# Is this weird?



## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I've been dating a man for a little over a year. Almost every time I initiate, I get shot down. We still have plenty of sex. Just not when I initiate. Last week I was on my period so we didn't have sex for about 4 days even though he spent the night every one of those nights. So my cycle finishes and that night I initiate. He lays there telling me that since we haven't done it in a few days he's gone "dormant". That he just hasn't been thinking about it. I keep trying to get him in the mood and while it appears to be working physically, he keeps saying that he's not going to be able to get off. That it'll just be me that gets anything out of it, etc. 

Well that shot the mood for me real quick! We talked about it some after that and seemed to talk it out. So last night I initiate again and he doesn't shoot me down this time but after I go, he tells me that he's not going to be able to go and that's the end. 

Now before you ask. He's in his mid-30s, in great shape, works out with heavy weights several times a week. I don't think he's into porn as we've talked about it before. Even when he initiates, he sometimes has difficulty getting off and will take a while. 

So is this weird? It's kinda frustrating me because I don't want to just "use" him for sex when he's not feeling it but I've never dated a man that wasn't all over a woman initiating things, whether he was in the mood or not he got there real quick.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

He could be in need of some (genuine) compliments, subtly given. As male sex-drive is connected to Ego, I suggest thinking back over the times he has initiated sex and look for a connection between him achieving something, or you expressing admiration, and his sex drive magically popping up within a few hours or the next day.

Stress at work can also remove interest.

Just some ideas. I imagine it has nothing to do with you, nor do I imagine that you are doing something wrong.

The use of the word 'dormant' is where my suggestion took it's origin, that it's ego/stress related. For example, do you earn more than him, is he falling behind you in some way?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

whattoskiddo.

It IS odd that he doesn't like to initiate. Most men I would venture to say are thrilled with their women initiating. I know I am. I'm married to a high drive lady and I'm medium drive so I try to accomodate her as often as possible.

From what you describe though, he sound a bit of a control freak.
sounds like he's got a 'macho' thing going on that he has to be the one or else nothing. I may be overly judging him though without more information. Tell us more about this guy and if he's a control freak or not.

best wishes


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I don't think he's a control freak. Honestly, I think he's a bit lazy and selfish. If he's not in the mood to do something, then he doesn't want to do it. He tells me how he tries to think about me and keep me happy and to some extent he does. 

He's not terribly affectionate. A lot of the time when we're kissing casually (just a quick kiss hello or something) he turns to the side and I get a sideways kiss instead of full on lips. He'll hold hands when we walk and put his arm around me when we're sitting. Me one the other hand, I can't keep my hands off him at times and that seems to bug him some.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he is showing you a glimps of the real person he is. If this is a problem for you then you need to move on. most likley this will only get worse the longer your with him.

there it is in black and white! don't be one of the fools that thinks this will change because if he really loved you he would make an effort to change for you.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> he is showing you a glimps of the real person he is. If this is a problem for you then you need to move on. most likley this will only get worse the longer your with him.
> 
> there it is in black and white! don't be one of the fools that thinks this will change because if he really loved you he would make an effort to change for you.


And I know you are SO right chillymorn!! I've had my reservations about this relationship for a while now but just can't seem to end it for some reason. At this point, I guess I've felt like it's been somewhat pleasant but that the long term prospects aren't that great. I know it's going to hurt him and I don't look forward to doing that.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ok, so he's probably not a control freak but 'selfish and lazy' are just as bad or worse.

I'm sure you know, selflessness and caring and willing to work to please your partner are absolutely essential for a long term relationship or marriage.

So I would say without further information, it sounds like this guy really turns you on, but he's not long term material definitely.
So maybe just enjoy from him what you can for now but be thinking of moving on long term.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

whattodoskidoo said:


> I don't think he's a control freak. Honestly, I think he's a bit lazy and selfish. If he's not in the mood to do something, then he doesn't want to do it. He tells me how he tries to think about me and keep me happy and to some extent he does.
> 
> He's not terribly affectionate. A lot of the time when we're kissing casually (just a quick kiss hello or something) he turns to the side and I get a sideways kiss instead of full on lips. He'll hold hands when we walk and put his arm around me when we're sitting. Me one the other hand, I can't keep my hands off him at times and that seems to bug him some.


It would bug me too. Some men such as myself don't like to be messed with all the time.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. 

In my case, it's the way I was raised, to not be all touchy feely all the time.

You can choose to listen to Jorge and take it as a sign "he's not into you" and over-analyse everything, 

or you can see the upside: he's one of the few modern men who won't be so responsive to advances from other women, in the years down the lane.

Men who show a lot of affection publicly are typically easy lays.

Loyalty runs deep, not on the surface.

Anyroad, good luck.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

As a HD I still have to wonder if he is secretly masturbating and thus unable to complete the deal except for his chosen times. 

On the other hand that is probably just my suspicious nature.

Maybe Chillymorn is right he is just low drive and will most likely just go lower the longer the relationship lasts.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm not even necessarily talking public displays of affection. And I'm certainly not all over him all the time. I just feel like my advances are always shot down which frustrates me but he's perfectly happy because his advances are never shot down. He'll say something like "well maybe I'm just getting older and it's just not as important as it was several years ago". He's 34!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

whattodoskidoo said:


> And I know you are SO right chillymorn!! I've had my reservations about this relationship for a while now but just can't seem to end it for some reason. At this point, I guess I've felt like it's been somewhat pleasant but that the long term prospects aren't that great. I know it's going to hurt him and I don't look forward to doing that.


It's only going to hurt more as time goes on. Dating is the time to see if you're compatible. Not necessarily a time to see if you can mold the other person into acceptable behavior. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the bottom line is your only dating.and hes not meeting your need for sex. he is also not really conserned about it by mimimising your concerns by being cavilear about it when you bring up the subject.

is this attractive to you. do you want to be with a man like this? 

there are plenty of fish in the sea. and you sound like a keeper I would sugest you set the bar a little higher.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Maybe he's got ED and can only perform after taking pills, but doesn't want to tell you.


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## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

whattodoskidoo said:


> And I know you are SO right chillymorn!! I've had my reservations about this relationship for a while now but just can't seem to end it for some reason. At this point, I guess I've felt like it's been somewhat pleasant but that the long term prospects aren't that great. I know it's going to hurt him and I don't look forward to doing that.


I agree the longer it goes on the worse it is going to get. My husband has always declined when I initiate. We have been married 32 years and our sex life is dismal. It did not start out that way. Don't marry someone who doesn't satisfy you sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Does he take steroids for his lifting?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

No he doesn't take steroids though he has in the past. He definitely doesn't have ED. He says he just doesn't think about it sometimes. I've never been wth a man who couldn't get in the mood real quick, even if he wasn't a minute ago, when I initiate. It's just frustrating to me at times. Our sex is great when we have it and we really do have it on a frequent basis. Just not if I initiate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

For whatever reason he does it, maybe you need to initiate in a more subtle manner. Hand on leg or neck. A kiss that may linger longer. Walking around naked (OK, that's not subtle but you get the idea).


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

[B said:


> usmarriedguy[/B];7071769*]As a HD I still have to wonder if he is secretly masturbating and thus unable to complete the deal except for his chosen times.
> *
> On the other hand that is probably just my suspicious nature.
> 
> Maybe Chillymorn is right he is just low drive and will most likely just go lower the longer the relationship lasts.


This was my first thought too.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Our conversation is very open about masturbating. There have been times when we get to see each other and he didn't think we were going to and will tell me that he doesn't know if he can finish because he played that morning since he thought we weren't going to see each other. 

But this is different. We had spent the previous 4 days and nights together. There had been no playing that I was aware of (and I usually sit in the bathroom and talk to him while he bathes) and no sex. Why wasn't he raring to go after 4 days AND me initiating??


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yeah at 34, he should be all over you. I did, I'm HD anyway. So at 43, I haven't changed at all and to be honest don't want to be LD. I love it when a chick initiates every now and again, but I do like to chase. Sounds like other issues, roids, self esteem....


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I suppose he could have some sort of psychological problem that turns him off to a woman who initiates?

When he is left to initiate only, does he ever initiate sooner than 4 days?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Hmmm I don't know. I've never let it to that long if we're together lol. If he turns me down, we talk, he feels bad and initiates the next day. Lol. Maybe it just is as simple as a mismatched libido. I could do it every day, at least every day we're together and he says sometimes it's too much work??? Sometimes it does seen to take him a long time to get off and he says he doesn't know why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Maybe you should try not initiating for a while and see how often he will on his own -that might give you some idea how often he is truly interested in sex and not just doing it because you want to.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I guess I could try that, though it'll be difficult for me. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Still better to find out what his sex drive is now than after you are married.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Definitely! And at this point, I have no intention of marrying in the near or slightly distant future!! 

He makes comments that I just find weird at times. Things have been better the last few days. He initiated early AM today. Last night we were talking about it and he said our sex lives would be fine as long as his equipment was working?? WTH does that mean? He's still young, in good shape, is he planning on it not working for some reason?

It concerns me that at times it takes a while to get him off and then sometimes he'll say that was a lot of work. Is it going to get to a point where he thinks it's too much work so why bother?

On the one hand, I don't want to spend a long time with this relationship if it's not going to work. I'm a little bit older than him and don't want to waste time if it's just not going to work ya know.


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