# The Coffee Shop Method



## Faiora

As I read through various peoples' problems here, I find myself recommending the same thing over and over, because there's one thing that's made some big improvements in my own relationship with my SO. It's a lot cheaper than counselling, and potentially more valuable and effective, as long as both partners are willing to talk about things that need improvement.

A very brief background on my relationship: My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have no children yet. We live in an apartment and have a cat. We have the same problems as many couples: finances, untidiness, together- vs. alone-time, differing work schedules, exercise & eating habits, and so on. We've come really far with a lot of these problems by doing what I will outline below. 

I know our solution won't work for everyone, but it costs about eight dollars, and it's worth a try. 

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The Coffee Shop Meeting

When my SO and I are stressed about something, or want to improve something in our lives, we usually mention it to each other pretty quickly. But sometimes, stress builds up slowly and home is the environment where that happens. So, to get away from the stress, we make an appointment outside the house to talk about all our issues at once. For us, this usually means the Starbucks on the corner, on a Saturday afternoon.

We make the appointment ahead of time so that both of us can be mentally prepared for it beforehand. We know we'll be talking about some stuff that could bring up emotions, but when we know that beforehand, it's easier to detach ourselves and look at it from the perspective of improvement. We make sure we both have some issues to bring to the meeting, so things aren't being placed all on one person.

We make a list of all the items to discuss, and write them down. You can each make your own list (and join them at the meeting), but we usually build ours together. There are some things that are regular items on the agenda, like a checkup on our diet and exercise, and a general and quick chat about our money-spending habits. 

The meetings don't need to be regular - we usually have 1-2 per month, but we just schedule them when we think we're overdue for one, or if an issue comes up. When we first started, we met every week.

When we get to the coffee shop, we get ourselves a coffee (or, if you're my husband, a mocha-salted-caramel-machiatto-whole-milk-no-whip-with-sprinkles-and-glitter-plus-probably-extra-espresso-and-syrup-if-they-have-that-too), and sit down at the table. We spend a minute or two deciding what order to tackle things in. Usually we put the most important things first, like finances. 

Then, we start on the list. We talk about just one item at a time. If another subject/problem comes up, it gets added to the list - not talked about right away. This way every issue is actually addressed, instead of turning into something else. We don't move onto the next item until we have a resolution. Sometimes the resolution is "we'll keep that status quo for now" - but we actually have to say that out loud. We don't just leave it hanging. 

We approach every issue as a team. So, even if one person is doing something the other doesn't like (nagging, for instance), it's not a discussion about nagging. The core issue is what we address. I saw a thread on TAM from a husband saying his wife nags him to spend time with him, and that he has difficulty with it because she's so negative. That's two issues - negativity, and together-time. So, the balance between alone- and together-time needs to be addressed, but so does communication (and using negative words over positive). It can be hard to look at how both people contribute to a problem, but both people need to try and consider that they could be contributing in some non-obvious way. 

[I will add specific examples of things my SO and I have addressed in the comments here - I started typing them here but they take up a lot of space]

When you've addressed all the items on your list at the meeting, you should both have a list of things to work on. You both have to realise, it's pretty much impossible to fix everything at once. If you can identify a most-important-thing together, that could help. But in general, even if you've only improved one thing by the next meeting, it's a step forward. 

Sometimes my SO and I get to the next meeting and realise we haven't improved anything at all - but that's okay! For some items, it means you need to try something else. For other items, you might want to give your resolution another chance. If you decide on it together, you're already working as a team to improve things, and you should feel good about that.


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## Faiora

Often, the resolution you make for a problem can be small, but effective in resolving a problem. My SO and I used to have trouble keeping the cat's litter box clean. We were in a townhouse at the time, and the litter box was in the basement, in a very cramped and smelly corner. We tried a few different "deals" like taking turns cleaning it, or one of us cleaning it if the other did some other task... but you know what worked in the end? We moved the litter box into the bathroom that we used the most (not a guest bathroom). We took the cover off the litter box, and put it near the toilet. Now, whenever we use the toilet, we scoop out the box before washing our hands. The bathroom never smells, the box is cleaned at least 2-3 times a day. Neither of us minds being the one to scoop it out, and we joke at the cat about "stealing his poops" while we're doing it.


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## Faiora

For tidiness, we've run into lots of separate issues... and we've tried all sorts of approaches to make ourselves keep the house organized and clean. My SO and I have very different ways of approaching chores, so we try to use those to our advantage. He's good at doing small things regularly, and I'm better at doing big things all at once. Sometimes we need to compromise to make things work. 

One example is laundry - both of us really dislike doing laundry. We don't have laundry machines in our apartment, so we need to go down a floor to use the building's coin laundry. We tried having one person do the washing, and one do the folding... but inevitably a huge delay would happen between the two tasks, and we'd have piles of clean and dirty laundry in the bedroom. Finally, we decided on "laundry parties." We do the whole process together, and it works well because it has melded with our time for watching movies and TV. We sort the laundry together, put it in the wash, and put on a show that we watch together. If you have cable, this would be easy to do weekly during a lineup of shows you both like. We have some munchies and watch our show, and change out the laundry between shows. Sometimes while things are in the dryer, we have time to do some other chores. When the clothes are dry, we keep watching TV while we fold everything together, and after the show, we put it all away. I think this would work really well with kids as well - give them socks to sort while watching Sunday night Disney movies or something


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## Faiora

Finances are a big and constant issue for a lot of couples. Both my SO and I used to have a fair amount of debt (especially me). I did some pretty stupid things when I was younger, resulting in 3 credit card debts that went to collections (on top of my student loans), and 7 years of unfiled taxes. My SO had an old credit card debt and a car loan, but his credit was thankfully still intact. 

We both had a lot of papers from all our various stuffs, and weren't even fully aware of either of our financial situations. It was obvious we needed to take the time and go through it all, so we came up with the "paper party."

The paper party meant getting together just to sort through papers. We sat down at the table with boxes and boxes of paper, and just put it all in piles. A LOT of stuff went in the shredding pile - we had no need for regular bank statements (we look over our accounts online), or for many other old things. We got rid of as much paper as possible, and the rest we organized well. Each debt got its own file, with the most recent statements on top. Stuff for each year of taxes got its own file. 

We quickly realized there was a lot to do. We took all the tax stuff to an accountant first. We knew that even though it would be expensive, the stress reduction was far more valuable. In the end, we actually got a lot of money back from taxes; more than we paid for the accountant. 

We wrote down all the totals of our debts, and decided which ones to tackle first. We ended up putting the smallest debts first, which really helped with getting a sense of accomplishment as we moved forward. One I was actually able to pay immediately and outright. But, after that we knew the others would take some time. 

We wrote down our combined monthly income and necessary expenses, and decided how much we could save each paycheque, and how much we could use for debt. Our solution was to put money in savings every month, until we could pay debts outright. That might not work for everyone depending on your debts and your ability to keep money in savings. We have been set back quite a few times in our debt-paying goals because of necessary car repairs, vet bills, etc. We also took one vacation this year which we decided was necessary - our only vacation since we got married! 

We keep our accounting in a spreadsheet now - but you need to find your own solution that works for you. I know not all couples keep their finances pooled together, and in a situation with only one "breadwinner," I know accountability would work differently. Our method works for us because it's specific to our situation. 

At our now-occasional coffee shop meetings, we always check up briefly on finances. We don't go into detail (it would take far too long and drown out other issues), but we do a quick checkup on our spending habits (how "bad" we've been) and whether there's anything else we should be trying or working on. 

We still have occasional paper parties. The purpose of these is to go through all the stuff that comes in the mail, and either file it away or toss it out, or action it. We don't do these very often; just when one of us looks at the pile and says "I guess we should have another paper party soon."

Like with everything else, the key was to talk it all through together to work out a solution.


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## Faiora

Diet and Exercise:

This was kind of a neat addition to our meetings. They're two separate things, but there's a connection so I thought I'd mention them together. 

Diet took us ages to sort out. We both have some weight to lose, and we're both terrible influences on each other. We weren't overweight before we got married, but now we are. The problem is, when one of us suggested pizza or chinese food, the other thought it was a GRAND idea. We had no self control as a couple! We tried one diet twice (the Dukan diet, which has worked very well for some people in my family, and they've kept off the weight), but it didn't work very well for us. More recently, we started using the MyFitnessPal app, and our only commitment to each other is to make sure we enter all our food into the app, even if we do eat too much. So, that's what we check up on - whether we're signing in and entering all our food. 

We don't reprimand each other for going over our calorie limit. The app kind of makes you want to eat the right amount and eat healthy (and exercise!), so this has been working really well for us for a few months already. It's something we can stick to, and it doesn't force us to do anything we don't feel like doing. It's also easy to get back on track after one bad food day. 

Mind you, I don't feel I should advocate any particular program. We found something that works pretty well for us - but I know a few people who've become healthier using other methods. I think the key is to find something you can stick to long-term. 

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Exercise was something we weren't getting enough of for a while. I walk about 40 minutes a day (commuting), but it isn't enough to improve my cardiac health (I've had heart issues since birth). My husband has higher than normal blood pressure he needs to work on, as well as stress and sleeping problems. So, we have lots of reasons to exercise. 

At our coffee meetings, we tried to identify times that would be convenient for exercise, and some of these have worked out very well. For instance, when I go to volunteering meetings every Tuesday night (I do volunteer marine search & rescue), my husband drops me off at my meeting, and goes for a run or a long walk in the park that's right there. 

For a while we visited my sister to use her building gym and work out with her and her BF - but it's difficult to rely on other people that way. Eventually she started feeling "sick" a lot on those days, so we had to find other solutions. 

We found a shared interest in "prepping" (not like the guys on TV who fill their basements with food and water supplies to last through a nuclear winter - more like gathering up camping supplies in case there's a major earthquake and we need to get out of the city for a couple days to avoid fires & hazmat concerns). So, in thinking about how to prepare, we decided we need to be able to walk out of the city to someplace relatively remote where we could set up camp. Now, every Wednesday we go for a 3-hour walk to the next city, along a train route so we can head home quickly later. We usually go out for burritos when we get there, and it's a really nice night (actually it's Wednesday tonight and looks like it'll be a bit wet and miserable - but we're going anyway).

We still have lots to work on - I went to the gym at my work three times a week for a bit, then fell off the pattern - but we're in MUCH better shape than we were at this time last year.


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## Faiora

Hobbies:

My SO and I decided it was a good idea for us both to have things we do outside the house, away from each other. I think I mentioned this idea, and he jumped right on board. 

I contacted a few places I thought I could volunteer, and hardly anyone got back to me. Isn't that weird? But finally, I found the Royal Canadian Marine Search and Rescue. I have a lot of boating experience (I used to race sailboats), so this was a good fit for me. I go to regular training meetings on Tuesday nights, with a great group of people. It's really good for me because I'm not a very naturally social person (whereas my SO is). 

I've been doing that for almost a year now, so my SO has a bit of catching up to do.  It sounds like he might start taking some martial arts classes, which would contribute to his fitness goals as well. We bring it up now and then when we have coffee shop meetings, and I'm glad he's getting his enthusiasm back to do something. He always expresses that he's really glad I'm doing coast guard volunteering, and he's usually the one to bring up that he needs to find a hobby, too.


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## Faiora

I hope this thread doesn't sound like I'm bragging about my relationship - I'm starting to feel like it might. 

What I want to get across is that we have found one good way to improve things in our lives, together. It might only work for us because it's a solution that fits our personalities well, but I hope an altered version might be useful to someone in need.


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## tulsy

You guys appear to put a great deal of effort into making things better for each other. Good for you.

I think most people would agree, marriage takes work. You guys are both on board and working together to improve your lives.

There are some good ideas in this thread. Thanks for sharing.


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## Ikaika

Faiora said:


> *I hope this thread doesn't sound like I'm bragging about my relationship* - I'm starting to feel like it might.
> 
> What I want to get across is that we have found one good way to improve things in our lives, together. It might only work for us because it's a solution that fits our personalities well, but I hope an altered version might be useful to someone in need.


I don't think so... I like balance. Especially if it shows it can be done. Thank you for putting up this thread.


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## Faiora

tulsy said:


> You guys appear to put a great deal of effort into making things better for each other. Good for you.
> 
> I think most people would agree, marriage takes work. You guys are both on board and working together to improve your lives.
> 
> There are some good ideas in this thread. Thanks for sharing.


I really think that's what it comes down to; working together. There are so many ways to do that, but it must be hard to get back on track when you've stopped working as a team, or when you never did to begin with. 

I'd actually really love to hear some stories from people who never worked together before, and learned how to. I think that would be inspiring.


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## Racer

We do something sort of like that but for another reason entirely... It’s about spending time together outside the house. So, I scheduled my daughter’s guitar lessons every Friday at 5:30. And my wife and I have a mini-date (½ hour) on her way home from work while our daughter is at her lesson at one of the various bars next to this place. We just meet up. It’s also nice seeing the woman I love come walking through the door or her sitting at the bar smiling at me and waiting. On rough days she’s even been known to leave early and start without me 

We don’t talk about marriage or problems or things like that. We just enjoy each other’s company and escape the grind for a few minutes together talking about non-sense. And at happy hour prices... $8 two beers, it’s well worth it. (Or +$40 if you include the “excuse” lessons for us to date)

It works... there isn’t my usual frustration with having to go through my wife’s need to primp and pomp and lay out ground rules for the other kids staying at home (an hour just to have a quicky date). There isn’t some lame excuse like laundry needing folding or cat box or whatever that must be done before we can go... I snag our girl, the guitar, get in the car, and my wife bails out of her office and meets me.


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## Faiora

Racer said:


> We do something sort of like that but for another reason entirely...


We don't have kids - at least not yet - but it sounds like it becomes really difficult to find husband-and-wife time once you do. 

Kudos for finding a little way to keep the love alive, with so many things that are hectic and need doing! I'll have to remember that for future reference. ^_~


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## Racer

It’s not really even that... finding time with kids as ours are teenagers and can be left alone. Even back when they were young, daycare pickup is by 6:30... sneaking off for a ½ hour right at 5 isn’t hard. And honestly... haul them along; Do a meetup at the ice cream shop, a park, or whatever. What it is about is breaking the grind.

It is “the routine” you are breaking. Like a normal date night sequence of events. She gets home from work. Changes clothes, makeup, etc. (I wear the same stuff usually and don’t need to do squat). So I’m sitting around waiting. Then there’s the usual “what sounds good?” conversation or ‘what do we want to do’... Where she looks to me to guess at what she might want; A frustrating game. The phone will ring or some other distraction is normal (empty dog bowl, etc.)... Basically, an hour passes with me sitting there just waiting for her to “be ready” or she’s barking out orders to ‘help her’ accomplish stuff so we can “leave sooner”. Not relaxing. Sucks and I’m usually in a ‘not so pleasant’ dating mood before we even get out the door. And, since she’s seen the condition of the house, she’s already plotting the weekend chores... The date becomes with my mom telling me how I might be a useful little engine this weekend.

Ever see your romantic interest walk in the door at a bar and that smile that washes over them when they spot you? It’s a good feeling and entirely different than seeing her come in from the garage at home every night or worse; how you see them after you’ve just spent an hour doing little chores while they get ready... The little perspectives make all the difference in the world. I need to see you as a chick who’s into me... that smile across the room full of strangers has immense emotional value.


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