# Torn, confused and worn out with it all...



## dll (Nov 16, 2008)

Hi all,

Thank you for reading, this is rather a long story, but I'd appreciate any advice.

I have been married for 15 years or so, separated for about 3. My husband is bipolar I. I didn't know this when we got married, it only surfaced several years later. Most of the time when he is unmedicated (which has been most of our marriage) he is manic. His behaviour has been disrespectful to say the least. He has abused alcohol through much of our marriage. He is financially irresponsible, has never held down a decent job for long. He has mostly been a partier, life and soul of the party, staying out 'til early hours of the morning. He has treated me badly in terms of speaking to me badly, ignoring me, leaving all responsibility up to me. He has admitted to several affairs, etc. etc. I could go on and on...

A few years ago we immigrated to the USA, and all this behaviour started again when we arrived here. I was under huge stress, trying to support us financially, trying to get set up with a place, furniture etc. He very quickly fell into the partying, drinking thing again. Around this time, I met up with an old boyfriend, and before I knew it I was having an affair. To this day, I feel horribly guilty about this, but in retrospect I think I was pretty starved for affection, attention etc. so I was a bit of sitting duck. This affair culminated in me asking my husband to move out. He immediately started seeing a girl and seemed very happy with the arrangement. My affair ended, as they always do, and after a bit of time I asked my husband if he wanted to try to reconcile. He said he hadn't thought about it and then never mentioned again. I let some more time go by, and he seemed to be happy and didn't say anything more about getting back together. I then met someone else, who I have been with for some time now. He is a decent, good man, financially responsible, good job, doesn't cheat, doesn't party etc. etc. etc. Anyway, about a year ago, my husband's girlfriend left him. Within two weeks he was on my doorstep, crying and wanting to get back together. I told him that I was pretty happy where I was at that stage.

Probably due to the stress of all this, he ended up having a major depressive episode and ended up in hospital twice. I had to ask his brother from the UK to come out to help me deal with the whole thing, it was really a horrible thing. Of course, I felt terribly terribly guilty.

The situation is now that the man I am seeing is serving in Iraq. My husband continues to want to get back together with me. I have lost my job and am desperately trying to find another one. My husband has no health insurance through his job, so he has always been on mine. I am terrified for him to be uninsured, but each time I mention him needing to look for another job, he starts to go into another depression.

I will say that through all of this, I feel a bond with my husband that I don't feel with anyone else. This has made it very difficult for me, as I don't know if I am doing the right thing by ending this marriage. At the same time, I am scared to get back with him, because, although he is now medicated and not drinking, I know I won't have any financial support, he will not take responsibility for anything, and I will end up more or less back in the same spot as before, except that hopefully he will continue to not drink and party.

I cannot seem to get to a point, even with extensive therapy, where I can move one way or another. I know I have to, this cannot go on. But whichever way I move, I think is going to have terrible repurcussions and I just can't bring myself to make that step. I feel like if I ask for a divorce, my husband will probably have another breakdown or worse. If I get back with him, I will always look back and wonder if my life would have been a whole lot better if I hadn't, then I could end up resenting him badly. 

Sorry to ramble on so much, but it's a long, complicated story that I just cannot come to terms with.

Can anyone help with some advice?

Thanks so much everyone.


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## kalina (Oct 19, 2008)

Do not get back together with your husband. The man you are seeing who is in Iraq is counting on you to be faithful to him. You said he is decent, responsible, a hard worker..all the things your husband has never been to you. You sounded miserable with your husband. I know he is on medication, but I know for a fact that he will get off of it and then you will be right back to square one...so why put yourself back on that rollercoaster ride. You deserve to have someone stable and to be happy. I have a relative who is bi-polar and it is sooo HARD to deal with. I know you love your husband but unless you are really ready to go back down the road of heartache, you need to really think about what you are doing. I know it's hard for you, but I feel strong that you should just leave him out of your life. Keep us posted.
Kalina


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kalina said:


> Do not get back together with your husband. The man you are seeing who is in Iraq is counting on you to be faithful to him. You said he is decent, responsible, a hard worker..all the things your husband has never been to you. You sounded miserable with your husband. I know he is on medication, but I know for a fact that he will get off of it and then you will be right back to square one...so why put yourself back on that rollercoaster ride. You deserve to have someone stable and to be happy. I have a relative who is bi-polar and it is sooo HARD to deal with. I know you love your husband but unless you are really ready to go back down the road of heartache, you need to really think about what you are doing. I know it's hard for you, but I feel strong that you should just leave him out of your life. Keep us posted.
> Kalina


you know FOR A FACT that he will get off his meds????

i agree that she owes her current husband, who is serving the country, her fidelity and faith, but how on God's green earth can you make a statement like that?!?!


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## kalina (Oct 19, 2008)

voivod said:


> you know FOR A FACT that he will get off his meds????
> 
> i agree that she owes her current husband, who is serving the country, her fidelity and faith, but how on God's green earth can you make a statement like that?!?!


first, you should quote what i wrote accurately! yes, all bi-polar people go off their meds..I KNOW FOR A FACT..yes, i will say that 1,000 times. they get paranoid and they stop taking their meds!! period, you will not change my mind on that!

second, what statement are you referring to? it isn't her husband who is in iraq...read what i wrote and read her post CAREFULLY! her husband is not serving, it is her boyfriend. now to get back on track since you cannot read...i can make a statement like that because again, as i mentioned i have a family member who is bi-polar and i have been to many doctors appts with her and i have been helping her for years. she takes her med and gets off and on and off and on..so, i can say it. i have sat in intervention and have been told by doctors that it happens ALL THE TIME. Now, I tell you, go back and read the posts correctly before you start going off. So, again on god's green earth i can make that call and statement because I have experience with closely and actually, I surpervised a women who's son has it and she has the SAME issues and experiences as myself...so that said, I most certainly can make that statement and I ask you, how do you even know about it if you haven't experienced it, or you are bi-polar yourself and are defensive..either way this isn't about you it's about what is best for someone else's emotional well being and in MY OPINION.
Kalina


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

quoting a popular bi-polar website: "SOME people...go off their medications.."
Stopping Bipolar Medications

your experience does not justify the absolute that you present.

and "going off" is hardly what i was doing. it was about "what is best for someone else's emotional well being." i'd hate for someone to interpret your experience as the carved in stone absolute.

as for my calling boyfriend "husband," yep, it's because i can't read.


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## kalina (Oct 19, 2008)

voivod said:


> quoting a popular bi-polar website: "SOME people...go off their medications.."
> Stopping Bipolar Medications
> 
> your experience does not justify the absolute that you present.
> ...



You can quote and post websites ALL day long, but unless you have been around people who have this disease then you cannot just read it from a website and accurately judge...bottomline.

I've read websites and books about this disease and let me tell you first hand, yes they "generalize" characteristics of the disease but again, unless you have lived it then really there is no judging. This ladies well being is what is important and this disease can eat you alive and she sounds happy now without having to go through all the turmoil she was with her husband. This is all my opinion so you don't have to be so nasty. Oh and yes, you cannot read or at least you do not pay attention to details in what people are writing, which is an important quality to have so you can accruately support your opinion.
Kalina


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## dll (Nov 16, 2008)

Thank you both for your advice and replies. I appreciate it.

With regard to the bipolar disorder. I have lived with it for 15 years. I absolutely agree and understand the danger that he will not continue his medications. There is every possibility since he has done that before. Likewise, the drinking. He has quit drinking before and started again. I know that there are some bipolar people who do eventually gain control over it, but the majority do not.

In a lot of ways, the bipolar makes the situation even harder for me because I feel so horribly guilty for leaving someone who has a disorder that they cannot help. I mean, obviously, he can do whatever he can to control the disorder, but he will never be free of it, and it does have its effects on him. Another thing is that I have always had difficulty differentiating what is bipolar behaviour, and what is just plain bad behaviour. In other words, when he does things that are stupid, crazy, irresponsible, is it the bipolar, or is it just the way he is. That's why I end up feeling so guilty is that I start thinking that his behaviour is at least in part caused by the bipolar, which he can't help. Frankly, I don't see that he will ever be capable of living life without someone to help him, whether that is me or someone else. There are just things that he can't cope with. So again, the guilt. It's like - if he had cancer - would I leave him?

At the same time, I feel like it's pretty certain that my life will go nowhere if I get back with him. Whereas with the other man, I have a good chance at a comfortable, stable life.

And, the other thing is that, yes, I still love my husband and we have a connection due to past experiences that I probably will never have with anyone else. That is where I always get stuck. I keep thinking, if I have such a connection with him, then maybe it is the right thing to do to go back to him.

These are things I battle with daily, hourly, until I am just exhausted by it all.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Neither of you have fully commited to the marriage so at this point I wouldn't base your decision on guilt. I understand your point about standing beside him if he had cancer, and I would agree if he has consistently taken the necessary steps to control his bi-polar, but I don't think excessive partying, verbal abuse and affairs have shown much effort on his part.

It seems you are both capable of walking away from the marriage when you have someone else by your side and the urge to reconcile seems to be more linked to not wanting to be alone than to a true marital commitment. You both would probably benefit from individual counseling to learn why this is.


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## dll (Nov 16, 2008)

Swedish, you are absolutely correct in your observation. I think that bipolar disorder can certainly create a dependant personality, and that in turn attracts a co-dependant personality. I have done a lot of work in therapy on this, but don't consider myself anywhere near to having beaten the co-dependancy in myself. My husband was going to therapy after his breakdown, but he has stopped going. I don't think it is something that he sees value in.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

My first thought....why are you 2 still married if you were both with someone else???

He only came back to you because he was no longer with his girlfriend. To me this would equal him using you. He wasnt willing to work on it before...so why now? because he NEEDS someone to take care of him. It doesn't have to be you!

I dont have any experience with people that have bi polar...,him being one that has it, doesn't mean you have to be his "nurse maid" just because he has a disease(if that is how it is classified).

You were not happy with him before from the sound of it(unless I dont know how to read either), why do you think anything will change?

I am sorry but girl, i think you need to move on. Make him accountable for his own actions. Does him having bi polar mean he automatically can not hold a job for any length of time? Is that some kind of rule or part of the disease? I honestly don't know, but I am thinking not!!

My opinion, stay with the one in Iraq and dont let "your husband" get the best of you!!!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

voivod;2624as for my calling boyfriend "husband said:


> :lol: the first step in solving any problem is to first admit you have one.....I am laughing so hard right now...


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## dll (Nov 16, 2008)

Sprite, thank you for your contribution.

Why am I not divorced? Well, that is the whole point of my posting. My husband is obviously not going to ask for one, as he doesn't want one. So, it would have to come from me, and I cannot bring myself to that point, and I don't know how to get to that point.

As I said in my original posting, I have been through extensive therapy, but really don't feel that much closer to being able to ask for a divorce.

There are several contributing factors. One is that America has a healthcare setup that is (in my opinion) pretty appalling. Since my husband has no health insurance through his job, he is on my health insurance. He cannot get health insurance on his own privately, because of his condition. The only way he can get it is to get a job that offers it. The stress of many jobs is too much for him to handle, and can easily tip him into a depressive state, so this is easier said than done. So which way do I turn? If I divorce him he won't be able to get health insurance through me at all.

Secondly, we are immigrants to America, from a very different culture. We had to leave our country quickly, leave everything behind and arrived in the US with two suitcases. This is hard to explain to someone who has never been through a "refugee" type situation, but he and I share a connection from this that is very hard to break. I still feel like an outsider in this country, and he is pretty much the only one that I feel "at home" with, even though the marriage itself is no good. If you will, try to put yourself in the position that you and your spouse had to leave the US, leave everything behind and go to a new country with nothing. How easy would it be for you to make a break with your spouse in a foreign country, foreign culture, language and so on, even though you realize that the marriage itself is not a good thing.

These are some of the reasons that I cannot bring myself to the point of asking for a divorce. That is the reason that I posted on this forum is to seek advice.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Hmmm, i understand you situation. You sound like a very giving and loving person. I am sorry to hear that us Americans have not given you a warm welcome...but not all of us are so unwelcoming. I think if I was in your shoes, I would probably be doing the exact same thing you are right now. You have a very strong bond with him and nothing can break that. 

The only advice I can see possible is to have an open marriage with him. I am not one to promote such a thing, but in your case it makes sense. You dont really love him, but you in a way feel responsible for his well being. You can stay married so he can keep his insurance for now. But what happens if you meet someone that you absolutely adore and want to spend the rest of your life with..but can't? Will that man understand the circumstances?

I can understand how it feels to have to leave everything behind...my husband and I are considering a move away from all family and friends ...but my move is just to another state, not a foreign country. That must have been hard for you to do.

With any luck..and I am not a political person..but I pray for your sake that what Obama has promised to do as president as far as insurance goes, happens rather quickly. He says he is going to try to make it so no insurance company can turn you down for insurance because of a pre exsisting condition. This would allow your husband to get a less stressfull job and be able to pay for his own insurance.

Does the man in Iraq know your situation? and how does he feel about it?

I feel bad for you because you seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to do the right thing, but you also want to move on with your life.

I think the best that you can hope for right now is that your husband finds a woman that wants to marry him and take care of him. Or just wait it out and see what happens with the new insurance policies. Either way I wish you the best of luck and truely hope things work out in your favor.
Please keep us posted as to what is happening.


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## dll (Nov 16, 2008)

Hi Sprite, Thanks for the reply. 

I agree on the Obama statements, I am really hoping that he can bring about the much needed changes that he has talked about in healthcare here. 

With regard to the open marriage - that's pretty much what we have right now, I suppose. The man I am with in Iraq has been very patient and understanding about the situation, but I don't know if I can honestly ask him to continue putting up with it for an undertermined length of time. It's hardly fair on him either. I know he really wants to take this relationship further, but we can't because of my situation. I know when he returns from Iraq he wants to get a place together etc. I just feel that at some point this has to be sorted out, but I don't know how. As you say, maybe have to wait and see if Mr. Obama can get anything changed on the insurance thing. 

Sometimes I really do wish my husband would meet another woman, that would makes things much easier, but I don't think he is going to go there because he's hoping things will change with me.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

hoping for president-elect obama (executive branch) to legislate health care reform (congress's work) to make pre-existing conditions a non-issue to insurance companies (private, free market enterprise) makes about as much sense as performing voodoo on the bi-polar person. i'm sorry. there's a reason we have a separation of powers in our republic.

whew. sorry. that just came out.

now...you wish your husband would meet another woman? what you really wish is for him to not be in the picture, that's what i read.
and i'm sure he does hope things will change with you. i hope your heart softens. he's not a child but has been rendered less than competent by his affliction. i hope when i become old and frail, i don't have people near me that want to set me on the porch an ignore me. and no, i'm not saying that is what you sre doing, but isn't your conundrum brought about by another man? something i'm sure you see as opportunity? i am so sorry the bi-polar disease has that kind of effect. i really am. you're life is complicated, much more than i could understand, i'm sure.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

dll said:


> My husband was going to therapy after his breakdown, but he has stopped going. I don't think it is something that he sees value in.


Again, he is not putting effort into treating his disorder...if he is unable to hold down a steady job with health insurance it is affecting his quality of life, yet he dismisses working hard towards helping himself with 'i don't see the value in it'....the truth is, he sees more value in the easy way out...have you take care of him. Other than him wanting you back to take care of him, what has he done to show you that he is ready to be the loving husband you deserve?

If I were in your shoes (not sure if this is feasible or where you are originally from) but I would look into finding a group or friends from your country of origin that now live in the US....this might fill that void you are feeling of being here on your own.


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## dll (Nov 16, 2008)

I feel that way to Swedish. I don't mean to nit pick with him, but everything i have read and studied about bipolar (which is considerable) says that the best treatment is medication and therapy. 

I would say that one of the major issues in our marriage is his laziness, or lack of motivation, lack of ambition - whatever you want to call it. He pretty much just can't be bothered to try to improve his life, or mine. I could bore you with thousands of examples, but I won't. This is one of the main reasons that I haven't gone back to him, even though I haven't got to the place I need to be to divorce him. He hasn't shown me that he is willing to really try to make something of himself, which means to me, that the job of making something in life for both of us, will again fall squarely on me.


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