# Feel no longer can turn to family. Back to just existing...



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well, without getting to windy, it has been brought to my attention that H confides in my mom. Which, I did know to a point and I thought she was doing well at not trying to get caught in middle. She would not tell me things they discussed and supposedly visa versa. 

Well, I went out of town with a co-worker and upon my return mom told me a few things that really bothered me. Guess my first reaction was...you are my mom...not his. Yes selfish and immature, especially since I do know they love each other as MIL and SIL. His mom lives out of state and he doesn't call her or discuss much with her as he says he doesn't like what she has to say. Pretty much an "I told you so" kind of mentality.

So, In speaking with my mom, she has seemed to take slight turn in her thining of me and how I am going about trying to find myself, liking myself, and trying to be confident and independent. After H explained his feelings to her of how he felt in reading my post here, she said maybe I need to rethink what I say??? Mind you, she has print outs of all my post and at was supportive in me coming her to release. NOW...not so much. I think she has finally crossed the line of possibly saying things to him during there talk to help ease his pain for time of conversation and same with me. 

Im so very conflicted right now. First felt bashed about reading a book I bought and started to enjoy until H and the pastor made few comments about it. Then it was me coming here. Now, I feel I have no outlet. H has a few close friends that I know for fact he has been confiding in, plus my mom and he contacted my brother. My brother and SIL have been going to counseling for 2yrs now so he contacted him to get some insight. However, he did say my brother didn't give say much to him as far as advice. 

So...once again, I told my mom I feel like I need to just continue and go back to existing. Be who everyone wants me to be, say and do. At first she supported me if I felt getting out was my ultimate solution. I worry about our daughter and she gave me comfort in saying she would help me with her in making sure she knew she was still loved and family was still the same for her. Now, she says opposite. That I need to think long and hard. I know this! I do!! Obviously as I've been struggling with it for months now. But agian....how fair is it to any of us, me, H and DD if I can't be 100% happy? She deserves both her daddy and mommy happy. I'm not 100% convinced it is together. 

H is going full bore religous which I am resenting. Why? No clue. I have my beliefs but I just do not have the desire of passion for it like he does. So that's a wall I've put up. He wants me to go to the pastor for counseling and I don't because I don't like the bible talk. I'm not a woman who wants to be 'lead' by a man. Not any more. I've let men lead me all my life. I've put men first since I was able to date. Because I reallize that and don't like it or want it, does that make me a villan? 

I'm can't change my feelings. My emotions are on over load and I'm back to where I was before getting anti-depressants of wanting to just sleep my life away as that seems to be only way to now 'hurt' people. I'm not a horrible person I know I'm not. But I allow the things people say to make me feel I am. 

I have no one now to talk to. Maybe I feel I have no one to side with me....and that too is wrong. I feel like every avenue I've attempted to have something for me, myself, he has taken from me. 

First Faceboook to reconnect. Because I didn't dispaly him as my spouse talk about him post pics of him, he got mad. It was the one thing for me. He was my friend on there. I never 'flirted' or did anything out of norm. So cancelled that. So I get the Codependent No More, he and pastor expressed concerns about that, so I'v yet to get back into reading that. Now here, he read 20 of my post and has exploited what I've said to a few friends who one, not sure which, has told him to cut his losses and move on for what I've done here. Per what he said to my mom anyway. Just bothers me it's okay for him to speak to friends his feelings, but I cannot to someone of mine. 

At least here, it's no one who personally knows either of us. Him, well, I know worry which friend said what, feels what, and worry if we do see them or what ever, what are they thinking, are they acting different toward me, should I act different? Come' on!! I want to not give a crap about anyone anymore but me and my daughter. I'm tired of feeling like a bad person when deep down I know I'm not. I'm bad for having a tender spot and being emotionally connected to people is my problem. It makes me weak and insecure. I hate it!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

So he amped up his MO. Couldn't get through to you, so now he's gone to work on your mother and it worked. He just HAD to take the last person you could turn to. 

Start back to reading that book, please.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am so sorry honey. I know that feeling, where it seems like the whole world is against you and no one can even sympathize with anything you are saying. Its a sucky place to be. DO you know what you need to be in happy in life? Have you asked yourself that? Happiness is going to start with you. I can understand you not wanting to see his pastor, I am not a deeply religious person myself, mainly because it seems that a good amount of time time people "pick out" parts of the bible that suit them. 

I would tell you to continue reading the book. Ok, so he knows and he talked to his pastor about it. fine. That is no reason for you to stop reading it. as long as you are not doing something disrespectful to your marriage, it should not be a concern of his.

What do you want for yourself??


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Many husbands turn to religion to "control" their wives. Many religions preach a woman being subservient to a man.
Betcha it wasn't a woman who put the words "honor and obey" in those vows!
And, now he's working on your mom (probably hiding behind the bible when he does it, too) so that you'll feel that you can't turn to anyone who will start giving you "disobedient" ideas.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Many husbands turn to religion to "control" their wives. Many religions preach a woman being subservient to a man.
> Betcha it wasn't a woman who put the words "honor and obey" in those vows!
> And, now he's working on your mom (probably hiding behind the bible when he does it, too) so that you'll feel that you can't turn to anyone who will start giving you "disobedient" ideas.


:iagree: Oh yes. My x-h same way. I told the pastor my H was mean to me, he was abusive. You know what the pastor told me, " the H is the head if that's what he chooses to do then so be it. What are you doing to cause the abuse." Can you frekin believe that.

My x didn't want me to read the Bible he would get mad if I did. I was to believe what he told me was in there.

I say leave and get out. If you want to work on your marriage then work on it with a counselor who won't take sides, and you two living apart. He is working on your family to insure himself they won't give you shelter if you decide to leave him. He's cutting off your life-line.

My x even went as far as to tell everyone I had a mental illness and wanted to institutionilize me. That was right before I walked out the door. I had had enough. Don't be surprised if he does the same.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Thanks everyone. He's now doing the "Fireproof" on me. 40day thing. Not sure why it is bothering me. Again, I still feel I've lost my outlets. I don't come here much as I believe in my heart, he's still lurking. Maybe not. I honestly will never know even if I ask.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I am so sorry and I relate to much of what you say. He is playing very dirty and it offends me. 

You are not alone, I sure hope my writing here doesn't get thrown in my face but if it does... well, risk I could not put off any longer...

Stay strong, read that book, I might too  perhaps we will discuss it soon.


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