# Waiting for acceptance from my ex so I can move on



## [email protected] (Apr 19, 2018)

Five weeks ago I made the huge decision to leave my husband of 16 years and give him 50/50 custody of the kids. I had reached a point of no return after rejection and me disattaching. I changed and turned into a person who I no longer loved. I wanted to fine again as I got lost along the way. My ex is not dealing with this seperation and everyday pleads for me to go back. I hate continually disappointing him by saying no. He shuts down when I try to talk about finances as I am wanting to buy him out and live back in my house. I am currently in theee different locations and I just want a routine setup quickly for the kids. He won’t enter any conversation about this process as he hasn’t accepted that this is over. Any suggestions on what I should do?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Stand your ground !!!!!!! His disappointment is not your concern. It is his. Once you find yourself you will look back and understand this is
the best thing you ever did for yourself. Have you ever heard a divorced person say they wish they did not do it, or someone say I don't
mind the expense of losing who I am to make the other happy?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Any suggestions on what I should do?


Yes, although it's not the solution you would prefer, it is nevertheless the best-attainable solution from where you're at.

Even when your XH finally accepts that "it's over", he may still not want to sell out the house. You may have to litigate for it, which is not any quick process, and I have no idea whether you have claim to it legally, or not.
You would have to contact an attorney, which I suggest you do..... you don't have to proceed with the suit if you think your chances of winning are low.

But, your kids need a "home", not a "house".... and a "home" is where they are together with you and their siblings. Owning a house does not alter what you are delivering to your children in any way. Your children have no interest in the financial ramifications of ownership....."owning" you is the only important thing to them.

In my first 18 years of life, I lived in 8 different houses, and attended 5 different schools before high school graduation. I'm here to tell you that I missed absolutely nothing.... because no matter what "house" or "school", I was always wherever my parents were.

In fact, knowing you want the house provides your XH a "bargaining chip".... he may feel that keeping the house may entice you to move back in.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have you already retained an attorney and started the divorce process already?

With rare exception, being served with those more than painful papers usually has a rather sobering effect upon the recipient!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Five weeks ago I made the huge decision to leave my husband of 16 years and give him 50/50 custody of the kids.* I had reached a point of no return after rejection and me disattaching. I changed and turned into a person who I no longer loved. I wanted to fine again as I got lost along the way*. My ex is not dealing with this seperation and everyday pleads for me to go back. I hate continually disappointing him by saying no. He shuts down when I try to talk about finances as I am wanting to buy him out and live back in my house. I am currently in theee different locations and I just want a routine setup quickly for the kids. He won’t enter any conversation about this process as he hasn’t accepted that this is over. Any suggestions on what I should do?


What does this mean in the bolded part? 

Please elaborate. How did you get lost? What did you do?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Time for a lawyer and litigation if necessary.


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## bethebetterman (Apr 5, 2018)

You don't say whether there was anyone else involved or whether separation was mentioned and a period of you both trying to save the marriage preceded your decision or whether it was out of the blue. 

If you are absolutely convinced that D is the end result and that you want out then thats going to be tough on him if he wasn't expecting it. He needs to know that you are serious and that that is the end - have you filed for D?. 

Don't be tempted to talk to him or to explain why - it will just lead to more pain in the long run as he tries to hold on to the relationship - he will only hear what he wants to from what you say to him. Best to be silent on your reasons and simply polite and courteous when dealing with him for the kids.

Quick question - why is it so important to talk finances with him so soon? It sounds as though you have the ability to find somewhere to live which you can use as a base for a year or two whilst you work through D and the finances. Pushing it now will just lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment for you both. 

He needs time to process it and work towards acceptance. Some can do this in days or weeks but for most it takes months and can be set back to the start again at any point if he perceives any wavering in your resolve. 

My advice. Take a step back. Concentrate on looking after your kids and giving them a stable environment. Dont try to engage with him on anything long term at the moment. File for D if you have not already and move that along. Once he knows D is happening suggest going to mediation to sort out the financials. Its much less adversorial and far more cost effective to mediate via an independent expert and is going to be better for you both in the long run. During mediation be prepared to see different perspectives and compromise. Keep an open mind. Is it really essential that you buy him out, Would it not be better in the long term if you sold up and split the proceeds? Don't use the kids as an excuse to justify anything financially. People move house and take their kids to new houses all the time. Kids are surprisingly resilient. 

Most of all stay polite and courteous. When you are talking about finances or the kids make suggestions or ask questions or use "we" rather than make statements. For example - when talking about the house try "we both need to have somewhere to live that the kids can call home. Do you have any suggestions on how we might solve that?" He will come to respect you over time and it will save you both a lot of unnecessary conflict and expense. You will be tempted to think the worst of motives for anything he does or says - be very aware of this and don't fall into that trap. Try to think the best of him and that you were simply incompatible in the end. It will help you both.

I learned all this the hard way. I was not in the right frame of mind when my ex suggested mediation on finances a week after she asked to separate. It was way too early for me to be rational and reasonable (especially as there was another man pushing her along). If she had given me a couple of months to process it the end result would have been better for both of us financially and emotionally. 

Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster but it doesn't have to be adversorial - nor does it have to cost a fortune. Showing respect, politeness, courtesy and being willing to compromise will pay dividends for your post divorce relationship - remember you have kids so you will need to be in touch for a long time with your ex. Also remember there are no winners - you will both lose something. Make sure you pay with the thing that you value least. 

Your kids will be taking cues from both of you - show them how to handle a break up with good grace and they will learn a very valuable life lesson - remember money has a finite value but the example you set your kids - that is priceless.

Hope that helps


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## [email protected] (Apr 19, 2018)

Thank you for all of you responses and taking the time to reply. I have definitely found some of your responses helpful. I have been spending quality time with my kids so haven’t spent much time on here. The three locations I am living in is not ideal. First one is my parents for five of the days that I have my kids and then two days at my actual house and the week I have off I am house sitting just to experience what being by myself is going to be like. There hasn’t been any movement in regards to talking about finances so I am going to try and work out a settlement of what I think is appropriate and put it to him in writing. If he still fails to respond then I will have to go down the solicitor path which is something he wanted to avoid. I’ll keep you posted on how I go.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

[email protected] said:


> Five weeks ago I made the huge decision to leave my husband of 16 years and give him 50/50 custody of the kids. I had reached a point of no return after rejection and me disattaching. I changed and turned into a person who I no longer loved. I wanted to fine again as I got lost along the way. My ex is not dealing with this seperation and everyday pleads for me to go back. I hate continually disappointing him by saying no. He shuts down when I try to talk about finances as I am wanting to buy him out and live back in my house. I am currently in theee different locations and I just want a routine setup quickly for the kids. He won’t enter any conversation about this process as he hasn’t accepted that this is over. Any suggestions on what I should do?


What caused you to reach a point of no return? Why did you change? You got lost along what way?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Keep no contact as much as possible. Give him a drop dead date and file if he doesn't respond.


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## [email protected] (Apr 19, 2018)

Thanks for your response. I have definitely felt happier within myself in the short amount of time that I have left the relationship. I do hate disappointing people especially someone I have lived and cared about them for over half of my life.


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