# Need a male viewpoint



## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Anon Pink suggested that I post my problem in the men's forum. Previously I posted in the private area.

The problem that for the past 10 years my husband has had ED. Due to serious heart and other vascular problems he is unable to take medications to assist. He at times can/could get semi-hard for a few minutes. When this would happen, intercourse would need to happen then....ready or not. Needless to say, I am frustrated, angry and sad. 

I have tried for years to tell him what I want and need. Then I just tuck it away, and go with it. He is a sweet man, very passive. For a while I could pretend everything is fine, but not anymore. 

We haven't had any type of sex for 3months. After another discussion he told me he is unable to get hard at all. A book was suggested and I gave the title to him. After 2 weeks I think he may have reserved it from the library.

Right now I'm at a loss. Basically an sexless marriage for a decade and the future is not looking much brighter. We are in our early fifties. 

Do I keep talking to him, getting no where? I'm trying to accept the circumstances but it's difficult


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

yeah, maybe even be more agressive like buying him the book, "she comes first", make him understand how important the sexual intimacy is for you, and even if he had ED he can fulfill that need in other ways (oral, toys, lube, etc).

I understand that this is a sensible subject for men, he probably feel frustrated and hurt by the fact that he suffers ED (this kind of thing really affect our manhood) and that is probably why he don't even try anymore, because if he leaves you dissapointed after the ecounter it probably just hurt his self stem and manhood even more.

sit with him, and try to make him see that you are open to explore this other options


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Other than the fact of his ED, has he told as to why he isn't showing much interest in sex. I know we all assume because that he may be feeling emasculated and ashamed, but have you heard it from his own mouth his reasons for not stepping up to sex?

What was your sex like prior to this? What was it like when you just got married? Was there a downtrend over the years...or did everything change just because of ED?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

"Due to serious heart and other vascular problems he is unable to take medications to assist"

It might just be that if he is having heart issues he might be scared to try sex which (a) he may fail at because at the back of his head is "am I safe doing this"

(b) is she really happy with me sexually as I dont feel like a man any more - This is one of the biggest causes. He cannot perform when you want and he can see that. Yes there are other ways but I suspect its like being taken to a sweet shop and buying everyone else sweets buy you cant have any.

In marridge there is part of an oth that says "for better or for worse in sickness and in health".

When the presssure is on him to perform its adding to the ED NOT improving it. He might have a bbok that tells him in basic language that you have needs and you want them met, might that also be yet another pressure on switch for him?

You both need to talk. You both need to think of possible ways to meet half way and the talk should be open and honest. Some guys (and women) cannot talk about sexual feelings, wants, desires or fantasies because they may feel that its going to make them look "strange", a pervert etc. That is a barrier that still needs addressing perhaps.
It might be that he will need visual stimulation as well as physical to gain an erection, Yes there are meds out there that can have effects of heart issues and make it worse but seeking a experts advice (NOT THE INTERNET), discussing these issues initially on your own then they can bring you together may assit. Im not talking councilling Im talking medical professional.

Knowing that you have ED is bad enough and many guys will use divertive skills not to be in a situation where they are setting up to fail "as a man". 
In forums and every day life we see females who have had one or both breats removed state that they ccan not face any sexual contact anymore with their partner because they dont feel like a female anymore.... ED for a guy plays on his head in a similar manner.

Talk, be honest and frank and understanding. gentle steps may be needed to get past this. I have t admit that 10 years liek this must certainly have been difficult for you. But threats and pressure will not improve this case at all. (all in my opinion of course). Hope this works out for you....(both)


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

There are a couple of medical routes he can investigate.

There is an injection one can self administer to the penis which will cause an erection. It's not terribly romantic and there's a learning curve in finding the spot between flaccidity and priapism.

Failing that there is a prosthetic solution as well. The erectile tissue in the penis is removed and replaced by an inflatable sac coupled with a reservoir of saline solution and manual pump, all hidden away internally.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> The problem that for the past 10 years my husband has had ED. *Due to serious heart and other vascular problems he is unable to take medications to assist. He at times can/could get semi-hard for a few minutes. *When this would happen, intercourse would need to happen then....ready or not. Needless to say, I am frustrated, angry and sad.


This^^^ right there is the source of his problem. It's medical. The penis is not a muscle but it's function during sexual arousal is comparable to how a muscle functions.

Blood rushes in , fills up tiny vessels and a valve shuts off the outlet leaving the blood inside the engorged penis. A muscle holds it erect in an upright position. Everything functions with blood. Without a proper , healthy circulatory system , an erection might be achieved but will not last.

If your husband is suffering from cardiovascular related problems, he needs to work on that first , and then he'll get his erections back. Nothing else would work.
The amino acid , L- Arginine might be able to help in fixing his problem , but he must first schedule an appointment with a urologist.

Also he needs to have a proper diet and exercise program.
Stay away from fats , excessive alcohol and tobacco, and 

Healthy body = Firm Erections.
Unhealthy body = Weak Erections.

In fact, one of the earliest warning signs of chronic lifestyle diseases like Diabetes , Hypertension ,Stress etc, is weak erections, or the inability to achieve and maintain erections.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I do not know the psychological affects of having ED, but I expect they are not pleasant, and that they can really do a number on one's masculinity.

That aside, it's logical (to me, a non-ED sufferer) that a portion of his masculinity could be salvaged by simply pleasuring you in other ways. At the very least, he'll know that he CAN please you and take care of you, in that way.

Is there any way you can convince him of this?

I'd also like to mention that it's completely possible to have an orgasm even when flaccid or semi-erect. So there are other ways that you can provide him with sexual excitement (ie. oral).

Sex, the physical side of it, is so much more than PIV. It's convincing some people of this that can be tricky.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alexm said:


> Sex, the physical side of it, is so much more than PIV. It's convincing some people of this that can be tricky.


I hear that. But as the OP, I would feel really sad if my husband could not/would not with me. For a decade.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Trust me on this one, Ginger, talking about it isn't going to fix this particular problem. Go ahead and ask me how I know that.  But there are other ways of having a fulfilling sexual relationship that DON'T involve penetration.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah but what if she WANTS penetration.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Well, ahem, there are, shall we say, certain *items* that can fulfill that particular desire. Believe me, Jelly, when I say that men who are afflicted with that particular problem are NOT lacking in desire for their mate.....*far from it.*


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I hear that. But as the OP, *I would **feel really sad if my husband could not/would not with **me.* For a decade.


Try for a minute to imagine what the husband feels like.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.
His problem is physical. six surgeries in 10 years. He does orgasm. PIV and oral after a couple minutes. Sometimes he massages me after...it doesn't excite me at all. I usually fall asleep. Foreplay generally consists of two swipes to see if there is enough moisture. But then it doesn't seem to matter because he is ready.

"She comes first" was the book I asked him to read. He could have bought for $10, I think he may have reserved from library. This in itself makes me angry. We can afford it why not buy it. There is a waiting list at the library.

I know he feels bad and it must be difficult. That's why for the past decade I have tried to be supportive. Over the summer/fall he was having sex 3/4 times a week. 

I obviously have resentment. I read the thread "how to fall in love with my husband" (or something like that) I feel I may be in the same place yet jealous because it sounds like they still have good sex.

I know I took vows and I have held to those.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> His problem is physical. six surgeries in 10 years. He does orgasm. PIV and oral after a couple minutes. Sometimes he massages me after...it doesn't excite me at all. I usually fall asleep. Foreplay generally consists of two swipes to see if there is enough moisture. But then it doesn't seem to matter because he is ready.
> 
> "She comes first" was the book I asked him to read. He could have bought for $10, I think he may have reserved from library. This in itself makes me angry. We can afford it why not buy it. There is a waiting list at the library.
> ...


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Thummper, I have imagined what he feels for 10 years. This why I supported him while gently telling him that I needed more. It's like walking on eggshells. Tying to encourage, be supportive and having my needs met...I think I met 2 out of three.

With total honesty, if you were in my shoes what would you do. Anyone...man or woman how would you proceed.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

He say he wants to please me but he doesn't know how...even though I have told him what I enjoy. Oral sex for me didn't start until his ed issues. He will start it then he is ready to go and that's it. If I do oral that's it for the night. His actions tells me a lot. He now seems content with cuddling, hand holding and pecks


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Well, Ginger, I'm sort of in your shoes. Even before my, uh, "problem" began, my wife decided that she was no longer interested in sex of any kind, not even to help me with my needs. She won't touch me in any sexual way. She basically cut me off fourteen years ago. She had her reasons. Now, try to imagine a sexless marriage of that length.  Why do I stay? Because I love and adore my wife, and can't imagine life without her. I guess I've come to the conclusion that there's a lot more to a marriage than sex, as much as I do miss the physical closeness. I can definitely sympathize with your feelings and I wish you the best in whatever you feel you have to do. My heart aches for your hubby because I know what he's going through.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

So you have accepted a sexless marriage. I guess that is what I'm trying to accept. I see 2 options:
Continue as we are where he has sex and orgasms and I remain the unexcited unfulfilled receptacle 
Or we go to the sexless marriage where we both take care ourselves. 
It seems lose lose to me.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I think the "lose" part would have to do with what you choose to do to take care of your sexual urges and needs. This is the way that a lot of affairs get started. The WS often says, "it was just sex, honey. There were no romantic feelings, no 'I love you's', I just needed a good cum." If you've read a lot of these threads, you probably know what "comes" next. I repeat: Be careful if all you're looking for is sexual release and NOT the end of your marriage. I think for most men, who are already feeling useless and frustrated because of this physical problem, it definitely IS the end of the marriage. If the love isn't there anymore and your resentments are that strong, then maybe you should move on and get what you want out of a relationship. And this from a person who values marriage and hates breakups.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

As someone who has suffered with ED for 10-12 years I can't begin to tell you how humiliating it can be to want to do something so natural so fulfilling and you just can't. Sex is a way to show your mate all the desire and intensity you have for them, when you fail at that it is hard especially for a man to figure out other ways to show those feelings.

It is very hard to discuss your absolute failure with anyone, you walk around with this ache and you are to scared to do anything about it scared you will fail again. Sex begins to be a mental chore, you need that release but the failure history drives you to get it over with as fast as possible when your equipment is ready no matter what.

*Just some background, I hid my problem for many years taking all kinds of supplements some worked some didn't those that worked usually got discontinued after they found traces of the chemical in Viagra in them (happened with 4 different things I was taking over the years), other times I was able to finish without much of an erection or I could blame it on an injury (my occupation has tore up my body over the years) as a reason I couldn't finish. Since my wife's cheating my issue came out more which forced me to be upfront with her about my problem and to also seek medical help (Cialis for 18 months now some times it works great and some times not so much).

It sounds like he can stand the physical rigors of sex just not any medication to help him with an erection so I would ask has he looked into a "pump" not the things you see at the sex shops the internal pump that gets implanted into the penis, I read about it (one of the treatments for ED my urologist explained to me) there is a little pump inserted into the scrotum and the chambers are put inside the penis 2 or 3 pumps and you have a erection for as long as you want. I don't know much more about it other than that but there are no needles no pills(the thing deflates by pushing the penis at a certian angle).

If that is not an option what about c**k rings they do a pretty good job and my wife likes to put them on as part of the whole foreplay thing.

The only other thing to add is to try and get him to slow down make foreplay a bigger deal, if he gets an erection in the beginning he will get it back sometime during foreplay so no rush and toys always help with *your* fulfillment and if it doesn't come back right away take a break come back an hour or so and go again, you may end up having sex 3 or 4 times a day (even if he only finishes once) and there is nothing wrong with that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> Thummper, I have imagined what he feels for 10 years. This why I supported him while gently telling him that I needed more. It's like walking on eggshells. Tying to encourage, be supportive and having my needs met...I think I met 2 out of three.
> 
> With total honesty, if you were in my shoes what would you do. Anyone...man or woman how would you proceed.


I would give it to him when he does have his semi to erection.

Also, I cannot believe oral sex won't rise him to the occasion to be of use.

I hope his ED isn't exaggerated by weight problems ( big gut and body fat ), because that's something he can control.

Smoking is known to cut down erection bloodflow, I'd cut it out if he's a heavy smoker.

I'd also cut drinking out, because it also diminishes erection strength.

Getting into a good cardio vascular condition, even if it's just 30 minutes walking a day for 8 weeks will provide better bloodflow to the male genitals, versus someone who is sedentary sitting on a couch.

We were not designed to be sedentary, humans were designed to move and work their bodies.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

We work out 3/4 times weekly. Not overweight, no drinking no smoking, great diet. Truly the blood doesn't flow well. 

I'm not sure what you want me to give him when he is semi hard. Oral? Whether oral orPIV only semi hard a couple minutes than orgasm (him).

He told me this week, after 3months of no sex he can no longer get hard.

When taking care of my own needs I did not mean cheating.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

thummper said:


> Well, Ginger, I'm sort of in your shoes. Even before my, uh, "problem" began, my wife decided that she was no longer interested in sex of any kind, not even to help me with my needs. She won't touch me in any sexual way. She basically cut me off fourteen years ago. She had her reasons. Now, try to imagine a sexless marriage of that length.  Why do I stay? Because I love and adore my wife, and can't imagine life without her. I guess I've come to the conclusion that there's a lot more to a marriage than sex, as much as I do miss the physical closeness. I can definitely sympathize with your feelings and I wish you the best in whatever you feel you have to do. My heart aches for your hubby because I know what he's going through.


You've had your sexual side STOLEN from you. It's been ROBBED. It impacts over your entire life.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> We work out 3/4 times weekly. Not overweight, no drinking no smoking, great diet. Truly the blood doesn't flow well.
> 
> I'm not sure what you want me to give him when he is semi hard. Oral? Whether oral orPIV only semi hard a couple minutes than orgasm (him).
> 
> ...


The sex was off the menu due to his issue, or his insistance on oral only?

Your saying he only lasts for a little while? If he's in that good of shape and having an issue, a little cialis or viagra may help him along.

I would still determine whether he has a mental issue, that's just not allowing his soldier to recieve full confidence and full power.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

love=pain said:


> It sounds like he can stand the physical rigors of sex just not any medication to help him with an erection so I would ask has he looked into a "pump" not the things you see at the sex shops the internal pump that gets implanted into the penis, I read about it (one of the treatments for ED my urologist explained to me) there is a little pump inserted into the scrotum and the chambers are put inside the penis 2 or 3 pumps and you have a erection for as long as you want. I don't know much more about it other than that but there are no needles no pills(the thing deflates by pushing the penis at a certian angle).



I know someone that has this. It has worked good for him. There are a few side effects that can happen but your Dr. will discuss it with you.

I know you were looking for male opinions, but here is my 2 cents worth. If he can get semi hard at first, he might be able to get it again later. Have you tried asking him to wait and do you first and then you will get him going? Or what if you pulled out a toy and asked him to use it on you first? 10 years is a long time and I am truly empathetic for you.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

treyvion said:


> The sex was off the menu due to his issue, or his insistance on oral only?
> 
> Your saying he only lasts for a little while? If he's in that good of shape and having an issue, *a little cialis or viagra may help him along.*
> I would still determine whether he has a mental issue, that's just not allowing his soldier to recieve full confidence and full power.


I think she mentioned that medical problems preclude the use of those....more's the pity. By the way, loved your calling his, uh, member, "his soldier."


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I hear two different but maybe related problems. One is that he can't get / stay hard. The other is that he isn't attending to your needs. He could perform oral on you and not get hard but he doesn't seem to be willing to do that. He may be so embarrassed about his issue that he just doesn't want to deal with anything sexual. But knowing that doesn't solve your dilemma. 

Maybe you've beaten around the bush (so to speak) too long. I think its worth a come to jesus meeting. "I need more sexual interaction with you. I don't need penetration but I do need oral in order to feel satisfied." Hopefully that conversation goes somewhere and if it doesn't you add "the truth is, if I don't get it I'm not sure I want to stay in a sexless marriage."


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I hear two different but maybe related problems. One is that he can't get / stay hard. The other is that he isn't attending to your needs. He could perform oral on you and not get hard but he doesn't seem to be willing to do that. He may be so embarrassed about his issue that he just doesn't want to deal with anything sexual. But knowing that doesn't solve your dilemma.
> 
> Maybe you've beaten around the bush (so to speak) too long. I think its worth a come to jesus meeting. "I need more sexual interaction with you. I don't need penetration but I do need oral in order to feel satisfied." Hopefully that conversation goes somewhere and if it doesn't you add "the truth is, if I don't get it I'm not sure I want to stay in a sexless marriage."


This conversation is the same regardless of gender.


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

As far as his physical issues, you may want to get a second opinion from a separate doctor. I learned at one time that my meds were causing some side affects that included ED. The meds were changed and the erections were improved. 

mentally, yes, I can see how being semi hard can cause self worth issues for him. people seem lose the fight and give way to pity....or defeat. That can be changed. I would suggest professional counseling. Not just for sex but for both of you for your marriage and lead a full life.

TOYS...toys are great. If you do get his attention, there are a lot of great toy options. If you research pegging, you can learn a lot about a mans g-spot called his prostate. 

I would talk with him, looking straight at him and tell him he needs to take steps to improve this situation, or the marriage may be over. Currently, the marriage is in trouble. Meanwhile, you both need to take care of your own sexual needs. 

When my marriage and sex life was good, I made sure that she was first to orgasm. That made sense to me because giving her good sex makes her want to give me good sex. Sometimes, she would decline and focus on me first. For you, I would hold out until he fulfills your need first. Or, at leas puts an effort to try to give you sex. 

good luck


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

312cpl said:


> As far as his physical issues, you may want to get a second opinion from a separate doctor. I learned at one time that my meds were causing some side affects that included ED. The meds were changed and the erections were improved.


Yes, meds... Meds can kill sex drive and kill erections, so those need to be checked.



312cpl said:


> mentally, yes, I can see how being semi hard can cause self worth issues for him. people seem lose the fight and give way to pity....or defeat. That can be changed. I would suggest professional counseling. Not just for sex but for both of you for your marriage and lead a full life.
> 
> TOYS...toys are great. If you do get his attention, there are a lot of great toy options. If you research pegging, you can learn a lot about a mans g-spot called his prostate.
> 
> ...


While his soldier is being worked out, he should have no problem pleasing you with his hands and his mouth.


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## RoyR (Jan 28, 2014)

If you loved him you'd allow a divorce 50/50 split. My guess is you'll leave him penniless since you can, and find another guy.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

RoyR why do you say that? I don't think I've ever said I was contemplating divorce


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Has he had a blood test to see if his T levels are normal?


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

He has not had his t-levels tested. It's a thought if he will ask. No second opinion really needed. He has had multiple surgeons and cardiologists. I believe there is a stroke danger if bp goes too high. He has an appt soon. Hope he will ask again.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

Sounds like low-T or depression. You must really love him to be living with a drought as long as you have. 

If he loves you just as much, you'll find a way through this. Be creative, there are lots of options.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> He has not had his t-levels tested. It's a thought if he will ask. No second opinion really needed. He has had multiple surgeons and cardiologists. I believe there is a stroke danger if bp goes too high. He has an appt soon. Hope he will ask again.


They generally won't automatically test for T levels unless you ask.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I am pretty sure that increasing frequency of sex can improve BP in the long run as long as you can survive the act.

Good luck, my ED has me on the verge of a mental hospital.

Stretch


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

Some facts:

1) Men CANNOT "will" themselves an erection.
2) Would not be surprised if the anxiety of the ED is now the cause
3) If he's able to workout 3x a week, he may be able to start a low dose of viagra. It may be all he needs to reassure himself that it still works. right now, he's a walking dead man in his eyes. NOTHING would make him feel better than have a 2 hour marathon with you.

Silly question.... Have you ever watched porn together? Before you draw conclusions, here's why I ask...
Is there a REMOTE chance he may be a chronic masturbator? Does he watch porn? I have heard stories of women that wondered why their husbands no longer performed, and it turned out they were pleasuring themselves, because it was "easier", than facing the possibility of not being good enough to please their spouse.
This is more common than you think.


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