# Moving on with someone new..fears, doubts, concerns



## LadyRider (Aug 20, 2012)

I have been divorced now for one year and 3 months. My ex husband cheated on me, and I left him. I have no regrets over that. It was not a good marriage. In April 2012, I met a new man. He is wonderful. He treats me like gold.

We hit it right off when we met. We had many things in common, we even went to the same high school, but he was enough years ahead of me that he had graduated by the time I entered high school.

I know he likes me a lot. I think he may even already be in love with me. He has not yet said the ILY yet, but he does tell me he will never walk away from me. He's very sweet.

I've met his parents, he's met mine. I've met his friends, he's met mine. He's met my children (he has none of his own) We are, by every aspects, a couple. However.....

About 2 months ago, he asked me if I would make it official, and be his girlfriend. I said no. I told him that I liked the way it was going. I liked the casualness of it all. He said okay and accepted my choice. That was 2 months ago. 

I'm not involved with anyone else, and I know he is not either. Like I said, we are a couple, it is exclusive, my friend's call him my boyfriend, his friends know us as a couple. I think about this every day; should I go ahead and make it official-official with him?

It scares me to death. I like his company. I like being around him. He's a great guy. It's just that I went through so much bad stuff in my marriage, and I was hurt so badly by my ex-husband's affair. I am so afraid of being hurt again. 

No, I've not told him about this fear. Right now, we are exclusive, but there is no commitment. I feel that by making a commitment, there will be feelings, if there are feelings, there will be love, if there is love, I will be hurt. I don't want that to happen to me again.

I said he was a great guy, and I mean that. He makes time for me. He's brought me gifts, he takes me out to dinner, he's taken me and the kids out before. I have no reason, aside from my fear, why I could not make the relationship official.

I know someday I will have to take that step of faith and my heart will be back out on the line. I want to move on with my life. My ex husband is my past and I have no major drama's from him. He has his life, I have mine. Still, he did hurt me and I carry that pain with me even now. It's been a year since our divorce, two years since we parted.

I know they say time heals everything, and I no longer grieve the loss of my marriage but fear of being hurt again does live inside of me. Is this a chance I'm willing to take? I really don't know. Yes, it is as I have been seeing someone exclusively yet no, as I cannot find the courage to make it officially official.

I would appreciate advice from those who had a new relationship after a painful divorce. Were you scared too? How did you handle it?


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I haven't been divorced. But I had still recently been feeling this:


> fear of being hurt again does live inside of me


when I met my husband.

You said you haven't told him about your fear. May I ask why not? My H was verbal about his feelings towards me much faster than I was. I told him I wasn't able to say ILY yet. I told him it had taken me years to get fully over my last break-up and I that I was on guard. I told him I needed to proceed a bit slower than him to feel comfortable. 

Well, my H has his own emotional problems which didn't make it always easy for him to receive such information. But it was vital for me that I shared it. He came to our relationship with baggage too, having been cheated on in several of his earlier relationships. We both had our fears, and still do. Only way for us to get the other person to understand them was to try to share them as openly as we could bear to.

Just my two cents. Maybe someone who's been through a more similar experience with you can give more accurate advice.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

You know, I feel the same way somewhat.

I want nothing conventional, meaning I don't want the "official titles"

I like what I've been up to right now, no stress, no titles, we enjoy each other, we're not sleeping with anyone else, and we also have our own things that we're up to and do. 

I love that. I'm not someones "woman" its so pressure free its delightful. I've honestly never felt the "official" titles were really necessary, as long as two people are on a mutual understanding.

A friend of mine referred to us as a couple and it sent my head spinning for a few days, I freaked a little. every thought from I don't want to get hurt to I don't want to hurt anyone else again it really set me off badly.

I can't even tell you what got me over it, but I did eventually get my anxieties to shut up. Because I can either hide behind them, or just enjoy myself, and I'd rather do the latter.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Be honest with yourself. 
If you found out tomorrow that he was seeing someone else (in a way, feel like he's cheating).. Would you be devastated anyway?

If not, then make it even more casual & start dating other men as well.

If yes, it would hurt you very much just the thought of him being with someone else... well, then, Might as well make it offical & call him the boyfriend, because your heart has already done made a commitment to him for you.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

sounds like you are punishing him for your ex's mistakes.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

dblkman said:


> sounds like you are punishing him for your ex's mistakes.


WHy shouldn't she?
Once bitten twice shy.

If she gets railroaded once, shame on him. If she gets railroaded twice, shame on her.


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## LadyRider (Aug 20, 2012)

I am not punishing him for my ex husband's mistakes. I am proceeding with caution. You don't cross the street without looking both ways first, do you?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> WHy shouldn't she?
> Once bitten twice shy.
> 
> If she gets railroaded once, shame on him. If she gets railroaded twice, shame on her.


And if she lives her days alone rather than commit to a relationship because there is risk....?

That's not a criticism for the caution, which is totally understandable, but sometimes you just have to jump.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LadyRider--I think your best bet is to just be honest with him about how you feel, where your head is at. Communication is key.

I think it is totally normal to feel as you do. After being burned, it's normal to feel cautious and wary. 

Go at the pace you want. State what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

At some point, a man just has to say 'she's just not that into you' and walk away. If I was his friend that's how I would advise him. He's not going to wait forever. 

Not saying you should or should not step the relationship up. Just be prepared that he may bail at some point if you can't commit. A lot of men think this way....fish or cut bait. After a while you start thinking 'I'm not getting any younger and she must not be that into me if she can't even call me her boyfriend'.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

He sounds like a keeper; let him know soon, before someone else does. After all, if you're keeping things casual, he may not wait around forever. Best of luck to you !


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