# How many emotional stages are there?



## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

Okay, so when I first found out my husband cheated, I was in shock and told him to stay at his parents. I never expected this to ever be a problem!
I lapsed into a not wanting to have anything to do with him - I couldn't be around him at all. 
Then, a depression that he would do this to me and how could he do this to me?
Then, a we can work this out and he can come home...
Then, I should forgive him and try to move on.
Then, I need to do anything to make him happy. 
Then, he risked everything for her? (Not who I would have picked if I were risking losing everything)
Then, there has to be more to it. 
Then, it's like nothing happened.
Then, I just want to be near him...
Back to getting depressed thinking about it...
Why was I not good enough...
Feeling bad for him....
Not caring about anything about his day or anything else....
And back and forth, etc.
When will this emotional roller coaster slow down? I am usually a very rational person, but this is getting ridiculous...


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

It doesnt calm down until YOU make it stop.

I finally took control today. I told him, he had one too many options, so I was removing myself as one of them. So now he only has one option, the OW. He has lost his family.. I am done.

I can not tell you how freeing it is.. I actually felt peaceful tonight. Enjoyed a visit with a friend sipping tea outside and didn't once mention him or think about it. 

Its like a weight has lifted. Now I just wish that weight would get out of my house.

I can't remember if I've read your story or not... how long has this been going on for you? are you still together?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I've gone through all those emotions you've described. It's like one step forward and two steps back. But I gotta keep going until it's 3 steps forwards., then four, then five until he no longer matters at all to me. I think I'm in a limbo stage tonight. Not sure how I feel one way or the other. Tomorrow I could be happy or tomorrow I could loathe every human that ever existed.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

It's been a month... We've been together for 6 1/2 years and married for almost 4. He told me right after it happened, we're trying to work it out and going to counseling (I told him that was a requirement as I always said if he cheated that would be it). He said he was drunk and it didn't mean anything... I told him this was the worst thing anyone had done to me and I never expected that to come from him. Some days I feel like I hate him and can't get past this, some days I just want to be with him. I know some people have said it takes years, but I don't know if I can take this for years... I wish he would have done almost anything else!!! It wouldn't have hurt so much!


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

Tonight, btw, is a no sympathy stage. He was making a comment about how his friend got a raw deal because he had a cheating wife, and when I made a comment about it, he got real upset and quit talking. I felt like I should've apologized, but, in a way, it felt good! He's really had it pretty easy considering what happened


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yes, I remember your story now. 

If you are going to try and make it work.. the rollercoaster will eventually slow down, down the road, looooooooong down the road, years probably... after lots of hard work and complete honesty from him. It won't end completely because after something like this is done, you will never trust him 100%


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## familyroots (Apr 29, 2011)

Familyroots is a perfect way to stay connected with those who matter to you. We wish to bring your family together in today’s fast paced life through our portal. Our sole purpose is to preserve the family culture by enabling you to explore, discover and share your life with family and friends. Now you can interact with your loved ones anywhere, anytime.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

familyroots said:


> Familyroots is a perfect way to stay connected with those who matter to you. We wish to bring your family together in today’s fast paced life through our portal. Our sole purpose is to preserve the family culture by enabling you to explore, discover and share your life with family and friends. Now you can interact with your loved ones anywhere, anytime.


Huh? lol


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think the stages mirror those that people with life-ending illnesses face. Its kind of like your marriage is dying, so it is similiar.

Denial - there's no way he would do this to me
Anger - how DARE he do this to me
Bargaining - if he would just stop, I can change, I can be better
Depression - its over and I can't believe it;
Acceptance - there are things in life I just can't control and its time to move on

Of course you move back and forth in between stages.

You get depressed - then they start to act "normal" again and you find yourself bargaining because you think there's still a shot. When they refuse to do the right thing and end things with the OM/OW, you go back to anger or maybe even denial.

Makes sense to me at least.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

NeedingPeace~ This is the first post that I have seen that describes what I am going through to perfection. It is POINT ON, what I too am experiencing. I feel like a PSYCHO! I will go from, "You have 24 hours to be out of this home," (He is gone) to, "Would you consider a reconciliation with counseling and total transparency,?" to "HORRIBLE emails to him" stating my feelings, anger, etc., to "I just want you to know I forgive you and am here for you." to "I can not BELIEVE what he has done to me and my family," to "I was so horrible in this marriage and need to fix it myself" to "I could NEVER be with him again," to "I just want to be with him and be close.......rekindle a GOOD relationship....start over......" to "I HATE what you have done to us and what were you thinking?" Yada, yada, yada.....Even though HE was "the bad guy" in this deal I am still shocked, lonely, mad, feel out of control, sad, ..........and some days.........I feel liberated, strong, confident, happy............When I send "angry rants"(I know, I know!) he COMPLETELY ignores me..........When I am kind, compassionate, and calm, he responds. HAHAHA Go figure! LOL. I am trying SO hard to work the 180, but I don't want him to EVER feel good about any of this. I am out to punish him, but to MOSTLY,.....understand........I have written a " I am setting you free" letter, but have yet to send it to him. I am still too angry and feel I am not yet at that "acceptance phase." I wish you luck with everything, I truly do. This is the hardest thing imaginable, and I know EXACTLY what you are experiencing. Hang in there


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I've worked with hundreds of couples, families and individuals facing this kind of deep marital distress. With the right evidence-based counseling strategies, most couples can use the horrible, painful experience of infidelity as the basis for learning emotional repair and relationship maintenance strategies. 

Not only can you feel good again but you can feel a deeper connection then before if you learn and change your behavior together. 

I don't think it's as valuable to look at "emotional stages" as it is to look at your feelings in the marriage in terms of repairing injuries and replacing fear, loneliness and anger with security, safety and love. This means non-critically expressing, listening for and meeting each others core relationship needs reciprocally. 

Right now, it's your husbands responsibility to soothe you emotionally, provide you with full transparency, and really listen to how you have been hurt. Protective boundaries need to be set up and safety planning around high risk situations (for emotional affairs) need to be set up to protect the marriage. 

Let me know If I can help out in any way. I'd love to answer any questions in order to help you both and to share information with other couples in distress as well.

- Duddy.


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