# New here, desperate for advice



## Mistymist (Feb 16, 2019)

Hi there, thank you for taking the time to read this. I can’t really talk to anyone about what’s going on in my marriage so I’ve found myself here. 

I am 38 years old, been with my husband since I was 24. We have 3 children together. I am a stay at home mom and my husband typically works out of town most of the time. He has been out of state since spring of last year. We have probably only spent the equivalent of two months together (in the same place) in the past 9 months. 

He is a wonderful provider. He works hard and gives us all everything we need and want without any hesitation. My brother lives with us. My mother in law has recently been staying here. And my oldest son’s friend is now living here too, due to his abusive father. My husband doesn’t mind one bit being the soul provider for all of us, and thankfully, he makes the money to be able to do so. 

So, over the course of our relationship my husband has cheated on me at least 4 times that I have proof of. There have been several other nights in question, which he has never been caught. Each time was just a matter of opportunity. He would be out after work, usually out of town, drinking and end up taking some woman back to his hotel and having sex with her. 

He has always apologized profusely after he was caught and always said he didn’t know why he did what he did. That he was just drunk and stupid. That he loved me and his family and he wasn’t trying to hurt us. 

I have always “forgiven “ him every time, as I have always felt very stuck in our situation. I do not work and we have a lot of people counting on us. His indiscretions have absolutely changed me though. I often feel like we are just partners. He makes the money and I take care of everyone. It’s what we each do best. 

I do love him. I always have. But he has hurt me so much that my heart has just turned cold towards him. I’ve built up this wall to protect myself from being hurt by his choices anymore. I have told him that if wants to continue to sleep with other women, just tell me so at least we are on the same page. He always says no, he loves me and wants no one else. 

All these years together and I have always remained 100% faithful, through it all. Until a couple of months ago. I met a man whom I really like. He is charming and kind. He is funny and makes me laugh like I haven’t in years. We talk and text all day long most days. He is single with no kids. I like everything about him. He is crazy about me.

We started off as friends. We met each other through mutual friends at a club we both belong to. We were just friendly and enjoyed each other’s company. Then after about two months of going on like that, we finally kissed one night last month. 

I know that it’s wrong. I know that two wrongs don’t make a right. I know that every time I sneak out of my house to go see him or lie about where I’ve been I am jeopardizing not only myself but everyone else in my house. But it’s not enough to stop me. 

I am crazy about this man. And he is even crazier about me. He is fully aware of my situation and isn’t pressuring me to leave. He tells me daily how he’d love nothing more than to be mine and that he would do everything he could to take care of us all, my son’s friend included. But he doesn’t want me to make any rash decisions on his behalf. He believes I deserve better than the relationship I am in with my husband but doesn’t want me to leave him just to be with him. 

He always tells me that he knows what this is and for me not to worry about his feelings. He says that he would rather have me in his life, even for a short time, than to have never had me at all. 

As I’m typing all this out, it all sounds like lines from a smooth talking man, but I swear it doesn’t feel that way. And I truly don’t believe it is. 

So my problem is that I don’t know what to do. My husband will be home sometime in the next 2-4 months and I’ll be forced to make a decision at that time. If I don’t get caught before that. I feel like I’m mainly in my marriage for financial reasons and I know that’s not the right way to live. I also know telling my husband about this other man could really just blow up in my face. 

What if the new guy isn’t all that he seems? What if I tell my husband and then a few weeks later things have cooled off between me and the new guy and I’ve lost it all for nothing? What if I stay in my marriage for all the wrong reasons and go through the rest of my days feeling unsatisfied and unloved? It doesn’t feel right to choose financial stability over love and happiness in this one short life we’re given. 

I feel like I have a little time to sort through all of this before I really have to decide. But it’s all I’m thinking about. All day every day. So thought I’d come here and see what kind of insight I might get from you. 

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I appreciate anyone and everyone’s advice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One of the the things you'll learn quick here is there is no coddling and that you'll get a number of 2x4s upside your head to shock some sense into you. It's tough love, it's not that people don't like you or want you to suffer; it's to jolt you out of your hormonal fog and back into reality. 

So without further ado, here's your first 2x4 - you need to pull your head out of your butt and get a life of your own and start standing on your own two feet. 

You're basically a kept woman and your husband is basically your Sugar Daddy that puts you up in a place so he can come around now and then for a place to park his boner. 

In the mean time he's out boinking whatever else he can get. 

I mean seriously, if he's gone most of the year, how do you even manage to catch him cheating at all????

If you've caught him with 4 women, how many others has he had to have had that you didn't find out about???

OK so he's generous with his money and let's whoever flop there at the house but is this what you really want in a marriage and is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

Now as far as this other man (OM) hell yeah you're gonna be smitten to get some attention from a man who is actually in your physical presence. And if he has sparkly blue eyes and wicked grin he may even make your jay-jay tingle. 

But what in God's Green Earth makes you think that you can pack up your flophouse of misfit toys and move into his house and have him pay for all of you???

Let's get real here, I assume you want to have a real relationship/marriage with an actual man in your physical world, but you are wanting him to pay for everything and all your kids and all your relatives and ne'er-do- well brother and your son's wayward buddy and all you do is ride him like a stolen horse??

Honey you better have a platinum vagina and not have one more blemish or one more gram of fat or cellulite than Jenifer Aniston if you want to fulfill that fantasy!! 

The way I see it, if you want this fantasy and want your cake and to eat it too is to keep your mouth shut to your husband and screw him senseless for the few days he is home, then take his check and then play grab-arse with this OM and have your fun with him during the other 10 months out of the year that your H is gone.

But if you want to live a genuine life and have an actual healthy and functional relationship with a real live man in the real world, then you'll need to toss out all the waywards, get a self-supporting job, divorce your H and get a good child support arrangement and then get back on the dating market as a single mother and find a decent single guy. 


Does that sound like work and time and effort?? Yyyyyyeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh it does. But it sounds to me like you are wanting something for nothing and the only way to accomplish that is to keep doing what you're doing already.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now let's talk about your OM for a little while. 

Let's not make any mistake here - he wants to bang ya. 

He wants to bang you and that is pretty much it. The quickest and fastest way to see his taillights going over the horizon is to pack up all your inlaws and relatives and waywards and show up on his doorstep with your kids and bags in tow. 

The reason he is hitting on you is because you are such and quick and easy mark. Your Sugar Daddy is out of town most of the year, you have a house full of kids and wayward relatives and just need some attention and distraction and some male attention but you will also be unlikely to leave that situation since it is being paid for. 

This way you two can have your fun and games and after he cums you head back home and won't bother him until the same time next week. Heck, I wish you lived down the street from me so I could be your boy toy. 

In general the fastest and most efficient way to kill an affair is get a divorce and show up on the affair partner (AP)'s doorstep wanting a full-service, traditional relationship. 

Let me put it more bluntly, the reason he is putting himself in the picture is because you ARE married and not wanting to be with him legitimately. If he wanted to date and have a legitimate relationship/marriage, he would date a single woman openly and not be screwing around with a married woman who's husband is out of town. 

If you want to see the OM gone, simply divorce your H and show up on his doorstep with all your kids and bags and say, "here I am, what room do you want the kids in?" 

Poof! he'll be gone.


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## Mistymist (Feb 16, 2019)

Lol. Thank you. You are both very right. I knew that I knew it probably. But just needed to confirm. I haven’t talked to anyone other than OM so just needed some 2x4’s knocked against my head. Thank you.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Yeah, what oldshirt said. Unless you're the hottest chick in the seven kingdoms, and absolute dynamite in bed, then he's going to tire of all the baggage you're hauling in a matter of weeks. Which isn't saying anything bad about him, you just have way too many dependents. No sane man would ever consent to dealing with it all.

I will also warn you, that this other man of yours will cease to be your knight in shining armor if you decide to leave and enter into a relationship with him. Right now, he's your savior. The man who rescues you from the troubles at home, and whisks you away to paradise for gourmet meals and love making. You don't actually live with each other, or have to deal with each others problems. And once you do, it will strip away the shiny veneer of Mr. Perfect, and you'll be left with another flawed human being - who doesn't want everyone and their brother eating up his paycheck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now let's talk about your Sugar Daddy a little bit. 

He's got it made; why should he change anything?

He gets to screw lots of chicks. He's got a house full of people at home that owe him favors for putting them up. And when he cycles around back home, he can play house and lay the lumber to his Sugar Baby who may pout a little that he's screwing other chicks but as long he pays for the roof over her head, she keeps her discontent mostly to herself. 

He's got a great life, I'd by lying if I said I didn't envy him on a certain level. 

Now I've had a bit of sharp tongue in my posts (it's those 2x4s I promised) but I'm being sincere here. Simply ask him if it's ok if you boff this other dude or not. He might say it's fine. If he says it's fine, then you have it made. You can keep the house and have your fun with the OM.

I am assuming he'll say no however because I'm willing to bet the farm that he is one of these jerks that wants to screw every woman in town but wants you to remain the chaste, dutiful little wifey at home. 

Once he says no, then your options are to discuss divorce, which again he may be ok with. He may be ok with divorcing because his child support probably won't come anywhere close to what he is shelling out now to house and feed all those people. He'll have more cash on hand and will be able to screw all the chicks he wants. 

If he says no to divorce then your options are to divorce him anyway, but even with child support you'll still probably have to get a reasonable job and will have to either get rid of all the waywards or at least require them to get jobs and start paying you rent. 


And if he says no to divorce and no to the OM your options are to suck it up and be the good little wifey and look longingly at the world as people have dates and marriages and wild monkey sex while you sit home watching from the outside while your Sugar Daddy has all the wild monkey sex.

Or you can keep doing what you are doing and cheat on the side while your Sugar Daddy picks up the tab.


Those are your options. Each has it's own set of costs and benefits and it's own set of pros and cons.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hun, (gently) you need to work on you, to find why you have been willing to stay with a man who cheats on you 4 times. Unfortunately your situation is not going to get better if you stay with him. The problem is in his nature. Because of that now you met a potential better choice (though him having an affair with a married women probably means that is not the case) but there really isn't much of a chance. The lesson is you need to end one thing before starting another. 

I am not trying to be mean here but to us your post and ones like it read like this -

"Help me I am miserable because I am married to an *******, but I stayed and it isn't working out." 

And the answer is kind of like.

"Well, you are married to an *******! But you stayed!"

What we can help you do is to empower yourself to get to the place where you can leave your *******, but if you are going to stay with him it's going to just stay the same. Again the problem is in his nature, and I'm sorry to say yours too because you continue to put up with it. Since you can't change him you have to change yourself. 

As far as this other guy what do you expect will happen? Do people know about your husband's cheating? If not you are going to run the risk of being the bad guy, the one who in other people's mind ruined a good thing. Besides that this guy you are with is probably not that great. You are married and he is pursuing you, not a good sign. Is he married? If he is that expect that he is lying to you and you should assume the worst. His wife probably has no idea. Even if he says he is not he might be. Don't depend on the honor or men who have affairs with married women. Ever here the saying "No honor among thieves?"

See staying married and unhappy has put you in the worst possible position for your romantic future because you effectively eliminate meeting any man of honor so there is no potential to do better. If you do plan to pursue this option, at least open up your marriage, after all it seems you have been living in an open marriage anyway, at least it's honest. 

So I guess you can see what I am focusing on as the problem. Which is that you stayed with a guy who cheated on you 4 times. You didn't give yourself a chance and you never will if you continue to live under those conditions.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Mistymist, I think it is a bad idea to just ask your husband if it is ok to sleep with other guys. That just telegraphs to him you already have and as you have noted it may or will blow up in your face.

Cheaters hate getting cheated on. 

Your husband sooner or later is going to find out. You think you have your tracks covered but just read these threads. So many 'away' spouses figure it out. 

You don't need your husbands permission to file for divorce. You certainly have grounds for it. Just file before a bad situation gets worse. 

Then you can fool around with whoever you want.

As for the guy who is getting free sex telling you nonsense in your ear: Men who bed lonely moms with 4 kids while hubby is away whispering non committal diarrhea don't stick around very long. Character wise they are pretty low on the totem pole of relationship integrity. If he gave a damn about you he would at least be trying to talk you into a divorce so he could have a real relationship with you. As it stands he can't be bothered. Free sex, no commitment. It all blows up he walks away giggling and you are left with a family life that is just a smoldering mess. 

Just file for divorce. You have lost respect for your husband, with reason. You both deserve better.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Mistymist, I think it is a bad idea to just ask your husband if it is ok to sleep with other guys. That just telegraphs to him you already have and as you have noted it may or will blow up in your face.
> 
> .


I think his answer would be a resounding no and then he'll turn into more of a jerk than he already is. 

But I think the question is worth asking anyway. 

They are already in an open marriage anyway, just a surreptitious one with both of them cheating. 

By bringing it to the forefront it will fundamentally change the status quo. He'll either agree to it in which case they can each screw around as they want and he'll continue to pay for everything and life will be grand. 

Or he'll pop a cog and demand her chastity while he screws around. She'll eventually see the disparity and she will lose even more esteem for him and throw in the towel. 

Or perhaps there is that one in a katrillion chance that he wakes up and sees what a train wreck this sham of a marriage is and gets another job close to home and actually becomes part of the family and actually tries to have a functional marriage and relationship (it's one in a katrillion but it's at least a chance right?) 

But either way it is an act of trying to open a channel of communication and honesty vs simply cheating and hoping to get away with it as long as possible. 

And either way it will break the status quo which is without question a path towards destruction.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Mistymist, I think it is a bad idea to just ask your husband if it is ok to sleep with other guys. That just telegraphs to him you already have and as you have noted it may or will blow up in your face.


Yeah I guess me saying opening the marriage does kind of come across that way. You would still have to be willing to lose the marriage. More like, look this is now a business partnership if you want or I am leaving. Probably wouldn't work, but still better then sneaking around and cheating. This is why divorce is the best answer.

If you are going to do this, which I don't recommend by the way, the best time to do it is probably at the point where the cheating happened. Like - OK well if this is the way it's going to be and I am going to stay, then our marriage is now open. At least if she had done that then the situation she is in right now would be different. Still not saying I recommend it.

I just wish that people who are going to stay no matter what would have the strength to at least do this, at least then it would be more fair. I mean what is the husband going to say. Even if he does he is not going to leave, so he can't complain that you didn't tell him. Maybe he will change his ways. If you just stay then you have no power or options at all. I get it, some folks don't have the strength to leave, well at least give yourself some options.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I think his answer would be a resounding no and then he'll turn into more of a jerk than he already is.
> 
> But I think the question is worth asking anyway.
> 
> ...


Her response 'blow up in her face" I am taking literally. 

They both certainly know he is a cheat but we have no idea if he knows she is.

By opening with 'open marriage' out of the blue immediately he will know.

And one of his responses could be violent. Cheaters hate to be cheated on and can act in unpredictable ways. 

I think she should simply file while he is away and let him fill in the blanks. He knows he has no on but to blame but himself. Will not take long to figure out revenge affair. Meanwhile she can get her house in order including protection from over the top reprisal. 

May sound cruel but not less crueler than banging someone behind his back while he thinks everything is all hunky dory back home. And subsidizing it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mistymist said:


> He is fully aware of my situation and isn’t pressuring me to leave.


Well of course he's not. He's not interested in taking on you, your 3 kids, the boy you've taken in or your deadbeat brother. Nor does he want to deal with an angry ex-husband for the next 10-15 years while you co-parent with your ex-husband. I mean, come on. I'm a woman and I'd blow my brains out before dealing with that bull****.

He's giving you a huge line of bull claiming he'd be happy to take on the whole lot of you because he doesn't have to back up his words. Want proof? Call him and tell him you've told your husband that you're leaving him and you need to be out of the house by the end of the month. Watch the guy run so damned fast he'll have to have his shadow FedEx'd to him.



> As I’m typing all this out, it all sounds like lines from a smooth talking man....


Yup, it sure does. You probably don't know it, but there are A LOT of guys out there who purposely seek out lonely married women because it's basically free sex without all the strings. All they have to do is tell her what she wants to hear - just like he's done with you - and you're only too happy to give him everything he desires. It's win/win for him - as long as your husband doesn't find out and give him a Goodfella's beating.



> So my problem is that I don’t know what to do. My husband will be home sometime in the next 2-4 months and I’ll be forced to make a decision at that time. If I don’t get caught before that. I feel like I’m mainly in my marriage for financial reasons and I know that’s not the right way to live. I also know telling my husband about this other man could really just blow up in my face.


Don't you think it's time you got a job and made some healthy decisions instead of being in a lousy marriage and being used by some loser? And how can your brother, a grown damned adult, let someone else's husband SUPPORT his sorry ass? If he's not handicapped or disabled in some way, then he has absolutely no pride whatsoever.

You have *no* options as long as you choose to let someone else support you. But I'm telling you right now, if you think Prince Charming will actually BE THERE waiting with open arms for you _and_ the small army that comes with you - then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you.


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