# Confused



## Dj Husband (Feb 20, 2014)

I am new to this site and looking for advice from people who are open and honest. It may sound a little like a rant but I really need to talk to someone about this. I have been married for five year, since my second year in marriage my wife slowed down our sex life tremendously. Always saying she is not in the mood and she don't really like sex much. Our sex life have come to a crawl, in the past we would only have sex on special occasions and few odd times in the year. Now it have slowed so much that special occasions such as valentines or christmas or even my birthday don't merit me getting lucky but then there are the odd days every 3 months or so when she comes around me acting like she don't want to have sex but actually initiates it and at the end says things like "I didn't really want to". This really annoys me because i feel like if she isn't into me, so why not just lets go separate ways. She also does this thing that makes me noticeably angry, where she waits till we are in public with my friends and sad says things like "I cant wait to reach home to screw your brains out" or " I have plans for you tonight" and all our friends will be like "Wow, you lucky man" only to reach home all excited and she say something like "that was just talk" and go to her room (and yes she made it that we sleep in different rooms). She says its because I snore and keep her up, I know that most times I do keep her up with the snoring and yes sometimes she invites me to come sleep by her but thats just what its for to sleep. She says she could get a puppy to do that. The next part of the problem is that I am a sex addict, like cant control myself and to avoid cheating it has turned into a porn addiction. She confuses me so much that I am totally lost because at times she flirts and talks to me about her with other girls and speaks to me also about us going to an adult resort for a week to explore more about our sexuality and in the same breath she shuts me down of trying to open up my sexual desires to her and tries to keep hers from me. I constantly asked and offered her ways out of the marriage but she persists that she doesn't want that. What you think I should do?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Run. 

That is one crazy woman. 

Really who knows? 

Maybe she just really needs to be dominated or maybe she just really likes to put on an act for your friends and has no interest in sex. 

Does she masturbate?


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## Dj Husband (Feb 20, 2014)

She used to masturbate but now idk and I know she dont use her toys because all of them in the room where I sleep.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Dj Husband said:


> This really annoys me because i feel like if she isn't into me, so why not just lets go separate ways. I constantly asked and offered her ways out of the marriage but she persists that she doesn't want that. What you think I should do?


Why are you asking her if she wants out of the marriage? 

If this isn't the kind of marriage you want, do not accept it. The way it reads it really doesn't sound like she's into you.

Simply tell her you do not want a sexless marriage and do not want to be with a woman who is not into you. You want to go your separate ways.

If it truly is not what she wants, she will make efforts to fix the problem. And not a quick one time sexual encounter followed by months of nothing....a consistent effort. Otherwise I think you are in the right line of thinking to go your separate ways. People treat you the way you allow them to.

And if she doesn't try and address the issue, you have your answer. But you have to be prepared to act on it.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Bloody hell, talk about leading you on. I would not like this at all. I am trying to figure out what her actual problem is.

Obviously shes trying to make out shes something shes not in front of her friends, telling them all this crap that is not true, the worse part is tho shes giving you false hope, shes leading you on then totally blowing you out!!!.

I have to agree with a PP sounds crazy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A look at your other threads makes it pretty clear that there's a lot wrong in your marriage besides just the sexual problems. And I'm not entirely sure that your wife is the only one at fault. You both seem to have some unhealthy behaviors that are creating a very unhealthy dynamic.

I highly recommend that the two of you get into marriage counseling as soon as possible.


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## Dj Husband (Feb 20, 2014)

Last night she said she scared to leave because she dont want to be left alone and for other reasons. She also said that she believes I cheated or will cheat because she knows I like sex alot and she not having it with me. From a prior thread I explained how she made a big issue because she thought I was sleeping with someone else due to the rumor mill at our work place, but honestly we spend every waking hr together. We wake, dress, commute to work, work, eat, commute home and have dinner together then sleep apart. Thats our daily routine so I asked her where I getting the time to mess around. Even true friends of our marriage asked her that same thing. I just want my wife to be real with me and open up and let me know whats the problem.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Serious personality disorder ahead... Danger Will Robinson...

Have you ever thought of raining on her parade when she's among the girls and croons "I have plans for you tonight"??? Something like, the last time you had plans for me you went straight to YOUR bedroom and slept alone"...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dj Husband said:


> I am new to this site and looking for advice from people who are open and honest. It may sound a little like a rant but I really need to talk to someone about this. I have been married for five year, since my second year in marriage my wife slowed down our sex life tremendously. Always saying she is not in the mood and she don't really like sex much. Our sex life have come to a crawl, in the past we would only have sex on special occasions and few odd times in the year. Now it have slowed so much that special occasions such as valentines or christmas or even my birthday don't merit me getting lucky but then there are the odd days every 3 months or so when she comes around me acting like she don't want to have sex but actually initiates it and at the end says things like "I didn't really want to". This really annoys me because i feel like if she isn't into me, so why not just lets go separate ways. She also does this thing that makes me noticeably angry, where she waits till we are in public with my friends and sad says things like "I cant wait to reach home to screw your brains out" or " I have plans for you tonight" and all our friends will be like "Wow, you lucky man" only to reach home all excited and she say something like "that was just talk" and go to her room (and yes she made it that we sleep in different rooms). She says its because I snore and keep her up, I know that most times I do keep her up with the snoring and yes sometimes she invites me to come sleep by her but thats just what its for to sleep. She says she could get a puppy to do that. The next part of the problem is that I am a sex addict, like cant control myself and to avoid cheating it has turned into a porn addiction. She confuses me so much that I am totally lost because at times she flirts and talks to me about her with other girls and speaks to me also about us going to an adult resort for a week to explore more about our sexuality and in the same breath she shuts me down of trying to open up my sexual desires to her and tries to keep hers from me. I constantly asked and offered her ways out of the marriage but she persists that she doesn't want that. What you think I should do?


Can I ask why you love her? What is it about her that pushed your buttons and makes you feel like being with her is so important?


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## Dj Husband (Feb 20, 2014)

I honestly dont want to call her out on her BS because that will mean a bigger fight if one happens upon reaching home. 

To answer Anon question, I fell in love with her because she was the one person who was willing to help me from the ground up. When we met I had just started my business and she helped me through it all and showed me that she cared for me as a person.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dj Husband said:


> I honestly dont want to call her out on her BS because that will mean a bigger fight if one happens upon reaching home.
> 
> To answer Anon question, I fell in love with her because she was the one person who was willing to help me from the ground up. When we met I had just started my business and she helped me through it all and showed me that she cared for me as a person.


Okay, so back then she met some very important needs and like everyone else who falls in love you assumed she would continue to always meet those needs.

But what keeps your love for her alive right now? Today, do you love her? If so, why?


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

I feel for you DJ. This bait and switch BS is confusing as hell. 
I'd suggest calling her on her BS in a round about way. If your snoring bothers her that much, seek medical advice on how to overcome it. Then tell her that you're moving back into the marital bed. Don't be a **** about it. Tell her you've seeked medical advice for the snoring coz you realise that the way things are carrying on now, wouldn't be long before you both check out emotionally and you don't want that. Then have a shower and get into the marital bed. Don't attempt sex or any intimacy for at least the first week. Hold her and stuff. Bring her coffee in bed in the mornings. Check your resentment at the door every evening when you get home. She'll notice. 
Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Dj Husband said:


> Last night she said she scared to leave because she dont want to be left alone and for other reasons. She also said that she believes I cheated or will cheat because she knows I like sex alot and she not having it with me.


Both are an easy fix. All she has to do is sleep with you. 

Surely she's intelligent enough to see the obvious? I think there are other reasons that she's not telling you.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Dj Husband said:


> I honestly dont want to call her out on her BS because that will mean a bigger fight if one happens upon reaching home.
> 
> To answer Anon question, I fell in love with her because she was the one person who was willing to help me from the ground up. When we met I had just started my business and she helped me through it all and showed me that she cared for me as a person.


You really need to put a hard stop to her mindf*cking you in front of your friends. It's dishonest and disrespectful, and when you let her get away with it she'll respect you even less. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but you can let her know in private that you won't accept that anymore. That way the next time she tries it, she's had fair warning.


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

Yip, her claiming that she's about to screw your brains out as soon as you get home and not delivering confuses me too. It's like she has no regard for your feelings and sees nothing wrong with dangling the carrot to get what she wants. I'd find a way to call her out on that BS in front of the friends but without making a scene or making too much known to your circle of friends. 
It used to surprise me at what one person/couple would consider Ok while the exact same would be no go areas for others. In this case, my wife would never ever make a statement like that and expect to get away with it with me simply laughing it off. I'd probably reply with something along the lines of "hold up till next week if you don't mind, I feel I'm going to have a headache for the next few days." Then laugh it off along with everyone. Be prepared for the backlash thereof when you get home though. 

PS: Get out of the spare bedroom and go sleep next to your WIFE!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

Oh, I just wanted to add that sexless marriages fcuks up your mind. You find yourself accepting new norms which in reality are not norms at all. 
I'm not sure if you said already, but how old are you and the wife? Married how long? Kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dj Husband (Feb 20, 2014)

SHORT BACK STORY with a long addition
- We are both high level execs at a company.
- She is my superior
- I am also a famous entertainer in our corner of the world, she requested I take time off from that and try living a normal life because I was always busy and on my phone arranging stuff for performance. I am currently into my 2nd year away from that aspect of my life and she got the promotion at the start of my departure from entertainment. She now is always busy and doing all the stuff she asked me to stop. She is constantly on her phone (even if mid sex which is RARE, if her phone rings she will answer). She stays in work much longer than needed and I get upset and argue because it seems she is not wanting to have personal time with me which is why I walked away from my entertainment life, which is very easy to return to.

I am 31 and W 26, Married for 5 years, I am her second husband and she my 1st wife. I have a kid from a prior relationship but the child lives with my mom because our work has us out of the country alot. I will give her fair warning so next time she does it I will have right to call her out on it. I have become a B***H in this relationship on many levels and this forum kind of helping me get my manhood back (Sad to say). Its like I had no one to talk to in my circle and the stress was eating away at me. Yesterday I took an old approach to my everyday duties. I just acted how I would have if we weren't together (Not as in disrespectful but simply not ask her approval on anything 1st and move like the alpha male I am to my peers with her). That created a response that I know all too well. She asked me for us to go have lunch together out of work, and she ordered alcohol with her lunch. We then returned to work and left early (on time) for the 1st time in how long. Upon reaching home I continued my movements and she started doing the things she do when we are cool e.g: 

- leaving the bedroom door open when she is changing
- wearing underwear around the apt and a few more things that she always cut out when we have a fight.

I just went straight to the guest bedroom and started changing and she called out to me and said "You can come lay down with me, if you want". I replied "I always WANT to sleep in our bedroom, its always your call". I went and lay by her but i kept my distance because thats the trick she uses and reading other peoples post here I notice its a game. I would normally go lay next to her and get emotional and either attempt something or settle back down and forget it all. This time i kept to myself and when I noticed I started to snore I excused myself and went to the guest bedroom (yes I do snore very bad and I am seeking medical help). This morning I continued my same attitude from yesterday and she is a bit confused I know but I think its time I did something to confuse her while taking back my manhood. Any advise on what else can be done to not fall back into mu same BI**H self?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Her saying those things in front of friends suggests that she is competitive. She know how the desirable wife is supposed to behave and so she puts on a show to fool your friends.

Maybe she also does it because she thinks that it will make you feel good that your friends think you are getting hot sex. 

She does not actually like sex that much though. Allowing her to hide behind a mask will probably not help her confront this issue. 

I agree you need to return to your own life and stop trying to suck up to her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So you two are no longer arguing over you paying rent on an apartment for a female former employee? And she's no longer upset about the rather public office gossip about your possible affair with that woman? Have you two worked out your issues regarding what you refer to in your other thread as your failure to 'take your marriage seriously' three years ago? 

Sure, continue the 180. But understand that the dynamic in your marriage - created by BOTH of you, not just your wife - is toxic. If you actually intend to save your marriage and make it into a healthy relationship, you two are going to need professional help to get there.


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## Dj Husband (Feb 20, 2014)

She just made the issue about me supposedly paying rent for a former employee disappear. She always does that when she knows that what she is talking about is BS. She says she is still upset about the gossip but people from our side of the earth gossip ALOT. I highlighted to her the large amount of gossip that surrounds her and having affairs with staff and the CEO (even more gossip than me). I explained to her that the gossip will always be there but my actions should show that my innocence. When it comes to taking my marriage seriously everyone around us knows that I am taking it extremely serious and I am sure she knows this also.

I am honestly trying to change all my toxic ways to positive ones, hence the reason I am here being this open and requesting assistance. I also booked a session with a marriage counselor, the question is will she be willing to go


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

seems to me like you should go your own separate ways. Neither of you seem happy.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

The whole thing about what your wife says in front of friends happened to me last night. My wife had her friends over. I poured some cashews into a bowl and brought it over for them to share. My wife grabbed some and as she was putting them in her mouth, she drops one and it goes down her blouse. She says to me 'oops ... do you want to go get it? She said that for the benefit of her friends and not me. I was not too shy to respond ... 'funny thing is you would only ask me that in the presence of company'. Stunned silence from her friends and then she laughs and changes the subject.

What the heck is that all about?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's called "saving face"


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

john117 said:


> It's called "saving face"


lol ... no, I meant being suggestive in front of friends but having no interest in private.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> lol ... no, I meant being suggestive in front of friends but having no interest in private.


It's just proof that she knows she's failing you as a wife....so has to put up a front to others that she's the opposite. Appearances matter more than anything. I liked your response, doubt she'll pull that nonsense again.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> lol ... no, I meant being suggestive in front of friends but having no interest in private.



Right, saving face here would be that she anticipated a not so polite remark from you and preemptively took measure. That would indicate as suggested by the previous poster that she is aware of what's going on.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. Either tell her to "put up or shut up." Your not a sex addict Your F---ING HORNY from the lack of sex.

Next time she parades around in her underwear tell her to put some clothes on and hand her a robe and let her know that if things don't change real quick, the you'll make the changes and then go dark on her and if she questions you, say nothing. 

If your in the company of other people, tell her beforehand that if she says anything about you two having sex that night to impress her friends, she can find her own way home and mean every word of it. 

It's one thing to live in a sexless marriage, but when she flaunts and teases you it's a complete different story and you don't have to put up with it. 

When you were having sex with her and she reached for the phone, you should have taken it and hung up and let her know that there's a time and a place for everything and this wasn't the time or place. 

Do yourself a favor and take charge of your life because your being led around like a whipped puppy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is my opinion that it is much better to resolve marriage issues whenever possible instead of getting a divorce.
You sound like you are on the right track now with reclaiming your masculinity. Stick with it.
You also need to get a handle on the pornography issue. People these days seem to think that it is a harmless thing, but it is not. There are studies that show it is harmful in numerous ways.
You are using porn to take the place of meaningful relationship, which isn't doing you any good.
It is better not to warn your wife in advance about saying anything to her friends and it's also not a great idea to comment in front of her friends, if you haven't discussed it with her before. If she does it again, when you are on your way home, tell her in a matter of fact manner that she is never to do that to you again. You don't need to discuss it further. Just set a boundary, then decide what you will do if she does it again. After you have set the boundary, it would be appropriate for you to make a comment to her when she says it in front of others, but you should be prepared in advance with a line that will have impact on her, but not go overboard and embarrass you both. 
Continue to do what you are in terms of self-respect and see if things begin to improve.
It is always better to give it a try to resolve things than to just give up. You had a good relationship before, you should be able to make it work again, but you need to set some boundaries where you wife is not feeling great about teasing you and treating you disrespectfully.


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