# wife lazy and unwilling to change



## arkantos (Oct 15, 2015)

Hi, i am a 30 yr old who just got married 1 year ago. Now I have this really lazy wife who is 1 month pregnant. Quit her job almost immediately and refuses to go out to work in this high demanding society, and refuses to do the housework. Says it would affect the baby. I was stunned but gradually accepted that this was just going to be for 9 months. But last week she just told me she is going to stay at her parents place, as her working 60 year old mother would take care of her better, leaving me to live in our new home alone for 9 months. I really have no idea whats going on.

The wedding dinner, the house downpayment, renovations all were paid by me, as she is not a person who saves money. Not 1 cent. Even after all these i could still accept the fact that i would have to work a little harder so that we could have a better life. But her not doing anything? I thought marriage is a 50-50 partnership. And i can safely say now it is 99-1 on me. After quitting her job all she does is sleep all day or watch tv on the couch. Does not cook, does not make sure there is food when i return after a hard days work, when doing laundry she does her own clothes, and when i ask her for anything she would get into a real fit. This has led to countless quarrels with me being on the losing end, as she always just packs her stuffs and goes back to her mums place to stay, leaving me to take care of everything in our new home, including bills and housework, with me already on long hours on my so ever demanding job.*

I am really at a lost. I have asked a few friends for advice and they all agreed my wife is too lazy and doesnt give a damn about anything, and that i should have seen it way before marriage. I agree it was bad judgement on marrying her, but in my country divorce means 50-50 on assets, which she did not even pay for this house. It cost me my entire savings on the wedding dinner and renovations alone, and had to take a loan from my dad for the house downpayment.

Any ideas on how to salvage anything out of this will helpful 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why did you marry her?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Unless she has severe morning sickness or other major complications, there was no need to quit her job at 1 month.

And why is a married woman staying at mommies? Why does she need "taking care of'? Pregnancy is normal. 

This chick needs a wake-up to grow-up call and yesterday.

You need to have a chat with her. Tell her grown, married women do not behave this way. If she continues on, tell her divorce is on the menu. 

What is she going to do when the baby comes?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

arkantos said:


> Hi, i am a 30 yr old who just got married 1 year ago. Now I have this really lazy wife who is 1 month pregnant. Quit her job almost immediately and refuses to go out to work in this high demanding society, and refuses to do the housework. Says it would affect the baby. I was stunned but gradually accepted that this was just going to be for 9 months. But last week she just told me she is going to stay at her parents place, as her working 60 year old mother would take care of her better, leaving me to live in our new home alone for 9 months. I really have no idea whats going on.
> 
> The wedding dinner, the house downpayment, renovations all were paid by me, as she is not a person who saves money. Not 1 cent. Even after all these i could still accept the fact that i would have to work a little harder so that we could have a better life. But her not doing anything? I thought marriage is a 50-50 partnership. And i can safely say now it is 99-1 on me. After quitting her job all she does is sleep all day or watch tv on the couch. Does not cook, does not make sure there is food when i return after a hard days work, when doing laundry she does her own clothes, and when i ask her for anything she would get into a real fit. This has led to countless quarrels with me being on the losing end, as she always just packs her stuffs and goes back to her mums place to stay, leaving me to take care of everything in our new home, including bills and housework, with me already on long hours on my so ever demanding job.*
> 
> ...


I can understand a lady wanting to be a stay at home mom. But this is different. She is walking all over you and you are letting her. 

Don't put up with her bullsh_t.

If I were you, I would put the house up for sale, and get a small apartments for myself.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

There is more going on. No idea what. It could be anything with this little data, but something is way off.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

She totally baited you dude.

She's using you, that's all there is to it.

Don't expect her to ever do her part in the marriage. 

You didn't mention the sex but I'll bet it went from good or even great to nonexistant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a signed and notarized loan agreement with your father? If not get one done as soon as possible. Usually when assets are 50/50 so are debts.

How much equity is there in the house?

You are 30. How old is she?

If you don't mind sharing, what country do you live in? That info would really help in giving you input.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You have accidentally married a princess instead of a partner. As long as she thinks the world revolves around her, your marriage is doomed, and people who think the world revolves around them rarely change unless there's a big upheaval that forces them to re-examine their life.

Tell your wife you can’t afford the house anymore since she quit her job, and sell it, paying your dad back his whole loan with generous interest. Rent an apartment, or better still, follow her to her mom's house to live there too. After all, a husband should be close to his pregnant wife! A while after that, initiate a separation, because you can be sure things won't be going well after that. Divide what’s left and get out of that sham of a marriage. Share time with the child, pay her CS for the next 18 years, and call it the price of being able to enjoy the rest of your life.

A marriage only works if BOTH people put in effort. It isn't some group project where a lazy participant can coast by on the efforts of the other person.

Good luck.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are asking us to do what 30 years on earth has failed to accomplish assuming she is your age. We cannot cause maturity to occur in someone so mentally underdeveloped. You are asking for a miracle likened to walking on water. I regret having to tell you this but you can forget reason, you can forget logic, you can forget empathy and you can forget her taking responsibility. She is the epitome of spoiled rotten brat. Sadly, I fear your only recourse is to leave her and find someone with whom to actually start a family. I know you stand to lose in this situation but every action carries a price tag and this one is steep.

I know nothing of your location or situation save what is in your post, which is scant, but perhaps, if she has left you for "mums" many times and now for the duration of her pregnancy, you could pursue some type of annulment due to abandonment as opposed to divorce. I wish you good fortune.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

warshaw said:


> She totally baited you dude.
> 
> She's using you, that's all there is to it.
> 
> ...


I disagree. Sometimes people think that once they have made it, they will be able to relax, whether that is getting a degree, getting a good job, getting married, the kids leaving home, retiring, the truth is we always have to keep going.
Marriage can change women dramatically if they feel they have finally made it. 

OP, I am assuming you have made it clear that this is not OK?

See a lawyer so you know where you stand. This sounds harsh and I am sure she believes she cares for you, but at the back of her mind she feels she has you over a barrel. You need to find out whether she is right.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You have nothing good to say about her, you have obviously repeated conveyed that to her, so its no surprise that she's going home to her mother. In response to the possible dissolution of the marriage, you are a true romantic, commenting that how am I going to get reimbursed for the wedding dinner, etc. "I have asked a few friends for advice and they all agreed my wife is too lazy and doesnt give a damn about anything." Are all your friend corporate vice-presidents. (yes men). 

I think there's some shared responsibility for the failure of this marriage and you share a commitment to self-interest with your wife. 

Decide what you want. If money is the big issue, maybe she will let you keep the house. If its preservation of the marriage you need to start listening and stop talking and find out what's bothering your wife


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## TxBlondie (Oct 16, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> There is more going on. No idea what. It could be anything with this little data, but something is way off.


I totally agree.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Something is absolutely WAY WAY off with this. Grown up, married women don't go stay at mummy's for the duration of their pregnancy.

There's got to be more to this...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Something is absolutely WAY WAY off with this. Grown up, married women don't go stay at mummy's for the duration of their pregnancy.
> 
> There's got to be more to this...


I got married to a wonderful, down to earth woman. Once we were married everything changed. It could be that something is way, way off. But not necessarily. 

The thing that might be way off was some sadness in her soul, that longed for relief. When she became and wife and soon to be a mother it went to her head and she grasped at the idea she had made it and did not want to look back.

This could be wrong and we do not know, but let us not assume the man is the baddie here, there is plenty of that in mainstream relationship advice.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> I got married to a wonderful, down to earth woman. Once we were married everything changed. It could be that something is way, way off. But not necessarily.
> 
> The thing that might be way off was some sadness in her soul, that longed for relief. When she became and wife and soon to be a mother it went to her head and she grasped at the idea she had made it and did not want to look back.
> 
> This could be wrong and we do not know, but let us not assume the man is the baddie here, there is plenty of that in mainstream relationship advice.


Not assuming anything at all  Just saying it's VERY odd.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

In some women pregnancy can trigger depression. Sleeping all day, only wanting to watch tv, quitting a job....sure sounds like depression. It depends whether or not this is a change from previous behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me I would pack up all her stuff and take it to her parents house, drop it off in their drive way and tell her, that until she wakes up, grows up and wants to act like an adult then don't come back.

There's a whole lot missing here but her behavior stinks and it's one thing to be pregnant and another to be flat out lame. Put the ball in her corner and before you let her come back make sure you tell her that it's will be on a temp basis because your not playing games with her.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

6301 said:


> If it was me I would pack up all her stuff and take it to her parents house, drop it off in their drive way and tell her, that until she wakes up, grows up and wants to act like an adult then don't come back.
> 
> There's a whole lot missing here but her behavior stinks and it's one thing to be pregnant and another to be flat out lame. Put the ball in her corner and before you let her come back make sure you tell her that it's will be on a temp basis because your not playing games with her.


He will be find this difficult, as he will be concerned about being left with the bill for a child with a non-working single parent. Certainly, he has to make it clear this is not acceptable and quietly see a lawyer so he knows the situation he is in.

On the depression issue, if she is not depressed now, she will become depressed if she just sits round the house all day feeling delicate and ungrateful.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

She may have health issues eg. iron deficiency, depression or something like that and should be checked out. If you can get her to agree that the current situation needs to have some change (maybe with a counselor or with the help of her mum or a friend) go for some small things she can do rather than focus on things she doesn't like to do. Maybe do the washing and include her stuff and try to be the change you want in the world. If she's talking about moving in with her mother, I recommend calling her mother and discussing it with her.


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## arkantos (Oct 15, 2015)

Thank u for the replies. I am from singapore and i admit i might be pushy at times. Expecting her to fulfil her part as a wife. But i have been closing 1 eye, sometimes 2 whenever she does not do what she promises. She is a manicurist, and she quit immediately after getting pregnant with the reason being she does not want to sniff in the chemicals which might harm the baby. Zzz.

Anyway sex in a nutshell. Everytime it gives me the feeling she just does it for the sake of doing, and wants to get it over and done as quickly. Sometimes i would take a longer time and she would complain. We haven had any form of physical contact for a month now.

I know its a short time to judge a person, i know i have my flaws as well, but all i want to know, is it okay to be married to someone who would throw all burdens to u and expect u to fulfil while she sits there to enjoy the fruits of labour, but run back home once a small crisis appears?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't blame her.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

The fumes in those places are really bad. To be honest when I walk past places where they do lady's nails I hold my breath. So I can understand not wanting to work in one of those places if pregnant.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

arkantos said:


> She is a manicurist, and she quit immediately after getting pregnant with the reason being she does not want to sniff in the chemicals which might harm the baby. Zzz.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^If that's true, then she did the right thing. Those fumes are dangerous and could indeed harm the baby.

She's only 1 month pregnant, so it's not surprising she's not been up for sex, she's probably very tired and feeling sick. That will change in the second trimester though.

I agree, she shouldn't run to her mother's every time something doesn't go her way...that's very immature. She's pregnant ffs, not suffering a terminal illness, lol.


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