# breaking point



## vafan (Feb 22, 2013)

New here and just hoping for some advice. Been married for over 8 years and have about decided to throw in the towel. Husband hasn't had a job in several years - says he is looking but never offers where he has applied – never once seen an email for online applications. He stays up all night and sleeps all day - I work full time+ and still have to do all the chores in the morning and at lunch(we have small farm - goats/cows etc) he does do the late PM chores. About once a week he will clean the house - but that is it. We are in a LOT of debt due to only one income for so long. The last straw for me was last week he was supposed to go do some general labor work for a lady and he said he drove all the way out there and there was no one home. But then I checked the email the next day (I rarely check this email account) and she had emailed saying she'd waited on him all day and why didn’t he show up. Of course he lied and said she wasn’t there!!!!! He is hateful and lazy and I just can't handle it anymore. I took my vows very seriously but I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I've begged, cried, screamed and now I honestly have no feeling left - I'm just numb about everything. And he is very good during every argument at turning everything to being my fault so I start thinking I'm a terrible person. I think the only reason I am torn is that we’ve been together a long time and while I am not IN love with him anymore I do care about him and hate to see him struggle by himself – but I don’t think that is a reason to stay married. Is it soo much to ask that your spouse help with work around the house and bills! He gets very angry very easily and has threatened a lot of scary stuff and the day I thought please just do it and put me out of misery I realized I was not in a good place……………………… 

Any advice??


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

vafan said:


> New here and just hoping for some advice. Been married for over 8 years and have about decided to throw in the towel. Husband hasn't had a job in several years - says he is looking but never offers where he has applied – never once seen an email for online applications. He stays up all night and sleeps all day - I work full time+ and still have to do all the chores in the morning and at lunch(we have small farm - goats/cows etc) he does do the late PM chores. About once a week he will clean the house - but that is it. We are in a LOT of debt due to only one income for so long. The last straw for me was last week he was supposed to go do some general labor work for a lady and he said he drove all the way out there and there was no one home. But then I checked the email the next day (I rarely check this email account) and she had emailed saying she'd waited on him all day and why didn’t he show up. Of course he lied and said she wasn’t there!!!!! He is hateful and lazy and I just can't handle it anymore. I took my vows very seriously but I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I've begged, cried, screamed and now I honestly have no feeling left - I'm just numb about everything. And he is very good during every argument at turning everything to being my fault so I start thinking I'm a terrible person. I think the only reason I am torn is that we’ve been together a long time and while I am not IN love with him anymore I do care about him and hate to see him struggle by himself – but I don’t think that is a reason to stay married. Is it soo much to ask that your spouse help with work around the house and bills! He gets very angry very easily and has threatened a lot of scary stuff and the day I thought please just do it and put me out of misery I realized I was not in a good place………………………
> 
> Any advice??


I am so sorry for what you are going through. One thing you know for sure is that you can survive without him financially, and that you are certainly capable of being on your own. That's a good thing. 

Here's my advise. Give him an ultimatum and be willing to follow through. He has 30 days to find a real, full time job. Period. IF he does not do so, then the marriage is over. In the meantime, make sure that you have your financial situation straight meaning that he does not have access to your earned income or any credit cards that you pay. You earn the money, you control all of it. Cut him off.

As for doing the housework, since he is home, he should handle most of the chores. Create an environment that makes it uncomfortable for him to stay home all day and not work. No time to be lazy when there is laundry to do and food to be cooked. If he doesn't like it, tough. There's the door.

In other words, you have to take a strong stand and not tolerate being treated as the "work horse" of the family, while be gets to sit around doing nothing. Tell him the "free ride" is over.

I sincerely hope that he gets his act together so you don't have to end the marriage, but please don't allow this to continue. You will be fine on your own. He will have to learn the hard way.


----------



## vafan (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks - I've done something similar a few times - let things pile up and ask him to do things and it just turned into a huge fight and I still had to do it. About once every 3 times I make a big deal out of it he will straighten up for a week or so then he goes right back to the same. I would like to threatened the divorce but I'm honestly scared to - he has threatened to shoot me and burn the house down among other things and I'm scared of what he'll do. He even made the comment one day that if I divorced him he'd get the house because I've supported him and I'd have to continue - I honestly think he just married me to have a free place to live and food..................

He has threatened things for most of the marriage so I think he is all talk - but it is when I finally say enough and he has nothing to lose that I'm afraid of..........


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

vafan said:


> Thanks - I've done something similar a few times - let things pile up and ask him to do things and it just turned into a huge fight and I still had to do it. About once every 3 times I make a big deal out of it he will straighten up for a week or so then he goes right back to the same. I would like to threatened the divorce but I'm honestly scared to - he has threatened to shoot me and burn the house down among other things and I'm scared of what he'll do. He even made the comment one day that if I divorced him he'd get the house because I've supported him and I'd have to continue - I honestly think he just married me to have a free place to live and food..................
> 
> He has threatened things for most of the marriage so I think he is all talk - but it is when I finally say enough and he has nothing to lose that I'm afraid of..........


Get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder). Keep it on you. Next time he makes a threat, get a restraining order and boot him out of the home. Create a paper trail so that you have evidence of these threats, and confide in some family members, friends and co-workers for support. Don't keep these threats a secret.

Please don't live in fear.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get a voice activated recorder, and start carrying it in your purse. Keep it close to you when you're at home. Talk to a lawyer and women's shelters. Do you have any family in the area?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Take him seriously and protect yourself. You are in a dangerous situation.


----------



## vafan (Feb 22, 2013)

I've thought about one of those - the only thing is he likes to look through my purse and stuff and I'm scared he'd find it - but I guess I need to outweigh the benefit to the risk. I honestly don't think he'll do anything unless he thought I was going to file for divorce. I'm afraid at that point he will feel like he has nothing to lose. His threats have escalated in frequency and severity but I guess the reason I didn't leave earlier was he always made me feel like the threats were my fault (threatening me was the only thing that made me listen) and that anyone else would have followed though. He even blamed me for being scared and said I was stupid cause he'd never actually hit me. 

I really wanted to see if anyone thought there was any saving it but even as I read this myself I feel like a idiot! I guess I just got so used to it I didn't realize how wrong it was. And I'm so upset over his lack of help/work I guess I just kind of ignored the rest of it.

My mom lives about 15 minutes away and I do have a few friends that know what is going on. I guess it is time to go see a lawyer and figure out what I need to do next................


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the suggestion of you having a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times when you are around him. The next time he makes a threat and you get it on the recorder, call 911.

What state do you live in? I'm asking due to things like alimony so we can give you some help with what you can expect.

Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights in divorce?


----------



## vafan (Feb 22, 2013)

Live in TN - going to try to get an appointment with a good lawyer in the next couple of weeks. He had a job when we got married - but has a VERY sketchy work history - no place for more than a couple of years. Few assets - house but not worth much more than the loan - and LOTS of credit card debt accumulated during marriage.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vafan said:


> I've thought about one of those - the only thing is he likes to look through my purse and stuff and I'm scared he'd find it - but I guess I need to outweigh the benefit to the risk.


When you are at home, keep the VAR on your body. When I used one I kept it in my bra. I’m a big chested enough that there is no way he could tell it was there while I had my clothing on. When you are asleep, etc slip it under the bed. After all he never cleans so he won’t find it. 



vafan said:


> I honestly don't think he'll do anything unless he thought I was going to file for divorce. I'm afraid at that point he will feel like he has nothing to lose. His threats have escalated in frequency and severity but I guess the reason I didn't leave earlier was he always made me feel like the threats were my fault (threatening me was the only thing that made me listen) and that anyone else would have followed though. He even blamed me for being scared and said I was stupid cause he'd ever actually hit me.


Like a lot of people, you don’t have good boundaries. Him threatening should have led to you leaving the first time he threatened you. Instead you reacted counter to self-preservation and stayed out of fear. Think about that for a while. You go to work every day so you are free to leave. You could get all the help you need. But instead you are allowing him to control you. 

You say that his threats have escalated over time. That’s normal for abusers. Abuse is about control. Right now he can control you with words. The first time he realizes that he cannot control you with words; he will most likely escalate to actual physical violence. That’s how abuse works.

You really do need to get counseling form someone so specializes in domestic violence. 



vafan said:


> I really wanted to see if anyone thought there was any saving it but even as I read this myself I feel like a idiot! I guess I just got so used to it I didn't realize how wrong it was. And I'm so upset over his lack of help/work I guess I just kind of ignored the rest of it.


You need an exit plan. You can search on google for domestic violence exit plans for ideas of things to do. I’ll give you some of the things that I can thing of off the top of my head.

Ask your mom or a friend if you can use their address and store a few thing with them. If they will not allow this open a PO Box and rent a small storage space. I’ll call these your ‘safe place”.

If you have joint bank accounts with him, go open an account in your name only. You can use $25 to open an account at most banks. Use your safe place address for this new account.

If your pay check is auto deposited to your joint account, get that changed so it goes to your new, personal bank account. Keep all paperwork, bank card, etc for your personal account in your safe place or at work (if you can). You do not want him to find this info in your purse.

Get all financial and personal papers (birth certs, marriage license, etc.) from your house and store them in your safe place. If you are concerned about him noticing these things being gone then take and get photo copies. Keep as many of the originals as you can and put the copies at the house you share with him. In my case I did this over a week’s time taking the papers to work and copying them. (At the time I worked for a company that was ok with me using their copy machine.)

If there are any valuables in your home store them in your safe place. If he asks you where they are just tell him you had to sell them to pay the bills. Later, if they are community property you can add them to the list of assets in your possession.

Store of clothing at your safe place so that you have what you need to live and go to work.
You need a safe place to move to. Is there someone you can move in with?

Do you want to stay on the farm If you leave him? Who will take care of the animals If he’s left there by himself?


vafan said:


> My mom lives about 15 minutes away and I do have a few friends that know what is going on. I guess it is time to go see a lawyer and figure out what I need to do next................


Yes it is time to do this.

As the attorney about getting him out of the house since it’s on a farm and you do the farm chores and have animals to take care of.


----------



## vafan (Feb 22, 2013)

Yes I would hope to stay on the farm - I love my animals more than anything and I know he would NOT take care of them - even though he is the one that acquired a lot of them. Thankfully I have a joint checking account - with my MOTHER!! Never changed it - all money goes in there and all bills paid from there. House is in my name only, all vehicles in my name. I do 75% of farm chores and pay 100% of all expenses. I've been moving a lot of stuff to my office and have tried to keep a diary of what has happened as well as emails with my friends about it. And the email where he had the opportunity to make money but stood the lady up - hope to show that he has the ability to make a living but chooses not to!


----------



## vafan (Feb 22, 2013)

"Like a lot of people, you don’t have good boundaries. Him threatening should have led to you leaving the first time he threatened you. Instead you reacted counter to self-preservation and stayed out of fear. Think about that for a while. You go to work every day so you are free to leave. You could get all the help you need. But instead you are allowing him to control you. " Not sure how to quote!!!

You are 100% correct - the first threat happened within months of getting married - I should have stopped it right then and there. But I thought I could fix it - thought he would change ect ect. And then after so long I guess I just got numb to it. And then the last couple of years it has been the fear of what he'd do if I left and fear for the safety of the animals.


----------

