# Don't Know What to Do



## mama24ninos+1 (Jul 11, 2010)

I have been married for 14yrs come Tuesday the 13th. We have 4 children(1 who has Down Syndrome). My husband is a good guy but just does not want to grow up. I am a stay at home mom and my H is self employed. We have been struggling for money for the past 3 yrs. I never wanted to be a stay @ home mom however it has been the best thing for our son who is doing well. 

The entire marriage we have danced with the idea of him leaving or him staying. Anytime he is broke and has no means of working he gets into a real funk and blames me and the kids for his life being so terrible. He tells me that he never wanted to be married, he didn't even think the marriage would last as long as it has. He tld me that I was not the only one while we were dating, that there was someone else he was pretty serious with and the only reason why he married me was b/c I got pregnant. And the only reason why he is with me now is because of the kids and "its cheaper to keep her". I feel as though he has cheated on me however I don't have any proof/evidence. 

All in all I believe the one reason why our marriage is going so badly is b/c he still wants to hang out, drink, smoke have fun where as the day I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child I choose to grow up. I don't have a problem with him doing the things he wants to do(we all mature at different periods in our lives)however I do want him to realize the importance of marriage. Realize I did not ask him to marry me he asked me and to step up to the plate...he always says "marriage has not done anything for me but bring misery", "what have I gained..nothing!" Well in all truth I am the one who gained nothing...he could not even pick up where my parent left off. We have no health, dental or life insurance, and his mother is paying the mortgage where we live. 

I am sick & tired of crying and the tears. I am tired of him holding the idea of divorce over my head, knowing I am giving everything I have into this marriag. He left me and the children about 4 months ago. The children were very upset and they prayed and prayed and he finally came back. He said he was going to work at it, but as soon as times get rough he wants to bail again and remind me about how I ruined his plans. He does not want to do anything together, or do anything with the children outside of our home. He calls me "The Regulator".

Well I am tired...Here is my issue...I don't believe in Divorce. I believe God can fix anything however I don't feel I can wait for his timing. So how do I get the courage to leave my husband with nothing but debt & 4 children in front of me????? I feel so stuck and helpless that I can't think straight...I don't know what to do. These kids absolutely adore him....I am the parent(discipline, educate, sport mom) where he is the cool, fun, practical joke playing dad. My children are 13,12,6,& 21months, they feel safe when he is here. My son asks everyday since he has come back "Dad are you coming home tonight". How do I hang in there for the kids inspite of what they are seeing. I just don't know what to do...Please help if you can...The love I thought I had is now turning into anger and hatred, where I don't even want him around and that is so not like me.

I apologize for the length I had to get it all out....


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through that. You are always going through some emotional abuse that leaves me concerned about your self esteem.

Even in Christianity, it's stated that a woman should not remain in an abusive situation. He may not hit you, but telling you that you ruined his life, that he wishes he wasn't married, etc... is emotionally hurtful to you and can be even more devastating that blatant abuse.

I know your children are hurting too. I would suggest to get into counseling to help you clarify your stance on what you really want and if he will join you, perhaps he will see how hurtful his behavior to you has been. If he won't join you, you will still be able to get the help you need, and learn how to help your children through this as they are all ready showing some major abandonment issues that aren't going to go away just by keeping this hurtful man in your house and I pray that he is not saying these things in front of, or to, your children.


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## mama24ninos+1 (Jul 11, 2010)

HapyHer
Thank you so much for being concerned...however this is my first time on this site....I thought it would be good for me to get some feedback on my situation as I read on others. 

I never looked at it like verbal abuse....but I guess it may be. Over the last few days I have noticed that I am trying my best to look at things differently for me as well as my children. I have to take control back. :smthumbup:
Thank you so much for the response...


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome mama! This site has a lot of great advice here. I hope you'll come back often as you work through these issues.

It is absolutely verbal/emotional abuse and it's wonderful that you are working on taking back control. I hope you have many supportive and wonderful people around you as I know this isn't an easy time for you.


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