# How much does your husband understand period issues?



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm trying to figure out if my husband was being a jerk on this one, or if I'm expecting too much understanding.

As quickly as possible: I'm anemic. I was getting my period every 3 weeks for the last 2 years, and it's super heavy, so no surprise. Because it's so heavy (I soak through a super tampon and pad every hour or so for about half a day at the heaviest), there are some things I'm not willing to do on that day. One of them is train travel. I have to change my pad/tampon too often, it's no fun for me, and the bathrooms are gross. I have to remind him of this every time, but whatever. 

Ok, so obviously I'm not getting over the anemia like this, so in October I started the pill. You're supposed to start this on Day 1 of your period, so I wait for that. While I'm waiting, I'm noticing my breasts are looking bigger, and everything smells and tastes funny. Pregnancy? I was TERRIFIED! Up until this point we were using withdrawl for BC (yes, I know). Well, finally it's the Saturday my period is due. H had wanted to go away this weekend, but I told him no way, my period was due. So Saturday comes, no period, and I finally tell him that I'm so afraid I might be pregnant. He was going to the drugstore while I took the girls to the grocery store, so he said no biggie, he was SO sure I wasn't (?? because withdrawl is so great?) but that he'd pick up a test there.

Well, he forgot the test. Even though I'd just told him a half an hour earlier that I thought I might be pregnant, it obviously wasn't worth remembering.

However, my period started the next night. Ok, so I start taking my pill. Monday is really heavy, as usual, but then Tuesday is even heavier, and so is Wednesday. I won't go into details, but even I was shocked by the blood flow. We're talking scary amounts of blood and clots. I started to worry that I was miscarrying. H got me a test (we live in his home country and I don't speak the language well enough to get a test), but he got a not very sensitive one, and it came out negative. At least I knew that if I had been pregnant, I wasn't any more.

Wednesday night, he books a weekend trip for Saturday. He says, "Well, I figured your period would be over by then, so you wouldn't mind travelling."

I continued to bleed heavily, ended up seeing an OB on Friday to find out what was going on (no sign of a miscarriage, so it could have just been a reaction to starting the pill. No way to tell really), but I'd lost a LOT of blood that week, and I was feeling utterly awful. Plus emotionally spent from all the worry, both about the volume of blood loss and the possibility of miscarriage.

So, I was really mad at H for booking the trip. I was SO tired, I just wanted to lay in bed all weekend. I probably lost a pint of blood, from an already very anemic state. I felt like he just wanted to take his trip, which he'd reluctantly put off because my period was due the weekend before, and didn't consider what I was going through, even though I explained how much blood I was losing and how worried I was.

Is this just par for the course with men and period issues? Or would you expect your husband to be more supportive?

It's been bugging me for a month (probably partly because I still feel like crap. I am taking iron, but it takes a while.)

Thanks for your perspective on this ladies.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You're period started on Sunday and he booked the trip for the FOLLOWING Saturday. Most women are done within 7 days so I think you're overreacting (just a bit). Unless he's normally an ass he probably truly didn't get how serious this was.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Mine discusses menstrual cups with me. He has no issues buying tampons on my behalf either.

I am truly one of the lucky ones to be honest.

What you describe for periods should be treated more aggressively by a doctor. Could be fibroids, endometriosis. Have you had iron and b12/6 titers checked? Both can cause anemic conditions if too low and heavy menstrual bleeding.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yeah, my period was done, so it's not that he booked the trip on day 7. It's that he booked it because he didn't understand what I was going through, even though I explained very clearly what was going on. 

Do you think men just sometimes disengage when you say the word "clot" to protect some part of themselves from knowing all this? Maybe I shared too much...


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

CantePe said:


> Mine discusses menstrual cups with me. He has no issues buying tampons on my behalf either.
> 
> I am truly one of the lucky ones to be honest.
> 
> What you describe for periods should be treated more aggressively by a doctor. Could be fibroids, endometriosis. Have you had iron and b12/6 titers checked? Both can cause anemic conditions if too low and heavy menstrual bleeding.


I've had a good deal of blood workup done and been checked for fibroids. Not sure about endo, how do they check for that?

I'm giving it until Jan to start feeling better, otherwise I'm going to push for more help. I still feel so, so tired.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sorry, but men can't truly understand what it's like, no matter how many times we try to tell them. I'm guessing it's all TMI for them anyway.

I'm not anemic that I know of, but your heavy day 1-2 sound a lot like me. I just gently remind my husband when I can't do certain things...I tell him "I can't really be away from a washroom for more than an hour or so..." and he clues in as to why. 

Luckily, I work 5 out of 7 days, so am usually at work for those 1-2 blessed days. And as a matter of fact...Whoops! Gotta run!


----------



## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Awwww, I think you're stressed and tired - all of it from the heavy periods, your anaemia and greatest of all - your worry about it! However, I wouldn't blame your husband for being naive about it. My husband would be equally naive too. He just takes my word for it when I hint/say there are some things we can/can't do - i.e. even if it might be a disappointment for him, he gives consideration to my comfort/health without interrogating me too much about it. Seems like this is how your husband went about it too????

Obviously your husband planned something based on your dates and it didn't exactly work that way due to your cycle. He's not sure where you stand at the moment, but does ask you if you might be able to make the trip (possibly something he's planned for a while and looked forward too!) So, when things din't work that way, he was probably a bit dejected. 

I'm trying to turn tables and see how it works... I think I'd be a bit disappointed too if husband had to cancel a trip I'd been careful to plan, because he was uncomfortable and tired (this is how it'll be to them when viewing things from their angle). I would have tried to nudge him and see if we could make it anyway. So, I guess that's what your husband did unless there's a little more to the story! Since, you didn't mention that he was being rude or indifferent about it, I'll just assume he was mildly disappointed - which seems normal to me. 
Why don't you both try and make it up after this cycle comes to an end - a short one, but will be worthwhile nevertheless!

It's difficult for them to really understand it, since there's only so much you can empathize with something that you don't endure yourself...

Also, please do follow up on your check ups...my mom had these issues when she had fibroids... I know you've ruled out fibroids, but could be something else...I don't mean to scare you, but your bleeding does not sounds normal...best of luck...


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

northernlights said:


> I've had a good deal of blood workup done and been checked for fibroids. Not sure about endo, how do they check for that?
> 
> I'm giving it until Jan to start feeling better, otherwise I'm going to push for more help. I still feel so, so tired.


Endo is checked with ultrasound and medical history taken from the patient. Do get you b 12/6 levels checked because it is not a standard test, thyroid would be another one to check too... both done by blood work but you have to specifically ask for those.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I can't remember for sure about B6/12, but they've checked thryoid, that was normal too. I was surprised, because I thought that might really be it. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping weight on, but I've been like this my whole life. Plus anxiety has been high for the past few months and I'm one of those people that burns up calories worrying. It runs in the family. 

Thanks for all the input, though. I guess I was counting on him having a better understanding of the tiredness especially, but I think it is one of those things that until you've experienced it, it's hard to really get it.

He did ask me if I wanted to do the trip or not before he booked it on Wednesday, and I told him "I don't know, let's talk about it later." I meant I didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids, who were right there, but I guess he took it as an "I don't care."

It's hard, because he's often passive-aggressive, and I couldn't tell if him booking the trip was a way to punish me for expecting my period the week before. But I think it's wrong to assume that because he's SOMETIMES passive-aggressive, that everything he does is passive-aggressive. Sometimes he's just being clueless, which while annoying, isn't really a problem for me.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hubby is definitely not sensitive - he's a suck it up and deal with it kinda guy, doesn't this happen every month for 40 years? Since he has an extremely high pain tolerance, he's not so good sometimes with these issues even though he's a retired medic.

I don't take it too personally, I just say what I can/will do in the frame that I'm comfortable accommodating for him. The rest is his problem if he chooses to be upset with it.

I'm sorry you're having such severe issues - hope you get some relief soon!


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Ok, I was feeling like this wasn't a big deal, then I put the kids to bed and found myself stewing about it again. I still feel like, here I was, bleeding to death, exhausted, and worrying that I might be miscarrying, and he's still thinking about the weekend? It's not like we never go away for the weekend, we do that all the time... Plus, we're not talking relaxing weekends at a B&B with no kids, which I could understand that he would think might be a nice thing for me. We're talking tons of walking, out in the city all day, utterly exhausting sightseeing (with the kids) weekend away. 

:-(

Maybe this is a love languages thing? Where I feel like he shows he cares by acting concerned about whether I live or die, and he shows he cares by thinking about which city he wants to visit? Ok, that was *****y, but better here than saying it to him, right?! God I need a girls' night out!!!!


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It might be a case of bad communication skills. 

For me, I'd be thrilled that my husband was planning a weekend for the whole family even if I weren't feeling well but for you, that isn't what you need/want. 

He really may not 'get' the whole picture and how drained this is making you.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yeah, we have kind of a long back story with the whole communication department. That's really our main issue, and we're working on figuring it out. It's a long story, but the crux of it is, I feel like everything falls on deaf ears with him. I guess this is why this incident upsets me as much as it does. Logically, I get that it really could be a "man stops listening when wife talks about the size of the clots she just birthed there in the bathroom," but given how he's never responded to me needing help with the exhaustion, I can't help but tack it on to that bigger issue. 

My exhaustion really started last summer. Our younger daughter, then three years old, still had never slept through the night. Since birth. She was waking me up 5 - 10 times per night most nights. It was truly, truly awful. I asked him for help over and over again (very specifically, I asked him to please take the girls out to breakfast so I could sleep in just one morning). He's a freelancer who works from home with a huge amount of control over his schedule. But he never did it. Never! I asked again and again, begged, cried... nothing. I told him I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown... no help. So, now I'm anemic, and I needed him to be there for me, understand that I might just need to spend the weekend in bed, and he didn't. So it kind of re-opened that old wound.

But, I don't want to re-open that wound, especially if this is one case in which 95% of guys would do exactly what he did. I see how that's unfair to both of us. 

Gah. I guess I'm lying to myself when I say that I am capable of evaluating this without placing it in the context of our history. I am trying though.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It easier said than done - I think most of us tend to include our past when faced with current circumstances.

Are you able to get him to sit down face to face without interruptions and have a conversation about how you feel when he does these things? Not 'you always' or that sort of thing but a productive discussion?


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I feel for you.

Sometimes, you just want a hug from your man & him to say "Everything will be okay".. (even if it's not okay... I will want to hear the words).

It does sound like he's been dealing with the flow issues for a while. Before this trip he booked, you did normally only flow heavy that first day or two.... and He had no way to "know", or to plan that this period would be so much different & still be going & clotting on Friday, much less the weekend.

So , I don't think that for this one time you can justify it as him just being a selfish a$$. 

I do agree with maybe it being a lanuages of love thing. He thinks booking a family outing is showing his love of wanting to do exciting stuff with you & the kids. You think showing his love would be more of a cuddle, or do this extra chore for me (ie, kids out to breakfast). 

About the periods... I know, You didn't really start this for advice on that, but.... while we're here...
Even before waiting for B6/12 test.. I would really suggest to start taking some B6/B12 or super B complex vitamins. The more the better. See if they help after taking them faithfully for a month.

Another question. Are you diabetic &on metformin?? I ask because metformin with long term use is known for B12 deficiency. I guess your gut doesn't absorb B12 anymore or is decreased. So taking B suppliments might not work if you've been on metformin for a long long time. You might need B12 shots.

If so, the B6/12 test would be prudent to ask from the doctor.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm not sure. I'm not sure I know what a productive discussion even looks like, to be honest. If I tell him how I feel, he'll either deny, outright lie, or make excuses first. For a really long time, I was taking the bait here and ending up in big fights with him about what actually happened. This was making me feel hopeless about the relationship and utterly insane. 

Only recently have I been able to avoid the lying/denying trap. He still starts by lying ("No, that's not what happened..."), but now I tell him I was there, and I will not debate what happened, and just stop. I refuse to engage in a discussion if he's going to lie. 

Sometimes he'll just say, "you're right, that was ****ty of me, I'm sorry." Historically though, that's been followed by the exact same behavior. Now I feel like his apologies are a way of buying another chance with me.

I have a post in the private members section that explains the rest of our history, which is kind of sensitive, if you want to see that. I don't want to talk about it on a board that can be searched, though.

Thanks for your time reading this and responding. It really does help to just talk.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I deal with some constant health problems that can be really draining, and I dont think my H ever really "gets it". I try to keep them to myself as much as I can, and power through it whenever I can, but I've learned not to expect him to really understand. 

I've dealt with severe anemia so I know exactly how crappy you feel. It's bad. I took iron supplements for a long time with no relief and ended up having to get a couple of blood transfusions before I felt better.

The hard part for me (and probably for you, too) is that on the outside I appear to be a normal human being. It's not like I am missing a limb, or have a head wound, or I'm in a wheelchair. So since I appear normal, people (including my husband) expect that I can handle normal daily activities, when I sometimes can't.

I have learned to largely deal with my illnesses on my own but I do stand up for myself when my husband expects me to do something that I know I cannot do. Your example of going away for a weekend - I would just tell my H flat out, No I will not join you, I am too sick. He can be disappointed, or think I am a b!tch all he wants, but I really won't do something I know I can't handle anymore. I suffer too much physically when I do that. I've learned what my limits are and I don't push them anymore, at least not until I get my health sorted out. It's been hard not to resent him sometimes when he gets angry or pouty with me when I put my foot down about something, but I try to cut him some slack at the same time because I know he has never been sick like this before and cannot understand what I am going through. People who don't deal with a chronic illness just can't understand how it feels. 

Continue to seek treatment for yourself and push your issues on doctors, because no one should have to live with the amount of daily anguish that you are living with. I have found that I have to really be forceful with the medical community in order to get any attention for the same reasons that everyone else ignores my issues - I appear perfectly normal. Keep plugging away at being your own advocate.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I'm not sure. I'm not sure I know what a productive discussion even looks like, to be honest. If I tell him how I feel, he'll either deny, outright lie, or make excuses first. For a really long time, I was taking the bait here and ending up in big fights with him about what actually happened. This was making me feel hopeless about the relationship and utterly insane.
> 
> Only recently have I been able to avoid the lying/denying trap. He still starts by lying ("No, that's not what happened..."), but now I tell him I was there, and I will not debate what happened, and just stop. I refuse to engage in a discussion if he's going to lie.
> 
> ...


I don't think your problems/anger with them stem from your period and how the planned trip went, but from the other issues you have with him lying along with other issues. I think this topic is only a symptom of the real problem, which you have yet to deal with together. 

I have always had horrible periods, extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I was basically incapacitated for a couple days, in bed with heat packs and high dose pain medication. It was bad, but my husband has always been very sweet and understanding. He was the one who took me to the doctors where I was diagnosed with endometriosis. If you haven't been checked for endo, it may be something to look into.


----------



## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Hmmm I can see some of the members mentioning about it being a different love language thingy and I thought it could be the same too...being under the impression that this was more like one-off behaviour... till you wrote something about earlier incidents...where he would not take the children out for breakfast even when you begged him to so you could catch up on some sleep...that sounds very indifferent and somewhat punitive (forgive me for saying so) 

I'm sensing some passive-aggressiveness in his behaviour... like sometimes he's getting back at you and other times he's not really getting-back at you, but not being as sensitive as you would like him to be and you're not able to differentiate which is which... 

has he been like this all the time with all of your past incidents with illness/sickness etc or only with the recent anaemia/heavy flow?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sorry to hear you have to deal with that type of menstruation. 

What are you doing to help with your anaemia?

Try not to stew, don't allow that resentment to seep in. Sometimes when those types of moments are stewed upon they become more sinister in our minds than they probably deserve. I won't sugar coat this - you know that you didn't have a miscarriage, you know that you weren't literally bleeding to death, so keep yourself checked into the realities of what has happened otherwise, those hypothetical thoughts are just going to cause more anger directed towards your husband. If communication needs to be worked on, go from there, but keep it in the present and while we are all emotional beings, I find sticking to facts is helpful to me when I'm processing something. It doesn't mean I'm cold and factual, I'm still very much feeling, but it helps me to reign in run-away thoughts that have a tendency to be completely unhelpful to me otherwise.

As for how much my husband understands...when I have mentioned a bit of detail as to why I was feeling crap, he has said he doesn't need to know the details, just how he can help me. I don't suffer in the way you do physically, but it does have a tendency to affect me physically in other ways - nausea, shivering, fever, cramps. A few years back when I was curled up in pain and couldn't go to work, he said along the lines of "Other women go through this too and they carry on and go to work." Oh boy. I think he saw his own words lingering in the air in front of him, and it was too late, time slowed down a little and those words were just out there lol. I told him many of my friends aren't affected the way I am but it's my body and this is what happens with me and I wasn't concerned with other women, because they aren't in my skin. He later apologised and hasn't mentioned anything of that nature since. He since demonstrates understanding and is supportive. 

However I need to look into what I can do to help myself. I spoke with a girlfriend who recommended acupuncture. I was planning to do this soon, but just recently I have been improving the way I eat and increasing exercise and last month I had minimal symptoms. I've also been reading up on certain foods and how eating certain types of food during the cycle can support the body.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I had exactly the same issues. My period got heavier and heavier untill it was constant, I was anemic and very very sick. 

Are you o super dose iron tablets? If not go to your Dr and get some.

The pill may not work t didn't for me. I had two D&C's which also didn't work, got even sicker and ended up have an oblation done.

Now all is well, I'm healthier then I have been in years.

Anemia is very serious, so please keep going to the Dr until you get someone who will treat you properly. It makes you so physically exhausted, it's like running a marathon every day.

Also find some info on on how it effects your well being and share it will your husband so he has an idea of how you feel.

Good luck.


----------



## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

Make sure you are taking at least 65mg of elemental iron (which equates to about 325mg ferrous per dose) 3x times a day for severe anemia. I was anemic as well, due to my period. It sucks, but its 100% treatable. You can get iron injections from a physician as well if the supplements don't work or if the fatigue is extreme. 

I am lucky, my H treats me well during my period. He isn't embarrassed to go buy tampons or pads for me if needed, and will usually go out of his way to pamper me a little if I am feeling really bad.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I'm only on 1x per day iron right now, I was hoping that in combination with the pill (therefore less bleeding), that would be enough. I know the bleeding in Oct set my iron levels back, so I thought I'd give myself to Jan to see some improvement. I was taking 2x a day there for a while after the crazy period.

He definitely doesn't understand how I feel as far as being exhausted from the anemia. That is really frustrating. I've told him what it feels like, but he still doesn't get it. Part of it is my fault, in that I'm the kind of person that insists I can tough through, and I think I end up fooling him, instead of myself, into believing that I can just willpower through to an ordinary day.

Thanks for the thoughts. We will eventually start MC, and hopefully that will give us a chance to work through the communication issue.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Zing said:


> has he been like this all the time with all of your past incidents with illness/sickness etc or only with the recent anaemia/heavy flow?


He's never been the type to take care of me when I'm sick. In fact, he doesn't even take care of himself when I'm sick, so I usually end up still doing everything for him, like cooking dinner.

Oh me oh my, we've had such a dysfunctional dynamic for so long! I was reading some of babygirl23's posts up above, and I feel like I was so much like her when I was a newlywed. I was so, so excited to be the perfect wife, and I absolutely delighted in meeting H's every need. I really truly didn't expect anything from him, as far as I was aware anyway. Only I had more of an independent streak wherein I was happy to prove to H and the world that I didn't need anyone to take care of me in return.

So, we were happy like that for a long time. I cooked and did all the laundry for him when I was sick, when I was pregnant, when I was exhausted from taking care of a newborn... I not only didn't mind when he didn't return the caring, or got me crappy gifts for my birthday like a new toothbrush, I took it as proof that I didn't need anything from anyone. It made me feel good about myself.

Well, that crashed and burned. Two kids (one of whom literally didn't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time until she turned 4), and I finally cried uncle. I do need help. I'm not superwoman or invincible. And H just isn't there... he's not bad all the time, and he's slowly making changes. He went to the grocery store today, he never does that. But he's still, ultimately, very selfish. I had a lump in my breast and swollen lymph nodes in my groin last winter, and when I told him, he just said, "Hm, that's weird." I told him I was just going to give it a few months to go away, and he thought that was a good plan. He never asked me about them again, I think he forgot. They didn't go away, I saw my Dr, and the lump was just a fatty cyst (whew!). THe lymph nodes are a mystery. But the Dr ordered blood work because of my fatigue (but also said that the kind of sleep deprivation I went through with the little one can take a while to recover from), and H was upset about the cost of the bloodwork (turned out to be $40, not that that should matter. If it cost $400, I'd like to think that my health was more important than the money. Besides, we have a lot of money!!). 

Sorry, I'm opening the floodgates... what I'm trying to get at is that we had a really unhealthy dynamic for our first 9 years together. Then I started to feel unhappy, and I asked him for things like more help, but I didn't yet realize that I was essentially asking him to change the very nature of our marriage. About a year ago, I put it to him in these terms. I apologized for changing so much that I needed our entire relationship to do a 180. I told him, I married you happy with who you were, and now I'm asking you to change that. I get that that's unfair, but I don't know how else to move forward.

Well, I haven't gotten much response from him, and things are getting worse, because I'm getting angry at his slow response. ANd when he does things like what I told you about in this post, I automatically add it to the list of ways he's not stepping up like I've asked. Then I struggle with whether that's fair or not. Then I get frustrated because I feel like I'm the only one in this relationship who sees the problem and wants it fixed. 

THEN I try to convince myself that if I can believe that if all of these things can be explained away in isolation, then there's no pattern here and it's all in my head, because I'm overly demanding and expect too much.

Sorry to go on and on. It does help to get it all out. If any one of you help me see where I can work on myself here, I would appreciate it. I get that I can only change myself. So far though, changing myself has been the cause of my problems!


----------



## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Well, ideally the period shouldn't take this long and the blood loss shouldn't be this heavy. But you've been together for some time, so he should know if by now. The pill should make the periods shorter (at least that's what happened in my case), but in your case it might not work that well, provided you have these serious problems.

Anyway, I think a nice chat with him wouldn't hurt. I agree he's not acted like a true gentleman (he should have at least asked you if you think you'll be better so that you can travel) and, given the huge blood loss anemia is to be expected.

What has the OB told you? I'm no expert, but what you're going through is not really normal (at least no 'my' normal ).

Keeping our fingers crossed. Just relax and try to recover. Men are sometimes insensitive, that's it


----------



## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

For starters, I need to ask - does your husband do anything at all? Do you work? If you're working and still doing ALL of it, I don't even know what to say other than 
If you're a SAHM and he's not extending a helping hand, a compassionate ear or a supportive shoulder then he's a bit insensitive, a bit clueless, a bit selfish and quite spoilt... does he come from such a family where the ladies in the house do all the work and the men only put their feet up when at home... 10 years and this is the first time he's going to buy groceries???

Obviously you do realize you've pampered him a lot and if he's not grown in a environment where he's required/expected/taught to help around he'd never know...You need to teach him this too...
step by step... maybe by making lists (since its not naturally in him to offer you help even when you're unwell)...let him start with doing the grocery shopping and taking out the trash... even THAT'S half an hour saved in a day for you and far less resentment...
There's nothing wrong in kindly showing him examples from the past where you've cared for him to no end...and why he wouldn't do the same to you... 

If even this doesn't help some on this site recommend the 180 where you don't show him excess affection, don't do his work for him etc etc.. I'm no expert on that.. but if push comes to shove maybe thats what needs to be done.. avoid him unless necessary and avoid his work at all costs... do your's and the kid's work.... let him learn how much you're doing.. he can't take you for granted forever!



northernlights said:


> Or got me *crappy gifts for my birthday like a new toothbrush*, I took it as proof that I didn't need anything from anyone. It made me feel good about myself.
> 
> THe lymph nodes are a mystery. But the Dr ordered blood work because of my fatigue (but also said that the kind of sleep deprivation I went through with the little one can take a while to recover from), and *H was upset about the cost of the bloodwork* (turned out to be $40, not that that should matter. If it cost $400, I'd like to think that my health was more important than the money. Besides, we have a lot of money!!).


I know different people have different means of showing or gauging love...like some are more supportive, some more encouraging, some talk, some act etc... but from what you've written above I'm not able to see the 'love' for you that I should be seeing...however angry or resentful, people generally wouldn't do such things to their spouses... 

Now I shouldn't be saying this (especially if your marriage is generally healthy/happy)...but for any third person reading the above it appears like you've loved your husband more than he's loved you all through... hope thats not the case and I'm mistaken... maybe he needs a shake up!



northernlights said:


> I didn't yet realize that I was essentially asking him to change the very nature of our marriage. About a year ago, I put it to him in these terms. I apologized for changing so much that I needed our entire relationship to do a 180. *I told him, I married you happy with who you were, and now I'm asking you to change that. I get that that's unfair,* but I don't know how else to move forward.


You are not asking a blonde to become a brunette.. you are asking an unhelpful person to become more helpful...when you started off you didn't have children... you were healthy... now you're not... so it's not the same! If we marry an angry person (who's got other redeemable qualities otherwise), there's nothing wrong in expecting him/her to change as its a better dynamic for him/her and the family as a whole... the same goes for alcoholics...so why not for unhelpful spouses....



northernlights said:


> Sorry to go on and on. It does help to get it all out. If any one of you help me see where I can work on myself here, I would appreciate it. I get that I can only change myself. So far though, changing myself has been the cause of my problems!


Because, as you said you're rocking the boat... but you need to keep going at it... as we grow older, we're not going to become fitter (unless you're very unfit now and make drastic changes to make yourself fit!) so you will need his help in future (and he your's) its better to learn now than to repent later on...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

northernlights said:


> I was getting my period every 3 weeks for the last 2 years, and it's super heavy, so no surprise. Because it's so heavy (I soak through a super tampon and pad every hour or so for about half a day at the heaviest), there are some things I'm not willing to do on that day. One of them is train travel. I have to change my pad/tampon too often, it's no fun for me, and the bathrooms are gross. I have to remind him of this every time, but whatever.


My periods are exactly the same! I know how horrible it is. It takes me a week to recover. I hate that I even have to go to work the first three days of my period. I'm so tired I could sleep for three days straight. I also have horrible cramping and my whole body aches. I tell people I get the flu once a month. I feel your pain!

My H is sympathetic with me for one reason. A few years ago we read that it's a good idea to take bee pollen so we tried some. Well, we didn't look up how much to take and so we took about a tablespoon. BAD IDEA!! The feeling was exactly like the first day of my period. My stomach hurt, i was cramping, my body ached, i was exhausted. No blood of course but the overall feeling was the same. It knocked my H out!! Hahaha. He was laying on the floor groaning and whining the entire day. He said he thought he was going to die. LOL. So I have a wonderful reference for him to understand the pain of my period. He is always sympathetic with me and very understanding. 

Get your H to take a tablespoon of pure, raw bee pollen. he'll be on the floor crying like a baby. haha. then you can tell him that's how you feel for a week, every three weeks. have him take the bee pollen every time you're on your period.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Blanca said:


> Get your H to take a tablespoon of pure, raw bee pollen. he'll be on the floor crying like a baby. haha. then you can tell him that's how you feel for a week, every three weeks. have him take the bee pollen every time you're on your period.


Ha ha! This might get me further. It kills me because when we both get the same illness, he's better in hours (Literally! Hours!), and it's a week, minimum, for me. We all got this stomach bug last winter, and it was a month before I didn't feel awfully nauseous every time I ate. He was better in 2 days. Is it totally awful that I've been tempted to not flush the toilet during my period? Like, maybe if he saw the volume of blood that I'm talking about, he would get a better understanding... or possibly never have sex with me again... lol. I'm totally just kidding, he would never forgive me if I did that.


Zing, I've been a mostly full-time SAHM. I've worked maybe 10 hours per week on average, as a freelancer, since the kids were born. That's a bit of a point of contention too because H won't take advantage of his flexibility to help me work more, which I'd like to do. He's an at-home freelancer too. I'm fairly certain that about half of our problem is that we've been together 24/7 for 7.5 years. How many couples could survive that? But again, I've asked him to please go to a coffee shop (or his favorite pizza place which has wifi!) to work for a few hours once in a while, and he just says no. If I want space in the relationship, I need to get the kids and get out of the house. When I say that that's unfair, he just doesn't respond.

We WERE nice and happy, but now I'm unhappy, so don't worry about my feelings or dumping on H. He's an only child of an alcoholic father and totally self-absorbed mother, so he definitely never learned how to take care of himself, or responsibility for other people, at home. 

The resentment has started to kick in on my end though. You know, I do things like make lists of rules and chores for the kids, and I really resist doing it for H too. I already feel like the parent in the relationship, and if I have to teach him how to be an adult, I'm afraid I'll resent him forever for it. Plus I just don't have the energy. I used to tell him that if he needed to stick a note on the wall next to his computer to remind him to do something nice for me that day, he should. 

I'm also resenting that I told him 3 years ago that I was starting to feel unhappy, and I needed him to do a few little things for me. I resent that he didn't just put in a tiny bit of effort then, when that's all I was looking for. Now we're past the point where he could just help me out a bit and keep us on course. I'm reading divorce busters, and I get that I did my part by just continuing to ask in the same way that had never before yielded results, and yet expected that the next time it would yield results, and that's flawed. At the same time, he's a grown up! I don't quite buy the idea that I'm responsible for whether or not he follows through on the things we talk about.

I hope this makes sense, I'm trying to keep it from being too long. I guess I failed there! If you want the rest of the stuff I'm leaving out here, I have a post in family and relationships, and one in the general forum, that have the rest of the story. The family and relationships one is pretty frightening, be warned.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my gosh ladies, I've been taking the B vitamins for a week now and I feel SO much better! THANK YOU!!!!!!! What a world of difference! :smthumbup:


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Hubby is definitely not sensitive - he's a suck it up and deal with it kinda guy, doesn't this happen every month for 40 years? Since he has an extremely high pain tolerance, he's not so good sometimes with these issues even though he's a retired medic.
> 
> I don't take it too personally, I just say what I can/will do in the frame that I'm comfortable accommodating for him. The rest is his problem if he chooses to be upset with it.
> 
> I'm sorry you're having such severe issues - hope you get some relief soon!


I have to admit I would see it exactly the same way. This is your routine for half your life. Deal with it. I'd resent having to plan our lives around periods. I'd be supportive for a short term abnormal problem, but if this is your routine every month period then not so much. I've only recently started paying attention to the period calender, and only because I don't want to be sexless on a trip. Ya, I suppose I'm a pig.

By the way, do you know what you call a woman who uses the pull out method? Mom. Hahaha


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband will not discuss the period issue with me unless something is medically wrong and I need a hysterectomy. He does not want to hear about it, which is fine. Since he does all the shopping, he buys my all my tampons and our daughters pads/tampons. That is the extent of it. I have a lot of UTI/Kidney infections, which he will talk to me about and they cause a lot of problems down there.


----------



## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Hi dear,
so sorry to come back late to you.. and thanks for your lovely pm... I've been a bit busy over the past 4-5 days and haven't been able to respond properly...
but, it seems like you are dealing with the issue well now... (from the sound of your words)
All I'd say is tackle it one at a time...start with the health issues since that should take precedence ... and by this I mean making your husband understand that what you're going through is not 'made up' or 'exaggerated'.. its something you are truly going through and that maybe you are more delicately built than him.. so comparisons would be tough... has he ever accompanied you to your doc appointments...if not, that would be a start...

also for wanting some space from him...how about some hobbies (even cooking classes or something simple) or voluntary work when your kids are off at school? I know you said you are in a country that you don't have many friends... but isn't there anyone you could even drop in during teatime... ? If not, why not begin having friends like us in the virtual world (on safe websites like TAM I mean) why not dropping on in less-depressing sections like the social spot etc... I know it's brought smiles to my face many times... 

will still be here if you need a supportive ear to vent out to


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've only recently started paying attention to the period calender, and only because I don't want to be sexless on a trip. Ya, I suppose I'm a pig.


What do you mean, sexless on a trip? You don't change the way you approach sex due to her period, do you? Doesn't it happen every month for 40 years? You should just deal with it.



WorkingOnMe said:


> By the way, do you know what you call a woman who uses the pull out method? Mom. Hahaha


It's how we wound up with our first, which is why I was surprised he would insist that I couldn't _possibly _be pregnant. 

I still see the same GP that I used as a pediatrician when I was a kid (so, I've known him for a long time!). When he asked about birth control and I told him about the withdrawl, he just cracked up. I got a kick out of his honesty!


----------



## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

My husband is very understanding of my period. He goes and buys my tampons and pads (The right ones!!). He has even had to eye some blood to give his opinion of whether my it was normal after I had my baby. 

He also knows we will not be taking any trips while I'm on it. He's not one for period sex and he knows I will not be on my A game for all activities. Although its been a while since we have traveled we used my period tracker to plan things when we did.

Sorry your going through this, periods absolutely suck.


----------

