# Guilt trip by husband...



## sadmel

So confused...My husband are having marriage troubles. Basically because I've recently told him that I am emotionally, intimately dead with him. We've had sexual, intimacy issues for years. (me not wanting any intimate contact with him) Sure it is caused by many things from both of us over the years. Not going to get into that...LONG story. 

Anyway - I also met someone few months ago and began an EA. It has recently ended and I have no contact with this person. I still think about this person and am hoping that will end with time. 

I did tell my husband the truth that I met someone and had feelings for someone else. He knows everything. I told him I would cut off all communication with this person, so we could have a fighting chance. But in my heart I'm already gone and all these problems, were there WAY BEFORE I even met this over person! Meeting him just really opened up my eyes to my problems with my marriage and made me realize if my marriage was strong in the first place, I would have never ever been tempted by another person and would have never started an emotional affair and kissed this other person. (and wanted to do more, but we didn't. But the point that I wanted to...BIG RED FLAG)

Well, my husband and I have been talking and talking and he is trying, being on his "best behavior"...helping around house, being better with the kids, taking initiative, etc. All these things we fought about for years, things I've brought up over and over again for years...and nothing ever changed. So now that he knows how serious things are...now he is trying to change. But for me, it makes no difference. My feelings are so dead, that no matter what he does, I feel so indifferent about it. I feel like a *****, so selfish and mean. But that is how I feel, because those feelings are gone, because I waited and waited for years and got my heart broken so many times, let down so many times, that I am all done. 

Well, my husband now keeps putting these guilt trips on me...I love you so much, can't imagine my life with out you, all our dreams, etc. Last night he said, "I feel like killing myself". I know he wasn't serious, but just that he said that...So I feel SO guilty for wanting to separate and/or contemplate divorce. 
He is making me feel so guilty and I do feel guilty for a lot of things, the things I've done. But what about the years that I didn't get what I wanted, needed? How do I forget about all that? I guess I am supposed to forgive...but I just can't. And I can't get those intimate feelings back either. Those have been gone for almost 10 plus years. I honestly can say I am fine with NEVER having sex with him again; don't feel that and sure I never will. 

Is it right that my husband is saying all these things? I know he is voicing his feelings and he has every right, after what I've told him how I feel. But I don't want to be "guilted" into staying in a marriage that perhaps cannot or shouldn't be saved. Or stay because I'm afraid of hurting him or how he will "survive" without me. 

I was his 2nd serious relationship. Before me he had dated a woman for six years, they never had sex. So when we got married (he was 24) he was a virgin. So I've been the only woman he's been with. So I feel A LOT of guilt about that...

Uuuggg, this is SO hard! 

Thanks for listening.


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## unbelievable

He's just a slow learner. You left the union some time ago. You made the choice to kill the marriage. How he expresses his pain while he dies is his choice. Sorry he can't make it more comfortable for you. For some ridiculous reason, he apparently still has feelings for you. Love has little to do with common sense.


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## Pandakiss

i agree with ub, you might have left the marriage years ago. if you want to stay and he wants to stay, you have to lay groung rules;

its both of your faults for how your marriage turned out.
neither of you are allowed to call out old hurts [i mean cruel and name calling]
saying what hurt one or the other, in a calm way thats not pointing fingers.
its important to say old and past resentments, work them out.
no unfair fighting, if you are talking about, hangers then you aint talkin bout the car, get it.
if it becomes overwhelming, say so, stop, and wait till later.
everybodys little things matter to them, and your things might seem little to them.
be adults.
you loved each other once before.

its very hard to go back over all hurts and petty things, and family crap, and not be mean, and not be responsible for your actions, there is on quick fix, it will hurt, but you cant dwell on small hurts, yoou must go on to solve your probs, from year one, and most likley day one.

date again, this time be truthful about your self and things you want out of life, and out if a partner...

i hope you find the answers you seek..


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## unbelievable

If a divorce doesn't hurt, it wasn't much of a marriage.


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## sbbs

I know you said you didn't want to get into this, but...could you at least give us a brief summary of what led to the lack of intimacy?

It's kind of hard for any of us to really know what's going on without knowing some of the background. You tell us that your husband is guilt tripping you, but it's hard for me (and probably for anyone else here) to tell whether he's really being manipulative, or whether he's trying to get you to stay out of genuine love.


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## Catherine602

Don't want to pile on but I can't hold it in; this is so horribly unfair to this man. It may hurt him if you leave but he will recover. In fact, if he posted, I would tell him that he has learned from his mistakes in this relationship and his future is bright for a successful new relationship. Although divorce will hurt now, in a very short time he will know that it is the best thing that ever happened to him. 

Let him go, you don't love him so give him a chance to love and be loved by someone else. Why torture him by giving him the false impression that you are interested in staying in the marriage and re-establising intimacy. 

Don't worry, he won't kill himself if you leave, he may if you torture him by staying with him knowing you are finished in the relationship and you care nothing about him. Such a deception would make any human feel desperate.


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## unbelievable

Either resuscitate this marriage or put a bullet in it. This poor guy has a ring, a piece of paper, and a woman who fraudulently told him she wanted to make things work when in her heart she didn't. He's neither alive nor dead, just sort of being kept technically alive by artificial means. Every day he lives as a zombie, he could be spending as a cherished, respected, and truly loved human being.


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## sadmel

I appreciate everyone's opinions and advice, even if blunt! That is what is so great about this forum!

Background - The usual suspects: met husband when 23, he was 25. I had just come out of 3-year relationship, living with someone. He was in a 6-year relationship, his only relationship ever. I had experience with more relationships and sex, he did not. He was a virgin when I married him two years after meeting and dating. He lived at home with mom & dad while working after college. I left home when I was 17, joined the military, worked and lived all over the world for four years. 

So as you can see, from the beginning, we came from VERY different backgrounds. But we had a lot in common and he was the first really nice, decent, educated guy I had dated. And we became best friends, something that I hadn't really had in my previous relationships. We did have sex while dating. It is hard for me to remember the quantity and quality, as it was almost 20 years ago. But I do know that it was decent sex, not mindblowing, awesome, "god I'm so into sex". I also was never really physically attracted to him, didn't find him sexy. I was really attracted to his personality, his friendship and that he was a really good, decent guy. I pushed the sexual chemistry piece of our relationship aside, thinking it wasn't all that important, esp. long term, to make a marriage last thru the years. Believed friendship was the most important thing. Yes, young and innocent! 

He also had a bit of a temper and didn't like it when I talked about previous relationships with others or when joking around with girlfriends, etc. Once when we were dating, he got really mad and actually pushed me across the room and really got scary. I remember not liking the look in his eyes and at that moment, really questioning if I should be in that relationship. But he said sorry and would never happen again. 

OK, got married and within year had 1st child. Things OK, but he worked long hours, concentrating on his job/career, as I stayed home with baby. I believe that is when we began "drifting apart" or something...we got along, things were OK, we did fight about small things, sometimes he would yell, criticize me, critique little things, just yell. He grew up in a home where his dad yelled and verbally abused his mother and his mother just took it, never said anything. I witnessed this many times over the years, when at their house for dinner, holidays, etc. My husband NEVER once stood up to his dad and said, "please stop, you shouldn't talk to mom like that." This happened in front of my three young sons. To this day, we do not go to their house anymore, for that reason. I am NOT going to be a witness to that and/or have my kids see that kind of treatment. 

Anyway - so my husband did some yelling throughout our years of marriage. Yes, married with 3 kids, having a stressful job, paying the bills, etc. is tough. But no excuse for yelling or being so picky with me. 

I also had issues with how he was a dad - kinda had the 1950's mentality - work, come home, relax on couch, watch TV. NOT my idea of marriage in the 1990/2000! Not really what I expected from a husband, partner. 

So over the years, constant battle of: "can you please spend some time with the kids, can you read them a book, can you walk the dog, can you help around the house?" He doesn't even know how to fold laundry. His excuse, "my mother never taught me..." All that stuff that many of us woman ***** about. 

For years I have felt like I have another child, not a man, not a true husband. I have had to "direct" him around, what to do, not what to do. Every thing with the kids, every vacation, every educational experience my kids have had, has been my doing. I have felt very much like a single mother in many ways. Yes, if I TELL my husband to do something, he's great; he'll do it! But you know what - that's not what I want. It would be nice for him to take initiative. Why get married, have kids - if you aren't going to fully participate in their lives? 

And I'm tired of this excuse that people use, "well it's just because men and women are different...mother's will always be the primary parent. Bull. This is 2010, not 1950. These men need to get their crap together and start to participate 100%!

And his reply over the years, "I'm sorry, I won't yell anymore, I'll help more around the house, blah blah blah. 

Well, after 15 years of waiting for change, waiting for him to "grow up"...I realized things are not going to change. I guess I was trying to change him, and that is wrong. I guess I had expectations of the person I wanted to be with and I was wrong.

The funny thing is, when I met and dated my husband, he was SO neat, clean, organized, seemed so mature, etc. Then after we got married, had kids, whole different story. I felt a bit "tricked" I guess. I know a lot of people will think I am crazy, b/c that is how all relationships are...but I am just being honest here. I know I am not perfect either, but just telling exactly how all these things ate me up inside and really killed things between us. 

I guess I am just realizing how different we really are. And that I am who I am, and he is the way he is. I do love him, but some things are dead and not sure if they'll come back. I do not look at him in "lovey" way or sexually attracted to him, I just don't. I look at him more as a friend, roommate, father of my kids, etc. That connection between us has been destroyed over the years. It sucks, but that is the reality. 

He is not 100% to blame, I know this. I bring my own past and issues into the relationship. Of course it contributes to things and I realize this. I just feel like we are just "mis-matched", even after 18 years of knowing him. I believe some people just drift apart and there is nothing that can be done. It sometimes takes time to realize this. 

Thanks for listening!


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