# Men's perspective



## ScaredWoman (Jan 21, 2013)

Hello Men,

I need a male's perspective on my husbands mindset and i need to be assured of a few things.

First off: Sex Addiction Real or an Excuse?

My husband has been using craigslist sex section for the last 3 years (our entire marriage) off and on every few months. It happened anytime we got into a fight I'd find text or emails from other girls about wanting ot have sex with him or such that he had sent them for the same. When I would bring it up to him he would say it was my fault he was so angry to do it . Every time i would forgive him and let him back into my heart and bed only to be broken again in a few months. I have two children from this man, and he was sending these emails the day i went into the hospital to give birth to my baby girl who is now 3 months. He says it is an addiction, but it's been three years and he has not once tried to see someone to help him with it. He says he loves me and the family and that it is not us but i find that hard to believe. Is it really his addiction or Is he just unfaithful and useless?

Second: I Left...Is he thinking about me?

After the latest event with the craigslist and listening to him once more assure me he wasn't actually sleeping with people I left him. Taking my two children, I went to my cousin's house. He calls his son nightly but he has not texted, called, or emailed me even a hello. I love my husband so of course, i want him to say he misses me. He is now living with his ex. fiancee and her new husband , they throw lots of parties at their home. All I can think is that he is with them having fun and I'm stuck taking care of his two children. 

Third: Will he really change? or should I file for divorce?

He doesn't pay any kind of support towards them we are living off the state at the moment. He keeps telling people he's gonna start conceling and then that he didn't want our marriage to end up this way. Is the saying once a cheater always a cheater true? He says if the tables were turned he would have left me the first time and never looked back. Does that show i'm weak since i've forgiven him every time before?

someone give me a little advice:scratchhead:


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think you know the answer. But here's my take...your husband is a creep / deadbeat. Don't see you having too many options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

First off: It doesn't really matter if it's an addition or excuse, what matters is that he is not actively taking steps to eliminate this behavior. 

Second: He probably thinks you'll eventually forgive him like you always do, so he may as well party on and enjoy himself while he waits for it.

Third: You can hope he wants to change, but don't live your life waiting for it. File. Get support so you and your kids have a decent life. If he wants to get back with you, he should have to earn it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My perspective is that your husband is walking all over you.
He hasn't texted or called you since you left, and he's out partying.

He might also be a sex addict.

You are way too young to for his abusive behaviour.
My feeling is that if you go back with him , your relationship would get worse, and things might get ugly, even physically abusive.

Take care of your kids and yourself.


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## ScaredWoman (Jan 21, 2013)

Thank you all so far. You've been ery helpful to me and I will take what you have said seriously.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm with Acorn. It does not matter what the reason is for his behavior, his behavior is not acceptable. He is not seeking any kind of professional help nor changing his behavior.

The reason he treats you like this: You let him!

Yeah it is pretty harsh but it is true. The first time he did it you did not know. Once you knew and did not set a firm boundary it becomes not your fault he does it but it is your fault you stay with him and enable him to continue doing it while married.

My personal opinion is that he has a very big character flaw which is not going to be fixed by you loving him or even by a little bit of therapy. I doubt he will ever change. I think you should file for divorce. You deserve better than him.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

There are guys out there that will treat you with love, kindness, and respect. You deserve that... and the children deserve a father figure that demonstrates those characteristics.

Cut your losses and move forward.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I have heard there is such a thing as sex addiction. I don't believe he is truly addicted. I believe he's using it as an excuse to justify his unacceptable behaviour. 

He should definately be paying support. Particularly, if he's not doing his share to care for the children. 

As an aside, I have to wonder what his ex-fiancee's partner is thinking allowing him in the house, particularly considering his difficulty with boundaries. Not your problem...it just struck me as odd.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Sex addiction, sure whatever. 

He is currently living with his ex fiancé and her husband and partying it up. Your living on welfare (apparently he has no job) and he isn’t contributing to the raising of your children – financially or otherwise?

So the upside of having this deadbeat in your life, and more importantly the lives of your children, is what exactly?

Put the transmission in drive and get on with you life. This fellow is a waste of your time.


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## Nunya Biznas (Jan 23, 2013)

I read your story on the woman's side first and my reaction to the replies you've been getting there was, "Holy crap! What's with these heartless women?" 

Now I see you asking the guys for their opinion and I expected some better advice but I'm shocked that they are even more jaded than the women.

Seems no one is willing to offer you any help. You are a young mother of two very small children and the best anyone can tell you is that you need to kick your husband and the father of your babies to the curb and face the future alone...and force your little ones into a distant relationship with their father. That makes me so sad.

Please remember that many of the people on this site have been hurt very badly by their spouses and still remain very bitter over it all. Many of them have chosen to end their relationships and believe this to be the best way to end the pain. For many of them that is probably true. But it hasn't stopped them from being angry and bitter and so I must ask you...do you want to be as angry and bitter as they are? 

Many of those relationships could have been saved however with more understanding, caring, and forgiveness. But sometimes that is a very, *very* hard position to take when *you're* the one who's being wronged! "You treat me with disrespect and hurt me and *I'm* the one who needs to work harder to save our marriage!? Up yours!!" But there's a question that needs to be asked at a time like this...would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

I think sex addiction is real. Whether it's a real physical addiction or just a compulsion or even just a really bad habit...I know for a fact that it is real. That doesn't mean that you need to simply live with the consequences. Like any addiction, it needs to be treated. And also like most addictions, it's an escape. An escape from pain, an escape from frustration, an escape from reality. A wife and kids and all the obligations that come along with it can be very stressful to a young man. (not an excuse, just an explanation)

Considering your husband's situation I tend to think that perhaps his problem is less a sex addiction and more a matter of validation. He's young enough (I'm guessing, you never actually stated his age) that he probably still feels the need to prove himself. He needs to prove to himself that he's still desirable, that he's still a stud! He needs to prove to himself that he didn't just settle when he married you. He needs to prove to himself that he's not missing out. But how does a married man with kids prove these things? By going on craigslist and finding women who say they want to be with him of course. And that's wrong and very, very dangerous because the validation that he hopes to find by doing this will never come to him. You can't get the validation he's seeking from outside of yourself. And so he'll keep looking for it, pushing things farther and farther until he's finally gone way too far.

I don't think leaving him was the best choice. Any pain or frustration that he may have been feeling is only going to be worse now. I'm know he's thinking about you, of course he is! You're his sweetheart. If he hasn't spoken to you it's most likely only because he's angry and hurt. Feeling rejected.

I think divorce is a dirty word. I've been divorced myself but I still think it's a word that should never, ever be mentioned in a marriage that still has any hope. Once you start saying that word it becomes more of an option. And once you start considering the divorce option it begins killing your chances of making the marriage work. Not to mention that it's a very, very hurtful word to hear coming out of your sweetheart's mouth. We all do stupid things when we feel that kind of hurt. Such as saying something stupid like, "You want a divorce? Fine by me!" Of course a reply like that is just as hurtful and will elicit a response that's just as hurtful in return. Back and forth etc, etc. I've heard of couples getting divorced even though neither one of them actually wanted it. Just got caught up in the back and forth all the way to court. They sometimes get remarried to each other but often not. How sad.

I think your situation simply calls for some tough love. In the past perhaps you've been loving but not tough enough. Now it seems like you are being plenty tough but maybe not quite loving enough. I really don't know all your details and am just taking my best guess. If you love this man and you believe that he loves you, if you want to keep your family and your future alive I think you need to somehow get him back into your arms. I'm not saying that you give him a get-out-of-jail-free card, but I think he needs to be with the only person other than himself who can help him with his insecurities. I agree with you that he shouldn't be allowed to continue his destructive behavior without any consequences. I think those consequences should be strongly based out of love and should promote positive change. Guiding rather than punishing. 

He told you that in your position he would have walked a long time ago? That's his way of telling you that he understands why you're upset and doesn't blame you for your anger. I'm sure he hasn't appreciated your anger and probably has reacted negatively to it but still sounds like he doesn't quite blame you for it either. In short...he's ashamed. One of the bad things about feeling shame is that it drives you deeper into your negative behavior. He needs help.

You also say he's mentioned counseling? That's a great idea if you can somehow manage it. If cost is an issue or finding a counselor who's not a quack or some other reason makes counseling difficult I would suggest that you find some good marriage books and read them together.

I'll end this with some suggested reading. There is a technique used to help in situations like yours called simply Plan A and Plan B. It was developed by a marriage counselor named Dr Harley for cases of infidelity but I think that your situation comes close enough that it could really help you as well. You'll notice when you read about Plan A/Plan B that you have jumped straight to Plan B even though it is only supposed to be a final desperate resort. He explains the plans here:
What Are Plan A and Plan B?
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. has written a few books that would be very helpful to any marriage and I encourage you to look him up the next time you are at the book store.

I really wish you the best. You are just starting out in life and although you are learning that it can be difficult I want you to know that it can also be very fulfilling. We could all use as much help and encouragement as we can get. Good luck!


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