# Should I get divorced?



## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

I don't really know where to begin.. I guess I will try to explain from start to current: I am 29 years old, my husband is 40, and we have been married for 6 years. I am currently feeling like _I got married too young_ and I am missing out on my "20's"

My husband is a great man. When I met him I was instantly attracted to him. He was unlike most of the guys I had dated before (maybe being that he was older and already established?) but he is very intelligent, funny, and an old-fashioned kind of gentlemen. He always holds doors, pays for everything, is extremely charming, and he would do absolutely anything for me... I can't really complain about him too much. _(He has a handful of habits I could do without... He is not tidy whatsoever and can be somewhat of a scatter brain, but in the grand scheme of things, he's wonderful.)_

*So what is going wrong?* Well, I would say for the first 2 years of our marriage were the happiest... And then things slowly began to change when we tried to plan for a child. I found out I was unable to conceive. And not only me, but the two of us have our own fertility issues and it is just not a possibility. _(I am going to spare the details about that subject, it is more just a start to a decline, not really a main reason.)_ We both agreed that with or without children we are still a happy family. Shortly after, my husband went into business for himself which brought on a lot more responsibility, stress, and time.

We sort of began spending less and less quality time together and would just catch each other at the end of a long day... We have a routine. I maintain the home (cook, clean, laundry, dishes, etc) and he has the "hard job" so he gets to relax when he walks through the door. (I also work a full-time desk job.) Nonetheless, I cook dinner each night, we sit and eat together, and as I clean up he will unwind and watch tv. We may have some small talk about how our day went and shortly after he is in bed. (In bed by 8pm each night.) This _routine_ has gone on for the past 4 years. 

I have brought it to his attention a handful of times that I'd like to spend more time together doing activities, whether they're outdoor things or date nights, but something more than just our routine... He has acknowledged it and maybe taken me out to dinner once a month to _keep me happy_, but it just doesn't feel like it used to. I am not enjoying my relationship. It feels stale. We also do not have any intimacy... I have tried to initiate sex many times and he is always "too tired" because he works so hard. It just gets old to hear and eventually our marriage became completely sexless. We haven't had any type of sexual contact in 2 years. _(He doesn't even kiss me!)_

Naturally, I began to get bored and frustrated. I have suggested marriage counseling, but because time is always an issue, he has not taken the request seriously and has not set aside the time to go. I asked him for a separation in May, and we began living separately for one month, but because of financial reasons (mainly me not being able to afford life without him) he moved back in and we've since tried other approaches... Our newest attempt is having open communication. I am constantly expressing how I feel and letting him know that I am not feeling as though my needs are being met, but he doesn't communicate much back. He is very happy and content. He loves routine! He doesn't feel as though our relationship is lacking anything at all.

Well, now I am at the point of really missing my freedom. Our friends are completely different age groups so we do not do much together. When I go out with my friends we go out dancing, go to concerts, and amusement parks... My husband likes to sit around, watch sports - the usual. I want him to join me in some of these events and he refuses. He calls it "girl time" and has no interest. He tells me that he's _been there, done that_ and wants me to go have a good time. It just frustrates me... I feel like we don't have a closeness like I always pictured a marriage would be. We couldn't be more different and as I *grow* I am learning that he has already grown. We aren't growing together... He is very content and I am feeling stuck.

If a divorce is the right thing to do... I feel as though I will never be able to afford the cost of living by myself. I will need to find another full-time job to make up for the pay difference. Any advice on how to survive life alone? Any advice on how to bring us more together in my marriage? I'm sure I am missing things in the story... Please ask questions.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe some marriage counseling? He needs to recognize that there is a problem. Until he does things will not change. The lack of intimacy would be a huge issue for me too


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

fall222 said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe some marriage counseling? He needs to recognize that there is a problem. Until he does things will not change. The lack of intimacy would be a huge issue for me too




I really wish he was taking marriage counseling more serious. It is hard for him to want to go because he is genuinely happy... And even though I'm not, he thinks by him not working every other Saturday and spending more time _(at home) _with me is plenty of an effort.

When we began our new open communication approach, he says we communicate fine and do not need a third party for any suggestions. (Irritating.) And what bothers me the most is that he doesn't consider why I want it. In his mind, I think he just assumes I am just as happy as he is? Even though I try to tell him that I'm not.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

One needs confidence in being self-relient to help in feeling good about where they are in life.. you have no children and time to go to school if you are not already with a professional certification or degree, either of what you would need to have a job that would place you in financial security no matter what path you take.

You mentioned wanting a family so children are something you had seen in your life... have you thought about a degree in K-12 education?

The things that drive us, enlighten us, fill our spirit are the things that make a difference and thus allow us to make a difference... do you feel it doing what you currently are?

When you start fulfilling yourself, you will see your relationship differently... right now you are going with the flow, perhaps it's time to create your own current?


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> One needs confidence in being self-relient to help in feeling good about where they are in life.. you have no children and time to go to school if you are not already with a professional certification or degree, either of what you would need to have a job that would place you in financial security no matter what path you take.
> 
> You mentioned wanting a family so children are something you had seen in your life... have you thought about a degree in K-12 education?
> 
> ...



I actually did begin to pursue school... Surprisingly my husband wasn't very fond of the idea. He makes _plenty_ of money and seems bothered by my sudden interest in changing what I'm doing. (I'm not going to lie, I am taking the necessary steps to also get my ducks in a row in the event our marriage doesn't last, I do want to know I can rely on myself.) But regardless of our marriage, anything _new_ I do, he seems to have a negative vibe about. It could be due to the separation, knowing how I feel, and maybe he is somewhat threatened that I won't _need_ him.

I think you're right. I would love to focus on creating my own current.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No sex for two years? Get out now while your still young and in your prime.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He may be happy living as a roommate, but a happily married couple you two are not! 

Get out while the getting is good!*


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Can you think of a reason not to pursue it again? Love encourages growth, not hiders it. 

He may be uncertain about your new ventures... if you separated once before and came back for financial reasons, then nothing has really changed. Let him know you are going to go to counseling on your own and for every reason you've listed here... but the most important one is you thirst for growth.

Your age difference is going to play in your challenge as well... there is 10 years difference in my wife and I. Like you, I'm the junior in the relationship and my tastes in things can often place a wee bit of tension into the relationship like the things you mentioned. Routine has to be for both, or none... sadly it isn't going to be suddenly adjusted on his end if routine is what he likes. Outside of business, are there things that are more mild, less wild you would enjoy together? I am the bit more adventuresome of the two of us, but tone it down to make it work until I don't need to, then it's falling from the sky and other things I need to move my spirit, remembering moderation and respecting her time for our togetherness and my limitations of mid-50's changes.

Together in motion is the key... no couches allowed because togetherness in motion builds emotional intimacy, which is rewarding and fun, but that leads to the physical intimacy which is even more fun and bonding to boot!

What moves him? More importantly, what moves you?

I would be ok with some negative vibes... at least you know he is paying attention although remember, you control your life. 

As you do start class, remember that his comfort level is going to be based on how you interact with those around you. The more comfortable he is, the better your studies will be as you will have less distractions from disagreements. I'll bet his lack of fondness is because you are a married woman in class, respect yourself and hold your values as married high on your list of self-love... the last thing you need are complications from somebody trying to give you the wrong attention, work your healthy boundaries.

Be mindful, meditation is a kick for finding that inner calm, stretch the mind and body... if he feels threatened by your growth, he had better pay attention and learn quickly least he fall too far behind you.

Live well with purpose...


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