# Thinking about reconciliation



## Lucsum

Hi I've been with my separated husband for 18 years (since 15) we got married 9 years ago we had a son 3 years ago things started to not go well was thinking about separating for awhile, I fell pregnant with our daughter and we separated (whilst I was pregnant)we have been separated for 2 years we did try and get back together but over something silly we stopped going to counselling, he took break up bad and didn't really see the children therefore I have been raising them on my own, I thought I was over him and I told him to move and I didn't love him (he has told me for the past two years he wanted to get back together) he has no started to see someone and it has made me realise I'm still in love with him I have been devastated and can't stop thinking we should be together we have two young children been together for a long time, I know that he would more than likely get back together I'm worried I feel like this because he is with someone but I know in my heart I really want to be with him, I don't want to muck anyone around and get people hurt, maybe we've had our time together and I'm being selfish when he has moved on and maybe she can make him happy. I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love him.


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## Mr.Fisty

Depending what your issues were before you separated. If those issues have not been resolved, or each of you seek help, then chances are if you reconciled, history will repeat itself. Reflect and consider, if you do get back together, what about the unresolved issues. Are they divorce worthy in your eyes? Has he changed, or have you changed?

You may be more attracted to him because another woman is attracted to him. Attraction is part of love. Also you probably still view him as your mate. Have you heard of mate poaching? If he spends time and energy with this new female, then chances are he will take away time, energy, and valuable resources away from you and the children. So you gain interest in him again, because the new female is a threat to you and your offspring. Once the other woman is gone, you will probably lose attraction for him again if the issues are not fixed. Because if he has not changed much, and you have not changed much, the result of that will be the same marriage. You know yourself well enough to figure if things can work out. In either case, the ball is in your husband's court, and since he is in a new relationship, depending on how bonded they are, it might not matter how you feel. Also your husband dating while not seeking a divorce is an issue. Just like she is a threat to you, you are a threat to her. Your husband should have formerly ended the marriage before he got into this situation.


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## Lucsum

You could be right I'm hoping that does not happen I really want to make it work I want my kids to have both parents (even though it's been 2 years nearly), he was meant to come and see the kids this afternoon he hasn't turned up I can only assume he is with the new person and I was going to tell him that I wanted to get back together but he hasn't answered my calls or texts I feel shattered I am so upset and like you said the ball is in his court which is hard especially wanting to tell him how I feel and getting treated like this.


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## As'laDain

You said he took break up bad and has wanted it for two years. But you mention your separation as "we" separated. Did you leave him or was it a mutual decision?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucsum

Yes he took break up but I left him, so in jan it has been 2 years he has always said if I wanted to get a k together with him he would but maybe it's different now.


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## As'laDain

Why did you leave him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucsum

I left him because I felt that he had changed since we had our son he was happy for me to do it all and he do his own thing, he was drinking every night (always liked a drink but not every day) just a build up of every day stupid petty stuff I guess. I knew he loved me but I felt like he was taking me for granted. So I wanted him to stand up and realise how important we were to him so instead he took it really bad and blamed me for everything about the break up.


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## As'laDain

Lucsum said:


> I left him because I felt that he had changed since we had our son he was happy for me to do it all and he do his own thing, he was drinking every night (always liked a drink but not every day) just a build up of every day stupid petty stuff I guess. I knew he loved me but I felt like he was taking me for granted. *So I wanted him to stand up and realise how important we were to him so instead he took it really bad and blamed me for everything about the break up.*


im not buying it. as you said, he asked for a second chance for two years. if you wanted him to wake up and realize how important you were to him, you have a funny way of driving that point home. 

so why do you want to go back to the things you divorced him over?


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## Lucsum

We are not divorced I realised I don't want to get divorced this guy has been my world since 15 i just love him. I don't want my kids growing up without there parents together, I wish I realised this all sooner but I didn't


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## As'laDain

So... you have been living separate lives for two years while married? Why would you do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucsum

Always thought we would get back together I guess I was going to file for divorce recently but I couldn't do it didn't. Want to do it. Divorce seems so final I guess.


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## Lucsum

Stubbornness on both our parts also kind of the case he said she said


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## As'laDain

If you do get back together, what happens when you don't love him anymore? You won't feel this way forever...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucsum

I am 100% certain I will if I still love him this much after being apart for so long and being together for so many years. One of my main priorities is my children and I think they deserve their parents together, I guessif there is a slight chance I won't love him anymore then I will cross that bridge when I get to it.


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## always_hopefull

Lucsum said:


> I am 100% certain I will if I still love him this much after being apart for so long and being together for so many years. One of my main priorities is my children and I think they deserve their parents together, I guessif there is a slight chance I won't love him anymore then I will cross that bridge when I get to it.


If you really do live your H, then let him go and get yourself some IC to deal with your grief. He's been gone for two years, since you kicked him out. He's tried to win you back for most of those two years and now that he finally gave up, you want him back. 

You mentioned that you will deal with the fact that you may not love him later on. How fair is that to him? You said he was hurt the first time, but a second would be devastating. What about your children? Your H has not lived with his daughter her entire life and most of your sons life. Do you realize how confusing this would be to them? Especially if it doesn't work out? 

I'm sorry for your hurt, but I honestly don't think it's your "love" for him that makes you want him back. If it were, it wouldn't take another woman to make you realize it. I think what your feeling may be jealousy, or just the sting from him finally giving up on you. 

Please get some counselling to help yourself better understand what your feeling and why. Especially before you turn his world upside down again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain

always_hopefull said:


> If you really do live your H, then let him go and get yourself some IC to deal with your grief. He's been gone for two years, since you kicked him out. He's tried to win you back for most of those two years and now that he finally gave up, you want him back.
> 
> You mentioned that you will deal with the fact that you may not love him later on. How fair is that to him? You said he was hurt the first time, but a second would be devastating. What about your children? Your H has not lived with his daughter her entire life and most of your sons life. Do you realize how confusing this would be to them? Especially if it doesn't work out?
> 
> I'm sorry for your hurt, but I honestly don't think it's your "love" for him that makes you want him back. If it were, it wouldn't take another woman to make you realize it. I think what your feeling may be jealousy, or just the sting from him finally giving up on you.
> 
> Please get some counselling to help yourself better understand what your feeling and why. Especially before you turn his world upside down again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats pretty much how i am seeing this. 

OP, if you can kick him out because you dont feel like your in love with him, then you arent making a choice to love him regardless of how you feel. 

so, there is no reason to believe you wont just decide its over again later on down the road. people change whether they want to or not, and their feelings change whether they want them to or not. if you want to be married to one person for the rest of your life, you have to accept that and learn to love your spouse *anyway*.


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## tryingpatience

As'laDain said:


> im not buying it. as you said, he asked for a second chance for two years. if you wanted him to wake up and realize how important you were to him, you have a funny way of driving that point home.
> 
> so why do you want to go back to the things you divorced him over?


I'm not sure. We'll need more details. She may have just been showing him tough love. What caught my attention was the drinking. Did you give him an ultimatum? What were the conditions of the break up? Was there an understanding that he had to get his sh*t together before any reconciliation?

You'll have to be honest with yourself now. Especially if it was your intent all along to move on.


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## DadOfFour

Lucsum said:


> Hi I've been with my separated husband for 18 years (since 15) we got married 9 years ago we had a son 3 years ago things started to not go well was thinking about separating for awhile, I fell pregnant with our daughter and we separated (whilst I was pregnant)we have been separated for 2 years we did try and get back together but over something silly we stopped going to counselling, *he took break up bad* and didn't really see the children therefore I have been raising them on my own, _*I thought I was over him and I told him to move and I didn't love him (he has told me for the past two years he wanted to get back together*_) he has no started to see someone and it has made me realise I'm still in love with him I have been devastated and can't stop thinking we should be together we have two young children been together for a long time, I know that he would more than likely get back together I'm worried I feel like this because he is with someone but I know in my heart I really want to be with him, *I don't want to muck anyone around and get people hurt*, maybe we've had our time together and I'm being selfish when he has moved on and maybe she can make him happy. *I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love him.*


These words stuck out the most to me. So you don't want to hurt him or much anyone around but you were happy to hurt him for the last 2 years and tell him that you don't love him and now it looks like he's finally moved on you now want him to come back, "because you want your family together"? Well what about what he wants and how he feels, does or did that not matter or did you feel he needed to be punished? So far it looks like everything has been about you and what you want. I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying it to make you realize what you did wrong.

It's hard for some guys, even myself, it's like you and your wife are this great inseparable team, that do everything for each other and together for years and then the baby comes on the seen and it's like you don't matter anymore, you only care about the baby and the man is the third wheel. IMO that's why 2/3rds or relationships get worse after a baby comes on the seen. Us men know that the baby is number one for a while, but some women need to acknowledge that you are still loved and mean something to you. That's probably why his drinking got worse, it was something to numb the pain for him loving you but not feeling any love in return.

Also, if you really wanted him why did you let it go on for 2 years? My guess he has been in alot of pain for those 2 years and now this is a chance to break free from that (after all he has waited for you for 2 years) and now you want to tell him what you should have 12-18 months ago? My guess is he is still in love with you and would go back to you and his family in the blink of an eye, if you told him how you feel (yes even with this other woman), but please if you do YOU (as well as him) really need to make it work. I hope you didn't wait 2 years because you thought you might test the water to see if the grass is greener, knowing that he would be there if the grass wasn't.

Like my Counselor has said (and she's absolutely right) the biggest thing that keeps couples and families apart after a break up is "PRIDE"!!!


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## Fam06

Lucsum said:


> Hi I've been with my separated husband for 18 years (since 15) we got married 9 years ago we had a son 3 years ago things started to not go well was thinking about separating for awhile, I fell pregnant with our daughter and we separated (whilst I was pregnant)we have been separated for 2 years we did try and get back together but over something silly we stopped going to counselling, he took break up bad and didn't really see the children therefore I have been raising them on my own, I thought I was over him and I told him to move and I didn't love him (he has told me for the past two years he wanted to get back together) he has no started to see someone and it has made me realise I'm still in love with him I have been devastated and can't stop thinking we should be together we have two young children been together for a long time, I know that he would more than likely get back together I'm worried I feel like this because he is with someone but I know in my heart I really want to be with him, I don't want to muck anyone around and get people hurt, maybe we've had our time together and I'm being selfish when he has moved on and maybe she can make him happy. I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love him.


I know this is an old post but what the heck. 
How did you realized that you love him after you weren't giving him the time and day when he practically begged for your love back?


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## rhonda1971

when you say that he was trying for 2 years, what exactly did he do to show you that he was trying so hard?


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