# This is dicey...



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

In short - wife has led a life of affairs. .Really messy $hit too (risked my health, gas lighted me, etc...) I finally said enough is enough and nuked her second life (was always suspicious but remained a doormat till now). She snaps out of the fog and realizes she wants to be with me more than life itself.

Unfortunately for her, I don't know if I can forgive her, and I'm riding the fence and waiting to see if time heals. . .if at all.

We're separated, and something that has never happened to me before occurred. The girl that subleased me an apartment happened to be beautiful, cool, and intellectual. I'm fully aware of the risks associated with a rebound, but it's tough to ignore the serendipitous aspect of this encounter. I mean I don't know this girl really and do we ever click. She has my quirky sense of humor, she gets the world they way I see it, she is smart - she gave me this compliment which was a big turn on - "I love your use of the english language". That kind of compliment is certainly not of the top 100 list of pick up lines.

I was fully upfront with my messy situation (separated, kids, needing to take it super slow, and she is ok with it). This is funny - my wife said to me recently "You are an amazing man, quite attractive, and so caring" - and new girl recently told me "you are pretty amazing thus far", so I guess wifey wasn't lying, and that is also why she must have been so petrified I was moving out and considering dating! Woops!

Am I playing with fire here? I didn't lie at all to new girl...wife basically knows dating is on the table. New girl must be hearing from her friends that she's at risk of getting hurt if I reconcile. . . I am kind of running with this and seeing what happens, with the intent of having fun and trying to find myself and what I truly want at this point. 

Is there any reason to change my approach? I am ok with my wife calling it quits, I'm ok with new girl calling it quits, and I'm ok with either relationship working out. I am also OK with neither relationship working out. Win - win. . . or am I setting myself up for disaster?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do you really think R would work with your wife?

I doubt it and I know personally I wouldn't tolerate it. I had to deal with one short lived PA and nearly called it quits. If it was several long term cheating like your wife I may have taken the kids and disappeared into the night.

everyone has their breaking point, what's yours?


to me it's sounds as though you might have a chance to be with someone who is more deserving than your wife.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

You put all the cards on the table with your wife and with this woman. No reason what so ever why you should not pursue this.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm curious as to how long this went on? Are you guys young, or middle aged?

Not at all trying to make light of your situation, but it could be like the old allegory where you see the hitchhiker on the side of the road. As you are approaching, there is plenty of traffic, so she flips you the finger, thinking that a nicer ride will stop. Then, when you pass, and all the remaining traffic passes, she's feeling pretty alone, and out of options. In your rear view mirror, you see her jumping and waving emphatically, trying to convince you that you were the best ride of them all.

You will probably never know if she would have ever decided on her own that you were the best match for her. It took you leaving her before she had her epiphany.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Rebound relationships are wonderful from the perspective of showing you what is possible, in a good way.

I had one shortly after separating. Passionate. Intense. Very enlightening and fulfilling in contrast to the emotional black hole that a cratered marriage can produce. She had full disclosure as well.

But ...

Won't last. That doesn't mean don't do it, but if you think that you want a REAL relationship with this woman, then these are not the circumstances that will foster a healthy foundation.

End the relationship you are in before forging another.

Or acknoweledge this is just a fling, this girl is an adult and is fully informed. But you summed it up well. It just gets messy. It's unavoidable. The moment your wife knows that you are dating another woman, one of two things will happen, she will want your head on a stick, or she will attempt to seduce you ... big time. Or it will be a combination of both.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Halien said:


> I'm curious as to how long this went on? Are you guys young, or middle aged?
> 
> Not at all trying to make light of your situation, but it could be like the old allegory where you see the hitchhiker on the side of the road. As you are approaching, there is plenty of traffic, so she flips you the finger, thinking that a nicer ride will stop. Then, when you pass, and all the remaining traffic passes, she's feeling pretty alone, and out of options. In your rear view mirror, you see her jumping and waving emphatically, trying to convince you that you were the best ride of them all.
> 
> You will probably never know if she would have ever decided on her own that you were the best match for her. It took you leaving her before she had her epiphany.


Young(ish) (< 35), retained my 6-pack abs, 5:30 mile, well paid, and according to the women I work with, I will be on the singles market for about 5 minutes before I'm scooped up. It's nice to hear that stuff as it wasn't said much at home. And the first girl I happen upon is apparently reinforcing the fact that I'm marketable (my buddy met her and was like "wow, she is hot....and cool".)

Not that my WW and I had a bad relationship, she just had zero respect for me, and hardly any for her and her body.

Oh brother, the story is horrid. She was dating me and another guy prior to and during our engagement. The best man won...me...b/c she saw stability by selecting me. 5 years later, EA, 2 years later EA/PA. . . and here we are.

I'm a kind person and it almost makes it harder for her to hear me say "I will take care of you whether we remain together or apart" She is spiteful and it kills her desire to play tit for tat. . .It's quite interesting. She's sick. . .possibly a psychopath.

Now, why would i remotely consider R? Kids, two young ones. And I worry who she (if she) replaces me, some chump is going to pseudo raise my kids. It's a horrible thought. Once a woman has your children, she wins...cause you are connected to her for life. So I'm exploring the best, worst option.

Caveat - this is the first time we're addressing this, I hit my breaking point. Her games are over and she knows this...is getting therapy...and will be a better person. I just don't know if the damage is too severe to be able to wake up next to this person for the rest of my life and NOT want to do a Hulk Hogan leg drop every morning :lol:


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Young(ish) (< 35), retained my 6-pack abs, 5:30 mile, well paid, and according to the women I work with, I will be on the singles market for about 5 minutes before I'm scooped up. It's nice to hear that stuff as it wasn't said much at home.


You are in a very tragic situation. Its obvious that your wife knows that her likelihood of marrying someone like you is very low, if the two of you divorced. So, if you reconcile, you may never be sure if she is avoiding future affairs because she doesn't want to lose a good thing, or because she is crazy in love with you. 

I agree with Deejo about how you should work through your feeelings for this relationship before bringing another woman into your life. Also, at some level, consider that your kids may be more intuitive than you suspect about your wife. Part of the equation might be that they need one parent who is a solid foundation. One who knows himself, what he wants, and never wavers. You and them both know that you deserve better, so I just hope that this potential relationship wouldn't be about proving that to yourself.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

You obviously still care for your wife or you wouldn't need to ask the question I guess... I have to say though, she sounds definably horrible!

Personally, I think if I'd been with someone who'd had multiple affairs - which is an entirely concrete and clear cut thing as opposed to subtle pychological sh1t which is most likely not even done consciously - and had gone through all the grief of separation, I'd just keep on going down the same path. 

If the new woman you've met is doing it for you and is fully briefed on your situation, then go for it and see what happens. Either you emerge from this single but most likely totally over your wife or you come out of it with a great long term relationship. Neither of those is a bad outcome so long as your new girlfriend went into it with her eyes open too.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I agree with you "this is dicey..." do what you want to do and let time sort things out. just be careful. kids/family change everything.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I would definitely say "Handle With Care"-but then I'd wonder if your W was TRULY working on a R, or was she also testing the waters, because you put dating on the table.

It's like they told us in Army basic training: "Don't be wasting your time pining for your little girlfriend back home. You're in the Army to "Be all that you can be", well, she's back home now with all your buddies being all that SHE can be."

I'd say, give it a try.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Go get laid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are better off not going there - rebound relationship.

Just like affairs, they have a short shelf life.

Dating with the intention of meeting new female friends is one thing but if its with the intention of forming a new committed relationship then you are on dangerous ground.

You need to emotionally heal first. Give yourself 6 months to a year before you get emotionally involved with another woman.

Better to be choosy and test all of the women you date to filter the good ones from the damaged ones. The last thing you need is to get involved with one who's just like your stbxw.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband and I were separated (he moved out) for 3 months. 

He's moving home this weekend.

If he had dated anyone, reconciliation wouldn't have happened.

Make a choice. Personally, I think it's a cheap way out. "Oh but she says I'm amazing." So what. Either you want your wife or you don't. If you don't, then cut the crap and file divorce.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

alphaomega said:


> Go get laid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


absolutely, knock the bottom out of it


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Personally, and I may contradict myself here, I would make good and sure that R will definitely NOT happen before I dated again, and I would be EXTREMELY wary of the rebounder.

And look at the bright side-at least you know you still got "it"!


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

even if u r going to R why not have some of ur own before going back 

and seriously move on man u deserve better than serial cheater


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My husband and I were separated (he moved out) for 3 months.
> 
> He's moving home this weekend.
> 
> ...


Our situation is quite different, and certainly torched at the moment. My WW caged me up back in the day and gas lighted me...and due to her extreme selfishness she did whatever she pleased while keeping me all to herself.

I have no other benchmark really when it comes to girls, and I've had the impulse often...but my self control prevented me from hopping on the affair train.

Now, that innocence is blown apart, and in our separated state, I feel that if I didn't date or at the least spend some time with other women, one of a few things would happen: I'd become the dirt bag and start fvcking girls through the ages, the curiosity of 'what if' would eat me apart, or I'd just resent her knowing that whether she believes this or not, I was always a 2nd man in her life where at any time, she could have fallen for the OM and just dropped me (she claims this is not the case, but then again, she also never considered her life would implode like this...it just never crossed her mind that sh!t could blow up in her face.

I would have no problem if she dated right now either. I really wouldn't. This is about us REALLY doing some soul searching on an individual basis and determining if we truly could be a good fit for each other on a forward basis...or if we have always done a good job pretending to have a good marriage, when in reality we have hardly anything in common.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Searial cheaters have the highest risk of cheating again. She is deceptive and calculating from what you describe, is she capable of love and devotion? What is her pathology? If she has an incurable PD, you are in for the same. 

The young kids are a big issue. Have you considered getting full custody? At the very lest, make sure that you get 50% custody and stay very involved in their lives. The fact that you are perusing a relation after separation for so short a time may mean that your priorities are not with your children. They need your full attention at this point. They are young and you say your wife is unstable. If that is the case, you really need to consolidate your relationship with them and set up a firm pattern of contact with them. 

Why antagonize your wife now? This jeopardizes you relationship with your kids. To me, proving yourself sexually is not the most important tging in your life right now. Someone has to be there for your children, someone healthy and involved. How involved are you if you are worried about your appeal to women and getting sex? Someone needs to be the adult and put the kids first ahead of personal persuits. Is that person you? I think you will feel far more secure as a man if you successfully negotiate a relationship with your children. 

You will also be able to attract a healthy and well put together woman. A woman who gets involved with a newly separated man in the middle of a messy relationship may not be herself healthy. What do you have to offer and what type of woman would accept so little? If you are not taking good care of your kids and she is OK with that she may be self centered and opportunist.. If she is beautiful as you say, then she has her pick of men with far less baggage, so again why would she settle for you? Think ahead using your powers of decernmant and control. 

You may be attractive but she probably meets men as attractive as she. Don't take the common route, be responsible and selfless right now. Put your.kids first and provide a firm foundation for them. I think you will find a woman of high quality who will recognize your value. If you engage in self-serving pursuits now, you miss the window of opportunity to form a quality relationship with your kids. This sets your character for latter relationships and you may attract a self-serving, self-centered woman who will not love and value you. Sounds a little like your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Searial cheaters have the highest risk of cheating again. She is deceptive and calculating from what you describe, is she capable of love and devotion? What is her pathology? If she has an incurable PD, you are in for the same.
> 
> The young kids are a big issue. Have you considered getting full custody? At the very lest, make sure that you get 50% custody and stay very involved in their lives. The fact that you are perusing a relation after separation for so short a time may mean that your priorities are not with your children. They need your full attention at this point. They are young and you say your wife is unstable. If that is the case, you really need to consolidate your relationship with them and set up a firm pattern of contact with them.
> 
> ...


Honestly I don't think my WW has an incurable PD...I think she has always been incredibly selfish and never really considered consequences in her poor decisions. She is actually a great mother and the kids are her life really. She doesn't have any hobbies other than the family unit and the kids, as strange as that sounds.

I wouldn't try to snake full custody from her cause I approve of her parenting skills...and I think it would end up being 50/50 with a united front...living in the same district...and being near our family to make sure the kids continue to get the love they have always been subjected to.

I do worry there is a slight chance my WW goes crazy if I decide to move on without her...it would be like the final nail in the coffin of her childish games being over. She is spiteful and she doesn't even have good reason to be...a very insecure person that according to her "never faced her demons".

As far as me pursing other women, I remain involved with the kids, heavily. I see them at least every other night even though I'm not sleeping at home. The least three weekends I have had them almost exclusively as my WW has been working OT. Today consisted of breakfast, bowling, and a haunted hay ride. I won't walk out of them. Hell, the only reason I'm REMOTELY considering R is because of the kids.

BUT, I will NOT remain in this relationship for the kids, and only the kids. More power to those that are capable of remaining in a loveless relationship for the children, but that ship has sailed and I can't waste the next 20 years of life locked up with a woman that has in a way kept me locked up for the previous 15 years.

We are fortunate in having both sets of grandparents alive and healthy, and very involved with the kids. So if/when we figure things out, the extended family will certainly remain in the picture. The kids are going to be ok. Our relationship going forward is going to be unorthodox at best, so they will get used to things being unique a suppose.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> BUT, I will NOT remain in this relationship for the kids, and only the kids. More power to those that are capable of remaining in a loveless relationship for the children, but that ship has sailed and I can't waste the next 20 years of life locked up with a woman that has in a way kept me locked up for the previous 15 years.
> 
> We are fortunate in having both sets of grandparents alive and healthy, and very involved with the kids. So if/when we figure things out, the extended family will certainly remain in the picture. The kids are going to be ok. Our relationship going forward is going to be unorthodox at best, so they will get used to things being unique a suppose.


So, maybe I am confused here. But are you attempting or wanting possible reconciliation with your wife?

If so, I would think that both of you should then be dedicated to that front, and that would likely mean not bringing other parties (such as starting to date) in to the mix, as that does not show commitment.

Have you set a timeframe - like say 6 months or whatever is acceptable to you two to work through the issues/feelings, and if there's no traction, then move forward with divorce. What do they say - either fish or cut bait?

If you are currently separated, but considering reconciliation, have you set up any rules together on what is acceptable actions for each of you during the separation? 

Best wishes.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> So, maybe I am confused here. But are you attempting or wanting possible reconciliation with your wife?
> 
> If so, I would think that both of you should then be dedicated to that front, and that would likely mean not bringing other parties (such as starting to date) in to the mix, as that does not show commitment.
> 
> ...


Well, I guess I look at it this way at this [broken] point...If the only flavor of ice cream you have ever had is Vanilla, and then all of the sudden you got food poisoning from some vanilla beans...but you really loved ice cream...wouldn't you perhaps try a different flavor to see if perhaps you liked it better than vanilla?

Silly analogy, but since the one woman I put all my stock in nuked my life as I knew it, I can't possibly hop back into things w/o exploring a bit. I am not looking for a wife, but I don't have anything to benchmark against my WW.

I am curious. Extremely curious. And I am going to act on it to see if my decision to marry young and to a woman that wasn't very good to me is something that, at this point, I need to permanently remove myself from. I may not like it and realize that the family unit is where I want to be, should my WW be able to rehabilitate. I don't have any answers right now though.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deejo,
Which of those two did your W do?



Deejo said:


> Rebound relationships are wonderful from the perspective of showing you what is possible, in a good way.
> 
> I had one shortly after separating. Passionate. Intense. Very enlightening and fulfilling in contrast to the emotional black hole that a cratered marriage can produce. She had full disclosure as well.
> 
> ...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Deejo,
> Which of those two did your W do?


Or, she can go for door #3: "Oh well, I guess it's official-he has moved on, and now I can get MY happiness without the guilt!"


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Or, she can go for door #3: "Oh well, I guess it's official-he has moved on, and now I can get MY happiness without the guilt!"


I don't think my WW has ever been faithful... to any of her previous boyfriends (I know, red flag ). She may be best off in no committed relationship...just dating. Terrible for the kids to be subjected to, but another obvious concern is that one man may not be able to give her the amount of attention she needs.


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