# Every other weekend parents



## Herschel

I did a search for this and I couldn't find anything about it. I do not mean to offend as, if this pertains to you, but I never understood every other weekend parents. When your kids live with one parent for 10 out of 14 days or more (assuming Wednesdays too). I guess this isn't as prevalent as it used to be, and it's mostly guys I'd imagine, but I never understood how people could do this.

There are circumstances I guess. My sister's husband had a kid at like 23 and he was still sleeping on his parent's couch. She got married later and started up a life before he grew up (ish) and found my sister and they have 2 kids now. He only saw her every other weekend and Wednesdays, but I get that as he didn't live in the district and she had a home and by the time he was capable of supporting her in a place, she was already entrenched in her life. 

While I can understand, it makes me feel like he wasn't really involved in her life. To the parents who CAN support their kids on their own and don't, it amazes me. I hate when my boys are gone for any period of time (and my kids drive me nuts). I have more of an unusual situation, I have them Tuesday evening through Saturday night. We switch twice a week, which allows us to see them an extra day. I have them more and she often travels for work, so, it's even more than that. 

How do part-time parents reconcile that in their heads. Do they think the kids are better off with the other parent? Or they just don't want to be bothered? I dated a woman who's husband left, did the part time parent thing and started a new family with another woman. I don't get it.


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## happy2gether

my oldest lived with his mom and I had him every other weekend and certain holidays plus a few weeks in the summer. This was not by choice, it was how the courts laid things out. We had joint custody, but she had primary physical custody. In all honesty until seeing many posts here on TAM I had rarely even heard of a near 50/50 physical custody. MS courts still believe that is too unstable and disruptive to the child as they are constantly going back and forth. As a parent I can certainly see wanting it, but then again I can see why in most cases it would also be a pain for the children.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez

Here in Texas court lays it out clearly. Mom gets primary custody. Dad gets Wednesday nights and every other weekend and holidays. 50/50 custody almost never happens. Texas courts feel it affects the kids daily lives and not having one main home.


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## Rowan

My ex-husband is an every-other-weekend parent. In our case, it's because he can't be bothered. His original plan when we divorced was that he wanted to have our son one weekend a month. Period. I took $30K less in equity in the house in order get him to agree to accept physical custody for more than the 2 days a month he wanted. Yeah, basically, he had to be paid off to spend time with his son.

So, he sees his child Friday through Sunday evening and on Tuesday afternoons. If things get "boring" at his house, he has other plans, or our son's presence is in any way inconvenient, he often asks to cut short or even cancel his weekends. He won't have our son overnight on Tuesdays because getting him to school would be inconvenient. He couldn't do the more typical Wednesday evening because that's one of his poker nights. We're supposed to alternate holidays, but sometimes my ex-husband declines to have our son for his designated time. 

But, none of that is any real surprise. My ex-husband was never an involved parent - something of which even our son seems to have long been aware. The primary male parental figure in our son's life is, and always has been, my father.


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## 3Xnocharm

Herschel said:


> How do part-time parents reconcile that in their heads. Do they think the kids are better off with the other parent? Or they just don't want to be bothered? I dated a woman who's husband left, did the part time parent thing and started a new family with another woman. I don't get it.


Why would you make negative assumptions about parents with this arrangement? 50/50 custody is incredibly disruptive for the children, in my opinion. My arrangement was not quite 50/50, but it was more disruptive than I would have preferred, but for the sake of peace, I went with it. I had my daughter slightly more than her dad did. She would stay with her dad Wed through Sun every other week, and on the alternate weeks would stay over on Thursday night. Sad part was that even though he had her more than most other dads he barely involved in her life at all. He's paying for that mistake now, at 19 she has cut him out of her life. Hell, I was open enough that he could have seen her any time he wanted to, had he just asked....

I get pissed with reference to "part time parents". I see people use that term all the time. If you are a GOOD parent, you are NEVER a part time parent! Just because your child may not be in your physical presence does not mean you are any less their parent! Work with your ex to co-parent, that is the biggest gift you can give your children. Both should be attending school functions, and sporting events, and sharing in driving to any practices and lessons, etc. You are only a part time parent if you choose to be, and in my opinion that makes you a sh!t parent.


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## Herschel

Your circumstance is similar to my step daughter's, but clearly it's different that parents that are involved and do the 50/50. I split closer to 60/40 or even more, and my ex-wife kinda just used the boys as an accessory during their time with her. I did most of the parenting. I sort of still do, but she has gotten better, mostly because I have made her. 

Nobody can really determine what is best for the kids in terms of time spent with the parents. Divorce sucks and it will always have a negative impact on the children. I am more concerned with the thought process of the parents. If the every other weekend parent says that they did it so have a more stable life for their kids, ok, I get that. I don't know if I could do that, but I get it.


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## GuyInColorado

I'm going for 50/50 and my STBX wants me to have them 2 days a week. We'll see, hopefully don't have to go to court. Mediation is in a couple weeks. If she fights me, I'm going to make her sell the house, which is the only thing she wants. So that's that I have over her head. 

Definitely makes sense keeping kids in the same house on M-F during school, less disruption. We'll see. I want at least 3 days a week. She thinks it's because I just want less CS payments. I want to see my kids!!


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## NobodySpecial

Herschel said:


> I did a search for this and I couldn't find anything about it. I do not mean to offend as, if this pertains to you, but I never understood every other weekend parents. When your kids live with one parent for 10 out of 14 days or more (assuming Wednesdays too). I guess this isn't as prevalent as it used to be, and it's mostly guys I'd imagine, but I never understood how people could do this.
> 
> There are circumstances I guess. My sister's husband had a kid at like 23 and he was still sleeping on his parent's couch. She got married later and started up a life before he grew up (ish) and found my sister and they have 2 kids now. He only saw her every other weekend and Wednesdays, but I get that as he didn't live in the district and she had a home and by the time he was capable of supporting her in a place, she was already entrenched in her life.
> 
> While I can understand, it makes me feel like he wasn't really involved in her life. To the parents who CAN support their kids on their own and don't, it amazes me. I hate when my boys are gone for any period of time (and my kids drive me nuts). I have more of an unusual situation, I have them Tuesday evening through Saturday night. We switch twice a week, which allows us to see them an extra day. I have them more and she often travels for work, so, it's even more than that.
> 
> How do part-time parents reconcile that in their heads. Do they think the kids are better off with the other parent? Or they just don't want to be bothered? I dated a woman who's husband left, did the part time parent thing and started a new family with another woman. I don't get it.


If it were me, and I hope it never is, I would want to strike a balance between
1. Wanting them with me as much as I could get.
2. Recognizing that they want and need Dad as much as they could get.
3. Recognizing that we should minimize destructive swaps as much as possible.

So for me, I think I would try for 1.5 - 2 weeks on and 1.5 - 2 weeks off. Not 100% sure since it is not reality for me.


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## NobodySpecial

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Here in Texas court lays it out clearly. Mom gets primary custody. Dad gets Wednesday nights and every other weekend and holidays. 50/50 custody almost never happens. Texas courts feel it affects the kids daily lives and not having one main home.


So instead they leave their home on a WEDNESDAY?? For a single day? That is not disruptive? Kids are more flexible than people think. Denying a child his or her parent is the worst.


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## Corpuswife

I am not sure why you are asking? It's my belief that kids do better in a healthy two parent home.

However, in the real world it doesn't always work out that way.

So....hopefully, the parents want to do what is BEST for the children. 

Best is different for families. It depends on age; parent work schedules; etc.

When my kids father and I divorced, I had a teen still left at home. She had a car. She choose to do a week on and week off. However, we were quite flexible in our arrangements. 

I hated that I didn't get to see my kids on a daily basis.


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## bkyln309

I wanted to do one week on and one week off all year. The court said no and dictated we go to the every other weekend thing for the kids. Its a standard agreement in my state. I wish my ex would take them more during the week but he doesnt.


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## Holland

It is standard here for 50/50 and IME is by far the best thing for the kids as long as both parents are normal people and have the kids best interests at heart.

We have done 50/50 from day one and always made sure the kids had two complete homes, their own bedroom, clothes and whatever they need at both houses. 

Over 6 years down the track, kids are outstanding humans. all getting excellent educations, no trouble with drugs etc. They are happy and well grounded people.


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## norajane

Herschel said:


> How do part-time parents reconcile that in their heads. Do they think the kids are better off with the other parent? Or they just don't want to be bothered? I dated a woman who's husband left, did the part time parent thing and started a new family with another woman. I don't get it.


One of the guys at work did exactly that. He loves his kids, but he travels a lot for work, he likes his job, and wouldn't consider leaving it without some huge payday first. So when he got divorced, he became an every-other-weekend dad while his wife kept the kids full time since he traveled for work anyway.

Then he met someone, remarried and they had a child, and will probably have more. Now, it is this wife that is raising the kid/s while he's away on business. He's a dad when he's at home, and he sees his kids from the first marriage, so they are a blended family sometimes.


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## Corpuswife

I live in Texas


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## Herschel

My current situation is my step daughter is one week back and forth and my boys split bi-weekly. I def prefer bi-weekly as I see them 5 days and my ex sees them 4 (she is def more of a hand off mom). Of course I'd rather have them full time, and most normal parents would. That isn't the question. I wouldn't be able to say, stay with your mom 10 out of 14 days. I would never be happy with that.

As long as you both live in he same school district, it's not that bad. My ex brings them to my bus stop and they come here too she can pick them up on Monday noght.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chatabox

My ex is an every other weekend parent, and it drives me nuts! I was pushing for 50/50, but it wouldn't work out due to his job. So we agreed on every Friday and every other weekend. He's supposed to have them public holidays too, but doesn't. He also complains on FB about how much he misses his babies, but doesn't try to call them or talk to them during the week. He's a dad so he can look good in the eyes of the newest women he's dating, unfortunately. 

The saddest thing is that he kicked us out when my youngest was one. I've been in my current relationship for over 2 years now, and they see him as "dad". I never encouraged it, but they like calling him that. And you can tell my ex talks about it with them, as the come home and say "X isn't my daddy, he's just my step-dad". And that's a term I've never used. I hate that he can't step up as a parent, but can't let someone else be the parent he doesn't want to be.


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## Holland

chatabox said:


> My ex is an every other weekend parent, and it drives me nuts! I was pushing for 50/50, but it wouldn't work out due to his job. So we agreed on every Friday and every other weekend. He's supposed to have them public holidays too, but doesn't. He also complains on FB about how much he misses his babies, but doesn't try to call them or talk to them during the week. He's a dad so he can look good in the eyes of the newest women he's dating, unfortunately.
> 
> The saddest thing is that he kicked us out when my youngest was one. *I've been in my current relationship for over 2 years now, and they see him as "dad". I never encouraged it, but they like calling him that. And you can tell my ex talks about it with them, as the come home and say "X isn't my daddy, he's just my step-dad". And that's a term I've never used. *I hate that he can't step up as a parent, but can't let someone else be the parent he doesn't want to be.


You may not have encouraged them calling your partner dad but you have created a bad situation by not discouraging it. Are you married? If not then he isn't their step dad. Have you thought about the confusion you are setting up in their minds? They have a dad, OK you don't approve of or like him but he is their dad and he is in their lives.


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## chatabox

Holland said:


> You may not have encouraged them calling your partner dad but you have created a bad situation by not discouraging it. Are you married? If not then he isn't their step dad. Have you thought about the confusion you are setting up in their minds? They have a dad, OK you don't approve of or like him but he is their dad and he is in their lives.




We are engaged, and to be married very shortly. We mutually decided on a nickname for him that's kind of like daddy but not quite. They use it the majority of the time, but dad has started slipping out. 

I don't like my ex, but that's my issue and not my children's. I always call him dad when speaking to the kids about him in any context, and I'm constantly trying encourage their dad to reach out to them, or talk to them, or see them for dinner, or take them to school. I'm also sending him pics and updates on a near daily basis. But I can only do so much. I can't force him to care. 

They have known my partner for the majority of their lives. I can't force them not to call him daddy if that's what they see him as.


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## daddymikey1975

I've been divorced for almost 3 years now and of the four kids from my marriage, our oldest son (13 now) wanted to love with me from the beginning full time. My ex and I agreed. My other kids are here for a week at a time, every other week. Our time starts Friday night after I get off work. 

I take them to school in the mornings and head off to work. My ex picks them up from school and makes sure they get homework done. I get them after work and we go home (this is during the weeks that I have them). 

For summer we continue the week on week off and during my weeks, I have a sitter come over to the house to watch them. 

Next year I'm going to pay for after school care to remove the ex picking them up from school thing because it takes me an hour to leave work, get kids from her, and get us all home. The school is one mile from my house and would speed things up and allow me more time in the evenings. 

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## Holland

chatabox said:


> We are engaged, and to be married very shortly. We mutually decided on a nickname for him that's kind of like daddy but not quite. They use it the majority of the time, but dad has started slipping out.
> 
> I don't like my ex, but that's my issue and not my children's. I always call him dad when speaking to the kids about him in any context, and I'm constantly trying encourage their dad to reach out to them, or talk to them, or see them for dinner, or take them to school. I'm also sending him pics and updates on a near daily basis. But I can only do so much. I can't force him to care.
> 
> They have known my partner for the majority of their lives. *I can't force them not to call him daddy if that's what they see him as.*


Yes you can. You are the adult and you can easily correct them and teach them otherwise. But it sounds like you want them to call their step dad "daddy". 

So when your ex finds a new partner you will be thrilled when the kids come home and refer to her as "mummy"?


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## chatabox

Holland said:


> Yes you can. You are the adult and you can easily correct them and teach them otherwise. But it sounds like you want them to call their step dad "daddy".
> 
> 
> 
> So when your ex finds a new partner you will be thrilled when the kids come home and refer to her as "mummy"?




They call their father dad. I have never asked them not to, and I have never referred to him in front of the kids as anything other then dad. How is that me not wanting him as their father? 

There is nothing I need to correct my children on. The call their father dad, and they call their step dad "daddy." But they normally call him another nickname, and there's nothing wrong with that either.


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## Holland

chatabox said:


> They call their father dad. I have never asked them not to, and I have never referred to him in front of the kids as anything other then dad. How is that me not wanting him as their father?
> 
> There is nothing I need to correct my children on. The call their father dad, and they call their step dad "daddy." But they normally call him another nickname, and there's nothing wrong with that either.


Will you be happy when they call their step mum "mummy"? It is a simple question.


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## chatabox

I don't mind. If my ex finds someone who is worthy enough in his eyes to marry and spend his life and share his family with, then she would be able to be called whatever the kids wanted her to be. It's not my decision to make.


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## chatabox

"They call their father dad. I have never asked them not to, and I have never referred to him in front of the kids as anything other then dad. How is that me not wanting him as their father?"


It's a simple question, but I noticed you decided not to answer it, yet called me out on mine. So I'm interested to hear your answer.


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## Holland

chatabox said:


> "They call their father dad. I have never asked them not to, and I have never referred to him in front of the kids as anything other then dad. How is that me not wanting him as their father?"
> 
> It's a simple question...


I never said you didn't. What I said was that he has a right to be upset that you have allowed his children to call another man daddy. TBH it comes across as very passive aggressive, you don't like him as a father so you let your kids call another man daddy.


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## thread the needle

Holland said:


> Iit comes across as very passive aggressive, you don't like him as a father so you let your kids call another man daddy.


Agreed. 

There is plenty wrong with it but its not convenient because it doesn't match with emotions and wishes. 

I find it disgusting a mother doesn't fix this at every opportunity so the kids are not confused and the father is not short changed by the mother undermining him


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## momto2

chatabox said:


> They call their father dad. I have never asked them not to, and I have never referred to him in front of the kids as anything other then dad. How is that me not wanting him as their father?
> 
> There is nothing I need to correct my children on. The call their father dad, and they call their step dad "daddy." But they normally call him another nickname, and there's nothing wrong with that either.


My daughter calls my ex "Papi" (spanish for daddy). He was around since she was 2 and was really the one who raised her. Her biological father saw her maybe twice a year (his choice...he lives only a few miles away). She calls her biological dad "daddy" but she didn't invite him to her H.S. graduation which is in a few weeks. Kids are smarter than we think. I never bad-mouthed her dad in front of her. I didn't have to since he made himself look bad by his actions.


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## lovingwife2016

totally off topic, but how do i make my own topic? like where do i click to do it

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## daddymikey1975

My ex was engaged and my kids came over talking about "when mom gets married, we're going to have two dads" I corrected them and said "no, you will only ever have one dad. James will be your step dad if they get married" 

Kids understood and it never came up again. 

Ironically, he recently threatened my kids (unrelated to the step dad discussion) with a tazer and they're now going through a break up and he's moving out lol

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## homedepot

For most it's called a court order that they give depressed moms who are mad that baby daddy/husband left.

It is not a great idea to split time during school time. Hence why weekend dads were born.


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## chatabox

thread the needle said:


> Agreed.
> 
> There is plenty wrong with it but its not convenient because it doesn't match with emotions and wishes.
> 
> I find it disgusting a mother doesn't fix this at every opportunity so the kids are not confused and the father is not short changed by the mother undermining him




The father is not being short changed. It's his actions as a "bare minimum" father that has made his children seek fatherly affection elsewhere. He chose to have them as little as legally possible. He chooses to not attend school meetings, functions, parent interviews ect. He chooses to not pay child support. They still call him dad. They know he is their only true father. Nothing in that respect has changed. But when my child has known her step-dad as her father figure for more then half of her lifetime, then of course that is going to have an effect on them.


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## jdawg2015

My mother abandoned my father and I ended up in multiple foster homes while my "mother" lived in a schmancy house with her new husband.

I think for some people it's denial, for others it's getting away from their past. For others its being selfish. I think these kinds of relationships do a lot of damage to kids when a parent does not really put effort to spending time with them. Kids just know....


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## jdawg2015

Yup, and the issue is the kids resentment and taking sides won't be felt by her for years but eventually it will come out.

She's putting them in the middle

The guy is not with them 24/7 but it does appear he's part of their lives and had not abandoned his role as dad.

Having your new boyfriend calling them daddy is not fair to them or your ex husband.



thread the needle said:


> Agreed.
> 
> There is plenty wrong with it but its not convenient because it doesn't match with emotions and wishes.
> 
> I find it disgusting a mother doesn't fix this at every opportunity so the kids are not confused and the father is not short changed by the mother undermining him


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## lovingwife2016

when my parents (mom and step dad) (real dad died when i was 8) divorced at age 9, they did the typical Wednesday and every other weekend, but my parents were and still are with my younger sisters (15,16) whenever they want to see their dad they can, no matter who's weekend it technically is


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