# Am I being unreasonable?



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Ok so my husband has some family issues going on, which I wont go into here... but let's say he is stressed about it. I knew something was going on because he didn't seem to be in a good mood... anyway my husband was texting his cousin and talking to him about the issue. Something came up about my husbands mother's gun... my husband said that his mom needs to just get rid of her gun. My husbands cousin agreed and said she needs to take it to a pawn shop. As my husband was texting his cousin, I was standing right next to him so I could see what they were saying... so we started talking about it and he said that his mom doesn't need to take her gun to a pawn shop, and that he would offer to take it. I said to him "just let her pawn it. We have plenty of guns." This is a subject that's came up before and he always acts like im being ridiculous... but I don't think I am. We already have 3 guns in the house. I really didn't want him to get any guns after the first one but he did anyway... I don't have a problem with having one gun in the house because it makes me feel protected in case I ever need it... but I don't want to have guns all over the place... it just makes me feel uneasy. He offered to put them in a safe and lock them up.... but he has yet to do so. Today when the issue was brought up, he didn't even want to hear it... he just threw up his hands and walked outside. Its like we just can't discuss anything at all if he's stressed out about something.. and more often than not, it seems like when he's stressed, its because of his family. There is always something going on with them. I would feel better if the guns were kept in a safe but I still see no point in having more than one gun. You only need one to defend yourself... but he feels he should be able to get all the guns he wants. He already has 3... how many more does he need?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

So I take it this isn't really about guns, and more so about you and your H not compromising?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

More guns the better for me. That being said, they need to be secured at all times.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Yes... usually we are able to compromise on most things but this is one of those things that I feel he isn't willing to work with me on. I suppose his way of compromising is putting the guns in a safe.. as long as they're in a safe he feels he should be able to get as many as he wants. I disagree. I see no point in it. Actually he has got 4 guns... I wasn't including his 12 gauge shotgun. Its not at our house though... he left it at his dads house. I feel like I've been prett leniant with him about this... I didn't want him to get a second or a third or a fourth gun... but I went along with it anyway... but its getting to the point where he is still talking about wanting more... it makes me think he will never have enough and that the house is going to be full of guns... safe or not, I don't like the idea. It makes me uncomfortable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Is he using the guns for hunting or practice shooting? What is it that makes you uncomfortable about them?

My H has four guns now. I suspect he will keep adding to his collection as well. Frankly though, I could care less. So long as he's not buying one every year.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What are you fearing? If it is one or twenty guns it is more than zero. Either they are kept safely (whatever is necessary for your specific circumstances) or they are not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, I think you might be being unreasonable, though not about putting them into a locked safe. 

Different guns have different purposes and uses. Just one gun won't necessarily offer an enthusiast the different opportunities he'd want them to serve. You'd use a completely different weapon for hunting than you would use for self defense, and depending on what's being hunted and where you need to defend yourself, different ones would work differently. 

Now whether he has real need of them or not isn't the question. He's a grown man. If you don't believe you have to fear him using a gun on people, then why not let him do what he feels is ok, as long as he does it in a safe way?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Totally agree w/Kathy on this. My husband is retired Army, so he is obviously adept at using weapons. He also grew up on a farm in Kansas, where it was simply accepted that everyone had guns. Yes, we had a number of guns in our home, and they were used for different purposes. 

I see no problem whatsoever with anyone owning as many guns as they wish, as long as they are legally registered and are locked up appropriately. 

The only time I was nervous having a gun in my house was when my former husband (now deceased), who was a RAVING narcissist brought an UNREGISTERED handgun into the house. I left two weeks after I found the damn thing on a shelf in our home office. Now THAT made me very, very nervous; a nut-job with a terrible temper, who had no formal training in handling weapons ... I didn't want to stick around waiting for him to shoot me!


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> as long as they're in a safe he feels he should be able to get as many as he wants. I disagree. I see no point in it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure you do and have lots of things that many of us men would see no point in. 

I do agree he needs a safe but this gun may have some type of sentimental value to him. 

I have an uncle that collects guns and he use to give me one for Christmas EVERY year. So, I have over 20 guns and I've never once shot them but they do have value to me. 

Seems to me the communication is the real issue here. 

Also, why can't you just go out and purchase a safe yourself so there is a place to put the guns?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate guns. Will never have one in my home. I've lost cousins (minors) to accidents with guns because people "didn't get around to locking them up."

Unreal. 

Do you have children in the home?

And it's said that with home robberies, many people get shot by their own gun because they are surprised, usually sleeping and get the gun taken from them...if they can get to their gun at all.

I know hunters like them, it's a sport. Lock them up.


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## CrystalPalace (Apr 7, 2011)

Guns for men can be like anything else they'd like to collect. They don't make him uncomfortable. If they're not a burden on the family cost-wise, he's got just as much right to want to collect them as you have to "not see the point." There is no point, it's just something he likes.

You sound a little wishy-washy on the safety thing. You are okay with a few, but not a lot. It's hard to argue that more guns are more dangerous than one. You're also giving mixed signals about the gun safe. You should really put your foot down on that one. 

Best regards,


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

We don't have any guns, so I don't know how I'd feel with one or more in the house. It would probably weigh on me, especially if they were not locked up. That's irresponsible. However, since you do have guns, I think you should take action and buy a safe instead of waiting for your H to buy one. If he's putting it off, then the ball is in your court.

Also, I think you should wait to talk to him when it's not a stressful moment. Surely there is some down time. Ask him how many guns he wants, why, what they mean to him, why his Mom's gun. Let him know how you feel. When he's in the middle of a texting conversation and riled up with family issues is not a good time for this talk. Maybe you two can go out to dinner and talk.

So, no, you're not being unreasonable. You just need to approach this smartly....and buy the safe.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

My husband does not hunt. If he used the guns to hunt, I'd be able to understand why he feels the need to have so many... but they really aren't serving any purpose at this point. The only thing he uses them for is self defense... he has never had to use one on anyone before though. The only time they get used is every now and then he will go out practice shooting. Its been a long time since he has even done that though. It has been at least a year or more... mainly just because bullets are so expensive. 

I just think if the only reason you want a gun is for self defense, all it takes is one gun to kill someone. I have worried before about someone breaking in and possibly taking one of the guns... but my husband usually doesn't just leave them laying like that. He tries to hide them. He always puts one of his guns close by the bed so that if anyone ever broke in, he'd have the gun right there and ready to go. He never keeps a bullet in the chamber though.. this is something else I've talked about with him and he always assures me that he never leaves a bullet in the chamber. 

As for his other guns, I really don't always know where he keeps them. Sometimes he takes them with him whenever he goes out of town.... last time he went out of town he took them with him, and they ended up staying in the car for several days before he brought them in. I think thats the part that makes me nervous.... just not always knowing where the guns are at. If they could all just be kept in a secure place, so that I could always know where they are at, I would feel a lot better. 

I think he just feels like theres no point in having one if you can't get to it when you need it.... thats why he always keeps one near the bed at night. We do not have any kids yet but probably will in the near future. I told him that once we do have kids, he is going to have to put the guns in a safe, no questions asked. He agreed that he would. 

Id prefer if he went ahead and did it now though.... he keeps saying he will but he hasnt. I guess I could go out and buy one myself.

I do not see any reason to have as many guns as he does, but guns are something that he is interested in... just like I have things that I am interested in... so I guess all I can really do is just at least require that they be kept in a secure place.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Tell your H you are too stressed to have sex, cook, and clean. When he questions you about it, just throw your hands in the air and walk away. If he persists, tell him you will change then don't. Do this 3 times (maybe 4). 

Short of making him feel how he makes you feel, I don't see another solution. This doesn't sound like a gun discussion, but more of how you have let your H treat you. His further refusing to discuss something of importance with you, no matter how "stressed" by someone that isn't YOU, is a sign he doesn't really care about your opinion on the topic.


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## Mike_77 (Apr 24, 2013)

I come from another culture and I would feel uneasy to have guns all over.
Said that I believe your usband has the right to collect as many guns as he wants BUT:
- must not impact on your finances
- he MUST be careful with that

Anyway, why you don't just go to buy a safe with him right away?

M.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you asked why he wants this/these particular gun or guns?
Have you gone shooting?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Before you could know how many weapons or what types of weapons your family needs, you would have to know what the future will bring. You don't and you can't. The gun you so despise might one day save your life. The world could go to hell in a hand basket quicker and easier than you'd care to imagine. They need to be well maintained, properly secured and you need to get over your paranoia and learn how to use them. Not only might this weapon save your life but it is going to increase in value faster than any other investment I can imagine. The scarier things get, the more valuable it will become. Your husband is wise to hang on to it rather than see it go to a pawn shop for pennies on the dollar. People fear that which they don't understand. If your husband is an irresponsible lunatic, you should have married better. If he's a reasonably intelligent, responsible adult, trust that he may occasionally have a sound idea and he's not disagreeing with you to piss you off. 
If he hasn't gotten around to buying a safe and that's your major hang-up, the store will sell one to you. You can also buy an inexpensive trigger lock. Guns aren't evil. I think your problem isn't the number of guns in your home but the lack of trust you have in your husband.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

It's not just an issue about hunting or self-defense. I can understand him not wanting to pawn it because you will get very little of what it's worth. Much better to sell it on gunbroker.com or at a gun show. However, as someone else said, the issue here obviously isn't really about guns. It's about how he handles stress and about how you two communicate.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wanted to give you a better answer now that I have access to a real computer.

As one of the "gun guys" here I am always in favor of responsible gun ownership. Your concerns about safety are never unreasonable, though I think the way they are manifesting in your interactions with your husband are not productive.

First off, he has the right to want and to enjoy a variety of guns (or guitars or cars or stained glass windows, etc). What a person enjoys is not subject to outside approval or understanding. As long as his interests are not harmful to the family it is not your place to judge if he should or should not want another.

So it is not going to be effective to try to argue with him whether or not he "needs" another gun.

As to safety, yes you absolutely have the right to put safety at the top of the priority list. And it can be a divorce level issue if he is truly unsafe.

I think you could use some basic info about gun safety in the home, and so could he.

A locked up unloaded gun is useless for self defense. Whether it is in the home or out in public, a gun should be immediately available if it is to be considered usable for self defense. There are ways to keep a gun safely away from children but still available. There are a variety of quick-access safes which will hold several handguns. This can be bolted to the floor under the bed or bolted to the night stand. Either mechanical or electronic lock systems can be installed. This way he can keep a fully loaded handgun close by at night yet you can be sure it is not available to any children who are visiting or any others who stumble upon it.

There are similar quick access safes for shotguns if he keeps a shotgun for home defense.

A fully loaded gun is one with a round in the chamber. It is a mistake to think a gun is safer without a round in the chamber. There are many defensive scenarios where a person could not rack the slide to chamber a round. Modern firearms manufactured in the last 100 years are drop-safe, meaning they will not fire if dropped. They just won't. The gun will only fire if the trigger is pulled.

So I support keeping a defensive firearm fully loaded. Your fears are normal (I had them too when I first started carrying a concealed defensive firearm), but there is no danger to keeping the gun fully loaded.

Every person in a home with guns should know the basic safety rules. Perhaps you could find a way for both of you to go over some safety information as a way to be sure he is fully up to speed. Ask him to explain a brochure or a video which you acquired. The NRA has gobs of information about safe handling and safe storage of firearms. Your local gun store probably has free handouts with safety info. Every gun manufacturer will have safety information on their website.

Any gun not in his immediate control should be locked up. In my opinion it is not safe to leave guns in his car unless there is a safe of some sort (they do sell them). Theft is a real concern. I think you might consider approaching him with the angle that it would be horrible to know one of your own guns was being used by criminals. Rather than nagging him about being unsafe, you could play to his desire to be the good guy.

You don't have to spend a ton of money to secure the guns. You can buy some coated stranded wire at Home Depot and run it through the trigger guards of long guns and then lock them to something sturdy. Think of it as locking a bicycle to a bike rack. I bought a wooden gun cabinet at a garage sale for about $5, then ran a cable through the wall and around the studs and into the gun cabinet. Including everything I probably spent less than $30 to secure a bunch of long guns from theft or unauthorized access.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

wow im so glad im not married to you really, i have 8 guns and the last one i bought i paid 6 grand for......still getting more. wife never complained at all.....P.S. you can NEVER have to many guns or bulets


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> I wanted to give you a better answer now that I have access to a real computer.
> 
> As one of the "gun guys" here I am always in favor of responsible gun ownership. Your concerns about safety are never unreasonable, though I think the way they are manifesting in your interactions with your husband are not productive.
> 
> ...


My husband has mentioned the thing about having a safe that bolts to the floor. I keep telling him that I'd feel a lot more comfortable if he'd get a safe, but he still hasn't got one yet so that tells me that he must be fine with the way the guns are being kept right now. As I said, he never just leaves guns laying around all over the place visible to everyone. He always puts them away. Just yesterday he told me that he thought keeping your guns in a "hiding place" is better than keeping them in a safe. I do not agree. I said to him "and what happens when someone finds your hiding place? Whether it be someone who breaks into your house, or a child, or whoever. 

If you have your guns in a safe, you don't have to worry about that. Even if someone finds your safe, theyre not going to be able to gain access to it... only you will. And you don't have to worry about them stealing the safe because it will be bolted down. A safe seems like the only sure way to be completely sure that noone is going to be able to get their hands on any of the guns. 

I know some of you who are huge gun enthusiasts think I'm just some overly paranoid idiot and would hate to be married to me, but believe it or not, I have been pretty passive about this. If my husband and I had kids by now, I would have made sure the guns were kept in a safe a LONG time ago. And I made it clear to him that when we do have kids that those guns WILL be a in a safe, no question about it. He understands this. If we had a child in the house, even if the guns were kept in a "hiding place", I still wouldn't feel comfortable simply for the fact that kids are constantly getting into things... if there is anything that can be found, they will find it. 

I just want to be clear that I am not one of these people that think guns are evil or that guns need to be banned. I just don't see the need in having a whole collection of them.... but thats just me. As I said, guns are my husband's thing... just like motorcycles and cars are his thing... just like shopping for new clothes and getting my hair done is my thing. I still do the things that I enjoy, and I see nothing wrong with that.... as long as I'm not doing it to the point where I'm putting us in a bind financially... but I don't do that and neither does he. I realize I was probably wrong for trying to control how many guns he can have.... However, I don't believe that its too much to ask at all that he at least keep them in a safe place. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own home just as much as he does, and I do not feel comfortable having guns spread out all over the house, not always knowing where they are.

He told me that HE always knows where the guns are at, and that he always remembers where he puts them... and that its his thing and I shouldn't worry about it. Well Im sorry but I can't help but to worry about it because the guns are in OUR house... if someone finds one of them and has an accident, or a criminal takes it and uses it to shoot innocent people, as you suggested, I'm going to feel just as guilty about it as him.... even if they aren't technically MY guns.. they came from MY house. 

I want to say also that I have been practice shooting with my husband before.... he was worried too about me not being able to pull the slide back, so he showed me how to do it and he made me practice doing it several times. So if I ever did need to use one of the guns in self defense, I dont think pulling the slide back would be an issue for me, although it could have possibly been, if he hadn't have made me practice doing it. However, personally I'd rather him just leave a round in the chamber and keep it in a safe. I agree with you that are certainly ways to have a gun available in case you ever need it, while making sure that its kept in a secure place at the same time. 

My husband for the most part, is a pretty responsible person. Its not that I think he's too unstable to have a gun or that hes going to do something crazy with it.... its not that at all. I trust him very much in that way. Its other people that I worry about... I don't want anyone else to be able to have access to our guns... and I just dont feel that having them in a hiding place is good enough. 

All of my husbands guns are registered, and in fact he even has a concealed weapon permit.... not once did I ever try to discourage him from getting the permit. I am actually very glad that he has it... I think of all the tragedies that have happened, such as the Aurora shooting and the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting.... and I can't help but to ask myself "what if just ONE person had have had a gun? What if someone with a concealed weapon permit like my husband had been there?" I highly doubt there would have been nearly as many lives lost. In fact a lot of these things probably wouldnt have happened in the first place. If you notice, a lot of these crazy people that do things like this always target places such as movie theaters, schools, etc... and its because they are "gun free" zones. They know that noone in there is going to have a gun because its a gun free zone, therefore making it an ideal place to go on a killing spree. Banning guns and making places "gun free" zones is a ridiculous idea and it accomplishes nothing... all it does is make us defenseless. Of course all of the law abiding citizens aren't going to bring a gun into a gun free zone because we obey the law... but criminals don't care. Criminals are going to break the law regardless. 

I didn't grow up in a house with a lot of guns... my parents were never into guns. There were like most everyone else in America.... they were afraid of guns and wanted nothing to do with them. Then I met my husband and he showed me that they are nothing to be afraid of and that they can save your life. I agree with him 100% on this... I just want to be clear that by NO means am I against guns. I support them fully. But because I didn't grow up around them, having them around the house is a very new thing for me and even though I support them all the way, I can't help but to feel a little bit uneasy, knowing that they are not locked up. 

I think me trying to control how MANY guns that he has was just me being controlling and I was wrong for that. I certainly wouldn't like for him to put a limit on how many pairs of shoes I can by... or how many times I can get my hair done in a year. I agree that how many guns he has should not be a problem as long as he isn't spending money on them that we don't have, and putting us in a bad financial situation, which as I said, he does not do. 

My husband does not handle stress very well. When he threw his hands in the air and walked outside, I knew then that I needed to drop it and talk to him about it later. So I waited until we got home, and he explained to me why he was so upset. I didn't go into detail about his family issues.... but I will just say that him wanting his mom to get rid of her guns was related to the family issues that he was having. Without going into too much detail, someone in his family has been having a rough time in their life and lets just say my husband doesn't feel that this person is stable enough to be trusted with having a gun in the home, at least not at this time.... so he was offering to take his mother's guns out of her home, possibly just temporarily, for the sake of his mother's and this other person's safety. He said he didn't know if his mother would be willing to pawn them, which is why he was going to offer to just take them off her hands for the time being. So this whole thing really wasn't about my husband wanting another gun.... it was about him being concerned for a family member's safety. I don't know why I didn't see it but at the time, when he mentioned bringing more guns into the home I just automatically started to nag him about how he didn't need anymore guns.... For some reason, I wasn't thinking about his family issues and the reason WHY he wanted his mother's guns... but once he brought it to my attention, I got it... and I told him that I understood, and that he needed to do whatever he had to do. I was completely in the wrong here. I was just thinking about myself and how I didn't want for my husband to get anymore guns.... I wasn't even thinking about his family members and all that they are going through right now. I just wish he could have talked to me about it right then instead of blowing me off and then acting aggravated by me the rest of the day... If he had have just told me how he was feeling right then and there, we could have resolved it a lot sooner. 

I know there is a time and a place to talk to him about certain things and that doing it when hes stressed out about something isnt the right time. There are times when he isn't stressed out.... but here lately it seems like about 90% of the time he IS stressed out... and hes usually either stressed out about work or hes stressed out about some crap thats going on with his family. If I ever do bring up an issue with him thats bothering me, even if he isn't stressed out to begin with, he usually still gets riled up over it and starts raising his voice... its almost impossible for him to just have a normal, calm discussion about something without getting worked up. I know that Im not always right about things... thats why I like to talk about things with him so that we can figure something out. I am perfectly willing to admit when I am wrong if you can give me valid points and prove it to me. Its just like theres never a good time to talk to him about anything.... he either complains that I'm talking to him late at night and he needs to go to bed, or he complains if I talk to him about something right after he gets off work... because when he gets done with work, he just wants to come home and not talk about work or anything else remotely stressful... and any free time that he has, he is usually on the phone with his mom or his dad... or hes out riding his motorcycle. 

I just feel like its never a good time for him to want to talk to me about stuff like this.... His way of dealing with something stressful is usually just by not talking about it. I always have to be very careful anytime I bring up a serious subject with him and I always try to talk with him as calmly as possible but it doesn't talk long for him to start raising his voice and getting his blood pressure up... and I always have to tell him "Don't yell. Lets just a normal conversation about this". In general, hes a very laid back person and he has a lot of patience with people... He has patience with people at work... TOO much patience if you ask me... hes like that with everyone.... it just seems like... I dont know.. maybe he doesn't have as much patience for me anymore as he does for everybody else. Maybe I just get on his nerves more than everyone else..


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> wow im so glad im not married to you really, i have 8 guns and the last one i bought i paid 6 grand for......still getting more. wife never complained at all.....P.S. you can NEVER have to many guns or bulets


No offense, but I'm glad Im not married to you either. Not everyone has $6,000 to shell out on a gun but if you do, then good for you.. have all the guns you want. If collecting guns is your thing, then go for it. As long as you are responsible with them, I see no problem. I was wrong for trying to control how many guns he can get. I'm sure there are tons of guns that he would love to buy right now but he hasn't bought one in years because he knows we don't have the money for stuff like that right now. Im still going to ask that he keep them in a safe, and if I have to, I will even go buy one myself... and I dont see that as being unreasonable. I just see it as being responsible and trying to make myself feel more comfortable in my own home. 

Good for your wife if she has never once complained about your guns... I suppose she's never complained about anything else you've bought either. I bet shes just perfect. If she is, then congratulations! You found the only woman on earth who never nags or complains to her husband about anything. I sometimes make mistakes and I sometimes am wrong... Its called being human. The difference between me and some people is that I can admit when I'm wrong and I know how to swallow my pride and be the bigger person in order to resolve the issue.


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## Dale.Gribble (Mar 31, 2013)

Let me chime in.

I am a avid hunter and shooter (IPSC, IDPA).

I live in Canada, here we can own almost all the guns you guys have in he states, except for ak's, handguns w/ barrels under 4inches etc.

I have spend close to 3 grand on a S&W AR before. Just dropped 2 on a XCR.

I live at home, and am 23 years old. I know what you are thinking, I am stupid w/ my money and I agree. Racking up credit card debt to buy fancy guns is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

Thats beside the point.

I feel that you should compromise w/ your husband. Each firearm has a purpose. 

For example, I use a shotgun for grouse, goose and duck.

44 mag lever for Bear

.22 Lever for frogs, squirrels and racoons.

.223 or 17HMR for coyotes and wolves.

ETC.

I think your husband is being childish. I would feel a perfect compromise is if you guys can afford to spend money on guns, he should be able to buy the ones he wants, but he should lock them up.

Here in Canada, it is Mandatory that our "restricted firearms" are locked up in a gun cabinet or gun safe.

If it is a gun safe, you can store ammo w/ your guns and no trigger lock is needed.

If it is a gun cabinet, then you cannot store ammo with the guns and your "restricted firearms" need to be cable or trigger locked.

Tell him he to get rid of the guns, or lock them up. PLAIN AND SIMPLE


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

I am a gun person and a female. I completely get what you are saying and I would be concerned over having unsecured guns lying all over the house.

I think I would do one of two things. I would suggest his mother get a personal gun safe, which is the size of a large shoebox and keep her gun in that. She could program her own combination. It will greatly reduce the access to the weapon for the person in her household who may use the gun to do harm to self or other. And the gun does not come to live at your house.

My other suggestion addresses the guns in your home already. I am surprised that after taking a CCW course, your husband would leave loaded guns lying around. A compromise might involve the two of you taking a gun safety course together at a gun range. It will help you appreciate the benefits of gun ownership, become more educated on gun safety (including proper storage), and become more confident in handling weapons. It will also refresh your husband's knowledge of gun safety and give the two of you a common base to figure a better way to store his guns. They should be stored safely. Moving loaded, unsecured weapons around the house is not safe. If he is always moving them around, you will not have access to them should the need arise to defend yourself. Better to put a personal gun safe in an easily accessible place and keep the gun in there.

As far as the cost of guns, I look at it this way. They are sort of like money in the bank. I have never had a problem selling a gun, and usually for more than what I have paid for it, particularly if I have had it for a long time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I don't believe that its too much to ask at all that he at least keep them in a safe place. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own home just as much as he does, and I do not feel comfortable having guns spread out all over the house, not always knowing where they are.
> 
> He told me that HE always knows where the guns are at, and that he always remembers where he puts them... and that its his thing and I shouldn't worry about it. Well Im sorry but I can't help but to worry about it because the guns are in OUR house... if someone finds one of them and has an accident, or a criminal takes it
> .
> ...


I think you need to find a way to negotiate this with him. I'm sure I am not the best at finding diplomatic ways of approaching things, so hopefully others will chime in with some good ideas.

Communication consists of the message being sent and also of the message being received. He may not be receiving the same message you are attempting to send. He may have some kind of family history or emotional filter which you are not even aware of. You might be intending to send a particular message but your communication style comes across his receiver as something different.

You are 100% right in this being YOUR house as well as his house. And nobody has a perfect memory, so he will fail to remember once in a while. And if you ever have a child or even an adult visitor in your house, any gun not on his body and not locked up is a very real safety threat. Kids get into everything, and they do it in no time at all. Like all those horrible stories of small kids drowning in the family pool when the adult runs inside to get a soda or answer the doorbell.

His approach to difficult topics is sometimes called _Off The Table-itis_. The topic is off limits for discussion. It is not an acceptable approach. This itself is something which needs some fixing in your marriage. Maybe work your way up from minor issues, prepping him by starting out with saying it is not personal and you are not criticizing him. When you do discuss things try to state back what he said and ask him if that is correct. Ask him questions to dig deeper without stating your position and without correcting him. Basically, help him feel emotionally safe discussing things with you.

On the gun storage, I think you might approach it by starting out with saying you understand he enjoys his guns and you understand the philosophy of defensive readiness. You want to find a way to resolve your concerns (make it about you not him) while still respecting his needs. Perhaps mention that under normal circumstances there has been no problem, but once in a while the unexpected happens, such as child relatives visit, or adult friends drop in.

What I'm thinking is perhaps you can turn this around so that he is trying to find a fix for you, rather than it being received by him as some kind of complaint or criticism of him.

Good luck.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I do think you're being somewhat unreasonable. If he wants to have guns, why do you feel the need to control that? I could understand if guns terrified you...and you didn't want any guys anywhere near you...and the thought of one being in your home made you miserable. 

But no. You just don't like how many he has. And from my perspective, I think that's a control issue on your part.

If I were your husband, I would absolutely feel like I was being micromanaged and unreasonably controlled.

I do think the guns should always be secured properly. That is a very reasonable request.

If you're ok with one gun or two...I would suggest backing off and just let him collect the guns (finances allowing) he wants. Only be sure he agrees they are to be secured. 

This is not worth alienating your husband over.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Family were always is something going on
+
Multiple guns in the house
+ 
Stress
=
Future shooting someone


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It seems you & he need to compromise here...his agreeing to lock them up (as you requested) and your agreeing to a 3rd gun ....both are giving in a little to satisfy the other... and in this = safety....good for all.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

I am a Brit. so I don't quite get guns. Over here we just let our police otherwise known as 'bobbies on the beat' carry sticks. Seems to work  

On a serious note, I suspect his frustrations aren't about guns. Can you just leave it be or is it something that you're passionately concerned about? Do you have to get involved in his family's troubles or can you step away from it and be satisfied?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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