# Wife separated from me



## sadchristopher (Nov 23, 2017)

My wife separated from me three weeks ago. She moved in with her brother and is staying there in his spare bedroom. At first we told each other that we loved each other. Now she doesn't want us to do that anymore to each other. This just came about last sunday. Mind you at the end of the conversation she told me that she loved me. Then that monday we finished up the paperwork that we have to do each year for me being on my wifes insurance. Just a little back story here on everything. We have been together for 8 years and have been married for two years. When we got together she had to only take two pills for her mental illness. Since then, 8 years later she is now on 11 pills. Her actions I find very confusing on things that she has done these last three weeks. She also last sunday said that she did not think she was going to be coming back home. her reasoning is cause she did not cry at the card that i got her but yet she greatly appreciated it. The card was a inspirational card to make here self-confidence better. I told here is was not intended to make her cry. She also said that she feels empowered and was waking up happy now. She was worried cause she was not at home with these feelings. I told her she was overthinking all of it. More to the back story. In the last year she has been admitted to the mental hospital two times. Brings me to today, She sent me a good morning happy thanksgiving. For someone that wants to leave. Why do that. I send her a inspirational meme every morning. this morning it was There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. She told me she liked that one. then said i do have something to be thankful for. I told her i had a few to be thankful for and she sent back you have alot start doing some soul searching. Should all this back and forth in her thoughts and the way she acts are very confusing to me. I know the mental illness is playing a part in all of this. I dont know how to go about handling all of this with her.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is she or has she done any of the following:

Hides her phone from you, locks it always, password you don’t know. 
Same for her tablet/computer. 
Is texting/messaging all the time. 
Uses apps like WhatsApp where conversations can be deleted
Lost weight/got in better shape.
Started dressing sexier. 
Buys sexier underwear. 
Late often, or unexplained abscence of time. 
Drastic change in your sex life. 
Has been telling you for years the things you do to make her unhappy.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to rule out she is hiding an affair. Her claiming no is pointless. Cheaters always lie.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Stop talking to her. And FFS don’t send her memes. Y’all have kids together? If no on Kids all the easier to ghost the f*c* out of her. 

Serve her with divorce papers. See what she does. I wish I’d of done that when someone told me to have my ex served post haste. I didn’t listen. Three weeks is too long. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sadchristopher (Nov 23, 2017)

out of all of those that you listed would be texting all the time. she took her facebook down cause she was on there to much. the ringer for the texts where never turned down low. when we did anything together the phone was not important to her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She's mentally ill. Why would anything she does be a surprise?

Why would you choose to marry a mentally I'll person that is getting worse, not better?

I think you should be thankful she's her brother's circus now and move on.

Anytime a woman wants a separation and tells you she doesn't love you---/ time to let them go and wish them happiness, usually with their new man...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Not to sound callous, but OMG man take the opportunity and get out of this relationship. What's wrong with you that wants to be with a mentally ill woman?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

The OP may be mentally ill himself....just saying don't make assumptions.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Vibrant: LOL, I think You're right!!!!


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Geez, some of the posters on this thread should be ashamed of themselves! This guy is coming here for help. I would be surprised if this thread hasn't driven him away yet.

OP, I do think you should rule out cheating. Go check out your phone bill and see if you can see those texts. If there's been a lot from a certain new number or if there are any pictures sent back and forth. If there is an affair, you won't be able to move forward until it is squashed.

If you can rule out an affair, I think you may have to do a 180 on her. You can look it up and get more information on it. If she has decided to leave, you can't just "nice" her back. Be strong, be confident, and have the attitude of well, you left me, so I am moving on. That may wake her up. But the 180 is more designed to help you detach emotionally. 

Her mental illness may well be driving her behavior, and there may not be many of us on this board that are qualified to really help you delve into the whys of it. May I ask what kind of mental illness she has? That may shed some light.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

sadchristopher said:


> ...When we got together she had to only take two pills for her mental illness. Since then, 8 years later she is now on 11 pills. Her actions I find very confusing on things that she has done these last three weeks..


 @sadchristopher - With all due respect, if you decide you want to keep this relationship alive, you need to get to the bottom of the medications she is on. If it is indeed 11 different meds, then you need to find a pdoc who is an expert in his field to evaluate her treatment. Many times, the mental hospitals are staffed with pdocs who are young and inexperienced. A good pdoc will try to tailor the treatment to her condition, not drown her in pills. I bet you some of her meds are working at cross purposes to each other. Once you get her stabilized, then maybe things will get better for you.


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## sadchristopher (Nov 23, 2017)

we had that issues when she went into the hospital. they said that some of the meds that she was on were drowning each other out. she moved out so I am really on the sidelines right now with everything that is going on with all of it.


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## sadchristopher (Nov 23, 2017)

she suffers from three of them. she has boarderline personality disorder, bipolar 2, anxiety.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> She has borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2, anxiety.


Chris, given that she has full-blown BPD (Borderline PD), those other two disorders are not unexpected because the vast majority of BPDers suffer from one or two clinical disorders. A recent study found that 81% of female BPDers also suffer from a co-occurring anxiety disorder -- and 41% of them suffer from bipolar disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.



> When we got together she had to only take two pills for her mental illness. Since then, 8 years later she is now on 11 pills.


None of those pills target her BPD. No existing meds can make a dent in BPD. Not one dent. The meds are targeted, instead, to treating the bipolar and anxiety disorders. Of course, when the pills reduce her mood swings and anxiety, the reduction in stress should result in a reduction of her BPD behavior -- because such behavior can be aggravated by stress. The underlying BPD "disorder," however, is still there and remains untouched. The standard treatment for BPD does not use pills but, rather, behavior modification training that usually takes many years to learn in therapy.

Of the three disorders she has, the hardest to treat usually is the BPD. Whereas bipolar usually can be treated fairly successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD treatment usually requires several years (at least) of treatment. Because a BPDer's emotional skills typically are frozen at the level of a four year old, it likely will take much time and hard work to acquire the emotional skills that the rest of us learned in childhood. 

The BPDer needs to learn, for example, how to do self soothing, how to regulate all of her emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong mixed feelings, how to trust, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts," and how to stay aware of the present instead of escaping through daydreams into the past and future. 

Absent those skills, she must continue to rely on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: projection, denial, temper tantrums, magical thinking, and black-white thinking. Sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to seek treatment, much less stay in treatment long enough to make a real difference.



> She sent me a good morning happy thanksgiving. For someone that wants to leave. Why do that?


Both bipolar and BPD produce emotional instability, with the result that what a person wants today often is completely different than what she wants tomorrow or next week. Moreover, a BPDer's desires and perception of your intentions is almost fully determine by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. As soon as her feelings change, her desires and perception will immediately change too. That transition -- a BPD "mood flip" -- typically takes only ten seconds, being triggered by some minor thing you say or do. 

In contrast, bipolar mood "swings" usually take a week or two to develop fully and then last two weeks (or longer) before slowly fading away. If you are interested, Chris, I describe other major differences I've seen between the behavior of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar-1 sufferers (my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. And I describe the red flags for BPD at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those discussions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.



> All this back and forth in her thoughts and the way she acts are very confusing to me.


"Confused" is exactly how you should be feeling after living with a BPDer for 8 years. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> I don't know how to go about handling all of this with her.


Chris, I offer several suggestions: *First*, if you ever decide to divorce her, I suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_. With BPDers, the divorce usually gets very nasty very quickly.

*Second*, in addition to participating here at the TAM forum, start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com, which offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful in your case is the _"__Conflicted or Just Tolerating a Relationship"_ board. 

*Third*, while you're at BPDfamily, read the articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and Leaving a Partner with BPD. At other websites, I recommend these online articles: Pain of Breaking Up and Divorcing a Narcissist. And, for tips on how to establish and enforce strong personal boundaries with a BPDer, I recommend an online blog by a psychiatric nurse. It provides 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at BPD on the Behavioral Unit. If your W exhibits only moderate BPD traits, establishing strong boundaries and validating her feelings likely will help some. If her BPD symptoms are strong, however, it is unlikely that it would result in any substantial improvement in her behavior.

*Fourth*, read an explanation of how we excessive caregivers get to be this way during our childhood. You almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. The best explanation I've found is Shari Schreiber's article, Do You Love to be Needed? Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with parents, our desire to be _needed _(for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be _loved_ (for the men we already are).

*Fifth*, if your W refuses to accept her BPD diagnosis, do not try to persuade her of that. If her therapist is correct about her having full-blown BPD, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer.

*Finally*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, your thread already has attracted nearly 700 views. Take care, Chris.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sadchristopher said:


> she suffers from three of them. she has boarderline personality disorder, bipolar 2, anxiety.


Wow the triple crown. :surprise:

You picked a hard one. Sorry brother.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I’m sorry that you’re getting advice to leave your wife. It’s easy for someone to say but harder to do when this is a person you love. 

All I can say is take care of yourself. Loving someone with mental illness is exhausting so please make sure you’re doing things to look after yourself. Only then can you ensure that your wife has the best care. I hope besides the meds she’s seeing a psychiatrist.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

VibrantWings said:


> The OP may be mentally ill himself....just saying don't make assumptions.


That's right, buoy up both sides of this listing barge.
It is proper.

I do note that she is on pills, lots of them.
The important thing with these AI pills is tailoring the dose.
Not too few, not too many.
Powerful things...drugs.

You can bring down an elephant with enough fermented apples. eh?

From the tone, the repeating beat and his song, he is a nice guy with a problem.
One out of his scope, out of his expertise, and now one out of his hands.

She is in her own hands, maybe soon to be in an others. 

She needs a good man's guidance, a good man's overlook.
Not a un-attending brother.

And for goodness sake, not a POSOM that will attend only to her bottom half, leaving the brain to self-implode on it's chaotic own.
In an apparent drug induced nightmare.

But, the gal left him, flew the coop.
Her fate is her own, his is to worry, to fret and to slowly die inside.

It is easy to say dump her. And that appears the logical course, here, of course.

But his heart has to listen to reason, to this real zone. Reality as is presented.
The heart is a thick headed muscle of a brain.

It beats on while the rest of the body falls down in anguish.

Methinks.

presented by:
Someone from the typing pool.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Uptown said:


> *Finally*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, your thread already has attracted nearly 700 views. Take care, Chris.


And Uptown 'may'now have plugged the hole in this sinking barge of a query, a plea.

Remember folks, a barge has no motor.
It is pushed or pulled by another entity.

In this case, by Dear Husband, DH.

Maybe, anon, his nomenclature, STBXH transforms.........to this acronym. 
It should, may be forced to.

This man cares for his sick wife...bravo.
I hope.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The other thing is this...
She 'may' have separated from you so you do not have to watch her.
Watch her unwind.

Disassemble.
Nice of her, if true.

Good luck..


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