# I just don't know



## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I talked a little about my relationship here .http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/132122-perspective-needed.html 

I just seem to get so frustrated at times with this relationship. He came over yesterday and we ran some errands. Had a good time doing it and he kept saying he couldn't wait to get back to the house for some alone time, etc. We laughed and flirted and just had a generally great time. I stopped by the grocery store and he decided to stay in the car and take a little nap (he gets up super early) which was fine with me. I get back to the car and its like his whole personality has changed. He said he would probably go home when we got back to my house. (I had thought he was going to stay the night) We get back to my house, he helps me get stuff inside and then, sure enough, he leaves.

Later on last night he's texting me how much he misses me and that he loves me and he hopes I really love him. Then he starts asking about staying the night tonight. Today is his birthday. He's been "jokingly" saying he was just going to spend the day alone. I told him last night he couldn't stay tonight because I'm going to study with some people for my classes.

So I wake up this morning and text him happy birthday. I ask him what time he's coming over and he says 'idk". So I just said let me know when you do.

I really enjoy our times together. It seems that I'm most frustrated when we're not together. He'll "joke" about stupid stuff like I'm too busy for him, or if he texts me while I'm teaching and I don't get back right away, he "jokes" that I've abandoned him. I guess those things kind of trigger me in that my previous LTR did the same thing. If I didn't answer a text within a certain time frame, then I was obviously ignoring him or worse, cheating on him. 

I REALLY do want to end this relationship. I think it's more frustration than enjoyment in the long run. I haven't done it yet because honestly, I didn't want to do it right at his birthday. I know there's just no good time really. Now we have the holidays coming up and all. I'm just at a loss. How can I enjoy our time together so much and yet be so frustrated about the relationship when we're apart?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He said he'd take a nap in the car while you shopped. When you came out he did a complete 180.... Sounds like he had a better offer while you were in the store. 

I read your other thread as well.

He either as serious mood swings that got up/down several times a day or he's seeing someone else. 

How often does this guy actually take you out on dates? Or is it all seeing you at your place?

Ok, don't dump him on his birthday. Wait until Wednesday of this week and dump him. That way it's not tied to his birthday.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

We usually go out every Friday night. That may not happen due to various things but it does most of the time. He texted me pretty frequently last night. It's just weird. He'll tell me how he enjoys being with me and my kids and how he's lonely at home by himself but then he leaves at 5?? It's now 11am here and I haven't heard anything else from him. I'm kinda doubting he's gonna come over today and I'll be damned if I'm gonna go chasing him down and begging him to come over just so I can prove to him how much I love him. I know that's what he's thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You have been having red flags about this relationship for a while now. Do what EleGirl suggest, wait a couple of days and end it.

Seriously, to me, it sounds as if he has a slight mental issue. Maybe it is depression, I don't know, but enough of it has come out to let you know that something isn't quite right.

Move on.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whattodoskidoo said:


> We usually go out every Friday night. That may not happen due to various things but it does most of the time. He texted me pretty frequently last night. It's just weird. He'll tell me how he enjoys being with me and my kids and how he's lonely at home by himself but then he leaves at 5?? It's now 11am here and I haven't heard anything else from him.


One of the problems you are having is that his words do not match his actions.

His words are that he misses you and wants to be with you.

His actions are that he's not with you and is doing something else. He's doing what he wants to do and it does not include you.

When words and action do not match.. trust that the actions express his true intent and feelings... he does not want to be with you. If he wanted to be with you he would be.




whattodoskidoo said:


> I'm kinda doubting he's gonna come over today and I'll be damned if I'm gonna go chasing him down and begging him to come over just so I can prove to him how much I love him. I know that's what he's thinking.


If he's playing this game, then he is not mature enough to have a relationship with.. especially since you have children. Is he competing with your children?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I don't get the feeling that he's competing with my kids. He seems to genuinely enjoy playing with them and spending time with all of us. I truly think he's just used to living alone and doing what he wants when he wants. I think he just decided he was too tired to deal with kids last night and just wanted to go home where it was quieter. I definitely think he's immature. 

You are so correct in that I should trust his actions over his words. It kind of infuriates me how he'll turn that back around on me at times. I know if he doesn't come over today and I say something about it tomorrow, that he'll turn it around and say he didnt want to *force* himself on me and I wasn't clear enough that he could come over when he knows that he has an open invitation to come over whenever he likes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sounds like too much work. It shouldn't be this hard. 

He should bring joy, and love, and laughter, excitement and some kind of security to your life. I don't mean him in particular, but any partner that you choose. And if that isn't happening and the partner is not enhancing your life then cut them loose and keep looking.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

And that's what I keep thinking! If its like this when things are new and everything is supposed to be easy and great, what will it be like a few years from now?? He finally texted me and asked what the point was in coming since he was only going to be able to stay for several hours. The time he could stay today is the exact amount of time he CHOSE to stay yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Nope. He's not coming. Lol. Is breaking up over text an acceptable method these days? I know if I do it face to face, he's going to get emotional and I'll feel sorry for him and it'll make it hat much more difficult. But I also don't want to be a coward and do it over text.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whattodoskidoo said:


> And that's what I keep thinking! If its like this when things are new and everything is supposed to be easy and great, what will it be like a few years from now?? He finally texted me and asked what the point was in coming since he was only going to be able to stay for several hours. The time he could stay today is the exact amount of time he CHOSE to stay yesterday.


This is a crock.

He's playing with your head and you are allowing it. 

Just think, if you end the relationship you will not longer his this crazy making nonsense in your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whattodoskidoo said:


> Nope. He's not coming. Lol. Is breaking up over text an acceptable method these days? I know if I do it face to face, he's going to get emotional and I'll feel sorry for him and it'll make it hat much more difficult. But I also don't want to be a coward and do it over text.


Since so much of your communication is via text, breaking up that way works. Does he have email? You could use that, write a letter... it can be short.

Which one of you usually initiates texts and phone calls?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I don't have his email. We initiate texting pretty much the same amount. I do most of the calling if there is any. It's mostly texting. Sometimes I'll text him and his texts are all short one word answers. I'll say something about please talk to me and he'll say I am ??? Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I don't think it's gong to hurt his feelings all that much. 

IMO... he's not that serious or he'd be trying a little harder to spend time with you...

He might ACT like it hurts but, that's it... just acting.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I think it honestly will hurt him but not because he's so attached to me. It's because he doesn't want to be alone. He said he's not coming because he'd only stay for a couple of hours. I asked why didn't he come earlier and he said he got lazy and unmotivated to move. But of course he went to the gym this morning which is between my house and his. So his motivation only lacked in coming the rest of the way to my house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ya, you could do it in a text. If he calls you chickensh*t for doing it that way.... just tell him you were not motivated to do it face to face.

And when you do it..... don't let any of it sound ambiguous. No "we need a break from each other"...nothing like that. Make it clear. Neither of you are getting your needs met, right or wrong doesn't even matter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps the first step is for you to just stop initiating anything.

Do not call him. 

When/if he text wait a while to respond. Let hours go by. the respond in the same manner he does.. one word, or "???".

If you did this there is a good chance that the relationship will just die off.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

He can tell I'm upset and is backpedaling now. Says he didn't come over earlier because he thought he would come over after I studied, have dinner and stay the night. He called me and I just asked him to respect my space for not wanting to talk about things right now like I did at an earlier time for him. He's texting about how he's worried now that I don't want to be with him anymore. (and honestly this is frustrating for me. Just because someone gets upset about something doesn't necessarily mean they want to end the relationship and I think it's crazy to always jump to that conclusion.)

I don't really want it to just die off. He'll try to be verbally manipulative if I try to do it that way and I don't really want to deal with that.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then take a deep breath and just do it. 

If there is one thing we should learn after divorce, its what we do NOT want. 

Put on your big girl panties and just handle it. You have to look out for yourself.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Now he's saying how he's upset because he was looking forward to coming for dinner, maybe watching a movie and just hanging out. And he's a little upset that I made plans for studying on his birthday (because I can control when a professor plans a test??) Now it's all about how *he's* upset. Grrrrrrrr


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

But you did not invite him to dinner and to spend the night, right? So this is something that he fabricated.

You told him days ago when you would be available to spend time with him today. He blew that off.

It he is acting like a little boy throwing a fit. And it's a fit over a problem that he caused by not coming around earlier when you told him you were around.

It sounds like he is trying to emphasize that you are not available to him 24/7. He is doing this by not being with you when you have free time. Then he throws a fit when you are busy.. like studying for an exam. 

This reminds me of my son when he was about 2/3 years old. Every time I was on the phone, he'd come in the room and start making noises. He'd say loud enough for me and the person the phone to hear that he wanted me to get off the phone, etc. He'd ever start going on saying that I never play with him and ignore him. Then as soon as I hung up, he'd leave the room and go back to playing.

Of course it is not true that I never played with him and spend time with him. I spend just about every hour I was not at work with him. He just did not want me to pay attention to anything else.

I did eventually get him to stop this nonsense.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I think he's making up the stuff about coming for dinner and a movie so he can say "see, I was planning on coming. Now it's your fault that I can't." He's sorry he's hurt my feelings. That really bothers him. Again, he's backpedaling now because he knows I'm upset. Says he needs to work on how he expresses himself to me. Frankly I think it's a bunch of bullish*t because he's afraid I'm going to break up with him and he doesn't want to be alone. 

That's what it really boils down to. He doesn't want to be alone but still wants to do things the way he wants. I know he likes me and enjoys spending time with my kids. But he's selfish. 

There are always things that happen that give me pause. Yesterday while we were out, we got stuck in a very long line of cars getting out of a parking garage. We were waiting for quite a while. It was pretty frustrating. He said that he was glad he was with me because I helped keep his temper calmer. That gives me pause. Yeah, it might help right now while things are new, but in a few years when he's comfortable, I don't think it will be the same. I don't think he'll keep his temper in check after some time together. I could be wrong but do I really want to hang around and find out? Not really


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Why don't you tell him "Hey, I'm not upset... I'm studying for a test".


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Spoilt brat syndrome!!!

I can see this one a mile off, he has depression and uses manipulation and controlling techniques to make himself feel better, if you think back to any type of "discussion" you guys have had and then look at how he used your words against you and twisting your sentences and spinning things upside down it is all a game to make him feel in control, trust me on this, his relationship with you actually has almost nothing to do with you, you are just a pawn in his own power struggle in his head.

Listen to us plz, save yourself from this nut job and find a real man who wants to treat you as though you are special for who you are not just use you in a mind game of chess.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,I think he has more than an anger problem.
Life is to short for playing games.Do what you 
say your going to do.

He is a drama queen and flip flops in decisions.If
you still want to try to make this relationship work,
tell him what you won't put up with.

If he really cares about you and wants a relationship,
either way you will have your answer.

The ball is in your court.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

That's what I keep saying to him. He keeps texting now things like he hopes I feel like he's a good boyfriend, he didn't meant to hurt my feelings, it upsets him when he hurts my feelings, etc. The fact is, he knows I'm upset now and is trying to back pedal because he's afraid I'm going to break up. Like I said, I think it's a matter of he's a bit immature and selfish. He's been used to living alone and doing what he wants when he wants. Which I totally understand. 

But seriously, today is his birthday. He's been "joking" all week that he was going to just spend it alone. If that's what he wants, that's fine with me but it's not the kind of relationship I want. I wanted him to stay the day yesterday and spend the night. But that didn't matter yesterday.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Spoilt brat syndrome!!!
> 
> I can see this one a mile off, he has depression and uses manipulation and controlling techniques to make himself feel better, if you think back to any type of "discussion" you guys have had and then look at how he used your words against you and twisting your sentences and spinning things upside down it is all a game to make him feel in control, trust me on this, his relationship with you actually has almost nothing to do with you, you are just a pawn in his own power struggle in his head.
> 
> Listen to us plz, save yourself from this nut job and find a real man who wants to treat you as though you are special for who you are not just use you in a mind game of chess.


I completely agree with this! He comes up with some very plausible excuse that makes me feel like maybe I wasn't really sensing the truth in the situation. But I *know* I am. I'm not a stupid person and am getting very frustrated with the manipulation. It's the way he wants it as far as when he leaves (or I leave his house for that matter) or nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whattodoskidoo said:


> That's what I keep saying to him. He keeps texting now things like he hopes I feel like he's a good boyfriend, he didn't meant to hurt my feelings, it upsets him when he hurts my feelings, etc. The fact is, he knows I'm upset now and is trying to back pedal because he's afraid I'm going to break up. Like I said, I think it's a matter of he's a bit immature and selfish. He's been used to living alone and doing what he wants when he wants. Which I totally understand.
> 
> But seriously, today is his birthday. He's been "joking" all week that he was going to just spend it alone. If that's what he wants, that's fine with me but it's not the kind of relationship I want. I wanted him to stay the day yesterday and spend the night. But that didn't matter yesterday.


The next time he text anything, just reply "I'm studying."

Then stop reading and responding to his texts. If he calls let it go to voice mail. 


If he comes over, tell him that you have to study and to leave.

That's how you handle this and get your studying done.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The next time he text anything, just reply "I'm studying."
> 
> Then stop reading and responding to his texts. If he calls let it go to voice mail.
> 
> ...


Tell him, "what's ticking me off is that I am trying to study for a test and you keep interrupting me.... I have got to study... If you don't quit, I'm turning my phone off."


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

whattodoskidoo said:


> That's what I keep saying to him. He keeps texting now things like he hopes I feel like he's a good boyfriend, he didn't meant to hurt my feelings, it upsets him when he hurts my feelings, etc. The fact is, he knows I'm upset now and is trying to back pedal because he's afraid I'm going to break up. Like I said, I think it's a matter of he's a bit immature and selfish. He's been used to living alone and doing what he wants when he wants. Which I totally understand.
> 
> But seriously, today is his birthday. He's been "joking" all week that he was going to just spend it alone. If that's what he wants, that's fine with me but it's not the kind of relationship I want. I wanted him to stay the day yesterday and spend the night. But that didn't matter yesterday.


You have yourself a man child who has low self esteem and thrives on an unhealthy need for validation. He will never be happy. He will spend the rest of his life playing mind games.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

He's spent the day being oh so very sorry. He's missed me and just wished he had come over this morning, etc etc etc. I've spent the day thinking about things. When we're together, things are great! We have a great time. We get along well. We laugh a lot. But when we're not together, I spend the majority of the time frustrated. Frustrated at his lack of communication. Frustrated at his immature texts. Frustrated at his responses to serious things I try to say which he passes off as me being a "goofy girl" or says I'm getting all worked up (I have an issue with men saying things like that when women are just trying to express thoughts and feelings. We are not a hormonal mess because we don't like the fact that a man won't talk with us or whatever the issue is. - rant over  ) 

So in short, since we don't spend a majority of the time together, *I* spend a majority of the time frustrated!


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