# Formerly left-of-centre wife turning ‘woke’



## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

So, I’ve been married just over a year; with my partner for 3 and a half.
When we met we established early on we were different politically, but not incompatible. I’m just right of center, she fell just left of centre (maybe a little more to the left than I am to the right.
Not the same, but not insurmountable, and while we didn’t always agree, we respected each other’s opinions, even when we didn’t agree. I’m not terribly political, never have been, she’s more interested than I am, but I’m firmly a centrist or right-leaning, but consider myself a liberal, just not a modern liberal- though I’m not militant about it and don’t expect her (or anybody else) to adopt my views. They’re just my views.
So we’re three and a half years in, preparing to move from the USA (where her and my step-son are from) to the UK. We’re also preparing to try for a baby. In the last few months, my wife is getting increasingly ‘woke’ and progressive. The “slightly left of center” position is becoming a thing of the past. She’s becoming increasingly intolerant of anything that doesn’t fit her social media and carefully chosen news sources and parroting jargon we previously would have laughed at, we both found ultra-left and ultra-right obsessives and slogans funny in the past, to an equal degree – now she’s using phrases and terminology that would have been a punchline a few months ago.
My fear is that this progression continues – I have no intention or interesting in becoming a woke ultra-liberal, in the same way I don’t intend to become a far-right conservative obsessive. Us meeting in the middle was always a strength for us, and that seems to be a thing of the past.
I’m genuinely afraid that we’ll become incompatible; I don’t know how I could be married to a ‘woke’ person and I certainly don’t think one could be married to me. Also I’m scared and saddened that either A) she’s this impressionable and has had her essential mindset altered so such a degree in such a short period of time, or B) she misrepresented herself to be somebody she isn’t from the start of the relationship.
So do I wait, go on with our life-plans, and assume this passes or blows itself out? I don’t want to consider the alternative, the marriage not working out – particularly for such an unexpected and odd/fickle reason. This is a strange time in the world in general, stressful and scary, and I think too much free time is to blame for a lot of these similar issues.
But I’m worried and afraid. Worried that a person can change so fundamentally so quickly or that we may be becoming incompatible.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Get her pregnant... likely to push her “right” lol. My views seem to get more conservative with every kid/decade.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

This is currently a time of a lot of uneasiness, and people are feeling a lot of pressure from multiple sources. I would say that your multiple times use of 'woke' along with a condescending tone towards her beliefs would not give me much hope that a bridge will be built.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I think I would have a serious talk before moving. I don't know what is going on in the UK politically but at least in the USA, I think most of us on the right know a civil war is brewing if things keep progressing. I think it will drive a large divide with many people, even couples, and I tend to step way back from leftists now. As far as other countries, I am finding people from other countries are coming here, and trying to force their "ideals" against our long proven constitutional standards. 

It could be age and maturity, or in some of the stuff in the USA, outright immaturity! I know I have never been as political as I am today, mostly because there seems to be some sort of "movement" but no one can articulate what that "movement" really is.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What do you actually mean by "woke"?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’ve always heard of being “woke”, meaning red pill. Being more conservative, and more red pill and not liberal. Which is why I was surprised at the thread title.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> What do you actually mean by "woke"?


“Woke” is urban slang for being increasingly aware of injustice or discrimination in society, especially racism. However some people seized on the term to further their own aims and now its almost militant in its use.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If you want a spouse who won't change, get one that's dead. That isn't telling you to accept every change, it's telling you to expect it.

Her positions are less important than her behavior. If the two of your can respect each others' differences, you're good. If you agree on everything except one tiny proviso and can't be civil about that, you have a problem.

Surprised no one has mentioned James Carville and Mary Matalin yet, they have a durable marriage despite working for most of it in opposing political campaigns. I am not being original, but that is worthy of respect IMO.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you need to tell her that you wouldn't be comfortable being married to a left-wing radical. Tell her you're fine with a moderate Democrat or liberal, but unfortunately those seem to be extinct these days because they simply are not the party line anymore. I think you need to let her know when she veers into territory you wouldn't be comfortable endorsing.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

In trying to keep on topic here, I would be curious what is making the OP's wife move to the radical left? Is it because she is gullible and actually believes what some of the news outlets puke out? I know I have vetted several stories and found that what they do is take about 1% of a narrative, and make that their ENTIRE news story, making it's message completely contorted. 

I have lost count of people that say they are voting for Biden because they don't 'like' Trump. News flash, most of us hard core republicans don't think Trump is the 'best person on the planet' but I am all for the right person for the job. Picking, of all people, a president based on if you 'like' them, is short sighted IMO. 

I will try not to make this a political dance but Biden/Kam have made it VERY clear that they are going after the constitution (2nd am). I don't think lefties are thinking because once you start destructing the EXACT thing that has worked for OUR country, not others, for hundreds of years, where does it stop? These same people lean HARD on the 1st am which I find rather dashing. 

So, I would at least approach about what is causing this new 'spirit' because I am finding a lot of people that basically just want to get on a 'band wagon' and are not even sure what they are really supporting! People can say they want less cops, but less cops, with certainty, WILL increase crime, victims, and chaos. I think the USA has lived in a safe bubble for so long that citizens today have no clue what real evil is, until they become a victim of it.


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## Bob4678 (Sep 13, 2020)

IMHO, I feel that you should wait a couple of months after the election in November before taking ANY drastic steps. Wait to see what happens and how she responds to it. To me, that will be the time you can make the best decision.

Good Fortunes


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Speaking as a moderator, Folks, this is not a general political debate so off topic posts will be deleted.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP what really matters is how she and you handle these differences. It sounds like she has moved far enough left that she will view your beliefs with disdain. IF this is the case you should absolutely be careful about life changing events like moving countries or children. IT does appear that her new found views will prove to be incompatible. Unless you are willing to come to see her views.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I absolutely agree with not doing a thing until the election is over, then see what she does. I have honest concerns that many leftists will have a complete meltdown when Trump wins and in your case, she might just resent you even more just for being a red supporter. That would not be good for your life expectancy. 

Again, I would try to pry in to learn more about what made her shift her views to the more radical spectrum. I would also find out just exactly WHAT those views really are! For some, it just means they are REALLY passionate about the pro life/pro choice debate, but some have almost demonic views. It would be important to know EXACTLY where she stands. 

I personally don't understand how you can live in the same house, let alone married to someone, without a very firm understanding of their beliefs. 

As well, as you have seen lately "beliefs" is a moot term anymore as people take to the streets to try to destroy America so it might be important to understand if she is one of those that would go to that level, and if you are really cool with that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If your views are so far apart that you think you’re becoming incompatible, bringing a baby into this is not a good idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I also agree with waiting at least to a few months after the election. Things are just crazy right now politically (to put it mildly). 

Are there things that the two of you can agree on? if so then that's a place to start to work through this.

You say that she's being influenced by social media. How much time does she spend on social media? Are the specific people who are having a lot of influence over her?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Letting social media rule your life is scary and ridiculous! 

As a society, we are going through a big change. Social media owns us. It has influenced masses around the world. Polarization between left and right is extreme now a days not only in America but in other parts of the world as well. 

I stopped caring about political posts on social media. I use the "hide" and "snooze" button a lot. I like to see funny stuff and my contact's pictures. That's what social media should be about! 

Don't let politics rule your relationship. This is ridiculous! You can have a conversation with your partner, explain your views, she can explain hers, you both can respect each other's views and move on. The left or the right doesn't care about your marriage. Why are you letting politics influence your marriage that much? 

You can also stop discussing politics at home. Many couples don't talk about work at home. My husband doesn't. Could you set some rules about not discussing politics at home? 

Not everything is black and white. Leaning left is not wrong and leaning right is not wrong either. What about a compromise? Could you talk about finding a middle ground so you can enjoy a family and a move? 

I think it's very immature to separate because of political views, I believe both of you are going to regret it. This election is going to come and go. Even the current president has changed political affiliations several times!!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

@pastasauce79, I know what you are saying about political 'views' but I have realized these are like core values. It's like marrying someone who loves/wants kids, and you hate the little snot dragons. I mean, some might workout, but I bet most don't! 

You consider some of what is on the menu politically today, and I would sure want to know what the other side was thinking! 

Hell, I had someone visit a while back and she nearly wet her pants and ran out of the house because she counted 6 guns in plain sight..... I was like "you missed a couple"......lmao....... We keep em hot and ready round here. 

I mean, if you hook up with someone based on what they believe, and then they just decide to change, yeah, I would want to know exactly what you changed into!


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

This is what happens when a regular person is subjected to non-stop propaganda, they become radicalized. For some people, this is really just a phase. Right now it's the cool thing to be extra woke so a lot of bored folks are taking up causes to show how good of a person they are. I think the best you can hope for is that this part of her just kinda goes away on its own in a few months. Personally, I would be worried though, because I have found that those woke folks are completely irrational and I wouldn't want anything to do with her if she started acting that way.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Your best bet is probably to pack up and leave.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> “Woke” is urban slang for being increasingly aware of injustice or discrimination in society, especially racism. However some people seized on the term to further their own aims and now its almost militant in its use.


Or the ridiculous inability to make up one's own mind reflected by being easily swayed by the left leaning media mouthpiece outlets shock media's promotion that violence is acceptable .


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If we get politics here on TAM , outside of special political corner, you are going to lose a lot of members. I start feeling like I am in Fox News corner..


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> If we get politics here on TAM , outside of special political corner, you are going to lose a lot of members. I start feeling like I am in Fox News corner..


I agree.

Sadly though I think that ship has sailed. Hopefully it will get better. Myself included. 

That's why I try to not get into endless debates here anymore on politics or persons going wild about their perception of social justice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think your real problem is she is treating politics like a religion which seems to be what a lot of people are doing now a days. In the sense that it becomes all consuming and ingrained in every part of their lives. To me this would be the same kind of situation as if an agnostic person would be married to someone who became a holy roller. This can create a lot of problems in a marriage. 

I am right with you, this (left or right) would cause real problems in my marriage. You need to talk to her about it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> I mean, if you hook up with someone based on what they believe, and then they just decide to change, yeah, I would want to know exactly what you changed into!


Do you teach your kids about political beliefs? Do you think people don't change? 

Your core values shouldn't be political. We have a president who is not the best example of conservative or religious beliefs. Even though he represents a conservative party, personally he hasn't shown conservative values. How's that possible? He has changed his political affiliation a few times!!

My husband has guns. I hate guns. I don't know how to use a gun. Now that I think about it, I don't even know where they are stored at! Our friends are hunters who lean right. We lean left (my husband leans left and has guns, lol!) we have a good time together. How is that possible?

Our core values shouldn't be political. Our marriages shouldn't be political. The way you want to raise your kids shouldn't be political. Your religious beliefs shouldn't be political. People change.

Am I the only one who can separate one thing from another? My political views are not more important than my family or my friendships. Maybe we are lucky to have people in our lives who can appreciate what we bring to their lives. 

And to me, the media is playing both sides the left and the right. Don't you people see it?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

A previous poster summed it up well, it's all about respect for each other and the relationship.
I have been with my wife for 28 years, married for 26.
I was 32, and she was 26 when we got married.
We were political opposites. I was a moderate to right Republican, and she was a liberal Democrat.
For about the first fifteen years, we would basically cancel each other out at the ballot box.
Time, experience and maturity changes people. My wife has discovered that.
I am now 58, and she is 52.
She is now a Republican, and in some areas, is probably more conservative than I am.
We have talked about it several times. She summed it up by saying that she was brainwashed, in that it was how she was raised and all she ever knew until she met me, did some research, and worked it out for herself.
Never did politics ever get in the way of our relationship. Neither of us would allow it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I used to think all races, cultures, religions, politics, that it all matters not. Sure it doesn't matter... on the bedroom. Building a life with someone however, having a future, these complications can destroy a relationship and it takes both parties to put in the effort to make it work. 

Compromises must be made on both sides, so strong opinions and views - these just won't work.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The only way you may be able to manage is if you both agree not to bring the subject up. I have family members who I dont agree with on things such as brexit, and we just avoid the subject. I would actually find it hard to be married to a guy who was the complete opposite to me politically, hence marrying someone who shares the core views. 
I find woke people extremely annoying actually. Many of them are total hypocrites, not saying your wife is.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

She may have more of a social media problem than a political problem. If she is being persuaded more by social media than by conversations with you, that's a problem. It leaves no way to meet in the middle. If you subscribe to the right pages on social media, they will try to convince you that pigs fly - and some will believe it. Have you tried agreeing to get off social media? No social media is much better than a failed marriage.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Thank you everyone for your replies; I'm reading through them all and processing the information before I reply individually. There are a lot of standpoints and opinions to work through, but I thank you all for your replies. It's nice to know that A) I'm not alone in this experience and B) there are people to talk to about this issue. Just being able to discuss it helps to process things.

Regarding the term 'woke" - I wasn't using it in a negative context as some people rushed enthusiastically to assume; to the best of my knowledge 'woke' referred to an ultra or extreme-left ideology. As I tried very hard to make clear in the original post I do not identify with the extreme left _or_ the extreme right, and I have no time for the terminology and bias of either shade of extremist or the weaponization of terms and reactionary attacks.

Also thank you to all who did not make this into an "us VS them" political debate; again, in my original post I was very careful to display that my issue is not with her status as a registered Democrat, or our occasionally opposing ideals or values, and I think the vast majority of people who read and replied understood that.

Thank you all, I hope the replies keep coming, this is honestly helpful I think.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

pastasauce79 said:


> Your core values shouldn't be political. We have a president who is not the best example of conservative or religious beliefs. Even though he represents a conservative party, personally he hasn't shown conservative values. How's that possible? He has changed his political affiliation a few times!!


Perhaps they shouldn't, but the world has made in increasingly difficult to separate the two.

I haven't been outside my house for more than 60 seconds at a time in 5 days because of hazardous smoke. Now the conversation about if we humans are partially to blame is a political argument. It shouldn't be.

Before that, I wore a mask in public, which, you guessed it, is apparently now a political statement. 

I had to severely restrict my social media connections to close friends and family because the politics was becoming intrusive, from all sides.

It seems now that politics will find you, whether you want it to or not.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JTodd said:


> Regarding the term 'woke" - I wasn't using it in a negative context as some people rushed enthusiastically to assume; to the best of my knowledge 'woke' referred to an ultra or extreme-left ideology. As I tried very hard to make clear in the original post I do not identify with the extreme left _or_ the extreme right, and I have no time for the terminology and bias of either shade of extremist or the weaponization of terms and reactionary attacks.


I have a daughter who probably qualifies for the definition of woke. She's something of a social justice warrior. 

I temper our interactions with the realization that everything she does comes from a place of wanting to make the world a better place, especially for those who have not historically had much of a voice. That I find some of what she stands for patronizing, counter-productive, or just plain silly does not diminish from the underlying intent. That my passions don't match hers isn't relevant as long as we can say to each other "please give it a rest for a little while. I hear you".


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My only warning to you was along the lines of how it sounded. Woke is not a positive term in my mind, and I do not think you were using it positively either.

If you want to build bridges, it starts with respecting people and careful word choice can keep you from blowing that out of the water in the first sentence.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Edited for typo* - incorrect reply


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is the second time I personally seen a thread like this, of politics splitting a couple apart. I never seen it before in the past on this forum - religion yes, culture yes... sadly a sign of the times.

Same solution though; compromises. Yet some beliefs are so firm there's just nothing you can do and agreeing to disagree is just not good enough.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> My only warning to you was along the lines of how it sounded. Woke is not a positive term in my mind, and I do not think you were using it positively either.
> 
> If you want to build bridges, it starts with respecting people and careful word choice can keep you from blowing that out of the water in the first sentence.


This is the issue; in _your_ mind. I'm afraid I'm not responsible for your emotional reaction to things. Only my own and my own reactions and intentions. And your assumption/accusation of how I was using it is also not my responsibility. 
I can tell you what my intention was, and have in fact; please do not project your hypothesis regarding what you "think" I mean, and I'll offer you the same respect if and when I reply by not projecting my personal issues and biases onto messages you send. Thank you for listening.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Cletus said:


> I have a daughter who probably qualifies for the definition of woke. She's something of a social justice warrior.
> 
> I temper our interactions with the realization that everything she does comes from a place of wanting to make the world a better place, especially for those who have not historically had much of a voice. That I find some of what she stands for patronizing, counter-productive, or just plain silly does not diminish from the underlying intent. That my passions don't match hers isn't relevant as long as we can say to each other "please give it a rest for a little while. I hear you".


Thank you for this reply. I really have tried to adopt this mindset but my wife's (as you put it) "SJW" tendencies (new-found) run counter to so much of what I believe. It's difficult. You're 100% correct, I think she's coming from a place of good intentions, I think she _thinks_ she's becoming one of the "good guys", but it's just more polar-definition, US vs THEM, "I'm good they're evil", totally intolerant thinking. Again, like you said, patronizing, but I also find it often to be superior and elitist and condescending. It's a mindset I've always had an issue with. Same with the other side of the spectrum. I'm not looking for her to become a hard-right Nationalist either. I just miss that she used to recognize how ridiculous ALL extremists are; not just the ones she disagrees with.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

JTodd said:


> This is the issue; in _your_ mind. I'm afraid I'm not responsible for your emotional reaction to things. Only my own and my own reactions and intentions. And your assumption/accusation of how I was using it is also not my responsibility.
> I can tell you what my intention was, and have in fact; please do not project your hypothesis regarding what you "think" I mean, and I'll offer you the same respect if and when I reply by not projecting my personal issues and biases onto messages you send. Thank you for listening.


He is actually right. You want to reconcile, stop using emotionally charged words.,”woke” is what right uses for progressives and no it doesn’t have neutral conotation. Maybe it is not your wife who is so far to the left, maybe you moved to the right too?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If the opinions are that strong then the compatibility is just not there.

Had a discussion with my partner about this, because politics aside, left or right, we both have quite strong opinions on some issues. We both agreed, if we didn't share these views we wouldn't be as open as we are to each other, and it probably wouldn't work. Although we don't identify as left or right leaning, we can be quite elitist, supremist, and condescending to others we consider inferior as individuals, while others may not be as callous as us, and that's fine.

Think another poster nailed when they mentioned "Core values", and quite frankly I think it's make or break material really.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

JTodd said:


> This is the issue; in _your_ mind. I'm afraid I'm not responsible for your emotional reaction to things. Only my own and my own reactions and intentions. And your assumption/accusation of how I was using it is also not my responsibility.
> I can tell you what my intention was, and have in fact; please do not project your hypothesis regarding what you "think" I mean, and I'll offer you the same respect if and when I reply by not projecting my personal issues and biases onto messages you send. Thank you for listening.


Let me know how your compromise works out when you start it with lobbing emotional grenades then demanding your intentions are not as interpreted.

When having a conversation, you are responsible for your word choice and the effects it may have. The fact that you put the term in quotes every time you used it, indicates to me you know it carries baggage.

have fun, good luck. I can tell you women love being told they misunderstood what you meant.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> He is actually right. You want to reconcile, stop using emotionally charged words.,”woke” is what right uses for progressives and no it doesn’t have neutral conotation. Maybe it is not your wife who is so far to the left, maybe you moved to the right too?


I'm aware that progressives proudly proclaim their 'wokeness' and people wearing 'woke' t-shirts is common, and no it's not in parody.

I haven't at all moved to the right; in fact for the sake of unity and conflict avoidance I've unplugged from almost all news media and social media, None of that is important to me in the grand scheme particularly right now; my marriage and my family is my priority.

So, again, you're jumping to a lot of conclusions and making faulty assumptions which I'm afraid are not accurate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JTodd said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies; I'm reading through them all and processing the information before I reply individually. There are a lot of standpoints and opinions to work through, but I thank you all for your replies. It's nice to know that A) I'm not alone in this experience and B) there are people to talk to about this issue. Just being able to discuss it helps to process things.
> 
> Regarding the term 'woke" - I wasn't using it in a negative context as some people rushed enthusiastically to assume; to the best of my knowledge 'woke' referred to an ultra or extreme-left ideology. As I tried very hard to make clear in the original post I do not identify with the extreme left _or_ the extreme right, and I have no time for the terminology and bias of either shade of extremist or the weaponization of terms and reactionary attacks.
> 
> ...


My DW was a dem when we M, last 20 yrs was rep.

There may be hope.

But honestly, seriously, each person has the right and should vote their beliefs. 

We made it a point to not beat each other up, but enjoyed the support from the other, either way. 

But we didn't have any family involved at all on those topics.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LOL! So I just googled this wokeness cause thought it was just a millenial slang (again! so lit! such goals! so extra! BAH millenials!) used by you know - woke people.
Turns out it's now claimed to have been apparently "weaponised" by the right. Hahahahahaha and now what it's a negative term? 😄😂🤣🤣

It was that easy? lol

Anyway we should stick to topic guys  Myself included


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> Let me know how your compromise works out when you start it with lobbing emotional gel rebased then demanding your intentions are not as interpreted.
> 
> When having a conversation, you are responsible for your word choice and the effects it may have. The fact that you put the term in quotes every time you used it, indicates to me you know it carries baggage.
> 
> have fun, good luck. I can tell you women love being told they misunderstood what you meant.


Firstly, I'm infinitely mindful of how I speak to my wife, which is always respectful and non-judgmental; which is why up until the last few months we've had such a successful and amicable relationship. It's also why I posted here in the first place; I do not want to cause her any offence or pain with a discussion of this issue which again is why I've looked for outside council before wrong-footing in a conversation.

Secondly, I used a word I believed to be neutral, did not use it in a context to be negative or insulting; you seized on it because it carries a negative connotation to you. It's not even slightly the point of my post or my issue or discussion - I could have said 'tangerine' and if it served the purpose of presenting the idea of extremist views that would have been a suitable word to choose. If I had used what you consider to be a negative term for an extreme right-wing person, I wonder would you have reacted with similar offense.

Thirdly, I had no idea you were a woman and honestly it had no bearing on any of replies or the way I read the information or replied. I don't have differing interactive specifications due to gender on a forum; I asked a question and read every reply without preconceived notions or agenda and am attempting to respond in-kind.

Thank you sincerely for your input, but I do not believe any further interaction would be productive or beneficial for either of us. 
Again, I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read my post, and your effort to try to assist, even if I may think it's misguided (only my perception; I'm not attacking, judging, or putting down so please don't think that I am, nor am I trying to condescend). Thank you for attempting to illuminate to me that a term I felt was neutral in your mind carries a particular connotation. I will in future try to keep in mind that some people may view the word 'woke' as being an insult. 

Of course I am not dictating or telling you that you _cannot_ reply further, I would never presume to do so, but I do feel that furthering this avenue of conversation would not help either of us feel better, and it has somewhat derailed the original conversation for me. 
Thank you again for your attempt to progress the conversation which I sincerely believe came from an altruistic and good place with good intentions and I will keep your comments in mind.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Think another poster nailed when they mentioned "Core values", and quite frankly I think it's make or break material really.


Why Thank you! lol

OP, as I mentioned, at least my opinion is to get down to the exact values your wife holds today. Just saying "woke" means little to nothing. You may find she is just really passionate about one particular issue.....or maybe not. 

But I will affirm my position that political views are like core values like religion. Sure some people say they can just "ignore" them, but I think most people would like to be on the same playing field. I realize some people make it work by just not talking about it, but to be right honest, the main reason you are seeing a HUGE response from the right these days is because the left has gone to extremes this country has never seen. 

It's all and well to "ignore" politics until ignoring the problem actually affects your own life!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Not a woman, doesn’t matter, treat people respectfully and to not tell them when they can and cannot be offended.

Good luck, remember why you married her.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> LOL! So I just googled this wokeness cause thought it was just a millenial slang (again! so lit! such goals! so extra! BAH millenials!) used by you know - woke people.
> Turns out it's now claimed to have been apparently "weaponised" by the right. Hahahahahaha and now what it's a negative term? 😄😂🤣🤣
> 
> It was that easy? lol
> ...


 Such google; so helpful. Salty!

Seriously though, as far as I knew modern progressives self-identified as 'woke.' I thought it was a badge of honor, there are literally t-shirts and branding with 'woke' all over it and I don't think it's supposed to be sarcastic. It's also 100% nothing to do with the discussion I was trying to initiate.

Thanks for the input, and the attempt to get the conversation back on track!


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> Not a woman, doesn’t matter, treat people respectfully and to not tell them when they can and cannot be offended.
> 
> Good luck, remember why you married her.


I like to think I treat everybody with equal respect. I wouldn't tell anybody to not be offended; that's each individual's right. I can however make clear my intention if such a misunderstanding occurs. I believe that to be my responsibility; clarification is my responsibility and communication, more-so than the emotional response of the person in question (whom is, again, entitled to feel however they feel).

Thank you for the well-wishes, hopefully nothing I've said has caused any negative impact to your day.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

JTodd said:


> Such google; so helpful. Salty!
> Seriously though, as far as I knew modern progressives self-identified as 'woke.' I thought it was a badge of honor, there are literally t-shirts and branding with 'woke' all over it and I don't think it's supposed to be sarcastic. It's also 100% nothing to do with the discussion I was trying to initiate.
> Thanks for the input, and the attempt to get the conversation back on track!


Yeah I thought that too lol... anyway...

In addition to what @bobsmith just mentioned as well ()

I also highly recommend against ignoring it. I did before with ex-wife, like trying to hold down an earthquake. Just because nothing comes out doesn't mean the house doesn't shake. This was to do with religious issues. When we first married, she was tolerant, as time went by, she became very intolerant to the point it drove a schism between us and still persists to this day.

Another reason -> transparency with your partner with your thoughts. I was never fully transparent with my ex-wife and couldn't connect to her the way I connect to my now partner and soulmate. Hell it possibly contributed to how I never truly loved her the way she deserved. Sharing certain core values is extremely important and it should be acknowledged as such. I was very naive when I was young and of course people tell you that these seemingly superficial things shouldn't stand in the way of love.

But reality is, it does. Because it's not superficial at all.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

JTodd said:


> Thank you for the well-wishes, hopefully nothing I've said has caused any negative impact to your day.


No worries, and I did not intend anything negative to you, other than the caution about word choice.

My day started with my dog having a seizure, then after dropping 1k at the vet, I got a nail in my tire as I went to pick him up. So, not much a message board could do to make it worse!


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> No worries, and I did not intend anything negative to you, other than the caution about word choice.
> 
> My day started with my dog having a seizure, then after dropping 1k at the vet, I got a nail in my tire as I went to pick him up. So, not much a message board could do to make it worse!


Good luck with your pupper; hope they're okay. Also hope you had a spare...(tyre, not pupper).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When you do communicate on this subject, a little piece of advice is that you should start off by finding some points to sympathize with her on. Something like, I understand your concern about whatever it is. You are a very caring empathetic person. That lets her know you are at least getting some of the point and listening. But then you need to bring up the things you don't agree with. Another poster mentioned maybe this is because of where she's getting her news, which is more than likely the case, because it is very hard to find an unbiased news source anywhere. Maybe you suggest you watch news on different channels or read different papers to try to get a balance. Be sure that she's seeing what is going on in the world today and that she isn't wrapped up in a false narrative about police or whatever her pet peeve is. 

The few people I've known who got wrapped up in this or simply watching CNN and believing that that was all the news when in fact it leaves out a lot of the news, and they just are Trump haters because that's what's being pounded for the last four or five years on those news stations. 

You might sign yourself up for emails from the White House and just show her the occasional story or news of something positive that is being done. Like if it was last week, you could just mention there's a new law to keep middlemen out of pharmaceutical sales to lower the price. just something that simple that I'm sure she hasn't heard if she's restricting what news station she's watching so she knows there is something productive going on that benefits everyone. 

Honestly I think a lot of people just get wrapped up emotionally because getting wrapped up like that with other people is somewhat stimulating to them. they feel like they're part of some cause even if they don't really know what's going on or bother to find out. 

But in the end you do need to communicate to her that this would not be acceptable to you. I couldn't live with someone that I knew was advocating for something I really didn't believe in that I felt was detrimental to the country. Of course you can always cancel out her vote with your own.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tasorundo said:


> Not a woman, doesn’t matter, treat people respectfully and to not tell them when they can and cannot be offended.
> 
> Good luck, remember why you married her.


And I agree here! Good job Tas.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’ve always been a middle-of-the-road person with my own firmly-held beliefs that I don’t need to share with others. I expect others to have their own firmly-held beliefs but I don’t need them to be shared with me. My family has some who are much like me and some who are very much not. The rule is no heated “discussions” (i.e., arguments) about the state of the world and who’s wrong and who’s right. If that means watching what you say (very hard for our younger members) then that’s what is expected to happen. No lecturing from either side. That‘s the price to be paid for being part of our family and it’s worked for many years. Can the two of you agree not to discuss your differences — or discuss them civilly — or is the situation beyond that?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Interesting. I have kind of a similar situation. My wife and I are both left of center. But I am more of a traditional democratic guy - not a progressive. And I vote Republican sometimes (Bush over Gore, for example). My wife, however, has gone very far left in the face of all this unrest in our country. We are both anti-Trump, but I recognize when he does something good, while she just dismisses him entirely and lumps everyone in one of two camps.

She's also a woman of color and I am white. So we have had many healthy discussions about race that we've never had before. Frankly, that part has been good for me. But overall, I do sometimes get really worried about how far left her thinking goes. Thankfully so far, we've mostly just lived our lives and I try to steer conversations away from these topics for now.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> No worries, and I did not intend anything negative to you, other than the caution about word choice.
> 
> My day started with my dog having a seizure, then after dropping 1k at the vet, I got a nail in my tire as I went to pick him up. So, not much a message board could do to make it worse!


Sorry about your dog. I just went through something similar with my dog. Ok not so similar but let’s just say she was sick. Anyway my first thoughts were that I had been running my mouth here or somewhere. Maybe another forum. And then my dog got sick. I figured I was getting my karma for being so rude to others. The universe hit me where it hurt.

I swallowed my pride and got rid of my bad juju. Threw myself on the mercy of God, the universe whatever you want to call it.

My dog got better. But it was a painful reminder. Nah, I’m not crazy. I honestly feel like when we put out negativity, we get back negatively. Even if we feel like ‘they deserved it.’

/ end thread jack


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The problem is that both sides demonize the other side, also none of the information that is given by each respective team (Fox/CNN-MSNBC) is vetted by the audience and is instead believed as gospel (very much like religion.) If you Do disagree you are seen as a heretic and often shunned by the group. In fact once you start to understand this dynamic it really gets disturbing. I find it works very much like the evangelicals I was exposed to when I was growing up. Which is why I am sure I was able to identify it and am disgusted.

If you think you are an atheist but are extremely partizan you are not you are probably more religious then most people.

American news networks are in the business of getting people to watch for their adverting dollars, yes that have their brands but it's really all about money. It's Coke and Pepsi. The hosts are concerned about their brands just like the celebrity chefs and designers are on other cable networks. Ever notice how their rhetoric changes when they leave one network and get hired by another? Do they lean a certain way? Sure everyone does but their presentation is very much a part of the whole view/clicks generating machine that is the network itself. That is true about the print media as well.

American political parties are in the business of getting votes. Nothing else, they don't really care about solving problems. 

All you need to do if you are Republican is look at the commitment your party has to balancing budgets and slowing down spending. When there was a Democrat President that was all we heard about. Now not so much. The current president has outspent his predecessor every year of his presidency, and that was before covid. You can't tell me you are all about balancing budgets and financial responsibility and then go and do that.

If you are a Democrat all you need to look to is Seattle and all the unrest, the last Republican Mayor of Seattle was in 1969. That means there hasn't been a politically appointed position made by a Republican in that city in over 50 years. Yet the Democrat party would have you believe that the issue and responsibility of police reform is all on the Republicans, when the truth is policing is done by local jurisdiction. There is not one Republican city council member, but there is a member of the Trotskyist political party. I mean you have to be less then serious if you try to blame the current crisis on Republicans, there are no Republicans left to run that city. Good way to avoid the Elephant in the room though. I mean who are they protesting? All you hear about is how bad things are run, well who is running them?

Portland - it's 1980. No Republicans on the city council.

Minneapolis - where this all started, it's 1961, unless you count the independent who was elected in 1969 and the Republican who served for one day in 73. No Republican city council members there either.

Given what I just stated, if you say you are for change (and I personally am when it comes to police brutality and balanced spending) you can NOT be supportive of these parties who have been in charge for decades and decades. 

This is the point, your parties treat you like you are fools. The truth is hyper partizans make fools out of all of us.

That whole dynamic can be played out in a marriage.

All that said OP if you wife starts to demonize you that is going to be a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> If we get politics here on TAM , outside of special political corner, you are going to lose a lot of members. I start feeling like I am in Fox News corner..


Since this thread is not in the Politics forum, a member's political leanings should not be the the topic of replies. Instead posts should be limited to how to address it when one's spouse becomes more radical politically over time to the point that it's hurting the relationship.

The thread was not reported to the moderators until yesterday. I cleaned up a lot of the political posting. Now that I have time again to look at it, I'll probably be deleting more posts.


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## JTodd (Sep 15, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Since this thread is not in the Politics forum, a member's political leanings should not be the the topic of replies. Instead posts should be limited to how to address it when one's spouse becomes more radical politically over time to the point that it's hurting the relationship.
> 
> The thread was not reported to the moderators until yesterday. I cleaned up a lot of the political posting. Now that I have time again to look at it, I'll probably be deleting more posts.


 I've tried since my original post to keep things focused on my specific issue and not make personal politics a focal point, as I don't consider it relevant.

I think that for the most part replies have respected that and I'm genuinely grateful and impressed with most of the replies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JTodd said:


> I've tried since my original post to keep things focused on my specific issue and not make personal politics a focal point, as I don't consider it relevant.
> 
> I think that for the most part replies have respected that and I'm genuinely grateful and impressed with most of the replies.


I think me and another mod deleted all the way put there political rant type posts before you got back here to read them.

If you see a post that you feel is attacking, out of line, etc. you can report it using the pulldown menu that opens when you click on the 3 vertical dots at the top right of each post. Then a moderator will take a look and decide what action to take. Keep in mind that the moderators here are volunteer with no set schedule. So it might take a bit for us to get to the report.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If the two of you maintain your respect for each others opinions, there's no reason to worry. My husband and I couldn't be more opposite if we tried, we're opposite on just about everything pmsl, and we are great together. Our differing views often lead to long discussions between us, and sometimes our perspective changes.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

your wife sounds like she is easily led.
try leading her yourself....into a more productive arena! 
If she has a need to be "woke", for instance, maybe she can volunteer at a head trauma recovery hospital...things like that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well you can have two different takes, one is that you are not political and not to waste your time. Doesn't mean she won't. Continuing with my religious theory, she may then see you as an unbeliever needing to be converted. Worst still if you are not pursued, then you may be a sinner who she must shunned because of the nature of your sin, and it's potential to taint her standing in her religious community.

If not you can try to keep the conversation on the results you would like to achieve by your politics and why you believe those results would be best served by your political thinking. To do that effectively though you are going to need to understand and anticipate her political thinking. If you can do so she may be open to your desire for change and be willing to disagree with how to make it happen.

For instance you might argue that a large social net has the opposite affect of empowering people but only perpetuates poverty in the long run, as the desire to earn money is a big motivating factor in eliminating poverty, giving away that money eliminates that desire. So your solution might be different but you can agree that there is a need to empower people, and give them the ability to eliminate poverty. That is a much better way to argue the point then - I am not paying for those deadbeats. 

But a lot of this really does goes back to my whole politics as a religion idea. If it's her religion then she is not going to be persuaded by logical arguments, nor will she be willing to compromise. She my very well demonize your opinion and you. This is the basic problem with the assholes who are involved with our body politic today. It operates more like a cult then anything else, by both sides.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Someone mentioned your wife may have a social media problem. Would you agree?

Might I suggest watching a documentary together on Netflix? The Social Dilemma. A caveat--I haven't watched it yet but my husband has and reports it is excellent. It deals with manipulative technology and social media algorithms. This might help your wife see that manipulation _may_ be at play and you will be involved in a nonconfrontational way.


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