# Lost my dad



## Nucking Futs

About 3 weeks ago my 89 year old dad had bronchitis. He had been having memory issues which were slowly getting worse as time progressed for about a year and a half, but until he got bronchitis he was still driving my mom shopping and to church and wherever she needed to go. When he got sick he stayed sick for so long that we made him stop driving. He had very harsh coughing fits and we were afraid he'd end up in an accident that way. We were also a little concerned that he might not have the strength to do an emergency stop. He was heart broken over losing his keys, and didn't believe us that we were going to give them back once he was recovered. Which we were, his reflexes and judgement were still excellent for driving.

Once we took his keys his cognitive issues seemed to get much worse very quickly, and he seemed to be getting very weak very quickly. After a few days of seeing him get worse and worse my brother and I got my parents in the car and took him to his doctor. There was no exam, his doctor told us he had diagnosed him with alzheimers months before and it was common to see a dramatic decline after an infection. He set us up with a home health care company and ordered equipment to help us move him around. This was last Wednesday. Friday we had our first visit by a nurse who explained some things about dementia and did a brief exam. She commented that he seemed to have a fast heart rate but since he had just been to see his doctor she wasn't going to second guess him. That evening a physical therapist came by to evaluate him and basically told us there wasn't much she could do with him. Saturday afternoon an occupational therapist came by, showed us the proper ways to move a patient, told us he had no training in medicine and was basically a nobody but he didn't like what he was seeing. Called to ask for another nurse evaluation for monday and left. Two hours later he was unresponsive and I called for an ambulance. This is still Saturday. Wednesday he walked out to the car and walked into the doctors office. By Friday we were wheeling him around the house and lifting him from bed to chair to commode etc.

Paramedics arrive, stick the little pads on his chest, and to my surprise defibrillated him immediately then loaded him in the ambulance and took him to the hospital. After about 6 hrs they put a tube in his abdomen to drain his infected gall bladder. He was on a ventilator, had an iv in his neck, and a heating system called a bear hug because when he arrived there his core temp was 91.9. They explained that his blood oxygen saturation was very low as was his blood pressure. Eventually he was moved into intensive care where he passed early Monday morning.

So I've been handling it fairly well. Tear up at random thoughts, a couple of instances of ugly crying in private. But a thought popped into my head today, and it's really ****ing with me.

Just before he died I was in the room with him and asked the doctor why the side of his head was blue, and she explained about the poor oxy levels in his blood and pointed out that his fingers and toes were blue too. I had noticed a blue area on his earlobe on thursday but assumed it was a bruise. The thought that's choking me right now is, what if his problems weren't alzheimers, what if he was hypoxic? What if the entire problem was his gall bladder infection? What if I had called an ambulance on Thursday?


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## farsidejunky

NF, I am sorry, brother.

The Monday morning quarterback routine will only serve to drive you crazy. It sounds like you did the best you could under the circumstances. Please try to take heart in that. Even if it was hypoxia and you missed it, how much time would you have bought him? 

If this hindsight punishment continues for a few weeks, I would encourage you to see a therapist to help you work through your grief.

Again, I am sorry for your loss, brother.


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## sokillme

Sorry for your loss.


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## Tatsuhiko

89 is a good long life for a man. He beat the odds. My wife was in the grocery store with her 94-year-old father when he grimaced suddenly, as if in pain. He said he was fine, but ended up feeling tired for the rest of the day. It only occurred to her the next day, when he was still tired, that we should get him to the hospital. It turned out that he'd had a heart attack at the grocery store and some of the muscles in his heart were dead. She, too, second guessed herself. Should she have called an ambulance at the grocery store? Sure, I guess. But who would have known? 

When your parent is that old, perhaps you should just call an ambulance every day, every time they stumble or forget something. Every time they cough. Every time they complain about a pain. No. At that age it's just a matter of time before they die and there's no need for them to have daily pokings and proddings at the hospital just to keep them alive for another week. They know the end is near as well, and they hate the hospital more than we do. You obviously took good care of your dad for him to have made it as far as he did.


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## CharlieParker

My condolences. 💐


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## Malaise

Condolences. I know the feeling.


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## EleGirl

Sorry for your loss.

Don't second guess that you did or did not do. You did the best you knew how to do at the time. It was apparently just his time to go. I doubt he would want you to torture yourself like this.


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## Satya

I'm very sorry for your loss, NF. 

Your father had a good length of life. My father passed away from complications due to his degenerative disease. He was 67 and it happened when I was in a different country. It is very fortunate that your father was with family close by. There were times when I felt immense guilt for being so far away. You should not blame yourself for things you couldn't have known about. You knew him to be relatively healthy apart from the coughing, with his mental faculties intact. Celebrate and remember his life. I am sure that were he still with you, he would not want to see guilt consume his son.


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## Curse of Millhaven

Oh I’m so sorry to read this, Nucking Futs! Please accept my heartfelt condolences.

Nothing I can say will assuage what you’re going through right now, no matter how much I wish it so. It sounds like he had a progressive disease and even if his infection would have been treated sooner, he still would have declined. I can sit here and tell you not to torture yourself with the “what if’s” and “if only’s”, but I did the exact same thing to myself after my father died of liver cancer. He had turned jaundiced before we knew something was really wrong, but by then it was too late. He had complained for months of fatigue and not feeling well, but his doctors kept dismissing it as symptoms of his heart disease. 

The guilt I felt for not recognizing sooner that something more sinister had taken hold and not pushing his medical providers more or advocating harder for him ate me alive and still does to this day 6 years later.

Objectively I know there was nothing I could have done to alter the course of his sickness, no matter how hard I tried. He was gone in less than a month and I know I did everything I could to care for him while he died. One of the hospice nurses encouraged me to let go and stop trying so hard; she actually told me, “you can’t stop this from happening, you know”. God, how hard it was to acknowledge my helplessness in the face of the inevitable.

But I know she was right. And I just have to accept that and forgive myself. One day soon I will, maybe. I hope better for you. Please try to have compassion for yourself; honor your memory of him and allow yourself to grieve your loss without losing yourself in the process. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.


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## Ikaika

kala mai no ko oukou make ana (sorry for your loss)


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## arbitrator

*Prayers and condolences go out for you NF, and for your entire family!

His presence will be missed by you, but please rest assured that he is in a far better place in the loving care of our Heavenly Father!*


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## Affaircare

@Nucking Futs, please don't question an action that is already complete. There is no way you could have anticipated or predicted what happened or when. You loved your father. He loved you. You cared for him and gave him your best. He was called home. It was just his time to go.


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## Andy1001

My sincere condolences on your bereavement.
You did everything you could for your Dad.


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## chillymorn69

Sorry for your loss.


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## Decorum

So sorry Nf, you are never really ready to let them go. I had some "what if's" when my dad passed, but it would not have changed much. My sympathies to you and your family.


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## DayOne

That sucks, NF. :frown2:


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## Pluto2

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father. I know how much that can hurt and you will feel his absence, but I hope you can let go of the guilt. 

My dad died more than a decade ago (hard to believe its been that kind of time), and I still find myself seeing an article I want to discuss with him, or a question I want to ask. Those times used to hurt, but now I accept them as evidence of our love for each other. He is with me. I wish you peace and healing.


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## Evinrude58

Just wanted to tell you how badly I feel for you losing your dad. Mine is my best friend, and I don't have much longer with him.
Try not to dwell on this. 
I suggest talking to an expert diagnostician to clear your mind if it is still eating at you. 
Very sorry about it all. Always enjoy your posts. You're a good dude.


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## heartbroken50

So very sorry for your loss NF. You did the best you could and had medical professionals involved that did the best they could. It was just his time to go, and I'm sure he was grateful to have a full life and would not want you to feel guilty. 

May his memory be a blessing.


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## MEM2020

NF,
It sounds like you gave your dad really good care. I'm sorry to hear that he passed on. Both M2 and I have noticed that medical people seem less inclined toward aggressive treatment of the infirm elderly. 

And the loss of a car - is such a huge blow. My father was furious with us about it. It still makes me sad - because - we also did it for safety reasons. 

I think older folks talk to each other. And I'm guessing they warn each other that keys - once taken - rarely return. 





Nucking Futs said:


> About 3 weeks ago my 89 year old dad had bronchitis. He had been having memory issues which were slowly getting worse as time progressed for about a year and a half, but until he got bronchitis he was still driving my mom shopping and to church and wherever she needed to go. When he got sick he stayed sick for so long that we made him stop driving. He had very harsh coughing fits and we were afraid he'd end up in an accident that way. We were also a little concerned that he might not have the strength to do an emergency stop. He was heart broken over losing his keys, and didn't believe us that we were going to give them back once he was recovered. Which we were, his reflexes and judgement were still excellent for driving.
> 
> Once we took his keys his cognitive issues seemed to get much worse very quickly, and he seemed to be getting very weak very quickly. After a few days of seeing him get worse and worse my brother and I got my parents in the car and took him to his doctor. There was no exam, his doctor told us he had diagnosed him with alzheimers months before and it was common to see a dramatic decline after an infection. He set us up with a home health care company and ordered equipment to help us move him around. This was last Wednesday. Friday we had our first visit by a nurse who explained some things about dementia and did a brief exam. She commented that he seemed to have a fast heart rate but since he had just been to see his doctor she wasn't going to second guess him. That evening a physical therapist came by to evaluate him and basically told us there wasn't much she could do with him. Saturday afternoon an occupational therapist came by, showed us the proper ways to move a patient, told us he had no training in medicine and was basically a nobody but he didn't like what he was seeing. Called to ask for another nurse evaluation for monday and left. Two hours later he was unresponsive and I called for an ambulance. This is still Saturday. Wednesday he walked out to the car and walked into the doctors office. By Friday we were wheeling him around the house and lifting him from bed to chair to commode etc.
> 
> Paramedics arrive, stick the little pads on his chest, and to my surprise defibrillated him immediately then loaded him in the ambulance and took him to the hospital. After about 6 hrs they put a tube in his abdomen to drain his infected gall bladder. He was on a ventilator, had an iv in his neck, and a heating system called a bear hug because when he arrived there his core temp was 91.9. They explained that his blood oxygen saturation was very low as was his blood pressure. Eventually he was moved into intensive care where he passed early Monday morning.
> 
> So I've been handling it fairly well. Tear up at random thoughts, a couple of instances of ugly crying in private. But a thought popped into my head today, and it's really ****ing with me.
> 
> Just before he died I was in the room with him and asked the doctor why the side of his head was blue, and she explained about the poor oxy levels in his blood and pointed out that his fingers and toes were blue too. I had noticed a blue area on his earlobe on thursday but assumed it was a bruise. The thought that's choking me right now is, what if his problems weren't alzheimers, what if he was hypoxic? What if the entire problem was his gall bladder infection? What if I had called an ambulance on Thursday?


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## MEM2020

Well said. 




Tatsuhiko said:


> 89 is a good long life for a man. He beat the odds. My wife was in the grocery store with her 94-year-old father when he grimaced suddenly, as if in pain. He said he was fine, but ended up feeling tired for the rest of the day. It only occurred to her the next day, when he was still tired, that we should get him to the hospital. It turned out that he'd had a heart attack at the grocery store and some of the muscles in his heart were dead. She, too, second guessed herself. Should she have called an ambulance at the grocery store? Sure, I guess. But who would have known?
> 
> When your parent is that old, perhaps you should just call an ambulance every day, every time they stumble or forget something. Every time they cough. Every time they complain about a pain. No. At that age it's just a matter of time before they die and there's no need for them to have daily pokings and proddings at the hospital just to keep them alive for another week. They know the end is near as well, and they hate the hospital more than we do. You obviously took good care of your dad for him to have made it as far as he did.


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## Emerging Buddhist

A father loved is never far from his son...

My heart is with you with a tear shed in your direction, my father passed away a little year ago as we began the cycle of ambulance, 2 days in the hospital, then three, then four over a 3 week period of kidney and congestive heart failure until the last emergency room visit with my mother and sister in the room where the doctor simply said "there's nothing more we can do for you but end all your medications because nothing we can adjust will help and make you comfortable". 

We had to have that driving discussion as well because the oxygen amount he needed was not transportable... it was less his independence for himself as it was his putting other's out for his needs and he wanted to stay with his family so bad he would have done anything to not be where he was, but in the end he had to surrender to his faith in his Lord and knowledge that we children would be there for mom, he felt it was his job to drive her where she needed and he was proud to do so. I remember promising to him that I would do what I requested of him when the time came, give up my keys when I was told to be a concern on wheels. I am not sure that took away his desires, but it did end further disagreements.

There is no ugly crying for the right reasons... you loved him very much and it shows in your words and responsibilities you took to ensure he was safe with respect and dignity. I know at times it seems like we could have done more and we beat ourselves up as we replay what we should or shouldn't have done, but there are things in the end of life we simply have to accept we did the best we could, and you did.

Carry your father's love with you understanding his struggle to let go under the best of care possible, we can only doctor our soul in these times... and that doctoring needs to stay in motion so do your best to free yourself with forgiveness as often as you can, you deserve it.

I'll bet your father would want that most in his love for you and even if the letting go of driving didn't show at first, in the end perhaps a lesson in his acceptance for us all.

My thoughts are with you.


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## brooklynAnn

So sorry for your lost. Keep your memories close and be reminded of the good times. Your dad sounds like he lived a long and good life. You seemed like you did a great job of being his son. We can never do all the things we wished we did together, thats life. Let your heart ache now the joy will come again. Many blessings for you and yours. And a prayer for your dad.


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## Ursula

I'm so sorry for your loss, NF.


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## FeministInPink

NF, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can only echo what others have said here. You were doing everything right for your dad, and you were taking good care of him. He lived a very long life, much longer than most, and when people get that elderly, their health can turn on a dime and there is very little to be done in most cases. You did the absolute best for him. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty. He would not want you to do that. He lived a long, full life. It was simply his time.

*hugs*


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## Kivlor

@Nucking Futs

I've been there man, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really easy to start beating yourself up over what you could have done, if circumstances were different, if you'd just made a little change in how you acted. Try not to focus on that, it's not good for you. Just try to focus on the good memories you have of your time with your dad.

Don't let the maybe's and might-have's eat you up. Easier said than done, I know.


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## jorgegene

sorry for your loss.

i am going through the same thing with my 89 y.o. mom right now.

she's been on hospice for 3 months and could go any day now.
bracing myself every day. prayers for you and your family.

a time will come soon when the great memories with your dad will outshine the grieving and loss.


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## Middle of Everything

So sorry for your loss NF.

To echo what others have said, when you can, look back fondly on all the time you did have with your dad and be glad he led a long and hopefully full life.

My own dad died quite young at 54 about 10 years ago from a degenerative disease. The one thing I can try to say is to try and feel a little better knowing your dad is in a better place and likely avoided feeling the brunt of alzhiemers. Degenerative diseases like that are horrible, and to go quickly can be a blessing in disguise.

Again sorry for your loss.


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## Hope1964

I am so very sorry to hear this. Sending heartfelt condolences and heart healing vibes your way. Please don't play the 'what if' game. You did everything right.


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## Steve1000

Nucking Futs said:


> What if the entire problem was his gall bladder infection? What if I had called an ambulance on Thursday?


Sorry for your loss. Remember the long life that he shared with you. Unfortunately the dying process is usually unpleasant. Unlike the stereotype, most of us who do not die suddenly, will not spend the last moments reminiscing about our lives. You were there with him and throughout all of it, you and others made the very best decisions that you could at the time. That's all you can ask for.


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## Nucking Futs

Thank you everyone. This thread is really hard for me to read right now so I have to take it in small doses.

My dad had a pretty messed up early life. He once told me that his older sister was viciously beaten over and over again by their father. She told me that her beatings came about from her trying to intervene in his beatings, that she was never beaten on her own. Her first husband beat their father near to death shortly before they were married and that was the last time any of them saw him, but his early life was anything but pleasant. None of us would have ever known if my aunt didn't tell us, we could never see any sign of it.

One thing I've known my whole life was that my dad had my back, and once I was old enough to understand I had his. My siblings and I would have done anything to keep him safe and healthy, and intellectually I know we did what we could. It will just take some time to silence that little voice in the back of my head.

I wrote this because I had to let that out, and I didn't want to say it to my siblings. We're all taking it hard and the others don't need to have this worm in their heads.


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## naiveonedave

My condolensces


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## Chuck71

NF....... I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Try not to second guess yourself... you're not a doctor.

And we all know even they do not know everything. You were very lucky to have your dad so long. 

I lost mine at age 24... over twenty years ago. I lost mom just after Thanksgiving.

You had both your parents for a long time.... I wish I could have said that. But it hurts.... no matter

how old you are. *Guy-hug* Second guessing will bring about guilt and that isn't what you want.

Good bet your dad wouldn't have wanted you to. I should have posted here when mom died.

Still might. NF... we've boarded on same thread for a good four years. PM me if you want to vent or...

just talk... don't matter what it's about. Again... I am deeply sorry for your loss.


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## Curse of Millhaven

Nucking Futs said:


> One thing I've known my whole life was that my dad had my back, and once I was old enough to understand I had his. My siblings and I would have done anything to keep him safe and healthy, and intellectually I know we did what we could. It will just take some time to silence that little voice in the back of my head.
> 
> I wrote this because I had to let that out, and I didn't want to say it to my siblings. We're all taking it hard and the others don't need to have this worm in their heads.


I hope you are faring as well as can be expected and coping with your grief and guilt.

What you wrote about your father "having your back and you his" is very much how I felt about my dad. As an adult I knew that no matter what, he would always be there for me and it was my privilege to be there for him in his later life. 

When he died, I felt that I had lost my center or my touchstone in life. But I try to remember that all the love and life that he gave me is still in me. Because I live and revere his memory, he lives on too. 

Your father is still with you and every day you live well, you honor his life.

I hope you continue to use this thread to let out the thoughts that are hurting you. You have many here who obviously care about you.

Strength to you.


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## Tomara

I am so sorry for your loss, going down the same path


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## NextTimeAround

Celebrate his loss and the fact that his life was a long one........

My father died when I was 52 and I thought about how lucky I was. imagine how young adults and children have to reckon with that loss with so many other things going on in their life.


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## ihatethis

I lost my dad last September at the age of 60, very suddenly. I understand your pain, and I am very sorry for your loss.


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## NextTimeAround

NextTimeAround said:


> Celebrate his loss and the fact that his life was a long one........
> 
> My father died when I was 52 and I thought about how lucky I was. imagine how young adults and children have to reckon with that loss with so many other things going on in their life.



Actually, I meant celebrate his life........

Thanks Nucking Futs for knowing what I meant......


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## Nucking Futs

NextTimeAround said:


> Actually, I meant celebrate his life........
> 
> Thanks Nucking Futs for knowing what I meant......


No worries. When facing something like this my default is to attribute to error rather than malice. I'm usually right, and the world is nicer than it was when I jumped the other way.


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## Tomara

I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayer. We both are not far down the path of our loss.i too am doing what ifs and why did I stay with my mom the day she passed. We had the Celebration of Life last Saturday. I actually got up and spoke in front of 150 plus people. 
I don't know what exactly I am saying, just know that you are not in the boat alone. Sadness is behind many doors right now. I hope you are doing a tad better.


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## SunCMars

Sorry about your Dad's passing..

When you take away their keys, you give them the phone number for Uber!

And you turn the location services on their phone. 

Alzheimers [itself] rarely kills.

It is something else, like falls, accidents, infections...organ failure.


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## Nucking Futs

Tomara said:


> I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayer. We both are not far down the path of our loss.i too am doing what ifs and why did I stay with my mom the day she passed. We had the Celebration of Life last Saturday. I actually got up and spoke in front of 150 plus people.
> I don't know what exactly I am saying, just know that you are not in the boat alone. Sadness is behind many doors right now. I hope you are doing a tad better.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am doing better, thank you. We're all kind of settling into new routines. I mostly take my mom shopping now. She has vision problems so I follow her around the store and find things for her and read labels and prices for her. My oldest brother takes her to all her medical appointments and church functions. Fortunately he's retired and I'm self employed with a work when I feel like it setup so it's no problem for either of us. 

A conversation with my dad prompted me to do a little re-evaluation of my life last year and I've been a little pissed at myself ever since. I'm 50 years old, and I've never gone anywhere on vacation. I've worked, and when I've taken time off from work it was to work on something else. I've traveled, but when I got where I was going I worked. In the last 30 years I've gone sight seeing once. I went to see Mt. Rushmore 25 years ago. I was driving by it anyway on the way to a new job so I stopped to see it. I've always wanted to travel, but there was always something more pressing to do.

So I'm tying up some loose ends and I'm going to start traveling, and kind of in a big way. Assuming I get those loose ends tied in time, and I'm not sure I can since one of them keeps growing as fast as I cut it back (excuse the mixed metaphor there), I'll be hiking the Appalachian Trail starting in February. Starting early because I like the cold, don't like the heat (don't look at where I live), and don't intend to rush it. Getting to the end is not my goal, making the journey is. So anywhere from 5 to 7 months to hike ~2200 miles, preferably with no interruptions to return home for anything. To prep for it I've been day hiking locally, lost 47 lbs and no longer take insulin.

So I'm not going to make as much money next year, that's pretty certain. I can do my work from a laptop anywhere with an internet connection, but I'm not taking my job on my hike. My business generates about $2k/mo totally hands free, and that keeps going up so I'll still have some income, but the rest of my income is going to just stop while I'm hiking. I'm good with that. I'm pretty sure I can recover shortly after I get back. And who knows, maybe my customers will get lucky and I'll fall and break my leg. :grin2:


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