# Husband Threatens to Leave Me or Tells Me to Leave



## Lavender&Lace

Over the course of this 16 year marriage my husband will tell me how tired of me he is. How tired of supporting me, of my "sponging" off him. How I don't make enough to support myself and when will I get a good enough job so that I can "stand on my own two feet". He says he wants to leave me (but hasnt yet) or he'll say that I should just leave because I contribute nothing and I don't do the housework properly anyway and he can do it all himself.

I'm so tired of hearing this, even if he's just angry and frustrated I'm tired of it and it's humiliating when he does it in front of our 4 children.

I think I should just leave, but I'm not sure how and if I should. My heart towards him has hardened and I feel after the last "trash session" something just snapped. I haven't spoken a word to him since Sunday. I want to leave but I don't have the money to do so. Not sure where to turn.

I don't want counselling I just want peace of mind and my self esteem back.


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## CallaLily

If you have some money saved up, then yes you should! Why in the world would you not? Don't stay for the kids either, because if you do, you are doing more damage to them by keeping them in that household listening to that mess your husband feeds you than if you just left. Is that what you want, to be apart of the damage being done?


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## anotherguy

You know what? This kind of post really, really makes me furious.  

I understand I am only getting one side of the story here... but...

Marriage is team effort. Lets see MR. Wonderful take care of four kids and see how much of a contribution it is. 

Im not even going to get into humiliating you in front of the kids. That is just wrong. Parents should NEVER undermine their spouse in front of the kids - there is no need of it. None whatsoever. 

Your husband, if I may be so bold.. sounds like a mean-spirited, insecure, controlling little man-wannabe. He is inflating his self-worth by tearing you down... which is the worst kind of cowardly behavior. It is totally disrespectful, and utterly reprehensible.

So. What do you do?

First of all - let me tell you.. being a mother of 4, you ARE contributing - and probably more than your fair share. Judging the contribution in a marriage by a paycheck is only a convenient way for an insecure putz to keep you 'in your place'. You say he says that he 'could do all the housework himself'. Has he? Ever? Has he ever done it while doing everything else that goes on in the house? Does he think that 4 kids are less demanding than having a 'boss' at a 'job'?

He sounds like a real, undilluted, festering a$$hole.

I suspect this has been going on forever (16 years+?), so not something you are going to change overnight. Before you do anything - let me ask you something - has he ever been physically abusive? If so than you need to think carefully about what you are doing here before taking any advice from knucklheads on an internet forum... like me.


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## synthetic

> I understand I am only getting one side of the story here


I don't think you do 

Slow down. Let's see if she can elaborate more on why the husband would say such stuff.

Lavender,

Can you go into some details?

How long have you been married? Are all 4 children from this marriage? What is the financial picture like? How about house chores? 

When did your husband start trash talking like that?

What is stopping you from getting a job and moving out?

How old are the kids?

Details please.


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## unbelievable

He wants you to be more ambitious and make more money? Cool! Go back to school and improve your education. It's his idea, so he can step up and take care of the kids while you study. He can help pay tuition. Once graduated, you'll get a better job. You will have other options so Mr. Wonderful will tread more softly. If he doesn't, you'll actually be in a position to walk and support yourself. This guy sounds really materialistic and abusive. I suspect that if you just filed for divorce, you couldn't count on regular financial support and you and the kids would suffer. Negotiations are best done from a seat of power and right now you don't sound like you're in a powerful position. If you have a computer and internet access, you can go to college, even from home. I finished two degrees in Iraq and my Masters when I got back home. After four kids, you could probably use a little adult mental exercise, anyway.


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## Lavender&Lace

Ok so some background:

We have been married for 16 years. I am 35 and he is 37 obviously we were very young when we married. We have 4 children together. They are 15, 11, 10, and 5. I have been pregnant/nursing much of the time. I've worked on and off part-time in admin jobs, or daycare centres, and did home daycare for a while. I currently work as a personal support worker (what you guys in the states call a CNA or Nurse's Aid). I work part-time at a nearby nursing home.

Most of the marriage my husband has been displeased with my lack of employment. I feel that he sees me as having a carefree/stress free life, while he stresses about bills etc.

He feels because he brings home the money he shouldn't have to do anything in the house (he actually said this). However, according to his standards I do a very bad job at home keeping. I'm also a bad wife, and I don't do enough to raise the kids right. 

He has said some downright mean and nasty things to me over the years and I have taken it and tried to do better. I have tried but I realize that there is nothing that I will ever be able to do to please him. I need to have some peace of mind and I need to save me 3 daughters and son from winding up in a marriage like mine one day....


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## Jellybeans

Tell him to stop his BS. That you won't tolerate it anymore and especially not in front of the kids. 

He's being unfair and a total d!ck. He's prob really unhappy with himself so he takes it out on you, like a true coward/bully. 

You've been in this for so long that it's become second nature to you. Not good. 

Stand up for yourself. Get a job. Save money. And if nothing changes, leave. 

Most people like him don't change. He's gotten used to you being his emotional punching bag and is unlikely to get away from that. It's very disrespectful. He sounds just like my exH: he was always threatening divorce and telling me to leave. One day I did.


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## In_The_Wind

Lavender&Lace said:


> Over the course of this 16 year marriage my husband will tell me how tired of me he is. How tired of supporting me, of my "sponging" off him. How I don't make enough to support myself and when will I get a good enough job so that I can "stand on my own two feet". He says he wants to leave me (but hasnt yet) or he'll say that I should just leave because I contribute nothing and I don't do the housework properly anyway and he can do it all himself.
> 
> I'm so tired of hearing this, even if he's just angry and frustrated I'm tired of it and it's humiliating when he does it in front of our 4 children.
> 
> I think I should just leave, but I'm not sure how and if I should. My heart towards him has hardened and I feel after the last "trash session" something just snapped. I haven't spoken a word to him since Sunday. I want to leave but I don't have the money to do so. Not sure where to turn.
> 
> I don't want counselling I just want peace of mind and my self esteem back.


I would have to take him up on his offer and leave


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## Gratitude

My girlfriends fiancee was like this. He would laugh at her, tell her she was nothing, looking after children isn't work and if she could actually go and earn as much as him then he might respect her.

Believe me, if you went out and earned twice as much as your husband I'm guessing he would find something else to cut you down on. There is no respect given to you for being a mother, a wife and housekeeper. He just doesn't want to give you any, and nothing you can do will change that. He is a verbal bully and it's great you realise what he is and you haven't bought into his words about yourself. You are here and realise what's going on. You know the words are not true. No one is perfect, but a partner supports you. Not belittles you. Do not let him take away your self esteem and dignity. It is yours, don't give it to me.

Call his bluff. Leave. Move in with family. Find assistance. Where there's a will there's a way. Don't resign yourself to a life, this one life you only have one shot at, being treated like you are nothing and being unhappy. He'll more than likely come after you. Then it's up to you to decide what you want to do. You can't change his actions, but you can change your reactions.


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## Jellybeans

Gratitude said:


> My girlfriends fiancee was like this.


What happened with them? Did he stop the behavior or did they break up? How is she now? 

I agree with Gratitude that if even if you weren't a housewife/homemaker, he'd find something else to b*tch about. If you worked all day long then he'd say you weren't doing much around the house/devoting enough time to the kids.


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## Jeff/BC

Like the "sex card", the "leaving card" is something I will tolerate only once. How you handle it is up to you.


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## Jellybeans

Jeff, What are the sex card and leaving cards?


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## Cherry

anotherguy said:


> You know what? This kind of post really, really makes me furious.
> 
> I understand I am only getting one side of the story here... but...
> 
> Marriage is team effort. Lets see MR. Wonderful take care of four kids and see how much of a contribution it is.
> 
> Im not even going to get into humiliating you in front of the kids. That is just wrong. Parents should NEVER undermine their spouse in front of the kids - there is no need of it. None whatsoever.
> 
> Your husband, if I may be so bold.. sounds like a mean-spirited, insecure, controlling little man-wannabe. He is inflating his self-worth by tearing you down... which is the worst kind of cowardly behavior. It is totally disrespectful, and utterly reprehensible.
> 
> So. What do you do?
> 
> First of all - let me tell you.. being a mother of 4, you ARE contributing - and probably more than your fair share. Judging the contribution in a marriage by a paycheck is only a convenient way for an insecure putz to keep you 'in your place'. You say he says that he 'could do all the housework himself'. Has he? Ever? Has he ever done it while doing everything else that goes on in the house? Does he think that 4 kids are less demanding than having a 'boss' at a 'job'?
> 
> He sounds like a real, undilluted, festering a$$hole.
> 
> I suspect this has been going on forever (16 years+?), so not something you are going to change overnight. Before you do anything - let me ask you something - has he ever been physically abusive? If so than you need to think carefully about what you are doing here before taking any advice from knucklheads on an internet forum... like me.


Now that you got so more to the story...  I agree with everything you wrote!


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## Jeff/BC

"Sex Card" -- in any way using sex as a bargaining chip, negotiation tactic, or weapon.

"Leaving Card" -- same thing... using the word "leaving" without the intent to actually leave.

This sort of thing is the nuclear weaponry of relationship fights. To my eye, they are so toxic that they must automatically be stopped or the relationship is over.


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## Jellybeans

I see. Thanks for explaining. And I agree with you that they are nuclear weapons and not something that should be used as a form of control/to manipulate in a relationship--they are DIRTY.


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## Cherry

Lavender&Lace said:


> Ok so some background:
> 
> We have been married for 16 years. I am 35 and he is 37 obviously we were very young when we married. We have 4 children together. They are 15, 11, 10, and 5. I have been pregnant/nursing much of the time. I've worked on and off part-time in admin jobs, or daycare centres, and did home daycare for a while. I currently work as a personal support worker (what you guys in the states call a CNA or Nurse's Aid). I work part-time at a nearby nursing home.
> 
> Most of the marriage my husband has been displeased with my lack of employment. I feel that he sees me as having a carefree/stress free life, while he stresses about bills etc.
> 
> He feels because he brings home the money he shouldn't have to do anything in the house (he actually said this). However, according to his standards I do a very bad job at home keeping. I'm also a bad wife, and I don't do enough to raise the kids right.
> 
> He has said some downright mean and nasty things to me over the years and I have taken it and tried to do better. *I have tried but I realize that there is nothing that I will ever be able to do to please him.* I need to have some peace of mind and I need to save me 3 daughters and son from winding up in a marriage like mine one day....


I would stop dead in my tracks - I would not touch a single dirty dish in the house, I would not vacuum one single inch of carpet, I would not wash a single article of clothing that belongs to your H, I would not scrub one more toilet if my H touches it with his azz, I would stop doing anything and everything around the house, why should you keep doing it, he's not going to be happy anyway. I would gladly hand my H the vacuum, the cleaners, the laundry detergent, etc... You get the idea.

Do you have somewhere else to go with your children? 

I'm sorry your H is like this and I hope you can find that peace you are searching for.


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## DanglingDaisy

I want to send you big *cyber hugs* Lavender&Lace :flowerkitty:

I get the feeling your partner has been trying to get you to leave for awhile...sounds like he's frustrated you're not getting the hint?rayI'm sure he's prayin') 

Stay strong-my partner is just as toxic and decided 14yrs ago no matter whether we're BOTH working full time making the same amount or not, he insists as the man all child rearing and housework is BENEATH HIM and how DARE I ask him to contribute! :scratchhead: 

My "guy" takes tantrums when I've tried creating boundaries and getting him to stop being so selfish and immature.

POINT IS PEOPLE(LIKE OUR HUSBANDS ESP)DO WHAT WORKS FOR THEM. INSULTING YOU AND MAKING YOU SUBMISSIVE IS HOW THEY TRY TO CONTROL AND GET WHAT THEY CHILDISHLY WANT-IT'S WORKING SINCE HE SEES THAT YOU ALLOW IT AND HAVE IN THE PAST. :FIREdevil::slap:

I suggest you make an exit plan NOW. Starty squirreling some money away,improve or get an education or find support buddies that can help you leave. Start looking into talking to a divorce lawyer and how you can leave with the kids...

In my personal experience with a man who's verbally toxic(turning to near physical 13yrs later)no matter how much I take people's advice and talk,get angry and try to change his behaviours by CHANGING MINE...he doesn't WANT to change BECAUSE HE'S YOUR CLASSIC ABUSER. He insists on treating me like trash-and right now,if he tried to say he LOVES ME SO MUCH!! Would get him an iron pan in the face:banghead:


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## Jellybeans

DanglingDaisy said:


> I get the feeling your partner has been trying to get you to leave for awhile...sounds like he's frustrated you're not getting the hint?rayI'm sure he's prayin')


Yeah it could that he's too much of a pvssy to end it so he does these things hoping you'll leave.

Either way, he is asking for it.

You deserve MUCH better, lady!


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## Jeff/BC

Jellybeans said:


> I see. Thanks for explaining. And I agree with you that they are nuclear weapons and not something that should be used as a form of control/to manipulate in a relationship--they are DIRTY.


Yes. I'm saddened actually that the sex card is routinely offered up as a viable tactic on this site... almost standard advice. The equivalent for me in my marriage would be deliberately withholding emotional contact from Carol as a way to alter her behavior. By the time I was reaching for that card I'd be thinking I should just call a lawyer instead.


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## Jellybeans

^ My ex did that all the time and it made me lose a LOT of love for him  (deliberately withheld emotional contact)--he wouldn't speak to me for days/weeks to spite me. UGH!


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## Jeff/BC

Jellybeans said:


> ^ My ex did that all the time and it made me lose a LOT of love for him  (deliberately withheld emotional contact)--he wouldn't speak to me for days/weeks to spite me. UGH!


Exactly. And then, had you come here and posted, I'm sure a bunch of folks would've told you to start withholding sex in return. It would be "obvious" to people that you should not be giving him what he wants since he's being such an ass to you. And now you've got two people each withholding key nurturing from each other. I remain mystified as to how that's supposed to go anywhere but straight to divorce court.


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