# Here is what I think



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

In regards to my LD wife and the proverbial LD/HD relationship. 
I am certain there exists HD/HD and LD/LD relationships that are happy. How many, I don't know.
Most people here are in LD/HD relationships and the male or female could be either or.

The main point I want to address is that I believe the HD partner must try to think about their LD partner in this way: 

What if your LD partner all off a sudden became HD. Not just any HD, but a raging porn star, "I have to have it every day" kind of HD. From the male perspective (because I am a man) what if my wife greeted me every day in lingerie begging to suck my c$ck as if it were a glass of water she needed to survive on. You may say "wonderful". Yes, but for how long? If my wife did this day in and day out, begged me for sex, acted as if she could not live without it, it would eventually drive me crazy. I remember reading a post somewhere (not here) where this guy was complaining that his wife would CONSTANTLY suck his c$ck. He could not watch tv without her sucking. Every single day. He would sit down and she would suck. It drove him nuts and he did not know what to do about it.

I believe our LD partners think about us HD folks in that way. We are constantly either overtly or covertly thinking or asking for sex. Even if it is not spoken, I believe the LD partner can SENSE that the HD partner wants it all the time. If they are not actively asking for sex, they are thinking about it.

What to do? I believe the HD partner has to somehow temporarily become a contented lower drive partner to naturally boost the LD persons drive.
Who wants to be a member of a club that is begging for your membership on a daily basis? That's how our LD partners feel. They feel constant pressure to either perform more frequently, with enthusiasm and with variety, now! 

If we HD minions can somehow control our urges I believe it is possible to change the LD person to more closely match our drive. I love cars and I own several. However, if I had a garage with 1,000 cars, all restored and in perfect running order, I believe I would get bored with the whole idea. There is no novelty in that. There is no excitement in that. We must learn to be content in and of ourselves and lower our drives short term. Not a manipulation tool, but a genuine effort in being able to control our desires and not project an air of desperation. What partner would enjoy another that is "desperate" for their attention, sexual or otherwise? In the short term you would say yes, indefinitely, it would drive one insane.

The only caveat to this situation is having the HD genuinely control his or her desire, be content and strong in himself /herself and in time the LD partner becomes completely content with no sex. That, IMO, would NOW require the HD partner to leave.

Just my thoughts.

Edit: IMPORTANT: you may say "I've already done this" Have your REALLY? I'm not talking about "fake" manipulation. I'm talking about REALLY being content with little to no sex for a time.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think your theory has some validity. Certainly if you are capable of lowering your expectations and being reasonably happy with it, that's a good thing and will bring much needed peace to the household.

I realize your theory is written with a particular goal in mind, but I will comment on the LD point of view. They have to know at some level that marriage involves sex and often frequent sex. That's one of the values of statistics and 'what is normal'. A lot of people will say 'yes, but what is normal should be what the couple agree on'. Fine. But in LD/HD the couples do NOT agree. So, what I am saying is there is an average out there. You do not have to adhere to it. But most people I'm sure are at least vaguely aware of it (2-3 times a week or whatever).

The LD spouse either suppresses this information, denies it, lies about it, quotes annecdotes, whatever, or deals with it. I'm not bashing LD spouses. It maybe who they are. It doesn't make them bad. It does, however if they don't deal with it somehow when they are ignoring their spouses. 

So. At some level they are in denial if they continue to refuse to compromise. They have no grounds to justify their behavior if there is no abuse or other serious marital issues.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> The LD spouse either suppresses this information, denies it, lies about it, quotes annecdotes, whatever, or deals with it.


Yes, 
My theory deals with the "why" part. My contention is that the HD's perceived desperation from the LD "may" be the cause of the LD. Now, this may or may not be true. It may be true for some LD's but not others. 
In my relationship, if I genuinely do not project my desperation regarding sex, it raises my wifes drive.
If I genuinely continue in this vein my LD wife seems to "want" sex once per week or two. I am happier with twice a week. 

I believe if I were able to project a completely content non-desperate need for sex, I could up that desire in my wife.

The difficult part is "projecting a TRUE non needy non desperate desire for sex. I can do it, but it is VERY difficult and cannot be sustained for a long period of time. (at the moment)


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

UMP said:


> If we HD minions can somehow control our urges I believe it is possible to change the LD person to more closely match our drive. .


I think that I disagree that the LD spouse should learn to control urges. As I have said before, I believe LD people are those that don't want to have sex because they know they can get away with it and like to be able to "control" the amount of sex they have to "give" their spouse. Without ways to stop this, the LD person will continue that way.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't like the designations LD and HD. One who serially refuses sex to their spouse isn't LD they are engaging in abusive conduct. One who has a normal sex drive isn't HD. They are just normal humans. I suspect if people were honestly polled those who serially deny sex to their partners probably deny them most everything else that reasonable people expect from a married partner. Those who are selfish in one aspect of their lives are most likely exhibiting selfishness in most other areas of their lives.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> I don't like the designations LD and HD. One who serially refuses sex to their spouse isn't LD they are engaging in abusive conduct. One who has a normal sex drive isn't HD. They are just normal humans. I suspect if people were honestly polled those who serially deny sex to their partners probably deny them most everything else that reasonable people expect from a married partner. Those who are selfish in one aspect of their lives are most likely exhibiting selfishness in most other areas of their lives.


My wife is LD and is not selfish in any other aspect of her life.
In fact, she is the most selfless person I know.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I think that I disagree that the LD spouse should learn to control urges. As I have said before, I believe LD people are those that don't want to have sex because they know they can get away with it and like to be able to "control" the amount of sex they have to "give" their spouse. Without ways to stop this, the LD person will continue that way.


My contention is that the LD may be that way because they are overwhelmed by the HD partners incessant desire for sex. At least it is a possibility.
Your theory is also possible, but I believe in the minority.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You can call LD people selfish, and you can call HD people selfish. But it does not achieve much. They are selfish if they continue disregard their partner's need as unimportant. LD may need to feel loved and secure. HD must feel that their partnercares about them enough to mert them halfway at least.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

UMP said:


> IMPORTANT: you may say "I've already done this" Have your REALLY? I'm not talking about "fake" manipulation. I'm talking about REALLY being content with little to no sex for a time.


I can tell you what happened for me. I swore off engaging in any sexual persuit of my spouse for almost a year. In every other way, our relationship remained normal. I was the dutiful partner that I have always tried to be. We held hands, we talked, we laughed, we snuggled (some).

The reason I was able to do this was I finally decided the pain of the pursuit was more than the pain of abstinence. I was only able to maintain that for about 10 months before the urges returned, but for 10 months she had peace, and another 2 or 3 months of me just sucking it up.

The result? She told me the past year of our marriage, with no sexual contact at all, has been the best she can remember.

Your milage may vary.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

CopperTop said:


> I can tell you what happened for me. I swore off engaging in any sexual persuit of my spouse for almost a year. In every other way, our relationship remained normal. I was the dutiful partner that I have always tried to be. We held hands, we talked, we laughed, we snuggled (some).
> 
> The reason I was able to do this was I finally decided the pain of the pursuit was more than the pain of abstinence. I was only able to maintain that for about 10 months before the urges returned, but for 10 months she had peace, and another 2 or 3 months of me just sucking it up.
> 
> ...


I am genuinely sorry for your situation. I personally could not live indefinitely in that atmosphere. I hate to say this, but after reading the description of your marriage reality, I would leave.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Yup *this* is the problem. 

In many cases the LD person does not want sex. They just don't. The hope that their HD partner will lose interest with the same intensity that the HD partner hopes that the LD partner will gain it.




CopperTop said:


> I can tell you what happened for me. I swore off engaging in any sexual persuit of my spouse for almost a year. In every other way, our relationship remained normal. I was the dutiful partner that I have always tried to be. We held hands, we talked, we laughed, we snuggled (some).
> 
> The reason I was able to do this was I finally decided the pain of the pursuit was more than the pain of abstinence. I was only able to maintain that for about 10 months before the urges returned, but for 10 months she had peace, and another 2 or 3 months of me just sucking it up.
> 
> ...


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

UMP... I like your theory. And your analogies. And it might work if the HD lowered their expectations a bit, and the LD stepped up to offer more.

However, my experience (and I believe the experience of many here) is that the LDs never really do the "stepping up." They simply don't. Not all LDs, but most.

And therein lies the problem. So in the end, it's all an exercise in futility.

(So you end up restoring more cars to take your mind off of it... And you end up with 1,000 cars .)


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's important to remember that sexual drive can be fluid and as such can ebb and flow. I've had periods where I wanted a lot and other times where I didn't want much. And as a women I ebb and flow with monthly hormones as well. 

My hb is not especially hd as he's getting a little older, but we manage 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it's a quick release for us and other times it's more imvolved. I seldom turn him down and always enjoy the intimacy but the raw desire isn't always there. That's life. It would be exhausting to me to have a hb pestering me for sex every day, and frankly it would taint every interaction because I'd always feel pressure for sex. This would likely kill any desire I might have had. And I'd seldom enjoy any of it because I'd never have a chance to recharge. So anyone that wants to throw out the selfish charge might consider this because there's an argument to be made for hd's being selfish from this perspective. 

Life and marriage is all about compromise. You consider me, I consider you, and in the end we both get something we can live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Yup *this* is the problem.
> 
> In many cases the LD person does not want sex. They just don't. The hope that their HD partner will lose interest with the same intensity that the HD partner hopes that the LD partner will gain it.


I always think there is a "cause" for every "action." I think it is fair for the LD partner not to be bombarded with high sexual expectations. Therefore, I believe trying my theory might be useful. If it does not work, at least you can check off one more "it's not that" box.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

UMP said:


> I am genuinely sorry for your situation. I personally could not live indefinitely in that atmosphere. I hate to say this, but after reading the description of your marriage reality, I would leave.


Let me add, because I forgot to put in my original entry, after I stopped the pursuit, things got better. A lot better. She was less prickly, more approachable, more touchy/feely/snugglely, more everything I would want... with the exception of more sexual.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> UMP... I like your theory. And your analogies. And it might work if the HD lowered their expectations a bit, and the LD stepped up to offer more.
> 
> However, my experience (and I believe the experience of many here) is that the LDs never really do the "stepping up." They simply don't. Not all LDs, but most.
> 
> ...


But have the HD folks "really" become that self reliant, independent, content, non-needy person? It's one of hardest things I've had to do in my life and I only succeed partially.
I just think it's worth a try. I believe it has worked/working for my relationship.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

UMP said:


> My contention is that the LD may be that way because they are overwhelmed by the HD partners incessant desire for sex. At least it is a possibility.
> Your theory is also possible, but I believe in the minority.


I agree, but not entirely. Men and women were made to have sex with each other... bottom line. When you deviate from that, you get problems. If the LD's would do what they are supposed to, they would have to "put up" with the constant requests for sex. Also, giving the LD's permission to continue to be that way only makes the problems worse. Our society does not provide for consequences to LD's for not carrying out their martial responsibilities.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It would be exhausting to me to have a hb pestering me for sex every day, and frankly it would taint every interaction because I'd always feel pressure for sex. This would likely kill any desire I might have had. And I'd seldom enjoy any of it because I'd never have a chance to recharge. So anyone that wants to throw out the selfish charge might consider this because there's an argument to be made for hd's being selfish from this perspective.


This is the exact argument I get. I'M the selfish one. I'M trying to force her to do things she doesn't want to do.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's important to remember that sexual drive can be fluid and as such can ebb and flow. I've had periods where I wanted a lot and other times where I didn't want much. And as a women I ebb and flow with monthly hormones as well.
> 
> My hb is not especially hd as he's getting a little older, but we manage 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it's a quick release for us and other times it's more imvolved. I seldom turn him down and always enjoy the intimacy but the raw desire isn't always there. That's life. It would be exhausting to me to have a hb pestering me for sex every day, and frankly it would taint every interaction because I'd always feel pressure for sex. This would likely kill any desire I might have had. And I'd seldom enjoy any of it because I'd never have a chance to recharge. So anyone that wants to throw out the selfish charge might consider this because there's an argument to be made for hd's being selfish from this perspective.
> 
> ...


I think many HD husbands are like this (always pushing for sex). I know I "was" like this and I believe it's a major factor as to why my wife is LD. It's something I have to work at daily. I'm great the day after we have sex, then the desire comes back and I need to control it. If not and my wife senses my desperation, she gets turned off.

One interesting tidbit. I had asked my wife to initiate sex every once in a while. She thought about that for a few days and said to me "you know why I don't initiate? Because you never give me enough time to." That's a telling statement.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I agree, but not entirely. Men and women were made to have sex with each other... bottom line. When you deviate from that, you get problems. If the LD's would do what they are supposed to, they would have to "put up" with the constant requests for sex. Also, giving the LD's permission to continue to be that way only makes the problems worse. Our society does not provide for consequences to LD's for not carrying out their martial responsibilities.


That's very interesting, especially the part about "consequences to LD's for not carrying out their marital responsibilities." The sex police:smthumbup: We can only hope.

Let me ask you a question. If your wife begged to give you a bj every day for the rest of your life, would you like that?
Every day, day in day out, regardless of what is happening in your life. You just had a friend die and you are driving to the funeral and your wife is slobbering. "honey, I know you're upset about your friend but I have to blow you right now. They won't see us in the car. Here, let me unzip those pants. Give it to me now!"

Is that cool with you? Every day sans exception. "I can't live without it, give it to me, now."


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

When I was married, there were many years where we were having sex - on average - 5 times per week. Sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more. My husband was, however, still asking, pestering, and pouting for sex often enough that I would guess I was turning him down probably 75% of the time or more. Honestly, I found his continual pressure for more to be smothering and exhausting. It was a turn-off. If sex is a near-daily occurrence, and the HD is still pressing for more almost constantly, it's going to begin to feel oppressive to the lower drive partner. 

I don't think the answer is for the HD partner to completely suppress their own needs. But I do think the goal should be to work toward a mutually pleasing compromise. Which is likely to mean that the HD has less sex than their ideal and the LD has more. Failure to reach a workable compromise would be a sign that professional help from a MC or the like would be in order. Failure of either party to even consider _the need _for a workable compromise would be, at least to me, a sign that a divorce was in order.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

UMP said:


> I think many HD husbands are like this (always pushing for sex). I know I "was" like this and I believe it's a major factor as to why my wife is LD. It's something I have to work at daily. I'm great the day after we have sex, then the desire comes back and I need to control it. If not and my wife senses my desperation, she gets turned off.
> 
> One interesting tidbit. I had asked my wife to initiate sex every once in a while. She thought about that for a few days and said to me "you know why I don't initiate? Because you never give me enough time to." That's a telling statement.


Everyone's different, but for me I get antsy after about a week and will initiate. Early in the month after my cycle I'll initiate sooner. If he gave me two days and then cracked I probably wouldn't have initiated.

This is why I like scheduled sex. Then everyone knows what to expect and the pressure is off. Sometimes hb will tell me that saturday morning he's going to bend me over. That's hot and we both know Saturdays on. If I know that won't work I'll tell him that it won't work but Sunday I'll deal with him. He knows what that means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is a situation in which scheduling sex may be the answer. Schedule it to happen once a week, twice a week, every other day, or any other fixed schedule that you can agree on. Then the LD partner doesn't have to worry about being "pestered" the rest of the time.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> :rofl: I've told my husband the exact same thing.
> 
> But, I'm a situational LD--I have a lower drive than my husband, but I don't have a low drive. So, compromising in our regard is much easier than an HD who wants it 7 times a week and an LD who is good with once a month. The compromise there is much larger and it seems that one or the other always feels the stress of the mismatch.


Good point, the differential is important. An every day and a once a month person will have a much harder time then an every day and a few times a week person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

UMP said:


> My wife is LD and is not selfish in any other aspect of her life.
> In fact, she is the most selfless person I know.


If she is trying, then she is not selfish in my view.

It's only when and if she's not trying to please you.
God bless the LD/HD the same. We're all different.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

UMP said:


> That's very interesting, especially the part about "consequences to LD's for not carrying out their marital responsibilities." The sex police:smthumbup: We can only hope.
> 
> Let me ask you a question. If your wife begged to give you a bj every day for the rest of your life, would you like that?
> Every day, day in day out, regardless of what is happening in your life. You just had a friend die and you are driving to the funeral and your wife is slobbering. "honey, I know you're upset about your friend but I have to blow you right now. They won't see us in the car. Here, let me unzip those pants. Give it to me now!"
> ...


I don't know, but I would like to give it a try. At the very least, I think it would make being miserable easier to tolerate.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

CopperTop said:


> I don't know, but I would like to give it a try. At the very least, I think it would make being miserable easier to tolerate.


Good point. If you get a chance, watch the old Twilight Zone episode called "The Chaser"
It might give you a better understanding of what I'm trying to say. 
Not saying you don't understand, but that Twilight Zone episode might give you a different slant on the matter.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I think the approach makes sense as a short term measure (maybe a couple of months) to take the pressure off and allow a reset.

However, longer term I do not see how it is feasible. I don't really see how you can supress these desires for very long or why one should even have to do that.

Personally, I would love to have a relationship with a woman who begged for d*ck daily. Had that once before and dropped that girl because I found talking to her boring. But talking is overrated.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

People are making a good point about being hounded for sex.

If I was a LD dude, the last thing I would want is for her to hound me twice every day like UMP is talking about for a bj. The higher drive person cannot badger the lower drive person. Not only does it not work, its' a turn-off and builds huge resentment. If the lower drive person is just that and not a control freak or has a hidden agenda, then they must be treated respectfully, carefully with love and attention to THEIR needs.

as an aside to UMP's example of the badgered guy, I recall a small flurry of dudes on this site about a year or so ago that were exactly that. Regular guys that loved sex, liked it often, but their extreme high drive wives wanted it multiple times a day, every day, in the middle of the night, no sleep, get home, no time to relax, she jumps on you...........you get the idea.

The guy commented everybody thinks it looks great on the outside looking in, but he said this is no joke. NOT funny!


----------



## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

OP, your analogy of the sexomaniac spouse is invalid in a LD / HD scenario. An HD (or perhaps we should introduce the term ND for Normal Desire) spouse might "appear" like a sexomaniac (I also think this should be formally defined as a new word) by an LD spouse, but they are wrong.

A better analogy.....

A husband and wife start a trek across the Sahara desert. After a while, the wife confiscates all the water for herself. Her husband, thirsty, asks for a drink. She refuses. After a while, he's really fricking thirsty and a little frustrated.  "I'm not inclined to want to give you a drink when you're being rude to me", says the wife. The thirsty husband tries playing along, and the wife gives him a small drink from a sippy cup. A while later he's thirsty again. "Will you stop pestering me!", demands the wife.

Try telling that man not to think about water. Try telling him that if only he stops his demands his wife might feel compelled to give him a drink now and then. She may, she may not.

The problem, I think, is not even the HD / LD gap, it's the lack of accountability on denying spouse. You simply can't expect a thirsty man to stop thinking about water. And to ask him to earn his water is simply degrading.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

UMP said:


> That's very interesting, especially the part about "consequences to LD's for not carrying out their marital responsibilities." The sex police:smthumbup: We can only hope.
> 
> Let me ask you a question. If your wife begged to give you a bj every day for the rest of your life, would you like that?
> Every day, day in day out, regardless of what is happening in your life. You just had a friend die and you are driving to the funeral and your wife is slobbering. "honey, I know you're upset about your friend but I have to blow you right now. They won't see us in the car. Here, let me unzip those pants. Give it to me now!"
> ...


I definitely like your questions and your thoughts. I would rather her ask me all the time continuously, even when obviously unappropriate rather than being completely sexless. If only this would actually happen!!

People these days are light on taking on responsibilities and actually doing them, there's an out clause for everything so therefore noone has to be committed to anything. Both men and women have the right to expect certain obvious things in a marriage and if you don't get them you should be able to nullify the "marriage contract" without penalty.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

CopperTop said:


> I can tell you what happened for me. I swore off engaging in any sexual persuit of my spouse for almost a year. In every other way, our relationship remained normal. I was the dutiful partner that I have always tried to be. We held hands, we talked, we laughed, we snuggled (some).
> 
> The reason I was able to do this was I finally decided the pain of the pursuit was more than the pain of abstinence. I was only able to maintain that for about 10 months before the urges returned, but for 10 months she had peace, and another 2 or 3 months of me just sucking it up.
> 
> ...


Good point.

The LD spouse may grow to believe you should be fine with no or little sex the longer you let this go on.

I wonder if behind this approach there is some lingering sense that the desire for sex is shameful and it is appropriate to suppress.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> Good point.
> 
> The LD spouse may grow to believe you should be fine with no or little sex the longer you let this go on.
> 
> I wonder if behind this approach there is some lingering sense that the desire for sex is shameful and it is appropriate to suppress.


No, not shameful at all. I'm actually proud of my high desire at 53. I think it's quite normal.

What I am trying to do is simply place myself in my wifes LD shoes for while to try to understand WHY. I might indeed be wrong at my conclusion, but trying to understand why is my goal.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I think the bottom line is that HD's want the LD's to simply "want them."
Like the old song says "I want you to want me."

Problem is, you cannot force anyone to "want" you. Either they do or they don't. The burning question is, assuming there was a point in time when this was fact, why has the "want" disappeared?

My theory is probably one of a thousand trying to answer this question. I believe my wife does respond positively to it's implementation. If I were only a soulless automaton, I could gain ground a bit faster.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

UMP said:


> One interesting tidbit. I had asked my wife to initiate sex every once in a while. She thought about that for a few days and said to me "you know why I don't initiate? Because you never give me enough time to." That's a telling statement.


Blame-shifting


----------



## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

UMP said:


> I think the bottom line is that HD's want the LD's to simply "want them."
> Like the old song says "I want you to want me."
> 
> Problem is, you cannot force anyone to "want" you. Either they do or they don't. The burning question is, assuming there was a point in time when this was fact, why has the "want" disappeared?
> ...


Bingo. Ideally, you want them to "want" to be with you out of a burning sense of desire. But frankly, when an LD spouse is aware of how good sex can make their partner feel, and how bad a lack of sex can make their partner feel, and yet that still doesn't generate enough emotion in them to "want" to have sex simply out of a desire to have a happy, loving spouse.....what does that tell you? It tells me they don't care. Yes, that sounds bitter, but sometimes the simplest reason is the correct one.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> People are making a good point about being hounded for sex.
> 
> If I was a LD dude, the last thing I would want is for her to hound me twice every day like UMP is talking about for a bj. The higher drive person cannot badger the lower drive person. Not only does it not work, its' a turn-off and builds huge resentment. If the lower drive person is just that and not a control freak or has a hidden agenda, then they must be treated respectfully, carefully with love and attention to THEIR needs.
> 
> ...


This may not be a joke. But I can tell you from experience that having no sex is no joke either. Given a choice I think I would rather have his problem than mine.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

hubbydude said:


> Bingo. Ideally, you want them to "want" to be with you out of a burning sense of desire. But frankly, when an LD spouse is aware of how good sex can make their partner feel, and how bad a lack of sex can make their partner feel, and yet that still doesn't generate enough emotion in them to "want" to have sex simply out of a desire to have a happy, loving spouse.....what does that tell you? It tells me they don't care. Yes, that sounds bitter, but sometimes the simplest reason is the correct one.


Or, said act is so utterly repulsive to them, they cannot bring themselves to "do" it.
That's a scary thought!


----------



## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> One who has a normal sex drive isn't HD. They are just normal humans. I suspect if people were honestly polled those who serially deny sex to their partners probably deny them most everything else that reasonable people expect from a married partner.


We agree on much and disagree on little but I was poking on line and came across this ...

"Marriage sex experts estimate that one out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire"

This quote is from this webpage third paragraph of which I have read all the books by this author twice and was disappointed the second time. 

First time I was introduced to sex starvation and the second time I went back to look for solutions which were weak at best and unworkable as it requires cooperation from an uninterested LD 

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems Sex Quiz with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UMP/OP, I am going to go all David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage) on you. There is no such thing in an absolute sense as LD and HD. There is not minimum number of times to have sex a week that works for all couples at all times. There is an HD/LD tendancy in all aspects of a marriage. As Schnarch points out one partner may be HD for chocolate ice cream and NEED it every night after dinner, the other partner may prefer vanilla and only want it once a week. That doesn't make the LD partner wrong and the HD partner right. It just means that they are different people with different tastes and needs. In a marriage, it is all about communicating and stretching ourselves so that we grow and reach compromises with our partner, whether they are on the frequency of ice cream for dessert or sex. 

Now as to you point about the HD person backing off for a while, that is a clear 180. Whether you view it as a MW Davis 180 or Glover (NMMNG) manning up and taking more repsonsibility for your own happiness, it works. It works because it changes the dynamic and causes the LD partner usually in control of sex to be on wobbly ground unsure if their control strategies will work. That in turn forces the LD partner to need to up their game a bit.

For me the key to raising the libido of my wife, was her relaizing she wanted to stay married to me, that if it was to happen we needed to have sex at least twice a week. My getting a life via Glover & MW Davis recommendations also forced her to see two things. First that dramatic change was possible (I became her role model for change). Second that the new fit, lower weight, dressing better, exciting adventure me, was attracting the attension of a lot of her women friends who told her how lucky she was to have a husband like me. She knew that if we divorced I would find a woman very quickly who would go our of her way to give me the love that I told her I deserved. 

Good luck to you. Change takes time, Only your spouse can change themselves. You can provide leadership, mentoring, and support, but you cannot force change.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CopperTop said:


> This is the exact argument I get. I'M the selfish one. I'M trying to force her to do things she doesn't want to do.


Without knowing your situation I can't comment on whether this is true or not. Marital sex is normal and healthy, as is a sex drive. If you're looking for a reasonable normal sex life (to enjoy sex and connect to the woman you love) with consideration to how she feels then you are absolutely not selfish, you're normal. If she makes reasonable effort and it's never enough for you then you are selfish. As I said I have no idea where you fall here.....sorry if you've already covered this elsewhere but does your wife have any sex drive at all? Does she take care of herself and just not want it with you? Does she not even take care of herself? Or does she not want it as often as you and if so what's the differential?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening UMP
Yes it was worth a try. A few years ago I tried for 3 months...




UMP said:


> I always think there is a "cause" for every "action." I think it is fair for the LD partner not to be bombarded with high sexual expectations. Therefore, I believe trying my theory might be useful. If it does not work, at least you can check off one more "it's not that" box.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Without knowing your situation I can't comment on whether this is true or not. Marital sex is normal and healthy, as is a sex drive. If you're looking for a reasonable normal sex life (to enjoy sex and connect to the woman you love) with consideration to how she feels then you are absolutely not selfish, you're normal. If she makes reasonable effort and it's never enough for you then you are selfish. As I said I have no idea where you fall here.....sorry if you've already covered this elsewhere but does your wife have any sex drive at all? Does she take care of herself and just not want it with you? Does she not even take care of herself? Or does she not want it as often as you and if so what's the differential?





Personal said:


> No longer able to cope All 87 pages of their misery!


I'll save everyone the read.

The thumbnail is, she doesn't want to have sex. It could be she just doesn't want to have it with me, or it could be in general.

The end result is the same. Month of pressure results in her finally giving in, and we have miserable, unrewarding sex. She resents it, we have a cooling off period, and the cycle starts all over.

Over the last year I had given up. I continued to be the doting husband, but I had stopped pressuring her to be intimate.

She told me just recently that this past year, when we have had no intimate relations beyond displays of affection that most would be deem appropriate for public viewing (hugs, "smooches", hand holding, etc) has been the best year of our marriage in a very long time.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

CopperTop said:


> I'll save everyone the read.
> 
> The thumbnail is, she doesn't want to have sex. It could be she just doesn't want to have it with me, or it could be in general.
> 
> ...


she wants a good pal, a brother she otherwise wouldn't have.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CopperTop said:


> I'll save everyone the read.
> 
> The thumbnail is, she doesn't want to have sex. It could be she just doesn't want to have it with me, or it could be in general.
> 
> ...


Ouch, I took a look at your thread and your situation does really stink. But as you've experienced, pressuring for sex rarely makes anyone happy. You're right that for whatever reason your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.

From what I saw you've decided that living this way is the lesser of evils. I'd recommend you rethink that but ultimately it's your life so the decision has to be yours.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

CopperTop - in your case big part of the problem is her weight. At this level of obesity there are medical issues that can kill libido for good. Not mentioning self-image issues. Tj=hese are all part of the problem.


----------



## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

UMP said:


> ...She thought about that for a few days and said to me "you know why I don't initiate? Because you never give me enough time to." That's a telling statement.


It rings hollow when you give her space for a month and still get this response.


----------

