# Divorce Observation #4 - Unbelievable pain



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

_We are starting on our third month of the divorce process. There are many things that go through my mind while doing this. Lately, it has been the hurt I have been going through and will feel when this is over. 

Sorry for the long rant. Its been a tough weekend._


The pain that comes in a divorce is real. It comes from many sources. Primary for me is the thought of being without my children. Regardless of whether this was happening, I would have been without them more this coming year than others as my job is changing and I will be traveling more. However, with divorce looming, soon I will not be coming to the family home when I am back in town. It will be to an empty apartment. I won't be making breakfasts, taking them to school or picking them up. Seeing them at the bus stop. Giving them their baths on the weekends. Dancing in the living room. Helping with homework. Hearing of their day and what they learned. Reading them bedtime stories. Playing catch or baseball or riding bikes in the neighborhood. Working in the garden, picking tomatoes and eating them in the backyard. Splashing in the sprinkler or splash pool. Raking leaves and jumping in the pile. Someone else will be doing those, and a thousand more little things that make the joy of being a parent. This is the most unbearable pain. Even though I will never be replaced as a Dad, I won't be able to do the things that a Dad does with his children. Not as much as someone should do to be complete.

It comes from being told you were never good enough. Being told that she never loved you. For nine years, she never loved you. You were a jerk, you were an idiot, were never there for her, never got the right gifts, never had the sexual chemistry, never said the right things. At first you just ignore these. Then you become numb to them. Finally you start to believe them. When you start believing these, the spiral really starts. You question everything you do. You question who you are. You question your upbringing. Am I really as bad as she says? If I loved her enough to commit my life to her, and I thought I did that to the best of my ability, maybe I just don’t' know how to love? Maybe I just can't love? Maybe I can never love...

It comes from being committed to your family and your job to provide for that family, so that the outside things that you used to do have fallen away. Hobbies you have stepped away from. Friends you have lost touch with. Fun things that you used to do for yourself. All gone. At least you have not done them for so long that you don't even know where to start to do them again. Even something as simple as music is difficult if you have not listened to it in a while. Myself, for the last few years, I've listened to a variety of podcasts on things I enjoy, as in my area there just is not a great selection of radio. Now, for some reason, I have started to listen to music again. Man, am I out of touch! Where do I start! Not that I need to be with the In crowd, but at least I could know what to listen to.

It comes from seeing the one that you committed to starting a life over again. Seeing the happiness that you once shared in her smile for someone else. It comes from hearing them talking on the phone. It comes from resenting her going to things and knowing she is going with him. Even though I could care less what happens with their relationship, you still think about what might have been. What should have been. What was supposed to be. Seeing how things have developed and how stress has come to her, and how she has reacted to it, I really think it won't be as rosy as she makes it out to be. But who knows. I care, but I don't care. I just want to be away from it. I don't want to see it. Seeing that makes me question whether that is out there for me. Will I find someone to give me that happiness? Can I have that kind of happiness? Maybe I was never supposed to and this past nine years is wrong like she has said.

It comes from knowing what is happening to your family. A tearing up of a man, a woman and their children. Not only is this wrong in a biblical sense, but it is wrong for the family itself. Research abounds on the effects of a divorce and the families ability to support itself financially and emotionally, on the kids learning ability, on the mental state of all involved. The stressors on everyone are unbelievable - the kids see things and hear things they should not. There is extra running. Extra expenses. The household itself is not happy. Yeah, there are happy times, mostly revolving around something the children do, but the weight of a divorce sits heavy on the structure of a home. Honestly, it is not a home anymore. It is a house with people living in it. A home is made of a loving family that cherishes and supports each other. I don't live in that now. I live in a house. That house is being shaken at its core. The foundation of that house is cracking, never to be solid again. These cracks will shift and move for decades to come, for everyone - me, my soon to be ex wife, both of my little girls, and even for whom ever lives there, she or I, depending on how this divorce comes about.

Everyone has told me that the pain is real. It is becoming plainly clear that they are right. I am sure as things move on, things will be easier. I will adapt, change, and move on. My wife, or whatever she is called right now, will do the same. So will our children. But the family has been hurt beyond belief. And many scars will be left behind.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So glad you came back...

It's like a death and you're grieving. The toughtest part is that you get your kids part time. You will establish your lives with your children in different ways. The fact that you want to means you WILL. They girls are lucky to have you and you are lucky to have them. You will always be there dad...no matter what. 

This all sucks. No way around it. You are hurting. I hope that you gain some peace along the way. I will say a prayer for you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Why does this happen?
It is pain like you have never known it....
and it is inconvenience and details
it is a shift from shared parenting to 'negotiated' parenting
it is lonely and heartbreaking 
kids grow up quickly
learn stuff you thought you'd never have to teach them
become part of a new social group ...
splitting things apart is breaking them - dividing them -
I am with you in your pain and your sadness


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

CW: Thanks. I had not gone away, I just have been using this site for chatting, almost IM . Between that and just busy life in 2009, I have just not posted much recently. I do read posts and it is still as gut wrenching to read as always. Thanks for the comments. It does help to get things out.

knortoh: Why? Boy, I wish I could answer that. I wish I could have gone back in time 5 maybe 7 or 9 years ago to answer that. You know, that negotiation is what I am dreading. I just hate and object to the children being treated like a commodity. Although I want to get things over quickly for the sanity of the two of us, I want to drag my heals for the two girls. I hate thinking of my only possession of them being a computer full of pictures to look at and cell phone calls.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

They will accept it easier than you will.
Sad but true.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

That is sad. I am going through a painful divorce myself and the pain is overwhelming. I still love her but at the same time have to fight her for child custody and other things where she is trying to be unfair.

You will heal. Time heals. But there is something I would consider if i were you. You say you have a job that requires long term traveling. That means probably she will get full custody.

But i would look for a job in the city and fught for shared custody. Here where I live, I am offering my wife 60/40 custody. it is still called shared. If ut was 61/39 then she has full custody.

Job is important but who guarantees you will not lose that job? And once she spends time with children alone, status quo is likely to apply. I am not saying that I would quit the job and start looking for a new one. I would look for a job in the city while still holding onto my old jobfor the reason to spend more time with my children and get shared custody.

But you know your situation best.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No. 1,

I feel your pain regarding the children. That is what hurts the most, missing those little things. I am with you in that pain right now. I'm a mess at times over it. I pray for us both.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The fact that you care so much and are grieving over the loss of time with your girls...says alot. 

It's a special relationship that you have...hopefully your wife and you will come to terms easily. When you are in town..you can have the girls,etc. So difficult.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I wish my H felt like you about family. Although he loves our children alot he still walked out. They are only little once, why can't people stop being selfish and put these little helpless angels first. UGH! I feel your pain and it is raw and right down to the core of our existence.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Harris: I understand what you are saying. I would love to find a job closer by. However, I live in mid-Michigan. My background for 20 years is automotive Manufacturing Engineering. Not the best field to be in when living in Michigan right now... 

Feelingalone: Yeah, I can't even list the little things that I will miss. Like today, my 4 yr old was playing with me while I was getting my email. She wanted to talk about stuff. nothing in general, and, quite honestly, I could not even understand half of what she said. But, I LOVE being right there, in front of them, in their face to see the expressions in their eyes, and how they hold their hands, how they grab things, and be able to feel their emotion for what they are talking about. No matter how simple. An hour later, I have no idea what we did, but I know we did it together and that is what matters to me. Or one morning, she came prancing downstairs, singing softly, came over to me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and went prancing away singing again. I was just bearly awake, but I heard her voice and I popped my eyes open to see her. I love stuff like taht.

CW: Yeas, I hope things move along speedily too. I just want this over, for my sanity. I'll take the heat. I work in manufacturing, I take it all day long at work, so a few hours at home is no big deal. Its when the stress she is feeling is taken out on the kids that really bothers me. I know she loves them and does not want to hurt them, but I have seen and heard too many things that a 4 and 7 year old should not hear. Not abuse, mind you, but anger and frustration coming out as a short fuse. I am keeping an eye on it and have had a few conversations with the 7 yr old in terms of what goes on when I am not there. 

Believe: sorry for your situation. We must be in a mirror situation. Yes, they are only llittle once and there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could bottle that littleness. We do take LOTS of photos (well, mostly me, I took over 400 at each birthday this year!) so events are well captured, but just having the photos is not the same as being there and being able to share these little events.

This weekend she is going to a wedding with OM, and the kids are going to Grandmas. She says she is going back to her moms after the wedding, but do I believe her? NO! Going to Grandmas is not a problem, as I spent many a weekend with my grandparents and had a great time. I really don't care what she does, but I hate the lies. My bigger problem is that I need to find someting for me to do, somewhere for me to go, now that my weekend is free...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Whatever you do don't be alone -
seek out the company of someone who accepts and loves you and knows what you are going through - you won't feel like dancing but you _should_ be with someone who can just sit with you if need by...
don't be ashamed of feeling needy - my first few weekends /nights without boys were KILLERS - really...
but I have gradually come to handle things a little better and can even be by myself... without screaming abuse at my absent husband and throwing his stuff around the house!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Reading about everyones situation makes me so sad. I am an emotional wreck already so it doesn't help. I am 100%positive that my wife is going to file for divorce(she is waiting until I am done working an extra job in a couple weeks to help pay off bills). She has mentioned that she is going to try for sole custody and it kills me to think of what this is going to do to my little girls...I will not stand for it and will fight with everything I have for shared at the least. It's truly sad all the people that are going through this same situation....I had no idea how common this was until I stumbled upon this forum a few weeks ago. All I can think about is Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the future times that we should be together as a family but will not be. Sometimes life is just too much to handle.......


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