# Should I stay or should I go



## SeekingMeaning (Jul 11, 2015)

I am in my mid-40s and have been married to my current wife (5 years younger) for 9 years; we have been together for about 10 years. We have a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. We married after a year and a half of dating while I finished more than a decade of training and she worked on developing a painting style. Currently, I am satisfied and successful in my career, helping others and working normal hours.

I could write pages and pages but I am going to try to distill it down to some essential details. My question at the end, of course, is "do I stay or do I go?":

- I have been the sole earner since we married; this does not matter to me very little: my life partner can make money or not, I just want them to be healthy and have meaning in their lives. However, there has been more arguing over what we do with our free time than I would have expected (always initiated by her): I once argued over doing half of the household work and capitulated years ago (this comes up when I bring my work home on rare occasion). I now do all of the cooking, half of the cleaning, half of the childcare/putting to sleep, etc. My wife has been working on a creative career since i met her 8-5 every day, trying to get to the point where her career can take off. There has always been a tension that I don't understand: frequent arguments: "I have been unloading the dishwasher more than you", or "if you are going to get home at 5:30 today then I will stay at my studio a half hour later tomorrow". We have a 7:30-5pm nanny who also does dishes and laundry. We have a personal assistant that does the shopping and household tasks. However, when I have an office meeting one night until 6, she wants the next night to herself to paint until 7:30. She keeps track, and she is resentful if the balance swings her way. I value my time with my kids and wife - so I have had no hobbies -- no time for it for 9 years! I play with kids, share the care until 8pm. We spend an hour together every night watching a show and eating together, our bonding time.

- My wife has consistently expressed her resentment of my career/work. She does not like me to talk about work, or the stress of my work when I get home. I used to think this was reasonable. She also is resentful when I am called in "after hours" for my work (very necessary given my work, and it happens about once every 2 weeks). I tell her it is for "us", she says I have been working on my career and that is "for me".

- Throughout the relationship she has had several episodes a year where she gets very drunk and becomes very angry, or self-destructive. Sometimes, even without substances, she has become terribly depressed and been somewhat emotionally abusive. My friends and family have observed this behaviour, and express views that on average sound like "I would never be with someone who treated me that way". I have had to have her admitted to the hospital... I have had to track her down, at an airport, she was going to catch a flight away from me and her daughter because she could not stand her life...

- I love her. She is my best friend. She did not know she wanted kids until she met me. I knew she was edgy when I met her, I knew that she was not a natural mother. I remember, in a bar once, with friends, before we even had kids, she was already talking about how to limit her time with them with nannies and boarding school. I still chose to have kids with her: She is funny, gregarious, people love her. She is smart, creative. I thought children would benefit from such a creative person in their lives.

- When she first had our daughter, she was detached. She seemed resentful of her. Had little patience with her. Often felt that she was being manipulative (a 1 or 2-year old!). She resented having to spend time with her (this is now much better). She loathes trips with the kids because she can't stand traveling with them (even though we travel together). When my family sees her interact with my daughter, they note something wrong with the way that she interacts with her.

- She is not warm. She doesn't hold me. She doesn't like to kiss. From the beginning, she was repulsed when anything I would do that would leave saliva on her skin... She showers immediately after sex. She told me 6 months ago that she has never had an orgasm. Sex lasts for 5 minutes and we have it about once a month. I cannot touch her nipples. She doesn't like me to touch her hair. She doesn't notice if I smell different (new cologne!), she hasn't noticed the new mole on my cheek in 2 years. She has told me "I wish sex did not exist", "women only pretend men are attractive to them". "No woman wants to see a naked man". We have been working on the orgasm problem (she obviously deserves this!!) with a vibrator but I feel no change in the quality of intimacy between her and I (not sex, but connection). How do I explain?? We are in each other's heads all day long with our converstaion and humor, but when we try to kiss she laughs like a 6 year old and pushes away. I have investigated with her and our lesbian friends and she seems very unlikely to be gay.

- I am not unattractive. I am very fit, exercise daily, generally am considered. She tells me she is attracted to me. She says the right thing when I walk by in my underwear. Yet doesn't "want", by her actions. 

- When I have talked to some friends, and my mother and sister, and my practice partner about the fact that I am thinking of separating from my wife, they all say they are not surprised; they are surprised I chose to be with her in the first place, that we are a strange match, and she has always been a problem, ungrateful and sometimes rude to me.

- My wife says that she can't live without me. That I am her fairy tale. That she know no love story better than ours. I love her, she is my best friend. I have listed the worst things about her: there are many great qualities that have been developing as the last couple of years go by. She is becoming a pretty amazing mother. 

- For the first time in my life I am having an affair. I know this is wrong. I know many of you will now move on to another thread, understandably so. But wait a minute, especially if you have a romantic bone in your body, and can swallow the bile that accompanies a tale of betrayal for a moment: I met someone 16 months ago, and she kissed me on my eyelids while they were closed, and she said that someone needed to love me, that I was a wonderful father and husband, and an amazing person. I had not heard this before, and I had been craving for 9, no - 20 years to hear this. I have been crying inside, ever since, I feel broken, like a shell around me cracked open. I slept with her: we had sex 6-10 times a night for a week. I sometimes cried while I came. I felt one with her. For the first time in 10 years someone let me hold an umbrella over her when it rained. We walked all over the city, hours every day and we held hands. I knew she loved me the way that people are supposed to love. We spent a week together. I met her again 3 months later for a week, and again 4 more times although she lives 4,000 miles away. I am in love with her. She told me she loved me the very night that we met. I felt the same spark: I have dated a LOT and I have never felt this kind of connection, kindredness. I haven't seen her in 4 months but she is waiting for me, and she is willing to help me to take care of my children. She tells me she doesn't want to be the reason that I part from my wife. But she also can't wait forever - she is almost exactly my age, needs real love, not an affair.

- Sex has always been very important to me. My first wife and I had sex several times a day (since we were teenagers). I was very religious when I was younger and found myself going to sexaholics anonymous (my wife urged me) because I craved it so much and we both felt it was wrong. The first few years we were married, we had a great realtionship, physical as well as the rest (my wife reported this too). Then, there was an inherited mental health issue that led to a downward spiral, frequent hospitalization and eventual homelessness/absence. I was a mess at this time, and still craved sex but felt it was a character defect. When I met my current wife when I was meditating and had stopped masturbating, had tried to rise (I see now, maybe wrongly so) to a higher level of understanding that a man and woman can be a relationship of mind and spirit only. I was very attracted to her.... and so, the rare and abbreviated intimacy that we had was adequate.... She adored me... my chronic low self-esteem was assuaged (not a good reason to be in relationship, of course!! but only one of many reasons we "clicked").

But the question remains. I can stay in this marriage. At it's conception there were many flaws, but my wife and I chose to go down this path regardless. From the outside things look great. But, from the experience of people on this board, does this relationship looked doomed?

Have I ruined everything by having the affair - is it I that now longer deserves the family I love?

Is there such a thing as a wrong match - enough that one should recognize that trying to make this work is only going to ultimately result in failure?

Is there an option that can make us all happy? Is it possible - does an outsider, looking at this, see that I should set my wife free too, to let her find a right match? Is it possible I can be with someone else instead?

I love my children, and will always be here for them. I would co-parent. I would give my wife half of everything I every have. We would buy houses near each other. We could make this work. But I fear how this will impact their lives: a life of going from one house to the next, over and over! Instead of staying under one roof with mom and dad!!

I want to be happy - I have half of my life left. I thought I could be platonically happy - but I am human. It isn't just sex: it is that quality of love, where your partner rubs the dander off of your shoulder lovingly, nonjudgementally, rather than just not noticing it at all.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Dude that was long and I hear what you are saying but no dice on affair. End it and then work on or end your marriage. You will get blasted on here for having an exit affair and u sound suicidal. End it now! It won't last even if you got divorced


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## SeekingMeaning (Jul 11, 2015)

I hear you. I just shortened what I wrote a little.

Very stressed but not suicidal (my father did this when I was a child
, would never do this to my kids)

In 11 years I have never strayed, never wanted to!... until this one person, in every respect my perfect match. It can't be that every situation can be painted by the same brush.

Ok then - affair aside. Is the lack of intimacy/warmth/lovingness/appreciation that I describe a reason to leave? Have I made my bed, must I sleep in it?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Nah you can walk w those issues you listed and sounds like she isn't a good wife anyway. End the affair and tell your wife you had it, ended it, and are wanting to separate/divorce. Check w ur attorney first of course. I'm in a somewhat sim sitch but no affair, that would just cause more probs.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

How did you come across this "perfect match"?


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## SeekingMeaning (Jul 11, 2015)

My business partner and I were in another country (keeping things anonymous) at a conference and she was helping me shop for my children. We got into a very long conversation, lasted all day, took her to dinner... etc.

Strangely I have never, in my life, ever met someone this way. Never picked someone up in a bar, nothing. I keep people at arm's reach. Prior dating I have done had been through school, friends or work. She immediately felt like someone I knew. I am completely not religious, nor superstitious. But this is as close to something spiritual as I have experienced since I was a kid in church.

I am trying not to focus on that: of course this forum frowns on other persons because they muddle the decision making process.

I just hate the idea of having found "the one".... and setting her free. I am known by everyone I know as being self-sacrificing to a fault. I will remain in a sexless marriage and gnash my teeth for life, just to avoid hurting those I love. I have a hard time wanting to treat myself to anything. A loving life partner: nothing is more important than that to me. Finding one, keeping one, divorcing one, letting one go.... no decision can be as important.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SeekingMeaning said:


> My business partner and I were in another country (keeping things anonymous) at a conference and she was helping me shop for my children. We got into a very long conversation, lasted all day, took her to dinner... etc.
> 
> Strangely I have never, in my life, ever met someone this way. Never picked someone up in a bar, nothing. I keep people at arm's reach. Prior dating I have done had been through school, friends or work. She immediately felt like someone I knew. I am completely not religious, nor superstitious. But this is as close to something spiritual as I have experienced since I was a kid in church.
> 
> ...



Not being funny are you sure this person isn't setting you up? This sounds awfully suspicious. What is your age difference?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

You deserve to be with someone who loves you, but not in this way. Not by having an affair and betraying your wife and children when their backs are turned.

Decide who you want: your wife or the other woman? Then either divorce your wife and be with the other woman, or let the other woman go and work on your marriage. Infidelity is going to (and already has, by the sound of it) eat away at your self-respect and eventually destroy BOTH relationships, not to mention your family. It is the ultimate form of dishonesty and betrayal...you know this.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You deserve to be with someone who loves you, but not in this way. Not by having an affair and betraying your wife and children when their backs are turned.
> 
> Decide who you want: your wife or the other woman? Then either divorce your wife and be with the other woman, or let the other woman go and work on your marriage. Infidelity is going to (and already has, by the sound of it) eat away at your self-respect and eventually destroy BOTH relationships, not to mention your family. It is the ultimate form of dishonesty and betrayal...you know this.



This OW may not trust him once they are married since he cheated w her. Also, she may cheat on him and then I think its doomsday. Too many really bad things can happen.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> This OW may not trust him once they are married since he cheated w her. Also, she may cheat on him and then I think its doomsday. Too many really bad things can happen.


Of course.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You should have left your wife before cheating on her. You had good reason to leave her.

Sounds to me like you should divorce your wife.

Now about this 'perfect match' that you have found. 

How much do you know about this person? 
What is her history? 
How many times married? 
Children? Family?

Pretty much anyone can be a 'perfect match' if you only see them a week every few months. Take this relationship slow. Seems like you are very deep already. Sounds too good to be tru.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think this guy might have gotten scared and went dark. I think he might be doomsday once he realizes this chick was a farce.


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Have you and your wife been in counseling? 
Seems like a major disconnect! I think you owe it to your children (and yourself! )


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## SeekingMeaning (Jul 11, 2015)

Dude007 - SadsamIam, Orange_Pekoe: yes, you make very good points. I am very weak right now. Hearing this point of view (re: my OW) rocks my world a little.

I am an optimist, and a very logical thinker - these things sometimes conflict, but I really try to monitor myself for magical thinking. It is true: while I am mustering the strength to step out of an ugly situation that I have spent years trying to make beautiful, and perceive as beautiful, I could be stepping blindly into another trap. I need to be vigilant.

And there is the Karma thing, or rather, the fact that we are more likely to accept, encounter or repeat behavior we have accepted, encountered, or performed before: infidelity. It is painful image: the seal broken on this social taboo, for me and my new love.

Dude007 (and others): The OW is the same age as me, married before and divorced for the same reason: he would not have sex with her (a cultural thing, he was Japanese, wanted to have a woman outside the marriage, was addicted to porn). She has been looking for someone to spend her life with, but she can't meet people in Tokyo (she is not Japanese. She says there is some xenophobia and sexism she encounters there when trying to meet someone).

I will be careful. Thank you all for your input, very much.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Oh man, Japanese, now I understand. Forget everything I said and go for it!!!!! I bet she is HOT!!


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