# Sex pre and post marriage like white and black



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Hello

First time poster.

I have been married to my wife now for almost 2 years. Prior marriage we had a good sex life but needed improvements. For example, prior marroage she was uncomfortable showing herself nude in the light but was trying to get over that and made an effort to fight her self-consciousness, she only gave BJ's with a flavoured condom (and not that often), etc. I figured as time went on, especially after getting married, things would improve. On the contrary, it got worse. No more BJ's, no more dressing up in langerie, doesn't touch me down there at all, only will have sex before sleep, sex frequency has greatly reduced, she is satisfied to do it in the same position all the time (missionary), and we continue to use a condom! She says she doesn't want to risk getting a HPV but as far as I know, I don't have a HPV and have never shown any sign of one. She says she doesn't want to risk getting cancer. I didn't realize this would be a problem after marriage. What do other couples do?? This was one thing I was greatly looking forward to. It's one thing left to share and we don't. We are also not interested in having kids at the present time, I am sure there are other ways to reduce those chances. My wife is indeed on the pill too.

I love going down on her and I read here that I should just stop it if she doesn't return the same. But when she asks why I don't do that anymore, I don't want to respond by saying "well, you don't go down on me, so I'm not on you." Thats like blackmail or something or a bad guilt trip.

I have tried to bring this up before but she will say "tell me what you want me to do, etc" but I don't want to HAVE to tell her what to do, she should feel what she wants to do. Then she will think and say she is a lousy wife and get upset. On rare occasions, she gets super horny and will get on top or something, and really get into it, but those times are RARE.

I really don't know how to get our sex life back on track, and get the condom out of our life. Any advice?

Thanks


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You don't want to have to tell her, huh? That sounds a lot like women who want their husbands to read their minds.

Your first mistake was to think that marriage would magically cure anything that wasn't right prior to marriage. Your second is not taking your wife up on her offer to be told what it is that you want.

I also wonder how happy she is in the marriage in general and what you do that would make her want you more (or not).


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I didn't think marriage would magically cure anything. I just thought the right track we were on would continue. As for me telling her what to do, I don't want her to do something for the sake of pleasing me only. She has to want to be a part of the experience and enjoy it, not just do it to satisfy me. Plus she seemed to know what to do prior marriage, which is the point of my post.

We do get along really well, otherwise the marriage is great. She is loving and very supportive, and likewise with me.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I agree with you Hurra on the telling part. I had a guy ask me to tell him what I liked. It kinda made me feel real self conscious. Anyway, if you were together before you got married, she should already know what you like and you shouldn't have to tell her. I think you both need to sit down and talk about things and how to help solve the problem. It's not going to be easy but it's something that needs to be done.

Good Luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is a vaccine for the HPV. Don't know what age range it is targeted at. Initially it was young girls. 




Hurra said:


> Hello
> 
> First time poster.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

"As for me telling her what to do, I don't want her to do something for the sake of pleasing me only. "

Why not? Letting her give you a gift shouldn't be a problem. And maybe she'll remember why she enjoyed it before, too.

I think maybe you should join the more realistic among us to find that sometimes you have to give sex when you don't want it and sometimes you'll receive sex from a partner who is less than enthused. It is important to continue to have sex and not to put additional restrictions on it because once gone, it is hell to get sexual connection back. It is easier to kill the relationship and start with someone else, in fact, even if that involves divorce.


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## OFM_Tom (Sep 18, 2009)

If you're not willing to tell her what you want, you have no grounds for being upset for not getting it. If you continue not telling her what you want/need, she's going to think everything is fine. Eventually you'll get upset at something marginal (dirty dishes) and it'll all come pouring out. Do you think she'd react better to an angry tirade out of nowhere or a calm conversation about a potential problem in your marriage?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The risk of saying "I am unconditionally going to love you until death do us part" is this: Many people (men and women) stop making a real effort to please their partners after marriage. 

If you can truly say that you treat her as well in every sense as you did while dating, then I would suggest a book to read called the 5 love langauges. After both of you read that book you should sit down with her and ask her to explain which are her most important and how she feels you act on those now vs pre-marriage. And then you can constructively explain that sex is a high - maybe the highest form of sexual expression for YOU to receive and you feel that "post" marriage she has stopped making as much effort in terms of both frequency and actual sex itself. 

You need to be calm and constructive, and be ready for her to initially try to blow off your comments. If you are firm, you can make things better, if not, if you "flinch" you will get hammered and she will try to paint you as the bad guy. 

I think the key is for both of you to figure out how to gently, patiently get her in the mood when she starts out - not aroused. If you don't solve this now - before kids - it will only get worse/much worse after kids. 

I also bet there are a bunch of things that turn her on/and turn her off, both in and out of bed that she has never shared with you. 








OFM_Tom said:


> If you're not willing to tell her what you want, you have no grounds for being upset for not getting it. If you continue not telling her what you want/need, she's going to think everything is fine. Eventually you'll get upset at something marginal (dirty dishes) and it'll all come pouring out. Do you think she'd react better to an angry tirade out of nowhere or a calm conversation about a potential problem in your marriage?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OMG, yes, don't have kids. 

And if you get this solved and then you do have kids, be sure the both of you adhere to and actually believe the principal that the marriage comes first -- the order is Spouse before Children. Too many moms fall in love with their kids, put their kids first, allienate the husband, and when the husband tries to help (because thick as he is, he noticed that trying to take care of the child would make her happy), she complains because he doesn't do it right or the kid fusses because he's used to mom and she rushes in and blames the guy for something -- upsetting the baby, not being around enough to know how to do this stuff, doing it wrong, too rough, too fast, too slow, etc. etc. etc. 

Anyway, don't stop accepting sex even if you feel she's not into it. Work on the relationship while enjoying less than perfect sex. Do NOT get stubborn on this and demand perfection from her. You'll regret it when you're getting zero sex and the prospect of ever having sex again becomes bleak.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dobo is giving you great advice. And she has exactly the right mindset for this - spouse is first.







dobo said:


> OMG, yes, don't have kids.
> 
> And if you get this solved and then you do have kids, be sure the both of you adhere to and actually believe the principal that the marriage comes first -- the order is Spouse before Children. Too many moms fall in love with their kids, put their kids first, allienate the husband, and when the husband tries to help (because thick as he is, he noticed that trying to take care of the child would make her happy), she complains because he doesn't do it right or the kid fusses because he's used to mom and she rushes in and blames the guy for something -- upsetting the baby, not being around enough to know how to do this stuff, doing it wrong, too rough, too fast, too slow, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> Anyway, don't stop accepting sex even if you feel she's not into it. Work on the relationship while enjoying less than perfect sex. Do NOT get stubborn on this and demand perfection from her. You'll regret it when you're getting zero sex and the prospect of ever having sex again becomes bleak.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

See if you can slide in a gentle "Do you remember when you asked me to tell you what I wanted? and then continue to say "well, I would really like to tell you if you still want me to tell you." If she objects to the blow jobs, since she seemed to not be that into them before marriage, then be prepared with an alternative (having sex without a condom, since she is on the pill... unless she is the kind who may forget the pill on occassion, in which case, KEEP using the condom and find something else).

Good luck!


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I will consider it all.

I won't consider cheating, my conscious won't let me.

I'll try and post any progress as it happens.


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