# Regaining Lost Trust



## jmarie2513 (Jan 20, 2016)

Last year me and my husband separated for a year, due to him having an affair. Upon finding about the affair I found out about several other times within the past 10 years that he had cheated on me. I was broken. I went through hell , but we are back together now, for about a year now. For the past 9 months or so things have been great. But lately he seems preoccupied and irritable. He flips out about the most simple things and just loses his temper. He is always short with me , which just makes me think that he is up to no good. I check his Facebook, his call log, I go through his phone regularly. I have constant fear that he will cheat again. I hate when he has any "free time" that I cannot account for, because he lies and doesn't tell me the full story always. He says I ask too many questions and never give him time to do or say things first. I try to back off , give him opportunity. But he never changes the way he does things. I'm always left full of questions and he never makes me feel any better about the situation.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jmarie2513 said:


> He flips out about the most simple things and just loses his temper.
> 
> He is always short with me , which just makes me think that he is up to no good.
> 
> ...


Read the list of things your wrote about him again; and ask yourself if these are the actions of a remorseful husband. A clue - they are not.

Your husband is not just a cheater. He's a serial cheater. He should be thanking his lucky stars for the rest of your married life that you've given him the gift or R. Instead he is non-remorseful and taking you for granted. And, he will likely cheat again if he hasn't already.

Is that really how you want to live your life? There is no consequence that will get his attention short of you filing for divorce.

Sorry you're here.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

He is lying and gets angry when you call him out. This is a tactic he is using to shut you down so that you don't question his lies. You can either accept that or not. You can't change him.

I know you want things to work. That's admirable. But a relationship takes two, and he wants you on his terms. Which frankly are not very good for you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is this the same husband that is doing and dealing drugs, per your other post today?


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## jmarie2513 (Jan 20, 2016)

Same husband :-(


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## jmarie2513 (Jan 20, 2016)

It is just hard to think that giving up and walking away is the answer. That I have to let 10 years go down the drain. I hate that another separation or possibly divorce is the only answer. this is not the man I married. The man I married was nice, sweet and thoughtful. He was not rude and disrespectful. He is so defensive about everything little thing, when we do talk or argue he turns my words around to make it sound like I am being nasty to him. When I talk he does not listen, he has been so selfish these past few months. I just dont understand.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jmarie2513 said:


> It is just hard to think that giving up and walking away is the answer. That I have to let 10 years go down the drain.


I understand that feeling. But, better 10 years than 12, 15, or 20. You're still young.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sooo... your husband is not only a serial cheat but also a drug abuser and dealer...?

Kick his sorry ass to the curb and file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry for your pain.

Two have to try to make a marriage work. He does not sound like he is trying.

How would he feel if you had an A?

I am not suggesting that you do that, but to have him see what the pain is like.

If he does not change or won't go to counseling, either you stay with the situation or make a change.

What do you want to do?

It may be time for a change as hard as that can be.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Unfortunately I think it's time to start looking for someone else. If this guys cheated on you and yet you still worry all the time he's doing it again and not helping you through this, you're sending him a message that he can get away with this and you will still keep coming back.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Just to answer your question "regaining trust", you can never regain trust. Trust is a perception, a state of mind, in respect to what you believe someone will or won't do. Once its violated, this perception is gone forever since there is now no basis. _(not to say you can't fake trust to get along or that the violator will ever do it again. You however will always know that since they did it before, they may very well do it again.)_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your feelings for him are misplaced. The man you first knew may have been good.

That man is gone and this one is amazingly pathetic.

Trust me and others here who tell you to dump this diseased leech and find a real man.

Hint: Real men are faithful and don't deal drugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

First of all your husband is not sorry for pain he caused. 
He gets angry with you and he still lies to you when you want to talk about his Affairs.

This is not the man who is trying to save his marriage and apologize for his actions.

Another thing - you said it is hard to move on from 10 years spent together. Do you really want to spend another 10 with this man ???

My advice is to move on and find yourself a better man. Maybe once you done this he will realize what he lost and open his eyes.

Stay strong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jmarie2513 said:


> Same husband :-(


A drug dealer? Oh, my! 

Might need to get rid.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

jmarie2513 said:


> *It is just hard to think that giving up and walking away is the answer.* That I have to let 10 years go down the drain. *I hate that another separation or possibly divorce is the only answer. this is not the man I married.* The man I married was nice, sweet and thoughtful. He was not rude and disrespectful. He is so defensive about everything little thing, when we do talk or argue he turns my words around to make it sound like I am being nasty to him. When I talk he does not listen, he has been so selfish these past few months. I just dont understand.


It takes 2 people all in to fix a relationship. You're not giving up and walking away if he's not willing to meet you half way. You can only fix you. You can't fix him.

He uses you're reluctance to divorce against you. He knows you won't leave so his behavior stays the same. 

Why would he stop cheating on you if you took him back every time?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He is the man you married. The mask fell off and this is the "real" him. Divorce him. Serial cheater will keep cheating.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think divorce is your only option. Your husband is a serial cheater. There is no fixing his issue. It is who he is and he will not stop. You are allowing yourself to be abused and taken advantage of.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

jmarie2513 said:


> Last year me and my husband separated for a year, due to him having an affair. Upon finding about the affair I found out about several other times within the past 10 years that he had cheated on me. I was broken. I went through hell , but we are back together now, for about a year now. For the past 9 months or so things have been great. But lately he seems preoccupied and irritable. He flips out about the most simple things and just loses his temper. He is always short with me , which just makes me think that he is up to no good. I check his Facebook, his call log, I go through his phone regularly. I have constant fear that he will cheat again. I hate when he has any "free time" that I cannot account for, because he lies and doesn't tell me the full story always. He says I ask too many questions and never give him time to do or say things first. I try to back off , give him opportunity. But he never changes the way he does things. I'm always left full of questions and he never makes me feel any better about the situation.


that dogs a chicken worrier.... they never change.

move on to someone you can trust


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## jmarie2513 (Jan 20, 2016)

I have to say that I am really glad that I came here to post about my marriage. There are just certain things that I cannot and do not mention about my marriage or my husband to my friends and family. All of the things that you guys have said just made me realize that I really do not deserve this, i already knew this. But I guess just made me a little more confident in what I was already thinking. Gave me a little more courage to speak my mind to him,I mean when its different when you say something yourself, but to hear and see these things quoted back to me, really opened my eyes. We went out to dinner for a birthday Saturday evening, and all was well until we got home. Something was mentioned and he got upset with me. Well when I came to him to talk about it, he refused. He got an attitude, laid on the couch and pretended to be going to sleep. Well I let him have it, I got upset, I cried. I tried to hold it back but I couldn't. I spoke every truth that was running through my mind. I told him I wasn't doing it any longer. That I did not like the life that I was living. I told him he was acting like a young immature teenage boy, and this was not going to work. He tried to comfort me and I declined, I told him that I did not want his comfort. Because it was him, he was the reason that I was upset. And he should never be the reason. I told him he wanted to comfort me , then he would need to make some changes. I know that things are still settling down from the weekend, but we will see what follows. I really feel that if this does not push him to do better then it is pushing me to do better for myself. And I really would hate to see 10 years washed away, but like others here have said to me, I don't want to make that 10 turn into 20 years of living a life that I do not love.


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