# Why Do Men and Women Cheat?



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Infidelity or extramarital affairs have been extensively studied over the past two decades. 

Basically, when it comes to infidelity, two related explanations have been given. 

The first explanation is probably the most well known: Spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship - something is missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or who appreciates them more than their current spouse, and so on. 

Simply stated, people claim that they are not happy in their relationship so they look for love and affection elsewhere.

The second explanation is more detailed in nature. This explanation ignores the reasons that people "give" for cheating and looks deeper into our human nature. 

The second explanation explores what it means to be human and asks, "why is being faithful to a spouse so difficult for many people to do?"

Probably the best way to think about these two explanations is to view them as two sides of the same coin. 

One explanation looks at what people "say" about infidelity, while the other explanation looks at "how and why infidelity" occurs. 

Together, both explanations give us a more complete picture about infidelity, love and romance. 



How Do People Make the Decision To Cheat?

To start with, human sexuality is incredibly complex. Decisions about our sexual behavior are typically not planned in advance. Few people intentionally plan on committing infidelity (at least not the first time it happens). 

When making promises to be faithful, most people are serious and have every intention of keeping their word. 

But while people generally have the best intentions when making such promises, human behavior is not always governed by the fact that vows were taken and that promises were made. 

When it comes to making decisions about love and betrayal, logic and reason have a difficult time competing with our emotions for control. So from time to time, our emotions influence our behavior and lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling. 

In fact, three separate emotional systems are involved in cheating - sexual desire, romantic love, and attachment. And often these distinct emotional systems pull people in different directions (see, Typology of Cheating - Truth, Lies and Romance Blog). 

The movie, Unfaithful, does a great job of portraying how infidelity occurs. In this movie, Diane Lane's character plays a happy housewife, who cheats on her husband, because of a chance encounter with an attractive stranger. Her emotions, in particular, her sexual desire, gets the best of her resulting in decisions which even she finds appalling. 

In short, most infidelity occurs, not because it is planned, but because people find themselves in situations where their emotions overwhelm them. 

What types of situations influence our emotions and bring out the worst in our behavior?

Being close or interdependent on someone other than one’s spouse
Being around someone who is sexually interested
Spending a lot of time one-on-one with someone else
Not feeling close or connected to one’s spouse (e.g., feeling lonely, being upset or angry with a spouse, etc.)
Situations that create the sense of opportunity - the feeling that one will not get caught (e.g., meeting someone in private, out of town trips, etc.).
Situations involving alcohol or drugs
When placed in these types of situations, one's emotions often prompt people to act in ways which are contrary to what is right. On occasion, poor decisions get made. Unfortunately, for many people, it is very difficult to always be in control of one's emotions when placed in these types of situations. 

What about "will power" or "self-restraint?" 

Research shows that "will power" or "self-restraint," alone, does little to change or influence our behavior. 

In fact, some cultures have decided that individual "will power" and "self-restraint" can not be trusted. Some cultures have made the decision that the best way to prevent infidelity is to make sure that the situations listed above do not occur - essentially, controlling situations is the best way to control behavior. 

In western cultures, however, we place greater value on individual responsibility. We do not collectively try to prevent these types of situations from occurring. Rather we allow situations to happen, but then we hold individuals accountable for their behavior and we expect people to behave appropriately. 

Individuals are supposed to exercise their self-restraint and have the will power to control their emotions and their actions. 

Unfortunately, for many people this does not work. 

Perhaps a somewhat related example will help bring home this point. 

Relying on will power or self-restraint also fails to work when dieting. The very same problem occurs - people make promises and vows they can not keep. More often than not, will power and self-restraint are not enough to control one's weight. To diet successfully, more drastic measures are often needed. Successful dieting often requires a change in lifestyle, environment, social networks, and sometimes even surgery. 

Of course, there are some important differences between dieting and trying to be faithful to one's spouse. The consequences of cheating are much more severe than the consequences of failing a diet (most people admit to failing a diet, but not to cheating). In any case, people do struggle with these issues and making promises alone typically does not result in a lasting change. 

Overall, infidelity, like many other human behaviors, is difficult to control. Being faithful to a spouse is more complicated than simply making promises to do so. 

Being faithful to a spouse often requires avoiding situations which bring out the worst in our behavior...



Role of Sexual Desire
Part of the reason why infidelity is so common stems directly from our sexual desire. 

Our desire for sex, whether we are conscious of it or not, is one of life's most basic and fundamental needs (see, sexual desire, love and attachment, Buss, Barash and Lipton, Ridley). 

To begin with, we want to apologize for coming across as sexist. But when talking about sexual desire, some sexism is involved. There are some sex differences between men and women. 

And for the most part, our sexual desire influences a lot of our behavior and we are not always aware of its influence. 

For example, why are most women so concerned about their appearance – looking young and beautiful – even putting on make-up to enhance their beauty? In fact, it is estimated that people spend more money on trying to appear beautiful than we do on education (see, Etcoff). 

And why are men so obsessed with status, respect, and success? And why are they so concerned about their height?

People care so much about these issues because they are directly linked to our sexual behavior. 

Why is sex so important? 

Because whether we like to acknowledge it or not, our sexual desire underlies much of what we do. 

The long story, told short:

For a more detailed discussion about how evolution shaped our human nature, please see the section on evolution and human behavior (also see, Buss, Tooby and Cosmides, Pinker, Ridley).

Otherwise, here is an abbreviated version:

Evolution shaped human behavior – how we think, feel, and behave. And most of the time we are not aware of the motivations that influence our behavior – life kept many of the factors that influence our behavior hidden from us (we don’t really need to know why we do the things we do, just as long as we do them). 

But, evolution rewards life forms that survive, reproduce and help relatives get ahead (called, inclusive fitness, see Hamilton). So evolution rewarded humans that were sexual in nature – we are all the descendants of individuals who were driven and motivated to act on their sexual impulses. Accordingly, people today are stuck with the sexual desires which drove our ancestors to reproduce (and this process went on for millions and millions of years). 

And whether we like it or not (again, evolution didn’t care that we liked what we were doing, just as long as we did it), cheating is a part of our sexual desire. For millions of years, people who cheated on their mates reproduced faster than more sexually reserved individuals (cheaters won at the game of creating offspring). So now the desire to cheat is a universal part of our human nature - something we inherited a long time ago from our cheating ancestors. 

This, however, does NOT mean that EVERYONE will cheat; it only means that the tendency to cheat is innate - it's part of who we are.
So, why do some people act on their desire to cheat while others remain faithful...


What Type of Person is the Most Likely to Cheat?

While the desire to cheat is a fundamental, and unconscious, part of our human nature, not everyone will be unfaithful. 

Like most of our behaviors, infidelity is not intentional, but, for the most part, it is situationally driven. 

When placed in the right situation (or wrong situation, in this case), our emotions can get can prompt us to act in ways which are counter to our beliefs. Please note that some of the factors listed below are drawn from Buss and Shackelford's work on infidelity (also see, stats about infidelity). 

What factors influence an individual's willingness to cheat?

Attractiveness

All things being equal, an individual’s attractiveness influences how likely he or she is to cheat. Attraction comes in many different forms – it is influenced by one’s physical appearance, one’s social skills, and one’s tangible resources (money). The more one is in demand, the more likely one is to cheat. People, who have higher incomes, more education, and successful careers, are more likely to cheat than people who are less successful. And physical attractiveness also plays an important role (see, face of a cheater - Lying and Cheating Blog).

Opportunity

Again, all things being equal, the more individual free time people have the more likely they are to cheat. Couples who have separate social lives, friends, careers, travel plans, and so on are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend most of their time together. The more opportunity people have to cheat, the greater the odds that cheating will occur.

Risk Taking

People who like to take risks or have a sense of adventure are more likely to cheat than people who are more fearful or timid by nature. And there is most likely a genetic component involved in risk-taking behavior - some people may be predisposed to taking risks (see, understanding genetics).

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire varies from person to person. Some people have a very high sex drive while other people are much less concerned or interested in sex. And people with a high, rather than low, sex drive are more likely to cheat. Again, sexual desire appears to be influenced by genetic factors. Some people are inherently more easily aroused and driven by their desire for sex than other people (see, webMD). People who have multiple affairs are often addicted to the novelty and excitement which infidelity can provide (also see, coolidge effect).
Attitude Toward Love and Romance
Attachment and Love Styles

Some people view love and romance as a sacred bond between two individuals. Other people see love as a game, where the goal is to manipulate another individual and gain emotional power over a partner (see, ludus and lovefraud). People who view love as a game are much more likely to have multiple love interests; cheating is just another way to gain control over one's spouse. Also, people with a dismissing style of attachment, are more likely to cheat (see, attachment styles and born to stray and genetic basis for infidelity).

Relational Problems

As problems emerge in a relationship, people are more likely to cheat. Infidelity is more common in relationships where people feel misunderstood, under appreciated and where fighting and bickering is common.

Sense of Entitlement

Some people, due to their position in society, their beliefs about gender roles, or their cultural upbringing, believe that it is their right to cheat on their partners. In other words, some people believe that cheating is a privilege to which they are entitled. Such individuals, philanders, often engage in infidelity with little guilt or remorse.


Edit***
Here is the link -
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/why-people-cheat.html


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

How about a broken morale compass and/or have there own issues.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Desire & Free will.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Bigwayneo said:


> How about a broken morale compass and/or have there own issues.


That about covers it.

Nice try though, Ladybyrd.

I wish you didn't post this ridiculous thing, because now i feel like i am picking on you. Oh well.. 

How is this for evolution...

5% of the spouses in the Russian Federation cheat. Over 65% of spouses in the US cheat. Why do you think that is? Did they develop differently than Humans in the US? Unless you want to add "Bigot" to your resume... You have to concede that evolution has little to do with being a douche... er.. cheater. It is about Values.

You talk about a persons primal instincts being a good "reason" for why people cheat. I actually like that thought process. You know why? Because when the cops come to arrest me, i can say " It was a primal need to bash her skull in with a rock officer"

This post is nothing more that an attempt to say " I cheated and I am not a douche." Embrace the douchiness and stop making excuses. My wife is a douche and I still love her. I forgave her because she was not trying to justify her behavior with some bull crap post that says we are prone to cheating. 

There was a movie quote about this post... Here ya go:

"what you've just said... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Laddy, can you post the lnk to your article in your post?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Good scientific explanation, sure it covers the background but howabout: just couldn't discuss problems with spouse so I found OP discussed with them finally had sex, dropped the bomb went crazy. Why because so far all the cheating spouses I have learned about suddenly couldn't have their way, have low self esteem and lack self confidence hmmm anybody else got one like that. No excuse if you did it own it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> That about covers it.
> 
> Nice try though, Ladybyrd.
> 
> ...


Well, lets not get too rash here. Some of this is scientifically plausible. Some of these correlations have even been studied.

You would be surprised what evolutionary demons are hiding in your inner brain right now. Did u know that a certain number of your sperm have no other purpose than to seek and destroy other male sperm, to inrease the chances that your sperm gets to fertilize the egg. Now, why would that be if, a few bazillions years ago evolution thought it prudent to develop the tendency in females to mate with as many males as possible in the shortest amount of time to increase the chances of fertilizing her eggs.

Yes, only 5% of Russians cheat. You know why? Because the soviet government has frowned upon any national spending for sexual surveys for decades...surveys for sexual statistics have always been a taboo subject in the union. Why? National surveys are exorbitantly expensive, and no one really cared. So, the 5% statistic is probably grossly flawed. I would probably say it's about 60 percent lower than what it truly is, if I had to guess.

On a side note, there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support the popular meme that women hit thier sexual peak later then men. This is probably one of the most widely accepted urban myths of all mankind. Think about it...why the heck would Evolution throw such a monkey wrench into the reproduction of the species than separating the sexual peaks of men and women! Just thought I'd share that, since we are on the topic of evolution and sex....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I have read that women do actually experience that sexual peak like a teenage male due to drop of estrogen which therefore allows testosterone in and at an increase. This not being taught women don't know how to handle it hence the MILF hooking up with the high school QB ETC. Just what I have read. And medically scientifically fatty tissue does store estrogen so thinner females are more likely to have this surge.
But in the end willpower and decision making.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Motive, Means and Opportunity.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Here is the link -
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/why-people-cheat.html


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Cheating is a choice. Full stop. One can always decline an offer if they choose to.
I had a male acquaintance, who told me that he needs "variety" and chooses to cheat on his woman, with wives. This slimeball started sending dirty bbm messages.
You know what? I CHOSE to delete him and break off contact. I could have made the choice to be an unfaithful spouse, but I did not. Men try to pick me up all the time. I wave my left hand at them and say "No thanks. I'm married."
I have invested too much in our four years together, to throw it away for sex with someone else. Growing up with infidelity cemented my disgust with people who break their vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Did u know that a certain number of your sperm have no other purpose than to seek and destroy other male sperm, to inrease the chances that your sperm gets to fertilize the egg.


I didn't know that but....

That fact is FULL OF WIN!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not know I had deadly gladiator, Black Ops ninja swimmers! 

That is most epic news!! WOOT WOOT!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lots of sanctimonous individuals in here who have apparently never faced sleepless nights struggling with whether they should stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids, or abandon it for a chance at real love. Where there is no "right" decision. 

Which part of "love, honour, and cherish" is covered by spending 14 hours a day playing video games, abandoning your spouse to raise the kids on their own? How about withholding sex for 6 months at a time before grudingly giving in for a 15 minute bout of pity sex on a birthday or anniversary? Drinking every night to the point of passing out? Ignoring repeated requests by your spouse to work through the issues that are causing them to cry themselves to sleep? I'm sure that's all ok in the wedding vows... But cheating? Apparently that's the only thing that's not allowed.

Yes, you didn't deserve to be betrayed. But ask yourself if you honoured your vows first (and I know that two wrongs don't make a right). I never thought I'd cheat on my spouse, but I also never thought I'd separate with the intention of getting a divorce. I thought (wrongly) that maybe if I could have my intimacy needs met discretely outside the marriage, maybe I could hang on till the kids were old enough to deal with things. Yes, it was a bad decision. I'll admit that. It was also entirely my decision. But it truly took two people to get me to the point that it was even a consideration. 

My purpose in posting or even reading in this forum is not to encourage anyone else to cheat on their spouse. In fact, I encourage everyone I can that they should not do what I did. But if this forum is strictly for wounded spouses to prop each other up, telling themselves that it was all their wayward spouses fault, maybe we could change the forum name. If you won't listen to some of the things that might have caused your spouse to reach their decision point, good luck in your next relationship... 

Douche Bag C


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I didn't know that but....
> 
> That fact is FULL OF WIN!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


Lol. I remember, back in university days, I imagined it as a miniature all out aerial battle, with little wing men running defense on the stronger sperm, full of electronic countermeasures and tactical strike missiles in the ready to obliterate any competition out there....lol.

Strange what you remember....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> Lots of sanctimonous individuals in here who have apparently never faced sleepless nights struggling with whether they should stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids, or abandon it for a chance at real love. Where there is no "right" decision.
> 
> Which part of "love, honour, and cherish" is covered by spending 14 hours a day playing video games, abandoning your spouse to raise the kids on their own? How about withholding sex for 6 months at a time before grudingly giving in for a 15 minute bout of pity sex on a birthday or anniversary? Drinking every night to the point of passing out? Ignoring repeated requests by your spouse to work through the issues that are causing them to cry themselves to sleep? I'm sure that's all ok in the wedding vows... But cheating? Apparently that's the only thing that's not allowed.
> 
> ...


PBear,

Don't get discouraged by some of your experiences on here. This forum is great for both loyals and way wards to gain some great support. Just keep in mind that a lot of people are hurt on this site, as are you.

For one, I can respect that you are looking for answers and support on this forum. There I also a lot of straight talk on this site, sometimes harsh, or sometimes just brutally honest. Take what you need in your quest, and ignore the rest. Don't take anything personal. I myself have been shot down, called, weak, silly, stupid, you name it. But it was honest feedback, at least in my case, so just keep searching to get what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

There are definitely the marriage issues but I can tell u this I stuck to my vows supported my wife put her through school thought I was doing ok because the only complaint was u r messy, admittedly I am. She's not perfect either. But if she had once told me all her complaints as straight foward before the A as she did after I would have been fix fix fixing and then some. Everything was always ok. She seemed happy all the flak began after she connected in the A. How can u fix what u don't know is broken. ??????????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do people cheat?

Revenge, anger, mommy/daddy issues, laziness, spite, fear, loneliness, substance abuse, sociopathy, misogyny, man hate, abusive denial of sex and intimacy.


Oh I'm sorry were you looking for the good reasons? My bad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> PBear,
> 
> Don't get discouraged by some of your experiences on here. This forum is great for both loyals and way wards to gain some great support. Just keep in mind that a lot of people are hurt on this site, as are you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that, and I'm ok with the conversations that take place on this site. If I didn't have a thick enough skin, I would have left awhile ago. Or kept my mouth shut, one of the two... And sometimes we all need some tough love. 

C


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

PBear said:


> Lots of sanctimonous individuals in here who have apparently never faced sleepless nights struggling with whether they should stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids, or abandon it for a chance at real love. Where there is no "right" decision.


If you cant do the time, Dont do the crime.



PBear said:


> Which part of "love, honour, and cherish" is covered by spending 14 hours a day playing video games, abandoning your spouse to raise the kids on their own?


I changed my ways, and became a wonderfully involved husband who meets and exceeds my wife's every expectations (her words). Did you "uncheat" yet? Let me know how that goes for you.



PBear said:


> I'm sure that's all ok in the wedding vows... But cheating? Apparently that's the only thing that's not allowed.


Since we are on the subject of church weddings...

Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."

Colossians 3:5

"Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming."

So yeah, I guess cheating is not allowed. 




PBear said:


> But it truly took two people to get me to the point that it was even a consideration.


I will agree that your spouse probably drove you to feeling alone and withdrawn. Hell, i know i did that to my wife. But if a guy cuts in front of you in line, does that give you the right to bash in his skull? Feelings.... Reactions to those feelings...get it? This is such a simple thing that even children know "If Johnny calls you names, you don't punch him, you tell a teacher" Jeez.



PBear said:


> But if this forum is strictly for wounded spouses to prop each other up, telling themselves that it was all their wayward spouses fault, maybe we could change the forum name.


I appreciate cheaters perspectives, but when they start in with the excuses and reason and justification - it is insulting to my intelligence. The "you made me feel" followed by " so i .." is ridiculous. It is a punishment that far exceeds the crime.

When i read things like " i regret it not getting physical" or some third grade argument like "But ask yourself if you honoured your vows first " I just roll my eyes, lay down and wait for the world to explode. How can I possibly place value in those opinions? I am sorry, but i dont live in that world. My world says you blew it kiddo, just admit it with no excuses like i did.

I didn't sit there and say "You made me withdraw when your dad died" or anything like that. Has it even occurred to you people that your spouses treated you badly (which you claim made you cheat) for a reason too? Thats right stud muffins and muffinettes, you might have cheated because felt unloved, but there is a reason you were unloved- ask your spouses for those reasons. I honestly can not even believe i am having this conversation. Sheeesh!!





PBear said:


> Douche Bag C


The first step to solving a problem, is recognizing you have one.

Not my words, not my quote. But right on the money.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

No one can ever convince me that I can cheat. That is just them trying to make excuses for their own weakness.

I believe some people just will not cheat because they have decided to never cheat. Can’t you understand that? Does that not make sense?

Let me try to explain this another way….. I will not ever try crack-cocaine because I have a functioning brain, and I know it is a very bad thing to do. I will never cheat because I have a functioning brain, and I know it is a very bad thing to do.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but "my bad marriage made me do it" is a cop-out, imo. Thousands, nay, millions of people are in bad marriages and don't cheat.

My husband neglected me for nine years, getting progressively worse as the years went on. Now he's downright mean. I am deeply unhappy, unfulfilled and practically invisible in my own home. 

But I've never cheated. You know why? I *chose* not to.

Neglect, unhappiness, lack of sex, rain, green beans for dinner - they're all just excuses and rationalizations to help the cheater feel less guilty for their trangression(s).

If life is so bad that PersonX needs an extramarital affair to validate his/her self-worth, then PersonX needs to inform his/her spouse of those impulses (so they can be addressed) and/or leave his/her*** marriage (if still left without any needs met, yet also still saddled with the _expectation_ of marital fidelity). That's what's right, and adulterers usually know that, deep down, which is why they need to rationalize: to protect their idealized versions of themselves.

You know, by this logic I _deserve_ to cheat, too. To find some guy who'll fill me up, at least for a while, with everything I don't get from my husband. But I don't. Because it's wrong.

The wronged spouse may well contribute (and in all likelihood has contributed) to the toxicity of the marriage, but I've as yet to hear of one that held a gun to the adulterer's head and forced him/her into betrayal.

I completely understand *feeling* like you're being driven to cheat; I will never excuse, in any way, *acting* on that impulse. I may be able to forgive (maybe), but I will not excuse.


*** - gah, English really needs a gender-neutral pronoun


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> If you cant do the time, Dont do the crime.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Twotime, your awesome. (is this a man crush....a little):rofl:

But in all seriousness, you hit it on the head on every approach here. As much as the book "Surviving an Affair" did help, I also disagreed with that same bit as well.


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## yruhere (Aug 28, 2012)

disbelief said:


> Good scientific explanation, sure it covers the background but howabout: just couldn't discuss problems with spouse so I found OP discussed with them finally had sex, dropped the bomb went crazy. Why because so far all the cheating spouses I have learned about suddenly couldn't have their way, have low self esteem and lack self confidence hmmm anybody else got one like that. No excuse if you did it own it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm still trying to figure out the "whys?" He doesn't want to talk about it. How can you understand if you don't know?


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