# Lack of sex leads to other problems?



## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Do all of the lack of libido spouses understand what the lack of intimacy does to a relationship? Isn't showing that affection basic human nature? I understand most men have a higher drive than women but why do women insist on using sex as a way to manipulate relationships? If women know that it makes men happy why don't they embrace that and in turn make themselves happy? I don't love doing dishes or folding laundry but I do those things to make things easier for my wife. I love when she is happy, shouldn't she want the same for me? She knows that the lack of intimacy drives me insane and therefore I am angry and act like a jerk at times.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

First, no one can answer for "all spouses," or that (implied) 'all' women use sex to manipulate relationships. 

It's great that you fold laundry and do dishes to make your wife happy. What else do you *communicate *on? 

Saw a book on the news called '40 beads.' It's about having more sex in marriage. You might find it helpful.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> First, no one can answer for "all spouses," or that (implied) 'all' women use sex to manipulate relationships.
> 
> It's great that you fold laundry and do dishes to make your wife happy. What else do you *communicate *on?
> 
> Saw a book on the news called '40 beads.' It's about having more sex in marriage. You might find it helpful.


I have tried every form of communication. I have told her exactly what I want regarding our sex life and her responce is that I put too much emphasis on it. I do everything I can to make her life easier while still trying to maintain my own sanity. She has told me how much happier she sees me when she is intimate and affectionate with me yet she just refuses to do it. The latest excuse is that I smother her with love which makes her uncomfortable. I didn't mean to offend with my generalization of all spouses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop generalizing women. Geez. My husband and I have a very fulfilling sex life  Affectionate and intimate and amazing. Sex is not used as a manipulation tool in this house 

Our libidos match so that's good.

I know some men who NEVER want sex...their wives have one foot out the door.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

leadsled said:


> I have tried every form of communication. I have told her exactly what I want regarding our sex life and her responce is that I put too much emphasis on it. I do everything I can to make her life easier while still trying to maintain my own sanity. She has told me how much happier she sees me when she is intimate and affectionate with me yet she just refuses to do it. The latest excuse is that I smother her with love which makes her uncomfortable. I didn't mean to offend with my generalization of all spouses.


So then back off with a smile 

Play a little 'hard to get'...that could work.

Man up!


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So then back off with a smile
> 
> Play a little 'hard to get'...that could work.
> 
> Man up!


I have tried everyone of those options. When I do it usually turns into her saying that I don't care anymore. According to my W, sex to me just solves every problem. I know it sure does make me feel better. She doesn't understand that the lack of sex causes problems.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then I don't know what to tell you. I guess she won't go to marital counseling?


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

We started counseling yesterday after she ran out of excuses why she couldn't go. I brought up the issue but the counselors quickly moved on. I know it was the first session and things aren't going to resolved instantly. She said she was perfectly content with our sex life which to the counselor seemed to mean it was great for both of us.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your counselor moved on from your issue? 

Get a new counselor. My therapist lets me talk about something until I figure out the answer.

Speak up, man!


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

I assumed that since it was our first time there she just wanted an over use of everything . I will be bringing it up again.


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

Wondering if your wife was ever abused?? I was a severely abused child. Because of this sex made me feel out of control. It made me feel weak. I did the same thing to my husband and am now paying the consequences and it's terrible. I did not know or understand how much it hurt him. He tried to tell me but I honestly with all sincerity did not understand. Because of the lack of understanding my husband doesn't desire me at all right now. That's why I'm reading on this sight. It's either sit hear or cry myself to sleep like I do every night. It took my husband wanting to leave me to be where I am now. Please find the right counselor. It took me 4 of them before I found one that made me realize that I am actually having emotional flashbacks from my childhood. My guess is there is more to this then you know.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I know some men who NEVER want sex...their wives have one foot out the door.


{clears throat}
Girl, did you see my thread? 

Now back to our regular programming...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> {clears throat}
> Girl, did you see my thread?
> 
> Now back to our regular programming...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

leadsled said:


> I have tried every form of communication. I have told her exactly what I want regarding our sex life and her responce is that I put too much emphasis on it. I do everything I can to make her life easier while still trying to maintain my own sanity. She has told me how much happier she sees me when she is intimate and affectionate with me yet she just refuses to do it. The latest excuse is that I smother her with love which makes her uncomfortable. I didn't mean to offend with my generalization of all spouses.


Physical Touch is *your *love language and you are High Drive on top of that, and she is likely low drive and just by your mentioning the laundry & dishes, she is "Acts of Service" with likely not needing alot of Physical touch. When 2 are off like this, they don't understand each other very well . I recommend the BOOK for you- on this thread : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


I've been on both sides of this issue- in my earlier years, because I was ALWAYS sexually satisfied, I never knew what it felt like to "want" and "long" and "desire" terribly , so how my husband was feeling - well, it just didn't register, plus he never made any waves about it -hardly at all -unlike most men (like yourself) , he was too patient with me. Then later in life, I had a huge spike in my sex drive and I totally "get" men now, I was chasing my husband all over the place- for a time. He was quite amused by this. 

I can attest to how me & my husbands relationship, though always good, has climbed to even better heights , with more sex, more intimacy, more affection. Where he used to try to stuff his feelings, and some resentment climbed in- unbeknownst to me, NOW he is very emotionally vulnerable with me, and I LOVE this, we both do. I have been vulnerable with him to how much I need him. And where I took him for granted so easily before, too busy with the kids, putting him on the back burner to what was going on in my life, these things are gone! 

I swear, we are more passionate now in our 40's than we have ever been in our lives, even in our youth, so Yes, I know , I've learned 1st hand what some good lovin' and attention can do for a husband. And MYSELF. 

This is a great book for a woman to read -if she genuinally wants to understand her husband & his deep needs . But if a husband would buy this for her after she feels he has been badgering her, he might get a slap in the face. It likely won't come off well. Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520618): Laura Schlessinger: Books 

So what is left ....Here is a good thread for you --- to turn down your Thermostat : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

micmet0 said:


> Wondering if your wife was ever abused?? I was a severely abused child. Because of this sex made me feel out of control. It made me feel weak. I did the same thing to my husband and am now paying the consequences and it's terrible. I did not know or understand how much it hurt him. He tried to tell me but I honestly with all sincerity did not understand. Because of the lack of understanding my husband doesn't desire me at all right now. That's why I'm reading on this sight. It's either sit hear or cry myself to sleep like I do every night. It took my husband wanting to leave me to be where I am now. Please find the right counselor. It took me 4 of them before I found one that made me realize that I am actually having emotional flashbacks from my childhood. My guess is there is more to this then you know.


She didn't have the best childhood. I have asked her sister and mom if there is something in her past but they say there is nothing. I have always had a feeling there was something but according to her there isn't. We have had out share of tramatic events though. She says that she just doesn't see intimacy as being important. I knew with the kids and work everyone is busy. All I ever hear is the typical I'm tired or I have a headache. She would rather stay up testing her friends that spend any time with me. She does manage to have enough energy to go out with her friends until 2 am and then wonder why I het pissed that she can't dedicate any time to me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

leadsled said:


> Do all of the lack of libido spouses understand what the lack of intimacy does to a relationship? Isn't showing that affection basic human nature? I understand most men have a higher drive than women but why do women insist on using sex as a way to manipulate relationships? If women know that it makes men happy why don't they embrace that and in turn make themselves happy? I don't love doing dishes or folding laundry but I do those things to make things easier for my wife. I love when she is happy, shouldn't she want the same for me? She knows that the lack of intimacy drives me insane and therefore I am angry and act like a jerk at times.


Married Man Sex Life

Beta traits are fine. BUT if what is lacking is in the Alpha traits then you need to work on those. You need to make yourself more attractive to your wife. 

Also, His Needs Her Needs is a good idea. I am amazed that many women really do not undertand that men get their intimacy in sexual fullfilment. It is how we connect with women. It is not just a need. It is #1 and the rest don't really matter much without #1.
I guess I should add that men don't understand a woman's needs and their priorities. They thrive on attention. Many must have conversation and so on.

That said, a woman realizing you have a need is one thing. But if she is not attracted to you, it matters little.

Women need both Oxytocin adn Dopamine. The helping out is fine for oxytocin. You need that for your wife to love you but for her to have passion for you she must have that Dopamine. That is Alpha trait stuff. Not gained by doing dishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> . I am amazed that many women really do not undertand that men get their intimacy in sexual fullfilment. It is how we connect with women.


A wise friend told me, "Women need to feel close to have sex. Men need sex to feel close."

This is so true. Sometimes my H gets emotionally constipated verbally...but after every emotional and intimate conversation we have, our love making is INTENSE. Pure passion. :smthumbup: And it's that way because he let's me be verbally itimate (and he is now responsive and open with me) and then I can feel close to him to allow him to express his feelings during sex.

I love it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You might want to check out marduk's excellent post on the Men's Clubhouse titled What I've Learned in the Past Year - A good news story.

Change yourself to become emotionally independent from your wife and you just may see a change in her behavior towards you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The post below was designed for you. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




leadsled said:


> I have tried every form of communication. I have told her exactly what I want regarding our sex life and her responce is that I put too much emphasis on it. I do everything I can to make her life easier while still trying to maintain my own sanity. She has told me how much happier she sees me when she is intimate and affectionate with me yet she just refuses to do it. The latest excuse is that I smother her with love which makes her uncomfortable. I didn't mean to offend with my generalization of all spouses.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It doesn't lead to other problems, it is other problems.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I know some men who NEVER want sex...their wives have one foot out the door.[/QUOTE]

:iagree: Yeah, me.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> It doesn't lead to other problems, it is other problems.


I couldn't agree more. Why my wife refuses to understand that is beyond me. She told me last night that she rarely ever thinks about sex yet is happy with the results when she finally gives in. I get the feeling she despises me when I compliment her or show her affection. I asked her if she thinks she is an attractive person and her responce was no. I think that is the root of the problem and there is nothing I can do to fix it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I know some men who NEVER want sex...their wives have one foot out the door.


this is me... H doesn't want sex only once every 2 months... and i have one foot out the door...


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

ladybird said:


> this is me... H doesn't want sex only once every 2 months... and i have one foot out the door...


How about once or twice a YEAR?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Entropy made some good points above. I'd chime in by saying that you can never underestimate the power of being so self-confident that she feels lucky to have your attention. There's a critical link, in my opinion, though, that assures that she is not turned off by your alpha transformation: you have to quit framing this as a discussion of sex. She's possibly convinced that you just want sex.

Be crazy about her, as a woman. Push the envelope. Pursue her like you can't get enough of her scent, the feel of her skin, and seeing her smile. My wife loves it when I corner her in the kitchen for some passionate kissing. I go by the 80/20 rule of intimacy, though. Eighty percent of my effort is about her and seeking intimacy with her as a person, and only 20 percent of my effort, after the 80 percent is done, is about the sexual end of this process. I'm certainly no expert, but my wife likes it that I study her, and memorize her subtle habits. When she wakes, I have a cup of coffee ready, and usually short words of affirmation. I take an interest in her shopping, and the things she does, but the message is that we are interested in them as a person, and pursuing them as a person. I'm vocal about my love for her even in public, and have been known to chase her through the department store with a sexy pair of panties, asking her to model them when she gets home. We could even go days without sex. Fortunately, she's never turned sex down in 24 years, though. She told me it was because sex didn't seem to be the goal - she was the goal.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Halien said:


> Entropy made some good points above. I'd chime in by saying that you can never underestimate the power of being so self-confident that she feels lucky to have your attention. There's a critical link, in my opinion, though, that assures that she is not turned off by your alpha transformation: you have to quit framing this as a discussion of sex. She's possibly convinced that you just want sex.
> 
> Be crazy about her, as a woman. Push the envelope. Pursue her like you can't get enough of her scent, the feel of her skin, and seeing her smile. My wife loves it when I corner her in the kitchen for some passionate kissing. I go by the 80/20 rule of intimacy, though. Eighty percent of my effort is about her and seeking intimacy with her as a person, and only 20 percent of my effort, after the 80 percent is done, is about the sexual end of this process. I'm certainly no expert, but my wife likes it that I study her, and memorize her subtle habits. When she wakes, I have a cup of coffee ready, and usually short words of affirmation. I take an interest in her shopping, and the things she does, but the message is that we are interested in them as a person, and pursuing them as a person. I'm vocal about my love for her even in public, and have been known to chase her through the department store with a sexy pair of panties, asking her to model them when she gets home. We could even go days without sex. Fortunately, she's never turned sex down in 24 years, though. She told me it was because sex didn't seem to be the goal - she was the goal.


That is such a wonderful post. Any man reading it should take heed. 

Your wife is very lucky, and I'm sure so are you.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

leadsled said:


> I asked her if she thinks she is an attractive person and her responce was no. I think that is the root of the problem and there is nothing I can do to fix it.


Not so. Read Halien's post just above. By your actions to your wife (by showing her that you find her attractive and desirable - not just for sex - but as a person), you can actually have a tremendous impact on how attractive your wife feels.

If you are letting your desire for sex be known on a frequent basis to her, she may end up feeling less desirable as a woman (like she is a failure in that department) and much more irritated with you (like all you see her good for is sex).

Evaluate how you approach her and the situation. There may be many things that you can do differently that will make a tremendous impact on your relationship.

Best wishes.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

sharing

Some women are turned on by a husband doing housework for them. 

Judith


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> How about once or twice a YEAR?


I would have been gone already if this was the case.


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