talking while she was in college. So basically we were dating for 2-3 months then she got pregnant. Got engaged about 5 months into dating. Now we are having problems, I'm doing my best to work things out for our family. Yes things were rushed but it seemed like things happened for a reason and we were blessed with our wonderful son.
> 
> Questions is do you think the period of time known has an effect on whether or not the relationship will last? or does it just take hard work and the willingness of two people...



Yes it does.

But all is not lost in your situation , neither is it unique.
Many people have dated for much longer periods before they were married and still ended up divorced.
There are no guarantees,
But the good news is, your problems ARE SOLVABLE.
What is important is if both of you are willing to work on the problems in your marriage , and getting the right resources..

The fact that you are here shows that you are willing, which is good.
Best wishes on your marriage.


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## Convection

gssteve said:


> Questions is do you think the period of time known has an effect on whether or not the relationship will last? or does it just take hard work and the willingness of two people...


The first factor you listed may be an indicator but isn't a requirement. No marriage will survive without the second no matter how long you've known each other or how compatible you are.


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## See_Listen_Love

gssteve said:


> ...
> Questions is do you think the period of time known has an effect on whether or not the relationship will last? or does it just take hard work and the willingness of two people...


Hi, in my opinion the time has not much to do with it.

Also not 'hard work', a work of love, yes that you need to want to do.

For the moment your willingness is enough. If you can hold on to this thread, you will succeed. 

Try to make it a problem that is engaged by the two of you together. Instead of a problem that you fight each other over. This change of perspective will make a big difference.


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## Jellybeans

gssteve said:


> Questions is do you think the period of time known has an effect on whether or not the relationship will last? or does it just take hard work and the willingness of two people...


Has no bearing on it. What makes it last is a committment from both parties to stay together.

This can be good or bad. Good for good relationships. Bad for bad relationships where people just stay together because they can't imagine anything else. (i.e. abusive, etc).


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