# A Real Honest Marriage



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Do you ever find yourselves looking at other couples and wondering what their situation is? I look at pictures on the internet and see all of the smiling faces and wonder if they are real. A sham or the real thing? Is he or she cheating? Does the spouse know and still stay?

I have no faith in anything these days. I don't believe anything anyone says. Maybe because I know of too many unfaithful spouses who have sham marriages but put up a nice front that I can't see the real ones anymore. Am I the only one struggling with that?

Sometimes I read the stories here and don't believe in the recoveries. I just see and hear my husband through other peoples' lives. I think "just give it time, he/she will be right back out there again". It's a terrible way to think but that is my life now. Skeptical of everything. Sigh.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

With more than half of spouses who will cheat at one point of a marriage and with a bit more than half of first marriages ending with divorce, I think you can safely say that nothing is permanent. Even if those smiles you see on photos are real for that time, doesn't mean everything won't be horrific a day later.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Nobody knows what's going on behind the doors. 

It happens also in "real life" but shockingly I'm specially prone to believe exactly the contrary of what social net work sites show.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

asia said:


> Do you ever find yourselves looking at other couples and wondering what their situation is? I look at pictures on the internet and see all of the smiling faces and wonder if they are real. A sham or the real thing? Is he or she cheating? Does the spouse know and still stay?
> 
> I have no faith in anything these days. I don't believe anything anyone says. Maybe because I know of too many unfaithful spouses who have sham marriages but put up a nice front that I can't see the real ones anymore. Am I the only one struggling with that?
> 
> Sometimes I read the stories here and don't believe in the recoveries. I just see and hear my husband through other peoples' lives. I think "just give it time, he/she will be right back out there again". It's a terrible way to think but that is my life now. Skeptical of everything. Sigh.


My brother moved in because he is getting divorced so I hear him yelling at his stbxw and telling her how happy me and my wife are lol. If he only knew the truth.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

The really depressing thing is that you can't really judge a marriage as 'succesful' until it has ended - for example, my parents were happily (and faithfully) married for 49 years and then my dad was taken out by a really aggressive cancer. My mum describes being a widow as 'relentless'. One of my younger brothers was married 14 years, he nursed his wife through her illness and was holding her hand when she died, he has since re-married (a widow) and i wish them all the happiness in the world.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Where does the fifty percent cheat rate come from? Most numbers I see are about 20 percent women and 25 percent men.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Yeah Asia, I find myself stuck in a similar thought pattern. My view on marriage has just totally shifted from what I once thought it was. Hell, my view on people has darkened quite a bit, sad to say.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

interesting post. I think the same thing. I see a couple and think "I wonder if she's sleeping with his friend and he has no idea...." I've become kind of jaded.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

This is my second marriage. My first husband went to Chicago for a training for 3 months and found his "soulmate." I hear they are getting married...I wish them the best...but I smile knowing one of them will probably cheat. 
However, I get sickened when I think of other marriages going through this. It's so sad. It's dis-heartening. 
My marriage now...I love my husband. I know he loves me. Good marriages have affairs. We hurt the ones we love the most.
The idea of marriage is beautiful...but humans are flawed...therefore, so are marriages.
Don't give up Asia.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Even better are the pictures when both of you are smiling when one is cheating and the other doesn't know. I see several of those pictures in my own photo album and it makes me sick, sometimes I wonder had she just texted or talked to the OM and that's what made her so happy or is she just a good actress. I check all the dates on any pics I look at now the are either BC(before cheating) AC(after cheating) or the newest ADD(after dday), I wanted to say AR(after reconciliation) but that will be an ongoing thing so there isn't an after maybe DR(during R).


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

There is a big difference between reality and commercialized marriage and family. The "white picket fence, happily ever after and rock-a-bye babies", movies etc. encourage us that our marriages can be better than our parent's but in the end are just fantasies for profit. I believe the infidelity stats are even higher than reported, and thus affects more marriages than we think. The smiles may hide the tears or just not knowing yet.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My parents celebrated their 60th last year. They still hold hands when they walk, one or the other always has an arm around each other. And they're independent too - each still active - making new friends (many of their older ones have passed on) and doing stuff together as well as singly. They love and challenge each other - it's never boring. They argue, but they make up. It is the ideal marriage, in my view. My Aunt (my Mom's sister) just celebrated their 50th - same deal. 

In a way, watching this my entire life made me clueless about cheating. I just assumed marriage was for keeps. Hard work but for keeps. My stbxw, on the other hand, came from a dysfunctional family where her Dad was abusive, her Mom had to escape the marriage and then lived ever since as the "girlfriend of a string of married losers. She abandoned her kids (My stbxw and her younger sister and brother) when my stbxw was in 1st year University. My stbxw had to live with friends. To this day, she has no idea where her Mom went. Then her mom re-appeared a few months later. All of this is coming back to bite. My stbxw is totally messed up.

Yet, my stbxw and her therapist insist that it is ME who is the key to my stbxw's unhappiness. My own IC thinks my wife transferred her anger to me after her Dad passed away. (That is the same year her MLC and EA started). I was viewed as a "controlling Dad" instead of a husband.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Even better are the pictures when both of you are smiling when one is cheating and the other doesn't know. I see several of those pictures in my own photo album and it makes me sick, sometimes I wonder had she just texted or talked to the OM and that's what made her so happy or is she just a good actress. I check all the dates on any pics I look at now the are either BC(before cheating) AC(after cheating) or the newest ADD(after dday), I wanted to say AR(after reconciliation) but that will be an ongoing thing so there isn't an after maybe DR(during R).


I am a photo-bug so have thousands of pictures. I look back on some of the pictures where I am at the cottage with the kids, while my stbxw was "practicing" for her golf championship. I look at the date and the time and know that at that exact time - while my daughters and I are having a laugh or doing something they'll always remember - my stbxw was probably humping the POSOM.

I found a pic on my stbxw's old laptop of her and a group having dinner after a tournament. Outside - and my stbxw is right beside the POSOM. I have a picture of my daughters, with their friends, posing on our cottage deck for a group picture. Almost the exact hour.

I used to let my anger taint those memories - but now I realize that it was my stbxw's loss. My kids will never forget those times - whereas my stbxw's only memory of those same times may be a lingering case of herpes...


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

It is a sad state of being. Before I would concentrate my rage at the OW. Now I just see him. Everyone thinks I have this great marriage when in reality, I have a serial cheater who has been with three or four different women. There was one he asked me for divorce to be with (the lastest one). He broke up with her and has returned home to his family but knowing he was serious about that woman kills me, daily. 

When seeing other people at restaurants and vacations, I wonder if they are trying to keep their spouse the way I am. I wonder if they are jumping through hoops just to keep their spouse's attention. 

Can anyone here explain how you can be married for years and your spouse cheats on you the entire time? Ok maybe there was a break in between but you have been cheated on 80% of your time together?

I want to be loved for me and I think he loves me but wants the comfort of home. He says he doesn't want to be anywhere but here and he learned his lesson and is putting forth effort to be a better husband. Also knows how much pain he caused me and is in NC with the OW. I should be grateful right? I'm not. Always in a state of panic every time his phone rings or he has to go to work. Having access to the passwords doesn't make me feel much better as I had them before and he still cheated.

What upsets me terribly is he has respect for her. He doesn't hate her even after our family has told him she couldn't be a good woman if she would be with a married man. He said he told her they were going to be together and that's why she agreed. He was telling her we didn't have a good marriage and he wanted out for years!!!!! My husband still thinks his OW is a good person. He doesn't talk about it unless I bring it up but when I do, it's not hate or disgust. More matter of fact. 

So all of the family pics I have are bogus now. The latest ones are good but they were taken (from my point of view) to show everyone, including his OW that we are together and happy. She is blocked and he still hasn't put them as his profile pic. But there isn't a thing real or honest about them. My church family thinks we are the best couple in the world and an example of how others should be. What a joke!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the happy pictures are deceiving, but not to the level that one assumes after being on this forum for a while. We have to remember that the statistics also show that a high percentage of people don't cheat. I know many people with stable relationships - and I believe that with many/most of them that what you see is what you get.

And happy pics mask all sorts of things, not just the pain of infidelity. One of my closest friends just passed away from cancer (after what I truly believe was a happy 40+ year marriage), and when I got the news I was dumbstruck. The last time I had spoken to her, she was upbeat and gave me the impression that her illness was being successfully managed. So, she hid the truth from many people and put on a positive face.

(p.s. to asia - why are you staying with your H if you know he's cheated 80% of your marriage?)


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My parents have been married 61 years. I've been married 40. People look at my wife and I as the picture of a great marriage yet no one knows the turmoil that we have been through over those 40 years.

And I can't help but look at my parents and ask whether they have also been through turmoil like we have been.

And this also goes to my siblings, two of which have been divorced (one twice) and two still married but wonder how they are doing. I come from a family that isn't very open about our troubles.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My parents (mentioned in an earlier post) had arguments. I can remember my Dad sleeping on the couch sometimes. I also remember when my Mom sort of had the 70's equivalent of an EA - i.e. a friendship with a man (who lived on the West Coast) that seemed to be getting too close. Where my brother, my sisters and I would roll our eyes when my Mom mentioned his name. And looking at my Dad and seeing just a small trace of worry. But my point is that they worked through all of this because they loved each other. Through thick and thin. For better or worse. Marriage is hard work and they did the work. They've always supported each other fully, and neither of them are pushovers - they're just truly in love with each other. 

I thought I had this with my stbxw - and truly did for the first years (until my daughters were 7 or 8). Then the rollercoaster began. 

But because my wife did not know the meaning of commitment - it was far easier for her to walk away vs the painful and hard work of staying married. It's just so disappointing that she chose to cheat behind my back vs being honest and upfront. A part of me will always think that she never really gave us a chance. And another part will always regret that I did not act on my gut and deal with my feelings strongly when I first had them.

It is THAT sadness which will probably linger for the rest of my life when I think back on my marriage. I know that I'll move on, and probably re-marry eventually - but I don't honestly see how I can look back at the failure of my first marriage without a lot of sadness and regret.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

I know the feeling. I see couples and I always guess which one of them is currently cheating, I am bias against the women for obvious reasons. I can't help but to think most things women say are just lies. 

I know that isn't always the case of course, but it sucks to be bitter.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I am honestly starting to believe that there are extremely few marriages without any infidelity. I almost wrote none, but realized that wouldn't be true. 

I believe the ones that survive infidelity just find a way to cope with it until it passes and don't make too big a deal out of it. This seems to be the basis behind the 180 and much of the other advice. The BS seems to have to get over it, not the WS. The WS only need to "come clean" to a point where the BS can tolerate the marriage. The WS seems to only come back if they come out of the fog enough to realize that they have chosen the wrong person to cheat with. Once this happens, they do what is necessary to R. It always leaves the option of straying on the table for the WS. It seems if they find a better potential SO, they will stray again or if the BS can't get past the infidelity. Many of these R's seem to be based on the financial conditions of the marriage.

Let me finish by saying, this is not the case in all circumstances, but it seems to be the case in many.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I have the same experience when I see photos of couples or when I see couples in public. I do not have a negative mind set though about these couples. My wife's affair made me re-examine all my personal relationships. I learned that I no longer believe "Love" is real.

Most couples who base their marriage on "Love" are fighting an uphill battle. Eventually, one or both recognizes they do not feel the "Love" they expected so they go searching.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> I have the same experience when I see photos of couples or when I see couples in public. I do not have a negative mind set though about these couples. My wife's affair made me re-examine all my personal relationships. I learned that I no longer believe "Love" is real.
> 
> Most couples who base their marriage on "Love" are fighting an uphill battle. Eventually, one or both recognizes they do not feel the "Love" they expected so they go searching.


I want to agree with this and have found that to be most disturbing about marriage. Why would I want to share everything I worked for if I don't love my SO? I don't want this taken the wrong way. I don't mean to offend, but isn't a marriage based on having sex more like just paying for it? This isn't an accusation. It's a concept I struggle to grasp.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> Most couples who base their marriage on "Love" are fighting an uphill battle. Eventually, one or both recognizes they do not feel the "Love" they expected so they go searching.


Not only that, once people understand it chances are they really get love is still there actually, a mature, better love.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Not only that, once people understand it chances are they really get love is still there actually, a mature, better love.


Then the other post must be talking about "fog love"? The first couple years of a relationship? Because I take love to mean that deep love you are talking about here.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I think true love is something that can overcome the temporary feeling of "fog love". 

In any long-term relationship it is easy to go through periods where you don't really like your partner. Where you might even entertain thoughts of "what if I had married X instead of Y?" But because of your long-term love and commitment you get through these periods.

WS don't have the character necessary to recognize down periods in a long-term relationship. Maybe it's a lack of maturity combined with a lack of character. They want a quick fix. That's why, in this day and age - the quick fix is often an EA (via text) which quickly balloons to a serious EA addiction - then a PA.

Marriage is a throw away gadget these days.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Then the other post must be talking about "fog love"? The first couple years of a relationship? Because I take love to mean that deep love you are talking about here.


Yes, there are a lot of people who confuse attraction-infatuation with love. That's why most affairs happen. Attraction may be the first step, but if you cannot rationally turn it into a long-term love, your LTR/marriage is bound to fail.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My Mom and Dad have always said that when they hear any other couple brag about "Never arguing" - it's a sure sign that they're not really a solid couple. 

You will eventually argue with ANYBODY you are close with. Friends, colleagues, and especially spouses. All an argument is, is a difference in opinion - debated.

I believe a real, honest marriage has lots of arguments because a marriage is between two individuals. But my stbxw had this fairy tale image that an ideal marriage never had arguments. And every time we argued - it scarred my wife.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> My parents celebrated their 60th last year. They still hold hands when they walk, one or the other always has an arm around each other...
> 
> ...In a way, watching this my entire life made me clueless about cheating. I just assumed marriage was for keeps. Hard work but for keeps.


Yep, i think thats how it all snuck-up on me too.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

asia said:


> It is a sad state of being. Before I would concentrate my rage at the OW. Now I just see him. Everyone thinks I have this great marriage when in reality, I have a serial cheater who has been with three or four different women. There was one he asked me for divorce to be with (the lastest one). He broke up with her and has returned home to his family but knowing he was serious about that woman kills me, daily.
> 
> When seeing other people at restaurants and vacations, I wonder if they are trying to keep their spouse the way I am. I wonder if they are jumping through hoops just to keep their spouse's attention.
> 
> ...


You certainly tolerate a lot and it is breaking you down. Personally, I could not have taken all that abuse and stayed with a spouse, and seeing how it is hurting you is the reason why. 

In the end, I think nearly all of us in this "modern" world are bombarded with temptation, made to feel "itchy" and dis-content, that is the basis of a "consumer" culture, MORE MORE MORE!! This is too much pressure for many people, who would otherwise be happy and content with one person, one life. 

I love my wife, but after 8 years of marriage there is a routine that can cause desire for the "new", to feel the passion of holding someone different is something that crosses all of our minds. 

If you accept that we are all susceptible to weakness even in the most loving relationships, perhaps you will have pity and understanding, and not disgust. 

As for your situation, you husband sounds disgusting, and it is tainting your world-view. There are many men (40%?) who love and adore ONE WOMAN deeply: I know that I do. This is what you need to rekindle your faith, your husband is abusing you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

While I guess that most marriages are nowhere near good ones, I do believe that a rare proportion of marriages are really good.

There is no perfection.

I believed that I had a happy marriage. Until Dec 2009.


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