# Just Wondering



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Need a little advise,Myself HD and of course Wife is LD to which is a life long problem.Another month has passed and even though I work on it things don't ever get much better.Here's where I need help.For the month of July starting Sunday I want to go a full month without asking for sex,Bring it up,Just stay cool about it. I have tried this before and I can't seem to be able to do it without a bad additute. I just want to leave her alone sexual and quit begging for it,Or just act like you don't care anymore about it.But she can always tell I am acting,Because I am pissed off about it. What works for others.I guess its a game.For just once I want to be able to go thur a month and be happy and leave her alone about it.Its stupit but I guess by doing so,It mite charge how she feels towards sex.Kinda hard to be in a good mood when your not laying any pipe


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It doesn't change their minds...It's an excuse they use to get out of sex at the time. I've gone 18 months without sex trying that method.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Actually it sounds like she enjoys causing you pain.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

The problem is you put the ball in her court w/o telling her and then get mad because she doesn't do what you want. Not getting sex sucks, and yeah we get grouchy when we don't get it. But if you're going to do this, you have to be prepared to not get it. You have to accept that this is something you only have limited control over. By the way, if she's LD why did you think putting her in control was a good idea?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Just Wondering said:


> Need a little advise,Myself HD and of course Wife is LD to which is a life long problem.Another month has passed and even though I work on it things don't ever get much better.Here's where I need help.For the month of July starting Sunday I want to go a full month without asking for sex,Bring it up,Just stay cool about it. I have tried this before and I can't seem to be able to do it without a bad additute. I just want to leave her alone sexual and quit begging for it,Or just act like you don't care anymore about it.But she can always tell I am acting,Because I am pissed off about it. What works for others.I guess its a game.For just once I want to be able to go thur a month and be happy and leave her alone about it.Its stupit but I guess by doing so,It mite charge how she feels towards sex.Kinda hard to be in a good mood when your not laying any pipe


I did this, albeit for just two weeks and not a month. Didn't mention it, talk about it, make a move, a suggestion, even a wink. Nothing.

After two weeks, I made a comment about "going for a cup of coffee" which was our safe phrase for around the kids. I got a polite smile, was tols she's not in the mood, but that I should ask her tomorrow.

So the next day, I suggested a cup of coffee again.

She slumped her shoulders down, turned around and gave me one nasty look. When i asked what was the problem, she got mad and said I ask to much.

Reading the other posts in this thread, plus my own experiences (and the above wasn't the only time) I'd suggest not wasting your time. You are going through all the effort when she is the one causing the problem. Let's see, she doesn't want sex, so you're going to hold out for a month to give her a break? Doesn't make sense, does it.

To conclude my story, when she got mad at me for asking, I put my shoes on and headed for the door. She stopped me and we ended up having a good conversation and I said I am not going through life with a bad sex life (she knew I had been in a marriage prior to that where sex was once or twice a month). I basically said I have tried everything i could think of and if this can't be fixed, fine, that's ok, but I'm not happy and I'm not staying miserable forever, pining over her while she can't be bothered to even try and figure out what's the matter with her libido.

Things changed dramatically and while we're still working on it, I get it a few times a week. Not perfect, but a lot better than twice a month.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Just Wondering said:


> I guess its a game.
> 
> Kinda hard to be in a good mood when your not laying any pipe


Yes, it's a game, and you played it all wrong. She knows you're HD and she's LD. She knows you're desperate for any scraps she'll throw your way. So...you don't beg her for a few weeks, and walk around pizzy? That just proves to her how much control she has over you.

I did something along these lines about a year ago, and it helped shake things up...in a good way. I just stopped initiating, but at the same time I gamed her. I would be happy/confident around her, even if I had to act at times. I ramped up attention/affection towards her, but not in a s*xual way. I bought her flowers. About 3 weeks in, she confronted me, really PO'd - "Why the F haven't you asked for s*x!" This is coming from my low/no drive W who never initiates.

Quality went up a bit, but quantity went up a lot. If you try this, and your spouse never confronts...you still learn something. Maybe they are just completely checked out of the marriage.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> I did something along these lines about a year ago, and it helped shake things up...in a good way. I just stopped initiating, but at the same time I gamed her. I would be happy/confident around her, even if I had to act at times. I ramped up attention/affection towards her, but not in a s*xual way. I bought her flowers. About 3 weeks in, she confronted me, really PO'd - "Why the F haven't you asked for s*x!" This is coming from my low/no drive W who never initiates.


I did something very similar a 18 months or so ago, and with the same results. I was a little bit more transparent with my wife about it. Sat her down, told her I was dissatisfied with our sex life, but also told her I was going to completely change how I go about it: No more whining, begging, asking, bartering, or guilting for sex. In fact, I told her during that talk that this was the last time we were going to talk about sex for a long, long time.

To pull it off, attitude is everything. Your W has a negative association with sex, so even if you stop trying to get laid but sulk all the time, you're not helping the situation. Like Thunderstruck said, you may have to fake it at times, I did, too. What really helped me was to frame it as "I am actively taking sex off the table", which then made it my proactive choice, not some reactive last-ditch effort I was making to get more sex. It didn't always make me feel better, but it worked better than anything else.

And the sex did improve, quantity and quality. YMMV though.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Well,Here I am in day 6 of not asking for Sex,Or acting interested in it.Wife as not notice yet.But on the other hand I am having trouble with being a nice guy about it.I guess one could say .When you want something from someone else your very nice to be around. Makes me feel bad that I am that way.I am trying to figure out how to reman a nice husband and be in a good mood without getting laid. I know that this is not going to fix anything me not asking for sex again for one month.There's no cure for LD???


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's what I see as the problem. You've stopped asking for sex but you still want to be, in your words, "a nice husband and be in a good mood". Wrong approach.

What you are telling her is that her not being interested in sex is OK since you will still be a nice guy.

I did the same thing with the intention of waiting her out and eventually becoming sexually active with my wife. All that happened is that I became more frustrated and resentful while being the nice guy.

What turned it around was I did two things. First, I was no longer the nice guy. I went out on my own, no longer had the nice conversations, no cuddling or hand-holding. I was polite but disengaged.

Second, I had decided that in reality I was never going to have sex with my wife again. I knew this would probably lead to the end of my marriage. The frustration of having no expectation of sex in my marriage was far less than having the expectation of sex and not having it. (I liken it to being a vegetarian... the frustration of not eating meat is far less than the frustration of not eating it but wanting it).

I made it clear to my wife that the marriage had to include an intimate, fulfilling sexual component and if it didn't, it wasn't a marriage that would last. She finally got the picture.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Here's what I see as the problem. You've stopped asking for sex but you still want to be, in your words, "a nice husband and be in a good mood". Wrong approach.
> 
> What you are telling her is that her not being interested in sex is OK since you will still be a nice guy.
> 
> ...


This is exactly it, right here. Explained it far better than I did.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Just Wondering said:


> Well,Here I am in day 6 of not asking for Sex,Or acting interested in it.Wife as not notice yet.But on the other hand I am having trouble with being a nice guy about it.I guess one could say .When you want something from someone else your very nice to be around. Makes me feel bad that I am that way.I am trying to figure out how to reman a nice husband and be in a good mood without getting laid. I know that this is not going to fix anything me not asking for sex again for one month.There's no cure for LD???


Why would she (and it it is her LD, not yours) want a cure when she's not being pressured for sex yet still getting the nice guy treatment from you?

win-win for her.

If you have some good friends, it's time for a few more nights out, a few more nights with the boys coming over, and in general, just a lot more disengagement from her. You're not happy, so go do something that makes you happy. You're not going to solve the issue or your frustration by doing the laundry.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Why would she (and it it is her LD, not yours) want a cure when she's not being pressured for sex yet still getting the nice guy treatment from you?
> 
> win-win for her.
> 
> If you have some good friends, it's time for a few more nights out, a few more nights with the boys coming over, and in general, just a lot more disengagement from her. You're not happy, so go do something that makes you happy. You're not going to solve the issue or your frustration by doing the laundry.


Absolutely. "Turn down the Thermostat" (there is a thread by that name, by the way). Go work on yourself, be it exercising, taking a class, taking up a hobby or seeing friends. Make yourself happy (this also helps because people tend to like to be around people that are happy). Devote energy away from her and to yourself. 

If she asks, just calmly tell her that you are devoting more energy to yourself because she is not interested in doing that. Don't be mean or nasty, just matter of fact.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

You know you guys are right about it all.A man as two heads and I need to get them both thinking the same way???What am I going to lose 2-3 Duty sex events a month.It all reminds me of the old line.
A man spends the first 9 months of his life trying to get out of a female,And the rest of his life trying to get back in


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

To get it, you have to look like you're not trying to get it.

Women. ::: sigh :::


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes, women know what men want. She probably thinks/knows she has total control over when you guys have sex. You need to let her know by attitude that it does not bother you. 

I really want you to read Married mans sex guide. It's so eye opening that you will not believe how women respond to the changes you are making. 

I did the "map" as it says in book. And as the book says, they can't help but notice. What you need to do us change your whole attitude toward it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Why would she (and it it is her LD, not yours) want a cure when she's not being pressured for sex yet still getting the nice guy treatment from you?
> 
> win-win for her.


This hits on another aspect I should have mentioned, which is aligning your words and actions. Your words say that you are unhappy, but your actions state that everything else is fine. Human nature being what it is, your wife is listening to message she wants to hear (although actions are actually the stronger message most of the time). You need to be consistent in what you are communicating to your wife.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

One thing not mentioned is the difference between what you think you are missing and what you are actually missing, if anything. You might be missing the affection and feeling of being desired. It helps to understand what you want, which might be more than more sex. For example, I know I'd be much happier if my wife wanted to have sex with me but was unable rather than was willing to have sex everyday, but did not want it.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> What really helped me was to frame it as "I am actively taking sx off the table", which then made it my proactive choice, not some reactive last-ditch effort I was making to get more sx.


That was the key that I picked up on about a week into my moratorium. Just telling myself, "I am deciding to not have s*x with her. MY choice." By the 3rd week of thinking this way, I felt a surge of confidence that I had not felt in a long time. I'm sure my W picked up on it, and it worked a lot better than if I had sulked around the house like a hurt puppy for weeks.


Just Wondering said:


> But on the other hand I am having trouble with being a nice guy about it.I guess one could say .When you want something from someone else your very nice to be around. Makes me feel bad that I am that way.I am trying to figure out how to reman a nice husband and be in a good mood without getting lid


Depends on what you mean by "nice guy." You should be nice around her, but "nice" doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, kissing her azz and letting her disprect you. Show confidence and be happy...fake it if you have to. You're trying to put it in your head and hers, that yes, you can survive a few weeks/months without her magic VJ.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> That was the key that I picked up on about a week into my moratorium. Just telling myself, "I am deciding to not have s*x with her. MY choice." By the 3rd week of thinking this way, I felt a surge of confidence that I had not felt in a long time. I'm sure my W picked up on it, and it worked a lot better than if I had sulked around the house like a hurt puppy for weeks.


Bingo. My moratorium has worked wonders for my own peace of mind.


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