# Moved out, wife emails me that she's destroying stuff still in house



## harlisondavidly

So I'm such a peacemaker, I don't get angry easily. I forget pretty easily and don't fly off the handle. I guess I'm the silent type that internalizes stuff for some later eruption or something.

I'm currently staying at a friend's house because my wife and I are unable to get along (long story, you may read some of my previous posts for some background info if needed).

She is very upset even though she asked me to move out last week. She has a vindictive streak and it is coming through again tonight. She just emailed me to say that my desk, my many computer books and all my CDs are in the garage or the garbage.

My two kids (5 and 9) are at the house with my wife. I'm not the confrontation type. In the past when she has destroyed my things or thrown my clothes in the dirty garage floor, I've gone to get them, taken them to the cleaners, reassembled all my business files, put things back where they belong, etc.

I'm not interested in getting into a discussion about why she's mad or if she or I am right. I have my set of faults and hangups that are not helpful in this situation. But I'm wondering if I'm being too passive about the destruction of things that belong to me still at the house. Last week she threatened to (and did) throw my 27" iMac in the garbage in the garage. Thankfully it was not damaged, but she has also buried my iPhone in the dirt out in the garden (found it with a metal detector I had to rent). I don't have room for all of that stuff where I'm staying and this is hopefully only temporary anyway. When I find myself asked to leave I always have to leave lots of stuff behind, computer equipment, many books, whatever. It seems to be that if she is interested in winning me over to her viewpoint that this kind of behavior is obviously counterproductive. 

What does a passive guy like me do? I need some encouragement or something.

Thanks.


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## aug

harlisondavidly said:


> What does a passive guy like me do? I need some encouragement or something.


Start becoming passive aggressive?


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## EleGirl

Why do you leave the house when she asks you to? If she's that upset tell her to leave.

She is completely out of control and you are leaving young children in her care. She is teaching your children her destructive, angry, violent ways of handling things. And worse yet, you are allowing this. Have you ever thought of how much this must frighten and hurt the children?

What you need to do is to call the police and tell them that your wife is destroying things in the house. That there are small children there witnessing this. And that you do not want to go there alone because you are afraid that if you try to stop her, you will be viewed as engaging in domestic violence.

So meet the police there and have them go in ahead of you.
She had no business having custody of the children if this is the way she behaves. 

I wonder how she treats the children when they set off her anger.
I don’t know what you did to set her off. But it seems she goes off the handle like this often. Why are you allowing this and putting up with it?
If you don’t protect your children, who will? Social services? Is this what you want?


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## harlisondavidly

aug said:


> Start becoming passive aggressive?


There's a thought... I guess I need to find my aggressive self somewhere.


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## harlisondavidly

EleGirl said:


> Why do you leave the house when she asks you to? If she's that upset tell her to leave.


To answer one question at a time, I leave because I need some peace and quiet and have reached a point where I need to be away from the constant verbal bombardment. At least when I'm gone I can have control over which phone calls to answer (or not answer). I could ask her to leave, but she's got such a strong personality, I'm just not wanting to have the fight about it. She has major insomnia and when she's up all she does is think about all the things I've done to make her life miserable (see other threads I've started for more info about my role in this).


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## EleGirl

What about the other question.. about your children.. the more important one.


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## hookares

Have an attorney take the emails to a judge and have her committed for mental evaluation. She wouldn't do any less for you, I'm sure.


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## EleGirl

hookares said:


> Have an attorney take the emails to a judge and have her committed for mental evaluation. She wouldn't do any less for you, I'm sure.


It would take weeks to get this to a judge even if he could. And I dought that they would commit her based on an email.

I speak from experience on this as i have nephew who we did get committed for a short period of time. But it took a lot more than one email. The police showing up and seeing what is going on is a lot stronger evidence and they can could get it before a judge a lot quicker than he could.


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## EleGirl

harlisondavidly,

If you do not do something very strong to respond to her violence and distruction you are enableing some very bad behavior in your wife.

While you might be reluctant to get the police involved it will most likely get her to snap out of this. She does not take you seriously because you are 'passive' and she knows you will let her do whatever horrible thing wants. But if she realizes that what she is doing is a crime and she will have to answer to the police and the courts, then she just might learn to channel her anger in less violent manner.

What your wife is doing is a form of domestic violence.


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## tacoma

harlisondavidly said:


> Last week she threatened to (and did) throw my 27" iMac in the garbage in the garage.


Holy **** dude, that would send me over the edge!!


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## keko

Just rent a cheap storage unit and move your stuff there.


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## Jellybeans

Go and get your things. The house is still yours, right? So go get your things. If she destroys anything, document it.

I would be looking to separate myself legally from her. She does not sound stable.


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## harlisondavidly

Jellybeans said:


> Go and get your things. The house is still yours, right? So go get your things. If she destroys anything, document it.
> 
> I would be looking to separate myself legally from her. She does not sound stable.


For now the house is still "ours" and both names are on the legal records. Because of my unemployment, that will not be the case much longer, but so far we have not been given a sale date for foreclosure.


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## harlisondavidly

tacoma said:


> Holy **** dude, that would send me over the edge!!


Last summer she did actually destroy my iMac. Long story and to me no justification... but basically she found records I saved of texts between myself and the neighbor lady that were not complimentary after she got into a pissing match with her about something my wife allegedly did to one of her kids in the culdesac. Needless to say my wife texted me and said she had smashed my computer. Indeed she had. It would still power one and had a image on the screen. Took it to the Apple store (I still have Applecare on it) and they fixed it. Just needed the glass replaced, no damage to LCD.

Incidentally, regarding the tiff with the neighbor lady... she felt so threatened by my wife that she called the police and a couple days later she filed a no contact order against her. My wife lost it even more and said she needed to file a counter no contact order. Talked me into helping her get a lawyer (I have a client who is a lawyer). The lawyer would only sue if we both were agreed and then because we have no money I was going to trade services (I do IT work for small business). $10,000 in legal fees later, and after a valiant attempt by my lawyer buddy, my wife (and me) lost our counter claim, the lady has her no contact order in place for 1 year against my wife and now our kids (who were best buddies before) are not allowed to play with each other. This happened last year between Sept-Nov.


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## EleGirl

So what are you going to do to stop your wife from acting like this in front of your children? And to stop her from being violent?


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## harlisondavidly

I just had a super long talk with a friend and quoted your replies, EleGirl. She really was so 100% behind your advice. In fact she mentioned how so dysfunctional many Christian people are because they have a misplaced sense of guilt about being "mean" to someone else by confronting them.

We talked a lot about the kids and how to handle that. I am going to take some time and journal what we discussed so I don't forget and then will come back here and post.

I have to become much more assertive than I have been, that's for sure. My natural tendency is to find ways to appease the situation so it will get back to a certain comfort level. My friend explained that in doing so I will relegate the kids to getting all their information about who I am from their mom and she has told me in the past (during one of her vindictive episodes) that she will make sure my kids hate me. My friend explained that my kids will eventually resent me when they are older, for not rescuing them from this kind of a dysfunctional environment. She also said that they will be brainwashed by their mom's hateful messages about me and it will affect my relationship with them possibly permanently.


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## rks1

My personal experience...

My dad is passive, and my mom is the more aggressive one. When I was younger my mom would lash out at me. I suffered many years of physical and emotional abuse. She would curse at me, start throwing and breaking things, start driving like a maniac in the car (swerving in and out of lanes when she was in a state of rage), start shrieking like a hyena. She physically assaulted me many times also. It was very scary. When my dad was home, I would show him the wounds that were inflicted on me by my mom. But most of the time he was out of the house, as like you, he didn't want to deal with my mom's insults. So he stayed away while I bore the brunt of her affliction. 

Things have changed over the years, and my mom is more stable now. I am an adult. For many years, I have had seething rage against my father for never being my protector, for never taking me out of the situation with my mom and keeping me in a safe place. He was never there when I needed him to be. I cannot tell you the hurt and rage and resentment your kids will feel against you someday. When I went away to college, my dad suddenly realized how important my sister and I were in his life, and started getting really involved in our lives. He calls us every day now, and over time our relationship has gotten closer. I care for my dad very much. But there will always be some deep-seated hurt that I feel towards him, and some loss of respect that I feel towards him for not manning up and being that husband and father that he needed to be by cowardly escaping the situation when we needed him. If you don't quickly change things around and be the father your kids need you to be, it's very likely they will have permanent scars and life-long resentment and loss of respect for you as well. I know because I've lived it.


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## diwali123

Go to the house and get things you can carry and not live without when she's not there. Take a camera and get pics of anything she has already destroyed. If you have receipts or instruction manuals for things she has destroyed, get those. Take pictures of everything of value in the house. Take pictures of every room. 
Find one thing that had extreme sentimental value to get, maybe two. Take them with you. 
Send her a very unemotional to the point email stating what you did. Let her know if it does come to divorce you will be using your evidence as part of the settlement proceedings. Should she destroy anything else that will be a liability against her in the total value of what you own together, and it will count against what she is awarded. 
If you have any paperwork from the previous legal trouble get it and store in a safe place. 
I would move back into the house and go to a domestic violence shelter to get advice on how to get her out of the house. They will help you stay safe and change your locks. 
As for her belongings, I would keep them as leverage. If she notices they are gone play innocent. 
But that's just me. I don't f around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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