# No clue



## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

A little background we have been married 13 years... history of cheating for both. Around 5 years ago I discovered an affair she was having with an ex... who was also married. My wife and this guy made all sorts of plans to divorce and then get with each other but in the end the guy ended up with his best friends wife instead... my wife seriously committed herself to our marriage for a very short time after and everything was better for a time after... then she did it again and again. It seems like nothing I do makes things any better.

I tried to talk to her about her most recent affair and like always only got denials... since then I have been withholding affection I am leaving for a few weeks for work for half a month. I told her two nights ago that I intend to get a place of my own when I get back. Her response to that was to only ask if that is what I want... it really isnt... I am going to miss being physically present every day with my kids... being able to afford going on vacations twice or more a year. But I do not see any other option and am kicking myself in the ass for not being a decent person and getting a divorce instead of cheating 10 years ago...

She hasnt said much since I told her... in fact we havent even talked about it at all. I think she is hoping I will change my mind and go back to being content with the way things are...


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to expose her to all of your family/friends/etc. that she is a serial cheater. How you put up with this for so long is something only you can answer.

Nothing YOU can do to make things better, because it isn't YOU doing this. It is HER issue and lack of morals that she continually cheats. She doesn't even sound the least bit remorseful. You def. need to move on from this pos.

Get to a lawyer asap, get your financials in order, and get your plan together. She doesn't seem to care one way or the other, so don't let her control the situation.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Questions to provide more insight;

- 10 years ago when you cheated. Please elaborate on that situation, how it came about, how long it lasted, how it broke off and how your wife found out and handled it.
- After your affair were you guys both ALL IN for fixing the marriage.
- Before the affair 5 years ago, were there any signs of her being unhappy in the marriage, maybe even signs of an affair from her before that
- When she had her affair 5 years ago, how did you find out details of it breaking off when he broke it off with her?
- You say she is doing it again and again now, with the same person from 5 years ago, a new person, new multiple people?


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I hope you do move out and in to a place 
of your own. Sounds like she has been doing 
what ever with who ever she want's for to long.
You have been tolerating it. Why ? She seems to 
think she can continue her behavior and you will do
nothing. 

Take your life back divorce her and find someone better.
Do you think she will change? She was planning
on divorcing you. Why wait and then lose everything and have to 
fight for custody of your kids ? This sounds like it may be a potential
toxic situation for your kids also. 

Take care of yourself and your kids. Kick her to the curb quickly.
She is not worth your time obviously.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sa58 said:


> I hope you do move out and in to a place
> of your own. Sounds like she has been doing
> what ever with who ever she want's for to long.
> You have been tolerating it. Why ? She seems to
> ...


All of this.. :iagree:


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

From what you said, if you want a wife that doesn’t cheat, go through with the divorce.

Honestly, if you cheated first, you set the table and she just sat down to eat. She lost her love and respect for you when you cheated, or she would have just wound up a cheater all along. You’ll never know. 

Nothing to do here but divorce. Really. She won’t change just because you’d like her to. Her silence basically tells you that.


----------



## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Questions to provide more insight;
> 
> - 10 years ago when you cheated. Please elaborate on that situation, how it came about, how long it lasted, how it broke off and how your wife found out and handled it.
> - After your affair were you guys both ALL IN for fixing the marriage.
> ...


I had multiple one night stands... never any serious attempt at another relationship. First time I confessed because I felt guilty and wanted to work on things and the second time the girl found my phone number and texted me after... I didnt get caught the times after.

No after the discovery of my cheating she definitely withdrew emotionally... not that I can blame her... in hindsight yes I do think she at least had an emotional affair prior to my affairs and probably over the years.

I found about her affair ending via the OM's ex-wife... I think I found out about him and his friends wife before she did.

It was someone different the time before last... this most recent time I have refused to snoop or try to find details... I think it is pretty irrelevent at this point.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Aaronk78 said:


> I had multiple one night stands... never any serious attempt at another relationship. First time I confessed because I felt guilty and wanted to work on things and the second time the girl found my phone number and texted me after... I didnt get caught the times after.
> 
> No after the discovery of my cheating she definitely withdrew emotionally... not that I can blame her... in hindsight yes I do think she at least had an emotional affair prior to my affairs and probably over the years.
> 
> ...


Damn dude, no matter what causes the end of a family, unless it's violence, it's always sad. I don't think we'll ever know if she was someone that would have been your wife forever, hadn't you cheated in the beginning or someone that was destined to do it anyway and that's what makes it even more sad but none of that even matters now in terms of what needs to happen.

The fact that her affairs were with different people throw out one theory that she feels that guy was something extra special, her real soulmate, whatever. The fact that it has been multiple guys now means the pattern has been set and will most likely never change. 

For your kids, for you and for her, best thing you can do now is go forward with an amicable divorce with the family's best interests in mind. I get the feeling that both of you have burdens to bare and that may neutralize the aspect that happens in many divorces where it turns bitter and one side feels completely entitled to everything. 

- 50/50 custody
- work on splitting the physical possessions
- have the lawyers draw up the rest
- get yourself some individual counseling


----------



## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> From what you said, if you want a wife that doesn’t cheat, go through with the divorce.
> 
> Honestly, if you cheated first, you set the table and she just sat down to eat. She lost her love and respect for you when you cheated, or she would have just wound up a cheater all along. You’ll never know.
> 
> Nothing to do here but divorce. Really. She won’t change just because you’d like her to. Her silence basically tells you that.


Yep.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Aaronk78 said:


> I had multiple one night stands... never any serious attempt at another relationship. First time I confessed because I felt guilty and wanted to work on things and the second time the girl found my phone number and texted me after... I didnt get caught the times after.
> 
> No after the discovery of my cheating she definitely withdrew emotionally... not that I can blame her... in hindsight yes I do think she at least had an emotional affair prior to my affairs and probably over the years.
> 
> ...


You basically made your own bed. Funny how you tried to minimize your behavior and magnify hers. Honestly, I think you should both stay married to protect others from each of you.

But the responses are an interesting study....


----------



## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Aaronk78 said:
> 
> 
> > I had multiple one night stands... never any serious attempt at another relationship. First time I confessed because I felt guilty and wanted to work on things and the second time the girl found my phone number and texted me after... I didnt get caught the times after.
> ...


My hope is that the split will be amicable... I know I do not have to worry about her attempting to screw me over financially... in the past when divorce was brought up it was the opposite problem... she did not want anything. I do not think it is fair to the kids to be displaced or have to live a drastically lower standard of living because of our failings...


----------



## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Aaronk78 said:
> 
> 
> > I had multiple one night stands... never any serious attempt at another relationship. First time I confessed because I felt guilty and wanted to work on things and the second time the girl found my phone number and texted me after... I didnt get caught the times after.
> ...


Please advise what lead you to believe that I tried to minimize my behavior at any point? 

Great attempt at an insult but the whole issue is that we are in fact not protecting others by staying married. The first part of your post seems to imply you understand that...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know you need to end this. But I am curious... what made you do all those one night stands? Nothing makes it ok, I was just curious as to the thought process. I hope that you are working on yourself so that you do not do this to any of your partners in the future. 

You are both better off without each other.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Aaronk78 said:


> Please advise what lead you to believe that I tried to minimize my behavior at any point?
> 
> Great attempt at an insult but the whole issue is that we are in fact not protecting others by staying married. The first part of your post seems to imply you understand that...


I'm going to guess what she took as a minimization but I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt but I also noticed this right off of the bat.

Your affair(s) were the last thing mentioned and almost as an afterthought. I think in most cases where people are taking things head on, they start with their own indiscretions, especially when in the timeline, it came first.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yeah, "history of cheating for both" is a bit of a minimization and doesn't give us any indication of who wronged whom first. I think once you showed her that you thought of the marriage as shït, she ran with that idea. She tried to force herself to recommit, but just couldn't. But yeah, it appears that she's still practicing infidelity while you gave it up long ago. So I'd consider you ahead in the virtue department at this point. Divorce or get some serious marriage counseling.


----------



## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

To be honest I do not know which one of us cheated first... nor does it matter. It wasnt my intent to minimize my behavior... Things were not good between us back then... but I cant say why I continued... once was a mistake and it not only did not fix things but made me feel worse even while I was doing it. Hence my adding in my post how I wish I had been a better person in the beginning and not done that. I also do not think my being in a morally superior in the present moment puts me above her... regardless we are not meeting each others needs and my past failings play a role and we need to move on.


----------



## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

You'll be better off divorced.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Cheating is never a mistake, it is a choice. Doesn't seem like it was a very satisfying choice either.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children are very observant. They know when things aren't right -- even if they don't know the details. And they tend to repeat that same pattern when they're adults. 

It's long past time for you to get a divorce and move on.


----------

