# My new husband wants to have sex with a man



## wlb551 (Aug 6, 2012)

I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Any ideas?

I agree with some of the other threads I found that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Marriage only has room for two... if he is gay and gets no satisfaction from a W, then the marriage should end, but I suspect he is just having some new curiosities, wants to explore further along the sexuality spectrum... Two things I can think of for advice: hormones and lifestyle - I have heard that hormone levels have little to do with sexual orientation, however I think they have a lot to do with submissiveness and if his testosterone is lower he won't be getting the same drive to "dominate"... my other recommendation is to get a strap-on and use it on him (if it is something you'd be open to doing).

If he is trying to insist on inviting others into your marital bed though, I'd be real concerned, no good will come of that, especially if that is something you both are not wanting to do (and if it were your marriage is just an illusion anyway).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

This is not what you signed on for

It's most likely that your husband is at least Bi. Are you content to be in a relationship with a man who is Bi or at least Bi-curious?

If not, get an anullment know before any more time passes.

You also need to get an STD test just to be sure in case he has already wandered down this path before or during the marriage


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

I read an interesting article recently about men being gay vs bisexual and this article based on numerous studies is rather convincing in that there really is no true male bisexuality, a guy is either straight or gay. A bisexual guy is gay even if he has sex with a woman from time to time.

Your husband is most likely gay, and worse yet he's in denial and worse than that he's trying to drag you into his alternative lifestyle.

I'm not usually one to throw up a post and say "divorce him right away!" but in this case?

Nothing to save here. He's gay, you got blindsided, it hasn't been that long that you've been married, cut your losses and get out.

By the way, anal play doesn't indicate gayness, lots of guys including myself enjoy the pleasures of having our ass stimulated with vibrators and such.

The only exception is when a guy wants the woman to wear a strap on, which makes her symbolic of another man and that's a red flag for him being gay.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Divorce him. Joining a hook up site is reason enough. I doubt a strapped-on wife is going to be enough for him if he's into guys vs. women.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry about this. It is obviously a problem for you or you wouldn't be here.

He's gay.

Get an anullment.

Good luck.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Divorce him. Joining a hook up site is reason enough. I doubt a strapped-on wife is going to be enough for him if he's into guys vs. women.


This....seriously..








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

kindi said:


> I read an interesting article recently about men being gay vs bisexual and this article based on numerous studies is rather convincing in that there really is no true male bisexuality, a guy is either straight or gay. A bisexual guy is gay even if he has sex with a woman from time to time.
> 
> Your husband is most likely gay, and worse yet he's in denial and worse than that he's trying to drag you into his alternative lifestyle.
> 
> ...


I say those studies are BS, because in your case I suppose I'm gay even though I've never been with a man, nor ever even come close to wanting to, I am completely sexually aroused by women, however the thought of a woman "pegging" me can also be arousing at times, and when I was at the end of my rope in my sexless marriage even the fantasy of a live warm c0ck in me brought me a strange comfort - I have no intention to make that a reality, though suppose I'd be open to the possibility if in some unusual way it were to present itself, I just have no desire for any dude it would be attached to, and trannies don't change anything about that. It seems many men who are also straight have admitted to exploring such experiences in university or the military, but then have put that in the past.

Though that is a phase I seem to have mostly left behind me, I still consider myself straight, I'm completely sexually attracted to women, but will say that the yearnings for phallic symbols suddenly felt changed my whole opinion of sexuality...I don't know where they came from, or where they mostly went but my lust is still completely fueled by sexy women and my desire to fvck them.

So when some woman comes to TAM wondering about her H's fantasies, I would NEVER go straight to suggesting divorce because he's "gay". I would advise communication, counselling and therapy to understand where those thoughts are coming from them and determine if each partners needs can be met in the marriage or not. Nor would I suggest she get tested for STD's unless there are signs of infidelity. Though this marriage is only a couple months old, so if this issue is coming up so soon, maybe you all are right and this guy just can't be sexually attracted to his W, in which case maybe it can be annulled.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

wlb551 said:


> I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Any ideas?
> 
> I agree with some of the other threads I found that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems.


What are your thoughts about this? Are you OK with a marriage that includes, with set boundaries, sexual relationships with other people? Would this meet your needs, too? 

If the answer to these questions is no, then I think you need to tell your partner that this isn't going to work for you. 

If the answer is yes or maybe, then look into your own desires--what do you want? Non-traditional marriages can be successful (I have one going on 13 years!). But you have to be clear about boundaries, what you want, and what your intentions are. 

It might be helpful to visit a polyamory or open marriage forum to get some advice from people who have been there. I have not found that this forum really gives much space for this kind of discussion (which is fine--that's the way this forum is, and there are others for that purpose). 

Also, I think you really need to discuss with your husband why he wants this. Has he always known he is bi? If he has, then why didn't he discuss this with you before? I think you need to let him speak, without judgment, and hear exactly where he is in terms of the relationship and what he wants out of it.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Divorce him. Joining a hook up site is reason enough. I doubt a strapped-on wife is going to be enough for him if he's into guys vs. women.


Um, he could be into both. 

It's not fair for him to spring this on you, obviously, but jumping to conclusions without actually asking him seems silly. People are more complicated than this.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yeah, he's definitely freaking out about marriage and looking for an escape. DO NOT FALL FOR HIS GAMES! You may be able to rope him in again and get a second chance but the need is still going to be there. Unless this is all due to a porn addiction and his wild side will subside with other activities I say he's not ready for marriage to a man or woman. 

BUT don't take our word for it. Ask him directly and find out for yourself if he even wants to be married or if this marriage is somehow restricting him.


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## KremerOtha (Aug 7, 2012)

I have heard that hormone levels have little to do with sexual orientation


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

KremerOtha said:


> I have heard that hormone levels have little to do with sexual orientation


probably true, but they do have a lot to to with defining masculinity, which for a lot of men they demonstrate as dominant and manly (which of course a lot of women also happen to find attractive) - ie nature of the sexes... Now when a man experiences a loss in his testosterone (through aging, depression, family routine and passivity), a lot of those masculine characteristics don't carry the same importance, so in my personal opinion and experience along with some sexual frustration about women, suddenly they may see a whole new alternative to meeting some sexual needs... it may present a certain appeal, for some. But this OP's H just married her, they are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, screwing like rabbits.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

wlb551 said:


> I have only been married for a few months. *Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. *He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Any ideas?
> 
> I agree with some of the other threads I found that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems.


^^^^^^^^^^
This right there,
Interesting.....


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I was always say if a man likes anything other than maybe a finger up his rear end hes at least half gay, so not much of a surprise here. 

He needs to figure out what his sexual identity is. 

If hes bi or bi curious the marriage can be repaired.

But if he rather have chest over breast than the marriage is over and needs to be ended.

Its either that or have the cool gay roommate that you never had in college.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

hmm i dont know if this is any relevant tho,i wanna share my friends experience. i had a boy friend(tom) from work whom i introduced to a friend,altho i know that tom has been in relationships with gays and i also somehow felt that tom is "one of them",so i introduced tom to my friend and tey got along very well,got a kid after a year and so on.whenever they will have a problem,my girl friend seeks for my advice and it came to a topic where my girl friend told me that tom was so insisting on anal sex and and stuff like a gay do in man to man porno movies.,my friend and i thought all along that since tom had asked me to be introduced to my girl friend,we thought that he has changed his preference...yes my girlfriend knew from the start that tom has been in a relationship with gays before her. so there!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Kasler said:


> He needs to figure out what his sexual identity is.


He mostly needs to determine if his sexual needs can be met, and if he can meet his W's needs in a monogamous marriage. Yes it requires him to question his sexual attraction and interest in women, specifically his W. If he denies the truth for himself, it will cause himself, his W and his future family too much harm, everyone would be better off if they were to put any biases, phobias, hangups or whatever else to rest and just focus on the marriage, because if any part of it is disingenuous it is a waste of everyone's lives to keep it.


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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

What a time to decide he wants to try sex with other men. I would think he would have already figured that one out before marriage and now wants the benefit of the marriage and the option to sleep around with whomever tickles his fancy. He will probably want to work you into some threesome’s if you continue to go along with his behavior. I would think that you have a decision to make. Play along and be put a serious risk of STD’s or break form the marriage while it’s still young. What he is asking is not good for a marriage esp. when it one way, him playing around while you have to stay true. No way!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> I say those studies are BS, because in your case I suppose I'm gay even though I've never been with a man, nor ever even come close to wanting to, I am completely sexually aroused by women, however the thought of a woman "pegging" me can also be arousing at times, and when I was at the end of my rope in my sexless marriage even the fantasy of a live warm c0ck in me brought me a strange comfort - I have no intention to make that a reality, though suppose I'd be open to the possibility if in some unusual way it were to present itself, I just have no desire for any dude it would be attached to, and trannies don't change anything about that. It seems many men who are also straight have admitted to exploring such experiences in university or the military, but then have put that in the past.
> 
> Though that is a phase I seem to have mostly left behind me, I still consider myself straight, I'm completely sexually attracted to women, but will say that the yearnings for phallic symbols suddenly felt changed my whole opinion of sexuality...I don't know where they came from, or where they mostly went but my lust is still completely fueled by sexy women and my desire to fvck them.
> 
> So when some woman comes to TAM wondering about her H's fantasies, I would NEVER go straight to suggesting divorce because he's "gay". I would advise communication, counselling and therapy to understand where those thoughts are coming from them and determine if each partners needs can be met in the marriage or not. Nor would I suggest she get tested for STD's unless there are signs of infidelity. Though this marriage is only a couple months old, so if this issue is coming up so soon, maybe you all are right and this guy just can't be sexually attracted to his W, in which case maybe it can be annulled.


The article he mentions was in the New York Times. What they did, in controlled scientific studies, was measure the arousal of a group of men self-identified as bisexual. What they found was that 75% of the group was only aroused by men, and 25% of the group was only aroused by women, as measured by electrodes and who knows what else but we can guess. The point is that there weren't any men that were aroused by both, not that someone who thinks about some of the things that you've thought about is secretly bisexual or gay. (And by the way, the same results were not achieved when women were studied--apparently their sexuality is more of a continuum than men's.)

I imagine if you'd participated in the studies, you would have been in the 25%, but I don't think you self-identify as bi, either, so they wouldn't have let you into the study in the first place.

The man in question is soliciting sex on the Internet, which from my point of view is a deal-breaker, if it was me I could care less if he was looking to boink goats, or martians, or other women, it's not something I would have signed up for and therefore not going to fly for me. Frankly, signing up for one of those sites is cheating, in my view. So that's where the infidelity advice kicks in.


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