# after the affair



## DTA (May 28, 2008)

This is only a few facts after the affair. Some things that happen during the affair was very telling for her true feelings for the other man. I could write probably 3 or 4 pages about things that happen during the affair!

We have been married for 14 years. Recently, i discovered my wife was having an affair. I confronted her and of course she denied it at first. I kept watching and digging and finally got rock solid proof while the affair was still going on and she finally admitted it. At first, she was very sorry and said all the right things to keep me around. I was very angry and hurt, but I stayed around for our son. I then found out they were still talking and actually planning on leaving until I caught them again. 

We agreed to work on our marrige started marrige counsling and try to move forward until a couple of weeks ago she became very distant again. She says now, the feelings for the other man have resurfaced and she is very confused. she says her feelings for this man is not why she is very distant now, but the reason is that she is very confused at herself and why she did this. She says she has to figure out why she did this before she can continue to work on us. 

I understand she needs to figure herself out, but i can't understand why she has became very distant again if that is the true reason. Why did she want to work on our relationship at first then it just stop? She does not even want to sleep in the same room with me, does not want me to call her at work or even just try and meet her for lunch.

She says nothing is going on between them and I have to admit, if they do have any contact it would be pretty hard because I know pretty much where she is at all times. she just goes to work and back home. The only problem with that is the affair happened during work hours. I'm just very confused with her feelings coming back for this man and it's almost like she has just kicked me to the curve again. The affair was short lived i believe, it was only 3 months. Could she become this attached and in love with this person in that short of time? We have been together 16 years and she is this confused after only 3 months. I can't figure this out. I have been torn apart and put back together so many times in the last month or so and then this comes out. 

I don't know if i can give anymore. I feel like i have gave her several chances to commit back to me and her family. I feel like I have worked my butt off trying to deal, accept and cope with what happen. When do I say enough is enough? I understand she needs time to figure herself out. I just don't know why she has to distance herself from me after telling me her feelings for him have come back with no contact with him.

Help! I'm losing my mind! emotional roller coaster at it's finest.

Thanks...............


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Only you can decide when enough is enough.

What she is feeling is quite natural. Do you remember when you first "Fell in love"? Your body released chemicals to enable this feeling for about nine months so the time frame might be right on. Like your love for children I don't see where you can't "love" two or more, however every bit that you give comes from somewheres and often any affair including just an emotional one takes from a marriage because of the time and investment invovled.

She needs to make a decision of what she wants and it might mean that she needs to prove she is dedicate to the marriage.

I wish you the best.

draconis


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What are the benefits to you, for staying in this relationship?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Deejo said:


> What are the benefits to you, for staying in this relationship?


I would assume their child and all the time invested in the relationship.

draconis


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## DTA (May 28, 2008)

Deejo said:


> What are the benefits to you, for staying in this relationship?


Well, i do still love her. We had great times together, before this happened ( atleast i thought so) we hardly ever fight or get into arguments. Of course I do not want to break up my son's family, but that is not the only reason i wanted to work on it. I have just enjoyed our time together as a whole. After this first happened, i had a ton of emotions from leaving to just plan hurt. Then she started helping me by doing the things i guess i needed to try and get over this. she set up the marrige counlsor and went the first time by herself and then i joined. 

For her to be in the place she is now with her feelings for the other man and being so confused by the situation, my question is will she ever be able to forget him and commit back to her family 100%. I'm worried, that she will not be able to forget him and second guess us staying together. I feel if that is the case will it even be worth the time and effort it will take to get through this. I am the kind of person, if she still has these strong of feelings for this man and might always, i would rather see her go be happy in life than for us to drag this out and accomplish nothing

Thanks again..............


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

That she bounced back and forth is a given as she is truly confused. Some of that confusion may have come from the fact that now that she has ended it with him she has come to realize just how strong her feelings are for him. It might be unexpected. What she did was wrong plain and simple but for you to repair the marriage you must both understand why she did it. She must talk with you about what may be wrong in the relationship that tempted her in this way. That she has distanced herself I believe is normal for this kind of situation. She can’t face you, she’s confused and doesn’t understand her feelings for you or TOM. There is a lot for work her for both of you but with time and effort things can get better. She must keep up the no contact with TOM. That is critical but don’t be surprised if she stubs her toe. If the two of you want to move forward seek counsel to help you with this. This will take time so prepare ourself. Read my mantra below, those words really can help. Bless


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

DTA ~ Like any relationship ended prematurely she will still have feelings for this other man and may mourn losing him for some time. Do not take that as this marriage can get going on the right track. She nor you will ever forget "him" however you can move on and heal the rift in the marriage.

Counciling is a big step. Communication and talking better is another. Once the two of you really learn to connect through communication and learn what is going on in your hearts, souls and minds I think forgiving, healing, and growing together will follow.

draconis


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

My advice, she needs a different job since this happened at work. She also needs a new cell number.

Benefits, vacation, anything else is secondary. This happened at work... he is at work... put two plus two together. He will always be a temptation.


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## DTA (May 28, 2008)

I have been out of town for several days.....We decided to go out of town to just get away and spend some family time together. I'm still at the same place i was when we left, confused, angry and just hollow inside. She tells me she wants this to work out and she is not thinking about the TOM, but can not give me anything. We have had plenty of opportunity to just sit around as adults and just talk and be by ourselves, but everytime she just wants to go to bed and not be alone with me. I don't know how to take that, I understand she might have to work out her head, but if we are going to work this out, should i not be involved in helping the matter?

It pains me so bad for her to tell me she wants to fix this and then not want to involve me in anyway at the moment.

I realize she may still have feeling for TOM, but i'm starting to think she is still talking to him and trying to figure a way out of our relationship without causing to much pain. I say this because from day one, she has always been negative about the situation, when we would talk about it, at the end she would always bring up divorce or a seperation. She can't understand my trust in her is totally broken at the moment and gets very mad and defensive when i question something. I'm losing my mind trying to figure out where she is with her feelings for anybody, not just me, because she will not talk about anything with me. If i do manage to get her to speak of the situation, all her answers are "i don't know", "I don't know what's wrong with me". I just can't feel good about this, we have been together to long for a 3 month affair to confuse her this bad. I feel like, with all i have said and done to show her how much i love her and are willing to try to work this out and she is still this confused about the situation, then i can not compete with her feelings for TOM. We are going on about 7 to 8 months post affair

We were going to a marriage counslor, then i realized how confused she was and said i would step out so she could have one on one help and then i could step back in at some point. Now, she says she dosen't think it is helping so she isn't going back.

This is my first time on any forums like this. If it is possiable I would like to talk to someone more privately, through email or something, because there is a ton more to the story i would rather not post on a public forum!!!!!! 

Russell........She does not work with TOM, they would meet during work hours

Thanks again...........


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You can privately message any member from the members section at the upper right. Good luck.


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

I suspect that she has resumed contact (NC) with the OM. Keep in mind that NC can be broken via phone calls, email, text messaging, IM (instant messaging), etc. and you would be none the wiser. If this has happened, it could explain why she is once more emotionally distant from you. Every time NC (no contact) is broken, it takes the recovery back to square one and makes the unfaithful spouse go through withdrawal once more. It might be a good idea to do some more digging to find if this is the case.


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## DTA (May 28, 2008)

Boy, how confused am i now! Well turns out all my fears were true. I found out today they are still talking and have been for about 3 weeks. Again, I did not get mad and start shouting, i just told her i expected that they would have some contact and this was not a deal breaker yet, if she could tell me she still has something for me and our family. Again, she had nothing to say execpt for she was confused and need time alone and pack her bags and left. Oddly enough, he left his wife and family today also. She told me she was not leaving for him and he told his wife he was not leaving for her. How stupid can they think we are? After i told her, that this was not a deal breaker (that they were talking) and she still insisted on leaving and i found out he had left to, i told her if she does leave with as hard as ive been trying to deal with this, then don't come back. Guess what, she left. I guess our family could not compete with 3 months!!!!!!
I truely don't understand how someone could be so cold and heartless. Live and learn..............

Thanks.........


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

DTA,

Your wife obviously does not appreciate what she is throwing away. Nevertheless she has made her choice and you have to accept it. Now it is your turn to make some hard choices of your own.

I suggest that you seriously consider filing for divorce immediately or at least preparing yourself by seeking legal counsel so that if either one of you files for divorce, you won't be caught off guard and unprepared. You also may want to go to DivorceNet - Divorce Net: Family Law Information, Solutions, News and Community to check out the divorce laws in your State.

It is not easy but you must start making peace with the very real possibility that your marriage has ended.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

DTA - as I was reading all your previous posts, up until the last one, I thought it might work out for you. You definitely were in it for the right reasons & giving it your best shot. Despite risking being hurt again, but I can see where you are coming from. YOu had been married ( 16 yrs?? ) that is a long time & of course, you were not willing to just give up without a fight. I admire you for that - and it should give you some peace to know that you did what you could do to try to save the marriage. YOu can't have any regrets - once you were informed of your wife's discontent - you shifted into gear to try to make it right. If you had not, I don't think you could have that "peace" - you would always wonder - what if I hadn't given her a 2nd chance, what is I hadn't tried counseling, etc. But you did all you could do & unfortunately, it wasn't good enough for your wife.
If she had only been with the other man for 3 months & is willing to throw away her marriage that quick - she will be in for a BIG surprise when the "honeymoon phase" wears off with the other guy. She obviously isn't thinking very clearly - but if that is her choice, then as someone else posted. Then as hard as it is going to be for you to accept that - that is her choice & you need to switch gears & prepare to live a life without her. 
Seek individual counseling to help deal with the emontional blow, seek legal counsel to protect yourself & know your rights, seek out a friend or family member for moral support. It is going to be tough for you but in the end it work out for you.
Just think - you won't be living a "lie" while your wife is off with someone else. You can re-discover you & what you like to do. 
Then in time, one day, you can meet someone else to share your life with that will respect you & make you happier that you ever imagined. 
I know it is hard to even think ahead til the next day at this point, but you will make it through this. You will learn from this relationship & take that with you in the future. 
Good luck & let us know if you we can assist you further.


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## DTA (May 28, 2008)

Hello, I just wanted to thank everyone for their help and support during these hard times. I think i grew a great deal during this ordeal, and alot of the reason was due to the advice i recieved from this forum. 

I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole thing! My wife and i had been together along time and never really had any huge problems from what i can see. 

I think i know her after after 14 years. She has always been the kind of person who would not miss one second with our child. Always, would do or not do things just to be with him! At the very least i can not believe how she could deciede to make her life with our child a joint custody thing. From day one, she could not tell me what went wrong. Even today, when she dropped off our child, I ask her to look me int the eye and tell me one reason she was unhappy, she could not give me one reason! All of this has happened, and she can not tell me one thing to justify it. I even gave one last ditch effort today and she said "yes" you are making some good points and it is something to think about. Our son wanted to call her about a hour after she left and when they were through, i got on the phone and ask if she had thought about the things we talked about and since she was with TOM, her attitude changed 100%
Also, from day one, while face to face she has always agreed with me or said she wanted this to work out, but when she is away from me it is always a different story. 

I just really do not think she understands what she is giving up. 
In fact i know she does not, giving her past emotional attachment to our child. 

I realize, there is nothing i can do to change her mind and i don't think i was trying to, but i just want to know she realizes what she is giving up! This just totally has me torn to no end. I could deal with this if there was a known reason, but i have nothing either from me or her. 

She left friday and already our child has laid his head in 3 different beds. This just has me beside my self. I never wanted our child to grow up this way and she has always been the same way. How could she be so cold to do this and not give me or my son a reason. I ask her today, if she could look at me or our son and say she did everything possible to make this work. She could not answer that question either. 

I am pretty sure she is caught up in this fantasy world and when reality hits she will be in a downward spiral. By talking to tom's wife,( i would talk to him, but he will not answer one call from me) i have proved to her he is lying to her already, but she just says we are trying to make them mad at each other...shes just so blinded she can't see straight. 

As i told her today i can leave this relationship with my head high in the air. I will not have to dodge anybody, because i dont want to explain anything. I can say i busted my butt to keep our family together and move on. I can look at our child one day and tell him i did everything possible to keep us together.....she can't. How will she be able to teach or son to stand up face your mistakes and always do the right thing? she could not! I have to feel this way because there was no reasons giving to me for this to happen.

If there is anybody out there with opinion's on how relationships that start off after an affair actually turn out, i would like to hear them. I feel that it is doomed from the start because it is built off lies and deciet. How will they be able to trust each other? Will they not always wonder what the other is doing?

Thanks again..........


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe she didn't leave for a reason other then she felt the grass might be greener on the other side.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

DTA said:


> I am pretty sure she is caught up in this fantasy world and when reality hits she will be in a downward spiral.


Based on what you say she is normally like, being very attentive to your son, it sure does sound like she's in a cloud with TOM. I would guess she's having thoughts that what she is doing is not in the best interest of your son but choosing to ignore those and eventually she will struggle with the choices she is making at the moment.

I guess you will need to think about what you will do if/when that happens.


DTA said:


> If there is anybody out there with opinion's on how relationships that start off after an affair actually turn out, i would like to hear them. I feel that it is doomed from the start because it is built off lies and deciet. How will they be able to trust each other? Will they not always wonder what the other is doing?


These are valid points, and many marriages do not survive because it's impossible for the betrayed party to regain trust. However, some marriages actually end up stronger as a result. 

If the affair is completely over and your wife ends all contact with TOM and wants to work on your marriage (assuming you do as well), in my opinion, there is a lot of work to follow. She must be willing to live very transparent to the point where you don't have to question where she is, what she's doing, who she's talking to etc. Over time, seeing consistent behavior slowly rebuilds trust. She will also need to show true remorse for her behavior and the hurt she caused you. 

The biggest step for the betrayed spouse in my opinion is forgiveness. Knowing you will never forget, but if you can forgive you are able to let go of the burden of carrying so much anger and hurt. 

It really requires both of you wanting the marriage to work and getting to the point (or back to the point) where you feel comfortable talking to each other about what you're feeling. It can take months/years but I think the longer you see your spouse really vested in your marriage and wanting to earn your trust, the easier it is to trust again.

If you pick up where you left off before the affair, then it would be a marriage built on lies, deceit. It really needs to be a starting over and re-building of the marriage after the affair has completely ended, where you work together to build the marriage you both want and work through the setbacks along the way.


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