# Need advice desperately: problems with my boyfriend's family



## ajda (Jul 26, 2012)

Me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship for 2 years. We love each other very much and even though our relationship is not perfect, we can't imagine living without each other. We are serious about our future and we want to have a family and live somewhere together as soon as we finish colleges and find jobs. During a school year (I'm 18 and he is 19) we see each other for only one weekend per month (we live around 500km away from each other), but when one of us has holidays (we live in different countries and our school systems are a bit different so we don't have holidays at the same time) we are together almost all the time. The problem is that I hate going to his place. I don't like his city very much and I don't like his family. I'm trying really hard to like them, because I know he really loves them, but every time I think about having to spend even very little time with his family, I feel sick. 
His parents are divorced and he and his mum are living alone. He adores his dad and often fights with his mum. His dad can be nice on his good days, but when he is having a bad day (65% of the time) he can be really mean. His mum is always trying to be polite to me when I am there, but I know she is not comfortable with me even though she doesn't want to show it to me directly. She thinks I'm stealing her son away from her. When I'm not around, she is having huge arguments with my bf because of me. If he gets a bad mark at school she always blames me. Every time he is supposed to come to my city so that we would see each other, she makes up new and new reasons why he can't go. She says she will die if he will go on that day and cries until my boyfriend says he will go one day later or some other time. If he doesn't change his mind even though she did all that drama, she doesn't talk with him until he is so tired of constant tension in his home that he gives up and does whatever she wants. Me and my bf are fighting a lot about that, because I'm always having a feeling he is choosing his mother over me. He is almost always standing on his mother's side in these fights and it made me feel like I'm fighting for him against his mother and his whole family. I'm trying to understand his difficult situation (choosing between me and his mum) but it has been extremly hard, especially when we can't see each other for a really long period of time because of his mother. I'm also trying to understand that his mother is feeling very lonely without him because he is the only thing she has, but I can't stop thinking how selfish she is by pulling him away from me.
My family, on the other hand, is very different. My mum and dad are both christians and I have one year younger brother. We are far from a perfect family (we fight and everything) but we are still all very close to each other and everyone is happy when my boyfriend is with us. My parents love him very much and when we are all together, I'm the happiest person on earth. It's always very normal, relaxed, we are all being ourselves. My bf and my brother are also very good friends and my boyfriend always feels welcomed in our home. 
Before I was starting to know my bf's family better, I didn't value what I have in my family much. But now every time I'm with my bf in his city, I feel homesick. If I'm at my friend's house or on a school trip I never feel homesick, it only happens when I'm with my bf in his hometown. When I'm without my boyfriend I miss him very very very much, but when I think of having to go to his hometown with his family, it makes me feel sick. I love my boyfriend's friends and grandparents, but my boyfriend's parents with their homes make me feel very tensed and not myself at all. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking how I would rather not see my bf than go to those places again, even though I love my boyfriend more than anything. I really don't know what to do. It really worries me what will happen in our future since I could never live in his hometown, but I'm not sure my bf wants to live in my city. I don't want to tell to my boyfriend directly that I want to live far away from his family and the affect they have on me because I'm afraid it will ruin our relationship. I'm having a huge lump in my throat only writing about this. I just want that instead of the anxiety and all the bad things I feel when I'm with him in his hometown, I could feel happiness and love for his home and parents. 
Please help me with your opinions on my situation and advices on what should I do, because this whole situation is making me feel depressed and hopeless!!!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I see a lot of red flags that I think you shouldn't ignore, but I'll try to answer, too. 

You say you're serious about your future together but you dislike both of his parents. They are the people who have taught him his values and how to handle anger. Please consider carefully how he handles his own anger before you make any big moves to be with him or have a family. You've mentioned that sometimes he just does what he wants no matter how his mom feels, which is a warning to you about what you will be able to expect one day. How does he respond to his father? That response is something else you can expect. 

But anyway.... about his mother. The only thing I can suggest to you is that you embrace her. She feels insecure and lonely, so instead of "taking her boy away from her" start being the daughter she never had. You can tell her you'd like to talk to her, and then ask a lot of questions. Be prepared to hear answers you don't like, and stay calm and understanding when you do. Once she has answered questions like, "It seems you disapprove of X seeing me. Can you help me understand?" and "Is there a reason you think I am a bad choice of girlfriend for X?" you'll have a good idea of what's really going on in her mind.

She might just feel that she's losing her son, but there may also be other information you don't know. She might think that you have a bad influence on him somehow, and if you can find out what it would take for her to change her perception, you'll be one step closer to gaining her approval. 

While you're talking with her, you can also highlight that you both love X and want what's best for him, and how her disapproval puts him in a tough place that's not fair to him. You can highlight that since she's a good mom and loves her son, maybe you could join forces to make sure he feels as much love as he deserves from both of you.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Sounds to me that your BF needs to take off the diapers and move out. I've read a few very similar sounding stories from women who are married and dealing with similar behavior from their husbands who cannot say "boo" to their mommies. It also sounds like mom needs to get a date. 

I've read a lot of Kathy's posts as well, and find the advice to be good. If BF works on growing a pair and you follow the advice about trying to understand mom, maybe the result will be what you hope.

If that doesn't work though, and things stay the same, I'd assume this would continue after marriage as well. If you can fix it before, that would be wonderful, but don't look at marriage as the super cure if other approaches don't succeed. Good luck!


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## ajda (Jul 26, 2012)

PM1 said:


> Sounds to me that your BF needs to take off the diapers and move out. I've read a few very similar sounding stories from women who are married and dealing with similar behavior from their husbands who cannot say "boo" to their mommies. It also sounds like mom needs to get a date.
> 
> I've read a lot of Kathy's posts as well, and find the advice to be good. If BF works on growing a pair and you follow the advice about trying to understand mom, maybe the result will be what you hope.
> 
> If that doesn't work though, and things stay the same, I'd assume this would continue after marriage as well. If you can fix it before, that would be wonderful, but don't look at marriage as the super cure if other approaches don't succeed. Good luck!


The thing is that I tried to talked with my boyfriend about ''growing up'' and ''taking off the diapers'' many times, but he says I don't understand that his mother needs his help in life and things like that. I don't know what kind of approach to take to talk to him in a way that he will understand I respect his mother and understand that she needs him, but that I also need him to be by my side as my bf and that I'm not making him choose between her and me. :/


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Single divorced mommies seem the be the worse kind. They dedicate themselves 100% to their kids and they are trouble for the in laws...


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