# Wife Smells Different--Affecting My Desire



## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

We are both in our early 50s, together over 30 years; married for 29+. I have always been a HD partner and, even though she has never matched my libido, in recent years she has tried to be more sensitive to my needs. I have always found my wife to be amazingly attractive. I could never get enough of her. There is a lot of history that I won't go into, but we spend most weeks apart due to my job, which means that weekends are the only time we have to be "together." Lately, though, I have realized that my desire for her has diminished greatly. I figured out the other day that my wife's scent has changed. I've noticed it since the weather has turned warm and between the heat and her hot flashes, she has been perspiring a lot. She also gets hot at night, which is understandable. It isn't the hot flashes, per se, that are affecting my desire for her. Rather it is how she smells afterward. She doesn't stink, but she does smell different than she used to. I can't explain it, but her scent not only doesn't excite me like it used to--it actually has killed my desire for her. My HD ways are still intact otherwise...just not fixated on her like they used to be. I'd say this has been going on the past couple of months or so. I think it is related to menopause, but guess it could be due to some of her medications--though those haven't changed recently.

So, I am wondering if any other couples have experienced this sort of menopausal change in the female partner's scent and if so, how has it affected the male's attraction to the female? More importantly, has anyone found a way to overcome this libido-killer?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It is probably the imbalance of hormones caused in menopause.

Are you speaking of her body in general or her vagina? If it's just her body, it could be from medication or menopause. If it's her vagina, it could be those two or an infection. 

Some infections aren't traceable. No signs. No real symptoms. But a different odor would signal that something is wrong, especially if it is a bad odor.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

It's her body in general. I haven't noticed any changes in how her vagina smells. Specifically, when we are lying together in bed or when I kiss her forehead after she has been hot, she smells different than she used to. I suspect it is menopause, but guess it could be something else. I am not sure how to bring it up to her without making her self-conscious around me or hurting her feelings.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You love her. She loves you. This is bothering you. It's worth bringing up. She may get upset but isn't it better than letting her smell? Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe other people can smell it too? Open dialogue sensitively but for sure you can talk about this after 30 years.

Ask if she's using a new perfume. She'll say no and ask why and say that she smells different and you aren't sure what it is. I dunno-- has she admitted she could be going through menopause? It's a touchy subject but one that should be discussed...and I'm sure since you love her, even though it will be sticky for a minute, it will work out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's on medications? Any new?

Google her medications and see if this is a side effect...then bring it up to her.

I'd want to know if my lover didn't like my smell.

I'd want to know if


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks. For the record, she doesn't have a bad smell, she just doesn't smell like "her" anymore. I will see if there's a way to bring it up casually...the perfume idea is a good one. Also may ask about hair care products.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh that's a good one too!

Just open the dialogue and mention she just smells different. Not bad, just different.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

I'd be careful in how you approach her on this. If she tends to have insecurities (and what woman doesn't?) or if she can be sensitive, you run the risk of stirring something up if you disclose that she doesn't smell like "her" anymore - and moreover, that you aren't attracted to the way she now smells. I think I'd find that a little unsettling if my husband told me that. Just sayin' proceed with care here... 

I mean, if her scent has changed because of some physiological reason over which she has no control, knowing that it is something you have taken note of, and not in a positive way could be very, very troubling to her - because there is nothing she can do about it. Could really affect her self esteem and cause her to FEEL very unattractive to you. Which could ultimately be damaging to both of you one way or another.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Is it possible that your sense of smell has been affected somehow?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

aaroncj said:


> We are both in our early 50s, together over 30 years; married for 29+. I have always been a HD partner and, even though she has never matched my libido, in recent years she has tried to be more sensitive to my needs. I have always found my wife to be amazingly attractive. I could never get enough of her. There is a lot of history that I won't go into, but we spend most weeks apart due to my job, which means that weekends are the only time we have to be "together." Lately, though, I have realized that my desire for her has diminished greatly. I figured out the other day that my wife's scent has changed. I've noticed it since the weather has turned warm and between the heat and her hot flashes, she has been perspiring a lot. She also gets hot at night, which is understandable. It isn't the hot flashes, per se, that are affecting my desire for her. Rather it is how she smells afterward. She doesn't stink, but she does smell different than she used to. I can't explain it, but her scent not only doesn't excite me like it used to--it actually has killed my desire for her. My HD ways are still intact otherwise...just not fixated on her like they used to be. I'd say this has been going on the past couple of months or so. I think it is related to menopause, but guess it could be due to some of her medications--though those haven't changed recently.
> 
> So, I am wondering if any other couples have experienced this sort of menopausal change in the female partner's scent and if so, how has it affected the male's attraction to the female? More importantly, has anyone found a way to overcome this libido-killer?


I can think of things to try:
1) encourage her to shower a lot, maybe with you in there providing sudsing duty
2) take her shoping to an expensive perfume shop and find her one that you find stimulating...one that is not overpowering, but pleasant and spicy to you.
3) do a lot of oral sex on her. I am convinced, based on the huge number of men who love it, that there are sex pheromones excreted in the vaginal fluids. Those should kick-start your lust for her body. Just think of it as kinky "aroma therapy"


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks to all who have replied. I am quite concerned about doing something that hurts her or makes her feel unattractive, as justfabulous cautions. That is why I haven't said anything up to now. 

T&T--I don't think my sense of smell has changed, but I guess that is possible. I haven't noticed any changes to how other familiar things smell to me (e.g., our dog, the house, my children, etc.). 

Thanks also, Murphy, for the suggestions. The perfume idea is one I've considered as well, but she rarely wears any perfume, even the rather expensive stuff I picked out for her a couple years ago. She has never been one for showering together much, so that would likely just sound to her like I am telling her she needs a shower. As for oral sex, that is always on the menu.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Vanilla is a scent most men like. Buy her a vanilla flavoured kit of body wash, body gel and the matching perfume, The Body Shop, if you have it there makes an excellent line. 

I do believe that people do smell different as they age, I think I read somewhere that there is a chemical change. 

But don't mention it to her, she would be really hurt. If she uses the new products then just compliment her on how wonderful she smells.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

aaroncj said:


> She has never been one for showering together much, so that would likely just sound to her like I am telling her she needs a shower.


the presentation is everything. Which do you think would work better:

a) "lets shower together, honey, because .... you need it"

b) "I read online that women can have amazing orgasms in the shower with their husband, lets try...right now!"


btw, I have found "summer's eve cleansing wash" to be the perfect thing to suds up her privates with. Nice and slippery, and ph balanced to not cause any yeasty like problems. DON'T use plain soap down there.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks indiecat and thanks again, Murphy. I appreciate the coaching, Murphy, but if I said that to her she would just laugh at my desperate attempt to get her into the shower. She does not orgasm from PIV intercourse so the shower-orgasm connection would be a hard sell for her.

Also, the scent issue isn't in her vaginal area. It is how "she" smells to me now. It's her face, her hair, her skin.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I think your guess at menopause is correct. If she is hot flashing showering together isn't going to help, she will just have another hot flash.

I went through a period of time during perimenopause where I stunk something awful. I have never perspired before, never sweated and never stunk. It was horrible. I couldn't even wash it off in the shower.......

Perimenopause is bad enough, and depending on what her level of symptoms are, your complaining could add to her aggravation about the whole thing, believe me, she doesn't like the hot flashes or the smell either.

You could have a discussion about her entering into perimenopause and see what her thoughts are. Does she plan on going through it naturally or is she interested in herbs, vitamins, diet or hormones to try to curb some of the symptoms? If she is interested in hormones there are some new bio-identical ones out there now that work real good for some people. Progesterone is the first one she will need, as that is the first hormone that starts to go.

the scent of cinnamon is an aphrodisiac for men, maybe you can light some scented candles?

Menopause is a long hard road for some women. I went through perimenopause for 8 years and I am now 2 years post menopause and I am still having hot flashes. My body has changed, my mind has changed, my emotions and my outlook on life. I know I have changed, I don't need any one telling me.

On a side note, men also go through the change, it is called andropause, you will have changes she will need to adapt to, and who knows what those will be......


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

I have a suggestion as to how you can possibly approach the subject.

Are you close to your children, if you have any? Close enough to tell one of them you detect an offensive odor from mom? If so, ask if they've detected any unusual scents. (For one- Just to make certain your sense of smell is in order.) Especially if you have a daughter and are close to her, ask her to help. Us girls do not want mom smelling. Maybe your daughter can help break the ice and tell mom something is a little off. 

You say you detect the scent while kissing her. Could it be hair products maybe? If she sweats profusely in her head/hair that alone can be offensive if not shampooed on a regular basis. And if she wears wigs/hairpieces of any kind, that alone will cause double offense. My hair is super thick and must be let down and loosed everyday to allow an air flow to remain odor free on the days I do not shampoo, sweat or no sweat. 

I am sure she changes her clothing everyday and not wear them twice before washing? If not, that could be one of the culprits too. Before the profuse sweating (if that is her case) she may have been able to wear an outfit twice. Not so much now.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

One additional suggestion in tracking down what may explain the change in smell - does she take any herbal supplements/ nutritional supplements? Off the top of my head, I know of a few that can cause a mild odor around an individual (as you say, in hair, on skin, in urine, etc). Some women take Fenugreek capsules, for instance, because it helps thicken hair, can stop the growth of unwanted hair on chin or upper lip, and just generally balances hormones - however, for some people it does result in a mild odor around them. 

Also, in some cases, diet can be a factor in causing an unusual, not necessarily offensive, odor around a person. For instance, some people who consume a lot of onions, garlic, or spices (such as turmeric/ curcumin, curry, as examples). 

Again, just suggesting this in case it helps you identify the reason - but as I said before, telling her could be quite hurtful to her so I'm not advocating that.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I wonder of this is some sort of biological mechanism whereby subliminally you mind is conditioned to suspect extra-marital stuff. Not saying she is going out prowling for other men, just wondering if you mind is telling you to beware of suspicious activity. You didn't necessarily say the odor stinks but that she simply doesn't smell like the woman you know. Just a thought
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

aaroncj said:


> She does not orgasm from PIV intercourse so the shower-orgasm connection would be a hard sell for her.
> 
> 
> > soap up her breasts and her vagina with your hands. That is all you need to do in there.
> ...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

KendalMintcake said:


> I wonder of this is some sort of biological mechanism whereby subliminally you mind is conditioned to suspect extra-marital stuff. Not saying she is going out prowling for other men, just wondering if you mind is telling you to beware of suspicious activity. You didn't necessarily say the odor stinks but that she simply doesn't smell like the woman you know. Just a thought
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasn't going to make him worry. But yes, a woman's scent does change when she aligns herself with another man.

I think in this case it may be the menopause.


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## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

that_girl said:


> You love her. She loves you. This is bothering you. It's worth bringing up. She may get upset but isn't it better than letting her smell? Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe other people can smell it too? Open dialogue sensitively but for sure you can talk about this after 30 years.
> 
> Ask if she's using a new perfume. She'll say no and ask why and say that she smells different and you aren't sure what it is. I dunno-- has she admitted she could be going through menopause? It's a touchy subject but one that should be discussed...and I'm sure since you love her, even though it will be sticky for a minute, it will work out.


This... expert advice!


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks again to all who posted. 

So, I followed some of your advice and think it has been a success. I took advantage of the holiday weekend with our older, married daughter, who is also in medical school. She often reports to us things she learns or situations she's encountered in some of her clinical experiences. Anyway, I got her to bring up that as women age and enter menopause they will sometimes have a different smell--especially to those close to them. She didn't go into great detail but it was enough for my wife to ask me if she smelled different to me. I responded that yes, I had noticed something different and that she didn't always smell like "her" anymore. Later last evening she asked if I was offended by her change in smell and I assured her she didn't stink...she just didn't smell quite like the same person, which was a bit confusing to me sexually. 

The message was sent and I don't think she is overly concerned about it, but she is now aware, which will make it possible to have further conversations on the issue--especially since we are getting ready to get away for a trip with just the two of us next week.

Again, thanks for everyone's input.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

So being that it is biological, connected to menopause, what do you expect her to do about it? What if there is nothing she can do? Even if she took hormones, doesn't mean it will change the smell back to "her".

I have been through menopause and know that I don't smell the same, but there is nothing I can do about it. Do you want her to feel bad because she smells different? Do you want her to shower right before bed every night so her smell doesn't bother you?

What exactly are you hoping to gain from her added knowledge of her sent and further conversations? I am not trying to be hostile here, just want you to really think about it before you bring it up to her again.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Has she changed anything in her diet? When my wife eats certain oriental and asian foods, I can smell it on her skin because it comes thru her pores. When she sweats...it then translates to her clothes and it gets worse. I can't stand the smell...and I tell her that she "smells different". She can't smell it on herself, but I sure can. 

Could it be something like a change in diet with her? For me, I have a very good sense of smell. Being turned off by the smell of the women you love is not a fun thing. I totally understand.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

To Justher: I appreciate your advice to be thoughtful and cautious in discussing this with my wife. That is a major reason for my seeking input on this forum. So far, only you and one or two others have shared a common experience with this issue. 

I want to have it out in the open with my wife not because it "bothers" (it doesn't offend me). Rather, it is because I believe it is affecting my libido as expressed in my desire for her. She has made a few comments in passing over the past couple of weeks about my lessened interest in sex. Should I lie and let her worry about the reasons for my lack of desire, such as my possibly having an affair or that I may be having a serious health issue?

It's because I don't want to offend or worry her that I brought this up in the first place.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

To INoticeTheDetails: Nothing has changed in diet that I know of. And, to be clear, I am not turned "off" by her scent. It's just that I don't seem to be turned on by her as I have always been. It's like she smells like a different woman at times.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

To be honest, I don't think I would want my husband to tell me. I think I would be devastated. Menopause can be a very emotional time for a woman and then be told that my husband isn't attracted to me because of something I can't control. Wow, horrible. I hope your wife is doing okay.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

*OK, I tried to be polite and thought provoking, but I will talk to you straight.*



aaroncj said:


> To Justher: I appreciate your advice to be thoughtful and cautious in discussing this with my wife. That is a major reason for my seeking input on this forum. So far, only you and one or two others have shared a common experience with this issue.
> 
> I want to have it out in the open with my wife not because it "bothers" (it doesn't offend me). Rather, it is because I believe it is affecting my libido as expressed in my desire for her. She has made a few comments in passing over the past couple of weeks about my lessened interest in sex. Should I lie and let her worry about the reasons for my lack of desire, such as my possibly having an affair or that I may be having a serious health issue?
> 
> It's because I don't want to offend or worry her that I brought this up in the first place.


You don't want to offend her, yet you are going to tell her that her smell, which there is nothing she can do about, gives you a limp ****? Doesn't matter that she is still the same person, that she is still beautiful, kind and caring - but the fact that her smell is causing you to not desire her sexually? I guess that would be equal to her telling you that she no longer desires you sexually because you sweat.

Again, what are you hoping to gain? Do you want her to feel inadequate? Loose her sensuality? Or maybe feel just plain ugly?

There is nothing she can do about it. YOU have to do something. Light scented candles, buy her some body spray of scents you like, buy do something.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks again, JustHer and SoccerMom.

I thank you for your comments. It seems like I have offended you somehow by being honest and asking questions. Such were never my intentions. I have been a patient, loving, supportive, and passionate husband and lover. I am not insensitive nor am I uncaring. In fact, I am and have been more than patient, supportive, and understanding.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

aaroncj said:


> To Justher: I appreciate your advice to be thoughtful and cautious in discussing this with my wife. That is a major reason for my seeking input on this forum. So far, only you and one or two others have shared a common experience with this issue.
> 
> I want to have it out in the open with my wife not because it "bothers" (it doesn't offend me). Rather, it is because I believe it is affecting my libido as expressed in my desire for her. She has made a few comments in passing over the past couple of weeks about my lessened interest in sex. Should I lie and let her worry about the reasons for my lack of desire, such as my possibly having an affair or that I may be having a serious health issue?
> 
> It's because I don't want to offend or worry her that I brought this up in the first place.


It shouldn't offend her. It's pretty much you used to smell her smell and get super horny behind it.

Now the smell is not like her at all, it's like it's someone elses smell.

You know how they say pineapples, cranberry's and good amounts of water make sperm smell and taste differently.

It works on women too.

Plus when they smoke, somehow it gets down there and is not pleasant.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

aaroncj said:


> Thanks again, JustHer and SoccerMom.
> 
> I thank you for your comments. It seems like I have offended you somehow by being honest and asking questions. Such were never my intentions. I have been a patient, loving, supportive, and passionate husband and lover. I am not insensitive nor am I uncaring. In fact, I am and have been more than patient, supportive, and understanding.


aaroncj, you are not offending me at all. Only you know the relationship you have with your wife. What I am trying to tell you is that if it was something she was eating, or a different perfume, something she had control of, that would be one thing. She could say "hay, I am sorry, didn't know that was causing problems, I will not eat that any more".

But it is not. It is something she has no control over. What to do you expect her to say? "Gosh honey, I am sorry my smell turns you off and you don't sexually desire me any more, do you want me to sleep in a different room because you don't like the smell of me any more? Am I so repelling that you really don't get turned on with me any more?" 

I am just trying to give you a heads up on how it might, inadvertently, cause her to feel rejected by you. I am trying to get you to think very carefully before you say something you will not be able to take back, which could cause serious damage to your relationship.

I feel bad for you that this is causing so much grief for you. But it is not like she can just take a shower and fix it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I was just curious is this smell "less sexy"? Have you ever smelled another woman with a more similar smell?


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