# Where Do I Go From Here?



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

I am so torn, crushed and hurt right now. My son was using his father’s phone who is also my fiancé. He asked for help on his father’s phone because a text popped up and he couldn’t exit out of the app. A text popped up with a woman asking my fiancé the next time they were going to **** again. All I could see was red. I continued reading through their thread and he admitted to having sex with the woman and couldn’t wait for the next time and the things they were going to do to each other. It all explains the issue we have been dealing with. He told me he had to go to urgent care because he think he caught a STD 3 weeks ago. I’ve been tested twice and everything came up negative. He tested positive for Chlamydia while I have tested negative for the past 2 times that I’ve been tested. He’s been on antibiotics for the past 3 weeks. Last night we had sex of course unprotected and he mentioned that whatever is going on we should keep getting tested because the sex is too good to miss out on. I’m trying to figure out my next steps as we share a child together and I have a 9yo from a previous relationship. I’m so lost on what to do now?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Stop having sex with him for starters.


----------



## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

staceymj86 said:


> He tested positive for Chlamydia
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww stop having sex with him . 

He’s a cheater. In your shoes, I would end the relationship and talk to an attorney about child support & custody. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

hairyhead said:


> Stop having sex with him for starters.


I did. I’m going to get tested again tomorrow. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> Eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww stop having sex with him .
> 
> He’s a cheater. In your shoes, I would end the relationship and talk to an attorney about child support & custody.
> 
> ...


I stopped having sex with him and I’m going to get tested again tomorrow. I feel so ****ing stupid for thinking he was different. I gave him 6 years of a relationship and 15 years of friendship. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

How did he explain having chlamydia while you were testing negative? Where did he say it came from?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm so sorry you are here. I don't think he's a keeper. But I wouldn't wait 6 years and a child later to determine that. I don't see keeping him as an option not just because of the infidelity but also his apparent disregard for your health. He appears to value sex over you and your relationship. This won't change and when his mid-life crisis hits it will be hell. He can not be trusted.

Your intro is confusing as to when you found out about the cheating versus the sex. It appears he got an STD 3 weeks ago. If you aren't having sex with others where did you think the STD came from? If you had sex last night when did you find out about the cheating? 

You should have child support which usually isn't enough. Start getting you finances in order. Make a plan to end this. Do this on your time not on his. You don't have to tell him right away what your plan is if you think he'll mess it up. Just tell him you are hurt and you are reevaluating. 

Do you have family or some kind of support system? How is your job? With the pandemic it may take a few months to be able to work out moving. Be patient keep the end goal in mind. Where do you live, his house, your house, an apartment with both your names on it? Just remember where ever you live neither can throw the other out. I mean you can ask a person to leave but there are rights in most states for anyone who is living in a domicile.

What is your general plan?


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm so sorry you are here. I don't think he's a keeper. But I wouldn't wait 6 years and a child later to determine that. I don't see keeping him as an option not just because of the infidelity but also his apparent disregard for your health. He appears to value sex over you and your relationship. This won't change and when his mid-life crisis hits it will be hell. He can not be trusted.
> 
> Your intro is confusing as to when you found out about the cheating versus the sex. It appears he got an STD 3 weeks ago. If you aren't having sex with others where did you think the STD came from? If you had sex last night when did you find out about the cheating?
> 
> ...


We’ve been together almost 6 years and this is the first time we’ve had this situation. We share a 3yo and I have a 9yo from a previous relationship who is very attached to him. She calls him dad and everything. I found out about the STD 3 weeks ago and the cheating last night. I haven’t had sex with anyone other than him in 6.5 years. He had to contract the STD from someone because I tested negative twice, and have a 3rd test set up next week. The only support I have is his family who live close by us. They watch the kids and help with virtual learning while we both work essential jobs. We both work for the post office. I’ve been there for 2 years and him almost 1. We’re not career yet, so our job isn’t safe. We’ve been working 9+ hours since the pandemic started and are now looking at 11+ hours due to the start of the holiday season until Christmas Day. 

We have an apartment that lists both of us as tenants, as well as the kids. We both know we can not kick either one out. I only told him in order for us to move forward, I need for him to tell me the truth, to see if he’s going to admit to what I read in his phone. To be honest, I don’t have a game plan yet, but I do know that I don’t want to be with someone who cheated on me and could’ve gave me an STD. I do know I’m not having sex with him again, and turned our den which look like an extra room into my bedroom for the time being.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> How did he explain having chlamydia while you were testing negative? Where did he say it came from?


He first said he think he have a UTI and need to go get antibiotics. I told him no sex for 2 weeks to make sure it was gone. Then my period came last week, so that added on another week of no sex. He came back the 2nd week and said it wasn’t gone so he had to go back and get a shot and this time a week of antibiotics. In the meantime, I got tested twice since I had sex with him the day before he went to the doctor the first time. He keep saying he didn’t cheat on me and he don’t know how he got Chlamydia. He said he took a urine test, while I had blood work done for every STD which came back negative both times.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

staceymj86 said:


> He first said he think he have a UTI and need to go get antibiotics. I told him no sex for 2 weeks to make sure it was gone. Then my period came last week, so that added on another week of no sex. He came back the 2nd week and said it wasn’t gone so he had to go back and get a shot and this time a week of antibiotics. In the meantime, I got tested twice since I had sex with him the day before he went to the doctor the first time. He keep saying he didn’t cheat on me and he don’t know how he got Chlamydia. He said he took a urine test, while I had blood work done for every STD which came back negative both times.


Well we know how he got Chlamydia. The health department or someone should be contacting him and if he tells them the truth they would contact you. Be glad it is Chlamydia and not AIDS. So he doesn't know that you know. He won't be telling you the truth then either. Please don't move forward with this man. Does the other woman know he's in a long term relationship/engaged? Is she in a relationship? The other man might want to know as well especially about the Chlamydia is he hasn't had his own problems. This is another reason to leave him. You aren't just sleeping with him you are having sex with him, her and everyone she is having sex with.

When you do leave do you think his family will be supportive. Also be careful with that as many you think would be supportive will get nasty and mean when they find out you left their son even if he was sleeping around. He of course will deny it and don't be surprised if he doesn't act like you gave him the Chlamydia no matter how many times you are tested negative. If you get your hands on his phone again send yourself screen shots of the text conversation.

In the meantime start a plan. If you move out can he afford rent? If he can't when is the lease up since you need to be careful about your credit if the rent goes unpaid on a lease your name is on. Are there openings in the same complex in smaller units. Would the leasing agent be amenable to trading your larger apartment for two smaller ones? If you tell him you are done, not engaged, not dating just co-parents who live together, how is he liable to take that?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This is the first time he's gotten caught. He's definitely not trustworthy. You should cut your losses and give him 50% custody so he has to take some responsibility for your child and you can go to work just like he can and have some leisure time because each of you only has the kid three and a half days a week. That way the child gets to see both parents probably more than he did before. 

If you don't get away from him he's just going to keep doing this because now he would know he could. Just telling him you don't like it but staying and putting up with it doesn't change anyone.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well we know how he got Chlamydia. The health department or someone should be contacting him and if he tells them the truth they would contact you. Be glad it is Chlamydia and not AIDS. So he doesn't know that you know. He won't be telling you the truth then either. Please don't move forward with this man. Does the other woman know he's in a long term relationship/engaged? Is she in a relationship? The other man might want to know as well especially about the Chlamydia is he hasn't had his own problems. This is another reason to leave him. You aren't just sleeping with him you are having sex with him, her and everyone she is having sex with.
> 
> When you do leave do you think his family will be supportive. Also be careful with that as many you think would be supportive will get nasty and mean when they find out you left their son even if he was sleeping around. He of course will deny it and don't be surprised if he doesn't act like you gave him the Chlamydia no matter how many times you are tested negative. If you get your hands on his phone again send yourself screen shots of the text conversation.
> 
> In the meantime start a plan. If you move out can he afford rent? If he can't when is the lease up since you need to be careful about your credit if the rent goes unpaid on a lease your name is on. Are there openings in the same complex in smaller units. Would the leasing agent be amenable to trading your larger apartment for two smaller ones? If you tell him you are done, not engaged, not dating just co-parents who live together, how is he liable to take that?


He showed me his test results and I did the same. I confronted him about finding out he cheated by saying the girl sent me a message on FB which she didn’t. I wanted to see if he would tell me the truth. I don’t know if the other woman know he was engaged. When I leave, I don’t know if his family will be supportive. His mom was upset when I called her crying earlier today. She said she support whatever decision I make because he was wrong, but I know that will change once it happens. 

When we move out he can afford rent, I can’t. I have debts that I got sued for that I’m making payments on, so I can’t pay the rent by myself, unless I can get a certain amount with child support. Luckily we are paying month to month and just have to give 30 days notice that we are vacating. There a few 1 bedroom units in my complex, I just have to figure out how to make it work with a son and daughter of 2 different age ranges. I know us co-parenting and not living together or even being engaged is going to destroy him, but he did this to himself. He gave his family up for this.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This is the first time he's gotten caught. He's definitely not trustworthy. You should cut your losses and give him 50% custody so he has to take some responsibility for your child and you can go to work just like he can and have some leisure time because each of you only has the kid three and a half days a week. That way the child gets to see both parents probably more than he did before.
> 
> If you don't get away from him he's just going to keep doing this because now he would know he could. Just telling him you don't like it but staying and putting up with it doesn't change anyone.


I definitely don’t mind a 50% custody agreement. I just hope the judge will side with me more because my daughter won’t understand why her brother can’t live with us 100% and why our family is splitting up. My kids have different fathers and my son’s father’s family is all my daughter know. Her biological father’s side don’t want anything to do with her. They haven’t helped out with her in the 6 years that he father has been absent out of her life.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

staceymj86 said:


> I definitely don’t mind a 50% custody agreement. I just hope the judge will side with me more because my daughter won’t understand why her brother can’t live with us 100% and why our family is splitting up. My kids have different fathers and my son’s father’s family is all my daughter know. Her biological father’s side don’t want anything to do with her. They haven’t helped out with her in the 6 years that he father has been absent out of her life.


I don't know where you are but in the United States 50/50 custody has become the norm. I understand it's not so much in the UK.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know where you are but in the United States 50/50 custody has become the norm. I understand it's not so much in the UK.


I’m in the US. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just be sure you get a family law attorney and don't share his attorney. the sooner you get one the sooner assets will be frozen so somebody can't start hiding them. And there will be basically accounting for what is spent.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just be sure you get a family law attorney and don't share his attorney. the sooner you get one the sooner assets will be frozen so somebody can't start hiding them. And there will be basically accounting for what is spent.


Since they aren't married not sure if there are any rights. Of course anything you purchased together might have something. But since you live in an apartment I'd imagine there isn't too much shared items.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Since they aren't married not sure if there are any rights. Of course anything you purchased together might have something. But since you live in an apartment I'd imagine there isn't too much shared items.


The only thing he bought was our bed, the couch and the TV stand. I’ve purchased everything else. Yes we aren’t married.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just be sure you get a family law attorney and don't share his attorney. the sooner you get one the sooner assets will be frozen so somebody can't start hiding them. And there will be basically accounting for what is spent.


I’m looking for one now.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Since they aren't married not sure if there are any rights. Of course anything you purchased together might have something. But since you live in an apartment I'd imagine there isn't too much shared items.


Oh, I forgot. But they share kids and will need to get a court-ordered joint custody agreement so one isn't always taking advantage of the other. I still recommend a family law attorney -- and some states they may be considered common-law married.


----------



## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, I forgot. But they share kids and will need to get a court-ordered joint custody agreement so one isn't always taking advantage of the other. I still recommend a family law attorney -- and some states they may be considered common-law married.


Yes we share one child together. My 9yo daughter is from a previous relationship. It’s going to hurt her the most as she really loves my son’s father. It’s going to hurt her that she won’t see her brother everyday, and he’s not going to understand why he can’t see us everyday. I wish that this never happened and has caused such a strain on our family. 2021 is going to already be hard year.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know. It is tough. The good news though is that your daughter is at the age little girls start forming real close friendships with their girlfriends and making friends. I mean, it's possible you could work out some visitation if you're both agreeable. It's not unheard of. Visitation, not custody. But agree they stay over your place and his place one day a month or something like that. Or just agree to do play dates where each of you hosts.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

staceymj86 said:


> Yes we share one child together. My 9yo daughter is from a previous relationship. It’s going to hurt her the most as she really loves my son’s father. It’s going to hurt her that she won’t see her brother everyday, and he’s not going to understand why he can’t see us everyday. I wish that this never happened and has caused such a strain on our family. 2021 is going to already be hard year.


What a horrible situation. I just dont get how he could have had sex with you last night with no protection knowing that he has had an STD and still may have, just SO selfish. All he seems to care about is having sex with whoever he can, and cares nothing for what he may pass on. The fact that he didnt use protection with the OW shows what an idiot he is. 
So sad for your children, why do people act this way and ruin other peoples lives?
I hope you manage to sort something out and that your children can continue to see their grandaparents and other family members.


----------

