# Wife's "Habit" -- Women, please comment



## JustAboutDone (Feb 3, 2011)

I have been together with my wife for 15 years, married for 12. We're both in our upper 30's and in good shape, have 2 kids, and spend quite a bit of time working these days -- just wanted to lay the foundation.

So here's my situation, we currently have sex about once a month, and when we do I can tell she's really just doing it to keep me happy for the next month -- keep in mind I don't mind that we only have sex once a month (it's fine for me if we're *both* into it). 

So a few months back I was downstairs playing with my kids and ran upstairs to get something, when I opened the door to my room, there was my wife spread eagle with vibrator in hand! Again, keep in mind this does not bother me, I actually was turned on by it. But then I wondered, how often does she masturbate? I know where she keeps her little "friend", so over the course of the past few months I would check in the drawer to see if it was moving around (this drawer serves no other purpose, so a change in position is pretty much equal to a quick orgasm) -- and sure enough, it was, ~ 3 times a week!

Now here I am, 3 months later, obviously my wife has an urge to fulfill, now I'm wondering if she doesn't want (or need) me to partipate. I know for sure she would never cheat on me, however I want to understand, is this normal?? I'm no saint here either, I masturbate ~5 times a week, for me it serves two purposes:

1) as a stress relief
2) to control my urges

I'm still very attracted to my wife and fantasize about being with her all the time, just not sure the feeling is mutual anymore.

I never thought of masturbation for women as a quick "stress relief" similar to a guy -- however maybe that's the case?? That, or, she's completely lost desire to have sex with me and I have bigger issues to deal with. To be honest, my eyes have really started to wander these days and I'm hoping this will pass.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

Did she know you saw?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You both need to stop masterbating unless it's together. As fore play. 

You're urges should be aimed at her. 

If sex is once a month, is it you that initiates sex?

Do you try weekly and get shot down?

I would sit her down and let her know you seen her. Explain that sex once a month is not going to cut it. 

Let her know that you can use vibrator on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You asked for female perspective. My approach is "do unto others as you would have them do to you" and for me, I don't want to be interrupted by sexual propositions when I am sleeping or busy and have a lot on my plate. So when I perceive my husband is busy and stressed out and preoccupied or if I have the urge when he is asleep, I take care of myself rather than bother him. We never had enough sex to suit me when I was pregnant so I took care of myself a LOT. When H found out about this, he told me to interrupt him ANY TIME. He is ALWAYS at my service.

You and your W sound like your drives are well matched. I think you should talk with her about it so that you can enjoy sex with each other instead of this lonely way.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

In the past you thought your wife' lack of sexual desire was just a low sex drive.

Now you know that she has a normal sex drive.

She just doesn't want to have sex with you. I'm sorry to be blunt.

But this does not have to be a permanent state. Figure out all the things you are doing to cause your wife to not want to have sex with you and stop doing them.

The list ranges from:
-- You are not meeting her non sexual emotional needs.
-- You are doing things that annoy her.
-- You are not making her life better
-- You are not providing an source of enjoyment to her in life
-- You are letting her dominate you
-- You are conflict avoidant
-- You are tolerating a sexless marriage
-- You are acting weak and needy
-- You act more like a child than a man
-- You are not taking care of yourself physically
-- You are not providing enough financial resources

More background on the state of your marriage.

And realize that your wife will cheat. Please don't ever think your wife won't cheat. If your wife is not sexually attracted to you, and another man comes into her sphere that she is attracted to, then nature will take it's course.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does she O when you have sex?

I am a woman in a sexless relationship who, most of the time, would rather M than have sex. My reasons could be very different from hers, it depends on your history. 

I do it for stress relief, to help me sleep, cause I have an urge and I know it's the quickest, easiest and best way to get it fixed.
But probably the biggest is because if I choose sex instead, I get resentment about how my O is just not as important to him as his own. He has not always made sure I got mine and was fine with having all about him sex. Even though he will make sure I do now, it feels like it's because of a requirement, not a passion and understanding of my needs. 

He doesn't understand my body like I do and giving direction is frustrating, the Os are just not as good because of it.

So I get an ok orgasm, which took a lot of work to get there and then spend time focusing on him and his- which means even if I _were _able to get an ears ringing, about to pass out O with him I couldn't just slump back on the bed while the room in spinning and just enjoying the moment. I gotta get to work.

Or I could whip out a toy, be done in 5 minutes and get to lay there and enjoy the post O frenzy and fall asleep. No strings, no bad feelings, no frustration.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> In the past you thought your wife' lack of sexual desire was just a low sex drive.
> 
> Now you know that she has a normal sex drive.
> 
> ...



I think you should add the possibility that his wife simply doesn't get anything out of sex with him. At the risk of upsetting some guys I'd say this is more common then many realize. I don't have a huge history myself but I can say that of all my partners my current husband is the only one that's been impressive in bed.

OP, was there ever a time where she really enjoyed sex with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JustAboutDone said:


> So here's my situation, we currently have sex about once a month, *and when we do I can tell she's really just doing it to keep me happy for the next month *-- keep in mind I don't mind that we only have sex once a month (it's fine for me if we're *both* into it).
> 
> So a few months back I was downstairs playing with my kids and ran upstairs to get something, when I opened the door to my room, there was my wife spread eagle with vibrator in hand! Again, keep in mind this does not bother me, I actually was turned on by it. But then I wondered, *how often does she masturbate? I know where she keeps her little "friend", so over the course of the past few months I would check in the drawer to see if it was moving around (this drawer serves no other purpose, so a change in position is pretty much equal to a quick orgasm) -- and sure enough, it was, ~ 3 times a week!*
> 
> ...


The list Hicks gave there.. these could be REAL underlying issues, resentment built up in your wife.. that needs unearthed and worked through...

Speaking purely from an orgasm angle... I am guessing your wife can't get off during intercourse.. which would explain her not seeming all that into sex...??? some women NEED THE VIBE... they say only 25% to 1/3 of women can get off during intercourse with a man.. 

HOW DOES YOUR WIFE ORGASM, oral.... do you give her oral? You and her really need to talk to each other about this.. and save your orgasms for each other...



> *Blonde said* :S*o when I perceive my husband is busy and stressed out and preoccupied or if I have the urge when he is asleep, I take care of myself rather than bother him. We never had enough sex to suit me when I was pregnant so I took care of myself a LOT. When H found out about this, he told me to interrupt him ANY TIME. He is ALWAYS at my service*


Myself and H missed each other in the past too.. I would get horny in the middle of the night, he was sleeping, half the time I woke him up, half the time I didn't... I come to learn later when we opened this subject up (we NEVER spoke of masturbating, seemed so taboo!).... his saying "Hell, that's important, that's like telling me the house was on fire!" when he learned I took matters into my own hands.. instead of waking him up.. (love that comment, a classic)...

So yeah..... STUPID.. I wasted a lot of good sex by going it alone those nights.. when we should have been together...

TALK TO HER... the intimacy is very important in a marriage.. if she can only get off with a vibrator, do some shopping on Adam & Eve.. make it FUN... show her YOU want to use it on he /you find it a turn on . . incorporate this into your love making.


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## JustAboutDone (Feb 3, 2011)

Thank you for feedback. First, I do think there are some underlying issues, agree with 'Hicks' on some of the points and I need to bring these up in a careful manor to make sure the conversation does not get confrontational.

Regarding other comments:
- Yes, she definitely noticed when I walked in room and caught her, it was awkward to say the least
- Regarding her orgasms -- when we have sex, that is my priority, in fact, first I make sure she has orgasm, then we have sex. We do use her vibe for this, and when we do, I take care of other areas while she gets off. In fact she is quite open and erotic when we do this each time -- she has asked that I caress a 'taboo' area to enhance her O - definitely a pleasurable experience for us both. 

I think a talk is next for us, appreciate the feedback thus far.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Has it always been that way? 
I searched past threads and you had said 

"I used to be the WORST for over 10 years of my sex life -- I would ejaculate after 30 seconds to a minute every time, embarrassing and not enjoyable for me or my wife. "

10 years is a long time to have frustrating sex, even if you have solved the problem now she might have gotten into the habit of just taking care of herself then and she just hasn't stopped now that the issue is resolved.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

JustAboutDone said:


> - Regarding her orgasms -- when we have sex, that is my priority, in fact, first I make sure she has orgasm, then we have sex. We do use her vibe for this, and when we do, I take care of other areas while she gets off. In fact she is quite open and erotic when we do this each time -- she has asked that I caress a 'taboo' area to enhance her O - definitely a pleasurable experience for us both.
> 
> I think a talk is next for us, appreciate the feedback thus far.


So it appears as though the vibrator is used for her O's, with or without you.

There's your problem, right there. It sounds as though her O's are dependent on it.

So once a month, having an O with human contact (and a vibrator) is on her agenda. The rest of the time, she can do it herself in 2 minutes, or less.

This is not necessarily a reflection upon your skills. This is more a reflection on the fact that she is dependent on a vibrator to achieve orgasm.

Either talk to her about this, or leave it status quo. Maybe ask her if she'll lose the vibrator for a couple of months, and see if the sex increases. It may be difficult for her to orgasm at first, but she's obviously capable and can adapt to other forms of stimulation if she puts her mind to it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening justaboutdone
During the times my wife very rarely wanted sex, I noticed that she was masturbating frequently (toys moved). I asked her gently about it once and she denied it so I dropped it.

From everything I could tell, I was pleasing her in bed. Certainly I would do anything she asked, whenever she asked. I think she almost always has an orgasm during our lovemaking, though its of course possible she has been faking it for 30 years.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maybe a little less "asking" and "giving" on your part and a little more "telling" and "taking".

Just a thought.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sexual honesty!

Don't lose the vibrator, bring it out more often!

Men admit that they have delicate egos about their sexual skills, women know this. Do you see your wife being able to say, "honey, sex isn't so great for me. I wish you would last longer. I wish you would be more passionate, tell me how you want me, make me feel like it is ME you want rather than just a whole to f***. I wish you would spend more time warming me up, more time on my breasts, more time in just the right place...." So instead she remains silent and takes care of herself, denying BOTH of you the opportunity to learn to meet each other's desires and needs.

Sexual Honesty!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Sexual honesty!
> 
> Don't lose the vibrator, bring it out more often!
> 
> ...


Preach it Sister...:iagree:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You missed an opportunity to join with her and have some fun.

Sure, she could have been annoyed or guilty, but you can break through that.

The two of you wanking in your respective corners is not a good situation.


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## Hammond_B3 (Oct 31, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Does she O when you have sex?
> 
> 
> "But probably the biggest is because if I choose sex instead, I get resentment about how my O is just not as important to him as his own. He has not always made sure I got mine and was fine with having all about him sex."
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband and I have a no MB without permission rule. This is simply because we both know that if we don't store up our sexual energy to just use on each other, sex just isn't as intense. When we deprive ourselves of MB'ing, we actually create a lot more body-to-body desire and lust. Add to that a lot of daily touching, groping, making out, and teasing and we're both really hot and ready when we actually get down to having sex.

For me, MB'ing is boring, but (when I wasn't in this agreement with my husband) I would do it a lot even though I find it boring! I think I am just used to the chemical c*cktail release from having an O, and so even though the adventure to getting the O is boring to me, I want the chemicals. So when I wasn't under this agreement, I probably MB'd every day, sometimes multiple.

The reason MB'ing is boring for me is that I can't manufacture in my mind what it feels like to be touched, and that is what makes all sexual points in my body light up. If I have to get myself mentally from zero to sexual light up, with no touching by a lover, I just don't find that fun or fulfilling at all. Even though, like I said, I used to do it every day. 

Compared to actual sex, MB'ing or just an O is nothing, it doesn't even represent the urge to have sex, to me.

However, compared to really bad sex, I would pass it up and just get my O's quietly. That's just me. I just can't get my body to cooperate and allow PIV sex if I feel the sex is bleah, or am not attracted to the person.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I'd rather go solo. You asked, and I am willing to tell it like it is for me. I would rather go solo. Sex with my husband ends in hurt feelings and feelings of failure. I cannot have sex knowing that if I "O" or not makes hi9m feel inadequate or capable. That is to much stress on me. So much so that I now have "performance anxiety." I gotta make the "O" happen or he feels badly. 

Unfortunately sex does absolutely nothing for me. I can get what I need alone and b fine with that. Though I do have sex with my husband twice a month cause it is just one of them things a guy has to have. 

We can use the toy when we are together and having sex but the performance anxiety still gets me. The amount of stress put on me to make it happen is just to great. When my H says "I am going to eat you till you get off" that fills me with fear not joy. Then the stress is really on. Some times I think he could go on and on forever and it WILL NOT happen. 

The solution we have found is to say 20 min, if it doesn't happen in 20 min then game over. Glad you enjoyed the ride, I can see this is not going to end in an "O" and that is ok. It is not always about the "O". the ride there is half the fun and sometimes to a female that is all ya really want any way. Some of us just have a hard time reaching the point of "O". 

My H has solo time, I hav solo time and we are both ok with that. I think I am far more ok with it though then he is. I think he may resent that I am making love to me rather then him.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hicks said:


> In the past you thought your wife' lack of sexual desire was just a low sex drive.
> 
> Now you know that she has a normal sex drive.
> 
> ...


I hate to acknowledge this as truth but it is screaming at me.


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

My best friend Loves sex with her old man, says he's great in bed, but she can ONLY orgasm with a intense vibe directly on her clit. Not just any vibrator, but a plug in model that has some serious power (gotta love Hatachi, lol). Her H can go down on her and she says it feels great, but she just can't get the O without the vibe. Sometimes they use it togeather, but she feels he resents her for it because he is not ''good enough'' to get her off himself. It has nothing to do with him though, so sometimes she fakes it just so his feelings don't get hurt. This topic made me think of that convo so I thought I would share. I wonder if there are other women like this?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yeah...I wouldn't be so quick to assume she isn't attracted to you physically. Or that you lack skill. Could be that it's just EASIER emotionally. But only your wife can tell you.


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## JustAboutDone (Feb 3, 2011)

I have no issues with it, it turns me on. I would just rather provide a helping hand when she uses it, versus both of us masturbating by ourselves all the time.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> My H has solo time, I hav solo time and we are both ok with that. I think I am far more ok with it though then he is. I think he may resent that I am making love to me rather then him.


Can you two go solo _together_ ? He might feel better about it still being shared time/experience.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> My husband and I have a no MB without permission rule. *This is simply because we both know that if we don't store up our sexual energy to just use on each other, sex just isn't as intense. When we deprive ourselves of MB'ing, we actually create a lot more body-to-body desire and lust. Add to that a lot of daily touching, groping, making out, and teasing and we're both really hot and ready when we actually get down to having sex.*
> 
> *For me, MB'ing is boring,* but (when I wasn't in this agreement with my husband) I would do it a lot even though I find it boring! I think I am just used to the chemical c*cktail release from having an O, and so even though the adventure to getting the O is boring to me, I want the chemicals. So when I wasn't under this agreement, I probably MB'd every day, sometimes multiple.
> 
> *The reason MB'ing is boring for me is that I can't manufacture in my mind what it feels like to be touched, and that is what makes all sexual points in my body light up. If I have to get myself mentally from zero to sexual light up, with no touching by a lover, I just don't find that fun or fulfilling at all. * Even though, like I said, I used to do it every day.


Something myself and FW have in common ! Me & H are the same way..... I have only MB'd maybe 3 times in the past 5 yrs and those were ONLY during my Insane drive phase . where I was climbing the walls -knowing I would be pushing too much on him...though he told me to come to him every time...God bless that man!

We both feel doing ourselves is "hollow" (the word he has used) in comparison to being together....we *want* to save every bit of our sexual energy for each other....it builds the "passion".. the chemicals.. you described this very well.. :smthumbup:


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## JustAboutDone (Feb 3, 2011)

I've pretty much given up. She's masturbating at this point as a complete replacement and I've told her I know about her frequency. No change in sex life, denies she's using it (she admits to once a month, it's more like 10-12 times per month) and doesn't say there are issues with our relationship. Time to think about my options.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Toss the toy and leave a picture of your rod in the drawer. Tell her she better get her ass in gear and start pleasing herself on your rod because if she uses anything else, she can try being married to it.

Toys are fine if they add to, not replace, your partner. Start coming on strong and don't be put off by rejection but keep a smoldering seriousness about it. She should be made fully aware that she is yours and her rejections are unnatural, unattractive and self destructive. You can do most of communicating those points through body language and attitude.

Seriously start making her feel there is something wrong with her, that she is odd or defective for not taking care of marriage business. Put pressure on her all the time, every time she is not receptive to sex that she obviously needs. Never beg or whine or complain. Show your disapproval through body language and attitude. She should never feel she is doing you a favor, she needs to understand that she needs it badly and her marriage does as well.

She needs to come to an understanding, correctly, that she is the malfunction, the fool destroying her own life and marriage.

If it helps, eventually let her know that there are a lot of women that would ride you hard and put you to bed dry just for the privilege to be married to a man like you.

Your wife has an unhealthy point of view and does not perceive you as a sexual, desirable mate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I have to say I'd be pretty upset if H threw out my toys and it wouldn't fix anything. I'd also make him pay to replace them all. 

OP- how do the conversations go when you talk about it? Are you just confronting her with her toy use or is it an actual conversation?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

What a shame. Two fit, virile, married people who are both whacking off constantly...alone. 

At the very least you all could be doing it together, in the same room, side by side or facing each other. You'd be masters at mutual masturbation, which can be so hot.

You've been replaced by a machine. You don't do it for her, for whatever reason, and it's unfortunate that you're just getting this. 

I think you both need to have a frank discussion about stopping ALL masturbation (and I say this as someone who thinks masturbation is healthy and appropriate in a marriage). You both need to commit to regular, frequent sex and a period of gentle, but frank honestly about your sexual needs, wants and desires. You need to be refocusing on making love with each other, not machines, porn and your own appendages.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Unless he knows the reason for her using the toy instead of sex, taking it away it just putting a band-aid on the problem and not solving it. The vibrator isn't the problem, it's a symptom. They would have to fix the cause of it first.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> *Toss the toy and leave a picture of your rod in the drawer. *


..Just imaging the look on her face !!







....Now that is getting the message across [email protected]#


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jaquen said:


> What a shame. Two fit, virile, married people who are both whacking off constantly...alone.
> 
> At the very least you all could be doing it together, in the same room, side by side or facing each other. You'd be masters at mutual masturbation, which can be so hot.
> 
> ...


I agree.. frankly I would look upon this as near infidelity .. she's outright LYING...and dissing the needs of her spouse.. UNACCEPTABLE.. This is no different than the husband porn addict wasting all his energy on the computer screen, while his wife is suffering.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Unless he knows the reason for her using the toy instead of sex, taking it away it just putting a band-aid on the problem and not solving it. The vibrator isn't the problem, it's a symptom. They would have to fix the cause of it first.


Slowly, I absolutely agree with you but I have a lot of experience dealing with addictive behaviors and the real issues are never addressed with addicts until their addiction is halted and their world starts to crumble.

Of course I could be wrong here but it does not seem like it.

The wife is destroying her marriage and not talking about why. She is avoiding conflict, denying and continuing with her destructive behavior.

Until that cycle is broken, it will only continue and get worse.

In this case, eliminating the object of addiction and taking a strong stand with real repercussions is needed.

Sometimes you have to be willing to go through some ugliness to save people and your marriage as well. Life is messy but I am sure I am preaching to the choir on that point.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

tabasco


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JustAboutDone said:


> I've pretty much given up. She's masturbating at this point as a complete replacement and I've told her I know about her frequency. No change in sex life, denies she's using it (she admits to once a month, it's more like 10-12 times per month) and doesn't say there are issues with our relationship. Time to think about my options.


If you have given up, do you want support for your decision to divorce or support for your endless misery in your sex life?


If you haven't given up, how about you taking a good long look at yourself as well as your wife in order to understand better?

I posted about sexual honesty. You're not getting that, and you're not giving that.

You posted at first that you're content with once a month frequency provided she was as "into it" as you were. In other words, you need to feel wanted and desired in order to have sex. Okay, lots of people feel like that, nothing wrong with it, except for the fact that in order to feel wanted and desired you both have to speak the same language to each other at the same time. Tricky.

Could it be that your desire for your wife might ignite her desire for you? Or do you wish that her desire for you ignite your desire for her?

Generally, the party with the lower sex drive can be induced to a higher response rate by being receptive. In other words, if you want sex, your desire for her turns her on so she becomes receptive to sex. Or, her desire for you turns you on so you become receptive to sex. But what happens when both of you require to feel the desire from the other in order to be receptive to sex?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> tabasco


I like the way you think. Are you CIA?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Slowly, I absolutely agree with you but I have a lot of experience dealing with addictive behaviors and the real issues are never addressed with addicts until their addiction is halted and their world starts to crumble.
> .


Just because she uses her vibrator instead of sex does not mean she is addicted. He doesn't know why she prefers it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Toss the toy and leave a picture of your rod in the drawer. Tell her she better get her ass in gear and start pleasing herself on your rod because if she uses anything else, she can try being married to it.
> 
> Toys are fine if they add to, not replace, your partner. Start coming on strong and don't be put off by rejection but keep a smoldering seriousness about it. She should be made fully aware that she is yours and her rejections are unnatural, unattractive and self destructive. You can do most of communicating those points through body language and attitude.


Totally agree with this. And the intensity you suggest is a hot button turn on for a lot of women!





> Seriously start making her feel there is something wrong with her, that she is odd or defective for not taking care of marriage business. Put pressure on her all the time, every time she is not receptive to sex that she obviously needs. Never beg or whine or complain. Show your disapproval through body language and attitude. She should never feel she is doing you a favor, she needs to understand that she needs it badly and her marriage does as well.
> 
> She needs to come to an understanding, correctly, that she is the malfunction, the fool destroying her own life and marriage.
> 
> If it helps, eventually let her know that there are a lot of women that would ride you hard and put you to bed dry just for the privilege to be married to a man like you.


Totally disagree with this.

OP had some sexual dysfunction for 10 years. I bet they don't talk openly about sex and I bet neither are comfortable being honest about what turns them on and what turns them off. 

For a LOT of women, a husband who needs to be desired and has been on the dysfunctional side if a turn off. But his wife hasn't been able to tell him this yet. 

For 10 years they had lousy sex and didn't talk about it. Now that he has better control and knows how to please her better, he is showing too much need and it is still turning her off.



> Your wife has an unhealthy point of view and does not perceive you as a sexual, desirable mate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think what's unhealthy is that neither are honest with themselves or their mates.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Seriously start making her feel there is something wrong with her, that she is odd or defective for not taking care of marriage business. Put pressure on her all the time, every time she is not receptive to sex that she obviously needs. Never beg or whine or complain. Show your disapproval through body language and attitude. She should never feel she is doing you a favor, she needs to understand that she needs it badly and her marriage does as well.


In my house, this suggestion is the sexual equivalent of bringing a hand grenade to bed with the pin pulled. Absolutely, unequivocally, 100% the wrong advice for my woman. 

Make sure you understand your audience well before you tell your spouse that she is defective.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> If you have given up, do you want support for your decision to divorce or support for your endless misery in your sex life?
> 
> 
> If you haven't given up, how about you taking a good long look at yourself as well as your wife in order to understand better?
> ...


Great post Anon. OP, this is also very good advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP is about to check out of his marriage. A hand grenade might be called for. I have also provided a MC alternative advice theme.

It is obvious that communication needs opened up but OP has at least attempted communication where the wife is shutting it down, denying and continuing destructive behavior.

I agree OP needs to be more honest and have expressed that his acceptance of this ridiculous situation has allowed it to reach devastating levels.

The dysfunction needs torn down. If the wife won't even acknowledge a problem then grenades are called for.

Or stfu and keep living stupid or divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> In my house, this suggestion is the sexual equivalent of bringing a hand grenade to bed with the pin pulled. Absolutely, unequivocally, 100% the wrong advice for my woman.
> 
> Make sure you understand your audience well before you tell your spouse that she is defective.


Some people are willing to live with dysfunction, others are not. OP apparently will not live with it. His wife needs to understand her audience. This is not just about her. If it was, she could ride off into the sunset, childless with her vibrating love stick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It comes across to me the OP's focus is more on her vibrator use than on the lack of marital sex. Personally, I think the vibrator is a red herring. 

The OP needs to decide whether a near sexless marriage is acceptable to him or not and clearly communicate this to his wife...and follow through on his decision if she chooses not to participate. She can decide whether the vibrator use is interfering with their sex life or not. From his side, what he needs is for there to be an increase in mutually satisfying sex. As long as that happens she can continue using the vibrator as much as she wants.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

JustAboutDone said:


> I've pretty much given up. She's masturbating at this point as a complete replacement and I've told her I know about her frequency. No change in sex life, denies she's using it (she admits to once a month, it's more like 10-12 times per month) and doesn't say there are issues with our relationship. Time to think about my options.





MaritimeGuy said:


> It comes across to me the OP's focus is more on her vibrator use than on the lack of marital sex. Personally, I think the vibrator is a red herring.
> 
> The OP needs to decide whether a near sexless marriage is acceptable to him or not and clearly communicate this to his wife...and follow through on his decision if she chooses not to participate. She can decide whether the vibrator use is interfering with their sex life or not. From his side, what he needs is for there to be an increase in mutually satisfying sex. As long as that happens she can continue using the vibrator as much as she wants.


:iagree:

Dear Just about....you have gotten lots of good advice, especially from Marittime Guy. 

Are you really upset that she is masturbating or are you upset because you are not getting the sex you feel you need from her.

There are some that feel that masturbation is sinful, some feel it is cheating on their spouse, some feel it is a threat to their own sexuality. Why does it bother you so much?

If you problem is the lack of sex you are getting with your wife, then do talk to her about the frequency of the sex between the two of you and don't talk about her masturbation. Also she probably knows you are upset about the frequency, so drop the anger toward her as it will do nothing to help. 

Saying you have "pretty much given up..." is an attitude that is pretty hard to hid from a spouse. If you have given up, the why would she do things to please you? You are in a downward spiral of your own making. You can either break the cycle or proceed until your marriage is wrecked. 

Good luck


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He has talked to her. No, he doesn't mind her toy or masturbation, he minds being replaced by them. He has already stated this clearly. He is not using her vibrator as a red herring. He has stated clearly that he knows she needs to get off but it needs to be with him at the very least as much as without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> tabasco


That made me laugh!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> He has talked to her. No, he doesn't mind her toy or masturbation, he minds being replaced by them. He has already stated this clearly. He is not using her vibrator as a red herring. He has stated clearly that he knows she needs to get off but it needs to be with him at the very least as much as without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think more specifics about how he talked to her, what was said, and how the conversation played out is needed. Just monitoring her vibrator placement and confronting her about using it could be putting her on the defense and less likely to open up.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm struck by the disparity between this situation and a situation where a guy is replacing his wife with porn. In the latter situation, most on the board would already have the pitchforks and torches ready to go after the guy. In this case, there still seems to be a lot of "lets give her the benefit of the doubt".


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I agree.. frankly I would look upon this as near infidelity .. she's outright LYING...and dissing the needs of her spouse.. UNACCEPTABLE.. This is no different than the husband porn addict wasting all his energy on the computer screen, while his wife is suffering.


Of course. You and me both know that if this title was "Husband's 'Habit' -- Women, please comment" and the OP was a woman who said her husband barely touches her sexually, but she accidentally happened upon him jerking it to porn " ~ 3 times a week", the responses here would be very different.

This woman, for whatever reason, has forced a near sexless marriage and yet is whacking off to her vibrator several times a week, but is lying about it AND claiming nothing is wrong in their relationship.

This kind of behavior is destructive and eventually sound grounds for divorce. Something is very wrong when your partner has chosen a sexual relationship with themselves and a damn toy over you. At this point her vibrator is basically the "other man".


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I'm struck by the disparity between this situation and a situation where a guy is replacing his wife with porn. In the latter situation, most on the board would already have the pitchforks and torches ready to go after the guy. In this case, there still seems to be a lot of "lets give her the benefit of the doubt".


There's benefit of the doubt in those cases too, maybe she rejected him before, maybe she's gained weight, etc. 
There is a bit of a difference in that she doesn't O during sex. 
When they have sex, she Os with a toy then they have PIV. For some people in that situation sex becomes something for _him_. Her part she can do on her own.

I think maybe if they could mix it up, oral instead of toys, using a toy during sex instead of before it could help, but if there are relationship issues causing her to avoid sex then that would need to be figured out first.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> There's benefit of the doubt in those cases too, maybe she rejected him before, maybe she's gained weight, etc.
> There is a bit of a difference in that she doesn't O during sex.
> When they have sex, she Os with a toy then they have PIV. For some people in that situation sex becomes something for _him_. Her part she can do on her own.
> 
> I think maybe if they could mix it up, oral instead of toys, using a toy during sex instead of before it could help, but if there are relationship issues causing her to avoid sex then that would need to be figured out first.


When the roles are reversed the standard advice given is almost always that the man needs to drop the porn and the masturbation, even if just temporarily, in order to refocus his energies on real, live sex with his wife. No matter what road they take, be it marital counseling, radical honesty, even just making efforts to have more sex, the porn & masturbation is seen as a deterrent to the process of reconnection.


In this case the vibrator is clearly a deterrent. The vast majority of her sexual life is alone with the vibe, she's barely having sex with her husband, and even when she does she's reliant on the toy. How would it look if the husband could only cum with her if some porn were playing in the background?

They need to reset. He needs to stop his masturbation and she needs to likewise. Their bodies at this point are more sensitized to self pleasure than mutual. They've got to relearn (or perhaps learn for the first time) how to truly pleasure one another satisfactorily, without any distractions. And they have to be honest with each other, completely. No more lies.

But regardless, the vibrator, at least for now, needs to go. There is no sound way to defend her continued use of it in light of the circumstance.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he has a premature ejaculation problem he should try Viagra. Its claimed the porn industry runs on it.

Once a month is considered a sexless marriage. At least one expert says less than three times a month is a sexless marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I'm struck by the disparity between this situation and a situation where a guy is replacing his wife with porn. In the latter situation, most on the board would already have the pitchforks and torches ready to go after the guy. In this case, there still seems to be a lot of "lets give her the benefit of the doubt".


Yes, get your pitch forks ready...

It has been my experience, TAM men excluded, that *many men men are emotionally intimate challenged* and yet being so does not affect their drive to have sex. Women are not typically intimacy challenged however a relationship lacking emotional intimacy, DOES affect their sex drive.

Therefore a man, who is most likely not very good with emotional intimacy may go through something that makes emotional intimacy painful, frightful and down right rotten, thus causing him to shy away from sex with real people and instead seek outlet via porn.

While a woman may feel a lack of emotional intimacy, thus cutting down her sex drive, and seek masturbation as an outlet because u satisfying sex in which emotional connection is lacking, is worse than rubbing one out on her own. Keeping in mind most women need that emotional connection to WANT to have sex with their spouses.

Some women can't separate emotional intimacy from physical intimacy.

Man seeks porn because he doesn't WANT emotional intimacy.
Woman seeks masturbation because the emotional intimacy is missing, not because she doesn't want it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, get your pitch forks ready...
> 
> It has been my experience, TAM men excluded, that *many men men are emotionally intimate challenged* and yet being so does not affect their drive to have sex. Women are not typically intimacy challenged however a relationship lacking emotional intimacy, DOES affect their sex drive.
> 
> ...


So basically this distills down to:

Husband prefers masturbation to sex = rotten husband.

Wife prefers masturbation to sex = rotten husband.

Do I have that about right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustAboutDone said:


> I've pretty much given up. She's masturbating at this point as a complete replacement and I've told her I know about her frequency. No change in sex life, denies she's using it (she admits to once a month, it's more like 10-12 times per month) and doesn't say there are issues with our relationship. Time to think about my options.


Have you clearly told her that you are giving up? Does she know that you are thinking of divorcing her over the lousy sex life?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I've told my story about my H and his porn. It's insane the amount of porn he watched. Every single day 2 -6 hours a day....yep....Anyway, that caused all sorts of other issues. 

I see no difference in this case.

I think he wife needs to cool it with the vibe. If she isn't going to have sex with her H (assuming the relationship is fine otherwise), she needs to not waste her sexual energy on the vibe. It's disrespectful. 

If she were having sex with her H several times a week and still used her vibe - I would see no issue with that. 

Unfortunately, women are very different from men. Many women can't O through PIV. Many men seem to think they are sex gods and going to pound town is all it takes (because that's what they do in porn right?)

That's not the case. 70% -ish of women can't O through PIV (and that number is debatable. It goes between 70% - 80% - that's a lot of women who can't O through PIV - the rest of us are unicorns ). So, if she isn't having O's, she could most certainly be sexually frustrated. If he hasn't been able to give her an O during any form of sexual activity, she might feel like sex isn't worth it with him. Over time, she could have given up hope and started turning to the vibe instead. 

Is it right? Eh, no. But it is what it is. I think she needs to take a step back, tell her H what she needs him to do in order to work towards getting her an O during sex. Once they figure out how to work together to make each other happy....porn and vibes....and whatever else can be used as bonuses.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> That's not the case. Only 70% -ish of women can O through PIV (and that number is debatable. It goes between 70% - 80% - that's a lot of women who can't O through PIV - the rest of us are unicorns ).


I've never heard numbers quoted even remotely that high. Only 1 in 3 or 4 seems to be the number I see the most often.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I've never heard numbers quoted even remotely that high. Only 1 in 3 or 4 seems to be the number I see the most often.


She goofed the first 70% number and meant 30%. She got it right later in post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> So basically this distills down to:
> 
> Husband prefers masturbation to sex = rotten husband.
> 
> ...


Excellent, class dismissed.


Seriously Fozzy you and I both now there is no way to "simply put" any gender based sexual problem.

Wife prefers masturbation to sex does not equal rotten husband, because the emotional intimacy may be just as much her doing as it is his doing. Wife prefers masturbation isn't always problematic. Wife could enjoy rubbing a few out each week because it's faster and easier for her to DIY. 

Masturbation is ONLY a problem when it interferes with actual coupled sex. In OP's case, we don't know that it does because we don't know if his wife actually turns him down for sex, or turns down a passive weak approach for sex, or something else altogether. 

When OP comes back hopefully he will tell us exactly how often he approaches for sex, exactly what he typically does to approach for sex and exactly what happens after that, and if they have discussed it and what he has said what she has said and on and on.

We don't have enough info to make definitive statements yet.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I've never heard numbers quoted even remotely that high. Only 1 in 3 or 4 seems to be the number I see the most often.


I'm sorry, my head must have been somewhere else when I posted it. I meant that 70-80% cannot. I feel reallllllly silly. I went back and fixed it.


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