# Cant breath



## Laceymick03

My husband is bipolar as well as narcissistic tendencies. He is also 100% veteran with ptsd and the cherry on top is hes also an addict. We recently got in a fight and because we were loud the police were called and he got a domestic violence...or so we thought as in court some how theu charged him with assualt and battery. We have a no contact order so after 15yrs of marriage we have not spoken or seen eachother in almost a month. You end up feeling like yoh have an extra child that is a million times worse as he has a license as well as a wallet. As mine spends all "his money" when manic. As due to us living on his va money and ssdi. So he has through the years been gone added up 3 to 4 years doing rehab, some program at the va near our home, or the psych ward. However when he leaves he takes the money and says the time away we can work on ourselves. Well he is doing therapy. I saw he has yoga and gets to be around all new people and get out of his head. My working on me is getting a job asap, paying the bills, raising our 10yr old, being mom and dad.....so my time to do me.......is NON EXISTENT.....i feel so alone as half my body feels like its missing. I get home and want to tell him something and the house is empty or im sobbing because i feel so much...too much. And want comfort and reassurance and to be in his arms. However, i feel like he is done im sick...i want to lay in the dark and cry until im void. But cant because when my son hears me cry he goes to his abandonment and begs me not to cry while crying himself.....There is so much more as 15yrs is a long timey to mess things up, fight, love, learn......bit right now i cant breath it hurts so bad...i dont know how to put 1 foot in front of the other.....please help? I want to understand what the roller coaster ride in front of me looks like?


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## TJW

Laceymick03 said:


> My working on me is getting a job asap, paying the bills, raising our 10yr old, being mom and dad.....


 This is RIGHT. Go with this..... Stay with this.



Laceymick03 said:


> so my time to do me.......is NON EXISTENT....


Right, again. Put your son, his welfare, your family relationship with him, his proper upbringing, and meeting his needs "first"...."second", "third"....and "fourth". Put "me" NOWHERE, your son and family EVERYWHERE.



Laceymick03 said:


> My husband is bipolar


SFW ? This is irrelevant. "Bipolar" is a descriptive syndrome which is useful to mental health professionals in the prescription of treatment and therapy. To you, and your son, it is meaningless.



Laceymick03 said:


> as well as narcissistic tendencies


Narcissism is a CHOICE made by the narcissist. He needs to suck it up and become a man instead of a child. His son does not need a child father. In fact, your son is better off with NO father than with a child father.



Laceymick03 said:


> He is also 100% veteran with ptsd


I thank him for his service and extend my respect to him for that. Many veterans of many different combat situations have had to fight with this, I get it. I know it's difficult, and requires that he seek professional help.



Laceymick03 said:


> hes also an addict.


The root of addiction is narcissism. He needs to make better choices.



Laceymick03 said:


> We have a no contact order so after 15yrs of marriage we have not spoken or seen eachother in almost a month.


Right, again. Keep it, the way you've got it.

The "15 years" is irrelevant. Not even God can change the past. Put your husband less than nowhere... let him fix his own issues. 



Laceymick03 said:


> when my son hears me cry he goes to his abandonment and begs me not to cry while crying himself.....


Your son is right, too. 

Psalms 8:2 (KJV) 

_Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast Thou ordained strength......_ 



Laceymick03 said:


> I want to understand what the roller coaster ride in front of me looks like?


Ok. If your life remains a "roller coaster", there is going to be a train wreck.... just that simple.... and, the casualties of that wreck are going to be your son and yourself.

Don't worry about the 300 yards of roller coaster track you have in front of you. Look, instead, at the next few feet, only. Bring your sledge hammer. Make that next few feet of track straight, stout, and anchor it with many spikes, TODAY, before you and your son ride over it. 

Bring your hammer again tomorrow, and make tomorrow's track straighter and tighter than today's. You will begin to see, within the next several days, what is not a "roller coaster", but a smooth, sturdy, low-risk track which is fit for you and your son to ride upon.


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## Married but Happy

You are doing all you can, but have reached your limit. It's often called caregiver burnout, and it is a serious problem for your health and well-being. If you can't find a solution soon to the issues that are harming you, then you need to leave for your own health, and for your son's sake as well. This living environment is harmful to him as well.


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## aine

Lacey Mick, this is the life when married to an addict/alcoholic. They get to go to therapy, counselling, rehab, etc while you get to stay behind, keep everything together with little help or support.

I suggest you join SoberRecovery.com friends and family forum for some sage advice from people in the exact same position.
YOu have to take the focus of your AH and work on you. Join Al-Anon/Nar Anon for support. If kids old enough they may join the teenage equivalents. Addiction is a family disease, you are all sick due to AH behaviour.
YOU should also read Melodie Beattie's Co-dependent No more.
Living with an addict/alcoholic is like being on a roller coaster, it just wears you down, the broken promises, the resentment, the lies, the spending, etc. You need to find your balance, you can only do this by getting help.
When you do this, you will detach, that is the best way of dealing with your AH.
Remember addiction is life long, sometimes it will get worse and never better. It can destroy you and your boy, your are reaching the edge. Do what is right by your boy, remove him from this hell and look out for yourselves. Let your AH fend for himself.


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## frustratedinphx

TJW said:


> Right, again. Put your son, his welfare, your family relationship with him, his proper upbringing, and meeting his needs "first"...."second", "third"....and "fourth". Put "me" NOWHERE, your son and family EVERYWHERE.
> 
> SFW ? This is irrelevant. "Bipolar" is a descriptive syndrome which is useful to mental health professionals in the prescription of treatment and therapy. To you, and your son, it is meaningless.
> 
> Narcissism is a CHOICE made by the narcissist. He needs to suck it up and become a man instead of a child. His son does not need a child father. In fact, your son is better off with NO father than with a child father.


I *disagree* with most of the above other than "narcism is a choice"... Just like depression & other mental illness, Bipolar affects everyone around you- no one more than the people you live with. These are ignorant and cruel things to say to someone dealing with it. Put yourself in her shoes.

I'm sorry to hear you sound so sad & exhausted. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other when walking through darkness. Please hang in there. You DO need to care for yourself. Can you trade sitting time with a friend to give yourself a break. It's not good for your health to be so stressed out & it's harder to be a good parent. Just like on an airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask 1st before you assist others.

I agree with reading "Co-Dependent No More" & "The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents". Changing your mindset won't happen overnight, but daily reminders help. You know you're strong, but also you have to be kind... to yourself. I believe in you.


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## arbitrator

*Re: Can't breathe*

* @Laceymick03 ~ I believe that it certainly would not do you any harm to go get thoroughly physically checked out by a good MD, as well as spending some quality time regarding this matter with a good personal counselor(IC).*


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