# Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I just found out that my husband basically does not plan to celebrate our 9th anniversary at all as a married couple. This is the first anniversary since our marriage almost disolved which legal seperation happened in our anniversary month (august)

So hes been planning on flying me down to AZ, then changed his mind and said I needed to drive, but I needed to start driving on our actual anniversary cause he has to work that day. Then he wanted to take me to California sicne I have never been there. He never once mentioned the kids going. It was all about me and him cause its our 9th anniversary. Now hes planned to have me drive with 3 kids by myself to AZ, then we are all driving to California. 

I told him I thought our anniversary was special, he said it was, but he is looking forward to our 10th anniversary. Also that it will be almost 2 1/2 months sicne he has seen our kids by the time i get there. That says to me that our kids are more important than me. That he would want me to bring the kids for what is supposed to be our anniversary weekend. Forget about making love to my husband. Seems he no longer has interest in sex at all. We never did have sex the night before he left to go work out of state and we had not had sex for 2 weeks by that time.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You need to celebrate your Aniversary.
You H needs to see the kids.
Tell him to come home for it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You need to celebrate your Aniversary.
> You H needs to see the kids.
> Tell him to come home for it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great point.

Why can't he come home for a few days?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You need to celebrate your Aniversary.
> You H needs to see the kids.
> Tell him to come home for it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Thats what his parents said. He doesn't know I told his parents. When he was talking about CA for just me and him, he told me not to tell his parents. His parnts told me he should just come home if he wants to see the kids. 

He left in the middle of June so its now been a month of him not seeing the kids. Our anniversary is Aug 9th, so it will be almost 2 months. 

He had planned on comeing home for Labor day, but now I'm not sure if hes just scrathced that idea.

His parents think he doesn't want to come home to see the kids cause he wants to go on vacation


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hon, I know you want to make it work with this guy. I really and truly do. But it isn't working. I am not sure how many more signs you will need that he isn't committed, but just know that you will have my shoulder when you finally decide enough is enough.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Hon, I know you want to make it work with this guy. I really and truly do. But it isn't working. I am not sure how many more signs you will need that he isn't committed, but just know that you will have my shoulder when you finally decide enough is enough.


I agree sorry!
I see no effort on his part at all!
Tell him you need him to come home for a family visit. 
What about the kids? Don't they miss their dad!
He needs to step up now.
It's time to toughen up chick!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Where are you in the reconciliation?
> 
> The reason I ask is because my wife and I just had our anniversary, but we weren't "reconciled". I wasn't even sleeping in the same room with her. I decided that there was nothing to celebrate. She was pissed but i think it send a clear message that things needed to get better.
> 
> And if he hasn't seen his kids for 2.5 months, yeah I'd put that before a 9th anniversary, but that's just me.


Our reconsiltion started in Nov, then he moved in at the end of Dec. So I think its well enough time to think bout celebrating our anniversary.

He lied to me about how I can't come see him before he gets off work because the place hes staying at charges per person. I called the place and they said no they would not charge me to come visit my husband unless it made it over occupancy.

So I text my husband and said I called the place and they don't charge per person. He so far has not replied back


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sorry hon!
What is your gut telling you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sorry hon!
> What is your gut telling you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My gut is telling me that he is disconnecting from me and that there is something he does not want me to find. Like maybe OW has been in contact with him. Maybe this time she came forward and said she had lied about not being pregnant and there is a baby. He seems to all of a sudden not want to celebrate for us, but wants to spend time with his kids and sees that they have no problems now. Like I'm just the crazy unstable hypo mothere that imagines they all have autism. Thats the way he acted during divorce. Tried to play himself off as the perfect loving father, I feel hes doing it again. I need alone time with him and he seems to not want alone time with me


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Then let him go.
You can't control how he feels and what he does. I know it's difficult for you. I've been there.
Read the sticky on letting go and the 180.
This is going to sound harsh, I'm sorry, but you really need to put you and the kids first now. Leave him be. Choose to step away from his drama.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know you don't like it when I chime in (I think I know why) but :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: with daisygirl


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

And with the kids around, it keeps him from having to have that "one on one" time with you, which it sounds like he is not feeling comfortable with.

Sorry you are dealing with this and him so far away.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> And with the kids around, it keeps him from having to have that "one on one" time with you, which it sounds like he is not feeling comfortable with.
> 
> Sorry you are dealing with this and him so far away.


Thats exactly what I'm feeling that he is avoiding having one on one time with me, just like when he was in communication with OW and she had tried to come between us by saying she might be pregnant. Now I feel like he has something huge to hide. That something may be that she came forward telling him shes pregnant. 

My FB wasw constantly being hacked by someone in the city she is in, with an android phone...He clamimed he didn't know if she had an android phone. I better now do the math in my head about whether there could be a baby due soon and that is what hes hiding from me. That she text him that shes actually pregnnat and he probably didn't believe her so maybe she sent a pic of her self.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm gettign the cell account password from him hopefully tonight. I'm gonna tell him my phone has been acting up..I did tell him a week ago that I thought something might be wrong with the touch screen. We have insurance on the phone, so I'll need a way to be able to contact the cell carrier. After I have the password I can set up an online account and see numbers he texts and whos sending him pics besides me


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

This guy is not worth your time, you could do better. You gave him a chance that few people get, and he is content squandering it over god only knows what. He is still secretive, controlling, and unsympathetic, he lacks any type of accountability or empathy. Your anniversary should have been a chance for him to really show you that you matter to him, and instead, he is figuring out ways to limit the amount of time he has to "put up" with you on that day. 13 hour car ride, then dinner for kids, and whats left for you? 10 minutes before bed? Call him and tell him that for your anniversary you will be going to a spa to be pampered, and that you think its a damn shame that a stranger at a spa will make you feel more taken care of on your anniversary than he would. Tell him that if he wants to see the kids, he can take a 13 hour car ride, say hello, and take another 13 hour car ride back. The nerve! Truly infuriating... im so sorry you are dealing with that jerk.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Blue, please listen to the great people on TAM. Time and time again advice given here has been spot on, including with my situation.

My STBX acted very similar to how he did with OW (emotionally). I don't think he realized all the subtle signals he gave off. Sounds like your H is giving off similar signals to you.

Stay strong and stand up for yourself. 

I know your are strong. You are raising your kids alone with him 800 miles away. I know your are smart too. Smart enough to not ignore that gut feeling you have.

Cheaters have very repetitive habits. And you know your husbands habits and when something is "off". Trust that and you will see the truth.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Even mt mother in law is thinking something is wrong. She knows he lies and thinks he has something to hide and thats why he doesn't want me there while hes not working.
I told her his actions feel the same as whne I knew there was something wrong with him before he actually admitted to OW.

Now I'm doing the math and thinking that if that ***** actually did get pregnant that due date could be August. Someone has been repeadetly hacking my FB account ever since my husband and I got back from a reconsilation vacation in early April. Now since he has been acting extremly weird the hacking has stopped or she has just gotten smarter. There was somehting weird onmy FB yesterday that I didn't put there. I removed them. One was that I checked in somewhere that I had not checked in at.

My MIL hopes hes just being really weird nad that he doesn't have anyhting real to hide, but agrees with me that if he is doing something I have to know about it.

Shes in agreement that I go down early and not tell him and then just show up telling him I was suprising him.

His reasons for me not coming early before our actual anniversary is because he has to work and that I'm going ot be bored and I'm going to text him at work, like I did today...he says. 

I told him that I would be fine sitting by the pool all day working on my tan. He continiued to try to find excuses saying that the place is not perfect and I won't be happy there. Saying that hes trying to suprise me with a trip to CA cause I've never been and what hes doing for me is not good enough. 

So I told him that I wanted to leave on the 8th and not the 9th because I can not guarantee that I won't take longer than he thinks it will be to drive down on the 9th. I said if I drive on the 8th while hes working on the 9th I can just rest from the trip.

If hes hiding something I have to know and this time he can't say it happened while we were seperated so it doesn't count as cheating. He promised me if she contacted him again that he would let me know.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Her parents also agree that if he wants to see the kids that bad that he should drive here to see us all. 

I'm leaving the kids at home with his parents


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

blueskies30 said:


> Her parents also agree that if he wants to see the kids that bad that he should drive here to see us all.
> 
> I'm leaving the kids at home with his parents


I mean his parents


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## notyouraverage (Jun 6, 2012)

I agree that you should drive down early and surprise him. Also, I wonder what is to be going on at his place whilst you all are enroute to Cali? Perhaps someone holding down the fort?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

notyouraverage said:


> I agree that you should drive down early and surprise him. Also, I wonder what is to be going on at his place whilst you all are enroute to Cali? Perhaps someone holding down the fort?


I don't think anyone would be there while him and I are gone. He never lived with or stayed over at OW house. I have my in laws to attest to that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I just think there might be evidence on his computer that he doesn't
Want me to search. It's an Apple computer so I'm not as savy on it for checking deleted emails and browse history
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I don't know how R is possible when you're so far apart. It's hard enough when you're in the same house but this far apart? No wonder you're anxious and suspicious.

Things need to change. You can't change him but you can change what you will tolerate. It's time for you to put your foot down and set some ground rules for R.

Fly out there and deal with this once and for all. 

And yes, he should be flying you out for your anniversary and flying home to visit his own children!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

It's very hard to work on R when we are so far apart and especially when he's acting like there is something to hide. I don't want to worry about whether I'm flying or not. I'm prepared to drive. He needs to drive home if he wants to see the kids. I've done everything to make it easier on him. I take videos and pictures with my iPhone and instantly send them to him. 

I'm not sure if he is still planning on coming out here for labor day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

D day was Aug 29th our 10th was Sept 5 2011. He spent our anniversary in jail. I had bought special expensive dishes for our dinner since this was to be a very important date for both of us. For me it was the celebration of being with someone 10 years, something I had never been able to do before, (6 months is too long) which only confirmed I really was very committed to him and our future. For him, he had also never been with anyone this long etc etc. now I see why. The anniversary is just around the corner and I wonder if we celebrate the 11 yrs. or the 1 year of fidelity? I will allow him to wear his wedding ring. He wore it while having PA. Besides it is my ring for the man who made the marriage vows to me. He broke them, it don't matter what I did or didn't do He alone broke the vows. We cannot undo we cannot go back. I will not wear my ring, there is no value or promises left within that circle of gold and diamonds (of course I could resell it now for the $) So what do we celebrate? He is not coming forth with answers to my questions I feel we are staling. Sometimes I think it's all an act and he is after something like back in the house and his life. The old comfortable house shoes is still a good fit and he knows what to expect. He is very loving, supportive but it seems a waste of time if I can't move forward with answers. He wants to spend time doing things together, real things not just business, working etc. I'm unsure what to celebrate or if to even bother? Does anyone have advise to that, please? Sometimes


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

jupiter13 said:


> D day was Aug 29th our 10th was Sept 5 2011. He spent our anniversary in jail. I had bought special expensive dishes for our dinner since this was to be a very important date for both of us. For me it was the celebration of being with someone 10 years, something I had never been able to do before, (6 months is too long) which only confirmed I really was very committed to him and our future. For him, he had also never been with anyone this long etc etc. now I see why. The anniversary is just around the corner and I wonder if we celebrate the 11 yrs. or the 1 year of fidelity? I will allow him to wear his wedding ring. He wore it while having PA. Besides it is my ring for the man who made the marriage vows to me. He broke them, it don't matter what I did or didn't do He alone broke the vows. We cannot undo we cannot go back. I will not wear my ring, there is no value or promises left within that circle of gold and diamonds (of course I could resell it now for the $) So what do we celebrate? He is not coming forth with answers to my questions I feel we are staling. Sometimes I think it's all an act and he is after something like back in the house and his life. The old comfortable house shoes is still a good fit and he knows what to expect. He is very loving, supportive but it seems a waste of time if I can't move forward with answers. He wants to spend time doing things together, real things not just business, working etc. I'm unsure what to celebrate or if to even bother? Does anyone have advise to that, please? Sometimes


For one thing, I suggest you start your own thread.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How much more, Blue? HOW MUCH MORE?

This is just a sad saga and you won't let it die. He wants to give up, it seems, but you just keep bringing the drama back to life. Stop. Just stop. To me, it sounds like he doesn't want reconciliation and really likes being away from home.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

At my husband wanting it to go to marriage counseling,I contacted our marriage counselor we were going to right before he had to go to AZ. I didn't think she was helping at all. She was just letting him run the show. Not making him understand how to build back trust, be open & honest, transparancy....etc etc...
So I contacted the counselor and she was unwilling to counsel us without my husband in the room even though we have facetime technology.
So I told my husband I was going to see if our previous counselor Donna would work with us. She is really really good, the only reason we stopped going to her was because my husband work schedule and office hours of the counselor was not working out. 

So I emailed the counselor Friday telling her about our updates fromt eh last time we were in, last time being Dec 23, 2011. She knows of infedilities, losing our house, bankrupcy, my living situation with in laws and my husbnad working in AZ. 

I told my husband Sat while he was at a class that Donna agreed to counsel us with him on facetime. He didn't say much about it. Later that night it was Hell with him though. He said that we didn't need to pay another counselor to work out our problems, that all we needed to do was communicate. Of course I disagree with that since my husband is unwilling to read books about how to improve marraiges at all, let alone infedility books. 
The night was very hard with me lashing into my husband, which I never do. It was all about the infedility mostly. I told him that he had to earn my trust back. Its not going to be just handed to him. That there is several things that triggers me to see images nad think the worst. His reply was that I have issues and I need to go get medication and see my counselor more often. I really laid into him just as much as he always does me. I never do this type of thing. I told him several times that if he does not want to change than I will drive to AZ with papers for him to sign and I will start dating right away.

Miraculously the night conversation did calm down. He had hung up on me, but then started texting me. We did end up stopping the back and forth arguing and talking about a little more happy stuff and actually being able to feel the warm feeling inside.

The next day (Sunday) he wanted to know when I was going to schedule a marriage counseling appt and told me when he could do it. Which ironically the whole entires days before arguiments were all centered around me asking him what day and time would be good for counseling. He is still nervous about going to counseling, but maybe he understands that the counselor is going to teach him how to gain my trust again. 

One thing that is very upsetting to my husband is that I don't trust him at all even though he hs been so faithful to me since he moved back in. So I hope counseling helps us. 

There are a few more questions I have about his infedility, not really particulars, but wanting to know when he was committed to me after the infedility. I guess the estimated date that he did not see OW or look for other dates. I'm not sure how relivant it is to know the answer. I just would like to be able to know and say that he was totally committed to me from December to present


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So....he calls you crazy and says you need meds because you are having a hard time with dealing with his cheating??

Blameshifting and gaslighting and every other thing you want to call it.

This is a crap situation. I feel you are looking at this through rose-colored glasses and not seeing the reality of the situation.

I only say this because I was once where you are (more or less) with a man who didn't do SHET to change or see things from my perspective (I was ALWAYS the crazy one) but he'd promise me the world to get me to shut up.

I hope you can see reality soon. Your husband does not respect you or the marriage. He doesn't show any signs of love, imo. This is just way too much drama and I wish you'd just go NC with him for a while...a long while. You can't force a square peg into a round hole...but you'll do what you do and we're here for you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> How much more, Blue? HOW MUCH MORE?
> 
> This is just a sad saga and you won't let it die. He wants to give up, it seems, but you just keep bringing the drama back to life. Stop. Just stop. To me, it sounds like he doesn't want reconciliation and really likes being away from home.


She's started 96 threads since September and she's been told over and over what she needs to do but she refuses to listen even though she keeps coming back for advice.

The same situation as JB100. 

She's in serious denial and living in limbo, but she has to want to continue this.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> So....he calls you crazy and says you need meds because you are having a hard time with dealing with his cheating??
> 
> Blameshifting and gaslighting and every other thing you want to call it.
> 
> ...


Thanks... We will see how counseling goes. If it happens at all. I'm not totally sure we can make the schedule work and be able to get an appt, last appt for the day for her. 

My husband does admit to having regrets....but he does not like to talk about those regrets at all. Only sometimes in a certain setting will he talk about it. Weirdly enough when we were on our reconsilation cruise in March...he brought up the OW while we were sitting alone in the hot tub. It was like he was clearing the air a little.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Stop being emotionally abused. 

blueskies30, this picture is mainly for BHs, but this applies to you too: It's over, just let him go.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It is over, Blue. He isn't in this marriage. 

He was good at faking it until he left for work, but now he's done. Please see that. Counseling won't help and will just waste your money.

 I wish you'd see this, but I am not sure you are LISTENING to what people are saying. He doesn't want this.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> She's started 96 threads since September and she's been told over and over what she needs to do but she refuses to listen even though she keeps coming back for advice.
> 
> The same situation as JB100.
> 
> She's in serious denial and living in limbo, but she has to want to continue this.


I'm sorry I've started so many threads since September....I really should have been seriously soul searching myself before I just assumed what my husband was thinking and totally emotioanlly disconnected from him, which then started a long distance EA with someone I was confiding in and made me feel better for months. I should have been coming here way back month and months ago instead of the 1 person I was going too.

I know things do sound bad, but I'm not ready to just assume without proof. 

My husband is working away from home because there is no work for him in our state that is long term. We would be together as a family if our credit was not crap and we were not going through bankrupcy with lots of bad debt to dump and a foreclosure. So we have to fix our financial stuff before we can move as a family where ever the work is strong.

He is miserable away from his wife and family. I've never seen him so miserable to mis things in his kids lives and his wife's life. He missed fathers day, his youngest daughters 4th birthday and her party. Her party was a week later than her birthdaya nd he tried really hard to come home for that and be home for 5 days, but finances would not let him. He also missed me having surgery, he wanted to be here for me taking care of me instead of his mom.

My husband and I made great great progress From January to June with bumps here and there, but we got through it. Now that we are forced to live apart for financial reasons...its making it harder.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You mean there's absolutely no way for him to find any kind of employment in your entire state? 

And this is partly the result of your own EA?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Blue, I can't keep reading your threads. I'm sorry but I just can't. Please let me know when you decide you've had enough, because I do want to be here for you, but I can't keep banging my head against the huge brick wall you've erected.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> You mean there's absolutely no way for him to find any kind of employment in your entire state?
> 
> And this is partly the result of your own EA?


Ther is no way for him to find employment in our own state because he is union and our union everyday says there ar no jobs on the jobline. Its construction field and all the non uion companies here are winning the bids.

Him not finding work here is not part of my EA, but losing the house is partly because of me or at least the timing of it.


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