# Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save M



## feight (Jul 21, 2014)

*Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save M*

Wife moved out about a month ago. She is extremely unhappy and said we will divorce. Two years ago we were separated as well, and got back together. Her thinking is she has tried, there is no more she can give, so I should let her go. (last time I moved in with some relatives).

She says she loves me and I believe her. No infidelity, abuse, etc. 

Instead of begging, pleading, saying I'd change, etc this time around, I let her move out. I really do want her to be happy and she clearly isn't. I understand arguing won't help so it's a version of the 180.

She has removed her wedding ring and started to prepare papers. She doesn't want me to fight. When she asked if I was going to fight her, and I said "this will end in divorce" she was relieved. 

She doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I definitely don't want it to end in divorce, I just am more realistic that this is not about me and she believes she wants a divorce. 

As hard as my wife has been fighting to "change" me, I now understand this is about her, her unhappiness, and her trust issues. The marriage may contribute to her unhappiness, but her inability to trust others is the reason she is unhappy I believe. Her biological dad left when she was a young kid and I think it goes back to that.

She doesn't know exactly why he left and even though her step dad is great, I think the uncertainty on her bio dad makes her long for a fantasy life.

A counselor once told me she would leave or threat to leave because deep down she was afraid I would leave first.

Every few years, she searches for the next new thing in her life. She'll change jobs, moves, etc. We broke up when we were dating and she said she thought 100% we were done. 2 years ago we separated and although emotionally I think she left a little hope then, she acted like she was 100% done.

It is fair to say I am her best friend. She doesn't have a lot of friends because of her trust issues.

It may scare her to death but I think there is more to give. She need to look at why she is so unhappy and fleeing things in her life. No one in her family, including me, has ever had the balls to tell her to look within and figure out what she is after.

She is super accomplished despite all of this. An amazing person. 

Not that there aren't other issues besides her trust in our marriage (our sex life is a zero because of performance issues on my part and that is something she wants and she is in that crucial child bearing age). She thinks my job comes before her (I now put that into her trust issues as well, nothing is good enough).

She thinks this will be all wrapped up quickly. In my state I think it can be done in a few months.

She has some proposed divorce papers and an agreement. She wants the first part back from me by the end of the week. I want a different marriage, but I don't want a divorce, and know not to just argue with her but now am stuck.


No kids. With the divorce she wants her basic financial support for a few years (alimony even though not required) from me. Financial security is one of her weak points.

Is this where I make a stand and try and point out a lot of this is about her and she needs to find out why she is unhappy and address her trust issues? How do I agree to a divorce without wanting one? I don't like the language in there that essentially says irreconciable differences. She does not want to give more to the marriage (ie religious component, address our sexual problems) and thinks she has given all she can, but this fits her pattern of looking for the next better thing. Do I point any of this out?

I think she thinks we'll be friends after this. She says she wants me to remarry, etc. 

I have no idea how to proceed. I want to work on our marriage and not have any regrets that I just let her go. The relief when I said "this will end in divorce" troubles me. This will end in divorce is different from should end in divorce.

Even if it doesn't workout I do care for her and do want her to be happy. She won't find happiness unless she gets to some of her bigger issues. So if I made some sort of stand or suggested she address some of this other stuff, maybe she would get help for her own sake down the road if there is no us.

But I want there to be an us and and wondering how to deal with the divorce papers. Wish my state had more of a waiting period.

Any help would be appreciated.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

How many times have you been separated in your relationship? What have you two done to actually resolve the issues that have caused the separations in the past? What have you done to work on the issues that she's currently referring to?

Pointing out "her issues" won't get you far, I don't think. Suggesting that the two of you get individual counseling and/or marriage counseling may get you farther. But if she's not willing to work on the issues in your marriage, it's just a matter of time before she files. I'd suggest looking into the "180" that's discussed in here on many separation/divorce threads. Start working on yourself and getting yourself into a healthy place to move on. If she decides to join you later, great. If not, you'll be ok too. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## feight (Jul 21, 2014)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*



PBear said:


> How many times have you been separated in your relationship? What have you two done to actually resolve the issues that have caused the separations in the past? What have you done to work on the issues that she's currently referring to?
> 
> Pointing out "her issues" won't get you far, I don't think. Suggesting that the two of you get individual counseling and/or marriage counseling may get you farther. But if she's not willing to work on the issues in your marriage, it's just a matter of time before she files. I'd suggest looking into the "180" that's discussed in here on many separation/divorce threads. Start working on yourself and getting yourself into a healthy place to move on. If she decides to join you later, great. If not, you'll be ok too.
> 
> ...


We broke up once while dating and she said we were 100% done. Separated two years ago and now this. 

Up until this point we always operated that I needed to change but I see now much of it is her own issues. I don't need to point out she has issues but can do more of the 180 and point out that the marriage will fail if only one party is working at it and their own issues. Be more matter of fact and say that is why marriage is ending and not irreconciable differences as she wants in the legal papers. I don't want that and feel I can point that out and look strong and not like an ass? Do you agree?


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

Me personally, I wouldnt give her a dime if she divorces you. Whatever you do, do not beg her to stay. Tell her you love her and hope she finds happyness and leave it at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

I think it would be irreconcilable differences, but it really doesn't matter to anyone (besides maybe the two of you) what goes in that box. The legal system is going to treat it the same way, unless infidelity is an issue and it matters in your area. So is it worth it to right about the terminology?

Speaking of that... Have you got a lawyer?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## feight (Jul 21, 2014)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*



PBear said:


> I think it would be irreconcilable differences, but it really doesn't matter to anyone (besides maybe the two of you) what goes in that box. The legal system is going to treat it the same way, unless infidelity is an issue and it matters in your area. So is it worth it to right about the terminology?
> 
> Speaking of that... Have you got a lawyer?
> 
> ...


I don't have a lawyer. I'm not out to screw her financially.

I'm not going to beg her to stay. I do love her. She says she loves me.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

Whether you want the divorce is unfortunately irrelevant. She wants it, she will get it. Your best bet is to discuss your divorce situation with an attorney and find out from the legal business end of things what you really are going to be responsible for. 

You cant fix her problems and she is unwilling. Most of what she is saying right now is just the nonsense talk where she is talking but not really saying anything. She wont listen to you telling her she has issues at this point. She seems convinced that divorce is her answer to all her problems.

The reason for divorce is almost always the ever encompassing irreconcilable differences and hoping to get a true answer will never happen and the more you push the harder it will ever be for you to find out. Your best shot right now is standing strong, work on yourself and let her realize quickly what life is without you. Her view of things may change then.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*



feight said:


> I don't have a lawyer. I'm not out to screw her financially.
> 
> I'm not going to beg her to stay. I do love her. She says she loves me.


You don't need a lawyer to "screw her financially". You need a lawyer to protect yourself. And around here, you need a lawyer before any agreement can be finalized, as each party needs "independent legal counsel". 

In any case, as I said... It really doesn't matter to anyone besides you and her what you put in that little box for "reasons for divorce". If you want to argue about that, feel free. But don't think that she's going to magically see the light about the errors in her ways just because you point it out now. 

C


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*



feight said:


> As hard as my wife has been fighting to "change" me, I now understand this is about her, her unhappiness, and her trust issues. The marriage may contribute to her unhappiness, but her inability to trust others is the reason she is unhappy I believe. Her biological dad left when she was a young kid and I think it goes back to that.
> 
> ...
> Not that there aren't other issues besides her trust in our marriage (our sex life is a zero because of performance issues on my part and that is something she wants and she is in that crucial child bearing age). She thinks my job comes before her (I now put that into her trust issues as well, nothing is good enough).


The sex is zero and from her perspective your job comes before her. She wanted you to change but you refused and attribute your M problems to her childhood issues. Hmmm...

Ask her if she would be willing to attend this with you before proceeding with the D: Marriage Help Program For Couples


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

Hmm, your sex life is zero because of performance issues on your part but her unhappiness is her problem? Really? Cmon guys, if genders were reversed you'd be all over that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## feight (Jul 21, 2014)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*



Blonde said:


> Ask her if she would be willing to attend this with you before proceeding with the D: Marriage Help Program For Couples


I thought the whole point was not to beg or plead?

She has said she does not want to talk to the priest who married us but I am going to contact him on my own. Not to force her to go to counseling, but to speak to him on my own. She'll know about it, but I wasn't going to ask her to talk to him as she indicated that was useless.



lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, your sex life is zero because of performance issues on your part but her unhappiness is her problem? Really? Cmon guys, if genders were reversed you'd be all over that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree 100% with what you are saying. I am definitely not without fault here. I do not mean to say her childhood issues are the only cause of the problems in our marriage. I have contributed my fair share. (I think the lack of sex is a major reason she is leaving. She won't say that however.) The difference is I have been looking hard at myself and trying to improve. Let's put the issues on the table and discuss them.

When everything is framed as what is wrong with me instead of what is wrong with us I don't think we have a chance. Both people have to be willing to work at the marriage and themselves.

My wife does have serious trust issues and people are constantly letting her down. When everyone is letting you down, it's not always them, sometimes you need to look internally. She has a pattern of moving on to new things every few years. 

With this separation I realize that I let the debate be framed "what was wrong with me" instead of "what was wrong with us." That was my fault.


----------



## feight (Jul 21, 2014)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

I'm trying to see what happened. I replied to this thread but I don't see the post. I think it said something about my post having to be moderated?


----------



## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

*Re: Separated, W Wants Divorce, Told W "this will end in divorce", but I want to save*

I think the site is playing up for some reason. I did notice myself.


----------

