# I'll only have sex if I feel close to you



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

So my W and I have been married 20 years. We've had a tough couple of years for a variety of reasons. Currently just started MC. Sex has been an ongoing battle for many years and more heated the last year or so. We've had sex 5 times in the last year, always when drunk.

Yesterday she told me she doesn't like having sex because she doesn't feel close to me. I told her in order to feel close to someone you have to share yourself, be vulnverable, be real. She has been increasingly closed off emotionally.

I'm frustrated because she won't open up and attempt to get "closer". I like to and have no problem with it.

To me it's like it's a circular argument - seems like she just doesn't want to have sex or get closer. 

Thoughts are welcome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Women tie their emotions directly to sex. So if that is lacking in your relationship (the emotional closeness), I am not at all surprised she isn't into sex.

So... ask her what you can do about it to feel closer? Are you telling her she looks nice? Remembering to do the little things when you dated? Being kind to her? Calling her just to say hi?

She needs to make an effort too since it is a two-way street.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

"Not close" might be code for "not attracted".


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

Sounds about right. If emotional closeness begins to lack with us the first sign is sex decreases.

His needs, Her needs and worksheets that go with it, have been the best thing. We redo them every so often because our needs do change.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

2yearsago said:


> seems like she just doesn't want to have sex or get closer.


It's this.

She's making excuses.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> It's this.
> 
> She's making excuses.


Bingo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> - seems like she just doesn't want to have sex or get closer.


So since others echo this thought it aligns with what I already pretty much felt. She is checked out of the marriage. 

The truth is if something is important, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse. Maybe that's simplistic but really that's what it boils down to.

Why stick around?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> We've had a tough couple of years for a variety of reasons.


Has this caused resentment and a loss of respect for you?

If she has lost respect for you that will be the place to start.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Here's an idea. Have you tried not arguing with her over sex?

Seems too simple but it really does help. If what you want is not what she wants, are you respecting her decision by arguing with her?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

i'll ask a common question, are you certain that their is not an OM?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2yearsago said:


> So since others echo this thought it aligns with what I already pretty much felt. She is checked out of the marriage.
> 
> The truth is if something is important, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse. Maybe that's simplistic but really that's what it boils down to.
> 
> Why stick around?


Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"? Start there.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So you ask her what she needs to feel emotionally connected to you and you provide that on a consistent basis. When you do, make a point of getting her to acknowledge that you did.

For example, if she says she needs non-sexual intimacy and you just spent the evening cuddling and watching a movie, point out that experience and get her to agree that it was part of what she was looking for.

It may be that sex will restart on its own after this. If so, keep up the good work.

If after weeks of doing this nothing changes, then you have to have 'the talk" with her. Point out that SHE outlined what she needed, and SHE acknowledged that you were meeting those need on several occasions. Explain to her that a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" is one of your needs and without it, you will become frustrated, resentful and less likely to continue to meet her needs. And if this happens, the marriage is over.

Don't apologize for your sex drive. Don't apologize for wanting intimacy. You CAN apologize for not realizing what she needed to connect emotionally but then explain that SHE needs to get on board to keep the marriage going.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well you can pull the old I'll only share my pay if i feel close to you.


seems like shes feels close enough to you too spend your money.

its a line of bull. she just is selfish.or she would be happy you want to make things better .


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

I know the feeling where you two are at all too well. I'm guessing there are some deeper underlying issues between you, which is why you currently started MC. My wife and I just finished up MC after going for about 13 months or so.

I learned a lot from our counselling, but the one thing in particular that I took out of it, and which probably resulted in our MC going quite a lot longer than it really needed to is this. Drop the hounding her for sex for a bit. Let her initiate when things start going better between the two of you. If you keep bugging her for it, and she is still "not ready", she will see it as you just want her around for sex. As much as I tried telling her this wasn't true, it kept coming back to this until I truly backed off for a while.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

I know the feeling where you two are at all too well. I'm guessing there are some deeper underlying issues between you, which is why you currently started MC. My wife and I just finished up MC after going for about 13 months or so.

I learned a lot from our counselling, but the one thing in particular that I took out of it, and which probably resulted in our MC going quite a lot longer than it really needed to is this. Drop the hounding her for sex for a bit. Let her initiate when things start going better between the two of you. If you keep bugging her for it, and she is still "not ready", she will see it as you just want her around for sex. As much as I tried telling her this wasn't true, it kept coming back to this until I truly backed off for a while.


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