# Am I over reacting?



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Sorry for the book.....I just found this site and realize there are many like me.

One year ago I was recovering from a major surgery and during this time my fiance started talking to a woman he had an affair with years prior with his ex wife. This woman was the cause of some arguments he and I had early on in our relationship, we have been together for 8 years. I obviously did not know about these conversations because he kept them SECRET.

I had absolutely NO trust issues, I am not a jealous person so I had no reason to check the cell logs until a couple moths later one of our bills escalated so high I had to see what was happening. I noticed this same number consistently showing up and it was due to this particular number we went over our minutes. This number was outgoing and incoming every day, numerous times a day, all times of the day. As I continued to check prior bills, again, this same number showed up over and over for 3 months.

Curiosity got the best of me by now so I called it, blocking my number of course; a female answered, I hung up. I decided to call my fiance and tell him the cell bill was very high and when I looked at it I noticed the same number over and over and I when I called it a female answered and asked him who it was. He told me, said her name and while the name was coming out of his mouth, I had this horrible feeling that hit my head, stomach and heart, the kind of feeling that sucks the wind right out of you as I am sure some of you know. 

Immediately proceeding her name, he said she was dying of a terminal cancer and had 6 mo. to 1 year to live. Remembering everything I went with 8 years prior with this woman, I said I don't care if she is dying and I hung up. That sounds horrible, I know but she is a known liar, this is common knowledge to those who know her. (She was lying!)

I couldn't work, I couldn't focus, I went home. I logged back on to the cell log and looked at each date and time of their calls, there were so many. This started 2 weeks after my surgery so while I was in nasty pain and trying to recover from that, he was chatting it up with this broad all day long. Even on my birthday, while we were at dinner, she called, I didn't know it at the time. NICE! So moving forward, when he got home from work that day, he acted like nothing was wrong, even though I had a knife sticking out of my heart. Things went from bad to worse, turned it all around on me saying they "ARE JUST FRIENDS" AND SHE WAS DYING AND HE WAS MAKING A MENDS. Really? This went on and on for hours and so many things were said. He swore he wouldn't talk to her anymore etc etc. and told her that the next day.

I looked every day at the cell log for months and we never mentioned her again. He never called and our relationship went on, actually stronger than ever. I didn't look at the cell log anymore.

This past fall I happen to check, just because. I noticed that there was numerous incoming and outgoing calls to an out of state cell that happen to be our friends sister who just moved into town. NO BIG DEAL. I didn't care. This is definitely something I had no worries about, or so I thought.

Every week I would take a peek and still the same number, more frequently now. I did NOT say anything, I wanted to watch for awhile. The calls and text happened only when I wasn't around.

Around Christmas, it stopped. Ok, see, no worries- it's just me being silly. It's really hard to forget once this happens to you.

Well in January the calls started back up, even more frequent now. I still didn't say anything. Well just last week I had a few drinks and as much as I didn't want to say anything, it came out! I screamed, yelled and had a complete meltdown. He pretty much said I am crazy and there is nothing to worry about, "THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS" Why is it that if they are just friends, it has to be kept a secret? I really don't mind if he corresponds with females but SECRETLY?

He denies everything and has turned this around on me. When I ask what they can possibly talk about that much, he says she has family issues. She is not married, has an adult child and lives with her sister, how many family issues could she possibly have?! I don't buy it for a minute.

I work full time and go to college and it happens that all calls happen when I am at work or as SOON as I leave for school.

I am heartbroken! I just felt like there was something emotional going on. I am 15 years his junior, I am still in my 30's. I have a hard time saying this because my self esteem is GONE, but I am attractive, much more so than EITHER of these women who he felt a need to be such a good friend to.

BTW, the other woman, she doesn't have cancer so he lied to me.

Even though I don't see any calls on the cell log, I feel maybe he would buy a prepaid cell, that way I will never know. I don't know what is wrong with me. I do everything for this man. I am attentive, am his buddy, his partner, we have a good sex life. I am so broken.

He tells me that he just wants to get past this and refuses to talk about it anymore, but I am having a hard time with it.

Does anyone have any advice? Am I just being paranoid?

Thank you for listening.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Something sounds off.

If they were "just friends" he shouldn't have to hide it from you.
You are talking about tons of texts/calls back and forth over a 3 months period.

And the worst part is it's the same person he cheated on his ex-wife with.

I would say you aren't being paranoid. But you need solid proof. Can you get some?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

No, you are not overreacting. You are not being paranoid. They are not "just friends." Those are apparently very common tactics. My wife told me the same things. Add "You're just jealous and insecure." "You just don't want me to be friends with a man (woman, in your case)." "You wouldn't mind if it was a member of the same sex." 

Yes, a prepaid phone is likely. My wife snuck out and bought one after I found her calls to the OM. If not for this site and the advice, I wouldn't have been watching for it. I found it the very night she bought it. She has now changed her password and hidden the phone, so I can't check the calls. 

You are most likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg. There is much more you don't see.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It is a very painful place to be. I am glad for you that you found this site. Here, you will find support and advice from those of us who are or have been in your situation.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks for the reply's. 

I do feel there is much more than I know but I don't have anything else to go on. I really had all intentions of holding out on this one to see if I could get more information but like I said, darn alcohol got me talking. I was so mad at myself because that just opened the door for him to be more discrete. 

It does me no good to check his cell phone because he clears the call and text log, or at least her number. He told me that night I "was creeping on his cell phone" I went from someone that never had any doubts to not trusting what he says. It hurt last time and it hurt this time. I know there will be another time and I swear, 3 strikes and your out! I am not going to put myself through those feelings again, this sucks!

I don't have any other way of checking. I know he would not use the computer to talk to her.

I did get the

"Your insecure"<-- NO I AM NOT,

"I will never TALK to another female again"<-- THAT'S RIDICULOUS!,

"We're just friends"<-- OF COURSE YOU ARE, 

"She was having family issues"<--WHAT WOULD YOU CALL WHAT WE ARE NOW HAVING?? OK and when did he become a therapist?? 

I am just so glad I found this site. I am sorry that so many people, male and female go through this, I really had no idea. 

Thank you!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

FYI use paragraphs. I can't read long linear blocks of text.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Again71 said:


> Thanks for the reply's.
> I do feel there is much more than I know but I don't have anything else to go on. /QUOTE]
> 
> i would bet on that.
> ...


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Still trying to get past this. I am much more aware now.

I found it amusing that he got upset with me over the weekend- we went out with some friends to dinner then went to a local bar that a entertainer was performing at that we have seen on numerous occasions.

After a few drinks or so, we all got up to dance except my H, no problem with that, he doesn't usually dance. This entertainer came over to me and just friendly conversation between us about him not seeing us in awhile, how have we been etc, etc. It was loud, everyone dancing, not bumping and grinding or anything like that just dancing. I looked over at my H, he was sitting sideways in the chair with a crappy look on his face...

I went to him, (like I had been all night, so it's not like he was left by himself) I asked him what was wrong and he said he was p***ed off. I asked why. He said that the entertainer was too close to me and he put his hand on me.

Well, it was loud, everyone was dancing, my female neighbor was right next to me, so when its loud, you have to lean in a bit to hear what the other person is saying. At no time do I recall this man touching me!

We left, got home, he argued with me how he was touching me. He would not hear what I had to say- went downstairs on the couch to sleep.

Nothing has been said since!

I find it quite comical that he got mad because he thought another man was paying me attention, if that's what you want to call it. It was only innocent conversation.

I would NEVER cross the line with anyone! I would NEVER make someone feel the way he made me feel while he was chatting it up and having an EA with 2 different females in a years time.

Is that common behavior on his part now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

What he's been doing to you is called "gaslighting"... Each of the statements you posted are notorious "word for word" gaslighting tactics... 

His jealousy is likely guilt based. Again, common.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Things have been going ok, I thought. (I still think he has a prepaid cell phone though).

Maybe my paranoia but for the past week, I think he has been acting differently, kind of distant, not really initiating conversation, guarding his cell phone and sex is diminishing, not gone, but less frequently. 

On Friday evening I got ready to go tanning, he was on the phone with his friend, he went upstairs and I clearly heard him say, " Let me ask you a question? Hang on a second, I don't know where she's at." Well, that grabbed my attention so I quietly started walking up stairs and his voice was fading because he was walking further into the upstairs. I was not able to hear anything else at that time. As I got to the top of the stairs, he said he had to go and I immediately walked in. The look on his face was priceless!! I asked him if he has a problem with me, he said, "No" in a low, oh s*** she heard me tone. I turned and walked back down the stairs without another word said.

Later when I got home, he wouldn't look at me or talk to me.

I would give anything to know what he said! He has no idea that I don't know what was said or if I heard everything. I would rather him think I heard everything so I am not going to let him know any differently.

Backing up a couple days prior to that, we went to the store and while driving, there was work being done on the highway and the walls are down...lone and behold, the first EA's house was visible from the highway. He turned his head quickly to look as we passed her house. Did the same thing on the return trip home. 

I have been thinking that he is still in contact with EA #2 but I may be wayyyy off base, it may be EA #1 which I believe was a PA but he will never admit that! The pattern of the signs are returning.

So as I sit here, I have that, "I just went down a roller coaster" feeling in my stomach, anxiety and I wish I could feel more confident. I can't ask him anything or talk about the past because he always says, "Can't we just get past this?" Then that's it.

Never have I ever been so insecure about anything! 

Thanks for reading, I just felt like someone can shed some light and give me their opinion.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Why are you putting up with this.

I would have left him.

However you are still there so why not tell him he's either 100% in and completely transparent, needs to go to IC and MC or you are leaving?

I would say that and mean it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah it must be a generational thing. I'm I guess a bit older than most of you. Not saying my situation is ideal or even good. But all this head game nonsense....I'm too old to pretend about it. Roses are Red/Violets are Blue/You're a ****ing beotch/So screw you.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

And I forgot to add...I am going to Myrtle Beach for a week with my sister in 19 days. How am I going to enjoy myself when I am having this anxiety now and uncertain of what is going on?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Again71 said:


> On Friday evening I got ready to go tanning, he was on the phone with his friend, he went upstairs and I clearly heard him say, " Let me ask you a question? Hang on a second, I don't know where she's at." Well, that grabbed my attention so I quietly started walking up stairs and his voice was fading because he was walking further into the upstairs. I was not able to hear anything else at that time. As I got to the top of the stairs, he said he had to go and I immediately walked in. The look on his face was priceless!! I asked him if he has a problem with me, he said, "No" in a low, oh s*** she heard me tone.


Sometimes we want things to be more complicated than they are when really they are just simple. It sounds like he is cheating on you. Why are they in touch after she played a part in helping destroy his first marriage along with him? The answer to that question doesn't really matter since at the end of the day: they are in fact, still in touch and it's inappropriate.

You have got to get the proof, Again.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sometimes we want things to be more complicated than they are when really they are just simple. It sounds like he is cheating on you. Why are they in touch after she played a part in helping destroy his first marriage along with him? The answer to that question doesn't really matter since at the end of the day: they are in fact, still in touch and it's inappropriate.
> 
> You have got to get the proof, Again.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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