# Separation - Kinda - For her to think



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I've decided today, after watching carefully at her attitude, that perhaps some time alone would do us both good. She says that over the 9 years we've been together that there were moments in our marriage she thought 'Hmmm, I guess this is just what being married is about.'. She has focused on the negative and not so much on the positive. I've already admitted to making mistakes and I've already told her it was no reason for her to cheat. She should have communicated with me instead of 'being patient' as she put it. With the build up of all this patients she blew up at me one day, we fought, that's when I first realized we had some serious issues. I did my best to make things better but apparently my 'focus on the relationship' only pushed her to feel more...well, pushed for a decision I thought she had already happily made (To be married to me and have kids).

A day after the incident we 'reconciled' but perhaps we were both in the 'after shock' of the entire ordeal of what happened. Now she's back to "I need time." and every time I bring up a topic related to 'us' she says I'm pushing her. She told me last night "You are driving YOURSELF crazy. You need to get out and be with friends." So...I'm going to spend a week at a friends house. A week might not seem like a long time but I figured that the most we've ever spent apart was 2 days and after 2 days we felt like it was 2 months, maybe a week will put a little more perspective on things. Do I trust her not to do something stupid again while I'm not around. Nope....do I have a choice? Nope. I'm sure if something stupid does happen she'll tell me and at that point it will be game over and I'll be over in the divorce forum.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You can't do this yourself. This forum is a place to start. YOur story is very similar to my story. And just about every who has ever been married. So why should you be any different? Half of marriages suffer from adultery. You love her. She loves you. However she is probably thinking I am not in love with you. She is not getting that high she got when you were dating. Call it a midlife crisis. 
Now you don't have to move out, but you need to stabalize. You need to get your confidence back. No begging, pleading or groveling. 
You need to find out what she needs from you that you are not giving her. You can make this work. But you have to do your homework. Read what you can by Dr. Harley to start. Be kind and focused. Pay attention when she is talking to you. Give her hugs when you can.
Seek marriage counselling...now! Finding a marriage counsellor who supports marriage may be difficult. It may take time to find someone covered by your insurance or just to get an appointment. You will be getting some good advice from people who have been through this. We all like to help.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

counseling is non-existent in this part of the world. They have (After much research) legal counsel like sessions OR psychotherapy sessions. Nothing really middle ground where it is about a marriage. I did manage to find a counselor who offers help to a variety of issues, but he, as far as I know, has no real specialty in marriage.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Go to marriagebuilder.com. I think Dr Harley does counseling over the web or phone. Also from this forum I think AffairCare does something similar also.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Well, I mentioned the idea of me leaving for a while so that she could have time and space. I said I would come back during the day while she was at work to take care of her mother (Between shifts, since my work is more flexible.) She wasn't too keen on the idea. She didn't out right say "No, don't leave." but more "I don't think you have to leave."

I tried just touching and talking. Try to get the communication going. At one point she looked at me and said "I know I hurt you real bad and I'm so sorry." She was sincere, I think. Still, by the end of the evening there was a point where she asked me to go to the next room so she could do her own things...which kinda broke the atmosphere a bit, but I guess I have to think in baby steps.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

The fact that she said she is sorry is helpful. She is taking some responsibility. I have not heard I am sorry from my wife. 
Don't leave..improve. Don't be the love sick puppy following her around. Is there something you can do for her in the home? Maybe a chore she usually does that she doesn't like to do? 
If she is willing to let you hug her, do it non-sexually. 
Is there someone you both trust and that is supportive of your marriage? Could they sit down with her and talk about what she needs from you? Your marriage can make it.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I wouldn't leave, she can do her thinking with you there, tell her you are hurt by what she has done and that you still want to work on your marriage. 
Tell her if she is willing the two of you can work on things together so both of you have your needs met....
Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that if this is the life she wants then you are out and your marriage will be over...
Be strong and firm.....
Suggest MC or reading and educating yourselves on how to have a great relationship and try to figure out why she needed this in her life......
Look at it as a wake up call and an opportunity for rebuilding a great future for the two of you.
good luck


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