# Wife dragging her feet on separating



## Robrobb

I came to this forum last summer after discovering my wife's affair. I was distraught but wanted to rebuild. We've been through many months of counseling, and have had to deal with issues surrounding ourselves and our children as things fell apart. In a lot of ways she checked out of our marriage and our family over the summer, and has only recently been reconnecting with the kids. through it all she's maintained that she doesn't want a relationship with me any more. I suspect that she's never gotten over the other guy, for whatever that's worth. We're nearing the end of a half-year period of agreed-upon non-interaction. Through it all I've been devoted, I've taken care of the kids, even stood by her when child services started looking into us. But now we're nearing that decision point - what do we do? For me, I've made the uncomfortable decision to do what I want the least - end it. Truthfully, I would accept two choices - either we're both in it with our full effort, or we're out of it.

This week we discussed these options with our therapist. She was very clear that she doesn't want to even talk about getting back together, instead we should talk in detail about splitting up. I agreed, but for the past five days I've been unable to get her to talk about it. I can see why - it's uncomfortable. In the past she's hoped that we can be not a couple but continue to live together - I've made it clear that I won't accept this. One of us will have to move out, and odds are it'll be her. We can't easily afford to maintain two households on our current income, and an eventual divorce means we'll very likely have to sell our home and make other big changes financially. She's working part time in a job she likes - if she moves out that will probably have to change, as will the childcare situation and a string of other things. Result - a very uncomfortable topic. When she's uncomfortable she retreats into her online game - the source of the other guy and a big part of the problem. So, each evening when the kids are asleep, she's online and won't give me time to discuss this.

I'm pretty sure of my course in this, and I've been working on my plans and some arrangements to achieve them, but my concern is this - if she can't bring herself to even talk about moving out, at all, in the last five days, how long will it actually take her to move out, and how can I hasten that along without being a [Richard] or poisoning her fragile relationship with the children?

I could speculate many ways on why she's dragging her feet here, but I'm pretty sure it's not because she's considering staying together or anything like that - she just doesn't want to deal with these difficult issues and hopes that by ignoring them, they can be put off indefinitely.

I don't really have a question for the forum here. I wanted to vent, and I wonder if others have had experiences like this with their spouse.


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## anx

> We're nearing the end of a half-year period of agreed-upon non-interaction.


 Did you guys connect at all during this 1/2 year? dates, talking, fun, sex?

If there was no connection despite the time apart, this might be over and dead.

Maybe, sell the house sooner rather than later, which will make some of this a non-issue or talk about this with your therapist or through lawyers.


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## Robrobb

Hi anx-

No, we had an agreement in which I would not bother her, touch her, ask about her online activities, and a host of other items - basically, to step out of her personal life. She agreed to continue to go to counseling and to discuss parenting and household issues regularly - and not to fool around. She's slipped on the former, which leads me to suspect the latter. We live in the same house, but she's rarely here. Well, she's PHYSICALLY here, but she's elsewhere. Online.

On the surface this sounds like a boneheaded deal, and it was. Six months ago she was virtually unable to talk to me and I couldn't figure out why. I was not willing to turn my back on our marriage, so I agreed, knowing that it would very likely end like this and that I'd have little choice but to give up. We've been supposedly both working on our own issues and dealing with the fracturing family. But she's continued to treat me like scum and I continue to carry the load, and our disagreements are hurting the childrens' lives too. 

Also, I can accept not being able to keep the house long term, but I'm gonna fight for it first. And I'm determined to do what I need to do to stay in the house until at least next year. The kids' lives have seen enough upheaval this year; I'm not going to wrench them away from their home and school on top of everything else. There are ways to make it happen.


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## Powerbane

Stand up for yourself Rob. 

Press the issue - IN 100% or OUT 100%

It her with problem and wants to leave. Push her off the fence and start showing her what the consequences will be. 

What you have now is not a life. It's not even a half life. She's cake eating. 

She's got you to meet all those financial and parenting needs while you are the doormat. 


Try the 180 for awhile - also go read the Man up Stickies under Mens Section on this forum

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned gains


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## sisters359

For your own well-being, quit waiting on her and make a plan to separate. You can give it to her to sign or to discuss--her choice. In our case, this was the draft that became our divorce settlement. 

To save the house and save $$, AND to add some stability to your kids' lives, consider "nesting." You find a room or small apartment (sharing with another adult would be cheaper) and each of you goes there when it is not your time with the kids. Then you go back to the house when it is your time with the kids. The difficult things are that you are still sharing living space with your ex, but not at the same time. You have to establish boundaries on what can be done in the shared space (both with your ex and, if you share a home with other adult(s), with them, of course). For example, do you have the right to bring home MOS to your apt/room? 

nesting is not easy, but it is really good for the kids and also it does not have to be a permanent arrangement. Also, if one of you gets involved with someone more long-term, then you also have boundaries to help stop you from rushing this new person into your kids' lives. If you find a partner, you can be with them on your time but you return to your home and kids for your time with the kids--and this helps, b/c the kids are allowed to adapt slowly to having one parent at a time and are not forced to accept another parent into their lives right away. 

Keep it in mind. Either way, you'll feel better if you take charge and write out a plan and even file a petition (for legal separation, or for divorce) with a preliminary plan worked out. Good luck; sounds like you are ready to move on. I'm sorry it turned out this way for you.


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## peace

What a great thread!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robrobb

Thanks to all for the advice, especially the list that Powerbane posted. I've applied many of those items to my behavior at one time or another, and we've been largely not interacting for months now. Another issue is that there's only so far that I'm willing to not carry the load. The children need to be fed and clothed and sent to school with lunches, and the house needs to be at least moderately clean, and the list of people who can do those things is pretty short. The kids know we're likely to split up and it's taking a toll on them - I don't want to magnify that by ignoring things that need to be done just to highlight that she's not doing them.

So that leaves the other major piece of advice - to split up. She didn't come to our scheduled appointment with the couples therapist this morning, which led to an interesting discussion between just the two of us. In short, my couples therapist wound up advising me to speak with a lawyer as soon as possible. Nice. but necessary.

So there we are. With each passing day it looks a little more like I'm going to have to do this thing I don't want to do myself, because she's not willing to look it right in the eye and have us deal with it cooperatively.

Thanks again, everyone, for your support. I suspect my next post will be one topic further down the list.


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## guitargrinder

I'm having the same issue. My wife has decided that she doesn't want to be married, but says she doesn't have the money to get her own place and I'm not gonna pay for the house for her and an apartment for me. She wants to keep the lifestyle I have given her (stay at home mother), but doesn't want me and is in no hurry to move out. I've been told of a legal seperation, but what can I do to ensure she signs it and doesn't drag her feet too?


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## Jellybeans

I am a firm believer in that anytime you are WAITING for someone, you are WASTING your time.


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## troy

Jellybeans said:


> I am a firm believer in that anytime you are WAITING for someone, you are WASTING your time.


Its called love Jellybeans. People like myself cannot let go. We will go through hell for years just to hold on to hope that one day things will be like it used to be when we were in love and everything was good in the world.

You dont know how many days I woke up wanting to walk away so I can have a life again, but I am still here. It wont be much longer though. Time has made me stronger and I am finally ready to let go.


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## alphaomega

RorRob and GuitarGrinder,

Wow! You guys! Come on! You guys have been nice guys for so long you flushed your self respect down the crapper!

Rob, you wasted a whole year of healing and happiness, just because you are afraid to make your wife upset. To make your wife's life hard? Take a look in the mirror! Take a look at your children. Real close! Now! You see the damage this is doing to both you and the kids? Do you think this is better than forcing a decision from your SO, who disrespects you so much she basically told you you are already divorced, I get to stay here, ignore all of you, and still have my fun! Wtf!

Guitar! Same to you.

You know what! Tell your SO, that's life! You don't get to cake eat! You want new lives, go get them. That includes finding a job, paying bills, and doing everything that a responsible grown up gets to do.

You know how I forced a decision when my SO tried the same thing with me? I went out. Found her an apartment. Paid first and last months rent. Called up some buddies. Grabbed the furniture and her clothes. Moved them myself. Gave her the keys to the apartment. And gave her the schedule for the kids. End of story.

Grab some balls. Grab some NUTS. Take back your self respect already. Then, go out. Find some kind, beautiful, caring, sexy woman. Go for coffee. And take life from there....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega

troy said:


> Its called love Jellybeans. People like myself cannot let go. We will go through hell for years just to hold on to hope that one day things will be like it used to be when we were in love and everything was good in the world.
> 
> You dont know how many days I woke up wanting to walk away so I can have a life again, but I am still here. It wont be much longer though. Time has made me stronger and I am finally ready to let go.


Troy,
Therein lies the problem. You are waiting for things to happen...hoping things will get better. Strong men don't wait for things to happen, they MAKE things happen. You can have all the happiness you need, either at home or not, if you just make it yourself. You are in charge, of your own destiny. No one else will make things better for you, no matter how long you wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

I agree with what alpha and power had to say. I know this tread is a bit old, but your wife was shielded from the consequences of her actions by your actions. Letting her stay in the house ignoring the issues and flirting or w/e she does online was a pretty terrible suggestion by your counselor. If she doesn't want to engage or work on engaging, she can move out and live the single life or pursue other men until she realizes its not the dream she thought it would be.

Giving an environment where she can stay disconnected without consequence kept her disconnected.


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## Jellybeans

troy said:


> Its called love Jellybeans. People like myself cannot let go. We will go through hell for years just to hold on to hope that one day things will be like it used to be when we were in love and everything was good in the world.
> 
> You dont know how many days I woke up wanting to walk away so I can have a life again, but I am still here. It wont be much longer though. Time has made me stronger and I am finally ready to let go.


Love is really beautiful. Hope is always the last thing to die. Dignity if something else entirely. When someone shows you over and over again that they do NOT want to be with you, even tells you that and lies to your face and won't give up cheating on you, then you staying in it and "hoping" for a change" is just spinning your wheels. You become a doormat and the other spouse loses all respect for you. One must know when to retrieve with dignity. Sure, it takes some folks longer than others but the sooner you can accept the reality of your situation and take action, the better.



alphaomega said:


> Therein lies the problem. You are waiting for things to happen...hoping things will get better. Strong men don't wait for things to happen, they MAKE things happen.


Yep.



alphaomega said:


> Grab some balls. Grab some NUTS.


:rofl:


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## Pbartender

Robrobb said:


> I'm pretty sure of my course in this, and I've been working on my plans and some arrangements to achieve them, but my concern is this - if she can't bring herself to even talk about moving out, at all, in the last five days, how long will it actually take her to move out, and how can I hasten that along without being a [Richard] or poisoning her fragile relationship with the children?
> 
> I could speculate many ways on why she's dragging her feet here, but I'm pretty sure it's not because she's considering staying together or anything like that - she just doesn't want to deal with these difficult issues and hopes that by ignoring them, they can be put off indefinitely.
> 
> I don't really have a question for the forum here. I wanted to vent, and I wonder if others have had experiences like this with their spouse.


Your situation sounds an awful lot like my situation a year ago.

Take a few minute to go over to the Going Through Divorce or Separation forum and read through my thread... It'll give you an idea of what you might be in for in the upcoming months.

Here's the problem. *YOU CAN'T LEGALLY FORCE HER TO LEAVE.* Not unless she does something obviously and ridiculously criminal.

Some will suggest changing the locks, but... If she call the cops about it, they'll just tell her to break a window to get in. Now you've got a broken window to fix, she's till at home, and she's pissed.

Some, like alphaomega, will suggest finding an apartment for her, paying the deposit and first month's rent, and moving all her stuff over there. But... if she simply refuses to leave and calls the cops (she could, feasibly, report her stuff stolen), she gets to move back home (probably at your expense), she's pissed, you're on the hook for two months' rent (that you could have spent on several hours worth of lawyer), and you have your signature on a lease you don't intend on honoring (kick to the credit score!).

She has every right to continue to living in the house, the same as you, and if she refuses to leave, there's really only one thing you can do.

*File. For. Divorce.*

And get it pushed through as fast as possible.

If you really want her out, take the time to do it right.


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## WorkingOnMe

Actually your situation a year ago is like his situation 2 years ago! But thanks for resurrecting a zombie thread from 2011.


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## Pbartender

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually your situation a year ago is like his situation 2 years ago! But thanks for resurrecting a zombie thread from 2011.


Huh... Weird... It showed up on the front page of the forum as a recent thread... Didn't even think to check the date.

<emilylitella>Never mind...</emilylitella>
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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