# porn



## verity (Nov 22, 2013)

hi there,
we have been married 5 months and our sex life is practically non exisitant.. my husband tells me that he loves me and finds me attractive but he just never seems interested in sex. I know he watches porn as he has a lot on his computer . he spends time at home when he isn't working and I know while I am at work he is getting off to porn! browsing history! a couple of months back I saw that he had visited certain sites where woman are up for sex with no strings! he said that he was sick of getting mail off them and only way he could stop it was to ask for a new password and then cancel his membership! but while he was on there he had viewed quite a few profiles! he said I was being paranoid and that he wouldn't do anything so I sort of believed him.. now he has a private photo vault on his phone which I knew the number for! I checked it and there were 100s of porn pics of woman which I wasn't too bothered about but there was also some of a woman obviously not a model! after a bit of detective work I found out it was a friend of someone he had just accepted on facebook! he must have trawled through his friends, friend list and obviously she had caught his eye.. the photos are more or less of her with her boobs hanging out of her outfit! she belongs a milf club... he must have then took a photo with his phone of various pics of her and stored them in his vault with his porn!! I just feel really betrayed by this especially as he just doesn't seem to be interested in me sexually but has all this porn and now these pics of some random woman! its making me ill with worry and questioning our marriage.. I confronted him and he said its just a bit of voyeurism.. he loves me but finds other woman attractive but wouldn't do anything. am I being paranoid for wanting my husband to want me and not some porn clip or photos?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You do not sound paranoid to me at all. You sound very justified in being upset about what is going on. 

5 months into the marriage and the sex is gone? That's a big problem... these things if ignored can go on for years and they don't usually get better on their own! Communicating honestly, counseling, etc can help but you have to both want to try. It sounds like he's kind of checked out. 

How long were you together before you got married? What was sex like before you were married / in the beginning of the marriage? Do you have kids? This is bringing up all kinds of issues with honesty and faithfulness. I assume he knows that you are NOT comfortable with the porn. The more you both wait to deal with this, the more lies will build up. 

By the way, some will disagree, but I don't think it's okay for one spouse to use porn if the other spouse feels hurt by it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

His "bit of voyeurism" is robbing you of a healthy sex life. There's a big difference between being attracted to other members of the opposite sex (which we all are), and focusing on them to such an extent that it impacts on your marriage.

I would suggest MC, and if that doesn't work I'd be gone. There is no way I would tolerate this in a marriage - particularly after only 5 months.


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

I love porn and as a woman that's really weird I realize, but I would never, ever choose it over the real thing. I only use it when the real thing isn't available. This definitely sounds unacceptable. What was it like before marriage?


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## MrDarkDream (Jan 12, 2013)

The question is not whether you are being paranoid, but are you being paranoid enough? One thing to consider is how long you have been together. You mentioned been married for 5 months, but how long have you two been together intimately before you got married? As a man I can tell you that we like variety, so maybe having a conversation with him about his turn ons and fantasies and about yours as well. Lastly some people do get addicted to porn and will prefer it over the real thing, so he should consider whether or not he needs help.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Agreed that you are not being paranoid enough.


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## WhiskeyJack8 (Nov 18, 2013)

Have you ever done or said anything to make him feel sexually undesirable? Make him feel like he's not a contributor to the house? Do (or did) you genuinely get excited about having sex with him before or was is more of "well ok lets have sex since we are a couple"? I think most men's sex drive is linked to how their women makes them feel about sex and how you make him feel about his overall productivity as a man (do you nag a lot?)

When I contribute a lot to the house and relationship and my wife tells me I'm not doing anything or if she's not excited about sex it not only makes me want to stop contributing but it also saps my sex drive.

I think porn and masturbation is common for most men and even married men. I do it and my wife knows it and she knows its simply to supplement my high sex drive compared to hers. I think she's a bit uncomfortable with me looking at other naked women but I asked if we could take pics of her and make a nice sex tape and I wouldn't watch any porn but she looked at me like I was a zombie...

My wife told me 2 months after the wedding that sex was no longer important to her now that we are married it wont be a priority any more. We had a great sex life prior, sometimes 7 times a week. Honeymoon was awesome but honeymoon phase died the second we got home and I knew something wasn't right. She is more attractive to me now than ever, intellectually, physically and emotionally but her attitude towards sex based solely on the fact that we are now married is the single reason I do not think about sex with her anymore. I masturbate and watch porn now as a replacement to having sex with my wife. 

Your husband may in deed love you in all those ways but sexually is clearly not one of them anymore - it could be him or could be something you did/said (that you may not even have realized at the time) that destroyed his desire to have sex with you. You should ask him if there was anything you did that may have triggered this. Maybe by accident you have said something that has made your husband doubt any chance of fulfilling sex life and is now looking to other people? I have not looked into seeking another person that will fulfill my need for sex, even though my wife's attitude is very sh!tty I still respect her and would divorce her first. But I can definitely see myself starting to look into seeing other women if her attitude kept on getting worse. I feel like the sex we did have while dating was just a façade to get me to propose - which is so sad.

The fact that your husband is looking at these "I will have casual sex" websites for other women is very alarming. I think it shows that he is at a point where he realizes (or thinks) your marriage wont get better. Did he have a lot of sexual partners prior to you? maybe he is in a "state of shock" that he's only got 1 women to be sexual with for the rest of his life? Although choosing to enter into a relationship and marriage he should have come to terms with that fact some men just don't prepare themselves.

Maybe the simple knowledge that these women are "looking" to hook up with someone is what is exciting to him (even though we both know 95% of those female profiles are fake and created to entice single or lonely men). Maybe you could create a fake ad (in word with some sexy photos of yourself, not actually on a website), print it out and leave it in a place he is bound to look.

Confronting him is the worse thing you could have done - it puts him on the defensive and he will never share his TRUE reason of why he looks at these girls/websites. He will probably try to hide it even more now. Instead, ask to look at these girls with him and give him a handjob while doing it, since that what he's doing anyways. It might make him feel like you are trying to understand him. After that, since he's on a more comfortable level with you (he should be comfortable with you anyways as your husband but some men just can't be like that with certain topics), you could ask him why he does this and if there is anything YOU can do to change it. Or if you walk in on him doing this and he quickly closes all the internet browsers and turns off his phone, give him a nice handjob or blowjob with a big smile - don't say a word and then walk away. Guaranteed he will soon realize "holy sh!t my wife is awesome" and will start to think that sex with you will be awesome.

You cant expect his attitude to change overnight - it will take a lot of work on your part to dig out why he does this (men don't share their feelings very well) and the one thing you cant do is make it seem like its all his fault or doing. Ask how you could figure this out together.


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## verity (Nov 22, 2013)

our sex life was fantastic when we got together. we have been together 4 years. he knows I still fancy him like mad because I tell him and try to show him. I once dressed up in sexy lingerie and and came down stairs to ask him if he would like to take some pics for when he works away and he just said , 5 mins babe , I just want to finish this invoice I am doing! I just felt so humiliated and deflated.. I am just getting so paranoid of everything now. he takes his phone everywhere with him and a few times I have walked into the bedroom and he has quickly put his phone down at the side of the bed and seemed jumpy! but I just don't know whether its my paranoia.. I feel like I am going mad! i know he loves me but i just think he has this need for something else. when we first got together he played hot and cold. he wanted a no strings attached relationship! i told him i couldn't do that. he would then come back and say he wanted to be with me. week later no strings attached again. things came to a head when he then told me , he had been seeing a married woman, who had now agreed to leave her husband . i walked away. he then slept with me a week before she moved in with him. i know i was mad but it was my last fling with him.. two months later she left him because she missed her family.. we ended up back together. we have been together ever since. i honestly think he likes the excitement of the no strings attached ! what worries me is if he is going on these kind of sites ... he just keeps telling me i am paranoid and that the photos and porn don't mean anything! all men look at other woman but he wouldn't do anything..


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Red flags. Red flags everywhere.

-Married people don't get to look up info for singles. Full stop.
-If the photos and the porn didn't mean anything to him, he wouldn't be doing that.
-If he cares about you, and knows that looking at porn hurts your feelings, he'd cease those behaviours immediately...
-Be extremely concerned about a spouse who guards their mobile phone with their life. Bad bad sign.

You are not paranoid. I'm not there of course, but it sounds like more than him just looking at porn during nights when you're not making love. After all, he's ceased all sexual activity with you.

Sorry to hear about it.


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