# How should I perceive this?



## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and have heard good things about it. So straight to the point. 

Today is my wife's birthday. So of course, I expect that
she will get emails/texts from her friends. But I saw a text from an international number from a man that she used to date years ago. The message had no real sexual innuendo to it. Pretty much telling her that he knew that she was asleep but he wished her a happy birthday and hoped that she had a great day. Now I don't know if I am overreacting or if this is something to raise a brow to. She was with this guy on and off for a while. She was crazy about him at one point and he tried REALLY hard to get back with her when they broke up. She didn't get back with him because at that point, she was with me and was not going to break things off with me for him. (we were engaged at the time). They had a lot of chemistry and connection. But now he has moved on and got married and so did she. The only connection they have is that they play some scrabble game online. I am bothered because 1 - He actually REMEMBERED her birthday and 2 - He actually sent her a text from wherever he is Europe to wish her a happy birthday. I feel like he may still harbor some feelings for her. What man does that small gesture for a "friend"? 

When I approached her about it, she was not defensive at all. She didnt know why he was sending her a message from Europe. She replied to him in front of me and said that she would share his answer from him with me. But she assured me that there is nothing at all to be concerned about. Am I overreacting? 

ANY feedback is appreciated.

*Troll Thread -Amp*


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Probably nothing, but I would be more concerned with her playing games with him on the internet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I assume everything happened through facebook. Simple approach is to explain to the wife that you are uncomfortable with her being friends with this guy and that you will not tolerate her communicating with him again. Have her block him on FB and unfriended. Hopefully that will do it. 

Has your wife ever gave you any indication that she still has some residual feelings for this guy at all? Any red flags otherwise? No doubt the game those two played probably had a chat option where they could also catch up in addition to simply playing the game.


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

Yes. I expressed that to her. She showed me the games and conversations they've had as well. Also, she gave me the password to her phone. But still as a man, I don't know if this dude is still feeling on her. She likes gestures like that and he probably knows that.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Being concerned isn't overreacting. Accusing her of an affair would be overreacting.

Communicating with ex-lovers is dangerous territory. It's easy for harmless contact to escalate into something harmful. I would probably take this opportunity to tell her that you're concerned about his actions, you're unsure of his motivations, and you would appreciate her ending all contact with him.

Good luck.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

With social media, it's not hard to know when it's someone's birthday so that's probably how he "remembered". You and your wife appear to have good communication & you addressed it immediately & was good with the way she reacted. But you are still "reacting & bothered", so I would just have a nice sweet talk with her about the contact through the game playing on Internet. It's an open door that IMO just needs to be closed. That's a door neither of you want open if you all hit a rough patch in your marriage. Many a stories of old flames making troubled marriages more difficult especially during difficult times. 

Also, I as a wife, I would absolutely have no problem telling an ex, where children are not involved, that we shouldn't have any type of future contact in the best interest of my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I assume everything happened through facebook. Simple approach is to explain to the wife that you are uncomfortable with her being friends with this guy and that you will not tolerate her communicating with him again. Have her block him on FB and unfriended. Hopefully that will do it.
> 
> Has your wife ever gave you any indication that she still has some residual feelings for this guy at all? Any red flags otherwise? No doubt the game those two played probably had a chat option where they could also catch up in addition to simply playing the game.


She was honest with me. I give her that. She told me that some part of her _does_ have some kind of feelings for him since he treated her really well. But she also told me that she would cut him off and make sure that I *know* that he's cut off if I was bothered by it. She said she loves me and wouldn't want me to feel insecure about her. I am also bothered by the fact that she does still have ANY kind of feelings for him. She said - it is what it is but I chose you and I still choose you.


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

Eden1973 said:


> With social media, it's not hard to know when it's someone's birthday so that's probably how he "remembered". You and your wife appear to have good communication & you addressed it immediately & was good with the way she reacted. But you are still "reacting & bothered", so I would just have a nice sweet talk with her about the contact through the game playing on Internet. It's an open door that IMO just needs to be closed. That's a door neither of you want open if you all hit a rough patch in your marriage. Many a stories of old flames making troubled marriages more difficult especially during difficult times.
> 
> Also, I as a wife, I would absolutely have no problem telling an ex, where children are not involved, that we shouldn't have any type of future contact in the best interest of my marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't have a Facebook or social media. He remembered. 

I think I am going to ask her to have him stop communicating with her.


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Being concerned isn't overreacting. Accusing her of an affair would be overreacting.
> 
> Communicating with ex-lovers is dangerous territory. It's easy for harmless contact to escalate into something harmful. I would probably take this opportunity to tell her that you're concerned about his actions, you're unsure of his motivations, and you would appreciate her ending all contact with him.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you for the feedback. I think that's what I am going to ask her to do. The only thing, I have keep in touch with my ex that I was with for 7 years. She at first was bothered by it. But I explained that she was nothing more than a friend to me. So, she accepted it for what it is. I feel hypocritical but at the same time, I feel that his gesture is more than just a "gesture". Rather a way to get her attention. He too is married. But that doesn't seem to mean much to a lot of people these days.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If her ex has to go so should yours.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Whattodo74 said:


> Thank you for the feedback. I think that's what I am going to ask her to do. The only thing, I have keep in touch with my ex that I was with for 7 years. She at first was bothered by it. But I explained that she was nothing more than a friend to me. So, she accepted it for what it is. I feel hypocritical but at the same time, I feel that his gesture is more than just a "gesture". Rather a way to get her attention. He too is married. But that doesn't seem to mean much to a lot of people these days.


You feel it's hypocritical because it is hypocritical of you to stay in touch with your ex but you don't want her to. Trying to rationalize it by saying his "happy birthday" text is a "gesture" is just that - rationalizing. The text could also be characterized as "staying in touch", just like you and your ex. How do you stay in touch with her? Texts? Emails? Phone calls? Visits?


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

"I think that's what I am going to ask her to do. The only thing, I have keep in touch with my ex that I was with for 7 years. She at first was bothered by it. But I explained that she was nothing more than a friend to me. So, she accepted it for what it is. I feel hypocritical but at the same time, I feel that his gesture is more than just a "gesture". Rather a way to get her attention. He too is married. But that doesn't seem to mean much to a lot of people these days."

Wow, wow, wow. It came back to bite you & now you can see hopefully how your wife felt when she was "bothered." Wow! IMO, you open the door & you set the standard about ex's. She's been following your lead & has been very forth coming & sharing the communications with you. Now is a time to reevaluate the expectations in this area. And I agree with another poster if her's has to stop then so should yours. 

Another note, she can't control how he feels toward her or his gestures but she can stop receiving them. Just like you couldn't control if all of a sudden your ex who you are friends with desired to rekindle the old flame. Close ALL the doors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

norajane said:


> You feel it's hypocritical because it is hypocritical of you to stay in touch with your ex but you don't want her to. Trying to rationalize it by saying his "happy birthday" text is a "gesture" is just that - rationalizing. The text could also be characterized as "staying in touch", just like you and your ex. How do you stay in touch with her? Texts? Emails? Phone calls? Visits?



It was through Facebook when I had one, and texts. I didn't see anything wrong with it. I mean, there were times that we flirted but it was really harmless. I didn't want to do go any further with it. It just seems though that they have some sort of emotional connection. That's whats bothersome to me. I mean, he is sending her messages from Europe while he is traveling on vacation. That to me says alot. I never messaged any one while I was overseas, to say Happy birthday or anything like that.


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## gloriagloria (Aug 14, 2013)

Eden1973 said:


> "
> Wow, wow, wow. It came back to bite you & now you can see hopefully how your wife felt when she was "bothered." Wow! IMO, you open the door & you set the standard about ex's. She's been following your lead & has been very forth coming & sharing the communications with you. Now is a time to reevaluate the expectations in this area. And I agree with another poster if her's has to stop then so should yours.
> 
> Another note, she can't control how he feels toward her or his gestures but she can stop receiving them. Just like you couldn't control if all of a sudden your ex who you are friends with desired to rekindle the old flame. Close ALL the doors.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^ THIS. x10


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## gloriagloria (Aug 14, 2013)

Whattodo74 said:


> It was through Facebook when I had one, and texts. I didn't see anything wrong with it. I mean, there were times that we flirted but it was really harmless. I didn't want to do go any further with it. It just seems though that they have some sort of emotional connection. That's whats bothersome to me. I mean, he is sending her messages from Europe while he is traveling on vacation. That to me says alot. I never messaged any one while I was overseas, to say Happy birthday or anything like that.


I admit that I'm very jealous, but I don't see FB/text flirtation as harmless.
And proximity to the ex is irrelevant, or -- if anything -- *more* of a threat if a person is on the same continent as you. 

It's weird how we have this kind of dissonance//double standard. 
I think the way your wife handled it is great -- completely open and responding in front of you, etc.
I'm curious to know if you made your flirtations open to her.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Whattodo74 said:


> It was through Facebook when I had one, and texts. I didn't see anything wrong with it. I mean, there were times that we flirted but it was really harmless. I didn't want to do go any further with it. It just seems though that they have some sort of emotional connection. That's whats bothersome to me. I mean, he is sending her messages from Europe while he is traveling on vacation. That to me says alot. I never messaged any one while I was overseas, to say Happy birthday or anything like that.


Ha ha, are you pulling our leg & joking with us? Is this serious, really? You flirt with ex & it's ok & harmless cause "you" weren't interested. Your wife hasn't flirted & is basically not interested & been stellar at proving that to you but you are the one with the "issue." I'm confused!!

Have you told & shared with your wife that you flirted? She seems to have more reason to be "bothered" as you actively were "emotional" with your ex. Is that the issue? You know how far you've went & upset that another man can be the same way toward your wife? Are you projecting? 

In this day in age, we can communicate from the moon if that's where we are at any given point in time. Its not strange to me that he would say Happy Birthday while in another country. It's common given today's technology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

gloriagloria said:


> I admit that I'm very jealous, but I don't see FB/text flirtation as harmless.
> And proximity to the ex is irrelevant, or -- if anything -- *more* of a threat if a person is on the same continent as you.
> 
> It's weird how we have this kind of dissonance//double standard.
> ...


The thing is, he doesn't live over there. He is on vacation over there. So that's why it bothers me.


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## Whattodo74 (Sep 24, 2013)

Eden1973 said:


> Ha ha, are you pulling our leg & joking with us? Is this serious, really? You flirt with ex & it's ok & harmless cause "you" weren't interested. Your wife hasn't flirted & is basically not interested & been stellar at proving that to you but you are the one with the "issue." I'm confused!!
> 
> Have you told & shared with your wife that you flirted? She seems to have more reason to be "bothered" as you actively were "emotional" with your ex. Is that the issue? You know how far you've went & upset that another man can be the same way toward your wife? Are you projecting?
> 
> ...


She found the communication between my ex and I but I made good with that. I stopped it. Yeah she was hurt but that don't give anyone the license to go and do anything. I am not saying she is but I do have the right to be bothered since I am her husband. I didn't have all of these emotional connections with my ex. He clearly has a connection to my wife. He was trying to get back with her for years. So if I have feelings on the matter, its normal!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

*Troll Thread*


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Whattodo74 said:


> She found the communication between my ex and I but I made good with that. I stopped it. Yeah she was hurt but that don't give anyone the license to go and do anything. I am not saying she is but* I do have the right to be bothered since I am her husband.* I didn't have all of these emotional connections with my ex. He clearly has a connection to my wife. He was trying to get back with her for years. So if I have feelings on the matter, its normal!


Touche. Now you know how your wife felt.

Maybe your ex had/has emotional connections with you? What of it? If it's okay for you it's okay for your wife. You want her to trust you, you need to do the same thing. Otherwise, do what you ask your wife to do because you can't get past it.

You can't be as mature about this as your wife?


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Whattodo74 said:


> She found the communication between my ex and I but I made good with that. I stopped it. Yeah she was hurt but that don't give anyone the license to go and do anything. I am not saying she is but I do have the right to be bothered since I am her husband. I didn't have all of these emotional connections with my ex. He clearly has a connection to my wife. He was trying to get back with her for years. So if I have feelings on the matter, its normal!


So what's the ideal solution for you?

He can try & try & try until he's blue in the face, what matters is how she responds? From what you've posted your wife hasn't been dishonest, actually very open & honest. She can't control him or how he feels & neither can you. What you all can do from all this is learn the lesson & grow. Move into a stronger marriage with some enhanced boundaries in this area. For me, both parties would close all these types of doors & move forward in a stronger marriage with lessons learned. It's up to you. I wouldn't let him get under my skin as that just plays into his game "if" that what he's trying to do, divide & conquer. Don't let him but again that's up to you both. Again, you all can't control what he does but you can control your actions & how you respond. 

Let it go & communicate the expectation in a loving way .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I think a "Happy Birthday" message is pretty damned innocent and even worrying about it is excessively paranoid. If I am reading your messages correctly, your wife has given you zero reasons to suspect her of cheating.

Seriously, on the scale of things to worry about in life, this one should be pretty darned low on the list of priorities.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> *Troll Thread*


Hmmm. Interesting. Reading it for the fist time today it seemed legit. What was the tip off? Just curious.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thunder7 said:


> Hmmm. Interesting. Reading it for the fist time today it seemed legit. What was the tip off? Just curious.



We have an app!


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Ah ha! Isn't technology grand. Didn't know divining rods worked on computers.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> *Troll Thread*


HAHA Awesome, with the edit on the first post.

Thanks Amp


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Amp, so why isn't this locked then? Trying to troll the gullible? :lol:


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