# Two wholes vs. two halves...



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Hi all, 

I have been reading a lot of Q&A on here and have just stumbled upon a comment that was made which twists my personal views on life and relationships, so I would like to put the question out for all to comment on.

Is it better to find a mate who "completes" you, someone who is the other half of you, or is it better to work on yourself to be a complete person and find someone else who is whole and enjoys you for you and not for your completing of them?

It may take a few read through's to make sense, but for the life of me, I cannot think of a better way to phrase it at the moment!

Cheers


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I think about it in different terms. 

I want to be a complete person.. and be with another complete person.

I don't want the other person to "complete" me or vice versa. I want the other complete person to just have my back at all times, no matter what. I have his back at all times too, no matter what.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

In my marriage, I think my husband and I are two complete people, but we complement each other. My weaknesses are his strengths and vice versa. Where I'm a firecracker with a short fuse, he's cool and calm as can be. We balance each other out and I think it works out perfectly for us  But we've striven to avoid being 2 halves, just 2 very different complete people. I don't think it's healthy in any way to become so tied to someone that you can't be whole without them. You have to be able to stand on your own


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MGirl said:


> In my marriage, I think my husband and I are two complete people, but we complement each other. My weaknesses are his strengths and vice versa. Where I'm a firecracker with a short fuse, he's cool and calm as can be. We balance each other out and I think it works out perfectly for us  But I've never viewed us a 2 halves, just 2 very different complete people. I don't think it's healthy in any way to become so tied to someone that you can't be whole without them. You have to be able to stand on your own


I love this! MGirl, you and your husband sound just like Mr and Mrs.G! We have an amazing balance between introversion and extroversion as well. The goal of marriage is healthy interdependence. One cannot be interdependent until they have been independent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

See? This is why I hate Jerry friggin' Maguire!

Phrases like "You complete me" not only invite co-dependency, they encourage it.

If you go through life looking for someone to complete you, then by definition means you need to be fixed in order to be whole. And if you don't find this mythical person to fix you, you go through the rest of your life feeling broken and incomplete. And the longer you go through life feeling incomplete, the harder you're going to look and the more desperate you become. The more desperate you get looking for Mr./Ms. Right, the more likely you are to make bad choices that will affect you for the rest of your life.

On the other hand... if you accept who you are as complete, then if you find that life partner, they're just that--your partner. You're not depending on them to make you whole.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Great answers guys, my next question from that, is why do people get married or hook themselves into long term relationships so young, when they are still developing as a person and therefore not "complete." 

Personally, I stayed single for many years for that reason, I needed to know who I was and what I wanted before I joined my life with someone else's. Was I wrong in doing that, or is it possible to truly learn who you are while you are attached to someone else and relying on their support/approval?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

1) I agree, you cannot have a successfull relationship unless you are 100% happy with yourself/being alone.

2) It has always baffled me why people get married at such young ages. I have always put it down to when you are young you are very impulsive and cannot understand what THE REST OF YOUR LIFE really means. I have always believed that if you are truely in love and are going to last forever . . . . whats the rush?

This might sound strange as I am 25 and have been with my bf since i was 18, but I would have never even considered marrying during the last 7 years. We were far too young. I have only just started thinking about it recently.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I could have been married at 18. Thank God I had more sense than that! I was keen on developing my own identity, after being stifled in my family of origin. I'm glad that I lived alone for five years, before I moved in with Mr.G and later married him.
I don't think anyone should marry until they are at least 25; closer to 30 is optimal. Living independently for at least a year is beneficial so that one can learn to navigate the adult world alone. If I had been the sheltered fool my parents wanted me to be, Mr.G would not have chosen me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> Great answers guys, my next question from that, is why do people get married or hook themselves into long term relationships so young, when they are still developing as a person and therefore not "complete."
> 
> Personally, I stayed single for many years for that reason, I needed to know who I was and what I wanted before I joined my life with someone else's. Was I wrong in doing that, or is it possible to truly learn who you are while you are attached to someone else and relying on their support/approval?


What's the definitive and objective cut-off age for a "complete" person? And who decides that?

I got married at 20 (met him when I just turned 19) - it was my decision, there was no outside pressure a.k.a I didn't _have to_ get married. That's my first and only relationship too.

Judging by the fact that I am still married and still with the same person, in a relatively successful relationship I'd say I was "complete" already before that.

I think being "complete" is all about "being aware of self". I didn't necessarily need hands-on experiences to be "aware of myself".


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Ok, so further to the idea of being a "whole" person. If you attribute the way you feel to the other person's actions or inactions, is that your doing, or is it theirs? As in "you make me feel good/bad about myself." To me, I think that if you are secure in yourself and have lived enough to have the knowledge of yourself, then no-one can MAKE you feel anything. 

If you feel good/bad about yourself, it is because of your own doing. If your SO says something that brushes on that feeling and brings it to the surface, it isn't actually them, it is circumstantial. If you have emotion invested in the relationship, it then becomes more "real" because it has come from them. The same words from a stranger in the street would not illicit or evoke the same response in yourself.

So, in this hypothesis of mine, if your partner lifts you up/ drags you down, it is because you lack the developed sense of self awareness to fully appreciate your own self worth.

Or is that just an over-inflated ego not letting anyone else touch it?

Thoughts?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> As in "you make me feel good/bad about myself." To me, I think that if you are secure in yourself and have lived enough to have the knowledge of yourself, then no-one can MAKE you feel anything.


This is true to a point but falling in love with someone and having them reject you in any way I think rattles anyone's self confidence no matter how secure you are in yourself. At least this has been my experience.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> So, in this hypothesis of mine, if your partner lifts you up/ drags you down, it is because you lack the developed sense of self awareness to fully appreciate your own self worth.
> 
> Or is that just an over-inflated ego not letting anyone else touch it?
> 
> Thoughts?


It gets a bit tricky here doesn't it....because there is my own self worth then there is my worth through my partner's eyes.

So, I could have a healthy sense of self about myself but if/when my partner sees me as less than that then yes, it will affect me...because then it's not about me...it's about his/her view of me. I don't know one person who doesn't want to be the apple of their partner's eye.

The whole "no one can make you feel anything" is good in theory and works best when we are talking in regard to relationships where there is no emotional investement. But once you do bring that emotional connection in to it then any kind of rejection will hurt...no matter how secure a person is within themselves. No matter how many self-help gurus tells us otherwise....it's just how it is.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> As in "you make me feel good/bad about myself." To me, I think that if you are secure in yourself and have lived enough to have the knowledge of yourself, then no-one can MAKE you feel anything.


Deep down in their subconscious people are very critical toward themselves. 
When you form an intimate connection with someone you want that person to accept you and love you, the whole you, even the part that you yourself think is not great.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mephisto said:


> Great answers guys, my next question from that, is why do people get married or hook themselves into long term relationships so young, when they are still developing as a person and therefore not "complete."
> 
> Personally, I stayed single for many years for that reason, I needed to know who I was and what I wanted before I joined my life with someone else's. Was I wrong in doing that, *or is it possible to truly learn who you are while you are attached to someone else and relying on their support/approval*?


I am going to be the ODD one here & say it *IS* possible to "learn" and "grow" into who you REALLY are -even if you are feeling a "half" -while being attached to someone in a relationship. After all, our many relationships are our learning grounds, we are testing the waters to see what we want out of life. I think all young people should date a little-if you really "want" that other person -even if you are a little unsure of yourself & your goals needs & future. People help mold us in many ways. We can take a peice from this one, another from that one -and learn of ourselves. Of coarse, I suppose you can just do this with "just friends too". But dating is way more fun! 

I was far from "complete" in myself when I met my then BF/now husband at 15, I was mad at the world, my family life sucked, I wasn't in any extra curricular activities after school & as a young girl , you dream of the perfect guy! I feel his being there for me helped me tremendously on MY path in this life. I am not sure where I might have ended up without this influence. 

But I will say, I did NOT marry him until I felt I knew exactly what I wanted in life, who I was, I had my self -esteem back, I was confident, all of this. (alot of that came from his loving me). I even broke up with him for a time to date someone else, but came back & I am thankful I had that experience & he was (always) understanding. It took me another few years, but we married at 22ish, I have never looked back. 

Had I refused to date anyone cause I felt "inadequate" & not sure of who I was, I feel that would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Who has it all completely together anyway?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont know what difference age really makes....some people never grow up, and when they get married at 30 or over, their spouse has to put up with raising a child that they didnt give birth to.....

my husband and i have been together since we were 12/13...we took 10 months apart a short time later, and after we had a baby split for 3 months....

all my own stupidity....and i always wanted to be with him...i wanted to go wherever he went and do whatever he was doing...

i think im like joker when he told batman "you complete me". [dark knight] and yes joker...it was the way he said it...like this intenseity...

sometimes you just know....we are best friends and do everything together...


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Food for thought all round here, but if you're SO points out a shortcoming of yours that you have already recognised, and are taking steps to improve it, do you get dejected and hurt, or are you more inspired to fix it? Or more the point, if they point out something that you AREN'T taking steps to improve do you get more wounded and hurt/upset that they have bought it to light?

By the same stretch of things, perhaps it is a trait they do not like in you, that you actually like about yourself, for example, you are a social butterfly and enjoy innocent flirting, and they don't like it because they feel it devalues them..... or you are a bit of a 'lad' who likes to have a joke and pull the odd prank, and they value seriousness..... or you are very focused and serious about your work and career and they think that parties and late nights make the world go round? Drinker vs non drinker, smoker vs non smoker, the list can be endless.

Do you get more annoyed when asked to change something that you have recognised needs changing, but haven't attempted to, or something that they think needs changing and you really like that part of you so REALLY don't want to?

I don't want answers to everything, just a discussion about it all in general!


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