# Becoming colder and more bitter.... Resentment



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You know Reconciliation and the pursuit of it is hard. Many who walk this path never make it... 

My marriage is currently stable with a 98.7% remorseful husband. I don't give him 100% because occasionally I think he is a jerk. (Even faithful spouses can be jerks so I may not be being fair)

My problem is I get close, so close to feeling safe, trusting and happy but then, down the line blow up in my face. We will have an argument or fight here and there and to be honest in the moment of the fight I really want out of the marriage. It may be an argument over something petty, but it feels to me like i'm nearing the broken back of a camel caused by a small pesky blade of straw. 

He gets mean, probably reasonably so... From his perspective I am willing to divorce over something small... But he does not understand the build up and the resentment that lives and breaths inside of me. 

Do i love him. Hell yes. 
Do i value the life we built? Yes, but- 
Do I want to stay married to him? Yes, 80-90% of the time. 

But i just don't think he gets me... Not just the betrayal, (he is the WS) But i don't think he really understands who I have become. 

I am a HD wife, always was before the affairS, now I would guess i am average. He may know or suspect but i hardly want to have sex with him anymore. 

Am i attracted to him? YEP! Im just not attracted to the cheater that I know he was/is. I don't even masturbate, because it's just not something I do often. 

I am so insecure with myself and everyone around me... i TRY to please everyone, but in the end I don't please myself and as a result I blow up at the kids, and no one is happy and I hate myself for no being able to control my emotions and how I feel. 

I do feel stuck, by my own desires and needs. 

I used to blindly love this man! Devoted, and doted on him. Used to watch the clock because he had been gone to work all day and i wanted to hang out with my best friend! But now, i want him to work late so I can be alone to myself for a few hours. I find myself not wanting to engage in conversation when he gets home. 

I am not doing these things on purpose. It seemed to have evolved over time and fights through our Reconciliation. 

It is not the affairs that broke me... It's everything in between. 

I am not happy, But- I am trying to be. 

Leaving is not the answer right now... Maybe down the line.... I just wish we were not like this. 

I know i didn't cheat, but i feel like i'm a bad mom, bad wife, but at the same time I blame HIM for it. I don't really think that is right. 

Dont know what advice or feed back im looking for... Im just venting maybe.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Your feelings are normal. It helps to get them out.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> You know Reconciliation and the pursuit of it is hard. Many who walk this path never make it...
> 
> My marriage is currently stable with a 98.7% remorseful husband. I don't give him 100% because occasionally I think he is a jerk. (Even faithful spouses can be jerks so I may not be being fair)
> 
> ...


Please do not become bitter and resentful. 
It will eat you alive.
Be mindful and look for meaning in life.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I am reconciled going on five or six years.

You can't hold on to the resentment if you ever want to be happy.

You need to live your life the way you want it.

Time will help but isn't the only answer. 

Did you get counseling?

He's never going to be able to make it up to you so what's the use in expecting him too.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

ButtPunch said:


> He's never going to be able to make it up to you so what's the use in expecting him too.


Here's your answer:



threelittlestars said:


> From his perspective I am willing to divorce over something small... But he does not understand the build up and the resentment that lives and breaths inside of me.


OP has a right to expect her wayward to not minimize what he did, and to understand and empathize with the damage he's done. Reconciliation is impossible until that gap is bridged.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Here's your answer:
> 
> 
> 
> OP has a right to expect her wayward to not minimize what he did, and to understand and empathize with the damage he's done. Reconciliation is impossible until that gap is bridged.


I didn't get that from the post but there maybe a back story I have missed.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

ButtPunch said:


> I didn't get that from the post but there maybe a back story I have missed.


Maybe I'm overreaching here, but when I read a statement that says the wayward is minimizing and while the betrayed is having trouble accepting, that looks like a pretty solid link to me. 

Maybe there is absolutely nothing the wayward can do to get back into OP's good graces. Maybe not. We don't know for sure. But we do know that whatever chance he could have completely disappears so long as he minimizes and fails to acknowledge her feelings, which is exactly what I get out of "From his perspective I am willing to divorce over something small... But he does not understand the build up and the resentment that lives and breaths inside of me."


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

threelittlestars,

Is the affair known to your children and family? Or do you have to pretend with them? 

Do you have support persons who know what happened?

How far is the OW out of the picture? Does she live within 100 miles or is she socially connected to friends of yours?

Do you have all the details of the affair or is your H still stonewalling you.

Tamat


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

We are three years post dday. when i say petty, it will be about minor arguments in life. We dont really argue about the affairs anymore. 

Yes all family know, have known since nearly the get go. we have separated for a stint, he has had a polygraph. For the most part I would say he has learned to walk the walk and talk the talk. 

I have many reasons to stay. i WANT to stay and keep trying to accept, but what is hard is accepting not the affair but the fact that I had to drag true remorse out of him. That we went through a miserable 2 to about 2 and a half years since i found out before he even started reasonably understanding and getting it. 

he does not minimize his cheating as petty. no, he takes full ownership there. 

The other woman's? All online except an out of town old friend of mine who happened to be a (poly) and a stripper. He never physically cheated, but there were three times that he tried to hook up with three different people. So intent was there and I basically fell he did physically cheat because had it worked out he would have in a heart beat... (uGH) So i have never minimized his affair because it was through text and email. The writing was on the wall. 

My story is so crazy complicated and I would direct you to some of my threads but i have deleted much of them for two reasons, one was a fear my husband would see my inner most thoughts and vents, which I just want to keep to myself. And frame my communications with him in a more reasonable and measured tone. And the other has been because i have been trolled a few times and just wanted to erase myself from this site. But i don't like to go to counseling and honestly I have received better advice and help on forums. 

But to answer your question yes I have been in IC for a year. I stopped going about 9 months ago. MC yes, and they were not helpful. Honestly few MC actually know how to reasonably talk to BS.... most of the time I have wanted to back hand them for some of the drivel that we paid to hear. 

Anyway, i hope that clears up misconceptions about the petty arguments.


I have received detailed timeline after a month of TT in the very beginning. (3 years ago.) I have spoken to my EX friend and thankfully from the text and email exchange i was able to see it was him pursuing her, and her trying to gently advise him away from his path. But she never told me so I felt betrayed. But when i messaged her she provided proof and fillers for the holes i felt were in his story.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I just saw your post. Did you do your 180? Anyhow, healing sometimes takes years. Years and years.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> I just saw your post. Did you do your 180? Anyhow, healing sometimes takes years. Years and years.


yeah, the 180 is and was my motto for a long time. Not the stage we are at now.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Some people aren't cut out for reconciliation.

This may be you.

You have to not hang on to the resentment

Bitter is not a way to live.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I agree, but how do i stop this? How do I let it go? I want to be one of those people who can move on and live a good life fulfilled. 
I know that will not happen unless I can. Petty things at this point should not make me give him or want to... But that is how I feel.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

A small pesky blade of straw?

So lets see here . . .

He's a serial cheater.
He was unrepentant.
He gets mean toward you.
You can't control your emotions.
You can't control your outbursts.
You feel differently about him.
He minimizes your feelings.
You are not happy.
You can't feel safe.
You are seething with resentment.
You are taking it out on your kids.

And you blame all of that on "a small pesky blade of straw."

Your husband cannot possibly understand you because you don't understand yourself. You don't know who you are. At no point have you dealth with his cheating. It seems like you sweeped that under the rug and now blame the aftermath for your woes. Well, just blame me too, why dontcha!

Weigh all of that against NOT wanting anything to change. Wanting everything to go back to the way it was means you have swept his cheating under the rug because that is what changed everything. You even stated that his cheating isn't the problem, while you blame the problem on all the subsequent things that have occurred so you don't have to face the real issue. Scarlett O'Hara syndrome. 

You separated and went back to him because you were hurt, still loved him, and wanted the marriage. All of that is normal because the pain of infidelity causes the heart to grow intensely stronger. Since you loved him so much and wanted to be with him so badly, you have confused those emotions with forgiveness, but it's not forgiveness. It's just giving in to those intense emotions so you don't have to deal with them.

You're driving yourself crazy because you won't face the problem. You won't make the decision to leave because that would mean facing the problem since leaving is the one and only solution. But you refuse to handle that and instead, you say it's not the answer. But it's the only answer. You will see that if you ever decide to face th e fact that you married a man who crashed your world so many times by making several attempts to hook up with everything in a skirt. In the meantime, it's eating you up inside. But you attribute that nagging - your instincts - to being something else. 

Take the time for yourself away from him to process all of this. Decide what you want now that his cheating is not so fresh and your emotions are not so intense.

Also, it's normal to blame the other woman. I don't know why we always direct our wrath onto the affair partner, but we do. People very often displace their anger toward the other person because it's easier than facing the truth about the person we love. Your friend was right not to tell you about his advances. She handled him well, so you have nothing to blame her for. That isn't something the average person would tell, and what you did is exactly the reason. Nobody wants to end up being the one who gets blamed. I had a best friend whose boyfriend always cheated on her and she knew it, but I knew I still would tell hnever er if he ever came on to me. So, I asked her if she would want to know and she said yes. But without that advance agreement, I would never have spoken a word about it. I just would have slapped the crap out him and moved on.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> I agree, but how do i stop this? How do I let it go? I want to be one of those people who can move on and live a good life fulfilled.
> I know that will not happen unless I can. Petty things at this point should not make me give him or want to... But that is how I feel.


Infidelity is just one manifestation of an unhealthy person. And what THAT person does to their mate in the coverup process is just a part of who they are.

Unless your husband is astoundingly awesome by any standards other than the infidelity you probably get mentally worked on a daily basis about things like spending too much money on food, your laundry eff ups, spent 10 bucks too much on socks.

It is Always something to minamize YOU.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> I agree, but how do i stop this? How do I let it go? I want to be one of those people who can move on and live a good life fulfilled.
> I know that will not happen unless I can. Petty things at this point should not make me give him or want to... But that is how I feel.


I wish I could answer this. 

My wife made a mistake. 

A big one. Almost lost me and her two little babies.

I moved on. She got help and came back. The first year was a 
Little tough. I'm happy I reconciled. 

My advice is to do what makes you happy and not be so angry anymore. He does something to betray your trust again and it's over. 

Don't sweat the small stuff


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

threelittlestars said:


> I agree, but how do i stop this? How do I let it go? I want to be one of those people who can move on and live a good life fulfilled.
> I know that will not happen unless I can. Petty things at this point should not make me give him or want to... But that is how I feel.


You don't until you face it. The petty things that bother you are indications of the bigger picture - the real problem.

Let me try to explain this way:
My sister and I were shopping at the mall when I began to get a toothache that was hurting more and more until it was REALLY hurting. But from the time that it started, I was fussing at my sister over really stupid things. I even criticized the way she walked, which was no different from the way she had always walked. We were in our 30s afterall. She wore a nylon windbreaker jacket that made the most annoying noise as her arms swang back and forth across the fabric, but she'd had that same jacket on all day. The toothache made the back and forth swishing sound extremely annoying, so I fussed at her about that too. When the pain pill that I had taken finally kicked in, I apologized for how crappy I was acting toward her. She told me she didn't pay me any mind because she knew how pain affects a person, so she understood why I was doing all that. I hugged and thanked her for understanding, and then none of those things bothered me just like they didn't bother me before the toothache began. 

Until she defined it, I didn't realize how we get annoyed and nitpick little things when we're trying to deal with pain. Everything gets on your nerves. And that's what you are doing. If you were not wracked with the pain of his infidelity, all the petty stuff wouldn't bother you. But because you swept it under the rug instead of facing it, you are still writhing in pain in so many words, and all the little things seem much bigger than they are.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Consider that you have wanted to leave him several times over the petty things - the things you label as "a small pesky blade of grass - but you can't decide to leave him over the real offenses. Those petty things are exascerbated by the actual offense because the actual offense is what continues to plague you even though you keep sweeping it and keep trying to convince yourself the cheating isn't the problem. But it is the problem.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't know what to tell you. Most adulterers are *******s. If you start with that premise an realize that maybe 5% ever get it then is there really any surprise that you are becoming colder and more bitter and resentful? The 5% who get it basically dedicate their life to changing their very core nature. If they don't do that then you are pretty much stuck with an *******. 

It just seems to me when I read about R, it's mostly good people trying really, really hard to live with bad ones. Is that you?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

A couple of others are right. You've got to deal with the resentment. It has to come out in the open. And it's bad for your health.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Consider that you have wanted to leave him several times over the petty things - the things you label as "a small pesky blade of grass - but you can't decide to leave him over the real offenses. Those petty things are exascerbated by the actual offense because the actual offense is what continues to plague you even though you keep sweeping it and keep trying to convince yourself the cheating isn't the problem. But it is the problem.


She is afraid. Scared. Totally human and understandable.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You haven't forgiven him!

And you might not ever be able to!

If you can't then divorce before you waste the rest of your life!

Start reading on forgivness. Really give some thought to if its possible for you to forgive him. Be honest its ok if you can't.

I think the only way I could would be a revenge affair! I know that its not recommended but for me thats what it would take!

But they would have to know so they could feel the pain!




Wow after reading what I wrote I feel ashamed! But I feel that its truthfull.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

sandcastle said:


> She is afraid. Scared. Totally human and understandable.


Pointless because I didn't say she isn't afraid or scared or that it's not totally human and understandable. In fact, I said what she's doing is the normal.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Threelittle 

From what I see you have multiple issues that are not allowing you to move forward. These issues have led to your resentment, and it will get worse if you don’t find a solution to the issues. First I see acceptance as an issue, and by not having this you are quick tempered. If you truly accepted what your husband has done, then you move forward. You have anger and sadness to what has happened, but what kills you inside is that you had to drag remorse from him. Remorse should have come from him, not you, and you know this all to well. This is an instant breeding ground for both acceptance and resentment to affect you negatively. 

Next you have your anger outbursts where you yell at the kids. You do this because of anger and hostility that is meant towards your husband. In a way bitterness would be the best word here, because you have turned this way because of him. I have done this too, so please don’t think I am beating you up for this, it’s even harder to break this soon to be habit. Accepting the affair is something that is difficult, as you know, but ask yourself if you truly have accepted the affair without anger. I bet not, I bet that you still have anger and I think that to be normal. Accepting the affair is coming to peace with it and not having anger, please don’t think I’m saying to be happy about it either. There will be pain, there will be a sadness for what once was, but there will also come peace. 

This is a very rough stretch in reconciliation, and if your husband is a jerk as you say it will be that much more difficult. I wish you well, I know the difficulties you are going through, and I wish you didn’t have to.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Pointless because I didn't say she isn't afraid or scared or that it's not totally human and understandable. In fact, I said what she's doing is the normal.


No you didn't say any of that which is why I said it...but you said a whole lot of other stuff in your novellas.

Go back and read your own posts.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Being scared of being on my own yes is a viable summation of my emotions at times. Insecure and unsure, yeah all of it. 

But no the answer is NOT divorce at the moment. (I will not deny the possibility later) i have a remorseful spouse of about a year now. And he was working on it for 2 years before. No rug sweeping has happened at any point. But dragging him to reconciliation was a fact. I feel that MAKING him get it, regardless of getting it just pisses me off. 

When it comes to arguments I have zero patience for him. Even when he has rational arguments, Trouble is he has no tact, no way to frame his statements without them being painfully blunt and it offends me. He practically thinks i should read his mind so i dont react negatively to what words come out of his mouth. I have told him that when it comes to interpretation all I have are his words and they suck.... I have told him he needs to work on tact, but he claims i need to work on trusting that he means things in the best light. (I dont even know how to wrap my head around this) am i wrong? Am I right? Am I petty? ugh.... 

Sometimes I just want to walk away. Leave it all. Love my kids, but i am a lame parent... I try to be great. I try to keep the house going. I do everything when it comes to cleaning and up keep, and EVEN repair to house and cars. He works.... But i still think no matter how hard I work I am failing. He is critical of my temperment with the kids but he loses his temper with the kids in equal measure though he deny's it. Im not wanting to get in a **** slinging competition but he has damaged me with his opinions on the subject. 

Im just frankly pretty low. I really really think im cracking under all this strain.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> When it comes to arguments I have zero patience for him. Even when he has rational arguments, Trouble is he has no tact, no way to frame his statements without them being painfully blunt and it offends me. He practically thinks i should read his mind so i dont react negatively to what words come out of his mouth. I have told him that when it comes to interpretation all I have are his words and they suck.... I have told him he needs to work on tact, but he claims i need to work on trusting that he means things in the best light. (I dont even know how to wrap my head around this) am i wrong? Am I right? Am I petty? ugh....


Stars, I'm sorry you have had to go through this crap.
It takes a long time to forgive, I am a testament to that. It took my wife better than 10 years for her to forgive my EA, it took me far longer to forgive myself. I can't hope to tell you what true remorse looks like because it's a little different for each person.

That being said, I admit I am slightly conflict avoidant. I generally try to not rock the boat with the wife. I try to make my case, but at times it just does not good, that's when I become extremely blunt. That generally gets her attention, to which she comes out swinging, bad move on her part. When she comes out swinging that just eggs me on, and it's on from there.

I mention this as maybe it will help you recognize potential triggers in each other's reactions to each other. I can recognize it and stop it at times, other times it's like watching the same car crash over and over and not being able to stop it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R is a very tough road. I lived it for decades. You never forget the infidelity that led to R but there are usually underlying issues in the relationship as well. That was true in my marriage -- it wasn't just about cheating. I once thought love was enough to make a relationship work but that definitely wasn't true in my case. Sometimes it just doesn't.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> I have many reasons to stay. i WANT to stay and *keep trying to accept*, but what is hard is accepting not the affair but the fact that I had to drag true remorse out of him.


Here is the syntax error of your recovery.

You are trying to accept the unacceptable.

You are attempting to divide by zero.

You hear all sorts of talk about the cheater doing the heavy lifting. Making changes. Making personal growth. Doing things to change their perspectives so that they can become a better person.

What isn't talked about a whole lot (IMHO) is the acceptances that a BS has to make.
You have to accept that your spouse is a cheater.
You have to accept that their affair had nothing to do with you.
You have to accept that loved another more than you.
You have to accept they wanted sex from another more than you.
You have to accept they wanted emotional connection from someone else more than you.
You have to accept the fact that they blow up the marriage.
You have to accept the fact that they have forever changed the course of your marriage
You have to accept the fact that you now have to change in order to stay with them.
You have to accept changing your paradigms about a cheating spouse.
You have to accept that you spouse picker might be broken.
You have to accept the fact that you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of by the cheater
You have to accept ... This list goes on to infinity.

So the need to accept or have to accept, that's a whole lot more than whatever heavy lifting process the cheater has to go through in order for you to stay with a cheater.
IMO, the ledger never equalizes. You the BS are always running in red.

I apologize if this has been mentioned, you need to be with some IC that has infidelity experience.

You are like Sisyphus right now, pushing that boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back to the bottom of the hill. 
Talk to an IC and see if you can break some of your patterns.
I suspect that reconciliation, no matter how honorable you are in your long attempt to try, isn't in the work for you.
It looks like you see you long list of acceptances you have too make in order to stay with him, and the debts are simply too great.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> Being scared of being on my own yes is a viable summation of my emotions at times. Insecure and unsure, yeah all of it.
> 
> But no the answer is NOT divorce at the moment. (I will not deny the possibility later) i have a remorseful spouse of about a year now. And he was working on it for 2 years before. No rug sweeping has happened at any point. But dragging him to reconciliation was a fact. I feel that MAKING him get it, regardless of getting it just pisses me off.
> 
> ...



You need to check out the "Chumplady" website and books. 

This is all part and parcel of the process. This is all part of the mindf#$k living with cheater. 

What is causing all your inner turmoil and chaos and all this disturbance in The Force, is you are trying to reconcile his suckitude with your desire for everything to be just peachy keen. 

The devaluation and criticalness of the WS towards the BS is standard. It's part of the value-added feature of package. If you stay with a cheater, you get to be devalued and criticized for free. 

One of the reasons I try to steer many BSs to the 'Chumplady' website is they have a standard slogan there that puts everything into chrystal clarity -

- *"Trust That They Suck"*

You are trying to reconcile two polar opposites in your brain. You are trying to convince yourself that he is a good person and a good husband and a good father and that you have a good marriage, despite the fact that he devalues you, criticizes you, puts his time, energy and money into trying to hook up with various other women and then really doesn't feel bad about it or see anything wrong with that. 

Trying to reconcile those things would drive anyone nutty. 

Just trust that he sucks. 

Have faith in the fact that he is selfish, immature and entitled jerk who will always put his own horniness and his own pleasures and whims over other people's needs. 

Have faith in the fact that he doesn't truly value you as an equal life-partner and love of his life and other half of his own being. He may want to someone taking care of the house, cars and kids so he doesn't have to (ie a "wife appliance") And he may want the convenience of having a warm body around all the time to keep his bed warm on the nights his internet ho's don't come around. But have faith that he doesn't truly value you as true life-partner and equal to his awesomeness. 

Have faith and trust in those things and trust that he sucks and that will set you free. 

Once you stop hoping and expecting him to be a kind, dependable, trustworthy, decent person and devoted husband and father, then you will be at peace with yourself. Then it will all make sense and then you will understand where you stand and you know his next moves. 

Right now you are driving yourself looney tunes because you are trying to convince yourself that he is good and that you have the happy, healthy marriage you have always dreamed of, but you see all the daily signs and symptoms of a disordered twit that pursues other women and criticizes how you stacked the pans in the cupboard. 

Trust that he sucks and then you can see him for how he really is and you will know what it is you are actually dealing with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that being said, the decision to stay or go is yours to decide. 

Maybe once you trust that he sucks, you weigh the pros and cons and decide it's too much hassle to live with a @#%(wit and you pack up and go so you can live your own life on your own terms without having to police him and without having him rub your own self-concept into the muck. 

Or you may accept that he is a turd but he's a turd that brings in some $$ and does occasionally mow the lawn after you've nagged and threatened him enough and that is good enough to keep him around and so you stay. 

Whether you stay or go is a choice you can make depending on your own cost vs benefit ratio. 

But my point is once you accept that he sucks and you break your addiction to Hopium and stop looking for signs that he is a decent husband, father and human and once you stop trying to convince yourself that he is a decent person and that this is all going to work out and be wonderful - then you won't be bat-$h1+- crazy anymore.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And the biggest benefit from trusting and having faith that he sucks is that once you accept that he is a turd, then you won't drive yourself crazy thinking that if *YOU* can somehow be better, that this will all work out and be hunky dory. 

That is probably your biggest issue now is that you are somehow thinking that if you can be perfect, that this will somehow all magically fall into place and be fabulous. 

The problem is it just doesn't work that way. It doesn't matter how bright and shiny you are, he is still a turd. 

And it doesn't matter how many sparkles and shiny paint you try to apply to him, he is still a turd. 

Y'know, Sandra Bullock got cheated on and treated like crap. Do you think she got cheated on and treated like crap because she wasn't good enough????

Do you think she wasn't pretty enough so her so-called husband had to go out and bang a bunch of skanks because he was too awesome to stay with Sandra?

Do you think she didn't keep a clean and perfect enough house (mansion?) so he had to go nail some crack ho because he found a wrinkled up sock in the corner of a closet?

Do you think she didn't work hard enough or make enough money or was respected enough by her peers that he had to find some drunk party girl in a club and bang her up against a dumpster in the alley behind the club???

No. He did it because he was a turd and he sucked. 

Do you think she should have spent years and years out of her life doing the "Pick me! Dance" and dedicated herself to being a super human so her ne'er-do-well spouse would treat her decently and keep his penis out of other vaginas?

No. It had nothing to do with her and it certainly that she wasn't good enough or pretty enough or successful enough or any kind of 'enough'. 

It was because he was a turd and he sucked. 

Trust that he sucks and stop killing yourself trying to be perfect. You can't compensate for his suck.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

The vast majority of women who say that can't leave or can't leave right now almost invariably say it because they don't work. You gave us that clue a couple times, so I naturally expected that was the reason being that I'm accustomed to women always citing "many reasons" that they can't leave, but I needed you to say it. 

I don't know why you won't go to work. It seems you refuse to entertain the thought of working and prefer to depend on him. But you're holding yourself back, and you don't know that is the reason you feel stuck with this man. 

So you refuse to face the problem
You blame the problem on a great many other things so you don't have to face the problem
You blame not being able to leave on "not the answer" and "many reasons" so you don't have to face leaving
You keep trying to accept the unacceptable - his affair and the way he treats you
You keep trying to find reasons and ways to cope with the unacceptable
You refuse to listen to anyone because we're telling you the truth instead of the magic words you're looking for, for which only a lobotomy would be your solution, but no one here is going to suggest that.

One other mistake is you making your forgiveness a contingency based on his level of remorse. As long as he was what you gauged as sufficiently remorseful, then you will let it go. But then you didn't like having to wrangle every iota of remorse out of him, which means he wasn't really remorseful at all, but you accepted that and now loathe him and yourself for it. 

It's idealistic but an extremely bad idea for a woman to be unemployed and dependent on a man. You threw yourself into the middle of the last century and all the eons that preceded. There is nothing difficult to understand about being asked in so many words "don't speak to me that way" but instead of respecting you and respecting your wishes, he responds by telling you in so many words "accept that I will talk to you however I please." Do you think he would speak to his boss the way he speaks to you? Do you think he criticizes his boss the way he criticizes everything you do? And do you think he would tell his boss in so many words "too bad" if his boss told him "don't speak to me that way"? You know as well as I do all three of those answers is a resounding "hell no!"

So, why does he treat YOU this way? The reason is that he knows he has you over a barrel. He knows you won't leave because you can't. He knows that even if you threaten to leave or pretend to leave, you will be right back because he provides your bread and butter and the roof over your head. And you give him all of your power every time you beg him to be kinder to you and every day that you sit there in that house entirely under his control. If you were financially independent of his income, he would straighten up when tell him to straighten up because you would be the one who owns your own power, rather than handing it to him each morning you rise.

You're driving yourself crazy by allowing him to drive you crazy. Go to work and see the difference it makes in your life (and I bet he tries to prevent you or finds a way to sabotage it). Gaining economic power is the only advice you need. This is an age-old story of who has the most advantage and who takes advantage that you decide to live each day that you are not working. If you had the income to take care of yourself and your children, you wouldn't blame not leaving on "not the answer" and "many reasons."


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

[email protected] said:


> I just saw your post. Did you do your 180? Anyhow, healing sometimes takes years. Years and years.


According to my sister who is a Marriage/Family Therapist (PhD), average is 10 years.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> Being scared of being on my own yes is a viable summation of my emotions at times. Insecure and unsure, yeah all of it.
> 
> But no the answer is NOT divorce at the moment. (I will not deny the possibility later) i have a remorseful spouse of about a year now. And he was working on it for 2 years before. No rug sweeping has happened at any point. But dragging him to reconciliation was a fact. I feel that MAKING him get it, regardless of getting it just pisses me off.
> 
> ...


This just reeks of resentment

and you are not wrong feeling this way

However if you want to stay married it has to go

Get some books see a counselor do something or
your marriage is doomed


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

If you had all been able to read past threads you would be aware that I had open heart surgery a decade ago...years back, a Gallbladder removal about 5 years ago, and I also got hit by a jeep two and a half years ago... (I was a pedestrian and it was a hit and run.) I hate to say it but i need help. I need the help of a partner for raising the kids. I dont want to be dependent, but I am.

(Yes i do love him-how can I not with the nearly wonderful history we have had) BUT I ALSO NEED HIM NOW. Would love to not need him. Then I could better focus on want, but some things are just practical. 

I need the insurance his work provides, I need the help that he does give. 

I do work, and make about 500$ a month from home. (thank goodness) Been working for almost 9 months. 


You guys make a lot of assumptions but i dont exactly blame you. i have not made it easy to understand the scope of my issues.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

StarFires said:


> The vast majority of women who say that can't leave or can't leave right now almost invariably say it because they don't work. You gave us that clue a couple times, so I naturally expected that was the reason being that I'm accustomed to women always citing "many reasons" that they can't leave, but I needed you to say it.
> 
> I don't know why you won't go to work. It seems you refuse to entertain the thought of working and prefer to depend on him. But you're holding yourself back, and you don't know that is the reason you feel stuck with this man.
> 
> ...


i DO work, but i work from home. He never ever once prevented me from something I wanted to do. But he does make more.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Three

I had many issues accepting what infidelity had brought to me, arguments no matter what the subject, had me wanting to destroy my wife. It didn’t matter what the argument was over or even if related to infidelity. I got angry very fast. I contribute that to a few things that I wasn’t as far along as I thought. I thought I had truly forgiven, but if I had I wouldn’t get angry as I did. I thought I had accepted, again I wouldn’t get as angry as I had. I think for you it’s time, not enough time has passed combined with your husband having to be explained what to get or understand. Having to explain this is throwing you backwards, not forwards and thus keeps you from growing. Each time you feel as if you’re growing you have to explain to your husband what you are felling and what he needs to understand.

This is going to fuel resentment within you, your husband needs to take the necessary steps to allow you to heal. This hasn’t happened and of course you aren’t healed. Combine your physical ailments and you could have a recipe for disaster. I hope this doesn’t happen, I think you are far too strong and can navigate your way through. Your husband, well he needs to catch up to you and begin to understand what his actions have destroyed. Best of luck to you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hang in there sister! No advice. Just sending love over the internet.

Believe. Hope. Love.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I relate to your posts in many ways Three. My husband is also blunt (“abrasive” is the term they use for him at work). It is something I appreciate about him at times and something I hate. He pulls no punches and sometimes I can’t deal with that. He may have a perfectly logical thing he is saying but his bluntness puts up my defenses. And I retreat to the A and other betrayals and think (and sometimes say) “how dare you call me on whatever, when you did XYZ!” What sucks is that he usually has a point. But not one I want to hear because his delivery hurts. He isn’t mean, he is to the point. But goddamnit I have been wounded and need to be treated with some kid gloves sometimes. But when, and for how long? For me that answer isn’t clear, but I am starting to feel that I am hiding behind the A when criticisms about me come up. That is coming with time. Almost 4 full years of true remorse. I am definitely not on the 2-5 year plan. And I am okay with that - I feel progress 

To be clear, I don’t think you are hiding behind the A feelings - I think it is too soon for you to even go there. If you spent two years fighting for him to get to any level of remorse, you are not three years into reconciliation. Of course you are resentful and of course you don’t trust him. But once my husband “got it” it was like wild fire. And I was pissed! I didn’t expect that, I so wanted him to “get it”. But once he truly “got it” it was up to me to accept it - yet another burden on me - and that doesn’t happen overnight. Three and half years of true remorse and I am not there yet. I am close.

I don’t know if your husband is OCD like mine. It adds a layer of feeling like a failure each day. The house can be military spotless and he will come home and adjust the placement of the furniture, clean what I have just cleaned. How can I not take that as dig? He has told me numerous times that he appreciates all I do to accommodate his issues, but I literally can never measure up. 

That speaks to the other issue I relate to. I do everything for my kids, my husband, work - nothing for me. And I go above and beyond for all of them. But I felt like a failure because I didn’t get the validation back that I would expect. Nobody seems to appreciate what I do to make their lives so golden. And honestly I became depressed, because I gave and gave and didn’t get an equal return. 

Nobody asked me to do these sacrifices. I took it upon myself and internalized everyone’s happiness onto me. Not good. 

Three, you have a triple whammy going on - infidelity, health issues, and normal parenting life. You aren’t failing hon. It takes a strong ass person to get through all of that - and you are.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you in IC and/or MC?

Your resentment is your defense mechanism after being betrayed. It keeps resetting your emotional barometer with him. It's also possible he simply cannot understand fully what you feel, either because he lacks the empathy or simply the first hand experience. If he has never been cheated on, he simply has no idea.

The reason I ask about IC/MC is that you first need a place to openly process your resentment when these episodes occur. Then, you communicate it to him in MC, where the therapist prevents and handles blameshifting so you both must actually listen to each other and absorb.

Then, with better understanding now active, you both need to seal it with more trust-building activities.

Resentment is not a bad thing in itself, but it can hinder the rebuilding of trust if it isn't processed well.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> You know Reconciliation and the pursuit of it is hard. Many who walk this path never make it...
> 
> My marriage is currently stable with a 98.7% remorseful husband. I don't give him 100% because occasionally I think he is a jerk. (Even faithful spouses can be jerks so I may not be being fair)
> 
> ...




this is so me. especially when i find little hints that he is still or again lying to me. i do not deserve that!


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

"It is not the affairs that broke me... It's everything in between. "

QFT

The only thing I will say is that the recovery of your self and life take just as long when Divorce was decided.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You said he's 98.7% remorseful. It's a strange number but it's not 100% - minimum is 100%. 
You had to force him into R for 2 years. A terrible start making R nearly impossible. 
He uses the divorce word in petty arguments. It shouldn't ever be used if you're in R. 
Do you trust 100% that he won't have another A? 

Your unhappiness is due to his affairs & what he has NOT done in R. The petty arguments are a symptom. You took the first step & posted. Here's what I did when I couldn't D for health reasons: 

-ACCEPT he isn't 100% remorseful, doesn't have the empathy required & after 3 years HE NEVER WILL. You're still surprised by that. You shouldn't be. Stop trying to make him more remorseful or empathic. It won't work. After 3 years, he won't change himself either. Why frustrate yourself thinking you want a D 20% of the time when it's not an option. Accept that too. You'll be surprised at the peace acceptance brings. 

-If he starts an argument, SAY NOTHING even if he gets even angrier when you don't respond. Look out the window, make a phonecall, wash the dishes. . . anything. Difficult to do at first but it stops it in its tracks. Try it just once & you'll see. 

-REFRAIN from starting an argument. Make a phonecall, clean a room. . . anything. Do you really need a petty argument? Nope! 

- STOP thinking of yourself as a bad wife & mother. The kids are fine, your husband is fine. You lack self-esteem. Stop beating yourself up. You're doing GREAT being in R which is emotionally gut-wrenching even with 100% remorse & empathy AND you've got your medical problems. 

- Put money aside & get more work. If you can't, cut back on luxuries & buy cheaper brands. Amazing how it adds up. You may want to D later & if you don't, a nest egg is great to have. 

It's all about you taking control of your life. Put you in charge of you. Don't live at the mercy of your H, your kids, your feelings of worthlessness, the affairs. Deep down, you know you have the power to do these things. 

Does that make sense?


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