# Ex-Wife refuses to talk



## rep

I have been seperated over 2 years and divorced almost 1 year. It was an ugly divorce bc she wanted huge sums of money and both kids. My older daughter,,,well she made her a friend and told her so many false bad stories that she has alienated me. My son is 7 and we have joint. Due to our schedules and the bus, we rarely have to see each other or even speak. I havent spoken to her since August. This christmas, i sent a nice text saying that we should let by gones be what they are and try an d be friendly for the kids sake. We will be in each others lives forever. Now I know she finds some kind of enjoyment if she can hurt me but I dont. If I won something in the divorce or here that something happened to her, it upsets me. I hear from others that she goes around bashing me "still" and I feel that if Im nice, it pisses her off. I think she thrives on the drama. How do I get her to see that we spent 17 years together and enough is enough?
I have been told that if she allows herself to be nice, then it voids all the horrible stuff she has said about me and has done to me. Does being mean keep her from feeling the pain or something?? All i know is that I just want to be freindly and work together for the kids sake. 
Are people (women) really that bitter that it can last this long?? Everyone asks me, "what the hell did you do to her?"


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## Crankshaw

being 'mean' validates her feelings, her reason for splitting up. If she was to stop being the scorned one she would then have to deal with realities.

My ex is the same, she chose to end the marriage, she said she was no longer in love with me, but she needs to validate.

Yep, they need to move on, will they, who knows, and in my case, I no longer care (coming up 2 years separated).


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## rep

Thats what Im told but wow, you gotta let go at some point. I would think the hate would wear you out. I gave up a while ago. She always wants to threaten with lawyer stuff. My son got an I-pod for Christmas and he is able to text for fun and he texted me asking me something. I said yes and that I would text his mom about it. He said for me to be nice to her, and dont tell her that he told me that. I cried bc she still says horrible stuff about me in-front of him and I have NEVER done that and never will. He always asks me if I love her and I say, yes buddy and I always will. When I ask if he does the same with his mom, he states that she laughs. 
It sucks but he is being hurt and I cant really do anything except be there for him. Anyway, thanks for the reply


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## Runs like Dog

Nah, not worth it. I can't see anyone like that changing. They live to be miserable and making everyone around them miserable. There is no way to make people like that pretend acting civilized.


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## Bafuna

What the hell did you do to her? 

Maybe you need to apologise for whatever you did and not expect her to just get over it, she was probably really hurt and is finding it hard to accept although she really should.


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## gulfwarvet

Ok- I'm new here but I find my self posting along because I see my situation in these issues.After a bitter divorce with someone that felt entitled to everything we owned,the kids etc.and of course the courts ruling didn't meet her requirements.Yeah I'm dealing with a bitter ex.Do I expect her to change no.I had a similiar conversation about bygones it was met with a profanity laced explosion from her.-First time we had spoken in 3years -Given her demeanor in our marriage it didn't surprise me.I won't go back for seconds.


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## EnjoliWoman

Nope, 9 years later ex is still hateful and uncooperative. He barely communicates and either ignores my communications or will reply with a long, multi-page accusatory email. 

He tried to alienate our daughter but a court-ordered psychological evaluation revealed all of that for the courts.

Read "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Warshack. It is full of great ideas to maintain connection with your kids as well as ideas on how to be honest with kid about the divorce without bashing. Sometimes they have to know that Mom is still bitter and says mean things and that's not right but you can't control what she does and only what you do. That type of discussion is perfectly OK. 

Best of luck. It's a shame I think "wow I can't wait until she's 18" when I should be savoring every moment and wanting to slow the clock. I keep wishing for an accidental fatality but it is true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. (Or at least makes you aware of your strength.)


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## EleGirl

Which of you wanted the divorce? Was there something in particular that you did to anger her?

Many people can never have anything to do with their ex. There is too much built up.

I've been divorced from my son's father since 1996. I am cordial to him when I see him or have to have any dealings with him. But I will never have much to do with him. He cheated on me for years with several women. I did not find this out until near the end of our marriage. He was also emotionally and physically abusive. He tried to steal a large sum of money from me. If he dropped off the face of the earth it would be ok with me. But I do not harbor hate. I hardly ever even think of him.


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## Shooboomafoo

I have found that most people simply want to plaster their label on what it is they think you are doing, being the degreed psychotherapists they are.. I harbor a healthy desire to remove myself and my dealings towards the ex completely. Ive committed sixteen years of my life to someone that took all of that and decided to cheat on me, to enact her plan behind the scenes long before mention of being "out of love" was ever made. Some switch in her head turned her into someone completely different. 
She is my daughter's mother, but that is about it, as I find it even difficult to use the term "human" at this moment, because she lacks the human-empathy. Its weird how some people can justify every poor decision they make with all kinds of nonsense, but never really possess the ability to admit that they severely fked up, and hurt someone else beyond simple excuse. They fail to grasp that most basic common part of human nature. Those people do nothing but absorb, and suck the best parts of other people right out of them, into the vacuous void that is their lack of self-love. Nothing will ever fill them, and I refuse to line up again in any radius close enough for her to be able to take from me again. Some would call it "my harboring resentment", as it would seem to appear to be in some cases, but I know my reasons, and thats good enough for me.


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## Shooboomafoo

Its kind of messed up though. For as much as I do not want to have anything at all to do with this woman ever again.... having moved on to the point to know that communication with her is wrought with innuendo and self-centered manipulation,, keeping away is healthy for me, emotionally, physically, and financially.

But, its not so easy. With all of 2 years gone by, and her having moved some idiot into the house with her and our kid 3 months after my moving out, as we approach the divorce decree stipulation of time she has left to sell and move out of the marital home, I find myself extremely on edge about where she may choose to move to, and how bad its effects will be on every aspect of my trying to have a life with my kid. She has already changed her mind on where she wants the kid to go to school, which was the primary reason I was looking in the area I was during and after the divorce to move to. 

No real truth to those earlier discussions though.. she's decided its all up in the air now. She could move somewhere that makes it way too difficult to get my kid back and forth to school, etc.

I DESPISE DEEPLY, that it is up to this empty sack of a human to pick and choose where she wants to live, and can cause a huge problem for me with logistics and getting the kid around.

The decree does stipulate a distance she cannot go beyond when moving, but it could still be a problem.

Issues like this, that still seem like I am having to bend my life around the decisions of a sociopath, cause me great distress.


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## gulfwarvet

Amen -you have summed up a lot of my thoughts exactly-It doesn't even really matter what happened in my marriage as I see it .She made the divorce so horrible -(I tried to get things settled in mediation early on)-that in itself completely destroyed any chance of things being decent later on.Funny thing though after it was done she ended up with approximatly the same as I offered her.The only difference was her attorney got the lions share of it.


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## tulsy

Every situation is different, but I learned the hard way that the less contact, the better. Little to no contact, and only contact with regards to children. 

-Keep it to emails
-MAYBE texts (I suggest reserving texts to "almost emergency" situations)
-No calling unless it's an emergency.

There should be no reasons to talk...you cannot be friends with someone who doesn't like you, just like you cannot be friends with someone you don't like.

You should NOT have sent that text...DO NOT get nostalgic with your ex.

You need to let it go too and move on. Consume yourself with your new life in order to reduce the pain of the past, and time will heal the rest.


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## rep

Tulsey,
I dont see how thats healthy for the kids. My girlfriend and her ex talk all the time and have b-day parties togehter with there son. I think its healthy. 
I finally reached out after not speaking for 6 months. I sent a super nice text saying how the kids would benefit if they saw us interact, I mean come-on, we are going to see each other at events and such. Rather it be a nice event and not somethig wierd in-front of the kids. 
Anywya, she texted back (get an email). I have refused email bc she goes crazy on me in those things. I think we can be civil and chat. Trust me Im taking the high road and think of the kids here. She took everything and left me a couch and tv. I lost millions of dollars and had to file bankruptcy and she still wants to sue more. All that and I still think of the kids.


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## gulfwarvet

Some people can seperate amicably and be friends-kudos to them.Some of us are dealing with angry exes its better for us to have little contact with them.If their is the potential for conflict to be involved then isn't it better to keep the kids out of it?


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## Bobby5000

She continues to be mean and says things because she has not gotten over you.


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## salsagirl

Shooboomafoo said:


> I have found that most people simply want to plaster their label on what it is they think you are doing, being the degreed psychotherapists they are.. I harbor a healthy desire to remove myself and my dealings towards the ex completely. Ive committed sixteen years of my life to someone that took all of that and decided to cheat on me, to enact her plan behind the scenes long before mention of being "out of love" was ever made. Some switch in her head turned her into someone completely different.
> She is my daughter's mother, but that is about it, as I find it even difficult to use the term "human" at this moment, because she lacks the human-empathy. Its weird how some people can justify every poor decision they make with all kinds of nonsense, but never really possess the ability to admit that they severely fked up, and hurt someone else beyond simple excuse. They fail to grasp that most basic common part of human nature. Those people do nothing but absorb, and suck the best parts of other people right out of them, into the vacuous void that is their lack of self-love. Nothing will ever fill them, and I refuse to line up again in any radius close enough for her to be able to take from me again. Some would call it "my harboring resentment", as it would seem to appear to be in some cases, but I know my reasons, and thats good enough for me.


WOW!!!! You hit the nail on the head! I have reason to believe my soon-to-be-ex is borderline sociopath, probably antisocial personality disorder. Right now, I'm dealing with him ignoring my text messages to him, though they are ONLY about our 2 year old son. I am documenting everything and taking screen shots of texts, when I send them and when he reads them. I intend to file an intent for a motion for enforcement of parenting plan once I have plenty of proof to show that he refuses to coparent with me, communicate with me, for the well-being of our son.


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## EleGirl

salsagirl said:


> WOW!!!! You hit the nail on the head! I have reason to believe my soon-to-be-ex is borderline sociopath, probably antisocial personality disorder. Right now, I'm dealing with him ignoring my text messages to him, though they are ONLY about our 2 year old son. I am documenting everything and taking screen shots of texts, when I send them and when he reads them. I intend to file an intent for a motion for enforcement of parenting plan once I have plenty of proof to show that he refuses to coparent with me, communicate with me, for the well-being of our son.


This is a zombie thread from more than 2 years ago. If you want support, start a new thread of your own.


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## Jellybeans

rep said:


> How do I get her to see that we spent 17 years together and enough is enough?


You can't. Either she will stop being angry or she won't. It has nothing to do with you.

If she blows you off or is rude to you, then that is on her. You don't have to tolerate it or even be involved with it. If you try to reach out to her all the time for non-children related matters, then stop. It's not worth your time. 

Let her bash you all she wants. That says more about her than about you.



rep said:


> Are people (women) really that bitter that it can last this long?


For some people (men, too) it can last a long time. 

Just rid yourself of her angry tantrums by not even acknowledging it.


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## Jellybeans

EleGirl said:


> This is a zombie thread from more than 2 years ago. If you want support, start a new thread of your own.


Oh damn. I just fell for it.


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## Coffee Amore

Let this thread rest in peace. It's quite old.


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