# Wife has told me she doesn't love me and I can't win her back



## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

We've been in love for 9 years and now married for less than 2 years. This year my drinking habit finally got out of control for a few months due to work stress. I realised drink was making me unhappy and i knew my wife was keen for me to put an end to it as she was worried about my happiness and my health.

So on my own motivation I decided to address this and overcame my problem in 3 weeks. However another 2 weeks after i was clean and vastly improved I noticed that my wife's behaviour had changed suddenly changed almost over night. She had stopped telling me she loved me, didnt hug me, kiss me and obviously no sex. She also avoided me and made as many plans with her friends as possible. This went on for 3 weeks before I confronted her and she admitted that she didnt love me anymore.

The reasons she gave were:
1) i became difficult to live with while i was drinking heavily and it was hard for her to approach me about it (she says this was the trigger) 
2) sometimes I had put her down in front of friends and was too snappy with her (she doesnt make a big deal of this)
3) she thinks she has changed this year. New job, new friends, lost weight, she's turned 30. 

However my behaviour has been immaculate since I stopped drinking and by the time she confessed to me about falling out of love. 

A further 3 months on since her confession and we still dont argue (we never have), we live together harmoniously and with no kids and we have a great home. I'm a good husband on paper - great career and the main money provider, keep the home immaculate, look after her, compliment her, ive been going to the gym a hell of a lot and i physically look better than i ever did when used she loved me. Im on top of my game, basically.

However her feelings have still not changed and we even spent christmas apart with our respective families for a week to give her some space. I feel absolutely helpless because ive addressed every problem, apologised, treated her like a princess and still i cant win her affections back. Im the only one to initialise heart to heart talks every few weeks and she still cant explain why she doesn't love me anymore. She just thinks that she has just changed.

I don't believe there is another person who i am competing with and have no reason to believe she has cheated on me. I havent been single since I was 19 and Im lost for ideas on how to win someone back when my self esteem gets battered each day by her complete lack of affection.

How do i fix this? How long do i fight until i decide to give up and move forward with a life without her? Each day is torture and depression looms.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

People want things they can't have. 

Tell her you love her and wish the best for her and let her go. Then be the best person you can be. 

She will either move on without you or come and join you.

I know how easy this is to say and how hard it is to do, but it really is all you can do at this point. Begging and pleading with her will only make you more unattractive.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to check phone records, emails to see if there is a lot of activity to one number. What you describe is the typical cheaters script to a tee. Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have acsess to her phone, computer?


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

I have access to her personal email and her facebook and havent found anything. However i dont have access to her work email (yet) and she keeps her mobile phone very close at all times. I manage to check it briefly most days first thing in the morning when she showers and have yet to see anything suspicious.

The trouble with me is, if we split up - i want a clean split. My coping mechanism will be to delete my memories of her and there won't be any going back. Pretending im moving on would be an audacious bluff but id rather not. I have no doubt she will be devastated - the embarrassment to families and the loss of our shared home will hit her hard emotionally at the very least. She can't afford to live on her own. Once our flat goes on the market, it's all over for us and could never forgive or trust her again.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I feel your pain. I like many others here have had a similar story. It does not always mean there is an affair PA or EA, but the odds are good, especially in a work envorinment. The strongest of us would set them free and 180 to the max. If they come back it is on your terms. Much easier said then done. Some of us wait patiently and will work with them through MC. What I am doing. Only time will tell if this method will work.

Bottom line is who wants someone who does not love us. 

I wish you well.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The fact she guards the phone is a big red flag

What kind of phone is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

It's an iPhone. She is addicted to it rather than protective of it. Plays scrabble and hangman constantly on it etc


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Do both games have chat options? That's where you want to look for evidence. I'm sure someone here will provide you with the method to retrieve her iPhone activity, as long as she syncs to a home computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You must have discussed divorce. What does she say about it. Does she want that. If that is what she wants there is very little you can do.


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

they do have chat options - ill keep an eye on them too

i can see how the general concern with my wife in this thread is that she may have had an affair. it would certainly be the most interesting cause (it would make great reading here after all).

the 180 idea is probably my best bet. i think i grasp the general concept of it but if someone has a link to a good article on it then that would help me greatly. thanks all so far.

im still keen for more ideas/stories/experiences from similar people to myself. Im a man of 30 years who married his first love. Myself and all my friends would have put every last dollar on us being together for life. This will shock everyone to the core and my friends will get very paranoid.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think that you doing a 180 and not chasing her (letting her go) will shock her to the core. She will see what she is giving up.

I wish you the best.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

These are the red flags:

Behavior changed overnight
Doesn't love you anymore
No sex
Goes out with friends
No Kissing
New Job
New friends
Lost Weight
Keeps phone close

When all of these are present its almost certain she has found a new man. You need to get phone records from before her behavior made a drastic turn. You said she goes out with friends, how often and when. If you can afford it get a PI. If not put a keylogger on her computer, gps her phone, get phone records, put a VAR where she might use phone like in the car and bathroom. Put one VAR under the front seatwith heavy duty velcro. You can get both at Walmart or BestBuy. Look for phone numbers, lots of texts to one number.

Good luck


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

There's a lot of red flags here but the catch is that it was sudden, and AFTER you made changes. Assuming you didn't do something to cause that kind of behavior (like you pushed her down or spit on her or told her she was a dumba**), it's very odd to just change that radically into not wanting to work on the marriage.

Very suspicious of a woman who found someone else. Also that she is guarding her phone. Did you check her phone records to see if she's calling/texting someone frequently? Don't underestimate how sneaky a woman can be when she's cheating.

To us who have been there, it looks like she's cheating on you. It's very easy to say something like, "I'm pretty sure my wife isn't cheating on me." Until you find out your wife is...and you realize the flags were staring you in the face and you just didn't believe it because you can't believe that the woman you love would ever do something like that.

The crappy thing is that most cheaters won't admit to anything until you have hard evidence. Which means you either have to walk away or get some evidence. I'd go MacGyver on her phone and phone records, VAR in her car and in the house, keylogger on the computer, password for work computer if you can, PI or spying if she's going out alone.

The 180 is a good approach but having the hard evidence is good so that you know what you're dealing with. Also, don't ever give up your evidence or how you got it. If you catch something on her phone, don't tell her how or what you know cause it'll be the last time you can use it. Use it as a barometer for if she is telling you the truth.


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks all for the advice. However i'm now terrified she may have cheated on me after reading the responses.

One thing i forgot to mention - the sudden lack of affection towards me coincided with her shielding her private parts when getting dressed. She turns her back on me to put on a bra and shyly puts on her underwear on under a towel. The door is also now locked when she showers or takes a bath.

Quite frankly this is ridiculous because we've seen each other naked 1000s of times. It pisses me off, in fact. If anything it should be me shielding my naked self from her - the person who im finding hard to trust anymore.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

bridgeman1982 said:


> Thanks all for the advice. However i'm now terrified she may have cheated on me after reading the responses.
> 
> One thing i forgot to mention - the sudden lack of affection towards me coincided with her shielding her private parts when getting dressed. She turns her back on me to put on a bra and shyly puts on her underwear on under a towel. The door is also now locked when she showers or takes a bath.
> 
> Quite frankly this is ridiculous because we've seen each other naked 1000s of times. It pisses me off, in fact. If anything it should be me shielding my naked self from her - the person who im finding hard to trust anymore.


I would be shocked and surprised if your wife isn't cheating on you. My wife exhibited very similar behavior. I knew something wasn't right when I kissed her forehead goodnight and she recoiled like I had burned her.

I'm sorry it comes to this. I know it's a really difficult thing to believe about someone you love and care for so much. Cheating sucks...there's nothing else to say about it. It's akin to losing a loved one, added together with betrayal and a questioning of the reality of your marriage.

The best thing you can do is go 180 on her and snoop like a mad dog while you're still living together. Treat her with love and respect but don't get clingy. This is assuming that you would indeed want to reconcile if she was cheating. You need to be very prepared to deal with that possibility.

If that's a dealbreaker for you, then be prepared to walk away now. You'll have to be prepared for that anyway since she may not want to reconcile at this point.

Edit: Just wanted to add that although you are furious and pissed and angry, don't lose your cool to your wife. Get that out of your system alone or with someone you can trust. When you deal with your wife, you need to be controlled and calm. It's ok to be angry, and you can let her know that, but you need to show that you are in control of your emotions.


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

Update:

Everyone's responses here really freaked me out. At first I thought you all were overly keen to suggest she was cheating on me and that this may have been driven by a morbid curiosity and a keeness to find another who has been cheated on by their wives to help yourselves with your own respective recoveries.

However i went digging even harder and deeper than id been before in amongst her emails etc.

*THIS MORNING I FOUND THE EVIDENCE I NEED*

I collapsed and writhed on the floor. I have never felt so shocked and disturbed in all my life. It is absolute gut wrenching agony.

She plays bridge weekly and one the guys there is my brother in law's ex-flat mate. I found a conversation between her and him where she said she loved him. It seems he filled that void during my recovery from alcohol. 

I dont know how far this affair has gone but I am literally distraught and my head and emotions are in a whirlwind. Tonight I will confront her in the hope that I can prise this information out of her. This is the only way our marriage can be saved. If i have to present the evidence then i dont think i can ever forgive her.

Any tips on how to do this would be much appreciated. Shall i start a new thread in a new section?

AAAAARRRRGGGHH. F*************K.

I also need to sort this guy out. I dont know whether to sit him down with a beer or whether i should assault him. Im not in the mood for a fight but its probably the done thing in these situations.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

bridgeman1982 said:


> Update:
> 
> Everyone's responses here really freaked me out. At first I thought you all were overly keen to suggest she was cheating on me and that this may have been driven by a morbid curiosity and a keeness to find another who has been cheated on by their wives to help yourselves with your own respective recoveries.
> 
> ...


You have to do what you have to do. Is the other man married or have a girlfriend? Expose to his family friends and your wifes family and friends. How long has it been going on? Did you see any emails/texts from him? What did they say?


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

He doesn't have a girlfriend. My wife's best friend is his sister.

It's been going on at least since september. I found a deleted google chat in her trashcan in her gmail. In amongst all the talk of bridge moves and tactics she dropped in this conversation which occured shortly after my recovery but before her confession:

my wife: I love you btw
my wife: just to let you know
him: can you say that on here?
my wife: yeah... but I'm typing a lot now
my wife: to hide the chat 
my wife: so it disappears up the top
my wife: hehe 
him: ha ha
my wife: but wanted you to know
him: I'm the same


Then further down in the same conversation:

my wife: he is pissed at me
him: y?
my wife: he's having a hard time not drinking 
my wife: so pissed at me
my wife: and he just tried to ask me to help him with the flat thing
my wife: and I said i couldnt
my wife: as I'm doing this and in the middle of a hand
my wife: he got pissy with me a bit
my wife: I tried to be helpful, but alas...
my wife: no worries tho
my wife: does not worry me
my wife: I am happy
my wife: chatting to you, playing bridge
my wife: which is fun
my wife: and enjoyable


As you can tell she was having this chat with him whilst i was in the room. I think ive also identified a potential opportunity when they might have slept together a week later because the following morning was when she went super-cold on me. 

All the above is the only evidence I have. I know he used to pick her up from work on the way to bridge and apparently they'd grab a quick bite to eat on the way. This probably helped establish the feelings. She may be calling him from work and email him from work. There was maybe one occasion where i presumed she was speaking to her best friend, but in actual fact i think it was him (her best friends brother).


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A lot of people here say not to confront the other man. I totally disagree.

my wife: I love you btw
my wife: just to let you know
him: can you say that on here?
my wife: yeah... but I'm typing a lot now
my wife: to hide the chat 
my wife: so it disappears up the top
my wife: hehe 
him: ha ha
my wife: but wanted you to know
him: I'm the same


He's only looking to get laid. He knows shes married. If he loved her he would have said "I love you too" not "I'm the same".

Can't say what I would do or I would be banned.


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

I thought maybe thats because he didnt want his confession of loving her to show up on her logs incase it flashed up while i looked over her shoulder.

However im also agreeing with you. He wants a girlfriend. He doesnt love her....yet. 

I think my wife has thrown myself at him


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sorry this happened to you, I recommend you read my cwi newbie link and pm a mod to have this moved to the CWI section

you have two options

1) confront now since you have enough evidence to prove that at the very least she is having an emotional affair (EA)
2) gather more evidence to see how far it has gone since she likely won't tell you the truth of it or attempt to gaslight you on what you saw


in either case I recommend that you download this program on the computer that she sync her phone with-

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac

also get a keylogger on the computer and do the VAR in the car


know this- While your alcoholism is a valid excuse for your wife to leave the marriage,* it is in no way a valid excuse to cheat on you*

that is 100% all hers to atone for and make right if you both wish to R


now how to confront when you do?



personally I think having divorce papers in front of you to demonstrate your seriousness is a good thing, so seeing a lawyer 1st may be the best course (knowing your options is best too)

I also think exposing first is a good idea, if that OM is married tell his wife right away and present the proof, you need to kill the affair to proceed

next you tell her that you can't control her but what you can do is not abide by what she does and that having a marriage with three people is not what you will abide by and that if she wishes to remain in the marriage that she needs to do the following for you-


1) Come clean on everything, no "trickle truth" no "blameshifting" and no gaslighting, if something down the line gets revealed you are done
2) she writes a no contact letter to the OM that you see and it gets sent and if OM contacts her she must ignore it and tell you of it right away. also block OM from email, facebook and her phone
3) she must be completely transparent, she must give up all passwords, allow you to view her phone and tell you of her whereabouts (and you should continue to spy without telling her)
4) she must be completely remorse, like you have owned up to your drinking she must own up to the affair and admit 100% of the blame and do what is necessary to help you heal. She must know it is for the long haul and it can take 2-5 years for you to fully recover


lastly-
I know how hard it will be for you to not drink, but please get your support system in place for this- this is extremely stressful and I would hate to see you fall off the wagon


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Why do you want to spy further? Your wife told you she doesn't love you any more (and they RARELY come back from that, to address the second part of the title of your thread). She's found someone else. You have no kids. You're still young. 

Pack a bag and leave. No big scene (you can cry all you want later when you're not near her). Tell her you're moving on with your life. Next move is hers: Divorce or Reconciliation. The former, no problem. The latter, she'll have to sell you. Tell her you're sorry for your part in the problems, but she made a vow to stick with you and help you, not look for comfort in another man.

You get a do-over. I **** ing WISH I were you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

First off, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Trust us when we say that we know the pain and anguish and anxiety you feel when you find that evidence. I am normally a very calm person, but my body was writhing in agony and I "lost it" when I saw the sex messages between my wife and her EA partner. This is totally normal and something that will pass.

Second, as AR said, GET YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE!!! I am not a big drinker, but going through the separation made me want to drink myself under a table. If you already have a problem with drugs or alcohol, you need to get a support system in place so that you don't turn to destructive behavior. Get as many friends and family members you can to help you.


As for what to do, here is how I would approach it, your mileage may vary.

I would sit her down and tell her that you really want to work on the marriage, but that you feel like there's something between you that's getting in the way. Let her come clean on her own if she desires. I would not, reveal your evidence or that you know anything yet.

It is very likely she will not reveal anything to you at this point, she thinks she's in love with this other guy.

If that happens, which is likely, I would tell her that you want to work on the marriage, but you will not allow her to stay in the family home while she is not committed to the marriage and holding back the truth (do not tell her what you know). She is the one not wanting to work on the marriage, she should be the one to leave.

Then I would confront OM, OM's wife/bf, OM's family, OM's friends, the bridge group, etc. Let them know that you love your wife and want to work on your marriage but it is difficult when your wife is still in the middle of an affair, and ask for their help to encourage the OM to end it.

Then I would do the same thing to your wife's friends, family, etc. Don't just tell everyone she knows, but the people that will deal with her regularly. Parents and best friends are a good start.

The reason is to make it very uncomfortable for your wife to continue the affair. You want that relationship to end so the "fog" can lift and she can see clearly how poorly she acted.

During this time you do the 180 on her, treat her with love and respect so that she knows she made the wrong choice. If she is choosing not to reconcile, you are in a stronger place to move on, because you will be focusing on yourself and being a better person.

You know she experiences true remorse when she follows AR's script. Coming clean (no trickle truth or only revealing to evidence), No contact letter and she abides by it, complete phone/computer transparency, no blameshifting for the affair.

Based on the physical apprehension and frequent visits, I would say it is very likely she had a PA on you. The reason I would refrain from sharing the evidence you have is that she'll admit to it, and then deny anything else until she really wants to come clean. Better that you keep what you have and let her tell you what's going on, and you can corroborate that with your evidence.

I had a chance early in my wife's EA that I could have gotten her to fess up to everything. I blew my wad on the little evidence I had and so she only owned up to what I could prove. If you act like you know everything but tell her nothing she's going to assume you know everything. She'll try to play games about, "what do you know? who told you? etc etc" Don't play that game, she is either ready to come clean on everything or she is still thinking about continuing the affair.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

MrK said:


> Why do you want to spy further? Your wife told you she doesn't love you any more (and they RARELY come back from that, to address the second part of the title of your thread). She's found someone else. You have no kids. You're still young.
> 
> Pack a bag and leave. No big scene (you can cry all you want later when you're not near her). Tell her you're moving on with your life. Next move is hers: Divorce or Reconciliation. The former, no problem. The latter, she'll have to sell you. Tell her you're sorry for your part in the problems, but she made a vow to stick with you and help you, not look for comfort in another man.
> 
> You get a do-over. I **** ing WISH I were you.


While I kind of agree that he's in a good spot if he wants to move on, I disagree with the overall message. First, I wouldn't say it's rare they come back from this. I think statistically there's a good chance at reconciliation, and the outcome of a strong reconciliation can be an amazing experience (mine included). Second, she lived with the guy through a very difficult time, there's obviously something worth saving here.

While I don't condone cheating under any circumstance, the constant toil of dealing with someone else's addiction is pretty low on the spectrum of cheating evil. I would prepare him that he may have to move on, but I wouldn't walk away from the marriage if he wants to reconcile.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

COguy said:


> Second, she lived with the guy through a very difficult time, there's obviously something worth saving here.


Did she? Looks to me like she was living in her dream world the whole time.


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

Just to clarrify - she has never lived with this man or anything.

Tonight i will confront her and will not tell her how i know. I know i can get this information from her. I will never let her know what i found.

Once ive got the confession im going to take her mobile phone and make sure she can't contact him while i go and pay him a visit tonight.

Im going to be very level headed and invite him out for a drink and we will talk about this like gentleman. Coincidentally he currently lives with my wife's best friend who i keep mentioning. Bringing this out in the open in front of his family and friends should fog the affair. Im going to let the guy know that it cant continue while we're married and to ask him for his side of events. I want to gather as much truth as possible while im still holding the cards.

Then ill return home and give her back her mobile. Then we move forward, in one way or another.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bad idea to confront OM

you wont get any truth out of him either

instead inform his live in girl friend and show her what you have


(but this why you should pry a bit more, you need all of the facts you can get)


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

sorry, i may have mixed my story up as to who is involved

To clarrify:

the other guy lives with my wife's best friend. My wife's best friend is also the other guy's sister. Its screwed up, i know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure you print/save in a save place the evidence you found.

Don't confront him, but if you do - do it before you confront her otherwise she will warn him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should tell the best friend then too. Though she likely knows.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't see what you'll get from confronting the OM. I know you WANT to, but you won't get anything from it unless you want to just gather additional info. But you can't expect that person to be truthful either. He thinks he loves your wife and she loves him, he's going to protect his relationship and do whatever he can to split you guys up. He could tell you they boned 300 times just to piss you off so you won't trust her. He could tell you nothing happened to protect her.

I wouldn't waste my time, your problem is with your wife not this guy. If you both decide to get past it and she goes NC and he keeps bothering her, then you can and should get involved. The way to make it uncomfortable is to involve friends and family who know what's going on and know that it's not right to cheat. They're going to apply pressure on your wife and the OM, but don't expect the OM to do the same unless he's got a wife or girlfriend that he doesn't want you to tell.

The mobile won't solve anything as there are tons of ways to communicate. Secret phones, computers, personal meetings, etc. Don't be naive and think that just because you confront her the fog will lift.

This is why I am a proponent of not telling her you know anything, let her come clean. If she wants to make it work she'll come clean, if she wants to continue the affair then getting her to admit something that you can prove will get you nothing (you have proof, no reason for her to admit what you already know).


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

COguy said:


> I don't see what you'll get from confronting the OM. I know you WANT to, but you won't get anything from it unless you want to just gather additional info. But you can't expect that person to be truthful either. He thinks he loves your wife and she loves him, he's going to protect his relationship and do whatever he can to split you guys up. He could tell you they boned 300 times just to piss you off so you won't trust her. He could tell you nothing happened to protect her.
> 
> I wouldn't waste my time, your problem is with your wife not this guy. If you both decide to get past it and she goes NC and he keeps bothering her, then you can and should get involved. The way to make it uncomfortable is to involve friends and family who know what's going on and know that it's not right to cheat. They're going to apply pressure on your wife and the OM, but don't expect the OM to do the same unless he's got a wife or girlfriend that he doesn't want you to tell.
> 
> ...


COGuy is absolutely correct in approach here.

Think about it. 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How about taking her for a drive and drop her off at his place. You can then walk around to the trunk, pull out her suit case and tell her she can have him full time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How about taking her for a drive and drop her off at his place. You can then walk around to the trunk, pull out her suit case and tell her she can have him full time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shock and awe! Don't know why I didn't suggest this first on this thread?!

That would send a message louder than anything else I could think of. She would be scrambling in a what? huh? oh! trying to figure out how you knew. Nothing said, just performed. Powerful. Instant fog breaker.

OM and OMS would be soiling their breeches!

Bridgeman: There you go. I vote for this. I wish we could get a poll on suggested responses to her.

Here is your action plan:

1 - Pack her a suitcase of clothes / toiletries for 1 week. Put it in the car trunk. 

2 - When she gets home from work / bridge (whatever) - invite her to take a ride with you (she doesn't know about the clothes)

3 - Take her to OM's house. 

4 - Get out of the car, grab the suitcase, then ask her to get out of the car.

5 - Lock the doors and leave!

The look on her face will be priceless. (oh and do post pics of that, if you can!)


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How about taking her for a drive and drop her off at his place. You can then walk around to the trunk, pull out her suit case and tell her she can have him full time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL that's a great idea. I'd thoroughly suggest it if she doesn't want to come clean on her own.


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## bridgeman1982 (Jan 3, 2012)

*UPDATE*

I got the whole confession from her by using an oscar-winning speech and showing her wedding photos while reminding her of our vows, family and friends. 

The emotional affair began during my recovery from alcholol. She had given up on me (underestimated me).

The physical affair progressed throughout the period of time we were meant to be repairing our relationship. 3 months with the last time she slept with him being 30th of december.

The additional timings and details of the affair are nothing short of evil. They are shocking. Im selling our home and we are separating ASAP.

Today i will research rehabilitation threads. Thank you all for your help.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Shaggy said:


> How about taking her for a drive and drop her off at his place. You can then walk around to the trunk, pull out her suit case and tell her she can have him full time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love this idea! I actually sort of did this once. I packed the bags and dropped them on the floor and said "you want your freedom? Go. Get out of my house"

I am so sorry you are going through this. May I play devil's advocate here? Have you found any evidence this started 'before' she started acting cold? I also know what it's like to put up with a drunk. Not pretty. Some women will not tolerate it and you said yourself things got bad when you were drinking. She lost her husband, her emotional support when you started drinking. 
Does that give her the right to cheat? No. And when she told you she didn't love you anymore, she should have packed her own bags and left.
The thing is, we are all different and we will all put up with stuff in our relationships that we didn't think we would ever put up with.
Think about what is best for you.

DO NOT confront the man. He's not cheating on you. Your wife is.

UPDATE: I just read your last post. You are hurt. You didn't say whether the two of you spoke about trying to stay together or not. Some people can forgive a wandering spouse. But it takes time to rebuild the trust. If you feel you can't do this, or your wife doesn't want to stay w/ you, then yes, sell the house and get on with your life.

Good luck


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

bridgeman1982 said:


> *UPDATE*
> 
> I got the whole confession from her by using an oscar-winning speech and showing her wedding photos while reminding her of our vows, family and friends.
> 
> ...


I don't want to convince you that wanting out is the wrong decision, because everyone has to make it for themselves and I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. But the fact that she came clean on her own and stayed with you during a really tough time tells me that you may have something worth saving.

What was her reaction to it? Did she mention she wants to stay together? Was she willing to have NC? Or was there no talk of it because you were so adamant about their being no reconciliation?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's the worst feeling in the world. I'm glad that you had the strength to get clean and I hope you have the strength to get support so you can stay that way.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

COguy said:


> ...the fact that she came clean on her own and stayed with you during a really tough time tells me that you may have something worth saving.


I'm starting to think you're actually his wife posting as COguy.

1 - She did not come clean on her own. He had to trick her into it. I'm guessing by implying he knew more that he did.

2 - She did not "stay with him during a tough time". SHE CHECKED OUT OF THE MARRIAGE AND INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN when it got tough!

Leave her. Today. I really need to get off of this forum. I'm starting to hate all women, not just mine.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if anything the fact that she confessed instead of lying or gaslighting indicates that she wants out as well as there was no fear of losing him if he knew the truth


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> if anything the fact that she confessed instead of lying or gaslighting indicates that she wants out as well as there was no fear of losing him if he knew the truth


That could be true as well, but IMO it's worth further investigation.

MrK your response is certainly rational and understandable. I try to remain optimistic in these situations. I mean they were married, she stuck around while he was an alcoholic. There was obviously some sort of bond keeping them together during that time. There was something they both held on to instead of throwing in the towel earlier.

Most cheaters when they are confronted lie. They gaslight, trickle truth, etc until presented with evidence. She didn't do that, she came clean because her husband mentioned their vows, not because he told her he knew what was going on and that he had evidence. That's a good sign IMO (though AR brings up a possible reason for that which could be the opposite).

As for checking out, the guy was an alcoholic. That doesn't condone cheating but it certainly is an explanation. We're all human and we all screw up. I know from my wife's history how devastating it is to watch someone you love piss their life away with addiction. That's a lot to go through and some people deal with it in a poor way. She is one of those people.

If you couldn't get past something like that, I respect that decision. Personally, I would want to see if there was a true desire to heal on both sides and work on reconciling. I know how awesome that decision has turned out to be in my life, despite the tremendous work it takes and pain it entails.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just do what you need to do for yourself bridgeman, you are in a tenuous place to be just sober for a few months and have this fall in your lap


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> just do what you need to do for yourself bridgeman, you are in a tenuous place to be just sober for a few months and have this fall in your lap


Totally agree. Please do whatever you can to get support so you can stay sober during this rough period. Don't allow anything your wife did to ruin the rest of your life.


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