# Odd separation.



## Fighting2win (Dec 18, 2011)

Going on 3 weeks now since my wife left home, or if you look at her perspective I kicked her out. 3 months earlier she told me she was unhappy with things wanted to try open relationship which I was not down for. When I tried to confront the situation she wanted to just sweep it under the rug and how she was just having a moment of craziness. 

As of 3 weeks ago it was about the same situation she was unhappy doesn't feel ready to be married anymore and wants to experience things, be young and be allowed to make mistakes. We've been married for over a year. Our dating has been for 4 years, though that's where I suppose our relationship can come off odd. We met online, she became head over heels for me we traveled back and forth to visit one another. Her more than me. Though through out our relationship I often advise her that she should enjoy the world around here, she got out of a bad relationship and then with me. But would never took it try, she just wanted to wait by the computer for when I'm on. Even when she moved more towards asia where her parents left her to "grow up" she still didn't want to explore. I worry that was our downfall so much that she didn't experience things she should have before coming here.

In the end we knew after 4 years something had to give, either I go there or she came here. In the end she came here we knew getting married was the only way. Even getting married for legal matters we both saw each other as the "end result" that perhaps in 5 years we would have a more proper wedding. 

6 months being here she landed a job at retail store. Met many people around her age (which is only 2 years less than mine 24-26). I wanted her to have her own life here make friends, not feel she will be in my shadow always since this was her new home and I wanted it to be a good experience for her. Bite me in the butt for doing so. She began to just want to party and go out and stay late. She started to feel she's too young for all this we're in and now isn't sure if she wants this. One day says she wants counseling then never follows through (her job offers 8 free sessions to counseling). 

I blame the people around her, since she was so positive through our relationship head over heals for 4 years straight and even for the 8 months of the marriage. She slowly showing signs there's no return for her. But still keeps calling me things such as "babe" in text I don't know if to pacify me or what. I love her, and I don't deny we had our moments long distance where I wasn't sure of things even not log on for weeks at a time. And she stood by for me to love and cherish. 

Part of me feels I should do the same I owe that much if she was willing for me, and I truly do love her and want to be with her. I wasn't the best reacting to all this the first couple days kind of ran my mouth to some I probably shouldn't have. But things have settled and I've not spammed her with text or phone calls. Been civil and polite conversations. I just need to know what to do to help her remember who she is. We're having dinner on the 28th need to know how I should act so far I figure just to be cool about things, but not sure if I should be blunt and see if this is going to work out or we should just call it quits. Hell I don't even know if I should say "merry christmas" via text on the 25th.

Some advice on this would be great. I figure the most I can do so far is to just give her space, but I feel the more I give the farther she'll go from being able to be recovered.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

My WH and I also had a relationship over distance mediated by the computer with frequent visits in between. When we began to have problems, I looked into a lot of literature that talked about how the isolated bubble through which a couple tends to communicate creates an easy intimacy. It's harder to build that same intimacy when you are physically together and people go back to old patterns and things instead. You have to be able to find ways in which you can recreate the ways that you connected before living in proximity so that you can bond all over again. You should court her again, date her again. See if maybe she is just feeling a little overwhelmed with all the changes and just restless and uncertain and unable to fit in. Also, consider paying some careful attention to her and her patterns of behavior to see if you can find out if she is having an affair. While her reason seems to make sense, it also implies that you guys might just give each other more space in the marriage rather than call it quits. Maybe she wants to leave the marriage and is just behaving that way so that you won't feel as bad about letting her go. My WH and I are separated and it isn't looking good for us. This adjustment was probably more of an issue than either of us sensed. He used the internet to find and conduct affairs, replicated the patterns that we ourselves employed during our own courtship (6 years prior to marriage, been married for one year) with other women and completely tuned me out as a romantic partner. I wonder sometimes if he was just looking for an exit because things were different between us after marriage and moving in together than they were when we were apart and missing each other and only saw each other over vacation time. See if making her a more integral part of your life, giving her more time helps at all. Or, maybe compromise with her and say that you will agree to a divorce if she agrees to first go to 8 counseling sessions with you and you guys are honest about what those problems are so that at least you can say you gave it a fair try. Trust me, being the loyal spouse or the committed spouse while the other is doing the rejecting (whether or not they admit to it) hurts like hell. She is probably saying that you kicked her out, rather than admitting to herself that she left, because she doesn't want to feel like the baddie. Blame-shifting. I suspect that she wasn't quite as committed to you as she led you to believe and that, now, she is just more tempted elsewhere yet again, given your moments of doubt (as mentioned above); however, you can't always find out the truth.

Ask yourself if you can accept things as they are and stay married. If not, then ask if there is a way that you might be able to improve them or change them (such as by counseling). If not, then you should leave. If you have hope that things can change, then try -- but, give yourself a realistic frame for trying. You can never force someone to love you. They give you love and commitment freely or it just isn't real. Look up the thing called the 180 that people talk about; kinda tough at first because it feels weird and wrong, but it's a good method.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Apparently your relationship does not move well into the 'real world' where you both are living together. This is no unusual.

If she wants to do you will have to let her. 

In the future do not repeat this long distance, computer relaionship. I am sure there are good, loving women who live in the same city you live int.


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