# Wanting what we can't have



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm so sick of regressing and wanting my stbxw back when she has made it clear she doesn't love me anymore as a wife should. We were together for 11 years, married for 9 years. We have two beautiful children. Just when I think I've gotten past the point of not wanting her anymore, we end up talking and I find myself trying to convince her that we can work on it again. She cries and tells me she is sorry for hurting me, she will always love me, but she says the love is not what it needs to be anymore. I think I'm just so afraid of not finding love again in the future that I'm trying to hold onto something that is not there anymore. I want someone to love me 100%, but I'm so afraid of moving forward.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> end up talking and I find myself trying to convince her that we can work on it again. She cries and tells me she is sorry for hurting me, she will always love me, but she says the love is not what it needs to be anymore.



You really NEED TO STOP doing this. This is why you must go NO CONTACT WITH HER (except re: co-parenting and divorce issues). She has told you repeatedly she doesn't want to be with you and/or be married to you and you BEGGING her and trying to "convince" her to stay with you is making you look very unattractive/desperate/crazy in her eyes. 

Imagine you dumped someone. And they continued to call you to try to explain all the reasons why you shouldn't dump them and try to remain together and keep trying to convince you that your feelings about dumping them are wrong, about how they know better than you know and how their feelings are wrong.

It would seriously turn you off. In fact, it'd reinforce in your mind HOW MUCH you do NOT want to be with this person. Ew. It's unattractive as hell.

STOP calling her and talking to her. You MUST. To protect yourself. And by the way, you will NEVER move forward as long as you stay stuck. It takes some people a longer time to get over this type of thing and there is nothing wrong with that. But I can assure you: the longer you stay in touch with her about things unrelated to your kids or the divorce, the bigger the hole you dig in Stuckville. Limbo Land is the WORST place to live, especially when for the other person, it's already over.

Accept reality, even if it' snot what you want. She is done. She is long long gone. LET HER GO. Everytime you think about what you want with her, remember you just found dude's truck in the driveway and he just spent the night at the marital home the other night and she fed you some bullsh!t excuse.

Time for 2x4 slap to you face: SHE IS DONE WITH YOU. She does not want to be with you.

Read that and re-read it as many times as you need to until it sticks. The longer you keep denying the truth for what it is (the fact she wants to divorce you/doesn't want to be with you anymore), the LONGER you are going to be stuck.

It's hard as hell to get over someone you still love, especially when you were the one who was dumped but one day, trust me, one day you are going to look back and think, WHY THE F did I ever even want to be with So & So? Ew.

Get out. Call friends, see family members, exercise, take up a new hobby, buy a new shirt/cologne/underwear, and smile at a pretty lady.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good advice, Jelly. Proud: Instead of living in your head, take action to move toward your new life. Do something. Stop obsessing and driving yourself insane. Don't listen to that crazy-making voice inside that says you will never find someone else. You have given your STBXW too much power over you.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Implement the 180. Read it over every time you are going to visit your wife. 

Don't try to convince her to get back together. All it is doing is pushing her away. Keep that in mind next time you even have that temptation.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jelly,
You are so right, I can feel my mom saying the same thing to me as well. I just have to accept that we were together for 11 years, 10 of them amazing. I have two great children out of the marriage. Did I experience some great memories with her? Yes, of course and they will always be there. 

I guess the worse feeling about this is the feeling of not being fought for. She said she internally fought for me, but I didn't get to hear or see any of this. It just feels like I was so ready and willing to fight for her, and I did. But she just gave me up. Even if she says she didn't otherwise, how can I believe what she says?

I also have a lack of confidence issue with women. I was with my stbxw for 11 years. She accepted all my faults, I didn't have to worry about how she felt when I was naked with her.

I'm just so afraid of the future, of finding another woman. The lonliness just kills me. The feeling of rejection, of how she can just set me aside.

I'm just trying to cope with it all


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Jelly,
> You are so right, I can feel my mom saying the same thing to me as well.


Momma knows best 

Look, it's normal to feel insecure about a new relationship, being naked with someone, wondering if you will meet someone or not, especially after a divorce.

The thing is: imagine the worst case scenario: that you never have a new relationship, never get naked with someone else, and don't meet anyone. Accept that as a truth and realize you can STILL be happy on your own.

If you happen to have a relationship, get nekkid and meet someone, then cool. If you don't, no worries because guess what, no matter what: life does go on and we all have to make out happiness.

You will be FINE.

And no, I am not saying you won't ever meet someone again, casue the likelihood is you will, but I always think it's a good idea to imagine the WORST possible case scenario and accept it as a possiblity and accept that you can deal with it no matter what.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It's hard, but you just have to make yourself do it. When I met my husband, he was skinny, and his voice is rather high-pitched. I can't tell you how beautiful that voice sounds to me. You have to make a leap of faith to believe in yourself.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

That is what is tough because this whole thing has made me feel so worthless, that I wasn't worth fighting for. But like Jelly has said, this was her character flaw, her feeling she was missing something. I'm still good enough for her, good enough for anyone. She came into my life by chance, and I have to imagine someone else will too. I need to rid myself of the toxic people. I'm deserve better than someone having to pretend that they love me. It's so tough because growing up I always wanted to be married and a father. I'm still a father. I loved being married to her, except the last year. I look back and found that I basically changed myself to just get scraps of attention and affection from her. I tied my emotional happiness into her. With all the women in the world, I have to hope and believe there are more people out there that will find me truly amazing. Tough because the mind can say this but the heart has to catch up.


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## kenn (Dec 20, 2011)

Proudwidaddy--I feel your pain aw so much. God you sound like me, especially after today when my stbxw told me that if I have anything to say, write down and mail it to her and she would foward it to her attorney. I had been holding out on hope after more hope. I didn't want my second marriage to end and still don't, but it sounds like that is what is going to happen. My pastor asked me this question and I found my answer "Are you in love with the idea of being in love, or are you in love"?
It helped me some and may help you. I'm reading John Gray's "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus--Starting Over" It really helped me through my 1st divorce and I'm reading it again. This divorce is alot harder than the first. I was married for 23 years with the first wife and 3 kids, and the 2nd wife married like you for 9 years but together for 11 years, but no kids. Don't know why????


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jellybeans - thanks for the 2nd post. I needed to hear that too. My wife it moving to her apartment tomorrow and I have been having a very hard time. Wasting too much energy on someone who is clearly done with me and our marriage. Much appreciated!

Best wishes to you proudwidaddy - I am going through backslides as well. Time we both pull up our socks and move forward.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

I am struggling with this sooo much myself. She left after a long fight and I can't stop regretting everything I did. Wishing I could change the past. Feeling fearful, anxious and desperate over the divorce. I am struggling too because she has gone no contact. She filed for divorce and goes not contact. Even if she doesn't want to be together at least she could talk about some of the divorce issues to get them sorted out. We don't have kids but all the other bills, credit cards, etc. etc. need to be sorted out. So she doesn't answer, emails, texts, calls. Even just to day, "hey stop trying to contact me". I don't understand. And that deepens my pain even more. I am afraid of starting a new future. Afraid of selling the house and trying to find a new one. Afraid I will never find anyone as kind, loving and incredible as her. Afraid that no woman will want me with my divorce and other baggage. I never realized how amazing she was until she left. I struggle with that agony every minute. I am overcome with shame, fear, guilt, longing and pain. I want her back. I want our marriage back. I want it all back and know it can't be that way. I hate this feeling. I am trying the 180 and.... I just am struggling.

I know I need to concentrate on getting me healthy and getting over the pain. But then my mind wanders to her and the past. The sex, the travels, the amazing memories. And how/why I ****ed it all up. Then the fear starts rolling in about never finding anyone. Fuuuuuuck!


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