# Bad marriage life. Husband just wants to rot at home- TV & games



## devastatedwife57 (Aug 13, 2015)

We got married in 2014 Dec after dating for 2 years.
Before we wedded, we would go out to dine, watch movies. Every weekend we would go out for brunch. Everyday after work we would dine out to spend time with each other. He is really good to me. 

After we started staying together, because we get to see each other all the time without having to go out, he has an issue with going out. Even if I need to go and get groceries. He is a good man but its so hard to get him to step out of the house. 

I love to cook and I am an above average cook so its not like I cook yucky stuff. So I am okay with eating in. But even that he has issues with. He doesn't really enjoy food. So no matter what I whipped up, he would be ambivalent. Going to the market, for him, is like doing me a favor. He actually brought this up to score points when we fight over this reluctance to go out issue. 

Because of this, I have no life. Everyday, I am home bound with no social life. We dont go out at all. We dont do things together. Sometimes we go for meals and movies. But thats about it. 

I love to travel. But he doesn't . And honestly he sucks as a travel buddy because he doesnt enjoy it so it dampens my mood. But because of this I cannot explore places with him and it makes me sad because he is my husband and I want to do these things with him.

I hate my life now.

Then as if things are not bad enough, our sex life sucks. 
Its not enjoyable at all.

I feel that marriage is really overrated and I wish I could turn back time. I really hate myself for going into this union.


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## devastatedwife57 (Aug 13, 2015)

*bad sex life. *

I do not feel like having sex with him. I rather get off myself. I have a pretty high sex drive but towards him I just do not feel incline to have sex at all.

Its not the issue with size. But he never orgasms from sex, only from external stimulation, and even that requires a very lengthy period of specific stimulation. And he couldnt keep hard for too long during sex. Most of the time, its a few hard pumps with a series of mundane thrusts for less than 10 minutes and thats it. He doesnt turn me on at all. Even the 1 - 2 min foreplay is not pleasurable. I just couldnt be turn on by him.

I feel so depressed. I regretted marrying him. He is a good man who is really sweet and good to me. But with what I have mentioned above, I do not know how to go on. 

I like dogs, food, cooking, traveling. He doesnt. He like TV, games, wrestling, comics. I do not. 

Are we a lost cause?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: bad sex life. *

Yeah, probably.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You would do better to have your story in one thread. That way people can read the entire situation in one place. It is important for people who get the big picture. So I'm combining your threads.


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## devastatedwife57 (Aug 13, 2015)

okay thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old the two of you? Are there any children involved?

It sounds like you are profoundly unhappy in your marriage. I don't blame you for not wanting sex either. 

If you want to give the marriage a bit more of a try, I suggest the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The idea of the books is for the two of you to read them and work together to restructure your marriage.

You might need to let him know that you are so profoundly unhappy that you are ready to end the marriage. This might put a fire under this hind end. If he's willing to do the work and realize that he has to meet your needs just as you have to meet his, then all is good. 

To often people think that once marriage, they have won the love wars and never have to do anything again to romance their spouse/lover. Doing things together, non-sexual intimacy, having fun together are every bit as important as a good sex life.

Were it me, if he will not do the work, I'd end the marriage. Life is way too short to be so profoundly unhappy.


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## devastatedwife57 (Aug 13, 2015)

Thank you for the recommendations. I will go check out the books.

I am 28 this year while he is 33.

We do not have kids, nor are we planning for any. 

I did verbalize how I feel about the lack of interest from him in regards to doing things together. 

He would say that no one is similar. - he cannot feign nor force himself to be interested in the things he simply is not.

As for our sex life.. its really a touchy subject and I am worried of wounding his ego. I hate to state the obvious, that I think theres a problem and he should see a doctor. In fact I did mention it briefly but it was never fully acknowledged by him. 
I know he is exasperated as well. Because whenever he attempts, I would reject him. And he would question why I do that. Sometimes I would just keep quiet, sometimes I would say because it is not pleasurable. 

I feel so alone. 

I wish I have the courage to end this.. I am so afraid of all the reactions and repercussions this would cause. 
I would say ending this is the last resort. I still hope to work something out. 

Maybe I would just show him this thread. It might offer him a new perspective. 

I thank you for your advices. I really appreciate it because I am feeling so down at the moment.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Let me ask you a question. Do you love him? If you do, perhaps MC might help. That said, To me, it looks like you two have nothing in common. If this is so, why are you staying together? No kids, short marriage time, both young, why bother. You two are not comparable. Why live in misery? Just call it quit and move on with a life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Can you do some things at home together as a compromise? We garden and do home renos, entertain at home, BBQ's etc. Movie nights, cook together.

As for the sex part I'm sorry but you rejecting him is poor form. If things are not good for you when you have sex then it is on you to talk to him in a non confrontational way. How about reading sex manual together in bed?


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

I've been in exactly the same situation (no companionship, no sex, no interest on part of husband, always telling me and the kids to be quiet because he was watching TV) except married Over 30 years. I spent the best part of 10 years trying to 'fix' things, thinking if I could just find the missing part of the puzzle, everything would get back on track. He got angry when I tried to discuss things, refused to come to counselling so I went alone, and then one day said "I'm not prepared to discuss our relationship anymore" so I filed for divorce.

I'd say firstly decide if there's anything worth salvaging, then set a time limit on working on it (discussions, compromise, counselling) and if he shows no signs of making any effort, then divorce him. Don't leave it as long as I did - I was too nice and supportive and understanding for too long. He now blames me for destroying our family and for what I've done to him. I tell him that if I'd wanted to live under a vow of silence and celibacy, I'd have entered into a convent not a marriage.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

devastatedwife57 said:


> Maybe I would just show him this thread *as I am walking out the door with a suitcase*. It might offer him a new perspective.


There. I fixed that for you.

The way YOU planned it, his reaction will be "Jesus H. Christmas! THIS AGAIN!?!"

Just add those 10 little words I recommended, and his reaction is a nervous breakdown while trying to find you after you go dark. 

You do it my way, you've got a plan to fixing him. Your way, you've got D1CK. **

**(Before you ban me, that is a paraphrased quote from a movie called "Raising Arizona". I love that line).


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

*Re: bad sex life. *



Faithful Wife said:


> Yeah, probably.


Yep- you guys are complete mismatch based on what you shared...might be better off as friends...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I take it he didn't act this way while you were dating? Three possibilities come to mind. 

1) he was faking it while you were dating. Bait & Switch. You need to slap him with some paperwork 
2) He's become too complacent and you need to slap him with some paperwork to wake him up. 
3) Low testosterone or another related medical issue which he is letting go unresolved. In this case, you'll need to slap him with some paperwork to get him moving.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Something attracted him enough to you for you to marry him. He may just need help learning how to actually be a good husband and not a bachelor. Maybe he has a depression problem that needs work. Life if full of ups and downs, and this may just be a temporary down time for you to work through together. I'd start with the readings EleGirl suggested and move up to counseling if needed. Also, as you suggested yourself, you may want to show him this thread or otherwise put your words in writing for him to read and reread. You're marriage is on the rocks and he needs to know this; worrying about his ego should be your last thing on your mind. Come by here to vent or ask questions as needed.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Telling him does nothing. He knows EXACTLY what the problem is. He just has NO CLUE it's gone as far as it has. He has NO CLUE his wife is half way out the door.

Trust me. I know.


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

My counsellor said he wouldn't take any notice until my bag was packed and I was walking out the door, by which time it would be too late. So true.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is this a man thing or just a some men thing because my H tends to couch potato too. He would get up and go when I suggested or made plans, but only after he hemmed and hawed about cost and kids, then tried to sabotage by dressing like...in a displeasing way.

So I raised hell a few hundred times and things got better, then worse, then better then worse then better then worse...it's a work in progress. He is just not impulsive, needs to think things through a dozen or a hundred times. Except golf. Golf he can schedule on a dime and travel for quite some time to play a good course.

All this to say, it's not going to change. This is who he is. Don't bother trying to fix it unless you suspect he is depressed or sick or something but that doesn't sound likely. So, pack those bags sister and next time move in with the guy first!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Is this a man thing or just a some men thing because my H tends to couch potato too. He would get up and go when I suggested or made plans, but only after he hemmed and hawed about cost and kids, then tried to sabotage by dressing like...in a displeasing way.


The generalization police aren't going to like my saying it, but according to a marriage counselor I've talked with over the past year, the answer is yes. Women do more of the planning, socializing, get out of the house stuff than do men. 

Not my words, hers.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Is this a man thing or just a some men thing because my H tends to couch potato too. He would get up and go when I suggested or made plans, but only after he hemmed and hawed about cost and kids, then tried to sabotage by dressing like...in a displeasing way.
> 
> !


No, it's not just men thing. I like my couch and good book, but life just gets between us all the time.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: bad sex life. *



devastatedwife57 said:


> I do not feel like having sex with him. I rather get off myself. I have a pretty high sex drive but towards him I just do not feel incline to have sex at all.
> 
> *Its not the issue with size. But he never orgasms from sex, only from external stimulation, and even that requires a very lengthy period of specific stimulation. *And he couldnt keep hard for too long during sex. Most of the time, its a few hard pumps with a series of mundane thrusts for less than 10 minutes and thats it. He doesnt turn me on at all. Even the 1 - 2 min foreplay is not pleasurable. I just couldnt be turn on by him.
> 
> ...


Regarding the bolded, how open are you with your H? The reason I ask is that I might have an idea why this is.

Men who masturbate roughly and/or without variation over time can do nerve damage that desensitizes the penis. They also train themselves, accidentally, to only be able to reach orgasm through specific manual stimulation. Sometimes, a urologist and therapist can help with restoring sensation and retraining for orgasm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: bad sex life. *



MJJEAN said:


> Regarding the bolded, how open are you with your H? The reason I ask is that I might have an idea why this is.
> 
> Men who masturbate roughly and/or without variation over time can do nerve damage that desensitizes the penis. They also train themselves, accidentally, to only be able to reach orgasm through specific manual stimulation. Sometimes, a urologist and therapist can help with restoring sensation and retraining for orgasm.


Yep....

If the OP's husband is open to it... a good sex therapist can help him desensitize and change his reaction to PIV.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> *Is this a man thing or just a some men thing because my H tends to couch potato too. He would get up and go when I suggested or made plans, *........................


IME no, the ex and the current are both get up and go type of guys. 

We do tend to venture out a bit less at the moment though, coldest winter for decades but we go out for dinner at least once a week ( much more in Summer) gym together, live music etc on weekends.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holland said:


> IME no, the ex and the current are both get up and go type of guys.
> 
> We do tend to venture out a bit less at the moment though, coldest winter for decades but we go out for dinner at least once a week ( much more in Summer) gym together, live music etc on weekends.



::reamy Sigh:::


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: bad sex life. *



EleGirl said:


> Yep....
> 
> If the OP's husband is open to it... a good sex therapist can help him desensitize and change his reaction to PIV.


This is where women have it a bit easier than men. Women who masturbate regularly teach themselves to orgasm and reinforce their feedback loop, thus having a positive effect on their partnered sex life. This is opposit for men. The more frequently they masturbate, solo, the more negative effect it has on their partners sex life.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> The generalization police aren't going to like my saying it, but according to a marriage counselor I've talked with over the past year, the answer is yes. Women do more of the planning, socializing, get out of the house stuff than do men.
> 
> Not my words, hers.


That kinda makes it easier for me to take in my DH then.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: bad sex life. *



Anon Pink said:


> This is where women have it a bit easier than men. Women who masturbate regularly teach themselves to orgasm and reinforce their feedback loop, thus having a positive effect on their partnered sex life. This is opposit for men. The more frequently they masturbate, solo, the more negative effect it has on their partners sex life.


Depends. Women who use vibrators can also desensitize themselves and train themselves to only be able to reach orgasm through specific stimulation.

I am able to orgasm through vaginal and/or clitoral stimulation. I am also high sex drive. Back when DH was away for days at a time for work, I'd use a vibrator. Ended up losing sensitivity and took forever to orgasm when DH was home. Back then I didn't know why, so I looked into it and that's when I learned about desensitization and accidental conditioning due to masturbation technique.

Thankfully, it wasn't a long term thing and once I stopped using the vibrator for a while and then varied technique the problem was solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

He sounds either seriously depressed or in the middle of some sort of hormonal apocalypse. Either way I think you really need to get him to the doctor. A change is character as severe as you have described does not happen unless something has changed dramatically. Depression, thyroid problems and low testosterone can turn men into lazy, apathetic shlubs overnight.

Has he had any major loss in his life around the time of your marriage? Something he said he was over or wasn't a big deal but he may actually be suffering though in silence?

Because he was so loving and attentive and FUN before marriage tells me something dramatic has changed. If you want to save your marriage get him to his GP ASAP. If that does nothing you must get him to talk with a counselor. Ultimatum him to get him to counseling if you have to because the marriage will die anyway if he does not get help.


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