# Getting your “fantasies” out before family



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Everyone has “fantasies”.
I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.

How does everyone think about this?

I look at it as a trust issue and possible deal breaker.

Comments?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> Everyone has “fantasies”.
> I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.
> 
> How does everyone think about this?
> ...


I don't see anything wrong with doing that. I've read some of your history and it sounds like you've been married/divorced, had kids, and are currently not dating anyone. 


Why wouldn't you go out and fulfill some fantasies? Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Go out there and get your groove on.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I would advise any of your fantasies, if with other people, to be safe and use prophylactics. Health is very important especially if you plan to have a family down the line. You want to be healthy to work, spend, and take care of them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you saying you want to have sex with someone now in ways that you will not want to have sex with a long term partner that you want to have babies with later?

Or do you mean you want to have sex now in ways you can’t have with just one partner?

Also, what did you mean by it being a trust issue?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

a_new_me said:


> Everyone has “fantasies”.
> I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.
> 
> How does everyone think about this?
> ...


I have no idea what on earth you mean or how it might help. 

In my case, i have tried to fulfill my wife's fantasies throughout our marriage. And if i can't, but she can, she has my permission to go for it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> Everyone has “fantasies”.
> I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.
> 
> How does everyone think about this?
> ...


I'm with a couple of the others in not understanding what you are concerned about here? Are you worried about the lack of time or opportunity that kids would bring? Is there some idea that the man or woman (not knowing your specifics) you finally settle down with won't be of the fantasy type? What's the concern?

I haven't stopped trying to get my fantasies done. And I've been married to the one wife for 20 years, with our other spouses having been with us for about 5.

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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> Everyone has “fantasies”.
> I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.
> 
> How does everyone think about this?
> ...




Go on...? 
Why, would a family ruin all your fantasies or something? Unless your fantasy is not having a family I don’t really understand....


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, it was more of a general question.

I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?

I am a lot “wilder” than my current partner, and I have already experienced a lot in life. There are a lot of things I still want to do.

I am just curious how others have handled these situations. Like get it all out now before taking those next steps, and was it successful for you to do so....or just let things evolve and see what happens?

Consequences?

I am pushing boundaries at the moment and his “bucket list” keeps on getting bigger as I do so, which is a huge turn on. 



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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Be very careful living for your genitals.

I knew a guy who sounded just like you. He had all these kinks and thrills he wanted to try, and he did get to explore a lot. The problem was, after having been out sampling everything he could for a good period of time, the time came when he could simply no longer appreciate or be aroused by 'regular' sex with one woman. He'd gotten to the point where he had to be with at least two women to even get turned on.

I'm just saying, be very careful because you just might _get_ what you wish for.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

If these are really, really strong fantasies, that you feel you really need to experience, then yes, it's best to get them out of the way.

There is no guarantee a future partner would join you in them.

If they are less embedded in your being, then they might be ok to leave as fantasies. Sometimes reality can ruin those fantasies.

But are we talking fantasies, or is this part of your sexual identity?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> There are a lot of things I still want to do.


I would be very aware of your "mode of sexuality" as psychology suggests three possibilities:

1) Sensation based - somewhat meditational based lovemaking

2) Partner based - knowing a specific partner and letting your partner know you 

3) Role play - expanded experiences by allowing yourself and your partner to pretend

Generally speaking these modes are not very well inter-compatible. A role play person would offend a partner based person by asking them to pretend. A sensation based person may offend a role play partner by preferring things be kept quiet and the lights turned low. 

All three modes can be equally as kinky. Generally speaking if you find a partner that is in your same mode, you should have enough to work with to enjoy doing the things you want to do within the context of a long term relationship. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Use common sense.

Go for it. 

These are fantasies, some you'll be able to accomplish itrw, some you may not if depends on other participants but hey, you might. 

Stay grounded keeping future you in mind, and intelligently done no harm no foul.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> I have no idea what on earth you mean or how it might help.
> 
> In my case, i have tried to fulfill my wife's fantasies throughout our marriage. *And if i can't, but she can, she has my permission to go for it*.


Unusual thought process.

Does that mean if she had a fantasy to pull a train with four dudes, you'd be okay?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> Well, it was more of a general question.
> 
> I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?
> 
> ...




Depends what kind of things we are talking about...Don’t see why having a family should stop you from doing kinky things. Unless every Wednesday night you have 60 middle aged couples over for a big party?. That might probably interfere with the kids’ homework.

Do you both have other things on a bucket list? Places to travel to? Goals in life? People normally weigh out those things against other things, and make decisions accordingly....

Are you chasing a certain feeling/high? Does that only happen during an elaborate fantasy thing? Does sex not feel good when you are just...having sex? Just curious. Not judging! A bit of kink can always make things better but I think it can take things only that far and only if sex feels good between both of you already...It shouldn’t be a replacement for intimacy, more like an addition (I’m not saying yours is, just more of a general statement...).


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> I am a lot “wilder” than my current partner, and I have already experienced a lot in life. There are a lot of things I still want to do.


I don't get the sense that experiencing these fantasies will give you the satisfaction to put it behind you. It sounds more like this is part of who you are and the experiences you want to have as a normal part of your life. So I would think someone like you should find a partner who shares your sense of exploration and will go on this journey with you. I think you might not be happy with a vanilla person no matter how many of these fantasies you put behind you. Rather than have a bunch of wild experiences and then settle with someone who wants missionary 2x/week, find someone who has similar fantasies and wants that kind of life.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If there are fantasies that you really want but can't enjoy with your current partner, then why are you thinking of settling down with the current partner? Do you really want to be missing these things for the rest of your life?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

a_new_me said:


> Well, it was more of a general question.
> 
> I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?
> 
> ...


I was not wild when younger, and then got married. Not only did that preclude most fantasies, it also largely eliminated sex! However, I got to explore my fantasies after divorce, and since my wife is also adventurous, we've explored many together. It depends on your partner, really, as to what you can do while in a relationship.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Why would you go the family route with someone you know you are not sexually compatible with. I mean I know I had a family with a woman I'm not compatible with now, but at the time she at least convinced me that she was compatible. Believe "no". It's not going to change, and neither are you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

snerg said:


> pull a train with four dudes,


I'm not sure I've heard that particular phrase/slang before. What is it? Feel free to PM if it would be too graphic for the thread.

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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> I'm not sure I've heard that particular phrase/slang before. What is it? Feel free to PM if it would be too graphic for the thread.
> 
> Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


Pulling a train is when a woman has sex with multiple partners one right after another - not at the same time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont know why you think that going out and doing these things now will stop you wanting to in the future. 
Please don't marry someone who you will later go and cheat on because she just wants normal partner sex with you and for you that isn't enough.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

a_new_me said:


> Well, it was more of a general question.
> 
> I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?
> 
> ...


Not quite sure what fantasies would be precluded by a relationship. 

Intimacy is built by share intimate details of yourself with your spouse. 
Shared experiences can increase intimacy and strengthen a bond.

Since you say his bucket list is getting bigger as you push boundaries, it seems your spouse/roomy is fairly open, so I would ask why consider why the concern.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

snerg said:


> Unusual thought process.
> 
> Does that mean if she had a fantasy to pull a train with four dudes, you'd be okay?


Yes, so long as she is safe about it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I would say do it before. It has been my experience that most SO's tend to either do the "bait and switch" or will use the excuse "I can't do that now that I am married". It would be better to do things now that you want to experience rather then to wish you had later. I would rather regret the things I have done, then regret the things I never did.



a_new_me said:


> Everyone has “fantasies”.
> I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.
> 
> How does everyone think about this?
> ...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> I'm not sure I've heard that particular phrase/slang before. What is it? Feel free to PM if it would be too graphic for the thread.
> 
> Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk



It’s a bit like this, but not with ninja turtles  










It’s my fantasy too


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

We are talking fantasies, so if turtles are you thing, then it certainly could include turtles. 





InMyPrime said:


> It’s a bit like this, but not with ninja turtles
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, I am very “open minded”.
My partner is divorced and his previous wife was very “vanilla”. He was with her for a long time and there were “bedroom” issues because she was not open to most things- very lights off and missionary, then she cut him off to a couple of times a year after they had their child. They were not sexually compatible at all.

Since him and I have been together, I have noticed a change in him. He is becoming more relaxed, open, kinkier...almost like I am like his guide to a different world.

I like how I can be myself around him and him around me. 
I just do not like how the more I give, the more he seems to want.
I propositioned him last week actually, and his response after some thought was an okay, if we do this, then I want us to do this.

After a lot of thought on the subject since my original post, I am starting to actually question our relationship.
We have been on and off for a year, solid for the last 9 months and things are going well. Our communication is excellent and our attraction and interaction is envious.

I am just really starting to question his response to my proposition and wondering if I should actually break things off with him so that I can give him the freedom that he needs so that he can do some self exploration without me around.

I am starting to think that he needs it so he can get it out of his system after being in such a vanilla relationship for so long.

He is very open with me. He sends me links to porn he watches, we make movies, send naughty pics, messages, the whole 9 yards and I am starting to second guess if I can emotionally handle some of the things that he wants. 


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I guess for me my sexual fantasies have evolved over time so I would rather have an open minded partner willing to be open to new things than try and get things done before we were wed. Something about that just feels very disingenuous


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

It was me. He was too “compliant”, so I dropped the ball and said I wanted a MMF. He agreed and asked for a FFM immediately.

He knows I have trust issues and have done it before when I was younger, but was more than willing to hook me up with his buddy.

I drilled him tonight about it and he could not give me a straight answer and then finally said I wanted to make you happy.
Yes. Passing me around between your friends is going to make me happy. Not even close.

I asked him if he wants an open or closed relationship. I did not get a straight answer.

I think he is only goi g to say what he thinks I want to hear.
Not ideal at all. 


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> It was me. He was too “compliant”, so I dropped the ball and said I wanted a MMF. He agreed and asked for a FFM immediately.
> 
> He knows I have trust issues and have done it before when I was younger, but was more than willing to hook me up with his buddy.
> 
> ...


Then why did you bring up the MMF at all?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For me, yes I will view a person differently depending on their desires. It may be good or bad, just depends on what those desires are.

However, in my actual experience, no lover has ever expressed a desire that made me want to run. Just that in some cases I was not willing to go there with them, but even in those cases, it did not turn out to be something they couldn’t live without so I did not run.

In those cases, the partner was able to just apply fantasy to what we had together (ie: they didn’t have to actually live it out, they could role play or just do naughty talk with me and still achieved the fantasy level of their desire).

I have encountered some lovers who were a bit too worried about what I may want based on things I had previously done. Even if I did not want to do them again, they couldn’t get comfortable with me because they always worried I would want something they couldn’t provide. In those cases it was easier to break up than to navigate through the current situation.

I had one guy who had a fetish that I had originally said I could probably accommodate, but later I felt I probably could not be ok with. In that case we broke up for other reasons but in the end it was a blessing because I knew eventually he would have wanted me to fulfill this fetish and I did not feel it would have turned me on or kept me sexually engaged, so I didn’t want to disappoint him. I’m glad he will hopefully now be able to find a woman who would be totally into it with him and be happy.

ETA: oops I just realized that this post was supposed to be on another thread. Sorry if that was confusing.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> Yes, so long as she is safe about it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> ETA: oops I just realized that this post was supposed to be on another thread. Sorry if that was confusing.


That multitasking'll get ya.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> It was me. He was too “compliant”, so I dropped the ball and said I wanted a MMF. He agreed and asked for a FFM immediately.
> 
> He knows I have trust issues and have done it before when I was younger, but was more than willing to hook me up with his buddy.
> 
> ...


I am actually kind of confused after this and the previous posts.

Whose fantasies do you feel need to bee worked out prior to marriage? His or yours? My impression from the OP was yours.

Asking for an FFM on the heels of you asking for an MMF is actually not concerning at all. I'd be more worried if he asked for the later without agreeing to the former at all. Are you having some sort of issue with reciprocating? Does the idea of being with another woman, even if you two aren't directly interaction with each other, bother you a lot, as in repulsed you.

A lot of what I am reading seems to indicate that he has had all these fantasies himself, and the more you reveal to him of you, the safer he feels he is coming out to you with his own desires.

If you two are going to have a BDSM relationship (does have to include the Ds part. BDSM has become an umbrella term for most kinks), maybe you should do a play checklist. You each can note your desires and rate them and then compare notes. I can send you a copy, sharing it via Drive, if you want.

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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

snerg said:


>


I have been open about being polyamorous for quite a while now...

I have posted recently how my wife is having surgery today and my girlfriend almost bled to death recently. 

We have both had other partners.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> I have been open about being polyamorous for quite a while now...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well met, my friend. Good to know I'm not the only one here.

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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We've been open/poly since we met 20 years ago, and have also explored swinging on and off for the past 12. We've had many marvelous experiences (and a few isolated train wrecks) that have only enhanced our relationship and given us opportunities for personal and relationship growth over the years. We would not change anything. We do fully understand that this is not suitable for most people, but for some, it's the ideal scenario for a relationship.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

This is getting quiet complex.



a_new_me said:


> Everyone has “fantasies”.
> I want to get mine out of my system before I engage in a full relationship before I go down the “family” route.
> .......





a_new_me said:


> .....I suppose what I was trying to say is.....was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?
> 
> I am a lot “wilder” than my current partner, and I have already experienced a lot in life. There are a lot of things I still want to do.
> 
> ......I am pushing boundaries at the moment and his “bucket list” keeps on getting bigger as I do so, which is a huge turn on....





a_new_me said:


> Well, I am very “open minded”.
> My partner is divorced and his previous wife was very “vanilla”. He was with her for a long time and there were “bedroom” issues because she was not open to most things- very lights off and missionary, then she cut him off to a couple of times a year after they had their child. They were not sexually compatible at all.
> 
> *Since him and I have been together, I have noticed a change in him. He is becoming more relaxed, open, kinkier...almost like I am like his guide to a different world.*
> ...





a_new_me said:


> It was me. He was too “compliant”, so I dropped the ball and *said I wanted a MMF. He agreed and asked for a FFM immediately.*
> 
> He knows *I have trust issues and have done it before when I was younger, but was more than willing to hook me up with his buddy.*
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. 

Not sure you are ready to marry this guy from what you have posted.

One of the most honest things I have read about a long term committed relationship is, "If you can't tell your wife about your darkest and most intimate thoughts and fantasies who can you tell? The answer that reality often provides is "A prostitute." 

Seriously, it takes a lot of trust for someone to tell their spouse about their deepest darkest thoughts. If on the other hand that spouse listens with respect and does not judge you or use that information against you, it can be quite liberating and emotionally bonding. If your guy tells you his fantasies, listen, if you are unsure, tell him you will think about it and research it and think about your own personal boundaries and limits and what within those limits you can do to give him either what he wants or the illusion of what he wants. There is a lot of illusion that can be done with role playing.

You say you want a 3-way MMF and yet you don't want him to pass you around to his buddies? So was that a "sh#t test" to see what he would say or was that a true desire on your part. If it is a "true desire on your expanding bucket list" then figure out how to do that in a role playing way. If that goes well for the two of you then maybe after a lot of practice and discussion you can move on to a third person. However, I don't like the idea of involving others with actual sex too many STD's and emotional complications out there.

Have you talked to him about your trust issues? .....Or do you have "control" issues, where you want to fly your kink flag and he has to obey and follow your lead? Seriously think about that.

Now as to kinky before commitment? My view is that sharing deep dark fantasies takes incredible trust and bravery. That seems kind of hard to do without an investment of a lot of time together. 

My advice to you is that before you and this guy get more serious on marriage, spend some time with a marriage counselor and sex therapist to explore your common desires, your shared view of what marriage means, the role sex plays in marriage, and how you could even have some wild kinky sex after marriage/family.

Good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> Well, it was more of a general question.
> 
> I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?
> 
> ...


Honestly no, I think you should marry someone who you are sexually compatible with. Your fantasies don't just go away because you are married and if you are more experimental that is not going to change.

Reading on here just reinforces how important it is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> This is getting quiet complex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yep sounds like a **** test. She need a stronger guy if she is going to do a MMF **** test, though getting ****-tested like that would send must guys running.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, nothing that happened even mattered.
He told me that he ended up agreeing so that he could “make me happy”.
That screamed at me. Red flags.

I ended up weighing everything out, not just that, but a lot of other things as well.

Last night I told him exactly how I was feeling, and he ended up calling his mother, asking her to make a decision that I told him to make. He had to choose to either move in with me and give us a fair shake at things, or not. He is currently living with his ex-wife and her bf, who is the man that she cheated on him for a year with and left him for.
I told him, her or me. He called his mom. I pulled the plug.

I know that I was unfair about some things, however he was told about my trust issues and such, and I did put him through some tests to see where his loyalty was. He failed. When I needed him, he was not there. He was too busy appeasing his ex wife and leaving me crumbs. No thanks. 


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

a_new_me said:


> Well, nothing that happened even mattered.
> He told me that he ended up agreeing so that he could “make me happy”.
> That screamed at me. Red flags.
> 
> ...



When you found this out is when you should have pulled the plug....or not plugged in to begin with.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I am just proud of myself for getting away as cleanly as I did. 
I know that it just would have turned into a circle of resentment because at 36, he still calls his mommy and has her make all of his choices for him and when his ex wife up and left him for someone else, he followed her over several states and is he “little b!tch”.

I need a man, not a pathetic little boy. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> He is currently living with his ex-wife and her bf, who is the man that she cheated on him for a year with and left him for.
> 
> I told him, her or me. He called his mom. I pulled the plug.


He is so pathetic he's living with his ex and the man she had an affair and left him to be with. You asked him to make a choice and he called his _mom_ to tell him what to do. 

Honey, this guy is a jellyfish. He's just being carried along by the current with no spine or will of his own.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> He is so pathetic he's living with his ex and the man she had an affair and left him to be with. You asked him to make a choice and he called his _mom_ to tell him what to do.
> 
> 
> 
> Honey, this guy is a jellyfish. He's just being carried along by the current with no spine or will of his own.




I completely agree.
I do not think that there is anything wrong with talking to your “support system” to ask them for advice when you are faced with an important decision, however allowing your mother, at age 36, to make all of your decisions for you, is pathetic and spineless.

I had my birthday recently and also had to have a major operation.
Because of the possibility of complications and such from the operation, I wanted my birthday to be special and we went away for a very expensive weekend. I paid for everything for the weekend (posh hotel, food, drinks, entertainment), which I was ok with because it was what I wanted.
My birthday gift from him was a cheap pair of earrings and he was not around post-op.

When I finally did hear from him, I was completely messed up from the anesthesia and lack of pain meds (prescription error). I was in some of the worst pain in my life, hardly able to move and then I get to listen to her b!tching at him over nothing and then dragging me into it (he talks to me on the phone too much, so why doesn’t he just leave and move in with me).
I, at that point, had hit my breaking point. He was not here for me when I needed him because he was there, under her thumb, and that set me off. Then he called his mom.

Done. No way to fix it now. All of that killed any ounce of love that I had for the man. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> Well, it was more of a general question.
> 
> I suppose what I was trying to say is that in the experience of others, was it better to go explore these things before the commitment of marriage/family or let these things evolve over time?
> 
> ...


i just highlighted an area of concern. Your current partner. Having a partner, current or otherwise, might limit fantasies for some people.

And does he realise he has only managed to attain "current" partner status and that he could be replaced any time soon with another "current" partner?:scratchhead:


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> i just highlighted an area of concern. Your current partner. Having a partner, current or otherwise, might limit fantasies for some people.
> 
> 
> 
> And does he realise he has only managed to attain "current" partner status and that he could be replaced any time soon with another "current" partner?:scratchhead:




Well, we are no longer together due to other issues in the relationship.

I have trust issues, due to many years of being in abusive relationships.
I finally found my position in that cycle, and then got myself out of it. He was very helpful in assisting me through this process, and I allowed him into my heart because of this.

Our friendship had moments of strain due to his situation with his ex-wife. However I believed in his promises because of his “emotional support” towards me. A relationship evolved and developed. 

When little things started popping up here and there, my new found senses started to twitch and there were a couple of rough patches and “tests”. I have already been down the road and was trying to make sure that I was not going to be going down it again. 

Over the past several days, it has become very clear to me that my “picker” is still broken. I went from extremely abusive (physical, emotional, financial, psychological etc...) relationships to someone who spent his time to listen and support me, only to use me for money, get me into bed and get a nice cushy time until I wiped the haze off of my rose coloured glasses.

This woman is going to choose to stay single for a long time. I have felt enough pain in my life to last 100 lives. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yeah. I see. You'll be ready for a relationship at some point in the future. The distant, far off future.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Very Sorry @a_new_me, but now you can "try out your fantasies" at your desire. Not every guy out there is a scumbag.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah. I see. You'll be ready for a relationship at some point in the future. The distant, far off future.




Yes...very far 


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Very Sorry @a_new_me, but now you can "try out your fantasies" at your desire. Not every guy out there is a scumbag.




No. I agree. They are not all like that.
In the meantime, I will spend my time with those that I love....that love me just as much and truly deserve my everything. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

a_new_me said:


> Well, we are no longer together due to other issues in the relationship.
> 
> I have trust issues, due to many years of being in abusive relationships.
> I finally found my position in that cycle, and then got myself out of it. He was very helpful in assisting me through this process, and I allowed him into my heart because of this.
> ...


So basically this guy used your need for emotional support as a way to manipulate and use you. That's yet another forum of abuse.

As you have found out, abuse can take many forms. It's not unusual for a person who has learned to identify one type of abuse to get suckered into a relationship in which another forum of abuse exists. Life's lessons are often very expensive. you have paid a high tuition.

Hopefully you will be able to identify abusers of all types in the future. I sure hope so.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> I completely agree.
> I do not think that there is anything wrong with talking to your “support system” to ask them for advice when you are faced with an important decision, however allowing your mother, at age 36, to make all of your decisions for you, is pathetic and spineless.


From what I gather you're a kinkster. Me, too. I'm a monogamous kinky person, so it's different, but the principles are the same. Freely given consent is so very important. The problem with a guy like your now ex is that he's, in my view, not really capable of consenting because he's so extremely weak and dependent he just follows wherever he's lead and seems to have little to no idea what he actually wants. I would be uncomfortable sharing kink with someone who doesn't know what they want and, more importantly, what they don't. Even super submissives need to have, and be willing to enforce, boundaries.

To your original question, I think it's better to explore fantasies before entering into a committed relationship. I think it's all part of an individual learning who they are and what they actually enjoy vs what they think they do. How things work in fantasy aren't the same as how they work in reality and it's best to learn the difference when the stakes are low. The time to figure out you can't live with the reality of certain acts isn't after you have intertwined families, a mortgage, a couple kids, and a dog.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Thank you to both of you (Elle and MJ...I am not good at figuring out this multi quoting thing so I can reference you both properly).

I do think that you both have nailed it on the head.

Thank you so much for your understanding and support. It has helped me greatly to deal with my current situation and navigate my way out of it.

Hopefully one day I will be able to meet the right person. I know that my now ex was not him. He has ways to contact me and has not exercised those options, so that is even more proof to me that making the decision to end things was the right choice for me.



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