# Coping with affair a year later



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hi everyone,

Its been a little while since I posted. For anyone new here in a nutshell the issue was that about 1 year ago this month things went horribly wrong in my marriage. I was not happy with my husband spending time with an 18 year old neighbor, she was friends with my neighbors too so she seemed to always be there but clearly he had a close friendship with her that even if there wasn't an affair was hurting our marriage. Then in August I found out for certain he was having an affair for several months. Not only that he had real affection for her and even went so far as to look for another place to live (alone he said). He also went through a personality change during this, this easy going very nice man who was an excellent father suddenly was angry, yelling, and not there for his kids. Kind of someone I didn't like..but I was worried it was a breakdown, midlife crisis (he recently turned 40) or a physical problem. Other people commented on his personality change (turns out guilt over having an affair). 

He has been true to his word about commitment when we got back together. Except for contacting her right after discovering (why he has no idea, but this still hurts me, we were on brink of divorce and he wanted to save it but risked contact)...but that was last August no contact since and he's been pretty open, very supportive and really helps and supports me through the darkest moments. 

Although recently I feel like I am taking a few steps backward after going forward so far. Maybe that its the one year anniversary of so many bad days (for my birthday in July he spent having sex with her...I knew he didn't want to do anything for me and he admitted to wanting time on his own so I took my two kids out for my bday and spent the night at my parents who were out of town. After my kids went to bed it was the loneliest nights of my life..and I found out later he was home having sex with this OW)..

Maybe its dealing with these emotions now for a year that's wearing me out. I don't know but I just want to break free of the sadness, despair, depression, and anger I sometimes feel. 

I also have outbursts when I yell at him, say things to push him away or just plain cry. He's been very supportive during these times and I found that stress really brings these moments on and sometimes I just deal with them all alone and other times I let him see how I feel. 

I really want to get back the happiness and peacefulness our family had but now I seem to be the one that's disrupting that. I know I am under an extreme amoutn of stress with work (I work too many hours, obviously need to cut back and I'm trying to work that out right now), finances, kids, and dealing with healing from this. My mother is also very sick with MS and having to cope with her own mother who is very ill and she has to deal with the state..so its making her condition worse. I know I need to unload some stress so I can focus on healing and every strategy I've had to do that has failed so I end up somewhat of a mess and just getting frustrated. Am I using the anger over the affair as a coping mechanism for everything? I really don't know or how to manage better...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sometimes anger can impart (falsely) a sense of control, or act as a shield against feeling hurt. It did for me.

But you then risk letting the anger define you. Being angry is what feels familiar. 

If you can be honest with yourself when you feel the anger coming up, and recognize that the anger isn't about _what is going on at that moment_, you can start to cope differently. 

Leave it unchecked, and like you point out, it will consume you - and your family, the very thing you are trying to salvage.

In the big picture, it sounds like things have taken the path that most here would hope for. I know how difficult your circumstances were, particularly that TOW remained so close by for a time But you guys weathered that. I'm pulling for you Azmo.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Azmom, try to hang in there, girl. I do know it hurts and it will take a long time to heal. Just keep coming here and venting. It helps to get it out of your system, believe me!

On "our" anniversary, she was out screwing someone else, too (but I didn't know that at that time). I know it hurts. That was 2 years ago for me. 

But now, it's done, over, gone. I'm getting better. You will too. 

Just keep posting...we're all here for each other.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Sometimes anger can impart (falsely) a sense of control, or act as a shield against feeling hurt. It did for me.
> 
> But you then risk letting the anger define you. Being angry is what feels familiar.
> 
> ...


Thank you Deejo! I know you are right. I do need to stop and think what is making me angry and not allow anger to take over. This is the single biggest challenge I have ever encountered in my whole life. Yet I do also understand how lucky I am. I know there are people who face serious illness and loss of loved ones. I remind myself, because we have an opportunity to save our family. Thanks for keeping me grounded.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Azmom, try to hang in there, girl. I do know it hurts and it will take a long time to heal. Just keep coming here and venting. It helps to get it out of your system, believe me!
> 
> On "our" anniversary, she was out screwing someone else, too (but I didn't know that at that time). I know it hurts. That was 2 years ago for me.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I can't tell you how much it helps to share these feelings with people who really know. Even when I open up to my H, I think he can't relate! He has never faced this. I have never cheated on him nor given him cause to think I ever would. One thing he has always known about me and could count on (and I feel what made him think I'd take him back) is I have a lot of loyalty. But that is a quality not a liability I tell myself so that I won't change. Venting helps! Thanks for your support.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

We're here for you, girl! Just don't forget that! We're here for each other...we've been though it, we all suffer. We are our support group!  Hang in, girl.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I didn't know your full back story. Ouch. 
I received so excellent advice - this sounds harsh - realize this. The bad news: The person you married is dead. "He" (that guy) never would have done that to you. He quite simply is not on this planet anymore. The good news: There is a new person - one you know better. You know what he's capable of - and you see the love he wants to give you. He has the potential to be a great Second H. And the good news, he didn't miss the good times of your First Marriage. Just let that FIrst marriage go. Just a few weeks ago my H said to me on our anniversary it been a 'great 15 years.' I stopped in my tracks - and held my tounge. I appoached him later and said that actually, no the first 15 weren't great. I was a first marriage that failed. But now we can celebrate the beginning of a new marriage. He was so hurt - but completely understood. It was truth. Flat straight up truth. And its hard.


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