# What to do?



## MrFox (Apr 26, 2020)

In Nov 2019, my partner (13 yrs) said she wanted a separation. She said wanted "space" to decide whether to stay married to me (but since, she hasn't appeared to do anything to address this). 

We have had a lot of problems made worse by the fact that I was the only one who acknowledged and was willing to change and that she has a narcissistic mother who abused her for years, who she has a codependent relationship with. 

I asked my partner over and over again to come to couples therapy before taking such a serious step to separate. She refused. And had never done anything to address her emotional issues or past trauma due to her mother.

At the time she asked for separation saw many signs she was in communication with other guys online. She never denied it. She indicated that she wanted it to be a healthy separation. A few times she messaged me and emailed me about wanting to go to couples therapy and that she didn't want to throw everything we had together away. But I wonder if it wasn't just words to manipulate me into giving her money she later asked for (above child support I was already paying).

However, most time she has lied many times, gone back on things we agreed to, tried to manipulate me into giving her money and refuses to let me take our children our without her supervision (zero grounds for this, she is a very anxious person). She was like this to me during our relationship.

On top of this she will not communicate with me to discuss our children or make plans/arrangements about practical matters. I am having to pass on messages through my oldest daughter (12yrs) because Mum will not communicate. My daughter is uncomfortable about being a go-between. But it appears the only way I can organise with my wife to spend time with them. The last time I spoke to her to on the phone, she made it a point of telling me (apparently) she was dating a guy. (I knew she was trying just to hurt me).

Yesterday after spending time with my girls I asked to speak to her face to face. I asked how we could make things work between us for the girls sake. She asked me what I meant (how could she not understand?) i explained. Then this smile formed on her face and she started laughing. I couldn't believe it. I said this is serious, it's not a joke. Then she claimed to have a millions things on her mind, that was why she laughed, and then she said she'd been drinking (she never drank during our 13 year relationship).

When I talk to my family and friends they say she is a narcissist like her mother. And if I'm honest I would have to agree she has many of he characteristics.. She has never appeared to really have any feelings or empathy for me. I felt ignored and invalidated throughout most of our relationship.

She now seems to be even more self-absorbed and self-centred than before I left. My children say she hardly interacts with them and spends most of her time on her phone. She's constantly posting new photos of herself on Facebook that are obviously to get attention from men)

The problem for me is mainly first, that it's virtually impossible to communicate with her (especially hard because we have children together) and second, that I still feel love and care for her despite everything. I have asked her again if she'd come to couples therapy even if to make things better for our children. But she never gave me answer. Yet I still have this thought that somehow there's a chance we could get back together and that she would become aware of her behaviour and attitude and get therapy so we could both be happy together.

I don't really know what to do wat the moment. Am I just hurting myself by thinking things could possibly be different. I can't seem to let go of her in my mind and heart.

Any thoughts, reflections, advice would be very welcome 🙂


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## MrFox (Apr 26, 2020)

I forgot to add that for over a year she was using her maiden name on Facebook and her status said she was single and interested in men...


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## MrFox (Apr 26, 2020)

She also always adding random guys all of the world to her FB


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

She a cake eater and your the $$$ ATM, machine her laughing is throwing it in your face. She's not coming back and quit give her anymore money she spending it on her new boyfriend's.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

If she was using the "I need space" line on you, you can be pretty sure you were already replaced. Start taking care of yourself and do what need to be done to ensure you start a new better life for yourself


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I think you have done all you could do, but she wasn't and isn't working with you. Unfortunately, what's left isn't so much choices as dealing with it. I am sorry.

Individual counselling can help you deal with what is a difficult transition.

Consult an attorney to make sure you aren't leaving yourself vulnerable in the divorce that is likely coming. Don't let the attorney talk you into adversarial things you don't want to do, but get advice like "If you agree to this or do that, it can be used against you in a divorce".


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It takes two people working at it for a relationship to work. It only takes one person to break a relationship.

She is who she is. You have many years of experience with her to know that what she is doing this week is who she is. This is not some transient event.

You can love her and want her, but she is never going to put effort into the relationship. You can't love her more or use more logic on her to get her to love you the way you want her to.

It is time for you to detach and move on. Do what you can to have as calm a relationship as possible for the necessary contacts regarding the children. Beyond that, forget about her. I suggest you find a personal counselor to talk to. Not because you're nuts, but because someone in real life can provide you with better feedback than we can.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Oh for God's sakes.

The woman has disrespected you in every single way she possibly COULD and doesn't give a rat's ass about your feeelings, and you're foolishly financially supporting this fool while she gets to live like a single person, dating other people?

What is wrong with you?

Stop giving this POS money (except for child support) and find your self respect. Stop using your kids as an excuse to try to get her back - it just makes you look weak and pathetic. She's nothing but a lying, opportunistic vampire who doesn't want you, but she'll sure take any money you want to send her way. What a POS.

Find your pride *fast*, OP. You're making a fool of yourself begging her to come back to you.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Oh for God's sakes.
> 
> The woman has disrespected you in every single way she possibly COULD and doesn't give a rat's ass about your feeelings, and you're foolishly financially supporting this fool while she gets to live like a single person, dating other people?
> 
> ...


Loving the tough love! I had this same conversation with myself when I went thru it


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop sending Messages through your poor daughter, that is wrong on every level! And stop the insane back and forth with her, and hire an attorney. Only communicate through the attorney. Make sure you are documenting this crap that she insists on supervising your time with your children. All of this is beyond ridiculous. Why are you pining away for someone so horrible?? How could you possibly want her back??

Find your pride and file for divorce!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Her narcissism is a personality disorder and y'all going to counseling is not likely to change anything. She has already replaced you. Sounds like you want her--but really as a much improved her. That is not going to happen and is likely to get worse, not better. 

Protect your children--make that an imperative. Do not use them to communicate. As has been said, legal direction for financial matters and communication would benefit you and kids. Do not let her use you that only diminishes her respect for you. Do this NOW so your life and that of your kids will be more stable and less stressful.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, make sure your "separation" is legal -- and that INCLUDES child custody. She can't keep you from the kids legally.
You REALLY need to get an attorney involved here and get YOUR plan together (she already HAS hers including your replacement).
All discussions after that can be through both of your attorneys. You need to have some sort of online calendar about custody days. ALSO -- DOCUMENT all that she is doing about not allowing you to see your kids.

THIS:


MrFox said:


> At the time she asked for separation saw many signs she was in communication with other guys online. She never denied it. She indicated that she wanted it to be a healthy separation.


and MOST of what she is saying/doing to you is to MANIPULATE you -- there CAN be NO HEALTHY separation when she is dating/banging other guys. She said that to keep you on her string -- so that she can come to YOU for $$$. STOP giving her ANY money. Tell her if the kids need anything, YOU will take them to get it. If she won't allow that, you KNOW that she isn't using any child support money for them.
I know you love her, but her actions clearly show she does NOT want to be in a marriage with you. You need to start detaching from her (don't look at her social media, do NOT respond to ANYTHING other than talk about kids/divorce, etc.). Get healthy, work out/eat right, start focusing on YOU and your kids.


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