# Can't get past the past



## PeachBug (Feb 8, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for nearly 16 years, married for 7. For over two years, he was emotionally and verbally abusive (yelled at me for falling down stairs and ending up at the ER, telling me I was lazy and worthless after I lost my job and couldn't find a new one, making fun of the part time job I did have, mocking myself and our kids for crying around him...), leaving me very depressed and our kids afraid of him. Within the last year, it finally hit him as to what he was doing after someone ELSE pointed out how he was behaving; continuously making promises and never following through on them. 

He admitted to being a workaholic and that the opinions of "higher ups" (his parents, his bosses) mean more to him than mine. I'm considered a secondary factor him, it seems. Decisions are made before he asks me my thoughts, especially with money (He took out his retirement and put it into an investment acct at his bank... but continues to pull money from it anyway, a total of $9k within 4 months that he said was needed for bills and to fix a vehicle... but I know those repairs were only $400...).

I currently only work 2 small part time jobs, barely 20 hours a week total. He makes me feel incredibly guilty on not bringing in more money, but he only helps out with the house when he sees I'm frustrated with it- I know if I worked more than this, the house would be absolutely destroyed. 

He blames his short temper on his work situation, his sleep problems. I ended up moving in with my mother for awhile a few weeks ago after he blew up at our son, screaming him out in a parking lot and swearing at him (Kid is 4). He called me every night, leaving sobbing messages on how he wanted counseling and to get help. 

I had tried to get him to go with me for 2 years. I went alone instead- he made it to 2 sessions, but as soon as "abuse" was mentioned, he didn't want to go anymore. Everything that's happened has left me emotionally distant from him. Yes, we still have fun together, but I don't feel the "wifely connection" with him anymore. Before whatever made him realize there was something wrong, we had even had a night where I just laid everything out for him- I wasn't happy, I didn't feel right anymore, I didn't see him as the person I met anymore... I wasn't sure I loved him anymore. The next day he tried to force himself on me. That killed almost everything I had left. That was 7 months ago.

Whenever he says he wants to fix things, I get mad... Frustrated and hurt. The abuse was bad enough, then to be pushed aside every time I tried to get us help- only for him to suddenly beg for it when it finally affects him? I feel like he's trying to put a bandaid on a gunshot wound. 

He swears he still loves me, that he didn't like being alone when I was gone with the kids. He had told me when I left that if I felt happier without him, maybe it was best- but the 2nd day, he called me and said that he took that back. He didn't care if I was unhappy, he didn't want to be alone. 

We do have good days together... but I can't get past all the things that happened. He just doesn't seem to see what it's done. 

A part of me feels I'm being unfair for not wanting to go to his counseling. But I also feel a deep resentment for him waiting this long. Would you wait 2 years to go to the doctor for a broken leg? Why did he wait 2 years to work on a hurting marriage?


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

I know how you feel - my husband has been very verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our 10 year marriage. He tries to "make nice" with me after he has a blow up but I have come to recognize that as the honeymoon phase in the cycle of domestic violence (info about this is all over the internet). It all rings so hollow to me. I have lost my love and care for him and at this point, the best thing (and the thing I actually pray for) is that he will leave the home, leaving the kids with me. I don't think it's unnatural for you to feel the way you do; in fact, I think it's understandable under the circumstances.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm shocked you went back to him after he swore at your 4 year old like that. Angry people are unpredictable. Sometimes, it's just a matter of time before they become violent. Even if they never do, why would you want a lifetime of anger and disrespect?

I don't blame you for not going to his counseling. Personally, I'd leave him and never look back. Life is too short - for you AND your children - to be subjected to that stuff. You don't have to live like that, and for sure shouldn't subject your kids to it.


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## PeachBug (Feb 8, 2012)

I met with an abuse counsellor off my sister's advice last week. They talked with me awhile, asked what was going on... If I felt safe there. I don't believe he would physically harm us, but I don't want my kids growing up like I did.... Already my 2 yr old thinks that if I'm sitting on the floor, she needs to get me a tissue and comfort me- not play with me. I have to prove I'm not crying before she'll get her toys.

I get that tearing feeling a lot. Am I wrong to feel I need to leave? Am I the problem here? 
Then he reaffirms it, like yesterday. Woke up SCREAMING at babygirl because she had a nightmare and was crying. Swore at her, tried to just ignore her while I was trying to get ready for work. I ran out of the bathroom (basically naked), grabbed her, and refused to come back out of bathroom. He demanded I give her back, that his machine made him grumpy (being WITHOUT the thing was his excuse before!), and that I was overreacting. 

I won't go thru this again...

He is still doing counselling (2 sessions thus far) but booked a couples session for next week without asking me. I dont know what he expects from me. I already gave him the answers to what he asked. She's not going to magically make me trust him again. I do love him as the father of my kids, but this anger... No. I dont want to do this. Promises are just empty words from him and I dont want to listen anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Peach--what do you want? Because that is what it boils down to.

I was in a situation likes yours before. By the time he finally wanted to go to counselling, there was so much damage done. To this day (and a divorce later), I don't think he "gets" how much pain he caused me. 

This is spot on: *I feel like he's trying to put a bandaid on a gunshot wound. *


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## Dill (Jan 31, 2012)

PeachBug, I feel your pain. My husband is also a very angry person and verbally abusive. Like your husband, he always has an excuse for his blowups - he is tired, the kids are noisy, etc. I am currently trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to break up our home, but it hurts so much to know that my children are witnessing their mom being abused. I don't want them to think that this is normal.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

live unhappy with an angry man or kick him out and hope he gets help..I can say that yes it is fixable, my counselor told me angry people don't change but I found that my counselor was wrong. Now my husband never even raises his voice, never criticises me or tells me what to do. He's been better for a few months now and I see a serious change in him. He treats me like a queen. Of course it takes counseling, anger management. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeachBug (Feb 8, 2012)

I decided to go with him tomorrow, if only to say my piece on all this. I honestly dont know how this will go, and already feel quite frustrated. We talked yesterday, he asked how I felt again (I already told him I don't feel things can be fixed between us... That my heart's given up... I still love him as the father of my kids but can't take getting hurt anymore). He only seems to hear the I Love You though, and that makes it out as everything is fine in his head.

he says he feels something's missing inside, not just between us. I asked if he was drinking... He said no, but I know he's been going out more and more with his friends after work, and see the 40 oz bottles sitting in recycle on some mornings. He told me he thinks he's having a midlife crisis (he's 30)... That he thinks he's in depression again (he had meds, continuous refill on it for 2 years that he never brought in once he ran out after first bottle), that its his sleep problem. Everything has an excuse, but its all still something he could have done. His love of putting things off is what caused this rift... 

Last night really scared me. We had our talk earlier that morning... He asked a bunch of odd questions, then said he trusted me over and over- then about 20 min later, took his machete out from its hiding spot and left it on the railing. That freaked me out. 

I'm getting scared. He says he can't even keep track of whats up in his head... I'm trying hard to get out of here... He cries when I tell him I'm afraid of him, but he refuses to hear me when I try to say more. My mother didnt believe me, just pushed aside what I told her- I dont know anymore, maybe I'm the problem, I'm the one with the issues... I dont get this anymore... I just want to hide and cry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Machete?

Get yourself and your kids out of there! Do whatever you have to. 

Violence is unpredictable. Just get out of there and don't see him again unless it is in a public place. Like the police station.


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## PeachBug (Feb 8, 2012)

The session confused me incredibly. He obviously had been leaving things out during his own... The things he TOLD me were his reasons for going! She seemed horrified when I told her about the yelling, swearing, machete reappearance, that he implied I'm a bad mom... He swore he hadnt realized taking that out was so scary to me, but every time he was asked on something, it was "I dont know why" or "I guess that was wrong". 
He really worried me when he said theres something wrong in his head where he cant think straight and doesnt hear me. After that, she asked how close I was to leaving.... I said very, I was looking into places. She just nodded, then asked him to see his doctor.
We get home... He asked how long I would leave. I replied I didnt really know. It either satisfied him or frustrated him, because he instead talked about work for an hour. 
Yesterday, it was right back to confusing me. "We've got lots of money this weekend, go do something with the kids." "We need to stay in, we cant blow funds. You spent a lot already." (Groceries and paying the counsellor?) "I'm getting a tattoo this weekend." He was leaving for work and did his usual byes to the kids... Then grabbed me around the waist and started groping me. I freaked out and tried to pull away. He got mad and left. 
When even he doesnt know what sets him off or why he does it, how am I supposed to understand? How am I supposed to "help" like he demands? I dont want to anymore. He admitted to rarely listening... To work mattering more- he'll happily ramble on about his job, but ask him on his kids, he cant remember when they were born... He even blanked on my birthdate the other day. 
He doesnt believe I plan to go.
He didnt even hear the counsellor tell me to set a date.
I'm just so lost now... I cant find it in me to try anymore when he expects me to do it all. I want him to get himself better, but I dont think I'll be here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe he has some kind of chemical imbalance in his brain, something like bipolar disorder where he becomes manic at times and depressed/angry at other times.

A professional is the only one who can help him with that, or whatever his issues may be.

YOU need to do what you need to do for yourself and your child's safety. That should be the most important priority for you right now. Other decisions and discussions can come later.


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