# Money Maker Role can be an issue



## companyu45 (Feb 10, 2011)

Hi Guys. I am new to this site, but am hoping it can be a stepping stone to my beginning marital hiccups that i'm noticing. 
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My husband loves me deeply as him do I, but love doesn't pay the bills. We got engaged when I just graduated from college and he had 1 semester left. He then finished may 2010, and we got engaged then a house was bought (my decision pre -engagement). Now that we were engaged it was a "we decision" so he did confirm that he liked house and thought it was good move.. Only problem was that I was already in my field of study building a professional career since 08 becase i made it happen by much sacrifice, and he was still working at a retail store all through the beginning of school. This is how he was able to put himself through college and pay for all classes. Its been since July 2010 since we moved in and i just dont see him pushing himself to want different . to want more to want to make a better life for his now family. Yes.. we are now 6 month pregnant - I have PCOS and we knew of risks going in so we decided to let chips fall where they may. Anywho back to the point, he is still working at the retail store where he makes only 11 an hour and i got a 20k raise and am making 75 annually. I never push it in his face to down his self esteem or confidence but he feels it when i happen to do a spending spree every now and then. He plays his video games constantly and is like he prefers that 'non reality' where he is on top of it all as opposed to working his ass off for something better and more importantly something he deserves!! I dont mind if he has a job paying less then me , just as long as he is in his field of study and is following his passion. Its like his passion is just a thought. I told him that it scares me that he doesnt have a life plan... i said this while dating and he said he did.. but i had to tell him again today. Its like what i say comes across as nagging!??! I'm not trying to change him but rather help him understand that he is downlplaying himself and not taking the bull by the horns in life. 
Any one else having issues like these?? And i'm sorry for the long intro/story- background


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

hmmm, not sure what to think. I always thought that spouses were supposed to motivate each other to succeed. And then when the kids come, the motivation ups even more for both.

Maybe you are unconsciously making him fee like a loser. Is there anything that you are proud of about him?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

companyu45 said:


> Hi Guys. I am new to this site, but am hoping it can be a stepping stone to my beginning marital hiccups that i'm noticing.
> -----------
> My husband loves me deeply as him do I, but love doesn't pay the bills. We got engaged when I just graduated from college and he had 1 semester left. He then finished may 2010, and we got engaged then a house was bought (my decision pre -engagement). Now that we were engaged it was a "we decision" so he did confirm that he liked house and thought it was good move.. Only problem was that I was already in my field of study building a professional career since 08 becase i made it happen by much sacrifice, and he was still working at a retail store all through the beginning of school. This is how he was able to put himself through college and pay for all classes. Its been since July 2010 since we moved in and i just dont see him pushing himself to want different . to want more to want to make a better life for his now family. Yes.. we are now 6 month pregnant - I have PCOS and we knew of risks going in so we decided to let chips fall where they may. Anywho back to the point, he is still working at the retail store where he makes only 11 an hour and i got a 20k raise and am making 75 annually. I never push it in his face to down his self esteem or confidence but he feels it when i happen to do a spending spree every now and then. He plays his video games constantly and is like he prefers that 'non reality' where he is on top of it all as opposed to working his ass off for something better and more importantly something he deserves!! I dont mind if he has a job paying less then me , just as long as he is in his field of study and is following his passion. Its like his passion is just a thought. I told him that it scares me that he doesnt have a life plan... i said this while dating and he said he did.. but i had to tell him again today. Its like what i say comes across as nagging!??! I'm not trying to change him but rather help him understand that he is downlplaying himself and not taking the bull by the horns in life.
> Any one else having issues like these?? And i'm sorry for the long intro/story- background


I did and my husband divorced me over it   !!!! 

(I was in your husband's position)


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Okay.. just be careful that you are not making him feel worthless. Maybe you are being too controlling with the money?
I make a good 30k more than my husband, and for a while we had separate accounts. I would spend my money as I wished and so would he. Except he started to feel resentful over my "extra" cash. We ended up joining accounts, and although I still handle all the money I make it a point to make him included.. it's "our" money.
I have a BFF who makes over 60K more than her husband and she was way too controlling, they always got what she wanted because she was paying. They are headed for a divorce after 3 years or marriage. It's not worth it. Ps. he husband turned to drinking and going out.. without her

Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The issue I see is where the non working barely working spouse is fine doing that and turns right around and complains about money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

A little clue about men. What you see is what you get. He is happy with his retail job and his video games. You are the one with the problem not him. 

FWIW I had a friend that married a guy just like that. She divorced him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rome,
How patient was he? Did you think he was fair with you? Are you generally a "spender" or a "saver"?





rome2012 said:


> I did and my husband divorced me over it   !!!!
> 
> (I was in your husband's position)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I would bet that what it means to have a life plan differs for each of you. His life plan may very well be playing video games and chilling.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I do agree that partially it may be who he is, my hubby works his butt off and told me he always wanted to support a family. I would feel okay if I lost my job knowing he would step up.

Talk to him what you expect from a marriage.. but remember to compromise.. give him more financial responsibility etc. 

It almost sounds like you have a mother/son thing going on, which a lot of us do. Taking care of everything while the guys step back and become kids again.. make him work and take care of things, show him you appreciate it. Encourage him... hopefully it will help him understand he needs a new attitude on life and responsibility of having a child


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh you know that guy my friend left? 20 years later and he still works as little as possible. Wise move on her part to leave. He was never going to change.


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