# Money/Work/Husband ugh!!



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

This is more of a venting post than anything...

I'm so done!! I've been the only one working in my household for a while now... and I make really good money (almost $80,000/year).. but we're still going under.

I had a meeting at the bank today because I knew things were bad.. but I didn't know how bad. Between all the debt payments, and mortgage, and bills, I'm barely, barely scrapping by. My credit score is **** because I've been putting mortgage and groceries over my credit card payments... and my husband just sat there, stupid.
Didn't offer to work, find a job or nothing. My banker asked him three times, "You're not bringing in any money? not even cash jobs or anything?" .. I was humiliated. 
I'm going to have to sell my house to pay off this debt .. and than rent for at least 6 months before I can get my credit score back up to where I can qualify for another house!
My husband's credit score is perfect! His debt is low... because everything's in my name!

I just can't believe it. I'm fuming!! I said in the meeting, "Wow, you're getting all the damn pie in this relationship!" I've had my tax guy AND my banker tell me I'd be better of financially without him!

I tried to justify it saying that it's better for my kids to have a parent in the home... but I don't know if that's real, or just excuses. I grew up in a single parent house, so I realize I have weird opinions about how a "healthy" home should look like... 

I'm going to go home later today and he's going to look at me saying, "what do we do?" ... is it wrong for me to want a man that will take charge and say, "hey.. this is what I'M going to do to help us out, because I can see that you're already doing EVERYTHING you can!!" 

Last time money came up and I told him how hard things were, and we may have to down size... instead of offering to get a job or to do something.. he just got moody and said, "I feel guilty. I feel like I'm letting you down" ... This is my fault because i ****ing baby him and say, "it's okay. the kids need one of us here for them" ... so it's just as much my fault for putting up with it! I'm angry at myself for being such a coward with him.

Guys, I'm so distraught. I told him not to talk to me in the car after the meeting because it was taking everything in me to not just say, "I'm DONE"

When we sell the house... I wanna rent my own place.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nope. Tell him you do not need a house husband. Get off his arse and get a job. As much enjoyment your H had in contributing to the financial hole he can enjoy with the clawing out. He may find a night time job.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ugh is right.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Nope. Tell him you do not need a house husband. Get off his arse and get a job. As much enjoyment your H had in contributing to the financial hole he can enjoy with the clawing out. He may find a night time job.


Just remember how hard it is to get a job. I've been trying to find something else for over 5 years and haven't been able to find anything. Things aren't now what they once were. When we moved to the East Coast I could get a good paying job in my field literally the next day, not anymore.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Just remember how hard it is to get a job. I've been trying to find something else for over 5 years and haven't been able to find anything. Things aren't now what they once were. When we moved to the East Coast I could get a good paying job in my field literally the next day, not anymore.


Sorry all the executive spots are taken. I'm certain there are a the very least a minimum wage job in their city. Sitting on the couch with that excuse is putting them in the poor house.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the sex and intimacy? Is he fulfilling your other needs?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> How's the sex and intimacy? Is he fulfilling your other needs?


I don't think that matters at the moment. I'm guessing her love language currently is financial stability of which there is none. The resentment is building and boiling over.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I had two friends who are like your husband and what I want to know is how do I find a woman like you? I have worked 12 hours days 6 days a week and travelled a third of the year on business. I have given my wife a lifestyle she never dreamed possible and she has made sure that she showed her appreciation every day of our 44 year marriage. For us, money is not an issue. My wife and I both worked until recently, have no kids and our combined income is more than twice of yours. Big difference when both of you work. Our life has been great. We only owe $100,000 for our mortgage (no other debt) and the only reason I have not paid that off is the tax deduction and the low mortgage rate so that the money put aside to pay for that is earning much more than what my mortgage payment is. Nothing on our credit cards and we lease our cars so we can get a new one every two years.

My two friends are both married to nurses who work double shifts to make ends meet. They all have excuses for why they cannot work or when they do find a job, a reason why they quit. I sometimes think that their wives enjoy being the breadwinner, certainly not your case. These guys have expensive hobbies to keep them busy during the day. One collects classic cars and motorcycles. He had one parked in his living room. The other is into amateur radios like me, and has about $10,000 worth of equipment. Yet when his kids wanted a DVD player, her bought one at a garage sale for $5. In fact, when it comes to buying things for anyone but himself, he buys used and inexpensive stuff. These guys must be hung like horses for their wives to stay married to them for so long and have a few children by them. They are not good looking or educated guys either. It is baffling, but guys like this are not uncommon.

Your choice is to continue living paycheck to paycheck or dump the dead weight and enjoy the fruits of your labor. If you marry a guy with a comparable income to you, you will be in the upper class according to our government. My life was four vacations a year, expensive cars and a life free of the worry and stress of not having enough money. I have seen so many people ruin their lives by being with friends and spouses who are a drag on them. What you do is your choice, but a woman making as much as you are should be living a much better life than you are.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Why doesn't he work?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This little boy that you let live with you and share your income with is really going to have to buy some big boy trousers and grow up.He is one of life's freeloaders,a bit like the perma students we read about.He is really living the life,get the kids off to school and then his day is his own.He doesn't want to work,he wants the magic money fairy i.e. you,to wave her wand and make everything all right.If he can keep coming up with excuses not to work then he just don't want to and is making you feel guilty when you bring it up.
I think it's ultimation time,tell him you want a husband and a partner you can depend on and give him a month to get a job,any job.Even if it is minimum wage it's time he manned up and got back into the workforce,You will find if you insist on him working then he will try and find a decent paying job fairly quickly.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....

You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

TheHappyGuy said:


> I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....
> 
> You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.


In some parts of the US $80,000 is nowhere near enough to get by on if you have kids and a mortgage. It really depends on where you live. My husband and I were doing really well on $150,000/year in central NY. My cousin in Seattle is struggling to pay his bills at $450,000/yr. Its all about the property values and the cost of living. We pay $2 for a gallon of milk. He pays $5! Our houses are practically identical but his cost $300,000 more than ours.

OP would you mind stating what all the debt is from? Student loans? Car loans? Necessary items or just things you wanted? Is it mostly from money you spent or him? Does he do the housework or sit around all day blowing time and money playing pay as you go cell phone games?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Also how old are your children? Is your husband home all day while they are in school or is he taking care of the children while you work. I can't help but feel if these roles were reversed it would be socially acceptable for him to stay at home and take care of the children because millions of woman do it while being totally supported by their husbands. There is no shame in being a stay at home Dad imo and not a lot of men can or would want to do that. 

Can you really not afford to live on 80,000 a year or has there been mismanagement somewhere along the way with your finances? Does your husband have any marketable skills that would get him a decent paying job as you have to consider the cost of daycare which can eat up a person's pay check pretty quickly. I don't know what your cost of living is in your area, but that would be enough money to support my family of 6.

If it's simple case of you need more money in the household then tell him point blank you need to get a job during the hours that I am home to watch the kids, or find a job that pays enough to warrant putting them in daycare and that this is not negotiable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

flyhigher said:


> This is more of a venting post than anything...
> 
> I'm so done!! I've been the only one working in my household for a while now... and I make really good money (almost $80,000/year).. but we're still going under.
> 
> ...


What does your husband with his time? Is her really taking care of the children? Does he take care of the home, shop, cook, etc? Or is he doing something else?

The fact is that you with your financial situation, he needs to work. And it looks like you need to stop enabling him.

I was married to a guy did not work most of our marriage. He made half assed attempts to find a job once in a while.

Things finally changed when I told him that I refused to support him anymore. I was going to divorce him if he did not get a job and start earning an income. He did nothing. I divorced him.

Then he saw the light. After all as a divorced guy, he had to support himself. He started a business. I had to help him do that because he had no money to buy the equipment. But now he supports himself.

Reality has a way of giving people a kick in the behind and getting them to act. 

I suggest that you do the same thing. Tell him that he has 3 months (or some number of months) get a job, or start providing services through Craig’s list, etc. What are his skills. Surely he can find a way to earn money.

If he does not, divorce him. You have to do this for his own good if he will not find a job. What he is doing it’s not good for him. You are hurting him letting him continue as he is.

Now, about you selling your house. I suggest that you not do that. Instead filing for bankruptcy makes more sense. File for both you and your husband. You can eliminate most of your debt. You can keep your house and your car(s). You can get your credit score up pretty quickly after bankruptcy. It’s really not a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheHappyGuy said:


> I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....


In marriage, one spouse staying home and not bringing in an income, has to be a joint decision. It is wrong for one person to *unilaterally* decide to put all financial obligations on their spouse.

There have been men who poste on TAM who were unhappy because they did not agree with their wife staying home. They got the same support that this OP, a woman is getting. So there is your answer. The support would be the same. And yes people would so equally outraged.




TheHappyGuy said:


> You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It could just be that you're living beyond your means. Many couples have one parent staying at home with the kids, while the other works...but they have to live within the money that's coming in on the one paycheck. If you're both over spending, or your mortgage is too high, etc...maybe making adjustments will help. There's a reason your husband didn't take a job, and is staying at home...I wouldn't want that arrangement when I get married, personally, but you both agreed to one parent being at home, so...maybe it's a matter of figuring out if you're living beyond your paycheck, and downsizing? 

Personally, your husband could work parttime on the weekends or something, when you're home...to at least get out of some of the debt. It's not wrong for you to want that, but sounds like he has become used to you running things financially...and maybe he feels that to now ''take charge''...it's just not what he's been used to.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> Also how old are your children? Is your husband home all day while they are in school or is he taking care of the children while you work. I can't help but feel if these roles were reversed it would be socially acceptable for him to stay at home and take care of the children because millions of woman do it while being totally supported by their husbands. There is no shame in being a stay at home Dad imo and not a lot of men can or would want to do that.
> 
> Can you really not afford to live on 80,000 a year or has there been mismanagement somewhere along the way with your finances? Does your husband have any marketable skills that would get him a decent paying job as you have to consider the cost of daycare which can eat up a person's pay check pretty quickly. I don't know what your cost of living is in your area, but that would be enough money to support my family of 6.
> 
> If it's simple case of you need more money in the household then tell him point blank you need to get a job during the hours that I am home to watch the kids, or find a job that pays enough to warrant putting them in daycare and that this is not negotiable.


I'm sure I'll pi$$ a lot of people off, but this. I'm only living off support right now. 23 years of marriage gone wrong, blah blah blah. I haven't worked the entire time (not by my choice). But, I'm managing to pay the mortgage and all of the household bills, all the while I can max out my HSA and IRA and have plenty to live off of and take a vacation while not bringing on any debt. I am a budget fanatic so maybe that's why. My support (spousal and child) is about 68k a year. Priorities.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TheHappyGuy said:


> I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....
> 
> You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.


Unfortunately, for many women, they work and still come home and do everything while their husbands, go play golf or sit outside reading the newspaper. But you have a point.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all the posts; I was pretty pissed off when I wrote that so it was lacking in detail. My fault!

First of all, something important to note is that H has depression and anxiety; not super sever, but enough that he would rather never not leave the house or meet new people (which makes finding a job a huge ordeal for him). This is challenging for me because I really love being social, but I've kind of come to terms with it. I have a group of friends that have kids the same age as mine and it's kind of expected that H doesnt join us on our little ventures. It's kind of an unsaid understanding with him and everyone I know. He's pretty good with "allowing" me and the kids to do our own thing when it comes to that; sometimes he'll grumble, but not usually. Sometimes, it bums me out that he doesn't participate like I wish he would; I see my friends with their outgoing husbands and sometimes get jealous... but, after 6 years, I'm used to it.

We have 3 kids. 2 school aged and a 2 year old. H stays home with 2 year old.. we both get up and get kids ready (ie: lunches, breakfast, clothing etc) and I drive them on my way into work. He picks them up from the bus at the end of the day and makes dinner for when I get home. He cooks, and will do the laundry and dishes, but that's about it. I need to clean and fold the laundry or else it won't get done. I'm not complaining about that, though... I think that's a fine arrangement. I don't mind helping out. Sometimes I wish he cleaned up after himself a BIT more... but, I dont usually spend my energy on that battle.

Yes, we had agreed on this current situation; he was working a good job a year ago but was fired for not keeping up pace and basically being a lazy employee. He didn't work for while, and during this time, we had a pipe burst in the kitchen which caused for a huge renovation. I had to take out quite a large loan to get the house back in order. Finally, I got fed up with him not working and threatened to leave. He got a minimum wage job at a factory during the night shift. He hated it and was miserable. We had a specific situation come up that was very dramatic and overwhelming for me; basically one of my friends was caught abusing her son; so he was placed in my custody. She started showing up at the house, threatening me, calling my phone over and over, leaving terrible voicemails and text messages. I was feeling unsafe with the kids at home at night and eventually asked him to stay home so I could continue to focus on my work (which was not going well with all the stress and distraction) ... we talked about it, and we thought, he hates his job anyway, he's miserable, which isn't nice for anyone in the family. Money will be tight, but at least we'll feel safe.

So he happily quit his job pretty much that second and our circumstance worked out for a while.

Between the loan we took out, both our students debts, the car payment (we share 1 vehicle) and our mortgage, which gets higher and higher with property tax (we live in an up and coming area)... plus my daughter is in dance, and my son is in karate.. plus groceries and gas and credit cards and bills; I"m suffocating.

I"m not upset that he hasn't been working; we agreed on that, and I get it. What bothered me is his lack of offer to HELP me. My friend is no longer a threat, and the safety situation isn't a big deal anymore. But when we were in that meeting.... I was getting pounded with bad news. "Here's how much you owe here, and here, and here, and your credit is terrible, and you didn't do this right, and now you cant do this and on and on and on" I was close to tears, because we DON'T live beyond our means... I'm trying so hard to keep everything a float... and he just sat there. Saying nothing. And when I brought it up last night, he said, "everything happens for a reason. we dont have to do anything yet"

I'm angry and hurt because if the tables WERE turned... I would have applied to 16 different places right now and I would be picking up a waitress job somewhere whenever I could. I would HELP us. I would WANT to help us. I would have the brains to say, "wow. he is already doing everything he can, and he needs help" ... and that's not what I'm getting back from him. I'm getting a shrug and a "there, there" and that's not what I need.

I alsio understand that it' up to me to COMMUNICATE all this to him. And I will, but I"m dreading it because he's just going to mope and make me feel guilty and come down super hard on himself saying things like, "I"m a bad husband, I've let you down".. he may cry.. He's one of those people that has a problem to every solution... so I somewhere along the line, stopped asking him to help me. I feel stronger without him.. and I think that says alot.

My heart is not in this relationship anymore... I"m tired of his negativity and general vibe. I dunno. I expected more out of marriage... We got pregnant within our first year of dating... and married soon after she was born. My head wasn't clear, almost. I feel like I was in la la land, thinking everything would work itself out... I'm still young, 27. He's 38.

He's not a ad man. He's a great father; my kids ADORE him. H makes me breakfast in the morning and lunch for work. I know he loves me, and he's doing the best he knows how.. but I'm tired of pretending I'm okay with our relationship. It's stale and boring. We have "okay" sex 1-2 times a month.

Anyway... that's that.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What does your husband with his time? Is her really taking care of the children? Does he take care of the home, shop, cook, etc? Or is he doing something else?
> 
> .


I've wondered this. I do all the shopping and take care of most of the cleaning.. he definitely cooks more than I do, and he has 1 very easy going kids to care for. He picks the kids up from the bus stops and gets dinner ready. I do homework with the kids.. and we both do bedtime routine together.
He is a PC gamer... sometimes I suspect he does that a lot during the day... but I can't say for sure.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Sorry- one more thing...

I do realize that it takes 2 to tango. I've been in IC this past year so I can learn how to better communicate and resolve issues with my husband. My therapist just recently closed sessions with me, because things seemed to be going well.

I have a hard time communicating with my H because I am always fearful of the guilt that will come from it; which is also my own problem. I choose to feel the guilt; I allow it, and I should be strong enough to look past it. It's a tough one for me that I struggle with every day.

I know that a lot of these issues are because of my enabling him. Most of the men in my life are workaholics, and I project disappointment onto him when I don't see him care about work.. 

He wants a simple life. I want an adventurous one. He thinks that means unstable and chaotic; I don't agree. Our lifestyle preferences are vastly different. 

I'm am putting effort into growing myself to become a mature responsible adult and parent, and I dont feel like he cares to that for himself. I do a lot of spiritual growth, and read a lot of books on purpose and fulfillment; he laughs at those ideas. He thinks its all silly. This limits a lot of our conversations and I feel, our connection is strained.

A few times, I have said, "I don't feel connected with you. I don't feel like we have any kind of common ground or connection; I'd like to work on that" His response: "What do you mean.. we're connecting right now!"

I've concluded that he simply doesnt understand what it means to connect with someone on a soulful level; something I crave.


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