# husband cheated, shes pregnant. Where do we go from here?



## motherof4boys (May 9, 2012)

My husband had an affair last year. It went on from march thru september. I found out about half way through but i was to weak to do anything about it. By the time i finally told him me or her it was to late and she was pregnant. Shes 17 weeks along now, and i dont know what to do. I'd been asking for a baby for soo long and now i can't have one because he is already having one, with the OP. At first, he came home and did anything and everything to prove how sorry he was for everything and he would cry over and over about how he doesnt understand how he could ruin something that there was nothing wrong with. We had the perfect marriage, we didnt fight, we have 4 wonderful children together, money is tight but that was nothing new. In the last 2 weeks he has tried to get back in contact with her. Trying to get back on her good side so he can be a part of the baby decisions. He wants the baby to have his last name, he wants to help pick out the babys name, and have a part in the babys life. but to do that he is having to go see her and if he doesnt call her at least once a day she throws a huge fit. He's not hiding anything from me and i truly feel he's being honest but it still just hurts that he has to spend time with her. I know he's doing all of this for the baby and he tells me over and over that they don't want that kind of relationship with eachother anymore, that she just needs a friend and thats what he's trying to be. But im really struggling with all this. I want my husband to myself....i've never left his side even thru this whole mess and i wont leave his side even when he's holding a child thats not mine...but am i a fool for doing this? is he just going to break my heart again? I ruined by job, i've put so much aside for him without question, but i just dont want him to hurt me again...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is a terrible, heartbreaking situation for you. I'm sorry to say that I think you are a fool for putting up with this. I would leave him if I were you. I'm very sorry. There's absolutely no solution that will not be painful.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

motherof4boys~

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I'm sure it must REALLY hurt beyond description. I know that it's bad enough when your husband has an affair and betrays your trust--it cracks the very foundation of your world--but to add to it. Well I can not imagine. 

I probably could write a book but I'll try to keep it somewhat brief. You say the OW is 17 weeks along (or just a little more than 4 months) so I assume that you have done the obvious first step of double checking that the pregnancy is real and not just her sicko way of lying and trying to keep her claws in him. Is that true? If you've seen the ultrasounds, etc. or heard from a reliable source like her doctor I'd believe it--if it's just from her lips or your husband's... well nothing personal but I would start there and be sure that this pregnancy is VERIFIED!

I'll continue under the assumption it has been verified by a reliable source, okay? So here's the truth:

Your husband had sex with another woman, and since sex can result in a baby and he didn't take precautions, now it HAS resulted in a baby with some other woman. Legally and morally he has a responsibility to YOU as his wife, to give YOU 100% of his affection and loyalty. He has responsibility also to all of his children, including the OW's baby. Now...he owes her nothing legally or morally. BUT, for as long as your husband and the OW's child are alive, he will have some responsibilities to the child as the child's father. 

I'll be blunt and I don't mean it as cut-and-dried and as curt as it may sound, but you have a couple options. Since he had a covenant with you to forsake all others, and he broke that covenant (and fathered a child), it is 100% within your rights to say the marriage is over and you will not reconcile. That may not be an option you wish to take, but it is an option. 

Another option you have is to go complete NC with the OW, calculate what the child support would be, and just send the CS money to your state CS Enforcement department. The OW raises the baby 100% by herself and he basically does not get to see or spend time with his child--and that's the reasonable cost of his adultery. Of course, that would be harmful to the innocent child to have no father, but his legal responsibilities would be covered and your marriage may be saved. 

Another option would be to share custody with the OW (like 50/50), but that does not mean your husband needs to be "involved" with the OW. Arrange to have the baby dropped at XYZ Daycare by the OW and picked up by your husband during his time with the baby, and when time is over he takes it to XYZ Daycare and OW picks up the baby. It could be at a church, at a relative's house, at a friends....or if you are up to it, YOU could go pick up the baby and thus avoid him having to be in contact with her! Yes, I realize it's difficult to be in NC with a baby, but when spouses divorce they share kids and custody all the time and don't need to be "involved" with each other's lives. So him trying to be involved in baby things or her trying to snag him for baby things is EXACTLY LIKE an ex trying to get someone to mow the lawn "for the kids." Nope--it's NC or nothing. 

Finally, to be honest, you could offer to have the baby 100% of the time and adopt it. I mean, nothing personal but the OW might only see the baby as a way to keep your husband, and once she sees she won't be doing that...she may not want it. I'm not saying you should take away her parental rights or anything, but here's a weird thing I've noticed. When someone is the kind of person who will have an affair, often during the affair they are so distracted by the thrill of the moment that they don't think of their own children! I've seen a TON...and I mean probably a thousand... women completely walk away from their children while they are trying to pursue some man. So you never know! She may have the baby, be completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all...and if you are up to it and have that kind of moral fortitude, you could offer to have 100% custody. 

Here's the thing: your husband did a HORRIFIC thing to you because he is the one who made a promise to spend his lifetime learning how to love you, and instead he gave what was yours to someone else. The OW was not exactly moral here either because she knew he was married and did not run away! BUT the baby did no such thing. The baby is an innocent, and the baby is a child who needs love just like everyone else. 

So here's my final thought--no matter which option you pick, remember that your husband is guilty and it's reasonable for the cost of his adultery to hurt him. The OW is guilty and it's reasonable for the cost of her immorality to hurt her. But the child is just an innocent child. No matter what you choose, the cost of two adults' choices should not be paid by the child. 

Okay?? Where is the hug emote? ((((hug)))))


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I think you should divorce him and get child support for your kids because if she gets child support first she will get more $ then you.

I don't know how exactly calculation works but first kid to get child support gets most $.
Someone correct me if I am wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

:iagree::iagree: with Affaircare

Your husband should have absolutely no contact with her. What he is doing right now is not required at all. The OW knows what she’s doing. She is increasing her emotional hold on him. He is continuing the affair. His continued interaction with her is hurting you beyond belief.

Like Affaircare said, you need verification of the pregnancy. 

Then paternity needs to be verified. Just because she says he’s the father does not mean he is. A paternity test can be done during pregnancy or after pregnancy. The prenatal test is more expensive so it might be best to wait for the baby to be born.

But here’s a link to the prenatal one if you are interested: Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test

Once the baby is born then paternity can be established. If your husband is indeed the father then child support and custody/visitation can be settled upon. Affaircare has very good suggestions on how to handle this. You and your husband can get an attorney to help with this.

You are completely in your rights at this point in time to tell your husband that he stop all contact with her NOW or your marriage is over. 

I suggest that you visit an attorney before you confront him. You can get free consolations with a few attorneys to find out your rights. Many will give half an hour to an hour free consultation. This way you can get info and hopefully find an attorney you like.

If he will not end the affair then file for divorce immediately. Have your attorney file for interim spousal support and interim child support. This will protect your children as first in line for child support. 

ETA: Interim child support is the support paid to you between the time you file for divorce and the time the divorce is final.

Also ask the attorney about your chances of getting alimony after the divorce. You should be able to get at least rehabilitative support to help you get training if needed and give you time to find a job.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I would not stay with this man If I were you. That is easy to say and hard to do but do you really want to share your H?

And who cares if she needs a friend? Why does it have to be your H? 
He has no right to be friends with her and if he honestly is sorry to you then he should not even want to be friends with her.

If you are going to stay with him you should insist he has NO contact with her what so ever! And if he wants to be a part of the babys life it should be only when you are around and in your home.
He should never go to her house and never be alone with this woman and the babyand if he must call her it should only be infront of you.

But all in all its a very tricky situation.


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## Sillybil (May 24, 2010)

I am in a similar situation here and trying to cope and save my marriage. Found out about 2 months ago just because the OW is pregnant and claimed is his. He believes her without doing test. He was not expecting this to happened but it is done now and he wants to be a good dad as his dad was not there for him. Now he wants to work this marriage with me but wants to be there for the child meaning go to doctor with OW, help her find a house and move etc. OW have other kids with other man and obviously not working out and she told him either she moves in with my H or going back to her country. My H said he wants to do the right thing for the child as he always wanted one and he wish that it is with me but the fact that we have no kids together and I really want it but has not happened. Now OW has full control and use him to do things with her. I feel so sick in the stomach that he is doing this with her, but expect me to go past this. HOw can I go past this if he is still in touch with her. THen his argument is he wants to be there for the child but no choice this is what it needs to be done to help her of what she needs. He wouldnt even tell her that he is working his marriage with me coz he said he doesnt want to make her upset and hurt her which can disturb the baby she is carrying. She was fine before she met him, she can go around and screw other's people husband why out of a sudden she cant do anything. I wish I could make her go away, I do not wish any good things to her and I wish all this things never happened. Now I dont know how to deal with this. I am desperately need help. My H doesnt like to be told so he is going to do what he thinks need to be done and expect me to be ok with it. He wouldnt tell me where she is either but he can go and help her etc. What a mess he has created and he keep being stubborn and I feel that he got everything he wanted a baby on the way and me as his wife willing to give him another chance but using me as a doormat. please if anyone has experience any success in working out this marriage with this kind of mess. I really need your input. I dont want to walk away from this marriage and I dont want to let this OW to have him.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sillybil said:


> I dont want to walk away from this marriage and I dont want to let this OW to have him.


Your guy knocks up some other gal and now wants to 'be there for her'?

And he wants to stay married to you and also be there for you, too?

Personally, I think I'd let her have him. Seems like quite the loser to me.


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## too (May 27, 2013)

Sillybil said:


> I am in a similar situation here and trying to cope and save my marriage. Found out about 2 months ago just because the OW is pregnant and claimed is his. He believes her without doing test. He was not expecting this to happened but it is done now and he wants to be a good dad as his dad was not there for him. Now he wants to work this marriage with me but wants to be there for the child meaning go to doctor with OW, help her find a house and move etc. OW have other kids with other man and obviously not working out and she told him either she moves in with my H or going back to her country. My H said he wants to do the right thing for the child as he always wanted one and he wish that it is with me but the fact that we have no kids together and I really want it but has not happened. Now OW has full control and use him to do things with her. I feel so sick in the stomach that he is doing this with her, but expect me to go past this. HOw can I go past this if he is still in touch with her. THen his argument is he wants to be there for the child but no choice this is what it needs to be done to help her of what she needs. He wouldnt even tell her that he is working his marriage with me coz he said he doesnt want to make her upset and hurt her which can disturb the baby she is carrying. She was fine before she met him, she can go around and screw other's people husband why out of a sudden she cant do anything. I wish I could make her go away, I do not wish any good things to her and I wish all this things never happened. Now I dont know how to deal with this. I am desperately need help. My H doesnt like to be told so he is going to do what he thinks need to be done and expect me to be ok with it. He wouldnt tell me where she is either but he can go and help her etc. What a mess he has created and he keep being stubborn and I feel that he got everything he wanted a baby on the way and me as his wife willing to give him another chance but using me as a doormat. please if anyone has experience any success in working out this marriage with this kind of mess. I really need your input. I dont want to walk away from this marriage and I dont want to let this OW to have him.


I read this and all I can think is, "why is this poor girl hanging around?"

As being a father is so important to him and this mistress has given him a child while you weren't able to, she is going to assume the alpha female role in his life. If you stay with him, you will almost certainly assume cuckold-like role in his eyes. You will always be the betrayed wife while she is the mother of his child. She way even try to test his limits by attempting to remove you from his life.


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## motherof4boys (May 9, 2012)

Sillybil, 
I wish I could tell you that everything gets better, but I can't. I can however tell you how we made it through and hope that it helps. I was doing the same thing as you. I took him back but he was giving her rides to the dr, checking on her after work, PAYinG HER RENT, it was getting ridiculous. I was determined to fix my marriage though and swollowed my pride. i was so ashamed of everything going on that I stayed to myself and didnt feel I could talk to anyone...which is why I came to this site. But things did finally look up. One evening after theyd been in an arguement (the one thing I can tell you, is even if he won't admit it, the OW will never be as good as you. You are his wife) he texted her and said that he wanted custody of the baby. In our situation, the OW has other children but they were in state custody and she was 'working on getting them back'. She got irate and starting calling him names. Telling him hes an alcoholic drug abuser, etc. and that he would never get custody of the kid. He was texting her very calmly trying to talk about the situation and she finally texted him saying 'i'll make them do a DNA test, and its not yours anyways." It was as simple as that. All the money, support, everything he had given her and it "wasnt yours anyways" After that they have not spoken. My H spends everyday trying to make up for his mistake to me. I get flowers on a regular basis, I get I love you's. Any you can believe that his ring has never been off since that day. The OW is due in two weeks....we've been in contact with our lawyer and she will be going up to the hospital for a DNA test just to be sure, but even if it does turn out to be his, we will be okay. These few months have given us such a great time to recover and realize that we need to spend time with eachother and much as with our family. We had been so busy between work, the kids and the house that although we thought there was never anything wrong with our relationship, we realzied after this mess that everything was wrong with our relationship was nonexistent....we were just on a schedule. My husband and I both agree that we are so much more in love now after this all happened than before. 
I hope this helps a little to see that there is a way to make things better. I do regret not putting my foot down, because I feel like if i did it wouldnt have been dragged out this long, but at the time I remember being so scared of putting my foot down because i thought he never would stay with me. Turns out he never would have left me.
And if things don't work on....just know that there is someone out there for you that you werent even aware of. Maybe your husband was just a stepping stone to a happy life....


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Mother. Wow. You are far far better than I as I would be far far gone.


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## Sillybil (May 24, 2010)

motherof4boys, thank you for your input. Please tell me how did you cope with those emotional turmoil while you decided to keep the marriage. Did you just not saying anything even though it hurt you that bad? I find it that he is very defensive and shifting blame everytime I tried to talk about it. We are living in separate home but seeing each other almost each night. To me this is not enough as I dont know what he is doing when he is not with me and it scares me so much that he will fall for her. I know I am so much better than him. the OW doesnt speak the language so there wont be any communication or great understanding, no car, no education, no career. For him to be with her, he would have to constantly take care of her which he is started to do things for her as she said I dont have this and that. But funny she can go screw around with someone's husband. To me that is someone who has no moral or integrety at all. And I dont know why he gets away with what he is doing. I am just scared when the child is born, he will be so attached as he will go to see the child and OW will be there. Just the thought has made me sick. Please tell me how do you cope with this. Do you just pretend than everything ok and treat him nice with no complaint whatsoever? so many people tell me to leave. But my heart told me to stay and work on it. I wish my situation will end up like yours that your H realise that he wants to be committed only to you.
When you said there is a way to make it better, what is it? Somehow reading your post has gave me a little hope. thank you so much.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i'm amazed at the sh8t some people put up with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> i'm amazed at the sh8t some people put up with.



You and me both. I would be so out the door, neither one of these scumbags has had any consequence whatsoever and will probably continue to cheat. The world is full of doormats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

motherof4boys said:


> My husband had an affair last year. *It went on from march thru september.* I found out about half way through but i was to weak to do anything about it. By the time i finally told him me or her it was to late and she was pregnant. Shes 17 weeks along now, and i dont know what to do. I'd been asking for a baby for soo long and now i can't have one because he is already having one, with the OP. At first, he came home and did anything and everything to prove how sorry he was for everything and he would cry over and over about how he doesnt understand how he could ruin something that there was nothing wrong with. We had the perfect marriage, we didnt fight, we have 4 wonderful children together, money is tight but that was nothing new. In the last 2 weeks he has tried to get back in contact with her. Trying to get back on her good side so he can be a part of the baby decisions. He wants the baby to have his last name, he wants to help pick out the babys name, and have a part in the babys life. but to do that he is having to go see her and if he doesnt call her at least once a day she throws a huge fit. He's not hiding anything from me and i truly feel he's being honest but it still just hurts that he has to spend time with her. I know he's doing all of this for the baby and he tells me over and over that they don't want that kind of relationship with eachother anymore, that she just needs a friend and thats what he's trying to be. But im really struggling with all this. I want my husband to myself....i've never left his side even thru this whole mess and i wont leave his side even when he's holding a child thats not mine...but am i a fool for doing this? is he just going to break my heart again? I ruined by job, i've put so much aside for him without question, but i just dont want him to hurt me again...


I am sorry, but could she be 17-week pregnant if the affair ended in September? It just doesn't add up. 

Anyway. I know you are hurt. We all here say, however, "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you." I know you would prefer him not to be in his baby's life. Would you like to be married to a deadbeat father though? Regardless who the mother is, that is his child too (if she is not lying by the way). He should have thought about it before he had an affair (with no condom too! consider yourself lucky that he didn't catch deadly disease). If he is the type of guy who is selfish enough to father a child and just leave him/her, why would you think he wouldn't do the same thing to your children one day? If it were me, I don't think I would have the heart to demand a father to stay out of his child's life. 

It is understandable that you don't want to put up with it. You have one option: divorce him and you never have to deal with her and the baby. 

But you want two things. You want to stay married, and you want him to stay out of the child and the child mother's life. I don't think you can have both. Even the other poster who was in the same predicament. Her husband finally chose to stay out of the OW's life because she told him it's not his baby. If DNA test proves it is his baby? They are back to square one again. 

It is really up to your husband, isn't it? If he is really sorry to you and want to fix his mistakes, he can be in this baby's life without hurting you further. He can go to visit her with you, as hard as it would be to swallow, it's much better than leaving you wondering what he is doing with her. If the OW really needs help and a lift to her doctor's appointment, she can choose to go by herself or accepts that she sits in the backseat with you sitting in the passenger's seat. It's really not that complicated. If she needs money for the baby and her doctor's appointment, your husband can tell her to contact you. If she really needs help, she will have no choice but to accept it. I have never said it would be easy...but I believe you would feel a lot better. Your husband can do the right thing as the father of this child, and at least he is being transparent with you. You can work together as a team to deal with this.

IMHO, your biggest problem is that he continues to keep you in the dark. He continues to make you feel insecure. You must really ask yourself whether he is the type of person you can trust your life with. If he doesn't understand how you feel when he goes to see her doing who-knows-what, you must really ask yourself whether you think he is really committed to you.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He has FOUR children with you, money is tight and now he has another child?

Sounds like an irresponsible loser of the highest. PLEASE, if you have family support, use it! 

If you stay, obviously your life will change and YOU will have to make a lot of sacrifices. Being a mother of four with a cheating husband, you are used to making sacrifices.

My neighbor down the street did the same thing to his wife 20 years ago and after all his "original" kids were grown, left his wife of 27 years for the OW. His wife was hurt but was glad to be rid of him and is now remarried to an old childhood friend.

Good luck to you and please remember whatever you do, this is not the child's fault. It is very much your husband and the OW's fault.

What a dou***bag!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Motherof4, it's ultimately up to you but realize, this is the worst of the worst. I personally would not stay be able to stay with him.

He's paying her rent, too? Oh my. Just no.


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## deadbeatfree (Sep 30, 2015)

My husband has fathered many children and yet I stayed with him. He is one of those stay-at-home-dads who chips off the income brought in by me then cheats when he can't have his way or is asked to stand up and be a man. Anyway this time I left because I wanted him to do his share and I started seeing someone casually and while he claimed he was so hurt and lost everything (because I was no longer there to take care of his financial obligations)he decided to go with another woman and knock her up. When he said he did not want to be with her I realized he was just running from his "obligation" to her cause she was on welfare, has a drinking problem and is looking for someone to latch onto. They really deserve eachother cause they are both POS. And I have filed for a divorce and told her she can be happy now since she "didn't know he was married" so I gave him to her! Unloaded and ready to have a real relationship after 21 years of hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ladies. Get your pride and anger back! Those two emotions are there for a reason and will do wonders for the rest of your life. Leave these dopes ASAP!!!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

You spent 21 years with a serial cheater, deadbeatfree? Good on you for getting out. He deserves the mess he's in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

deadbeatfree,

This is a 3 year old thread and the original poster is long gone.

if you would like input for your situation please start a thread of your own. If you want, you can PM me and I'll move your post here to your new thread.

but I'm locking this thread because it's a zombie.


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