# I'm stuck.



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I've been struggling in my life and marriage. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have one 6 year old child. My husband is a control freak and has some odd tendencies. He's agreed to going back to counseling which has me holding on to the marriage... And the fact that he found a job. 

My conflicts are numerous. We have an awful sex life ... But I've realized that marriage isn't all sex and roses. My husband has gay tendencies. I have asked before if he is gay... And he says no. Yet... Like today... He is driving us to a very nice mothers day brunch and is cranking 70s music (he knows I hate it) and convulsing in dance moves that appear gay... He's slamming on the steering wheel and appears like he's having a seizure. Obviously he does not care that I hate this... So I remain silent after kindly asking him to stop. He does not. 

These kinds of things drive me nuts. He knows this. He still does it because "he's being himself" and I shouldn't prevent that. Maybe he's right? Maybe the problem is... ME? Maybe I just can't deal with the oddities anymore??? 

Or maybe he should be more respectful of me? I don't know. Bottom line is I'm 36 and I want another child and I'm unsure if I should Hang in there with him for another chance? 

He's a Christian man but he has a short fuze and is extremely critical and controlling. He is improving... But I hate the fact that I don't see him as a strong guy and husband when I look at him. I see him as feminine and childlike. It's just a tough time for me and I'm searching for answers. 

Please let me know how skewed my thoughts are...
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well... your example of his singing n the care hardly would be any proof that he's gay. He might be a bit odd... don't know. But that's hardly 'gay'.

If you don't like his mannerisms, why did you marry him?

As for the controlling. Give some examples of what he does that is controlling.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Wow if you had added, sings off key, when describing your husband I would be your husband minus the 70s music pick any other and you have me.

I don't really understand what makes you think he may be gay kind of need more then acts like a child and does really obnoxiousness things because that sounds like a lot of men I know and I am being serous when I say that. 

More info might help tam users understand.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Oh I wasn't trying to say the stuff in the car was proof he was gay... It was just a symptom of a feminine .. Immature persona. 
He just acts this way.. A lot. He likes to prance around with his underwear hiked up .. In a feminine way... And most of his friends from his past .. Are gay. 

Examples of controlling include... Recording women on tv and telling me he recorded them so I could see their clothes ... He wants me to wear. Circling clothes in Women's magazines for me to wear ...inviting his parents to visit from out of state and making me juggle my full time job and cart them around... Because he couldn't be bothered with HIS work. 

He must decorate the house... If I bring something home .. He will insist in taking it back... 

And up until a few weeks ago... He wouldnt accept jobs that were "below him" ... Instead he was insisting that I file for bankruptcy. Fortunately his "dream job" came along and we don't have to worry about that anymore... 



QUOTE=EleGirl;744820]Well... your example of his singing n the care hardly would be any proof that he's gay. He might be a bit odd... don't know. But that's hardly 'gay'.

If you don't like his mannerisms, why did you marry him?

As for the controlling. Give some examples of what he does that is controlling.[/QUOTE]
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your reasoning behind suspecting your husband has gay/feminine tendencies is insane! The fact that you *hate *his somewhat free-spirit is also very alarming (for you not him). 



> Bottom line is I'm 36 and I want another child and I'm unsure if I should Hang in there with him for another chance?


Chance?!! You did marry him 12 years ago right? That's when you stopped giving people chances and signed a contract to be with your husband *till death do you part*. You don't give your life partner chances. Unless he's being abusive, unfaithful or completely checked-out, you have no moral right to disrespect him like this.

I think your post sounds very childish. You accuse your husband of being a "control freak" which hints at "abuse" and too much alpha behavior, but you clearly have no respect for him because you say he's "feminine and childlike". 

He's not "manly" enough but he's controlling?! That doesn't even make sense.

Judging by your second post, I think you find your husband a bit 'shallow' and 'unambitious'. That may or may not be totally true about your husband, but again, I feel like you have very little respect for your husband to gain my sympathy regarding those issues.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Wow. Ok. Thanks for your input. I guess I am still bitter. He ran my credit about 50k in the hole and refused to get a job unless it met his requirements... And suggested that I file bankruptcy. I had.. And continue to... Struggle with this. 

As for the gay tendencies maybe I'm not clear enough on my thoughts. He has texted gay friends religiously and invited 5 gay men to dinner at our house.. People I hadn't even met. That... Along with dressing like a woman at child Halloween parties .. Just made me suspicious. 

And oh yes.. When our dogs turned on our infant son .. On my watch.. And I insisted that they live outdoors or go elsewhere.. He threatened to "put himself to sleep with his dogs" because no one "could care for them the way he does". That was years ago... But that immaturity still bothers me and I can't seem to forget it. 

It's certainly possible that I am the problem.,, but I believe it's more than just ME. 




synthetic said:


> Your reasoning behind suspecting your husband has gay/feminine tendencies is insane! The fact that you *hate *his somewhat free-spirit is also very alarming (for yoofu not him).
> 
> Chance?!! You did marry him 12 years ago right? That's when you stopped giving people chances and signed a contract to be with your husband *till death do you part*. You don't give your life partner chances. Unless he's being abusive, unfaithful or completely checked-out, you have no moral right to disrespect him like this.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your examples still do not make your husband sound gay. He sounds like a guy with a goofball way of joking around. 

His wanting to be the one who decorates the house….again that’s not gay. My ex2 is the last guy anyone would consider gay. He wants to be involved in everything having to do with furnishing and decorating our home. He would not take things back. But he did voice his opinion if he does not like something I buy for the house. And I respected his opinion about this just as he respected mine.

What he does with your clothing could be based on several things.

My ex2 dressed horribly. Talk about a dork dresser. So I used to buy almost all of his clothing. He loved it because he hated to shop.

And he admitted that I had much better fashion sense than he. He liked the way he looked with I picked his clothing out. (Plus I know where to buy top brand men’s clothing for almost nothing.) 
Does he have good fashion and decorating sense? 

Do you really think that being goofy, being interested in decorating and fashion are signs of a person being gay?

What is his dream job? I'm really courious now...

You seem to not like or respect your husband. Don’t have another child with him. Perhaps you need to divorce him and let him find someone who can appreciate his goofball joking around, his interest in fashion and his decorating. 

Why on earth did you marry him?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I think his feminine mannerisms and his habitual texting/hanging with gay men... Is a red flag. Especially since he doesn't Have sex with me... He just wants me to help him masturbate. We have discussed this is therapy. 

His dream job .., being a photographer at a news station. 

QUOTE=EleGirl;744865]Your examples still do not make your husband sound gay. He sounds like a guy with a goofball way of joking around. 

His wanting to be the one who decorates the house….again that’s not gay. My ex2 is the last guy anyone would consider gay. He wants to be involved in everything having to do with furnishing and decorating our home. He would not take things back. But he did voice his opinion if he does not like something I buy for the house. And I respected his opinion about this just as he respected mine.

What he does with your clothing could be based on several things.

My ex2 dressed horribly. Talk about a dork dresser. So I used to buy almost all of his clothing. He loved it because he hated to shop.

And he admitted that I had much better fashion sense than he. He liked the way he looked with I picked his clothing out. (Plus I know where to buy top brand men’s clothing for almost nothing.) 
Does he have good fashion and decorating sense? 

Do you really think that being goofy, being interested in decorating and fashion are signs of a person being gay?

What is his dream job? I'm really courious now...

You seem to not like or respect your husband. Don’t have another child with him. Perhaps you need to divorce him and let him find someone who can appreciate his goofball joking around, his interest in fashion and his decorating. 

Why on earth did you marry him?[/QUOTE]
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's definitely more than just you.

Ok, putting his picky job-seeking approach aside, what are the financial dynamics in your marriage? 

If in the last 12 years that you've been married, you both as a couple made $100, how much of that would you say you each contributed? Please be honest.

You claim he ran $50K on your credit card. First of all, in a marriage, there is no "my money, your money", it's always "our money". So what was the $50,000 used for? Did he buy himself drugs with that money? Did he spend it on hookers? Please elaborate.

As of right now, who is financially contributing more to your marriage? Again, as of right now.

*The dog issue*:

I say this with the utmost sincerity: Do not hold this against your husband. 

I understand the difficulties that dogs can cause when a newborn baby is added to the household. This is very common and unfortunately destroys the lives of many lovely dogs. It's quite preventable in most cases, but when a couple gets pregnant, they usually drop the ball on training the dog for a baby. 

I may end up with a new-born myself in the next year or so and if my dog poses a serious threat to our child, I may still refuse to give her up. I will do whatever is possible (beyond what people consider normal) to keep her in our family. If she goes, it would be the most devastating thing for me. I can totally understand your husband's reluctance to give up the dogs. In fact, he may have felt those dogs were the only things he could hold onto before you could completely overhaul his true "self" and give him a new identity.

I highly suspect your husband finds you extremely controlling. He may feel very much violated by your demanding attitude and your lack of respect for him. That's very "manly" of him. Men don't appreciate having to give up their true personality for a modified version of themselves that bends to their wife's desires. That's the biggest cause of built-up resentment among men and a fertile ground for infidelity.

You married your husband for quite a few reasons 12 years ago. Remind yourself of those reasons and see if he still has those qualities. Chances are he still does, but you've slowly tried to change him into another person and he has now put on a mask just to avoid your wrath. This is so common in today's marriages that it's actually pretty sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Wow. Ok. Thanks for your input. I guess I am still bitter. He ran my credit about 50k in the hole


Ok now you are talking about things that are significant. What sort of things did he spend all this money on?
Was this debt on joint cards or cards in your name only? If in your name only, why did you let him use your credit cards to do this?


questionme2 said:


> and refused to get a job unless it met his requirements...


How long was he unemployed? If it was for a long period of time it would bother me as well. My ex2 did that.. refused to take a job that was not the prefect job. Now it’s 10 years later and he never got that perfect job. I divorced him for this and other reasons.


questionme2 said:


> And suggested that I file bankruptcy. I had.. And continue to... Struggle with this.


Do you mean that you file by yourself? Or did he file with you?



questionme2 said:


> As for the gay tendencies maybe I'm not clear enough on my thoughts. He has texted gay friends religiously and invited 5 gay men to dinner at our house.. People I hadn't even met. That... Along with dressing like a woman at child Halloween parties .. Just made me suspicious.


What I have read is that many men who dress like women for Halloween are secret cross dressers, not gay. I wonder. If a guy does this once or even twice I don’t think it means much. But if they do it every chance they get I agree that something is going on.
Does your husband use a computer to communicate with gay men? There are things you can do to find out what he is talking to them about. You might want to do this.


questionme2 said:


> And oh yes.. When our dogs turned on our infant son .. On my watch.. And I insisted that they live outdoors or go elsewhere.. He threatened to "put himself to sleep with his dogs" because no one "could care for them the way he does". That was years ago... But that immaturity still bothers me and I can't seem to forget it.


I have 3 dogs, big dogs, who I dearly love. But if one of them turned on a child I would either rehome it to an adult only home to people who knew how to handle a vicious dog or put it to sleep. I would not even allow that do to live on my land. And if my husband said such nonsense I would suggest that he go ahead and ask to be put down. This is a problem. It’s a bit weird IMHO. But a lot of ‘animal rights’ folks are stupid in this manner.



questionme2 said:


> It's certainly possible that I am the problem.,, but I believe it's more than just ME.


IN your last post you finally brought up some real issues. Seems that you need to figure out what the real issues are. Yes you seem very annoyed by him. But being annoyed is not the big issue here. Irresponsible financial behavior, his disregard for your credit, and his acting like he’s in an affair (with 5 gay guys) are issues to be concerned about. So let’s explore those.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

The money... I have been the breadwinner for all 12 years. I have made more than double his salary. It will remain that way.. Even with his new position. 

He left me with 50k in debt because he "forgot" to tell me that a deposit at the bank was on hold. But that deposit was meant to cover a settlement we reached on a landlord dispute... And it had to be transferred ASAP. He knew that. But "forgot" so I got slapped with the entire settlement because it was considered "breached".
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> The money... I have been the breadwinner for all 12 years. I have made more than double his salary. It will remain that way.. Even with his new position.
> 
> He left me with 50k in debt because he "forgot" to tell me that a deposit at the bank was on hold. But that deposit was meant to cover a settlement we reached on a landlord dispute... And it had to be transferred ASAP. He knew that. But "forgot" so I got slapped with the entire settlement because it was considered "breached".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So the 50K is community debt. He owes half of it. Though in a divorce a judge could put most of it on you since you earn twice his income. depending on your state you could end up paying him child support and alimony.

How long was he unemployed?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He hasn't officially been hired... But it looks like an offer will happen tomorrow. He has been unemployed for about 6 months. 


QUOTE=EleGirl;744884]So the 50K is community debt. He owes half of it. Though in a divorce a judge could put most of it on you since you earn twice his income. depending on your state you could end up paying him child support and alimony.

How long was he unemployed?[/QUOTE]
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Okay, then this changes my judgement quite a bit.

Your husband is financially irresponsible.

The question is, are you going to forgive him for that $50K mistake or not? I'm sure his irresponsibility wasn't the whole cause of that debt (based on your description), but that's not important. Are you going to put this behind you or not?

You hadn't told us about the sex issue. How the hell did you go from having sex to only assisting him masturbate? Who stopped putting out?! That's not normal at all. Are you willing to have sex with him but he refuses and only wants a HJ?! That's quite a messed up thought-process.

Is he a good father to your 6 year old?

If he came on this board to vent about his problems, what do you think he would complain about?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I think I have worked hard to forgive him for the financial mess... As long as he tries to provide for our family... Which he is doing NOW. 

The sex stuff... He said in therapy that it was the result of being too quick on the trigger. He can't last more than a few seconds... Sometimes a minute. But he will not go to the dr (I begged..). He says he can "handle it". But, he obviously can't. Then he started turning to porn. We had big fights over that and he says he's stopped that. 

He has been asked in therapy what he would change about me. He told the therapist.. Nothing... Except that I leave my closet and the bathroom cluttered with clothes. 
I know that he wants more sex.. But I don't like it... Since there's nothing in it.. For me. 

He is a good dad.. But he has a short fuze. He is often border line concerning. When our son was younger and would accidentally step on him or something... He would violently push him backward or throw him down on the bed. He went to therapy after that (I demanded) and I haven't seen it happen anymore. 


QUOTE=synthetic;744890]Okay, then this changes my judgement quite a bit.

Your husband is financially irresponsible.

The question is, are you going to forgive him for that $50K mistake or not? I'm sure his irresponsibility wasn't the whole cause of that debt (based on your description), but that's not important. Are you going to put this behind you or not?

You hadn't told us about the sex issue. How the hell did you go from having sex to only assisting him masturbate? Who stopped putting out?! That's not normal at all. Are you willing to have sex with him but he refuses and only wants a HJ?! That's quite a messed up thought-process.

Is he a good father to your 6 year old?

If he came on this board to vent about his problems, what do you think he would complain about?[/QUOTE]
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your husband is depressed. PERIOD.

I don't know the details of his childhood, teen years, education and career events, but his sexual problems are 100% the result of depression.

Porn, masturbation, premature ejaculation, lack of ambition, financial irresponsibility, indifference towards things are all bold signs of depression.

You may have also played a part in his depression.

I'm a depression-prone person myself and although my wife cannot be blamed for that, she definitely played a major role in me hitting rock-bottom. I'm still recovering (hopefully), but the symptoms are still fairly fresh in my mind. I find many men with the same symptoms who are simply unaware of their devastating situation. They think it's normal. It's not.

Your husband is depressed. Unfortunately there's little you or anyone else can force him to do about it. He has to go through it and hopefully come out of the other side in one piece.

As his wife, your encouragement, positive vibe (not constantly complaining and threatening) can help.

Professional help can be a double-edged sword. Many professionals not only don't help, they actually set the recovery clock back with every visit.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I seriously doubt he's gay if he wants more sex with you.

There are some issues I see here though. Refusing to work until you get your "dream job" is ridiculous in this climate.

And the dog thing...any parent who would put the safety of their newborn child in peril over an animal, should not be a parent. If I had 2 dogs that "turned" on my child they would be dead and burried long before they have another chance. And my wife would back me up on it.

The fact that he would rather "be put to sleep" with his dogs says something profound about his fatherhood.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well the dog issue happened long ago... And he got it together when I told him that I was not going to stay in the sane house as him or the dogs. He eventually wisened up, but it was tough for me. 

Bottom line... Everyone has flaws. Maybe I should just continue to hang in there with him? Does it really sound like I'm ready for divorce?


QUOTE=sinnister;745047]I seriously doubt he's gay if he wants more sex with you
There are some issues I see here though. Refusing to work until you get your "dream job" is ridiculous in this climate.

And the dog thing...any parent who would put the safety of their newborn child in peril over an animal, should not be a parent. If I had 2 dogs that "turned" on my child they would be dead and burried long before they have another chance. And my wife would back me up on it.

The fact that he would rather "be put to sleep" with his dogs says something profound about his fatherhood.[/QUOTE]
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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't understand why you are even thinking about divorce.

So far you have provided a few examples of things your husband did in the past and according to your own words he eventually fixed them.

I'm wondering why you keep holding those things against him. You should not feel like he owes you something. He doesn't. Do you feel like you owe him something? I don't think you do. He shouldn't either.

Your husband was unemployed for 6 months. That's not such a long time in this economy. I understand he was being picky about the opportunities, but sometimes people are just not ready to go back to work no matter what. Again, your husband suffers from depression. I have absolutely no doubt about that. Now he's found a decent job and is working full time right? Well let him be then 

You're right: everyone has flaws. Your husband though, has much tolerable flaws than many husbands who abandon, cheat, abuse and destroy others' lives. Your husband hasn't done any of that stuff. Forget about divorce. You have no case. Stick to your family and try to make life fun. You're only gonna live a few more decades (at most). Why make it such a miserable time by holding grudges and being so detail oriented?

Remember: there's a 6 year old here who would absolutely get crushed if you broke his/her home.


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