# Why are some men afraid to go to MC or IC?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

My husband thinks therapists or any type of counseling is for "crazy" people. He does not think that some "d...head" could help us in any way. 
To me is very harsh to call someone -with two degrees in psychology and family counseling, years of experience -that NAME and think he cannot help us.
Why is it that some men see counseling or therapy as enemy to them?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Same reason women do. Fear.

They fear things that are different, things they don't understand and prefer to stay in their comfort zone than seek help.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It is easy to tell yourself things are good or going to work out. If you go to a professional, you might get introduced to the truth.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Why is it that some men see counseling or therapy as enemy to them?


IMO, men are more skeptical of everything. That also means they're less likely to see a doctor when something is wrong.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Why is it that some men see counseling or therapy as enemy to them?


Traditionally, too many women have used counseling as a trap to gather more information to use against their husbands in divorce proceedings and try to get a better settlement. Today's no fault environment makes that a lot less valuable but many men are still fearful and unfortunately, some women are still scheming.

In my personal situation, my wife views counseling or therapy as a punishment that she can cause me to be subjected to when she has judged me to be culpable. Something like "you have to go to counseling because you've been a bad boy". This is self fulfilling for her. She never pays attention when we go and after a couple sessions she loses interest.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Another thing is that men aren't good with emotions.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

My husband always blamed me for everything. I told him, if that is true, should not you be happy to find out you were right and hear confirmation from professional? What are you afraid of then?
I think it would just help him to open up. He lost his dad recently, got stressful job, anger problems and me on the top of it. 

He said he will do MC if I admit to work on myself. Just make me wonder why is it always me who has to start with everything?

But I am open to all help I can get. Even though it may be hard pill to swallow.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

therapist only tell you the things you already know or are afraid to admit. 

I have been 2 times in my life, both were a waste of time. The therapist I dated was a complete headcase. what kind of person would want to dedicate their life to hearing other people's crap??? they deal in theory, they agree with you.

If a therapist want to gain my respect they have to be willing to practically slap me in the face with my flaws. but in my experience and from what i have witnessed. they just chat with you for an hour, collect their fee and schedule the next appt. for them to actually accomplish anything would make them unessecary.

off the top of my head anyway...


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> therapist only tell you the things you already know or are afraid to admit.
> 
> I have been 2 times in my life, both were a waste of time. The therapist I dated was a complete headcase. what kind of person would want to dedicate their life to hearing other people's crap??? they deal in theory, they agree with you.
> 
> ...


Hope that won't be my case. I am putting my hopes in my MC. I had IC before. I really liked that lady but she would talk about her life for quite some time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most abusers never want to go to MC or IC cause they know they will be called out on their bullsh!t. Which is probably true for your abusive husband.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't think it's gender specific. 

Many people are afraid of the unknown. It could be he has no idea what to expect from counselling so voices his fear as distrust of the process.

The other possibility is as others suggested he's afraid to confront his demons. 

My ex was dismissive of counselling. There are parts of her childhood that she does not remember. I'm suspicious she has buried things and is terrified of digging them up.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Marital therapy focuses on the relationship and patterns in the relationship. Too often men think the therapists are too focused on emotions, etc, and forget that martial therapists can very effectively help couples build better problem solving strategies and better communication skills. It is often helpful to suggest that couples try 6-8 sessions and see of it is helpful. This will often lower defensiveness
Finding the right qualified marital therapist, who has specialty training in marital therapy is essential
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Because the last thing I need is some enabling douche bag to be telling me its my fault the affair happened.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I went to counselling when my marriage broke down. At first it was with the hope of saving the marriage but quickly turned into individual counselling to help me move forward. 

One thing I learned is you have to find the right counsellor for you. You may not necessarily click with the first one so in that case I recommend trying a new one. 

I can appreciate finding a couples counsellor acceptable to both sides is a greater challenge. I never got the far so I don't have experience with that.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

You seem to think it's just men who complain and fight it. A woman can be just as resistant. It can be uncomfortable, because a good counselor is going to be neutral, and either partner might not like learning that both of them are part of the problem, and that its wrong to blame just one person.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Men are usually afraid to go to MC or IC because of ego.

Very few people could admit that they were wrong,we all like validation. 
With men it is even harder , because he sees himself as leader.
But I have learnt that sometimes and outside view can present a different vantage point on a problem.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Because the last thing I need is some enabling douche bag to be telling me its my fault the affair happened.


I do not think any counselor would tell you that. Nor they will make decision for you to get divorce. Or at least that is my experience.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband thinks therapists or any type of counseling is for "crazy" people. He does not think that some "d...head" could help us in any way.
> To me is very harsh to call someone -with two degrees in psychology and family counseling, years of experience -that NAME and think he cannot help us.
> Why is it that some men see counseling or therapy as enemy to them?


Probably afraid the counselor will confirm he is doing something wrong and needs to actually put in some effort to fix it, and they don't want to. They want to believe they are right, and always right.

In all fairness though...I do agree with what some of the guys on here have said about guys not being comfortable with the emotion aspect of it, and liking to fix things themselves.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

In my case, I tried MC and am still in IC by choice. My wife is the one who is afraid to go.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband thinks therapists or any type of counseling is for "crazy" people. He does not think that some "d...head" could help us in any way.
> To me is very harsh to call someone -with two degrees in psychology and family counseling, years of experience -that NAME and think he cannot help us.
> Why is it that some men see counseling or therapy as enemy to them?


My husband, when he found out I was going to a different counselor on a weekly basis, said, "Great! Those always turn out so well in the end..." which I took to mean that he knows they are going to make me see he's an a**hole and needs to change, he won't change, so I'll end up leaving him in the end. So he knows it won't turn out good FOR HIM.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I've seen a few counsellors in my life but I only connected with one and it was one of the best experiences but also very hard. I had to deal with all my baggage but I'm much better for it. I'm ging back not counselling again, just to do a bit of tweaking. You do hav to open to the process an a good counsellor wont tell you what you are doing wrong. My H really needs to go I to IC but he's scared. he had an ug,y childhood, if you can even call it that and has has always had trouble dealing with his on emotions. Id give anything if he went into IC.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Acorn said:


> In my case, I tried MC and am still in IC by choice. My wife is the one who is afraid to go.


Same here. Wife would only go when I had one foot out the door and stopped going when the counselor started pointing out issues SHE had.

It's funny because my wife told me that she would go so that (a) I could pay $250/hr for TWO women to tell me I'm an a-hole and (b) so MY problems could be straightened out.

People (men and women) are afraid to go because they will see that they play a part in the problems in a marriage, despite their contention that it's all someone else's fault.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I know I do lots of mistakes but I went anyway. I know it will be hard pill to swallow when he starts telling me what is my part of not working marriage. 
My husband does not want to go and yet, makes fun of me going and makes fun of my doctor. 
I told him the other day, If you have nothing nice to say, just be quiet. Did not work at all.

Yesterday, when my MC asked what were our happy times and what was happy about them, I just did not know what to say. I did not remember...I tried to go back but I could not say any examples even though I knew there were happy times.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I know I do lots of mistakes but I went anyway. I know it will be hard pill to swallow when he starts telling me what is my part of not working marriage.
> My husband does not want to go and yet, makes fun of me going and makes fun of my doctor.
> I told him the other day, If you have nothing nice to say, just be quiet. Did not work at all.
> 
> Yesterday, when my MC asked what were our happy times and what was happy about them, I just did not know what to say. I did not remember...I tried to go back but I could not say any examples even though I knew there were happy times.


You need to tell your husband you need him to stop acting childish and you need him to be supportive not diminishing. My husband might not have liked the fact that I'm going to IC, but at least he isn't making fun of it and has tried to show some positive interest in my progress...

Tell him you are going because you need to work certain things out that you know he doesn't understand, but just because he doesn't understand them doesn't mean they are meaningless. I had to say that to mine. Acknowledging that you understand the fact that he might not understand it is a very grown up and positive thing for you to do. Be the grown up in the relationship.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

I guess this is as good of a time as any for a first post. I think it is anybody that has been asked by their spouse to go to counseling. In my case, I thought it may bring up more issues than the ones that she/we were having problems with. I'm also a linear thinker and feel there should be an end in sight somewhere, and get quite frustrated with the whole ordeal sometimes when I see us going back in time to something that was brought up a month or two ago. It feels like there is no end in sight sometimes. She is unfortunately/or fortunately for her a social worker and tells me that this is the way therapy works and you it isn't linear with an end in sight, there is a goal but not an end. She likened it to a flower and we are circling around some of the pedals and sometimes hit one of them again when we are brought there to try and clear up that issue some more.
So my thinking is that, we men don't like to get into something that we don't have control over.


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## uraha (Jul 9, 2012)

Because we're not supposed to *need* counseling.

We're men. We learned early on that we're just supposed to *know* how to manage our lives--and how to do it *right.*


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Because then you admit that somethings wrong or you cant fix it yourself and heaven forbid you might have to talk about FEELINGS or something


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Because then you admit that somethings wrong or you cant fix it yourself  and heaven forbid you might have to talk about FEELINGS or something


I know! Feelings...I have hard time talk about them too, so I prefer write him letter, email, etc. He won't do any of it. 

And it is true, it is not just males who are afraid. I was just wondering about them.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some can also see it as a weakness when they have to consult a third party about their relationship issues. In fact, it is a sign of great strength, IMO.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> Some can also see it as a weakness when they have to consult a third party about their relationship issues. In fact, it is a sign of great strength, IMO.


That's a good point. My wife insisted that we shouldn't need to discuss our problems with anyone outside of our family (meaning her and me).


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

There are a couple reasons I think (atleast that I feel)
1. Same reason they don't want to go to the doctor. They will go if you make the appointment and make sure they go, but not going to do it on their own.
2. It can be seen as a sign of weakness agreeing to do this without some form of convincing. 
3. It can make you really dig down into the truth


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