# Needing some advice



## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

How do you live in the same house with a man with no affection? This has been going on for quite a while now (at least 9 months). I just don't know where to turn. I really do love him still and all I want him to do is put his arms around me and hold me....but that is the furthest thing from his mind. He is very, very stubborn and with all the fights in the past I can understand what went wrong, but at least I am trying to work on it. I started doing things for him that I quit doing a while back to try to make things better, but that hasn't even seemed to help. Has anyone else had to deal with this situation and how did you get through it? I cry all the time and I just can't take anymore heartache. I cry myself to sleep every night almost. Please someone....anyone...give me some suggestions on how to deal with this. It really makes me just want to go hook up with someone just for the physical contact. I know that sounds bad, but I just need a hug.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Have you tried a marriage counselor? It sounds like he is harboring resentment over past issues.


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Yes we are in counseling right now, but it does not seem to be doing much good. I just feel like walking away sometimes. I am just so tired of it all, and really cannot take much more.


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## Glacialiceland (Nov 14, 2010)

What was his upbringing like? Did he come from an affectionate home? This is important to take into consideration as you can not expect something from someone that was never taught to be affectionate. You mentioned you fought a lot and dont understand where you went wrong? Re-read your post at times it can be insightful. What were your fights like/about? Did you insult him or his family? When a man feels insulted or bilttled or low blowed, they shut down emotionally and worse sexually, sexually more depending on the level of verbal abuse if any. You mention you cry alot, do you cry during arguments and discussions too? This may be a tough one but if its yes and it has been happening for a long time, tears at times can be a form of controlling......I guess what I am trying to say that its a quick win for the crier because the other party is quick to feel guilty and of this happens alot then they might not care about your tears anymore and then resentment settles in because tey can never talk about what they feel without feeling guilty. The fact that you feel alone and need affection is normal, but do you think you might be thinking of cheating to maybe see him react and see come emotion from him? If its at all possible really bad idea, as you can turn something that has to do with communication with betrayal and loss of trust and then things are really over. A counsel or therapist would be good as they can help you to see where and when things went bad and eventually he may agree to go with you so you can talk/fight fare. XX


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

heavenleigh said:


> I just need some ideas on how to cope. I really have no friends and just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading if any of this made sense.


You need an outlet. Having a social life is really important. If you stay home all day the problems in your marriage are constantly with you. your H leaves for the day, and in leaving the home he leaves behind the problems. but you're stuck in that environment constantly with the hostility constantly on you. 

I found a website called meetup.com and you can meet people in your area. There are all kinds of groups from walking groups, out-door/hiking groups, dining out groups, religious groups, and just hanging out groups. its intimidating at first but ive already met some people. its been good for me to get out. i even went sky diving for the first time.


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks, I will look into that web site. I really have no friends or even acquaintances since I work from home. All my old friends have moved, and I am pretty much alone. Thanks for the information. 

He used to be affectionate to a point, but we had some troubles and he has so much resentment from it. I figure if I can get over it, he should be able to. We did it to each other. Both of us were at fault. Anyways, I am close to losing my mind and just want to meet with people just to get out and do something. Thanks for your help.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Does he also go to counseling or just you? Have you told him what you want/need? Does he say why he is not affectionate? It seems that you need to work on communicating with him first. I have been in a similar situation and communicating can be very hard, but I have found that unless the communication is good the rest of the relationship will not be. If you both go to counseling you have a better chance of resolving your issues. Would he be willing to write a letter explaining his resentment? Sometimes putting things in writing helps to get them out. If he cannot get over his resentment things probably will not improve.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> You need an outlet. Having a social life is really important. If you stay home all day the problems in your marriage are constantly with you. your H leaves for the day, and in leaving the home he leaves behind the problems. but you're stuck in that environment constantly with the hostility constantly on you.
> 
> I found a website called meetup.com and you can meet people in your area. There are all kinds of groups from walking groups, out-door/hiking groups, dining out groups, religious groups, and just hanging out groups. its intimidating at first but ive already met some people. its been good for me to get out. i even went sky diving for the first time.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

3 of those because I agree with everything said here!

I've met people through meetup.com also, a great way to get to know people.

Marriage counseling takes awhile to start making a difference. My husband and I have been going for 2 months. I was very discouraged after the first few sessions, and it is just in the past few sessions that it is really starting to help us respond in better ways to each other. what is important is that you are both committed to the process. Hang in there!

What Blanca said is SO true about getting out of the house. I can relate. I work from home.My husband leaves in the morning and if I stay home to write, I just get all weighed down with the conflicts, issues in my immediate environment. Lately I've started going to teh library to do work (hence a lot less posting here!), and it is much healthier and more balanced for me.


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your help. We have gone to a couple of counseling sessions and I met with her once alone. I have to call and make another appointment. I want him to go but I don't know if he will. I looked up the website meetup.com but there isn't really much there for me to join, but I will keep looking and hopefully I will find something. I think writing the letter might be very helpful. I know I could write a lot more than what I can say to him face to face. We have a very hard time communicating...I guess we always have....just didn't notice it so much when we were getting along. Anyways, I will keep you posted as to what is going on.


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