# Dealing with a lazy husband...



## TNcountrygirl13 (Jul 23, 2013)

Hi all, I'm new here so take it easy on me 

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years now. It has been rocky for the most part but we have our good days. Lately it seems I can't get him to help with anything around the house. I have to TELL and ASK him to do anything around the house. Even though the yard is his 'job' I still have to remind him to do it because it gets too high and then he has trouble mowing it and complains. 

He's on vacation this week and the kitchen is supposed to be 'my job' but he left it a HUGE mess for me to clean up when I got home. Am I wrong for thinking he should clean up after himself in that case? I don't go out in the yard and throw things down for him to pick up and make more work for him, why should he do that to me? I'm so confused on what's right and wrong to say. If I say something to him he considers it 'fussing' at him.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Has he always been like this? Or is this something new? If its something new, maybe he is depressed? Have you asked him if anything was wrong?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Are you still in Tennessee? If so, when the grass gets really high, go out when he's obviously at home and mow it. Your neighbors will see a Southern woman mowing the lawn and correctly deduce that you're either married to a lazy sack of feces or your husband is dead. If he's had any kind of raising at all, he'll hop off the couch and quickly relieve you of that chore. Shaming is a wonderful motivational tool. A variation of this technique would be to invite his daddy or mama over to the house. I know if my dad showed up and my lawn looked like a jungle, I'd be mortified.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Have you tried to motivate your husband? Sometimes, "laziness" is mistaken with depression. House chores are perceived as commonly being a woman's task, in certain cultures. Try to talk to him and explain how you feel and how important it is for you that he does his share of the house chores.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

hmm. I used to need to be prodded to do the lawn.. I was just lazy. As far as the dishes go, yes, he's being disrespectful and you should explain that to him, probably when he's not high .. 

And that's part of it, you certainly have to realize. I used to be a daily smoker.. not "wake and bake", but every night when I got home from work, and on weekends, I was always smoked up. It wasn't until years after I quit did I finally start to realize how lazy it made me.

I'm definitely still pro-weed, but I do it quite rarely anymore, to the point that 90% of the days of the year, I would pass a drug test lol. Last year, I think I did it once all year. My point is that since I quit and the laziness wore off, I've gotten my motivation back, which has given me my life back. He would likely resist you prodding him to quit, or even cut back. My wife had the same struggle, she took it one step at a time, asking me to stop just one day a week, then after a couple of months, two days a week, etc.. You can do it, and then he will be more receptive to chores and work.

Just my opinion


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Are you still in Tennessee? If so, when the grass gets really high, go out when he's obviously at home and mow it. Your neighbors will see a Southern woman mowing the lawn and correctly deduce that you're either married to a lazy sack of feces or your husband is dead. If he's had any kind of raising at all, he'll hop off the couch and quickly relieve you of that chore. Shaming is a wonderful motivational tool. A variation of this technique would be to invite his daddy or mama over to the house. I know if my dad showed up and my lawn looked like a jungle, I'd be mortified.


I'm sorry but, I disagree. Shaming leads to resentment. It's far from being wonderful or even motivational.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i know how you feel because when I was first married it gnawed at me and angered me and made me very very resentful that we both worked full time, yet I had to repeatedly ask for him to do stuff around the house.

What is your financial situation? if he hates housework/yard work so much, can you pay for someone to do this? how convenient of him to shut you down when you complain and call it "fussing."

He slacks off, and he makes it out like it's your problem. you are not his mother and it doesn't feel good to be one. how lazy of him to make a mess and throw it in your lap because "it's your job."

He should not be dismissing how you feel. You will need to steel yourself and tell him how serious you are about expecting him to step up and not make you his nagging mama. He should want to do his share, if only because it is something that bothers you.

He is lazy. Does he at least pull his weight in other areas, or are you going to have kids with him, and they'll all take on his attitude, especially the boys, that boys are lazy and girls do all the work?


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I have a similar problem with my husband. He does go to work every day which is good, but when he gets home he sits down and watches tv or falls asleep. He rarely helps with anything around the house or with our son, or paying bills either. I feel like a single parent most of the time, and our son is starting to get the same attitude now. He will demand that I bring him stuff, and then say it's ok for him to be lazy because boys don't have to do anything and girls do all the work. I really don't know what to tell you except give him an ultimatum and see if he will go to marriage counseling with you.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership...50/50. I don't subscribe to the old blue-jobs and pink-jobs crap, if the kitchen needs to be cleaned up, either or both of us do it. 

If anything, help him with the outside work (you can garden and wipper-snip while he mows lawn) and he should then help you in the kitchen. When you are cooking, tell him you need help and get him to clean and chop the vegetables, or clean and marinade the meat. If you are the cook, get him to help you prep and clean as you go. This will also give you guys time to talk and bond while you work....you can even put TV on or radio for background noise.

If you feel overloaded, help him with his chores and get him to help you with yours. It makes everything go faster and gives you more time to talk and laugh, have fun....it makes your relationship stronger.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

TNcountrygirl13 said:


> Hi all, I'm new here so take it easy on me
> 
> My husband and I have been married almost 3 years now. It has been rocky for the most part but we have our good days. Lately it seems I can't get him to help with anything around the house. I have to TELL and ASK him to do anything around the house. Even though the yard is his 'job' I still have to remind him to do it because it gets too high and then he has trouble mowing it and complains.
> 
> He's on vacation this week and the kitchen is supposed to be 'my job' but he left it a HUGE mess for me to clean up when I got home. Am I wrong for thinking he should clean up after himself in that case? I don't go out in the yard and throw things down for him to pick up and make more work for him, why should he do that to me? I'm so confused on what's right and wrong to say. If I say something to him he considers it 'fussing' at him.


quit being his mother! let the grass get high if he has trouble doing it then when he complains tell him in a nice way...maybe if you cut it more frequently it wouldn't be such a pain in the a$$. if its get too high cut it yourself if it bothers you.

quit cleaning up his messes. only clean your stuff up. if he complains tell him in a nice way that its rude not to clean up after yourself and he is responsible for his own messes.


after awhile he will either wise up and be better about it or he will act like a child who isn't getting his way.....do you want to be married to a spoiled child. if not then let the chip(or grass clipping )lay where they fall.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Call the city anonymously and complain about your own yard next time. 

Or go out and mow it yourself wearing a skimpy swim suit. Then take money out of your mutual account to pay yourself for doing his work, and buy something for yourself. Be sure to let him know.

Hire a hot young guy to do it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> hmm. I used to need to be prodded to do the lawn.. I was just lazy. As far as the dishes go, yes, he's being disrespectful and you should explain that to him, probably when he's not high ..
> 
> And that's part of it, you certainly have to realize. I used to be a daily smoker.. not "wake and bake", but every night when I got home from work, and on weekends, I was always smoked up. It wasn't until years after I quit did I finally start to realize how lazy it made me.
> 
> ...



You may want to re-read the OP Kaboom. lol When the grass gets too high. Not the husband. Made my afternoon right there.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> Call the city anonymously and complain about your own yard next time.
> 
> Or go out and mow it yourself wearing a skimpy swim suit. Then take money out of your mutual account to pay yourself for doing his work, and buy something for yourself. Be sure to let him know.
> 
> Hire a hot young guy to do it.


passive agressive ...MUCH!

don't really work so well.can he charge her for the chores he dose that she usually dose.

I'd like to hear the other side of the story. you know there are usually two side to a story.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What man worthy of his testicles would lay around on the couch while his wife pushes a mower around the yard? I work two jobs and I can sometimes procrastinate about things around the house, but if my wife starts messing with the mower or a chain saw or trying to lug something heavy, I find I have a new burst of energy. There's no way I'm letting my wife work like a mule unless I'm on my death bed.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I used to like mowing the lawn. When I was pregnant I still liked it. Even then my stupid ex banned me from mowing in month six.


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## Wonderinginnc (Feb 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> *What man worthy of his testicles would lay around on the couch while his wife pushes a mower around the yard?* I work two jobs and I can sometimes procrastinate about things around the house, but if my wife starts messing with the mower or a chain saw or trying to lug something heavy, I find I have a new burst of energy. There's no way I'm letting my wife work like a mule unless I'm on my death bed.


To answer your question, plenty of men. My husband would cheerfully watch me work myself to exhaustion before lifting a finger "to help". He views anything he does as "help" to me as apparently all work is my responsibility.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife loves to work in the yard but she can cruise around on the riding mower. She's not pushing a push mower, pulling a plow, cutting down trees, chopping wood, etc.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> My wife loves to work in the yard but she can cruise around on the riding mower. She's not pushin a push mower, pulling a plow, cutting down trees, chopping wood, etc.


I mowed our lawn 2 or 3X since I've been pregnant and my H was away. I did it because I didn't feel like going to the gym. Took me 3 evening to finish it. It really didn't look too good because it was sort of uneven. My next door neighbor said people were asking her if my H had left me. 

My H couldn't believe the first time. When I asked him how it look he said it's the thought that counts. The 2nd time he was gone so long it need cutting again when he got back so he didn't really notice. The 3rd time he told me he appreciate it but quit it.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I do all of the lawn mowing, shoveling, and I know how to split wood. Sometimes a girl has to do what a girls gotta do. H will usually join me if he sees me out there, but he rarely is the one leading the way. I kind of like these activities though, and H despises them. I try to do all of that when he can't see me, then he doesn't feel guilty for not doing it himself. 

If people aren't happy with the division of labor a conversation needs to happen. I can either do the job myself, or I have to accept how somebody else does it. I can't dictate how and when they do their work. Or you can hire someone to do it.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I do all of the lawn mowing, shoveling, and I know how to split wood. Sometimes a girl has to do what a girls gotta do. H will usually join me if he sees me out there, but he rarely is the one leading the way. I kind of like these activities though, and H despises them. I try to do all of that when he can't see me, then he doesn't feel guilty for not doing it himself.
> 
> If people aren't happy with the division of labor a conversation needs to happen. I can either do the job myself, or I have to accept how somebody else does it. I can't dictate how and when they do their work. Or you can hire someone to do it.


I agree - I really don't complain, I just do what I need to do. I don't mind mowing the lawn, but I really hate the snow removal part. My hubby takes the garbage and recyclables out once a week, and that's his job. Other than that, I do what needs to be done. Sometimes I wish he could be handy and do some home repairs, but I guess not everybody is cut out to do that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Giro flee said:


> I do all of the lawn mowing, shoveling, and I know how to split wood. Sometimes a girl has to do what a girls gotta do. H will usually join me if he sees me out there, but he rarely is the one leading the way. I kind of like these activities though, and H despises them. I try to do all of that when he can't see me, then he doesn't feel guilty for not doing it himself.
> 
> If people aren't happy with the division of labor a conversation needs to happen. I can either do the job myself, or I have to accept how somebody else does it. I can't dictate how and when they do their work. Or you can hire someone to do it.


My wife is more than capable of working like a mule. I figure if that was her function in life, she would have come with a harness. The Ox has his job, the cow has her's, the Rooster his, the hen, her's. They don't feel the need to sit around discussing the fairness of labor division and neither do I. I've got the penis, so I'll do the grunt work unless I'm dead, dying, or deployed. My mama didn't raise me to sit around watching women pull stumps. Guess that makes me old fashioned, but some things don't need to be tinkered with.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, I agree with some of the others, you could always mow the yard or do a few more things around the house etc. However, even if you mow, you're still left with a husband who apparently is sitting around doing nothing for whatever reason, which is what needs to be dealt with.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If he does things when told to (asked is better) then I don't see a problem.

He doesn't place chores high on his list, and would rather do something he likes to do. He's not unique in that. I say if he does them when you ask, then you are better off than most.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Unbelievable is so right! No good man lets his wife push around the mower in the hot sun while he is laying around lazy, especially if he doesn't help around the house. Its embarrassing to have a yard that is high. If it were me, I would tell him that if he doesn't make a schedule and mow it regularly, then you want to hire someone to come do it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My husband won't let me near the mower because "no wife of his needs to do yard work", and what if the neighbors see? I mowed the grass once when he was out of town for 10 days and it had been raining a lot. He made sure the neighbors knew he wasn't there. Now my older son is 12 and as big me so if my hb couldn't do it my son would, so it looks like my mowing days are over, at least for now. I actually think my son would be embarrassed if I mowed the lawn and he was around, he got that from my hb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I really do not understand why would the neighbours talk if a woman cuts the grass in the garden-is it an American thing?
I have always cut the grass, ( with an electric lawn mower),I like it. I also cut the grass with a streamer on a hill which is 70% steep. I dig all the weeds from the flower beds.

When I buy wood in September, I move and stack 1.5 tonnes in the garage.

On the other hand, OH does his vegetable garden and sorts out watering systems.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think it's a southern thing. I've never heard of that around here.


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## Queen (Mar 19, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Are you still in Tennessee? If so, when the grass gets really high, go out when he's obviously at home and mow it. Your neighbors will see a Southern woman mowing the lawn and correctly deduce that you're either married to a lazy sack of feces or your husband is dead. If he's had any kind of raising at all, he'll hop off the couch and quickly relieve you of that chore. Shaming is a wonderful motivational tool. A variation of this technique would be to invite his daddy or mama over to the house. I know if my dad showed up and my lawn looked like a jungle, I'd be mortified.


I think that you are yet to meet some people that do not feel/have an iota of shame. In fact, they will wait until you are done mowing and tell you that you did a fantastic job!!


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Just my two cents here...but I think every couple goes through this problem at various periods in life. 

Here's the big thing I learned from my husband: His eyes don't see the same thing mine do. 

I used to yell at him "WHY DON'T YOU JUST HELP ME AROUND THE HOUSE?!"
His reponse: "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU!?!"
My response: "BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO KNOW!"

*record scratch*
Wait...what? My husband isn't a mind reader. He also doesn't care as deeply about a clean house the way I do. I walk into a dirty kitchen and feel disgusted. He walks into a dirty kitchen and doesn't even notice the mess. 

After YEARS of going round and round with it, I've learned, if I just ask, he'll do it. And over time...I stopped asking and it still just got done. 

I know how annoying it is to have to ask for help with something that shouldn't require any asking (at least, it's obvious to us.) But if you make asking a habit, and simultaneously explain why it's important to you (bottom line, ignoring that stuff is disrespectful to us...most guys just absolutely don't understand that.) Keep it up for awhile, and I'm willing to bet you'll be pleasantly surprised. Good luck!


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Mine would consider that nagging.....


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Couldn't it just be a weekly/monthly house and yard chore schedule?

At least then the OP would not have to ask every single time something needed to be done, and H cannot say he 'didn't know' what he was supposed to do.

I tried to do this with my H, but he was so P-A/NPD he would shut down and refuse to discuss any division of house labor at all. The upshot was he didn't feel he should have to do any of it.


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