# I don't know what to do



## themorrighan (Feb 9, 2014)

I have been married for three years and things have been very difficult from the beginning.

At the time of our wedding, my husband and I were both christians. We waited until our wedding day to have sex. This was a huge mistake. I was a virgin, he was not, and it was obvious early on that he was not excited about sex at all. This devastated me completely. After a lot of talking and crying over several months, I discovered that he had been sexually abused and, due to the abuse, saw sex as dirty. He also developed erectile dysfunction and, after, six months of me begging, finally got insurance and saw a doctor. He has hypothyroidism, but the doctor also said that it was probably mostly psychological. I asked him to see a counselor for that and for his anger issues. He would not do that.

Our sex life has slowly gotten better with a lot of work. But now we have more issues. 

My husband is a green card holder and had some minor convictions ten years ago. When we were dating, I made sure that those issues were dealt with before we became serious because I'm not an idiot. After about a year of marriage, we found out that he was placed in removal proceedings due to those convictions. This did not happen until long after we were married. He felt horrible and said he never would have asked me to marry him if he'd known this would happen. I believe him because he's really a good man. He's very romantic and he's worked hard to get over the sexual issues. That's not the issue. 

The problem is that the stress from the ongoing case, the sexual issues, the fact that he is working full time and going to school full time has become more than either one of us can bear. He also stopped taking his hypothyroidism meds for a year despite me begging him to continue because he thought he was cured (nto possible - it's a lifelong condition). Finally, after a year of horrible moodiness and depression on his part, he went back to the doctor. His thyroid levels were dangerously low. so now he's just started to go back on medication. He will also begin seeing a counselor this Friday.

Last night he told me he was thinkign of dropping out of school. Since he is going to a college where the credits won't transfer (it's accredited, but the setup is unusual), this woudl mean that the last three years of stress and sacrifice would all be in vain. He is in a dead-end job that he hates. I asked him to consider quitting his job and just focusing on school for his last year since we can live off of my salary. HE is considering that.

What's driving me crazy is that he continuously ignores my opinion and makes terrible decisions that affect us both. I'm glad that he's now beginning to address these issues with counseling, but I feel it might be too late.

I care about him deeply, but I'm no longer attracted to him. I'm tired of being stressed out due to his poor decisions, but I don't want to give up on him either. He's said that he thinks we will have to get divorced if he is deported even though I've said that I would be willing to try to work it out. I tend to view challenges as an adventure, but he does not. I just don't know if I can handle being the positive one for us both any longer. I am totally worn down. I told him that and that's why he finally agreed to go back to the doctor and seek out counseling. 

I feel like my life has been on hold for the past three years so that he could pursue schooling. Now he says he only did it for me even though that's absolutely not what he said in the beginning. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be myself in this relationship anymore. I'm seeing my doctor to get a counseling referral next week. Hopefully that will help.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You sound like you are pretty young and it doesn't sound like you have any children with him.

My question to you is, why settle with a loser? Do you have such low self esteem that you fear you won't find anyone else out there?

Why bother with counseling when the best solution is to kick him out and divorce him? Don't feel guilty about it too. Better to do it now when you are young rather than wait and waste a good portion of your life with someone who doesn't make you happy.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

TM, I commend you for wanting to make your marriage work. 

Bailing is certainly always an option, but if you do that, you learn nothing about how to make a relationship work.

Marriages have recovered and prospered after far worse than what you posted here.

Don't give up until you are certain that's what YOU want, no matter what others tell you. It is YOUR marriage, and YOUR life.


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