# Feeling lonely in marriage



## Agapi1301 (Jun 16, 2015)

I have been married for 15 years and have been happy for the vast majority of my marriage. My husband is my first serious boyfriend and I have known him since I was 18. I will turn 40 in a few months. During the past 4 years I have lived away from my husband for long periods of time in order to achieve career goals that allowed me to gain a position that I always dreamed of. He supported my decisions, even if it was difficult for both of us. I admit that I am very career oriented and have studied and worked very hard to be where I am today. On the other hand my husband is not career oriented at all but has achieved a lot in sports, a hobby for him that he takes very seriously. Two years ago we moved abroad to Europe, to a country where he does not speak the language. I work full time which I am happy to do whilst he practices his hobbies. He has made many friends that enjoy same hobbies. I do not mid this as I appreciate that he would otherwise be bored. However he now trains several hours a day, including weekends. Somehow we manage to fit in some time to have time together, but I feel we are drifting apart. Even in the evenings he is preparing training plans or doing online research related to sports. I find myself missing his attention and affection, almost have to remind him about this. He has never been the affectionate type but many times I feel we are now like friends. A whole week can pass without a kiss or a cuddle and this annoys me. He participates in sports events, shares his achievements online or social media and I get to see this when he remembers to show me, some two weeks later. I find myself thinking...is this how the years ahead are going to be for me? I want companionship, friendship, affection, trust and love. I love my husband a lot, but I feel I am not getting the attention I deserve. When I do mention this, he reminds me that he moved country etc for me to achieve my ambitions. I do appreciate that, but at the same time this has allowed him also to dedicate his entire team to his hobbies and passions. I am frustrated, sad, fed up and the only joy I seem to have these days is from my work. Have you been through this, can things get better? Should I demand that he change....any thoughts or suggestions are most welcome.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

It does not appear you have any children, so what does DH do besides his hobbies? Does he do laundry, clean the house, prepare meals or is he simply a kept man who does nothing but gets everything? He doesn't even show you affection.

Decide what you want from this marriage and have a _Come-to-Jesus-meeting _with your husband. Counseling or divorce appear to be your options although he will expect to be kept in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed, without his contributing a dime, should you separate. And triple up on the birth control.

IamSomebody


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## Agapi1301 (Jun 16, 2015)

We do have a 16 year old daughter together. He has been taking care of the domestic side of things for many years so he does support in that way. During recent years and with our daughter becoming more self-sufficient he has much less to do and more free time for his sports. My daughter does see that he can be more caring towards myself and her too. He can be quite moody and hot tempered and sometimes even verbally abusive. She mentions this to me on several occasions on top of the fact that he is not caring and says I deserve to be treated much better. Apart from the lack of affection, attention etc, I am bothered that a very strong person like myself allows my husband to talk rudely to me and my daughter. Financially I am secure and can provide for my daughter and myself alone. I do not want to break up my family however.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Question, do you really have a family with your husband, or are you and your daughter seeking a bond with him because that bond is gone or near nonexistent?

Therapy for you and your daughter first to find out why you put up with emotional abuse, and does your daughter and yourself deserve a better husband before you take him back?

His emotional abuse may come from his insecurities and he attacks you and your daughter for his own dysfunction. If you do not want to go through the ups and downs where you and your daughter's emotions are grounded down to almost nothing before you learn, seek a divorce and see if then he works on himself and the relationship, and find out why you allow you and your daughter to endure this type of treatment.

I was an abused child, and if only my mother had the strength to leave my father for emotional well-being, I would most likely have not tried to commit suicide. So what is more important protecting one's well-being or protecting a dysfunctional family. Guarantee that have him as a husband is adversely affecting you and your daughter. As of now, it is more important to protect your daughter and how her emotional and mental development will be affected by your husband's behavior. She is at an age where she is developing her own personality, forming behavior and habits. Emotional abuse may become her norm because you did not have the strength to leave when you should have.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Are you trying to show him genuine affection first or just waiting for him to show it to you? With you so focused on work all the time he may be the one who was upset and wanted to see more efforts at affection and romance from YOU. Also, has his rude behavior started in the last few years or has this been emotional abuse the entire relationship? You said it was happy for a very long time. It's possible that after moving to Europe he started to resent you and withdraw emotionally. If that is the case, you will need to be the one giving him frequent and consistent displays of affection/romance to get him to connect with you again. He may have been missing you too much and hurt that you were so focused on your career and not him. Then he responded by shutting down his emotional feelings to protect himself from that pain (something men often do when they feel hurt by a partner). You know your whole situation better, so think if this might apply to your case. If you were happy but now you aren't it sounds like he has shut down, and you could reawaken his feelings with some effort. He could also be having a kind of mid-life-crisis, wondering what he has to give the world and that is driving him to put all his energy in sports. You can remind him how much he means to your life and your daughter's and how special he is to you both. Make a grand display of appreciation for all his years taking care of things at home. Also, please try not to talk to your daughter about your relationship with her father. It's not her burden to think about and she shouldn't be giving you advice. Just tell her that Dad is going through some changes and have a hard time right now. Tell her to be kind to her Dad no matter what and try being supportive of him, maybe by asking about his sports. The last thing you want is to encourage your daughter to think about her father in a negative light, especially if you are later able to fix your relationship with him.


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## Agapi1301 (Jun 16, 2015)

Thank you for offering a different perspective. I have spoken even if briefly to my husband and we both want to make things work. The biggest eye opener in your feedback is that I should not be discussing such issues with my daughter and I see a subtle change in her opinion of her dad. I will steer away from involving her in any discussions involving her dad and myself. Secondly, yes, I have been so engrossed over the years in developing my career that I also may have not been as affectionate, caring etc to my husband but have expected him to be so himself without doing anything myself. During the past 4 years we have also spent a lot of time apart due to my work schedules. He had no choice but to take care of our daughter, our home and also fill up any free time with his sports and hobbies. I must also point out that he did not complain so much about that but accepted it as a necessity for me to achieve my own career goals. Since our daughter is now older and she has her own friends and plans, we have the opportunity to spend time together much more and now all of a sudden I expect my husband to turn his entire attention to me! We definitely have to work on improving our communication as a couple. I have to work on that and also managing my time better to ensure we have quality time together. I really want things to work out.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

The emotional abuse isn't about anything you did or did not do. He is treating you that way because he thinks he can and is entitled to do so. You are worthy of having your husband treat you well and love you. 

Every time he is rude/abusive to you or your daughter walk away from him or leave the room/house. Let him know you won't stand for it.

I would insist on counseling.


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## Agapi1301 (Jun 16, 2015)

Thank you LittleDeer for your post. I have tolerated my husband talking rudely or in a nasty way to myself and my daughter. I have expressed my disappointment to him of the way he speaks but also at times tried to brush things over as I did not want to escalate things further. I have been reading other posts on this board and have realized that I am wrong to accept or allow him to talk to me like that. He does not talk to his friends in this way.....so why to me?!! Will have to take a different and stronger approach. Marriage counselling has been on my mind for a while, will need to look into.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Agapi1301 said:


> I have been married for 15 years and have been happy for the vast majority of my marriage. My husband is my first serious boyfriend and I have known him since I was 18. I will turn 40 in a few months. During the past 4 years I have lived away from my husband for long periods of time in order to achieve career goals that allowed me to gain a position that I always dreamed of. He supported my decisions, even if it was difficult for both of us. I admit that I am very career oriented and have studied and worked very hard to be where I am today. On the other hand my husband is not career oriented at all but has achieved a lot in sports, a hobby for him that he takes very seriously. Two years ago we moved abroad to Europe, to a country where he does not speak the language. I work full time which I am happy to do whilst he practices his hobbies. He has made many friends that enjoy same hobbies. I do not mid this as I appreciate that he would otherwise be bored. However he now trains several hours a day, including weekends. Somehow we manage to fit in some time to have time together, but I feel we are drifting apart. Even in the evenings he is preparing training plans or doing online research related to sports. I find myself missing his attention and affection, almost have to remind him about this. He has never been the affectionate type but many times I feel we are now like friends. A whole week can pass without a kiss or a cuddle and this annoys me. He participates in sports events, shares his achievements online or social media and I get to see this when he remembers to show me, some two weeks later. I find myself thinking...is this how the years ahead are going to be for me? I want companionship, friendship, affection, trust and love. I love my husband a lot, but I feel I am not getting the attention I deserve. When I do mention this, he reminds me that he moved country etc for me to achieve my ambitions. I do appreciate that, but at the same time this has allowed him also to dedicate his entire team to his hobbies and passions. I am frustrated, sad, fed up and the only joy I seem to have these days is from my work. Have you been through this, can things get better? Should I demand that he change....any thoughts or suggestions are most welcome.


I think you and your hubby are heading down a very dangerous course. People, Men in particular, tend to fall in love with the person who is with them when they are having the most fun. If you are not spending recreational time with him, he is ripe for falling out of love with you and/or having an affair. 

And wouldn't that be ironic when here you are being a bread winner while he plays all day...

Can I also say that I would be very careful about being 100% honest with yourself regarding your career. I am 10 years ahead of you, and I always wanted a career. I have my own business which is pretty successful. But it has become a rock around my neck because my husband does not work, and we live somewhere expensive, and I have basically become a workaholic just to keep us afloat. We didn't have kids in part because I always had to work 24/7. Now suddenly I am too old to have children and all my peers kids are in high school and going off to college and I am very sad and dissatisfied with my life. My "career" does nothing for me in terms of giving my life meaning and making it fulfilling the way I believe a family would.

OK, that is me. I don't assume you are the same. But I know that when I was your age I had absolutely no clue I would feel so strongly sad and resentful and regretful about just working all these years and feel my career will be meaningless in my old age. So just be careful.

My advice is that you start doing things with your husband that you both enjoy so that you are having fun together. If you don't hate his sporting events maybe you can go participate/watch so you are with him when he's having fun. If you don't like them, find things you both enjoy and can do together. Right now you are leading separate lives and it sounds like he sees you like a roommate (who pays the rent!).

Also, he may not be as happy as you think just playing all the time. As much as I am saying a career is not everything, it does give us purpose to be needed somewhere. I think most men, even the lazy ones, do not truly feel good about themselves when they're not working.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Agapi1301 said:


> Thank you for offering a different perspective. I have spoken even if briefly to my husband and we both want to make things work. The biggest eye opener in your feedback is that I should not be discussing such issues with my daughter and I see a subtle change in her opinion of her dad. I will steer away from involving her in any discussions involving her dad and myself. Secondly, yes, I have been so engrossed over the years in developing my career that I also may have not been as affectionate, caring etc to my husband but have expected him to be so himself without doing anything myself. During the past 4 years we have also spent a lot of time apart due to my work schedules. He had no choice but to take care of our daughter, our home and also fill up any free time with his sports and hobbies. I must also point out that he did not complain so much about that but accepted it as a necessity for me to achieve my own career goals. Since our daughter is now older and she has her own friends and plans, we have the opportunity to spend time together much more and now all of a sudden I expect my husband to turn his entire attention to me! We definitely have to work on improving our communication as a couple. I have to work on that and also managing my time better to ensure we have quality time together. I really want things to work out.


I'm glad you both want to work it out. Don't be too taken aback however if he starts unleashing some negative thoughts and complaints. If he is a little bitter or unhappy with his life you might hear an outpouring of complaints you never expected from him. If he is civil and not abusive then try to hear his complaints without defensiveness. Kind of like you would have in the beginning of your relationship. Like "wow i didnt know thats what you've been feeling/going through. Im so sorry. I want to make it up now and reconnect" etc. Try to feel sympathy for what he says and not take it as a personal attack on you that you caused those feelings. It might help to remember a time when you vented negative feelings without necessarily meaning everything you said. Just listen to his venting and move forward to better days. Marriage is more like a garden you work hard in to cultivate beautiful flowers and fruits. You may have grown a beautiful Career garden while your marriage one was overgrown by weeds. No one likes pulling weeds but it has to be done in order to get back those beautiful plants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you work?

How many hours a week does he spend on his hobby and socializing?

Do you have any kind of hired help at home?

I agree that you would benefit from individual counseling so that you learn to understand why you put up with his abuse and how to stand up to it. Hopefully this is something that will end once you no longer tolerate it. 

Look up the term "cycle of abuse". See if you recognize this cycle in your husband and the way he treats you.

Many couples get to this point in their life where the breadwinner is secure in their career, the children are moving towards leaving the nest. Then the couple realize that they have grown in opposite directions. When that happens, it is time for an overhaul of the relationship.

There are a couple of books that I think will help you in talking to your husband and restructuring your marriage: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Agapi1301 said:


> ... He had *no choice* but to take care of our daughter, our home ... he did not complain so much about that but *accepted* it as a *necessity* for *me* to achieve *my own* career goals.


 [my emphasis]

Something is grating with me about your wording. 

"Accepting" it as a "necessity" with "no choice" would be the endpoint of a discussion (or, more like, an announcement) that had gone something like this:

Wife: For me to achieve my career goals, you'll need to be looking after daughter and home.
Husband: Well, err ....
Wife: Really, you have no choice
Husband: I see. Well, I suppose I have to accept that.

Contrast with a genuine dialogue along the lines "We talked about it at length. He wasn't terribly happy about it initially, and I encouraged him into his feelings about it. He said he had never been 100% happy with my single-minded commitment to my career at the expense of 'us time' doing more together. He felt that our polarised daily lives (me 'working' and him 'playing' at sport, albeit seriously) were just going to get even more polarised and that becoming a very definite househusband wasn't really 'him' at all. After quite a lot of angst, he ended up saying that, if this is what I really want, he would shoulder it lovingly. I really appreciated his choice to do so".

You then went on to say:



Agapi1301 said:


> Since our daughter is now older ... we have the opportunity to spend time together much more and now all of a sudden I expect my husband to turn his entire attention to me


Was there an unstated sub-text here, something along the lines (my bold insert) _Since our daughter is now older ... we have the opportunity to spend time together much more and *I realise, given all my "me, me, my career" history, it may be a bit of a jolt* now all of a sudden *that I demandingly* expect my husband to turn his entire attention to me_

Or did you write it exactly as you saw it? Which some might see as more of the "I want, I expect, I need, you fall into line, no choice".


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## Agapi1301 (Jun 16, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> I think you and your hubby are heading down a very dangerous course. People, Men in particular, tend to fall in love with the person who is with them when they are having the most fun. If you are not spending recreational time with him, he is ripe for falling out of love with you and/or having an affair.
> 
> And wouldn't that be ironic when here you are being a bread winner while he plays all day...
> 
> ...


Thank you Working Wife for taking the time to respond. Right now and probably for the past 4/5 years my biggest focus has been on achieving my career goals, more than anything else. I admit that this gave me the biggest drive and motivation. More than anything I wanted to prove to myself that I could get this position. I feel content (at present!) that I achieved my goal and at same time am more financially secure. That said, I have not given the time I need to strengthen my relationship with my husband and yes, I can see that we have drifted apart. I would like to think that our values and commitment remains. Now is a testing time but I am determined to make this work.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Tis sees awfully easy to fix. Have you tried talking to your H about this, that you want more time with him? Ask why he feels he has to do his online research at night when the the two of you could be together. Suggest a getaway weekend where the two of you could reconnect. Not many men would turn that down.


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## Agapi1301 (Jun 16, 2015)

Cecezakat - valid suggestions. I have a lot of weed pulling to do....but determined to work things through!

EleGirl - I work 65 hours a week which is normal for the industry I am in. My husband spends 30 - 40 hours a week training. His socializing revolves around sports/ training / competitions. This includes a few weekends away per year with other athletes. He has been traveling alone with athletes for the past 10 years on and off, sometimes I joined (very few occasions). We did have someone to help around the house in our home country but there is no need anymore. We manage that easily between us. I could never have imagined that the status of my marriage right now would be something we would experience. We have really had some wonderful times and great memories together. We have a lovely home, a smart daughter and many blessings. But our marriage is leaving us both discontent right now. I will look into the books you recommend. Thank you.

Mike6211 - Yes, it is true that I have insisted that my career plans were given priority and to be honest there was not much discussion. It was kind of automatic to do so since I was earning the most money and had better career and financial prospects. There was not much discussion on both sides, we just accepted it as the best thing to do and just got on with it whilst raising our daughter. In the earlier years, my husband was still in paid employment on reduced hours and taking care of our daughter. At this point he started taking sports more seriously as he had a lot of free time whilst I was at work. He seemed happy and I was doing what I needed to do to further my career whilst also studying. At the time I did not give it much thought when maybe we should have discussed these choices. My husband is a hard worker and has worked hard for us to buy a home etc. He always said he is happy for me to stay home if I wanted to but that never entered my mind as I have always been career focused but at the same time wanting to have a family. He may not have been happy with my hours away from home but it also has given us financial security. At this point I realize that we both need to make a lot of effort to make our marriage stronger whilst also showing more love and respect for each other.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Forgive me Agapi, but all I hear when I read your posts is "me me me me..."

Seems like you've been so busy with "me" that he found his own version of it. 

Why would he want "me" to become "we" after all that? Why do you?

Or is it just now what you want is more "me" from your husband?


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