# Did I make a mistake?



## angelsoft (Apr 29, 2011)

I'm sorry if this gets long and complicated, but our situation is long and complicated. I met my husband online in Jan 2007. He was in Japan and came out here on a student visa, allowing us to do the dating thing. Things were good at first but then I got pregnant and they started to get a little tense. We had lots of fights and arguments and it wasn't a happy time. Eventually he returned to Japan and we tried to patch things up. It takes a while, there's some big bumps along the way but we finally fix things. After a long Visa process and lots of money, he finally came out here in January of this year and we got married.

I think at this point I should mention something about myself. I dislike affection from people, men specifically. It's something I've always dealt with and doesn't stem from any sort of abuse or anything. It's just how I am. And sex is a chore. On top of this....I don't think I ever loved him. But I never thought that was an issue since I've never loved anyone I ever dated. So I figured it was normal for me. Don't get me wrong, I do care for him a lot but....the intensity isn't there. Obviously that's causing problems...along with many other things.

Ever since the wedding we've argued and fought and just been unhappy. He's suddenly turned into a clean freak (he wasn't before), and I'm a a bit of a slob. He moved his computer and equipment (he does online jobs) into a spare bathroom to get away from the 'mess' of the house. He stays in there all day, basically ignoring me and our daughter. I finally told him that needed to stop and he told me it was because I never smile at him. He's started saying he doesn't feel any love from me and has asked me on numerous occasions if I even love him anymore. I've dodged the question or outright lied each time... I feel like such a heel but I don't want to tell him the truth.

And the truth is, I'm not happy. I don't like this marriage thing. I know he's getting frustrated because we don't have sex often. Last night I got him angry because I turned him down because of my monthly. At which we got into an argument, him wanting me to tell him the MINUTE I realize it's starting and me feeling that's ridiculous. He began talking about how this wasn't a marriage, there wasn't any love or affection. Saying how he's THIS close to just calling it quits and moving back to Japan. Part of me wants that but part of me doesn't.

My friends and family have ALL told me, I was much happier alone. They've noticed a change in my personality. But....I don't feel I'm in a situation to break it off. I have no job, no savings. I've been unemployed for 4 years now to raise my daughter. The job situation in my area is dire and if we were to divorce, I could very feasibly lose my house. I know if we end it, I'll never see any money from him. And that's constantly in the back of my mind. Also, something more horrible (in my mind) would happen. It would tear him apart because I know he does love me. And I'd let down his family. I'd cause him horrible embarrassment among his family. I'd very likely cause my daughter to be cut off from his side of the family (it's a cultural thing). 

It's just...we haven't even been married 3 months and it's already this bad. I don't see how it can get any better because I don't care.

Edit: Basically...I'm just not sure if I should tough it out and hope things get better or just give up....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense intended... But have you gone through counselling for yourself? It seems that you might have some issues to work through.

Given what you've said (you dislike affection, sex is a chore, you never loved him, you just don't care), did you let him know any of these things prior to marrying him? Or did you marry him under false pretenses? Why don't you want to tell him the truth now? Wouldn't it be better (more fair) to him to know now at least what you really feel?

Honestly, it seems that you should start working on your issues separately, or tell him how you feel about the issues mentioned above and let him decide if he's willing to continue with the marriage (maybe with counselling). Otherwise, it seems that your relationship is doomed, and you should start making plans for being on your own. Hoping for things to get better is not a plan. So start finding a way to support yourself (and your daughter), since it seems that's one of your big reasons for staying.

C


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## angelsoft (Apr 29, 2011)

PBear, no I haven't gone through counseling. It's just how I've always been so it seems normal to me. But he did know I disliked affection and had a low libido before marriage. He said it wasn't a problem but apparently it's turning into a problem. As for the love thing, well...again it's always something that's been normal for me. I figured caring a lot for someone WAS love, since I had never felt anything stronger. At one point after my daughter was born, I broke everything off with him. We were engaged at that point. I later found out he attempted suicide. So knowing that is making it even more difficult for me to be truthful with him. But, I'm willing to try marriage counseling if he is. It's been mentioned before however, I get the impression he feels it's a waste of time. So we'll see...


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