# Sex with wife vs. on my own



## Melhub (Nov 12, 2013)

Hi guys

I'm new here and have been reading a few posts.

My situation is simple really - I have a wife of 17 years, two kids (13 and 8) and as of tomorrow, I have been with my wife for 22 years.

I have never been unfaithful to her as a wife and I am sure she has been faithful to me as a husband.

We moved countries 7 years ago and set up our new life with our kids and went through a lot of angst during that time - as you can imagine. But we go through it and are a little stronger for it.

She lost her dad a couple of years ago - he was a special man and his premature passing (prostate cancer) was a devastation. It has taken a long time for all of us to come to terms with it and fortunately my wife sought out some professional help (at my prompt) and seems to be on the up-swing.

The challenge is that I feel that our physical relationship is breaking down and emotionally, I'm not sure I am getting what I need at the moment - but I am sure that I am meeting the needs of the family and my wife.

We've always had mismatched sex drives (she needs a reason and I just need a place) and I learned to cope with that early on. She has been somewhat adventurous in the past and we've tried a few things - some we like and some we don't. (As with all normal relationships I guess).

Anyway - the above context is that we're pretty "normal".

Given that we've had different sex drives, I have had to take matters into my own hands a few times a month (sometimes a few times a week).

Over the past 12 months or so, I have noticed that I reach a more satisfying climax on my own than I do when we are together. 

On my own, I can climax pretty quickly, but when we have sex, it takes me ages to reach orgasm - sometimes over an hour. She can have 3 or 4 orgasms in that time, but I really struggle to reach climax.

I have tried a number of different things to help - like leaving myself alone for a week or getting toys involved or something, but more recently, it's become a problem.

After she has climaxed once, she then gets into a stressed out mode urging me to cum. Of course, that just prolongs things, so I have told her to back off and just let it happen.

And the worst part is that when it does happen, it's not special. It's a release and it's over for me - whereas on my own it's a sensation that can start in my toes and tingle my head. Together it's arduous and stressful and not fantastic.

She is already sensitive and doesn't think she's doing things right, so talking to her about it as bluntly as this is not going to help - it brings tears, more stress and sleepless, sexless nights.

I am reading the language of love book (thanks for the steer on that in one of the other forums) and I will ask her to as well, but in terms of the sex - I'm a little lost.

Any advice? I know that I don't want to cheat (seems to come up a lot here) and I want to make this work. The disappointment is real though...

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for you advice.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lay off the porn and masturbation


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## Melhub (Nov 12, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Lay off the porn and masturbation


Who said there was porn? I take some pressure off both of us this way and it is really not a contributing factor.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes it is mate, just give it a try for a month - no masturbation, no having sex with yourself, and having sex only with your spouse.

Talk to her about it as well, she wants to be able to pleasure you, and you want to be able to get sex. Simple compromise.


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## Melhub (Nov 12, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Yes it is mate, just give it a try for a month - no masturbation, no having sex with yourself, and having sex only with your spouse.
> 
> Talk to her about it as well, she wants to be able to pleasure you, and you want to be able to get sex. Simple compromise.


Err... no it isn't, because I have tried. If it were so simple, I wouldn't be posting here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Alright, I gave your OP a bit more thought

Elaborate on a typical scenario that plays out between you and your wife, does she turn you off when nearing climax? Are you still attracted to her? Does her insecurity turn you off? Do you not feel the same sensation inside her than with your hand? Explain


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think that masturbation trains us men to know exactly where our trigger point is. It is easy and always a reliable orgasm. Intercourse is a different feeling, and doesn't always hit the same "trigger" point as masturbation does. 

I would try less masturbation and more PIV sex as others have suggested. Also, do you orgasm when she gives you oral sex? That is a different feeling as well. 

Bottom line, don't get used to just one way to orgasm. There are different ways, and they all feel great. Just my opinion.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think the feeling of an O is a lot different between solo and partnered for a lot of women, too.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I am curious when you masturbate do you? think of your wife? Watch Porn? think of fantasys with your wife? think of fantasy about different acts? how do you turn your mind on for masturbation?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I posted in the duty sex thread already, but for me sex needs to be hot. She needs to be into it. If there's any hint at all that she's not I will lose my erection or not be able to finish. Her trying to rush you to finish is a great example. She's giving you crappy duty sex and you're reacting accordingly.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I have the same problem except that I am a lady. (Well, I'm female, the lady part is up for interpretation.) 

With masturbation a person has continuous physical feedback because it's yourself. You can tell what is working and what isn't. It's much harder for another person to replicate this because there are fine motor skills involved. At least for me pressure, tempo, posture, all kinds of things play into it.

With masturbation there is also no emotional strain. If you are trying to get there for your partner and have a fear if you don't get there soon they will fret or be upset or feel unwanted this acts against the climax. 

Any fantasizing with masturbation can be replayed, changed, quickly switched to another, etc. This is, of course impossible to coordinate with another human. 

But anyway. I gave up the masturbation for nearly 2 months. I found it did leave me in a heightened state of arousal. There were advantages to it. However, I think if your partner really doesn't care if you masturbate or not, if it doesn't mean that much to them that you are keeping yourself in a heightened state of arousal is it worth the trouble? 

I find myself going back and forth on this issue.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear of your frustration. It's so hard when husbands and wives have different sex drives, but I know that it's very common. The hard part is when it starts to come between you and puts a wedge in your relationship.

I came across an online article series the other day that you (and your wife) might be interested in. It really hits the nail on the head when it comes to marital intimacy. Honestly, I wish I had read it years ago. You can find it here: Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family. Maybe it will shed some light on your situation and give you some ideas as you move forward.

Hang in there. Kudos to you both for remaining faithful to one another. You just need to get over this hurdle, and then watch your relationship thrive! Blessings to you.....and Happy Anniversary!!


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## Melhub (Nov 12, 2013)

Thanks all - WorkingOnMe hit the point, I think. It can be "dutiful" and stressful and that's the piece we will need to discuss and work on.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think the feeling of an O is a lot different between solo and partnered for a lot of women, too.


:iagree:


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think the feeling of an O is a lot different between solo and partnered for a lot of women, too.


I agree with this. But we all know that when a man masturbates way too often, his grip can desensitize him. 

I'm not saying that the mental/emotional factor isn't an issue, because it most definitely IS, but with that stranglehold grip so often, a man can become desensitized. 

I'd try to stop MB'ing for a lot longer than a week. And if you absolutely MUST MB, use a different "technique" maybe??


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Masturbation is also an inherently selfish act, in that it's all about you. You don't have to give a rats behind about a partner. We all need this sometimes, but if you can't leave it behind when you're with a partner it becomes a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear of your frustration. It's so hard when husbands and wives have different sex drives, but I know that it's very common. The hard part is when it starts to come between you and puts a wedge in your relationship.

I came across an online article series the other day that you (and your wife) might be interested in. It really hits the nail on the head when it comes to marital intimacy. Honestly, I wish I had read it years ago. You can find it here: Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family. Maybe it will shed some light on your situation and give you some ideas as you move forward.

Hang in there. Kudos to you both for remaining faithful to one another. You just need to get over this hurdle, and then watch your relationship thrive! Blessings to you.....and Happy Anniversary!!


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