# Ladies who emotionally disconected from their husband... I have a couple questions



## Trying2figureitout

What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?

Do you want to stay married to him?

Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?

Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?

How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?

Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?



Thanks just trying to see where my wife was the last two years. Thankfully she seems back.  Thank god!


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## Lon

(watching this thread with bated breath) I too want to know what exactly my wife thought she was working on alone for so long after she claims to have checked out.


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## Craggy456

Well I'm in the middle of a divorce and I'm going to be perfectly honest. I stopped having those "Loving feelings" very early into our 12 year marriage. He landed a job that put us in Connecticut and he was gone all the time. It got to a point where I didnt care that he was leaving nor was excited when he came home. I think that was about the time all the cheating started.
He was watching more and more porn, addicted to drinking and video games and when that behavior really turned me off. 
When he turned 30, he went into a bout of depression where he didn't think he was attractive anymore. I had to reassure him *eye roll here* that he was still hot, sexy blah blah. His attitude of "roll over and let me do you, now I'm going to sleep" became a HUGE turn off. 
There was never any affection, cuddling etc, I was just a walking p*ssy at his disposal.
Now that this summer has revealed alot of things that I hadn't seen as reg flags before, I know now that he never really loved me, he married me for sex.
And I was young and stupid to believe all the BS he said to me all these years.


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## justsumchik

*What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?*

I have emotionally disconnected at times in my marriage - not felt 'in love', not been interested in intimacy (down to once a month or even every other month a few times), been generally angry under the surface for months at a time. At some point I realized my husband was clueless when I was angry/resentful/disconnected so it was kind of pointless...
I always still loved him. And I always wanted it to be different. 

For me it was huge communication problems. We did *not* know how to talk about important things. We wouldn't let each other finish thoughts, we would be very defensive, very blaming, etc. There are many things I could say about him that annoy me, but that is pointless. There are many things I do that annoy him too. The main problem wasn't any of those; it was the communication breakdown, and the disrespect for each other that went both ways.

Maybe once or twice a year we would have a big blowout, promise to change things, and then slip back into the same exact rut. We also had some terrible situations arise in our family (mainly my family) throughout that have really strained our relationship and added much stress and many arguments into the mix - drugs, child abuse, molestation, prison, mental illness, etc. etc. (not by us or our kids but my family of origin).

Something happened several months back that shocked me into the realization that I didn't want to live like this for another 15, 20, 30 years and that the kids might actually be better off with us apart (my rationale for staying together many times had been the kids). I told him that I was seriously considering leaving, that it was tearing my heart out, but that I couldn't handle the relationship anymore. 

A few months prior I had started going to counseling because of my family issues (brother with severe mental illness, who ended up committing suicide this summer) and how they were affecting our family and I asked him to come with me to a weekend series my counselor and her husband were holding on communication and the IMAGO model of dialogue.

It really was a game changer for us. It changed everything. Of course we still get *****y and say stupid things on occasion, BUT when anything serious comes up, OR if either of us stays mad for more than an hour or so we sit down and dialogue. The best part about it for me is that he has to *listen* while I talk, reflect back what I am saying, and try to understand it before he gets to respond (if I go first). I never felt heard before. He is actually really good at it, even though in normal conversations he often won't let me finish one freaking sentence without interrupting.

This is the main book by the guy who came up with the IMAGO method - Amazon.com: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (9780805087000): Harville Hendrix Ph.D.: Books I don't think a retreat situation is necessary, but it was very, very helpful to us. We felt sooooo close to each other by the end of the weekend. It was a Friday evening session, and then a long Saturday session. We went home in between so it wasn't that huge of a commitment.

*Do you want to stay married to him?
*
Most of the time I wanted to stay married to him. I definitely still loved him all the time. And I have a very strong belief that divorce is almost always terrible for kids. This is honestly probably the only reason we stayed together long enough to get to this point.

*Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?*

I tried to reconnect at different points. It was too hard to not slip back into bad habits until we had a new way to communicate.

*Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?
*

In all honesty, I was getting my emotional needs met by my kids. My physical needs... well, we were connecting occasionally, and I have always masturbated in between.

*How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?*

I would say our relationship was not great for at least 10 years. He would not say that. He was usually oblivious to my state of mind, because I didn't communicate it to him. That's not to say I was miserable for 10 years. We had lots of great times, a

*Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?*
For me it was little and big resentments that were never resolved, issues with the kids (we have his, mine and ours; no other parents involved; but we both put the kids first and our marriage second), lack of intimacy (had a kid in bed with us for 8 years!), and terrible, horrible communication skills. I am an introvert and he is an extrovert; when something major happened we react oppositely and often judged each other for not being the same as ourselves. Lots of things. But the communication issue is what made everything else worse, and is what has made everything else better.


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## golfergirl

Trying2figureitout said:


> What does the emotional disconnection mean to you?
> 
> It means that I find my happiness from my children, friends And extended family.
> 
> Do you still love him?
> 
> I do, but to protect my heart, I am keeping my distance.
> 
> Do you feel its temporary?
> 
> I hope so
> 
> What would turn your emotions back on?
> 
> He'd have to get help and change
> 
> 
> Do you want to stay married to him?
> 
> Not if he doesn't change
> 
> 
> Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?
> 
> I do try, but he ruins it in the midst of a fight when he doesn't let me talk. He cuts me off with a hurtful comment so I shut off.
> 
> 
> 
> Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?
> 
> My emotional needs are met by kids, friends and extended family. My physical needs are un-met. I've shut that off too for now.
> 
> 
> How long has it been?
> 
> 4 1/2 out of 5 years of marriage.
> 
> 
> What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?
> 
> 50-50
> 
> 
> Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?
> 
> He's verbally and mentally abusive. All the little things that add up to the one big elephant in the room.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks just trying to see where my wife was the last two years. Thankfully she seems back.  Thank god!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

I won't lie to you: once I emotionally disconnect, something changes and something is gone forever. Its never. The same after that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

I read a quote a while back that said "Marriage is falling in love over and over again, but always with the same person." The with marriages that last understand this.


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## golfergirl

marksaysay said:


> I read a quote a while back that said "Marriage is falling in love over and over again, but always with the same person." The with marriages that last understand this.


And that's why until I give up hope, I'm faithful to my H. If I'm done, it's for me and he's first, not last to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

golfergirl said:


> And that's why until I give up hope, I'm faithful to my H. If I'm done, it's for me and he's first, not last to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Same here. I still where my ring even though we've been separated for a year and going thru divorce process. Anything can happen but I'M STILL MARRIED.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD

Jellybeans said:


> I won't lie to you: once I emotionally disconnect, something changes and something is gone forever. Its never. The same after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to agree with this. I'm the same way and I can't really explain what it is or why, but once that disconnect is gone, its never quite the same. I just can't seem to get it 100% back.


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## Michelle27

*What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?*For me, the emotional disconnection was a wall I put up to protect myself from hurt. Yes, I loved him no matter how high the wall was. Yes, I always believed it was temporary as we had the most amazing years together before things fell apart. I needed understanding, and to feel "safe" in my marriage to break down that wall and open myself up emotionally again.

*Do you want to stay married to him?*Yes, I did. But...I did have many moments where I felt we were close to the point where I would have to leave for the sake of my children and my own mental health.

*Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean?*There were times that I tried, and other times that I simply couldn't do it because I feared the results.

*Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?* I got a lot of emotional needs met with my children. And I work in a career that is about helping and supporting others, which I poured my heart into and got something back in return. One thing I will never regret is that....I know that I made a difference because of that energy and it's still coming back to repay me. So although things are better in my marriage, I have learned something about my own capacity for giving and what that means to others and it's something I'm not stopping just because my marriage is headed for better days. My physical needs were at time suppressed, at times we were able to connect and at other times my vibrators were my best friends. LOL

*How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?* Our relationship started over 11 years ago. It was the most amazing connection I've ever felt in my entire life. I actually came to believe in the term "soul mates". Things were amazing for about 6 years. Then we were hit with terrible news about 5.5 years ago...the news that his son from his first marriage had been horribly sexually abused, likely from the ages of 3-7. This destroyed my husband and while I was hurting too, my way of dealing with it was to jump in and do whatever I could to help my stepson, including fighting for custody and more. My husband shut down, and we know now that he fell into a deep depression but neither of us realized that for years. But the marriage became a very unsafe place for both of us emotionally, for different reasons. I always knew that if/when he was ready to confront the reasons for the depression and dealt with the fallout from that, we had a good shot at reconnecting. I spent years pushing, nagging, making deals, being angry and reacting to the fallout of his depression in ways that I thought were helpful but from his perspective, weren't.

*Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?* Many, many resentments built over so many things, all related to his depression. His "checking out" when his son needed his help and I felt I needed help in doing what needed to be done, his depression making it pretty much impossible for him to be my partner in parenting, running a household and and realizing that I was hurting too, and also needed support was huge. But the biggest resentments came out of the worst symptom of his depression...anger that came out explosively and wasn't just directed at me, but my child from my first marriage that he has since admitted he felt jealousy over because she wasn't "damaged" like his son was because of his abuse. And when things were beginning to calm down in some ways, the discovery that his son had begun inappropriate behaviors with the daughter that we had together (we have 3 kids between us...my daughter from my first marriage, his son from his first marriage, and a daughter together). The kids are 17, 12 and 7. His inability to understand my pain that his son had abused our youngest daughter while he had effectively destroyed his relationship with my oldest daughter with his explosions of anger at her over what was really age appropriate behavior while expecting me to continue accepting his son with open arms when he had begun essentially sexually abusing her just about killed me. I actually sought counseling over it because it crossed my mind on many occasions to just treat his son the way he had treated my oldest daughter to "teach him a lesson". That was a horrible realization....that I would even consider something like that.


Thankfully, as I was getting as close as I could to the breaking point, he came to some realizations of his own about his own behavior and what he needed to change, and right after I realized that some of my own behaviors were totally not helping the situation (and some were, in fact, making things worse). We are on the road back, and while we're nowhere near out of the woods yet, I truthfully feel the first glimmers of hope in many years. It's cautious optimism, and while I've ridden this train before, I do feel that the bricks from that wall I put up are slowly coming down. He is understanding that this is going to take time, and is really working on patience and understanding, which I appreciate. In turn, I'm also responding to him better, and also dealing with getting back to trying to meet his needs better than I've been able to before now.

Not sure I was helpful or not, but there it is.


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## This is me

AgentD said:


> I have to agree with this. I'm the same way and I can't really explain what it is or why, but once that disconnect is gone, its never quite the same. I just can't seem to get it 100% back.


This is sad. My wife disconnect just about a year ago. She told me a few month later she wanted to Divorce. I tried very hard to repair the damage with a MC, reading Mort Fertels book and weekly talks, but last night she walked out.

She never fully tried to repair things and always looked for some reason to blame me. 

I want to have hope for us but it looks like she may be past that and now I need to just look out for me. So sad.


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## AgentD

It might be sad. BUT I haven't left him and he hasn't left me, so there must be still some connection there. I'm just saying that since there has been somewhat of a disconnect there for me, its never been back to 100%. Then again nothing really is 100% anyway. It comes from hurt and fear. We work to the best of our ability to work on things each day. And to try and get back to where we once were. Its slowly happening, but thats ok, at least its happening.


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## Stonewall

Jellybeans said:


> I won't lie to you: once I emotionally disconnect, something changes and something is gone forever. Its never. The same after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree 100 percent. That's why in all the tough times in our marriage (years ago now) I would never allow myself to disconnect no matter how mad I was. We also never played the separation game. I am a all or nothing guy. If I ever disconnect or separate; that is it period. Once i make a decision of that magnitude it is the point of no return.


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## insideandout

> Well I'm in the middle of a divorce and I'm going to be perfectly honest. I stopped having those "Loving feelings" very early into our 12 year marriage. He landed a job that put us in Connecticut and he was gone all the time. It got to a point where I didnt care that he was leaving nor was excited when he came home. I think that was about the time all the cheating started.
> He was watching more and more porn, addicted to drinking and video games and when that behavior really turned me off.
> When he turned 30, he went into a bout of depression where he didn't think he was attractive anymore. I had to reassure him *eye roll here* that he was still hot, sexy blah blah. His attitude of "roll over and let me do you, now I'm going to sleep" became a HUGE turn off.
> There was never any affection, cuddling etc, I was just a walking p*ssy at his disposal.
> Now that this summer has revealed alot of things that I hadn't seen as reg flags before, I know now that he never really loved me, he married me for sex.
> And I was young and stupid to believe all the BS he said to me all these years


This sounds like my husband. We have been together for 10 years and married for 6 of them. He started his new job the year we got married. Self employed. It causes him to travel lots and since then and having kids he has become distant. I feel more like a roommate then a wife. He use to be all over me ad no I feel like I have to beg for sex or cuddling or anything. I just recently found out that he has been looking at porn quite often since we were married. He has activities he is in on top of his work and when he is at home we either watch TV or he'll be on his phone, or computer. I know we both still love each other deeply, but there is definitely a disconnect emotionally between us. It's frustrating.


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## This is me

AgentD said:


> It might be sad. BUT I haven't left him and he hasn't left me, so there must be still some connection there. I'm just saying that since there has been somewhat of a disconnect there for me, its never been back to 100%. Then again nothing really is 100% anyway. It comes from hurt and fear. We work to the best of our ability to work on things each day. And to try and get back to where we once were. Its slowly happening, but thats ok, at least its happening.


Sadly again, this is exactly what i would have said a week ago, but two days ago she left the house and yesterday she came back to get her clothes and other stuff. We are still connected by our 17 years of memories, which for me were 98% good ones, for her she mostly sees the 2% bad and dwells on them as her reason for the disconnect. 

Through the past 9 months since D day, I have tried many things to make our marriage better, which it did to some degree, but it takes both of us to try and her 10% efforts due to the disconnect made it impossible to improve.

There is a fine line when you are getting mixed signals on whether you should be doing a 180 (basically ignoring the marriage for self) or asking them if they want to do something like the 5 Love Languages test (working with them on the marriage), which was her final straw before walking out. 

10 days before she told me she loved me, 2 days before she agreed we should start meeting on the marriage again which were signals that it was time to move things forward, but her final response was she needed to do the ultimate disconnect which was seperate herself from the house and plan for divorce. 

I just don't get it. So sad.


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## ladybird

*


Trying2figureitout said:



What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?

Click to expand...

*


Trying2figureitout said:


> Being emotionally connected to someone to me means, that you are one with that person. I pretty much knew exactly what my husband was thinking at any given moment. I could feel what he felt (weird I know, but true.) I do still love him. I have felt this way for the last year and a half, so i do not believe it is temporary. For starters my husband could start by meeting my emotional needs that may help some.
> 
> *Do you want to stay married to him? *At this point i am not really sure.
> 
> *Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?* Doing the little things for him.. Giving it my all.. Doesn't seem to work at all.
> 
> *Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?* I am not getting my needs met from anywhere.
> 
> *How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?* It has been a year and a half, since i have felt disconnected from my husband. I would say it is 50/50.
> 
> *Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?* All the above.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks just trying to see where my wife was the last two years. Thankfully she seems back.  Thank god!


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## ladybird

Jellybeans said:


> I won't lie to you: once I emotionally disconnect, something changes and something is gone forever. Its never. The same after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here Jellybeans.


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## Trying2figureitout

Those of you reporting "It's gone forever"

Why is it never the same?

What if your husband truly changes.

Also have you ladies considered YOUR part in the whole mess? Because you definitely had a part in it.

Seems this "gone forever" crowd needs to be honest with their husbands about how they feel.


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## golfergirl

Trying2figureitout said:


> Those of you reporting "It's gone forever"
> 
> Why is it never the same?
> 
> What if your husband truly changes.
> 
> Also have you ladies considered YOUR part in the whole mess? Because you definitely had a part in it.
> 
> Seems this "gone forever" crowd needs to be honest with their husbands about how they feel.


I'm not in 'gone forever' crowd, but I guess my part in this is I was a single parent for 7 years and I have a hard time letting him in. He feels left out because it was me and my 3 older kids on our own for so many years. 
When he gets pouty, I 'punish' him to not re-enforce the negative behavior rather than work it out. I never want to be the one to 'give in'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout

golfergirl said:


> I'm not in 'gone forever' crowd, but I guess my part in this is I was a single parent for 7 years and I have a hard time letting him in. He feels left out because it was me and my 3 older kids on our own for so many years.
> When he gets pouty, I 'punish' him to not re-enforce the negative behavior rather than work it out. I never want to be the one to 'give in'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why don't you want to give-in? He probably has a "right" to get pouty sometimes.... It'
s an endless cycle until someone ends it.


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## golfergirl

Trying2figureitout said:


> Why don't you want to give-in? He probably has a "right" to get pouty sometimes.... It'
> s an endless cycle until someone ends it.


Because he can be abusive and if I give an inch he'll take a mile. His stepdad was card-carrying SS Nazi (not using as an example, honest truth). If my son puts feet on sofa - he doesn't like it. He'll put workboots on sofa, that's fine. If I don't say something to son, I'm not supporting him. I don't like nagging for stuff that doesn't bug me. So do I give in and ride my son's ass to appease H or do I stick my boundary? Because it doesn't end there. There will be more and more nit-picky things!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird

Trying2figureitout said:


> Those of you reporting "It's gone forever"
> 
> I didn't mean that it is gone permantly, but there would have to be some major changes on his part and he would have to continue to do so. What i am saying is that the more time that passes the harder is will be.
> 
> *Why is it never the same?* because, it is hard for me to let him back in. After being ****ed over by someone you love it is hard to let him back in without fearing the same thing over and over..
> 
> *What if your husband truly changes.* If this were to happen then it would be much different, even if he made an effort, but so far my husband has not made any changes what so ever. the effort he made lasted about 2-3 weeks and it went back to the same old thing.
> 
> *Also have you ladies considered YOUR part in the whole mess? Because you definitely had a part in it.* Yup i have actually, but it seems he is the one with the problem not me.
> 
> *Seems this "gone forever" crowd needs to be honest with their husbands about how they feel.*


 My husband knows exactly how i feel and I have told him that the connection I had with him is gone and do you know what he told me.. He said " It's all in your head." Hmmm


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## Trying2figureitout

ladybird said:


> My husband knows exactly how i feel and I have told him that the connection I had with him is gone and do you know what he told me.. He said " It's all in your head." Hmmm


Technically it is "all in your head". Now if your husband really was an still is a jerk to you then you are 100% justified to think negatively about him. Why not just divorce him at this point?

My wife for instance has to change her mind about me (all her little resentments that built up over the years prior to two years ago)... that's "in her head" so it is an accurate description. I've been busting my butt for two years straight...I'm done.

I think in many of these situations the wives get so hardened that it's nearly impossible to re-connect unfortunately.... it would be easier if us husbands would get some positive feedback without having to resort to shock and awe like I did at the two year mark with little change from her..and may ultimately have to follow through on. Because I simply won't stand for a sexless marriage after a low sex marriage. No way no how. She needs to get her mind fixed..times up time for her to decide what she wants.


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## Trying2figureitout

wifeofhusband said:


> I think it can be 'the same' - or better. Sometimes couples have issues, sometimes big ones, sometimes working through those can make a couple stronger. Sometimes it can tear them apart. Things will be changed - just not necessarily for the worse.


That's what I'm banking on....

I think we might end up better, most of her resentments were "small" with a few "moderate" ones.. at least nothing BIG. I changed instantly and its been two years. 

So far we talk a lot more and she brings up topics she knows I like to talk about like football etc. so I guess we are making progress. I've learned women inside and out so I treat her well. Shes lucky to have me honestly.

It would be nice to have sex though... I guess in time we'll be back at it I think we are close to putting this whole chapter behind both of us. Otherwise I'll kick her out! I'm done after two years of this.


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## lovemybabies

T2FIO - I give credit where credit is due and I'm happy you've worked your butt off in the last 2 years but in your posts you go from lovey dovey to bitter. You don't want your wife holding onto resentment for the past years but you are doing the exact same no? U expect her to forgive and move fwd but u bring up the last 2 years and hold that against her too. Just as hard as it is for you to let go of the hurt, it's hard for her too. The fear of things not changing and going back to the way things were might be a factor. That may be why she's not wanting sex right now....she doesn't want to give you false hope. IMO

My husband and I get along well, but when it comes to affection and intimacty I don't want it. He turned me away for 10 years (4x a year sex when I got married at 23) and i can't let that go for some reason....fear and lack of desire. 
I hope you find the answers you're looking for.


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## southbound

marksaysay said:


> I read a quote a while back that said "Marriage is falling in love over and over again, but always with the same person." The with marriages that last understand this.


I've read the same thing before. I wonder if you ever truly love someone if the love ever goes away deep down? If it does, I wonder if they were ever really in love to begin.

It's odd to me that some people will put forth huge effort to stay together regardless of cheating, abuse, etc., yet others will divorce because they simply become unhappy or disconnect. 

Some people can be apart a lot due to a job or the military, yet they stay together, while others can disconnect being together all the time. 

My divorce has taught me that the dynamics of relationships are something I don't understand; I guess I'm too simple minded.


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## Trying2figureitout

lovemybabies said:


> T2FIO - I give credit where credit is due and I'm happy you've worked your butt off in the last 2 years but in your posts you go from lovey dovey to bitter. You don't want your wife holding onto resentment for the past years but you are doing the exact same no? U expect her to forgive and move fwd but u bring up the last 2 years and hold that against her too. Just as hard as it is for you to let go of the hurt, it's hard for her too. The fear of things not changing and going back to the way things were might be a factor. That may be why she's not wanting sex right now....she doesn't want to give you false hope. IMO
> 
> My husband and I get along well, but when it comes to affection and intimacty I don't want it. He turned me away for 10 years (4x a year sex when I got married at 23) and i can't let that go for some reason....fear and lack of desire.
> I hope you find the answers you're looking for.


I guess my "concern" with my wife is that i saw no improvement after great consistent effort... No resentment just disappointment. It would be ok if she could list some major reason for her disconnect but most all her "reasons" are ridiculous. I treated my wife like gold throughout our marriage so what I do now is very much the same... I'm the consistent one in the marriage. I have never told her anything but I love you throughout. Plus my "acting out" was directly related to our low sex life. My fault for not communicating as acting out... her fault for not getting the idea that constant rejection was not a good idea.

I'm of the opinion that is she has nothing concrete then she needs to simply figure it out... because I'm certainly not going to let this dysfunction continue on. Especially when both of us recently reported being "unhappy" two years into this dysfunction.

She put me through hell... as I was so connected to her. It was cruel. Luckily it seems like we are doing much better now so I'm hopeful that this is the month we finally put this episode behind us. 

I'll hold zero resentment. Because I believe in marriage and the for better or worse clause. My wife is back emotionally I just need the physical part now. Then we'll be good.

Sad it took so much... why do spouses do this stuff?

I think in yours and my case it's all "payback".... how childish.
Sometimes a spouse needs to accept the apology an MOVE ON!


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## marksaysay

southbound said:


> I've read the same thing before. I wonder if you ever truly love someone if the love ever goes away deep down? If it does, I wonder if they were ever really in love to begin.
> 
> It's odd to me that some people will put forth huge effort to stay together regardless of cheating, abuse, etc., yet others will divorce because they simply become unhappy or disconnect.
> 
> Some people can be apart a lot due to a job or the military, yet they stay together, while others can disconnect being together all the time.
> 
> My divorce has taught me that the dynamics of relationships are something I don't understand; I guess I'm too simple minded.


It all goes back to how people define love. The love most people have is based on a feeling. True love is NOT a feeling but a choice. When we don't feel like loving our kids due to their behavior, we CHOOSE to love them anyhow. That is love and the type of love that sustains marriages. 

Feelings will change based on performance or whether or not one feels their spouse is deserving of that love. BUT true love is loving even when they don't deserve it. Its loving without any expectation of reciprocation. Yes, you want your expressions of love to be returned, and in a committed relationship, it is expected. But love means continuing even when its not. It doesnt make sense to many, but that's the true meaning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Me personally:



Trying2figureitout said:


> Those of you reporting "It's gone forever"
> 
> *Why is it never the same?*
> 
> If I have a strong emotional attachment to someone, it takes a LOT for me to disconnect from that person. And I mean, a lot a lot a lot. THerefore, by the time I emotionally disconnect, things have gotten so bad that it's very difficult for me to imagine anything changing.
> 
> *What if your husband truly changes.*
> 
> Change? I haven't seen it. He refused to go to MC, refused to speak words to me sometimes for weeks at time, he'd see me crying and telling him I wanted to get MC with him and that we needed to work on our issues, that I had great concerns about our relationship, that I felt hurt by things he did and would either stonewall me/walk by me w/o saying a word or tell me "I don't give a f-ck about your opinion." That he was too busy to talk, had other things to do, to move, to get out of his way, "your opinion does not count. I am going to do what I want and that is it." And he's always say he was going to get a divorce if I had any problems with it.
> 
> *Also have you ladies considered YOUR part in the whole mess? Because you definitely had a part in it.*
> 
> Yes, I considered and worked on my part in it, still work on my part in it. It's a learning process. In fact I was going to IC and MC all by myself for a very long time. He eventually gave into to going to MC but he later cancelled it w/o telling me and saying he was never going back. It's also when he admitted to sleeping with someone else.
> 
> After we separated, I did IC for a long long time. I am not a saint and don't pretend to be--I'm not blameless, am flawed and did things he did not like. The difference is, I was willing to do any sort of work regarding our marriage together, he simply did not want to. It was a fundamental difference in our relationship.
> 
> Seems this "gone forever" crowd needs to _*be honest with their husbands about how they feel*_.


I am actually embarassed at my behavior now of how I'd cry cry cry in front of him, begging him to go to MC to me. Looking back, I must have looked like a fool to him. I told him exactly how I felt for a long time, as stated above. In fact, post-divorce he was talking about how he wanted to get back together, that he'd made a huge mistake, but still refused to go to MC & then I found him on dating sites. Again.

It's hard to feel connected to someone who treats you like you're their option and not a priority.


----------



## RoseRed

Trying2figureitout said:


> What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?
> 
> Do you want to stay married to him?
> 
> Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?
> 
> Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?
> 
> How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?
> 
> Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks just trying to see where my wife was the last two years. Thankfully she seems back.  Thank god!


Emotionallly disconnection happened for me when my H showed no emotional support for me in my times of trauma and crisis. When he completely disregarded, dismissed, and disrespected my feelings on any of our many life changing experiences. I disconnected when I finally realized that he never fully understood what it meant by "us" or "we" when it came to our lives. He did not cherish me. Of course I still love him... I always will.. during the really tough times and our spearation I must admit my love was completely crushed by all the years of hurt and resentment. I always knew it was there... it was the realization, that if he could not love me, cherish me, honor me, respect me... then I knew that was something out of my control. 

He is just starting now to give one iota of thought, "what would she think" before he does any action that concerns the both of us. This is a long road, with a few major bumps encountered so far. 

As far as it being temporary or permenant, that it completely up to him. Once I feel, he has no regard to my feelings, my heart self-perservation mode kicks. I no longer bottle up the hurt, frustration and anger, but openly express my feelings about his actions. It is up to him to make positive steps.

As to staying married, it all depends on if he can truly set his priorities in the right order when it comes to married life. If he can think in terms of 'we'. If it is not within his capacity, then I cannot continue with the disrespect, taken forgranted, or foresaken. We have been re-united for about 1 month now and I am willing to be patience, understanding and forgiving for another 11 months. 

As to me re-connecting with H, I really have to work hard at forgiving the bumps along the path to martial recovery. These bumps are all old habits we both had and they take time to conquer. We will continue with MC to gain insight and perspective.

My emotional needs are met via God and the wisedom of his Word. I look to my priest for insight and emotional support when I need it. If after discussing my situation with H, if he is clueless, doesn't know how to emotionally support me, or if he thinks my issue is a nonissue, then I have a few close friends that I can go to, that never ask questions, but know I am hurting and will give me comfort in friendship and fellowship. There is no need for physical needs to be met... once a woman's heart closes, the physical need evaporates.

I had been disconnected with my H for 6 years, after 20+ years of trying to connect with him. He has some shining positive moments in the past month... and a few stumbles as well... I have my own issues to work through as well... however I keep my heart open and vunerable even though it scares the sh!t outa me, knowing full well he can hurt me again by making me last on his totem pole once again. The odds are completely up to him... I don't place bets on my heart. 

It was a lifetime of neglect, me being the last on his list, thoughtlessness, foresaking me, years of broken promises, and never really observing, understanding, and appreciating me as not only his wife, but as a person with hopes, dreams, and desires. Even through all the years I tried to express, give him understanding, let him in on my pursuits for my own personal goals, he never clued in. There was always something more important. Perhaps it was my fault of not communicating properly, nor loudly enough. That part has certainly changed for me.

HTH... good luck


----------



## I'mAllIn

*What does the emotional disconnection mean to you?* 
For me it meant that I didn't have anyone I could count on, who cared about me or would support me if I needed them. And because I didn't feel like I could count on him I had to pull back from him to protect myself.
*
Do you still love him?* *Do you feel its temporary? *
I love him with all my heart, and it was temporary. We're working our way back now.

*What would turn your emotions back on?* He made a mistake, just about threw it all away, and he had to sit down and really decide what he wanted. He decided he wanted me, so then I had to decide if I was willing to forgive and recommit, and I decided I was.

*Do you want to stay married to him?* Yes

*Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?* I am absolutely trying. For me that means occasionally doing things he enjoys even if I don't, just to make him happy, because that makes me happy. It means doing my best to meet his needs even if those needs are outside my comfort zone. It means really paying attention to what he's trying to tell me with his actions and his body language, since his non-confrontational nature makes it hard for him to tell me what he needs or if I've hurt him. And mostly I put our relationship first ahead of everything else.

*Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?* I wasn't getting them met anywhere. 

*How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?* It happened very slowly, but best we can figure it's been about 3 years since we were ok. I think odds are good we'll make it work.

*Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?* Honestly it was a series of small events/decisions that at the time we made them we had no idea they would have such huge consequences. Things got bad, and I tried over and over to tell H how I felt/what I needed to change. He agreed those things were causing problems, but did nothing to fix them. Since he would never tell me what was going on from his standpoint I was left thinking he just didn't care enough to want to fix things, which was so hurtful I had to try to distance myself for my own mental health.


----------



## ladybird

Trying2figureitout said:


> Technically it is "all in your head". Now if your husband really was an still is a jerk to you then you are 100% justified to think negatively about him. Why not just divorce him at this point?


I dont believe it is all in my head. There are many reasons why there is no longer a connection, that i wont get into right now. The connection being gone is more like a defense mechanism, more or less. He is still a jerk. Divorce is coming soon.


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## MrK

I realize you wanted to hear from the ladies, but I think I can add something.

My wife has been gone for a long time. I thought it was a rut, but after talking to her over the past couple of years (or trying to anyhow. She's not big on that), I realize she had checked out a long time ago. 

Probably one of the bad things about being on this board is that I realized once they're gone, they're gone. On these forums, you RARELY read of a couple successfully getting back together after a disconnect. The rare ones that do are successful because both parties try hard. My wife isn't even interested in trying a little. The result? I've given up. Not even going to try.

Think about it: when dating, how many couples get back together after breaking up? VERY few. And the ones that do were not with each other for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing. But a wife that disconnects is stuck with the bastard. Same big belly, balding head, farting in the house, leaving his socks on the floor...

Even if the man makes a 100% change (as soon as I found out why my wife "left", I made a HARD 180) he is not perfect. He WILL slip back to old bad man, if just for a second. Game over. You're that same old bad man you always were.

We live in the same house as roommates. It will always be that way. 

It's not THAT bad for me, however. My wife would rather give me a BJ than have to talk to me. I'll be able to get some mileage out of that until the rapey aspect of it starts to bother me too much.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

MrK said:


> I realize you wanted to hear from the ladies, but I think I can add something.
> 
> My wife has been gone for a long time. I thought it was a rut, but after talking to her over the past couple of years (or trying to anyhow. She's not big on that), I realize she had checked out a long time ago.
> 
> Probably one of the bad things about being on this board is that I realized once they're gone, they're gone. On these forums, you RARELY read of a couple successfully getting back together after a disconnect. The rare ones that do are successful because both parties try hard. My wife isn't even interested in trying a little. The result? I've given up. Not even going to try.
> 
> Think about it: when dating, how many couples get back together after breaking up? VERY few. And the ones that do were not with each other for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing. But a wife that disconnects is stuck with the bastard. Same big belly, balding head, farting in the house, leaving his socks on the floor...
> 
> Even if the man makes a 100% change (as soon as I found out why my wife "left", I made a HARD 180) he is not perfect. He WILL slip back to old bad man, if just for a second. Game over. You're that same old bad man you always were.
> 
> We live in the same house as roommates. It will always be that way.
> 
> It's not THAT bad for me, however. My wife would rather give me a BJ than have to talk to me. I'll be able to get some mileage out of that until the rapey aspect of it starts to bother me too much.


I can see your point just based on these boards. However I don't think all disconnects are that bad. Think of it... once things improve why would you post here again?

I think it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience for the "spark" to return in some cases and that some marriages actually improve a lot after a disconnect. I think as long as one partner tries consistently and does the right thing by the marriage and for the family the other is eventually bound to follow suit. It may take years but sooner or later the positive change will out way the past. It takes time, resolve and patience. It's hell and it takes up most of my thought process... it's crazy what the disconnected partner puts the other through. I do think it all comes down to payback and wanting to win. It's stupid.

My wife and I are connected as much as ever right now at two years past her disconnect, she herself told me she turned off emotions for me! She also said it would just take time and that she still loved me and wanted to stay married. It's taken an immediate change in my undesirable behaviors, talking, letters, time, threats and consistent unrelenting effort on my part.

We are very close to getting back what we had.... perhaps even better. I know she still harbors some resentment deep down but little by little I notice a definite change in her outlook toward me. She defends me and mentions the things I do in front of others... I can tell she is liking the changes in fact she told me so a while back. It's her now. She has to flip her switch back on... right now I think it's like a fluorescent light that has been turned on and is flickering right before it starts shining brightly and constantly. I've become a confident man and one that other women appreciate.. I look relatively good when compared to other husbands out there... I upped my sex rank.

Its been a lot of work! It's been a lot of self realization and that has built a certain confidence I have around her and the family. 

Its all up to her because she doesn't have forever as I won't accept a sexless marriage... I already told her I'm in no way agreeable to a sexless marriage... she knows that. I see indications that she has now prioritized our marriage just in the way she interacts with me. I'm pretty sure she wants to let go of the past but it's hard and I understand that. I'm pretty sure I got my point across loud and clear.. this month has been a turning point the largest in two years of consistent efforts that included two six month periods of just going with the flow and total peace on my part. It took becoming a man and coming to the point that I'd be OK without being married. It's all on her now. She created the new me with her ILYNILWY moment two years ago.

So I won't say it's impossible... it's just a matter of both being committed to the marriage plus lots of time, patience and resolve. Communication is necessary at points so the other is fully aware that the issue needs resolved I think too many give up too early and that a lot of this is a simple mid-life crisis. I believe in many cases it's necessary. Because it gives both spouses a chance to air out their differences and make needed corrections for a long term relationship to continue on. I'm pretty sure once solved we will never revisit this again and be better communicators. So in a weird way I'm happy we've gone through this.

We'll see I believe I'm 90% towards having a great sex life with my wife again at this point. Two months ago I'd put it at 50%.
So things can change but only if your work at it constantly. I'm in my wife's head more than she knows. It's almost like I'm a practicing psychologist who is working with a subject. My wife knows its all her she just needs to figure it out. I have confidence she will eventually. I'll give her plenty of time she is worth it to me. She is definitely aware a clock is ticking though and that either way we are NOT continuing what we did over the past two years... time for changes one way or another. Up to her. She has two months for me to see positive change in the sex department away from sexless otherwise she'll gets a big dose of 180 including me turning off my emotions to her. I'll let her squirm. I'm done...I did my best. Change will happen! Times up two years of hell was enough for me. I made myself clear so there should be no misunderstanding.. she decides which way this goes. It really is all for the best of our marriage... I just want us both happy...that's all. WE very simply need to move on!


----------



## chillymorn

theres always the ever hopefull. But I think once its gone its gone.

If my wife ever said I love you but I'm not in love with you then I would know its time to move on. or I just don't feel connected with you anymore.


those are the writings on the wall. sorry to say but have some selfrespect and suck it up its over.


----------



## Jellybeans

^ Yeah I remember the time my husband told me "I don't love you." It was like we were riding in a hot air balloon and someone let all the air out. 

It's funny. Looking back, I can now see all the signs pointing to the end faster than I realized at the time. It's hard to come back from something like that...to feel connected emotionally to someone who says things like that.

So Trying, when you say things like this: "_Seems this "gone forever" crowd needs to be honest with their husbands about how they feel"_, please take into consideration the types of things being posted.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Yeah I remember the time my exH told me "I don't love you." It was like we were riding in a hot air balloon and someone let all the air out. It's funny. Looking back, I can see all the signs pointing to the end faster than I realized at the time. It's hard to come back from something like that...


It is hard to hear those words mine said I love you but am not always in love with you (The always gives me a glimmer of hope as in if I changed we may be good) she also said that she may not be the right girl for me (she may be right)... I immediately assumed she was cheating! She of course denied it and to this day I believe her. I just think she is so independent that being bonded is not for her always. I think our low sex life throughout our marriage supports that theory. I deserve better. I deserve a normal sex life.

Whatever I can hold my head high and know I gave it my best shot if things don't turn around by the end of this year I will have one more serious discussion with her in 2012 about her intentions in this marriage... two years is plenty to see which direction this is heading and plenty of time to wrap her head around her feelings and my consistency. At least we get along great otherwise. That is what gives me hope that she'll come around. I think she is just too tired most of the time to put for the necessary effort... I believe she loves me but not enough to put out yet. I don't think we'd be getting along so well if that wasn't the case. It'd be irrational to blow the marriage up but sometimes it's necessary especially if her feelings are just gone forever. She in essence decides our fate.

I won't let it fester, stay in limbo she'll have to make a choice with a concrete plan in place mutually agreed upon. Just to be fair to both of us.

I simply won't remain in a non-sexual relationship with my wife after this year. I think she will choose a normal loving marriage however I'll be fine if she doesn't. Sad things come to this... could have all been avoided had we communicated better along the way. Learned my lesson!


----------



## ladybird

Sometimes the hole is to deep to climb out of it, together. You either choose to live the rest of your life disconnected from the one you married and try to fix why you feel this way in the first place, or you chose to leave for the sake of your sanity.

I for one know why I am disconnected from my husband and I have told him, yet he chooses to do nothing about it. There is always a "No turning back point". Things linger for far to long then ill feeling come out of it... I have tried to fix my marriage, but I can't do it alone.. I have given up. I have nothing left to give..I am worn out.

Living in Limbo sucks, it is like you are stuck in time while the rest of the world is carrying on with out you.

If my husband were to give it his all before I leave, then I ill give him that chance. If he decides to wait until I do leave then it will be far to late.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

ladybird said:


> Sometimes the hole is to deep to climb out of it, together. You either choose to live the rest of your life disconnected from the one you married and try to fix why you feel this way in the first place, or you chose to leave for the sake of your sanity.
> 
> I for one know why I am disconnected from my husband and I have told him, yet he chooses to do nothing about it. There is always a "No turning back point". Things linger for far to long then ill feeling come out of it... I have tried to fix my marriage, but I can't do it alone.. I have given up. I have nothing left to give..I am worn out.
> 
> Living in Limbo sucks, it is like you are stuck in time while the rest of the world is carrying on with out you.
> 
> If my husband were to give it his all before I leave, then I ill give him that chance. If he decides to wait until I do leave then it will be far to late.


What specifically isn't he doing? Is it as easy as if he started doing one thing you would feel connection again?


----------



## ladybird

Trying2figureitout said:


> What specifically isn't he doing? Is it as easy as if he started doing one thing you would feel connection again?


For starters he doesn't do anything. I get very little help from him. I clean, i cook, do laundry take out the garbage, take care of all the animals (we have a lot of animals) and take care of our son. I am over whelmed by it all... It is amazing that i want sex at all.

to name a couple a couple of things. Lack of affection, sex, he has not been there for me emotionally. He doesn't meet any of my needs. I talk to him about it and things get better for a week then back to square just one week later. 

We dont hold hand, dont snuggle, we don't kiss, we dont even sit together. I sit on the couch and he sits in his chair.

It is that simple, but he won't do any of it. Connection would more then likely come back over time. He refuses. And he knows what i need from him.

Also he sweeps my concerns under the rug, like they dont matter.

I can't talk to him, about anything and that doesn't help matters much.


----------



## Wildflower3

*What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?*

Emotional disconnection = not being able to be open and honest, loss of trust with your partner with your emotions, not feeling comfort and emotional safety in your partner's presence

It's only temporary if you both make the commitment to work on your problems.

Regaining that connection and trust by both of us putting 100% whole hearted effort into us. 

*Do you want to stay married to him?*

Absolutely. I love him with all my heart even though I made mistakes and withheld my emotions. 

*Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?*

Yes. I am trying to reconnect by continuing marriage counseling, attending an Imago Workshop and trying to learn about us and our relationship in order to make our marriage fulfilling.

*Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?*

Emotional needs = reaching out to close friends and talking about what's going on; my kids and making sure they feel secure throughout this whole thing

Physical needs = self pleasure; I can't imagine feeling anyone else's touch after 15 years with my husband (9 married years); 

*How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?*

I'm not sure. He is unsure of his feelings for me right now.

*Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?*

Resentments. That is so toxic. Communication helps break those down.


----------



## charlene

WilLiaLillia said:


> Emotional disconnection = not being able to be open and honest, loss of trust with your partner with your emotions, not feeling comfort and emotional safety in your partner's presence


Having that in mind it's like i never was emotionally connected to him. When i'm honest and open he's judjing me or mocking me, but mostly it happens days after i shared something, in another conversation or in an arguement. It's like a knife in the back. It's happening a lot more during the last year.
I want to work it out
I can't see how as he shows no signs as there's something wrong.
Yes he can do something that will make me feel connected...acknowledge the problem and making his best to help in solving it.


----------



## Amplexor

Trying2figureitout said:


> It is hard to hear those words mine said I love you but am not always in love with you !


I got the ILYBANILWY speech two weeks post D-day, a complete 180 from the things she said to me after discovery. While it hurt to hear I didn't have a clue as to how serious it was, that this wasn't going to take months, but years to get the ship righted.




Trying2figureitout said:


> (The always gives me a glimmer of hope as in if I changed we may be good) !


This was a tactical error I made early on. It wasn't that I needed to change myself but to reclaim myself as the man she fell in love with in the first place. My reaction was so over the top in trying to meet her needs, show affection, and recover the marriage that it actually drove her further away. I lost myself in the "process" of recovery and she saw someone she didn't recognize. Needy, low confidence and hanging on by my fingernails. It wasn't a matter of "changing into" rather "changing back to" that was needed. 



Trying2figureitout said:


> Whatever I can hold my head high and know I gave it my best shot if things don't turn around by the end of this year I will have one more serious discussion with her in 2012 about her intentions in this marriage... two years is plenty to see which direction this is heading and plenty of time to wrap her head around her feelings and my consistency.


Two years may not be enough, sorry. She may accept your "consistency" and admire that but feelings are a completely different story. The emotional wall built up during a struggling marriage is formidable. Start to finish it took about 3.5 years to bring it all the way down. Even though I had consistently done the things I had promised, there was still a fear factor for her in making herself vulnerable to me. The wall had served her for years in protecting herself emotionally and she was afraid to leave that defense behind. In the end she needed to take an emotional leap of faith which she did.




Trying2figureitout said:


> At least we get along great otherwise. That is what gives me hope that she'll come around. I think she is just too tired most of the time to put for the necessary effort


There is nothing wrong with letting the situation stabilize for a while but you can't tread water forever or you'll go under. You can shore up the foundations but you can't build on it without action. My wife and I did this for about 6 months after she finally went NC. It served its purpose and the marriage was out of danger from divorce but it wasn't gaining ground either. I had to force myself and her out of a "comfort zone" we had settled into. When I did it it wasn't a "Honey, what if we..." it was "If we are both going to be happy we have to...." She knew I was back in control of my emotions and had regained my confidence and she responded with trust in taking my hand. She needed me to take the lead and appreciated it.




Trying2figureitout said:


> I won't let it fester, stay in limbo she'll have to make a choice with a concrete plan in place mutually agreed upon. Just to be fair to both of us.


Good, don't let resentment undo your work but don't let acceptance swallow you either.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I simply won't remain in a non-sexual relationship with my wife after this year. I think she will choose a normal loving marriage however I'll be fine if she doesn't.!


Our marriage went completely sexless shortly after D-Day. Almost two years. When we did have our discussion that it was time to improve the marriage not just dwell in it sex was a high priority for me and I made that clear as it was her biggest push back. Relations started again shortly after and it made a big impact on her to bring down the wall. We are in our 50s so sex isn't as big a part of our marriage as it was in our 20s but the effect on her and us as a couple was dramatic. My thanks to many on the forum who's sage on this matter impelled me to push this issue as a priority for the sake of the marriage, not just my own needs.




Trying2figureitout said:


> Sad things come to this... could have all been avoided had we communicated better along the way. Learned my lesson!


You're reading my email here T2. A lack of communication is what lead our marriage down a bad path and her into an EA. While we still have the everyday issues in our marriage we don't let them sit these days. We address them and settle them. I learned my lesson too. Good luck.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Amplexor said:


> I got the ILYBANILWY speech two weeks post D-day, a complete 180 from the things she said to me after discovery. While it hurt to hear I didn't have a clue as to how serious it was, that this wasn't going to take months, but years to get the ship righted.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This was a tactical error I made early on. It wasn't that I needed to change myself but to reclaim myself as the man she fell in love with in the first place. My reaction was so over the top in trying to meet her needs, show affection, and recover the marriage that it actually drove her further away. I lost myself in the "process" of recovery and she saw someone she didn't recognize. Needy, low confidence and hanging on by my fingernails. It wasn't a matter of "changing into" rather "changing back to" that was needed.
> 
> 
> 
> Two years may not be enough, sorry. She may accept your "consistency" and admire that but feelings is a completely different story. The emotional wall built up during a struggling marriage is formidable. Start to finish it took about 3.5 years to bring it all the way down. Even though I had consistently done the things I had promised, there was still a fear factor for her in making herself vulnerable to me. The wall had served her for years in protecting herself emotionally and she was afraid to leave that defense behind. In the end she needed to take an emotional leap of faith which she did.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> There is nothing wrong with letting the situation stabilize for a while but you can't tread water forever or you'll go under. You can shore up the foundations but you can't build on it without action. My wife and I did this for about 6 months after she finally went NC. It served its purpose and the marriage was out of danger from divorce but it wasn't gaining ground either. I had to force myself and her out of a "comfort zone" we had settled into. When I did it it wasn't a "Honey, what if we..." it was "If we are both going to be happy we have to...." She knew I was back in control of my emotions and had regained my confidence and she responded with trust in taking my hand. She needed me to take the lead and appreciated it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good, don't let resentment undo your work but don't let acceptance swallow you either.
> 
> 
> 
> Our marriage went completely sexless shortly after D-Day. Almost two years. When we did have our discussion that it was time to improve the marriage not just dwell in it sex was a high priority for me and I made that clear as it was her biggest push back. Relations started again shortly after and it made a big impact on her to bring down the wall. We are in our 50s so sex isn't as big a part of our marriage as it was in our 20s but the effect on her and us as a couple was dramatic. My thanks to many on the forum who's sage on this matter impelled me to push this issue as a priority for the sake of the marriage, not just my own needs.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You're reading my email here T2. A lack of communication is what lead our marriage down a bad path and her into an EA. While we still have the everyday issues in our marriage we don't let them sit these days. We address them and settle them. I learned my lesson too. Good luck.


Thanks so much Amp... I am going to beat the 3.5 years start to finish... my wife never as far as I know had an EA. I'm guessing we have another six months until things settle in to our new reality.... thanks so much for your response. I can already see my wife emotional connection and vulnerability coming back its just the sex (her last gasp at control). In the future I might push counseling I think we both could use some. For right now 180 until she wants to talk.


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## LBG

What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?

I'm new to the forums and like you have been lurking around for awhile. I'll try to answer your questions the best that I can. H and I have been married almost 8 years and have had our fair share of ups and downs to say the least the most recent being 2 months ago.

For me the emotinal disconnection as others have mentioned is not feeling heard or appreciated, being talked down to during arguements, not feeling as if my H is my partner in life, and that I cannot turn to him with my problems, wants or needs. 

Two months ago, I was done, not just a little but ready to pack my stuff take the kids and never look back. We had a massive blow out about absolutely nothing. It seemed as if I was the enemy and we just couldn't get along about anything. Finally, I broke down and told him that I felt he treated common strangers with more respect than he did his own wife and I wasn't going to settle for this. We had a long talk with clear established rules- no name calling, let the other one finish their thought, be respectful, no raising of our voices, and to try and treat each other the same way we would anyone else. I explained that while he's great with the housework, cleaning, cooking, laundry, the kids and everything in between, he didn't take the time to actually talk to me. That I would rather the laundry wait and spent a few minutes talking each day, it didn't have to be anything important, but just talking. I also told him that I missed "dating" and asked him if he noticed that when we got free time alone with no stress that he got much better sex in return? He said yes, I said there's your sign. I want to feel wanted and appreciated, not like your roomate and I want to still be romanced and dated. I don't mean gifts but just having his undivided attention for a few minutes every once in awhile would be nice.

I also acknowledged that I wasn't meeting his sexual needs he's HD and I'm LD and I put a lot more effort into trying to meet his needs, even if I wasn't into it as long as he was treating me with respect and love I was willing to try. We went from 1 or 2 times a week to 3 to 4 and he said he could handle that. He just didn't like the 1 or 2 times a week when he could tell I wasn't into it at all that I'd rather him just get it over with and move on.

Do you want to stay married to him?

I absolutely want to stay married to him. We've worked so hard and have so much to lose that I will not leave until I know that I've given him all that I have. It's not fair to just walk away when you have a family to think of if you didn't give 100%.


Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?

I'm trying, yes "trying" makes it sound like she is having to force herself, but it's not most of the time. To me it's likely that she's looking for ways to get past the anger and resentment and looking at all the great things that have happened or have the potential to happen and looking for the positive in your behavior as well as her own.
Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?

How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?

I've disconnected multiple times through the years. It's a defense mode to protect yourself from getting hurt more. After time and when the marriage improves and those hurts are fewer and further between, I come around. It does take time and him giving me 100% and me giving him 100%.

Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?

Little resentments only. We fight over stupid petty stuff and have an issue with allowing those fights to esculate way past where they need to be. We're a work in progress, but a committted work in progress.


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## LBG

Another thing that I want to add, is that a lot of women start feeling identified by labels such as Mom. I realize that yes, I'm a Mom, but I'm also a person, I have a name, I am so much more than just Mom. Try treating her like you did when you dated, when you couldn't wait to see her and got all excited when she called or gave you the slightest bit of attention. Hubby is doing exactly that and I can definitely feel the spark coming back.  Good Luck!


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## janesmith

* Do you want to stay married to him?

Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?

Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?

How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?

Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?
*

I checked out emotionally except for anger and resentment. My emotional needs to some extent were getting met just not from him. I checked out for about 7 years off and on.

I felt ignored unless i was having a tantrum. I felt like a piece of furniture. I felt as thought I got no support with the kids or the house and emotionally I as a wreck. I was depressed and sad all the time. I gave him too much responsibility for how I was feeling and didnt take enough responsibility for how unhappy I was. Oh he definately contributed by ignoring obvious signs of my unhappiness and behaving as though everything as fine except for me.

He didnt meet my needs so I stopped trying or even caring about meeting his. But something changed and that something was me. I learned to manage my expections, be clear about how I felt and what I needed. These changes in me inspired changes in him for the better and we are happy.

I never think about leaving anymore and I used to think about it all the time. I thought I would be one of those women who after 30+ years of marriage would just wake up one day and say enough and leave. But now my future is with my husband for sure.

Oh yeah, in January we will have been married for 18 years. Cant imagine life without dude.


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## Trying2figureitout

janesmith said:


> * Do you want to stay married to him?
> 
> Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?
> 
> Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?
> 
> How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?
> 
> Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?
> *
> 
> I checked out emotionally except for anger and resentment. My emotional needs to some extent were getting met just not from him. I checked out for about 7 years off and on.
> 
> I felt ignored unless i was having a tantrum. I felt like a piece of furniture. I felt as thought I got no support with the kids or the house and emotionally I as a wreck. I was depressed and sad all the time. I gave him too much responsibility for how I was feeling and didnt take enough responsibility for how unhappy I was. Oh he definately contributed by ignoring obvious signs of my unhappiness and behaving as though everything as fine except for me.
> 
> He didnt meet my needs so I stopped trying or even caring about meeting his. But something changed and that something was me. I learned to manage my expections, be clear about how I felt and what I needed. These changes in me inspired changes in him for the better and we are happy.
> 
> I never think about leaving anymore and I used to think about it all the time. I thought I would be one of those women who after 30+ years of marriage would just wake up one day and say enough and leave. But now my future is with my husband for sure.
> 
> Oh yeah, in January we will have been married for 18 years. Cant imagine life without dude.


Interesting... can you put your finger on what made you change? Was it just an ah-ha moment or hormones or something else?


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## janesmith

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janesmith

I got suck and tired Of being sick and tired. I decided to be happy with or without him. Good thing he came along on the journey with me. If he hadn't I'd still be planning my exit strategy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stevie

I am so sad today. My husband and I attended his high school reunion on Sat night and on the way home, I told him that his history with old girlfriend was something that I could not deal with anymore. 

Over the past 5 years, I know that he has been in touch with this woman via phone, email, etc. She lives 2 states away from us and he admits that he has met her a couple of times when she comes back to our area. (her hometown). A few years ago I found a b-day card from her saying..."Love You, Nuff Said" with an old highschool picture enclosed. A few years ago he went to see his brother in the same state that she lives in. I found a hotel reservation (for the same week part of that week) for 2 nights in mini-suite in a totally opposite direction of his brother's town.. near where she lives . I have held onto that hotel info for several years and never said anything about it.

I can't seem to let go of this and know that we have become very emotionally withdrawn from each other.

Last Sat night, after seeing her at the reunion, I decided to confront him with the hotel reservation. The minute I said the name of the hotel, there was COMPLETE SILENCE!!!! All the way home...not a word. That just seemed to answer my question of the relationship. Right before going to sleep, I said "I want to just go ahead and get this finished, because I don't think we can fix it". He did not respond that night, but was awake all night. The next morning he said "Let me know when you want me out. I will get my clothes together and go." 

Before this I thought that maybe it was just an emotional affair and he has always said they are just friends that were in love for 4 years and he refuses to give up contact with her. 

We have been married for 30 years, a high school couple and my only partner sexually. Our marriage has never been a "soulmate" type relationship but I love him very much. I know that I have alot of personal issues and he does too. We do not communicate well, very few shared interests, really kind of opposites. He's extrovert, I am introvert and a worrier with low self-esteem.

I am so confused about what to do from here. He will be home from a daytrip today and because of Thanksgiving with family around, this will be our first time to talk since last week-ends confrontation.

Can anybody help a crazy, mixed up, "old married" woman. We have so many issues in this relationship that have not been dealt with. Is it too late and too hard to fix ???? Many thanks for you help!!!


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## YinPrincess

Trying2figureitout said:


> What does the emotional disconnection mean to you?


Emotional Disconnection to me means my heart and mind are shutting down, allowing feelings of resentment to replace feelings of love; motivation to make an effort of getting a result is dwindling... I care less and less and less.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Do you still love him? Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?


At the moment, "loving" feelings are lessening and becoming harder to cultivate. Anything could be temporary, or it could become permenant. Reciprocity, effort, compassion could help me to re-cultivate feelings of love and intimacy...



Trying2figureitout said:


> Do you want to stay married to him?


In our current state? No. If he and are both willing to make compromises and efforts to re-connect, re-establish any sort of intimacy, then yes. Being in an emotional void is torture...



Trying2figureitout said:


> Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?


Trying means putting myself out there, approaching him with areas of interest... being VULNERABLE in the face of possible rejection, (which I'm so used to by now), and talking about things that are difficult, hurtful, unresolved, etc. What he does to sabbatoge this is claim I'm 'trying to start a fight', criticize, 'I'm never happy', attack, 'and you're Miss Perfect'... 

He rolls his eyes, behaves like an annoyed child, refuses to listen. He dismisses EVERYTHING I say, or VALIDATES in a PATRONIZING, INSINCERE manner. He sends me away in tears and does nothing to see my INTENT. MY INTENT to RESOLVE, TALK OPENLY, BE VULNERABLE, TO INITIATE GROWTH between us... Usually only to be shot down... Leaving me nothing but my increasing hatred and hurt.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?


Not him, that's for sure. I have resources for emotional support and acceptance... I can get a "kind" of this reassurance I need from family and friends... But HE is the only one who can fulfill my emotional, romantic needs for acceptance and validation. Those needs are NOT currently being met. 



Trying2figureitout said:


> How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?


Sadly, we have spent more of our marriage in disconnect. There briefly was an amazing emotional, spiritual connection we had... at the beginning, before each of us let our true colors show through. The odds of reconnecting are good if that's what we want. What he often does is SAY he wants that, but makes absolutely no effort to achieve it.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?


He lied. He lied about lying. When I found out, he dismissed my concerns, played it off, invalidated me, then resorted to attacking me verbally and berating me. Since it continues, there has been much resentment and a feeling of isolation...

I simply cannot even TALK to him without him reacting negatively. He refuses to just listen, does not ask questions, can't NOT offer solutions, refuses to OWN up to his bit, and never JUST SAYS, "I UNDERSTAND". Sheesh is that too much to ask for???? 

At this point, the initial lies are actually the smallest, most insignificant problem we have. Every way he reacted about me knowing and confronting him has been the black hole we're caught in... 

One of the biggest things he does, that hurts me mortally, is that he shows no interest in me, my life, my feelings, etc.

He can read the same article about Dennis Rodman or Fredrick Lenz millions of times and still be so interested in them, but shows zero interest in me. I'm almost 5 months pregnant with his baby. He has shown no initiative to research pregnancy, fatherhood, etc. And in this time span he will spend hours reading celebrity gossip and news, sports scores, etc. STUFF THAT DOESN'T MATTER. During the first four months when I was ill, so ill I was even hospitalized, he never showed an interest or acted concerned about me or the baby. When we were in a car accident, all he cared about was the car being totalled.

I could have lost the baby. We could have died. But all he cared about was the car. I think if I had died, or we lost the baby he wouldn't have given it a second thought.

How I remain with him sometimes is beyond me.


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## Trying2figureitout

Stevie said:


> I am so sad today. My husband and I attended his high school reunion on Sat night and on the way home, I told him that his history with old girlfriend was something that I could not deal with anymore.
> 
> Over the past 5 years, I know that he has been in touch with this woman via phone, email, etc. She lives 2 states away from us and he admits that he has met her a couple of times when she comes back to our area. (her hometown). A few years ago I found a b-day card from her saying..."Love You, Nuff Said" with an old highschool picture enclosed. A few years ago he went to see his brother in the same state that she lives in. I found a hotel reservation (for the same week part of that week) for 2 nights in mini-suite in a totally opposite direction of his brother's town.. near where she lives . I have held onto that hotel info for several years and never said anything about it.
> 
> I can't seem to let go of this and know that we have become very emotionally withdrawn from each other.
> 
> Last Sat night, after seeing her at the reunion, I decided to confront him with the hotel reservation. The minute I said the name of the hotel, there was COMPLETE SILENCE!!!! All the way home...not a word. That just seemed to answer my question of the relationship. Right before going to sleep, I said "I want to just go ahead and get this finished, because I don't think we can fix it". He did not respond that night, but was awake all night. The next morning he said "Let me know when you want me out. I will get my clothes together and go."
> 
> Before this I thought that maybe it was just an emotional affair and he has always said they are just friends that were in love for 4 years and he refuses to give up contact with her.
> 
> We have been married for 30 years, a high school couple and my only partner sexually. Our marriage has never been a "soulmate" type relationship but I love him very much. I know that I have alot of personal issues and he does too. We do not communicate well, very few shared interests, really kind of opposites. He's extrovert, I am introvert and a worrier with low self-esteem.
> 
> I am so confused about what to do from here. He will be home from a daytrip today and because of Thanksgiving with family around, this will be our first time to talk since last week-ends confrontation.
> 
> Can anybody help a crazy, mixed up, "old married" woman. We have so many issues in this relationship that have not been dealt with. Is it too late and too hard to fix ???? Many thanks for you help!!!



If you are sure its a affair,,, Then you MUST insist for him to break any and all contact with the OW... You should contact her personally and tell her to stay away from ever contacting him again.

Then its time for a 180.

Let him earn you back.


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## LimboGirl

Trying2figureitout said:


> What does the emotional disconnection mean to you? Emotional disconnection is very painful for me. I'm the type of person who thinks I can fix things, so I deal with failure along with being emotionally raw. It is like not have enough air to breathe. I internalize things, so it affects my health. Do you still love him? I guess so. Do you feel its temporary? What would turn your emotions back on?
> 
> Do you want to stay married to him? Only if he addresses his issues, but at the rate this is taking I may be dead before he gets there.
> 
> Are YOU trying to re-connect? Yes What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)? I currently am taking the sex problems off the table. I have apologized for causing him pain by not always being sexually welcoming. Trying to actively be involved in our sex life.
> 
> Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from? My emotional needs haven't been met for years. This makes me have less physical needs.
> 
> How long has it been? What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?
> 
> Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did? For me it was big inconderations on his part, dishonesty, refusal to communicate, and boredom.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks just trying to see where my wife was the last two years. Thankfully she seems back.  Thank god!


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## ClosedOff

*What does the emotional disconnection mean to you?* 
To me it means I no longer invest myself in him emotionally. I don't feel loved or "heard" so I have shut down. 

*Do you still love him? *
Yes, I do. 

*Do you feel its temporary? * 
I hope so, but it feels like it's gotten worse over the nearly 4 years of our marriage.

*What would turn your emotions back on?*
I feel like I don't want much...maybe it is "much" but I don't feel like it. I want him to show me his heart, to actually share what is going on inside him instead of only small talk. I didn't think marriage was going to be like this! I also want him to *verbally* take an interest in my innermost thoughts and feelings. This means verbally trying to draw me out or ask leading questions--basically I want to be the center of attention once in awhile. Everyone wants a little attention...due to a neglectful childhood he has learned to turn off his need for attention...but he also treats others the same way because that is all he knows. Wish we could both turn ourselves back "on."

*Do you want to stay married to him?*
I won't lie, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone more passionate and loving. But, I don't see any way to go back and re-do, so I'm in this for the long haul.

*Are YOU trying to re-connect? What does 'trying' mean (My wife used that several times)?*
Trying to me means that you're mentally looking at the disconnect and trying something...anything to make a change in that. Trying to find out what he/she wants or needs from you. 
Am I trying? At this point, no. I gave up on trying. Maybe when I feel like I'm at a better place myself (less depressed) I will have the gumption to try again, but right now the stakes are too high (too much risk to me). It's easier to stay "numb".

*Where are you getting your emotional/physical needs from?*
Physical needs, from my husband, although not as often as I want, it's not too infrequent either. I'd say it's sort of like the minimum maintenance amount but not often enough to be deeply satisfying. 
Emotional needs, sad to say, somewhat getting met online. I'd like to say I'm not having an EA but I don't know if that's wholly true. In a lot of ways, my emotional needs are just going largely unmet.

*How long has it been? * 
Waxing and waning for a long time. 

*What are your odds at reconnecting with him at?*
I really don't know. I feel like my true desires are so "out there" or unattainable that I don't know if I'll really ever truly get connected with him in the first place. I think we have a good chance of some improvement though.

*Was it little resentments, mid-life reality, boredom or one big thing he did?*
Mostly just little resentments. I think a lot of it is his issues combined with my issues make for a lot of problems. He feels, to me, largely emotionally unavailable. I had an emotionally unavailable dad. (Go figure! Ugh) So when hubby is in shutdown mode it exacerbates an existing wound I have. Plus I struggle with self-esteem and a harsh/condemning self-image. So lack of affection outside the bedroom makes me feel ugly and abandoned. 
There is also an element of boredom as hubby is a very dispassionate person and I am finding that I want a more exciting life. Being a stay at home mom is not all that it was cracked up to be. 


Trying2figureitout, good luck to you, and if you all have any pointers for me, I'm listening.


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## jsheffield1986

I know this is an old thread, but I'll leave my little bit of "insight". My husband and I have only been married 5 years. However, in that short time frame we have been through so much. Early on, I got pregnant. At 8 weeks pregnant I discovered my husband was planning on meeting someone online (he knew her personally and had been having an internet relationship for years). When I confronted him he tried to lie his way out of it until I told him I spoke to her. She told me he tried to claim I was "some psycho he met at a party and accidentally got knocked up".....he was 9 years her senior at the time.....While in the midst of this coming to light I also found out that my husband was a cross dresser. OK, there's more.....:scratchhead:...then I found out he was also bisexual ....and, that he was a pornography addict ....and not like regular run of the mill porn....like hardcore knock out type porn...hypno porn as well. ok, porn is porn whatever....when I'm not around or he's gone away for something then fine, but I don't want it to be a daily part of our lives. After 5 years we still have sex every single day. I'm sorry guys, if you're getting it when you want it what do you need the porn for??? 
Regardless, I accepted all the things that I knew about him and let him know what I was going to be able to live with and what I wasn't. I didn't want the porn around while we were together (we're military and away from each other a lot). When he's gone fine, cool take your 1 terabit hard drive with you. (I'll never understand how anyone needs that much). I accepted that hey, sometimes he likes to wear women's panty's under his jeans...cool...have at it...it doesn't have anything to do with me and our family and as long as our 3 boys don't know or ever find out cool where what you want how you want. More power to you. Being bisexual ...ok no judgement here I was for a long time....I can't point fingers. BUT I'm married and so is he so no extra marital affairs .....sorry. He insists on having a "3 sum" with another female.....I don't want to because he's my spouse ....I don't want to share him and don't want to be shared. BUT I've agreed to please him....hasn't happened as of yet ....I've accepted so much and bury so much of myself away so that I don't make him feel awkward or insecure. But it's always a problem that I don't like the porn. He continuously stares at other women (we live in Norway if that tells you anything). and I don't mean the innocent glance because you notice someone is beautiful or shapely. I mean the dead stare that interrupts sentences. I understand men do it. They can't help it....but when you're with your wife....respect her enough to at least TRY to curve that need to watch. He continuously lies to me about porn and hides it. He treats me like I'm dumb until I let him know he forgot to close one of the porn windows he left open....then goes on and on about how I don't trust him....well duh! How can you trust someone who continuously lies to your face about everything. My husband is also a sociopath. The only emotion he processes is anger. He goes through the motions of trying to make me feel loved by telling me he loves me, but that's as far as it goes. Most of the time he treats me like I'm not even wanted near him. If I try to hug him or anything like that just passing by in the kitchen he tries to dodge me and tells me he's trying to do something. 
So, after 5 years of trying to tip toe around my husbands needs and feelings I guess I just got tired of ignoring my own. When you spend SO LONG trying to hold up an entire marriage while the other person could care less it just gets exhausting and eventually you just can't carry that load anymore. I haven't meant to check out....but I have. I still get hurt by his actions, but I have 3 small boys. I don't have time to worry about him. I love my husband more than anything (next to my children of course), but sometimes giving someone everything you have can all but kill you inside. I was once a very happy person that everyone enjoyed being around. I could have had the worst day of my life and no one would know because I was just a happy go lucky person who loved life. Now, I'm just a hollow shell. I love my children and literally live for them now. I would give anything to have my marriage be....normal...with normal problems and normal fights....not perfect....just normal.


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