# I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective



## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

Hi everyone

As I am new here (I promise to post an introduction in a bit) but I am having an issue in my marriage that I realize may not have any easy or quick answers.

First, some background: I have severe ankle/knee/back pain from a past car accident several years ago and I have also been sexually abused. I married my husband 6 years ago (we met online in a Chat room and he moved to the US from overseas). I also have severe breathing issues/COPD so sex has always been a difficult thing for me physically and emotionally. He and I are both 32 years old and he and I had never been sexually active with anyone (even though I was raped). 

Anyway, things were okay for the first week or so of marriage and then massive trust was lost. I have trust issues as it is due to past abuse & sexual abuse. The first thing that got me was on our honeymoon night he said: "I love F* you". I have never liked that word and find it extremely disrespectful so that was a definite turn off for me and sex stopped on the spot. 

The next day, I was having a breathing episode and he kept asking for me to give him oral sex. I explained that I didn't think I could handle it with my lungs but he literally threw a fit and insisted on it, so I gave in. The end result of that was a trip to the ER for a severe asthma attack. I was still not feeling very well that evening when I got home and again he insisted on sex. I said I just did not feel like it because I was still getting over my asthma attack. He took our family Bible, opened up to the passage on not withholding sex and said: "I own your body you can't say no". This was 6 years ago, we have had sex maybe 4 times since then.

I just hate sex because I think the trust is lost there. The few times we have had sex when I say something is hurting and to STOP he would not stop. It was like he was a bull in a china shop with a one track mind. There are a couple of physical issues going on, one thing is our size (I am a pretty large woman and he is a smaller/average guy), but also he has a huge hump on his chest from rods in his spine/scoliosis so there is physical crushing pain when he is on top, and me being on top won't work because of pressure on my knees and severe pain.

I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it. I know men have that need (though I wonder how they survive if they aren't married or able to get sex), but I just have no desire. I know it's likely a combination of factors and trust is a big one. He has lied to me a lot over the years and we are still rebuilding trust. Also, he is still learning to trust me again because I've been involved in an emotional affair with somebody.

We are in counseling and physical problems for not enjoying sex have been ruled out. We just seem to peacefully coexist, sexually. He masturbates when he needs to and I'm okay with it. I fight against the command in the Bible (we are strong Christians) and I feel guilty every time I say "no" to sex. When it gets bad enough and he gets demanding enough, or the guilt gets strong enough I just cave in to get him off my back and suck it up.

Thanks everyone
Karson


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You are a selective christian not a strong christian. Anyway the answer is you both aren't marriage material. Let him go and you'll both be happier once the initial pain wears off. Then look for someone compatible. 


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Could you please share what is good in your marriage?

It would be nice to understand where you balance.


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## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Could you please share what is good in your marriage?
> 
> It would be nice to understand where you balance.


There is a lot of good. We do come together in our faith, interests and likes/dislikes.

We also have fun together, and we work well as a team when approaching problems. I just don't see that divorce is an option even if the marriage was a mistake, Love is a choice.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

How often have you had a frank discussion about sex, boundaries and the like? Does he know about your past abuse? Have you talked about the trust issues?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A lot going on here. 

I'm sorry you were abused - that can have a lasting impact on your perception of sex. Have you seen a therapist to help recover from your abuse.

For many people sex is vital to a happy relationship. 

Pressuring someone for sex is not OK, especially if it is causing them physical issues. 

The above two together are why sexual compatibility is important in a relationship - if there is too much of a gap in interest than you can't be happy together.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sounds to me like you have been raped 5 times. once before you were married and now 4 times by the guy you married (I'm not going to use the term husband). 

This is why I do not believe in waiting until marriage. 

You two are not compatible. 

It's not that you hate sex. It's that you hate being with him, and frankly, any woman would. 

He sounds terribly abusive and cruel. 

Why are you so desperate and willing to settle for such maltreatment? That is the question you need to address.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

My silence is far better than my words here...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Here too...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does your marriage counselor say about this?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'd also recommend looking into some kind of birth control, since you've gotten pregnant 2 out of the four times you've had sex.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Karson. said:


> I just don't see that divorce is an option.


Here is the thing, it's not just your choice. 

Maybe you should see it as a good thing anyway. You don't seem like a good match at all. Plus marital rape seems like biblical grounds for divorce as divorce is permitted in the new testament for sexual immorality, raping your wife seems like a good example of that. He may argue that Paul says your body belongs to him so it wasn't rape. Believing the whole Bible as infallible has it's disadvantages I guess. 

I am weary to even post this as he sounds like a jerk and on the other hand you had an emotional affair but this is a pretty good site which explains why your thinking about men and sex is terribly wrong and even cruel, though in your husbands case maybe not.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Karson.

As I read your post I found myself wondering what you thought marriage would be like. I realize nearly all of us enter into marriage and parenthood without realizing that we should superimpose our idea of what a marriage looks like onto what our reality will likely be. But now that you are married, it would be a good idea to honestly write out what your ideal marriage is like. How do you relate to your husband, ideally, and how does he relate to you, ideally. 

Once you've got a pretty thorough handle on your idealize image of the nuts and bolts of marriage, super impose that on your reality. Identify every area where the two don't match up.

Once that's done, what can you personally do to positively affect the areas that don't match up. This isn't about him changing, this is about you changing. What do you need to do differently to make your marriage work better?

You've posted in the Sex in Marriage subforum which means that you know sex is a big problem in your marriage. How do you feel about sex being a big problem? How would you like sex to be within your marriage? Would you like it to just go away? Would you like to be more functional, sexually? What do you want to see your sex life be?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok. I have to agree with previous posters that you two don't seem compatible. 

However, let's work with that you've stated you want to stay married.

First with your traumas you need expert advice from someone who has dealt with rape and marriage issue not just any therapist.

Second it seems you suffer from what many inexperienced women do. You have experienced sex pleasurably. Only violently and as chore. When you say you do want sex it would be like many people saying I don't want chocolate. Many people can't understand this because chocolate tastes so good. Good sex feels amazing. Your husband is not giving good sex. Neither are you it sounds like. He is filling his need and it is a need once a year (actually more).

Work on connecting emotionally to sex. For some that's erotica like fifty shades of gray (not sure this would be good with previous abuse issues). You need to mentally prepare for how it should feel. Embrace it. Know that things tingle wait for how breast stimulation brings sensations in you loins. If you don't know to expect or anticipate that reaction you can miss it. There are books both of you should read. He sounds inexperienced, lost, inconsiderate of your past. I haven't read it but there's a book lots of people recommend called she comes first. In the bible, husband are supposed to cherish their wives and be of service (goes both ways). I feel like he's inexperienced and may have watched too much porn. He needs to work with your therapist on ways to stimulate you that aren't painful or threatening. I'm larger and both my husband and I have some physical limitations. I don't think we are as limited as you guys but we definitely make it work. I'd highly recommend the ramp and wedge from liberator. It allows for positioning that can ease these issues. Further in the future after you have worked up to sex try doggie style with the ramp and wedge you can basically make an elevated bed where you'd be lying on your stomach and he can stand behind or kneel. Also get lube if you don't have it. You certainly aren't lubricated enough at this point. You can also use it to give hand stimulation instead of oral. ask your therapist about him using a vibrator. I don't see this changing overnight but there shouldn't be a reason you two can't make things a lot better. People need intimacy. Some can have that without sex but most people sex is part of being close to on another. He needs to be a better partner and lover and you need to work on fulfilling his needs as well. You should be the only source of sex for him. He should be a source of feeling loved, secure and safe.

Has he ever given you oral sex? Fingering? Do you guys use lube? Vibrator? Remember some countries in the world are very sexually liberated and some are not. Which culture did you marry into? Is he onboard with changing his ways? Sex should never hurt and when it does it should stop unless the problem can be solved like with lube or position. 


I'd say you both should visit your pastor to talk but they run the gambit. Many religions have embraced that husbands and wives serve each other but some throw backs would say it's ok to rape your wife. Where does you pastor stand on this? Talk to him/her first explain your past abuse and your husbands behavior if you think you're in a more modern church. He can help bring you husband along into your therapy and explain some of the passages of the bible that discuss his duties.

Just like me none of us here on TAM are sex therapists (that I know of). You need some emotional help and a knowledgable sex therapist as well. Take things here with a grain of salt. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What region of the world is he from?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, he was a virgin and you'd been sexually assaulted but never had consensual sex before you married? Honey, I suspect a large part of your problems are due to your size, his chest hump, and the fact that neither of you really know what the hell you're doing.

Joint pain from an accident is terrible. Joint pain from an accident while carrying extra weight is downright torturous. Have you done any serious work on diet, nutrition, and exercise tailored to your specific abilities? Losing weight will take the pressure off your joints, allow for easier movement, your energy levels and physical ability will increase over time. This would open up possibilities in terms of movement and positioning during intimacy and will make you feel better all the way around, which may lead to you desiring intimacy. Losing weight will also help your cardiovascular system and make breathing easier. As an asthmatic myself, your asthma doesn't sound well controlled and you might want to consider speaking with the doctor about that. If necessary, get a 2nd opinion.

I think you should also seek the help of a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual dysfunction or a certified sex therapist. Neither of you seem to have healthy attitudes toward sex. Sex is such an integral part of marriage and designed by God to maintain the bond between spouses. You two need to fix this if you're unwilling to divorce.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Karson. said:


> Love is a choice.


One might say that your refusal to have sex is a choice. Just as one might say that his willingness to remain in a sexless marriage is a choice. All decisions have negative consequences of some kind, even when you make the right decision. 

Your marriage is doomed. You have made little indication that you want to desire sex so I doubt very highly that you are actually working toward such an end. My bet is that you are hoping to somehow end his desire so you simply don't have to ever think about sex again. I hope that you will be honest with your husband if this is the case.

You have been through extreme trauma in your life and it is understandable that sex may never be something positive for you. Some people never recover from such things. That's a fact. If you have no desire to reclaim your sexuality, it's a guarantee that you will be one of those unfortunate souls. There is no shame in that no matter what some book tells you. There is, however some shame (IMO) in deceiving someone else in order to get what you want. If you have no desire to change your feelings about sex be honest. Then he gets to make his choice and it can be an informed choice.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sex is a very important part of a marriage and the way for most men to feel loved in a marriage, that is how they connect to their wives, so removing sex leaves a huge gap in the marriage.

YOur H attitude that it is his right is not entirely biblical, as he is to love his wife as the Lord loves the church, lay his life down for her, etc, that does not mean using his wife for his own sexual pleasure. It might help to listen to the Podcasts on Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggriches.

Did you have counselling for your sexual abuse, you ought to because although the physical aspects of sex are an issue there are major emotional blocks due to your history, they need to be dealt with first. 

I am not sure if you are getting any advice from your pastor but I would suggest you read more on this topic and not be dismissive of the importance of sex in the Christian marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Did you get some serious rape counseling in the past? It seems like that bad stuff that happened in your past is darkening your new beginning with your husband. You need to trust HIM! Some individual counseling seems like a good idea for you.

I do NOT think this in an insurmountable past problem, but a professional will be needed since it has affected you so strongly.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

aine said:


> Sex is a very important part of a marriage and the way for most men to feel loved in a marriage, that is how they connect to their wives, so removing sex leaves a huge gap in the marriage.


This is very true for most men. You husband is probably thinking you do not love him at all.


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## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

anastasia6 said:


> Ok. I have to agree with previous posters that you two don't seem compatible.
> We both want to stay married, we do love each other and there has to be a solution other than divorce.
> 
> You certainly aren't lubricated enough at this point. You can also use it to give hand stimulation instead of oral. ask your therapist about him using a vibrator. I don't see this changing overnight but there shouldn't be a reason you two can't make things a lot better. People need intimacy. Some can have that without sex but most people sex is part of being close to on another. He needs to be a better partner and lover and you need to work on fulfilling his needs as well. You should be the only source of sex for him. He should be a source of feeling loved, secure and safe.
> ...



Finally, I am seeing a counselor to work through my abuse issues.

Thanks for all the thoughts everyone, seems to be a work in progress.

And yes we use birth control.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am so sorry about the abuse you experienced. I hope you get the help you need to heal as best as you can from that.

I have a few questions:
Have you ever had an orgasm with your husband?
Or on your own?
If you have, how does it make you feel?

I'm guessing you guys did plenty of flirting and looking forward to sex after marriage during your online dating. He deserves to get what you essentially promised him. Also, if you had an EA I'll bet sexy flirting was involved in that. I'll say it like it is...you being completely unwilling to engage in sex on a very frequent basis is dooming your marriage. He will cheat, if he isn't already. Even if you don't need sex, I'm sure he does. It is very unfair to him to get married expecting a normal sex life to end up with someone who won't even try. You must get the help to change, or you should set him free and either stay single or find a man who hates sex too.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Karson. said:


> Finally, I am seeing a counselor to work through my abuse issues.
> 
> Thanks for all the thoughts everyone, seems to be a work in progress.
> 
> And yes we use birth control.


Are you using hormone based birth control? Hormone based methods are known to cause side effects including loss of libido and weight gain/ difficulty losing weight.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Karson. ~ please try reading any of Gary Smalley's books on Christian marriage and sex!

He is a remarkable Christian author and speaker who I think that the two of you can derive a world of good from!

Best of luck to you both in your relationship!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@karson, life has not been kind to you or your husband, it seems, with you both suffering from pretty severe health issues, not of your making.

Also, do you know what triggers your asthma?


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## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

I have had an orgasm when he has played with me, ie. , fingering.

Birth control = Condoms

I will check out the book (@arbitrator) Do you know of any specific titles?

I want to enjoy sex

And yes to the diet/exercise. 've lost 45 pounds.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Karson. said:


> I 've lost 45 pounds.


Awesome!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs is a good start.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Karson. said:


> And yes to the diet/exercise. 've lost 45 pounds.


Outstanding! Hopefully you're feeling more energized and self confident, even independent of the relationship issues you're experiencing. Stay the course and this improvement should spill over into all aspects of your life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It doesn't matter how much weight you've lost, or what therapy you happen to be in at the moment because until this changes, nothing else will change.




> I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it.


I notice you completely ignored the questions I asked you to answer. This tells me you wish to avoid accountability for the state of your marriage. Your past, your weight, your knees, your breathing problem, your lack of trust... notice these all start with YOU.

So I'll ask again, what do want your marriage to look like? Do you expect some agreement that sex no longer be a part of your marriage and your husband be completely fulfilled with this? I think you know this is unattainable and that's why you are trying to avoid accountability by listing so many reasons why having a fulfilling sex life isn't in the cards for you.

I'm a survivor who couldn't orgasm and didn't much like sex. I figured out a way to heal and become sexually fully functional. It's not impossible. Do you want that for yourself?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> It doesn't matter how much weight you've lost, or what therapy you happen to be in at the moment because until this changes, nothing else will change.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Right on...as usual 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Karson. said:


> I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it. I know men have that need (though I wonder how they survive if they aren't married or able to get sex), but I just have no desire.


I forgot to comment on this. YOU see no need for it, but you are WRONG. Marriages almost NEVER survive without sex. Not unless the woman just tells the man 'you're free to go out and get sex anywhere you want it.' 

Go to any therapist and they will tell you this. 

And given your problems already, you two need to take a really hard look at WHY you got married, where the respect for each other is, and what happened to communication.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It doesn't matter how much weight you've lost, or what therapy you happen to be in at the moment because until this changes, nothing else will change.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Once again, you smashed it outta the park AP!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Karson, sex is a very important part of marriage. VERY important - for both physical and emotional connection. It's about sharing a side of yourself that no one else in the world sees except your spouse...a side that you save only for them. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

While your husband is very wrong in the way he's handling this, and misquoting the bible etc. I suspect he's acting out of sheer frustration. And before everyone slams me let me be clear - when Karson tells him to stop during sex HE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD STOP. No question, no doubt.

Divorce may not be an option, but annullment may be? 

You can't expect your husband to live without sex for the rest of his life just because you see no need for it. That is incredibly selfish, arrogant - and not at all christian.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I feel that some of the posters just need to chill. OP has stated she knows the current pattern has to change and has taken many suggestions. Otherwise she wouldn't have come here and posted with a title that says need to change. It can be very hard to continually be bashed by strangers when you are working on change but not fast enough for the peanut gallery.

Focus on constructive suggestions please.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, but plainly saying "I see no need for sex" needs to be addressed. She will never find a fulfilling marriage with that belief system.


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## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> So I'll ask again, what do want your marriage to look like? Do you expect some agreement that sex no longer be a part of your marriage and your husband be completely fulfilled with this? I think you know this is unattainable and that's why you are trying to avoid accountability by listing so many reasons why having a fulfilling sex life isn't in the cards for you.
> 
> *
> I didn't avoid your question, it likely got lost in the shuffle of the myriad of other questions I am trying to answer/catch up on. As I said in a prior post, I want to enjoy sex and fulfill my husband. I know this is a need he has.
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a mental issue with it because of your past? Have you addressed this in therapy? It's one of the hardest things to overcome in therapy, but it you want to stay married, it's a necessity.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Are you sure you're against divorce or in is it because in the back of your mind due to your health and abuse issues you will never find someone else to love you? Because you fear being alone? 

Take a step back for a minute and think about it. If that is the case, they aren't reasons to be with someone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

turnera said:


> I forgot to comment on this. YOU see no need for it, but you are WRONG. Marriages almost NEVER survive without sex. Not unless the woman just tells the man 'you're free to go out and get sex anywhere you want it.'
> 
> Go to any therapist and they will tell you this.
> 
> And given your problems already, you two need to take a really hard look at WHY you got married, where the respect for each other is, and what happened to communication.


^^^ This!
@karson, marriages DO need sex; that's the one major difference between your relationship with your husband, and your relationships with others, and once that goes out the window, many other things also start going out the window. Take my word: my husband and I had a dreary sex life, and I hated it. I hated doing it with him so much that I had started lying about not feeling well just to get out of doing it. He was a virgin when we met, and wasn't bothered to learn about the subject of sex. He really had no idea what he was doing, wasn't able to understand (or didn't want to understand) things that I had suggested to him. Other things in our marriage were also falling apart, and in the end, we separated about a week and a half ago. I can say that I'm more relieved than sad, even though I felt sick for a few days. My next relationship, whenever that is, will be with someone either more experienced, or who's willing to be a sexual partner. Sex is important!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Could you please share what is good in your marriage?
> 
> It would be nice to understand where you balance.



Balance?
..........................................................................................

To do so, you need items of substance [of psychological, emotional, of physical "heft"] to place on each side of your marital scale, marital partnership.

You are asking a male human being in his prime to forsake the yearning and lust in his loins. And for what return? Yes, he is a brute. Yes, he is crude and immature.
I presume that he is teachable.

He was/is desperate for a women. He has physical issues that are not correctable. He is not a "catch" in many respects. I understand that. But catch him you did. And he.. you.

Either fulfill his needs and work with his cloddish attempts at love-making or leave him, divorce him. 

His penis is not only meant for procreation, it is a gift from God. One that can give a man much pleasure. Your vagina is a gift from God, also. It can make babies and it can also send shivers up and down your spine when properly stimulated.

Enjoy this feature more than baby making. Baby making is a [one to four] time event for most. Lovemaking is and should be unending. 

Since you get winded easily, make him do all the lovemaking work. Teach him. Do not reject him.

If this is not possible, enjoy life alone.....for no healthy man will want you. Men want to plunge their penises into a women. This is a biological must...or bust.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> I feel that some of the posters just need to chill. OP has stated she knows the current pattern has to change and has taken many suggestions. Otherwise she wouldn't have come here and posted with a title that says need to change. It can be very hard to continually be bashed by strangers when you are working on change but not fast enough for the peanut gallery.
> 
> Focus on constructive suggestions please.


In this case her marriage is de-constructed.... a basket case.

Sugar coating rusty metal is inane. Not [in Aine]. @aine

No Orgasms?
I would suggest she try to self-pleasure herself. If this is effective....and hubby observes, he can get pointers...six inch pointers.

Remember the rule....25% of women cannot get an "O" from a penis. PIV
50% can, but only occasionally. Hit and miss...again.
The last 25% were blessed with a clitoris that is close to the vaginal opening and gets rubbed the right way.


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## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

I do get an orgasm when he eats me, or when he plays with me using his fingers or a vibrator. Maybe the simple answer is that we just don't know what we are doing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not at all unusual for women to only O that way and not from intercourse. If he is happy to do those things, then it should be OK. Its fine to try to learn to O from intercourse, but I don't thin it makes sense to consider it necessary to enjoy sex. 



Karson. said:


> I do get an orgasm when he eats me, or when he plays with me using his fingers or a vibrator. Maybe the simple answer is that we just don't know what we are doing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Karson. said:


> I do get an orgasm when he eats me, or when he plays with me using his fingers or a vibrator. Maybe the simple answer is that we just don't know what we are doing.


As has been said, many women simply cannot orgasm during PIV, because the part of your body that feels the stimulation is not IN there. It's outside, near the edge. Why don't you guys just start experimenting? We can give you some ideas if you're interested.


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## Karson. (Jun 16, 2017)

turnera said:


> As has been said, many women simply cannot orgasm during PIV, because the part of your body that feels the stimulation is not IN there. It's outside, near the edge. Why don't you guys just start experimenting? We can give you some ideas if you're interested.


Anyone familiar with boob sex?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Karson. said:


> Anyone familiar with boob sex?




Your clitoris isn't there either. Jus sayin. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sure the guy likes it. What do you get out of it? If you're looking for sustained intimate sex you'll both look forward to, you have to make it good for both of you. Otherwise it just becomes duty sex.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes when I mentioned your breasts that was for you. If you are going to enjoy sex you and hubby must focus on your pleasure and comfort. That means he needs to focus on your foreplay teasing your nipples, clitoral and gspot stimulation. He doesn't seem to be having the trouble enjoying sex.

After he's made you orgasm then work on his. So you can't / don't do oral on him. With the right positions and lube he should be able to PIV without causing you discomfort.

Women also have levels of orgasm. I can get off on fingering but it isn't as usually satisfying as others like oral or clitoral vibrator with fingering. Longer foreplay in general increases my tension and subsequent release. 

I'd give up traditional missionary. With the ramp and wedge or lots of pillows you should be able to find positions that work. Get some pillows under your butt and do a modified missionary where he kneels between you legs and never bends over you. Try the edge of the bed. Again he never bends over you and your lying down. These both take his humpy chest off you without making it physically strenuous on you and still give good penetration. USE Lube if inside hurts other than the first time virgin then either he is huge (which you'd eventually stretch to match) you have a medical problem like cysts or you just don't have enough moisture. 

With the wedge and ramp as well as the edge of the bed you should also be able to doggie style without much fuss. 

Then there is also a sex swing the good ones don't go over doors and could also help. Spooning would take the weight off but usually with heavy people it can be hard to get good penetration.

If PIV doesn't work well for you there is also hand jobs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Karson. said:


> I do get an orgasm when he eats me, or when he plays with me using his fingers or a vibrator. Maybe the simple answer is that we just don't know what we are doing.





Karson. said:


> Anyone familiar with boob sex?




Karson dear, this isn't about just orgasm. You are a step ahead of the game from where I started because you already can orgasm. So now let's move to step 2.

Step 2 is masturbation as a form of self love. This is not JUST about getting an orgasm, or showing your husband what you like and how to touch you, you can already do this and that is excellent!

Self love is touching your body, parts of your body, and feeling pleasure. Examine your feelings and perceptions to gain insight and understanding.
Why do certain parts of your body bring you incredible pleasure when touched just right, while other parts only a bit of pleasure and other parts neither pleasure nor pain? 
Why are our bodies designed that way? 

We are designed to respond to our body's feelings because those feelings instruct us in ways that keep us alive and functioning. The feeling of hunger brings a drive to eat, the feeling of pain brings a drive to protect, the feeling of fear brings a drive to fight/flight/freeze. Obviously right?

The feeling of pleasure, when we eat something good, when we see something beautiful, when we are close to a loved one, are emotional pleasures. Eating something satisfies hunger but eating something good, like chocolate cake, brings pleasure that is emotional not physical. Make sense? With me so far?

Erotic pleasure being both physically and emotionally based can be warped as a result of abuse and misinformation. When you touch yourself, nonsexually, to bring physical pleasure (like scratching an itch that feels ahhhhhhhh perfect!) the emotion tied to that sensation is one of balance and acceptance. There are no negatives associated with scratching a mosquito bite, except to the damn bug, so when that feeling of an itch drives us to scratch we feel pleased, not humiliated, not vulnerable, not fearful, not shameful. Makes sense? The point I'm making is coming next.

Why then, when we are in a position to feel erotic pleasure by accepting the touch of another, do we allow ourselves to feel humiliated, vulnerable, fearful or shameful? The past cannot harm us now, we know that. Yet the past has clouded how we feel about something that ought to be, and has been designed to be, pleasurable.

This is something that I used to think on when I was first healing.

Why do we never feel hurt or humiliated or fearful or shamed, because we have a mosquito bite that itches? If someone scratched that itch without our permission would we feel ashamed? Harmed? Afraid? We might feel indignation that they've invaded our personal space and touched us but we wouldn't feel personally and intimately invaded. Why then, do we allow the past to obscure and warp our embracing of intimacy with someone we love and trust?

What if the person who harmed you in your past, had invaded your space to scratch an obvious mosquito bite? Would we feel as invaded? I think not. I think indignation at THEIR bad behavior would be the end of it.

Why do we allow others to make us feel something we don't own? It was their behavior, not ours. Why do we allow them to inform us in how we experience erotic pleasure?

This was the beginning of taking back ownership over MY body, MY feelings, MY responses, MY desires, MY pleasure. I own my body and I own my feelings and if my body, which I own, was designed to feel pleasure, which I also own, why do I allow others to make me feel something other than what I was designed to feel?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm just going to sit here and eat my popcorn.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@karson,

I believe a relationship can survive without sex. A roommate relationship. Not a marriage. 

My husband knows a couple that live together for the companionship and dependability alone, but they don't have an intimate life to speak of. They are not married. 

Provided both people feel this kind of relationship is mutually agreeable, I see nothing wrong with it, but in that case I'd tell them not to get married and just live together.

As other ladies have offered, sex is important to a marriage. Sex is men's bread and butter and the way they primarily feel loved and desired by their wives. No one can rewire your brain but you, should you choose to, and no one can make you do anything you do not want to. They are all just offering their opinions.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Follow up. Scratch the sex swing. They don't seem to be for over weight people. I just got mine and it is horribly in comfortable


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Karson. said:


> I do get an orgasm when he eats me, or when he plays with me using his fingers or a vibrator. Maybe the simple answer is that we just don't know what we are doing.


I have heard a number of larger people swear by sex wedge pillows. It is a foam pillow in a huge wedge shape, and you are able to more comfortably positions your bodies for the least discomfort and the maximum pleasure. Adam and Eve website have some. I would suggest trying one of THOSE next time you guys want to play, and see if that helps some


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Karson. said:


> Anyone familiar with boob sex?


I can get my wife to orgasm from nipple play alone. Try THAT. it will take some time, like 15 minutes, to cum that way.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

turnera said:


> As has been said, many women simply cannot orgasm during PIV, because the part of your body that feels the stimulation is not IN there. It's outside, near the edge. Why don't you guys just start experimenting? We can give you some ideas if you're interested.


There is nothing wrong at all for a woman to be lightly fingering her clitoris while he is entering you...sometimes it takes both to cum. And it will probably turn him on, as he watches you do it.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

Sexless marriage means you have issues and you should have never married other than for wrong reasons. Want a friend? Make one. Want a penpal? Find one online. But to marry and keep your partner at bay is downright destructive and deceitful. Unless the two of you are identical and look at marriage as "partners with benefits". Sure love isn't all sex but sex is a result of love.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Karson. said:


> Anyone familiar with boob sex?


many women CAN orgasm from nipple and boob play all by itself. Or get so close, that simply touching the clitorus sets them over the edge.


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