# On/Off Marriage



## lucky bamboo

Greetings:

I never post on forums, but do love reading intelligent people’s posts. I am impressed at how smart and non-judgmental some people are. This forum is a goldmine for those who need advice.

My story is one of cowardice, on both our parts. I have been married for 32 years, although we have only lived together probably half that time, maybe more. We get back together, separate, get back together again, on and off, etc. I had two children from a previous marriage when we married; we have two together.

Even during the times we are not living together, we are still like family, i.e., family events, holidays, weekend visits, etc. I sincerely believe we deeply love each other, but if/when we get into an argument, that’s it for the relationship. But neither will file for divorce because in all honestly, we don’t think it is the end of our relationship.

If we have an argument, and he says something hurtful, that’s it for me. I don’t let things go easily. Then, after a while, he starts begging and pleading and eventually I’ll talk to him again. Sometimes, we are apart months at a time.

The last time we were separated, we didn’t maintain constant contact. Lived in different states. He begged to get back together. I was not interested. During this time, he met a woman who met his needs, and moved in with her. After six months (one month after he moved in), she died suddenly from a stroke. He said he loved her.

We have talked, and visited, on a regular basis since that time, and realize how much we still love each other. In 32 years, I have never been with another man. I had no interest.

My question is how can two people who declare their love for each other, be so off and on again. Even though I didn’t want to be with him at the time he was with another woman, I am jealous that he loved her. I think I know the answer, it’s my ego. Even when I don’t want him, I want him to want me. Sad.

I guess I just want to hear what smart, non-judgmental people think about my situation. I would love your input. Thanks!


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## PBear

Just because two people "love" each other doesn't mean they are good for each other. Or that they have the tools to effectively deal with the conflicts and issues that arise in a relationship.

My personal thought though, is that the two of you aren't emotionally healthy. Why else would you continue to inflict such turmoil on yourselves? Maybe you'd make better friends than spouses?

C


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## SimplyAmorous

lucky bamboo said:


> My story is one of cowardice, on both our parts. I have been married for 32 years, although we have only lived together probably half that time, maybe more. We get back together, separate, get back together again, on and off, etc. I had two children from a previous marriage when we married; we have two together.
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> Even during the times we are not living together, we are still like family, i.e., family events, holidays, weekend visits, etc. I sincerely believe we deeply love each other, but if/when we get into an argument, that’s it for the relationship. But neither will file for divorce because in all honestly, we don’t think it is the end of our relationship.
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> *If we have an argument, and he says something hurtful, that’s it for me. I don’t let things go easily. Then, after a while, he starts begging and pleading and eventually I’ll talk to him again. Sometimes, we are apart months at a time*.


 Can you give us some examples of the things he speaks...that causes you to shut him out /build a brick wall .... I assume in his bad moments, in anger, he lashes out... Can I say.. .this is kinda human nature, some temperaments are more prone to do this in a weak moment - and some are more prone to STUFF (I bet you are opposites to a high degree here) ...BOTH are bad for dealing with marital conflict..... there is a much better way...
Can I say... if you are the type that NEVER speaks an unkind word when you are angry.....you are a very rare soul indeed... I know I am not that good & never will be.... and I thank the heavens above my husband is a forgiving man when I get a little pi$$ed off - or have some emotional moments of PMS... none of us are perfect...

Now deeply hurtful words spoken when we're not upset -this is almost "another animal".. this is serious...this can sear a ....much harder to swallow.... but even the BEST of marriages FIGHT... ... it is in how you deal with your conflict ....that will allow you to overcome with each other....

Taken from my  COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond  thread... on Communication *>>*



> *4.* COMMUNICATION is VITAL, the root of all that can go wrong
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> ....know how to resolve conflict !! There is more hope for a couple who fights over a couple who stuffs..... When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" my 1st question to them is...."Did you have your 1st brawl yet ?" Until you have a few of those , you simply do not know each other ! Excellent rundown on healthy communication here - Conflict is spoken here in  paragragh #5.
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> Every marraige will struggle if communication is not used Properly & unoffensively. The Art of not being Offended If one is a Silent Treatment holder, it IS emotionally abusive & RESENTMENT building. Passivity, Irresponsibility & Resulting Partner Anger
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> Be a LISTENER as well as an effective communicator of your needs, be approachable always without a scowl. Ask questions, be open, honest in all things, understanding & learn the beauty of forgiveness ....we all have weaknesses & flaws, & loose our way sometimes. Learn humility & apologize . Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
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> *Vulnerability *should be acheived -excellent 20 minute video within within 1st line of this link >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
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> *Validation* is important also: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html





> *lucky bamboo said:*
> The last time we were separated, we didn’t maintain constant contact. Lived in different states. *He begged to get back together. I was not interested. During this time, he met a woman who met his needs, and moved in with her. After six months (one month after he moved in), she died suddenly from a stroke. He said he loved her.*


 Sounds he did the best he could to reach out to you but you closed the door in his face.. repeatedly...he lost all hope, and in his weakness...he fell into the arms of another... 



> My question is how can two people who declare their love for each other, be so off and on again. Even though I didn’t want to be with him at the time he was with another woman, I am jealous that he loved her. I think I know the answer, it’s my ego. Even when I don’t want him, I want him to want me. Sad.


 When we intentionally hold grudges against someone we love, being stubborn, not being able to let go... even if we feel they deserve a little leeway, to be forgiven... we destroy ourselves and any love & connection that could have been....

Without knowing More of you & his story... how he hurts you, how you hurt him...what brings about these Silent Treatment/ "shut you out of my life" conflicts that last months at a time.... it is hard to gauge whose fault it is , what could be avoided here......but it will always take 2 willing to come together, a willing / giving communication... learning *self awareness* enough to resolve in a healthy manner... meeting each other half way. 

And when it is not healthy (which could also be the case here) learning healthy Boundaries.. 2 wonderful books here >>

*1.* Boundaries in Marriage: Books

*2*. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  


Please read this thread for a Healthy Dynamic....


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## lucky bamboo

Thank you both very much for your responses. Definitely food for thought. I will read the suggested materials. Again, thanks!


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## Mavash.

I think it's easier to cling to the familiar than to start over.

Your post was too vague to say whether this is fixable or not.

Your coping mechanism is to run which of course never solves anything.

You run, he convinces you to come back, he pisses you off, you run……lather, rinse, repeat.

Are you addicted to drama?


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