# My apathy is killing our marriage?



## shad (May 13, 2012)

So where do I start...Our 3rd anniversary is just days away, and our marriage is quickly falling apart before our very eyes. We met 6 years ago and for the most part, our relationship has been healthy. We'd hardly ever fight, we would compromise on most things, and we were best friends. I'm in military, and my most current duty station has thankfully kept me in one spot for the last 3 years. The work is grueling though, rotating shifts and long hours haven't helped our situation.

Lately when we argue (it's more one way than anything else), she tells me the problems we're having are my fault. And maybe it's the apathy in me, but I can see where she is coming from. I yanked her from her friends and family and familiarity when we moved to my new station. I chose the house we bought (which she didn't like). I waived off her concerns about a rickety stair case in the house that she later fell down and broke both of her legs. I (somewhat) blamed her for failing to make weight standards. On top of that we have a 19 month old daughter who is a handful, we're always tight on money, and we're looking to sell our house now so we aren't holding on to it when I get out of the military in 10 months. 

We've both been miserable for the last few months. She told me not to worry about getting her anything for Mother's day (today) and our annivesary (Wednesday) because she says I obviously don't love her. But I DO love her. I've always been inadequate in expressing emotion or communicating - when ever we argue I pretty much just sit there and take it, and then she gets more angry that I'm not saying anything. Today she flat out told me I should have just cheated on her, because it would have been easier to deal with. Ouch. I don't drink or do drugs. I'm not violent (I barely even raise my voice).

So basically I made a lot of mistakes earlier in our marriage, combined with my apathy is not helping our relationship. Has anyone else gone through something like this? 

I know what I typed is anything but a complete story, so if you have questions, please ask. I need advice!


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

You just openly admitted that you agree that you caused some of your marital problems. You can start by genuinely apologizing to her for those things that you have put her through. 

It sounds like what frustrates her the most is when she does come to you and tell you how she is feeling, you don't really say much or empathize with her feelings. This is extremely frustrating for a woman, because it appears as if you don't care, even if you do.

You should try to work on your communication skills. You don't want her to start resenting you more and more. This will eventually push her over the top. She sounds like a great woman because she went along with some of the things that you chose for the both of you, such as the house, when really both people should be making those decisions together and both people should be happy with the decision. 

Maybe you can do something creative for her for Mother's Day, something that shows a lot of emotion, not your typical flowers and chocolates. Write her a letter or poem, showing your appreciation. It seems that it may be difficult for you to vocalize your feelings, yet you were able to be very open and specific on this post. Do little things for her that you would not normally do to show that she is appreciated. Make the effort if you love her, or else things can potentially get worse. Now is the chance before it's too late.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm confused. You just told us what the problem is so you obviously recognize it. Once you have identified the problem then you know what you need to do to fix it so what are you waiting for. If you love her and want to keep her then fix it boy!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's more complicated that you state.

What was her childhood like?



shad said:


> So where do I start...Our 3rd anniversary is just days away, and our marriage is quickly falling apart before our very eyes. We met 6 years ago and for the most part, our relationship has been healthy. We'd hardly ever fight, we would compromise on most things, and we were best friends. I'm in military, and my most current duty station has thankfully kept me in one spot for the last 3 years. The work is grueling though, rotating shifts and long hours haven't helped our situation.
> 
> Lately when we argue (it's more one way than anything else), she tells me the problems we're having are my fault. And maybe it's the apathy in me, but I can see where she is coming from. I yanked her from her friends and family and familiarity when we moved to my new station. I chose the house we bought (which she didn't like). I waived off her concerns about a rickety stair case in the house that she later fell down and broke both of her legs. I (somewhat) blamed her for failing to make weight standards. On top of that we have a 19 month old daughter who is a handful, we're always tight on money, and we're looking to sell our house now so we aren't holding on to it when I get out of the military in 10 months.
> 
> ...


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## shad (May 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's more complicated that you state.
> 
> What was her childhood like?


Pretty messed up. Both her parents were alcoholics and drug abusers. Her mother left when she was about 9 and became a lesbian. She told me she was abused by baby sitters at one point. She was raised by her father for the most part who was both strict and apathetic at the same time. 

Before we got married she flat out told me she hadn't gotten married yet because she didn't want to end up like her parents. I think her fears are unfounded as neither of us are drug or alcohol abusers. She also doesn't like the fact that I've brought up that we each have roles in our relationship. She's gotten pretty mad when I suggested it's my (the man's) job to be the provider, and it's her job to take care of domestic issues. Maybe she has a right to be angry about that statement, but I am the sole income provider and my working hours don't really facilitate me to be a Mr. Mom. Maybe I'm stuck in a 1960's ideal of the nuclear family...I dunno.


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

"Today she flat out told me I should have just cheated on her, because it would have been easier to deal with. Ouch."

looks like she too loves you very much.

Can I say, its her anxiety/insecutiry about losing you? Is it that 
she knows she is emotionally very much dependent on you and is 
afraid about it - in case you desert her.....

We don't know-- what emotional crap these ladies go through !

Just love her, show/ express your love and assure your comany. That's all she needs. (I think) :scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For starters, no man ever gets anywhere good by buying a home without involving his wife. Secondly, when your wife points out potential safety problems, fix them! Murphy's law holds that if something can go wrong it will. If your wife mentions something more than a couple of times and you disregard her, bad crap will inevitably result and you will surely be blamed. Above all, if you ever hope to have peace on this earth, you NEVER accuse your wife of failing to meet weight standards. Three things a wife never wants to hear from her husband and a husband says them at his own peril.. The "c" word, the "b" word, and "fat". If men could learn and avoid those three words, many domestic assaults and homicides could be avoided.


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## shad (May 13, 2012)

Update: I passed my weigh in, with help from my wife. I basically crash dieted for about a week and was able to make weight by about a half pound. Close, but I passed!

Now for the not so good news. My mom is here visiting (she lives across the country) and it's putting a lot of stress on my wife. In my opinion, my mom isn't the type to cause conflict or anything like that. Maybe I'm being partial to her because she's my mom and I grew up with her. For instance one of the first things my mom did when she got here was to start working outside on our landscaping. That's always been her thing - but my wife took it as an offense to our (lack of) landscaping. She becomes easily offended...

There are at least 3 other examples I can think of where my mom (unintentionally) offended my wife. And I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I listened to my wife's complaints about my mom for about 30 minutes this morning, and afterwards I told her I'm sorry they are coming into conflict. This lit her up like a top and told me I wasn't being supportive enough. She once again told me she doesn't see our relationship lasting. Ugh... Just when I thought we were doing better...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

shad said:


> Update: I passed my weigh in, with help from my wife. I basically crash dieted for about a week and was able to make weight by about a half pound. Close, but I passed!
> 
> Now for the not so good news. My mom is here visiting (she lives across the country) and it's putting a lot of stress on my wife. In my opinion, my mom isn't the type to cause conflict or anything like that. Maybe I'm being partial to her because she's my mom and I grew up with her. * For instance one of the first things my mom did when she got here was to start working outside on our landscaping. That's always been her thing - but my wife took it as an offense to our (lack of) landscaping. She becomes easily offended...*
> There are at least 3 other examples I can think of where my mom (unintentionally) offended my wife. And I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I listened to my wife's complaints about my mom for about 30 minutes this morning, and afterwards I told her I'm sorry they are coming into conflict. This lit her up like a top and told me I wasn't being supportive enough. She once again told me she doesn't see our relationship lasting. Ugh... Just when I thought we were doing better...


I would have been offended if my MIL showed up at MY house & started doing my landscaping without first discussing it with me. Your mother is oversteeping her boundaries, boundaries that YOU need to lay down as her son. This is your home with your wife, your mom is only a visitor, family or not, the onus is on you to make sure your wife doesn't feel overwhelmed in her own home. 

I can certainly relate to your wife, I feel conflict with my inlaws as well.
Last year when my husband was commissioned, my MIL & FIL came out to our house for almost two weeks without first asking us if it was okay to come for that long. It was very stressful having them in our home all that time, even my husband, who rarely says anything to his parents finally had a enough & had a "Come to Jesus" talk with them. My MIL & FIL have issues with boundaries & just assume that since they're family that they can overstep those boundaries. It's only by telling them what WE find acceptable can we alleviate further conflict. I just hope they remember our boundaries for my husband's redeployment & don't show up his first day home.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Hey when you wife is telling you how she feels and you just sit there and not say anything that is called stuffing. You need to first express back what she said and let her know that you heard her. like.

When I do ---- you feel like ------. I am sorry and would like to better our realationship since I value you and love you very much.

And if you can think of anything to say give her a hug. That will go a long way.


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