# A Positive Thread.



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

This thread is for both BS and WS. What have you done, or are you doing to improve yourself and your life....after the affair?
To avoid any misunderstanding. If you are a WS, I am NOT interested in excuses or blame shifting. If you are a BS, I am not interested in your affair horror story, or how evil your WS is or the OM/OW.
So what are you doing to better yourselves?:smile2:


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I used the post-affair/post-divorce time to self-reflect about what I should improve on for my next relationship. For me a big area that needed improvement was that I am not naturally the best at expressing my emotions to a partner, but instead always tried to be the "rock" in the relationship. I've been working on that by self-reflecting and also expressing myself with my friends and have made big improvements. 

I'm also doing more things for me such as spending more time outdoors, pursuing hobbies, working out more, eating healthier, saving more money, going on more trips, strengthening my relationships with my family and friends, giving more time and patience to my kids. 

One other big thing I did for myself was I let go of the anger towards my XWW. I don't need it holding me back and feel much happier now that I can focus on my kids and myself, rather than her. We have a cordial relationship now, which is exactly as it should be and I'm satisfied with it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Reading. I read 5 LL and did the quiz with wife. Recently finished Not Just Friends. Currently reading HNHN. Started reading the marriage books in bed so that I am next to wife instead of in another room. 

Kissing wife each morning when I leave for work. 

More date nights with wife. 

Trying to be less critical and trying to control my anger/shouting. 

Rejoined the local gym to help de-stress. 

Started IC

Next up: 

Want to significantly reduce my TAM time and devote that extra time to wife. 

Buying a new SUV so that wife, dog and I can take plenty of weekend road trips. They make wife happy.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Forgot to mention that I'm also meeting new people and going out more. No relationships yet (I'm just not at that point where I can commit to one) but I have a date with a woman that's much too young for me coming up soon


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

coming to the realization that i was engaging the wrong women.
as the song goes 'looking for love in all the wrong places'.
giving my affections to the wrong people and gaining more confidence in myself.

realizing that it takes a lot of effort, and then a lot of luck and providence to meet the right person.

i did that, and now i'm a much happier person. that happy person was always inside of me, but now there is no longer 
a struggle with dysfunctional people and drama. i didn't really change myself all that much, only to mature somewhat, to
learn more about women, be more discerning and then to get 'lucky'.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> I used the post-affair/post-divorce time to self-reflect about what I should improve on for my next relationship. For me a big area that needed improvement was that I am not naturally the best at expressing my emotions to a partner, but instead always tried to be the "rock" in the relationship. I've been working on that by self-reflecting and also expressing myself with my friends and have made big improvements.
> 
> I'm also doing more things for me such as spending more time outdoors, pursuing hobbies, working out more, eating healthier, saving more money, going on more trips, strengthening my relationships with my family and friends, giving more time and patience to my kids.
> 
> One other big thing I did for myself was I let go of the anger towards my XWW. I don't need it holding me back and feel much happier now that I can focus on my kids and myself, rather than her. We have a cordial relationship now, which is exactly as it should be and I'm satisfied with it.


Letting go of my anger was huge for me as well. To be fair though, my ex wife did a HUGE amount of work on herself, which made it easier.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Reading. I read 5 LL and did the quiz with wife. Recently finished Not Just Friends. Currently reading HNHN. Started reading the marriage books in bed so that I am next to wife instead of in another room.
> 
> Kissing wife each morning when I leave for work.
> 
> ...


Gym time and sports in general seem to be a popular choice for stress relief.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> coming to the realization that i was engaging the wrong women.
> as the song goes 'looking for love in all the wrong places'.
> giving my affections to the wrong people and gaining more confidence in myself.
> 
> ...


One thing that I did, was to examine what I wanted in a woman, and looked for them based upon that criterion. If all I wanted was sex, I looked for sex. If I wanted relationship material, I looked where I might find it. Luckily, I finally found both in the same Gal.:grin2::grin2:


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

Realizing I need to take a split second to think if what I'm about to say is selfish. In the process of learning that I can lead my family without controlling them.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Thru research, counseling, and self examination, I learned how to and regularly practice behavior that demonstrates that I love, cherish, and appreciate my W. 

I have also learned how to be more open, honest, and express myself when I like something and when I don't like something. I have encouraged my wife to do the same. 

During our examination and case study of why our marriage got off track over 10 yrs ago, she indicated that she felt uncared for, felt abandoned, and was unhappy. While granted, this sounds exactly like the cheaters script. But just in case it was true, she now has positive tools to communicate her displeasure properly. She can never again say that she can't talk to me about our problems, but can find a way to talk to the OM's penis up close about it.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Looked after my appearance.

Took up golf and playing pool as activities to do with H.

Disclosed my own A.

Put the focus back on H and I as a couple rather than on the adult children.

Went on antidepressants which enabled me to do the above.


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## CthulhuLives69 (Mar 14, 2016)

We divorced (I'm the BS), spent the next 12 years deep in a bottle not taking care of myself and getting fatter and fatter(3-4 baconators a week) and drunker and drunker.

Oh right positive...

Stopped drinking Nov 2014 cold turkey, Started working out and eating properly in July 2015. Lost 60 lbs since July 2015. Feel f-ing amazing. Two small setbacks was the drinking and eating gave me Type2 diabetes and even though I look great and feel great it didn't stop my heart attack back in Jan. I'm all good now. Back to where I was before the attack.

I only wished I had pursued the gym instead of hitting the bottle. When people tell you to hit the gym to work out your frustrations instead of drinking them away it's for a VERY good reason.


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## Vikings (Feb 3, 2016)

I'm a BS and it's been 10 weeks now since D-day. The pain is not as intense, my mind is thinking clearer, I'm focusing on being a better person to myself through exercise and working harder on my business, also focusing more on my son, giving him more attention and quality time with me. It's been rough on him, watching his mother and I fight over the infidelity, me being distracted by the marriage problems and not focusing on him. 

I've had some great weeks now with him and working on myself. I don't know what my WW is going to do, and I'm not going to worry or think about it or monitor her. I'm just going to focus on my son and myself. 

Since I made the decision and actually was able to make the mental switch from being obsessed about my WW to focusing on me and my son I have been much happier, and I sleep and eat normally now. 

Not sure what the future holds for my marriage, but as of right now I'm in a much better place mentally since d-day and will survive this either way.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Self reflection
Working out
Eating right
Lost 40 pounds
Found TAM
learning about relationships

Now that I am much better then I was, I have put more time in to my family as a whole. I have since become a better father as I heal more. 

For the boys we get ice cream once a week at baskin robins, provided they do their said chores. I take them grocery shopping, car shows, fishing, each month to Home Depot for kids projects, well, I just spend every moment I can with them. My wife and I have renewed our faith in God, date nights, walk at night with the boys. 

It's getting better each day, even though I still have moments of sadness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> So what are you doing to better yourselves?


Dating attractive women who are into me and give me ample sex.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

what has been instrumental in saving us has been our lake home, we purchased it last summer/fall. the entire winter we have spent working on it together. We build and renovate very well together - during our married life three houses and one major renovation. Working together using our strengths has helped us literally build something we both put our hearts into. It's like a rebuilding of a marriage, almost. 
I create and he negotiates. I am big picture and he is details. What I dream up he makes even better. I can do technology (we have our lake house for rent on VRBO) and he is the financial guy. 
This weekend he was frantic, trying to get too much done. I said let's just think for a while. And, we're here to relax too. So we did, he apologized, everything fell into place. I said there is a solution, it just hasn't presented itself yet. We just need to wait. Waiting is hard for us. But I learned, though all this, that sometimes we don't know the answer until it's time.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

betrayeddad said:


> dating attractive women who are into me and give me ample sex.


cheers!


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

nursejackie said:


> Looked after my appearance.
> 
> Took up golf and playing pool as activities to do with H.
> 
> ...


I hope it works out for you


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

CthulhuLives69 said:


> We divorced (I'm the BS), spent the next 12 years deep in a bottle not taking care of myself and getting fatter and fatter(3-4 baconators a week) and drunker and drunker.
> 
> Oh right positive...
> 
> ...


Thank you.....the voice of experience. Good Luck!!


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yep, isn't it amazing how this works? The more you concentrate on the important things like your kids and yourself, the better life gets. The more you concentrate on the affair, the WS and the OM/OW, the longer it takes to heal and the worse life is. Funny that.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Yep, isn't it amazing how this works? The more you concentrate on the important things like your kids and yourself, the better life gets. The more you concentrate on the affair, the WS and the OM/OW, the longer it takes to heal and the worse life is. Funny that.




As one that is considered a negative person or that I dwell on the negative, guilty as charged. Sometimes you need someone to point out the positives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Rookie4 said:


> This thread is for both BS and WS. What have you done, or are you doing to improve yourself and your life....after the affair?
> To avoid any misunderstanding. If you are a WS, I am NOT interested in excuses or blame shifting. If you are a BS, I am not interested in your affair horror story, or how evil your WS is or the OM/OW.
> So what are you doing to better yourselves?:smile2:


Improving my golf game. I am down below scratch at age62. Starting strength training to gain distance and control.
Also,rescued two stray cats and found homes for the young female' s litter.
Traveling a lot with my GF. Approaching great wealth having settled a number of big cases. Boning up on identifying Cluster B personality disorders to avoid involvements in business with these types.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Origami.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Worked on setting up the house to be a good, welcoming and relaxing environment for my adult and nearly adult children. 
Therapy and reading to learn more about my role in the dysfunctional dynamic that existed between XW and I. 
Joined a few social groups, started dating. 
Now dating a woman exclusively who is fun, nurturing and understanding of the crazy in my life (aka XW)


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Origami.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you do interior decoration , as well? Perhaps you could get work as a wedding planner? I hear that it is a growth industry.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Maxo said:


> Improving my golf game. I am down below scratch at age62. Starting strength training to gain distance and control.
> Also,rescued two stray cats and found homes for the young female' s litter.
> Traveling a lot with my GF. Approaching great wealth having settled a number of big cases. Boning up on identifying Cluster B personality disorders to avoid involvements in business with these types.


 Well, I'm 50 and I can't seem to hit the ground. If I practised more, like I did in the service, I COULD be an OK golfer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nothing. I'm perfect. It's all her fault. If I was any better, I'd likely get kidnapped by drooling women all over the place. 

I cook, clean, spend more time with my kids (ok, it's partly because I've been forced to)
I work out more and take care of my appearance and dress better. 
I try to remember to put others needs before my own and not be so selfish.
I listen to little things my gf says, realizing now just how important they are.
I have learned to control my temper (already had made huge improvements long before the divorce)
I look for character issues in people I trust, and tend to stay away from low character. Noticeable effect on temper problems, LOL.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I left the ex. I focused on ME. I am living life, taking names, and doing counseling (of ocurse )


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Really, I can do Origami. I can take a piece of notebook paper, fold it in intricate and cunning ways, so that it resembles an airplane, and will actually fly!!! And who says that I have no manual dexterity?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Rookie4 said:


> Well, I'm 50 and I can't seem to hit the ground. If I practised more, like I did in the service, I COULD be an OK golfer.


You have time. Fly me to the Bahamas and I will teach you.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't need to be taught, I need practice. As soon as I am back on my feet, I will TRY to go out twice a week (wishful thinking)


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I do things for myself - I.e. traveling cross-country and internationally just to do it, to expand my horizons

I'm getting treatment for my E.D. (>10 years with anorexia nervosa) along with dialectical behavioral therapy and cognitive therapy

After D Day (few years ago now) I went back to school for a new career, and now make enough $$ to easily support myself if it becomes necessary

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I hadn't spoken to my brother in almost 10 years. I also hadn't seen or spoken to his oldest daughter, my goddaughter in almost as long. 

I was able to repair those fractured relationships. 

I'm working less, trying to enjoy free time, that's a work in process, I've learned I suck at home improvement projects and my golf game still sucks >


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Zanne said:


> Hmmm... not sure if I'm qualified to answer since some people may consider me still in an affair. However, I live with my AP and we are starting a life together.
> 
> What have I done to improve myself? Well, after ending a long term marriage, I needed time to reflect. My self reflection has been ongoing for the past four years or so. IC was also helpful during this time. It has been a slow progression to better self-awareness.
> 
> ...


Zanne, you are as welcome here, as any other poster. This thread is about lifestyle improvement, not about judgement.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

honcho said:


> I hadn't spoken to my brother in almost 10 years. I also hadn't seen or spoken to his oldest daughter, my goddaughter in almost as long.
> 
> I was able to repair those fractured relationships.
> 
> I'm working less, trying to enjoy free time, that's a work in process, I've learned I suck at home improvement projects and my golf game still sucks >


This is another thing I have been doing. When I was involved with the Corporate world, I didn't have time to work with my hands. Now I do everything on the ranch, myself, ( within reason) and am really enjoying it. I put in a new septic tank , last week, and will be digging the leech bed, this week. Plus I de-horned a couple of cattle, and removed a nest of rattlers from my GF's flower bed. F*ck Corporate America!!!


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

If it wasn't for my bad foot , I would be doing it right now , instead of cooling my heels , here.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Zanne said:


> Thank you, Rookie. As an interesting side note, the responses to this thread are about 17:5, male to female. I think that's an accurate reflection of CWI participation. If that is the case, a person like yourself (male/not bitter) is well needed here to keep things balanced. Anyway, thanks again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a Prob, Zanne. Always happy to help.:smile2:


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Rookie4 said:


> Not a Prob, Zanne. Always happy to help.:smile2:


Same here,Zanne. You can count on me( the voice of reason).


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Rookie4 said:


> I don't need to be taught, I need practice. As soon as I am back on my feet, I will TRY to go out twice a week (wishful thinking)


Ain't nobody got time for that!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Do you do interior decoration , as well? Perhaps you could get work as a wedding planner? I hear that it is a growth industry.


Oh you're funny. 

Just wait till I fold me a badass little foil paper stork and he pecks your eyeballs out.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Quick, Martha, get out the sunglasses, we're being attacked by little paper storks!!!!
Next thing you know, you'll be making little paper squirrels to f*ck up my eave spouts.


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