# husband slapped me



## anna8325 (Oct 16, 2015)

we have been married for 5 years and have a 4 yo son. i would like to hear your opinion regarding my husband's attitude. he has always been very possesive and controlling, but lately my life with him is hell. he wants bjs as standalone acts. at the beginning they were only part of foreplay, but now he requires it almost every day. He doesn't reprocicate, but that's not the issue. The problem is he becomes mad when refused. First he ignores me and gives me the silent treatment. And when I say silent treatment I mean zero cooperation from him even on child related issues. He completely ignores me. I ask him something (only important stuff about our son) and complete silence from his side. If I don't give in in 2 days or so he starts to criticize everything i do (both work full time, but 0 help from his side)and picks up fights with me. He yells, calls me names, threaten to divorce, tell me to leave his house (we live in his house, that he got from his parents), he talks bad about me to our son (mommy is bad, she is selfish, she doesn't love us). If I still remain calm and don't engage in his acts and I still don't give in...then he hits me. It has happened in the past and is happening now. When I say hit i don't mean black eyes and bruises, but slapping, pushing, shoving...last night he slapped me pretty hard and it was out of the blue, I couldn't believe it. I am tired of all this, I don't know what to do, I decided to never say no to him but I just cannot go on living like this. He is my first partner so I don't know how other men are, but I think he just doesn't have the right to treat me like this. I tried to talk with him, but it is in vain, he feels entitled to act like this and I have to comply or as he said he will make my life a hell. Please help me, I don't know what to do, I don't feel like he loves me anymore...I had a surgery this April (ovarian cyst) and he wasn't supportive or understanding at all. I had to take a break and he coudn't accept it...I felt so alone when all he said was I had so many cuts on my belly (well my C section and this surgery). Please help, thank you


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Your husband is an abuser, and no most other men are not like this unless they are abusers, too.

You may not want to hear this, but you need to get you and your son away from your husband - permanently. As in divorce.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband is abusive. This isn't normal, regular or even slightly healthy. @EleGirl is excellent with outlining the steps to take to safely leave him. This will not ever get better and will only get worse.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Im sorry but what do you think you need to do? I dont see one thing that your husaband does that would make you even think about staying. Please get out and take your child with you. These actions are totally not acceptable and if you stay they might get worse.

I am sure other posters will be able to come on and give you much needed advice and options but please dont hesitate to get going. If you dont do it for yourself at least do it for your kid. I wish you the best.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

He should not treat you this way! 

If you want him to improve it will be difficult to get him to change. *He will need to learn how to behave from OTHER MEN that serve as role models for him that he looks up to and respects. *

An obvious example might be to have your father come and visit more often and allow you husband see how your dad treats you with respect and kindness and also protects you from anyone that might try to harm you. Odds are your husband and dad will get into an argument over how you are treated in the relationship and your dad will have other men start talking to your husband and help him improve.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to get away from this abusive jerk. Do you have family or friends you can stay with?

If not, please call a women's shelter immediately. They will walk you through the whole process and hold your hand, to boot.

This man is a danger to both you and your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Your partner is exhibiting abusive and extremely manipulative behavior towards yourself and your child.
That this is all normal, that all men are like this, that he will make your life a hell if you don't comply. These are all classic lies abusers tell, and victims tell themselves to cope. Get yourself and your child away from him as soon as possible.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So he's always been controlling and emotionally abusive, and has moved on to physical abuse. Will you continue to stay until he moves on to physically abuse your child? Don't. Leave him now so he doesn't get a chance to hurt you anymore nor to start physically hurting your child. Leave him now before your child grows up believing that this is how men behave and how marriages are.

Make no mistake - this isn't going to get better.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Oh my, sweet heart - get out. This dude is bad news. And, get yourself some counseling.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Honey, is abusive and violent behavior is escalating, it is likely to continue. Call a women's shelter.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

call them-800-799-7233

They will put you into contact with some local shelters to keep you and your child safe and provide you with a way to end the violence


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Get yourself along to your local Women's Centre or Refuge for practical advice and support. 

And please read this article:- What is domestic violence? - Women's Aid


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

men who hit women, (any, but especially bigger men that hit smaller women) are not real men.

they are not manly, or macho. they are cowards.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Not at all normal. Get to a women's shelter as soon as you can. Leave this man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

anna8325 said:


> we have been married for 5 years and have a 4 yo son. i would like to hear your opinion regarding my husband's attitude. he has always been very possesive and controlling, but lately my life with him is hell. he wants bjs as standalone acts. at the beginning they were only part of foreplay, but now he requires it almost every day. He doesn't reprocicate, but that's not the issue. The problem is he becomes mad when refused. First he ignores me and gives me the silent treatment. And when I say silent treatment I mean zero cooperation from him even on child related issues. He completely ignores me. I ask him something (only important stuff about our son) and complete silence from his side. If I don't give in in 2 days or so he starts to criticize everything i do (both work full time, but 0 help from his side)and picks up fights with me. He yells, calls me names, threaten to divorce, tell me to leave his house (we live in his house, that he got from his parents), he talks bad about me to our son (mommy is bad, she is selfish, she doesn't love us). If I still remain calm and don't engage in his acts and I still don't give in...then he hits me. It has happened in the past and is happening now. When I say hit i don't mean black eyes and bruises, but slapping, pushing, shoving...last night he slapped me pretty hard and it was out of the blue, I couldn't believe it. I am tired of all this, I don't know what to do, I decided to never say no to him but I just cannot go on living like this. He is my first partner so I don't know how other men are, but I think he just doesn't have the right to treat me like this. I tried to talk with him, but it is in vain, he feels entitled to act like this and I have to comply or as he said he will make my life a hell. Please help me, I don't know what to do, I don't feel like he loves me anymore...I had a surgery this April (ovarian cyst) and he wasn't supportive or understanding at all. I had to take a break and he coudn't accept it...I felt so alone when all he said was I had so many cuts on my belly (well my C section and this surgery). Please help, thank you


Divorce.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
this is not even close to being a question, he is an abuser, and if he hits you for not performing sexual acts, he is a rapist. 

Is there anything that makes it difficult / impossible to leave?

This is absolutely not normal behavior, he is completely off the curve and belongs in prison. 

For comparison: I've been married 30 years. My wife almost never gives me BJs even though I sometimes ask. In all that time I have shouted at her twice (about unrelated issues) and hit her exactly 0 times.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_he said he will make my life a hell. _

Isn't it hell right now?


_Please help me, I don't know what to do, I don't feel like he loves me_ 

Please get out now be for he kills you and be for he kills your son.

He doesn't love you. If he did he would hurt you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anna, 

You need to get away from this guy. He's abusive as you know. And no, most men are not like him.

Since you have a child, you need to establish that your husband is abusive. You cannot just take your son and leave. I did that and the judge ordered me to return my son to his abusive father... so I had to move back with my then husband as I was not about to leave a small child in his care... not when he was abusive to me and getting abuse to our son.

Why did the judge not believe that my husband was abusive? Be cause there was no record of the abuse. I had never called the police or gone to an organization that helps victims of abuse. You need to establish a history of abuse.

Things you can do to establish this is 

1) keep a written record of what is going on... date each entry. 

2) call the support hotline ( 1 800 799 7233 ) and find a place near you where you can get help. Set up an appointment and get the help you need. 

3) Call the police the next time he is violent and/or threatens you. You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder. Keep it on you all the time when you are around him. That way when he starts his angry outbursts and violence you will have a recording of it. He will most likely deny what you tell the police. So this way you have evidence of the abuse. And whatever you do, argue back or physically engage in any physical altercation with him. If you feel like you need protect yourself.... leave.. grab your child and leave. If you cannot leave the house, lock yourself and your son in a room. Keep your phone on you at all times so you can dial 911.

The domestic violence place will help you figure more of this out. 

Do you have family or good friends who you can ask to help you?

Also, does your husband have a job? From your post it sort of sounds like he does not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is an exit plan that lists things you should do to prepare to leave. When you go to the counselors at a domestic violence place, they can help you customize it for your situation.

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anne,

Please check your PMs. I just sent you one.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You are scared and have been physically and psychologically hurt. Quit making excuses in your mind, many abused people do this, for your husband and leave.You did absolutely nothing wrong to deserve this kind of treatment. No, even refusing sex or sex acts is not wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take your child and leave. Run. Go to the police and they'll take you to a shelter, where they will help you get set up without him and protect you from him.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Here's a support hot line. It's called 9-1-1. call the cops, press charges, get a PFA, call a lawyer and get out of the marriage. Let your family know what happened and if need be stay with them but don't go near this guy any longer. He isn't a man and he gives men a bad name. Once a man starts hitting his wife then it becomes a habit and it gets worse. 

It's a slap now but how long before it's a fist. You can't take that kind of a chance because sooner or later his anger will get the best of him and then something a lot worse can happen and I pray it never comes to that.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A person who loves you, respects you....and cherishes you, does NOT slap you. Slapping you is the same as hitting you. 

Your husband HIT you. It's NOT ok. It's NOT normal. There is awesome advice above..... take it. You do NOT want your child to think this is an ok way to live. 

You can DO THIS!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jdawg2015 said:


> I don't know by why does this seem like a troll post ?!?


Maybe because we all hope it is. We all hope that no one ever lives like this. But some do.

If you think a thread/post is a troll post, use the report button and report it. A moderator will check it out. It's not cool to post on a thread the accusation like this.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hi Anna and I am sorry to hear your story.

Firstly, let me put your "husband" into context for you so that you are in no doubt as to what he is.

Before we get to the word "abuser" there are many other words that you need to know.

The first is "coward". He is a coward. If he tried this sh!t with another man he would not be easily walking around. Even a smaller man would have him taken down eventually for such behaviour (well before it was reported to any authorities). You cannot respect a coward and I am guessing you have zero respect for him.

The second word is "bully". He is bullying you - even without the physical violence. In school playgrounds all over the world, children will give you an excellent lesson on how to deal with bullies. The rest of the kids gang up on the bully and have him taken down - either by the authorities (the school) or themselves. You need to have the authorities take down this bully.

The third word is "disrespectful". A very important part of being human (leave alone a husband) is to have respect for others. This is even more important in a marriage - one must respect one's spouse. He does not respect you - in fact he is not even treating you like his property (because one tends to take care of one's property), he is treating you like someone else's property. It seems he was never taught to respect others and needs to learn this lesson.

Finally he is, as EleGirl and others are telling you, an "abuser". To make it clear, look at the various definitions of abuse which includes hurting or injuring by maltreatment, forcing sexual activity on, assailing with insulting or hurtful words especially when used to demoralise or threaten etc etc. and finally an unjust or unlawful practice. Your husband is doing all of that to you and it is against the law.

At the end of that you should know that your husband is not a husband, is dangerous and unstable and a threat to your and your children's well being. If one of my daughters was married to someone like him, I would have had him neutralised a long time ago.

There should be NO DOUBT in your mind that you need to be protected from him and away from him. So don't have any residual thoughts about him still being your husband and maybe he will come around. I cannot imagine why you married him in the first place.

Now EleGirl has given you some excellent advice. However, all of this boils down to where you are.

If you are in the Western world, then all of the advice applies and you should get going asap asking questions here every step of the way. Get some support going asap - friends, family and/or even strangers in a similar plight who will become friends with you.

However if you are in the Middle or Far East, Eastern Europe, Africa or other parts of the world, it could be a completely different story. You may have been forced to marry him. I know this because I have lived in different parts of the world and have witnessed the abuse of women all over the world first hand. You need to take slightly different steps if that is the case. There are different support groups for women in different parts of the world. Let me know if this is the case and I will see what I can dig up.

For now, take care as best you can (start with EleGirl's excellent advice) and let us know where you are.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
Don't forget the word "rapist"

she wrote:
"If I still remain calm and don't engage in his acts and I still don't give in...then he hits me. It has happened in the past and is happening now."

It sounds to me like he hits he if she doesn't perform sexual acts.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I recently saw a documentary about abused women. It was heartbreaking to see how long it took some of them to finally seek help. Some didn't manage.

OP this is not up for discussion. It's easy for us outsiders to say 'leave' because we are not the victims, but instead the horrified bystanders.

As others have said, it is very difficult to leave an abuser. There is an unhealthy dependence which is always created, largely motivated by fear and guilt.

Please, please listen to Elegirl and others and LEAVE. Don't question it. Just do it. I hope you have family nearby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anna, 

I'm checking in on you. Please let us know that you are reading here and what's going on today.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Record everything. Record him with your son. Record your interactions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a lawyer and file. Now

Don't hesitate. It's slapping now but later it'll get worse.

No one deserves this. You're being treated as a slave.


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