# Just read some infidelity posts and I'm all upset all over again



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

So most of you know my story - alcoholic STBX started checked out emotionally a few months ago right around the time that her also alcoholic ex started to put the press on him. She lost interest in sex although we did have sex during that time, she was always texting and FB'ing and this guy's ex confirmed that he was texting her pictures of the two of them. 

So, now I'm a wreck all over again because I guess I didn't really let it sink in all the way. She denied cheating when we had our talk. Of course, she's lying - she is so cold and casual about it.

What do I do now? I've already got a lawyer drafting up the divorce docs and they should be ready in about two weeks. I know she won't respond to any texts or phone calls. I'm already pretty sure she has been told I have been meeting the other guy's ex girlfriend to compare notes. There is this "group" of people that we hung out with together. I'm not hanging out in that place anymore because they're all drunks. Do I FB message them and tell them I know? Do I email her and tell her I know? She will either not respond or tell me lies and tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I know I shouldn't care, but I don't want to look like a complete fool either. 

Do I threaten her to come clean by telling her I will subpoena phone records and emails, etc? Do I just need to let it go?

I feel lost all over again.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its never worth it. I don't even recommend people get all the proof they do these days. If you know for sure in your mind and the signs are all there then just walk away. I listened to a liar for ten years. She cheated on me over and over again and I was a Idiot for taking her back each time. 

Since I have divorced her my life is so much better. It was the best thing I ever did. 

Start reinvesting back into you. Get out and do things. Live your life. 

Clay


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Why do you want to do that? Do you want to get a reaction out of her? Because you're not going to get it.

Those kind of situations, where you reveal that "I know how awful you really are, and I know what you've done!" are never as rewarding as you want them to be, mostly because the other person doesn't give a sh!t about what you think. If the other person really cared, she wouldn't have committed the offensive act in the first place. And her friends already know she's a sh!tty person, but they don't care, because they're probably sh!tty people, too. She won't be publicly shamed, because she has no shame. 

Exposing the affair only matters when you're attempting to wake your spouse up from the affair fog, end the affair, and save the marriage. And even then, it doesn't always work

Just go no contact. It sounds hard--and sometimes it will be really hard--but it's really the best way to go, and it will help you to heal. YOU know what she did, and that's enough. You don't need to tell her friends, because they already know. They know, and they didn't do anything to stop it, and they didn't do anything to stop you from marrying her, either. And she'll probably never openly admit to it, so it would be a waste of energy and just cause you more frustration.

Do you need her to come clean for the divorce case? Ask the lawyer about that one.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just go dark.

Get some new friends.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Thanks for calming me down, folks. I knew in my heart that it was beneath me to do something drastic, but it is clearly sinking in today and I'm just a wreck. I had myself convinced that it was only an EA, but clearly it wasn't. And like I said, it's sinking in.

It is going to be hard to not try to confront her, but it is the stronger thing to do, to heal on my own. I probably shouldn't be anywhere near her again until I'm stronger anyway.

She has already signed the settlement agreement, so the divorce should be no problem. Of course, her cheating explains why she wanted out so quickly and moved so suddenly. The night before I left for Chicago (11th of this month) I was told by one of the "crew" at the bar that she had left the bar with her ex the week before - in a single car. Before I left for Chicago, I told her I knew more than she thought - she stayed cool. I'm sure she found out that weekend what I had been told, and so she decided real quick to push for the divorce, while denying any affair - get it done fast and get out. She had had a very bad experience with a different ex who beat her and beat up her car when they broke up, so she probably wanted to make sure she was gone before I went ballistic - I don't do that, just so you know.

I'm still incredulous that someone could lie like that. I guess alcoholics really have some dark capabilities. It's almost like I was with two totally different people. Just wow. Now my gut hurts again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Be careful what you feed yourself right now. Your mind and your body. 

Only healthy things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> Its never worth it. I don't even recommend people get all the proof they do these days. If you know for sure in your mind and the signs are all there then just walk away. I listened to a liar for ten years. She cheated on me over and over again and I was a Idiot for taking her back each time.
> 
> Since I have divorced her my life is so much better. It was the best thing I ever did.
> 
> ...


Often times it takes that proof for someone to not do what you did. In those cases, well worth it. 

In OPs case, don't do anything. Just let it sink in. You have to feel before you heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

AnonMale22 said:


> I agree these stories are horrible and heartbreaking so don't read other ones for a while unless you need insight or have someone to talk to. Why trigger negativity at this point? I agree you should eat well, get rest, and work out vigorously to improve your mental attitude.
> 
> Cheating alcoholics - that's a double-whammy. No doubt you do not recognize this other person - you have to be a very deceptive person to carry on those activities unnoticed.


I knew all about the alcoholism. It came and went in cycles, but I even told her that her spending all that time in bars and putting herself around people that were toxic (the ex of course) would eventually destroy our marriage. She would slow down, but then get very resentful. 

She is indeed very, very deceitful and very, very clever now as I look back. I know this will pass and it will take time. I need to do the real work to address my own issues that kept me from dumping her long ago - that's why I am seeing a counselor. 

It's just that I ache all over again today. I think that was why she was so cold on Monday when she came to get the last of her stuff - she knew I had pieced it together and that I was no longer believing her lies. She has no shame whatsoever - it's quite chilling. In her mind, I'm sure that she has worked it out that she didn't really "cheat" and that this is all my fault anyway.

Here's the other thing, people like her can't stand to be alone. She took this step only because she felt there was something safely in the wings in whatever form or dynamic.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Betterman said:


> I know this will pass and it will take time. I need to do the real work to address my own issues that kept me from dumping her long ago - that's why I am seeing a counselor.


Good for you!



Betterman said:


> It's just that I ache all over again today.


Expect that to come and go for a while. It's natural.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Don't be confused a lack of emotion.

It could actually be because of a lot of emotion. Shame, self-loathing, disbelief, shock... or it could be classic disassociation. It's not uncommon for those that are delusional to become robotic when they have to confront their own behaviour. It's a coping mechanism.

Or she could just be a stone cold ***** at heart.

At any rate, none of it matters. The fact that you feel so strongly is a testament to your ability to feel, care, and love. It's not a weakness, it's a strength, and something someone will one day treasure in you.

What you need to do right now is just put one foot in front of another. Don't read crappy cheating stories. Don't let toxic people in your life. Get some good friends that will support you. Do positive, creative things. Exercise. Eat right.

Let yourself be angry with her.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

zillard said:


> Often times it takes that proof for someone to not do what you did. In those cases, well worth it.
> 
> In OPs case, don't do anything. Just let it sink in. You have to feel before you heal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you read my post you would see I said they see the signs. That in itself is evidence. I am not talking about a gut feeling. I am talking about actual evidence. I personally don't think I need to know how many times my xW had sex with her OM or what position they did it in. All I needed to know is she stepped out of the marriage. I really don't care if it was emotional or physical. At that point she can just pack her bags and get out. 

Its your choice what your willing to put up with just like it is OP's.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Just be grateful you are out and will eventually be completely free of this person, free to start any kind of life or relationship (or not) as you please. 

I am so much less stressed, more relaxed, even healthier since moving out seven months ago, from a lackluster, passive/aggressive marriage. I did not even know how bad I felt until I began feeling better.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> If you read my post you would see I said they see the signs. That in itself is evidence. I am not talking about a gut feeling. I am talking about actual evidence. I personally don't think I need to know how many times my xW had sex with her OM or what position they did it in. All I needed to know is she stepped out of the marriage. I really don't care if it was emotional or physical. At that point she can just pack her bags and get out.
> 
> Its your choice what your willing to put up with just like it is OP's.


Yes, you did. And that's fine. 

I'm saying some people need more than signs in order to leave with confidence vs being stuck in ambivalence and never ending second guessing. 

Now, knowing ALL the nitty gritty details is usually only important when R is the motive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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