# I am so tired of the negativity



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

My husband and I are trying to concieve. We have encountered nothing but negativity outside of our close friends and family about having children. We are young and we know that, but the negativity really doesn't help our situation or make things any easier for us. I'm at my wits end with it, and I'd hate to break contact with people just because of something so stupid. I don't understand what the big issue is. It's our life, why can't they live and let live?


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Well how old are you? Are you both financially stable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Perhaps they are trying to look out for your best interest? How old are you all? Any major health or mental concerns? Money issues? Is it just one or two people thats being negative about it? Or lots of family members? In the end, the decision will come down to you and your husband, but right now we need more details about whats going on.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You don't say how old you and your H are, nor what sort of negativity you're experiencing, OP. Generally, though, I find that not discussing sensitive issues with people gives them no room for comment.


----------



## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Like you said, it's your life and ultimately it is your decision as a couple to have a child. Without knowing all the details, maybe you can explain to these naysayers that their negativity is bothering you and you would prefer them to be more constructive if they must have an opinion.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

ubercoolpanda said:


> Well how old are you? Are you both financially stable?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are both 23, I will be 24 next month. We wouldn't be trying to have a baby if we weren't financially stable.


CallaLily said:


> Perhaps they are trying to look out for your best interest? How old are you all? Any major health or mental concerns? Money issues? Is it just one or two people thats being negative about it? Or lots of family members? In the end, the decision will come down to you and your husband, but right now we need more details about whats going on.


There is no best interest to look out for though. Them being negative is also FAR from looking out for our best interest. I sometimes feel they are being negative just for the sake of being negative. There are not really any major health issues or concerns or any financial issues. It's more than one or two. It seems like none of them can say anything to me because they don't want me to know that they know we are trying. I really do'nt see what other details can be needed? If there are specifics, ask.


Cosmos said:


> You don't say how old you and your H are, nor what sort of negativity you're experiencing, OP. Generally, though, I find that not discussing sensitive issues with people gives them no room for comment.


It's negativity in gossip. People around us have some how found out that we are trying to have a baby and have nothing but mean and negative things to say to others and the things that are being said to me are hinting that I am making a bad decision without saying it to my face. They won't come out and say "We know you are trying and we don't think it's a good idea for X reason", it's more of "I hope you two don't have kids any time soon", "You aren't planning on having kids for a few more years right", "You two know that this isn't a good time for kids because of X", "It's a good thing you've been smart enough not to get pregnant" etc. I have NOT discussed these issues with these people, and outside of them finding me discussing this kind of stuff on support forums I don't know how they found out. Unless of course someone close to me can't keep their mouth shut.


Liam said:


> Like you said, it's your life and ultimately it is your decision as a couple to have a child. Without knowing all the details, maybe you can explain to these naysayers that their negativity is bothering you and you would prefer them to be more constructive if they must have an opinion.


I have tried to say it politely, but it doesn't seem to get anywhere. Things like "Thanks, but we will make those decisions as a couple, without outside input". Saying something more will just create more problems it seems.


----------



## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Tikii said:


> We are both 23, I will be 24 next month. We wouldn't be trying to have a baby if we weren't financially stable.
> 
> There is no best interest to look out for though. Them being negative is also FAR from looking out for our best interest. I sometimes feel they are being negative just for the sake of being negative. There are not really any major health issues or concerns or any financial issues. It's more than one or two. It seems like none of them can say anything to me because they don't want me to know that they know we are trying. I really do'nt see what other details can be needed? If there are specifics, ask.
> 
> ...


I see. It does seem a difficult situation. 23/24 _is_ pretty young, but I always say as long as a couple is committed to one another and financially stable - why not start a family? Our son arrived when I was 22 and my wife 21, and we were far from financially stable! Here we are, almost 10 years later though 

I know you probably can't do this with your family, but maybe you should step back a bit from these friends. Like you said, you don't need the negativity.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

We have been trying to concieve since we were 18 years old. 
No one knows the true struggle we have been through, or the emotions that we feel on a day to day basis. I hate to seem like a horrible person for cutting people out or moving them away, but I can't deal with the negativity. They aren't in my position, and they have no idea what they are talking about. I hate to be rude,but I sometimes feel that I don't have any other option.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm assuming you all have been to the doctor? You both have been checked for fertility issues? What kinds of negative things are they saying?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tikii said:


> the negativity really doesn't help our situation or make things any easier for us. I'm at my wits end with it, and I'd hate to break contact with people


Why? Your outside relationships are voluntary. It people outside your marriage are affecting you and your husband in a negative fashion, it seems to me that it is your duty to break contact with them. You surely have enough on your plate already. Find some new friends that have a different view on family creation


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Some of them really aren't voluntary unfortunately. I want to cut people off but I don't want to seem like a b****.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You could just tell them, if they want to continue in your life, they can just change the subject..


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tikii said:


> Some of them really aren't voluntary unfortunately. I want to cut people off but I don't want to seem like a b****.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes we can't always be Mr. Nice Guy. Ask them to keep their comments to themselves and if they are repeatedly unable to do that, warn them that you may have to retreat from your relationship


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I'm assuming you all have been to the doctor? You both have been checked for fertility issues? What kinds of negative things are they saying?


I have been, I've got several severe issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

It's really pretty amazing what medical science can do these days. Infertility is one of the most difficult things a couple can have to face. We had some problems but when we finally found the right doctor, he fixed us right up. The skills of the practitioner can make a big difference.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

We have seen multiple doctorsand at this point have been given little to no hope of natural conception. I've been told to start thinking about IVF, but cannot justify the tens of thousands of dollars that will cost us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hubbyfetish (Oct 2, 2012)

like Ten_Year_hubby says....do not hesitate to break contact with those problem people. Find some new friends, try looking for some support groups for people that are having problems concieving, I am sure there are some out there.

It is no ones business what goes on in your personal relationship, what you are or are not trying to do. If it was us, we would limit the contact we had with those people. 

As far as age, to me that does not matter. We had our daughter when I was 18 and my wife was 24. We raised a great kid, one that is going to be successful in her future.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tikii said:


> We have seen multiple doctorsand at this point have been given little to no hope of natural conception. I've been told to start thinking about IVF, but cannot justify the tens of thousands of dollars that will cost us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Natural conception is out of the question for a lot of people but medication and a schedule can do wonders. While you're saving your money, join a support group, try to get a word of mouth referrals and continue with the medication approach.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I've failed all oral medications at this point. The only thing left is injections and IVF. I have no schedule to follow. I've been on a supportgroup for years. I'm the only one left out of those who were there when I joined. Everyone else has kids by now. It's so frustrating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As an adopted person I must suggest the obvious. There are so many children out there who NEED a loving family. 

For those who feel strongly about conceiving their own "blood" just think of the friend who you love like a sibling. Families are made by love, not genetics.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> As an adopted person I must suggest the obvious. There are so many children out there who NEED a loving family.
> 
> For those who feel strongly about conceiving their own "blood" just think of the friend who you love like a sibling. Families are made by love, not genetics.


Adopting is not an option for us. Neither of us is really open to it, and there is more it then just having a baby, in that case someone else's baby at the end. Honestly that's as frustrating as just telling someone TTC to relax.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tikii said:


> I've failed all oral medications at this point. The only thing left is injections and IVF. I have no schedule to follow. I've been on a supportgroup for years. I'm the only one left out of those who were there when I joined. Everyone else has kids by now. It's so frustrating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't give up hope. I can't even count the number of success stories I can share, it's almost like every other kid these days. We failed two coursed of oral meds. The third course opened the gate and now we have three. Each course was a different combination of drugs taken at different times along with an activity schedule and instructions


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I've maxed out on oral medications. I'm not able to take anymore because of the length and doses I've taken. I hate to sound so negative but even success stories don't bring hope. . It's nearly impossible to have hope anymore, which is why the negativity of others is so hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Well since you would never accept a child that isn't yours, it's good you've ruled that out. I'm glad my parents had a big enough heart to love me equally as their birth child, my older sister. I just don't get how someone can't hand you a baby, have you hold it, look into it's eyes, know how it needs you and still not be able to love it. :scratchhead:

There's more to it than just wanting a baby? More than just wanting to be a family? Why is a genetic child so important? Sorry - just trying to understand.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Was 21 when i had the first. 22 when i had the second. 24 for the third. 26 for the forth and 28 for the fifth. Let me tell you that you should focus on being a couple first and working on a strong relationship because all the money in the world won't prep you for what being parents is like with a relationship that has even one small area that needs work on.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I've maxed out on oral medications. I'm not able to take anymore because of the length and doses I've taken. I hate to sound so negative but even success stories don't bring hope. . It's nearly impossible to have hope anymore, which is why the negativity of others is so hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Softcup might assist in infertility. They are trying to get patents for infirtility treatment for it from he fda as we speak.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Well since you would never accept a child that isn't yours, it's good you've ruled that out. I'm glad my parents had a big enough heart to love me equally as their birth child, my older sister. I just don't get how someone can't hand you a baby, have you hold it, look into it's eyes, know how it needs you and still not be able to love it. :scratchhead:
> There's more to it than just wanting a baby? More than just wanting to be a family? Why is a genetic child so important? Sorry - just trying to understand.


It must be nice to be able to look down on someone for a situation you aren't in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Tikii said:


> It must be nice to be able to look down on someone for a situation you aren't in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think she was looking down on you. I think she was letting you know there were other alternatives out there if having your own biological baby wasn't an option or possible.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Well since you would never accept a child that isn't yours, it's good you've ruled that out. I'm glad my parents had a big enough heart to love me equally as their birth child, my older sister. I just don't get how someone can't hand you a baby, have you hold it, look into it's eyes, know how it needs you and still not be able to love it. :scratchhead:
> 
> There's more to it than just wanting a baby? More than just wanting to be a family? Why is a genetic child so important? Sorry - just trying to understand.


Some people don't have that capacity enjoli. Some people are not built for it at all. She seems to be one of those few who recognizes that fact for herself.

A girlfriend of mine has been struggling with infertility for 10+ yrs. I have watched her struggle with the idea of adoption and her thought process was she wanted to go through the feeling of pregnancy, the birth, the bonding with a minutes old baby.

She felt broken as a woman, one who was robbed of a right of passage for most women. It is not about genetics entirely, it is about a right of passage, being a woman, a coming of age and full circle.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I cant help but think that there MUST be some reason why people would be non-supportive of this. If you are financially stable, is there some other glaring issue? Is your husband abusive? Are either of you abusing drugs or alcohol? Do you live in your parents' basement? Are you in dangerous jobs? Comments like this one: "I hope you two don't have kids any time soon", dont usually come about for no reason. 

That said, I am sorry that you have been having such trouble conceiving.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't look down on it - I don't understand it. And it was a valid suggestion - everyone seems to go to great medical lengths to bring more children in the world when there are thousands who want nothing more than someone to love them so it's worth mentioning. I'd adopt gladly if/when I get married again. I AM blessed to have had a child without even trying when I also know people who are trying.

I guess I'm coming from the other end - I LOVE my parents without condition even though they aren't my birth parents. I LOVE my sister even though she is not biologically related to me. All of the women I know who have adopted truly, deeply LOVE their children. Being a mother isn't about giving birth any more than being a father is about ejaculating during ovulation.

Being adopted has taught me family isn't all biological - it's selected. I have friends who are 'family' to me. 

But I am glad the OP recognizes she wouldn't be accepting - no child should be perceived as 'not quite as good as a birth child'. I just don't understand it.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What are some examples of the negative things these people say to you? Most people wouldn't just come across that way unless they felt they had a valid reason.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

CantePe said:


> Was 21 when i had the first. 22 when i had the second. 24 for the third. 26 for the forth and 28 for the fifth. Let me tell you that you should focus on being a couple first and working on a strong relationship because all the money in the world won't prep you for what being parents is like with a relationship that has even one small area that needs work on.


We have a strong relationship, an amazing relationship. This is one of the other types of comments we get. Our relationship is fine, and we look forward and are actively trying to become parents. That's not going to change until we have no other choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> I don't think she was looking down on you. I think she was letting you know there were other alternatives out there if having your own biological baby wasn't an option or possible.


The way it was said very much makes it seem like she's looking down. Implying we don't have big hearts without knowing anything about us other than not being willing to adopt at this point....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

3Xacharm said:


> I cant help but think that there MUST be some reason why people would be non-supportive of this. If you are financially stable, is there some other glaring issue? Is your husband abusive? Are either of you abusing drugs or alcohol? Do you live in your parents' basement? Are you in dangerous jobs? Comments like this one: "I hope you two don't have kids any time soon", dont usually come about for no reason.
> 
> That said, I am sorry that you have been having such trouble conceiving.


There is no valid reason for anyone to see our TTC as a negative thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't look down on it - I don't understand it. And it was a valid suggestion - everyone seems to go to great medical lengths to bring more children in the world when there are thousands who want nothing more than someone to love them so it's worth mentioning. I'd adopt gladly if/when I get married again. I AM blessed to have had a child without even trying when I also know people who are trying.
> 
> I guess I'm coming from the other end - I LOVE my parents without condition even though they aren't my birth parents. I LOVE my sister even though she is not biologically related to me. All of the women I know who have adopted truly, deeply LOVE their children. Being a mother isn't about giving birth any more than being a father is about ejaculating during ovulation.
> 
> ...


I don't understand why someone can't be accepting of someone not wanting to do the same as they would. I am not some horrible being because adoption isn't for us. I'm not saying in any way that I couldn't love a child or would love it any less than a biological child, but there is more to it than love. There is a bond formed through pregnancy that I don't want to miss out on. I want to carry my child, watch and feel it grow, bond through breast feeding etc. It would be unfair for me to adopt a child just to have a child when I am unsure if I could bond with it properly. Adopting just to have a child when I can't guarantee the child the best is selfish and not in the child's best interest. It isn't just about genetics. Like I said, it's easy to say just do this, when it isn't your situation. 

Not to mention IVF is cheaper than adoption.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> What are some examples of the negative things these people say to you? Most people wouldn't just come across that way unless they felt they had a valid reason.


There are no valid reasons. They are just butting into a situation they know nothing about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Then I wouldn't share any information on TTC. That is very private and between the two of you. Period. Change the subject or tell them that you appreciate their concern but that it's a private matter and you won't discuss it further if they don't have anything encouraging to say.

Adoption only costs the attorney if in US. $10K at most. From China, $40K - yes, very expensive. My friend going through IVF has paid about $20K so far.

No, I understand you want the experience and knowing your personal limits and not subjecting a child until you can embrace the idea is smart. There are plenty of cons to giving birth, though. Yeah, it's great to feel the baby move. It's also miserably uncomfortable at times, can take a horrible toll on one's body and birth is no guarantee of breastfeeding. I gave birth but didn't make enough milk and finally had to give her formula. To each her own.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I have friends who have adopted within the US and their fees were in the excess of 35k. They had agency fees, lawyer fees, government fees etc. We looked deeply into adoption and every agency estimated around 30k, unless we adopted an older child, or one with problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tikii said:


> I hate to sound so negative but even success stories don't bring hope. . It's nearly impossible to have hope anymore, which is why the negativity of others is so hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No need to give up hope. I've seen ivf (and even more complicated procedures) work for almost every couple that found themselves needing them.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I just don't know if our when we will get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Also Enjoli, I don't share this information with these people. I don't know where they are getting their information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Tikii said:


> We have seen multiple doctorsand at this point have been given little to no hope of natural conception. I've been told to start thinking about IVF, but cannot justify the tens of thousands of dollars that will cost us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 It took my husband and I 12 years to conceive our son. I had given up on even having a baby a few years before I got pregnant. I was actually comfortable not ever having a child at that point in my life. We couldn't afford to go through IVF treatments and taking the chance it wouldn't work the first time. 
about 2 months after my 30th birthday i became pregnant, talk about a shock. 

Looking back i never in a million years would have thought we would have gotten pregnant on our own, but we did. Never give up. It will happen when you least expect it =)

As far as people being negative, if they don't stop i would cut them out of your life. You don't need the added stress. Stress alone can cause infertility.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I've made a decision that if I'm not pregnant by the time I'm 27-28, I well seek a form of permanent birth control. I can't live my life always thinking about it. I'd rather no there was no chance and accept it, rather than always wonder if there is a chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I think, in your situation, I would be inclined to tell anyone who is rude enough to make those kinds of comments the truth. 

"I'm infertile. I may never be able to have children. It's a very painful subject, so please don't bring it up like that again.". 

Should put them on the back foot nicely.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was 23 with my first. It was fine. I was single though, and had to get my shet together (get teaching credential, etc), but it was fine.

I will say that my 2nd baby at 31 was WAY easier and better to enjoy. But 24 is hardly young. You are married...it's your life now.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I think, in your situation, I would be inclined to tell anyone who is rude enough to make those kinds of comments the truth.
> 
> "I'm infertile. I may never be able to have children. It's a very painful subject, so please don't bring it up like that again.".
> 
> Should put them on the back foot nicely.


That's not really something I want people to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I was 23 with my first. It was fine. I was single though, and had to get my shet together (get teaching credential, etc), but it was fine.
> 
> I will say that my 2nd baby at 31 was WAY easier and better to enjoy. But 24 is hardly young. You are married...it's your life now.


I'm already much older than I wanted to be. I don't plan to have children in my 30s. It doesn't seem to matter to people that I'm married or that it's my life. It drives me nuts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tikii 
What is it that you are not telling us? 

A financially stable couple your age only gets that kind of pressure if there is something big causing that reaction


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Tikii
> What is it that you are not telling us?
> 
> A financially stable couple your age only gets that kind of pressure if there is something big causing that reaction


 There is nothing I'm not telling. There is no reason for that reaction at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## luvnyr99 (Dec 19, 2014)

Tikii said:


> My husband and I are trying to concieve. We have encountered nothing but negativity outside of our close friends and family about having children. We are young and we know that, but the negativity really doesn't help our situation or make things any easier for us. I'm at my wits end with it, and I'd hate to break contact with people just because of something so stupid. I don't understand what the big issue is. It's our life, why can't they live and let live?


NEGATIVITY is sometimes a addiction,habit,ect to some people.I would stay positive, and like you said thats your life.There thoughts and comments will over come u and ur husbands, negativity has that effect. Young please I'm 28 and four kids and ill be 45 when there all grown over 18. Well 7 for my first. I would suggest make sure your ready, but waiting tll ur 40 or more , my backs hurting now and energy gets lower from my age now, i can only imagine what i wouldd feel like in my 40s with 4 . Oh my I'm a blessed young mother of 4. Its you and ur hubby doing this not them.Life changes after kids, buts its beautiful.


----------

