# Given permission to have sex with others



## dutch (Oct 11, 2010)

Has your spouse or s/o ever given you permission to have sex with others, to fulfill needs that they can't or won't do?


----------



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

F no!


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

No, he has not, nor would he. And I wouldn't want him to, anyway. I love him, I want him. Sex with him is wonderful, but it's wonderful because it's with him. Sex with someone other than him would not be nearly as fulfilling. 

And I would never give him permission, either. Of course, for my part, that's only because I'm too jealous to even withstand the mere thought of him being with someone else.


----------



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> And I would never give him permission, either. Of course, for my part, that's only because I'm too jealous to even withstand the mere thought of him being with someone else.


:iagree:


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i know it has happened to someone, but i just cant fathom how bad things have to get in a marriage that this would become an option. if my wife said that to me, i would proceed with divorce. who wants to be married to someone who doesnt want to share intimacy? 

if it is physical or mental health related, why wouldnt the no desire person try to exhaust all possible avenues to correcting their condition?


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yes, my stb-x told me a few times that it was okay that I go out and get sex outside of marriage.

I suppose that's one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocolypse of Divorce.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It hasn't happened and I wouldn't accept the offer if it were made! I would suspect she'd be setting me up for failure in future divorce proceedings or to divert my attention from her own affair. If she doesn't care enough to take care of my "needs" herself, why would she care enough to suggest such a thing?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ie...its a cop out


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

well, for me i gave her the permission, she was with her "lover" then, he went from 1st-2nd base, but didnt go through it coz she wasnt in the right mindframe...

anyway, this is not somehting everyone would agree/understand... a good article which i read last time answers this.

Responsible Nonmonogamy

somehow some way, we are still very much in love with each other even with the presence of her "lover", it is in fact making us cherish each other even more! strange, but i cant fully explain this as well...


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

malmale said:


> well, for me i gave her the permission, she was with her "lover" then, he went from 1st-2nd base, but didnt go through it coz she wasnt in the right mindframe...
> 
> anyway, this is not somehting everyone would agree/understand... a good article which i read last time answers this.
> 
> ...


I read your link. I can respect the views presented in it, and I can respect that it works for you and your wife. But I also think that the link seems to...oversimplify it? I'm not sure I've phrased that correctly, but it's what comes to mind. I mean, I notice attractive men, and I know that he notices attractive women. Neither of us is dead or completely devoid of sexual feelings, so of course we notice. But when it goes beyond that, into actually having sex with someone other than each other, that thought just hurts me too much. And although I can't ask him at the moment, I am relatively certain he would agree with me. 

I think the link tends to have a tone of "try it, you'll probably like it if you give it a chance", which is fine in general terms. But for someone like me, who would hesitate because I know how much the thought hurts, if we were to try it, we'd end up with massive problems in our relationship, because my most hurtful thought just became reality. 

I might have missed it, but if it doesn't have one, they might want to add a disclaimer that reminds people that this lifestyle is not for everyone and that if someone is not comfortable with it, they should not press forward.


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

i agree! but dont worry, if u read my post, i will always tell those who read it that this is only for those who are really open and are really aware of what their actions mean!

swapping/swinging is like a 2-edge sword, it can ruin the relationship at the instance if not careful. people who read this, do at ur own risk!


----------



## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

malmale said:


> well, for me i gave her the permission, she was with her "lover" then, he went from 1st-2nd base, but didnt go through it coz she wasnt in the right mindframe...
> 
> anyway, this is not somehting everyone would agree/understand... a good article which i read last time answers this.
> 
> ...


i agree here, swinging/swapping is def NOT NOT NOT for everyone, it is a feeling that is unexplainable. there are so many levels you can connect on with your spouse, DH and I have done this in the past and it draws us closer together as a couple. we are stronger and more in love than we have ever been before. there is respect trust and love for all involved, but, it is different than "married" love respect and trust. It opens up more doors and ideas in the bedroom, NOT everyone that does this falls for the OW/OM that is a blanket statement

IMHO, swinging/swapping is for couples who have *REAL* love trust respect for one another, they are NOT jealous and they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their DH/DW will not allow this lifestyle to go further than what is agreed.. YA YA YA, i know what you are going to say:
"but we are all human and we can not help falling for someone else that we are having sex"

Ok, here it is 

****ing/sex is just that, you are just having sex, you need to put yourself in that right frame of mind that this is all about SEX nothing else, no commitment no relationship *NOTHING MORE!!*

Making love is totally different, there ARE real emotions feelings sensations and a feeling of love between the couple. Intimacy is what you end up with. love is involved and nurtured between 2 people.

When you are swinging you are sharing a moment of pure sexual gratification/satisfaction, it has nothing to do with "oh, she is skinner/tighter, or he is bigger/thicker ect ect ect... sure, you may find someone that you like better, but, in the end, it is about SEX pure and simple..


i guess you do have to really have done this kind of thing and not be an emotional mess/jealous type to have this experience. 

and for those who think that this can lead to "other things" well then this is def not for you.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, that's the rub.

Some opine that sex can never be just sex. . .that it is a bonding experience between 2 adults - there is a chemical, psychological and spiritual bond in the act.

The other opinion is sex is just sex. . .just a release of tension and the pleasant friction between 2 genitals.


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

for wifey, she will only make love, she do not have sex, even with her current lover. i was surprised when the last time they tried to do it, she cant as she told me that she wished it was me trying to hump her n not her lover (me very very surprised)...

anyway, they are having some, if not a controlled emotional connection, she knows she will not be able to "love" him more than how she loves me, while he also knows that this is just for a short term coz he's getting married in january...

he has lately asked her to go on a 2-day-1-nite kinda vacation, for which i have also given my permission to wifey. as long as they do not engage in anything dangerous and i am assured of her safety, she has my blessing to have a good time... 

weird, but yeah, i think i remembered another term, am i being cuckolded?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Worst thing I ever said,
She wanted attention, you know,someone who she could talk to have sex with, and so on.
I thought she was to needy, and I had money to make, so I told her "go get a boy toy"
Our behavior's spun out of control, to a darkness I can not phathum.

I'm not sure who saved who here, but some say I saved her, others say she saved me. 
Dutch, something is wrong repair it don't add to it!


----------



## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I have presented that option many a time to my partner (since I don't really cut it in bed). He won't do it though. He says he only wants to have sex with me. Not sure why, because I am asexual and consequently I suck in bed, haha. But we agreed that if it gets to a point where he cannot put up with bad sex anymore, we will invoke "the arrangement". Hopefully knowing the option is still there will free him from feeling trapped, etc, and he won't feel doomed to a life of horrible sex. So all in all it is a good thing.


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

76Trombones said:


> I have presented that option many a time to my partner (since I don't really cut it in bed). He won't do it though. He says he only wants to have sex with me. Not sure why, because I am asexual and consequently I suck in bed, haha. But we agreed that if it gets to a point where he cannot put up with bad sex anymore, we will invoke "the arrangement". Hopefully knowing the option is still there will free him from feeling trapped, etc, and he won't feel doomed to a life of horrible sex. So all in all it is a good thing.


well, wifey may suck in bed too, and even with her lack of sexual advances, i know deep down that i will never be able to accept another woman into my life


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Hell No! If I wanted that I'd never marry. I thought marriage was between two people? I'm unclear why you would have a lifestyle like that and be married why not just be in love and messing around with others while not entering into a marriage?


----------



## Addicted2Love (Sep 30, 2010)

dutch said:


> Has your spouse or s/o ever given you permission to have sex with others, to fulfill needs that they can't or won't do?


No but I've thought about asking for his permission. 
I posted a thread about how he has no sex drive. Lots of good advice but nothing I haven't tried. I love my husband and don't want to divorce or have an affair but I've got needs he flat out refuses to satisfy. So the thought has crossed my mind to suggest we have an open marriage.


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

what does he feel about it?


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

dutch said:


> Has your spouse or s/o ever given you permission to have sex with others, to fulfill needs that they can't or won't do?


Don't even need to ask! No permission!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Trenton said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Hell No! If I wanted that I'd never marry. I thought marriage was between two people? I'm unclear why you would have a lifestyle like that and be married why not just be in love and messing around with others while not entering into a marriage?


Exactly the way i feel. However, i have "asked for permission" in an attempt to get him to show he cares. Not nice of me, i know. All i got is "if i can't offer that and you think you must have it, then go ahead". Obviously not the answer i wanted to hear. Then again, what i said was pretty offensive as well. Since then i'm having a pretty steamy affair with myself and porn while working on things. I figured it's the only right thing to do.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

dutch said:


> Has your spouse or s/o ever given you permission to have sex with others, to fulfill needs that they can't or won't do?


My wife is very aware of how much I miss making love to her, she has told me to get a girlfriend, I haven't, I'm moving to divorce because of the lack of real sex and real intimacy.

We have been married for over 20 years, we had a very good sex life until about two years ago, everything has gone downhill since then. 

A once close friend of w has told me she thinks w has deteriorated a lot these past years, I have to agree. I think Paxil is central to this.


----------



## geekchick (Oct 23, 2010)

That's what toys are for! Haven't had bad sex or boring sex with him ever. Instead of bringing another into your sex life, why not try role-playing, toys, some sort of experimenting? Swinging that way you both are still be satisfied?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

geekchick said:


> That's what toys are for! Haven't had bad sex or boring sex with him ever. Instead of bringing another into your sex life, why not try role-playing, toys, some sort of experimenting? Swinging that way you both are still be satisfied?


Toys sound like a good idea for increasing fun at home - I'm trying to figure out how I can play with others w/o developing an emotional connection, I'm pretty much an innocent, while w really enjoyed the 70s. Of course I'm the one with the high libido, w's down to 0 because of anti-depressants and menopause, but she seems to get pleasure from some activities.

We will be on vacation staying in two very liberal west coast cities soon, hotels & wine with meals have led to some memorable afternoons and evenings on two continents. I know we will be not far from toy stores. I'll bring cash or order from Amazon.


----------

