# How do you find yourself?



## need_some_strength (Nov 24, 2014)

We just started our separation. I have been told that I need to focus on myself, make myself happy. I need to find myself.

How do you do that? How do you start? I'm so lost.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Do things you like to do, or use to do. If you have kids, get involved with their activities. That is what I did...well that and I started dating. Distractions are good because time is what you really need and distractions make time go by faster. What you don;t want to do is cycle on it mentally.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You start by not being in a relationship, and for a while, not even trying to be in a relationship. You will find out by default who you are when you no longer define yourself in relation to another person.

You can also pursue your existing interests and activities, and try new ones to find out what may appeal to you. A little contemplation and reflection on how you react to different scenarios, and how you feel when you're on your own and making decisions only for yourself can also go a long way to finding yourself. Of course, you may find that some things don't make you happy - those are the things about yourself or your environment that you can work to change.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

need_some_strength said:


> We just started our separation. I have been told that I need to focus on myself, make myself happy. I need to find myself.
> 
> How do you do that? How do you start? I'm so lost.


I bought my own home after I separated back in May. Yard work has been therapeutic for me. I've never really done yard work; STBXH did it all. But I find that I enjoy it. Also keeping the house clean and just staying busy. It does take your mind off other things and has helped me in moving forward. 

What hobbies do you have?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

southern wife said:


> I bought my own home after I separated back in May. Yard work has been therapeutic for me. I've never really done yard work; STBXH did it all. But I find that I enjoy it. Also keeping the house clean and just staying busy. It does take your mind off other things and has helped me in moving forward.
> 
> What hobbies do you have?


OMG. I guess this shows how much I don't pay attention. I didn't realize you were separated and on the verge of divorce. I'm sorry to hear that. It's not that we communicate a lot, but we've been around a while. I always think of you as the one who started the "Feet and better Sex" thread. That's a fun thread. 

I'm glad you are moving forward.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Oddly, doing things for other people can help. That can distract you from thinking too much about yourself and your problems, and show you that there is still a lot more in the world to experience and, yes, enjoy and feel good about, in the world.

With the holiday season here, it's a perfect time to do things for other people. Find a holiday Toys for Tots kind of thing, or food and clothing drive, and then work to gather donations for needy families. Connecting with friends and family and neighbors and co-workers while doing so, will remind you of the good people in your life and the kindness they are capable of. 

If you have some elderly relatives or friends or neighbors who have trouble getting around, do something nice for them and go grocery shopping for them, or help them get their Christmas shopping or wrapping done. Help them hang Christmas lights, or shovel their walk for them when it snows. 

It feels good to be kind to others, so just the act of doing something nice for someone else, will help lift your spirits and give you something to feel good about. And it helps you learn about yourself, too, all the better to "find yourself."


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Can I ask, those who have moved on, did you find staying where you were was a good idea, or moving to a new place all together? 

How did you keep from looking at life without thinking,, "Im here because of..." ((of those who it might not had been what you wanted?))

~sammy


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Put up a medium size mirror at your front door. Tape a picture of yourself at age 10 right next to it.

As you leave, look in the mirror and think to yourself how you have changed since then. The innocence lost...

When you come home, look in that mirror and think to yourself how you have grown that day.

Simple steps to remind you, you are not the same as that 10 yr old. Things change. How do you want your life to go now?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Can I ask, those who have moved on, did you find staying where you were was a good idea, or moving to a new place all together?


Wherever you have close friends and family is usually a good place to heal and refresh. "Finding yourself" isn't something that happens in a linear way. You'll have fits and starts, will have good days and bad days. Family and friends are great to have around to remind you what matters most, to laugh with you, and to cheer you on as you figure it all out.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I had to "find myself" after my H's affair. It took several years. My whole life evolved around my H and my children. Accepting things for what they are and making decisions based on reality has helped me a lot.

Forcing myself to get involved in new things has helped. I quit reading books on how to heal my marriage, but began spending time with friends, learning new things, and dealing with my fear of divorce (I am not divorced, and I'm not afraid of it anymore.)

Volunteering to help put on different events my children participate in has helped me make friends (female friends.)

Taking brisk 4 1/2 mile walks through a mountainous area has helped me physically. I feel stronger, and have gotten back to my pre-marital weight, which has also helped my confidence.

It will take time, but keep pushing yourself to go outside your comfort zone. You'll eventually find things that truly interest you, whether they are new things or old things you had forgotten about.


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