# How much is too much?



## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

I've posted here before from time to time, usually when I'm at my wit's end. Short story of us: married 12 years, 3 kids, I'm in grad school full time and dh works full time. We are in our 40s. The problem: we are sort of hd (him)/ld (me) but not exactly....

So, we have pretty much always averaged 3-4 times per week. Dh generally insists on 2-3 orgasms (for him) each time we have sex. I do my best to oblige because I know he likes it. But lately he is getting really vocal about how disappointed he is when we can't have sex every day or if he can't have multiple orgasms per encounter. He doesn't have a refractory period--he's hard again immediately after orgasm. So it's go-go-go....and it's so much frickin' work for me! Sometimes 2 bjs plus intercourse etc. Frankly I am sick of sex. This is no fun for me anymore. My jaw hurts. I'm having pain. 

I got angry at him and said my needs weren't being taken into account and that there's no room for me to even consider my own desires. Basically he understood that to mean that I'm having duty sex. And yes, I feel I'm having duty sex. So now he needs multiple orgasms AND he needs me to prove that I want to do this. It's making me angrier and angrier.

I keep hoping age will slow him down, but his sex drive keeps getting more and more intense. What is going on here? Is this normal at all? It feels almost like sex addiction, but is that possible in the context of a marriage? And it's not like we are having sex every day...it's just the constant badgering is driving me nuts!

I come to this forum and read about men who wish their wives would increase the frequency or give a bj once in a while....I wish I could be with someone who just wanted one orgasm per encounter 4 times per week...life would be so easy!

Also, we don't have time for 1.5 hours of sex 4+ times per week. This is not realistic!

What's going on here? Could this be some kind of medical issue? Psychological issue? Am I just a prude? He wasn't like this when were first married. Help!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

1.5 hours each time? Really?

Tell H to use his hand, because if he is not happy he can leave and there are about several million guys who would love to take his place.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You sound a lot like my wife wanting me to slow down, but in your case I agree with you. While I can't fully empathize with your husband's situation of no refractory period here are my suggestions:

#1 Be very accepting of his sexuality, but do not associate acceptance with feeling obliged to actually have sex or enjoy it. 

#2 If he wants you to enjoy sex, he has to understand your sexual response is different than his.

#3 Desire needs distance, and this can be explored through solo play.

#4 Encourage him to masturbate, and actually put some genuine TLC into some efforts to make this enjoyable for him. 

#5 Masturbate for him, so that he can watch your sexual response and how it works differently than his.

Generally speaking I think couples average 1-3 times a week. Anything that causes you "pain" is definitely too much.

Hope that helps! 

Badsanta

PS: Also work on "fun" ways to turn down sex, such as tease and denial or a nice backrub.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He sounds like a selfish, demanding, inconsiderate lover.

tell him God created men with the hand for a reason.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he happy to put as much effort into pleasing you as you put into pleasing him? Does he spend time to give you multiple orgasms, or whatever else you want each time?



I think the answer is that its too much if someone feels like its too much. But its also too little if someone feels that way too. The key is whether there is a frequency and set of activities that you both enjoy.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Is he happy to put as much effort into pleasing you as you put into pleasing him? Does he spend time to give you multiple orgasms, or whatever else you want each time?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This! 

If your putting in all this effort to please him sexually, he better be putting in a lot of effort in other areas that are important to you. If he isn't, that is a one sided relationship. 

Another thing I want to say is... He is not making you do anything. He is putting pressure on you and guilt but at the end of the day you make the decision to sleep with him. DONT sleep with him if you don't want to or if it becomes work. AND you shouldn't have to "act" like you want it when you don't. You shouldn't exhaust yourself to please your man so he doesn't cheat and so he is happy. That is not your responsibility. He needs to masterbate. He can't act like you are just a hole. You are a person, when he JUST wants a bunch of orgasms then he can rub them out.


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

He does use the hand....after sex, if it hasn't been enough for him. He goes into the bathroom and I go downstairs. I have encouraged him to incorporate it into sex (to give me a break!) but he doesn't. We never even get to cuddle after sex. If we cuddle he just wants more after a few minutes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I took a quick gander at some of your other threads. 

You feel steam rolled by your husband in many areas of your life not just sex. You feel like he guilts you into more sex, into schedule keeping that doesn't offer you the flexibility or me time that he gets, that he is so focused on getting his needs met he shows no awareness of your needs. It's this last one that will eventually ruin your marriage.

No one can say, really, if your husbands sexual needs or proof of love needs are reasonable. Perhaps there was a time you were okay with them but now you're not. You're not okay with them because you feel like he isn't meeting your needs. He counters this by guilting you into meeting his needs.

You two really need to get together and hear each other. You need to grow comfortable with saying "no this is important to me."

Short term: 

1. Try edging him during sex. Bring him close to the edge but don't let him orgasm. By doing this you make his orgasm feel much more intense and hopefully this will help him feel less need to go for round three. (I gotta say though...dayuuum girl some of us would love that kind of sexual energy)

2. Be aware that his masturbating after sex while watching videos he has made of you IS his way of not over taxing you. My H and I have made a few videos that he watches and masturbates to while he's on the road. With this in mind, it might be helpful if you recognize this this practice as his way of trying to meet your need for less and his need for more because that is always a tricky road to navigate.

3. I don't think you're a prude, but you are less sexual than your husband so this will be a source of conflict that flares up with regularity. It is said that men have sex to relieve stress and women don't want sex when stressed. It is also said that men want sex to feel loved and women want to feel loved to want sex. While neither of these are fully accurate, they are true enough that both you and your husband need to be aware of them. You cannot expect him to not want sex as much or as often. It sounds like he will always be super charged with sex. But you can expect him to be aware of and take into consideration what you need. Which brings me to...

4. You mentioned lack of cuddle time. Does your husband know this? He wants you to want sex and you want him to want to cuddle with you. He is very good at asking for what he wants, you...not so much. 

5. You're in full time grad school while in the thick of raising kids. This is enormously stressful for you. Are there ways to reduce this stress? Can you two get away for short weekends without the kids a few times a year? 

It sounds to me like your husband loves you and wants you AND is trying to find ways to meet his needs while being aware of yours. I'm not sure he is fully aware of your needs.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

WOW! In his 40's and has 3 orgasms per encounter, not getting soft?

First off, as a man, he is in the top, top, top percentile for this sort of thing. He wins the Gold Medal.

I don't think you are a prude at all. 1 encounter with 1 orgasm for him 3 - 4 times a week at your age is certainly ABOVE average.

This guy must have been a nightmare in his 20's.

Marriage IS compromise. He should be doing a little "compromising."

BTW I don't think you're "LD" at all. Jenna Jamison would be LD, compared to your husband.


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

My sexual self-esteem is so low right now...I exert so much physical and emotional energy on giving him a bj, then intercourse, then another bj. Then I'm tired and instead of "that felt awesome" the first thing out of his mouth is "you want to stop already?" in this disappointed voice. Wtf? Who does that??? But then I think, maybe I'm inadequate, no good at sex. So I buy books to get better at dirty talk, but then he shuts me down and says it's not sexy enough. I bought some toys but he thinks they're boring. So I'm constantly feeling inadequate and also sexually unfulfilled. And I start to feel like this is just one more chore, like doing the laundry. I don't want to feel that way. I guess I post here to get a reality check, to see that I'm not totally inadequate by more realistic standards. I think he's on a power trip in a lot of ways, but I'm not in a position to lay down boundaries because I need to get through school, need my life to be relatively stable for at least the next year.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you talked about going to a sex therapist?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Compared to the average, you are awesome :smthumbup:

He has extremely high expectations. Unless he is doing anything you want, whenever you want, and showing complete appreciation for what you are doing for him, then HE is the one with problems. 

Unless you are getting long massages, candle-lit dinners, and extensive expert oral sex from him (or whatever floats your boat) then things are very imbalanced.

Also, you have a kid and are in grad school - I completely understand the limits on your time. Does he do an equal share of taking care of the kids housework, chores etc? 

I'm all in favor of passionate marriages, but they need to be balanced. 

None of us can see what is going on in your life. From what you have said, I get the impression that he is being unreasonable and you are doing everything that could be expected and far more. 

Remember that for a lot of us the sad old joke that when you have sex, its time to pay the rent, and when you get a BJ its time to renew your drivers license is pretty accurate. 




PenguinCat said:


> My sexual self-esteem is so low right now...I exert so much physical and emotional energy on giving him a bj, then intercourse, then another bj. Then I'm tired and instead of "that felt awesome" the first thing out of his mouth is "you want to stop already?" in this disappointed voice. Wtf? Who does that??? But then I think, maybe I'm inadequate, no good at sex. So I buy books to get better at dirty talk, but then he shuts me down and says it's not sexy enough. I bought some toys but he thinks they're boring. So I'm constantly feeling inadequate and also sexually unfulfilled. And I start to feel like this is just one more chore, like doing the laundry. I don't want to feel that way. I guess I post here to get a reality check, to see that I'm not totally inadequate by more realistic standards. I think he's on a power trip in a lot of ways, but I'm not in a position to lay down boundaries because I need to get through school, need my life to be relatively stable for at least the next year.


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

He has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with therapy. No personal therapy, no couples therapy, no sex therapy.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Well, what are you going to make clear? 

Great of you to make such an effort to keep up all these years but it now seems too much for you, which is not unreasonable BTW.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PenguinCat said:


> He has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with therapy. No personal therapy, no couples therapy, no sex therapy.


This is likely a way to convey to you that he sincerely enjoys his drive to be with you, but realizes it is problematic and that he is concerned a therapist might side with you. 

Tell him that you too want to enjoy his drive, but that you struggle to enjoy anything more than (name an interval of time and be honest such as once every three days.) Tell him that in the meantime that you really need to feel that you satisfy him as opposed to being inadequate and genuinely ask for his help.

Perhaps you could get him a quality electrosex kit and use that to play with him while he cuddles with you. You get a cuddle and he gets a mind blowing sexual experience at the turn of a dial. Stuff like that.

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

PenguinCat said:


> My sexual self-esteem is so low right now...I exert so much physical and emotional energy on giving him a bj, then intercourse, then another bj. Then I'm tired and instead of "that felt awesome" the first thing out of his mouth is "you want to stop already?" in this disappointed voice. Wtf? Who does that??? But then I think, maybe I'm inadequate, no good at sex. So I buy books to get better at dirty talk, but then he shuts me down and says it's not sexy enough. I bought some toys but he thinks they're boring. So I'm constantly feeling inadequate and also sexually unfulfilled. And I start to feel like this is just one more chore, like doing the laundry. I don't want to feel that way. I guess I post here to get a reality check, to see that I'm not totally inadequate by more realistic standards. I think he's on a power trip in a lot of ways, but I'm not in a position to lay down boundaries because I need to get through school, need my life to be relatively stable for at least the next year.





PenguinCat said:


> He has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with therapy. No personal therapy, no couples therapy, no sex therapy.


You must love him very much. 

Have you sat down with him and really talked heart to heart? One of the things that the sex therapist that saved my HD/LD marriage did was ask us about what we thought our ideal marriage (including sexuality) would look like in 10 years, 20 years? She asked us both to visualize it and then talk about it.

There is something that your H is compensating for with he frantic need for sex. There is something he is not getting that he is trying to get from lots and lots of sex. Have you thought about what it might be?

The mind is the biggest sex organ and his mind is really hurting and demanding something. It is wonderful that you are such a giving and loving wife. He is a very luck man. But he mentally is screaming out for something and compensating with excessive sexual demands on you.

For me using Chapmans 5 LL I am touch and words of affirmation prime and secondary love languages. I need to be touched and praised. If my wife would be willing to run her fingers through the hair on my head or my chest or rub my shoulders, or hold my head often to her breast and stroke my head or back, I would feel incredibly loved and cherished. If she praised me while she did it I would be in heaven. I would want that probably more than I would want sex. 

You H might be the same way. There might be something he is not getting from you that he is trying to compensate for with excessive sex. He may be stressed, afraid or a host of other issues. He also could be a jerk, but I sense you still love him and want the marriage to continue so much not think he is just a jerk.

My advice would be to tell him that you just don't have the stamina for all the sex he needs, and you would like him to help you develop the stamina you both need. Engage with him in a vigorous exercise program and tell him the purpose is for the two of you to both get in shape so you can be the woman he wants and needs.

His getting a "runner's high" or burst of endorphins from exercising, might calm him down, reduce stress, and allow him to slow his sex push down a little. 

Another thing I would suggest is that you talk to him and ask him how you can satisfy him in other ways. Tell him that sometimes your jaw hurts. Ask if you can at those times use a FleshLight or a Tenga Sleeve on him sometimes? Ask if talking dirty to him at such times would help him get off? Ask if the two of you can explore other kinky things (which are less physically demanding on you), like seeing if he can develop a foot fetish where he cums on your feet? 

Alternately, tell him that you have enjoyed reading 50 shades and want to try tying him down and then making love to him slowly to see how long he can last. You can tie him down and tease him to the edge, then go to the bathroom and let him cool off, arouse him to the edge, then go to the kitchen to get a glass of wine to bring back and drink while you say nice things about his body and penis until he cools down, then mount him and keep it up until he begs your for release. Find out if he has a strong desire do some role playing or power exchange where you really F his mind as well as his body. That may be partly what he is looking for.

I'll bet his mind is what need a good ****ing.

The point is that there are options that you can try that might satisfy both of you.

Sex should be enjoyable for both. Good luck.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

I have been trolling around here for a few weeks, and signed up just because I had to reply to this thread.....
IMHO Energizer Bunny Husband needs to go to the Dr. right away. I won't venture to say what the possibilities are, but if he is not doing Viagra or something like it on the side, something could destabilizing his hormone system.

Something just ain't right. Hang in there OP, suggest it gently, especially if there are ANY other symptoms (Manic or depression, short temper, muscle mass increase, odd hair growth, just about anything really)


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

NothingsOriginal said:


> I have been trolling around here for a few weeks, and signed up just because I had to reply to this thread


Sorry, but there is no correlation between T levels and a short refractory period. There are a percentage (think single digit) of men that have little to no refractory period. It's rare, but it's not a health problem. It's just one of nature's natural variations...


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> Sorry, but there is no correlation between T levels and a short refractory period. There are a percentage (think single digit) of men that have little to no refractory period. It's rare, but it's not a health problem. It's just one of nature's natural variations...



I never mentioned T levels, there are other things to check for that I did not list so as to not cause undue alarm. I guess T levels may have been on the list but nowhere near the top. Psychiatric (my wife is insatiable when manic), various tumors, and certain drugs can individually or in combination cause the symptoms that the OP describes.

Oh, and I forgot to mention T levels 

My point was to go to the Dr. and eliminate any health-related causes, and if all is well enjoy the ride because it probably won't last.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is your husband secretly using Viagra? That's my guess.

You didn't say how many orgasms he gives you in one session, though you are required to give him 3 and he still masturbates after that. Are you having ANY orgasms?

Honestly, since he refuses to hear what you are telling him about how miserable you are, and only seems to have concern for himself, I would stop having sex with him. What is the point? He sounds like an ass, and you are miserable. Sex isn't supposed to make you feel miserable, stressed out, nor should you feel like you are his sex worker on demand.


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