# It is over



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

I really do not know why I am writing this. I really have no one close to talk to about this, but I could really use some advice and soothing. Here is my original story:

Need Advice

So since then we have been trying to get our act together. At this point it doe snot really matter what we have been doing (not enough, that is for sure). 

Last night she went out to eat with some girls and to see a move (f*cking Magic Mike). I told her afterwards they should come back here and we could have a fire and have a few drinks. She said she would talk to her friends. Well after the move (which ended at 9:10) they went to a bar instead. And then to another bar. Well, it starts to get late so I text her (and she did text a few times) that she needs to get home. She tells me she needs to take her friend to her car. Well, I am a little ashamed to say this, but I had been tracking her via the GPS on her iPhone, so I could see that she had not left the bar area well after close. It closed at one, and she was still there at two. She gets home, all hot and bothered, and wants to have sex. I am a weak man, so we had sex.

Well we finally call it a night around 3, but I am having a hard time falling asleep. I had told myself I would talk to her about my uneasy feelings in the morning. At about five, I could not stay in bed any longer, so I come downstairs. She followed and proceeded to tell me that "she does not want to be a liar on top of whatever else she is." She said she f*cked up big time. It turns out she gave a guy a BJ and received something in return. AND THEN CAME HOME AND F*CKED ME!. WTF...

Not much was said. I got some details, and told her to pack some **** and get the F out of my house. I am so numb right now. I do not know what to do. My son will be waking up in 2 hours...We were supposed to spend the day with my family...what the hell!!!


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yeah Its over, at least as far as I'm concerned.

This woman disrespects you too much, Hold on to your Nuts and get out of the relationship asap


----------



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

ltj7708 said:


> I really do not know why I am writing this. I really have no one close to talk to about this, but I could really use some advice and soothing. Here is my original story:
> 
> Need Advice
> 
> ...


F'ing WOW! God I feel bad for you man. Did she leave? Prepare for a complete re-writing of your history as a couple (from her). I would dig and dig in your computer, I bet you 5$ this wasn't a random ONS. Since this isn't the 1st time you knew something was wrong, I say file for D on the 5th of July. Sucks, but being strong is all you have right now. Sorry man.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife seems to like having one-night stands. You also mention that your wife seems to have a great need for the attention of other men. And she likes to drink.

You have already suffered enough disrespect in this marriage. Your wife is a broken person. Whether or not you decide to work on this marriage or file for divorce, you should try to help your wife with her problem. She is the mother of your child.

She has a drinking problem. She can't control her behavior when she drinks. Right now, she must resort to having sex with other men where she finds them. If you divorce her, she will go out drinking more, which means more one-night stands, and some of these will be in her house/apartment while your child is there. You do not want random men she picked up on a night out spending the night with your wife in her apartment while she is drunk, the other men are drunk, and your child sleeps in another room. How long before your wife will catch an STD? How long before she brings home a man who abuses your child? If you agree with this, I think you should let your wife know this is how you feel. Ask her to stop drinking.

I read your linked thread and I don't think you got great advice here. I don't know what you've done to work on your marriage in the three months since you posted that, but if you want to work on the marriage, your wife will have to give up going out without you, period. She obviously cannot be trusted to go out without you, even to the movies with friends.

Others might say your wife missed out on the single lifestyle. To me, it seems that your wife has experienced enough of the single lifestyle while she's been married to you. She has gotten a taste of it. Drinking and making out/having sex with men she meets in bars. Is this something she wants to give up your marriage for?

If you decide to try to reconcile, these are the conditions I suggest: No more drinking for either of you; no more going out without the other for either of you; counseling for your wife to see why she needs the attention of other men; get rid of all her friends who were with her when she's had these one-night stands; the only friends you have must be friends of your marriage.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

So sorry to read this. I am usually all in for saving relationships, but there must be something to build on.

I don't see that she has any respect for you at all. You were working on things, and her respons is to go to a bar and give a random guy a BJ??

She has some sexual issues she needs to sort out for herself. She knows that too. I don't think you can do much about it. Make her leave and file for divorce emmediatly, so she can live the single life she desires. That's basically all you can do IMO.

But... continue to work on yourself, stay strong - you will need that and you will benefit from it in your next relationship.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

cpacan said:


> So sorry to read this. I am usually all in for saving relationships, but there must be something to build on.
> 
> I don't see that she has any respect for you at all. You were working on things, and her respons is to go to a bar and give a random guy a BJ??
> 
> ...


Hmm... reading my own reply...

She told you herself and thats all good, so maybe I will go a bit more with WillKane, but you need to go hard on this one. Question is if she can take it and is willing to do this. But you will need to figure that one out.

Good luck man.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ltj7708 said:


> . Well after the move (which ended at 9:10) they went to a bar instead. And then to another bar. Well, it starts to get late so I text her (and she did text a few times) that she needs to get home. She tells me she needs to take her friend to her car. Well, I am a little ashamed to say this, but I had been tracking her via the GPS on her iPhone, so I could see that she had not left the bar area well after close. It closed at one, and she was still there at two. * She gets home, all hot and bothered, and wants to have sex. I am a weak man, so we had sex.*


Bad move.
Nothing makes a woman feel more confused than when you OUTRIGHT REFUSE HER SEXUAL ADVANCES. Especially when she has a guilty conscience. She knows she has that power over you,and even though you kicked her out,she will just give it some time and come back,and offer you sex again. 
The cycle will just repeat itself until she has you completely under her control,and you will eventually cave in. She wins.
Whenever situations like this [ where she offers you sex to calm you down] arise in the future,do not allow her to touch you.
You need to stop accepting " seconds" fro her.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ltj7708 said:


> She said she f*cked up big time. It turns out she gave a guy a BJ and received something in return. AND THEN CAME HOME AND F*CKED ME!. WTF...


 What exactly is "received something in return" As in, he returned the favor? Well, regardless...You're not getting the full story. Without any evidence from you a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it TRUELY is.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You might want to get tested for STDs.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do her a favor and divorce her. She is too scared to ask for one. Oh, she had sex this time too.


----------



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I think the first thing you need to do is take both of you to a clinic and get a full std work up. Do whatever you want about the marriage, although I would say it certainly doesn't look like she cares about you in any fashion. Apart of me think she fesses up just to humiliate you. She's got herself a nice cuckold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is plain nasty. Change the locks and see a lawyer tomorrow. Get into counseling to help you process the grief. And most of all, expose her betrayal to all. Expose, expose, expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sorry to hear that man, but I have a question. You knew what she was, what she was capable of doing from past experience, why did you let her go out with the girls in the first place? Or demand she come home after the movie? Or gone out to get her when she didn't come home? You must have known this was going to happen.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

*Reluctantly I do and she says she will do anything to save our marriage. She said she will try harder to be more loving and that she will go to counseling (individually and together). We talked for a long time, and I did eventually calm down. I told her that if there is a chance in hell that this marriage is going to work, then the burden of responsibility is now completely on her.*

This is from your other thread. She promised to go to counseling and to be a more loving wife. And this is how she shows you how much she loves you? How much harder she is going to try to fix her marriage? This is how she shows you that she is responsible? I REALLY hope the dude was really good at having sex with her, because she just threw away everything for this guy. Her marriage, only having her son for half of her life if you do the 50/50 joint custody. I hope he was worth losing you and everything you bring into this family. The security of the marriage for a meaningless roll in the hay. Her home may be gone if the courts order a 50/50 split on marital assets. You may have to sell. 

I mean, there's an old saying. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice......you know the rest.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

ltj7708 said:


> she gave a guy a BJ and received something in return. AND THEN CAME HOME AND F*CKED ME!. WTF...


Ugh, talk about sloppy seconds.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Do her a favor and divorce her. She is too scared to ask for one. Oh, she had sex this time too.


OP, was she extra wet? yeah, sloppy seconds. I bet she went off like a roman candle, didn't she.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

ltj7708 said:


> She said she f*cked up big time. It turns out she gave a guy a BJ and received something in return. AND THEN CAME HOME AND F*CKED ME!. WTF...


Not only is that _the_ most disgusting thing ever but you definitely need to *run* to your nearest STD Clinic and get tested.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

ITJ:

Sorry you are here. 

Sorry you got disrespected again. 

I hear so many horror stories like this.

My own story is a horror story, too. 

I avoided this forum for months because I thought we were reconciling. I now wish I had read everyone's horror story rather than burying my head in the sand.

I finally realized I did not know the person I was married to, and filed for Divorce. 

Maybe you need to do the same.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Get tested and move on. I doubt this was a ONS probably her friend was some guy she has known forever and decided to sneak out on you with. Get to the get gone.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This story is tough to hear. I am sorry. I cannot imagine a wife coming home after being with another man and then wanting to have sex with you. There is something really wrong with her.

Get to a Dr. right away. You need her out of your house and your life. After the Dr. get to the lawyers office right away. Stay strong for your son and for yourself


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Actually I have heard that waywards do this a lot. Having sex with an AP and then going home and giving the BS sloppy seconds is a major turn-on for them. 

Boggles the mind how sick some people are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This post is from your other thread back on March 27:



ltj7708 said:


> Thanks for the input. She was only drunk this last time. We did not drink at all up until three or four months ago. *She definitely will not be going out without me anytime soon, unless she wants to do it for good...*


I thought no more GNOs? What happened to change this? It appears you have learned very little since the last time you posted here. You drew a boundary and totally forgot about it or something. I thought she moved back in to work on the marriage?

Look, *your WW wants to be a partygirl, and you are just the babysitter*. As harsh as that sounds, that is the truth. She is willing to go party with her TFs, pick up guys at bars, and have sex with them, while you stay home and babysit the toddler. She's the typical cake eater type cheater.










You swept it under the rug the last time...see what happens when you do that? No consequences equals no incentive to change. What you have shown her is that she can be a partygirl, have sex with other men she hooks up at the bar, you will get mad for a little while, then she can cry come crocodile tears, promise she'll work on the marriage, and then you will take her back.

It's become a cycle, and she's become a serial cheater. The question is how long are you going to allow this? Yes, you had better get tested for STDs. At what point do you decide enough is enough? When she gets pregnant by some dude she hooked up at a bar? When she gets herpes like Larry2626's WW? 

It's time for consequences. It's time to file. You need to let her go.


----------



## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

you are a software Engineer? I doubt that, software engineer requires logics


Using system;

CLASS DEFINE_WIFE
{

static void main;

public class mywife;

Wife char{}; ,,,,, here the code define wife
Husband Char{}; ,,,,, here code define husband
Marriage char{}; here program define marriage

marriage = husband + wife;

If

{ Marriage = Husband + [( Wife + bar guy + guy friend + street guy)]

then 

wite on screen error;

end If;



If 
{ Marriage = wife forking guy OR BJ Guy Or getting

then 
Print on screen wife = Wh000re;

end if;


If 
{
wife = sperm 1 + sperm 2 + sperm 3 ( mounth, Viga, A*ss)
then 

wife will loop again 

then 

husband = STD

then

family = virus

then 

Program must shutdown, 

print out >>>>> divorce the Wh000re

END PROGRAM;
END IF;


----------



## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

/// you are a software Engineer? I doubt that, software engineer requires logics


Using system;

CLASS DEFINE_WIFE
{

static void main;

public class mywife;

Wife char{}; ,,,,, here the code define wife
Husband Char{}; ,,,,, here code define husband
Marriage char{}; here program define marriage

marriage = husband + wife;

If

{ Marriage = Husband + [( Wife + bar guy + guy friend + street guy)]

then 

wite on screen error;

end If;



If 
{ Marriage = wife forking guy OR BJ Guy Or getting

then 
Print on screen wife = Wh000re;

end if;


If 
{
wife = sperm 1 + sperm 2 + sperm 3 ( mounth, Viga, A*ss)
then 

wife will loop again 

then 

husband = STD

then

family = virus

then 

Program must shutdown, 

print out >>>>> divorce the Wh000re

END PROGRAM;
END IF;///////

Even my keyboard gave error


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

I have been putting off responding to your comments, and I apologize for that. I do appreciate the thoughtful concern and advice. I really do appreciate that complete strangers would take the time to read about my problems and offer advice and kind words. I do want to respond to a few specific people who either asked some questions or wrote something that was meaningful. Then I want to write out what is going on with me/us. If no one is interested in reading, that is fine, I just want to get this out there.

@Vanton68 I appreciate what you said. She did leave for the day, but when I came back from my family visit she was back. This was no surprise to me, she had not seen our son all day. I am certain this was a random ONS.

@will_kane Thanks for your words. I basically told her what you said, that even if it is over between us, as the mother of my child, she needs to get help. She is currently not going out anywhere without me. I know I said this in my last thread, but God help her if she even hints at it any time soon. Also the friend she was with that night she is no longer to hang out with her (or us since my wife will not be hanging out without me). They do see each other at work however. She has told me that her friend does feel horrible about the whole situation, and I know that she is not trying to convince my wife to get out of the relationship. She has started IC, and we are going together next week.

@cpacan Thanks you.

@Caribbean Man You are correct. It was a bad move. I did not realize how bad until the morning. I damn near took the bleach to my mouth to rinse after I realized what had happened.

@crossbar By something in return, I meant he felt her up.

@bandit.45 I will be starting counseling soon. After we meet with the counselor together I am going to suggest to the counselor that I would like IC as well. Key members in my family know. Key members in her family know. Also select friends of ours know.

@The Middleman This is kinda hard to answer. I guess because I have slowly given in since we had decided she would not be going out without me. Initially that night was jut supposed o be the movie, and I suggested they come back to the house to have a fire, or if they did not want to do that, she was supposed to let me know so I could bring our kid to my fathers house and go with her. She let me know too late. The boy was in bed. If he was somewhere else, I definitely would have gone to where she was.

@Sara8 Thank you

@lordmayhem You are right. I drew a boundary and quickly forgot about it. I feel sh*tty because I feel like I let it happen. All I can say is I am going to change. You may not believe it is possible for me, and sometimes I don't, but I am trying.

Again thanks to everybody who had something useful to say (even if I did not specifically mention you in this post).


So where am I now?

Well, I am at work...avoiding work...Seriously though, it has been a struggle. I think about it all the time. Certain things make me think about it, and it makes me angry, hurt and I get quiet and sullen. Like simply going to bed...This is the time that I usually contemplate things, but this time is consumed with thoughts of that night now...I destroyed the clothes she was wearing that night. This occurred in one of our vehicles, so I told her if we were going to stay together we would need to trade it in. Last Saturday we traded in for a new vehicle (that will be my primary vehicle, she does not get rewarded for her sh*tty behavior). 

When I came home the afternoon/night after she had told me, she said that she did not want to leave. She had spoken to a few people, her father being one, and felt she needed to be in the house if things had a chance to work out. After many long, emotional and detailed discussions, I think we are going to try and fix things. I know many here will probably write this off, but it is the choice I made. A few things that I considered in making this decision: 

- I love her...God help me, but I do. I am angry with her, and despise what she has done, but I still have love for her.
- Both she and I have some sh*tty emotional problems due to our parents' divorces. I really do not want that for my boy. I want to be able to look at my son one day, and if it does not work out, say that I gave it my all.
- She has shown true remorse. 
- She contacted the counselor and made appointments. This was a must

Anyway, I have rambled on long enough. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I will do better at responding to comments and questions. Now I need to get back to work...


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ltj7708 said:


> - She has shown true remorse.
> 
> Anyway, I have rambled on long enough. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I will do better at responding to comments and questions. Now I need to get back to work...


Please explain what you mean when you say she has shown true remorse. And dont post and run like you've done twice already.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Well, it seems to me you are doing this with open eyes.

Good luck. I genuinely hope you can work it out.

I think the odds might be stacked against you, but props for trying and at least if it doesn't work out you can walk away knowing you tried everything.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

I did apologize for the "posting and running" the one time I did it. Things just got a bit overwhelming, and I needed some time. I would hope that could be understood.

The things she has done that to me indicate remorse:

- She has allowed me to talk to her freely about what she has done. She has answered my many questions, including me need for details no matter how absurd they sound.
- She has allowed me space when I need it.
- She has comforted me when i need it
- She has continuously apologized through tears when she knows I am feeling awful.
- She has allowed me to get rid of things that are triggers. All the clothes she was wearing that night and the car.
- She has started IC, and scheduled MC
- She is an open book as far as her emails, whereabouts, texting, FB, etc.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Well, it seems to me you are doing this with open eyes.
> 
> Good luck. I genuinely hope you can work it out.
> 
> I think the odds might be stacked against you, but props for trying and at least if it doesn't work out you can walk away knowing you tried everything.


Thanks, I appreciate your words. I am also trying to improve myself. I am rereading NMMNG, MMSL and Hold onto your NUTS. All three are good books, but I need to read them and re-read them. I work out regularly (I am not in bad shape as it is) and am getting more into my own personal hobbies, such as golf. So if it does not work out, I can be a better man for whatever the future holds.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, you are absolutely right. The decisions in your life are yours. This is only an advice forum. 

You need to make her 100% accountable for her actions. This has happened twice and she got away with it (meaning, she didn't lose anything). I would watch out. sooner or later she's going to test those boundries again. It may not be this year or next year. But sooner or later.....

So, set you boundries and STICK TO THEM!!! do not give her any leeway.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Well, you are absolutely right. The decisions in your life are yours. This is only an advice forum.
> 
> You need to make her 100% accountable for her actions. This has happened twice and she got away with it (meaning, she didn't lose anything). I would watch out. sooner or later she's going to test those boundries again. It may not be this year or next year. But sooner or later.....
> 
> So, set you boundries and STICK TO THEM!!! do not give her any leeway.


I hope I do not come across as someone who does not appreciate the advice given, because I do appreciate it.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Good luck.

Please report back on the next Dday.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And has she given up going out to bars alone?
Has she give up the friends who help it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You maybe should go read up on doccool.com the games cheating wives use on their husbands to keep their money flowing to them. She's now had repeated cheating nights out and the only consequence so far is her having to cry and act remorseful. But what has she actually faced or done to prevent the next time with the next guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Actually I have heard that waywards do this a lot. Having sex with an AP and then going home and giving the BS sloppy seconds is a major turn-on for them.
> 
> Boggles the mind how sick some people are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or a way of lessening their guilt? 



> "I know I was bad to have sex with the OM/OW, but if I have sex with my spouse on the same day after I saw my lover, well, that means I am not cutting them off from sex, so I am bad, but I am not all bad. Am I?




So stupidly, sadly confused...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I really, really hope things work out for you. You sound so sad, my heart goes out to you. Please keep us updated, and steel yourself for another D day. 

Have you been STD tested?

PLEASE make sure you have a line drawn for next time and if/when she crosses it, MAKE SURE that is THE END of it. Please.


----------



## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Good luck.
> 
> Please report back on the next Dday.


And there _*will*_ be another D-Day... and another... and another... until OP finally realizes that she is neither the woman he thought she was, or the woman he wants her to be - and that she'll *never* be either of these.

Stories like the OP's are particularly painful to read. You just want to say to guys like him "Look, why don't you just have the word 'WELCOME' tattooed across your forehead, and she can wipe her feet on you whenever she crosses the threshold?"


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think each time you cave, your W thinks less and less of you. This chick flat out married way too young, never got her philandering out of her system. She has cheated now, four times? She's on the second strike of her second time at bat.

OP, you do realize you are in a one-sided open marriage, right? 

I just don't understand how someone can forgive their spouse more than once. 

But it's not my life, OP, it's yours. Good luck, and come back to update us on how things are going.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm wishing yu guys make it. Normally I say burn the b***h, but you may have a chance to turn this around. Just don't drop the ball anymore.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

And notice the title of the thread is "It is over."

What, exactly, is over?


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And has she given up going out to bars alone?
> Has she give up the friends who help it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes and sort of. She works with the one person I would consider a toxic friend. She will not be hanging around her except at work.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You maybe should go read up on doccool.com the games cheating wives use on their husbands to keep their money flowing to them. She's now had repeated cheating nights out and the only consequence so far is her having to cry and act remorseful. But what has she actually faced or done to prevent the next time with the next guy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That site makes me sick...seriously...

To answer your question, she will not be going out without me. She is in IC and MC. She is being fully transparent. 

What else should I be doing here?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ltj7708 said:


> That site makes me sick...seriously...
> 
> To answer your question, she will not be going out without me. She is in IC and MC. She is being fully transparent.
> 
> What else should I be doing here?


Nothing, really. Just hold firm to your boundaries for real this time, or none of what you are doing matters. 

Without consequences, there is no motivation to change behavior.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I really, really hope things work out for you. You sound so sad, my heart goes out to you. Please keep us updated, and steel yourself for another D day.
> 
> Have you been STD tested?
> 
> PLEASE make sure you have a line drawn for next time and if/when she crosses it, MAKE SURE that is THE END of it. Please.


Thank you for what you said.

I have not been STD tested yet. I thought there was a certain amount of time that you needed to wait before a test will show anything. I did tell her that this was going to be done for the both of us.

I am contemplating writing some sort of manifesto or declaration in intention (and making her sign it) to indicate to her, and my future self (should this occur again) how it feels right now and indicating that at that point it will be over. This may sound stupid, I don't know I just thought about it...


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have her sign a post-nup, declaring she walks away with nothing if she cheats again, in divorce.


----------



## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

She is not going to stop, she has self esteem issues thus she seeks validation through the attention of other men, you are not the problem and you cannot do anything to change it, only she can however it seems like when left to her own devices and when she has the opportunity she tends to stray, this will continue to happen until she realizes she has a problem and actually seeks help to fix it. If you take her back and listen to what she says she will never have enough of an incentive to make these changes. Divorce may be painful but sometimes you gotta be willing to consider it because otherwise you will end up regretting in the future.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Consequences: Have you made her "out" herself to her family/friends/facebook? Refused sex (again) until she goes to get STD tested? This is just a start. I'm sure people on here have lots and lots of consequences that they could suggest to you.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Romeo_Holden said:


> She is not going to stop, she has self esteem issues thus she seeks validation through the attention of other men, you are not the problem and you cannot do anything to change it, only she can however it seems like when left to her own devices and when she has the opportunity she tends to stray, this will continue to happen until she realizes she has a problem and actually seeks help to fix it. If you take her back and listen to what she says she will never have enough of an incentive to make these changes. Divorce may be painful but sometimes you gotta be willing to consider it because otherwise you will end up regretting in the future.


She does realize she has a problem. She has contacted and has started to see a counselor for this. We will be going together as well.


----------



## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

ltj7708 said:


> I did apologize for the "posting and running" the one time I did it. Things just got a bit overwhelming, and I needed some time. I would hope that could be understood.
> 
> The things she has done that to me indicate remorse:
> 
> ...


Sorry man but just cuz she has done all these things doesnt mean anything. My WW did the same stuff.

-She read notes that we had from when we first started dating and teared up to them
-She gave me space
-She comforted me
-She promised to be completely transparent
-She was willing to go to MC(never got around to it)
-She gave me her email password
-She cried hysterically telling me how sorry she is and how she just wants to fix us
-She bought a brand new mattress cuz they were sleeping together on it and I told her I can't even look at it. She bought it with her own money.
- We went apartment hunting cuz i couldnt stand to stay in our current place. She put the deposit down herself for a new place we found.
-She would constantly text and email me throughout the day telling me how sorry she was and that she promises not to talk to the OM ever again.

A few days after DDay 1, I put a keylogger on my computer. Turns out she had a secret email address. So of course giving me her password to the one I knew about didn't mean anything to her. Her f*cking email password that she gave me for her primary email was the OM's nickname. (Didnt know his nickname until I read the emails) I saw emails that showed that he was just over earlier that day AFTER BUYING THE BRAND NEW MATTRESS. They were talking every single day that she swore she wasnt. I left immediately when I found the secret email.

Just be careful.... Luckily my DDay 2 was only about a week after #1. I just don't want you to go months or even years only to find out you wasted even more time.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Consequences: Have you made her "out" herself to her family/friends/facebook? Refused sex (again) until she goes to get STD tested? This is just a start. I'm sure people on here have lots and lots of consequences that they could suggest to you.


She has told several close family members (dad and sisters) and I have spoken to several of my family members (dad and siblings) for support for me and my son. I have also discussed this with several close friends.

I typically do not want to let everyone know about something like this as I feel it is humiliating to me...so we tell only those that I think are helpful, ie I would not have her broadcast this on FB.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Did she give you a reason for the one-night stand, especially considering she knew she was already on thin ice due to her past indiscretions?

Did she try to blame you for any of her infidelities, including the most recent one?

If you did not have a young son, do you think you would try to reconcile or divorce?

What was her reaction after her confession? Crying? Begging? Calm? Ready to accept that the marriage was over (due to a blowjob in a parking lot) and ready to move on?

Is the friend single? Also, in the initial post, you said your wife went out with friends, plural, and now you are talking about a friend, singular. Were there other friends involved?

I think you handled this recent case of infidelity fairly well so far, and I understand why you want to work it out for the sake of your son, although I don't understand your love for your wife after what seems like a fairly regular pattern of infidelity over your years together.

I would like to point out a few things for you to consider:

1. In my opinion, your wife does not feel anywhere near as strongly about you as you do about her. You asked her to leave after she confessed and you didn't give the impression that she was that broken up at the prospect that she might lose you over a blow job in a parking lot.

2. There should be no contact with the friend(s) involved; if they work together, it should be strictly business from now on. There definitely should be no contact outside of work by phone, text, email, etc. This friend watched her married friend, your wife, get picked up by a guy in a bar and give him a blowjob in the parking lot. She was complicit in the whole incident, regardless of what she is saying now. Your wife should give up this friend willingly. 

*In my opinion, not ditching the friend completely is a huge mistake and may lead to further problems for your marriage down the road. Your wife definitely should not be discussing her infidelity and your marriage with her friend who was complicit in the infidelity to the detriment of your marriage. Your marriage and her infidelity are interrelated, so talking about one means talking about the other. *I understand that you have no way of really knowing who your wife talks with at work and what they talk about, but that is no reason not to demand limiting contact with the friend to strictly business. 

Your wife's friend(s) were living a single, drinking, meeting-guys-in-bars, staying-out-late lifestyle and they are not going to give that up just because your wife is trying to reconcile with you. If your wife remains social with her friend(s), your wife will continue to hear about all of their partying good times, which is not what your marriage needs at this point.

Your wife is like an addict. She is addicted to attention and flirting with other men and she has strong sexual attraction to other men. Your wife's friend(s) are doing nothing wrong by living that lifestyle (if they are single), but, it is not a good idea for an alcholic to remain close with friends who like to drink, and it is not a good idea for your wife to remain friends with those living the single lifestyle.

3. You are in the "honeymoon" phase of your reconciliation, so to speak. You both are just starting to agree what must be done, she has made up her mind to give up her bad habits, and so far has been able to stick to it. This will not last. 

She has had sexual attractions to other men going way back in your marriage, and her episodes of acting on those feelings has become more frequent and more sexual over time, not less. Three months after she made out with a random guy in a bar while you were there, she went out and gave a random guy a blowjob knowing full well that your marriage was on very thin ice and probably well aware that you knew something was wrong due to her getting home so late.

Just a few months ago she basically was telling you "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Very few cheating wives ultimately return to the marriage after expressing that, even if they give it a try for a while. Even if you show your wife that you're "no more mr. nice guy," most cheating wives never put their husbands back in the sexual desire zone after that. It might help for other women, but very often it does not work on the wife. 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Did she give you a reason for the one-night stand, especially considering she knew she was already on thin ice due to her past indiscretions?


No, she does not know why it happened. She basically said her mind kinda switched off, with respect to possible consequences etc.



Will_Kane said:


> Did she try to blame you for any of her infidelities, including the most recent one?


No she has never blamed me. I have asked many times thinking something was wrong with me. I have come to realize, especially through reading this forum, that the problem is not with me. I may not be the perfect husband but this issue is hers.



Will_Kane said:


> If you did not have a young son, do you think you would try to reconcile or divorce?


Honestly I think I would divorce. He is a very strong motivator for me to give this one last chance.



Will_Kane said:


> What was her reaction after her confession? Crying? Begging? Calm? Ready to accept that the marriage was over (due to a blowjob in a parking lot) and ready to move on?


Her initial reaction was timid and scared. There were tears. I of course said a few choice words to her, and then told her to get the f*ck out, which she did without argument as she knew how upset I was. I think because of my reaction and because of her history she was prepared to accept that the marriage was over on my say, if that makes any sense...



Will_Kane said:


> Is the friend single? Also, in the initial post, you said your wife went out with friends, plural, and now you are talking about a friend, singular. Were there other friends involved?


Yes the friend is single. Initially she met up with this friend and her friend's friend. After dinner and the movie, it was only her and her friend at the bar.



Will_Kane said:


> I think you handled this recent case of infidelity fairly well so far, and I understand why you want to work it out for the sake of your son, although I don't understand your love for your wife after what seems like a fairly regular pattern of infidelity over your years together.


I do not completely understand either. I mean there have been many good parts of our relationship. We have a lot in common, many similar interests. I don't know what else to say to this...



Will_Kane said:


> I would like to point out a few things for you to consider:
> 
> 1. In my opinion, your wife does not feel anywhere near as strongly about you as you do about her. You asked her to leave after she confessed and you didn't give the impression that she was that broken up at the prospect that she might lose you over a blow job in a parking lot.
> 
> ...



I really appreciate your words and advice, thank you.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think the manifesto/postnup is a great idea.

As for staying for your son - what kind of example are you setting for him, to allow yourself to be repeatedly cheated on like this?? Do you want him to be like that when he grows up? You are his DAD, his GUY. It's up to you to set his example of manhood.

I think the best thing you could do for him is to examine why you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way, and rectify it.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

> Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post said:
> 
> 
> > Did she give you a reason for the one-night stand, especially considering she knew she was already on thin ice due to her past indiscretions?
> ...


A few things come to mind on this. One, she resented feeling controlled and this was a way to assert herself (“You can’t tell me what to do!”) OR she has so little respect for you and feels that you’ll never leave her so she thought she could get away with it OR she is trying to sabotage the marriage (maybe subconsciously). Regardless, she feels she is in control of the M because she cares the least about it. You didn't leave her before, why would she think you'd leave now?

The fact she didn’t fear the consequences means she isn’t 100% sure she wants the M. 


> > Did she try to blame you for any of her infidelities, including the most recent one?
> 
> 
> No she has never blamed me. I have asked many times thinking something was wrong with me. I have come to realize, especially through reading this forum, that the problem is not with me. I may not be the perfect husband but this issue is hers.


True, she seems to want attention or is “bored” and if anything I would suspect you are too nice. She is wishing she was single again because she thinks she is missing out of all the “fun”. The thing is, most single people wish they were in a serious relationship and if she was single it wouldn’t be long before she wished she had her old life back. Be careful what you wish for…


> > If you did not have a young son, do you think you would try to reconcile or divorce?
> 
> 
> Honestly I think I would divorce. He is a very strong motivator for me to give this one last chance.


D should be you’re goal until she is able to prove to you she is worth staying with. Remember, she broke the M not you so she has to fix it IF it’s to be fixed.


> > What was her reaction after her confession? Crying? Begging? Calm? Ready to accept that the marriage was over (due to a blowjob in a parking lot) and ready to move on?
> 
> 
> Her initial reaction was timid and scared. There were tears. I of course said a few choice words to her, and then told her to get the f*ck out, which she did without argument as she knew how upset I was. I think because of my reaction and because of her history she was prepared to accept that the marriage was over on my say, if that makes any sense...


You did the right thing, had you tried to be “understanding” she would have seen you as weak and lose more respect for you (I doubt she would have acted that way is she really had respect for you). You standing up for yourself and showing her that what she did was not acceptable will show her she was wrong about you and should make her easier to deal with.


> > I think you handled this recent case of infidelity fairly well so far, and I understand why you want to work it out for the sake of your son, although I don't understand your love for your wife after what seems like a fairly regular pattern of infidelity over your years together.
> 
> 
> I do not completely understand either. I mean there have been many good parts of our relationship. We have a lot in common, many similar interests. I don't know what else to say to this...


Know this, there are much better women out there and nobody has to put up with cheating. A one-time affair maybe you can work it out but if they are a serial cheater then you have to cut bait because as long as they think they can talk you out of leaving, they will continue to cheat and you will “deserve” it because you are too weak to stop them.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I saw emails that showed that he was just over earlier that day AFTER BUYING THE BRAND NEW MATTRESS.


Damn... That's some rough stuff!


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> ..... And dont post and run like you've done twice already.


!!??!?!
I am sorry Lord Mayhem, I usually like your posts but WTF! 

People have lives u know. U can't surely be on here every night, every couple of nights! Surely? So what if he disappeared for a few days, weeks...maybe he was trying to sort out his life that most likely is in total chaos from the actions of another, while trying to be a good father to a very small child at the same time. Sounds like he is somewhere close to hell these past few weeks. 

It is a sad thing if there are rules and regulations, stipulations put down for people on a forum that deals with such emotionally charged issues, and then chastised for not following them to the 'letter'. How rude and obnoxious of him, and under those circumstances too! He should have being on this forum at the top of his to do list! Bad man!


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I think the manifesto/postnup is a great idea.
> 
> As for staying for your son - what kind of example are you setting for him, to allow yourself to be repeatedly cheated on like this?? Do you want him to be like that when he grows up? You are his DAD, his GUY. It's up to you to set his example of manhood.
> 
> I think the best thing you could do for him is to examine why you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way, and rectify it.


You make a good point about needing to set an example for my son. I have read NMMNG several times and I know some people do not put much stock into it, but I do exhibit some of the "nice guy" traits and history. I say this only because through reading that, and this forum I do realize that in order for the cycle of "nice guy-ness" to stop, I need to "man-up" and show him what it is to be a man. 

That being said, he is completely oblivious to the problems his parents are having. We have done a fairly good job of making sure nothing is yet out of the ordinary for him. We never fight in front of him, and even if we are having a serious discussion, if he is around there is no yelling or insulting. We are both very cognizant of his well being.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

@ArmyOfJuan

First of all, your name made me smile, so thanks for that. I appreciate your words and will think on them. 

Unfortunately you are correct in that I am too nice (as I just mentioned in my previous post). I am working on myself in that regard. It is not easy to change core beliefs and characteristics, but I am trying.


----------



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Remains said:


> !!??!?!
> I am sorry Lord Mayhem, I usually like your posts but WTF!
> 
> People have lives u know. U can't surely be on here every night, every couple of nights! Surely? So what if he disappeared for a few days, weeks...maybe he was trying to sort out his life that most likely is in total chaos from the actions of another, while trying to be a good father to a very small child at the same time. Sounds like he is somewhere close to hell these past few weeks.
> ...



There are some people that post often on this site that I think give good advice or have something insightful to say, and he is one of them. His post did seem a little aggressive, but I do understand that it can be frustrating when waiting for a reply.

Thanks for having my back.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ltj7708 said:


> That being said, he is completely oblivious to the problems his parents are having. We have done a fairly good job of making sure nothing is yet out of the ordinary for him. We never fight in front of him, and even if we are having a serious discussion, if he is around there is no yelling or insulting. We are both very cognizant of his well being.


They are not as oblivious as we think they are. My sons were 2 and 4 when I left their father, and both of them remember things as being bad between us, despite the fact I did everything to keep it away from them. They don't need to hear anything or see anything directly, they just need to pick up on the mood.

Staying 'for the kids' very rarely works out the way the parents intend. Ask people who grew up in such a household.


----------

