# fiance dislikes my children



## hanging on by a thread (Feb 15, 2010)

I've never posted a thread like this before. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I was married for 5 years together for 12. Due to my infidelity and lack of communication we decided it would be best if we divorced. We have three wonderful sons. The oldest that I adopted (as far as I'm concerned he is, always has been, and will always be my son) was hers from a previous relationship and two biological.

Forward to my current relationship: We have been together for the last eight years. We have 1 child together. Since day one I was very open with her as far as my commitment to my children is concerned. What led up to my divorce? And what type of an individual I wanted involved in my children’s life. Other than my oldest the others because of their ages were not involved in that many extra curricular activities.

In the beginning both my ex and I decided that neither one of us would bring another partner around our children until we felt that they were mentally and emotionally ready. So there were times that my current was not allowed at the children’s events. (Nor was the ex's fiancé) Due to the ages of my children there were not many. We only had one that was involved in anything. My current always stated her disbelief in this matter and yet said that she guessed she understood, but wanted to be involved in their life. As far as she was concerned I was trying to keep her hidden.

Of course time goes on and progresses. (You would think) At first all was wonderful. She would attend events both school and otherwise. At times she would look after my children while I worked on the weekends. (At the time there were only 3) All the boys absolutely adored her. She had met my ex face to face and I guess as most new gf would say made particular comments of "what did you ever see in her", "Boy I bet your glad that's over with" etc. The comments were never made in front of my children so as far as I was concerned no harm no foul.

The ex and I wanted to have an open line of communication at all times. In other words if our currents were having a problem with our boys we wanted them to know they could call either one of us and discuss the situation or ask for help. Or to discuss scheduling times of events or changes, when she couldn’t get in touch with me. We also felt that due to the close proximity of our residences there was no need for two birthday parties, graduation parties Christmases etc. (This of course went over like a fart in a space suit so things were changed. Now it’s to the point that I can’t even celebrate my children’s birthday when they do come over.) To us this seemed like a really good idea after all we were very happy with the people we were involved with so much so that my ex was now engaged with a date set to be wed. All was going along peacefully. One day I received a phone call from my current saying that my oldest was getting out of line with his brother and that they were fighting. (Punches were thrown) At that moment I was unable to leave work so I contacted my ex and explained that so and so is having a problem with the boys could you or yours stop by the house and intervene. (We live in the same town about 5 - 10 min from each other.) They did so and all was well until I got home. Then the question came up of why in the hell would I have them come over and that she did not want either one of them to help in the future. After all my ex was just a nosey B****! I informed my ex that the current was uncomfortable with that type of a situation and in the future to just contact me at the house so no conversations would be going on behind her back.

Now I'm sure for those of us that have been divorced you have at some time received a ridiculous phone call from your ex. Mine is no exception. For the most part the conversations always revolved around the boys. Yes there were some general questions that went on such as work and family questions were concerned but that was all. For those of us that have children you know as well as I do when they are all starting to become active schedules can change and sometimes multiple times. (Ball tournaments, Birthday parties, sleepovers etc.) When I would receive these calls if I wasn’t off the phone within 30 seconds things around the house would be slammed around making all kinds of noise so that my ex knew she was around. Some of these actions were done in front of my children. Accusations started from my girlfriend that my ex wants me back and doesn’t want me to have anyone else. After trying to reassure her that was incorrect than it was said that I wanted to go back there. So another change was made, I contacted the ex and asked if from now on instead of calling the house call me while I’m at work or my cell via text or phone. Thinking this would ease the some of the pressure. Nope then I was accused of talking to my ex behind my girlfriends back.

Now many of you are probably wondering why are you with her and that I need to have my head examined. Well in August of 04 I was informed that she was pregnant. Introduce my youngest. In December of 04 I asked her to marry me. Not because of the child though, I had already been planning to ask the question. (I did ask her not to say anything to anyone until I could tell my boys I didn’t want them to hear it from anyone but me.) That was a Wednesday evening and we would see them on Friday.
Two weeks after I proposed I was told the only reason that I asked her was because my ex was getting married.

Now I have four awesome boys if I do say so myself. I purchased us a new house we needed more room. Then what threads I thought that were holding our relationship together started raveling apart. My ex was being called names in front of my children (their mother). I’m not meaning names like she’s nuts or crazy, but more like that she’s a “b****, worthless, she wishes she was dead, etc”. All of which of course made it back to their mother. I was told that my oldest (again who I adopted) was not mine that I adopted him and that I shouldn’t be expected to pay child support on him. Which he overheard, and even though I was explaining to her that he was mine and would always be (which he also heard) it totally devastated him. Enough so that he stopped coming around as much. He was 16.

Her self-esteem is horrible. I’ve tried all that I know to help and reassure her that she is who I want. When she has accused me of having an affair I’ve reassured her and proved to her that I wasn’t. When that didn’t work I tried reverse psychology and said, “Yes your right I am having one. Please tell me who she is.” She found no humor in that what so ever. It would be extremely easy to have an affair on her at this point. Not a sexual affair but an emotional one.

I’ve been told that she doesn’t give a ***t as to what goes on in my children’s life so don’t talk to her about it. So if I go to a ball game of any type I don’t mention it to her. Unfortunately being in a small town everyone knows me and it always gets back to her that I was there. When questioned I let her know that she said she didn’t want to know what was going on so I didn’t tell you. This last November my oldest graduated from basic training US ARMY. With the relationship between he and I being as strained as it has been I felt that my place was to be there to show my support and for him to know that no one under any circumstances would ever come between us. When I announced that I was going (I also invited her to go and was told that she wouldn’t waste a day off to see him.) she kept saying the same thing. “Should I be happy that your going to spend time with your ex wife.” Please keep in mind that yes my ex was there along with her husband and two of my other sons. Even though that was the case as far as she was concerned I was only there with my ex.

I get along well with my ex wife’s husband. We do not have a deep friendship but he is good to my boys and accepts them as if they were his own. Now as my boys are getting older 14, 11, 6 their emotions are getting vocal. They will not talk to her with disrespect yet they are very tired of hearing her put their mother down and called names by her. The only time that she will hold a conversation with them is if she wants them to do something or wants to complain about what they have done.

Because of the animosity that is being created our arguments have turned physical. I’m not a wife beater. When the relentless badgering of my children goes on for hours I try and walk away. That’s when I’m told that I must be going to see my girlfriend, or that I should go live with my ex so we can have a happy family together. She can pick on me as much as she wants but when she attacks my children I explode.

I have suggested counseling there isn’t anyone she wants to talk to. I had her served with papers thinking that would open her eyes to the fact that if you don’t change your ways I’m leaving. That hasn’t worked. 

I truly do love her and want us to be together. At the same time though I’m at the end of my rope. When I look back over the last 8 years I cant believe what I’ve put my children through. Is it love that I’m staying for, or fear of the unknown? 

Please help any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

If I were in your situation I would think that somebody needs a little 'time out' from what sounds like escalating pressures. Is your wife able to have a week's break, go visit parents or friends, reflect a little on what she wants from your marriage and what she feels able to put into it?

Looking ahead a little, thinking of all possible eventual outcomes, if your arguments turn physical leave the house for a couple of hours. Or if that's not possible then just stand and take it. I've just stood there and so I know it's not easy but your kids will be very distressed to see you fight and, on another, more legal, level it could come back to haunt you.

Good luck!


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## hanging on by a thread (Feb 15, 2010)

I've tried walking away. That's when additional accusations begin. I've tried the reassurances and that was to no avail.

I often state that maybe she needs to take a break, maybe spend sometime by her self. The response that I receive is "who would take care of our youngest". Which, I am more than capable of. Then the arguments always flip back around to her saying that I'm to involved in my others children’s life and that I need to remember that I'm divorced. And if she leaves for a week then he would be around my other children too much. (His Brothers).

Recently I've asked her family for assistance. For a while now they have all asked her "Why do you treat the boys like that?" There never is a good reply from her.

The hardest part of all is that things were not always like this. Everything happened when she became pregnant with our youngest.


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## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

I am going to tell you from experience, if you marry this person - your life and your son's lives are going to be a living hell. Trust your gut. You cannot allow her to put down their mother right in front of them! Its not their fault that they were born and not their fault that their mother and you are no longer together. Divorced people have pasts and the kids have to be put first. I know this because I am living it right now with my hubby who can't stand being around my 19 yr old daughter and life is AWFUL. We also have a 2 year old together.....If I could do it all over - I would NEVER have married him.....it is causing undue hardship to my oldest daughter and it just isn't fair!!!! RUN DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree.


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