# Stay or leave? Toddler in the mix... What's the best solution? Please help!



## Seraj Sharif (8 mo ago)

Hello ladies and gentlemen!

I am stuck. I'm a fair person and if I'm in the wrong then please tell me and I will correct myself. I think my wife is in the wrong though... Hear me out please!

*My profile:*

32 year old male, have a toddler. Been married for 7 years. 
I'm very overweight ever since covid
I earn 6-figures a year and run two businesses.
Renting a place to stay (don't own a property).
Here's the problem, for years now, my wife has acted very toxic to me. I noticed this probably after the first year of marriage and man! I should have spoken out.
I've never been good with dealing with conflict, I'm introverted and not too assertive at all, I used to get bullied when I was younger.
After thinking for a long time, here are the pros and cons of my wife:

*Pros:*

*When she's calm, it's great. *Everything goes well. She's happy, I'm happy, our child is happy. We get along, we go out to places, it's really nice
*Respects my family*
*She's a housewife* so she's great around the house in terms of cleaning and cooking etc. and accepts the traditional gender roles.
There have been sometimes where she's owned up to being difficult to live with for a few days (but she never says sorry).

*Cons:*

*Speaks to me with contempt.* Raises her voice. Absolutely no respect. With her family and everyone else she speaks sweetly and softly but with me it's like I'm her enemy
*Ungrateful and unappreciative.* She always talks about what I don't do, or how I'm deficient in something, or if I do something then she just has to correct me. She's never once said she loves me although I always tell her that I love her and she's beautiful etc. multiple times a day
*Doesn't really support me* in things I am trying to make better about myself e.g. losing weight - after losing some weight she keeps saying, 'oh really, I didn't notice'. I just feel like I'm being put down all the time by her or that I'm just not good enough.
*Sex is such a chore for her.* I've said multiple times more that I need it more than once a week but it's a struggle to get even once a week and most of the times my advances are rejected. And when we do have it, I feel guilty asking her because clearly she looks like she's not even interested and wants to get it over and done with quickly although I always make sure she finishes first. It's like 30% of the time sex is good, 30% is guilty, 40% rejected. I don't know if that's normal with married couples. She doesn't dress up for me anymore or anything. She's lost all attraction. Understandable because I've gained a lot of weight after Covid (i'm slowly losing pounds every week).
*Crazy mood swings/silent treatment week.* One day she's ok and happy and the next I'm her enemy. Every month, there's one week where everything is going fine but one random day she just flips and gives me the silent treatment. This is getting even more frequent nowadays. Silent treatment lasts for days and I just don't know what I've done wrong. I look back and literally cannot find anything. I ask her and all she says is 'I'm fine' or she just gives me the cold shoulder. Sometimes we have talked it out and she always says after we talk it out never to do silent treatment again and always communicate (because when she does it after a while of not getting responses, I give her the silent treatment too) and yet she immediately starts silent treatment whenever she wants to
*With our child:* She's great with our child like 80% of the time but the other 20% she calls him names and has shouting matches pretty much every other morning. It's bloody ridiculous. Our child even comes up to me and says, 'Is mama happy today?' (heartbreaking). She has said to me a couple of times now that she never thought motherhood would be this hard and that she's not built for being a mother (she mentioned most mother's love their child but sometimes she doesn't like our child because he has tantrums) - it's a child for God's sake.
*Hypocrite in what she says and does.* She tells me not to act with our child in a certain way or say certain things but then she's shouting at him every other day and telling him to shutup and that he's horrible, what's wrong with him etc. These statements are damaging and yet she feels like she has to say them which I think is disgusting. When I tell her to stop she stops but it's a recurring theme. Again, she teaches him well, generally a good relationship with the child but these crazy moments are getting more and more frequent. She clearly can't cope.
*Living with her every day is like walking on broken egg shells.* Any step I take there's some sort of backlash from her. There's just no peace in the house. Even though I work remotely, I make sure I'm out of the house most of the time because I always feel on edge in the house with her.
*She makes me feel worthless* - she would happily buy her family expensive gifts for occasions and with me. I remember one time for a special occasion we celebrate, I asked what she wanted for it and she said she didn't want anything. And then when she was on the phone to her family the next day I overheard her say, yeah I was thinking about it and I really want XYZ. She doesn't feel like she can confide in me. She said she's getting counselling from someone to help her cope with our child but I don't know the details of this counselling and what's being discussed.
*Feels like she wants to one up me* because I'm achieving my goals in life and she's stuck raising her child (I say this because ever since we got married she's always wanted to pursue writing books but she never did as she always put it off). Also, she over-talks me in certain subjects where she thinks she knows things like raising a child (because she's read some books) etc. it's just so disrespectful the way she talks down at me.
There are more things perhaps that I couldn't think of but these are the ones that come to mind (for both pros and cons)

*I'm a fair person, here are my flaws:*

*I am pretty overweight.* This is probably why she's unattracted and doesn't respect me - I'm losing a few pounds every week though so this is a slow but steady improvement.
*I have beta male traits. *This is probably why she doesn't respect me e.g. I suck when it comes to dealing with conflict. This is probably why she feels she has to control me and direct me or something - I don't know. I am developing myself on this too.
*I'm lazy and forgetful* with things that I don't see as important - e.g. sometimes she asks me to take the trash out or do an errand. I forget to do it (I don't not do it intentionally) and then it's world war 3! I game a lot (only after work and when the child is asleep). Sometimes something in the house needs fixing, and I'm slow to get to it because I prioritize work and end of day I'm tired. She says she'll do it herself and then does it and this may be a reason as to why she doesn't rely on me for anything.
*I'm not the tidiest person* (I said this to her before we got married). My office is a mess most of the time but it works for me
*I don't really help around the house much* - probably because whenever I say I'm going to do the dishes at night, she says don't bother, I'll do it.
*Whenever we get into what I call our 'silent treatment week', here's what happens:*

We come to an agreement to talk. Either one of us initiates it - if I initiate this agreement, it's met with resistance and then finally she talks. If she initiates it, I talk right away -I just want to get this solved because it hurts living like this.
She lays out her concerns, I lay out mine. I lay out everything I said above (it's happened multiple times). She cries and feels so bad that I feel this way and expresses that she never wants me to feel this way and she'll try to improve on these aspects. She's great for a week or so after but then silent treatment week happens every month...
It always seems that her concerns are so petty. I don't know what the women think here but I provide for her, she said she wanted to give up her job when she had a child so I had to work two jobs at the time and I gladly accepted because we believe child should have the proper nurturing. I provide for her, I get what she wants, I don't really help around the house much. She says that her problems with me are that I wake up late (meaning 10/11am). I'm like wth - how is this a valid excuse for the treatment I receive? It's literally that stupid. I can't put my finger on exactly her reason because I ask her for details but she gives stupid responses like the one above that have nothing to do with anything. I wake up early now and am currently going through another silent treatment week so I'm intrigued to see what excuse she has this time because I don't believe I've done anything wrong. Last week she just started smashing the cabinets in the kitchen whilst I was eating, with a screw face, and not responding to my communications.
I remember one of her concerns was that we don't take time out to be with each other at night and pursue some activity together. We signed up to an online activity that she liked immediately that day. So the next day or so, I planned a time to do the activity with her early on in the day to which she agreed to, and then in the night when it was time to study, she snapped at me and said, 'No, I don't want to do it now, I'm tired, OK!' and just carried on watching her shows. I felt like slapping her. She clearly said she wanted to do it and it was a problem that we don't do these activities as a couple and then she ended up throwing it in my face. I just sat there feeling like the stupidest fool on earth. 
She asked that we go to marriage counselling one time and I eventually agreed after she recommended we do it a few times. Then when I told her to find the counsellor coz I'm working all day, she didn't find one, and POOF! that need for counselling suddenly disappeared.
Look ladies and gents, I don't know what to do.

*At the moment, we're in another silent treatment week..*
I've decided to completely ignore her because I'm sick to death with this treatment. I haven't done anything wrong and I emphasise this point.
I feel like being firm and just telling her, 'look, if you don't love me or respect me and treat me like this then you know where the door is. If you want to have a good relationship then we can talk and sort things out - if they don't get sorted and this happens again then you're out of the house.' Is it fair to say this?

It scares me to death to be another divorce statistic especially as I have a toddler who I love dearly and I don't want him to be bought up with divorced parents. I don't want to be known as someone whose been divorced.

*I'm stuck guys, I'd appreciate some feedback on how we can resolve this and at what stage should divorce even come into this? Is this abuse? 

Is my ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder now effective?

Ladies, what are your thoughts from a female perspective? I'm all for improving but I think I'm just always being stonewalled. Please help!!*

Thanks!!!!!


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It sounds like she is wanting you to be less beta and more confident, assertive, and dominate. She wants you to be more of a leader in the marriage.

I am not saying be mean and nasty or forceful. But take more charge in decision making, sex in the bedroom, and activities.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

She needs to be evaluated for mental illness. The signs are all over the place.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are only as stuck as you want to be. It's time for some positive changes in your life. Make an effort to be neater Help around the house. When she says "don't bother" she's being sarcastic. Stop thinking that is permission for you to do nothing. Newsflash if you split up you will have to ALL the chores in your new place so you might as well start now. 

A great deal of her resentment probably comes from your lackadaisical attitude. From her perspective you come across as an overgrown child she has to take care of rather than a helpmate / partner / spouse. Time for you to step up. You need to learn to be a responsible adult. 

Start eating healthier & exercising. You need to lose weight for you not her. If you need validation & praise (& we all do) get it elsewhere. I got mine from the app on my phone. I loved watching that graph do down & there were on line chats / message boards that helped. 

Read some self help books about being more self assured. Your confidence never really built up over the years & her biting comments don't help but it's not on her. You need to validate yourself. Being beta has nothing to do with being an introvert. An introvert is somebody who recharges their batteries through solitude while an extrovert gets energy from people. My husband is an introvert but he's a also a 100% Alpha male Marine veteran. People mistake him for a push over because he's quiet but he's the strongest person I know. 

If she's shouting & your child & generally being nasty that may be just who she is & you certainly don't have to tolerate being her punching bag but you will still need the life skills I pointed out above whether this relationship continues or you divorce.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah. You sound a bit passive. I don't think you can leave when there's a toddler involved. Work on the flaws that you listed for yourself, and if you can afford it, find yourself a specialist marriage counsellor. (Eg via the BACP).


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