# A Note to ALL Who Find Themselves Living With Chronic Destructive Behaviors



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

To all of you who come here who are new or those of you who are here and have been here a long time who realize you are living with chronically destructive behaviors from your significant other I implore you to *PLEASE* address this sooner than later. Long term exposure to destructive behaviors has a HEAVY impact on many levels; mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, children, etc.... psychological... It is just not something to play around with. Get it handled and get it done quickly. Give a fair shot to those who are willing to embrace choosing better, but to the rest of the destructoids who don't give a [email protected] about you or yours, DO NOT cut them any slack. They haven't earned that, nor do they deserve ONE MORE DAY of destroying that that they "say" they love. My heart breaks for y'all and here are resources to tap. I have found in my own journey that education goes a LONG way in navigating these circumstances:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/232370-blossoms-road-recovery-reconciliation.html


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And please... anyone who has resources or an approach that has worked for you, throw it on the pile for people to see. This putting up with chronic destructive behavior is for the friggen birds.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I was just thinking today of how destructive my ex husband has been during marriage n even during the divorce. 

He tried to suck me back in with fake remorse n "strategies" n "solutions" that I felt bad for wanting a divorce. 

Which was not real. Upon divorce, all the "proposals" turned to evil plots to destroy me. 

Approach?

Just leave. 

I was told n learn the hard way, destructive behaviour doesn't go away. Not easily at least.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

One of the greatest websites to define these behaviors is Out of the FOG. It was a life saver in my own situation. Thankfully my H embraced choosing better and building a healthy life for us. 

I hear ya tripad. Most do have to leave and its because they are either with someone who doesn't possess the capacity to change OR they are unwilling to change. That is where I recommend people start in assessing their situation. "Does my SO have the capacity to change?" "Are they willing?" 

I like recent verbiage used by @farsidejunky of "putting them on notice" that the days of their destructive behavior has just been put on a clock and it's counting down. They have a VERY short timeframe in which to respond to the call of choosing better before choosing to leave such a destructive environment.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

No willingness to change. Rather, he sees that I am wrong. 

That I should have continue to "support" him n his family relentless shopping while my kids n I live like poor church mouses. 

He was seeking a fourth counsellor to agree with him, leaving me n counsellor no. 3 shaking our heads. 

He sees that he didn't hit me but I fighting him in retaliation was abusing him. He even did a secret video of me hitting back but it probably failed as I remembered I yelled, "why are you hitting me the other end n running to this end when I am fighting back" and " I didn't hit that hard, why are groaning like I just killed you, are you making a movie "

What irony! He was infact making a video.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Putting him on a clock doesn't changed a thing. 

In fact he n his family just explode in my face faster. It's like there's no more time left to shop, spent n wipe her bank clean. N he just got more violent to want me to conform. 

Well, I think he tried for a year n half when he kept his family out upon my demands but when his family came back in again, all hell broke loose. They run up huge 6 figures debts again. 

N he plan an exit to my detrimental. Thank god I fought legally n won back the house. 

Giving them a time to work with may not be a good idea.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Sure, there are some situations that it is just better to cut losses and get out. I'm a heavy advocate of keeping families together and being fair with not blindsiding people. Its why I advocate giving a fair shot, BUT it needs hardcore parameters, like very short timeframes and absolute safety for self and children.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I would give up all I have in my bank to have a good family but no, normal n happy is not possible. It's not about cutting losses. 20 years of destruction that escalates over years, n fast. 

Maybe now after the divorce, he can't " touch" me anymore financially physically emotionally n I seem to think he regretted as he had lost his one n only best "supporter" n he realised too late now 
But I will never go back to that life anymore now that the kids n I have already gotten used to a better life without destruction.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

N I suspect that he had EA or PA during marriage, never proven. 

Also probably tried hooking up women but "helped" him so now he realised I am so good to him.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Great thread Blosdom. What have you shared with Hedi(sp? She has the threesome thread). 

I think @VeryHurt should jump in here. Often part of healing is helping others. I see it as similar to the concept of "if you want to learn a subject, teach it". 

This is your second thread on the subject of abuse. While the other tended to be situational, this thread is more over arching and is needed. Perhaps this subject deserves it's own section on the forum page (like coping, or going though a separation or divorce).


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

@JohnA it is really a passion of mine to share it with people that they DO NOT have to tolerate such poor behavioral choices from the people they love. I know @VeryHurt has come a LONG way, as has @Navy3, @LosingHim, @AVR1962, and so many others, male and female alike. There are a BUNCH of us who carry battle wounds, but have gotten on the other side of it by making a stand.

I would love to see a sticky or central place to reference to help people cut find this stuff quickly and be able to start applying it asap.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The stickies at the top of each forum on loveshack are great. It is the one thing that they offer that TAM does not. 

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation. - LoveShack.org Community Forums


Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums

There are equally great posts and threads here, but they are allowed to fade into the past and forgotten such as: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/315681-cwi-strategy.html


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> @JohnA it is really a passion of mine to share it with people that they DO NOT have to tolerate such poor behavioral choices from the people they love. I know @VeryHurt has come a LONG way, as has @Navy3, @LosingHim, @AVR1962, and so many others, male and female alike. There are a BUNCH of us who carry battle wounds, but have gotten on the other side of it by making a stand.
> 
> I would love to see a sticky or central place to reference to help people cut find this stuff quickly and be able to start applying it asap.


Blossom, you are so right, we do not have to put up with poor behavior and now that I am at this point of leaving I look back and ask myself why it took me so long to wake up and get out. I have endured years of pure BS! Somehow I kept thinking if he could just hear me, if he would just work with me instead of against me and see that his behavior was destructive that we could be happy together but that was not to be.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Blossom, you are so right, we do not have to put up with poor behavior and now that I am at this point of leaving I look back and ask myself why it took me so long to wake up and get out. I have endured years of pure BS! Somehow I kept thinking if he could just hear me, if he would just work with me instead of against me and see that his behavior was destructive that we could be happy together but that was not to be.


I had the same regrets. We are so conditioned to feel se don't deserve their scraps that we think our only option is to beg for their scraps. It is THE most freeing feelung once the realization that not ONLY are we worthy of their scraps but FAR more, everything changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I had the same regrets. We are so conditioned to feel se don't deserve their scraps that we think our only option is to beg for their scraps. It is THE most freeing feelung once the realization that not ONLY are we worthy of their scraps but FAR more, everything changes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"scraps" is the very term I have used.....in order for me to get any kind of connection from my husband I went to him for sex. He was not the type to hug or hold hands, not even while dating. In his own little world of fantasy caught up with thoughts of other women. I do not even know what I have meant to him all these years. In our 19th years of marriage he finally admitted to 3 emotional affairs, said they meant nothing to him (but by golly he sure was seeking these ladies so now that he is admitted he has to cover his tracks). After that I took a big step back. The one affair he had lied about for over 18 years. I saw it, I was not blind and I saw what I had seen, we talked about it then when it was happening....like I said, why did I stay?

At that point things changed between us. I was so discussed with his lies, his interests in other women, porn, his drinking, his laziness and not caring for himself. I was tired of living my life alone. My grand parents had just passed and I was having troubles dealing with all of these things in my life. I found a fabulous counselor that opened my eyes to why I chose this man and how I have been treated this way all my life. My husband is just like my mom.

I have spent the past 5 years untwisting BS and trying to get myself to a healthier place. Today I was thinking of all the garbage that I dealt with and all the heads I butted with along the way and how when you find a narcissist or passive-aggressive person out and confront them you can expect more blame and pointed fingers trying to put you into your place but I have done it. I stood up for myself, I stood up for my children and I will not take the garbage from these bullies anymore. I am worth it, I deserve better!

My husband's family will surround him and support him. It won't matter what he did, they are his flesh and blood so he has done no wrong but oh by golly do I ever know better!!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You GO Girl!!! You sound healthier than ever!!!


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I wish I had found this site years ago when I was going through what I call the “dark times” involving the destructive behavior of a loved one. Several years of dreading coming home from work, dreading answering the phone, dreading waking up. I had resolved that my life would just be one of continued suffering and martyrdom. I had gone to IC and really never could explain what was happening to me. After coming here, I found the word to describe it – gaslighting. With an intervention of sorts, the destructive behavior is more than 95% gone. However, my reaction to it sent me into a two year roller coast from which I just got off. I don’t blame my loved one for what happened next. I made my choices and have no excuses. I am off the roller coast but now just starting the road to recovery. I am glad I found this site and all the wonderful people that have helped.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its definitely one of the redeeming qualities of the internet, receiving help that might otherwise be hard to find locally.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not here to point fingers at any one or talk about how destructive my old ladies behaviors were...I *had* enough chronic destructive behaviors of my own....I didn't need anyone else to share theirs! LOL


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

the guy said:


> I'm not here to point fingers at any one or talk about how destructive my old ladies behaviors were...I *had* enough chronic destructive behaviors of my own....I didn't need anyone else to share theirs! LOL


Lol, and we all have them in varying degrees. I too had to work on mine while standing up to his. I am so glad yall did the same. Very impressed.


----------

