# Girlfriend feelings for ex



## confused_bf (Mar 14, 2013)

I think this forum is mostly for married ppl but I will give it a try...

Hello everyone, I will try to make this short ( dunno if I will be able to hehe )

I´m 26 years-old and I´ve been dating this girl ( 22 ) for three years now.
Great relationship, nothing to complain.

Last month, I was looking something in her cell phone and found out that he had been having contact with her ex.
(Before you judge me for snooping let me tell you that for this 3 years we never hid ours cells from each other. I could have discovered all this stuff I´m will be telling you ages ago. I did not because I was not interested in snooping her stuff, anyway...)

I found out she had beeing in touch with her first boyfriend, first love, first time and all that stuff. The dated when she was a teenager and seemed like the end of the relationship, and the relationship itself was not very good.

I told her I knew she had met her boyfriend and she came clean to me. She told she contacted him a few times and that they had met twice. We discussed a lot and I asked her a LOT of questions.
She told me when she met him she didnt fell anything ( althought she went to see him to check if she would feel anything)
Weeks passed, she left the email acc logged and I snooped. 

What I realized from what I read was that she seemed to be in doubt. It seemed she was confused a lot. One of the emails, asking for advice on the internet, was something like this:
"I have a relationship I have always wanted, but a ex has reappered and is saying that loves me. I dont think it would be worth to drop my current bf to be with him, but whenever Im not with my bf I think of my ex. I would not like to hurt my bf but cant stop thinking about the ex".

From the content of the other messages It seemed to me a lot of immatureness. Something like teenagers use to have.
Seems also that he wanted to meet him more than he did.

Anyway, after that I told her I would want to back-off a little from her and that i didnt know whenever i would talk to her.
She went crazy, called me a lot of times and went to my house the next day.
We talked and I told her I would keep my decision.
I had somedays to think some stuff and after 4/5 days I told her that we would be together.
She went NC with the ex too.

Things between us got a little stressing. I wanted to know all the details, I used to ask the same stuff from time to time, somedays yes and others no.
she keeps saying she loves my and want to be only with me. She says shes sorry and that I didnt not deserved this. 

Too complicate more, we found out some days later that she was pregnant ( she didnt take her pills while we were not talking to each other, as she told she was thinking anything right that week ).

That time my anger and hate towards her subsided. I became more close, and started to see her more often. That same week she had a miscarriaged.

i was there all the time supporting her.

Althought, I´m still confused. Since I had to, basically, drill most of the information from her through questioning I think she might have not told me all the truth. That she may be hiding something she thinks it might hurt me.
From the content of the messages things did not get physical.
how do i deal with all this doubt? Somehow seems like we are a lot more close.

The doubt does not disturb me this much, but the period of time she might be feeling this yes.


She is a very good gf. She was always there when i needed. I have a mild mood disorder and i´m kinda obsessive ( i´m in treatment with a psychologist ). So she was there whever i felt depressed and whenever i need her.

I was thinking of a couple therapy ( we r not married or live together but I was planning to engage her this her, which now is on hold ) But i want this to work. I love her and I have never felt that she was not in love with me.


thx for you time guys/gals.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

May I be the first to say that you probably would be better to break it off with her?

Sorry, but you are plan b for her.

Your silver lining is that you are not married, you don't have children, and you are young.

Being someone's plan b doesn't make you happy in the end.

Good luck!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd end the relationship.

I can't even begin to tell you how many "false pregnancies/miscarriages" I've experienced due to the manipulations of women.

End it, you're her second choice.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Another option is to tell her if she has any doubts about you or feelings for the ex again to just leave. Also let her know if you find out on your own you are gone and that's that.

Set boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not now and let things be. She was probably just nostalgic about the ex but not to the point where she would choose him over you (since you are not married or have kids nothing is stopping her from leaving).

If it still bothers you then you can pull the plug at any time. If it’s not worth it to you then bail, you don’t owe her anything.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry this has happened to you. Do you have any plans on marrying? If you can't say 'yes' IMMEDIATELY than leave her and move on. 3 years is a long time to be able to decide if you wish to marry someone and if she isn't convincing enough after all this evidence then move on. 

One thing is for sure, she has second thoughts about you. She shouldn't need closure from a loser of the past. No maturity. DNA test.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

She's just not that into you. Sorry.

Keep things on hold. Insist that she do a pregnancy test in front of you. If she is pregnant, DNA test the kid.

Good luck.


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## confused_bf (Mar 14, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I'd end the relationship.
> 
> I can't even begin to tell you how many "false pregnancies/miscarriages" I've experienced due to the manipulations of women.
> 
> End it, you're her second choice.


Well we had it tested and in fact the was pregnant.

You may laught or not believe but I can say it was ours. 



Lovemytruck said:


> Sorry, but you are plan b for her.


Just cant see that way. She could leave but she did not. She even told a friend ,a few weeks the 2nd metting with the ex, that she was more in love with me.



ArmyofJuan said:


> Another option is to tell her if she has any doubts about you or feelings for the ex again to just leave. Also let her know if you find out on your own you are gone and that's that.
> 
> Set boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not now and let things be. She was probably just nostalgic about the ex but not to the point where she would choose him over you (since you are not married or have kids nothing is stopping her from leaving).


how can I set some stronger boundaries now?
I´ve told her to go NC with him and she has deleted him from fb and email.
She seemed really regreted regarding all the situation.
I tend to have an obsessive pattern of thinking so sometimes I ruminate stuff. That why sometimes I think I may be overreacting to this...

The fact is that I want this to work. I was advised to do some couple therapy with her. To help speed recovering.

I´d not like to give up on the first problem I bump into.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> She's just not that into you. Sorry.
> 
> Keep things on hold. Insist that she do a pregnancy test in front of you. If she is pregnant, DNA test the kid.
> 
> Good luck.


What he said, do not marry her to do the right thing!!! Make sure the kid is yours 1st if she is pregnant.


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## confused_bf (Mar 14, 2013)

she is no longer pregnant...

I said I wanted to marry her before I knew all the stuff.

Its not that I dont want to do it anymore but It wont be done any time soon...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

confused_bf said:


> she is no longer pregnant...
> 
> I said I wanted to marry her before I knew all the stuff.
> 
> Its not that I dont want to do it anymore but It wont be done any time soon...


Oh, didn't see that. In this case run for the hills.....


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## confused_bf (Mar 14, 2013)

English is not my first language...

run for the hills would mean...?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

confused_bf said:


> English is not my first language...
> 
> run for the hills would mean...?


It means get out now!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

confused_bf said:


> she is no longer pregnant...
> 
> I said I wanted to marry her before I knew all the stuff.
> 
> Its not that I dont want to do it anymore but It wont be done any time soon...


It's good to stay on hold.

Look. I've been married for a while now. I can tell you, definitively, that it doesn't get any easier. It only gets harder. And when it gets harder, feelings of love diminish.

It's hard for a couple to love and lust after each other when they have to worry about a mortgage, a couple of car payments, taxes, bills, home repair, etc. Stress is the lust killer. And you are in a very low-stress time of your life right now.

So, if she's entertaining thoughts for her ex, that's bad news. That means that she's REALLY going to be doubting your relationship once you've been married 10 years, with 2 kids and a struggling career. Your girlfriend is ripe for infidelity down the road.

Maybe this time, she only met her ex for coffee, a hug, and a quick peck. 10 years from now, she's that much more likely to be meeting him at a hotel, or worse, your house when you're at work.

Loyalty is one of the cornerstones of good marriage. It might be the most important ingredient. Your girlfriend has given you good reason to doubt her loyalty to you. For me, that would be a deal breaker.

Good luck.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

you don't "see" your ex.


you have sex with your ex.


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## confused_bf (Mar 14, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> It's good to stay on hold.
> 
> Look. I've been married for a while now. I can tell you, definitively, that it doesn't get any easier. It only gets harder. And when it gets harder, feelings of love diminish.
> 
> ...


I did not get it.
You said it was good to stay on hold but also said it was a deal breaker.

I mean, can we generalize this kind of behaviour? 
This means then that she will have feelings for him forever?
Couldn´t she learn to move on?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

She was still a teenager when she had her "first true love"...sometimes people think those relationships are a lot better than they really were just because they were the "first". Not really unusual feelings or response by her IMO. Maybe she needed some closure. 

If you haven't come up with anything physical between them in the most recent communications and your gut tells you that she is really done with the ex, then take your time and continue the relationship. You guys are still pretty young and inexperienced. She is only 22...too young to get married IMO. Take your time, enjoy your youth and freedom and quit obsessing. One more thing, wrap it up and don't get her pregnant until you guys are ready for mge.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Given what I know of women of all ages, I would not want to be involved with this.

She's the center of her own world and loves to be the center of a drama.

She HAS to lose you so she learns the lesson in life: that she cannot mess around being the center of a drama when it comes to a man she would want to marry or be married to.

There is only one way for her to learn this, and it invovles you leaving her.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Confused bf, it sounds to me like you are going to stay with her reguardless of what anyone here(or there) suggests. You said she is no longer pregnant. If you two manage to stay together long enough and do have a child/or children, it's going to be much harder to walk away. I'm sorry, but when she went to meet her EX(twice?), you're fate was pretty much sealed. And she told you that they didn't get physical... and you believed her... I wish you luck. I hope it all works out for you.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

confused_bf said:


> she is no longer pregnant....


What the hell? Is she a wizard? How is she no longer pregnant? Did she have an abortion? Miscarry? Or was the entire pregnancy a lie? 

I don't get it…
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

confused_bf said:


> Well we had it tested and in fact the was pregnant.
> 
> You may laught or not believe but I can say it was ours.
> 
> ...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

When I'm not with my BF, I think of my ex..

Very telling line.

She can erase him from FB FOR YOU but you can't erase him from her heart. The thing is he said he loves her, so he will always carry a torch for her. Erasing him from facebook is just a token gesture, you can get married, have kids and guess what he'll always have a facebook which will be a point of contact, meaning anytime she wants she can send him a message and resume contact.

Unresolved feelings are the worse, because they simply sit there and simmer. For a while she will be happy with you but the minute things go stale or she has doubt, the unresolved feelings suddenly become a tantalizing fantasy and he grows more and more in his role as her knight in shining armour...her lost love.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

confused_bf said:


> I did not get it.
> You said it was good to stay on hold but also said it was a deal breaker.


I said that it's good that you put it on hold. And I said that, for me, it would be a deal breaker. Honestly, I think it should be a deal breaker for you, too.



> I mean, can we generalize this kind of behaviour?
> This means then that she will have feelings for him forever?
> Couldn´t she learn to move on?


What I'm saying is that this is the time in your lives when your gf should be the most in love/lust with you. And that means loyalty. If she was really into you, she would think you hung the moon. She would have no time for anyone else. Instead, she's focusing on her ex. That doesn't bode well.

Because, in the future, there will always be somebody to focus on. Maybe she forgets about her ex. What about her future boss? What about the neighbor? What about her coworkers?

In the future, you will screw up at some point and really, I mean REALLY, piss her off. She will be seething. That is the time that you really want her to be loyal. If she can't be loyal to you when she's still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship, how can you expect her to be loyal when the sh!t hits the fan?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Find some sizzling hot woman whom you'll think about when your current one is not around.

No, no, lemme rephrase that: Find some distractingly beautiful and sizzling hot woman, whom you'll think about even when your obstacle is around complaining inwardly about you, you and you, too.

From what I've read so far, you definitely could use the boost to self confidence. Get out of the fog and go hunting.

To sum up, what's been said so far: forget her. (somebody push play to make hear some good ol' buckley.)


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