# emotionless men...



## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

He loves me, he has since we met 3 years ago. But now its only that. He has me, he loves me. No feeling past that. Even that sometimes I think is just a "i love you b/c i always have. You've been here and now i'd just like to keep it that way." 

He's not romantic, mushy, loving, cuddly or anything. Its just life. He doesn't think about it. Love is not a thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't think about the good things... if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever. But ever since he "caught me" 3 years ago and no longer had to try, he just stopped. 

I however am very different. I'm an emotional, deep, loving person. So its very difficult to love someone whose not. I feel like he doesn't love me because he doesn't show it. but he just feels no need. And if he does feel a need its because I told him to, and he's not gonna do something on those pretenses. So now he feels forced. I told him to do it because he loves me but thats just not a good enough reason for him. 

Is there any way to get him to care? To give him a heart. 
Idk if it was because of his past or what but doesn't really matter. Emotions are useless to him and he just plain refuses to let himself feel anything. 

We aren't married although we should be by now. But now we arent gonna be able to get back to that point without him feeling something. 

I love him and I'm NOT leaving.... I just don't know what to do. My gut reaction is just to freak out at him and that just plain doesn't work. I cry, he yells at me that i'm a cry baby. He doesn't care if he upsets me because to him I shouldn't be upset. 
Emotions are just plain a useless, unnecessary, waste of time. 
I don't know what to do. I threaten to leave, he gets mad and says that if I really want to leave then I should just go, its my decision. But ofcourse I don't want to... i'm just trying to get him to realize how easily he could lose me.. but he just doesnt see it that way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you TOLD him how you feel?


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

i dated a man like this.it never got any better no matter how many times i talked to him about my feelings.we dated for 4 years and i never once saw him cry or get choked up.not even when old yeller died.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/27511-some-people-truly-broken.html

The link above is to a thread where I posted the parable for "The Broken Popcorn Machine".

Some individuals just shut themselves emotionally off. Many of them cannot even control it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kate0558 said:


> if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever.


This has me honestly confused, and I'm not saying that in a mean-spirited way. What you see is what you get. You either accept it as it is, or you leave. Neither one of you want to leave the relationship, yet you sound rather dissatisfied with your partner. 



Kate0558 said:


> I told him to do it because he loves me but thats just not a good enough reason for him.


I sound like a broken record, but people cannot be controlled or manipulated to do or be anything other than what they are, unless they allow it. Sounds to me like he isn't going to do what you want him to do. Again, I'm confused. You state you know how he is, but you still want to make him do something he isn't capable or willing to do. 



kate0558 said:


> Is there any way to get him to care? To give him a heart.


He alone is responsible for his feelings ... or lack thereof. You have to accept him as he is. None of us have the power to change another person. This post also has me asking myself why you would think he has no feelings. Granted, there are people who aren't deep thinkers, but all humans come with a set of feelings/emotions. It's in our DNA. This guy may just not be particularly emotive about love. If you want to buy a loaf of bread, you don't go shopping in a hardware store. I don't know if that analogy is clear, but it's one we use in A.A. and Al-Anon frequently 



kate0558 said:


> I love him and I'm NOT leaving.... I just don't know what to do.


In this case, love him for the qualities that you ... well, LOVE. There is nothing else you can really do. People are not projects we take on in order to "remodel" them. Whatever it is you love about him, embrace it.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> This has me honestly confused, and I'm not saying that in a mean-spirited way. What you see is what you get. You either accept it as it is, or you leave. Neither one of you want to leave the relationship, yet you sound rather dissatisfied with your partner.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Dear Prodigal ~

Your post hit home and made a lot of sense to me.

Thank You ~

VH


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

I don't know if its that he's not willing so much as it would take a huge effort for him (where as most ppl it would just come naturally). And he's just too lazy or more like never thinks to make the effort because once the conversations over - its over. never thinks about it again. 

Theres a lot of things I can deal with. i dont need to love him for how he is to me. I have other reasons to love him. But what I need is to KNOW he loves me a lot. Going on one little thing he did a year ago doesn't work that well. Actions speak louder then words kinda thing. I get an I love you before bed and before we leave for work... but when none of his actions are saying that, especially after 2 years... it makes me wonder if he really feels it. i have a hard time believing him now. 

Idk if I should do it to him so he gets the hint kind of thing or if i should just leave him alone. I feel like i've tried both to no avail. But then again like I said hes not a very cuddly person... so if i start cuddling up to him he'll let me for like a minute then push me away cus its "uncomfortable".


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Don't marry this guy or you will regret it more than you can ever imagine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

why would you say something like that? 

i've been with him 3 years. i know how he is. atleast i know what i'm getting into instead of being surprised a year after like most ppl.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Don't marry this guy or you will regret it more than you can ever imagine
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm afraid I have to agree with this statement. Seriously think about whether you want to continue this relationship before you're 14 years and 4 kids into it.



> I'm an emotional, deep, loving person. So its very difficult to love someone whose not.


I'm the same way and I'm married to someone who sounds a lot like your SO. I looked past it so many years and I made sure that he felt loved, gave him affirmations, initiated intimacy and finally realized that he has RARELY done things like that for me. He will respond to my attempts to connect but won't do it himself. 

I'm so tired of holding up the emotional end of our relationship and I just can't do it any more. And what's worse is that I just don't want to do it any more. And he can't (or won't) so here we are. And it sucks.


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

i agree with tenyearhubby.the things you're willing to tolerate now and for the last three years may be things you won't be able to tolerate or put up with after 10 years or 20 years.especially if you're already on a message board having issues with it.knowing what you're getting into and living with the issue unchanged for the next 50 years of your life are two different things.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Dylan said:


> i never once saw him cry or get choked up.not even when old yeller died.


That's not right.:scratchhead:


Kate what are you getting out of this relationship? He gives you no emotions, and leaves you empty, a lonely life to live.

Can he show anger easily? or the other negative emotions.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You cry and he calls you a crybaby? honey I can tell you right now you with the wrong man. If you don't plan on leaving, then plan on this happening more and possibly getting worse.


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## Yamaha_R1 (Jul 3, 2011)

Looks like your boyfriend Kate 0558 and my husband have attended the same course at school ‘How to be emotionless’ 

And now on a serious note, I can understand what you are going through because I am in exactly the same boat. 
I am 34 and my husband is 42, we have been married for 5 years (known each other for 7). My husband used to be loving and affectionate for the first 12 months of the relationship then it just slowly stopped. As ridiculous as it sounds nowadays I get more affection from my dog then my husband.

My husband says he loves me but only when asked. He doesn’t show me any affection at home not to mention in public. He could go weeks without kissing or holding me or being intimate. To be honest he even avoids sex. This started 2 years ago. Whenever I try to initiate something he either makes an excuse that he is either tired or it’s not the right time or he just literally pushes me away. It’s like threading on egg shells every time. I understand that we have been married for almost 5 years so things will not be as they were when we first met but my husband not wanting sex or intimacy at all is not right. Similarly to Kate0558 my husband doesn’t care if this upsets me and he does not think it is a problem. 

I have tried to speak to him about it on numerous occasions but he simply refuses to discuss it and ignores me. I told him how the whole situation makes me feel and that I do not understand why he behaves the way he does but I got no explanation apart from ‘you are nagging again so what do you expect’. 

So I am back in square one contemplating what to do next.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kate0558 said:


> He loves me, he has since we met 3 years ago. But now its only that. He has me, he loves me. No feeling past that. Even that sometimes I think is just a "i love you b/c i always have. You've been here and now i'd just like to keep it that way."


 SOME men ENJOY the thrill of the chase, once they get the woman, they get a little bored, they KNOW they have you, and see no reason to exhort effort. It IS a destructive flaw that hurts many women. These types usually seek more conquests though, don't sound like yours is doing this. (one plus!) Was he EMOTIONALLY engaging, flirtatuos /romantic THEN? What has changed in the relationship over these last 3 yrs ? Any attaction issues? 

My question is --* WHAT gets him excited ? What does he show spirited enthusaium about? * Do you feel he has other priorites before you OR you feel #1 -except this nasty lack of verbal & emotional sweet talking that many women get mushy over & frankly we ENJOY -- Makes us feel alive, loved, cherished & connected. There is nothing wrong with YOU for desiring this. 



> He's not romantic, mushy, loving, cuddly or anything. Its just life. He doesn't think about it. Love is not a thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't think about the good things... if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever. But ever since he "caught me" 3 years ago and no longer had to try, he just stopped.


 I find this very very SAD - he sounds like a robot to me, dry as a saltine cracker and given your differences, you being invitingly deep, enjoy emotion being shared , I am going to *warn* you, you may have been able to "put up with this 'this far" but you will get tired, this will drain the life out of you , you will always be seeking MORE from him, he will feel pressured (as he has told you he does not want forced) , it will be a tiring hamster wheel of each trying to get something from the other. He will want left alone, you will want what any normal woman wants. 

This boyfriend sounds like a LONER, the type who can be happy with "just living" he has no need of anyone else for a normal -even if somewhat borning happiness . Has he been in other relationships? If so, who dumped who? 



> Is there any way to get him to care? To give him a heart.
> Idk if it was because of his past or what but doesn't really matter. Emotions are useless to him and he just plain refuses to let himself feel anything.


 Has he had trama in his past / childhood / hurt very deeply & closed himself up?? Is he on any kind of medication for Depression by any chance? If so , they have the ability, for some, to steal your emotions, making you a little "zombie like", zapping the sex drive and also all that warm & romantic stuff that goes along with it.



> We aren't married although we should be by now. But now we arent gonna be able to get back to that point without him feeling something.
> 
> I love him and I'm NOT leaving.... I just don't know what to do. My gut reaction is just to freak out at him and that just plain doesn't work. I cry, he yells at me that i'm a cry baby. He doesn't care if he upsets me because to him I shouldn't be upset.
> Emotions are just plain a useless, unnecessary, waste of time.
> I don't know what to do. I threaten to leave, he gets mad and says that if I really want to leave then I should just go, its my decision. But ofcourse I don't want to... i'm just trying to get him to realize how easily he could lose me.. but he just doesnt see it that way.


Re-read what you say here carefully --- YOU feel you should be married by now, This translates to me he must not see it this way or you would be. YOU say you will never leave -he knows this, so takes you for granted. YOU cry, he yells, he DOESN'T care if you are upset because he has no use for emotions. 

He even tells you to LEAVE-that you should just GO , it is YOUR decision. Basically what this translates to me is -he is speaking very loud and clear he has NO desire, and zero intention of changing, and if you want to stay, STAY but he will continue to be what he is - a robot and as dry as saltine cracker emotionally. 

Yes, it is your choice. 

My advice -- You will forever be chasing after the wind to keep this one interested. So not worth it - doesn't even seem possible. I agree wholehearily with the others, LOOSE this man. If you do not, you WILL regret it. He needs to be joined with an unemotional woman who maybe lives for her job or wants to marry for $$ & not caring about the man or his feelings towards her, something like that. YOu are not this woman. 

Take these tests --learn more about You & His temperment differences -also you & his Love languages. "Verbal affirmation" & "Physical Touch" is obvioisly at the bottom of his list, he sees zero value in it. ANd I bet near the top of yours! Major disconnect with no care on his part. Huge Huge red flag. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My husband is the same way Kate, though he won't push me away when I try to cuddle. But I am the one who has to initiate everything 90% of the time. I never understood how you can love someone and marry them and not want to hug them all the time or touch their hand when they are sitting next to you or hold hands when you are walking. My husband doesn't even sleep in the same bed as me because he says it is uncomfortable. And when he has to sleep in the same bed because my sons have friends spend the night, he doesn't turn to me and put his arm around me or anything, and when he gets up in the morning he just gets up. He doesn't kiss me or hug me or anything. I've been living with it for 16 years (married 12, together 16) and it hasn't changed so don't expect it to change. You either have to have enough "mushyness" for both of you or go out there and find what you are looking for. Some men just love differently than us and don't have that mushy gene I guess! And from what I hear you shouldn't take it personal either that they aren't like that because that's just the way they are, but I still do at times. It is hard to get used to but you ask yourself, "Would I like to spend the rest of my life without him in my life?" and you think about what your life would be like and decide whether or not you feel it is worth it to leave.


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## lostkey (Jul 4, 2011)

It seems *kate0558* your doing everything for him. What about you?! Can you honestly say he brings joy in your life? When you wake up, and before you fall asleep can you honestly say your happy?! If you take time for you, and ask yourself honestly these questions I bet your answer is no. However, if you want to stay with this man let me give you a glimpse into the future. You will be upset, sad, depressed, and crying the majority of the time. Your life with him will feel empty, and lonely. You will try to get him to open up and connect, but he won't. He'll say your nagging him, he'll get up and walk away from you. You'll start thinking it's you that's got the problem, not him! And all the while you'll be thinking you'll get through to him this time. But the hurtful truth is he will NOT emotionally connect. *kate0558* I'm sorry if you think I'm being too hurtful. I'm just trying to be as honest as I can, because I see myself in your message of help. I have the same problem with my husband of twelve years. We've been married ten years, dated two. My husband is an emotionally detached man. Nothing let me repeat nothing has got him to emotionally connect. I have tried everything, talk, cry, plead, yell, even joke around. Only to find I'm the only one hurting. I'm the one with the headache, the stomach problems, the sleepless nights. But him, he can walk back in the room as if nothing happened, and not be phased that I'm balling my eyes out. When my husband does say he loves me, he's either looking the other way, or walks away mumbling it. Our sex life is nonexistent. Makes me laugh when I hear comedians say the woman never wants sex. Boy is that a lie! You've come to this forum for help, and by the responses including mine there are many in the same situation who are trying to show you what your life might be ten or twenty years from now. The difference is I made my decision to end my marriage. It took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of tears. I decided I gave all I could for this man, who said to me the other day "I am who I am". He's right, but I am who I am too. I gave every ounce of my twelve years to him, trying to get close to him. All I got in return was an emotionally detached man, who never learned to open up, and never learn to share his heart. He never saw how this detachment put a wedge, a distance between him and I, and for the many people that came into his life to give, and show him love. I believe my life is more precious than giving any more time to someone who won't see the gem before his eyes.


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## loumama48 (Sep 10, 2011)

I couldnt believe when I read your message ... It was exactly what my soon to be ex husband was like! To the T! If I tried to express that I NEEDED him to SHOW he loved me, not just say it he would get mad and call me drama. There is no emotion to this man what-so-ever! I really dont understand why I married him or stayed with him for these 3 years.When we met on facebook we actually would talk about 6 hrs a nite. HE was the one who was more "mushy" then me but I opened up to it and fell in love with him. He lives in Norway and got me a ticket, well anyways without the long story in between, he has a cold cold heart and ya want to know how he ended it before his visa was final? 5 weeks ago I asked him if he was still in love with me, and in his blah monotone voice says yes he is and thats why he married me for life..well, 4 weeks ago was the last time I spoke to him, he wont answer calls, emails or pleas to have answers, then I got angry, then I got smart, last week I filed for divorce and I email him to let him know and nothing back. I know he gets the mails, hes on facebook posting (I took him off as friend and husband but see his thru friends) he goes on everyday,) But I asked myself why I stayed and after a month of ignoring me I just realized I cannot go thru the rest of my life wanting and pleading for some emotion from a man who never ever will..There had to be something I loved about him but his coldness leaves me wondering what. Let me tell you, DO NOT stay..it will tear your heart out, and in the past 3 days I can honestly say..Im better off without him and sadly..I DONT know why I ever loved him..maybe it was I hoped for what he was like when we met. My mistake. I also said I would NEVER leave him..well he left, and I thanked him before I blocked him off facebook and blacklisted him off email.Because someday he WILL want to talk and I dont see me wanting to again, ever


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Kate,
How old are you and how old is he? Is this your first significant relationship? What were his other relationships like? What is his family like?

Sweetie, leave. Pack a bag and stay with a friend or family for a few days. If he doesn't come running after you, you have your answer as to what your next step should be. 

No lovey, dovey cuddling, hand holding, surprise flowers or foot rubs? Dump him and get a puppy!


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

AND...If you are hanging onto this guy because you don't want to be alone, rethink that. It is better to be single and free to not feel tied to an emotionless man. 

When I got a divorce I had to find something else that fulfilled me. Something that I had control over -- so I started running and competing in triathlons. Crossing the finish line is far more emotionally fulfilling as a single woman, than sleeping with someone who doesn't love me.


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## myview (Sep 5, 2011)

i will tell you the reason why this is the case and im talking from rough experiences.
its because men always get beaten down and are always supressed, not allowed to show their feelings otherwise the woman kicks them down, insults them and before you know it she is on the next guy down the list. its how it is. men are just there to fall back on to, for money - thats it. 
im very sorry to say but i do not say things i dont know what im talking about. i am talking from experience.

if you show emotion, then its all too much for the woman (drama etc...) and if you show a little, then still, all too much and the woman toys with the idea of being with someone else because she can and does not care about hurting the mans feelings at all what so ever, but instead get told to "grow up" or to "suck it up" and all these bad demeaningful things (bad does not equal good ladies!)

once again - im not generalising, im saying, this is how it is. and im talking from experience, should you wish to accept it or not (most likely probably not as I have also experienced!)

above all, I think we can all agree at the very least that there is not as much care, compassion, understanding or kindness as there once was which also led to alot of beautiful romance.


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## RobW00 (Sep 11, 2011)

Men starts concentrating on work and loose more interest in his personal life, As the communication become less, feels like everything going in different direction.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

my view w said:


> i will tell you the reason why this is the case and im talking from rough experiences.
> its because men always get beaten down and are always supressed, not allowed to show their feelings otherwise the woman kicks them down, insults them and before you know it she is on the next guy down the list. its how it is. men are just there to fall back on to, for money - thats it.
> im very sorry to say but i do not say things i dont know what im talking about. i am talking from experience.
> 
> ...



I believe you are in fact generalizing due to your own experiences. Not all women will kick a man when he's down. 

As for men just being there just for money....plenty of women make more than their spouses. I speak from experience on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I believe you are in fact generalizing due to your own experiences. Not all women will kick a man when he's down.
> 
> As for men just being there just for money....plenty of women make more than their spouses. I speak from experience on that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Past experience. You made more than your Ex- husband but not me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Past experience. You made more than your Ex- husband but not me.



Ha ha....silly a$$!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Love you 2!


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## nela1322 (Sep 12, 2011)

Reading your message gave me chills. My husband is the same way. He used to be so sweet until like you said, "he caught me". I miss the man that made me fall in love with him with his sweet emails, phone calls and texts. He just isn't there anymore. I am the gushy one and starving for love. He leaves me hanging a lot and it hurts like he!!. I don't have any advice because I am in the same boat but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Good luck and I hope that you get the love you long for.


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## nela1322 (Sep 12, 2011)

smartyblue said:


> Kate,
> How old are you and how old is he? Is this your first significant relationship? What were his other relationships like? What is his family like?
> 
> Sweetie, leave. Pack a bag and stay with a friend or family for a few days. If he doesn't come running after you, you have your answer as to what your next step should be.
> ...



I love this advice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband is somewhat similar. I have learned to see what he does do, even though to me, it's minimal.

Like the other day when he got himself a beer and then went back in to get me some wine when I didn't ask for it and was working on the yard. That was thoughtful. 

And last weekend we were watching a movie and he kissed my hand. 

I'm just very demonstrative. He's not. He is in bed, though, and little affectionate things here and there, but to talk about how he feels? forgetaboutit.

How was his childhood? Was he allowed to have emotions? My husband wasn't so it's difficult for him to express things although he does feel things deeply. He just never shows it. He's got a good poker face too, unless he's drunk.


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## kristinacox (Sep 12, 2011)

RUN RUN RUN!!!!! My soon to be ex was/is just like that, not to mention the fact that he didn't take responsibility for anything emotionally or practically. He is a control freak in the strangest way, instead of him doing something and taking the chance to be "wrong" I was reluctantly put in charge and had a lot of things on my plate so if something went wrong it was automatically my fault. His mom is involved heavily in our relationship as apparently the cord was never fully cut, and it took a very damaging toll on the relationship. According to her the only responsibility he should have is to go to work and earn the money, and leave the rest to me... excuse me?!?! I thought I married an adult, he says he is an adult, he claims he is even more mature than I am...(although I will admit there are some ways he APPEARS more mature, but such is the result of living with a covert abuser). He used to be sweet and caring, and maybe some things I did diminished his ability to be that person, but my behaviors didn't start until I was ignored when I would voice my needs. I still don't want the divorce, but it's not like I am being stubborn about it either. I am at the point where whatever happens just needs to happen, for now I am focusing on my health, and the health of my children (whom unfortunately are with him...but that in itself is a long story)... Basically if you don't leave, he will get tired of you especially if you keep voicing your concerns and he will claim you are smothering him or something similar, and YOU will be blindsided by his desire to have you gone, so leave while you still have your dignity so you don't have to face rejection on top of mourning a loss.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think many of these men were raised to be "macho". At least in my husband's case. He was beaten if he cried.


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Please, please, please listen to the advice of those who have posted here. 

Being involved with an emotionally stunted/closed off person is a very lonely and painful road. 

You cannot change him. 

Only he can change himself and that is *if he wants to*. From my experiences and many others here on this board, that is very, very rare.

And it doesn't get easier or better with time.


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## JAE4179 (Apr 17, 2012)

Sounds like a difficult place to be. I have been here, but the man was mentally abusive. He did say many of the same things. this man said many of the same things, his good qualities (if any now that I look back) certainly did not outwiegh the bad. When I ended the relationship, I felt alive and important again.

Since then I have met a wonderful man that has trouble expressing his emotions. Very quiet, but I know he loves me. He does not shower with gifts or comments or does he verbalize a lot. It is his gentle touches and sweet kisses on the cheek as he walks by. I miss the emotional connection but that why one has girlfriends. We know we are partners, but it is important to relationships to have friendships and spend time with those friends.

Think about it. It the good to good to leave or the bad to bad to stay. This is a great book! I was told to read it my exhusband and I were trying to make a decision to divorce. The titlie itself is states a lot alone. Don't cut yourself short. Good luck.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

To quote Popeye: "I AM THAT I AM AND THAT'S ALL THAT I AM" 

Don't take it personally. He is just a person who does not show emotion. Do the 180 and stop wishing he will change. Once you give up the fight, you will find happiness. This is a fight you will never win. Let go and be free. 

Oh, and don't read romantic books or watch romantic movies, those make me super pissed off. Hey, I said I accepted him for who he is, I didn't say it is easy!


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Yamaha_R1 said:


> My husband says he loves me but only when asked. He doesn’t show me any affection at home not to mention in public. He could go weeks without kissing or holding me or being intimate.


I hate to break the news, but that's how emotionally stable people act. He thinks of you as a real friend and he's not worried about losing you.

What the OP wants is someone with serious abandonment issues. Every 5 seconds, they remind you how much they love you. They constantly demand your attention. Please show me love! Don't leave me the way my dad did!


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## jackp (Apr 18, 2012)

Kate0558 said:


> He loves me, he has since we met 3 years ago. But now its only that. He has me, he loves me. No feeling past that. Even that sometimes I think is just a "i love you b/c i always have. You've been here and now i'd just like to keep it that way."
> 
> He's not romantic, mushy, loving, cuddly or anything. Its just life. He doesn't think about it. Love is not a thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't think about the good things... if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever. But ever since he "caught me" 3 years ago and no longer had to try, he just stopped.
> 
> ...




Take it from one who has been on the receiving end of that conversation. My wife wants me to be romantic, etc. But she says it with her hands on her hips in disgust. Not exactly a mood enhancer. Try being sweet and avoid being critical of his attempts. My wife has shot me down so many times that I care no longer to try. She wants me to be romantic but when I am she says...Not now! I'm not in the mood for that.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think this thread is another example of how some women expect men to think and behave like women. I understand that there are men who can stay romatic throughout a marriage, but I think those men are lucky enough to have wives that act like girlfriends throughout the marriage. Once you start acting like a wife it kills our instinct to romance. It's sort of a catch 22.


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## jackp (Apr 18, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I think this thread is another example of how some women expect men to think and behave like women. I understand that there are men who can stay romatic throughout a marriage, but I think those men are lucky enough to have wives that act like girlfriends throughout the marriage. Once you start acting like a wife it kills our instinct to romance. It's sort of a catch 22.



Nail on head. And I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but women that gripe about men not being romantic just don't understand that men are different by design. I have noticed many women who struggle with this were never close to their fathers. My wife included.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

jackp said:


> Nail on head. And I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but women that gripe about men not being romantic just don't understand that men are different by design. I have noticed many women who struggle with this were never close to their fathers. My wife included.


I even posted that a few posts up.
Demanding constant reassurance that your husband loves you = because your father never made it clear. He might have left entirely.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

It sounds like something/someone has made him close off emotionally to the world/relationships. Don't take it personally. Although for you to be happy you should probably move on. If he doesn't comfort you when you're crying this is a problem and a deal breaker for most people. Forget about his needs and think about yours. It's not fair that his needs are being met but yours aren't.

Good luck


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

If he doesn't meet your emotional needs, don't marry him until this is worked on. Have you tried MC? He needs to realize the pain he is putting you through, until this happens you will never be happy.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Some men just aren't affectionate. I'm married to a guy like that. He just doesn't initiate affection often unless it's in the bedroom. I'm a very affectionate touchy feely person (and he loves that about me), but he just doesn't initiate hugs and kisses unless he's on his way out the door to work.

It was very hard to get used to at first as he'd walk into the kitchen to grab a soda from the fridge and walk right past me..throw himself into his computer for hours at a time, etc. Most of the time I felt like a piece of the furniture.

One time we were standing in a store and he actually put his arm around me. It surprised me so much it made me jump. His reply was, "Did I scare you or something?" and all I could say was, "I'm just not used to you being very affectionate often."

Of course I appreciated it, but I wished he'd do it more often. On the other hand, he shows his love in other ways as he always tells me he loves me and will sometimes send me flowers so he can be very romantic at times. For Christmas this last year, he bought me a star and said the most wonderful things in the card.

I sometimes think that we as women tend to expect our husbands to be as romantic, loving, and affectionate as they were when we first started dating, but I've realized that life isn't a Harlequin Romance. My hubby makes a pretty gallant effort though and wines and dines me fairly often even if it's just to a Mexican restaurant or the local buffet..lol!! He sends me flowers when I least expect it and never EVER forgets to tell me how much he loves me on a daily basis so I guess, even though he's not very affectionate..he shows his love in other ways.

We all need to remember that after the "honeymoon period" wears off, we fell in love with our husbands for many other reasons besides all the flowers, cards, and romantic things they did. Once the wrappers come off, we all have our little idiosyncracies that make the people that love us..and who WE love..love them more for who they are and them being romantic and affectionate is just a bonus.

Sometimes life gets the best of us, whether it's working, taking care of the kids, etc. and we tend to "let our hair down" Our men may walk around in their BVD's..us women may get used to wearing sweats and no makeup around the house..as life gets comfortable between two people. It IS nice however, to have a "date night" once in awhile, which me and my husband do when time allows, as he cleans up nicely!! The last time we went out, he surprised me by buying himself a new blazer and some really great smelling cologne..just for me. He also didn't fail to tell me how wonderful I looked and that he was soo glad to be married to such a sexy hot woman..and that it was soo nice to see me in something other than sweats..lol!! In addition, as we sat in the restaurant waiting for our table, he put his arm around me (which again he rarely does), and said how lucky he was to be married to such a wonderful woman.

Again, times like that are such a bonus when you've been with someone for awhile and get into that comfort zone.

In addition, he had to be away for awhile on business. Rather than walking in the door wearing his rumpled clothing that he'd driven hours and hours in..he'd stopped to change into some fresh new clothes and again, put on a new cologne he'd purchased with me in mind. Again, what a bonus to think that he loves me enough to want to walk in the door and look especially nice for me. When I complimented him on it he said, "Why wouldn't I want to look and smell nice for the woman I love??"..as I'm standing there in my sweats...lol!!

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones to be married to such a great guy. He may not be one of the most affectionate ones..but he shows his love in so many different ways that I couldn't be happier.


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## Lisaloo (Nov 4, 2017)

Kate0558 said:


> He loves me, he has since we met 3 years ago. But now its only that. He has me, he loves me. No feeling past that. Even that sometimes I think is just a "i love you b/c i always have. You've been here and now i'd just like to keep it that way."
> 
> He's not romantic, mushy, loving, cuddly or anything. Its just life. He doesn't think about it. Love is not a thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't think about the good things... if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever. But ever since he "caught me" 3 years ago and no longer had to try, he just stopped.
> 
> ...


Im a very emotional person, and I have met someone for 2 months now like this, I'm in turmoil we are to either leave or deal with it.....personally I don't think I can deal with this for years with him. I need to make a life for myself, he is happy he has his life ex wife kids, what does he need? Women come and go.......he just tells them each time hes selfish he cant give anymore.....don't try to change him, I'm this one.....try not to be emotional he does love in his way if you can handle it stay or if not then find another....im 47 never married never kids, men are difficult, I have tried to work my life around all of them, this is the problem don't ever to it have your own life....then they respect you and show it more........we are all individual some show it or others take advantage coz you let them.


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