# Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.

There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.
2. They don’t avoid negative emotions.
3. They accept that bad things happen in life.
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy.
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers.
6. They make great leaders.
7. They’re kind to themselves.
8. They embrace their vulnerability. 

Single people of TAM:

1) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = It doesn't cross your mind and 10 = You're aggressively looking

How much effort are you willing to put into dating in order to find a relationship partner?

2) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = Shrek and 10 = Donkey (from the Shrek movies)

How vulnerable are you when looking for a relationship partner? Is there anything that impacts the level of vulnerability you portray to potential partners?

3) How many of the 8 characteristics of vulnerable people mentioned above do you regularly display? Which ones are they?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd say 9, 9, all, for both of us. We make the effort, but it is backed up by high compatibility. However, we are also this way with new friends and potential lovers as well.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think letting my own vulnerability hang out in the open to dry is the simple part. The tough part is trying to find someone else equally open/vulnerable. I believe the vulnerable person understands and respects boundaries, while the less-vulnerable, less-open person is more likely to use "assumed" boundaries to their own purposes. 

I am, by far, orders of magnitude, the more-vulnerable and more-open person in our marriage. I did not know that when we were dating. Ironically, I think the more-vulnerable person may put less effort (perhaps "angst" would be the better term?) into dating, because they aren't looking to erect walls around their emotions. They're more interested in someone a bit different from themselves. 

Or am I missing the point here?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> @badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.
> 
> There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:
> 
> *1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.*


 @Lila I'll stay out of this thread since I am married. But I will comment that my wife wants me to be a better boyfriend and go out on dates with her. She pointed out #1 as the thing I need to work on the most. As I get older, #1 gets harder as I admit I am getting rather set in my ways. When I go out, I prefer to know exactly where I am going, know where I am parking, and already have planned what to order. And this is because I have ordered it before and I know I will like it. 

My wife's idea of a fun evening is to get in the car with no plans and go somewhere new (preferably downtown with live music). For reasons I do not understand I get anxiety attacks just thinking about it, but I know this is part of myself I know I need to improve. So I am working on it. 



So here is to me getting out of my shell and learning to go new places, trying to relax and have fun.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lila said:


> @badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.
> 
> There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:
> 
> ...


1) - Ten.
2) - 7-8. I'm very transparent, but that seems to freak girls out. As I say or admit things most people wouldn't reveal. So I'm trying to tone it down. It's when I start to invest in people, and tell them how I feel, that they usually leave. After letting gratify their ego for a few days, weeks, or months, that is.

3)
1. Vulnerable people try new experiences. - *Not often.*
2. They don’t avoid negative emotions. - *Sometimes? Rather broad question.*
3. They accept that bad things happen in life. - *I guess. I still think they suck.*
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy. - *Definitely.*
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers. - *No.*
6. They make great leaders. - *I can lead if I need to, but shouting "follow me" as I rush into the breach isn't my natural tendency.*
7. They’re kind to themselves. - **shrug* I buy myself pizza?*
8. They embrace their vulnerability. - *I do. Though I feel like it harms me more than it helps me a lot. Being vulnerable evidently isn't a very "strong" characteristic. Talking about and revealing my feelings seems to push girls away.*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

1. Sometimes 0, sometimes 10. I get really energized by it for periods of time, and completely step away from it for periods of time.

2. I don’t reveal a lot of myself at first. So in that sense I’m not willing to be extremely vulnerable with a new person. I think I am slowly vulnerable enough to begin opening up over time. But never all at once. I don’t want someone else to just open up and spill all of their stuff at once on me either, usually. It’s a process.

3. I think I display all of these except 5 and 6. I’m not necessarily a great leader, and I definitely do not go out of my way to meet strangers. I mean, other than going on OLD dates. In that sense, I’m pretty bold about meeting strangers. But never just out and about somewhere. Sometimes I’ll be with friends and they will end up meeting strangers that they bring into the fold and I might meet someone that way.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> @badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.
> 
> There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:
> 
> ...




1) I am probably a 3 on the dating effort scale. Not really actively searching but I am open to something dropping on my lap.:grin2:

2) Genuinely closer to Shrek than to Donkey so I'll say 4 on the vulnerability scale.

3) .....

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences. - 5. I'll am open to trying new experiences but I prefer routine. I think it has less to do with vulnerability and more to do with laziness. Usually trying new things takes effort.

2. They don’t avoid negative emotions - 2. Yeah, I do avoid negative emotions on the regular and then release it all at once. I'm like an inactive volcano - dormant for a really long time then I blow up taking everything out around me.

3. They accept that bad things happen in life. 4. - I understand bad things happen in life but I do dwell on the unfairness sometimes. On the other hand, I refuse to give up hope. I have tried talking myself out of it but that darn hope is too strong.

4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy. 5. - Not really. I value all my relationships even the fluffy ones. I would be overwhelmed having only emotionally intimate relationships all of the time. There has to be balance.

5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers. - 7. I will talk to anyone at just about any time but I wouldn't go out of my way to connect with a stranger. 

6. They make great leaders. - 10. Strangely, I am a natural born leader not because I want to be, but because people naturally follow me. I think it's because I'm responsible. 

7. They’re kind to themselves. - 5. Some things I am. Some things I'm not. 

8. They embrace their vulnerability. - 2. Not really. I'm Shrek. I have layers.:laugh:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> @badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.
> 
> There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:
> 
> ...


*To a greater or lesser extent, Ol' Arb displays signs of most or all of these characteristics. 

To wit, and with my inbuilt sense of caution and skepticism, I'd be rather inclined to say that my rating would now be somewhere in the 8.5-9.5 range!

I no longer consider myself as good relationship material!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> @Lila I'll stay out of this thread since I am married. But I will comment that my wife wants me to be a better boyfriend and go out on dates with her. She pointed out #1 as the thing I need to work on the most. As I get older, #1 gets harder as I admit I am getting rather set in my ways. *When I go out, I prefer to know exactly where I am going, know where I am parking, and already have planned what to order. And this is because I have ordered it before and I know I will like it. *
> 
> My wife's idea of a fun evening is to get in the car with no plans and go somewhere new (preferably downtown with live music). For reasons I do not understand I get anxiety attacks just thinking about it, but I know this is part of myself I know I need to improve. So I am working on it.
> 
> ...


This is right in tune with your not liking "quickies". You say you want the anticipation; but is it more a sense of control you enjoy?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I am very vulnerable. But I also like to believe I am smart with who I choose to be vulnerable with. My screening process is strict so I am not giving my time and effort and insides to people I view as risky.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have often wondered what is the difference between being needy and being vulnerable.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> This is right in tune with your not liking "quickies". You say you want the anticipation; but is it more a sense of control you enjoy?


I'm too needy. I want the premium package. I want the full service love package that I have not behaved well enough to earn. When my wife gives in for something more than just a quickie she will be like, "You do NOT deserve this!" I'll smile and be like a kid that is doing some B&E at the candy store!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Vulnerability in general is extremely uncomfortable (for fear of rejection), and I consistently find that people prefer me quiet and mysterious - rather than knowing the reality of who I am. 

In real life, that translates into being selectively mute. And since I prefer writing to speaking, on a day to day basis, I communicate with all of you more than anyone I'm face to face with.

1. I love new experiences, but having a purpose/goal tends to motivate me more than just going out into the world and doing.

2. I'm avoidant in may ways, but I do prefer negative issues to be dealt with. My negative self-talk is almost innate, so I have to work at controlling my thoughts.

3. I do accept that bad things happen in life. That's not a problem for me at all.

4. For me, seeking emotional intimacy is like chasing a unicorn.

5. I don't connect in general. Inside me, I feel like I have random moments of connecting with people, but nothing consistent or significant. 

6. I have a very low threshold for frustration and so make a horrid leader. 

7. Kindness to myself and others isn't difficult. I forgive easily.

8. Alone I can be honest and vulnerable - say in my prayers. And I do try with people, but usually fail. Those failures (which I'd describe as feeling hurt) are the only times I feel a sense of loneliness.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Due to my past I am very much a wade into the shallow end kinda guy. I had zero expectations when dating. I just assumed it wouldn’t work out long term and just enjoyed the experience while it lasted. This kept dating fun and never stressful In 10 years of being divorced I had 3 GF who I dated longer than 6 months. Something was different about each of them that peaked my interest very early on. As time went by I went for 0-10 in most categories. I always will have trouble being vulnerable completely with a woman because of past abuse but the other categories went up for sure.


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