# Separation progress (ongoing blog)



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

We're now nearing 8 weeks. Time flies. 

Been a lot of up and down on both of our parts. We're starting to realize where we both went wrong. What does this mean for the future? I don't know.

She's stopped speaking in absolute negatives. She's not exactly with the indifference, but I think she's starting to see how much I mean to her. I know I am. 

Nearing my 2 months of sobriety soon. Haven't been pushy about her coming. She brought it up. Feels good to know I have support. 

Found her flash drive, which she thought had been missing for nearly a year....under our bed. Notified her that I found it. What I heard back, I sure wasn't expecting. 

A very happy, sincere thank you and an appreciation that I searched for it. What I found with it may throw her for a loop.....

....a letter I wrote for her last year, that I attached to her present for our six year anniversary together. I'm leaving it on the counter as I type this, with her flash drive. She's coming by later and we're cleaning the old apartment out(I'm in the process of moving into a new one). I may duck out for a few so she can read it, or I may be there when she does. Don't know yet until it happens. 

I guess we'll see what her reactions are going to be. She's been fondly reminiscing about the nice times we've had, so it's anybody's guess. She also told me directly that she's very proud of how I've come(between controlling my anger, my sobriety, my weight loss). Seems sincere, but still on guard. 

She's....changed a bit. It's like the ice around her heart is starting to melt. It's almost impossible to go NC because of the pet situation and also because of the apartment situation. But when we do have contact, there's a few things I've been able to pick up on without reading too far in...

- Mutual pain/guilt
- Genuine happiness to see each other

I don't know if this is a good sign or not. I'm still moving forward with myself and so is she, but we're only into month 2. Long haul ahead. Couples counseling being considered between us.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

.....and, thanks to a tipoff, checked her Facebook pictures to find that she deleted our wedding album.

That's the final straw. I'm done. Screw this.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Sorry that you're having such a wild ride the last 24 hours. Is it possible that she changed the preferences on the photos so that only she can see them and that they are no longer public?

As i and others have noted, FB only ... ONLY... brings pain and confusion during this process. I think we think that the x will monitor us and notice how much we miss them or how much better we're doing but really... they know part of that or eventually find out from friends. All it absolutely does is send those of us that care into a tailspin when something changes and we don't understand why or what the implications are. Fwiw, i'm about 10 days in front of you, about a month ago i unsubscribed from x's posts and put her on restricted access so that she only can see Public information rather than newsfeed stuff. It keeps us as Friends but creates a boundary. 

Hope you have a better start to your week.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I never deleted the photos on Facebook, I just made them invisible to the public.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Yeah. I definitely got upset over that, if only the feeling of being erased. 

Selfish pride myself. My mistake. 

We had a long talk yesterday while we were cleaning out our old place. We definitely had some progress with each other. 

I was actually told that she respects me. Felt good. 

Guess we'll see. She really doesn't know how the divorce process works, but she hasn't even filed yet. 

Guess some growing up in her sense may help her see. I don't know yet.

For now, I'm in limbo, but still moving forward. Maybe she sees this. Her treatment of me is starting to turn. 

She told me without even asking that the wedding picture removal was because they were too painful to look at right now.

The parts of the 180 that I've implemented have so far been a positive attitude, showing her somebody she wants to be around, exercising, eating, getting a head start. We'll see where we go from here. 

Odd quip yesterday that I don't know was a slip or if she meant it, but I won't let it eat at me....we were cleaning out our old place yesterday for a bit, and she said, "When we get another place, let's make sure this never happens again" regarding the mess. I let it slide externally. Internally, I felt like my heart was starting to race.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I let it slide externally. Internally, I felt like my heart was starting to race.


And that my friend is the reason you need to be concerned.

What you felt has absolutely nothing to do with love. If you think you heart started to race because you love your wife, you're dead wrong.

Your love for your wife shows its face in many other ways. This wasn't one of them.

So what is it that you felt you ask? Insecurity, fear, resentment and self-hatred altogether.

You are hanging on to meaningless words. That's how low you've allowed yourself to sink. What are you going to do about that?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Hey all. It's August 5th as I sit in the cafe with an iced cappucino.

All settled into my new place. The cats have adjusted quite well, as have I, with a few blips.

I do find myself forcing myself to sleep without her next to me. It's starting to get a bit easier.

Got my old job as a cook back, finding myself greatly enjoying it. It's like some positivity has been injected into my life again. My place is actually.....clean. I guess life without her right now has its benefits.  It was frustrating to try and share duties with somebody who didn't want to pitch in. 

As for things between us...I haven't expressed much interest in "hanging out" and went dark for a bit...now she's turned. She's not necessarily "there", but now she's actually WANTING to spend time together. I made an offer to take her out to breakfast before she left for New York for the weekend, she took it. Actually went pretty well. 

We both agreed to a clean slate. I guess this could be considered a "Step 1", in the fact that living in the past holds me back. I've started actually IGNORING the defense mechanisms that she throws up, letting them go in one ear and out the other, such as "we're JUST friends" or "don't have any expectations", et cetera. Actions mean way more than words to me, now, and I thank Synthetic for his last post in this thread.

I'm starting to find a sense of self-worth again. I may wake up alone and a bit upset, but I still go about my morning, feeding my cats, my rabbit, taking a shower, picking out my clothes for the day, then off to work.

I even took a chance on the lottery and came out with 99 bucks. Sure felt good.

We're nearing the two month mark on the 12th of this month. Her birthday is coming up soon. Picking up a card later this week. 

As for myself, I've gotten my issues under a better control...my temper is actually evened out quite well. I'm in some great physical shape(now UNDER 170 pounds, still eating regularly, just working out and taking better care of myself). I can look in the mirror and like what I see, now. My counselor has noticed a change in my attitude, too.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Sky - Sounds like you are doing great! Keep up the good work! Do you get to meetings (I, too, am a "Friend of Bill' if you catch my drift). I find that building my network in the rooms has helped me a great deal to not fall apart, which would have been very easy to do when my H left. Nearly 7 months for me now  

Cheers, - A12


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks, man. Still hanging tough. 

Woke up with a "blah" feeling today, but still pushed forward. Looking forward to work at 11AM today, it feels good to go somewhere and be appreciated.

She's on her way back from NY today, we may be meeting up on Wednesday.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

August 7. Still going strong. 

Her birthday is Friday. I offered to do something for her tomorrow, since it's the only day we can really meet up. 

Already got a card and some small stuff for her(times when a photographic memory comes in handy? Hearing about things that she wants but hasn't picked up). She has no idea I've even gotten her anything. 

Going to take her to the movies tomorrow. Guess we'll see which direction things go in over time. 

As for myself? Picked up some new clothes. Got a nice AE hoodie for FIVE BUCKS from the consignment shop and it's clean as a whistle. I find it hilarious how I can build a wardrobe for under $80 and she's almost blown through her money already by buying brand new. 

Started finding things that I could do WITHOUT her around...such as....

- Listening to the music that I enjoy(I have an album BLASTING at the moment in my new place by Finch, one of my favourite bands) without feeling like I need to have headphones in.
- Playing the video games that *I* like without looking over and watching her scowl
- NO MORE GETTING BLAME PROJECTED ON ME(this one is HUGE, I'm REALLY enjoying this)
- No more looking over and feeling frustrated at the Facebook addiction

That's not to say that life is great without her around. We actually now look forward to seeing each other. I guess maybe it's true that when you spend so much time around a person you get sick of them after awhile.

She STILL has yet to get into IC though, so I don't know what the hell is going on there. Lack of motivation or a feeling that *I'm* the one who has to change. I can say my feelings on the matter with one verb that I'm currently doing as I think about this.

*Shrug*. 

Keep you all posted. Enjoy your week!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

August 8. 

Stayed up until 2AM, guess I was just annoyed in general.

Spent this morning doing my laundry and then putting together a gift bag for her for when she gets here around 1PM. She has no idea I've even gotten ANYTHING for her. Don't expect much out of it, though. 

Two days off from work. Going to check in with my much neglected PlayStation 3 tomorrow after my workout.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Why are you getting her a gift?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Why are you getting her a gift?


Simple. Because I want to. Not because I feel obligated to. I don't expect anything in return, to be honest, except respect and appreciation, which I'm starting to get and would like to keep for awhile.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

August 9.

Three days, it will be two months. I guess I lost a bit of the perception of time since this started. I'm starting to gain it back.

Yesterday actually went great. She definitely wasn't expecting anything. Even though it was a small gesture, it was greatly appreciated.

Went out to lunch, then took her to see Total Recall(amazing movie by the way, highly recommended in my book). Went back to my place, took it easy. 

Walked her out afterwards. Wasn't *completely* distant, but wasn't super affectionate, either. Ended up getting a hug from her(she initiated it) and a kiss on the cheek, as well as a genuine thank you for taking her out for the day. 

No slip-ups or backsliding yesterday. Sat home last night to let it process, and ended up actually feeling pretty damned good about myself. No obligation, no _need_ to do this...I did this because I wanted to. Definitely not what I'm used to. 

Sitting at the cafe with an iced capp and a bagel as I write this. Not looking forward to work tomorrow(crazy busy night), but hell. It's money. Enjoy your weekends, everybody.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Hey all. Been listening to Rufio(one of my fav bands) cranked up. 

Did some looking into getting the D today. Just to be prepared. 

Oh boy is she in for a shock if she thinks that it's just separate for a year and then bam, it's done. :rofl:

I don't want it and really don't want to file unless I absolutely have to, but it's like a "In case of need, break glass" situation for the future. 

For now, I've been doing pretty good. My emotions have stabilized quite nicely. Cats are doing good. Job's going well.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm familiar with the Ontario divorce law. It's best you isolate yourself from all legal talks and arrangements until you are very well detached from your wife. And trust me this will happen at some point whether you like it or not.

Until then, go completely dark on her. She can't do a damn thing. Do not agree to anything. Do not be overly nice. Do not give her money for her 'single' lifestyle and don't finance her wishes. 

Keep working on you. The more you stay away from her, the more respect/attraction she will have to develop. Under no circumstances (except emergency) should you be initiating contact with her. It makes you very unattractive.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Well...today is two months to the day. I really didn't think it would be hitting me this hard. I woke up and had an instant feeling of dread.

What is it about separations that totally throw off your concept of time? It feels more like 4 or 5 months instead of 2....Christ.

Staying dark for today. She's coming to my 2 month sobriety tomorrow night.

Reality may be setting in for her now, too. My mother deleted her from Facebook and she is completely crushed. Guess she doesn't understand that all the "inspirational" BS she was posting was bound to be misinterpreted by anybody, up to and including a picture that said "Take your mistakes and put them under your feet, use them as stepping stones!". Clearly no self-awareness on her part. 

My mother is pretty upset at her handling of the situation. I can understand. But I can also identify with my wife's feelings as well if I were to put myself in her shoes.

Maybe it's maturity vs. immaturity at this point. Who knows.

Laundry's ready. See ya, TAM.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

No need to hold her facebook postings against her. As u said you are more levelheaded than that. 

I would politely ask her not to attend ur sobriety event. She is 
not being supportive as a wife. Why give her the chance to claim otherwise? What are YOU gaining from her attendance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Never told her to come. She chose to, she chose to show her support. She DOES know that I'm having a hard time with it.

Whether she comes or not really doesn't make much of a difference to me, but the fact that she chooses to and doesn't feel obligated to is enough for me.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Monday went great. It's hard for me to try and bottle in ANY emotions, after I got my 2 month "chip"(it's like a poker chip to use as a reminder of your commitment), we left the meeting and I broke down a bit halfway to walking home. Got some genuine comfort out of it for releasing some bottled-up pride mixed with shame for my former alcoholism. 

Things are still confusing to say the least, but I'm holding up. Today I had what can be called a "crash" day. Crying, et cetera. 

Spoke with my mother on the phone for a bit. Feeling a bit better. 

MIL has been showing some concerns. Interesting. 

As for the relationship with the wife, she's still completely pessimistic. I try my best to not let it get to me(for what it's worth, I noticed that I in fact HAVE detached). Sometimes there's some headscratchers. 

In regards to the "just" friends comment that she made, I made sure to say in a firm tone "I'm nobody's 'just' ANYTHING". Surprised myself a bit. Self-confidence? Hint of self-esteem? 

Strangely enough, she's making future plans with me already. She wants to go to San Francisco, NYC, etc...so.....what the hell? As much as I don't want to think about it, I wonder.

:scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She offering for you to pay to take her on vacation?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> She offering for you to pay to take her on vacation?


Ha. Like I'd fall for that one. 

I know damned well I wouldn't. I'd pay for myself, if she can't do it, she's on her own with that one.

Her priorities are a little messed right now, to boot. Already talking about buying the new iPhone. :S


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Ha. Like I'd fall for that one.


Just making sure


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Just making sure


For what it's worth, the new non-doormat me is still hard to get used to.

She seems to be loosening up a bit around me. Still staying limited contact, though. I have my own stuff to work on and as long as I know she's not in IC I can give, in what I think is Synthetic's words, two newly minted sh!ts about R unless if she's willing to work on herself as well.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi SkyHigh - 

CONGRATULATIONS on your two month chip -- well done, man! Never forget the primary purpose  

Hugs, - A12 (who had 7 months on Monday)


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Thank you. I appreciate it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> For what it's worth, the new non-doormat me is still hard to get used to.
> 
> She seems to be loosening up a bit around me. Still staying limited contact, though. I have my own stuff to work on and as long as I know she's not in IC I can give, in what I think is Synthetic's words, two newly minted sh!ts about R unless if she's willing to work on herself as well.


She's going to ask you how you are doing so well.

That will be when you'll know - because you're going to tell her and OBSERVE her reaction.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Yeah. She's already noticed the changes, which I made sure to remind her that they weren't just because she left. I had my own self-preservation to keep, myself. 

She's starting to point out the good that was in our marriage, oddly enough. 

Funny how now I'm hearing "Remember when we (insert good time here)" or "(Date we had) was awesome".

Told her that we did a LOT more couple stuff than she seems to remember(her biggest complaint was that we were living like roomates). No matter what we did, no matter how small, as long as we were doing it together, we were out on dates. 

Logic rules the day. Month 2 is now 5 days in. 

Rebuilding the friendship that was broken between us is a start, for now. Strangely enough, we've been holding hands again. Don't know why, but neither of us realized we were doing it. 

Keeping the throttle back, for now. I had a bad couple of days emotionally, yesterday the depression really hit me hard, I ended up spending all day SLEEPING. Guess this would be my second "crash" and probably not the last. 

Staying cautious, for now. Nowhere NEAR R as long as she keeps avoiding IC.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Forgot to add, she's telling me to not have "expectations" of getting back together. Rofl.

Yet she's got some of her own, such as "we'll always be friends".

Ugh. I feel like I'm at a brick wall at that point, but who knows. It's only been two months.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Forgot to add, she's telling me to not have "expectations" of getting back together. Rofl.
> 
> Yet she's got some of her own, such as "we'll always be friends".
> 
> Ugh. I feel like I'm at a brick wall at that point, but who knows. It's only been two months.


Doesn't sound like you'll always be friends.

I have to tell you, if my wife and I don't make it...

No way do we stay friends.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Got a tip-off from some family members lately.

We went back to my home state(I'm from the U.S. originally, I moved up here for her) for a wedding, and she was unbelievably cold towards most of my family, going so far to even get snappy and condescending to both my grandmother and my great-aunt(who are both well into their 80s, the hell did these old ladies do to her?). 

For some reason, none of them decided to come forward and say anything until now. 

Other things that have been noted upon reflection....

- Her constant complaining about "our" money while she didn't contribute(STILL has no job). 

- Upon cleaning out the fridge, I ended up really getting angry. Multiple containers of leftovers that SHE made, just sitting there. Multiple containers of soymilk, yogurt, salad dressings, et cetera....month after month I was damned near BEGGING her to not buy food that she wasn't going to eat. Somehow, I'M the one that was fiscally irresponsible.

- Cleaning out the closet, boxes upon boxes of HER possessions, things that had dated back to damn near FIRST GRADE, another thing I was always trying to get her to do. She always swore that she would go through it, but never did. 

- Constant complaining about how we should have "nice things", yet we had PLENTY of nice things, stashed away in said closet. When confronted about the "nice things", she had no defense other than "I forgot".

- Got a bit tired of Facebook overrunning her life to the point where school projects were being turned in late, even points where we had important events to get to, we ended up late why? Because she was on Facebook and just HAD to finish her Sims and FarmVille before life could continue. 


Right, but I made her miserable. *I* was the "little kid". Well, let's see...who's living on his own and who's living BACK at home with Mommy and Daddy.:rant:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sky,

Letting the appropriate anger out is part of breaking codependence. Carry on - but channel it into productive movement.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Hence why I vented HERE instead of at her.

Venting at her will serve no purpose.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Hence why I vented HERE instead of at her.
> 
> Venting at her will serve no purpose.


You may find yourself venting at her at some point.

That's ok too. May do her some good to hear it.

Of course, that's a discussion she would have to initiate. You are correct that it would serve no purpose for you to seek her out to vent.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I really do wish that my family would have come forward about her behavior, though. 

I DID call her out after the wedding, in a very civil way. My father was on his knees and praying for my cousin and his new wife, and STBXW looked over with a dirty look at my father. I asked her what was wrong, and she looks over and goes "...he's PRAYING."

Like that wasn't supposed to upset me. :S


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Well, it's 8:47AM as I'm typing this. 

We may be meeting up for breakfast. Don't know what'll happen from there. 

Found it hard to sleep last night. Woke up feeling relatively annoyed. 

Have somebody meeting up with me later on this afternoon to purchase a R/C transmitter and receiver set that I bought last year that I have no further use for. 

Wondering if it's normal to now be in a "fog" regarding your feelings for somebody that you loved very much once confronted with reality.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Well, it's 8:47AM as I'm typing this.
> 
> We may be meeting up for breakfast. Don't know what'll happen from there.
> 
> ...


Difficult to part with delusion.

Anger and indifference tend to alternate.

Anger towards yourself for being a chump - indifference towards them. Anger towards them for using your weakness, etc.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Alright, the anger has passed. Some deep breaths and a quick workout to get my head straight.

I have a habit of thinking "worst case scenario", it's something I need to break.

Still implementing as many changes as I can to start feeling better about myself. 

Meet-up might change to tonight, provided I feel like being available. There's been some candid feelings on her part that I'm taking stock of, but once again, actions over words, always. 

Time to enjoy my Saturday.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Alright, the anger has passed. Some deep breaths and a quick workout to get my head straight.
> 
> I have a habit of thinking "worst case scenario", it's something I need to break.
> 
> ...


How was your childhood?

"Worst case" is a tough cross to bear. Makes relationships tough.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Overbearing demeaning father and a house that was chock-full of conflict as well as favortism.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Overbearing demeaning father and a house that was chock-full of conflict as well as favortism.


Worst case scenario thinking is part of that.

You don't trust things to work out for the best, because you learned early that they don't.

So, you went on defense.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Yep. Strangely enough, this is where she and I are two parts of a whole...she's had to contend with the same issue in her childhood as well as being a bona-fide people pleaser(she's a female "Nice Guy"). 

Guess we'll see what happens post-counseling.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Yep. Strangely enough, this is where she and I are two parts of a whole...she's had to contend with the same issue in her childhood as well as being a bona-fide people pleaser(she's a female "Nice Guy").
> 
> Guess we'll see what happens post-counseling.


Janie often says that parents have way too much power.

That one has rattled around in my head for about 6 years. After reading about life after broken life here, I have to agree.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Well, according to her, she wants to rebuild our friendship first, plus IC to deal with our own respective issues, before we even BEGIN to consider working on the marriage.

Telling myself this over and over is helping me break out of my negativity spiral right now. It's going to be a long haul. But we'll see what happens once the dust is settled down to zero and we can look at everything objectively. 

She desperately needs to break her co-dependency on her mother, though. At least she can admit and identify that it's become a serious problem and was quickly becoming problematic in our marriage.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

After reading a couple of other threads, I noticed something...

1) She has nobody else.
2) She's willing to go into IC to fix her own issues before we start working on stuff together.
3) She's dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb, but I still get the "I love you" here and there.......

Hmmmm. :scratchhead:

Could be possible she may be feeling out changes. Unsure.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> After reading a couple of other threads, I noticed something...
> 
> 1) She has nobody else.
> 2) She's willing to go into IC to fix her own issues before we start working on stuff together.
> ...


1 = Good - the presence of posOM makes things very difficult.

2 = Good - IC can really help. But don't let her dog it. You cannot steer someone else's therapy, but there should be changed BEHAVIOR within a month that you can notice.

3 = Bad - The ILYBINILWY is something that cannot be taken back. Yet, emotional creatures let their emotions dictate what their mouths say - and feelings do change.

This is about as "hopeful" as you can expect at this juncture.


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

I agree with you on the FB thing it drives me crazy, because my wife changed her status from married to nothing and I have asked her several times if you want a divorce how come you didn't change your status to separated or single and why is "My" brother still listed as your brother on there and why haven't you went back to your maiden name instead of still using you married name....all this is silly, but it was my way of trying to over think the whole process and call her bluff on wanting a divorce. It was wrong and is wrong for me to do that....I deactivated my FB account!!


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> Alright, the anger has passed. Some deep breaths and a quick workout to get my head straight.
> 
> I have a habit of thinking "worst case scenario", it's something I need to break.
> 
> ...


I have the same problem always thinking the worst and I seem to !


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Also doesn't help when she's all "DON'T HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF US GETTING BACK TOGETHER, I KNOW IT WON'T HAPPEN".

It's like how many times can I get it beaten over my head before I just can't take it anymore.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Also doesn't help when she's all "DON'T HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF US GETTING BACK TOGETHER, I KNOW IT WON'T HAPPEN".
> 
> It's like how many times can I get it beaten over my head before I just can't take it anymore.


No one can make that call but you.

BTW - if she's a "worst case" person also, this is just the type of thing you would expect her to say.

Yet, her actions speak otherwise.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I truly do love her very much, and I know that she loves me. 

But barely 2 months in so far. I guess I can't take anything that she says at face value.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> I truly do love her very much, and I know that she loves me.
> 
> But barely 2 months in so far. I guess I can't take anything that she says at face value.


Women are emotional creatures.

It's taken a long long time for the full meaning of this sentence to sink in with me.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

The problem is, I'm just as emotional as she is, maybe moreso.

Today hit me as hard as the day after she left...I was near tears all day. Continued to stay that way even now. 

Today she is coming by to drop off a pair of my jeans that she found mixed in with her clothes(the clothes that *I* packed after she left because she couldn't be bothered to come by). 

I'm giving her back my present from her for Valentines' Day as well as the first gift she gave me when we started dating. 

The cake-eating is killing me right now...I'm not sure what to do.

Best friends for 12 years but I was consistently beaten down emotionally until I was exactly how she wanted me to be, and when I started standing up, that was it. 

She didn't just walk out on her husband...she walked out on her best friend, and she wants HER friend back? Time she sees the results of my emergency counseling session today. 

As well as the multitude of memories where my own identity was shattered to zero. This may be a mistake, but it HAS to happen, I'm tired of hearing how "proud" she is of leaving me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> The problem is, I'm just as emotional as she is, maybe moreso.
> 
> Today hit me as hard as the day after she left...I was near tears all day. Continued to stay that way even now.
> 
> ...


Pushing you away.

Hurting you before you can hurt her.

Classic signs of bad childhood.

If you can see clearly, the person hurting you is a damaged little girl stomping her feet and proving what a "big girl" she is.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Yeah....well, today's meetup was rocky. The emotional landslide I was on was enormous, but I had to let it out. 

The talk actually went somewhere. She sees my side of things now. 

We're meeting up on Wednesday. Don't know what we'll be doing. But we're meeting up.

Went to Tim Horton's afterwards for a couple of teas and talked some more. She admitted she needs to start picking and choosing her words because it's like anything she says just seems to upset me more. I told her that I'm struggling, too. 

She then said something that made me think. 

"We seriously have no clue what we're doing."

That much is true. Two months, eight days in. Guess we keep it moving.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Job #2 possibly obtained. This should really help me as far as keeping me busy enough to where I don't even have to think.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

....or so I thought. 

Jesus Christ, I can't stop crying.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> ....or so I thought.
> 
> Jesus Christ, I can't stop crying.


Cherish these tears my man. Every drop makes you insanely strong once all this is over.

I can't believe the person I became after all the rivers I cried. 

Read my thread in the private section if you haven't. It's long enough to keep you entertained for days. I've been where you are.

PM me if you want to meet up. It's summer. I drive long distances for pleasure quite often. You're not even that far


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Synthetic,

On a humorous note.

My wife read your thread too.

She commented on the part where I made the observation that your wife was married to me the 50% of the time she wasn't married to you.

We shared a chuckle over it.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Hey, TAM...

It's been a wild 36 hours....

I spent some time in the Emergency Room. My therapy, my memories, everything I attempted to supress just to make daily life a bit more bearable, surged forth over this past week. 

I OD'd and nearly died. I'm currently at the cafe, trying to stay out of my apartment. My wife spent as much time with me as she could at the hospital, and picked me up after my discharge. 

This had everything to do with me and nothing to do with her or the separation. She knows that. She's just as distraught. She's currently afraid of leaving me alone at my apartment and will be talking to my MIL and FIL tonight about the possibility of me moving there so I can regain my focus, recovery from this, and possibly start moving forward. 

It hit me out of nowhere, and I can't even BEGIN to describe the depths of shame that I feel. Over 24 years of memories rushing forward in the course of about a week, slowly suffocating me until I just couldn't take it any longer. 

My landlord knows the story and is giving me some space to breathe. I told him that STBX and I are currently figuring out my next move to see where I end up. 

I'll do my best to keep you all posted.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

SkyHigh, thank you for posting -- I am so glad you are safe now, and very sorry to hear of what you went through!!! I will only tell you what others have told me, and what I'm sure you realize -- addiction is life or death stuff and deadly serious, not everyone makes it or gets a second chance. Have you spoken with your sponsor, getting to meetings? Whatever may happen in re: your marital situation, there is only one you!!! Please make yourself and your recovery the priority, and the rest -- huge and terrifying as it may seem -- will get sorted out in time with God's help, OK?

Hugs,- A12

For SkyHigh: "Small miracles keep offering new opportunities just when I need change and growth. New friends have shown me hidden truths in those sayings that I once found so shallow. The lessons of tolerance and acceptance have taught me to look beyond exterior appearances to find the help and wisdom so often lurking beneath the surface. All my sobriety and growth, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, are dependent upon my willingness to listen, understand, and change." (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, “A Late Start,” page 542)


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Glad you're back and well Skyhigh. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Let me know if I can be of any help. And keep posting.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks, A12....

....it was an intentional OD. Terrible mixture that I hope and pray nobody else EVER attempts...I feel sub-human.

My neighbours are scared as is my landlord. My landlord has said that me being on my own is probably not the best thing for me right now.

It's either moving in with the ILs and STBX or inpatient at this rate...my depression has hit beyond clinical standards.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Dear SkyHigh - 

Given all you are dealing with, an in-patient is a very good choice, if you can swing it. The right treatment center that works with co-occuring disorders and trauma issues, would give you a safe and supportive healing space to focus on getting a stronger and addressing underlying issues so you can establish a firmer basis to develop and sustain coping skills moving forward. It would be a worthy investment to remove distractions and stressors of navigating the immediate situation and people in your life, in the short run, so you can get on more solid footing. You would be among supportive, understanding non-judgemental people who will help you get to the other side of this. There are places that will take people on scholarships as well, so it will pay to ask a local Intensive Outpatient Tx Center or other counselling professionals for referrals. Know that you are not alone in this, and many have struggled with the same challeneges and come out the other side. There is no shame in having the problems you describe, the task now is to face them and take responsibility for whatever it takes to get you better, so you can get yourself and your life to a happier place, whatever the outcome with your marriage.

In the big picture, it is a small investment that could pay big dividends for you and your future! You can PM me for the place I went in FL, that had a full rnage of professionals that specialized in recovery from co-occuring disorders, and works with clients on a sliding scale depending on your insurance coverage.

You deserve the best possible help and support to get through this, and hope you will consider the above option -- just wanting you to stick around and not give up on yourself before the miracle happens! There is a beautiful future waiting for you, if you say "yes" to it, know you are worth it, and muster the willingness do what it takes to seize it!

Sending prayers and best wishes for healing.

Hugs,- A12


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

One of my neighbours is deadly close to calling out my STBX on the gaslighting. 

Another is VERY close to directly confronting her behavior as of late. 

My own mother is very, VERY close to tearing into her. I'm fighting to keep all sides neutral. 

Apparently a very concerned tone on the end of the phone saying "You need to get here, and you need to get here RIGHT NOW." being met with a snotty "Well, I'll get there when I get there." doesn't resonate very well. 

Sigh.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't protect her.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don't protect her.


You're right. 

I've been put through the absolute worst emotional torture available to any human being. 

Why do I keep feeling the need to protect her? Probably because that's what I've done for years. There's no protection, now. 

I can't anymore.

I've packed her stuff up for her. Took care of our cats, for her. Kept the lines of contact, for her. Paid her BILLS in her absence. 

I'm making a pretty big life transition with employment on Monday. Going to get on a boat on the St. Lawrence Seaway, getting away, and working my a** off, making some good money, and right now, as much as I hate to think like this, I have to....

....getting away from the STBXW would be the healthiest thing I can ever do.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Alright, the boats are going to be a bust. My doctor told me that I am in NO shape emotionally to be making any decisions or moves. I need to find my center of balance. 

STBXW changed a lot yesterday, and a massive wall came down on my end yesterday, the exact reason why I had began holding things in, since the age of FIVE(and mind you, I'm 30 now)....

Since my subconscious has been shredded to all holy hell, it wasn't hard to finally pull this memory forward after being asked one simple question...

"....I understand if this is personal, but........have you been abused?"

Bingo. By many. Probably accounts for my spiral and my attempt to end it...actually....definitely. Even one of my best friends said that just by LOOKING at me he can tell there's always a defensive stance, one that's ready to pounce at even the slightest hint of aggression...

...this separation blog is now over after the long talk with her at the park. A reconciliation thread will be started.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Find a therapist that specializes in recovery from abuse.

Realize that part of your emotional center has been "stuck" at age 5 ever since it happened.

The adult parts of you are going to have to reassure that child-like part that you are on the job and have things under control. And, you are going to get help.

Congrats on the breakthrough - even though it hurts like hell.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks. Still in the midst of writing up that thread in Reconciliation. 

Will be up soon.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Thanks. Still in the midst of writing up that thread in Reconciliation.
> 
> Will be up soon.


I'll look for it.


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