# ...weirdest thing...BPD?



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

So, my wife has a BPD diagnosis. Picture the usual problems. Remove dishonesty, but mix in unusually bad rages. And some indications (therapist) + Asperger's group of autistic tendencies. She's been in DBT for about a year and a half.

Something odd has been going on for the last few weeks.

She'd been under stress (bunch of random sources) - and dealing with some medication issues - but she started on antianxiety meds and ditched the stuff causing suicidal depression and extreme irritability...and her behavior changed.

...she started talking about 'waking up' and seeing reality.

So, the oddness:
(a) She's having increased sensory overload issues and is verbalizing when she's overloaded - coping using a hat.
(b) She's been pleasant to be around.
(c) When things go wrong - she's showing individual responsibility instead of blaming herself - and is open to rational explanations for events.
(d) Basically, aside from from some magical thinking, she's behaving like a sane, somewhat irresponsible and somewhat insecure human being with empathy and sensory issues.
(e) She's also actually seeking out socialization and trying to understand human beings. She's been talking about having taken off an imaginary cloth that keeps her isolated from the world.
(f) Oh, and she stopped overdosing on sleeping pills. (Not a big worry - apparently Benadryl is not a big health risk...checked with her psychiatrist.)

This is pleasant, but I'm a bit disconcerted with the suddenness of the change. I'm wondering if anyone else has seen something similar.

Option 1: BPDs swing back and forth a lot.
Definitely true. But, this behavior feels different from her normal white-painting.

Option 2: Maybe there's some change going on.
Could be the meds, could be her accepting that she has real autistic tendencies and not projecting those onto me. Could be something else.

Option 3: Bit of both.

Dunno - if you've seen anything similar and/or have any advice - I'd be grateful. I'm mostly in 'huh, nice if it lasts but no surprise if it doesn't' mode. No illusions that she's miraculously cured...but something seems different. Some of this behavior, I've never seen from her. Kind of a shift - she's acting more Aspie if anything, but much less unstable. Maybe she's hiding less?? Or maybe she's just trying really hard, and I should prepare for a gigantic meltdown?? Overall, if this goes on for a few month, I'll allow myself to feel mild hope.

--Argyle


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

argyle said:


> If you've seen anything similar and/or have any advice - I'd be grateful.


Argyle, your experience over the past two weeks is alien to what I experienced too. So the answer sure eludes me too. But, yes, by all means -- enjoy it while it lasts.

The closest thing I've seen to that happening is what are called "moments of clarity." With my BPDer exW, those moments typically lasted about a day and occurred maybe 5 times during our 15 year marriage. They always occurred right after I had discovered some gawd-awful thing she had done (e.g., another secret credit card with $5,000 debt on it) and was so angry that she truly feared I would leave her. In those rare moments, she would flip from "acting out" to "acting in," i.e., turning her anger inwards onto herself -- thus readily admitting her shortcomings and issues.

What you are describing, however, has already lasted two weeks and, as far as you can tell, seems to be related to the anti-anxiety medicine because the behavioral change started when she switched medications. As you know, medication cannot make a dent in the underlying BPD traits because they are not believed to be caused by body chemistry or by disease. Yet, because stress can magnify the traits, it is not unreasonable to suppose that the medication has reduced the stress that was aggravating her traits.

Another possibility is that you are now seeing the positive results of 18 months of DBT, which has taught her techniques for self soothing and better managing her emotions.

That said, I nonetheless have never heard of such a dramatic improvement occurring in just two weeks. I also am skeptical that DBT would have such a pronounced effect in just 18 months. I therefore share your view that this is just too good to be true. And I hope we both are very wrong in that regard.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

argyle said:


> So, my wife has a BPD diagnosis. Picture the usual problems. Remove dishonesty, but mix in unusually bad rages. And some indications (therapist) + Asperger's group of autistic tendencies.


You just described me to a T. I considered myself 'cured' (yes I'm aware there is no cure) after almost 4 years of therapy.

At 18 months of therapy I could maintain sanity for 'maybe' 2 weeks (maybe) if I kept my stress down before I crashed again however I wasn't on meds.

However my changes didn't just show up overnight. At first it was hours, then days, then weeks and now months. It was gradual. Back and forth, 2 steps forward 3 back kinda exercise...

My bets on the meds have helped your wife the most. I also bet it won't last so enjoy it while you can. I give it 6 weeks (that's when meds usually begin to lose their effectiveness). I share Uptown's view in that I hope we're all wrong.


----------



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

My psychiatrist told me I have BPD traits but doesn't think I have the full-blown disorder. His reasons are that I have long term stable relationships (which is true.) However, I still suffer from many of the BPD symptoms. Recently, I went off my meds to see how I'd function and my BPD symptoms increased. Now, that I'm stabilized on my anti-anxiety and SSRI overall I appear "normal," this might be happening with your wife.


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...okay...a few weeks...then a rage. But, milder than most with a quick switch back to sanity and the choice to sleep through the night and try to make up in the morning. And some productive discussion that evening. So, still promising.

Dunno, she's been on these meds before - so I don't think that is everything. Maybe learning to manage the dysphoria from the previous meds is making things easier for her? I'm kind of suspecting that Asperger's thing is helping. She's spent a lot of years coping with her communication issues by blaming them on me and that part has pretty much stopped. It helps that she's now willing to accept accommodations instead of blaming me for not forcing her to do things she simply can't do reliably - like put our child to sleep or cleaning.

I'm going to guess that several moderate positive changes have combined to make for a 'pretty-good' sustained change. I'll guess that the oscillation will continue, but with modestly decreased amplitude (med change) and a higher average (...knows she's an Aspie, taking steps for self-care, accepting accommodation...). And, honestly, me being more proactive about packing my bags early and leaving seems to help.

--Argyle


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Just out of curiosity... Dealing with BPD, does it ever get better? Do you have to leave the house? Is that part of the coping strategy?


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...it gets better. Good and better are not the same.*
...I keep essentials at a nearby residence and leave the house with our children. The other residence is commutable for work, so there's essentially no disruption. The readier I am to leave, the more strongly she avoids abusive rages. Part of my responsibility, as I've chosen to live with a mentally ill woman, is to leave before her behavior becomes either dangerous or damaging to our children. I'm improving day by day.

--Argyle
*Although I love my wife dearly, my advice to someone in a R/S with a BPD is to leave. If you have young children, gather supporting evidence for custody proceedings first. If the evidence doesn't support sole custody, then they probably are closer to BPD traits than BPD. Once your plans are clear, your S/O may or may not try changing some of their behavior. I'd still recommend leaving, but that choice is less clear to me. I've stayed, but I'm not at all sure I've made a good choice.


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

On the bright side, very sustained decrease in blaming behaviors and anger - even when highly stressed. Some portion of this is my decision to just listen and agree with her delusion of the moment - and laugh at her once she's worked through them. Not most of it though.

On the dark side, a significant uptick in paranoia. Not really unusual, in an isolated sense. However, she usually will, eg, think that only 1 person is out to get her. Here, it was:
(a) my family
(b) her therapists
(c) several of her friends (ok, 1 actually is out to get her...sometimes paranoids are correct - except she's not worried about that one*) Facebook is just terrible for the mentally ill.
(d) the local preschool

On the bright side, with a certain amount of reassurance, she's channeling her paranoia into reasonably stable reactions - and testing whether or not her delusions are accurate (well, except for the friend who probably is out to get her). And, well, a lot of the women in her DBT group apparently are having similar struggles.

Overall, I'm encouraged. I'm guessing that she's shifted a bit away from blaming behaviors as a coping mechanism to deal with anxiety and paranoia - so - she's having some trouble dealing with the paranoia now. That and there's always a big uptick in crazy around this time of the month.

--Argyle
*She has a terrible record in terms of noticing actual enemies.


----------



## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

My STBX was never officially diagnosed, but he is going to see a physician next week, our counselor did elude to to BPD.

He has weeks, even a month or 2 of being "normal"/okay, but then switches back to rages, no impulse control etc. We are separated and honestly I still get calls calling me names (if I don't pick up he will call 30-50 times), cutting me off from money so I can't get medication etc.. he says really nasty, hurtful things to me. While we were together it escalated to him throwing things, lying, saying he will commit suicide, driving drunk...he will always apologize and say that he thinks he has a mental disorder and will get help.. that went on for 2+ years. 

In my opinion if she keeps going to counseling maybe some of her behaviors will change or become subdued.


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...for now, at least, more different than subdued. She's definitely having extra trouble dealing with anxiety...

...three nights ago, she needed to talk about XYZ, but it was pretty late, so I went to sleep in another room. She didn't bother me (much), but did spent about 15 minutes punching herself and banging her head into the wall while crying incoherently.*

...then, en-route to a party, she jumped out of the car. I picked her up after the party. (Y'know, couldn't find her after circling around and wasn't inclined to show up extra late.) Aside from the occasional incoherent weeping, she was polite and respectful - the conversation was actually productive. She kept it under control until I'd dropped off the children. A lovely change.

...then she tried reading a child to sleep. The child kept bouncing and she couldn't handle it - stopped stories and went downstairs to relax. Child cried a lot - wanted mommy stories.

...so we talked. The upshot is that she does have a lot of anxiety socializing and that she tends to rely on other people to discuss and process stuff. Now, sure, fine, but 2-3 hours daily is a lot of time to spend helping her process anxiety. And, no, she really can't multitask. It just isn't a practical way to live - particularly considering her limited ability to help with chores.

...for now...
...she'd rather stay married. I'm open to that for now.
...she's agreed to start pitching in on chores when the kids are at school and asked me to criticize her when they aren't done. She's a strong believer in traditional roles. I'm pretty skeptical, but anything for a lark. When she fails, I'll just do the chores and ask her to help instead of doing fun stuff on the weekends.
...she's agreed to practice processing anxiety without my help. Oh well, when she fails, I'll require that she speak to her therapist about this.
...I've also explained to the kids that, even though it sucks, mommy's brain is different and that it is really hard for her to read a story to a restless child - so - if they want stories from mommy - they need to lie down really still. Hopefully not too damaging to the kids. Heck, maybe they'll go to sleep easier. Realistically, she can't provide consistent affectionate interaction - I'm worried about this - and have been for a while.

...also giving children lessons on empathy in general. That isn't my wife's strong point at all, so it is difficult for them to learn from our interactions.

...for later...
...we're discussing divorce. The big stumbling blocks are that she:
(a) probably can't live alone.
(b) loves our children, but really isn't equipped to care for them alone - so she'd have real trouble spending time with them without me or someone else around.
(c) her parent's really don't want her back.
(d) we do love each other. There's a lot of mutual exasperation, but, practical matters aside, I'd stay with her. She's a good woman - she just has a lot of problems coping.

...need to think that through. If/when we do divorce, I'd rather see her in some sort of relatively stable situation. I'm pretty sure she can get a job eventually. Maybe I can find some sort of halfway house for her? Or convince her parents that she's just coming to visit?

--Argyle
*I'm understanding better why she opted for coping behaviors involving rages and blaming other people. Sigh - that's a lot of fear to carry around. She's still aching a bit.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Argyle, thanks so much for giving us an update. It sounds like you have a very good intellectual understanding of what you are dealing with. Eventually, your feelings will catch up with your intellectual thoughts. It took me a year and a half to get to that point. I guess that, feeling-wise, I'm a slow learner.


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...and then, there are the days when she's perfectly sweet and studies her DBT book.
...and then we discuss things like nearly-sane and rational people.

Of course, she still monologues habitually and has a lot of anxiety regarding normal human behavior - and has no interest in holidays of any kind. But, um, there are good days too.

--Argyle


----------



## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...lots of paranoia. And, then, rather suddenly, 'Oh, maybe it isn't all about me' and 'Oh, MIL is pretty critical of everyone, isn't she' Still essentially no blame, just a lot of anxiety. Odd. Angers easily, but trying to cope with it.

...still messiest person on planet. Still spending many hours daily destressing using movies, et cetera. 

--Argyle


----------

