# Help solve an arguement. Sex during separation.



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I have been gone for while and my life is still a mess but this argument just keeps coming up so I want everybody's honest opinion.

I left my WH after an emotional affair with an employee. I am pretty confident there was no PA but hey who knows. After I left my WH continues to tell me he want to reconcile. I told him I honestly don't know if I could but have not filed for D and try to keep the relationship friendly. He then has sex over the last 18 months with 3 different women. I have not had a relationship with anybody, mainly cause I am not ready and don't think it fait to bring anybody into this mess of a life I have.

If he is telling me how he wants our family and life back but still has sex with other women is that still cheating? He says he is single since I left so it is okay. Regardless it surely doesn't help reconciliation 

So do other separated couples think this is cheating?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Yes, I think it's cheating unless you both explicitly agreed to be allowed to date. 

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Uhh... it depends. 
If you're separated and it was understood you'd be seeing other people, I wouldn't call it cheating but I would call it poor judgment if legally you (collective "you") were still married. 

The fact he banged some other women whilst still married, and now decides he wants you after all... Well personally, I'd be ill. That's like sloppy thirds... Or fourths. Don't you think you deserve better?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It has always been my opinion that if you are separated with no intentions to reconcile, you are free to do as you please. However, if you separate with the intentions of working on the marriage, then NO, dating/sex with others is not ok, not until you both agree that you proceed with divorce. It sounds to me like your husband's ACTIONS say that he is moving on, despite the words coming from his mouth telling you he wants to work it out. I suggest you listen to the ACTIONS and file for divorce.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Leave him for good. If he wanted to reconcile with you he would not be having sex with others.

People that f around during a separation are either wannabe swingers or cheaters wanting an excuse.

Being a good spouse and reconciling are the farthest things from someone who can't keep their pants on during a separation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Leave him for good. If he wanted to reconcile with you he would not be having sex with others.
> 
> People that f around during a separation are either wannabe swingers or cheaters wanting an excuse.
> 
> Being a good spouse and reconciling are the farthest things from someone who can't keep their pants on during a separation.


Also, consider you are plan B when the f'ing around gets boring or is not working out. Your H knocking at your door with his suitcase in hand.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Oh don't worry someday I will get this stupid divorce done. 

He keeps saying I can't use actions he has done while separated as an indicator of who he will be if we got back to together. Such a stupid argument. Just need a different word for it I guess. Not even sure why I care anymore. Think it just got worse cause I had to move back into our home cause he just about bankrupted us so now I see him all the time which brings up mixed feeling. Ugh this is going to be a long year!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Oh don't worry someday I will get this stupid divorce done.
> 
> He keeps saying I can't use actions he has done while separated as an indicator of who he will be if we got back to together. Such a stupid argument. Just need a different word for it I guess. Not even sure why I care anymore. Think it just got worse cause I had to move back into our home cause he just about bankrupted us so now I see him all the time which brings up mixed feeling. Ugh this is going to be a long year!


Certainly is an indicator of your H character.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If he was really serious about wanting to get his family back than no, he would not be sleeping with other woman. Have to agree with 3xnocharm, listen to this man's actions not his words. They speak loud and clear where his priorities are. File for divorce.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If a person has no intent or desire to reconcile, they are free to date as they wish, IMO. That does NOT sound like the case here - unless he only says he wants to reconcile in order to delay possible financial consequences. Since you left the home and marriage, he may consider it evidence that you abandoned him and the marriage. Regardless, he has shown that he is not serious about reconciliation, so I suggest you just go ahead and file for divorce. Infidelity may be grounds for divorce, but can you prove it? He can prove that you abandoned the marriage, though.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> Oh don't worry someday I will get this stupid divorce done.
> 
> He keeps saying I can't use actions he has done while separated as an indicator of who he will be if we got back to together. Such a stupid argument. Just need a different word for it I guess. Not even sure why I care anymore. Think it just got worse cause I had to move back into our home cause he just about bankrupted us so now I see him all the time which brings up mixed feeling. Ugh this is going to be a long year!


 @jelly_bean, he could honestly believe this and think it's fine to behave that way. You, on the other hand, have other values.

I'd do your best to stay away from him. He's going to hinder or even reset your healing process. You've worked too hard for that. Cut the tethers.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
This is how cheaters think not those interested in R. His heart is not in R, know this. As conan said he was so desperate to have you back that his thoughts were consumed by you.....no, he was screwing around and TELLING you he wants you back. Actions speak louder than words.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> Oh don't worry someday I will get this stupid divorce done.
> 
> *He keeps saying I can't use actions he has done while separated as an indicator of who he will be if we got back to together.* Such a stupid argument. Just need a different word for it I guess. Not even sure why I care anymore. Think it just got worse cause I had to move back into our home cause he just about bankrupted us so now I see him all the time which brings up mixed feeling. Ugh this is going to be a long year!


You can use whatever information you want to to form your opinion of who he will be, he doesn't get to tell you how you are allowed to think and reason.

To me that is showing the mindset of someone that has emotionally moved on.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Yes it is still adultery. You can't say one thing and do the opposite. It is called cake eating and blame shifting. Wow talk about "they said....."they heard". 

Tell him "actions trump words. My actions speak to my character, as does your's to yours". 'Nuff said.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> I have the opposite opinion. Unless you both agree not to date others ( because you might R ) then once separated you are free to date.


I'm in the other camp and something you said just reinforces that.

"Unless you both agree not to date others _*( because you might R )*_ . . . "

The emphasis is the key. If you are running around as soon as you walk out the door, it's clear you're more concerned with your fun than your reconciliation. This speaks volumes in my mind. Okay, so we say in the absence of a previous agreement not to, that it's okay to, but that is still contradictory to any claims of desire to R. If you truly want to R, this behavior should be abhorrent.


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

@jelly_bean

Yes this is indeed cheating, please understand that if he really loved you and respected you he would not have slept with these women, it doesn't matter if you two are separated. A man who truly loves his woman would not casually sleep around when he is away from her. 

Now why did you not sleep with anyone? Yes the reasons you mentioned are true but there are other reasons as well, one is that you respected your husband and your family enough to not engage in this kind of behavior and secondly you had strong moral values and a good head over your shoulders to back your decisions.

It means you are a better person than your husband, do you want to spend your life with such a man? Yes you two were separated but that's the major crux of the matter, separated or not if he loved and respected you he would not have slept with other women.

All the best


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

I also find the whole concept of separation stupid, either you stay together or you divorce.

You separate while being married, sleep around and then come back to your spouse to be a family again when the fire in your loins is satisfied? Separation to me is like a cousin of cake eating. In my personal opinion separation is like spitting on the marriage vows. Separate to divorce, to detach, not to sleep around and then come back.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jelly_bean said:


> I have been gone for while and my life is still a mess but this argument just keeps coming up so I want everybody's honest opinion.
> 
> I left my WH after an emotional affair with an employee. I am pretty confident there was no PA but hey who knows. After I left my WH continues to tell me he want to reconcile. I told him I honestly don't know if I could but have not filed for D and try to keep the relationship friendly. He then has sex over the last 18 months with 3 different women. I have not had a relationship with anybody, mainly cause I am not ready and don't think it fait to bring anybody into this mess of a life I have.
> 
> ...


What's to settle he has abandoned you physically. The marriage is already over.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@jelly_bean I think separations without explicit rules are unwise. If you are separating, chances are there were communication issues to begin with. It stands to reason there would continue to be communication issues.

If my W separated with me I would assume she has made her mind up that she doesn't want me around. Further I'd assume that if we got back together it would be more like dating and a trial process to work through whatever issues caused us to separate. So I would see dating my W and other women as being on par with one another.

But I also would make that explicitly clear. Separation means all bets are off; one or the other might date; might have sex; and either might not want to get back together for any reason including behavior during the separation. All are possibilities.

I don't see his behavior as wrong in any way, but I also would move on if the other one did too


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If I was a remorseful CH, separated from wife and wanting to R - I would not get into another relationship as long as I had hope. But at some point that hope ends and you have to move on with your life. 18 months is a long time.

But if he was genuinely remorseful, he could have let you know that he had reached that point so you could be the one to decide.

More likely, he wanted to enjoy the sex and at the same time keep the R door open. I agree with the poster who said that is a form of cake eating. Not cool. Not R material IMHO.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

jelly_bean said:


> I have been gone for while and my life is still a mess but this argument just keeps coming up so I want everybody's honest opinion.
> 
> I left my WH after an emotional affair with an employee. I am pretty confident there was no PA but hey who knows. After I left my WH continues to tell me he want to reconcile. I told him I honestly don't know if I could but have not filed for D and try to keep the relationship friendly. He then has sex over the last 18 months with 3 different women. I have not had a relationship with anybody, mainly cause I am not ready and don't think it fait to bring anybody into this mess of a life I have.
> 
> ...


IMO, in this case, what other couples think does not matter.

It matters to you. You feel he is cheating. If he is not prepared to honor your feeling then he's not.

As with most arguments, there isn't a right answer - there is only an answer that works for the two of you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

its cheating.

anybody who can look at this particular situation and say it not cheating is of poor moral standards.

then try to r after crazy how some people think.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

*So do other separated couples think this is cheating?*

OP, it doesn't matter what WE think. It matters what YOU think.

Does it bother you that he slept with 3 other women while you were separated?

If yes, then divorce him ASAP and MOVE ON. Why are you wasting your time with this con artist?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

chillymorn69 said:


> its cheating.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My, my, my. Aren't we a bit judgy? You sound like the Church Lady.

My moral standards are quite high actually. I've read this thread and there is no indication of what precipitated the separation. The impression I get is he was kicked out 1-1/2 to 2 years ago. How can you cheat when you aren't in a relationship?

Of course knowing the backstory might change my opinion. But it hasn't been offered.



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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So in all honesty, you two are roommates who share a past right?

He is doing the same thing he did when you left him and decided to separate. He just made his affairs physical instead of emotional according to what you state. He hasn't stopped since the first time he seeked gave his time and affection to another other than you. He is still doing it. The reconciliation thing is just an excuse to let the other ladies know that he is not available for something serious because he is on layaway so to speak. They can fool around, but he can't commit because he is already kinda, sorta, but not really committed to anyone or anything. 

Dang, he has the perfect set up and excuse. Where does he see these other women if you are sharing the same home? Legally, he is wasting away marital assets on Other women isn't he?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just my opinion, based on what I have read on this thread only--- I haven't read your others?

You left him because of his "emotional affair". 
Did he always want to reconcile and you didn't?

Recap?
He cheated emotionally, you left him.
You stayed gone for a year and a half, still have no intention of returning.

So........
You are gone, he can't control who you're having sex with. Just because you've chosen not to doesn't mean you couldn't be.
Separation to him likely means you're gone. You are gone!

He has sex with one or a dozen.
Number not important, because it's been OVER A YEAR! 
Why shouldn't he try to move on?????????????

You are not trying to give him another chance.....

You can't leave the guy, and expect him to remain celibate and pining for you the rest of his life.

My verdict: If you didn't specify no dating, if you didn't specify a time by which you'd return or be gone forever, if you didn't ever give him an answer or said no every time he asked for a chance to reconcile----- what exactly are you expecting of him?

A year and a half is too damn long to leave your husband and not expect him to look for some kind of intimacy. But if you said a relationship was still on the table and gave him a REASON to hope, he should have waited.

If you just want him to pine for you forever until YOU'RE ready to move on...... that's not fair.

I guess I've got it all wrong and have no morals. 

He should have never cheated on you, and you have every right to divorce him. But to leave for a year and a half with no hope of return, and expect celibacy on his part is just unrealistic in my opinion. People need someone to feel close to. Not just sex. Could it be he just wanted someone to feel close to??? He obviously wasn't getting it from you.

Just divorce and stop worrying about him.
Or reconcile and see if he's learned his lesson. Aren't those the only options?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sure! Drop your drawers and have sex with him! What in blue blazes do you have to lose?

You'd only be inviting a literal playground of his and his OW's scintillating pet "crustaceans" along with any other horrific STD's that they might be inflicted with!

To hell with him! The only person that I'd approve of him even talking to is to your family/divorce attorney!*


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Separated or no, his actions reveal what he really thinks about your feelings. When it really comes down to it this is all you need to know. 

You know what to do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Wait, they are "separated", but still living together?
Lol, this is just silly.

Divorce him or both of you stop this and move forward.
An in-house separation for over a year?
Geez, seems like one of them could make up their minds by this time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

To my mind, I would think it is cheating as you are still married and until the divorce papers are signed off then it would be better not to mess around.
However, you should have made this clear from the beginning, separations need clear rules.

However, your WH is clearly not into the marriage with you. Not only did he cheat before you left, he has slept with many women after. He may tell you he wants reconciliation, but no man who wants reconciliation would be getting his rocks off as much as possible when separate. He would be doing all in his power to win you back and that does not include sleeping with other women.

Please go and get this parasite out of your life for good, why are you delaying the divorce. You think this good for nothing man will have an epiphany and realize that you and only you is what he wants. 
Forget it, that will not happen, he wants you sure but he will continue to cheat, that is who he is. Run as fast as you can!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> My, my, my. Aren't we a bit judgy? You sound like the Church Lady.
> 
> My moral standards are quite high actually. I've read this thread and there is no indication of what precipitated the separation. The impression I get is he was kicked out 1-1/2 to 2 years ago. How can you cheat when you aren't in a relationship?
> 
> ...


everybody thinks their morals are high. But everybody draws the line where they want. Cool you draw your line somewhere different than I. 

Its my opinion that what she explained is cheating in my book if that makes me a church lady then cool they make some Damn good peroiges!!!!

:grin2:


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Thanks everybody your comments really helped! I was just sick of him telling me I was the only person on earth that thought his behaviour was disrespectful and wrong. I printed this out and gave him a copy. Hopefully this will get across to him that you can not reconcile while dating other people. I know it shouldn't matter on what others think but sometimes you just need a little back-up. 

I have lived out of the house for 2 years and just moved back in a about a month ago, I live in the basement. Not for reconciliation, I have closed that door after the second lady he slept with, but he just keeps pushing for it. I am here because he dug us into a financial hole that will take a year to get out of and I refuse to let me kids suffer cause their Dad is a deadbeat. However since I moved back he has really been pushing hard for reconciliation and I needed him to understand he can be a sweet and nice and pretend to be a new person but his actions are the problem and I can not just get over him having 4 (that I know of) flings in the last 2 years. 

Just for the record (especially for others separating) I did write up a "contract" on our rules when we separated. And one clearly said if we met somebody and has a physical relationship we needed to disclose it, for health reasons, and because it clearly was an indicator that the reconciliation was a failure. I knew I could not ask him to move on when I could not tell him our future. Of course he didn't I had to catch him again. And then again after he said he would never do it again. 

I know this will be the longest year of my life and I think the only reason he is being so pushy is cause he know how hard it will be to get laid with his ex in the basement LOL I think it is worse than living with your parents again


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> Thanks everybody your comments really helped! I was just sick of him telling me I was the only person on earth that thought his behaviour was disrespectful and wrong. I printed this out and gave him a copy. Hopefully this will get across to him that you can not reconcile while dating other people. I know it shouldn't matter on what others think but sometimes you just need a little back-up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ahhhhh new information. Yes then he specifically cheated if he agreed to these conditions. And you are correct to move on.

Don't worry about him pushing for reconciliation. That's his prerogative. He can pursue what he wants. The key thing is to live the 180 and not worry about what he wants. Think of him like a puppy that just wants to be constantly petted - you can't convince the puppy otherwise, can you? 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jelly_bean said:


> Oh don't worry someday I will get this stupid divorce done.
> 
> He keeps saying I can't use actions he has done while separated as an indicator of who he will be if we got back to together. Such a stupid argument. Just need a different word for it I guess. Not even sure why I care anymore. Think it just got worse cause I had to move back into our home cause he just about bankrupted us so now I see him all the time which brings up mixed feeling. Ugh this is going to be a long year!


So not divorcing this nitwit has now driven you into poverty as WELL as having kept you in limbo for 18 months for *no productive reason*, whatsoever. And being forced to move back home due to this deadbeat and his ignorant choices is just ANOTHER reason on top of many to show you what a loser he really is.

Seriously. Next time LEGALIZE your situation and don't just 'separate' because you're NOT protected financially from his stupidity. Don't allow this fool to drag you down into the mud with him ever again. 

About the LAST thing I'd be doing with this ass-clown is having sex with him. 

And I mean, *DEAD* *LAST*.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Thanks everybody your comments really helped! I was just sick of him telling me I was the only person on earth that thought his behaviour was disrespectful and wrong. I printed this out and gave him a copy. Hopefully this will get across to him that you can not reconcile while dating other people.
> 
> Of course that is impossible. I know it shouldn't matter on what others think but sometimes you just need a little back-up.
> 
> ...


Yes, it would be hard to get laid with your ex in the basement. 
Is he trying to get laid?
Sounds like he wants to reconcile, and you have been unwilling the whole time. If you are unwilling to attempt to reconcile with your husband, you should not hold it against him if he tries to find love somewhere else.

You have me confused. I can only guess he is as well.

This is just my observation....


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