# Interracial marriage failing at least it feels like it could use some advice here



## AlishaBaby008 (Oct 21, 2020)

Hey guys I am in need of some advice with regards to my marriage. I feel like it is starting to fail and I don't want it to. Some background my husband and I have been married for a couple of years but have been together since high school we both have really well-paying jobs so no real money issues. We are an interracial couple with him being a white guy I know shocking and myself African American. We have been together so long and we have been through the wringer and have weathered a lot of things living in the south of the US it is still I guess shocking when two people of different races fall in love. We both instantly clicked even back in High school his family hasn't ever been the most supportive of our relationship and his stepmom threatened repeatedly to disown him if he chose to stay with me. My Family I feel has defiantly taken him in as one of our own and we have always had his back even when his family and friends have chosen to turn their backs on him. Well, we recently discovered that we are expecting our first and we have both want kids and have always talked about it. We weren't actively trying for one but we weren't really trying not to if that makes sense? Well, I guess in the last week he has started to just distance himself from me and I can drop the most subtle of hints that he normally instantly picks up on for sex and he just isn't interested and he has been pretty abrasive and irritable and when I try and talk to him about it he just snaps and says it is nothing. He hasn't ever been like this before our communication is normally just on point and amazing but this week into last it just isn't there. And I have tried everything and he just isn't wanting to open up to me and I am honestly at a loss for words of what to do, My first thought was he is cheating on me but not him he is too loyal and just isn't the type to step out on a Women, ya know? I honestly think it is his family but I am unsure? I just dunno how to get through to him and hoping some fresh eyes can lend some perspective on this and help me? Thank's Y'all.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Really too little information to give advice. You spend most of the note (and even the title) discussing the interracial background of your marriage, and seem to have already started jumping to the conclusion that it is the cause of his change (you say "I honestly think it is his family but I am unsure").

Sometimes pre-formed conclusions may make you miss other potential explanations. After all, same-race couples often have this same problem. By reviewing some of the other threads in this forum, you may see situations similar to your.

First of all, from your post, it looks like it's only been one week. Really, that is too short to even say this is truly a problem. Many things can occur that would make him change for 1 week. Think of the possibilities:


maybe new stresses at work are preoccupying him
maybe he's not feeling well
-maybe he's been thinking about other people (family, co-workers, friends) whose situation has made him depressed or contemplative or worried

maybe he's worried about the new baby on the way and how it may change your marriage.
maybe, WITHOUT REALIZING IT, you've done something to cause resentment in him
maybe, WITHOUT REALIZING IT, something made him woder about YOU cheating (even if you aren't cheating, sometimes things happen that lead spouses to the wrong conclusion).
maybe other people--your family, his family, whoever-- has offended him and he's too preoccupied with that issue to respond to your sexually
maybe he's developing a hormone or medical issue
maybe for some reason he has anxiety about his sexual performance, and is just avoiding sex now in response
there's potentially many many other possibilities as well.

So, unfortunately, given this kind of list of possibilities, it is too early to say what the problem is, and there's not enough background information (besides the interracial aspect) to even begin to guess at a cause.

However, maybe this list will be a starting point to help get YOU to start thinking of possibilities.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whatever is going on, he needs to communicate with you.

Regardless of bias from family, if you two don't talk about things, including whatever is bothering him obviously, then your marriage won't survive.

Get to the bottom of it. Let him know you love him but you aren't going to keep taking his cold shoulder and distance.

That isn't what you married him for.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Could it be that he was taken by surprise about the baby and wanted to wait longer? Sounds as if you didnt really plan to have a baby but that it just happened. 
I doubt this has anything to do with the fact that you are both different races.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The hardest part of interracial marriages happens when children come about. 
It just adds to the stress.

And, with a child or two added, and knowing that further public scrutiny and comments will ensue. 

Yes, with most of these being patently unfair, biased, but still real.

No one likes to feel, that person everyone is looking at (maybe cynically).

If either partner is uneasy about_ any _relationship, adding children soon brings it to the surface.

Humans are tribal, always have been.

Good luck, God bless.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AlishaBaby008 said:


> Hey guys I am in need of some advice with regards to my marriage. I feel like it is starting to fail and I don't want it to. Some background my husband and I have been married for a couple of years but have been together since high school we both have really well-paying jobs so no real money issues. We are an interracial couple with him being a white guy I know shocking and myself African American. We have been together so long and we have been through the wringer and have weathered a lot of things living in the south of the US it is still I guess shocking when two people of different races fall in love. We both instantly clicked even back in High school his family hasn't ever been the most supportive of our relationship and his stepmom threatened repeatedly to disown him if he chose to stay with me. My Family I feel has defiantly taken him in as one of our own and we have always had his back even when his family and friends have chosen to turn their backs on him. Well, we recently discovered that we are expecting our first and we have both want kids and have always talked about it. We weren't actively trying for one but we weren't really trying not to if that makes sense? *Well, I guess in the last week he has started to just distance himself from me and I can drop the most subtle of hints that he normally instantly picks up on for sex and he just isn't interested and he has been pretty abrasive and irritable and when I try and talk to him about it he just snaps and says it is nothing.* He hasn't ever been like this before our communication is normally just on point and amazing but this week into last it just isn't there. And I have tried everything and he just isn't wanting to open up to me and I am honestly at a loss for words of what to do, My first thought was he is cheating on me but not him he is too loyal and just isn't the type to step out on a Women, ya know? I honestly think it is his family but I am unsure? I just dunno how to get through to him and hoping some fresh eyes can lend some perspective on this and help me? Thank's Y'all.


Yeah, don't accept that. You're married and this is his responsibility to remain transparent with you. Drill him.

It could be as simple as racist c-nts or it could be more.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I dont think this has to do with race as he is married to you. This sounds more about your marriage or your pending pregnancy.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Your H has to make you number one...even over family. Cut the apron strings and be a man. If this means losing contact with family...so be it. If his family is riding his back he must learn to detach and be his own man.


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## AlishaBaby008 (Oct 21, 2020)

It honestly could be the pregnancy but we both talked about it and we both want kids, And he seemed genuinely excited when I told him I was pregnant. Just never had him just start giving me the cold shoulder before. I know I didn't give a lot to go on because Honestly, he hasn't given me a lot to go on or even understand what is wrong with him. Going to try and talk to him when he gets home from work and see if I can get him to stop being so moody and just open up to me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AlishaBaby008 said:


> It honestly could be the pregnancy but we both talked about it and we both want kids, And he seemed genuinely excited when I told him I was pregnant. Just never had him just start giving me the cold shoulder before. I know I didn't give a lot to go on because Honestly, he hasn't given me a lot to go on or even understand what is wrong with him. Going to try and talk to him when he gets home from work and see if I can get him to stop being so moody and just open up to me.


Be strong, start a fight if you have to. You can't maintain a healthy marriage if this lack of transparency is going to be habitual.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

the good news if you will is that interracial couples have the same problems and issues that same-race couples have and not everything is related to race. 

The bad news is interracial couples have the same problems and issues that same-race couple have and not everything is related to race. 

One of my best friends (white) married an AA woman. 

She was crazier than a loon, abusive towards him and ultimately towards the kids and was just a crumby person in general. 

He was weak and a total beta boy and couldn't set or enforce a boundary if his life depended on it. He was a physics nerd that had no grasp of human emotion or behavior and couldn't understand why people didn't act and react like robots and computers. 

She chalked up all their problems to his friends and family being racist and prejudiced. 

He chalked up all their problems to society as a whole being racist and prejudiced. 

Neither realized THEY were the problem and their own lack of social and interpersonal skills and communication and common decency were the problems. 

Where I'm going with this is pregnancy is stressful and taxing time regardless of melanin or familiar backgrounds. It's not all joy and fun and loving. We have two kids and life sucked during both pregnancies and when they were babies and it was very difficult making the change from two independent, carefree adults to being parents and we are both as white as the fresh fallen snow. 

Put race on the shelf for now and address this as a relationship issue where he is being sullen and withdrawn at a time when you two need to be getting on the same sheet of music and working as a team the most. 

As a pregnant woman, you need a higher degree of support and security than before and he is dropping the ball in providing that currently. It needs to be addressed and he needs to step up. If it does end up having some kind of racial component, then that doesn't really change anything, you will still need to address that and deal with that. 

But 99% chance this has nothing to do with race so don't have that be your lead-in. That will just put him on the defensive and make him clam up worse. When you hear clippity clop clippity clop coming down the street, think horses first, not zebras.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think he is just having a bit of “man panic” over the new news. Let the shock wear off a little and I’m sure things will settle back into you guys normal routine.


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## AlishaBaby008 (Oct 21, 2020)

Well We had a talk tonight and he tried giving me some ******** excuses the first few minutes of this conversation and I just wouldn't let it go. Just too deep into this relationship and marriage for him to start pulling this ******** on me now. So as one would imagine it just spiraled into a fight, And I can't remember the last time we actually had a full-fledged fight like we did tonight in all honesty. But All I got out of him as he hasn't been feeling good and that his parents have been pretty ****ty towards him still and that they were not happy when he told them they were going to be grandparents. We have been battling his parents since we first started dating honestly. That isn't really surprising but he wouldn't tell me why he wasn't feeling well, just hope it isn't anything serious in all honesty. Because that is the last thing we need right now all things considered. I have asked him just to cut his parents out and he has tried it but they always wiggle their way back in saying they have changed and are going to change and every time we just come back full circle. Just really frustrating.


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## AlishaBaby008 (Oct 21, 2020)

I guess I should also explain my other post a bit better, I have never forced him to like cut off his family or anything like that I have just expressed that it might be a bit better if he were to do so and he has like I said given it a few goes at doing just that. I will always support him no matter what he chooses to do with regards to his family because Family is always a very important aspect of life. But I guess I also know what has been bothering him now since he came home from work and apologized and just reiterated that his parents did not react the best to the pregnancy news. And that he hasn't been feeling good and has been in pain. I dunno why he tried to keep this from me because I need to know these things and have proper communication ya know? I dunno if I am allowed to go into details about what he is experiencing here so I will just say it is a male issue and it scared him and he has had blood in things that shouldn't be there if that makes sense. We both took off tomorrow and will be taking him to see his doctor tomorrow. I guess he was embarrassed and scared to tell me.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

It sounds like your husband was trying to shield you from the BS reaction from his racist parents while also dealing with the disappointment himself. I don't think anyone really knows how to deal with their parents not reacting with joy when telling them you are expecting. Sorry to hear this. Long term....cutting off his parents will be best. Maybe a child will soften their hearts? Probably not. 

The medical issue sounds scary. Best of luck with that!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So, turned out to be racist c-nts after all. That's why I dont recommend interracial relationships anymore in general, even if your partner is great as an individual - when you marry, you marry into the whole family, trash included. Much different than random gronks on the street.

If you are lucky and have two great families, or if you managed to cut out the dipsh-ts then yay. But the former is rare and the latter is difficult not just for yourselves but your children as well. Sadly this is going to be a battle until the end, that's what you sign on for.

Acknowledge that, and you should expect your husband if he loves you and his child he is expected to stand up for you and call out his family for their crap even if it means cutting them out. And cutting them out is imperative at this point otherwise they will just continue to be toxic influence in your lives.

Racism is everywhere and everyone has it but if they are so lacking in either humanity or intelligence as not be capable of acknowledging the merits of an individual just because of their race - then they are simply not worth your time and are the very subhumans they claim you to be.


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## AlishaBaby008 (Oct 21, 2020)

Well, today could have definitely gone better that is for sure. His primary doctor is sending him to see an oncologist because he has a big lump on one of his testicles. So yeah that was my day today. I dunno why things are suddenly going so awful, ya know? Yes, his parents are still being racist and just not very helpful but at this point, that is secondary now that he might be dealing with cancer. I guess this explains a lot of things that are going on with him but I would have rathered it be something anything else honestly. He has just gotten really depressed today, Not eating and his parents called and he didn't really talk to them just listened to more of their crap. I am not gonna tell anyone until we know one way or another and I will let him decide if he even wants to tell anyone. But he is back to not talking to me and I guess I can understand it today. Hopefully, he will just open up to me and let me help him and be there for him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Guess things have gone from sh-t to worse. Does his family know? If his family isn't helping - and your husband agrees - then just mute them, pull out the land line or block their numbers and ignore them. I would have done that already. Ultimately, it's your family that's important rather than a bunch of racist fkwits. For your husband right now just be there for him and reassure him.


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## AlishaBaby008 (Oct 21, 2020)

No, we haven't told anyone anything. I think it is too soon at this point we don't have a definitive answer yet. I told him he should probably tell them so they might let up off of us a bit and maybe even help a bit? But he didn't even respond. He stayed in bed all day I didn't force him to do anything or nag him and just tried to stay there for him. He didn't eat today either which is really worrying me. But aside from that nothing has really changed. So just taking it one day at a time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AlishaBaby008 said:


> No, we haven't told anyone anything. I think it is too soon at this point we don't have a definitive answer yet. I told him he should probably tell them so they might let up off of us a bit and maybe even help a bit? But he didn't even respond. He stayed in bed all day I didn't force him to do anything or nag him and just tried to stay there for him. He didn't eat today either which is really worrying me. But aside from that nothing has really changed. So just taking it one day at a time.


I doubt they will let up and if they do it's temporary and feigned, it's best to just cut them off now. C-nts like that are write-offs, they would cost more to fix than what they are worth. Take one day at a time as you are doing, continue being there for him, if he isn't eating maybe cook him some meals for him to eat at his leisure. Good luck.


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