# Advice for communicating with a hypocritical ex



## woburn77 (Aug 29, 2014)

First time posting. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and convey my dilemma.

I left my wife 9 years ago and we divorced shortly thereafter. I have a daughter-14 and a son-11. My relationship with my ex-wife has varied over the years from almost civil to highly contentious with most of our history being at least somewhat contentious.

I'm not claiming to be perfect. I most certainly am not. However, discussions with her seem impossible. I called her a hypocrite in the title and I truly believe that description fits but I'd really appreciate replies especially if you think I'm missing something.

First, a few recent examples of the hypocrisy. 

1) She tells my children I am a bad father and a bad person that is not going to heaven. I have never uttered anything harmful like that about her ever. Yet, she tells the children and me that I am jerk and I am awful to her.

2) She has not worked in 7 years instead moving her and my children in with her boyfriend for 4 years until recently breaking up. I lost my job last year and was out of work for 6 months. I used some of that time to travel when I didn't have the kids. She told my daughter, " doesn't this guy ever work?"

3) She has lived in 5 homes since 2007 and moved the kids school 4 times. This last time she was going to move close to me. We toured the school with the children and we agreed on a school. 3 months later she moved to a house even farther away and enrolled the children in school by her without consulting me and making the children promise not to tell me anything. My son told me anyway and I confronted her. I told her I was taking her to court to stop this. She told my kids, "See what I have to live with."

4) 2 nights ago she asked me what time I was getting back from out of town with kids for the 3 day weekend. I told her she could come get the kids at 7 pm. She got angry that that would waste her whole day and that it would have to be earlier. But its my weekend and my holiday with the kids. She blasted me to my daughter about what a jerk I am but all I said was that it was my day.

I am taking her to court and I think I have a real case but I still don't know how to get past the hypocrisy and denigrating comments she makes to my children. There are many many more examples of her hypocrisy. Some of them are far more extreme than what I've written here. My problem is that I don't know how to deal with this. I've tried to limit my communication with her and that helps some but as soon as she doesn't get her way, she blasts me to the kids.

Any suggestions?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Man, you're way further into it than me but I've dealt with some of this. The main reason I feel like I'm qualified to reply is that I hashed this sort of thing out in court. 

I will never ever trash their mother. Just like you said. But when we were in front of a judge she talked like I was the worst father ever. The judge saw through it easily. I can't even remember now what the judge asked but it was something about what the kids like, IE, what is the kid #1's favorite pizza restaurant. My ex had no idea. I told her the top 3 in order. 

I guess my point is that you have to remember the tenants of not being able to control another person and trust that living right will prevail. 

My heart goes out to you. Its a terrible spot to be in having her run you down.


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

I feel for you. That is 100% WRONG to trash the other parent to the children. I would never to that to my kids regarding my exH, and he CHEATED. I think it is DEFINITELY smart to bring her to court. Lawyer up, and be calm/civil as possible in court. Try to keep the kids out of the court room if possible  Best of luck to you...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Unfortunately, you cannot control what she says or does. What you CAN do is to have a fully open line of communication with your kids. They are old enough to reason with. Let them know that you are aware of how their mother speaks of you, and encourage them to be open with you about it, and to come to you when this hurts them or raises questions for them. Encourage honesty. That is really your best defense against this, she sounds like a real piece of work.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Take the high road on this one. If the kids ask questions, just say their mom still has feelings around the divorce and thats her way of expressing them.
Kids are a lot more preceptive than most give them credit for.
Time will come when they see through the BS.

Probably sooner than you think...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Been through this, complete with ex moving and having daughter keep it a secret even though she went there every other weekend. Although his campaign of denigration was purposeful with the intent of ruining the mother-daughter relationship irreparably and forever, it was unsuccessful.

I agree with 3x - it's OK to acknowledge that you are aware of the negative comments. Don't make my mistake - I confronted him about it and that only made him press her to not discuss anything that was said or done while with him. She'd come back with her lips sealed. She wouldn't even tell me what they did in generic terms like "eat out" or "go swimming" so I had to stop asking. They need to be able to openly discuss what's going on.

Document everything. Personally I think you should go for primary/full custody. That lifestyle being pulled from school to school, encouraged to be deceptive and be exposed to constant badmouthing isn't healthy for them.

It is perfectly OK to refute any comments she has made but stick to the facts including anything negative about her. I found the book Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshack to be very helpful. It runs the whole spectrum from occasional badmouthing to outright parental alienation and how to address these issues with the kids and how hurtful it is to them.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if you add about 2-3 years to the ages, it described my 2nd love, her

little brother and....her mom. Her mom would even down him to me.

Anyone who would listen. Met him, (her dad) was a great guy. Told him I felt

sorry for him having to deal with her. At the time, I was 19...yeah it

was that bad. The kids may already realize what is going on. They pick

up quicker than we think. In a few years, they will be able to decide 

if they want to stay with you more or all the time. Some time in the 

future you may want to have a serious "sit down" with your daughter.

Would it break your heart if she ended up like her mom?

What will you gain by going to court? If they were each 7 years

younger, I would agree. Sometimes people think they are building

themselves up and tearing their X down but, in reality.... all they are

doing is showing their true colors.


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