# Can't communicate/I don't think he's listening



## gto1968 (Jul 5, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for almost three years. It hasn't been easy and I can't believe I'm on an online message board (I'm usually more old fashioned than this) but I feel like I've exhausted all other avenues. I just need someone to listen to me. 

I think my husband is a very selfish person. I'm not sure if that's just my opinion or not (he certainly disagrees). We have a lot of problems in our marriage but the one I'm having the hardest problem dealing with right now is his inability to take my feelings into consideration or even communicate his own. 

For example, I don't like his friends. I feel like they have inappropriate conversations and don't respect boundaries that my husband and I have. They are "thrill seekers" and like to go sky diving and base jumping and things that make me very anxious when I think of my husband doing them. But, I understand that his choice in friends is his own and so I try and be as supportive as possible and if I find myself around them and feeling uncomfortable, I will simply excuse myself. My husband doesn't think this is acceptable behavior because then I'm being rude to his friends and he feels like he has to come "deal with my emotions" instead of spend time with them and that is "exhausting" for him. 

Today, my husband suggested that we have some "quality time" (of the bedroom variety) later this evening and I was very excited about that. After planning an outfit and getting ready to freshen up, he said "Oh, nevermind, I forgot I already have plans with my friends. Sorry, babe." And then he had the nerve to suggest a "quickie" before he met up with his friends and didn't even really seem to realize that I said no because I was upset. Just shrugged his shoulders and moved on. 

Then I found out that his extreme lifestyle type friends had apparently befriended someone who works in the "adult entertainment" industry. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with you hanging out with porn stars" and he said "well, I'm comfortable with it." And that was that. And that happens all the time. If I try to express my reservations about something, he says "well *I'm* fine with it" like what he thinks is the only thing that matters. I'm at the end of my rope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gto1968 said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost three years. It hasn't been easy and I can't believe I'm on an online message board (I'm usually more old fashioned than this) but I feel like I've exhausted all other avenues. I just need someone to listen to me.


How long have you been married?

How old are the two of you?


gto1968 said:


> I think my husband is a very selfish person. I'm not sure if that's just my opinion or not (he certainly disagrees). We have a lot of problems in our marriage but the one I'm having the hardest problem dealing with right now is his inability to take my feelings into consideration or even communicate his own.


How many hours a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy? (quality time)


gto1968 said:


> For example, I don't like his friends. I feel like they have inappropriate conversations and don't respect boundaries that my husband and I have.


What are the inappropriate things that they talk about?

What boundaries do they not respect?


gto1968 said:


> They are "thrill seekers" and like to go sky diving and base jumping and things that make me very anxious when I think of my husband doing them. But, I understand that his choice in friends is his own and so I try and be as supportive as possible and if I find myself around them and feeling uncomfortable, I will simply excuse myself. My husband doesn't think this is acceptable behavior because then I'm being rude to his friends and he feels like he has to come "deal with my emotions" instead of spend time with them and that is "exhausting" for him.


How many hours a week does he spend with these friends? 

Are these friends all male? Or are there also females in the group who are into “thrill seeking”?


gto1968 said:


> Today, my husband suggested that we have some "quality time" (of the bedroom variety) later this evening and I was very excited about that. After planning an outfit and getting ready to freshen up, he said "Oh, nevermind, I forgot I already have plans with my friends. Sorry, babe." And then he had the nerve to suggest a "quickie" before he met up with his friends and didn't even really seem to realize that I said no because I was upset. Just shrugged his shoulders and moved on.


Yea, I can understand why you would not want to have sex with him under these circumstances.

How many nights a week is he out with his friends?

Do you go out with your friends? Do you have friends?

What did you do when he went out?



gto1968 said:


> Then I found out that his extreme lifestyle type friends had apparently befriended someone who works in the "adult entertainment" industry. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with you hanging out with porn stars" and he said "well, I'm comfortable with it." And that was that. And that happens all the time. If I try to express my reservations about something, he says "well *I'm* fine with it" like what he thinks is the only thing that matters. I'm at the end of my rope.


You cannot control his behavior and choices in life.

But you can control yours. I can understand you being uncomfortable with him hanging out with sex workers. So what are you willing to do about it?

It sounds to me like you are not good at setting boundaries. 

Here is a bad boundary: “Husband, I am not ok with you hanging out with sex workers.” This is a bad boundary because it’s set up to control him.

Here is a good boundary: “I will not be in a marriage with a man who hangs out with sex workers.” This is a good boundary because it only controls your boundaries.


Your husband ignores what you say because there are no consequences. He knows that you are not going to leave him no matter what he does, no matter how badly he treats you. Are you willing to set some strong boundaries and stand by them?


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## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

gto1968 said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost three years. It hasn't been easy and I can't believe I'm on an online message board (I'm usually more old fashioned than this) but I feel like I've exhausted all other avenues. I just need someone to listen to me.
> 
> I think my husband is a very selfish person. I'm not sure if that's just my opinion or not (he certainly disagrees). We have a lot of problems in our marriage but the one I'm having the hardest problem dealing with right now is his inability to take my feelings into consideration or even communicate his own.
> 
> ...


Yes, he sounds like a narcissist...very difficult people to deal with. Self-absorbed people do not make good husbands or wives. He doesn't seem to show any concern for you or your feelings.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

gto1968 said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost three years. It hasn't been easy and I can't believe I'm on an online message board (I'm usually more old fashioned than this) but I feel like I've exhausted all other avenues. I just need someone to listen to me.
> 
> I think my husband is a very selfish person. I'm not sure if that's just my opinion or not (he certainly disagrees). We have a lot of problems in our marriage but the one I'm having the hardest problem dealing with right now is his inability to take my feelings into consideration or even communicate his own.
> 
> ...



I'll give you my point of view but I'm not sure how helpful it would be. You came to the guys forum, so you'll get a guy's opinion here..


Personally, I get the talking about feelings and what not. I understand the need to communicate but guys just don't like to to talk about it all the time. Maybe once in a while, but if you are an emotional person, that can get very old very quick for a guy. You don't like his guy friends, right? I get the sense that you are getting up and leaving quite a bit when they are around, which is perfectly fine to me. Thing is, the minute he sees you leave, he automatically assumes that he's going to have to have an emotional talk...and no guy wants that. If I'm around my friends, it's the last thing I want as well.

If I were you, keep getting up and leaving when you aren't comfortable. It may bother you having to get up and leave, but know this...his buddies aren't going to change because you are around. Just accept the fact that's how they are..life is easier that way. Instead, tell him not to worry, that everything is good (don't use "fine"). If you feel like going home, just go. Why don't you start hanging out with your friends instead? Split the time between hanging out with his friends/your friends. He obviously isn't minding too much because he may not have walked a mile in your shoes. Does he know what it's like to be around your friends and feel out of place? Uncomfortable? Maybe flip the script on him, see what happens? No one can understand how you feel until they have felt the same way...

As for the porn star? Eesh, that's a tough one. Not sure my wife would like that either, but then again, I don't think I would be looking to hang around one. I would re-assure my wife not to worry, but if she ASKED me to limit my time around her, I would be more receptive rather than her TELLING me what to do. Men don't respond well to that. And I sure as hell don't.


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