# Rewriting History



## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

I had an interesting exchange with my ex-husband recently. Its been obvious to me as of late that he really, really wants my friendship, even though we went through a nasty divorce as a result of his infidelity. I'm sure that getting the validation of friendship from the ex-wife would make him feel better about himself. I told him that if he wanted to be friends, he had a lot of apologizing to do, because I'm not friends with people who treat me the way he did.

He immediately launched into all the reasons why what he did was justified, and much of it was crap that he's evidently convinced himself really happened (when it hadn't.) Is that a common thing amongst our POS ex-spouses, to convince themselves that things happened (that really didn't) in order to feel okay about what they did?

I'm just curious if any of you have experienced this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's part of the script. A really tiresome part of the script. People don't want to think they are bad human beings, so they justify & they often believe the lies they tell themselves. I think this is true in many human venues, not just with infidelity or other marital issues. It allows you to follow some of your worst impulses without hating yourself.

But, seriously, if he wants so badly to be your friend, he should figure out that he needs to own his sh!t.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Media_girl24 said:


> Is that a common thing amongst our POS ex-spouses, to convince themselves that things happened (that really didn't) in order to feel okay about what they did?


Yes, it's textbook response.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What you perceive as an obvious attempt at building a friendship is probably an attempt to get you out of your knickers or get you to alter the terms of the divorce to his advantage. Does your Ex have a history of close, non-sexual friendships with women?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

MY ex is the QUEEN of re-writing history.

It's not at all rare for me to go from "being a good father" one week and becoming the "worlds worst deadbeat father" the next.

Cheaters re-write so they can justify that they are POS human beings who couldnt be bothered to do things the right way.
See, if they actually take the history as it was, then that would mean that they are "not a special person" but a low morals cheater.

Rearrange a few nerve cells and suddenly "you MADE them cheat!!!!...waaaaaaahhhhhahaahaahhhhhhhhhhhh...."
"I screwed her because you were emotionally distant!!!!"
"You never loved me like I wanted to be loved!!! Waaaahhhh!!!"

...and the hit parade goes on and on.

Cheaters do some screwed up stuff...re-writing history is actually one of the more logical survival mechanisms they employ.

Care to post an example or fifteen? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/261169-does-your-ex-re-write-history.html


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yep x wife did same thing. Made up all sorts of stuff I did and painted me as a villain to take the light off her again adultery. Luckily no one believes her anymore as this is her second divorce but same script. 

Fairly convinced all cheaters do this. Which is why I'm skeptical of when a WS is on here trying to justify how bad thier marriage was. Was it or is that what they convinced themselves of?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Its a way of alleviating themselves of their own guilt. A justification of their actions of sorts. I havent gotten anything like that yet, I have shut down any attempts of her attempts to maintain a friendship. Im not there yet. Maybe in 20 years or so.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i hope you said call me back when you get clarity and hung up on him.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

😧😧😧

What? Cheaters rewrite history?

MG24, keep him at arms length. If he were sincere about wanting to be "friends" he wouldn't have replied to you with all the crap rationalizations. 

If he truly wanted to be friends he would have just apologized.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

X husband told everyone that I had rage issues. Which is funny, because I lost my temper exactly twice in our marriage, and my answer to both was to get in the car and go for a drive to calm me down. Didn't throw things, didn't hit anything, and didn't call him nasty names (much.) 

I'm not saying I didn't yell in our marriage. But it wasn't nasty vicious yelling. I'm just kind of a loud person...and so was he. 

He's the one with the rage. But it was all internal.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Media_girl24 said:


> Is that a common thing amongst our POS ex-spouses, to convince themselves that things happened (that really didn't) in order to feel okay about what they did?
> 
> I'm just curious if any of you have experienced this.



Common? I think at times its mandatory. In my case, I fully believe my wife convinced herself of things that couldn't POSSIBLY be true, in order to live with herself and her behavior.

With just a little effort they could probably convince themselves that Hitler and Hirohito were having tea and jelly beans one day, when Neville Chamberlain and Roosevelt burst in and spit on them, thus starting WWII.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell your ex that he should look into starting up a career as a writer for the SciFi Channel. He has a great imagination.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Media_girl24 said:


> I had an interesting exchange with my ex-husband recently. Its been obvious to me as of late that he really, really wants my friendship, even though we went through a nasty divorce as a result of his infidelity. I'm sure that getting the validation of friendship from the ex-wife would make him feel better about himself. I told him that if he wanted to be friends, he had a lot of apologizing to do, because I'm not friends with people who treat me the way he did.
> 
> *He immediately launched into all the reasons why what he did was justified, and much of it was crap that he's evidently convinced himself really happened (when it hadn't.) * Is that a common thing amongst our POS ex-spouses, to convince themselves that things happened (that really didn't) in order to feel okay about what they did?
> 
> I'm just curious if any of you have experienced this.




The part in bold answers your question. He's looking for you to reinforce his internal justifications. Then he can say to himself, and anyone else who listens, that he was really right all along and that you were the problem.

He is doing this to be nice to you. He's doing it o fell better about himself.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Text Book.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> MY ex is the QUEEN of re-writing history.
> 
> It's not at all rare for me to go from "being a good father" one week and becoming the "worlds worst deadbeat father" the next.
> 
> ...


If your X is the Queen, mine's the Empress.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

The pen is mightier than the sword. 
The erasable pen is even mightier. Mighty evil.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

The latest tale my cheating STBX is spinning is that I asked for a divorce two years ago (I didn't) and he was just waiting for our son to be old enough to handle it. He hasn't even told his closest friends about the woman he's leaving me for, who he's been seeing since last September, but has told me they plan to move in together as soon as the divorce is final. I'm sure they'll believe I was the one who initiated the divorce when I'm not dating anyone and she materializes out of nowhere.

I could go on all day, but here's my other favorite: When I asked him why he didn't tell me he was unhappy with the marriage when I first found out about her and that was one of his excuses, he yelled, "I told you HUNDREDS of times!" He never told me once. Zero to HUNDREDS is a pretty big discrepancy. And how does one tell someone something hundreds of times, really? Is that once a day every day for a year or two? Bi-weekly for five?

The biggest lie he's told me and himself is that we'll always be friends. Here on planet Earth, that ended in September.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Funk that noise. Why haven't you exposed the affair? 

I did that same "When did you say anything?" game once with XW once and realized how futile it was and how I was being stupid even trying. She acted as if we had talked about it a hundred times. We had not. You try to peg them down on specifics - anything would do - and they can't think of anything so they act as if it was so much they can't think of an example. "I told you during fights!!". We hardly ever fought, and it was over laundry or something. Their minds have completely warped and you become a negative force no matter what you say. Might as well just agree with them and tell them they would be happier off without you and you won't stand in their way. The true psychos would say "I'm so glad you understand", the manipulators would give you a quizzical look. "Well, maybe it wasn't a hundred, but.. really, you want me to leave now?".


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> It's part of the script.


How true!

Mine has apologized (after 10 years) but still refuses to own up to much of what she did. She, too, wanted to be friends and I told her that it just wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen unless she fully owned up to what she did.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Oh, dear. I did at one point just start agreeing with him about everything (doing The 180) and once said "I would prefer that you end this affair and we stay together, but I know that's impossible and I understand. So when you're ready to leave, I won't stand in your way." He goes, "Thank you for understanding."


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Oh, dear. I did at one point just start agreeing with him about everything (doing The 180) and once said "I would prefer that you end this affair and we stay together, but I know that's impossible and I understand. So when you're ready to leave, I won't stand in your way." He goes, "Thank you for understanding."


That's bizarre.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> That's bizarre.


Indeed.


I don't think that's part of the 180, nomorebeans. The cheater hears "I still want you. You don't want me, but take your time leaving me. I don't want you to be inconvenienced."

Again, funk that noise.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Oh, dear. I did at one point just start agreeing with him about everything (doing The 180) and once said "I would prefer that you end this affair and we stay together, but I know that's impossible and I understand. So when you're ready to leave, I won't stand in your way." He goes, "Thank you for understanding."


They get so stuck on themselves they don't even listen to what you say. They just think they can do anything because "paradise" awaits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

staystrong said:


> I don't think that's part of the 180, nomorebeans. The cheater hears "I still want you. You don't want me, but take your time leaving me. I don't want you to be inconvenienced."
> 
> Again, funk that noise.


Well, yes, I should have thrown his @$$ and all his stuff out to the curb the night I found out, and let the world know all about it right then. But I was trying to do this jujitsu thing of making him regret all his stupid sh!t later because I agreed with him about everything and was pleasant the whole time he unfortunately remained in the house. (And he remained in the house because like a complete idiot, I agreed we should wait to tell our son about it all until the end of his school year - which was really just an excuse to enable him to keep his comfortable home until then, while continuing to do just about anything he wanted to, otherwise.)

I know now that he's been functionally lobotomized by his ongoing affair, and that he stopped giving a crap about how I feel or what I think about anything when he checked out of the marriage last year - probably long before then.

So, yeah. Funk that noise.

He's moving out this weekend. Thank the gods.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

There were times after d-day my WW began to follow the script of WS, but she would catch herself and change courses. I always wondered why she would start the script and then alter her course. My WW has been very honest of her affair, to the point it's painful for each of us. About a year past d-day I heard her talking to her cousin, the only person who knows of her affair, and it finally hit me. Self preservation, and horrified. She would begin the script horrified at her actions, but altered her course for self preservation to continue the chance with reconciliation. She knows what she has destroyed, and who she has devastated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Well, yes, I should have thrown his @$$ and all his stuff out to the curb the night I found out, and let the world know all about it right then. But I was trying to do this jujitsu thing of making him regret all his stupid sh!t later because I agreed with him about everything and was pleasant the whole time he unfortunately remained in the house. (And he remained in the house because like a complete idiot, I agreed we should wait to tell our son about it all until the end of his school year - which was really just an excuse to enable him to keep his comfortable home until then, while continuing to do just about anything he wanted to, otherwise.)
> 
> I know now that he's been functionally lobotomized by his ongoing affair, and that he stopped giving a crap about how I feel or what I think about anything when he checked out of the marriage last year - probably long before then.
> 
> ...



Your husband needs to protect his persona, his ego. He wants to play the victim and villify you to everyone.

He needs a scape goat to place all of his crap, while he tries to make himself virgin white.

He may even believe it himself, we are quite capable of even lying to ourselves.

I wouldn't be surprise if he trash talked you to the OW, it would help her save a victim from a cold-hearted person from her view point. He wants to manipulate the situation and everyone around him.

He needs you to be the villian, he needs someone he has to defend himself against. He pretty much suckered punched you, you punch him back, and he goes off crying that you attacked him first.

Also, what he hears from you is just noise until you say something he wants to hear. Or he will totally misinterpret what you say. So he will filter out what you say to match his reality.

Again, explainable to keep himself virgin white.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Funk that noise. Why haven't you exposed the affair?
> 
> I did that same "When did you say anything?" game once with XW once and realized how futile it was and how I was being stupid even trying. She acted as if we had talked about it a hundred times. We had not. You try to peg them down on specifics - anything would do - and they can't think of anything so they act as if it was so much they can't think of an example. "I told you during fights!!". We hardly ever fought, and it was over laundry or something. Their minds have completely warped and you become a negative force no matter what you say. Might as well just agree with them and tell them they would be happier off without you and you won't stand in their way. The true psychos would say "I'm so glad you understand", the manipulators would give you a quizzical look. "Well, maybe it wasn't a hundred, but.. really, you want me to leave now?".


Wow. Yep, my stbxw also came up with the "various things" response when pressed for details.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Very common with Passive Aggressive Cheaters. They will stew their emotions and reasons... internalizing them until they are absolutes, regardless of validity. 

"How do you know it's true?". "Because, I told myself." 

Recently, my FWW was barking orders for me to do this and take care of that for days on end. Finally, I get fed up and put a stop to it. She responded, "You ask me to do favors all the time for you." I look at her... "Name one thing I have asked you for in the past year?". 30 uncomfortable seconds roll by... Nothing. Nada. Get the point, she really believed herself. The difference is when cheating there's no fact check to the re-write. Even worse, it's reinforced from the AP.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your husband needs to protect his persona, his ego. He wants to play the victim and villify you to everyone.
> 
> He needs a scape goat to place all of his crap, while he tries to make himself virgin white.
> 
> ...


Mr. Fisty hit it, at least with my ex. He is a serial cheater who lied, abused and manipulated till the very end. To hear him tell the story he had no choice, because ..... me. There is no logic to it at all and when you challenge even his timeline he can't cope. So his serial cheating was my fault, the kids fault, and my favorite-the dog. Yes, he had to have the last affair because the dog didn't like him better than anyone else in the family so he had no support. At least that was his story three years ago. All this gobblie-goop just to try to save his precious ego.

We don't talk now.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Media_girl24 said:


> Is that a common thing amongst our POS ex-spouses, to convince themselves that things happened (that really didn't) in order to feel okay about what they did?
> 
> I'm just curious if any of you have experienced this.


Absolutely. 

My ex wife rewrote our marital history so she could give herself permission to betray me. 

Previously, she was well grounded, held herself to high values and was well respected in our small community, but she lost her way and when her deeds came to fruition it really surprised us all. 

Some family and friends asked her why and her justifications sounded lame to them, but it didn't matter. She was already gone and I soon realized I wouldn't take her back anyway even if she did everything right. 

Though it's been over 20 years ago and I'm happily remarried I still mourn the loss of what was a wonderful person before she made those fateful choices. Such a waste.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Might as well just agree with them and tell them they would be happier off without you and you won't stand in their way..


 ^
THIS!!!!

If there is one truth the betrayed really need to "get", it's this. I cringe when I see newbies come on here and want to plead and "nice" the cheater back. 

It doesn't work. It can't work. And even if it did, no person in their right mind would or should want a cheater back. (intensely remorseful cheaters might be another story)

If a faithful spouse really loved or loves an unfaithful spouse it makes profound sense to just let them go. 

I did exactly that decades ago and with the clarity of hind sight can testify it was the right move on my part in every way. I let her rewrite our marital history and did not contest it except to those to whom it mattered. 

Sure it hurt, but not as much as the alternative. That is a fact you can trust.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

By the attitude my Ex wife exudes you would think I cheated on her.. 

I just don't get why someone you were so intimate with, possibly had kids with, raised kids with and overall had so many plans about life with could just turn out this way.. 

I'm becoming jaded towards the opposite sex..


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

RWB said:


> Very common with Passive Aggressive Cheaters. They will stew their emotions and reasons... internalizing them until they are absolutes, regardless of validity.
> .


Excellent insight. My ex was exactly this way, plus was the poster child for conflict avoidant. It made for a toxic combination that set up the perfect storm to shatter my life. 

Family members nick named her "stewer" because she stewed so much in intensity and duration. 

As a result I avoid any and all people who manifest this poisonous combination in their personality. Not only are they not fit for spouse material, they are not fit to be friends, co workers, or even enemies.


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