# Does your family know?



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Does your family(parents, siblings, etc.) know about your marriage being in trouble? 

I'm not necessarily saying they know any details, but a general knowledge that there are problems that exist. I've never verbally expressed to my family that my marriage has a number of issues, but I am wondering if maybe they should know instead of keeping up the charade we have now.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

They never knew. They didn't like him and hid it so well that I never knew that, either! It wasn't until I told them I was unhappy and that I needed to borrow money to consult an attorney and I trickled out some info because he was abusive and I didn't want Dad to do anything rash.

ETA - my SIL knew - ex's brother's wife. She was the one to make me admit it to myself.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yup. Everyone knows what a jackass he is.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Yes, my family knows. They are supportive of my decisions. They don't really like him, but they get along with him for my sake.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Nope. Only my best friend new that my now-ex-husband and I were having problems. My parents, his parents, our siblings and mutual friends all found out shortly after I filed for divorce. That's just my personality. I don't discuss personal stuff unless I really have to. 

His friends, and his numerous girlfriends of course, all knew well in advance.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

No, we never told any family members our marriage as at the divorce door. She didn't even confide in her twin sister. Our kids certainly knew there was a lot of tension in the home. I used a few close friends and TAM for support. She? Well POSOM of course.

Now that we are reconciled and doing fine, I'm glad we didn't. I don't need any rolling eyes, side looks or smirks at Thanksgiving dinner, thank-you-very-much.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

No. Partly because I don't want to deal with their well-meaning concern and advice, and partly because there are parts or my life and relationship I don't want to share with them. Any advice they could give me I can probably figure out for myself, it's just a matter of following it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nope

I called them the day I learned of her affair. Prior to that she had asked for a divorce but I thought she was having a midlife crisis and we could work through it so I kept that from my parents but called her mom. Moment I learned of the affair I knew I was done with her.

Was hardest call I ever had to make. My mom loved her like a daughter and is still heartbroken over the whole thing


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Heck...I didnt even know until the day she announced she was leaving...

:wtf:

Classic Walk Away Wife...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I told no one when I decided to R on DD1. I told everyone when I decided I was getting out on DD2. 

While I was in R (for decades) I felt the state of my marriage was not anyone else's concern. That led everyone to feel I had the perfect marriage (the reality was far from it) and so they were all shocked and totally opposed when I decided to end it. 

Regardless of everyone's negative reaction once I decided to get out, I still very strongly feel that my problems were up to me to deal with and I would handle it the same if I had it to do over.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Interesting, I just realized that in a real sense I don't have any family.....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No they didn't. I made a huge mistake in keeping everything to myself.

When I started to tell people we were divorcing it was a very painful process, we were the golden couple, everybody was shocked and I spent months consoling other people which was very draining.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I came very close to divorce during my H's EA. For my family, the plan was to tell them right before the divorce was finalized. That was just in case we worked things out and because they would only create extra stress on me. To this day they know nothing.

I exposed to his family. That was very helpful.


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

I didn't tell my family, but I'm sure they knew something was up because of the condition I was in. You think me having wine for breakfast may have made them think something was up?  It's grape juice you sillies! *hiccup*

Seriously though, for reconciliation to work in my circumstance, I couldn't tell my family.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Interesting, I just realized that in a real sense I don't have any family.....


I'm sorry to hear that richard, but you can also make a family where you are. My brother has his own 'second' family up north, with people from church and in his neighborhood. 



Holland said:


> No they didn't. I made a huge mistake in keeping everything to myself.
> 
> When I started to tell people we were divorcing it was a very painful process, we were the golden couple, everybody was shocked and I spent months consoling other people which was very draining.


My family definitely sees us as the "golden couple". My grandma talks about us all the time, and uses us as the example for what my other cousins should do. Ugh. I wish she would stop, but I also don't want to bring about a bunch of issues with my relatives while we are working on our marriage. I'd rather my family not hold a grudge against my husband.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife's family is rife with OM's children, sex addicts and F**K buddies and serial cheaters going back 3 generations, no help and no understanding there. My family, solid marriages but hundreds of miles away and my brother and I don't talk, no problems just too different. My Dad has dementia. During the period after D-Day my employer and a couple of friends knew. One friend stood by me, sympathy from everyone else, but good support from TAM


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> Now that we are reconciled and doing fine, I'm glade we didn't. I don't need any rolling eyes, side looks or smirks at Thanksgiving dinner, thank-you-very-much.


This was why I didn't for a long time. I believed we would work it out, and I didn't want my family to hate him. I thought it we just worked it out then things could go back to normal all around and Christmas get togethers wouldn't be ruined. Then every time Christmas would roll around and we'd be around my family I'd think see, things would not be smooth and calm right now and instead awkward and tense between then if they had known.

Unfortunately, we are now headed for divorce. So they will have to know soon. I now think it may have been better if they had had some inkling instead of out of the blue. However, I kind of think my mom especially senses something is up.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Only his parents know and that's because he calls his mom every time I get mad at him.

I only talk to my brother and my best friend of 19 years (she is like family) - and they don't know.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> Does your family(parents, siblings, etc.) know about your marriage being in trouble?
> 
> I'm not necessarily saying they know any details, but a general knowledge that there are problems that exist. I've never verbally expressed to my family that my marriage has a number of issues, but I am wondering if maybe they should know instead of keeping up the charade we have now.


When we were on shaky ground a few years ago, with conversations around make-or-break, it was my husband who encouraged that we share with family so that it wouldn't be a complete shock to them.

My brother admitted he'd noticed that I'd stopped 'defending' my husband. Kind of interesting for me now to consider that comment in the context that I'd accepted certain behaviors from those closest to me to result in being defensive in the first place. I feel like a completely different person to who I was during those times. I confided some of my feelings and perspectives, of which now I absolutely see as lacking accountability and not seeing beyond my own bullsh*t. 

When I began to own it, my behavior, the patterns and dynamics of my family of origin then came into question. Part of my 'existential crisis' ha ha. I started asserting myself from a renewed perspective, unrelated to my marriage. My husband had been learning about himself too, and we got to a point where we agreed to give the marriage a try without too much focus on the outcome.

Amidst all of that, with the changes I began making within myself, resulted in confrontations and awkward, sometimes painful, moments with my family. Yes, I started to rock the boat and change my mold. And then I no longer needed to 'defend' my husband or myself; instead I started to grow into being more grounded. The way I viewed myself and my identity began to unravel in the best possible way - for my personal growth. Of course that was just the beginning.

I have certainly had moments when I wished I hadn't shared with the family. They have my back if needed. I know that. We aren't close the way many families are but we're close in our way. Perhaps it depends on the family dynamic you have. I couldn't say I benefited from sharing with them, nor did our marriage, particularly when things turned-around. It was part of the experience though and maybe that's where it becomes a paradox... looking to the dynamic of my family and the need to unravel and discover more about myself and what that means in terms of our relationship, is actually what helped me, and played a part in where we're at now.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

There were two major troubled times in my marriage. The first was before TAM and my parents could probably detect there were issues because of our spousal interactions. I never discussed it with anyone except my wife.

The EA which brought me to TAM was again something that I never told anyone about except my wife. We are both rather private in that way. My wife knows I'm on TAM and sometimes we discuss things I've seen here but nobody else knows that I'm on TAM.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

meson said:


> We are both rather private in that way. My wife knows I'm on TAM and sometimes we discuss things I've seen here but nobody else knows that I'm on TAM.


My husband and I are both very private as well. TAM is basically the only place where people know my marriage has issues. Otherwise, it is just never talked about and we act like we're a happy couple, although I don't know how many people actually fall for that act. I do have a strong feeling that my parents know something is up, but no one talks about it.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> My husband and I are both very private as well. TAM is basically the only place where people know my marriage has issues. Otherwise, it is just never talked about and we act like we're a happy couple, although I don't know how many people actually fall for that act. I do have a strong feeling that my parents know something is up, but no one talks about it.


Yes, many see through the act or forced civility etc. Ironically my witnessing my parents issues when they came into town to visit helped my marriage because it was like holding up a mirror and seeing exactly the same dynamic with my wife. 

But quite simply I wouldn't tell my mom because then its effectively open knowledge. I hear all sorts of stuff about my sisters marriage from her that I don't bring up. I have thought about somehow telling my sister about TAM but I really don't want her to know who i am here and from what I have said even today she could probably figure it out. If she knows then my mom knows and then it's almost public. 

A couple of years ago I had a thread that was very detailed about the first problem I mentioned above. It was very identifiable and explicit about our issues and my behavior. I started getting comments from people asking me about my marriage and how it was going. I'm not sure if it was a coincidence or if someone thought it was me and started spreading rumors. Anyway I took down the thread and removed a lot of my info and I am more careful now. 

I remember a few months ago that a couple of members realized they had had a relationship before. You never know who you might really know here.


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

My wife and I got married in 2005. We had problems from 2006-2013. 2013 they found out we were having problems. I didn't like it because it exposed what I was doing but not what my was doing. It was a good thing that they found out though.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> My husband and I are both very private as well. TAM is basically the only place where people know my marriage has issues. Otherwise, it is just never talked about and we act like we're a happy couple, although I don't know how many people actually fall for that act. I do have a strong feeling that my parents know something is up, but no one talks about it.


It's interesting, really. What makes it 'safe' to share marital issues with those who don't know us or our significant other, and have not experienced the nuisances that no doubt fall between these lines? Now don't get me wrong, I do feel I've gained insight from TAM and for that I'm thankful, so I'm not knocking this approach.

However if you have a reasonable relationship with your family, or others who know you well, why the need to keep that mask securely fastened around them? What is the purpose of keeping up the charade?

Sure, there's a good chance that family members can't and won't remain neutral or objective, because they (hopefully) care deeply about you. And yet, if we can't show our true selves to those closest to us - then when and how does the charade get dropped for us to start living truer, most importantly, for ourselves? Why the need to 'protect' ourselves with a mask from those who likely have our best interests in mind? This doesn't necessarily mean details need to be shared but there can still be more honesty in the relationship. What is the point of keeping up the pretense - who's it for? At the same time, perhaps I'm being idealistic with this thinking. 

I'd rather those closest to me really know me, not simply the image presented. Maybe that's the benefit I gained, afterall. They don't get the catwoman avatar. They are presented with me, warts and all. And I accept my warts even if they don't. At times they've accepted them when I haven't! Just food for thought.


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## Rick Barrow (Apr 14, 2015)

My family can only guess that we're facing some problems but I try not to share with them the details.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> It's interesting, really. What makes it 'safe' to share marital issues with those who don't know us or our significant other, and have not experienced the nuisances that no doubt fall between these lines? Now don't get me wrong, I do feel I've gained insight from TAM and for that I'm thankful, so I'm not knocking this approach.
> 
> However if you have a reasonable relationship with your family, or others who know you well, why the need to keep that mask securely fastened around them? What is the purpose of keeping up the charade?
> 
> ...


People on TAM are not at Thanksgiving dinner or Sunday get-togethers. If they judge my husband, it's not going to affect our daily life. I get the support, but not the interference... or so that is how I see it in my head. 

I'm close with my family, but I know they would hold things against my husband if they knew more. That would make get-togethers awkward. All I can think about is my cousin's marriage, where everyone knows there are issues. You can see people roll their eyes and just have a completely different reaction to them. I'd rather avoid that.


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## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

Husband's family knows...he texted his mother to tell her we were not coming over for Easter because he is "tired of pretending he is in a happy marriage". As a result, I started getting the phone calls from his mother and sister. I know they mean well but I don't want to discuss my lack of desire for intimacy with their son/brother with them. Now mother's day is coming up and I don't know how I can go over there without feeling really awkward.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> Does your family(parents, siblings, etc.) know about your marriage being in trouble?
> 
> I'm not necessarily saying they know any details, but a general knowledge that there are problems that exist. I've never verbally expressed to my family that my marriage has a number of issues, but I am wondering if maybe they should know instead of keeping up the charade we have now.


it depends on what your motive is.

if you just want to someone to take your side while you gripe about your spouse.....most definitely NOT.

If you are just wanting to explain that things are tough and that your life is having difficulty than go for it.

i think it is very foolish to share realtionship details with ANYONE...as friends and family typically tend to automatically side with you and even worse cheer-lead. there is ALWAYS another side to the story that those whom we spill our dirty laundry to don't get that viewpoint and can't give constructive advise.

just my .02


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I told no one about the problems in our marriage. Wife wouldn't talk to anyone outside, including professionals. This went on for 10 years until I had an affair. I still didn't tell anyone but she talked to her brother. I'm sure he only heard about the affair and not the 10 years of hell before it.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> It's interesting, really. What makes it 'safe' to share marital issues with those who don't know us or our significant other, and have not experienced the nuisances that no doubt fall between these lines? Now don't get me wrong, I do feel I've gained insight from TAM and for that I'm thankful, so I'm not knocking this approach.
> 
> *However if you have a reasonable relationship with your family, or others who know you well, why the need to keep that mask securely fastened around them? What is the purpose of keeping up the charade?*
> 
> ...



A mask assumes a different persona is being projected. For me this is not the case at all. Everyone from those closest to me to casual aquaintences see the real me. There is no untrue facit projected. The difference is what people know about me and how I react. Aquaintences often misjudge me. I dress different I don't follow all the social norms. As a result I have been targeted by police and had malintent assumed of me. 

However people get to know me they learn new things and begin to understand how and why I do things. Not everyone will be let in only those that demonstrate reliability and trustworthiness. My closest friends see a lot but not all because my wife is my closest friend. 

It is not important to know if we are having marriage issues (with some exceptions) all that is important is that our relationship with family or friends remain reliable and constant.

I've been at too many events where other spouses in the midst of a dispute mar the event by bickering or other similar behavior. We don't want to take our fight/dispute to others. It should remain between us and not inflict discomfort on others. 

The other reason for not sharing things in dispute is that it then becomes a topic to discuss with a friend or family and it then is frequently brought up. Something's I would prefer not be known and become a topic by not revealing it in the first place. That's not a mask its a barrier or a wall. But everything that exit the wall is still the true me. There are just things that others do not see.

That doesn't mean I let nobody in besides my wife to some of the innermost rooms but it's rare and it's usually to provide advice for someone else's problem. My wife and I have a good record of solving problems ourselves so we don't really need to reach out for help. This the family doesn't know and usually won't. 

TAM is an exception because of its psuedo anonymity.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

No. During the last few years when I was feeling very unhappy in our marriage I was tempted to talk to family about it, because I really didn't have anyone else to talk to (certainly not my wife heaven forbid!). However I did not because ultimately there wasn't anything any of them could do about it. Also because any relationship advice coming from the majority of my family should be taken with a boulder of salt.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

meson said:


> It is not important to know if we are having marriage issues (with some exceptions) all that is important is that our relationship with family or friends remain reliable and constant.
> 
> I've been at too many events where other spouses in the midst of a dispute mar the event by bickering or other similar behavior. We don't want to take our fight/dispute to others. It should remain between us and not inflict discomfort on others.
> 
> ...


I've only quoted part of your post as initially I was going to comment on certain parts before ending up quoting nearly the whole thing. You made good and valid points.

I wouldn't share bickerings and such and would not recommend that. That is not what I meant. It was more around if the relationship seems to be heading to an end. I agree that issues ought to be resolved between the couple. 

However if someone feels they are living a charade - as Anonymous eludes to in her marriage - that is where I question what the purpose of the charade is. I also think it's possible, granted perhaps difficult to do though, to express that the marriage is having issues without pointing the finger of blame at her husband. 

When my husband and I were really at our lowest point, the best advice came to me by a close friend... and it was about me. Not about the marriage necessarily, or my husband. I still remember that advice even now. 

Another close friend was shocked as she also looked up to our relationship. And yet, bursting that illusion was healthy for both my learning and her own. I have also since shared with a friend or two, as well as my own mother, what I've learned through that experience. That in turn helps me to learn more anyway and allows for more honest conversations to occur.

A close friend, who knows we went through our stuff, commented just yesterday how respectful my husband and I are of each other and that it's obvious how much he adores me. Knowing we went through a bit of a rough patch, of the everyday variety, and then learned and grew from it together as a couple, hasn't tainted their view of my husband, of me, or of us as a couple other than making us human.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My old friend has known everything every step of the way. We have been friends ever since we were roommates in college, and she knows me well enough that I can't lie to her anyway. 

I finally told my mom last week. We've separated twice and I'm tired of lying to cover it up. She knew something was up, and she's been super supportive. Of course she's hoping we'll work it out, but she's seen enough first-hand to understand that I'm miserable. It's such a relief that I don't have to pretend in front of her any more.


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