# that big empty hole



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

just shy of one month now since my divorce. I have no regrets about the divorce. Even though my ex said he wanted it too, it was I who did all the work. I filed, I paid for it, I did everything. All he had to do was show up to court. My life is better without him. Still, there is that big empty hole in my life now that he is gone. It's not that I miss him, I miss companionship. I miss having someone I can talk with and laugh with and share life with. I am so incredibly lonely. The sadness that I feel, the depression that is taking me over. That void in my life. I'm not even living, I only exist. How do you get past all of this? How do you fill that hole in your life? What do you do when you feel so unwanted?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

When you stop valuing yourself by the standard of being valued or desired by someone else ... that hole simply starts to shrink.

Not having a partner in no way means that you aren't valuable.

Exist with purpose. Doesn't matter what it is. I will tell you the honest to goodness truth of the point that I started at. Making my bed. That was my first big commitment to getting back on my feet. Make my bed every day. I'm not joking. Then I added elements from there. All existence eventually becomes 'routine', exciting or dull, positive or negative. You need a routine. You need to create some consistency in your life. That is what will get you through this. Do not measure your self-worth based upon a relationship that didn't work out ... that is a rat-hole you simply shouldnt' go down.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I agree apple. i feel the same as you at this moment. You do need routine, and make small goals each day. go through the motions of things, even if you don't enjoy them. Accept invitationseven if you don't really feel in the mood. Eventually you will start to enjoy things slowly again. I was in this situation 12 years ago, I know it will get better, and it will for you to. Hugs.


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## healme (Jun 17, 2011)

Iwas in the same situation six months ago but then I agree with the suggestions above .What I did was I tried and changed everything from my wardrobe,my job,my phone,ringtone,place ofliving,everything that reminded me of him.So that gave me a new start anew framework alltogether.My new friends dint know anything of my past and that helped me a lot.I had jus cut down social gatherings where i expected to meet people who knew 'us ' for quite a while tha provided me with the time to be me.
I made myself busy day and night earlier to fond a (new) job and then to establish myself in it.I even went for solo excursions and spirtual getaways are also quite helpful in this phase of life.
You should in a way find your own way that helps you accept it and get along with yourself nicely,try doing things that you always wanted to do but couldnt do due to family/husband responsibilty,try doing everything that gives you happiness,that could be just anything any of your hobbies,persue them this is the time.And believe me it would heal you.
Have you watched eat pray love...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Make the bed! Ha! I’ve had reminders going off to “Do washing”, “Change sheets”. But for me one of the biggest things has been to learn how to love and take care of myself. My focus is totally on me for the very first time in my life. I’ve gone a bit overboard on it but I’m more or less now in a position to be able to help others again.

But AppleDucklings the single biggest thing is to dream and plan to make your dreams come true. You've to learn how to be the captain of your own ship. You have three children start by making your dreams and plans for them, surely that’s a full time occupation? Then as sure as eggs are eggs while you are working away to make your dreams come true that new person will appear in your life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, you are still fresh out of your divorce and one that seems like you got zero closure. 

Focus on your children (you have kids, right?) Focus on YOU. Do something NEW, something you have never done before. I went skiing earlier this yr. It'd always been something I wanted to do and was on my bucket list. My friends invited me and I am so glad I went cause I was tired of sitting around moping. Not only did I cross something off my Bucket List, I had a really great time!

Deej is right--don't think your worth/value is in being in a relationship. Cause it's not. You need to find happiness from within. Absolutely. First. Before you can find it with someone else. Right now you shouldn't even be thinking about another relationship/dating. Focus on you! You just spent a massive part of your adult life with your d*uchebag ex and you need to discover yourself. The new you. That chapter is old and dead. A new one is starting and you get to write it! So make it good. 



healme said:


> Have you watched eat pray love...


Great movie. Rent it. And Javier Bardem is lovely to look at.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My sister spent two years in that place. She got so bad that she wouldn't even be around me because I was still married. She defined herself by having a man (still does actually). She didn't get better until she found another one.

I know I'm not one to give advice in this area but my heart goes out to you. Relationships don't define you. You define you. Find HER and you will find peace. You don't need a man to be happy. Sad to say but having one is no guarantee of happiness either.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> My sister spent two years in that place. She got so bad that she wouldn't even be around me because I was still married. She defined herself by having a man (still does actually). She didn't get better until she found another one.
> 
> I know I'm not one to give advice in this area but my heart goes out to you. Relationships don't define you. You define you. Find HER and you will find peace. You don't need a man to be happy. Sad to say but having one is no guarantee of happiness either.


I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk but it's not easy. I was with my ex for 15 years. I dont know how to be alone. I think I'm feeling like your sister was. While I do appreciate my friends and enjoy their company, they all have somebody and I'm alone. It's getting to where happy couples make me want to puke.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk but it's not easy. I was with my ex for 15 years. I dont know how to be alone. I think I'm feeling like your sister was. While I do appreciate my friends and enjoy their company, they all have somebody and I'm alone. It's getting to where happy couples make me want to puke.


Look 12 years ago my parents disowned me. Yep just up and decided they didn't like me anymore. And just like that overnight I became an orphan at the ripe old age of 33. I fell into a funk that lasted years. Even therapy couldn't pull me out of it. I hated holidays, birthdays, friends with families hell even going to Target triggered me because I'd see mom's and their adult daughters shopping together. It was so unbelievably painful. I felt defective and broken.

Then one day I realized that I was okay all by myself. An epiphany of sorts. What I learned is the more I focus on what I don't have the more miserable I became. I learned to count my blessings and focus each day on what I had instead of shining the light on the lack.

So my advice to you is simple. Start a gratitude journal. Each day I want you to write down 5 NEW things that you have to be grateful for. Another thing you can do if you are up to it is go help someone less fortunate. I find that it's hard to wallow in self pity when helping others. 

Beyond that just give it time. Grief is a process just be careful not to get stuck there is all I'm saying. I stayed there too long I know that now. I'd hate to see you make the same mistake I did.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Look 12 years ago my parents disowned me. Yep just up and decided they didn't like me anymore. And just like that overnight I became an orphan at the ripe old age of 33. I fell into a funk that lasted years. Even therapy couldn't pull me out of it. I hated holidays, birthdays, friends with families hell even going to Target triggered me because I'd see mom's and their adult daughters shopping together. It was so unbelievably painful. I felt defective and broken.
> 
> Then one day I realized that I was okay all by myself. An epiphany of sorts. What I learned is the more I focus on what I don't have the more miserable I became. I learned to count my blessings and focus each day on what I had instead of shining the light on the lack.
> 
> ...


My dog is actually a registered therapy dog. I take her to visit residents at nursing homes and tell you what, the old people love the visits. 
I will start a gratitude journal. That's a very good idea. Thanks for helping me to see beyond this wall.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I just saw a n advert on tv for oxfam, it showed a woman in a bare field of dust. The narrator said 'this year this woman's crops are not growing and she will not be able to feed her family......'it made me think of the things i must be grateful for.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I have a big empty hole to fill. I hope I can start realizing my value w/o my ex. It is very hard. Making the bed seems like a good place for me to start, and writing down things that I am grateful for. I know it is going to take a lot of hard work and time to fill the void.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

AppleDucklings said:


> It's getting to where happy couples make me want to puke.


Just remember ... they really aren't all that happy, either.


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