# What Do I Do?



## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

*burnt out*

I am so burnt. My husband has a daughter that he adopted from the foster care system. She lives with us and my 2 boys full-time and has serious behavioral issues. She goes to school with me when I teach and is with me full-time until she goes to bed. He also has 2 other children (one who is autistic) that come over every other weekend. I have two boys of my own. This is my spring break....and she was going to go to respite care so I could have a breather. Well my husband changed his mind and now she is going to be with me. He has not made alternate arrangements. I feel like I am dying. He has crazy expectations for me-I do the laundry, cook, clean, get the kids ready for bed, do the yard work. I feel like a servant. When I put my foot down he becomes a scary person. He is controlling, manipulative, mean, and abusive (not physical). So everything that involves me trying to communicate has been communicated, but it just made things worse. I don't know what to do. He realizes how he hurts me then apologizes and I fall for it all over again. It's the classic cycle and I'm a smart girl and should know better. I used to give the kids chores but if it wasn't done right they would get yelled at. I don't know what to do/say anymore. I'm so tired. I am getting resentful of his daughter. It's not her fault she's not going to respite care, but now I'm throwing myself a pity party because I just wanted some time. Today he told me that he will be taking his other daughter to dance every monday night, so I only see him on Thursdays for our date night and on the weekends. I told him that I am not ok with this then he said I am acting weird and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I finally gave in and said "sure" but I am feeling so resentful right now. I feel like he is taking advantage of me. This is not the marriage I want. And I feel like an idiot because I know deep down that he doesn't love me or care about me. He told me a few weeks ago that we shouldn't have gotten married because of tax reasons. His kids are on my insurance policy from work...I honestly feel like he married me out of convenience and when I try and stick up for myself I get shot down.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

So I kind of know what I need to do, but I want to put it out there is case I am totally overreacting. 

I feel like every time I want to go do something with my friends, or family I am given a huge guilt trip by my husband and I never end up doing anything. I haven't spent time away by myself, or with my friends in over a year. My husband is all of the sudden sick, or frustrated that he has to watch his kids (he has 3 kids-2 with special needs). His kids and his needs always come first. For example: My step daughter doesn't have a mother. She calls me mom. She has therapy once a week that I take her to. My son had a baseball game on the same night. My husband told me that I shouldn't miss my son's first game, and when I agreed he got mad and said some pretty hurtful things. So I ended up missing my son's game and felt like a terrible mother. But these "events" are daily. I can't get into all of them because there isn't enough time in the world. I am emotionally burnt out. I have told him this. That I need time away from the kids...with just him. Then he says yes and agrees but then doesn't want to pay for a babysitter or plans change. My birthday was at the end of march and all I wanted to do was go away. 3 days before we were supposed to go away he canceled because his daughter was in a quick play as a flower. He promised to take me away, but hasn't yet. We have the money to do this. I told him that my girlfriends wanted to have me over for drinks and he said "fine, go ahead...I will stop planning then" and of course I said "oh no, sorry, I didn't know you were planning something" so I didn't go out, and my husband didn't have anything planned. He gave me a very sweet card with $2 in it. I don't know why he would do that. His daughter is with me 24/7. I don't have any time to myself and he asked if we can go away for memorial weekend. I said yes, but please let's get a babysitter. I teach kindergarten and need some time away from kids. He told me today that he didn't think going away was worth babysitting money. 

He is VERY controlling with money. I can't spend anything without telling him about it. He has a lot of money, and gets upset if I buy a coffee and complains that we aren't saving enough. I ended up opening my own secret account and have about $100 in there at a time so I can get coffee once a week, or go out to lunch and not get lectured. 

He treats me like I am a little kid. I feel stupid. I am a smart and educated woman, but I feel like I can't keep up. I am expected to do the laundry, clean, work full-time, watch his children, do the dishes and when something doesn't go "right" or his way he gets mad and throws a fit. He yells, throws things, slams doors, ignores me...on and on. He got mad at me today because his clothes smelled (I didn't put them in the dryer right away). He got in my face. I told him that I wasn't ok with him talking to me like that or treating me this way and he said it was in my head and he wasn't being mean, or wasn't mad at me, but that he was frustrated and I'm too sensitive. 

I'm tired, resentful, but ultimately scared that I cannot leave. I don't know why. Maybe I am afraid of feeling like a failure, or maybe I am just hopeful that things will get better and he will change and recognize that he is treating me so poorly. But things are just getting worse. 

I am at a point where if I do leave...it will have to be when he is at work and I need to be quick about it. I am fearful. So my question is. If we have a joint bank account...am I allowed to withdrawal money? And how much?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you have a joint bank account YES you are allowed to withdraw money. You can empty the entire account if you want to.

Your H sounds abusive, I'd make plans to get out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I concur. You can empty the account. Stop being controlled! Are you too afraid to let him know he is destroying the marriage?

I am an advocate for open communication but if you are scared then you need to escape.

Why are you scared ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: burnt out*

kristin2349 


I combined your two threads. It's best to have one thread going so that people can see the entire situation. You will get more input that way.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Katiemelanie said:


> I am a smart and educated woman


In that case, you have saved yourself by coming here on TAM. You will get advise by many experienced posters and they will help you come through this situation, be it with him or without him.

I would say try to steal some time here and there to get yourself together. Do not argue anymore with him, detach mentally to a safe place in yourself. Create also a physical place of your own somewhere, maybe a spot in a room or even a room outside the house. 

Use a daily breathing exercise and a meditation of 10 minutes each to gain rest and health. 

Zen Ademhaling (Round Timer)
The breathing has scientific proven results for better health.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Thank you for the replies. Would I be able to take the money out even if most of it was in there before we got married? I am not planning on draining the account. Just take enough to leave/start fresh. ALL of my money has been going into the account as well. I really want this marriage to work, but I am so depressed. I am not myself. I can't do ANYTHING without an argument that I am doing it the wrong way. I'm getting "scolded" if I do the dishes and it's not done correctly, and I'm getting "scolded" if I don't do the dishes. 

I DID sign up for the YMCA today...he was trying to say it cost too much and it was a terrible idea. But I needed a place to work out, put the kids in a nice childcare, so I could have that "me" time. He kept saying no until the lady giving the tour convinced him that it was worth it. Then it became his idea and he told me that I could do it for the summer then we would revisit it when school started. 

The kids are afraid of him. My son stays in his room all day long because he doesn't think that my husband likes him. And I'm not going to argue with that. I don't think that he does like him. He's sarcastic and rude. My son gets really good grades and is smart, and I almost think that my husband is jealous that his kids have so many problems (all medical/behavioral). 

I have asked to go to therapy and he has agreed, but I can almost guarantee when we have something scheduled he will say it's too expensive. 

He doesn't wear his wedding ring. I bought him one and it took me forever to pick it out and now it's too small even though he was fitted at the jewler. I told him we could go get it sized and he was complaining of the $40 resize fee.

I had intense tooth pain and went to the emergency dentist who told me I needed a root canal and a crown and all he texted was $$$$. 

I went on his computer to get pictures of his kids. I was planning on getting some cute ones put on canvas and he had these pictures of a naked ex girlfriend. He then got mad at me for snooping on his computer. 

I feel like I just can't get a break with him. The only time I feel loved by him or enjoy being with him is first thing in the morning when he holds me. After that he gets so angry all the time. I feel like he needs medication. He's angry at the kids, me, everyone. God forbid someone cuts him off while he is driving. He's scaring everyone. I have started leaving the house with the kids if things gets too escalated. His exwife ended up asking me about this because her daughter told her that he has been screaming at me. She told me that she should have warned me but wasn't sure what to say. She was hopeful that he changed. She said that he was never physically abusive, but very very emotionally abusive and cheated on her with women that he met online.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*The kids are afraid of him.*

Katie, this right here is reason enough to divorce.

Please do it for them, if not for yourself.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Legally you can withdraw as much as you like from the account now that you are on it. 

He is very controlling. Do what you need to to get out safely.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your not yourself because your brain has been altered. Going through the high and lows, you're off-kilter. Pretty much, your brain is rewiring itself differently with your husband's influence, and not in the positive.

Finding the strength to leave is the hardest part. Guilt and shame that your in this situation, and you allowed yourself to be treated this way for a long time. Not like it is instantaneous abuse. It tends to be gradual, and before you know it, you're in the cycle. Those emotions will help you stay trap, your a victim and there is no shame in that.

Hmm, guessing here, but can you look up the traits of narcissist personality disorder, Just curious.

Yes, it is good to have a plan. You also need to have a support group as well. Organizations,friends, and family. People to act like a buffer, helping you stay on the path you started, moral and mental support.

Being strong is admitting that we need help as well.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

*The kids are afraid of him. My son stays in his room all day long because he doesn't think that my husband likes him. And I'm not going to argue with that. I don't think that he does like him. He's sarcastic and rude.*

The rest and this especially mean you have to choose for the kid. Exit plan needed. Forget the marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Katie,


Do you have family near by you can stay with?

Does he own a gun? Has he ever been violent?

Do you have a job? Can you support yourself?





Katiemelanie said:


> Thank you for the replies. Would I be able to take the money out even if most of it was in there before we got married? I am not planning on draining the account. Just take enough to leave/start fresh. ALL of my money has been going into the account as well. I really want this marriage to work, but I am so depressed. I am not myself. I can't do ANYTHING without an argument that I am doing it the wrong way. I'm getting "scolded" if I do the dishes and it's not done correctly, and I'm getting "scolded" if I don't do the dishes.
> 
> I DID sign up for the YMCA today...he was trying to say it cost too much and it was a terrible idea. But I needed a place to work out, put the kids in a nice childcare, so I could have that "me" time. He kept saying no until the lady giving the tour convinced him that it was worth it. Then it became his idea and he told me that I could do it for the summer then we would revisit it when school started.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiemelanie,

Since you are on the account and you two have mingles martial income with the separate money that existed before marriage, it's all now a martial asset.

Start by opening a bank account in your name only. Have your pay direct deposited to your account. 

I think that you need to find a way to leave him without giving him any advanced notice. Even if you have to leave while he is not at home.

You need an exit plan... 

Get in touch with a local organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. You can get counseling there and other help to include they can help you find a lawyer, a place to live, etc.

You can find a local organization by calling the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:


* Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling. 

* Also check into legal aid in your area.

* Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

* Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 

* Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

*** your mail from the ‘safe address’

*** All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

*** Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

*** Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 

*** Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 

*** Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 

*** Titles, deeds and other property information 

*** Medical records

*** Children's school and immunization records

*** Insurance information

*** Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 

*** Welfare identification

*** Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

* Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 

* Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

* If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 

* Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 

* Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 

* You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 

* Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. 

* If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 

* Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 

* Hide an extra set of car keys. 

* Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 

* Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 

* Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 

* Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 

* Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 

* Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. 

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 


* Change your locks and phone number. 

* Change your work hours and route taken to work. 

* Change the route taken to transport children to school. 

* Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 

* Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 

* Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 

* Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

* If you leave: 

* Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 

* Change your work hours, if possible. 

* Alert school authorities of the situation. 

* Consider changing your children's schools. 

* Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 

* Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 

* Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 

* Talk to trusted people about the violence. 

* Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 

* Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 

* Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 

* Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have another concern. His adopted daughter. How on earth was this guy able to adopt a child?

She has no one but him if you leave. 

Please do get in touch with the domestic abuse organization. And please tell them that she needs intervention. Poor child.

You might need to get some recordings of his ugly outbursts to show what he's doing to his own children and this little girl. You can do that by getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on you (where he cannot see it) so that it records him.

I wonder if maybe he should not even have his children except under supervised visitation. I'll bet his ex would love a copy of a recording like that. You could help his kids and that little girl get away from him as much as possible on your way out.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Katie,
> 
> 
> Do you have family near by you can stay with?
> ...




Wow...thank you all for your support and comments. Yes, he does own a gun. He has not been violent, but so angry that he rages and he is very quick to get angry. I have a full-time job. I did open my own account, but it is really hard to put money in there because he would notice if a portion of my paycheck (even $100) wasn't put in the joint account. Not really sure what to do there.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Leave. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They deserve to feel safe and loved in their own home. They'll never have that with him. If you don't leave, they'll grow up and realise you had the choice to make your lives better, and you didn't even try. His ex-wife left him, so can you.


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