# Is this normal , will these waves ever end , when ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hello Tamers.
Surprised you guys still let me in round here, l feel like l'm a pretty slow recoverer compared to some around.

But , it's about 12 mths since we separated , after 18yrs together all up.
l've thought l was done 10 times already yet this last few days have hit one of the hardest and lowest of all. 
Did you find anything similar or ?
ls that normal , will it ever end ?

I'm still at the house , it's on an ac 1o mins out of local towns. lt's a nice place , very pretty , still a bit ran down though because we'd only had it 18mths before this and didn't finish the reno. l did a bit more but it's up for sale now as is.
Sometimes l just feel so alone here now though . lt went from a family home , to lots of partying amongst it and now to just me - and my d when she's here and often a bunch of her friends staying over too.
The place is back to it's old self when there's a few people running about but alone it's just downright lonely and depressing because of all this.

l miss the family thing so much , my d, our life and most of the x stuff. Because l work from home to l'm mostly around somewhere and pretty damn housebound otherwise too mostly financially, debts.
None of that helps l know but , a lone in a crisis , seems to be the pattern of my life.

Sometimes l thin k x has it better , at least she's not around our house all the time.
l just miss all the good so much and so deeply again just this last wk . Yet hu , l think l've even quite proudly mentioned a dozen times round here to people , l'm ok now , done , dusted. Yet once again maybe l was getting a little ahead of myself .
l don't feel like dating , though l wouldn't mind some serious partying - nothin on offer though unfortunately .

How has it all been for you , how did it go , how damn long did it take or is it taking , do the x's REALLY just sail of into the sunset footloose and fancy free the way they seem too ?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Maybe its the 'house spirit'? 

Actually come to think of it, its pretty weird, when STBX and I seperated, she went to live with her parents. I felt depressed day by day walking around in an empty house with so many memories. Then we discussed finances and she inherited the house, moved back in and I got my own apartment. Now she's walking around in an empty house with so many memories and probably made her want to reconcile :rofl:

She doesn't want to sell because of our daughter. Oh well...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Hello Tamers.
> Surprised you guys still let me in round here, l feel like l'm a pretty slow recoverer compared to some around.
> 
> But , it's about 12 mths since we separated , after 18yrs together all up.
> ...


WH-

You're spending too much time at home. It's not good. It's isolation and that's the last thing you need.

I ended up taking a retail job at night and its done a lot of good for me. I'm home for my son during the day, I've met some really nice people there who are on their way to becoming friends of mine, not just co workers. It's also boosted my confidence because I realized I can talk to people, I can make people laugh, and people like me. The bonus is I'm making money while I do it.

You should really try to get out. There are things to do that don't cost a lot of money. Heck, even if you have a job during the day maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a part time night job where you are surrounded by people.

It might be just the thing you need to break this cycle you're in.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks SS . I know , the house side of things , the housebound side even more so , is such a setback, really drags me down . the finances have been horrific though see so needing at least some fuel to leave the gate . Been such a drag on things.
the night work could be a good thing your right , if l could get some. Been looking for part time work to help with the damn finances anyway , no luck as yet .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Maybe its the 'house spirit'?
> 
> Actually come to think of it, its pretty weird, when STBX and I seperated, she went to live with her parents. I felt depressed day by day walking around in an empty house with so many memories. Then we discussed finances and she inherited the house, moved back in and I got my own apartment. Now she's walking around in an empty house with so many memories and probably made her want to reconcile :rofl:
> 
> She doesn't want to sell because of our daughter. Oh well...


Ahh right . Yeah l wanted to persist and keep it for awhile too to make things less shock on d.
lt must also be a bit hard for her too sometimes though like this of course.

So your x has it now , is being away from it better ?
Does she really wanna R or was that a joke ? Reckon mine might too if she was still here ha . Although , her rental is short of me too , that l can very much feel about it whenever l'm tyhere , especially when l leave . Suck it up princess l'm usually thinking.
Well except my d has to live there too , that parts just downright upsetting


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry about that WH just keep trying.

I've been feeling a bit stuck myself lately. The ironic thing is between working 4 nights a week and wanting to be here for my boys I have very little social life right now. I know it's only going to get worse as the holidays approach. 

There really are times I'd love to just sell this house and move. I'm moving on from stbxh but I don't think this house has helped but I'm learning not to let it bother me. I'm trying to replace old memories with new ones.

Maybe you need to change some things around. Move some furniture, switch around some rooms. It may give you the boost you need.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> Ahh right . Yeah l wanted to persist and keep it for awhile too to make things less shock on d.
> lt must also be a bit hard for her too sometimes though like this of course.
> 
> So your x has it now , is being away from it better ?
> ...


Well, I do feel better than when I was living there for sure. It was harder as everything just made me miss her, even little things like our fridge having different food, the silence... she had still had most of her stuff in our/her bedroom (I mostly stayed in my man cave when she left, had a nice sofa bed)

Now everything here in my apartment is mine with no attached history or memories. It's better I guess

She didn't want to reconcile after Feb and made it impossible for us by insisting that I was in the wrong until she came forward recently. But meh


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks SS and yeah exactly. By the time l finish running around for work too, wk/ends with my d as much as l love them or running us out somewhere for fun , really zaps the free time doesn't it get sick of driving too. Wk end times though is important for us to isn't it, chance to meet people or get out if you can so you end up thinking wtf. Not that as l say l don't just love the time with d it's just hard to know how to work all this !
Really though x has it worse , housebound every night for d still , again l think suck it up princess , you wanted this [email protected]
I get sick of driving too and try to save it for my d on the wk end. l even have to go 11hrs each way interstate for a few days later this wk, gonna be walking for awhile after that trip l think 

How longs it been for you now SS ?
You know what , l just feel so empty , pointless . You just can't help but wonder you know , doesn't that hit the waw's to !

Have changed a lot of the house , main b/r too , still can't sleep in there though. l love this house , it's a classic old joint . Wouldn't wanna go on living here like this though. l did think of keeping it for awhile. Thinking a new women would bring the place back , dunno . No new women yet and don't even feel like one so .


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It'll be a year the beginning of January. In my case no, he's not feeling empty or pointless. He's a mess but i think that's coming from realizing everything wasn't going to go his way.

He made the mistake of trying to introduce the kids to ow when they had told them they had no interest in meeting her. He hasn't tried since.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I don't think the walkaways and waywards feel the same sense of loss, unless they get shocked into realizing the mistakes they've made throughout their lives.

They rewrite history and use their rationalization hamsters to make themselves the victims and the betrayed spouses the bad guys and reasons to leave.

I'm sorry, but the aha moment for them won't come. And even if they miss the betrayed spouse, pride will keep them from admitting it. There are exceptions, but [email protected] few.


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Not sure what people on this site call people like me --- am I the BS or the walkaway (WAS??)? I was a BS, and realizing something was wrong for months, I finally asked H to leave. He did. Found out 2 days later (from OW’s H) that H was having an EA with a co-worker for the past 2 months. 3.5 months later, the OW chose to stay with her H, and WS asked to come home. I was in IC, and we then also went to MC. Back together for 16 months when I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and wanted a divorce. He is a passive-aggressive, and always painted himself as the victim. The problem was always me. He could do no wrong. His attempt at reconciliation was minimal…I guess still believing that if I dealt with my problems, everything would be fine and he didn’t have to make an effort. Things OK for about 10 months though. Then he went into a depression when we had to put one of our dogs down. No sex for 6 months, towards the end sleeping in separate bedrooms. Fell back into his routine of just walking away from me when I tried to discuss anything that had to do with my thoughts and feelings. He didn’t do the homework assignments MC gave us. After nearly 30 years together, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I was dying a little bit each day. Never knowing if/when he would go after the OW again. Still working at the same place --- neither of them would quit their jobs. Not seeing the effort I thought I needed to see for us to come back from such a betrayal. 
So I walked…. Has it been easier since I’m the one who decided to leave? No. Like you say, there have been waves of I’m OK, I will be fine, I’m moving on… I had so much determination when we sold our house and I bought one of my own… and then there are waves of overwhelming grief. Long, seemingly never-ending waves of grief. Grief that my STBXH chose once again to go after the OW and destroy another family. Grief for my Ds, who although they will always love their dad, have absolutely no respect for him. Grief for the future I had planned with this man. Grief for all I have lost in the past nearly two years --- a marriage, the family home, the neighborhood we had lived in for 20 years, our two beloved family dogs. A year out, with divorce papers finally filed, I pray each day that God gives me the strength to make it through another day.
The STBXH was pretty miserable for the first 8 months, according to what my Ds would tell me and according to the texts he would send me telling me he missed me and still loved me…. up until about 4 months ago that is, but that’s when he and the OW got back together. And this time the OW chose my STBXH, leaving her husband and children behind, and they’re already talking marriage.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

angstire said:


> I don't think the walkaways and waywards feel the same sense of loss, unless they get shocked into realizing the mistakes they've made throughout their lives.
> 
> They rewrite history and use their rationalization hamsters to make themselves the victims and the betrayed spouses the bad guys and reasons to leave.
> 
> I'm sorry, but the aha moment for them won't come. And even if they miss the betrayed spouse, pride will keep them from admitting it. There are exceptions, but [email protected] few.



Hey Ang. yeah l just just gob smack at that rationalization . X saw counselors for mths on her own . Told them her side, ideas and thoughts about what was going on with me . The only problem was they were all a mile off , if only she'd talked to me .
She thought l was done , thought l was gonna race of with someone else , thought l was gonna leave the family because l hated our new house area. Thought l didn't want her anymore , l'd checked out long ago.
Iy was all wrong , none of that was the way it was. Strangest thing is though , you'd think that'd be good news , we can work it out after all , he does still love me after all, we can survive this and still grow old together.
But it made no difference . She even had this personality type called something or another that she'd decided l was yet she was another. And that was all based on the things she was thinking and a mile off too , made no difference either though.

l have noticed her going through many highs and lows though as l come and go for d . There's been to lots of texting through the night talking about guilt and sorry's , stuff .
Just lately though she seems to have picked up again , almost happy , as if settling into her new life , it's pretty sad and sickening .
But , still with lots of waves , like obvious disappointment if l don't stop and talk on the phone awhile or leave straight away with d instead of hanging about and chit chat.
Me l've come and gone 100 times but right now l'd put the family back together if l could .


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Sorry WH, that sounds very difficult and emotionally draining.

It sounds like you need to find your center on what you want, establish your boundaries and stick to them. Maintaining a marriage with her that works for you doesn't sound possible, so maybe start there and work out on what your new life will look like.

It's not easy, but it is necessary to get your life onto the track you want. You don't want to be dealing with this same ebb and flow of emotion 5, 10 or 20 years from now.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am sorry Whitehawk
It has been two months since I left, and six (wow) since we separated. I still hurt a lot! I started hurting a lot more when I finally left our home.
I miss my home more than anything, I miss everything. I miss him.
I have to keep reminding myself that we are not good for each other, the fact that he is very happy and moving on reasonably well helps me (strangely).
Sometimes, I do cry and pray that I could travel back and time and never ask for a separation.
Yet, the fact that he is happy now being single, that he said he doesn't like the way I am (plus his EA), brings me back to reality.
'We are not good for each other.
I need to suck it up and drive on...
Things will hopefully get better.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi WH,

Good to hear from you, sorry that things are difficult atm. I agree with what others have said. Staying in the house alone will only make things worse. 

After my H left me he told me to move out of the house and so I moved back in with my mother. At the time I was out of work and my mum was working everyday. I remember waking up alone in an empty house and just feeling panic and sadness.

It really didn't help sitting in the house alone watching day time tv and waiting till my mother came back home from work. One day I just decided that I couldn't carry on like that and started to sort myself out. 

I started applying for jobs, looking for clubs and gyms to join and just planning days and evenings out with friends or even on my own. I went to art gallerys, walked the dog in the park, shopping and lots of little activities just to keep me busy. 

What I think is so important is to keep your life busy, try and go out and meet people. Since I started my new job I feel so much more busy and during the day my mind doesn't have time to wonder and think about my exH. 

I know what you mean about the highs and lows, some days I will be doing really well and won't think about my H at all. Then there will be days where I feel so sad and upset about everything, a song or film might trigger me off and stir memories. 

It doesn't help when an ex is trying to keep in contact with you, I guess for your case there will be a certain amount of contact as there is your daughter involved. 

But for me my H seems to think that it is ok to contact me when he feels like it and then back away when I tell him my true feelings for him. He's done this about four times now...so I know what you mean about not being able to fully move on.

I have told myself so many times that I won't talk to my H again or reply to him if he calls. But each time he has, I have forgotten everything from before and spoken to him. I really think it will take time to fully let go, but I realise I can't live like this. I am trying really hard to focus on me and am telling myself that I can't wait for him and give him more chances.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Hi WH and others...

I have lately been thinking the same thing. When will this awful rage simmer down? It has been almost 11 months since my x moved out, into the waiting arms of a friend of ours. 

I am doing better than I was, for sure, and moving an hour away from the epicentre, where hell erupted and my X set up shop with the OW, has helped. Though it's more logistically complicated.

Some weeks I'm cruising, excited about new things and busy enough. But my mind can still go there...over the hurtful comments, imagining him with this OW, and little things renew it sometimes like when he sends her home in clothes handed down by the OW's D. 

I really am still so angry and I don't want to be. Angry at mutual friends who somehow still like him, or are just too cowardly to stop being his friend. Angry at the in-laws for raising him to be a selfish loser, and for helping him set up a new home when he is a grown man and should do it for himself.

So I totally hear where you're coming from and wish I could say I'm in a different scenario myself. But a lot of people I talk to says it takes a LONG time to move on when you've been hurt/betrayed/left. And being together 18 years is twice as long as we were, so I imagine it will be harder.

I'm sorry it's such a rough go. I agree that getting out of your house will help. COuld you rent it out for a while, take a new place and see how it goes. Maybe in another year you will feel like giving it another shot with your new partner and will make a whack of lovely new memories there.

Don't give up hope - things will get better, and I think riding out these waves with trust that the low points won't last forever is the way to go. Be good to yourself. Honour what you're feeling, and try not to wonder for too long how some people get off without seeming to suffer. A life lived without emotions is not worth it, IMO. Feel them and show them and then when you're ready (and you will be), leave them behind. 

As for being with someone new...I so want to be and don't know where to start. Any ideas?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

angstire said:


> Sorry WH, that sounds very difficult and emotionally draining.
> 
> It sounds like you need to find your center on what you want, establish your boundaries and stick to them. Maintaining a marriage with her that works for you doesn't sound possible, so maybe start there and work out on what your new life will look like.
> 
> It's not easy, but it is necessary to get your life onto the track you want. You don't want to be dealing with this same ebb and flow of emotion 5, 10 or 20 years from now.



l probably did a bad job explaining things but really , apart from a few hrs once a wk when l actually stick around there to see d , there's really no other boundaries l could add or take away tbh . Now and then x will come over here and stay awhile for d but 99% of the time that's about it and lifes our own really.
Sometimes some chit chat before we go when l pick d up , nothin really. 
like l could slim the chit chats down a bit , take d out instead which l'll do now anyway as there's been some good weather , a bout it.
5-10yrs , no way Ang , we're safe 
We had one of those rare one off relationships mostly , just stresses over this last 4-5yrs that really knocked us both basically finally catching up though, lots of changes, agro, [email protected]
like l know and see how she'd been thinking all those things , all my fault point is though they weren't right . dunno, big stresses do strange things to us if we let them don't they. Before all that we were a far better couple than most.

l think you saying pride , is maybe the first time l've read that . People always insist oh , if they want you back you'll know about it . But no , not with mine.
To admit she made this bigger blunder , would kill her , she'd never do it. She'd test the waters very subtly , that's how she'd approach R and she'd back away at the slightest hint of rejection, that's just how she'd be.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> I am sorry Whitehawk
> It has been two months since I left, and six (wow) since we separated. I still hurt a lot! I started hurting a lot more when I finally left our home.
> I miss my home more than anything, I miss everything. I miss him.
> I have to keep reminding myself that we are not good for each other, the fact that he is very happy and moving on reasonably well helps me (strangely).
> ...


Ahh sorry for your stuff ne. So what you left him but because what you didn't think he wanted you guys or ? plus he had an EA or ? plus you don't feel your good for each other ? So what , you felt you had to ?
Well , driving home late lat night from an 1800mile trip , wish l could go back in time too , wasn't much chop coming home to nothing. That stuff use to always be so much fun with us , 100's of text all the damn way. Sometimes l had to switch the phone of on her just so l could keep driving to get home 

Strange to you describing him moving on , some sort of single happiness and the way that makes you think.
That's exactly how me doing that and so basically the 180 stuff , would effect my x . exactly . That stuff would actually cause her to think ohwell , looks like l did him a favor and backfire big time if l wanted R.
One reason just until l sort out exactly what l do want , l won't do the full 180 thing because that's a big part of it and l know it'd backfire with x.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Hi WH,
> 
> Good to hear from you, sorry that things are difficult atm. I agree with what others have said. Staying in the house alone will only make things worse.
> 
> ...



Hey Juicy thanks for that and you too. 
Yeah the house you know , basically l'm trapped with it.
lt was gonna be time , so that my d wasn't thrown into too bigger shock , she can still come and go , like it's still here you know.
But also l had to finish it first to sell it or even rent it out. l needed it to work from too. But nope , it hasn't helped one bit that's for sure . l see though quite a few people are still living at the house but in my case , no way round it unfortunately.
Ready to go now though , wish the damn thing would sell.

Yeah it's hard though Juice , your doing so well though . Hell look all that stuff your doing , that's big , hang in there.
But l think to your being a bit hard on yourself to you know. l don't think you have to ignore his text or calls , chats , hell if l did that she just wouldn't bother , that'd be that because she'd read that as a P off , l'm moving on and l don't really want that just yet.
like you can answer them , talk , reply and stuff but l think the idea is just don't let it get too carried away , giving yourself away or them an easy mark - , at least l think that's the idea.
But anyway she always answers mine and usually straight away , same with talk or anything else so for me , l just return it basically so it's pretty easy.
Somes l backtrack and get a bit carried away true but hey , sometimes she does too so to hell with that , who cares.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> Hi WH and others...
> 
> I have lately been thinking the same thing. When will this awful rage simmer down? It has been almost 11 months since my x moved out, into the waiting arms of a friend of ours.
> 
> ...



Hey ya Lucy , really nice to hear from you l was wondering how you've been and thanks for the encouragement.
So have you moved out of the house now then ?
Yeah ours is ready to sell now and it's just gone back on the market , see what happens . Though been wondering again now if l could hack keeping it maybe, renting it out , use the equity instead to buy something else. That way l could finish it off properly down the track and double the money and God knows l need every cent so , that's another thought, dunno .

But yeah, better to have loved and lost than never at all don't they say !
Sorry things are so rough on you , [email protected]@/holes . But you are sounding like you've come so far lately too and l can see big turning points for you .
And hey , surely riding these hurting times out ends up good for us :smthumbup: , gotta be - maybe we get rewarded later hey , who knows .

Hey l know where to start , you move into my place :rofl::rofl::rofl:
But ahh Lucy , tis a fkg tough one that.
We're 12 mths now and do you know , that is the longest l have ever stayed single in my life so hey , maybe the times approaching someone new eh.
But no clue where to start myself either , scary as hell.
my stuffs strange to because it seems it's all about dating now especially online stuff, yet l've never really dated. 
Almost every girl l've ever known l met through friends or at a party or just bumped into her somehow .
Got no friends here , no parties , bit of a worry. Though l did manage to hook up with one earlier on just accidentally so maybe, l get lucky and something like that happens again .

He what, sends her home in ow hand me downs. l know , they just don't seem to think or even have a clue just what the hell things like that can do. Mine's done a few to, l don't get how they could be so stupid or inconsiderate , l really just don't get it . Sometimes l think they're trying to force their crap onto us .

ps , hope anything l've said in the last few posts makes some sense , still tired from an interstate trip.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hey WH, thank you and don't worry you dound like you are doing better. You have good days and bad days so we will pull through. 

I know what you are saying about the texts and stuff. When my ex H sent me a text or called I would reply straight away and I was always waiting for his reply. But after the past three times that he told me he missed me etc but then backed away each time I got less and less eager to reply to his messages. 

I guess I didn't want to set myself up for a fall like I have already done. I know I am saying this now but if he did text I probably would reply to him. But showing you are totally available and aren't moving on with your life isn't a good idea, so I told myself to wait before replying and to take my time. This way you don't look like you're sitting around waiting for their call or text and it shows you actually have a life.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah , l'm lucky in that way anyway. l don't take my phone out to work or have it beside me round the house either see. So anyones calls or text are usually a few hrs at least before l even see them anyway.
l hate this phone clued to head stuff , won't live like that , my brothers the same , we both just leave them on the table or something. 1/2 the time l don't even know where mine is.
So hey , auto built in answer delay 

That's pretty big that he says stuff like that though J . Not that l'd be getting my hopes up mind you , these people seem to do more twists and turns than a cork screw but , maybe all not well in paradise eh - ain't karma a beautiful thing :rofl:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Well, it saddens me to say but a poss R isn't looking good.
Today, l had to talk to x about what to do with the house .
l don't like it here like this as you know , at all but it is a nice place and we own 1/2 now so it's cheap to keep but there won't be much left each if we do sell it separated to restart with.
So l've also been thinking maybe keep it - what if we R , it could be a family home once again.
Or, x could even keep it and l could just use equity in it to buy my new place , which would get me a bit further than the cash l'd get if we just sold see , plus we'd still have it.

Anyway , point is , l have the biggest financially and life changing decisions that need to be made and the x on us factor and family thing with it all is what all that's about.
So , l had to at least throw some stuff out there about all this, hopefully get even just a clue on where she's at ! 
x's reply , no clue needed - " maybe you hook up with some cool new chick with kids in the future and it can be a family property again, you should keep it who knows "
Umm , not exactly what l was hoping to hear and that was the second time.
Another time we were talking about the future and she said then too , "l want you to be happy, meet someone cool , to go on and be happy you so deserve that "
Thanks babe !

So it isn't looking like R is in her thinking but , why the hell would she even want me living only 10mins away then anyway,forever? 
Spose that could be for my daughter , you think ?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

More waves.
Just finished telling a friend earlier how on the other hand you can get to liking the freedom.
So today l'm out side spraying weeds and blackberry through the property but the place feels empty and cold.
Most women , well good ones anyway , just make a place a home don't they , miss it all so much today.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Got my new canoe a few days ago , gonna paddle this crap out of my system :rofl:


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> So it isn't looking like R is in her thinking but , why the hell would she even want me living only 10mins away then anyway,forever?
> Spose that could be for my daughter , you think ?


Yep, that's it.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hawk,

How's it going? Any pictures from the kayaking?

Hope you are doing well on the rollercoaster,
Stretch


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Hi WH and others...

I have lately been thinking the same thing. When will this awful rage simmer down? It has been almost 11 months since my x moved out, into the waiting arms of a friend of ours. 

I am doing better than I was, for sure, and moving an hour away from the epicentre, where hell erupted and my X set up shop with the OW, has helped. Though it's more logistically complicated.

Some weeks I'm cruising, excited about new things and busy enough. But my mind can still go there...over the hurtful comments, imagining him with this OW, and little things renew it sometimes like when he sends her home in clothes handed down by the OW's D. 

I really am still so angry and I don't want to be. Angry at mutual friends who somehow still like him, or are just too cowardly to stop being his friend. Angry at the in-laws for raising him to be a selfish loser, and for helping him set up a new home when he is a grown man and should do it for himself.

So I totally hear where you're coming from and wish I could say I'm in a different scenario myself. But a lot of people I talk to says it takes a LONG time to move on when you've been hurt/betrayed/left. And being together 18 years is twice as long as we were, so I imagine it will be harder.

I'm sorry it's such a rough go. I agree that getting out of your house will help. COuld you rent it out for a while, take a new place and see how it goes. Maybe in another year you will feel like giving it another shot with your new partner and will make a whack of lovely new memories there.

Don't give up hope - things will get better, and I think riding out these waves with trust that the low points won't last forever is the way to go. Be good to yourself. Honour what you're feeling, and try not to wonder for too long how some people get off without seeming to suffer. A life lived without emotions is not worth it, IMO. Feel them and show them and then when you're ready (and you will be), leave them behind. 

As for being with someone new...I so want to be and don't know where to start. Any ideas?_

I can identify with much of this. It's a rollercoaster, optimistic about the future, glad she's gone, then sad and angry and missing her and our life.

I too think about being with someone new, the thought of falling in love again and forgetting the ex. But then I just can't imagine being able to trust again.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> Ahh sorry for your stuff ne. So what you left him but because what you didn't think he wanted you guys or ? plus he had an EA or ? plus you don't feel your good for each other ? So what , you felt you had to ?
> Well , driving home late lat night from an 1800mile trip , wish l could go back in time too , wasn't much chop coming home to nothing. That stuff use to always be so much fun with us , 100's of text all the damn way. Sometimes l had to switch the phone of on her just so l could keep driving to get home
> 
> Strange to you describing him moving on , some sort of single happiness and the way that makes you think.
> ...


Hey Whitehawk!
Most of my ramblings are a combination of my own thoughts and his ideology. I am beginning to detach from sharing his views on our relationship and having my own individual thoughts.

Yes, he had multiple EA (all innocent, just friends he would say)
Possibly PA, very strong. Possibly child.
Emotional abuse.

Some other issues that I am not ready to share or discuss because they also hurt me.

But the rollercoaster is still in full effect, although it is slowing down.
I didn't miss him yesterday until he texted.
I woke up today feeling wretched and missing him a lot but I am fine now!

Our marriage has ended. It is over. I will file for divorce soon. We both will be okay.
I have forgiving him, so I really don't care to say anything bad about him anymore. 
I need to forgive myself.

We will be okay.

Stay positive!
Hugs your way


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hey everyone,

Sorry so many are struggling but I can hear the healing.

Can I be so bold to suggest getting back to fundamentals.

No contact
Continue to focus on kids
Work on yourself
(For so many)Restart your social life
Connect with old friends where possible

Struggling with the social life seems to be where everyone is getting stuck. Are people exploring Meetups. What about festivals, free concerts, church, volunteering? Interacting with other people is so important and so therapeutic. Don't focus on finding someone else and it might happen accidentally. IT did for me.

Want an ego booster? Get yourself looking hot, freshen up the cologne and walk the grocery store. Let people know you are checking them out and enjoy the glances and smiles you get back.

I know it sounds simple but the fundamentals got us on the road to healing and it can jumpstart the stalling.

Stay the course, the anger will probably fade with the hurt.

Be strong friends, become the desirable people we are and want to be.

Smiles are sexy,
Stretch


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Hawk,
> 
> How's it going? Any pictures from the kayaking?
> 
> ...



Hey Stretch , thanks for that. Pretty rough my friend l'm afraid but the canoe helps :lol:
Yeah ya just never know l might just get some pics next time . Did take some of my beautiful daughter in it last wk but l won't put those in on their own.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> _Hi WH and others...
> 
> I have lately been thinking the same thing. When will this awful rage simmer down? It has been almost 11 months since my x moved out, into the waiting arms of a friend of ours.
> 
> ...


Hey MC , thanks very much for the thoughts . How are you holding up this wk , the move must've been a huge thing yeah ? l can't really move because well one , we don't have any back up money to rent the place out , like if their was tenant trouble , something breaks or we got non payers , so that's pretty risky.
lt's up for sale now though , see how it goes l guess . l love the property but not like this or the area too much either so if it goes it's gonna be mixed blessings. That will probably take awhile though l sorta hope so we'll see what happens.

So sorry for those echoing words and thoughts it leaves you with MC. Got a few of those for pets myself . l try to change channels now :rofl: , without forcing it , just like this song that puts me into tears - great song to but, it's gotta go l'm afraid , sick of that bs .

So you could handle someone new then , well that's a great sign MC . Yeah it's scary though isn't it , as all hell and to right - where to start 
My problem , well maybe, there is l don't want heavy , l just want some fun , partying , light hearted , no falling in love stuff , seems someone always does though. So you could say l'm open but not throwing anything out there much just yet.
My x swings as often as l do to but if l hooked up with someone else, l know that would definitely be it for her which, l don't wanna scare the squirrel as they say , just yet .
lf you feel your becoming ready though MC , l believe those things show and the signals start going out - from there you just never know who might pop up right in front of you once your ready 
But leave them work their magic l say , you are hurt and very sensitive still , pushing anything in that frames not a good thing l don't think .

Good luck and keep letting us know how your traveling .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> Hey Whitehawk!
> Most of my ramblings are a combination of my own thoughts and his ideology. I am beginning to detach from sharing his views on our relationship and having my own individual thoughts.
> 
> Yes, he had multiple EA (all innocent, just friends he would say)
> ...




Thanks ne and back at ya with some hugs hey.
Nah , it's not good to let ourselves get into the running them down trap once it's time . lt just allows too much negativity into our well being in this state doesn't it.

My coasters still in full swing but at least l know now l can go either way , that's progress.
l get days of peace to sometimes , even had a wk awhile back. The nights are still very hard for me but l do find waking up l'm quite happy to not have to fuss or talk, l ain't no morning person:lol: Although mornings themselves do pick me up , especially if it's sunny. l just don't wanna talk too much or have any fuss. Coffee, that's what l do need in the mornings, lots of coffee :scratchhead:

Call me slow but personally, l don't know whether l want to forgive but yet other days l l think , l know it was hard and confusing for us . l hurt you and you hurt me , we got effd up. l don't even really need to forgive you because l don't really blame you .
But if we do , personally l don't believe in much joy forcing forgiveness but moreso reach an l just don't care anymore .

Your right though , l guess we'll all get to where ever it is we're going hey , step at a time .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sorry so many are struggling but I can hear the healing.
> 
> ...



What an inspiration Stretch , thanks for that from us all l know.
Yeah the social breakthroughs a toughy alright . For me 6yrs of all work, house renovating and time for family didn't exactly get me out there :lol:
But hey , l do the shopping and supe thing and your right , it picks us way up people. Working on the rest 

Fundamentals yeah your so right they are life itself l reckon. You know the longest living people in the world are also the happiest in the world and they say , it's because they still live simply yet have all the fundamentals the rest of us have lost.

Somewhere in the Greek islands , so there ya go. laugh a lot , dance a lot , enjoy people , enjoy life , eat fresh foods.
And hey , when ya get old don't go to a nursing home , get out there and chase goats , cut grass , keep dancing and laughing :rofl:


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I like Stretch's advice too! I've been doing the same (but with hair and makeup) and it really does make a difference. My 18 marriage is coming to an end because POS STBXH is moving on with a younger OW. But we went through an infidelity before so to some extent I've been preparing. I feel like at 50, I don't have time to mess around wallowing in the pain, so I'm trying to shut it out as fast as possible. I was once a very fun and vivacious person but have been devoted to kids and house for so many years, I think I lost touch with a part myself. I want that old self back and I'm not going to let anything hold me back this time. 

I also am in a similar situation where I'm in a big house, but I am with the the girls (two high-schoolers). So I'm dreading when they go off to college. I love this house and it's our family house, but I don't want to live here alone. Too big and too much for me to take care of myself. So I have a couple of years to get my ducks in a row and either figure out how to stay here comfortably, or sell out. The girls in the past have said they never want us to sell the house, so it's going to be very very hard. Not an option for STBX to take it over since he travels for work and has never really settled here anyway. He's more of a city-boy, and would only be here because the kids are here and who knows where they'll end up once off to college. He never was much of a home-owner husband, and I have done all the easy repairs from the toilet tank to the fixing faucets, repairing outlets, and all the yard work etc. So part of me feels like I could do it, but not sure I want to do it after kids are out of the house. 

A lot to think about, but in the meantime, I'm taking every chance I get to go out and do something. Walking/hiking is my favorite exercise, but winter is coming on. On the good side is that we have a Y about 15 miles from here, so I'll keep walking through the winter and many other people do too. I"m also planning some hiking trips for next summer, and I've reconnected with some old friends with similar interests. Plus I belong to a local non-profit and there are a lot of good people there who are just a comfort to be friends with. But the best boost for me came from my own daughter just last week. As I said, I've been doing more with the hair and makeup thing. I've always been one to talk to strangers even just briefly in the stores, etc. so that's not hard for me. But this week we came out of the grocery store, and my 17 yr-old says "you look really pretty mom". I asked her what she meant, and she just said, "I don't know... just something... Makeup? Well, anyway, it's like you look 10 years younger." and then she adds, "You know that guy was checking you out". (!) 

We haven't told the kids yet about splitting so it was just a sincere observation with no motivation behind it other than to point out she noticed that guy (haven't told them yet since he travels for work so as long as we keep the weekends civil, we can get a lot arranged and not tell them until at least after holidays and I'm determined to keep the holidays out of this trauma - I don't want them to forever associate the holidays as "that's when dad left us" - Thanksgiving is a big holiday in my family where a lot of extended family get together for a weekend of fun with lots of games and my STBX is right in the middle of all that). So for my daughter to tell me that coming out of the store was awesome. I haven't heard anything so nice in at least 5 years if not longer. Lifted my spirits the whole day and made me feel like, yes there will be life after divorce. I just have to keep telling myself that, and every day look ahead, and not look behind. Way too many shoulda, woulda, coulda's. I think another part of me is also thinking I will get my revenge later too, because frankly, I think STBX is out of the frying pan and into the fire. Long story, but I know I will get my own satisfaction someday. And I'm going to do everything in my power to be the old me, so he really has a chance to see how much he eff-ed up. 

So go canoeing and do things like that... things that you really like to do. THAT is where you will meet someone new. And when you do, it will be someone that shares interests. Going out to bars or out partying is only going to get you cheap thrills, which while can be therapeutic and a boost to self esteem in their own right IMHO, they won't lead to any good friendships or real relationships. I've seen many friends take that route and ultimately, most of them just spiraled out of control and went from one bad "relationship" to another. I just know from my few activities that I have maintained like the non-profit, there are a lot of opportunities for new relationships if I decide to ever open up to that again. I have had ample opportunity to explore those things had I chosen to in the past, even as a married woman, so I know it will be there when I'm single. I"m not looking, but I'm not excluding it either. Going to take my time and recover.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Blade,

I bet your confidence lights up a room!

I hope others can feed off your optimism for inspiration and motivation.

We all have each others' backs.

Stretch


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks for your thoughts and sitch Blade although , l do hate hearing about a marriage going down. Especially if it hasn't if it hasn't happened yet, lt's just so many plan this stuff behind the scenes it seems thinking this and feeling that, Yet as in mine for example the things she'd made up her mind that l was feeling, thinking or not, another girl too, were not how it was at all for me , us . All she needed to do was talk to me about it instead of brewing in silence and hiding it because none of it was how it really was for me.
l wasn't running of with someone else or just plain running of . l did still love her , we were basically just majorly cluster fkd and under stresses. But now this, it's bs.

Not saying that is how it is with yours , he does sound like it's a very tough sitch but level with him now . You just never know , maybe things like me weren't as they seemed at all. Talk to him first.

Those partying mlc'ers nah , that's not me. Even we lived like that in stints our whole 18yrs . We've both always loved a good time to this day , no biggie . A bit of fun always fixes me up 
Dunno about new loves . Sure don't want any right now that's for sure so it's in the whatever basket for me until further notice :lol: Maybe one day but l'm in no hurry at all to hop back into that pan.
Me needs to chill for awhile after this bs.

Good luck with everything and hey , just talk to him first if that was possible l say. l know he sounds like a right off so nothing to lose but , you never do know.
lt's good for a couple to get this shock earlt on instead of afterwards and a year or two for it to really sink in. Some people just lost it like me and do want to work it out or do a complete about face.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> You just never know , maybe things like me weren't as they seemed at all. Talk to him first.


I know for sure what's what. We went through an infidelity 12 or so years ago, when the kids were only 4 and 2. I went into private detective mode, and learned way more than I probably needed to know. But I was determined to keep my family together, and there were a LOT of circumstances and upheavals, so like you said, just totally eff-ed up due to stress, etc. So we did work things out. We talked. One advantage that we've had is actually we've been very good friends and partners in the things we do. I can be very rational and analytical, and I'm very open to different situations. I like to see all sides, and be understanding, plus I take ownership in my own role in the inadequacies of the marriage. So we did have many years that were good again. But then things changed like work and travel status, and there were some other mid-life things (I had a cancer diagnosis two years ago that God willing was is all gone now... last surgery in March). So when he told me that there is someone else and he wants out, that's that. I am grieving the loss of what we had at one time like a death, but I also know that I've been given a second chance at life, and why would I do it with someone who was callous enough to take up with another (younger!) woman right on the heals of such a life-shaking event for me? In fact, part of me wonders if my cancer scare didn't subconsciously motivate him to accept affection from a younger woman. 

So my plans for moving on have actually been in the works as a commitment to my prayers being answered after that cancer scare. I have a second chance at life period! I'm just going to be doing some of those things without him instead. Part of me does feel that someday, he will be sorry about all this, and I think he is also grieving the loss. I don't feel that he is completely done with me and I know he still cares about me, but this time, I'm done with him regardless (I know he wants to explore this new relationship and they have some tentative plans - again, I feel like I know more than I really want to). 

Like I said, I'm 50, and I have a second chance offered to me. It's all about ME this time. I gave my heart and soul, faith, and dedication to my husband and my family, and that was betrayed. I have many things from my youth that I have also come to grips with, and I feel those things made me not the best spouse either. I want to be better myself too, and now see that I don't think I can be with him. I do still love him. But there is no way we could reconcile and have everything be ok. I will never close a door on someday in the future because I do feel we've become so intertwined, we'll always be connected, but this chapter needs to be over. For me it needs to be over. 

I hold the power to choose whether all this crap ruins my life, or whether I thrive because it has made me who I am. I choose thrive. We all hold that power in ourselves. WE have a choice. I also will make sure my girls are survivors too, and not victims. It will shape their lives and how they deal with relationships in the future. I'm not going to let our mistakes ruin their lives too. That in itself would be the single most powerful motivator for me. I suspect that my brush with cancer and looking at my own mortality probably has as much as anything to do with my actions now. I was already on a good path to rebuilding ME. Probably also why STBX felt it was ok to pull the plug now. I"m saving the anger stage for a time when it won't affect my girls. It's there, but I won't let it dictate my actions. In fact, it drives me into positive action. I want to look back in a year, 5 years, or more, and see that people were saying Wow! - There's no holding her back! And the days that I waffle and feel myself slipping into the anger and grief, I can come on here and vent, and read other people's stories, and it all feels better. I'm really loving this forum!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah it's a fantastic place , great people. Sometimes l think people really are at their best when things are at their worst.
No one could blame you lily and on top of your health , damn tough time eh . But you can't live with that bs , that's just [email protected] .
Sorry about the situation , l dunno. l think we can get something out of knowing though that nothing will ever beat those good years you guys had , to him l mean. And somewhere down the track that bond will be back to bite him on the ass you bet.
l don't have much faith in the grass is greener stuff because l use to fall for it myself back in the younger days and it turned grey every time and those years, the bond, comes back to haunt people 9 times out of 10.

Good luck with everything and look after you too , first step, one day at a time . People will be here for you.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> the bond, comes back to haunt people 9 times out of 10.


Agreed. Maybe it's snarky on my part, but that will be the sweetest vindication I could ever get.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SawbladeLily said:


> Agreed. Maybe it's snarky on my part, but that will be the sweetest vindication I could ever get.



Yeah l know it's not going to happen every time with everyone but you do hear about it and see it a lot none the less.
Would be nice wouldn't it.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Well , we have another small step for man :smthumbup:
l was in the shed yesterday and spotted my fishing rod , which l have seen or used for years. l can't catch fish , they all hate me  , but l did use to really enjoy just the soaking up of a nice area about it, the being there.
Well here fishing's not some out in the middle of nowhere thing , we use to go along the beach. Lots of tourists walking along the beach , female ones  and lots of beautiful ocean to lap up to , sunsets .

So, l'm gonna clean up the fishing gear , rang my brother and a couple of the guys he knows and we're gonna start doing a bit of fishing some evenings .
l haven't had much of the hobby side of life for years. So at least it feels really nice to be using this time to start building on some of that stuff again . It really picks you up doesn't it , it's been wayyyy to long .
Wish l could afford a new motor bike


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> l haven't had much of the hobby side of life for years. So at least it feels really nice to be using this time to start building on some of that stuff again . It really picks you up doesn't it , it's been wayyyy to long .
> Wish l could afford a new motor bike


Good for you! I went a week ago with some friends and caught my first ever rainbow! Lots of small mouths. I used to fish a lot, but yet another thing that we did NOT have in common, so somehow those things fell away. It's so good to get back some of those things. Makes me wonder what the heck I've been doing the last decade.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SawbladeLily said:


> Good for you! I went a week ago with some friends and caught my first ever rainbow! Lots of small mouths. I used to fish a lot, but yet another thing that we did NOT have in common, so somehow those things fell away. It's so good to get back some of those things. Makes me wonder what the heck I've been doing the last decade.



Thanks lily, well l'll be and congrats on the rainbow :smthumbup:
lsn't it weird how we do that. Yet they say it's so healthy hanging onto our hobbies and interests.
Although mine wasn't x's fault , l just neglected the other side of living for a looonnngg time , weird.
little steps hey , but big ones in the whole scheme of things and they're right round here, this stuff really makes you start feeling good again.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Although mine wasn't x's fault , l just neglected the other side of living for a looonnngg time , weird.


For me too. I wasn't prevented from doing that stuff, just didn't. Another sign to me it's right to MOVE ON! Rediscovering yourself, or maybe discovering new things in yourself is one of the positive things we all need to keep in mind going through this process. I'm still trying to take the attitude that no matter what, I will be BETTER in the end.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SawbladeLily said:


> For me too. I wasn't prevented from doing that stuff, just didn't. Another sign to me it's right to MOVE ON! Rediscovering yourself, or maybe discovering new things in yourself is one of the positive things we all need to keep in mind going through this process. I'm still trying to take the attitude that no matter what, I will be BETTER in the end.



You WILL be lily and so will I :smthumbup:
l know one thing , l wanna hold on to my hobbies and stuff in the future , who ever that's with . Especially in this computer age don't you think . Where it's for some strange reason all to easy to wind up living through a stupid damn gadget instead of out in the real world. l feel so good getting back out into the world.
But more importantly l realize now it's just healthy for two people to do their stuff .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

X was suppose to be coming over Sunday to pick up D but text me to say her parents were up and could l run her home.
No dramas and me thinking l'll be clever and go well after 6 , as her parents usually leave for home about 4ish. Get there at 1/4 to 7 and here's the MIL sitting on the couch- she's staying , a week 
Well l covered well and looked pretty damn good so not having seen her since 2mths before we split , at least they won't all be talking on how bad Hawks doing.
l chatted a bit and then got the hell outa there.
X didn't even warn me for fk sake.

Where do you stand on the x inlaws. l never wanna see any of them ever , not like this.
The trouble is this week l have to pick up D for the dentist - she'll be there and l normally go over midweek and spend a few hrs with d to, she'll be there , and then l usually pick d up on Sat mornings , she'll be there.
When l drop D off next Sun night - she'll be gone , thank God . - maybe !!!!!!!!!

ls there some way we deal with in laws after a separation or D ?
The way l see it , l put up with them for 18yrs . When we were living interstate they'd come and stay for wks. Made no difference whether there was anything left to say or not after the first day , how uncomfortable anybody was , x wouldn't get rid of them. They're like a bad smell these people , they just linger and dag you, they'll drive or fly to anywhere. 
X only just went down to stay with them last w/end for 3 days and here they are staying already , a wk later. They're like that these people , they just never go away .
And every time you think your done , safe, they do this , every time.
Not one of them have rang me , since we split either , not once . But then to they are rug sweepers , they just pretend things didn't happen. Just like when they over stay by two wks .

She'll have to sleep on the couch all wk , 75. She'll be home all day on her own to because x will be working and d will be at school. lt'll make no difference , she'll stay that week and probably add a few days. No matter how much she's alone , how bored she gets They linger on , no matter what , until the end.
She'll wanna meet all d's friends , she'll go home and talk about how we all live for wks. My d , my x and what she assumes she's knows about me , which is nothing now. Then they'll all be taking about us back there for mths and their opinions on my d and her life , her friends, her school , her time with me , everything.

How do l not go through this anymore , it's not right to have those damn people forced on me and now, it was bad enough before.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Wow Hawk, That's lot of resentment. How does your D like her grandparents? For her sake, that really is all that matters. 
I have a similar situation in that the in-laws live far away, and when they come, they stay for a month, sometimes more. My kids just LOVE them. But the good news is I actually like my in-laws too, even if it is tiring to have such long stays. At least while I'm married I like them. The jury is still out on the first time they come when they are EX inlaws. But I suspect they are going to be thoroughly disgusted with STBX. They knew about the first time my POS STBX cheated. They came down on him pretty hard, and that was when they found out after we were already reconciling. (Can't wait to hear the reaction this time). I'm not sure how it will be for them to come here to see the girls the next time. 
So really if you stop and think about your D and how she feels about the grandmothers visit, can you just avoid them and give up a few days visit because the grandmother is there? Otherwise, make your Ex bring your D and pick her up. Is she the type to push your buttons? 
The best way to get around them is to be super charming and more gracious than ever to ex-MIL. That's the quickest way to disarm them. Keep them guessing.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks lily and what a relief someone dropped in and gave an opinion on this bs , thanks again. So need to figure out how l can handle the rest of the wk.
You guys are still in the same house aren't you till after xmas is that right ? 
l wouldn't mind if the MIL backed me. l think , now this is only think , that even though we all know there's no love loss , they would not agree with x doing this , especially for my d but , that's only a think. l've never fitted in with them but they do know we were always in love and l was a good dad . Bad news is l was just never comfortable around them and totally different to their family too. So l really just don't know what they think of it all , pretty sure they don't agree with divorce . But , they might be saying to her good ridden's , dunno ! Hell the other son in laws much worse than me, absolute [email protected]@/hole, treats their daughter like dirt. How fkg odd is life though hey , been together longer than us and still are!

It's always been a weird thing like they aren't actually bad people. They'll do anything for their kids and grand kids. Hell that's the main reason even at 75 they'll still drive or fly anywhere and sleep on couches . They've nearly always been good to me too as x always points out and certainly to x and my d . Really , people do much , much worse . lt's just those things l mentioned you know, they've always bugged me . 
Unfortunately , D does like them yeah. The other daughters girls are older too yet always look after my d and love her/she them. They're all she's got now to because my parents passed away a few yrs back. But l do have a huge family, they're 3hrs away though and it's been too soon ford to go all that way and with just her and me for the first time. She's only 12.
lt's just the way they appear , get into your life , face, you know. lt's really though, in a harmless just over loving way though .
My parents were pretty laid back , they'd never force themselves onto your life the way these two do so that's a more what l know , use too and do like .

Would you believe l'm flat broke though this wk unless my pay comes in, unsure. So l can't even take my d out for the night rather than stay that night.
But so although 'd miss my d , l will be taking her Thurs , so you think there'd be nothing wrong just missing our usual wed night this wk ?
X isn't really a button presser thank God and usually happy to oblige. She does tend to leave things out though , like she's not happy in our marriage , or the MIL is staying. She could drop her off on Sat though it's just that she'd know l'm avoiding mum and that might upset the apple cart.
Don't really wanna do that right now as we've been getting along well and talking a bit about things so , dunno !

So you think just be nice hey ? That is the first biggest thing l had no clue on.
like l don't wanna provoke any crap that's for sure , hell l just don't wanna see the women :rofl:
Spose l could manage that though, it'd definitely help with x and my talks too, hmmmm .
Have to mull this over , thanks lily .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

That's a relief. l've been paid for the last job but , he wants me to deliver it to. 
So that not only means better money but - l'll be away for a few days to, damn  . 
Now that's what l call timing :smthumbup:


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

The two most important things in your note:
1) Your daughter likes her grandmother.
2) You've been getting along your X.

Those 2 things alone tell me you will be best served to by being pleasant (whether it kills you or not). You might even find you MIL will support you more. She might anyway and not even show it. Blood is thicker than water, and when push comes to shove, she'll stick with her own, but no need to give her any fuel to the fire. Be the best you can be. 
My in-laws are definitely in-your-face type of people too. My FIL even tried to give me tips on house cleaning once (!). But they also have helped me tremendously in the past as my POS STBX has always traveled for work. And they will always be my 2 D's grandparents. I do have a large extended family right here, but my STBX's family is closer in age to us, and have kids my kid's age. So they always travel to see them (they live in Europe). 
As much as I sometimes feel like slapping his stupid face off, I will remain pleasant and continue to make the best relationship I can because in the end, it's going to hurt the GIRLS the most. And no amount of satisfaction can be worth hurting them more.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks lilly. Well that jobs been and gone so l got out of one meet up with her.
She'll just find a way of just creating another one instead. even if it means going to a chiropractor from sleeping on that couch :smthumbup:

But , your right - oh the pain


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