# To Step Parents...



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

How do you regard your step children? Do you treat them like your own, or do you focus on your spouse and let him or her raise their children with their ex-spouse and just provide high level support and backup as needed?

I ask because I'm involved and living with a woman who has two young (9 and 11) children who she shares custody with her Ex. Mine are grown and on their own, but I wonder how invested I should get with her kids day to day when they have two (separate) loving parents already. We all get along great, but it gets gray as to how much I should be stepping in to care for them either together or individually when she wants or needs to take care of errands or whatever. 

I also wonder what others do about finances and combining vs splitting costs when it comes to covering kids expenses when they're not your own and there's an Ex who is 50% responsible. Not so much small day to day, but college savings, special programs, sports, etc.

Thanks in advance!


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Hello Tommy 518

Being that I never had children of my own..after I got to know my husband and eventually met his two children, we hit it off right away. I was ready to give them the love and attention they needed so thus, becoming a family when we got married, we were already pretty much a family.

Since you and your gf are living together, I'm thinking that maybe you plan a future together? Kids that age need stability and it's between you and your gf how much you weigh in regarding discipline, etc.

Remember, you're living with their mom now..so you're not a so called babysitter, yet someone that they look up to as I'm certain she gets certain custody rights regarding when they stay with you two, etc. You're not just there for the kids when she runs errands, etc..but a Father figure as you ARE living with their mother.

Kids looks at this as a permanent thing irregardless if you're married to their mom or not..you ARE the father figure aside from their real dad and they'll look up to that.

Regarding expenses, I'm sure there is some sort of child support. What you and your gf need to figure out is if you two are living as roommates (where half the costs will be distributed); OR as a couple planning a future together. Those expenses are between you and your gf..however things such as college savings, special programs, sports, etc...those are up to her and her ex.

Hope I helped some.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Hi Tommy,

I would say that you should probably keep a certain distance -- not get too involved. My experience has been that you won't be recognized for any special efforts you make, but most certainly will be demonized if heaven forbid, your rules go against their wishes. And no matter how much you try to make them like you, they never will, really. 

If your GF is a good parent who has rules and is able to enforce them, you won't have much of a problem. Unfortunately, my H was not like this.

Concerning expenses: as you're not married, why not just keep things separate? She's responsible for her children, not you. 

Quite negative message, I realize, but this has been my experience. Don't put yourself out there too much and don't do anything which is inconvenient for you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm stepmum to my husbands daughter, and I love her as my own. I would do anything for her and she loves me too. We are very close (with the blessing of her mother) and she, hubby and I are a real family. Different to her and her parents of course, but still a family.

Things have always been easy between hubby and I, and we discussed our roles and what they would be prior to moving in together. We also did it very slowly...and got SD's input (not permission, input) at various stages. I'm a very involved stepmum (again, with the blessing of her mother) and me, hubby and her mother consider ourselves a parenting team of 3. Her mum and I take her to OT, Psychologist, Paediatrician etc. appointments together - she's just been diagnosed with ASD, and recently attended an ASD seminar together.

Before we married it wasn't like this though, when I was a live in girlfriend I didn't expect much of a say, but when we became engaged, then married and hubby's home became my home that changed. I am given (and expect) a say in the day to day life of my stepdaughter, particularly when she's here (50/50) as it affects me too. 

90% of the time her mother and I communicate directly with each other and I'll fill hubby in later on what's going on, lol. I'm a SAHW and he works full time so it makes it easier if mum and I communicate and keep him in the loop. He loves it that way because he hardly ever has to see or deal with his ex, hehehe.

I've always been very careful not to cross the line either with regard to her mother...I asked her if it was ok for me to get SD some bra's for example, and I would always ask before doing something like getting manicures or her haircut. I know her mum appreciates this. Recently, SD got her first period while she was here with us, and while it was incredibly special for me to be able to share that milestone with her, I did feel for her mother  I told SD to ring her straight away and we were in contact over the next couple of days via text updating mum on how it was all going, lol.

Re finances, when I was working full time before we were married but after we were living together, we just pooled our resources. I would never ask him for reimbursement for something I paid for, for SD nor would he expect reimbursement for taking one of my dogs to the vet for example. We just did it. Everything now is very much ours - our daughter, our dogs, our house etc. 

If something were to happen to my husband, my hope would be that we would keep the 50/50 schedule, and I would continue to meet his financial obligations to SD...despite the fact that I have no legal obligation to do this. I love her that much. I've not discussed this with her mother...perhaps I should...

Anyway, things have definitely been much simpler because I have no children of my own, and for the most part his ex wife is cooperative (we have had issues in the past but things have been good for some time now).


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We are a blended family with 5 teens, 3 mine and 2 are his. We are both on the same page with step parenting and for us we are bonus adults in the kids lives NOT parents.
I love my SKs but not as I do my own, my children are my life and there is no comparison with how I feel about them v's my partners kids. 

We sought professional help before blending families and were given the advice that SPs should not discipline the others children and should not try to take on a parenting role especially if the children have both bio parents in their lives. I would never have my SKs call me mum and my kids do not call my partner dad.

As for finances we mostly cover the costs of our own kids when it comes to big things like school fees (my 3 cost up to $32k each per year to educate of which I pay 50/50 with my ex), my partners kids cost slightly less for school fees but he pays 100% on his own.
We pay for our own kids for major holidays but smaller things such as dinners out we just go with the flow and don't keep tabs on it.

We do not expect each other to look after the others kids but would if needed. Ours are all teens so do not need much looking after, we can go out and leave them at home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm a step mother of 2. I also have a son of my own. All three are now grown. I treated my step children as my own, but their mother was out of the picture for the most part. So from about age 10 on I was the only mother they really had.

There are some very good books on step parenting. I think it would help you to read one or two. Often times it takes about 5 years for a blended family to grow into a family unit. So any involvement you have in their care should be gradual.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Omego said:


> Hi Tommy,
> 
> I would say that you should probably keep a certain distance -- not get too involved. My experience has been that you won't be recognized for any special efforts you make, but most certainly will be demonized if heaven forbid, your rules go against their wishes. And no matter how much you try to make them like you, they never will, really.


True. My x wife wanted a divorce 5 years ago because of the classic, "I'm not happy anymore." The first guy she tried to date, my daughter ran off. She found another guy, and is now married, but my teen kids barely speak to him; they can't stand him. thank goodness, he's not drama, but they prefer to ignore him. I think he gets that, and he obliges. 

My daughter says she hopes the new guy is worth having a weak relationship with her kids.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

I have an 8 year old step son. I married his father when SS was almost 5. We have 50/50 custody, we have him for a week and then he's with his mom and step dad for a week, etc. 

I would not say that I treat him exactly like my own child. That's never really been possible. When I first got with my husband, SS's mom tried really hard to prevent us bonding. She made custody issues a real pain for a while. She was always working on SS to get him to want to be with her more. He would often tell me that he was going to tell his mom on me when he didn't like something I did (usually involving making him take a bath or go to bed, etc) and that I was not his mom. I tried to establish a bond through affection but he rejected it a lot. I think his mom made him feel that to love me would be a betrayal of her. So it often came down to me just having to assert my authority and demand respect. I had to reassure him that I had no intention of trying to replace his mother, I wasn't going to try to be his mom, but I was his step-mom and he has to respect me. So, there's definitely a difference in the level of affection between me and SS and that between me and my own son. We love each other, definitely, but I'm not his mom and it's not the same.

As far as financial stuff goes, my husband and I share finances completely and there is no breaking things out with regard to SS. I buy groceries for the family from my paycheck about half the time. That includes food for SS. I buy him clothes and toys, books and various other items. I have written checks from my personal account for his extra curricular activities. In that way, he gets treated just like my own son. I don't feel that it's just on my husband to pay for those things. 

I definitely take a hands on approach with him. I discipline him probably more often than my husband does because I'm a bit stricter by nature and because I stay at home so am around him more. But my husband and I discuss all disciplinary issues, rules, punishments, etc, and we act as a team. I drive him to and from school and extra curriculars and to his mom's house. 

I think it's really important to make sure that SS feels like he is part of the family. He's not a visitor in my home. He belongs here just as much as any of the rest of us. He has chores and responsibilities, privileges and rights. I may not be his mom, but I am one of his parents. After a bit of a rocky start, his mom did eventually settle down and stop making shared custody difficult for all of us. I feel like he is well adjusted to it now. His life is different than his friends and his siblings and sometimes it's difficult for him. But I think he's a happy kid and he knows that he has a lot of family and we all love him.

Of course, the age of the child and the relationship of all the parties will make each situation different.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Omego said:


> Hi Tommy,
> 
> I would say that you should probably keep a certain distance -- not get too involved. My experience has been that you won't be recognized for any special efforts you make, but most certainly will be demonized if heaven forbid, your rules go against their wishes. And no matter how much you try to make them like you, they never will, really.
> 
> ...


Ditto the above. This has been my experience as well. I leave the parenting up to hubby when it comes to my stepson. It saves a lot of headaches & disagreements that way.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If bio dad is involved in the kids' lives leave as much as possible to both bio parents. You will find there's things that your girlfriend does an won't understand her behavior towards her children, more than likely. There is a whole history between them and normally parents learn to please their little ones so a newby steps in and things are noticed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have input, you should. If the two of you are planning on building your lives together you absolutely to be a part.

I have been a step mom for 23 years. Things did not go so well in my situation. I became the main parent to my SSs and bio mom who only had visitation would not allow her sons to love or accept me which created a very rocky road. The bio parents have a great deal to do with a child acceptance of you.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

This is a difficult situation for all involved, and each case varies, but here is what I've found in my in my two and a half years of being a step parent (she has two and I have two):

You can try to love the step children as you love your own, and might even come close, but really loving them as if they were your own blood is almost impossible.

As much as possible, leave the real disciplining to the step children's bio parent. Mine used to say things like, "Why don't you discipline them like you would yours? You shouldn't let them run all over you. You are their parent now, you should discipline them like a parent." While she would say these things, I found out very quickly that she didn't mean it. Any time I would try to correct their behavior (no spankings, just time out, loss of privileges, etc..) she would take great exception to this. I have since stopped disciplining them altogether, which has helped a little but causes a whole new set of problems. Now, instead of me saying, "Dear Step Daughter, please do not jump on the couch", I have to say, 'Hey honey, would you mind having Dear Step Daughter not jump on the couch.' It's a catch 22 though, because she then says, 'She's right there, why don't you tell her?" But if I do happen to ask her not to jump on the couch, I get the stinkeye from my wife as if to say, "Why are you requesting such things? Didn't you enjoy jumping on the couch when you were young?" This is somewhat of a made up example, but I think it illustrates the point.

Still, it is better to leave the disciplining to the bio parent.


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## sydalg (Nov 8, 2015)

My relationship with SD went to hell hell thanks to her b&/)- mother. Same with her own father my DH. She have not spent a night with us in over a year and before that was another year and half. The only reason she comes around and not to stay is because her mother needs a sitter which she sends her to mi MIL and is always also about money. Oh school is about to start she needs this or that. Which child support should be use for it but instead it's use for her mom drinking, partying and marihuana abuse. She doesn't text nor call unless is around Chritsmas time making sure she will get something. So I guess it's always up to what kind of bio parent you dealing with. If it's a spiteful, hateful person just playing @/$- as a revenge or not over whatever happened before we the step parents came into the picture then our relationship with the SKs will always be doome. No matter how hard you try. It's sad but that's usually how it works.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

sydalg said:


> My relationship with SD went to hell hell thanks to her b&/)- mother. Same with her own father my DH. She have not spent a night with us in over a year and before that was another year and half. The only reason she comes around and not to stay is because her mother needs a sitter which she sends her to mi MIL and is always also about money. Oh school is about to start she needs this or that. Which child support should be use for it but instead it's use for her mom drinking, partying and marihuana abuse. She doesn't text nor call unless is around Chritsmas time making sure she will get something. So I guess it's always up to what kind of bio parent you dealing with. If it's a spiteful, hateful person just playing @/$- as a revenge or not over whatever happened before we the step parents came into the picture then our relationship with the SKs will always be doome. No matter how hard you try. It's sad but that's usually how it works.


The bio parents have a great deal to do with how a step parent is accepted. If either bio parent is playing head games with the child(ren) and creating a tug-of-war effect because either one cannot allow the child to accept and love the step parent there will be issues. If one parent is not a truthful person to begin with you can expect manipulation and lies to fly to the children, all in an attempt to get the child to favor one parent over the other. It is called alienation. Hopefully OP will not have to deal with this. You may as well kiss the thought of being any part of these kids' lives if the bio parents re not supportive.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Op sounds like I am in your situation. Not a lot of answers but I do have empathy for you trying to figure all this out. I live with my Gf and she has a son. I would like to be more involved in his life since his father is completely out of the picture, and honestly he needs some more male role modeling, but I have been pushed out of that role and now keep my distance. I have two daughters and for the most part everyone gets along but it is differs in the household. The expectations and things I expect of my daughters and the expectations of her to her son vary and the kids see that. They do not go to the same school district, again moms choice even though I have a highly rated middle school within walking distance. We do not share expenses and honestly I never would with the current set up nor would I marry. I had hoped that we would be come more "blended" but that just won't happen for this relationship it seems But I am being patient to see what comes. We just finished our first "family" trip to Disney world and that wasn't nearly the disaster I thought it would be.

I think the key to successful step parenting is to naturally be on the same page with the other parent or work constantly to get on the same page. I have some friends of mine, 4 kids between them, and they do this effortlessly and have since day one. Keys over communicate on both parents parts and respect what the other is saying


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Bottom line is you and your GF need to be on the same page, so only the two of you (with the bio dad if the relationship is that good.) Only do as much as you are comfortable with, WITHOUT expecting any kind of accolades. I think some "steps" get feelings hurt because they do for the child and then expect (understandably) to get praised for "taking care of not their own." Unfortunately it doesn't really work like that. So only do as much as you are willing to do out of love for their mother/them and leave it at that. Boundaries apply in step-families as well as relationships.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I was the parent married to wife 2.0 with my child. Her as the step. It's difficult and there is no uniformed or easy answer. Many variables can be at play. Involvement of each bio-parent, etc.

The best we could work out was that I explained it to my wife as follows...

- My daughter is mine.
- Her mother is involved. 
- There is a 50/50 schedule with week on/week off. 
- My daughter is to respect you as an adult member of the family. She is to be polite and respectful, as she was raised. 
- I have no expectations on you to fulfill any parenting role. She has that covered and it's not fair to place you in the middle of that. 
- My daughter is raised on views that are comprised of a line between myself and her mother. You are wonderful person who is vastly different than her mother. You most likely won't agree on decisions we make. I hope you can accept that.

It's rocky. Daughter is on her own now and it's still a little rocky over a few minor things here and there as my daughter isn't fully away yet. But when a child is a teen, as my daughter was, it's not right to force her to be int eh middle of 3 or 4 parent's whims who are bound to differ much more than the biological parents do/did. It's not right to expect the other parent to accept a new vote, so to speak. Granted, my wife and I would discuss things. I would take in her input and then make my decisions with that in mind. But it was her and I communicating quietly with minimal sway from my normal stance. Sway. But minimal.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Op sounds like I am in your situation. Not a lot of answers but I do have empathy for you trying to figure all this out. I live with my Gf and she has a son. I would like to be more involved in his life since his father is completely out of the picture, and honestly he needs some more male role modeling, but I have been pushed out of that role and now keep my distance. I have two daughters and for the most part everyone gets along but it is differs in the household. The expectations and things I expect of my daughters and the expectations of her to her son vary and the kids see that. They do not go to the same school district, again moms choice even though I have a highly rated middle school within walking distance. We do not share expenses and honestly I never would with the current set up nor would I marry. I had hoped that we would be come more "blended" but that just won't happen for this relationship it seems But I am being patient to see what comes. We just finished our first "family" trip to Disney world and that wasn't nearly the disaster I thought it would be.
> 
> I think the key to successful step parenting is to naturally be on the same page with the other parent or work constantly to get on the same page. I have some friends of mine, 4 kids between them, and they do this effortlessly and have since day one. Keys over communicate on both parents parts and respect what the other is saying


Wolf, interesting to read this from a man's perspective as a step father. I have been married to my second husband for 23 years, a his, mine and ours. Four were steps and all very young, bio parents from each side had abandoned the children and we had full custody. There was differences in parenting styles with both of us, my husband let his boys run in restaurants and he let them use cuss words, at 5 years old I thought it was not the best thing for this little boy to be walking around saying "dang" all the time an I sure didn't want my 3 year old to pick that up. We had to combine our thoughts of what was appropriate and acceptable.

I wanted the kids to grow up as brother and sister and I wanted them to know they had 2 moms and 2 dads, they all went to the same school, same sitters, same sports, etc. My ex was onboard with this but bio mom was not. She left the boys but I think she left to go start her life and find a new husband to support her sons and I think she thought she would get her sons back when she got settled. Not until about a year after we started dating did she realize the I was in the boys' lives and when she did she would not accept my trying to befriend her, she made it clear. She wanted her sons back and she did not want her sons to have anything to do with me or my children. In her mind she was the only mom to her sons but I ended up being the main parent that raised those children. She was angry, hateful, lied to the boys, catered to them when they complained about me making it known to them that they did not need to respect me. She did not give them permission to accept or love me and they did not. To say the very least it was a difficult road to walk down. 

On the flip side, I did befriend my x's wife, I gave her permission to discipline my children, I never spoke bad about her, I helped my kids understand her if they complained about her, I gave my kids permission to accept her and love her and they still have a relationship with her today even though their marriage did not survive.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Wolf, interesting to read this from a man's perspective as a step father. I have been married to my second husband for 23 years, a his, mine and ours. Four were steps and all very young, bio parents from each side had abandoned the children and we had full custody. There was differences in parenting styles with both of us, my husband let his boys run in restaurants and he let them use cuss words, at 5 years old I thought it was not the best thing for this little boy to be walking around saying "dang" all the time an I sure didn't want my 3 year old to pick that up. We had to combine our thoughts of what was appropriate and acceptable.
> 
> *I wanted the kids to grow up as brother and sister and I wanted them to know they had 2 moms and 2 dads,* they all went to the same school, same sitters, same sports, etc. My ex was onboard with this but bio mom was not. She left the boys but I think she left to go start her life and find a new husband to support her sons and I think she thought she would get her sons back when she got settled. Not until about a year after we started dating did she realize the I was in the boys' lives and when she did she would not accept my trying to befriend her, she made it clear. She wanted her sons back and she did not want her sons to have anything to do with me or my children. In her mind she was the only mom to her sons but I ended up being the main parent that raised those children. She was angry, hateful, lied to the boys, catered to them when they complained about me making it known to them that they did not need to respect me. She did not give them permission to accept or love me and they did not. To say the very least it was a difficult road to walk down.
> 
> On the flip side, I did befriend my x's wife, I gave her permission to discipline my children, I never spoke bad about her, I helped my kids understand her if they complained about her, I gave my kids permission to accept her and love her and they still have a relationship with her today even though their marriage did not survive.


This is ultimately what I would need for me to move forward with marriage and step parenting. Seems really difficult to accomplish. Envious of anyone who can make a real go of it


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## sydalg (Nov 8, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> sydalg said:
> 
> 
> > My relationship with SD went to hell hell thanks to her b&/)- mother. Same with her own father my DH. She have not spent a night with us in over a year and before that was another year and half. The only reason she comes around and not to stay is because her mother needs a sitter which she sends her to mi MIL and is always also about money. Oh school is about to start she needs this or that. Which child support should be use for it but instead it's use for her mom drinking, partying and marihuana abuse. She doesn't text nor call unless is around Chritsmas time making sure she will get something. So I guess it's always up to what kind of bio parent you dealing with. If it's a spiteful, hateful person just playing @/$- as a revenge or not over whatever happened before we the step parents came into the picture then our relationship with the SKs will always be doome. No matter how hard you try. It's sad but that's usually how it works.
> ...


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I totally agree with AVR1962. I've been married for 15 years. We were married way too soon after their divorce. My husband's ex, in the beginning, would make negative comments about my husband and me to our faces so I'm sure that the children heard them directly and indirectly. Where my husband is concerned, I wish he would have just once said "She is not here to replace your mom and I'm not expecting you to love her as if she were your mom but she is my wife and when you are here, I expect you to respect her." I'm different than my husband, I tried to include him with my kids (I had primary custody) where he tended (whether consciously or unconsciously) to not promote our relationship as far as promoting an "inclusive" environment. Watch how the parents are, it will not change when you get married, it could get worse.


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