# Did you ever get closure?



## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

My STBX has admitted to having more than 1 EA early on in our marriage and we moved on from that. I believe there is another one that was going on within the last couple of months,every one that I know of was broken off by the other person involved except for the last one that I suspected and she broke it off. We have already filed and it should be final around the end of August. The main problem I am having is she will not discuss any of them with me to finally give me the closure that I need to move on. She says that she doesn't want to talk about them anymore because she doesn't want to cause anymore pain between us and wants us to move on and continue to build the friendship,that we have been building,which is something that we never really had. We have gotten along better since we have filed than we have in years. We can sit around and laugh and joke about things,discuss our days and actually pay attention to each other. I just really need this closure to help me with letting her go,so I can maybe find someone else in time to share my life with. I was just wondering if anyone else has had to move on without getting closure and how you were able to?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Its been almost six months for me & I still don't know who it is or what went wrong. Well I have my version of what went wrong - what part I may have played but that's it. I know my ex is living with her & is trying to get the kids to meet her (as of right now they want no part of it) I understand you wanting to know - there are times I feel the same - but I'm starting to accept that I will probably never know. I'm trying to see that in the end it wont matter because I didn't decide to have the affair - he did. Hes the one who made the mistake.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

I understand your need to have closure. I still can't get closure that my H didn't just fantasize. He contacted escorts and paid for an AM subscription but will not take any responsibility for doing anything but fantasizing. Granted I found a lot of other stuff (dating site profiles, other email accounts, aliases, etc...) but he only admitted to the above two things (because they were concrete) even though I found things in black and white. So I left and am heading toward divorce without having the closure that infidelity took place. It is maddening to need that closure. And we need it for different reasons. I need it so that I will stop beating myself up for leaving. Or so that I can weed through everything and determine if I can deal with it. But as long as I feel he's lying to me I cannot move forward with healing together or let myself off the hook for giving up. But the reality is we will not get it. So somehow we must let it go. Please tell me if you figure out how.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Why do you want to be "friends" with someone who behaves that way?


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## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

Our friendship will be more for the kids then it will be for us. She seen first hand how hard it was on my oldest daughter because her mother and I have hated each other since we split many years ago and neither of us want to make this any harder on the kids then it already will be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fourwheeler431 said:


> Our friendship will be more for the kids then it will be for us. She seen first hand how hard it was on my oldest daughter because her mother and I have hated each other since we split many years ago and neither of us want to make this any harder on the kids then it already will be.


How does "friendship" feel?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

fourwheeler431, most people who don't reconcile don't get closure in regards to the affairs details and many who do reconcile don't get it either. Really your closure is getting divorced.

Sure this will leave you with baggage and trust issues but sometimes baggage is quite productive. It will keep you from jumping into a relationship too quickly next time around. I dated my wife seven years before popping the question and that long delay was a direct result of learning from past mistakes; not jumping in too fast.

Once she's years past her shameful behavior, she may be glad to tell you everything but hopefully by then you won't care and you won't ask.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Friendly but not friends. All you need to have in order to co-parent effectively. Closure also comes from within, not external.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

First up FW , she wants to continue to build on your friendship, so what your getting a D but the best friends line.
Pretty crook deal mate , how do you feel about that ?
We're friendly and yeah do still get a long very well but it's only superficial and very guarded on my part. l don't sit round for hrs letting it go on , few minutes or if l'm there visiting my d , to me a little light chit chat but it's mainly my d for me and it mainly comes from x.
Any more than that and it'll just leave you feeling like a second choice[not even] piece of sh!t mate so really , you wanna cut that right back imo, no good .

The closure , you sure you wanna know ? Man l had only one serious EA and then she met and om - really neither of us wanted to many details, still don't , 8mths . You might be better finding some other form of closure because if you knew everything about 3 of them , it'll eat at you for years. Do you really wanna allow that ?

Good luck anyway .


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

After 6 years of failed R due to non disclosure, hidden agendas, continuing affairs, wasting money and 1.5 years of current divorce dramas(her). I have resigned myself that I may never be so fortunate to get the closure that I would like. Divorce, eventually, may be the only form of closure I get. I will have to be satisfied with that. My AxW would never disclose anything, because that would actually mean she would have to deal with the sewage of her own making.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

There are multiple paths to closure, only one of them is learning all the details of what the other person did. You are choosing that narrow path as your only way to closure. And choosing that path is dependent on that other person telling you. IMHO that creates in your mind a dependency on the other person and an inability for you to take charge of your own life and move on.
Consider another path to closure.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You are spot on, Maneo. 

Can you offer some suggestions to OP?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ain't no such thing as closure. It's a figment of our imagination. A desire that so very few times come to fruition, or w/ the result we want.

You can't force her or make her answer your questions. Even if she does, will you be satisfied? Truly? It won't change anything. The damage is done. 

Your closure may be knowing that you will never get any closure. That is how it was for me.


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## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

Thanks folks for all of the replies. You have all given me things to think about as I move forward in this journey.


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