# Hoping some opinions will help



## Byrd (Oct 26, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I was 22 and he was 25. When we first got together, things moved fast. I moved into his apartment after 3 weeks of dating and we were engaged after 8 months. Before we were engaged, my husband took care of me. I had no responsibilities. He thought the way to make me happy was to give me anything I could ever possibly want, even if I didn’t ask for it. A couple months after we got together I decided I wanted to go back to school, so I quite working and used the rest of my money to take on-line courses. He was very supportive and told me he was alright with everything I was doing. He never complained about how much money we spent or that I wasn’t contributing anything to the bills. 

We talked about so much then. We talked about family and our future and it seemed to me that we were on the same wave length. We both wanted kids and we had the same ideas about how to raise them. We both wanted to live in the country and have a few toys and be all about family. I went back to work with out finishing my courses so that we could have a good foundation to start our family. 
During this time, he lost his job. When he was fired, he was paid out the rest of his contract and decided he wasn’t going back to work until he could find something he really wanted to do. He sat around the house for 4 months before we started feeling the financial strain. After multiple arguments and me trying to be as supportive as I could, he got a job and seemed to be happy. We bought a house and things started moving forward for us again.

While planning the wedding, he didn’t want a whole lot to do with it. I thought this was normal at the time but we fought about it a lot. So I planned our wedding by myself and to this day, he still tells me he wishes he hadn’t been there. He says it’s not because he didn’t want to get married but because he hated being the center of attention. 

Before the wedding came around, we ran into more problems. My husband came to me one night, upset like I had never seen before and told me that he had been lying to me for a year about what our financial situation looked like. He has always been the one to look after our money and pay the bills. I have tried to help out but we always ended up running over each other so we decided he would just do it. When he came to me it was because we had no money and were going to lose everything. It just so happened that when I was taking my on-line courses, they were for a business management degree so when I found out what had been going on I collected everything I could get my hands on and figured out how much money we owed and how we were going to pay it. My husband and I both quite the jobs we had, and both liked, to find other jobs that paid more. It has been 4 years since I have taken over some of the responsibility for the money and we are now finally getting ahead. 

The job that my husband took because of the problems the money caused was a camp job. He would be out at work for 8 days and then home for 6 days and with him being gone so often, this created a whole new list of problems. I was still working full time and planning the wedding. He held this job for a year before we decided we didn’t like him being gone so often. Eventually, he found a job in town so he would be home every night and I had changed jobs a few times but found one that I really enjoyed.

For entertainment, my husband and I spent a lot of time on our computers. I’m not sure why it happened, but I ended up meeting someone on the internet. We just started talking one night and before I knew it we were talking about personal things and I was telling him about my husband and some of the things we fought about. We talked for 3 months before my husband found out about it. During these 3 months, I developed a relationship with this other person. He lived a long ways away from me and we have never met but we became very close in a very short time and meant a lot to each other. This other guy is single and was so easy for me to talk to. He just seemed to get me from the beginning. When my husband found out about this other relationship I was having, we started going to therapy. Neither one of us enjoyed the therapy and felt like it wasn’t doing anything for us so we stopped going after about 4 appointments. I stopped talking to the person and thought that would be enough. Apparently it wasn’t. A couple months after we stopped the therapy, we had a huge fight and I ended up going to my mother’s house and staying for a month. While there I started talking to my old friend again.

I eventually decided that my best option was to go home. I believe in marriage and wanted to try and work things out with my husband. I decided that if our marriage was going to end, it wasn’t going to happen because of something I did. There were some very hurtful things said while I was gone on both of our parts but we wanted to try and make it work. I don’t know if my husband will ever be able to forgive me and I don’t know how long I should wait, but I know it‘s something he is working on. 

We’ve been working on this marriage for just about 2 years now and I’m not sure if we are ever going to work it out. My husband has decided recently that he now want’s to change professions and will need to go to school for 8 years. In order for him to do this we will need to move away from where we are now (which is also where I grew up and all my family is), and he will go to school full time while I work to pay for a new house and all the bills we have. 

He has also told me in the last 6 months that he is not ready for children and say’s that he may never be ready. He even told me once that sometimes he feels like he only tells me he still want’s kids so that I don’t leave him to find someone else. When I asked him about this he said he didn’t remember saying it. I don’t know why he has changed his mind about kids. It may be because of the plans he is making to go to school or maybe he doesn’t think our marriage is going to last so he doesn’t want to involve kids. This I would totally agree with, but he just keeps telling me he may eventually be ready for kids he just doesn’t know right now.

I know there is a lot here but I am looking for an out side opinion. I’ve talked to a couple close friends and family members but everyone I know is so involved I thought an outside opinion might be helpful. Tell me what you think of my story and what you would do in this situation. I love my husband but I’m worried we may have gone through to much in a short amount of time to ever get past any of it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Find a new (good) counselor and try it again. If that doesn't work, you are wasting each others time. 

And one of you needs to keep a steady job and grow up. Both of you sound very immature to the realities of being married and having careers.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Be glad you don't have kids. Go back to your mother's house and give it more time for the dust to settle but my gut reaction is that this marriage is over. You married young and are growing apart. It happens all the time. I agree with the above poster that you both seem rather immature in certain aspects when it comes to marriage and careers. 

Honestly, it reminds me a lot of what I went though with my H in the beginning years of my marriage. But I stayed and had 20 years of misery until I finally moved out and away from him. 

Don't let that happen to you. Good luck. You are still young and have your life ahead of you. Don't get stuck in the mode of "I'm committed to the marriage". That's why divorce was created.


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