# I really would like some help, support, insight as to what to do next



## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi, I have been dating this girl about 7 months. I wont say its been an easy 7 months, I will say ive had to work harder than i ever have even in relationships 10 times as long. 
IDK if the problem is her or me or just a bad combination. 

Most recently she was flying back from out of the country and asked if i could pick her up, i agreed, and she told me to think about it until the next day and give a definite decision then. I did and came to another conclusion that its a big hassle (LA area, airport is 1 one hour from me and another hour to her home, and another hour back to my home). So thinking that it was still ok to tell her like she said, I emailed her and gave her a long explanation for why i reconsidered and saying i would pay for her shuttle ride home. I woke up to four insanely long emails and this isnt the first (or 20th time) and im feeling completely spent emotionally. 
(RE her saying i hang up on her is far from the truth, i sometimes say i dont want to discuss things or cant handle the arguments and ask they stop but i dont hang up. She calls it that. 
here is one (of the 4) emails: )

I'm crying at the airport. You've ruined everything. Don't you get it? I will never trust you again. It's not about today anymore. The fact that you could flake like this is why in the future I won't trust you when you promise or assure me. We had an agreement. You're a grown up and if you didn't like the agreement you could have said no at the time. Nobody put a gun to your head. This is so passive aggressive.

I can't keep feeling so insignificant, so disposable, that you'll just hang up on me any moment (no safe word and still No apology... don't bother, it's too late for an apology now. If you were sorry for hanging up, you'd have said so right away. My belief, right or wrong, is that you don't regret it bc otherwise you'd just bother to use the safe word). From now on, I will not be in any position that would allow u to treat me like this. This is not something we can recover from. I can't, I'm sorry. I just can't ever trust you again. I've spent the last two hours thinking about it and writing to u. I love you, but unfortunately I don't trust you anymore. I just can't. I can't ever believe your promises are sincere or that you'll keep them. I just can't. I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than breaking trust in a relationship. I'm sorry but your decision broke my heart today, and there's nothing either of us can do about it anymore. I hope you get the rest you so desperately need and that you flaked on me for. I'm sure you won't flake on Matt or your trip this wkend, despite how tired u are, so I am certain that it's only on me that you'll flake. That's why I feel so insignificant to you. I don't believe you see me for the valuable person I am. You haven't seen me in a week, and you know fully well that today was our chance since you're away this wkend and I work all week. I feel so unloved. Are you canceling on Matt? Of course not. Are you going to spend the wkend w me instead, since we haven't seen each other and u cancelled our plans today? Of course not. We don't flake on the people we value, only on the ones we take for granted. I'm never going to let you make me feel insignificant again. I deserve so much better than this, and I'm sorry you can't appreciate how valuable I am. I'm sorry you don't miss me enough to see me. I should feel like a priority in your life, but I don't. Despite the Tony Robbins experiment, I still don't feel loved or significant to you.

You should have kept your word bc I deserve nothing less than honesty and commitment. Obviously you can't give me either. I need a relationship where we love each other and keep our commitments even if we're angry. You've shown me over and over that you just won't give me that relationship. So I hope you have fun this week with people you won't flake on.I only come first to you when u can buy me something over the top material, like flowers or earrings or tv.But when it comes to showing love through your own actions and words, where are you,. You're certainly not with me. I feel really alone in this relationship, and I'm sick and tired of being treated as if I was irrelevant. No amounts of flowers or gifts can buy you what you should do yourself: love me, value me, put me first. I feel alone, unloved and insignificant and now I don't trust u anymore. What's left? I still love you, but that's not enough. Not when I'm flying back from south Africa and you won't be around next weekend and you're supposed to miss me. You were supposed to miss me and to keep your word. You were supposed to keep promises even when we're mad at each other. I'm sick and tired of feeling insignificant and ungrateful bc your material gifts don't make me feel any more significant. They're really lovely abd thoughtful, but they don't replace the need for you to show that you value me. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can recover from this."



Id like some help and guidance , im so tired of being barraged with scoldings like im both a child and a villain but idk if my reactions to these types of emails are over the top or what, ive never had a relationship this volatile, it scares me, it makes me defensive, i feel like im the one who has to make amends when she goes off like this, and that doesnt feel safe. Help? Please someone...


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

FYI my only reply has been this: I understand you are upset but there is no justification for speaking to me like this. This constant barrage of scolding ends for me now 


and no reply from her yet.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Have there been times where you cancelled something with her to be with your friend (Matt)? 
I read the e-mail and all I can think is that the airport thing was a straw that broke the camels back, that it's been building up for some time now. 

There are some scolding parts but a lot about how she is feeling too which should be listened to. She wants to feel loved and valued. Do you make her a priority and show her love other than gift giving? Do you know her "love language"?

ETA- It also sounds like she thinks you saying yes on the phone to her and then saying no in an e-mail (instead of the phone) is passive aggressive, are there other examples of these kinds of things she has mentioned? Do you often just avoid negative conversations instead of work through them?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Makeitstop said:


> Id like some help and guidance ... ive never had a relationship this volatile, it scares me....


MIS, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you're describing -- e.g., emotional instability, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "*The Victim*," lack of trust, and lack of impulse control -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can diagnose your GF to determine whether she has full blown BPD. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags (i.e., symptoms) for BPD if any of them are occurring strongly. 

I therefore suggest you take a look at the 18 BPD warning signs I list at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ried-about-my-son-sorry-long.html#post1297851. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If most of those red flags ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, MIS.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Run, Forrest, Run!!!

No, seriously.. That response is way over the top for not picking up from the airport.. Now granted, you shouldn't have said yes if you didn't want to.. But she shouldn't have said, "take some time to think about it" as it was obviously a test.. 

The "I'll never trust you again" and "you broke my heart" is what gets me.. 

And maybe this is me, but yeah, I'd have been irritated if I asked you to pick me up, but hey, you offered to pay for a shuttle.. I wouldn't have let you, but I'd probably be irked.. I'd probably even say something.. But, it would more be along the lines of "hey, that kind of hurt my feelings that you didn't want to pick me up." Not, "the world is coming to an end and you have thrown me to the wolves.. "

I'm thinking you guys are not very compatible.. You want someone less high maintenance, and she wants someone more into her.. Fair enough.. might be time to move on..


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't think your relationship is going to work. The fact that you changed your mind about picking her up tells me you're already ambivalent about her at best (and so does the rest of your post). Her reaction seems like an overreaction, although it could also be her picking up on your ambivalence about her. But that becomes a never-ending echo chamber, back and forth between your ambivalence about her, her overreaction to your ambivalence about her, your further ambivalence about her because of her overreaction etc. Dig? I'd just say time to end it.


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

yeah I agree that id be irked if someone did that, but she insisted i think about it!! So i did! Im not saying a negative reaction was wrong, but this was...like wow. I had no way to call her bc she was out of the country we had done all the planning by email

and no i never blow her off for friends, EVER. This friend is one of my only and closest friends and he lives in NYC and I see him once a year.

RE someone who said the straw that broke the camels back, no these emails are a dime a dozen, each one sounding just as betrayed and horrified and the next, since month 1. So no, this behavior is completely "normal"


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Makeitstop said:


> yeah I agree that id be irked if someone did that, but she insisted i think about it!! So i did! Im not saying a negative reaction was wrong, but this was...like wow. I had no way to call her bc she was out of the country we had done all the planning by email
> 
> and no i never blow her off for friends, EVER. This friend is one of my only and closest friends and he lives in NYC and I see him once a year.
> 
> *RE someone who said the straw that broke the camels back, no these emails are a dime a dozen, each one sounding just as betrayed and horrified and the next, since month 1. So no, this behavior is completely "normal"*


So is this how you want to live going forward? Dealing with this crap over and over? Do you think it will get better?

It won't. Move on.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow Bro, you have got to get out NOW!!!

She is showing hallmark, classic behaviors of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). As someone who has known two of these creatures (not relationship partners, just female friends) I am telling you that this situation will never improve. BPD's are certifiably bat-sh*t crazy and their behavior rarely changes, even with therapy. You will never have a moment's peace with this woman.


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

thanks guys i am getting out. I think its BPD which is funny bc she told me in her last marriage her partner had BPD. During our early months i made the mistake of asking sincerely if there was a diagnosis i didnt know about, and she unleashed a fury like....i get chills when i think about it still...so i could never broach the subject again


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You have a responsibility to both yourself and to her to find an exit from this relationship in my opinion.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Makeitstop said:


> thanks guys i am getting out. I think its BPD which is funny bc she told me in her last marriage her partner had BPD. During our early months i made the mistake of asking sincerely if there was a diagnosis i didnt know about, and she unleashed a fury like....i get chills when i think about it still...so i could never broach the subject again


That's a good decision, because in all honesty, the only way you can take that email is as a 'breakup' email. That last line, believe it.



Makeitstop said:


> "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can recover from this."


It's done, she's broken up with you, now you need to enforce it when she comes crying back that that's not how she meant it. Well, she should've thought of that before she sent it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm not a chick, but if my boyfriend refused to pick me up from the airport because it was a "hassle" I'd save the email and just never contact him again.

She deserves a guy that doesn't mind the hassle. After only 10 months you should want to spend every waking moment together. You don't and she knows it. Move on for both your sakes.

You guys are INSANE to think this is BPD. It reads way more like she is frustrated and fed up with being let down.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I'm not a chick, but if my boyfriend refused to pick me up from the airport because it was a "hassle" I'd save the email and just never contact him again.
> 
> She deserves a guy that doesn't mind the hassle. After only 10 months you should want to spend every waking moment together. You don't and she knows it. Move on for both your sakes.
> 
> You guys are INSANE to think this is BPD. It reads way more like she is frustrated and fed up with being let down.


I'm a chick and I agree; I think it's crappy that he couldn't be bothered to pick his gf up from the airport. This site must be full of psychiatrists with all the mental diagnosing that goes on here. I agree this relationship should end, she deserves someone that doesn't view her as an inconvenience. I wouldn't have emailed either, I'd just never speak to him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I'm not a chick, but if my boyfriend refused to pick me up from the airport because it was a "hassle" I'd save the email and just never contact him again.
> 
> She deserves a guy that doesn't mind the hassle. After only 10 months you should want to spend every waking moment together. You don't and she knows it. Move on for both your sakes.


^ This.

It strikes me as utterly weird that you should agree to pick her up and she then tells you to think about it. Yes, it was obviously a trap and one you fell right into. The correct answer (if you want to be with her) is "Why would I need time to think about it? Of course I will come and get you."

Setting a trap is not necessarily a sign of BPD. Her email smacks of someone who is totally pissed off with a long litany of failures on your side. She may be being unfair; can't tell from the information you have supplied. However there are two sides to every story.

Bottom line, though, is that you two don't seem compatible so why prolong the agony?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I too am growing weary of the constant interweb diagnosis. The woman is clearly frustrated with the decisions going on. And the "think about it" comment was not a trap. It was a woman who clearly did not trust the man and wanted him to be absolutely sure he would pick her up.

Backing out of the deal was the last straw for her. 

Again, a 10 month relationship is supposed to be flowers and sunshine. Calling in sick to spend a day together. Driving bleery eyed for hours just to see each other. Heck, a year in to my relationship with my wife I would walk 5 miles each way just to see her on her lunch break because I didnt have a car.

You don't want her OP. Move on.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She may have been testing you, it is hard to tell. 

I would move on.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

BPD is a serious disorder and it seems like sometimes it's thrown out every time someone gets emotional. There is a lot of well thought out "I need___" and "I feel ____ when you do ____" statements. Explaining her needs like your gift giving is thoughtful however I need more emotional support from you. I don't see verbal abuse, she's pissed and it shows but being angry isn't abuse. She can't trust him because he let her down. 

You say she's written more like this so have her needs ever even been addressed or do you just shut down the conversation like this time? There was no plan of action talked about or acted on to fix the problem, no understanding her feelings and needs and letting her know you will meet them, no understanding how your actions upset her. No actually showing that you "listened" to her other than just seeing you were being scolded.
Just- I don't like talking when it's negative/conflict so I'm just going to avoid it. That IS very passive-aggressive and she can see that. 
A lot of people wouldn't be able to deal with PA and not being heard and would get upset and emotional, that doesn't make them BPD. 

She may be more emotional and needy than others but that's like saying someone who likes things clean has OCD. It's not a term to just throw out. It just writes off their feelings as not valid or important. 

I don't think this relationship will or should work either, she needs someone who will make her a priority, he needs someone who isn't so needy.

But don't make someone believe they are crazy for being upset when you upset them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> You guys are INSANE to think this is BPD. It reads way more like she is frustrated and fed up with being let down.


Did you read his through all of OP's responses? She fires off these hateful emails ALL THE TIME, and has ever since the first month! So seven months of hateful, vile-spewing, everything is black-or-white, crazy-making emails is MORE than enough to show she is unstable and nuts. Normal people don't turn everything into a calamity. Borderlines do.

Have you ever truly been involved with a Borderline? Because I have, and it ain't pretty.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Did you read his through all of OP's responses? She fires off these hateful emails ALL THE TIME, and has ever since the first month! So seven months of hateful, vile-spewing, everything is black-or-white, crazy-making emails is MORE than enough to show she is unstable and nuts. Normal people don't turn everything into a calamity. Borderlines do.
> 
> Have you ever truly been involved with a Borderline? Because I have, and it ain't pretty.


 I have and the vile-spewing hatred is more of the "you're a stupid *** *** *** and I'm going to just kill myself because of what you've done to me" variety. Not the "I'm feeling unloved and not valued because of your hurtful actions and while some of the things you do are thoughtful, I need more emotional support from you" variety. 

"Normal people" can get upset when someone lets them down. You can even get really upset and still be "normal" Let the actual Drs do the diagnosing.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

She needs you to be someone you are not. You are only able to contort yourself so much for the sake of a relationship. Take a look here see if this is familar: 
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap | aloftyexistence


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

Last night i ended it, she argued with me about it until 2 am, when i finally said i couldnt discuss it anymore, she continued to call me over 40 times throughout the night as i slept, i woke up to over 60 text messages, 12 emails, and 8 voicemails. 

she drugged herself with ambien but stayed awake and left me very confusing and drugged out messages.


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

Im really worried bout her but i dont know how to set boundaries now wo seeming like a total a-hole.


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

and she has not slept, im pretty sure bc ive been called every 15 minutes or so since 2 am,


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Wow... yeah... throw this one back... she is definitely not a keeper. You can't save her from herself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She needs professional help, and even that may not be enough. It doesn't matter what "label" or personality disorder you assign her, she's nuts and you need to get away from her. Good thing you live an hour away, but don't be surprised if you get home and she's sitting in your driveway.

Btw, save all those emails, voicemails, texts, etc. You may need them at some point if she starts stalking/harassing you. These types don't go away easily.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> Did you read his through all of OP's responses? She fires off these hateful emails ALL THE TIME, and has ever since the first month! So seven months of hateful, vile-spewing, everything is black-or-white, crazy-making emails is MORE than enough to show she is unstable and nuts. Normal people don't turn everything into a calamity. Borderlines do.
> 
> Have you ever truly been involved with a Borderline? Because I have, and it ain't pretty.


If that is your idea of hate filled vile, you need to get out more.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Ok say let me get this straight. The woman has zero trust (she clearly states this is an ongoing issue) so she is BPD.

She is hurting and angry that she got dumped so she's nuts for calling so many times?

I know I'm a strange guy but I didn't think I was so far off in my way of viewing things. Explains a lot why I'm in my own marriage mess. Maybe I need to re-evaluate my perception of things.


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## Makeitstop (Feb 25, 2014)

Alright since people are giving me some much flack, let me explain a little better my decision. I didnt want to go into it but ok...

I have a terminal and chronic illness, and lately ive been sleeping 15 hours a day and not feeling well when im awake, that day was going to require 3 hours minimum driving as well as being awake and chipper w her and i knew i couldnt do it, i knew physically i would get myself so tired that emotionally id be cranky, i explained that to her in my email for also why i was backing out, that and i TRULY thought when she told me to think it over that she meant it, why is that so insane to think??

and as for the BPD diagnosis i dont give that out easily, my sister and best friend was misdiagnosed with bpd and it ruined her life for many years (turns out she has aspergers) and its one of the reasons i refused to even think the words BPD for so long. 

and people who think im not willing to be all lovey dovey or that im just not that into her, I sent her a delivery gift each day she was in south africa flowers, wine, teddy bears, chocolate, all that. and I really ask you to consider how much youd be willing to take if you get emails like that every single day of your relationship, sometimes several upon several, each one as long and attacking. How much could u handle it?? 

I cant and thats why i walked away. Now i am feeling very bullied (just a feeling i know) and she is telling me shes glad we didnt break it off, tho i keep saying point blank YES its broken off


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> If that is your idea of hate filled vile, you need to get out more.


Yawn... here come the personal attacks where members are snarky to other members who they disagree with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you've made a good decision Makeitstop. It's obvious this relationship isn't good for either of you.

As for her continued contact, I honestly think you'd be wise to block her messages and calls on your phone, block her emails etc, because the relationship is done and there's no point torturing each other with continued contact, since that contact sounds like it'll be prolonging the agony of separation. I think she'll move on faster if she doesn't get responses anymore.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Whether he wanted to be googly eyed and pick her up or not is irrelevant. She set him up, and then blamed him for the negative response. If she was good either way, she wouldn't have played the martyr card on him for sympathy. She clearly wasn't ok with a NO, so she should have communicated that to him in the first place.

The best reaction? Be self sufficient like everyone on here speaks like the gospel. If I can't find a ride back from the airport by my gf or buddies, I find my own ride...shuttle, taxi, or bus. I'm the only one truly responsible for myself. I can still be upset if I think my SO didn't care enough to see me off the plane, but then I guess I would deal with that in its own way.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

John Lee said:


> You have a responsibility to both yourself and to her to find an exit from this relationship in my opinion.


YES....before it's too late!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I'm not a chick, but if my boyfriend refused to pick me up from the airport because it was a "hassle" I'd save the email and just never contact him again.
> 
> She deserves a guy that doesn't mind the hassle. After only 10 months you should want to spend every waking moment together. You don't and she knows it. Move on for both your sakes.
> 
> You guys are INSANE to think this is BPD. It reads way more like she is frustrated and fed up with being let down.


Man, every damn behavior around here is diagonosed as "BPD." To me it seems like an easy excuse to not actually have to deal with someone in most of these cases -- "oh, she's BPD."


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

John Lee said:


> Man, every damn behavior around here is diagonosed as "BPD." To me it seems like an easy excuse to not actually have to deal with someone in most of these cases -- "oh, she's BPD."


I agree. Every time someone describes a behaviour people don't like, bam, mental illness. Even though I hate doing it, I struggle not to as well.

Pretty much every person on this planet could be diagnosed with a mental illness out of the psychiatrists handbook. Every single behaviour could be analysed and attributed to something that's listed in there. 

No one is safe... we're all walking psychos.


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