# she finally responded to my letter..



## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Hi again all, for those of you not following my situation, I sent a letter to my soon to be ex wife with info on dissolution and a short impersonal letter of instructions on the whole process. 

Well, 3 and a half weeks later she replies with a text to set up a good time to meet and she'll try to make it.

Should be good news for me right? Then why does it feel so wrong? It's boggling my mind trying to picture the person I loved and trusted the most... has actually (and quickly) become the most distant human being in my life. I mean, I love this woman. But I seriously hate her too. Neither of these are hasty feelings. Such conflicting thoughts.

I'm trying to visualize how the whole thing is gonna go down, were going to a public notary and signing a bunch of stuff before I take it to the court house... and heres my problem. I can't really picture it at all. I mean okay, I'm there, she's there, the notary etc, but REALLY picture it. We were on our honeymoon 4 months ago, and dated for nearly 6 years and lived together prior to the marriage. 

I want to plan for it really. Like some kind of twisted interview. Exit interview I guess haha. Should I be kind? Rude? Distant? Emotional? Just plain cold? Hateful? Sad and quiet (Probably the most natural, as hard as that is to admit) For all rights this woman deserves the worst for all she has put me through, but I really don't know how to go about it at all. Any suggestions? Anyone past this step that can help me out? I'm not a very emotional guy, but this girl, shes really got in me. My intent is to not remain friends and frankly hopefully never see her again. Wow, she has really messed me up.

Last thing I'm gonna say, why does this all have to feel like some sort of life contest between us now? Maybe only on my behalf, I can't speak for her, but isn't it always like this? 2 people trying to see who ends up the real winner in the end, measured only by their own separate and totally unique criteria. So dumb. I hate to feel the need to play this nonsense game, but I do. Strongly. How can I be so sure of something and it still feels so wrong? Thanks in advance for all your responses, not sure where I would be without the group.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

You should be honest when you meet with her, whatever that entails... it doesnt matter what reaction you try to "pre-plan" for the meeting, just let yourself feel however it feels when you get there.... get through it the best you can and take the high road wherever possible... I feel for you. Its hard to love someone and hate them in the same breath. Im sitting there too, trying to figure out if what my H and I have is salvagable or if its time to just cut my losses and go.... When I decide to leave it feels right and then when it gets time to actually go, it feels wrong. I wish you luck for your meeting... There is no right way or wrong way to behave here if you remain true to yourself... I hope you post again afterwards and let me know how it went. Take Care!


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

I can relate, I am trying to decide what is right or wrong too. Do I leave or go. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have two daughters. I amnot happy and he knows it, but will not leave. I don't know how to leave, with selling the house and so on. Some days I am determined that leaveing is the right decision, and then other days, I feel I might be able to live like this. I hope your meeting goes well. 

Good luck.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Ever since we texted back and forth that little bit I have been a disaster. I had it all together, really. But then I woke up 2 hours before my alarm went off for work and my face was covered with tears and my pillow was damp too. Couldnt remember the dream except for that it was about her. Then couldnt go back to sleep of course.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Sorry, my last post got cut short. Basically, I feel like I have made no emotional progress at all. Thats a bit of an exaggeration, Im sure Ive made some, but it just feels so hopeless. And its not wanting to be back with her, Im done! Its the ONE thing I can be sure of. Its life that seems hopeless. All I ever wanted to achieve in life was to have a wife and kids, maybe own a house and take some vactions. Thats it. And I worked damn hard to make sure I could meet those goals. Im not a pushover, but Im not overbearing. Im not a jealous person, but I know when to speak up, not afraid of conflict, not a coward. Im not lame or afraid to converse with new people. I like quiet nights at home just as much as fun times out. I dont have any drug problems or other addictions. Never even thought about cheating on her, raised her kid from a previous deal like he was my own, and it felt like he was. Etc etc etc. Not trying to say I was perfect, but I thought about what perfect was, and tried my best to project that. And she trashed me... And now I'm going to carry this bag of bricks with me everywhere now, and it feels like ever girl I meet for the rest of my life is each going to have to share them with me. And my thoughts on marriage are so negative now. Ive decided to stop putting in my two cents on other peoples posts, at least for a while. Talk about bias advice. I used to be proud to say I was "baggage free", not so much now. Welcome to the club I guess.. well I'm rambling now and it feels good but I have to head out. Again, if not for this community of awesome people on this site I would be... well, not sure where I would be. So thanks to all of you for making my pain hurt a little bit less each time I come here.


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## SurrealPain (Feb 26, 2010)

Hey, brother (Lifelover), . . . . i know, exactly how you feel, . . the crying, the anguish, the pain, the confused emotions, it's a rollercoaster ride, every day. i have Never, Ever anticipated, anyhing like this, to happen to me. Its almost 2 months now, since i posted my story, and i am still confused, as to how, my wife, managed to hurt me so Bad, that my whole life, has been upside down, ever since. I am taking baby steps, to recovery, everyday, and believe me, man, you have to only deal with baby steps, daily. The most painful thing is, that, I still love her, but she said to me, in my face, i don't love you anymore! and she further, said, that she is happy with her new boyfriend. That hurts so much, like someone stabbing you with a knife in the guts! You will recover, and get out of this dispair, and you will grow strong again!. trust me, i am feeling stronger, day by day. You keep on telling yourself, that there will be someone special again, in your life, to love you and care for you! The great thing about reality is, that you will be happy again!. That's a Promise! Take heart brother, you will survive!!


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Not that my opinion really matters for much but as a woman I think it has to be said.... I'd give ANYTHING to have my H love me as much as it seems you love your wife. She's lacking to have let you go.... I hope that the pain you feel eases. You sound like a great catch Life, Im sure in time you will find the woman who will appreciate you the way you deserve who will be happy to work through that bag of bricks and give you the kind of love you really desire. Take Care.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Lifelover , I am kinda going through the same situation. Each day you will make progress. Your emotions are going to be spastic. You might not see it but think about it ; today you lived without her in your life. I didn't want to live without my wife but I have to. I have had to come to accept that she wasn't right for me. No matter how happy I ever was at any point in the relationship.

This past Saturday I saw her for the first time when she came to get her things. Honestly I was ok. I opened the garage for her and her coworker , locked the door to the house (new locks) , and went out to the mall then dinner with friends.

This won't be easy in the least and it will take time. But it will get easier. I pray a lot but even at times I ask for other tips to help move on.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

You are all so helpful, its good to know that I'm not going through this alone.. its funny how were all more or less total strangers but we seem to help eachother the most. Your words are more than comforting to me.. Sometimes I feel better reading these posts than I do talking to my own friends and family about it. This is my first time being part of any kind of support group, and it really is awesome. Would be nice to sit down in person with you all and have a beer or 2.. too bad we have to live all over the damn world haha. I'm already looking forward to coming home from work and jumping back on here. Thanks again for everything, a guy needs something to put a bounce in his step. See you later.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I agree this board is wonderful. Honestly it is better than talking to friends. We all understand the intense pain. I had a friend tell me only 2 months after my H left that she was done hearing about it. Lovely huh? Too bad we live in a throw away society. You don't like it leave it and keep moving. Friends, jobs, spouse's geez even some parents kick their own kids to the curb. I wish everyone the best!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I think the biggest issue now a days is that people get married knowing they can always divorce. They don't see it as a permanent thing kinda like a tattoo which used to be painful to remove or cover up. 

It is sad to say but I think I am a dieing breed like most people on here see themselves the same way. Some days being on here brings me down and I think there is no hope for me to find my soul mate. I have a lot of faith within me which brings me hope. But some of the stuff I read on here makes me want to do back flips off the wall in a bad way. 

Good and honest people will always be willing to be there. Good and true friends will be there to hear you out no matter how crazy you are. Just remember to breathe while putting one foot in front of the other ; or there might be a chance of lack of oxygen to your brain and you trip in front of a hot man/woman.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Im losing my grip on sanity...

So I was supposed to meet with the stb ex w today, and I couldn't find a notary at any banks on saturdays. I halfway didnt care as I think I need more time to prepare for the moment... But now I'm back to being just sad..really sad. The weather is great, winter is coming to an end, I feel like I should be out doing things, having a nightlife, something. But all my friends are married or pretty much there, and I just really dont feel like doing anything. 

I really dont even know how I make it through the days. Happiness is completely gone from my life. Ive gone back to dreaming every single night about her, only to wake up and let reality set in each day. 

Also, bad thoughts have been creeping into my mind, but its under control, I promise. I have a lot of people that I dont want to upset, friends, close close family, and have shared these thoughts with some of them, but will that always be enough to dismiss the urge? Plus I'm no coward, I won't run from anything, I'll take the hard road every day. But whats the point? I just wanted to be married and to be happy and to have something to work towards, a reason to get out of bed and go to work, a reason to prolong my life (quitting smoking, eating better, etc) Ive never really gave a **** about just me and me alone. I cant be selfish its not in my blood, I dont know how to do EVERYTHING just for me (Im a middle child). And the thought of meeting another girl, falling in love, all that crap, it disgusts me to the core. I know what your thinking, that it wont always be like this. But I have no hope for the future. See, instead of acting on these nagging thoughts, Ive developed an equally unhealthy alternative. I want to destroy my life slowly. Why quit smoking? I like it and I'm not living for anyone but me these days right? And why not pick up girls from the bar, why not join one of those "hook up" sites and sleep with as many women as I can and just not give a ****? Why do the right thing at all, ever? What good has it done me so far? I just want to become a lying cheating, selfish, ruthlessly cold person. I hate my life, and my name is lifelover, ironic... This is just a rant and a dump of my feelings for the day. Tomorrow might be better, but I'm doubtful. Im really losing it over here, all over this girl that I dont even want to be with. Ive always led an honest life, the straight and narrow. And it hasnt gotten me anywhere but sad and down and lonely. Theres only one place left to look for lasting happiness. Wow, downward spiral here I come.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Life.... Dont let her ruin the rest of your life.... PLEASE dont become one of those guys.... that won't help you feel any better. I feel for you and if I could I'd give you a big hug - it sounds like you need one. Hang in there and keep your head up - you can get through this, you WILL get through this and you'll be a stronger person for it. **HUGS**


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

LifeLover I certainly hope that today was a better day. I have been there so many times and it sucks. Some days are better some are not. Keep your head up and try to find something to occupy your time. I agree with you about dating. I can't even fathom that thought and it's been 15 months for me. I myself got into yoga, which has helped me greatly to focus on something else. You should find something you would enjoy. 
There are also a lot of great books out there. If your not much of a reader you can download the books to MP3's and listen to them in the car. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an amazing one. 
Keep us posted. We are always here for you.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

I am trying so hard not to let this ruin me, but it feels like the more I try the worse it makes it, like something that won't come to you until you finally stop thinking about it..

I started keeping a journal yesterday, and I'm not sure if it was writing or whatever, but something did have me feeling halfway normal by the end of last night. Not every day is all bad, but its not ever all good either. Does this mean I may have some bipolar stuff coming out?

I woke up this morning, sad, depressed, and just laid in bed for a good 2 hours. I think the only thing that gets me up is coffee, cigarettes, and this forum. Honestly after my last post I was almost too embarrased to come back, so depressing! But so true. 

I was like this once before, way before I met her... I had graduated from HS, my dad had just passed away (which really gave me a shove off the deep end), and I was still searching for this girl that I was sure at this point couldnt possibly exist. Yeah I was kind of "drafting" a mental blueprint of this perfect girl that I would wait forever for, had been working on it in my head since pretty much the time that I started thinking about girls. I knew exactly what I wanted by careful thought and observations and comparisons, etc. Well, I made up my mind that she wasnt out there, that I would just have to give up on the idea and get on with attainable reality. 

Thats when my first bout with depression started I think. But I was younger, and I handled it with anger and violence. I thought about suicide alot back then too, but my family always kicked in and I could never do that to them, kinda like now. But I was reckless. I was working 5-midnight 5 days a week, and every night it was off to the bar or off to get high, or both, then at 2:30am go home and play videogames or whatever until like 7-8 am, pass out, wake up at 4ish, and do it all over again. That was during the weekdays, which should tell you how my days off went. I was a ticking time bomb, and everyone around me knew it. My days were numbered, something was coming, prison, death, whatever.

Then, I met her. THE one. At work. It was like fire melting layers of ice that had encased me, all the way to my heart. I was... happy... really happy, for the first time in a long while. 22 years old, and I was in my first full blown relationship, with my perfect girl. The girl I had been waiting for. Proof that all the waiting, all the other girls I passed up, had paid off. My first true love. I changed my whole life for her. Got out of my job, started college, cleaned up and got my life together, for her.

And there I was, smashed through a bachelors degree with top grades and alot of recognition, all cleaned up, a million times better off than I was back then. Ready to start my family (we were picking out baby names), ready to start living our happily ever after. People around us envied our relationship. We were perfect for eachother.

And here I am, starting my career, doing damn good, still better off than when I was before I met her, still ready to go through with all the things I wanted. Every goal I set out I accomplished... for her. And her son. My family. I did everything up to this point to take care of them, and now I dont have anyone to take care of, no point at all. Everything I did, all for nothing. Im still alone, and now I have no idea what a perfect girl even is, or if one even exists. Its like a math equation where you solve for x, but you don't have all the numbers you need anymore. A completely broken, impossible problem. I was lonely before I met her, but I still had hope back then. Now I have nothing. It feels like Ive been digging a garden for the past 6 years, with all the stuff I needed to make it flourish, and now I have this perfect garden all full of food, and she comes out and sprays herbicide all over it. She came out and stomped it all down, ruined it, and when asked why, couldnt even give me an answer. Why should I ever dig another one? All that work, all that time, for nothing. NOTHING!! So, I look at the garden one last time, turn my back, and walk away. Forever. But I'll never forget that gardern, my little patch of happiness. How nice it once was, how smashed to bits it is now. And its empty, full of weeds, and no one ever walks past it, or notices it. I have truly fallen down, and I just don't have it in me to pull my ass off the ground again. Sorry for this depressing pile of **** of a post, but its stuff that I dont tell anyone except for you guys. Ive never been this close to people I will never know, weird huh.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Lifelover, I am so sorry for the way you have been feeling lately. I too can only get up with coffee and cigarettes, and I too want to give you a great big hug. I left my husband, but sometimes wonder why I go on. I know that there would be a better man out there for me than my husband, but when would he come? How long can I take the loneliness? Will I ever love him like I love my husband? Will he want children? I wake up and some days are great. My bills are minimal right now while living on my sister's couch, and I am not walking on eggshells on a daily basis, as I try desperately make my husband happy and gain his approval. Then there are some days when I wake up and I think "I am a homeless thirty-year old woman with no children, my job is an hour and a half away from home and I hate it, no one is holding me at night, I have no one to love, I am washed up. Why go on?" I go to the gym for an hour everyday. I run until my head is clear. My trainer works me to death and always listens, but I am not stupid. He is just your typical personal trainer who would do me if I gave him any indication that I was interested. He doesn't really care. My sister listens, but I can tell that she gets super annoyed when I ramble on for too long. This forum has become my only release as well. People really are selfish. They don't mean to be, as they are not going through what we on this forum are going through. Their lives, while not perfect, are moving perfectly for them at the moment. I feel worthless too. I don't know whether I am happy with the idea of reconciling with my husband, or not.

The one good thing is, I know many people whose marital status is "divorced," and somehow they all made it through what we are all going through and seem happy today. I know that while many of them have regrets, they have found a way to move on and find happiness somewhere else.

Please, don't become a dog. I agree you should never follow anyone around like a puppy, but definitely don't be a dog. I just know that you have so many special qualities to offer the next woman in your life. The next woman won't be such an insatiable, insensitive b*tch. You won't allow yourself to be treated in such a manner ever again.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks again for all your kind words. I know I'll get through this, but the scars are gonna suck and theyll be there forever... its almost like the only solution I have now is to eventually meet a girl whos been put through a somewhat similar ordeal, someone who really understands, haha matching scars I guess. The journal thing really helps, something about putting it on paper that lets me release the thoughts from my mind, at least temporarily. I feel... ok right now. But tomorrow itll start all over again. I wish I didnt have to see her at all to finish off this divorce stuff, but Ive decided to act like its a business deal, transfer of ownership, with a person whom i dislike. I will be polite but not friendly, and I will keep the small talk to a minimum. no farewells, no teary hugs, and no can we still be friends crap. I dont want her to see what shes done to me, and I want her to go home and wallow in misery and regret, because I honestly think she gets some kind of sick satisfaction out of affecting me like this. Im looking for a notary who is open past 6 on the weekdays, any ideas? Sigh, the saga continues... More to come, thanks for staying tuned in.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Lifelover I can't tell you what will exactly work for you, but I can tell you what did work for me, and that would be embrace change. As your major relationship is changing stress is an unavoidable consequence. Don't resist change though LL, embrace it.

You only get a few opportunites in your life to reinvent yourself. This would be one of them. For God's sake though, don't squander it and become the sort of person you described in your above post. Embrace it, and become a better person. Hardship can have that effect as well. Yes it can break you, but if approached properly, it can also make you better.

Use your "new" freedom not to destroy yourself, but to improve yourself. LL, learn to play the friggin piano, or bake fancy french pastries. Hell, write a book, go back to school, or take up a different form of exercise.

I didn't want my divorce, but when I realized I couldn't avoid it, I embraced it. I bought a new car. I quit tae kwon do after years of study, and took up Jujitsu with my oldest son. I started to work on my book again, and I took on a small shift at a local hospital. I did these things primarily for stimulation and growth, and I'm pleased to say it has worked. I am happier than I have been in years. My wife hates that, but in time hopefully she will embrace healthy change as well. It's actually quite liberating.

I'm not dating, but I am regularly talking, chatting, and flirting with women. I am surprised by how often I am referred to a "Hun" now. In short, I'm practicing my skills so they'll be in place when the time is right. I wouldn't personally recommend "sleeping around". It's destructive to your soul. In short what I am saying is don't cheapen yourself, instead enrich yourself. 

In closing LL, I don't know the combination that is "right" for you, but I am pretty sure it consists of a lot of the elements I've listed above. I'm pretty sure you can come of with a few others to add to your list as well, so add them. 

I'm sorry that this came into your life. I truly am. If it can't be changed though, the only question that remains is how will you cope Sir,...constructively or destructively? Choose wisely, the rest of your life depends on it.

LIL


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Well, I just got a new job 2 weeks ago, what I went to college for, so career I guess.. I have been working out at least 3 times a week, eating way way better, and I've been keeping a journal. I have also been reconnecting with old friends ( a couple of them are girls), and spending a lot of my time on the forums. So I am doing a lot of things, not that I would say to change myself, the eating right and working out stuff I've always wanted to do, but by stb ex wasnt interested in either and it made things too difficult and I didnt want to put that strain on us (time or budget wise), so I became a lazy fast food eater just like she was. Im going through the motions, and some days are better than others, but who knows when I might lose it again... Its like I'm going through a maze and Im constantly getting stuck, turning around, back tracking, trying to find a different way through, but there arent any that I've found yet. And I have no idea whats at the goal..personal happiness? another maze? Closure at least? Another girl? But it would be so easy to just walk away from it, or to sell my soul for a sledge hammer and just bash my way through the whole thing. I'm just going to have to tell myself, today WILL be a better day.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Are you on meds for the depression? Sounds pretty severe. And then you need to do some Cognitive Therapy. You sound a lot like some other people I know who assume that they cannot change certain "realities." But you can learn to change the way you think. I suspect you have some deep insecurity b/c you are so dependent on having a g/f or wife, it appears, to be happy--like you are some type of "loser" if you don't, or maybe it's just fear. BUT--you really can learn to be happy all on your own, and then you will find life a joy with or without someone else special sharing it! 

Please get the help you need to deal with your depression! It can be so different!


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

You may be able to find a notary after 6 on weekdays at a check cashing store.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

sisters359,

Yeah I am depressed, not diagnosed, but I feel it. The doc gave me some ativans with a couple refills, they seem to help some. I'm not really insecure, I mean, I could be in better shape maybe (workin on that), but I'm not afraid to talk to girls or flirt, ask them out, etc, or walk into a room full of strangers and be myself.. so hmm yeah I guess I might be just as insecure as the next person, but not overly. I don't consider myself ugly or socially awkward or have any specific features I would change about myself physically, I know I'm smart, intelligent, sense of humor, whatever (hah I hate tooting my own horn), but I'm not like a show off or someone who always has to be right or a know-it-all. Alot of people look up to me, and Ive been told by elderly people that I have an "old soul". All in all I'm a nice guy but I'm not afraid to show my teeth if I have too, if that makes sense. 

I'm not afraid to be alone, I spend a lot of time alone in or out of a relationship. But I think I'm afraid to die alone. To miss my chance at youthful love, kids, grandkids, etc. My dad died when I was 18, and I don't want to be an old man when my kids are just reaching adulthood. I am definitely afraid of that. Most people want to wait to have a family, until they've traveled the world, or built up a fortune or whatever, but its all I've ever wanted, its my answer to the old meaning of life question. I don't even know what drives me, or what I am even trying to say here. I think I've just had my own breakthrough here... I'm afraid to be forgotten, to be generic, and/or to not be wanted or needed by anyone. Thats what drives me. Wow my head is spinning a little... So yes to the depression and a big maybe to the insecurity.


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