# No Affection



## aloneandneglected (Aug 18, 2012)

Hey,
I have read a lot on here and it's helpped a lot but there is something I have to ask and I need real opinions and advice.

I have zero friends as does my wife and we never go out or do anything. First off I must mention that I have addressed our issues multiple times and she knows everything on my heart.

when we first met I wasn't the best guy. I was always angry and frutrated and took life for granted. We had two kids and one is justy about 4 and the other just about 2. My wife and I have been on the verge of divorce about 4 times. The outcome of each discussion was because I have been angry and she shuts down and closed me out of her life. She asked me to be happier and smile and be a nice guy and this was almost a year or 2 ago and I have made incredible strides and I am a completely new person and I have her to thank. Here is the problem.

During this time of being angry she walked away physically and not just with sex. I have not been kissed by my wife... I dont' know when the last time was. She wont' hold my hand, take pictures with me, hug me, flirt or anything else. Every physical aspect of a physical marriage is gone. I have however been lucky in the sense that she is trying to please me (sort of) in bed and average every other day... until recently. In bed it's like having sex with a pillow or giant stuffed animal LOL. There is no noise, no show of emotion, and she just lays there. To spark things up I started going down on her and honestly it's still like sleeping with a dead person. 

I have changed every fiber of my being to please and satisfy my wife and her thing was "You weren't happy and always upset so I shut myself up physcially to you because I can't be attracted to you when you are like that." So I changed and I found out that after I thought everything was better she dropped the bombshell that it's not and she still has the thought in the back of her mind of our past and won't let it go. I told her she is setting us up for failure if she won't let go and give me a chance and she understands but said she can't. 

She has told me to be more direct and not so subtle if I want to have sex so for the past while I directly say "let's be intimate" so she comes to bed and turns on her phone and watched movies and blows me off and then when I'm tired and have to wake up at 4 am she keeps me up late until about midnight leading me on and then either makes me go down on her or rolls over and go to sleep. After she peaks she basically says "Ok now finish up" 

Why won't my wife show me any signs of physical contact or intimacy. I buy gifts and she discards. I bought her 4dz roses and put rose peddals on the bed scattered and in a distinct heart shape with a romantic picture we took together (one of 4 in the past 10 years) and she didn't take care of the flowers, and just cleaned off the bed. No hug, no kiss, no sex, no signs of any kind of affection.

We have 2 children a big house and 2 well paying jobs and are the perfect family... but I'm ready to cheat on her. I have told her this as well. I am a human being and I have desires and needs and because she is being selfish and inconsiderate she is denying me of the most important part of a marriage of physical intimacy. I would trade all the sex in the world just to have this woman kiss me and tell me she loves me. I have been told time and time again that I am not a priority and am being put on the back burner. I have given so many chances and been so patient and tolerant because it was me originally that caused this but her excuse remains the same that she thinks I'm just going to revert back to my old self and doesn't want to put herself out there so she doesn't try and sets us up for failure before we even try.

I have been easy going, fun, I participate in events I cant' stand for her, hang out with people I have no idea who they are... just so she can be with other people. If I don't go with her she says I'm being insensitive and that I haven't changed for anything. 

I read a posting that this one lady in a similar situation but it was her huband being this way she took care of herself and stopped trying to please him and their relationship took a 180 and everything is working out better....

When we have sex I cannot touch her abover her waste, she leaves her shirt on and her pants around her ankles. I cant kiss her, look at or see her breasts or unmentionables. She waits until the sun is down before she will even consider sex. I have not seen a breast unless by accident and if that heppens she runs to the bathroom and hides. I don't even remember what a breast feels like. I think I have forgotten how to really kiss a person.

I am 32 and 2 kids. Divorce will leave me broke, losing everything and single.... is that fate worse than living with a person what treats me as a roommate with benifits? The moment I bring up money and show how we can save or get more of it... she's ripping off my clothes...

I know this is long but I NEED HELP!!! do I go through the agony and pain of divorce and just get it over with and risk dying alone (I'm shy and because of how life has been with low selfesteem because of my marriage I have zero confidence to even try and pick up another girl)

What do I do!? And she's not up for counselling so i don't think she cares and just needs the 2nd paycheck.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

My guess is that yu treated her bad and are still being punished for it. You lost your moral authority when you did that and she doesnt want to give it back to you now. She likes having you in a subordinate postion and uses your past as leverage to do so. 

Thats my opiinion but a woman ma be a better judge of what going on in a womans mind so dont take what I say to seriously until you get confirmation from some of the ladies here. i'm sure they will be along shortly.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Firstly sorry this is happening. Sounds like you are working hard to make this relationship work. It might surprise you to know you may be doing exactly the oposite of what you should be doing.She has lost a great deal respect for you and thinks your weak. That happened when you would get angry and lose control. Women want strong confident men, not doormats. Petals on the bed, roses, hoop jumping, you are seriously failing sh#t tests. 

My advice is to hang out here a bit and read through posts. You'll learn a lot. I sure have.


----------



## aloneandneglected (Aug 18, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Firstly sorry this is happening. Sounds like you are working hard to make this relationship work. It might surprise you to know you may be doing exactly the oposite of what you should be doing.She has lost a great deal respect for you and thinks your weak. That happened when you would get angry and lose control. Women want strong confident men, not doormats. Petals on the bed, roses, hoop jumping, you are seriously failing sh#t tests.
> 
> My advice is to hang out here a bit and read through posts. You'll learn a lot. I sure have.


It seems I have a lot to learn and I thank you for the information. So how do I grow a spine and pass these [email protected] tests without being a **** and just being strong and confident.... I don't understand what she is expecting?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

aloneandneglected said:


> It seems I have a lot to learn and I thank you for the information. So how do I grow a spine and pass these [email protected] tests without being a **** and just being strong and confident.... I don't understand what she is expecting?


Try this one. Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
Check out the blogs. I recently read his book ( MMSLP) and it has blown my mind. Another book people will recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy. No More Mr. Nice Guy That one is next for me. Also check out the links on the top of the forum of the Mens Clubhouse page.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's not into you any more, and history shows she probably will never be again. Live the 180 for you and your kids. But be VERY careful about the part that says that if she wants to come along, great. They rarely do. 

I found out about a year ago that my wife fell out of love with me as many as 15 years ago. Maybe more. I love to kiss, and the thought that she has not desired my kisses in so long (ever, maybe?) hurt more than anything. I have since done the 180, including a desire to find a woman that WANTS to make-out with me. 

We won't split up because of the kids. But I'll be damned if I'll give up finding someone to desire me. She had first dibs and refused. Now I'll look elsewhere. I suggest you do to.

I'm old, and wasn't good with women when I was young and attractive. Plus, I've been out of the scene for a while. I have and will continue to fail. You're young. You do not have to surrender your life for this crap. Don't look back 20 years from now and realize your chances at love are over. Don't be MrK. Go for it and don't feel guilty. She had first shot at you. She declined. Look elsewhere.


----------



## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

She is still angry, resentful and has lost respect for you. Please get into some counseling. If she won't go with you, at least do it for yourself. You have done a lot of work and are to be commended for changing for the better, but we can always do more. If she won't go with you, you may have to decide whether or not this (the marriage)is the best thing for you. I know that you said that you are afraid of being alone but is this situation really better than that? If there is a chance for real happiness, you owe it to yourself (and your children) to go for it. You will be a better role model for your children when they see a happy parent. If your wife chooses not to participate, that is on her. I can't see why she wouldn't want to try and make her life better too. That always baffles me when mates choose not to participate in something that will make life more enjoyable. 

You deserve to be with someone who will love being with you and who will learn to truly forgive when you mess up. You deserve love, warmth and laughter. Please also learn to forgive yourself first. Once you can do that, it will not matter as much as to what another says/does as you know that you have done all that you can to make things better. You will also show that you have self respect and are worthy of respect from other people. Good luck!


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The 180 everyone talks about provides some terrific guidance. I don't have the link available, but I'm sure someone can post it soon. I agree with the other responses here, but I'd like to add to them because I think there are a couple of things going on.

Yes, she may have lost respect, but I think it's more likely a trust issue. She complained about your angry way of acting in the world, but when you were angry, at least she knew how to interact. If you have changed, and she's saying she can't get out of her head that you'll revert, then it's more of a trust issue than a respect issue. The changes haven't been there for long enough for her to believe they're genuine, so she feels manipulated. Hang in and keep being a good guy, but draw the line at being a a nice guy. If you aren't sure what I mean by that, please visit Do Nice Guys Come In Last, or Should Men be Jerks to Get the Girl? . I actually wrote it for people who are dating rather than married, but I think it will help you see where to draw that line and to understand why the 180 would be good for you.

The other thing that caught my eye about your post are the sexual terms she's requiring: no touching above the waist, can't see her, etc. This is about her own body image. She believes she is unattractive and/or overweight, and fears your judgment about it. I would encourage you to compliment her appearance frequently, and avoid any criticisms at all. 

She has become the angry person she criticized so much. You might ask her if she recognizes her own anger. I don't know if it will help much, and I do know that whatever her answer is, you shouldn't argue with her about it right now. Just plant a seed gently and see what develops in the weeks that follow.

Best wishes.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

CG has it right. Read MMSL right now.

Your wife has completely lost all attraction to you. Sorry to say it, but she's probably looking elsewhere, already. I take it women don't hit on you often? 

While you're reading MMSL, you can take some immediate steps: change you haircut to a completely different cut, start dressing like you make 20k over your present income. Wear suits randomly, even if you work in jeans. Start weight training to build muscle mass. Bodybuilding, not powerlifting. Go out dressed to kill. DO NOT start an affair or pick up dames in any way, just go out. "I"m going out to take care of some things. I'll be back later." No other explanation. This will throw some curves to your wife and unbalance the relationship.

You also need to rule out her involvement with somebody else or the MMSL program will be handicapped. Attach a VAR to the bottom of her car seat. GPS the vehicle. Check her cell records for frequent contact with unknown numbers. A couple of months will tell the tale. In the meantime start making the changes to up your sex rank. Your wife should notice immediately. Especially the mohawk haircut.


----------

