# Checked out/exhausted



## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm 28 years old and the only man I've ever loved just doesn't seem to be enough for me anymore. He sees no problems in our marriage but I am never happy. I have been with him for twelve years of my life and married for nearly four. Things were okay when we got married but not great. I guess we have always struggled financially as he is not so great with handeling the finances. I have been in and out of school as to try and make more money. I wonder if he will ever accept responsibility and finish his degree. He makes me feel guilty about that too. He's borderline addicted to video gaming. We have a virtually platonic relationship with hardly any sex. We had a huge fight recently because I went looking through our phone records and bank account and didn't like our situation. We decided to work on our finances and relationship but he won't go to couseling. Nothing has changed and I realize it's only been a month but I am exhausted. I want to have fun and live a happy life with a husband who wants me. Lately he's been talking about our plans to have kids next year and all I have been thinking about is our plans to divorce after the holidays. Am I wrong to want to check out after just three years of financial/sex issues in marriage? I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past 3. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If he won't go to counseling, you should still go because you have some issues too that need to be addressed.

Also tell him how you feel, pretty much the way you put it here. Tell him you really want to fix this but he needs to deal with his gaming addiction, finish his degree and help get the finances straightened out as well as taking care of your physical needs

If he won't go to counseling, tell him you don't see a future with him.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Maybe you should look into MC with a pro-marriage counselor to help with the marriage, but start with yourself.

Checking out always sounds to me like the Walk Away Wife (built up resentment depression) syndrome. The guy is clueless to the inner termol and gets a rude awakening when the cork pops.

"Sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror."

IC can help inner conflicts, MC can help marriages. 

The blame game becomes the MO of those looking for greener pastures, when the issues are more internal. We get out of marriages by what we contribute.

All in my humble opinion.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I intend to start counseling at the begining of the year for myself. He makes me feel like am a sex addict for wanting sex 3 to 4 times a week so I figure why not look into my own issues. I definitely need to talk to someone anyway which lead me to this site in the first place. 

He doesn't want to discuss our issues any further. He doesn't feel he's addicted to gaming. He feels sex 1 to 2 times a month is normal. He is doing what he feels is enough to get our finances under control. He blames me for him not getting his degree but he dropped out of school well before I met him and hasn't gone back even though I encourage him to do so, he's very intellegent. He doesn't take care of himself very well as far as working out, getting his blood pressure under control, etc. I am genuinely concerned about his blood pressure. His weight doesn't really bother me. 

I say I have checked out because I have been beating my head against the wall trying to change everything I can for the past 3 years and getting no results for the positive. I am loosing interest in the man I love and it hurts. 

I say I don't recognize myself in the mirror because it is hard to keep your sense of self when you are constantly rejected by someone you desire and love. I have learned through friends and advice here that its him not me. I have thankfully picked up my self esteem but I am not going to lie, it still cuts like a knife to get rejected. I have stopped putting myself out there so much. He seems happy with that. I am not. 

I look good. I have lost weight, toned up, I have a great workout routine. I am finishing my second degree. I am very goal oriented, strong minded. Maybe he's threatened. I don't have the answer. I will not step out, I will throw in the towel before I hurt him, I love him. I just want him to love me and desire me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> . He makes me feel like am a sex addict for wanting sex 3 to 4 times a week so I figure why not look into my own issues.
> 
> *I could have written this! It's obvious that the two of you have different drives (you're high and he's low)*
> 
> ...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You have every right to leave. BTW, do not have kids until you're both ready. He is not ready to have a kid. 

Awe, daddy loves you, goo goo ga ga. Pew, what is that smell

HONEY, kid needs a change!!

HONEY, kid is up, go get him/her.

HONEY, kid is hungry, feed him/her.

HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

Yeah I know he's not ready for kids. I already do everything for our two dogs. He loves them and plays with them but I do all the caring, discipline, exercise, vet visits, etc. He blames it on his work schedule. I work full time and am a full time student. He says he wants them in the divorce or at least thats what he said when we were discussing divorce a month ago. He uses whatever he can against me I guess to try and get me to stay or to hurt me. 

I gave up dealing with the finances a year ago when we got one joined bank account and it was easier than having two seperate and saying hey I'm paying this bill and him saying ok well I'm paying these two. I just recently started logging into that account again. I am guilty of not wanting to deal with the extra stress I suppose. Now we just talk about what we are paying when and all our bills come out of our joint account.


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## Wolfy82 (Dec 24, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> I'm 28 years old and the only man I've ever loved just doesn't seem to be enough for me anymore. He sees no problems in our marriage but I am never happy. I have been with him for twelve years of my life and married for nearly four. Things were okay when we got married but not great. I guess we have always struggled financially as he is not so great with handeling the finances. I have been in and out of school as to try and make more money. I wonder if he will ever accept responsibility and finish his degree. He makes me feel guilty about that too. He's borderline addicted to video gaming. We have a virtually platonic relationship with hardly any sex. We had a huge fight recently because I went looking through our phone records and bank account and didn't like our situation. We decided to work on our finances and relationship but he won't go to couseling. Nothing has changed and I realize it's only been a month but I am exhausted. I want to have fun and live a happy life with a husband who wants me. Lately he's been talking about our plans to have kids next year and all I have been thinking about is our plans to divorce after the holidays. Am I wrong to want to check out after just three years of financial/sex issues in marriage? I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past 3. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror.


I just wish there is a way for us guys that have been through similar, to talk to the guys that their wives are talking about, to tell them , before its too late, that what they are doing is wrong way, to open their eyes. Imagine how many marriages we would possibly save. 

All of us went thru something and realized it too late. I hope he opens his eyes before its too late. Sorry that you are going thru this.


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