# Husband is sleeping on the couch and not speaking.



## brown2017 (Jun 1, 2018)

hello everyone!

DH and I have been married just over a year but together for five years. In the last few months since we purchased our house, I’ve been a terrible wife. I’ve been mean and disrespectful and unappreciative, something I’ve realized in therapist just this week. A few*days ago, I said some things I shouldn’t have said including calling him lazy and accusing him of not contributing to the household responsibilities. I neglected to look at it from his perspective, instead I just took it all out on him. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and we discussed what went wrong on my end and how I’m feeling and what I should have done. However, my husband isn’t speaking to me and has voluntarily spent the last three night on the couch after saying he needs time and space to cool off and process. The first day of not speaking to me, I got frustrated and snapped about how rude it was. The second day, I apologized over and over and told him how much I love him and what I had done wrong. We’re on to day three now, and I’m so alone and I feel so sick. I get what I did and my therapist and I are working on ways to appropriately express how I’m feeling without attacking him, but I don’t know what I should do today or how long I should allow him his space to handle three months of mistreatment from his wife. Even though I commit to changing my behavior, if he’s shutting me out I can’t get through to him that I’m changing it. What do I do? I can’t take the silence anymore.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

brown2017 said:


> hello everyone!
> 
> DH and I have been married just over a year but together for five years. In the last few months since we purchased our house, I’ve been a terrible wife. I’ve been mean and disrespectful and unappreciative, something I’ve realized in therapist just this week. A few*days ago, I said some things I shouldn’t have said including calling him lazy and accusing him of not contributing to the household responsibilities. I neglected to look at it from his perspective, instead I just took it all out on him. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and we discussed what went wrong on my end and how I’m feeling and what I should have done. However, my husband isn’t speaking to me and has voluntarily spent the last three night on the couch after saying he needs time and space to cool off and process. The first day of not speaking to me, I got frustrated and snapped about how rude it was. The second day, I apologized over and over and told him how much I love him and what I had done wrong. We’re on to day three now, and I’m so alone and I feel so sick. I get what I did and my therapist and I are working on ways to appropriately express how I’m feeling without attacking him, but I don’t know what I should do today or how long I should allow him his space to handle three months of mistreatment from his wife. Even though I commit to changing my behavior, if he’s shutting me out I can’t get through to him that I’m changing it. What do I do? I can’t take the silence anymore.


My suggestion. Dependent on who leaves first in the morning. Write him a heartfelt note with basically what you said here. That you are sorry, you realize what you were doing, what you have taken for granted and you are getting help with it and you want him to be part of that process. - Call to action would be that you hope you could talk about it tonight, when he is ready

If you leave in the morning first, put it somewhere where you know he will see it and can digest it through the day. If he leaves first, maybe put it in his car.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

What would us "haphazard" husbands do???

Get a dozen roses, bottle of favorite drink (wine, whiskey, other...)
A real nice card with a big I LOVE YOU in it somewhere...

And a really well thought letter to him with the good things in your marriage and relationship. The good things about him. And the good things in the future you are looking forward to having with him.

Remorse begins when you can see how he is hurting and how you see what you did to cause it. By you imagining how you would feel if he had done the same thing to you. And by you placing yourself in his spot, and his reaction to your behavior. Letting him know that you are taking an active approach in making HIS life better with therapy and counseling can give a glimpse into a better future WITH you.

Acknowledge HIS pain and disappointment so he feels heard and understood can help. Best of luck.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

brown2017 said:


> hello everyone!
> 
> DH and I have been married just over a year but together for five years. In the last few months since we purchased our house, I’ve been a terrible wife. I’ve been mean and disrespectful and unappreciative, something I’ve realized in therapist just this week. A few*days ago, I said some things I shouldn’t have said including calling him lazy and accusing him of not contributing to the household responsibilities. I neglected to look at it from his perspective, instead I just took it all out on him. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and we discussed what went wrong on my end and how I’m feeling and what I should have done. However, my husband isn’t speaking to me and has voluntarily spent the last three night on the couch after saying he needs time and space to cool off and process. The first day of not speaking to me, I got frustrated and snapped about how rude it was. The second day, I apologized over and over and told him how much I love him and what I had done wrong. We’re on to day three now, and I’m so alone and I feel so sick. I get what I did and my therapist and I are working on ways to appropriately express how I’m feeling without attacking him, but I don’t know what I should do today or how long I should allow him his space to handle three months of mistreatment from his wife. Even though I commit to changing my behavior, if he’s shutting me out I can’t get through to him that I’m changing it. What do I do? I can’t take the silence anymore.


It sounds like your husband has found his limit and established a boundary, and only because you don't like that he is not taking your abuse anymore that you apologized and made that appointment with your therapist.

Consider yesterday your first day of your "new self." It will take more than 2 days for your husband to believe that you have changed.

You berated him for months. Give him some space. If you truly respect him you will allow him whatever time it takes to calm down and want to be vulnerable or trust you again.

Pestering him because you "can't take the silence" will only prove that you are still only thinking about your own wants and needs.

The notes are a nice idea, but your actions over a long time....months....are what will prove to him that you have realized you have been wrong and that you have truly changed.

I would commend him for getting fed up with your treatment after several months, and not allowing himself to be treated that way for years.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> It sounds like your husband has found his limit and established a boundary, and only because you don't like that he is not taking your abuse anymore that you apologized and made that appointment with your therapist.
> 
> Consider yesterday your first day of your "new self." It will take more than 2 days for your husband to believe that you have changed.
> 
> ...


Exactly, it's going to take time with actions to be the real solution here but the note was my recommendation to setup the open line of communication to start the process.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I love all these points they all work together also, the note to soften him and open the communication and a commitment to changing behavior in the future. I think it will definitely get him to talk. Then you can makes some commitments and a plan to stick with them. I suggest finishing the discussion with a really good blow job. Just kidding (not really)


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

i Say just give him time and space. In the mean time you act like a considerate adult and work on yourself. It's going to take him more than a few days to forgive your crap.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

brown2017 said:


> hello everyone!
> 
> DH and I have been married just over a year but together for five years. In the last few months since we purchased our house, I’ve been a terrible wife. I’ve been mean and disrespectful and unappreciative, something I’ve realized in therapist just this week. A few*days ago, I said some things I shouldn’t have said including calling him lazy and accusing him of not contributing to the household responsibilities. I neglected to look at it from his perspective, instead I just took it all out on him. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and we discussed what went wrong on my end and how I’m feeling and what I should have done. However, my husband isn’t speaking to me and has voluntarily spent the last three night on the couch after saying he needs time and space to cool off and process. The first day of not speaking to me, I got frustrated and snapped about how rude it was. The second day, I apologized over and over and told him how much I love him and what I had done wrong. We’re on to day three now, and I’m so alone and I feel so sick. I get what I did and my therapist and I are working on ways to appropriately express how I’m feeling without attacking him, but I don’t know what I should do today or how long I should allow him his space to handle three months of mistreatment from his wife. Even though I commit to changing my behavior, if he’s shutting me out I can’t get through to him that I’m changing it. What do I do? I can’t take the silence anymore.



Words are generally meaningless in this situation. Your actions will speak louder than words. You may hear silence for sometimes. Your actions must back up your plan to change.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Right now he is probably thinking he made a huge mistake marrying you. 

What do you think? Were you ready for marriage? Were you ready to live with another person farting, and sometimes leaving messes and using your toothbrush? Because that is what marriage is. 

Some people are not cut out for it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I love all these points they all work together also, the note to soften him and open the communication and a commitment to changing behavior in the future. I think it will definitely get him to talk. Then you can makes some commitments and a plan to stick with them. I suggest finishing the discussion with a really good blow job. Just kidding (not really)


OP there is definitely something to this. As a several year poster and reader on TAM, I've read over and over about men who succumb because of this kind of treatment a lot faster than they do to talking.

Even men whose wives have have done worse than you will melt at her touch, unless he has been forewarned to stay away from her so he can stick to his guns.

To finish him off, you could make him a sammich afterwards. (Just kidding!)

Then keep being the "new you" you have promised him you are becoming.

But *do not* do all this unless you are really, truly sorry and committed to change. Otherwise you will be doing nothing more than manipulating him so your own life will be easier.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP, you might want to read two books. The first is Gary Chapman's the 5 languages of love. The second is Sue Johnson's Hold me Tight.

Many men respond better to non-verbal communication than to talk. That is being touched in a loving manner or positive facial and body language can send a message of being loved and cherished far more than the worlds "I love you." 

You crossed a line, you know it, now you need to work on rebuilding the relationship and you need to make your H feel loved and cherished by you. He may be gun-shy at first, but if you work at it, especially in his languages of love (Chapman's book), he will come around.

Good luck.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Have you discussed with your therapist your need to control, and what the source may be?

This may seem personal, but it is very relevant: were you ever a victim of abuse or sexual assault?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You do what he has asked -give him space. Sounds like you acknowledge your mistreatment, but you expect him to just snap out of the sadness that you put him in. Give him space, stop apologizing and begging, and try to work on yourself. That is how you'll show him that you're sorry, by actually listening to what he wants.


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