# I am just SICK



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

*Surviving HIS mother...Now I'm just sick*

I am dealing with a very difficult situation, and I could use some help and advice. I posted this about 8 pm yesterday, and things have changed for the worse overnight. It's 6 am where I am, and I have not been to sleep yet. I will add the new information to the bottom of this post.

My hubby and I have been married a little over a year. We are both in our mid 40s and have children from previous marriages. (My kiddos live with us, his are college-aged.)

My marriage is very good -- we seldom fight or argue, and our sex life is great. My kids love him, and he's even friends with my ex husband! 

Our problem is his mother.

I have never, ever, EVER been treated by anyone the way I have been (and continue to be) treated by his mother. I have NO idea how to handle it and how to support him.

My husband has been divorced for 11 years. It was a BAD divorce---not that any are good, but it was exceptionally brutal. He had a few rough years, did counseling through our church and has moved on past the issues of the divorce. His ex has remarried and it is seldom a topic of conversation in our house and he says it is not a constant presence in his mind.

His mother is a different story. She constantly brings up the divorce and how horrible it was, how badly he was treated, etc. (His dad goes along for the ride.) 

It appears to be an effort to create discord in our relationship and the intent seems to be to 'warn' him that our marriage will end up the same way.

I am not sure what her issue is with me exactly. It seems to be centered around what I do for a living. I own my own business...and have been successful for more than 10 years. I work from home, in my pjs sometimes...and make a good, steady income.

I am blessed that owning my own business allows me to be essentially a full time mom to my two children (ages 10 and 13).

Her issue is twofold...and it flips depending on the day of the week or cycle of the moon....not sure which....either I am 
a) very wealthy and will take ALL of his money
or 
b) very poor and will take ALL of his money.

*(Please note...hubby is 45, college educated with a white collar job. If I closed up shop tomorrow, nobody would starve to death.)

She has been horrid to my children, to the point that we no longer take them to her home, and I have not been to visit since Christmas. (They live about an hour away.)

My DH and I decided that distance might improve things, so he visits her on his own. BUT...when he comes home from a visit, I can tell that he has listened to hours of complaints.

On Tuesday of this week, we learned that she has been actively encouraging an old high school friend from my DH's hometown to persue him. 

I knew that he had reconnected with an old friend (not flame) on Facebook and that they sometimes talked. HE thought he was helping someone he had known since he was 10 through a bad divorce. I was concerned that there was something else going on...from her end. We discussed it last fall, and he respected my wishes with regards to communication with this person. (My intuition was in overdrive, kinda like the robot in "LOST IN SPACE" that waves its arms and says "WARNING! WARNING!")

Anyway, we found out Tuesday that this woman was interviewing for jobs in our town, 200 miles from her home, because HIS mother had told her that HE was interested in her and that if she moved here, he was leaving me for her.

He is destroyed. This man is a Christian in the true sense of the word. We serve in our church, he is my best friend. I do not doubt him in the least, but for the life of me, I cannot understand why his mother would do this.

Needless to say, DH told the friend that he had NO intention of having any sort of relationship with her, and SHE apologized to me...and spilled the beans on his mom.

I do not know how to support him. My mother died 14 years ago, and my father passed 10 years ago. I cannot imagine how he must be feeling, and I don't know what to do.

Any help would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long.



*********And now the update ********

I am trying VERY hard to take the high road here. I talked to him again last night...or tonight..or whatever. It's 5AM on the East coast, and I have yet to go to bed.

Hubby supervises a factory on second shift, so he doesn't get home until about 11 pm. I spent the evening rereading much of the Marriage Builders EN's, and LB's....as I read, I came to the realization that I have done a poor job communicating what my Love Busters are...

When he came home, I asked him if he had any contact with this "friend". He said no.

Later I did something that I have never done before. I deliberately went into his iPhone and viewed his Facebook account. I read messages from various people dating back to 2009. 

The contact with this "friend" last fall started off totally innocent, BUT a couple of times it, in my opinion, crossed the line. He never came out and said that he was interested in a relationship with her, but he never said BLATANTLY that he was not. I also discovered that he had met this woman for lunch in her hometown in September, shortly after they reconnected on Facebook. I knew about the day trip, but I did not know he saw her. He did not tell me about it at the time, and he did not tell me about it when I asked him yesterday if there was something that might have led her to thinking he was interested.

I sat in the bathroom with his phone for about an hour...read every message between them. Including when she asked him point blank if we were still together, (apparently the mother told her that we had separated, although he and MY kids are plastered all over my FB wall, and I am on his.) His response to her was, "Call me later and I will fill you in."

I am insanely furious. To me, this is an affair.

He has said he will not contact her again. That he will go to counseling with me and that he had no contact with her other than lunch. He says that he wants to 'fix' this and that he will do whatever it takes to do so.

I say he lied. I love him very much. But if he lied about this, what else has he lied about?

I have requested the following:

1. That he cut off all contact with this person. (I am going to message her myself in just a minute and ask her to not contact him.)

2. That he agree to go to counseling at our church or with a Christian therapist with regards to this issue.

3. That he scheudle a meeting with my MIL and FIL's pastor and inform him of what my MIL has done.

4. That he apologize and work with me on rebuilding my trust in him.

My MIL blocked me from her Facebook a week or so ago, but she neglected to block my best friend (who I am assuming she friended in order to spy on me.) When I went to her page from my BFF's page, I discovered that she and this woman have been VERY chatty and are planning weekend excursions together.

I am sick to my stomach.

I went back to my husband after I found out about this MIL/OW connection, and told him about it. 30 minutes ago he deleted the Facebook app from his iPhone and changed his password. VERY DISTURBING.

I want to save us, but I don't want to be destroyed in the process.

His mother is a freak and a nutjob. I realize that she has probably always been like that. But I don't know how I could have been so fooled.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

*Re: Surviving HIS mother...He's Hurt. I'm Hurt. HELP!*

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There's no doubt about it; your MIL is a real piece of work. You and your husband probably do need to see a counselor. My opinion is that your husband was indeed bordering on an EA with this woman. All contact with her should stop. And now, that means he will have to live a transparent life to regain your trust--you need access to his e-mail accounts, phone, etc. No more secrets. Furthermore, it is your husband's place to do something about his mother's behavior. Her malicious behavior should not be tolerated. You may also want to delete you FB account and keep your "friend" at a distance.

I wish you well. That's one thing I no longer miss--an aggravating MIL.


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

*Re: Surviving HIS mother...He's Hurt. I'm Hurt. HELP!*

I'm keeping my FB. My best friend that my MIL friended did not know the extent of the MIL issue. She did nothing wrong, simply accepted the FB request. Ironically, she is a divorce attorney.

It was an oversight on the MIL's part to not delete my friend...and I am thankful that she didn't.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

*Re: Surviving HIS mother...He's Hurt. I'm Hurt. HELP!*

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. His parents should be thrilled to have a daughter in law who is smart enough to stay with her children and still run a business. You might also want to post this in the Coping with Infidelity section. There are some tremendously helpful people who only check out that area due to their own situations. Sounds like an EA, and it is unacceptable that they would encourage this.

To the mother: Sounds like your husband does need to get a backbone. Sorry, but its just like one guy to another kind of statement. My mother is a destructive person. I feel bad because of the loss she has suffered, but she will create conflict just for the thrill of it. I saw this at a young age. When I married my wife, I sat my mother down and told her that her involvement in my life was conditional. Tough love. Years later, I began to hear that she was accusing my wife of faults to my siblings. I was relocating at the time, and she usually lived in the same city as me. On this occasion, the lies were very hurtful. I told her that if she moved to this new city, it would be utterly alone.

I left my parent's home to cleave to my wife. That's a big deal. My mother had to learn that she couldn't dictate our vacations, child rearing, or anything. I will say that I work hard to treat her with respect, so don't get me wrong. She just knows that games will be met with swift and decisive consequences. Even if I hear that she told someone something.

BTW - our big issue was that I worked as a second shift factory manager for several years, so our vacation, holidays and together time was very important to my wife. My mother expected to join every single event, and invite endless neices and nephews from sisters who were always broke financially. We simply never had time alone, and our lives were dictated by all of these faces that needed to be fed, clothed and entertained at the expense of my own family time.


----------



## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Sounds like it's time for you and your husband to sit down face to face with his mother and lay it all on the table. And tell her point blank to stay out of yalls marriage, period. And your husband must be on board with this.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

*Re: Surviving HIS mother...He's Hurt. I'm Hurt. HELP!*

His mother and this other woman are a threat to your marriage. I would not be attempting to reconcile in any way with her. Ultimately you have to give him the choice: His marriage to you vs keeping these two threats to your marriage in his life. He can't have both.


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

*Re: Surviving HIS mother...He's Hurt. I'm Hurt. HELP!*

I have NO desire to reconcile with her. I am going to contact our church about "adopting" some grandparents for my children. My little girl is 10 and was sooo excited to have a "Nana and a Poppa"....on Mother's Day weekend, she spent an hour buying Nana a candle and a card...picked it out, spent her own money, etc...

and to think this woman would do something like this...

I fear for myself and my children. I told G last night that we needed to meet with an attny ASAP (my best friend is one), and draw up really watertight agreements in the event he was in an accident or ill.. I said that I thought she would come over and kick me out in a heartbeat.

He did not disagree.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There is no doubt that he is in an EA, that was enabled and facilitated by his mother. Secrecy and lies are vital components in all affairs, be it EA or PA. She may have been pursuing him with your MILs blessings and encouragement, but he didn't do what he should have done in the beginning: Tell her in no uncertain terms that he's happily married and doesn't want contact with her in any way. 

If your MIL was always this way, then _you have a pretty good idea about one of the reasons why his previous married ended so badly_. She may be the type of MIL who's constantly interfering and *no woman is good enough for her boy*. If he is that type, then even if you communicate with her and your husband, it will likely be falling on deaf ears. Then you will have a permanent thorn in your marriage. People like that simply don't change their attitude overnight, if ever. 

The fact that he changed his password to his iPhone is indeed a Red Flag. This may indicate that he might contact her through another app. You already know that he can download any number of private messaging apps that are available for iPhone. The thing is, you will never know unless you are verifying NC. This may mean installing monitoring software on the iPhone such as Mobile Stealth, MobiSpy, etc. 

Let him know directly that he is or has been in an Emotional Affair with this woman. That is cheating. He has coveted another woman. He has lied. He has spat on his marital vows to you to forsake all others. Since its obvious you want to save this young marriage of yours, you need to clearly communicate with him your requirements for reconciliation:

1. No Contact (NC) with OW whatsoever. He needs to send her a NC letter in your presence. If she starts to fish, he needs to report it to you right away. Not telling you that she contacted him is also breaking NC. This is lying by omission. 

2. He needs to be transparent. That means handing over any and all passwords to email accounts, phone accounts, social networking sites, etc, etc. If he doesn't want to, then let him know that he is not truly remorseful for what he did. He has to willingly do this, if he feels forced to, he will just take the affair underground. Let him know that not being transparent is a deal breaker for you and the marriage cannot continue without his complete honesty and transparency. 

3. He needs to seek counseling about why he allowed his boundaries to slip so much that he was willing to secretly communicate with a woman who was not his wife and talk about things with another woman that should have been reserved solely for his wife (you). 

And you will need to verify that there is indeed NC, and that you will continue to verify NC until YOU feel safe or it is no longer necessary and he has rebuilt some trust with you. 

This is a good starters about the Betrayed Spouse's Bill of Rights

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

You need to start with computer monitoring software, possibly a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) which you can buy at WalMart, or Best Buy, and since he has an iPhone which was the instrument of this EA, possibly the phone monitoring software that I mentioned above.

It's not surprising about how many so-called Christian Men and Women commit the sin of adultery. They treat Christianity as a free pass to sin when it's nothing of the kind. It's disgusting.


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

It has been an interesting day. Someone posted that they did not think this OW would go away quite so easily. They were right.

I sent the OW a message on Facebook this morning telling her to back off...listing every means of contact that I could think of and telling her that she was NOT to engage in it...(no email, no text, no IM, no PM, no Facebook, etc.)

I had posession of my husband's iPhone this morning. At 8:30 am, she sent MY message to him, TWICE. (OMG! Obviously the message on Tuesday that said that she did not know we were together was a TOTAL LIE, as was the part where she said she would NOT be in contact with him." HAH!

I called her from HIS phone.

She answered and I said, "Good Morning, D. And how are you this morning? You seem confused as you clearly cannot read."

She started yelling, "Now you need to back off and be nice to me!"

I said, "Excuse me? I requested VERY politely that you NOT contact husband, and within an HOUR of my sending you the message, you sent it on to him."

She said, "I knew this would be you on his phone."

I said, "You got that right"

She kept speaking to me in a very condescending voice (she is an LPN in a nursing home, and I suspect she talks to her patients the same way.)

I finally yelled, "You are a F'ing C" (omg! I never say that EVER. I don't think that has EVER come out of my mouth.) 

"Do NOT EVER contact us again."

She said something to the effect that she didn't believe me---don't know what it was that she didn't believe---my blood pressure by this point was through the roof.

I had gone outside to talk ...sat in the car actually, because today is the first day of summer break and while oldest kid was at a sleepover, my sweet little 10 year old was home.

When this OW started telling me how I needed to speak to her and how I should TREAT her, I said, "You're on speaker phone. I am going into OUR house, to OUR bedroom, and I am going to wake MY husband who is asleep in OUR bed, and you can tell HIM how I need to talk to you."

She yelled louder.

I went in the house, to the bedroom, opened the door, said softly, "Honey, OW is on the phone:, and repeated what OW had said to me.

Meanwhile OW is screaming that she won't play second fiddle to anybody and how he's all mine and how she didn't know.

By now hubby is awake and has turned roughly the color of a pair of pale khaki pants. (He's not normally that color.)

THEN OW says to me, "If you contact me ONE MORE TIME, I will consider it harassment and I will prosecute!"

*My father is an attorney. My best friend is an attorney. I work with attorneys.....so I said, "GOODY! Bring it on!"

Hubby says, "What was that?"

I said "OW has a problem respecting the boundries of other people, so I helped her do that."

He said, "I promised you I would do that."

I said, "That was MINE to do. She's an F'ing C". (Again with a word I would NEVER use!)

I stormed back out of the house and locked myself in his truck. He comes stumbling out of the house and begs me to let him in. Eventually I get out of the truck...

As I am walking back into the house I say, "You engaged in an Emotional Affair with OW. You betrayed my trust. I will NOT tolerate that."

By the time we got in the house, I was deathly sick to my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and RETCHED. It was the scariest, most horrid sound I have ever heard my body make.

Youngest kid comes to me and asks what's wrong...she missed most of the yelling. And I said that someone who was not part of our family had behaved in a way that was not right and that her "bonus dad" and I were taking care of it.

I then left the house to run some errands and did not return home until about 11:30. While I was out, I called my best friend, the attorney, to let her know that I might get a "harassing communications" charge for telling the OW to STFU and go away.

Best friend is now very, very upset. She calls hubby and says, "MJ is very upset and I am concerned about her." Hubby says "I made a mistake in judgement last fall and have upset her. We are going to fix it."

Best friend...who also attends our church says to hubby, "I love you and MJ. You guys are our best friends. I will do whatever I can to support you two fixing your marriage. But as an attorney, I am telling you that you engaged in an EA and you betrayed her. If push comes to shove and she leaves you. SHE is who I will be representing, not you."

Hubby told her that he did not want me to leave and that he would fix it.

***Before hubby and I got married, we talked so much about what we DID NOT want to happen to us. We promised each other that if our marriage EVER reached a point at which we began to look to other people for some sort of validation that should come from our spouse, we would TALK ABOUT IT and FIX IT.

I am trying to figure out, objectively, what has happened here. From what hubby and I talked about last night, MIL has been on campaign of anti MJ rhetoric since last August. She is currently undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. Her masecotmy was in November 2009.

Hubby, my BIL and FIL have been concerned that her increasingly erratic behavior has been the result of the medications, so they have been hesitant to confront her about things...not just issues with me. (I have been present when she has screamed at my FIL because he did not remember the name of a man that owned a grocery store in their hometown in the 1960s.)

Hubby is the oldest of two boys, and has been "assigned" the role of "fixer". If anybody in the family needs something fixed, they call my hubby. My BIL is a police officer and lives 10 minutes from the inlaws, but they will call hubby (who is an hour away) to repair a gutter, hang a curtain rod, etc.

The "excuse" is that BIL has CHILDREN. (BIL is in a bad marriage. His wife has screwed pretty much anything with a badge in a tri-city area, BUT is the mother of two little girls (under 6), and the inlaws have my BIL convinced that if he divorces SIL for cheating, they will lose the grandkids.)

When we first started dating, MIL said to me, "In a perfect world, I would LOVE to have BOTH my boys home with me!"
(In May MIL and FIL moved to the same city my BIL lives in.)

Hubby said that post-divorce, MIL had not liked ANY woman he dated, but he has never known her to do anything remotely like this.

What I am trying to figure out now is what sort of time frame I give him to get us back on track. Do I say, "On Monday I want you to call our church and set up counseling. On Tuesday I want you to _____" ?????

I don't know.

I spoke to my big brother today. He said that he was amazed that I was not calling him to have him and my other brothers come and move us home to Texas.I'm a little surprised at my reaction, too.

But--I love this man, and while I am not stupid, I am not going to let this go without a fight. I am sure that this board gets inundated with posts about how 'blissful' things were before they went south...and sometimes that is wishful thinking.

In our case it was true. We had one fight while we were dating/engaged...and that one was over hubby telling me all the things ex girlfriends had done to deserve to be ex girlfriends...I told him it was like having an employer come by every day and say, "You're doing a great job but I can fire you tomorrow if I want!"

Since our marriage, we have had two fights. One over Christmas about his mother's treatment of me and the kids on Christmas day, and a second one in January when I told him that I was suspicious of the OW's intent and he told me I was being silly.

Until Tuesday I have never gone "spider monkey crazy" on him. (My 13 year old son uses that term and I love it!)

So...where do we go from here?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Now you know for certain that this EA went far deeper than you had imagined, judging by the reaction of this OW. And your WH was definitely in it up to his neck alright. As for the time frame, that is entirely up to you. But many counsellors will tell you that MC is useless while the affair is still ongoing. So first, you will have to make sure that there is NC, and that means verifying using the methods I told you in my previous post.

I would print out that bill of rights too. Once you have verified there is NC, then I would have him in MC. Just be very aware, that one or the other might attempt to "fish". This is when one or the other will try to contact the other person to rekindle the affair. It may be something as simples as "How are you?". Either way, one of them will attempt to fish. And reading about OWs behavior, she will probably be the one to attempt to fish. Two of the common tools used in cheating is the secret email address and the secret cell phone. She may try to fish using a prepaid phone, OR he might be the one to do it. 

As for the harassment charge, I wouldn't worry about it. For one thing, you called her from HIS phone, so any phone records will simply show another call from his phone. People file police reports on other people ALL the time, it doesn't mean anything without evidence, and she has none. Just don't do it again. No city/county/district attorney would even file a case based on what you've said (1 single call from HIS phone-smart move), much less even make it to court.


----------



## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

MIL = Monster in law?


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

It is sad to see this situation evolve as it has. The other poster has given great advice, in my opinion, on the EA, but since your MIL facilitated her part in it, hopefully you can be firm in setting the right boundaries. Just because they look to your husband as the 'fixer' doesn't mean he can't live by boundaries for your sake. I am my mother's executor, and I facilitated her medical convalescence, thanks to a close friend who is an attorney. Your husband can be a support while being firm with her for you. Demand it as part of the reconciliation, although I'm sure its lower on the priority list.

And what an awesome way to handle the other woman!! I think they'll have more serious fish to fry than her potential case.


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

I did not know that my body could survive on such little sleep. I've slept about 6 hours over the course of the past 48 hours.

Someone asked how did all this information come to light---ironically, my 10 year old daughter brought it all to a head. We moved last fall and she and her brother left a lot of friends behind, so I allowed them to have Facebook pages---limited ones, which Mom also has access to. Their adult friends are all to be family members. Mom checks for inappropriate messages. Son is not allowed to chat. No photos posted, etc. I've tried to do all I can to keep them safe while protecting them from anything bad.

I few weeks ago, I posted a picture on my FB page of WH and DD snuggled up on the sofa. I tagged both my hubby and daughter in the photo.

When my DD saw the picture on hubby's wall, she commented on it. "I love it when you snuggle on the sofa with me and watch cartoons. I miss you being home from work in time to tuck me in at night! Mommy, brother and I LOOOOVE YOU!"

OW replied to her comment last Monday (Memorial day). 

OW's reply was "Hmmmmm....interesting :-O "

My DD is very straight forward. She responded by saying "What?" and then PM'd the OW and said, "I do not mean to be rude, but I do not know who you are. Why do you think it is "interesting" that my bonus daddy would snuggle me on the sofa or I would love him? He and my Mommy have been married for over a year. We are a family. I do not know who you are. I am telling my Mommy."

The OW immediately removed her post and replaced it with "cute gal". DD posted publically on the wall, "WHO ARE YOU? WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR POST? WHY IS IT INTERESTING? I AM TELLING MY MOMMY!"

And she did

WH was at MILs house (without us) when this happened. I called him and said "You need to come home NOW."

He did.

I wasn't mad, at that point. I just said that I felt her responding to the post of a 10 year old child was inappropriate.

He said he had no idea. We went on his FB together and he removed the postings. OW messaged him via FB and sent him my DD's post. DH responded by telling her that she did not need to communicate with his 10 yr old daughter.

I decided to blow the whole thing wide open and sent her a message Tuesday morning apologizing to her for my DD's posting and telling her that H told me that she KNEW who we were.

This led to revelation that MIL had encouraged her...etc.

Last night I checked my FB and had three messages from her, which I shared with WH. He asked me to ignore her.

I want your opinion. I think I need to respond. She is putting all the blame on him and denying any wrongdoing, which is typical and designed to pit WH and I MORE against each other.

Here are her messages...

From yesterday morning, before the call.

Go back and read my May 31st note to you. I have said all I intend to say. Your correspondence with me needs to stop. This is no longer an issue with me. I am moving forward and suggest you do the same.PS. I suggest you stay out of my professional status. I havent been a PN for a while...BSN. ....fyi..

****She has a state LPN lisc that expires the end of the month...it's public record. She can have a BSN and NOT be an RN****


And then this one last night...

I've been thinking about your note and your call all day. I have felt horrible about the whole ordeal. Just wanted to let you know that I did not realize there was a relationship. Had I known, the first correspondence would've been the last. I hate this for you. I hope you can work things out if that's what you truly want to do. I can't believe all the falsehood I was told. That's what worries me for you, although it is none of my business. I just don't want there to be any hard feelings between us......we both didn't ask for any of this. Rest assured my correspondence has ended with G. For no reason will I communicate again, there's no trust left there. Thanks for listening. I do hope you build the life you want!

*******

I am impressed. She is trying to drive a huge wedge between me and my husband. She deflecting so hard, I'm surprised that sunlight doesn't bounce off her body. What a load of crap! For some reason, this woman thinks I'm like her and the MIL...undereducated, unsophisticated, and a total baby.

She is wrong.

Here is my message to her:

If you did not know he was in a relatonship, more than one person lied to you. I know you are friends with MIL, and I have been to her house many times. I was there for every holiday. SO----if G lied to you, then so did MIL. (You might want to rethink that friendship, too.) I was at BIL's wet sanding G's truck over spring break. I'm not some big secret. Since you've been left out of the loop in so many ways, I should probably share a few more things with you. I am self-employed as a legal strategist and juIry consultant in addition to owning my own business. I'm good at gathering information. Threatening me with harassment doesn't work, because I am not harassing you. With regards to my staying out of your professional status.. Your state Board of Professional Nursing Standards is a public website. You are an LPN. You got your license in 2008 and it expires June 30th of 2011. Having a BSN does not make you an RN. You have to pass your boards. If you passed your boards, you need to contact the state and let them know, because when anyone looks at you, you're not an RN. This will make it hard for you to find a job. I know this because before I knew what exactly had been going on, I felt sorry for you and called a friend about getting you a job.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I would say not to engage her anymore and block her from your FB completely. You've said what you wanted to say. There is nothing further to be gained from any more communication with her, and anything further will just be a pissing contest. It won't help your state of mind at all because you will be thinking of her messages and your responses back. Time to back off and keep her out of your lives. Have your kids block her too. Let it go. You ARE the superior woman!


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

Interesting advice, lordmayhem.

MarriageBuilders says that I should cause as much trouble for her as I can. Respond to ANY contact and most certainly confront her if she has any more contact with my husband.

I am not in a pissing contest, but....I want her to know...flat out...that I am watching her...that she will stop...and that I have the skills to make sure that she does.

She can not communicate directly with my kids and we are NOT friends on FB. I don't want to block her, because she's giving me great evidence/ammunition.

It's hard for hubby to deny that she had no interest in him when I have messages saying otherwise...messages that are RECENT.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your husband is the one who needs to send this woman a "no contact" letter. Then ALL communication with this woman should stop.

Nothing like all the FaceBook drama......


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

Tell me about it.

And yes. He will be doing that today.


----------



## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

827Aug said:


> Your husband is the one who needs to send this woman a "no contact" letter. Then ALL communication with this woman should stop.
> 
> Nothing like all the FaceBook drama......


:iagree:


----------



## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

Seriously, FB seems to cause more problems than not. If I didn't have so many family members on my page that I never got to see, I would have deleted my FB a long time ago.

Watching your thread MJ and hoping everything turns out for the best. Your daughter is very smart and you taught her well!


----------



## MarthaJane (Jun 3, 2011)

I've had a busy weekend. 

So far, my H has agreed to everything I have requested. He removed the Facebook app from his phone, gave me his password, and allowed me to change it to one only I know. Any FB message now 'pushes' to MY phone, not his. He sent the no-contact letter. He removed all her contact information from his phone and has allowed me total access to everything. Phone, email, etc. He has showed me (online) the timesheets/paystubs/schedules from his job and even pulled all his credit card bills since last September for me to show that there was only one trip to his hometown. I've seen the bank statements. He's doing everything I've asked for and more.

We have not dealt with the MIL yet, but that's more to do with lack of sleep than reluctance on his part to do the job. 

He keeps saying that he knows he should not have had dinner with her (even cheap pizza) without mentioning it to me. He says that he did not say anything to encourage her behavior (other than one mildy racy exchange) but admits that he DID not discourage the attention she was giving him. He says that he thought that if he ignored her comments and was 'generic' in his replies, that she would go away. 

Obviously that worked really well for him. (Note the scarcasm.)

Both he and OW say the only time they were in the same place at the same time was at a restaurant in Sept 2010. I think I believe that part---although that does not absolve him of the fact that there was an EA. (At least I believe there was.)OW responded to my message, saying that she had no idea that he was married. (Which we all know is NOT true.) She did not deny that she had lied about her RN credentials, etc.

H and I sat down with a calendar and figured out that my relationship with the MIL REALLY started to go downhill after MIL and OW became Facebook Buddies. I saw MIL at Halloween--no issues, at Thanksgiving it was slightly uncomfortable, by Christmas it was HORRIBLE.We are beginning to wonder if OW has made trips to MIL's home. It's also looking like OW's got some psych issues going on...she compared her "relationship" with my H to MY relationship with him, and expects me to side with her against him. (??????)

H asked me why I had gone totally ballistic without waiting for him to explain. I said that 1. this OW had contacted my CHILD, 2. I warned H about her months before, 3. My marriage meant more to me than ANYTHING and I was going to fight to keep it.He said that he felt badly that he had damaged my trust in him. He's a Rescuer, but this time I think he tried to rescue a nutjob.

There's more to share, but my posts tend to be too long and I'm trying to be more brief.


----------

