# What Next?



## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

My H had an EA and partially physical affair (if such a thing exists, they made out, but no sex) back in December with a co-worker while they were traveling together for 5 weeks. He didn't hide his EA from me, but neither one of us knew how to handle it (he told me while he was still traveling with her) and it turned into something physical. I got all of the details from him New Years Day and since then we have been working to rebuild our marriage. We were going to marriage counseling but then my husband turned depressive and he has been in counseling for that since March. I have been having a hard time because the month of January was great, I really felt like we were making headway in healing and in our marriage. I know that I have forgiven him and the OW and have learned about being more open with my H about my feelings and what I need from him and being more attentive to him and his feelings. The problem is, ever since his depression kicked in, things have really back slid in our marriage, at least for me. While some of the advances we had made stuck, I went back to feeling insignficant to him and unable to tell him how I was feeling about everything. As part of that, the OW had contacted him for something trivial and I told my H that if he wanted to have a relationship with her, then go ahead but that I expected him to stay with me and continue to work on us. That I truly believe he loves me, but really is incapable because of his depression of loving me the way I want. So, anyways, our Counselor obviously said this was not a good idea, and we had gone back and forth as well about it. (The deal was for us to be "just friends" as families since our kids are around the same age). Anyways, I went away the past two weeks to visit family and had told my husband that if he was still feeling the effects of "leaving things unfinished with the OW" (aka not having had sex when he had the first opportunity) that maybe while I was gone, that would be a good chance to take care of that. Basically, I said it because I was tired of feeling like there was still a part of him with her. That if 5 months down the road he was still pontificating on that aspect, just go ahead and get it over with. However, the night before I left, he said that he was going to end things with her, that he didn't think they could be just friends and he didn't want to risk anything. Well, he hasn't told me yet, but I highly suspect that he did have sex with the OW while I was gone. I'm not angry and stomping about or thinking about divorce or leaving him, I just don't know what/how to repair this and what do I need to do in this situation. I know that I am just as guilty about all of this as he is and I really do believe it would not happen again (emails about how he felt and the OW felt afterwards) but I know that some damage has been done and I want to make sure I own up and work at repairing all of this. I just don't know what I should do. Obviously I am going to wait patiently until he tells me, and of course, I already have some questions in my mind, but I guess my question for everyone here is - what are things about him I need to be considering in all of this? If he needs time, should I give it to him? I don't think he's going to want to have sex with me for awhile, and I understand that. I just want to make sure I get this right. And please, if all you're going to do is call me names and put me down, don't bother replying. I know I am wrong in this but I want to help make things better. I just feel at such a loss.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm honestly not sure honey. I just wanted to pop in and let you know I read it and that I can certainly see how much you want to work this out. Hopefully someone can come in and leave you some good steps and advice. 

Did you ever figure out what needs he was getting met by the OW?? Did you find a way to meet those needs for him?? Please don't take that in any way as me blaming you for any of it, just curious if the root has been fixed or worked on.


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## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

lbell:
While every situation is different and the persons envolved think/feel freely I would like to attempt giving you insight as to what your husband's thoughts may be as I have been in his shoes (Not exactly as my wife never verbally condoned my behavior).
I'm sure you have read the many posts describing a fog the adulter is in that blocks their views on reality. I can tell you that fog is definetly real, and it can not only make them COMPLETELY unaware of the hurt they are causing the people who love them the most, but it also creates a false view on those loved ones...in this case you.
As much as you try to meet his needs he still criticizes everything you do, and even if it is done to perfection he accuses it in his mind as fake. While he is in this phase you could do EVERYTHING to perfection and I can tell you it won't be enough. My rationalization during the times my wife tried SOOO hard was it was fake, and she was just putting on a show to get me to leave the other OW so she could then do the same to me. 
I, like your husband, became very depressed during this time. Even in this fog there is a sense of guilt, but more than anything the feeling of being trapped with no good way out. Damned if you do/don't type thing. I also believe during that time I lost all respect for not only myself, but also my wife. I would watch her put on the happy face and 'pretend' all was well, when I was perhaps really looking for her to put her foot down and MAKE me chose then and there. Wife and life or fantasy land. She never did that and yes respect was lost in my mind while I was in that 'fog'.
By you telling your husband to go get it over with he probably hears "I don't care about us". We all know you do or you wouldn't be here if that were the case, but think strength while he is this phase. Passiveness during this phase looks to him like weakness. Do not let him keep doing this to you. Looking back now I would have loved nothing more than my wife to knock me in the head while her foot was up my a** all the way out the door.


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## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

And yes btw I would have come back begging for forgiveness


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Thanks everyone. My H told me the details Wednesday night about all that did happen while I was gone. And it was kind of heartbreaking because he actually tried to take all the blame on himself for what happened. I did apologize to him for the part that I played and we have been closer than ever the past two days. I am still concerned about the long term effects this may have had, does he think less of me, etc.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I don't think I totally understand what has transpired, so I can't offer any thoughts. But I really don't understand why you blame yourself for anything. What part are you saying you played in all of this? I must have missed it.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I think you have good intentions, the best and I think you love your husband very much. I do think that you need to be more assertive. Giving him the okay to go and be physically intimate...is just confusing, to me, anyway.

Best,

Lyn


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 
i think you two are a little lost right now, you need to say any kind of relationship with the OW is not okay with you, if he needs her in his life, he must leave you and stop hurting you.....
Tell him you are willing to work on what is wrong in your relationship but not while there are 3 of you......
stay firm and make him be the one to make his decisions.....give it time and work on meeting each others needs. Forget about the physcial for now until you are sure of the intent on his part with your relationship.....
don't send him to her, tell him it's not acceptable for you and you will fight for what is yours......


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi there,
> i think you two are a little lost right now, you need to say any kind of relationship with the OW is not okay with you, if he needs her in his life, he must leave you and stop hurting you.....
> Tell him you are willing to work on what is wrong in your relationship but not while there are 3 of you......
> stay firm and make him be the one to make his decisions.....give it time and work on meeting each others needs. Forget about the physcial for now until you are sure of the intent on his part with your relationship.....
> don't send him to her, tell him it's not acceptable for you and you will fight for what is yours......



I totally agree.

Best,

Lyn


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Thanks everyone  I do know right now he's NOT talking to the OW. He has his good days and his bad days. He is just one of those guys who take on guilt and shame probably more than necessary and has a hard time forgiving himself for what he did.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

My husband is like this, too. 

Best,

Lyn


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

To elaborate on the 'affair fog'...what you need to do is give him an ultimatum, you need to stiffen up your back bone and really shake his foundation, what it will do is either snap him out of it (it could take awhile) or drive him away..what you need to ask yourself is, are you strong enough to make that decision, or are you going to muddle in trying to react to his actions..tell him to either stop the contact or leave..he already admitted doing wrong..so he should be bending over backwards for you, not the other way around...you really need to show him you're no push over, or live forever as a follower..IMO


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

it is funny because right before I was going to leave on vacation I was about to tell him to call everything off with the OW and to have no more contact with her, but he had beat me to the punch and said that is what he was going to do. So one of my first questions after I found out what he did while I was gone was - WTF happened to not having contact with her anymore? He didn't really have a good reply to that.


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