# He lost respect for me.



## Hollyhobbie (Feb 14, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years but have been together for 15 years, since we were 13 years old. We have had problems in the past but I never thought they were major issues. I suffer from anxiety and self esteem issues and I know he has felt the weight of that over the years. He says that I have gotten worse over the last couple of months, and I'm taking his word for it. He says it has made him lose respect for me as a person. I am a licensed nurse but I chose to be a nanny when we moved away from our families for him to get his Masters in Philosophy. He has it now but he isn't using it, he now has a huge interest in screen writing, so he is pursing that but also works at a coffee shop. Overall I am a happy person, I thought we were happy too,we love to travel, and have a lot of things in common but several weeks ago he dropped the bomb that it's all taken it's toll. That he never stopped to ask himself what he wants out of a relationship, what makes him happy and that he is starting to. That he is seeing that our values are far too different to overcome. Value example 1: He loves to keep up with politics, he loves to read thought provoking, brain food books and he says that because I don't have an interest in that, that I am not helping him grow as a person. He doesn't see me as ambitious and it's pulling him down. (I beg to differ, I see myself as ambitious just not in the same way that he is ambitious.) I work 55 hours a week sometimes (he says it's not a brain stimulating job) and come home, sometimes I get on Facebook or turn on the tv when I get home. He would prefer to see me reading or feeding my brain and that is a problem for him. Values 2: he doesn't value his family as much as I value family and he thinks that is a problem and will continue to be a problem in the future. He isn't a family person but he has a fantastic family. He also told me that he only half wants to be with me at this point. He loves me, he's attracted to me, and he's afraid of losing our relationship but that he thinks it's time we split. I have asked him to try a little longer. I'm going to seriously work on my anxiety problems and see if that impacts many areas in our relationship, maybe I'll join a yoga class. He has agreed to try but says he doesn't think it'll work, although he wants it to. He also has stated that he does not think he needs to do any changing. He has also admitted that he fantasizes about living alone where he can really focus on his reading/writing and not feel weighed down. (He even looked into a place) he's not a cold person generally, he kisses me, cuddles, asks how my day was.

I feel like this values situation can be handled. What we can figure this out because I really don't want to get a divorce. 
Any insight or revelations?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What I see is a guy who has a master's in philosophy (which is pretty useless) and works at a coffee shop. He is blaming you because he is feeling unfulfilled. You can't fix that. It isn't yours to fix.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Throw his freeloading ass out and see can he survive on a baristas salary while paying rent and studying.You have let him treat you like a doormat,he is another one of these guys who will spend years following a dream,study politics and current affairs,ready to debate anything with anyone but won't actually WORK for a living.Has he told you he wants to "find himself" yet because believe me he will.What if any job openings for someone with a masters in philosophy are there in your area.You are just subsidising his lifestyle and he looks down his nose at you because he is better educated.Of course he is more knowledgeable than you in certain things,he doesn't do anything else with his time so he has time to keep up with current affairs.You work 55 hours a week and then come home to this crap,give him six weeks to get a job that will pay half of everything or else tell him move on.His family probably realise that he is one of life's permanent students and have had enough of him.
Your anxiety is not causing him problems,the fact that you have your life figured out is making him insecure and he realises he has wasted years studying for what is probably a useless masters.Now he wants to write screenplays,has he any idea of the number of people who want to do this and will never make a cent from it.He needs a kick up the ass and a few lessons in how the rest of the world live.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

He's making this to be all about your "issues". From what you've said here, you don't have issues. I'd do a 180 on his ass. Don't do anything for him. Make plans with your friends and family; nurture those relationships instead.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's cheating.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Oh goodness, @Hollyhobbie, from what I have read your husband has the issues NOT you! It's not your job to help him grow as a person. 

How in the world can he say you aren't ambitious enough?? It takes a huge amount of ambition to become a licensed nurse. You be proud of that accomplishment! 

You work 55 hours a week, but he dismisses your hard work because in his opinion it isn't "a brain stimulating job". Ummm, and his job at the coffee shop is?? 

You don't need to have the exact same interests or read the same things as your partner. Him telling you to read more sounds controlling. 

He doesn't value family? Wow. That would bother me. It doesn't sound like he is even valuing you at this point. 

I hate to point this out to you, but it sounds like he has already left the relationship mentally and is gearing up to leave physically as well. It doesn't sound like he wants to work on the relationship at all. Sadly, no matter how much effort you put in, if he doesn't do the same, it's not going to get better. I am speaking from experience. 

I agree with @tropicalbeachiwish, focus on your friends and family. Nurture those relationships, and yourself. Seek counseling. Go to those yoga classes. Do things you enjoy. Cry when you need to. Hang in there. So sorry that someone you have loved and trusted is putting you through this. 


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

maybe with that advanced degree he can philosophize that high handed talk and esoteric thinking cannot substitute
for authenticity and that simplicity often brings more happiness and insight than intellectual conceit.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I also think he is cheating. 

He is blaming you for everything!! Cheater's script, he is feeling some guilt, so he is grasping for reasons to justify his actions.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If he is not cheating, he is on his way. He thinks a lot and most of his thinking is plain stupid. All that knowledge has inflated his head and his behind to the point of no return. Stick a needle in him and let him deflate on his own arse! 

IOW, dump him for the educated loser that he is. Projection is a huge sign that he is up to no good in the fidelity department! Don't drink his kool aid


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> What I see is a guy who has a master's in philosophy (which is pretty useless) and works at a coffee shop. He is blaming you because he is feeling unfulfilled. You can't fix that. It isn't yours to fix.


A-men!!! 

Your H is the problem. Let him move into the library and marry the librarian.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> He's cheating.


I would have to go with this. Probably met some near-do-well at the coffee bar.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When you catch him cheating he will insist it was a "meeting of minds" and not really cheating at all.
And op,I am really worried that you will fall for it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

His parents raised him to believe that he's special and unique in some way. My guess is that he's not, but that he got a lot "participation trophies" growing up. In any case, it doubt it's you. I think that no woman would be able to achieve his level of enlightenment and refinement. I know you're attached to him, but I'd kick him to the curb. 

Tell him you need some room. Room for cream.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your right he did lose respect for you. Because he is a spoiled, unfulfilled brat who thinks he's better than he really is. Honestly he needs to get over himself. What a loser. Don't be with someone who thinks so lowly of you. You sound like an awesome catch, and he sounds like a dousch bag. 

I get that you love him and want your marriage to work. But don't do that at the expense of yourself. Be confident, respect yourself, and demand respect. We should love ourselves more than the people we want to be with. And if the people we want to be with can love and respect us too, then it will work.

I think that you should immediately decide that you agree with him. That you guys are too different. You are respectful, kind, loves people, and works hard. He is selfish, disrespectful, entitled, and makes every excuse in the book instead of taking responsibility for who he wants to become. I think you need to separate your accounts, and separate asap. I think the sooner this happens, the sooner he will either see what an idiot he has been, or you will realize you are way happier without him. 

Do NOT tell him that you will work on yourself while he refuses to take responsibility for any faults. This is emotional manipulation 101. You have NO problems. He is incredibly selfish and only cares about himself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hollyhobbie said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years but have been together for 15 years, since we were 13 years old. We have had problems in the past but I never thought they were major issues. I suffer from anxiety and self esteem issues and I know he has felt the weight of that over the years. He says that I have gotten worse over the last couple of months, and I'm taking his word for it. He says it has made him lose respect for me as a person. I am a licensed nurse but I chose to be a nanny when we moved away from our families for him to get his Masters in Philosophy. He has it now but he isn't using it, he now has a huge interest in screen writing, so he is pursing that but also works at a coffee shop. Overall I am a happy person, I thought we were happy too,we love to travel, and have a lot of things in common but several weeks ago he dropped the bomb that it's all taken it's toll. That he never stopped to ask himself what he wants out of a relationship, what makes him happy and that he is starting to. That he is seeing that our values are far too different to overcome. Value example 1: He loves to keep up with politics, he loves to read thought provoking, brain food books and he says that because I don't have an interest in that, that I am not helping him grow as a person. He doesn't see me as ambitious and it's pulling him down. (I beg to differ, I see myself as ambitious just not in the same way that he is ambitious.) I work 55 hours a week sometimes (he says it's not a brain stimulating job) and come home, sometimes I get on Facebook or turn on the tv when I get home. He would prefer to see me reading or feeding my brain and that is a problem for him. Values 2: he doesn't value his family as much as I value family and he thinks that is a problem and will continue to be a problem in the future. He isn't a family person but he has a fantastic family. He also told me that he only half wants to be with me at this point. He loves me, he's attracted to me, and he's afraid of losing our relationship but that he thinks it's time we split. I have asked him to try a little longer. I'm going to seriously work on my anxiety problems and see if that impacts many areas in our relationship, maybe I'll join a yoga class. He has agreed to try but says he doesn't think it'll work, although he wants it to. He also has stated that he does not think he needs to do any changing. He has also admitted that he fantasizes about living alone where he can really focus on his reading/writing and not feel weighed down. (He even looked into a place) he's not a cold person generally, he kisses me, cuddles, asks how my day was.
> 
> I feel like this values situation can be handled. What we can figure this out because I really don't want to get a divorce.
> Any insight or revelations?



OMG girl! You need to work on your self esteem, you are a licenced nurse with a "proper' job, he is a scrounger working in a coffee shop. Anyone can get an M Phil esp if its from some crappy university. Was he trying to do a PhD and didn't quite make it perhaps?
You need to turn this back on him, give him what he wants.

1. Tell him to f off and move out, do not give him money, financial support etc. I assume you are the main breadwinner?
2. Go and see a lawyer about your options
3. Do the 180 on him, emotionally detach, don't talk to him about the marriage/relationship. Dont do anything for him, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, etc. Give him what he wants.
4. Start going out with friends, join a gym, act as if you are moving on with life ( I know a 55 work week is tough, how can he no see that!) but try to do things in the eve that do not involve him, start living as if he doesnt exist. Let him see what it is like without you in his life.
5. Tell one or two of your close friends what he has been saying, what do your friends and family think of him? That should give you some additional insight.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I agree with everyone above.

He has his degree in philosophy and now he thinks that you and him do not have anything in common and that he is better than you.

What are your common interests?

He will cheat on you if he already hasn't because he needs intellectual stimulation and he does not feel that he is getting it from your relationship.

You do not need to change.

According to him, he is now a different person and he wants out. 13-28 is a good long run, but peoples personalities and minds continue to develop and 27 is around the time when you stop growing and your values and desires are settled.

The relationship is over. Part ways peacefully, mourn your relationship and find someone else when the time is right.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Whether he's cheating or not he's certainly not doing you any good. Let him contemplate his future on someone elses's dime. I think that it's insulting that he wants you to read when you get home after a 55 hour week.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What I see is a guy who has *a master's in philosophy (which is pretty useless*) and works at a coffee shop. He is blaming you because he is feeling unfulfilled. You can't fix that. It isn't yours to fix.


:grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2:

Mark..........Twain....three meters deep, Bosun!

Madame Captain! We are in uncertain waters!

Shut up Bosn', I be steering!

..........................................................................................................................................................................

HollyHobby

He has outgrown you. 

He will not outgrow this life. It will starve him out. 

Let him go.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi,

Cut down to 35-40 hours a week. He is throwing a impolite need request and doesn't know how to phrase it to get your attention. He should say I miss you and need you more, then tell you exactly what he is feeling and needs without criticism. He can make a complaint and an offer for you to turn towards him and get reconnected. Give him some romance regularly. I will turn around and make your together time a priority. If not getting along try throwing out a line that diffuses the stress and if he has any decent emotional intelligence he should pick up on your life line to correct and reconnect again to you. If he doesn't get it say it again or show affection if it is appropriate. Read up on Gottman Ph.D. Plus the proper feeding of husbands is a good thing to read. A man should read it too. It is by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
Your issue is very fixable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Davidmidwest said:


> Hi,
> 
> Cut down to 35-40 hours a week. He is throwing a impolite need request and doesn't know how to phrase it to get your attention. He should say I miss you and need you more, then tell you exactly what he is feeling and needs without criticism. He can make a complaint and an offer for you to turn towards him and get reconnected. Give him some romance regularly. I will turn around and make your together time a priority. If not getting along try throwing out a line that diffuses the stress and if he has any decent emotional intelligence he should pick up on your life line to correct and reconnect again to you. If he doesn't get it say it again or show affection if it is appropriate. Read up on Gottman Ph.D. Plus the proper feeding of husbands is a good thing to read. A man should read it too. It is by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
> Your issue is very fixable.




The book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is written for women who are SAHM's who are not very sensitive to the needs of their husbands. The OP does not fit that criteria. She is married to a man is the more like the women that book was written for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hollyhobbie,

I'm writing to check in on your. How are you holding up?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, you should ask him who the new, intellectually stimulating woman is.


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