# How can u not let family( siblings) drama not affect your own married life?



## nina0007 (Jun 26, 2010)

Long time married ladies. Those of you of you in your late 30s , early 40s. I need your advice.How do you deal with the drama of your siblings and not let it affect you and your family( hubby & kids)??

I feel like this month I'm getting a crash course in adulthood. I'm 33 and I have so much to learn and I feel like I'm playing catch up. Yet at the same time I feel like I saw and went through more in 5 years than what most people see in 10. I went/ saw/overcoming ( being laid off, not working in my field for long term, getting back in my field, handling my debt and getting rid of them( lost almost everything got back on my feet), passing of a parent, financial shambles left behind from the passing parent,caring of elders,etc.)

Things are so much better in my life. In fact every week this month, I had serious job interview. At my current job that I hate, I received my sales results, I won every monthly incentive from janurary all the way to may. I was shocked! Things are going great in my life. I cant say the same about my siblings & mom. One of my sibling is going through so much that me and my other siblings are helping him out.

How can you help out without feeling drained mentally,physically, emotionally. To the point that I feel like not answering calls from mom or another one of my siblings. I'm single at this time...but now I wonder how the heck can not let this stuff affect their mood and have spill over in their own family( hubby & kids)? How do you when to back away & not help ?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

When you recognize you are not helping but enabling. I don't know what your final question has to do with husband and kids since you don't have any, but that is how you know when to back away. Helping someone is one thing but if they don't help themselves, then you have to stop. You have been through a lot so you know how many things go. If a person loses their job and needs help with some bills or groceries for a month or two, then you should help them if you can afford it. But if they are not trying to better themselves or there are no job prospects, then how long can you be expected to support them? At some point, they have to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. You should help people but not enable them. And you cannot help them so that they pull you down.

oops Sorry. I am neither 30s nor 40s.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Well, my H is pretty good at boundaries. I don't have siblings, but he does, and it's plenty! LOL!

He gives them (basically) from 7:30-8:30pm each day on the phone. This is when I put our small kids to bed. For a few years, we have had all sorts of drama - medical / terminal issues with varying family members, cancer scares, you name it! Thankfully, money isn't the issue, so we never needed to share more than time.

Then, I schedule a family day with necessary party 1ce/ month. Our kids are too young to allow them to get caught up in too much, but we visit with energy when it works. We take drawings to hang in rooms, etc.

Honestly, that's it. We do have a marriage (which doesn't say much today, really... maybe we need some drama. lol), young kids that need energy, pets, friends, you name it - it's on our list! 

HOWEVER, I think it might be a nice conversation to ask your siblings how they do it! They'd probably appreciate the chance to talk it out.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I have a bit of drama with my 2 younger siblings and my mom. I'm not sure what sort of drama you are going through with your siblings. In my situation my younger sister is under a lot of stress. She has 4 kids, her husband has been cheating on her, and one of her daughters has serious life-threaten medical issues. Due to her daughters medical condition she has many extra medical bills that her insurance does not cover and expenses such as gas to go to the doctor appointments (She has a team of 12 doctors.) So she is under TONS of stress. In fact whenever I feel bad about my life I think of what my sister is going through and I don't feel so bad. 

My sister lives in a different time zone, she always wants to call me after she puts her kids to bed so that she can have some peace and quite to talk to me--but that means calling me between 10pm-11pm. Which is hard on me since I'm usually up around 7am in the morning. For me I only take calls from her when I feel like it. I have told her this as well. That I need my sleep or I preform badly at my job. She understands and doesn't get mad at me if I can not answer. I do try to take her calls at least 3 times a week if I can and I try to call her in the afternoon when the kids are usually occupied with playing. 

My younger brother I just do not know what to do with. He is only 19 and thinks he is 10ft tall and bullet proof. My sister and I had hoped we could give him some guidance in his life and we have both tried to help him out--but he always manages to break the rules, and get into trouble. Most recently he was arrested for DUI. When he started going down this path we told him we would do what we could for him, but that he was really burning his bridges with his family. He doesn't seem to care. With the DUI he called my sister first and wanted her to come and bail him out of jail and she refused. I don't know how he got the money to get out, but he did. I worry about him, but there is nothing I can do. I gave him a chance to come and stay with me and get on his feet. We made a list of rules and he knew if he broke those rules he'd be gone. He broke them with in the first week. And it wasn't little rules it was rules like not drinking, not bringing strange people to my house....

It hurts to have to watch him destroy his life, but I had to decide not to help him. And by giving him money and a place to stay so that he could go get high, or drunk was only enabling him.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I am not in my 30's or 40's. so sorry to fail your age bracket.

My mom and I were very close, especially after she left the psychological abuse and strain of her fiance of 13 years. What has happened now is she dove into another man seeking love and approval. She's since let my brothers and me slip away in the name of her happiness, and wonders why it happened. 

I don't enable her, I rarely call her, and I don't support her behavior. instead, I check on my brothers and am there if they need it. My husband knows it bothers me, and I know if I needed it, he would sit and let me vent out all the hurt and frustration I needed to. thats enough, though. I leave those discussions to friend time, and let them talk with me about it, its not my husbands fault, and it just frustrates him that he can't fix it and it ends with his own feelings of hostility towards my mom.

I keep it from affecting our marriage by leaving it out of the marriage. It's unrelated, and stress causing for both of us (and we have enough problems thank you)

Part of what I try to uphold is knowing what is and isn't important, I let him know how my mom and siblings are doing, but also leave it at that, he doesn't need my anger and agression at them, directed at him.

its actually something I read, out of some old book about sucessful marriage tips. and its true. If I spew negative energy at him, it lingers. so I don't.


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