# Enmeshed mom-daughter relationship



## Arden

I am a 30 year old woman just about to finish my Masters in Counseling. I am in a long term relationship and will eventually be marrying this guy 
We are both living in europe for the moment, but we will be eventually moving back to the US this summer (he's full american, I'm mixed, half american, half from a country in africa where I grew up, I'll just call it home).
My parents are still living at home, and all of their children are spread out all over the world. Being the last of the 4, I was the last one to leave the "nest" and my mother had a very hard time with my leaving, which is understandable. 
We do though have a very enmeshed relationship. Most of my major decisions are based on if they will make her happy or not. I was living in N.America for several years, then moved to Europe to be closer to her. Now, I've met my future husband and we are thinking of settling down and starting a family. My usual way of making decisions to make her happy don't work as much now, and my boyfriend and I would like to go back to his hometown in Hawaii, which is, VERY VERY far from where my parents live. I know that if my parents were not alive today I would move there in a heartbeat, especially since his family there has a business in our area of expertise and we could easily start new jobs, with a house, and this would make our move together much smoother and financially simpler.
Therefore, I am quite lucky to have a boyfriend that is willing to try and live on the East coast of the US for a year to make this transition easier for me. I am well aware that it may be time for me to "cut the cord" and follow what we as a couple really want to do, but I am unable to make this decision as I know that my mother would have some serious issues with this. Not to ignore my father, his only wish is that I am happy, but I know the trips to Hawaii would be very difficult for him.
I have, for years and years and years, been by my mother's side, listening to all her complaints about her life, about my father, about my sisters and the bad decisions they made.. and I've always supported and felt responsible for her own happiness over mine. I have always called myself my mom's personal therapist (which probably explains why I became a counselor myself  )
So basically, seeing that I am completely involved in this situation, I need a more objective view of this situation other than that of my sisters and my own. Do you think I should do a clean cut and move to our dream place, or should I go slowly and give my mom and I one year of transition, to the risk of hurting my own relationship with my boyfriend? Is it time for me to switch my priorities? I'm very afraid of making a decision that I will regret later, but I just can't decide which option would be the one that would hurt the least amount of people.
Thank you for your input, any advice is greatly appreciated.

Arden.

Edit: Spelling errors.


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## Mrs.G

You admit that you are enmeshed with your mother. It is not healthy that you constantly place her happiness over your own. Marriage means that you and your husband are forming your own family and separating from your family of origin is one of the developmental tasks of marriage. If you keep choosing your mother over your husband, I guarantee that your marriage will suffer. You are clearly an intelligent adult; time to cut the cord.
My eldest bro is so enmeshed with my mother, that he runs to her with EVERY problem he has, especially with his girlfriends. They often leave because he is a mama's boy. It's so sad; he is a handsome and successful lawyer, yet he cannot find someone to start a family with the way he wanted to years ago.
Arden, its time for you to start living for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum

Your mum should want you to be happy. You need to do what is right for you and your boyfriend.


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## Runs like Dog

Co.De.Pen.Dent.


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## Arden

Thank you guys for the helpful answers . I'm well aware of what I desire, to move to Hawaii and start my life there (who wouldn't!!) I just have no idea how to proceed with this.. how to engage. It doesn't help that we're already separated by distance, so I can't do anything face to face. There is no easy way out of this, I just need to find the courage and strength somewhere.


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## Mom6547

Arden said:


> I am a 30 year old woman just about to finish my Masters in Counseling. I am in a long term relationship and will eventually be marrying this guy
> We are both living in europe for the moment, but we will be eventually moving back to the US this summer (he's full american, I'm mixed, half american, half from a country in africa where I grew up, I'll just call it home).
> My parents are still living at home, and all of their children are spread out all over the world. Being the last of the 4, I was the last one to leave the "nest" and my mother had a very hard time with my leaving, which is understandable.
> We do though have a very enmeshed relationship. Most of my major decisions are based on if they will make her happy or not.


Don't do that. That is not mentally or emotionally healthy NOR in your or HER best interest.



> I was living in N.America for several years, then moved to Europe to be closer to her. Now, I've met my future husband and we are thinking of settling down and starting a family. My usual way of making decisions to make her happy don't work as much now, and my boyfriend and I would like to go back to his hometown in Hawaii, which is, VERY VERY far from where my parents live. I know that if my parents were not alive today I would move there in a heartbeat, especially since his family there has a business in our area of expertise and we could easily start new jobs, with a house, and this would make our move together much smoother and financially simpler.
> Therefore, I am quite lucky to have a boyfriend that is willing to try and live on the East coast of the US for a year to make this transition easier for me. I am well aware that it may be time for me to "cut the cord" and follow what we as a couple really want to do, but I am unable to make this decision as I know that my mother would have some serious issues with this.


*MAY* be time? You are thirty. It is long past time. Your mother will have to learn to deal. 



> Not to ignore my father, his only wish is that I am happy, but I know the trips to Hawaii would be very difficult for him.
> I have, for years and years and years, been by my mother's side, listening to all her complaints about her life, about my father, about my sisters and the bad decisions they made.. and I've always supported and felt responsible for her own happiness over mine. I have always called myself my mom's personal therapist (which probably explains why I became a counselor myself  )
> So basically, seeing that I am completely involved in this situation, I need a more objective view of this situation other than that of my sisters and my own. Do you think I should do a clean cut and move to our dream place, or should I go slowly and give my mom and I one year of transition, to the risk of hurting my own relationship with my boyfriend? Is it time for me to switch my priorities? I'm very afraid of making a decision that I will regret later, but I just can't decide which option would be the one that would hurt the least amount of people.
> Thank you for your input, any advice is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Arden.
> 
> Edit: Spelling errors.


You know what to do. Do it.


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## COGypsy

You do realize that if you try to "ease into it" and go to the East Coast for "just 1 year" that there will be one reason or another that you'll have to stay close at the end of that year? And the next? And the next? It'll be their health, or some issue with your siblings, or _something_.... 

A clean cut is really the only way. Either that, or just decide that you're going to spend your life caring for your parents and let your fiance be free to find someone who will build a family _with_ him and not _around_ him. Which I really don't say to be mean, only in a practical sense, that ultimately there's a choice to be made and now is the time to do it.


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## turnera

Read the book The Dance of Anger. It will help.


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## Arden

Thank you again for your answers and help. I will look up that book as soon as possible.
I have pretty much made my decision, right now, I'm racking my brain trying to find ways to announce this. A couple of days ago I spent all day at home just basically crying my eyes out because the thought of disappointing my mother was so difficult to handle. I think that's what made me realize how strong a a "hold" she basically has on me. I don't think she does it consciously, or out of spite... 
I'm going to visit one of my sisters now for a couple of weeks, and will ask her for some advice, she's also had some issues with my mom (but not the same) so she's had to go through a difficult time also.
I will keep you all posted, and hopefully by this summer I will be settled and happy in our home in Hawaii.
Again, thank you all for your support! I definitely needed to "talk" to someone.


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## garfield9547

enmeshment is a superficial resemblance to intimacy. With true intimacy the individuallity is respected and each freely chooses love and closeness. 
enmeshment may feel close at times, but just the opposite is true. In a enmeshed mother daughter relationship the daughter is not allowed to develope a separate identity to the mother.
An enmeshed mother needs her child to take on her (parents) identity
The parents needs are satisfied at the childs expense.
Make a clean break


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