# Wife having an EA..



## disappointed123

My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype. 

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since. 

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

-


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## disappointed123

p.s. sorry for the novel.


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## Almostrecovered

disappointed123 said:


> p.s. sorry for the novel.



about average for the course as far first posts about infidelity goes, will read and respond when I can


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## Sparkles422

Well, I went through similar with X and his EA. I was divorced last week. X went nuts on me, literally. Dyeing his moustache, buying a motorcycle, texting like a madman. He was a madman. Lost his mind and was in the fog.

I would crack everything and anything. There is no need for you to lose your mind because the cheater will lie lie lie and why should you doubt your sanity for that selfishness?

I cracked his cell phone and called the number and confirmed the name of the person he was texting and calling. You know, he still lied about it up to our divorce of last week. Still pretending it was a figment of my imagination. Selfish, selfish.

Sometimes life is difficult and I know I know we learn from pain but I could do without some of it.

Good luck and verify.


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## disappointed123

I already know his full name.. She said he is married and he is over 20 years her senior.. She even used the 'He is really old and married, thats just gross' line with me. The reason I posted this today is because yesterday she accused me of looking at her email again. Honestly, if there was nothing going on - why would she be so paranoid? I asked her that, and she just said that she didnt want to feel like she was being watched all the time. I just think that she feels that its not cheating if they are just 'penpals'. I dont feel super threatened by the guy since he is so far away - but she has the chance to possibly work with him again in the future, and I dont like thinking about all those fantasies I read about in her mail to come true one day.. I particularly didnt like the 'I wish I could have come and visited you in your hotel room' blah blah blah... Its driving me crazy. Im going to ask her when I get home today if I could see her email. If she declines, I will know.
-


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## Almostrecovered

time to nip this affair in the bud

as long as she has the safety and luxury of a marriage and also continue the affair with perks she wants she will never do what you need to get past this and heal

she is in what we call an affair fog

you have more than enough proof

let her know that her privacy has now become null and void or else you file for divorce

she needs to agree to the following-

1) NO CONTACT. also send a no contact email to the OM
if the OM contects her, she must ignore it and tell you right away
2) complete transparency- take the password off the phone or give up all passwords, skype accts, facebook, email, etc etc
she must allow you to snoop to your hearts content to verify everything she tells you
3) she must answer and all questions you have about the affair truthfully and show true remorse


I know divorce sounds harsh but either you get her out of the fog and have her do the things that you need to heal and work on the marriage in an open and honest way with communication or else you have a non-willing participant and the marriage is doomed to fail anyways


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## sigma1299

I guarantee they are still in contact - beyond a shadow of a doubt. There is no such thing as "staying friends" with your affair partner. I told my wife this same bull sh!t after D Day - I believed it at the time but now I know what an utter crock it really is. They can't do it even if they really wanted to and it's unfair to you. 

I'm not sure I'd crack her email but rather demand that she give full access and transparency voluntarily. If she does I'd still install key logger software and do everything else I could to verify it was dead, if she doesn't I'd tell her to go pack. I like the idea of cc'ing you on the no contact email - that's text book for the betrayed spouse to end the affair. These things are very hard to kill. Until she wants to give it up she will continue to resist and fight you on killing it. Even when she does want to give it up, it will still be hard - it is very much like a drug.


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## Sparkles422

You have been betrayed emotionally. It is called an emotional affair. She has invited another person into your marriage and marriage is two NOT three.

You will continue to rationalize because the truth, of which you know very well, is too painful. 

Think of it this way, if you saw this in a movie or read it in a book what would you really think? That is what is happening to you.

Trust is very important and you no longer trust with very good reason. Talk to her about this, demand that she stop this EA NOW if she loves and respects you, marriage counseling may help. But if she refuses, you know what to do for your own sanity and self respect.


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## Shooboomafoo

Same thing for me!!! Let me put my name in the hat.
Texting (100+ a week), Facebook/Myspace "justafriend".

Now, its all about how we had problems long before that, and it was simply a product of the troubles our marriage had.... 

Time to make a plan. This was my boundary, my deal breaker.


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## Amplexor

This is not just an affair, it is a behavior habit with her. If you end this EA she will restart with someone else. She *needs* the attention and until she addresses that with a trained professional this cycle will continue until you finally have had enough and end the marriage. There is more than enough smoking gun to convict. She needs to own up, get help or get out. She's on a bad path and taking you along for the ride.


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## sigma1299

Amplexor said:


> This is not just an affair, it is a behavior habit with her. If you end this EA she will restart with someone else. She *needs* the attention and until she addresses that with a trained professional this cycle will continue until you finally have had enough and end the marriage. There is more than enough smoking gun to convict. She needs to own up, get help or get out. She's on a bad path and taking you along for the ride.


:iagree::iagree:


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## disappointed123

sigma1299 said:


> I guarantee they are still in contact - beyond a shadow of a doubt. There is no such thing as "staying friends" with your affair partner. I told my wife this same bull sh!t after D Day - I believed it at the time but now I know what an utter crock it really is. They can't do it even if they really wanted to and it's unfair to you.
> 
> I'm not sure I'd crack her email but rather demand that she give full access and transparency voluntarily. If she does I'd still install key logger software and do everything else I could to verify it was dead, if she doesn't I'd tell her to go pack. I like the idea of cc'ing you on the no contact email - that's text book for the betrayed spouse to end the affair. These things are very hard to kill. Until she wants to give it up she will continue to resist and fight you on killing it. Even when she does want to give it up, it will still be hard - it is very much like a drug.


Should I email the guy and tell him to please stop talking to my wife as it is putting a dent in our marriage? Ive got his work address - so I suppose I could send a physical polite letter to that office (which will probably scare the **** out of him). I would never be threatening - i will just state that my wife's dishonesty has forced me to play this hand and that he should not be speaking to my wife AT ALL.. I would have been fine if they were friends - but it has grown to be more than that so their ability to be friends is no more. Should I tell her parents and friends that I am worried that she is having an affair?


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## disappointed123

Amplexor said:


> This is not just an affair, it is a behavior habit with her. If you end this EA she will restart with someone else. She *needs* the attention and until she addresses that with a trained professional this cycle will continue until you finally have had enough and end the marriage. There is more than enough smoking gun to convict. She needs to own up, get help or get out. She's on a bad path and taking you along for the ride.


We are going to marriage counselling - but she is just lying to the Councillor.


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## sigma1299

First - don't be worried that she's having an affair - she is - period. 

Regarding contacting the OM and her family. There are varying opinions here. It will do the following: First it will piss your wife off royally. She will likely call you things you've never dreamed of. Second, unless you have proof her family may well not believe you and they may rally around her and paint you as crazy. 

If she won't shut it down and give you the full truth and full transparency I'd contact the OM. I'd have some proof before I outed her to her family but I would do that too once I did.

Don't tell her in advance of doing either of these.


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## Amplexor

disappointed123 said:


> We are going to marriage counselling - but she is just lying to the Councillor.


She needs individual counseling to address her own issues that drive her to do these things. Until she does, this pattern will repeat.

Marriages can survive an EA, mine did. But what you have here is completely different. The EAs are a result of something deeper and I don't think they all surround issues in the marriage.


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## disappointed123

sigma1299 said:


> First - don't be worried that she's having an affair - she is - period.
> 
> Regarding contacting the OM and her family. There are varying opinions here. It will do the following: First it will piss your wife off royally. She will likely call you things you've never dreamed of. Second, unless you have proof her family may well not believe you and they may rally around her and paint you as crazy.
> 
> If she won't shut it down and give you the full truth and full transparency I'd contact the OM. I'd have some proof before I outed her to her family but I would do that too once I did.


Ive printed out about 100 damning emails.. I wont contact anyone until I check her email again.. which I am working on as we speak.


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## disappointed123

Amplexor said:


> She needs individual counseling to address her own issues that drive her to do these things. Until she does, this pattern will repeat.
> 
> Marriages can survive an EA, mine did. But what you have here is completely different. The EAs are a result of something deeper and I don't think they all surround issues in the marriage.


Her problem is that she doesn't seem to ever be happy.. I mean, I devote everything to her and I am 'too close and need to go find other friends and leave her alone a bit' I go find other friends and leave her alone a bit and now I am not paying enough attention.. Its almost like she thrives on constant drama - and everything is MY fault.. The first EA she had when we were dating was absolutely not the result of anything in our relationship - we (as I could tell) were absolutely GREAT. No arguing, no fighting, no nothing - and a great sex life. After I found out she was blubberingly upset. I know she has a problem, once she drunkenly admitted to me that she had cheated on EVERYONE she had ever been with. Her excuse was 'they deserved it'. Ive been cheated on in the past by an ex.. (physically) I forgave her, she did it again with someone else a few months later - i kicked her to the curb. I cant handle this again.


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## Amplexor

disappointed123 said:


> I know she has a problem, once she drunkenly admitted to me that she had cheated on EVERYONE she had ever been with. Her excuse was 'they deserved it'.


Need I say more? Really? This is a pattern, it will not change, you are enabling her. She needs to address this issue with a professional.


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## disappointed123

Amplexor said:


> Need I say more? Really? This is a pattern, it will not change, you are enabling her. She needs to address this issue with a professional.


I guess not.. I popped her email just now and she is still talking to the guy. I count 29 emails so far today. One of the emails basically says he aches for her.. 

It also appears she physically mailed him some gifts and a love letter that he received yesterday. He sent a picture of himself, but his face is concealed. (nothing nude) Very weird. Lots of xoxoxo, I want to kiss you, sexual innuendo.. In one email she appears to go as far as telling him that she loves him. (what???!! they have never even spoken until they started to email!)

It also looks like she even told him that I found out about it - and that she will be more careful now and not use wifi at the house.. Too bad im a network engineer and smarter than both of them put together. 

In one email she asks when they could finally meet in person - and that she could make up an excuse to get away.. all he said was 'perhaps' She cant wait until they can be together, etc. Damn.. She has a friend coming in from out of town to stay with us tonight - i really dont need this now. Should I sit on this until her friend leaves, or should I basically tell her to get out and that her friend can get a hotel? 

This B** is crazy. She is willing to risk her marriage for a 50+ year old married guy who lives 3000 miles away.


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## disappointed123

Its funny too, because after I demonstrated that I was unhappy with her behavior yesterday afternoon, and that I am still suspicious of her she has been very kissey and lovey to me last night and today .. going so far as saying how much she cares for me, and wants things to work out - and that she is really trying. All the while emailing this guy on the side. Obviously she is just being nice to me for now so I dont get suspicious.


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## Amplexor

Document it all. Copy the emails to a safe place. Confront her after the friend leaves tomorrow.


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## WhereAmI

Print out those emails and find the man's wife. If you want this to end his fantasy needs to be shattered as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Amplexor said:


> Document it all. Copy the emails to a safe place. Confront her after the friend leaves tomorrow.


I printed out several of todays emails.. I just cant believe she sent this guy snail mail - and GIFTS. I asked her last month - what exactly do you think is going to come of this? This really sucks, because I am not an overtly jealous guy. She works with an ex boyfriend fairly closely (They even went to NYC together for a work thing) I havent thought twice about her cheating.. Now I wonder if she didnt sleep with him.

We dont have a therapy appt. till the 12th of next month..


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## disappointed123

WhereAmI said:


> Print out those emails and find the man's wife. If you want this to end his fantasy needs to be shattered as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do I find his wife? Do you think I should email him to just 'dissapear' before saying anything to my wife - and if she comes to me made that I contacted him I hit her with all of the emails I printed out? I know he is doing all of this in secret, or else they wouldnt be using skype instead of the regular phone.


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## Almostrecovered

you guys can talk all you want about her needing therapy about being addicted to attention (and yes it needs to be addressed if you reconcile)

BUT YOU AREN'T GETTING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU STOP THIS AFFAIR

She will do anything and everything possible to continue this affair until you put your foot down now and let her know exactly what happens if she doesn't


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## Gabriel

I am so pissed off reading this. Here is what you need to do. Listen carefully. I can't believe Mayhem, Jelly or others haven't already said this.

You need to turn everything off, go 180 on her right now. Don't beg or plead. Tell her she can have the other guy because you are no longer an option. Offer no response to her physical advances. Only speak when spoken to. Act like you are ready to move on without her. Go to the gym. Ramp up your time with your buddies. Do all of this HARD.

From what I have read, she will come running after you and ask why you are behaving this way, or beg for attention.

When she does this, you tell her that you know she is still having an affair, even as of today, and as long as that is happening, you are not going to be an option for her attention. Tell her No Contact (NC) is the only way you will even consider trying to reconcile, and if she isn't willing to do that, you'll have to contact an attorney.

This will scare the sh*t out of her. Let her try to have her little fantasy. Just make it clear you won't be a part of it. She is cake eating - stable hubby at home, little excitement on the side. She's addicted. The only way to break that is to cut it cold turkey.

Sorry you are here. I am so angry reading what she is doing to you.


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## Amplexor

disappointed123 said:


> How do I find his wife? Do you think I should email him to just 'dissapear' before saying anything to my wife - and if she comes to me made that I contacted him I hit her with all of the emails I printed out? I know he is doing all of this in secret, or else they wouldnt be using skype instead of the regular phone.



Don't go exposure to TOM or his wife just yet, but you may need to down the road. But you need to let her know you know she is lying and you won't stand for it. Let her be pissed and don't reveal your sources yet. Set your boundaries with her and tell her she must end all contact with TOM. Be as confident and unemotional as you can. If she is unwilling to do so or denies it tell her you are ready to move on without her and you will not live in a marriage like this. Until she is confronted with the consequences of her actions she will continue to use you and lie to you. There can be no compromise on her no contact with him. It's a deal breaker.


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## Eli-Zor

While doing the 180 , save all those mails before she deletes them , track the OM down find his wife, if he has none his girlfriend or his parents , you will need to expose the affair to them. 

As for the friend coming to you tonight, tell the friend she has to go to a hotel tonight as your wife is having an affair and you need to talk to her, this way the friend knows of the affair and you can deal with your wife. Your marriage is worth more than your wifes embarrassment.

Do not wait and pretend and do not play nice , be firm, be strong know that she will lie and lie. Do not reveal how much you know and how you got the information, the script says she will take this underground so be prepared.

Request no contact and all his details , she will most likley decline, do not leave the house. Call her parents and tell them of th affair.

Track the OM down and make his life hell
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan

disappointed123 said:


> She said he is married and he is over 20 years her senior.. She even used the 'He is really old and married, thats just gross' line with me.


The OM in my case was also 20 yrs older and married, I actually laughed when I was first told because I thought it was a joke. I'm also in IT lol.

It stopped being funny rather quickly. They always affair down.

Listen to what Gabriel wrote. You already know everything and getting her to confuse will be frustrating. She'll confess when she feels remorse and as narcissistic as she sounds I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

Her = kick->curb


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## jnj express

Hey Dis---enuff is enuff----how much evidence do you need

This is continuing on--cuz YOU ARE DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT

Read---all the websites you can about cheating---in almost every thread ---the cheater doesn't stop, until they are threatened seriously with consequences

She is married---she doesn't get to have/keep a friend she sends pics,to---she doesn't get to have a friend she sends thousands of messages to

The counseling is a waste of time and money---UNTIL SHE STOPS

Sit her down, and tell her this---you know you cannot control her life, she is an adult, and you don't wanna be her parole officer-----tell her at this point in time there are 3 people in this mge., and you will not continue on, as it is----EITHER SHE STOPS NOW IMMEDIATELY, SENDS THE E-MAIL, WITH YOU WATCHING IT GO----AND DELETES HIM FROM EVERYTHING---or you tell her you are moving on w/out her, and you will start D. proceedings tomorrow----THEN WALK AWAY----Let's see how really important this guy is to her, when her mge.is threatened

If you want added power to what you are saying---tell her you are sure she will enjoy the single, divorced, life, with her having been divorced cuz she cheated on her H.----ask her how she might like working 2 jobs to make it in the big bad world---ask her how many guys out there will take care of her and her son, as you have---once again---do not argue, do not yell, be cold and icy---when you are done walk away, in fact leave the house for a while, take a drive---let her know by your ACTIONS, you are PO'd, and tired of this crap---she either wants to be properly married, or she wants to be divorced---then she can play all the games she wants---tell her you won't be around so you won't give a da*n.

That hopefully should wake her up---if not, then you have a major problem!!!!!!


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## ManDup

disappointed123 said:


> I printed out several of todays emails.. I just cant believe she sent this guy snail mail - and GIFTS. I asked her last month - what exactly do you think is going to come of this? This really sucks, because I am not an overtly jealous guy. She works with an ex boyfriend fairly closely (They even went to NYC together for a work thing) I havent thought twice about her cheating.. Now I wonder if she didnt sleep with him.
> 
> We dont have a therapy appt. till the 12th of next month..


Part of the problem is that you are not an overtly jealous guy. You should guard your boundaries with a vengeance. You say you are a nice guy and do all you can for her, but you haven't mentioned how this has resulted in reciprocal behavior on her part. Give your time and attention to those who deserve it and earn it. What is it again that makes her the best lady you've ever met? Low standards, my friend.

You definitely need to read the man up and nice guy stickies. That's you in spades.


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## lordmayhem

Amplexor said:


> Need I say more? Really? This is a pattern, it will not change, you are enabling her. She needs to address this issue with a professional.


:iagree:

Her cheating on everyone she has ever been with is a definite behavioral pattern. It may be who she is and cannot change on her own without professional help. 

*IF you are able to kill this current EA, another EA or PA is just around the corner because she WILL latch on to someone else.* She wants to continue to cake eat, having the security of marriage while she gets to play around with other men. 

You need to decide for yourself if you want to put in the effort with a woman that has so obviously has something broken inside her, and it will take a lot of effort and patience on your part. And this will be hard to do since you are hurting from her betrayal. Or you can kick her to the curb like your previous woman, since you haven't been married that long, and the one child in the relationship was hers from another man.


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## disappointed123

Her friend came in late last night - I did not want to get into it with her yesterday afternoon just before her friend came to stay with us. Maybe I should have, but I just didnt want to. What is so weird is, she has been putting on the 'trying to make things work' face for the last month. Yesterday/last night was no exception. I get home from the gym, after work - and she has dinner all prepared for me, she has been cleaning the house ,etc.. 

Then she volunteers the info 'you are my best friend, I would never want anyone but you - there's only one person I would let touch me'. She has said that before - while we were intimate: "You are the only one who could ever touch me this way" sort of thing. 

The sad thing is, she says all of this out of one side of her mouth - because the moment I go to bed, she emails the guy mushy sh*t like "im thinking about you" and the guy says crap like "You make me feel so special, its been so long since I have felt this way" . Pretty standard emotional stuff. Luckily the spare room is all set up, so as soon as this friend leaves, thats where she will be sleeping. I know for a fact she wont send him a no contact letter in front of me.


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## lordmayhem

disappointed123 said:


> Then she volunteers the info 'you are my best friend, I would never want anyone but you - there's only one person I would let touch me'. She has said that before - while we were intimate: "You are the only one who could ever touch me this way" sort of thing.
> 
> The sad thing is, she says all of this out of one side of her mouth - because the moment I go to bed, she emails the guy mushy sh*t like "im thinking about you" and the guy says crap like "You make me feel so special, its been so long since I have felt this way" . Pretty standard emotional stuff. Luckily the spare room is all set up, so as soon as this friend leaves, thats where she will be sleeping. I know for a fact she wont send him a no contact letter in front of me.


It's amazing how they can completely compartmentalize the A. My wife did the exact same things at times. Even after an intense lovemaking session, I would find out later on that she was calling him as soon as I went to bed.

If she won't send an NC letter in front of you, then it's pretty much academic.


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## morituri

lordmayhem said:


> It's amazing how they can completely compartmentalize the A. My wife did the exact same things at times. Even after an intense lovemaking session, I would find out later on that she was calling him as soon as I went to bed.


After I discovered my ex-wife's affair, I knew who she had inside her head all the time we were making love. It certainly wasn't me.

Compartmentalization. Who says only men engage in it?


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## Almostrecovered

lordmayhem said:


> It's amazing how they can completely compartmentalize the A. My wife did the exact same things at times. *Even after an intense lovemaking session, I would find out later on that she was calling him as soon as I went to bed.*
> 
> If she won't send an NC letter in front of you, then it's pretty much academic.


very much the case with me as well, in fact during the 3 week affair our sex lives improved and increased dramatically

(and even got better shortly after d-day)


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## Eli-Zor

Have you tracked down the OM and his family
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Spend time today planning how you are going to address this with her tonight. Build your confidence, you are in the right here to demand she end it. Be sure to keep it unemotional as possible, business like. Don't lose your cool and don't be surprised if she attack you for the problems in the marriage, snooping, not trusting..... It's what a cheater does, tries to shift the blame. Good luck.


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> Have you tracked down the OM and his family
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im not really sure how to track this guy and his family down - he lives very far away. I have his full name and where he is currently working.. I have not contacted him. I do 'kinda' know what he looks like - he has never sent any clear pictures of himself to her (thats kind of weird) even though she has sent lots of pics of herself to him. I do know that he slightly resembles me - same hair, wears glasses.. Except he is much older and looks out of shape. 

Im 6'2 205 and in excellent shape.If I ever met this guy Im certain I could smash him like so many legos. Believe me, I have had fantasies of calling his work and leaving a message with the receptionist along the lines of 'do not talk to my wife any more. Sincerely, someone much larger and angrier than you.' 

From his emails I could tell he was VERY paranoid about giving her his work address. I lied to her about how I got her email info the first time, and looking at it this time - he tells her 'make sure you are off wifi whenever you are home, because that's just weird' As if I am doing something 'creepy' by snooping. She says to him 'dont worry, he wont show up at your work with a pitchfork'. 

Dont be so sure.

Another funny thing - she dropped an earring down the bathroom drain a while back - after I stopped snooping - and asked me to get it out - not right now, but whenever I could. So about an hour later I go in there to get it out. After I get it out, she accuses me of snooping on her because she just 'sent a message to a friend about her earring' No, I just remembered to get your grandmother's earring out. I was pissed about that - and now even more annoyed because it was HIM she was talking to. Then she told him that she was 'experimenting' and turned wi-fi on and sent him that message that she dropped the earring to see if I would read it. Its funny how she has turned me into the bad guy for snooping and doesn't feel guilty for sending pictures of her t*tties to some old guy. The more I think about all of this the more angry I get at her playing me.


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## WhereAmI

It could be as simple as entering his full name and city into google, or looking him up in his town's online white pages. Hell, you might find him on Facebook with a simple search. If you PM me his name I'll try. Don't post it though, your W could google it and find this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Amplexor said:


> Spend time today planning how you are going to address this with her tonight. Build your confidence, you are in the right here to demand she end it. Be sure to keep it unemotional as possible, business like. Don't lose your cool and don't be surprised if she attack you for the problems in the marriage, snooping, not trusting..... It's what a cheater does, tries to shift the blame. Good luck.


Unfortunately her friends are here for a few days.. At least I have a couple of days to plan. Thanks for everyone's advice.


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## disappointed123

WhereAmI said:


> It could be as simple as entering his full name and city into google, or looking him up in his town's online white pages. Hell, you might find him on Facebook with a simple search. If you PM me his name I'll try. Don't post it though, your W could google it and find this thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im not sure exactly where he lives - I think its Toronto, ON. He is not on facebook - and has apparently taken great pains to keep himself private. Im VERY good at finding people, and cant seem to root this guy out.


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## Eli-Zor

Having his work address is great. Start writing letter addressed to his HR director cc the chairman and say finance director, state on the letter that one of there employees , name OM, is conducting and affair on company time using company equipment with your wife. Send all three letters via fedex or equivalent , they will call him in. This will rattle his cage. While the letters are in flight run a check against his name or if you have his mail address or mobile number , there are sites that will give his address it takes some digging . I will check my notes over the weekend for a list of tracking sites, other members here may post the links to you before I do.
_Posted via Mobile device_


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## Eli-Zor

Read your post after I posted mine.

Send the letters to his work, he won't be so brave once his company is made aware of it and he is then aware you are tracking him down, life for him becomes that little bit more unpleasant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

You have got to put a screeching halt to this - ASAP. Try looking up the OM on facebook and see if it will tell you who his wife is.


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## Eli-Zor

I also think you should pull the friends aside and ask them to leave if they ask why be honest then deal with your wife it let's her know your are serious and spreads the bad news thus informing her how far you are prepared to go to protect your marriage. It also gives you the weekend to isolate her from the OM.

Be very calm when you do this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

sigma1299 said:


> You have got to put a screeching halt to this - ASAP. Try looking up the OM on facebook and see if it will tell you who his wife is.


He's not on facebook.. Ive found him on spokeo, but it has an old address that I know he is not at anymore.


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## Eli-Zor

Your other option is to hire a Pi to follow him home. They can work out to identify him , as you have his work details this should be routine for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI

disappointed123 said:


> He's not on facebook.. Ive found him on spokeo, but it has an old address that I know he is not at anymore.


Are you good under pressure? It's a long shot, but you could call his secretary or even HIM and claim that you tried delivering a package and it was refused as he no longer lives at (old address). Then ask for the new one. There are many more things you can try before reaching this point, though. I think contacting his HR is brilliant. I'd call his office just to confirm you have a real name, though. If you don't, still send the letter letting them know that he's using an alias.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

You know - if this guy is this hard to find I'd probably punt. All it ultimately does is force the A to end, which if that's not what your wife wants it doesn't matter much anyway does it? I think the only way forward out of this is through your wife. I think you've got to make her pick - flat footed - right now - the moment of truth. Me or him. Me you get to stay - him you get to leave right now. You've got to be prepared to make it stick though. Once she realizes what's she's done she'll likely want to come back. At that point the ball is in your court but I wouldn't even talk about it until she totally fessed up, gave you whatever you want as far as transparency and took full ownership of what she's been involved in.


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## disappointed123

WhereAmI said:


> Are you good under pressure? It's a long shot, but you could call his secretary or even HIM and claim that you tried delivering a package and it was refused as he no longer lives at (old address). Then ask for the new one. There are many more things you can try before reaching this point, though. I think contacting his HR is brilliant. I'd call his office just to confirm you have a real name, though. If you don't, still send the letter letting them know that he's using an alias.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont know.. Im confused right now with what to do.. I hate reading all of that correspondence, but I read it anyway.. of course she gaslighted to him about me.. how I 'havent given her enough attention' or 'Im there but not there' She even complained to him about how much freedom I have given her. Imagine that - she complained that I didnt fight her about things she wanted to do! She always pulls that in arguments how Im not attentive enough, or too attentive and 'in her face'. It doesnt seem there is a quality middle ground with her. Some people just need some drama in their lives to feel 'complete'.


Im done being a pushover.. She thinks Im fine with her talking to this guy, she is wrong.. She thinks she can lie about it, then act nice to me to cover it up.. wrong. I let her practically do anything she wants as long as its not disrespectful to me. This is disrespectful to me - and its going to stop.


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## Eli-Zor

The sooner you bring this to a head the better , take her down this weekend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> The sooner you bring this to a head the better , take her down this weekend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah.. they are exchanging emails today still, of course.. They are talking all lovey dovey - like rescuing each other and 'I didnt know I still had feelings like this inside'.. amazing - she sent that love letter the just before I met her and her friends for lunch.. Now Im back at work and shaking with rage.

Im contemplating embarassing the **** out of her in front of her friends.. Maybe even slap down some of her more juicy emails - they can all chew on those. Stop talking to the OM, or leave m e.. You cant have both. I may have not been the greatest husband, and have made mistakes.. but this is B.S.

-


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## sigma1299

Yes it is. Just do the best you can to be emotionless when you confront her. The less drama and more resolve the better.


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## Eli-Zor

Go home and expose this to her friends let her face the music. Then send the letter to his work it buys you time while you track him down and will be there when the directors arrive to make his Monday rather blue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

Please remember to come back on here and keep us posted. I am really wanting to see how you bring the heat on this, and what she does.


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## disappointed123

sigma1299 said:


> Yes it is. Just do the best you can to be emotionless when you confront her. The less drama and more resolve the better.


Might be too much drama to do it in front of her friends.. Im just really angry with all of this.. She is obviously addicted to the attention that he provides. Its just so WEIRD. He lives 2000 miles away, and as far as I can tell have never talked face to face. What can this possibly get her, other than a thrill up her leg? I mean the guy is 50+ and she is not even 30 yet... I dont even know if she would have the guts to meet face to face - even though she has expressed that desire on occasion via email.

What do I do about my stepson? She may ask me to help with her kid while she is working alot over the next 3 months or so... Do I say 'no, I wont help' if she does not agree to no contact? If she does not agree to no contact, do I cancel her cellphone and car insurance immediately? Do I tell her to get out, or sleep in the spare room and pay me rent? Her car is in both of our names.. my car is in my name, the house is in my name, all of the furniture is in my name.. basically she has nothing. Maybe the scare will make her wake the hell up.


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## Eli-Zor

You are following a script of a typical betrayed spouse , you are finding reasons not to sort this out now , you are looking for what if and how do I's . We are giving the way forward, tried and tested , if you are not willing to expose her in front of her friends pull them aside and ask them to leave , say she is conducting an affair and them being their is not helping you , then take her down, the weekend is an ideal time to crack this on the head.

Do not leave the house and do not ask her to leave , have it out, state your boundaries , write the letter to the OM's company then sit back and look after yourself. Run a 180 on her , start today your fear is stopping you from saving your marriage. 

Everything written here is proven by others in your situation to work and is to help you , take the advice and look the storm in the eye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

Eli-Zor is right. You have to do it this weekend. Your anger is good, because it will give you resolve, but you cannot show it to her. You have to be calm. She will take you way more seriously that way. Do not delay. DO THIS. Just the thought of her texting this guy over and over every day is making MY skin crawl, and she's not even my wife!


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## Amplexor

disappointed123 said:


> Im contemplating embarassing the **** out of her in front of her friends.. Maybe even slap down some of her more juicy emails - they can all chew on those. Stop talking to X, or leave m e.. You cant have both. I may have not been the greatest husband, and have made mistakes.. but this is B.S.
> 
> -


I would recommend you not do this at this point. You have described these as her friends. You may likely come off to them as controlling and she will easily gain their sympathy. Exposure is a valid option in an affair but is pretty much the nuclear option in my opinion. Keep it in your quiver for now. Confront her with what you know but don't expose your sources. This must be done in a confident manner that puts you in control. Again, contact with this man is a deal breaker. She needs to be made very aware of this and end the relationship before things will ever get better. Exposing it in front of her friends may feel good but I doubt you will harvest any positive results.


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> You are following a script of a typical betrayed spouse , you are finding reasons not to sort this out now , you are looking for what if and how do I's . We are giving the way forward, tried and tested , if you are not willing to expose her in front of her friends pull them aside and ask them to leave , say she is conducting an affair and them being their is not helping you , then take her down, the weekend is an ideal time to crack this on the head.
> 
> Do not leave the house and do not ask her to leave , have it out, state your boundaries , write the letter to the OM's company then sit back and look after yourself. Run a 180 on her , start today your fear is stopping you from saving your marriage.
> 
> Everything written here is proven by others in your situation to work and is to help you , take the advice and look the storm in the eye.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ill do my best to have it out as soon as I can. I was just asking questions for advice on what to do with the situation. (kid, etc) I will def. have it out with her - Im not going to stand by and support her and her child all the while she is masturbating to emails and/or telephone calls from this guy. This man cannot provide her with what I can provide - in any way... Turning my back on her may be the only way she will realize what she has. Im just contemplating when the best time to do it would be.. They are at in the pool drinking beer at home.. I dont want to be the arguing with a drunk person when I get home.. I will pick the right moment.


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## disappointed123

Amplexor said:


> I would recommend you not do this at this point. You have described these as her friends. You may likely come off to them as controlling and she will easily gain their sympathy. Exposure is a valid option in an affair but is pretty much the nuclear option in my opinion. Keep it in your quiver for now. Confront her with what you know but don't expose your sources. This must be done in a confident manner that puts you in control. Again, contact with this man is a deal breaker. She needs to be made very aware of this and end the relationship before things will ever get better. Exposing it in front of her friends may feel good but I doubt you will harvest any positive results.


You are right.. the thought of telling her friends is tasty - but I dont think I can do that.. I dont want to mess up her friend's vacation - nor do I want to confront them if they are intoxicated. I am going to wait until the friends are gone, then speak to her about it.


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## sigma1299

disappointed123 said:


> You are right.. the thought of telling her friends is tasty - but I dont think I can do that.. I dont want to mess up her friend's vacation - *nor do I want to confront them if they are intoxicated*. I am going to wait until the friends are gone, then speak to her about it.


You are so right in that - you both want to be stone cold sober.


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## F-102

You WON'T expose her,
You still ALLOW her to e-mail this creep,
You FIND EXCUSES to not confront her...

...you are giving her the keys to cheat!

MAN THE F**K UP!!!


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## Gabriel

I'm kind of with F-102 here. You are sitting there shaking with anger, feel like your life is destroyed, yet you are worried about making HER uncomfortable? 

I agree you shouldn't do that when either of you are drunk. But dood, get this done or it will eat at your soul every minute.


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## Gabriel

When I found my wife's damning email to the OM, I was out of town on a business trip - we were 2000 miles apart. I didn't even wait until I got home the next day to confront her. I had the email open and called her at 3am. Didn't care that I had to wake her up in the middle of the night. 

When she didn't come clean, I read it to her. That's when it all started. DDAY on cinco de mayo.


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## Eli-Zor

Gabriel said:


> I'm kind of with F-102 here. You are sitting there shaking with anger, feel like your life is destroyed, yet you are worried about making HER uncomfortable?
> 
> I agree you shouldn't do that when either of you are drunk. But dood, get this done or it will eat at your soul every minute.


Agree

Every day that passes takes a chunk out of your soul. You probably do not even see that you are the one that holds the cards, the OM is miles away, she needs your financial security , needs you as a step father , the OM is much older and from the sounds of it a player. 

Take her down this weekend, friends or no friends the only loser will be her .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

Eli-Zor said:


> Agree
> 
> Every day that passes takes a chunk out of your soul. You probably do not even see that you are the one that holds the cards, the OM is miles away, she needs your financial security , needs you as a step father , the OM is much older and from the sounds of it a player.
> 
> Take her down this weekend, friends or no friends the only loser will be her .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BINGO. She will be scared out of her friggin' mind. You hold ALL the cards. Your wife is immature and has no idea what sh*tstorm you are about to unleash. She thinks it is all fun and games. I can't wait for you to do this - her behavior is making me trigger just reading about it!!


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## F-102

She is not respecting you or your feelings because you have shown that you will do nothing to stop her or fight for your marriage.

What did Hitler do when he figured out that the free world would do nothing to stop him?


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## sam83

Please don't take it personally but U need to MAN UP not little bit but really big time this woman will never respect U with that damn attitude as U sated that U got all the her fine life style in ur hands so please do something soon to make her face the reality and get her out of lala land and tell her how spoiled and self centered person she is and that she must seek professional help for that or else she can go to the OM to take care of her and her son 

sorry but I couldn't say that in any nicer way


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## F-102

Change all of the locks on the house, then park a U-haul in your driveway, put all of her stuff in it, and when she comes home and sees it and has the nerve to ask the inevitable "You're leaving?", just toss her the keys and say : "No, YOU are." Then when she tries to follow you into the house (she won't be able to get in, as you changed the locks), threaten to call the police.

You'll be AMAZED how fast you become the most important person in her life again!


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## alphaomega

Yes. You are a Nice Guy. And your wife has no respect for you. 

It's time for you to start growing, my friend.

Get some books to start....
No More Mr. nice Guy
And
Hold onto your N.U.T.S.

These two will get you started.

Then go to the Mens Forum and read up on boundaries and Nice Guys. And Fitness Tests and Manning Up.

Then go to marriedmansexlife.com. Read all you can about becoming more alpha. Atholk's web site and book are awesome.

Next, get some balls. This isn't about how you feel you would hurt your wifes feelings by confronting her about the affair. It's about how she sh$t all over yours. If that makes her uncomfortable, who really cares. Never ever be scared if your wife or scared on conflict when it's required. 

Start the 180 technique. Start focussing on you. Drop the relationship temp to absolute zero. She doesn't get your love back until she proves she deserves it.

Start being a Man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> Should I email the guy and tell him to *please* stop talking to my wife as it is putting a dent in our marriage? Ive got his work address - so I suppose I could send a physical polite letter to that office (which will probably scare the **** out of him). * I would never be threatening* - i will just state that my wife's dishonesty has forced me to play this hand and that he should not be speaking to my wife AT ALL..* I would have been fine if they were friends* - but it has grown to be more than that so their ability to be friends is no more. Should I tell her parents and friends that I am worried that she is having an affair?


You are way way too submissive. Please? Do not beg another man to not take your wife away. Man-up. You have nice guy syndrome and you are not meeting your wife's needs.

While it is still an EA sending nude pictures is an escalation. That was a month ago. She must go NC. You must grow a pair.

Seriously you really have not chance to do anything positive as long as you have not rersepct for yourself. Allowing your wife to continue on and let anothe man have her makes you look even more unattractive. I don't intend to be mean but when I see guys like this it make my stomach upset. It is just so weird and foreign to me. It is a level of being cuckolded. <vomit>.


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> Might be too much drama to do it in front of her friends.. Im just really angry with all of this.. She is obviously addicted to the attention that he provides. Its just so WEIRD. He lives 2000 miles away, and as far as I can tell have never talked face to face. What can this possibly get her, other than a thrill up her leg? I mean the guy is 50+ and she is not even 30 yet... I dont even know if she would have the guts to meet face to face - even though she has expressed that desire on occasion via email.
> 
> What do I do about my stepson? She may ask me to help with her kid while she is working alot over the next 3 months or so... Do I say 'no, I wont help' if she does not agree to no contact? If she does not agree to no contact, do I cancel her cellphone and car insurance immediately? Do I tell her to get out, or sleep in the spare room and pay me rent? Her car is in both of our names.. my car is in my name, the house is in my name, all of the furniture is in my name.. basically she has nothing. Maybe the scare will make her wake the hell up.


So the friends visit is more important than your marriage. There in lies the problem. You are not taking your marriage seriously. This is why she is cheating non you. You are ot being a man. You do not care enough about her to act. 

I would tell the friends you have a family emergency. If your wife fought you I would say in front of everyone that she was having an affair and that you need to to stop this non-sense right now and that they need to leave. Exposing an affair is part of the process anyway. This just makes it convenient. 

Can you be more submissive!? Stop it!!!

She has not stopped her affair while the friends are here. Why should you wait?


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> *Her friend came in late last night* - I did not want to get into it with her yesterday afternoon just before her friend came to stay with us. Maybe I should have, but I just didnt want to. What is so weird is, she has been putting on the 'trying to make things work' face for the last month. Yesterday/last night was no exception. I get home from the gym, after work - and she has dinner all prepared for me, she has been cleaning the house ,etc..
> 
> Then she volunteers the info 'you are my best friend, I would never want anyone but you - there's only one person I would let touch me'. She has said that before - while we were intimate: "You are the only one who could ever touch me this way" sort of thing.
> 
> The sad thing is, she says all of this out of one side of her mouth - because the moment I go to bed, she emails the guy mushy sh*t like "im thinking about you" and the guy says crap like "You make me feel so special, its been so long since I have felt this way" . Pretty standard emotional stuff. Luckily the spare room is all set up, so as soon as this friend leaves, thats where she will be sleeping. I know for a fact she wont send him a no contact letter in front of me.


Can we assume her friend is a female? Sorry I have to ask under the circumstances.

The friend probably knows about the affair already. If she was invited to comew stay with you, you should have known. That is disrespectful for your wife not to share that with you.

There is no excuse for your wife having an affair. But you arew the problem right now. Your lack of action and flat being submissive. BTW they will try to get together so do not be surpised if this guy suddenly visits where you live or suddenly your wife says she is leaving with her firend to go visit or go on a vacation. Each day you let go the worse this gets.

This guy can never just be her friend. He is a predator. He wants in her pants and he will have to get closer for that. The pictures she is sending now are probably most graphic.

You may even want to forego trying to keep her and just let her go and move on. Work on yourself and after you have maned up then have the relationship you want.


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## Entropy3000

F-102 said:


> Change all of the locks on the house, then park a U-haul in your driveway, put all of her stuff in it, and when she comes home and sees it and has the nerve to ask the inevitable "You're leaving?", just toss her the keys and say : "No, YOU are." Then when she tries to follow you into the house (she won't be able to get in, as you changed the locks), threaten to call the police.
> 
> You'll be AMAZED how fast you become the most important person in her life again!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is an example of not being submissive. Much better way to go than what you are doing.


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## disappointed123

I appreciate all of you guys questioning my manhood so fervently. Ive been asking for advice, not insults. Thanks. Im slightly more mature than to make some dumb scene with a friend of ours and her boyfriend while they are all drunk. 

Anyway. I waited until saturday to confront her with the new information. She lied, I showed evidence. I told her that I needed to send a no contact letter. She said no. I said that she needs to go away until she figures out what she wants. 

She has been at her parents since then.


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## Amplexor

Good start D. Now stand your ground. Nothing moves forward until she sends the no contact letter to your satisfaction Don't contact her it's in her court now. Be confident and business like when dealing with her. Good luck.


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## Eli-Zor

Good move , make sure her parents know why she is there and give them the name of the OM, expose the OM and well on his side dont let his get off lightly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Good start standing up to her finally. So she's off to her parents where she'll be emailing the guy the working up their plan. Hopefully you have access to her email still.

Have you called her parents and exposed the affair to them? If not then they might become enablers of it unknowingly.

Have you taken any steps to financially protect yourself here and to cut off her ability to finance the affair?


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## Eli-Zor

Has she spoke to you since Saturday? be firm in your words , the affair is her doing , you are not to blame for any of this , if she blames you deflect it and ensure that she knows adultery is her choice.

Do not leave it as it is , cause mayhem in the OM's life. See if the OM has a Facebook page if he has access it and save his friends names and web links , these may come on handy if you have to ramp this up.

Using a few choice words rams home the message on your wife, words like "wayward" or "adulterous affair" or phrases like " a vampire sucking the goodness out our marriage" , these are hard hitting and to be used in conversarion with her as and when you feel the need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

Great job D. You did what you had to do. I can't speak for others, but my motivation for encouraging you to wake your wife up and take a hard stance is to save you from days/weeks of impossible pain. I say this because I have been there. 

It wasn't until I laid down the law with my wife that she understood just how serious I was about 1) not tolerating that behavior and 2) saving our marriage. #2 also came with me doing my part, giving her what she needs, etc. But not while any monkey business was going on.

You are just at the beginning right now. The hardest part for you will be this.....you will want to take her back too fast, and believe her that she is done with the other guy (if that's what she chooses, which she likely will). Instead you need to say that your unconditional love and affection WILL be ramped up, but ONLY as long as she has stopped her deceptive behavior.

I asked my wife who lied similarly to yours, "why did you lie". She said, "to cover my ass. I just didn't know what else to do." And that was honest. The lie is so bad that they'll cover it up until you expose.

I do agree with others that if the OM is married, you need to tell his wife. This acts as a double weapon against the affair. His W will be all over him. It will double your chances of ending it.

Unlike my W, however, your W seems to have the propensity to do this again, even soon. For that, you guys need a good MC.


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## disappointed123

We have not spoken since saturday. The friends got a hotel, and she has been hanging out with them. We all went out friday night to hang out. She was unusually responsive and nice to me.. I wasnt the same back. I was very clinical, did not drink - while they did. I pretty much told her I was there just to be a designated driver that night. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her I would say in the morning.

So she asked me the next morning - what was wrong? Why were you so distant? "i was trying to be really nice to you, but you were mean to me." I wasnt mean, I just wasnt nice. I told her flat out that I knew she was still talking to this guy and I wanted her to stop and to let him know it was over - and to do it with me watching. She did the usual getting mad for spying on her, etc. She also said "its nothing, its just a fantasy - he is married, I am married - nothing will happen - you havent been paying enough attention to me, and I want to remain friends with him" She also told me that she really tried to 'just be friends' with the guy, but got back to the sexy stuff - even though I was doing everything I could to satisfy her needs..


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## Eli-Zor

Since he is married his wife will have no problem you contacting her and she will have no problem you showing her parents some of the more explicate mails. I suggest you move fast and expose this to her parents your wifes arrogance indicates you are in for a tough ride, get hold of the OM's wife . Nothing works better that an long married man threaten by divorce and losing a good chunk of his retirement moneys.

The reason why she is so brave is she knows or thinks she knows you won't out ber to ber friends I assure you she is gaslighting you to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

You are doing pretty well. I would suggest you tell her flat out however that this is unacceptable to you.


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> Since he is married his wife will have no problem you contacting her and she will have no problem you showing her parents some of the more explicate mails. I suggest you move fast and expose this to her parents your wifes arrogance indicates you are in for a tough ride, get hold of the OM's wife . Nothing works better that an long married man threaten by divorce and losing a good chunk of his retirement moneys.
> 
> The reason why she is so brave is she knowS or think she knows you won't out ber to ber friends I assure you she is gaslighting you to them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has been married but around 9 years, Im trying to find ways to locate his wife.. Of course, he says he is having marital problems - which could be a bunch of crap. I told her parents a while back that she was talking to this guy. I know the extent then, that she was. They are totally on my side. Im still considering calling is work and a) talking to him or b) leaving a message with the receptionist to the tune of 'leave my wife alone, you scumbag'


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## Eli-Zor

If you call him have a script ready be calm, say you piece the put downthe phone , however a more effecting way forward is a letter to the company , they call him in, he worries about his job. Carry on searching and find his wife or if he has adult children get hold of them. Take some leave if you have to and see if you can spot the guy .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

I suggest you see an attorney and prepare for the worse , be ready , you can always retract the divorce but the mere action gives you direction.

Search for the 180 and start implementing it.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

I agree you should ramp up your efforts to contact the OMs wife. I'm sure your W told her parents something since she's staying with them, but I guarantee you it wasn't the full truth.

She is flat out getting off on her talks with him. Fantasy or not, there's no room in a marriage for this. You are doing well, keep it up, get ahold of the OM's wife. Nothing will end this faster than getting her involved. Even if they are having marital problems, no way in hell the OM's wife puts up with it.


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## Rafaelinan

Sorry to hear this is happening. I understand exactly how you feel.. Been there, done that. Believe me, I've been screwed so many times that one can ever imagine. I have a question though, how sure are you that the guy is really 100,000 miles away? I know it hurts just as much even if you're not really sure where the guy really is but you at least deserve to know. It can be very frustrating but this might be a big help in finding out. I can only wish the best for you and I hope things get better soon. These times can get the best of you but don't let it.

It might be very hard on your part that she lies to you every now and then so take yourself into consideration. You cannot keep loving someone who seems to be not with you. Love is not meant to be a one-way street and both people involved should give and take.


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## jnj express

Stop with wasting your time on her lover-----you need to step up your war on your wife

Go after her thru her parents----If you end up in D., they know they are gonna have to put out money to help her, I doubt at their age they really wanna do that

Dry her up financially---cancel her CC's, and put all marital finances in an acct with only you on the acct

Tell her she is now responsible for half of all utilities, half of all insurance payments, car and home---she is responsible for half of the mortgage, and half of the car payment---she is responsible for her own medical insurance------

Get in her face the next time she tries to blameshift---tell her you know what,--- go out and find someone else who will put up with the crap that she throws at you------also tell her when she got married she gave up her right to privacy, so you will look at anything you need to in re: what she is doing.

Also cut off her cellphone---and even her computer----just let her face reality------tell her you will not stay in a mge., where she continues to disrespect you---and her being in contact with another man, FOR ANY REASON is complete and total disrespect---

Whatever you do at this point DO NOT TAKE HER BACK, unless she agrees to all of your boundaries, and sends the NC


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## disappointed123

Rafaelinan said:


> Sorry to hear this is happening. I understand exactly how you feel.. Been there, done that. Believe me, I've been screwed so many times that one can ever imagine. I have a question though, how sure are you that the guy is really 100,000 miles away? I know it hurts just as much even if you're not really sure where the guy really is but you at least deserve to know. It can be very frustrating but this might be a big help in finding out. I can only wish the best for you and I hope things get better soon. These times can get the best of you but don't let it.
> 
> It might be very hard on your part that she lies to you every now and then so take yourself into consideration. You cannot keep loving someone who seems to be not with you. Love is not meant to be a one-way street and both people involved should give and take.


I know where he works, and I know from their conversations that he lives very far away.

I have come to the conclusion that she is extremely self absorbed, and really cares very little about how I feel. Looking back, this is how it has always been. I will give you an example:

She told me a year ago that she was upset that I didnt surprise her with a dinner out for her birthday - and that she had to choose where to eat. I did surprise her, however, with a beautiful, beautiful gift that she had been wanting for a long time. She's complaining about having to decide where we ate?

Another example: I would always kiss her goodbye in the morning before leaving for work. I, very rarely, got in a hurry and didnt say goodbye. This would upset her, if I didnt say goodbye. Sometimes she has to go to work before me (her work comes in spurts). When she goes to work first - she almost never kisses me goodbye. I can count those times on one hand.

Yet another: I almost *ALWAYS* compliment her on how she looks, or what she is wearing, or whatever. She would get mad at me for not saying she looks nice, or would confront me saying "how come you didnt say I looked nice tonight, didnt you notice?" I can count the times she said I looked nice over the last several years on one hand.

Another: she started working out alot more some time back. I went out of my way to encourage her with things like 'you are starting to get in shape' or 'you are really getting there!' or 'you are really starting to get in shape' or something.. This wasnt enough for her.. Saying 'you are really getting there', to her, was saying that she wasnt good enough already - even though I was saying those things in an encouraging manner to make her feel good about her progress.

These few days apart, I have had alot of time to think. This relationship is absolutely one-way. I give and give and give.. I get very little out of it. I bought her a car - while myself drove around in a pile of crap, I helped her start her career, I provide the home she lives in, I took her son in as if he was my own, I make most of the money - and in doing so, I allow her to take months at a time off work. I let her go out with her friends whenever she wants. 

What did I get when I wanted to buy a new car a few months back? "You just let your car die, so you could get a new car. The first thing Im going to do when I see it - Im going to spit on it"

I spoke with her yesterday.. We talked about her behavior, and her dealings with this guy. She said she would not break it off with him. I asked her if she was going to meet him sometime? She said she wasn't sure. I told her I wanted a divorce. She cried. Do you know what she cried about? Not me. No. She cried about having to find a place to live.. about having to find an apartment, and losing the beautiful house that I have provided for her. She never said 'Im sorry'.

Im not going to contact the OM's wife, or call his work, or call him, or do anything. I just dont care anymore. He can have her, because I dont want her anymore. The only person I am calling is a lawyer. 

In order for me to want her again, she will have to completely and utterly change her ways - come to me on hands and knees begging for forgiveness, and have complete transparency. She needs to become the woman I thought I married. I dont see that happening.


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## disappointed123

jnj express said:


> Stop with wasting your time on her lover-----you need to step up your war on your wife
> 
> Go after her thru her parents----If you end up in D., they know they are gonna have to put out money to help her, I doubt at their age they really wanna do that
> 
> Dry her up financially---cancel her CC's, and put all marital finances in an acct with only you on the acct
> 
> Tell her she is now responsible for half of all utilities, half of all insurance payments, car and home---she is responsible for half of the mortgage, and half of the car payment---she is responsible for her own medical insurance------
> 
> Get in her face the next time she tries to blameshift---tell her you know what,--- go out and find someone else who will put up with the crap that she throws at you------also tell her when she got married she gave up her right to privacy, so you will look at anything you need to in re: what she is doing.
> 
> Also cut off her cellphone---and even her computer----just let her face reality------tell her you will not stay in a mge., where she continues to disrespect you---and her being in contact with another man, FOR ANY REASON is complete and total disrespect---
> 
> Whatever you do at this point DO NOT TAKE HER BACK, unless she agrees to all of your boundaries, and sends the NC



I told her that I am cancelling her cellphone, car insurance, health insurance, and will no longer pay for her car. She also owes me several months of house payment and utilities. I have been feeling financially strapped for the last few months because she has not been working. Finally she has landed a job starting in a couple of weeks - so she is going to need to pay up.

-


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> I know where he works, and I know from their conversations that he lives very far away.
> 
> I have come to the conclusion that she is extremely self absorbed, and really cares very little about how I feel. Looking back, this is how it has always been. I will give you an example:
> 
> She told me a year ago that she was upset that I didnt surprise her with a dinner out for her birthday - and that she had to choose where to eat. I did surprise her, however, with a beautiful, beautiful gift that she had been wanting for a long time. She's complaining about having to decide where we ate?
> 
> Another example: I would always kiss her goodbye in the morning before leaving for work. I, very rarely, got in a hurry and didnt say goodbye. This would upset her, if I didnt say goodbye. Sometimes she has to go to work before me (her work comes in spurts). When she goes to work first - she almost never kisses me goodbye. I can count those times on one hand.
> 
> Yet another: I almost *ALWAYS* compliment her on how she looks, or what she is wearing, or whatever. She would get mad at me for not saying she looks nice, or would confront me saying "how come you didnt say I looked nice tonight, didnt you notice?" I can count the times she said I looked nice over the last several years on one hand.
> 
> Another: she started working out alot more some time back. I went out of my way to encourage her with things like 'you are starting to get in shape' or 'you are really getting there!' or 'you are really starting to get in shape' or something.. This wasnt enough for her.. Saying 'you are really getting there', to her, was saying that she wasnt good enough already - even though I was saying those things in an encouraging manner to make her feel good about her progress.
> 
> These few days apart, I have had alot of time to think. This relationship is absolutely one-way. I give and give and give.. I get very little out of it. I bought her a car - while myself drove around in a pile of crap, I helped her start her career, I provide the home she lives in, I took her son in as if he was my own, I make most of the money - and in doing so, I allow her to take months at a time off work. I let her go out with her friends whenever she wants.
> 
> What did I get when I wanted to buy a new car a few months back? "You just let your car die, so you could get a new car. The first thing Im going to do when I see it - Im going to spit on it"
> 
> I spoke with her yesterday.. We talked about her behavior, and her dealings with this guy. She said she would not break it off with him. I asked her if she was going to meet him sometime? She said she wasn't sure. I told her I wanted a divorce. She cried. Do you know what she cried about? Not me. No. She cried about having to find a place to live.. about having to find an apartment, and losing the beautiful house that I have provided for her. She never said 'Im sorry'.
> 
> Im not going to contact the OM's wife, or call his work, or call him, or do anything. I just dont care anymore. He can have her, because I dont want her anymore. The only person I am calling is a lawyer.
> 
> In order for me to want her again, she will have to completely and utterly change her ways - come to me on hands and knees begging for forgiveness, and have complete transparency. She needs to become the woman I thought I married. I dont see that happening.


She is in full blown EA mode right now. Nothing else matters. It is chemical. I know we expect people to be able to work through this and realize what they are doing is hurtful and disrespectful, but it is all about them during this. It is an addiction. It sounds from your explanation that she is predisposed to some seemingly selfish or one way attitudes.

Working out and getting in shape is a good thing. That said, sometimes women start doing this to improve their value with other men. This does not do much for you other than maybe an indicator of when things started to seriously go wrong and that maybe she has planned to up her "sex rank" as Athol discusses in preparation for finding someone else. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle of all that. Chicken and Egg sort of thing.

Getting with your lawyer is good no matter what.
This would destroy me, so I wish you well in your efforts.


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## sigma1299

Hold onto that resolve - it's the only way - and sounds like it's long over due based on the above. Good Luck!!


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## ArabianKnight

you are doing the right thing, DONT GIVE UP
she might starting acting of remorse just to buy time. Contact the OM's wife after you divorce just to cause trouble for all of them. 

you gave her so many chances and choices but it seems she wants you for financial support and him for physical. 
and since she got a job she might thing that now she is superior on you and does not need you.

Dont give up, she had choices and chances and she chooses to hurt you several time.


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## disappointed123

Yes, in the last few months she has done a few things in order to make herself more attractive physically... Like she is ramping herself up to look better for this guy when they finally meet.. 

Ive always been fairly physically fit - but have ramped up my workout efforts over the last few weeks, myself. 

I know one thing, Im done carrying the bag AND playing second fiddle.


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## Gabriel

Disappointed - I am so glad to hear you doing this. I can't tell you. I've been checking on this site, seriously, just to see if you have any updates. Your conversation with her was perfect. Your plan is perfect. I really relate to you in a lot of ways - my wife is a less extreme version of yours. Thankfully, as far as I know, she gave up her EA two months ago, but I have serious trust issues I will be working through via MC.

Just make sure you actually follow through with the financial threats you are making. She won't completely take you seriously unless you do that. Her reality is going to start settling in very soon here. Her son's care, her house, her $$, her car, her living quarters, etc. All that security thrown out the window for a fantasy. She STILL hasn't quite learned. STILL won't give up the fantasy. Amazing!

This girl needs some serious help. Something happened to her when she was younger. The comments about saying she looks nice and working out sound just like my wife (although mine would be totally okay about the me having a new car - that is intense). My W is like that because of severe self esteem issues that stem from her childhood (I could kill her parents). It's seemingly never enough. You forget one compliment and it's like you NEVER do it, right? Same here. You can't fix that with 1000 compliments. She needs to fix herself. As her H, there's no way you can wait for her to do that unless she wants to, and ends the EA, neither of which seems like they are going to happen right now.

I am so sorry. Keep us updated on your progress, either way. She may come to her senses yet. Or she may just run away from it all.


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## disappointed123

Wife came by yesterday while I was at work and left a note on the kitchen island saying that we needed to talk in person soon so that we can figure out what we are going to do.

I havent spoken to her since the weekend. Interestingly - I managed to pop her email again to see what she has been telling this guy. I dont see that they have written each other since saturday evening. That seems really unusual since they appear to have been talking every single day for the last few months.. In the last few emails she tells him that she is very sad and scared - she realizes now the reality and severity of the situation. The OM actually sounds apologetic, and said that this is a very sad situation.

Do you think she may have dropped contact with him, or do you think she just deleted all of the latest emails and is created a new email account to carry on? I dont see why she would just delete the latest ones and not delete them all. This is all so confusing.


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## Gabriel

disappointed123 said:


> Wife came by yesterday while I was at work and left a note on the kitchen island saying that we needed to talk in person soon so that we can figure out what we are going to do.
> 
> I havent spoken to her since the weekend. Interestingly - I managed to pop her email again to see what she has been telling this guy. I dont see that they have written each other since saturday evening. That seems really unusual since they appear to have been talking every single day for the last few months.. In the last few emails she tells him that she is very sad and scared - she realizes now the reality and severity of the situation. The OM actually sounds apologetic, and said that this is a very sad situation.
> 
> Do you think she may have dropped contact with him, or do you think she just deleted all of the latest emails and is created a new email account to carry on? I dont see why she would just delete the latest ones and not delete them all. This is all so confusing.


It's very possible she has temporarily dropped contact. See, it's no longer fun for her. You ruined her fun, as you should have. Whether you did this on your own volition or heeded our advice doesn't matter. Your actions have made her finally realize she can't have her cake and eat it too. You should be proud of yourself.

Let us know how the talk goes. Don't be so quick to take her back. She needs to do some serious begging, promising to change, demonstrate total transparency, AND send a NC to the OM that you can read. Only then should you even consider deciding what to do. 

Yes, it is possible it's gone underground further, but I have a hunch it hasn't. I think the thrill is gone for her now that she is living with mom and knows you mean business. 

If you need to discuss further - send me a message. Good luck.


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## F-102

Or, it's possible that the OM stopped with her, maybe his W found out, and now she needs to smooth things over again with you.


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## Eli-Zor

A few thoughts; she has another account , they are laying low to see what happens , he fears you will find his wife. We have all posted to you and I guess you have not looked for his wife , not written a letter to his work and not confronted him .

You odds will be significantly greater if you did all or some of the above. Please rattle his cage , he has a lot to lose and you leaving him to get away free should not be an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

The drug of the affair is very strong , she may suspect you are in her account and is writing what she thinks you want to hear.Few affairs stop dead contact is renewed normally by another means
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Eli-Zor said:


> A few thoughts; she has another account , they are laying low to see what happens , he fears you will find his wife. We have all posted to you and I guess you have not looked for his wife , not written a letter to his work and not confronted him .
> 
> You odds will be significantly greater if you did all or some of the above. Please rattle his cage , he has a lot to lose and you leaving him to get away free should not be an option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Thats usually how it goes.


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## Eli-Zor

If you chose to reconcile , she immediately hand writes a no contact letter , sent so he has to sign for it and do not take the blame , if she tries tell her to leave , the only topic you are discussing is her affair. 

Wait and see what she says tonight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

While it's understandable that you have written the marriage off and don't care to expose the OM to "save the marriage", I do implore that you still tell his wife for the simple fact that she deserves to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Almostrecovered said:


> While it's understandable that you have written the marriage off and don't care to expose the OM to "save the marriage", I do implore that you still tell his wife for the simple fact that she deserves to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If we do talk about reconciliation, a no contact letter will be something that will happen. I actually have been looking fairly vigorously for his wife's name. I am pretty sure I have found his home address and phone number. I have called the number - and it had a robotic answering voice that said 'we cant come to the phone right now, please leave a message'. I had my phone number hidden. 

Luckily, I have friends in the telephony industry - so I will just get a fake phone number from his area code to use that will make him think its a local person calling.. either that, or an 800 number the next time I call.. 

Believe me, I am not just twiddling my thumbs.. I know I said I dont care about her, and dont care about the guy and his wife.. However, thats not exactly true. I do love my wife, and if she can prove that its over, and rededicate herself - I will take her back. I am diligently trying to find as much about him as possible. I dont think he should get off scott free while our marriage is in shambles because of their actions. Its true - she contacted him first,.. but he could have said 'no' when things got too heavy.

-


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## Eli-Zor

Thanks good feedback
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

The more I think about it, the more unnerved I am by the fact that their contact just went poof from her mailbox.. its really weird, and makes me think one of two things - he stopped messaging, or she got another email account..


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## Eli-Zor

If she is following the script she has gone underground , waywards rarely stop on the first few rounds . This why we are encouraging you to out the OM, the work rationale is if he mailed her during his work hours he is using company time and equipment this cause his work life to become more difficult thus limiting contact time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

Maybe she went underground and maybe she didn't. She does know you have access to her email account, so them stopping cold turkey could mean anything at this point.

Are they talking on the phone too? Or can you even tell?

Your conversation tonight will be very interesting to hear about. She is either going to beg to come back or she will say she refuses to give him up and thus your marriage will be over. I'm really not sure if there is any other possibility here.

Stay calm and resilient. Even if she begs and pleads and says it's over with the OM, you'll have to tell her that it's going to take more than words for you to believe her. The NC letter, for one. And I agree with Eli and the others that say you should keep foraging ahead with finding the OM's wife.

Wayward wives almost always break NC. Mine did once, texting over a weekend a bunch of times. I caught it, and since then it's been clean. I call her 2 months sober. But even my wife, who is otherwise a very honest person, broke the NC once. So don't assume anything.

During your conversation I would reiterate that the A is just the icing on the cake. She's been selfish and not giving in the marriage even before that. If she is to have the privilege of your services going forward, you get to mandate X Y and Z, or she's out on the street, looking for someone else's attention.


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## disappointed123

Gabriel said:


> Maybe she went underground and maybe she didn't. She does know you have access to her email account, so them stopping cold turkey could mean anything at this point.
> 
> Are they talking on the phone too? Or can you even tell?
> 
> Your conversation tonight will be very interesting to hear about. She is either going to beg to come back or she will say she refuses to give him up and thus your marriage will be over. I'm really not sure if there is any other possibility here.
> 
> Stay calm and resilient. Even if she begs and pleads and says it's over with the OM, you'll have to tell her that it's going to take more than words for you to believe her. The NC letter, for one. And I agree with Eli and the others that say you should keep foraging ahead with finding the OM's wife.
> 
> Wayward wives almost always break NC. Mine did once, texting over a weekend a bunch of times. I caught it, and since then it's been clean. I call her 2 months sober. But even my wife, who is otherwise a very honest person, broke the NC once. So don't assume anything.
> 
> During your conversation I would reiterate that the A is just the icing on the cake. She's been selfish and not giving in the marriage even before that. If she is to have the privilege of your services going forward, you get to mandate X Y and Z, or she's out on the street, looking for someone else's attention.



They have used skype to talk to one another.. I see that she has used her email account, just not to email him.


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## disappointed123

So.. I had a talk with the wife last night. She agreed to sending a NC letter, she agreed to give me her email, facebook, myspace passwords. She did not, however, agree to giving me access to her phone. She stated 'I need some privacy, thats not fair!' I told her that I would give her all of my information in exchange, but she said no. This tells me that she has gone farther underground with the guy - i.e. made a new email account somewhere and is using her iphone to access it.

I told her without that information - no go. She said she hadnt talked to him since saturday - I said that I didnt believe that she just suddenly went from 'I ache for you' to no contact just like that, and that since she is so protective of her phone - she is still talking to him. I told her that I would be contacting a lawyer very soon. She dripped a few crocodile tears and left.

I have drafted a letter - ready to send to the OM's HR department and will be mailing it a little later today. Im pretty shocked that she would throw away our marriage for some guy that she doesnt even know. Not sure how to find his wife - but I am still searching.


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## lordmayhem

I agree, the fact that she refuses access to the iPhone is a *clear indication that she has just gone underground* using the iPhone. There are already so many messaging apps you can download for iPhone, or she has a secret email account that she accesses with the iPhone.

Continue your investigation into the identity and contact information for the OMW.


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## lordmayhem

disappointed123 said:


> Im pretty shocked that she would throw away our marriage for some guy that she doesnt even know.


It really is shocking when you think about it. But it's not really surprising once you know how EAs are just as dangerous if not more, to marriages. Some of these WS's fall so deeply into the fog, that the can throw aways years of marriage and children, for their affair partner. Take a look at HurtinginTN's threads.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/22170-dealing-ongoing-emotional-affair.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24095-synopsis-update-ongoing-emotional-affair.html

Or how about when you've been married for two decades to a spouse who reconnects with an old high school love thru facebook or some other social networking site? They can very quickly fall into love and have no problem thinking about throwing away years of marriage and children. My own WW very nearly went that route. It shocked me. She hadn't seen this guy in over 25 years and she was already planning to go to another country to be with him. 

EAs are very very bad news. They give their heart and soul to their affair partner sometimes.


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## Eli-Zor

Good for you holding the line, that letter must be sent so it is signed for by the recipient , cc the chairman as well , if you know his boss or the department he works for send a copy there as well. This ensures that it is not brushed away by the company, they will call him in even if no action is taken he is aware you are tracking him and will fear you, he is likely to be brave on the outside but inside it will be a different story.

I think you may have to consider exposing this to one or two of her best friends , if D is where this may head telling them ensures they know the truth.

Carry on searching for his wife, siblings or even friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

You may have to hire a PI to follow him home, it could be the quickest way to finding out where he stays. As you do not know what he looks like the PI will need to be creative in identifying him e.g a parcel requiring his signiture and ID can draw him out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

This all seems so incredibly stupid.. She is talking to some guy who lives so far away, who is so much older and has a wife. What in god's green earth are you thinking? 

Its almost like, if this was just some stupid sex that she had with some guy she cared nothing about - it would be easier to take.. but the non-stop emailing, constant lovey dovey BS - confiding everything in him is much more painful. She just has this thing in her head that she cant 'talk to me' but he is such a great listener! OF course he is a great listener, all guys are when they want in a woman's panties.


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## Eli-Zor

As said before an EA has a greater hold than a PA they sincerely believe they are in love. This is especially true for most woman in affairs , the OM is playing her for some attention and she is now deep in La La land. Hence the uncompromising line you must follow and once the OM starts feeling the heat the love is not quite what they thought it was.

You have said her parents know are they in the loop as to the latest happenings ? and is she staying with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

On a side note make sure you exercise, eat and sleep well . This is going to be draining. 

Hire an attorney and start the D make sure he makes it difficult for her and pull no punches in filling for adultery or if your state does not allow it use it as one of the reasons , name the OM therein . The D can always be withdrawn should you choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

disappointed123 said:


> This all seems so incredibly stupid.. She is talking to some guy who lives so far away, who is so much older and has a wife. What in god's green earth are you thinking?
> 
> Its almost like, if this was just some stupid sex that she had with some guy she cared nothing about - it would be easier to take.. but the non-stop emailing, constant lovey dovey BS - confiding everything in him is much more painful. She just has this thing in her head that she cant 'talk to me' but he is such a great listener! OF course he is a great listener, all guys are when they want in a woman's panties.


I've been hearing about facial recognition software on facebook and google. You might want to check it out. That is if his pictures are of a good enough quality. I would also check to see if he is posting pictures of your wife. He sounds like a perv. Sure am sorry to see you goin through this good luck.


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## Lily_B

So sorry you are going thru this. It is difficult to understand, I too am floored that my H went from seeing the OW every Friday night to zero in a matter of 24hrs and he expects me to believe it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Here is an update for everyone. It appears that her parents finally put their foot down as well. I had told her dad pretty much everything a while back - he finally went to her and told her that she was being an idiot, and that she needed to get her head out of her you-know-what or she would need to find somewhere else to live immediately. Both her parents and I appear to have provided enough tough love to snap her out of her delusion.

She came over friday night, and agreed to everything - including full phone access, etc. If she had a second email account set up on her phone, its not there anymore. I have full access to the bank account and all credit cards. No signs of a second phone. She agrees that she was being completely immature and idiotic, and that she has not talked to the guy since last saturday. Whether or not this was his idea or not, I am unsure. I had her write a no contact email and BCC it to me. (I was standing right there when she wrote it, and did not tell her what to write) I snail mailed a letter to his work as well.

I give her tons and tons of rope, and let her do whatever she wants practically. I respect her need for some freedom, and her own time, and friends. However, I told her that if I find out she is still talking to this guy, I will throw her out immediately - no excuses. If she does that with some other guy, I will throw her out. If she disrespects me in any way like that again, i will throw her out, tell all of her friends, tell her parents and post the naughty emails and photos in a anonymous blog and blast it all to her entire contact list. Maybe thats fairly rough, but with I dont plan on being made a fool of without some repercussions.

She seemed to be genuinely sorry for everything she did. She moved back in starting friday night, and we had a really good weekend together. She was more caring, and sweet than she has been in a long time, and even used her phone less than I had seen her use it in a long time. 

Thanks, everyone, for your advice. Im going to continue to monitor what she does for a while - just keeping a lookout for a second email address, since this is still a possibility.


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## lordmayhem

Thats great news disappointed123! 

Now keep monitoring and on alert for any fishing. In most cases, one of the affair partners will attempt to break NC and attempt to fish for renewed contact, and as heavily involved as your WW was with her OM, she's likely to be the one who might fish. It can be something as simple as "How have you been" "Just checking to see if you're ok" "I miss you", etc, etc. 

In my case, I intercepted both attempts to fish from my WWs OM. He fished 3 weeks later, then tried fishing via phone a little more than a month later.

As you might have read, consider using a VAR, its a great way of detecting any secret cell phone. Looking out for a secret email address is also a good idea.

Just remember this chart by Fighting2Survive before beginning the process of R. If you don't get true remorse from her, its only sweeping it under the rug. Make sure she deserves the precious, precious gift of R that you are offering her.


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## Eli-Zor

So far so good, check with her what her second account may be, she may claim she has none, experience tell us differently. A flag on the NC letter , other BS have done something similar to you unfortunalty the WW has a second mail account and told the OM to ignore the nc letter. The exposure to his work is great . 

She should have a view where he stays , I would still spend some effort on informing his wife. She should also be going through some serious withdrawal , not slight withdrawal but obvious ones , if you do not see this behaviour then she is still in contact.

FYI a hand written letter is often better as it takes away the misnomer that the BS forced her to write it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> So far so good, check with her what her second account may be, she may claim she has none, experience tell us differently. A flag on the NC letter , other BS have done something similar to you unfortunalty the WW has a second mail account and told the OM to ignore the nc letter. The exposure to his work is great .
> 
> She should have a view where he stays , I would still spend some effort on informing his wife. She should also be going through some serious withdrawal , not slight withdrawal but obvious ones , if you do not see this behaviour then she is still in contact.
> 
> FYI a hand written letter is often better as it takes away the misnomer that the BS forced her to write it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do think she is going through withdrawal.. We were having a great time on saturday, and after getting home we were relaxing on the couch and she started crying for apparently no reason.. She was weeping silently, but I noticed. I asked what was wrong, and she said that she is sad this all happened and feels stupid, etc. Im wondering if it was a symptom of 'missing' the other guy..She also cried on sunday when we were in bed together - she said it was because it had been a long time since she felt sexy. She doesnt cry often, so twice in the same weekend is unusual.


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## Eli-Zor

It looks like you are in a good place , be vigilant and verify, don't make it a life mission as it will wear you down. As for the OM , at your pace track him and notify his wife, he must not be free to send out feelers .. You may want to close her email account , if he knows where she works I would consider a plan for her to leave and change her job , it's all part of trust , everything she does from now on is to return the trust in your marriage. Hopefully she will not contact the OM and recovery can occur.

Try reading "surviving an affair" by Harley it gives you tips on recovery, start regular date nights, talk talk and talk some more and listen , it will take time for this affair to fall into the background , it will never go away but will be reduced allowing your marriage to be more rewarding.

If you have no objection go to IC for yourself , the trend is for the BS to start getting angry and very frustrated, best you warn her before hand as tonsome of the side effect know to happen to BS , she should be patient with you when this happens.

Best wishes for the future
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

So it sounds like for now you are going to try R over D. The next 3-4 weeks are going to be critical. That's when the tempation to reconnect with the OM/OW is at it's peak. She needs to take her medicine, suffer through the withdrawal for awhile. Bear with her on that.

But in the end, you had lots of other complaints about your W. Big ones. Ending the A is just Step 1. You guys have a lot to work on once that is squashed for good. Don't think you can just get back to normal once you've gotten her to end it. Constant communication and counseling are in order for you to decide whether you can move forward or not.


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## F-102

Sounds good so far!


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## 8yearscheating

SOunds like the tide is turning disappointed. She will have some withdrawl but won't voice it you. Just remember do no harm. If you start to get angry take a time out. Don't interrogate, write out questions and give her time to answer. DOn't go into gory details, they are not worth it. Remember questions like why can't be answered honestly right now. She needs time to face herself which she starting to do, time to forgive herself and then time with an IC to figure that out. Fast is slow, slow is quick, quick is smooth.


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## sigma1299

Eli-Zor said:


> She should also be going through some serious withdrawal , not slight withdrawal but obvious ones , if you do not see this behaviour then she is still in contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As someone who's been through it - this is really good advice.


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## Amplexor

disappointed123 said:


> I do think she is going through withdrawal.. We were having a great time on saturday, and after getting home we were relaxing on the couch and she started crying for apparently no reason.. She was weeping silently, but I noticed. I asked what was wrong, and she said that she is sad this all happened and feels stupid, etc. Im wondering if it was a symptom of 'missing' the other guy...


Glad to hear the positive news D. Grieving is a natural and required process she will need to go through. If she was emotionally attached to him, it will take a little time. She may also go through a period of resentment towards you for making her end it. Normal also. Stay alert and make sure she has ended all contact but be prepared for your reaction if she stubs her toe. That may happen so think it through. If you manage to get passed this situation, you will need to seek IC for her or this behavior will likely repeat down the road. Based on what you have posted in this thread, your wife has some very deep and serious issues she needs to deal with and a professional needs to be involved in that. Good luck.


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> I do think she is going through withdrawal.. We were having a great time on saturday, and after getting home we were relaxing on the couch and she started crying for apparently no reason.. She was weeping silently, but I noticed. I asked what was wrong, and she said that she is sad this all happened and feels stupid, etc. Im wondering if it was a symptom of 'missing' the other guy..She also cried on sunday when we were in bed together - she said it was because it had been a long time since she felt sexy. She doesnt cry often, so twice in the same weekend is unusual.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## disappointed123

I was putting some of my wife's clothes away yesterday in one of her dresser drawers and found a whole bunch of drawings.. My wife is an artist, by the way - these drawings were cartoons of her and this guy together, or little gestures to him, or what have you. They are super detailed, intricate, full colour drawings and cards. Some of them include her and he together doing silly things like wearing bear suits, or she and he on the phone together or texting, and a couple birthday cards.. nothing sexual, but one or two (out of 15 or more!!) were somewhat romantic - the 'in another life we could be together' sort of thing. Finding 15 or 20 pieces of artwork that your wife made for another man kind of made me sick. These things must have taken a couple of hours each to make. 

What do I do? Do I confront her about these things and tell her to get rid of them immediately, or would the better option be to wait for the relationship 'dust' to settle and bring up that I found those pictures and it disturbs me? She obviously spent a whole lot of time on these - and they are actually pretty cool - if they weren't for some other dude. She has been on the phone way way less than normail since she has been back, and I have not seen any new email from the guy. Do you think in a week or so, I should 'find' them and tell her to please get them out of the house?


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## Eli-Zor

Why wait, be calm and start a conversation about triggers and ask her if she is still hanging on to him, see what she says , either way then bring out the pictures place them so both of you can see them and then ask if she feels that these images and the time and effort she spent on then do not hurt you. Be calm listen but do not accept any lies or excuses. Ask , don't force her, if she can destroy them in your presence, if she says no then I suggest you play hard ball and help her pack her bags. 

She should if she is genuine be willing to destroy them, while you are at it ask her if there is any thing else she should tell you or show you .

It is absolutely key you are calm, listen, are non threatening in words and posture but are firm , say you love her and such items hurt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating

I agree with Eli


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## disappointed123

For an update - it appears my wife has gotten a secondary 'secret' email account and has changed her phone password. I hadnt been checking her phone or anything, but the other night we were out - I was at the atm getting cash. While I had my back turned she whipped out her phone, looked at it, typed something, then put it back very quickly before I was done. (I saw in the atm mirror) At dinner I situated us where her back was to the bathroom.. I excused myself and went to the bathroom.. then came back quietly to see that she was using email - I noted the name on the email (it was the OM) Her primary email address has no such email. Im assuming she got a new email account, then deleted all traces of getting it from her present email. She has been very very sly about using email on her phone only when I am not in the room, or gone. 

She no longer uses her laptop at all for email - just her phone. She has gone so far as to turn off wifi when she checks her email from the phone. Pretty much, just gone deep under cover. All for some married dude who is twice her age.. I havent confronted her about anything yet. I am waiting for a good time to seize assets, close the bank account, turn off phone and insurance. For now she thinks we are 'in recovery doing fine!' but we are not. Im working on a scheme to retrieve his cell number via social engineering, and with that I should be able to gain all the knowledge I need to ruin his marriage too. Right now, I am trying to figure out how I can grab the data from her iphone 4 without knowing the passcode. Not sure how, since she sleeps with her head ON the phone and brings the laptop to work with her every day. Its funny, she has been bringing the laptop to work for the last week or two - but looking at the laptop - she has not used it at all.. Its like she is just keeping it from me. Anyway.. if anyone has any clue on how to take a backup of a passcoded iphone - let me know.. Im not sure HOW Im going to get it out of her clutches for 20 minutes.

Thanks


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## Amplexor

Sorry to hear this. If she won't end the relationship then it is time to end the marriage. Exposure may be the only tool left for recovery or it may just be a parting blow. At this point sounds like you've had enough and I certainly can understand that. Keep you emotions in check and take the high road with her. Sorry, can't help you with the iPhone. Good luck.


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## Eli-Zor

I would move a fast pace, when she is asleep simply take the phone, switch it off and hide it away. You dont need any further evidence so don't fret about it. Move the assets fast and as you have both a WW and an OM to deal with I suggest you a few things, prep an exposure to a large group of your wifes friends and family , mentioning the affair her commitment to the marriage and her taking it underground. I recall you saying you sent the OM's company a letter. What you want is a listing of all their directors and a well worded factual letter sent via fedex or such like to them all cc them all openly on the master copy. Send a copy to him as well . Use the template exposure letter as it was written in such a way that there is no legal reprecussion to you.

I think you will have to hire a PI to follow OM home. 

Don't take to long to expose , catch as many of his coworkers or family as you can in the exposure. 

I am sure we don't have to tell you to be cool, calm and collected. 

It is normal for most waywards to take it underground , the affair has to die because they want it to die, don't blink say little do lots.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Other than having a camera to note her password , breaking into an iPhone can be a daunting task.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

Is the phone in your name? You can try calling AT&T and say your teen son put on a password by accident and see if they can reset your phone, it worked for my xbox (when my sin accidentally set a parental password but I proved i was the owner)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

See if you can get a duplicate laptop and put a message on it for when she turns it on, saying that you found out that she is STILL in contact with the OM, etc..., then switch it for when she goes out in the morning. Maybe you can do it with the cell, too.


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## disappointed123

Almostrecovered said:


> Is the phone in your name? You can try calling AT&T and say your teen son put on a password by accident and see if they can reset your phone, it worked for my xbox (when my sin accidentally set a parental password but I proved i was the owner)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont think they can do that. Im going to try and take it while she sleeps, but that may be difficult as she basically sleeps with it under her pillow. Im fairly sure I can get a backup of it - even with a passcode. If I can, I can get all of her keychain info as well since I have a keychain breaker.


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## Almostrecovered

If I can be the tooth fairy then you can get the phone 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating

Good luck Disappointed!


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## Shaggy

How does she explain the change from "full transparency, including cell phone access" to sleeping with it and password protecting it?

you should call her on her two faced commitment to the marriage.


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## Shaggy

How about sitting her down and saying clearly to her: "You agreed to full transparency. I've noticed your phone once again has a password, and you're not showing it to me. You've got a choice. Hand me the phone, or leave the house. We are either working on this marriage, or it is over. It is in your hands. Which do you choose?"

No games, so secrecy, nothing else other than calling her bluf.

Tell her that you've done what you can to end the EA, but she didn't put any effort into it. So now she can leave, get a new phone and carry on with him. But you, you're done.


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## sigma1299

Can you pull the sim card out and make a copy so you have time to crack it? But, I think you're getting too caught up in CSI. I think you need to sit her down and say let me see it all right or your refusal to do so says enough and go pack. There's only one reason to keep a secret from your spouse...


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## MrQuatto

id also look at using a VAR to see if the are talking while you aren't around


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## CH

Maybe it's time to walk out the door and give her a taste of GTFO?

Sometimes it takes a hard hand to make people realize that it's my way or out the door. My wife had to do that before I even heard a word she was saying to me. When you're presented with GTFO out my life and don't ever come back, you start listening pretty fast at that point.

If you saw the OM's name on her phone when she was using the e-mail what more evidence do you need, NC is NC, no exceptions.

If she walks out because you're setting boundries to help your marriage then you know your answer from her of what she wants from your marriage, and it's not you. If she stays and gives full access then you know she wants to work on the marriage.

BTW, you saw, you have evidence and you did nothing. You just went back to being the ignorant chump again, gratz to you I guess?

YOU HAVE THE EVIDENCE, YOU SAW THE OM's NAME ON THE PHONE YOURSELF, what other proof do you need.

So, are you just gonna bury your head in the sand and give the BS excuse that you need time to research and find more proof, or are you gonna grab your balls and take back control.


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## Shaggy

At this point telling anything to the OM is pointless. He know's she married, and he doesn't care. She is the one that must stop contacting him.

Keep his address handy however. You may want it down the road.

You do need to confront her. You need to demand her to come clean or to leave. She must face the consequences of her continuing actions.

All this other stuff you're thinking about and planning is all just distraction from dealing with the real issue. She's secretly messaging someone behind your back. She may be even contacting that someone in person. She needs to come clean for the marriage to survive. Each day you delay, the more days of your life you are wasting.


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## Runs like Dog

I'm not a fan of destroying the village in order to save it. What is Pyrrhic victory worth to you?


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## 8yearscheating

In terms of contacting the OM's wife, wait until things settle down. Don 't bother with the OM, it won't matter. If things don't settle down in a week or two, THEN find his wife and give her all the evidence you have but NOT how you got it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

8yearscheating said:


> In terms of contacting the OM's wife, wait until things settle down. Don 't bother with the OM, it won't matter. If things don't settle down in a week or two, THEN find his wife and give her all the evidence you have but NOT how you got it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you mean 'settle down' ? Im not sure how to find this guy's wife.. he is a contractor, and no longer works at the place I found.. none of the addresses I have for him are current either - I even paid for a background check service.. I just dont get it.. He is 20 years older than her, fat, married, and sloppy. I know she is getting a thrill out of this, but what does she think will happen in the end? Its so confusing to me.. As a family, we have so much going for us.. To throw it all away for something that has absolutely no chance... its beyond stupid.


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## F-102

D123, I've said it to others, and I'll say it to you: Sometimes, the best way to make someone see what they will lose, is to let them lose it. 

When she sees that her fantasy is going to rot and implode, she'll be back to you, begging for a second chance.

It is up to you whether or not to take her back.


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## disappointed123

F-102 said:


> D123, I've said it to others, and I'll say it to you: Sometimes, the best way to make someone see what they will lose, is to let them lose it.
> 
> When she sees that her fantasy is going to rot and implode, she'll be back to you, begging for a second chance.
> 
> It is up to you whether or not to take her back.


Yeah.. Im really seeing that now. I feel for her kid (who I really think is my own kid by this point).. He is an awesome kid who just started K today... She is working non-stop and I am basically taking care of him during the week. Ive been taking this crap for too long though, a second d-day is coming up I am thinking. I totally do not look forward to it. I just have to be strong, do not cry, do not show emotion. I need to say, Im sorry - but I cannot live like this. I love you, but you need to either a> end it, or b> leave in order for me to feel like a whole person again. 

I really just think she is using me until she has enough money saved up that she will move out easily. I am not going to wait until that day. She is going ot have to sleep on a couch or two, and beg for help from friends - since her parents are on my side. I will figure out a game plan and execute it today or tomorrow.


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## nada

F-102 said:


> Change all of the locks on the house, then park a U-haul in your driveway, put all of her stuff in it, and when she comes home and sees it and has the nerve to ask the inevitable "You're leaving?", just toss her the keys and say : "No, YOU are." Then when she tries to follow you into the house (she won't be able to get in, as you changed the locks), threaten to call the police.
> 
> You'll be AMAZED how fast you become the most important person in her life again!


:iagree::iagree:


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## nada

disappointed123 said:


> I appreciate all of you guys questioning my manhood so fervently. Ive been asking for advice, not insults. Thanks. Im slightly more mature than to make some dumb scene with a friend of ours and her boyfriend while they are all drunk.
> 
> Anyway. I waited until saturday to confront her with the new information. She lied, I showed evidence. I told her that I needed to send a no contact letter. She said no. I said that she needs to go away until she figures out what she wants.
> 
> She has been at her parents since then.


It's time to change the locks!:smthumbup:


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## nada

jnj express said:


> Stop with wasting your time on her lover-----you need to step up your war on your wife
> 
> Go after her thru her parents----If you end up in D., they know they are gonna have to put out money to help her, I doubt at their age they really wanna do that
> 
> Dry her up financially---cancel her CC's, and put all marital finances in an acct with only you on the acct
> 
> Tell her she is now responsible for half of all utilities, half of all insurance payments, car and home---she is responsible for half of the mortgage, and half of the car payment---she is responsible for her own medical insurance------
> 
> Get in her face the next time she tries to blameshift---tell her you know what,--- go out and find someone else who will put up with the crap that she throws at you------also tell her when she got married she gave up her right to privacy, so you will look at anything you need to in re: what she is doing.
> 
> Also cut off her cellphone---and even her computer----just let her face reality------tell her you will not stay in a mge., where she continues to disrespect you---and her being in contact with another man, FOR ANY REASON is complete and total disrespect---
> 
> Whatever you do at this point DO NOT TAKE HER BACK, unless she agrees to all of your boundaries, and sends the NC


:iagree::iagree:

Excellent idea!!! Let her smell reality without your support.


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## Eli-Zor

The key on this is the pace and speed you act on, after securing yourself , confront her. Do not wait to long and ensure her parents know that she back to the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> The key on this is the pace and speed you act on, after securing yourself , confront her. Do not wait to long and ensure her parents know that she back to the OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think I should contact him.. tell him, in a polite but stern manner, to stay the **** away from my wife? This is a 50 year old man we are talking about, my wife is in her 20s. He should know better. Ill try to make it clear that I am not spying on her emails anymore, but I know just by actions that they are still in contact.. He needs to not call her, not email her, not do anything. If he does not reply, and contacts her, tells her I emailed, etc.. I will get a private investigator and find his wife and tell her vividly in all gory details of hard evidence. I truly think my wife needs professional help - badly. 


Or should I skip talking to him, and just go straight for a PI? Not sure how Im going to get one with our finances so wrapped up together.

p.s. I finally found a pic of the guy.. he is not attractive, chubby, and has a freaking wayward eye.. I mean, what a kick in the nuts for me.. She sends naked pictures of herself and fantasizes about an old, ugly, out of shape man when she has a verile, attractive, man who loves her at home.. This is really tearing me up. I feel like flying to visit this guy and shoving my foot up his a$$.. but it almost seems like its not his fault, she is chasing and chasing and chasing..


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## 8yearscheating

Don't compare yourself. Have tried intelus?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

She probably sees this EA as "safe", because he lives far away and there is no physical contact, in keeping with the mentality that "it's not cheating if there's no sex".

She's getting the emotional attention that she wants from him, but getting the essentials (house, money, stability) from you.

But stop and ask yourself: if she's willing to risk destroying her M over Quasimodo, what is she gonna do if a young, handsome stud who happens to be conveniently close starts feeding her lines?


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## disappointed123

F-102 said:


> She probably sees this EA as "safe", because he lives far away and there is no physical contact, in keeping with the mentality that "it's not cheating if there's no sex".
> 
> She's getting the emotional attention that she wants from him, but getting the essentials (house, money, stability) from you.
> 
> But stop and ask yourself: if she's willing to risk destroying her M over Quasimodo, what is she gonna do if a young, handsome stud who happens to be conveniently close starts feeding her lines?



From their conversations they are planning to meet in person sometime in the next few months..


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## disappointed123

8yearscheating said:


> Don't compare yourself. Have tried intelus?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is intelius only for use in the US?


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## 8yearscheating

Why is this guy outside the US?

Here's a link. It costs to do a one time full background. Be careful becuase I've had flase results come back on reverse lookup of cell phone numbers but generally, they are accurate on names and addresses, owned properties, etc.


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## 8yearscheating

SOrry - here's the link People Search | Background Check | Reverse Cell Phone Lookup - Intelius.com


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## disappointed123

8yearscheating said:


> Why is this guy outside the US?
> 
> Here's a link. It costs to do a one time full background. Be careful becuase I've had flase results come back on reverse lookup of cell phone numbers but generally, they are accurate on names and addresses, owned properties, etc.


He lives just 'over the border'...


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## 8yearscheating

ot sure about Cannucks - email them and find out?


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## Eli-Zor

Go straight for the PI , you not only want his wifes detail, children but siblings and friends as well. This guy is secure in the knowledge that you can't get to him. In the mean time out your wife , do not give her the bandwidth to move on at your expense , the longer you wait the more prep work she gets under her belt . The OM can be outed as and when you track him down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating

Try these:
efindoutthetruth.com is sort of like it, canada411.ca is a free person search

Canada: Free Background Checks - Free Public Records Links


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## F-102

Plans to meet up with him.

Are you going to allow it?


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## disappointed123

F-102 said:


> Plans to meet up with him.
> 
> Are you going to allow it?


No.. Im getting my finances in order, and once that is done I am going to yank the carpet from under her. I have all the evidence I need that she is sneaking around behind my back still. A couple more weeks of this - and then her world will become very difficult.. 

Right now she is working alot of hours, I am taking the kid to school in the morning and picking him up. However, she is making alot of money and I need it. (We got short while I was the sole breadwinner for the last 5 months, and need to catch up on my mortgage. The house is in my name only, and I purchased it before we were married) Within a a couple of weeks or so - my finances will be stable and I will have another confrontation. No emotion. I will state to her very clearly that she needs to stop contact, or find another babysitter, a place to live, and man to cuckhold. I have already set up a bank account in my name, and have already purchased new door locks. I am prepared to cancel her car insurance, health insurance, phone, and empty 'our' bank account into my bank account. Her car is in my name only - I have a spare key and will take it away. She will be royally and absolutely screwed. her parents are on my side, and will not allow her to stay with them. The kid's father is out of town for another 5 months also, so there is nobody to drive him around either. Have fun with that.

Im just smiling and pretending I dont know anything is going on while the money rolls in. Sure, she could be doing the same.. However, I know she would wait until her job is through to do anything since Im her free babysitter. I wont wait that long.. all I need is another couple of weeks.


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## sam83

disappointed123 said:


> No.. Im getting my finances in order, and once that is done I am going to yank the carpet from under her. I have all the evidence I need that she is sneaking around behind my back still. A couple more weeks of this - and then her world will become very difficult..
> 
> Right now she is working alot of hours, I am taking the kid to school in the morning and picking him up. However, she is making alot of money and I need it. (We got short while I was the sole breadwinner for the last 5 months, and need to catch up on my mortgage. The house is in my name only, and I purchased it before we were married) Within a a couple of weeks or so - my finances will be stable and I will have another confrontation. No emotion. I will state to her very clearly that she needs to stop contact, or find another babysitter, a place to live, and man to cuckhold. I have already set up a bank account in my name, and have already purchased new door locks. I am prepared to cancel her car insurance, health insurance, phone, and empty 'our' bank account into my bank account. Her car is in my name only - I have a spare key and will take it away. She will be royally and absolutely screwed. her parents are on my side, and will not allow her to stay with them. The kid's father is out of town for another 5 months also, so there is nobody to drive him around either. Have fun with that.
> 
> Im just smiling and pretending I dont know anything is going on while the money rolls in. Sure, she could be doing the same.. However, I know she would wait until her job is through to do anything since Im her free babysitter. I wont wait that long.. all I need is another couple of weeks.


That's man that's it 

glad to see some one doing it right


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## F-102

I like the cut of your jib!


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## tryinhard999

In my opinion, a situation like this requires a shock to her system. She is deep in the fog, emotionally addicted to this man, and she'll never see her way out just because you want her to.

At this point, you should file for divorce. Make that the default action that happens if she does nothing (or not enough). What she's doing is unacceptable in a marriage. You've given her a chance to fix it, and she didn't. It's time for you to take control.


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## Gabriel

Pretty sure that's what he is doing by cancelling all her stuff, etc. The D papers can be the last bomb. He's getting his ducks in a row. Looking foward to hearing how it goes when the rug is pulled.


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## disappointed123

Here is an interesting twist that has been thrown into the mix:

I just got a job offer that is about 200 miles away from where I am living now. I had this offer once before, but declined because of being married and the difficulty in moving the entire family. The job offer now includes 10k in relocation and a salary bump of 38% from my current salary. 

Wow, am I ever confused now. 

10 grand would go a long way to giving me absolute financial freedom, not to mention that much more money. However, moving would take away any chance of reconciliation. 

Im not going to tell her about the job offer as of yet.

Ugh, my I have a lump in my throat - this is all really starting to become very, very real instead of some surreal dream that I have been living. Its scary.


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## Eli-Zor

Look at it as good news, a gift from heaven that gives you options. File for separation, accept the job, sell the house and move . Don't delay to long as it may take away a chance of a materially better state of life.

Do not mention anything to your wife, plan the detail and work to the plan. If or when it comes to you moving you have no reason to explain yourself other than to say that it is she who is causing the hurt and betrayal. 

Once you out her , and if she wishes to reconcile then it is on your terms one of which is you move. 

Check with your attorney as you do not want her claiming any part of your pre-marriage monies.


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## Gabriel

If I were in your shoes, I would see that as a sign. 

I am not a person who tries to tell people to give up marriages. Not at all. But in your case...

1) you said your W was selfish, and everything she buys is for her, resented you getting a car but has no problem with you buying her one.

2) you said she demands you compliment her, etc, yet she never compliments you, etc.

3) you said she has serious issues about her self esteem, to the point your lives are always about her

4) despite you taking very good care of her child, she talks to other men behind your back

5) you confronted her, showed her the email evidence, she moved out for awhile, stayed with parents who didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, so she came back to try to work things out and go NC

6) when she thought she was safe again, she went behind your back again, took further precautions to hide it, lied about her actions AGAIN, even after you gave her another chance

7) and NOW, you get a job offer 200 miles away that increases your pay 38%, in one of the worst economies we've ever seen in the US.

You have a perfect additional out. If it were me, I would hold off on taking the job (if this is possible) until maybe a day or two before you pull the rug out from under her, as you say. Then tell her, "And by the way, I got a job offer in (said city). I start in 2 weeks (or whatever). I'll be moving there here pretty soon. I've given you a chance to come clean and work this out, but you've decided not to, so I have to move on."

Then, ignore her immediate pleas for you to reconsider, and do it. You can't listen to anything she says for a few days. Once you move there, she will be a total wreck. Her security blanket is gone. The man she has been USING is gone, and her parents won't take her side. They'll likely let her live with them though, if anything, for the sake of their grandson. 

At that point, she may tell you how sorry she is, and want to follow you to where you are. You can say, "Well, I don't know. You've broken my trust so many times. I'll have to think about it." Make her beg and meet very strict conditions for going there with you, if you even want her there at that.

I realize this is easier said than done, but I believe things happen for a reason, and this job is a sign.


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## disappointed123

Gabriel said:


> If I were in your shoes, I would see that as a sign.
> 
> I am not a person who tries to tell people to give up marriages. Not at all. But in your case...
> 
> 1) you said your W was selfish, and everything she buys is for her, resented you getting a car but has no problem with you buying her one.
> 
> 2) you said she demands you compliment her, etc, yet she never compliments you, etc.
> 
> 3) you said she has serious issues about her self esteem, to the point your lives are always about her
> 
> 4) despite you taking very good care of her child, she talks to other men behind your back
> 
> 5) you confronted her, showed her the email evidence, she moved out for awhile, stayed with parents who didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, so she came back to try to work things out and go NC
> 
> 6) when she thought she was safe again, she went behind your back again, took further precautions to hide it, lied about her actions AGAIN, even after you gave her another chance
> 
> 7) and NOW, you get a job offer 200 miles away that increases your pay 38%, in one of the worst economies we've ever seen in the US.
> 
> You have a perfect additional out. If it were me, I would hold off on taking the job (if this is possible) until maybe a day or two before you pull the rug out from under her, as you say. Then tell her, "And by the way, I got a job offer in (said city). I start in 2 weeks (or whatever). I'll be moving there here pretty soon. I've given you a chance to come clean and work this out, but you've decided not to, so I have to move on."
> 
> Then, ignore her immediate pleas for you to reconsider, and do it. You can't listen to anything she says for a few days. Once you move there, she will be a total wreck. Her security blanket is gone. The man she has been USING is gone, and her parents won't take her side. They'll likely let her live with them though, if anything, for the sake of their grandson.
> 
> At that point, she may tell you how sorry she is, and want to follow you to where you are. You can say, "Well, I don't know. You've broken my trust so many times. I'll have to think about it." Make her beg and meet very strict conditions for going there with you, if you even want her there at that.
> 
> I realize this is easier said than done, but I believe things happen for a reason, and this job is a sign.



Sounds great and all, but my stomach is in knots.. I applied for the job on a whim - not really wanting to move so far away from my friends, and I love the job Im at now.. I know for a fact, if I take the job, she will not move with me and that will be that.


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## Eli-Zor

> I know for a fact, if I take the job, she will not move with me and that will be that.


There is a higher chance that once you expose her affair she won't be your wife. You are thinking like a pre-affair spouse , your wife is in an affair, that changes all the dynamics and everything is on the table, especially your future well being.


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> There is a higher chance that once you expose her affair she won't be your wife. You are thinking like a pre-affair spouse , your wife is in an affair, that changes all the dynamics and everything is on the table, especially your future well being.


I just mean that once she comes to her senses, which I dont think will take very long - since the guy lives so far away, and she will see how good she had it with me - we will have practically no chance of reconciliation if I move.


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## F-102

Look at it this way: now you have more options.


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## Mike11

disappointed123 said:


> I just mean that once she comes to her senses, which I dont think will take very long - since the guy lives so far away, and she will see how good she had it with me - we will have practically no chance of reconciliation if I move.


A spouse who wants reconciliation will move heaven and earth to be with her Husband


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## disappointed123

Mike11 said:


> A spouse who wants reconciliation will move heaven and earth to be with her Husband


Not going to happen.. she is more addicted to this 'relationship' than I think most crack heads are.. SHe emails first thing in the morning and right before going to sleep.. for example, they have exchanged 32 emails today already.. and its only 11:30.

Im seeing that she has a serious personality disorder. We were sitting on the couch and I was looking at my phone checking some work emails and she actually had the nerve to act jealous and ask what I was doing on my phone. 

This situation is so messed up.

She also lied to her BEST friend about it.. she went to her and told her that she was 'talking to someone' and I found out about it. The friend got pissed at her and said things like 'Im really disappointed in you, and you really shouldnt be married if this is how you want to act' and 'the thought of you cheating makes me sick' So she sort of backtracked saying 'oh well I was just talking, he's just a friend, and my H spied on me and got jealous and took it the wrong way - its nothing romantic or anything' SHe actually said 'its not like i sent him naked pictures or anything'.. Wow.. just wow. it appears - from her text messages - that she has only told her best friend and one other person. Both of whom she has lied to about the severity of it.


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## Almostrecovered

disappointed123 said:


> Not going to happen.. she is more addicted to this 'relationship' than I think most crack heads are.. SHe emails first thing in the morning and right before going to sleep.. for example, they have exchanged 32 emails today already.. and its only 11:30.
> 
> Im seeing that she has a serious personality disorder. We were sitting on the couch and I was looking at my phone checking some work emails and she actually had the nerve to act jealous and ask what I was doing on my phone.
> 
> This situation is so messed up.
> 
> She also lied to her BEST friend about it.. she went to her and told her that she was 'talking to someone' and I found out about it. The friend got pissed at her and said things like 'Im really disappointed in you, and you really shouldnt be married if this is how you want to act' and 'the thought of you cheating makes me sick' So she sort of backtracked saying 'oh well I was just talking, he's just a friend, and my H spied on me and got jealous and took it the wrong way - its nothing romantic or anything' SHe actually said 'its not like i sent him naked pictures or anything'.. Wow.. just wow. it appears - from her text messages - that she has only told her best friend and one other person. Both of whom she has lied to about the severity of it.


maybe set her friend straight, she could be a good ally


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## Mike11

At this point IMHO, you need to let her go, from what I am reading from your posts only hard reality will knock her out of this 

You cannot compete with a fantasy , you will never win 
I don't want to tell you what to do as this is solely your decision but in you are enabling her to some extent by staying with her 

I know it is hard but you will never win like that


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## Gabriel

Mike11 said:


> At this point IMHO, you need to let her go, from what I am reading from your posts only hard reality will knock her out of this
> 
> You cannot compete with a fantasy , you will never win
> I don't want to tell you what to do as this is solely your decision but in you are enabling her to some extent by staying with her
> 
> I know it is hard but you will never win like that


:iagree:

If I'm you I take the job - like I said, it's a sign. Maybe this woman will learn from this massive mistake and fix it for her next relationship.


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## Eli-Zor

Part of the strategy to break the affair is to be honest, telling the truth - not a diluted version, telling her friend the absolute truth protects you. There is no need to delay this part, don't mention she is still in the affair but do set the record straight. To move forward you must assume your marriage is over, this attitude does not mean it is or you do not want to reconcile , what is does do is let you understand that you have lost her and either she goes and you are able to move on with your life or she decides to reconcile on the marriage terms.

Fight for your marriage but expect and plan for a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

I wish I could stop watching her email.. its making me sick.. she is at work, and is taking lunch.. she asks him to call her at lunch and he says 'im getting hard thinking about it' ugh.. so she is going to take lunch and have phone sex, I guess.. But she tells me she is super busy at work and cant talk to me - she is super busy because she is emailing this guy so much. 

I need to just stop looking, its doing nothing but making my stomach churn.


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## Eli-Zor

How much more time do you need , you have all the evidence you need. Call him before the lunch, something like " I am only going to tell you once to leave my wife alone , any more contact between you two and I will ensure your life will be turned upside down."

Polite no threats , then text you wife and ask how her sex session is going with her F&£[email protected]&y thereafter call her parents and expose her ongoing affair tell them you have hard evidence and ask them to call her , include her co-workers in an exposure .

The above sounds harsh , the risk you take now is you are standing by whereas if you confront now the weekend is here giving you time to determine what to do next.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN

disappointed123 said:


> I need to just stop looking, its doing nothing but making my stomach churn.


:iagree: Snooping to see if a spouse is in an affair is one thing. Continuing to do so after knowing is just plain self-torture. Trust me, I was addicted to the spy game at one point. It did nothing to help.


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## Almostrecovered

HurtinginTN said:


> :iagree: Snooping to see if a spouse is in an affair is one thing. Continuing to do so after knowing is just plain self-torture. Trust me, I was addicted to the spy game at one point. It did nothing to help.


well verification after R is valid for a time period


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## Shaggy

Have you exposed to her boss that she's doing this at work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed to her boss that she's doing this at work
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She _is_ the boss..


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## Almostrecovered

is it her business or is she just a manager/exec type- if the latter then you can expose to HR


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## Eli-Zor

I don't think you have any other option but expose this to her work, friends and family. She will be angry, your marriage can survive her anger it cannot survive another man interfering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

Seriously, dude-TAKE THAT JOB!!!


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## MrQuatto

hell yes, take the job and serve her papers. Unless I am mistaken, the bills and assets kind of freeze when the papers are served so if you take the job right after, the pay raise wont figure into the finances.


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## Gabriel

He could also negotiate to take a lower salary for a short time to skew the numbers - then they can make up the lost pay after the magic date.


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## disappointed123

I also did something, maybe not the smartest thing.. but it felt great.. as you know, my wife talks with the guy via skype. (almost every damn day!) anyway - with monitoring I heard he was going to call her at a specific time. So.. I put skype on my phone - logged on as her and changed her password. When he called *I* answered and told him not to call my goddamn wife anymore.

She is at work when all of this went down (like 10 minutes ago) 

The only communication I have seen is from her telling him that her skype is broken or something... he has not responded.

Should I take this opportunity to change the locks - or just see what plays out? I have until next week to decide if Im taking this job or not. I have even negotiated ANOTHER 10% in salary.

Ive talked to an attourney - I am in a no-fault state, and have been married not long enough for her to get anything.. anything at all.


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> I also did something, maybe not the smartest thing.. but it felt great.. as you know, my wife talks with the guy via skype. (almost every damn day!) anyway - with monitoring I heard he was going to call her at a specific time. So.. I put skype on my phone - logged on as her and changed her password. When he called *I* answered and told him not to call my goddamn wife anymore.
> 
> She is at work when all of this went down (like 10 minutes ago)
> 
> The only communication I have seen is from her telling him that her skype is broken or something... he has not responded.
> 
> Should I take this opportunity to change the locks - or just see what plays out? I have until next week to decide if Im taking this job or not. I have even negotiated ANOTHER 10% in salary.
> 
> Ive talked to an attourney - I am in a no-fault state, and have been married not long enough for her to get anything.. anything at all.


Hang in there my friend. This is tough stuff.


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## disappointed123

Entropy3000 said:


> Hang in there my friend. This is tough stuff.


I really do love her, thats the problem.. but she is in a warped state of mind lately.. Its so weird, because things have been amazing between us otherwise. It almost seems like our relationship rekindled alot - but I dont know if that is just her feeling guilty - or just playing me till she has a chance to get out. I think its the latter - but i dont see her as a conniver. She has never been married and is definitely not stashing money.


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## MrQuatto

Leave, there is nothing anywhere that says you can never reconcile or get back together but until she sees the consequences of her actions, nothing will change.


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## Shaggy

Stay strong. Maybe you might shake them up a little with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Diss, I've lost track here. Where are you and her in the confrontation/exposure/etc cycle?

It sounds like she's just doing whatever she wants with him all day long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Shaggy said:


> Diss, I've lost track here. Where are you and her in the confrontation/exposure/etc cycle?
> 
> It sounds like she's just doing whatever she wants with him all day long.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pretty much.. her parents know and Ive told her best friend. I think she is so far gone that she doesnt care. I havent confronted her on the 'second' offense.. To be honest, I think the confrontation will just be me leaving. Obviously if I confront she will just tell me something stupid and continue doing what she is doing. Im over feeling this way. "oh I love and miss you!" to me, and then she says she misses the other guy at the same time. She is just turned on by the fact she has two guys.. I treat her great, and she has a fantasy guy who does her bidding.. I think when she gets home tonight she will get a wakeup call when she comes home to the locks being changed.. I dropped the kid off at her parents earlier today.


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## Gabriel

stay strong - this is the right course. Take the job. If she crawls after you begging, then you have a decision to make to let her join you. But until then, I would take the job and go. You can always reconcile later if you both want that and she kills the affair.


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## F-102

D123, you have a good job waiting for you and a golden opportunity to take off and start over. Remember, you can always R later.


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## Eli-Zor

You did a good job in confronting him, don't ever regret it. 

You may as well proceed with a hard line with your wife , you cannot hide away from reality, she will ultimately contact him and he will tell her you spoke to him . 

Sit calmly and confront her again, put it in a letter form, mention you love her but she has stuck a knife in your soul and is twisting it. Make no demands, don't tell her of your options and do not tell her of the confrontation with the OM. This is a love letter from a husband to his wife , don't plead, don't beg use words that express your love to her, bring up memories of happy occasions and compliment her therein.

If she asks question about OM or try's to see how much you know babble distracting answers something like "yes you having and affair with OM is abusive, you should meet his wife and to think he said all those terrible thing about her." what you are doing here is causing confusion and using an innuendo , your wife by default won't believe you however she does not know what you know and it will cause her concern. It would help if you have the OM's wife's first name .

In parallel prepare an exposure letter to her work, this sounds like a radical action it is the next logical progression to break the affair, she would not be skulking around if it was innocent. On Monday send the letters to her HR department cc another senior director , the letters must be signed for on receipt, bring to their attention that she is conducting an affair on company time using company assets, mention the OM by name. If your wife is angry, tough , she should not be behaving inappropriately.

If you fear she will not come back to you after exposure , remove that fear, she is no longer your wife and as you have done almost everything you can to protect your marriage extreme measures are required. Your marriage can survive her anger and embarrassment it cannot survive an affair.

Play it by ear this weekend, but be prepared to expose her waywardness far and wide.

Continue with the separation process , it is part of the risk mitigation strategy you should follow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration

She is hopeless. She has cheated on every man she's been with. What a skank. Dump her take the new job (and new life) and find that love you deserve. She really is sick in the head.


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## disappointed123

Quickie update.. I have accepted the job offer - and have gone and done the drug test, etc I have some more papers to fill out. The wife does not know yet. 

the OM has not contacted her since the skype incident. She has, however sent a number of emails to him. At first the emails were like 'sorry I missed you on skype' and some small talk and 'i miss you' emails. After a couple of days they turned angry - like 'WTF??' and 'Where are you??' and the last one was 'Im not sure what you are trying to pull here!' He still hasnt sent her anything.

Crazy!! Im giving my two weeks to work in a couple of days then breaking the news to wife. "Sorry, I have accepted a job in xxxxxx, I have not bothered to tell you since you have been so involved in a relationship with another man. I love you, but I am leaving."

We will see what she does from there.


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## Eli-Zor

Make sure you tell her folks that the affair is ongoing , do so a couple of hours before you tell her about the job , it is courteous to them. Do ensure you are protected financially and she has no recourse legally against you or says you abandoned her. Leave a crack open for her to reconcile , this does not say you cancel the new job, if she is committed to you she will make a plan to join you. If she does change the choice is yours to reconcile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Give it time to see if he holds NC. She is going to be fed up soon and/or call him on his phone, my assumption is she has a number to call. What did you say to him as it is rare the OM steps away so readily?

Try hold the moral high ground , don't be tempted to enter into a war of words with her. Be firm, stick to your boundaries.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> Give it time to see if he holds NC. She is going to be fed up soon and/or call him on his phone, my assumption is she has a number to call. What did you say to him as it is rare the OM steps away so readily?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They do not have each other's phone numbers - only email addresses. I did not threaten him, or do anything of that sort.. I said - almost verbatim:

'Stop talking to my wife starting now. No skype, No email, no mail, no presents, no nothing. I know you are married - you should know better. I am not some anonymous fantasy person - I am her husband. Have integrity, dont f* with my family. Vanish now. forever.'

Im pretty sure I repeated the 'do not skype, do not email, do not mail her at work and you should know better' bit. a couple of times.

I didnt allow him to say anything - and hung up.

I know he is a super paranoid - private person. It took him weeks of her asking for him to give her his work address (for a gift). It was a temporary workplace for him and he is no longer there. Im thinking that he about sh!t himself when I answered his call.


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## Eli-Zor

A very clear message , he is probably wondering what you know and why your wife is continuing to mail him . When you do move and if she is not with you go dark , there is no need for conversation unless she evidences her commitment to you and the marriage. No need to reveal you spoke to him or how you know of the ongoing affair , you confronting her a second time for continuing the affair is enough.

She is following the wayward script , make sure you keep copies of everything somewhere secure in case she tries to gaslight you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

He is scared sh*tless, and isn't talking to her because he fears you are watching and will out him to his wife. Very simple. 

But the thing is, he isn't the problem. You said it yourself. She started it with him, he has been tentative the whole time. His little fantasy game is over. But it's not over for your wife yet, who has a history of this behavior and is very delusional.


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## disappointed123

Gabriel said:


> He is scared sh*tless, and isn't talking to her because he fears you are watching and will out him to his wife. Very simple.
> 
> But the thing is, he isn't the problem. You said it yourself. She started it with him, he has been tentative the whole time. His little fantasy game is over. But it's not over for your wife yet, who has a history of this behavior and is very delusional.


I almost feel bad for her.. I mean her last email was 'I hate this silence, if you are done with me - just say so' . Its really a sad thing to behold. But, I have to monitor - to prepare for if he talks to her. He knows I am watching - and has to know that I can crush him if he opens his mouth. They have no other way to communicate.


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## Eli-Zor

Is she showing signs of any anguish with you, waywards are normally class actors/actresses when in control but once they lose control the beast changes. Best part is as long as you remain silent she will wonder what happened to him. She may even think he has been busted on his side. Carry on as you are , when ready update the parents but spare the how you know part.

How are you holding up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> Is she showing signs of any anguish with you, waywards are normally class actors/actresses when in control but once they lose control the beast changes. Best part is as long as you remain silent she will wonder what happened to him. She may even think he has been busted on his side. Carry on as you are , when ready update the parents but spare the how you know part.
> 
> How are you holding up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This all makes me really sad. Im at work and trying to keep it together. I think Im going to have to take the rest of the day off.


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## Eli-Zor

Sorry that you are suffering, sadness is what good people feel, your wife on the other hand is nowhere near feeling sad for what she is doing to you. Have you been to the doc, your on a rollercoaster and it's going to take it toil on you. Make sure you give yourself space to breathe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

Glad to see you took the job, and the job of working on YOU!


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## Hijo

What an amazing read. Thank you for sharing. Looking forward to the next update.


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## Eli-Zor

Any update?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Sorry that it has been a while... I've been dealing with reality for a while and just havent gotten around to posting.

I've moved into a new place and started a new job. My wife is still living in the old city in my house down there. When I moved out, I told her I was tired of the B.S. she put me through, and I that this is an opportunity for me - and if she wanted to be part of it - for us. I had to stand up and do what is right for me - whether she is included or not. I would be glad to have her, but not her and her mental baggage.


Its sort of weird right now, with her down there and me up here. I havent seen her in a week and a half - since I took the job and moved myself out. She says she wants to be with me - and do whatever it takes for things to work out - including moving up here to be with me. Right now, its not feasible, because of the gig she is working on - and the kid's school. Once school is over she wants to move up here.

I have laid out my conditions - if she wants to be with me. No more phone passwords at all, complete transparency - phone, cc bills, facebook, email, etc. She has agreed to that, and has begun individual counselling. I can tell she is very remorseful that this happened, and that she hurt me the way she did. Of course she said she would never have physically had an affair - but is glad that I intervened before that even became a possibility. At first, she was very angry with me for reading her stuff, etc: but now she says she is glad I did. Anyway - she is coming up to see me this weekend. I will let you know how it goes.


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## MrQuatto

Good Luck Dis. I truly hope it works out in the end for you.

Q~


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## Eli-Zor

good luck to you.

Has the OM tried to contact her since you spoke to him or did she succeed in getting a response from him .


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## Unsure in Seattle

Good for you- regardless of if she gets her act together, it sounds like you've made a big leap in recovering yourself.

Best of luck-


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## Whip Morgan

Congratulations on taking such a big step Diss. Remember, this woman continued to cheat on you AFTER you caught her the first time. 

If you want to reconcile, she needs serious individual and marital counseling. Even then, it'll be pointless if she doesn't show you through actions and not just words that she wants to be with you and not this OM.


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## Eli-Zor

A few observations:-



> because of the gig she is working on


Her job is not important your marriage is , she can resign immediately and move to you 



> Once school is over she wants to move up here.


Children change school mid way all the time, again if you and your marriage are important she will move mountains. 

Insists she moves to you by a fixed date, any reason she gives is not acceptable as it is she who was in an affair, she was chasing the OM.

Your wife can now chase you, the move to you is only some of the actions she must take to evidence her intention to fight for you and the marriage.


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## Gabriel

Dis - good job fighting for your happiness. 

She said after school lets out she will move to be with you....um, does that mean June, 2012??? School year just got started.

I agree you need to lay out conditions. She could easily move back in with you, and STILL go behind your back, STILL mooch off of your kindness. 

If it were me, I would give her this last opportunity to succeed with the marriage. If after she moves in, she does anything, even ONCE, she'd be kicked out forever.

Good luck.


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## F-102

Sounds good, so far, bro!


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## disappointed123

Well.. it turns out my wife is a complete ho. I found out she opened yet ANOTHER email account to communicate with the long distance guy. They have been sharing 'I love you's' and talking just as frequently as ever. It was all a charade - and the I love yous are all new. She came up to visit me last weekend, and I checked her phone just before she left and found the account. I did not want to confront her where I might say some things I would regret. I did however get the password.

I have to say, this is where it gets funny, and somewhat pathetic. She has been talking to another guy from her job locally - and I know she has slept over at his house once this last week. She said she was staying over at a girlfriends house to me.. I asked the girlfriend - and she said 'no she didnt.'. I have since investigated the phone records and she has been texting this other guy every day, 50 or more texts a day, for about two weeks. Many of the texts are after midnight - as late as 3 and 4 am - I havent read any of them

So, she has me who she says she is dedicated to.. some guy 2000 miles away who she tells she loves, and a guy back in the city I used to live in.. who she apparently is sleeping with - or at least in some weird relationship with. Wow. What a sad sad hunk of crap she is.

I do not want to be with her anymore. I have given her enough chances. Ive been talking to a lawyer, to see what my options are - he says he can have the petition for divorce served by monday or tuesday.. Im going down tomorrow after work to change the locks to my house (that she has been staying at). I will be gathering up as many of her things as I can and will deliver them to her parents. Who I will tell everything. Basically, your daughter is a crazy wh0re who should not be married, and that I do not want to be involved with anymore. I know she is just stringing me along.

Here is where it gets interesting: I have a question. I joined a cycling club up here shortly after moving. There is a super attractive woman in the club that I have talked to a few times, only casually. The club went on a ride last night, and we all hung out for coffee. Everyone else took off - her and I hung out and continued to chat. She asked if I wanted to get together this weekend for a drink, and I said OK. I was very honest about my situation - and told her I was married (I havent worn my wedding ring for a week) but getting a divorce very very soon. She didnt bat an eye, and still wants to get together this weekend.

Is it a bad idea for me to go out with this woman? She is super extremely hot eastern euro woman - 33 y/o and we have a ton in common. She, I kid you not, looks like a retired model and is approximately 10 times hotter than my wife, has no kids - and I have so much more in common with her.. Im in a no-fault state, so I dont think this could be held against me in divorce. opinions?? Should I wait?


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## Eli-Zor

Sorry to read this post from you.

Play a straight bat with her parents and let them know exactly what she is doing. Do so as soon as you can , if necessary let them know you have the evidence. 

File and hit her with everything, don't hold back once you start let her know you have once again caught her and you will not live with a person who does not love you.

As a closing grace if you so wish to expend the effort see if you can take out the long distance OM , he seems to enjoy being secure and is actively helping destroy your marriage. Add the guy she is sleeping with to your list as well. 



> Is it a bad idea for me to go out with this woman?


Give it time , she should understand , after your divorce she will respect you more for waiting until the divorce is final .


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## WhereAmI

disappointed123 said:


> Well.. it turns out my wife is a complete ho. I found out she opened yet ANOTHER email account to communicate with the long distance guy. They have been sharing 'I love you's' and talking just as frequently as ever. It was all a charade - and the I love yous are all new. She came up to visit me last weekend, and I checked her phone just before she left and found the account. I did not want to confront her where I might say some things I would regret. I did however get the password.
> 
> I have to say, this is where it gets funny, and somewhat pathetic. She has been talking to another guy from her job locally - and I know she has slept over at his house once this last week. She said she was staying over at a girlfriends house to me.. I asked the girlfriend - and she said 'no she didnt.'. I have since investigated the phone records and she has been texting this other guy every day, 50 or more texts a day, for about two weeks. Many of the texts are after midnight - as late as 3 and 4 am - I havent read any of them
> 
> So, she has me who she says she is dedicated to.. some guy 2000 miles away who she tells she loves, and a guy back in the city I used to live in.. who she apparently is sleeping with - or at least in some weird relationship with. Wow. What a sad sad hunk of crap she is.
> 
> I do not want to be with her anymore. I have given her enough chances. Ive been talking to a lawyer, to see what my options are - he says he can have the petition for divorce served by monday or tuesday.. Im going down tomorrow after work to change the locks to my house (that she has been staying at). I will be gathering up as many of her things as I can and will deliver them to her parents. Who I will tell everything. Basically, your daughter is a crazy wh0re who should not be married, and that I do not want to be involved with anymore. I know she is just stringing me along.
> 
> Here is where it gets interesting: I have a question. I joined a cycling club up here shortly after moving. There is a super attractive woman in the club that I have talked to a few times, only casually. The club went on a ride last night, and we all hung out for coffee. Everyone else took off - her and I hung out and continued to chat. She asked if I wanted to get together this weekend for a drink, and I said OK. I was very honest about my situation - and told her I was married (I havent worn my wedding ring for a week) but getting a divorce very very soon. She didnt bat an eye, and still wants to get together this weekend.
> 
> Is it a bad idea for me to go out with this woman? She is super extremely hot eastern euro woman - 33 y/o and we have a ton in common. She, I kid you not, looks like a retired model and is approximately 10 times hotter than my wife, has no kids - and I have so much more in common with her.. Im in a no-fault state, so I dont think this could be held against me in divorce. opinions?? Should I wait?


I think it's okay to go out with her in a "getting to know you" fashion. If you think she's worth having a relationship with, she'll respect you more if she knows you're holding off until your divorce is official.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Have the drink it doesn't mean you are going to fo anything else.

As for you WW I'm sorry but she deserves everything you send her way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Oh, and make sure you tell both the local guy and the long distance guy about one another. They might like to know what kind of woman they are wasting their time on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo

Even in a no fault state, the judge will look at your behavior as a measure of your honesty and integrity. Tell the new woman that you have to end your current relationship before your enter a new one. Keep seeing her in a group setting with others present. Not alone until the divorce is final. 

How do I know this stuff? I was researching divorce in my "no fault" state for when my wife would finally catch me in my EA. All of the above is from divorce lawyers web pages.


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## crossbar

disappointed123 said:


> Is it a bad idea for me to go out with this woman? She is super extremely hot eastern euro woman - 33 y/o and we have a ton in common. She, I kid you not, looks like a retired model and is approximately 10 times hotter than my wife, has no kids - and I have so much more in common with her.. Im in a no-fault state, so I dont think this could be held against me in divorce. opinions?? Should I wait?


So, go out with an attractive woman THAT ASKED YOU OUT! or stay in and watch TV. Wow! That's a hard one....NOT!!!

I say go out! Have a good time! Enjoy each others company. I mean, there's nothing wrong with establishing a friendship that MIGHT have future potential.

Just go out as friends and seriously don't expect anything. Because if you're not ready to date then, you're not being fair to yourself and certainly not to her. 

But nothing says you can go out for a drink, go out for dinner and enjoy your evening. Having a girl with supermodel looks asking you out doesn't happen too often. Carpi Diem!!!


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## Gabriel

To be honest, I think all of this is good news, because it is going to hasten this to its fateful end, that many of us saw coming. Your STBXW will always deceive, until her dying day. It's who she is. Your marriage sounded borderline, even before her EA. 

You've given her enough chances. Goodbye to her. Starting a friendship with this other woman is fine, but be careful not to take it too far. Her inviting you and not batting an eye when you mentioned her situation tells me she wants to get laid, actually. If I'm you, I tell her that I am interested, but need to finalize the divorce first before I can take it all the way. And then rush like hell to get the D done.


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## turnera

Stay friends for now. You just freakin' found out your wife's still cheating within the past 5 days! You are in no position to be seeing other women. If she likes you, she'll wait.

So what happens to your kids? Are they gonna stay with a woman who can't stop hopping from bed to bed, or are you fighting for custody?


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## Gabriel

They don't have kids. His W has one from a previous relationship and Dis has been supporting them both with a home.


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## Shaggy

Look your wife has left the marriage, with multiple men. You are getting rid of her. Why should you put your life on hold when there is nothing to hold on for?

Go on the date, and enjoy it and the woman. You've been honest with her, why hold back on the one life you have. 

If you had kids,or any hope of R, I'd say something different, but in ths case there isno hope for R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Ah, thanks for clearing that up.

Then go for it. I do feel sorry for the kid, though.


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## sadcalifornian

Good luck with your new relationship! Take it slow, though. You still are not divorced yet, and BH sometimes makes mistake of jumping into another relationship too fast in a situation like yours and get burned down the line. Take it slow.

As for your WW, I think it's crazy that you even stayed this long with her. What a *****!


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## disappointed123

sadcalifornian said:


> Good luck with your new relationship! Take it slow, though. You still are not divorced yet, and BH sometimes makes mistake of jumping into another relationship too fast in a situation like yours and get burned down the line. Take it slow.
> 
> As for your WW, I think it's crazy that you even stayed this long with her. What a *****!


Im not going to start a new relationship. The cyclist girl knows it.. It just seems like she sincerely likes me and wants to spend time together. We will see. Nothing is going to happen until either a) everything is final or b) legally separated. I may hurry and legally separate, so I can go on with my life while the divorce goes through. I have to talk to my lawyer about it. 

Right now, the wife thinks everything is peachy. Its not. Its a nice feeling - after so long to have a very attractive woman-yes, a woman - be interested. When I say attractive, this woman looks like she just stepped out of a fitness magazine - but has euro model features. If she just wanted to get laid - she could get laid in a nanosecond. My wife is a still a little girl who thinks its her way or the highway. Wrong. Ive done everything I can - she is nothing but lying filth. She will get nothing from me.


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## disappointed123

p.s. : I think she is over at the local dude's house tonight.. she said she is going to a girlfriend's house. I checked her call/text logs and the only person she has talked to other than me is that guy. I know where he lives, and am having a friend go over and take a picture of her car there in a few hours. take that.


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## sadcalifornian

Wow, she is that hot, eh? Maybe I should change my advice to go ahead and push it all the way. You must be quite a catch yourself to attract a girl like her. 

That puzzles me even more why you have put up with so much with your STXW. :scratchhead:


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## disappointed123

sadcalifornian said:


> Wow, she is that hot, eh? Maybe I should change my advice to go ahead and push it all the way. You must be quite a catch yourself to attract a girl like her.
> 
> That puzzles me even more why you have put up with so much with your STXW. :scratchhead:



In retrospect, I wonder the same thing. I mean, I did everything for her - and when I wanted something for myself I got meanness.. I bought her a car.. and after 3 years of driving a pile of sh!t, I wanted to buy my own new car. I got 'when I see your new car, Im going to spit on it' I ignored the comment - and bought the car I wanted. She didn't spit on it. I was foolish - and in love with the notion of having a family. In love with her son. In love with only notions. That love is not enough to keep me in a relationship - and with someone who does not respect me.

She will find out soon enough what she lost. I am a great catch. The catch that she chose to throw overboard. After she goes through man after man.. realizing that few men want a divorced woman with child - she will call me. I wont answer the phone.


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## sadcalifornian

Do you think your STXW is a narcissist?


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## crossbar

Again, When you go out with this lady, don't expect anything. No expectations. Someone already posted that if things are headed VERY good in your favor. Explain to her that you want to take things slow and get your divorce finalized. She may respect that, because she'll think that you want to do right by her and, in the meantime, your getting to know HER as a woman and person. And you're not using her.

By the way, after your date you are required to post details! Not...you know.....DETAILS...but how it went.


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## turnera

Why are you bothering getting proof that a serial cheater is cheating?

What's your goal?


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## Chaparral

turnera said:


> Why are you bothering getting proof that a serial cheater is cheating?
> 
> What's your goal?


To throw it in her face.

:rofl::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol:


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## disappointed123

Hi folks.. Sorry I havent posted in a while - I have just been living my life. My divorce is in the works - my stbx is now living with her parents and I have rented my first house out. Her parents know everything - her friends know everything - since I told them all - and she really has nowhere else to go. Basically I screwed her - because I waited for her gig to be over, then told her that I no longer wished to be married to her. She has no idea of how to save money or pay bills or take care of herself. Too bad for her - she is getting almost nothing in the D. We just split the cash we had down the middle and I have since moved my money into another account.

Most of her friends have lost respect for her, because there is no way she could gaslight me with the insurmountable evidence I have. 

I wont get into details, but lets just say it wasnt very pretty at first. She tried everything in the book to make me feel terribly, like I was invading per privacy, like I was a scumbag, etc. Unfortunately for her - I have verifiable proof that she is a cheater. (like a picture of her car at a guy's house early in the morning, naked photos of herself, emails of her pronouncing her love for another man (another another man)) She eventually broke down and became remorseful (mostly after all of her friends and family told her she is a complete fool) She has signed the papers - and is agreeing to an amicable divorce. 

To be very honest, I do not miss the rollercoaster of emotions. I dont miss her telling me how much she loves me and cant live without me - only to know she is saying the same thing to another guy - and possibly spreading her legs for another man. She is a person that will skate along from guy to guy until she realizes her looks have dried up, and so have the men. Her son will lose respect for her - and be confused. I feel bad for them all. She will realize that life is more than about her, and what she wants and thinks. 

As for me, I am great. I am good friends with that Ukrainian chick. Well, more than friends. We get along great, hang out all the time, and really enjoy each other's company. She knows what I am going through, and is patiently waiting out the D. I wouldnt say that her and I are dating at this point - even though we have talked about it. I think its best that we not be intimate, or even publicly affectionate until this is all over - in case my wife has something up her sleeves. For a CYA I have also been having my new job pay me my old salary right now until we get the D settled - which should be by febuary. Once the D is finalized Im going to get a retro check for about 15k. Hawaii and new motorcycle are in my not so distant future.

Thanks for everyone's support.

Life is good.


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## Almostrecovered

excellent

I'm happy you are starting a new life


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## aug

It's good to see you're moving on.

She'll be fine. She's a serial cheater. She probably has mastered the art of seduction. She'll find another man.


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## crossbar

SO!!!! Anyone in particular going with you to Hawaii after your divorced is finalized? You need to post pics on you Facebook. "okay, in this shot you see the mountains of the Big Island behind the hot chick in the bikini...and, in this shot you see the surf with the hot chick in the bikini playing in it....


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## Shaggy

Excellent job standing up to a serial abuser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

crossbar said:


> SO!!!! Anyone in particular going with you to Hawaii after your divorced is finalized? You need to post pics on you Facebook. "okay, in this shot you see the mountains of the Big Island behind the hot chick in the bikini...and, in this shot you see the surf with the hot chick in the bikini playing in it....


I know exactly who is going with me to Hawaii.. A hot chick in a bikini for sure.


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## Almostrecovered

find yourself a nice u'i wahine


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## F-102

You and Shamwow oughta write a book. I love happy endings. And now I'm going to give my favorite scenario:

One day, she will listen to a coworker or friend telling about her upcoming 30th anniversary with her wonderful H, and your XW will go home, close the door behind her and wistfully say: "I had a wonderful man too, once..."

And only the furniture and her 50 smelly cats will hear her.


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## disappointed123

F-102 said:


> You and Shamwow oughta write a book. I love happy endings. And now I'm going to give my favorite scenario:
> 
> One day, she will listen to a coworker or friend telling about her upcoming 30th anniversary with her wonderful H, and your XW will go home, close the door behind her and wistfully say: "I had a wonderful man too, once..."
> 
> And only the furniture and her 50 smelly cats will hear her.


Yeah.. its pretty sad, actually. I mean she had it great - and threw it all away for some petty ego boost. She is 'in love' with some married guy 2000 miles away, and apparently sleeping with a guy local to her that has a girlfriend (Im only guessing she is sleeping with him, but all signs point to yes)

She called and messaged me the last night - late, after drinking, like 3am - saying she missed me.. I didnt answer, of course. I still have access to everything, and saw that she had emailed long distance guy - who didnt respond, then texted local guy who didnt respond first.. then me. 

I would feel sorry for her, if I wasn't so disgusted. She really needs therapy.


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## turnera

Next time she drunk dials you, reply with the phone number to a psychologist.


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## MrQuatto

Dis, I am so happy things are finally close to over for you on this. Move forward and don't look back man. Time for the new chapter to be written.

Q~


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## disappointed123

I found out my stbx traveled to visit the guy she has been having an EA with for the last 9 months.. I guess I shouldn't care, because I saw it coming - and we are in the middle of splitting up.. But it still hurts...


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## Eli-Zor

Pity you can't track his wife down and rain on his parade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disappointed123

Eli-Zor said:


> Pity you can't track his wife down and rain on his parade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I could.. I just think a private investigator will be very expensive - especially since he is not from the states. It just hurts to know that she is sleeping with other men - even though she was crappy to me.. It just takes time to get over it, I guess. Im crying now - but she will never know it.


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## turnera

Thing is, you're gonna find someone else who actually WANTS to please you and care about you, and you'll kick yourself for waiting so long to get rid of a cheater.


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