# Military Wife with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband



## watson1314

Hi, My name is Sara and I have a 19 month old son. I have been married for almost 3 yrs now. My husband and I knew each other for only 3 months before we got married, yes it was way to quick but we were both military at the time and were stationed to go to different states and the only way we could be together was to get married. Shortely after we found out we were pregnant. Or i should say i was pregnant, because i was the only one that seemed to realize it. And that is when the problems began.
Long story short when he gets mad he says mean things, such as im lazy, worthless, a horrible wife, etc. And that was even while i was pregnant. He would be nice for the most part if it was just him and I but as soon as friends came around it would all change. When i confronted him about it he said he didnt want to look like my ***** in front of people. 
Then he deployed, and i thought the fact that he was away from us he would realize what he had and stop treating and talking to me like crap. But he didnt, it only got worse. We would skype and he would cuss me out and even told our son "ur mommy is a *****". Well i did the unthinkable and found myself first only having an emotional affair but then it went further. I felt the best i had about myself in a long time, I was happy and happy with myself. Well he found out, said he had changed that he knew he had drove me to it. That he wanted to be a family and didnt want to loose me. Well i chose him and he came home and things were good for about 2 months. 
He isnt as mean as he was before he left but there are still times, he even told me i was a bad mom because our son burnt himself on my hair straightner. 
Told me i was a bad wife because i wouldnt cook him breakfast. Told me that if i didnt want him to be in a bad mood i needed to have sex with him when he wanted it.
On fathers day i tried to make it special for him, cooked breakfast, bought him special gifts etc. Well when our son went down for a nap and i didnt hop into bed with im to have sex he blew up and told me he didnt ask for any of those gifts all he wanted was to have sex.
And the stories just go on and on

My issue is i dont know what to do.....Yes i know i should leave him but im scared that he could have changed and i didnt give him enough time.
Or maybe i deserve this.....expecially because i cheated.
Or This is as good as it gets for me.

Im so confussed PLEASE HELP!!!


----------



## DawnD

I do find it interesting that you didn't take any responsibility for your affair. You slept with someone else while he was deployed. that was a DECISION you made. that caused damage. You only say that HE took responsibility for it, when in reality, that is your burden to bear. 

You both need to seek counseling. I am not condoning his actions, but I am appalled at the lack of your taking responsibility for something so severe. Seek counseling, both individual and marriage counseling, and go from there. I think you would be suprised to find out you play a part in the failure of the marriage as well.


----------



## watson1314

Well.....not what i expected but your honesty is appriciated. I guess i didnt go into enough detail. I did and do take responsability and I never said he was the cause. I was just stating what he said to try and explain how he always says he will change and does not. Yes i made the decision and it was not a good one at all. I do wish i never would have done it. And that happened after being married for 2 yrs. And the affair didnt happen until 9 months into the deployment. Yes it still happened and i still made that decision, i had just dealt with his crap for too long and had fallen out of love with him. He wasnt there for me emotionally, and was always putting me down. Before i always made excuses for his actions. Alot of time it was because he was drunk, hungover, i didnt clean, i didnt cook dinner etc. Well while he was deployed none of those could be the reason for him being mean.


----------



## DawnD

It doesn' make any difference if it happened the first month of his deployment or the last. It happened. Can I ask why you two didn't seek counseling after he got home?? My H is military too, and counseling is free. Why not give it a go?

I understand what you are saying. my H suffered some horrible PTSD after his second deployment. He came home and spiraled into a depression. it got horrible. Everything was my fault, he never wanted to do anything but drink and b****. I get that aspect of it all. I really do. But with all the resources available to us, I can not figure out why we didn't use them sooner, and why you aren't now!! The treating you like crap in front of his friends thing is just immaturity and ego. That can he discussed with a counselor. The comments he makes towards you as well. I am sure both of you have some resentment towards each other, right? Why not let one of the counselors help you sort it out, even if it is only to help prep you both for a divorce?


----------



## watson1314

He also puts me down and cracks jokes in front of others. And talks open about our sex life as it is one big joke. 
He refuses to play outside with our son because he says its too hot, he stays inside and plays on his xbox.
He is always grabbing at my breast and other places and making sexual comments. Even in front of others, even my mom.
He was drunk once and my parents were in town and we were all watching a movie and my mom got up to get something and he told her to sit down and shut the F up.
He makes fun of parts of my body.


----------



## DawnD

I am not by any means saying you have to stay together, all I am saying is that maybe seeking counseling will at least give you both a chance to bring all the issues to light, and make the process of divorcing easier for both of you. It sounds pretty much like you just want out and want everyone to tell you to leave. You can, no one will tell you that you have to stay. But if you wanted honesty, I think you should see a counselor. Pound everything out, truly know if it is too damaged to repair that way you can walk away knowing you did all you could. Closure.


----------



## watson1314

I have and he wont go. He was in anger management before he deployed even and he stopped going. I was military and do understand ptsd and alot about the military. He was like this before he ever left. And he did not have a difficult deployment at all!!! He stated how bored he was all the time. He spent most of his time in his room. Sleeping, playing games, and watching tv


----------



## DawnD

I was also military honey, but you don't know anything about PTSD unless you have had it. I was in for 6 years and barely scratched the surface of all there is.

I am not under the impression that your H has it, I was only stating that the same kind of nonsense came out of my husband due to when he had it. I can sympathize with the comments and overall shi*** behavior.


----------



## watson1314

Such as we made plans to go to church tomorrow, and right now he is at a friends house getting drunk. 

I want nothing more than to stay as a family. I have been trying so hard to make it work. I feel as if im putting in all the effort. Im not looking for anyone to tell me to go. I have plenty of people already telling me that. Friends, my family, even his own sister. I just thought maybe i could get some advice from people that did not know us personally.


----------



## DawnD

I can understand that, but you seem to not want to hear any advice LOL. I am not telling you to go to counseling because its the only option. But if you want to give it all you can, get it lined up and go. Go to individual counseling as well, just to get yourself straight with all that is going on. Lay it down for him. I want marriage counseling, if you refuse to go I want a divorce. Obviously, you should make sure you can afford to file/etc before laying it out there, but make it crystal clear that it is required at this point. If the counseling changes nothing, you know you tried everything you could, but the relationship was just too damaged.


----------



## watson1314

I wasnt trying to make as if i didnt want advice because i do. I actually have an appt next week with a counselor. And yes i need to lay it out and get him to go....or else. Thank you for you honesty. It was and is very much appriciated. Tonight just sent me over the edge. We had just had a talk last night about working on us.....and then he decided to leave and party.


----------



## DawnD

I know, and it sucks to be put last in someones life. Been there, done that, got several Tshirts. My H had the same kind of issues, where change never came. But the best thing you can do for yourself right now is get counseling, find out from your counselor any steps you can take to make a transition easier for your baby IF/WHEN you do split. Get it all sorted out so if or when you do walk away, you walk away whole.


----------



## Syrum

I think hos behaviour towards you needs to be addressed separatly to your affair.

Your affair was wrong, hands down, not the thing to do, and hopefully you have learned from that and will never make that mistake again.


Separately, he is abusive to you, he was before the affair and he is now. A real man loves and respects his wife, he does not make decisions or base his behaviour on what people outside the marriage will think of him.

I think you should both go to counseling, and I don't think you should stay with him, the things he is doing to you are not OK, and saying things to or around your child are very damaging.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Syrum said:


> I think hos behaviour towards you needs to be addressed separatly to your affair.
> 
> Your affair was wrong, hands down, not the thing to do, and hopefully you have learned from that and will never make that mistake again.
> 
> 
> Separately, he is abusive to you, he was before the affair and he is now. A real man loves and respects his wife, he does not make decisions or base his behaviour on what people outside the marriage will think of him.
> 
> I think you should both go to counseling, and I don't think you should stay with him, the things he is doing to you are not OK, and saying things to or around your child are very damaging.


I agree with this wholeheartedly.
You should definitely get counseling for yourself.
Are you connected with joint services support and military onesource web sites? If not, go there and get registered. They will also have information or can get you information regarding divorce, custody, support, etc. There are even free materials: books and CDs and videos (for yourself and even your child) for all kinds of issues. Not as a substitute for inpatient therapy.

It sounds like your H is abusive and will not go to therapy because he doesn't want to be told he is abusive and it has nothing to do with PTSD. If he doesn't get a rule-out then he can keep playing the card of tough man with PTSD who is afraid of therapy and playing your guilt to make you keep trying harder. You're not his keeper. He can certainly meet you halfway in your marriage. As you said, he was abusive before deployment, and I'm guessing that's his true character.

This was the case with mine. People will tell you what a horrible person you are for cheating and people will also tell you what a horrible person you are for divorcing a guy who has deployed to fight for his country or whatever. Well, guess what, we ARE the country. What's the point of fighting for liberty and freedom and human rights and democracy and liberation of oil and a fat paycheck (oops I mean fighting for other people's rights in repressed countries) when you can't even establish it in your own home. 

Take the man out of the uniform and see how he holds up.


----------



## Uptown

Sara, I agree with Homemaker that your H's abusive behavior does not sound like PTSD. The behavior you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, blaming you for every misfortune, and lack of impulse control -- are several classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether his traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD is a determination only a professional can make. It nonetheless is easy to spot strong BPD traits when they occur because there is nothing subtle about them. 

I therefore suggest you read more about them to see if your H exhibits most of the nine BPD traits. Granted, if that is the case, you will not be able to fix him in any way. Only he can do that. You will, however, have a much better understanding of what you are up against. You would know, for example, that it is a problem that he brought into the marriage (from early childhood). And you would know that it is rare for a man suffering from strong BPD traits to stay in therapy long enough to get better.

If you would like to read a brief overview of such traits, I suggest you read my description of them in Blacksmith's thread. My three posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. If that description rings a bell and you have questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to professional articles that can. Take care, Sara.


----------



## DawnD

No one has suggested her husband has PTSD, so I am trying to figure where you guys are getting this from.


----------



## Uptown

Sorry, Dawn, we were only reacting to PTSD having been discussed in three separate posts. You are correct, of course, that nobody suggested Sara's H has PTSD. Indeed, you concluded that he does not.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

In the military, someone usually assumes that anyone who has deployed has PTSD when they get home if they act like that. So it's important to say, okay, this is not PTSD. Just so she doesn't get pounced on for divorcing a guy who's messed up because of honest wartime injury (head injury or PTSD).


----------



## prototype1007

DawnD said:


> I was also military honey, but you don't know anything about PTSD unless you have had it. I was in for 6 years and barely scratched the surface of all there is.
> 
> I am not under the impression that your H has it, I was only stating that the same kind of nonsense came out of my husband due to when he had it. I can sympathize with the comments and overall shi*** behavior.


Hey, I must say that I too share your story. I too cheated on my husband, but like you his behavior was the same prior to me screwing up. I took responsibility for what I did, but it seems that my husband too likes to blame me when his temper gets out of hand an HE decides to say things that he shouldnt. To people who suggest counseling, it is sometimes impossible to get this kind of person to go to counseling. it is in their mind that there is nothing wrong with them and their actions are someone else's fault. The thing to do is really to remove yourself from the situation, or wait for him to see something wrong with himself and change. You can do nothing to make him see it. 

Sadly, I grew up in a house where the same thig took place. My father was a COL who had several deployment affairs, and my mother stayed by his  side through it all. And oh by the way, it is total BULL**** to say that no one knows about PTSD until theyve had it. I was around this for a majority of my childhood and teenage years. This is something that someone should be counseled for. no one can relate to someone with ptsd without being exposed to the same things. but not seeking counseling is selfish, and affects everyone in your family. especially if you are a parent. This PTSD is the reason why my dad is not healthy til this day. It should be something that you want to not affect those around you with. afterall, who chose the career path that you have. (yourself).

I did do counseling with my husband for a while, but you want to be careful with recieving counseling in the military. They will keep tabs on it, and anything that is said wrong, can result in dischargement. Although you did cheat on him, just like i did. He chose to still be with you, so this means that there is no reason as to why that should ever be used against you. If it is, then he should have spoken up about it when you confessed to the affair. 

After a while, this robs any woman of her confidence, and any dreams hope or faith that she has in herself. It is not healthy and some people cant handle this type of fight. Its hard to keep waiting and hope that someone will fix themselves. But it is truely worth it if they do ever change. 

I tell my husband all the time that in order for conversations to not lead to arguments, both husband and wife have to examine all situations from both husband and wife perspectives. This works. There is less cruel words from his part. It still does not solve the situation. I have no idea how to solve the situation, but whatever i fund to help, i will share with you. Good luck sweetie, I will keep you in my prayers.


----------



## prototype1007

I forgot to mention that i actually cheated prior to us getting married. just a few months before we got married. 

It may or may not be PTSD, thats just a label given to alot of people who come back from deployment. The reality of the whole thing is that being deployed you see and go through alot, it is never good news to hear that your spouse has been unfaithful. I think that brushing off ptsd and still considering things that he may have experienced, you should be okay with dealing with this situation.


----------



## DawnD

prototype1007 said:


> Sadly, I grew up in a house where the same thig took place. My father was a COL who had several deployment affairs, and my mother stayed by his side through it all. And oh by the way, it is total BULL**** to say that no one knows about PTSD until theyve had it. I was around this for a majority of my childhood and teenage years. .


Sorry honey, being around a dad who had PTSD and experiencing it are two seperate things. You don't KNOW about PTSD, you know about your dad and some things he went through with his. I have talked with countless veterans and even a few POW's and they will all tell you that. You are basically saying "since I watched a video of a woman giving birth I have experienced it" . Sorry, nope


----------

