# I'm A Mess



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Hello, I am a “psycho-sexual mess.” I am 68 years old, a retired white collar professional with a nice family and a very comfortable lifestyle. Most people would probably think I “have it together,” and I admit that on the outside it probably appears that way. However, on the inside, I am a “psycho-sexual mess”--a Lamborghini racecar with no gas and no track to run on.

I have always had a very high sex drive and always could easily have sex a half dozen times a day, if the circumstances were right, I.e. if I had the right partner. I have been married to my wife almost 46 years. Despite our ages we are still both pretty vigorous so physicality should not restrict us; it certainly does not restrict me, although my wife has some issues. I play golf several times a week and exercise in my basement gym. In the beginning--in college--my wife and I had somewhat of a normal sexual relationship, even though she has always been inhibited. We had regular plain-vanilla sex for two and one half years before we were married and it was fairly satisfactory. 

My wife never had the high sex drive that I still have and the longer we were married, the less interest she had. For many, many years she only would have sex if it were orchestrated on her terms, I.e. music, dark room, certain times. She would never do “exotic” things like role play or playful bondage. I always craved receiving oral sex, but my wife never has gone down on me one time. She used to allow cuninlingus and I loved to do it; I love the aroma and the taste of the vulva and vagina. I have always loved breast play, especially with my mouth. She doesn’t even like me to see her nude anymore. We are both Christians; she has become more Victorian through the years in direct corelation with her involvement with the church and faith in general. I moved out of her bedroom in 1997.

At this point, a combination of factors have led me to have erectile dysfunction. They included my age, prostate surgery, inter-personal/emotional baggage, and frigidity and physical limitations on my wife’s part. I have been seeing a urologist for many years. I have tried all the drugs like Viagra. My urologist prescribed a vacuum pump which worked for a while. However, I began having a distortion on my penis, similar to a hernia. I was afraid to continue using it. My internist said he would never prescribe a pump. I still could and would like to be able to pleasure a woman with my mouth and fingers if I had the chance. I still have a high sex drive and I masturbate regularly using a big massager since I cannot get an erection. The vibrator allows me to have excellent orgasms. I have no other sexual outlet at this time. I do love my wife and I do wish she had the sexual desires and drive that I have, but she does not.

Finally, and it is very important to understand that I have never told anyone about what follows. I do not want my wife to know. I have latent/closeted bisexual urges. I constantly fantasize about giving oral sex to a man. I am not attracted to a particular man or men per se, but I am definitely interested in the male genitalia. I love to look at pictures of male genitalia, especially those that are large, and well-formed. I day -dream about being in bed with a “generic, well endowed man,” giving and receiving from him oral sex. When I was a teenager and a young man, I experimented a little with other teenagers and men, but I have done nothing like that since I have been married. However, now if I had the chance under the “right circumstances,” I could very easily and would like to get it on with “the right guy” who would have to be someone I could trust, and who had attractive genitalia. I would not give oral to someone whose genitalia was not attractive to me. I would never seek out random partners in bars and such. I would not be promiscuous.

All of the preceding is an ongoing, secret source of torment for me. What do I do? Help.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm not really sure what to tell you. Other than you entered into the marriage knowing she didn't have a very high sex drive. I'm assuming you had hoped that would just change. 

Also you say your wife doesn't know about these bi curiosities or tendencies you have, but maybe she does, maybe thats part of the problem?


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You are not young anymore but you are still trying to catch your lost youth. Since it cant be anymore for you 'normal' sex you are looking for different outlets. You say you moved out in 97, thats a very long time. How have you managed.


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Thanks for answering. Sorry I gave the impression that her pre-maritial sex drive was low. That is incorrect. Actually it was pretty good, but she just lacks imagination and the interest in doing more exotic types of sex. Believe me, she has no clue about my latent bisexuality--nor does anyone else that I currently know.


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

accept said:


> You are not young anymore but you are still trying to catch your lost youth. Since it cant be anymore for you 'normal' sex you are looking for different outlets. You say you moved out in 97, thats a very long time. How have you managed.


We continued to have sex after I moved out, although not nearly as often as I would have liked. I masturbate several times a week. Otherwise, I would go crazy. And yes, I do have a 20 year old's libido, but can't get it up.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Blondboy44 said:


> My wife never had the high sex drive that I still have


Sorry, this is where I was thinking you meant she NEVER had a high sex drive, even before marriage. I guess the word never threw me off. 

Other than that, I hope someone can shed some light on this for you. I'm sure its a tough place to be in.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm wondering how your wife might react if you told her about your the bi urges you have. Do you think she would be in total shock? Cry, laugh, get angry? Or maybe think its no big deal? I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't tell her, BUT this is something you have being dealing for a while now. Surely that is not good to keep such a secret.

JMO but I think she has the right to know, just like you have the right to know why she doesn't seem all that interested in sex. The problem is, you may never know why she feels the way she does, and she may never know about how you feel either as far as the bi thing. How about some MC and maybe discussing it in MC?


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Lily, thanks for responding. I could never tell her. She might have a nervous breakdown as she is strongly opposed to same sex behaviors, cheating, etc. I must reemphasize that I have erectile dysfunction, so intercourse is out of the question. She does not like oral sex of any kind, so there you have it. We went through counselling in the mid 90s for 12 weeks. She pretty much rejected everything that came from that. I am doomed, it seems. Thanks for the suggestions though.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Blondboy ~

Well, you know what? You don't have to be a mess if you don't want to be.

One thing that you can do to help yourself gain some equilibrium is to bring some focus to other areas of your life.

Do you still work?

Do you have hobbies that you actively engage in?

Do you have close friendships with others?

Do you volunteer or have any causes that are special to you that you can devote some time to?

I am not saying that sexual gratification is unimportant. I am saying that it has to be part of a well-rounded life. If you can develop that well-rounded life, then you may be able to see your situation with your wife more clearly and really be capable of deciding what direction is the best to follow.

You are on a pro-marriage forum, so one thing that should go right out the window is engaging sexually with another individual outside of your marriage. Anyone who thinks that is okay should be tethered to their chair and have to read the "Coping with Infidelity" sub-forum for 24 hours or until their eyes bleed in order to see the pain that choice can cause. 

One thing that you should think about is how much of this is really sexual longing and how much of it is intimacy longing. Even with sexual dysfunctions (your ED, your wife's likely menopausal issues with arousal, etc.) there can still be intimacy.

Is or would your wife be willing to engage in some of those things - not necessarily sexual at all, but doing things together, holding hands, hugging, conversing, etc. basically doing things like people would when they are first dating.

And, finally, begin to ask yourself some really hard questions and search deep in yourself for the answers. What are the most important things to you in your life? Is sex really where it is all at? If sex is really where it is at for you, then you need to be above board about it with your wife and be a strong, caring man knowing that you may have to be willing to divorce and move on at this stage in your life if your wife is unwilling to engage - not necessarily in sex, but in the health of the marriage overall.

Aristotle said, "_You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor_.”

Have courage and most especially HONOR in your life, and you cannot go wrong.


Best wishes.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> I moved out of her bedroom in 1997.


I am curious as to why you moved out of the bedroom? 

Also, why did you refer to it as "her" bedroom? Married couples share the master bedroom of the house (at least they are suppose to). :scratchhead:


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Whose house is this?


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Thanks to all for caring enough to respond in thoughtful ways. 

First Enchantment, I have have been fully retired for eight years and have plenty of balance in my life: Golf three times a week, creating and sometimes selling paintings, volunteer church work, a beautiful grandchild, etc. You make it seem as though I am "only a sex fiend" We do all the other things you suggested, i.e. "dating" once a week (dinner at a good restaurant with wine), kissing when we come and go, watching movies together, long talks about whatever.

Southern Wife, I moved out of "our bedroom" in 97 because she has different sleep habits than me. I go to bed early and get up early. She goes to bed late and sleeps until 10 am (she is also retired). Now I have "my" bedroom and she has "her" bedroom.

Interlocutor, I pay the mortage. Both names are listed on the legal documents, however.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> Thanks to all for caring enough to respond in thoughtful ways.
> 
> First Enchantment, I have have been fully retired for eight years and have plenty of balance in my life: Golf three times a week, creating and sometimes selling paintings, volunteer church work, a beautiful grandchild, etc. You make it seem as though I am "only a sex fiend" We do all the other things you suggested, i.e. "dating" once a week (dinner at a good restaurant with wine), kissing when we come and go, watching movies together, long talks about whatever.


Hi Blondboy ~

It wasn't my intent to paint that kind of portait. I must learn to use some different words in my verbal palette. 

You have a number of issues that you mention in your post - you have issues with ED, you have issues with the sexual relationship with your wife, you have sexual curiosities that you don't want to be known.

Can I ask you, that if you had to rate the order of priority of importance of those items, what would be your top priority? 

Are you wanting to try and improve the relationship that you have with your wife? If so, is she at all willing? Does she understand the issues and concerns (save for the secret one you don't want to divulge about yourself)? Have you verbalized those to her? If not, why not? If so, what were your reasons for not setting some boundaries on what you were willing to tolerate in your marriage and enforcing them?

Have you ever done any kind of IC (individual counseling)? Sometimes having a more impartial sounding board can help you work through the issues that you have and can help you clarify in your own mind and heart the direction that you should take.

Best wishes.


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Enchantment,
1. ED
2. Sex with wife
3. Bisexuality

Understand that I first started having sex with this woman in 1963 when we were sophmores in college. We have throughly covered the ground re: my ED, and her refusal to expand her sexual horizons to make up for it. She became increasingly inhibited in her "old age." Whereas in ancient history, she tolerated and even enjoyed manual and oral, that came to a screeching halt. She has become very Victorian and I feel there is no hope for getting her to change. Counselling failed with her before and I am convinced that any attempt to get her into it again would be like "pissing into the wind." I have contacted a therapist for myself recently but it fell through due to insurance restrictions. I will probably keep trying.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> Thanks to all for caring enough to respond in thoughtful ways.
> 
> Southern Wife, I moved out of "our bedroom" in 97 because she has different sleep habits than me. I go to bed early and get up early. She goes to bed late and sleeps until 10 am (she is also retired). Now I have "my" bedroom and she has "her" bedroom.


Blondboy, what if you moved back into the "marital bedroom" and became a couple that sleeps together again? I get the different sleep schedules (lots of couples are like that, including me), but still sleep in the same bed next to your spouse. Have you thought about that? What would your wife think of that?

I know it doesn't help with the other issues, but maybe being close to her again in that capacity would help you to feel better.


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Blondboy, what if you moved back into the "marital bedroom" and became a couple that sleeps together again? I get the different sleep schedules (lots of couples are like that, including me), but still sleep in the same bed next to your spouse. Have you thought about that? What would your wife think of that?
> 
> I know it doesn't help with the other issues, but maybe being close to her again in that capacity would help you to feel better.


Actually, I would like that but I don't think she would want that because she acuses me of snoring--that was part of my moving out. Plus, it has been so long that we slept in the same bed I think she has become comfortable with being alone in there. Thanks though.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> Actually, I would like that but I don't think she would want that because she acuses me of snoring--that was part of my moving out. Plus, it has been so long that we slept in the same bed I think she has become comfortable with being alone in there. Thanks though.


Is there a position you sleep in that you do not snore? Maybe give it a try.... Talk to her about it.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Snoring could be the sign of a medical condition. Talk to your doc about it, and maybe they can do a sleep test on you and check you for sleep apnea.


----------



## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Snoring could be the sign of a medical condition. Talk to your doc about it, and maybe they can do a sleep test on you and check you for sleep apnea.


I've had a sleep test and they said that it is a mild case of A.


----------

