# At the end of my rope Considering Separation



## Lcurry (Aug 31, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years but have been together for 10 years. We have 2 daughters together and our family looks perfect from the outside but our marriage is failing apart. We can't stand to be around each other and we basically have a "roommate" situation. I can't stand to have him touch me so we don't kiss we don't hug and the few times we do have sex it's awkward and unfulfilling. 
I have a hard time expressing myself to my husband because he either doesn't respond or we argue. 
While I feel that my husband is a good father, I don't feel that I can continue to live my life in constant irritation. 
He refuses to go to counseling to even attempt to make things right and I don't know what else to do.
I keep telling myself that I should stay with him because he's not cheating on me or hitting me but I'm still very unhappy and feel better alone. Although I want my marriage to work I feel as though I'm the only one putting forth effort to make it work. 
I'm not sure what to do and not sure how much more I should really try.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Welcome to my world except much longer time period. How old are you two?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Welcome @Lcurry



Lcurry said:


> My husband and I have been married for 5 years but have been together for 10 years. We have 2 daughters together and our family looks perfect from the outside but our marriage is failing apart. We can't stand to be around each other and we basically have a "roommate" situation. I can't stand to have him touch me so we don't kiss we don't hug and the few times we do have sex it's awkward and unfulfilling.


When did this start?

Presumably you guys got along great when you married 5 years ago. What has changed about him and the relationship since you married? 



Lcurry said:


> I have a hard time expressing myself to my husband because he either doesn't respond or we argue.


This might be on your husband, but I suspect that a big part of it may be because of your approach. 

What do you say to him when you are upset? 

What kind of responses are you looking for? Does he know this? 



Lcurry said:


> While I feel that my husband is a good father, I don't feel that I can continue to live my life in constant irritation. He refuses to go to counseling to even attempt to make things right and I don't know what else to do.
> I keep telling myself that I should stay with him because he's not cheating on me or hitting me but I'm still very unhappy and feel better alone. Although I want my marriage to work I feel as though I'm the only one putting forth effort to make it work.
> I'm not sure what to do and not sure how much more I should really try.


Then you go to counseling on your own. Hate to hit you with this right off the bat, but you need it. 

The research has shown that children of divorce have a much harder time, including lower test scores, bad relationship dynamics, trust issues, security issues, the list goes on.

Before you pull the plug on the marriage and put your young children through the ringer, it would be best to try to make things work as much as you can. I don't believe that you have done all that you can to change things.

Some things you might want to work on:

- your constant irritation
- your unhappiness
- your desire to be alone
- your resentment 

What was your family of origin like?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Might as well tell us a bit about your husband too.

The more info that you provide the better the advice that you will get.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Lcurry said:


> We can't stand to be around each other and we basically have a "roommate" situation. I can't stand to have him touch me so we don't kiss we don't hug and the few times we do have sex it's awkward and unfulfilling.


It's natural that if you have unresolved issues, you're not going to feel romantic towards him. Kissing and hugging and sexual contact are all expressions of love, but if you're not feeling the love, it's not surprising you don't want to do these things.



> I have a hard time expressing myself to my husband because he either doesn't respond or we argue.


What do you mean by this? He literally has no response at all (i.e., he sits there and ignores you) or he doesn't respond the way you would like him to? 

My suggestion is that you need to address him again, but don't make accusations. Don't say "you need to be more loving" or " why don't you want this marriage to work." That will put him on the defensive, and will lead to more arguing. Talk about how you, personally, feel about your situation. Use statements that begin with "I," such as, "I feel like we're not as close as we used to be" and "I miss when we used to kiss and hug each other" and "I feel like our marriage is falling apart."



> I keep telling myself that I should stay with him because he's not cheating on me or hitting me but I'm still very unhappy and feel better alone. Although I want my marriage to work I feel as though I'm the only one putting forth effort to make it work.
> I'm not sure what to do and not sure how much more I should really try.


Have you articulated these feelings to your husband? The way you phrased it right there would be a good way to say it to him. "I want our marriage to work, but I feel like I'm the only one putting forth any effort. At this point, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm not sure how much longer I want to try."

Let that be his wake-up call. Hopefully he will realize you're at your wit's end and make an effort. If he does not respond favorably, you may wish to consider a trial separation.


Quigster


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Quigster said:


> My suggestion is that you need to address him again, but don't make accusations. Don't say "you need to be more loving" or " why don't you want this marriage to work." That will put him on the defensive, and will lead to more arguing. Talk about how you, personally, feel about your situation. Use statements that begin with "I," such as, "I feel like we're not as close as we used to be" and "I miss when we used to kiss and hug each other" and "I feel like our marriage is falling apart."
> 
> 
> 
> Have you articulated these feelings to your husband? The way you phrased it right there would be a good way to say it to him. "I want our marriage to work, but I feel like I'm the only one putting forth any effort. At this point, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm not sure how much longer I want to try."


:iagree:


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## Lcurry (Aug 31, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Welcome to my world except much longer time period. How old are you two?


I'm 27 and my husband is 29.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Lcurry said:


> I'm 27 and my husband is 29.


He may change, but might be closer to 40 by then you will be pissed beyond belief....DUDE


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## Lcurry (Aug 31, 2015)

We've been in this circle for the past two years. 
When I tell him how I feel about our marriage he just nods his head and says ok. I have expressed that I feel like I'm the only one working on the marriage and still says nothing. Only nods his head. I would like for him to at least acknowledge what I'm saying and show some type of effort. Half the time he only seems interested in playing video games.

Part of my irritation is that I hold things in to avoid fighting and then one thing will set me off. When we are together you can cut the tension with a knife. We even avoid eye contact.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

If you want to save the marriage you're going to have to do something to get his attention. Separate. If he won't go to counseling you can't make him. Don't be miserable for the rest of your life. It ain't worth it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Are you ready to give him an ultimatum?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Based on the scant information provided I am going to fill in the blanks with supposition. I can only guess that he spends a good deal of time at the computer playing games. This you find insulting as he could be spending time with you, understandable so. So what if you made time with you more intriguing than playing on the computer? If your first response was "why should I have to make the time more interesting" then you are not completely sincere about making your marriage work.

As time goes by every married couple falls into a pattern. These patterns are very mundane and predictable and can be very difficult to overcome. When couples are first married it is interesting, new and intriguing but after a time it becomes boring, old and piques little interest. Couples begin to search for the new, interesting and different. Some turn to various hobbies such as sports, crafting, woodworking, and so forth and some turn to video games.

A marriage, like any worthwhile endeavor, requires work and dedication to flourish. Without it it withers and will eventually be little more than a dry husk with no depth or life. Even video games require diligence and practice to become proficient. The key is balance. We can still enjoy our games and hobbies but we must be careful not to neglect the marriage or it will suffer the effects of neglect.

Communication is crucial in any relationship and especially so in marriage. Therefore you must express to your husband that you two need to talk. I suggest approaching it gently and not forcefully because he may interpret it as you being controlling and domineering. Instead, be persistent but not forceful and allow him to see that you are serious about saving your marriage and you desperately desire his cooperation and involvement. I dare say that if you put your mind to it you could lure him away from that computer.

This all relies on the supposition that you do indeed want to save your family and are willing to put forth serious effort towards that end. If not, then the marriage will become a prison wherein two people look for escape and that is the breeding ground for affairs. I wish you good fortune in your endeavor.


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## shane0147 (May 20, 2015)

I read through this and think everyone has good inputs. I would add (with many exclamation marks) that you dont want to let this continue unresolved. He may be seeing things as great for himself, therefore he doesnt fully comprehend (or respect) your point of view. 

That sounds very similar to my marriage. A slow downward spiral. 

Ill bet a tendency is for you to want to fix things, he isnt on board, you probably fight, then kiss and make up, putting a bandaid on it and letting him think you are ok now. The pattern will repeat itself forever, until something in the cycle is broken up. My opinion is that a good way to break the cycle is to cut back on the kiss and make up part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lcurry (Aug 31, 2015)

Tron said:


> Are you ready to give him an ultimatum?


My ultimatum was that we go to counseling or file for separation.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If he refuses to go to counseling then what is your plan?

If you don't follow through then in his opinion it's all just talk.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lcurry said:


> My ultimatum was that we go to counseling or file for separation.


Threats never work, unless you follow through.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home?

Does your husband acknowledge that there is a problem?

Does he get defensive?

Your approach is wrong because its you basically nagging him. That's how he's taking it. I agree with you that if he is buried in video games most of the time when he's at home, there's a huge problem. But the more you try to reason with him and talk to him the more he will move towards the video games and anything else that is a buffer between you and him.

Guys tend to take being talked to like you are doing as attacks. So as soon as you say anything they he goes into defense mode. Not acknowledging what you are saying is a form of defense.

There is a book that I think would help you quite a bit: "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on introducing change and the 180 (its not the 180 linked to below in my signature). 

The only person you can change is yourself. But if you make unilateral changes, he will have to change.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Go ahead and schedule the counseling, and remind him that it's counseling or separation. Then go by yourself if he doesn't go. It will help you anyway. (I did it.... the ex refused to go. Just one more reason why he's my ex w/ no remorse!)


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