# So confused......how long should I keep trying



## confesedhubby (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay I found out in September that my wife was having a affair with a man she works with. It went on about 8 months and only ended because I found out. We have been married almost 10 years and have four wonderful children.

One of the problems is after I found out she lied about everything. She tried to say it only happened twice. Then admitted it happened a lot more than that. She Tried to say she did not have any feelings for him than later admitted to having very strong feelings for him. She tried to say the sex was not a big deal and did not care if it happened or not. Then admitted she cared about it very much. She also told me that she loved me but just did not feel connected to me. She now says she loves me but its not a relationship type love. She says she is not attracted to me. She also says I have done nothing wrong. That I am a great husband a wonderful father but its just her.

We have the strangest bad relationships ever. We get a long very well. She is very affectionate; supportive; and loving. She just seems to have this block when it comes to intimacy and being close to me. We are in marriage counseling and she is working through her issues on her own. She had a very rough childhood.

I am just so hurt; mad; sexually frustrated I don't know what to do. She lost her sex drive after the birth of our first child 9 years ago. She always told me she just never got it back. What she did not tell me was she got it back just not for me. 

Do I have to just sit on the sidelines and wait to see if she can get these feelings back. I don't know what to do other than keep being loving and supportive. I want us back and our marriage to work. Any suggestions?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

confesedhubby said:


> Okay I found out in September that my wife was having a affair with a man she works with. It went on about 8 months and only ended because I found out. We have been married almost 10 years and have four wonderful children.
> 
> One of the problems is after I found out she lied about everything. She tried to say it only happened twice. Then admitted it happened a lot more than that. She Tried to say she did not have any feelings for him than later admitted to having very strong feelings for him. She tried to say the sex was not a big deal and did not care if it happened or not. Then admitted she cared about it very much. She also told me that she loved me but just did not feel connected to me. She now says she loves me but its not a relationship type love. She says she is not attracted to me. She also says I have done nothing wrong. That I am a great husband a wonderful father but its just her.


I am sorry to hear of your pain, and I know it is very real to you, and also very confusing, as a good man to suddenly be hit with a ton of bricks. To hear everything he has tried to work for for years and years to build, and now is suddenly shunned by his woman.

Know these things she is saying, are all too common, and if you spend time on this forum you will see this similar scenario over and over. 

But also know that even in her mind, she is maybe either confused as to why she is feeling this way, and this is also her simply not wanting to completely devastate you, as they say, by instead trying to "letting you down easy".

In these situations, as most situations in a man and woman relating, know that the actions speak louder than words, and words for the most part, cannot always be trusted to show the true feelings, because of confusion, or embarrasment, or guilt, or pain that both the man and woman experience during these times.

This is important to remember, as the way forward for you whether to win back the attraction of your woman, or to decide to cut her loose, will involve deliberate behavior and action, and rely very little on words.

These things that cause a woman to fall out of love with a man, which is simply to say, the sexual attraction and emotional connection are withered, and this is often the catalyst for affairs as you sadly have seen, are based on more emotional and feelings. 

Again these emotions and feelings are shown by actions, and very little on words and logic, and these other things we as men and women rely on to communicate with each other. So when a man relates to a woman, and a woman to a man, and each is looking for a sexual and emotional connection, the communication is, essentially, primal. 

For it is good to remember, that men and woman are communicating sexually for thousands and thousands of years before even speech or written language was even invented, so the language of attraction, so to speak, is in actions and behavior, and attitude even, and little to do with words. 

And understanding this language, like any form of communication, is important to communicate what we want to say, as a man wants to communicate to a woman he desires.



> We have the strangest bad relationships ever. We get a long very well. She is very affectionate; supportive; and loving. She just seems to have this block when it comes to intimacy and being close to me. We are in marriage counseling and she is working through her issues on her own. She had a very rough childhood.


Whatever has happened over the years, she is no longer sexually attracted to you.

And a woman that is not sexually attracted to a man will not be emotionally connected to that man either. To the man and woman in a relationship, sexual attraction and emotional connection are absolutely intertwined. When one is strong, so is the other. And when one withers and dies, the other withers and dies as well.

These things you are describing, to say in the dating world is "the friend zone" and in the marriage world "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you". 

These things are all the same, and is simply a woman reacting to a "nice guy", as she will relate to him as if he is her brother or roomate or something, but not as a woman relates to a man in the way to be described as "passionate" or a "spark", which is simply a social and romantic way to say sexual attraction. 



> I am just so hurt; mad; sexually frustrated I don't know what to do. She lost her sex drive after the birth of our first child 9 years ago. She always told me she just never got it back. What she did not tell me was she got it back just not for me.


These forums testify to your exact scenario time and time again, what I call the "nice guy" scenario. 

These things that are commonly believed, but are not true, and I simply call "myths" or "lies" are these things that contradict the facts.

And that fact is a woman should have just as strong sex drive as a man, and over time it should become stronger. If this is not the case in a marriage, there is a problem that needs to be fixed. 



> Do I have to just sit on the sidelines and wait to see if she can get these feelings back. I don't know what to do other than keep being loving and supportive. I want us back and our marriage to work. Any suggestions?


You can sit on the sidelines and "wait and see" if you want your woman to leave. And make no mistake, that is what will happen.

Also if you continue to be "loving and supportive" to a woman that is leaving you in the dust, then you are tellling her basically this, again with your actions and not words, you are saying "I do not find you desireable enough to fight for you, and so you are right to leave me to find happiness and sexual and emotional connection with some other man". 

Read that last sentence many times if necessary, to see that to be "loving and supportive" is really communicating what you want to communicate.

This time is confusing for you, yes that is understandable.

Here are the facts:

Your woman is not attracted to you sexually.

A woman that is not sexually attracted to a man, will not open herself to be emotionally connected to that man.

If a woman is not emotionally connected to a man, communication is not freely flowing, because there are emotional walls in place to numb the pain.

A woman is irrestibly attracted to the man that is in control of himself and his environment, the dominant man. 

A woman will resent a man that is the opposite of this, a "weak man" to her eyes. 

This "weak man" is, for examples, these things: The "nice guy", the "just friends", the "I love you but not in love with you" man. Also the man who is "loving and supportive" while his woman has affairs, or makes moves to leave him in the dust, a man that will not stand up to a woman, or a man that will not fight for his woman, or to simply say, the man that will not be man enough to stand up for what he wants.

So to know these facts, and understand what lights the fire of sexual attraction in a woman, and also what will kill this fire and cause a woman to resent her man, to know these things are to light the way forward with the facts, and to allow the good man to see what action and behavior will be effective to bring happiness, and what action and behavior that will cause only misery.

Know that begging, pleading, crying, always TALKING about the relationship, or any other of these things are only to make the man look "weak" and will drive a woman away. 

So instead to sit back and wait for your woman to "decide", instead to do that and be miserable, do this instead.

Do the things for yourself that make you happy, and these things you would be doing if your woman was not your wife, but some woman you are PERHAPS interested in to date. To "hit the gym", to improve your appearance, focus to be the best father to your children regardless of your woman, in short, to pursue the activities and goals that make YOU happy.

And to do these things, and show in action, not words, that you have this exact attitude, that you are happy and successful WITH OR WITHOUT your woman, and she is to know this attitude, and she will then see if you are desiring her, that she MAYBE could have you if she would try very hard, would show her in actions and not words, that you are a man that deserves to earn her sexual attraction and emotional connection.

Simply this: Actions, not words, and attitude counts.

I wish you well.


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