# Husband's & Their Personas



## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Do you guys have different personas?

For example: At home, you're Mr. Nice Husband but at work, with friends you find yourself acting differently? 

And I don't mean professional at work, casual at home.

I mean at home...doting on your wife sometimes-while at work (around male-coworkers) leering at female co-workers, joking inappropriately, pretending like your wife isn't on the phone when she calls...ect.

I am dealing with H's self described "compartmentalization" of his lives (with me, at work and with his family). There are basically 3 different husbands. He seems to think this is normal for men...


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my H was a completely different person when other people were around - anyone would have thought he was confident, cheerful, competent, alpha all the way

it was all bravado and all for show


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes it's true. Although I know full well that if "bachelor party man" gets a lap dance then "doting husband" is in deep trouble. So while it's normal to act differently for different audiences there is a certain baseline that you don't cross.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

The answer to what you're really asking is no. I don't have a party boy persona and a husband persona.

To be honest, I've heard of men like that... personally I don't know a single one, but that may just be the circle I run in.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think if a man has the same persona all the time his wife is likely to get bored of him. Which persona should I use as the full time me? Straight laced accountant? Horseback riding cowboy? Mountaineers climb leader? Soccer dad? I act differently at different times and I think it enhances my wife's reaction to my personality. I will admit though that I don't have a party boy persona. Anymore.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think it's normal. My husband has work persona and home persona. No party boy persona. He's too old to act like a frat boy. 

However I did have friends with husbands like that.

They are now divorced. LOL


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Working, sure everyone (male and female) has a different persona for different parts of work, social, vs home.

The real question was party boy persona or no when out (or more to the point a persona the wife doesn't know about but should), which you answered.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

my husband had personnas. 

There's party guy drug user personna, who can out party and out drug anyone.

At work it was "poor me" "my wife is a c*nt" and "of course I'll flirt with you and hang out with you after work while my wife is working" personna - he dragged our dirty laundry all over the place in that building.

Then theres doting husband- loves me, loves to help, loves to do everything for me, this is usually on display when he wants to get laid, or when company is over.

There's the real at home guy, who hates my pets, doesn't do housework, plays video games, and tells me how lazy I am.

Theres also the needy 5yr old, who cannot detach from my leg long enough to go take a leak.

And SOMEWHERE in there, is the man I fell in love with. The guy who takes care of me when I'm sick, loves to hear my words, loves spending actual time with me, has cute quirks, is a softy, a sweetheart, and still a protector. Cherishes his family, wants to build a real future, and has goals and ambition and is an individual.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> Do you guys have different personas?
> 
> For example: At home, you're Mr. Nice Husband but at work, with friends you find yourself acting differently?
> 
> ...


I see you married George Constanza who can't combine worlds.

I have a buddy like that.

He acts different around his wife. I guess he doesn't want her to know what kind of boorish degenerate he really is by the uncouth roughians he is friends with.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes but not in the way you`re asking about.

I run a crew of some very tough, outspoken alpha males.
The only way I can maintain control of this crew is to be the biggest alpha male on the job so I "live" that persona at work.

It does inject itself into my home life at times but for the most part I`m pretty easy going.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife has personas. 

To her family, she can be mean, disrespectful, and not very nice.

To anyone in public, she is the nicest, kindest person you would ever meet.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Yes but not in the way you`re asking about.
> 
> I run a crew of some very tough, outspoken alpha males.
> The only way I can maintain control of this crew is to be the biggest alpha male on the job so I "live" that persona at work.
> ...


This is me. I have to be the Alpha amongst Alphas. I was given that role because they will follow me to hell and back and no one else ( in my company ) knows how or wishes to deal with them.

I have a secret. I actually give a sh!t about them and they know it.

I have learned very much now how to separate those worlds.

I have learned that my wife and daughters do not always want me to fix things. They want me to listen.

This is a good thing. Men do compartmentalize in general. I abstract details and focus on things. I know women tend to want to multi-task which is fine to a point. I know that individuals vary with this generalization. In a complex technical world I have to compartmentalize. Multi-taskers come to me when there are important complex problems to solve. I abstract details and methodically deal with them with an eye on running the table.

And no, not in the way you mean.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

But this said, having different personas comes with wearing different hats. Even at home I can change my persona if I need to. That is good thing.

I get the question though. No I love my wife in all personas.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

2 personas, work (mean, tough, spit and cuss), home (somewhat mean, tough, spit outside and cuss under my breath alot)


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Not really sure what you're asking here. IMO No one acts the same in every situation. I don't act the same playing basketball as I do while fishing.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

I emailed H yesterday, telling him I would call him when he got off work since I was going out to dinner with a friend and wouldn't see him until late (part of our working on things is that I try to reach out more since I work 2 jobs oftentimes back to back) He responded back that I should call before he goes shopping. Fine. I call-he's not quite out of work yet. Normally he'll say I'm still at work, can I call you back in 5?" This time, there's men in the background loud and laughing. He answers "what's up dude? What's going on?" really..??? He knew I was calling...

He said he doesn't want to get embarrassed at work for talking to his F'ing wife of 8 years!

And the peer pressure ("this guy told me to make a drawing for the ow-I couldn't say no everyone thought it was funny")

I think he must have missed the episode of Full House, Growing Pains, Life Goes on (insert 80's sitcom here________) that dealt with peer pressure. It's like I'm married to a 5th grader


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I never change personalities


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I always change personalities


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Personas are different aspects of the same core person. What really counts is the person that’s there at the core inside of their personas …. their values, beliefs and the rules they live their life by.


Part of our work is to roll up the personas we’ve created through our journeys through life into one person such that we individuate.

It sounds like you don’t actually like your husband’s core values, beliefs and rules that are reflected in his external behaviour and you may not as yet have accepted that you therefore don’t like your husband, the guy who performs the behaviour you don’t like.


Of course there are people who truly have multiple personalities such that one doesn’t know the other exists … Dissociative identity disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. But this can probably be excluded as your H seems to be fully aware of what he’s doing. The problem you have is that he doesn’t think he has a problem and therefore continues with the behaviour you don’t like.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

My husband has different personas but they don't change who he is as a person.

At home he's loving and gentle with me and our lil daughter, at work he is in charge of a lot of men and their safety so he has to switch to "work mode" and be more assertive to deal with all the men. Around my mother he practices the "silent mode" to stay out of trouble  Just kidding.

I think everyone has different personas, because different situations require you to do that. Personal and professional. And at sports games or out for a few drinks, you tend to relax more and are out having fun so your persona is more just you.

My husband sometimes speaks differently to me on the phone at work (although he does acknowledge who I am) but that's because people like his boss's might be around so it's more formal. Your hubs just needs to get past the embarrassment of his mates, seriously. He's an adult and he's married. Nothing embarrassing about that unless he's trying to impress somebody or maintain an image.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> I emailed H yesterday, telling him I would call him when he got off work since I was going out to dinner with a friend and wouldn't see him until late (part of our working on things is that I try to reach out more since I work 2 jobs oftentimes back to back) He responded back that I should call before he goes shopping. Fine. I call-he's not quite out of work yet. Normally he'll say I'm still at work, can I call you back in 5?" This time, there's men in the background loud and laughing. He answers "what's up dude? What's going on?" really..??? He knew I was calling...
> 
> He said he doesn't want to get embarrassed at work for talking to his F'ing wife of 8 years!
> 
> ...


Your're selling him sort .... I'd say middle-school.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Mrs1980 said:


> Do you guys have different personas?
> 
> For example: At home, you're Mr. Nice Husband but at work, with friends you find yourself acting differently?
> 
> ...


I don't do this in the terms you've described. If anything, I joke around about other women to my wife at home (she does a faux outrage thing that's hilarious in response), but at work I stay on the straight and narrow. I've been hit on at work so I know not to even go down that path. But I think it's natural for there to be some difference in behavior given where someone is or who they're with, but not in a way that could harm the marriage.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I have multiple personalities (persona's). I have the engaging, interesting worldly persona at gatherings and parties. I have the silent brooding mysterious persona at events where I'm not comfortable being. I have the work persona. And I have the home persona. I also have a seprate persona around my family and around wifes family.

It's a lot to keep straight. But If I just be myself all the time I'll get fired, divorced and not invited to any parties.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My man is so kind and gentle with me and out kids that i often get a shock when I hear him on the phone for a work call or talking to a client.

He is clearly experienced and really confident.
Very manly...yum!

He also has his 'chainsaw' guy persona... as soon as he gets those chaps on he gets a swagger to his walk! It's a very different strut to one he does in his leopard skin thong and batman cape 

I think we all wear many 'hats' during the day... but he NEVER does anthing to disrespect me.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I am the same guy all the time. Its a little tough for me to be a Chief Officer of a Fire Dept. cause I am the consummate nice guy but I can switch on the Chief persona when a firefighter is out of line.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Not in the terms you are describing.

I have business to take care of at work, so I do that. I have a different kind of business to take care of at home, and the personalities and relationships at home are different, so I adjust.

If my wife calls me at work, I don't change how I talk to her. I don't think I have to suddenly act different toward her than I would at home just because the people I work with are there. I am proud of her, and proud to be married to her, and they don't change that.

I suppose if you're just asking if I'm different at work, I think the words of one of my former managers sums it up pretty well. He told me in one of our 1:1 meetings, "Don't let us get you into a position where you have to choose between work and family. I know who will win if you have to make that choice." If my "compartments" (To use someone else's words) collide, then family still wins in my book.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

I am what I am wherever I am, it is all the same. I may join in a little at work but when it gets crude, I steer away, there is no reason to get downright ignorant, it is in bad taste. 

My wife will only call me at work if she broke down or I need to pick kids up, I am always the same man. I don't have a cell, so anyone can pick up. The guys all know her, sometimes they make up stories just to see how she will respond, saying I took off with a woman or something, she just joins right in. She knows how they all are. I tell her all that goes on.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SA's husband said:


> I am what I am wherever I am, it is all the same. I may join in a little at work but when it gets crude, I steer away, there is no reason to get downright ignorant, it is in bad taste.
> 
> My wife will only call me at work if she broke down or I need to pick kids up, I am always the same man. I don't have a cell, so anyone can pick up. The guys all know her, sometimes they make up stories just to see how she will respond, saying I took off with a woman or something, she just joins right in. She knows how they all are. I tell her all that goes on.


I wish I didn't have a cell either. That damn thing is the biggest source of stress in my life. It rings day and night. My wife calls me at work everyday and thank god for bluetooth technology cause she has a nack for calling when I am at the unrinal. For real it happens all the time.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Well yes and no... I'm pretty much the same person at home that I am in public, but I'm certainly more open and vulnerable with my wife as part of having a natural intimate relationship with her. She obviously sees sides of me that I reserve only for her, but that's ours and it's special.

But I'm never ever two-faced about my relationship with my wife when hanging with the guys. I'm honest about how much I love her and how great we are together and I take pride in being able to express that without fear of judgement. If dudes start heckling me about it, I'm quick to dish back some bullsh!t about them and put them down if need be. I can get alpha on the dudes with ease if I need to


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

I am me...

It's all I can be and don't give a rat's butt what anyone thinks of me. 

I personally cannnot stand being around guys. most are way too fake, acting like this or that when certain people are around. it's bs. Most "alpha" males are pansey as* b**ches who act that way because they're insecure little puppies. Classic freudian behavior.

I love my wife, if she calls me I answer the same way alone or in a group of people. I tell her I love her and miss her when I hang up, the exact same way too because I do. And if people have someting to say, f*ck'em, I don't care. 

I see other people degrad their wives or g/f because it's not cool to be whipped and all the guys will laugh. Well f*ck all the other guys. I'd slit all their throats for my wife, so why do i care what they think?

Since early childhood I've seen people act this way or that way to win approval. I'm me. I don't care what anyone else says, does or thinks.

Now acting professional in a certain setting is different altogether, you use a funeral voice at a funeral; but too many people try to be something they're not. I guess they really don't like how or who they are.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Wanting to slit throats??? You sound really angry... You should calm down a bit.



IAMCIV said:


> I am me...
> 
> It's all I can be and don't give a rat's butt what anyone thinks of me.
> 
> ...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I thought I was the always the same, where ever I was. Then my wife told me I had no rank at home. Go figure?


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> Wanting to slit throats??? You sound really angry... You should calm down a bit.


I'm not angry, nor do I want to slit anyones anything. I'm simply saying that in a life or death situation, I'd do whatever I have to, to whoever I have to, to make sure my wife is ok. So if I'd do what I have to to someone, why would I worry about what they thought regarding my realationship with my wife or anything else. 

Lets say there is some kind of natural disaster, pandamoniom breaks out, mass chaos, who do I protect? I meant that as in the most extreme case. 

I'm a very peaceful, giving and loving person and want the best for everyone. But when the nitty hits the gritty, I'm protecting my family at all cost.

I hope to live peacefully my whole life but am prepared to take action when neccessary.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

IAMCIV said:


> I am me...
> 
> It's all I can be and don't give a rat's butt what anyone thinks of me.
> 
> ...


Fabulously ironic, well done. And use of anger to prove just how much you do care while saying you don’t :rofl:


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Again, I am not angry. Just tried to state something that wasn't properly communicated. 

I am a very happy person. I am very friendly and concerned with the well being of just about everyone. 

I understand we are all social creatures, we've surrived as by starting communities and having relationships. We are interdependent. I don't want to come across as a jerk, or cold. I care about being understood and what people care about me to a degree, we all do. That's natural and obvious. What I was talking about was changing who we are to gain approval. Some guys are all lovey dovey with their wives in private but then act like they could care less about their partner when other guys are around. That's different. 

I was simply trying to say, when push came to shove and my families life was on the line I'd do whatever I had to to mr. so and so around the water cooler if it means protecting my wife and children. So obviously their input on my life cannot mean too much, can it?

Everyone cares to a degree about how others see them. I was talking about people who change depending on who's looking. 

And once again I'm not angry at all.
I just re read my first post and can see why people are saying its angry. I didn't mean it to sound that way. I wrote it in a rush and it came out the way it did. I was responding to the types of post like where the husband answered the phone like what's up dude... like in that vein, in regards to how I talk to my wife, I couldn't care less what people thought. I'm not some sociopathic over aggressive person. I'm simply me.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Kind of reminds me of the old tv show - "To tell the truth" - "Will the real OP's husband please stand up?" [(Applause)] 

IAMCIV - spot on! I get it - hyperbole.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Ha ha this is a good one!

In work I'm demanding, professional, totally focused and don't suffer fools or their excuses. I'm reliable and get things done.
However once I get home I transform into "a useless git." My wife's words not mine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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