# Angry all the time



## Wally (Feb 4, 2009)

I'm married 19 years to a strong first born woman, and I'm struggling to make things work. I find I'm increasingly unhappy, grouchy and angry just below the surface all the time. 

I spent 10 years self employed as an artisan, sometimes supporting us, and sometimes not. I recently started back up as an artisan after a couple years of working in a factory. At this point she's earning more than me, and I depend on her to pay the bills. I dont want to leave, but if I did at this point I couldn't. 

My problem is that I just can't stand for her to run my life any more. Over the years I've allowed her take over the finances, run my small business, control our social activities and so on. She's bossy, and expects that as long as her decision is right, we should do what she says. To her, right is more important than respectful and she rarely gives ground. So she constantly pushes into my space, making suggestions on how to run my business, what products to build, how to market, what colors to use, on and on. I've wanted to sell our too expensive home for several years so I could afford to build my business as an artisan, but she won't agree, so we are continually under financial pressure. She won't say, but I feel the pressure to go 'take a real job'. But in the past my work has supported us adequately. 

Add to this that she is completely willing to go outside the relationship to get her needs met (emotional and otherwise) while I'm not really motivated to do this. She's done this at least twice, and has expressed that if the relationship isn't meeting her needs, she has the right to find what she needs outside. I've objected, but true to form she still thinks she is right. I've recently come to realize that I can't live being paranoid, and at this point I can't really do anything about it anyway, so I just leave it alone. But it eats at me, and it makes me want to pull away so I'm not so vulnerable. 

Two big forces making me want to be separate from my wife of nearly 20 years. I want to fix this, either by learning to be more separate while married in some mutually respectful way. Or to learn about being divorced and do what has to be done. I don't think that's the case, but I have to be willing to go there at some level. I open to advice here. 

Mostly, I just need a reality check. After 20 years of marriage, mostly good, I don't think I can really see the forest for the trees. 

Thanks for letting me vent!


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

The anger is your intuition telling you to take action. To step up and be a man for your wife and also to grow the business. Use the anger wisely and let it serve you, your wife and your business in a positive way. Make sure this energy doesn't go wasted.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow your wife sounds like my oldest sister. she is first born, too. are you a middle child? youngest? 

my sister is such a strong willed person. she has two businesses, goes to college, and has two kids. She tells her H how to do his business. when i was visiting her she went into his office and started telling him what he should be doing. she said it kind of teasingly, but I could tell she wasnt teasing. he's a counselor though, so i think he knows how to handle her. lol

although, my sister would never go outside the marriage to get her needs met. thats just unacceptable. 

I dont think you're going to change your wife. i know my sister will never change. it takes a certain kind of person to be able to appreciate her driven personality. 

i agree with greatermindset. your anger is telling you, you need to act. if she's going outside the marriage to get her needs me you have to do something. find some way to leave.


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