# What does being cheated on, do to ones psyche?



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I'm asking because my H's ex cheated on him SO many times during their marriage and it shocks me that he has no hard feelings, hate towards her. He was even forgiving every time while they were married. He says he accepted it because he didn't want to break up their family. He was staying in it for the kids. 

She was the one who finally just up and ended it all. Yes, he was upset when she did that and broke up the family but it amazes me that he just seems okay with it. 

He and I have been together now for four years and married since August 2015. We've touched briefly on many occasions about it but he never has a bad word to say about it. And as I have said in another post, there's a possibility that his son, may not even be his. 

So, I wonder what being cheated on does to ones psyche. I'm sure it affects everyone differently. I often find myself thinking about H's previous marriage and wonder what it's done to him and why he's so mellow and relaxed about things.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> I'm asking because my H's ex cheated on him SO many times during their marriage and it shocks me that he has no hard feelings, hate towards her. He was even forgiving every time while they were married. He says he accepted it because he didn't want to break up their family. He was staying in it for the kids.
> 
> She was the one who finally just up and ended it all. Yes, he was upset when she did that and broke up the family but it amazes me that he just seems okay with it.
> 
> ...



She may have crushed his self esteem so badly that he has none left.

Also, some men are very strong in some areas but not in others. This may be his one area of weakness. 

It is my area of strength. I would have divorced early and hammered her in court.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LadybugMomma said:


> I'm asking because my H's ex cheated on him SO many times during their marriage and it shocks me that he has no hard feelings, hate towards her. He was even forgiving every time while they were married. He says he accepted it because he didn't want to break up their family. He was staying in it for the kids.
> 
> She was the one who finally just up and ended it all. Yes, he was upset when she did that and broke up the family but it amazes me that he just seems okay with it.
> 
> ...



I have a sister that is very forgiving like your husband. 

We are sisters and we react very differently. her two daughters are like us too. One is very forgiving like her momma and the other one is just like me. 


Just depends on the individual and what each individual can accept or not.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> I'm asking because my H's ex cheated on him SO many times during their marriage and it shocks me that he has no hard feelings, hate towards her. He was even forgiving every time while they were married. He says he accepted it because he didn't want to break up their family. He was staying in it for the kids.
> 
> She was the one who finally just up and ended it all. Yes, he was upset when she did that and broke up the family but it amazes me that he just seems okay with it.
> 
> ...


It could be because he quit having feelings for her. If you are in it for your family and don't have feelings for somebody then it's easy to compartmentalize certain things. Remember, anger is not the opposite of love, indifference is.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

niceguy28 said:


> It could be because he quit having feelings for her. If you are in it for your family and don't have feelings for somebody then it's easy to compartmentalize certain things. Remember, anger is not the opposite of love, indifference is.


This pretty much sums it up for me. I had no feelings for my ex-wife when I found out she was cheating on me, and I have no hard feelings towards her even now. I really have no feelings for her what so ever. The only thing the cheating did was give me the final reason to divorce her. Honestly, my current wife has more feelings regarding my ex-wife than I have had over the past 15 years.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I became an uncaring, apathetic person. 

I have trouble opening up to others (not just women, includes my friends), inability to have a relationship with women or even trust them (though being cheated on by an earlier gf, and being an illegitimate child might also have influenced this), difficulty with sympathizing with others, general distrust of others, I've even found glee in hurting people (usually those who hurt me, so it's karma), a much darker sense of humor, and only recently I've had trouble feeling any level of...connection/emotion with any women I am sleeping with, I find it entertaining to watch people crash/ruin their life, and likely a list of more undesirable traits.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He sounds like a very mature person. His kids are lucky to have such a good role model for a father.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Broken at 20 said:


> I became an uncaring, apathetic person.
> 
> I have trouble opening up to others (not just women, includes my friends), inability to have a relationship with women or even trust them (though being cheated on by an earlier gf, and being an illegitimate child might also have influenced this), difficulty with sympathizing with others, general distrust of others, I've even found glee in hurting people (usually those who hurt me, so it's karma), a much darker sense of humor, and only recently I've had trouble feeling any level of...connection/emotion with any women I am sleeping with, I find it entertaining to watch people crash/ruin their life, and likely a list of more undesirable traits.


I appreciate the honesty in this post... with so many hurting , acting out.. will we ever learn how deep , how wide, earth shattering Devastating it can be to LIE, cheat & betray someone who trusts us... 

How such betrayal can take a decent human being who once wanted to love & give & break him down to where he has no use for any emotions anymore.. they have only served more pain... so one goes completely the other way.. a hint of vulnerability would be like betraying yourself... 

I've witnessed the fall out of betrayal to one of our sons.. he doesn't trust women like he used to... I think before the fall, he thought so highly of his GF.. only to learn she was a LIAR to his face.. also on Facebook to how she went on & on how happy she was , like the stars moon & sun shined on him... Even I learned .. "WOW.. is this what people are talking about on FB, teenagers & all their bragging about relationships".. yeah that EX - she really played it up good... What a Joke on all of us.. people are so Fcking fake sometimes.. 

I have taken a hit on trusting people myself seeing what happened to him...

Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD) | Sex and Intimacy, just the start of this article..



> For most people affected by serial sexual or romantic infidelity of a spouse, it’s not so much the extramarital sex or affair itself that causes the deepest pain. *What hurts committed partners the most is that their trust and belief in the person closest to them has been shattered.* For a healthy, attached, primary partner, the experience of profound and/or unexpected betrayal can be incredibly traumatic. One 2006 study of women who had unexpectedly learned of a loved one’s infidelity reported such women experience acute stress symptoms similar to and characteristic of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)....


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jld said:


> He sounds like a very mature person. His kids are lucky to have such a good role model for a father.


Mature people don't accept infidelity. Mature people crush infidelity and make sure that people live up to their obligations, commitments and vows. Her husband got walked on and pretty much said "Thank you, may I have another? " There is an issue here. Major co-dependency, perhaps major self esteem issues or as others said maybe he just didn't care anymore .... But to call his behavior mature is complete crazy


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I appreciate the honesty in this post... with so many hurting , acting out.. will be ever learn how deep , how wide, earth shattering Devastating it can be to LIE, cheat & betray someone who trusts us...
> 
> How such betrayal can take a decent human being who once wanted to love & give & break him down to where he has no use for any emotions anymore.. they have only served more pain... so one goes completely the other way.. a hint of vulnerability would be like betraying yourself...
> 
> ...



I agree, Simply. I am sorry about what happened to your son. This infidelity garbage shouldn't be tolerated by anyone.

Trust is hard nowadays. Very hard. 

I do think that OP needs to know why H tolerated the abuse he got and if there is an issue there, for both is safety and hers


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I can see this being a weak area for him and it all having crushed his self esteem. It just makes me wonder why he felt the need to tolerate it, if even just for the kids. To me that's not a valid reason to be treated so badly.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

He has told me before that there is nothing there, that (thankfully, since he's married to me now) there are no feelings whatsoever. So maybe that's it as well. It's hard for me to understand and comprehend though.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

He is an incredible father and an equally incredible role model to my children. I understand that he could be hurting or have bad feelings towards her but chooses to not talk about or vent about them, which in the grand scheme of things, would change nothing. I wonder though, why he dealt with such horrid treatment. Having caught her multiple times, knowing that his son may not be his and STILL wanting to stay in the marriage.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I can see this too, with my H. He perhaps feels too embarrassed having been played by the one he felt he could and should trust 100%. He trusts me wholeheartedly! Never questions anything that I do, where I go or anything. I also give him no reason to not trust me and we've had the talk many times about how if I ever start to become unhappy etc, he will be the first to know. 

He's SO trusting, that it makes me wonder if his self esteem is so beaten down and he's so eager to be loved or just be with someone, that if I were a different person who cheated etc, would he still stay, like he did with his ex?


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

LadybugMomma said:


> He is an incredible father and an equally incredible role model to my children. I understand that he could be hurting or have bad feelings towards her but chooses to not talk about or vent about them, which in the grand scheme of things, would change nothing. I wonder though, why he dealt with such horrid treatment. Having caught her multiple times, knowing that his son may not be his and STILL wanting to stay in the marriage.


I'm with others who've said he could do this because he no longer had any feelings for her - he had disconnected and detached from her to the point that he saw her as just a roommate, perhaps. I also suspect he may be a bit of a masochist - he just accepted her horrid treatment because he thought it was what he deserved.

My ex-husband cheated on me physically with one woman that I know of (I strongly suspect he did with at least two others, but I only caught him at it with the third one). This was after 25 years of marriage and a 13-year-old son. He left me for her. He lied to me and everyone else about it, and would be continuing to lie about it to this day if I hadn't caught him and exposed it. (He still would have left me for her, but was planning to frame it as leaving so he could find someone else, then that he found her after he left, when he actually was having the affair for at least six months before I found out about it.)

What did it do to my psyche? Because I still loved him when I found out, my psyche was devastated. It was the worst thing I've ever been through, and I've lost both my parents and a stepparent. The lying and betrayal of my trust hurt me more than the thought of him actually having sex with another woman, though that hurt tremendously, too. It's the loss of trust that stays with me now. I no longer trust anyone with anything, and I had previously been the kind of person who gives strangers the benefit of the doubt. Now, any new person in my life in any way, shape or form is immediately distrusted until proven trustworthy. They must earn it. And they must work very hard to do that.

I haven't dated since our divorce was final last July. I may never date again. I see every man now as a potential cheater. My trust in my husband had been iron-clad. He's a pilot, and many times over the years, friends would ask if it's hard to trust someone who travels so much for a living not to stray. I would say not at all, because he's not a good liar and too moral to cheat - I'd say, "He's basically Captain America."

So, not only have I lost the ability to trust - I feel like a fool for being played by him like I was, and for so long. And I don't just think any potential mate I might have is probably a cheater - I think all married men are cheaters. A friend asked me recently if I thought her husband might be cheating. She described a few suspicious behaviors. Two years ago, I'd have told her it can't be possible - he's so trustworthy and moral. When she asked a week ago, I said, "I'm sorry, but it sounds like he is."

If my ex hadn't left me for the OW and wanted to reconcile, I wouldn't have been able to do it, even though I didn't want my family to be blown up by his nonsense. Once I learned that he had lied to me, and repeatedly, as well as lied to everyone else about our marriage and the cause of its demise, no amount of begging or pleading would have changed my mind - the damage was done. I don't know if that damage can ever be fully repaired, even if I live another 50 years.


----------



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

There are a lot of guys out there with a hot wife complex, they get off on knowing their wife is out there messing around with other guys. Maybe deep down inside its his kink but he doesn't want to admit it, to himself or others.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> Mature people don't accept infidelity. Mature people crush infidelity and make sure that people live up to their obligations, commitments and vows. Her husband got walked on and pretty much said "Thank you, may I have another? " * There is an issue here. Major co-dependency, perhaps major self esteem issues or as others said maybe he just didn't care anymore *.... But to call his behavior mature is complete crazy


THIS!!! I'm a pretty in tune person. I have lived and most importantly LEARNED from what I've lived in my 44 years. I sense things and have quite a keen ability to pick up vibes/read people. I sense that there is SO much more going on with him that I don't know about. This man is incredible. Kind, caring, attentive to my needs, wants, desires, he's hard working, a great provider and so much more. I sense though that there are deeper issues going on in him that he's not willing to talk about. We have been gone to MC and IC. The woman we saw was fantastic. She saw us for a few months and gave us tips and pointers to smooth out the rough waters we were in and sent us on our way. She did say that she felt he had some insecurities and self esteem issues stemming from his marriage and from as far back as when his mom and dad divorced. I have yet to get him to open up more about it. 

I've told him before that I feel there is SO much to him that I don't even know about. I'm a deep person and thrive on knowing every little detail ( within in reason) about my spouse.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

LadybugMomma said:


> I often find myself thinking about H's previous marriage and wonder what it's done to him and why he's so mellow and relaxed about things.


The cheating may have been why he is so mellow. He might have processed things to the point that he just doesn't care anymore and it really doesn't bother him. He may have also realigned his priorities due to the cheating and realized that his XWW is not a priority and not deserving of his attention or even him feeling angry towards her. 

Here's my personal experience. I also don't harbor ill feelings to my XWW. I figured that if she didn't want to be married to me she was welcome to leave at any point. And while I think it was a silly choice for her to cheat, she was always free to make that choice and can live her new life without me. I don't wish her any ill will and on the contrary hope she is happy because that would help maintain a better home environment for my kids. 

The cheating for me also helped me recognize the family/friends that were really important in my life and to appreciate them more. It also made me a better father since I really cherish the time I have with my kids and don't take it for granted. 

As far as other relationships go, I'm now gun shy about commitment but I don't know if that is really about her cheating or just the stage of life I am in, or both. Doesn't really matter because I'm happy the way things are.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> I agree, Simply. I am sorry about what happened to your son. This infidelity garbage shouldn't be tolerated by anyone.
> 
> Trust is hard nowadays. Very hard.
> 
> I do think that OP needs to know why H tolerated the abuse he got and if there is an issue there, for both is safety and hers


Yes, I long to know why he tolerated the abuse he took. It HAS to be for more reason than the kids alone. He is a great guy, I love him with all my heart. I feel that there's more to the big picture that he's withholding. It can't be that simple, cut and dry. Who does that? Who allows themselves to continually be treated so poorly, not to mention pay all the bills and bust ass while the spouse screws every man that's willing? I feel it's a person with self esteem issues. He says no, he stayed for the kids. I don't buy it. 

It's possible he doesn't want me to know his esteem is so low or to see him as weak. Then again, I find myself thinking, maybe it is that simple...and that I'm over thinking the situation...then I listen to my gut. 

How do I get him to speak the truth....or rather just finally talk about it? Is it something that I should even keep encouraging him to talk about? What sort of effects could this have on our marriage in the future if it is just swept under the carpet now?


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I think that he in general has some self esteem issues and possibly felt he didn't deserve nor could get better than his ex. 

I'm sorry for what you went through with your ex. There is not much worse then being destroyed by broken trust. 

Take care of you for now. There's no hurry to find another guy right now. Enjoy life. Be content!


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I suppose that's a possibility, but you'd think one would need a hot wife (ex in this case) in order to have hot wife complex. LOL 

I don't think this is the case with him, though.


----------



## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> I suppose that's a possibility, *but you'd think one would need a hot wife (ex in this case) in order to have hot wife complex. LOL *
> 
> I don't think this is the case with him, though.


You'd be surprised at what many guys would consider "hot" when it's knowingly available. And the term is in reference to the general subculture, not the attractiveness of the females involved.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> Yes, I long to know why he tolerated the abuse he took. It HAS to be for more reason than the kids alone. He is a great guy, I love him with all my heart. I feel that there's more to the big picture that he's withholding. It can't be that simple, cut and dry. Who does that? Who allows themselves to continually be treated so poorly, not to mention pay all the bills and bust ass while the spouse screws every man that's willing? I feel it's a person with self esteem issues. He says no, he stayed for the kids. I don't buy it.
> 
> It's possible he doesn't want me to know his esteem is so low or to see him as weak. Then again, I find myself thinking, maybe it is that simple...and that I'm over thinking the situation...then I listen to my gut.
> 
> How do I get him to speak the truth....or rather just finally talk about it? Is it something that I should even keep encouraging him to talk about? What sort of effects could this have on our marriage in the future if it is just swept under the carpet now?


Ladybug,

Let's look at what we know.

1) Thank God he's not with her anymore and is safe with you

2) It sounds like he's not a cheater which makes you safe. Regarding him, get him into some type of comfortable counseling to find out exactly why he put up with this and get him to build his self esteem up in moderation. It sounds like he's lucky to have met a woman who has respect for him. However, he needs to deal with this issue too. 

3) You aren't overthinking things. What he went through and his reaction to it is not normal. That isn't a reflection on what a kind, caring guy he is. It's a reflection on why he would put up with things few others would. If there is something that is going on, at least you should know.

Have you asked him why he put up with it ? I know about 'regarding the kids' but how he could live with it ?

If it's a question in your mind, it should be a question in his. That's what marriage is about.

Find the answers you need and keep posting. I have respect for you to come here and trying to deal with the problem. I feel badly for him that he had to put up with his ex (not that he had to put up with her but the pain that this good man endured)


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

This is a possibility too that he feels she's just not worth his time anymore stressing over it. And I can totally see him wanting her to be well and happy in her life which would make for a better home life for his kids. 

One thing that sticks in my mind, (and I should probably let it go and stop worrying my self) is not long ago, she was at work and her car was broken down. HE was the first person she called to go help her. He was 100% willing to go help her. He said he was doing it for the kids, however the kids were with us at that time. Needless to say, it created a huge issue with me. He flat out said that he told her he was going to help her, so he was going. This was after we were married. I told him right then and there that he had a choice to make....he was either going to keep catering to her or he was going to be married to me. It took him a bit, but he finally called and told her that she needed to find someone else to help her. 

I couldn't even believe that it was a situation to start with. I guess I feel that if I knew what was going on in his head, I could settle mine down.


----------



## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

LadybugMomma said:


> So, I wonder what being cheated on does to ones psyche. I'm sure it affects everyone differently.


For me it destroyed my self-esteem and made me severely depressed until I became suicidal until I finally sought some help. But I've never been the same since, I still deal with bought's of depression and my self-esteem is still low. I go through the motions but find little joy in life other than my children. Basically it destroyed me as a person, the person I am today is a different guy because of it.

I definitely had an opposite reaction than your husband.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> Ladybug,
> 
> Let's look at what we know.
> 
> ...


Wmn1....thank you SO much. I started getting a little choked up reading your response.

He and I have gone though so much in our previous relationships that we consider ourselves both lucky to have found each other, who we both feel 'safe' with. I feel there is so much more closeness to have and thoroughly enjoy if we can get everything out and understood. I'm such a thinker so I often find myself second guessing everything I think about. 

The counselor we saw a few month ago encouraged us to talk at least every other night about anything and everything that's on our minds, bothering us, upsetting us etc. We kind of slacked off about the routine that we were in, but I think tonight is a perfect time to get back on track with this. 

I have never asked him how he could live with such awful treatment but that'll be a question I ask tonight. 

Thanks again!


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I figured it is different for everyone. It has to ping everyone's self esteem a bit and make them feel foolish for being played. 

Maybe it's just I have so much dislike for my H's ex, because I can't fathom being so cruel to another person. There's so much more about her that I don't like so maybe it's hard for me to understand how he can be (or appear to be) un-bothered by her. But, whatever the case, I should like her a tiny bit for walking out on H because I have a good life now by having him in it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wmn1 said:


> I agree, Simply. I am sorry about what happened to your son. This infidelity garbage shouldn't be tolerated by anyone.
> 
> Trust is hard nowadays. Very hard.
> 
> I do think that OP needs to know why H tolerated the abuse he got and if there is an issue there, for both is safety and hers


As far as we know.. he was only cheated on "*emotionally*" but given how they hid things.. who the he** knows.. if you know what I mean.. I obviously thought too highly of HER and his so called friend, though I had my suspicions months before , even voiced them but tried to give those 2 the benefit of the doubt.. made us all fools I guess..

Could have been a lot worse.. but breaking up through a TEXT after 3 & half years of signing every love letter with his last name, all that fluff on FB... example "He's my world" weeks before the hatchet ... then getting engaged to his back stabbing friend 6 months later was a tremendous blow from his 1st love ...

Had she just had enough RESPECT to come to him honestly when she was starting to have feelings for his friend.. I'd have a whole different take on this.. but that's people for you.. it's so much better to go to someone with what is troubling you when it's at a "seed" stage...so they can hash it out.. work it out -- BE REAL with each other... have enough Respect to someone who trusts you .. 

But thank you wmn1  - it's just about a year later now.. and he's doing Great !... he's happy, back to his optimistic self and doesn't seem to mind not having a woman ...good for him!


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I am glad you will be talking to him and asking him that. I like the idea of frquesnt talks per your past counselor. Meetings such as that allows both of you to keep tabs on each others feelings and allow any problems to be resolved pronto.

I have my fingers crossed for you, Ladybug


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't wonder into the infidelity section too often here.. but I caught this thread a while back... I choked up reading some of these responses... you just want to kick the other in the face for being so callous and cruel...

This thread speaks to the heart of what is being asked...what it can do to a person.. 

*>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/306482-whats-worst-thing-about-infidelity.html


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

LadybugMomma said:


> This is a possibility too that he feels she's just not worth his time anymore stressing over it. And I can totally see him wanting her to be well and happy in her life which would make for a better home life for his kids.
> 
> One thing that sticks in my mind, (and I should probably let it go and stop worrying my self) is not long ago, she was at work and her car was broken down. HE was the first person she called to go help her. He was 100% willing to go help her. He said he was doing it for the kids, however the kids were with us at that time. Needless to say, it created a huge issue with me. He flat out said that he told her he was going to help her, so he was going. This was after we were married. I told him right then and there that he had a choice to make....he was either going to keep catering to her or he was going to be married to me. It took him a bit, but he finally called and told her that she needed to find someone else to help her.
> 
> I couldn't even believe that it was a situation to start with. I guess I feel that if I knew what was going on in his head, I could settle mine down.


My cheating ex pulled this kind of crap shortly after he moved out and his AP came down from another state to have a week-long fvck-a-thon with him. We weren't divorced yet, but he had filed. He asked me to go by "his" house (the house we lived in for 11 years, brought our newborn son home to, had all our best times in, and that we kept as a rental property for years after we moved to a bigger house in a better neighborhood, and that is now his sole property per our settlement) and put the garbage and recyclable bins away so they wouldn't be left out all weekend while he was out of town.

It took all the strength I had left, because I hate conflict, to say "No, I'm sorry, but I can't do that. You're going to have to ask a neighbor or friend to do that for you."

I've had my car serviced a few times since he's been gone. I'll be goddamned if I ever ask him for help with any of that - I managed to find another way each time.

I get why your husband was torn about helping her. Avoidance of conflict is a self-esteem issue. I know all too well. We don't think we matter enough to speak up for ourselves. Like I say, it took all the strength I had to tell this man no, I would not put his garbage cans away for him after he betrayed me, shattered my life, and rubbed my nose in it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's different for different people.

It hurts. I think it chips away at you, making you less of a person, somehow.


----------



## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

What's his relationship with his mother like?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadybugMomma said:


> Yes,* I long to know why he tolerated the abuse he took. It HAS to be for more reason than the kids alone. He is a great guy, I love him with all my heart. I feel that there's more to the big picture that he's withholding. It can't be that simple, cut and dry. Who does that? Who allows themselves to continually be treated so poorly, not to mention pay all the bills and bust ass while the spouse screws every man that's willing? I feel it's a person with self esteem issues.* He says no, he stayed for the kids. I don't buy it.
> 
> *It's possible he doesn't want me to know his esteem is so low or to see him as weak.* Then again, I find myself thinking, maybe it is that simple...and that I'm over thinking the situation...then I listen to my gut.
> 
> How do I get him to speak the truth....or rather just finally talk about it? Is it something that I should even keep encouraging him to talk about? What sort of effects could this have on our marriage in the future if it is just swept under the carpet now?


*Self esteem* is an interesting topic.. I recall reading about it not long ago.. and learning that some of the most wonderful people , kind, giving, caring may have a lower self esteem...many things can play a part, some personality traits are more prone to it, that combined with devastation -which causes insecurities to rise in us all..

When I read how many GOOD hearted people struggle with it though...I just thought to myself... what a shame.. so many make a big deal over "Confidence".. confidence is the end all.. its attractive, it's this.. it's that.. but you know what.. not all confident people are good people... some are arrogant pricks....yet seem to get a pass.. Something is very wrong with that picture too. 

At the end of the day.. don't we all want caring kind people in our lives ?

Reading all of your responses @LadybugMomma , I can't help but think... what a blessing you & him found each other... as he surely deserves to be loved LIKE THIS....EVEN IF his self esteem is lower.. (so [email protected]#)... love him anyway! 

In due time.. your steadfast love, encouragement, thankfulness he's in your life, building him up will penetrate him ...enough so that he'll see himself through YOUR EYES... 

This should allow him to become more vulnerable with you...which will further bond you, building upon your foundation as a couple.. this will boost his self esteem, what HE brings to the union....it surely helps our psyche when we're surrounded by people who respect us, encourage us, and always see the best in us....

Sometimes people just need a little more tender loving care.. I'd like to believe we can all find our way back from any sort of traumatic experience that dropped us to the ground.. The strides may seem awfully slow, just know YOU have made a difference in his life.. he's a good guy, he's going to appreciate & grow closer to you.. 

Speaking of Vulnerability -which is likely a great fear of his.....

No woman has studied the subject of *Connection */ *Shame */ *Vulnerability *more than Brene Brown. She originally set out to prove "Vulnerability" is nothing but WEAKNESS - betrayal even! Her aim was to trample it . What she came to learn was such a struggle for her, this Therapist had to see a Therapist! :scratchhead: 

Here is a 20 minute video clip of her speaking on this, more in depth..







Brene Brown: The Power of vulnerability 







(20 min of listening)



> "Connection is why we are here -it gives purpose & meaning to our lives".





> "*Shame* = Disconnected -feeling we are not worthy of connection"


 With the thousands of stories pouring in to her in her research spanning 10 yrs, she decided to separate the "Whole Hearted" to the "Broken" still struggling with "connection" in Love & Relationships, and the undeniable truth was.....allowing oneself to be vulnerable is a STRENGTH, what separated the 2 was simply ...."they BELIEVED they are worthy of connection, a strong sense of belonging", this allowed them to be more vulnerable before others. 

But so often we FEAR putting ourselves out there, can not bear the risk of HURT, we try to NUMB our emotions -but we can't numb our emotions, so many turn to addictions (drinking, over eating, etc). This is not our answer. 



*** Brene learned this is how the "Whole hearted" live: 

*1.* *Courage *to be IMPERFECT
*2.* *Compassion *to be kind to ourselves 1st
*3*. *Connection *- as a result of Authenticity- the people let go of who they thought they should be -In order to BE who they are
*4. **Fully embraced Vulnerability*- that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful.

She Ended with this... "Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, love with our whole hearts, even if no guarantee, Practice gratitude ...."can I love you THIS much"- "I'm just so Grateful" - and Believe we are "enough".


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *Self esteem* is an interesting topic.. I recall reading about it not long ago.. and learning that some of the most wonderful people , kind, giving, caring may have a lower self esteem...many things can play a part, some personality traits are more prone to it, that combined with devastation -which causes insecurities to rise in us all..
> 
> When I read how many GOOD hearted people struggle with it though...I just thought to myself... what a shame.. so many make a big deal over "Confidence".. confidence is the end all.. its attractive, it's this.. it's that.. but you know what.. not all confident people are good people... some are arrogant pricks....yet seem to get a pass.. Something is very wrong with that picture too.
> 
> ...



SimplyAmorous, Thank you SO much for your post. It gives me a whole different way to look at the situation. You are correct, it's been a long slow process getting him to come around as much as he has already. Our MC said it's more like a mother/child relationship that he and I have, but that with time, communication and patience, he will be my partner along side me. I love him more then enough to continually work on this. 

He's a volunteer firefighter, and is almost brings him to his knees that I worry about him every time he runs out the door to help someone in need or put out a fire. His ex couldn't care less. 

I'm seeing it's the little things that mean the most. I am seeing that he needs a little extra TLC, like you said, and I'm willing to do that. I feel that he and I have so much potential, it's getting through the rough patches first!


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Nomorebeans said:


> My cheating ex pulled this kind of crap shortly after he moved out and his AP came down from another state to have a week-long fvck-a-thon with him. We weren't divorced yet, but he had filed. He asked me to go by "his" house (the house we lived in for 11 years, brought our newborn son home to, had all our best times in, and that we kept as a rental property for years after we moved to a bigger house in a better neighborhood, and that is now his sole property per our settlement) and put the garbage and recyclable bins away so they wouldn't be left out all weekend while he was out of town.
> 
> It took all the strength I had left, because I hate conflict, to say "No, I'm sorry, but I can't do that. You're going to have to ask a neighbor or friend to do that for you."
> 
> ...


I can see how he would have been so used to just doing whatever she asked of him because he wouldn't want to rock the boat, possibly making her (in his eyes) or giving her another reason to cheat. Sadly, she's just the kind of person too, who would just keep taking every ounce of his man, to her benefit, even though they aren't together anymore. Sadly for her, I don't allow that sh!t to happen. 

I'm proud of you for standing your ground, regardless of how hard it was, to tell your ex, no! It's not easy to change your ways when you're programmed to do things a certain way for so long.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Lilac23 said:


> What's his relationship with his mother like?


Idk how I missed these questions to me. Sorry! His relationship with his mom is good. She divorced his dad when H was about 17. She moved out of the house and in w/her bf. She later moved to Fl with bf. I think and our counsellor does too, that there are some deep rooted issues with that but he doesn't open up to that topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> I am glad you will be talking to him and asking him that. I like the idea of frquesnt talks per your past counselor. Meetings such as that allows both of you to keep tabs on each others feelings and allow any problems to be resolved pronto.
> 
> I have my fingers crossed for you, Ladybug


So I asked him HOW he managed to stay, that I understand WHY (for the kids) but wanted to know how. He said he didn't know how. He thought she'd change and that she didn't and only cared about herself. 

I truly think and feel there's so much more that he's suppressing. Our talks aren't over yet. I mean if we all did what we did solely for our kids (factoring children in the relationship) well being, then there'd be no divorce, right? We'd all stay in miserable marriages, dealing with cheating, abusive spouses (which isn't an ideal setting for children to see) just for the children's sake. 

Another for instance of the basic, "topical conversations", I call them, is there's a local store that we shop at frequently and there's a girl that grew up in my H's neighborhood, that works there. She had a dog that bit H when he was younger. He tells me this every single time we go into that store...every single time. 

I can't help but feel that after only four years of us being together, THIS is all we have to talk about. 

I'm so sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

