# yet another thread....wife cheated with EA...devastated, help....



## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

too much to go into all the details but wife had an EA....well there was kissing involved but no sex, not sure if thats still considered an EA or PA also....regardless
I found out after it had been going on for a month, confronted her with hard facts (text messaging), initially she was in the fog and didnt want to stay with me and still remain in touch with him...
in about a week she realized and gave in to reconciliation and went totally NC with the guy....
its been month and half now...she is really remorseful and shows total commitment to our marriage, she has done and is doing her part....the problem is me....I am having the hardest time dealing with the affair and the betrayal that am risking all at this point and am not sure if I can pull thru it all

I havent done counseling because in the past it hasnt helped (for my depression years ago).....and i doubt it will help now...I know as soon as i leave the place I will go right back to where I started.

i know time will ultimately heal...but i am not sure I can make it too much longer....

interested in others that have been here and pulled it thru or called it quits.....


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

some more details...married 16 years....in our early 40's and have 2 kids.....


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

A lot of posters come here with the "just kissing" story they got from their cheating wife. About 100% of the time it is more than just a kiss.

They liked to kiss? Why didn't they want to have sex?

She was ready to leave you for the guy, but she wouldn't have sex with him?

Do you know that just about every cheater says it only was kissing?

Did you see an email or text that said specifically, "I wished we would have done more than just kiss" or "I can't wait until the first time we do more than kiss"? If not, I think you can safely assume she had sex.

The first step to reconciling is to get the truth. When you get the truth, and all the stories that don't make any sense start to make a little sense, then it gets easier to start to heal.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

By the way, you're doing OK for a month and a half. It takes longer than that to get over this.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You will come out of this, on the other side I mean. The "How long" will be up to you.

You can make this really long like I did or you can talk to some people here at TAM and make a plan, work thru it, and come out the other side.

You will be coming out the other side, weather you like it or not, it is going to happen. It is for you to decided if it is on your terms or not. Just my 2 cents David


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Sorry you are here friend.

I can and will say that 100% they did more than "just kiss", hot sexting prior to them meeting will have got the oil warmed up and when they were together it was not some teenage first fumble, I can say categorically.

How are "you" doing?

What are the plans between you and your wife now? Reconcile/Divorce?

Does she show remorse for her actions?

Sorry but lots of questions to help us help you.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

Will_Kane....i do have texts indicating sex is something they were planning to....i know the kissing happened in a somewhat crowded parking lot in his car....she has confessed a lot but swares they didnt have time for sex, she does have a crazy work schedule and plus the kids i know she was very short on time and ever saw him at the gym where they met...nowhere else.

I often have my doubts about wether they did have sex or not, but am inclined to believe based on what I saw and she has told me that they didnt get around to it, even thou it was right around the corner (they were planning to do it in a few days after DDay, partly due to her menstrual cycle)

but when it comes to sex I know I have probably gotten out of her all am going to get and will have to live with what i know....plus is not something thats affecting me a lot....knowing about the intimate kissing in his car and the fact that she "fell" in love with him (infatuation really) does it for me....

about me , i know its been only a month and half and this can take a year easily...but man is grueling...I never would have thought infidelity would be this devastating to deal with on the receiving end, plus it was a complete shocker to me, came out of nowhere.
We have had a good marriage, not perfect...and her claims for the affair is that I ignore her for a long time due to work, travel and not wanting to do a lot of things as a family...which she is right about so am sure part of her straying is my fault....but she could have said something and never did, but put up with it for a couple years and then decided to stray...
The thing that bothers me too, is that she had made comments in the texts she never wanted me to find out....so if it wasnt because I noticed her odd behavior and was able to hijack them texts messages, she would still be with him and I would have no effing idea...

keep the thoughts coming please....is always good to hear from others rather than listen to my head.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Her straying is not your fault! Get that part straight right off the bat. She chose the affair, not you. She must own it. Do not permit blame shifting.

I would be stunned if they didn't have sex.

Ask her to take a polygraph and judge her reaction. Be prepared for the parking lot confession. Follow-thru with the polygraph!

This is a time for strong actions not weak responses.

Invest in a VAR as well for her car. 

You are likely getting trickle truthed.

I know it sucks, been there myself. This is meant to help you and ultimately your wife should you decide to R.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know they haven't taken it underground?

Get the two books listed below as fast as you can.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Around here, time never seems to be a problem for cheaters. Lunch hour, leaving wk early. Just pretending to go to work.

Exercising, especially weightlifting, will make you feel better in many ways.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, do not bank much on what she tells you. Cheaters lie, it goes with the territory. Her texts reveal that she fully planned on lying to you anyway.

No offense, but her confessions are not worth much at this point and should not be believed as the complete story.

Kissing does not equal EA.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You may want to ask her to move out for a few weeks so you have time to decide whether or not you want to stay married to her then see if the remorse is genuine or not jmo.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

oh she hasnt blamed the affair on me, we both been clear on this front from the beginning...we are on reconciliation right now...and she strongly states she wants me more than anything else and has asked for forgiviness many times and is totally committed to us and I believe her based on her actions.....

am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.....so i am pretty certain is over

I dont know about pulling a polygraph and all that, frankly how do I even do that??...I have no clue how to...plus I think doing that might cause more damage at this point, she has told me a ton of details on everything i asked and some confirmed by the three days of texting I got a hold off


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

prc911 said:


> oh she hasnt blamed the affair on me, we both been clear on this front from the beginning...we are on reconciliation right now...and she strongly states she wants me more than anything else and has asked for forgiviness many times and is totally committed to us and I believe her based on her actions.....
> 
> am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.....so i am pretty certain is over
> 
> I dont know about pulling a polygraph and all that, frankly how do I even do that??...I have no clue how to...plus I think doing that might cause more damage at this point, she has told me a ton of details on everything i asked and some confirmed by the three days of texting I got a hold off


prc to make sure the affair is dead you have to find a way to contact his wife preferably in person that will make sure he is focusing on his m.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

tom67 said:


> You may want to ask her to move out for a few weeks so you have time to decide whether or not you want to stay married to her then see if the remorse is genuine or not jmo.


i have thought a lot about this...and frankly I might move out myself for a few weeks...rather than her because the problem that makes this so hard is the kids with all the schooling and sports activities...we really team up a lot on that and for me to leave would be terribly hard...this stuff just sucks, this is what I keep telling her she screwed up so bad not only me, but the whole family , she wasnt thinking of anybody but her....and she accepts that but starts getting a little annoyed after a while telling me i need to focus on the future and let the past go


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

prc911 said:


> i have thought a lot about this...and frankly I might move out myself for a few weeks...rather than her because the problem that makes this so hard is the kids with all the schooling and sports activities...we really team up a lot on that and for me to leave would be terribly hard...this stuff just sucks, this is what I keep telling her she screwed up so bad not only me, but the whole family , she wasnt thinking of anybody but her....and she accepts that but starts getting a little annoyed after a while telling me i need to focus on the future and let the past go


Do *NOT* move out. She can change the locks and have you for abandonment.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If this situation was the other way around, wouldn't you want to know? Please tell her it's the right thing to do. Let her move out!


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

It's going to be hard. I would say with a month and a half in, you don't even know the half of it. Seriously. You will find more. It will suck. 

In the coming days you will just know if you can stay it not. Look at your life before. Do you think you can go back to that? 

It has been over a year for me. I still have a hard time coping.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She doesn't sound all that remorseful to me if she's making those types of comments. Maybe some time away would do you some good. Although she should be the one to leave no you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Wish I had a dollar for every time I heard it was just kissing.

Dollars to doughnuts there was more. Sex is just not intercourse.

Did WW quit that gym?

Quitting there is a must for NC.

Is the OM married/GF. She needs to be told.

Is the OM an employee of the gym. Expose the OM to the gyms owner. National chain expose to the CEO, Board of Directors.

WW is in damage control. Polygraph time. Once a WW hears a poly is scheduled as the day gets close they are known to spill their guts.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! You make her cheatin again 9999 times easier.

Can you fully account for 100 percent of her time? Has she stopped going to that gym? The threat of a poly gets many what we call parking lot cofessions.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

prc911 said:


> The thing that bothers me too, is that she had made comments in the texts she never wanted me to find out....so if it wasnt because I noticed her odd behavior and was able to hijack them texts messages, she would still be with him and I would have no effing idea...


And it clearly should bother you because it means it's possible it's not her first rodeo.
You even admit your work consumming schedule has made you a little distant and absent-minded and she was compartimentalizing (you caught her just by chance) this very well so the odds are she's done this before.

And it's very possible she claimed outraged and didn't want to end it in order to f0ck him. Once she did sealed the deal she came back.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I would not move out - as in get another place yo stay. But some alone time to sit and think would be a good thing. Tell her you have to go on a little trip to sort things out. Tell her it is not a simple as "get over it". You need time to think with no distractions.

Take a week, go to a nice place out of the way. Tell her you don't want any contact unless it is an emergency with the kids.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

prc911 said:


> oh she hasnt blamed the affair on me, we both been clear on this front from the beginning...we are on reconciliation right now...and she strongly states she wants me more than anything else and has asked for forgiviness many times and is totally committed to us and I believe her based on her actions.....
> 
> am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.....so i am pretty certain is over
> 
> I dont know about pulling a polygraph and all that, frankly how do I even do that??...I have no clue how to...plus I think doing that might cause more damage at this point, she has told me a ton of details on everything i asked and some confirmed by the three days of texting I got a hold off


 How do you get a polygraph? Simple you can google for polygraph in your area or go to a police station and ask. The point is, that if you have any doubts.........any doubts then you call and set up an appointment for her to take one. Tell her you want her to take one and let her know you set one up. If she balks at it and raises hell about being treated like a criminal, then there's a good chance she has not been truthful. If she agrees, then fine. Give the person who is giving the test a list of questions you want answered and then you'll find out. Why go through each and every day always wondering if there is more and hurting. If she really wants the marriage to work, she'll go the extra mile to prove it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Have I missed that you informed the OMW? If you haven't done this, you need to do it asap.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey PRC-----do you honestly think the act of penetration---your sex act, IS ANY WORSE---than hot heavy passion filled kissing, French kissing---hands roaming all over the body while lips are locked

There is no difference----IT IS ALL PHYSICAL-----the only diff. is with penetration, you might end up with a child----otherwise, penetration, is just the culmination of kissing----you need to think long and hard about your definition of physical sex---cuz physical is physical---and it happens lots of ways----and the kiss starts it, and in many cases ends it----


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

prc911 said:


> she starts getting a little annoyed after a while telling me i need to focus on the future and let the past go


You said one post before this that " she is really remorseful and shows total commitment to our marriage"

Then you said in a later post that : "she starts getting a little annoyed after a while telling me i need to focus on the future and let the past go"

She is not therefore remorseful at all, because all she wants to do is rug sweep this now and "just move on". She does not have a clue what true remorse is. 

THERE IS NO MOVING ON. She cheated on you. IT WAS A PA ! Moving forward happens on YOUR TIME SCHEDULE. She has ZERO say in this.

You are in a total false R if this is the attitude she is taking.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

prc911 said:


> I found out after it had been going on for a month, confronted her with hard facts (text messaging), initially she was in the fog and didnt want to stay with me and still remain in touch with him...


So, you're led to believe your wife was willing to leave you after a one month EA (only). Quite possible, but unlikely. What has transpired is not unique. It has happened again and again on this board.

It is possible for an EA to escalate frighteningly quickly. Your wife met the OM at the gym? In his car? They only kissed? Perhaps, as the texts indicate, they hadn't got as far as having full intercourse. But there's an awful lot that can happen between kissing and full intercourse. We're both married men, I don't have to paint you a picture. I doubt that your wife would be willing to leave you over a one month EA. 

If you are going to reconcile successfully, you need to know the full extent of what exactly you are forgiving (once your wife proves she is telling the whole truth).




prc911 said:


> Will_Kane....i do have texts indicating sex is something they were planning to....*i know* the kissing happened in a somewhat crowded parking lot in his car....she has confessed a lot but swares t*hey didnt have time for sex*, she does have a crazy work schedule and plus the kids i know she was very short on time and ever *saw him at the gym* where they met...nowhere else.


Stop making excuses for her. You don't 'know' unless what she's saying has been verified. She has betrayed you and you marriage for a 'month', don't believe what she says right now. 



> but when it comes to sex I know *I have probably gotten out of her all am going to get* and will have to live with what i know....plus is not something thats affecting me a lot....knowing about the intimate kissing in his car and the fact that she "fell" in love with him (infatuation really) does it for me....


This may be true (for now). But you KNOW there is more (it come across clearly in your post).

_Insist_ your wife takes a polygraph as key part of re-building your trust. If she has told you all there is to tell, there is nothing for her to worry about.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

prc911 said:


> am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.....so i am pretty certain is over


'Pretty sure' isn't really good enough in your situation. You need to know for sure. Your wife has to write a No Contact letter to the other man (OM).

Also tell his wife. She deserves to know that she's actually married to the kind of despicable piece os sh!t that would cheat on her and their newborn. He has brought unbearable pain to you and your marriage. 

RETURN THE FAVOUR.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> 'Pretty sure' isn't really good enough in your situation. You need to know for sure. Your wife has to write a No Contact letter to the other man (OM).
> 
> Also tell his wife. She deserves to know that she's actually married to the kind of despicable piece os sh!t that would cheat on her and their newborn. He has brought unbearable pain to you and your marriage.
> 
> RETURN THE FAVOUR.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

prc911 said:


> *in about a week she realized and gave in to reconciliation *and went totally NC with the guy....





prc911 said:


> am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and* told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.*....so i am pretty certain is over


It looks like there may be a correlation between the BF telling her he wanted out and her giving in to reconciliation a week after discovery. Women ready to dump the family to keep seeing a guy usually don't have a change of heart in a week. 
Dawg, I'm going to tell you, this thing may have gone further than mere kissing. Since they got into kissing in the parking lot, it couldn't have been so public I wouldn't have been able to fit a few more aggressive maneuvers in. Looks like you've got a tiger by the tail my man. In the final analysis, you don't want to save the relationship so bad that you surrender everything but your soul, and you don't want to be like the guy who was 20 years down the road and still wonder how far it went. You don't make women love you and be loyal to you by taking their crap. Hold her feet to the fire Dawg. My motto would be, "polygraph or out".


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Tell us what progress has been made.

How does she know the other man?

What friends know about the affair?

Do any family members know? Your kids?

Did she handwrite the other man a no contact letter and give it to you to mail?

Did she delete her facebook? Or at least not just unfriend but block other man?

Did she change her cell phone number?

Did she quit the gym and not join another but if she wants to work out, start working out at home?

I'm sorry, but you haven't convinced me yet on the "no sex." If they were intimately making out in a crowded parking lot, then they could have sex in a crowded parking lot. Unless that text you saw is dated on D-day and she didn't see him since sending it, I leave open the possibility of sex happening.

If it is YOU who moves out, then see an attorney first and find out what needs to be done to avoid being accused by her later on of abandonment.

I know it is going to temporarily affect your kids, and that's not fair. But you can't go overboard to keep their schedules normal, like nothing happened. Something did happen, and if you have to move out or she does, and that affects the kids' schedules, that is better for the kids than if you need to move out for your sanity and don't do it, and then don't reconcile.

If she thinks you should be over it, that's not being all that remorseful.

Tell other man's wife. Find out her number and call her. Don't tell your wife you are doing this.

Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders. Put one in her car and one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. Monitor her for three weeks. If you catch her in a lie from her talking to one of her friends or even other man, then it saves you a lot of time and effort of false reconciliation. If you pick up nothing, it helps to strengthen your trust.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I got here late. Just read the thread...boy, do I feel bad for this guy.

When it happens, I hope he sticks around.

prc911, you have been given some sound, tried and true advice. I hope that you use it.

I believe that there are still some awful truths that you've yet to realize about your wife's affair. Not seeking them will only prolong your recovery. This is all new to you, but not to us.

Start reading some similar threads as yours and you will start to understand.

I'm sorry for your misfortune.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sony ICDPX312 VARs are about the best. Do not go other brands as they have annoying time out features.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, you absolutely need to start by exposing the affair to the other mans wife ASAP.

Do not tell your wife you are going to tell the truth, she'll warn him.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.....so i am pretty certain is over


So she was dumped ? She left you for him but he dumped her when she became a full time responsibility ? What if he hadn't?

does she contribute financially?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Annoyed comments about the need to move on and focus on the future are clear evidence that your WW has no real remorse for the A.

She is trying to rugsweep fast.

Why?

Could it be because she got dumped by POS wanting to fix his M and now has no better option so she needs to shore things up with you ASAP?

Could it be because there is A LOT more than kissing that happened and she wants to move on quickly before it has a chance to come out?

I think you need to find a polygraph provider in your area and make a demand that she take it so you know exactly what you are facing and what she is asking you to forgive.

Chances are good that she will confess anything she is hiding just before the appointment.

If she refuses, call off the R and file for D,


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm wondering where you got all your information about the affair and how much of it came directly from your wife. For example how you know he is done with her and wants to work on his marriage.

This has all gone easier than any I have seen here. The one thing you can believe if if she has been cheating, she's been lying.

The reason you are having a hard time is your gut is not buying this story. There is a lot more going on and probably still going on. Many have been fooled here about believing there was not enough time for an affair too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Expose to the omw. Use find my phone to track her or gps her car and var the car and house when you are not there. Check phone bills for texts, calls and data usage. There are many apps that can be used to hide communications.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> am pretty sure she has NC with the OM....he just had a baby and was having a rocky time with this W also and told her he wanted out and needed to focus on his newborn.....so i am pretty certain is over


How are you "pretty sure"? So what he is having a baby, going to church, adopting orphans and curing cancer. That doesn't mean he couldn't be seeing your wife. 

Never accept anything quoted from your wife about what the OM says. Her mission is to minimize everything and expects you to "focus on the future and to let go of the past".

Ask her is that what she was thinking when she had her affair. Where YOU the past she was letting go and her OM was the future she was focusing on??????


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are accepting way to much based on what she says and what you want to believe.

Please tell OMW. She has a right to know. Do not tip off your wife in advance. You will know almost instantly if your wife is still in contact with him because she will likely be pissed.

Do not let fear guide your decision making.

Google polygraphs in your area. It is not hard and is an appropriate step. I doubt you have everything and if she is that committed to helping you heal then she will understand. If not, that will speak volumes as to what she is trying to hide.

Please get the VARs weightlifter suggested. That is money well spent.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP do not get the other brands of VARs. The Sony has been used with extreme success more than a dozen times. Dont forget lithium batteries.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> Ask her is that what she was thinking when she had her affair. Where YOU the past she was letting go and her OM was the future she was focusing on??????


Ouch. Tough love from AlphaHalf.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

man its amazing so many people coming together for such great advice...i really appreciate it all thats been said.
I can see all her text messages, phonecalls, IMs , etc and its been absolutely quiet for the past 3 weeks.
but yes one of the things that does bother me was the quick turnaround and I need to discuss more with her on this, because so far all shes said is she realized the affair was just a fantasy and I was her true love. About 2 weeks before dday she stop kissing me, which was one of the things that was highly suspicious to me...and then even for a couple weeks after dday she still said she couldnt kiss me but eventually she started as we entered into R.
i will definitely do the VAR, if anything to see what she says to friends and family...but again I feel pretty sure the OM has been NC for a while....plus I didnt mention he is moving out of state in a month.
i am not sure about the poly thou man....if it comes to that point I rather file for D than go thru all that...

we are doing good in the R phase right now....when I said she gets frustrated with me and wants me to move on and forget the past is because I do lash out at her a lot and I shouldnt be doing that, this just causes her to shut down and not talk....

you guys are awesome here....the worst part for me is knowing I was betrayed so badly with not pity....by someone i deeply love and still love with...if time is the only answer to heal that, hell i hope am strong enough to make it , cause right now I feel like i wont be able to


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Print this off, maybe she will understand your need to NOT just let it go.

Go over it with her and take note of her reactions.

_Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always._


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

prc911 said:


> the worst part for me is knowing I was betrayed so badly with not pity....by someone i deeply love and still love with...


Thats the worst part for all of us!


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

Chaparral, yea this is awesome and I had already printed from another thread and plan on giving it to her today.....its truly on point and cant wait to see her reaction to it.....

i guess what I wasnt clear is that am not so much worried about what she did or if she had sex or not because the loving intimacy alone is way more impact for me that sex....i know how to control what I do with her, leave her, separate, etc....I have control over that
what I cant control are my own effing feelings of betrayal and deceit, and the "loss of manhood" if you will....thats the real struggle, at this point I see this all about myself and how to deal with "me" and because it caught me totally by surprise the shock makes it worse because I didnt see it coming at all, ever...part of me says to divorce her and get it over with but that somehow also feels like the easy way out and i know it wont stop my pain or might even make it worse but staying feels just as painful , then there are the kids on top of it all.....just knowing that this will take a long time to heal, in itself is totally agonizing, who the hell looks forward to that.....

am really looking for advice from those whom have been in this situation and what you have done, have you left, have you stayed, how did you cope either way? what helped or didnt help?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't remember, have you been working out and read MMSLP, there is a link in my signature.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Divorce is the easy way out? Easy? 

Friend, it is about self respect. If she doesn't respect you who is left who will? What has she done to earn your trust back so far?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

prc911 said:


> i am not sure about the poly thou man....if it comes to that point I rather file for D than go thru all that...


So, you want to R. A successful R would require that you forgive your WS for what she has done.

That's going to be kind of tough if you do know what everything is...

Well, I'm sure the VARs are going to turn up things that you don't like hearing. Just NEVER tell here that you are using VARs.

I wish you luck, because if this OM had never decided to get back with his wife and move out of state - I guaranty you that they'd still be having sex.

From what you've written so far, you are her plan B. Until the next plan A comes along that is. Then you'll be right be where you were when you found out about this affair.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

got the VAR in for over a week and nothing at all, not a word about us or the affair to her family and friends, no sign anywhere or a "burner" phone or anything like that....am very well sure by now the affair is dead and the guy is gone too, but the damage has been done regardless....

she has been very nice, apologetic, cried uncontrollably a few times, worst mistake of her life, knows she hurt me forever,etc, etc....the usual stuff, but it does feel genuine for me, I dont know what else i can ask her to do at this point....and if she is hiding anything else or has any lies well am tired of looking also, not feeling like digging around forever.....enough is enough, I want to move on with R but still facing hardship with overlooking the romantic and emotional aspect of it and all the affair BS....I do feel a mentally tough road ahead for many months...just wanted to drop an update.....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well nothing is good I guess thanks for the update.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Thanks for the update. That's good news and it looks like she's truly remorseful. However I'd still, every so often, use the VAR and check the phone records. Not obsessively, but just to verify that there's no contact going forward. 

Once trust is broken, I suppose you'll never get to 100 percent trust level again. Infidelity changes us forever. But that doesn't mean you can't rebuild a better marriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

prc911 said:


> she has been very nice, apologetic, cried uncontrollably a few times, worst mistake of her life, knows she hurt me forever,etc, etc....the usual stuff, but it does feel genuine for me


When she was with the other guy it felt genuine to her too.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

If you're not worried so much about whether she had sex with him or not, then you are in the vast minority when it comes to husbands.

R is difficult enough for a BS. But when you add in the uncertainty about the sex, it's that much tougher - whether you want to admit it or not. Because you can't be sure of what you are trying to forgive. 

Maybe she is telling the truth about it; but she doesn't deserve for you to take her word for it. She needs to accept all the consequences for what she's done and one of those consequence is coming completely clean. If it takes a polygraph to insure that, then now is the time to do it when she is most likely to accept it. You don't want for the mind movies to linger on for years because you didn't.

If she is remorseful and she isn't lying - she should have no problem with taking the polygraph. If she does have a problem with it, you have to wonder why.


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## arekayone (Aug 6, 2011)

911

I've been through it...found out in July, 2011 and my wife and I are still together.

She reconnected with a high school boyfriend from 1983 through Facebook, even after her friends urged her not to "friend" him (the guy is a nut job). I saw him on her friends list, questioned her about it (as did my 21 yo son) and then walked in on her while she was on the phone with him. Told her I didn't like it, she told me she wouldn't do it again. For the next 6 months I was uneasy as there were little clues popping up all the time. Instead of seriously confronting her on it, I "joked" about it (big mistake). He called her at 9:00 on a Sunday morning as we were having breakfast...she tried to shrug it off as a work call, but I knew it wasn't. Finally had everything come to a head.

I went through two weeks of hell before the logjam broke. It went from her thinking she never should have married me (after 24 years) to "what the heck have I done". I went from devastating heartbreak to pure anger over that time. I did the keylogger, found the email accounts, passwords, the whole nine yards. It was awful. I felt like a used chump, a complete idiot. I could not believe she lied to me for so long, and betrayed me like this.

Anyway, we both did counseling, and we put our marriage back together. I can sincerely say that we probably have more fun now than we ever did, we travel more, go out more and have achieved a new level of intimacy with each other. We have three children (22, 19 and 12) and have bonded as a much tighter family unit.

BUT......here's the catch.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened, and how I was deceived. I still cannot account for a night that she was out of town, supposedly at her parents. I don't know what the content of the emails, texts, chats and phone calls were. I was told he was "helping her" with understanding herself and her marriage, but??? Once every 3-4 months I go through a funk that lasts a few days, usually due to some sort of a trigger. Maybe she doesn't answer her cell phone, or she seems to be acting distant, or whatever. She figures out what is going on, and helps me work through it. Some days I feel like a complete paranoid loser. I take an anti-depressant and have been prescribed xanax for anxiety attacks. When I get hit with an "attack", I make her sit and listen to me rant about what she did, the effect it has had on my life, and how horrible a thing she did. 10 minutes of that and I am good, life returns to normal and we move forward.

If I had to do anything different, I probably would have read the emails to find out specifically what was going on. I would have asked for a detailed account of how she was finding time to talk to him so often (tho I know the answer) and I would have pressed her like crazy to find out what happened the night I can't account for. I may still go down that route, I just don't know if it is worth it. I also would have forced her to either write a no contact letter or call him on a speaker phone with me there to tell him it was over.

Thing is, I love my wife. I want to grow old and die with her, and I believe she feels the same way. As she puts it, she was going through a very dark phase of her life. Looking back, she just wasn't the same person. She was walking around in a trance acting completely irrational. She gets it, and is very sensitive to my moods.

So, as I have told her, the "after-effects" are the cross that I have chosen to bear. I didn't have to, but I made the decision to follow this path. I imagine as time passes it will get easier, the attacks will dissipate and some day this may be just a horrible memory. I can honestly tell you, the pain does ease up as time passes.

Good luck brother. I know what you are going through and I feel for you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

^^^^^^ This is a great post. I'd call it a "must read" for betrayed spouses considering reconciliation.



arekayone said:


> Anyway, we both did counseling, and we put our marriage back together. we travel more, go out more and have achieved a new level of intimacy with each other. We have bonded as a much tighter family unit. I can sincerely say that we probably have more fun now than we ever did


You are having more fun now than ever and are bonded as a family unit. That's great.

Yet:



arekayone said:


> Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened, and how I was deceived. Once every 3-4 months I go through a funk that lasts a few days, usually due to some sort of a trigger. Some days I feel like a complete paranoid loser. I take an anti-depressant and have been prescribed xanax for anxiety attacks. When I get hit with an "attack", I make her sit and listen to me rant about what she did, the effect it has had on my life, and how horrible a thing she did.


_Every single day_ you think about the affair and the deception, you get triggered into a funk (aka depression) on a quarterly basis, some days you feel like a paranoid loser, you're on antidepressants and you've been prescribed xanax for anxiety attacks.

Glad you've found some happiness but all I see is lifelong misery with a few breaks in between. 

Too much of a price to pay. Especially when you consider that life could have been a heck of a lot better with a different woman. You could have still had the bond with your kids, the fun times, the traveling, the intimacy, but without the panic attacks, the depression, the triggers, the daily mind games, etc.

I have never been cheated on but I ended a bad marriage and stepped back out into the world, I've met some wonderful women and I'm having a lot of fun, and intimacy, and traveling- without the daily reminders of all the bad things that went down- those are rapidly fading distant memories of a life that no longer exists.

After reading your post I feel even more strongly that reconciliation following an affair is not a reasonable consideration. There's lots of great people in the world along with a whole bunch of losers. It's scary but it's worth the risk and the effort to put yourself out there.

*** 



arekayone said:


> I would have pressed her like crazy to find out what happened the night I can't account for. I may still go down that route, I just don't know if it is worth it.


Worth what? Perhaps your continued triggering and paranoia is because you have yet to fill in the blanks. It obviously still bothers you so why not press her like crazy? Why do you NEED to press her like crazy? The information should be offered up completely voluntarily and without question or hesitation.



arekayone said:


> As she puts it, she was going through a very dark phase of her life. Looking back, she just wasn't the same person. She was walking around in a trance acting completely irrational.


Sounds like a bunch of excuses. It's like setting a murderer free because they were in a bad place when they committed the crime. Sorry, no, she was and is still the same person. It's called "accountability".


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

prc911 said:


> got the VAR in for over a week and nothing at all, not a word about us or the affair to her family and friends, no sign anywhere or a "burner" phone or anything like that....am very well sure by now the affair is dead and the guy is gone too, but the damage has been done regardless....
> 
> she has been very nice, apologetic, cried uncontrollably a few times, worst mistake of her life, knows she hurt me forever,etc, etc....the usual stuff, but it does feel genuine for me, I dont know what else i can ask her to do at this point....and if she is hiding anything else or has any lies well am tired of looking also, not feeling like digging around forever.....enough is enough, I want to move on with R but still facing hardship with overlooking the romantic and emotional aspect of it and all the affair BS....I do feel a mentally tough road ahead for many months...just wanted to drop an update.....



I am in R since May. I did the VAR last Friday. She did sub work near the XOM's house and it caused a lot of anxiety in me. Everything she did or said she did was true as verified by the VAR in her car, even down to the guy who helped her load the special dog food in her car that she picked up on the way home. She told me everything she did and where she went and that she talked to a guy at the pet store who put the heavy bag in her car. It was quite boring listening to it but man I had anxiety, and it proved that she is on the straight and narrow. I do plan from time to time, to have the VAR in her car, but for now, she is being very open and tells me what she does and it is so far the truth.


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## arekayone (Aug 6, 2011)

Lenzi

I appreciate your position, and understand that for some people it is the way to go. However, it wasn't for me.

Many people make judgements, give advice, and draw conclusions over something somebody writes "in 1000 words or less". Sorry, that isn't real life. You don't know me, you don't know my wife, you don't know my kids and you certainly can't look into my brain after a post made on a message board.

I'm not in misery every day of my life. I think about what happened, but it doesn't throw me off kilter on a consistent basis. As I said, every 3-4 months I have an "episode" that has to be worked through.

The truth is life is hard no matter what path you choose. My wife is in a constant state of regret over what she did. Although they are not excuses, there were a multitude of forces coming down on her all at once at that time. It was a perfect storm. As I have told her, I forgive her but will never forget what she did.

I visit this board on occasion so that I can see that there are other people that have been through the same thing I have. It helps me realize that what I have gone through, and what I am going through is common for people in my situation. I DON'T come here for advice. There are plenty of people in my world, including my priests, therapist, friends and family that have known my wife and I for many, many years and are much more qualified to advise me. For that I am fortunate. I realize there are people that don't have the support structure that I do, and for them advice from random strangers on a message board is good.

Just my two cents.


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## spidersab*ch (Nov 26, 2012)

prc911 said:


> i guess what I wasnt clear is that am not so much worried about what she did or if she had sex or not because the loving intimacy alone is way more impact for me that sex....i know how to control what I do with her, leave her, separate, etc....I have control over that
> QUOTE]
> 
> If you are for real [this post makes me wonder] and you want to stay married, you are to be commended and you are in for a long ride. Take it as slow as you can. It's easy for me to say that because looking back I can see that is what I should have done. But I was one moment desperately in love and the next physically ill with revulsion. Oh, and the anger. Well, pages have been written about that. The emotions come fast and furious. The psychological pain is exquisite. Here and there are moments of euphoria and seeming transcendence. Rest assured, they are all pretty transient. Around here they call that the roller coaster. It's real. You can always step off. And there are always also reasons not to. Kids, mortgages, the hagiographic notion of your marriage before and growing old together on the back porch swing. Good luck, sincerely. And I am pretty sure the people here who say that there is more to this than you know are right.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

prc911 said:


> man its amazing so many people coming together for such great advice...i really appreciate it all thats been said.
> I can see all her text messages, phonecalls, IMs , etc and its been absolutely quiet for the past 3 weeks.
> but yes one of the things that does bother me was the quick turnaround and I need to discuss more with her on this, because so far all shes said is she realized the affair was just a fantasy and I was her true love. *About 2 weeks before dday she stop kissing me, which was one of the things that was highly suspicious to me...and then even for a couple weeks after dday she still said she couldnt kiss me but eventually she started as we entered into R*.
> i will definitely do the VAR, if anything to see what she says to friends and family...but again I feel pretty sure the OM has been NC for a while....plus I didnt mention he is moving out of state in a month.
> ...


OP:

just bolded a few parts of your post for reference here. I'm very sorry for you, and want to be supportive and empathetic. But I'm giving you an opinion now, controversial or not it is how I would react to your situation (for better or for worse).........


The first and last bolded phrases underscore just how much she humiliated you. The proper response to personal humiliation, in ANY context, is _aggression_. Choosing the right form of aggression is the key. Tears and sorrow are normal, but your anger is important. It is something for her to remove from you, not you from you. it's her job to put out that fire, not yours.
i.e. short of physically attacking her, I can't see anything wrong with 'lashing out.' When you grow tired of yelling or name-calling you might consider penning a harsh essay and insist she save it among the family heirlooms, or paste it in her diary or something. Or take down and destroy every framed picture that has both you and her in it. Has it not been less than 2 months since you found out?? blowing off steam with exercise will help you control yourself, but expressions of anger are absolutely legitimate. 

and of course a more profound way to express anger and outrage is to separate from her for a period of time, or file for divorce. Why do you still want her? you need to ask yourself that repeatedly until you have a good answer. I don't think 'because I love her' IS that good answer. I think the answer has to be 'becauase she loves me.' but your challenge is that her behavior with the OM argues so strongly in the opposite direction. again....something she has to convince you of, not you rationalizing it to yourself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I hate to tell you this PRC but at some point you have to come to terms that she may have got back with you because he ended it. You know that's the way it possibly went down and you're having, and understandably so, a hard time dealing with it.
You said the sex didn't matter but directing her love away from you does. If you don't find out she's back because she wants to be rather than back because she was ultimately rejected, I think youre going to be haunted a long time.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

still alive here.....cant be thankful enough for all the advice on this post and on this board as a whole....
WS continues to be very remorseful and has admitted she doesnt really understand what the f happened to her head for her to do such a thing, she has acknowledged she lost her mind and needs to go see a therapist, she continues to be very open and committed to marriage more than I have ever seen her....i am pleased but am looking for this long term, not just a short term thing of hers....
VAR still on and all phone logs and VAR logs, FB, etcv..all clean, no trace of contact or attempt to OM.....

so thinks are good, am doing a bit better, the bad times are less often but when they do happen they are just as bad intense as ever....there are still times I want to D and kick her to the curb badly...but I come to grips more quickly now to accept the betrayal and look at the entire family, not just her.

i also sort of regret not being harsher with her during discovery, I look back now and think I wasnt as punishing as I should been but is water under the bridge now.....i have made it very clear this was first and final offense, and even the slighest sign of further infidelity is a quick end to M and right to D with no explanations or excuses to be allowed...she understands this....

Couple things I didnt mention is I really wasnt best husband ever either, not at all to excuse her, but i knew that I could be better all along and she carried the brunt of raising the kids till now almost all on her own and wasnt much help around the house, focused a lot on my hobbies and friends and assumed she would take care of the rest....so in turn I have changed this a quite a bit also...again not at all an excuse for what she did and she knows this well....but I feel better at being a better husband and father now....

the last thing is I do have the urge from time to time for a revenge affair, and is in part because I worked very hard at being faithful for years, I had so many temptations and opportunities its ridiculous.....but always kept M in mind.....I know they say revenge affairs dont solve anything and you cant fix wrong with wrong, just looking for others thoughts into this....


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

prc911 said:


> still alive here.....cant be thankful enough for all the advice on this post and on this board as a whole....
> WS continues to be very remorseful and has admitted she doesnt really understand what the f happened to her head for her to do such a thing, she has acknowledged she lost her mind and needs to go see a therapist, she continues to be very open and committed to marriage more than I have ever seen her....i am pleased but am looking for this long term, not just a short term thing of hers....
> VAR still on and all phone logs and VAR logs, FB, etcv..all clean, no trace of contact or attempt to OM.....
> 
> ...


I think it is generally agreed here that it is usually 'a bad thing'. However I feel it is down to the individual.

Have you asked your wife how she feels about you evening up the score? If not you may be surprised by her answer.

You call it a 'revenge' affair.
Would it be revenge or would it be to make you feel better about yourself?

If it's to make you feel better about yourself then you have some soul searching to do. Is it really really what you want?

You can't put out a fire with petrol (gasoline).

If it's revenge I would wait perhaps five years, reconcile with her, make her feel safe, secure and loved then walk in one day and say "By the way I've been shagging Maisie down the road for the last 3 weeks."

That's revenge.

But you know what? The mere act of reconciling and building back the love will hopefully drive those thoughts away.

Personally I think one of the biggest 'dangers' in these situations is some years later an attractive woman may approach you at a business conference type of occasion and basically offer you sex.
How do you stop yourself thinking "eff it, why should I turn this hottie down, my wife didn't bother about our marriage."


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

actually she has brought it up and yes she has said she wouldnt like it but she would understand.....which I guess takes away from even'ing up any score as she would be expecting it...so you are right if anything it has to happen few years down the road, to bring back the element of shock....

and am glad you pointed out the being away on business and being offered sex, because its precisely those situations which I turned down a lot in the past in order to remain faithful....but I still travel and those situations will likely come about again in years ahead....

I still dont know if I could do it thou, morally I feel that am better person than that, and as you said i hope with time this might and could go away altogether....


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

prc911 said:


> actually she has brought it up and yes she has said she wouldnt like it but she would understand.....which I guess takes away from even'ing up any score as she would be expecting it...so you are right if anything it has to happen few years down the road, to bring back the element of shock....
> 
> and am glad you pointed out the being away on business and being offered sex, because its precisely those situations which I turned down a lot in the past in order to remain faithful....but I still travel and those situations will likely come about again in years ahead....
> 
> I still dont know if I could do it thou, morally I feel that am better person than that, and as you said i hope with time this might and could go away altogether....


Don't do it. If you start keeping score you're likely to derail the R, because the score can never be truly even.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

prc911 said:


> actually she has brought it up and yes she has said she wouldnt like it but she would understand.....which I guess takes away from even'ing up any score as she would be expecting it...so you are right if anything it has to happen few years down the road, to bring back the element of shock....
> 
> and am glad you pointed out the being away on business and being offered sex, because its precisely those situations which I turned down a lot in the past in order to remain faithful....but I still travel and those situations will likely come about again in years ahead....
> 
> I still dont know if I could do it thou, morally I feel that am better person than that, and as you said i hope with time this might and could go away altogether....


Curious that your wife would bring up the notion of you having a revenge affair to even the score. If here affair was truly a short term EA with kissing as the worst of it, how do you possibly contrive a revenge affair to make everything even? You go on match.com to go out on a couple dates with a woman to kiss, feel her up perhaps and drop out of her life forever? Seems dubious of her to offer a revenge affair scenario in this case considering her story is primarily due to emotional attachment. 

Unfortunately,and this is just my opinion, she has had sex with this OM a handful of times. It may have been oral sex only, but something tells me that for her to offer something like this up to you, the details are worse than you were given from her. IMHO, you have a long road ahead of you, and sooner or later you will get the whole truth.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with the above poster. A wife would not tell her husband that he could have a revenge sexual affair even though she claimed it was only an emotional affair. I am sorry but that clearly does not make sense. My guess is that she told you this because she had a full sexual affair. You may wish to schedule a polygraph for your own piece of mind.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I agree with the above poster. A wife would not tell her husband that he could have a revenge sexual affair even though she claimed it was only an emotional affair. I am sorry but that clearly does not make sense. My guess is that she told you this because she had a full sexual affair. You may wish to schedule a polygraph for your own piece of mind.


A polygraph at this point is a must.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

prc911 said:


> actually she has brought it up and yes she has said she wouldnt like it but she would understand.....which I guess takes away from even'ing up any score as she would be expecting it...so you are right if anything it has to happen few years down the road, to bring back the element of shock....
> 
> and am glad you pointed out the being away on business and being offered sex, because its precisely those situations which I turned down a lot in the past in order to remain faithful....but I still travel and those situations will likely come about again in years ahead....
> 
> I still dont know if I could do it thou, morally I feel that am better person than that, and as you said i hope with time this might and could go away altogether....



If you lives become productive together, it will go away with time.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

PRC911 you are a good man to forgive your wifes betrayal and now your kids wont suffer a broken home. 

NOW PLEASE GIVE THE OM'S WIFE THE SAME OPPORTUNITY, AND TELL HER!!!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

the om's wife NEEDS to know...maybe just maybe it will make him think twice before he puts another married man through the hell your going through...

i am glad the R is going well, and I sincerely hope you two defy the horrible odds and make it through...

I could NOT have done it the way you did...Ive read alot in your posts concerning whats happened and that its solely based on what "she said"....well...she cheated, she is a liar...I could not believe ONE thing she said after D day...until she PROVED her words to me time and time again to rebuild trust...your wife NEVER had to start with a blank slate to rebuild trust, oh you acted like she did, and you might appear like you expect her to, but you started the R trusting her word...she NEVER had to start over and PROVE that her words were no longer lies, to rebuild the trust she shattered...I could NOT do that!!!! Maybe she IS being truthful, it could happen...

if my wife got caught cheating...EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth is a ****ing lie until SHE PROVES IT OTHERWISE...she killed the trust, she blew it to hell, only SHE can rebuild it...and it takes time...and the LAST person to tell me how much time it takes is her...sigh


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

arekayone said:


> I DON'T come here for advice. There are plenty of people in my world, including my priests, therapist, friends and family that have known my wife and I for many, many years and are much more qualified to advise me. For that I am fortunate. I realize there are people that don't have the support structure that I do, and for them advice from random strangers on a message board is good.


Don't mean this as a threadjack but I feel compelled to respond to this quote with a different point of view.

It's fine for a BS to be advised by friends, family, priests, etc. But just because they know you better than the posters on this board, doesn't mean our advice is invalid.

In fact, your friends' and family's knowledge of both of you, can be a detriment; limiting their ability to see the forest for the trees. They couldn't possibly have the "collective" knowledge of those of us who not only have dealt with infidelity, but have seen the patterns repeat again and again through time spent on this board. 

My thought is this. It's important for a BS to use friends and family for moral support; but for tactical and strategic advice, TAM can't be beat. Even if there are a few extremists in the group.

Just my two cents.


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