# Am I doing OK?



## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

So at the beginning of November my wife gave me the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech. It came as a complete shock to me at the time. We are both in our mid-30s and have been married for 10 years and dont have any kids or a house.

My wife was an elite athlete and last year decided to retire. When that happened she looked around and realized that without her sport, she was in a marriage that was no longer intimate, she did not have a kid, she had a job she did not enjoy. I have read everything on a mid-life crisis for a woman and she is a classic. 

I see my complicity in where our marriage went and take ownership of that. I was traveling a lot for work because the economy was down and I was a consultant, but looking back I now see that we stopped communicating a couple of years ago. She was angry at me for traveling and not putting her first, I felt the anger and was guilty but neither of us talked about our feelings.

I went through the classic panic stages, professing changes etc but I realized that she had a "friend" that she was texting a lot. When she first asked me to move out she told me this guy was just a text friend, but there were things that just did not add up when she said she was with friends, but I later found out she was not there. 

Eventually I had enough and completely moved out in December. I then went on a vacation on my own to the beach to spend time on myself. It was the best thing I have ever done. I met some great people and for the first time in my life really thought about my life in a meaningful way. I realized that being married to my wife would not make me happy, only making sure I did little things every day to meet my needs would make me happy.

I came back and at the suggestion of my therapist (something my wife suggested I do when asked if we should do marriage counseling - "I dont need counseling you do" is what she said) I met with my wife to formalize our separation. We discussed our finances and decided to work on separating them completely (which is easy with very little assets and ties). Then I brought up whether we should see other people and asked her if she was seeing the OM. She said no they were just friends, but then admitted that she spent New Years Eve with him, and that they have been going out regularly. So I suggested that they were dating, and while she denied she eventually admitted that she wanted to be with him when she first met him (6 weeks before she had the talk with me). She also admitted that she wanted to sleep with him, but she had too much respect for the marriage to do that, at which I gave her an incredulous look!! We agreed that we should be able to see other people and that we can sleep with other people as well. She asked me about 5 times if I was ok with her seeing the OM and I told her that she needs to do what she wants. She said that she knows that her relationship is not real, but it is fun and she wants to pursue it.

She is doing everything that other women do in this situation to justify her behavior. She has completely demonized the marriage, saying that she was never happy and that it was dysfunctional from the start. She points to early events and states that she does not know why she stayed with me. Of course she is not willing to admit any complicity in where our marriage ended up, everything is my fault. She is a stubborn woman who would never admit she did something wrong, and has always judged others that have cheated on their spouses. She still does not believe that she cheated on! Classic right? In fact her guilt does not even allow her to admit the truth to me about her relationship as she continues to lie about when she saw the OM before we separated.

So that meeting was 3 weeks ago and I have made the decision to move on. At the suggestion of a friend I went onto match.com and it has been great. I have had 5 dates (3 great, 1 OK and 1 bad) and there are woman that are interested in having a relationship with me. I am completely honest about where I am in the relationship and many of the women are in the same boat. I have dates this week, texts, phone calls all the time. It is great to feel good about myself. I have more energy for my business (because I dont have the guilt of travel) and a new direction. I am a different person than I was 6 months ago and much healthier.

So the question is, am I OK? I do sometimes think about my wife, and I do think about reconciliation occasionally. I would be willing to reconcile if she was willing to work on herself the way I have worked on myself. But I have very little contact with her except around logistics of our lives. I know I should not reach out, but I feel like I should. 

Probably the hardest thing is that I have not gotten angry at her for cheating and lying to me. I am very empathetic and it is a strength and a weakness. I completely understand why she did what she did, but I still dont think it is right. Do I confront her with my feelings? 

Also, do I bring up divorce? She has never even said the word, and I feel like if she wants it she should ask for it. I know she wants me to ask, so she can feel less guilty about it.

So what do you think? Am I doing OK or am I just holding everything in waiting for it to explode later?

This forum is great, and wanted to see what people think.

Cheers,

Pete


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Pete,

I think you are doing great and forcing yourself out there is the right thing to do. It's what I did after 4 months. We seem to be at parallel spots although my divorce is pretty bitter over kids, house, etc.

My motto is "Reclaim Your Happiness". . .whatever that may be. You can't ask her to reconcile. . .I think she has got to be attracted to the idea. . .that you are a man of health, wealth, and happiness. Don't try to demonstrate it to her for her to come back to you. . .just try to be those things.

Personally, I would advise that you shouldn't look back at this point - full steam ahead.


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