# my husband thinks i am fat?



## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

My husband was extremly over weight for probably the first 4 years of the 7 we were together and i loved him just as much as i do now.well in the past year or so he has lost alot of weight.which i am super proud of him for dont get me wrong..i lost some weight but now that he is skinnier he thinks i need to be "supermodel skinny" and since im not he doesnt find me atttactive..i just dont know how to handle this..i loved him and suported him threw his heavy days and now i am not good enough for him..am i over reacting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just so that we can get an idea, how tall are you and how much do you weight?

How many lbs did your husband lose.

This often happens when one person loses weight.

Is he willing to work with you and help you lose weight?


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## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

I am not denying that i could lose weight i could..but he is willing to throw our 7 year relationship and marriage for a year and a half down the drain for it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

He knows i struggled wit starving myself for a long time. To the point i would pass out..i just cant believe he would take me back down that road again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Christina25 said:


> He knows i struggled wit starving myself for a long time. To the point i would pass out..i just cant believe he would take me back down that road again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That does not sound healthy. 

Are you sure you want to stay with him?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I am at a loss for words. Sorry you are here asking the question you are. Marriage vows are for better or worse, sickness and in health. 

No one stays the same physique throughout their life.


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## wolfgang (Nov 29, 2015)

Does he really want you to look good or be healthier? There is a difference. I lost 40lbs and I am in the best shape of my life. I feel amazing! I am 47 and I can do things that I couldn't do when I was 20. I love my wife and think she looks good. She could look better but she don't have near the energy as I do and she gets sick easy (colds and such) I haven't been sick in at least 6 years. I really want her to feel like I do. It's not a matter of looking good to me but that does come with eating healthy, maintaining healthy and exercising. Good luck to you!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Check his phone records. He may already have someone on the side and is using weight as an excuse. I could be totally off base, but check to be sure.


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## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

I love him to death..but he just isnt the same person anymore..i just hope im not over reacting..this is just such a dark road for me ..it truely hurts that he would put me threw this.
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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I've observed that people who lose a lot of weight often have an unreasonable sense of how good they look and what they're entitled to.

I've seen this with every single case of weight loss surgery I know of and a few without surgery. They imagine they're now models.

One girl I know lost some weight and looked good. ....not like a model, just good. Yet she insists on frequenting parties where there are a lot of football players from our professional team because that's what she thinks she's entitled to. 

Did I mention she's in her early 40's and wonders why she's single? 

Maybe it's because said football players are young, wealthy athletes and can get young model types. But the weight loss has warped her sense of how good she looks and what she's entitled to.

I wonder if your hb is suffering from this delusion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

Heis attitude has 100% changed for the worst since he lost weight its like his ego ballooned . He looks good on the outside..but he is ugly on the inside
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sure he looks good but I'd bet he has an over inflated sense of just how good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golazen87 (Jan 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Just so that we can get an idea, how tall are you and how much do you weight?


There is a reason you did not answer this question.
Your husband isnt attracted to you and since he lost weight im sure he figured out he can do better. Sorry if that sound harsh but maybe it will motivate you.

Eat more times but each meal you eat just a little. Work out - running/gym whatever EVERYDAY or at least for a few days every week. Dont say you dont have time. Everyone can take 30 min a day for himself. If he doesnt find you attractive and wont have sex with you he will get his needs met elsewhere. it doesnt matter you loved him just as much as today when he was fat. think about it... im telling you this as a man.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

golazen87 said:


> There is a reason you did not answer this question.
> Your husband isnt attracted to you and since he lost weight im sure he figured out he can do better. Sorry if that sound harsh but maybe it will motivate you.
> 
> Eat more times but each meal you eat just a little. Work out - running/gym whatever EVERYDAY or at least for a few days every week. Dont say you dont have time. Everyone can take 30 min a day for himself. If he doesnt find you attractive and wont have sex with you he will get his needs met elsewhere. it doesnt matter you loved him just as much as today when he was fat. think about it... im telling you this as a man.


Are you implying if she doesn't lose weight her husband will cheat and it will be her fault?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It is reasonable for him to worry about your health if you are at an unhealthy weight - but i'm getting the impression that you are not.

It is not reasonable for him to expect you to lose weight just to look better. People (should) marry for life, and lets face it, no one looks as sexy at 60 as at 20. 

I think people should make some attempt to remain attractive to their partners, but that does not include trying to get below a healthy weight.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Christina25 said:


> My husband was extremly over weight for probably the first 4 years of the 7 we were together and i loved him just as much as i do now.well in the past year or so he has lost alot of weight.which i am super proud of him for dont get me wrong..i lost some weight but now that he is skinnier he thinks i need to be "supermodel skinny" and since im not he doesnt find me atttactive..i just dont know how to handle this..i loved him and suported him threw his heavy days and now i am not good enough for him..am i over reacting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no right or wrong shape, only those that one decides to attribute to attractiveness.

In my opinion, attractiveness is more for one's own feelings. I look how I want to feel, in essence. As a result, my partner dresses and presents herself however she wants to. As her partner, I love her and find the beauty - no matter what. I want her to be happy. Guilting someone over their weight can destroy one's self-happiness, which can seriously harm the relationship. Feeling unaccepted makes one feel uncomfortable in their relationship. What is a relationship without acceptance. Who are you supposed to be, then? Questioning you is questioning his marriage.

I just recommend being happy with yourself. If you feel you could exercise and eat better, then do it because it is good for your health. Although his attitude is a detriment to the relationship, he is the one really missing out by not seeing all of the beauty that you have.

Relationship Teacher


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm sorry to say this, but this is common.

He's used to feeling unattractive. And he got his ass in gear and is now feeling attractive.

This is going to go down one of three ways, depending on you and your husband.

Way #1: he dumps you because he thinks he can now do better. If he's shallow, this is effect to him like he's throwing out his fat clothes. You're part of his fat life, and he's moved on. Am I describing him?

Way #2: he falls off the wagon, gets fat again, and you guys go back to normal. He may do this because he doesn't want to lose you, or he may do this because this was really just a fad to him. I actually did this, to be honest. I got my six pack, my wife got really insecure because she couldn't keep up and her anxiety was going through the roof... So I backed off. To keep our relationship good. 

Way #3: he's actually happy being thin, and wants you to be thin and fit, too -- he's just coming out all ****ty about it but has a good heart. In this case, talk to him about it, and tell him about your goals. And if what is actually happening is that you're overweight and insecure now, you can work together on that -- either becoming more fit or becoming more secure or both.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Christina25 said:


> My husband was extremly over weight for probably the first 4 years of the 7 we were together and i loved him just as much as i do now.well in the past year or so he has lost alot of weight.which i am super proud of him for dont get me wrong..i lost some weight but now that he is skinnier he thinks i need to be "supermodel skinny" and since im not he doesnt find me atttactive..i just dont know how to handle this..i loved him and suported him threw his heavy days and now i am not good enough for him..am i over reacting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Supermodels are underweight, and often very young, so that is not an attainable weight for anyone who wasn't born with the 6 ft tall skinny model genes. He's being ridiculous to expect anyone to meet that standard, and he's especially ridiculous to think that you in particular should be able to, or want to, meet that standard.

I don't think you're overreacting. I think you are right to be concerned and angry that your H seemingly does want to throw away his marriage and is unable to provide you with the loving support you have provided him.

How do you feel about him now? Would you still want to marry him knowing what you know now about the kind of person he is? Knowing how he thinks, are you still attracted to him? Maybe divorce wouldn't be the worst thing for you, you know. 

I couldn't imagine living with a person I knew was looking at me and thinking, "ew, this woman who loves me and married me as I was now isn't good enough for me." Hell no, buh-bye, don't let the door hit you on the way out, buddy.


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## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

we both joined the gym together and he just lost more weight then me.he would get mad when i dont go to the gym as often. His exact words where he worked hard to look good and its not fair to him that i dont. Its very hard its something u cant just forget about. Makes u feel gross and unaccepted everyday. I just dont think i can forgive him for that.. i am part of his fat life and he wants a new life and someone he finds more attractive..i feel used..when he was at his worst i didnt trezt him any different and now hes healthy i just get the boot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Now that he's shown you who he really is perhaps you should reconsider staying married to him.

And statistically the odds are very good that he'll gain some weight back. 

He thinks you're beneath him. Are you sure you want to be married to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

My message will seem cruel, I am sorry. You are clearly in a lot of pain.

It would help us understand where you are coming from if we had some idea of your weight and height. For all BMI's faults, if it says you are a suitable weight then we can start to eliminate that. If your BMI says you are obese it might be that he is being shallow and cruel, or concerned (or both).


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

marduk said:


> I'm sorry to say this, but this is common.
> 
> He's used to feeling unattractive. And he got his ass in gear and is now feeling attractive.
> 
> ...


I have seen bariatric surgery in women cause way #1 about ten times over the past 5 years. Once chubby females that got near zero male attention, after surgery now get a lot. I am sure it works the other way too. 

I think the OP's H is trying hard for way3, but is just not very tactful about it.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

golazen87 said:


> There is a reason you did not answer this question.


I don't tell people my weight even when they're standing right in front of me. She might not be avoiding the question just because she thinks we won't like the answer.

The answer would be helpful, but lots of women don't share their weight.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I guess the question is, ARE you fat? Or does he just think anything other than Kelly Ripa thin is too big? (My ex husband is this way)


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> we both joined the gym together and he just lost more weight then me.he would get mad when i dont go to the gym as often. His exact words where he worked hard to look good and its not fair to him that i dont.


Wow, I'd be ticked if my partner said something like this to me. I'm sorry he's talking to you that way...its mean.

I am tall and when I was younger would have swings in my weight. I'd always get it under control but the problem when I dieted is that I can be an extremist with things, had a lot of trouble with moderation and would get way too thin. So most of my young adult life...I felt either too fat or too thin and could never achieve a good weight.

I knew I needed to stop thinking about food and health the same way so I started doing some research and figured out that health is a lot simpler than I was making it....so I created some simple "rules." 

I stopped eating meat. Not because its always bad for you...you can get some great organic meats....but for me, going vegetarian (I'm a vegan now) helped me regulate my caloric intake. I switched to low mercury fish.

I started writing down what I ate. I keep a food journal daily. After about 6 months, it became habit to remember what I ate so that I could be conscious of the stuff that was going in my mouth.

I tried to eat as much raw food as I could. Simply put, the more food you put in your mouth that is untouched by processing, the better. Stop eating anything out of a can or a box as much as possible. The preservatives, nitrates etc are just bad for you. 

Cook for yourself...try to minimize restaurants and pre-cooked foods from the store. When you cook yourself, you know what's going in your food and you regulate your intake.

Don't limit yourself when you want to eat something. If you want dessert, have some. Just make it yourself with healthy ingredients. 

Find exercise you like to do. (This one was hard for me, I used to loathe exercise). You don't have to kill yourself to workout either.

Your husband should be approaching this from a standpoint of health, not how you look. You look better when you feel better and you're not going to feel better when you have someone pressuring you and stressing you out. 

My advice, ignore him and try to find ways to take care of you for you. If he can't get on-board with you doing that...what the hell do you need him for?


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## Christina25 (Dec 30, 2015)

I will not tell u my weight not because im embaressed or care what u think about it..yes i could lose weight .but i dont think anyone is getting my point..regardless of what i weight.my believe is he should love me for who i am not because im thin,fat,bbig boob,etc. U should love me as a person. And he married me the way i look right now. I havent gained weight since we got married . When we started dating 7 years ago i loved him for who he was not for how he looked on the outside. .we would of never dated if i did because he was extremely over weight. .i guess the world isnt this way anymore if u dont fit in a size 2 u are garbage to the world and need to put down the cheese burger..just because i wear a size 12 doesnt mean i am not the nicest damn person u will ever meet i would give up everything to help but some people will never see that because they cant see past my size.

Sorry for the rant..this is a super touchy subject that i feel strongly about. All of a sudden the world is full with sallow human beingings.its sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

He got exactly what he signed up for. He has no right to demand that you change, just because he did. 

However, he does have a right to leave. I agree that his position is unfair, but if he doesn't change it, you have to choose.

If he told you tomorrow that he will leave if you don't lose the weight, which would you choose?

If you'd rather have him, maybe you could just agree to eating healthy and working out regularly. If you're making a reasonable effort to be healthy, that's what's important. If he really just wants you to be supermodel thin, I'd be curious to know how he explains that without making an a** of himself.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Christina25 said:


> I will not tell u my weight not because im embaressed or care what u think about it..yes i could lose weight .but i dont think anyone is getting my point..regardless of what i weight.my believe is he should love me for who i am not because im thin,fat,bbig boob,etc. U should love me as a person. And *he married me the way i look right now*. I havent gained weight since we got married . When we started dating 7 years ago i loved him for who he was not for how he looked on the outside. .we would of never dated if i did because he was extremely over weight. .i guess the world isnt this way anymore if u dont fit in a size 2 u are garbage to the world and need to put down the cheese burger..just because i wear a size 12 doesnt mean i am not the nicest damn person u will ever meet i would give up everything to help but some people will never see that because they cant see past my size.
> 
> Sorry for the rant..this is a super touchy subject that i feel strongly about. All of a sudden the world is full with sallow human beingings.its sad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this is a big deal. the fact he dated, proposed and married you how you are now. if you have not gained significant weight then i think he is being very superficial and overbearing.

i will disagree with you a bit on your implied view however. attractiveness should be towards the entire person; their mind, their soul, their personality AND their appearance. i think you are stretching when you say he should love you no matter what. yes, he should love you know matter what, but not in the same way if you were grossly obese. he should still love you, but you should not fault him for not being attracted towards you or critical.

however, that is a moot point and minor quibbling because he married you the way you are and that should be good enough.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> this is a big deal. the fact he dated, proposed and married you how you are now. if you have not gained significant weight then i think he is being very superficial and overbearing.
> 
> i will disagree with you a bit on your implied view however. attractiveness should be towards the entire person; their mind, their soul, their personality AND their appearance. i think you are stretching when you say he should love you no matter what. yes, he should love you know matter what, but not in the same way if you were grossly obese. he should still love you, but you should not fault him for not being attracted towards you or critical.
> 
> however, that is a moot point and minor quibbling because he married you the way you are and that should be good enough.


Yep, I agree. 

If you'd gained a ton of weight, I think we could all see his point. But, you haven't, and this is very hurtful for you . I'm sorry .


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let me ask you something as compassionately as I can.

If your husband no longer found you attractive -- for any reason -- how would you want him to tell you?

Or would you want him to tell you at all?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Christina25 said:


> I will not tell u my weight not because im embaressed or care what u think about it..yes i could lose weight .but i dont think anyone is getting my point..regardless of what i weight.my believe is he should love me for who i am not because im thin,fat,bbig boob,etc. U should love me as a person. And he married me the way i look right now. I havent gained weight since we got married . When we started dating 7 years ago i loved him for who he was not for how he looked on the outside. .we would of never dated if i did because he was extremely over weight. .i guess the world isnt this way anymore if u dont fit in a size 2 u are garbage to the world and need to put down the cheese burger..just because i wear a size 12 doesnt mean i am not the nicest damn person u will ever meet i would give up everything to help but some people will never see that because they cant see past my size.
> 
> Sorry for the rant..this is a super touchy subject that i feel strongly about. All of a sudden the world is full with sallow human beingings.its sad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not judging you by your size nor waiting to do so. 

I have had friends in the awkward position of having to either ignore their girlfriend's unhealthy weight and lifestyle or address it with them directly. I assure you the easy shallow thing (that some would do) was just to move on if they found them unattractive and ignore it if it did not bother them aesthetically. A couple of those men did address it specifically because they did love their others as people.

There are a few options, and one is that your husband is very shallow and now thinks he can do better or deserves better, or even resents you. It is also possible that he has found a new lease of life and confidence and, with the zealotry of a convert he wants the same for you. If he does want the same for you, most people underestimate how difficult it is to implement lifestyle changes. The most effective weight loss method for obese people (BMI >35) is usually bariatric surgery as it is very difficult through lifestyle and often only temporary. Either of these will leave you in a horrible position.

People often confuse what love is. It may be that having found happiness in overcoming his weight, he finds it frustrating that you will not follow him and it pains him. This is not love, but as the demand is that someone else look after themselves better, it is often confused with love.

I realize I am being very blunt with you. People were blunt, almost brutal with me when I was no here and in some cases I was grateful for it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Well, as the insensitive male stereotype, I will go into fixing the problem.
Your husband wants you to lose weight. If you would like to lose weight, then do so. Cut out sugar and stop drinking soda of any kind and you will feel better.
If you do not want to do that, then tell your husband that you are not willing to do so and to accept it and be happy or sod off.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> When we started dating 7 years ago i loved him for who he was not for how he looked on the outside. .we would of never dated if i did because he was extremely over weight. .i guess the world isnt this way anymore if u dont fit in a size 2 u are garbage to the world and need to put down the cheese burger..just because i wear a size 12 doesnt mean i am not the nicest damn person u will ever meet i would give up everything to help but some people will never see that because they cant see past my size.
> 
> Sorry for the rant..this is a super touchy subject that i feel strongly about. All of a sudden the world is full with sallow human beingings.its sad


I agree with you mostly except that I think its somewhat unrealistic to expect everything to stay the same from the time you started dating.

Relationships change and so do the people in them. And you either grow together or you grow apart.

For instance, if you both met and were smokers and he quit smoking, he might be having a really hard time if you were still smoking and it might affect your relationship.

However, his failure is that he should be approaching this weight issue from a concern from your health, not a concern that you're not "hot enough." I would agree that his approach comes off as very shallow.

If it was me, I'd let him know that I'd work on my health but that you want him to work on his character...otherwise, you'll be looking elsewhere.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

This is not a test of weight or attractiveness though many posters have insightful things to say about that topic. This is about control and learning to communicate respectfully.

My fiance is overweight and his weight fluctuates. I am an under 6 minute mile runner at 5 feet and I carry more than 20 pounds of muscle and little to no fat.

I accept my fiance as he is. I knew his lifestyle before we started dating. I would prefer he is healthy. I brought up the subject once, explained my reasonings and let it go. It is not under my control.

Marriagebuilders, I believe it is called, suggests when there is a fundamental lifestyle difference, such as religion, to openly discuss the difference and points of views clearly for 3 months and have them try it out for 3 months and then drop the conversation and let control of the others decision from then on.

Your husband can read about this and stop giving small jabs and judgements. This is him trying to control instead of having an honest conversation. He may never have learned how to. It is a difficult skill to learn.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can't force him to find you attractive, just as he can't force you to find him attractive. The thing is, you could go down to a size 4 within the next year and perhaps suddenly become attractive to him. He, however, has shown you his hurtful side and you probably won't forget it.

So, where you are now, neither one of you finds the other particularly attractive. His reasons are superficial and yours are not. This could easily be a death knell to your M. Do you feel that it is?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It is difficult, as unfortunately weight is something that women are judged by (especially by other women and themselves). I am not sure there is a sensitive way of bringing it up and the two cases in which men I consider to be sensitive raised it, the relationship was severely threatened. 

VirgenTecte, I suspect this situation is more delicate generally when it is the woman's weight being discussed. When I needed a lot of food and was slim, many women would get angry about it. I think you offer excellent advice though.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Mr the other,

You are absolutely right about it being sensitive and thank you for bringing that up. I would suggest implementing a more sensitive style of communication and pointing a stop on any discussion or jabs about weight until both have restored respect and created a healthier form of communication

Most of our most touchy conversations revolve around expectations societally, familial and personally. That is why our conversation style is so important so that our hot emotions do not break respect for ourselves and others.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Christina25 said:


> My husband was extremly over weight for probably the first 4 years of the 7 we were together and i loved him just as much as i do now.well in the past year or so he has lost alot of weight.which i am super proud of him for dont get me wrong..i lost some weight but now that he is skinnier he thinks i need to be "supermodel skinny" and since im not he doesnt find me atttactive..i just dont know how to handle this..i loved him and suported him threw his heavy days and now i am not good enough for him..am i over reacting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You aren't over reacting.

Had he wanted to marry someone super skinny he should be married to this hot little babe! :rofl:


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

There are two sides of this issue..

1) Some fat people become extremely shallow and superficial when they lose weight. Now that they look better, they feel they can do better than the one they settled for previously.

2) While losing weight, some people buy into the new healthy lifestyle with better food and hobbies in general. This sometimes causes insecurity in their SO, who resist these changes as they fear the outcome. So they drag them back to unhealthy habits


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Christina25 said:


> My husband was extremly over weight for probably the first 4 years of the 7 we were together and i loved him just as much as i do now.well in the past year or so he has lost alot of weight.which i am super proud of him for dont get me wrong..i lost some weight but now that he is skinnier he thinks i need to be "supermodel skinny" and since im not he doesnt find me atttactive..i just dont know how to handle this..i loved him and suported him threw his heavy days and now i am not good enough for him..am i over reacting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You both were heavier and loved each other no matter what.

Then your hubby lost the weight and now is in great shape?

He doesn't find you as attractive anymore?


With some couples, if one loses weight and gets in shape, usually the other one does the same. They do this together.

If one does and the other doesn't, then that could lead to issues. Like him starting to look around, flirting, texting for now. It does happen.


In my case, I was super skinny with thick glasses. Mrs.CuddleBug saw through that and married me anyway. Today, I am muscular, big and strong with laser eye surgery. Do I look around at other ladies, flirting, texting, etc.? No.

Do I get hit on more and flirted with? Definitely Yes.


Weight comes and goes. He could easily gain all the weight back in a few years, like many do. This is probably new to him and its going to take time for him to adjust.


Mrs.CuddleBug is a bigger girl, probably like your hubby. She could easily lose the weight but something always comes up and her motivation just isn't there. I still love her and want sex with her all the time. I love her more the longer we have been married together than when we first got married.


Why not go to a gym? Lose the weight and get in great shape, like your hubby has done.

If you lost the weight and got in great shape but your hubby is obese and unmotivated, would you honestly be faithful to him? Or would you look around, flirt and maybe text? Being in fantastic shape would be new to you and you would have to adjust.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Christina25 said:


> we both joined the gym together and he just lost more weight then me.he would get mad when i dont go to the gym as often. His exact words where he worked hard to look good and its not fair to him that i dont. Its very hard its something u cant just forget about. Makes u feel gross and unaccepted everyday. I just dont think i can forgive him for that.. i am part of his fat life and he wants a new life and someone he finds more attractive..i feel used..when he was at his worst i didnt trezt him any different and now hes healthy i just get the boot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How often does he go and how often do you go ? Give me a number. 

Does he think you do not put proper effort ? Sometimes the issue can be about the actual effort than the results.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I agree with you mostly except that I think its somewhat unrealistic to expect everything to stay the same from the time you started dating.
> 
> Relationships change and so do the people in them. And you either grow together or you grow apart.
> 
> ...



Hot enough is also a valid issue under certain circumstances. Staying attractive and fit enough for your partner when she/he does not reciprocate or put any effort into it can be hard. 

The point of contention would be the "fit enough/hot enough"

Just because you married does not mean you give up on personal improvement as a person.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I agree with you mostly except that I think its somewhat unrealistic to expect everything to stay the same from the time you started dating.
> 
> Relationships change and so do the people in them. And you either grow together or you grow apart.
> 
> ...


I agree completely except the part about the character. We do not have enough info to make that judgement IMO. There are few good ways to bring the topic of weight with your wife and not hurt her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is like some ex-smokers. As soon as they quit they became smoking Nazis against others who haven't quit.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Christina,

This crap happens a lot. Most of the times I have read about it is when women lose a lot of weight or get something "cosmetic" done, and all of a sudden attract a lot more attention from men. If he married you at the same weight as you are now, then he took his vows with no clause in there that you were going to be a size 2. 

My guess is he is feeling his oats because he is doing some flirting at the gym or worse, Andre getting some ego kibbles when he did not before.

You cannot make yourself sick losing weight. If you can trim down a little comfortably, try it. But I would remind him of what you said earlier. When he was "el blimpO", you did not criticize or demean him. You loved him, had sex with him, and remained a faithful spouse. 

THAT MAKES YOU THE GOOD GUY HERE!!!

Stand up for yourself, and do not let him bully you. What he is doing now seems a little shallow, especially if you have not gained a lkot of weight but are the same weight as on your wedding day or close to it.

If you need to get into MC.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Funny I find my wife attractive despite that she is no longer very thin. I see her as the day I married her. I know there is not a woman alive that believes that but to me its true. In fact she grows more beautiful with age. It's whats in your heart that matters.

It shows how superficial your husband is, he was overweight and I can tell you that he did not want you to shun him, but now he is doing it you. This is not something easily forgiven.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

giddiot said:


> Funny I find my wife attractive despite that she is no longer very thin. I see her as the day I married her. I know there is not a woman alive that believes that but to me its true. In fact she grows more beautiful with age. It's whats in your heart that matters.
> 
> It shows how superficial your husband is, he was overweight and I can tell you that he did not want you to shun him, but now he is doing it you. This is not something easily forgiven.


I felt the same way about my ex. Of course, she is not nearly so beautiful now. I can see her how other people see her now. But I never saw her as big when we were married. She got up to 226 when we had our middle child, and I had no problem with it. Still loved her. 

OP, you don't honestly think he will keep this weight off, do you? He will likely gain it all back. Even if he had a surgical procedure. When he does, he'll change his tune. You won't. You'll even be more resentful since you feel his opinion changed when he got more slender.
The hen will come home to roost. Be patient.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Christina25 said:


> I will not tell u my weight not because im embaressed or care what u think about it..yes i could lose weight .but i dont think anyone is getting my point..regardless of what i weight.my believe is he should love me for who i am not because im thin,fat,bbig boob,etc. U should love me as a person. And he married me the way i look right now. I havent gained weight since we got married . When we started dating 7 years ago i loved him for who he was not for how he looked on the outside. .we would of never dated if i did because he was extremely over weight. .i guess the world isnt this way anymore if u dont fit in a size 2 u are garbage to the world and need to put down the cheese burger..just because i wear a *size 12 *doesnt mean i am not the nicest damn person u will ever meet i would give up everything to help but some people will never see that because they cant see past my size.
> 
> Sorry for the rant..this is a super touchy subject that i feel strongly about. All of a sudden the world is full with sallow human beingings.its sad


I'm glad that you shared at least your clothing size. Why? Well you are right that he married you as you are. You loved and supported him when the was way over weight. You have not changed. He has.. and I'm not just talking about his weight.

Knowing your size clothing tells us how completely ridiculous he is being. Size 12 is actually smaller than average. The average woman in the USA is 5'4", size 14. And that was before our population put on a lot of weight in the last decade or so.

The truth is that he does not know how to handle his new weight loss and is emotionally in over his head. Were he not, he would not be looking at you this way. He will most likely put the weight back on because he seems to be in some emotional turmoil.

I wonder how willing you will be to be supportive of him when he does that.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Size 12 does suggest he is being ridiculous.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

golazen87 said:


> There is a reason you did not answer this question.
> Your husband isnt attracted to you and since he lost weight im sure he figured out he can do better. Sorry if that sound harsh but maybe it will motivate you.
> 
> Eat more times but each meal you eat just a little. Work out - running/gym whatever EVERYDAY or at least for a few days every week. Dont say you dont have time. Everyone can take 30 min a day for himself. If he doesnt find you attractive and wont have sex with you he will get his needs met elsewhere. it doesnt matter you loved him just as much as today when he was fat. think about it... im telling you this as a man.


I think her husband just joined the thread.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Christina25 said:


> I will not tell u my weight not because im embaressed or care what u think about it..yes i could lose weight .but i dont think anyone is getting my point..regardless of what i weight.my believe is he should love me for who i am not because im thin,fat,bbig boob,etc. U should love me as a person.


You're being unrealistic. He's not attracted to you anymore and the writing is on the wall. Either lose the weight or lose him and look forward to a boatload of medical problems including diabetes heart problems increased cancer risk and shorter life expectancy to name a few. I know what I'd do.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

header said:


> Christina25 said:
> 
> 
> > I will not tell u my weight not because im embaressed or care what u think about it..yes i could lose weight .but i dont think anyone is getting my point..regardless of what i weight.my believe is he should love me for who i am not because im thin,fat,bbig boob,etc. U should love me as a person.
> ...


She says she is a size 12. Depending on her frame type and height, she may not be "overweight" at all.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are fine, OP. Lose unnecessary weight by losing *him*.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

My h told me that one of the reasons he cheated was because I had gained weight. He had sent signals to me that he wanted me to use SlimQuick, and he said on occasion that because my job was so stressful perhaps that's why I had put on a little weight. I was a size 12. OW was skinny. But since they've been together, she had a hysterectomy and I saw a picture of her and she has a HUGE stomach now. And one of the times he came home and we went on a trip, he told me that he was sorry he said what he did about my weight, and that he never lost his attraction for me. 

A lot of this has to do with what is going on with him. Regardless, Marduk's post with the three ways this plays out still holds. Maybe your h wants you to share in his interest in getting healthy because he wants it for you too, but he's being insensitive or clumsy about it. Or it could be about control. 

OR it could be that he thinks he is all that and a bag of chips and he is testing you to see if you think the same about him and if you are willing to knuckle under and make yourself "worthy" of him in his mind. 

What struck me about your post is what you said about your desire that he love you just as you are. The whole time h was going through his MLC and resuming occasional contact with OW was that I was ready to let him go because I believed with all my heart that if someone is going to be in my life, be my partner, they need to love me as I am, warts and all, and not try to change me. Sure, there could be fine tuning and improvements to be made, BUT you accepted him as he was. He is not returning the favor, and I think that's what bothers you the most. You gave him a great gift, seeing into the man he was or portrayed himself to be inside and loved the package he was in. You want the same, and the reason it is so significant is because for you, it was a loving act and an act imbued with commitment. You're not getting the same in return. 

If you are the same size you were, I can't for the life of me see why you need to change. It is him that has changed, and there's something about him that has changed or was there and latent all the time. Perhaps the poster who said he perceived you as Plan B and "settled" for you is right, but it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that he accepted your loving acceptance and embrace of him as he was because he feared that would never happen, and he is not man enough to realize what a gift that was, and how valuable you are for extending it. 

That doesn't mean he's obligated to love you, but it should mean that he's man enough to respect you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Why not go to a gym? Lose the weight and get in great shape, like your hubby has done.
> 
> If you lost the weight and got in great shape but your hubby is obese and unmotivated, would you honestly be faithful to him? Or would you look around, flirt and maybe text? Being in fantastic shape would be new to you and you would have to adjust.


I'm sorry but, as a person who lost a considerable amount of weight I didn't suddenly become unfaithful and "looking around" flirting and randomly texting men. So ... all of this "What can you expect" is a total cop out. 

If the "new you" is a person without morals so be it, but if the only thing keeping you from being a cheat all along was a fear of failure at it because of your looks then there's way deeper problems at hand.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Size 12 is fine. You should never starve yourself but I do think it's important to take care of yourself and try to look attractive to your spouse. I'm unlike most women in that I have a tendency to get too thin but I have large bones. Therefore if my weight goes below a certain weight and my normal size ten drops down to an 8 or 6, (still not supermodel skinny, note) my periods completely halt and my face starts to look gaunt and hollow. I'm actually in that predicament right now as I spent last fall so stressed out that I only ate one meal per day and was breastfeeding at the same time until my mother told me I looked emancipated, my bones and veins started to jut out, and I then proceeded to get so sick I had to miss six days of work.

My husband didn't complain but I knew I looked bad and even though we are married I still try to look good for him so I have been making it a priority to start exercising and eating healthy and very substantial meals throuhout the day to try to look healthy again. If I were you I wouldn't try to lose weight because your weight is probably fine but it wouldn't hurt to try to tone up and eat healthy. 

Yes it is hurtful what he said but I think physical attraction is important between a couple. Yes it is superficial but most people are at least somewhat superficial that way. I think looks matter to most people because most married couples are at least similar in levels of attractiveness. You don't often meet couples where one spouse is significantly more attractive than the other, and if looks really didn't matter to most people you'd see that all the time. Just don't do anything extreme like starve yourself and no, being supermodel skinny is not healthy and completely unrealistic.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Yes it is hurtful what he said but I think physical attraction is important between a couple.


It's goal posting changing for him to suddenly decide she's not good enough. If he wasn't attracted to her, he shouldn't have married her. Otherwise, he was lying to himself and to her. And my sympathy is really zero. 



> You don't often meet couples where one spouse is significantly more attractive than the other, and if looks really didn't matter to most people you'd see that all the time.


Uh, I see that a lot in and around Milwaukee.


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