# Content to remain single?



## JWTBL

Although being in a good relationship can be a wonderful thing, I am losing faith that I will ever have another person care about me, and it is a scary feeling. Are any of you TAMers out there settled into single life, not really looking for a SO, and content in doing so?i have recently been going on various meet up activities that I thoroughly enjoy, and am wondering if keeping busy during the day and some nights and living alone can be a long term choice and be happy doing so? I am only 55 yrs. old, so could potentially have 30 yrs. or so of living to do. (My mom is 92 and still has all her marbles). Can I be content single? I do spend a lot of time alone, by choice, but do get out to socialize too. Can single hood be a viable chosen lifestyle?


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## stillhoping

My therapist is always trying to help me see that being alone as a choice is an important thing to consider. I think you need to be ok alone before you can be any good with a partner


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## Nikita2270

I absolutely think you can be happy and content single. In fact, sometimes I think its an enviable place to be. Relationships always involve compromise and sometimes its nice not to compromise.

I think if you decide to stay single...you just need to have a network of good friends or family so that you have support when you need it.

Otherwise, I think its perfectly fine. You should do what makes you happy. The truth is that if I wasn't in the relationship that I was in right now, I think I'd be an extremely happy single person. I doubt I'd even bother dating.


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## whitehawk

l've thought a lot about this to since my break up.
l've gone up and down a million times. But lately l realize l'm happiest in a couple life.
l dunno , my ex and l always use to talk a lot and crap on when we got home, l miss that .
Having someone there even when your coming home , wake up to, around the house,share everything with,we were always texting. oe calling, just to name a few things.
But yeah there is heaps of compromise, effort , stuff to check or talk out first before you even make a cup of coffee or a sandwich, l wanna do this or that, oh could you wait l'm doing this,or huge stuff like where to live.
The bs things like that always drove me nuts. lt's funny now , nothin. Just do what l want when l want from something to eat to going somewhere , spending money , going to bed , anything. Stay up all night or out all night , nothing matters.
Sometimes all that's nice because l don't like explaining myself or being held back.

But l do miss it all to in other ways. Don't think l'd like to grow old alone.
Sometimes l think though , in our good years we had what most people might never really get to live , experience , feel. So from that point l'm damn lucky to have known and lived it. Maybe it's too much to ask to expect to get it twice in one life , dunno.


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## EnjoliWoman

There are a lot of things that I'd like to do and want someone to share them with. Yes, I could travel and do other things alone or with girlfriends or even the guy friend (tho that may be off the table as he seems to be dating someone). BUT in the end, I still want someone in my life. At 46 I cannot imagine never being married again, or at least living with/having a LTR with someone.

All of that being said, I'd rather be single than with the wrong person so I'm fine being alone, too. And since exH is much older, and I'm much healthier, I'm relatively sure I'll be the one left in my kiddo's life and could see myself being content to do things with any grandchildren. 

I'm a 'joiner' so as kiddo exits the nest, I can certainly be part of more meet up groups as well. Maybe even have time to run one. I don't see myself becoming isolated, bored or depressed without a SO.


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## nice777guy

Have been thinking about this myself a lot lately. I'm 2+ years out of my divorce and have not had any serious relationships.

Most days I think I'm doing just fine on my own. Other days I start thinking about the advantages of NOT being alone. Sharing finances and housework. Having someone who really knows you and helps keep your head screwed on straight.

Read an article a few days ago about the benefits of having sex on a daily basis that kind of struck a nerve. Not really practical when you're single. 

As a man - statistically speaking - I think being single takes about 5-10 years off my life expectancy.

I just know that right now I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person just for the sake of being with someone.


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## devotion

I'm lucky to be in a great new relationship and its tough for me to imagine life without my girlfriend, but that said, both of us were happy and content single. That's why our relationship is strong; we don't need each other, we just want to be with each other. 

So it is definitely important to be happy and content single. I'd rather be single than with the wrong person. 

My ex-wife (from what I hear, I don't talk to her directly) is apparently with someone bad for her, and she knows it. I have no idea why. She is smart, makes good money, is perfectly fine single. I'll let her friends try to save her, I guess -- not my problem anymore.


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## Rowan

I would so very desperately prefer to be alone than to ever again be with someone who didn't really respect or value me. 

As it is, at nearly 1 year post-divorce, I'm actually quite happy and content. I think about having someone in my life, but at this point it's not enough of a concern for me to actually do anything about it.


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## bravenewworld

I'm super content being single right now. For me it feels like a time of self discovery. I've done so many interesting things with friends and by myself! I love hiking, visiting museums, taking road trips, traveling, meditating, etc. People are always shocked by all the things I do alone, but I love it! I'm getting to know myself, and while I'm not perfect, turns out I really like me! :smthumbup:

Plus I am working on getting into the best shape of my life and I just feel like it's so much easier without distractions. Sometimes I'll work out for two hours a day, and it's a relief there's no one whining about my not spending enough time with them. 

That said, it's not that I don't want companionship at some point but I'm enjoying figuring out what makes me tick. If someone and I share strong enough chemistry to pull me away from "alone time" so be it.


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## JWTBL

Thanks everyone, a lot of good advice. Probably time for me to be thankful for what I have, and stop fretting about what I don't have. Life is good...


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## Jellybeans

I think humans are wired tow ant interaction and love is a great feeling, so is a reciprocal romantic relationship. 

With that said, I hear you and can relate to what you are saying and asking. I wonder this, too. I got married and never thought I'd divorce and it really threw me for a loop. I don't much believe in the institution (for myself) and sometimes I wonder if love will ever happen for me again. The numbers say that it's likely I'll meet someone again (7 billion people on the planet) but when I think of a relationship, it sounds exhausting. Sometimes I like being home curled up on my couch, or walking around my house in a wifebeater top and panties, making chicken for dinner with a side of popcorn, not having to worry about cleaning up after someone, or a fight, or giving so much of myself only to end up feeling broken at the end of a relationship. It seems easier to go it alone. My ideal would be to have a lover who doesn't stay over all the time.


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## devotion

I have a friend who just got out of a five year relationship (didn't get married, but broke it off one month before their wedding date). She's definitely a little lost alone and I tell her its understandable to want to feel wanted again (Since she was the one that got dumped after five years) but that she just needs to be happy with herself and enjoy the perks of being single. 

Good luck!


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## vi_bride04

nice777guy said:


> Have been thinking about this myself a lot lately. I'm 2+ years out of my divorce and have not had any serious relationships.
> 
> Most days I think I'm doing just fine on my own. Other days I start thinking about the advantages of NOT being alone. Sharing finances and housework. Having someone who really knows you and helps keep your head screwed on straight.
> 
> Read an article a few days ago about the benefits of having sex on a daily basis that kind of struck a nerve. Not really practical when you're single.
> 
> As a man - statistically speaking - I think being single takes about 5-10 years off my life expectancy.
> 
> I just know that right now I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person just for the sake of being with someone.


I'm about 2 years out as well and feel similar. I have dated a bit but I am to the point where I really feel its not worth the hassle. I would just rather spend time with myself doing something I enjoyed then play the "get to know you" game. 

Regular sex and someone to help shovel my driveway in the winter are all about I'm missing when it comes to a relationship. LOL


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## nice777guy

vi_bride04 said:


> I'm about 2 years out as well and feel similar. I have dated a bit but I am to the point where I really feel its not worth the hassle. I would just rather spend time with myself doing something I enjoyed then play the "get to know you" game.
> 
> Regular sex and someone to help shovel my driveway in the winter are all about I'm missing when it comes to a relationship. LOL


I can shovel my own driveway!!!

What I'm REALLY looking for is a new person to contact in case of emergency! I still use my Ex when filling out medical / personal forms. She knows me - knows my health history and my family's health history - she's a nurse - she'd be there if I ever REALLY needed her - and I really can't think of a better option.

Think I'll revise my dating profile - "Not seeking anything serious - just a new Emergency Contact"!!!


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## ClairesDad

I keep telling myself I will remain single for awhile after my divorce later this month. It will be hard, though. The longest I have been single in past 30 years has been about 6 months. I started dating as soon as I got divorced from my first wife. I keep saying I wont make that mistake again, but I do enjoy female company. I don't think I'll last long being single. Lol.


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## Jellybeans

Nikita2270 said:


> I absolutely think you can be happy and content single. In fact, sometimes I think its an enviable place to be. Relationships always involve compromise and sometimes its nice not to compromise.


So agree.

This morning, I had a "happy I am single" moment. I got out of bed (late) and stretched my arms out wide... took off my top and just walked around half naked for a long time, picked up some things that were exactly as I left them and looked in my kitchen thinking, I am so glad I don't share my house with anyone. It is really nice. 



Rowan said:


> I would so very desperately prefer to be alone than to ever again be with someone who didn't really respect or value me.


Yep. There is a saying in spanish that says: It's better to be alone than in bad company. 



vi_bride04 said:


> I'm about 2 years out as well and feel similar. I have dated a bit but I am to the point where I really feel its not worth the hassle. I would just rather spend time with myself doing something I enjoyed then play the "get to know you" game.
> 
> Regular sex and someone to help shovel my driveway in the winter are all about I'm missing when it comes to a relationship. LOL


I agree.


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## Cooper

Remaining single is such an easy choice for me. I was married for 20 years, dedicated husband and father, I loved being a family man. But now that life is behind me, kids are grown, got divorced, thinking about downsizing the house. 

Now my focus is about living a peaceful, quiet and contented life, part of that is learning to be selfish with my time and energies. For me to bring someone new into my life would take a cosmic event, I just don't seem to want to "give" that much of myself any longer. The funny thing is I still half heartedly look for a partner, if every thing synched perfectly then maybe...

BUT.... IF I were to ever become involved again I think we would have to buy a duplex, she could have her side and I could have mine, a few times a week we could meet in the yard for socializing, maybe even have dinner together occasionally, that's about all I'm willing to give of myself anymore.


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## poppyseed

Jellybeans said:


> Originally Posted by vi_bride04 View Post
> 
> Regular sex and someone to help shovel my driveway in the winter are all about I'm missing when it comes to a relationship. LOL
> 
> I agree.


The "need" for having regular sex will probably go around menopause / post-menopause. One less reason why you would need a 7/24 "relationship". 

Driveway/snow issue: you can always relocate to somewhere you wouldn't have so much snow..or move somewhere without any driveway...Bob's your uncle..


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## tulsy

Relationships can be amazing, but I think it's definitely more important to be happy with yourself. If you end up with someone else, great, if not, still great. 

Life really is "what you make it". 

I would figure out what you like to do, and do it. If you are adventurous, go on a new adventure. Chances are, you'll meet other people who are into the same things. Some of those people will end up being new friends, other could potentially become more. Either way, you'll be in the company of like-minded people. You'll be compatible.

Take the pressure out of it. Don't worry about being alone.


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## poppyseed

Cooper said:


> Now my focus is about living a peaceful, quiet and contented life, part of that is learning to be selfish with my time and energies. For me to bring someone new into my life would take a cosmic event, I just don't seem to want to "give" that much of myself any longer. The funny thing is I still half heartedly look for a partner, if every thing synched perfectly then maybe...
> 
> BUT.... IF I were to ever become involved again I think we would have to buy a duplex, she could have her side and I could have mine, a few times a week we could meet in the yard for socializing, maybe even have dinner together occasionally, that's about all I'm willing to give of myself anymore.


Cooper

I don't think that's particularly unusual. Because this is a marriage-related site where people who come here tend to be so pro relationship..pursuing one and want one etc or being in one ..but that does not mean there are people whose work is so demanding and relationship takes a second place. I know a lot of women and men who stayed single all their life - having a fulfilling life, hobbies, work and adventures.. some of them may have had monogamous relationships in their life but never married never had children for example. 

I was never pro marriage / pro relationship until I fell into a relationship / marriage one day. So in that sense, I'm going back to the way I was and I am not dreading of the prospect at all. I don't think marriage is easy (easy to begin with and things change as time goes on). also knowing the society is fast changing and I do not think that the whole social environment itself is particularly pro marriage in my honest opinion. Hence, a site like this is so popular. 

I am also aware there's nothing else other than the end of a long-term relationship / D would give you so much grief and untold suffering in people. Cooper, give yourself time to recover from years of giving. Certainly, that's what I'm planning to do myself.


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## COGypsy

Cooper said:


> Remaining single is such an easy choice for me. I was married for 20 years, dedicated husband and father, I loved being a family man. But now that life is behind me, kids are grown, got divorced, thinking about downsizing the house.
> 
> Now my focus is about living a peaceful, quiet and contented life, part of that is learning to be selfish with my time and energies. For me to bring someone new into my life would take a cosmic event, I just don't seem to want to "give" that much of myself any longer. The funny thing is I still half heartedly look for a partner, if every thing synched perfectly then maybe...
> 
> BUT.... IF I were to ever become involved again I think we would have to buy a duplex, she could have her side and I could have mine, a few times a week we could meet in the yard for socializing, maybe even have dinner together occasionally, that's about all I'm willing to give of myself anymore.


I think that's the beauty of relationships the second time around though--we get to define what we want and what we don't. When I was younger, I felt like it was important to tick off the "marriage" box. I'd ticked off the "college" box, the "real job" box and the "graduate degree" box, so clearly "marriage" was the only one left. And sure, if you're kid-inclined, I think marriage is important and a relationship (or at least a member of the opposite sex!) is essential.

Now? I don't want to share living space. Marriage itself added zero to my life the first time, why do it again? I don't want one person to monopolize my time--I have way too much fun doing all the things I do in life, why limit anything? So the relationship I found fits those wants and desires. Great guy, tons of fun, lots in common. We spend Saturdays and part of Sunday together, maybe grab dinner or a drink during the week. Check in every day or two or when there's something exciting to share. But zero plans to change the status quo. It's been working well for a year and a half and neither of us see any reason to change it.

We get all the parts of a relationship we want and none of the parts we don't--it's pretty liberating actually.


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## Wolf1974

Single doesn't mean you have to be lonely. When I wasn't with my now GF I spent time with friends and family. I even travelled alone and had a blast. Get out and love life. Love will likely come when you least expect it.


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## RandomDude

Yes I am quite content, single is nice but there is always the desire for companionship, to complete it - just get a girl or two on the side.

Right now I'm single with a stable FWB and quite happy! The only responsibility I have is my daughter but I consider that more a privilege than a chore! Life is so much better than how it was when I was married!


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## nice777guy

poppyseed said:


> The "need" for having regular sex will probably go around menopause / post-menopause. One less reason why you would need a 7/24 "relationship".


Not exactly comforting for either the women OR us guys to hear...


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## COGypsy

Not exactly a foregone conclusion either. One of the hardest things for my mother to deal with during my stepdad's prostate cancer was coming to terms with the end of their sex life. They're nearly 70.


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## nice777guy

I was watching something last night where a woman was talking about how great sex can be after 45-50 - when the kids are gone and you've actually got time and energy.


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## COGypsy

Their marriage is amazing. Their passion was only exceeded by their deep caring and affection for each other. And now they're making it work with the love and affection and find memories of the rest.


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## poppyseed

nice777guy said:


> Not exactly comforting for either the women OR us guys to hear...


Just being a devil's advocate.  :rofl:


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## poppyseed

COGypsy said:


> Not exactly a foregone conclusion either. One of the hardest things for my mother to deal with during my stepdad's prostate cancer was coming to terms with the end of their sex life. They're nearly 70.


Good post. These things do happen in one's life at any time. I have seen some friends (30s/40s/early 50s) going through critical illnesses e.g. cancer, MS, parkinson's etc..they've seen their partners / friends dropping off as they got ill and had to go through treatments with support from families and much fewer friends. 

I think it's easy for people to stick together when things are going smoothly in usual aspects e.g. money, great sex, holidays, work, health etc. A friend of mine (she owns a successful business in London) who had a colon cancer - she recovered eventually but I don't think her BF was able to cope with that.


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## DTO

COGypsy said:


> Now? I don't want to share living space. Marriage itself added zero to my life the first time, why do it again? I don't want one person to monopolize my time--I have way too much fun doing all the things I do in life, why limit anything? So the relationship I found fits those wants and desires. Great guy, tons of fun, lots in common. We spend Saturdays and part of Sunday together, maybe grab dinner or a drink during the week. Check in every day or two or when there's something exciting to share. But zero plans to change the status quo. It's been working well for a year and a half and neither of us see any reason to change it.
> 
> We get all the parts of a relationship we want and none of the parts we don't--it's pretty liberating actually.


This.

I've been single for nearly five years and am content alone. I have a career, a young child, and a home; time just flies by - always. I was consistently busy and had hobbies for any free time available, so I didn't miss having a special someone around.

I was told a while ago there is someone for every situation and have found that to be true. I met someone who similarly is busy. We agree our kids and careers come first and us time is limited. Part of why I hadn't looked is a sense no one would want to be so far down the priority list. I think that's often the case, but certainly there are enough people out there you can find what you seek if you are willing to invest the time and look.

So, yeah, you can certainly be happy alone. But, don't think you would have to give up your priorities (job, kids) to have a partner, because it likely isn't true. And, if you think no one would want you, you need to understand why and get that sorted out.

ETA: I had forgotten how good it feels to have someone fawn over you in that special way. While I'm content alone, I think the right relationship situation is better. But, I wouldn't have known if I hadn't decided to get myself out there. Something to consider.


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## Jellybeans

COGypsy said:


> We spend Saturdays and part of Sunday together, maybe grab dinner or a drink during the week. Check in every day or two or when there's something exciting to share. But zero plans to change the status quo. It's been working well for a year and a half and neither of us see any reason to change it.


This sounds pretty great to me.



Wolf1974 said:


> Single doesn't mean you have to be lonely.


Yes, exactly. Sometimes people in marriages feel even lonelier than they did when they were single.


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## movealong

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, exactly. Sometimes people in marriages feel even lonelier than they did when they were single.


QFT


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## poppyseed

nice777guy said:


> I was watching something last night where a woman was talking about how great sex can be after 45-50 - when the kids are gone and you've actually got time and energy.


So they say!! (as if women in 40s/50s should be all ugly and frumpy nobody wants..) :rofl:


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## bravenewworld

Things awesome about being single list:

-There is a coffee cup sitting in the sink, and I get to wash it whenever I feel like it.

-Planning a fall vacation. Cruise? Camping? Safari? Tons of places to choose from - and guess who has the deciding vote? :smthumbup:

-Aunt gave me a gift certificate. I'm spending it all on me.

-Have the day off. Going out to lunch with a friend then going to read poolside and soak up some sunshine. Not checking in with anyone.

-Rarely, if ever, uttering the phrases, "Is that ok?" Or "What are you thinking about?" Or "Whatever you want, dear." 

-Later tonight, I will watch a crappy, vapid tv show AND I might follow it up with a dirty late night movie. And no one will be the wiser. Well, besides TAM. 

-Winking back at the cute guy in the gym, and not feeling guilty about it! 

Single life - it does a body/mind/soul good!


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## Jellybeans

bravenewworld said:


> -There is a coffee cup sitting in the sink, and I get to wash it whenever I feel like it.
> !


You are such a gangster. 
:smthumbup:


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## bravenewworld

"Dishes? We don't need to wash no stinkin' dishes." 

(Well, might be time to wash if they are stinkin. Hah!)


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## Cooper

When my married friends complain about there lives they always tell me how lucky I am to be single because I can do what I want whenever I want. 

I always spin it a bit though, to me the best part is to NOT have to do anything I don't want to.

I don't have to wash that stinking coffee cup.
I don't have to clean barn stalls.
I don't have to go to some smucks birthday party.
I don't have to listen to you complain and pretend I care.
I don't have to worry about what kind of drama is in store for me when I get home from work.

It is so nice to not have to deal with someone else's agenda every day. For me that's the best, to NOT have someone else sucking my precious time and energy.

Maybe I better scratch the word compromise off my vocabulary list!


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## nice777guy

Cooper said:


> When my married friends complain about there lives they always tell me how lucky I am to be single because I can do what I want whenever I want.
> 
> I always spin it a bit though, to me the best part is to NOT have to do anything I don't want to.
> 
> I don't have to wash that stinking coffee cup.
> I don't have to clean barn stalls.
> I don't have to go to some smucks birthday party.
> I don't have to listen to you complain and pretend I care.
> I don't have to worry about what kind of drama is in store for me when I get home from work.
> 
> It is so nice to not have to deal with someone else's agenda every day. For me that's the best, to NOT have someone else sucking my precious time and energy.
> 
> Maybe I better scratch the word compromise off my vocabulary list!


Seventeen years of marriage - I don't think I ever once chose the "right" parking spot when going somewhere. Amazing how - since I've been divorced - any spot I park in is absolutely perfect.


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## TheGoodGuy

nice777guy said:


> Seventeen years of marriage - I don't think I ever once chose the "right" parking spot when going somewhere. Amazing how - since I've been divorced - any spot I park in is absolutely perfect.


Oh man can I relate to this one.. "There was a closer spot on the next row" (what, 4 feet closer? By the time we got to that spot it would have been taken). Me: "it's ok, walking is good for us" in a cheery tone. In return I would get the icy stare from frozen Hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stormydays

This is such a hard one. TBH, staying single for the rest of my life is kind of my nightmare scenario right now. 

I'm almost one year post divorce, and I've held off on dating while I get my life and head together. I'm 35. I don't have children, but would like to have them. I look younger than I am (because I don't have children, according to my parent-friends). I think there is still "hope" for me, and I do feel pressed for time given my age and child-bearing aspirations. 

One of my single friends who has never been in a long-term relationship said that she can't imagine actually getting married or having a relationship now because she is so "set in her ways" (she's 37). Since I know what it's like to be in a loving marriage (at least until the very end) I can't imagine not having that again. I've gotten more used to being alone and trusting myself to make good choices, but I just think life is better when shared with someone else. That said, it's so just tiring to think about having to get to know someone all over again. I also think about how upsetting it would be to be in a new relationship and have it end.

I do think it's good to be alone sometimes because, chances are, even if you are married "forever" your spouse might die before you, and you will be alone. It's a sad truth that I've learned through this experience, that marriage isn't a panacea for loneliness, and we all face the prospect of being alone at some point in our lives.

And, if you stay single, how do you get that physical affection? Not just sex, but that kind of physical closeness and comfort that comes with having a partner?

(BTW, that emergency contact post made me laugh out loud.)


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: Content to remain single?*



stormydays said:


> .
> And, if you stay single, how do you get that physical affection? Not just sex, but that kind of physical closeness and comfort that comes with having a partner?


You don't.


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## Jellybeans

The cool thing about my hand is that it always gets me off.

Stormy, you can always get a lover.


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## whitehawk

Admittedly , l worry l won't meet anyone else , or no one will be interested , or if l do it just won't work out.

The online thing's really kicked the faith around.
l've met plenty and a few would've loved it to go somewhere. But no ones hit the spot and when they have to me , they haven't answered my interest. Over all it's all amounted to nothin.

l get plenty of interest when l'm out and about to but again , it's mostly just taken women perving though or someone too young or one thing or another and again , amounts to nothing.

The thing is not knowing many people anymore either and then it'd have to be a mutual thing of course , add everyone's baggage and whether they'll self sabotage no matter how good it is anyway - seen a lot of that, ages, kids, l dunno.
lt's all looking like an impossible combo these days .

Maybe l'll change over time and go back to preferring to be single anyway.
l sorta envy couples l see or meet or know , some. But some also make you thankful you don't have to deal with it and pitty them. Dozens of times when l was married l wished l wasn't or thought about it.

But one thing's for sure , finding a mutual combo seems a pretty tall order these days.


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## badcompany

Jellybeans said:


> Sometimes I like being home curled up on my couch, or walking around my house in a wifebeater top and panties, making chicken for dinner with a side of popcorn, not having to worry about cleaning up after someone.


Lol, and the problem is? 

IMO, you sound like me, someone who spent too much time with a spouse with a personality disorder?
The worst thing you can do is not go all in for fear it won't work out. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.


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## Jellybeans

I didn't say there was a problem.


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## badcompany

What I meant was, that kind of lifestyle would agree with most normal guys pretty well


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## badcompany

I can't say I'm going to be content if I remain single. I get something out of pleasing someone....when it's possible to please them of course...
I like to cook, I'm set up in my hobbies of boating fishing and kart racing to include a partner, I like sex, I like waking up cuddling someone in the morning. I'd like a pair of thighs to split my lower lip on occasion....
So I'm not giving up. All in due time


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## whitehawk

Sometimes l'm out somewhere , like even just yesterday. And l see someone, quite often actually and it's like , now that's what l'm talking about :smthumbup: - where are they on that damn date site .


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