# need advice: wife seems to be in her own little world



## smitty9 (Jan 10, 2010)

I'll make this as short as possible...here it goes!

I've been married for 10 years and have never had any real issues with my wife unitil a little over a year ago. She and a coworker became very good friends and I ended up catching them in very flirty talk over email. I confronted her and she apologized profusely, and explained why she did it. Nothing happened, but I classify it as an emotional affair. Then about 4 months later, I catch her texting this same person (not sure how much this went on) Again, she apologized, said there is nothing between them and it will never happen again. So we had some major talking, she turned the entire situation upside down and told her family and friends that I'm controlling and spying on her. She left the house with our 5 year old son for 2 days and stayed at her parents. They only knew her side of the story and I of coarse look like the bad person (she portrayed me as this terrible person and lied to everybody about what happened..which of coarse in their eyes, I look bad)

We all ended up putting this behind us and now little things pop up here and there...she'll delete her phone records, I overhear conversations from time to time about me and things that I do wrong (her opinion) and she seems to make very little effort to try to get things back to being a happy family. I don't want to leave her or my son..I love them both dearly, but I feel like she sometimes does things just to push my buttons and makes big issues out of nothing, knowing that it will really set me off.

Also, a good bit of the people she works with all cheat on their spouses and there are a couple of her friends that are recently divorced...unfortunately, she is a follower with certain things and tends to do what her friends do in some circumstances.

I need advice, please. What is my next step?

Thanks!


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Smitty:

Take a deep breath, because there might be something there, and there might not. Emotional affairs often occur when there is an underlying problem in the marriage that has failed to be addressed for a long enough period. If you catch your wife emailing this other person, she simply promises not to do it anymore, and you both go back to business as usual, then you probably didn't address the underlying issue. If this is a coworker, they will see each other regularly and can easily continue, or periodically stop-and-restart an emotional fling. In fact the thrill may become stronger as it is pushed deeper underground. 

Now, there are plenty of people on this forum who will tell you to spy on your wife and find out the truth - I'm not one of them. I've done that, and I don't recommend it to others. If you need evidence, it's out there in the open without resorting to sneaking around. I prefer to advise this:

1. Gather up a few books on communication with your spouse - non-violent comminucation or something like that. Many other members here will have good suggestions. Read up on emotional affairs and ending the influence of affairs in your marriage.
2. Speak to her about your concerns. Tell her that you don't feel that she's been truthful, or that she's really done with the other guy. Ask her to demonstrate that she's done by allowing you to see her emails and texts. Ask her for full disclosure. You might get it, you might not.
3. Explain that you'd like to work on addressing the underlying issue(s) in your marriage. This part is tough. It may be apparent to one or both of you what the problems are. If not, you might not be ready to discuss it openly, even now. Don't be afraid to suggest a marriage counselor at any point. Counselors can help you both through that conversation about what's wrong. 
4. Explain that you consider her relationship with the other guy to be an emotional affair. Ask her to sever all contact with the other person. there are several reasons for this. Any contact with the other person can be seen as a violation of your marriage, and of course it can be a temptation for closer contact. This will be very hard for a co-worker, of course. 
5. Keep talking to folks on this forum.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

C'mon!!!!..you know what she's doing!!!..she's smitten, now the question is, what are you going to do about it?..you already know she is sneaky..no sugar coating cheating..sorry.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

There is always a start to the end of a marriage. The ending of a marriage doesn’t start with separation and divorce, the discovery of an EA or PA. The end starts somewhere before these things.

Let’s say there’s a discovery of an EA. How did the EA start? A look? A show of concern? A “falling in love”? There’s some spark, some need, want or desire within both parties that starts the EA. Of course these wants and needs may well be different. Say the stereotypical guy wants to get in the woman’s pants, the stereotypical woman wants a friend to talk to and have "fun" with.

And what was the situation like in the marriage before the EA started? And if the EA continues what’s the result going to be? If the EA ends in divorce, what’s the situation going to be like post divorce?

I think it very important to see the “big picture” in these things.

“I love them both dearly, but I feel like she sometimes does things just to push my buttons and makes big issues out of nothing, knowing that it will really set me off”.

Your wife is doing this very deliberately, very consciously. It is called “emotional control”. She’s trying to “downgrade” you, make you both look bad and feel bad. The worse you look the better the other guy looks, it’s her way of “justification” of what it is she’s doing. The worse you feel the more likely you are to end the marriage.

Why not take your wife to somewhere quite like a park. Sit on a bench and explain this “big picture” to her. Explain how you first fell in love with her. How you are committed to her and your son. That you truly thought everything in the family was ok, not perfect but ok. So it’s come as a big surprise to you that she is deeply emotionally involved with another man. Tell her that you’d really like to work on any issues she has with you and your life together as a family. Tell her that you cannot commit to this while she is emotionally involved with the other man.

Walk her through the consequences of what’s likely to happen if she remains emotionally involved with the other man. Tell her it’s not something you can tolerate and that her marriage will eventually end in separation and divorce.

Let her know you love her and you are concerned for her as a good and special friend and ask her to think what she would feel like as a “divorced woman”. Ask her to think how she would think and feel as a mother who initiated the separation of her son from his father, things like that. Ask her to think what it would feel like for her looking back on her life in a years time after the divorce, some two or three years ahead of right now. What does her new world look like to her.

Perhaps write it all down and read it out to her. If your wife interrupts, ask her nicely to please just listen and let you finish as this is all exceptionally important to you. Then leave it with her, walk away and leave her alone for an hours contemplation. When you go back home, don’t say anything. Just give her time to think about it all and see how she responds.

Bob


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

AFEH...Where were you when I needed that advice pre-separation!!!..that is so true in my case, the down-grading which turned to a controlling person, looking back I see why, just kinda wish I knew it back then, the effect it has is pretty harsh in some areas especially when children are concerned, hopfully he will take the advice and run with it, if not it will if it isn't already, be too late to do anything, then once the 'romancing' ends, the one who left starts to turn back on you again because they realize they really misjudged their actions or the outcomes, sometimes the one left behind cannot overcome what has happened or been said and moves on, leaving behind someone wanting things like they were, wanting to work it out, and if they don't get their way they start using the children to intervene, which is never any good, in fact, it makes the gap that much bigger beween them, so..take the advice and try talking about everything that can go wrong in the DOMINO EFFECT.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I know what you mean 2Daughters. These things have consequences, most of them are unexpected and for the worse for the person who initiated the whole thing.

I think it highly unlikely that the initiator and the new person they were driven to be with will ever find anything like the happiness they had before it all started. Even the new guy will have trust issues as he knows he is with a woman who chose to be unfaithful to her husband. Plus he’ll more than likely be blamed by her for breaking up her marriage, so she’ll resent him somewhere down the line.

And then after all that as you say the wondering wife, if she does ever try and get back with her husband will eventually wake up and understand that he truly has moved on and wants nothing to do with her unless dependent children are involved.

Bob


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The affair is not over until she c*eases to contact him*

Create a journal; you need to right down the history of what has happened. Share this with whoever cares even her family use this under the context of recovering the marriage. 

Find details on the OM , numbers , married , etc as much as you can - out him to his wife - keep him busy and off your wife.

Follow AFEH's advice even use the following link to confirming where she is in this EA and let her see for herself what she has become. 

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

You need to break to contact with the OM somehow.

There is a Plan A and B on this forum start following it you are in for a rough ride, the longer you wait to start the worse it gets. Tanelornpete has it in one of his threads if you cant find it Private Message him


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## smitty9 (Jan 10, 2010)

Thanks everybody for the responses. I agree with most of you on what you are saying and am already going a good bit of what you are saying to do. I am pretty sure that she has contacted this person in a good while, and the person has changed jobs a good while ago as well. The thing that concerns me now, is the others at her work who (from what I've heard) all have these little affairs/fantasies with others. I don't know of anything else that has happened, but the other side of it a couple of her good friends are going through divorces/just got divorced and i could see her following in their footsteps. I do plan on having a private talk with her and even writing some things down for her to ponder. I love her dearly, but something has to change


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Perhaps during your conversations make it clear that you both will continue work on your relationship and somewhere in the conversation state that divorce is not an option,,,"just because your friends are doing it does not means we are" type comment.

Put a clear line in the sand that you are more than prepared to fight for the love of your wife. A clear distinction between her and her friends is you love her enough to keep the marriage intact


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