# Help with my relationship



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4-5months, we are in our early 30s, no kids. He leaves with his parents due to recently moving to this city, and only getting a consulting non permanent job. He recently got hired as a full time permanent position but doesn’t start for a month. So he always sleeps over at my place, I would say 5-7x a week. I’m the beginning, I treated him like my guest... cooking for him, cleaning up, normal nice stuff. Now he is not a guest and I feel like we have for Into this habit of me still treating him as a guest if that makes sense. I go grocery shopping, I cook for myself but cook extra Bc I know he will be hungry. I always clean and do everything around the house, he usually picks up after himself but often forgets. He drinks a lot of the alcohol that I buy.... but he has bought a bottle of wine here and there. 
So I guess I’m kind of annoyed. After a long day of work, sometimes I like to make myself a quick sandwich when I get home and I’m done... he will come over hours later and be like I’m hungry. And I am to the point where I am well Grubhub something or go cook something. It he usually just orders food. 
Am I spoiling him to much? Shouldn’t he step up and like help out more? I really don’t want to have to have the conversation, I’m hoping he will get the hint when I stop doing things for him that I think he should be doing.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Communication is key. You need to clue him in bout why you did it in the beginning and why he needs to step up to the plate as well. If he is pretty much living with you, then you half everything. That means bills, groceries, and chores!

He is not a guest anymore. You two are pretty much living together now. 

Now,this brings a different dynamic to the relationship. Are you ready to live together? IS he? Would you like this man as a long term partner and will he want you? 

You are being resentful that he has abused your guest privileges and rightfully so. Not communicating this to him in no uncertain terms will not help you as a couple. He is not a mind reader. Dropping hints is not a good idea either. Communication and honesty are the best policy. Learn to be direct.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like he's acting like a *boy*friend instead of a *man*friend.

I'm a little stunned that he comes over and says "I'm hungry". He's not a kid and you're not his mom. What he should be doing is coming over and saying "Hey Girl! I got Thai. You hungry?"

He should definitely be picking up after himself. As for cleaning, I know I sometimes feel weird cleaning up someone else's house when I'm staying with them. I'm worried that they may think I'm cleaning because I disapprove of the way they clean. But stuff like doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen after *helping* cook dinner, picking up his stuff from the house, etc. are things he should be doing.

I don't think he'll get the hint if you just stop doing things. I don't think he's that kind of person. You need to be direct. Next time he says he's hungry, say that only his mom will respond to him talking like that, and the next time he comes over hungry, he better have a bag of takeout or groceries that he's going to cook.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i think is behavior is unacceptable and wont excuse him.

however here is my "but"...…

I can see if suddenly unemployed, your "life schedule" kinda gets all screwed up, to where it conflicts with yours. Before going to war over this, I might just sit back and see if this all sorts itself out on its own when he goes back to work and gets a routine schedule.

if this drags on, is mooching off you, living in la-la land...well that's a different story.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Why would he change or do more if your just a doormat ? Why are you letting him stay over every night ? He's moved in at less than 5 months ? And now he knows you'll cater to whatever he wants. Good luck.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Am I spoiling him to much?
> YES.
> 
> Shouldn’t he step up and like help out more?
> ...


My answers are capitalized. No, I'm not yelling, it's hard to navigate the special colored fonts from my phone.

Question-do you want him to be there that much? The relationship is fairly new so I'm guessing there's tons of sex . . . So, yes?

If he has achieved lover/roommate status, along with that comes The Talk. Rules and expectations. @Bibi1031 got it right. Communication is of paramount importance, especially now that your relationship has moved onto the next level.

Do it now before resentment builds. Good luck.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

He's in his 30's and he still lives at home. Mommy has taken care of him his entire life so he thinks women should be like his mommy and make him dinner. You def need to have the conversation that you're not his mother and he needs to Man Up


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s just annoying! Now I have to dial it back a little and make sure he is treating me as good as I’m treating him. I don’t understand why people can just spoil the one they are with in a relationship.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> It’s just annoying! Now I have to dial it back a little and make sure he is treating me as good as I’m treating him. I don’t understand why people can just spoil the one they are with in a relationship.



"make sure he is treating me as good as I treat him"??????

hang on, that subjective. I'm sure in your mind you are being wonderful. the things you point out, OK great, but here is the big BUTT.....it doesn't me that's what HE values from you as important.

if your methodology in a relationship is to "make certain of equal treatment" well I am afraid to say you will never find happiness. people (apparently right now you BF waiting for his new job to come in) go through different struggles in life and can't always be johnny on the spot with meeting those perceived needs (wants) as we build up in our minds, and even then he can be doing things he perceives as "good treatment" of you but you don't see it that way.

I guess what I am saying is a relationship isn't a SCORE CARD.

hope this makes sense.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

x598 said:


> "make sure he is treating me as good as I treat him"??????
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Of course that makes sense. But effort is important to me and he is loving life being spoiled by his parents and then coming here and being spoiled by me. My problem is he isn’t appreciative . While I am working a full time job while picking up lots of overtime I still find ways to be good to him and he is doing the bare minimum. That’s how I see it.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Of course that makes sense. But effort is important to me and he is loving life being spoiled by his parents and then coming here and being spoiled by me. My problem is he isn’t appreciative . While I am working a full time job while picking up lots of overtime I still find ways to be good to him and he is doing the bare minimum. That’s how I see it.


I am sure you do, and you have every right to see it the way you wish. the trouble is, doesn't necessarily make it so.


look if he is really just using you (because that's really what it boils down to) then cut your loses because you aren't going to change him. 

on the other hand, maybe he is embarrassed because he isn't working and living at his parents and doesn't particular feel good about himself at the moment. I'm just guessing here because all I have is your side of the story.


but I'm getting the feeling you are having these expectations built up in your mind about the way things "should be" (according to you) but he is fine with things and you aren't doing a good job of helping him understand how he isn't meeting your needs. I mean that's the oldest story in the book.....some guy thought things were fine but the woman was ticked and left. we men aren't mind readers and im just asking if he really understands your issues versus you hinting and making subtle nods. 

I still say that once he gets working and more of a routine, your relationship may improve from having more structure and defined rolls. right now its kinda all in limbo


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

x598 said:


> I am sure you do, and you have every right to see it the way you wish. the trouble is, doesn't necessarily make it so.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I don’t think he is using me. I think he genuinely likes me and just loves to be spoiled like most men (and women) do. And your right be clearly doesn’t understand that I am unhappy so I get that.

Here is an example that happened today... he loves lamb and has been hinting to me that he wants me to make it. 2 days ago I told him I would make it for dinner on Friday. Today (Friday) I text him and ask what he is doing and he was out to eat with his parents. I don’t blame him for forgetting, but I put effort in, looked up recipes, and spent $$ on food. So I told him I guess I will put the lamb back in the freezer. And his response is what made me mad... he was like oh I forgot that you were cooking lamb tonight! That was it. He didn’t say sorry, or anything. And my response was yep. Then there was a pause and the subject was switched by him. It’s little things like that that bother me... like you can’t even say sorry? What’s the point of making an effort to make him happy if he doesn’t appreciate it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And to add to that story... I have been having terrible neck pain from sleeping wrong, and today it was so bad I was almost crying. Couldn’t function without ibuprofen. And I back my car into a bunch of huge rocks Bc I couldn’t turn my neck enough to see where I was going. I told him this story and he knows I’m having a tough day Bc of my neck and hasn’t asked about me and how I am doing or anything.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

as for the neck thing.....I can understand how he may not realize how difficult it was...and miss that one so I might give him a pass there.

BUT...….you made plans with him (dare I say date) to make a dinner he requested and he simply FORGOT? that one I would be pissed about. I mean I realize sometimes sheet happens and stuff comes up.....but flat out I forgot wouldn't cut it for me.....unless maybe this was a ONE TIME thing....which after talking more I am starting to get it now that this is more then likely his standard operating procedure.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

x598 said:


> as for the neck thing.....I can understand how he may not realize how difficult it was...and miss that one so I might give him a pass there.
> 
> 
> 
> BUT...….you made plans with him (dare I say date) to make a dinner he requested and he simply FORGOT? that one I would be pissed about. I mean I realize sometimes sheet happens and stuff comes up.....but flat out I forgot wouldn't cut it for me.....unless maybe this was a ONE TIME thing....which after talking more I am starting to get it now that this is more then likely his standard operating procedure.




Yea I am upset about the dinner thing, and I think I am extra sensitive about it Bc I’m crabby Bc my neck hurts if that makes sense.

It’s annoying that I have to spell everything out to him. And I’m too upset that I really don’t want to do that right now. I’m too tired to explain to someone normal nice behavior.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oh the lamb dinner thing would've pissed me off. I'm an overdoer. I find I have to dial it waaaaay back for those who don't return my generosity with at least an nth of appreciation.

In fact today is my coworker/friend's birthday. I used to decorate her office, make her fave cookies, etc. Several years go by without even a happy birthday to me from her. Our birthdays aren't even a month apart. We talk often. 

I know it's petty, but I have returned the favor by ignoring hers. I'm tired of being disappointed by people. I'll save my love and admiration for those who appreciate it.

He should've at least apologized. He sounds like he's a bit entitled?

You should talk to him if you want to continue your relationship. Don't waste your talents on those who don't acknowledge or appreciate them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who he is. He could possibly change but don't bet on it. 

He missed his opportunity for that special dinner that he requested (on your dime) because he "forgot". He'll probably be hinting again soon enough. Just ignore him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Openminded said:


> This is who he is. He could possibly change but don't bet on it.
> 
> He missed his opportunity for that special dinner that he requested (on your dime) because he "forgot". *He'll probably be hinting again soon enough. Just ignore him.*


I'd remind him that I already DID cook his favourite damn meal and STOOD ME UP. He'd then be told that ship had sailed.

How rude of him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

And PS if someone went to the trouble of cooking me a meal I love and that I had asked for, I'd be all "Thankyou so much, this is delicious, sit here and put your feet up." I'd bring them a blanket and a cuppa to enjoy while I cleaned up!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I think he genuinely likes me and just loves to be spoiled like most men (and women) do.


You've sadly set a precedent that is *overwhelmingly common* even in today's world where women are working full time and have careers of their own - when you get home from work, you're expected to do _everything_ inside the house while he lays on his dead ass feeling entitled to not have to do a damned thing because he's a male. And your situation sucks even_ more _because he doesn't even live with you and hasn't contributed ANYTHING at all and yet here he is, expecting you to do it all.

The mistake you're making is thinking he's 'enjoying being spoiled' by you. Truth is, he's simply feeling *entitled* to it and THAT'S why you wrote the post you wrote. Because you know deep down, you're being taken advantage of. Period.

I'm telling you *right now* - you either fix this mess by letting him know you're NOT his maid, cook, laundress, housekeeper, shopper, appointment-maker, bill payer and weekly paycheck or you can expect a* lifetime *of this entitled bull**** behavior from him if you marry him. And when you have kids, you can throw 'nanny' on the list as well because you'll be the one doing 90% of the parenting on top of everything else.



Girl_power said:


> My problem is he isn’t appreciative . While I am working a full time job while picking up lots of overtime I still find ways to be good to him and he is doing the bare minimum. That’s how I see it.


But then you turn around and REWARD his childish, *entitled *ass by continuing to pander to him almost every night - whether he calls GurbHub or not. You're just insuring even more entitlement on his part.



> Here is an example that happened today... he loves lamb and has been hinting to me that he wants me to make it.


And you *reward* his self entitled **** behavior AGAIN by pandering to him and making it happen. And the self entitled POS stands you up because he was going out to eat with mommy and daddy.  This guy is such a douche bag. I'm sorry, but he is.

I have zero respect for men who *mooch* off women (and their parents). I had a boyfriend I dumped pretty quickly when I saw it had become a pattern that I was cooking dinner and supplying the drinks afterward almost every Saturday night. He and I were both struggling financially so we couldn't afford to go out on dates to dinner and all those things, but he thought nothing of letting _*me*_ shoulder the costs every time we got together at my place - with zero contribution from him. His pitiful ass was booted pretty quickly.

That was me *respecting* myself, OP. You're not respecting yourself.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Both of you are in your early thirties so your personalities and habits are well established. Why is it so hard to open your eyes and realize he is not right for you? He doesn't deliver what you want in a partner, he isn't reciprocal in "spoiling" you as you spoil him.

If you have to train a person to be who you want it isn't ever an honest relationship. Eventually that training will wear off, by then you're married with two kids feeling stuck in a miserable marriage. Frankly I don't think it's worth trying to get him to change, I think you need to find someone who naturally has a more caring and considerate personality.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

We can only respond to the limited information posted but here's what I see. 

He doesn't work, he lives at home, and you feed him on demand. He may or may not show up early in the evening but he almost always manages to swing by later in the evening for sex. 

Gently, you sound like a nice caring person but there's a high probability that his major interest in you is sex and food (and sure he 'likes' you). 

Plus it also sounds like he expects to be treated the way his mother treats him (wait on him, pick up after him, adjust your meals to his preferences, plan your schedule around him). He repeatedly tests you (and you pass). 

Perhaps you are both from homes with very traditional cultural roles for men and women.
However, you have become more independent and modern - while he has not.
You sound hesitant to speak up and challenge his behavior (on the spot) and express your resentment.
Consequently, his behavior gets worse and your resentment/anger grows.

Among other things, his behavior is selfish, disrespectful, entitled, and insensitive to you. You deserve better.

It's entirely up to your threshold for pain as to what to do next (try to change him - or just dump him). IMO I guy in his 30s is not likely to change - what you see is what you get.

I think you need to ask yourself why you let this go so long (btw: being lonely is a good excuse but not long term). 
Going forward, I think you should use this as a learning experience and adjust your screen for a life partner to exclude guys like this.

I wish you well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think he is using me. I think he genuinely likes me and just loves to be spoiled like most men (and women) do. And your right be clearly doesn’t understand that I am unhappy so I get that.
> 
> Here is an example that happened today... he loves lamb and has been hinting to me that he wants me to make it. 2 days ago I told him I would make it for dinner on Friday. Today (Friday) I text him and ask what he is doing and he was out to eat with his parents. I don’t blame him for forgetting, but I put effort in, looked up recipes, and spent $$ on food. So I told him I guess I will put the lamb back in the freezer. And his response is what made me mad... he was like oh I forgot that you were cooking lamb tonight! That was it. He didn’t say sorry, or anything. And my response was yep. Then there was a pause and the subject was switched by him. It’s little things like that that bother me... like you can’t even say sorry? What’s the point of making an effort to make him happy if he doesn’t appreciate it.


He kinda sounds like a loser.

Does he have it going on in the sack because I'm scratching my head about what you find attractive about him?

He sounds like another overgrown boy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m not going to be as polite as everyone else.
He sees you as a **** buddy and thinks you should be grateful that he deigns to have sex with you. 
Is he out of your league looks wise? If he had a career and his own house would he be dating you?
Dump this loser and ask yourself why you allowed him to treat you like this for so long. Maybe even consider some counseling.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You're in it this far, you won't be in it much further if you say something like "Can you help out w/ the chores while I'm at work?" or "I wasn't going to cook but you could make something". If it turns out he sees you as his servant I'd recommend breaking up, but as others have suggested maybe he just doesn't feel like he has permission to do those things in your house. 

If he simply was never taught to do any chores, but is open to learning, then you decide if you want to teach him or not. The downside is you'd have to teach, the upside is there wouldn't be a conflict btw your way and that of whoever taught him.

This being the internet, you will get a disproportionate # of condemnations. It is fun and no-cost to type "I would never tolerate someone who isn't perfect! Dump the miscreant!" But I think very few relationships start w/ two perfect people, so if someone is open to learning there are possibilities.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> We can only respond to the limited information posted but here's what I see.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I just want to correct some things... he does work. He moved here in December and only was offered a consulting job (full time, but not permanent). He is still doing this consulting job, but that’s why he moves in with his parents Bc he didn’t have a permanent job. He recently got offered and accepted a permanent job making $85k, he starts that in 3weeks. 

I don’t know if he expects me to take care of him, but I’m defense of him I stepped into that role of taking care of him. 

Yes I do agree that my anger and resentment is getting worse. But again I haven’t had a conversation with him about it so it’s my fault.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m not going to be as polite as everyone else.
> 
> He sees you as a **** buddy and thinks you should be grateful that he deigns to have sex with you.
> 
> ...




He isn’t out of my league looks wise. I am a great catch, and the only this is he is 3 years younger than me. 
But he tells me daily how lucky he is to have found me, that I am the best girlfriend he has ever had, that I am way out of his league etc.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So this morning (Sunday) he said something to me like “oh I can make breakfast.”. He knows I don’t eat breakfast, and I usually make him eggs. So I responded with... yes you can make breakfast, as an adult you can cook for yourself, and clean up after yourself and take care of yourself. Yes babe, you can cook breakfast. Haha I get that was a tad *****y but I got my point acrossed. In the end.... he cooked for himself, and clean everything up and put it away . I small step for me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> You're in it this far, you won't be in it much further if you say something like "Can you help out w/ the chores while I'm at work?" or "I wasn't going to cook but you could make something". If it turns out he sees you as his servant I'd recommend breaking up, but as others have suggested maybe he just doesn't feel like he has permission to do those things in your house.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Exactly. Dating in your 30s is not easy and not fun. And everyone has baggage and no one is perfect. Yes I agree that he shouldn’t be entitled, and he should do more chores... but i have a lot of negative qualities about me that he tolerates.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Exactly. Dating in your 30s is not easy and not fun. And everyone has baggage and no one is perfect. Yes I agree that he shouldn’t be entitled, and he should do more chores... but i have a lot of negative qualities about me that he tolerates.


Dating is never easy, and dating at any time in life has its own set of challenges.

One thing you need to do at this point is see if both of you can communicate respectfully, and more importantly, _disagree respectfully_, without one of you getting defensive, or attacking the other, or lying. Having been married, I can tell you all these "little things" get a lot more annoying and trying on one's patience once the spectre of "lifelong commitment" enters the picture.

So... make requests (not complaints)... explain your feelings and your perspective... see what he says.

Example: "_I've been cooking quite a bit for us, and I know you're not working yet; would you mind getting dinner ready a couple times this week?_"

If he gets tense and views this as an attack on himself and gets hostile, consider this playing out for the worse in a longer term, more committed relationship. He may not be able to communicate openly and honestly. Also, don't assume the worst in your partner; he may geniunely think he's been helpful and shared the burden. 

make sure you've given careful thought to what you want and need. Open and honest communication is a two-way street, and you shouldn't be making a request if it's not what you really want. In a healthy relationship, both parties should be respecting eachother, and don't make demands just to see the other person jump. 

If you make a request, and he does it (or tries to) and you find yourself still unhappy with him, or demanding more, maybe he's not the problem?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for 4-5months, we are in our early 30s, no kids. He leaves with his parents due to recently moving to this city, and only getting a consulting non permanent job. He recently got hired as a full time permanent position but doesn’t start for a month. So he always sleeps over at my place, I would say 5-7x a week. I’m the beginning, I treated him like my guest... cooking for him, cleaning up, normal nice stuff. Now he is not a guest and I feel like we have for Into this habit of me still treating him as a guest if that makes sense. I go grocery shopping, I cook for myself but cook extra Bc I know he will be hungry. I always clean and do everything around the house, he usually picks up after himself but often forgets. He drinks a lot of the alcohol that I buy.... but he has bought a bottle of wine here and there.
> So I guess I’m kind of annoyed. After a long day of work, sometimes I like to make myself a quick sandwich when I get home and I’m done... he will come over hours later and be like I’m hungry. And I am to the point where I am well Grubhub something or go cook something. It he usually just orders food.
> Am I spoiling him to much? Shouldn’t he step up and like help out more? I really don’t want to have to have the conversation, I’m hoping he will get the hint when I stop doing things for him that I think he should be doing.


You need to tell him how you feel.

He might not want to do stuff as he might feel awkward that it's not his home. So, invite him to help you cook meals together.

If he doesn't get it, a reevaluation of your relationship might be in order.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Getting you to prepare lamb for him and then blowing you off sticks in my craw.

That combined with other attitudes are what make me not impressed with him.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think the bigger question is do you want this boyfriend of just a few months LIVING with you? Do you want a family some day? 
I lived with my x husband in my 30's before we got married and I really regret it today because living together is not the commitment of marriage but it still ties you down where you can't shop around. It's an idea situation for a man who just wants a honey handy, but not so smart for a woman if she wants to plan a future with someone.

Back to your original question - I think you really need to talk to him about it. And say things like:
"Can you replenish the booze supply?" or "I spent $xxx on groceries, can you pitch in half? Just have the attitude that you expect him to pay his way and obviously he wants to.

His current behavior is a red flag that he's willing to let you provide what sounds like more than half the supplies plus a place to sleep almost every night. I assume he's not paying any rent to you. I think most people would be tripping over themselves to help out financially in his situation. It concerns me that it is not his instinct to offer more than the occasional bottle of wine.





Girl_power said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for 4-5months, we are in our early 30s, no kids. He leaves with his parents due to recently moving to this city, and only getting a consulting non permanent job. He recently got hired as a full time permanent position but doesn’t start for a month. So he always sleeps over at my place, I would say 5-7x a week. I’m the beginning, I treated him like my guest... cooking for him, cleaning up, normal nice stuff. Now he is not a guest and I feel like we have for Into this habit of me still treating him as a guest if that makes sense. I go grocery shopping, I cook for myself but cook extra Bc I know he will be hungry. I always clean and do everything around the house, he usually picks up after himself but often forgets. He drinks a lot of the alcohol that I buy.... but he has bought a bottle of wine here and there.
> So I guess I’m kind of annoyed. After a long day of work, sometimes I like to make myself a quick sandwich when I get home and I’m done... he will come over hours later and be like I’m hungry. And I am to the point where I am well Grubhub something or go cook something. It he usually just orders food.
> Am I spoiling him to much? Shouldn’t he step up and like help out more? I really don’t want to have to have the conversation, I’m hoping he will get the hint when I stop doing things for him that I think he should be doing.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> It’s just annoying! Now I have to dial it back a little and make sure he is treating me as good as I’m treating him. I don’t understand why people can just spoil the one they are with in a relationship.


When you're with the right person you can. The nicer you are to them, the nicer they are to you. But this needs to come over time and 4 - 5 months is not that long.

There is a real psychology to people appreciating what they have earned, and devaluing what comes to easily. I think you need to be a little more self-centered for awhile. Let him worry about whether or not he's making you happy. Let him know you like his company but you already have a life and you aren't looking to change certain parts of it.

If he really cares about you he will step up. If he bails because of it, you dodged a bullet because you already know you don't want to be in a relationship with this dynamic.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Seems to me like he doesn't recognize normal relationship reciprocation. How would he act if you 'forgot' he was taking you to a special dinner? If he were ill, tired, sad, would he expect extra attention?

Don't expect each other to read minds. Y'all both should do some reading: 'His Needs, Her Needs'-- and figure out what each of your Love Languages are (Dr. Chapman).


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> Yea I am upset about the dinner thing, and I think I am extra sensitive about it Bc I’m crabby Bc my neck hurts if that makes sense.
> 
> It’s annoying that I have to spell everything out to him. And I’m too upset that I really don’t want to do that right now. I’m too tired to explain to someone normal nice behavior.


This is how it will always be with him. Think long and hard about what you want in a relationship.

I can't stress this enough, and I know it won't make a bit of difference anyway, yet I will try. THIS IS WHO HE IS. He will never change. You will step up to fill the role of caretaker. Do you know why? Because HE WILL NOT. There's a void, you will have to fill it, because **** needs to be done, so you won't have a choice. 

Years down the track you will be sick of being a mother to your boyfriend/husband. Years down the track you will see how other men are INTERESTED in their GFs/wives and you'll wonder why you don't have that. It's because right now you are choosing someone who doesn't step up and someone who doesn't care about how your day went or how you feel.

If I were you, I'd start a journal and make a note of the times he shows any interest in you and your daily interactions. Go back in a few months and ask yourself if this person is genuinely in love with you, or just in love with an idea of you.

Oh, and BEWARE the man who never apologises. It's a massive red flag. Nothing is ever their fault in their mind. Life with such a person... I can't even begin to tell you... just trust me, it's bad.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I just want to correct some things... he does work. He moved here in December and only was offered a consulting job (full time, but not permanent). He is still doing this consulting job, but that’s why he moves in with his parents Bc he didn’t have a permanent job. He recently got offered and accepted a permanent job making $85k, he starts that in 3weeks.
> 
> I don’t know if he expects me to take care of him, but I’m defense of him I stepped into that role of taking care of him.
> 
> Yes I do agree that my anger and resentment is getting worse. But again I haven’t had a conversation with him about it so it’s my fault.


It's "your fault" in the sense that you've let things evolve this way, but you're thinking about it and asking questions. I love that there are forum's like this where you can get some outside perspective. 

One thing I've learned (very late in my case) it that it's necessary to complain in a healthy relationship. As you can see, if you don't -- you become very resentful. And your partner never has a chance to make things better. It's a matter of how you complain, and how you react to your partner's complaints.

Good complaint:
Can we come up with a plan in advance on how to handle dinner? And how we pay for the groceries? I feel really frustrated when you ask me what's for dinner after I've already eaten and am now focused on something else.

Bad Complaint:
GOD! You never think about what you're going to eat until the last minute and then you turn to me like it's my job to feed you. Isn't it enough that I'm basically putting a roof over your head, buying most of the groceries and alcohol? I need to stop what I'm doing and feed you? Can't you just feed yourself like I do? Why do you wait so long to think about food? You've been alive 30 years, you should know you'll be hungry in the evening by now...

ALSO - 
Not sure if this has been mentioned, but you might head some of this off by telling him "You're on your own for dinner tonight, I'm just going to grab a quick sandwich when I get home."


Someone recommended the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley, another really good one by the same author is Love Busters. It identifies behaviors and habits people do that are instinctual but ruin love.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> So this morning (Sunday) he said something to me like “oh I can make breakfast.”. He knows I don’t eat breakfast, and I usually make him eggs. So I responded with... yes you can make breakfast, as an adult you can cook for yourself, and clean up after yourself and take care of yourself. Yes babe, you can cook breakfast. Haha I get that was a tad *****y but I got my point acrossed. In the end.... he cooked for himself, and clean everything up and put it away . I small step for me.


Why is it people would rather be snarky and passive aggressive than just sit down and TALK about issues like grownups???


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Why is it people would rather be snarky and passive aggressive than just sit down and TALK about issues like grownups???




I don’t know. It was easy in the moment to make a sarcastic passive aggressive comment that got my point across rather than sit an adult down and lecture him on how to be an adult.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t know. It was easy in the moment to make a sarcastic passive aggressive comment that got my point across rather than sit an adult down and lecture him on how to be an adult.


Of course, we all know there is a difference between communicating like adults and lecturing someone.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

If you are having these issues with him now do you think it will get better as time goes on? I think not....Heck, you are in your supposed honeymoon phase and you are already on this forum asking for help? Pull the plug and flush this turd while you have the chance.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Why is it people would rather be snarky and passive aggressive than just sit down and TALK about issues like grownups???


Probably for the same reason you used the passive form "Why is it *people*" rather than the more direct "Why is it *you*". It would be nice if we could be more direct, but often that comes with a lot of backlash. People don't like to be directly accused and they may strike back and get defensive. By being more passive, it allows a more gentle way to get the point across. You can always amp it more and be more direct if being subtle isn't working out.


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