# Wife says she has shut down and has no feelings



## Broken32

Wife and I been married for over 11 years and we had our ups and downs like a normal couple but we always have worked through everything together. I thought our marriage has been going great but a couple days ago I asked her if she's ok because I knew she's been stressed out from work. Then she goes on to tell me that she has shut down. She says that she has no feelings for me and has fallen out of love. At that point my heart was broken but I calmly tried to ask why and what happened because I thought all was great. She said it has nothing to do with you its me. So I brought up going to counseling to get through this and she said it probably won't work. I have been doing everything possible to keep my marriage and kids together. I try to comfort her, hold her hand and tell her she's still the love of my life but she won't give anything back and I don't know what to do. I also told her that I will give her space and will wait till you come out of whatever your feeling but she's already thinking of separating. Which kills me so bad because I love her with all my heart and want our family to stay together but don't know what to do besides be patient and let her make the choice. Help please


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## Luckylucky

How old is she? Kids ages? Is there or has there been someone else?


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## Diana7

Have you asked her what had made her shut down?
If the marriage seemed ok to you it may be that she has another man.
She seems to have no intention of trying to improve things with you.
Could you do some detective work? Check her phone. Put a VAR in her car etc. You may or may not find anything but at least you will know.

Has she shown any other changes recently? Dressing differently? Spending more time on her phone? Being secretive with her phone? Getting home later? Going out more?


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## Broken32

We are 32 years old with 2 boys. One is 7 other is 11.


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## hplove

She's checked out, now more than ever you need to be the man and stay calm. Lead and embrace leading. I would recommend listening to dads starting over and his book.


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## GusPolinski

Has she been displaying any strange behaviors lately? Staying late at work and/or going out after work more frequently? Using her phone more and/or guarding her phone? New wardrobe? Has she been mentioning a co-worker or friend in conversation often? Going to the gym or working out/exercising more often?

Get where I’m going with all this?

Tell you what, start with this — get your hands on the phone bill and go over it with a fine-tooth comb.


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## Benbutton

Oh boy, you received the infamous I love you but I'm not in love with you speech along with a dose of "it's not you. It's me" . Those two phrases are standard operating procedures for those involved in extramarital affairs. It's time to play detective, hold your cards close to your vest and keep doing what you're doing.

Others will soon chime in with their experiences and suggestions - it would be wise to hear them out.

BTW - I received the same speech at about your age years ago...she was cheating.


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## Evinrude58

Broken32 said:


> Wife and I been married for over 11 years and we had our ups and downs like a normal couple but we always have worked through everything together. I thought our marriage has been going great but a couple days ago I asked her if she's ok because I knew she's been stressed out from work. Then she goes on to tell me that she has shut down. She says that she has no feelings for me and has fallen out of love. At that point my heart was broken but I calmly tried to ask why and what happened because I thought all was great. She said it has nothing to do with you its me. So I brought up going to counseling to get through this and she said it probably won't work. I have been doing everything possible to keep my marriage and kids together. I try to comfort her, hold her hand and tell her she's still the love of my life but she won't give anything back and I don't know what to do. I also told her that I will give her space and will wait till you come out of whatever your feeling but she's already thinking of separating. Which kills me so bad because I love her with all my heart and want our family to stay together but don't know what to do besides be patient and let her make the choice. Help please


A woman with young kids that’s wanting to separate and given the ILYBINILWY speech out of the blue and has suddenly become distant, almost certainly has another man she’s seeing.
You need to get on your phone bill and otherwise do some research. Pearning how to use a voice activated recorder VAR and putting it in her car will likely tell the tale.

I can promise you this, without ANY reservations that I might be wrong: You should file for divorce as bad as it hurts, ask HER to leave the home— no matter how badly it hurts, and put HER under the stress of making it on her own. She will likely move out, likely go to her boyfriend, and HE will have all her needs on HIS shoulders. She will probably want to come back when/if he dumps her. You’ll be better off not doing so.

Sir, I wish I could advise you on how to fix this, but once a woman starts this stuff, it only gets worse. The advice you need to hear is to get divorced. Starting that process is the best way for you to heal the fastest and perhaps get a fair settlement, and also the best chance to give her a reality check and put her needs in her new bf which will likely get her headed back to the security of your relationship.

I know you think I have it all wrong. It’s unlikely I do.


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## GusPolinski

Broken32 said:


> We are 32 years old with 2 boys. One is 7 other is 11.


Sounds like you married pretty young.

She may regret that.

Again, get your hands on the phone bill.


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## Evinrude58

Regardless of the reason got the separation:
Chasing her under these circumstances is always the opposite of what will work. 
if you show some strength and give her a stern, firm boot, it will have a better result in her feelings for you than crying and pleading.

please. I implore you not to do any begging or pleading. Doing so will have the opposite effect.


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## Broken32

Well it took everything I had and she finally said that she started having feelings for someone she works with but has not touched or did anything with yet. She said she does love me and doesn't know why this has happened because she loves everything about me and our family. I somehow stayed calm and said well you have a choice to make and its staying together happily with our family or run away from it all and you will probably make the worst decision of your life when you have everything right here. Know she wants space to think. All I'm going to think and get angry about is her going to work right next to this guy everyday. Broken but trying to hold on to what I believe can still work. Thanks for replies


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## Evinrude58

I’m so very, very sorry. It is going to take more self discipline and courage than I could muster, but I truly believe if you file for divorce and show no emotion to your wife whatsoever other than disdain, you have a chance at blowing up her affair. Do not offer space. That’s her effort to test drive the new man. Don’t believe her lies, she has been having six with this new guy. 
Divorce and blow this crap she’s feeding you up in her face. She’s screwing him anyway, so go ahead and let him have all her negative qualities too, by her living with him. That’s what she will be doing when she leaves you.

She is NOT the only woman in the world. It feels that way, but it’s your emotions lying to you. I urge you to ignore those emotions or at least not act on them. See an attorney Monday morning.


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## Jamieboy

Look buddy, what you are doing here is giving her a choice with no consequences. File for divorce immediately, you can always change your mind, but unless she is woken up to reality fast, she will sleep with him. Take action to show you won't be a bystander in your own life. Which ever way this goes, at least you can say that she didn't dictate the pace


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## BigDaddyNY

Broken32 said:


> Well it took everything I had and she finally said that she started having feelings for someone she works with but has not touched or did anything with yet. She said she does love me and doesn't know why this has happened because she loves everything about me and our family. I somehow stayed calm and said well you have a choice to make and its staying together happily with our family or run away from it all and you will probably make the worst decision of your life when you have everything right here. Know she wants space to think. All I'm going to think and get angry about is her going to work right next to this guy everyday. Broken but trying to hold on to what I believe can still work. Thanks for replies


You need to divorce or seriously take charge if you want the marriage to go on. Top priority would be her getting another job and going 100% no contact with the OM. I would also press her for a polygraph asking if she has had sexual contact with anyone other than you since being married.


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## SunCMars

The love part, her past action on her end has already been consummated.
As far as them having sex, does it matter?

Well, maybe it becomes that rubbing poop in your face.
Without their sexual intimacy consummating, it is cleanly cheating.

Add in the the intercourse, it clearly is dirty dealing, now dealt.

Tis' already enough. 

File for divorce.
File up, go forward, get in step, march away.


_Ares Martin- I_ agree with the others, few woman will leave their marriage without tasting the new man and having had enjoined, enjoyed his flesh.

It is the cautious few, who leave a good thing, merely on a whim, a thread on a thin limb.
She knows, therefor, what is in the offing.

We learn of others by listening, by touch, by smell, by.... Good Golly, Miss Molly!


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## Kaliber

Broken32 said:


> but she's already thinking of separating.





Broken32 said:


> Well it took everything I had and she finally said that she started having feelings for someone she works with but has not touched or did anything with yet.


@Broken32, I'm very sorry for what you are going through, but please think about this: *You wife wants to blow up her marriage/family for someone she ONLY has "feelings for" BUT they didn't touch or do anything?!*
Do you believe this, do you really believe this?!

Then you are hoping for a miracle:


Broken32 said:


> Broken but trying to hold on to what I believe can still work.


My only advice is avoid the "Pick Me Dance" it doesn't work, and given her space while she goes back to work with this new shiny dude is proving to her that you are passive, weak and a doormat, you are demonstrating to her that you don't know what to do!
You are just hoping for some miracle that she will snap out of it and comes running back to you!
Breaking news: it doesn't work!
A quick read to the thousands of stories throughout the years in the infidelity section will prove to you without a doubt that being passive, weak and giving a cheater space will work against you, *it never works!

What will work is this:*
File for divorce and tell her you're done, you will not be disrespected and not willing to waste years of your life with a cheater!
You can stop the divorce at anytime, this might snap her out of it!
Then, you slam some serious *consequences *and enforce *boundaries *with her!

Please understand, the more you become passive and weak, the more slim your chances are to recover from this!
You need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it!

Yes. it's hard. Yes it's painful, but she is the one that forced your hand and put you in this predicament!!

Oh, and most likely they did have sex (Don't believe any thing she says, verify it yourself by snooping) !


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## Deejo

You have some hard choices here.

I will tell you flatly, acting like a kicked puppy and 'hoping' that by being kinder, or more tolerant of her current state is NOT one of them.

Here is another hard truth that you need to operate under. She's lying to you. She believes she is lying to you to protect your feelings. What she is actually doing is completely avoiding accountability for her own emotional state.

Whatever she is telling you has happened with this other guy? It's more. Many people get caught up in trying to uncover those details. Don't. The details are meaningless. Simply presume the worst thing you can imagine is what she has done. Now. What are you going to do as a result?

What she is doing is called 'monkey-branching'. She doesn't want you ... but she also doesn't want to be alone. So, she's starts fostering a new relationship, while still under the security of her current one. What I'm saying is, she wouldn't have told you what she told you were she not already emotionally invested in this other guy. Given their physical proximity, it's safe for you to presume it is way beyond chatting or texting.

I will tell you the absolute best step you can take if you actually want to salvage your mariage, but it is a step few are willing to take.

Encourage her to chase her dream with her shiny new partner. Tell her she should start looking for her own place. Do not offer, and refuse to leave the marital home. See a lawyer asap. The sooner you 'savage' this whole fantasy notion that she has in her head about how this works out? The sooner you get to the results you either want ... or the results you were going to end up with anyway.

She has her bliss bubble blown up and decides to work with you (if that is what YOU want) or she follows through, which clearly tells you that she is really done, and you can take the steps you need to protect yourself and your children financially and emotionally.

Sounds harsh ... I'm very well aware. And it's all new to you. Sadly, nothing about your story is new in the annals of this forum.

Welcome to the boards.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## oldshirt

I agree with the others that trying to "nice" her back almost always results in her treating you worse and worse over time while further feathering her nest and escalating with the other man (OM).

The way you survive and get through this is with strength and determination in advocating for your own needs and well being. 

I know you want to pull her back in and get back to the way it used to be. But your first step here has to be to understand and accept the real life threat you are facing. 

Right now she could withdraw every cent you have in any joint accounts, run off with the OM, either taking the kids with her or dumping them in your lap to raise by yourself while she flicks on the beach. And if she gets to the lawyers and the court and files for divorce first, she can end up taking AT LEAST half of all your assets, the kids and perhaps even make you pay child and spousal support while she bangs other men. This is a reality. 

Your first step needs to be to protect your assets and your relationship with the kids. Get to a good divorce attorney yesterday and start circling your wagons and protecting yourself. Accept that this is real. 

Have attorney draw up legal separation papers and get your financials protected and in your name. Have a child care and custody agreement drawn up. Have separation papers ask her to move out of the marital home and on her dime. 

Now some of this stuff may not hold up in a final divorce decree. But the point here is you need to be proactive and definitive in taking ACTION to protect your assets and contact with your children. 

When she sees this stuff on legal documentation paper, it may give her the whack across the head with a 2x4 that she needs to come to her senses and take a deeper consideration of what she is doing. 

First step is protect yourself and secure your assets and children.


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## oldshirt

I'm also going to throw this out there. 

The best way to chase another man off is to hand her over to him. 

I know that seems counter intuitive but hear me out here. 95% of guys that bang married women are in it just for the quick and easy poon without having to deal household chores, dealing with kids, changing her flat tires in the rain, unclogging her toilet, killing spiders etc etc. All a guy hooking up with a married chick wants is her vagina. 

Once she is a single woman and her husband is no longer changing her flats and unclogging the toilet and hauling the kids to soccer practice in the rain, she is going to want the OM to do it and he won't want any part of that and will throw her under the bus. Trust me on this, I have been there done that. 

Now, if he is one of those 5% of OM that truly wants to be with her and will step up and take her full time........ I am sorry but you have already lost. She is already gone. 

So either way, whether she end up with you or not, either way your first step needs to be to get legal papers protecting your assets and laying out the groundwork for the custody and care of the children.


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## Evinrude58

I agree 100% with the above. You’ve got to protect your rights to your kids. You want the OM being their daddy? That’s what you’re up against. You want to live in a cardboard box while financing her and her new guy through alimony and child support?

the importance of seeing an attorney and filing cannot be exaggerated in your situation.

last of all, YOU are the security blanket that reinforces her fairy tail of being with her new hero. You acting like a puppy and “giving her space” actually encourages the affair, because she knows if it goes south, you’ll be there to provide security again.

blow up fairy land and force her to start living the reality of depending on the other man for what YOU were providing.


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## Broken32

Never in my life I would have thought this would have happened to me. I always put 100% in my marriage and kids. I was always wanting to show her thats shes loved so much and gave her all my attention and wanted to be touchy. What wife wouldn't want that. I'm hurt so bad and feel so lost


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## oldshirt

And this is going to be hard to hear but she has had sex with him. 

Assuming that you are not abusive, not a threat to the kids, not a falling down drunk, not chronically unemployed and assuming that you have not completely neglected and abandoned her and the kids first - women with 7 and 11 year old children simply do not leave their husbands and homes unless they are getting orgasms from someone that they think is a bigger, better deal. 

They just don't do that. If you are good person and a good provider and are present and active in the home and in the kids lives, mothers just don't leave the fathers of their children unless they think they are getting a bigger, better, deal. 

They don't do this because some guy at work is handsome and smiles at them. They don't do this because some guy has sparkly blue eyes and wavey hair or even that he is nice and charming and makes a lot of money. 

The world is full of nice charming handsome men with sparkling blue eyes and wavey hair that make a lot of money. 

The men that women check out of their marriages for and fall out of love with their husbands for are the ones that are giving them orgasms and filling them full of horny hormones and whispering (usually fake) promises of a life together in their ear. 

This is an affair and not just an unrequited office crush.


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## Tested_by_stress

I'd find out who it is and confront him for his version of the story. I'd also put the choice of divorce or find another job on the table. I'd also expose her to friends and family. I agree with other posters that they have likely had sex already.


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## Diana7

Broken32 said:


> Well it took everything I had and she finally said that she started having feelings for someone she works with but has not touched or did anything with yet. She said she does love me and doesn't know why this has happened because she loves everything about me and our family. I somehow stayed calm and said well you have a choice to make and its staying together happily with our family or run away from it all and you will probably make the worst decision of your life when you have everything right here. Know she wants space to think. All I'm going to think and get angry about is her going to work right next to this guy everyday. Broken but trying to hold on to what I believe can still work. Thanks for replies


If she stays then she needs to look for another job. Also you will need to discuss her boundaries with the opposite sex.
She may or may not have had physical contact, many lie about these things.

It's good that you were firm and gave her the choice rather than beg and plead.


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## Diana7

Broken32 said:


> Never in my life I would have thought this would have happened to me. I always put 100% in my marriage and kids. I was always wanting to show her thats shes loved so much and gave her all my attention and wanted to be touchy. What wife wouldn't want that. I'm hurt so bad and feel so lost


I am so very sorry. My husband said the same in his first marriage.


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## SunCMars

Broken32 said:


> What wife wouldn't want that. I'm hurt so bad and feel so lost


Who, what wife wants this?

One, who values romance over everything else.
One, who is selfish, sees her needs not being met.
One, who is not properly grounded in reality. 
One, who suffers from some mental ailment, often depression. 
One, who has low self-esteem.


Reality is too painful to manage, hence, they look at _escape _as the magic panacea.

A _maybe_, dunno, is her being the only female, and having three males in the house.
This makes her feel like the odd person out.
Nobody understands her.



_Are Dee-_


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## Deejo

Broken32 said:


> Never in my life I would have thought this would have happened to me. I always put 100% in my marriage and kids. I was always wanting to show her thats shes loved so much and gave her all my attention and wanted to be touchy. What wife wouldn't want that. I'm hurt so bad and feel so lost


Do you have friends and family that can and will support you through this?

Who have you told?

This place is a great outlet and resource, but I would strongly urge you to take care of yourself emotionally. Get yourself into therapy. Share NONE of this information with your wife. There are a lot of guys that come here and think if they somehow placate their spouse, or acknowledge whatever failings she says you have, that it will somehow turn the relationship around. It won't. It doesn't. Ever.

Keep in mind that some of the input you see here will sound bitter, harsh, and completely counter-intuitive to what you think you should be doing. It isn't intended in that fashion. You would be well served to recognize that many, many, posters here have trod the ground upon which you now find yourself. 

And they have all come out on the other side. Trust me. There is another side.


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## Broken32

Idk she swears to me that she didn't do anything physically with him but is more upset with herself in how she started to let feelings in for someone else. She said I just want space to think about what is happening and that she is so sorry for hurting me and stated that she doesn't ever want to hurt me again so I asked her to leave and she cried her eyes out and left. I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug and she cried and said I'm so sorry.


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## Evinrude58

Broken32 said:


> Idk she swears to me that she didn't do anything physically with him but is more upset with herself in how she started to let feelings in for someone else. She said I just want space to think about what is happening and that she is so sorry for hurting me and stated that she doesn't ever want to hurt me again so I asked her to leave and she cried her eyes out and left. I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug and she cried and said I'm so sorry.


She left and she’s headed straight for him.
She’s lying like a rug.
Please understand that you can’t trust a single word a cheater says.

you should have her bags packed and all her stuff available for pickup so you can make a statement that won’t be forgotten when she returns. The bigger bomb you set off on her world, the better chance you have of getting her back.

you told her you loved her and gave hers hug right before she headed off for her fairytale with her new man. Don’t do this!
Don’t sabotage yourself. Show her nothing but a grey rock where she once had a loving husband.


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## GusPolinski

Broken32 said:


> Idk she swears to me that she didn't do anything physically with him but is more upset with herself in how she started to let feelings in for someone else. She said I just want space to think about what is happening and that she is so sorry for hurting me and stated that she doesn't ever want to hurt me again so I asked her to leave and she cried her eyes out and left. I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug and she cried and said I'm so sorry.


She’s very likely lying.

The next time you see her (don’t do this over the phone), tell her that you want to see her phone, email, social media, etc. Once you have the phone in hand, look through any and all messaging apps. If you don’t see anything incriminating, run recovery software (Wondershare Dr. Fone is a popular option for iPhones) against the phone.

This will likely sound “controlling” to you. It’s not meant to be. The entire point is not to “control” her but rather to discover the truth regarding her relationship with this other guy so that you can make informed decisions regarding your future with her.

“But she’s being honest. Why would she lie?”

Waywards always lie. Sometimes the lies are small, sometimes they’re big (this is usually the case), but the lies are always told with a single purpose — so that they’re able to keep all their options open.

Case in point — she knows that if she tells you that they’ve made out, or that they’ve had oral sex, or that they’ve had full-on PIV sex, that this will likely result in losing you as an option.

EAs with co-workers, friends, customers, etc (APs — i.e. affair partners — with whom there is actual, physical proximity) ALWAYS become physical. Maybe not at first, but by the time she’s seriously questioning her feelings for you, then definitely.

Sorry man.


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## Evinrude58

GusPolinski said:


> She’s very likely lying.
> 
> The next time you see her (don’t do this over the phone), tell her that you want to see her phone, email, social media, etc. Once you have the phone in hand, look through any and all messaging apps. If you don’t see anything incriminating, run recovery software (Wondershare Dr. Fone is a popular option for iPhones) against the phone.
> 
> This will likely sound “controlling” to you. It’s not meant to be. The entire point is not to “control” her but rather to discover the truth regarding her relationship with this other guy so that you can make informed decisions regarding your future with her.
> 
> “But she’s being honest. Why would she lie?”
> 
> Waywards always lie. Sometimes the lies are small, sometimes they’re big (this is usually the case), but the lies are always told with a single purpose — so that they’re able to keep all their options open.
> 
> Case in point — she knows that if she tells you that they’ve made out, or that they’ve had oral sex, or that if they’ve had full-on PIV sex, that this will likely result in losing you as an option.
> 
> EAs with co-workers, friends, customers, etc (APs — i.e. affair partners — with whom there is actual, physical proximity) ALWAYS become physical. Maybe not at first, but by the time she’s seriously questioning her feelings for you, then definitely.
> 
> Sorry man.


Concise and accurate.


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## oldshirt

GusPolinski said:


> EAs with co-workers, friends, customers, etc (APs — i.e. affair partners — with whom there is actual, physical proximity) ALWAYS become physical. Maybe not at first, but by the time she’s seriously questioning her feelings for you, then definitely.
> 
> Sorry man.


Yes this above. 

@Broken32 you've got to stop thinking of her as this delicate little emotional butterfly that is lost and confused about her "feelings." She knows damn well what she is doing and what she is risking and what she is throwing away. 

She's a 32 year old adult wife and mother of two, do you really think she is doing all of this because some guy in the office looks good in business casual and has a charming smile???? C'mon man, you are just trying to comfort yourself and embrace denial. 

She has disconnected from her husband and walked out of her family home, presumably leaving her two minor children in the house. Do you really think an adult woman and mother would do this if there wasn't something very serious going on? 
Women may on average be a bit more emotional than men, but to leave her house and family and leave her children behind? Uh Uh. Use your head. There is schlong involved here and likely even some promises in the dark. 

Now 95% chance he's not going to keep those promises after he cums, but like I said above, mothers do not leave the fathers of their young children and do not walk out of their houses unless there is serious abuse, alcohol/drug addition, tor otal abandonment by the husband unless they are going to the open arms of someone that they think is a bigger, better deal. 
And you don't think someone is a bigger, better deal until they have either made a sound offer or have made them see stars.


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## Evinrude58

OP is in shock and can’t see reality. Been there myself. Every nice thing or nice word for her will weaken him in her eyes. She needs to see him as a ferociously angry, but silent and cold beast right now. He’s likely to show her his gentle, protective, coddling duck wing for her to hide under.


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## oldshirt

Broken32 said:


> I asked her to leave and she cried her eyes out and left. I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug and she cried and said I'm so sorry.


Now I do need to congratulate you on having the giblets to ask her to leave and letting her walk out the door with all the waterworks flowing. 

The vast majority of the guys would have been pleading with her to stay and they would have been doing the Pick Me Dance and trying to negotiate her into picking them. We've all been there done that at some point and have learned the hard way that that is just how you get manipulated and walked on and taken for a ride. Learn from our mistakes. 

Taking a hard line against being one of three people in your marriage and having the strength to stand up for yourself and your own best interests is the only way you survive. 

All things considered, you're actually doing pretty well thus far. Don't cave in and backpedal! And don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth that you can not prove on paper. All cheaters are liers and liers lie.


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## Captain Obvious

Most women wouldn’t blow up their marriage and family over a simple crush that hasn’t been acted upon in some way. Even if by some chance she hasn’t crossed the physical threshold with workplace Romeo, it sounds like she is deeply connected to him emotionally.


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## oldshirt

Captain Obvious said:


> Most women wouldn’t blow up their marriage over a simple crush that hasn’t been acted upon in some way. Even if by some chance she hasn’t crossed the physical threshold with workplace Romeo, it sounds like she is deeply connected to him emotionally.


I would go so far as to say NO mother would. 

There's really only a few exceptions to when a mother of young children would leave the house and family where there is NOT another man (or woman) involved. 

Those would be when the husband is very abusive and posing an actual risk to the children or her very life. Or where the husband is an alcoholic/drug addict, is chronically unemployed or where he himself has completely checked out and essentially abandoned the family. 

The other is where the wife herself is an actual schizophrenic or psychopath or very severe personality disorder and has no grasp on reality at all and thinks that there are magic pixie elves in the garden that will take her away to Neverland if she leaves the family behind. 

But in the cases of the wife's mental illness, that would be something that has been ongoing and an issue for years and years. 

In this case, the OP has stated all seemed well and normal life up until a couple weeks ago. 

So assuming the OP is not abusive or an addict himself, Either she suffered some kind of severe head trauma a few weeks ago. Or she's had her ankles over someone else's shoulders in the last few weeks. 

Which is the more believable scenario?


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## Diana7

Say that you want her to take a lie detector test. See what her reaction is.


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## GusPolinski

Captain Obvious said:


> Most women wouldn’t blow up their marriage and family over a simple crush that hasn’t been acted upon in some way. Even if by some chance she hasn’t crossed the physical threshold with workplace Romeo, *it sounds like she is deeply connected to him emotionally.*


Know what creates, fosters, and deepens such a connection?

SEX!!!


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## oldshirt

GusPolinski said:


> Know what creates, fosters, and deepens such a connection?
> 
> SEX!!!


Sex and promises of a future. 

Things are going to get very dicey once she realises the promises of the future were to get the sex (aka Future Faking. it's an actual thing) 

Things can get fugly in a hurry once she realises the branch she was planning on swinging to is no longer there. 

Get in your WayBack Machine, go back to yesterday and get a lawyer and get your wagons circled and your ducks in a row. 

When she turns up on your front door step crying in the rain with her make up running down her face begging to come back, you will feel like you have won,, but the real battle may just be beginning.


----------



## Marc878

Broken32 said:


> Well it took everything I had and she finally said that she started having feelings for someone she works with but has not touched or did anything with yet. She said she does love me and doesn't know why this has happened because she loves everything about me and our family. I somehow stayed calm and said well you have a choice to make and its staying together happily with our family or run away from it all and you will probably make the worst decision of your life when you have everything right here. Know she wants space to think. All I'm going to think and get angry about is her going to work right next to this guy everyday. Broken but trying to hold on to what I believe can still work. Thanks for replies


Bud if you chase and or do the pick me dance they just move farther away. Get online and view your phone bill. Don’t be surprised at what you find.

Sounds like she wants space from you for her other man.
Get to an attorney and find out your rights in a divorce l
Sorry you’re here but you can only be a chump if you allow it.


----------



## Trident

Broken32 said:


> Idk she swears to me that she didn't do anything physically with him


All cheaters lie. Most betrayed spouses never see it coming. Don't believe a word she tells you even though it's what you desperately WANT to believe. It's easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend everything's going to be ok and she didn't really have sex with him or take him in her mouth but the odds are astronomically high that she has done exactly that.



Broken32 said:


> I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug


Don't beg. Don't tell the woman who has deceived you in the worst possible way that you love her. Don't hug her or otherwise show affection to this person who you don't know nearly as well as you think you do. It's self-demeaning and some day you'll kick yourself for it. She's not worth it. REALLY. You may not know this now but you'll figure it out, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Your marriage for all practical purposes is over. Your marriage is like the main character in the movie you just spent the better part of 2 hours watching, who gets shot in the heart and he's clutching his chest holding a wound which is rapidly staining his shirt an ever increasing circle of red. You want him to make it and he's still on his feet, staggering around thinking he'll live long enough to make it to the nearest ER, but you just know he's a goner.

Things may seem a bit calmer for a bit, she may go over the top to try and appease you. The sex might be better than it's been for as long as you can remember- but it's all a sham.


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## Marc878

Broken32 said:


> Never in my life I would have thought this would have happened to me. I always put 100% in my marriage and kids. I was always wanting to show her thats shes loved so much and gave her all my attention and wanted to be touchy. What wife wouldn't want that. I'm hurt so bad and feel so lost


Please don’t fall into the hopium trap of I love her so much she must love me too. Nope, it doesn’t work that way. Her actions show you that. Her words are meaningless.
I hope you wake up.


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## Rob_1

Broken32 said:


> I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug and she cried and said I'm so sorry.



Jesus, what the heck is wrong with today's men. Today's dudes don't have the slightest idea what is to be a man that have pride, self respect, dignity, confidence in themselves. They just stand there passively acting like a 50's wife, Meek and submissive while being cuckolded.

This OP instead of authoritatively telling the wife to pack her **** and leave, he sends her off giving her hugs, and asking to not go to the other dude, telling her that he loves her.

What's next? She heading off to sample the new meat to see if it will work out, then if it doesn't, coming back to pathetic husband who loves her and is willing to get sloppy seconds as long as he gets her back.

@Broken32 as a man that should have some self respect and dignity, the moment she told you the infamous ILYBINILWY, you should of understood that there's another man and immediately filed. Now that she's gone do you think for one moment that she's not getting together with the other dude. I mean, do you actually think that?

Now is the time to be a man that although deeply hurt is a man that will not put up with the disrespect, the punch to the gut and the betrayal. Time to show you have dignity and self respect. Serve her divorce papers. Communicate only through a lawyer. Protect yourself: from now on carry with you a VAR, because the time is coming when she's going to tried to take you for everything you have.

If you think that you're getting ready for what's coming, think again, your wife is miles ahead of you and you're only now getting ready. You need to catch up and fast dude, otherwise you're going to get thrown under the bus before you even realize what that heck happened to you.

Don't be that pathetic supplicant man that we all countless of time see in these forums.

Acting weak and supplicant won't get you anything. Being assertive, strong, and matter of fact will get you the best quick possible divorce before she gets out of the fog and starts to fight you. Use her cloudy emotions for the other man to your advantage to get what you want NOW.

Acting Meek and weak will only push her more and more to the other man, which undoubtedly she sees more Alpha, more attractive than the dude thst is weakly asking her to reconsider.
SHOCK AND AWE is how you should respond. Remember, she's miles ahead of you. Don't just stay there waiting frozen what she's going to do. You do not give her the option to make the decision, YOU DO make the decisions from now on.

Remember is better for children two happy homes and co-parenting parents, than a miserable one.

How could you take her back after she's been ****ed by another dude?
Is this what you want? sloppy seconds for her plan B: You.


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## Trident

Rob_1 said:


> This OP instead of authoritatively telling the wife to pack her **** and leave, he sends her off giving her hugs, and asking to not go to the other dude, telling her that he loves her.


Yes, it's cringeworthy. I cringed. At least twice.



Rob_1 said:


> Now is the time to be a man that although deeply hurt is a man that will not put up with the disrespect, the punch to the gut and the betrayal. Time to show you have dignity and self respect. Serve her divorce papers. Communicate only through a lawyer. Protect yourself: from now on carry with you a VAR, because the time is coming when she's going to tried to take you for everything you have.


You're absolutely correct however the Op likely won't be in a position to take your advice for quite some time. Some guys DO react that way- I've seen posts on this forum and others by the cheating wife- who is posting because when her husband found out about the affair he kicked her to the curb and she's desperate to try to win him back but he wants nothing to do with her. If that same guy reacted the way the Op did.. that wife would probably still be cheating. It's a sort of ironic twist but that's how it often goes. Human nature or whatever. We want what is difficult to obtain. 

That's how you do it. But if a guy reacts the way the Op has done, he's just not made of that sort of material. Or he is, but he's gotta process the shock and awe before he takes action. Meanwhile, with every misstep he takes now, that barge that's headed for the future is veering more and more off course. Regardless if the ultimate goal is reconciliation or divorce.Small bad decisions now have huge negative consequences later.


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## GusPolinski

Trident said:


> Yes, it's cringeworthy. I cringed. At least twice.
> 
> 
> 
> You're absolutely correct however the Op likely won't be in a position to take your advice for quite some time. Some guys DO react that way- I've seen posts on this forum and others by the cheating wife- who is posting because when her husband found out about the affair he kicked her to the curb and she's desperate to try to win him back but he wants nothing to do with her. If that same guy reacted the way the Op did.. that wife would probably still be cheating. It's a sort of ironic twist but that's how it often goes. Human nature or whatever. We want what is difficult to obtain.
> 
> That's how you do it. But if a guy reacts the way the Op has done, he's just not made of that sort of material. Or he is, but he's gotta process the shock and awe before he takes action. Meanwhile, with every misstep he takes now, that barge that's headed for the future is veering more and more off course. Regardless if the ultimate goal is reconciliation or divorce.Small bad decisions now have huge negative consequences later.


Hold up — she admitted to him that there is someone else and he told her to leave, after which she left in tears. Not exactly the milquetoast response that we usually see here.

There’s nothing wrong with “I love you, but I won’t tolerate this behavior. I need you to leave. While you’re gone, do us both a favor and don’t do anything to make this worse than it already is.”

All that’s left for him to do now is to get to the truth. Let’s help him with that.


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## Evinrude58

oldshirt said:


> Sex and promises of a future.
> 
> Things are going to get very dicey once she realises the promises of the future were to get the sex (aka Future Faking. it's an actual thing)
> 
> Things can get fugly in a hurry once she realises the branch she was planning on swinging to is no longer there.
> 
> Get in your WayBack Machine, go back to yesterday and get a lawyer and get your wagons circled and your ducks in a row.
> *
> When she turns up on your front door step crying in the rain with her make up running down her face begging to come back, you will feel like you have won,, but the real battle may just be beginning.*


Yes!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Evinrude58

Prepare, if you won’t listen and still talk to her:
She will say these phrases in some form:
“It was never anything physical”
“Our marriage was having problems long before I met peckerwood”
“It just happened. I didn’t mean for this to happen”.
“I haven’t been in love with you for a long time. I may have never truly been in love with you”.

That’s the kind of ******** she will come up with. She will eventually try to rewrite the marital history. She’ll spread bs about YOU.
You should, after getting the ok from your attorney, inform the people you know, and their employer IF it won’t affect the divorce decree.

you are cringing at the thought of divorce. Don’t. You must man up and protect yourself and your kids. Your wife is now your first enemy.


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## oldshirt

GusPolinski said:


> Hold up — she admitted to him that there is someone else and he told her to leave, after which she left in tears. Not exactly the milquetoast response that we usually see here.
> 
> There’s nothing wrong with “I love you, but I won’t tolerate this behavior. I need you to leave. While you’re gone, do us both a favor and don’t do anything to make this worse than it already is.”
> 
> All that’s left for him to do now is to get to the truth. Let’s help him with that.


I agree with this. It's a matter of frame and boundaries. 

Did the the OP handle this 100% perfectly? No, of course not. But better than 85% of the BHs that we get here? I think so, at least so far. 

But like I said, it's a matter of frame. If he asked to leave and then hugged her and told her he loved her but sent her out the door ANYWAY, that's some pretty powerful shyt there. 

That's saying I love you as a person but you can't be here in the home with me if your heart and your loins are with someone else. 

99.999999% chance she is contact with OM right now as we speak. If the OP maintains frame and says, "no you're not coming back. I told you as you were walking out the door with tears in your eyes not to be in contact with OM and yet you did it anyway, I'll set your stuff in the driveway, you can pick it up later." That's a powerful message and strong frame. 

Saying, "I love you and loved our life together, but I cannot accept this and this cannot be together while you have feelings for and are in contact with another man..." is a much more powerful message and will mess with her brain and sober her up to reality a lot faster than saying, "I hate you *****, get the F out!" 

Deep down she knows the latter is not really the truth and is a fit of anger and she will just use that as more excuse to get with OM. Her rationalization hamster will tell her he is mean and angry and abusive and controling and there for needs to screw the OM even harder tonight. 

But if he maintains frame, she also knows that the former is a reality and that she done F'd up.


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## Deejo

What is your relationship with her parents? 

If good, I'd recommend you call them and tell them that she likely needs their support. And tell them the simple truth, nothing more. She told you she no longer loves you, and started an affair with another man.

She will deny that's what it is.

If she is emotionally invested in a man other than her husband ... it's an affair.


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## Luckylucky

I think it’s great that you’ve asked her to leave and I hope you’re limiting contact. She has feelings for someone else, and maybe it hasn’t become physical. But the point is, you’re not her number one anymore. She’s living with you but in love with him. And I agree the best thing you can do is give her to him. 

We have a neighbour who is a similar age and also found someone else. The husband left and so far hasn’t looked back. We don’t see the kids anymore and the new guy isn’t coming around as much. But he was promising her he would move in, move closer etc. she went from glowing & vivacious to looking very haggard and old and tired in a matter of months. I don’t see the husband at all, I assume the kids are going there to see him. Her house is in disrepair now, she’s working full time but doesn’t look happy now. I feel for her ex. But he’s handled this with much dignity, though he must be in so much pain, just like you, he simply ended it immediately and let her go to the OM.


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## oldshirt

Deejo said:


> What is your relationship with her parents?
> 
> If good, I'd recommend you call them and tell them that she likely needs their support. And tell them the simple truth, nothing more. She told you she no longer loves you, and started an affair with another man.
> 
> She will deny that's what it is.
> 
> If she is emotionally invested in a man other than her husband ... it's an affair.


This is kind of a nuanced thing. 

I think it is important to be open and honest with the WS's family. Just stick to the facts - "We are not in the house together because she is involved with another man." Not - "she is a skanky, lying, cheating ho!" 

If her family approves of you and wants you to remain together, sometimes they can offer some support. But remember she is their daughter and will always ultimately support her even if they do not condone her infidelity. 

They may even question your behavior and your role in all of this. They may wonder if you did something to "make" her cheat. 

They may even be fearful during this process that you may be violent or abusive towards her or start drinking or stalking her etc. 

Now about disclosing to HIS family, that is a little different. While we always want our family's support, you need to go into this knowing that the moment you inform them she is cheating, they will forever have an ax to grind with her and they will never fully support her or your marriage again even if you choose to reconcile. They will make reconciliation difficult and will continue to do so for many years if not forever. 

They will never again give her any benefit of the doubt. If they stop by your house and she is picking up the kids from school, they will give you a 'look' and ask, "is she REALLY picking up the kids????" 

And they will always question your judgement and question if you are manning up and taking care of yourself and not letting yourself get walked on and manipulated. 

Whether it's your inlaws or your own family, these situations can get very tenuous and volatile so tread carefully and mindfully and choose your words and your tone carefully with both inlaws and your family.


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## DownByTheRiver

Broken32 said:


> Idk she swears to me that she didn't do anything physically with him but is more upset with herself in how she started to let feelings in for someone else. She said I just want space to think about what is happening and that she is so sorry for hurting me and stated that she doesn't ever want to hurt me again so I asked her to leave and she cried her eyes out and left. I stopped her and said where ever u go please don't go to him and she said I don't even know where he lives. Than I told her I loved her and gave her a hug and she cried and said I'm so sorry.


Women are less likely to just jump into a physical affair than men are and they certainly can get all wrapped up emotionally even if the interest is not returned. I guess she'd have told you if he wasn't even available (married) or returning her interest. I do think it would be nice to know if he's aware of her emotional attachment to him because it could just be a one-way crush. Not saying she hasn't cheated, but unlike many on this forum, I just don't think women do it as much as men because their attachment is more emotional. You need to find out if she and him have been going out alone together to lunch or whatever to give you an inkling of his interest. Although I have to say I've been to lunch with huge amounts of men I wasn't dating when I was working with them, so that alone doesn't mean anything. You deserve more info, though.


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## Luckylucky

DownByTheRiver said:


> Women are less likely to just jump into a physical affair than men are and they certainly can get all wrapped up emotionally even if the interest is not returned. I guess she'd have told you if he wasn't even available (married) or returning her interest. I do think it would be nice to know if he's aware of her emotional attachment to him because it could just be a one-way crush. Not saying she hasn't cheated, but unlike many on this forum, I just don't think women do it as much as men because their attachment is more emotional. You need to find out if she and him have been going out alone together to lunch or whatever to give you an inkling of his interest. Although I have to say I've been to lunch with huge amounts of men I wasn't dating when I was working with them, so that alone doesn't mean anything. You deserve more info, though.


I agree with the physical thing, but I think emotional affairs are deadly for us. Because we are emotional creatures. I’ve known women to mentally hold onto men they knew and never slept with, or slept with once. Or crushed on a man who spoke to them nicely a few times. It’s dangerous.

Does a man want a wife sleeping next to him like this? She’s often not sleeping, she’s waiting for her husband to snore so she can think about the other one. She’s sometimes silently crying while he’s snoring, because she can’t be with the one her heart belongs to. She’s purposely gone to bed later, claiming housework, so she can avoid having sex with him, because she secretly has feelings for someone else. 

Does a man want a wife like this, even if she’s never had sex outside the marriage?


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## oldshirt

DownByTheRiver said:


> Women are less likely to just jump into a physical affair than men are and they certainly can get all wrapped up emotionally even if the interest is not returned. I guess she'd have told you if he wasn't even available (married) or returning her interest. I do think it would be nice to know if he's aware of her emotional attachment to him because it could just be a one-way crush. Not saying she hasn't cheated, but unlike many on this forum, I just don't think women do it as much as men because their attachment is more emotional. You need to find out if she and him have been going out alone together to lunch or whatever to give you an inkling of his interest. Although I have to say I've been to lunch with huge amounts of men I wasn't dating when I was working with them, so that alone doesn't mean anything. You deserve more info, though.


OK but you need to look at her behavior at home. Would a woman who has NOT gone to the physical level with a coworker and who has not had discussions with him about their future (even if he was lying to get in her pants) shut down at home for weeks and admit to her husband of having feelings for another man and then voluntarily leave the marital home and presumably leave the kids in the house? 

Again, assuming the OP is a good man, husband and father and not himself an abuser or a drunk etc, would a mother of a 7 and an 11 year walk out of the home if she did not believe she would be going into the arms of another man???

We can argue whether women have physical affairs at the same rate as men or not. But I don't think there is much wiggle room in the fact that mothers of young children don't leave their homes unless they believe they have a soft place to land.


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## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> OK but you need to look at her behavior at home. Would a woman who has NOT gone to the physical level with a coworker and who has not had discussions with him about their future (even if he was lying to get in her pants) shut down at home for weeks and admit to her husband of having feelings for another man and then voluntarily leave the marital home and presumably leave the kids in the house?
> 
> Again, assuming the OP is a good man, husband and father and not himself an abuser or a drunk etc, would a mother of a 7 and an 11 year walk out of the home if she did not believe she would be going into the arms of another man???
> 
> We can argue whether women have physical affairs at the same rate as men or not. But I don't think there is much wiggle room in the fact that mothers of young children don't leave their homes unless they believe they have a soft place to land.


And I will further add that if this dude does take her in, that is 100% proof that it has gone to that level because no man on earth is going to take in some woman with little kids and an upcoming custody battle and divorce chaos etc etc unless there is poon involved and a lot of it. 

Only a completely desperate and pathetic simp would take in a mother with young kids without getting the good stuff first However no woman with young kids would leave a non abusive husband and kids for completely desperate and pathetic simp. 

So no matter how you slice it, if a dude is taking in a woman with young kids, it's because she is banging him. It can't get any more simple or straightforward than that.


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## DownByTheRiver

Luckylucky said:


> I agree with the physical thing, but I think emotional affairs are deadly for us. Because we are emotional creatures. I’ve known women to mentally hold onto men they knew and never slept with, or slept with once. Or crushed on a man who spoke to them nicely a few times. It’s dangerous.
> 
> Does a man want a wife sleeping next to him like this? She’s often not sleeping, she’s waiting for her husband to snore so she can think about the other one. She’s sometimes silently crying while he’s snoring, because she can’t be with the one her heart belongs to. She’s purposely gone to bed later, claiming housework, so she can avoid having sex with him, because she secretly has feelings for someone else.
> 
> Does a man want a wife like this, even if she’s never had sex outside the marriage?


Yes, it can be very intense. I don't really understand why men get more upset about the physical. It's certainly not a good situation. On the other hand something could happen to make her go cold on this guy at work too.


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## DownByTheRiver

oldshirt said:


> OK but you need to look at her behavior at home. Would a woman who has NOT gone to the physical level with a coworker and who has not had discussions with him about their future (even if he was lying to get in her pants) shut down at home for weeks and admit to her husband of having feelings for another man and then voluntarily leave the marital home and presumably leave the kids in the house?
> 
> Again, assuming the OP is a good man, husband and father and not himself an abuser or a drunk etc, would a mother of a 7 and an 11 year walk out of the home if she did not believe she would be going into the arms of another man???
> 
> We can argue whether women have physical affairs at the same rate as men or not. But I don't think there is much wiggle room in the fact that mothers of young children don't leave their homes unless they believe they have a soft place to land.


I just believe some would and some wouldn't. He really needs more information about if the man is all that involved with her or not or if this is her catching feels. Both men and women, especially if there is something off at home, which they're probably almost always is, can start projecting their ideal onto someone just like they did when they were single. They can just start yearning and hoping that person is their ideal and get all carried away just like they do when they're single. 

So it's just kind of important to find out how much of a participant he is.


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## frusdil

OP I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, I know some of the other comments are hard to read, and may seem harsh, unfortunately they aren't wrong. We've seen this exact scenario play out here many, many times.

I'm glad you asked her to leave, that was absolutely the right thing to do. I understand why you hugged her and told her you love her, you're feeling out of control, and desperate, don't beat yourself up over it, it's done. Just make sure it doesn't happen again. 

You need to see a few attorneys asap, to get your ducks in a row, know your rights and protect yourself and your children. You don't necessarily need to take action right now (though personally I think you should, it will show her you mean business), but knowledge is power. Take your power back. You are a MAN, a husband, a FATHER. You can do this.

I would also come to a written agreement with your wife over access to the children, and you need to insist that the POSOM is *never* around them. It's all still so raw, it will be very confusing for them. This too, will show your wife you mean business. 

Again, I'm so very sorry for your pain, please know that no matter what happens, in the long run you WILL be just fine.


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## LATERILUS79

Make sure you file for divorce on Monday. It can always be stopped of your wife pulls her head out of her butt. 

But it sends a very harsh message to your wife. Very harsh. It tells her immediately that you will not be a lap dog. It also ,eans she is going to be on edge. The last thing she wants is for her safe option to go away while she tries to monkey branch to this other guy. Cheaters hate that. 

Serve her At work. That will let the other guy know as well. No way he will want your wife after that. He just wants sex. He doesn't want to have to take care of her. That's your job. If he sees her getting served with divorce papers, he will drop her like a hot potato.


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## Luckylucky

LATERILUS79 said:


> Make sure you file for divorce on Monday. It can always be stopped of your wife pulls her head out of her butt.
> 
> But it sends a very harsh message to your wife. Very harsh. It tells her immediately that you will not be a lap dog. It also ,eans she is going to be on edge. The last thing she wants is for her safe option to go away while she tries to monkey branch to this other guy. Cheaters hate that.
> 
> Serve her At work. That will let the other guy know as well. No way he will want your wife after that. He just wants sex. He doesn't want to have to take care of her. That's your job. If he sees her getting served with divorce papers, he will drop her like a hot potato.


I do agree with this. Can make you very attractive to your wife and really bring reality into sharp focus. Meaning you’re no fool, and not willing to settle for less. Male or female, who wants to sit around and wait for their wishy washy spouse to decide between two people?


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## mickybill

Do not contact her, do not text her, do not say I'm worried, hope that you are all right, do not cry and hug when/if she comes home in a couple days.

I doubt any mother of 2 kids would run out ot the house for a man who she just has some feelings for. Sounds like has been gone all weekend "thinking".
If her BF is married he might only have limited time for her. When/if she comes home on Sunday night have her stuff out of the bedroom that you share. Either ready to go with her when she leaves or just to the guest room for a while.
Let her know that she is free to explore her feelings for the new guy but not as your wife, download the divorce forms from the county, have them on the table.


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## Laurentium

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't really understand why men get more upset about the physical.


This is the mystery of the universe. Men and women are (sorry about the political incorrectness) different. Men do think sex is important. And speaking for myself, we men don't understand why on earth women, who are often so sensible and practical, take advice from a bunch of feelings that are usually transitory and usually give very bad advice (as in this case).

It's like the woman is saying, hmm, I tried some crystal meth. Who shall I become? Slightly boring married mother of two, or crystal-meth-addict-woman? Hmm. The meth _feels _really right for me_._ I have to listen to my feels!

So to many men, if a couple like each other, are good friends, and are having sex, that'll do. If the OPs wife is having sex with the OM, then from a man's point of view, they are to all intents already a couple. The woman thinks the question facing her is "_which man?"_ But really it isn't.


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## In Absentia

DownByTheRiver said:


> Women are less likely to just jump into a physical affair than men are and they certainly can get all wrapped up emotionally even if the interest is not returned.


I don't think she would have told him if the affair wasn't physical. If it's just a crush, then get over it and keep quiet. No need to ruin your marriage, especially when you have young kids.


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## Laurentium

In Absentia said:


> If it's just a crush, then get over it


Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying. Unfortunately, the W isn't here to read it.
If the OM is flirting with her or more, and he knows she's married, then she _already knows_ he's not of good character, and won't be a workable long-term partner. He's the meth.


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## Laurentium

It's funny being in the UK timezone. By the time I saw this thread, all the advice had already been given by the regulars, there wasn't much for me to add.


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## In Absentia

Laurentium said:


> It's funny being in the UK timezone. By the time I saw this thread, all the advice had already been given by the regulars, there wasn't much for me to add.


Yep! We get here too late...


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## Blondilocks

Laurentium said:


> And speaking for myself, we men don't understand why on earth* women, who are often so sensible and practical, take advice from a bunch of feelings that are usually transitory and usually give very bad advice (as in this case).*


They don't. They act on the same impulse as men - lust. They think that by couching the lust in the terms of 'feelings' that it will go down easier for their partner. Plus, they won't look like they're promiscuous because of "the heart wants what the heart wants" nonsense.

A comment was made about monkey-branching and that is something distinct to women and not men. Au contraire, there are threads on this forum right now illustrating that men monkey-branch. Crappy behavior is genderless.

Your wife wants to try on a new penis. Sorry.


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## Benbutton

One thing I'd like to add OP is that what you are going through is nothing special. It's not different and it's not unique. It's very much the same as every other occurrence of infidelity. You must treat it as such and don't go thinking "oh but this is different...she's just confused, she just needs space". Take this time to change your attitude and become less safe. When she comes back, it will now be your turn to take space to "think about things".


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## Rob_1

DownByTheRiver said:


> . I don't really understand why men get more upset about the physical.


Pure and simple biology. Men can't give birth, women do, hence the eternal fight in a man's consciousness: Am I the child father? 
This is what drives a man to take the physical betrayal as #1 in his list of no-no's.


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## SunCMars

Laurentium said:


> It's funny being in the UK timezone. By the time I saw this thread, all the advice had already been given by the regulars, there wasn't much for me to add.


That is when you need to be creative, not the parrot, and not one annoying.

Taint' easy,
Nope.


The Typist-


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## DownByTheRiver

In Absentia said:


> I don't think she would have told him if the affair wasn't physical. If it's just a crush, then get over it and keep quiet. No need to ruin your marriage, especially when you have young kids.


That's how I feel. But there are people who have no self control and must spew.


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## LATERILUS79

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, it can be very intense. I don't really understand why men get more upset about the physical. It's certainly not a good situation. On the other hand something could happen to make her go cold on this guy at work too.


you want what you can’t have - or more to the point: women give sex for love and men give love for sex.
Men get hung up on the physical because we have to work so hard to get it (most of us do). For our woman to give it away so easily to someone that didn’t work for it absolutely crushes us. Any woman can walk into a crowded place and raise her hand and say “sex, anyone?”. It is that easy. The vast majority of men can’t do this.

just the same, women get more hung up on the emotional side because it is hard work to get commitment and love out of men that they want. Men become more desirable if they don’t give away their love and commitment so easily.


quite simply, men and women are different regardless of what modern society tells us.


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## SunCMars

LATERILUS79 said:


> Quite simply, *men and women are different* regardless of what modern society tells us.


That tune has been sung in so many ways that it is no longer recognizable.

We are actually, more alike, than different.
Men and women are not different species, just different in our 'gendered' needs, not so much our human wants.

Needs are needs, wants are multi-faceted, and variable.

Of course there is a genetic aspect to these differences.

Men have more Testosterone, women more Estrogen.
Each, have some of the other hormone in them.

One is more aggressive making, the other, more nurturing.
There is a lot of response variation going on with these.


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## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, it can be very intense.l. It's certainly not a good situation. On the other hand something could happen to make her go cold on this guy at work too.





Blondilocks said:


> They don't. They act on the same impulse as men - lust. They think that by couching the lust in the terms of 'feelings' that it will go down easier for their partner. Plus, they won't look like they're promiscuous because of "the heart wants what the heart wants" nonsense.
> 
> A comment was made about monkey-branching and that is something distinct to women and not men. Au contraire, there are threads on this forum right now illustrating that men monkey-branch. Crappy behavior is genderless.
> 
> Your wife wants to try on a new penis. Sorry.


I agree. With all of this. Men monkey branch too.


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## LisaDiane

Blondilocks said:


> A comment was made about monkey-branching and that is something distinct to women and not men. Au contraire, there are threads on this forum right now illustrating that men monkey-branch. Crappy behavior is genderless.


This is VERY true. I know two men personally who "monkey-branched", and I never did, with either relationship that I ended. 
For now, I am alone (and feeling just fine with it).

I don't really focus on monkey-branching as the issue, for men or women. If they are cheating, whether they try to "spin plates" or "monkey-branch", they are lousy people with very poor character.


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## DownByTheRiver

LATERILUS79 said:


> you want what you can’t have - or more to the point: women give sex for love and men give love for sex.
> Men get hung up on the physical because we have to work so hard to get it (most of us do). For our woman to give it away so easily to someone that didn’t work for it absolutely crushes us. Any woman can walk into a crowded place and raise her hand and say “sex, anyone?”. It is that easy. The vast majority of men can’t do this.
> 
> just the same, women get more hung up on the emotional side because it is hard work to get commitment and love out of men that they want. Men become more desirable if they don’t give away their love and commitment so easily.
> 
> 
> quite simply, men and women are different regardless of what modern society tells us.


With your statement that men give Love for sex. I think they give sex for sex and call that love.

They need to realize that women don't go and raise their hand asking for sex because sex isn't usually what women want specifically. That's what men want. And in reality if a woman did do that which I have never seen one who did, most people would just look at her like she was crazy. Those men don't understand that women don't have the same goal and motivation as they do so they stop being suspicious of them and thinking that any chance they got they will take because that's them projecting how they would be and in most cases not how the woman is.

I think the best hope for a relationship to last as if the people have something in common as far as interests to keep each other stimulated besides sex.


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## DownByTheRiver

LATERILUS79 said:


> you want what you can’t have - or more to the point: women give sex for love and men give love for sex.
> Men get hung up on the physical because we have to work so hard to get it (most of us do). For our woman to give it away so easily to someone that didn’t work for it absolutely crushes us. Any woman can walk into a crowded place and raise her hand and say “sex, anyone?”. It is that easy. The vast majority of men can’t do this.
> 
> just the same, women get more hung up on the emotional side because it is hard work to get commitment and love out of men that they want. Men become more desirable if they don’t give away their love and commitment so easily.
> 
> 
> quite simply, men and women are different regardless of what modern society tells us.


With your statement that men give Love for sex. I think they give sex for sex and call that love.

They need to realize that women don't go and raise their hand asking for sex because sex isn't usually what women want specifically. That's what men want. And in reality if a woman did do that which I have never seen one who did, most people would just look at her like she was crazy


Evinrude58 said:


> I agree. With all of this. Men monkey branch too.


Men don't just monkey branch, they set up whole colonies and just keep them going...


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## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> With your statement that men give Love for sex. I think they give sex for sex and call that love.
> 
> They need to realize that women don't go and raise their hand asking for sex because sex isn't usually what women want specifically. That's what men want. And in reality if a woman did do that which I have never seen one who did, most people would just look at her like she was crazy
> 
> Men don't just monkey branch, they set up whole colonies and just keep them going...


I have women asking for sex all the time, and I’m no Super handsome dude. Bald, average looks in general. I disagree. Yes, women do want sex. You may not want sex, but lots of other women do. Lots. 
Both men and women want to find a person to love. Women don’t have a patent on desiring an emotional connection, I assure you.


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## Kaliber

It would be great focusing on helping @Broken32 in his dark times!


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## Trident

GusPolinski said:


> Hold up — she admitted to him that there is someone else and he told her to leave, after which she left in tears. Not exactly the milquetoast response that we usually see here.
> 
> There’s nothing wrong with “I love you, but I won’t tolerate this behavior. I need you to leave. While you’re gone, do us both a favor and don’t do anything to make this worse than it already is.”


Except that's not what happened. He didn't say "I love you but I won't tolerate this behavior", he hugged her, told her he loved her and begged her not to go back to the other guy.

That's like launching a grenade over the wall and taking out some of the advancing soldiers but accidentally dropping one at your feet after pulling the pin.

A relationship with a cheating partner is like a war. You can't let some of the prisoners escape.


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## MattMatt

Kaliber said:


> It would be great focusing on helping @Broken32 in his dark times!


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## GusPolinski

Trident said:


> Except that's not what happened. He didn't say "I love you but I won't tolerate this behavior", he hugged her, told her he loved her and begged her not to go back to the other guy.
> 
> That's like launching a grenade over the wall and taking out some of the advancing soldiers but accidentally dropping one at your feet after pulling the pin.
> 
> A relationship with a cheating partner is like a war. You can't let some of the prisoners escape.


Geez. It’s nuance.


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## re16

Sorry you are here, you've received some great advice so far.

This is very likely a physical affair for her to be so deep in the fog to actually give you the 'I love you but not in love' line - classic cheater script. That is tough to hear or accept, but you need to get there, we've seen this over and over here.

You should do some recon to try to figure out whats really going on.

You are doing the right thing by telling her to leave. You need to remain strong and do not coddle or accept this behavior (even if your current goal is to get her back).

I would be angry that she has thrown away the family life you spent so much effort on together for this guy and I would blow this up. I would go to HR and inform them. I would inform his wife or gf if he has one, hec I'd sure be having a loud conversation to him or about him at that office.

Do not just take this lying down.

That said, you'll likely never really trust her again ever. You'll always be wondering about what really happened. All that is very hard to recover from and only actually happens when the cheating spouse makes a monumental effort.

The fact that she wanted to think about it tells you where you at - you are Plan B and it sucks.


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## re16

Broken32 said:


> Idk she swears to me that she didn't do anything physically with him


Literally almost every story of full blown phyiscal affair on here includes a complete denial like this. Do not think for a second that her words are trustworthy in this.


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## Deejo

I've edited my post that had garnered unintended attention. Was wrong of me to use the words I did at the time. It was a lazy post.

I imagine that both Broken32 and his spouse are going through a tremendous amount of pain right now.


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## ABHale

I don’t think anyone gets to the point your wife is without it being physical. I don’t believe she would leaving you for someone else just because she started having feelings for them. Most of the time people ask for a separation or space to date and have sex with the other person without having to explain the time spent away from the family.

I don’t believe it when she said it hasn’t been physical.


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## marko polo

Your wife didn't walk out on your marriage just because she held hands with the other man.

They have been intimate repeatedly and she has bonded with him.

Work quickly with a lawyer to get favorable terms for yourself and your children while her judgement is clouded by the affair.


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## SunCMars

LisaDiane said:


> This is VERY true. I know two men personally who "monkey-branched", and I never did, with either relationship that I ended.
> For now, I am alone (and feeling just fine with it).
> 
> I don't really focus on monkey-branching as the issue, for men or women. If they are cheating, whether they try to "spin plates" or "monkey-branch", they are lousy people with very poor character.


The urge for many is (initially) to monkey branch. 
Who likes to be alone?

After some time, being alone can be refreshing, and less stressful.


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## GC1234

BigDaddyNY said:


> You need to divorce or seriously take charge if you want the marriage to go on. Top priority would be her getting another job and going 100% no contact with the OM. I would also press her for a polygraph asking if she has had sexual contact with anyone other than you since being married.


I second her getting another job and no contact. Let's hope she's not too far in.


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