# Husband different now that we're married



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

My husband and I are middle aged, married for just over a year.

I love him. He's amazing to me, we married, no pressure from me, I was content being together. One reason to get married is because it was important to him (he's catholic) we did. We had a small ceremony, it was sweet.

But I'm here now because I don't understand what has changed. We get along really well for a time (few weeks) and then he lapses into a moody state that I have never seen...his bad mood can go on for weeks.

We dated for 4 years and I never saw this side of him. We didn't live together because our jobs were in different cities. I am starting to wonder if that was a big mistake. 

Its awful, I have tried everything I can think of to either make things better, give him space, talk about whatever IT is....

Its getting to the point that I am on eggshells around him. Its starting to scare me, he is now starting to pick at me, nothing really bad but he blames me for things I haven't done or really minor things. Silly things, I don't really think these items are important to him at all.

He eventually comes around and then blames me because as he says "I'm not smiling" or "I'm in a bad mood". He says its me and its true, I am more quiet, but like today, yesterday we had a fun day, laughing before bed. I came down this morning and he was stone faced, got up and walked out telling me "he'll be home by dark". 

We were suppose to spend the day together . Tonight he said he was upset with me because I didn't say good morning to him.

Actually, I did, and I asked him if he wanted coffee and what he would like for breakfast. But he was already mad at me, already refusing to speak to me. I woke up feeling great this morning, we had a fun day planned. :scratchhead::scratchhead:

I quit my job to move here with him, I joined him in his home city, I am too new here to have friends. I was so excited about this move, its not bad here but I feel so alone with him now. I don't understand what is happening to our relationship. He won't explain what is going on and as the months go by, his moodiness isn't getting better. I have met his friends, his coworkers, etc. they all seem to like me. He acts so nice in front of them, we had several dinners lately and he is his old self when we're out but after we're home he lapses into his "mood". Its startling.

I have asked him to be less harsh with me, and to please stop "grilling me". Tonight, as he is still in a bad mood, he had a mild cold, I offered him sinus meds and went and got him some, he then accused me of trying to get him to take a "double dose" -(its just a sudafed, it comes as a 2 cap dose) I handed it to him in the package! Then he started grilling me on whether or not I am giving him something that will only "work on his symptoms or is it a cure". He was furious and demanding I tell him which one it was. 

I was so stunned I almost couldn't talk.

I have tried to get him to talk about how we can communicate better, etc. Mostly he refuses to discuss it, last time I got him to set with me, he turned into him telling me what was wrong with me, he now says I'm pessimistic, immature, overly sensitive, etc. 

He used to tell me he loved how much of a "glass half full person" I was. He says now he thinks I'm "pessimistic". I admit I'm not as up beat but I'm getting exhausted riding his emotional roller coaster. Its probably true, I am not acting "as happy". But his moods, they make me sick to my stomach, this should be such a happy time for us. I just don't know what to do anymore, this whole thing feels crazy.

Thanks for listening, Leah


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Is he struggling with any problems? 

Is he struggling with depression? 

Apparently he pretended to be somebody else before you got married, or you guys were just too happy to notice it? 

He says that you are pessimistic, is that true? 

But if he is so moody, how can you be happy? 

Happiness needs two people to work together? Is he willing to sit down and discuss what is bothering him? Will you pay attention to him and both of you work on your problems together? 

Getting used to a new place is not easy, is it affecting your life also?


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't know what this man's problem is. Could be something physical, could be something emotional. He doesn't sound like the type of man that would go to the doctor or therapist. And without some help, he's not going to get any better. YOU can't fix him.
Something I found curious though...you said he controls himself when you're out with other people. That suggests to me that he's making a conscious CHOICE to be mean. It could be that since y'all didn't live together before marriage that made it easier for him to maintain the facade? That this is who he really is? 
I would read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. For starters.
I'm sorry that your marriage is turning out this way. I know you didn't see this one coming.


----------



## kweckduck (Jan 11, 2011)

I'd suggest you try and find a job. Become more independent again. Find some friends of your own. Hang out with them etc. 

Having been in a relationship where my partner didnt have any hobbies and I needed to provide all the "entertainment", it might be that he is feeling the pressure of providing for you both. Maybe not so much financially perhaps, but more generally. 

If after a while the situation doesn't change, how about living apart again?

In any case, if the worst comes to pass you are in a far better situation to handle it.


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Leah,

Your story sounds very similar to mine. As major misfit suggested please read the Lundy Bancroft book. It could be he is starting to be abusive. Bad moods, silent treatment, everything is your fault, isolation, one person outside and another type of person at home, and walking on eggshells.

Take care.


----------



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

He is not struggling with any issues that I am aware of. Outside of our "us" we are great. I feel very lucky. He has a great job, we are healthy, financially good, retirement plans are looking good, etc.

I have not burdened him with my need for friends or staying busy (I am the outgoing one), its lonely for now but I am sure that will change given enough time. When his coworkers ask how I'm doing, he is usually the first to tell them how well I am doing! 

However, I can get more involved and am making plans, I think it would be good for me.

I gave up my job etc willingly, that was our plan and I'm ok with that, its this other stuff, his moodiness, etc.

Another sore spot is recently he is really getting pushy about a financial matter in which he needs my signature for (last thing that is truly "mine"). I have been comfortable sharing with him to date and I wouldn't think much of it but with his behavior lately... 

What he wants to do offers little if any advantage and it is not something we "need" to do at all. He just recently decided "we should" and it feels like he is giving me sales pitches. It is also something I would NOT do if I was still single. I told him I would like things to settle down between us before making important decisions. 

I told him no again yesterday and he got upset but then surprised me by then agreeing to set down & talk. 

We did - it seems like progress. Since then he is amazing, totally nice, laughing, even telling me I look great this morning... I'm happy with his change of mood but rather surprised. He has been cranky since...thanksgiving? 

Nearly instantly he's a new man? He/we agreed on 2 things to "do" that would help me (aka. talk more respectfully to me) I asked him what I could do and he was very nice and said I don't need to do anything.

Huh? Again, I can't help but wonder considering his "complaints" lately. He also said he was never/has never been angry with me. I don't know what to make of that, it is true he does not yell or use cuss words but every fiber of his being looks furious at times. Stone faced, won't look at me, curt comments, etc kind of stuff. I tried to explain what I am reacting to but he insists he isn't/wasn't mad..."just disappointed". I am trying to understand his perspective but I'm perplexed.

Now I feel like the "bad wife", I can't help but wonder if his sudden change of heart has to do with the fact he can't do what he wants to do without my signature.

The term "controlling" has crossed my mind, and while not really bad, I am still a bit shocked by the negative things he has said and his treatment of me. I appreciate your comments, it makes me ill to think he may have those tendencies, and if so, how in the world did I not see it sooner??? I guess I'm mad at myself too, and I'm struggling with what it is I am "seeing" in him.

I appreciate your thoughts, Leah

ps. I'll check out that book, thank you.


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Leah,

Please be careful. He is being nice because he wants your signature. He needs to be "normal" for months before you even contemplate giving him what he wants. If your gut instinct is telling you "no" then don't betray your own instinct - it's usually right. 

I'm assuming by giving him this signature, you will be financially or some other way tied to him. Should anything happen, you won't be able to leave him because of what he has or you have invested.

When I was in my relationship, I had no idea my husband was being controlling and manipulative - in other words abusive. He had logical reasons for everything, and he seemed right, but then why did I feel bad? It's because deep down I knew it wasn't right. For example, he deserted me late in town on the way home, and he said was I scared, because I used to come home late from night's out on my own when I was single. So yes he was right, I did used to make that trip on my own, no I wasn't scared, but I expected my husband to walk home with me when we both went out together.

Please, please do not give him your signature. Please read the book, and you will see signs of a controlling person, which is not just violent, but things like the deserting is a tactic they use.


----------



## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

It does sound very suspect. Now that he knows you're tied to him in marriage, he suddenly changes. These are traits of an abuser. Silent treatment and eggshells is how it starts. You are both middle aged you said. Has he been married before and do you know how/why that ended? It might just stick to emotional and verbal abuse but please be careful and read up on abusive/controlling men. It's good you're spotting these signs anyway. Just make sure you have friends and family to talk to. If he is a good man he will listen and work on his behaviour issues with you, but you first need to be aware what it is you might be dealing with.


----------



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

In all fairness I cannot cast him as abusive at this stage. However, I also cannot explain his behavior - mostly the duration of it and the sudden change on way or the other.

fyi - I am not signing anything, it doesn't make sense to sign and his pushiness gives me pause. 

He was married, it wasn't good but he said she was bipolar. To his credit he gave her alimony even though he didn't have to (I asked to see the papers myself a few years ago). In that sense I thought he was very nice and loyal, paid for her medical etc when he didn't have to.

HM3 - you say your husband just deserted you while walking? 

It strikes me in that you said he was so "logical" and yet you felt bad. That is how I have been feeling. I even checked my hormones to see if it was maybe "me" (I'm fine

My husband is type A and very logical which is fine, I knew that about him. But not long ago I had a career spanning decades and recently I found myself standing in front of my husband and being grilled over a software program we use together. Everything is fine but I mentioned I thought I found a glitch and he berated me over how it is not the software, it is me and I need to stop making excuses in life, start learning to apologize, etc etc.

Huh? I made a simple comment about nothing really and now "I'm making excuses in life?" 

It felt like a bad after school special. I had to bite my tongue this morning as he (still in a good mood) showed me that he found a software error. sigh. the one I mentioned. He didn't apologize for the other night though. 

I don't like the title of that book but I plan on reading it.

Thanks for sharing/advice, I feel more sure footed right now. I've been trying so hard to get along and play the good wife but I have a plan for now, wait and see, get out more and do a little reading.

Thanks, Leah


----------



## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I just re-read your initial post. The part about his calling you 'pessimistic' etc despite the fact that he was always attracted to your "glass half full" nature...part of emotional abuse is transferance. The abuser will lash out verbally and say things that pertain directly to themselves; they will transfer their character defects onto you. Sorry to say it but the snapping and the moodiness are classic signs. Perhaps he picked up these things in his former marriage. But yes, read up. At the very least it will show you you're not in fact going crazy and what you're feeling is real. Emotional abuse is disorientating, but when you understand it you have a good chance of not letting it chip away at you. 

Sorry you're having these problems, but hopefully you'll be able to work through them in your marriage.


----------



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

has anything happened in his life recently that might cause more stress? I know that after my husband's grandparents died he never really dealt with it. so months later he became more and more moody and I felt as if I was walking on egg shells. Could something be stressing him out at work. Sometimes men feel like they have to be the strong one and don't want to tell you what's really bothering them. Then because they can't really get away with acting this way around others they take it out on you. Definitely the WRONG thing to do but it happens. I would suggest trying to tell him how it makes you feel as far as walking on eggshells and suggest counseling for you both. If he cares about the relationship and making you happy he will respond. If not then it seems like things may only get worse and then you might need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.


----------



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Loren - you make an interesting point. It has already occured to me that he accusing me of HIS moods. 

I do not think he has external stressors. I excused his behavior at first because I assumed it was because of work, some long hours etc. Then I thought well, maybe he is a little moody but its been on and off for a year now. Sometimes all is great, and bam - its awful, and it comes out of nowhere. I'm not saying I'm perfect but there is no "event" before his mood change. 

This started about 5 months into marriage, we had a terrible argument that went on for 2 months - this is when I first really saw this behavior. It stopped after a very serious talk and I thought that was "it". 

Sigh. Now he's acting wonderful but the speed of his turn around strikes me weird too! I have a laugh a little, he can't win with me right now - he's acting nicer and I am still complaining (so to speak

I decided it would be nice to head "home" and visit a friend in a few weeks. Its strange but I have some nervousness as to how he will respond. 

I guess all I can do for now is move forward and hope this is a bump in our marriage road.

Thanks for listening. Leah


----------

