# Question for married guys. Do you feel more relaxed with your friends then your wife and kids ?



## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Last night when me and my friends were hanging out, one of my friends (who is married) said that when he hangs out with us, he has more fun and is much more relaxed since having a wife and kids comes with responsibilities. He has to think and make decisions and have a lot on his plate but when he is with me or our other friends, he doesn’t have to do any of that. When he is with us, it’s a weight lifted of his shoulder. 

I agree with him because when you are married and have kids, I always thought that you need breaks from performing your husband/daddy duties. Even being a husband only (no kids) is not easy since your basically have to fulfill someone expectations and standards but with friends, the only expectation is pretty much respect. Other then that, they don’t have any hard expectations like a romantic partner/spouse would have. 

Would you agree with me on that ? 


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Fully fully fully agree with that.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, friends usually ask for much less from you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I wouldn't say "more" relaxed, but it would be a different kind than I might get at home. I agree that having times when certain stresses are not present help. One of my wives is a past victim of spousal abuse. There are days when it's like walking on eggshells. I can hit my hand, and start cussing out what hurt me, and she's suddenly cowering saying she hasn't done anything wrong. And this is after more than a decade of being away from the *** *** ***. So yeah, I enjoy when I don't have to watch what I am doing.

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

vintagetriplex said:


> Last night when me and my friends were hanging out, one of my friends (who is married) said that when he hangs out with us, he has more fun and is much more relaxed since having a wife and kids comes with responsibilities. He has to think and make decisions and have a lot on his plate but when he is with me or our other friends, he doesn’t have to do any of that. When he is with us, it’s a weight lifted of his shoulder.
> 
> I agree with him because when you are married and have kids, I always thought that you need breaks from performing your husband/daddy duties. Even being a husband only (no kids) is not easy since your basically have to fulfill someone expectations and standards but with friends, the only expectation is pretty much respect. Other then that, they don’t have any hard expectations like a romantic partner/spouse would have.
> 
> ...


Welcome to manhood. LoL!

I love the work that came with marriage and children. The biggest joys and the absolute best laughs have been with Mrs. Conan and my boys.

It is fun to still see the boys from the old neighborhood and shoot the **** over a beer or three but nothing compares to playing and laughing with my wife and kids!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No, I'm absolutely myself in front of family and friends. 

If you have to fulfill someone else's expectations and live up to other's standards, there is something wrong with your thought process. 

There should be no reason to change who you really are in front of your wife and family unless your not proud of who you are.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Time with friends is of different quality. You all are each other equalls, you are not responsible for them, you can fully relax. Going on few days cruise with my lady friends was always the most relaxing thing ever - my family or work could not even reach me by phone. It helped to revitalize, to feel myself again (not just mother, wife and co-worker) and happily come back home to my family. Until next time...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

You should have put this in the guys section, but........there is an unspoken, nearly subconscious way in which women will monitor/evaluate/judge on a near constant basis in my experiences. They will not acknowledge it though. They will act sweet and nice, but everything down to a kids toy breaking to a car that is making a noise, you are being evaluated! Men can feel it, though I think some just ignore it. Stress to say exactly the right thing, stress to bring her a pay check, stress to look attractive, stress to perform in bed, stress, stress.......

Compare that to the freedoms of just hanging out with guys. The reality, at least for us non-skinny jeans group that does not sit by a fire and talk about our feelings, we get to talk without the judgments. I can literally tell them if my ex was on fire, I wouldn't grab a hose, and though they know me and know I am NOT kidding, there are no judgments. As they say, if you shoot someone, a good friend will keep his mouth shut, and great friend will help you bury the body....... I realize some here cannot handle dark humor so.......

Reality is I used to look forward to an escape..... Not so much from kids, but from my partners. You are being judged all the time, whether you realize it or not, and that stressed me out. 

However, ALWAYS remember this, kids are walking tape recorders. They will remember EXACTLY what you don't want them to. I say thing because when hanging out with friends, here is what will happen. You take kids with you. Then you get home and mom will not even ask you, because hours later she will download the intel right from the kids! She will know who was there, if there were any women, what was said, etc. 

I remember a lot of arguments with my ex because she ALWAYS thought I was lying and could not understand that when I am with the guys, we do NOT talk about our women or our feelings! We 'can' if needed, but that convo lasts for 3min and we move on. I would get interrogated for the latest gossip. She would say "so how is the relationship going between X and Y?" I am like, "I have no idea, it never came up"...."OH, BS, you were just there, how can you not know?"

But the other part of that is if I am sworn to secrecy, I am a DOD lock box....... I know nothing.....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, friends usually ask for much less from you.


And give much less as well.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> And give much less as well.


What do you mean by that ? 

Because friends are often platonic, they don’t give sexual favors ? 

Good friends are not judgmental and here for you when you need someone to talk to. 


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Because friends are often platonic, they don’t give sexual favors ?


There's more to an exclusive relationship than sexual favors .... if you want to call it that.

You can have lots of friends but, at least here in the west, you can only have one spouse. So yeah, you expect more from your spouse ..... and, ideally, you give more as well and vice versa. 

You don't drag your friends to visit your parents, do you? You don't expect your friends to go to church with you? to your kids' performance at school or wherever? you don't expect your friends to cover for you .... like babysitting; doing favors for your family members; ....one could go on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think we know by now that your marriage isnt good as you have a wrong and skewed view of women. Both my husband and I love spending time together, we both feel completely relaxed and happy in each others company.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> You should have put this in the guys section, but........there is an unspoken, nearly subconscious way in which women will monitor/evaluate/judge on a near constant basis in my experiences. They will not acknowledge it though. They will act sweet and nice, but everything down to a kids toy breaking to a car that is making a noise, you are being evaluated! Men can feel it, though I think some just ignore it. Stress to say exactly the right thing, stress to bring her a pay check, stress to look attractive, stress to perform in bed, stress, stress.......
> 
> Compare that to the freedoms of just hanging out with guys. The reality, at least for us non-skinny jeans group that does not sit by a fire and talk about our feelings, we get to talk without the judgments. I can literally tell them if my ex was on fire, I wouldn't grab a hose, and though they know me and know I am NOT kidding, there are no judgments. As they say, if you shoot someone, a good friend will keep his mouth shut, an great great will help you bury the body....... I realize some here cannot handle dark humor so.......
> 
> ...


You are judging all women on what a few you know do or have done. If your marriage is full of stress then you need to do something about it.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I think we know by now that your marriage isnt good as you have a wrong and skewed view of women. Both my husband and I love spending time together, we both feel completely relaxed and happy in each others company.


How ? Marriage comes with lots of responsibilities. People get married because they feel like they mentally ready for handle those responsibilities and labors. 

With friends it’s easier to relax and have fun. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> There's more to an exclusive relationship than sexual favors .... if you want to call it that.
> 
> You can have lots of friends but, at least here in the west, you can only have one spouse. So yeah, you expect more from your spouse ..... and, ideally, you give more as well and vice versa.
> 
> You don't drag your friends to visit your parents, do you? You don't expect your friends to go to church with you? to your kids' performance at school or wherever? you don't expect your friends to cover for you .... like babysitting; doing favors for your family members; ....one could go on.


You can’t drag your spouse to visit your parents. 

Maybe they have to help with kids, or expecting to go to church with them is a reasonable expectation but your spouse doesn’t have to do favors to your family members. This is purely on you. 


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

vintagetriplex said:


> You can’t drag your spouse to visit your parents.
> 
> Maybe they have to help with kids, or expecting to go to church with them is a reasonable expectation but your spouse doesn’t have to do favors to your family members. This is purely on you.
> 
> ...


It depends on how committed your relationship is. You will go because you know it makes your spouse happy.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

vintagetriplex said:


> How ? Marriage comes with lots of responsibilities. People get married because they feel like they mentally ready for handle those responsibilities and labors.
> 
> With friends it’s easier to relax and have fun.
> 
> ...


Looks like you'd rather forget those responsibilities and labors with your friends and act immature. 

BTW, just browsed your other threads. Your attitude towards your spouse and life in general is immature. The boys club won't be at your side forever. Continue down this path and risk your wife not being there either. 

Best

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> How ? Marriage comes with lots of responsibilities. People get married because they feel like they mentally ready for handle those responsibilities and labors.
> 
> With friends it’s easier to relax and have fun.
> 
> ...


We are each others best friend, and we can be ourselves and relax together.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't have a problem enjoying my time with my family and enjoying time with my friends. We hang out with friends and their families all the time. I go places without my husband, he does the same. 

We don't like gossip. We get along pretty good. We are responsible, we have fun together, we love family time.

It's about having a balance I guess. If you don't want responsibilities then you don't want to be married. Divorce and move on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I'm an introvert, so people drained me when I was married. Friends were (are) a necessary nuisance in my life that ended up robbing me of the energy I needed for my family. I needed time in my cave to recharge or escape in the middle of nowhere. Sadly, ex-wife was the most draining. I never felt drained with my daughter however probably because she's my only child.

I'm not re-married yet, but my new partner isn't nearly as draining and I never found myself needing space. I am fully transparent with her and on the same wavelength which probably contributes to less energy being used when in her presence compared to the past? Yet I'm not drained with my daughter, maybe she does drain me but gives me energy with her cuteness so it balances out?

Hmmmm....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Friends can be easier to relax with, because with most I know I'm not going to get laid (with the rest, I know I'm going to if we get together, so that's relaxing too). Besides, we don't have responsibilities to each other that comes with marriage. The dynamic tension is off the table. At home, there is always the sexual interplay, and figuring out the timing, etc. Certainly fun and worthwhile, but not necessarily relaxing!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I'm an introvert, so people drained me when I was married. Friends were (are) a necessary nuisance in my life that ended up robbing me of the energy I needed for my family. I needed time in my cave to recharge or escape in the middle of nowhere. Sadly, ex-wife was the most draining. I never felt drained with my daughter however probably because she's my only child.
> 
> I'm not re-married yet, but my new partner isn't nearly as draining and I never found myself needing space. I am fully transparent with her and on the same wavelength which probably contributes to less energy being used when in her presence compared to the past? Yet I'm not drained with my daughter, maybe she does drain me but gives me energy with her cuteness so it balances out?
> 
> Hmmmm....


This is somewhat endearing and, dare I say, kind of cute.

😉😋👍


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

It came and went. In the first days of my relationship it was a bit demanding as I learned about her, likes and dislikes, the things that I said that bothered her, etc. For several years after the marriage I was more "at home" or relaxed when it was just the two of us. After she had built up some resentment and had less feelings for me, she was less accepting of who I was and the things I said and did, and it became stressful as I learned and relearned the same kinds of things I did at the beginning of the relationship (what was going to make her mad _today, _what did she want me to do or how did she want me to act _today_, etc). Friends were then more relaxing again because we could just talk about family or tell funny stories and no one was going to stop talking to you for days or yell at you later. Now that we're divorced, honestly, she knows me as well as anyone and isn't angry All The Time so she's back to friend-zone OK again. We'll tell funny kid stories and coordinate family activities fine. Every now and then she'll say something that will take me back PTSD flashback style to a ****ty time in our relationship and I just have to GTFO / stop interacting with her / change the subject so its not all sunshine and rainbows / relaxation.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

My wife and kids know everything about me. I feel like I can be my goofy self with them. I’m more guarded with friends- I always feel like I can’t fully be myself around other men. Sure, a lot of my job at home is telling them what to do but I’ve never felt like I couldn’t be myself- even with my adult children.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

vintagetriplex said:


> Would you agree with me on that ?


No I don't agree with you.

I have always felt comfortable being myself, with my wife (who is my safe port), my children, friends, colleagues and strangers alike.

Likewise whether I have been single, married, divorced and married again, I have always found that having responsibilities, is a natural part of life that I accept as is and do not consider it to be a burden.

As to your idea that one has to fulfill someone else's standards, to be in a relation with them. I can't say I have ever felt that way since I have no qualms at all in being myself. Of which I find it easy to be myself, since it would be burdensome for me, to try to be someone I am not.

As for myself if I ever find myself in a sexual relationship with a partner who doesn't like me as I am. She would be welcome to pound sand and or walk away.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

These days, when the wife and kids are all here we're either eating a lot of food or getting liquored up by the firepit. I love my family.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> Laurentium said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah, friends usually ask for much less from you.
> ...


Yes, that was what I was implying!



vintagetriplex said:


> Good friends are not judgmental and here for you when you need someone to talk to.


If your friends are willing to listen when you have real serious problems, then they are indeed good friends. 
Most of mine have quite a low limit. I can talk to them about football, but if I had a cancer diagnosis, I suspect most of them would not have the emotional maturity to be able to listen. You and many of the posters may have better friends than I do. (Actually for that I would go to fellow members of my religious congregation, but that's another story.) 



vintagetriplex said:


> With friends it’s easier to relax and have fun.


So which do you have to "wear your game face" with more? Friends, or spouse? You seem to be saying, spouse, in your case. And some of us are saying to you, that's not a universal truth. It is possible to have a marriage where you are not always on guard - just as you describe with your friends. One certainly needs to have that with _someone. _If you think you and your spouse are in a power struggle, then you won't want to expose any weakness. That is less likely to be a problem with friends.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Donny69 said:


> I’ve never felt like I couldn’t be myself- even with my adult children.


Yeah, adult children is an interesting thing. You have to navigate the transition from looking after them, to them looking after you. It feels odd at first.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> If your friends are willing to listen when you have real serious problems, then they are indeed good friends.


I have friends at varying levels of emotional intimacy. You need all kinds. And it is better to keep the more detailed stuff in your life contained.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

vintagetriplex said:


> Last night when me and my friends were hanging out, one of my friends (who is married) said that when he hangs out with us, he has more fun and is much more relaxed since having a wife and kids comes with responsibilities. He has to think and make decisions and have a lot on his plate but when he is with me or our other friends, he doesn’t have to do any of that. When he is with us, it’s a weight lifted of his shoulder.
> 
> I agree with him because when you are married and have kids, I always thought that you need breaks from performing your husband/daddy duties. Even being a husband only (no kids) is not easy since your basically have to fulfill someone expectations and standards but with friends, the only expectation is pretty much respect. Other then that, they don’t have any hard expectations like a romantic partner/spouse would have.
> 
> ...


Yes i agree. Although i feel quite relaxed arounx the kids too as they dont judge and second guess everything i do.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I'd honestly rather hang out with my wife than anyone else on the planet. Once a month, we spend a weekend in a different city with no kids and just relax and work on our relationship. We get a room, shop a little, visit a sex toy store, eat out, see a movie (or rent one) and just focus on "us". Our kids are grown, but a couple still live at home as they complete their education. A lot of guys who hang out together in my area drink pretty heavily when hanging out and I don't need to be involved in that. My wife has adopted many of my interests and I have adopted a few of hers.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I'm more relaxed around my W and kids. In fact, I rather be with my W. We enjoy each other company. There is no pressure or any expectations.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I think we know by now that your marriage isnt good as you have a wrong and skewed view of women. Both my husband and I love spending time together, we both feel completely relaxed and happy in each others company.


Exactly! My wife is my best friend.


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