# To go or stay?



## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Hi everyone.
Just need some comments or advice or my current situation. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and well things are not good. She is 44 and i am 32. We do have a different personalities. She takes things serious and compains about things alot. Myself, i do not voice my opinion as open as she does but i do not let little things bother ne and i go with the flow.
Well, we have had our up and downs. I know i have messed up in my marriage and i have tried to make things better but always seems to not be enough. We have not had sex in 4 year because i have a ED problem that i ignored because i was in denial but i am having treatment for it now. To top all of our problems off, she hates my family. She thinks they dont like her ( which i do not think that is the case) she says they are selfish and do not give her the place of my wife. She hates that my mom calls me almost everyday to check up on things ( i am realizing it is a bit annoying) and well judt it doesnt help our situation. We have already had several fights and she has expressed that she does not see me in her future or trust me in any way but yet we are together? Just last sunday, she told me to **** off and my family, that i should stay with my family and start talking about a divorce. I feel like now my hopes to stay with her or work things out are less and less and the desire is slowly going away. I am confused and i do not know what to do. I know she doesnt want kids especially at her age but i know deep inside i do. Any comments? I know this is a little all over the place but there is so much going on


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Can i ask what drew you to each other in the first place? how long you dated before getting married....i am surprised that none of this came up before marriage. Also can you tell me about her relationship with her family?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Colombianog30 said:


> she says they are selfish and do not give her the place of my wife.
> She hates that my mom calls me almost everyday to check up on things ( i am realizing it is a bit annoying)


There's an old adage, that "No house is big enough for two women"....

Your wife is right. Your mother is being selfish, and is not allowing her to be your wife. Handle this, if you want your marriage to survive. It may already be past the point of no return.

Nearly every day is far too much, if there is no reason than to "check up on things". Once every couple of months is a more reasonable rate, of course, you want her call if there is something you need to be told, like sickness, etc.

Your wife is too old for childbearing. There's appreciably increased risk to her own health now. The likelihood of a healthy baby is also decreased.

You have decisions to make. I can't make them for you, your marriage has probably been in the tank for all 6 years of it.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Can i ask what drew you to each other in the first place? how long you dated before getting married....i am surprised that none of this came up before marriage. Also can you tell me about her relationship with her family?


Well we really only dated about 7 months before we decided to get married. I think the similiarities of our cultures ( she is domican and i am colombian) but i was attracted because she was mature and maybe i attracted her becsuse i was young too. Well her side of the family is great and it is very different from mine. They do not communicate often but i know they care for each other. My wife has a 23 year old daughter that has a kid ( our grandson) but they do not have the greatest relationship either. We have not seen our grandson for about 3 months and i know we have been busy but also i know my wife does not like to deal with kids.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

If you want kids, it isn't gonna happen with her. I mean its sounds like about everything is missing in this marriage that would make 2 people want to be married. I usually don't think people should just throw in the towel unless there is infidelity, but you have a pretty easy out here, no kids, under a decade of marriage... It doesn't sound like a pleasant situation with all the arguing. 

I'd seriously consider her offer on divorce. Then you can have the kids and family and loving spouse if you choose correctly this time. Limit mommy time too...you are a grown man.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If kids are important to you, you need to leave....end of story. Clearly she is not interested, and has no desire, besides her days of motherhood are behind her..like i said if that is important to you, you have your answer.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Colombianog30 said:


> Well her side of the family is great and it is very different from mine. They do not communicate often
> We have not seen our grandson for about 3 months


BINGO ! This is a major reason why your wife objects to your closeness with your mother. She thinks it "abnormal".



Colombianog30 said:


> i know my wife does not like to deal with kids.


If you stay, you are going to be childless. I have no advice, I'm not one who advises a divorce, but I'm somewhat in agreement with previous posters, I don't think much of a basis for a marriage exists here.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

So why did you decide to marry her? Was she your only dating option? Usually guys don't go for women that much older if they want to have a biological family. If you want to have biological children then it won't be with her and you already have your answer. But, again, I do want to know if you had reasonable dating prospects your own age why would you marry a woman that was that much older? Do you suffer from low self esteem? Do you have mommy issues? Is she taking care of you financially? What are you getting out of this arrangement?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Since you want to start a family and she won't be the one to do it, I'd say to just go ahead and split up. There's no way to fix that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing.....

You have had ED for years, have not had sex in four years?

You are now trying to fix this formerly minor, now a 'major' problem, after all this time?

I feel 'more' sorry for her, than you.

Most women would have said goodbye, dumped you or cheated on you by now.

You are a young man at 32, she is in her prime sexual years.

Unbelievable! :frown2:


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm guessing his ED might be directly related to his desire for his partner. Unless he has some medical disorder that he hasn't shared.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> I'm guessing his ED might be directly related to his desire for his partner. Unless he has some medical disorder that he hasn't shared.


I'm worried that the lack of sharing may be because he doesn't know.

If there is only a psychological root, it can be due to "mommy issues", too....

https://www.glamour.com/story/yikes-erectile-dysfunction-mig

I'm not a psychologist, nor a medical doctor. But, I know something about psychological ED, and physical ED. I have ED problems due to atherosclerosis now, but I'm 66 years old, have had a triple bypass, and about 5 minor heart attacks.

Early in life, at about your current age, I had psychological ED - my wife had already cheated, and I went to a doctor. He spoke english as a second language, being Korean originally.... he said "I think you don't like the woman"..... dear God, that was a total understatement. He got me "going" again, with testosterone injections and niacin.... my sexual abilities returned, but the marriage was dead.

I hope you're seeing a doc about this. ED can be an early warning sign of future heart disease and peripheral artery disease. Mine didn't show up for about 25 years following the ED episodes, but when it did, it showed up in spades....



Colombianog30 said:


> maybe i attracted her becsuse i was young


This, combined with other things you say here, is a "red flag"... I think maybe your wife didn't have too many options. I had a GF in my teens who was pretty overweight.... I didn't care about it, she was 5 years older than me, but I recognize now, in long retrospect, that she chose me because she could "control" me..... her dating options were very limited because of her weight....

That was a doomed relationship from the start. It never progressed to marriage. Thankfully.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Here's the thing.....
> 
> You have had ED for years, have not had sex in four years?
> 
> ...


Well i she has told me before she has talked to other some guys which i do not know if they live close by or what. I found a "business meeting" on her calendar ehich she never brought up.i J do not blame her if she is doing that but obviously it is a problem.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> So why did you decide to marry her? Was she your only dating option? Usually guys don't go for women that much older if they want to have a biological family. If you want to have biological children then it won't be with her and you already have your answer. But, again, I do want to know if you had reasonable dating prospects your own age why would you marry a woman that was that much older? Do you suffer from low self esteem? Do you have mommy issues? Is she taking care of you financially? What are you getting out of this arrangement?


So when we met we really liked what we shared in common (music, food, subjects) snd i was not in a good spot financially when we met and i was helping out my mother so i was living with her. I was not thinking about a family to be honest until just recently ( seeing my nephew and nieces grow up). We got married to help me stayed in this country but was never forced onto her to do it but we had a good relationship and we did it. I honestly do not know anymore what i get out of this marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Seems like you went from one mother to another. You were like some kind of man-boy that needed another mother to take care of you.


There is such a maturity and power discrepancy in your marriage that the reason you can't get it up is because it would be like having sex with your mother...…. eeeewwwwww :-O


Your wife is so frustrated with your lack of maturity and dependence that she is always getting on you and chewing you out that not only has she lost all respect and desire for you, but she is also emasculating you and making you feel like a naughty little boy. 


This is a very dysfunctional and unhealthy arrangement. I don't see how it can be fixed unless both of you somehow turn into different people. 


My recommendation is seek a fair and amicable divorce. Live on your own for a couple years to develop some independence and basica life skills, then find a woman several years younger than you that will match your maturity level and then you can have a family.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I agree 100% with @oldshirt. This marriage was doomed from the start. Anytime you marry for money and residency with a big age gap and power inequality you are going to run into major problems. The only question is when it's going to happen and how long you two are willing to stick it out.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*January 2018:
Hi ladies... i have been married to my wife for 5 years. Everything was good at the beginning and i always had in the bavk of my mind that i was not really good on bed. We are about 13 years apart ( she is 44 i am 31)Anyway, we have not had sex for 3 years, my fault because:
1) i got caught in lies about chatting with girls.
2) i took some steroids when i was working out and that messed up my hormones and i lost my sex drive ( would not stay erect)
3) i have gone to doctors but feel ashamed and just embarrased of my problem and just put thinga under the rug.

Well last conversarion we had, i messed up and ahe basically told me she can not truat me anyomore and she does not care about our relationship and she would start talking to other man as i was talking to other girla before. Part of me feels like it is inmaturity from my part. But anyway, lately i had the feeling that she had been talking to other man. Yesterday i confronted her ( bc yes i do get jealous) and she told me she needs people to vent of ( i honestly do not know if she has met with someone while i am work, but i found an calendar with her and a guy that i have no idea for a lunch meeting which she nevrr told me about) i am guessing they having phone sex or something like that. She even mentioned the guys she talk to are married and going through the same issue. But i need a perspective/advice from a woman. I do love her and i care about her and yes i meesed up but i have no idea how to deal with this situation. She told me she can not see a futurw with me at this moment and i am more of a roomate or bestfriend than a husband. I want to go to therapy to work on myself and see what i can do to fix our relationship but she says it is a little too late and she doesnt know what to do as well. Any advice?????? Thank you and pls give me your honest opinion. 
*
You have sought help on several different threads:

There are issues of: you lying about other girls, incompatible families, ED along with taking steroids and your lack of confidence in sexual performance, and you married her to stay in her country. Also you are thinking now that you want children.

What are the pluses to this marriage?

I think you need to work on you. Unfortunately, not sure there is much marriage left to save.


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