# porn addiction, child porn, emotional affair, cyber stalking, escorts, drugs, etc..



## WifeOfATroubledMan (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm a SAHM to two children (one boy, one girl) under the age of 4.
My husband of 4 years has always been an amazing father (plays with the kids, reads to them every night, etc..) and a great roommate (helps clean up on the weekends, makes dinner at least once a week, etc..) and a wonderful provider (no savings but no debt, and he always paid the bills; he spent more on himself and our son than he allowed me to spend on myself or our daughter but we had enough)....but as a spouse he's been increasingly emotionally absent, distant, and disinterested.

Last year I found out he had been lying to me about his age. He was actually 5 years older than he told me he was. That was my big wake up call. After finding out that I had blindly believed such an obvious lie (in three years of marriage, all I had to do was check his drivers license and I never did...I just believed him, I was so naive), I began noticing alot of holes in his stories. Within 4 months of finding out about his real age, I realized that he is a compulsive liar. He lies about anything and everything. What he ate for lunch. Conversations he had on his smoke breaks at work. Where he bought something. Stupid things that I wouldn't even bother asking about, he'd come up to me and offer me a lie for seemingly no reason.
I started checking internet history and snooping in his Facebook account whenever he left it open. I found that he had developed an emotional affair with a female co-worker whom he told me he hated. She had no idea that he felt that way towards her, despite her mild flirtations, the feelings seemed to be one-sided as he did stalk her on Facebook without her knowledge. I also found that he had been looking at local escort pages (though he never seems to have used one in real life, I think it was only a matter of time). And that he had been watching alot of porn, many times just moments after rejecting my advances.

I dragged him to marriage counseling but of course that didn't help. He swore up and down that he did nothing wrong and I was just crazy.
Around this time he became violent. Never hit me nor the children but he punched a hole through our bedroom door and broke the baby gate at the top of our stairs and in general just started screaming all the time with seemingly very little to trigger him.

The final straw was when I found he had been downloading child porn. Mostly females aged 10-15 years old.
At first I tried to let him explain it away. A virus. Hackers. I wanted to believe him. He's such a wonderful father, I didn't want to worry about our daughter's safety with him. But I eventually came to my senses.
I called the cops and my husband was arrested.

When the cops came to search our house and seize evidence, they found drugs.
Shortly after my husband was released on bail I demanded access to our joint bank account (in the past he always insisted that I didn't need to know the password to view our online bank statements). I went through the last 6 months of bank statements and I found he made more money than he told me he did. In six months he had spent nearly $5,000 on Facebook games, drugs, porn websites, and his collection of toy figurines.

At first I was dead set on divorce but then I decided to stay...don't ask me why I'm staying, I have no clue.

He's done everything I've asked to try and make things up to me.
In the last 3 months:
- I've taken over our family's finances and started putting emergency money aside in my name only (he is aware of and supports this).
- We've gone back to marriage counseling with a mutual desire to work on us.
- He's started individual counseling.
- He's come clean to this female co-worker about Facebook stalking and masturbating to her photos, then cut all contact with her.
- He's stopped watching all porn. (3 months clean, but that sucess is probably due to lack of access. The cops took his computers and I monitor his access to mine.)
- He's stopped doing drugs. (again, lack of access since I now write the monthly budget and monitor how he spends his extra cash)

There is an on-going police investigation and he is looking at possible jail time. Def loosing his job, just don't know when. And when he looses his job, we will have to move. (We currently live overseas for his career.)

I've done alot of reading.
I've found information on regressed pedophiles and how they actually prefer adults but in times of stress will regress back to an age range that they were traumatized during, and the attraction to children of that age is merely an extension of their regression.
I've found information on how some porn addicts will watch a certain type of porn which they would never act out in real life. Like straight men who become obsessed with gay porn. 

I've started looking into how I can protect my own children. Obviously teaching any child about boundaries is a good idea but also, for my children, never leaving them alone with their father.
I'm considering wiring our house with nanny-cams and putting a key logger onto my computer. Just grasping at straws trying to figure out the best way to make sure my daughter isn't raped by her father the way I was raped by mine.

I've been an off-and-on lurker on your boards for about 9 months. I think at one point I created a point I created a profile but I don't remember anymore.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The lying, the yelling, the EA and the adult porn are all issues that could possibly be resolved.

The child porn?!
*Take your kids and run, lady. You didn't state how old your kids are, but think about what could happen when your daughter reaches 10 years of age if she hasn't already...
*
These animals do not rehabilitate. Nearly all will resort back to child porn unless they are in forced isolation.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

You need to focus on protecting your kids. The only way you can do that is getting your daughter away from him.

I'm sorry, but you are trying to justify his interest in child porn by talking about regression and such. It's just excuses. Protect your daughter. You're the adult. She needs you to ensure her safety.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> At first I was dead set on divorce but then I decided to stay...don't ask me why I'm staying, I have no clue.


I'm sorry you're going through this...one of the worst things I've ever read on the net.

You need to start making plans to exit. Why are you staying? Is it because you think so little of yourself that you can't be without this POS? I know it's easier for me to say b/c I'm not a SAHM, but if I found out these things about my wife, the kids and I would be in a hotel that night.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

You have to leave, there is no conceivable good reason for staying with this man.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

First off I am really really sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine basically finding out that my husband is a 'stranger' to me.

You have to leave him though. I don't agree with the whole pedophiles just regressing and prefer adults stuff. To look at a child in a sexual way is disgusting and even more so when you have children of your own.

Is this really how you want to live your life? With nanny cams and key loggers to make sure your husband is not raping your daughter? Is it really fair to your daughter (or son) to stay when that is a valid worry? Especially since you have gone through it yourself?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What could you possibly be staying for? How do you know what has been a lie?

You've changed your life from being a wife to being a babysitter. You will be watching him the rest of your life.

Take your kids and RUN! Your responsibility is to your kids. If they are abused ONE TIME you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will ruin their lives. Whatever sadness or pain you have from leaving him, will be infinitesimally smaller compared to your children being sexually abused.

This is a question of when not if and you know it. WHEN they get stressed they revert. You are in the room with a time bomb saying you're watching the timer so it won't blow up on you. GET OUT OF THE EFFING ROOM!!!!!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I make no apologies for this statement, if you DON'T leave him now & if he sexually abuses your children, you will be just as culpable as him in the abuse BECAUSE you knew about his child porn use. 
Imagine looking into the face of your children & explaining to them that mommy was sorry but she just couldn't leave the man who hurt them. 
Your research into the porn & child porn was your way of looking for a reason to excuse your choice to stay with him.
You can't shame pedophilles into stopping the child porn, they're pedophilles, their issues go much deeper than just saying "no" to using a computer!
Pedophilles are opportunists, just when you think you can let your guard down is when he will strike.
You know this in your heart it's just a matter of when. 
Get yourself some intensive sexual abuse survivor therapy, this entire situation is just too sad.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Ok, Im going to give you some things to think about. You may not like what you are going to hear.

Your husband is a pedophile. Regardless of what you've read, he is a sexual deviant and can not be fixed! He is a broken machine that will never work properly. He has a sexual attraction to children. Im glad you have tried to educate yourself to try and understand why. From all of the studies, knowledge, interviews, case studies, etc... You have decided to only remember things that keep you in denial. I think he is beyond a pathological liar and quite possibly a sociopath. The man you have known all these years is a facade. I would be very suprised if he has not already sexually abused your children. There is a strong possibility he has taken photos of your children and used them for trade with other pedophiles. Get out of denial and move as far away as you can. He can not be helped. You are the mother of those children. It is your duty to protect them. You know what he is, remove your children. If I were a judge and you were considering keeping those children around him, I would sever your rights as their parent. Im sorry you are going through this but you cant fix this. If you choose to stay around him thats your choice, your children have to come first.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Add my voice to those saying, "PROTECT YOUR KIDS".


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sorry but if you are looking for sympathy you wont find it from me. It amazes me the people who know what they should or need to do but just don't. 

If this is even a real post and not a troll, one that almost seems scripted. Anyway, I have not sympathy for you, your kids maybe, because they can't help the position their mother has kept them in, or defend them selves. If you're looking for attention or to be the victim I'm sure there are people who will be happy to keep you cast in that role. 

This is no longer about your husband and his issues and what he done/doing, this is about YOU and why you stay. I'm sure you have 100 validations why, so good luck to ya!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Most of the things you mentioned you said your husband has stopped ALL of it. NEWSFLASH! Your husband is sick. Most people who have done the things he has, and to the extent he has, don't just all of a sudden stop. Not someone sick like that. 

If you are in counseling have you addressed the issue on WHY you stay? What have they told you they think it is. You said yourself you didn't know why. I think you probably do though.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

"I've started looking into how I can protect my own children."

Lady if you really wanted to protect your children you wouldn't still be with the man! 

You also stated how you wouldn't leave them alone with their father and you thought about wiring the house with cams! Are you serious? WOW what a life you will lead! NONE of this makes sense, zero! 

You are staying with a pedophile, keeping your kids under lock and key pretty much away from their father with cams in the house! Thats your protection? Its almost like you are keeping your own pedophile under lock and key with the cams etc, as a way to try and control the situation. Is this why you wont leave? You wont to control it. 

What kind of marriage/life will you have if you stay? You will need to be on guard 24 hrs a day pretty much, with the cams and all, and making sure your kids are not alone with him. How do you know he hasn't already done something to them before you found out about all of this?

Are you there for money? If so, your financial security must outweigh protection for your kids and you leaving a pedo. 

Were you abused as a child? Low self worth? 

Sorry, but your logic on this whole issue doesn't make sense it will likely not work.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

You need to be a responsible parent and get them and yourself away from this guy ASAP. I can't sugarcoat that, and if you stay with him and anything happens to your children, YOU will be 100% to blame for it. 

If I knew where you were I might call CPS, actually. Just think about that and how serious it must be for a complete stranger to say something that weird and stalkerish just to protect your child(ren).


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh, and in reference to your username, you are just as troubled as your "man," and I think you could benefit from IC to find out why you don't think you and your kids are worth protecting.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> I've done alot of reading.
> I've found information on regressed pedophiles and how they actually prefer adults but in times of stress will regress back to an age range that they were traumatized during, and the attraction to children of that age is merely an extension of their regression.
> I've found information on how some porn addicts will watch a certain type of porn which they would never act out in real life. Like straight men who become obsessed with gay porn.
> 
> ...


Have you ever done individual counseling (IC) to work out your own incest issues? It sounds like you're playing out a familiar script here....you were sexually abused by your father and now it seems somewhat comfortable and familiar to keep living in that sort of dynamic? If you haven't resolved your old issues, you're just going to keep repeating them. Unfortunately, that means that you're basically grooming your daughter to become a victim herself. If her own mother doesn't love her enough to protect her, how will she ever love herself enough to set appropriate boundaries and protect herself? 

And how is it that he's still living in your house. I used to work with CPS and there was no way in hell that a person arrested for child porn would be allowed out on bond to return to a house with children in it....that's usually the first bond condition for sex offenders!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I went back read the whole thing again, it just sounds kinda weird to me. Especially since he was arrested for child porn, I mean I would think he would still be in jail until his court date. 

She states she doesn't want her child to be raped by her father like she was by hers, well if thats the case, wouldn't logic say, you would do whatever you could to make sure that didn't happen by not staying with the very man who is a pedophile! If you stay you ARE putting your child in harms way.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Jamison said:


> I went back read the whole thing again, it just sounds kinda weird to me. Especially since he was arrested for child porn, I mean I would think he would still be in jail until his court date.
> 
> She states she doesn't want her child to be raped by her father like she was by hers, well if thats the case, wouldn't logic say, you would do whatever you could to make sure that didn't happen by not staying with the very man who is a pedophile! If you stay you ARE putting your child in harms way.


She also says they don't live in the states. So it might not be as strict where they are, right now. If they are forced to move back, more than likely after jail time, etc, they will have to adhere to laws of the state they move to, which may include not living with one's own children. 

But for this woman, while I would certainly be concerned for the safety of my own children, I would also be extremely concerned for the safety of her friends when she is older. And unless her H has a total transformation of who he is and what he has done and many many many hours of sex offender treatment, he will offend again.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Cherry said:


> She also says they don't live in the states. So it might not be as strict where they are, right now. If they are forced to move back, more than likely after jail time, etc, they will have to adhere to laws of the state they move to, which may include not living with one's own children.


Yes, this could be the case.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get out.
He has nothing but baggage to offer now and dangerous baggage at that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WifeOfATroubledMan (Jun 21, 2012)

In answers to your questions:

- I did 9 years of individual counseling for my past abuse before I met my husband.

- Child Protective Services were already called. I explained to our case worker that I had no intention of leaving my husband as I do not believe in divorce. We talked about plans for the future and my basic parenting style. Our case worker then wrote a glowing report in which she stated that I was a doting mother and that I showed strong protective instincts towards my children.

- The country where we currently live has a law that they can only hold a person for 24 hours before either releasing them or charging them. My husband was arrested on suspicion of child porn, held for 12 hours then released on bond. His bond condition stated that he must not live in our home and must not leave the country until either charges are dropped or he is charged.
Because my husband is an American citizen, working for the US government, living abroad, the jurisdiction was tricky. The initial arrest was done by the local police, but then the Americans asked for the case and now the Americans (OSI) are the ones investigating the case.
After the Americans took over the case, they allowed my husband to move back into our home, after first talking to me about who to call if I notice any further dangerous behaviors.

- I am quite certain that my husband has not done anything inappropriate with our children.
They are not even any where near the age range he was attracted to. They've never shown any signs of being abused in any manner (I know the red flags). And because my children are so young, they still have most of their needs met by me, and therefore have not spent alot of time alone with their father even before I found out his secret shame.

I understand that this is a sensitive topic and I of all people know how dangerous my husband's actions are. If I condoned his behavior then I never would have had him arrested in the first place.
It is estimated that 50-60% of pedophiles are married with children. Most of the personal stories I have read involved couples who divorced shortly after finding out the truth. I have however read about a dozen stories of women who've accepted their husbands back into the family after jail time was served and, with the proper support, they went on to be productive members of the family, who did not harm their children.

I can see that I've made a mistake and that this is not the appropriate place for me to reach out for any sort of marital support. Thank you all for your time and your thoughts but I don't believe I'll be posting anything further.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

If ANYTHING happens to your children & you chose to stay with this man it ia all on you head. How DARE you allow a potential child PREDATOR live in the same house as you kids???? I am astounded you have not left him , much less not done much worse. If I found out my husband had child porn I would probably be in jail for life if he wasnt sent there first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

May I ask what your original reason was coming here? Looking for support and validation to stay? To just share your story of what your husband has done, how he is changed stopped all of what he was doing and how you plan on staying regardless? I think we are all just trying to understand you thinking around the whole issue. I also see that because your story wasn't validated you feel its best to not post anything further, well thats your right I suppose.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Child porn is a deal breaker.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> In answers to your questions:
> 
> - I did 9 years of individual counseling for my past abuse before I met my husband.
> 
> ...


Just because you believe he hasnt (yet!) raped your own children does not mean he is safe to have around them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> I can see that I've made a mistake and that this is not the appropriate place for me to reach out for any sort of marital support. Thank you all for your time and your thoughts but I don't believe I'll be posting anything further.


There are forums for support that can understand some of what you are going through. prisontalkonline.com is one that comes to mind. There is a private section that deals directly with loving a sex offender... Very good support there. 

You are right, it is not something everyone can relate to, nor will they attempt to. 

My H made some mistakes when he was in his early 20's. And multiple labels followed him around for over a decade after, one's that made him an outcast, one's that made people look at him as a loser, etc. If you love your H and your family, you do what you need to do. If you know your children are safe with him, and you are comfortable with your decisions, that is what matters right now. 

Take care


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You believe he hasn't touched your kids and that he wont...well you also believed he was the age he says he was too....IMO you are as sick as the troubled man in which you continue to stay with...you have made excuses for him and for why you stay..you seem to still be in victim mode..if you had the amount of counseling you say you had..you would know that its best to NOT continue to put your kids in harms way...he had you snowballed once, and will have you snowballed again...

The more I think about it, the more I think this is a made up post...I truly believe if your husband had been looking at child porn he wouldn't have been released back into your home or around your kids..I don't think CPS would allow it either...just my thoughts.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

After thinking about this some more, I was about ready to call BS on the whole thing until I realized OP doesnt live in the states. 

Now I'm just angry and disgusted.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

A man who lies about the simplest things, who doesn't take your feelings into consideration, AND looks at porn of young children does NOT make him a good father no matter how you slice it. I'm sorry to say and I may be out of line, but anyone who downloads kiddie porn is a monster. Punching walls and behaving like a raving baby means you hit a major nerve and he will do anything to distract you.

Perhaps you stay with him because of your children. Perhaps you should leave him because of your children. Compulsive liars are hard to figure out and rarely change. They also have a tendency to actually BELIEVE their own lies as the truth, hence, his blowing up when you call him out. 

One more thing I would like to point out. If this man is indeed attracted to very young children, are your children safe from him? If he lies about what he had for lunch and how old he is, imagine the whoppers he's told you that you believe! I applaud you for trying to make it work, but you know deep in your heart that you must get away from this man. The "stand by your man" bullsh!t doesn't apply here. I know it is hard and very scary. Raising children as a single mother is one of the toughest jobs on Earth. Being married to a liar, druggie, kiddie porn watcher AND trying to raise your children is going to make it that much harder.

Now that you are onto him, you are not going to believe a word he says. My sister is a pathological liar and if she tells you the time, you better check your watch. Pretty soon you won't know what is truth and what is lies. You are going to question everything. He has already lost your trust which is a major part of a happy marriage.

Dig deep, examine your feelings. I think you already know what you have to do. You coming here and venting is a great start for you are going to need all the help you can get. Speak to a lawyer, see what your options are. I don't mean to frighten you, but you must take care of yourself and your children. In the end, you will do what is right it's just that you are facing a huge wall you need to climb and right now, you can't even see the top of the wall. It seems impossible. Why does life have to be so damned hard, right?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep coming back here to TAM and vent until you are exhausted. Get the poison off your chest, get some perspective, and keep your eyes and ears open with your husband. Watch your children like a hawk, this man is not father of the year, he is the enemy and you must protect your children. You were duped and married a man that doesn't exist. That should grounds for divorce right there. You will get there eventually, I have no doubt. You have A LOT to think about.

Good luck and keep us posted!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> Because my husband is an American citizen, working for the US government, living abroad, the jurisdiction was tricky.


His clearance...and his job are probably gone.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jamison said:


> May I ask what your original reason was coming here? Looking for support and validation to stay? To just share your story of what your husband has done, how he is changed stopped all of what he was doing and how you plan on staying regardless? I think we are all just trying to understand you thinking around the whole issue. I also see that because your story wasn't validated you feel its best to not post anything further, well thats your right I suppose.


I agree! :iagree:

I'm not real sure what the point was either. I didn't see any questions asked by her, if so or she was asking how to leave, or what she should do, then it might make more sense. But its not like that. Its story, of what he did, and how she plans on staying no matter what.


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## WifeOfATroubledMan (Jun 21, 2012)

Cherry- thank you. I will try the forum you recommended.

All of the blogs I've found are outdated- last posted in 2009/08.
I've found news articles and various other sources of stories but no way of contacting women who've been where I am right now.
Even healingwives.com, which has been an excellent resource, doesn't have a forum.

I know they exist. If 50-60% of pedophiles are married then there must be other wives out there somewhere.

I'm just tired of feeling so alone. I am looking for anyone who might understand what I am going through.

Thank you all again for your efforts in responding. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> Cherry- thank you. I will try the forum you recommended.
> 
> All of the blogs I've found are outdated- last posted in 2009/08.
> I've found news articles and various other sources of stories but no way of contacting women who've been where I am right now.
> ...


Just a note, you must register and be a member of prisontalk to even see that particular sub forum. 

I'll be honest, my H has a stat rape conviction against him from 1999. It continued to affect his life, our lives, etc... up until 2010. It was a difficult road to travel, living restrictions, not knowing if he would be able to live in the same house as his own children when they were born, etc, being the red dot on the map of our neighborhood... No one cares what the charge is, no one bothers to look, they just see sex offender. Such is life and we made it through and he no longer has to register by law. It was a 10 year registration.

You should be able to get some much needed support over at that forum.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

LEAVE HIM
PROTECT YOUR KIDS
LEAVE HIM
LEAVE
HIM

Why would you stay with something like that? I doubt it will stop at child porn (and that is awful enough). He will most likely start molesting your daughter or both of the kids. And it will be heartbreaking that you could've prevented it from happening, but you chose to stay with their deviant, disgusting father.

You should keep an eye out for grooming behavior, I'm sure there is only a matter of time before he starts grooming his easy prey.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

To the OP, are you in counseling now? If so, what has the counselor said about WHY they feel you want to stay? Or do you know why?

IMO, once you truly believe you deserve better then and only then will you leave and make a better life for you and your kids.
You were a victim and still are, but now its only because you choose to be, and the bad thing is you are also choosing for your kids...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I wonder what will happen when your daughter reaches the age your H is attracted to?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that a woman who had been raped by her own father is trying to save her marriage to a pedophille.
Good God, your self esteem must be absolutely shattered.
Instead of looking for help for your marriage, you should be getting intensive therapy & making plans to GTF out of your marriage before it's too late.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. How awful for those kids 

My husband is guilty of the same things as yours - everything you have in your thread title EXCEPT the child porn. As happy as we are today, if I found out tomorrow he had EVER looked at kiddie porn, that would be THE END. Period. There is NO way I could reconcile with him then.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

With an ongoing investigation, YOU are being scrutinized by the police as well. Guess what, YOU are risking losing your children to social services because of your choice to stay with a pedophile.

No excuses, you should have taken you kids and left or kicked him out and taken out a restraining order. WTH is wrong with you that you can't see the risk you are putting your kids in.

I can't condone staying with him despite all he has "done" to appease you (and appeasing you is all he's doing regardless of what you may think and he may say or do).

Pedophiles DO NOT rehabilitate, not even with chemical castration. That is why they are isolated by sex offender lists and conditions of parole when released from jail (ex: not allowed 500 yards from any child present activity or environment, not allowed to teach children, not allowed to be near them, etc)

HOW could you risk your children like this. I just can't wrap my mind around it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I get that by staying you don't have to face reality the way it really is. You want to have the story end in a good way. You want to be in control of a situation you weren't in control of when you were a child. None of that is going to work out the way you see it in your mind in the future. It's hard to face the horrible reality that basically you have been raped all over again, considering the situation, you would not have consented to sex with this man if you had the full facts, he deceived you and thus deprived you of a thing called informed consent, probably the same way your dad lied to you about what is the proper and healthy relationship between a parent and a child. Just leave. Accept that you past set you up to be where you are now. Choose a story you don't know, and see where it might lead you, in a place where you can make better choices that aren't based on lies. At this point you are taking over from your husband, you are telling yourself lies so you can stay in your delusion that everything will be okay. Please think hard about this.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I wonder what will happen when your daughter reaches the age your H is attracted to?


Scary, isn't it.
And the OP excuses it...
She's as bad as he is.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

the child porn alone would make me grab my son and run for the hills!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

The child porn is a deal breaker. His consumption of child porn and those like him is what creates an industry that destroys children and makes them broken as adults. It is ugly in the worse ways. How you can ever touch him or let him around your little girl is beyond me. He is not a great father if he is contributing to the destruction of other great fathers' kids.

Please come to your senses.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, I don't know what you are thinking! Looks like you are under the impression that you have it all under control with the research on pedophiles and monitoring his bank account and so on. But understand that this is a super-crazy man you are living with. And if you want to stay with this person.. then stay. But give your kids up for adoption or let them stay with their grandparents or somewhere else where they will be safe!

You are a much bigger defaulter by allowing your kids to be in his vicinity after knowing that he is into child-porn. Do you know what kind of a risk you are putting your kids through right now? In fact are you 100% sure he hasn't molested the kids yet???? Have you been with the kids ALL the time 24/7, 365 days a year? Do you not sleep at night? There is no way you can protect your kids in the situation you are in currently. I don't know what more to say. Watch a few Law&Order SVU episodes on child porn and molestation and you will see why everybody on this forum is getting concerned for your kids. Be a good mother and protect your kids by taking them away from this man... NOW!!

Sorry for the red color... just wanted to convey how seriously I think you need to leave because you don't seem to be taking this advice seriously!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't know if someone said this or not I couldn't read throu it all. 

I for the life of me understand why you didn't divorce him. 

If you do not leave him you will lose your kids. A convicted child molester will not be allowed near or around your kids. 

He will be on the list on the Internet. He can't go to school functions with you and the kids. 

He will have to tell everyone in your neighbor hood is a sexual offender. It is a life of solitude. Most jobs won't hire a sex offender. 

You will never have peace if you stay with him. 

If you are in America. Other countries are different. Didn't read where you are from or where you are at. 

So much of your life will be over. Just file. It will probly be granted very quickly.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Again if you live in america or are an American living abroad. (the both of you will be kicked out of that country so fast it will make your head spin)

He cannot leave his state. He cannot ride public transportation. He will have a hard time finding employment. 

He can't get on an airplaine. He can't go to McDonalds. He can't go to a store before 9 pm because there might be kids there. 

This will also be your cross to bare. 

No more figurines. No more going to the movies. If you are staying with him every thing he does will be monitored and you to. 

If you stay and lose your kids you will fall into another bracket. You don't want to be with those people.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I can just imagine you telling your kids, "I'm sorry your father raped you over the years. But mommy doesn't believe in divorce..." Are you kidding me? You at least had the resolve to call the police. Credit for that, I guess. Your maternal instincts should be kicking in to grab your kids and run as far away from this very real threat to them as you can get.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adults who have sexual interest in children will usually abuse a child regardless of the child's gender. It's about the age and availability of the child... if they are male or female.

OP needs to keep both of her children away from their father.

Do you ever leave your children in his care? Even for a few minutes? If you do and he molests one or both of them, you are responsible.

If you want to stay with this man, ok. But then your children need to go live with someone else.


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## mettophobic (Jun 21, 2012)

First of all, I want to say that I admire that you would want to look at all of your options before you look to divorce. No matter what anyone has said. Marriage is something that deserves every resort until nothing is left, and then looking to it. 

Secondly, I say this as a woman who is a victim of a pedophile. My mother married a man and stayed with him for 11 years. I was 9 when he first molested me, I was 14 when he stopped. He lived in that house for 5 years after he stopped. She of course didn't know what he had done until many years after their divorce, and still wont admit it to herself. 
Years after the drug addiction, suicide attempts and THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY, I stopped blaming my mom for what I went through. Until of course I found out that all along, she knew about an arrest he had in another state for child pornography. 
You see, this man, my step father, years before he did to me what he did, showed the first signs of acting on it. Thinking about it. Sexually fixating on it. It may not be your daughter he terrorizes, but it will be someones daughter. 
All of the good in him you've seen up till now, has been as much of a lie as his age. A lie to hide the deep dark terrible park of him that is lurking behind this facade. 
Dont let him near your children. Dont let him near anyone else's children. Its the pedophiles that people start forgiving that do the most amount of damage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> I've started looking into how I can protect my own children. Obviously teaching any child about boundaries is a good idea but also, for my children, never leaving them alone with their father.


Did you know boundaries when your father raped you? I’ll bet you did. But it did not stop him did it? 

The approach of teaching your children boundaries is a good start. But I think you have the false perception that this will protect your children from an adult, should that adult choose to molest them. One thing that attracts child molesters/pedophiles children is that they are available and defenseless. 

Plus, they groom children. They setup the child to accept the molestation/rape on some level thus not telling anyone what happened. Sound familiar to you?



WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> I'm considering wiring our house with nanny-cams and putting a key logger onto my computer. Just grasping at straws trying to figure out the best way to make sure my daughter isn't raped by her father the way I was raped by mine.


You have done what many people do, you married your father. Now you are setting out to fix your father. Your husband is a surrogate for your father. 

The reason that you felt comfortable with this man is most likely because he is a lot like your father. Contemplate that. When you were dating this man, he instinctively felt comfortable to you. That’s why you accepted the lying and looked the other way on so many things.

Now you will find out what 99% of the people who marry a surrogate for their broken parent. 99.9% of the time you cannot fix that person any more than you could have fixed your father. 

Instead you are turning into your mother…. The woman who knew her husband was molesting/raping her daughter but looked the other way. This is how child molestation becomes generational. You are participating passing down this family tradition. 

If your husband molests you son, which he very much might do, you son may very well learn to be just like his dad. If he molests your daughter she will most likely have some serious sexual and boundary issues. She might even become a child molester.. yes I know of women who do this a as well. (I spent years doing volunteer work with children who were molested, mostly by family members.)

My heart breaks for your children. They have two seriously messed up parents.

I hope you are the healthier one and realize that you have to get your children away from their father.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> I'm a SAHM to two children (one boy, one girl) under the age of 4.
> My husband of 4 years has always been an amazing father (plays with the kids, reads to them every night, etc..) and a great roommate (helps clean up on the weekends, makes dinner at least once a week, etc..) and a wonderful provider (no savings but no debt, and he always paid the bills; he spent more on himself and our son than he allowed me to spend on myself or our daughter but we had enough)....but as a spouse he's been increasingly emotionally absent, distant, and disinterested.
> 
> Last year I found out he had been lying to me about his age. He was actually 5 years older than he told me he was. That was my big wake up call. After finding out that I had blindly believed such an obvious lie (in three years of marriage, all I had to do was check his drivers license and I never did...I just believed him, I was so naive), I began noticing alot of holes in his stories. Within 4 months of finding out about his real age, I realized that he is a compulsive liar. He lies about anything and everything. What he ate for lunch. Conversations he had on his smoke breaks at work. Where he bought something. Stupid things that I wouldn't even bother asking about, he'd come up to me and offer me a lie for seemingly no reason.
> ...


I haven't read everyone's replies. I'll try to tomorrow when I have more time. However, the first thing you should know is that your husband is NOT a regressed pedophile but is a fixated type. 

Regressed pedophiles turn to children in times of stress and prefer adults, but your husband's behavior indicates that his secret/fantasy life is chronic and enduring. He has lied to you and pretended to be someone else for a very long time. Don't give in to the temptation of believing that because a lie was about something else, such as how old he is, that it's not related to pedophile tendencies. 

The gist of pedophile behavior is about control. Both fixated and regressed pedophiles seek sexual partners that won't place demands upon them. A regressed pedophile is normally ok with those demands, but when they feel overwhelmed by stressors, they'll seek a release valve. A fixated pedophile never quite feels like they're competent with women and needs ongoing release valves. Your husband's lies have ALL been directed at keeping you from placing demands on him, which tells me he is a fixated offender. (I'm speaking as someone with vast experience on this matter. I'll describe more at the end of this post.)

Your children are at a VERY high risk of being sexually abused when they reach the age that appeals to him. This includes boys. I believed my brother was safe since my father was heterosexual, but when I moved out at 13 and he only had access to boys, he turned to them because they were still pliable and easy to manipulate.

Your husband's attorney has probably advised him to do whatever it takes to keep his marriage together if he wants to avoid jail time. Juries are far more likely to judge him guilty if his own wife has rejected him, but if you've taken him back, they'll be more likely to be friendly to the defense's claims that there was a misunderstanding of some sort. 

You say you don't have a clue why you're staying. I think I have an idea of your reasons:

- At the risk of starting a major controversy, I will say that pedophiles are not the monsters they're often made out to be. They are hard, reliable workers who are quite devoted to their families. The problem is that they are willing to violate societal norms that say "Don't do this." That willingness leads to trauma for children, broken families, etc. His basic thought processes put his entire family at risk if he gives in to temptation for even two seconds. 

- Pedophiles are highly cooperative with other people.

- Pedophiles are highly empathetic individuals. 

************ BUT *****************

Staying for those reasons is very selfish and neglectful of your children.

Children who are sexually touched, even if it doesn't involve coercion or pain, face emotional trauma because their experiences create a major inner conflict. They can't be "real" about their lives to the rest of the world or they risk sending a loved one to jail, being judged by society, and so on. Even if the molestation only involved something like fondling over clothing, which obviously can be a welcomed act when it's between two consenting adults, can prove traumatic in the long run even if the actual experience was enjoyable to the child. This can cause deeply rooted shame, ambivalence toward sex, and make it difficult for the child to have intimate relationships later on. Children express these things as they grow through oppositional behavior, self-mutilation, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, drugs and alcohol, and many other ways.

Do you really want to take that chance with someone who is capable of lying so convincingly that in 4 years you never caught it? By the time another 4 years goes by, your children will be in his target age range. How do you think your child will interpret things when she is interviewed about things that happened and her dad goes to prison? How will *you* feel knowing you could have prevented it simply by not taking a chance that you took for reasons you can't identify?

I told you I have vast experience on this. I was molested from infancy until I was 13 - from my father as well as several other adults and several juveniles. I learned it was "wrong" when I was around 5, and even though it never bothered me before that, from that point forward it affected every relationship I had. (My father died in prison. When I was interviewed by the police, I thought I would be able to at least keep him out of prison since he'd moved out of the house, and the family couldn't keep the house without his income, but no, my interview only incriminated him further. I was that child that your daughter may become.) When I was a teen, I started reading every book on the topic I could find, every study that came past me. It played a major role in my interest in psychology. I went to counseling, joined Incest Survivors Anonymous for a brief time, and always strove to become the best person I could be.

I didn't have the means to go to college at the time, so I joined the Army, where I became a certified drug and alcohol counselor and sat on the child abuse review board of the hospital where I worked. I received ongoing training on topics related to child abuse. After I left the Army, I worked in a prison where I had daily contact with known child abusers and was able to observe the way they interacted with other men and women. 

Please believe me when I say that you will regret staying.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm not sure what people here are saying is even making a difference. I would like to think so, but who knows. From the things I have read shes not looking for a divorce or a way to get out of it. She was thinking of wiring up cams in the home and keeping her kids away from their father alone. I'm not sure what kind of life she feels that is. 

She didn't really ask any type of question(s) in her OP it was more of just a post about her life with a troubled man. People have said their 2 cents, asked her questions trying to understand her logic around things and she hasn't really answered a lot of question when asked, just keep explaining and excusing behaviors etc. 

Anyway, just know there are undercover cops who are on lots of forums such as these, reading these kinds of things. Not sure if there is here or not, but wow might be a good thing!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think I'm gonna call BS on it. I don't know to many people who would put themselves out there like this in a public forum with a story such as this, and risk many things. Its not like she is crying out for help for her and her kids, and if so, its not very well thought out. Its more about seeking validation, not asking for help, and most people wouldn't ask for help dealing with these kinds of crimes on a public forum, they would be more low key about it and talk to the proper people (authorties about it). JMO!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You should be thrown in jail as an accessory to child pornography/sexual abuse of your own children if you stay with him.

Gross.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I do hope she is still reading the responses, even if she stops posting. Kathy Batesel's post, while frightening to read, is extremely informative.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

swedish said:


> I do hope she is still reading the responses, even if she stops posting. Kathy Batesel's post, while frightening to read, is extremely informative.


Yes, it is, and it could be very true that the only reason this man fathered children, was to supply the industry. The world really is that sick. 

I just hope this is a bullsh!t post.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

The wiring up of cams in the home is one of the things that skeeves me out. I mean what is she hoping to do, catch him in the act of touching one of her kids, after its already happened and the child is damaged and traumatized? To late then huh!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

AgentD said:


> The wiring up of cams in the home is one of the things that skeeves me out. I mean what is she hoping to do, catch him in the act of touching one of her kids, after its already happened and the child is damaged and traumatized? To late then huh!


No, then she'd be off to jail for the CREATION of child porn.

Effing sickos, the pair of them (if this is true).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your husband is no longer your responsibility. Your children are. Leave him before he damages one of them in a way that they will never forget or recover from.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Jamison said:


> I think I'm gonna call BS on it. I don't know to many people who would put themselves out there like this in a public forum with a story such as this, and risk many things. Its not like she is crying out for help for her and her kids, and if so, its not very well thought out. Its more about seeking validation, not asking for help, and most people wouldn't ask for help dealing with these kinds of crimes on a public forum, they would be more low key about it and talk to the proper people (authorties about it). JMO!


The crime has already happened and is under investigation. And according to the OP, CPS, etc.. is also already involved. It is a done deal and he is facing jail time and the loss of his job and getting kicked out of the country they are in. She explained that already. She's not risking anything by telling what has already happened.

Women and men alike stay with their spouses under some very extreme circumstances. And the OP already said why she was here, she just wanted to talk about it, however, the only answer she will get from here is to leave her spouse or she's a horrible mother or spouse or whatever. Therefore she will not be back here and I don't blame her one bit. There are support forums for her situation (guarded support forums, and rightfully so based on the responses here).

We are not in her shoes or know her dynamics. She is overseas, probably being supported financially by this man, trying to raise her kids, away from her family, etc. No doubt she is lonely and confused about what is going on. She says she is staying with him, but I doubt she even knows what she is doing yet. Hopefully she will get the support she so desperately needs at a forum that understands these types of crimes and what it means for the family. 

No one knows what they will do until they are in that exact same position.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Cherry, that is fine. We can all choose to believe whatever we want. If I call BS on it thats my right, just as it is yours to believe it etc etc.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

WifeOfATroubledMan said:


> Cherry- thank you. I will try the forum you recommended.
> 
> All of the blogs I've found are outdated- last posted in 2009/08.
> I've found news articles and various other sources of stories but no way of contacting women who've been where I am right now.
> ...



Maybe you can contact Mrs. Sandusky. She will support you all the way in your life with a predatory monster, and will even suggest ways you can blame his victims, even if they are her own children.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

It is a shame to leave him when he's making efforts, but you have to for the sake of your children. He's very manipulative, and would definitely find a way to MAKE your kids keep "the secret". He may have already. I know it is easy for these people to tell you to leave, and much harder to let go, but he's dangerous in so many ways. You need to leave and hope he continues with help.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Enabling is never of benefit to the wrongdoer.

Only setting a person free to find their own salvation can work.

I watched my mother support my father until he was no longer functional, and then cut him loose to die. If she had bailed on him at the first affair or the first suicidal tableau, he may have had a chance. I don't blame her, I just learned from her.

Ditching someone when they are self- and life-destructive is 

DOING THEM A FAVOR!

As Dr. Mona Lisa Schultz says, "These people have a personal saviour--and it ain't YOU!"

Gather your strength around you and do what you know is right. You are big enough for this...unless you're not.

And, yeah, that's a dare.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

This man downloaded child porn and you are still with him!??????? 

What about your children? WAKE UP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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