# Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.



## AmPag

Two years into a second marriage for both. Sex is amazing. Our teen girls get along perfectly. We support each other’s endeavors and are open with our feelings. And also... I’m a natural snoop and cyber stalker. He knows this and it’s no secret. It actually helped him quite a bit when his ex tried to take his kiddos in a custody redo! 
Anyway, I was dusting around our bedroom and came upon his watch case and man’s valet if you will. He keeps cuff links and passports, etc there. I peeked. I’ve always known there were USBs but I left them alone. They got the best of me this time. I found that he archived intimate pics of various ex’s and one in particular that he needed time to get over. He did this one week before we got married. Ok, I get it. But I saw where he accessed these files three months ago. Ok......... maybe forgot he put them there. But... he obv put them back... in the little treasure chest... three feet from where I sleep. We are married. He has knowingly and purposely kept these pics (and some are just snap shots of her IG - three years ago - that he wouldn’t want me to know he had... which is more painful). So.... I snooped. And he has, what... hurt me? I’m sad that he saw that he had them and chose to keep them. He will be embarrassed when I toss the USB to him. I won’t be angry. I’m simply disappointed and the wonderful fabric between us damaged. Dammit. 
Unfortunately, I have to say something tonight or I’ll brood with piss n vinegar. Thoughts? Yes, snooping is wrong. I know. He’ll feel violated. But hey, so do I.


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## Blondilocks

Don't say a word. Tuck that little memento away in a safe place for your eyes only. And, keep your ears and eyes open.

Should he at some time state that he's looking for it, tell him you'll help him look. Innocently ask him what's on it that is so important.

Don't worry about the snooping. He didn't - in fact he hid it in plain sight (wonder if he got a kick out of that).


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## OnTheFly

AmPag said:


> I’m a natural snoop and cyber stalker. He knows this and it’s no secret.





AmPag said:


> He’ll feel violated.


Oft times we'll rationalize ourselves into bitter resentment and eventually divorce. 

Out of curiosity, did either of your previous marriages end due to infidelity? When affair partners marry, there is typically very little trust.


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## ConanHub

Yeah. I'm not big on keeping any pictures of exes around and especially intimate ones.

Got some issues to resolve.


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## uhtred

OK, I'm going to take a somewhat less negative view of this. He has some fond memories of his ex's - eg he had hot sex with them. That doesn't mean that he wants to go back with them, is cheating with them or anything, he just likes the reminder.

Has he shown any sign of not loving you, being unfaithful or anything? Its up to you what you find acceptable or not, but blowing up over this may have exactly the opposite effect that you want. It will make a direct comparison in his mind between you and the ex - but not the real ex, a remembered fantasy of the ex.


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## AmPag

Blondilocks said:


> Don't say a word. Tuck that little memento away in a safe place for your eyes only. And, keep your ears and eyes open.
> 
> Should he at some time state that he's looking for it, tell him you'll help him look. Innocently ask him what's on it that is so important.
> 
> Don't worry about the snooping. He didn't - in fact he hid it in plain sight (wonder if he got a kick out of that).


Yup, this was my first consideration. Just take it and trash it. Or... erase the pics. Either way, he would know I knew about it. LOL 
But... I brood and will set the tension level in my home to high alert just with my *****y vibes. I don't want to do that and I don't want to have an underlying issue. We are amazing together and love each other tremendously. I'm gonna have to rip off the band-aid. (At least that's where I am right now! LOL)


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## AmPag

uhtred said:


> OK, I'm going to take a somewhat less negative view of this. He has some fond memories of his ex's - eg he had hot sex with them. That doesn't mean that he wants to go back with them, is cheating with them or anything, he just likes the reminder.
> 
> Has he shown any sign of not loving you, being unfaithful or anything? Its up to you what you find acceptable or not, but blowing up over this may have exactly the opposite effect that you want. It will make a direct comparison in his mind between you and the ex - but not the real ex, a remembered fantasy of the ex.


I hear you 100% and certainly appreciate that POV. We're both open about our pasts and we dated a lot of others until we found each other. There has been no doubt about us and no indication of not loving one another - and if one of us is on biz travel, I have no issues with him hopping on a porn site. But look, keeping digital pics of an ex's "pretty parts" and some seriously private images in our bedroom crosses a line. I never said I would blow up and honestly have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. May be really bad! Poor guy will be mortified. To be fair to me, before we got married I did say "hey, time to purge any naughty pics from your dating days, bud." He agreed... I think...
The bottom line is he knowingly saw and opted to keep them there within the past three months. No good.


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## lovelygirl

Sometimes, you keep pics of exes even if you never look at them but you just know they are there. 

If they are easily accessible, it means he still looks at them.

It's disappointing though.


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## notmyjamie

Maybe I'm an idiot, but I'd start with "I found these pictures...and I'm curious as to why you would A) Keep them and 2) access them recently, when as far as I know, we have a smoking sex life together? Be honest, you're hurt that he not only has them and looks at them but that he keeps them in your bedroom which he shares with you. But discuss this calmly and rationally or you're just going to make him defensive and nothing will get accomplished by the conversation.

Be prepared...he's going to be upset that you looked into his private stuff and he has every right. This thread reminds of the one from the husband who read his wife's old diary and found out about some stuff with her ex too that was very upsetting. 

This is why snooping is never a good idea, ever. Please, it's not enough to say "That's just how I am and he knows it" you have to stop or you could very well destroy your marriage. Obviously, if there are real signs of cheating that's different but a marriage with no problems does not handle snooping well.


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## AmPag

notmyjamie said:


> Maybe I'm an idiot, but I'd start with "I found these pictures...and I'm curious as to why you would A) Keep them and 2) access them recently, when as far as I know, we have a smoking sex life together? Be honest, you're hurt that he not only has them and looks at them but that he keeps them in your bedroom which he shares with you. But discuss this calmly and rationally or you're just going to make him defensive and nothing will get accomplished by the conversation.
> 
> Be prepared...he's going to be upset that you looked into his private stuff and he has every right. This thread reminds of the one from the husband who read his wife's old diary and found out about some stuff with her ex too that was very upsetting.
> 
> This is why snooping is never a good idea, ever. Please, it's not enough to say "That's just how I am and he knows it" you have to stop or you could very well destroy your marriage. Obviously, if there are real signs of cheating that's different but a marriage with no problems does not handle snooping well.


I know, I know. Snooping is awful and I have admonished myself for it. No, there are no signs of cheating and I don't think he has it in him. The man doesn't let go and doesn't purge well. He's a keeper of all records and all things. Something told me that this existed - somewhere. I never looked for it and I don't dwell on it but when I saw a USB tucked away, I'd hope it was insurance papers, etc. Yes, I do know that's an excuse coming from me. Believe me, my underlying insecurities are just as damaging as his unwillingness to release mementos. 
I do think I have to start the convo with "Snooping destroys marriages. I was wrong. But I can't unknow what I know." And then yeah... I guess I just will ask why the absolute f? I mean, we burned it down just last night! 

Would it be worse that it sat there in my bedroom or that I snooped? What you don't know won't hurt you?


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## uhtred

It really is your choice, and many people would do what you are planning to do. I guess i'm just saying run the scenario through your head and see where it leads. Imagine his response. Imagine alternate scenarios where you let him know you found them but just view it in a funny / playful way. 

Understand, I'm not saying you don't have every right to be upset - you do. It jsut that I see this as an important pivot point in your relationship and depending on how its handled he maybe left with a very different opinion of you






AmPag said:


> I hear you 100% and certainly appreciate that POV. We're both open about our pasts and we dated a lot of others until we found each other. There has been no doubt about us and no indication of not loving one another - and if one of us is on biz travel, I have no issues with him hopping on a porn site. But look, keeping digital pics of an ex's "pretty parts" and some seriously private images in our bedroom crosses a line. I never said I would blow up and honestly have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. May be really bad! Poor guy will be mortified. To be fair to me, before we got married I did say "hey, time to purge any naughty pics from your dating days, bud." He agreed... I think...
> The bottom line is he knowingly saw and opted to keep them there within the past three months. No good.


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## AmPag

uhtred said:


> It really is your choice, and many people would do what you are planning to do. I guess i'm just saying run the scenario through your head and see where it leads. Imagine his response. Imagine alternate scenarios where you let him know you found them but just view it in a funny / playful way.
> 
> Understand, I'm not saying you don't have every right to be upset - you do. It jsut that I see this as an important pivot point in your relationship and depending on how its handled he maybe left with a very different opinion of you


You make an excellent point - he may be left with a bad taste; it may affect our physical relationship for a time or be a negative pivotal point (I hope not). If I were strong enough to just let it be or remove it (I do not think he reviews the thing frequently), then I would. No one wants to face ugliness or tension. But it will sit in my bedroom like a beacon when I'm trying to sleep or just when I see him grabbing a different watch, etc. 
I have imagined his response and it differs from anger to embarrassment to remorse... nothing good of course. I like your idea of an alternate scenario where I make it playful or funny. But damn it stings. 
I personally will be embarrassed that I have to admit to creeping through his things. I will own that and will pay for it with him likely pushing me away for a while. I need him to know this hurt me and is disrespectful as hell... just as snooping is. No winners here. 
I do really appreciate your feedback! It's cathartic for me to walk through the various ways this will play out. Thank God my issue is just old pics!


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## Tilted 1

Uhtred said,,.......
Imagine alternate scenarios where you let him know you found them but just view it in a funny / playful way.

AP Now what l would add is you know this may happen,.......
But... I brood and will set the tension level in my home to high alert just with my *****y vibes.

And mortified, hummmmm, thinking it will be an understatement.. 

Just let dead dogs lie, enjoy the time you share together. And in the future maybe (way into the future 6 or so months) say or engage a topic say you know " a another woman to my friends friend's. Kids found some pictures hidden away of his past lovers, and of his own wife and company was over and got exposed". 

" I don't know if I could live with that the rest of my life knowing that our friends saw those photos of me naked and in compromising positions" So Joe,,, what do you think?

So.......... Just because of this,......The bottom line is he knowingly saw and opted to keep them there within the past three months.

I would also say don't stir the pot, unless you are ready for a possibility of " All hell breaking out". Take this as a new learning experience. And do not do to this relationship the same as in your last relationship. Old Habits are hard to break, so then learn and do new things and be less likely as to, not to repeat and keep playing the same game.

Insanity, --------- is doing the same thing over and over, try to get a different result.


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## lovelygirl

AmPag said:


> Snooping destroys marriages. I was wrong. But I can't unknow what I know." And then yeah... I guess I just will ask why the absolute f? I mean, we burned it down just last night!
> 
> Would it be worse that it sat there in my bedroom or that I snooped? What you don't know won't hurt you?


Be careful when you try to excuse yourself for snooping. As much as it may seem inapropriate, you don't want him to shift the blame on you and let the snooping become the main focus of arguments.
Please, don't act as if snooping is worse than keeping hidden secrets of exes. 
And No..., snooping does NOT destroy marriages ....at least not more than hiding stuff from SO.
There is snooping because there is hiding!!! So snooping is the consequence,  not the cause.

You can simply say: 
_"I know you'll be mad at me for going throgh your stuff...but I had a feeling you were HIDING something. 
Why are you still keeping pictures of your exes?......" _
...then the rest follows. So say only 1 sentence for looking at his stuff (and DON'T use the word "snooping" .... then directly talk about the pictures.)

I know it may eat you inside...but try to be calm and collective, without making him feel as if he' s being interrogated by a police. 
Give him the impression that it's still cool with you....but you're just curious.

😉


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## Tilted 1

lovelygirl said:


> Sometimes, you keep pics of exes even if you never look at them but you just know they are there.
> 
> If they are easily accessible, it means he still looks at them.
> 
> It's disappointing though.


Agree with you lovelygirl, 
That why they were put away in plain sight. But as the disappoinment goes, 
l would say, meme..... if your spouse doesn't really care if you glance at porn. 
Just maybe he may in the future he may erase.


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## AmPag

lovelygirl said:


> Be careful when you try to excuse yourself for snooping. As much as it may seem inapropriate, you don't want him to shift the blame on you and let the snooping become the main focus of arguments.
> Please, don't act as if snooping is worse than keeping hidden secrets of exes.
> And No..., snooping does NOT destroy marriages ....at least not more than hiding stuff from SO.
> There is snooping because there is hiding!!! So snooping is the consequence, not the cause.
> 
> You can simply say:
> _"I know you'll be mad at me for going throgh your stuff...but I had a feeling you were HIDING something.
> Why are you still keeping pictures of your exes?......" _
> ...then the rest follows. So say only 1 sentence for looking at his stuff (and don't use the word "snooping" then directly talk about the pictures.)
> 
> I know it may eat you inside...but try to be calm and collective, without making him feel as if he' s being interrogated by a police. Give him the impression that it's still cool with you....but you're just curious.
> 
> 😉



You get me <3
And thank you for reminding me that I'm not a criminal for taking a peek. I wish I'd never found it, but I wish more that it was never there. Also, I definitely take your advice on being calm and collective to heart. That approach will be key and I have no desire for an all out argument - there will be backlash and hurt feelings but for me moving on means acknowledging it first. I know other posters have said to let it lie and man oh man if only I were built that way I would. I wear my thoughts on my face so he'd pick up on it quickly enough! LOL
I appreciate your thoughts! So helpful to not run around with this in my own head.


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## uhtred

Just a thought, and it depends a lot on other parts of your relationship.

How would he react to a completely different approach. You tell him you caught him, so his punishment is a spanking and to be your sex slave for a week. Turns a tense difficult situation, into a fun sexy one. 

My thought is rather than have the situation end with him feeling guilty - which so easily translates into his felling that it is somehow your fault (even though it of course isn't), to one that is memorable, and where he feels both relief that you are not angry. 


Again, you have every right to confront him for betraying your trust etc. Just play out various scenarios in your mind and see which ones lead to an overall better relationship. If you want to shout at him, you have every right to do so. 






AmPag said:


> You make an excellent point - he may be left with a bad taste; it may affect our physical relationship for a time or be a negative pivotal point (I hope not). If I were strong enough to just let it be or remove it (I do not think he reviews the thing frequently), then I would. No one wants to face ugliness or tension. But it will sit in my bedroom like a beacon when I'm trying to sleep or just when I see him grabbing a different watch, etc.
> I have imagined his response and it differs from anger to embarrassment to remorse... nothing good of course. I like your idea of an alternate scenario where I make it playful or funny. But damn it stings.
> I personally will be embarrassed that I have to admit to creeping through his things. I will own that and will pay for it with him likely pushing me away for a while. I need him to know this hurt me and is disrespectful as hell... just as snooping is. No winners here.
> I do really appreciate your feedback! It's cathartic for me to walk through the various ways this will play out. Thank God my issue is just old pics!


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## lovelygirl

AmPag said:


> ]
> 
> 
> You get me <3
> And thank you for reminding me that I'm not a criminal for taking a peek. I wish I'd never found it, but I wish more that it was never there. Also, I definitely take your advice on being calm and collective to heart. That approach will be key and I have no desire for an all out argument - there will be backlash and hurt feelings but for me moving on means acknowledging it first. I know other posters have said to let it lie and man oh man if only I were built that way I would. I wear my thoughts on my face so he'd pick up on it quickly enough! LOL
> I appreciate your thoughts! So helpful to not run around with this in my own head.


No no no... I've never been a fan of letting things die in a relationship or accumulating the hurt to later burst into a temper tantrum. 
I've NEVER been a fan of passive agressive behavior but I always opt for constructive communication and speaking your mind whenever something is bothering you. ALWAYS!!! 

Then if the other partner shifts the blame on your or gets deffensive, this is another sign that shows that YOU ARE RIGHT, they are wrong!! 

Believe me, his reaction and body language will speak louder than what he's got to say. 
Watch how he reacts and you'll have the answer within the situation.


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## BioFury

AmPag said:


> I’m a natural snoop and cyber stalker. He knows this and it’s no secret.


After reading the thread, I'm not sure why this is going to be an issue, given the above? He knows you're snoopy, so wouldn't he naturally expect this from you?


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## AmPag

Lovelygirl- We are kindred spirits. If I have the guts to approach it after the kids go to bed, I’ll update the post! And hopefully have some advice for future worriers. 

BioFury- I’m hoping it’ll be a nonissue! I mean, he keeps EVERYTHING and I’m a natural purger of historical relationships. So he knows my beef with letting it linger. 😉 I respect his position... except when we’re talkin’ naughty parts.


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## Tilted 1

Then if the other partner shifts the blame on your or gets defensive, this is another sign that shows that YOU ARE RIGHT, they are wrong!!

Correct, and if it ends the marriage, you must be ok with the possible chance it could bring of those results. Again you know your husband, l do not. You it a choice you can make or not.

Good luck and anticipating your results.


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## StillSearching

I keep them just to remind myself that I have it so much better now.
Kinda like an old pack of cigarettes, for a quitter.
I can now see my ex in a REAL light and not the Idealistic light i did while I was married to her.
"How did I ever think that was so hot?"...."Keep your head grounded, man"


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lighter is better, more likely.

I liked the comment "I found these when I was cleaning out your valise/kit, and wondered if we should encrypt/back-up any important data on Onedrive/back-up, and low and behold it was just some old pics. 

First, you're my sex slave for a week, for fibbing to me, second, do you want me to go ahead and delete these, are there any other flash drives to back-up?

And leave it there. If you think it's fun for you; be in a sheer teddy or other lingerie when you tell him.

But do something sooner rather than later, or the festering and resulting sourness will become apparent and become another whole different problem.

You can do it!


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## Blondilocks

AmPag said:


> I hear you 100% and certainly appreciate that POV. We're both open about our pasts and we dated a lot of others until we found each other. There has been no doubt about us and no indication of not loving one another - and if one of us is on biz travel, I have no issues with him hopping on a porn site. But look, keeping digital pics of an ex's "pretty parts" and some seriously private images in our bedroom crosses a line. I never said I would blow up and honestly have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. May be really bad!* Poor guy will be mortified*. To be fair to me, before we got married I did say "hey, time to purge any naughty pics from your dating days, bud." He agreed... I think...
> The bottom line is he knowingly saw and opted to keep them there within the past three months. No good.


He may be mortified at being caught - not for what he did. I doubt that there is a guy on this forum who could come up with a plausible reason as for why your husband felt the need to store naughty pics of his ex in your bedroom and 3 feet away from your pillow.

I mean WTF? Is that what a loving husband would do? That is what someone who wants to keep his 'treasures' close by does. That is what someone who doesn't want to get rid of pics as you mentioned to him does.

Mouth shut and investigation mode.


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## Tilted 1

Blondilocks said:


> AmPag said:
> 
> 
> 
> I hear you 100% and certainly appreciate that POV. We're both open about our pasts and we dated a lot of others until we found each other. There has been no doubt about us and no indication of not loving one another - and if one of us is on biz travel, I have no issues with him hopping on a porn site. But look, keeping digital pics of an ex's "pretty parts" and some seriously private images in our bedroom crosses a line. I never said I would blow up and honestly have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. May be really bad!* Poor guy will be mortified*. To be fair to me, before we got married I did say "hey, time to purge any naughty pics from your dating days, bud." He agreed... I think...
> The bottom line is he knowingly saw and opted to keep them there within the past three months. No good.
> 
> 
> 
> He may be mortified at being caught - not for what he did. I doubt that there is a guy on this forum who could come up with a plausible reason as for why your husband felt the need to store naughty pics of his ex in your bedroom and 3 feet away from your pillow.
> 
> I mean WTF? Is that what a loving husband would do? That is what someone who wants to keep his 'treasures' close by does. That is what someone who doesn't want to get rid of pics as you mentioned to him does.
> 
> Mouth shut and investigation mode.
Click to expand...

Simple trophies, and conquest,..... Trophies and Conquest.
Come to mind


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## Deejo

Create a directory on the USB, move the photo files there and then password protect the directory. 

Then don't say a word. 

That is my advice.

Or ... throw the grenade and see what's left afterward.


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## MattMatt

Deejo said:


> Create a directory on the USB, move the photo files there and then password protect the directory.
> 
> Then don't say a word.
> 
> That is my advice.
> 
> Or ... throw the grenade and see what's left afterward.


 @Deejo, do you agree with me that it would be horrible, just _*horrible*_ and terrible if, by some accidental freak set of circumstances that the USB was inadvertently exposed to some Neodymium magnets? >


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## uhtred

Most likely he kept them because they reminded him of nice times in the past. Doesn't mean he isn't happy now or wants that past again. 






Blondilocks said:


> He may be mortified at being caught - not for what he did. I doubt that there is a guy on this forum who could come up with a plausible reason as for why your husband felt the need to store naughty pics of his ex in your bedroom and 3 feet away from your pillow.
> 
> I mean WTF? Is that what a loving husband would do? That is what someone who wants to keep his 'treasures' close by does. That is what someone who doesn't want to get rid of pics as you mentioned to him does.
> 
> Mouth shut and investigation mode.


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## AmPag

Blondilocks said:


> AmPag said:
> 
> 
> 
> He may be mortified at being caught - not for what he did. I doubt that there is a guy on this forum who could come up with a plausible reason as for why your husband felt the need to store naughty pics of his ex in your bedroom and 3 feet away from your pillow.
> 
> I mean WTF? Is that what a loving husband would do? That is what someone who wants to keep his 'treasures' close by does. That is what someone who doesn't want to get rid of pics as you mentioned to him does.
> 
> Mouth shut and investigation mode.
> 
> 
> 
> Ugh, right. I hope his face turns beet red! I’m going through so many emotions. You would think I caught him cheating or texting or sexting or office lunching 😉
> But shoot, this feels like a lil cheat to me. I’m an attractive 43 yo with a fruitful career but I’m feeling like rubbish at the moment. Cannot tell you how I’ve looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon. He dated A LOT after his 1st marriage but this one special ex is a good 10 years younger than us. And the pics are a few years old. So I’m looking at a 30 y/o bum n parts! LOL! ...... This is my nervous energy coming out. I have so much anxiety about having a convo. But if I don’t I’ll be a wreck.
> I need your grit, Blondielocks!
Click to expand...


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## Blondilocks

AmPag said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ugh, right. I hope his face turns beet red! I’m going through so many emotions. You would think I caught him cheating or texting or sexting or office lunching 😉
> But shoot, this feels like a lil cheat to me. I’m an attractive 43 yo with a fruitful career but I’m feeling like rubbish at the moment. Cannot tell you how I’ve looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon. He dated A LOT after his 1st marriage but this one special ex is a good 10 years younger than us. And the pics are a few years old. So I’m looking at a 30 y/o bum n parts! LOL! ...... This is my nervous energy coming out. I have so much anxiety about having a convo. But if I don’t I’ll be a wreck.
> I need your grit, Blondielocks!
> 
> 
> 
> OK, here's what you do: get on the internet and download a pic of the biggest erect penis you can find, print it out and put it in a frame on your nightstand. Don't say a word. Let him start the convo.
Click to expand...


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## Andy1001

Blondilocks said:


> AmPag said:
> 
> 
> 
> OK, here's what you do: get on the internet and download a pic of the biggest erect penis you can find, print it out and put it in a frame on your nightstand. Don't say a word. Let him start the convo.
> 
> 
> 
> I always knew you had a mean streak Blondie. :surprise:
Click to expand...


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## curious2

I understand how you feel. I don’t agree with password protecting and/or just saying nothing. I’m like you in that. Can’t hide how I feel. You can’t just sit with this. It would bother me more if it were pics of one particular ex but this seems to be several exes. Given you feel loved and are having great sex ... all seems great so try to keep this in perspective and don’t blow up but do talk and I think you’ll be ok.


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## Blondilocks

Andy1001 said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> I always knew you had a mean streak Blondie. :surprise:
> 
> 
> 
> Hey, if I were being mean I would use a double picture frame with the other pic being one of her ex and put a caption under the penis pic along the lines of "when you've had the best...".
Click to expand...


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## hurting and confused 1

It is a dangerous line and should be nipped in the bud. I am posting from the opposing side of it. I was the one with the pics of exes. Now yes, it was not nudes, but it was pics of us together that I kept. I also kept old messages and it just lead me to thinking about them more and eventually contacting them during some rough marital times. It eventually led to an affair. So again, I say, it should be talked about and nipped in the bud before it gets worse.


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## curious2

I also like blonde’s conversation starter


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## Tilted 1

So then, what your saying is because you did it that is the world standard? And others will do exactly what you did? Are you the one then not your husband? Are YOU! Coming clean?


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## curious2

If you can’t speak your mind in a respectful way about what is really effectiving you negatively and if that is considered throwing a grenade...you have to throw it and not avoid ..,, We are all imperfect


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## Deejo

curious2 said:


> I understand how you feel. I don’t agree with password protecting and/or just saying nothing. I’m like you in that. Can’t hide how I feel. You can’t just sit with this. It would bother me more if it were pics of one particular ex but this seems to be several exes. Given you feel loved and are having great sex ... all seems great so try to keep this in perspective and don’t blow up but do talk and I think you’ll be ok.


The above is a far more measured and reasonable approach.

The cynic in me would password protect the USB stick.

The person who wants to foster a positive relationship would want to understand why he feels compelled to keep those mementos given all of the good things going on in your marriage, and imagine your feelings were he to discover a cache of intimate photos of any of your ex's.

I will tell you that my ex-wife still has every photo and every photo album she ever created during our 14 years together. To her they are part of her story and a narrative of her life. If her now husband indicated that he wasnt comfortable with them being in their house and wanted her to get rid of them, I'm pretty confident she would tell him no, and call him a pu$$y. I'm just throwing that in for perspective based on a somewhat similar circumstance surrounding the concept of 'hanging on to mementos from the past'. Thankfully, they too have a good marriage, and he could care less about nearly 2 decade old photos.

To be clear, I'm not saying this shouldn't bother you, and you shouldn't care. Just highlighting that I don't think its unusual for people to hang onto stuff from their past. Although the nature of said 'stuff' is certainly a factor.


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## ConanHub

Blondilocks said:


> AmPag said:
> 
> 
> 
> OK, here's what you do: get on the internet and download a pic of the biggest erect penis you can find, print it out and put it in a frame on your nightstand. Don't say a word. Let him start the convo.
> 
> 
> 
> I love women who are good at warfare.:wink2:>
> 
> Don't forget to have some hot dudes in your nightstand as well @AmPag
Click to expand...


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## Emerging Buddhist

Hard to find trust in no trust...

How do you say up front "I don't trust so I found this"?

Trust isn't compartmentalized... it is either present as a whole or it isn't.

Anything less is a drama of wasted effort.

The only way to trust is to trust... perhaps you begin with a good show of faith "I found this but am not snooping any further and am going to see this as a healthy lesson we both need to grow from, but if anything of this nature rises again from either of us (snooping and secrets), I will question how healthy we really are and have to seriously consider how a future looks for us.

You have accountability, so does he.

Give him room to not fear any retaliation of why he kept them and you will probably know the truth of why he did more quickly... we all make mistakes, show him that trust breeds trust and in that patience your answers of why he kept them will more than likely come forth, and voluntarily.

Let the right things bother you so give him the opportunity to make it right.

Those are the actions to really take seriously...


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## sokillme

AmPag said:


> Two years into a second marriage for both. Sex is amazing. Our teen girls get along perfectly. We support each other’s endeavors and are open with our feelings. And also... I’m a natural snoop and cyber stalker. He knows this and it’s no secret. It actually helped him quite a bit when his ex tried to take his kiddos in a custody redo!
> Anyway, I was dusting around our bedroom and came upon his watch case and man’s valet if you will. He keeps cuff links and passports, etc there. I peeked. I’ve always known there were USBs but I left them alone. They got the best of me this time. I found that he archived intimate pics of various ex’s and one in particular that he needed time to get over. He did this one week before we got married. Ok, I get it. But I saw where he accessed these files three months ago. Ok......... maybe forgot he put them there. But... he obv put them back... in the little treasure chest... three feet from where I sleep. We are married. He has knowingly and purposely kept these pics (and some are just snap shots of her IG - three years ago - that he wouldn’t want me to know he had... which is more painful). So.... I snooped. And he has, what... hurt me? I’m sad that he saw that he had them and chose to keep them. He will be embarrassed when I toss the USB to him. I won’t be angry. I’m simply disappointed and the wonderful fabric between us damaged. Dammit.
> Unfortunately, I have to say something tonight or I’ll brood with piss n vinegar. Thoughts? Yes, snooping is wrong. I know. He’ll feel violated. But hey, so do I.


There trophies.


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## Robbie1234

Exactly.


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## Robbie1234

sokillme said:


> There trophies.


Exactly.


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## AmPag

So a couple of things. I learned that yes, @sokillme, they are basically trophies. This is something I will never understand about men and serial killers.

I didn't have to open the convo with penis pics @blondielocks (that would have been amazing LOL), I was led into it organically when he asked about my day. I wear my thoughts front and center. Oh well. We were alone on the back deck so I let him know about my day and what I found. I kept it mostly calm but my irritation, anxiety, and level of disgust were palpable. I could tell he felt small and he started with the "Oh, what? I haven't seen that in years." Nice try, love. Unfortunately for you there's a file marker from three months ago. He admits that he did come across it, checked it and knowingly kept it, but has no reason. Nope, nothing... basically "I have no good reason" was all I got. I will never get my "why". I could tell that he felt rather small but he fought it by being contrite. Of course "why are you looking through my things" came up, but I didn't let him steer the convo. Yes, he has every right to be angry about that part and I'll give him his stewing time. 
He did apologize for keeping it. I told him he's sorry he got caught and he admitted as much. I also told him that it hurt me and made me feel a lesser sense of worth in his eyes - he said that was all in my head and only I felt that way, not him. Of course, the more I talked about it the angrier I got, and I said some pretty belittling things. About 7% of me regrets them.

He called me at my office today and explained that he is sickened by the whole thing, he's angry that I looked and "found" it but more angry at himself for keeping the "stupid thing". 

Even though it was hurtful, I'm GLAD I found it and confronted him. This type of situation, in my opinion, should always be met head-on. Otherwise, the hurt party will gunnysack her/his hurt feelings, the wound will fester, and he/she will throw out little snide comments from time to time that the other party just doesn't understand. There will be a bigger explosion when it finally comes out. My husband feels sick that I saw the images - he says he hates that the most because it shouldn't be in my head... but he would have hated it more if I'd seen them weeks or months ago and had brooded over it.

Be good, y'all and enjoy your weekend!


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## Andy1001

When you calm down and think about this you will realize that what he actually said was this. 
“I’m sorry but it’s your fault”.
He’s like the guy that knocks you off your bicycle and apologizes but then says “you shouldn’t have been on the road anyway”.
He’s sorry he got caught. And that’s all.


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## lovelygirl

..wait. ... 

Didn't he throw them away??? 
Didn't he delete them after this convo???

Saying he's sorry and actually being sorry are 2 different things.

If he's really sorry, he gotta show it BY THROWING/DELETING those pictures! 


Actions please, actions!!!


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## AmPag

Andy1001 said:


> When you calm down and think about this you will realize that what he actually said was this.
> “I’m sorry but it’s your fault”.
> He’s like the guy that knocks you off your bicycle and apologizes but then says “you shouldn’t have been on the road anyway”.
> He’s sorry he got caught. And that’s all.


You are RIGHT ON about that. He tried to say - "Well you wouldn't have been hurt if you didn't look through my things." Rest assured I didn't let that settle at all - he's trying to deflect. As @lovelygirl said... snooping is the consequence of there being something to find! 0 
He's sorry he was an idiot.


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## OnTheFly

AmPag said:


> snooping is the consequence of there being something to find! 0


Keep snooping, if you found this, you'll find more. 

Besides, it's natural.


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## AmPag

lovelygirl said:


> ..wait. ...
> 
> Didn't he throw them away???
> Didn't he delete them after this convo???
> 
> Saying he's sorry and actually being sorry are 2 different things.
> 
> If he's really sorry, he gotta show it BY THROWING/DELETING those pictures!
> 
> 
> Actions please, actions!!!


Oh yes, girl. They're GONE. Actually, I took possession prior to the convo. He wanted it destroyed immediately while we were talking but I made him suffer by telling him I will take care of it in due time (which I already have... he can't stand thinking I have those things in my grasp). We both expressed that our trust levels have taken a hit - rightly so. He said he's never, ever behaves nefariously and I completely believe and know that. But the way I see it, and explained to him, was that if you can hang on to and hide these intimate pieces of the past, maybe you're not done with it??? We're beginning to understand one another........... perhaps.


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## lovelygirl

AmPag said:


> Oh yes, girl. They're GONE. Actually, I took possession prior to the convo. He wanted it destroyed immediately while we were talking but I made him suffer by telling him I will take care of it in due time (which I already have... he can't stand thinking I have those things in my grasp)


. 

You rock, girl! :smthumbup:




> We both expressed that our trust levels have taken a hit - rightly so. He said he's never, ever behaves nefariously and I completely believe and know that. But the way I see it, and explained to him,* was that if you can hang on to and hide these intimate pieces of the past, maybe you're not done with it???*


Good point!!!
What was it there that kept him going back to those pictures, even now that he's in a good marriage with you!?


[QUOTEWe're beginning to understand one another........... perhaps.[/QUOTE]
I've always been about "Trust but verify!" 

Blind trust is ridiculous, is self-harm, is being taken for granted, is being taken for a doormat. You can be anything but any of these. But, when you keep an eye open and still play it cool, you're one step ahead of him! 
So keep on trusting your *gut feeling! *It NEVER lets you down, just like it didn't now.


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## Rubix Cubed

AmPag said:


> Oh yes, girl. They're GONE. Actually, I took possession prior to the convo. He wanted it destroyed immediately while we were talking but I made him suffer by telling him I will take care of it in due time (which I already have... he can't stand thinking I have those things in my grasp). We both expressed that our trust levels have taken a hit - rightly so. He said he's never, ever behaves nefariously and I completely believe and know that. But the way I see it, and explained to him, was that if you can hang on to and hide these intimate pieces of the past, maybe you're not done with it??? We're beginning to understand one another........... perhaps.


 I'm a little late but my suggestion would have been to erase the pics and put some of you on there and sit back and wait.
If you really still want to make him sweat tell him you posted them all on a porn site, and watch him sweat or not (don't actually do it, by the way, it's highly illegal). 

I think you handled everything like a champ. You did it perfectly.


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## In Absentia

I keep photos of my ex girlfriends... so what? My wife is fine with it. They are my EX girlfriends and I've lost touch with them. They are in photo albums. If I snooped and invaded my wife's privacy, our marriage would be over, probably. Ok, it's already over, but for other reasons... :laugh:


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## lovelygirl

In Absentia said:


> I keep photos of my ex girlfriends... so what? My wife is fine with it. They are my EX girlfriends and I've lost touch with them. They are in photo albums. If I snooped and invaded my wife's privacy, our marriage would be over, probably. Ok, it's already over, but for other reasons... :laugh:


It's one thing to have random photos of your exes, and it's _another _to have *sexual photos of your exes*, stored / hidden in a specific place so that *you can arouse yourself *from time to time. 

.SORRY.





Like...really.... how can you even compare these situations!


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## In Absentia

lovelygirl said:


> Like...really.... how can you even compare these situations!



I missed that bit... :grin2: I still find it ok. They are part of his life and he likes looking at them from time to time. I also think it's pretty normal for a guy. If my wife did this, I would be ok with it, if the rest of our relationship is hunky-dory...


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## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> I missed that bit... :grin2: I still find it ok. They are part of his life and he likes looking at them from time to time. I also think it's pretty normal for a guy. If my wife did this, I would be ok with it, if the rest of our relationship is hunky-dory...


I foresee a future full of *more *rosy palms for you.


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> I foresee a future full of *more *rosy palms for you.


Thanks... but I'm not having another relationship... :laugh:


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## curious2

I’m just really disappointed in how this turned out.


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## MrMystified

uhtred said:


> just a thought, and it depends a lot on other parts of your relationship.
> 
> How would he react to a completely different approach. You tell him you caught him, so his punishment is a spanking and to be your sex slave for a week. Turns a tense difficult situation, into a fun sexy one.
> 
> My thought is rather than have the situation end with him feeling guilty - which so easily translates into his felling that it is somehow your fault (even though it of course isn't), to one that is memorable, and where he feels both relief that you are not angry.
> 
> 
> Again, you have every right to confront him for betraying your trust etc. Just play out various scenarios in your mind and see which ones lead to an overall better relationship. If you want to shout at him, you have every right to do so.


this!


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## Marduk

Blondilocks said:


> He may be mortified at being caught - not for what he did. I doubt that there is a guy on this forum who could come up with a plausible reason as for why your husband felt the need to store naughty pics of his ex in your bedroom and 3 feet away from your pillow.
> 
> 
> 
> I mean WTF? Is that what a loving husband would do? That is what someone who wants to keep his 'treasures' close by does. That is what someone who doesn't want to get rid of pics as you mentioned to him does.
> 
> 
> 
> Mouth shut and investigation mode.



I did this. 

I had a journal from when I was a teenager until my early 20s, and it had pictures of ex girlfriends and my ex wife in there. A few were racy. 

I had totally forgotten about them. Seriously. My wife found them while looking in my night table for something. 

We ripped them up and threw them away - the sexy ones at least. I didn’t care. She was fine about it. 

The difference is that I hadn’t looked at them in 20+ years. And that makes all the difference here, I think.


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## lovelygirl

Marduk said:


> I did this.
> 
> The difference is that I hadn’t looked at them in 20+ years. And that makes all the difference here, I think.


Yep!

Example- I do have pics of my exes or even intimate videos we did together. I rarely ever look at them and definitely NOT when I'm dating someone else. Not because it's simply unfair but to be honestly honest.... I don't really feel the need to. 

So I'm completely sure that one looks at them when they're not fully satisfied with their current relationship/marriage. Keeping them is not the real issue, but going back to them from time to time (when already married), is. 

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia

lovelygirl said:


> So I'm completely sure that one looks at them when they're not fully satisfied with their current relationship/marriage.


I don't agree... he obviously liked his girlfriends very much and found them hot, so he get pleasure from looking at their bodies from time to time. It's a nice feeling for him, maybe with a hint of nostalgia for when he was younger... it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't value his present relationship. It's a very personal thing. It's part of who you are.


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## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> I don't agree... he obviously liked his girlfriends very much and found them hot, so he get pleasure from looking at their bodies from time to time. It's a nice feeling for him, maybe with a hint of nostalgia for when he was younger... it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't value his present relationship. It's a very personal thing. It's part of who you are.


Your take on the 'Incredibly Worried about...' thread would be interesting.


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## rugswept

Of course you're upset. That is understandable. 
This was a case of jaywalking, not a major cheat or anything else. 

Yes, he's less than perfect and he probably wondered off into thoughts about her. 
Think of the life they had together. It's not like he can erase all that, or that he has forgotten it all. 

He wandered off, briefly, probably in some fantasy about them and what they were. 
Then, that was it. Anyone who was in that kind of relationship had fond things to recall.

This is no worse than some one off access to watching porn. There was nothing interactive or that involved a personal exchange. 

Leave it at that. Drop the whole thing. Don't go any further either way. 
You know nothing, he knows nothing. Just let it vanish.


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> Your take on the 'Incredibly Worried about...' thread would be interesting.


There's nothing interesting to say about that thread. The man is conditioned by his past and is insecure. I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's a typical UK's tradition having a stripper at a hen party... the girls have some fun, have a few drinks, lick the stripper's ass... :laugh: So what? It was 8 years ago. I can't believe people are telling him not to marry her when she's been so supportive to him.


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## Lostinthought61

When i was young, before emails and pictures, there were letters, i was a letter writer, i wore letters to friends, girlfriends at the time and ex lovers...words mattered, they did to me at least...when i got married i put those letters away, and sure some were extremely intimate....one day my wife found several of them and thought i should have destroyed them, while i complied, i was both angry and sad at the same time, granted they were my past but to deny your past is to deny who you are who you have become....i regret throwing them out, by her telling me to get rid of them made me think more of letters and their content then just leaving them where they were...so that maybe my future self when i am too old to remember could read them one day and think back of the younger me...now i understand we are talking about pictures of former ex and lovers, but to force someone to destroy them because you are not comfortable with them will only make him think about them more. And on some level create resentment towards you.


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## In Absentia

Lostinthought61 said:


> And on some level create resentment towards you.


Absolutely. It's destroying part of yourself. If you are committed to the relationship and there are no apparent issues, I don't see the problem in keeping whatever...


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## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> Be careful when you try to excuse yourself for snooping. As much as it may seem inapropriate, you don't want him to shift the blame on you and let the snooping become the main focus of arguments.
> Please, don't act as if snooping is worse than keeping hidden secrets of exes.
> And No..., snooping does NOT destroy marriages ....at least not more than hiding stuff from SO.
> There is snooping because there is hiding!!! So snooping is the consequence, not the cause.
> 
> You can simply say:
> _"I know you'll be mad at me for going throgh your stuff...but I had a feeling you were HIDING something.
> Why are you still keeping pictures of your exes?......" _
> ...then the rest follows. So say only 1 sentence for looking at his stuff (and DON'T use the word "snooping" .... then directly talk about the pictures.)
> 
> I know it may eat you inside...but try to be calm and collective, without making him feel as if he' s being interrogated by a police.
> Give him the impression that it's still cool with you....but you're just curious.
> 
> 😉


I snooped while I was dating my husband. I admitted to it and I am glad that I did. He kept saying "she's just a friend" which derailed every conversation before I had the facts and the details. "Yes, but you treat her better than you treat me. So what does that make me......."

If you did not have the facts at hand, your partner would just deny everything and you would not have a productive discussion.

A lot of people, in cyberspace anyway, push this "trust card." Since we were talking about a long gone poster in another active thread, I'll just mention it was Entropy3000 who said (paraphrasing) "instead of worrying about trusting someone, we should be considering how trustworthy they are behaving." If your partner tries to make snooping the real sin here, imagine what the future will look like. Here in this community, transparency is what is advocated. If you two are married or living together and have agreed to be exclusive (let's not assume anything), then you should have access to all his accounts.


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## bkyln309

I would be more worried about your snooping than his pics. You have an issue.


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## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> I snooped while I was dating my husband. I admitted to it and I am glad that I did. He kept saying "she's just a friend" which derailed every conversation before I had the facts and the details. "Yes, but you treat her better than you treat me. So what does that make me......."


Yeah, I remember your story and I've always thought you did the right thing!!!



> If you did not have the facts at hand, your partner would just deny everything and you would not have a productive discussion.


'Xactly!!



> A lot of people, in cyberspace anyway, push this "trust card." Since we were talking about a long gone poster in another active thread, I'll just mention it was Entropy3000 who said (paraphrasing)


Entropy..... I miss him so much!! :crying:



> "instead of worrying about trusting someone, we should be considering how trustworthy they are behaving."


I wish I could quote this in my signature, but the limit doesn't allow me. 
True true true words!!!! :smnotworthy:



> If your partner tries to make snooping the real sin here, imagine what the future will look like. Here in this community, transparency is what is advocated.


:yay: 

DEFINITELY!!




> If you two are married or living together and have agreed to be exclusive (let's not assume anything), then you should have access to all his accounts.


 I never understood what's the big deal about passwords and stuff. (Unless it's your _personal _bank account) then any other shared account or social media or whatever...should be open to one-another. 
If you've got nothing to hide, why bother??


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## lovelygirl

bkyln309 said:


> I would be more worried about your snooping than his pics. You have an issue.


For a second I thought you were OP's partner..... :scratchhead:

...until I saw your post-count.


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## NextTimeAround

bkyln309 said:


> I would be more worried about your snooping than his pics. You have an issue.


That just means that LovelyGirl is not right for you.


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## Blondilocks

The wedding vow to 'forsake all others' does not contain caveats i.e. unless you were previously intimate with them or unless you want to be intimate with them but know that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell or unless you are currently intimate with others and have no intention of giving them up.

These people were in the past and the current partner is the present and the future. It's hard to be truly present when you keep the past alive and well and keep dragging it into the future. You're either all in or you're not.


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> These people were in the past and the current partner is the present and the future. It's hard to be truly present when you keep the past alive and well and keep dragging it into the future. You're either all in or you're not.


So, you are saying she should divorce him?


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## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> So, you are saying she should divorce him?


No. Geez, did you just pull this out of your ass?


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> No. Geez, did you just pull this out of your ass?


Probably... :laugh: what are you suggesting, then?


----------

