# Husband says I'm over reacting......



## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

Hi everyone, first post so bare with me. 
My husband told me in Nov he was done. His reasons were that he is tired of me nagging, complaining and about one mistake I made in the past 2014. 
At this point I thought we were just having the usual marital issues and felt very blindsided. We have a 2.5 year old daughter. 
Dec he left our master bedroom to the guest bedroom. We started couples therapy and he kept saying he felt the marriage was over, nothing to do to fix it. I was devastated, lost a lot of weight and I was desperate trying to hold on to our marriage. 
In Jan I found out he was texting our coworker (we work together  ). 5k-6k messages a month between them. Since mid Oct. I confronted him and he said he would take care of it. I trusted him and believe him. I kept checking the phone records and he "completely" stopped. The relationship was still deteriorating. Therapy was making things worse. He kept blaming me for our issues. I decided to go out of town for 4 days so we could have some time apart. While away our daughter wanted to FaceTime, he kept rushing us saying he was going to watch a movie and his phone was dying. It made me wonder and I logged in to out Wi-Fi camera he apparently forgot we had. Well, I was listening in and come to find out the women was at my house with my husband. I recorded the whole thing and when she was gone I called my husband. He denied it. He said it was the tv. He had been talking to her via messenger and Snapchat. 
After that we talked and he swore he would change and that he needed to end things his way and he needed closure. 
He confessed about kissing her and the emotional part nothing physical. 
Things got worse and he got to the point of trying to kick me out. He has a friend moving to town with his family, and he told his friend. The sooner you move here the quicker I can quick her out (he said that he said that out of anger). 
I would do phone checks and got his passwords to everything. He was super upset and said he didn't have privacy. My answer to that was you are married there is no privacy with social media. 
I was so depressed and felt lonely. I would be paranoid when he was on his phone or computer thinking, who is he talking to what is he doing. Things for me got bad. I felt anxious at home and work since we all work together. 
I finally decided to leave him and filed for divorce. He says he wants to work on our relationship but he still is having people moving to the house and he doesn't see what's wrong with that. 

Past history, he told me his friends were his number one, not even our daughter was mentioned. He doesn't treat me like his wife and never includes me in his plans. He says he does want me back but isn't doing anything to fix it. 

We have continued having sex because that has always been good in our relationship. Now he said we need to stop. 

I'm confused if I should give him a chance or not. He is a manipulative person, blames me for his affair. Has never really apologized. Still talks to the OW, his friend is moving in to my house with his wife and 2 kids and 2 dogs. While my daughter and I are in a 2 bedroom apartment. 

Is it just me,but this all seems wrong to me. I told him, his #1 priority are his friends. He acts like a kid and wants everything his way. 

Sorry if I'm all over the place. Just very confused and hurt. I have even started to hate my SO and his friends. Thank You!

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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What was the mistake you made in 2014 and how justified is your "nagging and complaining"?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

What chance? He is continuing to lie and trickle truth you. He is blaming his affair on you and when you caught him the first time he just went underground with it. He has no intentions of stopping this behavior, he has not shown any willingness to repair the marriage. Sounds like your getting lip service in regards to working things out from him as he probably realizes the divorce is going to financially hit him.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> What was the mistake you made in 2014 and how justified is your "nagging and complaining"?


Wow,

Yup. We need to know what the "MISTAKE" was. If that "mistake had something to do with another man, and you are just classifying it as a mistake there you have to core of your problem.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

We were at a party in 2014, I was in charge of organizing it. After it was over I hung out to pick up stuff and he headed on home. I told him I would get a ride with our friend. Everyone started talking about going to the bar and continue drinking. So instead of going home I went with everyone else. After the bar everyone wanted to continue and we went to a house that 4 different people lived at. One of the individuals has a reputation of having sex with women. So my SO thinks something happened with him because I was at that house. When nothing did. I understand that I did wrong by not inviting him etc but he doesn't look past that. I have not gone out nor been drinking since I was pregnant. I am not a "party " person, one time mistake. 

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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> What was the mistake you made in 2014 and how justified is your "nagging and complaining"?


I explained my mistake in a comment below. 
As far as for nagging and complaining, I just ask him to do stuff with me, like movies, dinner, hobbies etc and he doesn't want to. He is a video gamer guy and I've tried things he likes but he doesn't bother to do other things with me. He also was not very active with our daughter until I left and filed for divorce. 

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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

honcho said:


> What chance? He is continuing to lie and trickle truth you. He is blaming his affair on you and when you caught him the first time he just went underground with it. He has no intentions of stopping this behavior, he has not shown any willingness to repair the marriage. Sounds like your getting lip service in regards to working things out from him as he probably realizes the divorce is going to financially hit him.


Yes, because he didn't want to use lawyers just a mediator. He also has told me he doesn't want to pay me child support. He wants to fight me for 50/50 just so I don't get anything. I understand my daughter needs her Dad, but he is going about it for the wrong reasons. 

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He has no love for anyone but himself. You and your daughter are just a load he must carry to him, and he wants free of it.

He's been using you for sex, doesn't want you to get a lawyer because he will likely lose big.
Don't allow him to screw you over.

He wants custody ONLY to save money, as he said. If he wanted time with her, she'd be with him now. I'll bet he hardly speaks to her.

Try to detach. It's hard to turn off feelings, but you would be wise to divorce as quickly as possible and move on. Get a lawyer. Don't make excuses. Get one.
Sorry your husband is a selfish jerk.

Btw, you said your daughter needs her dad. Yeah, but not a dad like him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Go get a lawyer and quit hoping for him to change. Whatever did or didn't happen in 2014 pushed him over the edge over whatever pretend or real problems in your marriage at that time. His affair, regardless of 2014, is not your fault and don't accept any blame for his terrible behavior. Yes, if it upsets his friend and the family, he should have worked it out instead of stringing you along. Also, he thinks you are dumb. He'd have to fight you for more than 50/50 depending on the state and it would be HARD for him as courts still favor women in custody battles. He WILL, unless you make more, have to pay child support REGARDLESS of what he wants. Yes, even if it is 50/50, the primary parent can still receive child support it will just be lower than a different split. Alimony may enter REGARDLESS of what he wants. The house may become divisible as well. Mediation saves money if you are willing to work together. Still, I'd go contact a lawyer because it sounds like mediation is only to save him money to spend on whoever he decides to screw next.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant work out why you are not living in you own home with your child? 

Please get legal advice and make sure that you get child support and whatever else you are entitled to. He is a cheater and not a nice man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who owns the house? Do both of you own it? Do you want to live in the house with your daughter after the divorce is final? Can you afford it on your own with some child support?

Where are you living right now?

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

How old is your daughter?

I agree with others. This guy does not want a marriage with you. He's been stringing you along for sex. He's only telling you that he wants to get back together so that you are more cooperative for the divorce. And of course for a bit of sex.

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Mediation only works if the two of you can work together to come to an agreement. IT sounds like you have been allowing him to push you around emotionally and with things related to the divorce.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

The house is under both of us. I can afford it on my own even if I don't count on child support. 

The reason I moved was because he wasn't leaving, he made it clear. The situation was toxic and he started drinking etc. I was not comfortable and it felt like I was walking on eggshells. I wasn't getting any sleep because he would come in my room and start an argument and getting me all worried or frustrated. 

I have a lawyer (I'm in SC) and she said for me to move out. I won't lose the house just because I left, but honestly I don't want it. When we both it he didn't care about what I wanted. I did not want that house. So, I told my lawyer to make him sell it. 

I am currently in a 2 bedroom apartment in a good area. 

I currently make less than he does, but I will be getting a pay raise in a month or so. Our court date is June 21st. 

My daughter is 2 years 5 months. 

I do agree he is playing with me so the divorce goes smoothly. I filed under adultery even though I don't have enough evidence but my lawyer said it will help me out in the long run. 

I admit I did everything he wanted me to I didn't bother him much. His affair was because he said I wasn't there emotionally for him and I'm a hard person to talk to etc. He also told me when I found out about the affair that he is better off single. He is a person that shouldn't be married and now he says he wants "us". 

I know I need to be strong and not believe nor follow him in his game. So hard though.....

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do his actions tell you?

Always watch what they do, not what they say.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Watch his actions, don't listen to his words. His actions show he is not willing to do the work to fix things. You can't control him and what he wants to do so 180 him and detatch emotionally. Work on yourself and stay strong.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> What do his actions tell you?
> 
> Always watch what they do, not what they say.


Well, one of the "requirements" for us to work things out was for him to stop all contact with the OW. He still talks to her, our supervisor had to have a talk with him about him staying away from her. 

I moved out a month ago and we have been seeing each other almost everyday. He uses our daughter as the excuse. 

When I pick her up from the house he has good ready and invites me for lunch/dinner. We have also been going to zoo's, aquariums, activities with our daughter as he calls it "family time". 

His friend and family are moving in this weekend and they are all posting how happy they are to be moving here. The guy is the one who told my SO to divorce me and get a good lawyer and take my daughter away from me. My husband even offered them the master bedroom. 



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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad that you have a lawyer. Like she says, you can force the sale of the house. Or he has to buy you out.

Just stop with the family time stuff. That's not the reality of divorce. Has your lawyer set any kind of a time-sharing schedule with your ex? When I divorced my son's father, my lawyer included a temporary time-sharing and custody order. It said which days and times we each had our son. It also stipulated child support.

You should be able to get interim child support while the divorce is in progress. Then after the divorce is final, you would get permanent child support. 


I don't know what the chances are for any kind of spouse support (alimony). But is you can get any, you should be getting temp support while the divorce is in progress. I doubt that you can get any after the divorce since it sounds like you make close to what he makes and you have not been married very long (not 10 or more years).

Stop seeing him every day. Stop the family time. Stop going over to where he is living now. And stop letting him in your place too.

When I got my divorce, I had the lawyer stipulate that my ex was not allowed to come into my house. (He was harassing me.) He was to pulls up the house and let our son walk to the door on his own. when he picked up our son, I would stand at the door and watch our son walk to his father's car. Boy did that save my sanity.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You did what every almost every betrayed does, you keep moving your line in the sand. Many people who want to reconcile ignore what their spouses do. You have to watch their actions. No, this isn't a "they must be perfect, never reconcile" rant. It is me telling you took look at your line, see your culpability in the current situation and say "No, I'm doing what's best for me and then my child." 


He put his kid on the proverbial street.
He kept in contact with OW.
He kept blaming you.
He started drinking to make the place toxic.
He suggested mediation instead of divorce, which benefits him and his affair partner.
He's making demands about what he wants and doesn't want.

Nothing he is doing shows work and stumbles, which will happen in legit reconciliation attempts. 

So what if he goes to dinner, lunch, the zoo, aquarium and it is almost like a family. 

Who does he go home to?
Who does he sleep with at night?
Who uses YOUR house?
Who sleeps in YOUR bed?
Who uses all of your appliances?

We both know it isn't you, unless he wants to get an amicable mediation settlement. Just so you understand, it is much easier to fight you when he says "Look at all I do for my wife and child, give me 50% and primary custody." No, it won't be easy for him as a man, but judges do take receipts, time spent and one spouse LEAVING into account.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

I have been dumb and thought us having family time would help with reconciliation. But all of you are correct, he is using it as ammo for the divorce case. 

My lawyer and his lawyer are hashing things out and seeing if we can come to an agreement before our temporary hearing in June. I told her not to back down and push for what I'm requesting. 

He wants our daughter for 3 nights and I have her 4 nights. I said no, I want full custody and he can get visitation rights every other weekend etc. I don't know if I will get that but that's what I think it's best for my 2 year old. 

I haven't received any help froom him. I have been paying our babysitter plus all the added expenses of me moving out. 

I started off meeting him at the corner gas station or somewhere else and he was the one who stopped it. I need to do it again. 

Right now he gets her Sunday, Monday and I pick her up Tuesday at noon. My lawyer suggested I do that for now because of my work schedule. 
@phillybeffandswiss

I have been letting him push me around still and he has been getting away with stuff. 

He doesn't know I filed under adultery. Which, he filed for divorce too "because it looks bad on him if he doesn't". 

I have some affidavits since our daughter was born showing that he was not there for her. 
He keeps making request and I just hope that the judge realizes that he has been playing a game all along to benefit himself not his daughter nor I. 

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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

The husband feign excuses to heap blame on you for his filthy characters, don't fall in his trap. He has feelings for you nor daughter, he's crafting his way to evade paying heavily for his not keeping his zip intact in presence of other women. Seek a lawyer and go for full legal benefits, there is nothing salvageable in this marriage.

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Good, but quit doing the nice family stuff because it only allows him to remain pushy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Wowqueen said:


> I explained my mistake in a comment below.
> As far as for nagging and complaining, I just ask him to do stuff with me, like movies, dinner, hobbies etc and he doesn't want to. He is a video gamer guy and I've tried things he likes but he doesn't bother to do other things with me. He also was not very active with our daughter until I left and filed for divorce.


Thanks for answering my question. Sounds like your "nagging and complaining" is more than justified (notwithstanding the cheating). My next question is why would you even entertain the idea of staying with this sloth? Plenty of other men would do better by you and besides, we all have the same plumbing. One of my favorite students was married to a lazy, neglectful, video gamer. She finally divorced him, met and married another guy that was not substandard in his treatment of wife and family. First time I've seen her smile in years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Reconciling with him won't work so there's no point of family time.


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## AlastairfromSupernatural (May 20, 2017)

Divorce him, he doesn't deserve you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Don't go into the house, don't eat with him, don't have outings with him.Tell him that from now on you will drop your child off at the door and her from the door. Shortly you will not be a family.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Not sure about SC property law but its reasonable that unless you, as a joint owner of the property, agrees that they can move in, they can't move in. You need you lawyer to file an injunction to keep them out. If they do move in, you likely have a right to reasonable rent. I've never heard of a law that gives carte blanche discretion to a co-owner of property that allows a third party to enjoy the benefits of said property without agreement of the other owners and reasonable compensation. Additionally, when he tells you he want to work things out, he's doing it for his benefit, not yours, and is likely a ruse to sway you into a "compromise" favorable to him. I wouldn't tell him sh-t but if you do, tell him any "working out" will be done after the divorce is final and complete.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

I also forgot to mention that he wanted me to sign a post-prenup so I wouldn't take anything away from him. I believe he wants the divorce just for the simple fact that he doesn't like someone having control of his stuff. It's just infuriating to think that that's all he worries about, money money money.......

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Wowqueen said:


> I also forgot to mention that he wanted me to sign a post-prenup so I wouldn't take anything away from him. I believe he wants the divorce just for the simple fact that he doesn't like someone having control of his stuff. It's just infuriating to think that that's all he worries about, money money money.......
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


Please get legal advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wowqueen said:


> I also forgot to mention that he wanted me to sign a post-prenup so I wouldn't take anything away from him. I believe he wants the divorce just for the simple fact that he doesn't like someone having control of his stuff. It's just infuriating to think that that's all he worries about, money money money.......


Does he have more "stuff" than you do? Since the two of you make close to the same amount, what is his concern about "stuff" and money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wowqueen said:


> I also forgot to mention that he wanted me to sign a post-prenup so I wouldn't take anything away from him. I believe he wants the divorce just for the simple fact that he doesn't like someone having control of his stuff. It's just infuriating to think that that's all he worries about, money money money.......


The post nup is a big detail. Clearly this supposed attempt at reconciliation is an attempt to put things in his favor with the divorce. What does he consider to be his 'stuff' that he does not want you to 'control' or have access to?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I second EleGirl. Additionally, what makes him think your stupid enough to enter into such an agreement? You need to tell this cat to go p-ss up a rope.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

We just had a discussion and he now says that I don't treat him like a human and that I belittle him etc. 
I just let him know how I feel and sometimes that's me raging and trying to make him understand my point of view (dumb mistake). 
He said he is tired of being threatened about having his child taken away. He is tired of being told he is an a**hole and selfish and he says that's far from the case. 

His excuse for the post nup is because he us scared how much I can take away from him. He has more money than I do because everything for the house was purchased by me. 
Yes, we have separate accounts, he never wanted to join them together. 
That's another argument, I bought everything for our daughter and now he says he is trying to be the best dad that he can be. 

I'm just overwhelmed and feel like it's all lies. 

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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)




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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wowqueen said:


> I also forgot to mention that he wanted me to sign a post-prenup so I wouldn't take anything away from him. I believe he wants the divorce just for the simple fact that he doesn't like someone having control of his stuff. It's just infuriating to think that that's all he worries about, money money money.......
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


Yep, we all knew he was playing you. A post-nup. You realize those are usually suggested for the cheater to sign, by the aggrieved spouse? This is the first I've read of a cheater asking a betrayed spouse to sign one. Trust me I've heard and read many outlandish request, by cheaters, but this is a new low for me.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Wowqueen said:


> We just had a discussion and he now says that I don't treat him like a human and that I belittle him etc.
> I just let him know how I feel and sometimes that's me raging and trying to make him understand my point of view (dumb mistake).
> He said he is tired of being threatened about having his child taken away. He is tired of being told he is an a**hole and selfish and he says that's far from the case.
> 
> ...


It's all just a game of deflection for him. At this point you need quit engaging him and let your lawyer do the talking from now on.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

No, you're not overreacting. Your husband sounds horribly abusive- starting arguments with you at night, making you walk on eggshells, having an affair right under your nose, making friends his top priority, drinking...

I'd document as much as you can to get full custody of your child. I'd also find someone to handle all communication with him on your behalf and go completely dark (no contact on him so you can begin to heal. Your IM is to only forward you childcare and financial logistics questions from him, nothing else, and respond on your behalf. If you are required to allow him to see our child, meet in a public drop-off point and stay in your car, refusing all communication with him. 

If you decide you want to recover the marriage (though I'd strongly advise against it), have your IM send him a list of requirements for being married to you, including ending all contact with the OW and changing numbers to prevent any further contact.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Don't sign.

Let your attorney do all negotiations.

Please, protect yourself. You need to be there for yourself and your child.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I'm a guy... but your husband is nothing but a pure jerk. (I'd use harsher words, actually)
Cut him off.

What is he, 45? Having a mid-life crisis or something? Doesn't matter. He's toxic, his friends are toxic. Moving into your old home and talking crap about you? It stinks like a sewer.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

He clearly wants her to sign the deal and then divorce. She should hire an attorney and file for divorce, the dude deserves it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wowqueen said:


> We just had a discussion and he now says that I don't treat him like a human and that I belittle him etc.
> I just let him know how I feel and sometimes that's me raging and trying to make him understand my point of view (dumb mistake).
> He said he is tired of being threatened about having his child taken away. He is tired of being told he is an a**hole and selfish and he says that's far from the case.
> 
> ...


This is what cheaters do. They twist the truth to turn you into the bad guy. They do not acknowledge their own contribution to the failure of the marriage.

For example, why would you need to yell to get him to listen to your point of view? He should have listened to your point of view with respect and acknowledged it. A spouse should never feel so unheard and unimportant that the only way to get heard it to do it loudly.

I am sure that both of you contributed some to the problems in your marriage. But he is the one who chose to cheat. He is the one who told you to move and who has his new girlfriend in your home. He is the one who destroyed your marriage. He, like most cheaters, will not take responsibility for his own actions.


If you must yell to be heard, you should not be in the relationship. He does not care what you think or feel. That’s the bottom line.

You need to do the 180 (see link in my signature block below). You need to stop talking to him. For some reason, you have a problem setting your own boundaries and standing up for yourself in an effective manner. So, stop talking to him. He twists you all around when you talk to him. 

I suggest that you get on Amazon.com (or some book store) and find a book or two about setting boundaries. And learn how to do this in your life so that you prevent people like him from walking all over you.


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## Wowqueen (May 20, 2017)

We had an argument last night. His friend and family are here and he has turned into this big a**. 
He has our daughter, Sunday Monday and I pick her up Tuesday at 12 (we don't have court orders) and now he is not letting me go pick her up. 
He says he is exercising his rights as an equal parent. 
My lawyer said it's hard getting full custody in SC especially because of my work schedule. 

The only thing I can say is he is lucky he sees her every week and not like everyone else every other week etc. 

Any good advice of how to prevent him getting her 50/50? 

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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

"Any good advice of how to prevent him getting her 50/50? "

Unless you can show cause why he shouldn't have 50/50, its going to be next to impossible. I know of no law that give one parent more rights to custody over the other when all things are equal. Your going to have to show, at least, its more beneficial to the child to be in your care. What would you tell the judge if he/she ask, "why should I prevent the father from having joint custody?"


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