# just found out about infidelity in the past



## anza (Feb 23, 2014)

Wife is an alcoholic who has been in treatment this past week. Years of heavy drinking with deceit, lies, etc. I read a message that she sent to a friend about an affair in the past. Confronted her today. She confessed that four years ago she had sex with an old boyfriend. Still maintains an online gaming connection. 

Two children, 15 and 14. Mom's alcohol has made me a central part of things in the family. 

Says it was once only and she felt terrible and it was a mistake. 

I feel like an idiot for one and yet Mom's sobriety is important. 

Thoughts?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

What did the message to this friend say? Did it contain an ounce of remorse? Bragging? Matter of fact? What did it read like?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

What kind of treatment? AA? If so you can deal with the infidelity as part of the atonement aspect of the 12 steps (could well have been alcohol-fueled, right?). For now focus on seeing that she stays on program, especially for the kids' sake.


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## anza (Feb 23, 2014)

verpin zal said:


> What did the message to this friend say? Did it contain an ounce of remorse? Bragging? Matter of fact? What did it read like?


Remorse in the message to the friend. Ambivalence about the marriage -- "who knows about our marriage" or something like that. 

I don't think this was a long term affair. Drinking has been more of the problem. But alcoholics are practiced at deceit. She kept this secret for years, presumably.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

anza said:


> Remorse in the message to the friend. *Ambivalence* about the marriage -- "who knows about our marriage" or something like that.
> 
> If this is her attitude toward the marriage then her drinking is not your only problem.
> 
> ...


How do you know it was not a long term affair you should assume nothing at this point if she has a long time problem with drinking then there could be a long list of alcohol induce indiscretion time to start investigating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is still in contact with him the affair isn't over. How old is she? How old are your kids?

Unfortunately, what we see here is if they admit to one time, its probably a dozen or more.

She was telling her friend how sorry she had an affair, how did she word it?

How did she explain being ambivalent to the marriage and how did that relate to her talking abut the affair?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do you know the OM?

Have you told his wife?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Alchoholic - Check
Online Gamer - Check
Cheated - Check

Not sure what you are looking for, but I for one would be moving on and finding a better quality wife for myself. And bringing the kids along with me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are not an idiot. You will be an idiot if she does not shut down all her social media connections to include those gaming sites, immediately. 

You will be an idiot if she allowed to have futhrer contact with this or any other former BF.

Getting sober is important and if she follows the program then ending those relationships with toxic people should be part of it.

Part of her recovery will include being responsible for past wrongs and not excusing it due to being drunk.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

anza said:


> Mom's alcohol has made me a central part of things in the family.


How long has she been an alcoholic?

Either she reforms or it's a no-win situation for your family.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

anza said:


> Wife is an alcoholic who has been in treatment this past week. Years of heavy drinking with deceit, lies, etc. I read a message that she sent to a friend about an affair in the past. Confronted her today. She confessed that four years ago she had sex with an old boyfriend. Still maintains an online gaming connection.
> 
> Two children, 15 and 14. Mom's alcohol has made me a central part of things in the family.
> 
> ...


Do not be an emotional hostage to her weaknesses. 

If she is a cheater and a boozer, there is not much there for you, honestly.

You can remain central to your children's happiness without being married to her.

If she has continued contact with that person then the affair continues.

I doubt the full truth has been given to you.

If I were you I would consult with a lawyer to find out what your options are.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Don't confuse her alcoholism with her infidelity. They are separate issues and one is not related to the other.

Right now you have to deal with her cheating and she needs to accept the consequences for that. If you decide to R, and she demonstrates remorse; *then* you can focus on her addiction.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

anza said:


> Says it was once only and she felt terrible and it was a mistake.


Then why does she maintain a connection with him? Doesn't matter if its for gaming. If it was one time and she truly feels bad, then its inappropriate for her to have ANY kind of contact with him. 

Its not a mistake. She wanted another man's d!ck in her and she got it. That's not a mistake.

So what is it you want to do? If you stay with her, then she needs to drop him from this gaming connection or any other connection. And I bet that isn't the only connection she has with him either.

Two, if you stay with her. Then she needs to show you it won't happen again. A temporary self imposed house arrest for starters since she has proven she can't be trusted when away from you.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Has she only been in treatment for a week or did I misunderstand?

What else was she deceitful about or did she lie about?

If she feels so bad, why is she still gaming with him 4 years later? 

How often and when exactly does she game with him? 

Does she email/text him? Have you checked?

She was ambivalent about your marriage? Have you asked her about that?

Her alcoholism is no excuse for cheating. How many of us got drunk but didn't cheat? 

You have been the main caregiver of the family.

All in all it sounds as if you are getting the rough end of the pineapple.


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

I feel your pain and have you in my prayers. I share this not to condemn, offend or judge but to equip, encourage and comfort you with the knowledge to help you overcome as it helped me overcome.

Here are some truths about EA/PA and looking at pornography? 
Exodus 20:14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.(Kissing, Oral or PA)

Math. 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman(man) to lust after her(him) hath committed adultery with her(him) already in his(her) heart(EA)

Malachi 2:16 16*“I hate divorce,” says the*Lord*God…

How do we heal? – WS confessing the full truth of the infidelity and Mat 6:33 ..seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. – Own and confess your part of the problem in your marriage.

Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
1Pe 4:8 *Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since*love covers a multitude of sins. Jas 5:20 let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering*will save his soul from death and*will cover a multitude of sins.
1. Nothing changes until you change it. 
I nearly killed myself trying to "love" my wife out of the affair. All it did was give her more power over me, and deepen my own pain. Nothing changed until I said "Here are your divorce papers, here are the rules for reconciliation. Pick one" and then stick to the rules and enforce them. Don't wait for your spouse to come to their senses. If you want them back, fight for them. 

2. Nothing can ever be the same. 
I am not the same, she is not the same. The marriage is different. Better in some ways, but with huge scars. There is no going back, no matter how much you crave it

3. No-one else will respect you until YOU do. 
Infidelity is shattering. It destroys yourself respect. Sooner or later you have to remember that you are worth more than this. You didn't do anything wrong. You were faithful. You can hold your head up high. Once you can hold your head up high people look at you differently. But then once you hold your head up high you don't NEED them to look at you differently.

4. Winning back your cheating spouse is half the battle. 
You have to fight to win back a spouse. You have to rip them kicking and screaming out of the affair. Use VARs, Keyloggers, PIs, whatever resources you have and don't ever let up. However, if you DO win them back, sooner or later you realize you have won back an emotional mess that wasn't worth fighting for. The journey to become something worth fighting for is now up to them.

5. Reconciliation is hard.
The early months of reconciliation of extremely hard. You don't trust anything. You have to think of a reason to stay every time you wake up. It gets better.

7. It's ok to not make it. 
Even now, a year down the line, I sometimes contemplate "is this worth it". If I ever come to the conclusion "no", I'll be ok with that. I was a mess when I came to this site, but eventually remembered the strong man I am. I will be ok. I THINK this marriage will be great. I HOPE it will be great. But if it's not, well that's ok too.

But it is like a 1st degree burn, it takes a long time to heal. Has to be constantly be cleaned, treated very sensitively and watched close for infection. When it does heal it leaves the burned area numb and scared for life. Just because forgiveness is given and a person heals, we still have to deal with the aftermath of the consequences.


2Pe 2:14-15 (the WS)Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: 15 Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray…

Matthew 6:24“No one can*serve*two*masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted*to*the one and despise the other.” – The WS cannot serve(love) you and the OP.


Romans 12:19-21
19*Beloved,*never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,*“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”*20*To the contrary,*“if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”*21*Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good


Heb 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but *****mongers and adulterers God will judge.


God Commands us to be sexually active with our spouse. It is a sin and wrong not to have regular sex according to God’s word below. 

1 Corinthians 6:2-39
2*But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.*3*The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.*4*For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.*5*Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,*so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Eph 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: 
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Rom 8:28 And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose

1Co 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as man can bear: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make also the way of escape, that ye may be able to endure it.

Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he hath been approved, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord promised to them that love him.


Last of all How to rebuild trust How to build (or rebuild) trust in your marriage. | DaveWillis.org

1. Don’t keep secrets.
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Your spouse should have a “master key” to every part of your life. Never have a conversation you wouldn’t want them to hear, view a website you wouldn’t want them to see or go someplace you wouldn’t want them to know about. Complete transparency is vital to building complete trust.
2. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness and trust are two different things. When you’ve been wronged, you should give forgiveness instantly (which is “Grace”), but you should give your trust slowly (which is “common sense!”). Forgiveness by it’s very nature cannot be earned; it can only be given. Trust by it’s very nature cannot be given; it can only be earned. Forgiveness has to come first and then grace can pave the way to restoration and renewed trust.
3. Don’t retaliate.
When we’ve been wronged, we usually have an urge to punish the person who wronged us. We want them to feel the pain that they have caused us, but this kind of thinking hurts everyone involved and damages trust even more. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies!”*When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, give clear and specific guidelines for how trust can be restored, but don’t punish the other person.
4. Be consistent.
When you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security and security eventually brings trust. We trust patterns of action more than we trust words.
5. Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms.
When an arm is broken, it has to be put in a cast to restrict its motion so it can have time to heal. When you’ve broken trust, you must be willing to temporarily give up certain freedoms and accept certain restrictions to allow time for healing. This is usually the most uncomfortable part of the process, but it’s vital.
6. Keep the Love alive.
The Bible says that, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” I love that picture of love being strong enough to cover our imperfections and fill in the cracks of our broken hearts. Keep loving each other and allow God to use the power of love and grace to bring wholeness and healing to your relationship.


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