# 6 Months Ago Today. The Pain Continues.



## sczinger

Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover. 

Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.

It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


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## SentHereForAReason

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


Can you elaborate on this? "still denying it to this day" who is denying what? Is she denying she had an affair to friends and family, to you or do you mean you are in denial. 

I know how it feels, many of us here do. For me, 18 years, 2 kids together, half of our lives ... gone in a matter of months. I know it hurts dude and for those that vested everything and valued family, the relationship, even though we made mistakes along the way, it hurts but it will get better but only if you let it get better.

Let's just talk about this for a moment "she won"

Do you believe in God? Even if you don't, do you value integrity, honesty and being a good person? She may have 'skated' for the time being but she surely hasn't won. 

There's not winning in losing between the two of you in situations like this. You can still win but it won't be in a game against her. It will be the game of life. You move on, you find someone and somethings that you love and love you back/give you back what you put into it. That is when you will have won.


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## Bananapeel

Grief follows it's own timeline and it's healthy to be in touch with your feelings. I can remember the exact moment when I realized that I was no longer angry about my XW cheating, I can remember the exact moment when I was happy again, and I can remember the moment where I realized that I was healthy enough to allow myself to be in a future LTR with someone else if I should happen to meet the perfect person for me. The thing is you just can't rush this stuff. It will happen when you are ready. Now is a great time to work on self improvement to keep yourself occupied while you heal.


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## Ynot

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


Dude, it has been almost four years for me. I still sometimes find myself feeling anger over every thing that has happened. But know this, better days are coming for you. Take the time to feel the pain and learn from the experience. Focus your energies on making a better life for your self.
It often seems like the other side "won". I remember thinking how my ex waltzed off into the sunset with her new friends, purchased a condo and was living high on the hog enjoying her new life.
More recently I have found out, she is on her third or fourth job since she took off. She has no relationship with our children (who any case think she is a shallow self centered narcissist). She is seeing some guy who has his divorced daughter living with him and he is raising his own grandson.
I just spent a long week end hanging out with those same kids, she has no relationship with. We had a great time. Apparently me having a relationship with my kids makes her angry. Karma always catches up with every one. So be a good person, treat others with kindness and all the seeds you sow will reap you more prosperity than you can imagine.


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## sczinger

stillfightingforus said:


> Can you elaborate on this? "still denying it to this day" who is denying what? Is she denying she had an affair to friends and family, to you or do you mean you are in denial.


When I suspected she was cheating I contacted the APs wife. Between the 4000+ copies of texts and phone calls at all times of the night, the location tracking by his BW showing the two of them together when my EWW said she was somewhere else, all the other signs that, only now that I am less emotional, now make sense, they both continue to deny. Both the APs wife and I are now divorced from the WSs and both EWSs are now saying they have gotten very close as a result of both going through a divorce and helping each other through it. How convenient.

I have been going to counseling since the first month. It has helped. Yes, I have a strong faith in God. Even stronger since this happened. This win-lose feeling is not something I chose to feel. But it does sneak in from time to time. I forgive her every day... for me. I was very close to both sets of her parent/stepparents. Her dad completely believes that she was unfaithful but she flat out denies it to him. I don't expect her family and friend to chose my side. She is their blood. It's just beyond frustrating.


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## Openminded

Grief for the lost life takes time. It has its own timetable and you can't fast forward it no matter how much you wish you could. It takes as long as it takes. It will pass.


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## Yeswecan

Rest assured "the boss" will be getting the same spiel. In due time, due time. Who in the right mind needs that. 

With that said, you will heal and find better. When you do, it is then you realize what had was not that great.


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## sczinger

Yeswecan said:


> Rest assured "the boss" will be getting the same spiel. In due time, due time. Who in the right mind needs that.
> 
> With that said, you will heal and find better. When you do, it is then you realize what had was not that great.


I would think if the boss gets the same "spiel" the "spieler" will get "das boot"... I would like to hear about that.

How can a woman who seemed so together possibly think this will have a good outcome? Have an affair with her boss, who "was" married and an 11-year-old daughter. That's what I just don't get.


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## SentHereForAReason

sczinger said:


> I would think if the boss gets the same "spiel" the "spieler" will get "das boot"... I would like to hear about that.
> 
> How can a woman who seemed so together possibly think this will have a good outcome? Have an affair with her boss, who "was" married and an 11-year-old daughter. That's what I just don't get.


Not that it makes it that much easier but the sooner you realize, reality as we know it, as a sane person knows it, is not even close to the same reality as what someone that is in the 'fog' or is a flat out narcissist. I am a analytical person a rational person that tries to figure everything out. In these cases, that doesn't work. Everything that in their mind is justified, can be justified and is a big misunderstanding and they are just following their own happiness and you should just understand.

If you haven't already, give this book a shot - https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheate.../ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=


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## Yeswecan

sczinger said:


> I would think if the boss gets the same "spiel" the "spieler" will get "das boot"... I would like to hear about that.
> 
> How can a woman who seemed so together possibly think this will have a good outcome? Have an affair with her boss, who "was" married and an 11-year-old daughter. That's what I just don't get.


It is all unicorns farting rainbows in a field full of tropical Skittles. Then the rains come.


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## 3Xnocharm

Six months really isn't that long, and its ok to grieve for a time. Currently she is renting way too much space in your head, which is normal so soon out, but eventually you need to kick the freeloader out. I had to literally force my cheater and his skank out of my head, because I finally came to the realization that I was the only one who was allowing them to be there... a place they didn't deserve to be. Also I knew they didn't give a single damn thought to me and were living their lives free and easy. So every time they came into my mind I started yelling at my mind STOP! Out loud whenever I was able to, which weirdly enough really helps lol...


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


Partly because you are romanticizing her and your relationship. 

She didn't make one horrible choice she made a **** ton of them. She also wasn't the friend you thought you had, she was with you while it benefited her. She left when it didn't. That makes her a pretty crappy friend. 

You need to start looking at this for what it was. You had a good thing as long as she wanted it but there was no loyalty. So she was kind of sucky. You can do better. That is the real issue, you are still thinking (partly understandably as it takes time for your brain to rewire) you are still thinking that she is your only path to happiness. That is not true.


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## Suspicious1

Take it from they all realized the royally Effed up big time, either someone close to them lets them know or they're rotting conscious kick in a panic! 

I'm know because my ex of 20 years has been trying to find her way back not sure why, probably to get a guilt free sleep or what
I showed the few text to my current wife she felt sorry for her, I decided to block her. As I want nothing to do with her, I can speak to my kids any time I don't need her trying to be my friend, that train left the station a while ago.. 

It's too late.

Good luck, and take the best care of yourself, work out travel
The best is yet to come believe this.

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist

Certain dates will likely often be a trigger, but it will get better. You are grieving the loss of your dream. The cheating was about her--who she is or is not, not about you. Even if you were the perfect man--(no such thing ; ) --things likely would have been the same. Of course, they want to pretend their alliance is your fault--gas-lighting 101.

There is no gain in comparing your happiness to her currently perceived life. Karma will likely even the score, even many years later; but you should, by then, be in a place where you do not know or care. You are blessed to have supportive, caring children. 

Vent here all you wish--we hear and support you. That's a win for sure.


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## arbitrator

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


*Sounds like perhaps you're the winner!

You need to execute a fast post-separation "180" on her or you'll end up driving yourself crazier than a Bessie-bug! None of this is your fault, although you are undoubtedly the victim!

Mourn her loss, but you deserve far better out of life! Good riddance ~ you will survive!*


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## arbitrator

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


*Sounds like your the winner!

You need to execute a fast post-separation "180" on her or you'll end up driving yourself crazier than a Bessie-bug! None of this is your fault, although you are undoubtedly the victim!

Mourn her loss, but you deserve far better out of life! Good riddance ~ you will survive!*


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## BobSimmons

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


Won what?

She's an a-hole. She lied and cheated then went on with her life. You place such high value on her and her cheating ways and focus on her life and continue to tie yourself to her instead of placing the highest value on the only person that matters and that is you.

Not to be crude but have you gone out and been with other women? Had fun? A woman can always move on quicker because it's easier to entice a man with a wink and a smile. A little bit of a false economy because guess what your ex still has that character of not giving two sh*ts which allows her to sleep at night and "win" her life.

Time to get on with yours. Moping will only get you more heartache. By all means still be pissed at what she did, but don't reward her any prizes saying she "won" You rooted a cheater out of your life and continue to give her priority. 

You believe she's won? That's sad man. Really sad.


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## Lostinthought61

Curious Sczinger, what did the kids think of their moms actions?


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## sczinger

stillfightingforus said:


> If you haven't already, give this book a shot - https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheate.../ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=


stillfightingforus: OMG. I wish I'd known about this book 6 1/2 months ago. This is a gem and should be required reading for JFOs. Thank you so much. I downloaded the Audible version and listened most of the day yesterday. This pulled the bag off from over my head. It is exactly what my EWW did. She is nothing but typical. Textbook. It also made me realize that I inherently did so many things right. While she was still in her "fog" I somehow found a shred of logic when she said she loved me but wasn't in love with me and she didn't want any maintenance. I filed uncontested with no minor children, without a lawyer. She signed immediately and the divorce was final 10 days later. $148.00 and she was out. Now, waiting for my heart to catch up with my brain.


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> stillfightingforus: OMG. I wish I'd known about this book 6 1/2 months ago. This is a gem and should be required reading for JFOs. Thank you so much. I downloaded the Audible version and listened most of the day yesterday. This pulled the bag off from over my head. It is exactly what my EWW did. She is nothing by typical. Textbook. It also made me realize that I inherently did so many things right. While she was still in her "fog" I somehow found a shred of logic when she said she loved me but wasn't in love with me and she didn't want any maintenance. I filed uncontested with no minor children, without a lawyer. She signed immediately and the divorce was final 10 days later. $148.00 and she was out. Now, waiting for my heart to catch up with my brain.


Here is her blog

https://www.chumplady.com/ 

She used to post here.


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## Hope Shimmers

sczinger. I'm a little late on this one, but I have to say just one thing. 

(Okay, more than one thing -- I never say just one thing)

"She won"? Hmmm. Depends on what you think she won.

She gave up a loyal, honest, loving husband for a man who cheated on his wife and kid. 

Well, I don't think she won that one.

She lost the respect of -- and therefore the relationships with -- her kids. 

Nope, don't think she won that either.

She lost her job and can't keep a new one.

Strike three.

She lives happily in a condo. Well, lots of people live in condos. But guess what... she gets to live there with a man who cheated with her and will most certainly cheat on her. But of course, she's in the same boat. The only real question is who will do it first.

From where I sit, she sounds like one of the dumbest people I've never met. No offense meant, but man, did she screw up.

When it all comes tumbling down, and it will... you will have the last laugh. Because I promise you, by then you will realize YOU are the one who really won.

Six months is no time, not after a long-term relationship. When you're ready, get out there and spend some time with other women, groups of friends... groups of friends with other women. Guarantee you that you won't have any problems, ANY problems, meeting a new woman. Only when you're ready. And avoid long-distance relationships; they suck.

One of these days she's going to regret what she did, in a very big way. And then YOU will be the one walking the other direction.

Hang in there.


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## Betrayedone

sczinger said:


> stillfightingforus: OMG. I wish I'd known about this book 6 1/2 months ago. This is a gem and should be required reading for JFOs. Thank you so much. I downloaded the Audible version and listened most of the day yesterday. This pulled the bag off from over my head. It is exactly what my EWW did. She is nothing but typical. Textbook. It also made me realize that I inherently did so many things right. While she was still in her "fog" I somehow found a shred of logic when she said she loved me but wasn't in love with me and she didn't want any maintenance. I filed uncontested with no minor children, without a lawyer. She signed immediately and the divorce was final 10 days later. $148.00 and she was out. Now, waiting for my heart to catch up with my brain.


.........Look at the bright side........It only cost you 148 bucks and you skipped the long, painful, breakup phase........Not that anyone ever wants to be in this position but you blew through it very quickly.


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## Bananapeel

This should be your new theme song that you play whenever you think of her...

Eamon - F it


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## BigToe

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.


Hearts can take a long time to heal. Give it time.


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## sczinger

Lostinthought61 said:


> Curious Sczinger, what did the kids think of their moms actions?


She has three kids, a 23-year-old daughter, a 21-year-old daughter, and a 19-year-old son. The last two love me to death. In fact, the 21-year-old cried to a friend that she couldn't believe she was losing a dad for the second time. We were pretty close. the youngest son and I are also close but he has been in the Airforce since last August. The oldest never warmed up to me, or any other human for that matter. She is a non-factor. They love their mother, as they should. She has been a good mom to them. The middle daughter is actually working as a server at the restaurant where her mom is one of the managers. The AP is the general manager of the restaurant. I don't hear from any of them. I've pretty much been cut out of their lives. I miss the youngest two but it has made no contact much easier. It just all happened so quickly. One minute I had a loving wife and some really nice inlaws and then a moment later that was all gone. I know I did a lot of things right like not doing the pick me dance. When she said I'm not in love with you anymore... boom... divorced within two weeks and she was gone. Like someone else told me on here, I now am waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind.


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## Fazz

sczinger said:


> Today marks 6 months since my XWW moved out. Although I'm not writhing on the floor in emotional distress, that sledgehammer called grief keeps pounding me in the gut at least once a day. I see her face, my best friend, smiling at me. My confidant, my lover, my wife. Suddenly, gone and in the arms of another. Looking at him with the same smiling face, his best friend, his confidant, and his lover.
> 
> Ten years of helping raise her 3 kids. All the caring loving things we did for each other... down the drain and destroyed by one horrible choice she made with her boss. The cold and callous way in which she left...out of the blue one day saying she was not in love with me anymore. Despite discovering all of her secret texts and phone calls, lies, blame shifting... From a woman that no one thought could possibly have done something like this...still denying it to this day. Why would I still have a deep love for another human that destroyed my heart? Why a half a year later and zero contact do I still have any feelings for her.
> 
> It was almost more cathartic the first 3 months to end my self-query with the words "SHE CHEATED ON YOU, SHE BROKE YOUR WEDDING VOWS". Now, when I utter those words, they seem empty. Like my soul. Now that the dust has settled she has her friends back, her family acts as if nothing has happened. She has won. I continue to feel the loss, every day.



Really sorry to hear about the situation you are faced with. I think what you are feeling is very normal and valid, regardless of the way you were treated. You had a significant connection and it was cut off (in a terrible way). It may be worthwhile reflecting on the situation and determining what you have learned from it, how you can improve and refine as a person (not suggesting that you are to blame for what has happened), every situation teaches us something about ourselves, and this is no exception. It is a terrible situation however you may as well take all the learnings possible about yourself, and your relationship.

Next just give it some time for you to heal somewhat. Time has a funny way of helping clear our thoughts and calm our emotions. 

Finally, have confidence that life will present you with happiness and a fresh start once you pursue it. Every time I have had a major challenge in life, not only has it been resolved, but I've actually come out of it with a lot more than I had lost. I've experienced this in relationships, education career and other personal matters.

Just my tiny contribution


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