# Help? How do I ask to separate?



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

I am believing that after numerous counselling sessions over 3-4 years, talking to our family Dr. about the issues, seeing a counsellor individually and talking to family and friends... it's time for me and my hubby to separate.

About us: together for 8 years, married 5, 2 kids (1 together, 1 step), own a house and both are employed full time. We live far from my family and this is his home town.

How do I say this? I tried with a note before (he walked out on us and came home to pack up some stuff so I knew he'd find it on the stairs) and he talked me out of it.

After countless arguments, frustration, and disrespect, our children are all we have in common these days. He's demonstrating hatred and anger towards me and I can't live like this anymore.

How would or how did you end your marriage? 

(Note: Where we live, we can't just file for divorce, you have to legally separate for a year first, so it's the first step.)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Aquajay: I'm so very sorry that it has come to this and that there is no hope in saving your relationship.

Apparently, you tried once and was summarily talked out of it! Once you initiate the separation, what is your gameplan, exactly? To stay there for as long as the divorce takes to finalize, or to immediately move back to where it is where that your family is located?

If you can answer that, them it might provide us with just a little more insight in how you might safely break the news to him. In any event, because of his past episodes of aborant behavior, I might be so bold as to suggest to you to tell him inside of a planned counseling session with either your MC or IC, or even a pastor ~ that has been already clued in as to what it is that your true intentions are.

IMHO, a competent witness is necessary!*


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Thx for your reply... To answer your questions, I don't have a game plan all figured out. I would have to pursue legal advise of course as there's a lot to sort out. We'd have to do a lot of work to sell our house & I have limited options as to alternate places to go/stay. I work partly from home & my job is here so I'm unable to relocate cities. 

I don't have anyone to "be there" to witness as he refuses to return back to counselling. 

I feel stuck!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Aqujay,

There is so much to uncoupling. It takes a while to figure it all out. I would suggest start reading and educate yourself on what it will take to do so. Start to prepare as much as you can. Join a separation group and talk things over with others. Maybe even go to those coaching programs. 

Start there for yourself. 

~sammy


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm curious as well, what is the ultimate goal of a possible separation? In my mind, the only purpose of a separation is to take that time apart because the emotions are too heated and volatile to effectively repair the marriage while living together, and indeed the ultimate hope is that the marriage will be healed.

I see a lot of scenarios though where a spouse says that they want a separation or feel that separating would be best, but what they really want in truth is a divorce. In those cases, I think it's best to just go straight to the divorce and not drag it out longer than it need be or be deceptive about it.

Another note worth adding, regardless of what you ask for, doing so can often become a wake-up call for your spouse if he has been avoiding or in denial regarding his issues for a long time, maybe feeling like everything would work itself out, or you would get over it, or that you aren't really serious, etc. A separation or divorce separation can clear up that misunderstanding real quick, and sometimes produce positive results.


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

I found this article helpful:

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ooooo...do like my ex did and wait until I'm at work and do it via email.

That will set the tone...


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

Hi there,

As a counselor I have helped many couples discuss separation. Some couples have even come to counselling to have final conversations to end the relationship in dignity. So do not give up on counselling, it can still be a useful service in providing the structure and support you need, to have difficult conversations. The counselling goals just change from help us stay together- to help us separate.
All the best


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## daisybush (Jan 16, 2015)

I think if you really think its enough and you cant keep your partner happy and you really wana separate dont think too much just relief your self in this relation and let your partner live life by her own.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Ooooo...do like my ex did and wait until I'm at work and do it via email.
> 
> That will set the tone...


*Do what my rich, skanky XW did and call your hubby into the study, and tell him that you need a "trial separation." And then immediately hit the road for yet another "road trip" of many to go lay one of two of your Facebook BF's that your poor old H doesn't even have the first damned clue about ~ and will not have for nearly a year into the separation!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Meltherapist said:


> Hi there,
> 
> As a counselor I have helped many couples discuss separation. Some couples have even come to counselling to have final conversations to end the relationship in dignity. So do not give up on counselling, it can still be a useful service in providing the structure and support you need, to have difficult conversations. The counselling goals just change from help us stay together- to help us separate.
> All the best


*Nothing personally directed at you, Meltherapist, but just as long as the MC is playing fair with the couple as a whole; working the richer spouse against the poor one(nearly always siding in their favor), primarily because the rich one pays all of their joint counseling bills!*


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

My ex wanted to be single again so she just started running the bars, leaving me our two young sons, coming home late, not talking, sleeping on the couch, everything she could do to get me to leave. When I kept trying to work on things with her, this made her madder, so she resorted to the one thing that would "get" me, she cheated. That did the trick. I waited one night, when she was out with the kids, left a note that said "You Win, enjoy your life" and when she arrived home, every trace of me was gone. She had been talking to a lawyer friend of hers prior, so she was going to divorce me anyway. This way I avoided a nasty confrontation & saved myself from more emotional hurt. Thankfully our boys were too young to remember anything. Our state also said we had to be living separately before actual filing too. Our dissolution wasn't until 6 months later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want out, just get out. Don't play games, don't 'threaten' leaving to 'get him' to go back to counseling. Move out, and if he wants you enough, he'll start listening for the year before divorce is final.


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