# Letter or talk?



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Ladies, picture you're married to a man that is more communicative than yourself, wants to have a close relationship, wants to spend time with you, and basically wants his friend (wife) back. That's me. I admit it, lately all that is on my mind is relationship crap and trying to work on our marriage. Because it sucks right now.

And you are a hard-working, own your own business, help every friend under the sun as you can, loyal to your children & friends, find it hard to communicate, not interested in sex, very defensive at times, and spend large amounts of "quality time" at home with hubs and kids, on your phone, or internet texting, pinning, facebook, ordering things for business/doing work stuff.

Now here is my question. I want to let her know about some more things that are on my mind. I'm not happy with the situation we are in right now. We just had a fight on Mar 2 and then I went home and asked her to talk. We had a good talk and got some things out there. But I've really had enough with the lack of interaction at home. It's really weighing on my mind.
I've done the "I" statement talk, just after that last fight. In which I expressed my feelings in a non-blaming manner. But I'm to the point now where I need to make the next talk about her. I need to let her know all the things that she is doing that is hurting me. Calmly, respectfully, and in a talking tone... but it needs to be done I think. Can I write this in a letter and give it to her??? (because I think she is so sick of me saying "hun, we have to talk... and then I need to write it out and read it to her anyway because I want to make sure I remember everything.. and she probably is sick of having this talk). Or will she look at me as weak if I don't just talk to her about it and let her read it? Some of the things I want to say to her she is not going to like to hear. But the truth hurts.

Also, I know threatening separation from her is not a good way to get her to change behavior and get what I want. But I feel that I need to let her know that if the relationship keeps going like this that its not going to work out and we might need to separate. How can I get that across without threatening it?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If it were me, I'd write a letter. However, I'd be as positive as possible. It's clear that she doesn't want to talk about what you need to say if she already shot you down.

I know you have some major issues to be addressed. I personally wouldn't like a letter that is all negatives.

Write what you love/like about her, then say what you need to say. Writing everything negative will look like your pointing a finger at her telling her it's all her fault. That's not a good feeling. Let her know everything you appreciate that she does, even if it's simple like keeping the house in order or looking after the children.

I never directly hand my husband letters. I put them by his bedside or in the master bathroom. I will write the letter and read it a day or two later to make sure I said what I needed to say. We don't have communication issues either and I've always remained positive.

I don't sweat the small things that are annoying, like not picking up after yourself. I'll just pick it up myself. I call that picking. I do not pick and my husband doesn't pick either.

Anyways, this is what I would do.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

A letter can be good because it gives you a chance to say everything you want to say without being interrupted.

It will help to get it all off your chest. But after writing it, definitely leave it a day or two to re-read before giving it to her. Some things look different the next day. The first draft will be all your jumbled thoughts. So take some time to go back and re-do any wording or tones.

Personally I prefer talking it out, unless we are in a place where we can't do that and I want to get it all out. But if you feel you can't talk to her right now, as in how much she doesn't want to interact, then by all means a letter is a good idea.

Remember the most important thing about letter writing: whatever you write down, is now down on paper forever.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm a letter writer myself... I feel just writing things out gives people clarity, insight into your own demons, and what you need ...from the other person... be very sure to take your time , and capture all you have been bottling up ...in a way that she can hear you, that it may penetrate - without offense..hopefully....as that can never be guarenteed. 

You want to make very sure you praise her for the good she does, IS, what you love, take a little walk down memory lane -bring up memories you have shared..... use those as to what you are missing in the relationship now, how you miss her, you want the 'US" back. 

Also be humble of your own shortcomings in such a letter, how you have failed over the years ......you want the words in that letter to represent your heart ... and also this truth that hurts, so she understands this is a not something that can be overlooked anymore, this is Important to you, your happiness ... therefore the future of the marraige.

I would find a special place, with no interruptions possible, and read it back to her, looking her in the eyes- as you speak. 

If a woman can not be moved by that, I think there is something wrong with her, but that is just my opinion. We are surely not all the same. Many men would suggest getting "No More Mr Nice guy" and not saying anything -just changing your behavior. Cause true, some women may find it "weak". I am not one of those women -therefore -this is my opinion.

Only you can gauge what type your wife is.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would find a special place, with no interruptions possible, and read it back to her, looking her in the eyes- as you speak.



You would suggest I read it aloud to her? My feeling was that yes that will get the point across, but I think she may be tiring of that approach. I just did that last week. But it didn't really have much talk about what she is doing (not doing) that hurts me. It was more about how I feel, but didn't really express how her behavior makes me feel those ways.

Will her reading it to herself on her own time make the same impact? I was sort of hoping that she could just read it and then respond by either opening up and talking about it, or starting to change behavior patterns on her own instead of me reading it to her and maybe her crying again cause she feels like a bad wife and nothing really changing. I want her to really think about what I'm saying. And ultimately tell me, in words, or behavior how important the marriage is to her.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I would let her read it by herself, but be around so if she has any questions/gets angry etc she doesn't stay with that and shut you out with silence. Then you'll never know what she thought.

I would give it to her and say you'd like to talk to her about it when she is ready. The backfiring of letters and not face to face (which is a good idea by SA if you think your wife will actually listen) is that you don't automatically get a reaction. Sometimes you won't for days until you ask.

I would write it, give it to her, and if all else fails at least you know you got everything off your chest you wanted to say and she knows how you feel.

Counselling together might also be a very good option to be able to talk out your issues.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

MAEPT10 said:


> You would suggest I read it aloud to her? My feeling was that yes that will get the point across, but I think she may be tiring of that approach. I just did that last week. But it didn't really have much talk about what she is doing (not doing) that hurts me. It was more about how I feel, but didn't really express how her behavior makes me feel those ways.
> 
> Will her reading it to herself on her own time make the same impact? I was sort of hoping that she could just read it and then respond by either opening up and talking about it, or starting to change behavior patterns on her own instead of me reading it to her and maybe her crying again cause she feels like a bad wife and nothing really changing. I want her to really think about what I'm saying. And ultimately tell me, in words, or behavior how important the marriage is to her.



I would let her read the letter by herself. If you're going to read the letter to her you might as well have a face to face talk. Allow her the privacy to read the letter. Your letter which I think will be pretty long will stir up emotions in her. You want her to think about what you're saying. If you're reading it then she's more likely to think of a retort to defend herself rather than really processing what's being said. 

The beauty of sending a letter or even an email is that the recipient can go over a line or section several times to gain clarity. In a face to face discussion we don't have the same option of pausing and reflecting.

End the letter on a high note. Maybe you can encourage her to write a letter to you too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ignore me MAEPT10...It sounds you feel the best approach is to give her time and let her read it on her own... by herself... so yes ....do that, it will allow her to process all that you have laid down before her ...it can allow "time", even tears on her own ...and hopefully she will come to you, sit you down and respond in a loving manner. I think the hardest thing would be if... you go through all of this... and she lets it fall by the wayside...some people avoid like the plague and that would be another rejection. 

She wouldn't do that to you, would she? 

I probably suggested the reading to her - because it is the way I handle such things...(and would want to receive if I was the wife)....but that by no means it is the best option...

For me, it has always been a pleasant experience, emotional ...but very good. But my husband is not your wife ! And my letters were of a different nature anyway. Not so much about issues, but "Wow, we've come a long way baby " -more of an inspiring uplifting message -that no matter what comes, I am right by your side type thing... I have hurt him in the past, and my messages were of a reassuring nature -that such things will never happen again. 

I hope your wife can come through like that for you, if /when she gets a handle on how she is hurting you deeply.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you should write a letter. I don't think you should put any ultimatums in it. I think you should be positive, if possible, ad pro-solution rather than pro-blame. Letters can sound really accusatory so be very careful and sit on it for at least a day or two before sending it to her. Tell her that there are some things going on in your relationship that are bothering you and that you want her to know how you feel and that you would like her to address your concerns. Tell her that you don't want her to feel badgered, harassed, or put on the spot which is why you have chosen to write instead of saying yet again "we need to talk". Tell her you want her to think about this for a day or so before she responds and that you would like to hear a response from her, so you would like to schedule a talk about these issues so that she doesn't feel ambushed. 

Send her the letter. Let her know you want her to tell you when she would like to talk about these issues (or if she would rather write them to you, instead). Then, have that talk. AND, schedule a marriage counseling session. Tell her you've done so and that you want her to participate because you are trying to solve the problem, not complain or gripe at her about how it's all her fault (people feel attacked sometimes, when they are having difficulty seeing that their behavior is problematic).

Be kind, compassionate and loving. Remind her, in your letter, of all the good things you love about her and your marriage and why you are taking this step to improve it. 

I also think that if you're having such trouble communicating, you guys need to take some time to figure out how to talk to each other again. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your wife about a problem. That is something that needs to be addressed.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Well this all sounds well and good. But one major issue is that now I've been asked to spend a few nights out of the house. I didn't cheat on her or anything and I didn't hit her or anything. She says she needs time for quiet time for her and her thoughts. She says she doesn't want her love for me to be clouded by all the other terrible things going on in her life and have the emotions for that stuff cloud her love for me. (She is emotional and concerned and frightened for her daughter who has made accusations of sexual abuse on her real dad). I'm obviously still expected to do my duties at our place for the kids as usual, but she would like that when she gets home from work and the kids are in bed that I leave. So today I woke up with not a place to sleep tonight. I have made a couple calls to friends and left messages but its really tough to do.

I'm done here. I'm heading off of TAM. She hated hated hated the idea that I go on here and get ideas from other people who's marriages are f**ked up and try to push them on her. So I do not want to even see this website again. 

I'm tired of writing, I'm tired of it all. I'm done. 

Thanks so much to everyone that has helped me (i guess). I don't know if I was helped or if I just found out about how many many other people lived and I wanted that for me. Or how many many other people fixed their relationships and I wanted that for me. Or if by talking on here so much I found a hate and resentment for my wife. I hope I can lose that resentment someday, God willing, and not be so angry. But maybe that all started here. Maybe I shouldn't have come here in the first place.

Peace, I'm out.


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## koolasma (Mar 11, 2012)

A letter can be good because it gives you a chance to say everything you want to say without being interrupted.
Be kind, compassionate and loving. Remind her, in your letter, of all the good things you love about her and your marriage and why you are taking this step to improve it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maep--you sound like me in my marriage. It is exhausting being the one to try all the time and being met with a wall.

It's not "weak" to want to strengthen your marriage at all so don't think that for a second.

Write her a letter. get it out there. Express how you feel. That you want more communication/interaction/closeness/intimacy in your marriage. How you feel when you're not getting it. That you love her. That you want these things.

Suggest marriage counselling to her. 

I don't get why she's telling you to leave the house. That is wrong on so many levels. You're her husband.

Is she seeing someone?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

My husband is not a communicator either, so having long talks just goes over his head and I think he zones out and doesn't hear me anyway. A letter is a good way to get your feelings out. But it is tricky, you gotta make sure you don't throw out accusations.

It sounds like your wife is so busy, will she even take the time to read the letter? She needs to slow down and appreciate the people who love her. Facebook can wait! She better be careful because you may emotionally disconnect to avoid the pain of neglect and then neither of you will communicate.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry to be a little late to the party on this one but I have often used written communication to try and carefully choose my words and express my feelings accurately to my wife and it hasn't always worked!

My wife has come back at me (also in writing) and twisted my written words to the point that I found myself re-reading what I wrote and saying to myself "How the F*ck did she get that from that sentence?"

Whatever road you choose, be very careful and good luck!


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## annie2 (Apr 3, 2012)

talk is for women letter for girls


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He's gone from this forum since more than 2 weeks ago.

Maept left the No More Mr Nice Guy forums a while ago too, due to getting the same advice and then never doing any of it. He is deathly afraid of his wife and what she thinks of him. He is unable to stand up for himself or set any boundaries whatsoever. He believes to his core that if he is just Nicer to her she will return the Nice by being a loving wife.

In reality his wife is most likely a cheater who is using him and was stringing him along. She is abusing his Niceness. She has told him in no uncertain terms that she needs her space and she wants him to move out. She has said she doesn't want to discuss the marriage at all. She has shown her contempt for his feelings and his desires. She has abused any normal boundaries because Maept will not set or enforce any boundaries for himself.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

HI Thor from Judith 

I am sorry it happen to him etc. I remember him struggling with his wife etc. IT is hard for some guys to let go and let her be and heal. You all men want to fix it and he wants to do it the way he knows to fix it. 

I hope he comes back. I was .... thinking about him etc and wondering what had happen to him and his situation. 

I have been told I talk like a professional from another support group online for sexual abuse victims and I am not but I have been around professionals and must have picked up on their skills even though I am that type of person. 

MAEPT


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

By MAEPT name it is supposed to show a sad face from the bottom of the list


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