# Ending it



## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

By way of introduction... 
BH50 (me), WW46
three kids D5, D9, D12.
WW had a ~ 2 month PA, DD was in mid August. Since then it's been the usual gaslighting, blameshifting.

Since DD I've been on the emotional rollercoaster.

I've come to recognize deep flaws in my WW that I've previously avoided, and come to accept that D is almost certainly for the best. 

I'm far from perfect, and some of my behavior certainly contributed to weaknesses in our marriage, however my WW's affair and subsequent behavior is intolerable and I am concerned that further deterioration will not do us or our kids any good. 

My struggle is how to end it.

WW has many B-cluster PD traits. I fear a full meltdown / breakdown and the consequences it could have for the D process as well as for our kids. 

I know I can go on the offense and get a restraining order, but I am fearful for where that leads - not to mention the significant cost of psych evals, etc., which I cannot afford. 

I'm equally concerned about a 50/50 custody arrangement where our kids must endure 50% of their time with a depressed, anxious mother with an undiagnosed PD. She's been in therapy for years, is presently on prozac and buspar - her mental health is not really a question, but she is highly functional and the kids do love her. 

I've read Splitting and BIFF and I'm playing the long game to get ready. 

Sometimes reading here and other places, posters make it seem so clear - sound the alarms, expose the AP/OM, etc. That all sounds great, but I don't think that's necessarily the way to go with a high conflict individual who might try to burn down the house or commit suicide...

It might be good to hear from others with a high conflict relationship. 

Did you find a way to crash on a runway or waterway and walk away, vs. a nose-down explosion and smoking crater? 

Maybe this belongs in a D forum, but the crux of the issue is WW's affair and remaining married for the kids, for the money, and to some extent for her health - as noted, it's been about 90 days since DD, so that's the context. In the meantime, the HB has been pretty good. 

We are both seeing ICs, and we have a MC that has called WW on her lies once or twice... I don't view MC as a "save the marriage" process as much as a "how to communicate with WW" process that might pay a dividend whether we D or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The way you deal with BPDs is to hold them accountable and don't let their bad behavior manipulate you. 

If she strikes a match you call the cops, testify the truth against her and watch her go to jail. 

If she threatens suicide, call 911 and report her suicidal threats and gestures and have her locked up for a 72 hr psyche eval in the nuthouse. 

If she abuses the kids in anyway, call the cops and report her to DHS. 

The reason these BPDers get away with their manipulation and get away with screwing half the town is because these white knights and rescuers and Captain-Save-A-Ho's don't hold them accountable and always try to cover up for them and try to save them from themselves. 

Let her experience the repurcussions and consequences of her actions. 

There is a simple formula here -

You cheat on your spouse - your spouse kicks you out. 

You threaten self harm - you get committed to a psyche eval.

You try to burn down the house- you get sent to prison for arson. 

You are abusive to kids - you get arrested for child endangerment and you don't get unsupervised custody. 

That is called consequences. If you or I try to burn down a house, we get arrested for arson. If you or I threaten suicide, we get committed for psyche eval. If you or I abuse kids, we get arrested and lose custody. 

Just because she has a vagina and a few screws loose in the head should not be any different. 

Stop trying to be Captain Save-A-Ho and let her experience consequences of her actions like everyone else.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Good advice from Oldshirt.

It's time to start documenting her behavior day to day in order to protect your kids as well as yourself.
If she ever gets her head straight - some day she'll thank you.

I also suggest you always carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you to protect yourself from a domestic violence charge and/or as proof of her abusive behavior. 

Consider placing some discreet video cameras around your house (kitchen, TV room, bedroom) too.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

I would ask myself if she is that likely to go off the handle, won't it just be something else?

I would try to get my family out of that situation.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Onward7913 said:


> the crux of the issue is WW's affair and remaining married for the kids, for the money, and to some extent for her health


Yep. BTDT. I went the lawyer route. I had "no grounds" in the "no fault divorce" state I lived in. Adultery was one ground for divorce. The problem came in when I wanted to seek custody of the kids. I couldn't prove her to be an unfit mother. In my mind, this was a slam dunk. I knew that with me out of the home, my boys would have watched the **** carousel with me buying the tickets. My lawyer assured me that the "slam dunk" in the courtroom would be to award the mother custody unless there was a PROVEN reason "sufficient"..... like incarceration, mental illness (certified by professionals), drug addiction, extreme alcoholism, etc.

You're in a tough place. I can identify with it. I can't tell you what decision to make. You need a lawyer. You may have a case.....
After lawyer, I stayed for exactly what @Onward7913 said. To some extent, I protected her too, because she wasn't extremely judicious in her choices of men. I could just imagine one of these self-interested SOB's hitting one of my boys, in which case they would have gotten an ambulance for him, and the state police for me. Tennessee boy don't miss what he aims at.



Onward7913 said:


> a "how to communicate with WW" process that might pay a dividend whether we D or not.


In my mind, I had no desire whatsoever to "communicate" with her. I did not want a reconciliation.



oldshirt said:


> The reason these BPDers get away with their manipulation and get away with screwing half the town is because these white knights and rescuers and Captain-Save-A-Ho's don't hold them accountable and always try to cover up for them and try to save them from themselves.


This is exactly correct, just like women who cover up gambling, alcoholism, and stay with the "good-ole-boy" who bashed the side of their face.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Good stuff, thanks all for responding on a Sunday morning. 

I've got the VARs, home security cams, etc. I'm in a 2-way state, recording anyway. 

Appreciate the straight talk.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Like already mentioned, 911 (and creating a paper trail) is your friend. Don't let her manipulate the situation or get away with things just because you feel too bad, too embarrassed, or whatever to call. I'm very way of people who easily throw around a PD diagnosis or diagnose their spouse with a PD but the advice is the same PD or not. 

You should start keeping a journal of every interaction you have with her and that she has with the kids. Make sure you keep it well organized and dated, AND honest and fair. Facts only, not your emotions or assumptions. It can help you in court if issues come up because you have actual dates and scenarios. 

You need to be very careful about recording her. That could get you in more trouble and whatever you do record wouldn't be admissible anyway. Talk to a lawyer about that one, not internet folks. 

You may want to look into a GAL (guardian ad litem) but you have to tread carefully. Judges tend to do whatever the GAL recommends, even if it's not what you want or what you think is best. If your wife (and the people around her) can convince the GAL that there is nothing wrong with her, she's a great parent, etc. then using the GAL can backfire. When I was considering divorce, my lawyer said I probably don't want a GAL because on paper (at the time) and to teachers, coaches, etc. my wife looked great. Again, that's something best discussed with a lawyer - and it is an added expense. It's often split between the divorcing couple but not always and not necessarily 50/50.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You said the "HB has been pretty good" so does that mean you are having sex with her?

Talk about mixed messages.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How did you find out about the affair? Who was the affair with? What exactly happened (met in hotels, at your home etc)? What did WW have to say for herself? Was there trickle truthing before you got the truth (assuming you have the full truth)? Who else knows ? Who else knew before?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has she ever shown any violent behaviour before? Or threatened or attempted suicide? Hurt the children? You seem very sure that she will do these things, just wondered why.
She was calm and rational enough to have an affair, she lied and deceived you, just wondering why you think she wouldnt do the same with other stuff?

Since she has not taken responsibility for the affair and been truly repentant I cant see what alternative you have but to end it, so sad for the children though as it will blow their lives apart.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> Like already mentioned, 911 (and creating a paper trail) is your friend. Don't let her manipulate the situation or get away with things just because you feel too bad, too embarrassed, or whatever to call. I'm very way of people who easily throw around a PD diagnosis or diagnose their spouse with a PD but the advice is the same PD or not.
> 
> You should start keeping a journal of every interaction you have with her and that she has with the kids. Make sure you keep it well organized and dated, AND honest and fair. Facts only, not your emotions or assumptions. It can help you in court if issues come up because you have actual dates and scenarios.


Thank you - Without going into details, there are already two 911 calls in the local log. 

Been keeping a daily journal since July. Two actually. One narrative. One itemized lists of activities without commentary. The first one is useful for me and sometimes my dialog with my IC. The second one demonstrates that I provide a significant amount of care for our kids, if not the majority of care. Historically WW was the primary care provider, but that's changed since Feb/pandemic. I'm up at 5am every day to make breakfast for kids and I don't punch out until they are all in bed, 7:30-8pm. WW sleeps in until 6:30, and she's Netflix and chill by 7pm. every. night. The kids still perceive her to be the lead care provider, but perceptions are shifting. The youngest now says "daddy makes breakfast" and the older two increasingly ask me for a variety of things they used to rely on WW to do.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> How did you find out about the affair? Who was the affair with? What exactly happened (met in hotels, at your home etc)? What did WW have to say for herself? Was there trickle truthing before you got the truth (assuming you have the full truth)? Who else knows ? Who else knew before?


Discovery had all the classic signs - change in behavior, dress, drinks, phone, schedule, requests, etc. 
Affair was with the father of our youngest daughter's classmate. They met at pickups/dropoffs, then extended to get coffee, then she banged him in the backseat of his SUV in a parking lot. Also once at his house, when his wife was away. And once at our house when she orchestrated a time for me to take the kids out for the afternoon. Yes to TT - She avoided a confession until confronted with video from our home security cam. Her sister and father found out after she called family for help after the 2nd 911 call. BIL also knows. And one of her friends, total enabler and bad influence. I know that people who socialize with cheaters are more likely to cheat, and people who socialize with divorce are more likely to get divorced. WW's friend is a cheater and has two kids with a domestic partner that's always on the way out. I see all the red flags, thanks.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Learn to communicate in this situation?

your best option maybe learning “grey rocking” and the 180 no contact 

you can’t fix her so don’t keep yourself locked in this prison.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Livvie said:


> You said the "HB has been pretty good" so does that mean you are having sex with her?
> 
> Talk about mixed messages.


Yeah, it's messed up. How much do you know about BPD? If she feels rejected, it's WW3, scorched earth, kids in crossfire. Supposedly we are attempting R, I am walking a tightrope.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It hurts those who are absorbing and sensitive to feel the fire laid at the feet of (this) crazy.

Tis' this life, and our broken bad law, that bring us to this.

Matches, it is your ire, and her dire future actions that will impel you to set fire to her world.

It think it is best to set her in her place, not slam her there.
She deserves to be out, not out of commission.
Out of this marriage, divorced...gone.

She is broken.....enough.

She is flawed, but has not yet murdered anyone.

Proceed firmly, proceed forward, Mr. Onward.

Any malice felt, should be kept under wraps.

For the sake of the children, for civility, for the sake of any goodness you possess.

Look at her as that clear-cut case of a mother gone bad.
Not terribly bad, just cheating, and lying bad.

How does one handle nitro-glycerin?
Carefully, and with respect.
Respect, not for its worth, rather for the damage it could do.

You already expect the worse from her, therefore, no surprises are coming.

Handle on...


_Are Dee-_


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Has she ever shown any violent behaviour before? Or threatened or attempted suicide? Hurt the children? You seem very sure that she will do these things, just wondered why.
> She was calm and rational enough to have an affair, she lied and deceived you, just wondering why you think she wouldnt do the same with other stuff?
> 
> Since she has not taken responsibility for the affair and been truly repentant I cant see what alternative you have but to end it, so sad for the children though as it will blow their lives apart.


She was diagnosed with clinical depression ~ 20 years ago and suffers from anxiety. Low self esteem. She meets a variety of criteria for some type of PD, could be borderline or possibly inverted narc, I don't pretend to be a pro or have the expertise to make a diagnosis. My IC initially thought PTSD, but has been coming around to my armchair diagnosis. 

Over the years she's mentioned suicide many times, I have consistently dismissed it as an emotional ploy and tried to support her ongoing work with her IC.

Past trauma includes some sexual abuse as a teenager, although I am increasingly suspicious that there was more. Eating disorder. Dysmorphia. Hypochondria. 

I do not think that she was calm or rational about the affair, and I think that part of the ongoing problem is that her AP bailed when he caught a whiff of obsessive / crazy. At various points over the past 3 months, she's been more attuned to the rejection from the AP than to dealing with the marriage. 

Along the way, I've come to think that I need to D to protect the kids, although it remains soul crushing to think about all this. Splitting and some of the other lit on this topic make it clear that parallel parenting with WW will be challenging at best. Best advice so far has been to carefully take time to line up a solid case. 

Although I haven't read a single thread or case where someone has done it. It's always max drama. 

I am (naively?) attempting to get through the holidays for the sake of the kids.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There can be no reconciliation with madness.

She scatters egg shells and broken glass at your feet.
There can be no tiptoeing around her.
No.

To reconcile would entail...only, but, mere defeat, that sad acceptance.
You would surely be losing some of your own sanity in the process.

She has pushed you out of her life, and allowed another man to enter that life.
To enter her, repeatedly.

The bridge too far... this.


_Nemesis-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, get through the holidays, serve her with divorce papers after the first week of Jan. 2021.
Do not engage her during this period (any more than is necessary). 

Do not ever again get intimate with her.
She is now that, no-go anything person.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know much about BPD so I cannot really comment. What I do know is that you need to care for yourself first and foremost. Get out of infidelity which means she is on a very tight leash. Also exposure to all concerned. Counselling for your self more than for the marriage. And she needs to get evaluated by a qualified therapist and then treated for her illness. My basic instincts is to say she is not a viable candidate to be a wife or mother.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Onward7913 said:


> Past trauma includes some sexual abuse as a teenager, although I am increasingly suspicious that there was more. Eating disorder. Dysmorphia. Hypochondria.


I’ve known a few BPD’rs over the years including an ex wife of one of my best friends.

They all claim to have been molested as children. Now that may be true that they were. 

But the problem is they all claim to have been molested by their bio dad, stepfather, older brother, cousins, uncles, pastor, school bus driver, date raped by every high school boyfriend and homecoming date etc etc. I could go on but you get the point. 

Did they have some trauma in their youth? Yes, probably at some point by some person. 

But their credibility goes out the window when they start talking about the meter reader and the night clerk at the corner Quick Trip. 

They lie. They deceive. They manipulate. They fabricate. And they will say anything in the moment that they thing will get them sympathy, accommodation or any kind of upper hand.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> They lie. They deceive. They manipulate. They fabricate. And they will say anything in the moment that they thing will get them sympathy, accommodation or any kind of upper hand.


Yup, that's her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Onward7913 said:


> By way of introduction...
> BH50 (me), WW46
> three kids D5, D9, D12.
> WW had a ~ 2 month PA, DD was in mid August. Since then it's been the usual gaslighting, blameshifting.
> ...



Best to consult a psychiatrist that specializes in this sort of thing. Also if she has any support on her side of the family.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Can you get her into therapy before you leave? and is there someone in her family who has any control over her that you could call in.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Many mentally ill parents have killed their own children. Are you willing to take the chance she won’t try to harm them?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If she ever threatens you or the family or threatens to hurt herself, you call 911 and get that on the record. That will put a stop to any manipulative threats and it will get her some inpatient time if it's legit.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I don't see an end game for you except to divorce. And she's going to blow up at that time, regardless, and I don't see how you avoid it. It's best to get yourself protected first, along with the help of your attorney. Make sure you have internal cameras in addition to the outside security cam.

And don't forget, being raised by a BPD mother is going to impact your children as well.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Onward7913 said:


> By way of introduction...
> BH50 (me), WW46
> three kids D5, D9, D12.
> WW had a ~ 2 month PA, DD was in mid August. Since then it's been the usual gaslighting, blameshifting.
> ...


Hey, 
So with Cluster B personalities, do not emotionally engage with them, at all. Keep it professional and courteous, and if they get verbally abusive, well, don't let it get to you (find the strength somehow). Also, to my understanding you may be able to get a special restraining order specifically for her Personality Disorder. Speak to a lawyer about that, but one who has knowledge on Cluster B's. 

Good luck to you.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Can you get her into therapy before you leave? and is there someone in her family who has any control over her that you could call in.


She's been with the same ineffective IC for @ 5 years. In fact, everything has become much worse during this time. Her psych recently added a new med, so hopefully someone is paying attention...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well they are overseeing her and she has someone to turn to in a crisis. She simply may be getting worse mentally. If she has a meltdown maybe the counselor will put her in inpatient therapy. You can't let that hold you hostage. If she's that bad she may not need to have unmonitored custody of children, but only you know that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

YOU may also want to talk to the therapist when things get escalated/worse. They need to know if perhaps she is hiding info from them about how bad things are. THEY won't be able to discuss her with you (I don't think), but you can ping them about her actions. Especially anything that pertains to the kids that might be dangerous.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Carry a live recorder on you at all times.

If she says anything threatening, run it by your lawyer. 
It may help your case, it may help her to get some alone time.

Alone time, away from you and your family, maybe in her own place, maybe in a psyche ward, maybe in jail.

I hope it does not come to that (the last two places).
No.

Be prepared, and constantly record her.

Time flies, though 2020 is taking its 'damnest' slow time!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well they are overseeing her and she has someone to turn to in a crisis. She simply may be getting worse mentally. If she has a meltdown maybe the counselor will put her in inpatient therapy. You can't let that hold you hostage. If she's that bad she may not need to have unmonitored custody of children, but only you know that.


Yes, _inpatient_ therapy for her would be a Godsend.

As it is now, 'Onward' is presently in an _impatient _state!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Crazy sets the agenda -- if you let it.

Don't let it.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Thanks again for the support. 

There's another layer in this onion - finances. WW quit her job in a meltdown @ 2 years ago, and it's added a lot of financial stress. I've taken on significant debt, and now we're maxxed out. 

Technically, we cannot afford to D. We both have supportive families, so it's possible to lean on them for help - but I am loathe to do this. That said, I don't see how we can continue in the current state so I am actively trying to line up $ to put down a retainer. If I move to file first, I know that WW's family will help her.

The thing that kills me is that if I do this, I am knowingly placing a huge burden on my inlaws (nearing retirement), and effectively asking someone else to take on what should be my (or our) responsibility. 

If the D plays out the way my prospective atty describes, the debt will be divided equally - it will take time to resolve, but I'll end up with a lower debt burden, independently of how alimony and child support plays out. Let's assume 50/50 custody and minimal alimony. 

My unemployed WW will not be able to afford to keep the house (and mortgage). If we go all the way to trial, we'll be told to sell the house and distribute equity 50/50. We just moved last year (another contributing factor to all this), so equity is not huge - about 20% - and after fees, etc., will help to pay down some but not all of the debt. 

It would be good if one of us could keep the house so that the kids have some continuity, but she can't afford it, and I don't want to remain in the place that she brought the OM for a booty call, although I could suck it up for some period of time. 

I suppose I could keep the house, and trade equity for debt, so that her debt burden would be lower and mine would remain higher. She'd still need to lean heavily on her family to setup a new place - particularly if she's still unemployed. 

I'm a bit overwhelmed between the betrayal, the constant emotional drain, the financial pressure, and the uncertainty of the path ahead. 

I know I need to move toward ending this, but the financial aspect - I cannot even put down a retainer - is a real stumbling block. 

I am horrified by the prospect of doing this solo without an atty - WW would still get help from family to hire an atty and I'd be at a real disadvantage when it comes to protecting the kids.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I could not afford to divorce when I did -- but it was necessary. I got a $450 2-hour consultation with a lawyer and then did it myself with the help of the county court clerks office. The staff helps with the paperwork.

Ex-wife had a lawyer.

Yes, had to negotiate with the lawyer, but we managed.

Key point, no huge assets to fight over and kids were grown.

Good luck.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Onward7913 said:


> Thanks again for the support.
> 
> There's another layer in this onion - finances. WW quit her job in a meltdown @ 2 years ago, and it's added a lot of financial stress. I've taken on significant debt, and now we're maxxed out.
> 
> ...


Really, if you are spending more than you earn currently, can you afford NOT to divorce? She's a drain on your finances. 

Divorcing her may be the first step toward financial health for YOU.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Caveat--I work with attorneys.

Should you decide to divorce, it would be foolish to represent yourself. Why? Because there are so many issues with her mental health, custody, division of marital debt, division of marital assets, child support, and alimony (?). And if she's legally combative, you would have no idea what your legal remedies are. You would be overwhelmed in a New York second.

While it's unfortunate that her parents are near retirement and will have to help her financially, be glad that's an option. Use it.

She is the one who imploded your family by cheating. Do not forget that. So for you to take on extra marital debt and/or tread into extremely dangerous territory by representing yourself is ludicrous.

This is your and your kids' lives we're talking about here. She needs to get a job. And if she is too mentally unstable to do that, then she needs to start the ball rolling to apply for disability.

If the house needs to be sold, the kids will adapt. Kids are very resilient and flexible and will probably thrive in an environment that is not fraught with anxiety and mental illness.

Do not shortcut the divorce if that's what you decide. This is no time to bargain shop.


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## Shkb (Sep 19, 2020)

Livvie said:


> You said the "HB has been pretty good" so does that mean you are having sex with her?
> 
> Talk about mixed messages.


Sorry I didn’t see OP answer this question, are you still having sex with her?


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Shkb said:


> Sorry I didn’t see OP answer this question, are you still having sex with her?


Yes.

Rejecting her in any way = ending the relationship. 

While I am preparing to do just that, I am not there yet.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

OK, now I'm there. 

Tonight I discovered that WW has met or is planning to meet an anonymous man for sex during the day. 

I prequalified for a personal loan - hopefully it will come through next week and I can put down a retainer and proceed to D. 

I have not confronted her - I need to get everything lined up. 

At this point, I need to focus on practical legal strategies to protect myself and the kids. I'll try to speak with the atty tomorrow.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Onward7913 said:


> OK, now I'm there.
> 
> Tonight I discovered that WW has met or is planning to meet an anonymous man for sex during the day.
> 
> ...


For your own health, please stop having sex with her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

..... And get STD tested ASAP.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

I think you’re handling this like a boss. Only wish I’d had this presence of mind after DDAY. don’t white knight for her


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> For your own health, please stop having sex with her.


yup. tapped out.


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## Onward7913 (Nov 15, 2020)

Livvie said:


> ..... And get STD tested ASAP.


we were both tested after DD1 and came back clean. I can't be 100% sure that she hasn't traded fluids with another OM I'm not aware of, but chances are low and from what I can determine this new partner is new - possibly just today - we haven't been intimate since last week. 

hopefully dodged that bullet, but will get tested again...


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Not that I'm glad you're going thru any of this, I'm not. But it's good to see you got knocked off that fence.
Best of luck going forward.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Have you confronted her about this new man? Letting it go passively only brings you more pain.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Onward7913 said:


> we were both tested after DD1 and came back clean. I can't be 100% sure that she hasn't traded fluids with another OM I'm not aware of, but chances are low and from what I can determine this new partner is new - possibly just today - we haven't been intimate since last week.
> 
> hopefully dodged that bullet, but will get tested again...


If you know the details of her planned extra marital excursion, bust her in the act. Possibly with other witnesses.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Nasty woman. Lord....


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Onward7913 said:


> Although I haven't read a single thread or case where someone has done it. It's always max drama.
> 
> I am (naively?) attempting to get through the holidays for the sake of the kids.


Search here for posts and maybe threads by @Uptown.

He has had experience (and iirc that included an arrest on false charges), and tended to comment on threads needing such expertise.

If you don’t know how to use the search tools here, please let me know.

I assume you’ve looked for online resources besides TAM, such as bpdfamily.com. Maybe there is experience there.

There’s always a holiday or something coming up. Seems preparing the best you can makes the most sense, and then doing what needs to be done when you feel it needs to be done. There’s never going to be a time that feels better than that.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Onward7913 said:


> I know I need to move toward ending this, but the financial aspect - I cannot even put down a retainer - is a real stumbling block.
> 
> I am horrified by the prospect of doing this solo without an atty - WW would still get help from family to hire an atty and I'd be at a real disadvantage when it comes to protecting the kids.


JMHO, it’s smart to protect yourself and your kids’ interests. Even if it eats the little home equity you have. You are not in a situation where you’re going to be able to plan a straightforward exit path that you can see ahead of time how it’s going to work out. You may have to choose to walk forward despite many uncertainties, and trust yourself to figure out a way to make it work as you go. That’s not my preferred approach to life — and tends to keep me stuck in one place, in certain situations. Other people find it easier to take leaps. Ymmv.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

My employer offers an optional legal-plan benefit, for like $30/month, that provides 15 hours of representation for contested divorce, or free handling of uncontested. I assume if your employer offered that, you’d have signed up already. Mentioning it on the tiny chance something like that would be an option for you and you just didn’t realize it was offered.


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