# Wife Cheating - what now?



## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

This may be a bit of a ramble but please bear with me. A few weeks ago I noticed a txt appear on my wife's phone from a gym instructor at the local gym. It was late at night but wasn't salacious in any way. However it felt, to me, to be a strange time to send somebody a txt - basically it raised my suspicions.

Since then I've noticed a few things - she never leaves her mobile phone down (and she use to), brings it to the bathroom (even late at night) and has it on vibrate only (I hear it go off in her pocket but she doesn't answer it). She goes to her classes in the gym and then stays on to work out - coming home late. She's over-nice to me - really looks like she's trying to make up for something. Other txt messages have appeared here and there but none of which I could read as the phone would be in her hands. However, I saw a text saying "I can't stand seeing you with your husband" one night but decided that was not the time and place to confront her.

A week ago we were out and she got very drunk (unlike her). When we got home she feel sleep and that gave me a opportunity to check her phone. Up until now I've been trying to say to myself no, she wouldn't cheat on me, I'm just imaging in it. But I had to know for sure. Using her phone I accessed her online phone account - I hated myself for doing this but I had to know for sure and felt the end justified the means. To my horror I discovered she had indeed been txting this guy - for 2 months! Over 350 txts a month.

Our kids swim most days at the same club and she must see him a lot.

I have no idea if she has a physical relationship with this guy but my gut say she does. What makes it worse is that he's just separated from his own wife. 

I've been putting off approaching her about this as I wanted to make sure my suspicions were correct. I love my wife. She's a great home-maker and fabulous mother to our kids. I know she was bored at home but this was the last thing I expected.

I'm pretty sure its the only time she's been unfaithful and feel it may be a bit of a "bored house wife" thing. We've had financial issues lately which have played on my mind a lot. In different circumstances I don't believe she would be unfaithful.

Am I fooling myself here? I don't want to leave her and don't want her to leave me. I know I have it in me to forgive her (even if I'll end up watching her like a hawk for a while!). Has anyone got any good practical advise on how to approach her and not undo 14 years of marriage?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the texts say?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Im sorry you are going through this. Reading your story was like talking about my own story. My ex husband did the same thing with his cell phone. He used to just put it on the charger after work and then forget about it. Then he would never put it down, it was always on vibrate, he'd take it to the bathroom with him where before he would take a book. I did the same thing as you, waited for him to fall asleep and went thru his phone. And sure enough, he was messing around. I was also married for 14 yrs. When I first confronted him, he of course denied everything, kept calling her "just a friend" (btw, if your wife ever calls the OM, just a friend, you can be sure they are screwing. sorry to be so blunt but thats how the DS's work) I gave my husband a choice..me or her. Long story short, in the end, he chose her. So, I filed for divorce which was finalized last month. You need to stand up and muster up all your strength as you will need it. You are about to go to war for your marriage and it will probably get bloody (not literally but you know what I mean) There is a lot of great advice here, follow that advice. It could save your marriage but if it doesnt, it will save you and make you stronger.


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

I saw texts come through on her screen from the guy involved (when she was sitting beside me) but the phone would be turned away from me before I could read anything. She has an iphone and the txt's would just pop up on-screen - without the full text appearing.

When I saw the "I can't stand seeing you with your husband" she had not replied to it as it was the same night she fell asleep (as per original post). Any time I've checked her phone (which is v rare) the texts are not there - but I know they were there as I've seen her bill breakdown. Also, she deletes the phone log from here phone!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

IMO you have plenty of evidence to point to an EA (emotional affair), chances are good that it has progressed to a PA (physical affair).

How much you want to "really" know is up to you, you likely get won't to the real truth by asking her, she will only admit to what solid proof you have in most cases. Thus you can either continue to spy through VAR's (voice activated recorders), keyloggers, GPS tracking and continually monitoring the phone (or by breaking your schedule habits and pop on home at weird times or flat following her) OR you can confront her now.

To me an EA is just as bad as a PA, some feel differently.

after what you decide to do you need to law down the law so to speak-

let her know that your marriage cannot continue while she engages in an affair. You will only continue this marriage if she agrees to never contact that man again. (find another gym obviously) She must allow you open access to her phone, passwords, etc. She must attend counseling with you with a counselor that makes you feel comfortable. (its important to shop for counselors IMO) She must always answer any and all questions about the affair repeatedly as you deserve to know the details and will confirm her story through repetition. Let her know that you understand that problems in the marriage will be addressed but you cannot address them until she complies with the previous conditions. I also highly recommend exposing the OM's behavior to his boss/HR department and his wife if he has one.

Remember you cannot proceed with forgiveness and this marriage without her being the one to help you heal and openly showing you everything. If she isn't compliant then you can't back down off of your threat or you will only prolong a very bad situation. Take a look at many other threads where the WS (wayland spouse) continues to cheat and the BS (betrayed spouse) doesn't file and you'll see it never ends well.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

I was the WS in my marriage. What she is doing is what I basically did. I overcompensated trying to give me husband 3x the normal amount of affection than was normal.

Difference is my H was not interested in me anymore, no matter how much affection I gave him even before my EA. He pushed me away.

Im sry to say but based on what you say without her side leads me to believe she is either having an EA or PA with this OM.

Im sry your going through this, I think you need to sit down and tell her you 2 need to have a frank conversation. Dont just listen to her words watch her reactions. Actions speak louder than words and believe me when I say trust your gut and brain in this matter not your heart! You'll only cloud things up by leading by your emotions for your W.

I dont mean to sound harsh but from what your saying it sounds like this is something that has just begun not long ago and sounds like she maybe on an emotional roller coaster herself. But know this if she is having an A it is her responsibility and fault alone - Nothing you could have done or said justify's her infidelity in any way shape or form (IF she is having an A).

Best of luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

40Man said:


> When I saw the "I can't stand seeing you with your husband" she had not replied to it as it was the same night she fell asleep (as per original post).


You have to confront her.

I wonder if his separation has something to due with his relationship w/ your wife.


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks for the quick replies guys. 

Looking through this and other sites etc I know I can't approach her all guns blazing. I've known about this for long enough and can't stick my head in the sand anymore. I also don't want to ask or know what exactly is going on because 1) It makes no difference to the simple fact she cheated and 2) she will probably lie about it anyway. 

With regards to his separation, I can pinpoint the exact day she hooked up with this guy. She was in a local nightclub with some girlfriends and the texts started after that night. It was her first time in a nightclubs in years! I heard about his marriage issues prior to that night so I don't feel it's "cause and effect" here. However, it can't help either


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

You do not need any more evidence. As many of us will say, the signs are clear that what she is doing is inappropriate - she knows it - you know it.

Do not make the mistake many of us have made. Address this immediately, and do it with strength. The weaker your confrontation, the less it will resonate. Come out guns a blazing and let her know she ends this immediately or you will have to do some serious thinking about your relationship.

Now, the other question, have either of you been looking for an out. The problem is that sometimes people get in too deep and regret it, and other times they are doing it purposely in order to get an easy ticket out. You have to think about that and adjust your approach accordingly.

Edit - Hilarious you wrote no guns a blazing and I did. Situations vary, but my WW had multiple EAs. 

If you lead her to believe you know much more than you actually do, it can work in strange ways. A calm and collected confrontation, offering limited details and not revealing your sources can make her think you know everything, when you actually don't. That's an alternate approach.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You have to confront her.
> 
> I wonder if his separation has something to due with his relationship w/ your wife.


somehow I messed reading that the OM is separated earlier


I definitely think you should contact her

a) she could know about it already and could provide you details
b) may not know and they could be trying to get back together and she deserves to know or if not trying to get back together deserves to know she made the right choice.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

40Man said:


> This may be a bit of a ramble but please bear with me. A few weeks ago I noticed a txt appear on my wife's phone from a gym instructor at the local gym. It was late at night but wasn't salacious in any way. However it felt, to me, to be a strange time to send somebody a txt - basically it raised my suspicions.
> 
> Since then I've noticed a few things - she never leaves her mobile phone down (and she use to), brings it to the bathroom (even late at night) and has it on vibrate only (I hear it go off in her pocket but she doesn't answer it). She goes to her classes in the gym and then stays on to work out - coming home late. She's over-nice to me - really looks like she's trying to make up for something. Other txt messages have appeared here and there but none of which I could read as the phone would be in her hands. However, I saw a text saying "I can't stand seeing you with your husband" one night but decided that was not the time and place to confront her.
> 
> ...


Tell her you know about her relationship with the Gym instructor guy. Tell her you have seen the messages. Dont take things like, 'we're just friends' for an answer and give her an ultimatum. 

If it were my wife, I would demand her phone, right here, right now, on the spot. I would then go to the gym and confront the OM in front of everyone within listening distance. I would also talk to his boss and say this guy is praying on married women who work out at this gym, specifically your wife, and you DEMAND he do something about it. I would do it LOUDLY so other gym members hear the whole thing.

Of course I would cut the gym membership while I am there.

Do not listen to excuses, be firm and go into a 180. Demand FULL TRANSPARENCY. All passwords shared. Monitor her. Put a keylogger on the computer. Put a voice activated recorder in her car. Tell her that if she does not 100% completely end the relationship now, its over. Do NOT let her string you along with things like, 'your trying to control me' or 'Im confused' or any of that sort of rot.

Just my two cents worth.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Women loose respect quickly for a husband who is a doormat. So man up and confront her immediately. She needs to know that it is either you or the OM, and she needs to decide ASAP. Be prepared that she could just decide to go with the OM. Its a roll of the dice, but she has put you in an untenable position. She is destroying your self worth every minute you wait on this. She is crushing your heart with little regard for the consequences. And yes she will lie her ass off. Don't listen to her words anymore, just observe her actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

shaung said:


> Tell her you know about her relationship with the Gym instructor guy. Tell her you have seen the messages.


Do this. And be sure you are very vague about what you do know/what you've seen.

Give her enough rope to hang herself. Let her do all the talking.

You can say _ "I am aware you are having an inappropriate relationship with Gym Dude. It ends today or there is no more me. I will not live in an open relationship."_

If she waffles or denies (it's 99% likely, she will), tell her_ "You and I both know you are lying. I have the proof. So you can either be honest with me or I will take appropriate measures to separate from you."_

Don't give up any of you rinformation ok???

And follow through with your boundary.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Your wife is cheating, and you need to confront immediately.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Ahh the 'ole gym routine, lol. That's how my wife's A started. Read my story in my signature below. 

That seems to be a low number of texts for a PA. My guess would be knee deep in a EA though. Not saying one is better than the other but I wished I would have caught my wife at only 350 texts a month. It was up to 4000-6000 texts a month by the time I had discovered the truth.

Goodluck man. Read here and educate thy self. It is time for a big 'ole reality slap for your wife, and you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ 350 is low? In one week I get about 20 texts altogether.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

True. I am no expert texting scientist. Just basing/comparing off of my own experience.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What you can do---and you have plenty of evidence to back your play---is to go the gym, find the manager, or whoever runs the place, and with the manager confront the guy, who is inappropriately texting your wife---things like The I can't stand to see you with your H---are way out of line---that guy represents that gym------tell the manager and the scum trying to break up your mge---that if he even attempts to make one more contact you will file suits agst both the gym. corp., and the guy trying to steal your wife----you can tell them you will file the suits based on intentional infliction of emotional distress----that by itself should be enuff to shut the guy down, if he wants to keep his job----also tell the gym manager if it doesn't stop---you will tell everyone you know, that the gym instructors try to wreck mgs. etc----the gym doesn't want that kind of negative publicity----also get your family the h*ll out of that gym---whether your wife likes it or not


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

Cypress - thanks for the advice... Manning up is not an issue here. I'm far from a shrinking Violet! I had to make sure there was more than a flirtation going on and the phone bill proved it. 

The reason I'm here is to see what I would expect from the confrontation that is going to happen. Forearmed is forewarned and all that!


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

40,

There are 2 possibilities:


She is contrite, remorseful and she tells you everything. She says she wants to save the marriage.
She will only admit to what you can prove while being angry that you are snooping into her private matters. She says she wants a divorce, blaming you for everything.

You need to have a plan for both possibilities. Have books for her to read, and a nice dinner planned if she is contrite. Have a place for her to go to stay if she is not. Tell her about a separation agreement she will not like. Tell her about the pain her children will be in when she leaves. You need to stay in the house with the kids, no matter what happens. 

*Remember waywards lie like rugs, so observe her actions instead.*


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks Cypress - you r right. BTW, I have no intention of telling her about my snooping. Sure its a great way to double check if anything is still going on after I confront her.

In fact I plan to say very little of what I know and see what she says. She knows I have friends who have cheated and 1 or 2 who have wives that have cheated - I know the games they play. Knowing I noticed she's hiding her phone and seeing texts pop up on the screen from time to time should do enough to rattle her cage.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

You may feel reluctant to pull the plug on the marriage, if you have any doubts there is an affair. Or if you think there is a good chance of recovery you will need to snoop more. Do not confront he OM. WW and OM will circle the wagons and fight together to defend the affair.

You may want to find out if the OM has actually separated from his wife. If she has or not, she may have some additional information about the affair. 

If WW denies the affair (the odds are high on this), you will need to gather more information. Some phone companies make texts available on the web. If not, you will need to put software on her phone to get copies of the texts. 

It may be worthwhile putting a Voice Activated recorder in her car. You will be able to hear any phone calls she makes. A GPS tracker is helpful too. You can see where she is all the time. Another idea is to keep a log of when she is out, and the odometer readings, to see if she is lying about her trips.

Or.... If you know that she is completely out of love with you, disrespecting you, and spitting venom. Just kick her to the curb. Waiting for the affair to die a natural death, or WW to see the light, will suck your soul dry. Take the lessons you learned with this marriage and apply them to the lucky woman who gets you next.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want to keep this on the down low, then stop going to the gym, steal her cell and set the instructor up. 

I would think if the OM values his job, you could appraoch him and as long as the conversation doesn't get back to your wife You #1 won't tell his boss and #2 won't kill him. 

Face it, once the instructor understands you have nothing left to lose if your wife finds out that the two of you had a talk then why not beat the crap out of him. 

Tell the instructor you know about the texting and quote the text, let him no you realy have nothing to live for and you will take it out on him. let him know there is a easy way out and that is to break up with your wife stop all contact with her and if she ever found out about the little talk the two of you had then your life is over and so will his.

Inform him if for any reason your wife finds out about the discussion from anyone else then he should hide, and you will for sure tell his boss if he talks.

It may or may not work...if it does your wifes a liitle depressed and live goes on, if it doesn't then your wife finds out, she pissed and then the battle starts.

You have a 50/50 chance...Face it what better way to confront your wife by having the OM tell her you threatened him. Then it will be your wife's call...she continue... he dies you go to jail, a lose lose for her.

Start circling gun ad in the paper, and by a gun mag. make sure your W sees them. Hell ,take her shooting. 

You sound smart and you do have your kids to live for but sometime the perception alone is strong enough to sway people. Fear is a terrible thing to waste. Use it for you advandage.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

nice job the guy. i think the politically correct posters here are going to have a problem with you advice though. i actually love the idea. affair persons should be made to piss their pants once in a while.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

40Man said:


> Thanks for the quick replies guys.
> 
> Looking through this and other sites etc I know I can't approach her all guns blazing. I've known about this for long enough and can't stick my head in the sand anymore. I also don't want to ask or know what exactly is going on because 1) It makes no difference to the simple fact she cheated and 2) she will probably lie about it anyway.
> 
> With regards to his separation, I can pinpoint the exact day she hooked up with this guy. She was in a local nightclub with some girlfriends and the texts started after that night. It was her first time in a nightclubs in years! I heard about his marriage issues prior to that night so I don't feel it's "cause and effect" here. However, it can't help either


GNO's (girls night out) are always about men. women can say they like just like "dancing with their girls" all they want but if men were not at the club, your wife and her friends would have no desire to be there.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> IMO you have plenty of evidence to point to an EA (emotional affair), chances are good that it has progressed to a PA (physical affair).
> 
> How much you want to "really" know is up to you, you likely get won't to the real truth by asking her, she will only admit to what solid proof you have in most cases. Thus you can either continue to spy through VAR's (voice activated recorders), keyloggers, GPS tracking and continually monitoring the phone (or by breaking your schedule habits and pop on home at weird times or flat following her) OR you can confront her now.
> 
> ...


I see this advice all the time. It is the standard advice. But it does not address the most important thing...the wife's interest and attraction. Your not going to win your wife back by giving ultimatiums and going to counseling and checking all your emails and texts. Yes it will show your wife is serious about staying the marrige... for now. But it doesnt tackle the issue that started it... the fact that she wanted another man more then she wanted you. Your goal should not be make her submit and face consequences just to keep the marriage going... your goal should be to be the man she wants. You have to up your worth and your sex rank. Women are driven by hypergamy and it doesnt stop just because they are married. For whatever reason your wife views this guy as "higher" then you or she views herself as "higher" then you. Your first step should be to not accept this behavior... and you do that by LEAVING! 1 strike is all you need... a man that values himself never gives a women a second chance because he knows that he has options. You up your sex rank by improving your self physically and dressing better. and your show your worth by upping your social standing and by being a guy that women want. Imagine you cheated on your wife. You stopped wanting your wife and started pursueing another woman. your wife caught you, started making you go to counseling and started checking you emails. Would that make you want her? would that bring back the spark? Would you be kissing her in bed and saying "i love the way you check my emails baby"? NO! but if she left you, stopped contacting you, got in shape, and starting painting the town red and looking sexy, and dating desirable men... you would regret cheating on her and you would want her back. I guarantee you would be in love with her again and she would be the only woman on your mind.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

justsam,
Thanks
Just another perspective that 40man can look at. Bottom line is its his call and he's living it. sometimes folk just think they don't have any options. But thanks to this site they do and the different advice, perspectives, and peoples experience, can give 40man the best out come when he wieghs it all out and looks for the best move to play in his sitch

Good luck 40man on what ever play you make....take it from someones whos been there...you will need it.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

i'd totally kick his ass in front of wife to let her know what a ***** he really is. that'll show them.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey.. 
The OM is not the issue. Kicking his ass and lets be blunt here. we are talking about a Gym instructor.. Is not not going to solve a thing.

Your wife decided to do this. Your problem right now is that she sees him as the attractive one and you as the doormat. 
She may not want to leave you. I tend to think this might be a PA by the low number of texts. EA are all about "i love you snooky.... pootles I love you too"

HOPEFULLY it is an early stage EA and the fact that your wife is still feeling like she has to be extra affectionate is a very good sign.
She will almost certainly lie to you. You need to be calm and let her talk herself into a corner.
Do not reveal your sources.

LISTEN to what she is saying if she opens up. 

She must go No Contact with the guy. She must WANT to do this.

You can't change her. She has to want it.
Good luck!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ 350 is low? In one week I get about 20 texts altogether.


Jelly! Your not having and affair.. 
1. love you pootles
2. love you snooky
3. more than..
4. life!
*
*
2890 pootles.. [advice]
2891 snooky.. [sigh]
*
*
8906 Evil Husband
8907 You understand me..pootles

and so on..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats my point , you can't change her but you can influence the other influences that are influencing his W.

I know some affairs are due to a problematic marriage, you can say an affair is a by product of an unhealthy marriage.

But the thing is 40man is trying to keep in on the down low. Right now it just might be texting (not too much of an EA), IDK but I would confront OM first.

If the W finds out well all bets are off and its on. Who knows maybe it will show her he is will to fight for the women he loves. I'm just guessing.

You can't control your spouse, but you sure as hell can make an affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible, by taking the steps I suggested.

Or it will cause more of a problem. 40man seems smart and knows the deal if she finds out this way. I'm just saying its an option.

Bottom line I think everone would aggree on is cancel the club membership.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition, my post was not so much about kicking someones butt, but the allusion that one has nothing to lose....the perseption that a protential affair partner might not want to pick that MILF, due to the dangers involved, ie. job lose and bodly harm by mad crazed spouse.

I also believe there is a degree in which a "set up' would work. It would have to be new/fresh, were an attachment has not been set and the prize is not worth the fight.

I wouldn't recommend going down this kind of road if it was a long time affair say with a coworker and emotions have been established.

I'm just saying if the protential is there it may be worth 40man's while to scare off this vampire.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

the guy said:


> Thats my point , you can't change her but you can influence the other influences that are influencing his W.
> 
> I know some affairs are due to a problematic marriage, you can say an affair is a by product of an unhealthy marriage.
> 
> ...


I am reasonably hopeful it is an early EA. 
Agree it should be made really uncomfortable after talking to his wife...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

the guy said:


> In addition, my post was not so much about kicking someones butt, but the allusion that one has nothing to lose....the perseption that a protential affair partner might not want to pick that MILF, due to the dangers involved, ie. job lose and bodly harm by mad crazed spouse.
> 
> I also believe there is a degree in which a "set up' would work. It would have to be new/fresh, were an attachment has not been set and the prize is not worth the fight.
> 
> ...


Got it now


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## changedone (Jul 12, 2011)

would it bother you to be humble and ask the gym guy I know it maty possibly anger you , but if you could do so and with a word of concern , not a threat but caution . 

then leave it be chances are he will mention it to your wife , and possibly that will either make her come clean , leave you cleaner.. 

'I had a similar situation with a co-worker of my ex , I called the job asked to speak to him and spoke nonchalantly, asking how he was doing and all, then I dropped the bomb, I asked him was he seeing my ex , and he stuttered ( out of shock) I told him calmly that he should be man and answer me truthfully, I let him know that I loved her and would not stand her being hurt and if he thinks what he is doing will not hurt her then he doesn't really care for her. I know a lot of you would be like that's not a good approach but believe it or not she confronted me about it and he wanted nothing more to do with her. it turned out that I was giving her the attention that he was . ( compliments , e.t.c ) and we men often lose site of those emotions women go through . 

however if you really Love your wife and you are willing to over look the EA then you may have a chance .. my ex wondered why I didn't leave her after the fact. I told her because no one would love her like I do . and if she don't see it now she would never see it .. by the way she is my ex because something I did wrong and I felt she deserved better .


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is not a good time for pleasantries, It would be in his best interest to be calm..almost scary. Anger and threats would be typical.

I'm thinking more of a " I know your texting my wife, I don't know what she's told you, but I have read what you have told her, and if she were to be with someone one else i would have lost everthing and would have nothing to live for"

"I want you to stop contacting her and if you or any one else tells her about this discussion we will all have a problem" " and if she contact you let her know in so many terms that you have to stop talking to her as long as I'm not mentioned you will be fine."

Let OM know that you do not want to go back to prison again but if you lose your wife then whats it matter.

I would also add as long as the two of you have an understanding there would bo no need to talk to his boss or the police about his activities. Then walk away.

The OM will tell 40man's wife and he will tell her not to tell 40man, but she will any way and then its all on. If she finds out she will be pissed and by then what does it matter anyway, she will of course tell 40man that there just friends.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm sorry but a few of you are going off topic and your'e not really helping this man at all. As for you, I get the impression that youre the type of guy that is straight forward, no books no contracts, you have to go with your instincts and the proof you already have.

You need to sit her down and show her and tell her what you have, and depending on how she reacts she may tell you the truth, she may tell you half truths, or she may deny it althogether. She might get mad at you, she might be said for what she did, she may try to throw it in your face. You don't know until you do how these things will play out. Also brace yourself, to hear a lot of things you may or may not what to hear. 

These things are tricky to deal with to say the least... especially when your emotions are involved. And If you find yourself getting more upset and trust me you will. You should ask her to leave for a few days, maybe a few weeks, maybe longer. But never leave your own home. 

The main reason why I say she should probably leave even if it's temporary is because a lot of times when people cheat they think that things will go back to normal and they think they can have there cake and eat it. But again this is all speculation. 

But you should confront her first and see what happens from there. You shouldn't hold this in for too long it is not healthy for anyone and if you can talk to her with out the kids being present would be ideal, or at least wait until theyre asleep. 

Somtimes confrontations can get ugly. Be optimistic but realistic be prepared to either keep her or loose her once you confront her. Good luck to you and I hope you make the right choice for you.


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks all. There's some good advice in there - but I can tell you I won't be going after this guy (well, not yet anyway!). He's only part of the problem and its my wife/marriage that's has to be put right - if that's even possible now! Whammy is right - this EA is a result of the underlining problem that I now know exists in our marriage. I need to know what that is and sort it out. 

What experiences have you had when you confronted your cheating partner?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

40Man said:


> Thanks all. There's some good advice in there - but I can tell you I won't be going after this guy (well, not yet anyway!). He's only part of the problem and its my wife/marriage that's has to be put right - if that's even possible now! Whammy is right - this EA is a result of the underlining problem that I now know exists in our marriage. I need to know what that is and sort it out.
> 
> What experiences have you had when you confronted your cheating partner?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are deluding yourself if you believe that the OM is not a threat that is contributing to the dissolution of your marriage.

Even if your wife doesn't want to f*ck him, she is certainly getting a high from having another man stroking her ego. She is human after all, isn't she?

Many married women often fall into the trap that they are emotionally attractive to other men when they are simply nothing more than f*ck toys for the OM. I know this for a fact because I've distanced myself from other men who I once considered friends, but yet often incited me to cheat on the women I loved. I am sometimes ashamed of my sex.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

From post #1:



> Am I fooling myself here? I don't want to leave her and don't want her to leave me. I know I have it in me to forgive her (even if I'll end up watching her like a hawk for a while!). Has anyone got any good practical advice on how to approach her and not undo 14 years of marriage?



*In order to DO WHAT, precisely*? What is it you're looking to accomplish, have her do, have happen, etc? What do the success criteria look like?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Google read deleted texts iphone and look for the method using textpad. You see a lot of garbage when it views the backup file. Look at the backup file before the phone is synced again and print what you find. Sync the phone(it overwrites the last back up so never sync twice or until you looked at the backup file) and look again. Be sure to print the info. It's a pain in the but but you can cut and paste only the pertinent info to a word file. Also print copies of the phone bills listing all calls and texts. DO NOT show her the info or she will try to shut down that channel of info. Also buy a voice activated recorder and put in under seat in the car - she probably talks to him there. Decent one is about $70. Definitely confront her when you have some hard evidence but only use the general nature of what she and he said and don't tell her how you got it. Also add a keylogger to any computers in the home. Once you do confront, make her change her cell phone number immediately, change her emails, etc. Get on it now!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

RWB said:


> OM run away for momma, just like a thief caught in the act.


Indeed.The OM are nothing but p**sies. They haven't the b*lls to find and win the heart of an unattached woman. They are nothing more than bottom feeders who prey upon vulnerable married women. Not that the married women themselves are innocent but since the OM are the sexual aggressors, many women would not have fallen into an affair if the OM simply did not paid any attention to them.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

> You are deluding yourself if you believe that the OM is not a threat that is contributing to the dissolution of your marriage.[/Qthis is what i'm talking about. he told your wife that he hates seeing her with you. how is that NOT detrimental to your marriage. he's actuvely persuing her. yeah... you have underlying problems, but this guy isn't helping either, he's taking advantage of your marital problems.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She should stop going to the gym. That should be one of your boundaries/dealbreakers.

And yes, OM is a threat to your marriage. You are crazy if you do not think so.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She should stop going to the gym. That should be one of your boundaries/dealbreakers.
> 
> And yes, OM is a threat to your marriage. You are crazy if you do not think so.


The longer you wait, the stronger the affair will become. Confront. Expose. Act now. You are talking like a doormat.

I have confronted guys who were hitting on my wife, and she seemed to actually be turned on by it. Women love testosterone, show her what you are made of..

If he knows that your wife is married then he is a predator. He is using his position as a launch pad for praying on married women. You need to talk to his boss.

You know what is going on, stop being a doormat. Stand up and be a man about it, show your wife what you are made of. Show her who the real man is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

40Man said:


> Thanks all. There's some good advice in there - but I can tell you I won't be going after this guy (well, not yet anyway!). He's only part of the problem and its my wife/marriage that's has to be put right - if that's even possible now! Whammy is right - this EA is a result of the underlining problem that I now know exists in our marriage. I need to know what that is and sort it out.
> 
> What experiences have you had when you confronted your cheating partner?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Step away for the keyboard. Stop F'ing around. Go tell your wife her relationship with this OM is unacceptable. She must go NC with this guy immediately. Period. Stop posting. No more going to the gym with him. If she is meeting men at nightclubs that stops too. You have to be a man before you can fix any other problems. You cannot fix problems in your marriage when your wife is in an affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My experience;
Well I was calm.chillingly cold and calm.

No words showed her the text messege and asked her if she loved him.

She said "no"

I walked away

I came back afew minutes later and asked her what she wanted to do and she went off on how it was my fault.

I started packing her things and told her "then leave, if I'm such a bad guy"

She stopped yelling said she was sorry and that she made the choice to cheat, and would do what ever it takes to work this out

I put her suit case down, and talked

{me} when did it start? [her] 13 years ago
[me] how they meet? [her] this one?
[me] how many were ther [her] its been getting worse
[me] what do you mean? [her] alot of ONS this past 3 years, it will take time to count them.

I walked out, left ,went to the job and cleaned up (stayed busy), I ignored her phone calls... all 16-20 calls in that 8 hour period. went to a bar at the end of the day, I finely called her and she met me at the bar. She drove me home and I wanted to know everything or else...well lets say I just listened for a few hours not comments not judgement, just was amazed at her "other life story"

After I got the sum of the whys, were, and hows, I told her right here and now things are going to be different, passwords, boundries, NC, and no more GNO to start with.

She found a counselor with in a week and we've been working it out for the last 18 month.

She layed it all out, my only response was it will take time to deside if I want you or not.

My point here is confidence, strength and focus. do not begg for your marriage, if any one should be doing the begging is the criminal that cheated...begging for forgiveness.

So do not empower her by crying (thats why I walked away and then left). Keep the power and stay calm , the confidence is you are not affraid to let her go and the strenght comes from having it set in your mind that you can move one with out her and any thing she says menas nothing right now and do not make any split second dicisions.

I think the thought of keeping her quessing was the big thing for me. not giving her the "I love you" or the "I'll do anything" ....the walk away was the smart play in my opinion.

Talking with her later she wasn't sure what was going to happen. So I think letting her think about....well letting us both think about what we were going to do the next time we talked. 

I don't know hot to paste my thread but back in Aug.2010 "the guy with the cheating wife" is were my story is

I was new and ended up typing it out on words and attaching it to the thread.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

E-
I'v been through the Sh8t, and come out the other end OK.
no more Mr. nice the-guy, straighten my self out and have healthier behaviors/ boundries.

I can't say it enough " no matter how weak you feel be confident that you will succeed with or with out them.. no begging"

This is the only way to confront infidelity

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

I confronted her... Calm, no raised voice, no emotion - cold and knowing. She denied it of course - so told her I knew see was lying as I saw a text or two from him and walked out of the room. She followed and eventually, bit by bit, she told me about the relationship. She enjoyed the attention - got a high on it - carried away on it. She insisted that he was only a friend. But ultimately she kept tripping herself up.

She said there was no physical contact - but I don't really believe her. Let's face it, the human trait of self preservation kicks in - so I know I can only believe a portion of what is said to me! I asked to see her phone account and straight away she turned to the computer to login! Have to say, I was surprised she was so willing to show me the account! 

A lot of other crap was discussed but I always brought it back around to the affair. I never lost my cool, showing very little emotion but at the same time making sure she knew I knew more than I was telling her (but not revealing my sources). 

The recession and some financial issues left her in a bad mental state - her words! F**k that! I have to live with the exact same, if not more of a burden on my shoulders - especially as the only household income provider and a business owner with many other bills to pay. Told her she should have spoken to me rather than bottle it up!

Told her there was no way I'll ever set foot in that gym again, no way my kids will go to their again and that it is up to her as to what she feels she needs to do about her membership there. (I wanted to see if she would stop it by her own accord). The following morning she was looking for a new gym and pool for herself and the kids. 

She texted the OG that morning in front of me (without me asking) to say she would not be in touch with him again. I let her know that that gesture means nothing - the minute I walk out the door you could call him and talk for hours! Her actions will let me know if she really has dropped this guy.

In the end, she's seriously rattled and upset. She says she'll do anything to make sure our marriage works - sorry and all that! 

So, my eyes are wide open now. Lets see what the following days and weeks bring!

Thanks for the advice. 40Man


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

40Man said:


> The following morning she was looking for a new gym and pool for herself and the kids.


Seriously? She lost this privilege when she did what she did. That's right, to be extended the freedom and trust to go on her own around a bunch of men is a privilege, not a right, that has been abused. Along with your trust.

My wife tried the same thing soon after. I told her to go ahead. I would have the divorce papers waiting when she got back from her workout. 

There are all kinds of roads around the house that she can run on, plenty of yard space to do workouts in.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

congrats, as it sounds like you handled it properly

the good news-

she was willing to open up her accounts/phone history right away, I was lucky my wife was willing to do this immediately as well and we are still together now after almost 2 years past Dday. A quick perusal through other threads here and you'll see many people aren't so lucky as their spouses continue to try to hide an ongoing affair. The immediate transparency and desire to switch gyms right away is a VERY GOOD sign that you can get past this if you so choose. 

The bad news- even if you can get past this you still have a hard road ahead of you, be sure to follow the advice given here as far as the NC agreement and making sure you she tells you everything (trickle truth is a *****), etc


I wish you well and good luck, keep us updated


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Twistedheart said:


> Seriously? She lost this privilege when she did what she did. That's right, to be extended the freedom and trust to go on her own around a bunch of men is a privilege, not a right, that has been abused. Along with your trust.
> 
> My wife tried the same thing soon after. I told her to go ahead. I would have the divorce papers waiting when she got back from her workout.
> 
> There are all kinds of roads around the house that she can run on, plenty of yard space to do workouts in.


I see no problem with her choosing another where the OM isn't. You're assuming his a wife is a serial cheater who preys on gym instructors when it clearly isn't the case. The problem is the particular OM/Gym instructor not the fact she uses a gym (and uses it for the kids to go to swimming too). Now if she were to get a personal trainer I would get worrisome if it was a man and may let her know that it no longer fits into what you consider a proper boundary considering her behavior.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Well done sir. Best of luck. I am hoping this was an EA only at this time. Very possible. If so after she goes through withdrawal it is very possible with work on the marriage for it to be as strong as ever. I speak from experience form having been in an EA myself. She will have some weak moments and feel the need to contact him behind your back. He may also pursure her. Stay strong, but be vigilant. She is an a fog right now. maybe she is not too far gone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I should amend my statement by adding if using *any* gym is a trigger for 40man, then by all means let her know it doesn't make you feel safe/secure. But I don't think by what he is telling us it is a gym that is the problem for him, it's the gym instructor.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I see no problem with her choosing another where the OM isn't. You're assuming his a wife is a serial cheater who preys on gym instructors when it clearly isn't the case. The problem is the particular OM/Gym instructor not the fact she uses a gym (and uses it for the kids to go to swimming too). Now if she were to get a personal trainer I would get worrisome if it was a man and may let her know that it no longer fits into what you consider a proper boundary considering her behavior.


Right. It is likely these two individuals who were at a critical point in their lives. No reason to think she is just out after anyone.

In fact the GYM can help her get through the withdrawal. I would be careful that this guy does not work at more than one GYM or changes GYMs.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

True not every case is the same. Mine was so hard core that is just a deal breaker right now. And it has been 14 month since Dday.


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

Thank you for your well wishes - much appreciated.

I think I have to tread a careful journey over the next few weeks myself. I know I can't *overly* restrict her movements and lay down *to many* do's and don'ts. If I did, it may push her further away from me - and that is not what I want. However, she does need to know (and now knows) how hurtful her actions have been and that continuing down the same path, with the same influences, would not work for me our the marriage.

She seems genuinely remorseful - only time will tell me if this is true.

Thanks.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Question Please?

So you are not sure if she had physical with him?
what if she Did and she lied to you? what is your reaction then?
lets say you did forgive her now and after a year or two you found out that she really did physical what would you do?

I believe you should make her to take poly exam to make sure, unless physical wont make an difference to you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

40Man said:


> Thank you for your well wishes - much appreciated.
> 
> I think I have to tread a careful journey over the next few weeks myself. I know I can't *overly* restrict her movements and lay down *to many* do's and don'ts. If I did, it may push her further away from me - and that is not what I want. However, she does need to know (and now knows) how hurtful her actions have been and that continuing down the same path, with the same influences, would not work for me our the marriage.
> 
> ...


If the OM starts to pursue her, I would suggest that you notify the GYM that your family had to leave because of this.

The key of course is your wife, but if they are both trying to contact each other it makes it very difficult.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great job 40man!!!! I'm so happy for you that she showed remorse and opened up. You handled it perfectly. Now have her change her change her phone number and get it blocked when she does. If she blocks it, when she calls someone it won't pop up in the caller id. If she texts, it will still show her number. Make sure you have his number and watch the records. As long as she doesn't text him, he won't be able to reach her that way. Does she have an iphone? Side note - go the beyondaffairs.com website. CLick on the seminars tab then look for the word teleseminars near the upper right and click on it. There is some real good advice and perspective on how to deal with your wiffe and your own healing. If you sign up, you will get notices about free future teleseminars. There are also BAN group meetings in most major cities and contacts on the website.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SOrry- but Iwould slam the door on the Gym OM. Tell the management and tell his wife if he has one. His rpedatory behaviour does not warrant him getting off scott free. ANd your wife doesn't need to know. DO it after she changes her phone number. If it comes back you know she is still in contact.


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## 40Man (Jul 15, 2011)

Tourchwood said:


> Question Please?
> 
> So you are not sure if she had physical with him?
> what if she Did and she lied to you? what is your reaction then?
> ...


Tourchwood - I know this may sound crazy but it simply doesn't make much of a difference at the moment! Physical or emotional - this whole experience is all too fresh at the moment for me to really differentiate between them. Both disgust me equally. 

And... I'm assuming there *was* a physical relationship of some type so if she ever confirms it I simply won't be surprised. Annoyed yes - but not surprised! I'm dealing with this as if it did happen - regardless of what see says.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Next step, consequences.

I agree there is a fine line between pushing to hard and not pushing enough.
My next step was to discuss the things that I need to heal...the things that I need to keep moving forward with my wife.

Fo me there were "must have" and there were somethings I could slide on, but the important thing is the "talk".

Now that confrontation is done (well job I might add) you have to talk about the new boundries and the things that will help you heal. Very important.

She will most likely not want to talk about the ugly and evil things she did, but the both of you must address this and learn from it.

She will want to know why you want this info, so tell her it is part of the healing procees and let her know you will not hold it against her.

Fow me I would ask a question in the morning and let her know that in the evening I would want an answer..just one question aday...getting her comfortable talking about it was the thing, so no anger no judgement no heavy interigation.

Some time a slow and long drawn out interigation is better, it will not over whelm her and feel like she's being attacked.

Like I said for us it seemed to help when I warned her a head of time on the thing I wanted to know, giving her the day to think about it and the reply that she needed to give me in order to heal.

Good luck and don't let her push this under the carpet, it is one of the consequences for her and a healing procees for you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the guy said:


> She will most likely not want to talk about the ugly and evil things she did, but the both of you must address this and learn from it.
> 
> She will want to know why you want this info, so tell her it is part of the healing procees and let her know you will not hold it against her.


:iagree:

I think is VERY IMPORTANT

Although my wife was very willing to do as needed from the get go after discovery, she was reluctant to give details of sexual acts that they did and where they occurred, etc. She didn't wish to hurt me she said, and yes I believe that was a part of that but I know she was also filled with shame and it hurt her to discuss it.

I basically let her know that she couldn't get into any more trouble with me unless she continued to withhold info or continue the affair. I also let her know that if we were to get anywhere in our marriage that we needed to be completely honest with another, even if that means we could hurt the other person. But we also needed to understand that having a feeling or opinion on something that didn't agree with the other wasn't necessarily going to hurt the other person if it was presented in a calm and straight forward manner. As a result we communicate MUCH better now and I have a great understanding of her needs as she does mine. Life is too short to hold back on what you want, sure we don't always get what we ask for, but you likely won't get it if you don't ask.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

40Man said:


> Tourchwood - I know this may sound crazy but it simply doesn't make much of a difference at the moment! Physical or emotional - this whole experience is all too fresh at the moment for me to really differentiate between them. Both disgust me equally.
> 
> And... I'm assuming there *was* a physical relationship of some type so if she ever confirms it I simply won't be surprised. Annoyed yes - but not surprised! I'm dealing with this as if it did happen - regardless of what see says.


Wow. You are one strong dude. Seriously.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

seriously it's refreshing to see someone actually heed our advice, utilize it and see it work!

 :smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As far as the sex details, I would have to say I've seen enough porno to know what went on between my cheating wife and her boytoys.
The thing is repairing the marriage and setting healthy boundries that will prevent the spouse from stepping out again. Learning what the problems were that caused your spouse to find another man.

Those are the important details, yes it was good for me to hear about other details to kind of get a big picture of what her second life was all about, but in my case it happened for a very long time and there were pieces of her life I wanted to understand.

Again the main thing is cracking this infidelity issue wide open and airing it all out. No matter how dificult it is for her talk about, it has to be done.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Honestly, I recommend against gory details on the sex. It only creates triggers and flashbacks and more things to deal with. I needed to knwo only general details - where, when, how often.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Honestly, I recommend against gory details on the sex. It only creates triggers and flashbacks and more things to deal with. I needed to knwo only general details - where, when, how often.



everyone is different, in my case it was actually made feel better because he requested some rather unusual acts that she wasn't willing to do (like wear a strap on and...uh...you know...)


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd waht if you found she wanted that?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> ANd waht if you found she wanted that?



Then I would know that my wife is freakier than I ever thought and make a determination from there as to how to deal with it. Information is key to understanding.


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