# Wife has left me, should I have hope



## bxh (Nov 15, 2015)

About 2 years ago my wife and I got into a fight, she had been texting a male co-worker alot and was concealing (I have had jealously issues in the past) but i do not think she cheated on me-though I was angry. a few weeks later we fought about another subject of which the first issue was brought up. There was yelling and screaming and she said she was leaving. I followed her into the room, she pushed me to get out of the way and I pushed her back and she fell backwards. (I did a horrible thing I know) She left for the night and came back the next day. For many months we argued daily about both of our wrongs until we decided to go to a counselor. We went for three sessions but only felt worse after so we stopped going. Slowly things started to get better, but then we settled into a rut. we would take trips together and barley argue. Until 2 weeks ago, we both has too much to drink, and I started to talk about having children (I want them) and she stated that she did not think she did anymore (She did want them alot 3 years ago) I talked about us needing to make choices ect. The arguement ended and then the last week we had some drinks and had another arguement. This time it started about me giving her food to eat she had not asked for (the bigger issue was that she felt I was controlling her) after retrospect though not intentional I did have behaviors of control like making decisions with out her ect. She had mentioned it many times before and I did not listen or really listen. She also stated that I was not supportive of her going out with her friends when she wanted to or that she would be afraid to tell me she wanted to go out because I might be mad. Then it came back to the babies comments from the week before an she stated she did not know if she wanted to have kids at all and said I deserved better then that and that she was leaving. We drunkenly argued she said she had thought about for a long time, but she left. Over the next week I would try to text her though-out the day, but she kept saying she was not ready, I would ask her to coffee and or at least speak on the phone and she said no. After 5 days she text me saying that she needed to pick up some more things from home on Sunday (it was Thursday) and after reading that I want into a panic texting how I would change and how I see all the things I was doing to hurt her. She replied only a few times to my text explosions all with negative things like "we've tried before" ect. Before saying she couldnt talk about us anymore that day. Later that night I did text her to tell her I got a new job and that I wanted to tell her because she was the one I always spoke to about these things. That was a short converation but when I ended it with I love you she did not say it back like all the other conversations earlier that week. The next day I sent her flowers explaining how I felt that we should work and try. She did not respond. I text her later to ask he for a short phone call and she said no, that we would talk on Sunday. I did not text her again before acknowledging her text that she was almost there and asked me to leave shortly while she collected some things and then for me to come back so we could talk. Before she had come over I wrote out an empathy letter to her saying how she must have fealt when her expectation were not met and how she felt about my poor behaviors like not being supportive (but never cheating) I said it to her and she said thanks. We talked about some of the problems and I told her I understood why she had to leave for her own emotional survival because she had not been happy in a while. We calmey split up the bank account and phones. And said I could keep the house. We did not talk about signing papers or lawyers but she did say that though it had been hard she feels a little stronger about herself now. I told her I understood and we talked about moving forward and how since she left the prior week I started seeing a counselor. She said that she was thinking about seeing one too.but then she said She is currently living with a girl friend and said she would starting looking for an apartment soon. When she was getting ready to leave she offered me a hug and we both said that we loved each other always and looked to see she still had her wedding ring on. Through the window I saw her crying as she left. Though everything I did not cry and tried to stay very supportive of her choice, but I wanted to beg her to stay, but did not. 

I desperately want my wife and life back. IS there any hope? Is there anything I can do?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If all you do is argue then why bother? Sounds like not enough maturity to have an adult discussion.

You are correct. Never cry or beg. It makes you look weak and unattractive 

Hard to say. There is always hope but if she left you know separation almost always leads to divorce.

If she's messaging to a coworker and concealing there probably is something there. Red flag at least. It may be over anyway.

All you can do at this point is be there to talk and stop the Childish fights. How's that worked for you???????

In the meantime check your phone bills for messages, calls to a particular number. Check your PC too. May be nothing but at least get that possibility out of the way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry you are here. 

Hope it works out.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is a crappy wife. Simple as that. There's literally millions of them for you to choose from. If you smarten up, you'll choose a better one next time. This one is a write off.

Texting males and hiding it from you, then calling you controlling?! LOL! Textbook cheater.

She's most likely having fun with or fantasizing about some other "coworker" as we speak. Once she finds the grass to be not much greener, she'll come back to you and reel you back in. The process will repeat a few times until:

1. You smarten up and kick the b1tch to the curb
2. She finds a better fool than you and stops bothering you

You can choose to take option #1 as of today and stop this miserable life. Every single day you waste on this woman and this marriage will become a painful source of regret.

Choose wisely. Divorce her yesterday. Tomorrow will be late.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

Let me offer you a different perspective. It's based on my own and writing this is just as much therapy for myself as it is hopes that it might help you. First remember that no one knows all of the details and intricacies of your marriage. Yes there are patterns and signs we use in human behavior to predict likely outcomes, but the individual is capable of remarkable change.

You and your wife exhibit a lot of lack of maturity when it comes to communication and how you handle your feelings. I was always the same way and it proved to be to the detriment of my marriage. I was fine in good times, but under pressure I couldnt handle the "negative" emotions.

It sounds like you want your wife back even though she's cheated and both of you had a volatile relationship for sometime. None of those problems just happened one day. They built up over time or were there from the start. Probably a combination of both.

You more than likely had a role in your wife wanting to seek attention and approval from another man. It's just true. Whether you paid her less attention than you should, or stopped trying to rekindle the attraction and romance in the relationship. I had my reasons for betraying my spouse, some were valid I think. Where I went wrong was always acting on my feelings instead of talking to my wife first. I never tried to get help for or reach out to her when I felt neglected.

Granted, part of me was just an *******. But that's changed.

Long story short, my wife and I are dating. It's casual - no committment to reconciling yet. I've entered into several programs to help me with my problems because I recognized I had many. My wife doesnt trust me and I dont deserve trust yet.

Be the man you should be. Examine yourself and get therapy for this time in your life. Open yourself up to hear your wife's complaints about you. Find a way to suggest she do the dame with you. Then take it from there. Dont start with the end goal in mind. Take it slow.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

"You more than likely had a role in your wife wanting to seek attention and approval from another man."

I disagree. I don't care what kind of problems you have. Cheating is not an option. You chose to cheat. The both of you are 50% responsible for the problems in the marriage. But you are 100% responsible for an affair. No one deserves that guilt but the cheater and only the cheater.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> "You more than likely had a role in your wife wanting to seek attention and approval from another man."
> 
> I disagree. I don't care what kind of problems you have. Cheating is not an option. You chose to cheat. The both of you are 50% responsible for the problems in the marriage. But you are 100% responsible for an affair. No one deserves that guilt but the cheater and only the cheater.


That's why I qualified my statement by saying that the choice to ACT upon how I FELT was ultimately my decision and I take 100% responsibility for that.

But I've also recognized that I felt distance from my wife and needed more emotional and physical intimacy. She had withdrawn from me because of how I was acting and I don't feel she really expressed her feelings to me in a way that made me realize that her withdrawing was a result of MY actions. I just didn't see how who I was pushed her away. We both needed to have better lines of communication with each other.

She needed to really sit me down and express her feelings, address her problems with how I was treating her and acting. I needed to listen to what she was saying and realize that me feeling distant and inadequate wasn't her fault, it was mine.

I would never blame the other spouse where an affair is concerned. My point was from reading on these forums and my own experience, it's rarely a in-the-moment decision, rather it's a result of a systematic breakdown of communication and the distancing of two people. The spouse with the weaker character and most flaws usually snaps first and acts on those weaknesses and flaws.

That's just me reflecting on my own situation and that of the stories I've read on here.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Ok 

I agree. My marriage had the same type of communication issues and the pushing of each other away. However my now ex tried to make it appear I was at fault for it all and feels I am to blame for her cheating. 

I took most of the blame prior to discovering her cheating. Now that I found out what she was doing I have lifted most of that burden off my shoulders. Nothing I did , or did not do, was cause for cheating. If she was that unhappy she should have just left. But she chose to see out someone or to take a relationship too far. I wont take responsibility for that.

Besides we have 2 kids. Regardless of what I was doing or what problems we had. They did not and do not deserve this. She now has to live with the disgrace in her children's eyes.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok
> 
> I agree. My marriage had the same type of communication issues and the pushing of each other away. However my now ex tried to make it appear I was at fault for it all and feels I am to blame for her cheating.
> 
> ...


Well the ideal is that when a spouse becomes that unhappy, they first reach out to their H/W and explain how they feel and that they'd like to do whatever it takes to resolve those feelings.

That's where my (and sounds like your W's) character flaws and immaturity were stronger than our desire to be honest, decent people.

Right after my W found out, I still was in that fog of denial about my role and what it really said about me as a person. Now I accept 100% blame for my actions and accept that I wasted the time I could have built a stronger relationship with my wife. BXH's wife and your wife will have to do the same at some point or just be stuck in the same patterns in their relationships.

The catalyst for me actually seeing my fault and wanting to change was my wife just walking away from me and our marriage. I became so desperate that I would actually consider my role and accept my blame/faults, then enter into IC, AA and forums like these.

BXH can't make it easy on his wife and rush into the relationship just for the sake of avoiding how he feels right now in the day-to-day. That seems to be what causes problems in the first place. He has to look to the future, accept that it may be without his wife, then start acting like a strong man that his wife will have to respect. Maybe then she would accept her faults and change in a way that lets them start the road to recovery.

My wife and I are dating and taking it slow/casually. Every day I want to rush it and just be back together and living together. If I press the issue she reminds me she and I have to stay in the present. It's a f**king ROUGH place to be but the growth and change is there, it's just slow and I'm very used to pursuing a path of least resistance. Now I'm swimming against the current towards and uncertain end. @bxh has to realize that's what he is up against as well, but that he's not without control and options


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Well my wife is gone. She filed for divorce, gave me all kinds of excuses how it was my fault and I have not found out she was cheating.

I don't want her back. Could never trust her again. She is living it up I guess with her new boyfriend. I have the kids for 3 weeks while she is "taking a vacation". 

I wish there was a way for us to piece this all back together and work it out. But its a lost cause. Aint never gonna happen. It hurts more than anything in the world.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

bxh said:


> Until 2 weeks ago, we both has too much to drink, and I started to talk about having children (I want them) and she stated that she did not think she did anymore (She did want them alot 3 years ago)


Your post has more red flags than the May day parade in Stalingrad, but this was the worst. She doesn't want kids *with you*.

End it.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

Popcorn2015 said:


> Your post has more red flags than the May day parade in Stalingrad, but this was the worst. She doesn't want kids *with you*.
> 
> End it.


Well if he's not living up to his end of things and being a weak man, why would a woman want to have kids with him? Just because a woman means it in the moment, doesn't mean she means it forever. IMO that's a topic best had without the influence of alcohol, and again, they have to be mature and sober enough to explain the "whys" of their feelings and choices. Maybe she feels he wouldn't give them the love and strength a child deserves. Is that not a valid reason? Then it's up to him to prove his worth and keep communication open with her.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

This is hard to say. Maybe space will be enough for you too because you guys fight a lot. Time apart may help with that. If that won't work then don't beg for her to come back. Just simply tell her that you would like for her to come back and work on it and leave it at that.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> She is living it up I guess with her new boyfriend. I have the kids for 3 weeks while she is "taking a vacation".


This isn't a "new" boyfriend. He's been around quite a while now. He's only new to you.


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