# Daily Sex v. Monthly Sex- too big of a gap



## samoh2223 (Apr 28, 2011)

Wife prefers monthly sex to sex every 6 weeks. I would prefer daily sex. My research suggests that neither of us is "abnormal" and that any amount of sex between a couple is the right amount if the couple agrees on it. We are married with children. Marriage is eleven plus years in. Seems silly to end that because we have different sexual needs. I don't want any form of obligatory sex or pity sex from her. We have talked about it in the past. Sometimes that leads to a feast of sex which then fades to famine. I am pretty convinced that this is not going to change. There may be a period of feast again but it will quickly fade to famine. So what is the answer? Are men and women just way too different when it comes to their sexual needs. That's what my wife constantly tells me. So what is she telling me? To masturbate to excessive levels to fill the gap? Is that the answer? To fill in the gaps elsewhere? What's the answer? Are there any answers?


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

samoh2223 said:


> Wife prefers monthly sex to sex every 6 weeks. I would prefer daily sex. My research suggests that neither of us is "abnormal" and that any amount of sex between a couple is the right amount if the couple agrees on it. We are married with children. Marriage is eleven plus years in. Seems silly to end that because we have different sexual needs. I don't want any form of obligatory sex or pity sex from her. We have talked about it in the past. Sometimes that leads to a feast of sex which then fades to famine. I am pretty convinced that this is not going to change. There may be a period of feast again but it will quickly fade to famine. So what is the answer? Are men and women just way too different when it comes to their sexual needs. That's what my wife constantly tells me. So what is she telling me? To masturbate to excessive levels to fill the gap? Is that the answer? To fill in the gaps elsewhere? What's the answer? Are there any answers?


What is wrong with obligatory sex, have her give you a rim job and suck you off, would you seriously not be happy with her doing that even if she is not in the mood?


----------



## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

I would rather not have to convince my wife to have sex with me. It turns me on to know that she wants me. Obligatory sex would be just o.k. and only every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that your spouse wants to have sex with you? I don't think so.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

luckyman said:


> I would rather not have to convince my wife to have sex with me. It turns me on to know that she wants me. Obligatory sex would be just o.k. and only every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that your spouse wants to have sex with you? I don't think so.


:iagree: If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she should not be married. Same goes for men. I would not be able to deal with only having sex once a month. I would like daily sex, but my older husband cannot keep up with that. We make love up to four times a week and if I am horny in between those times, I play with myself. :smthumbup:


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> :iagree: If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she should not be married. Same goes for men. I would not be able to deal with only having sex once a month. I would like daily sex, but my older husband cannot keep up with that. We make love up to four times a week and if I am horny in between those times, I play with myself. :smthumbup:


Agree with this. And while masturbation is fine for in between it does not come close to replacing the main event.


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I don't think there are any good answers for what to do about the gaps. I almost always masturbate daily but that really just takes the edge off slightly. It doesn't give me true satisfaction. I feel better and don't feel like I'm going insane and can sleep at night but the relief is always very temporary. 

I've thought about going elsewhere many times but the risk seems too high. And ultimately what would it do? Give me satisfaction once or twice? It's not going to fix the week to week and month to month (and daily) issue of being sexually frustrated. Unless you have a full blown affair. But i think if you're have sex with someone else several times a week that maybe you shouldn't be in the marriage anymore. 

I think we do have duties as husbands and wives to each other. I think what you're calling obligatory sex is not a bad thing. I think we all do things that we may not want to do. As a husband I do things often / daily that I'd probably rather not...

-repair things around the house
-yardwork
-rubbing wife's feet/back on request
-taking out the garbage
-going out with wife's friends
-seen more obnoxious chick flicks then I care to remember
-spend money on jewelry 
-bend my schedule around the things she wants to do

The point is I do a lot (and she does a number of things too) that we may not want to do. And if she needs something or told me that there was something that would make her happier then anything else. Like if she really wanted to start taking dance classes (shudders) with me. I would do it and I wouldn't have a pouty face on when I went to do it. I would provide service with a smile. 

I want my wife to want to have sex with me. However, there may only be so much she or I can do to make that happen. Her sex drive is just lower. But that's where the problem is, because her sex drive is lower I suffer. It's not reasonable to expect that anything will happen for her to want sex 4+ times a week. But I think it is reasonable to expect that she should take 15-20 minutes a few times a week to take care of my sexual needs AND be happy about it. That could be oral, a handjob even or intercourse or switch it around. A spouse doesn't need to be horny to want to make their partner happy. If you want to call it obligation sex or duty driven sex that's fine but there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Just like there shouldn't be anything wrong with me telling my wife that there's nothing I'd rather do then go see the latest chick flick with her. 

My wife is a great example of how 'obligation sex' is not cool. She doesn't often do it happily, she only minimally masks the fact that she really would rather not do it. She'll ask 'so you want to make out?' or 'so do you want a blowjob?'. And usually not is a sexy sultry tone, more in a tone like 'can you take out the garbage?' or 'do my feet smell?'. The question is ridiculous on it's face and shouldn't even be asked. She KNOWS that I want sex or a BJ or whatever else she is willing to give me so there isn't any point in asking. Except to let me know that she really doesn't want to do it and is maybe hoping that I'll say no (which I do when her attitude is crap). If she (or any wife) were really interested in making me happy she would simply grab me and get on top of me or pull me to the bedroom or act in some loving manner. Or tell me what she's going to do then do it.

I figure if prostitutes and porn stars can act like they enjoy sex then my wife that's supposed to love me should be able to please me and be genuinely happy to do it. I've read a lot of posts on this board where women talk about how they'll give their husbands a BJ or have sex even if they aren't crazy about it at the time because it makes their spouse happy. 

Getting off soapbox.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mike1 said:


> My wife is a great example of how 'obligation sex' is not cool. She doesn't often do it happily, she only minimally masks the fact that she really would rather not do it. She'll ask 'so you want to make out?' or 'so do you want a blowjob?'. And usually not is a sexy sultry tone, more in a tone like 'can you take out the garbage?' or 'do my feet smell?'. The question is ridiculous on it's face and shouldn't even be asked. She KNOWS that I want sex or a BJ or whatever else she is willing to give me so there isn't any point in asking. Except to let me know that she really doesn't want to do it and is maybe hoping that I'll say no (which I do when her attitude is crap). If she (or any wife) were really interested in making me happy she would simply grab me and get on top of me or pull me to the bedroom or act in some loving manner. Or tell me what she's going to do then do it.


I think any spouse who has walked in shoes similar to Mike1's , (whether husband or wife) and somehow manages to continue to love & honor their spouse - despite being treated like this, putting themselves down again & again & again & again & again - their spouse *knowing* they are suffereing & in "need" in this area, but yet remaining faithful through out it all. Amazing, I call you 'saints". 

My hat is off to you, You must really love your kids, I hope they someday realize what Dad is giving up for the family. I could never do it. Not strong enough, don't have that much love I guess. I would become the most miserable wrench you would ever want to meet in such a situation. 

I sympathize with you, I highly commend your love for your family (truly "agape") & faithfulness in all things. But if you was my friend in real life, I would be telling you to "DIVORCE" -find another who shares the pleasures of Sex and bonding-plenty of fish in the sea, as this is the only legal outlet a marraige allows for. 

It may be less than 10% of the marraige but when it is not happening regularly to fullfill - it feels like 90% 

Of coarse we can't all conjure up waves of Lust & desire -just cause our spouse is feeling it, but like Mike1 said, 10-20 minutes a few times a week. This is too much? All of us can 
surely adjust our attitudes & show some loving enthusiam to please the one we vowed to love & cherish forever. It is all about "walking in love".


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think any spouse who has walked in shoes similar to Mike1's , (whether husband or wife) and somehow manages to continue to love & honor their spouse - despite being treated like this, putting themselves down again & again & again & again & again - their spouse *knowing* they are suffereing & in "need" in this area, but yet remaining faithful through out it all. Amazing, I call you 'saints".
> 
> My hat is off to you, You must really love your kids, I hope they someday realize what Dad is giving up for the family. I could never do it. Not strong enough, don't have that much love I guess. I would become the most miserable wrench you would ever want to meet in such a situation.
> 
> ...



Thanks, it's strange but getting some validation, even from total strangers, is surprisingly comforting. I continue to realize how perfectly normal I am and how reasonable my expectations are. Like so many others here my wife tries to convince me I'm some wacked out, crazed sex addict because I want her more then she wants it :scratchhead:. 

I think whether it's sex or some any other aspect of our relationship we should be able to do exactly what you said, adjust our attitudes & show some loving enthusiasm to please the one we love. This whole concept of a spouse not meeting the critically important sexual needs of their life partner and supposed love of their life is alien to me. I have yet been able to imagine some scenario where I would deny doing something for my spouse that I know would make her happy, especially if I KNEW it was something that was an issue for her. I just don't get it I guess... 

I couldn't agree more about sex only being 10% of a marriage if everything is good, but when those needs are not met the weight of it feels like 90% (or more) of the relationship. It seems like it shouldn't be a big deal, like it should be such a small thing to so (i.e. 15 minutes 3-4 times a week even). It seems insane that amount of time is a problem for anyone to do. 

The fact is, despite how miserable I am sexually I dearly love my wife and 80% of our relationship is wonderful. I love our children more then anything and it would kill me to not wake up in the same house as them every day and tuck them in at night. It would kill me to break up their home and have them deal with that terrible situation. That has never been an option, not to me.

The thought of what another fulfilling relationship would be like has crossed my mind many times. And it seems odd to me that if I were to either a) find sexual satisfaction with someone outside of our marriage or b) leave my wife because of this I would be considered the bad person by everyone around us, by friends, by family, by society, etc. I would be at fault, a pig, an a-hole. If people knew why I would probably be considered petty and shallow and unbelievable by most. Anyway, ranting again.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mike,
When lust is absent - respect drives all behavior. 

She doesn't respect you. And you have never been willing to break your pattern with her - to re-establish respect.





mike1 said:


> I don't think there are any good answers for what to do about the gaps. I almost always masturbate daily but that really just takes the edge off slightly. It doesn't give me true satisfaction. I feel better and don't feel like I'm going insane and can sleep at night but the relief is always very temporary.
> 
> I've thought about going elsewhere many times but the risk seems too high. And ultimately what would it do? Give me satisfaction once or twice? It's not going to fix the week to week and month to month (and daily) issue of being sexually frustrated. Unless you have a full blown affair. But i think if you're have sex with someone else several times a week that maybe you shouldn't be in the marriage anymore.
> 
> ...


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

I guess what I was trying to say was that the wife can be excited about performing obligitory sex without getting off herself or nessicarily being in the mood. My wife rims me and goes down on my every other day and really gets into it but she is not nessicarily in the mood for sex on all thoes days, so its win win.

I do see what others are saying though becuase I had an ex that would give obligitory BJ's and would look disgusted and get up and spit the cum out and stopped rimming. That was lame, lame enough that it caused enough friction to divorce, so women need to think about that.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

luckyman said:


> I would rather not have to convince my wife to have sex with me. It turns me on to know that she wants me. Obligatory sex would be just o.k. and only every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that your spouse wants to have sex with you? I don't think so.


:iagree: :iagree:

Heck, I'm not even wanting daily sex but just sex on weekends would be good! 


I can think of few things that are more demeaning and sad then having to beg the person you love for affection and love making. It's just horrible and does terrible things to your self esteem. Talk about feeling hurt and rejected. 

Sometimes, especially lately, my husband will "service" me even if he's not wanting to have sex. But IMO it's almost worse then masturbation. For one thing, there's no passion at all and I find that a turn off in itself. I need to feel passion from HIM as well and I want to please him as well and want to be pleased!

He gets visibly annoyed if I take too long to achieve orgasm and I take longer because I can feel the negative vibes coming off him I can sense his impatience and resentment. It's not a loving act when he feels I'm "pressuring" him. In his opinion he's good to me in other ways so why can't I just accept the fact that he's not into having sex and "leave him the hell alone" (his exact words).; 

I'm at the point now where I'm just going to plan on masturbating. My plans for this weekend are to buy a vibrator and whatever else I need to "stave off" my sexual desires until (hopefully) things get better. 

I've tried talking, cajoling, seducing...I've even left, although not for this reason. We are currently separated but want to remain married. Cheating is not an option. I'm just not that kind of person. I have to love and feel emotionally connected to the person I have sex with and I do love my husband. 

At any rate, talking and begging him has just been making things worse so now I'm just going to let him be and look after myself for the time being until things come to some sort of conclusion. 

Thank goodness for toys.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rppearso - how long has your wife been doing that and how is it win win??? Are you absolutely sure that she readily gets into it and does not resent you. 

I could not imagine doing what she does with no sexual satisfaction. I'd feel like I am servicing my husband. Yikes.

Mike you are certainly not sex crazed. LD spouses think that because they don't feel desire spontaneously that they can't have sex and enjoy it. Will she agree to have sex with you on a regular schedule and you both work on how to warm her up to get her in the mood? 

If you procede slowly enough, you will give her a chance to feel aroused, too fast and it is over before she is warmed up and that would be frustrating.


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Well if she resents me there are NO signs. She gets what she wants when ever she needs it I was just saying there are times she is not in the mood herself but she still takes care of me.


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> rppearso - how long has your wife been doing that and how is it win win??? Are you absolutely sure that she readily gets into it and does not resent you.
> 
> I could not imagine doing what she does with no sexual satisfaction. I'd feel like I am servicing my husband. Yikes.
> 
> ...


Well if she resents me its been several years and NO signs, also she gets what ever she wants so the only time she just takes care of me is when she is not in the mood herself


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

rppearso said:


> I guess what I was trying to say was that the wife can be excited about performing obligitory sex without getting off herself or nessicarily being in the mood. My wife rims me and goes down on my every other day and really gets into it but she is not nessicarily in the mood for sex on all thoes days, so its win win.
> 
> I do see what others are saying though becuase I had an ex that would give obligitory BJ's and would look disgusted and get up and spit the cum out and stopped rimming. That was lame, lame enough that it caused enough friction to divorce, so women need to think about that.


I would never be excited about sex where I wasn't getting off most of the time. I don't do rim jobs either. I don't think you should expect some one to do something they do not like that makes them uncomfortable.

I would feel resentful. However because I know I am more than likely going to get off too I would allow myself to be gotten in the mood whenever he felt like he wanted sex.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Well if she resents me its been several years and NO signs, also she gets what ever she wants so the only time she just takes care of me is when she is not in the mood herself


I am very curious about you arrangement. 

You just said it was every other day. It is impossible that she gets off from doing this, she may tell you that she does but it she is like the average human, you are running a negative balance. There is nothing you can give her that makes up for her having to service you. 

You mentioned you divorced your wife because she did not do these things so it is obviously the basis of your relationship. I guess when she gets tired of servicing you, you will trade her in for a new provider. What do you do, tell women you requre these sex acts or there is no possibity of a relationship? Do you say that on the first date? How do women react do they fall over them selves to continue? If so why do they take you up on your offer do you tell them what they get in return like negotiating a contract. . 

You seem more concerned about sex acts so i assume no women has ever loved you and you her.. If not love then does Is getting these sevices make up for not being lablle to attract love? 

Sorry, but what you describe seems like a nightmare for your wife and paradise for you. It is stange that you have no conflict over this. When this ends, I doubt if you will ever find any women who would tolerate you or be approached with sex acts as a requirement for a relationship. 

You said you give what ever she wants are you wealthy and is she very young? I think sometimes if a man is wealthy he can get serviced until she gets worn out and the money is not enough.. Like that sad sack Mel Gibson and his demands for blow jobs. His wife got into a relationship with him but i think the sevices she was requied to render were too coastly even for his money. Other than that, she has to have very low self esteem or no resources to get out. Yikes I feel bad for her and hope she has the courage to get out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I am very curious about you arrangement.
> 
> You just said it was every other day. It is impossible that she gets off from doing this, she may tell you that she does but it she is like the average human, you are running a negative balance. There is nothing you can give her that makes up for her having to service you. Heaven forbid a husband should expect sexual acts from his wife! Why should sex be a chore if you love the person? Don't many husbands service their families by being the main breadwinner? Not having sex with one's spouse is cruel and selfish.
> 
> ...


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mrs G I'll admit I am a somewhat reformed sexually inhibited women but I don't think denying any husband sex is acceptable it is abusive and unloving. If you read my other post you would know that. 

My onjection here is that he dievorecd his wife for not giving him a rim job, I had to look that up, and bj. He said his requirements for a wife was that she did theses things. He said when she is not in the mood he expects her to give him a bj and rim job. 

A woman should not deny her husband sex but the idea of marriage based on particular sex acts is repugnant. The natural extension is that he will divorce her if she stop doing it. 

Taste change, suppose her does, is she free to stop if she likes? Only if she wants him to divorce her. There is something wrong with that. Sexuality in marriage seems too delicate to me to be held together with treat of divorce or cheating over a woman's head. 

It's very common, if you don't give your husband a bj he will get it elsewhere is the common refrain. If bj are so important to a man then he divorce and go and get all the bj he wants if he wife wont do them. People who think they are entitled to a list of sex acts and coerce their partner bother me. 

The more I read these forums the more I feel a profound appreciation of my husband. I know he deserves the best I aim to give him that. My husband is entitled, that's because he earned it.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> My objection here is that he divorecd his wife for not giving him a rim job, I had to look that up.


I had a feeling I knew what it was but googled it to be sure. I don't blame ANYONE for not wanting to do that. 

There are some things I could NEVER develop a "taste" for and that's definitely one of them!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I didn't want to say anything but .... to each his own. Can you imagine having to do that every other night? I'd hang myself seriously. 

I am going to say a prayer of thanksgiving and then I going to relax my honey with a nice message and a happy ending.. Simply put, I am going to worship at his alter. . 

Ladies, I hope you will do the same if you have a good guy. Based on what is out there, I think the vast majority of women are fortunate to have husbands who desire them and want to please them. But there are many very foolish women who turn these good guys away. What a shame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I didn't want to say anything but .... to each his own. Can you imagine having to do that every other night? I'd hang myself seriously.
> 
> I am going to say a prayer of thanksgiving and then I going to relax my honey with a nice message and a happy ending.. Simply put, I am going to worship at his alter. .
> 
> Ladies, I hope you will do the same if you got a good guy. Based on what is out there, I think the vast majority of women are fortunate to have husbands who desire them and want to please them. But there are many very foolish women who turn these good guys away. What a shame.


Well, if you've followed my recent posts you know what my situation is. For awhile I had a great guy and now I'm in a state of confusion and limbo. It goes 'round and 'round, up and down....:scratchhead: 

But I will say that my husband has NEVER expected me or pressured me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. When we first got married he quickly figured out that I'd never had anal sex and I was an "anal virgin" and he became obsessed with "popping" that cherry. 

It's a long story but I was a 17 year old virgin when he met me but by the time we married I wasn't. I'd had a crush on him initially but he didn't want to go out with me, wishing to remain friends instead so I went out with his friend, who became my first real boyfriend that I went out with through college and almost married. About a year after I broke up with his friend my husband and I started dating and he'd always regretted that HE wasn't my first but he definitely wanted to be the first in the OTHER orifice so he spent years working his way to that goal. 

Eventually, after much gentle persuasion and coercing I consented and it really was a wonderful thing and much like when I lost my virginity. It wasn't something I desired to do physically (that part of my body was not something I felt altogether comfortable with) but I knew it meant a lot to him and it was something that he was very patient and tender about and it meant a lot to him. 

I will say that in time I came to appreciate and really like anal sex and we experimented with it in a lot of ways. My husband has some interesting fetishes (like taking my "temperature" anally :scratchhead and I always indulged him because it made him happy and it did turn me on. But "rim jobs" is where I draw the line. I never go into touching HIM there either manually or by mouth or anywhere else. I just can't go there..

If you can give of yourself out of love and compassion it is a wonderful thing, not being coerced, forced or pressured into doing something for fear of what may happen if you don't.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My post was less about specific acts and more about the generally
grudging approach to sex. I would never give a rim job, so I would not marry a man who wanted that.

As I said it is a two way street. He could have compromised on the rimming. It is a less common sexual act than a BJ.


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Wow it sounds like some have an ax to grind on here, I was very up front about my sexual likes, if you know thats what they are into upfront and dont like it then simply dont date them. I was upfront with my first wife and she baited and switched how is that fair to me, she could have just said no thanks upfront, we could have had a coke and finished up the date and called it a day.

If your not into it thats fine just dont pretend to be into it and then stop doing it after your married because yea that will get you a divorce.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Wow it sounds like some have an ax to grind on here, I was very up front about my sexual likes, if you know thats what they are into upfront and dont like it then simply dont date them. I was upfront with my first wife and she baited and switched how is that fair to me, she could have just said no thanks upfront, we could have had a coke and finished up the date and called it a day.
> 
> If your not into it thats fine just dont pretend to be into it and then stop doing it after your married because yea that will get you a divorce.


You know, I gotta agree with you on that one here. I have many male friends and MANY of them married women who PRETENDED to like doing or be into things BEFORE they were married and then after they got the ring and license they suddenly shut down. Is that fair? I don't think so! Do I blame the person who was deceived for being angry and resentful as a result of this kind of deceit? No, I don't. 

I have a friend who dated a woman who was "supposedly" into every kind of sex imaginable before they were married. Then they got married. Within 6 months he was refused all but the most basic of sexual acts. No BJs, no anal sex (unless he "bribed" her with expensive gifts, I think one was a BMW!). This is a guy I once dated and I can say that he's VERY unsatisfied with is sex life. In fact, we are two opposite sides of the same coin and if I was a different type of person I might be tempted to contact him and "reconnect" with him and we could each have our sexual needs satisfied but THAT is not going to happen! But it is a thought..

Anway, just as it's unfair and abusive to force someone to do something that they aren't comfortable with it is ALSO unfair to be deceptive and pull a "bait and switch". It works both ways. 

I'm all for honesty and respect, especially when you are talking about something like being intimate and sexual.


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> You know, I gotta agree with you on that one here. I have many male friends and MANY of them married women who PRETENDED to like doing or be into things BEFORE they were married and then after they got the ring and license they suddenly shut down. Is that fair? I don't think so! Do I blame the person who was deceived for being angry and resentful as a result of this kind of deceit? No, I don't.
> 
> I have a friend who dated a woman who was "supposedly" into every kind of sex imaginable before they were married. Then they got married. Within 6 months he was refused all but the most basic of sexual acts. No BJs, no anal sex (unless he "bribed" her with expensive gifts, I think one was a BMW!). This is a guy I once dated and I can say that he's VERY unsatisfied with is sex life. In fact, we are two opposite sides of the same coin and if I was a different type of person I might be tempted to contact him and "reconnect" with him and we could each have our sexual needs satisfied but THAT is not going to happen! But it is a thought..
> 
> ...


You immediately jumped to the conclusion that I forced my ex or even my current wife to do something but I never indicated that. So I think we are in agreement.

As far as your friend why did he buy a BMW, does he know how many BJ's that could have bought, he should have kicked her to the curve and saved that money to find someone else.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Actually I never said I thought you forced your wife to do anything. I just said that I couldn't do a rim job. I wasn't talking specifically about you..Just in general. You did what was good for you. I don't judge, I just comment. 

My friend loves his wife. She also told him she didn't want any kids. This man was a confirmed bachelor who got married even though he had always vowed to stay single. He didn't want children and she vowed she'd never force him to have them. Next thing he knew, he was going through in-vitro with her. I recall him telling me that he hoped that it wouldn't "take". It did and now he has a 7 year old daughter that he adores. 

He loves and adores his wife too, despite her problems they have a lot in common. They have a common bond. That's why he stays with her and I guess that's why he bought her a car...so that she'd stay happy and make him happy. Plus she DOES love him. I've seen them together so I know it as a fact. It's not perfect but the feelings are there. 

I guess all his falling-in-love crap is probably why I put up with the grief I've had in my marriage and my husband has put up with me. It works both ways. However I do see where there will be an end to my patience....

That said, I'm probably more like you than you realize. If I could do it all again I'd NEVER marry anyone. I'm just not cut out for it. Any serious relationship I've engaged in has ended like a bad train wreck. I'll never make that mistake again.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Wow it sounds like some have an ax to grind on here, I was very up front about my sexual likes, if you know thats what they are into upfront and dont like it then simply dont date them. I was upfront with my first wife and she baited and switched how is that fair to me, she could have just said no thanks upfront, we could have had a coke and finished up the date and called it a day.
> 
> If your not into it thats fine just dont pretend to be into it and then stop doing it after your married because yea that will get you a divorce.


I'm curious. How do the women you dated respond to being asked about sex acts on the first date? 
How many women did you have to date before you got a positive hit? 
Do you get the sex and then fall in love or are the sex acts enough for you to marry? 
Do you love your wife. 
Would you divorce her if she got tired of doing those sex acts? What do you bring to the table besides a desire for sex acts? 
Is sex acts the most important thing to you, more than love or the feelings of the other person?

Just curious, I don't think I have heard of a man getting married based on certain sex acts. There is no guarantee that it will continue and then you end up on an end search for a mouth?
Suppose you got divorced and could not find a women who would do it, would you stay single?


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

masturbate in between and try to talk about it! 

I am in an unusual situation in that I got my wife pregnant after knowing her juts short of a year; we learned we were knocked up in June (around Father's day!) married in November and had the baby in February. We are very much in love and happy, but sex has been frustrating for me. What is most frustrating is that we never knowingly had a honeymoon. We had loads of fun and great sex in the beginning, never knowing that was the easiest it would ever be for us.

We are getting back in the saddle, but it is sporadic and unpredictable. A couple weeks ago we had sex 4 times in a week, but since then it's been almost 2 weeks. I'm a pretty horny dude - I could have sex any day maybe multiple times a day (I don't see this in the cards, sadly) but I would be thrilled with 3-5 times a week, willing to settle for 2x a week. Anything less than that and I will just be annoying all the time, and masturbating like a wild baboon.

My wife seems to be holding all the cards at the moment. I am learning to be patient but it is frustrating. Talking about it productively is really really hard though, in our case. Being pretty new in our relationship I don't know how to be honest without coming off to her as whiny or melo-dramatic. I think we just haven't truly learned how to communicate effectively, and it is going to be trial and error for a long time.


----------



## Mika Lynn (May 5, 2011)

this is my situation exactly! I want sex daily; he wants it maybe once every 3 weeks. The thing is, with this large of a gap, how does one even find intimacy? Sex is sex; intimacy is another thing! I feel like I am invisible in my marriage, sexually. I know many men say their wives go into mommy mode after kids and they are not as interested in sex. They get frustrated, but they understand because they have had years of sex without kids. Well, I have NEVER had 'good sex' in my marriage. After kids I was determined NOT to let it affect my sexualness, and I didn't. It seems like my HB thought once we had kids, that the pressure would be off of HIM. I just wonder, is having this much of a sexual discrepancy grounds for divorce? I think it is.


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I'm curious. How do the women you dated respond to being asked about sex acts on the first date?
> How many women did you have to date before you got a positive hit?
> Do you get the sex and then fall in love or are the sex acts enough for you to marry?
> Do you love your wife.
> ...


It was not as hard as you would think, about 5 days after my ex wife left I had a FWB and eventually met my wife a month later. Craigslist would facilitate all the relationship expectations upfront so we knew if we were compatable or not before we had a beer. Just took it from there. Once all the sexual compatability issues are worked out up front things just progress as any normal relationship would, learning about how they handle finances, kids, how tough they are in life, etc. Do they roll up their sleves and get it down or do they puss out and whine all the time, all that kind of stuff you figure out in a relationship.

We both believe that sex (including thoes sex acts) is a HUGE part of a relationship and I do love her, however, we both acknolwage that flagrant refusal is not ok, and she obviously knows flagrant refusal caused my last divorce. She could not understand how a wife would allow the problems to progress when it would have been so easy for my ex to fix, but she dident, she threw the fits and did the whole refusal thing so that was that, life is too short.


----------



## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Mika Lynn said:


> this is my situation exactly! I want sex daily; he wants it maybe once every 3 weeks. The thing is, with this large of a gap, how does one even find intimacy? Sex is sex; intimacy is another thing! I feel like I am invisible in my marriage, sexually. I know many men say their wives go into mommy mode after kids and they are not as interested in sex. They get frustrated, but they understand because they have had years of sex without kids. Well, I have NEVER had 'good sex' in my marriage. After kids I was determined NOT to let it affect my sexualness, and I didn't. It seems like my HB thought once we had kids, that the pressure would be off of HIM. *I just wonder, is having this much of a sexual discrepancy grounds for divorce? I think it is*.


I agree, sexual frustration always gets worse and never gets better. If your partner is refusing you it basicly says that either they dont love you or they are so lazy that they are willing to throw the marriage away becuase they dont want to do X Y or Z. I would not let it go any longer than 6 months, 6 months is more than enough time to talk it over, maybe see a counselor and explain how serious the situation is. If she goes balistic because divorce is now on the table you need to push that time up becuase she will be even more quarlsome to live with.

So one of 2 things will happen, she will say omg im so sorry and immediatly close that gap with you to where your happy and not just settling or she will throw a fit and try to use drama to get you to drop it. She could also just calmly accnoloage the sitaution and cooperate with you on the divorce process, if she is not willing to change her sexual habits to accomodate you this would be the ideal situation.

Once you are in separate residences I would treat her like you were already divorced because if she is uncooperative it could be over a year before your divorce is final and I dont know about you but im not going to sit around being celibate for a year or more.

If she goes histerical you need to sell the house without her knowing and get everything arranged, remember possession is 9/10's of the law if you get all your stuff out and in a storage unit or your parents house your good. The hardest part will be getting a new place and selling the one your in now because you are so used to living the way you are now.


----------

