# I want to leave because we don't share the same core values



## 50mm1.2 (Apr 10, 2013)

I will keep this post as concise as possible. Hopefully.

My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 13 years with two children, 10 and 8. We care for each other, and I know that she loves me. It pains me to say that I can't return the same love to her, no matter how much I've tried.

My wife is a great gal, nice to everyone, wants to be around me during all her free time, very loyal, knows how to take care of the house and our family. Yet I feel so distanced from her because our core beliefs are different.

It's becoming more obvious to me these past few years. Her focus appears to do anything and everything, spend time and money, for the well being of our family, and just for our family only. My focus is about our family as well as the outside world, and I feel this way now more than ever as we both just turned 40.

For example, I read news about the world daily, she doesn't care to. I try to keep in touch with friends from afar, even those from out of the country, to see how they live while she only talks to our families and friends here. I've wanted to take in a foreign exchange student to help but she's been against it, and not due to a lack of space because we live in a large home with extra unused rooms. I wanted to adopt a child from a poor country. She says no, saying that we would never love that child as our own.

I feel that we differ so much in our core values, and it's something I don't think I could have known entirely prior to our marriage. I've been with her for 20 years, have lived this life for all those years, and I just don't want to continue down the same path of thinking only for ourselves. We both make good money, and each of us is more than capable to provide a good life for our children.

At this stage in my life, I really want to spend more of my time, perhaps 1/3 of my time, to help those in need through volunteer work, but this will require that I be away from our home 3-4 months out of the year. I spoke to her about this, and obviously she completely disagrees with this idea. She calls me selfish for me wanting to get away from my responsibility with our children so that I could pursue my own agenda. I've explained to her that I feel an obligation to my family as well as to the world around us, and that my financial responsibility would be the same. I would still would be around our kids 8-9 months out of the year, in addition to calling them almost everyday to be a part of their lives. She said I could wait for another 10 years until they're in college before pursuing this path. I feel that in another 10 years I may not have the energy or the time to do this (my current career has an annual off-season of 3-4 months). I told her to really want to give this a try, even if for just one year. She gave me an ultimatum: never to return to this house if I go.

Over the past few years, I've already felt distanced from her. And now, to go through this with her, I just feel so disconnected from her. I know that I don't love her the same way that she loves me. However, it pains me greatly to hear her call me selfish for wanting to be away from our children, even to do what I think is right. Both our children have always been closer to me than to her because I get to spend more time with them during the week because I work at home. I feel that our children are old enough to understand that what I want to do is a good thing and that they could learn from it, and that being away from me just 3-4 months each year won't harm our relationship.

I'm so confused. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think it's fair to leave your family and children for 3-4 months of the year. Would it be OK for your wife to leave you with the children for 3-4 months.

Are you sure there is no one else involved, no female you admire or converse with that also does volunteer work? 

If not then you can pursue volunteer work, but try something where you can maybe take a vacation and involve the whole family, so that half of the vacation is maybe helping build houses for the poor or taking care of orphans in a poor country and the rest is having fun with your family. It would be a way to bond and show your wife and children that there is more to life and that they should appreciate all they have (and you should appreciate what you have too).


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I could MAYBE understand doing something like this if your marriage wasn't on the rocks and if it were a one time thing. But every year? Yes, I'm with your wife. You are being selfish. Be realistic- do you honestly believe that being away from the family year after year for 3-4 months is NOT going to have a severe negative effect on your family? And right now, you should be spending MORE time together, not less.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I tend to agree with your wife on this. It is all well and good to want to help others. But what you suggest is taking away from your family. And yes while you see this is being selfless it is at the same time being selfish and self indulgent. You are wanting to give away things that are not yours to give away alone. You are married.

Find other ways to volunteer that do not take you away from your family.

This sounds like Bill Clinton. LOL.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you looking for advice on how to convince your wife to let you do what you want, or opinions on who's right or wrong?

I agree with your wife, for the most part. The time for doing the kind of things you are talking about is either pre-marriage/children or post-children. Not now. And the fact that you're seriously considering leaving her over this shows that you have the opposite issue as hers... You're so focused on saving the rest of the world that you'd ignore/neglect your own family. Your kids WON'T have the same quality of life or attention as they would from a double parent family.

If you want to do something to make a difference, do it in your spare time from home. I'm sure there's lots of local charities that could use your help. You could help global charities remotely, or do local things for them, like awareness events. 

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. 

C


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry dude, but your wife is much more grounded than you are. Seriously, you can't leave your kids for 3 - 4 months/year to go out and help others. Don't you think your kids need your help too? Your ideas sound great if your kids were full grown. But not now. I see something deeper here. I think you are interested in seeing the world, and you are using volunteerism as an excuse to fulfill this real need of yours. You're excited about all things foreign to the U.S., and you want to satiate your hunger for international experiences. Reread your OP and tell me I'm not right. It is selfish IMHO because I think the underlying reason is less than noble, and it's really for yourself. 

There are plenty of charitable works that can be done at home where you can always come back to the family at the end of the day. If that does not appeal to you, then you know the true reason why you want to volunteer abroad...

Bottom line: Fulfill your obligations at home first and then volunteer after.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So whose values have changed?

This hasn't been going on for 20 years or you'd have been here long ago.

It appears you've changed the rules on your wife midstream and since she rightfully isn't on board you'd like to toss those 20 years aside.

You're going to have a hard time finding someone willing to lose their spouse for a third of the year every year.
Your going to have a hard time finding someone willing to take in exchange students and all the stuff you say you want to do.

This isn't simple stuff, you're asking her to majorly alter her entire lifestyle overnight because you want to save the world.

I find it funny you think you can help the world yet you can't even help yourself.

Start expending some of that ambition on your wife and family and maybe you'll see what value really is.

You're willing to traumatize your own children to aid people you don't even know?
WTF?
How did your own kids become so unimportant to you?

Are you going through some type of mid life crisis or what?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Man's opinion. I agree with your wife. Leaving your family for three months a year to go on an adventure (whether a charitable cause or not) is abandonment and rejection. And if you really wanted to you could probably find a worthy cause to donate your time to within an hour of your house. If I was so inclined, I could donate 40 hours per week to the local food bank. I wouldn't have any cool stories to tell, but that isn't the point of charity anyway.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The time to decide you don't really want to be married with kids is before you get married and have kids, or at least before you have kids. It isn't all about you anymore. I find it ironic that you look down on your wife and what you perceive to be her values, because you are the one that is all about you and what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing that my SO and I have discussed is that a truly selfless act is an incredibly rare thing. Even acts of pure good that we do when nobody else can see or know are done because they make US feel good. So look carefully at why you're wanting to run away and save the world. Is it because you feel like you haven't made a difference or aren't appreciated at home? Are you felling your own mortality and that you need to make your mark before you die?

Btw, the thing I DON'T agree with your wife is about the exchange student. I think it would be cool to host an exchange student, it wouldn't cost a ton of money or take a huge amount of time from your family, and it would be a good experience for your kids. I'm curious as to her reason for declining that. 

C

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

I agree with your wife too. Your priority is your kids. If you want to volunteer, do it in your own community, where I am sure there are people who need it. I spent 20 years volunteering - at my kids' schools, on a crisis hotline, being an advocate for a foster child, etc. None of those things took me away from home. You have two wonderful kids and a wonderful wife. Instead of thinking of all the things you could do "out there" why don't you focus on what you have right in front of you?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> . I'm curious as to her reason for declining that.


Probably the same reason I'd decline it if my wife asked me.

I don't want strangers in my home and I've already got enough bodies here thanks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Probably the same reason I'd decline it if my wife asked me.
> 
> I don't want strangers in my home and I've already got enough bodies here thanks.


That's fair enough, and perfectly understandable. Having strangers live at my house isn't a dream come true always either. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 50mm1.2 (Apr 10, 2013)

Thank you so much for everyone's *unbiased* feedback. That's exactly what's I'm looking for. I'm not simply looking for people to agree with me or I'd just talk to my friends. And I don't mind hearing harsh words at all. I'd much rather hear those words now than to make a huge blunder.

I realize there are a lot of things I can do locally in terms of volunteer work to help. However, please allow me to explain. I migrated to the US with my family from Asia when I was 10 years old and have lived a great life here. The US is a country with limitless opportunities like no other. I had a chance to visit my old country on several occasions recently and saw just how bad poverty is there. Here in the US, there is an abundance of volunteers for a lot of good causes. Even the poor and the homeless here still has government aids for the most part. In Asia, volunteer is almost unheard of and nearly everyone struggles. Government aid? What government aid. Many homeless wander the street in ragged clothes with no better than 1 meal on a daily basis. I saw so many images of poverty there that they stayed in head.

I understand that because of family and work, and mostly due to our own convenience, most of us can only volunteer to help those immediately around us. One can imagine how foreigners actually put out the effort to volunteer in third-world countries. I feel so fortunate to have been able to escape from all that with my family so many years ago. But now, having seen right in front of me so many starving families back there, the guilt of having neglected that part of my history for the past 30 years is starting to eat me inside. 

Even though I don't feel the same love for my wife as she does for me, I've been good to her all these years we've been together, and to our kids. I think I know what I must do. Before planning which direction in life to take for myself, I have to first work on the fate of our marriage, whether we'll continue down whichever path together or separate. Perhaps I was just too quick in deciding to walk away from our marriage simply because of the emptiness I feel inside.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

50mm1.2 said:


> Even though I don't feel the same love for my wife as she does for me, I've been good to her all these years we've been together, and to our kids. I think I know what I must do. Before planning which direction in life to take for myself, I have to first work on the fate of our marriage, whether we'll continue down whichever path together or separate. Perhaps I was just too quick in deciding to walk away from our marriage simply because of the emptiness I feel inside.


And maybe you aren't being too quick, I don't know your situation.

I do think I can safely say your looking for reasons to end this marriage, whether it needs to be ended or not isn't for me to say but don't lie to yourself about what your doing.

I don't think your charitable desire or ethical foundation really has much to do with your desire to end your marriage.

I think there's much more to it than that and this is a tiny part of it if any part at all and not a pure rationalization.

That's more assumptions than I'm usually willing to put in one post so forgive me if I'm way off.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to find ways to reconnect with your wife, and ask her to be involved with the charity work you wish to do. 

It sounds like you are having a midlife crisis of sorts. Please remember that statistically most people who do divorce regret doing so and wish they had tried harder in their marriages.

There is nothing wrong with helping others but you need pro have a balance. Your wife and children should be just as important actually more so, they are your family. 

How would you feel if you left your wife and she moved on to marry a new man, he was then a dad to your children? He would also be loving your wife, kissing her, holding her etc? How does that make your feel? It's very likely to happen.

Also you feel your wife loves you more, often when we lose something we realise just how precious it was to us. So think about how good you say your wife is and learn to love and appreciate all the great things she does bring to the marraige.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Charity begins at home, but it shouldn't end there. You've got big time responsibilities to your family for the next few years. They NEED you, don't make THEM pay for the mistakes and bad policies of some government or society half way around the world. Get them off into college or into a career in 12 years and THEN you can be free to pursue your other charitable interests. You can still get involved with these charities, but until your family responsibilities have been fulfilled, keep the involvement local, limited, and mostly financial. Everything in its own time.


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