# Contemplating to cheat_Rare case where it is justifiable



## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

Hi everyone,
Let me first give you background about us. We both in early 30's, together for 15 years, married for 6 years.We have 3 kids ages 10yrs, 6yrs and almost 2 years. We both had 1 EA each, that was over 5 years ago and we have resolved and moved pass them.

His parents come to our place for 2 weeks every month, its been 2years now. My husband always told me he's not comfortable having intercourse when his parents are around. So every month, for 2 weeks it is dry season for me. I'm very HD, if possible i could have it every day. He use to be HD before marriage and kids, now he's average, once or twice a week and he's happy. Now bear in mind that in the 2 weeks where his parents are living with us, there could be 5 days where im on my periods. The reason his parents come by every month is his father has kidney failure so he comes see his specialist and the rest of the days he monitors him while he's busy with dialysis. Their house is 2 hours away and our house is 10 minutes away from the specialist. I've reached a point where i feel their visit is affecting our marriage, for this reason of no sex. I've expressed to my husband how i feel, that he's pushing me away by no intimacy but not much has changed. I don't know what else to do. This month they have been staying with us for the past 3 weeks! in that 3 weeks we were intimate just once, and that was when they popped to go to the shop. I love my husband but at this point i feel he doesn't care about my needs. I've told him one time that i'm having thoughts of getting it outside, and he acted hurt, but still nothing changed. I've asked him too many time that how can a man go for so long without intimacy, he just said he's not like other man and he can just use his playstations as a distraction. 

What other choice do i have then to go outside? Talking to him doesn't help, it has been 2 years of me trying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, it does not justify cheating.

Is your house really small? Is that why your husband does not want sex when his parents are around?

I assume that your FIL's health problem is something he will have to deal with for the rest of his life. So maybe you need to talk to your husband about a long term solution. His parents should live near you so that you are not dealing with this burden. It's wrong for your inlaws to do this to your home life.

They could sell thier place and buy near the clinic.

If you are going to cheat, then just divorce and be honest about it.

Tell your husband that either there your inlaws get their own place and he works on your sex life or you are divorcing him. That should get him motivated.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

Our house is average size, 5 bed, each kid has their own room and we have a guest bedroom inside. He says its awkward of us being busy while they are just down the hallway. My inlaws's house has been for sale for the over a year, but no luck. They are planning on getting something this side as soon as the house is sold. I once did tell my husband that his parents are driving our home life down the drain, but his response was do i expect him to kick out his parents and his 75years old dying father all because of sex?
See i dont know if this is reason enough to divorce, to cheat definitely. I also feel if i do cheat and he catches me, he shouldn't act hurt or surprised as he kinda saw it coming, therefore i wouldn't be remourseful about it.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I read your post and thought you a selfish person. I’m HD let me say. I would hate sex to dwindle to 1-2 times a week. I love my husband and I understand my marriage to be a covenant and that I choose to love my H. Is there a deeper issue for this resentment? I understand living with in-laws. It is difficult.

I think you have to be honest with your husband. Show him your post and work towards a mutual agreement. Your husband is your team mate. It’s unfair to cheat on him and then turn around to justify it when you could be letting him know what you’re feeling and let him in on the problem. Easier said then done. I know


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

Selfish...maybe. But how can i not be when he clearly doesn't care about my needs.
Everything i wrote in my post is something i've said to him already, so i have definately "let him in on the problem".
Contemplating to cheat and not remourseful about it, yep he knows that too, yet here we are, 2 years later and he's done nothing about it except turn my advances down.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

to cheat definitely. I also feel if i do cheat and he catches me, he shouldn't act hurt or surprised...........

Yikes !!! You can't be serious! Please sit him down in a non-confrontational manner and have a heart to heart. Sexual needs can be frustrating. Many times the root cause
isn't the sex itself per se' but the fact that it is the way many need it as there way to feel loved and fulfilled in a relationship which is the most important part.

In my house we had a bit of a similar problem and installed sound proof doors for our bedroom.

Cheating is unacceptable .... though it can always be easy to think about by the spouse with high drive.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Is he at least willing to rent a hotel room for a night or two so the two of you can get your freak on? Gramma can watch after the kids while you two are on a sexcation?

This is a tough situation and it seems like your in-laws are at least trying to do something about their living situation.

Also keep in mind that even for guys, stress reduces sex drive. I’m very HD but when I’m stressed about work, sex is the last thing on my mind. He’s got to deal with having his seriously ill dad in the house for two weeks of the month. I’m quite sure (front the dude standpoint) he’s as stressed as you are about this.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The hotel room is a good idea.... we have done that in the past.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

I will suggest the hotel room, but you see, this is making me feel like i'm trying too much, or i am some sex freak. If he's bothered, why wouldn't he think of such?
Sitting and having a heart2heart, been there done that. 2years later nothing has changed.
I mean i'm getting all the signs that he doesn't care, so why should i? Also, obviously if i do proceed, it will definitely lead to divorce as i will tell him i am not sorry, at this point that sounds more fullfilling then living like this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Not to be too crude, but tell him that you’re thinking of getting sex outside the marriage and see how quickly he’s got you on your back.

And, as it turns out, that’s the only way you can “justify” getting sex outside your marriage — by telling him that you’re going to do it BEFORE you do it.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

But that's the thing, i have told him twice that i will get it outside. His response was I would never as i am not capable of doing such, after that he did nothing to change. 
Hence i say im being pushed to, its just time i stop making empty remarks


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

That pretty screwed up thinking.

If his lack of sex drive is a deal breaker then break the deal!

But saying cheating is justified and then not being remorsfull is surly a recipe for divorce!

Just start masterbating in bed right next to him while his parents are down the hall. Tell him its ok his parents would want him to have a happy healthy sex life,

Its not worth cheating if you love your family!

What would you tell your kids ...mom was just to horney to go two week a month without any sex because grandma and grandpa where here so grandpa could get dialysis so I went and got me some strange!

Lovely.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

I've just asked him about getting a hotel, it is apparantly a waste of money


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> But that's the thing, i have told him twice that i will get it outside. His response was I would never as i am not capable of doing such, after that he did nothing to change.
> Hence i say im being pushed to, its just time i stop making empty remarks


I think it is wrong to cheat.

If you really want to push his buttons on this, file for divorce and see what he says.

Or you could go stay in a hotel for a few nights, by yourself, the next time your father in law is staying with you. Let your husband wonder where you were, and initiate the conversation.

Please do not say you are willing to go out and **** some other guy, but you can't bring yourself to spend a few dollars on a room without your husband's permission.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Say this plays out like you want. Are you really OK with living the rest of your married life like this ? With you screwing other men when you feel you need to and him still remaining married to you ? Of course not. Eventually, you will lose all respect for him and divorce him. So why not divorce him now ?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Wow. You both sound a bit messed up. His prissy "no sex in the same building as my parents" rule is jacked up. You're thinking that justifies your cheating on him is jacked up. 

My advice - get a vibrator and use it quite openly to get yourself off when his parents are at the house. If you want to work with your husband and his weird hangup, make it something quiet. If you want to force the issue, make it something really loud.

I think it is weird that he's OK having sex in the house with the kids but not with his parents. Yeah, he's messed up. Cheating, though, isn't the answer. Getting yourself off is the answer. This won't last too much longer. Is your marriage (which cheating would destroy) not worth that?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think that masturbation with a vibrator idea is good.

After all, we even have some people who think masturbating is very much like infidelity, even. So you could consider it like making love to a stranger.

The point about having sex in the same house with your children in another room, but not when your in laws are in another room is weird, for sure.

Yes, get a good vibrator, and be sure to use it. Get yourself off. Screw your husband's hangups. If your husband complains make sure your husband knows you will use it when your husband isn't home, so your father in law will know it's not his son getting you off, but a mechanical substitute.

Do not cheat.

That is just ... well, I have to stop using the crazy word.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ladyt1 said:


> Our house is average size, 5 bed, each kid has their own room and we have a guest bedroom inside. He says its awkward of us being busy while they are just down the hallway. My inlaws's house has been for sale for the over a year, but no luck. They are planning on getting something this side as soon as the house is sold. I once did tell my husband that his parents are driving our home life down the drain, but *his response was do i expect him to kick out his parents and his 75years old dying father all because of sex?*
> See i dont know if this is reason enough to divorce, to cheat definitely.* I also feel if i do cheat and he catches me, he shouldn't act hurt or surprised as he kinda saw it coming, therefore i wouldn't be remourseful about it.*


GTFO...

You are not worthy of having a man, let alone a dog.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You are very immature, I am surprised you have been married so long.

DOn't cheat on him, don't leave. 

Yes sex is important.

Can you two not catch a quickie somewhere?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Toss the play station. 


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ladyt1 said:


> But that's the thing, i have told him twice that i will get it outside. His response was I would never as i am not capable of doing such, after that he did nothing to change.
> Hence i say im being pushed to, its just time i stop making empty remarks





Ladyt1 said:


> *But how can i not be when he clearly doesn't care about my needs.*
> Everything i wrote in my post is something i've said to him already, so i have definately "let him in on the problem"


You know, I really have absolutely no problem with lack of sex being a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker for many people.

The thing is, nothing justifies cheating, and I do mean nothing. That's the chicken**** way out.

Give him one last warning. Then if he doesn't respond, file.

"Husband, you lack of drive and lack of effort towards this marriage is deeply disturbing. I have brought up the lack of sex twice now and have been explicit with you about the effects it's having on our marriage. I will not repeat myself. If you don't seriously up your game and start making an effort for us, because in the end it's really about us, then I'm done. No empty promises, no empty threats. Just done! "

Then give it about 3 months to see if there is any improvement. Don't make anymore empty threats or ultimatums. Just calmly state your views and see where it goes. Then make the deal breaker an actual deal breaker and file for divorce. 

If you cheat, you're lower than dirt!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bring it up in front of the in laws. Make sure they know their presence is a problem. 

And if you’re open and honest I don’t think it’s cheating. Tell him when you see other men and let him make his choices. 


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If I was your husband and I read your posts my initial questions would be "so what is his name? How long have you two known each other? How often do you spend alone time together?" Because I personally wouldn't believe any woman is sitting around trying to rationalize and justify cheating without having someone specific already picked out, primed for the bone jumping.

So OP, what is his name? Have you slept with him yet?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You love your husband but your need for sex with a stranger is starting to outweigh that love.

Riiiight. Come back when you understand what the word "love" means.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bring it up in front of the in laws. Make sure they know their presence is a problem.
> 
> And if you’re open and honest I don’t think it’s cheating. Tell him when you see other men and let him make his choices.
> 
> ...


So if someone tells their spouse that they are cheating, it's not cheating?:scratchhead:


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your problem is that you married an immature guy...tell you what tell the in-laws to watch the kids and rent a hotel room for you and he for one night each week or two night each week that they are there. honestly this is table scrapes there is no reason you two can't come to an agreement...and if he fights you on this tell him to grow some balls.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP: your marriage is toasted. One way or another your resentment will make it come to an end. Your husband has come to the point where many, many guys end, and when they get hit they just cannot comprehend what just happened to them: complacency. He's already have taking you for granted.

Nothing, and I mean nothing will happen to break the status quo, as long as he has nothing to hit him below the belt and makes him confront reality, because, he is most definitely dismissing you, in his lack of respect for you.

You have choices to make, but why keep at it after two years? By now you should of have made a decision, whatever that is prepare yourself and make it now, but be ready to follow through. Remember you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to try to keep it.

If you are ready to lose your marriage, go ahead cheat. If no, I wouldn't go that route. One of the ways spouses are made to come back to reality is by presenting them with divorce papers. That doesn't mean that you have to divorce, but you most be prepared to do it, if that's where it will get you.

Good luck to you, whichever way you decide to go. Just remember you have kids, and your actions will be seen through their eyes into their soul, and those actions will repercute throughout their own life, whether you believe it or not.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Real simple solution, when the parents are in town, tell them that they will have the house to themselves one night, as you have been invited out overnight. Then book a nice hotel room. Take him to dinner, then to the hotel. Things should work themselves out from there. I know it is frustrating, however, stepping outside the marriage is suicidal, and not to be mentioned lightly.

If you have the means, this is at least a "work around".
PS, they are here for medical treatments, therefore, there is a certain level of stress that brings with it. This method can relieve the pressure somewhat.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lady, me lady, what kind of momma's boy did you marry anyway? Does he think his mom and dad refrained from banging each others brains out when he was around? Perhaps he remembers his teenage years when trying to sleep, he could hear the bed in his mom and dad's bedroom banging against the wall in 4/4 time and realized they weren't keeping time with their favorite country western songs.
Something's wrong with the picture and it sounds as if he's using "mom and dad's in the house" as an excuse. Do you think if he was single he'd turn down a chance to "entertain" Hillery Duff or Megan Fox if his parents were in the house?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bring it up in front of the in laws. Make sure they know their presence is a problem.
> 
> And if you’re open and honest I don’t think it’s cheating. Tell him when you see other men and let him make his choices.
> 
> ...


This problem is not caused by the father in law. 

I think burdening her father in law with this nonsense is a ridiculous idea. Is he supposed to discipline his son? 

He can volunteer to take on more burden than he already suffers in order to accommodate her needs, because his son is so embarrassed by his presence.

The idea the father in law needs to be involved in some way is wrong.

This is a problem her husband has, and she is addressing it in the worst possible way.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Also, if your H says the hotel is an cost, why don't YOU book the hotel and just tell him you both are going. I bet the stress of all this with his parents is certainly taking a toll on his libido, and he may just be saying "i don't want to if they are in the house" to cover. CERTAINLY his parent know you have sex, so while I can see him not wanted a screaming orgasm session with them there, sex shoudl not be off the table. Cheating is NOT the way to go, and YES he would still be pissed/resentful if you did it.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

You hit the sex shop and buy some toys for your dry spell. Rub it out or use the toys and get yourself off 50 times a day if need be but don't throw your integrity in the toilet and cheat. People who do that are scum.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Sit him down and offer him three choices. 

1 Sex you up at least twice a week, every week. 
2 Agree to open the marriage. 
3 Divorce.

Option #1 would of course be the preferred option, but if he chooses option #2 then at least it's not cheating. If he chooses option #3, and you need to make clear to him it's going to be #3 if he doesn't follow through on #1 or agree to #2, then you file and make sure everyone in your lives (except kids) knows that you're divorcing him because he's a eunuch.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Several different things here. 

Having guests and parents in the house shouldn't be a reason not to have sex. It can be fun trying to be very quiet. In general are there issues with him finding excuses to avoid sex?

I know I"m in the minority, but I think that at some level of denial of sex in a marriage, it is OK to find it elsewhere. I disagree with other's comments about masturbating - its not the same thing at all. I think going outside is OK ONLY you you really have exhausted all options of fixing things with your partner. 

That said, I think going outside often works out badly. I think its likely that someone who starts getting sex outside of the marriage will develop an attachment, and that the marriage will fail anyway. 

I've lived in a marriage where I'm almost constantly denied sex - so I really do understand how you feel and you have my sympathy.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Sit him down and offer him three choices.
> 
> 1 Sex you up at least twice a week, every week.
> 2 Agree to open the marriage.
> ...


I think these three options are the way she should approach it. I also think she should have this conversation asap. Whatever you do OP, don't just bury it, get toys etc. etc., you have to address it. If sexual intimacy is important to you, life is way too short to live without it. I also feel like he might just be using the parents thing as an excuse.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

It's not justifiable. It's not even close to justifiable. If you want to dump your husband, go tell him you want a divorce. If you want an open marriage go ask him for that (in which case he may or may not dump you). Having sex with another guy behind his back is not acceptable whether you threatened to do so in advance or not.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

If she says the magic words "Open Marriage" does it make it different?

Or does she wait for her husband to agree to this "Open Marriage" thing? 

My wife and I dabbled with swinging for years, and we met some couples who said they had open marriages, but I never understood how that was different than having affairs. Those couples did not do well, either. The ones we knew blew up.

She already told her husband she was going to go out and **** other guys.

It's still an affair. And it will still ruin their marriage.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Do not cheat, do not tell him you think youll cheat, do not bring up cheating. Youll have a fight, he'll start thinking your gonna cheat, etc...... 

We men have very wild imaginations.

Try alternate means.

Tell him you want to go for a drive and do it in the car somewhere. You know park. Tell him its part of the risk you seek.

Tell him you want to go camping when his parents are there.

You can think of places to go.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

WilliamM said:


> If she says the magic words "Open Marriage" does it make it different?
> 
> Or does she wait for her husband to agree to this "Open Marriage" thing?
> 
> ...


If you're referring to my suggestion, go back and read #2 again. Particularly the first word.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Sit him down and offer him three choices.
> 
> 1 Sex you up at least twice a week, every week.
> 2 Agree to open the marriage.
> ...


This is REALLY how people run relationships? That is crazy! Do people get married actually love each other? I would not pull similar bullsh!t with someone I LIKED, let alone loved. God forbid the poor dude gets sick. What then? They need a complicated contract as to what constitutes a good enough excuse? What happened to working together to find mutually beneficial solutions? Oh instead just say f you and your feelings. I need mine or get out.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The open marriage concept was brought up by a few others, too.

Hence no particular reference.

I suppose it could be assumed the obvious answer is she just needs to coerce him into some grumbled ascent, thereby claiming he agreed.

My query is aimed to quell the idea however she may choose to attempt to gain his approval. 

My wife and I personally heard both members of some couples claiming they were happy with their "Open Marriage" arrangement, and those couples ended up divorcing not long after we met them. It seemed unfair then and it still just seems wrong now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is REALLY how people run relationships? That is crazy! Do people get married actually love each other? I would not pull similar bullsh!t with someone I LIKED, let alone loved. God forbid the poor dude gets sick. What then? They need a complicated contract as to what constitutes a good enough excuse? What happened to working together to find mutually beneficial solutions? Oh instead just say f you and your feelings. I need mine or get out.


Bless you. 

For the better part of a year I watched my MIL die of cancer. I watched my W spend all her time with her mother. Sex and alone together was near zero. Did I dump some crap on my W lap I'm not getting a nut every other day because she is with her mother who at the end was blind and bald from chemo? Absolutely not! 

Never read so much selfish BS in my life. OP, go get a vibrator. Eventually the old man will die. All will be well in your home.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I'm 65 and have stayed for 2 weeks with my son and his wife. 

I can tell you from MY point of view, that I had NO issue knowing they had sex in their room. 

Even if I were older and sick, I'd still have no problem with it. 

So tell him you have friends (I'm your new friend *smile*) that are close to his parent's age, and it doesn't bother them at all. 

Heck, I'd be more bothered knowing he was withholding from his wife, because of me being there!


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Seems you have 4 options:

1. Get in on the outside with your husbands "OK"
2. Get it on the outside without your husbands "OK"
3. Sit and suffer in the status quo
4. Divorce

Open marriages or cuckold type situations aren't ideal in most cases, but in your case I think it would work. Your husband puts no priority on sex or satisfying your sexual needs. He can't possibly expect to keep a wife happy when he's being told to his face that he's failing at satisfying you sexually and you're contemplating getting it on the outside.

He may act hurt now, but since he places no value on sex, I'm guessing he would be OK with you having a friend with benefits eventually.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Bless you.
> 
> For the better part of a year I watched my MIL die of cancer. I watched my W spend all her time with her mother. Sex and alone together was near zero. Did I dump some crap on my W lap I'm not getting a nut every other day because she is with her mother who at the end was blind and bald from chemo? Absolutely not!
> 
> Never read so much selfish BS in my life. OP, go get a vibrator. Eventually the old man will die. All will be well in your home.


I don't think the old man in the house is the whole story.

She is high drive, he's become very low drive and can play video games instead of ****ing his wife. There's a larger issue with sex and intimacy than just the old dying man in the home.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

username77 said:


> I don't think the old man in the house is the whole story.
> 
> 
> 
> She is high drive, he's become very low drive and can play video games instead of ****ing his wife. There's a larger issue with sex and intimacy than just the old dying man in the home.




This may be true. 


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is REALLY how people run relationships? That is crazy! Do people get married actually love each other? I would not pull similar bullsh!t with someone I LIKED, let alone loved. God forbid the poor dude gets sick. What then? They need a complicated contract as to what constitutes a good enough excuse? What happened to working together to find mutually beneficial solutions? Oh instead just say f you and your feelings. I need mine or get out.


She has already tried to work with him, he refuses. What do you suggest, just keep status quo indefinitely?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

username77 said:


> I don't think the old man in the house is the whole story.
> 
> She is high drive, he's become very low drive and can play video games instead of ****ing his wife. There's a larger issue with sex and intimacy than just the old dying man in the home.


Yes, I'm sure an ailing 75 year old man on dialysis requiring attention all day when the procedure is performed does not play a part in any of it and not the full story. Are we getting the full story from the OP? We have only heard one side. Face value for me, we are getting not getting a complete picture. Further, the parents are actively looking to sell their home and move closer to the hospital thus not needing to stay with their son. But that will not work out either as the parents will still need their sons help and they will get it more so when they live closer to their son's home. For me, the H is in a no win situation.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is REALLY how people run relationships? That is crazy! Do people get married actually love each other? I would not pull similar bullsh!t with someone I LIKED, let alone loved. God forbid the poor dude gets sick. What then? They need a complicated contract as to what constitutes a good enough excuse? What happened to working together to find mutually beneficial solutions? Oh instead just say f you and your feelings. I need mine or get out.


Sounds to me like she has been pretty communicative about her needs. There are situations when a spouse isn't willing to compromise and from the outside in, this appears to be one of them I am not saying its right to leave a sick spouse. This isn't that scenario. He is making a choice to ignore her sexual needs. One could say she is selfish for wanting to address her needs outside her marriage, but he is also selfish for withholding. What good does it do her to stay in a marriage where she is unhappy? I guess I have seen too many TAM posters both male and female waste years hoping a situation like this will get better, only to get divorced and say they wished they'd done it a long time ago.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> She has already tried to work with him, he refuses. What do you suggest, just keep status quo indefinitely?


Divorce. Cheating ain't the answer.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

1. Get comfortable with the idea that you're probably going to end up divorced if you want to be happy.
2. Get a vibrator
3. Use it when he's not around. Use it when he is around.
4. Give it a name. Make sure he knows it.
5. When his parents are gone, and he wants to do the deed, look at him and say "sorry hun, already had a date with 'vibrator name' today, I'm good"
6. When he gets upset, kindly remind him that he chose this path when he quit f'n you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

26 weeks a year of inlaws in the home is a major relationship decision, that needs to be agreed to by both parties. 

It sucks, but you may have to drag him to counseling for him to open his eyes that this is serious.

I don't think it is reasonable for him to assume that you would be ok with that.

Don't cheat. You'll regret it. Even if you ended up divorced, what is your future new spouse going to think when he finds out you're a previous cheater. You'll mar your reputation forever.

Have you cheated on anyone before? It should never be an option that you are actually considering.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

See an IC to figure out why you have such a skewed view of what loyalty is. Also, talk with them about this thing called empathy. Sorry, but you sound like a spoiled, selfish brat. I expect your parents gave you everything you wanted and catered to your every whim as a child. If you act like this with him, which apparently you do seeing as you told him you were going to go get some strange **** if he didn't snap to, it's no wonder he's LD with you. I think you either need to take a look at yourself and improve on acting like a wife, or get a divorce and don't be a wife. If you do actually improve on yourself then you and he can do it in the backseat of the car, like the good ol' days. Free and effective.
I do find it hard to believe that anyone could be this unempathetic and uncaring for the husband or his parents, I hope this is a spoof.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

In no way is cheating justified. Do you work? Can you meet for lunch and get busy then? Or wake up in the middle of the night? Send grandma and grandpa on an outing with the kids? Are you with your FIL the entire time he is getting treatment or could you sneak away then?My husband and I have sex nearly every time we STAY with his mom(vacation mode!) so I think there are ways he can still be intimate with you in a large house.ou have kids and one is older than your marriage...his parents know that you have sex. If you are on your period for a week anyway, unless you would still go at it then -it is really a week lost. 

If you still want to cheat, do him a favor and divorce your husband first.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Divorce. Cheating ain't the answer.


I agree, but if he agrees to open the marriage it's not cheating.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think people are insisting he have sex when he is sick. Presumably the "every week" can be made "on average". 

Some of us in HD /LD relationships have lived with the "endless excuses" scenario. My wife has agreed to have sex more often. Says she wants to. Its just that there is *always* an excuse. Didn't sleep well. Is feeling poorly. Is busy. The thing is, those excuses never seem to stop her from doing things she wants to do. (I remember being turned down for sex in the afternoon because she was tired, but later that evening she wanted to go to a late night jazz concert). 

So if there is an agreement on a rate of sex it has to be a real average rate. Not "we'll aim for twice a week" that ends up really being < 1/month.


Its OK if someone doesn't want sex, but its also OK for someone to end the marriage if their partner constantly turns them down for sex. Giving fair warning first only seems fair. 





NobodySpecial said:


> This is REALLY how people run relationships? That is crazy! Do people get married actually love each other? I would not pull similar bullsh!t with someone I LIKED, let alone loved. God forbid the poor dude gets sick. What then? They need a complicated contract as to what constitutes a good enough excuse? What happened to working together to find mutually beneficial solutions? Oh instead just say f you and your feelings. I need mine or get out.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I've been reading this thread from early on. The first and most obvious point is that this particular situation is no worse than a large number of mismatched libido stories we hear here every day. So this is not some special snowflake that deserves special rules. The second thing that deserves mention here is that just because the low drive person is male gives us no special licence to vilify him. Like many of the lower drive women we hear about his drive dropped with children, age, and family stress. Very very normal. 
i'm not saying divorce is not in the wind here but ultimatums will only result in the (also very very) normal short term improvement followed by relapse. There is also no point in advising the OP that she should just accept this situation to save the family. She is already making the decisions that tend to shatter it. 

As far as advice, Coming from a guy who is on your side of a mismatch. You have to think about the whole situation. You have 16 years minimum of co-parenting ahead of you. You are not as young as you were when you started this. How is your confidence? Will you really be happier? How about being restricted as to where you can live. It's a very big - change of life - decision. It's going to take thinking and preparation. FWIW I decided to stay, and my youngest is 20. I also have less time to lose than you do.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I don't think people are insisting he have sex when he is sick. Presumably the "every week" can be made "on average".
> 
> Some of us in HD /LD relationships have lived with the "endless excuses" scenario. My wife has agreed to have sex more often. Says she wants to. Its just that there is *always* an excuse. Didn't sleep well. Is feeling poorly. Is busy. The thing is, those excuses never seem to stop her from doing things she wants to do. (I remember being turned down for sex in the afternoon because she was tired, but later that evening she wanted to go to a late night jazz concert).
> 
> ...


It is also safe to say some want a lot of sex. Question is, what is the limit for both involved. Sex is a large part of marriage. Sex is not the only part of marriage. The choice is to stay or D. Infidelity is also a choice. The worst for all involved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ladyt1 said:


> Our house is average size, 5 bed, each kid has their own room and we have a guest bedroom inside. He says its awkward of us being busy while they are just down the hallway. My inlaws's house has been for sale for the over a year, but no luck. They are planning on getting something this side as soon as the house is sold. I once did tell my husband that his parents are driving our home life down the drain, but his response was do i expect him to kick out his parents and his 75years old dying father all because of sex?


Here is another idea.

Let your parents babysit your children at least once a week so that you and your husband can go on a date. And make a hotel part of that date. Or sex on the beach or some other fun place.

What is sex like when his parents are not around? Has he backed off mostly from that too? Does he initiate? Or are you the one initiating most of the time?

Your husband's refusal to have sex when is parents are in the house is a very unhealthy attitude. Basically, it sounds like he just does not want sex with your.



Ladyt1 said:


> See i dont know if this is reason enough to divorce, to cheat definitely. I also feel if i do cheat and he catches me, he shouldn't act hurt or surprised as he kinda saw it coming, therefore i wouldn't be remourseful about it.


Do you have some guy picked out right now for an affair? Has the affair actually started?

If you husband finds out about your affair, he will most likely divorce you. He's highly unlikely to forgive you. That's not how it works. Most men divorce a cheating wife and they don't care what excuse she uses for her cheating. On top of that, you will have lost the respect of most of the people you know and most likely even your own self respect.

People divorce over lack of sex all the time. Sex is the primary difference between being friends and being married (aka lovers). When there is no sex, or almost no sex, then the marriage is compromised.

There is a book that might help you, "Divorce Busting". There is a chapter in it about how to introduce change into an environment/relationship to change your relationship. As you have seen, talking to your husband and begging for sex does not work. It only makes him see you as pathetic and will make him not want sex with you. Read the book and do what it says to do.


Also, this thread might interest you. It's a very long thread but the first couple of pages have some resources that might help.

*
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ladyt1 said:


> Selfish...maybe. But how can i not be when he clearly doesn't care about my needs.
> Everything i wrote in my post is something i've said to him already, so i have definately "let him in on the problem".
> Contemplating to cheat and not remourseful about it, yep he knows that too, yet here we are, 2 years later and he's done nothing about it except turn my advances down.


The problem is not your in-laws. They are an excuse so that he does not have to have sex with your. What most people do not realize is that men are as likely as women to get to a point where they do not want sex with their spouse. He does not want sex with you. It's that simple. 

Have you ever tried just not talking about it and not asking for sex? if you did that, how often would he initiate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ladyt1 said:


> I will suggest the hotel room, but you see, this is making me feel like i'm trying too much, or i am some sex freak. If he's bothered, why wouldn't he think of such?
> 
> Sitting and having a heart2heart, been there done that. 2years later nothing has changed.
> 
> I mean i'm getting all the signs that he doesn't care, so why should i? Also, obviously if i do proceed, it will definitely lead to divorce as i will tell him i am not sorry, at this point that sounds more fullfilling then living like this.


Do you have a full time job/career? What percentage of your joint income do you earn?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I've been reading this thread from early on. The first and most obvious point is that this particular situation is no worse than a large number of mismatched libido stories we hear here every day. So this is not some special snowflake that deserves special rules. The second thing that deserves mention here is that just because the low drive person is male gives us no special licence to vilify him. Like many of the lower drive women we hear about his drive dropped with children, age, and family stress. Very very normal.
> *i'm not saying divorce is not in the wind here but ultimatums will only result in the (also very very) normal short term improvement followed by relapse.* There is also no point in advising the OP that she should just accept this situation to save the family. She is already making the decisions that tend to shatter it.
> 
> As far as advice, Coming from a guy who is on your side of a mismatch. You have to think about the whole situation. You have 16 years minimum of co-parenting ahead of you. You are not as young as you were when you started this. How is your confidence? Will you really be happier? How about being restricted as to where you can live. It's a very big - change of life - decision. It's going to take thinking and preparation. FWIW I decided to stay, and my youngest is 20. I also have less time to lose than you do.


Looking at SIM, I don't see many success stories where a HD person got his/her needs met by a LD person. I think these mismatched libido cases need to go to divorce early rather than waiting and hoping for improvement that never comes.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, I'm sure an ailing 75 year old man on dialysis requiring attention all day when the procedure is performed does not play a part in any of it and not the full story. Are we getting the full story from the OP? We have only heard one side. Face value for me, we are getting not getting a complete picture. Further, the parents are actively looking to sell their home and move closer to the hospital thus not needing to stay with their son. But that will not work out either as the parents will still need their sons help and they will get it more so when they live closer to their son's home. For me, the H is in a no win situation.


She originally wrote:



> I'm very HD, if possible i could have it every day. He use to be HD before marriage and kids, now he's average, once or twice a week and he's happy
> 
> I've asked him too many time that how can a man go for so long without intimacy, he just said he's not like other man and he can just use his playstations as a distraction.


From the OP it appears this isn't just an issue with the dad in the house. It's moved from her wanting it daily, him wanting 1 X a week, to now not having it for 2-3 week clips and satisfying himself "with video games".

Women and men are treated so differently when it comes to withholding sex. If the tables were turned people wouldn't just be saying "suck it up and deal, you're immature", "the old man will die and you can go back to terrible sex 1 X a week".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

username77 said:


> She originally wrote:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Here's the git, some people change do to outside uncontrolled stress' in life. Work, ailing parents, children, bills...you get the picture. Happens in every marriage. At this juncture, it appears to me the H has a lot on his plate. Specifically a 75 year old man who for the better part of his life looked after his son. Now it's time for son to look after his father. The H has an issue with sex while his parents are at their home. Is he not allowed to have feelings about that? Sex has diminished over time. What is the reason? These are the questions the H needs to be asked IMO. If H does not have a good answer then it is time to explore other options other than staying married. 

I'll stick to my answer. Divorce. Infidelity is not the answer.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

If you truly feel it's hopeless after some serious effort and soul searching, I would let him decide. Would you rather get divorced or me openly sleep with other men? I wouldn't "cheat" though. Chronically withholding sex from a good partner is cruel and abusive. I don't care what terms people couch it in. There should be consequences. Most people are just too weak to enforce them. They end up living passive, miserable lives of forced celibacy. Don't be one of these people. Lying and sneaking around is just as weak and passive though.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This is being blown way out of proportion. First, sexual frustration as justification of an affair, is just asking to go to court and have your entire world destroyed. In short order, everyone you know would be in on this. The OP would have no reputation, and a vengeful husband would spread it around town that you did this as a reaction to his caring for his sick parents. Think of how the OP would be characterized. She would stand to lose an awful lot.

The hotel is the best possible solution to this, infidelity is NOT. Please consider extreme reactions generally are counter intuitive.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I feel a situation like this only comes to a head for a woman if there is already (someone else). 

The OP already roved her eye around and it has settled on someone. Now she is just trying to get the justification to cheat. Well.... She already laid it out plainly that her husband almost DESERVES THIS... The resentment has been nurtured to this point... ugh. 

To the OP...you just want a free pass to **** the dude you like. (You are selfish) 
You think you already discussed this enough with your husband? Well then go for it. Dont hide it, tell everyone what you are doing. 

You think it's justified, dont hide it from anyone! Hell post about it on facebook with a follow up post coital picture... LETS see what kind of warm reception you get then. 

YOU HAVE NO JUSTIFIABLE CAUSE.... but since you think you do, lets put it to the test.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

We both have full time jobs and make roughly the same.
There's no one in my mind, i haven't "started looking".
I refuse to use sex toys, i mean what's the point of having a spouse if i must still fcuk myself? that is what single people do and last i checked, i'm not

We had a long argument / discussion texts today, these were all his responses, and i quote:

"let me explain to you exactly like i did before in the last 15 years, its not that i dont want you, i find it extremely uncomfortable and discomforting having sex at such proximity to my parents"
"i have compromised and given in every now and then".....BTW he's referring to a one time incident in the last 3 weeks
"i told you all this before but you're not hearing me out"
"i wouldn't call their every second week monthly visit constant"
"compromise is a 2way street you know, it is not about u but about both of us"
"going to a hotel for a night is just a waste, they will be gone and we'll be back to normal"
"stop making this about you, sex is not just about u, it is about enjoying each other"
"its all about u and what u want, and if i try to explain this isn't good for me, you tell me im not fullfilling my duties. when i do give in, you complain that im tense and uncomfortable"
"its super awkward for me knowing my mom could be knocking any minute needing something, but hey, as long as u get what u want right, i'll get over it"
"many times i've asked you to understand my situation, u are being unfair and unthoughtful, it doesn't matter how i feel, i must just do what you want, screw my feelings"
"the one time in the last 3 weeks where i gave in, it is still giving in however way you cut it, it is still a greater number then zero"
"when i do reject you, you can suggest i hold you and cuddle,instead no, you would rather throw your toys saying that is not what you want"

Then i said fine, i'll get it outside....his responses:

"dont you dare threaten me again, if that is your plan you can go right now and dont come back"
"you want to go, then go and leave me alone"
"instead of coming up with a solution, you threaten me"
"that is not how marriage works, you dont say if i dont get my way then i'll get it outside to try and force a partner to have your way, im not having that"
"here is my counter.....you go outside, dont come back, consider our marriage over"
"clearly getting laid is more important then our marriage...you have a decision to make"
"go ahead and sleep around, i cant stop you, but i sure dont want anything to do with you if thats the person you are"
"is that how you treat someone you claim you love? claim to be faithful to? force them to have your way or you will do something that hurts them"

Etc. etc.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ladyt1 said:


> We both have full time jobs and make roughly the same.
> There's no one in my mind, i haven't "started looking".
> I refuse to use sex toys, i mean what's the point of having a spouse if i must still fcuk myself? that is what single people do and last i checked, i'm not
> 
> ...


If you cheat on him, you deserve all the **** that's going to come your way. Do not cheat!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Seems to me you are here looking for strangers to agree with you, so you can go ahead with your plan and feel absolutely zero guilt.

Well you're not getting it from me. 

You sound extremely selfish.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You sound like a wind-up merchant! Consult Brits for meaning of this term for those that do not understand.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ladyt1 said:


> We both have full time jobs and make roughly the same.
> There's no one in my mind, i haven't "started looking".
> I refuse to use sex toys, i mean what's the point of having a spouse if i must still fcuk myself? that is what single people do and last i checked, i'm not
> 
> ...


He's RIGHT!!!!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> He's RIGHT!!!!


Yup.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, I will agree on one thing. I think your husband shouldn't be worried about his mother knocking on the door and interrupting you two. So what if she did.

When my wife's mother visited we told her to be sure to turn up the TV set in her room.

You need to insist on counseling, and maybe work with a sex therapist. I really do think his reluctance to have sex when his parents are in the house is driving you over the edge.

Your refusal to masturbate is also driving you over the edge. You need counseling for that, too!

If he flatly refuses to go to counseling with you, then maybe you should file for divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> So if someone tells their spouse that they are cheating, it's not cheating?:scratchhead:


Been in that situation. But it still hurt as badly as if they were cheating.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Good for him for being clear and firm on where he stands regarding an open marriage. That option is off the table. I guess you have to decide if you're really ready to divorce him over it or you want to keep working on it. Own whatever decision you make.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

The mismatch in sex drives is a hard one to overcome!

Resentment builds because if you never feel satiated sexually by your spouce then your desire for them disappears. And then its just a friendship!

I would sugest an amicable divorce!

Just be brutally honest with him. I love you as a person but our sex drives are just to far apart. I think we would both be happier with out this conflict that will never be resolved. 

Lets just realize that sexually we are not compatible and go out seperate ways.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Your husband is right. Sex matters to you more than the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ladyt1 said:


> We both have full time jobs and make roughly the same.
> There's no one in my mind, i haven't "started looking".
> I refuse to use sex toys, i mean what's the point of having a spouse if i must still fcuk myself? that is what single people do and last i checked, i'm not
> 
> ...


Your husband has the right to not want sex with you. He's made it clear that he does not like having sex with you. So stop harassing him about it.

His attitude stinks. Your attitude about cheating being ok in this situation stinks too.

Either live with who your husband is or divorce him. Those are your only viable choices.

Do you really want sex with someone you have to argue with like this to get it? How humiliating.

I disagree with those who say that your husband is 'right'. He's not treating you very well at all. But that's his choice. So what's your choice now?


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Yes... Your husband is right.
Wow! You are something. It seems to me you have no business being in a marriage. Why don't you just divorce your husband? Then you can sleep with anyone you'd like.

If your H were forced to travel for business 2 weeks of each month? Would you see it as justification for your cheating? My guess is.... yes. 
What if your H were seriously ill for 3 to 6 months, and could not fulfill your needs? Would you see it as justification for your cheating? My guess is.... yes. 
If YOU were forced to travel for business 2 weeks of each month? Would you see it as justification for your cheating? My guess is.... yes.

Feel free to add to the list.

It seems to me the problem is with you, not him. 

"here is my counter.....you go outside, dont come back, consider our marriage over"

The only thing your H is wrong about is the current status of the marriage. Given your attitude and inclination toward infidelity, I'd say the marriage is already dead.

One last thing. When you are set free, you can look forward to lots of relationships with other men... until they discover your reasons for destroying your marriage. Then they will run (if they know what is good for them).
Do your husband a huge favor and divorce him. He can then look for a suitable ADULT WOMAN to share his life with.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

There is also an issue of honesty here, I feel her H is not telling her the real reason he avoids sex with her. If she doesn't know the real reason she cannot fix the problem or even make an informed choice to divorce. It could be he was never attracted to her or changes in her body now repel him.

There is another issue of who do you cheat with, whoever it is likely also has a wife, children and you would be undermining their lives. There are very few people who are really unattached and many men lie to get in a woman pants.

I'm not sure your H got over your EA from 5 years ago what was done to recover was all contact with the EA partners cut off or are they still in your lives somehow. Affairs cast long shadows.

Tamat


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I can’t believe some of the response I am seeing here to OP.....

Her probably soon to be BH is absolutely right and she is completely wrong.....

She is NOT is a sexless M.....she stated in her op that when his parents are not there they have sex 1-2 times a week.....she just wants it ‘every day’ by her own words.

Now personally.....I don’t understand why her H is uncomfortable having sex when his parents are there.....it wouldn’t bother me.....

But know what?.....he is entitled to feel the way he feels.....and as his partner she should respect that.....

I have read many threads where the genders are reversed in a situation like this, and a H gets shredded for pressuring his W for constant sex....ESPECIALLY when he is getting sex, and not in a sexless M.....he is just not getting it as much as he wants.

If it is wrong for a H to pressure his W, then why the [email protected] is it OK if the genders are reversed?

And this situation OP finds herself in is not even a permanent, ‘for the rest of eternity’, inescapable one......she has shared that his parents are already in the process of selling their home to move closer to the doctor so they will not have to live with OP and their son every other week.

She can’t ‘suck it up’ for a short period of time until that situation is settled and the issue resolves itself?

She just threw it in her H’s face that she is going to go get sex outside the M!!!!

[email protected] right he should have told her if she does to just go ahead and stay gone....

If I had a gf/W who was acting this selfish and unsupportive, then threatening me to go screw an OM......her sh&t would be in trash bags on the porch already.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Cheating is never justifiable.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband needs to set a clear boundary with his mother.

"Mother, when Ladyt1 and I are in the bedroom with the door closed, do not knock on the door. Save whatever you want to talk about until I am out of the bedroom. Please stay away from the door all together when it is closed, because I really need my privacy when Ladyt1 and I are in the bedroom."


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

This lady needs to go to a swingers forum to get the answer she's looking for.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Your husband is right. Sex matters to you more than the marriage.


Sex is the marriage.

At its core marriage is all about sex.

If it weren't all about sex then withholding sex and getting sex elsewhere outside of ones marriage, without a spouses endorsement wouldn't matter at all.

Cheating on ones spouse by having sex with another or others without their spouses agreement or informed acquiescence is appalling behaviour.

Likewise to choose to withhold sharing sex with ones spouse very frequently, more often than not, or most of the time through all of the time while expecting marital sexual fidelity is also appalling behaviour.

Those spouses who choose to withhold sex as the default position within a marriage, forfeit any right to marital sexual fidelity.

If someone expects their sexual partner to remain monogamous and sexually exclusive, they better afford their sexual partner a level of sexual frequency that scratches that itch. Otherwise they shouldn't be surprised to learn their partner chooses to get sex elsewhere and even behind their back.

Although I think they would both probably be better off by just divorcing, I have no problem with Ladyt1 getting sex outside of her marriage. While ever her husband refuses to have sex with her, when he is present through at least two weeks at a time every month for months on end. With this going on for two years, this means he has refused to have sex with her while present for circa one year through two years!

Considering the fact she has told him that she has had enough and what she is going to do, while affording him an opportunity to stop this train by sharing sex with her. She should have at it as she pleases if that is her want, since he evidently isn't interested in having sex with her, so he has forfeited his right to sexual fidelity from her.

It aint pretty of course. Yet at the end of the day if people expect marital sexual fidelity, they would do well to have plenty of sex with their spouses and afford them the same marital sexual fidelity.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> She is NOT is a sexless M.....she stated in her op that when his parents are not there they have sex 1-2 times a week.....she just wants it ‘every day’ by her own words.


Sex 2-4x a month through 2 years while ones spouse is present and able is an appalling frequency. I certainly wouldn't expect fidelity from any of my sexual partners if that was all I was willing to share.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> that is what single people do and last i checked, i'm not


Boy I love this line right here, bwahahahaha. 

So what is his name? Seriously, you don't need to lie we don't know who you are. How long have you two known each other? Do you two work together? Meet at the gym? Church? Just curious.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

Ok, yes there is someone i met. 
Last week i reconnected with the EA guy of 5yrs ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5yrs, i always maintained the NC my husband and i agreed on.

2 days ago i was feeling the same as i do now, tired of the continuos rejections and needed to release, and he was more then willing, saying he always wnated more then EA but was scared to cross the boundaries

Did i feel bad afterwards, no, it was someone i was familiar with
Do i feel my husband deserved it, yes
Will i do it again, most probably
Will i tell my husband, no, he’s welcome to investigate and find out on his own
Do i know what this means, yea i have an idea. It means straight to D, reconcilliation and MC will just be a waste of time since none of us are willing to change
Do i love my husband, yes but i had to also be selfish and think for myself as he did for himself.
Will i marry again, right now i dont think so, i feel marriage is overrated and living happily after only exist im the movies

Like someone said, begging my husband for sex im just humiliating myself

I guess i came here hoping to get an ok that what im doing is justifiable.... i honestly still think it is.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It’s not, but you’re certainly free to wreck your life however you see fit.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Personal said:


> Dyokemm said:
> 
> 
> > She is NOT is a sexless M.....she stated in her op that when his parents are not there they have sex 1-2 times a week.....she just wants it ?every day? by her own words.
> ...


Math is not your subject I guess. That would be 26-52/yr. (52 wks/2 = 26; 26 x 1 = 26; 26 x 2 = 52)

And?! I don’t get the quantity thing at all. I would want it every day, but DAMN the other night can carry me through our week of sick kids, sick him, now sick me. It has been almost a week and we still text about “it.” Beyond good. And next time he will try to trump that. 

I lived sexless for years. This is not sexless. OP, feel free to cheat. Your husband will likely react by having copious amounts of sex with you and then divorcing your cheating ass. He will then be having sex on the reg with his new faithful GF and you will be trolling for **** at the VFW.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Bluesclues said:


> Math is not your subject I guess. That would be 26-52/yr. (52 wks/2 = 26; 26 x 1 = 26; 26 x 2 = 52)


Indeed. Thanks for your correction.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ladyt1 said:


> Selfish...maybe. But how can i not be when he clearly doesn't care about my needs.
> Everything i wrote in my post is something i've said to him already, so i have definately "let him in on the problem".
> Contemplating to cheat and not remourseful about it, yep he knows that too, yet here we are, 2 years later and he's done nothing about it except turn my advances down.


Maybe he has other things on his mind like his dying father. 

Go ahead and divorce if you care so little. Damn your a piece of work.


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Those spouses who choose to withhold sex as the default position within a marriage, forfeit any right to marital sexual fidelity.
> 
> If someone expects their sexual partner to remain monogamous and sexually exclusive, they better afford their sexual partner a level of sexual frequency that scratches that itch. Otherwise they shouldn't be surprised to learn their partner chooses to get sex elsewhere and even behind their back.


So define "default position". Apparently the OP's husband is still having sex with her. He just feels unconformable doing so around his parents and so the frequency is not to her liking. In my book that doesn't give her a hall pass. In fact nothing gives her a hall pass. She should divorce him if she's unhappy. In addition, the fact that she's threatening him with it adultery will probably make it less likely that he will want sex with her. I know it would me. My ex tried this BS on me. She rarely wanted sex and when she did, she was often in very drunken state. That's not attractive to me, so I rejected her at those times. So I guess in your book she had a right to cheat on me? Which BTW she eventually did.

........ Actually I've changed my opinion. The OP should go ahead and cheat on him with the caveat that she lets him know that she has done so. She would be doing him a huge favor in the long run since it would give him the impetus go boot her out the door. One of the best days of my life was when I found out my wife cheated. It was also by far the most painful. However in retrospect, cheating was the best thing she ever did for me.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> Your husband needs to set a clear boundary with his mother.
> 
> "Mother, when Ladyt1 and I are in the bedroom with the door closed, do not knock on the door. Save whatever you want to talk about until I am out of the bedroom. Please stay away from the door all together when it is closed, because I really need my privacy when Ladyt1 and I are in the bedroom."


From the Original Posters posts I get the feeling her husband's mother may not have ever actually knocked on the door. Her husband is worried his mother might do that. He has anxiety about the possibility.

The OP goes to the totally inappropriate response of trying to justify cheating.

Then she disses masturbation, God's gift to humankind to handle His gift of sexuality in tough situations like this.

So much dysfunction, and not one word of any real attempt to solve any of it.

They need help, but I don't see any help on the horizon.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Lostinthought61 said:


> your problem is that you married an immature guy...tell you what tell the in-laws to watch the kids and rent a hotel room for you and he for one night each week or two night each week that they are there. honestly this is table scrapes there is no reason you two can't come to an agreement...and if he fights you on this tell him to grow some balls.


Immature guy that lets his ailing father crash at their house and monitors him while on dialysis...

honestly this forum

Let's see, I'm assuming both parties work and are raising three kids, that's a pretty full day not to mention the added pressure of knowing your father has kidney failure, bills and other variables that come into this thing called life. Old buddy still manages to have sex with his wife 2 twice a week.

No in this case nor in any others is it justified. Get a divorce and find a guy to service you 24/7.

I'm out.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Specifically a 75 year old man who for the better part of his life looked after his son. Now it's time for son to look after his father.


*Hand clap*

in this forum where we jump on dudes who lamely take back cheating partners for not growing balls, we still jump on a dude for taking care of his dad.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Immature guy that lets his ailing father crash at their house and monitors him while on dialysis...
> 
> honestly this forum
> 
> ...


Well Bob, 

if you look at the chronological timing of where i posted and the information i had to work with at the moment at time i post you will see any reference to his father being sick was not noted...i may have rushed to judgement on little information but do i still think his phobia or anxiety about having sex with his wife with his wife around is a little juvenile perhaps...so if you are going to critique me, then do so on the fact as i knew at the time i post. Maybe you should learn how to tell time


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

The truth is finally revealed and it reveals you to be a liar. You lied to strangers on this site when you said there was no one else, you lied to your husband about no contact and you are lying to yourself about your justification for your feelings and behavior.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rhubarb said:


> Personal said:
> 
> 
> > Those spouses who choose to withhold sex as the default position within a marriage, forfeit any right to marital sexual fidelity.
> ...





Personal said:


> Likewise *to choose to withhold sharing sex with ones spouse very frequently, more often than not, or most of the time through all of the time* while expecting marital sexual fidelity is also appalling behaviour.


There you go it was just above what you quoted.

Personally I wouldn't feel I owed my wife sexual exclusivity, if she chose to withhold sharing sex with me or chose to share sex with me no more than 2-4x a month (as per the OP's husband). By the same token I don't expect my wife to oblige me with sexual exclusivity if I did the same to her either.

I also wouldn't be happy if my sexual frequency with my wife was 12x a month or less, and it would be fixed in short order or I would avail myself of sharing sex with another or others elsewhere. That said I have never experienced a sexless sexual relationship nor a limited sex sexual relationship. While currently I share a sexual frequency with my wife who I have been with for close to 22 years, that is 4-6x a week and sometimes more.

If one settles for less, they are certain to get less.



Rhubarb said:


> Apparently the OP's husband is still having sex with her. He just feels unconformable doing so around his parents and so the frequency is not to her liking.


It's one thing to go for a few weeks or at worst a month or two, while he gets over himself and his irrational hangups that see him ignore his wife's sexual desires. Yet it hasn't been weeks or even a few months, it's been two years!

That said 2-4x a month of sharing sex with his wife through 2 years is a miserable joke, so of course it's not to her liking.

I don't know how you and your wife were, but in my marriage my wife comes before my parents and for her I come before my wife's surviving parent. If only the OP's husband put his wife before his parents he might not be in the predicament he is in.



Rhubarb said:


> In my book that doesn't give her a hall pass. In fact nothing gives her a hall pass.


In my book withholding the sharing of sex in an ongoing sexual relationship (marriage for example), or sharing sex with limited frequency when available and physically capable nullifies any obligation for sexual exclusivity.

If I expect sexual exclusivity from my wife, I better put out frequently and it will help a lot if I'm good at it. The same applies to my wife as well, and just for the record we have discussed this thread and she is on the same page with me.



Rhubarb said:


> She should divorce him if she's unhappy.


On this I agree, I think they would both probably do well to divorce each other.



Rhubarb said:


> In addition, the fact that she's threatening him with it adultery will probably make it less likely that he will want sex with her. I know it would me.


Two years is more opportunity than I would offer my wife or anyone else I was in a sexual relationship with, if she or they were withholding sex from me. So telling him that this was where it was going absent resolution, after a significant amount of time is extraordinarily generous from my perspective.

When all other appeals fail, it is not unreasonable to make it clear to someone who withholds sex more often than not in an exclusive sexual relationship. That they will forfeit receiving sexual fidelity through their egregious behaviour.

Oh and on this idea that one wouldn't want to share sex with their partner, when one is faced with or threatened (your word) with the reality that sexual fidelity comes with an expectation that one puts out for their sexual partner. Such people would do well to realise that the withholding of sex in an exclusive sexual relationship, does not afford them the moral high ground even if their partner gets sex elsewhere.

If someone doesn't want their spouse to feel they have no obligation towards sexual exclusivity, they would do well to put out.



Rhubarb said:


> My ex tried this BS on me. She rarely wanted sex and when she did, she was often in very drunken state. That's not attractive to me, so I rejected her at those times. So I guess in your book she had a right to cheat on me? Which BTW she eventually did.


There's nothing wrong with saying no to sex on some occasions for whatever reason, the thing is if that becomes the usual state then all bets are off.

If your wife was withholding sex from you, it would have been perfectly reasonable for you to get sex elsewhere, if she chose not to fix that when afforded an opportunity. Likewise the same applied to your wife as well. So at the end of the day if you were both withholding sex from each other as the default state, neither of you owed the other sexual exclusivity.

In a sexual relationship where one or both partners choose to withhold sex often or always, it is hardly a surprise when the wheels come off.

Although I think the OP should instead just divorce her husband, or seperate/pending divorce before having at it with others.

I don't have a problem with her telling him she's going to have sex with others whether he likes it or not, absent him behaving like a husband to her. He is now informed, so if he doesn't like it he can divorce her if he so chooses. Otherwise he can suck it up and get over it or a address his withholding of sex from his wife in an exclusive sexual relationship.

Plus at the end of the day if she is prepared to undertake such brinkmanship, she would do well to walk her talk. Lest she find herself in the same position as others in dwindling or sexless sexual relationships. Where the withholding spouse has their measure and know they're full of hot air, so can withhold as they like absent any consequence.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

seasalt said:


> The truth is finally revealed and it reveals you to be a liar. You lied to strangers on this site when you said there was no one else, you lied to your husband about no contact and you are lying to yourself about your justification for your feelings and behavior.
> 
> Just sayin',
> 
> Seasalt


Hey, are you rubbing sea salt in the wound?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ladyt1 said:


> Ok, yes there is someone i met.
> Last week i reconnected with the EA guy of 5yrs ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5yrs, i always maintained the NC my husband and i agreed on.
> 
> 2 days ago i was feeling the same as i do now, tired of the continuos rejections and needed to release, and he was more then willing, saying he always wnated more then EA but was scared to cross the boundaries
> ...


Well you made your bed!

Why not just get divorced?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Likewise to choose to withhold sharing sex with ones spouse very frequently, more often than not, or most of the time through all of the time while expecting marital sexual fidelity is also appalling behaviour.


That's an arbitrary standard. If one spouse wants sex 3 times a day and the other twice a week, then the former is refusing sex by far, more often than not, yet for many people twice a week is perfectly acceptable. Your argument is basically you can throw your vows out the window any time you aren't happy about sex. If your wife was in an accident and could no longer have sex do you also get a hall pass? ...... In any case I don't see much point in arguing this extensively since we obviously have very different moral standards.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> That's an arbitrary standard. If one spouse wants sex 3 times a day and the other twice a week, then the former is refusing sex by far, more often than not, yet for many people twice a week is perfectly acceptable. Your argument is basically you can throw your vows out the window any time you aren't happy about sex. If your wife was in an accident and could no longer have sex do you also get a hall pass? ...... In any case I don't see much point in arguing this extensively since we obviously have very different moral standards.


Yep.
Latest study shows infidelity rate at around 1/3. If this was the standard, it’d be more like 90%. Divorce rate woul also rise my a similar amount. What a wonderful vision for society.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> Ok, yes there is someone i met.
> Last week i reconnected with the EA guy of 5yrs ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5yrs, i always maintained the NC my husband and i agreed on.
> 
> 2 days ago i was feeling the same as i do now, tired of the continuos rejections and needed to release, and he was more then willing, saying he always wnated more then EA but was scared to cross the boundaries
> ...


Well of course there was someone else. I knew it the second I read your post. You came here because you feel guilty. You also are afraid of what others will think of you when all of this is found out. Well you have your answer. People think you are a despicable woman. That same thought will be shared by your husband, his family and friends, your family and your friends, not to mention your own kids. So they will understand why mom and dad are going their separate ways and the family and life as they know it will get ripped apart and be forever changed. Its not because of your husband taking care of his sick father. Their dad taking care of grandpa when he is on his way out. They will know it is because mom is a *****. An unfaithful tramp willing to throw everything away for some other man's ****. They will know who and what you are. They will feel like everyone else will feel about you. That you aren't worth respecting. That you care more about yourself than anything else and your side piece is worth more to you than your own family and friends and husband and his family, and yes, even your own children. 

Congratulations on your new life.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP you seem to have it all worked out.

I don't know why you came here. What do you want from us at TAM ?

Good luck and better luck with the next forum or thread !

(To the rest: don't feed the "wind up merchants".)


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Well of course there was someone else. I knew it the second I read your post. You came here because you feel guilty. You also are afraid of what others will think of you when all of this is found out. Well you have your answer. People *think* you are a despicable woman. That same thought will be shared by your husband, his family and friends, your family and your friends, not to mention your own kids. So they will understand why mom and dad are going their separate ways and the family and life as they know it will get ripped apart and be forever changed. Its not because of your husband taking care of his sick father. Their dad taking care of grandpa when he is on his way out. They will know it is because mom is a *****. An unfaithful tramp willing to throw everything away for some other man's ****. They will know who and what you are. They will feel like everyone else will feel about you. That you aren't worth respecting. That you care more about yourself than anything else and your side piece is worth more to you than your own family and friends and husband and his family, and yes, even your own children.
> 
> Congratulations on your new life.


I agree with all of this except the word in bold. It should be know, not think.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rhubarb said:


> That's an arbitrary standard. If one spouse wants sex 3 times a day and the other twice a week, then the former is refusing sex by far, more often than not, yet for many people twice a week is perfectly acceptable.


Of course it's an arbitrary standard, all standards are arbitrary.

Your standards and others may differ form mine and others, yet they are no less arbitrary than mine or others.



Rhubarb said:


> Your argument is basically you can throw your vows out the window any time you aren't happy about sex.


No my argument is that sexual exclusivity and or fidelity is not warranted when ones exclusive sexual partner or partners won't have sex with you. Or infrequently have sex with you when they are for the most part present and capable of having sex.

Two years sans much sex while your partner is capable and present egads!!!



Rhubarb said:


> If your wife was in an accident and could no longer have sex do you also get a hall pass?


In my experience there are no ifs about it.

When my wife and I were in the early days of our sexual relationship, I saw her smashed up into a bloody broken mess along with two others) by a speeding car while standing next to me (it missed me by a finger). So for a time we did not have sex while she recovered, which was fine by me and her.

Likewise years later she once had a terrible fall at work which saw her have quite a bit of metal put into her leg (which is still there) in order for her to be able to walk again. So during that time we didn't have sex for awhile which was again fine by me and her.

Oh and then there was the time I was in and out of hospital for a few months when I nearly died not long after our son was born. We had some sex intermittently during that time, yet that was less than normal which was again fine with both of us.

The thing is though situations like that are perfectly reasonable to my wife and I. Yet what wouldn't be fine for either of us is withholding sex when able and present as a frequent or all the time thing.

Likewise if I was afflicted by some chronic medical condition or injury that prevented me from sharing sex with my wife for an extended period of time or interminably. I would be fine with her having a hall pass to get sex elsewhere if that was her want.

I think it would be a terrible thing for me to expect my wife to live a life sans sex or much sex at all. If I couldn't or wouldn't scratch that itch for my wife in the long term.



Rhubarb said:


> ...... In any case I don't see much point in arguing this extensively since we obviously have very different moral standards.


Indeed.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Of course it's an arbitrary standard, all standards are arbitrary.


Not at all. Keeping a vow of fidelity is not arbitrary. Drawing a line (which can be drawn anywhere) of how much sex you require to keep your vow is. 



Personal said:


> Or infrequently have sex with you .....


The word "infrequently" is not a number, and means different things to different people in different situations. 



Personal said:


> Likewise if I was afflicted by some chronic medical condition or injury that prevented me from sharing sex with my wife for an extended period of time or interminably. I would be fine with her having a hall pass to get sex elsewhere if that was her want.


The real question (which I'm guessing you will sidestep) is if your wife had a permanent condition where she could no longer have sex, and expected fidelity from you, would you comply?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rhubarb said:


> Not at all. Keeping a vow of fidelity is not arbitrary. Drawing a line (which can be drawn anywhere) of how much sex you require to keep your vow is.


A vow of sexual fidelity comes with an obligation to afford ones exclusive sexual partner sex and not at a ridiculously low level of occurrence.

I do not think it is okay to unilaterally impose celibacy or near celibacy on a sexually exclusive partner in a nominally sexually exclusive relationship. That would be a breach of promise, which would therefore makes a promise of sexual exclusivity redundant.

An obligation of exclusive sexual fidelity is premised upon affording satisfactory sexual access. Absent meeting that obligation it would be a fools errand to think one deserves fidelity from their sexual partner/s.



Rhubarb said:


> The word "infrequently" is not a number, and means different things to different people in different situations.


Exactly what you might consider to be infrequent, I might consider to be more frequent than your summation.

An actual number for the purpose of this discussion is a moot point, since it will vary depending upon who is involved.

So there's no point me telling you not to accept a sexual relationship that sees you have sex 24x or less through 365 days a year interminably for years. Since you might think that having sex 24x a year is more than you would want to have.



Rhubarb said:


> The real question (which I'm guessing you will sidestep) is if your wife had a permanent condition where she could no longer have sex, and expected fidelity from you, would you comply?


Why would I sidestep it, I am very direct (which is one reason why I have always enjoyed a very rich sex life).

Of course I wouldn't comply with such a ridiculous expectation, nor would I demand my wife suffer the same nonsense form me either.

My wife isn't my property, I don't own her. Nor am I my wife's property, she doesn't own me either.

To demand and expect celibacy (which is what you are putting forward) from ones sexual partner is not an act of love. In fact it is an act of extraordinary selfishness and may even be an act of hatred. How terribly immoral!


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> Hi everyone,
> Let me first give you background about us. We both in early 30's, together for 15 years, married for 6 years.We have 3 kids ages 10yrs, 6yrs and almost 2 years. We both had 1 EA each, that was over 5 years ago and we have resolved and moved pass them.
> 
> His parents come to our place for 2 weeks every month, its been 2years now. My husband always told me he's not comfortable having intercourse when his parents are around. So every month, for 2 weeks it is dry season for me. I'm very HD, if possible i could have it every day. He use to be HD before marriage and kids, now he's average, once or twice a week and he's happy. Now bear in mind that in the 2 weeks where his parents are living with us, there could be 5 days where im on my periods. The reason his parents come by every month is his father has kidney failure so he comes see his specialist and the rest of the days he monitors him while he's busy with dialysis. Their house is 2 hours away and our house is 10 minutes away from the specialist. I've reached a point where i feel their visit is affecting our marriage, for this reason of no sex. I've expressed to my husband how i feel, that he's pushing me away by no intimacy but not much has changed. I don't know what else to do. This month they have been staying with us for the past 3 weeks! in that 3 weeks we were intimate just once, and that was when they popped to go to the shop. I love my husband but at this point i feel he doesn't care about my needs. I've told him one time that i'm having thoughts of getting it outside, and he acted hurt, but still nothing changed. I've asked him too many time that how can a man go for so long without intimacy, he just said he's not like other man and he can just use his playstations as a distraction.
> ...


Issues stemming from infidelity will dwarf your current challenges, x 1,000. Infidelity residue lasts forever, and is nearly irreparable. Trust is compromised and your marriage will NEVER be the same. DON'T DO IT. Simply not worth it. Seriously. Just read the many stories on here of remorseful wives. If they could have anything in the world, it would to be able to turn back the hands of time and undo what they've done. So much lost for so little gain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Personal said:


> To demand and expect celibacy (which is what you are putting forward) from ones sexual partner is not an act of love. In fact it is an act of extraordinary selfishness and may even be an act of hatred. How terribly immoral!


If the roles were reversed, and a husband was posting the same situation, most of the posters here would be telling him that his wife is in the wrong. And some would be telling him that cheating is ok since she's withholding sex. I've seen plenty of threads on TAM on this topic.

The OP is in the wrong. But so is her husband. Sometimes both people are wrong.

It's great that the OP and her husband are helping his father. It's wrong that her husband cares so little for his marriage that he's treating his wife this way. I get her anger. It's just that cheating is not the answer.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> A vow of sexual fidelity comes with an obligation to afford ones exclusive sexual partner sex and not at a ridiculously low level of occurrence.


rediculously now...... You like to use words with no quantifiable meaning. I guess that makes it easier to argue for you. 



Personal said:


> .... near celibacy ....


And hear again. 



Personal said:


> ..... satisfactory sexual access .....


And again.



Personal said:


> An actual number for the purpose of this discussion is a moot point, since it will vary depending upon who is involved.


moot point? You are basing some argument on an undefined frequency. 



Personal said:


> So there's no point me telling you not to accept a sexual relationship that sees you have sex 24x or less through 365 days a year interminably for years. Since you might think that having sex 24x a year is more than you would want to have.


Whether I'm happy about my frequency of sex IS a moot point since I made a commitment when I got married. I can either keep it, or I can get a divorce. What I can't do is cheat on my spouse. 



Personal said:


> Of course I wouldn't comply with such a ridiculous expectation, nor would I demand my wife suffer the same nonsense form me either.


ridiculous again...



Personal said:


> To demand and expect celibacy (which is what you are putting forward) from ones sexual partner is not an act of love. In fact it is an act of extraordinary selfishness and may even be an act of hatred. How terribly immoral!


Says the guy who thinks it's OK to cheat on his spouce if he doesn't get enough sex. This has been fun.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The OP is in the wrong. But so is her husband. Sometimes both people are wrong.
> 
> It's great that the OP and her husband are helping his father. It's wrong that her husband cares so little for his marriage that he's treating his wife this way. I get her anger. It's just that cheating is not the answer.


It's terribly sad, and I concur they are both in the wrong.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

So OP had already cheated before EVER posting her initial complaints (per her latest update).....

She was purely excuse shopping here for being a traitorous, disgusting woman.....and unfortunately a few posters fed her justifications she will throw in her BH’s face if she is ever caught.....

Oh....because she also said she was not telling her BH and because he ‘deserved’ it.....

This woman is a pure POS.....

Hope her BH kicks her a$$ to the curb hard and exposes her gross behavior to the world so everyone can see what she truly is.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I feel like taking up work as a psychic. Lol. 

I knew it! I knew you had already crossed that line. And!!! you refuse to tell your husband about it. 

You have not genuinely given your husband the respect to discuss this subject. I think you manipulated your husband into bad reactions to give you more ammo against him to do this. 

I dont think you are accurately depicting how little sex you were getting. It was not about the sex anyway... You had this of the EA, five years old...

You will be found out, and soon. You made threats and your husband will be picking up on all this crap...He will dig and find us, or the AP, your days are numbered.... You deserve this fall because you are so cruel about it.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rhubarb, 

I think you may have missed Personal's point. 

If I'm reading him correctly, he wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage, because he would be out in short order once it hit his breaking point. He wouldn't have to worry about cheating because their would be a very immediate separation. 

Correct me if I'm wrong Personal. 



Rhubarb said:


> rediculously now...... You like to use words with no quantifiable meaning. I guess that makes it easier to argue for you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Personal said:


> A vow of sexual fidelity comes with an obligation to afford ones exclusive sexual partner sex and not at a ridiculously low level of occurrence.
> 
> I do not think it is okay to unilaterally impose celibacy or near celibacy on a sexually exclusive partner in a nominally sexually exclusive relationship. That would be a breach of promise, which would therefore makes a promise of sexual exclusivity redundant.
> 
> ...


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ladyt1 said:


> Ok, yes there is someone i met.
> Last week i reconnected with the EA guy of 5yrs ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5yrs, i always maintained the NC my husband and i agreed on.
> 
> 2 days ago i was feeling the same as i do now, tired of the continuos rejections and needed to release, and he was more then willing, saying he always wnated more then EA but was scared to cross the boundaries
> ...



I don't understand why you would come here for justification to cheat. You will never get that here. You are a dishonorable human being. Divorce this man and walk away. Guess it's true, once a cheater, always a cheater.

BTW, You were both in the wrong, but now I hope he cleans you out.

You made your bed!


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

LadyT1?

Hello? Did you just drop a little tidbit and skedaddle?

Hmmmm...


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Catch up people! She's all ready cheated. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I hate it when people come here to wind up the regulars than run off--mission accomplished.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

michzz said:


> I hate it when people come here to wind up the regulars than run off--mission accomplished.


Well, they run off when they don't get the validation they were seeking. Well done, regulars.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Well you could go to a motel, sex in the car is still fun if you are limber enough. When there is a “will” then you will find a way


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ladyt1 Is your case a rare case where cheating is justified?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

michzz said:


> I hate it when people come here to wind up the regulars than run off--mission accomplished.


Sadly, I believe she had convinced herself that she was justified in cheating on her husband and that she could not conceive of the possibility that she was wrong.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ladyt1 said:


> Ok, yes there is someone i met.
> Last week i reconnected with the EA guy of 5yrs ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5yrs, i always maintained the NC my husband and i agreed on.
> 
> 2 days ago i was feeling the same as i do now, tired of the continuos rejections and needed to release, and he was more then willing, saying he always wnated more then EA but was scared to cross the boundaries
> ...


So you have already cheated on your husband. This is so great, roasted the hell out of your husband on here then come back with “o ya I cheated on him in the past five years”. Of coarse that has nothing to do with your problems.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @Ladyt1 Is your case a rare case where cheating is justified?


Well, if Wonder Woman nods her head up and down rather than shaking it from side to side....>


I'm KIDDING people, just kidding!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Then you throw cheating in his face again. No wonder he blew up on you when you said what you did. What else did you expect? “O please don’t do that, I will do anything if you stay and don’t cheat”. Right......

You need IC. You have no clue on how to be a faithful partner. It’s obvious your marriage is in bad shape and what you finally admitted to, your the reason it is. 

Who in the world would want to have sex with a cheating spouse.


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## Ladyt1 (Feb 23, 2018)

So many judge Judy's in here.

Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever. 

I did what I had to do and no point justifying it any further.

The ball is now in his court, i'll accept whatever is being thrown my way.

PS: we can conclude this thread, no point adding more fuel to the fire.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


For my next thread I will ask is it justifiable to leave my kids on the side of the road in a strange town and just drive off.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


Who's kidding who? You know you were wrong. Deep down you know it. That is why you were here in the first place. Trying to ease your own guilt for your disgraceful behaviour. You know it's true too. 

If you wanted a divorce so bad why couldn't you just file and be done with it? You wanted out, why not just get out then? I don't understand this thought process at all. If you aren't happy, just leave. You could have walked away with your dignity, self worth, pride, and morals still in tact. Instead you throw all of that away just to get a divorce? It doesn't make any sense at all. 

I would get into counseling. Figure out why you felt a need to self sabotage to pursue your own happiness. Do you have a history of doing this to yourself?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


wow. 

i hope he divorces you. it seems you are the kind of person who can justify just about anything...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


No Judge Judys here. Just people who know the damage that your proposed actions can cause.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


I predict hell will forgive you. He will ramp up the sex for awhile . But in the end he won't be able to sustain it and divorce will be inevitable. 


Don't let him try just divorce its better for everybody.


Its alright to end a marriage because of sexual differences.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The husband is a fool and a moron. He was warned that she was thinking of cheating, and still took no action. He abandoned the marriage in fact, so IMO she has the right to do the same. Sure, divorce is the best option, but that takes time. Cheating now satisfies her immediate needs, and divorce will follow anyway. He may be hurt, but he's already hurt her. Two wrongs don't make a right, of course, but he deserves what he's created.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

You have little kids and you still did this? I just can't reconcile in my mind how human beings can be so utterly cruel and destructive and think so little of it. Don't you realize what you've done to your family just to get some penis inside you? I feel so bad for those kids. This is going to have a huge impact on them. 

This is one time when I sincerely hope this entire thread is fiction.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


You did what you had to do??? No... not "had". You did what you wanted to do. Something that will tear your family apart. Those small children. You have destroyed their stability for 15 minutes of a man humping you. Congrats.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> The husband is a fool and a moron. He was warned that she was thinking of cheating, and still took no action. He abandoned the marriage in fact, so IMO she has the right to do the same. Sure, divorce is the best option, but that takes time. Cheating now satisfies her immediate needs, and divorce will follow anyway. He may be hurt, but he's already hurt her. Two wrongs don't make a right, of course, but he deserves what he's created.


Did you miss the part where she was already cheating with the OM she cheated with before? This whole thread was a load of crap she created to try to justify the unjustifiable. And here you are blame shifting. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that you're non-monogamous. Maybe you should cogitate a little on the fact that no monogamous person agrees with you on this.

Cheating is never justified. Never.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...



Awww, you poor poor widdle thing.
Why don't you just back that pity train back up to the station and listen real close for a second.

First you came here under false pretenses to garner sympathy for your situation.

I do believe that about half the people on this thread did sympathize with your situation as we thought your husband was being unreasonable. Which he was being unreasonable. I know that I personally gave you the benefit of the doubt even though the thought in the back of my mind that it sounded like the cheaters script. BTW: Google cheaters script,it might just do you some good.

The number one thing you were told was not to cheat. Don't dishonor yourself and destroy your integrity. Not once or twice, but numerous times.

Then you come back here and let the cat out of the bag that you had an EA 5 years ago (cheater and strike 1) and that you reconnected with the POSOM (strike 2) against the agreement you had with your husband (liar and cheater, they go hand in hand) and that you arranged a **** session with him. (strike 3) Oh well, just another vow broken, no big deal, right?

So let's not BS us there buttercup. You knew exactly why you came here. It was to get validation for your plans to go **** another man. Point blank, end of story. The sob stories and the bawling ain't going to get you a damn thing. This is a PRO-MARRIGE forum and an infidelity subset, just exactly what kind of advise did you think you were going to get. "Stupid is as stupid does lieutenant Dan!"

One good thing about it, I do hope your husband finds this forum. He's going to get some really solid 2x4's and if I come across his posts, I'm going to point him to about 4-5 guys that have really excellent advise on how to just completely destroy your world.

I personally hope the karma bus blows a motor as it's backing over your carcass. You deserve everything you get!

How's that for judgemental?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Well my dear, if he were my client, at this moment, he would be meeting with the best shark lawyer on my list. We would be making serious plans to nuke your world. After this was read into the record, you would be lucky to have one weekend a month with your kid. PS, depending on jurisdiction, we would be contacting your AP, his wife if there is one, his parents and his office. May not do any thing legally, but the threat of a lawsuit makes people turn tail and run, and we would be pressing for our client to sue him as well. Even if it is just to hurt YOU we would make sure that you get absolutely nothing and he gets a life. 

He was doing a good thing, and you went out and fcuked another dude because of it? Sorry excuse for a human. Hope he gets you good.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Taxman said:


> Well my dear, if he were my client, at this moment, he would be meeting with the best shark lawyer on my list. We would be making serious plans to nuke your world. After this was read into the record, you would be lucky to have one weekend a month with your kid. PS, depending on jurisdiction, we would be contacting your AP, his wife if there is one, his parents and his office. May not do any thing legally, but the threat of a lawsuit makes people turn tail and run, and we would be pressing for our client to sue him as well. Even if it is just to hurt YOU we would make sure that you get absolutely nothing and he gets a life.
> 
> He was doing a good thing, and you went out and fcuked another dude because of it? Sorry excuse for a human. Hope he gets you good.


Speak of the devil, you are one of the 4-5 guys I was thinking about.

I like the way you think.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


What?? Are you a female dog in heat who cannot process anything?

You did what you *wanted *to do. Sometimes when things are not going my way I have a crazy thought about what I could do. I don't do it because my human brain processes the entire thing and I realize that it was a very stupid thought.

You threw a nuke on you marriage, your husband and your children. Now everyone will hurt, including you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Did you miss the part where she was already cheating with the OM she cheated with before? This whole thread was a load of crap she created to try to justify the unjustifiable. And here you are blame shifting. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that you're non-monogamous. Maybe you should cogitate a little on the fact that no monogamous person agrees with you on this.
> 
> Cheating is never justified. Never.


Already cheating? I didn't see that, but that is a separate (although related) issue, IMO. And I do believe that there are some very limited circumstances where cheating is justified. My non-monogamy is an irrelevant straw man issue, and you only mention it to try to discredit my opinion. Try to do better next time. Besides, when she informed him of her intent, he gave tacit approval by doing nothing to fix the problem he created. He is equally responsible for the result.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Already cheating? I didn't see that, but that is a separate (although related) issue, IMO. And I do believe that there are some very limited circumstances where cheating is justified. My non-monogamy is an irrelevant straw man issue,


No it's not. Your opinion is informed by your lifestyle. It is _never_ justified for a person in a monogamous relationship to have sex with an outside partner.



Married but Happy said:


> and you only mention it to try to discredit my opinion.


No need for me to discredit your opinion, you're doing a fine job of that yourself. 



Married but Happy said:


> Try to do better next time. Besides, when she informed him of her intent, *he gave tacit approval by doing nothing to fix the problem he created. He is equally responsible for the result.*





Ladyt1 said:


> Then i said fine, i'll get it outside....his responses:
> 
> "dont you dare threaten me again, if that is your plan you can go right now and dont come back"
> "you want to go, then go and leave me alone"
> ...


Tacit approval? Bull ****!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ladyt1 said:


> I've just asked him about getting a hotel, it is apparantly a waste of money


*It is not a waste of money if it's going to help in holding your relationship together!

Always remember that cheating is never justified! Not only do you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on everyone else who has come to recognize it as the sacred, monogamous union that it's ordained to be!*


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Tacit approval? Bull ****!


We'll have to disagree. Also, you probably don't (and can't) understand my views on monogamy and non-monogamy (I've lived long periods in both worlds, but doubt that you have), so your opinion is limited by your lack of experience. Anyway, IMO she's better off without this loser husband, so if an exit affair achieves that goal, so be it. He has no concept of a marriage being a mutual effort, and wasn't going to work on a fix, so she may as well do as she pleases. While not a good way to leave, it gets the job done and gets her needs met at the same time.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.
> 
> Anywho yesterday morning when i got to work i sent my husband a text with a link to this thread.....needless to say i haven't spoke to him since and he didn't come home last night, no texts whatsoever.
> 
> ...


Bye bye, but remember this is a pro-marriage website. What you are doing is not pro-marriage. It's just wrong.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

WE HAVE NOT MET THE HUSBAND! we have not heard his side. 

I for one am NOT going to run him over with the judgement bus when this little wet TWATELL acts like a biotch in heat! 

She is the only one i'm throwing my tomatoes at right now. He has had his reasons for not wanting sex, and with this woman it has not been about sex. Often isnt about sex at all...


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Nucking Futs said:
> 
> 
> > Tacit approval? Bull ****!
> ...


Maybe where I differ is we were given a specific story by someone active in an affair. She lied to a bunch of people she doesn't and will never know looking for a specific type of answer. When engaged in an affair, a common practice is lying, and revisionist history. We don't really know what solutions were offered by him. We don't really know how hard he was fighting to fix this issue. Unfortunately for the OP, she has already admitted to lying to us, to her husband, and I believe she is lying to herself as well to ease her own guilt. So where she has lost all benefit of the doubt, her betrayed husband has not. I don't think it is fair to call him a loser at all. We were all fed lies from the beginning after all. How can you believe anything a WS says about their BS when they are actively and unapologetically engaged in an affair?

An exit affair is stupid for many reasons. Doesn't get the job done any more quickly than just filing for divorce without an affair. In the process, you also throw away your own self worth and morals. That stuff aside, you are going to create a spouse hell bent on blowing up your world and taking you to task in the courts. Someone who will want revenge for having wronged them in one of the worst possible ways. Not only him, but her children as well. A 10 year old will know what happened and why. She is potentially and likely destroying all of her relationships.

Not only does she come out of all of this looking incredibly selfish, she looks incredibly stupid as well.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> WE HAVE NOT MET THE HUSBAND! we have not heard his side.
> 
> I for one am NOT going to run him over with the judgement bus when this little wet TWATELL acts like a biotch in heat!
> 
> She is the only one i'm throwing my tomatoes at right now. He has had his reasons for not wanting sex, and with this woman it has not been about sex. Often isnt about sex at all...


DAMN!

:allhail:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Maybe where I differ is we were given a specific story by someone active in an affair. She lied to a bunch of people she doesn't and will never know looking for a specific type of answer. When engaged in an affair, a common practice is lying, and revisionist history. We don't really know what solutions were offered by him. We don't really know how hard he was fighting to fix this issue. Unfortunately for the OP, she has already admitted to lying to us, to her husband, and I believe she is lying to herself as well to ease her own guilt. So where she has lost all benefit of the doubt, her betrayed husband has not. I don't think it is fair to call him a loser at all. We were all fed lies from the beginning after all. How can you believe anything a WS says about their BS when they are actively and unapologetically engaged in an affair?
> 
> An exit affair is stupid for many reasons. Doesn't get the job done any more quickly than just filing for divorce without an affair. In the process, you also throw away your own self worth and morals. That stuff aside, you are going to create a spouse hell bent on blowing up your world and taking you to task in the courts. Someone who will want revenge for having wronged them in one of the worst possible ways. Not only him, but her children as well. A 10 year old will know what happened and why. She is potentially and likely destroying all of her relationships.
> 
> Not only does she come out of all of this looking incredibly selfish, she looks incredibly stupid as well.


I suspect he actually is a loser (she may be a liar, but I think the basic story is fairly accurate), but I do agree with you otherwise. Yes, an exit affair is usually stupid - it would be better to separate immediately and do as you please thereafter. Sometimes, revenge (on him in this case) is a stronger motivation - we often see such motivations from BSs as well. Sometimes it may even be worth it.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> I suspect he actually is a loser (she may be a liar, but I think the basic story is fairly accurate), but I do agree with you otherwise. Yes, an exit affair is usually stupid - it would be better to separate immediately and do as you please thereafter. Sometimes, revenge (on him in this case) is a stronger motivation - we often see such motivations from BSs as well. Sometimes it may even be worth it.



You know NOTHING about him. You know very little of the affair that happened 5 years before. We know next to nothing about how she owned the affair or not, and we have little to go on with what he is feeling, and what HE is doing. 

Maybe this woman has been slunting around and it turns him off? 

Point is this woman is a rationalizing dishonest cheater who lied to all of us to get selectively specific advice. How can you even trust anything she has relayed? 

I suspect you see a little of your own past situation within her actions...Maybe you are aligning with her for the wrong reasons.... I think you may need some introspection on why you call a BS a loser with only the word of a dishonest WAYWARD? This is :scratchhead:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> You know NOTHING about him. You know very little of the affair that happened 5 years before. We know next to nothing about how she owned the affair or not, and we have little to go on with what he is feeling, and what HE is doing.
> 
> Maybe this woman has been slunting around and it turns him off?
> 
> ...


I know nothing about you, either, but I think of you as a person who makes personal attacks knowing nothing about me. Pot, meet kettle. The fact is that many BSs contribute to the failure of their marriages, and then get all righteous about it. Many of them are dishonest to some degree as well - at least with themselves. Waywards don't own the market for dishonesty, or rationalization. So, while I can't trust everything she says, the initial post seems consistent and factual. She may want a specific kind of response, but the basic story is probably close to fact. As such, she has my sympathy, even as I disapprove of her choice.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> I know nothing about you, either, but I think of you as a person who makes personal attacks knowing nothing about me. Pot, meet kettle. The fact is that many BSs contribute to the failure of their marriages, and then get all righteous about it. Many of them are dishonest to some degree as well - at least with themselves. Waywards don't own the market for dishonesty, or rationalization. So, while I can't trust everything she says, the initial post seems consistent and factual. She may want a specific kind of response, but the basic story is probably close to fact. As such, she has my sympathy, even as I disapprove of her choice.


You have NOT acted like you disapprove of her actions and talk about personal attack? ..the man/husband in this who you deem a loooooseeer? WTF?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> You have NOT acted like you disapprove of her actions and talk about personal attack? ..the man/husband in this who you deem a loooooseeer? WTF?


My posts are often for the sake of argument, and perhaps for exposing hypocritical or overly-rigid views. You should also take my posts here in the context of everything else I post, but I can't expect most to remember what else I've said. Even then, most will only remember whatever supports their own bias or seems to negate my opinion if they disagree. 

Anyway, if the husband comes here and posts, I'll gladly revise my opinion of him if warranted.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Already cheating? I didn't see that, but that is a separate (although related) issue, IMO. And I do believe that there are some very limited circumstances where cheating is justified. My non-monogamy is an irrelevant straw man issue, and you only mention it to try to discredit my opinion. Try to do better next time. Besides, when she informed him of her intent, he gave tacit approval by doing nothing to fix the problem he created. He is equally responsible for the result.


Bull feathers


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I know nothing about you, either, but I think of you as a person who makes personal attacks knowing nothing about me. Pot, meet kettle. The fact is that many BSs contribute to the failure of their marriages, and then get all righteous about it. Many of them are dishonest to some degree as well - at least with themselves. Waywards don't own the market for dishonesty, or rationalization. So, while I can't trust everything she says, the initial post seems consistent and factual. She may want a specific kind of response, but the basic story is probably close to fact. As such, she has my sympathy, even as I disapprove of her choice.


 I surprised myself: I can agree with you on one thing you've said here. "lmany BSs contribute to the failure of their marriages". Sure, they do. But they contribute nothing to their spouse's choice to cheat on them and lead a secret second life behind their backs. How could the BS be responsible in any way for something, by it's very nature, they're completely oblivious to? So, when they discover the affair, they get all righteous about it. "Justifiably" so, I would say.

Sure, waywards don't own the market on dishonesty, but they DO own it regarding having affairs - what this thread and forum is all about, after all.

As for this particular account, specifically the state of the BH as relayed to us by the philanderess? Considering it makes some sort of sense, even from the cheater's self-justifying perspective, I bet he's a typical, unaware BH. Why do I say unaware? Because, like many of us, he probably thinks his spouse is devoted enough to him and their family that they wouldn't likely cheat, even if they threaten to do so. That's what happened to me.

I hope he does come here.

-10th Engineer Harrison,.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> As for this particular account, specifically the state of the BH as relayed to us by the philanderess? Considering it makes some sort of sense, even from the cheater's self-justifying perspective, I bet he's a typical, unaware BH. Why do I say unaware? Because, like many of us, he probably thinks his spouse is devoted enough to him and their family that they wouldn't likely cheat, even if they threaten to do so. That's what happened to me.


If my wife told me she was going to have sex with others whether I liked it or not unless..., I would be a fool to not believe her. If her husband is unaware despite her telling him, he would be a fool also.

At the end of the day if her husband refuses to have sex with her through 6 months collectively out of every year and seldom has sex with her for the other collective six months per year through two years, he shouldn't be surprised to find that she will choose to get more sex elsewhere.



10th Engineer Harrison said:


> I hope he does come here.





Ladyt1 said:


> Let me first give you background about us. We both in early 30's, together for 15 years, married for 6 years.We have 3 kids ages 10yrs, 6yrs and almost 2 years. *We both had 1 EA each*, that was over 5 years ago and we have resolved and moved pass them.


Why, are you hoping to admonish him for his own extramarital activities and for only offering his wife sex 2-4x a month through 2 years?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> But they contribute nothing to their spouse's choice to cheat on them and lead a secret second life behind their backs.


Perhaps an analogy will help. You insist that your spouse only eats healthy food. But then you actively withhold food from them for a couple of days, even when they beg you for food (maybe you insist on fasting, but she doesn't want to). Someone offers them chocolate cake. Of course they're going to eat it, even though they know it's bad for them, especially if they can't expect any good food soon. And you are directly responsible for making it easy for them to make that unhealthy choice. No, you didn't make the choice for them, but you pushed them into the choice they made. They don't want to tell you they ate that nasty cake, of course, knowing you'll disapprove. Now they like chocolate cake, and want more, especially since you won't provide it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Why anyone would believe ONE WORD from OP’s first post is beyond me.

This WW came here, described a ‘woe is me’ situation, and continually disputed with any poster who said if she chose to cheat, she was not justified....

Then, lo and behold, admits in a later post that she had ALREADY cheated BEFORE posting here....and also BEFORE she ever threw the statement in BH’s face that she was going to go get sex somewhere else.....

Ummmm....that conversation with her BH was total bull**** because she wasn’t firmly making her demands ‘or else’.....she had already done it!!!!

This woman was only looking for people to justify her crappy choices ex post facto.

So Personal, when you lambast her BH by saying how you would have taken it seriously if your W had said this to you (obviously implying that the BH has sort of gotten what he deserves because he didn’t do that), you are totally missing the point that it was ALREADY too late for him to change to meet her demands....she was a WW before she even opened her mouth to him......and a lying, traitorous, devious one at that.

And IMO, your opinion that getting sex from a spouse ‘only’ 4 times a month (and I loved how you rhetorically tried to make it sound worse by verbally picturing it as being denied sex for 6 months.....sounding as if that was a continuous ‘dry spell’ of frustration) is a valid reason to cheat, is dead wrong.

Justification for D if a spouse is that frustrated with the frequency?.......Absolutely.

Justification to cheat?.........bullsh$t IMO.

All this thread has shown me is that even the Infidelity section on a rather hardline site like TAM will have a certain number of posters who will actually be cheerleaders and excuse makers for disgusting cheaters.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> So Personal, when you lambast her BH by saying how you would have taken it seriously if your W had said this to you (obviously implying that the BH has sort of gotten what he deserves because he didn’t do that), you are totally missing the point that it was ALREADY too late for him to change to meet her demands....she was a WW before she even opened her mouth to him......and a lying, traitorous, devious one at that.
> 
> And IMO, your opinion that getting sex from a spouse ‘only’ 4 times a month (and I loved how you rhetorically tried to make it sound worse by verbally picturing it as being denied sex for 6 months.....sounding as if that was a continuous ‘dry spell’ of frustration) is a valid reason to cheat, is dead wrong.
> 
> ...


Actually I think her treatment of him is poor and if I were him I would divorce her, that said I also think his treatment of her is also poor and if I were her I would divorce him as well.

That said it wasn't too late for him, since he had two years to address this. Which is almost two years longer than I would afford my wife or anyone else to fix it, if I faced with the same egregious nonsense form her or them.

At the end of the day though if her husband can't be arsed to have sex with his wife, any more than once or twice a week at best for two weeks in every month. While he wouldn't even touch her for another two weeks in every month through two years. Despite her telling him he needed to fix it through those same two years, he really shouldn't be surprised at the outcome he faces.

Whether you like it or not, if a married man or woman chooses to have sex as infrequently as the OP's husband chose to with his spouse and their spouse wants more sex than that. Some of them will say they will have sex with another or others and do exactly that (although that is adultery it certainly isn't cheating), while some won't say anything and will have sex with another or others (which is cheating and also adultery as well) without seeking a divorce first.

Now in your perfect world people wouldn't do that yet the world isn't your perfect world, so people don't always behave as you wish they would.

As a consequence of that we would all do well to realise that lots of people think that a promise of sexual fidelity, becomes void in any sexual relationship including marriage if ones sexual partner/s starts withholding sex or demanding celibacy. That way we aren't surprised when we find out that some sexual partners will go and get sex elsewhere whether they remain together or not, in response to the unilateral withdrawal of sex in a sexual relationship.

Unfortunately life is not a sheltered workshop where everyone gets to win. So men and women who don't listen to their spouses and dismiss or ignore what they say, should be mindful that they potentially do so at their own relationship peril.

P.S. For the record I don't think it's cheating if ones spouse tells them they will have sex with another or others, then subsequently tells them they are now doing that or have done it with others at the commencement of doing that or just after. Since if one isn't hiding it and they have informed their partner they're not technically cheating.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Personal said:


> Actually I think her treatment of him is poor and if I were him I would divorce her, that said I also think his treatment of her is also poor and if I were her I would divorce him as well.
> 
> That said it wasn't too late for him, since he had two years to address this. Which is almost two years longer than I would afford my wife or anyone else to fix it, if I faced with the same egregious nonsense form her or them.
> 
> ...


Hmm. That logic doesn't really seem to carry through.

It's not cheating if the spouse agrees without duress to open the marriage. Without that agreement it's cheating. Informing your spouse you're going to have sex outside the marriage regardless of what that spouse might think about it is informing that spouse you're going to cheat.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> *P.S. For the record I don't think it's murder if ones spouse tells them they will kill another or others, then subsequently tells them they are now doing that or have done it with others at the commencement of doing that or just after. Since if one isn't hiding it and they have informed their partner they're not technically murdering.*
> 
> Hmm. That logic doesn't really seem to carry through.


Of course it doesn't carry through, since the bolded text that you authored as quoted above is flawed and doesn't make any sense.

Do you understand that murder is the unlawful premeditated killing of one person by another?

Do you understand that adultery is the voluntary sharing of sex between a married person and a person or persons who are not their spouse?

Do you understand that cheating is an act or acts of dishonestly in order to gain an unfair advantage?

Do you understand that some adultery can involve or feature cheating, while not all adultery is cheating?


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

I don't have a high sex drive I can't say for sure what these people are thinking. Their drive for sex might be similar to a fat person who can't stop eating. They'll do some really stupid things in pursuit of food. 

I have a cousin who is so big, he sleeps bent over a chair. One thanksgiving, his second plate was bigger than his first plate. On the way to his house a couple of hours later he stopped to get a pizza that he are by himself. I have never seen anyone eat that much food.

If this woman's sex drive is as high as she says it is, I don't see an affair as a viable solution to meet that need unless she is planning to move in with a guy, but only come home to cook dinner.

Her best bet is to divorce and find another guy who is also HD. Even if she is awful in bed, he'll probably still do her in order to meet his own needs.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Ladyt1 said:


> Ok, yes there is someone i met.
> Last week i reconnected with the EA guy of 5yrs ago. We hadn’t spoken for 5yrs, i always maintained the NC my husband and i agreed on.
> 
> 2 days ago i was feeling the same as i do now, tired of the continuos rejections and needed to release, and he was more then willing, saying he always wnated more then EA but was scared to cross the boundaries
> ...


Why did you come here? You were already cheating and you wanted to humilate your loyal husband?

Glad you put all this in writing. If or when he comes here we can show this thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator warning:-*

Folks, if you think a poster is fake, or a troll, then you should hit the report button and fill out the reason why you are reporting them.

TAM forbids calling people out as trolls or fakes in the forum.

Such messages will be deleted and the Mod Squad reserves the right to take whatever other actions are deemed to be appropriate.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Ladyt1 said:


> So many judge Judy's in here.....





MattMatt said:


> No Judge Judys here. Just people who know the damage that your proposed actions can cause.


I don't know, have you even watched Judge Judy? She makes a lot of sense.

Sad about your self-inflicted marital disaster.

Fix it, do no more ham to anyone. Move on.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Im a horribly Voyer... And I confess I hope her husband or she comes back for follow up. Dude this is better than a day time soap opera...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator message:-*

As @Ladyt1 has requested that the thread be closed and as it is obvious she is not returning to this thread (apparently she did not receive affirmation that he cheating was 'justifiable') it is now being closed to new replies.


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