# Disclosing Active Restraining Order against Ex to new partner



## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

The abuse was so horrific that the judge granted a 2 year restraining order against my ex husband. The entire ordeal was devastating and shameful, I don't feel comfortable talking about it, except with my therapist.

I haven't disclosed the abuse or active restraining order to my new partner (about 3 months in), and this has been eating me up. I realize it's selfish of me to reveal this information rather late in the game. 

Guys, would this be a dealbreaker for you?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Why wouldn't you tell your partner ?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not a deal breaker in my opinion. I would appreciate that you decided to tell me in case I need to keep my eyes open for an issue with the other guy. Not usually a problem because these losers are only brave enough to attack women


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the only reason I could imagine for not telling him is because it was hurtful for you to relive it , or that it was fake which in your case is not fake as you would not be here asking if is was , 
the wounds that hurt most are often the hardest to talk about , 
for me there was one subject I never talked about that was my wife's miscarriage the loss of our baby and not having a grave , 
The second night I went out with my wife we double dated with her friend and at one part of the night going from restaurant to a night club her friend came with me in my car and my girlfriend went with her bf , 
where her friend told me to be kind as my gf now wife was raped before and she is still hurting , it was 6 month later my wife told me , and two weeks before the wedding she was able tell me the full story and and other things she thought was too big not to tell


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Wouldn’t bother me at all (as a guy). I would feel empathy towards the woman in a case like that.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's a public record. 

Not disclosing it could create bigger problems. If the new person knows that is one more set of eyes to be vigilant . Depending on how nuts the EX is, doesn't a new person have a right to know that they are now a potential target?


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Guys, would this be a dealbreaker for you?


Not a deal breaker.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Jimi007 said:


> Why wouldn't you tell your partner ?


Shame. Humiliation. Also, I don't want to be treated like a victim. Fear that he'll leave (too much baggage, I'm still forced to coparent with my ex).


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> the only reason I could imagine for not telling him is because it was hurtful for you to relive it , or that it was fake which in your case is not fake as you would not be here asking if is was ,
> the wounds that hurt most are often the hardest to talk about ,
> for me there was one subject I never talked about that was my wife's miscarriage the loss of our baby and not having a grave ,
> The second night I went out with my wife we double dated with her friend and at one part of the night going from restaurant to a night club her friend came with me in my car and my girlfriend went with her bf ,
> where her friend told me to be kind as my gf now wife was raped before and she is still hurting , it was 6 month later my wife told me , and two weeks before the wedding she was able tell me the full story and and other things she thought was too big not to tell


Did knowledge about her past trauma change your opinion about her? Did you treat her differently after you knew?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Why are you shamed or humiliated? You didn't abuse yourself. You should be proud that you got out!

If he leaves because you have too much baggage he wasn't a good guy but perhaps it's time to unpack your bags to lighten your own load. Hanging on to a new guy through fear isn't the answer.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> It's a public record.
> 
> Not disclosing it could create bigger problems. If the new person knows that is one more set of eyes to be vigilant . Depending on how nuts the EX is, doesn't a new person have a right to know that they are now a potential target?


Yes, it's public record. If anyone went digging they'd find a treasure trove of items about the domestic violence.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Why are you shamed or humiliated? You didn't abuse yourself. You should be proud that you got out!
> 
> If he leaves because you have too much baggage he wasn't a good guy but perhaps it's time to unpack your bags to lighten your own load. Hanging on to a new guy through fear isn't the answer.


Thanks for the feedback. It's not just the coparenting, I fear that my ex will go after him. My ex went after everyone who tried to support me. Family, friends, co workers etc. He would stalk, call, threaten, show up at people's doorsteps etc. I'm the only one he hit, though. He once tried to fight his own brother, though. But his brother was much bigger.

I'm always looking over my shoulder when we're out in public, and recommending hanging out in further out locations.

The restraining order has really helped. The ex is very restrained now.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

That's why you need to tell the new guy especially if he's a potential target. If he cares about you, he should stay if you warn him If he finds out because your EX does something to him, in his shoes I'd walk away because you took away his right to be prepared.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I would tell him, but there’s no need to go into details. Down the road if your relationship gets serious and you have feelings for each other, then I would share details since it was a part of your life.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Shame. Humiliation. Also, I don't want to be treated like a victim. Fear that he'll leave (too much baggage, I'm still forced to coparent with my ex).


I think you should tell him if you expect this relationship to get serious. I assume he already knows you have an ex since you have kids. You can lead with not wanting to be treated like a victim. I think he should know because if your ex-husband is extremely violent there could be a possibility he could do something stupid to your new BF.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It would be more of dealbreaker to learn that I was with someone that hides things from me.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. It's not just the coparenting, I fear that my ex will go after him. My ex went after everyone who tried to support me. Family, friends, co workers etc. He would stalk, call, threaten, show up at people's doorsteps etc. I'm the only one he hit, though. He once tried to fight his own brother, though. But his brother was much bigger.
> 
> I'm always looking over my shoulder when we're out in public, and recommending hanging out in further out locations.
> 
> The restraining order has really helped. The ex is very restrained now.


Personally, I could understand not wanting to disclose that to someone fairly new. That being said, this is probably where you better vet your partner quick. I VERY much would like to know about things that pertain to safety and security. It's a test of trust, but one you better deal with soon. 

If I were in your man's shoes, all I would need to know are military/LEO type briefs. "I have an RO/NCO against my ex. He is dangerous to me and others. I don't want to discuss any more details about it right now".... I would respect the privacy aspect but it would at least get my ears up so I can be on guard, if nothing else, for my own safety. 

I hope you maintain security cams and vigilant approach. Sounds like this guy will trip up soon and you need to be thinking 'evidence'. Hopefully your new guy is not an idiot and can act responsibly with the information. All I have read in one post indicates to me this guy WILL slip and end up in a jail cell. Don't let your new guy get mixed in a DV altercation unless needed. Play smart. Think about where cameras are. 

I won't go into details as some here are very passive, but ALWAYS remember that when seconds count, the cops are minutes away! Cover your 6 like they don't exist!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sierralyn20 said:


> The abuse was so horrific that the judge granted a 2 year restraining order against my ex husband. The entire ordeal was devastating and shameful, I don't feel comfortable talking about it, except with my therapist.
> 
> I haven't disclosed the abuse or active restraining order to my new partner (about 3 months in), and this has been eating me up. I realize it's selfish of me to reveal this information rather late in the game.
> 
> Guys, would this be a dealbreaker for you?


3 months isn't all that long. I don't think you have to disclose that right this minute. Maybe if you guys talk about different things it will just sort of come up related to something you're already talking about sometime and you'll feel more comfortable. All you have to tell is that there was a lot of abuse. You should also tell them if you have any residual problems such as sexual problems or mental problems or commitment problems because of it because that's what's really pertinent to them.

I'm sorry you went through whatever that was because it sounds awful. It seems to me if someone needs to be on a restraining order for 2 years their ass ought to be in the prison.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Jimi007 said:


> Why wouldn't you tell your partner ?


Probably for fear the guy will bolt


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

First of all, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I imagine that’s residual from what he’s done TO you. That being said, you said yourself you fear the ex could go after the new. That right there obligates you to tell him the potential, even if it’s slim, for his own safety. And he absolutely has a right to decide if he wants to be involved in this type of situation, even though it is not your fault. Do you have a son? Think of your son in this dating situation. I have an 18 year old son, and would hate to think of him being hurt, or worse, because someone knew he could potentially be the recipient of an attack and didn’t tell him to at least be extra aware of his surroundings. If you care about this man at all he deserves to know this.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

If it helps my wife had a past r.o. issued against an ex-bf of hers. I had no issue at all with this and I don't think a decent guy would.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

If you have concerns that your ex may violently confront or target your boyfriend, then you absolutely need to tell him about this so he can be prepared.

Maybe it influences his perceptions about your judgment, maybe it doesn’t. 
But if you have concerns, and say nothing, and there’s an incident, that will be on you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just tell them the story.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I have dealt with enough nutjobs with restraining orders against them, so personally, I can't see myself signing up to deal with another one. 

We see people here all the time who are dealing with the crazy ex and people comment "well, why did you marry them knowing ...". I don't think anyone is a bad person for not wanting to invite that sort of drama into their life. 

If your ex is a danger to him, then tell him that. If he decides to stay, you tell him as much information as you are comfortable with. If he decides to leave based on what you do or do not tell him, that's his right.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Tell them. Not your shame to carry. 

And he also has the right to choose if he stays. This is fair, despite that you may not think so, I think it’s important for a prospective partner to make a decision. Now this benefits you too, because if a man is not keen on you because of this scenario, it’s better for you if you part ways. You want someone to choose you with the whole package that you bring. 

Also, most domestic abusers don’t usually go after men. So unless his violent past shows a pattern of being violent with men, he’s likely to continue to Harass women and children. Most abusers are of the women-and-children sort, and are too weak to get in another man’s face.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

We were together this evening, and I sat him down and told him about the existence of the restraining order.

He was very empathetic, thanked me for trusting in him, and asked some follow up questions:

1. When the abuse started.
2. Whether I'm in therapy/ seeking professional counseling.
3. What happens when the 2 years expire
4. If I have a good lawyer

I apologized for not telling him sooner, but he said not to worry, people open up when they're ready to.
He was so caring and compassionate about the whole thing, I wondered if he "really gets it". He was as calm as a cucumber.

He then said he had to restrain his ex-wife physically once (hold her arms down when she lunged at him), but didn't elaborate, maybe because he saw my facial expression. Should I have probed some more??

I sure hope I'm not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I don't trust my judgment anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sierralyn20 said:


> We were together this evening, and I sat him down and told him about the existence of the restraining order.
> 
> He was very empathetic, thanked me for trusting in him, and asked some follow up questions:
> 
> ...


You can ask him more about him restraining his wife later. That doesn't sound great though so proceed with caution.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Sierralyn20 said:


> We were together this evening, and I sat him down and told him about the existence of the restraining order.
> 
> He was very empathetic, thanked me for trusting in him, and asked some follow up questions:
> 
> ...


He is VERY likely trying to share a similar story, thinking that will help. You are hyper sensitive right now. 

I will tell you my first ex thing ended because she could not handle my authority outburts with our kids. Turns out, she had trauma from a previous FIL so she projected all that BS on me. In the end, we are obviously done, and even our therapist asked the question to her, "so, is it EVER ok for him to be mad?" She said, "yes, but not show it"...... I am SO out! I refuse to live like that. 

These are ALL the reasons I don't date anymore. Women date/marry psychos out of the blocks, then flick all that on every man they ever meet. Believe me, I've had women straight ask me, "have you ever received an RO?" This apparently should be first date material these days. 

I will be frank, you married a total psycho. I know ALL the really good looking women around here have done just that....including my own exes. I have learned......that attractive women pick psychos as top shelf, so being a "decent guy" means you are not first pick by a long shot.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm glad you told him, given that your ex has a history of going after others I feel you absolutely had to tell him. I hope you told him that part.

I wouldn't be too concerned about him having to restrain his ex - you don't have all the facts, get those first and then make a decision accordingly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

As the ex seems to be a nutter , and tried things on family and other friends that helped you it is a must you let the new guy know who the nutter is and to warn him what could happen ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

most people that get divorce do it and don't bring the world into it but we have one guy in our area , you would think every one in the area had something to do with him and his wife getting divorce , he turned against all in the area , talks about all as two faced , and hypercritical, and it was him that got caught cheating


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Well, if you don't tell him although he is a potential target you're putting your well being and interests over his. Doesn't make you a good partner.

And if you're afraid tp lose a guy because he knows the truth, instead of understanding that it would only disclose that he isn't a good partner, you are again making a poor choice in men/live.

If you behave like this and make decisions like this, it is no surprise you end up with potentially bad partners.

If being with someone is more important to you then being honest and getting to know the true nature of the other person, then good luck with this.
I think you should wake up.

I am sorry for your past abuse. But desperately clinging to the next relationship and lieing is not helping you.

Disclose it. Don't need to tell details about what happened. Everyone around you needs to know. Your new relationship is the least problem you have at the moment.
Even if your ex seems calm now, it doesn't mean he isn't planning the next strike. 
Therefore, you need to stay alerted for a bit more.

If something happens to your new boyfriend and you didn't warn him... oh lord.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He then said he had to restrain his ex-wife physically once (hold her arms down when she lunged at him), but didn't elaborate, maybe because he saw my facial expression. Should I have probed some more??


When someone is sharing news, especially bad news, people love trying to come up with a "me too" story. 

I wouldn't get worried about it yet. His ex may have been physically abusive or mentally ill. Both could require physical restraint to protect himself and/or his ex. 

If you want more information, ask. No harm in that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Very glad you told him. His empathy and kindness probably feels a little unnerving but also pretty great when you have dealt with an abuser for so long. Just keep being open and I don’t see anything wrong with probing into your bf’s past, when appropriate. If you see a future with him, the more you know, the better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Are your children safe staying with your ex?


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## Reluctant Texan (6 mo ago)

Sierralyn20 said:


> We were together this evening, and I sat him down and told him about the existence of the restraining order.
> 
> He was very empathetic, thanked me for trusting in him, and asked some follow up questions:
> 
> ...


You did the right thing. It shows you care for him, which is good, b/c if you didn't I think people would be right to question your motivation & commitment to the relationship.

As far as his comment about having to restrain his ex-wife, I agree with others that he was likely sharing this out of a sense of understanding, i.e. trying to show that he understood that domestic violence can occur in any case, and he was not judging you for being a victim.

For the record: I think in _ALL _cases where one party is a victim of DV, and the perpetrator is still around or has persisted in ongoing abuse, potential romantic partners should be informed. If that scares people off, well, so be it. But I know I would be furious if I got attacked or had my property damaged by my new GF's crazy ex, and she only told me _after the fact_ that she had a restraining order against him. I would end it for sure right away. But if she gave me a head's up, at least I'd have the chance to weigh the risk for myself.



Diana7 said:


> Are your children safe staying with your ex?


Yeah, I'm wondering about that too. How does he still have any measure of custody of the kids?

I know courts generally prioritize parental rights to see their kids, even when they find the parent unfit to care for them, but in this case it sounds like that's just subjecting her to further physical abuse.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Are your children safe staying with your ex?


For the most part, yes. They're in their late teens and have a relationship with him. 
He can be very charming and manipulative, buys expensive gifts and takes them on expensive vacations. 
They witnessed their dad strike me several times.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Reluctant Texan said:


> You did the right thing. It shows you care for him, which is good, b/c if you didn't I think people would be right to question your motivation & commitment to the relationship.
> 
> As far as his comment about having to restrain his ex-wife, I agree with others that he was likely sharing this out of a sense of understanding, i.e. trying to show that he understood that domestic violence can occur in any case, and he was not judging you for being a victim.
> 
> ...


The kids are in their late teens (youngest a senior in high school, older child in college). 
Because there were no acts of violence against the kids, the judge awarded primary custody to me, and unlimited visitation to him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> For the most part, yes. They're in their late teens and have a relationship with him.
> He can be very charming and manipulative, buys expensive gifts and takes them on expensive vacations.
> They witnessed their dad strike me several times.


I can't imagine wanting to be with a man who hit my mother.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Sierralyn20 said:


> I sure hope I'm not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I don't trust my judgment anymore.


To be quite honest, you shouldn't. It is very likely that you do not have a good picker. At three months of dating, you do not know this person very well. Proceed slowly and with great care.



Diana7 said:


> I can't imagine wanting to be with a man who hit my mother.


Stop. This is their father. The court has seen all evidence and made an equitable judgement. Do not put this on the kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

harperlee said:


> To be quite honest, you shouldn't. It is very likely that you do not have a good picker. At three months of dating, you do not know this person very well. Proceed slowly and with great care.
> 
> 
> 
> Stop. This is their father. The court has seen all evidence and made an equitable judgement. Do not put this on the kids.


Yes its their father but he is a wife beater. Is that a good example for them?


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Sierralyn20 said:


> *The kids are in their late teens (youngest a senior in high school, older child in college).*
> Because there were no acts of violence against the kids, the judge awarded primary custody to me, and unlimited visitation to him.





Diana7 said:


> Yes its their father but he is a wife beater. Is that a good example for them?


Nope.
She has primary custody. The kids (young adults) are able to voice their concerns. 
This isn't Disney.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Is this list shallow? Someone mentioned that my picker might be broken.
I tried listing some likes and dislikes and here's what I came up with.

My concerns (not necessarily show stoppers):

1. moderate politically (what does this even mean?)
2. Not a good texter, prefers phone calls.
3. Might be a poor communicator, doesn't feel comfortable with difficult topics i.e my drinking
4. Says no when I offer to do stuff for him i.e cook
5. wants to pay for everything
6. Likes talking about himself, gets carried away
7. Difference in hobbies. He camps, fishes, hunts, and shoots firearms. I prefer being out in the town, dancing, poetry readings, visiting galleries, wineries etc.
8. Limited availability (see each other once or twice per week)
9. non drinker
-10. has 3 dogs (I'm not a pet person)
11. Cancelled third date at the beginning, though he promptly apologized and here we are now
12. Busy career, always stressed out
13. 8 yr age gap (seems more of a concern to him, always joked that he's "old")
14. Enjoys cuddling on the couch (a bit too much?)

Likes:
1. He is into me - solid in communication and reliable now
2. Loyal and values exclusivity
3. Kind and compassionate
4. Very great sense of humor
5. Has seen me at my worst (I got too drunk) and isn't judgmental
6. I feel loved and beautiful
7. great father to his two boys
8. Great relationship with ex wife, it seems
9. Treats service people well
10. Offers good advice
11. pro choice
12. loving and affectionate
13. Does things for me
14. takes care of himself
15. Great sexual chemistry- we can't keep our hands off each other
16. Respects boundaries
17. Remembers minor things about me
18. Always excited to see me
19. Enjoys spending time with me
20. Loves his mother and sister


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

I said your picker is likely broken.
I said proceed with great care, for yourself.
If all seems well, go forward. When you have a sense that something is off, do not brush it aside, make excuses or tell yourself that you are being paranoid. Take yourself seriously. You failed that once, I know this makes you feel defensive.
Don't do it again.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Is this list shallow? Someone mentioned that my picker might be broken.
> I tried listing some likes and dislikes and here's what I came up with.
> 
> My concerns (not necessarily show stoppers):
> ...


If you have to write a list, he ain't the one! You already know that, but.......you need to drag him along while you shop for something better? Some of your list indicates you are probably in your 20s and immature.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> My concerns (not necessarily show stoppers):
> 
> 1. moderate politically (what does this even mean?)
> 2. Not a good texter, prefers phone calls.
> ...


On balance the pros seem to outweigh the cons. The pros are abut his character. The cons are mostly your preferences. Let me address each by #

1. I think politically moderate at this stage simply means he doesn't want to talk about it because the extremes of both sides turn him off. 

2. Text v voice is a personal preference Unless you are middle schoolers this is not a valid consideration for adults. (in full disclosure I hate texting & firmly believe you cannot have a meaningful conversation through text because you need the non-verbal cues from voice & sight)

3 & 9 Him not talking about your drinking & you being concerned that he doesn't drink is a huge point of incompatibility. Before you right off his position take a long hard look in the mirror & determine if your drinking might actually be a problem. Even if it's not this fundamental difference alone may doom you. 

4 & 5 he's probably just trying to court you in a manly way to show he's a good provider. If it's a control thing that would be bad. 

6. OK, he might be a braggard. This one is legitimate & not likely to change. 

7. You don't have to do every hobby together. If he's willing to dress up once in a while, you need to be open to being outside more. I fished with my EX even though I hate fish. Basically I just sat there & read a book. It was fine. 

8 & 12 Everybody is overworked & stressed these days. Seeing each other 2x per week this early -- only a few months in -- seems like a good pace. Your desire for more - especially if above 4x per week may be unrealistic. He needs time to integrate you into his life. 

10 The pets are a package deal. You can't ask him to give them up. This too may be a deal breaker. 

11. It's time to let that go. Things happen. He apologized. If you can't get over this despite all the other good stuff, you are the problem at this point. 

13. That's his hang up. Be reassuring. It will pass. 

14. Do you have something against cuddling? Or are you saying there are few dates & he just wants to Netflix & chill?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> If you have to write a list, he ain't the one! You already know that, but.......you need to drag him along while you shop for something better? Some of your list indicates you are probably in your 20s and immature.


And which ones make me seem immature? Ouch.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> On balance the pros seem to outweigh the cons. The pros are abut his character. The cons are mostly your preferences. Let me address each by #
> 
> 1. I think politically moderate at this stage simply means he doesn't want to talk about it because the extremes of both sides turn him off.
> 
> ...


I love to cuddle, but of late there are fewer dates. We makes plans, I get dressed, but we don't make it out the door. Clothes come off, and we spent hours in bed and order in. 

We do date nights out sometimes, but we have to get dressed again.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Sierralyn20 said:


> And which ones make me seem immature? Ouch.


Come on, really? Everything you have provided so far indicates your p**sy is doing the talking here. All good, but if it's "so good", stop with the 30 questions and just accept it for what it is.....a fling!!!

I certainly don't condemn such things. You are young, and hell, I am very open here that this is really all I will ever invest in a "tango" situation anyway. LTR is a done deal for me so I have no judgments at all. 

But your list and behaviors tells me you are young, likely attractive, and enjoy attention. What I recommend is you start to sort out your stuff before you are in your 40s, making desperate tictoks about "where are all the guys?" lol 

I am inundated with women my own age, and I refuse all of them. You have already let your hormones select one psycho, I am curious if you learned anything there? Seems not since you can't make it out the door. 

I am not really trying to make a post to 'insult' you, but trying to enlighten a bit. I doubt I am very far off in my assessment. Not my first rodeo.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Not a dealbreaker.

It is your decision when you feel comfortable enough to share with him. It might never be ok to share this.

If you do and he gets upset about it, then he is a total loser that you don’t need to waste time on.

Only 3 months in, you hardly know one another yet.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> I love to cuddle, but of late there are fewer dates. We makes plans, I get dressed, but we don't make it out the door. Clothes come off, and we spent hours in bed and order in.
> 
> We do date nights out sometimes, but we have to get dressed again.


That's not about cuddling then. It's him making you feel like a booty call. Remember, we teach people how to treat us so it's time for you to revise the lesson plan


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well I wouldn't look twice at a guy who thought killing and maiming wild animals was 'fun' but that's me.

He has three dogs and you don't like dogs. How will that work. 

Honestly as has been said if you are having to do pros and cons already he probably isn't the one for you. 

Red flags already.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Well I wouldn't look twice at a guy who thought killing and maiming wild animals was 'fun' but that's me.
> 
> He has three dogs and you don't like dogs. How will that work.
> 
> ...


Having a difference of lifestyle is NOT a red flag!!I haven't read of one thing this guy does that is "flagish", other than he is blind to the fact that he will be monkey branched. 

I get tired of hearing and reading of these "flags". Apparently hunting/fishing (a hobby) is a flag. Then not having a hobby is also a flag. Women should come with an instruction manual of "acceptable hobbies" that remain flagless. 

Personally, I would put a flag on this woman for not liking dogs!!! As someone that has my service dog with me about 99% of the time, I find that most women and men love dogs, even if they don't have their own. Smarter women know that how a man treats his dog may very well be a testament to how he treats women. 

As someone that trains dogs, I will say that I have learned to assess people based on the breed they own, and the entire interaction.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Having a difference of lifestyle is NOT a red flag!!I haven't read of one thing this guy does that is "flagish", other than he is blind to the fact that he will be monkey branched.
> 
> I get tired of hearing and reading of these "flags". Apparently hunting/fishing (a hobby) is a flag. Then not having a hobby is also a flag. Women should come with an instruction manual of "acceptable hobbies" that remain flagless.
> 
> ...


Thats one of the red flags, that he loves dogs and she doesn't. I wasnt meaning just red flags for him(although to me he wouldn't be an option) but red flags for a relationship because of their real differences that may well cause issues later on.


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