# My in-laws are outlaws.



## Popsicle2

Hey all, it’s lovely finding this community and it makes me feel like I’m not alone!

I’m 30 and my husband is 34. We have been married 6 years, together 8. We are both professionals and after having our youngest child, who is now two, we decided that I would be a stay at home mom. Kids are 2 and 5.

I used to say that my husband’s complicated, intrusive, and crass family (his sister, parents, grandparents) were the problem. Now, I think it’s more related to how he is handling problems with them as they arise and our differing expectations of their involvement with our nuclear family. 

We saw them around once every couple of months, and we would occasionally meet them on vacation once a year for a short duration, and around holidays we made sure to see them (thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, etc). That wasn’t a problem for me, and I allowed him to fully dictate the amount of time we’d spend with them. So it was basically on his terms and with my consent.

After my first was born, less than a year into our marriage, his parents and siblings were at our home at least three or more times every week. I didn’t ask for or want help, and they showed up as guests expecting to be catered to. So I was cooking meals, cleaning, and entertaining days after I gave birth while they played with and held my daughter. They criticized my parenting, my recovery wasn’t good enough or quick enough for them, wouldn’t give my child back when I’d ask for her, and said demeaning things about my weight. I’m also an introvert and I needed space, which I never had after the baby was born. I wanted some privacy and explained what was going on to my husband and he said oh the newness of the baby will wear off and it will all be ok.

It wasn’t ok. Months later I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and we had to set boundaries on how much time to spend with them. His family got really angry when we asked them to call before stopping by and denied ever insulting us, me, or our parenting. They started telling my husband that I must have depression, or that something was wrong with me, for trying to force them away.

We started seeing them every month hoping things would cool off and we got into counseling. My husband didn’t see why I was so hurt by their comments toward me, and justified their behavior by saying they just treat everyone like that and it’s just how they are. That made me feel unloved and worthless to him.

The remarks toward me continued and at one point my my husband’s dad announced at a dinner party that he wished he could have chosen a better wife for his son. It hurt me deeply. 

We had a second child and my husband expected the family to have more involvement because we had a newborn, so around they came again when he was born. We have maintained boundaries better since then and frankly I am at the absolute maximum I can bend to accommodate them, and my husband wants us to give them more of our time. This includes a long vacation this summer and I just cannot do it, and I’m worried that my marriage is going to explode over a stupid trip. If I go it will be bad, if I refuse it will be a different kind of bad. 



That’s my story. Looking forward to talking with you all.


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## FieryHairedLady

They sound toxic. That man saying he wished his son could of chosen a better wife, he needs to be cut out entirely.

Sad situation is your hubby thinks this is all ok.

It isn't.

He should be defending you and setting boundaries with all of them.


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## Popsicle2

Thanks for your thoughts. It truly means a lot to me to feel *heard* and that my feelings are important. 

He made that comment right before my youngest was born, and my husband didn’t do a thing about it. After the birth, I tried to be gracious and forgive/forget so that my husband could have his dad around while the baby was little. 

We still see him every month now, at least. My husband says that I need to be over it by now, and that I’m trying to keep his family away.


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## Taxman

One of my clients fed his in laws measured doses of laxatives when they popped in unannounced. He became expert at knowing what his wife was going to serve them, and made sure that it was not so powerful that they would crap themselves in his house. No, they would experience gastric distension a few hours after visiting, followed by the expected potty time. He never cooked. His wife did all of the cooking, he just made sure that enough liquid laxative would get into MIL and FIL's meals. Pretty soon, they were on to their daughter about her cleanliness, her cooking and just about everything that could cause diarrhea. Eventually they just stopped coming. It was much nicer infecting all of the food in their fridge.


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## Andy1001

Popsicle2 said:


> Thanks for your thoughts. It truly means a lot to me to feel *heard* and that my feelings are important.
> 
> He made that comment right before my youngest was born, and my husband didn’t do a thing about it. After the birth, I tried to be gracious and forgive/forget so that my husband could have his dad around while the baby was little.
> 
> We still see him every month now, at least. My husband says that I need to be over it by now, and that I’m trying to keep his family away.


You’re looking at this the wrong way. 
You don’t have problem in-laws,you have a problem with the conflict avoidant wimp that you are married to.
If you ever want anything resembling a normal family life then these people need to be banned from your home.
Start by telling your husband you are not going on vacation with his family and neither or the children.Let him know it is not open to discussion.And refuse to discuss it. 
And if I were you I would be looking into moving to a new city and let your husband know he can come or stay with his Mommy and Daddy. 
He needs to realize that this is a deal breaker because I don’t think he’s fully cut the apron strings yet.


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## Popsicle2

Taxman.... that is a brilliant story! He is a genius. I wonder if they ever mentioned their ailment to his wife &#55357;&#56834;&#55357;&#56834;


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## AandM

Look, if it helps, then Gen. 2:24:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be one flesh."

That means she goes to first place, after God. Above his parents.


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## Popsicle2

Andy1001 said:


> You don’t have problem in-laws,you have a problem with the conflict avoidant wimp that you are married to.


Totally agree with you. At first (years ago) I thought it was my in-laws, but it’s more how my husband handles them. He cannot fathom not having them involved in our lives, and will not cut them out, ever. I’m not big on ultimatums, but I do know I can’t be happy like this.

Of course divorce presents it’s own sets of problems, my kids would be around the in-laws far more and pick up their dynamics. And I’d miss out on them half the time. I’m a stay at home mom and it breaks my heart thinking of losing half their childhood.

We just started marital therapy at my insistence.


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## Prodigal

Your husband is minimizing your feelings. You are his wife; his first allegiance should be to you. No, your marriage won't be destroyed by whether or not you go on a family vacation. It WILL be destroyed by your husband's inability to get his priorities straight.


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## sa58

Sorry you are going through this.

First you should not be going through this and
your husband must have inherited some of the crazy.
You and your children are his family now. The other people 
are what is considered extended family. After giving birth they
should have catered to you.

One or two of my wife's family members would stop by unannounced after
my retirement. We live close to most of them. I told my wife they needed to
call first or I would start answering the door in my underwear only. She knows me 
very well and then they stopped. I would not do it to them they don't do it to me.

It is your home and you are fully entitled to your privacy and respect in your own home.
No one in my family would dare express anything negative about my wife or my family.
She is the person I chose to be with, not them. 30 + years and going strong now. 


I don't mean to offend you but you have three children including your husband.
He needs to show some testicular fortitude and tell them to butt out of his family.
Who cooks and cleans and takes care of your children, you do.He needs to demand
some respect and appreciation for his wife and family. Stand your ground and make him 
grow up!!

If he doesn't like it let him go live with them, bet he will come crawling back quickly.


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## tech-novelist

First let me say that I agree that your main problem is with your husband. He shouldn't let his parents get away with that nonsense.

But then I feel compelled to add the old joke: "If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws"!


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## Chippie

My H and I have had some of the worst fights over his inability to stand up to his mother and her husband. After 30 years of putting up with their rubbish and after our adult children telling us some of the things his mother had said to them when they were little, I won't have anything to do with them. Neither will our children. I have told H that I will not make him choose his mother or me, I will not prevent him seeing her, I just won't be attending any of family events on his side of the family. 

Popsicle2, I really hope the marriage therapy will help you both or it will likely become a huge resentful thing between you both.


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## Popsicle2

Thank you all so much. 

I already feel better not being told that it’s all me or I’m just too sensitive.


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## sunsetmist

Popsicle2 said:


> Thanks for your thoughts. It truly means a lot to me to feel *heard* and that my feelings are important.
> 
> He made that comment right before my youngest was born, and my husband didn’t do a thing about it. After the birth, I tried to be gracious and forgive/forget so that my husband could have his dad around while the baby was little.
> 
> We still see him every month now, at least. My husband says that I need to be over it by now, and that I’m trying to keep his family away.


I hope therapy works, otherwise, these problems will not diminish, but will accelerate, as will resentment.

His telling you what you 'need' to feel is maddening. He doesn't want to honor your position as his wife (actually what should be your position as his wife) as this would put him in a place he refuses to go.

FYI: I should have foreseen problems on my honeymoon when exH regularly called his mom to tell her about what he'd seen--while never sharing with me in person what I'd missed. This was before mobile phones and very expensive. 

Some years after our divorce (25+ years married), his mom apologized to me as she had become his new target. Bottom line was he needed CONTROL. He had that when dealing with his parents, but did not feel in control when interacting with me because deep down, he knew he was wrong in the way he treated me. So, there may be even deeper seeded problems than you realize! I truly hope your situation is different.

I empathize...and recognize your emotions.


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## NobodySpecial

Andy1001 said:


> You’re looking at this the wrong way.
> You don’t have problem in-laws,you have a problem with the conflict avoidant wimp that you are married to.
> If you ever want anything resembling a normal family life then these people need to be banned from your home.
> Start by telling your husband you are not going on vacation with his family and neither or the children.Let him know it is not open to discussion.*And refuse to discuss it. *


Except in counseling... OP you don't mention how that went. It sounds like you left with your husband not "getting it" at all.



> And if I were you I would be looking into moving to a new city and let your husband know he can come or stay with his Mommy and Daddy.
> He needs to realize that this is a deal breaker because I don’t think he’s fully cut the apron strings yet.


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## Diana7

If anyone in my family had said about my husband what your FIL said about you, I would have immediately defended him and stopped contact. 
No one should have visitors after a baby unless they are there to help and cook and clean and shop and do the laundry. 

My advise is to move right away. If not some good marriage counselling.


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## FieryHairedLady

My dad said always live a tank full of gas away from your in laws. When I got older I had to break the news to him that he was an in law now.

That being said, I had to cut him out of my life for about 5 years due to his toxic behavior. When I allowed him back it was on rare occasions and phone calls.

My hubby had to make the hard decision to cut his toxic mom entirely out of our lives almost 6 years ago. He tryed to scale it back to holidays and big events, but she wouldn't stop. So we moved, didn't even tell her where we went.

He cut his sister and the rest of the family out too while he was at it.


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## Popsicle2

Counseling — we were in counseling for over a year and my husband seemed to understand the need for boundaries. We stopped going when there wasn’t much left to talk about, which was around the time I had my second child (when all the boundaries reset). For me, I guess, allowing everyone in our lives again was a true chance for redemption per se, a fresh start from where we went wrong before.


As far as moving, we actually live two hours from the in-laws now. For comparison my parents live 1 mile away from us in the same suburb and we see them less often that my in-laws, and my parents are amazing and respectful to us. 


Of course I’ve got fault in this issue too. First, I was reluctant to stand up for myself early on. I didn’t communicate boundaries with his family. I never really needed to before in my life and I had to learn. I’m also not confrontational, which is a detriment in this situation. I am still working on not being too scared to speak my feelings, much of the time I’m scared of saying “no”.... like with the vacation. I’m afraid of my husband’s emotional reaction, but I know that I just cannot go on this trip. I’d be fine if he went alone but not me and I think it’s cruel to separate the kids from me if he demanded to take them.


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## sunsetmist

So, he, the in-laws, and the kids go on vacation without you. Will they be trying to talk him into leaving you the entire time? I certainly would not go with them. 

Eventually you will have to find the strength to speak what your boundaries are, otherwise, the rest of your life looks like this--with your blessing. Would IC for you help? You are setting a bad example for your kids.


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## Prodigal

Question: Was your husband this attached to his family when you two were dating? Did he give any indication that they were his priority ahead of you? 

I'm thinking that you either realized he was like this and hoped it would change when you married, or he pulled a bait-and-switch.

There are consequences, whether you stand up for yourself or back down. Do you think your husband would threaten divorce if you really stood your ground?


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## Popsicle2

Prodigal said:


> Question: Was your husband this attached to his family when you two were dating? Did he give any indication that they were his priority ahead of you?
> 
> I'm thinking that you either realized he was like this and hoped it would change when you married, or he pulled a bait-and-switch.
> 
> There are consequences, whether you stand up for yourself or back down. Do you think your husband would threaten divorce if you really stood your ground?


He wasn’t close to his family at all. We lived together over a year and a half before we got married and we saw them every two or three months and while the relationship between my husband and his parents was tense, no one ever insulted or belittled me.

When the baby was born, they were at our home multiple times a week. So, imagine people who aren’t close with, hardly aquatinted even, coming into your life so often during a very private time (after birth recovery time and adjusting to parenthood) and not only that, but taking over with the baby and belittling us.

We see them once a month now and it’s for a couple hours. My husband said he was happy with this at first (I majorly scaled it back and put my foot down). Now he isn’t and he wants more time. When I say no, he tells me I have too many restrictions and I’m messing up his relationship with his family.

He will not visit them alone. He hardly calls them, except to arrange a time to see them.


I think they wanted access to the babies and he couldn’t say no.


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