# Husband cheating



## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

I have been married for 47 years. I am 65 and my husband is 66. He is having an affair with our neighbor. (we live in the country but she lives on the property next to ours.) He says he loves me and wants to stay married to me, but he loves her too and will not stop seeing her. He is expecting me to accept this. 

The affair started when I was away from home trying to get my mother settled in assisted living and emptying and selling her house. He said they were good friends and helped each other do things and it just happened. 

She is not more attractive than I am but is a few years younger and is physically strong. We are both overwieght. My husband is still attracted to me physically and treats me sooo good except for this. But I feel like I am losing my mind especially when he goes to visit her.

I am trying to work out the marriage because I love him and because we have children and grandchildren and we have been through a lot together in 47 years


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

First off look up the "180." Follow it to a tee. The longer you let them get away with it the harder it will be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Expose the affair to everyone, especially your children. Also file for D, ASAP. Nothing breaks up an affair like exposure and the threat of D.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

what is the 180?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

180 stands for turning around 180 degrees and turning your back on your husband. Do not interact with him beyond essential communication (finances, children's needs). You show him you don't need him in your life and can move on without him.

What are your goals? Get OW to leave him alone? Do you want to stay with him? Divorce? Has he ever done anything like this before in your 40+ years together?

Are either of you still working? Retired? Expose the affair to your family - embarrass him and the Other woman (OW). Exposure serves to get others to act as your advocate to get him to cut off all contact with her. There is a website called cheaterville.com where you can post the OW and/or your husband affair, to embarrass and expose them. Any other neighbors in the area you speak to? Let them know that Mrs. Jones down the road is a home wrecker. 

Can you go stay with any of your children for a while? Let's see him survive the day to day cooking, cleaning, day to day stuff by himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

DO NOT accept this. I can't imagine how tough this is for you given how long you've been together but you can't allow him to turn you into a doormat. Some others here have already recommended reading "the 180." Do it. For your own sake please do it.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Expose the affair to everyone, especially your children. Also file for D, ASAP. Nothing breaks up an affair like exposure and the threat of D.


He has already said that if I leave him he will never have any contact with me again. Our daughters (45 and 32) know about it but he does not know they know.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> 180 stands for turning around 180 degrees and turning your back on your husband. Do not interact with him beyond essential communication (finances, children's needs). You show him you don't need him in your life and can move on without him.
> 
> What are your goals? Get OW to leave him alone? Do you want to stay with him? Divorce? Has he ever done anything like this before in your 40+ years together?
> 
> ...


I want to stay with him and I want him to end the affair. We are both retired. If I did what you suggest he would never forgive me. I don't see the point of talking about this to others. Yes I can stay with my children. Do I want to? NO. He already does most of the cooking cleaning etc.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Married47 said:


> He has already said that if I leave him he will never have any contact with me again. Our daughters (45 and 32) know about it but he does not know they know.


So he is making YOU the bad guy, holding you emotionally hostage. Let me translate what he said for you:

"If you do not allow me to continue to f--k Mrs. Jones, I won't speak with you ever again." How ridiculously unacceptable. Call his bluff. Why would he give up his entire family of 47 years for this piece of trash?

Have you confronted her yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you are here, this is something you should read

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

File for divorce. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> He has already said that if I leave him he will never have any contact with me again. Our daughters (45 and 32) know about it but he does not know they know.


What was their response?

Just saying "they know" really isn't that informative.

Are they supporting a monogamous marriage, or are they supporting his infidelity?

If they insist on staying out of it, then they support his infidelity.

Make sure they know that.

Spouses have disputes, even at age 65. But infidelity is not a dispute. Your husband is not "fighting fair" so to speak.

Until the affair is over, and OW is GONE, your husband's behavior is not a fair way for him to resolve disputes he may have with you or the marriage.

Your daughters need to know this.

If your husband wants to leave, he can leave. The daughters have no say in that.

If your husband wants to lie, cheat, and disrespect you, the daughters DO have a say in THAT.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> 180 stands for turning around 180 degrees and turning your back on your husband. Do not interact with him beyond essential communication (finances, children's needs). You show him you don't need him in your life and can move on without him.


Note, this is not the Michele Davis 180 which is a completely different interpretation.

What is meant here is to simply shut your husband down. No marital interaction anymore until this is resolved.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Allen_A said:


> If they insist on staying out of it, then they support his infidelity.
> 
> Make sure they know that.


I don't think that's fair to them. If people want to stay out of other people's marriages, then it doesn't mean they support one side.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If your husband can live without everseeing you again, then he does not love you. Is he bluffing? He may not know himself, does he want to go to the trouble of divorce? It is expensive.

Go to the gym and train hard. This will help you sleep better. Do not do his laundry anymore. Do not cook meals for him. Do not do his dishes. Do not have sex with him.

Tell him you understand he is in love. Tell him to enjoy his life with her if that willmake him happy.

If you feel ready, start dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I don't think that's fair to them. If people want to stay out of other people's marriages, then it doesn't mean they support one side.


YES, it does.

When the conflict is so one-sided as infidelity is, yes, it does mean they support one side.

This is a no-brainer decision they have to make.

No-brainer.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> If you feel ready, start dating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


'
'
Good Lord.

Do NOT do this.

Do NOT bring a SECOND intruder into this marriage.

PLEASE m47 do NOT follow this ridiculous advice.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> So he is making YOU the bad guy, holding you emotionally hostage. Let me translate what he said for you:
> 
> "If you do not allow me to continue to f--k Mrs. Jones, I won't speak with you ever again." How ridiculously unacceptable. Call his bluff. Why would he give up his entire family of 47 years for this piece of trash?
> 
> ...


He says that he loves her just like he loves me. she is a good person. He does not think of her as trash. And to tell you the truth, when I thought that myself I suddenly had to face the fact that I had a brief affari 30 years ago when we were having trouble before. He says that if he stopped the affair he will not go anywhere with me except to visit our kids not even to church. 

No I have not confronted her, but she knows I know. supposedly she knows he loves me and is still having sex with me, but she doesn't bring it up to him like I do about her. I know I know. I have a right to say something, I am his wife, but he doesn't see it that way. And a lot of the time when I bring it up, he throws up the fact that I had an affair. By the way, he did not know about my affair until I found out about his.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> File for divorce. Now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and not try to work on the marriage?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> and not try to work on the marriage?


You cannot work on a marriage when there is a third party involved.

You won't make an ounce of headway under those abusive conditions. It will just make you ILL.

You have pressed him to exit her out of the marriage, and he refused right?

So, you exit the marriage.

He MAY end his affair before you get out of there, but you HAVE to start the ball rolling. And you HAVE to mean it.

You cannot "fake exit" in an attempt to bluff him into ending his affair.

That will NOT work.

You start packing and contact a lawyer.

If he does not end his affair before you are out that door, that's it.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> What was their response?
> 
> Just saying "they know" really isn't that informative.
> 
> ...



Our daughters completely support me. They cannot believe that he is doing this and if I leave him they both want me to live with them. They do not support infidelity. But they understand that for a lot of reasons I want to work it out. 

He is not saying that he is resolving our disputes by having an affair. They were friends, it just happened. Did you understand that she lives next door. 

the only time he has threatened to leave is when I confront him about being so hurt that I don't know how to deal with it. He says he doesn't want to leave me. He loves me, but he will leave if I will be happier.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Married47 said:


> and not try to work on the marriage?


You work on your marriage by being ready to walk away if will not end the affair.

The person who wants the relationship less has more power. Right now your husband believes that he is the bee's knees and that your are afraid of losing him.

If you tell him that you love him and are ready to set him free, then the shoe will be on the other foot. He will face being the dumpee. He is not ready for this. No one ever is if they have been married for such a long time.

No MC without ending the affair.

That is why you can tell your husband that you marriage is over. If you separate (even living in the same house) and start a live without him, he may be shocked.

Is your husband healthy? He is not suffering any symptoms of dementia or anything?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> He says that he loves her just like he loves me. she is a good person. He does not think of her as trash.


And that is just him leading you on.

She is NOT a good person, she is intruding into a marriage.

Her behavior is trashy. SHE may have been a good person BEFORE she chose to intrude into a marriage. But right NOW, she's trash.



Married47 said:


> And to tell you the truth, when I thought that myself I suddenly had to face the fact that I had a brief affair 30 years ago when we were having trouble before.


And the third party you got involved with was intruding then, and was trash at that time.



Married47 said:


> He says that if he stopped the affair he will not go anywhere with me except to visit our kids not even to church.


STOP listening to his threats and other nonsense.

You cannot "talk" him into ending an affair. You take ACTION which may inspire him to end his nonsense, or you sit there and let him passive aggressively beat you into the ground.



Married47 said:


> No I have not confronted her, but she knows I know.


Don't bother. it won't help.



Married47 said:


> Supposedly she knows he loves me and is still having sex with me


I certainly hope you are NOT having sex with this man anymore. He's just USING YOU.

END that. Do you want to get whatever diseases OW may be carrying around?



Married47 said:


> , but she doesn't bring it up to him like I do about her.


This is all from your husband right? STOP collecting intel from your husband. He is a KNOWN LIAR and a CHEAT. His information is NOT reliable.



Married47 said:


> I know I know. I have a right to say something, I am his wife, but he doesn't see it that way.


He is going to "see it" in whatever way is convenient for him.

He may "see it" differently once you start packing and file for a divorce. They usually do.



Married47 said:


> And a lot of the time when I bring it up, he throws up the fact that I had an affair. By the way, he did not know about my affair until I found out about his.


STOP arguing with him, stop talking with him, stop negotiating with him.

You cannot fix this by arguing, fighting, begging, guilting, negotiating, or any other kind of chit chat.

So.... YOU decided THIS is the time for you to bring up YOUR cheating of thirty years ago? Really?

Why not just roll out the welcome mat for him to keep cheating then?

Sorry my dear, but that was a really really foolish thing to do.

You do NOT point the finger at YOU when your spouse is CHEATING OPENING with another woman.

THAT is something you keep to yourself until the THIRD PARTY is GONE.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> If your husband can live without everseeing you again, then he does not love you. Is he bluffing? He may not know himself, does he want to go to the trouble of divorce? It is expensive.
> 
> Go to the gym and train hard. This will help you sleep better. Do not do his laundry anymore. Do not cook meals for him. Do not do his dishes. Do not have sex with him.
> 
> ...


I m 65. I can not train hard. He already does his laundry and sometimes mine. He does most of the cooking and cleaning and all of the yard work. What you don't know is I have been nebglectful of him in the past and he has been very good to me.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> Our daughters completely support me. They cannot believe that he is doing this and if I leave him they both want me to live with them. They do not support infidelity. But they understand that for a lot of reasons I want to work it out.


Then go stay with them until he comes to his senses. THEN YOU get to decide if YOU want HIM back.

EXIT the home and get away from this abusive man. 

You cannot "work out" a marriage while there is a third party intruding into it.

Sorry, that is when you EXIT the home until the third party is gone.

Once the third party is gone, THEN you two MAY negotiate on a level field together.

Right now, it's not a level negotiating field. It's an abusive, one-sided situation. You EXIT those situations.

If you decide to give HIM a chance after she's gone, that is something you negotiate AFTER she's gone.



Married47 said:


> He is not saying that he is resolving our disputes by having an affair. They were friends, it just happened. Did you understand that she lives next door.


STOP listening to his drivel and excuses.

He IS resolving disputes with his affair. It is a TERRIBLE way to resolve differences with your spouse, but people do that just the same. Some drink, some do drugs, some engage in infidelity with their neighbor. He is using her and the two of them are pressuring YOU to ACCEPT their behavior.

You wouldn't let your children bully you like this would you? Then you don't tolerate it from adults either.

Affairs do not "just happen." Sorry, they dont'.

He CHOSE to get involved with her.

Yes, she lives next door which is even WORSE.

Sorry, but he's just bullying you until the affair is OVER. He is USING her to add pressure to YOU. He won't admit that, he won't say that. Do NOT even BOTHER trying to talk to him about that.

He is GANGING UP with OW to BEAT YOU DOWN. And by the sounds of it, it's working.

STOP making excuses for him.

He IS using the affair as a weapon, he may not ADMIT that, but that is effectively what IS happening.

You cannot negotiate until he puts the knives away.. do you get what I am saying?

Negotiations do NOT work until the THREATS are ELIMINATED.

That's just basic negotiation requirements.

You cannot negotiate a marriage when someone is holding a knife at your throat.

And that IS what those two are effectively doing.

Once the affair is over, and the knife is out of the way, THEN you and he can talk.

NOT until then.



Married47 said:


> the only time he has threatened to leave is when I confront him about being so hurt that I don't know how to deal with it. He says he doesn't want to leave me. He loves me, but he will leave if I will be happier.


He IS threatening you with OW. She IS a THREAT ALREADY.

You need to STOP listening to his WORDS, and listen to what he's DOING.

He is THREATENING your MARRIAGE.

SHE is threating your marriage.

He is threatening your HOME

SHE is threatening your HOME.

You have been married for how long and they are BOTH threatening to END ALL YOUR YEARS of INVESTMENT here.

This IS a threat. He may not SAY it is, but it IS a THREAT.

STOP listening to what this ******* SAYS. He will SAY whatever he needs to say to keep the affair AND you on a LEASH.

You are both DOGS on a SHORT LEASH.

And when you listen to him you are letting him TUG on the CHAIN.

STOP it.

a. pack
b. move to your daughters home
c. refuse to contact your husband until the affair is over
d. if your husband wants to say ANYTHING to you he has to go through your two daughters

ONCE your husband owns his behavior and ENDS the AFFAIR, THEN you MIGHT decide to move back in and resolve the marriage or reconcile.

YOU need to EXIT the home until he does that.

YOU need to STOP talking to your husband and listening to his BS stories and excuses.

He will SPIN you like a toy and play you like a piano for as LONG as YOU ALLOW IT.

So.. STOP ALLOWING it by EXITING the HOME.

SHOW him you are serious about not tolerating this behavior.

You need to EXIT that situation, it's abusive. You EXIT until the abuse stops and you two are on even footing again.

OW has to be GONE.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married47 said:


> I m 65. I can not train hard. He already does his laundry and sometimes mine. He does most of the cooking and cleaning and all of the yard work. What you don't know is I have been nebglectful of him in the past and he has been very good to me.


Alright, you had some problems in your marriage. It's all stuff that can be worked on in marriage counseling _after_ he dumps her and recommits. There is no reason to even start working on your other issues as long as there is an interloper in your marriage. If you can't get rid of her then there's nothing else to talk about.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> I m 65. I can not train hard. He already does his laundry and sometimes mine. He does most of the cooking and cleaning and all of the yard work. What you don't know is I have been nebglectful of him in the past and he has been very good to me.


That does NOT justify infidelity. Sorry.

Neglect is NOT an excuse to bring an INTRUDER into the MARRIAGE.

EXIT the HOME.

Until OW is GONE, you stay AWAY from him and the home.

I really don't think you understand how serious this is m47.

Your marriage can recover from neglect, it may not survive infidelity.

And there is a right way and a wrong way to respond to marital neglect.

If your husband wants out of the marriage (which is what he is communicating with his ACTIONS) then there is a right way and a wrong way to do that.

He can treat your 47 years together with the dignity they deserve or he can step on you as he sneaks out the back door.

EXIT the home.

YOU are in a great place since you have somewhere to go, and your children are grown adults.

GO there, get their support until your husband chooses to negotiate like an adult.

IF he does.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Married,

Stop talking to him about this.

Do the 180
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Understanding the 180

Call a lawyer and have him served divorce papers.

At this point the repercussions for his actions will become a reality for him and you'll take back some of the power he has taken from you.

In your position and listening to your story I have to say I don't like your chances for reconciliation.

He seems to be "done" with your marriage and at your ages after such a long relationship I'm not liking the odds.
This is no mid-life crisis or cry for attention.
She is meeting some need in him that you aren't and after such a long time he's unlikely to believe anything will change.

However, the divorce papers in his hand may lead him to realize he has a lot to lose financially.

If he cares this it may bring him to actually discuss his motivation for seeking out emotional validation from another woman and if it does you will know how to begin to work on the relationship. 

Also, the disdain of his children will be a large motivating factor and while they seem not to want to get involved right now those divorce papers might motivate them to discuss this with their father as well.

Edit:

I need to say he may just sign them and move in with the OW.
Be prepared for that BUT it is the best possible outcome if it happens.
You cannot bear to share him and he will accept no other outcome.
If this is the case divorce will happen eventually.
You may as well get it done so you can move on quickly.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Allen_A said:


> Your marriage can recover from neglect, it may not survive infidelity.


It can just as well be destroyed by neglect.



> He can treat your 47 years together with the dignity they deserve or he can step on you as he sneaks out the back door.


He's not sneaking out the back door, he's going right out the front fully informing her of his intent.

This fact makes this infidelity even more dangerous than most.
He isn't threatening, blaming, hiding, or lying about anything.
He acts as if he truly does not care one way or the other.

This is not the typical infidelity we see around here and needs to be handled differently if there is to be a chance of reconciliation.



> EXIT the home.


This would be foolish.
OP, do not leave your home.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tacoma said:


> This is not the typical infidelity we see around here and needs to be handled differently if there is to be a chance of reconciliation.


This isn't the common infidelity where reconciliation is an option. If the spouse having the affair acts in this way, I fear there is no hope for reconciliation. Divorce is the only option here.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WhiteRaven said:


> This isn't the common infidelity where reconciliation is an option. If the spouse having the affair acts in this way, I fear there is no hope for reconciliation. Divorce is the only option here.


That's how I see it.

If she makes the moves I advised she'll know for sure, quicker than if she waits.

Either way it gets her out of limbo and moving on with her life


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tacoma said:


> That's how I see it.
> 
> If she makes the moves I advised she'll know for sure, quicker than if she waits.
> 
> Either way it gets her out of limbo and moving on with her life


Agreed. You have one life. It's your responsibility to make it worth living.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

tacoma said:


> It can just as well be destroyed by neglect.


No, not just as well, sorry.

Neglect is at least a choice she would have. She can neglect her husband, and allow her marriage to disintegrate, or she can repair it.

Infidelity, a third party intruder gives you zero choice anymore. You are nearly powerless over the state of your home.




tacoma said:


> He's not sneaking out the back door, he's going right out the front fully informing her of his intent.


Yes, he is sneaking out the back door.

By sneaking out the back door I mean he is not making an orderly and dignified exit from the marriage.

His behavior is atrocious. This is not a dignified and orderly exit. This is blatant abuse in my opinion.

You missed my analogy by a landslide.




tacoma said:


> This fact makes this infidelity even more dangerous than most.


No, not really. She at least knows he's cheating. There's not nearly as much detective work required with this one.



tacoma said:


> He isn't threatening, blaming, hiding, or lying about anything.


Those two cheaters ARE threatening the marriage in ACTION.

And yes he IS blaming her.

He has taken no ownership of his infidelity, nor has he stopped or even offered to stop.

He was clearly lying early on. These things don't happen overnight.

He was deceiving, and I would suspect he's lying to both women to some degree even still.

By the sounds of it he's offering them both false hope while he plays one off against the other.

It's a sick twisted game for him.



tacoma said:


> He acts as if he truly does not care one way or the other.


Who cares how he feels. He's abusing a woman he's known for 47 years. That's just disgusting.



tacoma said:


> This is not the typical infidelity we see around here and needs to be handled differently if there is to be a chance of reconciliation.


Right, so let's call a spade a spade and not misinform the OP into thinking this guy is doing the dignified thing. He's not and we both know it.

He's lying (I refuse to believe he's been 100% honest with her about what is happening on the affair side), he's manipulating, he's excusing, he's he's abusing. That's not the behavior of a front door exit.

He's got two women and he's stringing them both along with lies, manipulation, and toxic indirect competition.

These two women think they have to "win" this guy over somehow. It's pathetic.



tacoma said:


> This would be foolish.
> OP, do not leave your home.


Unless there is a legal fallout to her getting away from this man for a couple weeks while the law gets involved I say get away from that creep.

Get out of your home and away from that kind of abuse.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Unless there is a legal fallout to her getting away from this man for a couple weeks while the law gets involved I say get away from that creep.
> 
> Get out of your home and away from that kind of abuse.


I agree, but not until she has consulted with a lawyer.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Allen_A said:


> No, not just as well, sorry.
> Neglect is at least a choice she would have. She can neglect her husband, and allow her marriage to disintegrate, or she can repair it.
> 
> Infidelity, a third party intruder gives you zero choice anymore. You are nearly powerless over the state of your home.


Not at all, this website is evidence a BS has power.
Every bit of advice given here is geared towards getting and focusing that power.

It is often successful.



> Yes, he is sneaking out the back door.


Nope, he has told her up front what he's doing and that she can't stop him.

He's overtly disrespecting her to her face.
He is not sneaking anywhere nor does it seem he's hiding anything.



> By sneaking out the back door I mean he is not making an orderly and dignified exit from the marriage.


He doesn't want to leave the marriage (Have you read the OP?)
He wants his wife and his lover too.
This fact is the one very slim chance she has to get him back. 



> You missed my analogy by a landslide.


Not at all, it was a bad analogy and you should feel bad.



> No, not really. She at least knows he's cheating. There's not nearly as much detective work required with this one.


Talk about missing the point



> He has taken no ownership of his infidelity, nor has he stopped or even offered to stop.


he has owned it completely, well beyond what any cheater I've ever read about on this site.
He admits it, hell he overtly leaves his wife to go sex up the OW.

He most definitely owns it, he even sounds proud of it.



> He was clearly lying early on. These things don't happen overnight.


Yes, and once outed he doesn't care.
To miss this extremely rare attitude is to miss the entire perspective of the OP.



> He was deceiving, and I would suspect he's lying to both women to some degree even still.


I doubt it, he seems to be hiding nothing he basically informs his wife when he's leaving to go see his girlfriend.
What's to lie about?



> Right, so let's call a spade a spade and not misinform the OP into thinking this guy is doing the dignified thing. He's not and we both know it.


Please tell me where I even implied such a thing.
Read for comprehension, strawman.



> These two women think they have to "win" this guy over somehow. It's pathetic.


Yes and he's done it while both are aware of each others existence.
You seem to be missing the gravity of this point but it is the key to the entire affair.

OP, do not leave your home.
Serve him divorce papers.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Nope, he has told her up front what he's doing and that she can't stop him.


Right, a known liar and cheat, and his information is completely reliable?

Not at chance.



tacoma said:


> He's overtly disrespecting her to her face.
> He is not sneaking anywhere nor does it seem he's hiding anything.


Right, YOU know he's not doing anything else she hasn't found out about yet? You hired a Private Investigator did you?

Her husband's a known liar and cheat.

Everything he does now is suspect.

_There is absolutely NO reason for this woman to believe anything this guy says or does. And she has every reason to suspect there is more she does not know about._



tacoma said:


> He doesn't want to leave the marriage (Have you read the OP?)
> He wants his wife and his lover too.
> This fact is the one very slim chance she has to get him back.


"lover?" What a disrespectful word to use for a third party martial intruder. YOU should feel bad.




tacoma said:


> Not at all, it was a bad analogy and you should feel bad.


Right... I should feel bad because you can't understand what the difference between "back door" and "front door" means analagously?

If the guy exits the marriage while respecting his wife (or prompts HER to file while respecting her) that means FRONT DOOR.

If he DISRESPECTS her, that means BACK DOOR.

Got it?



tacoma said:


> Talk about missing the point


Yup, you missed the point completely.



tacoma said:


> he has owned it completely, well beyond what any cheater I've ever read about on this site.
> He admits it, hell he overtly leaves his wife to go sex up the OW.


Wow. You really don't know what ownership means either?

OK... here we go.

OWN means HE takes accountability for, and does what's necessary to correct the problem.

THIS guy, is NOT owning anything. He's not admitting or owning any problem at all. THIS guy wont' even ACKNOWLEDGE there IS a problem.

NOT acknowledging the problem is blatant avoidance of ownership.

Got it?



tacoma said:


> He most definitely owns it, he even sounds proud of it.


Being proud of disrespect, does not indicate ownership. It indicates an absence of emotional intelligence.

Owning, means he does what he can to resolve the problem.

This guy is not owning, he's avoiding and deflecting.





tacoma said:


> I doubt it, he seems to be hiding nothing he basically informs his wife when he's leaving to go see his girlfriend.
> What's to lie about?


A known liar is hiding nothing?

Right. That's probably the most gullible thing I have ever heard.

A known liar is "informing [his] wife?" Sure I believe that.

NOT.

And again... "girlfriend?" Really disrespectful word to use for a third party intruder. YOU should feel bad.

He could lie about any number of other things. He may already be discussing his divorce plans and promising OW he will file any day now. While at the same time promising his wife he has no intention to end the marriage.

You really can't be this gullible can you? Do you have any idea how cliche this situation is? Do you have any idea how likely it is that this guy is playing them BOTH and lying to them BOTH?

How long have you been here and you think this poster should take her lying, cheating husband's info at face value? 

Wow

You have been here how long and you think she should trust that nothing else is going on she does not know about?

Good Lord.



tacoma said:


> Yes and he's done it while both are aware of each others existence.


Eventually yes. There no doubt were secrets kept from this poor wife at some point.

You cant' cheat without deception. It does not work that way.

This guy is lying about something. They ALL LIE.



tacoma said:


> You seem to be missing the gravity of this point but it is the key to the entire affair.


And you seem to be shockingly naive and gullible about cheaters and their propensity for deception.



tacoma said:


> OP, do not leave your home.
> Serve him divorce papers.


Get OUT of the home and THEN serve him. Assuming there is no legal fall out for you to get a SAFE DISTANCE from this abuse FRIST.

Don't file on this creep while you still share a home with him.

Leave unless there is a legal fallout for doing so.

Lawyer up, and if you can, get OUT of there and away from this abuse.

Don't be naive and gullible enough to think you are fully informed on what this disrespectful person is doing behind your back.

He is probably promising OW the world and playing you just the same. He may have even consulted a lawyer himself already.

You probably don't know the half of it yet.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Are you both retired?


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

tacoma said:


> It can just as well be destroyed by neglect.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I do not know what OP is. I checked to list and it is not on there


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

yes


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

OP is you.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

I cannot believe this. I asked for help in dealing with an emotional tragedy in my life and all of you are just arguing with each other about what my husband and the other woman are trying to do. And what his motives are and all kinds of stuff. This is not what I need. You cannot tell me flat out to leave, file for divorce, or anything because you don't know me or my husband and you don't know our history. You don't know what having his children know about this would do to him. I wish I had not come on this site. It is very destructive.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Were you expecting folks here to condone what he is doing?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married47 said:


> I cannot believe this. I asked for help in dealing with an emotional tragedy in my life and all of you are just arguing with each other about what my husband and the other woman are trying to do. And what his motives are and all kinds of stuff. This is not what I need. *You cannot tell me flat out to leave, file for divorce, or anything because you don't know me or my husband and you don't know our history.* You don't know what having his children know about this would do to him. I wish I had not come on this site. It is very destructive.


Yes we can.

Do you want to break up the affair? The advice we're giving you, swift hard consequences for his actions, is your best chance for that. If you don't care about him sleeping with the neighbor then continue doing nothing about it and it will continue.

What reason does he have to stop shtupping the neighbor? Because you're sad? You're not doing anything about it, so your sadness is your problem. He's got what he wants, you at home to take care of logistics and some strange on the side whenever he wants.

Until you set him up with an either/or situation rather than his current cake eating situation you can expect no changes.

Also, divorce is a process, not an event, so if you follow the advice and find that it's not effective you can always back down and just accept the cheating.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Yes we can.
> 
> Do you want to break up the affair? The advice we're giving you, swift hard consequences for his actions, is your best chance for that. If you don't care about him sleeping with the neighbor then continue doing nothing about it and it will continue.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I couldn't have said it better myself.

OP wants a risk free, problem free, solution in a neat little bow.

It does not work like that.

Infidelity is a problem that escalates in severity if not dealt with swift and hard.

OP, this guy is not respecting your 47 years together. You can rant if you want to, but he isn't' going to hear you or respect you or your 47 years until you put your foot down.

Myself and other posters may disagree on some of the specifics, but we all agree you need to file for divorce to shake him up, and show him you aren't going to tolerate his disrespect. No one here has challenged that suggestion at all. I agree wholeheartedly with Tacoma on this point. It is THE point of the matter in fact. FILE for DIVORCE. START the PROCESS.

I don't think you ought to be in the same home as him when you do that, but some here think that it may be a legal issue for you to change residences. That part is MINOR. That part can be sorted out with a quick visit to a lawyer.

We all agree you need to file and put your foot down. This is not some tragic love story. This woman has infested your marriage and your home. She is not going to go away until you stand up for yourself. In fact, this will get increasingly worse until you start asserting yourself with this abusive man. Sorry, but overtly bringing a third party into a 47 year long marriage without consent is abusive. Start the divorce process to shake him up. If he wakes up before the divorce is final, then you may decide to negotiate a reconciliation. You won't even know if he's worth reconciling with until you file and start that process.

I do feel for you. Believe me I do. But your 47 years together is not going to fix this. You accepting BLAME is not going to fix this (you are not to blame for his or her disrespect right now). You admitting an affair thirty years ago is not going to fix this either. The only way to have a chance of stopping this is to assert yourself as a member of a monogamous marriage. He's changed the rules on you, and didn't consult you. They have hung a kick me sign on your back. You can tear it off and assert yourself or you can be upset.

Asserting yourself by filing for divorce may end the affair, if it doesn't, he's in your rear view mirror and you are best rid of him.



Married47 said:


> You don't know what having his children know about this would do to him.


What does this mean? According to your earlier post your daughters already are informed on his and her disrespect.

I assume you mean you don't want your husband learning that your daughters are already privy to his disrespect and abuse?

He chooses the behavior, he gets the consequences along with it.

You cannot protect an abuser and expect that to end abuse. Do you know what enabling is???

You OUT abuse in order to STOP it. You need to stop enabling him.

You cannot work on a marriage with a third party intruding into it. You start the divorce process and shake him up.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

As it now stands you have no power to make any of it change. He has everything he wants, you, her, his own home, stability, everything will stay the same unless you do something.

If you are not happy you have to make a change, at least in you, for yourself. I personally would not leave my own home but, if it is intolerable and I had someplace to go, as in your case you do, I might do that for a while. 

Definitely cut off the sex and expose him to everyone. Usually APs don't want their boat rocked, older people especially want to keep their dignity and not be portrayed as a philanderer. You had an affair so, yes, he will try and use that against you, but your affair ended and he has no plans to end his.

Nothing will change if you don't change it and often, it's changing how YOU react, that starts the other changes. See a lawyer about starting divorce procedures and start the process. It can always be stopped if he comes around, if not, you can proceed and know you tried, but as of now he has all the power.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I feel really bad for her. 47 years together and her husband threats her this way. Unfortunately there is no easy solution to infidelity. 

"You can't nice your way out of it" we always say. There are no magic words that will snap him out of it, no special meals or romantic activities that will make a spouse end an affair.

A betrayed spouse can let the affair run it's course. That could take years. No thank you. Besides when they tire of each other what is to prevent him from looking further down the street?

The quickest way to get a spouse to give up an affair is to file for divorce. He needs to say to himself "Holy sh!t what the f--k am I doing??? I am about to throw away a 47 year marriage! She's going to leave me! I must be out of my mind!!"

Just because divorce is filed, doesn't make it official. You start the ball rolling, is all. Give him a wake up call. 

I hope you return to this site. The advise can be frightening and overwhelming. Everyone here means well though.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

PamJ said:


> As it now stands you have no power to make any of it change. He has everything he wants, you, her, his own home, stability, everything will stay the same unless you do something.
> 
> If you are not happy you have to make a change, at least in you, for yourself. I personally would not leave my own home but, if it is intolerable and I had someplace to go, as in your case you do, I might do that for a while.
> 
> ...


our daughters know about my past affair. They also know that I am VERY sorry I did what I did. I was very vulnerable, and He took advantage of that. Made me feel loved when I didn't feel it at home. But for them to know about HIM doing this to me would end any family life that we would have in the future. The only time any of us are willing for him to know they know is if I decide to leave him. Then they will have plenty to say to him. If I am to save the marriage I don't want to destroy the joy we have with our children and grandchildren.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I feel really bad for her. 47 years together and her husband threats her this way. Unfortunately there is no easy solution to infidelity.
> 
> "You can't nice your way out of it" we always say. There are no magic words that will snap him out of it, no special meals or romantic activities that will make a spouse end an affair.
> 
> ...


You may mean well, but you don't know all the facts of our life and you seem to not realize that I am 65 years old. Startiing over is not an option. Do I want to live with my kids for the rest of my life? You forget also that I love him. I know that you all think he is scum but you don't know any thing about him. Or me. Or her. I came on this site thinking that I could get support for COPING WITH INFIDELITY, not how to end my marriage. I want to SAVE my marriage and I don't think that filing for divorce is the way to do that. And I am an intelligent person, and not the naive idiot that most of you believe me to be


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

DarkHoly said:


> DO NOT accept this. I can't imagine how tough this is for you given how long you've been together but you can't allow him to turn you into a doormat. Some others here have already recommended reading "the 180." Do it. For your own sake please do it.


what does "you know who I am" mean?


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You work on your marriage by being ready to walk away if will not end the affair.
> 
> The person who wants the relationship less has more power. Right now your husband believes that he is the bee's knees and that your are afraid of losing him.
> 
> ...


He has had some heart problems and blood pressure problems. He does not have dementia, but he could be crazy.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married47 said:


> You may mean well, but you don't know all the facts of our life and you seem to not realize that I am 65 years old. Startiing over is not an option.


Why? Clearly he can find someone else to spend the rest of his life with, what makes you think you can't?



Married47 said:


> Do I want to live with my kids for the rest of my life? You forget also that *I love him.*


Irrelevant unless you're willing to accept his philandering ways and just look the other way.



Married47 said:


> I know that you all think he is scum but you don't know any thing about him. Or me. Or her. I came on this site thinking that I could get support for COPING WITH INFIDELITY, not how to end my marriage. I want to SAVE my marriage and *I don't think that filing for divorce is the way to do that.* And I am an intelligent person, and not the naive idiot that most of you believe me to be


Unfortunately you're wrong. Filing for divorce is the best way to save your marriage. It may seem counter intuitive but it's true. Until he faces losing you he has no reason to change.

This is the advice you're going to get here. The posters here see affair after affair, day in and day out, and have found that trying to nice the wayward spouse out of the affair has the least chance of success while swift, harsh consequences for continuing the affair has the best chance for success.

Shirley is still a little confused about what your daughters know. If they don't know about his affair but do know about yours why this?



Married47 said:


> Our daughters completely support me. They cannot believe that he is doing this and if I leave him they both want me to live with them. They do not support infidelity. But they understand that for a lot of reasons I want to work it out.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Married47 said:


> You may mean well, but you don't know all the facts of our life and you seem to not realize that I am 65 years old. Startiing over is not an option. Do I want to live with my kids for the rest of my life? You forget also that I love him. I know that you all think he is scum but you don't know any thing about him. Or me. Or her. I came on this site thinking that I could get support for COPING WITH INFIDELITY, not how to end my marriage. I want to SAVE my marriage and I don't think that filing for divorce is the way to do that. And I am an intelligent person, and not the naive idiot that most of you believe me to be


A lot of people here are still angry and hurting from being cheated on and recommend to everybody who has been cheated on that they should immediately divorce regardless of the circumstance.

Don't take it personally. You have half a century invested in this marriage. I understand your reluctance to end it. You need to really make a strong effort to impress upon him how this makes you feel. He clearly doesn't get it. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what the correct path to take is. You know better than us what is best for you. And you've had a marriage for 47 years so clearly you know your husband better than us. Try to appeal to the side of him that has compassion for all that you have been through together.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Married47,

Don't get in a huff. No one wants to see you fail. Just the opposite. Our aim is toughen you up so that you succeed.

Relationships can turn into a power struggle from time to time. The cheater is seizing a disproportionate amount of authority over the betrayed spouse. You must accept the pain of his infidelity or end your marriage – according to him. So it should not come as a surprize that you have to match the same hard card that he has played.

Your husband in all likelihood cannot imagine life without you. So you must help him to feel what it would be like. Only then will his empathy for you awaken.

He feels that he is enriching the lives of two women. Have you asked him how he would feel if you began to see other men?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I've been trying to be as respectful as I can. I do realize your age, as my posts suggests the fact that he did this to you after 47 years of marriage is heartbreaking.

My post suggested you FILE for divorce, not necessarily go through with it if he changes his ways. It was meant as a wake up call to him.

I'm not sure what you expect to hear. So far, you have met everyone's advice with hostility. You have asked him to not see the other woman any more. He outright refused. So your options are to live with it as the new status quo, or leave him. I'm not sure what other options are available to you. 

Good luck with your situation.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You work on your marriage by being ready to walk away if will not end the affair.
> 
> The person who wants the relationship less has more power. Right now your husband believes that he is the bee's knees and that your are afraid of losing him.
> 
> ...


And I am ready to end the marriage if he doesn't end the affair, but I am not wanting to make him do it. I want him to choose it. Ending the marriage is a last resort for me. In the meantime I am working on myself not just to try to save the marriage, but because if I leave I need to be in better physical shape. I do not look my age but I am overweight and do not get around as well as I would be able to if I lost weight. I have already lost 25 lbs but I need to lose at least 50 more. This weight loss is not due to the affair by the way. I was already losing when I found out about it. He is very supportive of me about it and as I have stated, he does almost all of the cooking and is very interested in helping me eat the way I should. But he has also told me that my weight does not matter to him except he wants me to be healthy. But he says he loves me no matter what my weight is. 

But as I said I am preparing for leaving if and when I have to. I am saving up money in a separate account. Thing is we do not have a lot of disposable income even though our retirement is a lot better than average. But I do have a way to do this and could have several thousand saved up if I wait a bit. In the meantime I am losing weight, improving my bad habits and waiting to see if he will end the affair on his own. Leaving him to force his hand is not an option for me because if I do that, there will be no turning back. Again, I am not the dim wit that most of you think I am. Besides, I do not want him if he doesn't come to the conclusion that I am the only one he wants.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Married47 said:


> our daughters know about my past affair. They also know that I am VERY sorry I did what I did. I was very vulnerable, and He took advantage of that. Made me feel loved when I didn't feel it at home. But for them to know about HIM doing this to me would end any family life that we would have in the future. The only time any of us are willing for him to know they know is if I decide to leave him. Then they will have plenty to say to him. If I am to save the marriage I don't want to destroy the joy we have with our children and grandchildren.


How did your husband feel about your A? Did he get over the betrayal?


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## IPoH (Jul 31, 2012)

No one is calling you dim. You have to consider his side, think about it, you are waiting for him to choose you when he absolutely doesn't have to make ANY choice. You have made it clear to him that you are okay with him screwing the neighbor and you. Geez, why not invite her over for dinner too? 

This is what everyone is trying to get you to see, he's not going to choose you OR her because he doesn't have to, he can have both. Because why would anyone choose to have cake or pie when they can have both and it's okay? 

You think that by not filing for divorce you are being there for when he makes the choice on his own, but you are showing him that he doesn't have to make any choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> How did your husband feel about your A? Did he get over the betrayal?


Not really. He doesn't believe the things I say about it.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Married47 said:


> Not really. He doesn't believe the things I say about it.


Did he really have a reason to believe you?


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

IPoH said:


> No one is calling you dim. You have to consider his side, think about it, you are waiting for him to choose you when he absolutely doesn't have to make ANY choice. You have made it clear to him that you are okay with him screwing the neighbor and you. Geez, why not invite her over for dinner too?
> 
> This is what everyone is trying to get you to see, he's not going to choose you OR her because he doesn't have to, he can have both. Because why would anyone choose to have cake or pie when they can have both and it's okay?
> 
> ...


One might choose to have cake or pie when they can have both if they know that having both is not good for them. My husband knows that it is not ok with me for him to have sex with both of us, and he does have sex with her every time he goes to see her. He has blood pressure problems and his blood pressure medicine makes it difficult for him to do so very often. He is having sex with me just about every day or night. He had sex with her 2 weeks ago. That is what upset night before last because I asked him and he admitted it. I had been hoping that he hadn't at all of course.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I cannot believe this. I asked for help in dealing with an emotional tragedy in my life and all of you are just arguing with each other about what my husband and the other woman are trying to do. And what his motives are and all kinds of stuff. This is not what I need. You cannot tell me flat out to leave, file for divorce, or anything because you don't know me or my husband and you don't know our history. You don't know what having his children know about this would do to him. I wish I had not come on this site. It is very destructive.>>

I know it may seem this way, but the people here have heard it all before, many times over, and they DO know what they are talking about.

I had the same reaction when I came here and was told I should file for divorce. I thought wait a minute! after one post? You don't know us, how can you say that? But, the truth is, unless the WS knows he can lose you, nothing will change. It took me finally realizing that I could not change him and make him do what I wanted to. I basically was ready to call it quits, I was numb. I had been married 32 years and did not want to start over anywhere else, with anyone else, but I knew I could not deal with it any more.

He knew, since it was his 3rd time, and I had said we would divorce if it happened again after the 2nd time, he was going to lose me. He made a vow that if I gave him one more chance he would never do this again or hurt me again in any way like this. That was one year ago March 20. So far he has held true to his word, but it took knowing he was losing me to get there. This is what people are trying to tell you.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Married47 said:


> our daughters know about my past affair. They also know that I am VERY sorry I did what I did. *I was very vulnerable, and He took advantage of that. * Made me feel loved when I didn't feel it at home. But for them to know about HIM doing this to me would end any family life that we would have in the future. The only time any of us are willing for him to know they know is if I decide to leave him. Then they will have plenty to say to him. If I am to save the marriage I don't want to destroy the joy we have with our children and grandchildren.


Did the OM rape you? If not, why are you blaming only him? Also how many lies did you tell your husband? I am asking this question you said he never believed anything you said. Also why did he still stay married to you? If you aren't willing to answer these questions, you still aren't understanding that you murdered a part of your husband.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> One might choose to have cake or pie when they can have both if they know that having both is not good for them. My husband knows that it is not ok with me for him to have sex with both of us, and he does have sex with her every time he goes to see her. He has blood pressure problems and his blood pressure medicine makes it difficult for him to do so very often. He is having sex with me just about every day or night. He had sex with her 2 weeks ago. That is what upset night before last because I asked him and he admitted it. I had been hoping that he hadn't at all of course.


You are assuming you know when he's having sex with her?

You think he isn't lying? Think again.

You would be shocked to find out how many lies he's gotten away with you don't know about yet.

Why does everyone who arrives here with an affair think they are the worlds greatest detective?

My dear, short of hiring a private investigator, you dont' have the full story. And you sadly are kidding yourself if you think you do.

If you continue to have sex with him he will increasingly lose respect for you, for your marriage, and for your life together.

Men and women will not respect a spouse that tolerates their infidelity.

He may have sex with you, he may say he loves you, but he will not and does not respect you.

Keep having sex with him and you can kiss your marriage good-bye.

You cannot sex a man into ending an affair. Sorry, he's just using you and OW as long as you both allow him to use you both.

One of you two women is going to have to find some self-respect and say enough is enough.

But you both sound terrified of losing this bum.

No one is saying he's a monster.

What we are saying is :

a. his behavior is atrocious
b. his disrespect will increasingly continue
c. if you enable this behavior you are feeding the affair a lifeline (including having sex with a cheater)

d. start the divorce process, this forces him to make a choice

YOU wont be choosing, HE is choosing when you start the divorce process.

Many here, including myself, find that to be rather silly for you to expect him to choose between you two when he obviously does not deserve either of you.

But.. if you want him to choose, you have to start the divorce process to force him to do so. That is the quickest and most powerful impetus to press him to make a choice.

You cannot sex him into ending an affair. That does not work. That's 101 curriculum for infidelity treatment - NO SEX


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

WhiteRaven said:


> Did the OM rape you? If not, why are you blaming only him? Also how many lies did you tell your husband? I am asking this question you said he never believed anything you said. Also why did he still stay married to you? If you aren't willing to answer these questions, you still aren't understanding that you murdered a part of your husband.


We are also assuming a currently cheating husband with an unfaithful wife for the last thirty years has been faithful to her for all that time until now.

I am finding that increasingly hard to believe.

Particularly with OP so confident she's got 100% intel on her husband's wereabouts for the last thirty years.

This may be his 12th affair as far as we know.

Given his current behavior and the free pass she's given him I would not be at all surprised if he's been cheating on her before and this is the first time he got caught.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> And that is just him leading you on.
> 
> She is NOT a good person, she is intruding into a marriage.
> 
> ...


Sorry you feel that way, I can see your point, but what you don't know is that I am a Christian. God has told us that He will not forgive us if we do not forgive others. I find it very easy to forgive others because I always and able to realize that "there but for the grace of God goes I." In other words whatever sin someone commits, I know I am capable of doing the same thing even if I haven't. I have already forgiven him and even her. Doesn't mean I like it, accept it or condone it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Doesn't mean I won't leave when I have had enough. 

Telling him about my affair was letting him know that I could forgive him and why. And also I have felt really guilty all of these years. I know you think it is giving him the ok to cheat, but he already was. 

I will know when it is time to leave, but until then...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

People here are sharing with you some very hard truths.

You are in a bad spot. You and your daughters are under the mistaken impression that he may come around, and that for now you can talk amongst yourselves about his affair without letting him know they know - so you can preserve family harmony. Sorry, that's just wrong. This is just allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.

You need to at least stop having sex with him. You do know that older adults can have STD's too, don't you?

And when people talk about filing for divorce, they don't mean necessarily following through with the divorce - filing alone can wake up/shake up an unfaithful spouse. I understand you don't even want to talk to a lawyer to get information about it to "call his bluff" but please keep that option in mind as one to consider. Right now he has no reason to stop - he does have all the power, as you so far have refused to use any leverage at all.

Most people in affairs are in "La La Land" - they don't think straight. So don't assume he will use reason any time soon. That's wishful thinking. With no pressure from you or your daughters, this could go on for years. If you can live with that, then do nothing different. When we talk about "coping" with infidelity, that doesn't just mean venting with understanding people who have been down this road and perhaps seeking counseling - it always means the betrayed spouse DOES something different because if we don't take charge of our lives in some way, we become victims.

You have to DO something. Or at least start contemplating some of the options that are available to you. Weight loss and taking care of your physical self is always good, but that's not enough - you were doing that before his affair, so it's not going to shake things up. You need to understand that YOU must do something very different now if you truly want him to end this affair. 

His daughters letting him know that they know, and are ashamed of him, would be a good start. Exposure helps to kill affairs. Shining light on these things makes the ugliness more apparent, even to the wayward who isn't in his right mind. Please consider this option. 

Best of luck to you. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

No one thinks you are dumb or dim.

What kills affairs?

His life without having an affair has to be better than his life is with having an affair. And yes, you have to make his life better without the affair. Actions must be taken by you.

Here are things that can make life bad while in an affair:
-- No access to his children and grandchildren
-- Losing 1/2 his money or worrying about losing half his money.
-- Losing his wife and whatever you bring into his life
-- Being too embarrassed to talk to his kids and grandchildren
-- His girlfiend's family, friends assocaites putting pressure on her not to be a home wrecker

You have options, but affairs are like rats. They must be killed.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Married47,
> 
> Don't get in a huff. No one wants to see you fail. Just the opposite. Our aim is toughen you up so that you succeed.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have asked him that. He said that he wouldn't like that, but if that is what I want to do...


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

WhiteRaven said:


> Did the OM rape you? If not, why are you blaming only him? Also how many lies did you tell your husband? I am asking this question you said he never believed anything you said. Also why did he still stay married to you? If you aren't willing to answer these questions, you still aren't understanding that you murdered a part of your husband.


<Deleted my original post because the OP is also a WS>

-OP had an affair 30 yrs ago
-OP rugswept the affair for 30 yrs
-OP disclosed her affair to counter her DH's affair

We have three cheaters in a triangle, and the OP wants to assert her position. The only strategy here is to hard 180, file and pray. Expose all you want, there is no moral high ground here.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Married47 said:


> One might choose to have cake or pie when they can have both if they know that having both is not good for them. *My husband knows that it is not ok with me for him to have sex with both of us,* and he does have sex with her every time he goes to see her. He has blood pressure problems and his blood pressure medicine makes it difficult for him to do so very often. He is having sex with me just about every day or night. He had sex with her 2 weeks ago. That is what upset night before last because I asked him and he admitted it. I had been hoping that he hadn't at all of course.


Think about this for a moment. He knows you are not okay with it, yet he is doing it anyway. He knew you would not be okay with it, which is why he hid it in the first place.

So to sum it up, he knows it is wrong, but he continues on. Why do you think him thinking about it more will cause him to stop this behavior, particularly since your actions (which include having sex with him every night) indicate that you are not that upset.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So basically, if he can have his cake and eat it too, he's content to keep both women on the hook. He must be quite the stud-muffin to keep two relationships going! 

But if push comes to shove, you know which one he'll chose... So you're avoiding forcing him to make a decision to see if he gets bored or tired of her. People here are trying to help, that's all. They've seen people in your situation before. Nobody thinks your dim or stupid. But they have seen that "nicing" someone out of an affair rarely works well, and it usually costs the betrayed spouse their self-respect. They've also seen that typically, the best response is obtained by blowing up the affair (exposure), and forcing the spouse to face reality. 

Nobody else has to live your life, though. You'll have to decide what you want to do. I agree with the rest... Your best chance of snapping your husband out of his affair fog is to blow it up and get him to face reality. That means filing for divorce, even if you don't go through with it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Married47 said:


> Not really. He doesn't believe the things I say about it.


Yes. Because I ended the affair when we started to work things out and he made me feel he cared.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> Sorry you feel that way, I can see your point, but what you don't know is that I am a Christian. God has told us that He will not forgive us if we do not forgive others.


Practicing Christianity does not mean you enable abuse.

Lots of Christians know well the difference and do not tolerate or allow their spouse to continually abuse them.

Christians know the difference.

I also find it interesting that you decide to be a Christian NOW, after thirty years of silence.. NOW when he's cheating you suddenly decide to inform him you cheated?

Where was your Christian practice when you were extorting better behavior out of him by cheating on him?

Sorry, that just makes no sense.

This sounds like a religion of convenience.

You dont' enable abuse in your spouse. Sorry, Christians know the difference.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> Yes. Because I ended the affair when we started to work things out and he made me feel he cared.


OK, so you extorted better behavior out of him with an abusive affair.

And now he's doing you one better by hitting you after 47 years with one of his own.

As was said before, there is no moral high ground here.

M47 you really have to get the idea out of your head that infidelity is a problem solving strategy.

Infidelity is not a problem solving strategy. Infidelity is not a cure-all for a bad marriage.

Infidelity is a toxic behavior that makes your home worse, not better.

If your marriage improved after your affair, your marriage improved not because of your cheating, but despite your cheating.

And your thirty year old affair, from what I am reading, has finally come home to roost.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married47 said:


> Sorry you feel that way, I can see your point, but what you don't know is that I am a Christian. God has told us that He will not forgive us if we do not forgive others. I find it very easy to forgive others because I always and able to realize that "there but for the grace of God goes I." In other words whatever sin someone commits, I know I am capable of doing the same thing even if I haven't. I have already forgiven him and even her. Doesn't mean I like it, accept it or condone it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Doesn't mean I won't leave when I have had enough.
> 
> Telling him about my affair was letting him know that I could forgive him and why. And also I have felt really guilty all of these years. I know you think it is giving him the ok to cheat, but he already was.
> 
> I will know when it is time to leave, but until then...


Are you a recent convert to Christianity? I ask for 3 reasons: First, adultery is clearly given as the only valid reason for divorce in the bible. Second, you incorrectly claim the only unforgivable sin is to not forgive others, and third you've admitted to cheating on your husband and lying about it for 30 years.

I think you're using Christianity as an excuse, and you're not doing it very well. 

I think I'm wasting my time trying to help you so I'm going to withdraw from this thread. Shirley may look in from time to time though.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Think about this for a moment. He knows you are not okay with it, yet he is doing it anyway. He knew you would not be okay with it, which is why he hid it in the first place.
> 
> So to sum it up, he knows it is wrong, but he continues on. Why do you think him thinking about it more will cause him to stop this behavior, particularly since your actions (which include having sex with him every night) indicate that you are not that upset.


oh he knows I am upset. He knows it hurts me. AS I said before, he will end the affair but he won't like it and he will refuse to do anything with me except see our children. I want to give it a chance to end on its own. If it does not I will leave. I will know when I have had enough.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> oh he knows I am upset. He knows it hurts me. AS I said before, he will end the affair but he won't like it and he will refuse to do anything with me except see our children. I want to give it a chance to end on its own. If it does not I will leave. I will know when I have had enough.


And there is over 50 years of combined experience on this forum warning you that this will escalate. This will not get better, it will get worse.

You cannot "love" infidelity away, you cannot sex infidelity away.

Most of us tried it just like you, and every one of us failed to yield the results you are expecting.

I suspect you are comparing your affair to his.

THIS affair NOW is OVERT. He knows you know about it.

This is a completely different animal.

Best of luck. I am with other posters. You come here asking for advice, and reject it outright, despite every single person here warning you your chosen strategy has a track record of zero success.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Hicks said:


> No one thinks you are dumb or dim.
> 
> What kills affairs?
> 
> ...


I will only do this if I do not want him any more. Not to try to stop the affair.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Did the OM rape you? If not, why are you blaming only him? Also how many lies did you tell your husband? I am asking this question you said he never believed anything you said. Also why did he still stay married to you? If you aren't willing to answer these questions, you still aren't understanding that you murdered a part of your husband.


He did not know about it until after I found out about his affair. But now that I have told him he does not believe that I stopped it because I chose him over the OM. I does not believe that I did not enjoy the sex (I really did not... mostly because of guilt) When the OM wanted us to run away together I broke it off because I wanted my family.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> I will only do this if I do not want him any more. Not to try to stop the affair.


And that's exactly what will happen.

He will continue to cheat on you, and your respect for HIM.. what's left of it at this point.. will erode.

You start the divorce process to accomplish a few things :'

a. assert yourself
b. press him to recognize he can't have both of you
c. preserve your respect for him
d. protect yourself from ongoing abuse
e. respect yourself, your marriage, and your children

starting the divorce process accomplishes all of this.

NOT doing so just makes marital termination far more likely.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's full into magical thinking now; he expect you become just part of his harem and treatens you to be sure he get this. HE's colder the nyou think, he's taking logistic decisions.
If you don't take the same aproach you will lose.

To be honest I'd never consider reconciling with this kind of blatant disrespect but if you want a chance then you are taking exactly the wrong aproach.

If you believe that sharing him is better than losing him well... it's your choice.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> OK, so you extorted better behavior out of him with an abusive affair.
> 
> And now he's doing you one better by hitting you after 47 years with one of his own.
> 
> ...


Again he did not know about my affair until about a month ago. And I did not use my affair to get my husband to change. The OM knew about the problem I was having with my spouse and that I didn't feel loved. He saw to it that I felt loved and he was really good at that. I thought I loved him and I was in the fog you describe. But I came to my senses and ended it.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

I did not expose my affair to counter his. In another post I explained that it had to do with forgiveness.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Married47 said:


> I will only do this if I do not want him any more. Not to try to stop the affair.


What would be the point? To be unncessarily vindictive?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> Again he did not know about my affair until about a month ago.


Yes, I get that. And your point?

It really doesn't matter if he knew you committed infidelity not. He's overtly disrespecting you, and you enable it.

The only difference, is that you sharing your infidelity of 30 years ago just handed him a free pass to do as he pleases with impunity and ZERO GUILT.

You just handed him a free ticket.



Married47 said:


> And I did not use my affair to get my husband to change.


Yes you did. They all do. They neglect their spouse, lie, sneak around, and when the husband notices all the distant behavior they naively "work on the marriage".

And you naively ended your affair, but kept it a secret rather than being honest with your husband about YOUR bad behavior.

Your husband's neglect thirty years ago does not in away way legitimize your infidelity towards the marriage. It does not work that way.

And now, this has come back to bite you in the behind.

You weren't honest with him then, which might have improved things for both of you if you had.

Secrets don't just go away, they fester like mold.



Married47 said:


> The OM knew about the problem I was having with my spouse


Right, because you violated not only the sexual exclusivity of your marriage, but the intimate details of your marital problems as well.

Almost every cheating spouse violates the marriage by sharing private details of the marriage. That's the emotional component of infidelity.

Then he offers sex as some ridiculous and creepy solution to your marital problems.

And you bought his toxicity as "love." Now it's coming back to bite you.



Married47 said:


> and that I didn't feel loved. He saw to it that I felt loved


Uh no. He INTRUDED into a marriage, just like OW is doing to you NOW.

He wasn't loving you. He was USING YOU. And you STILL believe your infidelity was some fairy tale romance rather than just some sleazy behavior that you ought to be ashamed of.

We call that the Walt Disney affair.

Sorry my dear. OM was not loving you. He was using you like a John uses a prostitute. You just happened to be giving the milk away for free.



Married47 said:


> and he was really good at that.


Oh ya, I don't doubt it. It's really easy to be charming for a couple hours a week, particularly with a very gullible and romance-fixated female.

You didn't pick up after OM when he is sick, or deal with him not putting the seat on the toilet down, or any other of the daily challenges that happen with living together for 47 years. You two just played house in secret. And you call that love? Sorry, that's called toxic.

Is that what you think OW is offering your husband right now? You call that sweaty sleazy behavior "love?"

I call it toxic.

Love exists between equals. Honest, respectful, equals.

What you and OM did thirty years ago, and what your husband and OW are doing now, is just a sleazy silhouette of romantic love. He and OW are deluded into thinking their Walt Disney lifestyle will never end.

And you buy into it just as bad... even to this day.

You won't sell that fairy tale here. Everyone here is educated enough to know better.



Married47 said:


> I thought I loved him and I was in the fog you describe. But I came to my senses and ended it.


You were infatuated with him.

_Love is built, under the same roof, over many many years facing one adversity after another as a couple.

Love is not built overnight, in the back of a car, in secret. That's just scandal and sleaze.
_

Well, your husband isn't likely to come to his senses as you sort of did. _You didn't' come to your senses enough to be honest with him thirty years ago_. Sorry to break the news to you.

You know about his infidelity, probably one of the most powerful pressures to end an affair short of divorce, and he just flips you off and goes next door to party.

Sorry, but what you did thirty years ago, and what he's doing to you now are very different in that way... he is a lot worse.

Since his behavior is much much worse, you can't logically expect the same response as yours from him.

But here you are hoping he will repeat the gesture.

He won't.

Sorry, but he won't.

Not until you assert yourself by starting the divorce process.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I just read through this pretty fast but here is my two cents:

Your husband is in a fog alright - and here is his fog:

1. He does not love you (at this time) and is only with you because of financial reasons. 

2. He is enjoying the relationship with the other woman. She satisfies him. I have no way of know if he loves her - but my guess is that he does not - it's just good sex and he has developed an emotional bond with this other woman. But believe me, this bond will never give him complete fulfillment until it is just him and the other woman. So I hate to tell you - but you better be ready for the big dump because I think it is coming fast.

3. He is about as far away from you emotionally than he has ever been. How do I know this? Because the main perk of a monogamous relationship is the ultimate closeness that exists between the two partners - with no one else in the picture. As soon as a male (or woman) has more than one partner - it is impossible to experience that special closeness.

You keep going the way you’re going by living in denial of what is happing before your eyes - OR, you do what others here have advised and beat him to the punch - because as soon as you do - you are going to know everything you need to know about your future with your husband. – and actually might wake him up from his FOG before the irreversible damage is done. 

I actually think you understand this but are too afraid to face it - so you continue to live in denial.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Obviously no one is really reading what I am saying. Everyone is calling my husband scum, and making accusations against me without knowing anything at all about me. Including that I am not really a Christian. I realize that having an affair is not Christian behavior, but I repented and ask for forgiveness from God. I also wanted forgiveness from my husband. So I told him. I chose that time to tell him because I felt like he wouldn't leave me for cheating on him since he had done it to me also. I had always wanted to but I was afraid.

Yes I want to work things out with my husband because he is worth fighting for. If I can say that right in the middle of him cheating on me then you better believe it. He is a good man who is making a mistake. He is not scum. And neither am I.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> I did not expose my affair to counter his. In another post I explained that it had to do with forgiveness.


No, you were trying to extort cooperation out of him.

You were desperate, and thought honesty in desperation might turn him around.

Anyone here would have told you bad idea.

Stop trying to romanticize and legitimize your behavior.

You told him about your infidelity thirty years ago in order to prompt him to stop his infidelity now. Your outing yourself recently after so many years had nothing to do with forgiveness. You were trying to manipulate him. Any fool can see that.


No one here will buy that story, and your husband won't either.

You cannot do any of the following to end an affair ; 

a. sex
b. beg
c. grovel
d. manipulate
e. extort
f. guilt
h. coax

i. Assert yourself - by starting the divorce process

That is the one strategy that has proven to work.. sometimes.

You may have known your husband for over 47 years, but there is well over 50 years of infidelity education and experience on this forum warning you that your strategy and conceptions do not improve your situation.

Good luck.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

You are wrong on all counts. I am sorry I came here. I am ending this thread. I don't know how to do that so I will quit coming to this site. 

I can't believe how you can judge everyone's motives when you done know what is really happening.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> Everyone is calling my husband scum, and making accusations against me without knowing anything at all about me. Including that I am not really a Christian. I realize that having an affair is not Christian behavior, but I repented and ask for forgiveness from God. I also wanted forgiveness from my husband.


His behavior is atrocious is what everyone is saying. You are as Christian as your behavior is. That's all anyone is...

And you may have asked God for forgiveness in SECRET, but for THIRTY YEARS you LIED to your HUSBAND. That is NOT a repentant WIFE. Sorry. That is a dishonest wife.

Cheating, and then lying about that for thirty years is not particularly Christian no.



Married47 said:


> So I told him.


THIRTY YEARS LATER, in a blatant attempt to extort his cooperation.



Married47 said:


> I chose that time to tell him because I felt like he wouldn't leave me for cheating on him since he had done it to me also.


Uh no.. you LIED for thirty years. HE did not do THAT, to YOU.

Post after post you sidestep this fact.

You lied to this man for THIRTY YEARS.



Married47 said:


> I had always wanted to but I was afraid.


More manipulation. You kept your secrets in order to manipulate him to stay with you. You suspected he may leave, so you lied to keep him married to you.

And now thirty years later you tell him the truth in a desperate attempt to do the same thing.

Do you honestly think experienced infidelity support forum members are going to believe that after thirty years of deception you chose to out your infidelity to your husband as an act of love and forgiveness?

You outed yourself as a blatant attempt to extort him to end his affair.

Unfortunately that strategy backfired. Anyone here could have told you it would have backfired.



Married47 said:


> Yes I want to work things out with my husband because he is worth fighting for.


And you fight by starting the divorce process.



Married47 said:


> If I can say that right in the middle of him cheating on me then you better believe it. He is a good man who is making a mistake. He is not scum. And neither am I.


I don't think anyone here said you were scum. You really need to read posts carefully. We are passing pearls here. You just keep spitting them out.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sounds like you were run over by the karma bus................


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Married47 said:


> You are wrong on all counts. I am sorry I came here. I am ending this thread. I don't know how to do that so I will quit coming to this site.
> 
> I can't believe how you can judge everyone's motives when you done know what is really happening.


No need. A few of us here have already left. I will be joining them. You don't want to hear the advice that has been almost unanimously offered.

Best of luck with your marriage.

Honestly I do hope things turn out well for you.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Did any one understand what kind of help she was looking for? She shot down all the advice you gave her.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Married47 said:


> And I am ready to end the marriage if he doesn't end the affair, but I am not wanting to make him do it. I want him to choose it. Ending the marriage is a last resort for me. In the meantime I am working on myself not just to try to save the marriage, but because if I leave I need to be in better physical shape. I do not look my age but I am overweight and do not get around as well as I would be able to if I lost weight. I have already lost 25 lbs but I need to lose at least 50 more. This weight loss is not due to the affair by the way. I was already losing when I found out about it. He is very supportive of me about it and as I have stated, he does almost all of the cooking and is very interested in helping me eat the way I should. But he has also told me that my weight does not matter to him except he wants me to be healthy. But he says he loves me no matter what my weight is.
> 
> But as I said I am preparing for leaving if and when I have to. I am saving up money in a separate account. Thing is we do not have a lot of disposable income even though our retirement is a lot better than average. But I do have a way to do this and could have several thousand saved up if I wait a bit. In the meantime I am losing weight, improving my bad habits and waiting to see if he will end the affair on his own. Leaving him to force his hand is not an option for me because if I do that, there will be no turning back. Again, I am not the dim wit that most of you think I am. Besides, I do not want him if he doesn't come to the conclusion that I am the only one he wants.


Dear Married47,

In case you're still reading your thread:

I'm sorry you're not getting the advice you need but, you have to admit, yours is a rather unique situation given on yours and your husband's ages, length of time together and previous experience with adultery.

I read your post above and it seems to me that what you plan to do makes sense for now. I agree that, given your present circumstances, your past conduct and your husband's current attitude, filing for divorce or leaving him would not be an appropriate response right now.

If I may, I would also suggest that you continue to let him know how much his affair is hurting you and I would urge you to seek support from your pastor and/or close Christian friends with whom you feel comfortable sharing what is happening. I presume you are praying for wisdom and strength and will also pray for you.

Basically, you have decided to adopt a "wait until he comes to his senses and returns to you" strategy. It may work if you can continue to deal with the pain that his affair is causing you. As you have said, you can always leave him if and when the pain becomes too much to bear.

Wishing you well.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I don't think she wanted advice, she just wanted a sounding board, a place where she can complain about the situation and everyone would pat her on the back virtually. She thinks that is what she wants/needs because she is afraid knowing what she really is facing and needs to do.
She has learned she came to the wrong place for that. People here want to really help with real advice, not hand-holding. There are plenty of places online to get others to sympathize with her and not force her to make real decisions and take any real action.

I don't care if you're 65 or not, you don't continue to have sex with someone who is doing that to you and hope for the best and it certainly isn't too old to make some positive plans for your own future and get a little exercise to clear your mind and make you feel better about yourself. She is acting like that is old, which makes me wonder...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This week's Tell It Like It Is Award goes to Allen_A. 

I hope she finds the comfort she is looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

That is a sad way to live and to think I used to think that way myself. Shame really.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

M47,

This is my first time posting in your thread. This hits really close to home for me because my Mom is exactly the same age as you and is going through the same thing. Well - not anymore; she recently left. 

It hurts me to see a woman like you disrespected and mistreated on so large a scale. You don't have to reply here but what would you tell one of your daughters if they were in your shoes? What do you think they want for you? They may not talk about it much but trust me, they want you to be happy and loved and respected. 

I hope you read this message, and I sincerely hope you get the outcome you desire. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

accidentally posted in the wrong place.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> M47,
> 
> This is my first time posting in your thread. This hits really close to home for me because my Mom is exactly the same age as you and is going through the same thing. Well - not anymore; she recently left.
> 
> ...


one of my daughters was in the same place as I am only worse. There was no way to work her marriage out because she was the wrong sex for him. SHe found out he was gay. And even she understands why I am staying to see what happens. And after she left even under the circumstances she wondered if she did the right thing because it was very painful and difficult as she has an adopted special needs child.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear Married47,
> 
> In case you're still reading your thread:
> 
> ...


I did come back on here just to see if anyone responded to my last 2 posts. You are the only one who seems to understand what we are going through. I did go to a counselor for a few weeks when I first found out about this and she also agreed that this is the best path to take. She said that I have a lot to lose by ending the marriage and agrees that I should try to work on it and see what he does. She says that each day I am making a decision about whether I want to stay or not. Everything else is great between us, better than ever. We talk more, he is very affectionate and wants to 
please me in every way except to stop seeing her. He does not like seeing me hurt. But he has not said he will stop.

Oh, and yes I am praying and my daughters and their husbands pray as well. I will not be telling our pastor and friends as I don't want them to think bad of him. I would only talk to someone who does not know us. If he repents he can decide what he wants to do about confessing his sin. But I will not tell anyone we know about this. I only told our daughters because I needed to be sure I had a place to go if I left.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

accidentally posted twice


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

101Abn said:


> Did any one understand what kind of help she was looking for? She shot down all the advice you gave her.


Yes because most of the things that posters said were not true about him or me. They jumped to their conclusions about things they know nothing about. If their opinions are off base, them so is their advice. I understand that they are all saying the same thing. I understand that they have experience. But even though my husband is having an affair he is not what they assume him to be, and he is not doing what they say he is doing.

Also I am not willing to give up my marriage until I have tried to save it. I don't want to wonder later "What if I had done differently."


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Married47 said:


> Yes because most of the things that posters said were not true about him or me. They jumped to their conclusions about things they know nothing about. If their opinions are off base, them so is their advice. I understand that they are all saying the same thing. I understand that they have experience. But even though my husband is having an affair he is not what they assume him to be, and he is not doing what they say he is doing.


Oh, and I did not com here asking for advice on what to do about my marriage. I know what to do about that. I wanted advice about how to deal with my emotions.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

.


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

The only advice I can give you regarding your emotions is to go see your doctor. Ask him to prescribe something for anxiety and to help you sleep. On a personal note, and I don't care how old you are or how long you have been married, you deserve better. Hopefully you will come to realize this one day. Good luck!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Married47 said:


> Oh, and I did not com here asking for advice on what to do about my marriage. I know what to do about that. I wanted advice about how to deal with my emotions.


My apologies, I thought you wanted your husband to stop screwing the neighbor.

It appears you're on the wrong site.

I believe this is what you're looking for.

alt.polyamory home page

Good luck!


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Ruining the affair and focusing on your health are the best ways to deal with your emotions.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

tacoma said:


> My apologies, I thought you wanted your husband to stop screwing the neighbor.
> 
> It appears you're on the wrong site.
> 
> ...


Really childish and uncalled for.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Apparently their are different interpretations of the word "coping". To some it seems to mean accepting and adjusting to something while to others the definition : "Coping ;
In psychology, coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict."
has us looking at the solving aspect, not the minimize stress aspect., although I postulate that the best way to reduce stress or conflict is to remove the cause of it, not just accept and deal with it.
I am almost 60 and I don't know anyone who is 65 who thinks they are too old to do anything positive for themselves or to settle for whatever situation they are currently in.
Whatever opinions people have here are based solely on what the posters have told us, as that is all the information we have.

I personally don't see how someone can say they love you while they are saying/doing that with someone else at the same time even though they know how much it hurts you. That is not love, that is self-important entitled behavior.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

Forgot to quote what this is in response to


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Have you asked that your husband take an STD test? Even if he tells you he used a condom, he still needs to get tested because you can't believe anything they say. If you don't think enough of yourself to not have sex with your husband when he is having sex with the OW, please have him get tested for your own health.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

LittleMiss13 said:


> The only advice I can give you regarding your emotions is to go see your doctor. Ask him to prescribe something for anxiety and to help you sleep. On a personal note, and I don't care how old you are or how long you have been married, you deserve better. Hopefully you will come to realize this one day. Good luck!


I already take effexor but I wondered if I need something else. My stomach stays tied up in knots most of the time. But I winder about taking two drugs


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I already take effexor but I wondered if I need something else. My stomach stays tied up in knots most of the time. But I winder about taking two drugs>>

The stomach tied up in knots thing is common. I lost 10 lbs during my FWH's first affair, 16 yrs ago. I couldn't eat much. 

That being said, I know pharmacology can take the edge off but the real solution to that problem is getting rid of the cause. No one here, as far as I know, is qualified to speak to the drug issue for you. You need to stop that which is making you feel this way. And for that you need to be able to think clearly.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are upset about a situation that you have every right to be upset about. In other words you are normal. You don't need pills for normal.

Your emotional state is telling you something. It's telling you that you have not yet come to terms with the decisions you have made. That's what you have to do. Accept that you are tolerating this. And by doing that you are accepting all the "good" in your life that you get out of marriage. What you also have to accept for your own sanity is that you have no control over what your husband will decide. You have to accept things as they are based on the "as is"... Hope this helps.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You are upset about a situation that you have every right to be upset about. In other words you are normal. You don't need pills for normal.
> 
> Your emotional state is telling you something. It's telling you that you have not yet come to terms with the decisions you have made. That's what you have to do. Accept that you are tolerating this. And by doing that you are accepting all the "good" in your life that you get out of marriage. What you also have to accept for your own sanity is that you have no control over what your husband will decide. You have to accept things as they are based on the "as is"... Hope this helps.


Excellent post, Hicks.

Married 47, you also have to accept that your strategy of trying to wait out your husband's affair may fail. So you should be preparing for that, just in case.

Previously, you said you were saving up some money in case you had to leave him. You should also be putting in place a support network of family and friends to help you if his cheating becomes too much for you to bear.

I understand that you don't want to "out" him but consider who you would turn to if things get worse and having a word with them to the effect, "My husband and I are having some problems right now. Please pray for us. I'm hoping thing works out but, if they don't, can I turn to you for emotional support?"

Also, even if you don't want to take medication to help you with your anxiety, as PamJ suggested, it would be a good idea to see you doctor for a check up. Severe emotional stress can wreak havoc on one's health.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> Excellent post, Hicks.
> 
> Married 47, you also have to accept that your strategy of trying to wait out your husband's affair may fail. So you should be preparing for that, just in case.
> 
> ...


You missed the part about my daughters being ready to take me in. I don't want that as a permanent solutution


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Married47 said:


> Oh, and I did not com here asking for advice on what to do about my marriage. I know what to do about that. I wanted advice about how to deal with my emotions.


I used alcohol for many, many years to help with my denial. It kept me from having to face the facts & hard decisions I didn't want to make.

It might not help you with your weight goals, though.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

JerryB said:


> I used alcohol for many, many years to help with my denial. It kept me from having to face the facts & hard decisions I didn't want to make.
> 
> It might not help you with your weight goals, though.


Doesn't sound like the solution for me, But I am curious. Did you mean you used alcohol to help sleep or to be drunk or what?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Married47 said:


> Doesn't sound like the solution for me, But I am curious. Did you mean you used alcohol to help sleep or to be drunk or what?


Jerry is implying that you are deluding yourself into believing you can deal with this emotionally without actually dealing with the affair.

I happen to agree with him.

He advocates drinking as a way to aid you in shoring up that delusion.(He's being sarcastic)

You are in this emotional state only because of the affair, you cannot get out of this emotional state unless you stop the affair or build so much resentment over it that in time you just won't care.

Not an outcome you want.

My earlier tongue in cheek post about polyamory is truly the only way to deal with what you have going on in an emotionally healthy manner and since you aren't polyamorous it won't work for you.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Excellent post, Hicks.
> 
> Married 47, you also have to accept that your strategy of trying to wait out your husband's affair may fail. So you should be preparing for that, just in case.
> 
> ...





Married47 said:


> *You missed the part about my daughters being ready to take me in.* I don't want that as a permanent solutution


Dear Married47,

My guess is that it is going to be quite a while before your husband comes to his senses and stops seeing the other woman (assuming he does). During that time, you will be under a lot of stress and you will need the support of others.

My suggestion that you have build a support network was not about where you would stay if you decide to leave your husband but about having emotional support to get through this. When terrible things happen to people, they need others to talk to who will listen, comfort them and help them. Depending on circumstances, this may be family members, close friends, spiritual advisers and/or professionals.

What I'm suggesting is that you make sure you have people to talk to who will help you so that you don't have to go it alone. You might also consider whether and at what point you might benefit from individual counseling.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Married47 said:


> I will not be telling our pastor and friends as I don't want them to think bad of him.



you mean you don't want them to know *the truth* about him. why would you protect him during this time when he is deliberately hurting you? 

no matter how much you insist we don't know him we do know that a) he's a cheater b) he's a cake eater c) he's manipulating you. that's enough to form some sort of not so positive opinion about him.

if my mother was being trashed like this by my father, one year from their 50th anniversary, i'd be doing whatever i could to help her get out of that deplorable situation. it would kill me to know she was standing by why her husband, my dad that i love through and through, disrespected her like that. it turns my stomach even thinking about it.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear Married47,
> What I'm suggesting is that you make sure you have people to talk to who will help you so that you don't have to go it alone. You might also consider whether and at what point you might benefit from individual counseling.


I went at first. Since she agreed with what I am doing she said I could just make appointments when I needed to and I have not gone back. It is over an hr drive each way and costs $100. I really don't have the money for that. I have found free councelling, over the phone but you can only do it twice. Which I will be talking to them tomorrow. Basically I am ok right now. Things are going well considering. We are loving and affectionate with each other and do things for each other. We do a lot more things together. This is a lot better than things used to be.


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## Married47 (Mar 23, 2014)

cool12 said:


> you mean you don't want them to know *the truth* about him. why would you protect him during this time when he is deliberately hurting you?
> 
> no matter how much you insist we don't know him we do know that a) he's a cheater b) he's a cake eater c) he's manipulating you. that's enough to form some sort of not so positive opinion about him.
> 
> if my mother was being trashed like this by my father, one year from their 50th anniversary, i'd be doing whatever i could to help her get out of that deplorable situation. it would kill me to know she was standing by why her husband, my dad that i love through and through, disrespected her like that. it turns my stomach even thinking about it.


Have you asked your mother how she would feel about it? I love my husband. I love him more that I did when we got married which is how it is supposed to be. He does love me no matter what all of you think. If your Mother and Father have been married for very long time, chances are they love each other. I mean I guess it isn't guaranteed, but most people don't stay married that long if they don't. Especially in this day and time.

Yes we have a problem, a very serious problem. ANd it is hurting me. But for right now I am able to endure. There are a lot of days he does not see her at all, and when he does it is not for very long. There are some VERY encouraging things going on right now. 

If and when there comes a time when I decide it is time to move on, I know what to do and how to do it. I will have help from my daughters and their husbands. I will have a little money set aside. I also can depend on my sister, but I really don't want to stay with her unless I have to. It is too far away from my kids, and I am not terribly comfortable there. But she is there for support as well.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

You are both living in darkness.

Why did you even come here if you aren't going to listen to anyone?

Ok listen to this then.

It's easy to keep the status quo so since it's easy do it.

Hey he only see's her to stick his d*** into someone else. He's not mowing her lawn, yet, so it's all good.

And apparently it doesn't take him very long after his d*** is inside her so _it's all good!_

Hey you were upset enough to find this place and typity type up your story but you come back here to yell at us and tell us all about how _not stupid_ you are because everything is _just fine._

It's all fine so why do you even come back?

I mean everything is fine right?

Oh hey my husband is gonna leave and f*** the neighbor! How very Christian of him! What a straight-and-narrow path! I think I'll knit him a sweater while he's shoving his c*** into the neighbor!

I know what to do! I'll tell him about me f****** another man and then stopping eventually after lying for DECADES because, you know, I'm a F****** Christian! And then he'll see that after you f*** someone else you can stop. As long as their c*** isn't still inside. Or yours inside of them!

Hey guess what every time I've had sex with someone after it's over then we aren't having sex anymore. Guess I'm a Christian!

But everything is fine because after he shoots his load he'll come home and cook me some dinner.

Wow.




Ok here's a real question. What do you want for the next ten or twenty years before you die?

Pray about that.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Before this turns into a yelling contest; I would like to offer some very brief and clear advice for you.

Married47; some posters ask you why you're here when you don't want to listen to the advice you're getting, and you seem to wonder why everyone tells you to divorce your husband when you clearly state that you're not going to.

My guess is that you've come here to find help dealing with some very unpleasant feelings. Generally when you feel uncomfortable, angry or sad about a situation, it's because you believe/think it should be different. So, you have two options:

1. Change the situation that causes the unpleasant feelings. Since you have no way of making your husband do anything, the only way to do this is to remove yourself from the situation. It seems that you're not ready to do this yet which leaves you with option 2.

2. Change your thoughts about the situation. What would happen if you had the belief that both your husband and you were supposed to have lovers on the side? You wouldn't think more of his neighbour visits than if he was going to pick up the newspaper.

Think hard about this, and you'll know it's really that simple.

For the record, I'm now 48, have been with my wife my entire adult life (30 years), we had what we both agreed was a very happy relationship, and yet she chose to betray me badly three years ago. Believe me when I say that I've struggled with this since. 

You may dismiss my thoughts and advice because I'm not in my sixties yet plus the fact that it's a short relationship compared to yours, but there it is anyway.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is literally the next door neighbor. Do you ever want to go and bang on the door when they are fornicating? Would that make you feel better?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> She is literally the next door neighbor. Do you ever want to go and bang on the door when they are fornicating? Would that make you feel better?


Who's the question for, and in which context?


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

cpacan said:


> Who's the question for, and in which context?


Huh? Obviously the OP.

I thought the same thing while reading this thread.
I would AT LEAST be mowing the next door's rose bushes down with the lawn mower. Oops! And spilling gasoline on their front yard while filling said mower. Dead grass, OOPS!. Maybe 15 pizzas delivered one night. OOPS! Turning on outside faucets and letting them run all day/night. OOPS. Ringing the doorbell at 2 am, and saying, "here's your piece of mail that was accidentally put in my mail box." Oh, were you asleep, OOPS! I find it hard to sleep lately because my husband IS CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME WH0RE!
3 a.m... door bell ringing... "May I borrow a cup of sugar?"
Oh were you asleep? OOPS! Guess I've become a nervous eater ever since my husband started CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME WH0RE!

I certainly wouldn't make it comfortable being my neighbor. Hopefully she'd want to move.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Yes, maybe so, but OP isn't looking for advice on how to make it stop - she's here to learn how to cope with the feelings associated with the adultry.


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