# Not excited about the wedding



## Enoxprin (Apr 8, 2014)

Hi everyone. I hope everyone is doing well. I am a frequent reader on these boards and I have posted a few times in the past for everyone's advice and gotten some good advice in the past. Sorry this is kinda long. 

Just a little background info: I met my fiance when I was 22, he was my first serious relationship. We got engaged 2 1/2 years later. We decided to have a long engagement because I am in school and with my schedule and we been saving money for a few different things. Another thing is that we are from different ethnic backgrounds and religions and it has been an uphill battle with my parents. They like him, they just don't like him enough for me to marry him. So now we been engaged for 2 year, our wedding is set for April of next year. The wedding planning is going very slow basically the only planning we have is a venue. 

Last week our friends made a comment that everyone else was more excited about our wedding then me. I think it is true. We been living together for 2 years, we pay bills together, things are going well in our relationship. I mean we have had ups and downs and things have gotten worse but they are finally getting better. 

I have never really been all googly eyes about the wedding or the marriage. I feel like when my friends talk about marriage they just assume that they are gonna stay together forever with no problems and when I come here and read post after post about divorce and cheating and drifting apart I know that it is not going to be easy. Our friends were mortified that I wanted a prenup or that I want us to get some financial counseling instead of church counseling. I guess a part of me is scared of messing up and having my parents say I told you so. I have never really been a fan of making things permanent and this whole signing the wedding certificate and making it permanent kinda freaks me out. I don't know. I just dont have the "OMG I am getting married", posting monthly count downs on fb, constantly calling him my future husband feeling. It is not like I am not excited to be with him. I think I am more excited about our vacation next month then the whole wedding thing. 

SO I guess my question is if how I am feeling is weird or abnormal? and were you really excited for the wedding part of your marriage?


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

I wasn't excited about my wedding. We had a very low key, very small wedding and a reception for family and friends several months later. I never had any doubt that I wanted to be married, though. I was excited about marrying my husband. Not excited about "the big day." I couldn't wait to start our life together. And we didn't wait, lol, we knew each other about 6 months before the wedding. (We didn't live together beforehand.)

Not everyone cares about the wedding, the event, etc. That's not really important. Sure, for many people it can be a lot of fun and very special. But it doesn't mean anything in terms of whether your marriage will be good or bad.

Not being excited about the wedding is one thing.... But it kind of sounds like you're not excited about marriage. And that's a much bigger problem. IMO, you should be excited about the idea of being married to your fiance, of sharing your lives completely, of raising a family (if that's your desire), of growing old together, etc. If that doesn't excite you... maybe marriage isn't the best idea


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this about the wedding (ceremony and party)? Or is it getting married at all that you are not excited about?

My impression that it's both. 

If you're not excited about he wedding, meaning the ceremony and party, you are not alone. To when most people thing about weddings, it's the pretty ceremony and party that they are thinking about. Now I love attending a good wedding party. Someone else pays and I have a good time. It's a win for me. But when I got married it was very low key. To me the party is not what it's all about. 

Now, the marriage. Signing the paper and forming a separate entity called your marriage. Now that's the big one.

To be honest, you are doing yourself a HUGE disservice reading here on TAM and letting it form your opinion of marriage and scaring yourself.

Coming to TAM to find out about marriage is a lot like going to a tuberculosis hospital to learn about life. What do you learn in a TB hospital? You learn that everyone has TB. Then you go home, shower and fear that you now have TB too.

TAM I full of people who are mostly unhappy with their marriage. Most people here have been cheated on.

But let's look at some things....

The statistics for the demographic you are in is that when a man is 30 and over and he marries a woman who is 25 or older and she has a college degree.. the divorce rate is about 25%. And the more education the couple has, the lower the divorce rate.

I agree with being cautious. A prenup is wise if you have a sizable about of assets in your name before your marriage. If you don't... then what are you wanting to put in that prenup?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are just being mature about the whole thing. Too many young women are all googly eyed over the nice dress, cake and preparations that they forget the aftermath and hard work involved in marriage. My ex SIL was like that, when reality set in she ran a mile.

You have a head start because you know marriage is no walk in the park and more so if you are in a mixed marriage. If you are happy with your man, and you have been doing things well so far, there is no reason to continue on this path. As you say you are signing a certificate. The only thing is you have to make a decision to be committed, it is not always about love, stars and heart flutters. You sound very mature for your age which is a huge plus.
Dont worry so much about your parents, mine didn't agree to my mixed marriage either (they are afraid as they know the added difficulties) but in time you can prove them wrong.

So make the most of your wedding, enjoy it and don't worry so much.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

You DO sound mature to be questioning before the wedding. However there are red flags in your thinking that maybe you are not ready or he is not the right one. 

I was excited about my wedding until I allowed my sisters and Aunties to take over and take it over the top. But I was always excited about my future life with my husband. Right after the reception was over and our married life officially began was the best part of the whole day. 

It doesn't matter how many have failed in marriage you can still have a successful one. But honestly it doesn't appear that you are starting with the right mindset. Given what you have presented here it doesn't seem to be a wise decision at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I had a large, elaborate, formal wedding. I planned and oversaw the entire thing myself, and was proud of how well the event went. I like doing event planning, so it was fun for me. But I never saw the wedding as being the really important thing. It was a great party to celebrate the important thing - the marriage itself. Not everyone cares as much about the party, and that's 100% okay. Some people care too much about the party and not enough about what it celebrates - the marriage - which is usually not okay. 

As others have said, not being excited about the wedding is one thing, and honestly of no particular concern. But not being excited about the marriage is a very large potential problem.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Coming to TAM to find out about marriage is a lot like going to a tuberculosis hospital to learn about life. What do you learn in a TB hospital? You learn that everyone has TB. Then you go home, shower and fear that you now have TB too.
> 
> TAM I full of people who are mostly unhappy with their marriage. Most people here have been cheated on.


This. People that comes here are usually looking for help, while people who are fine with their marriages don't feel the necessity to come here.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The wedding is an event. A party and little more. It often comes with a ton of pressure from family and friends. I don't blame you for not being excited. Weddings can be lots of stress and when you think about it it's all about throwing a party for other people.

What you should be asking is are you excited for the marriage. To many think marriage is the end game. It's the beginning and if you're not excited about that then maybe this isn't something to go through with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hubby and I were both far more excited about our marriage than our wedding. We were both looking forward to getting the formalities out of the way so that we could celebrate with our friends.

Our wedding was beautiful - small, elegant and all about love and family. We both love being married.

Are you nervous about the wedding itself or what comes afterward?


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## Enoxprin (Apr 8, 2014)

Well ok so I have a question. Everyone keeps mentioning life after marriage. I am not sure how life changes after marriage. I mean we been living together for 2 1/2 years, we have a joint bank account, we have some assets together. We make decisions about finances together. We already discuss with each other if we are going to spend over $100. We are not planning on having kids for at least another 2 years and we decided to hold off on the house for a while till we know for sure where we want to settle down for good. I think we have a pretty good system worked out for chores and house work. I am excited about the upcoming changes in our life like moving and starting life in a new place. I do enjoy our life together and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. 

How did you life change after marriage?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

We really didn't have a life together until after marriage. We only dated, but did nothing else jointly like living together, putting money together, etc. We did discuss a LOT including buying a house, saving, children, if I would stay home with them, how we were going to handle finances and bill paying, opposite sex friends, etc.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

It won't (shouldn't) change. 

If you see this man as your future husband, then by all means cancel the venue and marry him at a small wedding in someones back yard or at the courthouse. If you don't see him as your future husband quite yet, cancel the wedding entirely and continue living your life until you do feel that way. You can love someone and not have a burning desire to get married. Who says we are supposed to take "the next step?" Who decides what that step is? Society? Nope, its you guys.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think you are being very smart getting a prenup and financial cons eluting before marriage. It put you on the same page and get you both to understand how you feel about money. This is major.

For some people the actual wedding is not so important. I did not care about the wedding. MY aunts, grandmother and cousins were all crazy and planning. I liked everything I did not have to do. So I let them do it all. All I cared about was getting married, saying my vows and my husband. Just tell me where, when and time to show up. I had no energy to plan and execute a wedding. It was just too much. 

You guys are living together already. So you know him and what to expect him to be. You are already sharing everything.

The only thing that changes after the legal wedding is now you are married. The law says so. He is mine and I am his. He cant just pack up and leave without some ramifications. I felt a bit possessive. I know I don't own my husband. But he was my husband. We a team. Me and him together, united.....:smile2: I can go on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Enoxprin said:


> Well ok so I have a question. Everyone keeps mentioning life after marriage. I am not sure how life changes after marriage. I mean we been living together for 2 1/2 years, we have a joint bank account, we have some assets together. We make decisions about finances together. We already discuss with each other if we are going to spend over $100. We are not planning on having kids for at least another 2 years and we decided to hold off on the house for a while till we know for sure where we want to settle down for good. I think we have a pretty good system worked out for chores and house work. I am excited about the upcoming changes in our life like moving and starting life in a new place. I do enjoy our life together and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.
> 
> How did you life change after marriage?


The day to day didn't really change much at all. We had lived together for just over a year before we got married.

But living together and being married are different. I can't even explain why, lol, for me at least, I felt different - in a good way - after marriage.


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