# Lost Love of Life (im a Jerk)



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I dated her 3 years. After 1.5 years we started argueing over how she delt with her ex-husband. The ex is a cop. She was easily manipulated and he did it often. I tried to help but should not have. Anyway, the last year I broke up with her many times and we would get back together. I ended it 2 months ago thinking the grass would be greener. I dated someone and as each day goes by, I miss her more and more. I called her and she has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. 
I obsessed over stupid **** when we were together, I tried to control her. I don't know why other than she was failry easy to manipulate. I took advantage.. Looking back she was a great girl and I will have a very hard time replacing her. I have been crying day and night. Im a damn mess and Im a jerk bc I don't deserve her. She tried so so hard to make things work. I was just being a bully. I want her back so so bad and the pain will not go away. Ive dated a couple women and it doesn't matter how great they are,, I think of my ex. I feel she was supposed to be my "rocking chair buddy". She had this WOW factor whenever I saw her. She was very beautiful bt also carried herself well. 
I spoke to her and she has zero feelings bc I broke it off so many times. She is DONE and I hear other women say that when they are done,,,its done for good.
Is that true??


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Yes.

Accept that relationship is done. For many reasons.

When you reflect back on how your participation in the destruction of a relationship, that signifies personal growth. You have been changed by the situation. And that's a really good thing.

You just have to acknowledge it, and keep moving forward. To go backward defeats this purpose. Although it hurts, let go. Let that personal growth carry forward into your next relationship and do not make the same mistakes. Learn and grow.

Look back with fondness, not with regret.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You weren't compatible together. Yes, she sounds like she is done.

When we try to control someone, they are not the "love of our life." We love ourselves and our petty desires more than we love them, or else we'd stop trying to have so much control. Found this out the great way - by meeting the love of my life.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I wouldn't say it'd be true for every woman out there but it'd be true for me. Actually, the first break up would've been it for me. I've no patience for people stuffing me around.

If she got back with you the lesson would be unlearned. You'd probably go straight back to the same old script. Probably a good thing for you she's done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No matter how much WOW she has, she's not a good match for you. Like you said, she was easy to manipulate so you took advantage of that. The woman for you is not who would not take that the first time you tried it.

You broke up with her many times. Why? Because you were actually not that happy with the situation. You did not like who you were in the relationship with her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your girl was easy to manipulate AND she had a relationship with her ex....that's a cop?

Sounds to me like you did the right thing to break it off for good.

Unless there is a child involved, and child related relationship only, I would never date ANYONE that had relationship with their EX. 

Screw that.

OP, the feeling you have right now WILL go away in time. Don't worry. It can take few months, even a year, but whatever you do, don't contact her cause ANY contact will = reset of healing.

Also, during this time, stay away from other women until you are completely over your ex. You do NOT want to end up like your ex and still have feelings for them while in a new relationship > rebound.

You did the right thing and it SHOULD hurt if you loved her. This is all completely normal.

Time is your friend.

Do your best to divert thoughts about her and also do LOTS of physical activity during this time (sports etc).....it will do WONDERS for you.

Good luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rep said:


> I don't know why other than she was failry easy to manipulate. I took advantage..
> 
> Im a damn mess and Im a jerk bc I don't deserve her. She tried so so hard to make things work. I was just being a bully.




That sucks. 
So now you know to treat people who love you with kindness. 
You could try to reach out to her again and plead your case, and if she gives you another chance, you must absolutely not manipulate her "because she's fairly easy to manipulate" (egads!) and actually do things that show you aren't bullying her.

As for your question - yes- I find when a lot of women are done, that's it. Because many women put up with a lot of things sometimes before they hit their threshold. But... you won't know unless you try.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think I remember your story -- you kept getting involved in her issues with her ex over child support or something? 

Let her go. I don't care how great she looks (and virtually every male mentions that) she's just not for you. You both need to find someone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok. I went through all of your old threads, Rep, and this ha always sounded like a one-way relationship. 

You hadn't mentioned bullying her before or manipulating her before (which is not good ever) yet all your other threads about her scream that you are not happy with her.

Was she actually divorced when you guys got together?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

This is probably a blessing in disguise. If you have had so many problems in a relationship and weren't happy, you are simply lonely for good times. They will come back with someone else who is better suited to you. Just be patient.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

This is all great advice. I made more out of our issues than I should have. I would never budge ,, it was my way or the high-way. I did reach out to her but she has moved on. I apologized for manipulating and frankly abusing her. She just wanted love. I wanted control.
She accepted my apology,, we both cried a lot but she is done.
I do believe she was my love and I was a jerk.
I look back and wonder what the heck did I do and why ??
Power, control?? I just want to hold her now.
It's hard to breathe and make it thru the day. I'm sure with time I will heal but for now it just sucks. I wish she believed me and that I recognized my errors.
Thanks for all the great advice. Everyone says I'll meet someone but I live in a place where it's very hard to meet people, esp quality people. I'm a single dad and it's so hard to meet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are so down.

If she has moved on, then you need to, too. I know, easier said than done.

Take the lessons you learned from this experience when you start a new relationship.

Spend some time single and date yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, you can't unring that bell. Yes, it hurts and it may hurt for a very long time. But you do have to go on. As suggested, use it as a learning experience of what not to do going forward.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Wish I could stop looking at her pics and thinking of her. I want to buy a ring and just go to her house and propose.
The only reason I don't is other women say that when a women is done,, there done.
She doesn't return text or answer calls.
I need to stop looking at her Facebook but I just can't.
I wish she could see that I've learned and have that special love back like we used to have . 
I told her my door is always open and to call me for anything,, even if she needs to talk.
I'll always be there. I would climb mountains for her. 
I wish she could see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

rep said:


> Wish I could stop looking at her pics and thinking of her. I want to buy a ring and just go to her house and propose.
> The only reason I don't is other women say that when a women is done,, there done.
> She doesn't return text or answer calls.
> I need to stop looking at her Facebook but I just can't.
> ...


She *is* done. And so is the relationship. I know that hurts like hell right now (been there, done that), but you need to accept it. You have no control over how she feels, what she thinks or her decisions. You need to respect that, too. And whatever you do, do NOT go to her home and propose or beg for her to take you back. You'll be setting yourself up for even more humiliation.

On the other hand, you say you've learned some valuable lessons. Please reflect on them and use them going forward. And as Jellybeans said, date yourself for now.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

rep said:


> I dated her 3 years. After 1.5 years we started argueing over how she delt with her ex-husband. The ex is a cop. She was easily manipulated and he did it often. I tried to help but should not have. Anyway, the last year I broke up with her many times and we would get back together. I ended it 2 months ago thinking the grass would be greener. I dated someone and as each day goes by, I miss her more and more. I called her and she has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me.
> I obsessed over stupid **** when we were together, I tried to control her. I don't know why other than she was failry easy to manipulate. I took advantage.. Looking back she was a great girl and I will have a very hard time replacing her. I have been crying day and night. Im a damn mess and Im a jerk bc I don't deserve her. She tried so so hard to make things work. I was just being a bully. I want her back so so bad and the pain will not go away. Ive dated a couple women and it doesn't matter how great they are,, I think of my ex. I feel she was supposed to be my "rocking chair buddy". She had this WOW factor whenever I saw her. She was very beautiful bt also carried herself well.
> I spoke to her and she has zero feelings bc I broke it off so many times. She is DONE and I hear other women say that when they are done,,,its done for good.
> Is that true??


Done is done, but that is not your problem:

From this I get you have mental illnes, see a doctor about it. The same stuff you can read in threads here, but then from the opposite view. OCD, PTSD, etc. 

Repair that as far as possible, then try a new relation.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

rep said:


> I dated her 3 years. After 1.5 years we started argueing over how she delt with her ex-husband. The ex is a cop. She was easily manipulated and he did it often. I tried to help but should not have. Anyway, the last year I broke up with her many times and we would get back together. I ended it 2 months ago thinking the grass would be greener. I dated someone and as each day goes by, I miss her more and more. I called her and she has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me.
> I obsessed over stupid **** when we were together, I tried to control her. I don't know why other than she was failry easy to manipulate. I took advantage.. Looking back she was a great girl and I will have a very hard time replacing her. I have been crying day and night. Im a damn mess and Im a jerk bc I don't deserve her. She tried so so hard to make things work. I was just being a bully. I want her back so so bad and the pain will not go away. Ive dated a couple women and it doesn't matter how great they are,, I think of my ex. I feel she was supposed to be my "rocking chair buddy". She had this WOW factor whenever I saw her. She was very beautiful bt also carried herself well.
> I spoke to her and she has zero feelings bc I broke it off so many times. She is DONE and I hear other women say that when they are done,,,its done for good.
> Is that true??


Take what you learn from this and move on. Improve in your future relationship. If you don't get over her you will affect all your other potential relationships.

Clear out your baggage. Find a counsellor if you need to clear out baggage you don't know how to clear prior to meeting other women.

Good luck. Ce la vie....life goes on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

rep said:


> Wish I could stop looking at her pics and thinking of her. I want to buy a ring and just go to her house and propose.
> The only reason I don't is other women say that when a women is done,, there done.
> She doesn't return text or answer calls.
> I need to stop looking at her Facebook but I just can't.
> ...


You need to get rid of her pics.

Stop texting/calling......block her!!!

You do not want this woman lingering. If she contacts you, your healing is reset, and if you are already in another relationship....it will be risky if she does reach out.

End it for good.....besides, if you truly feel that you abused her, you simply don't deserve her and would let her go.

It's time to move on....or dwell on this crap forever. Learn from this, become a better man and treat a woman proper next time around.

To be honest with you, even if she came running back.....would you really want to take a woman that allows to be dominated like that?

Something to think about.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Speaking as a female, my experience in life is that I will put up with a great deal -- more than I should -- but eventually I reach the tipping point and I'm done and I don't look back. That door is closed forever. 

Don't make yourself look ridiculous to her. You had your shot and it didn't work. Accept it and move on. I'm sure she has.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

rep said:


> This is all great advice. I made more out of our issues than I should have. I would never budge ,, it was my way or the high-way. I did reach out to her but she has moved on. I apologized for manipulating and frankly abusing her. She just wanted love. I wanted control.
> She accepted my apology,, we both cried a lot but she is done.
> I do believe she was my love and I was a jerk.
> I look back and wonder what the heck did I do and why ??
> ...



don't buy in to there being "the one" love of your life. i think you should start your new partner search immediately. will make you feel better. 

sorry to hear you live in a place where meeting people is hard. But...this is the age of the internet and therefore meeting people is orders of magnitude easier than in the past. in that sense there is almost nowhere on earth where meeting people is "hard" - not like it used to be.
by meet people I obviously mean meet via web, phone, skype etc. following up in person is critical so I take your point there. but in terms of an introduction I think the new tools can be exploited to a pretty significant effect.

if you are flexible and focus on it I bet you will meet someone in the near term that matches or exceeds the 'one and only - ness'
of your ex.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry to hear you are so down.
> 
> If she has moved on, then you need to, too. I know, easier said than done.
> 
> ...


JB:
why should he date himself? This is common advice that I've never understood. Given his state of mind I think the quickest way for him to move on, to get his mind off his ex and stop obsessing on her, would be to get right back in the dating mindset and start to meet new people.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> JB:
> why should he date himself? This is common advice that I've never understood. Given his state of mind I think the quickest way for him to move on, to get his mind off his ex and stop obsessing on her, would be to get right back in the dating mindset and start to meet new people.


The point of that advice is so people can try to correct their issues and not carry them into a new dating relationship. And learn to be alone for awhile and not depend on someone else for company.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rep said:


> I want to buy a ring and just go to her house and propose.


So after you treated her like crap and manipulated her, now you still want to manipulate her to get her back. You probably don't see it, but manipulation is a form of control. And now that you realize you blew it, you are engaging in magical thinking. Why? Because you want to control the outcome of this.

Guess what? You can't. But you are indulging in all this misery in order to make an attempt to get her to change her mind. C-o-n-t-r-o-l.



rep said:


> She doesn't return text or answer calls.


Of course she doesn't ... she is done. But you aren't. So you are trying to force yourself on her to get her back. Ugh.



rep said:


> I need to stop looking at her Facebook but I just can't.


Well, if you enjoy wallowing in your own misery, then by all means go for it.

But you just can't stop looking at her Facebook page? Please. You can't control vomiting/diarrhea when you have food poisoning, but looking at her Facebook page? 

What I'm getting from your post is you love drama. First it was make-up-and-break-up while you were in the relationship. Now that it's over, you switch to I'm-going-to-drive-myself-crazy-with-unrequited-love. 



rep9740890 said:


> I'll always be there. I would climb mountains for her. I wish she could see it.


As I read this, I could see those model babes with the tight black dresses and huge lipstick red lips dancing behind the late Robert Palmer:

"Might as will face it, you're addicted to love."

Get help. You are emotionally very immature. Figure out why you played this out the way you did. With a professional.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So even if you improved yourself and could be less controlling and a better person with her, that doesnt change the fact that she still has her manipulative XH in her life. All other things aside, THAT remains, staring you in the face. You two will never work. Leave her be. 

Oh, and as far as women being DONE goes...I can only speak for myself, but YES, once I am done, I am DONE! I ended two marriages, and in both cases, there was not a single solitary thing that either one could have said or done that would have made me change my mind. I had hit my limit. So respect that for her.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

You sure she's not just became the 'love of your life' now because this time she's moved on and isn't going to take you back this time? 
really from your posts it sounds it may be more of a sorrow of losing control over her.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Op

Is it possible you find her much more desirable now that she's unattainable? I think you should trust your feelings about her when she was attainable.....I.e. not so much


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You didn't minimize what was happening before - you are looking back through rose-tinted glasses. 

You have issues to resolve. Most of these responses on dead-on. You need to delete any photos, unfriend her, stop glamorizing what you had. She IS done. Stop trying to manipulate her into taking her back. Even if she did, you would loose respect for her and it would all happen again. 

Focus on being a better YOU. Get counseling, resolve your issues, be as good of a father as you can and be alone for a while. You'll be ready for another relationship when you don't NEED one. This pitiful sniveling and whining is very unattractive and would be to her, too.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

It's over. Move on. If you truly love her let her go and find happiness. In the meantime you work on yourself and get into therapy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> It's over. Move on. *If you truly love her let her go and find happiness.* In the meantime you work on yourself and get into therapy.


True love is not selfish, OP. It is much more about giving than getting.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

If you need another person in order to be happy, your setting yourself up for failure. Your probably not ready for a relationship right now.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The only reason you aren't buying a ring and going to her to ask her to marry you is because you have heard that this means she is done.

Yet you're obsessing about this because you want to prove that you *can* regain control of things. It's not love that you're feeling. It's powerlessness. I'd encourage you to find new sources of powerful feelings instead of fighting a losing battle. You are not ready to love again when you fantasize about asking the woman you supposedly love to marry someone who you admit was abusive to her.


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