# Sexual fantasy and mortified



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't even know where to post this, but I will try here. Aside from my other marital problems, I just found out last night why some members of my family hate my H. During our divorce, I had to pull out all the stops to try and get ahead because I was going into the divorce a wreck to put it lightly. Well I had letters he had wrote me while he was in jail for 7 months, before we really started a life together. There were some pretty sick letters that were written during that time, sexual fantasy stuff. I attempted to use them against him during our divorce in an attempt to show he was a sexual pervert and should not have sole custody of our kids. In the end it didn't matter as he hung himself and we reconciled. 

My question is do I even attempt to explain the letters to my family, not that there's any real explanation other than is was a mutual fantasy and I shared in the back and forth letter writing, or do I chalk this up and let my family continue to hate my H and our reconciliation? There are other reasons they hate my H, but I think this is the biggest. I know I brought this on myself, and I regret it big time, but during my divorce proceedings, things looked really bleak for me. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or even bashing ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Another thought. If that's one of the biggest problems they have with my H, and the fantasy was introduced by me, my idea, he just went with it and actually enjoyed it on some level, should I tell my family that? We have all shut one another off, except my father. Does my family hate my H because of me and they just don't know it?

I'm the sexual pervert!! Ugh 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I don't even know where to post this, but I will try here. Aside from my other marital problems, I just found out last night why some members of my family hate my H. During our divorce, I had to pull out all the stops to try and get ahead because I was going into the divorce a wreck to put it lightly. Well I had letters he had wrote me while he was in jail for 7 months, before we really started a life together. There were some pretty sick letters that were written during that time, sexual fantasy stuff. I attempted to use them against him during our divorce in an attempt to show he was a sexual pervert and should not have sole custody of our kids. * In the end it didn't matter as he hung himself and we reconciled.
> *
> My question is do I even attempt to explain the letters to my family, not that there's any real explanation other than is was a mutual fantasy and I shared in the back and forth letter writing, or do I chalk this up and let my family continue to hate my H and our reconciliation? There are other reasons they hate my H, but I think this is the biggest. I know I brought this on myself, and I regret it big time, but during my divorce proceedings, things looked really bleak for me. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or even bashing ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He hung himself? Did you just mispell something or did he actually atempt suicide?

You accused him of being a pervert. You made your family hate him and you ultimatley drove him to the point that he tried killing himself.

I don't even know what to say. Your husband might have been a sinner, you on the other hand is just evil. Who do you think is more likely to go to hell, a sinner or a genuinly evil person? 

Posts like yours gets me nightmares. A woman can soooo easily ruin a mans life if she wanted to, just by using her words.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

misterthhat said:


> He hung himself? Did you just mispell something or did he actually atempt suicide?
> 
> You accused him of being a pervert. You made your family hate him and you ultimatley drove him to the point that he tried killing himself.
> 
> ...


NO NO. Have you read any of my other posts? No, we reconciled. I mean figuratively Hung himself. DUI. The courts gave custody of kids to me and we reconciled our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

He's still very much alive and as abusive as ever.... Read about him spitting in my face last week on the other thread I started.
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

There's a better life waiting for you, sweetie. I see all of my past in your posts, with the exception of children and marriage, (thank goodness). Does he have a substance abuse or alcohol problem as well? 

Forget about the letters. Your family has many good reasons for not liking your hubby.

Wishing you the best! *hugs*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

misterthhat said:


> He hung himself? Did you just mispell something or did he actually atempt suicide?
> 
> You accused him of being a pervert. You made your family hate him and you ultimatley drove him to the point that he tried killing himself.
> 
> ...


Seriously? It's people who say things like this who keep victims (survivors) of domestic abuse down. Her only 'issue' that I can see is loving a dysfunctional person like I did. These types of relationships are designed to keep the abuser in power and the victim a victim. You should read her other posts to get an idea of all that is going on...
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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

Cherry said:


> NO NO. Have you read any of my other posts? No, we reconciled. I mean figuratively Hung himself. DUI. The courts gave custody of kids to me and we reconciled our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see.

What on earth made him want to reconcile with you then after all you've done?

And how did you reconcile? Did he beg you to get back with him? Who made the leap towards reconciliation?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

At Yin - yes, he does, just another day battle in my marriage. Lost cause, but just thinking about the family this morning. Thanks for the hugs! Hope you can get through your pregnancy with as little pain as possible, so *hugs* to you too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cherry said:


> He's still very much alive and as abusive as ever.... Read about him spitting in my face last week on the other thread I started.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your family probably hates him for more than just the fantasies.

I don't like him and I don't even know him. If you were family, I'd probably kick his stupid ass.


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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Seriously? It's people who say things like this who keep victims (survivors) of domestic abuse down. Her only 'issue' that I can see is loving a dysfunctional person like I did. These types of relationships are designed to keep the abuser in power and the victim a victim. You should read her other posts to get an idea of all that is going on...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How am I supposed to know he is abusive? I based my reply from her opening post.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

misterthhat said:


> I see.
> 
> What on earth made him want to reconcile with you then after all you've done?
> 
> And how did you reconcile? Did he beg you to get back with him? Who made the leap towards reconciliation?


After all SHE'S DONE?!?! :rofl::rofl::rofl: Read some of her other posts and you'll see how ABUSIVE and disgusting he is to her.


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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> After all SHE'S DONE?!?! :rofl::rofl::rofl: Read some of her other posts and you'll see how ABUSIVE and disgusting he is to her.


*sigh* Her opening post in this thread mentioned NOTHING of him being abusive. I made my reply and based it from that post only. 

Was I supposed to have read all her other threads before I made a reply?  Nobody does that.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

misterthhat said:


> I see.
> 
> What on earth made him want to reconcile with you then after all you've done?
> 
> And how did you reconcile? Did he beg you to get back with him? Who made the leap towards reconciliation?


 He got 5 charges on the night he got his DUI. The courts took custody from him, I was getting ready to get my house back, the judge was not happy with him, he was going down fast. Winner, huh? Anyway, he begged me back, I had worked through my nervous breakdown which started the whole divorce thing, and we started counseling together. In a nutshell.
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

misterthhat said:


> How am I supposed to know he is abusive? I based my reply from her opening post.


Well, you apparently know that she is evil, I would assume you know everything else as well.

I think you owe her an apology.

I agree with you, that_girl... A good ol' fashioned @$$ whooping would be in order.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I agree with you, that_girl... A good ol' fashioned @$$ whooping would be in order.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude....seriously.


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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Well, you apparently know that she is evil, I would assume you know everything else as well.
> 
> I think you owe her an apology.
> 
> ...


From her opening post, that sure was the way it seemed.

And no I'm not gonna give her an apology because her opening post in this thread mentioned nothing of abuse from his side so I had no possible way of knowing that.

I can admit though that the situation is not what I thought and that if he is abusive then he probably deserved it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks ladies, but I was trying to get advice based on the sex fantasy really, aside from all that other stuff. My family doesn't necessarily know ALL the details of abuse. I'm really asking for my own conscious. The fantasy is really quite disgusting, and I know why I had that fantasy. If it resulted on my family thinking he's a sick pervert, should I tell them where he got the idea to write the letters?
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You can apologize for berating a person you don't know, and making ASSumptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, abusive and a mind-effer.

Last week or so, after an argument, instead of hitting her, he SPIT IN HER FACE. 

So...personally, I think she shouldn't give a crap WHO hates her husband. The family probably has DAMN GOOD REASON to hate her husband.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Thanks ladies, but I was trying to get advice based on the sex fantasy really, aside from all that other stuff. My family doesn't necessarily know ALL the details of abuse. I'm really asking for my own conscious. The fantasy is really quite disgusting, and I know why I had that fantasy. If it resulted on my family thinking he's a sick pervert, should I tell them where he got the idea to write the letters?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't tell them anything.

What you fantasize between your husband and yourself is PRIVATE and if they found out then oh well. Life goes on. 

I have some SICK fantasies of my own  We can PM them if you want so you don't feel so perverted. 

lol.

Tell your family it's none-ya. lol none ya business.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

The sex thing, if you really must go there, (and you won't really be getting an 'all clear' from your family even if he gets off the hook for this one and you know it), then talk about it with them. I honestly don't think it will change anything though... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

We all have sick fantasies. It's really no biggie. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> You can apologize for berating a person you don't know, and making ASSumptions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Assumptions huh? I made a reply and based it solely on what she said in her opening post. I'm not gonna apologize when I didn't do anything wrong.

If somebody writes something in a post. THAT is what I'm gonna reply to since thats ALL I KNOW about the subject. I can't be expected to know something the person hasn't written. I'm not a psychic


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Yea, abusive and a mind-effer.
> 
> Last week or so, after an argument, instead of hitting her, he SPIT IN HER FACE.
> 
> So...personally, I think she shouldn't give a crap WHO hates her husband. The family probably has DAMN GOOD REASON to hate her husband.


I know, and I agree, its just this would really be for me. This was one of those that you feel pretty dirty about, but only after. And I can see why it would really be the icing on the cake, maybe. At least that was one of the main reasons given.
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Then quit calling people evil! Pretty harsh for, looks even harsher for yourself to be so quick to judge.

I make assumptions all the time, and I'm not afraid to owning up to being an @$$, either! LoL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

YinPrincess said:


> We all have sick fantasies. It's really no biggie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this. But the family that hates him, at least on the outside, think looking at titties is a major sin. Oh well, needless to say, that particular fantasy is a non issue in our sex lives now. I've come up with a few others in my own mind now. LOL
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I know this. But the family that hates him, at least on the outside, think looking at titties is a major sin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you care what they think? If so, why? It's yours and yours only. You really don't have to answer to anyone. I just don't want you to open yourself up to more hurt. Ya, know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

YinPrincess said:


> Do you care what they think? If so, why? It's yours and yours only. You really don't have to answer to anyone. I just don't want you to open yourself up to more hurt. Ya, know?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True. I'm gonna give it a little more thought based on the families attitude since they just told me that was a major reason for their continued hatred... It's been a year and a half since our reconciliation, and about a month since I decided enough was enough with the alienation of our family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misterthhat (Nov 19, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Then quit calling people evil! Pretty harsh for, looks even harsher for yourself to be so quick to judge.
> 
> I make assumptions all the time, and I'm not afraid to owning up to being an @$$, either! LoL!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Offcourse I don't believe she is evil anymore. She is a victim, he is evil(now that I know the full story).

But if a person wrote the same thing the OP did, except the husband wasn't abusive. Then it wouldn't have been harsh at all to call that person evil. My point is, that's all I had to go on and therefore was justified in thinking she was evil and in the wrong initially.

I can't be expected to know of things that has been written before I was even at this forum.

Anyway this is offtopic now. I think the OP should forget what I wrote because it obviously doesn't apply to her situation anymore now that I'm aware of the full story. If I had knew of the abuse then obviously I wouldn't have wrote that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think they use that for an excuse for their hatred.

I honestly think it runs MUCH DEEPER for them.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> I think they use that for an excuse for their hatred.
> 
> I honestly think it runs MUCH DEEPER for them.


Okay, so what if it was your own daughter? Someone told her the content of the letters. I did try to sheild that from my 17 year old. Is this a good time to explain fantasies to her? I guess I'm worried about her thinking the man her mother is with is some huge pervert but I am okay with that because I'm still with him. He's not the pervert. Should I explain to that to her? I don't know, she has always tolerated him, but this time that subject was thrown out there as the biggest hurdle in the rest of the family tolerating him. That's all I'm asking of anyone, to tolerate him. Our Thanksgiving and Christmas have been void of my family and my twins are growing up. I know I have bigger problems, but he will always be the father of my babies, and regardless of whether our marriage makes it, I just don't want my babies growing up hearing what a pervert their dad is. LOL, guess I'm a planner.
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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Okay, so what if it was your own daughter? Someone told her the content of the letters. I did try to sheild that from my 17 year old. Is this a good time to explain fantasies to her? I guess I'm worried about her thinking the man her mother is with is some huge pervert but I am okay with that because I'm still with him. He's not the pervert. Should I explain to that to her? I don't know, she has always tolerated him, but this time that subject was thrown out there as the biggest hurdle in the rest of the family tolerating him. That's all I'm asking of anyone, to tolerate him. Our Thanksgiving and Christmas have been void of my family and my twins are growing up. I know I have bigger problems, but he will always be the father of my babies, and regardless of whether our marriage makes it, I just don't want my babies growing up hearing what a pervert their dad is. LOL, guess I'm a planner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didnt see anything that specified what the fantasies were, so Im talking blindly here...

Id suggest you tell your daughter that, yes, your hubs is a pervert, and thats ok. I think in reality most men would fit the description of pervert, and its nothing to be ashamed of.

Im a perv


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> I didnt see anything that specified what the fantasies were, so Im talking blindly here...
> 
> Id suggest you tell your daughter that, yes, your hubs is a pervert, and thats ok. I think in reality most men would fit the description of pervert, and its nothing to be ashamed of.
> 
> Im a perv


I agree. I would also say that those fantasies are private AND things done between married people (sexually) is all ok if both people want to do it.

I mean, she'll be an adult one day...why not tell her the truth?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you, I know I struggled with accepting my own fantasy for a long time and I started trying to grasp the concept that fantasies are okay as long as some of them stay just fantasy forever. This could be a good opportunity for her to learn a little more about human sexuality and it'll help clear my conscious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What is/was your fantasy?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Thank you, I know I struggled with accepting my own fantasy for a long time and I started trying to grasp the concept that fantasies are okay as long as some of them stay just fantasy forever. This could be a good opportunity for her to learn a little more about human sexuality and it'll help clear my conscious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do some fantasies have to stay fantasies?

If its because your spouse will divorce you if you follow through with it, then I can understand.

It its because you'll end up in jail, I can understand.


Other than that there is no reason you cant have a fantasy and one day act upon it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

At TG - You've got a PM coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I still think your family is just "hating" on him for waaayyy more than those letters. there is a whole bunch of things that built that up.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Cherry, why are you even in contact with your family? Your mother tried to take your kids from you and has broken your trust again and again. She does not sound like your friend, so why are you engaging with her in any way? She's tried to manipulate you and use your kids against you. 

There is no law saying you have to have a relationship with your toxic mother. So don't answer her calls or emails. Just ignore her. You owe her nothing and would be better served not dealing with her at all. 

You are being distracted from the heart of the matter, which is that you are in an abusive marriage and you need to get out. Old letters about sexual fantasies are not anyone else's business but yours. 

Going forward, you must realize that whatever you share with your toxic mother will be used against you. Do not trust her!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Laurae - you're right. My mother is also the one that told the rest of the family the actual content of the letters.... I just have never not had a relationship with my daughter and my brother, arghhh, that's not true! But my mother always seems to be the ultimate drama starter. I've held my ground with her not being able to see my twins, and all hell has broke lose, namely with them bringing up those Damn letters. I see what's going on now :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I believe none of this matters because you should simply divorce your husband because he`s an abusive ****.

However, after reading this I`m beginning to wonder why he`s an abusive ****.




Cherry said:


> During our divorce, I had to pull out all the stops to try and get ahead because I was going into the divorce a wreck to put it lightly. Well I had letters he had wrote me while he was in jail for 7 months, before we really started a life together. There were some pretty sick letters that were written during that time, sexual fantasy stuff. I attempted to use them against him during our divorce in an attempt to show he was a sexual pervert and should not have sole custody of our kids……
> 
> ....If that's one of the biggest problems they have with my H, and the fantasy was introduced by me, my idea, he just went with it and actually enjoyed it on some level, should I tell my family that?


You instigated a personal private fantasy through snail mail with him and then later used it against him to slander him and deprive him of his children.

Not something that`s going to inspire long term love and compassion in a man.

Just a few more situations like this and his abuse becomes understandable.
Not excusable but understandable.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

tacoma said:


> I believe none of this matters because you should simply divorce your husband because he`s an abusive ****.
> 
> However, after reading this I`m beginning to wonder why he`s an abusive ****.
> 
> ...


What happened in the beginning of our divorce was to say in a word brutal. My H turned things around on me so much so that I lost everything... My house, my kids with only supervised visits, DV classes, community service, etc.... He was ruthless. I retaliated because I had already lost custody of my kids to my husband even before the divorce case started. I was pissed that he used my weaknesses against me to take my kids. Was it right? Nope, but neither was him taking over my life and kicking me to the curb. We reconciled and hashed out our divorce mistakes with the MC... We were both out to destroy one another at that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

P.s. the abuse started well before the divorce, so please don't try to justify his actions with this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Cherry, you said you two are having tough times now. Are you worried it will get ugly again if you leave?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Was it right? Nope, but neither was him taking over my life and kicking me to the curb. We reconciled and hashed out our divorce mistakes with the MC... We were both out to destroy one another at that time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ok, I understand what you`re saying and would probably do the same.
If he felt there were no holds barred then the only way to fight against that is by using the same tactics.

I apologize and I was by no means excusing his abuse towards you, just looking for some clarification.

Now tell me Cherry why haven`t you started getting rid of the abusive **** yet?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Cherry, you said you two are having tough times now. Are you worried it will get ugly again if you leave?


Yes, I know it will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Tacoma - give me a break. Cherry is not responsible for her husband being an abusive person. There is never any excuse for spitting in people's faces or hitting them. NONE. 

Cherry - your mother is a narcissist who will not change. You need to accept that. There is a narcissistic family system going in where your mother manipulates and uses other family members to control you and other people. She DOES create the drama, pits people against each other, lies, and doesn't care that she's hurting people. You need to CUT OUT anyone in your life who is not healthy for you. Sadly, your mother and your husband are abusing you in different ways, but it's all still abuse.

I really hope you get some therapy. You need someone who can help you disengage from the toxic people who are surrounding you. 

Don't give up on getting the respect, love, and acceptance you so rickly deserve. It starts with yourself!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Tacoma - give me a break. Cherry is not responsible for her husband being an abusive person. There is never any excuse for spitting in people's faces or hitting them. NONE.


Look I get really tired of people in this forum spewing crap that`s obviously off base.

I specifically said there was no excuse for abuse SPECIFICALLY SAID IT!!!

My point was that what cherry did with the love letter was a goddamn low thing to do EVER.

I then went on to say I understood precisely why she did it after she stated he was using low tactics himself.

So all I`m asking for is someone to read what`s being said before sticking their foot in their mouth.

Thats all.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

It's okay tacoma. It would have been a very low thing for me to do if it was just me doing the hateful things, I struggled with it when I decided to do it even though at that time I had lost everything because of what my H did. Thank you for your insight. And to answer you about why I'm still with my H, there are a million things going on and I'm trying to figure things out for my twins and me. I'm working on it and things are fairly calm for the time being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

SOunds like you've been through alot with this fella but you kep persevering. I would recommend keeping your dirty laundry bagged. Not for the world to see.
Ths funny thing about divorce is that nobody comes out on top. In the end you will both bejudged equally regardless of whose fault it was.


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