# Looking for Advice on Post-Affair Exposure



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Around the time of my H's EA, I was confiding in a friend and learned that her H had a EA that turned PA with a woman on his softball team, ending over two years ago. The woman was either married or engaged and my friend was able to get her H to break it off through church counseling and throwing him out for about three days before he crawled home. She had not heard of TAM and never exposed. They are in R and from what I can see and what she has told me, they have a strong marriage. In person, he seems like a very nice man. He no longer plays softball and has no direct interaction with the OW (unless he's hiding it).

A few days ago, she told me that she had been keeping evidence from the affair such as texts, photos, emails, etc. and would like to send some of it to the OWH (same guy she was with during the affair, but unknown if they were married or engaged at that time). I see pros and cons of this, especially since she's younger than me, has young children and no family members were ever told. It's a somewhat different situation from my experience and because she's my friend, don't want my judgement clouded. Her H's was much worse, longer and had it been me, I would have divorced. 

So, what should I tell her? Expose to the OWH now or let it go? I have never told her about TAM, because at the time didn't think she needed it and because I don't want anyone I know to recognize my posts. So I'm going to be selfish and still not send her here, and just take your opinions into consideration and use them to try to give her good advice. Frankly, I lean towards exposing because it was such a bad PA, but I don't have young kids that could be affected by fallout, and I have the financial wherewithal to walk away any day I want. There's an empowerment in that.

Your advice is appreciated!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> So, what should I tell her? Expose to the OWH now or let it go?


IMO, there is not good reason to NOT expose this to the other unsuspecting BS.

The OW's H deserves to know what he is married to. That and when exposing, that really brings to light what her own husband thinks.

If he gets angry, then F him, divorce his ass. If he doesn't get angry and acts with a little remorse and humility, then your friend can decide how to proceed.

So yes, tell her to expose the OW to her husband


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would tell her that it's her decision to make whether to expose or not.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

There are many considerations to ponder here. First it is unknown whether the parties in question were even married at the time, still wrong even if engaged I believe, but nevertheless, they may not have been married. Second, does your friend know how their life has been for the last two years? Are there children involved? Maybe the OWH already knows the mess he's stepped in. However, if not, is it worth the possibility of tearing a marriage apart?

I would ask your friend if she is doing this purely out of vengeance or if she needs this exposure somehow for closure to help in her healing. If the former, I would say let it go. If it's the latter, then she needs to do what she needs to do to get better. She should have exposed at the time it occurred and the OWH could then decide not to marry or to D if already married.

Two years is a long time to sit on something, a lot of life can happen in two years. The OWH may even heavily resent your friend for not disclosing at the time and for waiting so long to say something. She may be viewed as selfishly manipulating this information by OWH even though the OW owns it and all the fallout.

So, if she needs it to help her heal then so be it but if it's just to get revenge then I would let it go. The OW was in it but without her WH it could not happen. Just my .02 worth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The OW definitely sounds predatory. If she was even with a BF while wh0ring around with your friends' H, the BF needs to be told.

It sounds like the b!tch was engaged or married. Of course he needs to know what he is entangled with.

Your friend should do this quickly and without telling her H what she is doing.

This poor other man might have children with her and he should have a clear view of who he is entangled with to make a good decision.

Your friend had a decision about her WH. The owh has been kept in the dark and fed sh!t.

She should do it for the owh. It is the decent and right thing to do.

Also, if your friends' H is still carrying on his affair, it will be readily evident.

Your friend is under no obligation to tell her H anything about this exposure. He should not even be aware if his AP is still breathing right now.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

1) It makes a difference whether OW and OWH were married at the time of the affair or not. Can you find out?
2) How long was the affair?
3) How does your friend know that there is still NC between her WH and OW?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I would tell her that it's her decision to make whether to expose or not.


This would be the correct response, and I have tried saying this to some extent. But she is looking for a friend's advice since I did expose, and it was a very effective tool...and done at the time to blow up the EA. I don't want to leave her hanging with no opinions at all.

My concerns are that if her H is behaving (and we assume this to be the case), then my hesitation on exposure is that the OWH deserves the info but I also don't want my friend to have any future damage to her marriage...say if OWH starts drama with her family, etc. I am concerned for her kids to experience more pain now that the A is past.

I get the feeling that it is for both revenge and healing. She watched me expose with success and for her, hindsight is 20/20.

So strange for me...if this was an anonymous poster on TAM, I would say to expose, but because this is someone I know I'm wishy washy.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

kalimata said:


> 1) It makes a difference whether OW and OWH were married at the time of the affair or not. Can you find out? *She can see their FB pages but it doesn't show their marriage date. Her H told her at the time they were just engaged. So she would have to really dig to find out for sure.*
> 
> 2) How long was the affair? *The EA was probably a year and the PA was for approx. two months before she found out. The relationship dragged on for about 2-3 months after DDay.*
> 
> 3) How does your friend know that there is still NC between her WH and OW? *Realistically, she doesn't. I've told her how to check phone records and look up numbers and she does have access to his email and FB...but if someone wants to cheat they will find a way.*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It might cause waves but that is her H's fault and he should be prepared to swallow it.

The OW has had no repercussions and is most certainly still screwing over others including her SO.

She may even try to start up with your friends' H again.

She is a viper and people should know before they are bitten.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

kalimata said:


> 1) It makes a difference whether OW and OWH were married at the time of the affair or not.


No, it doesn't.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

M only real issue here is with the time lag. If this was present day I would say no option but to expose but because so much time has passed and since her H is supposedly on the straight and narrow...I don't know what benefit is to be gained at this late time. I do understand the OWH has the right to know but after two years I fear it may be seen as cruel and vindictive rather than just disclosing the truth.

Furthermore, if the OW is still a cheater then the OWH will find out in due time. Is it better he find out now? Do they have children? If not, then he should know this before starting a family with her. If so, then will the marriage break up now over this or possibly at some point in the future if and when she cheats again? If she never cheats again do they live happily ever after? This is a tough one to advise. I would ask my friend how much of this is for healing and how much is for getting even.

And although the OW deserves whatever she gets, if there are now children involved, they and the OWH certainly do not deserve their family being nuked two years after the fact. Like I said, a lot to consider here.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

If she cheated while engaged, she more than likely will/has cheated while married.

From experience, my own, the desire for a huss to stop herself from cheating when a ring was put on her finger will not go away just because there is now a piece of paper with their signatures on it.

And a family shouldn't be nuked, the cheating WW shouldn't have fired the ICBM

Sorry, the children issue is a non issue. Its not an excuse to let an unsuspecting husband be unknowingly abused. My xW cheated while engaged. Nobody said a word. So she got away with it, and cheated during marriage. Finally I found out. Yes, I found out in "due time" as you would put it. But that was bulls**t for anyone to think I didn't deserve to know what she was doing and what kind of woman she is. 

People who are being cheated on should just be kept in the dark?? Really? Because of the kids? The kids will adjust and their well being should have been thought about from the person that betrayed their other parent.

Bah whats the use, let the poor sap continue to be married to a cheating skank. I give up


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

vellocet said:


> If
> Sorry, the children issue is a non issue. Its not an excuse to let an unsuspecting husband be unknowingly abused. My xW cheated while engaged. Nobody said a word. So she got away with it, and cheated during marriage. Finally I found out. Yes, I found out in "due time" as you would put it. But that was bulls**t for anyone to think I didn't deserve to know what she was doing and what kind of woman she is.


I was referring to my friend's kids, not any spawn of the OW. They had to watch their parents near-destruction the first time.

As a man, if you received this info two years after it ended, and let's say your wife is now behaving...how would you react? Would you go after the H of the woman who just informed you? I guess that's where my concern is. How would a man react?

Again, my gut is telling her to expose away. I'm having lunch with her on Friday and trying to dodge the issue until then so I can appear to be a very wise friend!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

vellocet said:


> No, it doesn't.


:iagree: As long as they were in a committed relationship it, I say it matters as he deserves to know the type of person he is with and their "true" character.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I was referring to my friend's kids, not any spawn of the OW. They had to watch their parents near-destruction the first time.
> 
> As a man, if you received this info two years after it ended, and let's say your wife is now behaving...how would you react? Would you go after the H of the woman who just informed you? I guess that's where my concern is. How would a man react?
> 
> Again, my gut is telling her to expose away. I'm having lunch with her on Friday and trying to dodge the issue until then so I can appear to be a very wise friend!


That's a hard one. I would think it would depend upon how things were at the time. If she was still "associating" with the AP then most definitely, but if everything is over I might let that slide and just work on getting her out of my life.

You need to know that a few years of "behaving" DO NOT erase the years of betrayal and pain inflicted. It makes it worse knowing that you have been made the fool and have been living a lie. At least that is my take on it. I would probably want to exact some sort of "score evening" though. But then it is only fair, as why should he get to ruin my life and walk away scott free??


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> That's a hard one. I would think it would depend upon how things were at the time. If she was still "associating" with the AP then most definitely, but if everything is over I might let that slide and just work on getting her out of my life.
> 
> You need to know that a few years of "behaving" DO NOT erase the years of betrayal and pain inflicted. It makes it worse knowing that you have been made the fool and have been living a lie. At least that is my take on it. I would probably want to exact some sort of "score evening" though. But then it is only fair, as why should he get to ruin my life and walk away scott free??


That's how I feel but I'm afraid that I'm using my own experience for that. Had I not exposed, and now had the opportunity to do so...I would! But my kids are grown and would gleefully be helping me do it. My H would say "Do what makes you feel better. You have every right. I accept any fallout".

I would also want to hear from someone if my H had been in an affair that already ended. Not sure how I'd react if the man called me and said "Hey, my wife and your husband had an affair that ended a few years ago. I'm staying with my wife and for the sake of my young kids I'd ask that you leave us alone. I simply felt you should know.". The OW in my situation did not have kids. Again, it's a different perspective.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

vellocet said:


> If she cheated while engaged, she more than likely will/has cheated while married.
> 
> From experience, my own, the desire for a huss to stop herself from cheating when a ring was put on her finger will not go away just because there is now a piece of paper with their signatures on it.
> 
> ...


I agree with you that odds are favorable that she will cheat again and anyone with current or recent knowledge should tell her H immediately, that is not the case here. Absolutely she should not have fired the ICBM but she did, two years ago, that we know of. And, at the time the ICBM was fired, there were none of her children in its strike zone, there may be now. I don't know if kids will prevent her from ever cheating again and that is why I said her H would find out in due time IF she is still a cheater. I also said that if no kids are involved he should be told so he can decide if he wants to start a family with her.

The thought of kids most likely never crossed her mind but just because she didn't consider them does that mean now that no one should?

And people who *are* being cheated on deserve to know, period. We are talking about *was* cheated on, two years ago, possibly before marriage. All I meant is that now, two years later, there are additional circumstances to consider.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

As a man, I would be far more concerned with my wife. With that being said..... I would want to know who it was.

If I found out he was someone who interacted with me or close friends, I would go after him. Most of my wrath would be on my wife though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> I agree with you that odds are favorable that she will cheat again and anyone with current or recent knowledge should tell her H immediately, that is not the case here. Absolutely she should not have fired the ICBM but she did, two years ago, that we know of. And, at the time the ICBM was fired, there were none of her children in its strike zone, there may be now. I don't know if kids will prevent her from ever cheating again and that is why I said her H would find out in due time IF she is still a cheater. I also said that if no kids are involved he should be told so he can decide if he wants to start a family with her.
> 
> The thought of kids most likely never crossed her mind but just because she didn't consider them does that mean now that no one should?
> 
> And people who *are* being cheated on deserve to know, period. We are talking about *was* cheated on, two years ago, possibly before marriage. All I meant is that now, two years later, there are additional circumstances to consider.


But as you bing up the ideal of children being involved now, doesn't the unsuspecting BS in that situation have the right to know that the spouse cheated and the kids may not be his? I think that this is something he deserves to be privy to and decide if he wants to find out or not, but either way she is od suspect character, and the lying and covering up for years proves it all the more.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> If I found out he was someone who interacted with me or close friends, I would go after him. Most of my wrath would be on my wife though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So if you get a call (or letter or FB message, etc.) from a woman that you really don't know who says her H had an affair with your W that ended years ago, what would you do? If she said to you, "Look, I'm staying with my H. He has changed, regrets everything and is now a wonderful life partner and father. Please don't go after him. We have small kids. I just wanted you to know.", what would you do? I think it would be harder for a man to limit his response to just his wife. More so than if genders were reversed.

This is my quandary!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Two years into reconciliation and now she wants to re-open the can of worms? Why? Why is she suddenly bent on exposure when she wasn't and didn't two years ago?

If she thinks she needs this to heal, then she and her H haven't done enough work in reconciliation. There's more they need to do. I don't know what, but she wouldn't suddenly have this burning need to expose if she and her H were doing well in their reconciliation. I would point her to her own marriage and ask her to consider how well their reconciliation is going, and remind her that exposing won't actually fix a damn thing that's wrong right now, but will exacerbate it.

If she wants to do this to get revenge now that's she's feeling better about her marriage, or because things aren't going well, she will be disappointed. She won't feel better - she'll be re-triggering herself to get revenge, with all the attendant fall-out after that, with or without any retaliation from the OW or OWH.

Dig in your own back yard, not other people's. The focus should always be on the health of your own marriage rather than getting distracted from your own problems by trying to involve other people in it for a second time. This sudden desire to expose is a distraction, and a desire to destabilize the marriage and reconciliation by putting her H on blast again (yes, that is what she would be doing by exposing).


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> But as you bing up the ideal of children being involved now, doesn't the unsuspecting BS in that situation have the right to know that the spouse cheated and the kids may not be his? I think that this is something he deserves to be privy to and decide if he wants to find out or not, but either way she is od suspect character, and the lying and covering up for years proves it all the more.


If there is a chance of anyone's children being spawned by an affair partner, then I say all bets are off. Expose, expose, expose!!!!! In this case, I'm not aware of that being an issue.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't know what, but she wouldn't suddenly have this burning need to expose if she and her H were doing well in their reconciliation. I would point her to her own marriage and ask her to consider how well their reconciliation is going, and remind her that exposing won't actually fix a damn thing that's wrong right now, but will exacerbate it.
> 
> If she wants to do this to get revenge now that's she's feeling better about her marriage, or because things aren't going well, she will be disappointed. She won't feel better - she'll be re-triggering herself to get revenge, with all the attendant fall-out after that, with or without any retaliation from the OW or OWH.


Excellent points. Maybe there is more going on than she is telling me.

Has anyone on here ever exposed long after the fact, and if so, how did it go?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> So if you get a call (or letter or FB message, etc.) from a woman that you really don't know who says her H had an affair with your W that ended years ago, what would you do? If she said to you, "Look, I'm staying with my H. He has changed, regrets everything and is now a wonderful life partner and father. Please don't go after him. We have small kids. I just wanted you to know.", what would you do? I think it would be harder for a man to limit his response to just his wife. More so than if genders were reversed.
> 
> This is my quandary!


If he was totally removed from all aspects of my life, I would probably leave him alone. If not, I could not resist destroying him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> If there is a chance of anyone's children being spawned by an affair partner, then I say all bets are off. Expose, expose, expose!!!!! In this case, I'm not aware of that being an issue.


Yes, your friend's WH might not be the donor, but doesn't the OWH deserve the right to know as she might have cheated with another AP after and they might be the donor? It just seems that if she is willing to chance it once and not reveal the A, that she is willing to chance it again and hide it if so just like she has the other A (as she suffered no loss or consequences from her jaunt). This OWH deserves to know what type of character his WW exhibits, point blank. 

If your friends H can't take the heat that results from his actions, then the M is on shaky ground anyway and it is only a matter of time before the next "issue" arises and causes the house of cards to fall. I say iff she is contemplating doing it then support her in her decision (as there is probably more going on here than you are privy to). She needs to know that her feelings matter as well, as she is putting his concerns above hers (something he never did due to his A).


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Excellent points. Maybe there is more going on than she is telling me.
> 
> Has anyone on here ever exposed long after the fact, and if so, how did it go?


Yes, somewhat.... I exposed and supposedly they were no longer physically interacting (I have pretty much proven it through their correspondence) and hadn't for over a year, but they were still carrying on through email, FB, text, etc. I exposed and his W divorced him and took him to the cleaners. Of course when I exposed he challenged me to find the proof and expose it. I took the challenge and it cost him in the end. I might have been willing to let it go, except he threw the gauntlet in my face and very smugly at that. GAME ON!!! 

We were trying to R and the exposure proved what I thought all along, the STBXW was a liar and cheater and felt no remorse for her actions (even though it hurt our children, broke up 4 families, and destroyed everyone's reputation, she felt nothing. Better to know then and not waste another year as I had already while in false R.)


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Yes, somewhat.... I exposed and supposedly they were no longer physically interacting (I have pretty much proven it through their correspondence) and hadn't for over a year, but they were still carrying on through email, FB, text, etc. I exposed and his W divorced him and took him to the cleaners. Of course when I exposed he challenged me to find the proof and expose it. I took the challenge and it cost him in the end. I might have been willing to let it go, except he threw the gauntlet in my face and very smugly at that. GAME ON!!!
> 
> We were trying to R and the exposure proved what I thought all along, the STBXW was a liar and cheater and felt no remorse for her actions (even though it hurt our children, broke up 4 families, and destroyed everyone's reputation, she felt nothing. Better to know then and not waste another year as I had already while in false R.)



In that situation, I would be right there with you, pitchfork in hand!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I was referring to my friend's kids, not any spawn of the OW.


I know, but a respondent was referring to the OW's kids.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> And people who *are* being cheated on deserve to know, period. We are talking about *was* cheated on, two years ago, possibly before marriage. All I meant is that now, two years later, there are additional circumstances to consider.


Two years ago aint jack. If I was cheated on by someone 1 month ago, because its in that past, that's different and I necessarily shouldn't be told? What is your statute of limitations?

So basically what you are saying is now that there are different circumstances, he shouldn't be told. He is just out of luck and doomed to be with a skank, eh?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Here is a question for you YR, do you know how old the OW's kids are?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Here is a question for you YR, do you know how old the OW's kids are?



I don't even know if OW has kids. Someone else brought that into the discussion. My concern with kids was about possibly bringing new disruption to the my friend's kids.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Well as far as the "new circumstances" that was brought up, the OW's kids, and this cheating was 2 years ago, then the kids, if they are the OW's husband's, are probably no more than 15 months old.

So question is, IS there kids and if not, and IF it mattered in the first place, then I'd recommend telling. She cheated on the guy either during marriage or engagement.

If there are kids involved, since this happened 2 year prior and assuming they didn't have kids while engaged, they are really young and there is a possibility of them not being the husband's.....hence another good reason to tell.

YR, as far as your friend's kids, there won't be any disruption. What is this OW gonna do that would matter that wouldn't get her a restraining order?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

vellocet said:


> YR, as far as your friend's kids, there won't be any disruption. What is this OW gonna do that would matter that wouldn't get her a restraining order?


I guess my worry is that OWH will go after friend's H in some way causing stress to a marriage and kids.

At this point, I am most likely going to tell her I support her no matter what she decides (obviously) but my advice would be to tell. OWH deserves to know.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Around the time of my H's EA, I was confiding in a friend and learned that her H had a EA that turned PA with a woman on his softball team, ending over two years ago. The woman was either married or engaged and my friend was able to get her H to break it off through church counseling and throwing him out for about three days before he crawled home. She had not heard of TAM and never exposed. They are in R and from what I can see and what she has told me, they have a strong marriage. In person, he seems like a very nice man. He no longer plays softball and has no direct interaction with the OW (unless he's hiding it).
> 
> A few days ago, she told me that she had been keeping evidence from the affair such as texts, photos, emails, etc. and would like to send some of it to the OWH (same guy she was with during the affair, but unknown if they were married or engaged at that time). I see pros and cons of this, especially since she's younger than me, has young children and no family members were ever told. It's a somewhat different situation from my experience and because she's my friend, don't want my judgement clouded. Her H's was much worse, longer and had it been me, I would have divorced.
> 
> ...



I would var his car and such. If she is sure there is no contact, I would probably let it stay in the past. If there is contact, or she verify's that he is thinking about her, or talking about her to others and if the OW is still on his mind, then yes, I would tell the OW husband.

It is great to let the innocent spouses know what they are dealing with, however, one needs to put their now family first at some point.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I guess my worry is that OWH will go after friend's H in some way causing stress to a marriage and kids.


Well, you have a point. Hadn't thought about that.

Tough call, but even then I don't know of many men, worth their salt, that would desire to go after another man in front of his kids.

Then again, if we assume that OWH will go after your H, we would be attributing lousy character to the OW's husband. I prefer to give the guy the benefit of the doubt unless you or your friend know what he is like. 
If he is like me, your friend's kids would be fine.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Well, you have a point. Hadn't thought about that.
> 
> Tough call, but even then I don't know of many men, worth their salt, that would desire to go after another man in front of his kids.
> 
> ...


And I don't necessarily mean the OWH driving over and beating up my friend's H in the front yard. Calling him out online, by phone, in person would create stress. She never exposed to family so what if they found out now? Kids are smart and would know if mommy and daddy were fighting again.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> And I don't necessarily mean the OWH driving over and beating up my friend's H in the front yard. Calling him out online, by phone, in person would create stress. She never exposed to family so what if they found out now? Kids are smart and would know if mommy and daddy were fighting again.


actually after seeing all the comments, I would be careful to expose now. she is almost better off waiting to let more time pass and then tell a bit later. Things are just starting to cool off at the 2 year point.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Or your friend could expose to the OWH, but have an understanding that if he is going to confront her H that he respect her wishes and do so when the kids are nowhere around.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Or your friend could expose to the OWH, but have an understanding that if he is going to confront her H that he respect her wishes and do so when the kids are nowhere around.


Not to bash, but men aren't always reasonable when confronted with bad news. If a woman tells you your wife is a ho, but please don't bring her H into it, even though he's the one who fVcked her...how would you react. It's now your DDay.

"Sure ma'am. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will let your H alone. Please have a happy marriage."

Do you see that happening?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Not to bash, but men aren't always reasonable when confronted with bad news. If a woman tells you your wife is a ho, but please don't bring her H into it, even though he's the one who fVcked her...how would you react. It's now your DDay.
> 
> "Sure ma'am. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will let your H alone. Please have a happy marriage."
> 
> Do you see that happening?


This goes both ways. I know that women tend to be less violent, but they also get away with it more. Whereas a man would get arrested for certain violent acts, lots of times women get a bye (so they are just as nasty and vengeful but it is not noticed as such since they are generally never arrested and charged like men are). Women are just as upset when they are broached with the same situation, it is really no different male or female (although women like to think they are more civilized and handle things better).


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Not to bash, but men aren't always reasonable when confronted with bad news.


Oh I agree. But I think most of that "unreasonable" reaction would be directed more towards the cheating wife.

If you came to me and, if I were married again, and told me my wife was cheating with your husband, and you had proof, I'd go off on my so-called wife. I may confront your husband, but he isn't worth going to jail over. I'd simply let him know what a POS he is and that he doesn't deserve you or his family.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Not to bash, but men aren't always reasonable when confronted with bad news. If a woman tells you your wife is a ho, but please don't bring her H into it, even though he's the one who fVcked her...how would you react. It's now your DDay.
> 
> "Sure ma'am. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will let your H alone. Please have a happy marriage."
> 
> Do you see that happening?


I have a bad temper and advocate revenge/repercussions for all involved and I would never cause direct stress to the wife and children of the other man. He would certainly get his if he was in my sphere of influence, just not to the direct detriment of his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Oh I agree. But I think most of that "unreasonable" reaction would be directed more towards the cheating wife.


I don't know why you say that when you, and many others here, are usually gung-ho for smashing the "POS OM's" face in when a male BS finds out about his cheating wife, going to "POS OM's" workplace and blowing up his job, and doing anything and everything to ruin the "POS OM's" life. And when reminded that the BS should focus on the damage to his own family, there is the refrain about not letting the "POS OM" get away scot free.

But NOW you think the BS will direct his behavior toward his cheating wife and not the "POS OM" in this situation? Unbelievable.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I also condone revenge/karma/repercussions. But only of a non-violent nature and NEVER where it would be in sight of the kids.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't know why you say that when you, and many others here, are usually gung-ho for smashing the "POS OM's" face in when a male BS finds out about his cheating wife, going to "POS OM's" workplace and blowing up his job, and doing anything and everything to ruin the "POS OM's" life. And when reminded that the BS should focus on the damage to his own family, there is the refrain about not letting the "POS OM" get away scot free.
> 
> But NOW you think the BS will direct his behavior toward his cheating wife and not the "POS OM" in this situation? Unbelievable.



Oh my my my. You really never read what I say then.

I have NEVER advocated physical violence against the OM. You must be thinking of someone else.

I have said that anger at the OM/OW, whomever, is justified, but that it makes no sense to be madder at them than the person that cheated on you.

Please, show me where I said anything of the sort. I'll be waiting.

Unbelievable? Uh huh. Try getting it right first.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't know why you say that when you, and many others here, are usually gung-ho for smashing the "POS OM's" face in when a male BS finds out about his cheating wife, going to "POS OM's" workplace and blowing up his job, and doing anything and everything to ruin the "POS OM's" life. And when reminded that the BS should focus on the damage to his own family, there is the refrain about not letting the "POS OM" get away scot free.
> 
> But NOW you think the BS will direct his behavior toward his cheating wife and not the "POS OM" in this situation? Unbelievable.


It is truly beleiveable. Nice how you have written every man as a war monger though. According to your characterization, it would be impossible for a man to end an A either, as he is getting it in two places so why stop the celebration, right??? Not all men fit your stereotype.

Also, you are comparing apples and oranges. If the A was still going on you would most definitely see this type of reaction as it is a flaunting in the face of the BH, but if it is truly over and had been for 2 years then the emotions might be lessened (I say might be) as it will still be a D-Day, and he will trigger but if things were good for the last 2 years he may be able to move on (or at least that is the way the women like to write the script around here, that if it is over and time has passed that is good, then it is no big deal and just get over it and move on. These sorts of characterizations don't work well do they??) as the fact that in the exposure during the A, the arrogant OM is still destroying the family of the BH. 

Also no where here has it specifically been mentioned that the WH's name would be revealed or had too, just that the OWH would be told of his WW's A. It can always be done anonymously if there is this concern about retribution. The reporter could claim they were a friend of the cheating W and had just found out and though the BH needed to know.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Also no where here has it specifically been mentioned that the WH's name would be revealed or had too, just that the OWH would be told of his WW's A. It can always be done anonymously if there is this concern about retribution. The reporter could claim they were a friend of the cheating W and had just found out and though the BH needed to know.


Her idea was to send him some texts and emails that leave no question as to what was going on. Even if she did that anonymously and marked out contact info, he'll figure out who it is. I would guess he'll show the stuff to his wife, she'll freak out and admit who it is...or she might contact my friend and/or her H. Any way, some of it clearly shows the softball link so even with that, it cuts down the number of suspects. If he starts contacting random softball guys, then everyone will know which is not what she wants.

And sending a message that only says "your wife cheated on you" with nothing else probably will not be believed.

Thanks to everyone who is posting, even if you don't all agree. It is really helping me think things through and it's good to see other perspective's besides my own.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

An anonymous picture is worth a thousand words if she has one. I had several. When I exposed, you are correct in that the your H is cheating didn't get much belief, but when I was able to provide distinct proof it cemented the issue. I was able to tell details that no one but a close personal friend would know (such as recent work change, job application, and trip taken (route covered and all). That was enough to sway all concerns and questions. the picture just cemented the proof, as no one would just randomly send nude selfies for no reason.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> And sending a message that only says "your wife cheated on you" with nothing else probably will not be believed.


That's possible. But it should at the very least put the idea out there for him. Better than not saying anything at all, IMO


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't know why you say that *when you*, and many others here, are usually gung-ho for smashing the "POS OM's" face in when a male BS finds out about his cheating wife, going to "POS OM's" workplace and blowing up his job, and doing anything and everything to ruin the "POS OM's" life.


Still waiting. You having a hard time finding out where I said/advocated those things? Let me help you, it doesn't exist.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Oh my my my. You really never read what I say then.
> 
> I have NEVER advocated physical violence against the OM. You must be thinking of someone else.
> 
> ...


You are correct and I apologize. I looked through some old threads, and you are not one to promote violence as revenge, and you do promote focusing on the WS more than the OP.

I am sorry I mischaracterized your perspective.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Still waiting. You having a hard time finding out where I said/advocated those things? Let me help you, it doesn't exist.


Dude, you have a lot of posts. It takes a while to re-read to find the relevant ones.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I think there can be a lot of male bravado on TAM as far as the reaction of the male BS. A safe place to vent. It's one thing to say you're going to beat someone's azz, and actually doing it. I'm a female and I was saying some unladylike things about what I was going to do to OW after DDay. But some well-placed phone calls and texts to my in-laws and OW's main squeeze were just as efficient in making me feel better.

Heck, I'm always telling people on here to confront, expose and take action...but when it's impacting someone in my own circle I'm wimping out and asking for advice.

I'm planning to ask my H about it tonight for his perspective.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

norajane said:


> You are correct and I apologize. I looked through some old threads, and you are not one to promote violence as revenge, and you do promote focusing on the WS more than the OP.
> 
> I am sorry I mischaracterized your perspective.


Alrighty then. I must say I was surprised when you said that to me. I didn't want to get into with you because I likes ya 

No, but I never advocate doling out any consequences more severe than one wouldn't be willing to dole out to their cheating spouse. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I might want consequences for a cheating wife, but if I were to have stayed with her, then about the worst I'd do to the OM was exposure. Other than that he wasn't my main problem, the WS is. Sure, anger and some consequences for the OM/OW are perfectly normal to want. But they aren't the ones that directly betrayed their spouse.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

This is what I meant in my original post when I said there is much to ponder here. Parts of me agree with almost every post here but finding the one solution that offers the most benefit with the least collateral damage is the rub.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

yeah_right, 

Here's my 2 cents. Exposure usually is the most effective while an affair is still in the "emotional affair" stages, hasn't gone physical yet, and the goal is to break the fantasy with a harsh dose of reality and then reconcile. That is the ideal. 

In this instance the affair is over and has been for quite a while. There's no need for "a dose of harsh reality to end the emotional affair" because it's over (years you said, right?). They never broke up, so there's no need to reconcile your friend's marriage or the OP's marriage. 

The only possible decent reason I could see for "exposing" now would be to give the OP's spouse all the information for them to make an informed decision or protect their medical health. However, is there any reason to believe that years ago when the affair ended, the OP's spouse didn't find out? Is there some new, recent medical diagnoses that might be relevant? What reason is there to believe that the OP's spouse hasn't known all along, they worked it out, and they addressed any medical issues themselves within their marriage? 

If there is reasonable reason to suspect the OP's spouse does not know, then it may be compassionate to tell him/her. If there is some new medical diagnoses that may be relevant, then it may be compassionate to say something. But if there's no reason along those lines--the first thing I'd determine is "why now?" Why go into another couple's marriage after years apart and mess it up? What is the motivation? 

If the motivation or intent is something akin to "She hurt me so after years of stewing on it I want to hurt her" then I'd advise against exposure and for individual anger counseling. If the motivation or intent is something more noble or with a sound reason, then I'd see no reason to share the truth as factually as possible. However, I have to be honest--after all this time my gut feeling is that this is about revenge and not about taking the high road.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I met with my friend today for dinner. What set her off is that she learned that OW is having an affair with another married man, not someone she knows directly, but a man she knows of through someone else. She heard it through reputable sources. She is super p!ssed and ready to go nuclear. Not only because it triggers her, but she feels like she may have been the topic of gossip when her H was in the A and it's freaking her out. 

I talked her down a little and she has decided to write the OWH an anonymous letter. In it she plans to discuss inappropriate things his wife has done during softball that several know about. She is going to mention vague info on her H and info on how to figure out who the current AP is. I will help her write it this weekend and make sure she puts in hints such as looking at emails, phone records, etc. 

After talking to her today, I feel that the OWH deserves to know. Not exposing would be inhumane. I think my friend will be safe from drama in her own marriage as the OWH should be focused on ending the current A. She's going to tell her H about the letter a few days after it's sent.

How can people be so evil to their spouses??!!?? Ugh. Anyway, thanks to everyone for their advice!!!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> I think my friend will be safe from drama in her own marriage as the OWH should be focused on ending the current A. *She's going to tell her H about the letter a few days after it's sent.*
> 
> How can people be so evil to their spouses??!!?? Ugh. Anyway, thanks to everyone for their advice!!!!


Why wouldn't she tell him up front what she plans to do? Is there a purpose for waiting?

By planning to wait to tell her H until a few days after she sends it, it seems like she's being deliberately deceptive, or thinks she needs to sneak around like she's doing something wrong. That's how it looks to me.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

The theory is so he won't warn OW.

She does not feel he will and seems completely confident that he has maintained NC, but that's her decision. She thinks he'll be ok with it. I was not going to start picking at the scabs of her R. It's not my life.

And sending an anonymous note to a stranger telling him that his wife is a cheat in itself is a bit deceptive. But at the end of the day, she's my friend and she was hurt very badly by her H and this woman. Hopefully, what she's going to do will in some way help the OWH.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Funny, I was going to say to expose because two years later I bet the OW is in another affair. She had no consequences the first time so it's easier to justify doing it again. Plus if I was BS, I would want to know. Even two years later.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Funny, I was going to say to expose because two years later I bet the OW is in another affair. She had no consequences the first time so it's easier to justify doing it again. Plus if I was BS, I would want to know. Even two years later.


I exposed 9 months later. Partly out of my desire to make him own his actions to his unsuspecting wife and yes as part of my desire to heal and move on. His wife thanked me profusely. Of course he denied. Scumbag. She now knows what a POS she is married to. Best thing I ever did.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't guess TAM existed in 94 but I didn't expose anything. Fortunately the OM's wife discovered what was going on shortly after I did so I don't have that guilt to deal with now.

I'm pro exposure now and would have a lot of regret now had the OM's wife not found out on her own.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> The theory is so he won't warn OW.
> 
> She does not feel he will and seems completely confident that he has maintained NC, but that's her decision. She thinks he'll be ok with it. I was not going to start picking at the scabs of her R. It's not my life.
> 
> And sending an anonymous note to a stranger telling him that his wife is a cheat in itself is a bit deceptive. But at the end of the day, she's my friend and she was hurt very badly by her H and this woman. Hopefully, what she's going to do will in some way help the OWH.


I hope it helps your friend find a little more peace and closure, too.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Prosecuting vengeance is rarely, if ever, a good thing for the avenger. Someone who is vengeful is hanging on to (or wallowing in) hurt. If any act of revenge doesn't get the desired payoff they'll be more hurt, more trapped in reinforcing that hurt and desire for revenge. It's a whole bunch of negative thinking, negative acts and (often) negative results. A friend should be talking them out of that, not encouraging it.


DON'T KID YOURSELVES, or try and kid me, that telling the SOs of cheaters - people you've never met and/or have never done anything to you - has anything to do with their "right to know". He or she has other 'rights' too,, like a right to be wilfully ignorant and, certainly, a right to be free from others' misguided acts of vengeance.

The hope of the vengeful is that the newly informed SO will dump, or otherwise become an accomplice in the vengeance. It's all about their misguided desires,, not his or her rights.

And what if (after you've generously helped the SO with their 'rights') they're devastated and kill themselves? Or crash into another family while weeping? Are you going to shrug that off as them exercising a 'right' and bask in the glory of a plan of vengeance, well executed? Will it be OK if any hurting siblings come seeking revenge against you? After all, it was your unsolicited interfering in her life that caused the trajedy. Where does it end?

Extreme examples? Maybe. But how do you know these SOs you've never met don't have an emotional disorder? You know nothing about them, yet you're all concerned about their, rights? Oh, please. It's your imagined right to revenge you're prioritising.

Buying a hurt friend a book about how better to spot a cheater, or helping her get glammed up and taking her out to maybe meet a better guy are far more positive ways of helping her.

GROW UP!

Telling SOs about their wayward partners is immature, ill conceived and potentially disasterous for innocent parties. The HURT person has a 'right' to feel vengeful but a friend should try to steer them towards more positive emotions and activities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But then again a BS finding out because they get a burning pain when they go to have a pee, that's what? Colatoral damage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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