# update on thread posted 3 years ago re mismatched libido in 25 year marriage



## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

It’s been a while since I last visited TAM. 3 years ago I posted a thread on issues around mismatched libidos in my 22 year marriage. A lot of water has passed under that bridge since that time and I thought it timely to give an update. Here is my original post:


:cone4:_Sorry for the long post, but I’m trying to save my 21 year marriage from falling apart and want to give the background.
I finally realise that i must take action on the recurring issue we have in a lack of intimacy in our relationship.

The first 6 months when we met were great sexually and then something changed. We make love (she describes it as having sex) infrequently (monthly perhaps) apart from when we go away without the kids and then she loosens up. This has led us to having major rows every year or so – she thinks we row about the lack of sex, I think its about lack of intimacy. Our relationship apart from the intimacy is wonderful and I still see her as the most beautiful woman spiritually, physically and emotionally. I want to be with her for the rest of my days.
I take some responsibility for things getting to this point in that i have been emotionally selfish due to my screwed up beliefs and subsequent behaviour. This has resulted in me being manipulative in getting my own way. I’ve had therapy over the past few years and done a lot of personal searching and development. Sometimes, i wonder why she has stuck with me all these years as i haven’t been easy.

I like to think this has changed over the last 6 months, and am now far more the strong assertive man, not the needy little boy. However, she is an emotionally strong woman (perhaps had to be) and is now finding it hard to let her defences down. When we have rows she says i need to trust her 100%, that she won’t leave me and she’s never been unfaithful and than in the next breath she says she would never trust a man 100% as nothing in life is uncertain (perhaps that has fuelled my insecurity over the years). I asked her this morning how can she say one thing and totally contradict herself in the next sentence? I’ve always felt she holds back that last bit emotionally as a defence mechanism because of this “belief” so she won’t get hurt- the irony is the way we are heading this is what will happen.

I can’t seem to get though to her (apart from using a sledgehammer) that I’m at the end of my tether re the lack of intimacy and am not prepared to go through the rest of this physical life without the deep intimate connection we lack. When i asked her what is she afraid of she says going through the pain of separating, as deep down she thinks we are mismatched. I don’t think we are, otherwise we would have not lasted 23 years together.

She spoke with her best friend who does not have the best of relationships and got the response that i was being unreasonable. I said it would be better if she asked a couple who had a wonderful relationship as the response may be different.

How do i get my wife to open up just a little without her feeling pressurised and then resentful? Thanks for any help as i so much want to spend the rest of my days with her._ :cone4:


2 years ago I re-entered into therapy as I recognised I brought many toxic behaviours into my marriage. Whilst I had some self-awareness, changing these behaviours was easier said than done. At the commencement of therapy, I went to the first session with my wife as I had finally managed to convince her that things were only going to deteriorate unless we jointly looked at OUR issues. Up to that point she felt I was the one with all the issues. At the end of the joint session, the therapist suggested I come weekly and my wife need not return for 2 months. I read that to be my wife was still resistant to looking at her contribution; she read that to mean I had 8 times as many issues as her.

My own therapy was insightful, painful, challenging, but change gradually occurred. I did not realise nor appreciate how co-dependent, manipulative, passive aggressive and narcissistic I had been in our marriage and started to appreciate what my long suffering wife had been putting up with all these years. I could start seeing I was the one that brought far more emotional baggage into the relationship than her. Over the years she had built up a lot of resentments, so in hindsight it was hardly surprising she was off sex. It was the only thing she had any control over. That said, she did collude in allowing my behaviour and had difficulties in expressing emotions. It took her a lot of her won therapy to be able to admit and accept her contribution to the dysfunctional dynamic we had set up. 

My frustration continued though as despite her agreeing to come to MC, she did not seem fully committed to the process. Even when we started joint sessions, progress was slow, too slow for my liking. 12 months ago, her father died, she did her usual internalising her feelings and shut me out. I was also coping with my dementing mother, my father who did not know what emotions were (not surprising given he is a holocaust survivor) and 3 highly dysfunctional sisters who only knew to get their own way by manipulation and passive aggression. My coping mechanism at that time was to run away from it all and as a consequence I developed an obsessive infatuation (limerence) for another woman. Having read recent threads here, I can see it had the potential to develop into an EA had the other person been more willing. Even though nothing progressed and the fantasy was pretty much all in my head, I was still in “the fog”. It was the most confusing time of my life. Rational thought processes went out the window. Whilst I don’t regret the episode as it led to a long overdue spiritual awakening, it cost me the best part of a year in taking my eye off my business and deeply hurt my wife, who still feels she has lost some of the trust we had. That hurts me to know that, but I can’t change the past. The infatuation was totally in my head and I spent much of the following months gaining support from a limerence network on tribe.net. 

Another benefit in my eyes was it gave my wife the much needed kick she needed to start committing to her own therapy as well as MC. Gradually over the past 12 months our relationship has become much stronger, the sex is much improved and we are communicating at a much deeper level than ever. We have heartfelt conversations and I feel that I need her because I love her not love her because I need her. 

That said the sex could be more frequent and more adventurous, but with the changes she has made over the past 18 months, anything is possible. I still act out at times and slip into old habits, but when I do I’m more aware and am able to hold my hands up and apologise.

My wife has read some of the threads on this forum with me and found them interesting – something she would not have done just a few years ago. Perhaps she will feel able to give her perspective on why she was so resistant and defensive to seeking help for all these years? 

I’ve come to the conclusion living consciously is so much more challenging than going through life unconsciously but its worth the effort. My own the[ray has helped me be much calmer, content and able to sit with uncomfortable feelings rather than resort to addictions and controlling others to stuff the pain down.


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## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

I admire the effort you've put in to improving yourself and your marriage. My husband is a second generation holocaust survivor... he is very much like his father, who does not acknowledge emotions. 

Hubby and I have tried MC as well. Every situation is surely unique. We were told that we have the best communication skills our therapist has ever seen. I cannot count how many times people around us (friends, clients, even strangers in stores) have told us what a "wonderful, loving couple" we are. And in many ways we are. But he will not have sex with me. 

In any case - again, I admire what you're doing. I am trying to learn to handle uncomfortable emotions as well.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

Rejected-sorry to read of your pain. I think it must be harder when its the man thats not into sex as it goes against the grain. 

My wife was just reading some of a book to me "his needs - her needs" - first few chapters could help you and your husband understand the dynamics.

Is he masturbating? If not and hes not getting it elsewhere perhaps his hormones are out of wack?

RE the 2nd gen stuff, i never realised how dysfunctional i was and how alike i was to my father till i had undergone a few years therapy and gone through the other trauma i identified above. But it never affected my sex drive, so i doubt this has anything to do with it.


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