# unexpected and unwelcome attraction



## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel weird, confused, and worried right now.

I've been married to my husband for 8 years (together for 13). I love him, I'm in love with him, I find him exceptionally attractive and exciting (emotionally and physically), and I _want_ to be with him until death do us part. 

But this past weekend, I was confronted with feeling a strong (and uncomfortable) attraction to my husband's coworker and close friend, M. A few weeks ago, M. asked my husband and I to watch his new puppy over the weekend, and we readily agreed. Come Friday night, however, my husband was indisposed, so I went on alone to M's house.

We only met for about 20-30 minutes. It was a friendly meeting (probably because we've been friends for a while now)-- we talked, I gave the pup a few biscuits, he gave me the spare keys, and that was pretty much it. But while I was there, I started feeling _really_ attracted to M. Nothing happened (nothing will happen), but it was intense, unexpected, completely weird, and has resulted in more than a few strangely hot fantasies over the past 36 hours.

This is confusing for me because I've always been very communicative with my husband about my fantasy life. And as interesting as that fantasy life may be, it's _never _included a friend. Or excluded my husband.

So now I'm slightly turned-on, entirely ashamed, and frustrated that I can't talk to my husband about it. So I'm here. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Ever had an unwelcome crush? What did you do about it? How can you be married to the love of your life and still have a crush on another person? Does that even make sense?

--A


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

That's how our brains are wired. Part of it is just identifying it and realizing that we don't NEED to act on it. I would also suggest that as your marriage matures you should work on sharing ALL your thoughts with your H, even ones that involve attraction to others, that will help solidify your marriage and also help keep each other accountable to your vows. It will also demonstrate trust and confidence.

But that's just one loyal, unwavering man's point of view, I'm sure that for everyone like me there are many who will complicate the issue by advising white lies, compartmentalization and some need to "protect" our spouse from some kind of pain.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Maybe you should stay away from that guy until you feel that you cooled off. Do not go to his house anymore, and particularily not alone until this fantasy has passed - it will pass. 
Don't mention this attraction to your husband. He would feel hurt, jealous and insecure. Your inner thoughts belong to you. Depends on you how you master them. Simply remove the temptation from your sight and don't act on your crush.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i would NOT share this with your husband. I think it should remain your own secret fantasy. As to why this unwelcome attraction happened in the first place - I guess he's a really nice good looking attractive single forbidden guy. Maybe forbidden fruit is especially tantalizing.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Being a human being a healthy woman ..... I feel it's natural for you to feel an attraction ( even a sexual attraction ) to another male despite being married. For you to have a fantasy with this other male is IMHO still quite natural. 

The key thing is that it stays on your head and remains just that a fantasy ....... allow it to fuel the " fire " so to speak in your bedroom and that in turn will make your Hubby happy and you as well.

I agree with IsGirl though ....... this should remain a fantasy for you to not share with your husband and that M is an attractive , forbidden fruit wink wink !! Leave it at that !


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

For the record, I could only HOPE that my next significant other would trust me enough to realize I would feel the exact opposite of hurt jealous and insecure if she shared her deepest thoughts (including attraction to other men in proximity). It would not only keep me on top of my game, but it would prevent me from unwittingly putting her in situations where she would feel vulnerable to her own lustful desires.

If she lies, what happens the next time this guy asks her to dogsit? Does she come up with another lie to get out of it? Or does she go there and allow herself to get sexually aroused in secret? If she refuses the H will think she is being a bad friend to this couple.

My philosophy is use the raw truth, but I realize that a minority of relationships are actually built on truth where the "trust" is actually built upon unspoken expectations and presumed mutual attraction. In those kinds of relationships this kind of truthful confession may break the foundation.

Or a happy compromise is to not take any action until action is necessary - your H doesn't need to know this now, but if the situation arises know that transparency between spouses is a pretty useful tool at your disposal.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> We only met for about 20-30 minutes.


Whoa. One minute of business and twenty-nine of sex fantasy. On his part, for sure. Men think with their ****. He could smell it in the air. The game is afoot. 



> Has this ever happened to anyone else? Ever had an unwelcome crush? What did you do about it? How can you be married to the love of your life and still have a crush on another person? Does that even make sense?


Unless he's cool with you doing this guy I would suggest not being alone with him. Discreetly turn down opportunities that arise where that happens. 

I don't think you tell hubby just yet. Maybe at some point, like if it ever starts to look like something further is happening.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

@ Lon, if so, I must say I admire your strenght and confidence. But that is you...many other people wouldn't feel so secure hearing that their SO have a big crush on someone else. I, for one, wouldn't. It would feel hurt, and probably obsess wondering if he is looking to see her, if he is thinking of her while we're in bed, etc. Why cut a wound on an injured limb ?
If she can keep her fantasies to herself, and work on overcoming the temptation, I think some sleeping dogs are better left lying. One doesn't need to tell the spouse absolutely every thought he is thinking. For instance, if a guy thought in his mind that he wished his wife had bigger breats/ @ss , but he doesn't go to cheat with more endowed females, does he need to share this thought with his wife? I'd say no, what for? It would hurt her, for nothing. Same in this forbidden fruit situation...that's how I feel about it.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

The friend might have picked up on your attraction and might try to make a move when the opportunity arises. 

He can only do this if your hubby has no idea what is going on. 

Two people guarding your marriage are better than one, so tell him.


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> For the record, I could only HOPE that my next significant other would trust me enough to realize I would feel the exact opposite of hurt jealous and insecure if she shared her deepest thoughts (including attraction to other men in proximity). It would not only keep me on top of my game, but it would prevent me from unwittingly putting her in situations where she would feel vulnerable to her own lustful desires.


Lon, I like your style. And I have to admit there have been times when I wished my H felt similarly. But I've always been a bit more open in this area than he... I was an experimental girl and I pretty much tried it all before I found what I wanted (said with respect to Alyssa Jones from _Chasing Amy_). Whereas he was the slightly nerdy guy who'd only had 2 steady girlfriends. I've always been open with him about who I am and what I like, but my H has always been a bit more reticent in this area. Considering M. is a close friend, this might just be a bridge too far for my H.



IsGirl3 said:


> i would NOT share this with your husband. I think it should remain your own secret fantasy. As to why this unwelcome attraction happened in the first place - I guess he's a really nice good looking attractive single forbidden guy. Maybe forbidden fruit is especially tantalizing.


This could be it. Right before I had this weird bout of attraction, I found out M. and his girlfriend of two years parted ways (which, in all honesty, I was sad to hear about, because his ex-girlfriend is gorgeous, smart, and fun). 

That, and M. is very much like my H (probably why they're such good friends)-- they have the same sense of humor, hobbies, intellectual interests, etc. Maybe that's part of the appeal? 

Thank you everyone for the advice! It's a bit odd to be in a situation where I can't tell my H something I'm feeling/ wanting, and I haven't really known how to approach it. But it seems like it'd be a good idea to ask H to help me use some of this extra energy... hopefully he won't mind too much.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> @ Lon, if so, I must say I admire your strenght and confidence. But that is you...many other people wouldn't feel so secure hearing that their SO have a big crush on someone else. I, for one, wouldn't. It would feel hurt, and probably obsess wondering if he is looking to see her, if he is thinking of her while we're in bed, etc. Why cut a wound on an injured limb ?
> If she can keep her fantasies to herself, and work on overcoming the temptation, I think some sleeping dogs are better left lying. One doesn't need to tell the spouse absolutely every thought he is thinking. For instance, if a guy thought in his mind that he wished his wife had bigger breats/ @ss , but he doesn't go to cheat with more endowed females, does he need to share this thought with his wife? I'd say no, what for? It would hurt her, for nothing. Same in this forbidden fruit situation...that's how I feel about it.


well she can spare him the details... all she has to do is say "there is some sexual chemistry there and I wouldn't feel right being around him alone".

Now that I think about it, going back to highschool (wow that long??) I remember one night sitting on the front porch with my HS GF at night and a car pulls up, it was a boy she had dated before, he was looking to hook up. She grabbed my hand, introduced me as her boyfriend, we all chatted and after he left she told me that she'd had lots of fantasies about him and made out and that he was still but it was in the past and she wanted me. My gawd I never felt so cherished and confident, that no matter how attracted she was to him he couldn't compete with me. Some time later there was a party we were invited to, she told me he was going to be there I said we're not going, she agreed and we spent the evening alone making out instead.

As for a guys thoughts, what harm is there admitting to the one you've chosen to become one with to learn about the things you like or dislike, is it not better to know everything about each other than wonder why he's always pretending not to look at large breasted women then sneaking off somewhere he can get a better look privately away from his spouse? The point is, respect your spouse and their choice to be with you, don't plant seeds of doubt.

The best marriages I know, both spouses know exactly the kind of body types and personalities the other likes, and give themselves permission to look once in awhile. But they always bring it in because they know they found their match.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

It takes a great deal of self confidence to act as cool as you did 
Not everybody has it, though... I agree, she can spare him the details, but he's gonna ASK for the details, what exactly does she mean by sexual chemistry, did he touch her, does she want him to, and so on...And if she confesses how attracted she really is to that guy, she'll open a box of worms. Then it will be " is she going to meet him ?" when she just goes to the grocery store, " is she making herself sexy for him ? " if she buys herself a nice outfit or gets a hair do, " are you thinking of him?" if one night she's not in the mood for sex, etc. I'm all for honesty too, but sometimes it can do more harm than good.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> It takes a great deal of self confidence to act as cool as you did
> Not everybody has it, though... I agree, she can spare him the details, but he's gonna ASK for the details, what exactly does she mean by sexual chemistry, did he touch her, does she want him to, and so on...And if she confesses how attracted she really is to that guy, she'll open a box of worms. Then it will be " is she going to meet him ?" when she just goes to the grocery store, " is she making herself sexy for him ? " if she buys herself a nice outfit or gets a hair do, " are you thinking of him?" if one night she's not in the mood for sex, etc. I'm all for honesty too, but sometimes it can do more harm than good.


ha! first time i've been accused of having a lot of confidence! I may also be rewriting my reactions at the time, in the moment I was probably very nervous and uncomfortable, but it was HER actions (ie forthcoming with the facts) that gave me the boost in confidence that I've processed from the event ever since.

If htheo's H questions and prompts for more details, she can simply be truthful. That's the brilliance of the truth, it doesn't lead astray. If he is becomes distraught, then all she has to do is reassure him that she is being forthcoming because she has faith in their marriage and wants him to have complete trust in her.

But maybe that is just too idealistic, maybe it needs to be set up like that from the very beginning of the relationship to work.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Hortensia, If it was some random guy she sees every now and then at the supermarket then I would be inclined to agree with you, but it is a man that her husband is entirely responsible for bringing around. 

Because of this he is an unwitting participant in tempting his wife with another male and feeding her crush. 

This is emasculating. No one should ever be this unfair to someone they love and respect.

Give him a choice. Make him aware.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

[QUOTE=

But maybe that is just too idealistic, maybe it needs to be set up like that from the very beginning of the relationship to work. 

It is quite idealistic, indeed.  But who knows, maybe the OP's hubby would be able to look at this matter from the same angle as you. She knows his personality, and whether he's likely to feel insecure or not after such a confession. 
I still opine that there is no need to say anything if she trusts herself with this. And if she doesn't trust herself, how could the husband trust her ?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> But maybe that is just too idealistic, maybe it needs to be set up like that from the very beginning of the relationship to work.
> 
> It is quite idealistic, indeed.  But who knows, maybe the OP's hubby would be able to look at this matter from the same angle as you. She knows his personality, and whether he's likely to feel insecure or not after such a confession.
> I still opine that there is no need to say anything if she trusts herself with this. And if she doesn't trust herself, how could the husband trust her ?


The thing is, she hasn't done a thing wrong. Keeping secrets like this will fester, IMO. I don't think there is such a thing as TOO idealistic, as long as its grounded in reality, what is wrong with setting lofty standard of communication between spouses? Maybe if more people trusted their spouses there would be less shaky footing and less temptation... I see this as pure opportunity to build trust.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

True, she hasn't done anything wrong...so it's nothing to confess except a sexual chemistry that she should be able to keep under control. I agree though, the guy being friends with the hubby makes it harder for her to avoid. I can't begin to imagine how would I feel if my hubby told me he fancies a friend of mine...even if he told me with the best intention, it would still shock me and haunt me. It's not something easy for a spouse to hear...
Well hope that OP keeps us updated. Hope she stays strong .


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I advise the white lie.

Everyone becomes attracted to someone other than their spouse, we're human.

Nobody wants to hear about their spouse being attracted to their best friend.

Where does it end and what good can come of it?

The next time you check out a hot guy at the gym should you run home to your husband and confess your sin?

All it's going to do is make him seriously insecure about you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> The thing is, she hasn't done a thing wrong. Keeping secrets like this will fester, IMO. I don't think there is such a thing as TOO idealistic, as long as its grounded in reality, what is wrong with setting lofty standard of communication between spouses? Maybe if more people trusted their spouses there would be less shaky footing and less temptation... I see this as pure opportunity to build trust.


How is telling your husband you are attracted to his best friend going to build trust?

It's going to have the exact opposite effect and create insecurity.

Unless of course she's married to an android she can preprogram to not give a damn but I've never met a human male who is going to react well to such info


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> How is telling your husband you are attracted to his best friend going to build trust?
> 
> It's going to have the exact opposite effect and create insecurity.
> 
> Unless of course she's married to an android she can preprogram to not give a damn but I've never met a human male who is going to react well to such info


Well she can keep it to herself, but obviously it was serious enough (took so much of her attention) that she felt she had to confide here (share this information to the world wide web, but not her own husband - and yes I know its anonymous so not quite the same thing) so it's a serious issue that she will feel conflicted about it - if it's had that affect on her I suspect it is headed for trouble (not that she will cheat, but setting up trust issues and boundary issues). That's just my take, I don't think I need to say any more on this thread though so I will bow out and with the OP luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> well she can spare him the details... all she has to do is say "there is some sexual chemistry there and I wouldn't feel right being around him alone".


Seriously Lon sometimes I wonder if you live on the same planet I do.

If I came home from my wife's best friends house and told her...

"there is some sexual chemistry there and I wouldn't feel right being around her alone"

The **** would crush the fan and not just with my wife but every woman I've ever dated would lose it if I ever told them such a thing and truthfully I don't know a man who would react any differently.

I love my wife but she's not entitled to every thought or feeling I have especially if I know nothing would come of the attraction.

All telling her would do is send her off the deep end and do serious damage to my marriage.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

tacoma said:


> How is telling your husband you are attracted to his best friend going to build trust?
> 
> It's going to have the exact opposite effect and create insecurity.
> 
> Unless of course she's married to an android she can preprogram to not give a damn but I've never met a human male who is going to react well to such info


My husband. But trust me, you don't want my husband.


If I were you, I'd firm up my boundaries but not mention it to H. Like, remember NO TOUCHING, no matter how friendly. No hugs or kisses hello, no casual hand on the arm. Keep at least an arm's length between the two of you and it should be pretty easy. If it turns out that this guy is crushing on you too and starts to cross lines, then I think you should tell your DH. Until then, if you start to fantasize about him, re-direct yourself to focusing on your breathing until the urge passes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Seriously Lon sometimes I wonder if you live on the same planet I do.


Yeah, we definitely have different approaches eh?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

So you suddenly started feeling attracted to his friend after finding out he broke up with his gf.It seems like you were attracted to him long before this watching puppy thing.Don't put yourself in situation where you are alone with his friend again and try to get your husband to be more open with you,if that is what you want him to be.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Also, you don't have to tell any white lies to avoid being alone with the guy (I wouldn't be comfortable with that, personally). Just tell him or your H if it gets to that that you don't think it looks right for a married woman to be alone with a single guy. That's always been my mother's advice. "No H, I'd rather not go pick up the puppy. He's a single guy, I'm a married woman. What if someone saw me coming or going? It just doesn't look right."

Excellent advice, my mother rocks.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree with lon. It may create some insecurity but the fact that she would tell him outright would help both of them work on squashing this temptation. Of she hides it the it will no doubt fester, cause her to continue to entertain the fantasy and mayhaps go through with it. Sure telling her husband may cause him insecurity but I feel its better that this man KNOW his mate can be attracted to another and he and her could take steps to prevent fantasy from becomming reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This happened all the time, I call it crushes. Or short-term sexual and emotional infactuation... if you want to be technical.

Robbed the desire that I had for my wife for the rest of the day, sometimes even longer. I realised it, accepted it about myself (NOTHING be ashamed about, this is human!), and DECIDED I'm not going to be an idiot and act on these stupid temptations.

After a while I learnt how to balance out my desire, if I find myself being overly attracted to someone, I imagine them smelling foul, or grunting like a pig in bed, or having too much hair down there, etc etc (all the nasty turn-offs which are probably not true in almost all cases - but hey I could have been right a few times hehe), which balances it out. That way I could maintain my desire for my wife.

Hope it helps and maybe you can learn the same!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol random!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> ...Has this ever happened to anyone else? Ever had an unwelcome crush? What did you do about it? How can you be married to the love of your life and still have a crush on another person? Does that even make sense? ...


Of course. I've had unwelcome crushes on women at work, and they have had them on me, but I ignore them and chalk it up to hard-wiring designed to propagate the species, and nothing more. 

Animal magnetism is normal and healthy. It's acting on it that has to pass through the "reality check" filter system we all have


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

NewM said:


> So you suddenly started feeling attracted to his friend after finding out he broke up with his gf.It seems like you were attracted to him long before this watching puppy thing.


I really didn't want to admit this to myself, but yes, you're right. After doing some serious thinking, I remembered a few occasions over the past year where I deliberately sought out M. during a party and wound up talking to him for extended periods of time. At the time I thought nothing of it, because we were both partnered up and why _wouldn't_ I want to talk to him? He's a good friend to both H. and me.



Gaia said:


> I agree with lon. It may create some insecurity but the fact that she would tell him outright would help both of them work on squashing this temptation. Of she hides it the it will no doubt fester, cause her to continue to entertain the fantasy and mayhaps go through with it.


At the moment, I have approximately zero desire to act on these feelings. That said, I haven't been hit with such a strong level of attraction since I first my my H., and that scares me a little. And whenever something scares or worries me, I tend to turn to my H. to talk it out with me... hence, my frustration that I can't talk to my H.



RandomDude said:


> After a while I learnt how to balance out my desire, if I find myself being overly attracted to someone, I imagine them smelling foul, or grunting like a pig in bed, or having too much hair down there, etc etc (all the nasty turn-offs which are probably not true in almost all cases - but hey I could have been right a few times hehe), which balances it out.


Haha this is clever! Thank you!

Again, thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I'm still debating whether or not to talk to my H. about this, er, "crush" of sorts. For those that are advocating telling my H., can you give any advice on how I might best approach this? If your wife were coming to you with this sort of news, what would be the best way for her to say it to you?

I'm afraid I will have to see M. tonight (not alone, thank goodness... my H. and three other friends will also be there). I can't back out of this because we all share a common hobby, and were I not to show up, it would disappoint my H. That's really why I have to address this. In the context of this hobby group, I see M. once a week.

I'll keep everyone posted of the events from tonight's meet-up... perhaps the "crush" was just a momentary, out-of-the-blue thing that won't continue when I meet up with him in a group setting.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

htheotheralex said:


> At the moment, I have approximately zero desire to act on these feelings. That said, I haven't been hit with such a strong level of attraction since I first my my H., and that scares me a little. *And whenever something scares or worries me, I tend to turn to my H. to talk it out with me... hence, my frustration that I can't talk to my H.*


It was the word *can't* that lead me to suggest you talk to your H about this, it's why I suggested that maybe you work towards being able to trust and understand each other enough to know that attraction is a normal part of life, and intimate communication is an important part of marriage. Obviously you'd like to be able to, but it's fear that prevents you - fear that you will cause your H angst, and so you choose to take this on alone and deal with the angst individually by yourself. I never have thought it was absolutely critical you share this personal thought with your H, but like I said it's an opportunity. Maybe neither of you are ready for that level of intimacy yet, but I'd suggest keep working on growing closer together so that it can be (it shows that there is always room for growth in marriage, doesn't this?), because I would wager that your H would never want you to feel isolated in dealing with your struggles alone.

If you decide you are ready to discuss this with your H, make sure that you plan for enough time to talk it through, early enough to have the discussion and also have some intimate time afterwards, and assure him that this unwanted, unwelcome crush doesn't come at the cost of loss in attraction or connection to him. Use the sandwich method (ie tell him something good about him, tell him what bugging you, tell him something you love about him). Don't offer up details, let him ask and answer truthfully. And most importantly, don't do any of this because me or anyone else is advising you to, only do it if you think it's the right thing to do, or else it will get all munged up. You'll get through it either way, but really this isn't a major issue, I bet your H may also open up and reveal some insight about him that you never knew either.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Well, it depends from what angle you look at it, but if it was me, I would prefer that my husband overcame the crush by his own strenght and spared me the pain of such information. He can tell me years later, when we're both old and saggy, and I will love him even more for not falling into it, and for the delicacy of keeping it to himself .
BTW, I'd like to know what the OP decided to do. Any update ?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

htheotheralex, I would caution you to please stay away from this M guy...emotionally and physically. 

You must make a conscious effort to avoid him and disconnect your feelings. I don't know if telling your husband would be good or bad for either of you personally. It depends on your husband. After all, M is his best friend. Attraction to others is part of being human but following that attraction is dangerous.

You are on a slippery slope with this emotional connection. Your marriage may be fine and satisfying now but if you continue to play with fire emotionally, your marriage will began to seem unsatisfying to you in favor of this new excitement. It becomes like a drug...and you are the addict. Your husband will in turn pick up on your distance and resentment will build between you. This will make M even more attractive to you.

Maybe you should picture this scenario in your mind. 

You and M keep growing closer together. You seek him out whenever you have the opportunity and keep your feelings a secret from your husband. You start obsessing and fantasizing about M all of the time. M starts to feel the same about you. You rationalize your feelings and tell yourself that it is just harmless fun. Subconsciously you start to distance yourself from your husband and over time, the value of your husband and marriage becomes lower and lower to you. Soon, all you think about is M. Then one day you find yourself alone with M and you cross over your marital boundaries. You can't un-ring that bell. You began to spend every spare minute thinking about him and planning your next visit. You began to justify your behavior to yourself by blaming your husband and treating him more and more poorly. Your husband eventually finds out what you have been doing...with his best friend. The S**t hits the fan. He will be destroyed not just from your betrayal, but from the betrayal of his best friend as well. This is a double betrayal. 

Most marriages cannot survive this. Think about what it would do to him emotionally and physically. What kind of friend is M that he could entertain cheating with his best friends wife? What kind of wife would do the same to her husband with his best friend? Do not be one of these people. The guilt and shame you will carry around with you will last a life time. 

Keep in mind that approx 95% of relationships that are born from infidelity do not survive. In time, the fantasy of M will wear off and you will be left with much less then you had with your husband. One day, after the fog in your mind clears, you will realize what a mistake you made but it will be too late, your husband will have moved on and found someone else.

Fantasies about M may seem exciting and harmless right now but this is how affairs start. Trust me...I know. My wife cheated on me. Although, he was not a friend of mine...it was the most painful experience of my life. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if he was a friend. Her affair started much the same as your relationship with M has. Her affair destroyed me emotionally and physically. It tore apart our family and the lives of our children. I divorced her and it was final in January 2012. Her affair partner is divorced as well now. My XW and him are no longer together either. He dumped her. It was all for nothing.

htheotheralex, honesty is the best policy for me. I feel this kind of openness and honesty builds and supports the intimacy you share with your husband. The more secrets you keep from him...the more distance will grow in time. If you were very confident with your ability to shut off your growing feelings for M then you could keep your infatuation a secret. But this is hard to do.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Also, you don't have to tell any white lies to avoid being alone with the guy (I wouldn't be comfortable with that, personally). Just tell him or your H if it gets to that that you don't think it looks right for a married woman to be alone with a single guy.


Thank you.

The short version: "it's not proper".


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I am 100% in line with Lon on this one.


By keeping it a secret, the fantasy lives on (whether intentionally or not). 

Also, you're not giving your husband the opportunity to work with you on developing a plan that gives him the assurance. 

I love it when my husband tells me stuff like this!

Sure, I have the choice to let my insecure little girl within me drive me to fear. But I also have the choice to respond lovingly to my husbands honesty and his trust in me to be this vulnerable. His trust in the US that he wants to protect.

The other night my husband and I were at a work party. I needed a pen. My first instinct was to go to the bar (figuring they'd have a pen- we were sitting rather close to the bar). My husband pointed out that I could ask one of the other ladies at the table (which I did, wondering why I didn't think of that in the first place). 

The next day when we had time to talk, he mentioned how he felt insecure, thinking that I preferred to ask the MALE bartender for a pen instead of the women nearby). 

I could've taken my husband's honest sharing in two ways:

1) Responded with how ridiculous that thought was because that was not my intent. I just wanted a pen and figured there'd be one behind the bar.

2) I heard my husband say that, from his point of view, he feared that I wanted to interact with a man instead of getting what I needed in a cleaner manner. 

What would've happened had my husband just kept his feelings to himself.... he'd question the next time a similar interaction took place...I would still be in the dark (not realizing I'm doing anything hurtful)...it gives the fear time to grow.

My husband telling me this gives me a chance to be aware of similar situations in the future. It's not a matter of assuaging his fears, but rather a chance to be intentional in my actions, so they reflect the level of care my husband deserves. 


That maybe wasn't the best example, but here's one where it didn't start with the initial offering of truth...

My husband struggles with sexual addiction. 

I discovered my husband had been looking at quite a bit of porn as well as on casual encounters on craigslist. I was devastated at this discovery.

When I asked him about it, he was so sorry that he hadn't been honest with me about his struggles and that I had to discover it on my own.

I cannot say that my insecurities didn't flair up (those feelings of not being enough). But what assures me more than anything, is that my husband gave me the opportunity to ask any and every question.I was able to tell him what I needed for reassurance (revisiting his counselor, attending some SA mtgs, computer blocker/filter for porn and other sites, etc). 

I also am safe to tell him when my doubts surface. Freeing me from continuing to live in my own fears/insecurities.


Sure- your husband may have insecurities surface with this revelation. But just think of the wonderful care and protection you can establish within your marriage. Creating this plan together! 

It's so much easier to build an honest foundation on something as benign as your awareness of an attraction to this friend... don't wait until the issue you need to 'come clean' on has much more devastating consequences. 

You have such a great opportunity here!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> . . . .So now I'm slightly turned-on, entirely ashamed, and frustrated that I can't talk to my husband about it. So I'm here. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Ever had an unwelcome crush? What did you do about it? How can you be married to the love of your life and still have a crush on another person? Does that even make sense?


In the spirit of the GEICO drill-instructor therapist . . . .

GEICO - Sarge - YouTube

Put an ice pack on it *hthelo* and take care of the damn dog.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> I really didn't want to admit this to myself, but yes, you're right. After doing some serious thinking, I remembered a few occasions over the past year where I deliberately sought out M. during a party and wound up talking to him for extended periods of time. At the time I thought nothing of it, because we were both partnered up and why _wouldn't_ I want to talk to him? He's a good friend to both H. and me


You will have to put contact with him to minimum,only talk with him when your husband is there,don't go talking to M alone during those parties.

You talked about your husband not being open about sex,is he not open about other things?Try working out with him opening up to you more.

You said they are almost the same in hobbies/interest wise.Is M better looking?Try getting your husband to start going to gym to improve his looks if he isn't going already.

I don't think he will like if you tell him that you want to fvck his friend,he will probably not feel comfortable with you being in M's presence even if he is there with you.Try think about why M broke up with his gf,maybe he is an azzhole in relationships and bad relationship material in general.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I think keeping a secret is really dangerous. 

My wife felt such an attraction, and was sure she was a decent moral person who could control it, and it would be bad to talk to me about it because I might get upset.

That was how her affair started.

If you can't tell your husband, have you another close friend who can support you.

Personally I would rather my wife told me such things.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

This is such a slippery slope, you need to cut any and all contact with this guy if you value your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

htheotheralex said:


> I feel weird, confused, and worried right now.
> 
> I've been married to my husband for 8 years (together for 13). I love him, I'm in love with him, I find him exceptionally attractive and exciting (emotionally and physically), and I _want_ to be with him until death do us part.
> 
> ...


You sound like you have a handle on it. The tone of your post comes over as mature and measured. You don't have a problem, you are only human after all.

It is just a thought. Everybody has had one at some time. 

You don't need to tell your husband about it. He has no need to know. And you say you have no intention of acting on your crush. 

Good on you.


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank you again to everyone for your advice! I'm happy to say I have good news!

I did see M. last night. Not alone, mind you. My H. and two other friends were also in attendance. When I arrived, M. greeted me in the lobby of the office building where he and my H. work, and told me my H. would be down in a minute. 

Imagine my surprise and relief when that intense spark of attraction.... just wasn't there. I showed him a picture of his puppy from the weekend that I'd taken, we made a few jokes about the puppy's tendency to slobber over everything in sight, and then my H. showed up. He smiled at me as he walked over to us, and I thought to myself, "I'm the luckiest damned woman alive." 

As a bit of backstory, I've always founds my H. to be the most attractive person I've ever known (and probably ever will know). He made my heart stop the instant I met him, and sometimes I think I'm still trying to get it to start up again! No one's ever spurred that sort of electricity in me, but M. sure as heck came close. And that left me unmoored because that unique magnetism I share with my H. has been a point of pride between the two of us for, oh, about 13 years. I guess you could say I just assumed another person _couldn't _bring out the same feeling in me, and, unsurprisingly, it made an ass out of u and me (but mostly me). 



NewM said:


> You talked about your husband not being open about sex,is he not open about other things?Try working out with him opening up to you more.
> 
> You said they are almost the same in hobbies/interest wise.Is M better looking?Try getting your husband to start going to gym to improve his looks if he isn't going already.


It's not so much that he isn't open... he'll answer anything I ask of him. I like to share sexy dreams I've had, fantasies I'd like to act on, even crazy locations where it might be fun. He's always a willing partner to try things out, which is great! But when I ask him for some details about a sexy dream or fantasy, it always seems to be, "Oh, I was just thinking about when we were in the shower the other day/ Saturday night/ etc." 

I'm not complaining-- that would be too picky. I guess I'm looking to achieve a bit more detail? We have an active sex life, but it'd be nice if he could make up the fantasies every now and then.

Per M.'s physique in comparison to my H.'s... the two of them are almost exactly the same height and build (and, as of last week, even have the same facial hair). In fact, M.'s puppy was calmer and more responsive when my H. was around-- and my H. was the one who postulated the reason was his physical similarity to M.

It was pretty easy for me to see last night that, sure, M. is a great guy, but he's just a knockoff. And who wants an imitation when you can have the real thing, am I right?

Again, thank you so much to everyone for your advice. I'm glad that this opportunity arose-- it gave me access to TAM as a resource and made me realize I need to monitor my reactions/ feelings to M., because my marriage is, was, and always has been my priority. 

I only have one quick question more... should I still tell my H. about that weird burst of attraction to M.? I'm not feeling actively concerned about the 'spark' arising again, but I do know now I need to keep an eye on it.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

Why not tell him? 

You don't have to put it in the context of "Danger-Decon level orange" but rather just tell him you had an awareness within yourself. That you wanted to speak it out loud to him with the intention to not let it reside in the darkness of secrecy. That you value the "us" and want to be open to giving the proper care and protection your husband needs because you love and care for him so much. I think talking about issue like these that come up in a relationship give so much opportunity to strengthen the marriage. It allows you an dyour husband to discuss this and device a plan that you both agree on should something like this arise for either of you. Why wait until there is an issue...you (or he) will be back here stressing about how someone else is brining up feelings that are not honoring to your marriage.

Just my humble opinion


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice! It's a bit odd to be in a situation where I can't tell my H something I'm feeling/ wanting, and I haven't really known how to approach it. *But it seems like it'd be a good idea to ask H to help me use some of this extra energy... *hopefully he won't mind too much.


I would be very careful using fantasies about M to fuel passion with your husband. M is simply too easily accessible.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I agree with samyeagar....I would think using M to fuel sexual energy with hubby would just be putting the other man directly in your marital bed....


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I would still tell him.

It buys insurance against a future surge in the spark, and takes your relationship with husband to a new level of closeness.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I advise the white lie.
> 
> Everyone becomes attracted to someone other than their spouse, we're human.
> 
> ...


Normaly i would agree. But if i understud this correct.She never had this attraction to his friend before. It just happend
in that moment..
You dont think the guy noticed? What happen´s if he slowly
start´s to make a move?

Tell your husband.But loose the steamy detail´s


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> I feel weird, confused, and worried right now.
> 
> I've been married to my husband for 8 years (together for 13). I love him, I'm in love with him, I find him exceptionally attractive and exciting (emotionally and physically), and I _want_ to be with him until death do us part.
> 
> ...


Count yourself lucky this is the only time you've had to deal with this. 
I've learned to just appreciate the feeling and forget it. Never mention a word to anyone about it. Suffocate it by not giving it air, light or food. It will die and you won't ruin your life.

No need to cause insecurity in your husband and maybe mess up a friendship that he has with M.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dogman said:


> I've learned to just appreciate the feeling and forget it.


And of course there is this, as always. Your personal thoughts are yours alone... it's just that if you perceive this as a "problem" well that's what spouses are there to help you with.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I wouldn't tell. It's just biology, you really can't help having intense feelings for someone else once in a while. Were you ovulating/in the middle of your cycle? I swear I'm much hornier when I'm ovulating and fantasies/sex dreams just happen then sometimes (I also become temporarily insane and start to think about having another baby. I told H we were NEVER to make that decision while I'm ovulating. Biology takes over my brain!).


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I can understand not giving much credence to a moment of attraction. But if I read the OP's posts correctly, there were other interactions that built up to this intense feeling and her awareness of the attraction (it doesn't sound like just a fleeting moment). It was presented as a problem....one that would be a great opportunity for you and your husband to navigate so that there isn't a similar problem in the future for which you don't already have a plan.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Lon said:


> And of course there is this, as always. Your personal thoughts are yours alone... it's just that if you perceive this as a "problem" well that's what spouses are there to help you with.


True ...in a perfect world. But it very hard to help your spouse deal with something when you're busy fighting off your own blow to your self esteem. 

I could see sharing this struggle with my spouse and then I'd be dealing with my problem and trying to make her feel better, all because I had a temporary attraction to one of her coworker/friends. 

Sharing this with an even remotely insecure spouse will go over like a lead balloon.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

Hmmm...

I, not so long ago, was in the OP's husband's position (unaware of a struggle my spouse was having). I discovered this struggle on my own (not a good way to start out). 

Fortunately when I brought this to my husband, he was then honest with his struggle (and boy did it bring some of my insecurities to the surface). I had to navigate through a lot of emotional muddiness just from his lack of up front communication with me.

Once we got through that, we could clearly develop a plan of action together that gives me the reassurances I need and build us up as a couple versus it his problem unless he "screws up"....


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

AWorkInProgress said:


> Hmmm...
> 
> I, not so long ago, was in the OP's husband's position (unaware of a struggle my spouse was having). I discovered this struggle on my own (not a good way to start out).
> 
> ...


Yeah, I get that. I guess my attractions to other women were never a threat. No matter how intense it felt I never "really" struggled enough to need help navigating it.

If I began to act differently toward my wife I could see her be confused.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think this is natural. 

But I will agree with thise that you should never be alone with him. Ever. I am glad you did not have that spark the other day. Part of your excitement was that you were alone with him in his place. You were isolated and in theory could have acted on the impulse. That felt dangerous and exciting.

I will add about the fantasy thing. Fantasies about non existent composite people are one thing. But fantasies about real people are affirmations. In other words if someone fanatasizes about another real person they are building up the dopamine for that person. The excitement you had about this guy was building the more you thought about him. The dopamine for him was raised. So be careful with this.

If circumstances call for you to be alone like your husband asks you to go over there again, do not go. Just say like has been suggested you are uncomfortable going over single guys place a alone. If you husband presses just say you are uncomfortable with it and that you would feel weird being over another man's place alone. So just say no.


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> You dont think the guy noticed? What happen´s if he slowly
> start´s to make a move?


Truthfully, no, I don't think he noticed. And if he did, his behavior was (and always has been) above reproach. Quite frankly, he seems to regard me as "one of the guys" because I share a typically "male" hobby with him and my H. And that's fine by me.



dogman said:


> No need to cause insecurity in your husband and maybe mess up a friendship that he has with M.


Truthfully, I am leaning more toward this approach. Not because I'm not interested in transparency with my H. I am. But I've spent the past few days considering the effect this revelation might have on my H., and I can state with reasonable certainty that it would make him feel very insecure and probably damage his friendship with M. (something I'd rather not do because the two work together). 

That, and my H. has been feeling very frustrated and unattractive lately due to the fact that the extra years have put some extra padding on his midsection. Not that I ever found him unattractive! On the contrary, he gets better with age. But age has done more damage to his figure than mine, and a few scattered comments suggest he might be feeling a bit insecure about that, e.g. "J. from the office told me the other day, 'How did you ever trick _her_ into marrying you?'" etc. etc.

He's been hitting the gym and feeling good. I frequently tell (and show) him just _how_ good I think he looks. I really don't want to rain on his parade after all the hard work he's done over the past few months.



Lon said:


> And of course there is this, as always. Your personal thoughts are yours alone... it's just that if you perceive this as a "problem" well that's what spouses are there to help you with.


Per usual, I love your advice, Lon. And I think we can work toward this level of openness. He has been open with me about women he's felt drawn to, but none of these women were friends (and the admission always ended with, "but you're still the most beautiful to me"). 

Ergo, I would really like to talk to my H. about this spark of attraction, but I'm at a loss as to how I'd bring it up without damaging my H.'s relationship with a friend/ coworker and also without deflating his current self-esteem boost...


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP, Boundaries is what is going to keep you safe...Never be alone again or talk over the phone privately with this OM.

Your feelings are just human nature.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> I showed him a picture of his puppy from the weekend *that I'd taken*, we made a few jokes about the puppy's tendency to slobber over everything in sight,


You showed him a pic of his puppy that you have taken in your phone!
What were you thinking when you taking that pic? :scratchhead:


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

Just realize that at some point your H has probably been attracted to one of your friends. So if you do tell him, you better be prepared to hear him tell you about the friend of yours that he thinks is really hot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

A++ said:


> You showed him a pic of his puppy that you have taken in your phone!
> What were you thinking when you taking that pic? :scratchhead:


Oh dear. I didn't think it would be inappropriate. My H. and I _adore_ large dogs but can't have one right now. I took the picture to send to my H. when I was caring for the puppy on Saturday night (because he'd just taken a picture of himself with one of the cats on his lap and sent it to me).

Although I can see now where that might be untoward. There won't be any future pictures.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> I remembered a few occasions over the past year where I deliberately sought out M. during a party and wound up talking to him for extended periods of time. .


WARNING !!!........... this is exactly how EA/PA get started


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

btdt said:


> Just realize that at some point your H has probably been attracted to one of your friends. So if you do tell him, you better be prepared to hear him tell you about the friend of yours that he thinks is really hot.


Haha perhaps. I wouldn't be surprised. Heck, I'm attracted to some of my friends! They're smart, accomplished, beautiful women. I'd think him brain-dead if he _weren't_ somewhat attracted to at least one of them.

But I'm equally certain he still thinks I'm the best of the lot .


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I will add my voice to those that say tell your husband. One thing to consider is that you husband may notice you act differently when the friend is around and that you have sought him out at parties. So it quite possible that he will pick up on the vibe anyway if you decide to withhold the info from him. Considering that on the other side he disclosed to you feelings about women himself tells me that he would expect it you to let him know and he might consider your secret much worse. My wife knew I loved her friend before I told her and she was very worried and my disclosure helped. 

It may indeed change the friendship but even worse it may change the marriage for the worse if you don't. But it may not change the friendship at all. In my case it didn't. My wife and the OW are still friends in the same way as before I confessed that I had feelings for her friend. The knowledge hurt my wife but the way I let her know and the way she saw me act was consistent with my message that she was he one for me. One of the benefits for confessing is that it will be easier to limit contact if your husband is in the know. He will understand why you don't want do do certain things with him and his friend and won't take it personally. 

Knowing that my wife knows helps me keep things proper. I practice transparency with communication and other things so it really helped me fight the urge for contact when I started to limit it. It was like dieting with someone and they know what you are eating. For me that helps. 

You actually are in a better position than I was. I was completely in the fog and unfaithfully escalating contact because I was smitten. You won't have as much of the withdrawal to go through but each instance of contact will still have a thrill which will cause your behavior to change and desire more contact. So be sure to limit it as much as possible. 

You should also take the opportunity to learn about EAs. This is the main risk with opposite sex friends and it is what you are trying to avoid Likewise what happened to you could happen to your husband at some time so be prepared. If you prove yourself to your husband after revealing then it will lend you credibility if at some point you need to step in and limit your husbands relationship with someone. 

Good luck!


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> Haha perhaps. I wouldn't be surprised. Heck, I'm attracted to some of my friends! They're smart, accomplished, beautiful women. I'd think him brain-dead if he _weren't_ somewhat attracted to at least one of them.
> 
> But I'm equally certain he still thinks I'm the best of the lot .


He'd probably rather hear about you being attracted to your friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I've had crushes and so has my wife. We have found that tge best ways of diffusing the attraction is to talk about it openly with each other. Also we avoid the person we are attracted to.

Radical honesty works for us though.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dogman said:


> True ...in a perfect world. But *it very hard to help your spouse deal with something when you're busy fighting off your own blow to your self esteem*.
> 
> I could see sharing this struggle with my spouse and then I'd be dealing with my problem and trying to make her feel better, all because I had a temporary attraction to one of her coworker/friends.
> 
> Sharing this with an even remotely insecure spouse will go over like a lead balloon.


I guess this is just where I envision this scenario different than those like you - for me personally, and of course it would depend on her ultimate reason for telling me, if my W were to disclose such a personal and relevant detail such as a strong crush on one of my friends, I would take it as a deep show of her trust in me, the opposite of a blow to the ego.

Because the solution is just what mel123 pointed out right below my post, this is all about learning to set up boundaries together.

The conversation may be difficult to bring up the first time, but what it is accomplishing is setting up a boundary that if you feel attraction to someone which could potentially be a threat to the solidity of the marriage that you deal with it as a married couple. How you both negotiate the limits of that boundary is going to be the painstaking part but it is a very important conversation to have with each other, and which I think EVERY married couple should have whether they are facing this scenario right now or not yet.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I guess some people think that true love wins over all and can carry a marriage.

Supporting each other through this stuff is part of working at it. 

But then I start with a commitment of a lifelong healthy marriage. That means for better or worse till death do us part I HAVE to make it work.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> Truthfully, I am leaning more toward this approach. Not because I'm not interested in transparency with my H. I am. But I've spent the past few days considering the effect this revelation might have on my H., and I can state with reasonable certainty that it would make him feel very insecure and probably damage his friendship with M. (something I'd rather not do because the two work together).
> 
> That, and my H. has been feeling very frustrated and unattractive lately due to the fact that the extra years have put some extra padding on his midsection. Not that I ever found him unattractive! On the contrary, he gets better with age. But age has done more damage to his figure than mine, and a few scattered comments suggest he might be feeling a bit insecure about that, e.g. "J. from the office told me the other day, 'How did you ever trick _her_ into marrying you?'" etc. etc.
> 
> He's been hitting the gym and feeling good. I frequently tell (and show) him just _how_ good I think he looks. I really don't want to rain on his parade after all the hard work he's done over the past few months.


So if M isn't better looking and their hobbies/interests are the same it was probably your husbands insecurities and thinking he is unattractive that caused you to believe in that yourself.

I'd say show him even more how good you think he looks,that will make him more secure in himself.


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

meson said:


> I will add my voice to those that say tell your husband. One thing to consider is that you husband may notice you act differently when the friend is around and that you have sought him out at parties. So it quite possible that he will pick up on the vibe anyway if you decide to withhold the info from him. Considering that on the other side he disclosed to you feelings about women himself tells me that he would expect it you to let him know and he might consider your secret much worse.


This... is a very valid point. I've been doing my best to be as honest with myself as possible and really examine how I've acted around M. in our group outings. We do always seem to gather around the dining room table in the same seats, and I tend to sit across from M. (and next to my H.), and, by virtue of my location, yes, I look at him a bit more than the other members. But I don't tend to direct any off-topic questions/ comments his way, or, if I do, not any more or less than I would to the other two remaining members.

I hadn't thought of that before-- that his mentioning women with certain appeal means he's trying to encourage me to do the same. It makes sense, but such admissions have never included friends, or even acquaintances. A good example would be one of his comments from last week: "I was really drawn to this woman on the train today. She was wearing this red coat and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Have you thought of getting a red coat? You'd look fantastic." Haha he seems to like striking clothes and colors. I blame his mother-- she was a fashion designer/ costumer before she went into academics.



meson said:


> It may indeed change the friendship but even worse it may change the marriage for the worse if you don't. But it may not change the friendship at all. In my case it didn't. My wife and the OW are still friends in the same way as before I confessed that I had feelings for her friend. The knowledge hurt my wife but the way I let her know and the way she saw me act was consistent with my message that she was he one for me. One of the benefits for confessing is that it will be easier to limit contact if your husband is in the know. He will understand why you don't want do do certain things with him and his friend and won't take it personally.


They are? Kudos to your wife! Thank you so much for this experience. It's very encouraging and helping me to see my worries/ excuses for wanting to stay silent about the 'spark' may be, if not entirely unfounded, certainly not insurmountable.



meson said:


> You should also take the opportunity to learn about EAs. This is the main risk with opposite sex friends and it is what you are trying to avoid Likewise what happened to you could happen to your husband at some time so be prepared. If you prove yourself to your husband after revealing then it will lend you credibility if at some point you need to step in and limit your husbands relationship with someone.


Thank you for the advice! I will look up a bit more about EAs. I've also taken the liberty of reading some of the 'Coping with Infidelity' threads on this site, and _whew_. Talk about good motivation to keep the lines of communication open!



Wazza said:


> I guess some people think that true love wins over all and can carry a marriage.
> 
> Supporting each other through this stuff is part of working at it.
> 
> But then I start with a commitment of a lifelong healthy marriage. That means for better or worse till death do us part I HAVE to make it work.


I understand what you're saying, but, with all due respect, the path my H. and I have taken as a couple hasn't exactly been a jaunty stroll through Hundred Acre Wood. We've had a few scrapes and scratches-- more than some, less than others, and enough to know a partnership is more about doing the work than making googly eyes at one another. I'll readily admit 'love' makes it a heck of a lot easier to do aforementioned work, but were I to truly think 'twu wuv' is the solution to all our problems, I wouldn't be here.



NewM said:


> So if M isn't better looking and their hobbies/interests are the same it was probably your husbands insecurities and thinking he is unattractive that caused you to believe in that yourself.


Eh? I never thought my H. unattractive! Anything is possible (and it is a very reasonable suggestion), but I sincerely doubt my H.'s feelings precipitated my brief flare of attraction for M. That said, I will continue to encourage my H. and do my best to make him feel as appreciated as possible.

Once again, thank you everyone for your input. I'm now thinking it probably would be best to admit to my H. I had a surge of attraction to M. I trust my H., he trusts me, and I'm sure we can work through this together.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> This... is a very valid point. I've been doing my best to be as honest with myself as possible and really examine how I've acted around M. in our group outings. We do always seem to gather around the dining room table in the same seats, and I tend to sit across from M. (and next to my H.), and, by virtue of my location, yes, I look at him a bit more than the other members. But I don't tend to direct any off-topic questions/ comments his way, or, if I do, not any more or less than I would to the other two remaining members.
> 
> I hadn't thought of that before-- that his mentioning women with certain appeal means he's trying to encourage me to do the same. It makes sense, but such admissions have never included friends, or even acquaintances. A good example would be one of his comments from last week: "I was really drawn to this woman on the train today. She was wearing this red coat and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Have you thought of getting a red coat? You'd look fantastic." Haha he seems to like striking clothes and colors. I blame his mother-- she was a fashion designer/ costumer before she went into academics.
> 
> ...


If you are going to tell H, I would do it in the least threatening manner as possible. Perhaps you could say something like:

"I would never act out on this, but out of all of your friends I find M to be most attractive. And the reason I find him attractive is that he reminds me of you."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> Eh? I never thought my H. unattractive! Anything is possible (and it is a very reasonable suggestion), but I sincerely doubt my H.'s feelings precipitated my brief flare of attraction for M. That said, I will continue to encourage my H. and do my best to make him feel as appreciated as possible.


I didn't mean unattractive but maybe you found him less attractive then usual.

What I mean is if M. is almost the same as your husband,maybe your husband's lack of self-confidence was the difference and M. looked like confident version.There has to be something that drawn you to M.,that your husband doesn't/didn't have.Only upside in this is that they look and act the same so you can find difference that attracted you easier because of that.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Lon said:


> I guess this is just where I envision this scenario different than those like you - for me personally, and of course it would depend on her ultimate reason for telling me, if my W were to disclose such a personal and relevant detail such as a strong crush on one of my friends, I would take it as a deep show of her trust in me, the opposite of a blow to the ego.
> 
> Because the solution is just what mel123 pointed out right below my post, this is all about learning to set up boundaries together.
> 
> The conversation may be difficult to bring up the first time, but what it is accomplishing is setting up a boundary that if you feel attraction to someone which could potentially be a threat to the solidity of the marriage that you deal with it as a married couple. How you both negotiate the limits of that boundary is going to be the painstaking part but it is a very important conversation to have with each other, and which I think EVERY married couple should have whether they are facing this scenario right now or not yet.


Ugh! I guess my marriage isn't there yet....or maybe my ego isn't there yet. I hope my wife keeps this stuff to herself. 
I don't need to doubt her thought life.


On second thought....if I married one of my past GFs I guess it wouldn't bother me. They had feelings that came and went like this. But my wife saying this would be serious because of her personality. It would be a crisis if she said this because it would undo a lot of what I know of her.(hard to explain)


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

:iagree:


btdt said:


> If you are going to tell H, I would do it in the least threatening manner as possible. Perhaps you could say something like:
> 
> "I would never act out on this, but out of all of your friends I find M to be most attractive. And the reason I find him attractive is that he reminds me of you."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Why attempt raw honesty by lying or trickle truth. The whole point of saying something is to get some support to deal with it, not because the rule is you have to share any feeling like this. The point also is because the feeling was sooooo intense, in fact only the second time in life she felt it. This is huge, and if you start this conversation you have to be brutally honest or its a lie. And if your honest, it takes a better man than me to no be hurt by it.

Your thought life is your own, it's ok to keep it to yourself. As long as its only though life. I share my entire life, every moment and plan with my wife, I'm allowed to keep thoughts to myself. I'm not brutally honest when she says "do I look fat?" Or "is she prettier than me?" And so on. 
Brutal honesty is a slippery slope.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> For the record, I could only HOPE that my next significant other would trust me enough to realize I would feel the exact opposite of hurt jealous and insecure if she shared her deepest thoughts (including attraction to other men in proximity). It would not only keep me on top of my game, but it would prevent me from unwittingly putting her in situations where she would feel vulnerable to her own lustful desires.


There is no doubt that my wife was completely devastated when I told her. She burst into tears immediately. I might as well have slapped her. Most people would be hurt and jealous, including me. 

The question is is there enough mutual respect to work past the hurt and pain. From what the OP said, I think there is. If they can communicate they can get past it and prevent it from getting worse.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sandc said:


> I've had crushes and so has my wife. We have found that tge best ways of diffusing the attraction is to talk about it openly with each other. Also we avoid the person we are attracted to.
> 
> Radical honesty works for us though.


Whenever in doubt talk about it. Read sandc's thread a perfect example of communication.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

dogman said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> Why attempt raw honesty by lying or trickle truth. The whole point of saying something is to get some support to deal with it, not because the rule is you have to share any feeling like this. The point also is because the feeling was sooooo intense, in fact only the second time in life she felt it. This is huge, and if you start this conversation you have to be brutally honest or its a lie. And if your honest, it takes a better man than me to no be hurt by it.
> ...


Well, maybe she should be a little more direct. But she should try to make this as non-threatening as possible. She probably should:

Admit the attraction.
Reassure him that she does not intend to act on it
Reassure him that M has not reciprocated in any way
Let him know that part of the attraction for M is that he reminds her of him
Let him know of any personal boundaries she is establishing (e.g. not going to his place alone).

I think all of the above statements are true, and she is handling it in a less threatening manner that will not jeopardize the friendship between H and M.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

htheotheralex said:


> They are? Kudos to your wife! Thank you so much for this experience. It's very encouraging and helping me to see my worries/ excuses for wanting to stay silent about the 'spark' may be, if not entirely unfounded, certainly not insurmountable.
> 
> Thank you for the advice! I will look up a bit more about EAs. I've also taken the liberty of reading some of the 'Coping with Infidelity' threads on this site, and _whew_. Talk about good motivation to keep the lines of communication open!


I think my wife trusted her friend and really saw that she was doing nothing to encourage my feelings. In fact her friend would talk about things we talked about to her. 

I will be honest, it took me months after I admitted to myself that I indeed had feelings for the OW to be able to bring it up with my wife. I was scared and went through a lot of the same thoughts you have. But what i did do is become proactively transparent, developed boundaries and kept my contact limited. So even when I told her she had seen that I was going no further and had backed off quite a bit. I emphasizes that my commitment was to her and my actions backed me up. I think these things working together enabled her to trust me. Including the fact that she knows I'm not a player ever and never will be.

One thing you might be careful about is that M should never know about your feelings from you or your husband. If M were to find out it would change everything for the worse. Nothing creates attraction like attraction itself.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

btdt said:


> Well, maybe she should be a little more direct. But she should try to make this as non-threatening as possible. She probably should:
> 
> Admit the attraction.
> Reassure him that she does not intend to act on it
> ...


I led with my commitment to my wife. I told her what she ment to me and that I loved her more than anyone. But something unexpected happened and I developed feelings... I didn't know the feelings for two were possible...I need your help to work with it...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

meson said:


> There is no doubt that my wife was completely devastated when I told her. She burst into tears immediately. I might as well have slapped her. Most people would be hurt and jealous, including me.
> 
> The question is is there enough mutual respect to work past the hurt and pain. From what the OP said, I think there is. If they can communicate they can get past it and prevent it from getting worse.


Yeah, but the circumstances here are VASTLY different than yours, htheo has not acted inappropriately, she has not betrayed anyone.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

meson said:


> I led with my commitment to my wife. I told her what she ment to mean and that I loved her more than anyone. But something unexpected happened and I developed feelings... I didn't know the feelings for two were possible...I need your help to work with it...


I guess I just haven't met a woman yet that is worth hurting my wife for. 
If I say I would walk through fire for my wife the least I can do is navigate some superficial attraction for someone I have no commitment to or responsibility to. And if its so bad I am struggling with it I will tell a trusted friend that supports my marriage and he will kick my a$$ into line in a hurry.

I view this protection of her feelings the same way I might block a football from hitting her when she's not looking. Unneeded hurt for her I will always absorb.

But I get what your all after, complete honesty. Most people can't handle it, even if the like the theory.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> Yeah, but the circumstances here are VASTLY different than yours, htheo has not acted inappropriately, she has not betrayed anyone.


It's more similar than you think. The major thing that I did was unfaithfully invest in a friendship to a degree above any friend I had except my wife. Effectively I had a sone sided EA and this is certainly not what htheo is doing. My situation was worse but not vastly different. At no time did I do anything with or for the OW that I couldn't have done in front of my wife. I was in a fog but I don't think htheo is.

However for the point of disclosure feelings are feelings to a spouse and the degree of friendship interaction comes second.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

meson said:


> It's more similar than you think. The major thing that I did was unfaithfully invest in a friendship to a degree above any friend I had except my wife. Effectively I had a sone sided EA and this is certainly not what htheo is doing. My situation was worse but not vastly different. At no time did I do anything with or for the OW that I couldn't have done in front of my wife. I was in a fog but I don't think htheo is.
> 
> However for the point of disclosure feelings are feelings to a spouse and the degree of friendship interaction comes second.


Yes but you invested in that relationship outside your marriage, and htheo has not yet. She hasn't crossed a very critical threshold that if she does will be a blow to the marriage - this is why I've felt it this is such a big deal, and why her H will easily be able to cope with her revealing an attraction to him. The reason your W was so devastated was because you were already over the threshold.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> I guess I just haven't met a woman yet that is worth hurting my wife for.
> If I say I would walk through fire for my wife the least I can do is navigate some superficial attraction for someone I have no commitment to or responsibility to. And if its so bad I am struggling with it I will tell a trusted friend that supports my marriage and he will kick my a$$ into line in a hurry.
> 
> I view this protection of her feelings the same way I might block a football from hitting her when she's not looking. Unneeded hurt for her I will always absorb.
> ...


Dogman, tried to PM you but it was REJECTED!! Said you werent accepting private PM's or couldnt. Im sure you didnt mean to block me?! LOL


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## Kelly21 (Feb 27, 2013)

It is a normal feeling I believe, especially in the first 10 years of marriage, I have been married almost 22 years. Just think about what a good friend M can be to you. I personally think you should not mention this to your husband, maybe in five years!  No need to make him feel insecure in your relationship.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

dogman said:


> I guess I just haven't met a woman yet that is worth hurting my wife for.
> If I say I would walk through fire for my wife the least I can do is navigate some superficial attraction for someone I have no commitment to or responsibility to. And if its so bad I am struggling with it I will tell a trusted friend that supports my marriage and he will kick my a$$ into line in a hurry.
> 
> I view this protection of her feelings the same way I might block a football from hitting her when she's not looking. Unneeded hurt for her I will always absorb.
> ...


I agree radical honesty is not what I am advocating. If M had been some random guy she would never meet again or could remove from her life, then sure telling is not as important.

But I get what htheo is going through. She doesn't want to ruin her husband friendship. In addition that friendship will constantly expose her to M. With each exposure the attraction can become stronger. 

Consider what may happen is she doesnt reveal. Right now it seems like their marriage is strong. But over time that changes for many marriages. Suppose she keeps it a secret and maintains a friendship with M because he is her husbands friend but otherwise keeps her distance being the good wife. Years go by and her marriage is at a low point for whatever reason and she is at a New Years party where M happens to be at as well. The husband just wasnt in the mood for tha party so he stays home. Midnight comes around and since she and M are near they kiss ( a friendly kiss) but each experiences sparks. The door to the road of an EA has just been opened. 

Now if the husband had known he might have sucked it up and gone to the party or requeested that she stay home. His knowledge can help to protect the marriage later on. 

The example I outlined is similar to one of the EA stories I read about so it is not fully conjectural.


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

btdt said:


> Admit the attraction.
> Reassure him that she does not intend to act on it
> Reassure him that M has not reciprocated in any way
> Let him know that part of the attraction for M is that he reminds her of him
> Let him know of any personal boundaries she is establishing (e.g. not going to his place alone).


I like this approach a lot. Thank you!



meson said:


> I led with my commitment to my wife. I told her what she ment to me and that I loved her more than anyone. But something unexpected happened and I developed feelings... I didn't know the feelings for two were possible...I need your help to work with it...


Again, thank you so much for telling me what your experience was, and it sounds like you approached the situation with grace. At this point, I don't feel anything for M. beyond friendliness and a low level of 'I appreciate that this person is good-looking, but feel my spouse is better,' so I don't think I would add that bit in. But I think asking him for help would be wise-- he responds well to pro-active approaches (and seems to feel good when he gets to put the 'Mr. Fix-It' hat on).



dogman said:


> I guess I just haven't met a woman yet that is worth hurting my wife for.
> If I say I would walk through fire for my wife the least I can do is navigate some superficial attraction for someone I have no commitment to or responsibility to. And if its so bad I am struggling with it I will tell a trusted friend that supports my marriage and he will kick my a$$ into line in a hurry.


This is equally good advice, and I admire your conviction. I guess reading through other posts has convinced me that it's good to have a bit of extra protection in case that 'sparky' feeling returns, and my H. has _always_ stressed how important he feels communication/ honesty to be. He's a great guy, and I need to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Right now, my concern is that, when I tell my H. about this little flare-up, it will make my H. feel less special or unique. The two of us have always been a little proud (perhaps over-proud) of our unique chemistry. I think it gives him a little boost to know I've never been so electrified by another person (and I've been in relationships with both men and women), and why wouldn't it? I get a litte boost from that knowledge, too. I'd like for him to realize that he _continually_ electrifies me-- I'm constantly falling in love with him all over again. Yes, that intense attraction to M. startled me (a lot), but next to how I feel about my H.... well, that's like comparing a kiddie pool (the _really_ small kind) to the Pacific Ocean.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

General question for those saying to keep it to herself....


At what point WOULD you have recommended she say something?

The next time she finds herself with that attraction feeling in the presence of M?

Perhaps M does pick up on an attraction vibe and unintentionally causes an increase her attraction for him?

Or perhaps her husband questions the changes she's decided to make in avoiding one-on-one contact...

It can be a slippery slope


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Dogman, tried to PM you but it was REJECTED!! Said you werent accepting private PM's or couldnt. Im sure you didnt mean to block me?! LOL



Haha! No, I'll fix it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> At what point WOULD you have recommended she say something?


When & if something actually happened that was crossing a boundary.
If no boundaries are ever crossed then no problems.
If she's serious that she won't engage in inappropriate behaviour then no boundary will ever be crossed by her.



> The next time she finds herself with that attraction feeling in the presence of M?


Get on with life.
I seem to have nop problem working or playing with people I'm attracted to without crossing boundaries.
Is she so helpless when close to the "overpowering sexual attraction" this man possesses that she needs someone to help her get through it or...is she a grown up?



> Perhaps M does pick up on an attraction vibe and unintentionally causes an increase her attraction for him?


See above.



> Or perhaps her husband questions the changes she's decided to make in avoiding one-on-one contact...


Why avoid contact if there re no boundaries being crossed?
Is she truly too weak to keep from melting all over this guys couch?



> It can be a slippery slope


Only if she's too weak to hold to her boundaries and if that's the case she's already on a steeper slope than this guy could ever put her on.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

The OP did come here for help, so in this case, yes, I guess she felt this situation warranted some help for her...

It sounded to me like her boundaries were not very strong to begin with, that was why she was here.

I'm just surprised that there was so much advice to not allow her husband to be the one to help her.. Instead, just keep it from him (protect his ego)...

It's amazing the amount of advice there is about avoiding communication with one's spouse.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

AWorkInProgress said:


> The OP did come here for help, so in this case, yes, I guess she felt this situation warranted some help for her...
> 
> It sounded to me like her boundaries were not very strong to begin with, that was why she was here.
> 
> ...


Yes my advice is that this is unnecessary communication for my marriage, 
but, go ahead, communicate, I just would rather my wife control herself and I don't need to know about it.
To each his own. 

But let me say this, if, for the OP, it's like comparing a pond to the Pacific Ocean, why tell him. It's not a big deal. 
And if my wife actually has trouble controlling herself around someone else...I'll help her pack. JMO


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

htheotheralex said:


> This... is a very valid point. I've been doing my best to be as honest with myself as possible and really examine how I've acted around M. in our group outings. We do always seem to gather around the dining room table in the same seats, and I tend to sit across from M. (and next to my H.), and, by virtue of my location, yes, I look at him a bit more than the other members. But I don't tend to direct any off-topic questions/ comments his way, or, if I do, not any more or less than I would to the other two remaining members.
> 
> I hadn't thought of that before-- that his mentioning women with certain appeal means he's trying to encourage me to do the same. It makes sense, but such admissions have never included friends, or even acquaintances. A good example would *be one of his comments from last week: "I was really drawn to this woman on the train today. She was wearing this red coat and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Have you thought of getting a red coat? You'd look fantastic*." Haha he seems to like striking clothes and colors. I blame his mother-- she was a fashion designer/ costumer before she went into academics.


OP, Are you having us on? Do you really not realize that he was hitting on you?? He mentioned being drawn to a woman in a red coat then saying you should get one. Really? 

You say the admissions never included friends. He 'mentioned' you being in a red coat in connection with this attraction. What else do you need?

Do you have any other examples like this?


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

jfv said:


> OP, Are you having us on? Do you really not realize that he was hitting on you?? He mentioned being drawn to a woman in a red coat then saying you should get one. Really?
> 
> Do you have any other examples like this?


It was her husband who said this not M.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

dogman said:


> It was her husband who said this not M.


Yikes! Thanks dogman. I see you guys have it under control.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

never mind. 

Misconception corrected above. Whew.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm sure it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things...it's more a curiosity with me to ask...

Why is this your first posting and you've been a member here since June 2012?

Is there more to this?


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## htheotheralex (Jun 22, 2012)

Look, guys. I'm grateful for the advice. Really, I am. And yes, I am aware this "incident" (if you can even call it that) is pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things. But I'd rather talk about it here than say something to a friend, and then have said friend make some stupid comment and... you get the picture. 

I'm not concerned about whether or not I can keep it in my pants. Obviously I can. This has much more to do with the level of honesty I want to have with my H. about people we _both_ feel a sort of 'special' attraction to. If his response is to tell me that he's felt that same feeling for one of my close friends, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.



SomedayDig said:


> I'm sure it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things...it's more a curiosity with me to ask...
> 
> Why is this your first posting and you've been a member here since June 2012?
> 
> Is there more to this?


Nothing related to me or my H. I found this forum through the "Relationships and Addiction" section after doing a 'discussion' search on Google-- I'd just discovered someone close to me had been struggling with alcoholism for some time without my knowledge, and I turned to discussion boards to learn more. Eventually it turned into reading other threads as well, and I never really felt the desire to post until now.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dogman said:


> Yes my advice is that this is unnecessary communication for my marriage,
> but, go ahead, communicate, I just would rather my wife control herself and I don't need to know about it.
> To each his own.
> 
> ...


My H's bff is married to a woman that I have become very good friends with in the past few years. They are now in the process of D which really sucks because we used to do a lot together as couples. 

My H has mentioned several times that the W is hot and that he knows why his BFF puts up with her crap, its easier to put up with a hot wifes crap then one that isnt, I guess? LOL This didnt bother me in the beginning because I knew my friend and I knew that she wouldnt give him the time of day. I got to a point where it did start to bother me but would try not to focus on it. Now she is taking my H's bff through the wringer so her hot meter has dropped..lol

There have been times when I thought H's bff was attractive but because I know him and all his little "issues" it only lasts a minute or two. HA! I have never told my H that while we were separated his BFF was calling me ALL THE TIME and even sat on my front porch and told me that he could "see himself with me in a parallel universe". 

That being said, I think that some things are better left unsaid!!


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