# My story



## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

So I just found this forum today, and I'm hoping that it will be able to help me out with the situation that I currently find myself in. 

I've been married to my wife for a little over 2 years, we dated and lived together for 4 years prior to that. Last year I ended up taking a job at the same school that my wife works at and restarted my higher education goals. 

This summer I worked two jobs and took 11 credits - absolutely swamped with work. This is when things started to get rough. We have a mutual friend who we work with, well, someone who I used to consider a friend. My wife and this coworker/friend started spending a lot a lot alot of time together, like every day. My wife would comment that she was getting out of my hair so I could do homework and that she would have someone to keep her company. I initally took this as a good thing only to watch it blow into, at the very least, what she has reffered to as an emotional affair. 

This killed me, I found out about two weeks ago, I don't sleep well, I want so badly to save this marriage but I don't know if she is willing herself. I told her that the relationship needed to go back to just friends, just someone we saw at happy hour, she said she'd back off but that she couldn't end their friendship, he is her "best friend". Needless to say my trust in her honesty was wavering. Then last week she went out and met with him behind my back and lied about it. Then last weekend when I was out working, she mentioned that they were getting coffee, I had asked her that if she saw him that to only do it in a public place, well, I drove by his house on my way home and her car was parked there. I am so devestated. I have to start work with the both of them on Friday and I don't know what to do. I confronted him about what was going on and he was very non-chalant with me, he mentioned that there was an attraction and that he was once jealous of me but that was about it. 

I've talked at length with my wife about this and she feels attacked. I'm so devestated, I feel like I've lost all trust for her but I passionatly love her and don't want to lose her. I feel like she is trying to push me away. BTW, he has a wife and child but the relationship is terrible. 

I asked her yesterday to cut off her relationship, her only response was "I don't like ultimatums". We've had several conversations over the past two weeks, she reassures me that I am who she wants, she has apolgized several times yet continues to lie to me. On top of this she has locked her ipod and changed her facebook password, he has essentially defriended me from facebook as well. 

She agreed to go to see a marriage therapist with me, I arranged everything and we're going this Saturday but she seemed VERY reserved when I told her we had an appointment. 

I don't know if this EA has turned into a PA but my gut screams that it has. I'm scared to death, my anxiety is off the charts and I feel so alone. 

Help?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry you are here.

You have made a few mistakes, your are being to nice, your wife and the OM have gone underground , they will be gaslighting you, the OM is covering his tracks, MC is only when the affair stops anything prior to that is a waste of time.

Load a keylogger on the PC she uses.
Is the OM married, track his wife, parents and family down. 
Is he still friends on Facebook with your wife , if so use the keylogger to obtain her password, copy his friends links and names to a secure area. 
Gather hard evidence.
Move all monies to an account only you can access.
Buy a VAR and place it in her car or where you think she will call the OM from.
Read up on what is called the 180 , implement it now.

Do not tolerate her affair, cut off her iPhone account .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

bsnone, I hear you. I know how you feel and I know how you can doubt your own senses. First off, your WW is being a snot. If there were nothing going on she should be turning herserlf inside out to reassure you, to prove that your perceptions were wrong. Guess not. When we get married we are no longer free agents, we take our spouse with us wherever we go. She owes it to to you and to your relationship to stop contact with this person. That being said, you have to be prepared to make her accountable because you really can't trust her. Please do go to your counseling appointment. If your counselor's degree with worht the papaer it's printed on, he/she should ask your wife to agree to NO CONTACT (at least until your issues are cleared somewhat). And you have to know your marriage is sick and that the patient may die. So prepare yourself even as you work very hard to save it.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

There are so many red flags here that it should be painfully obvious that she is cheating on you. Sorry.

She doesn't like ultimatums? Tell her you don't like having an open marriage. And you won't! Also, the password/phone/ipod secrecy isn't acceptable...why are you allowing it? There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is closing the bathroom door to take a sh!t. Secrecy is what affairs need to survive.

She must end all contact with this guy. Or get the hell out. She must be snapped into the reality of what she's doing and what the natural consequences are. She wants him? Fine, let her go. File for divorce (filing isn't the same as being divorced). Fight for your marriage by waking her up. Expose the affair far and wide and all at once. Don't apologize for fighting for your wife.

Demand to see her phone, emails, etc...this is your wife. You are supposed to be her best friend...surely she would willingly share everything with you, right? If not, guess what? She's hiding things.

If you must, snoop for hard evidence (but i think you have enough) using a keylogger, phone spyware, and a VAR in her car. Check her phone/text message count online to this guy. My wife had hundreds of texts to her guy initially.

Your WW sounds similar to my wife. DON'T BEG. DON'T PLEAD or cry in front of her. Man up. Be the strong alpha male you were before. Be the best you you can be, then work a plan. I told my wife to leave for a couple days while I DECIDED if I wanted to reconcile. Then I told her either she comes home committed to the marriage or I'm filing for divorce the following Monday. By committed I mean, write a no contact letter to the guy and put extraordinary precautions in place to protect you. TOTAL transparency of all electronic stuff and passwords. 

She needs to be begging and thanking you for the second chance, not the other way around. Good luck.

Edit: To vote for NO Counseling yet. WAY TOO SOON as she is still in an active affair. Total waste of time and money. Plus, many counselors are very anti-marriage and may do way more harm than good.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bsnone said:


> I told her that the relationship needed to go back to just friends, just someone we saw at happy hour, she said she'd back off but that she couldn't end their friendship, he is her "best friend".
> 
> *I asked her yesterday to cut off her relationship, her only response was "I don't like ultimatums". *


She doesn't like ultimatums? Boo-freakin-hoo.

Tell her what is what: that you won't live in an open marriage.
Please find your dignity and fast.
Your wife is cheating onyou with this married man. Put your foot down. Tell her it ends or you are gone, that you will file separation/divorce and taht will be that. That youw on't be second best, her Plan B, her back-up plan. 
Tell OM's wife. Today. And do so without letting your wife of the OM know. 
They are having an affair right in front of your face which to me is the worst thing ever. Like super low low low. 

She has already told you she won't end it with him. She continues to lie. To see him. 

She does not respect you.

Women do not love men they don't respect.

So respect yourself enough to cut her off. It's either YOU or him. 

This is a non-negotiable.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

While Eli is right you have made mistakes, I say to hell on waiting for the evidence collection. You know what is up. Admit it to yourself. She's lied, spit in your face, and done as she wants despite her 'confession' to you on an EA with this guy. I guarantee you do not know everything or how deep this is rooted. She doesn't like ultimatums? OK, you either accept that or you live in an open marriage. Because that is what you now have. Of course she feels attacked; it's part of the script for WS. She doesn't like that you've exposed her affair and are going to take away her drug. Yes it was a mistake to ASK her to end contact. Assuring you that you are who she wants to be with is cake-eating. Again, aprt of the script. Read here and learn! 

She is in The Fog (read about it here; it is important to understand it). Consider her and addict, and treat her as such. This is at Defcon-1 for you. You don't tell an addict 'just limit yourself to little bits at a time, and never have too much'. You stop them, cold turkey. And they fight it, go through withdrawal -- but can come out the other side clean and sober. NOT if they continue to dabble, however.

You need to man up and take control, because she's in control. You will not beg her to stay; you will tell her you love her and want to work this out. But recognize, she IS having an affair. Get the book "More Than Just Friends" and read it, then give it to her to read. You will see yourselves plain and clear.
She needs to decide if her 'best friend' is more important than you, because you are going to demand that she stop ALL contact with this man, OR you are leaving plain & simple. There are no other choices. A marriage is for two people, not three. 

She either wants to work on this with you, give your marriage a chance to recover and move forward, or she doesn't. If she does, she gives you full access to all her stuff - phone, email, facebook, computer. She needs to come clean, asap, or you will know where you stand.

You know this guy; I assume you therefore know his wife or can contact her. Once you have any bit of real further proof (or her confession), tell her what is going on, without telling your wife what you are doing. Unhappily married or not, she deserves to know if she doesn't already, and it sends everyone a message that you will not tolerate and will take no prisoners, leaving scorched earth if you must. 

I am sorry you are here in this club we hate belonging to, but brace yourself my friend you are in for a tough road ahead of you. Time to grow a set; you're going to need them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsnone said:


> *My wife and this coworker/friend started spending a lot a lot alot of time together, like every day. *
> 
> ....
> 
> ...


I hate to say this but the above bolded part is an absolute no no. This is inviting another man to take your wife from you. Anything that lead to a full blown PA was evident right there. You f'd up royally. Any man who lets this happen is handing his wife over to another male. A wife's best male friend must be her husband. If not he will cause the biggest problem in the marriage imagineable and will liklely be her lover at some point.

This has been physical. There is no doubt that it was physical the day she was at his place and she lied about it.

Now what absolutley amazes me is that you saw her car and you did not stop in. Are you freaking kidding us? You passed on by so they could have their time together alone in his apartment. OMFG. Sorry, I am p!$$ed about this and she is not even my wife. Yoiu should have stopped in and reclaimed your wife. Who knows by some miracle he may not have penetrated her yet.

Dude, you don't just ask her to respect your boundaries. You tell her that her crossing boundaries is unacceptable to you. Asking is not what you do. I get it though you would think that asking would work. I totally get that. But you have to assert that her actions are a deal breaker. She is being disrespectful and unfaithful at the least.

Also you do not work on them, you separate them. They must go total NC. No compromises.
Do not be afraid to give her an ultimatum. At this point she has probably lost all respect for you and has bonded with the other guy. She will likely chose to go with him. That is because you have been too weak about this. I am not trying to be disresepctful to you.

Wy did you work two jobs and take 11 credits? Serious question. I would like to hear why you did this. I have been there myself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

grizabella said:


> bsnone, I hear you. I know how you feel and I know how you can doubt your own senses. First off, your WW is being a snot. If there were nothing going on she should be turning herserlf inside out to reassure you, to prove that your perceptions were wrong. Guess not. When we get married we are no longer free agents, we take our spouse with us wherever we go. She owes it to to you and to your relationship to stop contact with this person. That being said, you have to be prepared to make her accountable because you really can't trust her. Please do go to your counseling appointment. If your counselor's degree with worht the papaer it's printed on, he/she should ask your wife to agree to NO CONTACT (*at least until your issues are cleared somewhat*). And you have to know your marriage is sick and that the patient may die. So prepare yourself even as you work very hard to save it.


I would not put a time limit on it. It probably needs to be ... forever.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

baldmale said:


> There are so many red flags here that it should be painfully obvious that she is cheating on you. Sorry.
> 
> She doesn't like ultimatums? Tell her you don't like having an open marriage. And you won't! Also, the password/phone/ipod secrecy isn't acceptable...why are you allowing it? There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is closing the bathroom door to take a sh!t. Secrecy is what affairs need to survive.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She doesn't like ultimatums? Boo-freakin-hoo.
> 
> Tell her what is what: that you won't live in an open marriage.
> Please find your dignity and fast.
> ...


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## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

I'm working two jobs and taking 11 credits why? Well, I want a better life for my wife and I. I took a job at a high school so that I could have time in the evening to go to school myself. I went from making 40K a year to making less than $10/hr. I picked up a second job helping a friend 2-3 days a month doing cleaning, it lets us make ends meet, pay bills. I'm taking 11 credits because I love education and I want to be a teacher. 

She continues to attack me for driving by his house, even said he conisdered placing a restraining order on me. She called me "unstable" for doing just that. 

This is so hard, I feel so weak...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop driving by his house. Be done with her.

She is acting like a spoiled child.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

This is pretty bad. I say if y
ou don't have kids there is no question about going full 180 and probably changing the locks on the doors of your house while she is over at the OM's house getting nailed to his headboard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

bsnone....you owe it to yourself! Be done with her. Love yourself enough to better YOUR life not the 2 of yours, she threw that in the toilet a long time ago. It's rough, we all know, but really, you need to look after yourself!!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsnone said:


> I*'m working two jobs and taking 11 credits why? Well, I want a better life for my wife and I.* I took a job at a high school so that I could have time in the evening to go to school myself. I went from making 40K a year to making less than $10/hr. I picked up a second job helping a friend 2-3 days a month doing cleaning, it lets us make ends meet, pay bills. I'm taking 11 credits because I love education and I want to be a teacher.
> 
> She continues to attack me for driving by his house, even said he conisdered placing a restraining order on me. She called me "unstable" for doing just that.
> 
> This is so hard, I feel so weak...


This is the answer I expected. It is why most of us guys work so hard, work two jobs and improve ourselves through education.

BUT, I would like to share with you that in my 33 years with my wife I have been that guy for much of it. 

S T O P !!!

Work ethic is great. Wives look for financial support .. sure. But you are not meeting her needs. I am not defending her. I am telling you that if you are working for you and your wife you are messing up if it takes you out of your marriage and it allows / requires another guy to meet your wifes needs.

Learn from this. I have been a workaholic most of my life. I can justify much of it. But I will tell you that after doing things this way I know better now. You have to live your life too. You hav eto meet your wife's needs. Just working and going to school while noble is abandonment. Crazy, yeah I know. However, if you get into another relationship, make a change. Spread these efforts over a longer period and spend time with your spouse. Life is too short.

She is no longer your wife. Cut her lose and find a woman who will respect your work ethic and be supportive of you. Just seek out a little more balance in life. I know you are just starting out and there is much sacrifice in those years to get ahead. Maybe you go ahead and put all of your efforts into getting your career going. In that case don't be married for a while. I wish you luck.

So not to be cruel, but is she staying over his house a lot now? Anyway, cut all support you are providing for her now.


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## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

Believe me, it has been a huge wakeup call. When everything first started she came to me and said I wasn't meeting her needs, that I wasn't validating her. I took a long step back and looked at my actions and what I've done to contribute to the situation. I certainly hold ownership of my actions, 3 years and 1 day of gambling recovery will do that to you. 

I just can't stand being lied to. I had another really tough heated conversation with her today. She's agreed to stop seeing him. I don't know what we're going to do about work as all three of us are there... I'm hoping that once we get into therapy she can start to see just exactly she did. 

I'm trying to learn about "the fog", I can probably relate due to my years of gambling. I also really think that the whole transparancy thing needs to happen along with some sort of contract but I'm hoping some of this can be initiated by our MC. We'll see, I am so willing to work through this but I am so scared to get played for a fool once again.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bsnone said:


> Believe me, it has been a huge wakeup call. When everything first started she came to me and said I wasn't meeting her needs, that I wasn't validating her. I took a long step back and looked at my actions and what I've done to contribute to the situation. I certainly hold ownership of my actions, 3 years and 1 day of gambling recovery will do that to you.
> 
> I just can't stand being lied to. I had another really tough heated conversation with her today. *She's agreed to stop seeing him. * I don't know what we're going to do about work as all three of us are there... I'm hoping that once we get into therapy she can start to see just exactly she did.
> 
> I'm trying to learn about "the fog", I can probably relate due to my years of gambling. I also really think that the whole transparancy thing needs to happen along with some sort of contract but I'm hoping some of this can be initiated by our MC. We'll see, I am so willing to work through this but I am so scared to get played for a fool once again.


Ok, brother. Life throws some real [email protected] at us all. I am sorry what you are dealing with. 

Affairs will not die if the parties are still working together. She is going to need to get another job. Really. Hang tough. You have to be assertive and meet her needs. But the affair has to really be dealt with, not just driven underground.


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## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

I have no idea how the job thing is going to work. We're all educators. My personal education is being paid for by the district I work for and school starts Monday. Honestly, financially, we can't make it without her working. Puts me in an amazingly tough position. I could leave, move 2000 miles across country back with my parents and start all over again. In the ideal world, he would leave... 

I'm willing to talk with our principal to try and secure something for myself within the district should this not work out, as in, the affair doesn't end. Honestly, I don't know how I could function on campus knowing that they were together... 

I'm so willing to work and forgive, I'm hoping we will get there. Maybe the idea of working together cannot work... Anyone have direct experience with this??


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Affairs are like drugs and she is an addict. Could you work in a casino and be ok? Could an alcoholic work in a liquor store? Of course not. No contact means just that...no contact. She will need a transfer, or the other guy. You can blah blah blah all you want about how it won't work financially or logistically or whatever, but it's time to figure out if your marriage is really the most important thing to you or not. If it is, they cannot continue to work together. If it isn't then keep doing what you're doing and get those bills paid. But I should remind you most marriages can survive short periods of financial trouble, but none will survive continued contact with affair partners. Also, stop pinning all you hopes on marriage counseling to make the tough choices for you...most are lousy and actually anti-marriage.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry for your situation!

My experience.... My H is still at the same company with the OW, however they do not work directly together. He started looking for a new job after d-day, and if all goes well he should be leaving soon.

In my situation, just a few months after the NC letter, the OW "fished" twice by trying to contact my H at work. He told me immediately and we addressed it together. Working for the same company (not even same building) made those first few months harder for my H. Lots of reminders and he admits he missed the attention she gave him. This from a DS who was eager to rebuild and have NC.

In view of your wife's reluctance to end the affair, I would strongly encourage she leave her job asap. It's pretty "script" for one or the other in an affair to "fish" after the affair has ended. Working together makes it easier and more tempting. Plus, it makes it harder for you to recover and rebuild. My H knows that I will stagnate in my recovery if he stays at this job much longer.

Good luck and stay strong! If you don't have kids and moving 2,000 miles back home is an option, I would consider it. If your family would be supportive, then perhaps leaning on them at this time would be better. I agree, continuing your education during this stressful time would be difficult. Do what is best for _you_.


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