# Broken up - feels like a divorce. She was great but why did she do this?



## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

Thank you for reading. - This IS a long post (only because I am a clear and effective communicator which is another reason why she was so into me and drawn into me)...


Right now I am very down and depressed. I have not eaten in 2 weeks properly, lost a lot of weight and have had to move out from my now ex (I hate to say that) after 3 years of being together (2 years living together).


I have left my life behind (professional and independence) and had to move back home to my mom which sounds pathetic but having no where to go...what do you do?

I cannot even gather my thoughts to write down the issue.

a little background about me:

I am a very deep thinker, a professional, a passionate and very affectionate sensual and intense person (with the right person). 


what does not help is my race. Even though I am British born, I am of a middle eastern decent and given how the world is these days - it really doesn't help me.

I have no confidence in myself but only in terms of my professional career. I have 2 businesses (one in the US and the UK), won global awards for the work that I do and never have asked for money at all.
I am a respectable individual. A strong strict background.

I am also a person that does not sleep around or go from one person to the next. I don't like that, nor do I play games or do drama. I can say that with my hand on my heart.

I am very unattractive physically and women here only care about looks. seriously, you have no idea. I wont go into it....

fast forward to 3 years ago - met this amazing woman. Fell in love like no other. my inner passion, sensuality, emotional side came out (that ive always had) and she loved it. I mean the simplest of things we would love to do together such as going out to the shops for groceries, dinners, you name it. Even cultural/heritage stuff. 

loved each other like we never have. Sure, she was divorced for a long time and have had men cheat on her but the one thing that struck a chord so much was the morals and ethics. That she isn't like other women and so unique - does not sleep around or continue to search when you are with someone (of which I have always been a victim of).

I am a deep thinker and a mature responsible one. This is another thing she liked a lot about me.

sure, she has been stressed with work but no matter what I always make the time even if she cannot. I helped her, stood by her through thick in thin. After all, it is what a committed relationship is about. 

we bought each other commitment rings and were indeed going to head towards marriage. 

remember: I'm very insecure about myself because of my large experience and constant rejection and not being able to fit into society. 

I took her to places she only ever dreamed of going such as recently to Dubai. She is my world and we truly loved each other. There was no pressure, no awkwardness - nothing of the sort since we met the first time.

ive been through some rough times personally and she was there to support me and wanted me to move in to her place. Great! But I always paid my way. 

anyway, fast forward till about last week on her birthday (Saturday).


it was to be our 3rd anniversary. for whatever reason recently she hasn't been straight with me and no idea why. Being the person I am, I am a sensitive soul and try to be there for her. I'm open and honest and always wear my heart on my sleeve. 


she has always been in denial that there is something wrong.


she has had building work carried out at her place and has had builders. 


anyway, she has been telling lies and confiding to them (one person in particular) about me as I saw the messages on her phone. she tells me one thing like she wants to be with me but being apart for a month would be good as she needs space (not sure why to be honest since I am always stuck in my office for at least 13-14 hours a day). 


she tells me she wants me, loves me and she is hurting as she is doing this to me. Again, I don't know why and I keep asking.
she always said she is not going to kick me out at all but guess what? Yep - this past Saturday the 14th may 2016, she did just that. her birthday and our 3 year anniversary. I had to go.


I cannot sleep or eat. I don't understand why she has been telling lies and confiding to the builder about our personal matters/relationship.

sexually, all has been great. ive always asked if there is something I could be doing wrong and no - never. she always has said its been amazing and you can tell just by looking into her eyes and her gorgeous face. (she is in her late 40's now).


I am torn apart. her family and I got on very well. we are not the party type but quiet, peaceful and keep ourselves to ourselves. her family liked me a lot too and not because they are happy for her daughter but we had a good relationship. that's important to me as I am a family type of person.


my head is all over the place. this may not even make sense reading.


now she is telling her friends what a bad person I am and that really isn't fair given everything. I also have her personal belonging in my storage unit along with my stuff due to the building work but I am now in a different country than her at the moment (but easy to hop on a flight).


the point is, I just don't get what happened. I have been very upset and my trust completely broken because of her lies to me about telling other people whatever the issues are. relationships have their ups and downs but you work at them to get it right. that's what I always believe.


we never argue - I am not the argumentative time or raise my voice or shout. She does often speak her mind about things in general which can get her into a lot of trouble but I try to calm her about it (i.e immigrants or benefits etc...). 


At least I know I am a devoted person, committed to the relationship. At least I know I don't cheat but she pretty much in the process of cheating yet she says to me that if she is with someone then she is all in it and not half and half (which is a good thing and that's what I like). 


not happy that she has done this after everything we have built and the time spent. you live once, you make the most of it but does not mean you need to play these games and cause nonsense. its not fair on me.


her tears seemed genuine the last week and saying that she is sorry for hurting me, that I am her dark prince and angel that fell from the sky. she has always said this. and I always speak from the heart (even before all of this nonsense started).


I tell her how much I love her and why. I sometimes bring flowers to her (a lost art as some say). I go deep into my heart and tell her, and write love notes too, about why she is amazing to me and what she means to me because these days people just rush and don't really take the time and don't know what a proper, true relationship is.


I miss her so much. Sure, granted I have sent angry and hasty emails to her but its understandable why - the lies and deceit. 


why not just tell me what's up? she has always been able to be open without the fear of being hurt (as she has in the past like me). She always rushes around because of work and other things she needs to do around the house, which i try to help her with, but still nothing. 


I just wish there was an explanation but I am so heart broken and barely functional without her. I really devoted myself to her and the relationship and we agreed that messing around is not the right way and we are both way better than that. 


Food doesn't taste the same without her. Cannot sleep, or drink. I wish she would think about me at least or all of this. She has caused me a lot of pain and anger yet when I get frustrated (I ask her lots of questions or I just end up shutting down) She says that I'm not normal or its not a normal way to react and I just don't know what to say at that point. 
all i know is that we have so much in common and so much desire, we resonate together and love doing many things together and then this happens. 

Now I am suffering in many aspects including my career and she does know that. 


She told me that maybe me moving nearby someplace will help a lot with her space to which i was ok with (but not really however i respected that) and said that its fine but i don't want anything to change between us to which she said that it wouldn't but certainly will help. Obviously its not easy to find a place to rent just like that but within about a week she just pretty much said i had to go...and it had to be on her birthday/our 3 years together. Woke up that day together (I said I'd go to a hotel but she said she didn't want that and wants me to stay), i wished her a happy birthday and she wished us a happy 3 years and kissed. then obviously on that day in the evening i had to go.


i organized a small little event for us and her family for her birthday to which i wasn't invited to go and then arranged a surprise dinner for us and her friends in the evening to celebrate our anniversary to which of course i was not allowed to go in the end. 


just makes no sense. FINALLY a decent woman who loves me for me and finds me appealing in many aspects including the physical and then this happens. Why oh why I'll never know.


i wrote her a love letter 2 days prior, she came into the office with tears in her eyes and gave me such a passionate and sensual kiss and held me tight as i did with her. She said she doesn't want me to go and is sorry that she is doing this.


im so confused. honestly hand on heart, she has been the best thing and ill never meet anyone like that again, nor do I want to and I know it's cliché saying "never say never" and "time will heal" but ive been through so much in life and she understood and respected and was never judgemental.... she is my everything. 
her sophistication, her elegance and beauty... just so right.

Now alot of people think this is some fantasy or bubble but I can assure you it is not. This is how we were together in terms of the intensity. We are both highly educated with professional jobs although sometimes her maturity is questionable at times but that's ok. She knows and loves my vulnerable side because these days, its non existent pretty much and I am just genuine and true. I don't play games or mess around, nor does she until all of this happened quite quickly without any reasoning. 

I just need some understanding but seems no one is understanding in these terrible circumstances but instead get somewhat "bullied" or told the usual silly stuff like "get over it" - it's not easy! Things like this, me and her completely understood that this is not the right way to do or say things that care must be given as today doesn't have as much care as what once used to be.

I miss her terribly but I know I am not going to hear from her, even though I have her belongings in my storage unit. I just hate the fact that everything has been blown so out of proportion and she doesn't care or remember me in the good light of things as it has been the case. 

im so sorry. Thanks for reading. I just cannot comprehend why people do this. There is so much more to write but I just cannot.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Jeeeezzz this stinks. What I would recommend is just do The 180. I dont know why but its the only way it works. Read my post im going through the same thing and now im doing the 180 and shes coming to me. Something in human nature challenges us to want what we cant have as bizarre as this is. People on here told me about the 180 long ago and it worked. Im not trying to get my wife back now but i did before and it worked. Avoid her, dont talk long and make yourself look cool. Dont ever cry or show weakness. Women seem to like that man on his own type thing. Always have. The more I was strong and showed I could live without her the more she fell apart and ended up begging back. Never should have taken her back hahaha But try it


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She is cheating on you with another guy. That is why she did such a radical turnaround. Actually, her behavior is quite typical and right out of the cheater's handbook. She will lie about you and get everyone to hate you as a way to force you to go away so she can be with her new man. 

I'm sorry this happened to you. 

Stop chasing her. It makes you look weak and pathetic to her. The more you chase the more she will run away. So stop it. That is the first thing you must do.


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

Thank you for your valuable time in reading my post. I really appreciate it.
I wish she would come back to me in some way but nothing. hasn't contacted me but I did try to get in touch with her a few times and nothing back (and I expect this). I haven't sent out anymore communication for 2 days now. I just wish I could see her and talk to her and just be together again and work it through.

i honestly have no idea why she did this. i'd hope she'd miss me or something and how we were together (even though she said in the end that there seems to be more bad than good which i just don't get and I am a person who always looks at things from all angles and tries to improve himself).

she does owe me money, I have her stuff in my storage unit too. And recently bought some expensive bathroom stuff for both of us during her renovation too.... jeez.

i just feel like making a recording and sending it to her. just want to remind her of how we were, what we do... how much i miss her. 3 years is a good period of time and you cannot just chuck that away...we have been through a lot and done a lot together in a good way. 

when we met, we agreed and had the same feeling (strong) and philosophy that game playing is bad and wasting time is bad. no need for the stupidness in the whole dating area. since then we truly have been together, pretty much like a rock. recently when I tried to talk to her and ask her whats going on she wouldn't say but looked at me, cried and telling me that I am her rock and ive always been there for her. 
she knows how i feel as i always reach deep into my heart and be open with her, she does at times too and loves that about me. I miss her saying to me "you are my dark handsome prince".... 

of course I was completely angry and frustrated just before I left as she blatantly lied to me about something. I did something stupid but she did drive me to do it. I may have said but I wrote an email to her friends saying that she's decided to end it and confided/told the builder about our private matters which i don't approve of nor is it fair and good luck to their futures. 
I also did write something on her social media page (which apparently she barely uses).... needless to say most likely she got nothing but sympathy from her friends. She is 46 now and its been 1 week since I left. this is so hard. i thought she was mature and sensible (finally...found her) but.... 

i just don't know.
oye...


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

you have to play it cool, shes not going to want to listen to you if you are pitiful . What I did to get mine back which was a big mistake , is I showed her I didnt really care anymore,.even though it was a lie. call her up and say you need to get that stuff out of the storage, give her a little scare. sometimes the reallity will set in for her too but DO NOT show weakness, women seem to hate that they do. I guess its animal instinct


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

Thanks bcc.
i admit i did show anger in an email or two but that's only normal human emotion. she is a stubborn person and i did tell her that i still have her stuff in my storage unit but heard nothing back. these are things she does need. 

she really is a stubborn person. but i can tell you we do really click and match together. this isn't a desperado/holding onto something that isn't there speech. it is true and she knows it (and has said it numerous times with feeling). just wish she would ... come to her senses. ill play it cool but i know she wont come back. its just so sad. and the fact that i miss living with her but also in the district she lives in too.... jeez. 

she really is pretty to me and we both know looks don't matter. we are not superficial people and todays world it is all about that. we really understand.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dollars to donuts she has a new stallion in the paddock. 

She isn't going to listen to a word you say. So stop communicating with her.


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

Thanks, which is why its difficult as we both have the same outlook and feelings about things like that and morals/ethics.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

firehawk said:


> Thanks, which is why its difficult as we both have the same outlook and feelings about things like that and morals/ethics.



Well apparently she has more of that with someone else.


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

wow.... thanks....


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

As much as it sucks and you're heartbroken, she's gone. She probably had been thinking of this for a while too. It will take time so start doing some hobbies to distract you.

And the more desperate you act the worse it gets. It definitely won't win her back, just the opposite.

Let her go. There is a someone out there for you, but don't build your life around finding someone. Live a happy life for you first.

Even if you get back together this whole thing has damaged your relationship and she'd always have the power in the relationship. You should be equals and it sounds like she took you for granted. 

Good luck, time will heal the wound.



firehawk said:


> Thanks, which is why its difficult as we both have the same outlook and feelings about things like that and morals/ethics.


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

thank you. i understand. thing is there were no signs or anything. we would always be open and honest with each other in a nice way but then something changed very shortly and no idea what or why. 3 years.... and just had finished doing a room for me to make as an office. 

i just don't get it. so difficult to find someone in the first place since I don't really fit into society and its not a desperate thing either. just that i believe (As she does) that you are meant to be with someone in this lifetime - doing things together etc... 

sorry for waffling. just how i feel and how i am.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

firehawk said:


> wow.... thanks....


Look, brother. Do you want someone to lie to you and tell you she is waiting on you to tell her how much she misses you, when it is clearly not true?

The only reason you make comments like this is because you are looking for advice that will enable to to continue to lie to yourself.

You will find very little of that here, and for good reason. The worst person you can possibly lie to is yourself.

She has left. She does not want to contact you, or she would have already. Work on getting over her and finding someone who actually shares your values.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

thanks. I do understand and you are right. its just our connection, intimacy on many levels too (emotional mainly, sexually and intellectual). been through a lot together and supported each other - makes no sense to just ignore all of that and throw it away you know? 

urgh. its frustrating.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It sucks to have you heart broken. We all sympathize. 

She's a flake. The world is full of them. Now you know what to look for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm truly sorry you are hurting badly, but you have gotten up before. You will have to do it again. She is gone and deep down you know it. 

She will NOT return. You have to get out of this funk, and start building a new life for yourself. You need to find your anger that she lied, cheated, and threw you out. Stop contact and channel your rightful anger towards moving on. How does this pathetic person you are now help you? Will crying, being depressed and miserable change what has happened? 

You have been beaten down before and found happiness and contentment again. You did this on your own. You need to find that inner strength again. Go to the doctor and get medication. You may be going through midlife changes and that's why this is hitting you so hard. 

You said it yourself. You were different with her. Your emotional side flourished! That's a midlife change, and your overwhelming depression is part of that too .

SEEK professional help! You are very vulnerable at this point in your life. 

(((((Hugs)))))

Bibi


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

Thank you bibi.
here is the thing: I don't sleep around or date endlessly. i don't. ive only been with less than 5 women in my life. this woman was truly different. yeah i got out of my slump before but those relationships were not lengthy and there was no true love either. ive always been in tune with my feelings from a very early age and only has improved as time has gone on. 
she said she has never been with anyone like me but very close resemblance may have been her ex husband but even so that I have been really different with her as its all been pure and at one.

urgh. again - so sorry. its been 1 week today since i left. wish she would remember the things we do, talk about, the weekends we spend together (if she has time). miss her taking me to the airport when i need to fly out for business. 

damn it girl. ill always love you even though you hurt me. i do believe we are to be honestly... just wish she would get out of whatever issue she is going through and tarnishing me/my rep. just cannot comprehend.

sorry folks. i do apologise.


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

so I'm still pretty down about it and slumped into deep depression. she definitely cheated and I know they are meeting up today too.
after 3 years... really? very irresponsible and immature adult (again - in her late 40's). After everything we spoke about, agree with, commonality, understanding etc.... - this. 

just makes no sense. she really did make me feel better about myself (due to my own insecurities) - never have i ever felt so wanted and loved, nor do I sleep around or date endlessly. something we both had in common but clearly it was a lie from her.

and how unprofessional it has been from the builder she has cheated on me with. Really is that the way to do things? 

walking contradiction. she tells me she doesn't like men who smoke or have tattoo's or drink...and he does all of those things. 

really honestly thought we had a good solid foundation. there were no reservations or anything (even though we both had been hurt in the past) - we gave ourselves to each other in every sense of the word.

I'm sorry for blabbering. the point is there was no need at all in all of this. at least I can say i was fully committed and devoted, romantic and always put her first. she even said so by her admission but it just makes you question.
life is meant for 2 and we talked about it...and this was "it" for us with a view to eventually wed. heck we even got each other commitment rings.

moved in with her and recently got my office complete as part of the remodelling process. and then.... 
jeez.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She's not who you think she is. You loved the idealistic version of this woman.....who only existed in your mind.

You put her on a pedestal. Women don't like it there. Don't do it again.

It's only 3 years. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it. 

Never let your self esteem and self identity get swallowed up by another person. Remember. Who. You. Are.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

firehawk said:


> Thanks bcc.
> i admit i did show anger in an email or two but that's only normal human emotion. she is a stubborn person and i did tell her that i still have her stuff in my storage unit but heard nothing back. these are things she does need.
> 
> she really is a stubborn person. but i can tell you we do really click and match together. this isn't a desperado/holding onto something that isn't there speech. it is true and she knows it (and has said it numerous times with feeling). just wish she would ... come to her senses. ill play it cool but i know she wont come back. its just so sad. and the fact that i miss living with her but also in the district she lives in too.... jeez.
> ...


The best advice I can give you is to immerse yourself in your work and completely and totally ignore her.

If your relationship is as you say it was, there will be a knock on your door within 3-6 months.

But, you simply MUST get on with your life. Any time spent chasing her or pining after her is wasted time.


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

Thanks. 
to clarify - there isn't an "idealist" version of her in my mind. This was actually reality. I don't believe or make up for things which are just not there. makes no sense... you would be lying to yourself and wasting time. 

i got an email 2 days ago with an invoice attached from the builder (no idea why it was sent to me) with her included in the email.... and basically being all "friendly" and "complimentary" - they met up yesterday. so disgusting and felt sick with what they would be up to. just like that... 3 years and "moved on" that quick? just makes no sense. totally sick.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry, I know this is tough for you. 

Let me ask you this: you claim that you're unattractive, which is subjective. You also claim that in your area women only care about looks. 

But are you trying to get only gorgeous women? What do you consider besides looks? 

Are you open to less attractive women? 

You can ask women to apply a different set of criteria than you use judge them. 

And if you don't consider anything else how will you have any idea if you got a good partner? 

Something to consider as you move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

thank you. for your response and allow me to reply.

Nope. I am absolutely not trying to only get "gorgeous" women. for me, its the personality and the inside that counts in all honesty. But really she was pretty good looking in my books but it was the inside/personality that really got us together more than anything. in the scheme of today, she isn't a very high pretty looking woman but to me she really looks great. She may have thick legs and always tries to lose weight (she doesn't need too and ive told her this so many times) but she really is great looking to me and the choice of clothes she wears, her elegance and sophistication is second to none and that really drives me wild.

The ones whom I have tried (who wont even start a conversation with me) are superficial and don't really have anything to talk about in all seriousness. because I am unattractive physically (and colored....) they really don't give a second look. I have even had a woman literally spit on me because I am ugly. 

i even told my now ex (I hate saying that) this. I was not fishing for any compliments but she did feel sorry and consoled me. She is a person who does NOT get on well with other women in general and kind of knows what its like. 

right now i just don't know what to do or think. its now end of work day and normally i would be at home working whilst she is about to get home and would kiss and cuddle and greet each other before starting dinner and i ask her about her day (which consists of moaning and complaining!). 

such a big dramatic change. why is it that good people who work hard get crapped on and the ones who don't just excel and get everything? you know, she even said this too and i feel for her (finally someone who gets me) but now... i dunno. its like she is just getting away with what she did.

you know she even said that she has never been so close to someone since her ex husband like 8-10 years ago (and he cheated).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok. I recommend that you spend some time considering red flags you may have missed so you can think about that with future women. 

You worry too much about your color, middle eastern men are quite attractive. Do you groom well? Are you in good shape?

I'm a white woman and I think darker skinned men are very attractive. 

I doubt your color matters as much as you think, unless you're in a very racist area.

What else about yourself do you consider unattractive? Maybe you're sending this message, and it is a turn off. Women like confidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firehawk (May 20, 2016)

thank you.

honestly, if there were red flags which were really unacceptable I would have said thanks but no thanks but there really weren't. I am also not saying she was perfect - no one is.

she really was it for me. nice, sensible, very loving (touchy/feely like I was with her - lots). passion, sensual.... being human. of course, not in the end. I would have had more respect if she came clean and was honest and I would be less hurt.

I tried my best to make it work and say to her that whatever it is, I will fix it - tell me what ive done wrong and the fact that I am not leaving because I Care a lot about her and the relationship and that I am committed unlike guys these days (certainly in her past) and she really felt and understood that. she also said to me a few times throughout the relationship that she isn't going to leave me and how can she possibly get bored of me? 

I am confident but not ****y or arrogant. i know ALOT of people are and she knows the type too. I am a very critical person about myself and always want to better myself. that really has been my life and one of many reasons why she fell for me because lots of people don't get what they do or respect... and turns off the other person. I always like to evaluate my position/myself.

I do groom well. I shave 2 or 3 times a week (skin sensitive). I am not a body builder but average ish weight (lost a lot of weight now because of this trauma and stress). she said I look just fine and we both tried diets too. 
she likes chest hair and I don't ... so I have left my chest hair as it always has been for her.

my eye lashes are naturally long and have "dark pool eyes" (brown). 

honestly I don't get it. she doesn't like Caucasian British men because of the behaviour and attitude and prefers dark colored/middle eastern decent because of cultural and respect/values they bring. 
honestly if there is a problem, talk about it... there were a few minor issues (i.e adjustment when I was moving in but that's on my part) but she was fine with it completely but she never did. she wasn't shut off or anything.

boy oh boy.

I smell the evening meals being cooked outside where I am at (restaurants cooking evening meals) and just reminds me of her and the places we would go for food in the beautiful evenings. 

I dunno. we created a nice life together I think. pleasant at least. in love, no hastiness or anything really (except when she gets worked up over very silly and petty things like "need to order the grocery shopping tonight and its getting late" - well, stop wasting time!! I would do it but she wont let me but I let her use my card for paying for bills and paying my way)

the thing with us was that we didn't "date" or serial date or whatever. not my attitude (I HATE people like that) - nor was hers and its why it gelled well to be honest. no messing, no "what are you up to?" no "game playing" - nothing. just truly one for another. 

 makes no sense - sorry. just cut up about it. lost a friend you know? The closeness too. just...everything. 

why turn on the water works in the last week especially on the day I left and telling me all these nice things?


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