# Should I apologize to my mother in law for my opinions?



## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I never had a close relationship with my mother in law. I knew how she judged me and gossiped about me behind my back since the beggining. 
A couple months ago, my good sister in law accidentally left her email inbox opened and my other sister in law read all of our conversations. We talked about hurt after their fathers passing. I did not agree how MIL treated her husband and that she wanted him to die in a hospital. We also talked how unfair she was towards to two of her three children. So this other sister in law printed out all of our emails...she let MIL and some other people to read them. No one ever wondered why she even read them and how unethical was that. My MIL made a huge drama about it...I honesly could see her point if I called them names or something like that, but I did not. My husband now wants to see all of those emails. Shoud I apologize for my own opinions and believes? This other sister in law hates me, she is also very jelaous of my relationshe with her owm sister and thats why she did it. What should I do?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Is apologizing your idea or someone else's?


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Hers. She demands it.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So..... What's stopping you?


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I dont think I did anything wrong thats what is stopping me right now. It was private convo not a public thing. I did not call her names or said something that is not a true.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't apologize for opinions. I would apologize for voicing them in such a sensitive time. But apologize for what I think? Hell no.

And a forced apology means sh1t.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No way. Apologizing because someone's feelings got hurt? Dang. No.

I wouldn't apologize. Those were personal emails and they weren't meant for her MILs eyes.

I mean, maybe you have to eat crow in this situation but it won't make them like you again from what you've said.

I am happy I have no in-laws.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Has your husband weigh in on this? What's his opinion?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

elizabethb- Here's the deal. While you "know" your MIL judged you and gossiped behind your back, your MIL has written proof of you speaking of her in less-than-glowing terms.

In an ideal world, this wouldn't matter, because your husband would be able to separate the two of you in his head. In the real world, your husband is going to get to read those emails sooner or later, and when he wants to talk to you about it,

"well, your Mom judges me and gossips about me behind my back"

just isn't going to measure up.

Faced with your situation, I think I would do the following-

First and foremost, I would never, ever discuss sensitive matters like this with your SIL again, by email, in-person, by smoke signals, or anyway else. You accept that it was an accident, leaving her email open. I am skeptical. You should be too. Don't trust this woman any more. She is not your friend.

Second, I would apologize with genuine contrition. You can have whatever opinions you want to, but offering those opinions up in a manner where they could make their way back to MIL is bad.

So apologize.

Tell her you're sorry that she had to read those messages. Tell her that you know its not your business how she treats 2 of her 3 children, and that you regret her loss of her husband and that you possibly spoke when it was not appropriate. Tell her that you love her son very much, and that learning to shut up is usually a hard lesson in life.

Note that there is nothing in there about apologizing for having the opinions you have, so your integrity is intact.

I think that doing this would show that you have dignity and grace, and are willing to do your part to defuse awkward family situations. It probably won't help with MIL, but I have to think it will do wonders for you in the eyes of your husband.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I wouldn't apologize for what I wrote. I would consider telling her I regret that she was upset. If she says anything more, you can ask her to apologize to you first for the various slights and gossip she perpetrated. You'll never have a good relationship with her, but in your position I'd be damned if I let anyone disrespect me and then have the gall to ask me to apologize. I'd also demand the SIL apologize for invading privacy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a tremendous amount of Drama that will put a fork into the notion of every bridging that gap with your Mother in law...what your SIL did was very very dirty , underhanded...she aimed to stake you with a knife...

I think you and your Husband need to go forth together on this.. it always helps if one can step outside of the drama and get a feel where all sides are coming from.. when we talk about others, it is because we have been hurt by them.. if your Mother in Law can not see that she has contributed to your dislike of her (hard as this may be).. it's unfortunate.. 

Although we can not change how others are, we can face ourselves and our hand in what we did.. 

The BEST advice on this thread is above... NotLikeYou spoke to you the best course of action to smooth this over.. .. and learn from this...

It always takes someone of strength to go forth and try to bridge these sort of fall outs, if one cares enough.. 



> *Notlikeyou said*: *I think that doing this would show that you have dignity and grace, and are willing to do your part to defuse awkward family situations. It probably won't help with MIL, but I have to think it will do wonders for you in the eyes of your husband.*


 So true... excellent advice.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

No I would not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> Hers. She demands it.


Screw that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Definitely show your dh the e-mails. Transparency in marriage is very important, I think.

If the family is upset, how about just being honest and saying, "Hey, why don't we talk about what SIL and I said?" A conversation like that could be the beginning of a truly healthy family, a family that faces conflict head on.

Of course, you would have to listen to them, too. Active Listening would be really helpful if you go the family conversation route.

If they are not able to have a mature, open, honest conversation about it, then that just confirms what you likely already feel about them.

I, too, am curious as to what your dh thinks about all of this. I hope he has your back.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wonder just how "accidental" the SIL leaving the email open was...

Your other SIL is a trouble maker...why on earth would she have printed those emails and shown her mother? Especially at such a stressful time?? It's only going to add to her distress and cause family discord at a time when unity is needed.

I would simply say that you're sorry MIL is hurt, that it was a private conversation and you are disappointed that you're not able to trust your SIL.

But then, I can't stand my inlaws so I don't give a hoot if I never see 'em again, that would be a win for me, lol.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

yes, to save face and keep the peace.

look, she is who she is. it's still your husband's mother, so why rock the boat even further?

Say that you're sorry your thoughts were offensive.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Well you can always apologise and make it sound like its an apology and not an apology at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> i never had a close relationship with my mother in law. I knew how she judged me and gossiped about me behind my back since the beggining.
> A couple months ago, my good sister in law accidentally left her email inbox opened and my other sister in law read all of our conversations. We talked about hurt after their fathers passing. I did not agree how mil treated her husband and that she wanted him to die in a hospital. We also talked how unfair she was towards to two of her three children. So this other sister in law printed out all of our emails...she let mil and some other people to read them. No one ever wondered why she even read them and how unethical was that. My mil made a huge drama about it...i honesly could see her point if i called them names or something like that, but i did not. My husband now wants to see all of those emails. Shoud i apologize for my own opinions and believes? This other sister in law hates me, she is also very jelaous of my relationshe with her owm sister and thats why she did it. What should i do?



*Apologize? Hell no*


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

If these are your private opinions, fine. but then it may have pissed off your SIL because she deems you an outsider and you're taking sides. May seem irrational, but then this is why she and others in her place may view it...

Also, who is to say she sidn't forward them on? or forwarded them via BCC? or used her smartphone e-mail app and showed them to her mother?

You can apologise, but maybe it's just me but you're being stubborn and causing a ruckus if you say "it's my right to my opinion!" If your MIL/SIL already dislike you, this gives them more ammunition. 

And where is your hubby? HE should be the mediator, as it's HIS mother and sisters.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Here is how it looks fom outside. They gossip. You gossip. You got caught red handed. They play offended und demand appology. 

I'm saying 'they' because these people are some strangers you pick along with your marriage. 
Otherwise they would be some faceless nobodies on the street. Treat them that way. Say and do nothing that you don't want see printed in the local newspaper or on Facebook. 

That doesn't answer your question about appology. 

Do you depend somehow on those people? Financialy?
How close is you husband with them?
How much influence do they have on him?


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Has your SIL apologized to her mother for her part in all this? She was talking about her own mother from a less then positive view point and is just as countable, if not more so. I would under no circumstance apologize and would condemn the other SIL for taking the emails to her. 

I have a MIL that's worse then yours and haven't seen or spoken to her in 18 years. Sure she still contacts, or now tries to contact her son but he won't talk to her. We have watched the other family members, his sisters and now their husbands and children, along with my FIL (MIL's ex-H) and his wife feed the monster as I call it. They all give in to her demands no matter what they are just so they don't have to feel the wrath that she will wield on them for not complying and now the monster is even bigger!!!

The only persons you need to be accountable to is yourself and your husband. As long as he's got your back then don't fret. He obviously saw the same things you did so he should be on the same track as you. Don't expect him to tell his mother that though, because he probably won't. He just needs to tell mommy dearest that this is between her, you and his sisters, but he will be backing his wife. 

Don't be like everyone else and refuse to feed the monster!!!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The only one you need to be concerned about is your husband because he's the one in a bind. Your his wife and at odds with his mother. Ain't the greatest situation for him to be in so talk about it with him.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> elizabethb- Here's the deal. While you "know" your MIL judged you and gossiped behind your back, your MIL has written proof of you speaking of her in less-than-glowing terms.
> 
> In an ideal world, this wouldn't matter, because your husband would be able to separate the two of you in his head. In the real world, your husband is going to get to read those emails sooner or later, and when he wants to talk to you about it,
> 
> ...


This.

I still think OP your husband must voice some stronger input here. 

Also, who is to say he approves of your condemnation of his mother? Despite her being a ***** he may still love her very much. 

I'd just apologise to keep the peace/save face...some conflicts can only be managed not resolved totally.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

On the one hand no.

But while your opinions may very well be valid, this would p!ss me off if my wife did such a thing. It sounds like high maintenance and high drama all around. Most men do not want this.

So the mistake if there was one was not you having these opinions but you discussing them with the SIL at all.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Here's what I would do. I would let my husband see the e-mails and we would discuss a plan of action. If he was hurt by the things I said, I would apologize to him. My relationship with my husband would be ( and in reality is) the only thing I would worry about. Cause for us there is no pleasing my MIL, but my man is my world.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

jld said:


> Definitely show your dh the e-mails. Transparency in marriage is very important, I think.
> 
> If the family is upset, how about just being honest and saying, "Hey, why don't we talk about what SIL and I said?" A conversation like that could be the beginning of a truly healthy family, a family that faces conflict head on.
> 
> ...


How the MIL runs her family is not the OP's business. ALL parents have favourites, it is as is. Most likely the MIL would throw a fit because she'd get irate that somebody is messing with how her family runs....


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Heavy sigh. I'd apologize. I'd eat that damn crow and swallow down every last bite.

Why? Cuz I shoulda known better. I, personally, made a bad situation worse. I created drama for my husband, who doesn't need his wife and his mother plus siblings at war with each other. What ever my SIL's intentions, made ME out to be uncaring, insensitive and a big *****.

That's not who I am.

I can, and will, fix this. Humility is a trait I can afford to have. I offended my mother-in-law. Although I'm not that choked up about it, I cannot allow the situation to spiral out of control any longer. I am better than that.

To Thyne Own Self Be True...


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

"my good sister in law accidentally left her email inbox opened and my other sister in law read all of our conversations."

This was NOT a public expression of opinion. What the HELL gave her the right to read those emails? 

I stand by my first response.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Wow, the blatant invasion of privacy is incredible. That aside, you put down in black and white all the evidence required to hang you. Very silly. I hope you learn from that.

I think you should show your DH all the emails. He may as well see it from you before the rest of the family shove it under his nose.

As for the apology. It won't really make much of a difference, but you have hurt MIL and whether you spoke the truth or not, your words have hurt someone. For that hurt I think you should apologise. "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I said, I never intended for anyone to be hurt by them." If that's the truth, state it. It takes great courage to apologise when you've done something wrong or caused pain to another; not many people can/will actually do it.

If she accepts your apology, that's great, if not, that's her choice.

I'm in a situation at the moment where my own MIL was incredibly nasty to me. It hurt me a great deal but I would never ask and certainly not demand an apology. Why? Because she is incapable of understanding that she has done anything wrong. She has a complete lack of empathy or ability to self analyse. I see her as a black hole sucking the life out of everyone around her. At least they don't feel this way about you.


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