# Marriage is great, other than the sex issues



## NoHappyEnding (Aug 20, 2013)

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just a place to vent.

Married 14 years (together for 17, man time flies!), 2 kids (1 pre-teen, 1 early teen).

My wife and I get along very well. I think we are a great match, although I guess we don't have that many interests in common.

I love her very much. She is an amazing person and everyone that knows us loves her. I care about how she feels and I try my best to be a great husband. She tells me all of the time that she loves me very much and couldn't have asked for a better guy.

She was my first, I wasn't hers.

When we have sex, it's usually very good.

She has a very high sex drive (she would like it daily to multiple times a day, she's been like this since we met). the older the kids get, the fewer opportunities.

I have a fairly high sex drive as well.

She is now morbidly obese. I am fit and in shape.

I have a strong aversion to fatness (is that a word?), and have little to no sexual attraction to my wife. I can't look at her naked. 

****

She was a cheerleader when we met. Exercised regularly and was in great shape ~125-130 lbs at 5'2". I was also in great shape. ~180 at 5'10"

After 2 years together she got pregnant and gained a fair bit of weight (~30lbs?). I thought it was just the pregnancy and natural. I was young and uninformed.

After baby #1, I was shocked at how much weight she still had on her. I wasn't about to complain or tell her, she had just had a baby. I really pushed breastfeeding since I had heard that it helps new mothers loose weight. It didn't really help.

Weight stayed about the same until pregnancy #2. With that, a lot more weight (now pushing 200 lbs).

After that, the weight continued to add on. Probably only 5 to 10 lbs per year, but after 10 years together, she was probably up to 280 lbs or something like that. Purely from bad diet and no exercise. 

The frequency of sex continued to decline as her weight increased. About 8 years go or so, it came out indirectly that the lack of sex was due to her weight gain and my lack of attraction to that. Over the years, we went as far as a couple of months without sex. 

Currently sitting at around once a week.

Over the years she has had her levels checked. Doctor has advised her that she should loose weight. Tried several diets and personal trainers. At most 30 lbs lost at one time.

She's currently sitting around 250 lbs. I'm at 190, but with more muscle than when we met (body weight exercises & free weights).

Since she has a high sex drive, she is always trying to get me to have sex with her, but I can't really get up enough interest more than once or twice a week.

Continually getting turned down makes her feel horrible. Then if she goes more than a week or two without sex, she gets difficult to be around (moody).

This is really our only issue. I long to be physically attracted to her again. I think about sex (with attractive women) all of the time. I want to think about sex with her instead, but I have to picture her as she was to get aroused. 

I limit masturbation to once or twice a week, so that it's not an excuse (to myself) for not having sex with her. Otherwise I would probably do it every day. 

***

Going forward, I want her to be the only woman in my life, but I need attraction and passion. If nothing changes for her, I can't imagine sticking around once the kids are out the house. For now I can't imagine not being with my children everyday, so I make it work.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you just straight out told her this? Just been open and honest with her?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How much does her mom weigh?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

By not telling her how you truly feel, you have been dishonest to her. She needs to know the truth. She is going to be hurt, but that doesn't matter, she will get over it, because the truth is necessary. 

You need to take responsibility here too, though. If you had been more truthful after the original weight gain, you might not be where you are now.

Without radical honesty (which just needs to be radical, not brutal) you will not be able to correct this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FW is right. The truth stings, but then we get over our hurt feelings and can see what we need to do. 

If we don't know the truth, how can we act?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that you really need to be straight with her, lovingly of course. Tell her what you told us, that you are only interested in her, and also that you don't expect her to be perfect. Just reasonably healthy and fit. She probably knows it's an issue but may not realize how much. When you do bring it up make sure you ask what you can do to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, tell her. She might already had have a feeling that is why you are turning her down for sex. I know I would. Help her loose weight by offering to take walks with her or help plan healthy meals. That would be so mean of you to just up and leave her when the kids are out of the house because of her weight but you never told her years before so she could have done something about it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Spouses have an obligation to each other to take care of themselves for a variety of issues including health, sexual attraction and to have energy to do things together. What you may want to do is have a heart to heart but emphasize the fact that you love her and want to grow old together. You two can't do that if she's morbidly obese. Stress the idea of wanting to share experiences together like spending time with grand kids.

While truth is the best course of action, you don't have to be cruel with it. IMHO, a man can take constructive criticism about weight better than a woman can. No offense intended, it's just the way we are wired.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Spouses have an obligation to each other to take care of themselves for a variety of issues including health, sexual attraction and to have energy to do things together. What you may want to do is have a heart to heart but emphasize the fact that you love her and want to grow old together. You two can't do that if she's morbidly obese. Stress the idea of wanting to share experiences together like spending time with grand kids.
> 
> While truth is the best course of action, you don't have to be cruel with it. IMHO, a man can take constructive criticism about weight better than a woman can. No offense intended, it's just the way we are wired.



No offense taken here, that's absolutely true. But it has nothing to so with wiring..... It's because women are taught that a whole lot of their value comes from their appearance, while men are taught that their job/income is a whole lot of their value. Women are more sensitive about appearance, men are more sensitive about job issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I disagree with the posters. I think it is nasty to turn her down constantly noting that you don't like her because of her weight. You're fat and unattractive but please don't take it personally. By doing so, I think you have diminished her self-esteem, screwed with her mind, and lessened the mental strength needed for a good diet. No one goes on a diet to please their spouse. 

Common on, just as a wife can spent 5-10 minutes with her husband and throw in a couple of oohs and aahs you can do the same. Spend some time, tell her how much you love her. If you have to mention weight, do NOT mention it in the context of sex, but regarding health etc. First get her to feel good as a person about herself and then she may be able to diet.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think you have too come out and tell her....or better yet, have her read this thread. The truth is the truth. It might shock her, but she still needs to know. Then, if SHE wants and decides to change...do everything you can, together, so both of you become as healthy as you can be. Be each other's motivation to get to a healthier place. 

You owe it to yourselves and your children to be healthy parents. Just my opinion. Good luck to you both.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> I disagree with the posters. I think it is nasty to turn her down constantly noting that you don't like her because of her weight.  You're fat and unattractive but please don't take it personally. By doing so, I think you have diminished her self-esteem, screwed with her mind, and lessened the mental strength needed for a good diet. No one goes on a diet to please their spouse.


He's not attracted to her. It's not a right or wrong issue. He is attracted to what he's attracted to. She went from 130 to 250 lbs. He's not a bad person or a bad husband for not being attracted to a woman who weighs 250 lbs. Many men wouldn't. You're putting a lot of blame on him and it's undeserved. 



Bobby5000 said:


> Common on, just as a wife can spent 5-10 minutes with her husband and throw in a couple of oohs and aahs you can do the same. Spend some time, tell her how much you love her. If you have to mention weight, do NOT mention it in the context of sex, but regarding health etc. First get her to feel good as a person about herself and then she may be able to diet.


Sounds like he'll be doing it out of pity or obligation. Both are bad. He shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. If he's not interested in having sex with her, he shouldn't. 

He has to have a difficult and somewhat painful conversation with her. She may not want to lose the weight, but at least she'll know why the sex isn't happening that often. Losing weight is entirely on the person who wants to lose the weight. No amount of cajoling or begging or bargaining or love or affection from him will make her lose weight unless she's willing to change her fitness and eating habits.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me disagree.

Coffeeamore wrote, He's not attracted to her. It's not a right or wrong issue. He is attracted to what he's attracted to.... That's silly. People have minds and self-control. 

So Jane after a couple of kids, has the right to say, Jack, I'm not in the mood and don't expect to be in the next 6 months to a year and he should say, sounds fine, the last thing I'd want to do is put any pressure on you. "Sounds like he'll be doing it out of pity or obligation. Both are bad." Coffeamore. 

Doing things in a marriage to make the other person happy isn't bad. Take the average divorce and you'll find the following. Jane, my psychologist and friends think I need to work on self-empowerment. So I have simply told my husband I am not going to sporting events anymore, am not in the mood and am working on things I like. We saved 125,000 towards our retirement but I think I'd like a new kitchen so have made arrangements to order one for 90,000. Jack's friends say, are you happier with the 20 year old than your 48 year old wife. Then do what makes you happy. 
One should not go into a marriage without a commitment to compromise and meeting the other person's wants and needs.

Critics ignored the central point that combining sex with discussion of weight and freezing out would be unlikely to be effective. But they say do it anyway. 

The notion that she has not figured out that he feels she is unattractive in incorrect too. That is part of what is driving this and she is looking for validation of her self-worth but constantly being turned down. And he fails to look at the possible pluses, a lot of husbands would like an eager wife willing to try new things. 

She may well drop 60 pounds and lose that desire. In life, you don't get everything at the time and place you want. 

There may be a place to suggest she lose weight but with an already compromised self-esteem, it's not in the bedroom.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Let me disagree.
> 
> Coffeeamore wrote, He's not attracted to her. It's not a right or wrong issue. He is attracted to what he's attracted to.... *That's silly. People have minds and self-control.*


Ah, so it would be reasonable for you to convince yourself of sexual desire for you partner, no matter what, even if she had a sex change? You have that much self control? Good for you!

However, I think that's a ridiculous standard that only a few people could achieve. I know I'm not one of them. In fact, I'm very impressed that the OP can even manage to have sex with her a couple of times a week instead of never!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> Let me disagree.
> 
> That's silly. People have minds and self-control.


So with that logic you could also have sex with someone 90 years old or someone of his own sex or someone who never takes a bath or brushes their teeth...I mean it's all within self-control, right? What's attraction got to do with it? 

Thanks for the laugh in the morning.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> And he fails to look at the possible pluses, a lot of husbands would like an eager wife willing to try new things.


A lot of husbands don't want to have sex with a wife who weighs 250 lbs.

A lot of husbands don't want to make love to a wife who weighs more than a professional athlete.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Coffee,
Loved your post on this. 

Before we married, this is what I told my W. 

My mother and almost all her friends made an effort to stay fit before they got married. And then let themselves go physically after marriage. And they freely made judgmental comments about unmarried women who were fat. Kind of a 'well she's going to have a tough time finding a husband'. 

And I took this to mean that they believed retaining sexual attractiveness in marriage wasn't worth much effort. 

And I told M2 that I thought it was important for both of us to make an effort to stay fit for each other. 




Coffee Amore said:


> A lot of husbands don't want to have sex with a wife who weighs 250 lbs.
> 
> A lot of husbands don't want to make love to a wife who weighs more than a professional athlete.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> So with that logic you could also have sex with someone 90 years old


So are you going to dump your spouse when they approach 90?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

This is obviously a difficult situation. It would be a mistake to discount the OP's feelings same as it would be a mistake to discount his spouse's. 

I can't imagine she is not aware she is fat. She' probably craving sex to validate his love for her despite her weight gain. I don't think she'll take it well to hear he is no longer attracted to her so he needs to tread lightly with this. His announcement could go two ways. 1.) She accepts it and starts down the road to healthy weight or 2.) She is crushed and their relationship never recovers.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> So are you going to dump your spouse when they approach 90?


Yep. Into the sea with her and the darn walker. 

I think the point was of an extreme age difference, rather than the general hideousness of old people.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It depends on how much weight she's gained. 


QUOTE=MaritimeGuy;8079201]So are you going to dump your spouse when they approach 90?[/QUOTE]


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I asked the question about age because with all the threads about weight gain there is a certain parallel with age. Granted obesity is something we have some control over versus age which we have absolutely none. 

We seem to be saying it's acceptable to lose attraction to your partner because of weight gain. It's only natural and it's not like you're choosing not to be attracted you just can't help it. 

However, I think most would be offended at someone who suggested they lost attraction to their spouse because they looked too old.


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## NoHappyEnding (Aug 20, 2013)

"How much does her mom weigh?"

- She must take after her father (who she doesn't know). Her mother is around 5" taller and overweight, but not obese, and that's purely from drinking Coke all day and never exercising. She is currently the most obese member of her family.

"Have you just straight out told her this? Just been open and honest with her?"

No. It was first revealed that sex was less frequent because of her weight probably 10 years ago. It destroyed her self esteem, but I didn't want to lie about it. It didn't shock her enough to make a change though.

I've never straight out said that I will leave once the kids are gone (it's not set in stone or anything), but she has been able to put it together on her own. She even told me that she's worried that once the kids are gone I will leave her and find a beautiful thin new wife and even that is not enough motivation to make her stick with something. I told her that I want to be with her, but that yes I feel that being healthy and fit is very important in a relationship. 

***

She wants to loose weight very badly. She quit smoking 7 years ago like it was nothing. She believes that quitting to smoke is child's play compared to loosing weight.

I think she can do it, but she has to do it on her own.

We have exercise equipment, tons of fitness videos, free-weights and lots of room to work out. We already eat healthy, but you need to create a deficit to loose weight and she doesn't like counting calories. Eating healthy just allows you to maintain your weight.

Since January, she seems more motivated than before. I hope that she can do it this time, but in 3 months there has been little change. All I can do is be supportive.

My only birthday wish for the last 14 years has been for her to find the strength to gain control of her health & fitness.

***

Basically, it all boils down to this...
- She's morbidly obese and I am extremely turned off by it.
- We both want sex often, but I couldn't be more turned off and find it difficult to get in the mood to have sex with her.
- Not having sex puts her in a bad mood and causes stress in our relationship.
- I want to be sexually attracted to my partner. When she was fit, I would sometimes tear off her clothes and have her right there (late for work be damned!). Now I can't even look at her naked.
- Every other aspect of our lives is great, but obviously this is a big part of it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You're telling strangers on the internet about this, but essentially lying to your wife, your partner, mother of your children, the one to whom you made vows. You both have serious communication issues. Sure this is a conversation most of us would avoid, but as a woman I would much rather my husband tell me the truth than lie to save my feelings. It's much easier to lose 20-30 pounds than 120 pounds! You should have spoken up instead of burying your resentments. Lying to her isn't supporting her. 

If you don't like some aspect of your relationship, you should be an adult and TALK about it. I think you need to find your backbone and tell her instead of leaving her when the children are out of the home. Don't skirt the issue and don't sugar coat it. Don't make it all about her health either. Let's face it. It's a sexual attraction issue for you. Say that. You don't need to call her derogatory names either (not saying you are..), but be completely upfront. If this is too hard for you to do, you should let her read this thread although I think that's a passive aggressive action. As the men say here so often, "man up" and have the tough conversation instead of dropping hints.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You have the outline of what to say in your last post. Tone it down, then sit her down and say the following:

- You have gained a lot of weight and I am turned off by it.
- We both want sex often, but I am turned off and find it difficult to get in the mood to have sex with you.
- Not having sex puts you in a bad mood and causes stress in our relationship.
- I want to be sexually attracted to you. When you were fit, I would sometimes tear off your clothes and have you right there (late for work be damned!). Now looking at you naked gets me out of the mood.
- Every other aspect of our lives is great, but obviously this is a big part of it. 

Then go from there.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maritime,
I have a strong allergy to folks commingling things we have no control over with things we do. 

First of all his wife already knows he's less attracted to her. She might not be sure how much of it is due to weight vs. other things. She's being a bit dishonest here. Because she could easily enable candid discussion by asking him: Is the fact that I doubled my weight reducing your attraction to me? 

She wants to eat as much as she wants. Exercise as little as she wants. And have as much sexual validation as she wants. That's not how life works and anybody with a half a deck of common sense knows it. 

I think that the OP ought to have dealt with this constructively early on via lifestyle. 

Husband: let's go for a walk after dinner
Wife: let's watch tv
Husband: sure, after our walk
Wife: I'm not in the mood to walk 

After a few rounds of that, a conversation ensues. It's about engagement, and effort and lifestyle and the desire to please and be pleasing to your partner. 

Obviously there is a big gray zone on what constitutes fit, and what's a weight gain that's not a turn off. 

But I've heard this nonsense so many times that I'm out of patience with it:
- If the fit person says anything negative about their fat partner, they are causing that partner to freak out and eat even more. 
- If the fit person pushes for a mutually beneficial and healthy meal plan and exercise regimen they are being controlling. 

The basic theme is: it's their body so STFU. 

Ok - it's your body. But it's our marriage. And it's very selfish to act this way. 




MaritimeGuy said:


> I asked the question about age because with all the threads about weight gain there is a certain parallel with age. Granted obesity is something we have some control over versus age which we have absolutely none.
> 
> We seem to be saying it's acceptable to lose attraction to your partner because of weight gain. It's only natural and it's not like you're choosing not to be attracted you just can't help it.
> 
> However, I think most would be offended at someone who suggested they lost attraction to their spouse because they looked too old.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I love the tone of the message below. I would only add this:

- If you are willing to make a genuine effort to embrace a healthy lifestyle, I will support the hell out of you. 
- I will give up foods that you struggle to resist.
- I will walk/workout with you





Tall Average Guy said:


> You have the outline of what to say in your last post. Tone it down, then sit her down and say the following:
> 
> - You have gained a lot of weight and I am turned off by it.
> - We both want sex often, but I am turned off and find it difficult to get in the mood to have sex with you.
> ...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Bobby,

No offense, but your advice is really off the mark. His wife has more than DOUBLED her weight since he married her!!! Is he just supposed to use "mind over matter" and pretend that all the things he found physically attractive about her are still there?

And no, there is nothing wrong with placing a high priority on physical attractiveness. That doesn't make you shallow or heartless; a big part of sexual attraction IS how the other person LOOKS to YOU.

I'm so sick of the advice that you shouldn't tell fat partners they are fat because it might hurt their feelings. If your spouse had rotten teeth, would you still kiss them passionately and avoid telling them that their breath is horrendous because it might "hurt their feelings?"

Sheesh...


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

You said that you want to leave her once the kids are out??
So for what should your wife lose all that weight which is not so easy?
You stay because there are still kids to be looked after but then, when she's old (too old to get someone else) you leave. I think it would be only fair looking at the whole marriage.
While I really can understand that you are not attracted to a fat woman, how do you treat her? Do you treat her like a woman? Invite her to go dancing? Buy her a new dress? 
The weight gain comes usually with something which is not right in someone's live.
Maybe you try to behave different and maybe you try either to split up or to stay but stop parking to get out later.
It is usual to gain a bit of weight with the age and with the kids, but not so much.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer to this dilemma. It's personal to the OP what is tolerable to him and what is not. I see phrases like the topic line many times in this forum and to me it's like saying "my car runs great...except the left front wheel fell off."

A person won't lose weight...not and make it stick...simply because someone else asked them to. They have to want to do it for themselves. As someone else suggested there is probably a reason for her excessive weight gain. It's unlikely that it's simple laziness. 

I'm not advocating simply ignoring the fact she's obese and pretending to be attracted. That goes along the lines of faking orgasms. A persons not motivated to step up their game if they're not aware there is a problem. 

I just think you have to be very delicate with how you approach this. It may be she needs professional mental health help to understand why she has allowed herself to get to this point and thus take action to start addressing it. Simply confronting her outright with the fact you no longer find her attractive is unlikely to lead to the desired results. There's a good chance it could lead to even less activity and more eating. I would suggest leaving this approach as the very last thing you try...when it's at the stage either she lose the weight or you're out the door. Then it's a proverbial 'hail Mary pass'.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You have the outline of what to say in your last post. Tone it down, then sit her down and say the following:
> 
> - You have gained a lot of weight and I am turned off by it.
> - We both want sex often, but I am turned off and find it difficult to get in the mood to have sex with you.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Perfect!! And that, folks, is what we call open and honest communication in a marriage. If you can't be honest with your spouse, who CAN you really be honest with?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Having recently discovered what it's like to be completely honest about how you feel to your spouse, and how scary it is at the time but ultimately how liberating and helpful it can be, my advice echoes that of the others.

Tell her exactly how you feel. Put it all on the table. Be gentle, loving but firm in your stance.

This is a major problem in your marriage. It needs to be dealt with or you are going to have an affair or simply lie to her until you leave her.

It will be difficult to do because she will be hurt, defensive, angry, etc., but you have to do it for the sake of your marriage and you have to stand by whatever you say to her. 

Good luck.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Before you have "the talk" with her, it might be a good idea to figure out why she eats so much that she maintains a weight of 250 lbs. Carefully observe when and what she eats to help you determine what drives her eating. It will help prepare you to discuss the situation and help to find solutions for the issue. Many overweight people eat due to frustration, disappointment, stress, boredom, or need of comfort. If you observe something along those lines, you could mention it in your talk and discuss what you have observed and encourage her to express her thoughts on what you saw. At least you would be prepared with some useful suggestions rather than just ultimatums and your disappointment in her appearance. If you frame it as a problem you can face as a couple, rather than a personality flaw in her, it may help motivate her. She may need to see a counselor to help deal with whatever her issue is and to help her form new habits that will alleviate her turning to food. And you may need to devote a substantial amount of time and effort to reinforce the new habits. In addition, the household may need to adopt whatever eating program she pursues. That may mean the end of snack food, fast food, and processed food, but that would be healthier for everyone anyway. 

In my experience, my now xh stated his expectations explicitly, let me know how disappointed and angry he was with me and did absolutely nothing to help me. He was, himself, 30 lbs overweight at that time. I gritted my teeth and achieved the weight loss, all the while keeping up with the kids, house, yard, job, aging parents, etc. He still wanted his junk food, meat and potatoes (and gravy) dinners (which I had to cook, in addition to preparing my diet food separately). He did no exercise while I got up at 4:15 am to hit the gym or exercise at home before work. Needless to say, I built up quite a bit of resentment, realized that if I could lose 70 lb. by myself, I could survive alone. He is now my ex. Had he approached the issue differently and made it a project for both of us, things would be different. That is why I suggest you make the weight issue a problem for the both of you to work on together.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I like the concept. As for the approach, I would suggest she enter into individual counseling so SHE can understand why she's eating herself into a divorce and and early grave. 

You can also offer marriage counseling so you two can get the help of a therapist in figuring out how you can best support her. 

As for any questions about divorce after the kids leave, you should be honest. Honest is some version of this: I don't know what will happen when the kids leave. I do worry that my resentment over this issue is slowly hurting the marriage. And I do feel as if she loves her current lifestyle more than she loves me. And that feels bad. 





Template said:


> Before you have "the talk" with her, it might be a good idea to figure out why she eats so much that she maintains a weight of 250 lbs. Carefully observe when and what she eats to help you determine what drives her eating. It will help prepare you to discuss the situation and help to find solutions for the issue. Many overweight people eat due to frustration, disappointment, stress, boredom, or need of comfort. If you observe something along those lines, you could mention it in your talk and discuss what you have observed and encourage her to express her thoughts on what you saw. At least you would be prepared with some useful suggestions rather than just ultimatums and your disappointment in her appearance. If you frame it as a problem you can face as a couple, rather than a personality flaw in her, it may help motivate her. She may need to see a counselor to help deal with whatever her issue is and to help her form new habits that will alleviate her turning to food. And you may need to devote a substantial amount of time and effort to reinforce the new habits. In addition, the household may need to adopt whatever eating program she pursues. That may mean the end of snack food, fast food, and processed food, but that would be healthier for everyone anyway.
> 
> In my experience, my now xh stated his expectations explicitly, let me know how disappointed and angry he was with me and did absolutely nothing to help me. He was, himself, 30 lbs overweight at that time. I gritted my teeth and achieved the weight loss, all the while keeping up with the kids, house, yard, job, aging parents, etc. He still wanted his junk food, meat and potatoes (and gravy) dinners (which I had to cook, in addition to preparing my diet food separately). He did no exercise while I got up at 4:15 am to hit the gym or exercise at home before work. Needless to say, I built up quite a bit of resentment, realized that if I could lose 70 lb. by myself, I could survive alone. He is now my ex. Had he approached the issue differently and made it a project for both of us, things would be different. That is why I suggest you make the weight issue a problem for the both of you to work on together.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

My h is at *least* 50 lbs ow. We don't have a lot sex. When we do...he can't finish and he says it's because he's out of shape. Then he has a coke and some Doritos while watching a movie the next night.

When I brought up the issue of our sex life a long time ago, one of his excuses was that we had both gained weight and he didn't feel very attractive and wasn't attracted to me. I have since lost and managed to keep off 25lbs. He refuses to see doc and he won't come to the gym or go swimming with me.

Up to this point, I have not made his weight an issue, mainly because it was easier not to bring it up. But I may have to now that I know it is one of the reasons he is LD. Funny thing is, he acknowledges that I've lost and he's continued to gain. For me, I know I have to say something if for no other reason than his health. When I do say something, that is the approach I'm taking until that fails. You need to tell her so she knows for certain. It's sort of like out of sight out of mind. If I don't tell my h that his weight is an issue because we need him around to take care of us, he thunk I don't have a problem with it, when I certainly do!


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## NoHappyEnding (Aug 20, 2013)

Well, I already do most of the cooking (all healthy) and cleaning. We rarely have junk food in the house and it's only ever there for our teenage son and his friends (the wife & I don't eat it, at least while I'm around). They are all extremely active, so for now they don't have to worry about what they eat.

6 years ago I got braces and couldn't eat solid food for like 2 weeks. I ended up loosing something like 8 lbs (mostly water weight I'm sure). It was then that I realized I had gained some weight over the years (+40lbs on my original 180) and it was time to get back in shape. Looking back at my old pictures I can't believe I didn't notice (talk about a pudgy face). No one ever mentioned it to me and I was somehow oblivious. I had a desk job and didn't exercise. When I went to a sleep doctor (for snoring), he didn't think it was my weight, he said I was "Husky" but not overweight. I was. 

I lost it all over 9 months. Initially just by eating healthy (no more fried foods, pop, etc etc) then by counting calories to loose the last 15. My wife also lost about 30 lbs. I no longer snore either. I've keep that weight off since. I believe she has as well. Looking at old pictures, she looked heavier than she does now. Which means she was up around 280 to 290. 

I'm currently working to get down below 10% body fat (from 15%) to get that "ripped" look. I've built up a very good understanding of nutrition and fitness over the last few years.

Honestly, I don't understand how she hasn't naturally lost a significant amount of weight based on how much she eats. Her metabolism has to be completely shot or something (she was tested, no thyroid issues).

We eat Primal (basically Paleo + dairy) and are currently keeping track of our carb intake (I believe she is insulin resistant & extremely carb sensitive, which is common in obese people). She seems enthusiastic and has stuck to it for almost two weeks. She didn't loose any weight just switching to Primal/Paleo 6 months ago. Since I'm also cutting my body fat, we do it together and I have no problem sticking to it until she gets down to a healthy weight.

There has been a strong focus on our health this year and I don't plan to let up until we both get there. With that in mind, I don't think I need to discuss ultimatums or anything like that. That is unless she decides to give up, but I don't think I'm going to give her that option.

***

That just leaves us with sex. She still wants to have sex all of the time, and looking at her doesn't "do it" for me, kinda the opposite I'm afraid. Actually, the more I focus on my own fitness, the more I'm disgusted by fat, although I've had an aversion to "big" women since before we got together. 

Before we met, the 3 qualities I was looking for were a cool chick that I got along well with (fun, easy going, best friend) that didn't smoke and was not overweight. Since she smoked, I figured I got 2 out of 3, which I could live with. Imagine the horror a few years into our marriage when I realized I was living with a moody, obese, smoker. I felt like I was some how tricked. She quit smoking 7 years ago, and she is still that cool chick that I enjoy being with (as long as she is getting laid on a regular basis, but that's sometimes tough when I don't want to touch her).

I think I will just have to "take one for the team" and "put out" as much as I can. I'm hoping this will keep her motivated. Kinda "fake it till we make it" I guess.

*** 

On a side note, her friends and co-workers are always commenting that they are envious of her. She has a "hot" husband who does everything around the house, a great father, and always offers help to anyone in need. She always jokes that I can go out and get any woman that I want and assumes women are always hitting on me when I go out. You would think that would be motivation enough to keep herself attractive or get back to it.


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