# Is revenge okay? If so, what sort?



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If your spouse cheats, is it okay to seek revenge?

What sort of revenge is not civilized?

Can revenge make things better?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

What I did.. 

Contacted his sugar momma, gave her all the info she needed to kick him out and now he's living with his 84 year old mommy. His ex took care of the rest.

The best revenge is that he has to wake up every day and be him.

Yes, it makes it feel a little better. I wouldn't want to think he was able to walk away without suffering any consequences.

I wouldn't suggest doing anything that'll get you in trouble.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

a revenge affair? couldn't possibly help, and only lowers you to their level

getting violent with OM/OW? won't fix anything, makes you look bad or puts you in jail

exposure? might be considered revenge/punishment somewhat, but has a real purpose of defending your honor (so you're not seen as the bad guy to friends/family), and to stop the ongoing affair

I guess some other revenge might make you feel temporarily better, but it's not going to undo the betrayal that happened.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

WWs POSOM had a breakdown after me stringing him along and building up the EA after she got caught, be bought iphones, lingerie, booked expensive hotels, oh and the sexy red lingerie he modelled and sent pics of himself in it after me encouraging him a little, all posted on his FB wall for all to see after he waited at the ferry port for her to arrive.

Can you imagine it, HS sweet heart is now running back to you, all those fond memories seen through rose tinted specs, the hype and thrill of the build up and spending big $$$ to get her hooked and then to be slam dunked like a chump, and exposed for all of your friends and family to see on your FB pages. 

Revenge is a double edged sword though, if you can help the karma bus along it's route then fair enough, but don't go out of your way to cause more trouble than you can handle.

Famouse saying---- "those who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones", very true, if you've nothing to loose then play the game but be careful and weigh up the consequences of your actions first.


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## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> WWs POSOM had a breakdown after me stringing him along and building up the EA after she got caught, be bought iphones, lingerie, booked expensive hotels, oh and the sexy red lingerie he modelled and sent pics of himself in it after me encouraging him a little, all posted on his FB wall for all to see after he waited at the ferry port for her to arrive.
> 
> Can you imagine it, HS sweet heart is now running back to you, all those fond memories seen through rose tinted specs, the hype and thrill of the build up and spending big $$$ to get her hooked and then to be slam dunked like a chump, and exposed for all of your friends and family to see on your FB pages.
> 
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl: Priceless


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> If your spouse cheats, is it okay to seek revenge?
> 
> What sort of revenge is not civilized?
> 
> Can revenge make things better?


Revenge on the WS? Doesn't seem helpful in most cases. If you want to reconcile it is counterproductive, and if you don't--better just to throw it all in the trash and forget about it (come to think of it, this is a form of revenge in itself, isn't it?)

Revenge on the OM/OW? Some here would say that there should be no issue between BS and OM/OW. I don't agree--I think a little "reap what you sow" blowback for the OM/OW isn't a bad idea. What form it takes depends on the situation. Russell's form of revenge is neat and tidy, and well deserved. In cases like RDMU, where the OM (in this case) is a predatory demon, some form of revenge that would have destroyed Boob's life in all its facets for all time would not have been out of place, IMHO.

The reluctance to visit any consequences on OM/OW because it would harm their innocent family is a red herring. The OM/OW harmed their own family by their behavior.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Yes, within reason.

As long as YOU can walk away with your honor and integrity held intact, it's probably okay.

Exposure is okay, as long as it's on the up-and-up and not too overboard. Everybody your WS has ever known does not need to know what happened, nor do employers in most cases. However, friends and especially family members, who were part of your circle while married - yes, they should know. But come bearing proof, otherwise it's easily spun for the WS's side, and you just look like you're bitter and angry.

I exposed my ex wife to her immediate family only. They didn't disown her or anything, but I'm sure her parents, at least, weren't pleased. And the only reason I exposed her to them in the first place, was because it was clear she was spinning things her way, and her father was getting a little too involved with the separation agreement/divorce proceedings. A polite but firm email detailing her affair and other things, and I never heard from him again.

Besides, the best revenge is living a happy life. As I've said here before, my ex wife, even while she was with her OM, still treated me nicely. When I met my stbw, her tune changed and she eventually got nasty. It was a typical case of "I don't want you anymore, so nobody else should, either." It really showed me how narcissistic she really was, and exactly what she thought of me.

I also exposed her past transgressions to her OM, the second he piped up and put in his 2 cents about some things. Among them, how she was seeing somebody else apart from him, while still married to me. (it was complicated... her OM lived in Europe and they connected online some 2 years prior to our divorce. He had travelled here a few times during that span to "visit", without my knowledge, and apparently they planned their life together. Meanwhile, there was another guy she was seeing up to, and including the time when she moved to Europe to be with OM #1)

So I let him know that, not only did he now have a woman who was married while they started their relationship, but she was balancing a 3rd guy in the meantime, when he was not here visiting. They've since married, so I guess it didn't bother him, or more likely, she spun it her way and denied everything. I was, and still am, very much under the impression that she told him from the beginning that our marriage was over, and we were just living together for the financial aspects of it all.

So either he was/is incredibly naïve, or he just didn't give a ****.

So revenge? Meh. Setting the record straight and protecting your honor and integrity? Hell yeah. But you don't need to ruin somebody to make you feel good, imo. Moving on and being happy is the best revenge.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm a strong believer in exacting some form of pain back on the cheater ... and I won't rule out a revenge affair for some people; it depends on the person. And I believe that the betrayed spouse should get some sort of retribution regardless of the path they take; divorce or reconciliation. If in reconciliation and the WS can't take their medicine, then maybe they aren't worth reconciling with. I believe in this because I'm not the kind of person who can 'just let it go'.

What types of revenge?
Revenge affair (for some people)
WIDE exposure (shame is powerful)
Loss of freedom to come and go as one pleases
There are others .... It can be a long list.


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

Its better to give them silent treatment so they can realize their mistakes...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Can revenge make things better?


No. Because it doesn't erase the first thing that happened.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

alexm said:


> So revenge? Meh. Setting the record straight and protecting your honor and integrity? Hell yeah. But you don't need to ruin somebody to make you feel good, imo. *Moving on and being happy is the best revenge.*


:iagree:

Seeking revenge is giving your partner (or former partner) power he/she should not have over you. Why would you want to do that?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> No. Because it doesn't erase the first thing that happened.


It doesn't erase anything, but I know I helped create a little pain for him and he's aware that I am the one that told his gf what a scumbag he is.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

here I am going to be the one against the zen mentality, I have always said that enforcing consequences is a necesity for people involved in affairs to realize the destructiveness of their actions, but besides that if you want to look revenge (within the legal frame) that is alright too.

I am sure many or most of us have come with the conclusion I am about to write by reading cases on TAM, the WSs that are not caught the first time they had affairs tend to have more affairs, and the reason of why this happens is very easy to explain: it felt good, they had the dosage of rush, it was Ego boost experience and there was no consequences at all, so why to stop?, of course this most of the times hit them like a truck once the BS founds and follow methodologies of places like TAM where no rugsweeping is allowed.

Well this thinking of *"why to stop if there was no consequence"* is not just applied to WH/WW is also applied to OM/OW, that is how predators like "findingmyway" or "Bishop" are born.

we have the perfect example here on TAM of how this keep happening until someone actually do something about it. *RTBP*. His OM all his life have been having affairs and many them with married women, he was in his 50s and never had consequences in the previous ones other than some fights with his wife, what happened after crossing with RTBP, his world was utterly destroyed showing him that messing with married women have consequences.

RTBP destruyed his public Image, made him lose his JOB, encouraged her wife to finally divorce him, made his grow up kids to lose respect from him and cut him of their lives, the last time RTBP knew about his OM, is that he was in a program where he was asking forgivness to all of those that he have hurt during his life (sort of 12 step program) and was trying to change his life. But this was after 30 years of doing as he pleased and destroying just God knows how many marriages.

Now sincerely ask yourself, if RTBP had been zen mentality, and had left the OM free of consequences and just focus on his wife, *what would be the OM doing right now?*, probably would be still using his position to bed another young wife under his tutelage as he did with RTBP's wife.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I guess I don't see exposure as revenge, manticore. Exposure really is a gift. Anything we hold up to the light of day, in ourselves or others, can probably help us.

Maybe it is the motive that makes it revenge?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the cheater is your spouse, there are only two logical options. You get rid of them or you try to heal the damage and struggle on. Revenge is just more effort wasted on the one you need to get rid of and it's counterproductive for the one you intend to keep. 

Nastiness doesn't fix nastiness and deceit doesn't fix deceit. An oak doesn't seek revenge when a pig rubs against it. I admire people who can forgive and get over adultery. I don't have it in me. If I can't trust a woman, she's dead to me. I'm not snooping, spying, fretting, getting plastic surgery, or jumping through flaming hoops to keep a woman faithful. If she doesn't know which side of her toast is buttered, she can hit the road.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

jld said:


> I guess I don't see exposure as revenge, manticore. Exposure really is a gift. Anything we hold up to the light of day, in ourselves or others, can probably help us.
> 
> Maybe it is the motive that makes it revenge?


you are right, exposure is a technique to break affairs, but depending how you see it it can also be method to enforce consequences or revenge.

as example in RTBP case, when he found abut the affair his wife had already ended things with the OM, she have already even treaten the OM about going to RH if he try any kind of innapropiate bahaviour again, she was 100% willing to quit her Job and send a NC letter, do whatever he asked to win him back, she was totally remorseful, so RTBP could have just accepted her remorse take her back and forget about the OM, as he was already out of their lives. but as I said what would be the OM doing now if this has been the actual scenario?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, I am not familiar with the case, but the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like revenge, but exposure of the OM's character. I still think that is a gift, as it was all true (that is correct? It was all true?).

When we hold a big mirror up to people, it is an opportunity for them to face themselves. We might be the only people doing that for them. 

Strong people will look in that mirror and learn from what they see. Weak people will run away, crying about how "mean" we are.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

jld said:


> Well, I am not familiar with the case, but the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like revenge, but exposure of the OM's character. I still think that is a gift, as it was all true (that is correct? It was all true?).
> 
> When we hold a big mirror up to people, it is an opportunity for them to face themselves. We might be the only people doing that for them.



well, but you are talking here about the result and in way supporting what I have always said that enforcing consequences is necessary, but the result has nothing to do with the motivations that lead to it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I'm angry at my STBXW for all the crap she put me through. But I don't harbor any more ill will on her than she has brought on herself. 

Actively seeking to pile on more isn't in my character. I did expost her OM to thier wives. More for the wives benifit than out of a sense of revenge. But I'll admit to feeling some satisfaction about it. 

The best revenge (if you want to call it that) that I can think of is the sudden stop to the massive amount of emotional and financial support I provided to her. And channeling all that I can into making the best possible life I can for myself and the kids. 

I'm not going to lay around and woe is me. I'm picking myself up by the bootstraps and keeping the house runnnig, the kids involved in thier activities and replacing the time and energy I spent on her into my hobbies and interests. Sure I'll likely be paying her maintenance for the rest of my life. But she was the big spender, so when all is said and done, I'll come out way ahead in spendable income.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I am not a fan of "revenge", but there are some steps I think should be taken.

1) If the OM/OW is in a relationship, their SO/spouse must be told. They have a right to know.

2) The betrayers need to be publically shamed- tell family, FB... they need to be held accountable for their actions.

3) Sort of goes with #2, but place them on Cheaterville and any other such websites. This may someday protect an innocent person from getting hurt.

4) This one is just for me, but I beat up one of the POS's my wife was with. It's something men just need to do. One was adamant he had no idea my wife was married as she had removed her wedding ring so I let it slide with him.

5) Lastly, I agree with the poster who said the best revenge is to have a happier life. Get in shape, do nice things for yourself, make and spend time with friends...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Revenge? To me revenge is something done maliciously just to hurt someone who has wronged you. I suppose the motive behind something factors into whether it's revenge or just a consequence.

A couple days after I kicked my husband out I wrote him a big long email telling him exactly what he was going to do. One of the things I demanded was that he buy me a brand new computer of my choice. Mine had broken down months before and he had refused to help me buy a new one, despite the fact he was sending thousands of dollars to 'models' from the internet. Funny thing is, if he HAD bought me one, I might have never found out what he was up to, because I was using his to check email and stuff and he left himself logged in to chat on it. If I'd had my own computer I wouldn't have been on his and would have just stayed in the dark. He also had to keep paying the bills at home after I kicked him out, so he was supporting two households.

I don't really consider this 'revenge' though. The things I told him to do were consequences of what he had done. If anything, they gave him an opportunity to 'pay his penance', which is why he did them without so much as a peep.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

manticore said:


> well, but you are talking here about the result and in way supporting what I have always said that enforcing consequences is necessary, but the result has nothing to do with the motivations that lead to it.


Meaning that regardless of the motive, exposure is still a gift? I think that is true. 

And so, in a sense, "revenge" of this sort is an unintended long term gift to the AP.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Speaking of revenge, a friend of mine's wife started betraying him. He knew her email addresses (home, work...) and he posted a CraigsList ad on her behalf seeking a sexy man or some such thing. From what I am told she got, literally, hundrends of emails- and many with graphic photos. It caused quite a stir for her. I thought it was humorous.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I am not a fan of "revenge", but there are some steps I think should be taken.
> 
> 1) If the OM/OW is in a relationship, their SO/spouse must be told. They have a right to know.
> 
> ...


2) Again, I don't see how this is "shaming." Exposure is a gift. Bringing it all to the light of day is in the long term best interest of that person. Having a mirror held up to you can help you see stuff you could not any other way.

Haven't you had people tell you things that hurt you at the time, but when you look back later, you were actually grateful? Mature people are. Sometimes you just can't see it any other way.

4) I sympathize. I think it is dangerous to do this, legally, but I sympathize. And you're right; they had it coming.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When my second wife got caught cheating on me, we split and did everything to keep it as peaceful as possible for our daughter and for the most part it worked................but.

She told the OM where I was working (I was self employed) and he kept showing up and just sitting in his truck looking at me. Now I didn't care and at the time didn't know who he was until her came up to me and told me he had no intentions of coming between me and my daughter. 

I did know that he was married and had two kids and told him to worry about his own kids and not mine and told him 
to leave but not before telling him that in due time he;ll get paid back because she'll do the same thing to him. That didn't go over well so he decided to up the ante and he brought a few of his co workers around and he started making remarks about how she hasn't done anything and kept pushing the issue.

About two months after we were divorced, I got a phone call for his wife and met with her and we exchanged information. 

Now my marriage was over and done with but there's was in bad shape. Me and his wife met a few times and talked which evolved into having lunch which and when I was telling her about how he shows up on my job and makes snide remarks about how he got my wife, she did a slow burn and it went from having lunch with her to having her in bed a few times and finally we agreed to stop because it could only get real nasty and she wanted to try to save the marriage. So we ended it.

Problem was he kept it up and one day I finally said to him, "______. I give up. Your the better man and I can't compete with you. What can I say".

Well the damn fool is laughing and going on about how I never could get even and blah, blah, blah, but you have no idea how hard it was looking at him and letting him know about the cute little tattoo she had on her butt which would have tipped my hand. 

To this day he still has no idea that I got my revenge on him and this took place back in 97.

I would not recommend that any one do what I did. I freely admit, that I was wrong and was no better than him and if he would have just backed off it would have never happened. I'm not proud of my actions.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks for your honesty, 6301.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

6301 said:


> at the time didn't know who he was until her came up to me and told me he had no intentions of coming between me and my daughter.


Kind of confused here, so he have intention to get together with your XW but in the end he stayed with his?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

6301 said:


> To this day he still has no idea that I got my revenge on him and this took place back in 97.


If he doesn't know it's not really revenge, IMO.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

jld said:


> I guess I don't see exposure as revenge, manticore. Exposure really is a gift. Anything we hold up to the light of day, in ourselves or others, can probably help us.
> 
> Maybe it is the motive that makes it revenge?


The main motive to expose, is that it's the right thing to do, the revenge thing is just a bonus.. icing on the cake. It's a win win..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

russell28 said:


> The main motive to expose, is that it's the right thing to do, the revenge thing is just a bonus.. icing on the cake. It's a win win..


Russell, you don't really mean that. I know you don't.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Exposure affects many people, not just the WS. It can be used as a tool to wake up someone in the fog, but it can also be used as a weapon by a vengeful BS. Exposing what my husband did to his workplace would have not gained anyone anything. There was no real OW, and yes he did use company resources to do what he was doing, but once I knew about it he'd stopped and hasn't done so since. He didn't need 'waking up' - me kicking him out had accomplished that. If I had reported him to his job they would have fired him, and what would that have gained anyone? We probably wouldn't be together today either. The ONLY reason I would have had to expose him at work would have been petty revenge.

Exposure is often the right thing to do, but not in every case.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

6301 spat a big goober in OM's food IMO. Good one. I don't think you have to ashamed of what you did. It made you and OMW feel better at the time. Bad luck for her if she stayed with him. In some strange way I can imagine that this kind of revenge sex would have strong emotional element. Not love exactly but something profound, like you were rescuing each other is some way.

By the way, I started this thread because jld and JustGrinding started discussing revenge and JG did not want to discuss it as he may be carry through and act on it. He is a very determined guy. 

The Count of Monte Cristo was a very exciting book to me when I was a boy. Perhaps it would make a good reread.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Exposure affects many people, not just the WS. It can be used as a tool to wake up someone in the fog, but it can also be used as a weapon by a vengeful BS. Exposing what my husband did to his workplace would have not gained anyone anything. There was no real OW, and yes he did use company resources to do what he was doing, but once I knew about it he'd stopped and hasn't done so since. He didn't need 'waking up' - me kicking him out had accomplished that. If I had reported him to his job they would have fired him, and what would that have gained anyone? We probably wouldn't be together today either. The ONLY reason I would have had to expose him at work would have been petty revenge.
> 
> Exposure is often the right thing to do, but not in every case.


Why not tell his work?

People who betray personally will be inclined to do so professionally as well. And that can be disasterous for a business. Also, there is no way I'd want a betrayer working in management with people working for them as potential victims. Betrayers get what they bargian for.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Exposure affects many people, not just the WS. It can be used as a tool to wake up someone in the fog, but it can also be used as a weapon by a vengeful BS. Exposing what my husband did to his workplace would have not gained anyone anything. There was no real OW, and *yes he did use company resources to do what he was doing*, but once I knew about it he'd stopped and hasn't done so since. He didn't need 'waking up' - me kicking him out had accomplished that. If I had reported him to his job they would have fired him, and what would that have gained anyone? We probably wouldn't be together today either. The ONLY reason I would have had to expose him at work would have been petty revenge.
> 
> Exposure is often the right thing to do, but not in every case.


If he was using company resources, then perhaps him losing his job would be the right thing. I don't know your story, but I wouldn't want one of my employees surfing pron on company time and hardware, or sleeping with coworkers in the office place etc.. etc.. while they are supposed to be doing a job. Risking my company with law suits or god knows what.. getting my network viruses, etc.. etc.. So in cases like this, it's probably still the 'right' thing to do, even if it's not practical from a financial point of view. Let them decide on if he hasn't been doing it recently, and if they care.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Why not tell his work?
> 
> People who betray personally will be inclined to do so professionally as well. And that can be disasterous for a business. Also, there is no way I'd want a betrayer working in management with people working for them as potential victims. Betrayers get what they bargian for.


Because she is looking out for herself and her children. The business surely looks out for itself, too.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I wouldn't do it (get him fired).. for the reasons jld says, but that doesn't make it right. I wasn't saying she should turn him in, just don't call it the right thing to do. Because it's robin hood against the big bad business, doesn't make it all of the sudden 'right'. I'd feel like I screwed that company over by keeping his dirty secrets basically.. in the scenario described.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jld said:


> Because she is looking out for herself and her children. The business surely looks out for itself, too.


It's a fair point, but I'd still let the business know. If I promote a person who I know is a betrayer and they have a betrayal with someone lower on the totem pole I have just opened myself up to a lawsuit. That's also a reason why many businesses do criminal and civil background checks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Why not tell his work?
> 
> People who betray personally will be inclined to do so professionally as well. And that can be disasterous for a business. Also, there is no way I'd want a betrayer working in management with people working for them as potential victims. Betrayers get what they bargian for.





russell28 said:


> If he was using company resources, then perhaps him losing his job would be the right thing. I don't know your story, but I wouldn't want one of my employees surfing pron on company time and hardware, or sleeping with coworkers in the office place etc.. etc.. while they are supposed to be doing a job. Risking my company with law suits or god knows what.. getting my network viruses, etc.. etc.. So in cases like this, it's probably still the 'right' thing to do, even if it's not practical from a financial point of view. Let them decide on if he hasn't been doing it recently, and if they care.


My story is linked in my sig. He used Yahoo chat and his work email to communicate with what turned out to be internet scammers preying on men who wanted sex. He also used company time to do this, although most of it was done from home. He wasn't surfing porn - his company has pretty good monitoring in place for stuff like that. They may have even known what he was doing just with the chat stuff.

As for professional betrayal, well, I of course am no judge of his capacity for betrayal. All I can say to that is despite what he did to me, his integrity is something that he holds very dear. And his capacity for compartmentalization is vast.

If, after I kicked him out and then decided to R I had discovered that he was still up to his old tricks, telling his company what he was up to is something I would have seriously considered and probably done. But he's one of the rare ones who did manage to just stop cold turkey.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Me not telling had nothing to do with looking out for myself or my kids. I don't need anyone else to do that for me. It had to do with not wanting revenge, because that's all it would have been. He'd already stopped, he was careful not to put his company at risk, he's never philandered with co workers.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is really admirable, Hope, to forego income that way. Would you have done it to shock sense into him, to save the marriage?

Because if you had planned to leave him, he would not have had money for child support.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> My story is linked in my sig. He used Yahoo chat and his work email to communicate with what turned out to be internet scammers preying on men who wanted sex. He also used company time to do this, although most of it was done from home. He wasn't surfing porn - his company has pretty good monitoring in place for stuff like that. They may have even known what he was doing just with the chat stuff.
> 
> As for professional betrayal, well, I of course am no judge of his capacity for betrayal. All I can say to that is despite what he did to me, his integrity is something that he holds very dear. And his capacity for compartmentalization is vast.
> 
> If, after I kicked him out and then decided to R I had discovered that he was still up to his old tricks, telling his company what he was up to is something I would have seriously considered and probably done. But he's one of the rare ones who did manage to just stop cold turkey.


Not judging, just adding my two cents as far as the other side, the business that has to deal with someone not following the ethics guidelines set down in the employee handbook. They are there to protect the business from employees exposing them to risks. I would probably do the same thing in that situation, especially if it was going to harm my children as far as lifestyle changes and a father that becomes unemployed etc..


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My story is linked in my sig. He used Yahoo chat and his work email to communicate with what turned out to be internet scammers preying on men who wanted sex. He also used company time to do this, although most of it was done from home. He wasn't surfing porn - his company has pretty good monitoring in place for stuff like that. They may have even known what he was doing just with the chat stuff.
> 
> As for professional betrayal, well, I of course am no judge of his capacity for betrayal. All I can say to that is despite what he did to me, his integrity is something that he holds very dear. And his capacity for compartmentalization is vast.
> 
> If, after I kicked him out and then decided to R I had discovered that he was still up to his old tricks, telling his company what he was up to is something I would have seriously considered and probably done. But he's one of the rare ones who did manage to just stop cold turkey.


Wow, I read your story. I have to admit it takes courage to stay with a serial betrayer.

I hope for the best. I really do.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I dabbled with revenge against one OM(informed his new girlfriend about his integrity), the other ones I told their wives, one ended up divorcing (although they were headed there anyhow my info just sped up the process) the other being it was just some dirty text/pics are still together.

While there was some satisfaction it would take me delivering a good beating or maybe a bullet for me to be completely satisfied. Both of those options of course would be bad for my kids and myself with the legal trouble that would follow.

I have considered a more passive/aggressive approach(flooding his email with spam, junk mail by the buckets, etc.) but I still come back to it wouldn't be enough and why waste my time.

OM simply are not worth your time, leave their fate to karma or god (if you believe that stuff) know that their lives are so empty they must feed off of other relationships for a small bit of physical gratification.

If that doesn't work get a voodoo doll.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Subtle difference, but I believe in ramifications. Revenge is more of a “I’ll get you back!” mentality. It does work for some. I know a BW who had a RA on her DD and informed her STBX he just got sloppy seconds before telling him his bags were packed and ready. She felt great since it was her way of burning that bridge and keeping him from trying to pursue.

Ramifications to me are different. I’m hurt, messed up, angry, sad, depressed, emasculated, and so forth due to my wife’s adultery. I can’t think of a better ramification than her having to live in the carnage she created. D or R doesn’t matter as long as she gets to witness that wake of destruction behind her. 

Part of the ramification is not hiding how badly you are hurt as the BS. Most WS’s still love and care for their spouse on some level, so its utter torment to know you destroyed this person, your family, and a lot of other relationships. Ramifications, out in the open for all to see and judge are wonderfully effective at making ‘adultery’ not such a fun thing and quite nasty for them personally.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jld said:


> That is really admirable, Hope, to forego income that way. Would you have done it to shock sense into him, to save the marriage?
> 
> Because if you had planned to leave him, he would not have had money for child support.


It had nothing to do with income. I'm quite self sufficient that way, all by myself. The father of my kids has never paid any child support, I wouldn't have expected any this time around if we'd stayed split either.

Me kicking him out seemed to be all the shock he needed. Like I said, if he'd needed more, then I'd have considered telling his work.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Wow, I read your story. I have to admit it takes courage to stay with a serial betrayer.
> 
> I hope for the best. I really do.


I guess if you want to call him a serial betrayer I won't disagree.

We're doing really well, four years later. It's been quite the ride, but I'm happy with the way things are now


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> It had nothing to do with income. I'm quite self sufficient that way, all by myself. *The father of my kids has never paid any child support, *I wouldn't have expected any this time around if we'd stayed split either.
> 
> Me kicking him out seemed to be all the shock he needed. Like I said, if he'd needed more, then I'd have considered telling his work.


Oh my gosh. So you have always supported your kids yourself?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jld said:


> Oh my gosh. So you have always supported your kids yourself?


I don't understand the surprise. For eons, kids have been raised on single income households (and many two parent households are included in that statement and not just single parent households)?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I don't understand the surprise. For eons, kids have been raised on single income households (and many two parent households are included in that statement and not just single parent households)?


I did not realize Hope worked outside the home. I was wondering how she generated money to pay for them. I thought maybe it was her farm work.

I have always been supported by my husband. I am in awe of women who are single moms and provide for their kids themselves. Hats off.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Farm work?? :scratchhead: You have me confused with someone else.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jld said:


> I did not realize Hope worked outside the home. I was wondering how she generated money to pay for them. I thought maybe it was her farm work.
> 
> I have always been supported by my husband. I am in awe of women who are single moms and provide for their kids themselves. Hats off.


For me hats off to anyone (male or female) that raises children on their own without any support from others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Farm work?? :scratchhead: You have me confused with someone else.


Sorry about that. I thought you ran a farm? I thought you mentioned butchering animals. I guess I did confuse you with someone else.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> For me hats off to anyone (male or female) that raises children on their own without any support from others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really do appreciate dh's supporting us, Squeakr. It is indeed a big responsibility.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jld said:


> I really do appreciate dh's supporting us, Squeakr. It is indeed a big responsibility.


I assumed that. I was just stating that I feel for any single parent no matter the sex and my hat goes off to them. Most seem to cherish the single mom and her endeavors but never think twice when it is a single dad. It just seems there is some assumption that single parents that are women are always poor and single parents that are dads are flushed with wealth. The media perpetrated this myth along with the deadbeat dad ideal (even though the majority are very responsible and most of the true deadbeat dads are such due to circumstances and lack of finances and not a choice like the media would portray.).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all.

The justice system is supposed to eliminate our need for revenge by distributing justice in our name.

But the justice system refuses to deal with infidelity (for various reasons, some valid...some not), so the only choice then is either eat a s**t sandwich when people wrong you or reassert your 'natural' right to obtain satisfaction from the perpetrators.

I have no problem with those who won't just sit there and take it.

RA's?...not a problem in my book if you decide to try and stay in the relationship...in fact, I think one of the best deterrents to bad behavior/hurtful action in this world is to be on the receiving end of the same pain you have dished out.

Getting a D, and coldly cutting the WS out of your life is the best option IMO though...they should be forever dead to you...F that s**t about staying friends too (seems so many WSs think this is good /possible)...I don't keep traitorous friends.

And the ONLY leniency that should be considered in sparing other aspects of their life (like job for instance if its a workplace A) would be the well-being of children if you have them.

The only mercy extended should be for the children's sake, not the cheater's.

As for POS AP?

I believe in f***ing up their life in as many ways as I can legally get away with.

This person just wronged you without cause.

If you have children, this POS just helped destroy their family and happy childhood.

What would you do to another person who had injured your kids in this way?

Infidelity should be treated no differently than any other wrong people do to your kids....POS should be absolutely destroyed for what he/she did to your family.

I know many will disagree with me on these things...that's OK, people are different.

I'm not saying I'm right and they're wrong.

People have to choose their own path in this world...one that suits their personality and character.

But I imagine there are many people who also do agree with me.

There are some people in this world it is better not to f**k with, because you will not enjoy the retaliation.

I'm one of them.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think so much of this is a matter of terminology.

'Revenge' can be viewed negatively. 'Comeuppance' is just fine. 

And yet they often describe exactly the same actions in exactly the same scenarios.

For me, revenge is an age-old human impulse. It has stood the evolutionary test of time, so you can theorize that it has a useful social effect. Natural policing of antisocial behaviors, perhaps?

I personally support revenge in many cases, but I call it comeuppance, say that 'what goes around comes around,' and often see a purpose to helping the karma bus along if I can.

I don't think this has to be untoward. I think the social fabric requires balance and adjustment and we have natural instincts re that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jld said:


> Sorry about that. I thought you ran a farm? I thought you mentioned butchering animals.


On someone elses farm, yeah.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

IMO even if R eventually happens, there should be some tough consequences for the WS to include

-- they should be kicked out of their home for a couple months. unless childcare logistsics or finances make this totally unworkable.

-- forgiveness should be very, very slow coming. the BS should take their time. In some cases no forgiveness at all.

-- refuse to defend or explain the situation to their children. that's a job for the WS. don't even assist them, don't speak on their behalf, at all.

-- in the case of serial adulterers I think the attitude of the BS should not simply be a "180." The BS should make sure the WS knows that they can't fool them anywhere. That they are not "human just like the rest of us, " that there is indeed something wrong with them. The BS should express shock at how they could have decided to marry such a person; that they are so sorry they had children with somone like them. etc

Finally, as others have said I think the BS should declare the marriage over, on the spot, once they discover the cheating. I.e. if you break your vows to me then my vows to you become meaningless. In fairness there should be a period that is neither R nor D - e.g. a separation that allows the BS to see other people if they choose, to see what other kinds of people are out there before they decide (if they decide) to R with the WS. These would not be a "revenge affairs" because they would not be affairs at all (remember the marriage ended on Dday)
_If the WS is truly interested in R then they should/will accept such a separation._ i.e. the WS will *wait* for the BS, if they are sincere in wanting to R.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NN, would you be in favor of automatic divorce in cases of adultery?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jld said:


> NN, would you be in favor of automatic divorce in cases of adultery?


I know I'm not NN, but couldn't resist answering anyway...

I support, for the most part, a few things that should happen. Among those are _filing_ for divorce. The process can stay silent for quite a while. But it send an immediate mesage that this is not going to be tolerated. 

Sorry for hijacking your question.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

6301 said:


> Well the damn fool is laughing and going on about how I never could get even and blah, blah, blah, but you have no idea how hard it was looking at him and letting him know about the cute little tattoo she had on her butt which would have tipped my hand.
> 
> To this day he still has no idea that I got my revenge on him and this took place back in 97.
> 
> I would not recommend that any one do what I did. I freely admit, that I was wrong and was no better than him and if he would have just backed off it would have never happened. I'm not proud of my actions.


Nope, I don't think you were wrong here, 6301!

One of the very few times I don't disagree with that type of revenge. I would have done the same damn thing if I were in your shoes.

I mean, the moron came to your work to rub it in, and kept coming, eventually with some of his buddies.

Good for you for not telling him, though, seriously. I think that it's better that way - only you and his wife know, and you're both sitting there thinking "what a ****ing idiot", all the while he thinks he's the coolest thing on the planet.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> IMO even if R eventually happens, there should be some tough consequences for the WS to include
> 
> -- they should be kicked out of their home for a couple months. unless childcare logistsics or finances make this totally unworkable.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: Excellent post, and almost exactly what I did in fact do. Although I did not declare the marriage over on the spot, I refused to speak to him in person or on the phone for weeks. And I didn't sleep with anyone else. That was the very farthest thing from my mind. Things would have had to be DEFINITELY over for me before I'd do something like that. I was split with my exh for over 2 years before I slept with anyone else, and the marriage had been over for long before that as far as I was concerned.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

jld said:


> NN, would you be in favor of automatic divorce in cases of adultery?


yes, in effect. In cases where divorce is too complex or costly the BS should consider themselves divorced from the WS in every way except legally. i.e. automatic separation


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

JustGrinding, who inspired this thread, is continuing to watch OM long after the end of the affair. He learned that OM married a woman who probably was a serial cheater. How he plans to use this information to get revenge he will not say. But OM has no idea how terrible an enemy he made.

JustGrinding will not divorce his WW and he will not sleep with her. She is in some kind of terrible limbo.

There is one BH... argh name slips me, a truck driver whose WW was into meth, who caught them together and he beat the crap out the OM. His WW attacked him. She is now in prison. I suppose the fight was not a planned revenge but it was direct retribution. He got off with a fine. OM did not show in court.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> JustGrinding, who inspired this thread, is continuing to watch OM long after the end of the affair. He learned that OM married a woman who probably was a serial cheater. How he plans to use this information to get revenge he will not say. But OM has no idea how terrible an enemy he made.
> 
> JustGrinding will not divorce his WW and he will not sleep with her. She is in some kind of terrible limbo.
> 
> *There is one BH... argh name slips me, a truck driver whose WW was into meth, who caught them together and he beat the crap out the OM. His WW attacked him. She is now in prison. I suppose the fight was not a planned revenge but it was direct retribution. He got off with a fine. OM did not show in court.*


Bashful Bull


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I would not recommend that any one do what I did. I freely admit, that I was wrong and was no better than him and if he would have just backed off it would have never happened. I'm not proud of my actions."

6301,

I personally don't see anything wrong with what you or his BW did...but I think you were right to not be the one to tell him, for the sake of what his BW desired.

If the RA were to be exposed to him, she should have done it since it would impact the dynamics of what she wanted to do with her M.

You were right not to blow her chances of R. which she wanted, by cluing him in.

But POS?...he deserved everything you and his BW gave him, even if the scumbag doesn't know it.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> There is one BH... argh name slips me


Bashfulbull

other users that have beaten their OMs without repercusions have been:

- Oldsmitten
- Kesler

Juicer also beat his OM but with alot of repercusions, unfortunatly for him he did it with 2 cops as witness who he also beat, probably if no for the cops being victims as well he could had gone free of consequences.

still, something I have noticed is that all the BS that have had revenge against their OMs (whatever physical or with techniques as exposure), have left behind them the topic of the OM and focus in their divorce or reconcilation, while all of those that never had "a form retribution" still come with the OM topic in their threads months and years later.

For example X-betaman after his incident and beating the OM he never axpressed post of anger against the OM again, even in one of the posts he said something like "the OM is long gone they removed him when I slipped the gossip" I sort of feel like he could go at least that part of the affair go (he is just mentioning him again because now he sent him a mail).

Other users that after their revenge even if it was for exposure methods don't metion their OMs anymore were "RTBP" and "Dig" .


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> WWs POSOM had a breakdown after me stringing him along and building up the EA after she got caught, be bought iphones, lingerie, booked expensive hotels, oh and the sexy red lingerie he modelled and sent pics of himself in it after me encouraging him a little, all posted on his FB wall for all to see after he waited at the ferry port for her to arrive.
> 
> Can you imagine it, HS sweet heart is now running back to you, all those fond memories seen through rose tinted specs, the hype and thrill of the build up and spending big $$$ to get her hooked and then to be slam dunked like a chump, and exposed for all of your friends and family to see on your FB pages.


Not a bromance but you're my hero of the day. EEEVIL!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

manticore said:


> I have always said that enforcing consequences is a necesity for people involved in affairs to realize the destructiveness of their actions, but besides that if you want to look revenge (*within the legal frame*) that is alright too.
> 
> I am sure many or most of us have come with the conclusion I am about to write by reading cases on TAM,* the WSs that are not caught the first time they had affairs tend to have more affairs, *and the reason of why this happens is very easy to explain: it felt good, they had the dosage of rush, it was Ego boost experience and there was no consequences at all, so why to stop?


From my own experience... very true.

Many here seem to be split on the "The OM did not break your vows... it was your wife." Therefore leave him alone... ie... just an innocent participant, if you will. Hogwash.

I took exception to this... If you F with my family, and it effects all, you are directly Fing with me. 

Game ON.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

manticore said:


> still, something I have noticed is that all the BS that have had revenge against their OMs (whatever physical or with techniques as exposure), have left behind them the topic of the OM and focus in their divorce or reconcilation, while all of those that never had "a form retribution" still come with the OM topic in their threads months and years later..


Exception to that rule... SA's. One of the weird advantages. 100% anger in a normal affair can be split 50/50 between WS/OP (or however you feel it should be divided). With an SA.... It's 50/(5*10) OP's. Only so much rage to go around  The focus stays on the WS...


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I am sick to death of people reciting tired platitudes about how harmful revenge is. Like something is automatically the truth because it gets quoted by a marriage counselor.

"Revenge is like drinking poison", blah blah.

Revenge is actually more like poisoning someone, and watching them convulse.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I exposed at their workplace for two reasons. First to keep the xOW from claiming WS had sexually harassed her, claims I knew she had made against other men in the past. Second was for, well, revenge. I also exposed to her BS and put both the xOW and WS on a well known website known for exposing cheaters. WS and I are r'ing but I've left his profile, and hers, in place. All actions had their intended impact and I did feel a measure of satisfaction after doing so. Some anyway. After exposing the xOW, details about other affairs she'd had came crawling out of the woodwork like termites feasting on rotten wood. It seems the consensus by those who know her better than me is she is "bats*it crazy." IDK if she is or isn't but I do know she's a coward for running like a scalded dog when I tried to reach out to her. In retrospect, I wouldn't have tried talking to her at all but that was a bad decision on my part made shortly after dday. 

xOW and WS still work for the same company but at different locations about 20 miles apart. She was moved to another job when it all came out; they both almost lost their jobs. I have zero regrets about any of it. xOW told WS "I'm scared of your wife" after I exposed them. Whatever, she should respect others' relationships more than she did or she might just cross the wrong person - and she did. Live and learn.....but I'm not holding my breath on her actually learning much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I never set out to get revenge, but I fell into a stupid revenge affair. Self-medicating with alcohol is not a good idea.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

RWB said:


> Many here seem to be split on the "The OM did not break your vows... it was your wife." Therefore leave him alone... ie... just an innocent participant, if you will. Hogwash.
> 
> I took exception to this... If you F with my family, and it effects all, you are directly Fing with me.
> 
> Game ON.


Said it before, and will say it again. A man should pursue another man's wife at his own peril. Any man should expect to be flogged like a scuzzy pot for touching another man's wife.

To not seek this type of retribution is letting society down. Adultery is horrible, and deserves severe punishment.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

manticore said:


> Kind of confused here, so he have intention to get together with your XW but in the end he stayed with his?


 When she and I stopped fooling around, it was because she wanted to put the marriage back together. They did but what pissed me off was his rubbing my nose in it.

I had told him that what goes around comes around and don't be surprised if my ex doesn't run around on him, well she did but not before he was having his fun kicking dirt in my face. 

To this day he still has no idea that he got paid back in spades.

They made up and I hope their happy and put that episode away.

My ex got caught with another guy and he saw her and she blew him off sighting that she owed him no answer since their not married.

Not to mention the cute little crescent moon and star on his wife's bottom that the only way you can see is when her butt is in full glory.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Forest said:


> Said it before, and will say it again. A man should pursue another man's wife at his own peril. Any man should expect to be flogged like a scuzzy pot for touching another man's wife.
> 
> *To not seek this type of retribution is letting society down. *Adultery is horrible, and deserves severe punishment.


I should not chuckle at the bolded, but I can't help it. Lol.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Forest said:


> Said it before, and will say it again. A man should pursue another man's wife at his own peril. Any man should expect to be flogged like a scuzzy pot for touching another man's wife.
> 
> To not seek this type of retribution is letting society down. Adultery is horrible, and deserves severe punishment.


To me, it's just weak and pathetic to not extract your pound of flesh when your blood has been drawn first. But I'm just a good ole boy, South Carolina *******. What do I know.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

A few days after DD, I had been drinking a "little bit". I decided to call the my wife's AP. He started in with... "if you would of been taking care of business at home she wouldn't of been with me." Say what! I directly told him that you are playing a very dangerous game. You are messing with someone that matters and really I don't care about the consequences for my actions anymore. 

Silence on the phone. 

I told him... do you understand what grave consequences are? He was still married and had 2 minor children. I let him know that his wife was now fully aware of who he really was. I had in hand emails of him talking about his previous affairs and how lousy his marriage had been for years on end.

Here the kicker... He actually says to me... "You didn't talk to my wife?"... don't you know about "Man Law". Thank God we were 150 miles apart at the time.

Now... See why "us" on the this side of the "revenge" argument are bias.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> I should not chuckle at the bolded, but I can't help it. Lol.


And I can help but to chuckle at your consistent passivity over this subject. SMH

Blows my non-metro male mind.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

RWB said:


> don't you know about "Man Law". Thank God we were 150 miles apart at the time.
> 
> Now... See why "us" on the this side of the "revenge" argument are bias.


I am guessing the wife got all the mails needed right?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

6301 said:


> Well the damn fool is laughing and going on about how I never could get even and blah, blah, blah, but you have no idea how hard it was looking at him and letting him know about the cute little tattoo she had on her butt which would have tipped my hand.
> 
> To this day he still has no idea that I got my revenge on him and this took place back in 97.


Any idea if they are still together? When BW/WW was mad at him she may have paid him back by telling her what you two did together. It would be a hell of a kick in the nuts to him to find out years later.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> 6301 spat a big goober in OM's food IMO. Good one. I don't think you have to ashamed of what you did. It made you and OMW feel better at the time. Bad luck for her if she stayed with him. In some strange way I can imagine that this kind of revenge sex would have strong emotional element. Not love exactly but something profound, like you were rescuing each other is some way.


Well the way I look at it.... If two people been UNwillingly sharing bodily fluids with with each other, you might as well have fun yourself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> And I can help but to chuckle at your consistent passivity over this subject. SMH
> 
> Blows my non-metro male mind.


You think I should promote revenge?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> You think I should promote revenge?


No, I think you should promote and endorse inflicting consequences. How it's interpreted is irrelevant.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> No, I think you should promote and endorse inflicting consequences. How it's interpreted is irrelevant.


I said I think exposure is very helpful. Is that not a consequence?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> I said I think exposure is very helpful. Is that not a consequence?


Of course it is, but that's not what we're really talking about at this point......is it?

Alright, I am not going to stretch this out any further than needed. You and I are obviously not cut from the same cloth. You're passive, and I'm not. I get it and that's okay.

If you're fine with letting some dude just bust a nut in your SO with no price to pay for it, then who am I to argue with you. But I can say I would make a radically different choice on how to handle this than you.

And that's okay too.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jld said:


> I said I think exposure is very helpful. Is that not a consequence?


No it is not a consequence. It is a technique used to stop and affair by bringing it into the light. It is more a punishment as well but not a consequence. A consequence would be no more GNO, full transparency of actions and technology. Consequences are something the WS must do, and not just be subjected to. Unless the exposure was something you required of them to disclose to everyone as a result of their actions, then it could be a consequence, but generally exposure is done by the BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> Of course it is, but that's not what we're really talking about at this point......is it?
> 
> Alright, I am not going to stretch this out any further than needed. You and I are obviously not cut from the same cloth. You're passive, and I'm not. I get it and that's okay.
> 
> ...


I am a female. Just fyi.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> I am a female. Just fyi.


LOL...I had no idea. Obviously i haven't read too many of your posts. No wonder we're crossing here.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> Any idea if they are still together? When BW/WW was mad at him she may have paid him back by telling her what you two did together. It would be a hell of a kick in the nuts to him to find out years later.


 Yeah their still together. I saw him on his bike with her on the back about a year ago.

If he found out about it, what's he going to say, "Hey dude you screwed my wife?"

If he did I would look at him and tell him so what, you screwed mine and yours was way better. 

Honestly, my ex was lousy in bed. I'll bet the house that that he was glad to get back in his own wife's good graces. That woman could make any man smile with some of the moves she had.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I should mention that the biggest problem I had wasn't her idiot husband but her.

The woman was mighty pissed at my ex. When she was out of town visiting her family, Her husband brought my wife in their house and had "special evening" with her so his wife was trying to find out where my wife worked or was living because she had nothing but ass whipping on her mind.

I told her that that wont happen. My ex deserved to have her ass kicked seven ways to Sunday for not only screwing this woman's husband but being in her home is sacred and that's a no-no in every case.

I finally told her that I have a daughter that lives with her and if she see's her Mom getting the hell beat out of her or she comes home with a black eye or worse then it affects my kid and I had a real hard time talking her out of it until I looked at her square in the eye and said, "Please don't. I love my daughter and I can't let you do this".

She gave me her word and didn't and for that. I'm grateful. Kids, hers and mine were the innocent ones in this mess.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

3putt said:


> And I can help but to chuckle at your consistent passivity over this subject. SMH
> 
> Blows my non-metro male mind.


Probably chuckles at Bill Maher, and anime, too.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Forest said:


> Probably chuckles at Bill Maher, and anime, too.


:lol:


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

For me, revenge is an intriguing fantasy that is best kept as a fantasy. Too bad cheaters couldn't manage to do the same with their affairs.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Another word for revenge is "getting even"... two words, actually.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I don't want to get even, I just want to get over my cheater.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Feel for you, Acoa. With children in the picture, it becomes even more complicated.

You won't have to financially support the theater anymore. That is satisfaction if not revenge.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

In the beginning I wanted to crush them.. I wanted to physically and emotionally hurt them both.. 
I wanted my Ex wife to feel the pain I was going through. The torment of pulling over the side of the road and crying.. 
I wanted her to text me and tell me how broken I made her, like I did to her.. Looking for any way of fixing this.. 
At that time if I knew the world was ending tomorrow at 8 PM, I knew 2 people who wouldn't make it past 7 PM..
I wanted to post everything up on facebook that I had from them. 
I wanted to make a website listing everything they did and linking it for everyone to see. 
I posted them up on cheatersville but it wasn't posted because I was too specific and gave out personal information I shouldn't.
I wanted to let everyone in the world know this wasn't her first time around with this and that I ALWAYS was true and loyal to her regardless of the sh1t she put me through.

Today

Today I wish I wasn't so weak.. I'm more mad at myself for being this tough guy cop at work and for being this dribbling idiot at home when my wife was leaving.. I'm ashamed of my thoughts and begging and the pleading and the crying. *( I'm practically crying as I recall the moments now )*

Today I honestly just want to be normal again.. I'm not happy with the person I am today.. 

But I am happy I didn't seek any revenge and that even when I tried with cheaterville it didn't go through. I think my boys would have not been happy if they seen that regardless. I think when they got older it would have been seen as it honestly was *Spiteful* and full of anger.

I'm glad I can walk away from all of this with my head up high knowing she can NEVER, EVER tell anyone any heinous or mean things I have done to her. She will have to live knowing she fvcked this up all by herself and I truly believe my kids will see it as well. I know my oldest does now but I know he will understand even more as time goes by and I know my youngest will as well eventually. 

I think for me my best revenge is just to be me again because I so desperately want that. She took me away as well when she left.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

One obvious form of revenge is to replace the cheater with a better spouse.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

HardtoHandle,

I clicked on your profile to look-see if you'd laid out your story. What struck me, however, was what a couple of great, happy looking young men you've got there. I don't throw around the term "young men" much, either.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> One obvious form of revenge is to replace the cheater with a better spouse.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


:iagree:

in fact, even better, to replace the cheater with a better person. Then to have that become apparent to your kids as well. I believe that BH in particular should be more optimistic about leaving the WW behind and finding a new and better partner. because I think their odds of doing that are actually pretty good - if they give it a good shot.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I don't want to get even, I just want to get over my cheater."

When I get wronged, I don't want to get even....I want to get ahead.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My best revenge was marrying someone younger and hotter than my ex wife. (She was quite vain). And having lots and lots (and lots!) of sex with new wife and other women before getting remarried. (She was quite lame in the sack).

Then going out and kicking ass in business and making 2-3x what I ever dreamed was possible and showering my new wife with luxuries (ex was quite materialistic).

Making beautiful smart kids with new wife. Watching them grow and flourish.

Making new marriage quite good, even after some wobbles. 

Then sitting back and laughing when I find out she's still single, no kids, working away... 

I have everything. She has nothing. I've never done anything revenge-wise except kick ass...


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

I had several RA's and i am going to say if the cheater is having an affair, then no revenge is not appropriate, but if he/she had just physical affairs, then i say proceed with revenge.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

IMO taking -- or seeking to take -- revenge against a wayward spouse (whether EA, PA, or whatever) does little more than diminish the integrity of the betrayed spouse, *especially* if children are involved. Revenge affairs? Ewww. Also, say goodbye to any hope of reconciliation. (But hey, it's your road, walk it as you will. Just be safe!)

But revenge against the OM/OW? Have at it, I say. Having said that, widespread exposure -- including complete exposure to OMW/OWH -- will likely be enough.

Taking it a bit further, though... I said this in a different thread a while back (note that this is written from a male's perspective)...

It is perhaps the most basic and primal of male instincts to seek out and mate with as many attractive -- and receptive -- females as possible. The second most powerful male instinct (and it may _actually_ be tied for first) is to completely demoralize, devastate, and emasculate any male who has dared to touch our mate. *Those unwilling to control the former urge should fully expect to be met w/ the consequences of the latter.*

Disclaimer: Don't do anything that will land you in jail!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> My best revenge was marrying someone younger and hotter than my ex wife. (She was quite vain). And having lots and lots (and lots!) of sex with new wife and other women before getting remarried. (She was quite lame in the sack).
> 
> Then going out and kicking ass in business and making 2-3x what I ever dreamed was possible and showering my new wife with luxuries (ex was quite materialistic).
> 
> ...


That's the best revenge. High-five!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Hardtohandle*
> I think for me my best revenge is just to be me again because I so desperately want that. She took me away as well when she left.





Use the pain to motivate you to be you again. Use the thoughts of your begging, pleading, and crying to keep you consistent with your plan to get back to being you and also to get stronger. Do not expect to get this done in the first year but know that *if you follow your plan and get stronger then you will be better than you were before her betrayal.* You were not the strongest policemen your first year but if you have followed the police force steps to make you a better policemen you are much stronger and better policemen now than in your rookie year.


*Build yourself up because your wife is not your whole life and she can be rather insignificant in the future.* You have taken a very hard hit but the saying “the pain that tries to destroy can make you stronger” can be true for you. You will suffer like hell for the first year or two but then you can get a LOT better. Millions have done it and so can you.


*Taking revenge on your wife, in your case, would not be advised. First you do not want to take revenge and secondly you’re a good man because now you put your boys ahead of revenge and yourself.* You are smart enough and strong enough to know that hurting your wife will be hurting your children’s mother


From what you have written your wife has a serious character flaw and is a serial cheater. You are hurt right now but you will be much better off rebuilding your life without her. She may have some good points but she is poison for long term marriage.



In your case the pain that is producing thoughts of revenge should be used to motivate you to build yourself up because in a few years your wife will be rather insignificant to you. You have a whole lot of years left to keep building that close bond with your boys and to make your life better than it has ever been. *The picture of you and your boys appears to show a very warm relationship with your children. Spouses may not always be your spouse but your children will always be your children*. In your case, right now, I would advise that you put ALL your efforts and thoughts into yourself and your children. Force yourself to keep thoughts about your wife a million miles away. In time she will be like that Junior high school girl that broke up with you.


*You have your honor, integrity, and your boys respect*. I do not know if your wife has that or not. Focus on what you have left because you have a lot. *Extenuate the positive eliminate the negative!!*


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

marduk said:


> My best revenge was marrying someone younger and hotter than my ex wife. (She was quite vain). And having lots and lots (and lots!) of sex with new wife and other women before getting remarried. (She was quite lame in the sack).
> 
> Then going out and kicking ass in business and making 2-3x what I ever dreamed was possible and showering my new wife with luxuries (ex was quite materialistic).
> 
> ...



Buddy boy, you don't even deserve to speculate on what other people should do for revenge. You've got no perspective on the matter!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your posts are always so inspirational, Mr. Blunt. I am so glad you are on TAM.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

A good fantasy revenge would be getting your divorce settled and cross all the "T's" and dot all the "I's" making it iron clad that no other claims against you and then hitting something like the mega millions lottery for 2 or 3 hundred million and smile and wave as you drive by in your car of the week.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

I had my revenge. 

It was worth it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you Forest and Mr Blunt

Part of my issues is I plan ahead. I think of all the what IF's *( what if this happens or these two things happening )* sometimes a bit too much. I think of where I am going to be at years and years ahead.. 

With one foot in the past and one in the future I am sadly not in the present.. Not living in the moment, which I should be. 

I like what 6301 said about the the Lottery.. Its honestly one reason why I play it now.. I've fantasied about that myself several times. 

But woman are much more tougher then men when it comes to these things.. They have a better poker face then we do. I could win a billion and my Ex would probably not care a bit.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> But woman are much more tougher then men when it comes to these things.. They have a better poker face then we do. I could win a billion and my Ex would probably not care a bit.


I don't know your story, but don't you think women are programmed for survival? For millennia she was just surviving, hoping to see her children survive. Her man might have been killed in battle, but she had to go on.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

someone recently opened a Thread (I don't remember the name tittle) of how he was not able to get over the affair specially the fact that the OM was left scot-free of consequences, many users also contributed and many said the same thing, how years later they were bothered about that fact.

in the other hand, besides the cases that I have already mentioned, a veteran came recently who is strugling with R but just about what his wife did, not the OM, after checking his threads at the beginning his first 2 threads all his anger was directed to the OM, he metions how he cried constatly and keep bringing the OM subject, but then at some point he got over it and focused just in his wife and deciding if R was worth or not, and the reason was probably this:



Wanabeelee said:


> I posted him on cheaterville, sent a personal letter to his parents, informed his now ex-wife, sent to everyone on facebook that knew him, posted on forms where he was a member of organizations, sent to his work and to his fall back jobs, and sent to everyone of the appartments that he lives at.
> 
> Guess I was hoping he would be mad enough to start something. As I hear it he lost his job, his parents want talk to him anymore, Wife was reconsedering devorce till she found out, got kicked out organizations. And he has still yet to confront me.


then he did a last confrontation wiht the OM by phone and that was the end of his anger and obssesing over the OM, to the point that he took down the cheaterville post, the feeling of retribution helped him to close that phase of his live, his struggling for R is a total different monster.

So I really believe that enforcing consequences (revenge in a sense) is therapeutic for the aggravated one (specially in these cases where the law don't do sh*t about the OM) and as long is not illegal should be encouraged.


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