# Hello all. Concerned husband here



## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Hey, 

Glad to be here. So, simply put, I am a father of 5 children (3 of which are step, 1 mine, 1 biological with my wife). I have been in the relationship for over 5 years now. Things have their ups and downs, that I know for sure. I mean, I was a soldier once, good testimony of what up and down looks like. So the issue I have, is money has become a bit tight. Oh well, life happens right, here's where it gets interesting. 

I took a part time job as a Police Officer. Nothing crazy, I don't live in a major town, but still, dangerous right. I get up at 3 A.M. to go to my full time job until 12:00 PM. After that, I go home, change, and go patrol until 9:00 PM. Now this isn't permanent. It is only for this week really. My first day was yesterday so I did my stint. Once I got home from work (s), my wife was laying in bed reading a book. The baby crying, ya know, the American Dream. We talked for like 1 minute, before she rolled over and kept reading. Am I wrong for thinking WT#? I tried telling her about my day and she just replied with how I was wrong with my thoughts about suspects. I mean come on..... I am doing this for her, the family, and our well being. 

Now, let me tell you this, it isn't like I do not do stuff, or emotionally support her. I tell her all the time how she is beautiful, ect…. I get nothing in return. I sold my PS4, to help her buy a camera she has been after for awhile. I got nothing in return. I do everything I can with the baby. I get nothing in return. I got a second job to help. I get nothing in return. I paid for her to go to a concert soon, like a get away from the kids and enjoy yourself overnight, I will watch them. I get nothing in return. 

At some point, I feel I kind of have to just pull up my pants and say [email protected]#4 it. Call it quits ya know? I love my wife dearly. I really do and I would do anything for her and the kids, but when nothing is EVER given back in return, how much can you take? It isn't like I want gifts. I mean yeah, gifts are nice, but a freaking hug would mean the world to me once and awhile. That's the problem right there. People take each other for granted and feel they are so comfortable, we forget the most important things in life. It isn't sex, it isn't gifts, it isn't the fancy dinners. It's simple as a hug. A hug can make or break someone. I get no love man.....

One last thing. I joked about taking her on a ride along for an hour on Saturday, just so she can see the old mean streets of my town (joke). Mind you, this was me joking. I know my daughters 1 year old party is Saturday. I have that day off for that. She got super defensive. "I cant do it, we have the party that day, or did you forget that", but imagine that in a tone of someone who has been asked the same question 100 times and finally snapped back with a snooty response. That is what I got. For attempting humor. Sigh.... 

Thoughts? I mean, idk what else to do short of slapping the ol divorce papers down.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You don’t say what ages your kids are but I don’t think there’s a job in the world any harder than looking after a family of young kids. I honestly hope that it’s frustration that has you considering leaving your family and you don’t really mean it She has five kids to mind, she doesn’t need another grown up one on top of that. You have to work extra hours for one week and you are coming across like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

condemnedhawk said:


> Hey,
> 
> Glad to be here. So, simply put, I am a father of 5 children (3 of which are step, 1 mine, 1 biological with my wife). I have been in the relationship for over 5 years now. Things have their ups and downs, that I know for sure. I mean, I was a soldier once, good testimony of what up and down looks like. So the issue I have, is money has become a bit tight. Oh well, life happens right, here's where it gets interesting.
> 
> ...


Life with young children can be crazy. Is there any chance your wife is suffering post-partum depression? Even just leftover hormones after giving birth can mess with your mind. If I am reading correctly, you come in at midnight - at that time, I am not ready to chitchat and would probably be rolling over to go to sleep too.

I would suggest - find a time when both of you can talk. Sit down and ask her how she is doing. She may be overwhelmed. I know that I was always told to rest when the baby rested - of course H would always walk in just as I had sat down with a book - not knowing that 5 minutes before I was digging Cheerios out of my hair and changing what seemed like the hundredth diaper of the day. She doesn't want gifts - pick up a vacuum instead and see how much love you get.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you have a pretty hectic life right now. A new job, a baby and 4 older kids, financial concerns. With the hours you are working, I'm guessing your wife must be home a great deal looking after the kids.

Then you get home from work and she seems disinterested and closed off to conversation, shows very little affection and seems to be on edge with what sounds like a stress response to something you intended to be a joke.

You said you've been together over 5 years. I'm wondering how the relationship was at the start?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On pressure, life's pressure.

This is not the life that she wanted.

I suspect she is numb, just living day to day. Raising five children is draining, there is not enough time in the day for herself.
Just having that one year old baby, is energy draining.

Herself, yes, that concept. She has little of that concept in her present life. 

She loses herself in her reading
What is the name and nature of the book, just curious, this will tell me, and others what she is missing, and desiring.
Is it romance oriented, fantasy, or science fiction. 

Tell us.

She likely does not like policemen, maybe has a negative view about them. This is not uncommon.
She might view them as someone who enjoys putting people in jail, or giving them traffic tickets!

She sounds like she cannot relate to your work, and has no interest.
It sounds like you and her are not compatible in very many ways.

If you want this marriage to work you will need to see what interests her and then talk about those things and do those activities.
She likes concerts, music? 

What else?

Has she is falling out of love with you?
Right now, her whole world is the children.

Feeding them, bathing them, chasing after them, cleaning up after them. taking care of their needs. She has no time for you or herself.
Could be normal mommy burn out.
Her whole life now is shambolic.

Or, so it seems.

Is it too late? 
Time will tell.

I would try to rekindle that love. 
Give it another year.

Money is tight, does she work?
With five children, money will be tight. Those buggers are expensive!

What are their ages?

If she is not working, she needs to, just to get out of the house.
This will lessen your work load and remind her of your contribution.

She sees you as someone who is not home much and has lost the meaning/reason of why this is so. 

Someone has to bring home the bacon and the chicken nuggets. Someone has work outside.

She has lost the plot to your joint un-novel marriage.
Your role in her play is loosing value to her.

Stop talking about your work, talk about her day and likes.

You say you love her dearly. That is good.

All of the above words are contingent on you not revealing some other new and relevant facts that would twist your marriage beyond anything fixable.
For example, those red flags that seem to suddenly sneak and wave their way into TAM threads.



KB-


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

20yr said:


> Life with young children can be crazy. Is there any chance your wife is suffering post-partum depression? Even just leftover hormones after giving birth can mess with your mind. If I am reading correctly, you come in at midnight - at that time, I am not ready to chitchat and would probably be rolling over to go to sleep too.
> 
> I would suggest - find a time when both of you can talk. Sit down and ask her how she is doing. She may be overwhelmed. I know that I was always told to rest when the baby rested - of course H would always walk in just as I had sat down with a book - not knowing that 5 minutes before I was digging Cheerios out of my hair and changing what seemed like the hundredth diaper of the day. She doesn't want gifts - pick up a vacuum instead and see how much love you get.


Dude's running on 3 hrs of sleep after a 21 hr day, wife is laying there reading a book, and you want him to pick up a vacuum? Condemnedhawk, whatever is wrong in your relationship, apparently it because you're not doing enough around the house. Don't you know your wife needs leisure? 

Btw, who handled the crying baby? Are all those kids there full time, or do they spend time with their other parent too.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, from a retired Soldier, thank you for your service.

Second, she doesn't respect you.

Why do you suppose that is?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Thanks for all the replies. I do clean, in fact this past weekend, I cleaned the whole house while she was at a party. I make time to let her have girls nights while I watch the kids and she goes out. I try so hard to give her the space she needs from the children. Trust me, I do not just push them off on her. I do everything I can to ensure I am there with them as much as possible. The kids are all older, self sustaining, aside from the 1 year old. WHICH I do everything I can for, but she is addicted to mommy. She sleeps with her. I would if the baby would let me, but she only wants mom. 

I am sorry she is doing the whole mom thing. She runs a daycare and that's cool, but they don't do a whole lot. I am burnt out too, but I am still trying to smile and give the everything she needs and desires. I get how people feel she is burnt because of the children, but I guess I didn't state this clear enough. I do just as much, with two jobs, as she does with one. When does the guy get to say he's burnt out? Never, because that is not who I am. I will say this though, she isn't like she was when we met. 

makes me sad honestly. I wish she would smile more and be more attentive to the world around her. I think we should go see a therapist. I wonder if that will make a difference in her mind set.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

I wish I knew..... Idk what else to do. I thought cleaning, being a father, provider, and a protector were the pre-requisites to happiness....guess not.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Nucking Futs said:


> Dude's running on 3 hrs of sleep after a 21 hr day, wife is laying there reading a book, and you want him to pick up a vacuum? Condemnedhawk, whatever is wrong in your relationship, apparently it because you're not doing enough around the house. Don't you know your wife needs leisure?
> 
> Btw, who handled the crying baby? Are all those kids there full time, or do they spend time with their other parent too.



ha. I guess so. The crying baby, I hold her, but she wants her mom. Makes it hard to really get her to stay with me. Sometimes, ill take her and sleep on the couch so mom can sleep in peace for once, but I get up so early, I have to take her back down stairs, so I try and limit that. 

Kids are full time, but they are mostly self sustaining. They can do everything, therefore, not much to do with them as far as cleaning and such. I tought them to clean after eating ect…


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> I really do and I would do anything for her and the kids, but when nothing is EVER given back in return, how much can you take?


The minute you put the word "but" in a sentence, you completely negate all the words before it, and that's exactly what you did in this sentence.

You claim you'll do *anything* for her and the kids, but in the same breath, you whine about how you're at the end of your rope and further down in your post, you mention divorce. So, there's that.

Is your wife actually caring for 5 kids all day long, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day? And one of them is yours from a prior relationship? Does this kid come every other weekend or do you have full custody?

Not for nuthin' but if I were you, I'd be looking into a vasectomy in short order. That was literally my first thought.

No wonder your wife is numb. I would be too, if I were stuck in a house with 5 kids 24/7 with no foreseeable personal freedom until the year 2036. 

I'm really loathe to give such cliche over-used advice like this, but the only thing I can think of is to suggest marriage counseling so you can learn how to TALK to each other and convey your needs to each other. 

PS: If you have your other kid full time and your wife has taken on the 24/7 care of him/her along with the rest of the brood, then you DO owe her some serious ass kissing because not every woman is willing to sign up for that. Ask me how I know. :grin2:


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> First, from a retired Soldier, thank you for your service.
> 
> Second, she doesn't respect you.
> 
> ...


I don't know. I thought being everything a person would want, would be like bliss. With the occasional hic-up. But, here we are and I still am struggling to find that joy in her eyes. It is making my fire fade as well. To the point that I honestly am just able to fall asleep and not even concern myself with it anymore. I find other things to plug my time now away. If I ever found out why she didn't respect me, I would surly change it. I have tried asking her, which just makes her mad. At this point, it just feels like were going through the motions.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The minute you put the word "but" in a sentence, you completely negate all the words before it, and that's exactly what you did in this sentence.
> 
> You claim you'll do *anything* for her and the kids, but in the same breath, you whine about how you're at the end of your rope and blah blah blah.
> 
> ...



I see where you are coming from. She takes on my one kid, I handle her 3 on my off days. I can see how she is getting the short end. I ensure she gets to go out with her girl friends for a break, I watch the kids over night. Yeah. I see how I am the one who is the bad guy here. I am sorry she does what she does, but she kinda signed up for her aspect as well. She didn't need to be a daycare provider. That was her choice. She could've gotten a normal job and kids sent to daycare. Plus the kids aren't in the house 24/7. They have school and such. I would put it more at she deals with them from 4pm till 8pm. So 4/7 perhaps. I handle the other times. 


I honestly find it disheartening that the woman is automatically the poor her aspect.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think that it's difficult to know what would help a situation without a lot of communication about the issues, and it seems like you are throwing darts at a dartboard while wearing a blindfold and hoping to hit the target. I think that 'happiness' is a very subjective idea and what you think would make your wife happy might not be what your wife feels would make her happy. 

Since you can't read her mind, what might be a good start is for you to tell us what would make you feel happy right now?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

condemnedhawk said:


> I wish I knew..... Idk what else to do. I thought cleaning, being a father, provider, and a protector were the pre-requisites to happiness....guess not.


This can lead to respect...but it can also lead to laying down when you shouldn't...and if you don't respect yourself, I promise you that she won't respect you.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

condemnedhawk said:


> I see where you are coming from. She takes on my one kid, I handle her 3 on my off days. I can see how she is getting the short end. I ensure she gets to go out with her girl friends for a break, I watch the kids over night. Yeah. I see how I am the one who is the bad guy here. I am sorry she does what she does, but she kinda signed up for her aspect as well. She didn't need to be a daycare provider. That was her choice. She could've gotten a normal job and kids sent to daycare. Plus the kids aren't in the house 24/7. They have school and such. I would put it more at she deals with them from 4pm till 8pm. So 4/7 perhaps. I handle the other times.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You should find it disheartening...if you are doing your part.

Childrearing is very hard work.

So is working full time on 3 hours rest.

When was the last time you had a "guys night out"? What was her response the last time it was discussed?

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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Correct me if I read this wrong, but didn't you state clearly in your 1st post that this 21 hours of work every day is only for one week? Didn't you say that working from 3:00 a.m. until noon and then noon until 9:00 p.m. is just for a week? Because if this is only going to be happening for 1 week, then you just have to deal with it for that 1 week. I think several of the posters here are under the in accurate impression that this is your regular long term work schedule. Perhaps you can clarify.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

condemnedhawk said:


> I took a part time job as a Police Officer. Nothing crazy, I don't live in a major town, but still, dangerous right. *I get up at 3 A.M. to go to my full time job until 12:00 PM. After that, I go home, change, and go patrol until 9:00 PM. Now this isn't permanent. It is only for this week really. .*My first day was yesterday so I did my stint. Once I got home from work (s), my wife was laying in bed reading a book. The baby crying, ya know, the American Dream. We talked for like 1 minute, before she rolled over and kept reading. Am I wrong for thinking WT#? I tried telling her about my day and she just replied with how I was wrong with my thoughts about suspects. I mean come on..... I am doing this for her, the family.



I am a little confused reading the bolded statement. Is the second job just for this week? You're normally a 3am to noon employee?


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

AliceA said:


> I think that it's difficult to know what would help a situation without a lot of communication about the issues, and it seems like you are throwing darts at a dartboard while wearing a blindfold and hoping to hit the target. I think that 'happiness' is a very subjective idea and what you think would make your wife happy might not be what your wife feels would make her happy.
> 
> Since you can't read her mind, what might be a good start is for you to tell us what would make you feel happy right now?


for me, happiness is my family. I mean, I play games and such, which I enjoy, but I can do that at my normal job (Long story) so I have a computer I take there. At home, I like seeing them smile. Just having a good time. I honestly do not have much of a niche that makes me overly happy. Hugs from the kids and the wife. Telling me to have a good day, waking up and texting me, those kind of things.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Lila said:


> I am a little confused reading the bolded statement. Is the second job just for this week? You're normally a 3am to noon employee?


Normally yes, a 3 am to noon. The long hours, are for a week, the part time job will slow down after the other guy gets back from vacation. I will work like 20-30 hours a week at the part time job sun though sun. However, while he is gone, I am working till 9pm every night from 3 am in the morning. I am not home, which sucks, but I am in the same town. I told her if the baby has a blow out or anything, to call me and I would come home, be 10-6 (busy to dispatch) and change the diaper so she didn't have to.

to easier explain. The long weeks, are every other week basically. Until I deem it unesscary. Until our bills are fully caught up, I am going to do this. However, I don't wanna do it if it is underappreciated. I already felt that way, now this adds to it.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> You should find it disheartening...if you are doing your part.
> 
> Childrearing is very hard work.
> 
> ...


LOL not to discredit her at all, because it really is ok. But, last guys night was like 3 years ago at my buddies bachelor party. I mentioned doing some Zombie VR thing in our local town, but she said we don't have the money. She wanted to go with her girl friends and I found the money for her to go. I feel like I am just being taken advantage of ya know? AGain, love her to death. Just wish it was the same across the board in terms of what happens.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Correct me if I read this wrong, but didn't you state clearly in your 1st post that this 21 hours of work every day is only for one week? Didn't you say that working from 3:00 a.m. until noon and then noon until 9:00 p.m. is just for a week? Because if this is only going to be happening for 1 week, then you just have to deal with it for that 1 week. I think several of the posters here are under the in accurate impression that this is your regular long term work schedule. Perhaps you can clarify.


Fair enough. For this week, I Will be working a ton. After this week, it will happen like every other week where I work these long hours. It will not be permenant. THe concerns I had, was just the week is going to be hell for me? Why? So basically, everytime I do this, I have to suffer through hell? It sucks feeling underappreciated ya know. 

But, for terms of the schedule, imagine this every other week.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Do you think your wife loves you? If so, how do you know?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

condemnedhawk said:


> LOL not to discredit her at all, because it really is ok. But, last guys night was like 3 years ago at my buddies bachelor party. I mentioned doing some Zombie VR thing in our local town, but she said we don't have the money. She wanted to go with her girl friends and I found the money for her to go. I feel like I am just being taken advantage of ya know? AGain, love her to death. Just wish it was the same across the board in terms of what happens.


Then why do you allow it?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

If this hasn't been her normal behavior in the past, maybe look into postpartum depression? It can manifest itself in different ways. It'd be a long time for that, I think, but it's still a possibility.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

condemnedhawk said:


> I see where you are coming from. She takes on my one kid, I handle her 3 on my off days. I can see how she is getting the short end. I ensure she gets to go out with her girl friends for a break, I watch the kids over night. Yeah. I see how I am the one who is the bad guy here. I am sorry she does what she does, but she kinda signed up for her aspect as well. She didn't need to be a daycare provider. That was her choice. She could've gotten a normal job and kids sent to daycare. Plus the kids aren't in the house 24/7. They have school and such. I would put it more at she deals with them from 4pm till 8pm. So 4/7 perhaps. I handle the other times.


Let's be honest here. They're not ALL in school all day, unless kindergarten now takes 1 year olds?

Secondly, your wife would have to be making a minimum of $10,000 a month in order to *justify* what the monthly cost would be to put 5 kids into daycare on a monthly basis - whether all 5 are full-time or not. I mean, unless she's a real high earner, it's pretty obvious she's staying home because daycare for a small army of kids is out of just about *anyone's* reach.



> I honestly find it disheartening that the woman is automatically the poor her aspect.


 I don't automatically think she's the 'poor' victim in this deal or that you need to suck it up. For reasons only she can understand, she's_ chosen_ to take on the life she's living so that's on her, I agree with you. But I ALSO get the sense that you're like this stray dog begging for a pat on the head and always trying to please her and the sad truth is, it's just human nature that most people eventually stop appreciating our efforts after a while. In the beginning, they appreciate these things we do for them. As time goes by, and without even realizing it, they start to appreciate what you do less and start to take these things for granted. After more time passes by, it simply becomes expected from you - with rarely a thank you to be had.

And it's a thankless, THANKLESS job, isn't it?

Ask me how I know.

I'll just say this. Every day you get to eventually come home from your job. Isn't that a good feeling to walk out the door, unlock your car, and drive away from your office? Well, your wife doesn't get that luxury - she's *ALWAYS* doing her job, *24 hours a day, 7 days a week.* Whether it happens to be one or two kids while the others are in school or the entire litter - she's ALWAYS on duty. She doesn't get the evening or weekends off. She NEVER gets to walk away at 5 pm and get in her car and drive away. She gets a rare, occasional overnight or gets to go to a concert without 5 sticky, snotty-nosed kids hanging off of her and you act as though she should be on her knees thanking you in gratitude for those few paltry hours she finally gets to see and *remember* what it's like to be an adult woman again.

I gotta be honest. She's just in survival mode at this point. You're lucky she's not medicating herself just to get through the day.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm glad we stopped at 2 kids. 

A good friend of mine has 5 children. The youngest one is 10 months old. She works part time. I really don't know how she does it! Her home is a disaster, her husband whines and complains about everything and doesn't help enough. He thinks she can be Mary Poppins and work part time while taking care of 3 kids under 5! 

If your other 4 kids are old enough to fend for themselves, then your wife only has 1 child to take care of. I don't know why it's so hard for her to care for one child.

If she's tired from watching other kids that's something else. You guys need to talk about it if she feels her babysitting job is overwhelming. Maybe she needs a different job.

The good thing is that kids grow up fast! My youngest one was attached to my hip. I couldn't even go the bathroom by myself! She's 8 now and becoming very independent. 

Both need to be patient. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are struggling to pay bills. Both need to be supportive of each other to overcome this difficult time. You need to have a serious talk with your wife and find out why she's behaving the way she is, and also talk about your financial goals, so it's clear in her mind that whatever you are doing now it's temporary until you pay your bills.

You also need time on your own. It's good for a person to have a hobby or something to do outside the home. I know I need time on my own to decompress and be happy. My husband feels the same way. 

I hope you can find a solution to your problem. Good luck!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The minute you put the word "but" in a sentence, you completely negate all the words before it, and that's exactly what you did in this sentence.
> 
> You claim you'll do *anything* for her and the kids, but in the same breath, you whine about how you're at the end of your rope and further down in your post, you mention divorce. So, there's that.
> 
> ...


At this point in the thread, I have to say that, unless this guy is just clueless and lying to us about everything, I think you are out of line. 

She had 3 kids of her own that are not his. He has one and they BOTH have one together. So 3 5th of the child rearing in her deal from the get go.

He is working two jobs, he helps clean, she does not work. 

Sorry suck it up butter cup, or butter cup is going to be raising 3 kids alone, and a 4th 50% of the time if she does not figure some way to keep this train on the track. 

Most of the time I agree with you, but not this time...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> He is working two jobs, he helps clean, she does not work.


She is definitely working. She runs a daycare. That is exhausting.

@condemnedhawk I was shocked that you told her that you'd come home to change a diaper when you are running on less than three hours of sleep.

I hope you make it through the week, but right now know that you are not in any condition to add more to your duties. You need some sleep. For the rest of this hectic week, do not worry about anything that is happening at home or how your wife is doing. You are in survival mode right now. After this week is over, take some time to rest. You say you have Saturday off, I recommend you tell your wife that you are sleeping in and under no circumstances are you to be awakened. If she gets angry, walk away and let her be angry by herself. You can deal with her when you have your head cleared.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> @condemnedhawk I was shocked that you told her that you'd come home to change a diaper when you are running on less than three hours of sleep.


I assumed this was snark to prove a point.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ShesStillGotIt's posts need to be quoted for truth, and in addition to those:



condemnedhawk said:


> I am sorry she does what she does, but she kinda signed up for her aspect as well. She didn't need to be a daycare provider. That was her choice. She could've gotten a normal job and kids sent to daycare. Plus the kids aren't in the house 24/7. They have school and such. I would put it more at she deals with them from 4pm till 8pm. So 4/7 perhaps. I handle the other times.
> 
> I honestly find it disheartening that the woman is automatically the poor her aspect.


She already pointed out that your wife is never free of the kids, and I want to add that this is summertime that you are here complaining. School's out for the summer. Isn't it?

But regarding another person, it's wrong to ever say things like "she signed up for this" kind of thing or "It was her choice" kind of thing. People do sign for up but surely you can guess that signing up occurs with no knowledge of what they are signing up for since nobody knows what the future will bring. If she is affected by the long-term results (and consequences) of her commitment, she couldn't possibly know how it would make her feel at this point. And, at this point, she's just trying to rock n roll in order to deal with it all. Being a SAHM is awful (not to mention stupid, but I digress). It's never easy to deal with. It drove me crazy for 2 years, and I only had one kid. Some of the kids being in school doesn't remove the feeling of that burden because she's still a SAHM to 5 kids, so she always feels like a SAHM to 5 kids.

And I should point out your very bad attitude regarding her.



condemnedhawk said:


> The long weeks, are every other week basically. Until I deem it unesscary. Until our bills are fully caught up, I am going to do this. However, I don't wanna do it if it is underappreciated. I already felt that way, now this adds to it.


Are you saying you don't want to work extra to catch up on the bills if your wife doesn't show you appreciation? Whatever she does or doesn't do, the bills still need catching up. So you may want accolades, but you're not doing it for that, nor are you doing it for her. You're doing it because the bills need catching up.

I compare you to a lot of women. We women fall into a terrible habit of expecting our man to be able to read our minds. We formulate in our heads the image of a perfect husband, one who loves us no matter what; one who does and says everything just right because he knows what we like; one who appreciates our specialness because he thinks we're special, and so on. 

And that's what you are doing. You're faulting your wife for not recognizing all your wonderfulness because, in your head, you are wonderful and your image of the perfect wife would appreciate that.

Women have to be reminded that they didn't marry that man in their head. And so, I'm telling you that you didn't marry that perfect wife.

You want recognition, accolades, appreciation, and affection for all your efforts. Based on what you tell us here, it seems to me that you're a pretty good guy and trying as hard as you can, or that you think you are. But I have no idea of your wife's feelings about any of that or how overwhelmed she might be after signing up for this. 

The problem in your marriage is you have no idea either. But you're here complaining about the appreciation that you don't get. What if she felt the same way?

I do see that you feel you are considerate and make the effort you should make. But what if how you feel and what you think you do are not what she needs? If they're not, then she's probably feeling equally unappreciated as you.

It's not uncommon for guys to feel like they lose their wife after wifey becomes mommy. What they don't know, because they can only live in their own skin and their own feelings, is that wifey feels like she lost herself too. It takes a long time for her to feel like herself again. The more kids there are, the less likely *herself* ever returns. Just last week, a mother with 2 kids both under 3 years old mentioned, among a bunch of other things she hasn't had time to do, "I haven't had time to even look in the mirror." I found that really profound and I know very well how she felt. So you're here begrudging your wife of a book. And there are some here agreeing with you. That's really too bad.

I know you're working hard, and I can't disagree you deserve appreciation for that. But you have no right to complain about it. You have no right because I haven't read one word about you talking with your wife about your concerns. You and she both deserve appreciation, but how can you know what she needs if you don't talk to her? You can bring the heavens down to earth but if it's not what she needs, it won't matter at all. So you can't complain that she doesn't appreciate all that you do. Nor can she know that you need her expressions of appreciation if you don't talk to her about your needs. You didn't marry the woman in your head that you imagined already knows. You have to tell her. You and she need to talk.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> @condemnedhawk I was shocked that you told her that you'd come home to change a diaper when you are running on less than three hours of sleep.





personofinterest said:


> I assumed this was snark to prove a point.


 @condemnedhawk, perhaps you can clarify. I took your comment to your wife to be your way of trying to be a good husband; or were you being sarcastic with your wife?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I meant to also add that you're really just complaining about her signing up for this because if daycare were an option, then the bills wouldn't need catching. Daycare is too exorbitantly expensive and would be needed with 5 kids around. Maybe not every day, and maybe you think you could take up the slack, but it would be needed and any number of days a or 2 or 3 kids spend in daycare would negate her part-time pay.

So for that matter, you signed up for this too, just like you claim she did. But you're the one here complaining that you don't get no appreciation.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> If your other 4 kids are old enough to fend for themselves, then your wife only has 1 child to take care of. I don't know why it's so hard for her to care for one child.


I'm sorry, Pastasauce, but that's not true. I meant to address it to him also because he said something similar. But I think you are looking forward, probably with great anticipation for that time your kids are older. Until then though, you won't know what it's like. It really doesn't matter how many kids need her constant attention. A home needs to be run around the clock. And a SAHM mom never gets to stop feeling like or being acutely aware that she is a SAHM.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@personofinterest, is calling the OP names really going to help him?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

A lot of things aren't computing for me here, perhaps because both of these people are clearly exhausted. 
@condemnedhawk can you re-state what your normal work routine is, how many hours a week you typically work, and what your current modified schedule is? What's your wife's work routine, and what do you both manage regarding the household? Can you also restate the ages of your children for context?

I agree with @farsidejunky that you are not being respected. What I cannot ascertain from the data given is if that is because she doesn't respect you, she doesn't desire you, if you're simply not present enough for her to give respect or desire to, or if she's simply overwhelmed.

I'm also worried that you cannot be objective or totally rational on 3 hours of sleep a night. I certainly could not be. At any rate, everything else aside, your life needs some foundational changes to merely be something you can survive living.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Why do so many people keep saying he only gets 3 hours of sleep. He said he gets up at 3am for one job and the second job ends at 9pm. That's 5 or 6 hours of sleep. Still not nearly enough sleep going 5 or 6 consecutive days, but it's not 3 hours.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I'm sorry, Pastasauce, but that's not true. I meant to address it to him also because he said something similar. But I think you are looking forward, probably with great anticipation for that time your kids are older. Until then though, you won't know what it's like. It really doesn't matter how many kids need her constant attention. A home needs to be run around the clock. And a SAHM mom never gets to stop feeling like or being acutely aware that she is a SAHM.


I was a full time SAHM of two kids for 7 years. I started working part time 3 years ago. I understand how hard and isolating can be staying at home 24/7. 

I'm still doing most of the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids and driving to extra curricular activities for them. If anything, sometimes I feel I have a full time job and a part time job. Am I mean to my husband because of what I do to keep my household running? I hope not. I do tell my kids and husband when it gets too much for me. I hug them and kiss them because affection is important to me and my husband. I feel the OP is just asking for a little affection and gratitude from his wife.

This summer I told my kids they were old enough to fix their own breakfast. They do chores and have to help at home somehow. My goal is to teach them to be independent. 

Having 5 kids is not easy. But I do believe that both spouses have to appreciate each other and the sacrifices that are making to support the family.

Finding a balance is not easy but it's possible if both spouses have the same goal. I hope the OP finds a solution to his problems.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

From what I read, he normally works 40 hours at one job and 20-30 at the other; 60-70 hours per week total, but this week he is filling in for a guy on vacation, so he’s working 80 hours total this week.

I agree that he is extremely tired, which is likely playing a large part in how he’s currently feeling, which is why I said he should get some sleep and then deal with his wife after that. In his current state, I don’t think he’s operating at full efficiency and could be overly emotional. Due to this, I think asking him anything about his wife and how things are normally is not going to do any good until he’s somewhat rested.

There is a lot going on here, but I think they are both generally (not only this week) overwhelmed. Plus there are some other issues I noticed that are surely making matters worse.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm not sure why so many are saying mom is never free of the kids or never gets a break. If he's working long days and handling the kids on off days, it looks more like he's the one never getting a break. 

I may have skipped a few posts, but has anyone addressed the point that these two never get any together time without the kids? That's probably the core issue right there with regard to keeping the relationship vibrant. They're both so busy and frazzled trying to keep a roof over everyone's heads, they never get to simply connect and enjoy each other. They gotta' find a way to make that happen, first and foremost. 

OP,
You say the older kids are self-sustaining, which I take to mean they can generally mind themselves, which is great. But do they help sustain the household? Do they have chores where they contribute not only to taking care of themselves, but also taking care of they house? Are they old enough to start watching the one year old long enough for you and the Mrs. to get a nice, quiet lunch together, or just go for a walk in the park? 

You need to take care of the house, and you need to nurture the kids, but nurturing each other and nurturing your marriage come first. If you two fall apart, you are of no use to the kids and the house just won't matter. 

Time to reprioritize. 



condemnedhawk said:


> I see where you are coming from. She takes on my one kid, *I handle her 3 on my off days. *I can see how she is getting the short end.* I ensure she gets to go out with her girl friends for a break, I watch the kids over night. *Yeah. I see how I am the one who is the bad guy here. I am sorry she does what she does, but she kinda signed up for her aspect as well. She didn't need to be a daycare provider. That was her choice. She could've gotten a normal job and kids sent to daycare. Plus the kids aren't in the house 24/7. They have school and such. I would put it more at she deals with them from 4pm till 8pm. So 4/7 perhaps. I handle the other times.
> 
> 
> I honestly find it disheartening that the woman is automatically the poor her aspect.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> @personofinterest, is calling the OP names really going to help him?


 I would say that he needs to think about the way he is describing his wife on here. If I were his wife and I read the things he was saying about me, I would conclude that he does not like me at all. And I know for me, I don't feel especially motivated to bend over backwards for someone who does not like me at all. I think his frustration is valid. He is obviously exhausted. But the way he is talking about his wife makes me think there are lots of other things going on besides the fact that he doesn't get enough sleep and she wants him to change a diaper.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thank you RMY, I was just thinking the same thing. 

I had a longer post, but this thread triggered me a bit.
I’m going to back out before I say something ignorant. OP, all I’ll say is respect yourself and how you are currently feeling. You are not wrong.


Also, it seems others are triggering as well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

condemnedhawk said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> > The minute you put the word "but" in a sentence, you completely negate all the words before it, and that's exactly what you did in this sentence.
> ...




Well said....


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Surprising that nobody has mentioned that it's not so much the specifics here that matter; these two aren't on the same wavelength with each other. I would start with the 5 Love Languages and go from there. They are definitely respecting each other (although admittedly we're hearing just his side of the story) and each needs to better understand the needs of the other. How to talk, what they value, etc. Just go through the book and explore how each thinks. It might be very surprising.

Or it might not be surprising at all; it might just demonstrate the obvious. But some people need to be hit over the head with a hammer to understand and then act upon the obvious. 

I'm really appalled at the way people here have taken sides instead of suggesting something a bit less strewn with accusation and judgment. We don't have her side, which on the one hand isn't fair, but also isn't a reason to create a version of her that makes him the monster.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

condemnedhawk said:


> for me, happiness is my family. I mean, I play games and such, which I enjoy, but I can do that at my normal job (Long story) so I have a computer I take there. At home, I like seeing them smile. Just having a good time. I honestly do not have much of a niche that makes me overly happy. Hugs from the kids and the wife. Telling me to have a good day, waking up and texting me, those kind of things.


Your family being happy makes you happy. I get that. It's nice to be with the people you love.

If your wife isn't feeling happy though, your happiness just pisses off out the window. So she's not just responsible for staying happy herself, she's responsible for your happiness. I'm guessing she is very aware of this and might be starting to resent it. When she needed to go be with her friends, she went. When you needed to go be with your friends, you let money issues stand in your way.

I've also noticed that you are concerned about paying the bills so you took on more work. You feel that you are doing this for your family and that this is unappreciated by your wife. You also mentioned that your wife works as a daycare provider. I assume this not only saves the family on daycare costs, but brings in additional money, unless she's working for free. Your feelings about this seem to be "she made the choice to be a daycare provider". You don't appear to appreciate her working or looking after the kids at all. Do you see the discrepancy here?

It seems like you have made some statements about showing her appreciation, but when we dig a little deeper, you don't actually feel that way. Do you think maybe she is sensing that?

You mention that you looking after the kids overnight should be appreciated. Do you appreciate when she does it?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I think you are trying to do your best. You are finding life really tough right now. You are feeling unappreciated and unloved. I honestly think your wife is going through the same thing. 

To get through this tough period (you really are not alone and many couples are dealing with these same issues), you both need to sit down, have a real heart to heart without blame or bitterness, and agree to prioritise your marriage for the sake of yourselves and your family.

There are some great books out there for people wanting things to get better in their relationships. One you could try is 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

StarFires said:


> I compare you to a lot of women. We women fall into a terrible habit of expecting our man to be able to read our minds. We formulate in our heads the image of a perfect husband, one who loves us no matter what; one who does and says everything just right because he knows what we like; one who appreciates our specialness because he thinks we're special, and so on.
> 
> And that's what you are doing. You're faulting your wife for not recognizing all your wonderfulness because, in your head, you are wonderful and your image of the perfect wife would appreciate that.
> 
> ...


I think this is pretty dead on. No need to debate if mom’s have a hard job or not. It sounds like you both work hard and care deeply for your combined family. Google “Five Love Languages”. If your top two love languages are different than your wife’s she may be showing you she appreciates you in ways that don’t register with you at all. And vice versa. You need to talk with her and spell it out. 

My top is words of affirmation. I work beyond hard, bring home the majority of our income and juggle the chaos that is our life with four kids in a blended family. Frankly I amaze myself at how how wonderful I am at all this 🙂 I crave to be told it though. My husband lives and breathes by the Patriots motto “Do Your Job”. In his mind I should be amazing at all of that because it is my job to get done and do well - no ego cookie for me for doing the expected. And yet I always praised him for the expected “thanks for getting the yard work done, I know it was hot as balls out today but it looks great”, “thanks for grilling dinner, it was delicious (no mention that I purchased and marinated said dinner), “thanks for playing catch with step-son, I know it made him feel good”. I really resented him for that. Here I am working what feels like way more than him, giving praise but getting nothing back. 

Meanwhile he is feeling unappreciated because his top love language is physical touch. We have a good sex life and outside of sex I thought I was touching him - hugs, kisses, hand holding, ass pats - all the time. And yet he would complain that I “never touch him”. His idea of “enough” touch and mine were vastly different because it wasn’t a core need of mine. Just like thanking me didn’t occur to him because he doesn’t need that. It took multiple specific conversations for us to move the needle and see how we may not be speaking the same languages. And we still have to call each other out from time to time and we make it specific. If he comes home grumpy and points out the one thing I didn’t get done out of 100, I ask him to walk outside and start over like a husband who appreciates his wife’s hard work. I tend to get lost on my phone and justify it by needing down time. He will point out that I can’t hold his hand and crush candy at the same time. (Casual Observer already mention 5LL but I spent way too long writing this to delete it!)

You pointed out several times things like selling your PS4 to buy her a camera or “finding the money” for her to go out with her girlfriends. You can’t be behind in bills and find money for frivolous things. I think your wife is more practical while you like grand romantic gestures that may not make the most fiscal sense. And then you get upset when it isn’t taken with the spirit of love and sacrifice you intended. I am like you btw.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

condemnedhawk said:


> I watch the kids over night.


This sentence jumped out at me...

On her girl's night out....

Does she leave the house, say at 6PM, or so, and then return sometime the next morning? 

Please clarify.

:surprise: :| :frown2:


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Bluesclues said:


> You pointed out several times things like selling your PS4 to buy her a camera or “finding the money” for her to go out with her girlfriends. You can’t be behind in bills and find money for frivolous things. I think your wife is more practical while you like grand romantic gestures that may not make the most fiscal sense. And then you get upset when it isn’t taken with the spirit of love and sacrifice you intended. I am like you btw.


If she was more practical she would not waste money on GNO's, especially after telling him they didn't have the money for something that didn't benefit her.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> First, from a retired Soldier, thank you for your service.
> 
> Second, she doesn't respect you.
> 
> Why do you suppose that is?


Who would respect such a doormat?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

manwithnoname said:


> If she was more practical she would not waste money on GNO's, especially after telling him they didn't have the money for something that didn't benefit her.


 Funny, how many people make fun of guys tied to their gaming systems. Yet, this guy does the opposite, to benefit his wife and he still gets dinged.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@condemnedhawk
You are screwed here and at home. If you work 24 hours a day you aren't doing enough at home. If you work 40 hours a week you aren't doing enough to support your family. All the folks whining about your poor wife seemed to gloss over the parts where she is going to concerts and Girls nights out on your dime. I don't know what advice to give you, but as @SunCMars seems to be alluding to her attitude aligns with someone who has found someone else. Let's hope not. You'd think she wouldn't have the time but it'd be pretty ironic (and ****ty) if she was having an affair. What would the "poor wife" apologists have to say then? Seen it before many times. It's also possible you just married a ***** in larval stage and she has just come out of her cocoon.

Actually, I do have some advice. 
Maybe your wife can get an 80 hr a week job and you can stay home with the kids. You'd probably still be screwed because SAHD's seem to be disrespected by the high earner pretty regularly. So I'd say a better option might be for her to get an easy 40hr a week job (since your 80 hr a week job isn't a big deal, 40 should be a piece of cake) and pay for daycare.

Oh yeah,
Check your phone bill. (I'll be right here waiting for the twisted/bunched panties too explode over that one)


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> At this point in the thread, I have to say that, unless this guy is just clueless and lying to us about everything, I think you are out of line.
> 
> She had 3 kids of her own that are not his. He has one and they BOTH have one together. So 3 5th of the child rearing in her deal from the get go.
> 
> ...


Sorry for late reply. No I am not clueless, or lying. She runs a daycare, but most of the time its just like 3 little ones. Now consider the other kids, mine included minus the baby, are in school from 745 till 415 when they get home. Then the daycare kids leave around 6. So for only 2 hours (Roughly) she has a couple extra kids (All school aged and self sustaining). I really hate to even fathom the idea of venting here, but I figured people may be going through the same similar issues I am


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> Then why do you allow it?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Not sure I have a whole lot of choice here ya know. I mean I do love her, that much is evident. However, I kinda just want some appreciation. The best part. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, how appreciated she is. I do not get that in return. I kinda feel like I am just going through the motions at this point.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @condemnedhawk
> You are screwed here and at home. If you work 24 hours a day you aren't doing enough at home. If you work 40 hours a week you aren't doing enough to support your family. All the folks whining about your poor wife seemed to gloss over the parts where she is going to concerts and Girls nights out on your dime. I don't know what advice to give you, but as @SunCMars seems to be alluding to her attitude aligns with someone who has found someone else. Let's hope not. You'd think she wouldn't have the time but it'd be pretty ironic (and ****ty) if she was having an affair. What would the "poor wife" apologists have to say then? Seen it before many times. It's also possible you just married a ***** in larval stage and she has just come out of her cocoon.
> 
> Actually, I do have some advice.
> ...


LOL the irony would be very self evident in that aspect wouldn't it? I mean, it would make things so much easier for me in the end. I wouldn't have to question what is going on anymore, it would be right in front of me. In this instance, I hope that isn't the case, but if it is, I would be relieved. At least I would know it wasn't me anymore, well I guess maybe. I am not 100 percent understanding the situation at hand, but I assure you. If she was, the kids would let me know. They do not hide anything from me and always take my side on everything so if she had someone coming over, or whatever, they would know. If she is doing it when she goes out, then &*%$ it, he can have her.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> This sentence jumped out at me...
> 
> On her girl's night out....
> 
> ...


The most recent time she went out, I was at work until 11:30 PM. My buddies were with the kids. When I got home, I took over and watched them (They were still awake). The baby was fussy, ect….. She didn't return until 1:00 AM and wanted to go to the local bar with the girls as well. I stopped that (I am a police officer part time) because they were very drunk at this time. There was no need to walk down the street drunk. They continued to drink all night down stairs, while I did everything up stairs. Now understand this, I am not complaining on this aspect. I would never dream of complaining on watching children I BROUGHT into this world ya know. I am however, complaining that I did these things for her (several times) and still am nagged at.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Hey everyone, 

My part time job is Law Enforcement. I am sorry I am taking so long to reply. I am trying to reply to most of you. I understand there will be people who have their opinions on the matter. I am, in no way, claiming to be a saint or poor me boo hoo. I am looking for advice and understanding on the situation. Could I do more? I guess, I mean I could clean more when I get home or something. She is not a terrible person, I am just confused. I just want understanding and appreciation in the form of words perhaps? Possibly tell me once a year that she appreciates me? I guess that is too much to ask in some context, maybe it isn't, but here we are. 

In reference to the camera. Yes, we aren't that set for money (Part time Law Enforcement, not a millionaire lol), but it makes her happy. So I do it. I give up my PlayStation (I love call of duty btw) for her to be happy. Yet, alas, she hasn't even used the camera yet. Says she is too busy to take photos. Kinda miss my PlayStation now. Oh well, what's done is done. 

I will be better at replies from hence forth. I am sorry If I miss a question or something. I will be diligently watching this today, but when I get off at 3:00PM I have to go patrol until 9:00 PM, so I may be sparce at replies.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One thing you can do is analyze your finances. Find out what money is coming in and how much is going out and on what. Your wife has to be bringing in income unless she is babysitting for free. Then decide what can be cut out so that you don't have to work a part-time job.

There is no reason for your wife to be the only one who gets to enjoy life while you slave away. Have you considered how much she is spending getting drunk on her GNOs? Does she have a drinking problem?

If she gets a GNO then you get equal time for a hobby or interest. Make it fair.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

condemnedhawk said:


> The most recent time she went out, I was at work until 11:30 PM. My buddies were with the kids. When I got home, I took over and watched them (They were still awake). The baby was fussy, ect….. She didn't return until 1:00 AM and wanted to go to the local bar with the girls as well. I stopped that (I am a police officer part time) because they were very drunk at this time. There was no need to walk down the street drunk. They continued to drink all night down stairs, while I did everything up stairs. Now understand this, I am not complaining on this aspect. I would never dream of complaining on watching children I BROUGHT into this world ya know. I am however, complaining that I did these things for her (several times) and still am nagged at.


Thanks for clarifying.. :smcowboy:

Any idea what they (actually) do when out on nights like this?

Are all of them married?

Can you put a tail on them, some acquaintance, and watch them in action, someone who they don't know?

I would put a voice activated recorder in places where she and others sit. Best Buy sells the miniature variety.

Or, where she normally talks on the phone. 

Her friends may be toxic to your marriage.

You need to know where she stands........and why.

KB-


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I also see something different, she is selfish and feels entitled, and could be infatuated with another (as someone else mentioned). 

I know of situation similar to yours, she left and also left behind her own children to be with another man. She knew that her children would be cared for by her current husband.

I visit him yet to this day, and because of his personality. She is gone and (living her new life happy and carefree), Because she told her husband ( boyscout type) she never ever had a chance to live any type of life. 

And knew he would not abandoned any of the children, because of his personality. I just think you should be Keen on her demands and her lack of empathy for you and your duties as a father and a man.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> One thing you can do is analyze your finances. Find out what money is coming in and how much is going out and on what. Your wife has to be bringing in income unless she is babysitting for free. Then decide what can be cut out so that you don't have to work a part-time job.
> 
> There is no reason for your wife to be the only one who gets to enjoy life while you slave away. Have you considered how much she is spending getting drunk on her GNOs? Does she have a drinking problem?
> 
> If she gets a GNO then you get equal time for a hobby or interest. Make it fair.


Well that would make sense wouldn't it. The issue is this. She doesn't seem to consider it that way ever. For instance. Since our babies birth, she has slept with us. Oh well, that isn't an issue. My wife breast fed her, therefore, it was easier to just keep her in bed. I was ok with it. However, our baby has developed a major addiction to my wife now. So, at night, she will not lay with me. If I take her, she screams. I try to get her to sleep. I try rocking her, walking, ect.. nothing. Well eventually my wife just takes her back and says it isn't fair and that I need to do something and actually help her with the baby. Im like what the *#$??? I have been trying!!!

Now convert that into the GNO's. Or whatever she does. I ensure she gets that good time comings. Then, I want to play a game for a bit, she gets mad. I am not with the family, I am just playing games, not helping with the baby ect… I feel like I am just being use ya know?


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Thanks for clarifying.. :smcowboy:
> 
> Any idea what they (actually) do when out on nights like this?
> 
> ...


IF her friends are toxic to the marriage or whatever, and she listens, then bye. I am a grown man and do not have time for those kinds of games. My buddies weren't to thrilled about here, but best believe I squashed that quickly. They didn't marry her. I did, so their opinions are considered, but not taken heavily.


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## condemnedhawk (Aug 13, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I also see something different, she is selfish and feels entitled, and could be infatuated with another (as someone else mentioned).
> 
> I know of situation similar to yours, she left and also left behind her own children to be with another man. She knew that her children would be cared for by her current husband.
> 
> ...


If that is what it is, and she isn't living a life she wanted, then I hope she gets what she wants. I hope she decides to leave one day and persue her aspirations. I will take care of the children and enjoy my life just like I am now. I do not need bars, parties, or the ol college life anymore. I need my children and their smiles. I made the choice to have them therefore, I am now making the chice to be the one for them. IF she is sad about this and doesn't like it, or is depressed, then I am sorry, but you make the bed you lay in and that is that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How old is the baby? Is your wife still breastfeeding?

When a baby wakes up at night, it wakes up to be fed. Do you feed the baby when she wakes up? If your wife is breastfeeding, it is normal for her to feed the baby when she wakes up. You walking around with her and trying to comfort her isn't going to work. But if she's bottle fed, then you can feed her the bottle and it should help. 

I breastfed my three children, each of them for well over a year. My husband didn't feed them bottles, because I was breastfeeding.

A large percentage of breastfed babies co-sleep with parents, but that doesn't mean they need to be in bed all night with their parents. I would nurse my babies to sleep, then lay them in a crib. At the night feeding, I would bring them into bed and go back to sleep.

I found with one of my children that I couldn't get him out of our bed. He couldn't self soothe. Self soothing is an important skill to teach babies. Sometimes it requires allowing them to "cry it out." I didn't believe in that when my children were babies and I suffered the consequences, as my child could not sleep on his own until he was way past an age when he ought to have been able to. I've seen this with other families as well. It's not fun to allow a baby to cry, but sometimes it will save from more trouble down the road.

However, it should be noted that babies have tiny tummies and breast milk is easily digested, so they need to be fed more frequently than formula fed babies.

All this to say that if your baby is still breastfeeding and she wakes up, she doesn't need you, she needs to be nursed.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

condemnedhawk said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > I also see something different, she is selfish and feels entitled, and could be infatuated with another (as someone else mentioned).
> ...



I know,l just wanted you to know that.
It's not terrible and you can do it if you choose, l believe that you are strong enough in the end.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You've mentioned your wife works from sometime in the morning, I'm guessing before 8am (based on what I saw of a friend with that job) to 6pm. I would hazard a guess that it's Mon to Fri? 

It doesn't sound like you consider it work because it's caring for children? Is that correct?

So while doing this work she also does the school runs and looks after your (and hers obviously) children. This doesn't seem to be valued either based on your responses as you consider it easy as the kids just all apparently look after themselves? 

You've also mentioned, from what I can gather, 3 instances where she went out with friends (this could've been within the last month or the last 5 years, could you clarify that?). A concert, a party, and a GNO? From what you've said, you seem to be saying to her you were okay with this, but because you don't have equal time with your friends or on your games, you seem bitter about it.

It also sounds like you don't organise to hang out with friends, but you are the one controlling the finances?

You chose to sell your playstation and this is obviously weighing on your mind, and you are unhappy with that decision, but it seems like you consider it her fault because you used the money to buy a camera for her.

I'm just pointing out that there seems to be a lot of stuff you are saying to her that is not a true reflection of what's happening beneath the surface.

Edited to add: I'm a bit confused about the perceptions towards her job. It seems that some people don't even consider it a job? Maybe it's different in the US to Australia. I used to live with a family daycare provider and she worked every week day and earned a wage and everyone who knew her considered her to have a full-time job. To me the idea that she should quit her job, to get another job so that the kids must be in daycare seems like you're just saying you object to the fact that the kids aren't in daycare? Is not having your own kids in daycare a big no no in the US?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @condemnedhawk
> You are screwed here and at home. If you work 24 hours a day you aren't doing enough at home. If you work 40 hours a week you aren't doing enough to support your family. All the folks whining about your poor wife seemed to gloss over the parts where she is going to concerts and Girls nights out on your dime. I don't know what advice to give you, but as @SunCMars seems to be alluding to her attitude aligns with someone who has found someone else. Let's hope not. You'd think she wouldn't have the time but it'd be pretty ironic (and ****ty) if she was having an affair. What would the "poor wife" apologists have to say then? Seen it before many times. It's also possible you just married a ***** in larval stage and she has just come out of her cocoon.
> 
> Actually, I do have some advice.
> ...


I think you missed the part where it was stated she does have a job.

I haven't noticed anyone here say he should do more work...?? 

As for her going out on "his" dime, when they are both working... I just have to wonder if you were in a relationship and working, where your partner worked more hours, and you were the primary carer of the children, if you felt like going out with your friends occasionally was not acceptable and you weren't entitled to consider any of the money as yours?

The rest seems a bit dramatic don't you think?


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

condemnedhawk said:


> If that is what it is, and she isn't living a life she wanted, then I hope she gets what she wants. I hope she decides to leave one day and persue her aspirations. I will take care of the children and enjoy my life just like I am now. I do not need bars, parties, or the ol college life anymore. I need my children and their smiles. I made the choice to have them therefore, I am now making the chice to be the one for them. IF she is sad about this and doesn't like it, or is depressed, then I am sorry, but you make the bed you lay in and that is that.




It doesn't seem like she's said any of this. Where is this coming from. Your opening post you stated that you were ready to put divorce papers on the table to wake her up. So you were the one thinking of leaving, not her, is that correct?

I know not being given appreciation sucks. But if you ever ask for it, it looks a little whiny and needy, and likely to squash any desire she had to give it in the first place. She might think you both are doing what you need to do to keep the family afloat. She's taking care of the home and kids, and you're providing. As a woman I personally think a man is very attractive when he does what he needs to do without needing any thanks. And when he does, I give him tons of thanks.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

AliceA said:


> I haven't noticed anyone here say he should do more work...??


Simply put, this is why......



condemnedhawk said:


> Normally yes, a 3 am to noon. The long hours, are for a week, the part time job will slow down after the other guy gets back from vacation. I will work like 20-30 hours a week at the part time job sun though sun. However, while he is gone, I am working till 9pm every night from 3 am in the morning.



I am not telling anyone man, woman or child who will be at a primary job for 90 hours, who picks up another job pushing family away time up to 110-120 hours, who gets up at 3am, to get a third job. 

That’s why I am not telling him to do more work.



The rest of your response is a direct quote of Rubix, I won’t speak for another poster.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like the hours the OP works haven't been stated well enough to understand. He states he gets up at 3am and off the 1st job at noon and he also stated he would be getting off the 1st job at 3:00pm. Let's assume he gets up at 3am and gets off at noon. Then he goes home, changes and heads out 'til 9:00pm. That isn't a 21 hr work day. And, it is only for 1 week then his part-time job reduces to 20-30 hrs/week. So he's looking at a normal work week of say 65-70 hrs. 

Still deplorable but not as bad as some are making it out to be.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Bottom line? This man clearly despises his wife. And she likely knows it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

That 21 hour thing is my fault, somehow I got that it was midnight when he got home. Reading comprehension fail. So since he only worked an 18 hour day, obviously he's lazy scum for thinking his wife might take care of the crying baby. Clearly being a stay at home mom with a home daycare is much more taxing than the two jobs that he's working, as evidenced by the fact that she was laying in bed reading a book when he got home from his second job. And where was she when he started his work day? In bed, maybe? But she's got it so hard and he's the dirt bag. Got it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like the hours the OP works haven't been stated well enough to understand. He states he gets up at 3am and off the 1st job at noon and he also stated he would be getting off the 1st job at 3:00pm. Let's assume he gets up at 3am and gets off at noon. Then he goes home, changes and heads out 'til 9:00pm. That isn't a 21 hr work day. And, it is only for 1 week then his part-time job reduces to 20-30 hrs/week. So he's looking at a normal work week of say 65-70 hrs.
> 
> Still deplorable but not as bad as some are making it out to be.


i never said week. I assumed people would understand. I forget some get paid weekly. I’m talking pay period, my bad for a lack of clarity.

I am going to assume He works a 40 hour job and will be adding another 20 -30. I live close enough to my job where the nine hours he stated would include travel time.

He is out of the house anywhere from 60 to 70 hours, per week, which is anywhere from 120 to 140 hours over two weeks. I am not going to bring up more work when someone just picks up another job.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

We need more data.

Everything being presented is explainable from multiple root causes.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Both husband and wife seem to have some attitude issues, but that can be resolved. Someone has to go first and it's the person who is asking for help. I really think breaking up this family would create an even worse situation. Something needs to be done to bring understanding and healing, especially for the children involved.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

condemnedhawk said:


> Well that would make sense wouldn't it. The issue is this. She doesn't seem to consider it that way ever. For instance. Since our babies birth, she has slept with us. Oh well, that isn't an issue. My wife breast fed her, therefore, it was easier to just keep her in bed. I was ok with it. However, our baby has developed a major addiction to my wife now. So, at night, she will not lay with me. If I take her, she screams. I try to get her to sleep. I try rocking her, walking, ect.. nothing. Well eventually my wife just takes her back and says it isn't fair and that I need to do something and actually help her with the baby. Im like what the *#$??? I have been trying!!! First STOP letting your wife take her.
> She will stop crying eventually. You need to break this NOW -- she should be sleeping in her own crib (she is 1, yes)? If you let your wife grab her, you are rewarding her crying. Your WIFE is actually enabling this behavior by grabbing her from you.


1. Has she always been non-affectionate with you? If not, WHEN did this type of behavior start?
2. Was there any big event you can think of which may have triggered this (relative dying, you had a major fight, etc.)?
3. What happens when you ASK HER DIRECTLY -- no passive/agressive, no BS. When she nags you, ask her exactly what the problem is? List out what you've done/doing, then ask her what is the problem she has with you?
3a. DO you think she still respects you?
4. How is the intimacy between the two of you? As often, as passionate, etc. as it used to be? If not, when did THAT start?
5. For debt, tell her NO frivolous stuff until you get your debt retired. There is a guy named Dave Ramsey that can show you how to get rid of your debt (lots of books, tn/radio show, etc.). Working like this and not being around can kill a relationship.
6. Is she always on her phone (talking or playing,etc.)? If so, do you have access? Can you see all of her facebook stuff/message/emails, etc.? I am NOT suggesting that she is cheating, but she may be communicating with someone and telling them what is bugging her.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> That 21 hour thing is my fault, somehow I got that it was midnight when he got home. Reading comprehension fail. So since he only worked an 18 hour day, obviously he's lazy scum for thinking his wife might take care of the crying baby. Clearly being a stay at home mom with a home daycare is much more taxing than the two jobs that he's working, as evidenced by the fact that she was laying in bed reading a book when he got home from his second job. And where was she when he started his work day? In bed, maybe? But she's got it so hard and he's the dirt bag. Got it.


This seems like a lot of assumptions and getting offended at things that were never said.

I think you should step away from the keyboard and take a deep breath.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

condemnedhawk said:


> Well that would make sense wouldn't it. The issue is this. She doesn't seem to consider it that way ever. For instance. Since our babies birth, she has slept with us. Oh well, that isn't an issue. My wife breast fed her, therefore, it was easier to just keep her in bed. I was ok with it. However, our baby has developed a major addiction to my wife now. So, at night, she will not lay with me. If I take her, she screams. I try to get her to sleep. I try rocking her, walking, ect.. nothing. Well eventually my wife just takes her back and says it isn't fair and that I need to do something and actually help her with the baby. Im like what the *#$??? I have been trying!!!
> 
> Now convert that into the GNO's. Or whatever she does. I ensure she gets that good time comings. Then, I want to play a game for a bit, she gets mad. I am not with the family, I am just playing games, not helping with the baby ect… I feel like I am just being use ya know?


as a practical matter, get the kid out of your bed, or your marriage is over. It will end, maybe that is what you want. 

Having a kid in bed at this stage WILL KILL any marriage. 

Honestly, I think your wife is using the kid as a **** blocker as much as she can. 

But what it does is prevent the marriage from being the priority, not sex but actual intimacy. 

This is a way bigger problem that you realize. 

I just see a lot of laziness from her in general, toward the marriage.

Would not surprise me is she is having some type of affair, at some level. It sounds like she is in some ways... 

Who knows...


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## Elniño (Aug 18, 2019)

I only skimmed responses but idk that I saw anything about anyone sitting down and expressing what they need to feel loved 
Took me a few years into my marriage to realize we feel appreciated and loved in different ways and it took us time to learn that. 
Is that a one time moment or a norm


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