# He's Doing Marriage Max--and it Feels Futile..Help?



## ZoeH (Jul 20, 2011)

I have no idea what to say at this point. Let me start at the beginning and hope that someone will shed light on this. This is a long posting, but there is no way of shortening this. Please bear with me.

Seven years ago, after a courtship of three years, I finally picked up stakes to move to Canada to marry. I left my job, home, everything. I had spent three to four months intervals with my fiance over the three years quite a few times as my work allowed this and I just tele-commuted. I had dragged my feet in moving to Toronto because I had worked so hard to get myself back on my feet after a divorce (15 years prior). I was reluctant to depend totally on a man again, because of work visas, etc. But my fiance assured me that "all would be okay". As I was getting ready to finally be with him, things started to fall apart. I started to get small hints that he had possibly been cheating. I wasn't sure. It was as if as soon as I said, "Okay, I'm coming," something started to unravel. He admitted that he had been seeing some woman at his work. I was devastated. However, he came to Ohio to see me and we had some sessions with a therapist and things seemed to be okay. He said that he had finished this "affair" which never went to the "physical" (he said) and that he was ready for me to come. I felt assured. I had done what I could, gone to therapy, etc. We were to be married soon after I arrived.

As soon as I got to his home, it was as if the roof had caved in. He was not the man that I had fallen in love with. It's as if my coming to finally be with him, gave him carte blanche to unleash every horrible thing that the had ever felt toward every person who had ever treated him badly. I found out that he had not finished off this "affair" and confronted the woman (politely mind you as I am not someone who thrives on conflict) and apparently he had told her I was just "coming to visit". Never mind that I had packed up lock, stock and barrel to join him. When I uncovered this, he turned on me as if I had done something wrong. I thought I was in a nightmare. He (once again) said he was breaking it off and he did. Still, he calmed down and said, "Let's just get married like we were supposed to." And, I did. I married him. I thought that whatever crazies he was experiencing was temporary insanity.

It was not. He started to physically, mentally and verbally abuse me. He withheld money, he withheld sex (if I attempted to even ask if we could make love, he would scream at me and tell me "No, we have sex only when you behave nicely and don't ask questions." These questions were usually, "Why are you doing this to me?" That was enough for him to decide to withhold love, sex, money whatever he could. He became controlling and manipulative. During this time, I became even more and more dependent on him, I lost my sense of self and self-esteem and I began to become even more of a recluse. He would never pay a compliment or even bother to acknowledge I was alive. He also stopped seeing his friends (mostly because they would know something was wrong). Nothing was ever put in my name. My bank account has his name on it, the house and even the car I drive are all in his name. I continued to be "the dutiful wife" and one day I landed in the hospital with a concussion. After that, I started to stand up for myself. When he called me "ugly b***" I would look him in the eye and say, "That's not what I am." I would repeat what he said, but it is too uncouth to even write. Then, one night, while on the computer a series of images popped up on the computer. They were nude photos of one woman. I won't say what else came up, but I was able to see that he had had an affair with a prostitute in Indonesia. She had attempted to extort money from him. (He had kept records of their emails.) Now, he never has allowed me to see any phone bills, any emails, nothing (ever) and yet he sees everything I buy and everyone I call. Everything has been a huge secret all of our marriage. The idea that I even was able to see this file while I was looking for a photo I took was a real miracle from God. I confronted him, he tried to deny it, but I had it all printed out for him to see. There was no place to hide. He started again to blame me somehow and he screamed every obscenity possible. I held my ground. And I made the decision in that moment that I would not be a doormat anymore. 

I stayed because at that point, I had no where to go, no money (I had gone through my savings as he gave me little money to live on though he earns a huge salary), and I was deeply embarrassed that a woman who was educated and thoughtful found herself in such a gory situation. He also started to lose a series of jobs after this and I still felt it was my "duty" to help him through all this. He stopped the physical abuse, but continued to verbally abuse me and emotionally abuse me. But he let up on me a little bit. He still would not have sex with me (I don't get this at all...I am very attractive and present myself well.) Because of this support, he managed to become the vice-president of a company based in France. He was moved to France and I stayed in Canada. He now wants me to move to France to be with him and he begged me to tell him "what could he do" to make things right? In desperation, I told him that I was tired of doing all the work to save the marriage and that he had to take Mort Fertel's course (on his own) to show that he was serious about us and not just business. (His whole life is business and money, not relationships or marriage.) He says he is doing the Marriage Max course. I was floored that he took the incentive to do this and I felt hopeful. He said he had been doing it for six weeks. He said he wants to "do the right thing."

He came to visit me, first visit since starting the course.....and nothing has changed. He is still verbally abusing me, screaming obscenities and this time, I haven't even gotten a hug much less any sense of intimate exchange (and certainly not sex...we have gone years without sex...and it has been that way as soon as we got married. He wouldn't even have sex with me on the night of our marriage.) 

He is drinking every night and I suspect that he is having another affair with someone in France. (It would be a repeat again of the same thing...I moved here and he was having an affair here. He wants me to move there and while I am here waiting to decide what to do , he is having an affair there. I may be wrong, but it's just what I think might be happening.) I hope I'm wrong.

I've only skimmed the details...the amount of things he has done to me are so many, I don't even know where to begin. I just wonder if a course like Marriage Max helps men who are so deeply entrenched in lies and psychological manipulation? (I don't mean this as a criticism of the course). After reading part of Mr Fertel's book, I think that it is really for couples that might have forgotten how to communicate...and or perhaps been unfaithful (maybe). But when you add other psychological underpinnings, I am not sure. What I am witnessing is a man who is taking the course, and feels entitled somehow to continue to abuse me more. That's what I don't understand at all. The only sane thought I had was...perhaps now that the course is making one look at oneself, he is fighting back with all his might to stay unconscious and stuck in his need to be right. (I am not taking the course myself.) I just know that I feel really raw now. We have argued every day that he has been here. He is treating me as badly as when we were at our worst. I don't get this at all. I have asked him, "Surely the course is teaching you something about communicating...in a good way...?" He has always enjoyed going to bed angry, I never have. He's gone to bed angry despite my overtures to "please let's say some nice things to each other" and he says, "No, go away and leave me alone." So I do. I am even sleeping in a different bedroom. I feel like a scullery maid.

I am attempting to find help for myself (psychological) because he continues to tell me that everything is "my fault" and that I am "no good"..."if you were worth sleeping with I would sleep with you". Is this in the Marriage Max manual? (I hope not.) Has anyone been through this sort of thing? Anyone?

I realize that he fits the profile of a narcissist. Not a narcissistic person...but someone with narcissistic personality disorder. 

I realize that I am probably the crazy one for staying. I just am glad no children are involved and pray to God every day to get stronger so that I can just begin to heal myself so I can have the ability to think things through without being in fear all the time. 

I beg you not to judge me harshly...please. I am absolutely cried out of tears...and utterly exhausted. I was hoping that this course would work some miracles. Maybe you need to have someone who really wants to make it work....and somehow I don't think he does. Not really.

Thank you for reading.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

No course will ever fix a man like that. I would say he will be abusive untill the day he dies to who ever he is with.

The things he has done to you are terrible.

I just hope you start on your your new life now rather then later. Stop waiting to have the marriage you dreamed you would with him, because it will never ever happen.

You deserve so so much better and you can move on and make a new life and when you do you will be so angry at your self for having waited so long.


----------



## lebogang (Jul 19, 2011)

Have there been any good times in your marriage? What attracted you to him before?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What difference does it make if he's "taking a course", if his behavior isn't changing? People can read whatever books they like, but that doesn't mean their behavior will change if they don't implement what they learn. Of course the person has to want to make it work! And your husband doesn't care about that.

Personally, I think you should have left long ago, right after the physical and emotional abuse started. His current behavior doesn't make things any better. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Oh where to start on this? I suppose with the bottom-line, right? You know this, but it doesn't sound like you're seeing how it all trickles down....

Your husband is an abuser. Plain and simple. You say that several times yourself.

What that equates to is that everything he does boils down to his need for power and control over you. Whether he establishes it through physical assault, belittling you with words, restricting your social life, your access to money, your self-esteem....he does it all out of a need for power and control. 

And that need is so great that there is no way you can possibly fill it. You can do everything he says he wants on Monday, and then on Tuesday, the game is switched. The best example you gave was with sex--you'll get it if you're "nice"? What is "nice"? How do you know if you're doing it? Didn't mention that, did he?

His abuse is the problem in your marriage. That's the issue that has to be resolved. However, he has to acknowledge that he's an abuser and work an intensive recovery program to change that. Sure he might have some personality disorder too....but that doesn't really matter either if he's not willing to admit it and address it.

Trying to improve communication, address infidelity, couples counseling, etc. really won't do anything because they're only symptoms. And actually, if you think about it, he's a pretty dang effective communicator--he's been using all the right words to reel you in, break you down and keep you there for almost a decade! His infidelities are a classic show of his power--he doesn't have to follow the rules. He can sleep with whoever he wants and you can't. If you find out, it's almost all the better because it's one more thing to poke at you with. 

Truly, your best bet is to use this time while he's overseas to actively work on making yourself stronger. Prayer never hurts, but action is what's needed in the end. Find a domestic violence agency and learn about the resources available to you, they often have great support systems there--even if you aren't ready to leave yet. It has to be incredibly lonely to be in a new country and have all of this going on, and I'm sure he's told you all kinds of things about what you_ can't _ do to get away from him. But he's most likely not invested in telling you the truth. So go find the people that understand where you're at and can help build you up and make you strong--who've been there and done that. They're out there, I promise.

Here's a link for some general resources in Canada, if that helps get things started:
International DV Resources

And some good information about domestic violence in general:
DV General Info

Take care--


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_*He came to visit me, first visit since starting the course.....and nothing has changed.* He is still verbally abusing me, screaming obscenities and this time, I haven't even gotten a hug much less any sense of intimate exchange _

He will never change without actually wanting to and committing to making a change.

He has showed you over and over he only does a temporary fix and thent he problem returns.

Abusers get worse over time. He is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He does this because he is very insecure and takes that out on you. It's not your fault. 

My advice is to leave him once and for all. You can't fix him. You can't make him see things the way you do or make him respect/love you. The way he treats you is not with love or respect. 

Never underestimate an abuser. I would plan leaving him and do it quietly. Abusers can totally lose it when you leave.

Get into therapy to find out why you are attracted to him and why you were in the beginning so you don't repeat this again in the future. You will need to heal yourself after so much mistreatment and abuse.

Get a divorce and never look back. 

Good luck.


----------

