# At what point do we decide that our lives would be better spent with other people?



## dontforgetyourname205 (Nov 3, 2015)

I’m a 28 years old and have been married now for three years to my wife Katie. My question is rooted in the evolution of our relationship.

When we initially met we were working at a ski resort. I had just broken up with my previous girlfriend when Katie asked me out on a date. I was reluctant, because I knew I should take some time off in between relationships, but I find it hard to say no. I knew from the start that we were very different people. I guess I trusted the “opposites attract” montra. 

Most of the time we spent dating we were in long distance situations where we would see each other for only brief periods of time. I was working in Seattle and she was about 2 hours away. I’m not sure when the switch from having fun to serious relationship was made, but after almost two years of dating I felt pressured from multiple angles to propose. Aside from the first two months we dated, we never lived in the same city until almost halfway through our engagement. 

Almost six years later it's become clear that we have few shared interests. I think the distance masked a lot of faults in our relationship. If we were dating in the same city for that amount of time and saw each other more frequently, I don’t think we would have gotten married, we would have seen the flaws come out during that time. Additionally, I think we are both very different people now that we are in our late 20s vs fresh out of college. I know people change over time, but in your 20s as many studies have shown, peoples interests and world-views are still maturing and evolving at a rate much greater to those of people in their 30s or beyond.

I have always loved surfing, ultimate frisbee and other adventurous types of sports. My wife dreads them. I like going to the gym or participating on a sports team, while Katie would rather take the dog for a walk. We rarely even enjoy the same types of TV shows. Also, like many marriages I hear about, sex has also become almost a chore. 

In reality, we are living as roommates. I still love my wife, but at what point do we decide that our lives would be better spent with other people? I don’t view divorce in the same, horrible manner as I used to; however, it still makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable thinking about the idea. I doubt any outsider would tell you they thought anything was wrong in our marriage. No one is abusing the other, etc. we just don’t have that much in common.

Now I don’t want this part to distract from the point of this post, but I do feel it’s important. My dad, brother, aunts and uncles all have suffered from some degree of anxiety and depression over the years. I have never seen anyone about it, but I know I have both to some mild degree. I also feel like I have some social issues similar to someone with aspergers. I often find it hard to make and keep friends, miss social cues, etc. I say this, because on some level, I think I will have a difficult time with any relationship over time.

If I were giving me advice, I would likely say something like, “Decide if that relationship is enough or if you feel like you need more.” In reality, I don’t know and that's the most difficult part. I realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but I also don’t want to look back on my life with regret. I know I can’t rely on my spouse for my happiness, but I also want to be able to share my passions and life experiences. 

Thoughts?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You've got a lot of work and growth to do on you. Rather with her or without her. If you leave do not get in another relationship for at least a year please, I beg of you. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Have you seen a doctor to see if you need meds? How about an individual counselor to help you along the way?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

For whom is sex a chore?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Don't leave a marriage because you feel the grass is possibly greener somewhere else. Leave a marriage when the thought of being alone makes you happier than being with your spouse.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

dontforgetyourname205 said:


> I’m a 28 years old and have been married now for three years to my wife Katie. My question is rooted in the evolution of our relationship.
> 
> When we initially met we were working at a ski resort. I had just broken up with my previous girlfriend when Katie asked me out on a date. I was reluctant, because I knew I should take some time off in between relationships, but I find it hard to say no. I knew from the start that we were very different people. I guess I trusted the “opposites attract” montra.
> 
> ...


I think you are coming at this dilemma the wrong way.

First of all, you are not taking your wife into consideration as an equal in this relationship. You sound like you're trying to decide if she's the best you can do or not. That's completely unfair to her.

Second of all, you aren't choosing between her and another theoretical girlfriend/wife. You must choose between her and being alone with the future open to possibilities.

Third, you are only thinking of the marriage you have now. What about the marriage you would have in a few years if you stayed? When your wife starts wanting children, you might feel even more trapped and unable to partake in hobbies which are clearly important to you.

Try thinking about this from your wife's perspective. She doesn't have a husband who treasures her as she is. She has a man who wishes she were different. If you care about and respect her, I think the right thing to do is talk to her about how you think your relationship isn't what you expected and why, and figure out, mutually, what to do about it.

Yes, it will hurt her feelings, but she may be experiencing a lot of the same disappointments you are and not know how to address them. There's no shame in admitting you never got to know each other properly before the marriage. There IS shame in USING her despite your incompatibility because you are unsure if you'd ever find another more compatible relationship.

Personal anecdote - I was married for twelve years to someone I thought was the love of my life. We began as a long-distance relationship, and I knew there were incompatibility issues, so I delayed marriage even after we moved in together, but eventually caved in to pressure and popped the question. I felt that we were able to reach compromise on those incompatibilities, and thought this would last. We had two kids. Soon after the second was born, I learned that my spouse had been cheating on me for years because lo and behold, there WAS someone out there who was more compatible than I was. In counselling, my ex revealed all that pushing for marriage was because my ex thought I could do better but didn't think the same was true in reverse and didn't want to be alone.

If you care about this woman, don't do the same to her. Don't let your inability to say 'no' ruin her life.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Dude, whether or not to say no isn't the question here. You already said yes. You chose her, and made the decision to marry her. Now you have the choice of whether to overcome the obstacles you face, and make your marriage the greatest it can possibly be. Or whether your going to drag your feet, and fantasize about how great life could be if you were somewhere else.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BioFury said:


> Dude, whether or not to say no isn't the question here. You already said yes. You chose her, and made the decision to marry her. Now you have the choice of whether to overcome the obstacles you face, and make your marriage the greatest it can possibly be. Or whether your going to drag your feet, and fantasize about how great life could be if you were somewhere else.


What if the greatest it can be is a life time of unmet needs and growing resentment? What if the greatest it can be means a life of emptiness? 
The fact that he already said yes is irrelevant. The fact that he is questioning his decision is relevant. 
OP, I think this is something that you and your wife need to discuss. She may actually be feeling the same way. The two of you could decide to mutually and civilly end the marriage. From the sounds of it she is as unhappy as you are. Neither of you deserve a life time of regrets because of a vow you made years ago under circumstance that have changed. Be true to yourself regardless.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Ynot said:


> What if the greatest it can be is a life time of unmet needs and growing resentment? What if the greatest it can be means a life of emptiness?


No one forced him to marry her, he made a decision of his own free will. If he wanted to be able to back out any time he pleased he shouldn't have gotten married.

What the heck is marriage to you people? A reduced tax version of boyfriend & girlfriend?



Ynot said:


> Neither of you deserve a life time of regrets because of a vow you made years ago under circumstance that have changed.


Lol. Thats right, who needs to keep their word To God and to the person they claimed to love the most?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BioFury said:


> No one forced him to marry her, he made a decision of his own free will. If he wanted to be able to back out any time he pleased he shouldn't have gotten married.
> 
> What the heck is marriage to you people? A reduced tax version of boyfriend & girlfriend?
> 
> ...


Yeah, that whole idea of keeping your word to God? If God is so offended he is more than capable of dealing with it. He certainly wouldn't need any help from the likes of you. And as for the person they claimed to love the most? How many times have you been in love? You don't think his wife deserves to find someone who will really love her instead of someone who is just sticking around out of some sense of duty? WTH is it with people like you? Every marriage can't nor shouldn't be saved


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife sounds like a nice person. Can you go through all her good points in your mind and imagine her doing the same about you?


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