# Wish he'd make up his mind - he initiates, or I do...



## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Husband had suggested awhile back that I initiate sex more often.

Fine, no problem - it was my pleasure to comply! I make most of the advances and suggestions. 

But now that I've taken the drivers seat, it's like he's not that interested and it takes awhile to get things swinging sometimes.

Can someone pleaseeeeee explain this to me?? Grrrr!!


Blaze


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

We are complicated beings, we want, we don't want... When in doubt, give him a BJ, all men respond to that eventually. I know I do even when I am not wanting sex!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i wish i had this problem


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Thank you for your replies so far.

I'm in near tears here. This is bothering me something terrible.

Wednesday evening, I did what you guys suggested. No problem, a little hand work up and he responded physically, so I started to give him a BJ and the next thing I knew.. he pops off and .. that was that. Then he announced he had to go to bed because, as he said, "5 am comes early". (I'm so sick of hearing that) Then he said he wanted to do the same for me Thursday night, but I needed to be patient as he has to "work up to it". 

Yesterday came and went and he never made any moves towards me. None. We laid in bed and held hands (his choice) and .. that was that. I was going out of my mind. 

God forbid if I actually verbalized that I want sex! He has suggested that I am pesty lately, so I've backed off. I'm no more pesty than he is when he wants sex. I'm not obnoxious what so ever. THen he said he can't just tell his willie to get hard on a whim. Oh please, when he wants me to give him a BJ or handjob, he gets hard in a heartbeat! It's just when "I" want sex, he can't perform. Sheesh! So I don't dare upset him and ask for anything - heaven forbid he might think I'm pesty or want him to perform. And don't even think of asking him to "touch me down there" !

Background: He thinks my nether regions are gross, I guess. Not that "I" am gross; because I certainly am not. He said he'd feel this way with any woman - he just finds a woman down there to be less than desirable, and I can tell you first hand from watching his physical response quickly fade away when he's barely touched me 'there, that he must feel this way for real'. He been saying that he "has to work up to it", meaning working up his nerve or guts or whatever it is, to touch me "there". Nice, huh?? Makes me feel awful!!! 

Talk about horribly frustrating!

For 20 years I've jumped and done whatever he's wanted sexually. Not always with eager earnest, I admit, but I've done everything he's asked. Some things weren't so pleasant, but I love him so I do it to make him happy and I never let on that I'm not getting into it, I just make the best of it and enjoy watching him enjoy his release. Isn't that what married people do for one another? But I rarely, if ever, got anything in return. Sure, a foot or back rub. Maybe some boob action. That's it. We've been round and round about this over the years and it's always the same song and dance.... it isn't pleasant for him. He'll improve for awhile then back to nothing. And I just go with the flow to keep peace. 

Should I bother suggesting a marriage or sex counseller? Seriously. What's the point, can I actually change him after all this time? Or maybe I need to change and just accept that I'll never be touched the way a married woman should be and deserves to be. 

My God.... I must be a complete idiot. But I do feel love for this man. And I hate to admit this but it's in my financial interest to stick with this marriage. I doubt I could swing it very well by myself. He's never said it but I am sure he is aware of this. 

This kills me though, what have I been doing wrong? I have been a good wife! I am well groomed from head to toe, overweight but I take very good care of myself otherwise. (He's overweight as well) Our home is beautiful and spotless. The dogs are groomed and well behaved. The landscaping is tended to (although he mows). The bills are always paid. I run his errands. His laundry is always done and put away. When he comes home from work, dinner is on the table. Everything here is absolutely perfect (omg, I just had a vision of that stupid movie, Stepford Wifes or something like that) .... except our sex life. 

He loves me, I know he does. And I am positive he's not cheating. And I'm not, in case you wonder. 

I've got a good life. He's a good man. So why am I so upset that this man won't touch me? Why am I upset that he wanted me to initiate sex with him, and now he can't get it up when I do what he asks?? 

Am I that gross or disgusting that he's repulsed by me? No, there's no way. 

All I want is what I need. I'm not asking for this out of selfishness, am I? I just feel a real need here. A real genuine need to be touched. It's killing me to be ignored. I'm going out of my mind. 

And in case you wonder, I masterbate by myself. I even think of him! What else can I do? I have to have sexual release somehow, but it kills me that he's not interested in sharing it with me. From time to time he says he is, but he never puts his money where his mouth is ( or whatever that saying is). I've tried masterbating in front of him twice, but things always turn toward "him", not me and I can't get over that hump and release because he's doing his thing or wanting me to do something to him (sorry if that's graphic). I guess in other words I can't concentrate on myself? 

Ok, sorry this is so whiny, long and graphic, I'm just getting worked up and emotional about this and typing what is coming out of my head... probably not making much sense. I don't know what I can do about this, if anything. And I don't expect anyone here to have any answers. Guess I needed to vent. 

Thanks for listening.
Blaze


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## Gettingnowhere (Oct 9, 2009)

can I ask you if you have ever blow jobed him before?


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Of course I do. All the time. I enjoy it, probably because I love his response to what I'm doing to him. 

Blaze


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## Gettingnowhere (Oct 9, 2009)

sometimes people are in a state of submission with their own confusion/blindness usually they are thinking too hard and wondering to much, you should not force the issue with trying so hard to be perfect in his eyes esp. when he himself can not appreciate it to your standards. He is simply just idling and if sex is such a issue leave it alone for a while. You should do things out of the blue such as wear a sexy lingerie outfit when cleaning or let or surprise him with bringing a sexy girlfriend home (make sure she is 100 percent "les", and say this girl needed a place to stay for a day allow yourself to open up and let her make moves on you act like you don't want to but make sure he can have full visual of both of you all sexed up looking and her touching you in certain ways that drive men wild... if this does nothing to him then I would say you have a very big problem... in other words his body might be having some issues he is embarrass to tell you about...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Blaze, yes, you should suggest sex therapy. He's got an aversion that is killing you inside. He needs to do something about it. I don't honestly know how you made it through 20 years. For that you deserve a medal and more!

The question is, how far are you willing to go to make him understand? Are you willing to challenge the marriage itself, even with potential financial issues? Because after 20 years, I suspect that's what it is going to take.

I rarely recommend not giving sex, but in this case, I could see you refusing to do for him unless your needs are taken seriously and he does the work necessary to overcome whatever his phobia is. How would he feel if you felt that taking him in your mouth were icky or that touching him or that thing that happens at the end that he does is gross? He'd take it personally. Can't he see what his response to you has done to you? Doesn't he care? Isn't that a part of love?

Anyway, you're making perfectly good sense to me.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're kidding, right? Bringing another woman intot he picture is NOT going to do anything for this woman. Did you read her post? He's got problems with the female anatomy.



Gettingnowhere said:


> sometimes people are in a state of submission with their own confusion/blindness usually they are thinking too hard and wondering to much, you should not force the issue with trying so hard to be perfect in his eyes esp. when he himself can not appreciate it to your standards. He is simply just idling and if sex is such a issue leave it alone for a while. You should do things out of the blue such as wear a sexy lingerie outfit when cleaning or let or surprise him with bringing a sexy girlfriend home (make sure she is 100 percent "les", and say this girl needed a place to stay for a day allow yourself to open up and let her make moves on you act like you don't want to but make sure he can have full visual of both of you all sexed up looking and her touching you in certain ways that drive men wild... if this does nothing to him then I would say you have a very big problem... in other words his body might be having some issues he is embarrass to tell you about...


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## NoTrust (Oct 9, 2009)

Blaze - From a guys point of view, he's a VERY, VERY lucky man. What ever happened to 'give and take' ??? Sounds like a lot of giving and no taking. 

Have you tired "shutting him off" ??


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## crazyanimal (Oct 10, 2009)

I am sorry but if he won't touch you down there or go near there with his tongue then I think you need to stop giving him blow jobs. Give and take right?? He can't give, then you take back what you've been doing for him. 

I am baffled as to why a man would be digusted or turned off by a woman's body. Most men get excited when their woman gets wet... it shows a sign of excitement and if he turns her on, he gets turned on.

I am curious, is he confident in his sexuality?? Has he been showing any interest in someone of the same sex?? I know this might be heartbreaking to you but the only man that I've ever heard say they didn't like the feels of a woman's aroused sexual parts was a gay man.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Gettingnowhere said:


> sometimes people are in a state of submission with their own confusion/blindness usually they are thinking too hard and wondering to much, you should not force the issue with trying so hard to be perfect in his eyes esp. when he himself can not appreciate it to your standards. He is simply just idling and if sex is such a issue leave it alone for a while. You should do things out of the blue such as wear a sexy lingerie outfit when cleaning or let or surprise him with bringing a sexy girlfriend home (make sure she is 100 percent "les", and say this girl needed a place to stay for a day allow yourself to open up and let her make moves on you act like you don't want to but make sure he can have full visual of both of you all sexed up looking and her touching you in certain ways that drive men wild... if this does nothing to him then I would say you have a very big problem... in other words his body might be having some issues he is embarrass to tell you about...


:scratchhead:


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