# Would you have stayed with your husband if he did not want another child?



## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

I posted a similar thread in the mens clubhouse - but am looking for opinion's from women as well. So here goes. My question - if you wanted another child, and your husband did not, would you have stayed with him? I know this question is not black and white - so here is a little background. We have one child, who has been fairly easy to raise (so far). After our child was born, I knew I wanted more children (2 more would be perfect). My husband on the other hand did not. He loves our child dearly and is a great father. However, he did not want the additional commitment more children would bring. Primary reasons were money, time commitment, stressful jobs. Well, these reasons don't hold water - we always seem to have enough money for the things he wants, I am the primary caretaker - he has been able to take time to himself, go on trips, etc, and yes at times our jobs are stressful - but no different than most other people. Once I learned of this, I did think about leaving - most likely having at least one additional child on my own; but I could not do this - I wanted my child to live in a two parent household. Each year I held on to hope that he would change his mind. Even at age 40, I was still a little hopeful. Well now, I am in my mid-40's, have spoken to a Dr. about the potential of having another child (not too likely without an egg donor and IVF). My heart is just aches. I know I let this happen - I have anger and resentment towards myself. My husband was honest with me - but I can't seem to get past the fact that I believe if he truly loved me, he would have had another child with me. He would have given me this gift. I feel like I have given him everything - working, taking care of the house (even some of the "male" responsibilities), being a good mother, wife, letting him buy his "toys", etc. And now I can't go back. I feel nothing towards him; no love. So, what are your thoughts - would you have stayed? I just feel I have wasted the past 10 years.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Answering your question straight off, yes I would have stayed. I'd rather trade in 'what I haves' rather than 'what I might have'. We have had some rough times in our marriage, indeed are in the midst of the worst right now, but my h is a great father and my kids adore him. 
That's the thing that troubles me in answering your question though - I have 2 kids. So I cannot truly say how I would have felt if we had stopped at one and I had been longing for another. We had alot of problems and many losses before the successful arrival of no 2 and at that point I said 'enough'. My h did bring up some time after that maybe trying for a third but I did not have the courage. Someday he may tell me I was wrong with that. 
I think you have to be quite clinical about this. Do you honestly want to start on the IVF route, on your own at 45? If you are going into it, talk to people who have gone through it. For all my friends who have gone through it it has been hell. Many of their relationships have been destroyed by it. 
I think you also have some other issues of resentment with your h. I can relate to that as it sounds very similar to where I've been with mine. I'm learning more and more that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is not subjective to that of my h's, good or bad. 
These are big issues you are wrestling with and I wish you strength and luck. 
I think your choice is find your way back to your marriage, work hard and enjoy a life together. Or take a gamble and leave, maybe conceive, maybe not, and ultimately face life on your own. Because there will be a point where your kids have grown and left, and it will come round faster than you think.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

A child is not a reward for good behavior and is also not a decision that is determined by the level or amount of love. And there seem to be greater issues you are not addressing. You say you are angry and resentful towards yourself, yet you don't love your husband over it. That sounds more like an untrue statement and the anger and resentment are directed at your husband.

I think it would have been unfair of him to refuse any children at all and since there is the one, I think it would be unfair of you to saddle him with more since he doesn't want any more. You made the decision not to leave based on unrealistic hopes. Now that you don't love your husband and I assume feel unhappy in your marriage, you are faced with the same decision again. I hope you make it more realistically this time and realize he as much has a right to how he feels as you do.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. I am not thinking of going the IVF route. At this age, I would be more open to adoption of a child. And - of course, my husband has no interest in that. I do have a lot of anger towards myself because of this issue but I have some anger with him - I just think his decision is very selfish. I feel like I have given everything I can in this marriage - and yet he remains selfish - our marriage/family revolves around him and his needs. Saddling him with another child? He has saddled me with plenty of thngs.

I know my happiness is not tied to him. I excel in other parts of my life - but when I walk through the door here at home, things are different. I look at every day as an opportunity to move forward - but for whatever reason, I can't. One of the difficult things for me is - my son knows I am unhappy - and this affects my parenting and our relationship. My benchmark in the marriage was to remain in it as long as this unhappiness did not negatively affect my child. I am trying but more often lately, I feel like I am failing.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

If he can be considered selfish for not giving you another child - then you can be considered selfish for wanting to make him have another when he doesn't want to.

What did he saddle you with that you couldn't of walked away from if you had really hated it so much and it was that awful? A child isn't something - if he's a good man - he can walk away from - its his like it or not for at least the next 18 years.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Refusing to understand means you prefer living an angry, unhappy life. I hope that makes you happy.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It sounds like maybe some more communication was needed here, before the child conception process started. This is one of those things that should be discussed, preferably before marriage, but at least before starting to have children, so that a couple can figure out where they each stand and if it will work with how they feel. When I married my ex, I told him up front I wanted at least 2 kids, and he agreed to that. Our marriage ended for other reasons, but I got 2 kids. When I met my boyfriend, I'd already had my tubes tied and I was very upfront with him about the fact that I could not have any more children. This gave him the option to decide that having children on his own was important and leave me to find someone who could do that, if he wanted. He has stayed with me, knowing full well we will never have a child together, and he loves me enough that he feels that it's a worthwhile trade off. 

I can't honestly say if I would stay with a husband who didn't want more kids when I did or not. I've never been faced with that situation. I think I *probably* would not. I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mother. And I was an only child myself, and knew that I didn't want to have just one child. There's nothing wrong with being an only, I was actually quite spoiled and found it great fun, but still...I knew I wanted more than one. 

But whether or not we would have stayed is not the point. You stayed...and here you are. Honestly, I don't want to sound harsh, but I think you hold most of the blame here for your unhappiness. He made it clear to you how he felt. You stayed, on the hope that he might change his mind. And when he didn't, now you blame him. It's not his fault. He made clear how he felt and you chose not to listen. If you don't listen to what someone tells you, then it's not their fault you're not happy. 

If you'd come in here saying you wanted another kid, he said he did too, and then you found out that he had a vasectomy or was slipping birth control pills in your coffee, or somehow using a condom without your knowledge, that would be different. That's deception, and I could see resenting him for that. But he never deceived you. He was honest from when you first brought it up. 

At this point, if you still really want a child that desperately, then it appears your option is to leave him and find someone else or go it alone. Otherwise, accept that you will not have another child and enjoy the one you have.


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## gypsysouls (Jul 30, 2010)

i do not believe he is being selfish by not wanting to have another child with you - he told you from the start he only wanted one (which you wrote in the mens lounge post). i do not believe that it shows he loves you any less.

you went into the marriage knowing what each other wanted honestly and accepted that. at any age ivf is very tough, not a route you want to do by yourself. enjoy your beautiful child and loving honest husband - not everyone is blessed to have both.

you cant resent him or be angry at him for being consistently honest with you. 

you wrote, 'My husband was honest with me - but I can't seem to get past the fact that I believe if he truly loved me, he would have had another child with me. He would have given me this gift. I feel like I have given him everything - working, taking care of the house (even some of the "male" responsibilities), being a good mother, wife, letting him buy his "toys", etc. And now I can't go back. I feel nothing towards him; no love.'

a child isnt a toy or a new car or a gift someone gives you - its a life you both decide to bring into the world, a life you both raise and have responsibility for - it really sounds like you are being very selfish and almost childish about how you are feeling about this.

i would have had a conversation with him about it to tell him how i felt and tried to move forward. i would have stayed and enjoyed the loving honest husband and beautiful child that i already had - instead of feeling resentful because i didnt get my own way.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for your responses. Just some thoughts and a little bit more background. I believe it would have been selfish of me to "accidently" get pregnant knowing he did not want another child. I chose not to go this route because I do respect his position; though I do not understand it. I believe I have been very unselfish throughout our marriage. To answer your question about what he has saddled me with - we have a 4 car garage with 3 stalls occupied by boats, snowmobiles, motorcycles, and other "boy" toys. All of which I do not have much interest in; not my choice to have them -but I know these activities are what he enjoys. So rather than saddling him with an 18 plus year commitment to a child, I have been saddled with an 18 plus year commitment to debt to pay off these things. I know - my fault. I would not walk away because of my only child. So the money issue for him is a selfish excuse.

I do also think of my child - and the opportunity he has not been given to be a sibling and have that long lasting relationship - to have family after we leave this world. Sounds corny. In reality, I know siblings fight and some do not get along or communicate with each other when they are adults (as in my husbands case), but I do cherish the fact that I have siblings who are there for me when needed and have good relationships with. Unfortunately, there are no cousins that live near us.

Sorry Susan2010 - I do not understand your comment "refusing to understand" I am not refusing to understand, I am trying to understand so I can move forward. When I have spoken to him about this - I just get the same answer. He is not interested because of money, commitment, etc. For some reason I believe his excuses are superficial. I can't help to think that it has to be something to do with me and/or our relationship. Looking out my window, at other families with 2 and 3 kids, I just wonder why.

I agree that I do need to look forward, not dwell on the past and focus on what I have in front of me. It is just hard sometimes.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Refusing to understand means you prefer living an angry, unhappy life. I hope that makes you happy.


Susan- I have a unrelated question for you about the idea of refusing to understand. It's totally off topic... so I feel bad posting here.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

skitown-

after reading through all of this and it's responses I am as dumbfounded about this topic as I was to begin with. To be quite honest I don't know what I would do in your situation. Simply I do get your points and they are very valid. His... not so much. But you're right getting pregnant without his knowledge would have been selfish but if you were thinking about leaving... maybe doing that would have been a route to go, and then leaving anyway may have been the result. At least then, you would still have gotten what you felt was necessary. Maybe he would have come around to the idea eventually and if not... it would have ended the same. But I am neither professional, nor mother. So I don't think my advice is all that good. For me though, children are important, and to just brush the topic under the rug with excuses the way he has done was wrong. You're drive to be a mother should have been recognized and honored. It's a beautiful thing, and far be it for any man to put a price tag on it.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

I just feel like I have given everything I can, yet - the one thing I wanted - he was not willing to give. The thing is - he loves his son dearly and is such a good father. 

There are other issues, but this is the big one for me.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

skitown said:


> I just feel like I have given everything I can, yet - the one thing I wanted - he was not willing to give. The thing is - he loves his son dearly and is such a good father.
> 
> There are other issues, but this is the big one for me.


There is one thing you both could give a little more of: acceptance.


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