# Depressed wife wants to move and I feel trapped because of an aging parent



## Chi88 (3 mo ago)

Thank you for the responses


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Chi88 said:


> My wife and I are stuck at an impasse which is currently on where we want to live and raise a child, but has some deep roots that have been difficult to repair. We have been living near my parents for 7 years as they are much older than hers and my dad was suffering from dementia. He passed 3 years back but we have remained here to help keep an eye on my mom who is in her mid 70s and lives alone. My sister also lives in the area but beyond that I don't have much family around, and several of our friends have moved away leaving us feeling a bit isolated. My wife is not fond of my mom or sister which makes the situation much more difficult, as she feels much more isolated than I do. The initial issue I believe is rooted in that my sister did not approve of my wife and I getting engaged and while she never said anything to my wife, she spoke down to me about it and I'm positive spoke negatively about it to my mom. My sister has always been difficult to handle and thinks she knows better than others. She is often harsh when sharing her opinions which my mom has a difficult time dealing with, always giving her the benefit of the doubt and just going with what she says to avoid confrontation. When my wife and I announced our engagement to my mom (4 years ago), her initial reaction was more about fearing my sisters reaction to our engagement than celebrating the moment. This with a few other instances of favor towards my sister, made my wife feel understandably unwelcomed to my family and has sown a deep resentment towards my family. I've talked about it with my mom and she has acknowledged that the way she reacted was wrong and has tried to patch things up with my wife, but years later my wife is still resistant to any attempts to repair the relationship. I do know that my mom is still fond of my wife and that she fully supported our marriage, she's one of those people that doesn't have a mean bone in her body, but sometimes doesn't think before she speaks and doesn't realize how things can come off sometimes. I am not expecting that relationship to be perfect, that the past can just be brushed off, or excusing my mom when she says things that are inappropriate (rarely happens but on occasion she'll say little things that my wife does not like), but understanding that my wife's reasoning for disliking my mom to such an extent is not based on my mom's true feelings and more based on saying the wrong things at the wrong time and the refusal to work on a repaired relationship is hard for me to handle, and has caused a lot of strain on our relationship.
> 
> We've been married for 3 years now and I've tried to support my wife throughout this, by letting her dictate how frequently she sees my family, giving her every out if I need to see them. If my mom makes comments that aren't the best I talk to her about it to straighten things out to stand up for my wife. On a normal day to day basis, everything is fine. My wife spent some time with me at my moms house for the first time in months this last weekend, and everything went seemingly well which it often does when we get together. But it never changes the underlining feeling my wife has towards my mom.
> 
> ...


So just going to throw a few things out there.

1. You don't have kids divorce is ok. Not ideal but ok.
2. It seems like the only thing stopping you from moving is your desire to support your mom. But you say your mom won't move.
That tells me you are more desiring to help your mom than she is of receiving it. This is a problem you can't take responsibility for someone who doesn't want you to. If she does want you to help and take responsiblity she should be willing to move.

3. There are some very nice independent living homes as well. I know it took us a while to get my MIL into one near the end of her life and she loved it. She made friends she had an active live much more than us just watching over her.

4. There is little worse for a relationship than a family who doesn't welcome a spouse. Your mom may have regretted her reaction but it was an honest one. She cared more about your sister's reaction who isn't involved in you marrying someone (or shouldn't be) than just being happy for you two. Further while your mom may not have a mean bone in her body. I've seen plenty of MIL's who are 'nice' in a way that the child believes they are nice but the spouse knows they aren't really welcome. And your sister..... Well you probably should split because you mother could live 20 more years and your sister could easily outlive you. So you are asking your wife to live like this for a very long time. Your marriage and relationship should come before these others. You haven't said anything about your wife being completely out of line or crazy. You're just upset she isn't thrilled with your family who doesn't find her good enough. I have supported both my own mother and my MIL through multiple things and ultimately their death. But I never put them before my own relationship with my husband. You are. And you expect your wife to be happy about it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re sister’s quite a problem. What’s her hold on you? 

Is your sister doing much of the helping in terms of your mother’s needs?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Women live life in a quite power struggle with each other and when they have a pawn to play with it is an ugly fight. This ugly fight is only made worse by a man who tries to play for both teams.

Chose your wife ….. end of story.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I would say move to where your wifes family is. She'll be happier, your marriage will likely be better and if your have kids you'll have a far better support system there. It's only 4 hours away so you can still visit your mom somewhat regularly. If you want this marriage to work I think thats your best option.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you move, you need to talk to your wife and work out solutions for seeing your mom. If she isn't comfortable around her, then she may not like it if you want to go get your mom and bring her to stay for a week. I understand that, but if you move, she needs to be willing to let things like that happen. 

I get why you don't necessarily want to move your mom to the other town since there is a sibling already helping her. Unless she has been a person who frequently moves around in her lifetime, Mom is going to want to stay put. And honestly, the best place for old people is the home they've lived in for years and have set up that they can navigate it without falling. 

Once you have children, your wife may need you there, not going to visit mom. But that would be true even if you had them where you are now and were always bailing to go visit mom. 

You'll also need to talk about if you move, can you bring the kids with you sometimes to see your relatives, who she doesn't want around them. So there's negotiating to do. 

If your wife is inclined to depression from stress, having a baby may only compound the problem. You two need to really talk about all that. What if she just becomes depressed from being locked to baby and the mood never lifts? You two need to talk about all these things.

Last but not least, remember it's not like the old days. You can set your mother up on Zoom or Facetime type chat and put your eyes on her regularly and she you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your mom could live another 20 years. Your wife won’t stay that long.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

For what it’s worth I think your wife is planning on divorcing you if you don’t agree to move and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already been talking to a lawyer. She’s tired of playing second (or third) fiddle to your mother and sister and frankly I don’t blame her. She’s lonely and overworked and has a husband who is more concerned about his manipulative family than his wife. 
I really love the way you excuse your mothers ****ty behaviour by saying she “doesn’t mean it” and you also praise your mother, saying she “doesn’t have a mean bone in her body”. 
You don’t have much good to say about your wife I notice. 
You have a wife (for now) and she should be your first priority.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think your relationship sounds pretty awful. You do most of everything around the house, your sex life sucks, and your wife is unable to manage her own stress. I'd contemplate whether you want to stay in this marriage, before making other decisions.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Your marriage sounds awful, and it's not going to get any better. Your wife doesn't know how to cope well or handle much. 

She also sounds selfish, demanding, and stuck in her ways. The fact that she's not putting forth an effort and harboring resentment for years is very telling. 


She isn't trying to grow or compromise. She wants whatever she wants when she wants it. 

You seem like you do everything or most things.

Your sister probably had legit concerns, worries, and she probably saw what others did not, or refused to admit. An unhealthy relationship prior to marriage. 

She probably was trying her best (although may not have been the best approach) to get you to realize that this relationship wasn't the best for either one of you to be in.



Honestly, the best thing to do is divorce. 

The both of you are incompatible.



The both of you need to honor and respect each other's choices, instead of trying to sway one another.


Do what's best for you and whatever would make you genuinely happy,

And she can do the same for herself.



Let her move to be closer to her family and where she wants to be.


You stay where you are.

If you were to give in,

You'd be more miserable than you are now. You would be and feel very unsettled, unhappy and anxiety ridden.



Being near your mom and family makes you feel settled and happy. It seems to calm your nerves.


Your mother doesn't want to go, nor should you ask her to relocate. 

She is happy where she is. 

Let her be in somewhat of a peace and comfort the remainder of her life.


You need to be as well.

So does everyone involved.


Divorce seems like the proper way to go...in actuality, in my opinion,

It should have happened a long time ago.


Please just part ways, peacefully.

Do not have children with one another.

She isn't even a healthy, stable, secure person right now...


Neither are you.


No human beings should be brought into this dysfunction..


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## davebrubeck1 (Dec 2, 2021)

Read "Living on Automatic", some of what you write reminds me of the ideas in that book.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I know all about toxic in-laws OP. My MIL tried to talk my husband (then boyfriend) out of me moving in with him, and got his sister to try too. The two of them would question him about me and my family when they got him alone. When I mentioned that to my SIL when she asked why he seems to "want to stay away from us". Her response was "why would he tell you that?" lol. The questions stopped that day.

I'm not stupid, I know they don't like me, I'm not good enough for their son in their eyes. The fact that I make him and his daughter very happy is completely lost on them. I also know it's not personal as they did the same to his first wife. Knowing that doesn't change my feelings however. When things were really bad, I said to my husband at one point that if we didn't survive this, if they managed to break up our marriage that the same thing would happen with his next wife too. He FINALLY stood up to them like a man should, and things are better with them now. He sees a bit more of them and MIL is on her best behaviour because she knows damn well that if she tries any of that crap again, she will lose her son.

I still carry resentment from it though, years later, things would have been very different if he'd done that earlier, but he didn't so here we are. I imagine your wife feels very much the same.

When you marry, your spouse becomes your first priority. Leave and cleave and all that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The other thing is, move or no move, you need to deal with your mother and sister before you go. Distance these days is nothing. So if you move, and you’re still seeking your mother’s and sister’s approval, you’ll be texting and FaceTiming all day long. Believe me, you’ll have more contact with them when you’re further away. And then you’ll be dealing with their disapproval because you ‘abandoned’ them for your wife. So I suspect you’ll be trying even harder to please them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you want your marriage to survive then move. She will have to change jobs and having a child will be much easier with lots of family around. Your mother has her daughter to help her, and if she needs to, she can get paid help eventually or move. Many 75 year old's are still very independent and active and don't need help.a
Does she have friends? Does she get out and about and go to groups or activities? She has to live her own life and your yours. She can take part in many outside activities if she wants company.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Your family not accepting your wife was devastating to her. And you’re basically choosing your family over your wife. Your Mom is young and has your messed up sister local to help when needed. 

If you want to stay married, put your wife first. Move. You can always come visit your Mom. Just hold off on having children until you know the move has really helped.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Do you remember this at your wedding, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Moving would be only 4 hours away. Heck, I drive that far just to see a ball game. Grow up dude and quit being a momma's boy. You either commit to your wife or let her go so she can find a real man who will commit to her.


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## Dee Peterson (5 mo ago)

Chi88 said:


> My wife and I are stuck at an impasse which is currently on where we want to live and raise a child, but has some deep roots that have been difficult to repair. We have been living near my parents for 7 years as they are much older than hers and my dad was suffering from dementia. He passed 3 years back but we have remained here to help keep an eye on my mom who is in her mid 70s and lives alone. My sister also lives in the area but beyond that I don't have much family around, and several of our friends have moved away leaving us feeling a bit isolated. My wife is not fond of my mom or sister which makes the situation much more difficult, as she feels much more isolated than I do. The initial issue I believe is rooted in that my sister did not approve of my wife and I getting engaged and while she never said anything to my wife, she spoke down to me about it and I'm positive spoke negatively about it to my mom. My sister has always been difficult to handle and thinks she knows better than others. She is often harsh when sharing her opinions which my mom has a difficult time dealing with, always giving her the benefit of the doubt and just going with what she says to avoid confrontation. When my wife and I announced our engagement to my mom (4 years ago), her initial reaction was more about fearing my sisters reaction to our engagement than celebrating the moment. This with a few other instances of favor towards my sister, made my wife feel understandably unwelcomed to my family and has sown a deep resentment towards my family. I've talked about it with my mom and she has acknowledged that the way she reacted was wrong and has tried to patch things up with my wife, but years later my wife is still resistant to any attempts to repair the relationship. I do know that my mom is still fond of my wife and that she fully supported our marriage, she's one of those people that doesn't have a mean bone in her body, but sometimes doesn't think before she speaks and doesn't realize how things can come off sometimes. I am not expecting that relationship to be perfect, that the past can just be brushed off, or excusing my mom when she says things that are inappropriate (rarely happens but on occasion she'll say little things that my wife does not like), but understanding that my wife's reasoning for disliking my mom to such an extent is not based on my mom's true feelings and more based on saying the wrong things at the wrong time and the refusal to work on a repaired relationship is hard for me to handle, and has caused a lot of strain on our relationship.
> 
> We've been married for 3 years now and I've tried to support my wife throughout this, by letting her dictate how frequently she sees my family, giving her every out if I need to see them. If my mom makes comments that aren't the best I talk to her about it to straighten things out to stand up for my wife. On a normal day to day basis, everything is fine. My wife spent some time with me at my moms house for the first time in months this last weekend, and everything went seemingly well which it often does when we get together. But it never changes the underlining feeling my wife has towards my mom.
> 
> ...


you put your damn wife first thats what you do there should be no question of it, you married her not your mum and I would sincerely hope your mum would want you to both be happy, if not she is selfish, if you feel you have to ‘choose’ between your damn mum and your wife, then you should not have married. Stop making your poor wife live in misery, unless you enjoy it of course, in which case you will be single very soon as women do not like a wimp, then no one else will want a mummy’s boy, wake up and sort your priorities!!!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dee Peterson said:


> you put your damn wife first thats what you do there should be no question of it, you married her not your mum and I would sincerely hope your mum would want you to both be happy, if not she is selfish, if you feel you have to ‘choose’ between your damn mum and your wife, then you should not have married. Stop making your poor wife live in misery, unless you enjoy it of course, in which case you will be single very soon as women do not like a wimp, then no one else will want a mummy’s boy, wake up and sort your priorities!!!!


I think his mum is being pretty selfish to be honest. I have children and grandchildren and would never expect my children to run around after me and feel that had to keep me company all the time. Especially if it was affecting their marriage. It's up to us parents to have our own friends and lives and interests. When my son got married I jokingly (but also seriously) said to him that I was now down to being the second favorite lady in his life (after his wife) and that's as it should be.
There are so many things around for older people to get involved in these days if they are lonely or bored.


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## Dee Peterson (5 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I think his mum is being pretty selfish to be honest. I have children and grandchildren and would never expect my children to run around after me and keep me company all the time. Its up to us parents to have our own friends and lives and interests. When my son got married I jokingly (but also seriously) said to him that I was now down to the second favorite lady in his life after his wife and that's as it should be.





Diana7 said:


> I think his mum is being pretty selfish to be honest. I have children and grandchildren and would never expect my children to run around after me and feel that had to keep me company all the time. Especially if it was affecting their marriage. It's up to us parents to have our own friends and lives and interests. When my son got married I jokingly (but also seriously) said to him that I was now down to being the second favorite lady in his life (after his wife) and that's as it should be.
> There are so many things around for older people to get involved in these days if they are lonely or bored.


Aww bless you, totally agree with your reply, thank you, that is really lovely what you said to your son, my mum would never try and guilt trip us to stay here in this town, but I cant say the same about my hubby’s mum, she is lovely and we all get on great but they are all a bit clingy, they are good company though, sometimes I think they are smothering hubby but its up to him to be tactful with them, and explain he wants them to ease off a little, hope your son is happy, have a lovely weekend x


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Besides your side of family has a lot of issues, seems like your wife cannot be happy no matter what, she wants too much, I doubt she will be happy even you move to any place she pick it


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