# My husband does not talk!!!



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Every time we get into a serious discussion about the relationship or god forbid the affair, he just has a sad look on his face but cannot verbalize anything. I swear I feel like I am talking to a child, when their response is just a "sorry mom". It is making me nuts!! Help!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Several things could be happening. If you're yelling, or using an accusatory tone, that makes him feel worse about it, then chances are he will clam up and you wont get anything from him. I'm not saying you're doing this, but just letting you know that isn't helpful if you were. Also it could just be he feels so much guilt he can't talk about it. It might do him some good though he could open up, maybe suggest counseling.


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

My husband did this too. He is a rug sweeper.. always has been. Even though the affair was over almost as soon as it began by his doing months before I found out, he thought it was best to hide it away just so we didn't have to talk about anything serious. Although he has been completely transparent, anytime I may bring it up occassionaly even a year later, he gets very quiet and sad and just says he's sorry. Like he would rather never mention it again, ever. He doesn't want to be reminded of his horrible failure. Sometimes I get so sick of hearing "I'm sorry".


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'd say if you want to talk to him about it and he has difficulty doing so, then form what you're wanting to discuss into "yes or no questions. 

When he can't supply a yes or a no, then you need to ask him to expand.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

yes, i have had to take my tone down many levels. I have tried to let him lead, you know not do too much talking, but he seems to not even get what i am talking about.
For example. we are watching tv, commerial about some type of infidelity comes on. he says nothing. i say, that commerical made me feel sad. he says.. sorry.. 
we have been in marriage counseling for a year! and we both in individual therapy. it's like i am in a desert and his talking is the water, and i am dying of thirst!!


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

DD080510,
How do you think his lack of commuicating is affecting your relationship. We never had great communication. He has i think been this way (emotionally closed) since he was a young child. So, it's like we are tackling us trying to have a better emotional connection AND me trying to get over the affair. I feel like i am doing a lot of work, but he is just skating along. I am feeling so frustrated that i wrote his personal therapist a letter!!


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Do you know what is so funny, i was just thinking last night, What if i wrote a bunch of stuff down on paper and he just had to circle the answers..
But this is the thing.I cannot spend the next 20 years, not having my emotional needs met. I feel like if i am going to stand by him after the affair i deserve that much.
I am beginning to see that he really jsut doesn't know how to have a deep conversation. He always wants to blame it on me when i push the issue. Either my tone is wrong, or my facial expression is aggressive, i mean it all makes me want to bang my head agaisnt the wall. 
I have begged him to read blogs about it, read books, write in his journal, but he doesn't do it. Yes, I am happy he is going to counseling, but my gosh how long before he can at least have a concversation without getting defensive, take responsiblity for his actions. The other night he got all upset about something and the enxt day blamed me for his outburst... is that not counseling 101, own your actions??


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

My husband has been pretty closed since childhood too. We've always had issues talking about serious stuff because for the most part, he caused it and he doesn't want to admit he is wrong..ever, even when I admit my wrongs very easily to him. His mother would literally not talk to him for weeks when he would open up to her about his feelings regarding any action she did. I think it's just ingrained in him. I know a lot of men just like this so I tell myself no matter where we go, there is always the possibility that they will not be good communicators and/or we will struggle with some other problem that I don't have with my husband now. After struggling to get that serious layer off my husband where he feels like he's being attacked, we can usually discuss whatever is needed. 

Him never wanting to talk about anything serious has impacted our relationship immensely. Just last week I tried to talk about something small I said that upset him and he would have rather let it go than talk about it. That's not fair to me, I deserve to know what I said wrong so I could either explain or apologize so I know not to do it again. When he holds it in, it leads to bitterness that I am unaware of.. it's just not healthy, plain and simple. But, there are so many other areas where we click that I know would be hard to find somewhere else so we work through it. Just try to think of the areas in him that you could not find in someone else and that will help you overcome this struggle. Even if your future mate (if you move on) is a great communicator, he may be horrible financially which could lead to even bigger issues. 

I do feel though that there should be a certain amount of time for the cheating spouse to be completely open and transparent about the affair whenever the spouse wants or needs to talk about it. After about a years time, I feel that it is up to the betrayed spouse to start letting it go and stop talking so much about it if they choose to forgive. If I had made the mistake, I sure would hate to have talk about it for the rest of my life.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks for your reply dd08510,

That is I believe how my H grew up regarding his mother and it not being ok to show emotion. 
But, like you were saying, EVERYTHING i say to him is seen as an attack. Even if i try to say it in the nicest way possible. I feel like he treats me as a constant threat to him. 
Regarding the affair, i dont' really talk about it much. BUT, what I do talk about his him no longer being sensative that I may get anxiety if he is out late and doesn't check in. I feel like he is not aware of the long term emotional effects the affair has had on me. I of course have told him through the months, but how many times can you say something. I told him that his affair caused me more long lasting pain than my father dying, that is a pretty big deal. While I do not remind him of that, it's like he cannot handle the facts of the situation. That is where my frustration is coming in. 
I guess I also don't understand where all his anger towards me is coming from. He is very irritable. If the house is not picked, if the car is parked odd, if i use too many dished while cooking , little insignifcant things.. I don't get it.


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

It's probably because he's experiencing a lot of guilt and as a man, he tries not to think about it. Whenever you bring up anything, it brings him back to that place that makes him feel horrible. Or, he may be experiencing some depression regarding his horrible mistake. Was he always this quick to be irritable? Even before you found out about the affair?


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I don't know why women stay with a "man-child" such as this?????????????????


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

BigBri,

You know what the crazy thing is, i sadly do not have any evidence they are not all like this. My dad was not really in my life, died when i was 16. My bf before this was more a hs crush..
One reason I am seeking outside opinions


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

A lot of men are like this, girlfriend. They _act_ and _talk_ like real men SUPPOSED to, but when the sh!t hits the fan, they look for somewhere to cower- like little boys under the table hiding from a spanking. My _own_ brother does this, and he's 25. They're not emotionally mature to deal with real world situations. Maybe its because I led a tougher life so-to-speak, but you have to grow-up sometime and handle your own BIZ like an adult. Some men don't EVER get around to this because they have a strong woman by their side, further stalling their personal growth. This goes for women also. Being too DEPENDENT on their man for everything that goes wrong- from killing a spider; to handling the finances-- it stifles personal growth.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not to stir your already-complicated pot, and likely NOT an issue -- but are you sure he's not still involved externally somehow? Wondering about his defensiveness and a defense mechanism to deeper stuff.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

Mine did the same thing until he boiled over and yelled 20 years of anger towards me withing 20 minutes. It hurt like hell to know EXACTLY what he was harboring inside. The love I had for him is gone completely now and I'm hanging in there until I get myself together to leave him. When the marriage is over, its o-v-e-r and at some point we need to accept WHAT IS. You either decide to stay and live out the rest of your life depressed or piece together an exit plan BEFORE walking away. Do see a divorce lawyer before doing so - know what your options are in advance!


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