# I don't want my mother in law at my baby shower



## maddi

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and through those years my mother in law and I have not gotten along. Well, she doesn't get along with me at least. She didnt like me when we were dating and my mom didnt like my husband either. We eloped on december 12th 2013 with only my brother and sister in law as witnesses. My mom took a great liking to my husband when she found out we were married. She even apologized to me for her words and actions, admitting that she just wanted the best for me and she sees now that he is a very good man. His mother, not so much. She lived with him, not being able to afford a place on her own. So, naturally, she saw me as a threat. 

I was moving in whether she liked me or not. My husband firmly explained the situation and told her that if she had any issues with me she could politely leave. She didnt of course. She would try to get along with me but eventually she would get annoyed by my way of doing things and throw a tantrum. These tantrums ranged from calling me a slob, accusing me of stealing her things and going in her room, having a fit because I put a utensil or pot in the wrong place, getting angry when i would make coffee in "her" coffee pot, actively being loud and gossiping about me on the phone, and last but not least, accusing me of being a bad wife because I wasn't cooking and cleaning for my husband like i should (something my husband asked me NOT to go out of my way for). I did basic things like dishes and cleaning the bathroom but doing husbands laundry and cooking was not something I did regularly. My husband dealt with these tantrums one at a time and after many threats to her living situation and us almost moving in with my mom, things have quieted down some. Now she only ignores me when she's angry, which is fine with me as long as she keeps to herself. She wouldn't DARE say a thing about me to my husband, thats for sure, not after everything he has threatened. Naturally, I confided in my mom through it all, we are very close so she knows everything mother in law had done and said. probably a mistake on my part. They have never met and, of course, my mom does NOT like her or have any interest in meeting her. Mother in law doesn't know this. 

Fast forword to present day. I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and my husband and I are super excited despite the fact that she was a surprise. Mother in law is happy too believe it or not, she's been wanting a grandchild for years and her harsh view on me has softened. She definitely is more tolerant of me now than before. I have told my mom about mother in laws change in attitude but my mom still hates her. She's convinced that mother in laws presents in our house will be bad for the baby since she smokes and will probably try to raise my child her way, but I have chosen to cross that bridge when we come to it and just enjoy the peace for now. 

Now, finally, on to my problem. My mom is organizing a baby shower with my step mom (my mom and dad are divorced), my grandma and my brothers wife. My mom has told me that she is willing to invite mother in law if I want. My husband thinks his mother should go, that it will be good for the grandmothers to meet. I think it will be a disaster. Mother in law, by nature, isn't exactly an enjoyable person to be around. She is negative and pessimistic about most things and is also highly opinionated. When someone doesn't share her opinion, she finds reasons to dislike that person and becomes passive aggressive and rude. Hence why she has been so difficult with me in the past. 

My mother can be a joy and has many friends who enjoy her, unlike my mother in law. But like my mother in law, once she decides she doesn't like a person, she can become quite rude herself. I don't know if my mom could control herself if mother in law says something she rude or passive aggressive about me or the shower, which she very well might. And I don't trust that mother in law WON'T say anything offensive or insulting. Not only that, but if mother in law feels ignored or insulted by my mom's lack of interest in their meeting, she might take it out on me after the shower is over and the peace i've been enjoying will be ruined. My biggest fear is that she and my mom will have a confrontation AT my shower in front of everyone and I will be caught in the middle. 

My mom thinks that the invite to my baby shower is just a courtesy to mother in law and doesn't expect her to be there. Little does she know, mother in law WANTS to go and has even discussed with me about the date so she can ask her work for the day off. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to meet and especially not at my baby shower. It's not like I can lie to mother in law and say i'm not having one, then she will wonder where all the gifts came from. 

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to make sure everyone knew the full story behind my fears. What would you do in my situation? Telling mother in law she isn't invited would totally ruin her new cool attitude towards me. But inviting her opens a new can of worms that I am not ready for. What should I do?


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I think you're worrying yourself about something that may not even become an issue. You should, of course, invite your mother in law. Their problems with each other shouldn't be YOUR problem. 

Maybe just say to your mom, "I'm a little nervous about you meeting my MIL at the shower. I know you have some ill feelings towards her but I would like this day to be as pleasant as possible." 

BTW, how in the heck haven't they met already!?


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## maddi

We eloped. Having our mothers meet was kind of the last thing on our minds since neither his mother or mine had any say in our marriage. And soon after I moved in, I started telling my mom about everything my mother in law was doing and my mom sort of lost all interest in meeting her so I never bothered to worry about arranging a meeting.


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## jb02157

First of all before anything else happens you need to have your own place separate from either your mom or MIL


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## maddi

jb02157 said:


> First of all before anything else happens you need to have your own place separate from either your mom or MIL


That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.


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## FeministInPink

The should meet before the invitations go out. If they get along, then it's probably safe to invite your MIL. If they don't get along, it will be obvious to the MIL why she's not invited. If your mom is throwing the shower, it's her decision who to invite and who to leave out.

I agree with @jb02157--you need to reconsider the living arrangements in this situation, and find another solution regarding where his mother will live. You and your husband need some privacy and some boundaries. You don't need her up in your business all the time, and it will get worse after the baby. Not to mention that having her live with you means your kid is going to be around her every day, and may well pick up a lot of her negative personality traits. You deserve to be free to raise your child the way you want without constant criticism from your MIL, and you won't be able to do that while she is living with you.


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## FeministInPink

maddi said:


> That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.


She's an adult. Why is she incapable of caring for and supporting herself? Does she have any other children she can live with? Any empty-nester siblings who have newly available space?


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## maddi

FeministInPink said:


> She's an adult. Why is she incapable of caring for and supporting herself? Does she have any other children she can live with? Any empty-nester siblings who have newly available space?


No. My husband has a sister but she would never agree to have her mother live with her as they have problems of their own. She does have a boyfriend that has his own place and we have asked her to move in with him before, but she says that they have issues in their relationship that make her feel uncomfortable making the decision to live with him. She told us once that that she might move in with him in a few years if their relationship progresses but I highly doubt she has any plans of moving now. Either way, we can't afford to pay for separate living arrangements for her and we can't force her out since we are renting and her name is on the lease.


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## Yeswecan

Do not take the issue of your MIL and mother not liking each other. It is not your problem. You can only do so much for grown adults. This includes how your MIL will act at the shower. It is not your problem and don't let it ruin your day. 

Gosh, family can such a pain in the azz sometimes. I have had my fair share. Some of it very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could go back and say screw it not worry about it like I did. 

If you are stuck with your MIL you should insist and with clarity that smoking in the home after the child is born is not welcomed for any reason. Go outside and smoke or consider quiting. 

Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.


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## maddi

Yeswecan said:


> Do not take the issue of your MIL and mother not liking each other. It is not your problem. You can only do so much for grown adults. This includes how your MIL will act at the shower. It is not your problem and don't let it ruin your day.
> 
> Gosh, family can such a pain in the azz sometimes. I have had my fair share. Some of it very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could go back and say screw it not worry about it like I did.
> 
> If you are stuck with your MIL you should insist and with clarity that smoking in the home after the child is born is not welcomed for any reason. Go outside and smoke or consider quiting.
> 
> Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.


I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.


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## jb02157

Yeswecan said:


> Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.


Again, if you ignore the situation of your MIL living with you it's really going to be a problem. You you start demanding that she stops smoking that that she saves the money toward finding her own place. This situation may cost your marriage if you don't deal with it. My in-laws (among other things) killed my marriage to.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

maddi said:


> She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.


And that's why she'll be living with you for the rest of her life. And when she gets sick, guess who is going to be taking care of her? 

I second the smoking issue. She shouldn't be smoking around you now or when the baby comes. It's all done outside regardless of weather and regardless of whether anyone is home or not. 

(BTW-Congrats on your soon to arrive baby!)


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## Yeswecan

maddi said:


> I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.



Dont' guess maddi, own it. Do not accept responsibility of your MIL and moms actions or inactions. It will only drive you batty. Do not attempt to keep them happy. That is their problem. The only person you need to concentrate on is hour H. At the end of the day your H is the one that you go to bed with and wake up to. Same goes for your H. You two support each other and the rest don't amount to a hill of beans. You know why....one day parents move on. This I know. The smoke clears and the only person standing there is your spouse. I can tell you, love your family members. That is all. No were is it written you have LIKE your family members. I have not talked two of my siblings in years. We just don't get along. I love'em. Don't like'em. 

Concerning the smoking....some get of age were they just don't give a rats azz about their smoking and health. Unfortunately it affects those that do care about their health. 

Get the book titled, "Stop Smoking the Easy Way." Carr. Great book. My W and I stopped smoke with this book. We have been smoke free for over 5 years. If you MIL refuses to read it read out loud the chapter on what smoking does to your body. She will quit. My W did after reading that chapter. If that does not work just whack her on the head with it for being stupid.


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## FeministInPink

Yeswecan said:


> Do not take the issue of your MIL and mother not liking each other. It is not your problem. You can only do so much for grown adults. This includes how your MIL will act at the shower. It is not your problem and don't let it ruin your day.
> 
> Gosh, family can such a pain in the azz sometimes. I have had my fair share. Some of it very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could go back and say screw it not worry about it like I did.
> 
> *If you are stuck with your MIL you should insist and with clarity that smoking in the home after the child is born is not welcomed for any reason. Go outside and smoke or consider quiting.
> 
> Also, smokes are not cheap. If she is making $11.00 and smoking a carton a week that adds up to about $400.00/month on this nasty habit. I'm guessing that extra money could help in find her own place.*


SERIOUSLY!!! For the amount of money she spends on smokes, she would have enough money for rent if she quit.


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## maddi

jb02157 said:


> Again, if you ignore the situation of your MIL living with you it's really going to be a problem. You you start demanding that she stops smoking that that she saves the money toward finding her own place. This situation may cost your marriage if you don't deal with it. My in-laws (among other things) killed my marriage to.


I don't think you understand, we can't DEMAND anything out of this woman. She's been smoking for 40 years and she's not quitting even if she agrees to. She will buy cigarettes behind our backs so its useless to even bring up to her. And asking her to save to find her own place is a whole nother can of worms. My husband has asked her to do that before, she reluctantly agreed and then conveniently got "laid off" from her job a week later. I would rather have her be working than not because at least then she will have to leave the house, which she doesnt do when she isn't working. She also gets even crazier when she has nothing to do. She's an adult and we can't force her to do anything she doesn't want. And my husband won't make steps to kick her out or leave her with nothing just because she might cause issues, she actually has to do something offending for him to take action. All we can do is wait and work towards more money so we could eventually have a space of our own.


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## Openminded

In-laws tend to meet once their children are married -- especially when they live in the same area. Your mother and his mother are long overdue to meet at this point. Before the shower would be better (maybe a special dinner or something). As to her attendance at the shower, it's probably better not to exclude her. They're both adults and if they can't act in an appropriate manner for a couple of hours then that's on them. But not to invite her when you're living together could create a very uncomfortable situation that you don't need.


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## Diana7

Is there any reason why she lives with you? Its rarely a good idea for a married couple to live with parents.


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## Diana7

jb02157 said:


> First of all before anything else happens you need to have your own place separate from either your mom or MIL


 Exactly.Your husband needs to finally cut the apron strings. Have you thought about moving away somewhere so that you can be alone? Thats what I would do. 
I would never marry a guy who still lived with his mum.


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## UnicornCupcake

I had a Monster-in-Law as well.

My advice? Put your foot down.

I uninvited mine from wedding dress shopping in the cruelest way possible: I waited until she told everyone (she was bragging because she was "paying' for it, but that's only because she had store credit... She didn't help out in any other way), got ready, and didn't show up to pick her. I did this all to make a point. I embarrassed the **** out of her on purpose. I knew if I told her I didn't want her there (like an adult) no one on the outside would know to the severity as to why I didn't want her there. She couldn't save her face and for me to go to such lengths to not involve her clearly suggests she's not as innocent as she let people believe. She's also very non confrontational and passive aggressive in her treatment so I decided to beat her at her own game.

It worked like a charm. She never asked me about it (proof she's very non confrontational), but my point was made and she learned to mind her ****ing self in my presence. 

Also, it's time for her to move out.


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## frusdil

I too have a monster in law. There is NO WAY IN HE!L that she would EVER EVER live (or even visit lol) us in our home. No freakin' way.

There is no real reason why she cant move out. I read your excuses, but that's all they really are. She can get her own apartment, if she earns as little as you say, she'd qualify for low cost housing, and can stop smoking - necessity is the mother of invention. 

While I wouldn't invite my MIL to my baby shower (she hates my guts and we don't speak), if you are getting along relatively well with yours, it wouldn't be a good idea to exclude her. You can speak to your mum and say that you think for family peace, it would be a good idea to invite her and for your mum to please hold her tongue if MIL acts out.

IF MIL acts out, that is on her and her alone. You are not responsible for her behaviour.


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## EleGirl

maddi said:


> That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.


Would your mother in law qualify for any kind of public assistance?


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## EleGirl

maddi said:


> I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.


Now that you are pregnant, she should not be smoking in the house. Smoking hurts the fetus just as much as it can hurt a child after birth.

You might want to look at helping your MIL to quit smoking all together. There are all kinds of free programs in a lot of places for this. They tend to give out free patches and/or gum. Another way to go are ecigs to help her quit. Ecigs are must less expensive over all than cigarettes. But she would still have to smoke it outside.

Are there any places near you that have efficiency apartments. IF she quits smoking she might be able to afford one. She might feel better in her own place, even if it's tiny.

When I married my ex, his mother and mine hated each other. I had the same worry about having both of them at our wedding as it was a small wedding and dinner in our home. So I was very concerned. My final resolution was to not worry about them. We both just told our mothers that if they could not behave themselves, it was easy to call a taxi to take them home. 

The two mothers got the hit and behaved graciously towards each other all evening. Put the responsibility on them to behave.

Plus, you need to take some responsibility for poisoning your mother against your MIL. While it might have been good to have your mother's shoulder to lean on, you have made it next to impossible for the two women to develop a relationship on their own terms. So now you might want to consider helping to smooth this over.


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## WorkingWife

maddi said:


> I don't think you understand, we can't DEMAND anything out of this woman. She's been smoking for 40 years and she's not quitting even if she agrees to. She will buy cigarettes behind our backs so its useless to even bring up to her. And asking her to save to find her own place is a whole nother can of worms. My husband has asked her to do that before, she reluctantly agreed and then conveniently got "laid off" from her job a week later. I would rather have her be working than not because at least then she will have to leave the house, which she doesnt do when she isn't working. She also gets even crazier when she has nothing to do. She's an adult and we can't force her to do anything she doesn't want. And my husband won't make steps to kick her out or leave her with nothing just because she might cause issues, she actually has to do something offending for him to take action. All we can do is wait and work towards more money so we could eventually have a space of our own.


I understand the woman is not going to stop smoking, but she should be able to do it outside. I know plenty of smokers who don't smoke inside the house (or car). OK, not plenty as no one I know smokes anymore! But I have known plenty. She cannot be smoking inside when you have a baby! And I don't just mean smoking near the baby. If she has a job, surely she goes outside there to smoke. She can do the same at home.

I had a week long corporate training gig once where the "training room" was the room that used to be the smoking room before smoking indoors was banned. OH. MY. GOD. I had to take antihistamines (which I HATE) just to be in that room. My nose was red and running and congested, throat raw and hoarse, eyes burning... Those smoke particles stick around and IRRITATE. You don't want that for your newborn baby!


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## jb02157

UnicornCupcake said:


> I had a Monster-in-Law as well.
> 
> My advice? Put your foot down.
> 
> I uninvited mine from wedding dress shopping in the cruelest way possible: I waited until she told everyone (she was bragging because she was "paying' for it, but that's only because she had store credit... She didn't help out in any other way), got ready, and didn't show up to pick her. I did this all to make a point. I embarrassed the **** out of her on purpose. I knew if I told her I didn't want her there (like an adult) no one on the outside would know to the severity as to why I didn't want her there. She couldn't save her face and for me to go to such lengths to not involve her clearly suggests she's not as innocent as she let people believe. She's also very non confrontational and passive aggressive in her treatment so I decided to beat her at her own game.
> 
> It worked like a charm. She never asked me about it (proof she's very non confrontational), but my point was made and she learned to mind her ****ing self in my presence.
> 
> Also, it's time for her to move out.


That's great!! I only wish I did something like that to my in-laws to put them in their place.


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## Blondilocks

Think of the shower as a 'gift'. Your MIL may very well act out which will give you more ammo against her with your husband. She will come in handy caring for a new-born. 

It's possible your MIL could afford a place of her own with a roommate or two. She must have coworkers who are in the same predicament.


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## Saibasu

maddi said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years and through those years my mother in law and I have not gotten along. Well, she doesn't get along with me at least. She didnt like me when we were dating and my mom didnt like my husband either. We eloped on december 12th 2013 with only my brother and sister in law as witnesses. My mom took a great liking to my husband when she found out we were married. She even apologized to me for her words and actions, admitting that she just wanted the best for me and she sees now that he is a very good man. His mother, not so much. She lived with him, not being able to afford a place on her own. So, naturally, she saw me as a threat.
> 
> I was moving in whether she liked me or not. My husband firmly explained the situation and told her that if she had any issues with me she could politely leave. She didnt of course. She would try to get along with me but eventually she would get annoyed by my way of doing things and throw a tantrum. These tantrums ranged from calling me a slob, accusing me of stealing her things and going in her room, having a fit because I put a utensil or pot in the wrong place, getting angry when i would make coffee in "her" coffee pot, actively being loud and gossiping about me on the phone, and last but not least, accusing me of being a bad wife because I wasn't cooking and cleaning for my husband like i should (something my husband asked me NOT to go out of my way for). I did basic things like dishes and cleaning the bathroom but doing husbands laundry and cooking was not something I did regularly. My husband dealt with these tantrums one at a time and after many threats to her living situation and us almost moving in with my mom, things have quieted down some. Now she only ignores me when she's angry, which is fine with me as long as she keeps to herself. She wouldn't DARE say a thing about me to my husband, thats for sure, not after everything he has threatened. Naturally, I confided in my mom through it all, we are very close so she knows everything mother in law had done and said. probably a mistake on my part. They have never met and, of course, my mom does NOT like her or have any interest in meeting her. Mother in law doesn't know this.
> 
> Fast forword to present day. I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and my husband and I are super excited despite the fact that she was a surprise. Mother in law is happy too believe it or not, she's been wanting a grandchild for years and her harsh view on me has softened. She definitely is more tolerant of me now than before. I have told my mom about mother in laws change in attitude but my mom still hates her. She's convinced that mother in laws presents in our house will be bad for the baby since she smokes and will probably try to raise my child her way, but I have chosen to cross that bridge when we come to it and just enjoy the peace for now.
> 
> Now, finally, on to my problem. My mom is organizing a baby shower with my step mom (my mom and dad are divorced), my grandma and my brothers wife. My mom has told me that she is willing to invite mother in law if I want. My husband thinks his mother should go, that it will be good for the grandmothers to meet. I think it will be a disaster. Mother in law, by nature, isn't exactly an enjoyable person to be around. She is negative and pessimistic about most things and is also highly opinionated. When someone doesn't share her opinion, she finds reasons to dislike that person and becomes passive aggressive and rude. Hence why she has been so difficult with me in the past.
> 
> My mother can be a joy and has many friends who enjoy her, unlike my mother in law. But like my mother in law, once she decides she doesn't like a person, she can become quite rude herself. I don't know if my mom could control herself if mother in law says something she rude or passive aggressive about me or the shower, which she very well might. And I don't trust that mother in law WON'T say anything offensive or insulting. Not only that, but if mother in law feels ignored or insulted by my mom's lack of interest in their meeting, she might take it out on me after the shower is over and the peace i've been enjoying will be ruined. My biggest fear is that she and my mom will have a confrontation AT my shower in front of everyone and I will be caught in the middle.
> 
> My mom thinks that the invite to my baby shower is just a courtesy to mother in law and doesn't expect her to be there. Little does she know, mother in law WANTS to go and has even discussed with me about the date so she can ask her work for the day off. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to meet and especially not at my baby shower. It's not like I can lie to mother in law and say i'm not having one, then she will wonder where all the gifts came from.
> 
> Sorry for the long post, just wanted to make sure everyone knew the full story behind my fears. What would you do in my situation? Telling mother in law she isn't invited would totally ruin her new cool attitude towards me. But inviting her opens a new can of worms that I am not ready for. What should I do?


They are adults, you have no responsibility to control their actions to placate them. If your mother in law starts getting rude, then she has to deal with whatever your mother says to her, she's a grown woman, if she can't control her mouth then she is going to get it back in return. You don't need to protect either of them. If WW111 breaks out, kindly ask the beginning offender to leave. He is YOUR HUSBAND, that is yours and his home, if the peace is destroyed, or if she smokes in the home, or becomes a rude [email protected]#h again, move out and leave her to her own devices. Your mother-in-law is not your responsibility to keep happy if she isn't going to return the same respect, care, and understanding to you. Go to your shower and let them do what they wish, remember they are ADULTS, if they want to act like kids and upset each other, oh well they can deal with it. Good luck!


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## MEM2020

I think it shows commitment to your H, that you've made this work out ok with his mom. 

That said, you and your H need to be aligned where smoking is concerned. 

Secondary smoke around a newborn is a total 'no go'. So MIL needs to understand that smoking in doors will result in you two giving notice to the landlord that you are moving out. MIL can then find new room mates to share the rent, or move into a smaller place. 

This isn't about asking her to quit. It's solely about being firm that she cannot smoke inside. 





maddi said:


> I guess you're right. There's really nothing I could do about it if they decide to act like children. And yes, we have spoken to her about smoking outside when we first announced the pregnancy and I plan to remind her again when the due date gets closer, but convincing her to quit is a losing battle. My husband already tried to fight it when she got pneumonia. She doesn't care about her health or the money, as long as she can do what she wants, thats the kind of person she is.


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## jld

You are a lot more tolerant than I am, OP. I can't stand the smell of smoke. Even if she were to smoke outside, you can surely smell it on her. That can't be good for a baby, either.

Your mil sounds like an addict, btw. And, sorry to say, it sounds like you and your husband are enabling her. It is certainly your choice, but it might be helpful to see it for what it is.

What would she do if you and your husband died suddenly, say in a car accident? Have you ever asked her?


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## maddi

jld said:


> You are a lot more tolerant than I am, OP. I can't stand the smell of smoke. Even if she were to smoke outside, you can surely smell it on her. That can't be good for a baby, either.
> 
> Your mil sounds like an addict, btw. And, sorry to say, it sounds like you and your husband are enabling her. It is certainly your choice, but it might be helpful to see it for what it is.
> 
> What would she do if you and your husband died suddenly, say in a car accident? Have you ever asked her?


As far as I know, she is only addicted to smoking. If we died, she would probably move in with her boyfriend. But for right now, we are alive and if we tried to make her move, she would retaliate by sabotaging her relationship with this boyfriend. I know because she almost did it once. She is very manipulative and will do anything to get what she wants. And what she wants is to live with my husband.


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## maddi

EleGirl said:


> Would your mother in law qualify for any kind of public assistance?


Probably, but not living assistance. Most government assisted living arrangements in our city is loaded with crime and pests. She would never agree to live there.


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## maddi

frusdil said:


> I too have a monster in law. There is NO WAY IN HE!L that she would EVER EVER live (or even visit lol) us in our home. No freakin' way.
> 
> There is no real reason why she cant move out. I read your excuses, but that's all they really are. She can get her own apartment, if she earns as little as you say, she'd qualify for low cost housing, and can stop smoking - necessity is the mother of invention.
> 
> While I wouldn't invite my MIL to my baby shower (she hates my guts and we don't speak), if you are getting along relatively well with yours, it wouldn't be a good idea to exclude her. You can speak to your mum and say that you think for family peace, it would be a good idea to invite her and for your mum to please hold her tongue if MIL acts out.
> 
> IF MIL acts out, that is on her and her alone. You are not responsible for her behaviour.


Low cost housing in our city (chicago) is loaded with crime and pests. Like I said before, she is an adult. We may be able to force her out if we owned a home but we rent and her name is on the lease. Legally, there's nothing we could do. She won't move by herself and we can't make her do it like a teenager. We have tried everything to make her leave and this include point blank telling her we don't want her here anymore. It just causes a fight, she gets angry, makes our lives hell and refuses to go. She certainly CAN stop smoking, apply for government aid, and move, but making her do it is the issue. In the end, she will do what she wants and we can't force her to do anything against her will.


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## maddi

Diana7 said:


> Is there any reason why she lives with you? Its rarely a good idea for a married couple to live with parents.


I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.


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## ConanHub

maddi said:


> I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.


I would relocate. Might take a while but better than letting a ***** harm your marriage.


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## EleGirl

Does she put any money towards rent, utilities and food? If so, about what percentage of the bills?


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## Blondilocks

Is the lease solely in her name?


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## Diana7

maddi said:


> As far as I know, she is only addicted to smoking. If we died, she would probably move in with her boyfriend. But for right now, we are alive and if we tried to make her move, she would retaliate by sabotaging her relationship with this boyfriend. I know because she almost did it once. She is very manipulative and will do anything to get what she wants. And what she wants is to live with my husband.


 She will only be able to get her way if you both allow it. My advise is to start applying for jobs a long way away and move there(alone). Sometimes thats the only way to get away from controlling parents.


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## kag123

maddi said:


> Low cost housing in our city (chicago) is loaded with crime and pests. Like I said before, she is an adult. We may be able to force her out if we owned a home but we rent and her name is on the lease. Legally, there's nothing we could do. She won't move by herself and we can't make her do it like a teenager. We have tried everything to make her leave and this include point blank telling her we don't want her here anymore. It just causes a fight, she gets angry, makes our lives hell and refuses to go. She certainly CAN stop smoking, apply for government aid, and move, but making her do it is the issue. In the end, she will do what she wants and we can't force her to do anything against her will.


But why don't the two of you move, and leave her where she is? 

She can apply for government assistance without having to live in Section 8 housing. There are plenty of different programs- state and federal - that will provide her with some income. Food stamps can help with food. Medicaid can help with health insurance. 

Depending on her age, she may be eligible to draw her social security benefits early if she is not using it already (this can be done based on lack of income at times). 

Have you looked into the options? 

State Resources for IL:

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=30358

Federal Assistance Program Finder:

www.benefits.gov/benefits/benefit-finder#benefits&qc=cat_1


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## Kivlor

maddi said:


> I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.


Unless your / your H's name is on the lease, you live with her, not she with you. How long is left on the lease? 

My recommendation is to discuss with your H arranging for housing that is only for you and your new family. Make plans, start saving. At the end of the lease, move out. You could do this, whether you're on the lease or not, and it's a fair arrangement. Make sure to notify MIL way in advance (like as soon as you and H are on the same page) so she knows what day it's happening on and she can act accordingly. 

This way you didn't just take off and leave her hanging. 

RE: Smoking inside... if you want anything done you're going to need your H to put his foot down on this. What needs to happen is he needs to notify her that this is an unalterable, non-negotiable boundary. And that if she won't agree to it, the two of you will be leaving much sooner.

ETA: I forgot to respond to the question about your baby shower. Tell your Mom that you expect her to behave well, hold her tongue, and pretend to get along. If she can't then maybe she shouldn't come. Your H should have the EXACT same conversation with his mom. Set some boundaries here.

I'm getting the feeling that you and your H would benefit from the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. It's heavily Christian--so if you're not, you may find it a little annoying--but the basic principles and rules apply, regardless of religion, IMO.


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## Openminded

maddi said:


> I already explained this to previous posters, she lives with US and can't afford a place of her own.


She and your husband were living together before you married him (and her name is on the lease). Obviously, she considers that her home too. Sounds like you're stuck with her until you and your husband move out at some point.


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## Spicy

Wow, she is a powerful force in your life. You still are toddlers in her eyes.
You do whatever she wants, for fear of consequences. You and DH are completely whipped by this woman.
It's so sad to read. 

You have been given the right solutions over and over, but you and hubby are too afraid of her to do anything about it.
Recap of the right solutions. 

*1. Invite MIL to your shower. These are two adult women, they know how to be cordial at a baby shower for an hour or two.

2. Give MIL a date to move out by. Preferably before the baby comes. IF she is a co-signer on a longer lease, see if it can be amended to have you added instead of her, and if not, then the move out date may need to be the date the lease ends. It would be least hurtful if you can do it in conjunction of having the baby, as this is a time for you to nest and you are about to be the "mama bird", and there should only be one of those per nest. Explain your need for this as a new mama. 

An elderly friend of ours made the most profound statement when my parents allowed a family who needed help to move in with us and it turned into a disaster. I will share it with you now, "The house hasn't been built yet that was big enough for two families". 

3. Smoking stops immediately. Again, use the pregnancy. If she says she won't or doesn't, then again, she needs to move out. Her grandchild doesn't deserve you to have you swallow part of a cigarette every time she walks by you with her cloud of second hand smoke coming off her and her clothes.

4. If you and your husband cannot or will not enforce these things, then accept your reeking MIL will be in your home the rest of your/her life. Embrace it, because complaining about it does no good if you don't take actions. *


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## katies

maddi said:


> And my husband won't make steps to kick her out or leave her with nothing just because she might cause issues, she actually has to do something offending for him to take action..


Well, here's your real problem. A husband who won't protect his wife and baby from his tyrannical mother. 
Kick her out - problem solved - smoking AND person

or
I'd tell my husband SHE leaves or baby and I leave. Your choice. Grow some balls.


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## NextTimeAround

> 3. Smoking stops immediately. Again, use the pregnancy. If she says she won't or doesn't, then again, she needs to move out. Her grandchild doesn't deserve you to have you swallow part of a cigarette every time she walks by you with her cloud of second hand smoke coming off her and her clothes.


If you were a smoker and your child was born with a smoking related disease, you can be sure you would be arrested and tried in court.

I think the same can be done for third parties who subject you to the same environment.


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## pianobabe

maddi said:


> That's not happening. Mother in law lives with US not the other way around. She makes $11 an hour as a CNA and honestly, thats all she can really do. Until she finds someone else to live with or we start making enough to support her in different living arrangements, we are unfortunately stuck with her.


Well, not to be mean, but if this is what you've convinced yourself of, then you have no reason to complain. Because, as other posters have alluded to, THIS is the main problem...not the crabby MIL! It's hard enough living with people you DO like...people who DO respect you and your opinions, lifestyle, habits, etc. Trying to live peaceably with someone who clearly isn't able or willing to do so is LUDICROUS!!!

Has she convinced you "That's not happening," as you state? Or did you and DH convince yourselves of this? Despite wherever that misguided deception is coming from, the fact of the matter is that if this is what everybody has resigned themselves to, then you will NEVER improve the situation. 

OR! You and DH could expand your thinking where it regards his mother's living arrangements. Realize that there are MANY older people who have housemates because they can't afford a place of their own alone! Look around...they're everywhere!!! Stop getting hoodwinked by this woman and allowing her to wreak havoc on your marriage. If she won't start looking for alternate living arrangements, then start looking *FOR* her! TODAY! Give her a 90- or 120-day notice...or whatever you deem ample time to find other arrangements. I find it hard to believe that this son (whose wife she detests) is the only relative that she can live with. This woman is playing you guys like a $3 fiddle!!!

What about all the elderly folks out there (not necessarily relatives) who would LOVE to have a live-in to help clean, manage bills, run errands, etc.? Are there not other relatives around her age that she could live with? I mean, really? If you convince yourself that something is not possible...you're right, it's NOT. But the day you get honest with yourself and open your mind to new possibilities, things can start to change. But as things stand right now...why the heck should she even TRY to do better if you guys are happy to babysit her and put up with her disrespect?!?! I had a testy MIL too, but this stuff you're describing? HTTN! I'da LONG kicked her arse to the curb!!! Constantly denigrating me in my OWN house? I thinks NOT!!!! 

OK, sorry to ramble on, but I just had to get that in there. Cause the truth as I see it is this: *The baby shower issue pales in comparison to the REAL problems here!!!* You're about to bring a baby into a home that's rife with animosity and tensions. Think twice about that. You're worrying about whether people will get along for an event that will last, at best, a few hours. May I respectfully encourage you to think about the more critical issue here...MIL's effect on your precious child during her foundational years. 

Long story short...MIL needs to get the he*l on so you guys can grow your marriage and family in peace!!!

Just sayin'...


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## pianobabe

maddi said:


> Low cost housing in our city (chicago) is loaded with crime and pests. Like I said before, she is an adult. We may be able to force her out if we owned a home but we rent and her name is on the lease. Legally, there's nothing we could do. She won't move by herself and we can't make her do it like a teenager. We have tried everything to make her leave and this include point blank telling her we don't want her here anymore. It just causes a fight, she gets angry, makes our lives hell and refuses to go. She certainly CAN stop smoking, apply for government aid, and move, but making her do it is the issue. In the end, she will do what she wants and we can't force her to do anything against her will.


Sorry...but I'ma have to call Bulls**t on this too! If her name is on the lease, then when the lease ends, allow her to re-sign the lease ALONE...or find some alternate live-ins that she can respect and treat like equals! Make sure you give her SEVERAL months of notice in advance, and then let the chips fall where they may.

I like what motivational speaker Les Brown says...when you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them! And that's what's happening here.

So until your DH is ready to grow a pair and you guys stop making excuses for this woman, may you be freed to live a healthy family life in peace. Until then...you make your bed, you lie in it!!!


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## katiecrna

You guys are enabling her. It's going to ruin your marriage. 

Invite her to the shower. Talk to both of them and tell them you want no drama. 

You can't demand that she quites smoking but you can demand that she doesn't smoke in the house, since you said it is your house. 

Why can't she afford an apartment? I'm sure she qualifies for some type of assistance. 

You guys are making excuses for enabling her.


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## Andy1001

Your husband seems to be taking a back seat in this situation.Its time you two were living on your own without the mil from hell.(Wait,that's my mil to be).Tell her to start looking for roommates or move in with her boyfriend because one way or another she will ruin your lives if this behaviour is let carry on.


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