# Eye Opening of sorts



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, I am still not anywhere close to being where I want to be in this recovery process.

I still see myself as damaged goods that has been tossed to the side for someone else. My EX gets to provide a family to my kids, with his parents and the new love of his life that he has been with for over a year now. I kept expecting them to crash and burn, but they are still together and happier than I have ever seen him. 

I know what he did and is still doing is wrong. I know that we are still facing custody court that will be in two weeks. I know I am still struggling to understand why this has all been so easy for him and why I still cry at least once a day.

I found out today, that his sister is going to be a witness for him. I was best friends with his sister for 5 years and now that is all gone. I feel so lost, alone, rejected, abandoned and unhappy. I don't know how to find my happiness again? I don't know what I have to offer anyone anymore or if I will ever be able to love anyone again.

I feel like a horrible mother b/c my kids see that I am unhappy but yet, they go to their dad's and have all kinds of fun things planned. I can't give them that b/c I can't afford it and I can't get myself to even do the simple things in life.

I know that with court lingering over my head, I can't really take the steps to move on. THis is going to be a horrible court day for me. I have to face him, his family and my previous best friend while, I am sure that they will lie about me and make me out to be this horrible person. I know I am doing the right thing with going to court ... I know I am fighting for my kids. But my hopes of everything settling down after court aren't that high?

I know what everyone says. I know I need to forgive and live the best life that I can. I know this but I just don't know how to get there? I don't know how to pick up my life and move forward? I don't know how to ease this pain. It has been almost 2 years since he left me for the OW#2 and I am still emotionally destroyed.

I think my pride has been hurt. I think that is the thing that keeps me hanging on. I want revenge, but revenge isn't mine to give. 

I just had to vent b/c I am going no where right now, except in circles. I envy people that are able to get through the hurt and pain when your life crumbles before your eyes. I have made it through a lot of bad things in my life but this past 18 months has destroyed me in ways that I can't even describe.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I feel for you. Sorry that you're going through this. It's hard to know what will work for you. What worked for me: having fun. Doing something I really enjoyed that took my mind off things. I'm an analyzer and it's my nature to just ruminate and when I gave myself permission to NOT think about crappy things all the time...it made everything better.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Sounds like you are having a pretty rough time and most of it is you beating yourself up and worrying and waiting for him to fail, which might not happen.

What are you doing for yourself? Are you taking care of your physical health? Do you work out? It can really help your self-esteem to do so. It will also help with the depresso thoughts and such. If you cannot afford a gym, running is free . You might even meet some really great people to run with or work out with.

What about your social life? Do you have friends? Yeah, his sister betrayed you, but family often stick together in things like this. What are you doing to make new friends and keep in contact with others?

Are you in IC? 

What about your free time? What do you do when you are not at work? Do you have hobbies? 

What do you do for money? Have you considered ways you might increase your own earning potential? Going back to school, getting some new training in a new area, etc? 

To hell with him...to hell with his crappy family and fake a$$ new life. You have an opportunity here to better yourself, don't waste it. Seize the moment. You can get through it and you can come out better.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Read your other threads.

Really sounds like you have been struggling.

I'm a pretty results oriented guy, so I'm not going to soft-peddle things here.

I'm presuming you have been in therapy all along. If your assessment is that you haven't made much progress in therapy, then I suggest you start looking for a new therapist, or a different therapy model. Yep, there are different kinds.

If you aren't taking meds, and you are having crying jags, or breakdowns regularly, then again ... I would encourage you to consider meds for the purpose they are intended; helping you get by and overcome a challenging period that is directly affecting your quality of life. You don't need to stay on them ... they are a tool that can assist in helping you heal. Kind of like an emotional antibiotic.

I noticed that you stopped posting about working out. If you aren't doing something physical, you need to be. NEED.

Several people have posted about the Narcissistic tendencies of your ex ... and I concur. Part of that is based on your continued response to him.

He still 'has' you. I've read you post about hating him, that he is duplicitous, fake, a fraud, feeling devalued, betrayed ... yet your sense of self and worth is still tied to him, and the choices he is/has made ... rather charting a life for yourself.

You need to be strong, for yourself and your future, with or without a partner in it. Not strong so that you aren't focused on why your marriage failed, why he betrayed you, and why is he happy and you are not.

You need to be happy, for you and your kids. Children are a mirror. They will reflect what they see and feel from their parents.

If they are joyful with you ... great. If they are joyful with the ex and his gf, you need to find a way to feel great about that too.

I remember reading what you said to the other woman in the gym, about thanking her for treating your children with kindness. From my perspective, that is the singular benchmark I have regarding my interest in who my ex is partnered with. I truly DO want my ex to be happy ... because if she is, my children are likely to be happy as well.

My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain in reading your posts. And do please keep posting.

People have been giving you some wonderful support.

Me? I truly do want you to be able 'unstick' yourself. But I'm more likely to shake you a little bit in order to do so.

Be honest, in aggregate do you feel like you have made progress in 'letting go' over the last six months?

It's fine to feel sad, hurt, and angry. I remember those feelings very well. But you can't stay there. I want you to be joyful again too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> So, I am still not anywhere close to being where I want to be in this recovery process.
> 
> I still see myself as damaged goods that has been tossed to the side for someone else. My EX gets to provide a family to my kids, with his parents and the new love of his life that he has been with for over a year now. I kept expecting them to crash and burn, but they are still together and happier than I have ever seen him.
> 
> ...


You dont need to do things with the kids that cost a lot of money. You HAVE to suck up your sadness, for them, and get to these simple things in life you mention. Otherwise, your kids are not going to want to keep coming around, because mom sucks the happiness out of them. Stop making this about your feelings, and do it for them. 



sherri1997 said:


> I know that with court lingering over my head, I can't really take the steps to move on. THis is going to be a horrible court day for me. I have to face him, his family and my previous best friend while, I am sure that they will lie about me and make me out to be this horrible person. I know I am doing the right thing with going to court ... I know I am fighting for my kids. But my hopes of everything settling down after court aren't that high?
> 
> I know what everyone says. *I know I need to forgive and live the best life that I can. I know this but I just don't know how to get there? *I don't know how to pick up my life and move forward? I don't know how to ease this pain. It has been almost 2 years since he left me for the OW#2 and I am still emotionally destroyed.
> 
> ...


You know what? Screw that forgiveness bullsh!t. You dont HAVE to forgive to move forward. You need to get your mind to a place where you say "screw it", because no matter how much you obsess over it, it does not change the fact of where you are right now. Trust me, I have wanted revenge as well, been SEETHING with it. All I was doing was hurting myself. I deserve better for my life than that, and so do you. If you arent in therapy, I think you better get there. Two years is WAY too long to still be where you're at. 

Stop giving him residence in your head. Hasnt he taken enough of your life?


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear of the hurt you are experiencing after your breakup. It is obvious you are in a lot of pain right now, so I want you to know that I will be praying for you in the days ahead.

As a single mom myself, I can relate to some of the feelings you expressed. While everyone's situation is different, I do want to encourage you. Time does heal, even when it seems like things aren't getting any better. Have you ever heard of the book, "When I Do Becomes I Don't" by Laura Petherbridge? That book really helped me during the toughest stages of my healing process.

Hang in there, friend. I suggest that you try to do things that make you happy, and enjoy every moment that you have with your kids. Even without much money, you can still make memories and make the most of your circumstances.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You do need to stop seeing yourself as damaged. HE is the one who is damaged - he's the one with NPD. You are human and have feelings and empathy - that is great.

It's summer! I know you go to the pool with the kids and bike rides. What about packing a picnic and going to a local park - just let them swing and slide and play! 

What about camping in the back yard? Make s'mores and sleep in a tent with them - it will be an adventure for them!

Is there a creek nearby? Or any outdoor space - write a list of things you want the kids to find - a scavenger hunt. Things like an interesting nut or seed, a leaf that is bigger than their hands, a rock that is grey and one that is pink (should be some quartz around), a penny/coin (you can 'plant' some things the day before if you want), a feather... 

Pick something to do when you have a full day with them. It isn't about money - it IS about memories. At the end of the summer, go through all of the photos on your camera or phone and have each child pick four of their favorite photos and print them off and put into inexpensive frames (yard sales, goodwill, walmart) - have them paint them the color they want for their rooms and hang them in a grouping. It will forever remind them of the fun they had with you over the summer. You could even make a tradition of it and have them update the colors and prints as they get older.

By keeping busy you will avoid the funk. I agree on the counselor. If you aren't going, start. If it's expensive, go to United Family Services. 

Things WILL settle down after court. The rules will be laid out. Hold your ground regarding whatever is ordered and you will both get into a routine. 

Every time you see something that makes you think about their happiness and start to feel resentful, remind yourself that you don't know what he's feeling. He could be panicking about court, what you will say, etc. 

It's disappointing when someone you thought was your friend wasn't. On the other hand, she might just be there to say he's a good dad, not that you're a bad mom. Your attorney will 'feel' her out. This could work to your advantage. i.e. attorney can ask her "when you visited Sherri and your brother, who: fed/dressed/helped with potty/etc." Let your attorney know your parenting skills this sister has witnessed. Remember, this is more about you proving you are a great Mom more than it is about proving he's a half-assed father more concerned about child support payments than his kids. 

If she DOES bash you, keep in mind anything that she has done your attorney should ask about. Has she ever been in in trouble with the law, been investigated by DSS, have her kids been attacked by Fang? And if she lies, let your attorney know.

You know I'm here for moral support. Vow to yourself when this is over that you will start to focus on your new life. Whatever the outcome, you'll have a fresh start from that point forward.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Regarding your kids, the best advise I can give is to just be there for them. Sure, they have fun doing all the things you can't afford right now, but when you have them you just be the best Mom you can be for them.

I know it's hard, but try not to act sad or depressed when you're with them. I know it's hard, I went through it and I still have my moments when a thought pops into my mind.

If you're there for your kids, and they know they can depend on you, that's what they'll remember when they become adults. All that fun stuff fades away, but knowing their Mom was always there for them and had their back is what they'll remember.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You can ask people who grew up in the great depression if they had a fun childhood. Kids don't pick up on concepts like poor and bored. Look back on your childhood, the times you remember. Most of them weren't things that cost money.

You do need to get out of your funk though, 2 years is a long time to still be dwelling about things that are out of your control. I'm a big believer in getting out of your comfort zone, it's a form of exercise for your emotional health. Meetup.com is a great start, force yourself to do something that makes you uncomfortable (but sounds fun).


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am sorry I haven't responded yet .. busy past few days and lots of thinking with each post.

I appreciate all the feedback and want to say that it has meant a lot.

I re-read my post and it sounded worse than what it was and is.

I want to clarify on the 2 years thing .. not that it matters, but I thought my marriage had a fighting chance up until end of Oct 2013 when I found out about OW#2. I didn't know about her being in the background until then and I wanted, in the back of my mind, for my marriage to work up until that point. In Sept is when we started the custody battle and I am in high hopes that it ends by the end of this month.

I had a huge blow on THursday when I found out that my EX is having his lawyer subpoena my work records. Which I don't have a problem with, except for that on paper, I make more than he does. He is basically trying to get me to have to pay him child support at this point .. which is absurd to me b/c he makes more money than I do, except he can hide his b/c of cash income. But I talked to my lawyer yesterday and she basically told me that his lawyer is getting a bit frustrated b/c it is very concerning that he is allowing his anger with me influence what is best for the kids. And he is starting to show that the closer that we get to court. We had agreed on incomes in mediation and they were to be locked in so that we didn't have to fight over that in court, but now (against his lawyers recommendation) he is getting my income info from my employer. He is trying to do this b/c of my bonus structure but b/c my bonus is not easy to obtain and b/c it isn't a part of pay, this might backfire on him. This is all hard to explain, but basically, he is showing his true reasons for fighting me .. he doesn't want to pay me a penny b/c he doesn't view it as paying for his kids .. he views it as paying me. And I have told him and his lawyer over and over, that I don't care how much he pays me or if he pays me at all .. I just want the schedule that best fits them for school. He, on the other hand, doesn't care about that. My lawyer told me that his lawyer might even withdraw from the case but I don't know how that happens or if it will happen.

I do want to address some things from my original post. It made it sound like I sit around, with my kids present and just cry. This is not the case. The kids and I are very active. We do things, things that don't cost tons of money and we have a blast. I am closer to my kids b/c of this. I know that sometimes, I get caught off guard by a comment that they make or a memory that hits me, but for the most part, I am happier when I am with them. I have tried to make this situation as best as I can for them and have always stayed postive with them, no matter what is going on. I don't trash their dad and I talk about things with them on the positive side.

The days that I don't have them and the unknown of everything with court, is what hits me the hardest. I seem to be moving forward in a lot of aspects in my life, but some days are just harder than others. Tuesday was a hard day, after I put my kids to bed. I got a lot of information that day and on days like that, I tend to have the roughest time.

I know that this takes time and I know that I need to focus more on myself. I am trying to do that and move forward the best that I can until this court isn't hanging over my head. I have great friends, made some wonderful new friends and on most days, I am okay. It is just hard to hear how he has moved forward, without even looking back sometimes. But then I think about the way that he has done things and pray that heals the areas in his life that he needed to in order to move forward. 

I am going to try to get some sleep, we have had some really fun days and today was awesome with the kids. We will be at the pool all weekend this weekend until they go to their dad's on Sunday.

Thank-you again for all the advice!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Read your other threads.
> 
> Really sounds like you have been struggling.
> 
> ...


*There was a lot to your post that hit home. 

I am in IC but I am currently looking into others b/c the one I have, jsut doesn't seem to be working for me anymore. I have stayed with my current IC b/c my EX and I went to him together, before I found out about OW#1 and so my IC knew my EX and what he did and what he was like .. I felt like going to a new IC might not be beneficial. BUt I have now realized that it might be .. I need to start working forward versus looking backwards. Thankfully, my work provides this for me for a few free sessions and then I can go from there.*



> If you aren't taking meds, and you are having crying jags, or breakdowns regularly, then again ... I would encourage you to consider meds for the purpose they are intended; helping you get by and overcome a challenging period that is directly affecting your quality of life. You don't need to stay on them ... they are a tool that can assist in helping you heal. Kind of like an emotional antibiotic


*I was on meds for awhile but then my EX started to use that against me. THere is a history behind that as I have relatives that abused anti-depressants and just medicine in general, so I have always stayed clear of them until the separation. Then my EX found out that I was and was using that to emotionally hurt me. I went off of them in Oct. It might be something I look into further but I just don't like the side effects that I have read and experienced with them.*



> I noticed that you stopped posting about working out. If you aren't doing something physical, you need to be. NEED.


*I totally agree with this. I have been trying to find time to get back to the gym but there just aren't enough hours in the day. So, when the kids and I do to the pool, I make sure to get int he pool and swim laps ... I tend to my yard all the time and do the physical things with that. I stay busy .. I am always busy. But getting back into the actual gym is something that I do need to do. Not b/c I need to get there to get into better physical shape at this point, but because emotionally, it really does help.*



> Several people have posted about the Narcissistic tendencies of your ex ... and I concur. Part of that is based on your continued response to him.
> 
> He still 'has' you. I've read you post about hating him, that he is duplicitous, fake, a fraud, feeling devalued, betrayed ... yet your sense of self and worth is still tied to him, and the choices he is/has made ... rather charting a life for yourself.



*I agree with this as well. I catch myself always trying to do things to not stir the pot with him. I need to stop that but I don't know how to? His view of me does influence me and it has not benefited me to try and do the right thing or explain myself to him. It doesn't matter what I do, he will portray it in his own mind and make it to where I feel responsible for whatever the situation might be a the time. When I realize this, I know that I need to try a different IC b/c I honestly don't know how to stop allowing this. I know who I am and what I am but I still allow his head games to influence that.*




> You need to be strong, for yourself and your future, with or without a partner in it. Not strong so that you aren't focused on why your marriage failed, why he betrayed you, and why is he happy and you are not.
> 
> You need to be happy, for you and your kids. Children are a mirror. They will reflect what they see and feel from their parents.
> 
> ...


*I agree with you on this as well .. I just don't know how to get there yet? I feel like everyday I fight this battle inside of me with who I know I am but also the fight against how I HAVE allowed to him to make me feel. Only I can control how I allow to him to make me feel and like you said earlier, somehow, I still allow him to have that control over me. *



> My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain in reading your posts. And do please keep posting.
> 
> People have been giving you some wonderful support.
> 
> ...


*I do feel like I have made progress over the past 6 months, overall. Some days are still tougher than others but there aren't near as many dark days as there were 6 months ago. The things that bother me the most now are the things that I hope to be resolved in court. A lot of my emotions are feeding off of that. The other hardest parts are learning to let go of the 'hold' that he still seems to have on me when I allow him to get to me. I don't know how to really explain it? I know most of the things that he does, he does it to hurt me .. to feed off of my hurt, anger, ect. When I don't allow him in, he gets worse until he finds a way in. It is all really hard for me to put into words but the more I study up on NP, the more I understand why I am feeling the things that I am feeling and why my reactions are what they are. The more I learn, the more I understand and the more that I understand, the better I can handle it the next go around. But to answer your main question, yes, I have moved forward from where I was 6 months ago in a lot of aspects but I still have a long way to go as well.*


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Sherri, 

You sound like I did when I posted up through the past year or so. I only post when I'm having a rough time sorting things out in my head so it always sounds worse than it really is. Nothing wrong with that. You sound like you are doing everything you can right now. 

I posted a long time ago to you that it will be very hard to move completely forward until all of this mess is sorted out. Just keep plugging through until after the court date and then assess where your life is heading. After that day is over you will at least know what your schedule will look like so you can start to prepare for YOUR future. 

I completely understand comparing yourself and what you can provide to all of the fun and games that the ex and his new lady can provide the kids. I also completely understand that sense of "family" that you can vs your ex can provide as well. I went through the same thing. My ex married her OM. I wasted a lot of time waiting for them to fail. Well, it's been over 3 years now and they are still married so that didn't work out too well for me. lol...

Someone mentioned forgiveness above and I agree with their take on it. I know it goes against many beliefs on this board that you have to forgive to move on but I just don't see it. I treat my ex like a business partner that I don't necessarily trust but have to rely on. I think her life is a crappy one and one that I don't want to be involved in so I guess I'm kind of lucky now. That POSOM has to follow her around all the time and watch her spend the hell out of their money. Good for him. I wasn't happy doing that. 

Oh, one more thing....I know you want to have your kids ALL the time but that probably isn't going to happen. You have to be ok with that. Plus, just remember you also have to have a life. It cannot be all about the kids. 

Sorry for the long post. Give yourself a few days after court to decompress and then it needs to be about you after that. The ex can p!ss up a rope at that point.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Paradise said:


> Sherri,
> 
> You sound like I did when I posted up through the past year or so. I only post when I'm having a rough time sorting things out in my head so it always sounds worse than it really is. Nothing wrong with that. You sound like you are doing everything you can right now.
> 
> ...


Hello and thanks for posting. I remember your posts and I have been trying to not think past court until after that is over. I am always amazed at the relationships that actually do work after an affair? You hear about all these stats that say that they don't work out and I am trying really hard to just let it go that he is still with her .. but as you know, that is hard to do. I have to find a way to accept it. There is a lot about her (and I have posted some of the things on here) that is very hard for me to get past but I can't focus on them. If they fail, then my EX will likely go back down the bad road he was heading down before her, so in all honesty, I don't think I really want them to fail. I am not sure what I am looking for with them or out of that?

Maybe to know that he hurt as much as I did or maybe it just goes back to my pride? I don't know but I do know that in the long run, I will be happier without him, I just haven't gotten to that point yet and I do think a lot of that has to do with court and that lingering over my head. 

I don't think that I will ever forgive my EX .. I just need to let go and 'accept' it for what it was ... a huge learning lesson and probably something that I will look back on and appreciate at some point.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sherri1997 said:


> His view of me does influence me and it has not benefited me to try and do the right thing or explain myself to him. *It doesn't matter what I do, he will portray it in his own mind and make it to where I feel responsible for whatever the situation might be a the time.*


Read what you've written again. *It doesn't matter what you do* - so maybe its time to stop worrying about how he sees things and focus on how you see them. Its not always easy - but just remember - *it doesn't matter what you do*! So do it your way!


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