# How to back away, forget, leave her alone?



## heartoft9oe (Jan 19, 2012)

My wife and I met while each of us were going through our previous divorces. We have, since we started dating, had our share of arguments. My friends and family say that "ya'll have been doing this since day one"! We would fight, throw in the towel...over and over. During one of those down-times, I cheated on her. We worked through it and she said she still wanted to get engaged and married. I vowed that it would NEVER happen again and I have kept my end of the bargain! Fast forward to we got married. We still had our fights and she finally decided to move out. She has a son and she said that our fights were affecting him and I agree. My parents bought us our house...made the down payment and paid for the mortgage. My wife decided, after a while that she wasn't happy with that situation and felt like my parents had too much control over us. Although, they NEVER held it over our heads or required anything in return. Before my parents bought the house, my wife's last words to me were, "I like that house, get me that house". So, after she moved out, she wanted me to come move in with her. I COULDN'T do that to my parents. "Hey mom and dad, thanks for the help, but I'm leaving, good luck selling that house". Just couldn't do it. So, I stayed and we lived separate for a year and 5 months. I would go by and see them every day. Leave work, go home, take a shower and go over to her house. I used to stay over, but her 9 year old son started to sleep in the same bed with her again. After a while, every time I would come over, the first words out of his mouth would be, "did you bring cloths over"? or "Are you staying over"? Because he knew that meant that he would have to sleep alone and he would throw a fit or start crying. After months of this, I couldn't stand him asking me that any more. Why couldn't it be, "Hey, how are you"? Not, "are you staying over"? So, I stopped staying over. Then my routine was work, home/shower, go over there for dinner, stay until 10pm and drive back to my house to be by myself. We did this for a while. And saw each other everyday and on the weekends. While on a vacation together, her place was broken into and she was scared. They moved back in with me, but because they had been sleeping together, at that point, for a year and 5 months. She decided it would benefit our son for her to sleep with him in his room for a while. Well, that turned into 5 months of us living in the same house but sleeping in different beds. Finally, I went to a family member's wedding and she stayed home. She called me one morning and said, "I won't be here when you get back". She left again, but this time, said she is doing it for my step-son. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted. But we still hung out for dinner and weekends, but did not want me to stay over at all. After a week or so and speaking to a friend until 2am, I had a bad feeling in my stomach. My friend said, if it will make you feel better, drive by there. So, I did. And what did I find?....Her ex-husband's truck hidden parked behind her house all night. At the time, I didn't know who's it was. I went and confronted her the next morning and she told me that she didn't know who's it was and that it scares her because that house had been broken into before. I asked her if there was anything I needed to worry about and she said no. About 4 hours later, she texted me saying that honesty is very important to her and that the truck belonged to her ex-husband. And that I could assume what I wanted but nothing happened. She said he came over to spend time with his son and it got late and she offered him the floor. This devastated me. While I wanted to believe her, it made me want to know what she was doing all of the time. I tried to break things off with her but she came back to me with the I'm sorry it happened and at that moment I didn't care about your feelings only to later realize that I do care about your feelings. That she loved me and went on to talk about our future together. She said she just needed time to think and space, but I just couldn't do it. I needed the answer NOW. So, my asking her every day only pushed her away even more and she said it made her feel like she was going "insane". We don't talk much now. She only responds in her own time. But she finally said that she wants a divorce. I just want to try. Even yesterday (two days after her telling me she wants a divorce), I went to see her with my attorney's information written on a piece of paper to give to her and asked her if she wanted it, and she said, "no, why don't you take it back with you". ???? What????? Why doesn't she want it??? Of course, I know it's stupid, but in the state of mind that I am in, I find hope in her not wanting the information. I can't keep doing this to myself. Any advice???? Thank you all!


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## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

It sounds like the both of you are going through some emotional strains. She still seems to have mixed feelings on the divorce. Maybe more final than she is ready for, but the way the both of you are living is not much for a marriage either. The child obviously has been affected and that is what I would think about. If there is a chance of reuniting than seek counseling. The child I would recommend have his or hers own counselor as well. I hope for the both of you that that there can be a resolve, but if this is the way yall are going to continue to live, than set the situation free...


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## heartoft9oe (Jan 19, 2012)

nick15 said:


> It sounds like the both of you are going through some emotional strains. She still seems to have mixed feelings on the divorce. Maybe more final than she is ready for, but the way the both of you are living is not much for a marriage either. The child obviously has been affected and that is what I would think about. If there is a chance of reuniting than seek counseling. The child I would recommend have his or hers own counselor as well. I hope for the both of you that that there can be a resolve, but if this is the way yall are going to continue to live, than set the situation free...


Thanks Nick for your thoughts. She says she is doing this for the child and I support that 100% She and I have just been through so much together, i didn't think the fight to stay together would ever leave. She is done. Finish. Being on the receiving end of this separation/divorce, I am having a hard time accepting it. You know, when your wife stops answering/returning your calls, stops texing you, stops wanting to see you. I realize it's over for her and has been over for some time. But, obviously, not seeing this coming it's hit me all at once. And I had only wanted to try. She wants nothing.


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## heartoft9oe (Jan 19, 2012)

*Lesson: What happens when you push too hard*

"Listen, I have and am really praying about this situation diligently but I have to be honest with you. It's only fair to you and myself. U have got to stop. I'm felling smothered by you. I feel like you are beating me down with bible verses, Gods word and direction for my life. You yourself cannot convey that to me based on a newly found relationship you are forming with God. I am very thankful and excited that you are finding this relationship with God but you have to do it for yourself, not for me. If you try to change or build on something "for me", it's worthless to me AND you. I am focusing on myself, my son, and our life and honestly, right now, it does not include you. I've tried in the best way I know possible to convey this to you but you are so persistent. Honestly, I just want space. I want you to let go. I want you to find YOU. Your likes, your dislikes, peace, joy, contentment...but without me...without it including me because I cannot promise you a future nor will I guarantee one. The only thing I can guarantee you is that I am letting go and I'm seeking my relationship with God in further depth. But, it's for ME. It's not for you nor is it to make this relationship work. I am trying not to hurt you but you are forcing me to respond and I think, again, it's only fair to be honest with you. I know you love me. I know you are here if I need you. I know you want this, but at this time, I do not feel the same. Please let go. Please continue to find yourself, please pursue God, but please do not count on me as I am not a promising result. I'm sorry. 


Ouch. Well, I did it myself. But, your heart will cause you to make stupid decisions sometimes. And when you are feeling your lowest, she is the one person that I want comfort from.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's been done for a while I suspect. Her not returning to your bed was a sign.

You were right not to accept her wanting more time. What she wanted was you to wait while she tried giving her ex a full shot at being fully. Wth her again. If he missed up, you were her backup plan.

Never be anyone's backup.

Do the divorce fast, and move on wiser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

I know what you are going through and bottom line is it sucks. We cling on to something so tight knowing we need to do the exact opposite. It's that history and the emotional tie to that history that holds us or binds us I suppose. I think the best gift you can do for her and yourself is to slowly let go. I hope the best for both of you.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

It might be a good step to leave your wife completely alone. You have been accommodating her decisions far too long - she moved out yet you went to HER house every day for dinner? 

Let her live completely without you for awhile. See if that's what she really wants. If not, she will come to you.

The ex-husband 'sleepover' is a real red flag. Especially lying to cover it up. Bad signs. Worth looking into...


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Janie said:


> It might be a good step to leave your wife completely alone. You have been accommodating her decisions far too long - she moved out yet you went to HER house every day for dinner?
> 
> Let her live completely without you for awhile. See if that's what she really wants. If not, she will come to you.
> 
> The ex-husband 'sleepover' is a real red flag. Especially lying to cover it up. Bad signs. Worth looking into...


Totally agree and there are good reasons the Ex is her Ex... She's simply trying to give him one more try and you know it's going to fail... If you do a complete 180 and let "Ex" screw it up himself while at the same time improving yourself, later you will be the obvious choice for her.

Never cite religion as the reason for her to stay with you. It always fails as you've just witnessed...


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## heartoft9oe (Jan 19, 2012)

Thank you all for your words of advise! It really got me out of a bad spot this morning...woke up and the anxiety hit me all at once...had to hang my head over the toilet bowl for about 30 minutes. At either rate, it seems that the best choice is to let her go. A) she realizes what she is missing and comes back (doubt it as she is sooooo dang head strong) B) The next time I see her I will be in a better place emotionally and physically (and wouldn't I have the last laugh then???


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## heartoft9oe (Jan 19, 2012)

WhyinSC said:


> Totally agree and there are good reasons the Ex is her Ex... She's simply trying to give him one more try and you know it's going to fail... If you do a complete 180 and let "Ex" screw it up himself while at the same time improving yourself, later you will be the obvious choice for her.


I agree. EVERYONE knows that her going back to him would be disastrous. But sometimes it's not about making intelligent decisions. We, in our emotional states, choose the "easy" solution. The quick fix. 

But, as my best friend tells me, there is NOTHING I can do about it, if that is what she intends to do or is doing. 

I can't understand why, regardless, if he really was there to spend time with the son they have together, or that there was more to it than as my wife said, "he got tired and slept on the floor". Bottom line is that he stayed over, which is WRONG regardless of what went on or what they did. And the simple fact that they had to hide his truck behind her house shows deceit. In other words, they new what they were doing was wrong and they wanted to hide their actions. If it was no big deal, keep the car in the driveway,  I don't get why I hadn't ran for the hills yet after that. Why do I even care to fight for her??? She made her decision and wanted my forgiveness because she said that night, while he was there, she didn't care about my feelings. It wasn't until after that she realized she did care about them. A lot has happened since then and now she wants ME to leave HER alone??? I should have stuck to my guns and left the day I saw her ex's truck parked behind her house. But, no, she talks me into not ending things back then. This was before Thanksgiving!!! Do you know how much further I would be along my path of healing if I had just said NO??? Oh well.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

heartoft9oe said:


> I don't get why I hadn't ran for the hills yet after that. Why do I even care to fight for her??? She made her decision and wanted my forgiveness because she said that night, while he was there, she didn't care about my feelings. It wasn't until after that she realized she did care about them. A lot has happened since then and now she wants ME to leave HER alone??? I should have stuck to my guns and left the day I saw her ex's truck parked behind her house. But, no, she talks me into not ending things back then. This was before Thanksgiving!!! Do you know how much further I would be along my path of healing if I had just said NO??? Oh well.


I, for one, and probably everyone here (can I get an Amen?) am certain I could/should have known what I needed to know long before I ever knew it. But, there was a reason we went back for more. There was something else we needed to know, or be convinced of. Because our hearts are tricky little devils...

You weren't ready to call it off then. If you had, you would probably be racked with doubt right now!! A little regret is MUCH BETTER than tons of doubt! 

This is a process. Nobody can say how it should work for you. You will see things in your own time. Keep looking for answers. Clarity will come


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Janie said:


> I, for one, and probably everyone here (can I get an Amen?) am certain I could/should have known what I needed to know long before I ever knew it. But, there was a reason we went back for more. There was something else we needed to know, or be convinced of. Because our hearts are tricky little devils...
> 
> You weren't ready to call it off then. If you had, you would probably be racked with doubt right now!! A little regret is MUCH BETTER than tons of doubt!
> 
> This is a process. Nobody can say how it should work for you. You will see things in your own time. Keep looking for answers. Clarity will come


AMEN! It took me a long, long time to even start healing because of "hope" and doubt. Much better now...


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## heartoft9oe (Jan 19, 2012)

Today was my wife`s birthday. It has taken every ounce of my willpower not to pick up the phone to call/text her a happy bday. Sooooo sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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