# So Frustrated - Need to vent



## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm 52 and have been married for 29 years. We had our only child right before we turned 39. The problem is, whenever my husband gets angry at me (often lately), it's built up for a while in him, and he doesn't say anything until it has gotten to him for a long time. So he gets tired if what ever that has angered him for a few weeks/months, he blows up at me like I should have known he was angry about something, but I'm hearing it for the first time. I didn't even realize I did anything wrong. Many times, I've been made to feel like I can't do anything right in the first place. If I didn't make nearly as much as him, it was, "you need to get a better job", or when, at one time, I made more than him, it was, "it's not right that you make more than I do.". That was a surprise, since before he blew up at me with THAT statement, he said, "Hey, maybe if you made more, I could stay home."

He's not an easy person and has depression in his family. When he went to the doctor about it, he was put on antidepressants, but weened off of them and told me I have to work with him on it and make changes so he wouldn't be depressed. I also have major depression that came on with menopause. I saw my doctor and she put me on antidepressants, which work great when I don't stop taking them for a while. While my husband says he likes how I am when I'm on them, he won't take anything himself, and tell me I have to deal with it. He doesn't act like we're a team. It's like there's a competition between us and it's driving me crazy! 

That great job I had? He finally talked me into going part time by the time my son was almost a year and a half, but kept spending like I was full time. I would tell him, but would always hear, "why don't we have any money?" The company I worked for eventually went out of business, so I was out of work for a while. Several months later, I did find another part time job. 5 months ago, I was out of work again (during a time no one else can find work, either). While job searching, which takes a lot if time, I was selling Pampered Chef and running my eBay store for some kind of income. He would accuse me of not looking for a job, the house not being clean enough, and he doesn't treat my 2 little Self Employed jobs as anything serious. I RUSH to get my eBay merchandise and boxes put away before he comes home. Sometimes, I don't post new things for days/weeks, because I have to go to an interview, back home to clean, check out more jobs, then pick our son up from school, back home to clean more before he comes home. Even when I explain my day to him, he says I'm just making excuses. 

If we talk about our relationship, and I tell him how I feel, he turns everything back on me - I swear, that man is blameless of anything! For the first time in my life, he actually said something about me being fat. I'm 5' 6" and weigh 130 pounds. The extra 10 pounds I put on was from my menopause, which is in full force and kicking by butt. Last Summer, I was still wearing a bikini and still had my waist. Not bad for someone who had a child at close to 40 years old. I still do my hair and makeup every day, even if I'm just staying home. I have friends and lots of acquaintances, and everyone likes me and says what a nice/sweet person I am. I like to be quiet and keep to myself or socialize, there's no in between. 

If I talk to him when he gets home, it irritates him since he's had to deal with idiots all day and the traffic on the way home. If I keep quiet and give him some space when he gets home, he gets upset because I don't care about him. What in God's name am I supposed to do? Sometimes, I'll turn on the vacuum or run down to the basement to check the laundry when I hear him pull up so it's like I didn't hear him come in the door because I couldn't hear over the vacuum or washer and dryer, but I can't do that every day. I have recently got another part time job - woohoo! 

I wish I could talk to someone about my problems, but I don't want to bother anyone. I know that's a problem that needs to be word out (had it since childhood). I can't tell anyone in my family since they're all judgemental and are ready to hate anyone who isn't blood related. My mother-in-law is wonderful, but I don't want to upset her by saying too much. His sister is on my side and wants things to be better for us. Our 13 year old son asks me, "what's Dad's problem?" and a couple of times said that I should leave him. He doesn't like when his Dad makes me unhappy. He is a great father, involved with our son's Boy Scout troop and is the Assistant Scout Master. 

I just don't see how we can fix US any more. I wish he didn't see us as competitors. If I say anything, weather tired, pain, depression, traffic, his problem is worse. If something bothers him, I'm sympathetic and on his side and will listen and talk to him to make him feel better. Then there's times when he's back and forth: "you never talk to me about work", "I'm tired of hearing about work, K don't care what goes on there.". I can never do the right thing and I'm just sick of it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please add spacing between paragraphs to your post. It's very hard to read a post that is a wall of text.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok your marriage needs a make over badly.

Start with the book *Divorce Busting*. When you read it, pay very close attention to the chapter on introducing change into your environment (your relationship). 

You need to focus on yourself right now. The only person you can change is yourself. So put your effort there. And when you change, he will be forced to change in reaction to your changes. 

So what can you do to take care of yourself and become the person you really want to be?

Do you work out, or walk, etc? If not why not. And get started.

What sort of social life do you have? Make friends, get active. Got to meetup.com and find things in your area to do that you like. Go, do them. Ask him to go with you. If he will good. If he will not, go by yourself.

Go back t work full time.

Stop doing things in the home that are just for him. For example, he's a big boy. He can do his own laundry. Just stop doing it. When he asks where his clean clothing is tell him that he will need to take over that chore.

At some point you are going to have to talk to him about responsible financial management. You both work too hard to blow it.

A good book for starters on finances is "Smart Couples Finish Rich".


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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

Oh, we know we need to work on our marriage. The problem with any discussions we have on that is he always says that I'm the one that has to make changes and work with him on his depression since I'm the cause of it. He gets up at 5:00 A.M. to go to work and he would like me to get to bed early, too, so I do. Then for whatever reason, if I come in a bit later one night, or if he's getting to bed later a few nights in a row, then I don't care about our relationship. If I tell him what I don't like that he could change to make the relationship better, he just tells me to learn to deal with it. 

He hates when I tell him he treats me likes his father had treated his mother, but he does. I was so tired of him throwing divorce in my face, I told him one day that I started the paperwork for the divorce online. He was angry at me and didn't know why I didn't care enough about trying to work it out. I am just so confused and certainly can get clear answers out of him.

He says I'm on my phone all the time (yes, I job search, post on my Pampered Chef FB page to drum up more business, post on my eBay store, sometimes I'm posting on an actual online show). I never have my phone during dinner or in bed. I put it down while we're talking. Before the phone, it was reading on my Nook, before that, it was books, then before that, I was cleaning all the time. It's like I'm not allowed to do anything that will take attention away from him. This from the guy who has to turn the TV on the minute he gets in the door since 1986. And don't talk to him while he's watching it. If he talks to me on the rare occasion I am watching something, it's ok, because what I'm watching is stupid.

Same goes with the radio. Don't talk when there's a song on that he likes, but he'll turn down the radio during a song he knows I like just to jabber about nothing too important. Pretty much, me and anything I like aren't important. He also does things to help people, but I never make the cut there, either. He clearly has no respect for me at all. 

The only conversation we've had in the past week is about my new job, our son, Scouts, and the dog.


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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

I made my original post a little easier to read. Sorry about the run on paragraph.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My book suggestion stands.

The two of you need counseling. Would be agree to marriage counseling? If not, you need to get into counseling because this is not an easy situation.

After the Divorce Busting book, read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see link in my signature block below). They are meant for the two of you to read and do the work together. But I suggest you read them both first so you know what to do.

The bottom line is that you need to change the marriage... destabilize it. He will not change until he feels that he has to in order to keep you. Right now you two are stuck in a status quo in which he feels like he's got control. You need to shake it up--without destroying it.


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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

Ok. I'll look into the books. But a week ago, he did throw the "divorce" word at me again. I think he uses it to make me change. When he last said it, I said, "fine, I'll do it when I'm done cleaning." On Easter morning, while we were sitting out on the patio, he said, "So what are we going to do about us?" I said, "I'm going to do​ the divorce papers, but I need to finish getting things ready right now to take to your mother's." I said it sweetly and calmly. He got angry and upset, got up and finished what he was working on. So when you said "without destroying it" hopefully I didn't by saying that. I was just tired of going in circles with the same old conversation for the past 5 years. 

5 years of menopause - suddenly made me realize during our last argument about this why people in their 50's get divorced. The men can't handle menopause (he didn't do well with my pregnancy, either). Hopefully he'll realize that I can't be happy, upbeat, and cheerful 24/7.

And also, just s little mention here: he complains about his mother, too. He drives him crazy with her dizziness and he can't deal with it. Luckily, she has me, one of her daughters, and my son to take care of some things for her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*I'm 5' 6" and weigh 130 pounds. [B/]

Wow!!! Perfection at your age.

Your H is a bully boy. Hard 180 until he figures his crap out.

Fill out the D papers and leave them on his pillow or better yet move him out of your bedroom as well.

You get treated as you let people rest you. He starts crap walk away. You can't win an argument with someone like this.*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let him deal with his mother. She's not your problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FamilyMaid said:


> Ok. I'll look into the books. But a week ago, he did throw the "divorce" word at me again. I think he uses it to make me change. When he last said it, I said, "fine, I'll do it when I'm done cleaning." On Easter morning, while we were sitting out on the patio, he said, "So what are we going to do about us?" I said, "I'm going to do​ the divorce papers, but I need to finish getting things ready right now to take to your mother's." I said it sweetly and calmly. He got angry and upset, got up and finished what he was working on. So when you said "without destroying it" hopefully I didn't by saying that. I was just tired of going in circles with the same old conversation for the past 5 years. .


Nope that did not destroy anything. He's a bully. threatening you with divorce while not offering a valid path to marital growth that take both of your needs into consideration is being a bully.

If he has said he wanted a divorce and walked out. That's not a bully. That's him telling you what he's doing.

Saying "We have serious problems. I'm not happy with the marriage, either we go to counseling for 6 months and work together to fix things." That's not being a bully.

But threatening divorce to get you to jump through stupid hoops for him, that's a bully.​
What you said is not you being a bully. It's you letting him know that you are not going to allow him to bully you with threats of divorce and other angry, unreasonable demands. I actually like what you said to him.



FamilyMaid said:


> 5 years of menopause - suddenly made me realize during our last argument about this why people in their 50's get divorced. The men can't handle menopause (he didn't do well with my pregnancy, either). Hopefully he'll realize that I can't be happy, upbeat, and cheerful 24/7.
> 
> And also, just s little mention here: he complains about his mother, too. He drives him crazy with her dizziness and he can't deal with it. Luckily, she has me, one of her daughters, and my son to take care of some things for her.


Sounds like he's very self centered and has learned that by being pissy people will give let him do what he wants and give him what


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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

Marc878

Thanks for the encouragement. I have had him thinking this past week that I'm doing the divorce papers. That's why I think he's afraid to say anything to me. Good, let him worry. It serves him right. The other day I was trying to pinpoint when I went from being a goddess in his eyes to a mean, nasty, wife (which only he sees). I realized it's been about as long as I've been going through menopause with the combination of depression (very dangerous). I finally talked to my doctor and she put me on an antidepressant. He likes how I am when I'm on it, but I got off it a couple of times.

I hope that now since I'm giving him a taste of his own medicine and also doing the divorce papers, he might start being a decent husband again. If not, he'll just sign them, I guess.

I don't mind doing things for my mother-in-law. She's like a mom to me and loves me like a daughter. I'll probably have to move in with her, since I would have no where else to go and only work part-time.

And my husband is a very nice person - to everyone​ but me. I tell him that, but as usual, he turns everything back on me, bringing up stuff that happened a while ago. It's so frustrating. Even our son, who is 13 will ask me, "What's Dad's problem?" When our son was born, he decided to quit smoking and went on Chantix. Big mistake - he's never been the same since that.

Wish me luck! 😃


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

My husband used to throw around the threat of divorce at me every once in a while. The last time he did it (about 3.years ago), I said "yes, this is the perfect time for it. Let's do it!" And I meant it. I was fed up with the threats. At that time he was working 600 miles away. I was left to get the 5300 sq ft house ready to sell, pack up all the belongings, drag about 2 tons of packed boxes to the basement, take care of 4 teenagers who were not happy with moving, and have the house in show ready condition on a moments notice. I came to realize I was very capable of doing anything and everything on my own because that is what I had been doing for 14 months (house didn't sell and things dragged on). He, of course, backed off on the divorce threat, but I told him the next time he EVER threw that threat at me, there would absolutely be no backing down from it. I would go forward with it! Guess what! He has never made that threat again.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FM, would you really be worse off if you divorced him?

It looks like a liberation.


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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

My only problem is that I work P/T and wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere. I am looking for F/T work. Since our last discussion, I do have him scared.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

FamilyMaid said:


> Marc878
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Chantix: one of the most frequent side effects is anger and anxiousness. I was once put on an antidepressant and suddenly developed allergies when prior to the new med I was never allergic to anything airborne. So back to the Dr who had never heard of such a thing....Drs not all the knowledgable about side effects. Get him on another Medication. Or tell him to Man up and discontinue all. Nicotine meds. Lots of people just quit cold turkey. i at one time smoked 2-3 packs of Winston daily, quit cold turkey
31 years ago


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Abc123wife said:


> My husband used to throw around the threat of divorce at me every once in a while. The last time he did it (about 3.years ago), I said "yes, this is the perfect time for it. Let's do it!" And I meant it. I was fed up with the threats. At that time he was working 600 miles away. I was left to get the 5300 sq ft house ready to sell, pack up all the belongings, drag about 2 tons of packed boxes to the basement, take care of 4 teenagers who were not happy with moving, and have the house in show ready condition on a moments notice. I came to realize I was very capable of doing anything and everything on my own because that is what I had been doing for 14 months (house didn't sell and things dragged on). He, of course, backed off on the divorce threat, but I told him the next time he EVER threw that threat at me, there would absolutely be no backing down from it. I would go forward with it! Guess what! He has never made that threat again.




Call his bluff, smart lady!


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