# Stay or Go? Can it be fixed?



## StayorGoA (Feb 18, 2015)

To anyone who saw this in Sex in Marriage, I apologize, but, I thought I might be able to find additional help in this forum.

I need help. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, we have a beautiful 6 year old son, and seemingly the perfect life (to outsiders).
But, about 3 years into our marriage, something changed. I can't place it specifically, but I know it happened around the time I went back to school for a second degree. I was working full time, taking care of a household and baby, and going to school at night. Now, I have been clinically depressed for years, but have been on treatment since first diagnosis as well as going through multiple bouts of therapy. But, I was extremely stressed out and had a few breakthrough depressive symptoms here and there. H didn't handle this well at all. He would give me the silent treatment when I would tell him I was just sad and stressed and there was nothing he could do to fix it, or he would yell and ask me if I had gone off my meds. No matter how he reacted, it wasn't lovingly. I began to have no interest in sex, but would do it anyway because if I didn't he would pout and make me feel almost worthless. Months turned into years. I asked for counseling, to which he said he would go, but he never would follow through on it. Turns out, that was like several other things in our marriage...it took 3 years for him to put on the weatherproofing on windows and doors after buying it. The only thing he really gave effort and interest to was work. We could be on a date on a Saturday night, he'd get an email from a customer and it couldn't even wait until I was driving us home. He had to answer right away. Same story years later and we have "survived" one 6 month separation. I left and came home. Long story. But, I am right back where I was before I left the first time. We're roommates. I have no desire to have sex with him. Actually, he makes my skin crawl. I am disgusted by his kiss and his touch. I want out so badly, but my child was placed in the middle last time, and I don't want that to happen again. But, how do you overcome the fact that your husband makes you nauseous when he touches you? Are we too far gone?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

StayorGoA;11853825 Are we too far gone?[/QUOTE said:


> Of course you are. He disgusts you and plans to do nothing about it?
> 
> Just leave.
> 
> NEXT!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You already have your degree. Get a job and file for a divorce. You cannot stand for him to touch you. A healthy marriage includes sex. You need to let your husband go and find yourself a life. Do not use your child as an excuse. You are staying in the marriage for financial reasons only. This is not a good life for you, your child, and husband.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds too far gone but it can be salvageable if both parties genuinely want it. I will never leave my husband until I know I have tried every avenue to make a marriage work.


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## StayorGoA (Feb 18, 2015)

Every avenue...This is one of the reasons I came back after leaving the first time. Now I feel like I have tried. We have been back together for 16 months, and no counseling yet, which was a condition of me coming home. However, after talking with him last night, and telling him EVERYTHING I have been feeling, he told me that he had contacted a counselor and we just needed to set up an appointment that would work for both of us. But, he also said that if MC didn't work, that he wouldn't fight a divorce this time.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

Hi there, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Your words regarding your husbands touch sound like they came directly out of my own head. I have been struggling with these feelings for years, so I know how awful it is. 

Can it be fixed? I don't know. No one, not even a therapist will be able to tell you that. All you can do is go through the work of trying. You are either wired so you can overcome such an enormous breach of trust, or you are not. It does not reflect on you as a person either way.

There are many ways trust can be broken in a relationship, yours (and mine) was broken on the absolute most basic level.



> I was working full time, taking care of a household and baby, and going to school at night. Now, I have been clinically depressed for years, but have been on treatment since first diagnosis as well as going through multiple bouts of therapy. But, I was extremely stressed out and had a few breakthrough depressive symptoms here and there. H didn't handle this well at all. He would give me the silent treatment when I would tell him I was just sad and stressed and there was nothing he could do to fix it, or he would yell and ask me if I had gone off my meds. No matter how he reacted, it wasn't lovingly.


I was working a new job, taking care of four kids - with the youngest being very ill for three years, and taking care of the household and all the cooking etc. The stress and exhaustion did not lead me to depression, my body reacted differently. I was constantly sick for 3 years....I just rotated.....sinus infections, throat infections, bladder infections, ear infections, pneumonia, every virus that floated by me made me sick. It is irrelevant how our bodies reacted, but very telling in how our husbands reacted.

The very first relationship we have in life is based on someone responding to our suffering. Our hunger, our pain, our sadness. Whether it is a mother, father, or both, this response is so important that our brains will not wire properly without it. It is trust at the absolute most basic level. 

How did your husband respond to your suffering? Mine ignored mine, never offered a helping hand (with his own children, his own responsibilities), if I insisted that he help out in any way at all I "owed" him, and he responded in anger when my suffering interfered with his good times and needs. Sound familiar? He left you in the ditch....didn't he? 

If you got into a horrible car accident, how does that play out in your head? Do you see yourself in a bed, in a room, alone, neglected, suffering while your husband continues to work and go about his life, or do you picture a loving husband providing you care and compassion even though you are incapable of doing anything in return? 

If you visualize the first scenario, your trust in your husband to provide basic compassion and human decency is broken. Again, this is trust at its' most basic level. That is why you are repulsed by him.

Can he change? Even if he does, will you ever be able to actually trust him again? Can you get to scenario two in your head? There is really no way to know that.

You seem willing to try. Counselling, time, and changed behaviours on your husbands part are really the only way you can even explore whether you can get over this. 

I have not had much luck to date. We have spent a lot of time working on my husbands temper, and have not really worked on trying to fix the trust issue. All you can do is try, and don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out. You cannot force your mind to trust, it either will or it won't.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Push the counseling. No surprise at all that he said he had contacted a counselor (this may or may not be the truth by the way, it seems likely to me that maybe he did contact a counselor, but it was a LONG time ago), but you need to set some fair deadlines for him. How long should it take to SET an appointment? Just give him several long stretches of time in the week that you are free, and ask him to use that to find a good appointment time between his and the counselor's schedule, and give him only a day or so to get that done. It doesn't take more than a couple minutes on the phone to arrange, so there is no excuse. (Well, unless the counselor or practice is on vacation or something, in which case he needs to have that excuse and prove that he did try to set it up)

I'm certainly not blaming any of this on you, but it sounds like you haven't been very good about holding him to his promises either. I think a lot of people have a tendency to start projects and then struggle to finish them, especially if they don't feel any pressure towards doing so. If a task is anticipated to be unpleasant, then it's not uncommon at all for someone to put it off for a long time unless they feel that pressure. If your husband promised that you both would attend marriage counseling, but then then you didn't make sure he set it up or the marriage started to improve slightly on it's own, I could imagine someone in his position starting to think that maybe the counseling isn't needed anymore, or that you aren't going to insist on it anymore. I don't think any of this makes him a bad person, or even a bad husband necessarily. Some people just need that bit of pressure to get things moving.

Now if you have been applying that pressure and he's been outright resisting or refusing, repeatedly, with or without anger, then that's a totally different situation. If he says he'll commit to counseling with you, then later on outright refuses to do so, I'd say the only response available is to leave again because he clearly didn't get the picture the first time.

So for now I would just suggest that you hold him to what he has committed to. When he tells you he is going to do something, ask him for the day/time it will be done so that he knows he is committed and can't back out without a darn good excuse. He might get annoyed if that happens a few times, but you'll be able to defend it by pointing out that he's burned you on that sort of thing before.


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