# Sex with a stripper



## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Help me decipher this. My husband and I have been arrived for almost 6 years. 3 young kids together and I’m currently pregnant with twins. About 3 months ago something happened that pushed me over the edge and I put him out. There was no cheating but I just didn’t like something he did. We argued about it and I decided to put him out when he came home. I’m now finding out that on that night he was so upset as he says that he went to a strip club. He’s gone to strip clubs before so didn’t think much about it. I know he visited the vip room with a stripper. His first time ever I’m told. He says he was so drunk and was thinking straight but he allowed her to undo his pants and climb on top of him. He says it was no more than a minute but he asked her to stop and said he was not thinking clearly. There was no condom and he said she tried to leave to go get one and he said he couldn’t do that and just left. He says he was ashamed and didn’t want to tell me. And has tried to block it out. He has not been back to a strip club and tells me he won’t be going back. He also says that is why he stopped drinking. I didn’t realize that something had happened to make him stop.

now I’m finding this out 3 months later because Igot a sti. I had been complaining to my obgyn about symptoms and surely enough I tested positive for something. I’m fine now thank God but this cuts deep. I only know because of this.
After this happened 3 months ago we had a big fight not about cheating because I didn’t know at the time. He told me he wanted to counseling so we have been going weekly since and have been doing well. Now I know this and I’m having such a hard time processing it. I doubt everything now and I don’t trust him. To have paid for sex? Or almost sex? I don’t know. Do I believe that. Do I believe he realized what he was doing and stopped. How many men are strong enough to get out of that situation and just go? To go inside a stranger with no protection? You risked my life and your kids life. I don’t know honestly. I’m so yet and just can’t think straight. I think if I know all the details it may help me but I don’t know if that’s true. He says he’s broken it down for me every piece and all truth but I don’t know. I really believe it’s the first and only time he’s cheated since we have been married. Would you consider it cheating if he stopped? I’m a wreck and don’t what to think. I think it’s nasty and I don’t know if this is better or worst than if it had been a normal woman.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why didn't your OB check for STD's at the beginning of your pregnancy? That's when they usually do it, not when you're complaining. 

Who is dumb enough to stick their **** in someone as nasty as a stripper, and NOT get an STD test ASAP? 

If this is real, I'd lose him just on the basis on him being a complete idiot.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Oh, and yes, it's cheating. It doesn't matter if it was one time for one minute, or every day for 10 years. It doesn't matter if it was a kiss, a suck, or a ****. Cheating is cheating. 

Also, cheaters lie. All of them. So you'd be a fool to trust his story.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

First let me say that I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm a man and I've been drunk in the VIP rooms out the back of strip bars. They don't let you touch them and they wouldn't have sex with a man there that's for sure. In that situation the lady gave me her card and asked me to give her a call and I think she was just being nice. Guys don't walk into strip bars and pay for sex. They may go and see a prostitute in a brothel. I've known guys who've done just that but those girls are all medically checked regularly and insist on condoms etc. I know some dudes pay extra to not use protection but the workers wouldn't choose that by default. His whole story sounds completely made up. It's a cover story for something else. He's been having affair(s).


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

bobert said:


> Why didn't your OB check for STD's at the beginning of your pregnancy? That's when they usually do it, not when you're complaining.
> 
> Who is dumb enough to stick their **** in someone as nasty as a stripper, and NOT get an STD test ASAP?
> 
> If this is real, I'd lose him just on the basis on him being a complete idiot.


I was checked before this and of course everything was normal.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I was checked before this and of course everything was normal.


What's the timeline from the stripper, to you getting checked and being negative, then you testing positive?


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Goobertron said:


> First let me say that I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm a man and I've been drunk in the VIP rooms out the back of strip bars. They don't let you touch them and they wouldn't have sex with a man there that's for sure. In that situation the lady gave me her card and asked me to give her a call and I think she was just being nice. Guys don't walk into strip bars and pay for sex. They may go and see a prostitute in a brothel. I've known guys who've done just that but those girls are all medically checked regularly and insist on condoms etc. I know some dudes pay extra to not use protection but the workers wouldn't choose that by default. His whole story sounds completely made up. It's a cover story for something else. He's been having affair(s).


We have to acknowledge that while that is the rule at some not all places are liked that. I’ve been reading online for days now about what really happens in those vip rooms and both men and women say it does happen. Just depending on the place.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is just a mess.
If I am reading it right, this all happened well into your pregnancy.

What was your intentions when you threw your husband out of the house? Teach him a lesson or end the relationship.

Your husband cheated, no question about that.

You have to decide what you want now.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

bobert said:


> What's the timeline from the stripper, to you getting checked and being negative, then you testing positive?


so initial lab work/ swabs in April when I had my first prenatal appointment. Everything clean no issues. May is when we had our disagreement and when the strip club incident happened. I’m just finding out in August and had swabs Again and it was positive. I have had a baby pretty much every year or so since we have been married so I’ve had testing done each time obviously. Never had anything. He has Not gone out sinceMay.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He lied. He clearly boinked another woman and caught an std. don’t believe bs stories that don’t make sense. You can forgive him and try to move on, but I’d ask for a polygragh abd complete transparency with phones, etc.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

ABHale said:


> This is just a mess.
> If I am reading it right, this all happened well into your pregnancy.
> 
> What was your intentions when you threw your husband out of the house? Teach him a lesson or end the relationship.
> ...


I was only trying to teach him a lesson. I never thought this would happen. I want to get pass this. We have kids together and I love him. I just don’t know what I need or how to move on.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I've been in plenty of heated arguments with my wife and not once have I decided to go to a strip club, get drunk and have sex with a stripper. Very low class. Oh, and yes it's cheating.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

5 kids in 6 years, do you work? Is there an option to leave the marriage? Or are you forced into reconciliation? I would not stay in a marriage where there is cheating. I also don’t believe for a second a naked chick was riding him and he told her to get off of him after a minute. He could have already cum in the minute. Sex workers are there to please the clients. It usually doesn’t take too long.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> 5 kids in 6 years, do you work? Is there an option to leave the marriage? Or are you forced into reconciliation? I would not stay in a marriage where there is cheating. I also don’t believe for a second a naked chick was riding him and he told her to get off of him after a minute. He could have already cum in the minute. Sex workers are there to please the clients. It usually doesn’t take too long.


YeAh, there’s lots of guys that ask women to “get off me” after A minute. It’s just in some alternate universe and not actually on planet earth.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> We have to acknowledge that while that is the rule at some not all places are liked that. I’ve been reading online for days now about what really happens in those vip rooms and both men and women say it does happen. Just depending on the place.


He's had time to come up with an excuse for which he avoids ALL accountability. What he's saying is that a stripper didn't even ask permission to touch him and unzipped his pants and put his *** inside her and started having sex with him with no payment or consent.

This is utter BS. A sex worker would never do this. They want you to pay for a service. They want you to wear protection for them to be protected.

There's a real story that will eventually come to light as to how he got an STI. He has had non-protected consensual sex with someone around the time of your arguments. You should check his phone and email and consider leaving a personal listening/recording device in his car under the seat - that sort of thing. If it hasn't been stopped it's probably still happening.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bobert said:


> Why didn't your OB check for STD's at the beginning of your pregnancy? That's when they usually do it, not when you're complaining.
> 
> Who is dumb enough to stick their **** in someone as nasty as a stripper, and NOT get an STD test ASAP?
> 
> If this is real, I'd lose him just on the basis on him being a complete idiot.


Drunk as he could have been, it would take a minute to realize what the stripper did. I am guessing she wanted a big tip from very drunk man. It sounds like once he realized what was happening it was to late anyway.

He still should have gotten a STI test before being with his wife again.

Not all strippers are nasty. Very few would fit in that category.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> YeAh, there’s lots of guys that ask women to “get off me” after A minute. It’s just in some alternate universe and not actually on planet earth.


Yes the same planet where she bought him a drink afterwards and gave him her number because the next one is ‘on the house’.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> 5 kids in 6 years, do you work? Is there an option to leave the marriage? Or are you forced into reconciliation? I would not stay in a marriage where there is cheating. I also don’t believe for a second a naked chick was riding him and he told her to get off of him after a minute. He could have already cum in the minute. Sex workers are there to please the clients. It usually doesn’t take too long.


No I don’t work outside of our home. We are both God fearing people and while divorce has crossed my mind if I’m honest it’s not what I want. Because we are god fearing that’s partly why I believe he stopped it. He says he didn’t cum and the girl thought the issue was no condom but he told her he couldn’t and just left. I don’t know.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Drunk as he could have been, it would take a minute to realize what the stripper did.* I am guessing she wanted a big tip from very drunk man. It* sounds like once he realized what was happening it was to late anyway.
> 
> He still should have gotten a STI test before being with his wife again.
> 
> *Not all strippers are nasty*. Very few would fit in that category.


If this stripper is as you described, she’s pretty damn nasty. I’d bet he was with an old girlfriend or just banged the stripper and is minimizing, something pretty much everyone who has done an awful deed, tries to do.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I don’t work outside of our home. We are both God fearing people and while divorce has crossed my mind if I’m honest it’s not what I want. Because we are god fearing that’s partly why I believe he stopped it. He says he didn’t cum and the girl thought the issue was no condom but he told her he couldn’t and just left. I don’t know.


Personally, in this situation, I’d trust in the truth more than god. His story makes no sense. Men can have a hard time reaching an orgasm using a condom, not without. “Please get off of me and get a condom now”, said no man ever.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I don’t work outside of our home. We are both God fearing people and while divorce has crossed my mind if I’m honest it’s not what I want. Because we are god fearing that’s partly why I believe he stopped it. He says he didn’t cum and the girl thought the issue was no condom but he told her he couldn’t and just left. I don’t know.


He wasn’t acting too God- fearing when he chose to:
Go to a strip club
Get drunk
Go into the back room with a stripper
Put his **** inside her
Hide his behavior and give his wife an std.

no, your husband isn’t telling you the whole truth.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, as a God-fearing person he needs to stop drinking and visiting strippers and grow the * up since you want to stay with him. That’s a gift many women wouldn’t give.


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## Lynnevicious (Apr 25, 2021)

Ew. Sorry you’re going through this, op. Has your husband given any indication of an affair going on? ie protecting their phone, disappearing for lengths of time, passwords on phone, dressing nicer etc. 

That scenario could ABSOLUTELY happen in a strip club, where the majority of strippers are also prostitutes.

I don’t know if it makes a difference whether it was a stripper or a different woman.One of the other posters mentioned he’s lying maybe to cover his ass about the sti and adrunk stripper story is easier to accept than an affair.

Either way, stay on top of your health and get to the bottom of this, and whether you decide to stay or go, make sure you don’t rug sweep this.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He's not god fearing, he's not even STD fearing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I was only trying to teach him a lesson. I never thought this would happen. I want to get pass this. We have kids together and I love him. I just don’t know what I need or how to move on.


There are books out there that can help.

Talk your anger and hurt out with him.

It will take time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> If this stripper is as you described, she’s pretty damn nasty. I’d bet he was with an old girlfriend or just banged the stripper and is minimizing, something pretty much everyone who has done an awful deed, tries to do.


You can speculate all you want, it still isn’t the truth of what happened.

I would agree about this stripper, she gave OP’s husband a STD.

“I don’t believe your husband’s story, I will give you a better one to throw your life into more chaos.” Great help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The husband is a proven liar. Why would she believe any part of his story?
I went to a couple of strip joints as a young guy. Never did any stripper even unbutton my pants, and there’s no way they’d whip their unprotected pecker out and put it inside them. 
not at any strip joint I’ve even been to or heard of. That is total bs to me.

then again. I’m no modern strip joint expert and maybe strippers are nasty enough to whip out some guys noodle and stick it in their body.

she needs some truth. I vote polygragh.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Help me decipher this. My husband and I have been arrived for almost 6 years. 3 young kids together and I’m currently pregnant with twins. About 3 months ago something happened that pushed me over the edge and I put him out. There was no cheating but I just didn’t like something he did. We argued about it and I decided to put him out when he came home. I’m now finding out that on that night he was so upset as he says that he went to a strip club. He’s gone to strip clubs before so didn’t think much about it. I know he visited the vip room with a stripper. His first time ever I’m told. He says he was so drunk and was thinking straight but he allowed her to undo his pants and climb on top of him. He says it was no more than a minute but he asked her to stop and said he was not thinking clearly. There was no condom and he said she tried to leave to go get one and he said he couldn’t do that and just left. He says he was ashamed and didn’t want to tell me. And has tried to block it out. He has not been back to a strip club and tells me he won’t be going back. He also says that is why he stopped drinking. I didn’t realize that something had happened to make him stop.
> 
> now I’m finding this out 3 months later because Igot a sti. I had been complaining to my obgyn about symptoms and surely enough I tested positive for something. I’m fine now thank God but this cuts deep. I only know because of this.
> After this happened 3 months ago we had a big fight not about cheating because I didn’t know at the time. He told me he wanted to counseling so we have been going weekly since and have been doing well. Now I know this and I’m having such a hard time processing it. I doubt everything now and I don’t trust him. To have paid for sex? Or almost sex? I don’t know. Do I believe that. Do I believe he realized what he was doing and stopped. How many men are strong enough to get out of that situation and just go? To go inside a stranger with no protection? You risked my life and your kids life. I don’t know honestly. I’m so yet and just can’t think straight. I think if I know all the details it may help me but I don’t know if that’s true. He says he’s broken it down for me every piece and all truth but I don’t know. I really believe it’s the first and only time he’s cheated since we have been married. Would you consider it cheating if he stopped? I’m a wreck and don’t what to think. I think it’s nasty and I don’t know if this is better or worst than if it had been a normal woman.


If he was as drunk as he claimed to be, I seriously doubt he could have gotten it up to begin with. Your husband banged a stripper bc you got into an argument, not good.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I’d bet all the money I have that he didn’t have sex with a stripper at the club. No way in hell. But in his messed up mind, he thought you would believe that and buy his “victim” story. He obviously screwed someone else..maybe multiple women and got an STD.

Call his bluff and tell him you want him to file a complaint with the club manager about the stripper. And you’ll go with him to do so.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I don’t work outside of our home. We are both God fearing people and while divorce has crossed my mind if I’m honest it’s not what I want. Because we are god fearing that’s partly why I believe he stopped it. He says he didn’t cum and the girl thought the issue was no condom but he told her he couldn’t and just left. I don’t know.


Let's leave God out of this. Being God fearing didn't stop your husband from running to a stripper for sex or you throwing him out of his home and depriving your children of a father because you had your nose out of joint over something. 

You are both very immature and need to learn how to manage your emotions without resorting to drastic measures. You will have 5 children depending on you. Think about it. Also, think about birth control because if your marriage does end in divorce you will have a hard time managing all those children let alone more.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you can call it what you like to make it sound less in your mind , it was cheating 
any woman or man outside your relationship without you agreeing first is cheating ,
I got 10 girls pregnant but you can't hold me responsible because i was drinking at the time and my wife booted me out of the house


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Drowninginsorrow, what he did was pretty stupid and low down and you need to put the quietus on his azz. Just curious if it hadn't have been paid sex and the chick would have wanted and seduced him, would you be more inclined to forgive him, after a sufficient period of time? Based on my observation over decades, I think many woman would be more forgiving of a fling where the woman has a high attraction for the man than where the man visits a hooker.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There is so much wrong with this story. 

Strippers aren't oversexed, they're not horny and they don't initiate sex with normal, decent family men for their own jollys. And your husband is not Jason Mamoa or Channing Tatum that is so hot and handsome that chicks are losing control of themselves and climbing all over themselves. 

Strippers are there to extract as much money out of drunk, stupid losers that they can in as short amount of time possible so they can get their next hit of meth and try to keep their illegitimate kids from different fathers fed as well as manage to pay this month's rent so they're not tossed into the street. 

If this stripper story is true, that means he was a drunk, stupid loser who pulled out a big wad of green cash to sink it into some meth head that lets multiple drunk, stupid losers rent her vagina for cash a night. 

Or the other possibility is he just banged some nasty chick he knows and made up the story about the stripper thinking that you would give him a "Boys-Will-Be-Boys" pass. 

Either way, there is no silver lining here. There is no scenario that doesn't involve him being some kind of lying, cheating, creepy loser.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> The husband is a proven liar. Why would she believe any part of his story?
> I went to a couple of strip joints as a young guy. Never did any stripper even unbutton my pants, and there’s no way they’d whip their unprotected pecker out and put it inside them.
> not at any strip joint I’ve even been to or heard of. That is total bs to me.
> 
> ...


Why would you make one up to replace it?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Why would you make one up to replace it?


Well the stripper story is illogical so I think the OP needs to dig further for the truth so she knows what she is forgiving and a better judge of whether there will be a repeat performance.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Depends on the club.. South of the border and it becomes more believable. In the states, wouldn't they ask for pay before the act? 

Otherwise, the risk is so not worth the reward


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I don’t work outside of our home. We are both God fearing people and while divorce has crossed my mind if I’m honest it’s not what I want. Because we are god fearing that’s partly why I believe he stopped it. He says he didn’t cum and the girl thought the issue was no condom but he told her he couldn’t and just left. I don’t know.


What does it matter if he came? He was inside a prostitute.

You can definitely believe his words if you choose. He’s given you several indications he does not value you, your life, or your children’s, but people stay in many bad situations and they cook up all kinds of pretty fantasies to make it palatable. You can definitely do that.

When you say “We are God fearing, I want my marriage, I know it was only one time, he didn’t cum” and the like, what I hear is “I’m too scared to believe who he is.” 

The facts are, he cheated on you for payback. He had sex with a prostitute. He then came home and gave his wife, pregnant with twins an STD that could have killed them, or all three of you. And did you know he was inside a prostitute before you slept with him again and got the STD? I’m not clear on that.

So you’ll punish him and kick him out of your house for a fight about… whatever. But you’ll believe his meaningless words, and refuse to punish his actions when cheating with a prostitute and disregarding your life and that of your children? I would be murderous for that fact alone, you don’t mess with my kids. 

You both need help, on your own. Not to put the marriage back together, but as individuals. There is some deep, subversive dysfunction going on here with you two.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> What does it matter if he came? He was inside a prostitute.
> 
> You can definitely believe his words if you choose. He’s given you several indications he does not value you, your life, or your children’s, but people stay in many bad situations and they cook up all kinds of pretty fantasies to make it palatable. You can definitely do that.
> 
> ...


No I didn’t know before we had been together. This happened 3 months ago. I’m just finding out this week. Does it matter if he came or not... no but I guess it just makes me feel better that maybe he realized what he did and stopped. But I am just finding out now after more digging that she actually got off of him and asked him for a condom. He said he didn’t have one and that was the end of it. He says she only asked him if he wanted to go back there. There was no discussion of money and once back there he didn’t pay anything additional. I said that’s odd, she didn’t tell you how much to go back there. He said she knew he had it. But then he says he only have her about $200 in ones prior to. So it doesn’t make sense to me. That’s not a lot of money. I mean to some people it is but apparently she was so into him. I don’t know.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I didn’t know before we had been together. This happened 3 months ago. I’m just finding out this week. Does it matter if he came or not... no but I guess it just makes me feel better that maybe he realized what he did and stopped. But I am just finding out now after more digging that she actually got off of him and asked him for a condom. He said he didn’t have one and that was the end of it. He says she only asked him if he wanted to go back there. There was no discussion of money and once back there he didn’t pay anything additional. I said that’s odd, she didn’t tell you how much to go back there. He said she knew he had it. But then he says he only have her about $200 in ones prior to. So it doesn’t make sense to me. That’s not a lot of money. I mean to some people it is but apparently she was so into him. I don’t know. Also he said he waited a while for us to be intimate to make sure he showed no symptoms.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I didn’t know before we had been together. This happened 3 months ago. I’m just finding out this week. Does it matter if he came or not... no but I guess it just makes me feel better that maybe he realized what he did and stopped. But I am just finding out now after more digging that she actually got off of him and asked him for a condom. He said he didn’t have one and that was the end of it. He says she only asked him if he wanted to go back there. There was no discussion of money and once back there he didn’t pay anything additional. I said that’s odd, she didn’t tell you how much to go back there. He said she knew he had it. But then he says he only have her about $200 in ones prior to. So it doesn’t make sense to me. That’s not a lot of money*. I mean to some people it is but apparently she was so into him.* I don’t know.


She was “so into him”..... I don’t buy that. Those women are being ogled and drooled over by guys constantly during their job. Is your husband so impossibly handsome that he even attracts tired strippers while they’re at work? They do get paid to give fake attention, but to whip out his **** and put it inside them? Nah, I don’t think that’s reasonable. If so, why did he have to go to a strop club? No takers elsewhere?
You keep “digging”.... are you digging for info from him? Because it’s just going to be more lies or trickle truth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband was walking around with 200 $1 bills? Seriously? Have you thought about how much room that takes up?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Goobertron said:


> First let me say that I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm a man and I've been drunk in the VIP rooms out the back of strip bars. They don't let you touch them and they wouldn't have sex with a man there that's for sure. In that situation the lady gave me her card and asked me to give her a call and I think she was just being nice. Guys don't walk into strip bars and pay for sex. They may go and see a prostitute in a brothel. I've known guys who've done just that but those girls are all medically checked regularly and insist on condoms etc. I know some dudes pay extra to not use protection but the workers wouldn't choose that by default. His whole story sounds completely made up. It's a cover story for something else. He's been having affair(s).


That depends on the club, surely? However, I think husband is trying to sugar coat what he did. He probably got drunk and picked up a prostitute.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband was walking around with 200 $1 bills? Seriously? Have you thought about how much room that takes up?


Obviously no. He jus told me that is what he spent. Those places keep ones so I don’t know.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Obviously no. He jus told me that is what he spent. Those places keep ones so I don’t know.


I hope he wasn't doling them out 1 at a time - he'd get tennis elbow.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Help me decipher this. My husband and I have been arrived for almost 6 years. 3 young kids together and I’m currently pregnant with twins. About 3 months ago something happened that pushed me over the edge and I put him out. There was no cheating but I just didn’t like something he did. We argued about it and I decided to put him out when he came home. I’m now finding out that on that night he was so upset as he says that he went to a strip club. He’s gone to strip clubs before so didn’t think much about it. I know he visited the vip room with a stripper. His first time ever I’m told. He says he was so drunk and was thinking straight but he allowed her to undo his pants and climb on top of him. He says it was no more than a minute but he asked her to stop and said he was not thinking clearly. There was no condom and he said she tried to leave to go get one and he said he couldn’t do that and just left. He says he was ashamed and didn’t want to tell me. And has tried to block it out. He has not been back to a strip club and tells me he won’t be going back. He also says that is why he stopped drinking. I didn’t realize that something had happened to make him stop.
> 
> now I’m finding this out 3 months later because Igot a sti. I had been complaining to my obgyn about symptoms and surely enough I tested positive for something. I’m fine now thank God but this cuts deep. I only know because of this.
> After this happened 3 months ago we had a big fight not about cheating because I didn’t know at the time. He told me he wanted to counseling so we have been going weekly since and have been doing well. Now I know this and I’m having such a hard time processing it. I doubt everything now and I don’t trust him. To have paid for sex? Or almost sex? I don’t know. Do I believe that. Do I believe he realized what he was doing and stopped. How many men are strong enough to get out of that situation and just go? To go inside a stranger with no protection? You risked my life and your kids life. I don’t know honestly. I’m so yet and just can’t think straight. I think if I know all the details it may help me but I don’t know if that’s true. He says he’s broken it down for me every piece and all truth but I don’t know. I really believe it’s the first and only time he’s cheated since we have been married. Would you consider it cheating if he stopped? I’m a wreck and don’t what to think. I think it’s nasty and I don’t know if this is better or worst than if it had been a normal woman.


He's only telling you the tip of the iceberg. He had sex with a stripper or found himself another prostitute somewhere. He didn't get an sti from refusing sex with her. He got it from having sex with her. It's probably also not the first time if he's been going to strip clubs. I mean, come on, you really think all those guys go there just to get blue balls and walk away? Come on. I've heard there is a lot of wanking done in the bathrooms of strip clubs, but there is also a lot of lap dances and you can get anything you want there for a price, on or off premises.

Kick his lying cheating a** out and insist, as is the norm these days, he get 50/50 custody 3 1/2 days a week, two and a half days through the week and one weekend day, as is the norm and only fair so you both have the same chance to work and have a life. 

That will keep him busy. You need to separate your money asap because strip clubs and prostitutes are expensive. He's wasting your babies' money.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just saying..... me and all my buds walked away with “blue balls”.... of course, we went straight to the dance club hoping to find a willing participant later. I really don’t think most guys go to strip clubs looking for actual sex, but that’s just my experience and I could be wrong. Neither me nor a single friend I know has ever been with a prostitute that I know of. Obviously some guys use them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I hope he wasn't doling them out 1 at a time - he'd get tennis elbow.


One cannot get tennis elbow from doling out Dollars at strip clubs, I assure you. Horny men have super human powers. How can you not know this??? 😋


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

I don’t know everyone. I’m simply trying to make sense out of what I have been told. It hurts that he cheated I want to find away to move pass it but I literally can’t. I ask questions everyday. I just want to feel better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem is that what you’ve been told doesn’t make a lot of sense.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Obviously no. He jus told me that is what he spent. Those places keep ones so I don’t know.


What I've heard is people don't even use ones at strip clubs anymore, but hopefully someone can straighten me out. I've heard all you get for a one is a dirty look.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I don’t know everyone. I’m simply trying to make sense out of what I have been told. It hurts that he cheated I want to find away to move pass it but I literally can’t. I ask questions everyday. I just want to feel better.


Can't understand why this is something you'd like to "get past." Seriously. And any blubbering and groveling he may be doing about it is only because he feels sorry for himself for getting caught, not because he's truly remorseful, or he wouldn't have done it to begin with. He's just predictably sorry he got caught. Tell his mother.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> .....Now I know this and I’m having such a hard time processing it. I doubt everything now and I don’t trust him. To have paid for sex? Or almost sex? I don’t know. Do I believe that. Do I believe he realized what he was doing and stopped. How many men are strong enough to get out of that situation and just go? To go inside a stranger with no protection? You risked my life and your kids life. I don’t know honestly. I’m so yet and just can’t think straight. I think if I know all the details it may help me but I don’t know if that’s true. He says he’s broken it down for me every piece and all truth but I don’t know. I really believe it’s the first and only time he’s cheated since we have been married. Would you consider it cheating if he stopped? I’m a wreck and don’t what to think. I think it’s nasty and I don’t know if this is better or worst than if it had been a normal woman.


When I read stories like this or stories of a woman seeing an "ex" having a drink and then "one-thing-leads-to-another" I always just shake my head.

People put their marriages in harms way for a reason. It is either revenge, to teach their partner a lesson, or to test themself to see how much they really value the marriage. It doesn't matter if it is a man going to a strip club or a woman having a drink with someone she finds attractive.

He cheated. Unless it is a really cheap strip club, he is lying. He has sex somewhere else. It might have been in the parking lot, it might have been with an escort, it might have been after the club closed. His story does not make sense. Police usually monitor strip clubs and the ones that are too extreme usually get raided and the club owners usually watch the women and try to keep their clubs from being raided by the police.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I don’t know everyone. I’m simply trying to make sense out of what I have been told. It hurts that he cheated I want to find away to move pass it but I literally can’t. I ask questions everyday. I just want to feel better.


You can’t possibly “get over it” when you don’t even really know what “it” is.

His story doesn’t add up. He will always try to minimize what he did and tell partial truths, this is a way of keeping you around. He is looking out for number 1, still. Himself. 

How about you stop trying to make sense of the words and examine the actions, all of which shows such a high level of immaturity, disrespect and negligence it’s astounding.

Your body and your heart KNOW that your husband destroyed your marriage, your trust, and your family with his actions. Your brain just wants to believe the words he vomits at you.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Honestly it does not matter with who or when he had sex... if he gave you a STD then he WAS sexually active with some one. Now the thing that really matters is .. is he still having contact with them. I believe that everything he told you was a lie. I would not trust him as far as I could throw him. I believe you need to get the truth. You will have to monitor the phone bills and his current use of social media.. and he needs to have total transparency with you.. passwords to everything.. and if you want to look at it.. then he should let you. The only way to rebuild trust is for him to bare it all and prove that he is being honest. Otherwise, I would kick him to the curb.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She was “so into him”..... I don’t buy that. Those women are being ogled and drooled over by guys constantly during their job. Is your husband so impossibly handsome that he even attracts tired strippers while they’re at work? They do get paid to give fake attention, but to whip out his **** and put it inside them? Nah, I don’t think that’s reasonable. If so, why did he have to go to a strop club? No takers elsewhere?
> You keep “digging”.... are you digging for info from him? Because it’s just going to be more lies or trickle truth.


Yes I keep asking questions. I need to know he’s telling me the truth. I have even gone so far to try to believe him and want to know what the woman looks like to get my husband to cheat on me. My confidence is shot. I’m grasping. My hormones are all over the place because I’m pregnant. I’m not thinking clearly. And I still want him. I’m just messed up completely mentally.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Yes I keep asking questions. I need to know he’s telling me the truth. I have even gone so far to try to believe him and want to know what the woman looks like to get my husband to cheat on me. My confidence is shot. I’m grasping. My hormones are all over the place because I’m pregnant. I’m not thinking clearly. And I still want him. I’m just messed up completely mentally.


He didn’t cheat with her because she was so gorgeous he couldn't resist her, he cheated with her because she is easy. End of story.

Please get some individual counseling. Find a really good one. You can’t count on him to help you through this, his goal is to mindf#ck you into accepting his bull crap.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You want him to be honest with you?

Why don't you start with you being honest with yourself. 

He's full of $hit!!

But does it really matter because you're looking for any way to sweep this under the carpet and move on because let's get real....you are NOT going to leave him nor will he suffer any consequences.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to accept there is no way you’ll ever know for certain if you’re getting the entire truth.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Yes I keep asking questions. I need to know he’s telling me the truth. I have even gone so far to try to believe him and want to know what the woman looks like to get my husband to cheat on me. My confidence is shot. I’m grasping. My hormones are all over the place because I’m pregnant. I’m not thinking clearly. And I still want him. I’m just messed up completely mentally.


My suggestion is to not try to quiz him because it’s just a waste of time. Phone records. Polygragh. You just can’t trust him to tell you the truth. Realize he’s scared if you know the full truth you’ll likely leave. He’s going to minimize, etc. I think a one night thing is a little easier to stomach than an actual affair. There’s software that can recover deleted phone messages, etc, also.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well the stripper story is illogical so I think the OP needs to dig further for the truth so she knows what she is forgiving and a better judge of whether there will be a repeat performance.


You don’t know what he did, so why speculate on it?

I can actually see this happening. Something similar happened with one of the guys I was stationed with in Japan. It was at a dance club not a strip club. So I can believe the story he is telling.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband was walking around with 200 $1 bills? Seriously? Have you thought about how much room that takes up?


The strip clubs have all the ones anyone might need. At least they did 30 years ago.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> My suggestion is to not try to quiz him because it’s just a waste of time. Phone records. Polygragh. You just can’t trust him to tell you the truth. Realize he’s scared if you know the full truth you’ll likely leave. He’s going to minimize, etc. I think a one night thing is a little easier to stomach than an actual affair. There’s software that can recover deleted phone messages, etc, also.


I’ve checked phone records. There was no calls or messages from anyone other than his friends and/or employees. From about 2-7am. Everything that morning was just work related. Prior to this only friends and family. Nothing out of the ordinary. He told me tonight he wants to work on our marriage. And he has learned from his mistake. Honestly I want to move pass it. I mean I love him. I’m having 2 babies for him and we already have 3. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I know what I want and I know I sound desperate but it’s the truth. I’ve built a life with someone. The last 16 years of my life with this man. He’s not perfect. But I do love him. I’m sorry this sound so cliche. My struggle is I can not accept it. I don’t know if I’m getting the truth and I need all the details to heal. No matter how pretty. I want to know who this woman is. I want to know what she looks like. I want to talk to her to see if story matches. I am going for the polygraph and he told me he will take it. Whatever I need. How crazy do I sound


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’ve checked phone records. There was no calls or messages from anyone other than his friends and/or employees. From about 2-7am nothing at all. Everything that morning was just work related. Prior to this only friends and family. Nothing out of the ordinary. He told me tonight he wants to work on our marriage. And he has learned from his mistake. Honestly I want to move pass it. I mean I love him. I’m having 2 babies for him and we already have 3. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I know what I want and I know I sound desperate but it’s the truth. I’ve built a life with someone. The last 16 years of my life with this man. He’s not perfect. But I do love him. I’m sorry this sound so cliche. My struggle is I can not accept it. I don’t know if I’m getting the truth and I need all the details to heal. No matter how pretty. I want to know who this woman is. I want to know what she looks like. I want to talk to her to see if story matches. I am going for the polygraph and he told me he will take it. Whatever I need. How crazy do I sound


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’ve checked phone records. There was no calls or messages from anyone other than his friends and/or employees. From about 2-7am. Everything that morning was just work related. Prior to this only friends and family. Nothing out of the ordinary. He told me tonight he wants to work on our marriage. And he has learned from his mistake. Honestly I want to move pass it. I mean I love him. I’m having 2 babies for him and we already have 3. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I know what I want and I know I sound desperate but it’s the truth. I’ve built a life with someone. The last 16 years of my life with this man. He’s not perfect. But I do love him. I’m sorry this sound so cliche. My struggle is I can not accept it. I don’t know if I’m getting the truth and I need all the details to heal. No matter how pretty. I want to know who this woman is. I want to know what she looks like. I want to talk to her to see if story matches. I am going for the polygraph and he told me he will take it. Whatever I need. How crazy do I sound


It sounds like you are on a reasonable path to me to get to the truth and feel like you know what it is your forgiving and able to gauge the risk of infidelity happening again.
You don’t want to blow up your family and that’s understandable. I think if you feel like you have the full truth, it will help you move forward.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> It sounds like you are on a reasonable path to me to get to the truth and feel like you know what it is your forgiving and able to gauge the risk of infidelity happening again.
> You don’t want to blow up your family and that’s understandable. I think if you feel like you have the full truth, it will help you move forward.


But it has to be the full truth. I need to feel at peace with what I’ve been told to take another step. And I’m just uneasy. I’ve never cheated but I can’t wrap my mind around this. How do you do something like this


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> But it has to be the full truth. I need to feel at peace with what I’ve been told to take another step. And I’m just uneasy. I’ve never cheated but I can’t wrap my mind around this. How do you do something like this


I don’t know. I’ve never done that.

However, let’s say he IS being partially truthful. And was at a strip joint. Alcohol does lower inhibitions and impairs judgement. Beautiful women are tempting, etc. the thing is, if he’s upset, I can see going to a bar to drown one’s sorrows. Why a strip joint?

there’s just so much hereThat just seems off.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t know. I’ve never done that.
> 
> However, let’s say he IS being partially truthful. And was at a strip joint. Alcohol does lower inhibitions and impairs judgement. Beautiful women are tempting, etc. the thing is, if he’s upset, I can see going to a bar to drown one’s sorrows. Why a strip joint?
> 
> there’s just so much hereThat just seems off.


He says we were in a bad place. I put him out because I perceived a video as something it wasn’t. I talked about him pretty bad in the process as well. I’m not making a excuse. He says he tried to call multiple friends to hang out with but no one was available. He ended up at strip club. Because I put him out he says he went next door to the strip club when he left and got a room. He says he just showered and went to sleep. It’s off to me too. I’m tired of talking about it everyday but I am not getting what I need to begin to understand it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> He says we were in a bad place. I put him out because I perceived a video as something it wasn’t. I talked about him pretty bad in the process as well. I’m not making a excuse. He says he tried to call multiple friends to hang out with but no one was available. He ended up at strip club. Because I put him out he says he went next door to the strip club when he left and got a room. He says he just showered and went to sleep. It’s off to me too. I’m tired of talking about it everyday but I am not getting what I need to begin to understand it.


 this is your life we have no right to tell you what to except , it is only you can say if you are the type that thinks 
if a person because their wife blames them for something in the wrong has the right to go into a strip club 
drink too much , but not over the amount that his penis still gets hard 

it is not his doing that the sexy girl in the strip club gave him a dance and she raped him , I cant judge him for that as I have never been in a strip club , i don't know the rules ,
just if i thought that my wife was up set about me looking at a video which she though was a porno and she kicked me out i would not pick to go to a live porn show , it is a bit like getting hung for a sheep in the place of a lamb 

we all have different limits some would sit down and look at the video together ; some would get so up set when they found the video that they blow it into a big deal and go over the top , drag all type of stuff up up from the past true and untrue ,

I am not going to make this look right 
I am not going to make this look wrong ,
I am not going to try and say that you made him do her ,
because I don't know what way your mind works or his what is bad in your book what life you want for yourself and your children your husband ,

i think the best thing you can do is talk to a professional go together and each go on your own find one that is good that that both of you can be happy with , because there is a few things that will have to be addressed bought 
your reaction to conflict , what is off limit , like the video how you acted and how he acted , soon there will be 3 parties in the equation you need to get help on this ,get past it if you can't get past it with him how do you see life without him and your next life without him


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’ve checked phone records. There was no calls or messages from anyone other than his friends and/or employees. From about 2-7am. Everything that morning was just work related. Prior to this only friends and family. Nothing out of the ordinary. He told me tonight he wants to work on our marriage. And he has learned from his mistake. Honestly I want to move pass it. I mean I love him. I’m having 2 babies for him and we already have 3. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. I know what I want and I know I sound desperate but it’s the truth. I’ve built a life with someone. The last 16 years of my life with this man. He’s not perfect. But I do love him. I’m sorry this sound so cliche. My struggle is I can not accept it. I don’t know if I’m getting the truth and I need all the details to heal. No matter how pretty. I want to know who this woman is. I want to know what she looks like. I want to talk to her to see if story matches. I am going for the polygraph and he told me he will take it. Whatever I need. How crazy do I sound


She probably looks like a stripper, you know… silicone boobs, big plastic shoes, dollar bills in her g string lots of makeup. Her name is probably Sunshine, or Candy.

If your sister, or best friend, or daughter came to you with this story… what advice would give her on how to accept this? Do whatever it is that you just told yourself.

Is the reason he told you this story because you got the STD?


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> She probably looks like a stripper, you know… silicone boobs, big plastic shoes, dollar bills in her g string lots of makeup. Her name is probably Sunshine, or Candy.
> 
> If your sister, or best friend, or daughter came to you with this story… what advice would give her on how to accept this? Do whatever it is that you just told yourself.
> 
> Is the reason he told you this story because you got the STD?


Yes that’s the only reason I know. He says he felt bad and blocked it out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> _*Is the reason he told you this story because you got the STD?*_


Of course it is. The lying sack of **** would have NEVER told her had his girlfriend not told him about the STD she's got.

Come on folks,* surely* you don't BELIEVE that nonsense fairy tale he's telling - "it was a _*one-time stripper thing* _because we were in a bad place." What a steaming load of bull *that *is. He's used literally every cliche lie in the book, and as I read each one, I roll my eyes. I now have a headache from rolling them so much.

But the biggest WHOPPER this lying sack told you is that a hooker/stripper was SO into him that she just *had* to have him and didn't even want to charge him any money.

Oh - and his other whopper - "I didn't come." 🤣 🤣

Honestly OP, I don't know how to stress to you how naive you are. That's going to get you steamrolled, but he's banking on your extreme naivete to sail right past you with these horrific lies he's told you.

He's been with someone, but it's not a hooker. And do hookers try to find *every* antonymous John they've been with over a 2 or 3-week period to warn them all that they have an STD? Yeah, _sure_ they do.

He's got a girlfriend, OP.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Yes that’s the only reason I know. He says he felt bad and blocked it out.


*ANOTHER* whopper. Yes, that's why he lied to you and didn't tell you about the STD he's possibly given his wife and unborn child...because it was so traumatizing he "blocked it out." I'm sure he's just GUILT-RIDDEN beyond our imaginations. 

You married a real POS, OP. Sadly, you're so incredibly naive that you're actually falling for all these ridiculous lies.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’sStillgot it,

Don’t pull any punches, tell her what you really think... dont whitewash it so much....🤕

Sorry OP, I think she told you some truth here.

The reason you can’t get over it is likely because it doesn’t make sense what he’s told you. The logic side of your brain and your emotional side are going at it like Forest griffin and Stephan Bonner.

I hope you find the truth. I will say that your scenario is weird. One fight and he’s out the door banging someone and catching an std.
And you have no suspicions of another woman.
Nothing on phone records. Burner phone? 
burner phone would imply serial cheater. You don’t suspect that at all.
Other woman? You don’t Sust that either.

id think you’d suspect another woman with the hindsight an std would cause. You don’t.
There’s something weird about your situation.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’sStillgot it,
> 
> Don’t pull any punches, tell her what you really think... dont whitewash it so much....🤕
> 
> ...


It’s been a rough year for us definitely. Not much kindness on my part either I guess. I’ve not cheated and he says he did not prior to this. He says we were in a bad place and he just didn’t care at that moment. I’m getting tired of asking him about. We were on the phone from 2 am to now taking about this on and off. He insists it’s the truth. He insists he’s sorry. He knows he messed up. I can tell he’s tired of me asking about it but he answers my questions anyway. These past few days have been better than most of the past year for us. And that’s sad. I don’t know I can’t shake it. I keep asking because I suspect the answer to change. I haven’t seen anything that makes me think he’s carrying on a relationship with anyone. He’s home a lot of days with me during the day/night and some days he has to go out it work needs him. I honestly didn’t suspect anything like this has happened. I mentioned this forum to him and that people are saying I’m naive and stupid but even then he insists it is what Happened. I asked him to show me the girl or that I want to see her but that place was raided about a month after he was there and is since closed. Is that weird I want to know what she looks like?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Not weird at all, but unimportant. 
This is what she looks like: a prostitute.
And no matter how attractive she is physically, she’s a prostitute and ugly to any man that values a person and not a body.

If your husband thinks she is attractive and actually wants to have a relationship with someone like that, he is a low person indeed.

Do not lower yourself mentally by comparing her to you. You are way out of her league.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not weird at all, but unimportant.
> This is what she looks like: a prostitute.
> And no matter how attractive she is physically, she’s a prostitute and ugly to any man that values a person and not a body.
> 
> ...


No he didn’t say anything like she was so attractive he couldn’t help his self. But that’s just how I am. I have to visualize and I hate that. It will never make sense. You said guys believe these woman are so beautiful blah blah blah.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Again, does it really matter if you have the truth, all of it, every detail?

Because you know either way you are not going to leave him. So why go through this dog and pony show because you are never going to have the entire truth.

You're NEVER going to get to the point that this is a deal breaker so you might as well make the best of it even if your mind is tormented by all of this (and the reason you'll continue to be tormented by it is deep down this guy you refuse to leave is flat out lying to you but you're not going anywhere) and thus nightmare that will continue to torment and haunt you every single day until you refuse to STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!!!! 

This isn't about him lying to you but YOU LYING TO YOURSELF!!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

mike93081 said:


> Put a stripper pole in your bedroom and give him a show, lap dance, and let him put the hot dog in your bun and add some mayo.


😱


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blip


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

mike93081 said:


> 🤣🤣🤣🤣
> 
> I roll my eyes at these people who believe that just because they are heavy in the church, that means they are morally superior.
> 
> ...


Gross. Oh yeah it's always a great idea to reward your spouse for truly deplorable behavior.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Help me decipher this. My husband and I have been arrived for almost 6 years. 3 young kids together and I’m currently pregnant with twins. About 3 months ago something happened that pushed me over the edge and I put him out. There was no cheating but I just didn’t like something he did. We argued about it and I decided to put him out when he came home. I’m now finding out that on that night he was so upset as he says that he went to a strip club. He’s gone to strip clubs before so didn’t think much about it. I know he visited the vip room with a stripper. His first time ever I’m told. He says he was so drunk and was thinking straight but he allowed her to undo his pants and climb on top of him. He says it was no more than a minute but he asked her to stop and said he was not thinking clearly. There was no condom and he said she tried to leave to go get one and he said he couldn’t do that and just left. He says he was ashamed and didn’t want to tell me. And has tried to block it out. He has not been back to a strip club and tells me he won’t be going back. He also says that is why he stopped drinking. I didn’t realize that something had happened to make him stop.
> 
> now I’m finding this out 3 months later because Igot a sti. I had been complaining to my obgyn about symptoms and surely enough I tested positive for something. I’m fine now thank God but this cuts deep. I only know because of this.
> After this happened 3 months ago we had a big fight not about cheating because I didn’t know at the time. He told me he wanted to counseling so we have been going weekly since and have been doing well. Now I know this and I’m having such a hard time processing it. I doubt everything now and I don’t trust him. To have paid for sex? Or almost sex? I don’t know. Do I believe that. Do I believe he realized what he was doing and stopped. How many men are strong enough to get out of that situation and just go? To go inside a stranger with no protection? You risked my life and your kids life. I don’t know honestly. I’m so yet and just can’t think straight. I think if I know all the details it may help me but I don’t know if that’s true. He says he’s broken it down for me every piece and all truth but I don’t know. I really believe it’s the first and only time he’s cheated since we have been married. Would you consider it cheating if he stopped? I’m a wreck and don’t what to think. I think it’s nasty and I don’t know if this is better or worst than if it had been a normal woman.


You kicked him out. Why are you upset about what he did after you abandoned him?

And why does it matter now?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I guess the STI is reason enough to *****, but it's not like it's doing any good.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> . I asked him to show me the girl or that I want to see her but that place was raided about a month after he was there and is since closed. Is that weird I want to know what she looks like?


How conveinient. I just want to tell you, if he were truly sorry, he would have told you when it happened, he wouldn’t have exposed you and your babies to diseases, and he would never have kept this in the dark. If you didn’t get an STD that had symptoms, he NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. Does that sound like someone who is so sorry? What if he’d given you HIV and you didn’t know until your kids were born with it?

There is so much screwed up about this.

Listen, you can sweep this under the rug and live in denial and choose to believe his lies. But if you do that then don’t try to keep asking questions and making sense of why, because you’re going to live a miserable life. He isn’t the kind of person that’s going to make every effort to make this right by you. His attitudes and behaviors this far indicate it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

QuietRiot said:


> How conveinient. I just want to tell you, if he were truly sorry, he would have told you when it happened, he wouldn’t have exposed you and your babies to diseases, and he would never have kept this in the dark. If you didn’t get an STD that had symptoms, he NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. Does that sound like someone who is so sorry? What if he’d given you HIV and you didn’t know until your kids were born with it?
> 
> There is so much screwed up about this.
> 
> Listen, you can sweep this under the rug and live in denial and choose to believe his lies. But if you do that then don’t try to keep asking questions and making sense of why, because you’re going to live a miserable life. He isn’t the kind of person that’s going to make every effort to make this right by you. His attitudes and behaviors this far indicate it.


Oof. 

Yeah, you are right. 

This is a dose of truth. And truth usually hurts.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

mike93081 said:


> I am talking about how to keep your spouse from cheating.... I wonder how she was in bed.
> 
> I can imagine she probably viewed most sex acts as a sin.


Does that matter? 

That would never stop me from having a good sex life. 

Then again, i wouldn't stay married to someone that viewed sex as sin...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

mike93081 said:


> I am talking about how to keep your spouse from cheating.... I wonder how she was in bed.
> 
> I can imagine she probably viewed most sex acts as a sin.


That is ridiculous and you should be ashamed of writing this. 
You make it sound like its her fault her husband did this. Simply disgusting.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> That is ridiculous and you should be ashamed of writing this.
> You make it sound like its her fault her husband did this. Simply disgusting.


For the record, because i know i have been a bit confusing, I'm on your side.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> It’s been a rough year for us definitely. Not much kindness on my part either I guess. I’ve not cheated and he says he did not prior to this. He says we were in a bad place and he just didn’t care at that moment. I’m getting tired of asking him about. We were on the phone from 2 am to now taking about this on and off. He insists it’s the truth. He insists he’s sorry. He knows he messed up. I can tell he’s tired of me asking about it but he answers my questions anyway. These past few days have been better than most of the past year for us. And that’s sad. I don’t know I can’t shake it. I keep asking because I suspect the answer to change. I haven’t seen anything that makes me think he’s carrying on a relationship with anyone. He’s home a lot of days with me during the day/night and some days he has to go out it work needs him. I honestly didn’t suspect anything like this has happened. I mentioned this forum to him and that people are saying I’m naive and stupid but even then he insists it is what Happened. I asked him to show me the girl or that I want to see her but that place was raided about a month after he was there and is since closed. Is that weird I want to know what she looks like?


What she looks like is she has huge fake boobs and is young. That's what they all look like. You need to stop obsessing over the details. He did something deplorable and if you let it slide, he will just keep doing it, which he has probably been doing all along. You need to face reality. 

And really, I would tell his mother. He needs to feel REAL remorse for this, and right now he doesn't.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

mike93081 said:


> Why should I be ashamed for being brutally honest? I have read these forums for a long time. It's clear that most guys on here cheat because their wife isn't exciting in bed, or they have no drive. The same thing mostly applies to the females as well.... So instead of hinting around the situation, why not tell it like it is??? He did this for a reason. Was it the right thing to do? Heck no!!! But if you want to salvage the marriage, you need to fix the root problem.


Salvage the marriage???????? By effing a stripper? Oh, man. I don't know what planet you live on, but it must be a real narcissistic place.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

mike93081 said:


> I am talking about how to keep your spouse from cheating.... I wonder how she was in bed.
> 
> I can imagine she probably viewed most sex acts as a sin.


Our sex life is incredible. There isn’t anything he wants for. Neither do I. I want my husband all the time. I would have never tell him no.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I haven’t seen that and I’ve read lots of threads.
What I’ve seen is people that don’t value their spouse, don’t really care about their spouse, and have zero boundaries with other people, and no self control whatsoever. Their cheating is all due to the things within themselves that are lacking, not their spouse.
I have never had bad sex with a person I was in love with. They didn’t have to give me a bj, dance on a pole, or have big boobs, or any other nonsense guys claim to wish their wife did for them. Just holding them and being with them in that way was amazing to me.

If fancy porn star sex is what a man needs to stay faithful, he’s a lousy sack of **** and deserves to be dumped.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Yes that’s the only reason I know. He says he felt bad and blocked it out.


Nonsense, he remembered it alright. If you hadn't caught an std he would never have told you.
To have sex with you knowing what he had done was appalling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mike93081 said:


> I am talking about how to keep your spouse from cheating.... I wonder how she was in bed.
> 
> I can imagine she probably viewed most sex acts as a sin.


Why do you assume that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mike93081 said:


> Why should I be ashamed for being brutally honest? I have read these forums for a long time. It's clear that most guys on here cheat because their wife isn't exciting in bed, or they have no drive. The same thing mostly applies to the females as well.... So instead of hinting around the situation, why not tell it like it is??? He did this for a reason. Was it the right thing to do? Heck no!!! But if you want to salvage the marriage, you need to fix the root problem.


Complete nonsense.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

mike93081 said:


> Why should I be ashamed for being brutally honest? I have read these forums for a long time. It's clear that most guys on here cheat because their wife isn't exciting in bed, or they have no drive. The same thing mostly applies to the females as well.... So instead of hinting around the situation, why not tell it like it is??? He did this for a reason. Was it the right thing to do? Heck no!!! But if you want to salvage the marriage, you need to fix the root problem.


Nice to meet you cheater with no conscience.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> .......He told me tonight he wants to work on our marriage. And he has learned from his mistake. *Honestly I want to move pass it. I mean I love him*. I’m having 2 babies for him and we already have 3. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home.* I know what I want and I know I sound desperate but it’s the truth*. I’ve built a life with someone. The last 16 years of my life with this man. He’s not perfect. *But I do love him.* I’m sorry this sound so cliche. My struggle is I can not accept it. I don’t know if I’m getting the truth and* I need all the details to heal.* No matter how pretty. I want to know who this woman is. I want to know what she looks like.* I want to talk to her to see if story matches*. I am going for the polygraph and he told me he will take it. Whatever I need. How crazy do I sound


You do get to live your life as you choose it and to stay with your husband if you want to.

I have two pieces of advice for you.

First, if you keep your marriage, then find a marriage counselor and WITH THE COUNSELOR ESTABLISH SOME BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND. In particular, discuss with the counselor AND your husband that if he every cheats on you again, what your response should be. Figure out that if he every has sex with another woman, what you will do and what the consequences of his actions will be for him. Figure out if you will leave him and take every penny of the marital estate for the benefit of your children's future. Make sure you have a plan and he knows what the consequences will be.

He appears to be getting a pass on this episode of infidelity. The two of you need to decide what will happen in the future. Remember ever action like this is "training." You can condition him that his infidelities will have no significant consequences, if you just let this pass and do nothing.

Second, while you want to know details, stop it. Your expectations are unrealistic. 

Let's say he was totally honest with you and gave you the woman's stage name (they don't use there real names). What would you do? How would your contact her? Would you go to the strip club and ask to see her? Would you phone the strip club and ask to speak to her? Do you honestly believe that the management or bouncer at the strip club would allow you to confront the woman your husband had an affair with? Do you honestly think she would every talk to you? What you say "you need" will never happen. You need to recognize it and figure out another way to move on.

Realistically you will never get her to confirm or deny your H's side of the story. You need to accept that. Once you have accepted that, you need to realize that you will never get the whole truth from your husband unless give him truth serum or something, which is probably not legal. So if you can't get "her story" and you will at best get a portion of what happened from your H, you need to accept that you will NEVER get what you say you need to heal yourself. 

I am sorry, but to heal yourself emotionally, you will have to find another way. You need to accept that, if you want to move on with your life. That is why you need individual counseling to help you mentally and emotionally heal.

In short you need both marriage counseling and individual counseling.

Good luck.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> You do get to live your life as you choose it and to stay with your husband if you want to.
> 
> I have two pieces of advice for you.
> 
> ...


The problem with this plan, while it sounds lovely, is that he now knows there is no consequences besides an annoying wife asking lots of questions. He has no morals or ethics guiding him to be faithful, regardless of being “God fearing” ha!, and now he has ZERO consequence for being a scum bag. He has no reason to be faithful. At all.

You are right on about the healing and therapy though. She needs it. She’s smoking delusions in her pipe.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

mike93081 said:


> I am talking about how to keep your spouse from cheating.... I wonder how she was in bed.
> 
> I can imagine she probably viewed most sex acts as a sin.


This isn't helpful AT ALL.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

You can't really keep a spouse from cheating. All you can do is be worth staying with. Or not. 

🤷


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

mike93081 said:


> Not all, but a lot of people here seem to think using all emotion. Of course I expect to heart some smart A response back, but I don't care
> 
> Cheating of course is bad and a really stupid decision. If it's not a mental issue like a sex crazed period of time from being in a manic state. Then it's really a sign of neglect in the marriage between the couple. It could be one or a combination of the both. But it's certainly one step before divorce and oftentimes, cheating leads straight to divorce without any chance of salvaging the marriage. There are two very generic situations that give you an idea of why cheating occurs.
> 
> ...


There was a lot of fighting, a lot of disagreeing, a lot of not nice things being said I can admit my part in that. It’s been a rough year for sure. There was nagging. And I can see how I’ve been treating him has pushed him away. I didn’t see that before but now I do. I’ve been so emotional particularly this year since the pregnancy. My hormones are out of this world and I have not been acting like myself. I’ve used some profanity at him and that isn’t like me. I’ve neglected the relationship. Now I’m not accepting blame for what he did but based on your last response I’m just saying my part if any.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> There was a lot of fighting, a lot of disagreeing, a lot of not nice things being said I can admit my part in that. It’s been a rough year for sure. There was nagging. And I can see how I’ve been treating him has pushed him away. I didn’t see that before but now I do. I’ve been so emotional particularly this year since the pregnancy. My hormones are out of this world and I have not been acting like myself. I’ve used some profanity at him and that isn’t like me. I’ve neglected the relationship. Now I’m not accepting blame for what he did but based on your last response I’m just saying my part if any.


Please don’t believe anything this guy says about cheating. Cheating DOES NOT HAPPEN because of a bad marriage, a good marriage a mediocre marriage. Cheating happens because a person in the marriage makes a unilateral decision to cheat. Period. Cheating happens in amazing marriages, terrible marriage and every marriage in between. It is truly the person doing the cheating that makes it happen.

DO NOT buy into the bull crap that you could have prevented his cheating or made him cheat. It’s simply not true.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

mike93081 said:


> If not a medical reason. Affairs happen because one person is missing something and not being fulfilled in the relationship.


You know nothing of affairs and why people cheat. So when did you cheat on your wife?


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## Lynnevicious (Apr 25, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> 3. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home.


It’s better for kids to come from a broken home than live in one.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

mike93081 said:


> Are you 12 years old or around that age? This is a site for grown-ups, not middle school puppy love.


An extremely mature and well spoken 12 year old to you sir.

I will take that as a yes you are a cheater, and your wife rug-swept the whole ordeal. It’s just good to know where OP might be getting her advice.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> An extremely mature and well spoken 12 year old to you sir.
> 
> I will take that as a yes you are a cheater, and your wife rug-swept the whole ordeal. It’s just good to know where OP might be getting her advice.


I’m not trying to rub sweep. Are you a woman that’s married? Because the feelings I’m having I think I shouldn’t. And I wish I had someone to talk to. Too embarrassed to talk to anyone in my day to day life. I don’t know if it’s my hormones because of pregnancy or what but I want to be with my husband intimately. Every night I am fighting the urge to jump on him in bed. I don’t know why??? I’m hurt and disappointed yes but it’s like I need to feel like he wants me. And like I’ve said we have talked. He has told me he does. Am I crazy or what


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’m not trying to rub sweep. Are you a woman that’s married? Because the feelings I’m having I think I shouldn’t. And I wish I had someone to talk to. Too embarrassed to talk to anyone in my day to day life. I don’t know if it’s my hormones because of pregnancy or what but I want to be with my husband intimately. Every night I am fighting the urge to jump on him in bed. I don’t know why??? I’m hurt and disappointed yes but it’s like I need to feel like he wants me. And like I’ve said we have talked. He has told me he does. Am I crazy or what


You are not crazy. It's normal. What you are feeling is called hysterical bonding. It's extremely normal for a couple to have a very wild sex life after an affair is discovered. If you want sex with your husband then do it. It will help the two of you heal and repair your marriage.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> You are not crazy. It's normal. What you are feeling is called hysterical bonding. It's extremely normal for a couple to have a very wild sex life after an affair is discovered. If you want sex with your husband then do it. It will help the two of you heal and repair your marriage.


You really believe that? Because I’m so confused and just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be perceived as a door step and I don’t want to give off the illusion of no consequences.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> You really believe that? Because I’m so confused and just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be perceived as a door step and I don’t want to give off the illusion of no consequences.


It is true. It happened to me, too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I don’t know everyone. I’m simply trying to make sense out of what I have been told. It hurts that he cheated I want to find away to move pass it but I literally can’t. I ask questions everyday. I just want to feel better.


Give yourself some slack here. It takes 2 - 5 years to recover from an affair (or cheating). It is completely normal for the betrayed spouse (BS) to ask the wayward spouse (WS) questions constantly for a long time. He needs to accept that he did something horrible and he owes you... he needs to answer your questions, over and over and over.

There are some good books out there that I think would help you.

This is a book for your husband to read. You can read it too... but he's the one who needs to do the work:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

The next books come from a Christian perspective.

Surviving an Affair (by Dr. Harley) is a book that is meant to be read by the betrayed spouse. It give you a plan of how to handle things.

The other two books are by the same author, Dr. Harley. The purpose of these books is to help you and your husband restructure your marriage to prevent further infidelity.

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits 
His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Last
The idea is to read the Love Busters book first. You both identify the things in your marriage that are 'love busters' and you both stop doing those things. Then you read the "His Needs, Her Needs" book and learn how to meet teach others needs and to protect your marriage from any further infidelity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> You really believe that? Because I’m so confused and just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be perceived as a door step and I don’t want to give off the illusion of no consequences.


I don't just believe it, I know it. I've lived through it. I've been moderating forums like this one for the last 20 years and have read thousands of stories and this is a very common thing to happen. Further, there is a lot of research out there dealing with couples recovering from infidelity that talk about this. You are completely normal... your pain and confusion is normal and your desire for hysterical bonding is normal.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’m not trying to rub sweep. Are you a woman that’s married? Because the feelings I’m having I think I shouldn’t. And I wish I had someone to talk to. Too embarrassed to talk to anyone in my day to day life. I don’t know if it’s my hormones because of pregnancy or what but I want to be with my husband intimately. Every night I am fighting the urge to jump on him in bed. I don’t know why??? I’m hurt and disappointed yes but it’s like I need to feel like he wants me. And like I’ve said we have talked. He has told me he does. Am I crazy or what


I am a woman who is still legally-ish married. I’m separated from a cheater.

Your reactions and feelings are very normal. I did the hysterical bonding thing, I didn’t find TAM until much much too late in the game. I’m pretty sure many of us here can relate to every one of your emotions and reactions.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

I was on the fence as to whether he had an affair or really did have sex with a stripper BUT...

After he said he couldn't take OP to the strip club to see the girl because the club was "raided"

Ooooo that is a big load of s$it. I don't think most men would run home to have sex with their wife after having sex with a stripper until getting tested but wouldn't think twice about it if they were just having an affair with an average woman they met at work

Yeap, this man had an affair


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> This isn't helpful AT ALL.


And probably completely untrue.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

nursekat said:


> I was on the fence as to whether he had an affair or really did have sex with a stripper BUT...
> 
> After he said he couldn't take OP to the strip club to see the girl because the club was "raided"
> 
> ...


He didn’t tell me the club was raided. I told him that. When he told me her name and the club name I looked it up. I saw a month after he had gone the club had been raided. He went in May, raided in June. Said they were closed down because of no liquor license, illegal drugs, and poss prostitution.
He didn’t run home to have sex with me. He said he did wait a while to see if he showed any symptoms. I don’t know how true that is because I don’t recall when we had sex for the first time after he was out that night. I recall a lot of sex in July but I don’t remember may/June.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I am a woman who is still legally-ish married. I’m separated from a cheater.
> 
> Your reactions and feelings are very normal. I did the hysterical bonding thing, I didn’t find TAM until much much too late in the game. I’m pretty sure many of us here can relate to every one of your emotions and reactions.


What’s TAM? 
i am trying. We went to dinner last night and we talked. He did tell me more. I’m trying to make peace. It’s just a real hard pill to swallow. I know after talking last night that he probably did know what he was doing. And he says he paid a lot more money than just $200 while in main section. Says nothing was paid in back but seems like he maybe spent $800 ish. I don’t know girl. I’m trying. He seems to be trying. I asked him to just tellme how it was but he said what he has said about the sex back there is truthful but he not going to give me the details I’m looking for because he thinks its too much and hard to forget. He’s been trying to forget.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Hey, who hasn't had sex with a stripper?
My single days was sex with a strip club account, the manager, her and her friends. Big fun.

And, many non strippers women I've had do a strip tease for me prior to a sexual encounter. 

I've observed many women love to put on a show as they work their way into good lovin' we were starting up.

There's no limit to what a women will do for the first liaison with a guy. Just speaking for my first hand knowledge. 

My turn on was and is still, what can I get her to do and enjoy, how far will she go tests to quickly see any hang ups she may have as a potential repeat date.

My premarriage sex life was how far will a woman go exercise in learning. 

It's been a great experience teacher I use every day in my M.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

The fact he even told you about the stripper makes me doubt his intelligence and his intentions.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> I don't just believe it, I know it. I've lived through it. I've been moderating forums like this one for the last 20 years and have read thousands of stories and this is a very common thing to happen. Further, there is a lot of research out there dealing with couples recovering from infidelity that talk about this. You are completely normal... your pain and confusion is normal and your desire for hysterical bonding is normal.


I just googled hysterical bonding. And yeah that is what I am feeling. But I don’t feel any better after last night I thought maybe I would. I believe him when he said he wants to be with me and his kids. He wants his family. And don’t want to be that guy that sleeps around. I do believe this is true.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I just googled hysterical bonding. And yeah that is what I am feeling. But I don’t feel any better after last night I thought maybe I would. I believe him when he said he wants to be with me and his kids. He wants his family. And don’t want to be that guy that sleeps around. I do believe this is true.


The child support payments alone would be daunting. He's telling you whatever he needs to say. He can have both. You may be sensing subconsciously that you are competing for his affections. Ask him if he's cheating on you with someone else and then ask to look through his phone and his emails immediately with no prior warning to prove he's not actively cheating on you. I bet he won't let you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> What’s TAM?
> i am trying. We went to dinner last night and we talked. He did tell me more. I’m trying to make peace. It’s just a real hard pill to swallow. I know after talking last night that he probably did know what he was doing. And he says he paid a lot more money than just $200 while in main section. Says nothing was paid in back but seems like he maybe spent $800 ish. I don’t know girl. I’m trying. He seems to be trying. I asked him to just tellme how it was but he said what he has said about the sex back there is truthful but he not going to give me the details I’m looking for because he thinks its too much and hard to forget. He’s been trying to forget.


Hold on while I cry for you for a minute. What you just said is actually hurting my stomach.

You think that him trickle truthing you (giving you tiny bits of a story that are often not even true over time), brushing off questions, amending his story, and telling you he just wants to forget it (and by proxy you should forget it too) is TRYING?!?! This is not how we repair a marriage after infidelity. Not even close.

TAM is this forum. Talk About Marriage.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I just googled hysterical bonding. And yeah that is what I am feeling. But I don’t feel any better after last night I thought maybe I would. I believe him when he said he wants to be with me and his kids. He wants his family. And don’t want to be that guy that sleeps around. I do believe this is true.


Hysterical bonding doesn’t make the infidelity or your pain go away. If anything it complicates the whole situation and makes things worse if you don’t have a spouse who is willing to do whatever it takes to amend the situation.

Where are the financial records for this $200 or $800? Do you not have access to the bank account he pulled this money from? This story is beyond nonsensical. You don’t have the truth, you will never have the truth. If you stay with him at this point you will have to settle for the fact he won’t ever tell you, and he just wants to forget about it. At some point he will use the words “Are you ever just going to get over it?” “How long do you have to put me through this? I said I was sorry!” And he will simply stop answering your question. He has no reason to.

My advice if you want to save your marriage is file for divorce. Kick him out of the house. Stop talking to him. In about 2 weeks, if he is worth a damn, he might be more willing to cooperate with your need for answers and getting help to fix himself and your marriage, and he will have actual consequences and reasons to do so. You can also see if he is actually remorseful in the way he behaves and acts when you file. The divorce can always be cancelled if he sees the light. On the other hand, if he is an unremorseful piece of crap, he will go screw some more strippers on accident or go run to his girlfriend who has the std. you’ll have your answer.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

It's already been mentioned by others, but it's one thing that he cheated, but the way you found out is he gave you an STI??

Your husband is a LOSER, sorry but he is. He had UNPROTECTED sex with a stripper and then proceeded to have sex with his pregnant wife??

He F'd up having UNPROTECTED sex with the stripper, but then he decides to double down and doesn't go to get checked out with his Dr and more IMPORTANTLY refrain from having sex with you until he's cleared??

Just hoping that this would just magically disappear and you would never know. That's what he was hoping for and banking on.

He was willing to play Russian roulette with the health of his wife and yet to be born twin babies??

Then his plan BLEW UP because you got an STI and at this point (only because he was busted and was forced to tell) he proceeds to come clean with you.

Your husband is NOT the sharpest tool in the shed nor is he a man of ANY conviction or moral fortitude. 

And you want to have sex with this man?

How can you not look at him and be repulsed??


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Hold on while I cry for you for a minute. What you just said is actually hurting my stomach.
> 
> You think that him trickle truthing you (giving you tiny bits of a story that are often not even true over time), brushing off questions, amending his story, and telling you he just wants to forget it (and by proxy you should forget it too) is TRYING?!?! This is not how we repair a marriage after infidelity. Not even close.
> 
> TAM is this forum. Talk About Marriage.


He didn’t tell me to just forget it. He said that’s what he has been trying to do. But he said he didn’t want to hurt me more. I was just asking for very detailed responses. Do I keep pushing for details answers? Is that too much? Asking things like did you cum? What does she look like? Telling him to set the scene? I’ve just been looking for descriptive text. Now he answers all my questions and eventually I do think he will get tired of talking about it everyday. I can’t let it go. And I’m crying for my own self.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Recovering from cheating is obviously a very difficult thing. It takes years. You’ll never trust the way you once did and you shouldn’t. And no matter how hard you try, sometimes it’s just not possible to get past it. He needs to do whatever it is that you need him to do in order to have the best chance at rebuilding your marriage.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> He didn’t tell me to just forget it. He said that’s what he has been trying to do. But he said he didn’t want to hurt me more. I was just asking for very detailed responses. Do I keep pushing for details answers? Is that too much? Asking things like did you cum? What does she look like? Telling him to set the scene? I’ve just been looking for descriptive text. Now he answers all my questions and eventually I do think he will get tired of talking about it everyday. I can’t let it go. And I’m crying for my own self.


Im so sorry for the terrible pain you are in. It’s not easy, and you’re pregnant still. My husbands affair affected my health and emotional well being for months.

The way your husband is acting and the things he saying, and how his story is constantly changing… he is just sorry he got caught. Not that he put your life or your kids in danger. 

My advice? Focus on yourself, your health, and your mental well being to keep these babies healthy, let him be on his own and without his wife and kids to figure out what he’s done and how HE is going to fix it. Not you. Let him figure out the lengths he will go through to make this right.

That’s my suggestion. Stop trying to fix this. He broke the marriage, HE should be figuring out how to do anything possible to get you back. Not the other way around.


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## Kcden (Aug 22, 2021)

Him wanting to see a councilor is a good sign but he’s 100% lying about the stripper. I have a lot of guy friends who lived quite recklessly and while their tales are amusing they’re also educational. No stripper is going to have sex for money in a vip room and risk the guy being an undercover cop and she ends up in prison.
Your husband cheated on you and I’d get the whole story before I trusted him again.
Call his bluff, Tell him you want the name of the strip club and stripper so that you could report them as a prostitution ring. Say you feel so violated catching an STD from that skank and can’t in good Conscience let that happen to someone else’s wife, and that you can’t condone illegal activity. Really lay it on thick, my bet is that since there is no prostitution happening at the strip club, he’ll come clean with the whole story and you can use your judgment from there if you can trust him. I wouldn’t be able to rebuild trust without the whole story though.


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Kcden said:


> Him wanting to see a councilor is a good sign but he’s 100% lying about the stripper. I have a lot of guy friends who lived quite recklessly and while their tales are amusing they’re also educational. No stripper is going to have sex for money in a vip room and risk the guy being an undercover cop and she ends up in prison.
> Your husband cheated on you and I’d get the whole story before I trusted him again.
> Call his bluff, Tell him you want the name of the strip club and stripper so that you could report them as a prostitution ring. Say you feel so violated catching an STD from that skank and can’t in good Conscience let that happen to someone else’s wife, and that you can’t condone illegal activity. Really lay it on thick, my bet is that since there is no prostitution happening at the strip club, he’ll come clean with the whole story and you can use your judgment from there if you can trust him. I wouldn’t be able to rebuild trust without the whole story though.


The club has since closed down due to illegal acts. No liquor license, illegal drugs, and suspected prostitution. According to news these things were seen by undercover cops. But I have asked him to find her because I want to talk to her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Kcden said:


> Him wanting to see a councilor is a good sign but he’s 100% lying about the stripper. I have a lot of guy friends who lived quite recklessly and while their tales are amusing they’re also educational. No stripper is going to have sex for money in a vip room and risk the guy being an undercover cop and she ends up in prison.
> Your husband cheated on you and I’d get the whole story before I trusted him again.
> Call his bluff, Tell him you want the name of the strip club and stripper so that you could report them as a prostitution ring. Say you feel so violated catching an STD from that skank and can’t in good Conscience let that happen to someone else’s wife, and that you can’t condone illegal activity. Really lay it on thick, my bet is that since there is no prostitution happening at the strip club, he’ll come clean with the whole story and you can use your judgment from there if you can trust him. I wouldn’t be able to rebuild trust without the whole story though.


Cocaine is a helluva drug.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kcden said:


> Him wanting to see a councilor is a good sign but he’s 100% lying about the stripper. I have a lot of guy friends who lived quite recklessly and while their tales are amusing they’re also educational. No stripper is going to have sex for money in a vip room and risk the guy being an undercover cop and she ends up in prison.
> Your husband cheated on you and I’d get the whole story before I trusted him again.
> Call his bluff, Tell him you want the name of the strip club and stripper so that you could report them as a prostitution ring. Say you feel so violated catching an STD from that skank and can’t in good Conscience let that happen to someone else’s wife, and that you can’t condone illegal activity. Really lay it on thick, my bet is that since there is no prostitution happening at the strip club, he’ll come clean with the whole story and you can use your judgment from there if you can trust him. I wouldn’t be able to rebuild trust without the whole story though.


I would totally agree, but if he’s dropping 800$—- a man can get a lot of things these days for that I suspect.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> The club has since closed down due to illegal acts. No liquor license, illegal drugs, and suspected prostitution. According to news these things were seen by undercover cops. But I have asked him to find her because I want to talk to her.


Sounds like a tidy cover story for the real one, except the part where she just does him in the private room, bare, and then doesn’t charge him for it because he was so irresistible apparently. Or maybe she was a philanthropic prostitute just being a kind and giving person.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> To go inside a stranger with no protection? You risked my life and your kids life.


I don't know of any STD that can harm your children.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> No I don’t work outside of our home. We are both God fearing people and while divorce has crossed my mind if I’m honest it’s not what I want. Because we are god fearing that’s partly why I believe he stopped it. He says he didn’t cum and the girl thought the issue was no condom but he told her he couldn’t and just left. I don’t know.


When I was a 'god fearing person' I didn't go to strip clubs or hire prostitutes.
Just saying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I don't know of any STD that can harm your children.


That's actually untrue. I remember my biology teacher telling the class the story of two children who ended up with a severe eye infection. The infection was normally a sexually transmitted infection.

It transpired that they had used the family bath towel to dry their faces on, their parents had contracted an STD, dried themselves on the towel which was then subsequently used by the children.

Acquired Secondary Syphilis in Preschool Children by... : Sexually Transmitted Diseases


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I don't know of any STD that can harm your children.


I know of one person that had to have a c-section because she had a particularly virulent case of herpes. And HIV I’d say is life threatening. Gonorrhea is no joke on the unborn baby and can pass to them in childbirth. Syphilis can kill babies.

Regardless of medical intervention and availability, it was a d!ck move. Any guy that knowingly puts his babies in danger is trash.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I know of one person that had to have a c-section because she had a particularly virulent case of herpes. And HIV I’d say is life threatening. Gonorrhea is no joke on the unborn baby and can pass to them in childbirth. Syphilis can kill babies.
> 
> Regardless of medical intervention and availability, it was a d!ck move. Any guy that knowingly puts his babies in danger is trash.


Most STDs are trivial, often less trouble than a cold.
They are also a lot harder to catch (and easier to fix) than most western media would have you believe.

This is one of the few sources that gives true STD advice.








Your Honest-to-God Guide to STDs


Calm down. Take a deep breath. It's going to be okay.



markmanson.net


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Except for that incurable strain of the clap that’s now happening? I for one am a monogamous person for these reasons. Nothing will convince me some guy has the right to bring home STDs to his pregnant wife. Blech.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> The club has since closed down due to illegal acts. No liquor license, illegal drugs, and suspected prostitution. According to news these things were seen by undercover cops. But I have asked him to find her because I want to talk to her.


I will provide the same advice again. Don't try to track her down to talk to her.

First, if she really is a stripper, she probably has absolutely no memory of your H and what happened months ago. She makes her living by sexually arousing men. To her they are just wallets to be emptied. You said earlier that she extracted $800 from him. Some strippers just do "strip tease" others engage in varying degrees of partial to full prostitution. The woman you want to talk to gave your H an STD, so we know quite a bit about her concern for others.

Next ask yourself what stripper you want to talk to could tell you that would possibly help you deal with your pain. Ask yourself if such a woman could emotionally hurt you. Now remind yourself that this stripper makes her living telling other people things that will make them give her money and she makes them do things they normally will not want to do. She has years of training manipulating others. She has no respect for marriage. She has no respect for you. And since she passed along an STD, she has no respect for the "Johns" she takes money from. Your H was just another John, probably one of many each day she extracted money from.

At the very best she will tell you what she thinks you want to hear. At the worst she will get angry at you and then anything can happen, but it won't be pretty. You are going to be confronting a "woman" who doesn't care about others, doesn't care about what is legal, doesn't care about morals. Standing in front of her, there is no way you can make her tell you the truth. If you try you are just going to set up a confrontation. You can't even get your husband to tell you the whole truth, do you think you can get this stripper to tell you anything?

Decades ago in college, for a year I was the social chairman for my house and arranged keg parties and hired strippers to entertain at some of the parties. Not proud of that. I also arranged socials, outings and dances with women's houses. That was something that I did enjoy. For the most part, the strippers I hired were very manipulative women, some claimed to be in desperate financial situations, but they were always focused on themselves. I would never trust what one said or want to have any relationship with one. There are probably exceptions, but....

Again get yourself into marriage counseling with your H. Ask your questions of him with the counselor present. Let the marriage counselor be the referee in your inquiry. But above all, since you have said you want to remain married to this man, set boundaries in what you expect from him and yourself in your marriage.

If you are in or near a large city, you might want to talk to a marriage counselor to find out if they have a local "John school." In some cities the police work with prostitutes, social workers to put on a school that teaches men about the evils of prostitution. Your husband sounds like he could benefit from this kind of schooling. It is sometimes recommended by judges as an alternative sentence in criminal cases against those that hire prostitutes. Whether your husband wants to admit it or not he hired a prostitute he met while she was performing at a strip club. He sought out this place and knew what he was doing. You said earlier that he spent $800 that night. There is no way he could have spent that kind of money without knowing what he was doing.

You get to choose what you want; marriage or divorce. I hope you can work through the pain he has put you through. Focus on your children. Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> I will provide the same advice again. Don't try to track her down to talk to her.
> 
> First, if she really is a stripper, she probably has absolutely no memory of your H and what happened months ago. She makes her living by sexually arousing men. To her they are just wallets to be emptied. You said earlier that she extracted $800 from him. Some strippers just do "strip tease" others engage in varying degrees of partial to full prostitution. The woman you want to talk to gave your H an STD, so we know quite a bit about her concern for others.
> 
> ...


There was no stripper. Just a skanky girlfriend. See her other thread.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> There was no stripper. Just a skanky girlfriend. See her other thread.


Thanks. It makes sense. I was just trying to respond to what she posted. 

Her H is even more of a jerk. A stripper is skilled in manipulating men, so I would have a tiny bit of sympathy for him putting himself in harms way and then getting used big time. 

If it is a girlfriend affair, he is even more of a jerk to do that with a pregnant wire. I wonder what he really spend the $800 she talked about on..


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Thanks. It makes sense. I was just trying to respond to what she posted.
> 
> Her H is even more of a jerk*. A stripper is skilled in manipulating men, so I would have a tiny bit of sympathy for him putting himself in harms way and then getting used big time.*
> 
> If it is a girlfriend affair, he is even more of a jerk to do that with a pregnant wire. I wonder what he really spend the $800 she talked about on..


gotta give you a hard time in this quote... 
you’d really cut him some slack? Because this stripper wouid have to be using Jedi mind tricks and the guy would have to be incredibly weak in the head. Surely no reasonably intelligent man could be coerced into sex by a stripper. I mean, she’s a stripper.... lol.

hell im a man and wouldn’t cut another man any slack at all for this.... First, he’s a married man, and should know better than to go to a strip club. Second, he’d have to be an idiot to think a stripper thinks HE is so irresistible she just has to have some.
I’d have say, “are you stupid?” You can’t blame the stripper for cheating on your wife??!!!”

This guy was really thinking his wife is a dope to think she’d believe his idiotic story.

again, just nitpicking you..., no offense.😋


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## Drowninginsorrow (Aug 21, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> gotta give you a hard time in this quote...
> you’d really cut him some slack? Because this stripper wouid have to be using Jedi mind tricks and the guy would have to be incredibly weak in the head. Surely no reasonably intelligent man could be coerced into sex by a stripper. I mean, she’s a stripper.... lol.
> 
> hell im a man and wouldn’t cut another man any slack at all for this.... First, he’s a married man, and should know better than to go to a strip club. Second, he’d have to be an idiot to think a stripper thinks HE is so irresistible she just has to have some.
> ...


Besides I know now there was no stripper


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

Wow. TAM popped up an ad while I was in the middle of typing a reply, and then everything went crazy. How does an ad even do that? I'll have to try again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@TheSeaRefusesNoRiver , please clean up your post. Delete all of the quotes and nonsense after your last paragraph. Thank you.

P.S. Click on the 3 vertical dots in the top right of your post and click 'edit'.


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> @TheSeaRefusesNoRiver , please clean up your post. Delete all of the quotes and nonsense after your last paragraph. Thank you.
> 
> P.S. Click on the 3 vertical dots in the top right of your post and click 'edit'.


I already did. I don't understand how a pop up ad even pops up in the middle of typing a reply, much less how it makes such a mess of a post.


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

It sounds like the two of you need to work on your conflict resolution skills. You say that you kicked your husband out of the house because he did something that you didn't like. It sounds like you were punishing him for not doing only/exactly the things that you allow or agree with. Is kicking him out typical of how you resolve disagreements in your marriage? If so, that would seem to run against the grain of a Christian marriage, in which we are supposed to accept each other as individuals and find ways to grow together as a couple while respecting that we are individuals.

It's certainly okay to say "I need some space so we can discuss this when I am in a better frame of mind", and then give each other time to work through things with the constant reassurance that you are together as a couple. It shows respect for each other and the marriage and is much different than, "You are not welcome in this marriage because you did something that I don't agree with. Get out." If nothing else, a constant fear of "my way or the highway" could certainly lead to feeling trapped in an unfulfilling marriage where individuality and needs are not respected. That would seem to open the door to finding ways to feel like he has some control over his life. Possibly even seeking out someone or something to validate him.

I'm sorry to hear that things went so badly off the rails. Best to you both.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TheSeaRefusesNoRiver said:


> It sounds like the two of you need to work on your conflict resolution skills. You say that you kicked your husband out of the house because he did something that you didn't like. It sounds like you were punishing him not doing only/exactly the things that you allow. Is kicking him out typical of how you resolve disagreements in your marriage? If so, that would seem to run against the grain of a Christian marriage, in which we are supposed to accept each other as individuals and find ways to grow together as a couple.
> 
> It's certainly okay to say "I need some space so we can discuss this when I am in a better frame of mind", and then give each other time to work through things with the constant reassurance that you are together as a couple. It shows respect for each other and the marriage and is much different than, "You are not welcome in this marriage because you did something that I don't agree with. Get out." If nothing else, a constant fear of "my way or the highway" could certainly lead to feeling trapped in an unfulfilling marriage where individuality and needs are not respected. That would seem to open the door to finding ways to feel like he has some control over his life. Possibly even seeking out someone or something to validate him.


The dude has been having an affair and being an asshole to her. Her anger in kicking him out was likely due to his own bad behavior. I applaud her for doing it, and wish she could get the courage to kick him out permanently.

She is pregnant and vulnerable and this vile man gave her an STD and continues to lie to her.

He may be a lot of things, but a Christian isn’t among them. I do not believe it possible for a man to be filled with the Holy Spirit and do such despicable things. Please don’t make the lady second guess her decisions. She needs to harden her heart to this man in order to protect herself.


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> The dude has been having an affair and being an asshole to her. Her anger in kicking him out was likely due to his own bad behavior.





Drowninginsorrow said:


> ... I put him out. There was no cheating but I just didn’t like something he did. We argued about it and I decided to put him out when he came home.


Affairs can be both a cause and an effect. Yes, it has since come out that he was cheating. Having an affair or going to a stripper was his choice. He owns that. I wouldn't have done the same, but then I don't know what it's like to live in a marriage where my wife kicks me out because she "just didn't like something he did". My wife respects me more than that.

A Christian marriage takes two people who are committed to being a symbol and manifestation of Christ's love to each other. All that I can suggest is that if she wants to move forward, better communication and conflict resolution skills would seem to be in order. 

Damned popup ad is back. How does anyone post anything this site when you can't see what you're typing?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

TheSeaRefusesNoRiver said:


> Affairs can be both a cause and an effect. Yes, it has since come out that he was cheating. Having an affair or going to a stripper was his choice. He owns that. I wouldn't have done the same, but then I don't know what it's like to live in a marriage where my wife kicks me out because she "just didn't like something he did". My wife respects me more than that.
> 
> A Christian marriage takes two people who are committed to being a symbol and manifestation of Christ's love to each other. All that I can suggest is that if she wants to move forward, better communication and conflict resolution skills would seem to be in order.
> 
> Damned popup ad is back. How does anyone post anything this site when you can't see what you're typing?


Id say you’d have to have Christians in a marriage to have a Christian marriage. Right now there is one pregnant Christian, and one masquerading as a Christian and a man. Communication isn’t going fix this dude unless it’s her communicating to him to get the fugout.

I’m not sure what’s up with your pop ups but I don’t have any issues with them.


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> Right now there is one pregnant Christian, and one masquerading as a Christian and a man.


We as Christians often can't see when we're not behaving the way that Christ taught us to live. Christ recognized that we're human after all, but we often can't see the absence of Christ in our own actions or think we have good reason or justification. Kicking a spouse out of a marriage "just because she didn't like what he did" is a form of criticism that invites defensiveness from her spouse. These are two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in Dr. Gottman's terms. In a Christian marriage, these undermine the presence of Christ in the marriage because problems don't get resolved and resentment takes root. 

We each have to work to live a Christian marriage, including seeking to understand, accept, and forgive our spouse when we disagree or, in this case, when they have strayed. I don't know this couple and don't know why he cheated. It sounds like there was a lot going on in the marriage. Feeling criticized, marginalized, and devalued in a marriage is a powerful incentive to seek out compassionate human contact outside of the marriage. Understanding whether or not that was the case may help the two of them heal their marriage, if that's the case. 

Whether what he did makes him any less Christian than her depends on a deeper insight into their love relationship, which one of them you ask, and who is throwing the first stone I guess.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

TheSeaRefusesNoRiver said:


> We as Christians often can't see when we're not behaving the way that Christ taught us to live. Christ recognized that we're human after all, but we often can't see the absence of Christ in our own actions or think we have good reason or justification. Kicking a spouse out of a marriage "just because she didn't like what he did" is a form of criticism that invites defensiveness from her spouse. These are two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in Dr. Gottman's terms. In a Christian marriage, these undermine the presence of Christ in the marriage because problems don't get resolved and resentment takes root.
> 
> We each have to work to live a Christian marriage, including seeking to understand, accept, and forgive our spouse when we disagree or, in this case, when they have strayed. I don't know this couple and don't know why he cheated. It sounds like there was a lot going on in the marriage. Feeling criticized, marginalized, and devalued in a marriage is a powerful incentive to seek out compassionate human contact outside of the marriage. Understanding whether or not that was the case may help the two of them heal their marriage, if that's the case.
> 
> Whether what he did makes him any less Christian than her depends on a deeper insight into their love relationship, which one of them you ask, and who is throwing the first stone I guess.


I don’t even know where you’re going with this. The man cheated, she has Christian grounds to kick his butt to the curb and never speak to him again.


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> I don’t even know where you’re going with this. The man cheated, she has Christian grounds to kick his butt to the curb and never speak to him again.


She kicked him to the curb when she didn't know that he was cheating. It's easy to be a Christian when we ignore the times when we don't act like one.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Besides I know now there was no stripper


Of course there wasn't. There isn't a person who has replied to you who doesn't feel for you. Many on here have been through it. Unfortunately most are giving you good advice. There are no good choices for you at this point. Only bad ones. There are no options that will make you feel better right now. Only painful ones. We are sorry for your pain and all we can do is give you the best advice from people who have seen it before.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

TheSeaRefusesNoRiver said:


> It's easy to be a Christian when we ignore the times when we don't act like one.


Righteousness is certainly easier when we ignore what we may have done to hurt our spouse. 

Wishing you best of health OP.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

TheSeaRefusesNoRiver said:


> She kicked him to the curb when she didn't know that he was cheating. It's easy to be a Christian when we ignore the times when we don't act like one.


Yes, I’m sure he was a loving and devoted husband and father during the time he was carrying on with a side piece that she had no idea about. How dare she tell poor schmoopie to leave the house.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> gotta give you a hard time in this quote...
> you’d really cut him some slack? Because this stripper wouid have to be using Jedi mind tricks and the guy would have to be incredibly weak in the head. Surely no reasonably intelligent man could be coerced into sex by a stripper. I mean, she’s a stripper.... lol.
> 
> hell im a man and wouldn’t cut another man any slack at all for this.... First, he’s a married man, and should know better than to go to a strip club. Second, he’d have to be an idiot to think a stripper thinks HE is so irresistible she just has to have some.
> ...


I sort of agree, but...... 

First you are absolutely correct that he was an idiot to think he had anything but a client monetary relationship with a stripper. I mean from what we are told, he put himself in harms way by going to a strip club (although Blondilocks and Drowndinginsorrow say the other woman wasn't a stripper, but a skank girlfriend). I have seen men manipulated by sexy women and it is a pathetic thing to watch. Some women can wrap certain kinds of "men" around their little finger, but that doesn't excuse what happened.

To me marriage is about commitment. That means not putting yourself in a position to stray. It also means getting out of anything before it gets complicated. Giving his pregnant wife an STD shows that this guy was not thinking with the head on his shoulders no matter who he was with.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her anger in kicking him out was likely due to his own bad behavior.


Nah ....... "I want you out of my house" is the absolute and immediate end of relationship.
I may not have left at that precise moment, but I'd be planning an exit within the next week or two.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Besides I know now there was no stripper


I am so sorry for your situation. Stay strong for you and your children. Remember you get to decide what you want or don't want and that includes the father of your children, who cheated on you. No matter what happens, you need to work on your ability to set boundaries. You also need to find ways to emotionally heal from this.

Good luck


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Nah ....... "I want you out of my house" is the absolute and immediate end of relationship.
> I may not have left at that precise moment, but I'd be planning an exit within the next week or two.


So the man had a girlfriend on the side, carried on an affair…(from my own experience I know life with a cheater can be intolerable whether you know or not) and when they likely get into a fight over his sh!tty behavior, her telling him to leave was what ended the marriage and gives him free rein to go screw his girlfriend scot free? No. I don’t buy it. His affair was not her fault at all, before, after, during. She didn’t cause it. 

And obviously… she is going to try very hard to believe him. She is too afraid to be divorced and alone when she has twins on the way. I can’t actually blame her. I feel bad for her. But don’t blame her. Her husband is still the same tool he was two months ago though.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> her telling him to leave was what ended the marriage


Yep.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Yep.


sure. That’s why he’s back kissing her ass.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Nah ....... "I want you out of my house" is the absolute and immediate end of relationship.
> I may not have left at that precise moment, but I'd be planning an exit within the next week or two.


You clearly think little of marriage


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You clearly think little of marriage


I think everything of marriage, I've been married 42 years (not always the same wife), nearly all my adult life.
But I also have a little bit of self respect (which many men don't appear to have).
So I'm not going to surrender myself to the wishes of a selfish woman.

I certainly don't care about the previous occupation of my wife.
The past is over, now is what counts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Nah ....... "I want you out of my house" is the absolute and immediate end of relationship.
> I may not have left at that precise moment, but I'd be planning an exit within the next week or two.


I hope this guy thinks as you do, she needs to be rid of the wretched man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I think everything of marriage, I've been married 42 years (not always the same wife), nearly all my adult life.
> But I also have a little bit of self respect (which many men don't appear to have).
> So I'm not going to surrender myself to the wishes of a selfish woman.
> 
> ...


What relevance is her previous occupation to this thread?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I hope this guy thinks as you do, she needs to be rid of the wretched man.


Yup.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What relevance is her previous occupation to this thread?


Sorry, but I'm gonna have to put you on ignore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Sorry, but I'm gonna have to put you on ignore.





ElwoodPDowd said:


> Sorry, but I'm gonna have to put you on ignore.


Fine by me. Was only asking. 🤔


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP,
I'm sorry you're struggling with this while pregnant, I can't even imagine how lost and vulnerable you must feel. Many folks here have given you some solid advice. It's a bitter pill to swallow when you have no good choices. I don't see it mentioned anyway, but have you had counseling? 

Please don't let posters like @ElwoodPDowd make you second guess yourself. He's "married" and screwing around on his "wife", and judging from his comments, his mentality is more in line with your husband's.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, has he gone to see the pastor or one of the elders for accountability?



For a Christian that is very important. Also is there an older mature Christian couple in the church who you know and trust who you could regularly meet with and pray with?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Op, has he gone to see the pastor or one of the elders for accountability?
> 
> 
> 
> For a Christian that is very important. Also is there an older mature Christian couple in the church who you know and trust who you could regularly meet with and pray with?


My guess is he is keeping this fully in the dark where the unrepentant adulterers prefer it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> My guess is he is keeping this fully in the dark where the unrepentant adulterers prefer it.


. Yes!
For me it would be a condition he had to fulfill. The worst thing for op is for it all to be kept quiet.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Op is likely munching on “the sandwich”, is overdosing on Hopium, and giving old boy “another chance”. She doesn’t want the truth, never has wanted the truth, and won’t accept the truth. The poor lady has let this guy have 5 kids with her and he’s running around eating cake like a starving goat at a picnic. She probably thinks that lightning will strike him and he’ll change his ways if she prays hard enough. Good luck OP.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Op is likely munching on “the sandwich”, is overdosing on Hopium, and giving old boy “another chance”. She doesn’t want the truth, never has wanted the truth, and won’t accept the truth. The poor lady has let this guy have 5 kids with her and he’s running around eating cake like a starving goat at a picnic. She probably thinks that lightning will strike him and he’ll change his ways if she prays hard enough. Good luck OP.


I’ve been there. It’s a horrible existence.


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