# Feeling afraid



## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

It's been over a year since the split. I'm coping, my jobs going well, I'm learning to drive, I've started running 3 times a week, I walk a lot with the dog, I'm coping living alone and sorting house stuff but....

I've pretty much become a hermit. I've fine with vital stuff- work and dog walking. But, socially I'm just scared. I've never had much self confidence and this has just knocked the little but I had. My ex was very self confident and while we together some of this rubbed off but since he left I'm just afraid of everything except the safest social occasions. 

I'm afraid to contact friends in case they actually don't want me to bother them. I don't like bars and clubs because I'm afraid I'm not attractive and interesting enough, I'm afraid if I go out that I might run into my ex and collapse in a heap. I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely forever but too afraid to do anything about it. I hate what my life has become but I'm too afraid to do anything about it. 

Did anyone else feel this fear? Is it yet another stage to go through?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Fear is not a good thing it will make you paralyze about the things you want to do.
Life is too short to be afraid.
What if you are dying and you haven't got a time to do the things you really want to do?
There are much much worst of things that you really have to be afraid of than what you have mentioned.
The best experience in life is the things that you are scared of...
The best thing is when you can say to your self i did it!
How will you ever know if you just keep on being afraid of something you haven't figure it out yourself?
There is no harm on trying
Face your fears and live your dreams and just do it...
Yeah i know sound like that shoe commercial but it's
true through
If you want something different to happen in your life then do something different.
Goodluck...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

everantisocial, I too am a hermit on days I don't have my son with me... The same issues you face are also a challenge for me but for me I don't think its fear, it is just not knowing how to start making that kind of change. I suppose I have fear of humiliation that maybe taps into the root of it and prevents me from getting some sort of help getting started, but I acknowledge my big fear is wasting more of my precious time and having regret in life. I have a "bucket list" except when I find myself at the end of the work day I just don't have the drive to do anything except go home and close the curtains. When I get out my shell it starts to feel good but then something triggers and I retreat back deep again... as usual I start the process of building the courage back up again in hopes that maybe next time I get out of the shell I will find something that will make me want to keep out for awhile, but it gets depressing not seeing it and retreating over and over again.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Gosh firstly you sound like you are doing amazingly well. You are being active and working, and coping well on your own. 

It is scary to reach out to people and start making contacts. 
Maybe join a running group nearby or post to see if anyone wants to meet up. Maybe a dog walking group. 
Maybe take an evening class to meet new people. 

Your friends are you friends, they will understand. the fear of picking up the phone and waiting for them to answer, and asking if they want to meet up will be seconds. The relief and joy will be longer lasting. Real friends will understand. "hey i am sorry i am not been in touch a while but i am a bit lonely and could do with catching up and maybe you could do some stuff with me'.

Start off with coffee, then many a few drink in bars, maybe some meals out. Got to a coffee morning, try volunteering, anything. Perhaps the more scary the more you should do it!!

You are doing bloody well and should be so proud, self confidence take a while to rebuild. Have you had counselling?

Make a list of 10 friends and maybe set yourself a task of contacting 2 of them a week. 

little steps at a time, the more success you have the better you will feel.

Is there anyone here nearby to meet. A divorce support group may also be a good idea. 

take care- you are doing great.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Choose an activity you would like to do and then just start doing it. Don't overthink it. There is nothing wrong or weird or creepy about a grown adult wanting to do something and going to a place to meet other people who alsot want to do something. The problem arises when your ego (not saying it is a big one) starts looking at and assessing the rest of you for wanting to do this. It passes all kinds of judgement on you, like if you had close friends you wouldn't need/want to go do whatever. That's all bunk. Just go do something you want to do. Then do it again. Or if you didn't enjoy it go do something else you might like to do! Make friends with yourself. Be the dependable person, not the needy one, when you are concerned with the comfort of others, they will notice. It's different than being desperate, it's just being interested. When I was a kid and I would wake up in the summertime, I never thought, gee, if I had a friend to go with me I would go to the playground/pool today. No, I thought, it's summer, I will get on my bike and ride to the playground and see who is there and what's going on. (My parents were a bit out to lunch so I had to plan things for myself....) I never worried about stuff like would I be likeable! I just went and made friends who happened to be where I wanted to be too. So far doing this in adult life has been fun. But the key to it is, stop overthinking it. You're a HUMAN. It is not supposed to be that difficult! There is no trick to it, no skill to be learned other than being nice and being interested in whatever it is you're doing. Even if you aren't skilled, some passion or enthusiasm goes a very long way.
Give yourself permission to have some fun.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I feel the social fear. I am a hermit. I literally have no friends, I don't really know how to make friends either. I made my life completely about my stbxh. I am so alone. I wish I had of lived my life differently. The problem is I don't know how to start, I'm so depressed from getting a divorce and losing the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with that I don't want to do anything at all. 

I work, go home and sleep, occasionally I will go somewhere on my days off. It is very hard and painful to do things alone. 
I feel so pathetic about my life. I feel like I would have nothing to offer a friendship and would only be a burden to the friend anyways. I am really really afraid I am going to go through the rest of my life alone. So for now I will probably bury myself in my studies and work on the weekends. 

Everyone else had really good advice. I guess I was just sympathizing with you. I wish you good luck and hope that we can all find some sort of social life.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

That's a lot of fears, and I would assume unfounded. You have been dealt a blow and you are still standing. You might think about volunteering. Most places, schools, hospital, clubs, nursing homes are so glad when people volunteer to help out, they never judge. You will make friends and even find that someone who you can spend some quality time with.I know you probably are not ready for a relationship, but just some one to talk to would be great. Also there are online clubs, so find your interest and jump in ) Enjoy this life....it is still good.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. Lon and Caughtdreaming I recognise so many of the feelings you talk about. Though I'm sorry you are feeling that way, it means a lot that I'm not the only one feeling this way. 

It doesn't help that its the school holidays at the moment so I've had the summer to stew. I've never been so prepared for a new term, Spent the first 2 weeks of the hols in school getting jobs done. Also living alone means increased burden on finances, so socializing has to move down the priorities list, just haven't got the disposable income. 

I start a uni course in Sept which will get me out more and mixing with different people so thats something and once I get my driving test passed that will give me more freedom and less excuses. I'm determined not to be sat here complaining next year.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I imagine being active in restoring whatever dump of a house i am going to be able to afford to go live in. I hope I can make it my own, and turn it into something i am proud of. I want to garden a bit, landscape, work on a 1970 Mopar I have and restore it. I have spent so long obligated to someone so draining, that its going to take some effort to even think about myself for once. I guess Im just going to take a passive approach, try to get into a comfortable, predictable routine again. (again,,,,,who am i kidding) (for ONCE would be nice).
But oddly not obligated to someone who so occupied my efforts!

I sure do worry about getting out there again though as well. I am a friendly person, and will walk up to people dont know and introduce myself. I am usually the one at the party that walks around and gives the "hey whats up, and a handshake" even if I forget the names five minutes later. 

HomeMakerNumeroUno, freaking excellent words in your repsonse! 
Thank you for that.

I have gotten to a point that I have said so many things about the D, that I feel like a broken record, dont know if support groups the way to go for me. I imagine once I finally get moved into my own place, I will only then face the true gravity of how it has all affected me, and have to deal with it. I dont think I have yet, for some reason. Like I am waiting, still with my armor on, so "she" doesnt see me wane.

Man if we werent all in different countries and states I'd throw a barbeque or something. cold beer, tequila shots. Hell yeah!
I'd even invite Catherine06, though I beleive she may think me a bit caustic. Probably hit it off pretty well.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Volunteering is a good suggestion.
It doesn't have to be to save the world. 
Just something you enjoy and that gives you good feelings about yourself.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> I feel the social fear. I am a hermit. I literally have no friends, I don't really know how to make friends either. I made my life completely about my stbxh. I am so alone. I wish I had of lived my life differently. The problem is I don't know how to start, I'm so depressed from getting a divorce and losing the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with that I don't want to do anything at all.
> 
> I work, go home and sleep, occasionally I will go somewhere on my days off. It is very hard and painful to do things alone.
> I feel so pathetic about my life. I feel like I would have nothing to offer a friendship and would only be a burden to the friend anyways. I am really really afraid I am going to go through the rest of my life alone. So for now I will probably bury myself in my studies and work on the weekends.
> ...


You are not alone. I could have written your post. It makes it soooo much harder when there is no support system. I have no family, either, so that adds to the mix. This site is a good system of sorts, though real contact would be nice. 

Join a divorce support group. I'm trying to find one myself. If you have some friends, go out to coffee or lunch with them. That's not being a burden. I go out with my girls' godparents a lot. I have a friend I meet for lunch sometimes. Sure, we end up talking about my woes but we have fun, too, and sometimes I listen to their woes as well 

I think people that feel like we do need to learn to depend on ourselves, if that makes any sense. I know I was so wrapped up in my ex that I had/have no life and don't know where to start, either. But I'm trying because I have no other choice now.


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