# Strong vs confident vs vulnerable



## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

I've been reading a lot of posts, telling the man he needs to be strong not a doormat or weak as that is what women want.

As I thought on this, I also have read a lot of posts saying WS such as myself need to be vulnerable, open to being hurt etc.

To me these are 2 opposite things.

I equate strong as knowing what I want, when I want it, and no one is going to stop me from getting it. This is also the selfish, controlling mindset that got me where I am now.

If I substitute confident for strong, then I can start to see how you can be both confident and vulnerable at the same time.

Is that where we as men are trying to get to? Insight appreciated.


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## SeparationAnxiety (Mar 24, 2016)

Homer j said:


> I've been reading a lot of posts, telling the man he needs to be strong not a doormat or weak as that is what women want.
> 
> As I thought on this, I also have read a lot of posts saying WS such as myself need to be vulnerable, open to being hurt etc.
> 
> ...


I am in the same boat. i think I am being too needy/clingy, but on the other hand I am offering my soon to be separated wife a lot of emotional support (she is leaving me). It is a difficult road to travel, when on the one hand they are leaving you because you did not give them enough attention and on the other hand, you are trying to change and are giving them the attention they wanted, but in the end appearing needy/clingy.

It's as if a lot of the advice being dished out here fits one set of circumstances, but not another. What if you have a wife whose love language is Quality Time. You are trying to give it to her to show her that you can be the man she wants, but in the end you appear needy/clingy, because you are giving her Quality Time.

During separation, having a strong will and confidence can often get one into arguments. Since agreement is a priority to establishing an emotional connection, there seems to be a contradiction here. On the other hand, one doesn't want to become a doormat, either. I think I am walking the fine line of doormat right now, but trying to at least set some boundaries and maintain at least a minimal level of respect. Going too far in the assertiveness/stand your ground department makes it very easy to start an argument, since after all, the leaving spouse has nothing to lose and wants her way on most things.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Homer j said:


> I've been reading a lot of posts, telling the man he needs to be strong not a doormat or weak as that is what women want.
> 
> As I thought on this, I also have read a lot of posts saying WS such as myself need to be vulnerable, open to being hurt etc.
> 
> ...


I see strong/confident not as being that no one is going to stop me from getting what I want, but more that *I* am not going to stop me from getting what I want. You know, no self-sabotaging or letting laziness interfere, etc.

But you don't just shut out other people. Being vulnerable is just the ability to seek help in getting what you want, or being open to criticism that will improve your ability to get what you want, or accepting that other people may not want the same thing you want and balancing your needs with theirs, etc.

So merging those two (confidence and vulnerability) means that you will work hard to earn whatever it is that you want, not let bad luck or circumstances deter you, but also that you don't get singleminded about it and forget to take other people it affects into account.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
strength, confidence cover a lot of different things.

Is crying when your pet dies being weak?

Is having a loud argument with a drunken stranger who insults your spouse strong or stupid?

Is engaging in risky sports brave or stupid.

Is stating your opinions in discussions confidence obnoxiousness.


In all these, I think it completely depends on the details.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Homer j said:


> I've been reading a lot of posts, telling the man he needs to be strong not a doormat or weak as that is what women want.
> 
> As I thought on this, I also have read a lot of posts saying WS such as myself need to be vulnerable, open to being hurt etc.
> 
> ...


You are looking at this the wrong way. When you are strong you are vulnerable. A strong or confident man is going after what HE wants. he is exposing his wants and his needs for everyone else to see. That makes Them vulnerable. Sometimes they don't get what they want. A weak man cries and snivels and whimpers. A strong man moves forward towards their goal regardless.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

That makes sense. That's what I was trying to figure out.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

The word is "authentic"

So many confuse "needy" with "sensitive"

They are nothing alike.


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