# Mean Mother In Law Is Sick - What should I do???



## whiteflag

Keep In Mind - this is the condensed version.

So, I've been married for 2 years and these have been the hardest two years of my life. I've endured cheating, verbal abuse, being low on my husbands priority list...you name it.

During this time, the one thing I could proclaim was that my mother in law and I got along really well (so I thought).

About2,3 mos ago while preparing to divorce my husband, we found out that my mother in law has ovarian cancer. Needless to say, we were all devastated by the news. I did, intend to proceed with divorce, but fell prey to guilt. My husband guilted me by saying things like, how can you leave me now, this is when I need you most, I need help with my mom etc (he's an only child). So I stayed!

Over the last couple mos, I've taken her to doc apps., prepared meals, washed her hair (prior to falling out), again, you name it, I did it for her. I didnt mind doing these things because as I THOUGHT, we got along really well.

This past Sunday my husband and I were having one of our MANY disagreements and his mom jumps in....I said to her, with all due respect, please allow us to handle this without your input and she GOES OFF. 

She called me every name in the book, said no one in the fam likes me but have tolerated me for the sake of my husband, accused me of getting pregnant on purpose to get him to marry me (NOT TRUE AT ALL - SO HELP ME GOD. we were already engaged, but she didnt know it)...again, you name it, she said it Sunday. I left and told her I would never forget the things she said to me and would never extend another hand to help her. Note: MY husband allowed all of this -never defended me, and said I was at fault for upsetting her knowing she is ill. WHAT????

Days go by - i hear nothing from anyone outside a text message from him apologizing for things getting out of hand and his mothers behavior. I never responded - taking ME time.
Yesterday, I get another text stating his mom is in the hospital suffering complications from her illness (FYI).
I did respond simply stating that I hope all turns out well, but left it at that. 

I've been going back in forth in my mind wondering if I should call and or go see her, but cant get all those terrible things she said to me out of my head. Not to mention all the HELL I've gone through with him outside of that. I want to leave this all behind, find healing, divorce and move on, but once again feeling slightly guilty for walking away during sickness.

Please HELP - I TRULY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## 827Aug

So sorry you are going through this. You don't have a lot of time invested in this marriage, so it makes things easier. The bottom line is that you need to get out of this marriage. If things are this bad after two years, then I would hate to even see five years.

I can understand having some compassion for your MIL because she is sick. But, it has to be next to impossible to be around her after the things she said. Do you think this was how she felt in her heart, or her fear of the future talking? If you feel those hurtful things were here true feelings, then I would probably precede with the divorce now. Is her illness terminal? Now days an illness such as hers can go on a long time. You don't need to find yourself trapped in a hopeless relationship for years.

Hang in there!


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## whiteflag

Thanks, 827. Anyone else have any thoughts?


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## tamara24

Whiteflag,

First of all, I am sorry to hear of your MIL illness, that makes your situation tougher.

Second lets address the MIL. The bottom line is that she is sick. I too have a mean MIL, who is legally blind but I swear the woman can see better than she lets on. I have heard her say things to me that would curl your toes but the bottom line is she is seeing her one and only baby attacked, she like all mothers, will defend regardless of who is right or wrong. What she says in a heated argument should not be taken seriously. It still hurts your feelings though. I think that I would seriously consider taking her flowers and saying hello and making a short stay. I would go to visiting hours when I knew someone else besides your hubby would be there. That way you can make the excuse, I just dropped in because I heard you weren't feeling good and brought these to cheer you up! Then if other people are there, you are spared the confrontation part with her and she can't say too much to you either. This will relieve your guilt, because lets face it, if something SHOULD happen, you will feel even worse. You have to be the better person so to speak.

Your husband is an entirely different ball game. If you have decided there is no way to save your marraige and you have tried everything available, counseling, books or any other methods. Then leave him. First he has no business to use his mother's illness to keep you. Second, you are way to early in the marraige to have him cheating on you or considering you to be a low priority on his list.Third, verbal abuse is still abuse and it will leave you with no self esteem in the end. You have mentioned a child. Your child does not need to hear that either.

I am not a person that advocates divorce, but if you have been married two years and struggling with these issues and you have been carting his MIL around as part of your duty and he still treats you like this, go! Make sure before you do, that this is truly what you want and there is no way to work on the marraige. If after careful thought and consideration of how your husband will participate in making your marraige work also, you still come to this conclusion, then go. I have been advised that I have to be the one to change to make my marraige work and in my situation it applies. But I have been married 17 years, two children and 20 years invested. You on the other hand , have two years invested. Let's face it, no matter what happens with the MIL, you will not forget what she said, even if a true apology was made. Your husband did nothing during this confrontation, will you be able to forget that? His reasons for you staying should be that he wants to work on the marraige. If you were the one taking her to appts. and such, who do you think the responsibility will fall to now? Most likely your husband and that should not be an acceptable reason to stay with your partner. Marraige gets harder with more kids, bills, and life in general, you do not need to burden yourself this early with someone who wants to guilt you into staying.


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## whiteflag

I hear you loud and clear tamara.

I wanted to make a few more points. This is both our second marriage. The MIL had a similar confrontation with the ex and my hubby told me that he feels his mom played a role in the first divorce. We're not very young people (late 30's, early 40's)


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## tamara24

The facts are still the same. You will not be able to change MIL.
You can't change your hubby, you can only change you. Who cares if it your first or second marraige, if you have tried and it is not working then get out. 
If you want to stay then work on it. Don't let guilt keep you or you will be down the road a few more years feeling guilty at yourself because you did stay.
Not to mention, abuse is never o.k.
I wish you the best.


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## whiteflag

Thanks and you're right!


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## Susan2010

I wouldn't go to the hospital, not after that. And his apology was as sorry as he is. Wash your hands guilt-free.


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## whiteflag

Thanks, Susan........


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## robdedgar

All up to you. Do what you feel you need to do. 

I too have in laws that are a pain in my ass and even told my wife to divorce me and keep our 3yr old away from me till we are divorced. She is still in court ordered rehab because she has 3 DUI's in the past 4 yrs and the last two she had our son in the car. Her stupid father even told me if I do anything to hurt our son, he will come after me!!! I have never done anything to jeopardize our son's safety and have been watching him the six months she has been in rehab. They always put me throught guilt trips about how the 2 days a week is not enough for him to see him and to think about what is in the best interest of our son. Now they are keeping him from me?????

I loathe my in-laws at this time and will do everything I can to work against them at this point.


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## Advocado

I would say don't go to the hospital as you are clearly feeling really uncomfortable about this and in all probability she would feel awkward too.

Instead, send some flowers with a card saying something like

"despite us not parting on good terms when we last met, I was genuinely sorry to learn that you have had a set-back with your health and do wish you well" 

Then leave it at that.


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## whiteflag

Thanks, everyone, for the GREAT advice.

My saga continues.........I had decided (to this point) that I would not visit, call or anything, but just today (about an hour ago) I received yet another TEXT from my husband ( I capped TEXT because I think that is a very juvenile form of communication) Anyway....

The text states that she is still in the hospital with some kind of infection and supposedly growing visibly weaker with each day and how he hopes that our sons last vision of his grandmother wont be our confrontation.

I wonder if things are really as bad as he's implying or just another guilt trip, but I must admit, I probably would feel a foot tall if something REALLY bad was to happen and I let it end this way, but at the same time, I AM SOOOOOO TIRED OF FALLING FOR THE GUILT AND BEING THE BIGGER PERSON.


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## Susan2010

You're making me wonder about you. You said he guilted you initially into not divorcing him because his mother was ill. But if you wanted a divorce, his ill mother was no reason not to proceed. You could have begun divorce proceedings and still stayed to help with his mother. Or, you still could have moved out, begun divorce proceeding, and go over to the house to help with his mother. If you wanted a divorce, you would have worked it out. I didn't mention this before because it was not part of the issue, but now I wonder what you must be thinking.

Now, you're saying you don't want to let it end this way if something really happens. But you didn't do it, so how would YOU be letting it end this way?

And, if he wants his son to see his mother, he come and get his son and take him to see grandma. What do you have to do with that? And why/how would it be your responsibility?

And finally, if you want to know if he's telling the truth, you would call the hospital to find out.

How is any of this so difficult to figure out? He is not guilting you any more than you want his attention and really do not want a divorce. No biggie. You don't want to divorce your husband then don't divorce your husband. Just be honest with yourself because it's all beginning to look pretty silly.


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## whiteflag

Susan - there is no need to doubt me. I am open to hearing everything said on this site good and bad and I welcome your thoughts.

I have already moved out and that's exactly what I told him yesterday. If you want your son to see grandma you are welcome to pick him up and take him to see her.

The guilt thing is just about contacting her. None of my question is rather or not to divorce him. I am definitely going through with that.

I know that she is the one that made this situation what it is and her being sick does not excuse any of it. I just cant help wonder how I'd feel if something really bad was to happen. That's all.


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## turnera

IMO, there's no such thing as too much of being the bigger person, when someone is dying.


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## jeffreygropp

This is unnecessary stress. I would move on, regardless of the situation with the MIL. That just compounds everything.


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## Advocado

If your MIL is truly on her last legs, then I say you need to MAKE your husband know that it is he who will need to feel guilty if he doesn't come collect your son very promptly and take him to see his grandmother before it's too late. Meantime, send the flowers and card as suggested earlier. 

Sounds like your husband really knows how to push your buttons but the guilt trip he is trying to put on you will only work if you go along with it. Don't.


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## whiteflag

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to feel any further guilt. I am moving on leaving her in God's hands.


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## Jerusha12

Maybe try a phone call, to feel out the situation. Wait till you are ready. Don't do anything until you are ready though. The less you say the more magnanimous you seem when you give her the respect she did not give you. The me time is good and will give you strength but make your own decisions because only you know the whole situation. If you love the man, be a friend, for now til you work things out, hopefully he will feel for you if you feel for him. Talk on the phone, rather than in person so you have some control, and make sure you have someone else to talk to who supports you.


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