# Guy Friends / Girl Friends- Good-Bad-



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I don't know if brought this up in the past and even if I did it would be an old thread by now..

Here is my open question I am really trying to understand and get over and around.

Is it okay for a Man or a Woman to have friends of the opposite sex that have other interest beyond being friends ? 

Here is my personal issue with it.. I have female friends, but I have never asked any of them out and they never gave me a personal interest.. I think the minute I ask one of them out or they give me the idea they want to be more than friends, the whole dynamic changes.. 

Now add in that my G.F. knows this, I think its a big no-no.. It just immediately puts your Significant Other in a position of insecurity and jealousy and justifiably so. 

Why would I want that ? 
What benefit does it afford me to my relationship ?

Can anyone here ever say they have a friend that is the opposite sex that NEVER said anything that if your bf or husband read would not be happy ? I'm pretty sure not.. 

I've worked in police cars with woman and my partner was a female for 4 years.. It was strictly work and straight talk.. We might have talked about BF or GF but nothing sexual.. Many thought we were fooling around in the beginning but eventually realized it wasn't that at all. Guys would ask me if they could ask her out.. I was like go ahead, why you asking me. They would respond I thought maybe you guys had something going on that might be private.. Only after the first guy asked her out did many realize it was what it was.. 

So even then it was an issue if you can see what I'm saying.. 

Again personally I look at any man that is a guy friend with a crooked eye.. It just doesn't sit right with me.. I'm sorry.. 

So if someone has some real insight, some nugget that might put me in the state of "Wow, I didn't think of it that way.. Thanks" Please I would like to hear it... I am trying real hard to open myself up to this and how to deal with this stuff.. Assuming its real friendship..

As an added note.. 
There is no way in the fvcking world I would accept an Ex as being a friend to a woman I was serious with.. Meaning Ex BF not husband.. 

Regardless of anything I think people need to put a healthy distance between Ex whatever and a new relationship.. Your Ex whatever didn't have to share you with anyone ( excluding kids ).. Why should the new person in your life share you with someone..


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

My 2 cents:

1. If there is NO (had to edit this in) attraction from you towards someone else, I really don't see a problem. If a friend starts flirting with you, I would make sure I draw the line. Specially in front of your SO.

If you're a handsome man or an attractive woman, you are bound to have people who are attracted to you. You can't isolate yourself from the world for the sake of your SO's peace of mind. You can however limit the interaction with the people that start crossing the line.

2. If the friendship is a "forced" relationship due to work, school, or another type of social obligation, and worse, if there is mutual attraction, then I would arrange a gathering with the friend and your SO so that things are clear.

Let's say your wife works at a Firm, and her partner is someone she needs to interact with 80% of her work day. Sometimes a connection develops with sustained interaction. 

If you start noticing that there is a bond developing between a SO and their friend, then rather than ask them to stop seeing them or interacting with them (which in some cases would be very complicated), I would make an effort to get just a little more involved with your SO's friends , just so they know you are there.

I get the feeling some affairs happen because the OM/OW never sees the "casualties of war" of their actions. 

I agree with ex's 100%. That's just playing with fire.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This question/topic has been done a lot on TAM.

Many say no, it's not possible. Other say it's fine in their relationship. It's up to the couple really to decide what they are ok with.

I once dated a guy who was best friends with his ex girlfriend. I mean super duper close with her. It didn't take long before we were not dating. I wasn't interested in delving further into that. 

My opinion is that when you spend more time talking to/spending time with someone other than your partner, and that friendship takes priority over your own relationship, that is not healthy to your relationship. 



Hardtohandle said:


> *Now add in that my G.F. knows this,*


I thought she broke up with you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> There is no way in the fvcking world I would accept an Ex as being a friend to a woman I was serious with.. Meaning Ex BF not husband..


So you'd not be into friendship with an ex-bf and not an ex husband?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now I understand this thread since I read the update on your other thread. She wants to get back together after she broke up with you but she wants to keep all her male friends that you've had so much trouble with since you met her. 

However well that might work for someone else, it doesn't work for you and yet she's determined to keep them despite how you feel. But I'm sure she'll call again to see if you've changed your mind. Or maybe she'll promise to give them up. I doubt all that drama is over yet. 

You want someone who's there for you. She's not it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

@ Openminded and Jellybeans - We are not back together

@ Jellybeans regarding the Ex BF and Ex Husband.. Let me clarify on that, I was short when posting that..

If Ex spouses have kids in common, then unless you're like me. Then you have to have some sort of contact with your Ex spouse because of the kids.. 

But I would never, ever go on vacation with my Ex and kids because it is what we did or some sort of family tradition, which might include relatives and I am doing it for the sake of the kids.. 

For me the sake of the kids is utter fvcking bullsh!t and a copout line.. If we were doing sh!t for the sake of the kids we would have never gotten divorced.. It's not even open to debate or discussion with me.. 

If I'm divorced ( and I am ) when I have a new person in my life.. I need to treat this person as they are important to me. I need to treat them as special as I did when I met my wife.. I can't do that if I am running over my Ex wife home to fix the sink or level the kids bed because I'm doing it for the sake of my kids.. Hire a handyman, get a neighbor or get a BF to do it.. 

If my Ex called me and said I have a flat on the highway and your son is in the car.. I would immediately rush over.. Get my son and drive off.. Call triple AAA or learn to fix the tire yourself or again call your BF.. 

EX is EX... 

I had an issue with my Ex GF on halloween and I handled it poorly.. Instead of hugging her and making her feel good and defusing the situation I made it worse.. Why ?? Because my mentality was she wasn't my wife.. She was my GF.. I would have hugged my wife kissed her all over in front of the kids and made a scene in public ( mind you it would have been humorous type of scene ) for her to forgive me.. But I didn't.. I was a d!ck... 

So as far as Ex spouse and new BF/GF I can tell you I am positive that many are not treating them the same.. I know for sure because I didn't.. Especially if you've been hurt.. Plus I think there was a bit of if I do this in front of my kids I am showing them I am betraying their mother.. Even though my Ex has NOT seen one of them for a year and a half.. That was still my mental state.. Its retarded.. You don't see things until you do.. 

But I am really digressing here.. 

I guess my point is with all of this is I am sort of seeing that some people, in my case it's women. That have many friends of the opposite sex that are probably old partners, whether its old fvck buddies or just someone they dated for a bit or maybe someone they mulitdated with and just moved on to someone else but for whatever reason still kept in touch.. EG maybe the guy found a steady GF but still kept in contact with the girl just incase or to have a piece on the side.. 

I am also seeing that several women have dated married men and known about it.. But that is another story.. But again falls into this sort of category.. 

So I guess I am wondering has this what dating has degenerated to ? Or what the life of an older ( late 30s to 40s ) single person becomes ?..

Years back I had a female friend who mentioned that she would love to find a steady man, but it just seems everyone just wants to hook up.. She said its a bit tough sometimes but she just accepted that's how it is.. Again this was years ago ( maybe 5 ) and I was married at that time.. 

Jellybeans, you pretty much made it clear what I was getting at as well and maybe I'm not that mature. But I couldn't handle what I think as a monogamous relationship and have my GF have guy friends that even though she only seen them as friends are really guys that want to fvck her and in some cases for some people actually did fvck.. You get what I am saying ?

I would find it difficult being in the same place with a guy who is all chummy with my GF and knowing he had his d!ck in her at some time.. I feel like I'm the joke.. Like he is telling people, whatever you did to her, I did it first.. And yes I know people aren't virgins.. I just feel its too much in my face type of thing..


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's been a long time since I was in that position. What I found was the female friends I had were interested in me, but if I did not show interest in them for more than a friendship, they didn't say much and seemed hurt unless I flirted a little. The ones who were not interested in me were friends because I was a friend of their SO. If there was no SO and they weren't interested, they generally did not like me and weren't very friendly or respectful.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It's more about how you feel than what others think. I'm one who thinks OSFs can add a lot to a person and it can work IF both spouses share the same opinion on it.

OSFs make you feel uncomfortable. Your GFs OSFs were an issue. These gut feeling will not go away and your GF ideas on it differ from yours so I would recommend being in a relationship where they are restricted.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

meson said:


> It's more about how you feel than what others think. *I'm one who thinks OSFs can add a lot to a person* and it can work IF both spouses share the same opinion on it.
> 
> OSFs make you feel uncomfortable. Your GFs OSFs were an issue. These gut feeling will not go away and your GF ideas on it differ from yours so I would recommend being in a relationship where they are restricted.


I think you forgot to add the ones in a relationship or married, have to be mature enough and secure enough in their relationship and personal boundaries surrounding fidelity, that everyone knows they are off-limits unless they are not in a relationship. There will be testing going on by those interested. Guaranteed there will. It's like putting up a deep discount sign in a favorite clothing or hardware store.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You understandably want someone who will totally focus on you without the distraction of OSF and there are plenty of females out there who would be happy to do that. 

Look harder for them and don't get distracted along the way by someone like your ex-girlfriend. That type will obviously never work for you.


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