# Girlfriend isn't the same



## Bushthorn (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi

I've just joined the site and before you I bring the problems I've been having with my girlfriend. We've been together for a long time, 9 years to be precise. During 2 of those 9 years I lived in another place and could only visit her sporadically. Even so I never had to be concerned about infidelity or anything like that because she used to be a very solid partner. That's one of the things that really attracted me to her, she was bullet-proof when it came to trust. 
Obviously, we've had our ups and down but I've always relied on the fact that we both understood the relationship as a pact which demanded total openness and respect.
Lately, however, things have changed in this chapter. Although, she tries to hide it, she's distant and shows no interest in me or the things I do. Worse still, she makes appointments without consulting with me, and relying on the fact that I'll be there to help her with what she needs. She also seems to prefer to spend more time with her friends than with me. We don't do nothing together and sadly for me sex is all but a sweet distant memory. This last bit is really messing me up because we used to have an incredible chemistry in bed and sex was fantastic. She claims she's really tired and that work issues are messing with her head. Her job is tragically stressful, that's a fact, but still I think that deep down inside the real problem is that she just doesn't feel the flame burning anymore. Despite all this, she still cooks great food, does stuff around the house and treats me kindly, which I appreciate...but then again it feels like she's doing it because she wants to overcompensate for something...
I know I make her laugh, listen to her problems and advise her on them but sadly I'm beginning to think that's all she wants from me. She may be seeing me as a friend she has taken for granted and not her lover. Hell, I'm not even sure she'd mind me sleeping with other women...
We've had many fights over this and it gets better for a few days and then it all falls back to the old patterns. 
I'm trying to save this relationship but I'm beginning to think it's a futile effort. Can this be reverted? Should I get my own separate place in order to create room for us both?

All help appreciated


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Be happy you're not married!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if sex is a distant memory for you....I would say she is not your GF anymore.

ask her if she wants to stay your room mate as you start to date other new women.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

This one's over.

You don't state your age but you're probably young enough to get back out there and start over again.

Good luck man


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What kind of appointments does she make without consulting you?

You need to have a frank talk with her and tell her that you miss the passion that used to exist between the two of you. That she is distant and has pulled away from you and this is not something you will accept. Her rejection of you physically hurts you terribly emotionally. You will not stay in a sexless relationship. Either the two of you get some counseling together and work to fix your relationship or you will be leaving her. This is a critical moment in the relationship.

She has to understand that what's going on is not OK. And it's your job to get that through to her.

There is a book that might help you both in discussing your needs and how to get them met. I can help rebuild your relationship: "His Needs, Her Needs"


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

She's not committed to the relationship. Thank your lucky stars you're not married with kids. Salvage your self esteem by breaking up with her and moving on before she can damage you. Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer to prep you for your next relationship. Good luck.


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## Bushthorn (Aug 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What kind of appointments does she make without consulting you?


The last "situation" was related to her holidays. We are both not originally from the place we are living now. So come holiday time, she goes to see her folks and I go see mine. We don't travel together because we have pets that need attention and are too old to be carried around. 

She booked her holidays without asking if or when I was planning to go see my father. It's like she was just happy to go see her parents without worrying about the pets. Moreover, the day before her flight, she spent most of the day with friends when I had hoped we could spend the day together. That really pissed me off. When she got home she apologised. I didn't accept her apologies. She went to her parents and has returned but I'm still mad and not talking to her, even though she did cut her holidays short, because she didn't want me "being alone".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bushthorn said:


> The last "situation" was related to her holidays. We are both not originally from the place we are living now. So come holiday time, she goes to see her folks and I go see mine. We don't travel together because we have pets that need attention and are too old to be carried around.
> 
> She booked her holidays without asking if or when I was planning to go see my father. It's like she was just happy to go see her parents without worrying about the pets. Moreover, the day before her flight, she spent most of the day with friends when I had hoped we could spend the day together. That really pissed me off. When she got home she apologised. I didn't accept her apologies. She went to her parents and has returned but I'm still mad and not talking to her, even though she did cut her holidays short, because she didn't want me "being alone".


It's time to have THE TALK.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In any relationship the one most in love loses. That's you, in case you didn't know it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So why have you not asked her to marry you...I have a sensed she has one foot out the door.....this may come down to either fish or cut bait and walk away....but the status quo maybe over


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## Bushthorn (Aug 25, 2014)

Xenote said:


> So why have you not asked her to marry you...I have a sensed she has one foot out the door.....this may come down to either fish or cut bait and walk away....but the status quo maybe over


The main reason why we never tied the knot is because my parents marriage was a farce which ended in a brutal, ignominious divorce that left me deeply scarred for life. It was not the only nasty divorce around me either...So, in short I grew a bitter aversion towards the institution of marriage. 
That being said we do everything married couples do...especially the "not having sex" part...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think your GF is sick of being just your GF. Nine years is a long time to date and not get married.

Not sure you can salvage this to be honest.


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## Bushthorn (Aug 25, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I think your GF is sick of being just your GF. Nine years is a long time to date and not get married.
> 
> Not sure you can salvage this to be honest.



Could well be. But I still don't understand how putting a ring on her finger could have prevented this. I mean, we live like typical married couples do; if her feelings for me have changed I don't see how a piece of metal would have made any difference.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She's just not that into you.

Let it go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bushthorn said:


> Could well be. But I still don't understand how putting a ring on her finger could have prevented this. I mean, we live like typical married couples do; if her feelings for me have changed I don't see how a piece of metal would have made any difference.


Marriage is not a piece of metal or a ring or a piece of paper.

It's a commitment that you have not been willing to make. Maybe she was no either. I don't know.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Marriage is not a piece of metal or a ring or a piece of paper.
> 
> It's a commitment that you have not been willing to make. Maybe she was no either. I don't know.


Exactly.

It's not the ring. It's the commitment. The commitment to her, to the relationship, to building a life together.

She's probably wondering why she's still only a GF after 9 years together. Where's the relationship going? What's your future? Are you going to just date forever? Pick her up on Sat afternoon when you're 80 for your once a week date to catch the matinee and earlybird special?

I don't know that that's her problem - I don't know her or you, I could be completely off base. 

She's not blameless here either though - she could have spoken up a long time ago if she had a problem with things. She chose to stay. That's on her. 

Just trying to give some insight


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sounds like YOU have some issues to deal with.

Just because your parents screwed up their marriage, maybe you learned from that and would make an excellent husband?

She cut her plans short to be with you after the holidays, and instead of thanking her for the extra "together time", you deliberately ignore her? that is a mature response? 

You date her for 9 frigin years? And she stayed? She sounds like a saint to me. 

Dude, get a little therapy....you might be able to work thru these problems, and then this other perceived stuff will magically vanish


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't be needy or clingy. Are you in shape?

Why no kids?

Can you up your sex appeal?

Do you have any habits, smoking, drinking, porn? Just drop them without saying a thing. She will notice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And are you still sure there is no one else ? All of this could be explained by this so I am just putting it out there. You could snoop and find out - emails, phone messages, the dreaded Facebook etc.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Marriage = commitment
Not married means no commitment.

Boyfriend/girlfriend is just that. Friends with romantic intent. Nothing more.

When there is no passion, you are free to walk away.

Marriage makes it harder to just walk away. You have relatives,friends and children to consider...even your own status and principles in life will make you think twice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I also think she's simply tired of being your girlfriend and makes plans without you because she doesn't see you as a team, which you're not. The fact that your parents had a nasty divorce is a poor excuse to drag your gf along, and the argument of "well we live just like we're married" is not going to fly. Lots of people have parents that had a nasty divorce (mine did) and somehow manage not to make their partners pay for that. You've no problem living with her and doing everything else but she's not quite good enough to marry, so now she's got one foot out the door. At this point it's hard to say if a ring would change that because she's already detached; you might have to cut this one and don't string the next good one along.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sit her down and ask her why she has been making her friends priority and refuses to spend time with you.

See what she says.....

Flt out ask her if you are the priority or other things in her life. 

I would also tell her that unless you become her priority, this relationship is over.

HOWEVER, all of the above is under the assumption that you lived up to your 50% of the relationship and didn't lower your standards to what she is doing. Have you been asking her on dates? Initiating sex? Being affectionate? etc etc?


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## Bushthorn (Aug 25, 2014)

I've had a lengthy talk with her and she was very defensive at first. She argued that I'm the one who's distant. She also said that I make her suffer when I ignore her. As I have explained, I was "ignoring" her because I was really furious at her...for ignoring me. Had I opened my mouth while the fury was still raging I'm sure I would have said something really hurtful. It's obvious we both need to improve our communication skills...
Anyway, there's basically 2 things that are really eroding our relationship, according to her:
1.º is the stress she gets from her job. She lives with stress and fear on day to day basis and it's getting the best of her. She's really burnt out and has become physically ill (she has a nervous ulcer, nervous rashes and nasty migraines). I knew she had it bad but I now realise how very very depressed she really is. I've always supported her through her problems (the ones I knew about) but she says she's affraid of looking like a nagging complaining silly woman and that she doesn't want to bother me. It's also what's undermining sex according to her. She says she wants it but "it's not as simple as pressing a button". In other words, she really can't compartmentalize the different contexts of her life...

2.º She says she's affraid I'll walk away/leave her for someone else. WTH?! 
I know you'll associate this with the fact that we never got married but to be honest I don't see a correlation. I've always stood by her side during the hard times, I've helped with a lot of stuff and most important , I never cheated on her, something I could have easily done without her ever finding out. A ring and my signature on a legal document would not have made me a better partner. 
I suggested she go see a psychiatrist and she seemed to have agreed. I also suggested a job change and offered a plan on how she can do it.
That's basically it. My gf acts like she doesn't fancy me, has no strings which "force" her to be in this relationship, yet she says she wants to be with me...Women are just too complicated.
Oh and by the way, she doesn't have anyone else on the side either, be it real or cyber (she hates Facebook, twitter and all that lot).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So who is meeting her emotional needs?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I mean chicks have emotional needs and you guys are so distant there has to me someone that is filling that void.

Am I wrong ladies?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does she want children?


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

Bushthorn said:


> That being said we do everything married couples do...especially the "not having sex" part...


You meant "we everything FORMERLY married couple do..."

I feel sorry for you, and view on marriage. I hate to say it, but nine years??? You don't even mention having TALKED about getting married.
Sorry, YOU put the leak in this boat, dude.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

She or is now or planning on replacing you.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

You are a guy, and YOU give her the silent treatment? Beta as can be, and you wonder where the sex has gone? Lol

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

there's 3 billion women in the world

sample some others


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> I mean chicks have emotional needs and you guys are so distant there has to me someone that is filling that void.
> 
> Am I wrong ladies?


Possibly nobody, possibly women friends. Maybe other men, depends on her state of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bushthorn said:


> I've had a lengthy talk with her and she was very defensive at first. She argued that I'm the one who's distant. She also said that I make her suffer when I ignore her. As I have explained, I was "ignoring" her because I was really furious at her...for ignoring me. Had I opened my mouth while the fury was still raging I'm sure I would have said something really hurtful. It's obvious we both need to improve our communication skills...
> Anyway, there's basically 2 things that are really eroding our relationship, according to her:
> 1.º is the stress she gets from her job. She lives with stress and fear on day to day basis and it's getting the best of her. She's really burnt out and has become physically ill (she has a nervous ulcer, nervous rashes and nasty migraines). I knew she had it bad but I now realise how very very depressed she really is. I've always supported her through her problems (the ones I knew about) but she says she's affraid of looking like a nagging complaining silly woman and that she doesn't want to bother me. It's also what's undermining sex according to her. She says she wants it but "it's not as simple as pressing a button". In other words, she really can't compartmentalize the different contexts of her life...
> 
> ...


With lots of love directed your way, you're not listening. Lack of marriage, unless mutually agreed upon, is usually viewed by women as you keeping just a small part of one foot out the door. Just a little easier to walk because you're avoiding a nasty divorce....you said so yourself. You can argue and justify any way you want, but she doesn't view you as an all in life partner.

She won't tell you that because like many women she doesn't want you to marry her because she b!tches or guilts you into it. She wants you to want to marry her, and clearly you don't. You've decided your issues are more important. If a ring and a piece iof paper are no big deal why not do it? Because to you they are a big deal. .Think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Bushthorn said:


> I was "ignoring" her because I was really furious at her...
> 
> 
> 2.º She says she's affraid I'll walk away/leave her for someone else. WTH?!
> ...


you are simply not listening. She is fine. YOU need to go see a psychiatrist...figure out why you are torturing and pushing away this wonderful sounding woman!


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Bail out now brother,have the self confidence to go out there and pick up a woman who will satisfy you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Quant said:


> Bail out now brother,have the self confidence to go out there and pick up a woman who will satisfy you.



Yeah, a woman that will satisfy him and be happy to be his girlfriend for 9 years. Good luck with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is very simple to solve. Marry her now! Show her appreciation for putting up with you for 9 years! And apologise for it taking so long because you have some strange view of marriage because your parents' marriage didn't work (talk about sins of the fathers!).

And when you propose make sure it is in the right way - on your knee and sincere.

And when you make your vows, take them seriously (whatever they are) - I like the "love and cherish" and I like the "in sickness and in health" etc.

Make her feel loved, wanted, cherished - take lessons (sorry, I meant counselling) in this, if necessary because it may not come naturally to you (which is a concern in itself).


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

When I first started reading this I was thinking - man walk away and find someone else. Not so much. I'm a guy and I feel sorry for your gf. 9 years. Are you kidding me? With all respect, you need counseling - not her. 

In her mind- It's probably ripping her apart that you haven't considered marrying her all this time. She probably just isn't going to come out and say it. She mentioned that she's afraid of you you walking. That should be a big enough clue of how she feels. 

If marriage is just a piece of paper, then just do it. DON'T WAIT ON HER TO BRING THIS UP - PROPOSE TO HER ASAP!! Please give this women the respect of nine years waiting and sticking by your side. 

If you allow her to walk away one day, she's screwed for life. To stand by you for 9 freaking and not feel good enough to be proposed to is a slapp in the face. She probably couldn't recover from that. 

I think if she brings marriage up first, she'd be doing it on her way out the door or a good by note- and it'll be too late for u. 

Or let her go so she can find someone who'll give her that sign of commitment in marriage - but then again you've probably damaged her too much at this point for her to start over with someone else.


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