# Unreasonable???



## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

I'm a 62 year old guy. In a relationship of 18 years to a woman who suffers from depression. Sometimes it can be hard when she falls into a black hole. She doesn't work. In work usually 6 days a week. She doesn't usually get out of bed until at least 11.00 a.m. my step dad is 83
His garage wall was in need or repair before it fell down. I took an extra day off to rebuild it. It was my birthday but we had nothing planned. The next day (today) I needed to go and finish the job but my partner was not happy because she wanted me at home with her. Telling me I spent "all" my time off with my step dad. I knew this was coming and I spent ages preparing to tell her. I knew she would object to me going a second day. Just to make things clear. I am home every night. In sit with her every night. We watch what ever she wants to watch. I don't go out drinking. I don't have any friends anymore so I'm not spending time with them. The ONLY person I see is my dad. So here I am sitting in my car after a huge argument. She needed me "out of her house" yes even after all these years she reminds men that it is her house (which it is). I just work all hours god sends to pay for everything. was it unreasonable for me to spend the whole weekend with my step dad. Non of us are getting any younger. How long does he have left? The ironic thing is that any improvement or repairs in do ultimately benefit me. His house is mine when he dies! Anyway. I've got a blanket and pillow as I prepare to spend the night in my car. I can't go to dad's. It would upset him too much. Wasbi being unreasonable not spending the day with her?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It was definitely NOT unreasonable for you to help your dad. Your wife is being totally unreasonable though and depression is not an excuse. Is she being treated for that?

Do you ever take a day off here and there to spend with your wife? It doesn't have to be a regular thing, but just here and there? My wife loves when I do that. Not sure your wife deserves it but...



Spookystories said:


> Anyway. I've got a blanket and pillow as I prepare to spend the night in my car.


Yeah, hell no. Get your ass inside and deal with this. Stop letting her walk all over you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Spookystories said:


> She doesn't work.





Spookystories said:


> She needed me "out of her house" yes even after all these years she reminds men that it is her house (which it is).


So why is her house "hers" but YOUR money also "hers"?

She doesn't get to have it both ways. Who pays for the upkeep of "her" house? Who pays all the bills? I'm guessing it's you. Lucky her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spookystories said:


> Anyway. I've got a blanket and pillow as I prepare to spend the night in my car. I can't go to dad's. It would upset him too much. Wasbi being unreasonable not spending the day with her?


Hahaha NO. Mate, you get your butt back in that house now, I think she'd be in for a hell of a shock if you left, when she finds that you are in fact entitled to part of "her" house.

Depression is a very self indulgent illness and living with a depressed person will suck the life out of you if you let it. This doesn't mean it's their fault, but that's the reality of it. You need to take care of yourself too. It's often harder for the carer than the person with the illness.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you helping your dear old dad.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I know what the problem is...... the problem is you. You are your own problem. You decided to give up your own life a long time ago. You can blame her all you want but your the problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

After your father dies, move into the house that is rightfully yours. Leave her to live in HER house. Oh, and by the way, dump her like radioactive waste. Life IS short. Don't waste the time you have left with this nasty woman. Seriously.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> After your father dies, move into the house that is rightfully yours. Leave her to live in HER house. Oh, and by the way, dump her like radioactive waste. Life IS short. Don't waste the time you have left with this nasty woman. Seriously.


So true !!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I like the “dump her like radioactive waste” part, because I never can think of anything that good. 
What exactly would you be losing other than a headache? Look at yourself. You’re in your car because you are scared of your psycho wife who completely and thoroughly uses you. Due to the fact that she drives you like an old mule, you have no friends and no life other than providing for her needs.
Where are you? Are YOUR needs being met?
I know you’re not gonna make any changes, so what do you want to hear?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Leave her to live in HER house.


And get a job to pay her own bills.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would be damned if I would pay the bills on a house I couldn't sleep in. That's stoopid. Lose the girlfriend and get a life.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A good woman/gf/partner would offer to come with you to fix dad's house. Spend time together, and help dad at the same time. 

You should not sleep in the car. You have every right to be in the house, you pay the bills. You can just tell her, "I don't want to fight, but this is where I live, where I sleep." I can think of alot more to tell her, but at LEAST that much.


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## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

You know,when I read all these great replies it really puts it in perspective. She sent a text about 11 pm telling me to get back home. I ignored it. Because of covid. No hotels so night in car. At work now. She said because of past experiences with former partners she needs to feel safe and put distance between arguing partner. We've been together 18 years obviously I've never laid a finger on her. God knows sometimes ... But it is true. I don't have much of a life. Work. Shop home bed. No sex life. She no longer wants it. She does do some housework. A small 2 Bed bungalow. It really doesn't take long. She will tell me that she has not stopped all day. I look around and the ironing is still piled up. The bed isn't made. The dirty dishes are still not in the dishwasher. If I ask her just what she has done I am setting myself up for a row. I know all these things are classic depression signs and I know it's an awful illness. However,for the life of me,I can not ignore my dad when he needs a hand and I cannot let him know it has caused a problem because I know he would blame himself and not ask me again. I have tried to explain to my partner that I an not responsible for her happiness. That is up to her to figure out. I get it. I'm at work all day and she expects a day with me. But even if I stay home. She will not be out of bed before 11 and not dressed before 1.00. I know its not p.c to I'm any way question a persons mental illness. Especially if its depression. It is too easy to be seen as insensitive and not understanding. But (and I hate using that word) there is a fine line between depression and being shall we say, reluctant to make an effort? I guess I am too old and too worn down to change now. My life has been for a long time one of doing for others. IF you guys had come back and told me I was being unreasonable then I would have known I had totally lost my mind. Thank you all so much.


SunnyT said:


> A good woman/gf/partner would offer to come with you to fix dad's house. Spend time together, and help dad at the same time.
> 
> You should not sleep in the car. You have every right to be in the house, you pay the bills. You can just tell her, "I don't want to fight, but this is where I live, where I sleep." I can think of alot more to tell her, but at LEAST that much.


I've asked her to go with me. God knows he could do with the company and perhaps a little light housework. She has done so in the past but seems reluctant even though she says she loves him. He loves it when she goes. Its all part of the depression thing. NO motivation. That and little girl syndrome. She was daddy's little girl. I feel she thinks I was favouring him and neglecting her when I went down to work on his garage roof. Its only 5 miles away. I was home at 7.00 with supermarket shopping of all her favourite things to eat. By the way. I'm still I'm the car! I'm too p#### off to bother with her. After 18 years I'm getting to the point of leaving. Not a happy thought at 62 years old.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Dude, you're 62, you're not dead! Go back to wherever you left your nuts and get your life back. You know what to do, so do it!


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## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Dude, you're 62, you're not dead! Go back to wherever you left your nuts and get your life back. You know what to do, so do it!


Well. That's telling me. You are right of course. Just tried having a conversation. Got the "I just need some space" bu#####t. That's easy to say when you're in a nice warm house. A bit different after 18 years to be sleeping in a car! So told her she can have all the space she needs. As from tonight NO more of my money is going to run a house in can't even sleep in. All I needed to know is was it unreasonable to go and help my dad? She still seems to think it was because she wanted me there. Ironically she now doesn't want me there.??? Bonkers.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Can you move in with your Dad? Think of all of the money you'll save and your Dad will become increasingly in need of your help as he gets older.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Can you move in with your Dad? Think of all of the money you'll save and your Dad will become increasingly in need of your help as he gets older.


I totally agree. Help the person who’ll be grateful.


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## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

Yes. I'm not going to dump myself on him tonight. It's going to hurt him which is what I have been trying to avoid. It won't cost me a penny to live there and I will be able to save. Just sad its got to this. She has issues I can't fix.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Spookystories said:


> Yes. I'm not going to dump myself on him tonight. It's going to hurt him which is what I have been trying to avoid. It won't cost me a penny to live there and I will be able to save. Just sad its got to this. She has issues I can't fix.


Has it always been like this in the 18 years together? Sounds like she has got used to you acquiescing all the time and is now taking you for granted. Tell her to get herself sorted with drugs, therapy, whatever is needed cause you are no longer living like this. Then give her a deadline of say 2-3 months. If nothing is changing, go see a lawyer as you may have legal responsibilities as she would be considered your 'common law wife.' Then make plans to leave and live with your Dad. Your life would be much better as you sound miserable now.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Spookystories said:


> Well. That's telling me. You are right of course. Just tried having a conversation. Got the "I just need some space" bu#####t. That's easy to say when you're in a nice warm house. A bit different after 18 years to be sleeping in a car! So told her she can have all the space she needs. As from tonight NO more of my money is going to run a house in can't even sleep in. All I needed to know is was it unreasonable to go and help my dad? She still seems to think it was because she wanted me there. Ironically she now doesn't want me there.??? Bonkers.


wow, she may be depressed - but more than that she is super selfish!
You’d be doing yourself a favor if you pick your stuff up and move in with your step father. He may enjoy your company!
And don’t give your partner one more dime!
She should be working full time! She may not be so depressed if she accomplished some things each day. Why she hasn’t worked full time is beyond me. 
depression is one thing - entitled and lazy is what her problem looks like.
Stop helping her to use you for money! Heck she can’t even make effort for sex - she seems worthless.


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## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> wow, she may be depressed - but more than that she is super selfish!
> You’d be doing yourself a favor if you pick your stuff up and move in with your step father. He may enjoy your company!
> And don’t give your partner one more dime!
> She should be working full time! She may not be so depressed if she accomplished some things each day. Why she hasn’t worked full time is beyond me.
> ...


Mk. worthless is how she feels. She has no self esteem. Depression can be debilitating. It is hard to distinguish between lack of motivation and laziness. We HAVE been here before. About 3 years ago. Same scenario. She creates this situation to almost prove to herself how worthless she is. If I go she is proved right. She admits her head has gone west but apart from taking meds, she doesn't seek any help. She says she is beyond that. Do I be the supportive partner and ride it out. Am I enabling her to continue? Or do I move on and finally close the door on 18 years of my life? She would say. HAS said she wouldn't blame me for leaving her. That she thinks i should. That in deserve better and that she has always loved me and still does! Its complicated.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I've observed that people say "it's complicated" when they want to maintain the status quo. It's only complicated if you make it so.


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## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I've observed that people say "it's complicated" when they want to maintain the status quo. It's only complicated if you make it so.


All depends. I know after 18 years nothing is going to change. I must say here,its not ALL bad and for 95% of the time we are a solid couple. Ill or lazy? After all this time I still don't know. Be understanding and patient or hard and demanding? Maybe a bit of both? She tells me this is her illnesses. I doubt she wants to hurt me or lose me but her indifference is a reflection of her state of mind. I guess it comes down to tough love or gentle nurturing. If she had cancer or m.s or Parkinson's or PTSD would I walk away? I guess what has changed is the fact that I'm giving more attention to my dad these days and maybe a little less to her. That's why I say its complicated. I was doubting my own sanity. I was thinking it somehow WAS wrong to help my dad with his garage door rather than spend the day with her telling me how low she was feeling. I felt controlled. Her illness controls her and it has started to control me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you're ok with being a sugar daddy who gets no sugar? And, to top it off, you get to live in a dirty house with a morose, depressed roommate who kicks you out because you spent two days helping an old man. Yep, you've got it made in the shade. 

Unless, you're a psychologist you really don't know the ins and outs of her condition(s). But, kudos for going above and beyond in being understanding of her condition(s). Is this what you signed up for? Have you had yourself evaluated by a professional? It seems you might be suffering from the KISA syndrome.


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## Spookystories (Feb 21, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you're ok with being a sugar daddy who gets no sugar? And, to top it off, you get to live in a dirty house with a morose, depressed roommate who kicks you out because you spent two days helping an old man. Yep, you've got it made in the shade.
> 
> Unless, you're a psychologist you really don't know the ins and outs of her condition(s). But, kudos for going above and beyond in being understanding of her condition(s). Is this what you signed up for? Have you had yourself evaluated by a professional? It seems you might be suffering from the KISA syndrome.


Ouch!! Truth hurts. But its good to hear it. I'm spending more time feeling sorry for her than valuing my SELF. I think about losing my home (which I will) and living with my dad. For god sake at my age? But I can't continue down this road and I am not spending another night in my car. Keep slapping me across the face. I need waking up.


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## #TrvlYogaRN (Feb 24, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I know what the problem is...... the problem is you. You are your own problem. You decided to give up your own life a long time ago. You can blame her all you want but your the problem.



Ouch! Painfully honest man! You just tipped my scale in my own situation.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Helping your Dad is what any good son would do. She has to understand that and if she doesn't that's HER problem, not yours. I think it's time to do some tough love on her. Lay it out...this is what you're asking of me and I can't do that anymore...I'm paying for everything but I get nothing back, not even the knowledge that my bed will be okay to sleep in tonight. Why should I live that way? The house is a mess, you refuse to have sex with me, you kick me out when you feel like it but you take all my money. Well, no, I'm not going to live that way anymore. Decide what YOU want honey because if those things don't or can't change, I'm out. 

I'm curious, what did she say when you pointed out that YOU pay for the house she keeps saying is hers and then aren't allowed to sleep in it???


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would your step-dad care if you’re with her or not?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Spookystories said:


> Do I be the supportive partner and ride it out. Am I enabling her to continue? Or do* I move on and finally close the door on 18 years of my life?* She would say. HAS said she wouldn't blame me for leaving her. That she thinks i should. That in deserve better and that she has always loved me and still does! Its complicated.


Move on and don't waste another day of your life on a woman that has never appreciated you. You cannot fix broken but you can break yourself in the process of trying. You have tried for 18 years with nothing to show for your efforts.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Spookystories said:


> Yes. I'm not going to dump myself on him tonight. It's going to hurt him which is what I have been trying to avoid. It won't cost me a penny to live there and I will be able to save. Just sad its got to this. She has issues I can't fix.


You won't make your Dad feel bad. Her arguing about you helping him is NOT the problem. You don't tell him that at all since it's not the real cause here.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Spookystories said:


> Mk. worthless is how she feels. She has no self esteem. Depression can be debilitating. It is hard to distinguish between lack of motivation and laziness. We HAVE been here before. About 3 years ago. Same scenario. She creates this situation to almost prove to herself how worthless she is. If I go she is proved right. She admits her head has gone west but apart from taking meds, she doesn't seek any help. She says she is beyond that. Do I be the supportive partner and ride it out. Am I enabling her to continue? Or do I move on and finally close the door on 18 years of my life? She would say. HAS said she wouldn't blame me for leaving her. That she thinks i should. That in deserve better and that she has always loved me and still does! Its complicated.


She needs to see a psychiatrist and get her meds fixed. The one's she's on aren't working obviously if she said herself that "her head has gone west". SHE says she's beyond that but the Dr could help a ton.
However, if she WILL NOT do anything to improve, there's not much you can do.

If she loves you, she has a funny way of showing it. ACTIONS not words.


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