# blanket bar rules



## admthex (May 19, 2016)

Ladies, help.

So, my wife has a blanket understanding or expectation that a married person should never go into a bar with out their spouse. Which, in principal i actually agree with. In principal.

I say that because i differentiate going to a bar with you boys to chill from going to a corporate happy hour for networking or going for a single drink with a co-worker after a huge meeting. To me those latter activities are no different from going to a bakery, or a restaurant, or starbucks. Just so happens so adults would rather chat over a beer socially not to be a scum bag and pick up women.

Do i have any leg to stand on trying to make a case?

Some BG. Last month my VP asked me to rent a space in a bar to hose a networking session with new employees. It was a problem, but i basically just had to do it regardless. 

Then today, probably just was stupid on my part. Had a 4 hour meeting where the company rented out a movie theater to go through some presentations. Co worker asked me to have a drink with him. initially i said no, but on the way out to my car i felt awkward, waited for him and had a single drink and went home. Had a Margarita so naturally she smelled the taquilla, said i got a drink at the bar (a mall restaurant with a bar really) and now i'm in the suck. 

Is this usual? is having a drink at happy hour generally considered disrespectful? wth do i do now?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Doesn't seem normal to me. If I'm going to a bar, restaurant, etc with other people, I let my girl know. I don't ask for permission but I let her know what I'm doing.

Does she have reasons that she doesn't like you going out with other people?


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## admthex (May 19, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Does she have reasons that she doesn't like you going out with other people?


I never cheated on her, but that does not mean there are not reasons. Some my fault, and some her baggage. 

My fault items:
I've never been a jealous person so when we got married i had no real understanding of how some people expect absolute zero contact with ex's or even friends that in your single days you hooked up with but never dated. So i tried to keep a friend i had hooked up with but never dated and never would date. Just a thing that happened. That went very poorly.

Her baggage:
She has 4 older brothers and lots of family history of infidelity. I feel like that baggage is put on me and how far my rope can go and i feel like its really unfair to be judged like that. My position is, i picked you because i want you thats why your are my wife... but that does not do much against that family history most of her brothers are married, her parents are still married, but they were all doing dirt.

Everything i do is viewed from the lens of, i'm a man who could be doing dirt.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Seems normal to me. BUT....if ya'll had an understanding then you have to stick to it. Either you agree with her rule or you don't. You say you do, but you really don't because you differentiate the whole thing. If you don't actually agree then stand up for yourself. Well, after you grovel and apologize for making her unhappy about this time. 

And then, realize that what's good for the goose is good for the gander....and vise versa. As long as you are okay with her stopping by the mall for a drink with a friend or co-worker, and knowing that she isn't a skank looking to screw a scumbag. Everything should be ok then. 

What is with the super-strict stance on never entering a bar without your spouse? What is so bad about having a drink with a male co-worker?

*Nevermind, I see why she is so strict. BUT.... you allow her to be. Again, it's about standing up for youself and letting (demanding) that she owns her own sh*t.


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## admthex (May 19, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Sgander....and vise versa. As long as you are okay with her stopping by the mall for a drink with a friend or co-worker.
> 
> What is with the super-strict stance on never entering a bar without your spouse? What is so bad about having a drink with a male co-worker?


I openly advocate that she go out with her co-workers for networking purposes. She follows her rule, but i feel mostly because she just does not want to be bothered with co-workers. Keeps it a little tooo professional.

As for her stance, she said, it's disrespectful and claims it to be cultural... which is again, odd, cuz she says its a "Caribbean" thing. My impression was all those guys are doing dirt where ever they find it, so whats the point?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I understand her issues, but it's unrealistic to have a blanket rule like this. Is she willing to negotiate exceptions? Going for one drink after work once in a while when it is absolutely expected should be OK, I would think.

(And fwiw, it's not the same as going to a cafe or restaurant. Happy hours are not comparable to a mocha at Starbucks. The alcohol is part of an atmosphere that lots of people use to do marriage-unfriendly things.)


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, are you of the same culture as her? It doesn't sound like it. So your argument to her would be...."Well, in my culture we don't 'do dirt' and men aren't just dogs. In my culture we can be civilized, even at a bar." You have a valid stance here. You are allowing her baggage to stunt you. Why? 

And even if you chose to let her rule.... why go against it? You can't have it both ways. Either live by it, or change/negotiate the rules.


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## admthex (May 19, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> So your argument to her would be...."Well, in my culture we don't 'do dirt' and men aren't just dogs. In my culture we can be civilized, even at a bar."


lol. I cant say that. Her father is one of those men, her brothers, her cousins. I've hinted at it... nothing good there. 

Also, no, we are not the same culture, but in america, dog is pretty average in the U.S..

But yea, i'll just have to keep trying to negotiate.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Nah, dog is not average. I think decent people are average. 

But the point is....SHE sees all men as dogs, so she has to police your potential dog. And the only reason you are not a dog is due to her rules. 

Really? Is that how you see yourself? I doubt it. 

What happens if she gets mad at you? This time, I get it. You had an agreement that you would not go to a bar without her. I don't understand that agreement, but you made it and you dropped the ball. Sooooooooooo.... make it up to her. Somehow, dinner out or whatever it is that you do to smooth things over when she is PO'd. 

Then, it has to be more than just "keep trying to negotiate". It's not just about going to a bar, it's about how you see yourself and how you allow her to project her negativity on to you. I say "take a stand" because it's about not being generalized, which is diminishing. It's like you are less of a person, and probably nothing special because you are just one of those dogs...like all men are. Ugh. 

So you say to her.... on a non-p*ssy day (that's an i in there!)... "I am grown, I am a decent, responsible man and if I want to stop and have a drink with a co-worker once in awhile or go watch a game with the guys and drink a few beers, then that is what I am going to do. I am not hunting skanks. I am not forsaking my family. You have to trust me, I am not a dog." Then you tell her that a compromise that you will make to her is that if you go to a bar she will be informed who you are with and an estimated time of how long you will be there. Then you go. And you don't abuse it. 

It's not that going to a bar is manly. It's that asserting yourself is manly.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You can't even go for a single drink after work?? Ever?? Seriously???


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think because you had an understanding and then did it anyway she had a right to be upset. If you didn't like the understanding why didn't you speak up when you had first discussed it.
Me I think it's a bit ridiculous you can't go to bar for a drink with a friend or co worker... 
I'd discuss it with her and tell her sometimes it's necessary for networking etc. 
see if she can see your point of view. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

My H is an RA so drinking is not something I want him to be at naturally but as a wife generally I would not have a problem with a few drinks after work, he feels the same way. We must trust our spouses and give some latitude.

I would draw the line at hostess bars, very late nights on a regular basis or karaoke (esp in Asia as they are not just for singing in!)

You have to have an honest and deep talk with your wife. Do not get angry, just explain your feelings ask her to share hers and then sooth her angst as she doesn't have great role models from her past hence the fear. It is all about fear.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Isn't there a rather large difference between a bar and a restaurant that has a bar in it?

I can get with the whole "no bar" thing. I'm not sure I'd be okay with not even being allowed to go to TGIFriday's or Boston Pizza for a drink with a male co-worker though.

A proper bar serves two purposes, and two purposes only: drinking alcohol and meeting people. I agree (but not vehemently so) that married people shouldn't be in those types of bars without their spouse.

A restaurant bar, patio, pub, whatever - different story. Those aren't typically the types of places people go to hook up with other people. It can happen, sure, but it can happen at the grocery store, the DMV or the food court at the mall.

Besides, there are far worse places married people can go without their spouse than those. The gym, for one...


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So here's how I would have played it - as SOON as you "basically had to do it for work," you should have contacted her and let her know the situation. Honey, I know we said no bars without each other but my boss asked me to pick a bar to have a networking session at. I'm going to have to be there. I may have to have a drink with my coworkers as a part of that. If you feel uncomfortable (if it's still open to the public during those hours) feel free to come by with some girlfriends and have a drink. I'll be working but would love to see you.

It's a bit late for that now. You seem to be rationalizing why you had to do it. It's not that the reasons aren't well...reasonable. It's that you agreed to something with her and then reneged. It's reasonable for her to be upset, angry, hurt. You did basically lie and then hope you wouldn't be caught in a lie. 

I imagine she now doesn't trust you and is wondering if you're cheating. You should think about marriage counseling if you aren't already doing that. Don't wait until everything is falling apart. She has trust issues. You have telling the truth issues. You guys need to work on that.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

So, here's the thing... If she's uncomfortable with a situation, if you value her feelings, don't do it. Same goes for her. It boils down to respect.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> So, here's the thing... If she's uncomfortable with a situation, if you value her feelings, don't do it. Same goes for her. It boils down to respect.


Disagree. Part of having a career is social gatherings. It's how you move up the ladder by networking and building relationships in and out of work. If he never part takes then it will hurt him come promotion time because an important part of management is people skills.

If he's NEVER cheated on her or given ANY indication of shady behavior then she needs to deal with her insecurities. I'd hardly equate having one drink after a meeting the same as trolling for women on a Saturday night. OP I would be 100% honest with her and do as @GuyInColorado says.

Don't ask for her permission. Tell her EXACTLY where you are going and what you are doing and be home before supper. Not more than 1-2 times a month. Explain to her that office politics is important to upward mobility and she needs to see a counselor to deal with HER insecurities if she thinks so little of you when you have been 100% faithful.

Good luck OP. Put your foot down, don't be a doormat. You are doing nothing wrong.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

frusdil said:


> You can't even go for a single drink after work?? Ever?? Seriously???


Completely absurd and unrealistic.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

God if she can't trust you at a bar, then there is something wrong with either you or her. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I'll spare you bunch of words.

Go to bar with your spouse only if your wife and marriage is important too you.

Lot more I could write but very simple.

You already lied about your past and still maintained contact. Given your behavior and rationalization, I've watched men 100x more solid than you falter. 

Your wife is doing your marriage a favor with her request.





admthex said:


> Ladies, help.
> 
> So, my wife has a blanket understanding or expectation that a married person should never go into a bar with out their spouse. Which, in principal i actually agree with. In principal.
> 
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Bang. Dead on

How many of "ain't nobody tell me what to do types" end up as the next CWI story...

OP is definitely not solid.



calmwinds said:


> So, here's the thing... If she's uncomfortable with a situation, if you value her feelings, don't do it. Same goes for her. It boils down to respect.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

admthex said:


> Ladies, help.
> 
> So, my wife has a blanket understanding or expectation that a married person should never go into a bar with out their spouse. Which, in principal i actually agree with. In principal.
> 
> ...



I have never gone to a bar since I've been married to Mrs.CuddleBug. Bars are for single people looking to hook up.....Imagine me going to a bar with the guys, wearing my wedding ring. Ladies want what they can't have, so hmmmm, this guys a sweetheart and hot and married.......YUMMMY.

Now occasionally going to a pub and getting a bite to eat, that's fine in my books. Mrs.CuddleBug from time to time has done this and I tell her, don't text me and just enjoy yourself. I even said, if a guy flirts with you, enjoy the attention and don't tell me. But Mrs.CuddleBug does the opposite, texts me and comes home at a decent hour and usually brings home some food.

I also don't go to pubs since being married to Mrs.CuddleBug. I am HD, so why set myself up with another HD lady who just wants crazy sex for a while and then we go our separate ways? Nope, no bars or pubs for me.

If your sweetie tells you she had a drink, she's being honest, and its not a big deal. If she had a drink and flirted.....and never told you anything and you found out through some of her co workers, then I'd have a problem with that and no more pubs or bars for her.

General rule of thumb, if you're married, no bars or pubs.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What is your wife's background? I think there is a reason this is important to her. Did she come from an alcoholic family? Did her previous partner cheat? Have you had trouble with limits or been flirty while drinking? There is something that she is not comfortable with and that is why she wanted the agreement. The thing is you made an agreement so not to uphold it will be a betrayal of sorts. I think you need to sit and talk and find out why the agreement is important to her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Irrational rules lead to irrational results.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Lying to your spouse saying just a friend but used to be shagging them results in tighter restrictions.... Once that happened OP set himself for this.

I agree with AlexM having a quick bite at Applebee's and having a beer is different than going to a watering hole. 

However given OPs history he definitely lost any right to OSF and doing 1:1



Married but Happy said:


> Irrational rules lead to irrational results.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Yup.

And how many times someone gets drunk and regrets saying or doing something.

We had coworker who was every Friday happy hour. Until he got popped for DWI. He has like three beers in an hour got pulled for speeding and cop smelled booze. He doesn't do happy hour anymore. Lol



notmyrealname4 said:


> What gets me is that professional business affairs apparently can't be conducted without the use of alcohol.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
"Bar" covers a lot of ground. I would have not problems with a bar that was also a convenient place to get food - as found at many hotels. I think its also OK if you are hanging out with a group of business associates.


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