# Do you think it's important to have SO/Spouse to be truly happy?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Not sure if should post here or the Life ater divorce but, thought here would catch all.

Being that when I look back on my years of aging, haha, I never really had time of just being alone, me, without a boyfriend, etc. I know the concept of a spouse, boyfriend or what ever is to have somone to share life with, share happiness with and be each others best friends. Emphasis share...a word I think I lack.

Anyhow....any one wether married before or not, feel people (or yourself) are just as happy single as those who are just as happy married? 

Anyone think they are are more happy single then when married and not have desire to marry again?

Being I'm a product of growing up thinking I would be the Cinderella story, I'm finding (feeling) that not taking a break and being on own for a period of time could cause more damage in ones future than good. Although Cinderella never lived on her own, either did she.

I don't mean to sound silly here, but I am honestly curious to thoughts. An old friend of mine is currently going through second divorce. I think to my self "wow, there are issues there to be divorced twice at age 40" yet my friend claims they long for a good relationship, but not marriage. Which got me to thinking....could many be happy, maybe more happy without the 'marriage tie"?

Have a relative who's wife passed many years ago. He has for several years since, lived with a SO. Of course all kids grown so that wasn't an issue. But he and her seem very happy. Not married, yet if you didn't know that, you would think they were. But what does that mean? Why would we (or guess I rather) think a couple must be married if together a long time and very happy together? Again....I'm of view you have to have that I guess to truly be happy. Now I feel haunted by it all.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's hard to gauge how comfortable and secure you are in your own skin unless and until you have spent a lot of time with yourself ... alone.

Living by yourself can be empowering, or miserable. All a matter of perspective.

Although, one could certainly make the argument that you can be 'alone' even while living with someone else.

Make your own life great ... then look for someone to _compliment_ it, not complete it.

That, and one of my other nuggets is never, ever, make somebody else responsible for your happiness.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Deejo said:


> It's hard to gauge how comfortable and secure you are in your own skin unless and until you have spent a lot of time with yourself ... alone.
> 
> Living by yourself can be empowering, or miserable. All a matter of perspective.
> 
> ...


Thanks Deejo, perfect and understandably said. Admit when reading this, I feel so very stupid as it should be commen sense and something at this age, one definately should be aware of or know. 

Wonder if that is part of mariatal problems after so long? Mine at least. Never had that self empowerment, and....always looked for someone to _*complete, not compliment*_.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

emotionalwreck said:


> Thanks Deejo, perfect and understandably said. Admit when reading this, I feel so very stupid as it should be commen sense and something at this age, one definately should be aware of or know.
> 
> Wonder if that is part of mariatal problems after so long? Mine at least. Never had that self empowerment, and....always looked for someone to _*complete, not compliment*_.


EW, I think you summed it up better than anyone else could.

For myself, I'm in a better place now in marriage than I've been in my entire life. It's impossible to say if I would have been happy or unhappy if I had stayed single, but I can say confidently that my happiness does not depend completely on my spouse. Relying on someone else for your happiness isn't fair to either of you. A spouse someone you share your happiness with, not someone you expect to fulfill you.

But like I said, you said it better than I can.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

EW, I think the problem with it all, is that a lot of people have that whole "grass is greener on the other side" and then when they get there, they realize the inevitable. The grass can either be about the same, have different problems, or die within a month LOL.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

DawnD said:


> EW, I think the problem with it all, is that a lot of people have that whole "grass is greener on the other side" and then when they get there, they realize the inevitable. The grass can either be about the same, have different problems, or die within a month LOL.


I do agree DawnD. I am not referring to or in search of grass is greener. Just feeling now that possibly, some marriages, and basically refernecing mine, started wrong form very beginning as I did NOT have that self empowerment and I ALWAYS felt I was not complete unless had a companion. I should have felt and had the confidence of being complete without any of that. 

With that all said, I struggle tremendously in how do I find that confidence and completeness of myself? Me and H are on two totally different paths. Well, I more less jump back and forth. I jump over to his path, when feel it's best to avoid conflict or just don't want to deal with him being upset anymore. Then I jump back on mine. I do feel our generation gap plays part as well.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

I am going through a tough time now with my wife for the past four month. I do not like the fact of being alone, I guess time will tell if she realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side. It is hard when I am still in love with my wife and she seems to be too but does not know how to bounce back. I fear being alone, just because I was very comfortable with the wife I have.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I was very happy single, then I met this great guy(husband now) I couldn't see my life without him being a part of it. He added to my joy.

I'm not any happier, or unhappy, being married as I was when single, just different issues, and problems.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

My experience is that I was content alone. I was just fine with it and fine with the idea of alone forever, so yes I CAN be content to be alone. I also know that HAPPINESS for me, is found in sharing the greatness as well as the harshness of life with true partner, which in turn adds in all the fun stuff that is just better with someone else


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DawnD said:


> EW, I think the problem with it all, is that a lot of people have that whole "grass is greener on the other side" and then when they get there, they realize the inevitable. The grass can either be about the same, have different problems, or die within a month LOL.


I'm probably just getting a little goofy on a Friday afternoon--but I'd run with this analogy and say that we've all got to be able to mow our own lawns first. Then whether we stay in our own yard, go find a greener one or find out it's full of grubs and crabgrass--at least we know we can take care of it ourselves. :smthumbup:

Seriously though--if your happiness comes from other people, then every time they sway, you do too and that's a _lot_ of control to give up over your own life. I suppose it makes it easy in a lot of ways because then you are less accountable for what happens in your life--but it always seems to come at a price.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think some people are just "ROMANTICS" -it is a part of who they are. It is something they LOVE, they crave the company of their significant other. This is all good if things are going GOOD in the marraige/relationship.

BUt if this goes astray & they feel they can't cope *alone*, or they continually go back to to chaos -just so they wont be "*alone*", feeling they NEED this relationship like "water" . Then it would be considered a Love Addiction

Love Addicts Anonymous 

We shouldn't need another to "complete" who we are, we ARE complete in ourselves. I think many need to find their "new place" in life -after a lost relationship. Whether making some new friends, starting a new hobby, concentrating on being the best parent we can be, maybe finding a church we feel we belong, other connections, etc. We should find ourselves as a whole before moving onto the next relationship, this is wise. 

But to speak for myself , I hope I never face any of that. I accually FEAR it. I have not been alone since I was 15. I am the type that relishes in having my best friend, my Lover right beside me, every morning, every night, I want to ride through life with that person, doing all things as a pair. I LOVE being married. 


I do NOT feel I would be "content" being alone. I do not even want to go to McDonalds and sit & eat alone. Wouldn't enjoy it. And I dont think hanging out with my girlfriends would "fullfill" me in life. I would get very very bored. Love my kids but at the end of the day, I would still be dreaming of a Lover. 

I consider myself a "Romantic".


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I'm probably just getting a little goofy on a Friday afternoon--but I'd run with this analogy and say that we've all got to be able to mow our own lawns first. Then whether we stay in our own yard, go find a greener one or find out it's full of grubs and crabgrass--at least we know we can take care of it ourselves. :smthumbup:


So...(love this analogy by the way) if one has never tried to mow their own lawn and maitain it before....think that has set them up for potential unhappiness in future of one who has a greenthumb?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think some people are just "ROMANTICS" -it is a part of who they are. It is something they LOVE, they crave the company of their significant other. This is all good if things are going GOOD in the marraige/relationship.
> 
> BUt if this goes astray & they feel they can't cope *alone*, or they continually go back to to chaos -just so they wont be "*alone*", feeling they NEED this relationship like "water" . Then it would be considered a Love Addiction
> 
> ...


Thank you. I guess that is me too. I have never eaten alone in a restuarant or sat at a bar and had a drink bymyself. Only thing I have ever done alone is shopping. After 18yrs together, H wants it to me just us. Me, him and our DD. He even states that's all he needs to be happy. If we lived on an island with no other civilization, he would still be very content and happy. Me...I'd go insane. Now, after all these years, I as mentioned by COGypsy, I want to be able to mow my own lawn and know I can maitain it beautifully.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

emotionalwreck said:


> Thank you. I guess that is me too. I have never eaten alone in a restuarant or sat at a bar and had a drink bymyself. Only thing I have ever done alone is shopping. After 18yrs together, H wants it to me just us. Me, him and our DD. He even states that's all he needs to be happy. If we lived on an island with no other civilization, he would still be very content and happy. Me...I'd go insane. Now, after all these years, I as mentioned by COGypsy, I want to be able to mow my own lawn and know I can maitain it beautifully.


I have not followed your story , it sounds like YOU want out -and you feel this is how you may find yourself . Not him. But he must be frustrating you terribly. 

My husband would say the same as yours. As for me, I wouldn't go insane, I would choose him, but I would REALLY miss the communicative interaction with others. I need so much more than him. My husband is a bit of a loner & on the quiet side. Love him but I need to haggle and annoy other people from time to time.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> So...(love this analogy by the way) if one has never tried to mow their own lawn and maitain it before....think that has set them up for potential unhappiness in future of one who has a greenthumb?


:lol:

Oh, I mostly just think it's never too late to learn how to push a mower and turn on a sprinkler. It might be a little more frustrating to learn something new later in life--but it's totally do-able if you decide to do it. People mow lawns and plant flowers every day, right? 

Kind of like "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane....she's frustrated with her life, goes on a tourist trip to Italy and on total impulse buys an old villa. She moves in and finds out it's literally crumbling around her. I think she eventually falls in love at the end, but not until she's figured out how to restore the villa, speak Italian and make friends with the old caretakers and build herself a little life in her crazy, crumbling new locale.

I think that's how it went anyway....it's been awhile, but I seem to remember that being the gist of it....


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have not followed your story , it sounds like YOU want out -and you feel this is how you may find yourself . Not him. But he must be frustrating you terribly.


This is correct and truly pains me to feel this way after being together 18yrs, 12 married, soon to be 13. He is of mind set if divorce/seperate, it was a mistake. An 18 yr mistake. I don't see it that way, but maybe since I've never been through it and he has, that's where I'm blind. I just don't know.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> :lol:
> 
> Oh, I mostly just think it's never too late to learn how to push a mower and turn on a sprinkler. It might be a little more frustrating to learn something new later in life--but it's totally do-able if you decide to do it. People mow lawns and plant flowers every day, right?


So very true and I soooo want to plant beautiful fragrant flowers :rofl: to smile and enjoy every day.


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