# I am so conflicted. Husband puts family first and says it will never change.



## SadDays (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi all, I am new but have used the internet for advice. I find myself stuck in the same position as I'm finding this so difficult to leave. I wanted to post here because actually I see my issue is similar in some ways in other threads and also it is quite active!

My husband and I are both newlyweds in our mid to late 20's and have been together for over a decade. 
We didn't live together before marriage also. 

My husband has always been this way but previously I felt that I was being insecure with the fact he put his family and friends before me. Now that we are married and certain things have taken place I realize that this is not normal. 

I've seen a marriage counselor but he won't go with me. I saw them several times. Also spoke with the priest that married us, in person and phone conversations. Also have reached out to a few trusting people. 
I realize now not only how dysfunctional his family is but also that I have not been treated well. 

When we moved into the new house my husband never came home from work. He has a work vehicle and when he wakes up here, drives his car to his parent's, parks the car and takes the work vehicle. 
Gets out of work and goes to his parents house. Daily. 
He told me he will not stop. 

I try to go to his family's house but he practically forbids me. His dad is nice but is mom and sister I don't think have ever liked me. I've been told because they do not like another female in their way of control over my husband. 
The issue boiled over when his sister tried to control our wedding and failed. Since the wedding last summer I've only seen his family Xmas eve and also the ONE time they visited our house. 
He sees them daily and also either Saturday or Sunday for several hours. 
They are not sick or elderly. 

Since then I feel shut off and cut off from the family. His dad is a little not all there and seems oblivious to what's going on but when I've gotten him on the phone the things I mention seem to go over his head. My husband has practically forbid me from going to his parents house. He just tells me no and I better not and why do I need to. 

Recently he went on a vacation with his family, including his sisters husband. I was not included. Of course he gave me an excuse like they weren't there and he just wanted to go without me. 

Otherwise things seem average in our household. We don't argue really about anything else, I do feel he does not cherish time with me. We go places like for walks and have fun and laugh. But I'm very lonely. I don't come first. One time recently we were figuring out dinner and his mom called and said she was grilling. Out the door he went. He has only spent maybe a couple full weekends with me since we moved in. 

I have talked to him about all of this so many times. He tells me nothing will change. He seems happy with our marriage being in his terms only. He seems happy, either somewhat or what else- I don't know, so long as he can continue to put his family and their needs and wants before me, see them daily, keep us all separate and not stand up for me and be a unit with me. 

I am so sick to my stomach. We had a conversation about how he lets them dictate his life and all of the above, all the nasty things that has happened which I am really cutting the story short here. 

Am I doing the right thing to end this? We do not have children- could we ever? Not like this! This is already a long post, I wanted to post because I am very upset and just need to hear it, he is not going to change. And I know deep down the way things are is not right... Thanks for any words of wisdom and advice. I love him to death but honestly I really fear I'm in for a lonely life and I also fear if I stay that it won't be for many many more years before I feel more at ease about leaving. I just want something to depend on and I know right now that I can't depend on this.

Also I just wanted to say that I am really conflicted because of the saying "out of sight, out of mind." Since his family and I do not see eachother I almost feel like the issue isn't there. But it is. Every day that he goes there, every time they call and he shoots out the door and so on, but still.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

You are his wife. You are his family, and you should be first, not last. I wouldn't find this acceptable. He is being unkind and neglecting you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

SadDays said:


> Hi all, I am new but have used the internet for advice. I find myself stuck in the same position as I'm finding this so difficult to leave. I wanted to post here because actually I see my issue is similar in some ways in other threads and also it is quite active!
> 
> My husband and I are both newlyweds in our mid to late 20's and have been together for over a decade.
> We didn't live together before marriage also.
> ...


First, I am sorry about all of this.

You are right, this is not a good marriage. I don't want to use your word "normal" because that word is subjective.

Spouses & partners should come first even before children. Some people put children first but that is wrong. Children will grow up & move away & the marriage will still be there. The marriage came first, then the children.

He may think that because his family & friends came first, the marriage second - he certainly acts this way - but he is wrong when it comes to marriage.

You did marry him with the above belief but thought he would be different when married & rightly so in your defense.

He is also VERY controlling. He TELLS you what you can or cannot do.

Please do not have children yet with this man if you plan on staying & suffering with this marriage.

Counseling is always a good option but he may not go but you can.

Good luck.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

It should be a balance between the relations...

he is just starkly unscrupulous... !!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SadDays said:


> He tells me nothing will change.


This is a huge blessing actually. Be grateful when someone is able to be this blunt. It's better than promising to change and then not doing it.

Now the balls in your court. Either you accept him as is or you move on. He's already told you his feelings on the matter.


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## NinaB (Feb 6, 2013)

You have to ask yourself if this is acceptable for you. If no then you need to do something about it. Take steps to leave or find a place to go. It feels so good not to be hurting emotionally anymore, trust me on that one.


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