# Just holding my breath



## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

Hello, I'm new here. I don't know if I need advise or just a shoulder to cry on. My husband of 23 years told me last week he's leaving and apparantly wants a finalized divorce soon to follow. 

Eight years ago he told me he didn't want to be married and didn't love me anymore. I was devastated. But he didn't want a divorce because he didn't want to break up our family. So we tried for years and kind of got used to things. Although there was still a lot of pain. During this time he deployed twice. Once we lived apart for two years with a few short visits. The last time we lived apart for a year and a few months. With a couple of short visits. Any military folks here will know what I'm talking about. 

He's been home for a little over a year from this last deployment. This time when he came back things seemed different. Better. It was like the man I married again. He even surprised me with a expensive muscle car (my dream) that he planned and got while he was deployed for the year. Just a few weeks after coming home he told me he loved me. I was crying at the time because I had just told him yet again and he again didn't say it back. But this time when he told me I thought my prayers had finally been answered.

He told me for a year that he loved me but it just never felt quite right and I didn't know why. Well, a few months ago he told me he had been lying this past year. He said the minute it came out of his mouth that night he knew it was wrong.

He said for him he's tried for 10 years and there's just nothing there. That he's tired of being unhappy. He's just worn down and "done". I have an unconditional love for him and beleive marriage is forever. He knows this. 

A week ago he told me he's looking for a place. I begged him to just give it one more try. At least stay until our yongest graduates from high school in a few months but he said no. He wants things finalized before he leaves to go to his new duty station this summer.

He's going to retire in about two years. Just one more duty station and retirement. Something he knows I've been looking forward to. Instead of starting our new chapter as empty nesters together and looking forward to grandchildren together. He's leaving me. And there's a very good chance I will never see him again after the summer. Our kids are too old for custody arrangements.

So this summer my husband is divorcing me and trying to get stationed overseas, our oldest is moving out, and our yougest is going away to college.I'm left alone. I'm not just losing the love of my life. I'm losing everything. All at the same time. I'm completely heartbroken. All I've done for months is cry and pray. I can barely make it through a day at work. I'm a teacher and can't show my feelings in front of my children. I love my husband more than anything and can't even imagine my life without him. We grew up together. Have been together since we were young kids. This marriage is everything to me and I can never give up on it. I can't even discribe the pain.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

All of us on this site know the pain you are experiencing however "this too shall pass" I dont feel like im in the best position to give advice because im going thru the "im done" too just in a diff way. Please take this time to find yourself again! Keep writing here and do the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Yup - 180 for yourself.

You can control what you do - you have NO control over what your H does.


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

I've read a little bit about the 180 on here. I have never heard of it before so I'm not sure I know enough about it. I'm not opposed to doing it and I know it's suppose to be for me. But I'm afraid of it making things worse between my husband and I. I'm just not sure......does it really bring marriages back together? Even when love is completely lost and for so long?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You will hear this quite often here in TAM:

*"You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it".*

The 180 approach is specifically for YOU - to help you regain your self-respect and dignity, and prepare you for whatever happens going forward.

Here's the 180:

Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

Thank you. Wow! That will take some work but sounds healthy. A lot of this I have been doing for a few months already. But, I've been doing a lot of sulking in front of him which reminds him of what he's doing to me. As a result he feels bad/guilty so he doesn't look at me much or talk to me much most of the time. Also, I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't been eating or sleeping much. I'm small already and have lost 12 pounds. I am or used to be a gym rat but haven't been to the gym in 4 months.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Then get your azz in gear!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Get to the gym, get some counseling (or atleast talk to friends) and take care of yourself (and kids).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

The biggest thing is to remember that you're not doing this to get him back (even though you really do want this). You can't make him change. But you can change you. You were a person before you met him, and you are still a person, and you'll be a person if he doesn't come back. 

I know it's extremely hard when you've given your all to a relationship, with the idea that it's til death do you part. It requires a total mind change on your part. If you can, try to find a support group for women in your situation (might there be something like that for military wives? Not sure if you live on base or not). Finding women who know and can identify with your situation is soooo helpful. 

Don't just 'act' like you're moving on with your life -- do it! It doesn't mean you don't love him or that you don't care about your marriage. It means you care about you, and you care about your kids. You are still their mom, even if they're on their own. You are important.


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

I've been thinking of nothing but this since last night. Couldn't sleep much last night thinking of it. I want to do the 180 but I can't wrap my mind around doing it just for me. I'm afraid I would be doing it for the wrong reason and will end up with even more disappointment. At this point I'm really not sure just how much more disappointment I can take.

I just can't get his words out of my mind "just let me go". I can't do that. It goes against everything I believe, everything I know and everything I am. I'm so afraid of trying the 180 and it ending our marriage even faster. 

I'm trying to soak in every last minute I have left with him. I never know if this will be the last night I sleep next to him in our bed. If this will be our last family dinner. If this is the last time he comes home from work. I don't know when he's going to say "I found somewhere to live. It's time to tell the kids". It could be tonight. It could be tomorrow.....

I have literally already decided to never get married or date again. When I said my vows I meant them. I asked him and he said he will date but said that's not what this is about for him. I made my decision as a young girl. To me divorce doesn't end love or marriage. So I'm not just mourning the loss of my best friend and love of my life. I'm also mourning my happiness knowing I will be alone the rest of my life. He knows my feelings on this and said "it is your choice" to live that way. When in all actuality I haven't had a choice in anything. He's deciding my life fr me. When I gave up 23 years of my life for him to live his life. I've followed him all over the country, raised our kids alone, waited and waited on him worrying for someone in military dress to knock on the door and tell me he was killed in action, living alone across the country with no family and not knowing a single soul while he was away for weeks or months at a time training, etc.......I just don't understand when it's finally almost time to retire and settle somewhere he throws me out like the trash. And he knows 
I love him more than life itself. But, he's just does with me. It all seems so unfair and it really seems like a dream I'll just wake up from. I never thought in a million years he would ever do this to me or our family. He really doesn't even seem like........him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has he found someone else? Why is he moving on now, at this particular point in time?

You are far too invested in him, too dependent on him for your happiness. You need to let him go. You do. And you need to teach yourself how to be happy on your own. You have to stop wallowing and start looking forward to being on your own. Look for the good stuff about it. You will have to dig really deeply at first, but it's a mindset. You need to reset your way of thinking so that everything doesn't include HIM. 

The 180 does sound totally counter intuitive, but it also works. Have a read at my story (link in my signature) to see. There are other stories around here about it working too, and many where the spouse left behind didn't use it and things didn't work out.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry, Dawn. Your post is really heartrending. I wasn't married as long, nor was I a military wife, but I can certainly empathize with those feelings.

He is being incredibly selfish right now. And one thing you'll see time and time again, if you start reading up on relationships ending, is that the one who makes the announcement has had time to detach, time to deal with the feelings of loss, or grief, or whatever. By the time s/he tells the other spouse, they're past all of that, while it's like a ton of bricks being dropped out of the blue for the spouse being given the news. 

It's hard to think of him this way, but he has changed. Fundamentally. He is not the man you fell in love with and married. Letting this man go is not the same. This man is really already gone. You won't be ending your marriage faster if you do the 180. You're right: he already make that choice for you. It takes 2 committed people to make a marriage work. You can't do it by yourself. 

As to this being the end of your happiness -- right now, it seems that way. But as long as you are alive and breathing, you have a chance for happiness again. You deserve a man who appreciates all the time you raised the kids on your own, all the fear you dealt with wondering if you were ever going to see him again, all the sacrifices you made. I wish it was your husband. I'd kick his ass for you if I could, and I'm sure I could round up a few hundred other people here who would help.

It is more than just loving him or losing him. You're right. But in a way, as a military wife, you've already had to learn to deal with the possibility of starting over on your own at any given moment. Not for the same reason as this, of course, but I'm sure it's something you've thought about having to do. 

Just as you would have gone on in that type of situation, you need to go on now. You are important, and you deserve to be happy. 

Is there any possibility in your mind that there's someone else? If not, then it could be that he never really got back on board after what he told you 8 years ago. In which case, you were stuck living with a liar, who cheated you out of years of your life. Get angry. And fight back. It may seem too early, but -- go see an attorney. Make sure you know what your full rights are as the wife of a career military person. Don't let yourself lose out on anything due to timing in when he files vs. when he retires, or something like that. Do it now.


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

He said there's never been anyone else and I've never saw anything to lead meto beleive there has been. He just tells me it's not about that. It's just he's been unhappy for so long and he's worn down. Why he waits this long to do this now I don't know. He's acted like a loving husband weather or not he felt it or not for years. I confronted him back in October and after confessing it was like a light switch. He just turned everything off. 

I've been with him a total of 26 years. Since I was 14. It's so hard to think of life without him. He's my family. It's like giving up one of my children. I put everything in that promise he made to me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know it's hard, and I know you don't want to, but unless you detach from him you're going to keep spiraling downwards.

Huge hugs to you.


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## tightinthebud (Jan 7, 2013)

I am a military spouse and I know how hard it is sacrificing your life,dreams, etc.. for your spouse. Its a total investment that it is different than some other marriages in a lot of ways. 

But you have to find something for YOURSELF. You have to do what you have to do to get your mind off of him. It is time to focus on you. He has emotionally disconnected from you, deployments can have that effect, another woman, etc.. but what is most important is that you don't blame yourself. Don't chase him, do not beg. He doesn't deserve you.

Please consult a lawyer who has experience in military divorces and protect yourself and your future.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I know it's hard, and I know you don't want to, but unless you detach from him you're going to keep spiraling downwards.


Dawn: You've tried begging and pleading. It isn't working. 
Try something different. 

I'd think most here would advise you to tell him to go ahead and leave now. If there is anyway you can build up your nerve to do it.


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

In the end I have to be able to say I put EVERYTHING I had in it. I just can't understand how you can spend so many years with someone and there be absolutely nothing there. How is that even possible?


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

Well, last night he told me he was looking for a place the next day or two and leaving this weekend. As usual I broke down and pleaded for him to stay until our youngest son graduated high school so we don't ruin his senior year memories. He refused. After hours of pleading he finally said he wouldn't look for a place today and would think about it for our son.

I thought about it a lot today and finally realized there's no changing his mind. After putting everything I have in it for 8 years trying to fix it I've failed. He doesn't know but I'm asking him to tell our boys tonight. And I'm giving him what he wants and letting him go. I'm left with no other choices.

He said something last night that will be forever branded on my heart. He said besides from missing the kids, in 8 years the only time he's been happy is when he was deployed. That hurt. It's so hard to quit on a 23 year marriage that I want with all my heart. But, I feel like I've exhausted all means. The harder I try the farther I push him away. He doesn't want me. I'm going to leave it in God's hands.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You didn't fail, Dawn. It takes two to make a marriage work. If he was done that long ago, he should have told you. That was cruel. He's being cruel now. He is shifting the blame for this all onto you. A common tactic. Don't buy into it. 

You weren't perfect, but you aren't the cause of this. Turn your energy towards taking care of yourself and being there for your kids. 

I know it's hard, but from this point on, NO MORE begging and pleading!! When you feel the urge to, leave the room, or literally bite your tongue or something til the urge passes. Go no-contact with him, except for the kids or to discuss legal things. 

And if you haven't yet -- *go to an attorney!!!*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Begging and groveling isn't putting ANYthing into the marriage. The fact you feel like you have to beg and grovel says a lot about the lack of anything left in your marriage. Any spouse who finds themselves begging for the other to stay needs to realize that, at that point, they must let go, because to continue begging is to continue on their own downward path.

The ONLY way to get off that downward path is to brush yourself off, let your spouse go, and determine to start doing things for YOU. Figure out what makes YOU happy, that does NOT include him, and go for it.

Stay strong, and let him go. It should have been done years ago. If it had, you'd be in a MUCH better place today.


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## *Dawn (Jan 8, 2013)

I prepared myself for this all day and was somewhat at peace with it for him to come home from work and throw a wrench into it. He said he had been thinking and i was right. It was selfish for him to ruin our son's senior year. He thought f how he would feel if it were him as a senior in high school and how he would feel. He said he was staying until our son graduates and then he would leave. I wasn't happy and relieved like he expected me to be. I then told him I had already decided we were telling the kids tonight. That I'm tired of lying to them. And that he just needed to go ahead and leave tonight to like he's wanted to do so bad. I told him I don't really think I want him here anymore. We kind of left it at I wasn't sure. I told him I didn't want to lie to the kids anymore. He just insisted he stay. I don't understand when this is what I begged him to do for the last two weeks. Wait until after our son graduates. I said it so many times and he said no. He said I guess I wasn't really listening to you. What?! I was so close to just moving on with my life. It was almost a relief for him to go. But, I know the right thing to do is do what would be best for my son. And not ruining his senior year and all his memories is the right thing. He cones first.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Begging and groveling isn't putting ANYthing into the marriage. The fact you feel like you have to beg and grovel says a lot about the lack of anything left in your marriage. Any spouse who finds themselves begging for the other to stay needs to realize that, at that point, they must let go, because to continue begging is to continue on their own downward path.
> 
> The ONLY way to get off that downward path is to brush yourself off, let your spouse go, and determine to start doing things for YOU. Figure out what makes YOU happy, that does NOT include him, and go for it.
> 
> Stay strong, and let him go. It should have been done years ago. If it had, you'd be in a MUCH better place today.



If I'dda known then...what I know now...had I found this place the first time...second time ...third...fourth...5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 13 14 15 .... 61 62 63,....<<(think I'm exaggerating his walking out?) times my stbx shthead walked out on me...I would not be...or have been in such a depth of pain...as I am/have been now. (ups and downs/roller coaster)
Seriously...and as I was living it... 'i knew' it was f'd up. Couselors said it was f'd up... but i didn't listen...:scratchhead:


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Same here! I would be lying if I told you the number of times my H walked and came bk..yeah its that many! If you can move on DO IT!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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