# Ladies....anyone else "co-dependant"??



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I had a major break thru in therapy this past Saturday!

I am co-dependant.

I worry myself to the point where I'm stressed and feel anxious about what others are feeling. I don't want anyone mad, or thinking something that's not true, being mad at me etc.
I don't want anyone to feel something bad and I try fix everything for everyone. I don't say what I want, I don't stand up for myself at times b/c I don't want to make anyone mad! 

Any advice, books, tricks etc? My therapist has given me a couple of books to read but if anyone has had any success otherwise, would you please share?

Thanks in advance....not having a good day


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> I had a major break thru in therapy this past Saturday!
> 
> I am co-dependant.
> 
> ...


Sounds like me! What books did she give you?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie is one
And then she just told me to go to the internet and type in "co-dependancy". Alot of what's there is depedancy on other things such as drugs etc, but to keep searching thru that stuff. I've got to learn to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of myself. I don't put myself first and worry about things beyond my control....and it SUCKS! lol


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Becoming familiar with the condition and it's roots has value, but not nearly as much value as the thing you need to learn that will change EVERYTHING.

You need to learn how to be selfish ... and mean it.

Somewhere along the line, you were conditioned, or conditioned yourself to believe, selfish = bad.
And that simply isn't true.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> I had a major break thru in therapy this past Saturday!
> 
> I am co-dependant.
> 
> ...


Wow....I've been there (still get dragged back now & then)....I never realised it had a name though!

I just checked out an article written by Melanie Tonia Evans (relationship expert) and could see more clearly how well the glove fitted.

For me the journey to becoming less co-dependent started with accepting responsibility for my own world and learning to become the main source of my own happiness. 

The first thing I did was learn the difference between being "selfish" (which is all about pleasing "me" with little regard to how it affects others) and finding "self-fulfillment" (which is still about pleasing "me" but is done in a way that is conscious of the effect it may have on others and chosing the most gentle way possible of bringing it about).

I had to learn to say "No" and mean it. (this is a biggie!)

My catchphrase now when I want to say no is "No...but thank-you for asking". That's all I say. Being such a "yes" person it was really difficult at first to break the habit of simply agreeing to everything anyone wanted me to do without truly thinking about whether I really wanted to do it or not.

If you've been a "yes" person, expect resistance from those around you at first. They will be so used to you always being there/doing their bidding...that they will immediately notice the change with your first "no". It's okay....don't allow their resitance scare you in to submission - they are simply responding to the old you they know. Stand firm, with perserverence from you they will learn how you now wish to be treated in that regard.

Another biggie for me has been....allowing people to be who they are and not try to "fix" them. 

I have a fair bit of info on creating a better life for ourselves (in the form of articles and "how-tos") that I have saved over the years...if you would like any of it, let me know and I can either post it here or send it to you. There may be somethig amongst it that you will find helpful.

I kept it all because while it's great being told "You need to do this or that"....alot of the times we're just told to do something but never given the tools to make it happen.

Learning to become a truer "you" is a slow and at times difficult process, making life changes is never easy (that's why so many folk never do it)....but it is totally worth every bit of effort we put in to it. 

Eventhough my life has all sorts of crap happening in it right now, overall I am happy - I'm able to find enjoyment in something every single day, because the crap is only one part of a whole life - it's not everything. I couldn't have felt this way before I started on my journey.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I can relate, to a point.

Even when you acknowledge if, it's a process to change those tendencies.

I feel responsible for others' feelings, and as long as I know nobody (whom I care about) is upset, mad, or hurt, *I* feel ok.
Just tonight, my worry about my husband's reaction and possible control over something, combined with my concern for protecting another family member's feelings, threw me into a tizzy.

You can definitely work with this. Good for you for having a breakthrough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I am definitely the fixer type, but I usually say what I want (sometimes when i souldn't LOL) andI don't worry so much about anger, and except for those closest to me, cold care less what people think for the most part.

All that said... I have a desire to be more dependent on someone... strike that, a desire to find someone who will successfully let me be morfe dependent on them  then I have to figure out how to BE dependent on someone else ARG


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Becoming familiar with the condition and it's roots has value, but not nearly as much value as the thing you need to learn that will change EVERYTHING.
> 
> You need to learn how to be selfish ... and mean it.
> 
> ...


You are SO right! And this is so hard for me....because when I put myself first, I feel guilt...which eventually turns into anxiety! 

I keep going back to a childhood memory, and I think I might have an idea of when this all started....and I was very very young....and now I'm very very old LOL

I need to change, my anxiety gets so bad sometimes, I feel like my heart is gonna explode any minute....scary!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> Wow....I've been there (still get dragged back now & then)....I never realised it had a name though!
> 
> I just checked out an article written by Melanie Tonia Evans (relationship expert) and could see more clearly how well the glove fitted.
> 
> ...


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I can relate, to a point.
> 
> Even when you acknowledge if, it's a process to change those tendencies.
> 
> ...



I can relate totally....
I've always kinda took pride in the fact that I've been the "peace maker" in my family, but now I just realize that I was doing it to keep *ME *from feeling anxious about the situation! That's a hard pill to swallow but man, I've got some work to do!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

woodstock said:


> I am definitely the fixer type, but I usually say what I want (sometimes when i souldn't LOL) andI don't worry so much about anger, and except for those closest to me, cold care less what people think for the most part.
> 
> All that said... I have a desire to be more dependent on someone... strike that, a desire to find someone who will successfully let me be morfe dependent on them  then I have to figure out how to BE dependent on someone else ARG


I wish I didn't care what people thought...I say I don't, but I do! Just like being here...at first it seemed the women didn't like me....and that bothered me! I'm such a freak....but I want everyone to like me, because my friends know that I'm a very good and loyal friend, I guess I want people to see me the same way they do. *but I don't care* LOL yeah, right!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

With Selfishness, everyone needs a healthy balance. My husband tends to be too selfless , I tend to lean towards being too selfish, so where I need to put myself down, he needs to turn it up. I also feel some personality types tend to be geared more one way or the other - we all have to work on something. 

The problem I see with Co-dependency, if I understand what this is, is people often end up ENABLING the person they love to continue down a bad, even destructive path in life. Are You Enabling Addiction In The One You Love? The Role of Enabler I am all for listening to them, but NOT backing down, speaking our minds, and if we have too , leaving them to themselves -- consequences/tough love -to wake them up. 

Beat Codependent Behavior By Being Selfish - InfoBarrel

This book has over 200 5 star reviews >>> Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (9780894864025): Melody Beattie: Books

This one sounds good >>> Amazon.com: Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change (9781416550211): Robin Norwood: Books


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## justagirl123 (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi all! I consider myself a recovering co-dependent for life! The books that really helped me were Co-Dependment No More and Boundaries. It is so easy to get yourself lost in the needs of others. To feel the obligation to serve their needs first. To constantly say yes. To be a pleaser. I had to realize that being this way was hurting me so much. Sometimes, at least for me, it's easier to start setting boundaries in stages. With the people or situations that the rejection would hurt the least if they rejected you for standing up for yourself. What I eventually found was that people liked me better and respected me more for being more assertive and less at their beck and call. Congratulations on your breakthrough! Hugs!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> With Selfishness, everyone needs a healthy balance. My husband tends to be too selfless , I tend to lean towards being too selfish, so where I need to put myself down, he needs to turn it up. I also feel some personality types tend to be geared more one way or the other - we all have to work on something.
> 
> The problem I see with Co-dependency, if I understand what this is, is people often end up ENABLING the person they love to continue down a bad, even destructive path in life. Are You Enabling Addiction In The One You Love? The Role of Enabler I am all for listening to them, but NOT backing down, speaking our minds, and if we have too , leaving them to themselves -- consequences/tough love -to wake them up.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I wonder if the library has these books! I'm gonna call and see....I'm gonna be spending some time reading (I'm gonna be selfish and MAKE the time) and spending lots of money on books lol Thanks for the links....very helpful!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

justagirl123 said:


> Hi all! I consider myself a recovering co-dependent for life! The books that really helped me were Co-Dependment No More and Boundaries. It is so easy to get yourself lost in the needs of others. Yes it is!!!To feel the obligation to serve their needs first. To constantly say yes. To be a pleaser. I am ALL these things! I had to realize that being this way was hurting me so much. Sometimes, at least for me, it's easier to start setting boundaries in stages. With the people or situations that the rejection would hurt the least if they rejected you for standing up for yourself. What I eventually found was that people liked me better and respected me more for being more assertive and less at their beck and call. That's a positive! Congratulations on your breakthrough! Hugs! Thanks so much! You give me hope! (((HUGS))) right back atcha!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm glad you are finding good reading 

I am not so much co-dependant... more... hard-core enabler


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> I wish I didn't care what people thought...I say I don't, but I do! Just like being here...at first it seemed the women didn't like me....and that bothered me! I'm such a freak....but I want everyone to like me, because my friends know that I'm a very good and loyal friend, I guess I want people to see me the same way they do. *but I don't care* LOL yeah, right!



I will admit to having what people do say eventually get to me at times, but in reality, even then it does not affect how I act LOL


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Co-dependents are secret martyrs. They need to be loved BECAUSE of how much they suffer.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Co-dependents are secret martyrs. They need to be loved BECAUSE of how much they suffer.


Ok, I've read this over and over....
Co-dependants must be stupid too cause I don't get it lol

I suffer? I guess I do when I let others affect how I feel.
Not so much how I act, but inside I'm suffering...ahhhhhhhhh

Now...I get it :scratchhead:


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

woodstock said:


> I will admit to having what people do say eventually get to me at times, but in reality, even then it does not affect how I act LOL


You would never know I was co-dependant unless you were really close to me.....
I am a happy-go-lucky type person...mostly in a good mood and smiling but if there's a disagreement or you need something done and ask me...I will try and fix the problem (freaking out inside the whole time) or say "yes" to your request right away....

I think I'm gonna pause and say, "let me think about that" before I respond from now on...PROGRESS!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Shianne said:


> I'm glad you are finding good reading
> 
> I am not so much co-dependant... more... hard-core enabler


I think most everyone who's close to me is an enabler at this point....the enable me to do stuff for them or do _their_ worrying for them!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

justagirl123 said:


> Hi all! I consider myself a recovering co-dependent for life! The books that really helped me were Co-Dependment No More and *Boundaries*.


This is one of the finest books I ever read in my life. Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life (Inspirio/Zondervan Miniature Editions) (9780762421022): Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend: Books

I dont think I have ever been co-dependent but I have had friends who would PUSH a little more than I felt comfortable with, assuming things I would NEVER assume or ask of them.
I would try to be "nice" about it but inwardly little things would start to bother me & I would gripe about it to my husband. 

So I got this book, It really helped me sort through --knowing and understanding that we don't always have to be SO NICE, that some people ARE pushing our boundaries & we have every right in the world to say NO -and if they get MAD, this is fine. This is really NOT our concern. It is something that falls on them. Chances are, many of these people have not been taught to RESPECT others boundaries & other enablers have allowed them to become Vultures preying on others -for whatever. They use examples of a son who won't get a job -he has the enabling Mom continues to rescue -buys him a car, his insurance , a cell phone, etc. And we wonder why this kid never made anything of his life and wants to Mooch off everyone else. 

For instance (small story)- this good friend of mine, I didn't mind her son spending the night (alot) , good friends with my boys, I am pretty lenient this way, but this one night she dropped him off at my house like 7:00pm & called shorty after TELLING ME to make sure he gets a shower (she has done this before & I was always thinking to myself I would NOT tell another parent to do that, that would be something they would do before they went anywhere).

... and after reading this book, I realized SHe IS pushing MY boundaries, so I said to her "He was at your house all day, I think he should have taken care of that at home". She got MAD at me , and literally said in defense "well let him stink then"... I was like WOW. But you know what, I was OK with that, she needed to learn, although I love her son, he is welcome to spend umteen nights, she is not to call me up and tell me what I have to do for him , not something that was HER responsibility. 

Sometimes you just gotta let them get mad.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is one of the finest books I ever read in my life. Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life (Inspirio/Zondervan Miniature Editions) (9780762421022): Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend: Books
> 
> I dont think I have ever been co-dependent but I have had friends who would PUSH a little more than I felt comfortable with, assuming things I would NEVER assume or ask of them.
> I would try to be "nice" about it but inwardly little things would start to bother me & I would gripe about it to my husband.
> ...


You are so right! I just feel major anxiety over it, worry myself until I want to cry! I'm trying to find ways to deal w/my own feelings and I guess once I get that under control, it will be easier and alot less stressful for ME. And the story you told makes me realize that there are lots of those people in my life....and how do I now deal with the feeling of being "taken for granted and taken advantage of? Ugh...I hate this! And me being the way I am...I want to fix this about myself NOW....I've just been this way for so long I guess I need to take each day/situation one at a time.

Thanks for your input and support!
I will check that book out....definately!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> You are so right! I just feel major anxiety over it, worry myself until I want to cry! I'm trying to find ways to deal w/my own feelings and I guess once I get that under control, it will be easier and alot less stressful for ME. And the story you told makes me realize that there are lots of those people in my life....and how do I now deal with the feeling of being "taken for granted and taken advantage of? Ugh...I hate this! And me being the way I am...I want to fix this about myself NOW....I've just been this way for so long I guess I need to take each day/situation one at a time.
> 
> Thanks for your input and support!
> I will check that book out....definately!


 Excellent book to start with, it is written by Christian authors, not sure of your faith, but the message is for ALL. 

This friend I am talking about in my little story, she LOVES me, considers me her best friend in life, but I have Peeed her off a # of times with just being very HONEST before her. She knows I dont just say things to appease her, to make her feel good, or just go along. So if I give her encouragement or a compliment, she knows I MEAN it. And if I offer to do something, my heart is IN it. She has also learned from me.

Poeple will end up "Respecting" you MORE SO if you stand up to them. (but understand they WILL get mad when you start to do this -as they are not used to it -you have spoiled them).

Do not worry about loosing friends if you feel they are taking advantage of you, using you. None of us need friends like that. You have to ask yourself, what are they worth anyway- if so? So put them through the test. 

I never felt this friend was doing that, it was just her way, she can get a little bossy , not realizing what she is doing, that is all it was. 

Is your issues more with Friends, the husband, relatives, everyone ?? The Book explores it all. Many fine examples, I lent it out yrs ago & never got it back, I should buy myself another copy! 

You sound like a VERY sweet person JustAgirl. 

You are right, these things are HURTING you, it is affecting your life, you need to overcome here, make some real changes in your relationship habits to be TRUE to yourself. There is PEACE with this. 

Give me some examples of these friends, etc who are "taking advantage" - what they are doing, saying, expecting from you - and how you respond to them ---which I assume you are doing what they want -in order to be "liked" "loved" & "accepted" and this IS causing you growing inner resentment. 

Please feel free to PM me if you would like- behind the scenes. I can be a good listener, and I enjoy dissecting relational situations.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Excellent book to start with, it is written by Christian authors, not sure of your faith, but the message is for ALL.
> 
> This friend I am talking about in my little story, she LOVES me, considers me her best friend in life, but I have Peeed her off a # of times with just being very HONEST before her. She knows I dont just say things to appease her, to make her feel good, or just go along. So if I give her encouragement or a compliment, she knows I MEAN it. And if I offer to do something, my heart is IN it. She has also learned from me.
> 
> ...





> Give me some examples of these friends, etc who are "taking advantage" - what they are doing, saying, expecting from you - and how you respond to them ---which I assume you are doing what they want -in order to be "liked" "loved" & "accepted" and this IS causing you growing inner resentment.


My H is one...throughout our entire relationship (the 6 years of dating and 13 years of marriage) I have slowly given him everything.....when it comes time to order out, I let him decide. And this isn't a real biggie b/c most of the time, I'm eating to not be hungry, I usually speak up if there's something I crave, but even then, I give in to what he stated he wanted. The tv, I had gotten to the point where I didn't even feel comforatable watching what I wanted...and as stupid as reality tv is, I found it interesting and funny. Maybe it was to take my mind off my own drama, but he'd put it down or complain to the point where I'd hand him the remote...giving up all control. Eventually, I got a tv put in our bedroom and he watched the big 50" plasma, while I watched the little 26" in the bedroom. 
Anything done around the house, or to do with my son....if I had plans to do anything, I would say "yes" to any request he made. I used to think I was bad at putting things off, but now that I'm out of the house with him, I've noticed that it wasn't really me putting things off as much as it was putting everyone else's needs ahead of mine and no time to do what I needed to do. If the internet went out, I'd be the one on the phone w/the cable company...and I'm sure we ALL know what that's like! If there was any computer problems, I was the one to fix it. If he lost his keys, shoes, mind...I stopped what I was doing and helped him....
Now, you add all that on top of a sexless/loveless marriage and I had reached my breaking point with him. We are now separated and living in different places...I even left b/c he refused to. Anyway.....

Friends:: One in particular is someone I've distanced myself from. She would call and expect me to do something with her and I would do whatever I could to do so. One day, after 11 hour field trip w/my son....she called, was upset w/her boyfriend and said she needed to get out and wanted me to go. I told her that I had been up since 4 am, driven three hours, walked around Stone Mtn. w/a bunch of 4th graders ( I was a chaperonne) and I was just too tired....now, I actually thought of going! I believe if I weren't so dern tired, I would have gone...no matter what. Other firends will call and ask me to go somewhere or do something and no matter what I'm doing...I go. I know they're my friends, but I don't want to hurt their feelings when they've thought of me to go.

My H's family used to constantly call me about doing something for them....can you scan these pictures and put them on a disc? Can you print more business cards? (I designed business cards for my H's parent's two businesses) Can you pick this up from the store (his family lives about 20 miles and where we are is a bigger town, so they often come here for stuff) One year when I wasn't working, I actually did Christmas shopping for them. This past Christmas I had to order my son's present off ebay b/c my sister-in-law counldn't find it, had it shipped to our house and I told my H he could take it to her, I had done enough. His family constantly asked stuff of me...but they have done so much for us and my son, I felt guilty if I didn't comply. Since we've split a month ago, not one of them has called me.

My family rarely asks anything of me...but the drama is always something I'm trying to deal with. This person is mad at that person, or whatever....they ALL come to me, even my parents!

Work:: The women are all catty and talk about one another, they all come to me. I am a very open person, and it's bitten me in the butt! "Brevity is the sole of wit".... I need to learn that....

So, everywhere I turn, I have something or someone coming at me. I swear, if it weren't for my son....I'd take off. 
I know running from your problems gets you nowhere, but it just doesn't stop. I need some peace, I need some serenity, I need a vacation!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It sounds like you are really a DOER. You want to help but some of these times you are helping at the expense of your own sanity or well being. 

Many of these things you mention you probably wanted to do but some were asked at bad times, and you just didn't want to feel guilty. You will need to learn how to take care of your needs 1st and GIVE when you have the extra time & desire -and learn to not automatically jump to all requests. Show some hesitation if that is easier for you at 1st, stall, say..."IF I can make the time" so these friends will NOT expect so much, or offer that it might be better to ask someone else.

My mouth has come back to bite me in the butt too- because of my openness. 

What you can't do is just go along when one friend is cutting up another friend. IT is nice to be the one confided in as you get to hear all the dirt , but to each friend who shares with me, ultimately you want them to take what they are saying to you and go to that other friend they have issues with & talk it out. That should be your goal in listening. 

Play Devils advocate if you have too- try to give the other's perspective. You ultimately want to be the Peacemaker- if at all possible. 

But there are sometimes, you may have to politely just say "I don't want to be a part of this". 


Just some of my thoughts.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

QUOTE=SimplyAmorous;275856]It sounds like you are really a DOER. You want to help but some of these times you are helping at the expense of your own sanity or well being. 

Many of these things you mention you probably wanted to do but some were asked at bad times, and you just didn't want to feel guilty. You will need to learn how to take care of your needs 1st and GIVE when you have the extra time & desire -and learn to not automatically jump to all requests. Show some hesitation if that is easier for you at 1st, stall, say..."IF I can make the time" so these friends will NOT expect so much, or offer that it might be better to ask someone else.

My mouth has come back to bite me in the butt too- because of my openness. 

What you can't do is just go along when one friend is cutting up another friend. IT is nice to be the one confided in as you get to hear all the dirt , but to each friend who shares with me, ultimately you want them to take what they are saying to you and go to that other friend they have issues with & talk it out. That should be your goal in listening. 

Play Devils advocate if you have too- try to give the other's perspective. You ultimately want to be the Peacemaker- if at all possible. 

But there are sometimes, you may have to politely just say "I don't want to be a part of this". 


Just some of my thoughts.[/QUOTE]

*sigh* sadly, the place I work has a woman (who's been here 30 yrs) and is a two-faced b*T*H! This woman talked to me too, and I had to draw the line when she spoke of someone here who is one of the best human beings I know. He is a christian, who lives it....everyday. I told her not to talk to me about anyone else, if she wanted to talk about someone behind their backs, to go to someone else. Now, we aren't on the best terms but atleast she knows where I stand. I feel proud of that. She keeps things stirred up. I only listen to my co-workers and don't agree or disagree, and try to help (if I definately know both sides) but when they come to me, I feel like instead of it being THEIR problem, it now becomes mine as well. I feel uneasy and worried about it....WHY DO I DO THAT! I don't like it....:banghead:[


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## brokenwoman (Mar 29, 2012)

omg that is totally me, i get so consumed with worry and not wanting to make my husband mad.. even friends if i think im right , i still call and try to smooth it over


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