# Latina wife // portion of her part-time salary to expenses?



## edgarfraser (May 11, 2009)

I'm looking forward to caring for my little guy should my wife find some part-time work. A couple of points I could use folks' $0.02 on.

Background: I haven't had much contracting success these days (econ situation; gov paralysis in election year; limited leverageable connections) -- but not without prospects. I'm married to a Latin American woman, with whom I have a small child. Our expenses run ~$2500/month. We'd been living off of: my savings; then off of salary from an IT job I'd d for a year or so (let go because I couldn't meet sales quota); then off incidental consulting work; now again on my readily-depleting savings. I've been chasing work (both contracting and government, easier said than done for someone >40 and experienced) as I obviously need to be. We've been together 3 years. She has huge regret about having left her country (although knows that it is far safer here; that men there weren't to have families with; that she hadn't more than $100 to her name).

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I've got no problem with her doing the odd home-cleaning gig, but if it for a commercial building, for someone who has a legit contract with the owner, I'd like her to be working "legit".

Am I crazy to want that work to not to be "under the table"?
Am I crazy to want her employer, as he is legally required, to insure her with the government against costs for on-site work injury?

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I'm also not comfortable that her sole interest in working is through a relative here, whose wisdom, concern about risks to my wife, and business sense I find questionable: had a senior family member lose $500 because he didn't believe in traveller's cheques and sure enough in the excitement the purse was left somewhere; has lost $Ks on "get rich quick schemes"; has the Latino vision of returning to Mexico someday to have a beach home and a thriving business (which I'm sure he'd see his sister staffing).

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I'm also stuck on the issue of her eventual contribution of some of her earnings to our costs? I've used 99% of my salary -- and when there isn't one, have used my savings.

She did some odd jobs "under the table" in the winter, but nothing of the income went to the family -- except for the cost of her flight to her homeland (I was "asked" to pick up the tab of our little guy's flight). Although it was important for her to reconnect/recharge there, we couldn't afford it -- and if she has $2500 from work, I'd expect that she offer some of that to our family expenses -- more than just the $600 for her own airfare.

Now she's got the prospect of some work -- which I'm helping her land and will also be caring for our little guy (gloriously/gladly on weekends). But I don't get the sense that she wants to put much in to the family expenses (either commitments, short-term needs, medium-term wants, or long-term goals like down payment or child's education). "I'm not putting all of on the family" is all I get.

Clearly she feels straight-jacketed by our financial straights. No, we can't splurge for new fancy plates, a new bed, a new couch, guaranteed 4-6 week vacations to Latin America.

Our rent is high (especially given $0 income), but I don't want to move us into a hovel for fear of her leaving me -- and taking my boy to live with her relative here in even worse a hovel just to spite me.

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Broaching anything with her leads within minutes to a combative, sarcastic, abusive, and soon enough full-on screaming/crying/foaming rant about how I'm not like ex-boyfriends, that I think only of costs, and that she should never ever ever have hooked up with me.

Anyone know when it is OK to take a "time-out breather"? I'm not allowed to leave under threat of her leaving me. If/when I do -- because the threats, ultimatums, screaming, abuse, and general insanity brings me to tears (better that than anger) -- I then feed the next incident because I walked away from a previous discussion -- or "talk" (as she calls it).

(I, incidentally, have no regret, only dismay that I can't get past such things with her calmly and constructively. I have never cheated. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than put all my time, effort, and money -- save an odd hour, dollar, and/or thought or two on guitar, the odd book, and the odd beer -- on my family.)


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Seems you should worry about your lack of bringing in income than to be critical of hers. She seems like someone who will do what she has to.. to make it, including cleaning other peoples commodes.
Maybe you should take the cleaning job until something better comes along.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

Just wanted to say I feel for you. My husband is a contractor (homes) and this year has been tough for us as well. Our bills are over $8000/month. We have also depleted quite a bit of savings. I think it's crazy that your wife may not contribute the money she makes. I've been looking for a job as well but daycare would eat up most of what I'd earn-so I'm trying to find a way to make money at home. 
I think it'd be ideal if your wife's job was "legit" but we all kinda take what we can get right now. The bad thing is that she seems to have no sense of responsibility for your family. Why wouldn't she want to help you? Seems very selfish to me. How was she towards you before the money was an issue? Is she just stressed now because of finances or has she always been hard to talk to? Some people deal with financial problems very badly and say things out of character due to fear of what the future might hold. Is counseling out of the question? (There are sliding scale ones based on income)
I hope everything works out for you and she sees what a good man you are.


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