# Advice please



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Hi, I’m new to this place. I’m feeling very lost and alone and I could do with some advice please.

I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for 2. We are very compatible but with this is passion and fire-in both the negative and positive sense. We are fiery and we argue and bicker a lot. But over the past year, I have come to realise he is emotionally abusive. He can be disrespectful to me and makes huge things out of little problems which results on me walking on eggshells often.

He has his own business and over the years, I have helped with this and it is now very successful. I have supported him in every way. He is a very unusual and flamboyant character and he is difficult for others to understand. But I have tried to help him with this as he cannot express himself sometimes. He understands how much I’ve helped him and he is very grateful for this.

I guess I’ve been blinded by love but over the past year, I have began to realise that his behaviour is not acceptable. He screams at me about his frustrations (these are often nothing to do with me) so I began secretly recording these moments to watch back myself to see these huge red flags. I recognise his frustrations as his business has suffered from Covid however it is not my fault. Alongside this, he has had a bit of a problem with drugs. This has greatly improved and he has received help for this but as with any addiction, there has been lies around it too which breaks my trust more.

It is so confusing as he is Jekyll and Hyde. When he’s on form he’s amazing, charming and wonderful but he can be foul and at these times I hate him.

Recently after another lie surrounding drugs, I walked out. After a long time of recognising his behaviour is crossing the line and after yet another row where I’m told I’m crazy, I grabbed some clothes and walked. I went to my parents and stayed with them.

This is where coronavirus plays it’s ugly part. For those from other countries, I live in England and we’re currently in lockdown.

After 3 days at my parents I receive a frantic phone call from him. He had a routine corona test at work and had tested positive. He loves and cares about my parents as much as his own. I barricaded myself in a room. My parents have health issues and are highly vulnerable. After thinking about it, I decided to go back home to minimise their risk. I had a test and was positive too. We all went into isolation.

When I first returned home, we didn’t really speak about anything as we were both feeling unwell. I’ve been staying in the guest room. Now we have both recovered and I feel stuck. I darent go back to my parents because somehow, amazingly, they didn’t catch Covid from me and I don’t want to tempt fate again by going back. So I’ve decided to stay home.

In the recent days, me and my husband have been getting on ok, living alongside each other. We’ve spoken and he recognises his mistakes. But we have spoken about these things before and he changes for a while but then goes back to his old ways.

I know the right thing to do is to leave him and divorce. But during this lockdown, I can’t-I have to be here and I have nowhere else to go. We’re living together fine but the kindness he’s showing is now making me question my decision. The strength I built up to leave has been buried and I don’t know if I’ll find that strength again.

I don’t really have many friends. I’m an only child. I have no one to speak to. I’m terrified of divorce as I’m scared of being alone. And with lockdown, it makes it all the more harder to meet friends.

I’m scared, I’m alone and I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck in limbo.I would really appreciate advice. Thank you.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Two initial questions:
- any children?
- has his anger ever become physical, eg punching a door or throwing something across the room?


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Luckily no children. I’m 32 and he’s 43 so a large age gap. I do want children someday though. 

Yes his anger has been physical-smashing things etc. But in truth I have gotten so angry that I have slammed doors, thrown things too. But usually my reaction is after a whole day or hours of his tantrums. I know this isn’t an excuse but just trying to give you the picture.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

If you can afford it, I recommend you to seek some individual phone counselling for yourself with someone at RELATE. 

You need to think carefully where you would draw the line - how bad does it have to get before you would leave. (Don't need to answer that here, but think about it). Sounds like he has an addictive personality.


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you Laurentiem.

This is the problem-I keep changing my mind. I have been seeing a private counsellor but Im still battling with head over heart.


----------



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Kt64 said:


> Hi, I’m new to this place. I’m feeling very lost and alone and I could do with some advice please.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for 2. We are very compatible but with this is passion and fire-in both the negative and positive sense. We are fiery and we argue and bicker a lot. But over the past year, I have come to realise he is emotionally abusive. He can be disrespectful to me and makes huge things out of little problems which results on me walking on eggshells often.
> 
> ...


I’m so sorry to hear this. I, too, have similar issues with my husband. It’s a difficult decision, especially with Covid. However, if you or he continue to do and say the same things, nothing will change. Life is short & fragile. You are young. While leaving him may sound selfish and seem like a daunting task, it is ( in my opinion) your best option so you can deal with your own insecurities & codependent issues. Doing that will give you the best opportunity to seek a healthy relationship in the future. Addictive personality, drug addiction, is difficult or almost impossible to overcome. The addiction never is “cured” 
You definitely need a support group. There are agencies that can help (likely virtually). AA/Alanon, for example. If you opt to leave, you’ll need to be prepared. Have finances in order & an exit plan, including legal counsel. Your safety is paramount. Depending on his mood, if he has potential violent tendencies, I suggest leaving the area entirely. Separation & divorce is a very emotional event. People act out in ways you never imagined. If you choose to stay, your situation might improve if he is willing to go to counseling & seriously commit to you, your marriage, and your future. You, too, will need to learn how to cope as he will have good and bad days. Only you can make the choice of what to do. However, if he’s not a willing partner, the only way to better yourself is leaving him. From experience, people never change unless they want to change.
Good luck 🍀


----------



## Mrchiller (Aug 13, 2020)

Kt64 said:


> Hi, I’m new to this place. I’m feeling very lost and alone and I could do with some advice please.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for 2. We are very compatible but with this is passion and fire-in both the negative and positive sense. We are fiery and we argue and bicker a lot. But over the past year, I have come to realise he is emotionally abusive. He can be disrespectful to me and makes huge things out of little problems which results on me walking on eggshells often.
> 
> ...


So I feel for you. I’m 11 years older than my wife and recently found out she was having an affair for 2.5 years. This made her into a Jekyll and Hyde so first question:
1 are you sure he’s been faithful?
Now let’s move to the word resentment. Do you have an open communication with each other? My wife and I didn’t and if we did, I’m 100% sure our marriage would be solid. Poor or no communications leads to resentment, anger
2 I’m also uk based so have been dealing with this. I find an outlet helps. Like I picked up skipping and then press-ups. Do you have a hobby or an outlet?
3 I tried RELATE with my wife. It didn’t work for us but I think it’s worth a go if BOTH of you are committed to it (my wife was having an affair during the sessions)
This forum is really powerful. Some amazing people with great experiences. But every situation is unique to them. Take the advice here and apply it to your situation. 
hope this helps


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you for your replies.
Nightowl-I’m sorry you’re having similar issues. Mr chiller, I’m sorry to hear that your wife has been having an affair. If you don’t mind me asking you both, what are your next steps?

My husband has been receiving support for the addiction and he has got better with it-there has been improvement.

I have started looking at options-financial situation etc. It’s just so daunting.

to answer mrchiller, I am 99.9% sure he’s faithful. Without sounding big headed, I know I’m his world. And we are both very open with communication, but sometimes he doesn’t listen or understand.

we had been going to a marriage councillor which we are going to again on Monday. But I think I will try relate for me so thank you for that. And you’re right-I need to find an outlet to help.

Its just so scary and daunting. Is the grass greener? What if? All these questions with no answers apart from facing them yourself alone


----------



## Mrchiller (Aug 13, 2020)

Kt64 said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> Nightowl-I’m sorry you’re having similar issues. Mr chiller, I’m sorry to hear that your wife has been having an affair. If you don’t mind me asking you both, what are your next steps?
> 
> My husband has been receiving support for the addiction and he has got better with it-there has been improvement.
> ...


So I was 99.999999% sure my wife was not having an affair. She adored me. How wrong I was. And for 2.5 years without me suspecting. I even confronted her after posting here in summer when literally everyone said she was, and she denied it with such conviction. As for your question - I’m trying to see if the marriage can be salvaged as I still love her so much, not sure if she feels the same, she says she does. I posted for help on this forum today. So far everyone is saying get divorced as she isn’t worth it.


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Oh I’m so sorry to hear. Please keep us updated with how you get on. Sending positive vibes your way!


----------



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Kt64 said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> Nightowl-I’m sorry you’re having similar issues. Mr chiller, I’m sorry to hear that your wife has been having an affair. If you don’t mind me asking you both, what are your next steps?
> 
> My husband has been receiving support for the addiction and he has got better with it-there has been improvement.
> ...


My next steps: my husband is seeking help from his doctor. He’s trying. I’m willing to hang in there because he is a good person and I love him and he’s trying. I’m hopeful he can overcome his dependence on alcohol and seek other means to cope with life’s stressors.
The grass is never greener. There will always be challenges. However, if you’re both making an effort, the marriage is worth saving.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Your husband not only needs to see a counselor for his addictions, he also needs to see an anger management specialist. He should NOT be using YOU as a lightning rod for his anger. He needs to learn to control that. Tell him flat out that his anger is killing your love for him and it won't be very long before it's gone if he doesn't get it under control.


----------



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Mrchiller said:


> So I was 99.999999% sure my wife was not having an affair. She adored me. How wrong I was. And for 2.5 years without me suspecting. I even confronted her after posting here in summer when literally everyone said she was, and she denied it with such conviction. As for your question - I’m trying to see if the marriage can be salvaged as I still love her so much, not sure if she feels the same, she says she does. I posted for help on this forum today. So far everyone is saying get divorced as she isn’t worth it.


My first husband was a cheater. We went to counseling together and individually. Sadly, it only helped for a few years. At 48, I found myself dealing with his deception again and decided ENOUGH! I left him. I think your wife has decided for you that your marriage is over. You need to decide:
1) marriage in name only...in other words, an open marriage whereby you can do whatever you want but you’re still married 
2) marriage with counseling and your wife agrees to be completely transparent FOREVER. This is the hardest due to guilt on the part if the cheater and mistrust on the part of the cheated
3) divorce- start over. You have a moral conflict & cheaters seldom, if ever, are truly remorseful. There’s no resolution for value conflicts. If your wife had values, she wouldn’t have cheated. Hers wasn’t a clandestine romance or “mistake “. Hers was a relationship, steeped in deceit, an affair for 2+ years....how do you trust someone who can do that???


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you for all of your replies. Jlg07 I think you’ve hit the nail on the head-I’m his outlet for anger. I guess as I’ve allowed it, over time it’s become normal. 

Night owl you’ve raised some good points there which I’ll definitely think about.

And I’m so sorry to hear of those who have been cheated on. It must be so hard. 

I don’t know what to do. Also my age is a factor in this. I want a family at some point. I’m 32. If I divorce him I have time to heal, eventually find someone else and have a family. If I stay, then we have time to heal before thinking about a family. What I do not want to happen, and what I dread, is trying to work on things, getting 2/3 years down the line and then it all going to pot again. Then I’ll be older, with my biological clock ticking, and I’ll kick myself for not leaving sooner. Also I am
not prepared to bring a child into the relationship as it is as it is dysfunctional

I know it’s silly to worry about this, but I can’t help think of the future.

Theres also the fear that I leave and face similar problems in the future with someone new. I’ve ignored the red flags this far and I look for the best in people so I’m likely to ignore red flags in the future.
I know this is all unknown but writing it down helps.

Thank you for reading and listening to me. I’ll happily take more advice as I have found this helpful. Thank you


----------



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

I think you’re insightful and bright. It’s better to make a decision and not be complacent. Always living in anticipation of something better is no way to live or be fulfilled. Sometimes, making the seemingly hardest decisions are truly the best ones. Inevitably, whatever path you choose, it’s your path. Own it and you’ll feel better about it.


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you night owl. It’s just so hard to know what to do for the best and have no regrets. But I guess that’s life. I’m sure the path will become clearer in time. I’m just very scared of being lonely, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t a big deal, but it just terrifies me. When the coronavirus calms down, I’ll make an effort to meet people and make friends as best as I can. It’s just hard to do that as a 30 something!


----------



## Mrchiller (Aug 13, 2020)

Kt64 said:


> Thank you night owl. It’s just so hard to know what to do for the best and have no regrets. But I guess that’s life. I’m sure the path will become clearer in time. I’m just very scared of being lonely, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t a big deal, but it just terrifies me. When the coronavirus calms down, I’ll make an effort to meet people and make friends as best as I can. It’s just hard to do that as a 30 something!


I would personally throw the kitchen sink and try to make the marriage work. If it fails then you know you tried and you will have no regrets. But expect turbulence. Good luck.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Don’t make any final decisions right now. Separate yourself from him for him for a few weeks and maybe months and get your head clear and decide what you want to do. It’s hard to make life altering decisions when your head isn’t clear, and he is physically right there. 

The best thing to do is to separate for a period of time. It’s easy to “change” or appear to change in the short term, but months will show if anyone really changed or not.


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you. Unfortunately because of coronavirus, I can’t separate from him at the minute. I can’t stay with my parents because of the risk and their health and I have nowhere else I can go. If I could have a couple of weeks to myself, I probably would have a clearer mind but I can’t. It’s a bit poo. 
I guess time will tell...just this limbo period is horrible.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

COVID has messed with so many people's plans, but like everything else, it won't last forever. Do you think you would have left by now if it wasn't for the pandemic?

This is my take on what you've posted thus far: You are afraid of being alone. You are indulging in what-if? thinking. Let's look at it more realistically. There are billions of people on this planet. The chance of you ending up alone with no friends, no family, or nowhere to go are quite slim.

What you have right now is a husband who is an addict. Addicts lie. That just goes with the territory. He has anger issues. There's waaayyyyyy too much drama in the relationship, which isn't healthy at all. And you'd rather stay in this mess than be alone? What's so damn horrible about being alone? Like I said, it's not as if the world is going to melt away and abandon you forever. 

It's healthy to *want* people in your life. It's not healthy to *need* them in your life. Big difference. Something you should consider. And if I was in your position, I'd get out when the opportunity presents itself. Life is too short to settle for less than what will make you happy. JMO.


----------



## Kt64 (Jan 30, 2021)

Thank you prodigal. That’s really helped. I guess I do feel I need him as I guess after years of being with someone, it’s almost habit right?

I’m not sure if I would have left if the pandemic wasn’t happening. I don’t know if he would have been so angry at the world. Saying that, he’s always been angry, so I’m sure something would have made his temper rise somewhere.

I guess I need to do my research and figure my next move, financially and realistically. I still can’t got anywhere for a while because of Covid but I guess I can make plans and get things ready for when the moment is right. And I guess I don’t need to make any definite huge decisions right now.

I’m scared that the longer I’m living with him, he’ll charm me and I’ll stay. But to be honest we’re still bickering, even in the midst of me thinking about leaving. He’s not doing himself any favours.

I’m so scared of the future. If this had happened and Covid wasn’t a thing, I would have left that night I went to my parents and I doubt very much I’d have come back. Unfortunately circumstance has made that happen. But you’re right. I guess in a years time, whatever happens, it’ll be ok. And in two years time it may even be even better.

I feel I have a bit more clarity so thank you everyone. The one last thought/ question I have is-I understand a marriage has its ups and downs and that you have to work on it and nurture it constantly. Where’s the line where you work on it to giving up on it? Thank you all again


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kt64 said:


> Where’s the line where you work on it to giving up on it?


I've always operated by the old adage, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, I'll leave. I had to walk away from my marriage many years ago. To be perfectly honest, I didn't want to waste the time I had left on this planet dealing with my husband's crap. He had issues. They weren't mine to fix. I was sick and tired of being focused on his mess. So I left. Never regretted it. Not one single minute.

And that's how I roll. I own my life. I owe it to myself to be as happy as possible. And that, for me, didn't hinge on an unfulfilling, dead-end, go-nowhere marriage. Something for you to consider. Don't let your husband manipulate you into staying. You own your feelings; he doesn't. Listen to your own instincts. If you leave, I assure you that you will NOT regret it. Seriously.


----------

