# LD wife - doesn't care about it, so I got it elsewhere



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

You will hate me for this, but I finally snapped. After years of patiently waiting for my LD wife to come around, I took the easy way - found sex elsewhere. Thanks to Craigslist casual encounters (very low strike rate though) and an asian massage parlor recently. What an experience! To be touched and caressed by a woman again. I felt great. No guilty feelings. More like a nice treat and a reward. It feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders

I was very careful to not let the lack of sex affect my mood and behavior at home. I was always affectionate, considerate and loving (I still am).

Divorce is not in the cards since we have young children and we both don't envision a split household as the best outcome for our kids. We enjoy being with each other and are as compatible as one can be except for the sex drive part.

The way I see it, this way everyone's happy.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Oh f*ck!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Cant say it has not crossed my mind.

But I would never do it. I would lose respect for myself to find sex outside of marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does your wife know?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can understand how you got there. The only thing I'll say is I hope you're not still sleeping with your wife if you're going to do this; it's trashy and unfair of you to expose her to God knows what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

No advice to give, as I am not in control of your moral compass, nor do I care to be.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh no, not another one. Is there a circus in town?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am sorry to hear this. I know you know it is not the right thing to do. I am guessing your wife does not know. You need to tell her. It is not right to expose her and not tell her.

You would have felt better morally if you had divorced or separated and agreed to see other people.

But humans are weak and can't live without love indefinitely. We all take easy outs sometimes. I am sorry it came to that for you.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Too bad you don't take your vows seriously. I haven't had sex with my husband for 8 years due to his medical problems and I would never think about cheating on him. We have a great marriage otherwise and that's more important to me than sex.


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Oops.

OK, cheated on the missus...she's a big girl now.

But your kids...you've cheated on them now too. And they've NEVER hurt you.

Am I right?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dedad said:


> I was very careful to not let the lack of sex affect my mood and behavior at home.


THIS was your first dishonesty, and it's what led to the conditions that let you justify cheating. So, not only is the cheating your fault, but the sexlessness is too. Try being honest sometime and tell her and show her how you actually feel.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

well it looks like you have all of your excuses lined up and ready - but I think WorkingOnMe got it right....you are dishonest.

I'm sure your wife is okay with this because you are so compatible that you can talk about everything.

If she doesn't know then can you honestly say that she is happy? 

And, no, I don't hate you... but I don't agree with you at all.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Uglee70 said:


> Oops.
> 
> 
> But your kids...you've cheated on them now too. And they've NEVER hurt you.
> ...



How did he cheat on his kids?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't understand the motivation for people posting here that they are having affairs. Is it to incite jealousy? Confession? Need to be reprimanded? 

I'm very on board with people leaving their sexless marriages but I suppose I feel like this half-in half-out business just prolongs the inevitable.

Rather like some people will take anti-depressants to make their lives bearable because it's easier than making tough choices and changes that need to be made.

(Note I said some people - depression runs in my family and I have taken AD myself, when I was younger regularly.)


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

My husband and I have a sort of agreement. If the sex life (or lack of) gets to be too much in the marriage, or the rejection of one spouse or the other is too much and one or the other (meaning he or I) can't take the lack of physical intimacy anymore and one of us does step out, the only condition is total honesty. In other words, there's a big difference in cheating and then confessing, and one of us looking at the other and saying "hey, I've had enough of this (insert unresolved issues here), and I'm not willing to go on without intimacy anymore. I'm heading to a bar to hook up and I'll be home later. If you're still here we can talk about it then." 

At that point the ball is more or less in the other person's court. They can choose right then to either try to sort out the issues in the marriage or call a spade a spade and end things. I'd much rather that happen then my husband to come home and tell me he just slept with the first attractive stranger who threw him a bone. 

I'm not in your situation exactly and I won't lie when I say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind before, but it would never happen, one of the main reasons being my kids. 

Yes, it may have taken you a long time to get to this point, and yes, maybe you tried everything and faced rejection one too many times but one thing remains: you cheated. In the eyes of family and your children, you're the bad guy who had the affair. Not passing judgment at all because like I said, I've had similar thoughts. Most won't listen to your reasons before condemning you, they'll just condemn you.

Try telling your insurance company that you had a legit reason for rear ending the guy in front of you. Not gonna happen. 

At the very least you owe your wife the truth. If your kids are like mine they're perceptive little things and already pick up on mommy and daddy not being happy. Split up, both of you find happiness else where in a healthy fashion and give your kids and your selves two happy functional families instead of one miserable one.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I take it you no longer have sex with your wife anymore?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Uglee70 said:


> But your kids...you've cheated on them now too. And they've NEVER hurt you.
> 
> Am I right?



Most people don't sleep with their kids.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I also wonder why Dedad has confessed on here? He must have known he was going to receive responses such as he has.

What he did was wrong...he broke his vows and he was unfaithful. Accepted.

Although he has said very little he has indicated that he has waited several years for his LD wife to come round. 
She may be LD because he is a total jerk in the marriage, round the house, as a father etc.
It may be that he is a wonderful husband and father etc but that his wife simply doesn't rate sex as important, won't talk about it and won't even try to understand his need and reach a compromise.

The man needed sex, he wasnt getting it from his wife so he went elsewhere. I agree we the STD issue and not infecting his wife.

By all means tell the OP what he did was wrong (which he probably knows anyway) but try to understand WHY he did what he did.

Why did you steal that Iphone? Because I want one and havent got the money.... Theft. Handcuffs on.

Why did you steal that loaf of bread? Because I havent eaten for three days, I am starving and I have no job, no home and no money....Theft. Handcuffs..???


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

1 post and gone. Hmmm.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Interesting comments about the vows. Do they say anything about caring about your spouse's basic physical needs? Isn't here a responsibility there?:scratchhead:


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

dedad said:


> Interesting comments about the vows. Do they say anything about caring about your spouse's basic physical needs? Isn't here a responsibility there?:scratchhead:


Depending on what the situation is and how it came about, I may argue that your wife breached her vows to you, sure.

But I'd also argue that there are honorable ways of dealing with that which sure don't include throwing your own integrity out the window.

I wouldn't throw any stones if you sat your wife down and calmly explained what you were going to do in advance. That way she could make her own choices about her life and how she was going to deal with the situation. As it stands, you're robbing her of the ability and knowledge to make those choices.

Edit to add: what you're doing sounds like it's more about revenge on your wife than it is getting any need met.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

De,
Nothing wrong with outsourcing provided you're upfront about what you are doing. 

You ought to frame it as a choice. Let her decide. She isn't asking for monogamy, she's trying to force celibacy on you. 

See - I'm thinking you are pretty darn angry that your wife is so dismissive of your physical needs. 

But this isn't a conversation to be had in anger. Or in sarcasm. 

And it for sure isn't lengthy. 




dedad said:


> Interesting comments about the vows. Do they say anything about caring about your spouse's basic physical needs? Isn't here a responsibility there?:scratchhead:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dedad said:


> Interesting comments about the vows. Do they say anything about caring about your spouse's basic physical needs? Isn't here a responsibility there?:scratchhead:



How do you know that she does not care about your basic physical needs? You pretended like everything was fine. You tricked her in to this situation.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Since I don't believe in God and I am increasingly sceptical about whether marriage, at least as I understood it, is workable for most people over the very long term, therefore I won't preach about God or vows. I don't agree with what you did but I feel no sense of special tragedy when a spouse is cheated on if he or she has been aware of and indifferent to your feelings about your sex life. That is not to be understood as "I mentioned it a couple of times...sort of" or "he or she SHOULD know it bothered me". But that it was directly addressed on many occasions over a substantial period of time and the spouse simply doesn't care.

But no matter what, even as a matter of basic human decency you have a responsibility not to expose your wife to disease. Also you must accept that you are risking your marriage and if she finds out you should be prepared to accept the consequences. Maybe your marriage in itself is so weak that it is worth risking but I assume the entire reason you are not separating is your children, so it is their stability that is at risk.

Finally, I think you need to own your actions. That means if decide not to do it again I see no reason to dump your conscience on her and tell her out of the blue. On the other hand, if you are directly confronted and she asks, I think you owe her the truth.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

How is that unfair? She knew that not satisfying her husband would meet with adverse consequences. I say she got what she bargained for.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

"Finally, I think you need to own your actions. That means if decide not to do it again I see no reason to dump your conscience on her and tell her out of the blue. On the other hand, if you are directly confronted and she asks, I think you owe her the truth"

He doesn't owe her anything. You had it right in the begining, by ignoring her husband she should have known this was coming.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

dedad said:


> Interesting comments about the vows. Do they say anything about caring about your spouse's basic physical needs? Isn't here a responsibility there?:scratchhead:


Well of course two wrongs always make it right:smthumbup:

Oh wait.....

You are in a sexless marriage. That's your choice to stay.

You can say you're staying for the kids if you want but affairs and their aftermath can and usually do hurt kids.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

She should have known it was coming - hardly. 

People who place sex as a very low priority in life do not concern themselves with the consequences of their actions. They never think about sex and it's hard to imagine what it feels like to think about it all the time. 

I'm going to guess her version of this story is very different - more like well, he mentioned not being happy with no sex but then he dropped it so he must be okay with it. 

What would have happened if the OP had told her he wasn't planning on living sexless anymore but wants to keep a stable home for the kids. Therefore he will be getting his needs met elsewhere. 

What would have happened? Why didn't the OP do this first? 

It's really one of the only two things he could have done to change her mind on the subject. Instead there is no chance she will change her mind and no chance he will spend the rest of his life with a more suitable partner. Not such a happy ending after all (laughs over massage parlor pun).


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Too bad you don't take your vows seriously. I haven't had sex with my husband for 8 years due to his medical problems and I would never think about cheating on him. We have a great marriage otherwise and that's more important to me than sex.


Too bad she didn't take her vows seriously either.

Trust me. I know. Your situation is very different than that of a spouse who "just decides" they don't need sex anymore and to h*ll with the one that wants it.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> "Finally, I think you need to own your actions. That means if decide not to do it again I see no reason to dump your conscience on her and tell her out of the blue. On the other hand, if you are directly confronted and she asks, I think you owe her the truth"
> 
> He doesn't owe her anything. You had it right in the begining, by ignoring her husband she should have known this was coming.


I suppose in the unlikely event that he views her as so estranged that he owes her no more moral obligation than that of a complete stranger, but I doubt that. However, if only for his own benefit and the self-destruction that comes for trying to sustain and unsustainable double-life, he owes himself the truth if directly confronted.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

To Miss Scarlet

"She should have known it was coming - hardly."

People usually aren't stupid about these things. If I was ignoring my wife, I would expect consequences. 

"People who place sex as a very low priority in life do not concern themselves with the consequences of their actions"

...yes and this is what creates the problem. The only thing is that society accepts womens non action as normal and penalizes men when they take action.

"I'm going to guess her version of this story is very different - more like well, he mentioned not being happy with no sex but then he dropped it so he must be okay with it."

Oh sure, he would be ok without sex. Would a woman be ok if her man just stayed home all day, didn't go to work and didn't pay the bills? Of course not! Why is one any different than the other...society accepts one and not the other. It's ok for women to take action and divorce a guy who won't bring home money ...but an entirely different thing all together if a woman does not provide sex for her man. That's totally fine.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm not saying it's okay in the least for her to do that. Not at all. I'm just a person on the sidelines here but I would like to see a lot more divorce going on amongst the sexless.

I'm in a situation myself where I am the one with a higher drive than my partner.

I get it.

The issue I take is her having adequate warning is was his next step. I argue that she is likely clueless. 

Instead of standing up for himself the OP is now sneaking around. If she deserves it (and I'm not saying she doesn't) why the sneaking? If she doesn't care why does it matter?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Too bad this changed happened right after the kids. Like a switch went off. The axe fell after the shackles were on tight and good.

Good comments by all. Thank you jb and beachguy.

If I had taken the hard stance and given her the choice. What do you think she would have chosen. Probably take the kids, the house, the paycheck, pension and kick me to the curb. Personally, I don't think women give a damn about divorce. Everything is stacked on the wife's side. This is my perception and viewpoint.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

dedad said:


> Too bad this changed happened right after the kids. Like a switch went off. The axe fell after the shackles were on tight and good.
> 
> Good comments by all. Thank you jb and beachguy.
> 
> If I had taken the hard stance and given her the choice. What do you think she would have chosen. Probably take the kids, the house, the paycheck, pension and kick me to the curb. Personally, I don't think women give a damn about divorce. Everything is stacked on the wife's side. This is my perception and viewpoint.


And how is your doomsday scenario to be avoided when she finds out you assumed her lack of drive also meant she didn't care?

If you're unhappy, speak the hell up! State your boundaries, your expectations and insist your needs be placed in priority along with her needs. If you failed to do any of this you pretty much created your own hell.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You are making a lot of assumptions based on beliefs that might not be true. 

You are assuming she would divorce you. You are assuming she could afford a great lawyer that would get her a good deal.

Does she have a pretty good job herself? My friends and I discuss how screwed we would be if we had to divorce at this time of life. Our kids only need us for a few more years. We have been out of the work force. Our bodies are changing for the worse. What are our chances out in the single world again? Even with a good settlement we couldn't stay in our homes most likely. Divorce doesn't make your lifestyle go up usually. And your wife doesn't like sex, apparently, so exactly what is the rest of her life going to be like if you divorced her?

But if she had proof you were up to no good that might gain her more sympathy in a divorce, of course. Instead of you leaving her for alienation of affection now she is divorcing you for infidelity. It just looks worse on you when she is the one not willing to be a caring spouse.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

not that I condone it but I can understand it. I have not had a satisfying sexual encounter with my wife in years. We do it about 5 or 6 times a year and they are 5 minute specials. You had the gumption to meet a stranger and have sex so having a hard talk with your wife should not be all that unfathomable.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dedad said:


> You will hate me for this, but I finally snapped. After years of patiently waiting for my LD wife to come around, I took the easy way - found sex elsewhere. Thanks to Craigslist casual encounters (very low strike rate though) and an asian massage parlor recently. What an experience! To be touched and caressed by a woman again. I felt great. No guilty feelings. More like a nice treat and a reward. It feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders
> 
> I was very careful to not let the lack of sex affect my mood and behavior at home. I was always affectionate, considerate and loving (I still am).
> 
> ...


Im happy for you, and wish more starved and cheated on spouses would choose this route.
I know you feel more potent as a man now and not defined by your wifes lack of drive for you.
Does it make you angry with her for putting you in the situation to begin with? Did it serve
To essentially 180 you off of her so that part of your self image is no longer defined by her? Is part of it,sucky in that you look at her like an old love due to her refusal to consumate the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Forced celibacy on a spouse, generally speaking, unless they knew in advance is dishonest.

Cheating is dishonest.

I will not lament dishonesty toward someone dishonest even though it's not what I would do.

Not everyone deals with things ideally, everybody, men and women alike, take care of what you got and do your damn jobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## laneyboy101 (Apr 17, 2014)

To be honest, fair enough, if my Wife was refusing to have sex I wouldn't feel guilty about finding it elsewhere, it's human nature, we all have needs.

If your Wife or partner is against this then she's the one being selfish.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So let's see if we understand this. Is your situation 100% sexless or is it not frequent enough for your needs? If your wife does have sex with you on occasion, is it good, decent or poor quality?

Have you ever talked to her about your feelings???


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

dedad said:


> Too bad this changed happened right after the kids. Like a switch went off. The axe fell after the shackles were on tight and good.
> 
> Good comments by all. Thank you jb and beachguy.
> 
> If I had taken the hard stance and given her the choice. What do you think she would have chosen. Probably take the kids, the house, the paycheck, pension and kick me to the curb. Personally, I don't think women give a damn about divorce. Everything is stacked on the wife's side. This is my perception and viewpoint.


I won't condemn you because I am in a similar situation. I haven't cheated yet but I won't lie and say it couldn't happen. That being said, you are a chicken sh*t.

Sounds to me more like revenge than need. Hope it works out for you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So what kind of message does this send to your kids?

I was 19 when my dad was cheating. 
I found out about it at 20, when I was thinking about my future. Wife, kids, marriage. 
I was 21 when they divorced. 

So tell me, do you think that sent a healthy message to me? 


Look at your own kids. 
They're young now. What will they grow up to be like? 
Me? I am in business school. So you might say all turned out swell, right? 
I also drink every night, and would probably be considered an alcoholic. I don't like letting people getting close to know me, and I don't trust any of my family. 

What will happen to them when they reach my age? How will their lives have changed because of what happens in 10, 15 years down the road?
You can't keep this ruse forever. I doubt you can even keep it 10 years, in this day and age.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So what kind of message does this send to your kids?
> 
> I was 19 when my dad was cheating.
> I found out about it at 20, when I was thinking about my future. Wife, kids, marriage.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ah yes - the cheater is always to blame. There is no context. There is no mitigation. 

Divorcing is perfectly fine - despite being more disruptive to the kids. But an affair - makes you a bad person. 




Broken at 20 said:


> So what kind of message does this send to your kids?
> 
> I was 19 when my dad was cheating.
> I found out about it at 20, when I was thinking about my future. Wife, kids, marriage.
> ...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

An affair does not make a person bad but, affairs are always the cheater's fault. OP could have talked to his W and if nothing came of it, divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Yeah, I really don't get this "no divorce" policy so many people seem to have. I mean, divorce isn't what we want in life, and we certainly never marry somebody thinking it'll end that way. But things change, people change, circumstances change.

The excuses are inevitably about the kids, or the finances, or the house.

The kids are probably better off with happy parents.

The financial blow means you need to downsize your life until you meet someone else to share finances with. So you go from a single family home to a townhouse or apartment for a few years.

And I've heard the "losing my house" excuse before, too. I'm sorry - whaaaat? If a house makes you happier than a good relationship, then you need to have your head checked.

If things have gone South in your marriage, and communication or counselling have not helped, then get out of the marriage. There is no shame in seeking happiness (or seeking a way out of misery).

Staying together for the kids and maintaining the current miserable existence with your spouse isn't any better than splitting up and showing your kids you can be happy with someone else, or even alone.

Besides, it can be just as damaging to your children if you divorce when they're adults. They'll realize their whole childhood was a mirage, or worse, they'll blame themselves because you stayed together for them.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Miss Scarlett is up too late. 

I don't believe anyone on this board wants a physical release only. If that worked we could all masturbate and go about our business just fine. 

I think you can tell yourself that having companionship on one side and physical release on the other side is good enough.

And it might be for a time. But it reminds me of many years of sexual neglect from DH and getting off whenever I liked by myself. I thought that was enough until the day it was no longer enough. 

Paying for an orgasm is just a step above masturbation, you just don't need to do the work yourself. 

Don't we all want the whole thing, though? Companionship, love, lust, consideration, feeling we matter. We can piece scraps together as much as we'd like but at the end of the day it's just not the same thing.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Divorcing your wife because you don't love her is fine. Divorcing her because she won't have sex with you, is fine. I can't fault a man for that. 

I am 21! You think my hormones are any easier to deal with than your's? I understand what it is like to have a burning desire. 
So will your children will understand it. 

Cheating on your wife doesn't help. 
It tells your kids when they are unhappy in their marriage, to cheat. Not to divorce, or to talk. But to cheat.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Sorry. Too many questions and I am falling behind. I will try to address them as I find time.

Alexm - with some of us, it is just that way. 

Broken at 20 - wait until you are 40 and you are still in the same situation. First they turn blue then they turn purple.

MissScarlet - wise comments. As I said, it is my viewpoint based on what I have seen go on to others around me. The law is firmly on the mom's side. I know too many dads that were gutted and don't know of any women that were wanting after a divorce. Of course, this in my circle of people. I realize that there are deadbeats who make life miserable for their exes, don't pay child support, don't follow through on their responsibilities, etc. 

Plan 9 from OS - It is more like sex with a corpse on the rare occasions that it happens.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

dedad said:


> Sorry. Too many questions and I am falling behind. I will try to address them as I find time.
> 
> Alexm - with some of us, it is just that way.
> 
> ...


So many people are quick to say "why didn't you just divorce first?" It ain't always that simple as I'm finding out. You give up everything you've worked for because your spouse decides she doesn't want to be physical anymore? She gets the house, the car, half your retirement JUST BECAUSE she said "I do"? Yeah, that's real fair.

I agree with you dedad...in my circle of people, no woman would be left wanting if they divorced. Especially the ones who have been stay at home moms. H*ll my stbx sure won't be left wanting. The laws are surely in favor of the women by a longshot. So it's just not as simple as saying "divorce first".


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I can't afford to get divorced - I've invested so much in our relationship. If we were to divorce, neither of us could afford studio apartments to live in, my husband would find it harder to afford than I would. I'm really conscious of this fact so divorce really isn't an option, especially as we're both in our fifties - we don't own, we rent (and only just manage the rent every month). This means that I'm stuck in a no sex relationship. I know I can sort out the sex for myself, but that's easier said than done - we both work from home and I get absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I'm working on a plan to have separate bedrooms in the next couple of months which I know my husband won't be happy with. We have guests coming to stay at the end of this month so we're preparing the spare room (my office). We've bought a sofa bed so I'll be able to sleep on that and hoping to make the room into my own space so I get some more privacy. I've already spoken to husband about having an open marriage arrangement (last time we had to have the argument about no sex going on) and he's said that's not what he wants. I really don't see a way forward for us unless he meets somebody that he does want to have sex with, leaving me free to find somebody to satisfy my physical needs. I wish it could be my husband as I love him dearly, but sadly this looks like it won't be the case.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Oh no, not another one. Is there a circus in town?



You know those "clown cars" can carry many people!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

BradWesley said:


> You know those "clown cars" can carry many people!


And there's plenty of room for the two of you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

dedad said:


> You will hate me for this, but I finally snapped. After years of patiently waiting for my LD wife to come around, I took the easy way - found sex elsewhere. Thanks to Craigslist casual encounters (very low strike rate though) and an asian massage parlor recently. What an experience! To be touched and caressed by a woman again. I felt great. No guilty feelings. More like a nice treat and a reward. It feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders
> 
> I was very careful to not let the lack of sex affect my mood and behavior at home. I was always affectionate, considerate and loving (I still am).
> 
> ...



Do I hate you for that, no.

Can I understand why you did it, yes.

I have been on that road many times before. 14 years of sex 1x month gets to you.....I only relieved myself to porn and chatted with ladies, but I never went out, strippers, massage parlors, escorts, parties, nothing.

Now the guys at the shop told me of a massage parlor on the way home from work, close to were I live, on the second story, black covered windows and an open sign.....hot young ladies giving oil massages and a lot more. I could of, but chose not to.

You have balls though. You got the sex starved situation dealt with because your LD wife didn't care to get it. But as your wife, she should be taking care of your needs as her own, but she wasn't and didn't seem to care to do so. You can only take that abuse so long.

You had sex with this other woman. You didn't get emotionally involved or have an affair. Just a massage and great sex and I'm sure this woman was hot. Why didn't your wife give you a nice massage and sex afterwards?

Most men need sex and often. Little to no sex over a long time equals man is very weak and woman has set the stage for all of this to happen. Common sense. A woman who takes care of her man, has a happy and faithful man. A woman who doesn't take care of her man, doesn't have a happy or usually faithful man.

She loves you, right?

If she loves you, she should find you sexually attractive and want sex with you, right?

If no, why did she marry you? Money? Stay home, not work and have kids? Why? Bait and switch?:scratchhead:


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I don't think his wife has the foggiest idea of what is going on...

I also don't think that she realizes that their marriage has any problems because he is living a double life...happy at home, gets along with her, but goes elsewhere for sex.

She will find out eventually. Something will happen, the OP will get an STD, something will happen...

and then he will have to face his problems and learn how to be a man in a relationship...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> I don't think his wife has the foggiest idea of what is going on...
> 
> I also don't think that she realizes that their marriage has any problems because he is living a double life...happy at home, gets along with her, but goes elsewhere for sex.


She knows exactly what's going on. She just buries her head in the sand hoping he'll just live with it and not challenge her on it.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> She knows exactly what's going on. She just buries her head in the sand hoping he'll just live with it and not challenge her on it.


Know this for a fact do you? Are you friends with OP's W?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> She knows exactly what's going on. She just buries her head in the sand hoping* he'll just live with it and not challenge her on it*.


She has nothing to worry about, because the OP doesn't have the balls to challenge her on anything. 

Absolutely nothing manly or attractive about only being able to get a woman to touch you if you pay her. Craigslist, for pete's sake:banghead:


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Know this for a fact do you? Are you friends with OP's W?


So why didn't you say the same thing to SparkyJim when he said "I don't think his wife has the foggiest idea of what is going on..."?

Does he know this for a fact too?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> Absolutely nothing manly or attractive about only being able to get a woman to touch you if you pay her. Craigslist, for pete's sake:banghead:


What makes you think he is "only able to get a woman to touch him if you pay her"? He never said anything about paying anyone for sex. He said CL casual encounters. That's people looking for a one night stand.

I doubt appearing manly was on his mind either. He got what he was after. That's his to own however he chooses to own it.

Yes, I'm very bitter towards spouses that stop having sex for their own selfishness.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

To be fair he did say in his first post that the craigslist wasn't very successful and he had been going to an Asian massage parlor.

However, I have decided this doesn't bother me because he is not my husband. 

Just as an aside, it was through watching a reality show on prostitution that changed how I thought about sex. The ladies were saying they got a lot of married men in. First of all for blow jobs because they weren't getting them at home. Secondly for enthusiasm. Even if the men had to pay, they would for someone who acts like they really wanted to have sex with them. They wanted to feel desired and wanted and they didn't get it at home. 

On the downside that led me to start faking orgasms. Bygones.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> To be fair he did say in his first post that the craigslist wasn't very successful and he had been going to an Asian massage parlor.
> 
> However, I have decided this doesn't bother me because he is not my husband.
> 
> ...


Yes you are right Scarlett...I forgot about the massage parlor. But I got the impression that was after the casual "free" hookup on CL.

As a man who lost those things in my marriage after the kids came along, I can totally get the reasons the women stated that men come to see them. Not saying I ever would but I can certainly understand the desire. I watched a similar show once where they asked the girls what type of men came to see them and they named off types, blue collar, white collar, executives....but the most overwhelming response was "computer guys...lot's of computer guys".

I think people would be totally shocked at just how many men would go to a massage parlor or escort. In spite of all the preaching about morals and devoted husbands etc. Shocked.

I think it was here on TAM someone shared what their grandmother told them when they got married; "Have sex with your spouse and have it often. Because if you don't, somebody else will."


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Someone my age once told me - with men you just need to keep their stomachs full and their balls empty.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> Someone my age once told me - with men you just need to keep their stomachs full and their balls empty.



Sounds primitive but true. The rewards for the wife are tremendous with most guys.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> So why didn't you say the same thing to SparkyJim when he said "I don't think his wife has the foggiest idea of what is going on..."?
> 
> Does he know this for a fact too?


The OP has stated that he takes great pains to ensure there is no resentment at home conveyed by him.

So he's part of the problem.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

MissScarlet, Beachguy,

I did not say that. I mentioned going to CL and one visit to a massage parlor for relief in my original post.

I did see a few of those things on TV about what goes on at these massage places - the trafficking, abuse, etc. Bad stuff. I won't be going back. However, these places will exist as long as there is demand and guess why there is demand. If I had to take a guess most of this demand is from married guys. In the days when me and my buddies were single, I don't remember the thought of going to hookers or prostitutes ever coming up. If you guys ever traveled to asian countries like thailand, phillippines, costa rica, etc., this will be right in your face, clear as day. Old married guys (tan line where the ring used to be) with young girls hanging on their arms.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Speaking of prostitution, try getting to first or any other base without spending any money....

Is Rupert Murdoch and Wendy Deng's marriage not about money? If it is not exactly prostitution, is it not kinda like it?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Dude, people think women can all be laid so easily. I like massage porn on occasion. Do you know how difficult it is to find massage porn with a male masseuse giving a female a massage? Apparently if a woman needs someone to get her off outside the home she has to visit a woman too! 

I'm embarrassed I've commented so much on this thread. I suppose I like the various ethical aspects, gives me something to think over.

Best wishes to you, dedad.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DE,
You have lots of options. One of them is to out your wife for breaking her vows. Simple stuff, you let her know that going forward in friends and family gatherings you will be letting everyone know that you are very unhappy with the state of your marriage and resent that your wife suddenly flipped the sexual off switch after having kids. 

You should be friendly and pleasant at home but:
- No dates.
- No birthday / Christmas presents etc. 
- A financial plan that emphasizes savings since you will both need as much money as possible if the marriage isn't fixable. 

That said:
- If you've let yourself go physically and/or
- Never made much effort to learn your wife's body - and what she likes 
- placeholder for other unappealing - unsexy traits 

You ought fix those first. 

So far you have said almost nothing of substance about yourself. Given how big an issue this is, you haven't offered much in the way of specifics. 

At risk of giving offense, and not intending to, it's a little hard to believe that you have no idea why sex suddenly stopped. 


QUOTE=dedad;8318321]Speaking of prostitution, try getting to first or any other base without spending any money....

Is Rupert Murdoch and Wendy Deng's marriage not about money? If it is not exactly prostitution, is it not kinda like it?[/QUOTE]


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Assuming the guy made an effort to communicate, does his fair share around the house, takes care of himself and her, etc then I can't really judge the guy for going outside. Personally, it irritates me when people I know speak of a guy who cheated on his wife and then bad mouth him for doing it. No one asks what her role was in the whole thing. I know someone in my family who was treated like **** for years and went outside marriage. I wasn't surprised and deep down glad he did because he is happy now. I don't know about the sex, but she turned out to be a bossy *****. But no one brought up that. He was all to blame.

I have grown while I have been married. I bend over backwards for my wife, I am well groomed and dress well where I've been complimented by other ladies. I have a good job and continuing my education. My wife only provides me with the bare minimum and she thinks that is enough. I have spoken to her on a few occasions, one was just earlier this year. At the end of that one, she was lost for words because she knew I was right. But she blamed me anyway. As an example, for years I would kiss her good night and hold her. I never got anything in return. So why should I continue to give give give and never receive. 

Anyway, I will confess I went to a strip joint a few months ago. I had dared myself for the past couple of years to go to one during work trips but never did. One night I finally did and it was the biggest rush. All I had was a private dance and a VIP room where I felt her up for a song and then left. But between the dance and the VIP, she had to perform on stage. After, she came to get me for the VIP as she said she would. She was stopped by some guys but she brushed them off to get me. That made me feel pretty good. Then I got to feel her all over (minus one part) and she never complained, jerked away, never told me stop touching her etc etc like my wife does. I realize she is in it for the money but she gave me something more than my wife has in many many years. I do feel guilty, but it is overshadowed by the fact that before I die I don't want look back saying I wish I tried that at least once. 

And personally, I don't care what others think. If you do judge, then you don't understand what it means to be in this position or even the OP's. I use to think I would never cheat, that I rather get my balls cut off, then I thought to myself...why am I willing to cut my balls off versus cheating. Its not my fault she doesn't like touching me, or insists staying under the covers clothed, and only does it missionary on average once a month.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Someone my age once told me - with men you just need to keep their stomachs full and their balls empty.


Timeless quote that never gets old. Told my GF this very thing :smthumbup:


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## dimaggio55 (Jul 8, 2014)

Eh, for me, I get hand jobs at asian massage parlors and I don't think its cheating. It's just a handy. I go to Rub Maps, get tugged, thats it. No cheating. I'm not hurting my SO


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Wow - very perceptive! How many would have caught this?



WorkingOnMe said:


> THIS was your first dishonesty, and it's what led to the conditions that let you justify cheating. So, not only is the cheating your fault, but the sexlessness is too. Try being honest sometime and tell her and show her how you actually feel.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

That's why we lone wolves have it easy: no need to pretend that you are fine when you actually are fine. But the OP does not seem to fit the description of an introvert, though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dimaggio55 said:


> Eh, for me, I get hand jobs at asian massage parlors and I don't think its cheating. It's just a handy. I go to Rub Maps, get tugged, thats it. No cheating. I'm not hurting my SO


How would you feel if she did the same thing?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Someone my age once told me - with men you just need to keep their stomachs full and their balls empty.



This I also heard from my work and it makes perfect sense.:smthumbup:


Too bad many LD women don't get this, don't see it as an issue or even seem to care?


- His wifee isn't taking care of his need, SEX.

- She knows this and isn't stupid or clueless

- He had enough and went to a massage parlor and also gets hand jobs and oral sex?

- His wifee should be giving him BJ's, breast and foot jobs, PIV with enthusiasm. Yet she isn't.

- I'm sure he gives her attention, surprise flowers and cards saying he loves her. Surprise dinners? Random massages for her. Listen to her and how she is feeling, right? Yet she is still LD? "Been there, done that."


I agree this is cheating and wrong but she knew her LD is driving him crazy and did nothing. Yet it is still his fault some how? No. She set the stage and it is her fault for not being a woman, loving wifee and taking care of his main need, sex. Not difficult to figure out.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hurra said:


> Assuming the guy made an effort to communicate, does his fair share around the house, takes care of himself and her, etc then I can't really judge the guy for going outside. Personally, it irritates me when people I know speak of a guy who cheated on his wife and then bad mouth him for doing it. No one asks what her role was in the whole thing. I know someone in my family who was treated like **** for years and went outside marriage. I wasn't surprised and deep down glad he did because he is happy now. I don't know about the sex, but she turned out to be a bossy *****. But no one brought up that. He was all to blame.
> 
> I have grown while I have been married. I bend over backwards for my wife, I am well groomed and dress well where I've been complimented by other ladies. I have a good job and continuing my education. My wife only provides me with the bare minimum and she thinks that is enough. I have spoken to her on a few occasions, one was just earlier this year. At the end of that one, she was lost for words because she knew I was right. But she blamed me anyway. As an example, for years I would kiss her good night and hold her. I never got anything in return. So why should I continue to give give give and never receive.
> 
> ...



My loving wifee was LD, sex 1x month, wearing clothing from head to toe in bed for 15 years.....only since she is losing the weight, new clothes, teeth straightened, feeling better about her body image, has she started getting a sex drive. All the surprise dinners, chores, listening, cuddling, 180 mind games, flowers, taking charge, leading, initiating, all didn't do anything. Her body image and doing something about that changed it all. And she knew I was HD and miserable.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I support the OP...I wouldn't do it personally but hes found a solution that works for him kudos.

All wives that withold should expect this


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> My loving wifee was LD, sex 1x month, wearing clothing from head to toe in bed for 15 years.....only since she is losing the weight, new clothes, teeth straightened, feeling better about her body image, has she started getting a sex drive. All the surprise dinners, chores, listening, cuddling, 180 mind games, flowers, taking charge, leading, initiating, all didn't do anything. Her body image and doing something about that changed it all. And she knew I was HD and miserable.


you might be onto something. My wife lost some weight, and the sex definitely improved after that. But all that other stuff does help too! You need to get her mind thinking about romance/sex, and then the body will follow


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I support the OP...I wouldn't do it personally but hes found a solution that works for him kudos.
> 
> All wives that withold should expect this



In addition: All husbands who withhold should expect this.


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## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

In the thread i posted i said, that when i talked to my wife about her not being interested is pleasing me, i told her if i dont get it from you , i will be having an affair..

i thought i was giving her a fair warning but the suggestion with someone on here was ultimatums are childish..


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

rick31797 said:


> In the thread i posted i said, that when i talked to my wife about her not being interested is pleasing me, i told her if i dont get it from you , i will be having an affair..
> 
> i thought i was giving her a fair warning but the suggestion with someone on here was ultimatums are childish..


That is fair warning!

And the same person might say "did you tell her you had sex with someone else?"

Yeah, you told her before you did it. She could have stopped it. duh. LOL


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes the best alternative is still bad. You make your choice and live with the consequences.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Im in a sexless marriage. The last 5 years have been hell, the last year has been worse.. Instead of cheating I am leaving.. Cheating is easy, not cheating and doing the right thing is much harder. Yes I could have cheated many times, but I chose not to. I dont really see the point in it, its a short term fix for a long term problem. It wont fix anything.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

cheating seems to be the route that lowers your own self.

Divorce her, legal separation with dating allowed, open marriage, FMF with a long-term friend to both of you...these are all morally more desireable. 

Massage parlor..a gray area...you are not there to "fall in love", just to get a sexual massage...not sure if I would call that cheating. But would not hide it. She should allow it for it to keep going on.

Going onto craigslist and finding random women, even married ones...that is pretty far over the line though. Just my opinion. There is the danger of "falling in love", and the real danger of an STD.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> cheating seems to be the route that lowers your own self.
> 
> Divorce her, legal separation with dating allowed, open marriage, FMF with a long-term friend to both of you...these are all morally more desireable.
> 
> ...


Wouldn't craigslist be a low rate of success for a male similar to a dating site, where it's skewed towards the female.


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