# found out my husband slept with his friend



## adviceseeker191 (Apr 23, 2016)

I have been married to my husband now for almost 2 years , all up I have been with him for 7 years. We now have a son together.

In the whole time I have been with my husband , he has had a close female friend, lets call her Rachel. They have always seemed to be close and get along really well.
Its strange , she always asks to borrow money off him and he always gives to her and they have seemed to flirt and joke with eachother a lot. I have always thought that they might have slept together but he has always denied this and has always said that he is not attracted to her and only sees her as a friend. So of course I believed him and did not have a problem with them hanging out together.

The other week we had a bbq and invited her over , she seemed nice to begin with and played with my son etc . However I went to put my son to bed , I was tending to my son for about 25 mins. When I returned , the atmosphere was totally different, Rachel was talking to my husband in code as she did not want me to know what they were talking about. For 30 minutes I sat there in silence while my husband and her talked, laughed and joked. I felt totally on the outer and so uncomfortable in my own home. she or husband did not try and include me in the conversation at all. I was so bored and so uncomfortable that I stood up and told them that I was going to bed. She did not seem to care and seemed happy that I was leaving them alone.
my husband asked me if I was ok and I told him that I was and then went to bed It must have been after midnight , when my hudband came up to tell me that he was taking her home , I told him then that I was upset and that I could not believe how he and she made me feel like a third wheel in my own home. He went on to tell me that it was all in my head and that I was being silly. So he left and I fell back to sleep. When I woke up , it was after 1, I called him and asked him where he was, he said that he was still at rachels, I asked him why he was not home and he said that he did not want to come home as he knew I was upset with him. I was even more upset by this , but because I wanted him to come him I told him that I wasn't. He returned home 20 mins later. 
The next day , I could not stop thinking about the previous night. That night my husband and I were having a few drinks together and I said to him "can you please be honest with me, I do not want you to lie to me. But have you ever slept with Rachel?". He hesitated for a moment then admitted that he had , but said it happened when him and I had a short break a few years ago. I was outraged and angry that he had continued the friendship with her and had her in my home and playing with my son when he had a sexual relationship with her. Not only that , he had been hanging out with her and still seeing her all this time. He made me stop talking all the guys that I was even friends with. but it was ok in his eyes to still be friends with this women and see her on a regular basis!! I feel betrayed and so hurt , this women has never really been nice to me and she has flirted with him constantly.He said it only happened once and that was over 3 years ago. But how can I trust that ? How can I trust him to hang out with her ? What I do , I am lost.

My husband has also admitted that he cheated on me before we were married. He said that he had a one night stand with a girl and also made out with another girl on a different occasion.

Do I have a right to be angry ? Do I have a right to ask my husband to stop being friends with Rachel ? 

help!! someone give me advice !!!!!!!!!! please !! thankyou !


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Of course you have the right to be anger. There is a reason that he made you give up all your male friends.. because he was (and is probably still) having an affair with this woman. So he knows that if you had male friends you could be doing the same thing.

At this point it's at least a very intense emotional affair. It was physical in the past. You just need to know if it is also physical now.

Since you are unsure about his relationship with her, I suggest that you get more evidence of what's going on. One of the best ways to find that out is to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Secure it under the driver seach with adhesive backed Velcro. If you can afford, get two of them. One to have in the car and the other to swap out so you can listen to what's been recorded. Most people who have affairs use their car as a private telephone booth. They feel that it's private so they use drive time to talk to their affair partner. Swap out the VARs every couple of days.

If you get anything on a VAR that incriminates them, do not immediately confront. That will drive the affair underground. They will just get smarter. Until you have more evidence and a plan of action, just act like nothing is wrong. Give it a week or two.

Then make your plan (we can always help you here with the plan). Keep in mind that even if you get no more evidence, what's going on it way out of line. You are in your right to insist that he ends his affair with her even if it is 'only' an emotional affair right now. emotional affairs can be more damaging to a marriage than affiars that are only physical (like one night stands).

Because of his EA (maybe PA) your husband is mistreating you. He and his affair partner (AP) treated you like dirt in your own home, he dared to bring her into your home .. this is a huge emotional assault on you, he's turning on you doing crazy making things like telling you that it's all in your head.

Oh yea, you have every right to be upset, very upset.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She has to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would bet he just slept with her again that night he stayed late at her house. He made your anger an excuse to stay at her house, but in reality, he would've stayed regardless. You are being blind. He's carrying on an affair right under your nose. The reason he's so insecure about you having opposite sex friends is because HE isn't trustworthy. He thinks that because he would cheat on a partner with a 'friend' that you would too.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yes he must have slept with her that night

No respect for you , no love for you n son .

What kind of man fuzk another woman n bring the **** home to play with wife n son ? Answer , a narcisstic unremorseful azzhole


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

breeze said:


> I would bet he just slept with her again that night he stayed late at her house. He made your anger an excuse to stay at her house, but in reality, he would've stayed regardless. You are being blind. He's carrying on an affair right under your nose. The reason he's so insecure about you having opposite sex friends is because HE isn't trustworthy. He thinks that because he would cheat on a partner with a 'friend' that you would too.


My ex makes sure I drop my work that had contact with men , n have no friendship with men . 

Later months n years , I saw him touching a woman whole night long in a company party n I had thought he was drunk n forgave him .

Some other incidents .

On hind sight , after the divorce , n when I am out of the fog , I see that he must have a PA or EA with her . Otherwise , which woman will tolerate being touch the whole night long . 

When you are in it , you just try not to see the truth . You explain away things n hope it is just that , n accept his lies , because that's what you want to believe .

Sadly , it is all lies . 

He probably is still sleeping with her , for him to be so comfy n lovely to her , without concern about your feelings


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

you were on a break so that don't count. It might hurt but it doesn't count as infidelity.
OTOH... who initiated the break... while it might not be infidelity it might have been manipulation followed but guilt and missing you.

Him staying over late ... no that is simply not on.
They might have something going on that is totally inoculous (like preparing a surprise, working on joint project, or discussing a project (like guys and gals do when they don't notice the clock) BUT it is also the "**** is hard and doesn't want to leave" problem. You can't tell which it is, and if it's prolonged it's entirely EA if not PA.

Does he have other friends apart from this woman? Because that's a real big tell. Because he *might* not be having an affair...but she _certainly_ is. How does that make sense? because he might just be looking for a friend who listens and shares common interests. But how about her, what's in it for her? Why can't she get her own lover/boyfriend/girlfriend?? Because she's getting the "milk" from your husband, but not the boring householder-y stuff. sex or no sex (in fact she might prefer the no sex man and that sitch is a perfect setup...)
Sadly he will lie his arse off rather than admit things at this point.

Hard to think of a good way forwards. perhaps ask when is Rachel going to get herself a girlfriend or boyfriend. because it certain seems like she's poaching yours.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Married men don't get to have girlfriends. He needs to stop that hanging out crap now! What's wrong with him that he doesn't have a male best bud? Talking in code? You should have brought it up and told her and your husband that it was immature and the party was over.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Gtfo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lexndr (Jan 29, 2016)

People never change

Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Short breaks don't let you off the hook. You're still married.

your husband cheated on you twice, not once, with two girls while you were exclusive
or engaged. Then he cheated on you a third time with this floosie while you were briefly separated. 

He is a major flirt, unrepentant cheater, lier blame shifter and a disrespectful
@ss.

Someday maybe he'll grow up, but that's a long way off.
he probably considers himself a man, but not in my book.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are married to a cheating man. Take a deep breath and begin to understand that your reality has just shifted forever. This is the reality of your world and you must take care of you and your child first. No amount of wishing, crying, desperation is going to change what you are now living.

So...you need to start making a plan. Take care of yourself by eating and staying hydrated. Try not to drink. Get exercise. Try to get sleep.

Do as @EleGirl suggested and use a VAR to get your proof. Then see an attorney so that you know your rights and what your future would look like if you dumped your cheater.

He has zero remorse or care for your feelings. He probably has an affair going on right under your nose. I know you don't want to hear that, but it is likely true. I'm sorry.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Herschel said:


> Gtfo
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This can't be stressed enough.

Your husband has put his friend above you
He absolutely has a beyond inappropriate relationship with her. If they are talking a code around you, then they are throwing it into your face. This is an unbelievable level of disrespect

He is a cheater.
He will always be a cheater.


Couple things you must do
1) lawyer now - you need to know your rights
2) 180
3) talk with IC - you need to get your head wrapped around the concept of being married to a cheater.
4) Long hard decision of do you want to stay with a cheater 

You'll get all sorts of advice to investigate further - why?
He has no respect for you or your marriage. Keeping this friend around to laugh at you to your face - that would too much for me. I would have to walk away. I wouldn't be able to handle that level of disrespect.

Once I was able to get everything in order, I would let my spouse know "I love you. However, this level of disrespect was something that profoundly hurt me. The fact that you think so little of me that you would bring you F buddy around shows me that you don't respect and in fact, you don't love me. Since you obviously choose her, then I will releave you of the burden that is me" Hand him divorce papers and go find an honorable man to be with.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I'm sorry I am sure you just want to be a good partner, but you have been waaaay to accepting of this!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ouch. So sorry!

Please give him the boot.

You absolutely can do better and you deserve better.

Your husband deserves three rounds with a pro fighter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

This short break, while dating or married? If while dating was there a clear understanding svj as "while we are separated we will date other people? You know what it does not matter this OSF cannot be allowed in his life. He needs to cut her out. This is a shyt test for him. 

On my DDay I told my exWW she had two options: end with him and go to MC or divorce. She sad I don't know if I can, I need more time. My response to het was to deny the time beccause not accept sloppy Sxxxxx. The term is crude but it fit. I knew it would be hard, but to reconcile I needed that down payment, 


Be well


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## HEIDI84 (Apr 24, 2016)

I'm only 31, but I've been married twice have a 10 yr old and 8 yr old both to my first husband. We were together 10 years total, it took me awhile to see his deceitful ways but first we'd hang out and he was a drug user and use to take me to his female boss's home I hated it, we would go in I'd have to stay in living room with her husband and kids while she took my ex to the bedroom for atleast 10 min, I still never thought he would do something like that, she was atleast 30 and we were only 17 not to mention she was very unattractive. One thing to my advantage he really was dumb, ID start seeing inappropriate texts from her or shed just show up at his place out of the blue so I lied to him the one night he worked with her and told him he pocket dialed me must have been on a brake n I heard things that were said n if he loved me n wanted it to work he'd be honest so he admitted to it, I told her hubby and got her fired. We both got jobs at the same place after that then he introduced me to his bff from school who was a girl I already didn't like her n shed call all the time I knew she liked him but again she looked like Mr. Ed I kept thinking he would have standards he went as far as having her call me n tell me she wants to b my friend too n ID never have to worry about them, well I had a day off but wanted to pick my paycheck up I went with my mom who was my bff, and as soon as we pulled in my mom saw him pulling in I was excited n mad cuz he ignored my calls he parked right NXT to us never realizing it was us, I look over n see his bff lifting her head up off of him n zippering his pants I ended it there a month later realized I was pregnant he vowed to get help n change I believed him we bought a house, I went to college and worked and we lost our 1st pregnancy and also the next 3, he worked but never had $, ID start finding strip club receipts and missing money and he was using drugs again, found out he was sleeping with my cousin once again I was pregnant for a 4th time so we stuck it out n had our son everything was good almost 2 yrs till I got pregnant again, he left me in the hospital to "go home and rest" after being in labor 36 hours alone, and that hospital didn't have a nursery so my daughter stayed in my room, weeks later I noticed him leaving earlier n earlier for work, I followed him to a girls house whom jus started working with him n he had been taking her back n forth so I called my cell phone carrier asked for call records n texts turns out he'd been messing with her so I put the house up for sale while he was working and had friends help me move I left him a trash bag bar of soap, towel and condemn n nothing else got a townhouse in a housing development about a year later we tried to give it one more shot even got counseling, I worked 2nd shift n he worked 1st cuz of the kids, one night I get a text from him asking if I was working late again n he never asked me that so I knew something was up so I said yes and left at my normal time I get home to him naked in the bedroom beds a mess, sheets n covers soaked n before I said anything I needed a min to breath went in kissed my kids n my son woke up n said mommy why was Tara taking a shower with Daddy Tara was not only my neighbor but also my best friend so I confronted him n like I said hes dumb I said she called me crying and apologizing n told me what happened so u either man up or get out n he admitted to everything I flew out my door into hers grabbed her by her hair n just started hitting woke up her husband he kicked her out only for a few weeks I filed for divorce this time n never looked back once a cheater always a cheater


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> Short breaks don't let you off the hook. You're still married.
> 
> your husband cheated on you twice, not once, with two girls while you were exclusive
> or engaged. Then he cheated on you a third time with this floosie while you were briefly separated.
> ...


A break is a break.

That's what breaks are.


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## North Star (Jul 25, 2015)

No ones a fan of ultimatums but he lied to you about her. He puts her feelings before yours. He makes you feel like an outsider in your own home. This "friendship" has totally undermined your marriage. It's you or her. This is dealbreaker territory. I wouldnt be surprised if it didnt end when he claims.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

adviceseeker191 said:


> I have been married to my husband now for almost 2 years , all up I have been with him for 7 years. We now have a son together.
> 
> In the whole time I have been with my husband , he has had a close female friend, lets call her Rachel. They have always seemed to be close and get along really well.
> Its strange , she always asks to borrow money off him and he always gives to her and they have seemed to flirt and joke with eachother a lot. I have always thought that they might have slept together but he has always denied this and has always said that he is not attracted to her and only sees her as a friend. So of course I believed him and did not have a problem with them hanging out together.
> ...


Ele pretty well hit the nail on the head. He is still deeply involved in an EA with her. Start the 180 Recovery and get ready to make an actual break, not take a break...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She has to go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and so does he


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

North Star said:


> No ones a fan of ultimatums but he lied to you about her. He puts her feelings before yours. He makes you feel like an outsider in your own home. This "friendship" has totally undermined your marriage. It's you or her. This is dealbreaker territory. I wouldnt be surprised if it didnt end when he claims.



Be prepared . don't get a shock or heartbreak .


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> and so does he


Uh oh, a hard case Tamstress :grin2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Another one time post on weekend by newbie with no follow up or any other activity.

Hmmmm


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am afraid that you have married a cheater. He has cheated with at least 3 women since you met, and it maybe that he did it again that night you talk about. There is no way that he should be having this relationship with this woman. I am not surprised that you dont trust him, after cheating 3 times nor would I.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Maybe she can't face the truth that we are putting up for her .

Rather not read . in denial .


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> A break is a break.
> 
> That's what breaks are.


A break is usually taken to take space from the marriage not to go f**k someone else!

A seperation over a long term with a view to divorce may constitute a scenario where you do that but for many on this forum, a divorce is a necessary prerequisite.

I am currently separated from my H, if he sleeps with someone else he can forget about reconciliation, that is a dealbreaker. Any spouse who does that is not interested in working on anything and is having their cake and eating it. 

With regard to the OP's WH whether they were on break or not, the semantics are unimportant, he is a cheater, nothing more nothing less.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, you need to get your ducks in a row

Do the 180
get a fantastic lawyer
tell all and sundry about his cheating ways

make your plan to move out and away from him. He does not deserve you. He has no morals or consideration for you. to allow her in your house and treat you like that is totally disrespectful, take back your power and kick him to the curb asap.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You definitely have a right to be mad.

First of all, the way he and she treated you was disrespectful, rude and unbecoming of a loving spouse.

Secondly, I would hate to shake hands and be friends with a bloke who has been inside my wife - not knowing that he had been inside my wife makes it worse. This would be the height of disrespect from my wife to not tell me and invite such a man to my house etc. The same, I would imagine, applies to women. Your husband putting you in a situation where you did not know and was obliged to be civil to her is disrespectful of your husband.

Thirdly, there is the cheating on you while you were separated - was it your understanding that you could have gone and screwed anyone you please.

Fourth, is the fact that he continued to be friends with her.

And fifth, is the highly probable fact that he is still in an EA with her!


You need to haul his a$$ over the coals so to speak!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

adviceseeker191 said:


> I have been married to my husband now for almost 2 years , all up I have been with him for 7 years. We now have a son together.
> 
> In the whole time I have been with my husband , he has had a close female friend, lets call her Rachel. They have always seemed to be close and get along really well.
> Its strange , she always asks to borrow money off him and he always gives to her and they have seemed to flirt and joke with eachother a lot. I have always thought that they might have slept together but he has always denied this and has always said that he is not attracted to her and only sees her as a friend. So of course I believed him and did not have a problem with them hanging out together.
> ...


YES, you have a right to be angry and YES, you have a right to ask him to stop being friends with her! He is your husband and he took vows when he married you. He has an obligation to do whatever it is that makes you feel comfortable in your marriage! If him being friends with someone he had a sexual relationship with makes you uncomfortable and he has NO other reason to talk to her (children between them for example) then he should respect your feelings 100%. 

I wouldn't be surprised if there is still a sexual relationship going on between them. When you tell your H that you want him to sever all contact with her....pay close attention to his reaction! This will clue you in a ton as to what could possibly be going on between them currently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It doesn't matter what "counts" as far as cheating during a break.

He slept with her earlier. He probably slept with her recently and probably will keep doing so. It is up to you what you want to do. Many would divorce in this situation but the choice is yours.

Just be aware that you can't keep him from cheating. You can do things to catch him afterwards, but you can't stop him.


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