# Can I ever forgive him?



## Lenashollywoodblu (Jul 28, 2015)

I've been with my boyfriend for almost nine years and we have two beautiful children together (5&7). We were planning on getting married this fall and had many future plans set in motion, until about two months ago. About a year and half ago he became addicted to prescription pills and meth and it wasn't until recently I fully caught on as I am fairly naive to those things. Then, about the beginning of June, things really unravelled. He said he was doing something with the church and took 5 days off of work, and when he returned home drunk and high I became suspicious. After checking bank statements, phone records, ect. I confronted him and he admitted he was seeing someone. He begged for my forgiveness and wanting to keep our family I agreed. However, over a month long period he continued to see this person. He'd come home for a few days and alternate between wanting to work things out and then hating me and saying he was in love with her. After about 3 weeks I took the kids and left. Now, he has been in an op treatment for about a week claiming to be clean and sober. He's crying and begging for my forgiveness and while I still love him and want our family together, I have zero trust and no longer picture myself marrying him. There is also a history of physical and verbal abuse from him which he takes no responsibility for. Will I ever be able to forgive him and work past our issues, or should I deny him any chance of reconciliation? I'm so confused.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Substance abuse, verbal and physical abuse (for which he takes no responsibility), and now cheating? He not only cheated and lied about it, by the way, but he refused to stop seeing her once he'd been outed. Class act.

You'd be wise to dump the chump, and for good.

Still, if you're at all inclined to reconcile, you might start by asking him for details w/ respect to how he plans on going about not only STAYING clean and sober but making amends to yourself and your children for his behavior as well.

Who is/was the OW? Is it someone that you know? If not, has he disclosed her identity to you? Is he ready and willing to do absolutely whatever it takes (be that moving to another church, taking a different job, moving residences, etc) to cut her out of his life immediately and forever? Is he still seeing her?

And I'm sorry, but he's been in treatment for all of a WEEK and he's claiming to be clean and sober? Please.


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## Lenashollywoodblu (Jul 28, 2015)

The ow is someone we went to school with that he reconnected with online. She is also an addict. He's staying elsewhere and I am back in our home with children. I told him he needs at least 90 days clean before I consider a reconcile, but he is threatening to make my life miserable if he finds me talking to other men or if I firmly declare our relationship dead. At the moment I feel like I need his financial support until I can work something out.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP, you've got quite a list. Unfortunately, it's pretty common for an active addict to engage in multiple self-destructive activities, usually resulting in busted up/heartbroken families, legal problems, bad health.

One week clean is a drop in the bucket. 

I was deeply involved, engaged to be married, to a guy who was given painkillers for a surgery and went into an active opiate addiction. 

My recommendation for you: get into Alanon/Naranon. You will be dealing with him in some manner because he is the father of your kids. You will greatly benefit from the education, support, and strategies you'll get in a good Naranon/Alanon group. You might need to try a few before you find one that is comfortable for you. This is one single thing you can do for yourself to help you from people who have been there, done it, survived it. 

If your husband gets into a good program of recovery, you'll see big changes in him. Until/unless you see those changes for a sustained period of time, remain unmarried. Be watchful of him around the kids. Don't make any big decisions (unless you truly feel that you want to or need to walk away.)

You don't need to make any decisions right now, no matter what he says. He is going to be all over the place physically, emotionally. If he gives you a hard time, tell him to go talk to his group or his sponsor about it. If he isn't in a group or reaching out to a sponsor, he's not safe for you or you kids! (He isn't necessarily safe for you or the kids even if he IS using a group or a sponsor, but he is definitely NOT safe if he isn't actively engaging in a program of recovery.)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lenashollywoodblu said:


> ...but he is threatening to make my life miserable if he finds me talking to other men or if I firmly declare our relationship dead.


Ummm... excuse me?

He is no position to make ANY demands on you. You can talk to whoever the h*ll you want, as far as I'm concerned. And you have every right to "declare the relationship dead" if you decide that is what you want.

Did he put this in writing, or did he say it verbally?

With a threat like that (especially in writing) you should go straight to your county courthouse and file a restraining order. People who are whacked out on drugs are not rational.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Lenashollywoodblu said:


> The ow is someone we went to school with that he reconnected with online. She is also an addict. He's staying elsewhere and I am back in our home with children. I told him he needs at least 90 days clean before I consider a reconcile,* but he is threatening to make my life miserable if he finds me talking to other men or if I firmly declare our relationship dead. At the moment I feel like I need his financial support until I can work something out.*


What can you do to be financially independent of him? That's what you need to do as a first priority. You're not married, maybe you just need to go file for child support or something. But understand that if he continues down the addiction rabbit hole, he isn't going to be financially responsible anyway. You will need to find a way to support you and your kids. 

He is acting out. He is not safe for you. I would find a legal route personally- get an RO for harassment/threats and a court order for support for your kids. It might sound extreme, but I don't play games with an active addict, I gave that up. You don't know what he'll do, what he'll say, what kind of people he is around or could bring around. He isn't safe, shut it all off. 

If he manages to turn his life around, maybe consider a reconciliation but until/unless that happens, build your own, beautiful, safe, reliable, drug-free life.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Sorry you are here. After reading this, I think you are beyond forgiveness, you need to leave him for good. He has a big problem with control substance abuse. I think cheating should be the least of your concerns at this stage. You need to protect yourself and your kids financially, because he could empty your bank accounts in a moment. Also, he needs to get to the rehab ASAP. Once he is clean, and stays clean for some time, then you can start thinking about if you want to R or D. But now, protect yourself and kids from him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lenashollywoodblu said:


> The ow is someone we went to school with that he reconnected with online. She is also an addict. He's staying elsewhere and I am back in our home with children. I told him he needs at least 90 days clean before I consider a reconcile, but *he is threatening to make my life miserable* if he finds me talking to other men or if I firmly declare our relationship dead. At the moment I feel like I need his financial support until I can work something out.


Blah blah blah

Blah blah blah

Blah blah blah blah blah

Sorry, but hasn't he already done that?

Either way, he'll still be legally obligated to provide for his children.

You shouldn't be bowing to demands or ultimatums from this jackass. If he repeats this bullsh*t, all you have to say is, "You heard me. Ninety days, then we'll talk."

The reins are in YOUR hands now. Use them.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My husband (soon to be ex) managed to quit his pill addiction but he did not changed for the better once clean. He is still depressed, only goes to work (if that) otherwise just stays in his recliner staring at the TV. He did not become nicer or more helpful,or easier to deal with. He won't or can't take anti-depressants now or if he does he won't take them long enough to begin to work. He is just as shiftless as when he was hooked on pain meds. Worse, really, as he still recalls how they sometimes made him feel good.

It is impossible to live with a chronically depressed, unhappy person. I became extremely depressed too. Now after eight months living alone, I feel so much better. My stresses are normal, little ones, not life-dragging down awful, all the time feelings. Get out and good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anyone who theatens you if you don't take them back is an unremorseful, abusive POS. Tell him to fvck off and get a restraining order, then file for chld support. 

All he's going to do is make your life miserable and you know it. Why would you want to raise your kids with someone like that in the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lenashollywoodblu (Jul 28, 2015)

I guess this is just confirming what I already know in my heart. I just need to step up and take the legal steps to protect myself and the children.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You've already said it... You have zero trust (that he will.... stay clean, come clean, quit cheating,???) and no longer see yourself marrying him.

Any marriage is ****, crap if there is zero trust on either party.

He cheats on you, yet threatens if you find another man....

This man is not marriage material. He made his own bed, don't lie in it for him/with him.

Step out. Even if you have to go to shelter for a bit. But, I'm pretty sure you've got somekind of family/friends that if they heard your other option is a shelter...that they'd help you out & let you crash.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Substance abuse, verbal and physical abuse (for which he takes no responsibility), and now cheating? He not only cheated and lied about it, by the way, but he refused to stop seeing her once he'd been outed. Class act.
> 
> You'd be wise to dump the chump, and for good.


I strongly agree...!


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

why are you so confused? Is it difficult trying to decide whether or not you want to stay with a meth addict who is cheating on you or move on and create a stable life for you and your children because you deserve better? I know it sounds tempting to stay and he sounds like a total dream......but..... ?


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