# Three Days



## Live (Sep 22, 2011)

Hello and thank you for looking over this. I would greatly appreciate it if you replied because I am in desperate help and I know there are users out there who know way more about relationships than I. So here it goes...

The details aren't needed, but a week ago, today, I messed up my entire relationship with my partner. Before, we were happy 24/7 with each other, and our lives were amazing. Then on Wednesday, I we got into a huge fight. I yelled and she yelled. The next morning we went at it again. From then on, it's been back and forth, and it has only gotten pregressively worse. Today, I convinced her to give us three days of seperation to cool off...right before we split up. She told me it was bound to happen, but somehow I sparked something in her that got her to give me three days. The next three days we will not talk to each other, spend time with each other, not argue with each other, and live our individual lives from each other. After the three days, we will talk and see how she feels. Then, we break up or fix it.

Here are my problems...
1. I am controlling (I like to know what she is doing and stuff like that)
2. I have trust issues (I can't stand seeing other guys flirting with her.)
3. I argue when I get mad (I never drop anything until it gets solved.)
4. The most important one, I am clingy. (I like to be around her too much, I like to be with her when she is with her friends, I text her whenever I'm not with her, etc.)
Those are the problems my partner has with me. I have apologized repeatively for them and have promised to change.
My partners problems...
1. She will not forgive me.
2. She thinks I will never change.
3. She has had bad guys in the past that have hurt her.
4. She has trouble facing problems.
5. She never speaks her mind.
6. She is very stuborn.
7. The most important, she thinks I'll never make her happy again.​
All I'm asking for is some help. I don't want us to split up because I love her with everything in my heart. I have devoted my life to her, and I feel like she has thrown it away. If anyone knows what I should do at three days to make it better or even elongate it, please reply. 
Thanks for just reading and I hope you can help,
~Live...because I wanna live happy with the love of my life.

Extra: This is sometimes called trial seperation.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Live said:


> Hello and thank you for looking over this. I would greatly appreciate it if you replied because I am in desperate help and I know there are users out there who know way more about relationships than I. So here it goes...
> 
> The details aren't needed, but a week ago, today, I messed up my entire relationship with my partner. Before, we were happy 24/7 with each other, and our lives were amazing. Then on Wednesday, I we got into a huge fight. I yelled and she yelled. The next morning we went at it again. From then on, it's been back and forth, and it has only gotten pregressively worse. Today, I convinced her to give us three days of seperation to cool off...right before we split up. She told me it was bound to happen, but somehow I sparked something in her that got her to give me three days. The next three days we will not talk to each other, spend time with each other, not argue with each other, and live our individual lives from each other. After the three days, we will talk and see how she feels. Then, we break up or fix it.
> 
> ...


Ok... need some clarification here... your first list is your own created list... good start! Recognizition of your issues are a good start to recovery... 

the second list... is that your wife's written list? or is it what you PERCEIVE to be her list? Two completely separate things! 

And you are not being fair to yourself... there must be a list from your perspective that you want from you wife THAT is not correlated to your issues!


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

You said, "I have devoted my life to her". Wow, that must be some kind of woman to devote YOUR life to HER! What about YOUR life? Has anyone devoted themselves to YOUR life? Why haven't you?

The only person you can control is YOURSELF. You cannot make her love you or want to be in a marriage with you. All you can do is be the best person you can possibly be for YOU. Then, if she wants to be a part of that person's life AND you decide you want her in your life, all is good.

It all starts with YOU.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I like to know what she is doing and stuff like that = (I don't trust her)
I can't stand seeing other guys flirting with her = I don't trust her and I don't trust my ability to beat out any potential competition. I have little faith in the strength of the relationship.
I never drop anything until it gets solved = I focus on myself instead of my partner and feel the need to be "right" even at the expense of the relationship.

1. She will not forgive me.
2. She thinks I will never change = both the same problem. Probably doubts your sincerity and she probably sees little effort of you actually trying to change. 

4. She has trouble facing problems.
5. She never speaks her mind = same problems again. Why would she want to speak her mind or discuss problems when doing so will only result in lengthy debate that you will inevitably win? I don't argue with my wife for the same reason. She gets loud. She doesn't compromise. She doesn't stick to the topic. There's no point in discussing your feelings with someone who's focus is on themselves.

You claim to love her with all your heart. Love is about service and not selfishness. Love "believes all things" which means it can't exist without trust. Love also can't exist without respect. You can't change her but you can change you. Try to get outside your own head and focus entirely on giving her what she needs. When folks get married, they become one person. No sane person would fight with half his own body. The only way either of you win is when both of you win. The goal is never to be "right" but to have a more peaceful, strong relationship. 
Your wife is not in charge of your peace or happiness. Desperation makes people do stupid things. You can be a confident, content, complete man with or without her and that should be your goal. People enter and leave our lives. We can't roll over and play dead if someone leaves and it's not fair or reasonable to place the burden of our own happiness on another's shoulders.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> When folks get married, they become one person.


I completely *disagree* with this statement. I've actually talked to a therapist about this exact thing because I think it's what my wife believes as well. My therapist described a healthy marriage this way: Imagine 2 circles slightly overlapping. The 2 circles represent the husband and wife. They are 2 separate, unique individuals. The part of the circles that overlap represents the union of marriage. Don't ever lose yourself. You are not one and the same in your marriage.



unbelievable said:


> Your wife is not in charge of your peace or happiness. Desperation makes people do stupid things. You can be a confident, content, complete man with or without her and that should be your goal. People enter and leave our lives. We can't roll over and play dead if someone leaves and it's not fair or reasonable to place the burden of our own happiness on another's shoulders.


And I couldn't *agree* more with this statement. Focus on being a confident, content, complete man with or without her in your life.

As I once heard, love is wanting the best for the other person even if that means letting them go.


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