# Dealing with dementia / nocturnal eating



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

MIL has dementia. 

BIL & SIL live with her in an effort to keep her safe. An aide comes in 2 days per week. At night MIL gets up, wanders the house & binge eats things, including things she shouldn't. (MIL is lactose intolerant) 

For example, this past weekend was SIL's birthday. I baked her a cake. Two other friends bought her cakes. Last night MIL ate all 3 cakes & a quart of ice cream. There will be messy gastro-intestinal complications as a result of the ice cream consumption. SIL only got a few slices of the cake I made because that was served after dinner. Other cakes were just in the 'fridge. 

SIL is fragile to begin with; resents having to be part of MILs care; and is now furious about this latest affront. 

Does anybody have any meaningful suggestions about how to keep MIL out the fridge at night?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Refrigerator Lock | Fridge Padlock I Alzstore


Buy heavy duty refrigerator locks online. Practice senior kitchen safety with heavy duty fridge padlocks that protect your loved one from everyday hazards.



www.alzstore.com


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Thanks for that @minimalME . I was thinking refrigerator lock but fear some kind of retribution. I'm afraid that somebody may accuse me of starving her or something. That is not the case. Everybody would have happily given her slices of cake. Since the suggestion is from alzstore, that puts me even more at ease.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I completely understand.

It's so easy for others to make hasty (nasty) judgements, but you know what kind of person you are.

And so many have to deal with these types of situations in isolation.

I helped with my grandmother, who had dementia, and no one will probably care about your mother-in-law as much as you and your few family members.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Can you all chip in to hire assistance a few nights per week? Or maybe midnight to 6 AM? That might take a bit of the stress off your BIL and SIL - they likely are sleep deprived and this could be a compromise.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

There is no "chipping in". DH & I already pay for the house, insurance, food & the utilities. We have no more $$ to give & nobody else has funds. 

The lock is much cheaper.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Oh, I wasn’t aware of all that. Ugh. I wonder how she will react to the lock, though.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

She will attempt to open it & when that doesn't work she will give up. She's pretty far gone & easily distracted / redirected.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This is a tough thing to go through, hopefully the lock will help the situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Thanks for that @minimalME . I was thinking refrigerator lock but fear some kind of retribution. I'm afraid that somebody may accuse me of starving her or something. That is not the case. Everybody would have happily given her slices of cake. Since the suggestion is from alzstore, that puts me even more at ease.


How old is the mother-in-law and why can't she eat? Is not eating going to solve some problem she has?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> ...why can't she eat? Is not eating going to solve some problem she has?





D0nnivain said:


> At night MIL gets up, wanders the house & *binge eats things*, including things she shouldn't. (*MIL is lactose intolerant*)
> 
> *Last night MIL ate all 3 cakes & a quart of ice cream.* There will be *messy gastro-intestinal complications* as a result of the ice cream consumption.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

To me it sounds like she's either not getting enough food or not getting enough of a kind of food she likes.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How old is the mother-in-law and why can't she eat? Is not eating going to solve some problem she has?


MIL is relatively young: 72. 

She has diabetes, high blood pressure & IBS so 2 full sized cakes designed to feed 8-10 people each & a 1/2 gallon of ice cream are going to cause gastrointestinal problems. She is offered reasonable choices all day long, 3 meals plus snacks & she is always asked if she would like more. She is also offered a variety of beverages throughout the day. Anytime anybody in the house eats anything they offer her some. Nobody is depriving her of anything. 

She can access the 'fridge & pantry during day but nobody would let her eat a whole cake, let alone 2. If somebody was eating cake, she would have been offered a slice or two if she was still hungry. 

I was reluctant to lock the 'fridge but after minimalME's post above & a quick perusal of the alz.org web site, that seems to be the best option. I had fears that by putting a lock on the 'fridge somebody would accuse us of starving her or something.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

D0nnivain said:


> I had fears that by putting a lock on the 'fridge somebody would accuse us of starving her or something.


If anyone complains to you or accuses you of anything, create a sign up list, so they can take shifts and help with her care.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> MIL is relatively young: 72.
> 
> She has diabetes, high blood pressure & IBS so 2 full sized cakes designed to feed 8-10 people each & a 1/2 gallon of ice cream are going to cause gastrointestinal problems. She is offered reasonable choices all day long, 3 meals plus snacks & she is always asked if she would like more. She is also offered a variety of beverages throughout the day. Anytime anybody in the house eats anything they offer her some. Nobody is depriving her of anything.
> 
> ...


So is she on insulin?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> MIL is relatively young: 72.
> 
> She has diabetes, high blood pressure & IBS so 2 full sized cakes designed to feed 8-10 people each & a 1/2 gallon of ice cream are going to cause gastrointestinal problems. She is offered reasonable choices all day long, 3 meals plus snacks & she is always asked if she would like more. She is also offered a variety of beverages throughout the day. Anytime anybody in the house eats anything they offer her some. Nobody is depriving her of anything.
> 
> ...


I would say find out what kind of food she was used to eating that she is missing because you know people do get used to their own type of foods and aren't fulfilled by someone else's necessarily. Maybe ask her what her favorite recipe was that she used to make for herself. I can't imagine having to eat somebody else's food instead of the foods I love, and she's only 2 years older than me.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

In 14 years of marriage all I have ever seen that woman eat is chicken fingers & whatever else I made & put in front of her. When she was still aware I asked her a few times what her favorites were she always said chicken fingers. She made me a lasagna once & another time a pot roast. She gets both of those at least once every 2-3 weeks. She gets chicken practically every other day. 

She is not on insulin. Her sugar is not that bad, at least it wasn't before she ate 2 cakes. She always had a sweet tooth. 

Remember I am trying to balance needs here from 1700 miles away. My SIL who resents being there & now didn't get to eat her birthday cakes vs. my MIL who can't be left alone.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@D0nnivain ,

I realize you're trying to balance this from 1700 miles away, but I'd like to reassure you that your MIL may accuse you of any number of things, but she is not in her sound mind. She may accuse you of being an alien, a professional baseball player, or a hussy...and none of those things would be true. So if she accuses you of starving her or "forcing" her to eat (or not eat) things...again, that doesn't necessarily mean it's true. 

I worked for years in a nursing home in "the pysch ward" where the dementia patients were, and I got paid extra because they unsettled and unnerved a lot of people. Some, in their dementia, will live in the past or think some of their loved ones are still alive. Some are abandoned by their own kids or families and they live with people who aren't there any longer. Some will scream bloody murder, fire and brimstone, spouting bible verses and accusing everyone of trying to have sex! Some look inot nerf balls to tell the future. None of them are in their right mind. 

And all any person can do for them is the best they can, knowing in their heart-of-hearts that no matter what they imagine or believe or shout from the rooftops--in real life they were treated with dignity and with what was in their best interest. 

It really is not in her best interest to allow a diabetic, IBS woman with dementia to eat 3 cakes and a quart of ice cream. She's going to be VERY sick, even if her mind doesn't register it. YOU know it and SIL knows it and those who are of sound mind know it. So get a lock for the fridge and the cupboards, see if there isn't some way to keep her from "wandering" in the dark of night, and do what's best for her. 

Final note to self: my aunt lived at home until she was in her 90's and she was blind. I stayed in her home with her to give stay-at-home aid and the two of us got along well together. Well, she got up at night to "wander" and tripped on a rug and broke her arm. So don't take this lightly. She realy could injure herself, and at that older age, recovery is VERY difficult!


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Give the lock a try. Have a food log kept that lists each day what MIL is offered and what she ends up eating.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Is it only an issue because of the ice cream and cake this time? I get that they'll make her sick because of her IBS. Sounds like the cake was a one off, could they buy lactose free ice cream? If she does eat it at least it won't make her sick?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Is it only an issue because of the ice cream and cake this time? I get that they'll make her sick because of her IBS. Sounds like the cake was a one off, could they buy lactose free ice cream? If she does eat it at least it won't make her sick?


I guess IBS affects different people different ways. My mom had it and it didn't make her quit anything and it didn't make her have uncontrolled bowels in the sense of making a mess. She felt clogged a lot.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> In 14 years of marriage all I have ever seen that woman eat is chicken fingers & whatever else I made & put in front of her. When she was still aware I asked her a few times what her favorites were she always said chicken fingers. She made me a lasagna once & another time a pot roast. She gets both of those at least once every 2-3 weeks. She gets chicken practically every other day.
> 
> She is not on insulin. Her sugar is not that bad, at least it wasn't before she ate 2 cakes. She always had a sweet tooth.
> 
> Remember I am trying to balance needs here from 1700 miles away. My SIL who resents being there & now didn't get to eat her birthday cakes vs. my MIL who can't be left alone.


Well, she doesn't sound diabetic. Maybe prediabetic. You can be on Metformin as prediabetic and still eat some sweets. I've been on it for years now and eat whatever I want and so far, so good. Not a whole cake and ice cream though! That is the dementia talking. 

Chicken fingers, yuck. But at least they're easy to pick up somewhere. All that grease could be the source of her incontinence, if that's what it is. Too much fried stuff upsets my stomach. I don't crave it except for burgers and fries, though, so lucky I guess.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> In 14 years of marriage all I have ever seen that woman eat is chicken fingers & whatever else I made & put in front of her. When she was still aware I asked her a few times what her favorites were she always said chicken fingers. She made me a lasagna once & another time a pot roast. She gets both of those at least once every 2-3 weeks. She gets chicken practically every other day.
> 
> She is not on insulin. Her sugar is not that bad, at least it wasn't before she ate 2 cakes. She always had a sweet tooth.
> 
> Remember I am trying to balance needs here from 1700 miles away. My SIL who resents being there & now didn't get to eat her birthday cakes vs. my MIL who can't be left alone.


If she is taking herself to the restroom and you fear her falling, you might get a bedside toilet. It's a mess for those who have to empty it, of course, but if it might prevent a mess in any way.....that and those pads are quite effective you put under them. 

If she can't get in the fridge, she'll probably wake everyone up trying, though. Maybe a small bedside fridge in her room stocked with little snacks or a drawer with cheese crackers, peanut butter, cookies. Anything crackery or bready or potatoey is better for settling upset bowels, I've found. Hunk of cheese or cheese slices. But granted, everyone is different.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Cheese doesn't work well for her. Having good snacks easily accessible is fine. She's not unstable so there is no need for the toilet in the bedroom. The problem is more that sometimes her brain doesn't properly signal she has to go so she just releases where ever she is. We're getting her depends / poise type underwear to mitigate that issue 

My immediate concern was more is it OK to make the 'fridge harder to open. Consensus seems to be if that is in her best interest then it's fine.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Eating in the middle of the night was a revelation I received from my Ex. I was onboard with the plethora of diets she would be on.. to the point of eating all meat, or just vegetables, or no gluten... they were endless. I was totally unaware that in the middle of the night she was eating everything she shouldn't. Here I am, totally supporting whatever diet she was currently on and she was cheating on them. My opinion on my Ex is that it had a lot to do with her depression. Had I gotten her help, this might not have been an issue.

Your challenge is age in my opinion. At this point what can you do? Most older folks (I am one of them) are really set in their ways. Seeing a therapist to most older folks might be taken as an afront to them.

You yourself might want to seek some advice from a mental health professional, they might be able to shed some light on what to do.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@HarryBosch Thank you for sharing your perspective. MIL has diagnosed dementia. No amount of therapy will change the situation Her brain is no longer functioning properly & never will again. She does not know today is Sunday. 

My mother had dementia so on some level I understand the situation. The nocturnal eating is new. I was looking for insight about whether people thought putting a child safety lock on the refrigerator& freezer was a smart way to keep her safe or was some form of elder abuse. 

Dementia is not a mental heath issue. It's a neurological one. The doctor cares about the shrinking plaque covered brain but they have little concern for the manifestations at home. Most would suggest we institutionalize her but can't afford that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My dad got dementia early and was in a nursing home for 15 years because he lived to be 93. At first we did home care for him using his money but after he threw a walker at a home care person and ran off on his riding lawn mower to the liquor store, we had no choice. He would get violent if anyone tried to stop him from doing what he wanted to do and what he wanted to do was drink. I am lucky in that he didn't start that while I was still living at home. My mother and him having to have a day job kept him from degenerating as early. 

I think it's possible if he got his dementia or at least part of it from paint fumes because he was always painting cars as a hobby. 

He thought he was about 19 and didn't recognize any of his family. Even though divorced my mother lived in a close enough area that she checked in on him once in awhile as did a couple of other relatives. But he didn't know any of them. He thought the nursing home was where his employment was and thought it was a used car lot or something. Have the administrator said every now and then he came in the office to see if he could get a loan to buy one of the cars.


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## Lolyfany (2 mo ago)

I like the idea of having snacks in the room. Even if you close the fridge, no one can accuse you of being harsh with MIL. Although, I see no basis for such accusations because your stories testify to providing her with a good and varied diet. If she wants to eat at night, let her eat some gluten-free snacks that she can easily see. I think this is a good way out. I know how difficult it is to force a person who secretly empties the refrigerator at night to take Festal after overeating. So it's better for her to have free access to snacks than cakes. Good luck!


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