# Good men --are you out there? I am seeing a whole new side and I don't like it.



## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now. 

This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?

I always knew that there are some cheaters out there but I am beginning to question the whole thing. I will never marry again- seems it means nothing.

**Please note women are not all saints either but since I am experiencing it from the female point of view...

Please help me regain some faith in men again-- I always felt good about them. Seriously --good men what do you have to say?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

All men are not creeps. It's the 98% that give the other 2% a bad rap.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your husband is just one man and this other married guy is just one man. Yes you are just running into some bad apples. 
There are loads of decent guys out there, and many here on TAM as well who are faithful and respect their marriage. 
Ok so a lot of decent guys will be taken, but they are around. 

Some advise, don't meet together with a married guy unless his wife comes as well.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Sfort said:


> It's the 98% that give the other 2% a bad rap.


 LOL. Not sure these numbers are going to help the original poster feel better.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Why would you willingly go on a date with a married man? And yes, it was a date. You need to tell this other scumnag's wife what he's been trying to pull of asap. Have you told him to back off?


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Why would you willingly go on a date with a married man? And yes, it was a date. You need to tell this other scumnag's wife what he's been trying to pull of asap. Have you told him to back off?


Yes I did tell him to back off and like I said, I was naive- I didn't think it was a date.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Your husband is just one man and this other married guy is just one man. Yes you are just running into some bad apples.
> There are loads of decent guys out there, and many here on TAM as well who are faithful and respect their marriage.
> Ok so a lot of decent guys will be taken, but they are around.
> 
> Some advise, don't meet together with a married guy unless his wife comes as well.


Lesson learned. I have been out of the "men" world for so many years. I don't know wth I am doing. Thank you Diana, you have been so supportive. I am feeling so disgusted and disenchanted right now.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes I did tell him to back off and like I said, I was naive- I didn't think it was a date.


Have you told his wife?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

We know decent people exist because here you are. 😊 You said this guy was a friend of your husband's. Birds of a feather, and all that. Also there's a very prevalent mythology that divorced women are lonely and desperate and therefore easy prey, this guy was likely thinking that you'd be interested in a "revenge affair" and wanted to be the first to the gate. People usually assume everyone has the same morals they do, which is what you did when you thought he was sincere and what he did when he thought you'd cheat with him. I hope you do tell the wife because it is unlikely you are the first and you for sure won't be the last. She deserves to know what he's doing to her. 

There are decent people out there, men and women. Once you're clear of your husband and can make a new circle of friends, you'll find people more like you and get away from people like your husband.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Have you told his wife?


Just happened last night. So not yet.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Just happened last night. So not yet.


The "friend" sounds like an opportunistic creep who probably always had a thing for you and was just waiting for the right moment. You've had a bad run with your husband and this guy but I swear, we're not all turds.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’ve read your other thread and just some general advice - It might be best to not date at all for at least six months or so. Your husband hurt you deeply and you need to not only heal from that, but also sort out who you are and what you want. Sometimes we let relationships define us and it takes time after a bad break up to heal.

Once you do that, you will be in a better state of mind to date. Just my opinion.

That said, there are good men out there, I married one and I was jaded by some past painful relationships. It takes time and once you start carving out a life of your own away from your ex (I’m calling him that lol) you’ll find that there are good men out there who value commitment.

Having said all of that, be careful what men you share this story with because “bad“ guys love vulnerable women. That married guy thought you’d be flattered and easy because you’re wounded from your husband’s infidelity. They’re out there in abundance so beware. 😔


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> We know decent people exist because here you are. 😊 You said this guy was a friend of your husband's. Birds of a feather, and all that. Also there's a very prevalent mythology that divorced women are lonely and desperate and therefore easy prey, this guy was likely thinking that you'd be interested in a "revenge affair" and wanted to be the first to the gate. People usually assume everyone has the same morals they do, which is what you did when you thought he was sincere and what he did when he thought you'd cheat with him. I hope you do tell the wife because it is unlikely you are the first and you for sure won't be the last. She deserves to know what he's doing to her.
> 
> There are decent people out there, men and women. Once you're clear of your husband and can make a new circle of friends, you'll find people more like you and get away from people like your husband.


"revenge affair" This. He invited me to his house -- there is no way in hell. I totally learned my lesson. I am totally not ready to date and I certainly would never date a married man. (I made a 100% mistake going) I know how it feels. I wondered to myself if my scummy H told this girl BS like this. The thing is-- up until I found the texts I would have sworn that my H was a good honorable guy. I am losing faith right now. Not anytime soon, really... but eventually I want to find love again. I feel like I will never trust anyone again. Great-- now I have baggage.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

I think I'm a decent guy. I have never and would never cheat, partially because I just think it is wrong in general, but also because I've been cheated on and I know what a number it does on people. I think good people, both men and women, exist, but there are definitely a LOT of stories of infidelity and other things that pop up on here and make you lose faith in humanity. A 2018 study found around 30–40% of unmarried relationships and 18–20% of marriages see at least one incident of sexual infidelity. If these numbers are accurate (and I've seen higher in some places), the majority of people are not creeps. We're out there, but unfortunately I think a lot of the creeps are more forward and make the rest of us look bad.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I think part of the problem is that I met my stbxh when I was 20 so when I was dating--no one was really married. So I never saw this side of it. My parents are married forever and devoted to each other and this feels like a bad eye opening experience. Like I said --up until I found the texts, I would have swore my H was an honorable guy. My parents used to comment how he is a "straight arrow". Then this married guy comes along and has no issue breaking his vows.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't know what to tell you. Most "good men" are invisible.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Everyone has “baggage,” it’s just part of being human. I think having trust issues over what you’ve recently been through is totally natural. And it’s okay to grieve on your own, the loss of your relationship. That doesn’t make you weak, it’s part of healing.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. You see bad men everywhere because you are biased toward finding them. 

It's like when you buy a new car. Once you settle on what you want, you start seeing them everywhere. It's just how the brain works.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like birds of a feather flock together to me. Your h and his equally sucky “friends”….
Just think, your husband has friends that would bang his wife at first opportunity.
Lol, he truly lives the life he earned.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes I did tell him to back off and like I said, I was naive- I didn't think it was a date.


It was naïve, but at the same time I can see why you went. You wanted someone to talk to and I bet he was real nice and supportive prior to the kiss attempt. This just reinforces my attitude that married men and women shouldn't be with each other solo. What would have been great is if he AND his wife met to talk with you, but this guy was a predator and wanted to take advantage of the state you are in. Really disgusting. He is a disgusting human, not disgusting man. Given that he is your husband's friend does it really surprise you?

Please know we aren't all like that. 35 years with the same women and never have I been tempted to cheat on her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> "revenge affair" This. He invited me to his house -- there is no way in hell. I totally learned my lesson. I am totally not ready to date and I certainly would never date a married man. (I made a 100% mistake going) I know how it feels. I wondered to myself if my scummy H told this girl BS like this. *The thing is-- up until I found the texts I would have sworn that my H was a good honorable guy.* I am losing faith right now. Not anytime soon, really... but eventually I want to find love again. I feel like I will never trust anyone again. Great-- now I have baggage.


Don't feel bad about this. The takers find the givers and prey on them. I was almost fooled, I came so close to marrying a guy and getting trapped in a horrible situation because he completely tricked me. They figure out what to say and how to say it, what we want to hear and what we want to believe and they lie in a way that we never could. He is the bad guy here, because he lied to you and wasted years of your life, and he did it on purpose. He was able to fool you because that level of immorality seems insane to you, you never suspected another person was like that.

It helped me looking back to tell myself that all those people who hurt me were something I had to go through to become the person I needed to be. I'm not at all a "church" person any more, but I do believe in God and there IS a plan and a purpose. You call it baggage, but what it really is, is experience. There is a huge difference between cynicism and wisdom.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom is spot on. Do not feel bad about your husband fooling you. Use it as a learning experience. There are some people in this world who are selfish and take advantage of others and that is through no fault of those who they take advantage of. I think now you have had your eyes opened to that and will see some red flags earlier than you did with your STBX. It stinks you had to go through this, but negative things can have positive outcomes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Lesson learned. I have been out of the "men" world for so many years. I don't know wth I am doing. Thank you Diana, you have been so supportive. I am feeling so disgusted and disenchanted right now.


Yes I understand. I was out of the man/dating world for about 27 years, it's not easy to face it all again is it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It was naïve, but at the same time I can see why you went. You wanted someone to talk to and I bet he was real nice and supportive prior to the kiss attempt. This just reinforces my attitude that married men and women shouldn't be with each other solo. What would have been great is if he AND his wife met to talk with you, but this guy was a predator and wanted to take advantage of the state you are in. Really disgusting. He is a disgusting human, not disgusting man. Given that he is your husband's friend does it really surprise you?
> 
> Please know we aren't all like that. 35 years with the same women and never have I been tempted to cheat on her.


You are one of the good guys😊


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

You are all so wise and helpful! Thank you! (trying to restore faith in humanity here!)


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> You are all so wise and helpful! Thank you! (trying to restore faith in humanity here!)


You'll be fine. This is a tough time and these are normal feelings for you to have right now. You have enough self-awareness to pull through this and make lemonade out of these lemons you've been given.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

thissucks7788 said:


> You are all so wise and helpful! Thank you! (trying to restore faith in humanity here!)


What your friend did is so immature. He tried to kiss you saying he talked about divorce with his wife?  BTW, how old is he?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> "revenge affair" This. He invited me to his house -- there is no way in hell. I totally learned my lesson. I am totally not ready to date and I certainly would never date a married man. (I made a 100% mistake going) I know how it feels. I wondered to myself if my scummy H told this girl BS like this. The thing is-- up until I found the texts I would have sworn that my H was a good honorable guy. I am losing faith right now. Not anytime soon, really... but eventually I want to find love again. I feel like I will never trust anyone again. Great-- now I have baggage.


Believe me I was very weighed down with baggage but somehow still managed to find a good man second time round and was also able to learn to trust again. 
You may need to do what I did and have a long time away from men and dating before starting again.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You'll be fine. This is a tough time and these are normal feelings for you to have right now. You have enough self-awareness to pull through this and make lemonade out of these lemons you've been given.


Love you TexasMom1216!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What your friend did is so immature. He tried to kiss you saying he talked about divorce with his wife?  BTW, how old is he?


I don't know exactly but in his mid 60's.(I'm in my 40's.)


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

thissucks7788 said:


> I don't know exactly but in his mid 60's.(I'm in my 40's.)


ok, cheers...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> I don't know exactly but in his mid 60's.(I'm in my 40's.)


That is really sad how these "mature" men around you are behaving.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

*[T]here's a very prevalent mythology that divorced women are lonely and desperate and therefore easy prey, this guy was likely thinking that you'd be interested in a "revenge affair" and wanted to be the first to the gate. People usually assume everyone has the same morals they do, which is what you did when you thought he was sincere and what he did when he thought you'd cheat with him. I hope you do tell the wife because it is unlikely you are the first and you for sure won't be the last. She deserves to know what he's doing to her.*

Words of wisdom. Take heed!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


Well that's the kind of smarmy friends your husband has. Be sure and let him know so that he can no longer enjoy the benefit of whatever that snake's friendship offered him. It's just all about sex. No ethics involved. Your husband's friend is an opportunistic feeder. And it's likely your husband knows that's exactly who he is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> All men are not creeps. It's the 98% that give the other 2% a bad rap.


I would say most men think with their d!ck. This can be a good or a bad thing... usually bad...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There are loads of fabulous men out there, but you are in a vulnerable state and the creeps sniff that sort of thing out. I've been there...creeps are opportunistic.

Lesson #1 here is don't look to men for emotional support....especially not married men. Not suggesting you did anything wrong, but you see what can happen when you're in a vulnerable state. Get support from your girlfriends and your family.

Next, forget these 15+ years older guys. When you're ready find one within 10 years of you.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> There are loads of fabulous men out there, but you are in a vulnerable state and the creeps sniff that sort of thing out. I've been there...creeps are opportunistic.
> 
> Lesson #1 here is don't look to men for emotional support....especially not married men. Not suggesting you did anything wrong, but you see what can happen when you're in a vulnerable state. Get support from your girlfriends and your family.
> 
> Next, forget these 15+ years older guys. When you're ready find one within 10 years of you.


Agreed with everything you said. I have zero desire to date anyone. Lesson learned about male support. I have no interest in a much older guy -- when I eventually take the plunge I am looking for one my own age. I can't believe the sh&t show that is going on. It's like I was just exposed to some weird effed up world.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Agreed with everything you said. I have zero desire to date anyone. Lesson learned about male support. I have no interest in a much older guy -- when I eventually take the plunge I am looking for one my own age. I can't believe the sh&t show that is going on. It's like I was just exposed to some weird effed up world.


When I got divorced I couldn't believe how men started coming out of the woodwork!

Apparent us 40 somethings are in demand 😀

But since i found one I liked pretty quickly and he's always with me at the athletic events I go to nobody bothers me 😁


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sfort said:


> *[T]here's a very prevalent mythology that divorced women are lonely and desperate and therefore easy prey, this guy was likely thinking that you'd be interested in a "revenge affair" and wanted to be the first to the gate. People usually assume everyone has the same morals they do, which is what you did when you thought he was sincere and what he did when he thought you'd cheat with him. I hope you do tell the wife because it is unlikely you are the first and you for sure won't be the last. She deserves to know what he's doing to her.*
> 
> Words of wisdom. Take heed!


I agree it's a myth. Just like on some recent thread, there was the myth that it's a crisis if a certain percentage of women don't marry because they don't find a man they would have, in other words, they have standards. I guess it's only a crisis to the men who think those women should be settling to have sex with them so they can all get laid. I tried to find where I saw that but honestly there's so much of that type nonsense on TAM that a search was futile.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is really sad how these "mature" men around you are behaving.


Age doesn't always bring wisdom or integrity sadly.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I would say most men think with their d!ck. This can be a good or a bad thing... usually bad...


Ask Johnny Depp how that's going for him... 😂 😉 It's astounding how people are just SHOCKED to see fleas after they lie down with dogs.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Ask Johnny Depp how that's going for him... 😂 😉 It's astounding how people are just SHOCKED to see fleas after they lie down with dogs.


I'm stealing that phrase!!!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

There are still good men out there, just like there are still good women. We just can't let what has happened to us taint our views


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...



Love him or hate him, Steve Harvey stated bluntly to women that men and women can rarely, if ever, be friends. The guy "friend" is just basically waiting for her to give him a go signal. I don't know if that is the experience of whatever percentage of women - but it was my experience all my adult life - so my personal experience aligns with Harvey on this point. 

Even being very clearly married, I got propositioned by men who even were just contractors for our home. It was always unnerving and I always felt betrayed and at a loss (since they got fired for making an unwelcome overture.)

Without going into the long, drawn out explanation - I do firmly believe that men are hyped up on testosterone, which really overrides their ability to separate their sexual urges around women (just focusing on hetero for this discussion). I'm not excusing them but that hormone is insanely powerful and it takes discipline and training for a man to curb his thinking and behavior. 

( I do have a long time gal friend who has male friends but she is also pretty much close to 70 at this point and that ship sailed for her a long time ago anyway. She's the only woman I personally know who has many platonic male friends.)


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

happiness27 said:


> I do firmly believe that men are hyped up on testosterone, which really overrides their ability to separate their sexual urges around women (just focusing on hetero for this discussion). I'm not excusing them but that hormone is insanely powerful and it takes discipline and training for a man to curb his thinking and behavior.


Yeah.... no. Grown ass men are expected to have self-control.



happiness27 said:


> she is also pretty much close to 70 at this point and that ship sailed for her a long time ago anyway.


There are people on this very board in their 70's that still have active sex lives, so her ship may not have sailed just yet.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

happiness27 said:


> Love him or hate him, Steve Harvey stated bluntly to women that men and women can rarely, if ever, be friends. The guy "friend" is just basically waiting for her to give him a go signal. I don't know if that is the experience of whatever percentage of women - but it was my experience all my adult life - so my personal experience aligns with Harvey on this point.
> 
> Even being very clearly married, I got propositioned by men who even were just contractors for our home. It was always unnerving and I always felt betrayed and at a loss (since they got fired for making an unwelcome overture.)
> 
> ...


I've had male friends whose primary interest in me wasn't sex. I know this because at least a couple of them HAD the green light. We had some mutual interests. This is why if you want a good man, you need to find one who has other interests and some substance and isn't squandering his life in the singular pursuit of sex.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes I did tell him to back off and like I said, I was naive- I didn't think it was a date.


I agree with you! Sounds like some here want to consider this "a date". Apparently, a woman and man cannot be in the same room without 'dating'.... I fully understand what you were doing, and I did something very similar to try to recoil from my nasty ex. 

What I suspect is just that your husband (ex) has no moral compass, he likely associates with men that are the same. While I'd like to say 'all men are not like that', I have found a LOT of men just are. I will NOT romantically pursue any woman in a situation like this. But I can tell you, my ex and I took a few weeks apart, and during that time, her little Catholic cult community blew up her phone with, "so I haven't seen him around, you wanna go out?"

I'd say get well outside that man's circle! Married means nothing these days.....to men or women.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I was young I read that very few men will spend the time, energy and effort being friends with women unless they think at least the possibility of sex at some point is there. I was naive then and didn’t believe it. Time has proved me wrong.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Openminded said:


> When I was young I read that very few men will spend the time, energy and effort being friends with women unless they think at least the possibility of sex at some point is there. I was naive then and didn’t believe it. Time has proved me wrong.


I think it very much depends on the kind of men you're around. The dark manosphere-MGTOW-"I'm-your-captain-now" crowd just see women as objects and don't see any real value to them other than sex, breeding or housework. More confident, alpha-male types tend to see the person more than the body parts. I know a mix of men and I have male friends; they're not BFFs or anything but they're friends. They're also friends with my husband and there's nothing untoward, we're not going to dinner alone or anything like that, but they're still friends.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think it very much depends on the kind of men you're around. The dark manosphere-MGTOW-"I'm-your-captain-now" crowd just see women as objects and don't see any real value to them other than sex, breeding or housework. More confident, alpha-male types tend to see the person more than the body parts. I know a mix of men and I have male friends; they're not BFFs or anything but they're friends. They're also friends with my husband and there's nothing untoward, we're not going to dinner alone or anything like that, but they're still friends.


I'm curious, do you think you would feel awkward going on a one on one lunch or dinner with one of those friends?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

happiness27 said:


> Love him or hate him, Steve Harvey stated bluntly to women that men and women can rarely, if ever, be friends. The guy "friend" is just basically waiting for her to give him a go signal. I don't know if that is the experience of whatever percentage of women - but it was my experience all my adult life - so my personal experience aligns with Harvey on this point.
> 
> Even being very clearly married, I got propositioned by men who even were just contractors for our home. It was always unnerving and I always felt betrayed and at a loss (since they got fired for making an unwelcome overture.)
> 
> ...


This was many years ago but I had a repairman over and I was pissed off at my hb at the time...my kids father.

I was in a sour mood and made an off hand remark about my hb being an asshole.

The guy actually tried to kiss me...he took my remark as an invitation.

I was young and naive...lesson learned.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm curious, do you think you would feel awkward going on a one on one lunch or dinner with one of those friends?


As I said in my post, we don't go to dinner alone or anything like that. So no, they're friends but they're still men. My husband has female friends, who are friends, but still women. We respect our marriages and keep an eye out for anything that could lead to the appearance of impropriety out of respect for our spouses; that is something we ALL do, but it doesn't mean that we aren't friends. There is a difference between a male friend and a female friend, the same as there is a difference between my very close friends and my acquaintances.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> As I said in my post, we don't go to dinner alone or anything like that. So no, they're friends but they're still men. My husband has female friends, who are friends, but still women. We respect our marriages and keep an eye out for anything that could lead to the appearance of impropriety out of respect for our spouses; that is something we ALL do, but it doesn't mean that we aren't friends. There is a difference between a male friend and a female friend, the same as there is a difference between my very close friends and my acquaintances.


I was only asking because my wife and I do have people of the opposite sex that we consider friends. However, we would never go out with them one on one in a strictly social setting. I've even shared a story about my wife somewhat unintentionally ending up at lunch solo with a married male colleague/friend years ago and she and he both felt very awkward. If felt too much like a date, even though that wasn't the intent. I was just curious if you felt the same way. Friends okay, "dates" not okay. Wonder if we are odd or not, lol.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Am I just running into some bad apples here?


Yes


thissucks7788 said:


> Please help me regain some faith in men again-- I always felt good about them. Seriously --good men what do you have to say?


Your husband and his friend are bird of a feather. They may both have the same philosophy. BTW you owe the "friends" wife to tell her what happened. What he did is evil on many levels. Maybe your husband put him up to it? To have a way of accusing you during the divorce? Is adultery a legal 'cause' in state where you live? Does it make any difference in court? 

Honestly, as vulnerable as you are now, my advice would be to meet with NO man married or otherwise until the whole thing with your husband is over with. And NEVER a married man w/o his wife present. In fact, a married man with any integrity would not meet with another female unless his wife is sitting next to him. Just this old (married) guy's opinion.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> There are loads of fabulous men out there, but you are in a vulnerable state and the creeps sniff that sort of thing out. I've been there...creeps are opportunistic.
> 
> Lesson #1 here is don't look to men for emotional support....especially not married men. Not suggesting you did anything wrong, but you see what can happen when you're in a vulnerable state. Get support from your girlfriends and your family.
> 
> Next, forget these 15+ years older guys. When you're ready find one within 10 years of you.


Great advice about not looking to men for emotional support. At least until you feel you know one well enough that they can be trusted with that.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

theloveofmylife said:


> Yeah.... no. Grown ass men are expected to have self-control.
> 
> 
> 
> There are people on this very board in their 70's that still have active sex lives, so her ship may not have sailed just yet.


Yes, there are the mores in the sky - the tablets of moral behavior - that men are "expected" to have. For we women, we are all too familiar with the reality of what happens when they think nobody is looking or going to see them or find out. I have a PILE of stories about how men actually behave and so do tons of other women.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I agree with you! Sounds like some here want to consider this "a date". Apparently, a woman and man cannot be in the same room without 'dating'.... I fully understand what you were doing, and I did something very similar to try to recoil from my nasty ex.
> 
> What I suspect is just that your husband (ex) has no moral compass, he likely associates with men that are the same. While I'd like to say 'all men are not like that', I have found a LOT of men just are. I will NOT romantically pursue any woman in a situation like this. But I can tell you, my ex and I took a few weeks apart, and during that time, her little Catholic cult community blew up her phone with, "so I haven't seen him around, you wanna go out?"
> 
> I'd say get well outside that man's circle! Married means nothing these days.....to men or women.


To him though it was a date. That is the point.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

happiness27 said:


> Yes, there are the mores in the sky - the tablets of moral behavior - that men are "expected" to have. For we women, we are all too familiar with the reality of what happens when they think nobody is looking or going to see them or find out. I have a PILE of stories about how men actually behave and so do tons of other women.


Thankfully though there are many men who do have integrity and strong values.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> To him though it was a date. That is the point.


For so many reasons, that is not a good point. He is married. That alone should nullify any "date". He knows this woman, knows her story, and knows the situation. I can tell you when my best friend and his ex parted ways, I was single, but she asked me to meet. I KNEW that did not mean "I want a date", it meant she was going through a rough time and wanted guidance and help. Not even once did I look at it any other way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

happiness27 said:


> Yes, there are the mores in the sky - the tablets of moral behavior - that men are "expected" to have. For we women, we are all too familiar with the reality of what happens when they think nobody is looking or going to see them or find out. I have a PILE of stories about how men actually behave and so do tons of other women.


Sadly, this is true. The "expectations" of men to control their behavior are also very fluid. When men behave badly toward women, society blames the woman. We have to protect ourselves.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I was only asking because my wife and I do have people of the opposite sex that we consider friends. However, we would never go out with them one on one in a strictly social setting. I've even shared a story about my wife somewhat unintentionally ending up at lunch solo with a married male colleague/friend years ago and *she and he both felt very awkward*. If felt too much like a date, even though that wasn't the intent. I was just curious if you felt the same way. Friends okay, "dates" not okay. Wonder if we are odd or not, lol.


I believe that instincts are often not given the credit they deserve. Underneath it all, we are animals and nature has provided us with the instinctual ability to recognize danger as a method of self-preservation. If something feels wrong, it probably is, and it's wise to err on the side of caution.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> To him though it was a date. That is the point.


He was just wishful thinking. He was a vulture, and I've had the same thing happen to me, except he wasn't married at least. I wish mine had revealed himself way sooner than he had because made it look like I did have a relationship with him to other people which I think was his intent.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


Just avoid all your STBXHs "friends". Like @ Texasmom said, birds of a feather flock together. I'm not surprised at all, who do you think has been encouraging your ex in his shenanigans? I'd stick to my own friends, and be careful with men while you're so vulnerable. I certainly don't think men and women can't be friends, but there's a line of intimacy I personally try not to cross to keep it that way. 

There are decent people out there, I've met so many! Yes, there are creeps, but I've been fortunate enough to meet many decent married and single men who were never inappropriate even when they were trying to make a pass at me (hopefully the single ones!).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't be surprised if this scumbag was going to report his results back to your stbx.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if this scumbag was going to report his results back to your stbx.


See, going to a meal one on one with the opposite sex can be a challenge without pre-conditions that hey it ain't no way no how a date.

And sadly perhaps, perhaps not but realistically it shows some guys at any age will dangle a hook to see if any nibbles. The married guys are d!ck$, but it's common, normal, almost expected for a single guy.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

happiness27 said:


> I have a PILE of stories about how men actually behave and so do tons of other women.


You'll get no argument from me on that point.

The previous comment just sounded like an excuse for them to act badly, instinct or whatever. I just don't buy that. They make choices when tempted, good ones or bad ones, just like everyone else.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think it is possible for men to be friends with women for example family members like cousins or let’s say if they are actually happily married and not cheating scum then sure; but then both people need to be on the same page.

My wife has a collection of men friends from high school. Some are gay. Others are just total dorks that otherwise have their own families now and such. I don’t monitor her interactions with them at all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

happiness27 said:


> Yes, there are the mores in the sky - the tablets of moral behavior - that men are "expected" to have. For we women, we are all too familiar with the reality of what happens when they think nobody is looking or going to see them or find out. I have a PILE of stories about how men actually behave and so do tons of other women.


But, do you have any similar stories of women?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> See, going to a meal one on one with the opposite sex can be a challenge without pre-conditions that hey it ain't no way no how a date.
> 
> And sadly perhaps, perhaps not but realistically it shows some guys at any age will dangle a hook to see if any nibbles. The married guys are d!ck$, but it's common, normal, almost expected for a single guy.


Reminds me of the King of the Hill where Boomhauer takes Bobby to the mall to teach him how to pick up women.

Turns out he just propositions every woman that catches his eye until someone says yes.

When Bobby mentions finding love, Boomhauer laughs and mumbles something like "what are you talking about with love?".

I love KOTH 😀


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


I'm not a good guy, but I have to say...

Cheaters are a type and they comprise the majority, society now is also socially acceptant of it. It's not about who you trust it's about *what you* *trust* *them* *to do.* 
Take this as a learning experience of what to watch out for, and you'll learn to better separate the wheat from the chaff moving forward.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think it is possible for men to be friends with women for example family members like cousins or let’s say if they are actually happily married and not cheating scum then sure; but then both people need to be on the same page.
> 
> My wife has a collection of men friends from high school. Some are gay. Others are just total dorks that otherwise have their own families now and such. I don’t monitor her interactions with them at all.


I've found that opposite sex friends work best if they become couple friends.

I will speak to women because i am one.....women cam be a lot more territorial then many men realize. In my experience women who try to hold on to men friends without making any effort to befriend the wife/gf tend to like the attention and have poor boundaries. I can think of a couple of women like that off the top of my head.

Others may have different experiences of course, bur I wouldn't continue a regular friendship with a partnered man without including his gf/wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But, do you have any similar stories of women?


Like what?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> For so many reasons, that is not a good point. He is married. That alone should nullify any "date". He knows this woman, knows her story, and knows the situation. I can tell you when my best friend and his ex parted ways, I was single, but she asked me to meet. I KNEW that did not mean "I want a date", it meant she was going through a rough time and wanted guidance and help. Not even once did I look at it any other way.


He was treating it as a date with the intention of getting off with her. Married or not.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Crappy people tend to stick together so it seems like your ex and his buddy have a lot in common. Rest assured I have encountered plenty of opportunistic creeps amongst the female population too. Some people suck. I've been where you are. Try not to let the few bad examples of humans contaminate your world view.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> ........Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


First focus on what you said in your post. "he was a good friend of your cheating husband." So your cheating husband had a lot in common with this cheater and that is probably why they were such good friends.

Noe not all guys are like that. I have been married for over 50 years to my wife. The only time I have though of cheating and divorcing her is when she stopped having sex with me, told me she had no sexual desire for me, and never wanted to ever again have sex with me. I worked on saving my marriage and she eventually learned it was worth saving so we both worked on saving the marriage. That was over 10 years ago. I am glad, I just didn't give up on her. Had she not changed, I had promised myself I was going to change myself, divorce her and then find someone else. It didn't come to that.

I think you have been looking in the wrong places. You should first heal yourself emotionally. Then divorce him, if that is what the two of you want. Then find someone else, but look for men in different areas.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Captain Obvious said:


> Why would you willingly go on a date with a married man? And yes, it was a date. You need to tell this other scumnag's wife what he's been trying to pull of asap. Have you told him to back off?


She did not go out on a date with a married man. She did nothing wrong. So please stop trying to blame her for being an emotional wreck who a vile person reached out to using the disguise of being a friend.

However, telling his wife would be an option for consideration.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> Everyone has “baggage,” it’s just part of being human. I think having trust issues over what you’ve recently been through is totally natural. And it’s okay to grieve on your own, the loss of your relationship. That doesn’t make you weak, it’s part of healing.


Don't look at is as baggage. Look at is as brain expansion!


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


Don't be too quick to blame one sex or another. My ex wife had an affair, destroyed our marriage...took half my money and now I get to make idle chit chat with the guy she had an affair with when I go to see my kids.

I'm with you on the institution of marriage though. Never again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Alpinglow said:


> Don't be too quick to blame on sex or another. My ex wife had an affair, destroyed our marriage...took half my money and now I get to make idle chit chat with the guy she had an affair with when I go to see my kids.
> 
> I'm with you on the institution of marriage though. Never again.


It's not the institution of marriage that is the problem, it's those who don't value it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So you have a bad experience with two men and these clowns represent the entire male gender? 

Yes we're ALL like this and you shouldn't have faith in men.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes I did tell him to back off and like I said, I was naive- I didn't think it was a date.


With your logic one might ask if all women are this naive?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's not the institution of marriage that is the problem, it's those who don't value it.


Marriage is one of the best things in my life.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> She did not go out on a date with a married man. She did nothing wrong. So please stop trying to blame her for being an emotional wreck who a vile person reached out to using the disguise of being a friend.
> 
> *However, telling his wife would be an option for consideration.*


I approve!!! 

Hehehehe


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I've found that opposite sex friends work best if they become couple friends.
> 
> I will speak to women because i am one.....women cam be a lot more territorial then many men realize. In my experience women who try to hold on to men friends without making any effort to befriend the wife/gf tend to like the attention and have poor boundaries. I can think of a couple of women like that off the top of my head.
> 
> Others may have different experiences of course, bur I wouldn't continue a regular friendship with a partnered man without including his gf/wife.


This is definitely true in my wife’s case.

I don’t really have any women friends I would say. Like I wouldn’t text anyone and ask them to meet at a bar for a drink to where it wouldn’t be weird. They might come but it would be weird.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is definitely true in my wife’s case.
> 
> I don’t really have any women friends I would say. Like I wouldn’t text anyone and ask them to meet at a bar for a drink to where it wouldn’t be weird. They might come but it would be weird.


I have a few male work friends but we don't talk or hang out beyond work. Two of them like to talk politics with me and a 3rd rides bikes and runs like me so we chat about our workouts and races. My bf knows him and to his credit said guy goes out of his way to he friendly with my bf...he understands how this works. And like the other two we also don't meet outside of work.

I have one guy in my group that has a similar job description and is close to my age and we bs sometimes over Teams, but nothing that can't be shared. He lives with his gf and I ask about her all the time....he says she appreciates that.

The key is to be friendly with the women. Us women can sniff out the attention whores and we don't like it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if this scumbag was going to report his results back to your stbx.


Either that or STBX was trying to Palm her off on the creep?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Please know we aren't all like that. 35 years with the same women and never have I been tempted to cheat on her.


Standing applauses


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Basic math and demography makes weaker the old image (perhaps long ago was nearer to thruth) of most of men cheating with few of "those" women. 
It seems the that the increasing trend applies to both genders or even that the perceived gap is fastly closing.

That said and not expecting a medal for what is not epic, I never cheated.
And as another man here, I never felt tempted to do it.
To be honest, neither even one of my friends did it. 

There are some other criteria that builds a good man.
My three daughters (I rised them as a single father) say that I am one of them.
Don´t come from a very objective source as you may see. But it´s enough for me.

Best wishes


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

TELL. HIS. WIFE.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

hmm, yes you encountered a couple of guys who seem to be in a problem area. The second one seems to be having his own set of problems and instead of dealing with it he's trying to put his attention on something else hoping it will go away. It won't. As a rule I do not meet wife's friends or my own female friends without my wife present. If you have to talk, use the phone. But you have to maintain distance if you don't want these things to happen. I don't mean this in a way that this was your fault or something, but you have you be careful of what someone might construe, or might be laboring under a misapprehension.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t really have any women friends I would say.


I have lots of female friends!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@thissucks7788 All the men in your close circle are vile. They are vile because, in general, the only men you know are men your husband knows. Therefore they are men he chooses to associate with. All men of his own character.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I have lots of female friends!


I mean I am not a wooden stick or something like that, I interact with lots of women but mainly in group settings and often with my wife. I wouldn’t message one of them and say, “Hey pal let’s go do X.” 

Even a lady I worked out with for years in classes and such, I know her husband too. Worked out with both of them. If she said, “Hey do you want to meet at X and do hill sprints?” I would go, but then I wouldn’t go out for coffee after or anything like that where we’re just sitting there chatting if it was just us. I wouldn’t talk with her about how I feel about my own personal life like I _might_ with one of my good friends.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I mean I am not a wooden stick or something like that, I interact with lots of women but mainly in group settings and often with my wife. I wouldn’t message one of them and say, “Hey pal let’s go do X.”
> 
> Even a lady I worked out with for years in classes and such, I know her husband too. Worked out with both of them. If she said, “Hey do you want to meet at X and do hill sprints?” I would go, but then I wouldn’t go out for coffee after or anything like that where we’re just sitting there chatting if it was just us. I wouldn’t talk with her about how I feel about my own personal life like I _might_ with one of my good friends.


Along those lines I do have a track buddy that is about the same speed as me, and since we're faster then average we can't run with most of the people who show up to this track workout. But we meet at the scheduled time with the larger group and then we run together. He's not married but sometimes has a gf.

We do chat about our personal lives but it's along the lines of how's the gf/bf/kids/everything ok? We're close in age so we have things in common. But like you said we don't go out after... we run and then leave to go our own ways.

We can go months without speaking and them text a bit, but the texts are strictly running related. Hey...are you doing the 10k/what time are you shooting for/want to start together type of thing.

Opposite sex friends are possible when you're partnered, they just require strict boundaries and I still think it's best to be a couple friend if you're going to socialize.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Marriage is one of the best things in my life.


Absolutely!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Marriage is one of the best things in my life.


Not in mine. 🤣🤣🤣


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I mean I am not a wooden stick or something like that, I interact with lots of women but mainly in group settings and often with my wife. I wouldn’t message one of them and say, “Hey pal let’s go do X.”
> 
> Even a lady I worked out with for years in classes and such, I know her husband too. Worked out with both of them. If she said, “Hey do you want to meet at X and do hill sprints?” I would go, but then I wouldn’t go out for coffee after or anything like that where we’re just sitting there chatting if it was just us. I wouldn’t talk with her about how I feel about my own personal life like I _might_ with one of my good friends.


There are one or two women I'm friends with at the gym, of the few that are my age. I'll give them a spot and we'll talk sports or politics. Honestly they are more like one of the guys, but I still wouldn't be comfortable socializing outside of the gym. The rest of the women are 20 somethings that spend hours on end working on their glutes, lol.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Not in mine. 🤣🤣🤣


That's a major understatement in your case, lol. Sadly these days it only seems to work out for about half of us.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I pretty much agree with how @lifeistooshort handles her track buddy. I am a nice young man and fairly old fashioned when it comes to these things.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Not in mine. 🤣🤣🤣


or mine...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> I wouldn’t message one of them and say, “Hey pal let’s go do X.”


I wouldn't either... but if I meet a female friend in the pub, by chance, we will have a chat...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had two female friends. Had, being the operative word. They both wanted me to leave my wife and marry them. Why? Apparently they thought I'd make a good father for their children. Sometimes people suck.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> I had two female friends. Had, being the operative word. They both wanted me to leave my wife and marry them. Why? Apparently they thought I'd make a good father for their children. Sometimes people suck.


I never ever realized that marriage meant so little to so many. Glad you got rid of them- nothing but heartache on this side. You did the right thing-- okay some faith being restored


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> I wouldn’t message one of them and say, “Hey pal let’s go do X.”


On infrequent occasion, I do exactly that.

So it can be to go for coffee, or to a pub for a feed and drinks, or a visit to an art gallery.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I wouldn't either... but if I meet a female friend in the pub, by chance, we will have a chat...


Yep and likewise, when I have bumped into a female friend in the street, I will sometimes suggest we grab a coffee together to catch up or they will suggest it otherwise.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Along those lines I do have a track buddy that is about the same speed as me, and since we're faster then average we can't run with most of the people who show up to this track workout. But we meet at the scheduled time with the larger group and then we run together. He's not married but sometimes has a gf.
> 
> We do chat about our personal lives but it's along the lines of how's the gf/bf/kids/everything ok? We're close in age so we have things in common. But like you said we don't go out after... we run and then leave to go our own ways.
> 
> ...


This is similar to how I handle some of my female friends at work. I don't do lunches except in groups, when we talk about family it's mostly general stuff and I try to be supportive but I don't really get into much depth. For instance with Coved when one of their love ones got sick, I checked up on them. Thinks like that. I think this is fine with the right boundaries.

One of my friends lives close and is a foody like I am, so I am often telling my wife about the new restaurants she has gone to and tells me about. I have nothing to hide. My wife tells me about people from her work too.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I wouldn't either... but if I meet a female friend in the pub, by chance, we will have a chat...


Oh yeah sure. But I wouldn’t make a date to meet them.

I think in high school maybe only a few times I went to girls houses I considered pure friends where I didn’t have a thing for them and no nefarious interest. I think two girls came over to my house one time and they were both cheerleaders and my mom was elated until she figured out we were just buddies.

In college maybe one girl I would meet for lunch sometimes and she had a boyfriend but once I knew she wasn’t interested I still liked her because she had something about her that I can’t describe, so I would still go to lunch with her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DownButNotOut said:


> I don't know what to tell you. Most "good men" are invisible.


Agree. Nothing about what we perceive as good mens' priorities says "chasing tail".


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> When I got divorced I couldn't believe how men started coming out of the woodwork!
> 
> Apparent us 40 somethings are in demand 😀


Above mid-30s maybe, single people of either gender are in demand and the quality ones tend to get scooped up fairly quickly if they want to be partnered again.

Makes sense too. At an age where most people are partnered / married, single people have a relatively small pool and a new entrant attracts attention.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> With your logic one might ask if all women are this naive?


This is just an example of where a man misrepresented himself and basically lied. She thought he was a friend. She'll never make that mistake again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> When I got divorced I couldn't believe how men started coming out of the woodwork!
> 
> Apparent us 40 somethings are in demand 😀
> 
> But since i found one I liked pretty quickly and he's always with me at the athletic events I go to nobody bothers me 😁


I tell you what, it really helps to have male friends around when you go through any kind of breakup. I wasn't married but when I had a major breakup and was really down and also had an old best girlfriend betray me in the mix, word got around, and some guys came out to support me. My living room had as much traffic as George Sand's parlor. I remember putting in my diary that four of them together pretty much met my different needs during that time, but that no one of them was the right one. They each helped me in different ways, emotionally, business advice, sex, getting me out of the house to see music, and keeping me fed. I'm pretty sure most of them all knew about the other ones because we all knew each other. But it was a time when I was very down and depressed, and I thank them for distracting me in a very nice way and lifting me up enough to keep my head above water. Sometimes it really does take a village 🤣.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My living room had as much traffic as George Sand's parlor.


I had to look up this reference. 😊 I learned something new today!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"Good men" wonder why so many women make such lousy choices?

Also, and this is likely going to sound harsh, but will have to ask you to trust that it isn't intended that way. Good men, never, ever, rely on the evaluation or measure of a woman to determine their caliber or self worth.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Deejo said:


> "Good men" wonder why so many women make such lousy choices?
> 
> Also, and this is likely going to sound harsh, but will have to ask you to trust that it isn't intended that way. Good men, never, ever, rely on the evaluation or measure of a woman to determine their caliber or self worth.


Because they don't care.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because they don't care.


Correct.

You would prefer a man who predicates his behavior on what he thinks you want or what he believes he can get from you? I can assure you, that is not a good man.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Deejo said:


> Correct.
> 
> You would prefer a man who predicates his behavior on what he thinks you want or what he believes he can get from you? I can assure you, that is not a good man.


It's like you don't know me at all, Deejo. I can't even relate to what you're saying it's so far from reality in my world. I have paid all my rent and mortgages and bills myself my entire life, not relied on anyone else for it. I think you've spent a little too much time in the Dark Deluded Manosphere.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's like you don't know me at all, Deejo. I can't even relate to what you're saying it's so far from reality in my world. I have paid all my rent and mortgages and bills myself my entire life, not relied on anyone else for it. I think you've spent a little too much time in the Dark Deluded Manosphere.


I chose my words poorly. Won't change them now, as they've been quoted anyway, but in rereading after your comment, it reads as condescending and bitter. Neither of which are ever my goals when responding to someone hurting. I apologize for that.

Being taken advantage of, hurt, betrayed, heartbroken or disappointed is certainly a 2 way street for both men and women. We could easily reverse the genders in @thissucks7788 story and the post would still fit right in on these boards.

It can be crushing to believe that you have found a partner who holds themselves to a high standard of behavior and accountability, only to find out it has only ever been self-serving and manipulative. I do stand by the fact that both sexes will market patterns of behavior to 'win' someone, and those patterns are not remotely who they are. 'Good' people simply don't do that.

I suppose we would all be more fortunate if it were easier to spot such people.

The fact that @thissucks7788 philandering husband's friend, in turn read that circumstance as an opportunity to get laid, only makes the whole thing worse. Again, my apologies for how curt and snarky my initial post sounds in the context of OP's circumstances.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

For so many women saying there a "no good men", they sure are getting pregnant a lot


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Deejo said:


> I chose my words poorly. Won't change them now, as they've been quoted anyway, but in rereading after your comment, it reads as condescending and bitter. Neither of which are ever my goals when responding to someone hurting. I apologize for that.
> 
> Being taken advantage of, hurt, betrayed, heartbroken or disappointed is certainly a 2 way street for both men and women. We could easily reverse the genders in @thissucks7788 story and the post would still fit right in on these boards.
> 
> ...


No worries. It would greatly help if we were all psychic and all knew our own minds and were just honest, wouldn't it? But alas, we are human.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This is just an example of where a man misrepresented himself and basically lied. She thought he was a friend. She'll never make that mistake again.


I definitely understand. However she took that experience (with one man) and was questioning (losing faith) men. As I said a few men don't represent the entire male gender just as one woman here (being naive) doesn't mean that the all women are naive.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> I definitely understand. However she took that experience (with one man) and was questioning (losing faith) men. As I said a few men don't represent the entire male gender just as one woman here (being naive) doesn't mean that the all women are naive.


I'm pretty sure it's not just that one experience that made her look at the whole. I think that might have just been the icing on the cake. We've all been there. Like I said, just file it away and consider it brain expansion so you maybe see it coming next time.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

sideways said:


> I definitely understand. However she took that experience (with one man) and was questioning (losing faith) men. As I said a few men don't represent the entire male gender just as one woman here (being naive) doesn't mean that the all women are naive.


I don’t think she was really doing that. I took her post to mean it was overwhelming and she knew it wasn’t all men and was looking for us to talk her off the ledge. There’s a lot of context from other threads that inform this one; taken out of context, I can see what you’re saying. In this specific instance, I don’t think that was her intent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sideways said:


> I definitely understand. However she took that experience (with one man) and was questioning (losing faith) men. As I said a few men don't represent the entire male gender just as one woman here (being naive) doesn't mean that the all women are naive.


It was her experiences with two men. Her husband and his equally squicky friend who, in a way, was the worse of the two because his attitude was: "Yeah. Your husband's horrible and is treating you badly. 

"By the way, my wife doesn't understand me. Wanna screw?" I mean... seriously? Talk about classless!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


Wow! I would just say that many men and women are behaving poorly these days.

I'm appalled by that scum bag's behavior! I'd probably also have a talk with his wife depending on the situation.😵‍💫

Just to put things in perspective,. I had three friends get divorced last year because their wives were cheating.

One traded my friend in for a younger model she met on Facebook and two actually expected their husbands to financially support them and babysit while they were screwing their boyfriends.

The last two actually lost primary custody of the kids to the fathers because of their shenanigans.

I guess everyone with some integrity just needs to watch out because there are so many rotten folks out there that are acting like they need muzzled and leashed.

All I can say is I know some good men myself and I'm going on 31 years with my wife (27 married) with my wife and I've never ran after another. Especially a twenty Year old or a friend for crying out loud!

I'm sorry the idiot behaved that way but I'm glad you found out about his character.

Just be cautious because there are too many like him.

There are some like my friends though.🙂


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I agree with Conan. 
Many of both sexes going to crap and some of those who were good of both seem to be acting out like it’s some kind of contagion.

I’ve been told I’m a good man, but I would have no interest in another relationship of one I’m in now goes south. I know a few men, and couple women who feel the same.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t think she was really doing that. I took her post to mean it was overwhelming and she knew it wasn’t all men and was looking for us to talk her off the ledge. There’s a lot of context from other threads that inform this one; taken out of context, I can see what you’re saying. In this specific instance, I don’t think that was her intent.


This. Thank you!!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Wow! I would just say that many men and women are behaving poorly these days.
> 
> I'm appalled by that scum bag's behavior! I'd probably also have a talk with his wife depending on the situation.😵‍💫
> 
> ...


"There's many men and women behaving poorly these days".

EXACTLY!!!

There's $hitty men and women out there but they certainly do NOT represent their entire gender.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Wow! I would just say that many men and women are behaving poorly these days.
> 
> I'm appalled by that scum bag's behavior! I'd probably also have a talk with his wife depending on the situation.😵‍💫
> 
> ...


Wow, Conan- That is seriously eye-opening. I know deep down that it is not only and all men, but being a female and having all of these experiences suddenly is just crazy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Wow, Conan- That is seriously eye-opening. I know deep down that it is not only and all men, but being a female and having all of these experiences suddenly is just crazy.


If I didn't keep track, here and in other trend keeping areas, I would be convinced a madness had overtaken women because of anecdotal (personal) experience.😉


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Yeah, I get it… Both sexes can be pretty crappy. I think though after being married for so many years and having things end the way they did —-then stepping out after all this time and have this happen was completely overwhelming. I swear, things are just so ridiculous that sometimes I think I woke up in the twilight zone. Tam fam is keeping me grounded though. Also, keeping my sanity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or feed him some of those black eyed peas we gave Earl. 😈 See if anyone misses him.


Found it. LoL!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Ooh. You're going to have to clue me in on the black eyed pea thing.
> 
> Does that have anything to do with "Fried Green Tomatoes"?


No, it's a Dixie Chicks song. "Goodbye, Earl."
But "Fried Green Tomatoes" had excellent ideas for dealing with an abuser. And his defenders.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Found it. LoL!


Back before they hated America... I LOVE her voice. I wish I looked like Kate Beckinsale and sang like her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Don't you believe there should be an allowance for publicly beating such a man?


No, but I believe strong words of opprobrium might be in order.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> No, but I believe strong words of opprobrium might be in order.


Lol- I had to look up that word. Good one!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

sideways said:


> "There's many men and women behaving poorly these days".
> 
> EXACTLY!!!
> 
> There's $hitty men and women out there but they certainly do NOT represent their entire gender.


I'm a ****ty man yet always met good women

Sorry good men!


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## WhatNextDad (May 8, 2018)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> Please help me regain some faith in men again-- I always felt good about them. Seriously --good men what do you have to say?


You make this sound like it is a problem with men but I am a man who wanted to be monogamous with his wife and I can relate to your situation. We had a good sex life and we are still attracted to each other but she claimed I could not satisfy her emotional needs. She threatened divorce and wanted a non-monogamous relationship which I did not want at all. I agreed to try it as a last resort. 

It got to the point where she was out late 4 nights a week while I watched the kids (she is no 20-something BTW and is 52). When I learned that she was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend I was devastated and threatened divorce. She did not want to divorce and agreed to make changes but now she is dating men behind my back because she is worked I will freak out. I don't want a divorce either because our relationship is good minus the infidelity. 

Now I need to learn to live with this new non-monogamous lifestyle or divorce her which would break up my family and hurt my kids. It is not something I ever thought I would do but I am considering it. Some men might like the idea of a permanent hall pass but it is difficult for me to accept the idea of sharing my spouse with other men. 

My point is that there are men out there who are willing to set aside desires to cheat on their wives because they want a normal marriage only to find their wife can't handle it. I am no saint because I watched porn and had fantasies about being with other women but I never acted on it because I wanted to be faithful to my wife. 

I learned that many non-monogamous relationships start when one person cheats and they decide to stay married and keep seeing other people. I am in the middle of this experiment right now and I can't say it will work for me but it might be a way for you to keep your marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WhatNextDad said:


> You make this sound like it is a problem with men but I am a man who wanted to be monogamous with his wife and I can relate to your situation. We had a good sex life and we are still attracted to each other but she claimed I could not satisfy her emotional needs. She threatened divorce and wanted a non-monogamous relationship which I did not want at all. I agreed to try it as a last resort.
> 
> It got to the point where she was out late 4 nights a week while I watched the kids (she is no 20-something BTW and is 52). When I learned that she was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend I was devastated and threatened divorce. She did not want to divorce and agreed to make changes but now she is dating men behind my back because she is worked I will freak out. I don't want a divorce either because our relationship is good minus the infidelity.
> 
> ...


Dude. Right now your just a babysitter while your wife gets nailed.

If you haven't been getting a girlfriend or two, she has effectively turned you into a beta providing cuckold.

I'm not slinging names because those terms have meaning and you are really living them.

How often does she babysit while you're out with your girlfriend?

Your example is definitely a good one for women behaving just as bad as men.

I sincerely hope you find the steel in your spine soon.

Get your T levels up and end this little farce of a middle aged fantasy she has going.

See if her boyfriend wants to stick with a 52 year old single mom.


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## Ricks (Apr 14, 2021)

Not all of us... I'm a one woman man and have been faithful for the whole marriage. Before the marriage I was a **** tho... It's over now and I don't think I'll ever marry again but I will live with another woman.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Dude. Right now your just a babysitter while your wife gets nailed.
> 
> If you haven't been getting a girlfriend or two, she has effectively turned you into a beta providing cuckold.
> 
> ...


Maybe find some self-respect too.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

WhatNextDad said:


> You make this sound like it is a problem with men but I am a man who wanted to be monogamous with his wife and I can relate to your situation. We had a good sex life and we are still attracted to each other but she claimed I could not satisfy her emotional needs. She threatened divorce and wanted a non-monogamous relationship which I did not want at all. I agreed to try it as a last resort.
> 
> It got to the point where she was out late 4 nights a week while I watched the kids (she is no 20-something BTW and is 52). When I learned that she was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend I was devastated and threatened divorce. She did not want to divorce and agreed to make changes but now she is dating men behind my back because she is worked I will freak out. I don't want a divorce either because our relationship is good minus the infidelity.
> 
> ...


I am really sorry, this situation sounds very upsetting. Personally, I don’t think I could be in this type of open relationship. In fact, I am giving my H up and I thought we had a very good relationship and we also have a child. I also believe that this stemmed from a midlife crisis, but even with that people make their own choices and are responsible. I wish you the best of luck and I hope it works out the way that you would like it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

WhatNextDad said:


> Now I need to learn to live with this new non-monogamous lifestyle or divorce her which would break up my family and hurt my kids. It is not something I ever thought I would do but I am *considering* it. Some men might like the idea of a permanent hall pass but it is difficult for me to accept the idea of sharing my spouse with other men.


How do live with this??!! How do you avoid catching every STD known to man?? Considering what? You don't think the kids are hurt by their mom screwing a bunch of strangers? Hasn't the family already been broken up?

My apologies. These kind of arrangements just seem so messed up to me. I know, there will be a bunch of folks show up and tell how it works wonderful. Guess am just too old for the world as it is now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WhatNextDad said:


> You make this sound like it is a problem with men but I am a man who wanted to be monogamous with his wife and I can relate to your situation. We had a good sex life and we are still attracted to each other but she claimed I could not satisfy her emotional needs. She threatened divorce and wanted a non-monogamous relationship which I did not want at all. I agreed to try it as a last resort.
> 
> It got to the point where she was out late 4 nights a week while I watched the kids (she is no 20-something BTW and is 52). When I learned that she was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend I was devastated and threatened divorce. She did not want to divorce and agreed to make changes but now she is dating men behind my back because she is worked I will freak out. I don't want a divorce either because our relationship is good minus the infidelity.
> 
> ...


What sort if marriage is it though. Where one cheats, lies and deceives while the other is unhappy and can't trust their spouse? 
I have no idea how or why you would accept that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Someone dropped a cuckold bomb I see.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

So that is what it was!😐


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## WhatNextDad (May 8, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> What sort if marriage is it though. Where one cheats, lies and deceives while the other is unhappy and can't trust their spouse?
> I have no idea how or why you would accept that.


We agreed to a non-monogamous relationship under the advice of a professional therapist. I had no idea what I was getting into but figured that I always had the option to divorce. 

She said she felt unfulfilled and trapped in the marriage and we argued frequently. After she started dating other men our relationship improved and she said she respected me more because it was hard to find men she liked.

She shared her dating details openly if I asked her and even offered to help me with my own dating profile. She has feminist ideas that non-monogamy is the way of the future and that men object to the idea while they cheat on their wives. She is a university professor and these really are ideas they write papers about.

Unfortunately the relationship she had with her boyfriend was psychologically devastating and I was more focused on my own mental health then finding a date. Maybe I did not communicate enough but I watched as her behavior devolved and she was going out with her girlfriends or her date 4 nights a week. 

She has a strong personality and usually finds a way to justify herself and so I let it get to the point where it was obvious she went to far. I thought it was over and threatened divorce but I could see she worked hard to turn it around. She was home more often and receptive to my needs. Our relationship seemed better than ever except now she was seeing men behind my back and lying about it. 

I won't argue that she has some powerful manipulation skills but I can see she really wants a non-monogamous marriage with me. If I can make it work for me then maybe we can be happy? 

I never imagined that I would be in this situation but I feel I need to find out if I can make it work before I give up. We have 2 happy kids who would have their lives turned upside down if we divorce. 

Right now I am trying to focus on the positives. I think I am an attractive and fit person and I may be able to find someone (perhaps in a similar situation as myself) who I can have a good time with so I can feel comfortable in this alternate lifestyle.

Mayve one day I will be able to restore the lost trust with my wife. I think she will be ready to be honest with me when she does not feel threatened that I will leave her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WhatNextDad said:


> We agreed to a non-monogamous relationship under the advice of a professional therapist. I had no idea what I was getting into but figured that I always had the option to divorce.
> 
> She said she felt unfulfilled and trapped in the marriage and we argued frequently. After she started dating other men our relationship improved and she said she respected me more because it was hard to find men she liked.
> 
> ...


Do you really believe your situation is healthy for your children?

The only thing strong about your lizard, I refuse to honor her with the title of wife, is her smell.

She's really pulled the wool over your head.

She's just an old ho no matter how she wants to dress it up and you know the saying...

There's no ho like an old ho.

I hope your children escape with a healthy outlook but the odds aren't in their favor.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@thissucks7788: So can you now admit that neither gender has a lock on treating others badly? Both genders go through this MLC stuff. But that is just them letting their true inner self loose. Some (hopefully small) percentage of them go totally off of the rails. Your husband went off of the rails in his 50s?, Who knows what his life is like in his 70s, can't imagine it will be good. Does he end up some creepy old man in a raincoat arrested for flashing young girls? Him out of your life is best for your sanity, sorry you invested so much time to arrive at this place. 

This latest example is the female version of your husband. An "educated" radical feminist professional 'mother' who insists on screwing as many men as possible in her 50s and turns her husband into a willing victim. Maybe when she is in HER seventies, she is a pathetic diseased hag spreading her legs for homeless men. It would be best for her 'husband' to abandon ship, but it appears she has already dragged him into the pit as well. And he isn't even resisting.

Bottom line, there are a lot of selfish people, some with bad wiring. Gender has nothing to do with it. Just as many women to warn your sons about as men to warn daughters about. Your husband is one of them and his friends are too. Maybe he developed a mental illness from age ( beginnings of dementia ), but more likely he always had the bad wiring but you just never saw it.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @thissucks7788: So can you now admit that neither gender has a lock on treating others badly? Both genders go through this MLC stuff. But that is just them letting their true inner self loose. Some (hopefully small) percentage of them go totally off of the rails. Your husband went off of the rails in his 50s?, Who knows what his life is like in his 70s, can't imagine it will be good. Does he end up some creepy old man in a raincoat arrested for flashing young girls? Him out of your life is best for your sanity, sorry you invested so much time to arrive at this place.
> 
> This latest example is the female version of your husband. An "educated" radical feminist professional 'mother' who insists on screwing as many men as possible in her 50s and turns her husband into a willing victim. Maybe when she is in HER seventies, she is a pathetic diseased hag spreading her legs for homeless men. It would be best for her 'husband' to abandon ship, but it appears she has already dragged him into the pit as well. And he isn't even resisting.
> 
> Bottom line, there are a lot of selfish people, some with bad wiring. Gender has nothing to do with it. Just as many women to warn your sons about as men to warn daughters about. Your husband is one of them and his friends are too. Maybe he developed a mental illness from age ( beginnings of dementia ), but more likely he always had the bad wiring but you just never saw it.


Ehhhh- I could admit it before too. Was hoping that some of the good guys would chime in and restore my Faith. (and they did )As Texasmom said… I needed someone to talk me down from the ledge. Just shocking to feel like you went from 100 to 0. From what you thought was a great relationship/marriage to some gross underworld of unhinged crap. (i’ll try not to hold back my feelings, lol)


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

WhatNextDad said:


> We agreed to a non-monogamous relationship under the advice of a professional therapist. I had no idea what I was getting into but figured that I always had the option to divorce.
> 
> She said she felt unfulfilled and trapped in the marriage and we argued frequently. After she started dating other men our relationship improved and she said she respected me more because it was hard to find men she liked.
> 
> ...


This is one of the most horrible things I've ever read on here...you are NOT practicing non-monogamy in any kind of appropriate, respectful way. What it sounds like you have is a narcissistic wife who is manipulating you, and you are lying to yourself because you are AFRAID to do anything about it by making YOUR needs a priority.

So SHE is taking care of her needs, and YOU are taking care of her needs. You don't have a marriage. You are being taken advantage of as she gas-lights and devalues you. 

There is NO happy ending here.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> This is one of the most horrible things I've ever read on here...you are NOT practicing non-monogamy in any kind of appropriate, respectful way. What it sounds like you have is a narcissistic wife who is manipulating you, and you are lying to yourself because you are AFRAID to do anything about it by making YOUR needs a priority.
> 
> So SHE is taking care of her needs, and YOU are taking care of her needs. You don't have a marriage. You are being taken advantage of as she gas-lights and devalues you.
> 
> There is NO happy ending here.


Horrendous indeed…


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> This is one of the most horrible things I've ever read on here...you are NOT practicing non-monogamy in any kind of appropriate, respectful way. What it sounds like you have is a narcissistic wife who is manipulating you, and you are lying to yourself because you are AFRAID to do anything about it by making YOUR needs a priority.
> 
> So SHE is taking care of her needs, and YOU are taking care of her needs. You don't have a marriage. You are being taken advantage of as she gas-lights and devalues you.
> 
> There is NO happy ending here.


100%

Was waiting for someone from our resident non-monogamous folks to say something but you nailed it right here


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## HairyMama (9 mo ago)

thissucks7788 said:


> Okay men--- I love you and all but I have to say that I am losing faith in your gender. What gives? As many of you know my story (H turned 50 and emotionally cheated by trying to get with a 20 year old girl- I found the texts, he left yadda yadda). So a "friend" of his who I have known reached out to me. I told him what happened and he asked if I want to talk and grab a bite to eat-- I said yes and that I can use a friend now.
> 
> This "friend" of his is about 15 years older than me and married. That's right married-- he tells me that intimacy is gone with his wife and they have talked of separation/divorce. He than tries to kiss me and is pursuing me hard with texts etc... First of all no matter what story you tell me/yourself-- you.are.married. I would/will never ever be THAT woman. I am totally blowing him off. What is odd and ironic is I am in a similiar place to the "woman/girl" who my H is trying to get with. Honestly, it feels gross and I feel sickened. I must have been being naive but I though I was just grabbing a bite to eat with a friend. I mean I am surprised by my strong reaction. Worse yet- It also makes me completely lose faith in men that they have any honor at all in their marriage agreement. Am I just running into some bad apples here?
> 
> ...


I think people 
s marriages change over time - its hard to follow marriage vows when someone feels neglected or disrespected, ignored or even gas lighted.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion also that an erect penis has no moral compass, that is the reality. Many men think with their little heads and hope never to be caught. There may well be decent men until they aren't. How many stories have we heard of great decent men caught in affairs and one night stands. I am not saying women don't cheat but perhaps they think a little more about the devastating consequences on their family.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

aine said:


> I am not saying women don't cheat but perhaps they think a little more about the devastating consequences on their family.


Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night.


Numb26, not none of this would help me sleep. I remember your story and I know you had the opposite experience.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aine said:


> Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion also that an erect penis has no moral compass, that is the reality. Many men think with their little heads and hope never to be caught. There may well be decent men until they aren't. How many stories have we heard of great decent men caught in affairs and one night stands. I am not saying women don't cheat but perhaps they think a little more about the devastating consequences on their family.


I read somewhere not long ago that the split is 20% men and 13% women. So the gap is not massive.


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