# What is a 'safe word' really for?



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

In most threads that deal with the topic of rough sex, it is recommended that couples have a 'safe word' to stop or calm down activity. I get this.

Does this mean that for most people, 'rough sex' the same as acting out rape? Am I wrong or is a 'safe word' only necessary if you want to say 'NO' and plead etc but you don't really mean 'no'. So that you can tell the difference between real 'no' and pretend 'no'. I thought that I had 'rough sex' with my wife (hard f'ing, etc). However, we don't have a safe word. If she told me 'NO' you're hurting me, etc, I would stop. She does not pretend she's getting raped when we get a bit rough. Isn't pretend rape the only reason you would need a 'safe word'?

Just curious because many people seem to recommend a 'safe word' and I didn't know that simulated rape was that common.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We don't simulate rape 

We're into bondage and sometimes it gets too much and it's difficult to tell between good yells and bad ones. So we have a safe word and once that word is spoken, everything stops....and we pick up after we've solved the issue


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

that_girl said:


> We don't simulate rape
> 
> We're into bondage and sometimes it gets too much and it's difficult to tell between good yells and bad ones. So we have a safe word and once that word is spoken, everything stops....and we pick up after we've solved the issue


That's cool but I still don't really understand. Do you say 'NO', 'STOP', etc, when you don't really mean it? If you don't do this, then why is there a need for a safe word?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's usually used in an SM relationship when there is infliction of pain, not necessarily just a 'rape' scenario. Where the dominant partner gets turned on by inflicting pain it's easy to get carried away to the point where the pleading of the submissive becomes part of the sexual act and it's important to ensure that there is a clear boundary - it requires total trust between the two partners

'no' doesn't necessarily mean 'stop' - the safe word always means 'stop'


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

couple said:


> That's cool but I still don't really understand. Do you say 'NO', 'STOP', etc, when you don't really mean it? If you don't do this, then why is there a need for a safe word?


I have the same questions. My best guess is that the "safe word" concept has been enshrined as BDSM dogma... you're just not doing it right if you don't have a safe word. I always joke that our safe word is:

*no.*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

couple said:


> That's cool but I still don't really understand. Do you say 'NO', 'STOP', etc, when you don't really mean it? If you don't do this, then why is there a need for a safe word?


Cause sometimes the pain is good  I say no while doing things, but I don't mean it. he's my husband, our sex is good and there is a ton of trust.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Cause sometimes the pain is good  I say no while doing things, but I don't mean it. he's my husband, our sex is good and there is a ton of trust.


you sound like you have a fantastic relationship, I'm really jealous ha ha


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

My DW loves rough... not rape, but a sense of "no control". Most times she is in such pleasure she can barely speak... huffin an puffin to say the least. she wanted to say "Don't Stop", but could only say "Don't". So I stopped... she went all "Exorcist" on me. Now we use the word. 

NEVER stop till the word is spoken!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My GF and I set up a safe word early in our relationship. We're not into bondage or BDSM, but sometimes I like to push her boundaries a little. The time she most often uses it is when I'm seeing how many continuous orgasms she can take when I'm giving her oral sex. She might try wriggling away, I'm holding her where I want her... But if she calls "snowball", I'll stop immediately.

She also uses it when I'm tickling her... 

I don't think it's a bad thing at all, even though we're not using it for its "true purpose". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you're roll playing, she doesn't really want you to stop when she says "please don't spank me daddy, I'll be good". And that's not rape, or simulated rape. Are you really that naive that you can't think of a non-rape scenario where a safe word might be wise?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> That way there is no question what "no, no, no, please don't stuff your big cucumber roll up there" really means.


I just wasted an entire mouthful of wine reading that


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

A "safe word" is an absolute, non-negotiable STOP RIGHT NOW. In some sex play, saying "no! no! stop! please stop!" is just part of the PLAY of the game. It doesn't *really* mean stop. But the safe word...now that means STOP RIGHT NOW. Absolutely.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

couple said:


> In most threads that deal with the topic of rough sex, it is recommended that couples have a 'safe word' to stop or calm down activity. I get this.
> 
> Does this mean that for most people, 'rough sex' the same as acting out rape? Am I wrong or is a 'safe word' only necessary if you want to say 'NO' and plead etc but you don't really mean 'no'. So that you can tell the difference between real 'no' and pretend 'no'. I thought that I had 'rough sex' with my wife (hard f'ing, etc). However, we don't have a safe word. If she told me 'NO' you're hurting me, etc, I would stop. She does not pretend she's getting raped when we get a bit rough. Isn't pretend rape the only reason you would need a 'safe word'?
> 
> Just curious because many people seem to recommend a 'safe word' and I didn't know that simulated rape was that common.


Well damn, what is the "start" word... I just need to know that word!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some times theres 2 safe words, one for lighten up/slow down or pause, a second one for stop, get off me and untie my damb hands.

With safe words, I wonder who really is the dominate one, the tied up or the one doing the tying?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

A GF and I had one years ago...'Potato'!! 

As numerous posters have said; 'ah ah ah ah yes yes yes don't....stop'...is she (or he!) saying "don't" or "stop" OR "don't stop'?

'ah ah ah yes yes yes ummm ummm.....potato' means stop what you are doing right now. 

I never said it!!! She did afew times though!!

Ah.....those were the days...!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

the guy said:


> Some times theres 2 safe words, one for lighten up/slow down or pause, a second one for stop, get off me and untie my damb hands.
> 
> With safe words, I wonder who really is the dominate one, the tied up or the one doing the tying?


I do think the safe word is as much for the one doing the tying as the one being tied up. It gives you comfort that there is a clear and unmistakable word for your significant other to use when things go to far. You don't have to guess or ask questions or wonder.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

the guy said:


> Some times theres 2 safe words, one for lighten up/slow down or pause, a second one for stop, get off me and untie my damb hands.
> 
> With safe words, I wonder who really is the dominate one, the tied up or the one doing the tying?


Safe words have a practical use. 

As to your question, the more submissive one, "the bottom" is in control in a sense because the dominant can only go so far as the sub is willing to go.


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