# Help needed please.



## Pippa49 (Jul 26, 2013)

About a week ago I found out my husband has an affair with a lwoman of 75.My husband and I are 64 and have been married for 41 years.We have 2 children and 2 grandchildren.
It is a long story but I really dont want to lose him and he was my friend as well as husband.
This woman lives in America,we are in Europe but they met here last year when she visited and came to our house as a guest.She abused my hospitality.I am sure the pressure on him comes from her as she lost her husband this year and my husband helped her though his death via skype,late evenings when I had gone to bed.
When I found out,through a stupid email to him from her, he told me he will never give her up but he doesnt want to lose me either.
This person is now over here again on holiday and she seems to have thought my husband would move in with her when I found out.Not so. He still is at home with me and visits her once a week for a day / night visit.
I think she must be really mad at him for this ,not that it is any comfort.
I am trying to keep calm and pleasant and not to ask any questions .
He seems quite exhausted and is always falling asleep on the sofa ! I bet he isnt allowed to do that when they are together.
She now plans to buy a flat here and leave USA and her children and grandchildren and friends to be here.
She is now pressurising my husband to decide what he wants so she can go ahead with her plans.He told me he doesnt think it a good idea at her age to leave her home and country,and says he told her that,also asking her if she would be prepared to spend years in an old people's home here if she needed care. At least he seems to think ahead for her.
IN spoite of all this and my feelings or anger and betrayal I would like to have him back,I still love him,but realise it would take a lot of work.He says he cant draw backtowards me as that would mean drawing away from her of finishing the relationship which he says he " cant " do.
He says he is in turmoil and tormented knowing whatever he decides , someone is going to be badly hurt.
Anyone else been here and survived it ? What is best to do. I never ever thought I would have to ask for this help.Thanks


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

OMG, your husband is a complete a**hole. 

Please throw him out. He has said he will not give her up but right now, he doesn't have to because you are giving him the okay to see her and sleep with her. 

OH NO. Do not let this go on. Spend some time hear reading on the appropriate measures to take.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Please expose this affair to your family and friends and hers too.

My goodness, people are seriously effed up!! Your husband is acting terrible.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Please stop being a doormat. Tell your children about your husbands infidelity and file for divorce. Hopefully that will wakeup your jerk of a husband and you can decide if you want to keep him or not. Letting this contiue as it is will destroy you.


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## Pippa49 (Jul 26, 2013)

Thanks for the repsonses,although both are rather negative !
I had hoped to hear more about ways through,and not to give up on our long life together.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Pippa49 said:


> Thanks for the repsonses,although both are rather negative !
> I had hoped to hear more about ways through,and not to give up on our long life together.


You asked for help and you are getting the help. Your life has been attacked by a disease and you have to take the medicine to save it. If you don't take the medicine, you will lose what you value so much.

Your husband is a cake-eater. He is keeping you on side while having fun with the OW, because he can. Because you are enabling him to do so. 

In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You need to tell your family members, your husband's friends and family members, and the OW's family members ASAP. You also need to file for divorce. The more time you lose trying to be a nice person, the more unsalvageable your marriage will become. Being a nice lady brought you here, we all know where it will lead you further.

More experienced users will give you better advice, and I hope you will listen to them. You, honestly, don't have to lose much at this point. Your husband does, and you have to make him realize it. Your old marriage is gone, you are not going to get it back. You can learn from this experience and build a new marriage with your husband, if you both want to. But for that, he first needs to face the consequences of his choices.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Was your H, dropped on his head recently---in 5 yrs this woman will be 80 yrs old---I ain't saying she can't have sex, and please someone---but she is soon enuff gonna look like an 80 yr old---and feel/move like an 80 yr old

You need to wake your H, UP---threaten him with D, if need be---and along with the threat of D, is that he goes NC---no seeing her once a week, no talking to her at all

If you really want to keep your H---then you must let him see you are willing to put the mge in jeopardy---also get your kids, and other family members involved---wake your H, up---he has gone into lala land.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

You got some great advice and that is truly what you should follow.

Since you won't kick him out and since he won't give up the other woman, here is my advice.

Find yourself a lover as well.
Get him jealous or fall in love with this new person, either way your marriage as you know it is over unless the other woman passes on.

I'm not some sicko rooting for that, I also understand that you come from a different generation and era with a totally different tolerance level for things like this...

So since your hubby is having some fun. (If that's what you want to call it) you might as well also.

Heck, you guys might as well be swingers since you are halfway there.

Or you could listen and kick the man out..


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## Pippa49 (Jul 26, 2013)

Calling his bluff might be dangerous and make me seem to be the baddie in his eyes ! He might be waiting for me to flip or whatever so he is exonerated of any blame .
I dont want to give him the " pleasure" of me telling him to go to h*** he has to suffer first.
Strange, the other forum I am in work towards conciliation and repairing damage,this forum is 100% the opposite.Now I am really confused


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Pippa49 said:


> Thanks for the repsonses,although both are rather negative !
> I had hoped to hear more about ways through,and not to give up on our long life together.



To save a marriage sometimes you must be willing to lose it. Think about it as read the advice you are given.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You do actually need to wake him up. This will be hard for you, but he needs to see what his life would be like without you. Right now he has you and his girlfriend. Tell him he doesn't get to have a girlfriend and be married at the same time and then make him leave if he insists on the two of you. This is the best chance you have to make him see the light.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Are you happy being a doormat and treated like a second, third class citizen in your marriage by your husband? Would you ever treat him like this? What kind of person would you be if you did? Well....that IS the kind of person he is being. And you are allowing it.

If you are not prepared to divorce, don't threaten it. Only threaten something you are ready and willing to follow through on. You do need to work it out though what you are prepared to deal with, if you are happy being treated like this, if you are prepared to accept being treated like this? 

If you just wait it out then it will hurt more. You will feel like the plan b that you currently are. And you will be upset at yourself for not sticking up for yourself and demanding love and respect. Accepting only shoddy treatment instead. 

The advice you had received is not for divorce and against reconcilliation. It is very much geared around forcing the situation to its final outcome quicker and so lessening the pain and shortening the agony. And it is about actions that ensure the best possible outcome for no future cheating if reconciliation happens. It lays the groundwork for the most positive outcome in whichever way that outcome takes shape. 

The advice you have received is designed to make him choose instead of enjoying the best of both worlds while hurting those around him, of showing him there are hard consequences to him choosing to cheat. Therefore, if and when you reconcile, with hard consequences the associations he has with thoughts of cheating are of pain, upset, possibly losing his wife forever. Right now, if affair woman was to break up with him, he would associate affairs with him having 'fun' and you not minding. He would soon be looking for his next affair partner because there are no consequences.

I recommend following the advice you've been given. And expose his behaviour to your family (further consequences for him, associations of shame, pain, hurt. Your kids deserve to know, if only purely to support you) and expose her behaviour to her family. Let her deal with her reality also. For god's sake, do it. It is not about revenge, it is about bringing reality to a situation of fantasy. They have to face up to their actions and deal with reality. This destroys much fantasy surrounding the affair.

Please follow the advice you've been given. It is good advice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> When I found out,through a stupid email to him from her, he told me he will never give her up but he doesnt want to lose me either.


Well gosh, Pippa! Guess what?

*He doesn't get to make that choice! You do!*

It's horrible to be here, but please do know this, although I am sorry you had to come here, I am glad you found us.

By the way, Cheaterville is now available in the UK. Use it to expose her and him.
My General Blog: Be afraid, UK cheaters. CheaterVille has come to the UK


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You don't blow things in anger, you pack his stuff and drop it to OW's place and then changue the locks.
You file for divorce, you set him free, you remove yourself from the equation, you value yourself respect over the fear and the love you have for him. You won't be an option.
You refuse to share, you are worth more.
You also expose him to everyone he cares about in order to explain why you are divorcing him.
You more serious than a heart attack, you force him to make a decision based on the natural consequences of his actions and choices.
You do all this with a smile in your face.
Lawyer up and embrace the 180.

You must believe it's negative advice, that somehow it can push him more away, you can't, there's no more "away" than your spouse telling you he won't stop cheating on you and take adventage and abuse of your love.

Someone said you neeed to risk your marriage in order to save it, I go further: as it's now you have no marriage, it's papers, it's a joke... so give you marriage a chance by taking actions, by using tough love, by forcing him to choose. Knock this guy you don't know anymore out of the fence, to give up the cake on the side. He claims he "can't" give up OW: test this, force him to make clear what his priorities are.

Don't let things happen to you anymore, don't be passive, take chargue.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 
The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Pippa, I know that at first this sounds negative, but it is really not and here is why. He has no incentive to leave her, you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. He gets two woman for the price of one, what an ego stroke for a 64 year old man. 

You need to take command of your life and not sit around and let him decide what he wants to do with you. His actions are not that of a friend, buddy or pal, he is completely disrespecting you. This needs to come out into the light of day. These dalliances do well in the dark, it needs to come to light of both friends and family. He should not be proud of his actions, but be held accountable for them. Hopefully, when he comes out of the fog of the new relationship, he will realize what a complete arse he has been.

Last but not least, consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know what your options are and protect yourself financially as well. I am so sorry for what has happened to you, especially after all these years. You have given yourself to this relationship for over forty years, don't let him steal your self respect, you deserve better. 

PS: I also recommend counseling, but highly doubt he will do that, since he is still in a fog and feels he is entitled to two women.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Pippa49 said:


> About a week ago I found out my husband has an affair with a lwoman of 75.My husband and I are 64 and have been married for 41 years.We have 2 children and 2 grandchildren.
> It is a long story but I really dont want to lose him and he was my friend as well as husband.
> This woman lives in America,we are in Europe but they met here last year when she visited and came to our house as a guest.She abused my hospitality.I am sure the pressure on him comes from her as she lost her husband this year and my husband helped her though his death via skype,late evenings when I had gone to bed.
> When I found out,through a stupid email to him from her, he told me he will never give her up but he doesnt want to lose me either.
> ...


What do you think would happen if, on his day with the GF... word got back to him that you were seen at a restaurant with a gentlemen? Just laughing and have a grand time. Or Perhaps send yourself some flowers with a nice note!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Do you want an open marriage? He obviously does. Call him out on this. He is stating to you in all his actions that he is now in an open marriage, no consultation or agreement with you. Pure and utter selfishness.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Pippa49 said:


> Calling his bluff might be dangerous and make me seem to be the baddie in his eyes !
> *It will make you look like a woman who actually has some self respect. Right now he sees you as a given; his to walk all over as he pleases and you have so far shown him he is absolutely correct*
> 
> He might be waiting for me to flip or whatever so he is exonerated of any blame .
> ...


*Good luck*


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Many of us giving advice started off where u r. I can't imagine many on here did it all the right way straight away. Very few. Most of us questioned the advice given, ignored it, maybe took a little bit of it at a time. And pretty much all of us have come to realise that the best way to move forward and to get the best results from whatever situation we r left with, is to follow the basic lines of advice given here, pretty much to most situations. Most of us wish we had found this place earlier/followed the advice sooner. It is the best advice you will get. And it works brilliantly. Ignore it and you will find your awful situation prolonged, along with your agony and your upset.


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## Pippa49 (Jul 26, 2013)

I have been very brave and said her or me !
I gave him a time limit as well,so now await events,please think of me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pippa49 said:


> I have been very brave and said her or me !
> I gave him a time limit as well,so now await events,please think of me.


We are thinking of you.

And we are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pippa49 (Jul 26, 2013)

Thankyou Mattmatt, and to all who wrote in.
I dont know what the outcome will be, no idea.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Did you already talk to a lawyer?


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