# Sex Therapist recommendations?



## jtgoshaff (4 mo ago)

Does anyone have recommendations for a sex therapist? We have seen two therapists so far and neither have in my opinion done a good job of addressing our issues and helping us figure them out. It would be a bonus if they are near South Carolina or Georgia but telehealth would work as well.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Well, get one that specialises in sex therapy. Were the previous two members of a sex therapists professional body? Or just therapists?


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## jtgoshaff (4 mo ago)

The first was in process of getting their certification and the most recent is a certified sex counselor but does not seem to focus on it. We attended 4 sessions with the previous counselor and are at our 6th session with the current one. We have one more appointment scheduled with the current therapist and I am planning on attending and asking for it to be focused on sex therapy. The current counselor is very religious and I feel it causes him to be biased when discussing sex so I don't feel like he has helped much. Current therapist refers to his life a lot and the bible and I feel like after each session, we only find value in maybe 1 sentence he says. After the sessions, we continue to argue and when we try to be intimate it can quickly turn into an argument. We both have resentment and anger towards each other regarding sexual issues in our pasts and it seems to be a struggle to get over them so we can have an enjoyable sex life.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A few questions and thoughts.

Did you establish any written goals with either of the "sex therapists?" The last marriage counselor we worked with asked my wife and myself for separate lists of goals to be achieved (or problems to be fixed) during the sessions. That saved a lot of wasted time although when you hire an expert they should be allowed to probe and figure out what is really going on and if the problems are the root problems.

Remember most board certified sex therapists are first marriage counselors with additional training and experience in handling people's sexual problems. I would look for someone who has several years of marriage counseling and several years of counseling people with the kind of sexual problems you have. Are the sexual problems principally low libido vs. high libido; ones of past sexual trauma or inhibitions; problems based on anger between the spouses that gets fought out on the basis of sexual denial or sexual belittling; or are they problems of sexual embarrassment or fetishes? If your problem is that your spouse is bisexual or doesn't want monogamy, make sure that marriage counselor and sex therapist you are working with has training and experience in that area.

In selecting the Sex Therapist that helped save my marriage, she had years of national experience and written many papers and had newspaper columns and radio programs in helping people with sex problems. I looked over a list of three sex therapist recommended by a local sex therapist and in my mind there was only one after I read about their training and some of their articles. I think she has since retired.

Remember that your sex therapist is also a marriage counselor. Different marriage counselors have different styles and training. I had read enough about marriage counseling that I liked the Sue Johnson "Emotionally focused therapy approach" and the Gottmans' Method, which was borrowed from others and examined/tested in their Love Lab. There are lots of other approaches, but I wanted a sex therapist with some training in either or both of those approaches. 

Good luck to you. You know two sex therapists. Since you don't sound thrilled by either, ask them both for a list of say four other sex therapists/marriage counselors who *they would recommend for the problems you and your wife have*. Then interview them or read some of their past articles or papers, etc.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jtgoshaff said:


> After the sessions, we continue to argue and when we try to be intimate it can quickly turn into an argument. We *both have resentment and anger towards each other regarding sexual issues in our pasts* and it seems to be a struggle to get over them so we can have an enjoyable sex life.


A few questions. 

(1) Are you both truly committed to reconciling your marriage sexual issues in a reasonable period of time? If not what would you both like to do? What is that time frame? *(If you are unsure, ask your ST to help the two of you answer these questions quickly)*

(2) Are each of you willing to forgive the other? Would one of you forgiving the other (truly forgiving) first, help their spouse in forgiving? Have you tried affirmations or self hypnosis to forgive your partner? *(Has you ST/MC worked with you on forgiving your spouse and your spouse forgiving you? Should this be a stated goal of therapy?)*

(3) Have you tried to focus on the future as opposed to the past. Our ST helped us visualize what a good loving sexual relationship can be as opposed to arguing about the past. We discussed what a great marriage would look like in 5 years, 10 years and 15 years, and the kinds of things that we would do together. That really helped as we each moved from work into retirement.

(4) Have you worked with your ST on a "sexual reset?" Our ST provided us with lots of educational materials. Had us stop sex for awhile. Had us then do Sensate Focus exercises to reintroduce sensual touch. After that she helped us gradually move into mutually agreed upon sexual touch and sexual intercourse. Then through a Yes/No/Maybe list exercises had us discuss alternate sensual and sexual things we might add or at least talk about to better understand our partners sexual boundaries and desires. Concurrent with that, the ST gave us videos and things to read about different kinds of sexual acts and skills to help us reintroduce sex into our relationship. *(Again, if you can't emotionally deal with the past, deal with something the two of you can agree to.)*

(5) Finally, we learned about how to discuss sexual things between us and how when we are triggered or emotionally flooded, how to defuse the situation and come back to it so that we constructively can negotiate sexual grid lock issues (Gottman approach was great at this).

Those might be things you want to discuss with your current or any future sex therapist.

Again, Good luck.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

jtgoshaff said:


> The current counselor is very religious and I feel it causes him to be biased when discussing sex so I don't feel like he has helped much. Current therapist refers to his life a lot and the bible and I feel like after each session, we only find value in maybe 1 sentence he says.


That doesn't sound helpful. 



Young at Heart said:


> Had us then do Sensate Focus exercises to reintroduce sensual touch. After that she helped us gradually move into mutually agreed upon sexual touch and sexual intercourse.


Yes, that sounds like what a sex therapist would be doing.


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## jtgoshaff (4 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> A few questions.
> 
> (1) Are you both truly committed to reconciling your marriage sexual issues in a reasonable period of time? If not what would you both like to do? What is that time frame? *(If you are unsure, ask your ST to help the two of you answer these questions quickly)*
> 
> ...


Thank you for this helpful information. I am going to work on writing some questions down and goals and ask our current therapist for recommendations for other therapists at our next appointment. We are coming up on our ten year anniversary and I really want to be able to have a passionate, happy and fulfilling marriage for both of us.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

jtgoshaff said:


> The current counselor is very religious and I feel it causes him to be biased when discussing sex so I don't feel like he has helped much. Current therapist refers to his life a lot and the bible and I feel like after each session, we only find value in maybe 1 sentence he says.


A good therapist should not have tunnel vision. I experienced this with a male psychologist who seemed to be expecting me to be into male bonding and the masculine stereotype. I'm sure there are male mental health professionals who do not set expectations, but didn't care to spend the time looking. I went to a female counselor in hopes of finding a more neutral approach that did not seem to set expectations. Worked out much better.


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