# The road back from infidelity



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

A cheaters side and the hope of better things to come. How many of you that cheated wonder how do I move forward with my marriage and where do I go from here. A short bit of history. I am 47, married 20 + years, 3 kids, I have a fantastic wife that loves me and has walked through hell with me. I have read the porn debates and still not sure about my opinions on it. I have enjoyed it since I was about 13 and now I am trying to avoid it because my wife doesnt like me to view it. Although it is hard to not view it when it is around every corner and is almost an every day thing. ( how many woman could give up Chocolate if it could be emailed to you with a simple click of a button from other woman) Yes porn to men is like chocolate to woman. 

How I ended up having an affair. I became unhappy in my marriage, things quickly changed in my opinion after the marriage. Before we got married sex was something that was very important to me and it happened allot. In fact rabbits were jelous of our sex. Everything we did seemed to involve sex some how either before or after. When we were apart at college there was phone sex. When we were together there was pictures taken and shared. Not to get into too much detail but there was HOT HOT HOT things happening and all subjects was discussed freely. 

It felt like before we were married the Mrs was fishing for her life long partner. She knew what bait to use and was not affraid to use it. Toys and sexy outfits watching porn and hot sexy talks of wild things. I found the woman of my dreams. What would life be like without this hot sexy woman? I didnt want to find out. I had promises of life with this hot and sexual woman. I was happy to say I DO..



The first 3 years sex was still good but things changed a little she didnt want to watch porn with me that she use to watch. Penthouse forum that we read together was no longer shared but the sex was still good. I asked about her fantasys and was told she didnt really have fantasys the way I did. Oh well I was busy with building a carreer and so was she. We worked hard and played together. We were making good money and seemed to have fun together.

Along comes child number one. Focus in on the child and Dads sex life seems to be cut in half. I understood that it takes alot of energy to work and raise a child. Both still worked and there was day care for the little one which she was having a hard time with. I seemed to come after everything eles was done and many times when my time came up sleep was prefered. Call it selfish but I went from 1st to last in a couple years. She went to bed tired and I watched a tape and took care of my needs and then crawled into bed next to her and snuggled.

3 years baby number 2 comes along. Sex life is again cut in half. Time for romance is mostly comming from me to get her attention. Wife is more stressed with two kids and keeping up with carreer making the perfect home for kids. We move to a larger house. payments increase and money becomes more tight. Dads toys are sold. I seemed to move down another click in importance and my sex drive is nagging me but I am trying to be a good understanding father. Work hard dont beg for sex as the wife is tired. Do what you have to do she knows I watch videos and take care of my own needs. She seems ok as long as I am helping her around the house and taking care of kids and not nagging her for sex. I am seem to be watching even more Porn. Here comes the internet. 

Wow chat rooms and other people with starving sexual needs. A wife who is exhausted and decides to give up her carreer and watch kids at home for the extra income so she can be at home with the kids. The house is now filled with my kids and 4-5 other kids. She loves kids and is such the perfect MOM. Her life is about Kids. Kids arrive at 7 am and leave by 6 pm. Life again is busy. She is even more exhausted at night and goes to bed by 9 almost every evening. I explore the internet and chat with other people and discover a thing called cyber sex. I began to have to ask for sex from the MRS but she seemed too tired and a bit grumpy or preoccupied. The wife would leave to go visit her family and left me at home with chat and the internet when I had one lady asked if she could call me for phone sex. I knew it was wrong but with little to no sex in my life and a wife who didnt seem to want it either I said sure give me a call. Wow it was like the phone commercial said." it was almost like being there." The cycled continued and there was woman who talked about how great it would be if we met in person. Some lived close enough to meet.

Well the stars lined up and a meeting happened to just see how it would be if we met. She was unhappy in her marriage. Not enough sex and no intrest from her husband and I had the same on my end. I wouldnt have intercourse but I would kiss touch and make out. The wife was exausted and would rather sleep and I found a way to fill a void I was feeling. I met this lady a couple more times and was offered oral sex. Guess what that devil on my shoulder was saying? I was not getting much at home. I deserved to be happy too dont I? She has the kids and they do make her happy. I am making 80 percent of the income and she has very little time for me.

Kid number 3 comes along now 13 years later from saying I do. Sex life again cut in half. Kids are the focus. Soccer games, Horses, Scouts, Football Baseball. Carreer is demanding. Internet has free porn but she has decieded it was bad and no longer wants it in the house because of Kids. Huge fights come about that porn is now the evil of the world. Guilt trips are plenty because she knows I watch it. There have been more woman that I met on the internet. Life is out of control. I am not want to be doing this but I am. I am caught in it. I am a good dad and a bad husband.

Two years ago I confess to it with her. It is time to either save the marriage and make things better or finish it all. I am misserable. She claims to have no idea and is devestade. Hell moves into our house. 

I am out of time and I will try to finish this later, but it has been over two years and our marriage is better than ever. We have come through many hardships. The road of marriage has many hills and valleys. But everyone can make it work if the decided they want it to work.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

glad things are working out for you


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Like daddy stated, very happy for you and your wife.

But the following is a falliacy.

But everyone can make it work if the decided they want it to work. 

That is incorrect, its up to the individuals.

Some work it out ,some do not, some live in misery the rest of thier living lives.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Reidqa01

You have busy fingers today and as usual a unique grasp on how to use English as a somewhat foreign language 

I think you missed the phrase if "THEY" want to make it work. The key with the word "THEY" is that both parties want are working in a concerted effort not as individuals as you imply. Dont be so cynical. You might just be amazed at the power of free will and choice that we humans can muster.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Kirk,

You psot without reading.

I congratulate them.

They usually means one "which tends to be the cheating partner".

The other in majority of times has to be coaxed into falsehood lull of thoughts, which at present rate of post affair unhappy marriages.

Do you know these statisitics in which cheated on spouse lives it each day in misery.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

No, I read it just fine. "You said the following is a falicy" then refer to "they" as individuals. "They" being the key word. Perhaps its is again your unique grasp of the English language that has us all confused to your point. Or missing the point.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Again,

Ghe vast majority of so called forgive and forgrt marraiges is fake.

Its simply to sty together, there is no permanent trust or bond.

An eggshell is a shell, an steel shell is strong.

Egg is the result of serious marriage issue in which both partners live with each day.

Sorry about my english, but so thurthful in posts.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

That's not what this is about. When 2 adults choose to work on a problem as adults together, using adult logic, it is well within their abilities to either learn from/forgive/and grow from the experience or make the adult decision to part ways. Again, your refering to what happend to your ex-wife with such glee is just not a healthy place for you. We have all been wronged by someone in our past. What seperates good folk from bad is the ability to not wish harm on the wrongdoer. I had a college sweetheart break my heart into a billion pieces(caught her F*&^%$G) my roomate just after she accepted my marriage proposal. Was I pissed at her......yes. Would I have been happy if I found out later she had AIDS or laughed at her when she feel down a flight of stairs.......NO!! That's what seperates good souls from bad ones.

P.S. I ran into her several years ago, met her husband and kids and am happy as hell that she is happy.

P.P.S. People make mistakes. It does not mean that we should be happy when bad things happen to them. Unless your a sadist that is.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Kirk,

What happens when one doesn't want to wrk it out, show me a site that supports this person. To make them stronger, and ready to move on.

That is feely good polictical goobey goop, you are an animal unless you have progressed in evolution some 1,000,000 millions years from now.

I am here as the equalizer to comfort the ones ready to move on, no sugar sweets to be issued, just the reality.

Hey if she had you had no control of it, and it would be chaulked up to destiny. Well, when extreme bad karma is issued I usually comes around correct full circle.

The same is in reverse, he one that recieves the darkness is rewarded with the light.

See I recieved the light 28 yrs ago.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

If one of them does not want to work it out then the marriage should end. An affair is a deal breaker for most of us. There are plenty of examples here of people saying "leave". There a plenty of examples here where if I could talk to the non-posting spouse I'd say "leave". So although I can appreciate your motivations your cynicism still come from a place that was notched into your being some 28 years ago. It just does not seem healthy.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Kirk,

Trust me, very very healthy both mentality and physically.

Looked what happened and then the new life.

To me its like a man who nearly dies, then has a calling to be a man of god.

I am here amongst others to show the cheated on, there is a light to go to.

I will show them the way to the light.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Dude, a bit of a Jesus complex added to your cynicism? I did not know we were getting advice from the Divine. I'm sorry to have ever questioned you. We all humbly bow to your greatness!! (yes, tongue FIRMLEY planted in check)


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Kirk,

Your tonque firmly planted on my neck.

Sorry, misread that one


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Happyquest, I'd like to hear more about how you both found the road back.


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## justhoping (May 1, 2009)

I have the same problem that many of us here face: infidelity.
My husband of 10 years, wonderful marriage, (so I though), have committed adultery, (twice) with prostitutes. He really is a very nice generous man, I knew he watch porn in the Internet but I figured every men does it and there is no damaged into, was I wrong! This has turned my life upside down. I found out few weeks ago and I’m devastated, he asked for forgiveness and he said he will do whatever he has, to avoid loosing me, but I can’t forgive him. I want to know if there is anybody that can give me any advised on how to work toward forgiving him and myself. We are going to counseling but I don’t feel it’s helping me. I love him but I can’t forgive him. Please help


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Just knowing that you are working towards forgiveness is a start. It sure doesn't happen overnight when your world has just been flipped upsidedown.

But keeping an open mind, that you will slowly heal and feel peace again will help you to believe forgiveness may be on the horizon, but in my opinion, it needs to be at your pace and will require patience from your husband...in addition to him rebuilding trust...living open book.

In time you can forgive, but won't forget. It helps if you can understand what led him to this and that he is able to give you reassurance he understands it and is able to prevent it from happening again. If in time, you do not budge and do not want to seek forgiveness, you will need to evaluate whether you should remain together. A marriage resenting your husband won't be healthy for either of you.

He is human and made a huge mistake...give yourself time to heal...it's only been a few weeks.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

The trap.

Many find themselves at a cross road when they are confronted with a cheating spouse. My wife was forced to make a choice when I confessed my cheating on her. She had to decide either to stay and forgive me and work at moving to a better marriage or she was going to divorce and build a new life with out me. I am so greatful she decided to move torwards the forgiveness path. So many times in our life we are forced to decide as to witch path to travel. It is always a hard decision when you come to that fork in the road.

If you read the first part of this thread you know I was the one that cheated and have tried to give points from the other side which you dont hear from much on this forum. I too was at a fork in the road a ways back. You see when you enter the marriage you agree that you SO will meet all your sexual needs for life. Yes you can masturbate to take care of those needs but I dont think anyone would sign up for a life of masturbation if they knew thats what the marriage was going to entail. When I was married I was #1 in my wifes book and she was #1 in mine. There was a glut of affection and sex. When kids came along my wifes attention of course began to focus on the kids first and me second. I understood that. They required allot more of her attention. Another kid came along and attention was divided again and more energy and attention was focused on the kids. I began to see I was not getting the sexual attention I was use too. I brought this to her atttention but she was too exhausted to make much of a change. 

I have learned that in order for her to fit all the kids needs in her life she had to eleminate some of her own needs. She had to set her priorties. The one she needed the least in her book was her sexual need. That was put to the bottom of her list. As her attention was focused more on the kids I felt she has much less desire for me. I always felt that her sexual desire was equal to her want and needing me. In my own man way of thinking if she no longer desired sex from me she must not desire me. The more attention she showed to the kids the more I felt alone and undesired. We would make each other miseriable in our talks for sexual intimacy. She felt I was always wanting sexy from her and I didnt understand how tired she was, I felt she desired me less and less.

The trap, If you depend on your SO to meet your Sexual needs and they fail to do that what choices are you left with? Stay in your mariage and feel deprived? Check and see whats on the other side of the tracks. I met a cross road. I was unhappy and feeling alone in my marriage but was the primary provider for my family and didnt want to just leave that responsibliity. I made the mistake of looking at the other side of the tracks. I didnt take into account what this would do to my wife. I felt I was fufilling her needs of being a father and financial supporter and she was not feeling my needs for sexual fulfillment. I choose the wrong path. I took care of own needs without considering what effect this would have on my wife. Such a wrong choice. 

Porn to me was like chocolate to my wife. I was ok as long as it is not in the house with me. In fact as long as I was in site of others I would avoid it but if you put a bowl of choclate kisses in the center of the table and no one is around. Go figure they disappear and no one touches them. I have witness a 2 lb bowl of chocolate kisses disappear in a day,and when asked a family of 5 have only had one each. The internet brought sex into our house. It brought woman that had a sexual desire right into the house. The wife went to bed and left the Fox guarding the hen house. 

So I want to say to everyone out there. Please watch the internet in your home for it offers temptation like nothing we have ever experienced before in life. Marriages are in ruin today more often due to what the easy access of sexual incounters from the internet. Listen to your SO and if they say they are not happy. Stop and listen to them. Dont leave the fox alone in the hen house and if you have no choice make sure you feed him well before you leave him guarding it.

My 2 cents


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

It has been 3 years now and things are better than they ever were before. Please if you going though this there is a way back to a great marriage. Thanks for others that gave me hope


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

It is so good to know that others have traveled the path before you, and have arrived at their destination. There has been many a post here about so called work in your marriage and why people want to call it work. I feel that if a change needs to take place in your marriage it will require some effort on the person that is seeking the change. In my mind effort is" work." I am lazy I dont do work that has no rewards at the end. So the work in my marriage has a pay off to me. It is a more satisfied partner because I made a change. Now depending how far I let the car get off the road before I make a needed correction will be equat to that amount of work that needs to be done.

I think most marriages flowing along normal only need to make about a 2 degree of correction to keep them driving straight down the road. Not much work required to keep her on the road. When driving down a straight road you can never just hold the wheel straight. You are always making slight corrections in the streering but nothing to drastic. If you fall asleep at the wheel and the car is heading off the road at a sharper angle well it will take alot more input to get it back on the road again. I feel asleep at the wheel of my marriage and woke up after the car had gone off the road. I yanked the wheel and rolled the car. It took alot of work to get the car able to move again and to get it back on the road. Yes I could have just bought a new model and drove on down the road but I didnt. For one I realy liked the model I had. It fit me well and I knew how it worked and I new the issues she had. I knew how to work on her. I would have no idea how to operate a new model. ( plus they are very expensive) I had no money so I would have to go in dept even more. LOL 

I also knew if I did all the work myself repairing the damage I had caused I would know even more about the model I had. Infact ,I knew if I really rolled up my sleeves I could make her better than she was when new. So I didnt opt for a new model I wanted to repair the damage I had caused with the one I had.

Well I am so proud of what I have now. I learned so much by doing the work myself to get us back on the road again. It makes me smile knowing we are off and driving again and if I get sleepy again. Well I pull over now and do what I need to do, so I will never fall asleep at the wheel again. I am proud of her and I keep her polished, happy and well maintained now days. I want to keep her looking good. Yes it takes some work to keep her maintained shinny and happy. But who wants to drive a car that doesnt make them proud as they are crusing down the highway.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Quest,

Lets reverse the course now, your partner today confesses forgiveness was based on the affair they are having at this moment.

Your post would reflect the following (you fill in the blanks).

I would like your response, as destiny in many relationships can and will turn a strange direction after forgiveness.


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