# husband called me a deadbeat



## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

My husband called me a deadbeat without a job....I don't know what to do. He was angry and didnt mean to hurt me. He did it out of anger but its crossing the line. How should I not let him disrespect me like that. I can't just be okay with this but I don't know what to do. He apologized but said I provoked him.

In his defense I started the argument....(again). It was asking him questions about his bachelor party which happened a while ago. I keep finding loopholes to the story. I KNOW this is wrong. I just don't see how if I didn't call him names, he can call me names.

He said I never let go of the bachelor party and keep bullying him with questions when he told me the truth.

Backstory. He lied to me and went to a stripclub when we had discussed and come to agreement he wouldn't. Then I found out and confronted him, and he lied AGAIN about the lapdance, saying he only went inside and did nothing. So he didn't came out clean the first time. Other than this HUGGEEE incident in out lives, he hasnt done anything wrong in terms of lying or cheating. This incident has caused trust issues between him and me. Really just me towards him....


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

trini said:


> when is it okay for a spouse to call each other names like deadbeat?


In my opinion, namecalling is never okay. It's immature and solves nothing. However, you've got to decide what is and is not acceptable to you.

It sounds like he was trying to deflect your accusations because he was feeling guilty. If he can attack you over some perceived slight, then he feels like suddenly his transgressions don't look so bad.

Interrogating him about the bachelor party now, instead of when it actually happened... what were you hoping to accomplish?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

trini said:


> Backstory. He lied to me and went to a stripclub when we had discussed and come to agreement he wouldn't. Then I found out and confronted him, and he lied AGAIN about the lapdance. So he didn't came out clean the first time. Other than this HUGGEEE incident in out lives, he hasnt done anything wrong in terms of lying or cheating.


The strip club incident should not have happened if you insisted no strip clubs. The lies that follow should not have happened as well. You continue to question and question hoping to find more? What has his buddies said that transpired at the party? 

No one should be name calling. It is never ok.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you hit a nerve and he lashed out at you. a common reaction for someone hiding something.

your boy likes to partake of of things usually reserved for bachelors. that might be better than an EA or PA, but still troublesome.

let him know (i'm sure he already does) that fooling around with strippers is a deal breaker and your ready to take a stand, and mean it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

This sounds a mess and immature on both sides (I assume you are both young).

A lapdance at a strip club is not really a big deal. It is not great, but it is not a battle worth fighting. The downside is that he lied to you, which is either vanity from insecurity (wanting to be perfect in your eyes) or because you would explode and it is not worth the trouble. You can work out which one yourself.

Clearly, he should not have lied and not called you a deadbeat. Do you have kids? Does your husband help with the housework?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How long have you been married, why are you still bringing up the party, and why do you not have an outside job? If you have kids, SAHM is a full time job and wonderful. If no kids, and no medical etc reason for not working, then clearly your husband has a significant issue with that. Do you plan on getting a job or starting a family?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I see two different issues. First is you never resolved the bachelor party issue, you keep dwelling on it and he keeps wanting it to disappear. Stop using the bachelor party as a fuse to start other fights, if you need closure tell him you want to discuss it one more time, at the end of the discussion if he still is lying to you and you know it simply tell him that and tell how you know the truth. You may just need to leave it at "you hurt me by lying and by your actions that night". Then leave it alone, never bring it up again.

The second issue is lack of respect, name calling is immature and accomplishes nothing but hurt feelings. I think the best approach is to disengage and walk away, when things cool off let him know it wont be tolerated.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

I shouldn't keep asking questions, that's my problem. He has told me everything I think but I keep doubting him. But I have new questions pop up in my head about that night all the time. I will think I am over it and that he has told the truth now and it wasn't a big deal because he made one mistake and I should let it go but then I think well...if he lied two times then what else is he hiding...And new questions come up that I need clarifying...(example: they said there was no ATM and no one had money to get multiple lapdances but why wouldn't they go outside to get cash...or hubby says no one planned it and as night progressed in the bar they decided to spontaneously go after boys pressured him....but then I remember an email I saw of one of his buddies planning the party a week before and I realize was it all planned and he lied to me again?) Its small things. Anyways the mistrust gets to him cause he sees me seeing him as a cheater and it bothers him that I see him this way. That I never give it up. And bully him. He finds this disrespectful cause it was a long ass time ago....oops


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

He unfortunately has the upperhand cause I started it so even though he grossly hurt my feelings and called me a deadbeat...I have to take it cause I hurt him too..which sucks because I LET HIM do this to me. I keep making this mistake. I let him walk all over me out of anger because I make the initial mistakes and bully him. We will make up at some point cause we are married. I just hate that he can get away with calling me a deadbeat. But I have myself to blame for that. It really sucks.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He finds this disrespectful cause it was a long ass time ago....oops


How long ago was it?

He apologized for calling you a deadbeat, so he knows that was wrong and feels bad about it. Do you accept his apology? Or will you continue to hold it against him, like the bachelor party?

You also need to address your job situation. It obviously is an issue. Taking the deadbeat word out, does your husband have a valid concern here about your job situation? Do you plan to do anything about that?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Also, I am not talking to him right now. Actually I am out of state. And today is friday which means he will go out with the boys and I SHOULD trust him. I know I should. But there is this little devil on the back of my mind that says...hey what if...what if he goes to the stripclub tonight cause he is mad at you. Cause the bachelor party happened three years ago and you never let it go and he is frustrated as hell so he will go again out of anger.:|


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

One more thing I just don't understand is hwo your spouse can hurt you so much more than your family. If my sister had lied to me number of times and i keep mistrusting her she would never ever call me a deadbeat with no job. Cause she would know that there are somethings you just dont say. I understand the legitimate frustration of me without a job. But i would never expect her to go that low. Why is it that family members dont do this but spouses do. I have a cousin who I am very close to and she is very consicous about her weight. I have gotten into a lot of nasty fights with her but I would never call her fatass or target her deep insecurities cause I know there is no return from it and i wouldnt want to hurt her like that. I dont understand why that line is not visible and clear as much in a marriage....

mY FIRST instinct is to say something back but I am not. It wont get me anywhere. But then again, I'm a pretty big screwup right now because my husband disrespects me SO DARN MUCH that he has the ability to call me a deadbeat and know he can get away with it. I am doing something wrong here. I need to earn his respect. I know I need to let this go but I almost feel like if I do I am letting him walk all over me....and there he is in the other side of the US thinking the same...how he puts up with my bull**** and I disrespect him. Funny how it always works out that way.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

How old are you two, trini?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

We are in our 20s.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Not that it is acceptable but sometimes anger brings out some truths about things you are resentful about so aside from feeling nagged about the party, he might also have some upset feelings about you not having a job too.

Talk to him about it, but calmly. What was the agreement with that (of you would work/how much/etc) in the first place


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

trini said:


> Also, I am not talking to him right now. Actually I am out of state. And today is friday which means he will go out with the boys and I SHOULD trust him. I know I should. But there is this little devil on the back of my mind that says...hey what if...what if he goes to the stripclub tonight cause he is mad at you. *Cause the bachelor party happened three years ago *and you never let it go and he is frustrated as hell so he will go again out of anger.:|


Is there anything that he can actually say to you about the bachelor party that would cause you to let it go at this point? 

Is there anything that you can do to address his concerns about you getting a job? 

If you two can't communicate, maybe it's time for some marriage counseling to help you learn to communicate so that you can resolve conflicts instead of continually bringing up the same conflict and creating more and more resentment between you.

I mean, at some point, like after 3 years of questioning, if you can't let it go, then your marriage isn't going to survive, is it?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Not that it is acceptable but sometimes anger brings out some truths about things you are resentful about so aside from feeling nagged about the party, he might also have some upset feelings about you not having a job too.
> 
> Talk to him about it, but calmly. What was the agreement with that (of you would work/how much/etc) in the first place


I am trying to find a job. But I moved states for him and our marriage. This area does not have my degree and mu industry. I am searching and I even got a job but I was let go because it was new to me, not my skills and my area. I am trying to diversify and find new areas for us so we can stay together. Anyways, how can you just blurt it out though. Even if you feel it, how come I would never say something low like that even if I feel it. I mean if he loved me and respected me he wouldn't even if I have no job right now and he is frustrated with me....The problem is I have lost all my dignity and respect and he does see me as a deadbeat cause I canot find or hold a job. The problem is he can get to call me that and get away with it because I have not done anything to prove him wrong. Whcih really makes me angrry and sad. No matter how mad, angry or frustrated one is, you would think there is things you do not say to each other. But I guess I am just with a man who can and will. I have to be the better person and not provoke him everytime. That sucks for me. I would have liked to be with someone more sensitive and careful than him.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Ruminating won't get you anywhere. I think that you should get some counseling in order to boost your self esteem. You're dwelling too much on things. Yes it was super mean and rude for your H to insult you, but it's done now. Make sure he understands there shouldn't be a next time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You stayed with your husband after you found out about the bachelor party. So you have chosen to forgive him. Forgive him and never bring it up again. Or if you do not forgive him, leave him.

What is your degree and industry?

Could you take some classes to retrain yourself to get into a new field?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Omego said:


> Ruminating won't get you anywhere. I think that you should get some counseling in order to boost your self esteem. You're dwelling too much on things. Yes it was super mean and rude for your H to insult you, but it's done now. Make sure he understands there shouldn't be a next time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do I make him understand? By being a little distant to him for a few days until things settle? He thinks I am the one being disrespectful so he will not apoligize sincerely... other than the one line ..."I'm sorry i said that"...followed by a .."BUT you mistrusted me again and I'm not going to take it anymore so I said it out of anger." He sees what I did as worst than what he said. 

Btw, I also apologized to him already for bringing it up again and he said yeah yeah I have heard that before.

So again I ask how do I make him understand? Or do I just accept the fact that he will never respect me until I get a job and will have to take cheap comments from him when I make mistakes and get him angry?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You need to get some counseling for yourself. Otherwise, you're going to keep dwelling on the "deadbeat" comment for the next 3 years, just like you did with the bachelor party.

Individual counseling for you, and marriage counseling for both of you would be my suggestion.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

trini said:


> How do I make him understand?* By being a little distant to him for a few days until things settle?* He thinks I am the one being disrespectful so he will not apoligize sincerely... other than the one line ..."I'm sorry i said that"...followed by a .."BUT you mistrusted me again and I'm not going to take it anymore so I said it out of anger." He sees what I did as worst than what he said.
> 
> Btw, I also apologized to him already for bringing it up again and he said yeah yeah I have heard that before.
> 
> So again I ask how do I make him understand.


Don't do this, it's just passive aggressive.

Sit down, discuss some healthy fighting rules that both of you will follow from now on. Don't blame, don't argue, just set some ground rules. 
You both agree to leave the past in the past. You both agree to no name calling. 

Then just drop it. If it happens again then there would be a need for more serious conversations about it, but you don't need him to be _more _sorry to move past this. You both made mistakes, leave them in the past and look forward and don't repeat them.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> You need to get some counseling for yourself. Otherwise, you're going to keep dwelling on the "deadbeat" comment for the next 3 years, just like you did with the bachelor party.
> 
> Individual counseling for you, and marriage counseling for both of you would be my suggestion.


:iagree:

This.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> You need to get some counseling for yourself. Otherwise, you're going to keep dwelling on the "deadbeat" comment for the next 3 years, just like you did with the bachelor party.
> 
> Individual counseling for you, and marriage counseling for both of you would be my suggestion.


I have never had counseling before. How does one find a doctor? I have a health plan and get a free counseling session from it but they recommended me to find someone outside as they dont cover non medical psychology. Anyways is google yelp good to find someone. Should I focus on a doctor who specializes in anxiety or depression or marriage problems and insecurity. I feel I have all of these...Or resources or books you know of?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Don't do this, it's just passive aggressive.
> 
> Sit down, discuss some healthy fighting rules that both of you will follow from now on. Don't blame, don't argue, just set some ground rules.
> You both agree to leave the past in the past. You both agree to no name calling.
> ...


All good advice and thanks for contributing. I have in the past done many errors and definately learned a lot from it too. BUT I feel if I set a rule to not dwell in the past, not name call etc.,I have fallen so short and so low that he will see this as him teaching me a lesson. That until he hurts me enough I do not see what I am doing wrong. By past mistakes have really hurt his image of me. He sees me as very immature and selfish and spolit. And the resentment he has and that I have of him has become colossal...so...I maybe the best thing to do is to just practice become correct all the time without actually setting any rules so he will follow suite too and if he doesnt I can blame him for going wrong when I didnt instigate? Otherwise he will think oh I taught her a lesson...(I think..)...


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

trini said:


> How do I make him understand? By being a little distant to him for a few days until things settle? He thinks I am the one being disrespectful so he will not apoligize sincerely... other than the one line ..."I'm sorry i said that"...followed by a .."BUT you mistrusted me again and I'm not going to take it anymore so I said it out of anger." He sees what I did as worst than what he said.
> 
> Btw, I also apologized to him already for bringing it up again and he said yeah yeah I have heard that before.
> 
> So again I ask how do I make him understand? Or do I just accept the fact that he will never respect me until I get a job and will have to take cheap comments from him when I make mistakes and get him angry?


You're dramatizing the incident. He did say sorry and he explained why he said it. That's already a step in the right direction. He doesn't disrespect you otherwise he wouldn't have apologized.

I think that the problem lies within yourself. If you have a GP, ask him to recommend someone. You say you have anxiety and depression. Is this your own self-diagnosis or do you have a psychiatrist and meds?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

trini said:


> All good advice and thanks for contributing. I have in the past done many errors and definately learned a lot from it too. BUT I feel if I set a rule to not dwell in the past, not name call etc.,I have fallen so short and so low that he will see this as him teaching me a lesson. .


It doesn't have to be.

"H, I understand how hard my dwelling on the past has been for you. I'm making a commitment to stop that (and actually do it). We need to get better at communicating in general, it should never get to the point of name calling. What do you think are some good ground rules for us the next time we are in an argument?" 

Also discuss his feelings about you not working right now, really try to not be defensive and argumentative, and come up with some solutions together to solve it (I still think his comment stems from some bad feelings about that too)

I'd read through this as well
Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

You're not rewarding his name calling, you're realizing how damaging the lack of communication in your marriage has been and discussing how to fix it.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> You need to get some counseling for yourself. Otherwise, you're going to keep dwelling on the "deadbeat" comment for the next 3 years, just like you did with the bachelor party.
> 
> Individual counseling for you, and marriage counseling for both of you would be my suggestion.


What happy says, plus get a job, any job. What is your field that you are finding it so hard to find a job in? Have you ever worked in your field since graduation? Have you ever worked, period? 

All kinds of minimum and low wage jobs going that would help you to contribute, give you some self worth and no one can call you a deadbeat if you are working.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

3 years is a long time to dwell on something. Obviously, you planned on staying with him or you would have left him by now over the incident. What do you hope to accomplish my pestering him about it all of the time? Do you think he is going to say something that is going to make you happy to hear? 

You're nagging him. 

Yep. I said it. You're nagging him. He can't change the past. It's done. It's over. He doesn't have a time machine to go back and do something different. You SHOULD have addressed this issue 3 years ago. Gave him consequences for disobeying the boundaries, and then subsequently lying about it. Buuuut you didn't. So. Here you are. 3 years later. Nagging. Still.

You are so sure you're going to work it out because you're married. That's not how it works. A piece of paper doesn't force someone to stay with a person they grow to dislike. Right now, you're giving your H reasons to not like being around you. 

If you forgive him (and I assume you do, since you're not divorced), then you need to get over the bachelor party. NEVER bring it up again. NEVER. If you find out in the future he lies to you about something ELSE...address that immediately and decide for yourself if you can stay with him after. If you stay, you need to forgive him and move on. That's part of what marriage is. BOTH people working together. If you can't trust him, why are you with him? If you're with him because you need him financially, you need to get off your butt and get a job. You're young. You have so much time left to do so many things. Stop wasting it being p*ssed off about something your H can't change.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think you're both immature. You need to either let go of the bachelor party incident - as others have said, what happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, not even God can change the past - so you need to let it go and move on, or get a divorce. Nagging him repeatedly will not fix anything, it will just make it worse.

He also needs to apologise properly for calling you a deadbeat. "I'm sorry BUT you did/said blah blah blah" is not an apology. The 'but' negates everything that came before it.

The both of you need to address things when they come up, and fight fair. No name calling, no yelling. If he has an issue with your not working, he needs to say so in a calm moment, not yell and call you names.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Have you read any of the materials or worked on any of the advice given to you in your prior threads? Because you seemed stuck on blaming your husband for everything. Or looking at him and seeing everything wrong with him. How much responsibility are you taking for where you are now?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I think you're both immature. You need to either let go of the bachelor party incident - as others have said, what happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, not even God can change the past - so you need to let it go and move on, or get a divorce. Nagging him repeatedly will not fix anything, it will just make it worse.
> 
> *He also needs to apologise properly for calling you a deadbeat. "I'm sorry BUT you did/said blah blah blah" is not an apology. The 'but' negates everything that came before it.*
> 
> The both of you need to address things when they come up, and fight fair. No name calling, no yelling. If he has an issue with your not working, he needs to say so in a calm moment, not yell and call you names.


How would he need to apologize so that its enough. I mean I know he is super frustrated about my job situation and probably doesnt have respect for me, that much. I guess I feel if I bring it up again he will just get mad at me. He says its not fair that I get to suspect him and distrust him and he is not allowed to react if I disrespect him out of anger. If I was to get an apology from him for the deadbeat comment how should I get it?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

trini said:


> How would he need to apologize so that its enough. I mean I know he is super frustrated about my job situation and probably doesnt have respect for me, that much. I guess I feel if I bring it up again he will just get mad at me. He says its not fair that I get to suspect him and distrust him and he is not allowed to react if I disrespect him out of anger. If I was to get an apology from him for the deadbeat comment how should I get it?


The apology I'd want from him is "I'm sorry I called you a deadbeat. I am also sorry that I lied to you (repeatedly) and killed your trust for me. I am sorry that I go out with my buddies on Fridays to hoot and hollar when I am a married man and should not be behaving like a glorified frat boy."


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Also, I am not talking to him right now. Actually I am out of state. And today is friday which means he will go out with the boys and I SHOULD trust him. I know I should. But there is this little devil on the back of my mind that says...hey what if...what if he goes to the stripclub tonight cause he is mad at you. Cause the bachelor party happened three years ago and you never let it go and he is frustrated as hell so he will go again out of anger.


Name calling is never OK and neither is lying...

You have trust issues because he broke your trust, but are you prepared to live out the rest of your life worrying about what he did or didn't do at his bachelor's party?

You've only been married 3 years, OP, and already it sounds like a living hell. Whatever you do, don't strart a family with your H - and I urgently suggest that you get some marital counselling and / or decide if this marriage is worth pursuing. 

Frankly, I wouldn't allow myself to be in a relationship with someone who called me names and where there was a complete lack of trust.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Let's see:

According to your own words:

- You repeatedly ruin your marriage by bringing up a stupid issue like a lap-dance at a bachelor party from 3 years ago.
- You have made many mistakes in your relationship in the past
- Your husband sees you as selfish and spoiled
- You don't have a job and have all kinds of excuses for it.
- You bring up the bachelor party YET AGAIN even though you have apologized for doing it the in the past and admit that your husband has told you everything you could possibly hear about it
- You drive him up the wall with your immaturity
- He calls you a "deadbeat" for the first time ever 
- He apologizes 
- Now you're here asking people how you should punish him even after he has apologized.


I think your husband is exactly right for seeing you as entitled, selfish and spoiled. If you don't find a job soon, I'd say he's right in calling you a deadbeat also.

You have some growing up to do.


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