# How Easily Do You Feel Rejected?



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

I've been reading random posts, here, and noticed a pattern. When there are sexual obstacles, a lot of people bring up the topic of men feeling sexually rejected.

I also read some of the ques guys take. For example, if their woman wants to shower without anyone coming in or if she prefers to change clothes in private. 

I don't have hang-ups about these things but as a woman, I know there have been times that I've wanted that privacy. For example, if I'm shaving my legs, I don't want an audience. Sometimes when I'm trying on clothes, I don't want the big guy seeing me sausage myself into a pair of skinny jeans. It's embarrassing and I'd hate for those images to be ingrained in his mind. Now, I'm starting to see that he might just see those things as rejection.

So my question is this: how easily do you feel rejected and give up? Is it the little things that are enough to deter you or do you just try again later?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> I've been reading random posts, here, and noticed a pattern. When there are sexual obstacles, a lot of people bring up the topic of men feeling sexually rejected.
> 
> I also read some of the ques guys take. For example, if their woman wants to shower without anyone coming in or if she prefers to change clothes in private.
> 
> ...


For me it has to be several things in a row that seem to establish a pattern. For me though its more about the direct A-B relationship. So if I initiated sex a few times and got shot down then I would probably start internalizing some of the things you are describing as a larger problem.

Not being in a changing room or not going in the shower to get a peek in and of itself wouldnt make me feel rejected


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It goes like this:

No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no- feel rejection, no- feel rejection, no- feel rejection, no- feel rejection, yes, no, no, no- feel rejection, no- feel rejection, no- feel rejection, no- feel rejection, yes, no, no- feel rejection, not not now but tomorrow, yes, no, no- feel rejection, etc. etc. 

Enough no's and every no is a rejection. No with an explanation or an I really love you and you follow up on what you said is fine.


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## BronzeTorpedo (Dec 17, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> I've been reading random posts, here, and noticed a pattern. When there are sexual obstacles, a lot of people bring up the topic of men feeling sexually rejected.
> 
> I also read some of the ques guys take. For example, if their woman wants to shower without anyone coming in or if she prefers to change clothes in private.
> 
> ...


It would depend on your overall sex life. If you rarely reject your husband's sexual advances, then he's probably fine that you don't want him watching you shave your legs. He feels secure that you desire him.

If you regularly reject his advances and rarely initiate yourself, he's probably much less secure and minor things become increased in importance. You not wanting him to see you change or shave becomes indicative of you not desiring him sexually.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Is there much warm-up to the initiation? I know from a woman's perspective, men can be pretty random. Mr. Bam could walk around in his own world all day without noticing me but then randomly let me know that he wants to shimmy-sham when I'm in the middle of a task needing attention. I don't feel like I'm giving him a no...just a "try later, it's honestly not a good time". However, he kind of ticks those things off (in his mind) as rejections. 

If he were to initiate when I'm bored, on the couch, surfing my phone, it would be a clear go. However, if I'm in the middle of doing dishes, the last thing on my mind as I'm touching nasty, old food is sex lol!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

So wait just a minute....

All this time I grab at my wife when she is getting dressed and telling me to stop bothering her... this is NOT a routine to tease me and get me all worked up! 

ooooHHHHH ssshhiTTTT! That explains a lot....


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Rejection can be a slow builder for a lot of men.

My ex used to let slip with little statement like when watching TV.."I'm feeling a little headachy tonight."

..and then stay up til midnight or more playing World of Warcraft.

Stuff like that build after a while.

My current GF will tell me she is going to take a shower and I will ask. Want some company? IF yes she says so, if not she will say "I need some pretty up time".

Easy.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> Is there much warm-up to the initiation? I know from a woman's perspective, men can be pretty random. Mr. Bam could walk around in his own world all day without noticing me but then randomly let me know that he wants to shimmy-sham when I'm in the middle of a task needing attention. I don't feel like I'm giving him a no...just a "try later, it's honestly not a good time". However, he kind of ticks those things off (in his mind) as rejections.
> 
> If he were to initiate when I'm bored, on the couch, surfing my phone, it would be a clear go. However, if I'm in the middle of doing dishes, the last thing on my mind as I'm touching nasty, old food is sex lol!


There should be a warm up. IMO -keeping my wife warm to simmering all day is the way to go. Then it just takes another nudge and its on. The random texted pics of her various body parts throughout the day keeps me in a fairly warm mood as well. 

Not talking to her all day- then going for it -probably wouldn't work for most. I mean, maybe, but probably not. Have you ever tried just going with it -even if your in the middle of dishes? He makes a move -you just drop what your doing and get down to it? I mean- what do you think that would do for his attitude....and yours. Or even -tell him -"yes, lets do that...help me finish this and I'm all yours"

I think it's more about the flow and feel of the relationship. Our marriage has near constant sexual tension going on 23.5/7. It works for us....it's fun too


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> There should be a warm up. IMO -keeping my wife warm to simmering all day is the way to go. Then it just takes another nudge and its on. The random texted pics of her various body parts throughout the day keeps me in a fairly warm mood as well.
> 
> Not talking to her all day- then going for it -probably wouldn't work for most. I mean, maybe, but probably not. Have you ever tried just going with it -even if your in the middle of dishes? He makes a move -you just drop what your doing and get down to it? I mean- what do you think that would do for his attitude....and yours. Or even -tell him -"yes, lets do that...help me finish this and I'm all yours"
> 
> I think it's more about the flow and feel of the relationship. Our marriage has near constant sexual tension going on 23.5/7. It works for us....it's fun too


I couldn't agree more. Simple, little gestures can easily gear a woman to be pushed over the edge with a small nudge.

I've dropped what I was doing, in the past. I think I let him have things his way quite often. I try to encourage him to come to me rather than squirreling away with his porn lol. It's just more fun for me when I'm prepared. 

One thing I never understood was when he expressed feeling rejected. I don't think I ever outright said no (with the exception of being sick with the flu or something). Somewhere along the line, I might have missed the part where my actions made him feel rejected.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Bam85 said:


> Is there much warm-up to the initiation? I know from a woman's perspective, men can be pretty random. Mr. Bam could walk around in his own world all day without noticing me but then randomly let me know that he wants to shimmy-sham when I'm in the middle of a task needing attention. I don't feel like I'm giving him a no...just a "try later, it's honestly not a good time". However, he kind of ticks those things off (in his mind) as rejections.
> 
> *If he were to initiate when I'm bored, on the couch, surfing my phone, it would be a clear go*. However, if I'm in the middle of doing dishes, the last thing on my mind as I'm touching nasty, old food is sex lol!


So why don't you initiate during those times instead of being on the couch, surfing your phone?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Then say no not now but later, or "you know, if you did X.Y and Z to make me feel desired during the day I'd say yes more often", or whatever. If you've got a ratio of more than 2 no's to every 1 yes then you should be explaining why his approach is off or try and align both your expectations closer. 

If all you ever say is no without an explanation why would you expect him to interpret that as other than a rejection? Telepathy? Try to remember that him approaching is not the first time he thought of it that day, we think of sex repeatedly and already filter those out. So what you are experiencing as a lot of approaches is maybe 1/5 to 1/10th of his thinking it. 




Bam85 said:


> Is there much warm-up to the initiation? I know from a woman's perspective, men can be pretty random. Mr. Bam could walk around in his own world all day without noticing me but then randomly let me know that he wants to shimmy-sham when I'm in the middle of a task needing attention. I don't feel like I'm giving him a no...just a "try later, it's honestly not a good time". However, he kind of ticks those things off (in his mind) as rejections.
> 
> If he were to initiate when I'm bored, on the couch, surfing my phone, it would be a clear go. However, if I'm in the middle of doing dishes, the last thing on my mind as I'm touching nasty, old food is sex lol!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> So why don't you initiate during those times instead of being on the couch, surfing your phone?


:iagree: 1 initiation by you could reset the clock


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> how easily do you feel rejected and give up?


There are too many factors to really answer this question. It is going to be a function of many things, such as the overall health of your relationship, the type of relationship you have, your relative drive levels, and many other things. 

At some point, which will vary on a multitude of factors, the "no" doesn't merely become a "no", it becomes a rejection.

Men emotionally bond to women through sex. Thus, if a man isn't getting enough sex (whatever the definition of 'enough' is, again, varies) then his bond to you will fade and break away, potentially leading to other issues in your marriage.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> So why don't you initiate during those times instead of being on the couch, surfing your phone?


Usually, I waste time online when he's off doing his own thing. He's a musician and likes to spend some time after work recording/working on his music. Other times it's because he's at the gym. I join him sometimes but I prefer not to go to the gym if I don't feel like I have the energy to put in a good workout. Not opportune moments to come on to him.



Constable Odo said:


> There are too many factors to really answer this question. It is going to be a function of many things, such as the overall health of your relationship, the type of relationship you have, your relative drive levels, and many other things.
> 
> At some point, which will vary on a multitude of factors, the "no" doesn't merely become a "no", it becomes a rejection.
> 
> Men emotionally bond to women through sex. Thus, if a man isn't getting enough sex (whatever the definition of 'enough' is, again, varies) then his bond to you will fade and break away, potentially leading to other issues in your marriage.


That I can understand. I do get, somewhat, mixed signals. Some men say they feel closer to their partners when they get a lot of sex. Other guys get Old Cow Syndrome and get sick of looking at the same woman all the time.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Old cow syndrome? Oh my!:scratchhead: Not me, but then I am fairly familiar with "no"


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> Usually, I waste time online when he's off doing his own thing. He's a musician and likes to spend some time after work recording/working on his music. Other times it's because he's at the gym. I join him sometimes but I prefer not to go to the gym if I don't feel like I have the energy to put in a good workout. Not opportune moments to come on to him.
> 
> 
> 
> That I can understand. I do get, somewhat, mixed signals. Some men say they feel closer to their partners when they get a lot of sex. *Other guys get Old Cow Syndrome and get sick of looking at the same woman all the time.*


Have you actually been told this -or is it an assumption?

I mean- I've heard the more common version of..."Show me the most beautiful woman on earth and I'll show you some guy that's tired of having sex with her". But the reality is usually quite different..when a man emotionally and physically bonds to a female...the sex- rarely get's old...as long as the effort is being made to keep it fun. I mean...it's sex...it really should be fun.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> Other guys get Old Cow Syndrome and get sick of looking at the same woman all the time.


How UDDERLY horrible!


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

I think women actually bond pretty deeply during sex as well and I'm not trying to downplay the differences between the genders. I actually think the way that men and women in general bond is different.

I think for a women it is that she feels comfortable enough to share her body with a man and feels loved by him. In general, more affectionate signs of love are enough to keep up her feelings of love.

I think for a man a constant stream of sexual attention and desire are what keeps his love tank full. Being desired as a man and as a sexual being are a higher priority and make him feel more desired.

Again, generalizations, but I think men take sexual rejection more to the core than women do and when it feels that someone is rejecting WHO you are and not just an activity that you do, it cuts more deeply.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I will try to offer some examples of very mild feelings of rejection to shed some light on where it perhaps surprisingly hides. 

My wife told me she was going shopping an hour away about five minutes from my favorite store while my truck is at the auto repair shop overnight and did not ask me to go with her. It's an hour one way dropping off my daughter for an hour and half to an activity. They will likely go out to eat after. She was not thinking of me and did not have a desire for me to go. I felt rejected and unimportant to her.

My wife asked me what I thought about our two city weekend trip coming up as far as what nights I would enjoy in what city. I felt desired and important to her.

I started rubbing on my wife who was suspiciously sought me out in a different part of the house kind of snuggling up near me and it she seemed to shut that down by adjusting herself away from me. I was feeling pretty neutral not sure what she was up to. I started to leave the room for a minute and she asked me where I was going. I said I was going to grab a quick snack. She asked if I was coming back. I said yes in a minute. That's all I needed to know. When I came back she was giving me the look of desire. We did the deed. During this I sensed a possible rejection and ran the test to see what was up. I was ok either way with it. 

We have an agreement that we will kiss hello and goodbye and that has been very helpful during our marriage strengthening efforts. Once in a while one of us will forget. In those cases the forgotten spouse feels rejected. We tell each other so and it gets made up on the spot. That reverses the feeling of rejection and sometimes it heats up into an immediate romp which is lots of fun. Other times it is more tame but still gets addressed with a kiss and a smile and a thank you for reminding me. This is doubly effective because the neglecting spouse feels desired when called on the carpet and sets out to create those same feelings in the other.

My wife announced she was going to a meeting at my daughters school. She did not ask me to attend. I had a mild feeling of rejection as she usually does. No big deal really. 

I asked my wife if she wanted to go to lunch and she accepted enthusiastically. That enthusiasm cleans out whatever rejection residue that was hanging around. 

I went to kiss my wife in the kitchen while she was doing stuff like many husbands do and she got a little perturbed like many wives do and I felt a little reject sting. But she did kiss me back and smiled at me and then scolded me flirtatiously saying now leave me be for a minute so I can finish this and I will smooch on you later. Her skilled handling of my heart made me feel desired and important. 

My wife has told ne and I believe her that she would not hurt me on purpose. We tell each other when we do so to eliminate it. It works and we both feel loved most of the time. It isn't every time but it is a reminder that we need to be mindful of the others persons feelings of being desired.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

How easily do I "feel" rejected? Too easily....way too easily...and then I begin the destructive downward spiral that leads to "She doesn't love me. She doesn't desire me. Fine...if she's going to be that way...I know just how to fix that!"...And then I set forth on my path of destructive behavior that I am so very comfortable with.

I surprised myself, and my wife, just the other day though...I was ogling her with a devilish grin as she was undressing when she stops...looks at me looking at her in that manner and says to me "You can leave now."

We're learning about her setting boundaries and me honoring them, right? She set the boundary and instead of me getting all "butt hurt" over her remark, I grinned at her, gave her a wink, said "OK, but you're too damn sexy." and walked out of the room.

A first for me...something about this therapy I'm immersed in must be working. LOL!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bam85 said:


> Is there much warm-up to the initiation? I know from a woman's perspective, men can be pretty random. Mr. Bam could walk around in his own world all day without noticing me but then randomly let me know that he wants to shimmy-sham when I'm in the middle of a task needing attention. I don't feel like I'm giving him a no...just a "try later, it's honestly not a good time". However, he kind of ticks those things off (in his mind) as rejections.
> 
> If he were to initiate when I'm bored, on the couch, surfing my phone, it would be a clear go. However, if I'm in the middle of doing dishes, the last thing on my mind as I'm touching nasty, old food is sex lol!


My H is a very sensitive loving man, he can't stand to be a burden and wouldn't bother me if he felt the slightest HINT of rejection.. back in the day I was more moody over not being able to conceive.. he'd come up behind me getting a little frisky and just my mood would cause him to back away.. 
I look back on this.. and cringe.. as HE NEVER DESERVED that.. 

I also had hang ups about my body -just didn't want to see seen naked, like I needed a leaf or something.. again.. ridiculous ! I got over all of his nonsense by the time we had all our kids.. but yeah.. some men just really LOVE to feel wanted by their wives ... give them something to go on.. it means a lot to him if hes showing his affection -wanting his wife.. enjoying the sites ...give him this.. work on it.. ask HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO HIM.. Just a thought.

Imagine if you were coming on to him..and he pushed YOU away.. how you would feel.. Men are so much more used to this.. but one thing is for sure..Us women WOULDN'T handle that nearly as well...being the emotional creatures we are..... we'd be soooo hurt, feeling "OMG My Husband doesn't desire me anymore.. is he looking at porn!"...

Someday these tables may turn on you... be there for your MAN NOW.. I wish I could go back in time on this one!


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Good responses all around. I wish I could quote some of you but the mobile options are weird. In any case, I think that for most happily married people, sexually rejecting our partners isn't the goal. When it happens, it tends to plant the seed for destructive behavior. That's why it's important to be aware of little things we may be doing that are giving the impression of rejection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TakenforGranted (Mar 17, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> I've been reading random posts, here, and noticed a pattern. When there are sexual obstacles, a lot of people bring up the topic of men feeling sexually rejected.
> 
> I also read some of the ques guys take. For example, if their woman wants to shower without anyone coming in or if she prefers to change clothes in private.
> 
> ...


Hmmm I don't know how to respond. Okay, my husband got sick early in our marriage and the experimental treatments left him with little to no sex drive. The treatment itself lasted a year, then side effects that altered his drive, moods in general, and even his nerves feeling like they were on fire lasted about 3 more years. 4 yrs no sex..........at all. Yay he's cured and suddenly he didn't want me, at all. Then one day 6yrs ago he did and its been like the good old days since So I'm used to rejection, I even expect it since he did so after we got back on the wagon haha. So I haven't initiated in years, he knows why I don't and doesn't have a problem with being the one initiating all the fun. But all this has left me with some serious body/self esteem issues.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

In the early 'stages' rejection can really hurt....but over time I think you get used to them so you stop putting yourself in the position where you are likely to get rejected, therefore hurt. However I do believe that you grow a thicker skin.
I got so used to my wife rejecting me sexually that I have now lost all sexual interest in her. I simple no longer see her as a sexual being.

I remember a coupls of years ago I had really bad food poisoning...I was up and down the whole night in agony 'spewing' (sorry!) from both ends. I wasnt exactly quiet either!

My wife slept through the whole night completely oblivious to what I was going through. I felt rejected....and told her in the morning that if I had a violent heart attack right next to her she wouldn't even notice...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
How I take rejection depends a lot on the situation and reasons.

If my wife is not feeling well, or has something important to do, i do not mind at all being rejected (and if I knew she was feeling poorly wouldn't suggest anything).

OTOH as I notice that her "not feeling well" seems remarkably correlated to times when we might have sex, but not when there is anything else she wants to do - yes I feel rejected.

I especially feel rejection when I'm being turned down for something that doesn't seem important. She wants to read her favorite blog. Or do some chore that isn't really necessary. She's gotten better in that now she will just tell me that she doesn't feel like it.

Rejection is really destructive. It is saying that you can't be bothered to spend a half hour to make your partner happy.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

I feel utterly rejected when my hand falls asleep on me during a lovemaking session...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Since receiving sufficient training/coaching, I have learned to reject myself on my own. Often requires no effort on her part, or even her presence. Just passing through a mall or an airport, there are ample opportunities to catch a glimpse of what has been withheld (and I don't mean just a physical body).



I'm a man, but I have it on good authority women whose partners consistently withhold themselves (physically or otherwise) can too feel the sting of rejection just by noticing the non-rejected ones living a fuller life.



Understand I'm speaking of apples here (rotting ones), and those are different than, say, thr oranges others here have in mind. But my suggestion is, if you love your partner and care how they feel, ask him or her directly if you make your partner feel loved. Explain that you ask, because you don't want there to be any doubt about how you feel, and though you are not always primed for action or mentally ready and willing, you want to nurture and grow trust that the connection I always there.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> I feel utterly rejected when my hand falls asleep on me during a lovemaking session...


But Odo...thats great because then it feels as if someone else is doing it!


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

askari said:


> But Odo...thats great because then it feels as if someone else is doing it!


If my SO's hand falls asleep on her as she's pleasuring me, does that mean we're having a 3-way?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> I've been reading random posts, here, and noticed a pattern. When there are sexual obstacles, a lot of people bring up the topic of men feeling sexually rejected.
> 
> I also read some of the ques guys take. For example, if their woman wants to shower without anyone coming in or if she prefers to change clothes in private.
> 
> ...



BAM ,

rejection is not just an incidence ; it is a constant wave of refusal .

I am not sure about others ; But what I am talking about in my case is a wife ; who initiated less than 10 times in 17 years .

Who refused all the time to do anything but vanilla .

Who made a foreplay for less than 3 min may be 2 or 3 times .

Who claim tired one day , claim headache next day , claim anything third day , and never offer an alternative .

it is when a lady try her best to show her partner that she is ready to do duty sex if he wants ; and never show desires for him .

when your husband look sad in the morning & disappointed , be sure that he is rejected .

rejection is the most abusive way to make a husband feel bad; beleieve it


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For women wondering about what exactly constitutes rejection or what rejection feels like; my simple suggestion is to test drive it.

Initiate exactly at a time you don't expect your man to be available, same as you.

My experience in this arena is near comical. I had a girlfriend years ago, whom when prompted why she didn't initiate more, responded with "Well, because when I did that *one* time you rejected me."

For those being rejected, there needs to be a moratorium, or a summit when the only answer you get is, "No ..." or "I have a headache."


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

When my depression was going untreated, I felt rejection very easily, and for many of the reasons described. Much like SA's husband, I would "self reject" based on a passing comment or perceived mood. This, coupled with my wife's natural reluctance to initiate resulted in a very poor marriage environment (at least from my perspective). I'd end up in a sh!tty mood and she'd have no idea that sex was ever even on my mind many times. Then when I'd actually try to initiate she'd shoot me down because I'd been acting like an ass. Endless spiral.

There's still a lot of leftover feelings from this time, even though things are getting better. My wife still will not initiate, and that still hurts--a lot. I'm getting much better filtering through what's true rejection vs perceived rejection, and my improved mood is helping her trust me a little more, I think.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Fozzy said:


> When my depression was going untreated, I felt rejection very easily, and for many of the reasons described. Much like SA's husband, I would "self reject" based on a passing comment or perceived mood. This, coupled with my wife's natural reluctance to initiate resulted in a very poor marriage environment (at least from my perspective). I'd end up in a sh!tty mood and she'd have no idea that sex was ever even on my mind many times. Then when I'd actually try to initiate she'd shoot me down because I'd been acting like an ass. Endless spiral.
> 
> There's still a lot of leftover feelings from this time, even though things are getting better. My wife still will not initiate, and that still hurts--a lot. I'm getting much better filtering through what's true rejection vs perceived rejection, and my improved mood is helping her trust me a little more, I think.


One reason it was never too awful bad for myself & husband is.. I was ALWAYS an initiator.... from the very beginning.. I would be relentless if I wanted it.. of course I never had to be -until mid life...I felt like I was pushing his limits.. (I was actually!).... I don't take no for an answer very easily.. which probably doesn't sound good.. why I am thankful I am a woman I guess. 

If I never initiated, or shown interest .... the type of man I am married to (very sensitive here -being a giver) ....I can only imagine how this would have affected him.. he probably would have felt like an empty shell... and just threw himself in other pursuits to keep his mind off of sex..and manage to stay married.. he wouldn't have been happy... which would have been really sad..


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

My feeling rejected was more about how one-sided things felt. It was fairly uncommon for my ex to say "no" outright. If I pressed forward, I almost never got an overt rejection. But there was still something missing. Eventually a little thought triggers that makes you ask "why do I always have to press her"? Why doesn't she ever express interest of her own? Where's the enthusiasm?

It began to feel more like an act of charity on her part, or a chore she had to do. Empty and unrewarding. Unvalued.

After awhile you don't want anything from someone who doesn't seem to want you. It was a long, slow, doubt-filled, passive rejection. I'd have preferred an outright rejection. It doesn't take as long to figure out and it's easier to act on certainty.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Deejo, I think you forget that there are many women who do get repeatedly rejected. There are many women who have higher sex drives than their husbands. I don't have in imagine what rejection is like because I've been rejected enough by my husband. 



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> How I take rejection depends a lot on the situation and reasons.
> 
> If my wife is not feeling well, or has something important to do, i do not mind at all being rejected (and if I knew she was feeling poorly wouldn't suggest anything).
> ...


:iagree:

Although the "I have a headache", "I'm tired", or "I don't feel well" excuse can't be used too often, or it does start to become hurtful rejection. My husband often rejected me because he had a headache or wanted to watch a certain tv show. Painful rejection when you realize you are lower on the totem pole than a tv show or some other insignificant thing. He's gotten much better, but those times really hurt.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> My feeling rejected was more about how one-sided things felt. It was fairly uncommon for my ex to say "no" outright. If I pressed forward, I almost never got an overt rejection. But there was still something missing. Eventually a little thought triggers that makes you ask "why do I always have to press her"? Why doesn't she ever express interest of her own? Where's the enthusiasm?
> 
> It began to feel more like an act of charity on her part, or a chore she had to do. Empty and unrewarding. Unvalued.
> 
> After awhile you don't want anything from someone who doesn't seem to want you. It was a long, slow, doubt-filled, passive rejection. I'd have preferred an outright rejection. It doesn't take as long to figure out and it's easier to act on certainty.


Oh yeah...this one is really tough to deal with. My wife is VERY passive when it comes to initiation. Rarely blatantly jumps my bones type of initiation. She has never said no, and is always extremely receptive, and enthusiastic once things get going. In fact, once things are going, she is far from passive, and she has no problems driving things. We average ten times a week.

That said...I still sometimes find myself having to actively remind and convince myself that her lack of initiation is something other than passive rejection.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Oh yeah...this one is really tough to deal with. My wife is VERY passive when it comes to initiation. Rarely blatantly jumps my bones type of initiation. She has never said no, and is always extremely receptive, and enthusiastic once things get going. In fact, once things are going, she is far from passive, and she has no problems driving things. We average ten times a week.
> 
> That said...I still sometimes find myself having to actively remind and convince myself that her lack of initiation is something other than passive rejection.


Right. At least you can at least hang your hat on her enthusiasm after you initiate. 

I think everyone needs some sign or signal that our partners desire us. It's a common meme for women, but not one as readily discussed of men. The common male meme is that "we're just happy to have a hole to stick it in, regardless", and I think it's horribly incorrect. It's a misunderstanding of the fact that many men, at least early on, get a sense of being sexually desired by her willingness to have sex period. That wasn't enough for me in the long run. Without either initiation or enthusiasm or some sign that she's not just going through the motions... all you're left with is a crushing sense that she's disinterested and a crazy search for what you might be doing wrong.

I guess it's just a matter of living and learning what traits to seek in a mate.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Right. At least you can at least hang your hat on her enthusiasm after you initiate.
> 
> I think everyone needs some sign or signal that our partners desire us. It's a common meme for women, but not one as readily discussed of men. The common male meme is that "we're just happy to have a hole to stick it in, regardless", and I think it's horribly incorrect. It's a misunderstanding of the fact that many men, at least early on, get a sense of being sexually desired by her willingness to have sex period. That wasn't enough for me in the long run. Without either initiation or enthusiasm or some sign that she's not just going through the motions... *all you're left with is a crushing sense that she's disinterested and a crazy search for what you might be doing wrong.*
> 
> I guess it's just a matter of living and learning what traits to seek in a mate.


The sticky wicket here, depending if I am reading you right, that a guy in this position can unknowingly act in ways that decrease desire in that search.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> The sticky wicket here, depending if I am reading you right, that a guy in this position can unknowingly act in ways that decrease desire in that search.


Like vacuuming and doing the dishes, taking care of the kids, giving her massages. Most of the time, all that seems to accomplish is eliminating the excuses to reveal that at the core, she just simply isn't that into you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Like vacuuming and doing the dishes, taking care of the kids, giving her massages. Most of the time, all that seems to accomplish is eliminating the excuses to reveal that at the core, she just simply isn't that into you.


She used to be. What changed?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I don't think the issue of the "passive rejection" via non-initiation is always an indicator that she's not into you. She might just be low-key. Naturally non-demonstrative. Some people are. Doesn't necessarily stop if from feeling like a rejection, but maybe in some cases it can be overcome with communication.

Then again, she might just not be into you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Anonymous07 said:


> Deejo, I think you forget that there are many women who do get repeatedly rejected. There are many women who have higher sex drives than their husbands. I don't have in imagine what rejection is like because I've been rejected enough by my husband.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And my advice for 'what they should do' with a husband who isn't holding up their end is pretty much the same.

They are comfortable with your discomfort. 

That shouldn't be ok.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> The sticky wicket here, depending if I am reading you right, that a guy in this position can unknowingly act in ways that decrease desire in that search.


Absolutely true. But it's kinda one of those "there's no where to go but up" things in a sense. Less desire from no desire is still no desire.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> She used to be. What changed?


That was the rabbit hole I went down. She was never assertive or lusty or anything - she was always a bit coy about it, but I could still sense interest and was good with that. The only thing that changed in my case was kids.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> That was the rabbit hole I went down. She was never assertive or lusty or anything - she was always a bit coy about it, but I could still sense interest and was good with that. The only thing that changed in my case was kids.


Yah kids can do that. But what I would ask every person who finds themselves in this situation, so that they don't again, is would your partner agree? Or are there other unresolved resentments that are out there.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Like vacuuming and doing the dishes, taking care of the kids, giving her massages. Most of the time, all that seems to accomplish is eliminating the excuses to reveal that at the core, she just simply isn't that into you.


I can't speak for all women but, for me, vacuuming and dishes aren't a sex warmup. It's not sexual currency. I've heard many women say that they lose who they are in long-term relationships. They forget that they're sexual women because they get so used to looking at themselves as "chore/responsibility robots". Reminding a woman she's the same hot babe her man fell in love with, would take a man a long way.



Fozzy said:


> I don't think the issue of the "passive rejection" via non-initiation is always an indicator that she's not into you. She might just be low-key. Naturally non-demonstrative. Some people are. Doesn't necessarily stop if from feeling like a rejection, but maybe in some cases it can be overcome with communication.
> 
> Then again, she might just not be into you.


That's a big part of the frustration. I think I have a higher sex drive than Mr. Bam but I have no clue about how to initiate. When I try to, I feel like a goober. I don't know how to seduce. My go-to initiation move is asking Mr. Bam, "Wanna frick-frack?" That's the extent of that hotness.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Wanna frick-frack would be fine for a lot of guys. It might not be elegant, but it IS a signal


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yah kids can do that. But what I would ask every person who finds themselves in this situation, so that they don't again, is would your partner agree? Or are there other unresolved resentments that are out there.


Hard question to answer. TBH, I'm not sure she could answer. And if she did, I think the answer would be a runaround. She didn't think there even was a problem until I went nuts in the final year or so. Time would go by and we'd go through the same song and dance. I have this problem. She sees no problem. Things change for a week or so, and then return to baseline for months. You do that a few times, and then you make the mistake of "leading the problem". "Is there something I'm not doing, or something I can do, that would help you get into things more? Something I can do to increase your sex drive?"

That begins the whack-a-mole process of trying to find and fix something that isn't the problem. More help around the house. More family time. Come to bed earlier. Nothing changes.

Root cause imo: she wasn't the person I thought she was. The image I bought was not the long term image. She was comfortable, had settled into life and the true colors were flying. That person didn't think sex was that important (except as it affirms that I still found her attractive! Oh the irony!), and I should be happy because she'd rarely say no outright.

She had some other issues after mommyhood: being a schedule Nazi, strict routines, hated spontaneity and uncertainty... and a complete inability to pay a compliment (quick to chip at me if I was riding high though). We talked about criticism and compliments in MC. She said paying compliments wasn't something her family did. And that she had body issues after having kids. She started feeling like I was getting more attractive while she was getting less attractive, and she didn't want me to start thinking I was "all that". Her post-baby body issues also had a part in her lack of enthusiasm for sex... but she was contradictory on it. One on hand, it was "don't look at me, don't touch me, I'm ugly"... and on the other it was "have sex with me so I don't feel so ugly". There was even a bizzare "she wasn't into it, so I stopped pursuing" - then she would say "we weren't having sex anymore so I felt even more body conscious and didn't want sex." smh

I don't know. Sometimes it felt like nailing things down was just like a dog chasing it's tail. There was always something and basically I just grew tired of it. Most of this stuff came out in MC - feeling like a billion more scapegoats and excuses, and then it would hit me...

Where was all this bs when I brought up my unhappiness with our sex life repeatedly YEARS earlier? Did you not know you didn't like your body then? 

Still frustrates me to talk about. lol


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Bam85 said:


> That's a big part of the frustration. I think I have a higher sex drive than Mr. Bam but I have no clue about how to initiate. When I try to, I feel like a goober. I don't know how to seduce. My go-to initiation move is asking Mr. Bam, "Wanna frick-frack?" That's the extent of that hotness.


My ex had that problem too. Said she wasn't comfortable with it and didn't know what to say and would feel like an idiot trying to make sexy talk.

My solution was really simple: You don't have to talk. You just come up and start touching. Remove shirt. Remove belt. Undo pants etc. What you want becomes pretty darn clear.

She'd do it like the next day, then never again until I'd again voice the same issue. I think the truth was she didn't want anything. She liked the affirmation of my sexual pursuit of her, but otherwise sex wasn't important to her. It wasn't something she craved, and so it was never sought.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I feel rejection really easily. I've always been _very_ high drive, want it almost every day, even 2-3 times a day. DH is also very high drive, but his job takes a lot out of him mentally, and that exhausts him physically. We don't have sex as much as we used to, and that has taken a bit of a toll on me. I also went through a very emotionally trying two years (personal tragedies) that really gave my sexual drive a beating. And now I'm in school full time, and about to take a position at the college, so my schedule is filled with classes, homework, and work. I don't initiate as much as I used to, and nor does he. 

In the last few months I've found that my sexual drive has increased, and the speed with which I'm aroused has increased as well. One longer-than-usual kiss, and I'm all in, ready to go. Usually he responds in kind and is all on board, but if he's really tired, he'll say no. And it hurts, even though I understand he needs his rest. I guess in my head I'm like, "Look, we've gone without this passionate of a sex life for a couple of years now --- why would you EVER choose to sleep over sex? We've got ground to make up!" lol. 

This actually happened last night. But I'm rectifying the situation by jumping him as soon as he gets home.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Root cause imo: she wasn't the person I thought she was.


****ty. But alas, all to likely to be spot on.


> The image I bought was not the long term image. She was comfortable, had settled into life and the true colors were flying. That person didn't think sex was that important (except as it affirms that I still found her attractive! Oh the irony!), and I should be happy because she'd rarely say no outright.
> 
> She had some other issues after mommyhood: being a schedule Nazi, strict routines, hated spontaneity and uncertainty... and a complete inability to pay a compliment (quick to chip at me if I was riding high though). We talked about criticism and compliments in MC. She said paying compliments wasn't something her family did.


Just got out of a bout of REALLY helpful therapy about how what your family of origin did does not need to define you.



> And that she had body issues after having kids. She started feeling like I was getting more attractive while she was getting less attractive, and she didn't want me to start thinking I was "all that". Her post-baby body issues also had a part in her lack of enthusiasm for sex... but she was contradictory on it. One on hand, it was "don't look at me, don't touch me, I'm ugly"... and on the other it was "have sex with me so I don't feel so ugly". There was even a bizzare "she wasn't into it, so I stopped pursuing" - "we weren't having sex anymore so I felt even more body conscious and didn't want sex."
> 
> I don't know. Sometimes it felt like nailing things down was just like a dog chasing it's tail. There was always something and basically I just grew tired of it. Most of this stuff came out in MC - feeling like a billion more scapegoats and excuses, and then it would hit me...
> 
> ...


Seems that you are happier now. Right? That is good.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Oh yeah. Things are great now. Except for missing certain things about having kids in the house every day and certain routines you oddly get attached to.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I've never understood why doing dishes, or getting laundry done, or doing other house chores would make a woman sexually desire her husband more. I always appreciate my husband's help around the house, but it has never once made me hot and heavy for him. Nor has a messy house with the sink piled high with dirty dishes and dirty clothes strewn about the floor and a stinky litter box ever deterred me from having sex with him. 

My emotional need isn't Acts of Service though, so perhaps that's why I don't get it...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> I've never understood why doing dishes, or getting laundry done, or doing other house chores would make a woman sexually desire her husband more. I always appreciate my husband's help around the house, but it has never once made me hot and heavy for him. Nor has a messy house with the sink piled high with dirty dishes and dirty clothes strewn about the floor and a stinky litter box ever deterred me from having sex with him.
> 
> My emotional need isn't Acts of Service though, so perhaps that's why I don't get it...


The conversation over the course of the years goes something like:

H: We never have sex. Why don't we ever have sex.
W: I am exhausted, I do all the housework. Either any comments about building resentment are ignored or W fails to mention it or even realize it herself.

H takes away that she needs more housework "help" and that will equal more sex. But by then and in the absence of real partnership, AND with the frequent covert contract balogna going on, he has no idea that she is losing attraction to him.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Hm. Fascinating. *insert Spock-eyebrow-raise*


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I've never understood why doing dishes, or getting laundry done, or doing other house chores would make a woman sexually desire her husband more. I always appreciate my husband's help around the house, but it has never once made me hot and heavy for him. Nor has a messy house with the sink piled high with dirty dishes and dirty clothes strewn about the floor and a stinky litter box ever deterred me from having sex with him.
> 
> My emotional need isn't Acts of Service though, so perhaps that's why I don't get it...


I think the idea isn't that doing the dishes will increase her desire, but rather that not doing the dishes may be a source of resentment or sourness inhibiting her desire. So, as the thinking goes, if I do these things she doesn't have these issues that could potentially be getting in the way of sexual desire.

I think its usually based on the fact that she used to appear to have greater desire, and this is assumed to be the "normal" state... so something else must be interfering.

I consider myself a fairly bright guy and I still fell into the trap.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> I've never understood why doing dishes, or getting laundry done, or doing other house chores would make a woman sexually desire her husband more. I always appreciate my husband's help around the house, but it has never once made me hot and heavy for him. Nor has a messy house with the sink piled high with dirty dishes and dirty clothes strewn about the floor and a stinky litter box ever deterred me from having sex with him.
> 
> My emotional need isn't Acts of Service though, so perhaps that's why I don't get it...


Those things Do ZILCH for me & like yourself.. I am not an Acts of Service type .... When my H told me years ago he read some stupid article on the net ...how to get me more in the mood and it spoke of doing my dishes & such.. I literally laughed at him.. I was even a little annoyed.. thinking "DA** it.. that was the last sort of article to read in dealing with me!!"...telling him he was way off..

He needed to turn up the erotic heat darn it.. touching, flirting, some teasing ... not pushing the Hoover around ! that's so boring.. That's the problem reading random articles if it doesn't encompass variety of ways -given the woman you are dealing with..


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think the idea isn't that doing the dishes will increase her desire, but rather that not doing the dishes may be a source of resentment or sourness inhibiting her desire. So, as the thinking goes, if I do these things she doesn't have these issues that could potentially be getting in the way of sexual desire.


Makes sense. 



> I think its usually based on the fact that she used to appear to have greater desire, and this is assumed to be the "normal" state... so something else must be interfering.
> 
> I consider myself a fairly bright guy and I still fell into the trap.


I guess it baffles me cause I'm not that way. Can't relate at all.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Those things Do ZILCH for me & like yourself.. I am not an Acts of Service type .... When my H told me years ago he read some stupid article on the net ...how to get me more in the mood and it spoke of doing my dishes & such.. I literally laughed at him.. I was even a little annoyed.. thinking "DA** it.. that was the last sort of article to read in dealing with me!!"...telling him he was way off..
> 
> *He needed to turn up the erotic heat darn it.. touching, flirting, some teasing ... not pushing the Hoover around ! that's so boring.. That's the problem reading random articles if it doesn't encompass variety of ways -given the woman you are dealing with..*


Me too. I'm more likely to unplug the vacuum and have sex on the dirty floor.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think the idea isn't that doing the dishes will increase her desire, but rather that not doing the dishes may be a source of resentment or sourness inhibiting her desire. So, as the thinking goes, if I do these things she doesn't have these issues that could potentially be getting in the way of sexual desire.
> 
> I think its usually based on the fact that she used to appear to have greater desire, and this is assumed to be the "normal" state... so something else must be interfering.
> 
> I consider myself a fairly bright guy and I still fell into the trap.


:iagree:

I've had this conversation with my wife as well. When I've asked what I can do to help get her more interested in improving our sexual relationship, she immediately chirped back with "more housework". I pushed back on this, because I really just don't believe that the sound of a running dishwasher makes anyone randy. After several go-rounds of this conversation, she finally admitted that it's more of removing ONE of the stumbling blocks to desire, rather than a key to increasing desire.

So you can do as many dishes as you like, but unless that's the ONLY issue (and it never is) it's not really going to have the effect you want.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Me too. I'm more likely to unplug the vacuum and have sex on the dirty floor.


I like a clean house. I hate messy floors, sinks full of dishes, weeds in the back yard, etc.

But like you--it would never stop me.

Priorities.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I've had this conversation with my wife as well. When I've asked what I can do to help get her more interested in improving our sexual relationship, she immediately chirped back with "more housework". I pushed back on this, because I really just don't believe that the sound of a running dishwasher makes anyone randy. After several go-rounds of this conversation, she finally admitted that it's more of removing ONE of the stumbling blocks to desire, rather than a key to increasing desire.
> 
> So you can do as many dishes as you like, but unless that's the ONLY issue (and it never is) it's not really going to have the effect you want.


*nod* Makes more sense. 

I still can't relate...if there's a stumbling block between me and sexual desire, I openly discuss it and bring it up. To a fault, even. I've had to learn that there's a such thing as _too much_ openness and honesty, and that sometimes I overwhelm my husband and have to give him time to digest what I've told him is an issue for me. Otherwise it just serves to beat him over the head. 

Unfortunately, I have a ways to go to learning that lesson. lol.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Oh, I hate a dirty house. Specifically a dirty kitchen. I like being able to cook in a sanitary environment. But I'd choose sex over chores every day of the week. I'd choose sex over most things, really.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> After several go-rounds of this conversation, she finally admitted that it's more of removing ONE of the stumbling blocks to desire, rather than a key to increasing desire.
> 
> So you can do as many dishes as you like, but unless that's the ONLY issue (and it never is) it's not really going to have the effect you want.


Exactly. There's also the underlying assumption. That the change in desire was a change from "normal" to "reduced".

The actual change might have been from "elevated" to "normal", for that person. Very hard to figure out since there's just so many things involved. But I think this was most of the case for my ex. I mean, how many people eagerly admit they have a low sex drive? I'm sure she had a few legitimate issues, but I think the "lower sex drive" state was probably her default/normal state.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Oh, I hate a dirty house. Specifically a dirty kitchen. I like being able to cook in a sanitary environment. But I'd choose sex over chores every day of the week. I'd choose sex over most things, really.


It's not really choosing one over the other. I think most people would choose sex over chores. Sign me up for that plan!

His not doing chores might eventually irritate you. Over time, that irritation morphs into *he irritates you*. So it becomes a matter of not wanting to having sex with someone who irritates you.

A single grain of sand weighs almost nothing. Get enough grains of sand and the story changes.

On the other hand, it's really a double whammy. The irritation of one thing drives the neglect of another thing that improves connection. So it's like throwing out the good because of the bad. "I hate that you bite your nails, so I don't want to hear any more of those stories I love to hear." Kinda weird. Instead of -1 and + 1, you have -1 and -1.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> It's not really choosing one over the other. I think most people would choose sex over chores. Sign me up for that plan!
> 
> His not doing chores might eventually irritate you. Over time, that irritation morphs into *he irritates you*. So it becomes a matter of not wanting to having sex with someone who irritates you.


Bingo. 


> A single grain of sand weighs almost nothing. Get enough grains of sand and the story changes.
> 
> On the other hand, it's really a double whammy. The irritation of one thing drives the neglect of another thing that improves connection.


yes. And no. It MIGHT generate a feeling of connection for you. But if she is doing it FOR you out of duty despite irritation, then it will likely just cause more irritation and resentment.



> So it's like throwing out the good because of the bad. "I hate that you bite your nails, so I don't want to hear any more of those stories I love to hear." Kinda weird. Instead of -1 and + 1, you have -1 and -1.


This is the thing that a lot of guys don't get. When you are resentful of your spouse, it usually ISN'T good for her. I mean in your case, it sounds like a pretty one sided thing. You had to do what she wanted, when she wanted and were not allowed to be you at all. And then you were criticized for not being you anymore! You would not have one regardless of what you did.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> It's not really choosing one over the other. I think most people would choose sex over chores. Sign me up for that plan!
> 
> His not doing chores might eventually irritate you. Over time, that irritation morphs into *he irritates you*. So it becomes a matter of not wanting to having sex with someone who irritates you.
> 
> A single grain of sand weighs almost nothing. Get enough grains of sand and the story changes.


Also makes sense. And it does irritate me that he doesn't always do chores when he says he will. Or when I ask him to do a big load of dishes, and instead he stuffs the biggest dishes into the dishwasher, meaning that only four or five things get washed.  Not what I meant by "big load". rofl. I try not to let it get to me, though. It's really a very small issue and need not irritate me. I can, just as easily, do a load of dishes to make up for it before sitting down and watching Blue Bloods. Besides, if he's going to dedicate his time and attention to something, I'd much rather it be me anyway. 



> On the other hand, it's really a double whammy. The irritation of one thing drives the neglect of another thing that improves connection. So it's like throwing out the good because of the bad. "I hate that you bite your nails, so I don't want to hear any more of those stories I love to hear." Kinda weird. Instead of -1 and + 1, you have -1 and -1.


Definitely can see that. It's one reason I try not to let the little things get to me, or let them go from being little things to be much bigger things. (I don't always succeed at this, admittedly.) I don't want him so overwhelmed that his time at home is spent away from me doing the chores he thinks I want him to do, when really I just want him next to me and naked. I would take that as rejection, he would take it as meeting something I've outlined as a need.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Paper plates and plastic forks.

Costco is your friend.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> Paper plates and plastic forks.
> 
> Costco is your friend.


Rofl. I have brought this up to my husband more times than I can count, and seriously meant it. I think he's always thought I was kidding. lol. 

He works within two minutes of a Costco, too.


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

I am glad to see I am not the only woman who has a very high sex drive who often gets rejected. I have always been this way and there was a time when my husband had a high drive but in the last few years rejection and begging have been a regular for me. He would rather spend more time downstairs on his computer playing games , looking through Sport pages and FB then to come upstairs to be with a voluptuous red head . When he does come upstairs it's late and he has to get up early in the morning for work. They just don't realize how hurtful the constant rejection is and how it pushes us further and further away from them and don't consider or I guess care that this often is the cause of affairs .


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

There are levels, and yet more sublevels, to each of these questions. Such as:
1.)	What does “feel rejected” mean? In the tiniest way, or in a demeaning way, or some other way?
2.)	What does “give up” mean? Stop initiating? Look for a way out of the relationship? Stop caring? 
3.)	What is a “little thing”? 

I would say I am both difficult to make feel rejected, and yet extremely easy. Much of it depends on my mood, the circumstances of the rejection, and the rejection “history” if you will. All made the more interesting by the quite certain fact that my wife would probably be much like you and other women on here and say that she has never rejected me. When she has, quite often in some cases. Quite blatantly in other cases. 

As other posters have alluded to, rejection can take many forms, and often times a phrase or comment about not feeling well can easily be taken as a rejection. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m the first to admit that this is not a “clear rejection” and the spouse might have been more than comfortable with an intimate encounter. There is no “fault” in such circumstances. However – it still “feels” like a rejection. Chronically rejected men might also say they’ve “been down that road so many times” that it is in fact a real rejection. 

“Giving up” is a hard one to tackle. In the past I have frequently “given up” and stopped initiating any intimacy with my wife. To her everlasting credit none of these times (to my recollection) has ever lasted longer than a few days (our longest “dry spell” to my knowledge being about a week). 

Sometimes I “give up” without being rejected, just to masochistically see how long before she will instigate something. Other times I might be rejected numerous times, but in such a way that they don’t “feel” bad, so I’ll charge right along. 

I can honestly say that I don’t think I have “reacted” negatively to being rejected just once. As mentioned by someone else, it is a pattern. A push away from an embrace. A forcefully terminated “peck” kiss. Faces made while trying to kiss or touch. “Busy-ness”. Surprisingly never the “headache” line – but I do have a pretty darn smart cookie on my hands. 

I can also honestly say that some of my worst feelings of rejection have occurred DURING sex.

All this to say that I haven’t lost one iota of desire for my wife, or more annoyingly have probably GAINED a bit of attraction to her. As such, I haven’t “given up” on anything permanently, so I can’t answer to that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My perspective?

There's two buckets of reasons for saying "no."

Bucket 1 is real stuff. Chores may or may not fall into this sometimes. But, probably not as much as one might think.

Bucket 2 is the stuff that gets made up to rationalize after they've already decided it's "no." No, because... the dishes. The bills. I have a headache. Etc.

The key is to sort out the two buckets. Help with bucket #1. Don't chase bucket #2 -- you'll never turn a "no" into a "yes" by getting these done. They will just get frustrated because they still don't wan't to have sex with you, and come up with another reason, and maybe even feel guilty about that.

The reason bucket #2 exists has more to do with attraction, initiating properly, and all that kind of stuff.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> yes. And no. It MIGHT generate a feeling of connection for you. But if she is doing it FOR you out of duty despite irritation, then it will likely just cause more irritation and resentment.


I get what you're saying. I look at it this way. A resentment has a starting place... a single grain of sand that didn't really matter.

So in the beginning, the undesirable activity is a +0 for the relationship. The sexual activity is a +1.

Over time, those grains of sand add up.... turning the +0 into a -1. For some reason, that -1 is allowed to propagate. Sex becomes a -1.

To my thinking, this is maladaptive behavior. Deal with the primary issue: the original grains of sand. Don't take away what were formerly connection building activities because of some other connection breaking activity. If you do, you eventually have nothing left... and now the heavy pile of sand that built up over one relatively minor thing, is only one small pile of sand in a desert. And both people are sitting there trying to figure out where all this sand came from - by that point, it's damn near impossible.

I think its important to compartmentalize this a little bit. Is it worth dragging my marriage into a long slow death because it annoys me that they don't do chores as quickly as I would do them? If things are such that you don't want to have sex with your spouse over whatever your resentments are after trying and failing to have them addressed, I'm inclined to think you have a duty to leave the marriage. Because the end of the marriage is all but inevitable as more and more sand adds to the desert from an ever increasing set of sources.

At least, this is one of the things I've taken away from my experience.


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