# Recent Separation



## bobnosnarb (Oct 18, 2019)

Hello, I'm a 42 year old man been married to a wonderful woman for almost 16 years and we've been together for almost 20. We have 2 children a boy 14, and a girl 11. A couple weeks ago my wife came home from a conference and said she was not happy and hasn't been happy for several years. I was dumbfounded. I guess I knew she hasn't been happy for a while, and we've had a few issues in our marriage but we seem to always get through and move forward.

What I didn't see was the the work she was putting in to help our marriage and get us more connected. She has been working on this marriage for years and I have not been trying. I haven't seen the signs or have and choose to ignore them. I think my biggest problem is communication. We don't communicate with each other and that is mostly on me. And I see that now and also recognize when we were having trouble we didn't really talk about the main issues. It would normally be some apologies and forgiveness, regret and then lead into sex, which has always been good. Then it would go to the wayside. The underlying problems never came to the surface until now.

So here we are. She has asked me for space, I don't want to move out and she hasn't come out and said that yet so I'm sleeping in the garage and trying to give her as much space as I can. I don't think she thinks it's enough though. I guess it seems like she is pushing me further away and I just want to stay as close as I can. We started counseling last week. I don't think she really wants to go, although she says we need to. I guess my biggest frustration is I want to try but she has put up a wall and blocked me out and I don't know what to do. I spend all day trying to find ways to fix my marriage. I know I've hurt her and I'm trying to get her to see that I truly am sorry and want to see if we can fix this. She says she is trying and I can see it a little but I feel her slipping away. She says she doesn't know if she can let me back in. After the damage I've caused I don't blame her.

I want to work on me and making myself a better man but I don't want to lose her in the process. I guess I just need some advice. Is there anything I can do, or do I just trust in God and pray and see what happens? I know I can't control her, her thoughts or actions or the future and I think this is what I'm trying to do. But I just want to show her I can be better. Should I give her more space by moving out? Do I just completely quit trying to communicate with her except for communication about our kids? Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Just to get it started, because it is going to need to be checked:

Is she talking to other people? Do you have access to her phone, phone records, etc? Has her behavior changed recently (going out more, being gone more, hiding phone, locking phone, etc)?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ah... the "I need space" thingy... well, you haven't been paid attention to her and she's found another man... 

I hope not, but the need for space is a classic sign.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I am faithful, but God has nothing to do with your marriage. Now it may truly be too late. And this is the slap in the face and wake up call. Are you physical with her or the kids? Or when you say lack of communication is it your way or the highway? Are you a bully? What ways do you ever let her lead? Share how exactly you hurt her? This way we don't have to guess and then can offer the best help to you.


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## bobnosnarb (Oct 18, 2019)

That has been an issue in the past and it's actually one of the issues we went through. She was messaging an old friend, but she told me about it. Said she was helping him through some problems. I found out it was a little more than that. She was going to him for emotional needs that I wasn't giving her. So, anyway the past 4 years since this happened I haven't given her much privacy regarding her phone. She thinks I spy on her all the time, which I have, but don't do it constantly. I haven't been able to fully trust her since then. This is one thing I need to work on. Anyway she is adamant that there is no one else. And I believe her.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

1) Get back in your own bed and stop sleeping in the garage FFS
2) Embrace MC - go and be an enthusiastic participant
3) Find yourself a good IC and work through your own issues. Figure out why you have a hard time communicating and how you can get better at that
4) Physical exercise - not sure what kind of shape you're in, but make sure you're getting your physical outlet. Gym 3-5 times a week, outdoor hobbies, etc. This will help with your mental state as well.

Bottom line - make yourself a better man.

Look your situation is very common unfortunately. Good that you can recognize your part in the problems in your marriage, but it takes two to tango. It's not all your fault.

And yes it is suspicious that your wife laid this on you after returning from a conference.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

So you are the marital police, and wants her space means l want to be with the other man. And test the waters. It's becoming clearer why your in this stage now. But my other questions are still needs to be answered, so prior to 4 yrs ago what was happening?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Try to find out who her boyfriend is.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And the next thing you hear is ILYBNILWY, (I love you but I'm not in love with you.) Then it's done Checked out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tex X said:


> 1) Get back in your own bed and stop sleeping in the garage FFS
> 2) Embrace MC - go and be an enthusiastic participant
> 3) Find yourself a good IC and work through your own issues. Figure out why you have a hard time communicating and how you can get better at that
> 4) Physical exercise - not sure what kind of shape you're in, but make sure you're getting your physical outlet. Gym 3-5 times a week, outdoor hobbies, etc. This will help with your mental state as well.
> ...


Yes, all of this. Get back in your own bedroom. If she wants out, then SHE can get the hell out. Stop accomodating her! Tell her a timeline that she needs to be out of the house. (no you cant legally kick her out but that doesnt mean that you dont push her to go) She is cheating on you, she doesnt deserve to stay in your home.


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## bobnosnarb (Oct 18, 2019)

Some of the communications problems is I am controlling, but mostly I don't express my feelings well with her or anyone really. I don't think I've been able to fully love her or let her love me. I think it leads back to my father and a past girlfriend. This is another thing I want to work on. How to open up. I think I've put up a wall also.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, all of this. Get back in your own bedroom. If she wants out, then SHE can get the hell out. Stop accomodating her! Tell her a timeline that she needs to be out of the house. (no you cant legally kick her out but that doesnt mean that you dont push her to go) She is cheating on you, she doesnt deserve to stay in your home.


Listen to this woman.


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## bobnosnarb (Oct 18, 2019)

The reason this happened after the conference was she met with a friend who just recently started going through a divorce. I think talking to her just made her finally realize the same thing was happening in our marriage and it gave her the courage to tell me. I do truly believe she was not cheating on me, although at this point she could be messaging other guys. I appreciate all the tough love. It's encouraging, but there are some things I need to work on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

bobnosnarb said:


> Some of the communications problems is I am controlling, but mostly I don't express my feelings well with her or anyone really. I don't think I've been able to fully love her or let her love me. I think it leads back to my father and a past girlfriend. This is another thing I want to work on. How to open up. I think I've put up a wall also.


Dude. Get hold of her phone. You dont get to wallow about all your shortcomings until you verify her cheating. If there isnt another man, then you deal with this stuff. (there is)


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Controlling, isn't a good sign. You may have given her the permission to seek empathy from another. And no one really want to be with a control freak. You father is not you, and you should have been your own man. Don't deflect the blame take it all. IDK, your honesty is good but maybe too late.


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## bobnosnarb (Oct 18, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> And the next thing you hear is ILYBNILWY, (I love you but I'm not in love with you.) Then it's done Checked out.


This is true, she is checked out.


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## bobnosnarb (Oct 18, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> So you are the marital police, and wants her space means l want to be with the other man. And test the waters. It's becoming clearer why your in this stage now. But my other questions are still needs to be answered, so prior to 4 yrs ago what was happening?


Prior to 4 years ago I guess I thought everything was fine. We had just moved back to our home town a couple of years prior. The kids were good, keeping us busy, I think we were just not connected, not spending time with each other. She seemed sad I guess. Sad the kids were growing up and not needing her as much and that I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs. Nothing really stands out. Just seemed like a normal marriage I guess. Ups and downs but looking back I didn't work at trying to be there for her and working on the marriage with her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry man, but don't play the pick me game. It weakens your value, and you become the polar opposite. Get back as it was said to your room. And do what 3x said, and when you find it's true. Why would you want to stay, she done. It's been said countless time marriage is 50/ 50 but cheating is 100% on them.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but do find it out and the other dude getting the divorce is just icing for your WW( wayward wife).


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

bobnosnarb said:


> That has been an issue in the past and it's actually one of the issues we went through. She was messaging an old friend, but she told me about it. Said she was helping him through some problems. I found out it was a little more than that. She was going to him for emotional needs that I wasn't giving her. So, anyway the past 4 years since this happened I haven't given her much privacy regarding her phone. She thinks I spy on her all the time, which I have, but don't do it constantly. I haven't been able to fully trust her since then. This is one thing I need to work on. Anyway she is adamant that there is no one else. And I believe her.


Well you would be a fool to believe her... 

But if she had an affair, which is what she had BTW, and you did not re-engage in the marriage, well that is kind of stupid is it not? 

She is probably done, she probably already has a new BF, you are probably was too late...


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