# Hey ladies help a fella out!



## taser (May 23, 2011)

Ok here it is and I know this is the ladies area, but most of the other fellas out there are a tad bit disgruntled with their current status and aren't much help. Anyway I will try to make this quick. Having issues for filling my wife's thirst and desperate need of a strong emotional bond between us. It's so weird if a buddy of mine has a problem POOF! I turn into Dr. Phil and seem to have great suggestions and insight. As far as helping myself I might as well be Dr. Boob. I want this bond probably as much if not more than she does. I have serious issues communicating and or asking questions that make her truly know that I care. I work a lot so does she, three kids, lots o bills, comfortable home and area. I understand we are wired different (boys/girls) what is important to me may not be to her and vise versa. Any idea what a good game plan would be to work on creating this bond? exercises?? anything?? not much of a reader I have bought three books and made it 13 pages on one. I know right now she feels so alone in her daily battles with her plate overflowing. I have no problem doing more to help her out. I sometimes feel when we are sitting together with no distractions I don't know what to say or what to ask her to spark a good positive conversation with her. Anyone else at work man o man I'm the life of the party. Laughing joking etc. so strange I have numerous women at work who I make Goo Goo on a daily basis and don't even try. Nor is that what I'm looking for, but I can just see it in them ya know, but don't see that in my wife. :scratchhead: GGGRRRR! Anyway any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.....Thanks a lot Ladies!!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I'm a husband, but not quite as bitter as some of the other guys here, so I'll take a crack. Do you know what her love language is? That is a good place to start. 

If you can time it right, try to be spontaneous and romantic. Give her a long, slow kiss out of the blue (10+ seconds). Last night, after a fight, while she was finishing up her evening routine (cleaning the baby bottles, getting the bag ready for daycare, etc.), I lit some candles and opened the 'love songs' channel on Pandora and surprised her with a few minutes of slow dancing. It worked like a charm and she was putty in my hands after she got out of the shower!

Flowers, small gifts and regular date nights are great too, esp. if you aren't especially verbal.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

nader said:


> I'm a husband, but not quite as bitter as some of the other guys here, so I'll take a crack. Do you know what her love language is? That is a good place to start.
> 
> If you can time it right, try to be spontaneous and romantic. Give her a long, slow kiss out of the blue (10+ seconds). Last night, after a fight, while she was finishing up her evening routine (cleaning the baby bottles, getting the bag ready for daycare, etc.), I lit some candles and opened the 'love songs' channel on Pandora and surprised her with a few minutes of slow dancing. It worked like a charm and she was putty in my hands after she got out of the shower!
> 
> Flowers, small gifts and regular date nights are great too, esp. if you aren't especially verbal.


I like it...smart guy:smthumbup:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My thoughts:

- read up on love languages and love banks
- read up on keeping the balance of lover, provider and alpha male on this board (lest your domestic assistance leads to NG syndrome)
- ASK HER how you two can work TOGETHER to lighten the load and distribute the work. Oft times women get over whelmed but are loathe to give up control of their domain. So if she feels strongly about the way the kids are handled, you volunteer to do laundry... 
- Make a regular routine of being alone together for a date time. It does not have to be anything more extravagant that a walk. Or dinner out. Something where you are really together, not tv and movies. Bowling perhaps? So you can laugh and joke about your awful bowling scores?

Then finally ask her what would make her feel more close.

Those are some thoughts to think on. The reading is mostly short articles that you can do in pieces so maybe that would be easier.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

taser said:


> I work a lot so does she, three kids, lots o bills, comfortable home and area. I understand we are wired different (boys/girls) what is important to me may not be to her and vise versa. Any idea what a good game plan would be to work on creating this bond?


Ask her what she needs from you and what she wants you to do.



taser said:


> It's so weird if a buddy of mine has a problem POOF! I turn into Dr. Phil and seem to have great suggestions and insight.


Your wife doesn't need a know-it-all or Mr. Fixit. She needs you to communicate and listen to her.



taser said:


> I have serious issues communicating and or asking questions that make her truly know that I care.!!


Then learn how to communicate better. Unfortunately, it might require reading a book or website. You cannot help yourself if you don't help yourself. 

Effective Communication
Active Listening



taser said:


> I sometimes feel when we are sitting together with no distractions I don't know what to say or what to ask her to spark a good positive conversation with her.


Ask her about something that interests her, concerns her, delights her. Or, say something that is complimentary that shows you notice and appreciate her.

I think you're on the wrong track to compare your wife's desire for a strong emotional bond with your other relationships - friends, co-workers, etc. There is no comparison to think you do well in those areas but not with your wife. More than anything, your wife doesn't want to feel ignored, taken for granted, or taken advantage of.

Also, if you are really clueless as to your wife's needs or how to go about it, the problem might not be on your end. It's possible your wife is as poor at communicating as you are. I don't know what she has said to you, but the request for "a strong emotional bond" can be a bottomless pit of useless efforts if she was unable to tell you how to go about helping her create that bond. It's possible you both need help in that area.

Another thought is that you might have an advantage over her, in that you understand men and women are very different. She might not realize that or might not realize just how different we are. We women have a tendency to expect our men to read our minds or instinctively know what we want. There may be some reading required on your wife's part, as well. Your marriage is a two-way street. The burden is not entirely yours.


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## taser (May 23, 2011)

Thanks ladies, really helpful suggestions here!! Keep it a comin!! Here is the other issue I'm dealing with. We have been together for 13 years. Approx 5 years ago the wife had a emotional affair that ended up turning physical. Of course it was with a "friend" who was down on his luck and moved in with us. "studpid I know" didnt really see it as an issue then. Anyway I was working lond days and our communication had broken down. "friend" would sit home with her and say all the right things and eventually got to what he was looking for. At no time did he truly mean what he said to her. The problem that truly burns my a** is that he was able to reach that emotional bond with her and I to this day can't. How in the heck was he able to "hustle" his way into her soul and I who has true intentions can not? I actually considered asking "friend" how he did it. Well not really, but that's how frustrating it is to me. After it was all said and done when I explained that he has done this before and at no time did he truly mean what he said she still deep down believes that he did. My sister in law went through the same situation months ago and I feel that brought back feelings that my wife had. I intercepted a rather informative text that she sent her saying basically that they had a bond that ran very deep. When questioned she said she had drinks with her sister and didn't know why she would say such a a thing. I even went as far as telling my wife all the other girls he was having relations with while sweet talking my wife and ultimately that didn't bother her or make her see him for what he was a "dog who could spit some game" Anyway the reason I tell this story is because I want what she thinks they had. She seriously would have done anything and I mean anything for him. She was head over heels for him. She was ready to leave me with no thought and start a new life. All because of him creating this emotional bond with her. I have asked her what he did and would say, but we decided it was best to not discuss it anymore and move on. It really does no good to dwell on the past. I just want to know how he did it. Trust me I don't want to "hustle" her and create some fake bond like he did, but how did he know how to figure out her "on" button? Lastly, she truly had 0 physical attraction for him until the emotional bond happened she actually thought he was disgusting. That alone tells me how strong the emotional must have been.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> how did he know how to figure out her "on" button?


By making her feel that she was the most important thing in the world to him. How? Likely, by zoning out all other distractions when she talks to him. By commiserating with her. By agreeing with her. By asking her how she feels, what her dreams are, how that's working for her so far, how her day went, what she wants to vent about...basically being all about HER and not all about HIM.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I know right now she feels so alone in her daily battles with her plate overflowing. I have no problem doing more to help her out.


What does this mean? What daily battles? How is her plate overflowing? Specifics, please.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

taser said:


> Thanks ladies, really helpful suggestions here!! Keep it a comin!! Here is the other issue I'm dealing with. We have been together for 13 years. Approx 5 years ago the wife had a emotional affair that ended up turning physical. Of course it was with a "friend" who was down on his luck and moved in with us. "studpid I know" didnt really see it as an issue then. Anyway I was working lond days and our communication had broken down. "friend" would sit home with her and say all the right things and eventually got to what he was looking for. At no time did he truly mean what he said to her. The problem that truly burns my a** is that he was able to reach that emotional bond with her and I to this day can't. How in the heck was he able to "hustle" his way into her soul and I who has true intentions can not? I actually considered asking "friend" how he did it. Well not really, but that's how frustrating it is to me. After it was all said and done when I explained that he has done this before and at no time did he truly mean what he said she still deep down believes that he did. My sister in law went through the same situation months ago and I feel that brought back feelings that my wife had. I intercepted a rather informative text that she sent her saying basically that they had a bond that ran very deep. When questioned she said she had drinks with her sister and didn't know why she would say such a a thing. I even went as far as telling my wife all the other girls he was having relations with while sweet talking my wife and ultimately that didn't bother her or make her see him for what he was a "dog who could spit some game" Anyway the reason I tell this story is because I want what she thinks they had. She seriously would have done anything and I mean anything for him. She was head over heels for him. She was ready to leave me with no thought and start a new life. All because of him creating this emotional bond with her. I have asked her what he did and would say, but we decided it was best to not discuss it anymore and move on. It really does no good to dwell on the past. I just want to know how he did it. Trust me I don't want to "hustle" her and create some fake bond like he did, but how did he know how to figure out her "on" button? Lastly, she truly had 0 physical attraction for him until the emotional bond happened she actually thought he was disgusting. That alone tells me how strong the emotional must have been.


Illicitness and a common enemy powerful bonds do make.


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## taser (May 23, 2011)

Plate overflowing = job, kids, house, bills, money etc. ya know typical issues that all families have.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

taser said:


> Lastly, she truly had *0 physical attraction for him until the emotional bond happened she actually thought he was disgusting.* That alone tells me how strong the emotional must have been.


Um, what it tells me is that she made sure you thought this, not that it was so. It's a cover story to get you off her tracks.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> By making her feel that she was the most important thing in the world to him. How? Likely, by zoning out all other distractions when she talks to him. By commiserating with her. By agreeing with her. By asking her how she feels, what her dreams are, how that's working for her so far, how her day went, what she wants to vent about...basically being all about HER and not all about HIM.


I just have to comment on this.


I personally feel this is just an unreal expectation. talk about high maintance.If I had to act like this to connect with my wife I'd rather be single.


Don't get me wrong you should have been doing fun things with your wife all along but sometime we lose sight of that with all the stresses of life after kids and jobs and life gets in the way. 




just start dating again plan a date that you think would be fun for both of you.If she balks ask her what the problem is if she lists the things that others mentioned then have your own list of things that are important to you that she dosn't fullfill relationships are a two way street you got to give to get.

the most important person in the world should be you once you make someone else more important then yourself then you lose desire to live life to the fullest and look unattractive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, what specifically does she find overwhelming? No one else does dishes? You leave your socks on the floor? She has to mow the lawn cos you forget? Are you not earning as much as you said you would be so the bills can't be paid?

Trust me, after having an affair, YOU look bad to her. Now that she's compared you. It's what cheaters do. If you want closeness, you have to find out what she REALLY thinks about you. And trust me, she's got a long list of gripes, whether she says them out loud or not. If you can't get rid of those, you won't get close.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Ignore the forum, it's toxic. Just get the questionnaire and leave. Ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what YOU do that causes her unhappiness. Once you know those SPECIFIC things, you will spend the next 2 or 3 months ending those bad habits; it takes that long to stop bad habits. And you have to really want to stop them, don't just 'pretend' to do so - she'll know.

Do this before you tackle any closeness, and she'll warm up to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I just have to comment on this.
> 
> 
> I personally feel this is just an unreal expectation. talk about high maintance.If I had to act like this to connect with my wife I'd rather be single.
> ...


chillymorn, I think you misunderstood me. He asked how the OM got to his wife. IMO, this is HOW the OM did so - by using laserlike focus on her til she gave in. It's an act and a game and, like you say, totally unsustainable. But it works.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> chillymorn, I think you misunderstood me. He asked how the OM got to his wife. IMO, this is HOW the OM did so - by using laserlike focus on her til she gave in. It's an act and a game and, like you say, totally unsustainable. But it works.


sorry I did misunderstand and agree completely


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## JessiTexas40s (May 28, 2011)

Are you really my husband in disguise? lol


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