# Have I just lived a lie for fifteen years?



## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Tomorrow, this coming Monday-it is nine weeks since my fiance left for 'space'.
We spoke-or rather, I listened, as we had our first phone conversation on what he was feeling.
Basically he shredded me. I am shattered.
He told me he stayed because he was 'a good guy'.

I am having trouble believing that someone I looked into their eyes and thought I knew could fake love so well.
I told him "it's funny because I really felt such a good love from you. I felt really loved.'
He was quiet after that.

Then he asked for me to organise MC.

I'm wondering why-if I'm that bad a person.

Nothing makes sense today. I don't believe him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Then he asked for me to organise MC.


Why the hell should you?

He left you.
He told you he didn't love you.
He shredded you to pieces.
Now he wants YOU to organize MC?!? What's the point? So he can 'check' it off his list...yep, broke up with her (check), tried the counseling thing (check), moved on (check)...

If *HE* is so interested in MC, then HE can organize it...no excuses! IF he won't, can't, or doesn't, then I guess he isn't really ALL that interested.

Forget the MC, get yourself into IC and see what YOU want to do with YOUR life and how to move forward to achieve that.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Slowly- I hear you but there is a little more to this and I have to take my responsibility in his need to breathe.

..The first day he left, Monday the 17th September, I came home and he was just gone. No note. No call. Earlier in the day we had a crappy 'moment'. I was looking forward to two days off with him but he was distant and kept leaving to do stuff that could have waited. I went out-left him a note and it wasn't nice. Told him it was clear he didn't want me in his space and I was going to give him a little more today and go out myself. 
I know-typical naughty childish woman throwing a tantrum because she wanted her bloke to herself. We hadn't had sex in over six weeks and I was missing the hell out of him. 
So, I went and picked up stock from the city for my business and sat at the airport in the car writing him a little flip book of "lets get us back on track'.
When I got home-he was gone.

He had told our 18 year old son(his stepson) he'd be back in the morning-he needed space to clear his head. I wasn't good- he'd never left before-I had a sixth sense this was big.

After trawling the net over night, when I spoke with him the next afternoon I told him the 'space' thing was a good idea. And in a way I actually did agree. The poor bloke had been putting up with my stress head for months. He cried and I told him to take as long as he needed. He told me 'It wasn't you-It was me.'
(it's funny how you can get every textbook line in a week)

Please understand, This man has been exceptionally beautiful in character til now. Ninety percent of the time i had felt fully loved and secure in 'us'. I am nine years and three months older than him-but he always made me feel young. The age had never been an issue for him-that was more mine, but only now and then.

Many of our friends saw us as their hope in long term relationships. 
We never put each other down, always loving and super affectionate but we had our stages where weren't as close. This was just one of them in my eyes and I knew with a little effort we'd be back to the normal that we were. We were in a work/no life routine..He did shift work and I jumped online and ended up escaping in a 3d world =it didn't help, let me tell you! 
Our sex life was average_I had always had a stronger drive. But we were both over worked people who were battling financially and it always showed up in the bedroom for him. The quality was there though. I didn't complain-it just made things worse. I had learnt that in the past. 

We always called our love, a big love. 

We had been under crazy stress with my decade old business and I wasn't coping. I didn't even know the woman I had become. I was depressed, anxious and basically a nut-case who wanted out of a business that was going under. I was in my own dark place-and it's a selfish one. But I was secure in us. I had only recently told him that if we lost everything -at least we had each other and we'd make it somehow. He agreed. He told me that if he lost me he would become a hermit. 

He came on the Wednesday after he'd left, and that's where I learnt he hadn't been happy for at least two years. (huh?) Home felt like prison-(really?)he felt trapped (oh God) and he had to leave before he hated me. (heart cracks about here)
He was crying and I was barely holding it together. He left me a little money and we didn't talk of a date of return, but that he was at his brothers in the next town. There was nothing positive it seemed that he could remember about us.

Then he was gone.

I rang my accountants, got my ass to the doctors and a councelor and ten days later I closed the doors on my ten year old business to save my relationship. Now my dream home has to be sold to cover the debt. So no job, no income, no business, no bloke and about to be no home. (CRAP CRAP CRAP)

So far, I have an estimated loss of 450 thousand dollars-a now angry and cold WH and there's a little more drama which untangled as the weeks have gone on.

My brother and his wife (this is the woman who I helped deliver her babies) moved from Tasmania to be closer to me and him, after SIL's mum died (who was also a great friend to me)
Three weeks after my H left, my much loved brother (who works away in PNG-for a month to three months at a time- came to my house early in the morning to inform me that his wife no longer wanted to be married and didn't love him any more. (WTH was going on!)

He also added that he believed my other half (and one of his best friends)and his wife were possibly crossing a boundary. (Oh God!) 
my first response was "No way!'

(ps a few months before I had a dream that they were having an affair-I came out in the morning and told my WH and he said "darling its just a dream.') Makes a girl wonder though.

And anyway, after that doozy-the earth opened up and I fell in a hole. I climb out of it in a scrambled mess on an hourly basis and find my bum firmly in the pits of it a few hours later. This sucks. I have cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool and now and then I wonder if it's all my fault after all. 

Until friday of this week -we have not spoken about 'us'. But he seems ok with speaking to my SIL and my sister (she lives in china). The talk was brutal and basically he let me know it was all my fault and I should have been able to read minds it seems. *blinx* and "Im not having an affair, especially not with SIL *then how did you know if I didn;t ask?* and Im also not having a midlife crisis. (No, but I think I am now!!)

So, to date there is denial on both parties that anything immoral was/is happening and now I have my brother not speaking to me(cause he's chasing the runaway wife while thousands of miles away), nor my sisinlaw(cause she didnt like me being at her place while she wasn't there!! pfft), and my mother thinking I'm grasping at straws and 'don't forget dear you did desert us this year' (that's what she calls my depression.) 

But.... my blokes motorbike is currently hiding under her house. (apparently a brake issue-*eyebrow lift here* he was feeding her animals while she went back to Tassie for a few days) but not able to pop round the corner to visit his son. *eye roll*

I have my doubts in the truth within this mess- and I have my reasons that we are all being gaslighted- and I have never felt so frustrated nor alone. 
Pain isn't a word to cover the correct weight of what you feel when the dream of your future is ripped out from beneath you, and you had no idea it was coming.
Its been a ****e of a year.
Btw...before this business-I was a Private investigator and did this crap for a living. 

cheaters are notorious liars.

And as a woman who has been with this man since he was 22- I know what it feels like when he's not being honest. He can't look me in the eye and can barely stay here for more than five minutes before disappearing again. I feel guilt coming through his pores like a bad garlic pizza.

He has become the very man he said he'd never become.

Personally-I haven't been able to obtain any concrete evidence-(but a ton of incidentals)and as the family (including my mother) have been involved with the suspicions I think they may have stopped before going to far with their 'connection' (This is what my disrespectful SIL labelled their friendship) My reply when she told me about this was "yes, I have a connection with him too sweetheart- it's called fifteen years, three kids and a bloody big mortgage." 
My brother is no longer speaking to me as he believes he has to concentrate on saving his marriage (his wife has already told me she's out after Christmas and that she's done.)

So-we hang in the land of limbo (or a future Jerry Springer show). I know I'm not the first woman, nor the last to experience this alien place.

I refer to him now as 'New Husband' and the former as 'Old Husband'.
I am totally in love with Old husband and feel as though my soul has been stolen. 

However-New husband is totally a wanker, has amnesia and an ego, and for that now has now got all of his **** packed in garbage bags on the verandah. If he is here to stay... I will in my 46 years-stand up proud and strong and do some serious exposing should my gut instinct prove correct. I got the 'talk' finally after he visited after I had my first meltdown and took off to the beach for my own need for space for two days. My son said he stood staring at all his 'life' in bags for ages and said " I might have to throw a lot of it out I've got no room for it." 

Tough titties dude. (*oh ps..another jeuvenile thing I did was to load all his jackets with love letters he'd written to me, some from earlier this year and put them in the pockets of his favourite jackets) I know! Couldn't help it-I got my anger stage on that day- and the alternative was prawns.

Oh, and I should know how sneaky he is. I had an affair with him and left my first husband 15 years ago. The guy is a pro and he knows this rural land like no other. He infiltrates into the family as a friend and then makes his move after hubby has been gone for a bit and it all looks safe and lovely for all concerned parties and it's 'congratulations' all round. (dejavu or what?)

Karma darlings...she doesnt forget.

Ps. In all of this- I must say I did contact my XHubby number one to apologise for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I was crying like an idiot to him. He was stunned to say the least. We are great mates today and have three amazing kids. I have no regrets in my life meeting him. It also must be noted that although I now sound like i deserve this..hubby number one was having an affair for a few years prior (and he's still with her)and you could say that this is what led me to be so reckless when I fell for the toy boy. 
Please be gentle.....I am slightly (*coughs) sensitive atm.

pps. theres a blog Im writing for therapy on tumblr called 'a chick on her ass' which is this journey if you want the gory details in between


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

oh, and one more thing.... I want to go to MC (and I get to choose who) cause I really want to hear what other crap he is going to spin and Im going to ask him how he plans on removing the tattoo of me on his back.....

 cheers


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

gawd..sorry about the length of that second post. I needed to get it out x


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

No apologies needed for the long post. I think you'll just about all of our "introductory" posts are similar length. 

A frew things to prep for: 
1) Attempting to find (and possibly successfully locating) evidence won't help things in your healing process much, if at all. The first week after the bomb fell for me, i was very interested in finding more evidence of the infidelity. For what reason? What did it tell me that I did not already know (that my marriage was over and that I needed to concentrate on me, not her). 

2) You will find a lot of turn-coat friends in this. I've lost a few of mine even with them knowing of my wife's affair. Understand that it is hard for these friends (and family) to be stuck in the middle and they typically *do* have to pick sides. Staying neutral is almost impossible. 

The trick here is to make new friends. Hang on to those of your old ones who are with you, but makes new ones who hold no loyalty to anyone other than you. Recognize that making new friends takes time, but it is a healthy part of the healing process. 

Best of luck to you.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

thanks lost...
It's wierd how they justify their actions by turning you into a monster, isn't it. 
I seriously, despite being out of character with the stress-still got loads of cuddles and I love you's and vice versa.
Argh! Im so confused-
My friends have been amazing and I actually went out with a few new ones a week ago-he had a dig at me when i told him.

And I can't sleep. No trying nor hoping that he'll wake up"
And the whole MC thing he asked for? Should I do it or is there no hope?

Ps lost I hope you're doing well now


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

sad day. 

it hurts so much-

The worst thing is now i don't have the shop (but i have fixtures and fittings and stock everywhere!) is that stress lifted almost straight away. Financially its unbelievable-but once the house is gone it'll be ok. We have to work on the house to sell it and that's been the hardest thing to organise with him.

But the thing which keeps circling my mind is that I don't want the last memory of me as the stressed girl 
None of this is fair.
He told me he didn't want to hurt me and that he wouldn't leave me alone and not to worry about the house (call on the day after he left) but I have my doubts. 

Incredibly sad this morning and my son starts his end of year exams.

I've never been alone before. And at this age I'm not looking forward to it at all.

scared today


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