# Incompatibility?



## everythingatonce (Aug 5, 2010)

My sex life with my husband has seemed to become worse and is worrying me. We have only been married one year, together three years. We have a 22 month old daughter, and my husband has four other children. I am the only one working.

Recently there has been a string of events that have affected our sexual relationship. There are also long standing differences that seem to be becoming more relevant as time goes on.

Four months ago we took in two of his other children that have special needs full time. Two weeks later my husband lost his job. Two months ago my husband started school full time. Most recently I have had a miscarriage and have been ordered by the doctor not to have sexual intercourse. 

We have gone from having sex or making love from a frequency of once or twice a day to about twice a month. We usually end up sleeping in separate rooms. I usually go to bed before him. If I sleep in the recliner, he goes to bed in our bedroom while watching tv. If I actually sleep in the bed, he stays in the living room. 

I do feel really tired by the point that we have any "alone time." He thinks that we shouldn't have to wait for the kids to be put to bed. We also have to make sure he has all his school work done for the day.

I tend to be aroused by a sensual kiss or a whisper in the ear. His idea of arousing me is much more crude. 

He tends to find more interest in public sex, getting caught, or possibly getting caught. I tend to not want to do that.

Sex together at one time was incredible, but usually not now. 

He is also really into bondage and pain during sex. This is something that is okay to me when it is mild and every now and then. He has to have some form almost everytime, and it makes me not enjoy what we are doing and just want to get it over with. 

I also long to have several "rounds" of sex in one session as I have experienced with previous partners, and he acts as if this is physically impossible. 

He also has been looking at BDSM porn on the internet at least several hours a week. It makes me feel bad. I feel like he is strange for doing this, but don't want to hurt his feelings. I also feel like I'm not satisfying his needs. I feel like neither one of us is satisfying each others needs. I am not sure what I should do. 

I would appreciate any replies that might give me some insight of my situation.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you should come to some compromises with him.

yes, some sex when the kids are in bed, sometimes when they can be occupied elsewhere.

Sometimes kink in bed, sometimes more gentle.

if you went from1-2 times a day to twice per month, your activity is not matching his drive (and maybe not yours either). So when he does touch you, it is more urgent than loving.

I'd try to get back the frequency and more compromises.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I have to agree... marriage is about fulfilling each other's needs but you also have to respect each other's bounderies & compromise. Life's events can totally throw off a couples passion & timing, sometimes the sex becomes more of a release from stress than a mix of intimacy and release. Both partners are so stressed out that sex becomes distant, robotic and routine or even selfish. Now, with that said it sounds like you both need to work on getting on the same page with your life's new changes. Your husband may be using the rough sex as a stress relief. Its clear he is seeking excitement & thrill in his life but its not fair for rough sex with you to be his only thrill. He could benefit greatly from finding other thrill outlets and you could be honest and help him understand what your limits and preferences are because it doesnt sound like he knows. Be firm with your comfort level and ask him how you could both bring more safe pleasure to replace the awkward activities into the bedroom - be creative! 
I think hard core s&m can possibly be a sign of sex addiction but there are also emotionally sound people that enjoy it too, just important to be sure he doesn't have an addiction so hes not constantly pushing your limits. 
As far as naughty sex, again, compromise and let him know what your limits are or you be in charge of initiating random sex so you can pick a situation you can perform in. 
Lastly, dont lose hope! my husband and I were on different sex tracks until we started counseling! one tool I will share with you that brought us away from robotic sex is to designate certain time periods like a day or a week where you agree no intercourse, only affection & fooling around. Sounds lame or high school but it forced us to reconnect on a trusting, carefree intimate level until we were emotionally ready and have healed our resentments & anxiety we had built up from years of awkward mismatched sex. 
Love one another and focus on respect in the marriage! You both deserve a happy, healthy sexy life behind doors because it sounds like your parental demands are trying =(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## everythingatonce (Aug 5, 2010)

Thank you for your responses. If nothing else, it made me feel that there is hope for improvement in my situation. The comment that maybe my husband needs another outlet for some thrills is probably true for him and myself. I revealed my post to my husband and had him read the replies. He was both shocked and amused that I had given out such intimate information. I feel that him knowing that I have a serious concern with what has been or not has been going on will cause him to be more open with me about what he really wants. Then maybe we will be able to make each other a little more happy.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

everythingatonce said:


> I do feel really tired by the point that we have any "alone time." He thinks that we shouldn't have to wait for the kids to be put to bed. We also have to make sure he has all his school work done for the day.


We have 3 kids with a 4th on the way. If we waited till the kids were in bed we'd be lucky to have sex once a year! We have made a rule in our house every other night is mom and dad time in our room. We put the baby to bed and let the other kids stay up and watch tv, play, etc. We then retreat to our room and spend time with each other. We made the rule that sex is to not be expected during those times. But yet, there has only been a few times we didn't end up having sex anyway. :smthumbup: We have found that having that alone time has really brought us so much closer together. There is nothing wrong with kids having time to themselves like that. My oldest is old enough to have a good idea as to what exactly we are doing, and that's fine with us. We want them to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and to not feel sex is something to be ashamed of, dirty or needs to be hidden.



everythingatonce said:


> I tend to be aroused by a sensual kiss or a whisper in the ear. His idea of arousing me is much more crude.


lol, the eternal dilemma the man is a normal car engine, starts on the first time, but doesn't have a lot of horsepower. The ladies drive is like a race car engine. Hard to start, but once it's running, WATCH OUT! Have you explained to him what you want and need to be aroused? Have both of you taken the Love languages test? 



everythingatonce said:


> He tends to find more interest in public sex, getting caught, or possibly getting caught. I tend to not want to do that.


My wife is the more adventurous one of us and really gets turned on with those possibilities as well. I'm not one who would do that on my own, but lets face it I am a guy. If my wife wants it, my little head easily outweighs my big head when making a decision.



everythingatonce said:


> He is also really into bondage and pain during sex. This is something that is okay to me when it is mild and every now and then. He has to have some form almost everytime, and it makes me not enjoy what we are doing and just want to get it over with.


My wife enjoys BDSM and oral insults as well. With me, my kink would be fulfilled with some lingerie and a few dirty words. My wife wants it pretty much every single time as well. I've just learned to accept that this will be part of our intimacy for the rest of my life. I'd like slow and passionate every now and then and I do get that once in a while. But, I can always tell even though she tries her heart out, she's just not as there during those times. For me though, it's not that big of a deal, and something I'm willing to continue to do for her.



everythingatonce said:


> I also long to have several "rounds" of sex in one session as I have experienced with previous partners, and he acts as if this is physically impossible.


Have you asked him to perform oral or use toys on you multiple times during a session? I know my wife at times will want to O 3, 4 or more times sometimes. If I'm not up to the task, I take care of her using those other means.


----------

