# Wife's new "family"



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

My wife is 4 months pregnant with her affair's partner's child. They had an affair and sex but were too stupid to use protection. She moved into her own house in May and our son will be staying with her during the school week and me on weekends. She has some sort of relationship with her partner still but everything is not happy. My wife is miserable and depressed due to the mistakes she made. She broke up her family and financially she is not doing well because she is an entrepreneur but also looks for regular jobs during slow times, but no one will hire her after noticing she is pregnant. This other guy has several kids with multiple women. Two of the kids, ages 18 and 20, stay with my wife from time to time as does this guy. I had a chance to meet the other kids when I dropped my son off but refused to go into the house. My wife was supposed to introduce me to the guy before he started spending time around my son but this meeting never happened, and probably for the best. I told her for now I have no desire to be around her, this guy, or his kids. The last time I was around her I felt extremely tense about the betrayal. She is extremely remorseful about the damage she has caused but still continues to live her life with this other guy and his kids. Even if they aren't a couple, she will be forever tied to these people due to the baby. 

At some point I am going to want to visit my son without having to request that these people not be around. Even though my wife committed adultery and continues to live in it, I can't make demands about what she does in her house. She doesn't want me to be forever angry because she does want to pick up the pieces that are left and still have some sort of family life after enough time has passed for tension and anger to die down. Family life means being able to spend time at each other's houses for special occasions and holidays without there being any issues.

For anyone else who has been in this situation, how long does it take for the anger to subside? I feel that if I were around this guy my pride/ego couldn't take his presence and I would feel he would also have his own ego about stealing my wife. I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with these other people but I don't want to have tension and anger if visiting my son requires that I be in their presence.

I'm not sure if I can control the tension by simple choice. I went to a welcome home event after her grandmother was released from the hospital. Her family has always been nice to me and only a few knew what was going on. But a feeling of great tension gripped me suddenly. I had to leave after maybe an hour.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @knight185 ~ that situation you're in sounds like the proverbial "crap sandwich!"

My heart literally goes out to you! Regarding your angry feelings about it, I cannot blame you one damned bit!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your going to end up at school events, things like that where you'll both attend but going to events at each other's house and still being involved with her family is highly unlikely to ever work out long term. Any event or gathering is always going to have some tension not only for you but other family members.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

My brother was/is in something similar with his ex for the last 20 years. he will not be near her again and will not attend anything she is present at. Their three girls now in their 20 & 30 have acted as the go betweens and help keep them apart. My sense in talking to my nieces is that division of events has been fair to all.

I would not say my brother is still bitter he just wants no contact with his ex. My 2 cents that I have kept to myself is that each was a “screw up” in that relationship; I love my brother and his girls, and for the sake of all I have remained friendly with his ex. I was not involved in their splitting, and she is the mother of my three nieces. I wanted to remain in their lives, so I choose not to take sides.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cut contact to the furthest degree possible.

No spending time together or any of that bull****.

Read up on and implement the 180.

What's the status on the divorce?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Most divorced people I know, myself included, had separate holidays, did separate parties for birthdays/ graduations and sat separately at school/sporting events. No one went to in-law events unless they were particularly close to the honoree.

The reality is your STBXW is no longer your family.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

knight185 said:


> My wife is 4 months pregnant with her affair's partner's child. They had an affair and sex but were too stupid to use protection. She moved into her own house in May and our son will be staying with her during the school week and me on weekends. She has some sort of relationship with her partner still but everything is not happy. My wife is miserable and depressed due to the mistakes she made. She broke up her family and financially she is not doing well because she is an entrepreneur but also looks for regular jobs during slow times, but no one will hire her after noticing she is pregnant. This other guy has several kids with multiple women. Two of the kids, ages 18 and 20, stay with my wife from time to time as does this guy. I had a chance to meet the other kids when I dropped my son off but refused to go into the house. My wife was supposed to introduce me to the guy before he started spending time around my son but this meeting never happened, and probably for the best. I told her for now I have no desire to be around her, this guy, or his kids. The last time I was around her I felt extremely tense about the betrayal. *She is extremely remorseful about the damage she has caused but still continues to live her life with this other guy and his kids.* Even if they aren't a couple, she will be forever tied to these people due to the baby.
> 
> You're in denial. She's not having remourse. Good god, man!!!
> 
> ...


Cut them out and start your own life because that's the only way you'll have one.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hey Knight, I have been following your story since your first post, and sincerely sorry your here to even begin with, that said, your wife or ex-wife has basically made her bed in the sense that she knows she screwed up but that she has no choice but create a home where one did not exist previously with the remnants of shattered dreams. is it ideal? ..no not by a long shot, but it is her perception of self-preservation that actively manages to create something of a family...in some small way she is trying to legalize her life, a process of nesting before the baby comes. of course the only connection you have to that family now is the shared custody of your son. One day you too might create a family with another, and your son may have to share you with other children who may or not be part of you.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

My husband has been separated from his ExW since early 2009. 

We do attend the parties she throws for the kids, and she attends the ones we throw. That's it.
He will not go into her house even to use the toilet, even if she isn't there. She has been in our house when he is not around but won't when he is.

They cannot stand each other. Him because she lied and cheated and took everything in the divorce. Her because he moved on and is happy. 

The kids are old enough to get that they don't like each other but will work together for their sakes, and they are ok with that as they have people they don't get along with too.

It was sad when they were younger though 

I met him in 2012 and he had his own business and saw the kids once a week at swimming. We quickly established a parenting agreement and have them about 40% of the time now.

I get along okay with ExW but we (she and I, she and him) will never be friends. Me and her because we are too different, him and her because their is too much crap.

Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Wife's new &amp;amp;quot;family&amp;amp;quot;*

Your wife fired you (her original "family") long ago. She has to live with that, without your presence. 

You do not have to do anything you don't want to. She's entitled to see your son. You're entitled to see your son. I urge you to not pretend in front of him like you're still some kind of family unit. You are not and it will confuse him. You coparent now. 

Best employ the 180 in all things except when it comes to negotiating business regarding your son. Unfortunately, you can only go so far to influence what happens when he's with your stbx.

If you're not divorced yet, why not? You can't begin to move on until then. You can still be a great father to your son.

Eta: just read up about your divorce settlement. How are things going?

Eta x2: You really need to learn to detach from her. You're still far too emotionally invested and she will use that to her advantage. I quote a previous post of mine for emphasis :



Satya said:


> @knight185, not to put too fine a point on it, but she should already be in the pile called, "not my problem anymore." She's an adult and responsible for her own choices in life. Was she ever alone, without a man to support her (emotionally or otherwise) for any stretch of time in her life? If not, that's pretty telling.
> 
> It's not your job to save her. She's likely pregnant and scared because deep down she knows her AP won't step up to play the role she desperately needs. You were more dependable, the person who was grounded, so of course she's sending out feelers.
> 
> ...


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