# Have his lies over addiction killed us?



## [email protected] (Mar 19, 2013)

Sorry this is so long...
My husband and I got married 2 years ago, although we have been together for 6. When we first met, I discovered a bag of needles in his room and said I would leave but he convinced me to stay as he wasn't using any more and this had been the wakeup call he had needed, so I did as I trusted his word. But told him if he ever slipped uo again I would leave.

About 8 months ago, I walked into the bathroom of our house and found him with a needle in his arm. I was so shocked that I slapped him, i threatened to call the police (which he begged me not too) then i took his wallet and phone so he could'nt get more and told him to go stay in our spare room, which he did. He realised he had stuffed up badly and didnt even try to justify it. The next morning we cried together and talked about what would happen, I told him I wanted to leave but if he undertook some rehab classes and got us councelling we could try to make it work because i loved him and actually felt party responsible for this "relapse" I though i hadnt given him enough love, or sex or attention. That same morning he admittd to me he had used drugs about 7 times in the past while we were together, most of those occasions I had felt something wasnt right but he had gotten so angry with me and been so adament that I always ended up feel really guilty for accusing him "wrongly", so that was a shock. He went to see a rehap councellor 3 times over 3 weeks then stopped as he said it wasnt helping.

Then, 3 months and 11 days ago, I saw the bathroom light on late at night and popped my head in, this time I found him with a whole bag of needles, spoons, lighters and blood filled used needles. I saw red and felt so sick, grabbed the bag, expecting him to admit defeat again and slink away like a naughty puppy. But as soon as I grabbed the bag he yelled at me, "thats mine!" I cried out through my tears while holding the bag "you dont need to do this, your going to loose everything, i dont want you to get hurt, or killed because i love you too much!" But he flipped out and dove at me for the bag, I ended up on the bathroom floor, with him on top of me fighting for the bag. I wanted to do everything i could to stop this from happening again so i tried to bend all the needles in the bag so they would brake and not work but i wasnt strong enough and just as i got them to bend in half he took his free arm and put it around my neck to make me let go. My voice went all funny and I remember saying "please, look what your doing to me, you love me" then I stated seeing colours and i could here my heart beating in my ears so i let go. He snatched up all his goodies and took off out the door. I got up and yelled for help (our housmate wasnt home but i didnt know that) and took off out the door behind him to try to stop him. I called a friend (the housemate) and when he saw my scratches and scrapes i told him what had happened. I was worried My hisband would see this as the final straw and shoot up all of what he had and die. I wanted to call the police to help find him but my friend told me itd be pointless. So after about an hour of driving around looking for him in alleys and things i went home and tried to call his mom to tell her her son might not be around the next day. I went to bed with an old tshirt of his, breathing in his scent because i genuinly didnt expect to see him alive again. I cried all night.

Since that horrible night things have gone from bad to worse. He went to NA for 2 classes but quit becasue it made him uncomfortable. He has had 3 months and 11 days to find us a councellor so we can get an opinion on if it can be salvaged or not and nothing has happened (well, he found out the cost and it stopped there - even though i offered to pay for MY sake at least.) but last night we got in an argument about him going to martial arts every night ( well, 5 nights a week - not sunday or thursday) he got mad and said "but its what i enjoy doing!" as if that should be more importaint than our marriage. He also said i was just trying to controll him. 

He admits the drugs have almost ruined us but wont man up and fix what he has done. Whenever I reach boiling point and demand somehting has to change, he pretty much just agrees with me, like "YOU think YOU'VE had enough - well I have, too" like he has no empathy. I think I know what I need to do (just from reading what ive typed here) But i need to feel like i still have value and i feel like ive deminished my value so much in this relationship that im starting to believe there is something wrong with ME...

Im reaching out to someone, anyone, that can help me through this. I havent told anyone but the housemate what happened and even he doesnt know about the choking. I dont want to burden my friends and family with this and i (for some reason) dont want to damage my hubbys reputation. I just want to feel like I have worth again. I feel like if i could handle the betrayal, i would just go have an affair to hurt him back but im not a vindictive person, and something in me still loves him. I dont want to change who i am to stoop to that level.

Please help! I used to like who i am but now i just feel taken for granted. I feel like im not a good person anymore. If a drug addict doesnt even want me, who will?
Never thought ide be [email protected]

Thankyou so much for letting me get that out - I can breath again now.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sorry but he won't change until he hits rock bottom. And having you there and a place to stay ISN'T rock bottom.

Break your ties with him now. Tell him when he's clean you can discuss some sort of relationship with him but not until then.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

There is nothing is wrong with you, you are as fine as when you got married. its addicts talk, they make you feel like you are the worse person in the face of this earth, dont believe what he says, addicts love to manipulate and make everything seem it is your fault, you have not done anything wrong and nothing is wrong with you either. You need to start loving yourself again and take care of yourself otherwise you wont able to help him either. I have few addict family member and they always blame their problems on other people, nothing is never their faults. So, dont blame his problem on yourself, and he if doesnt admit that he has problems the addiction counseling wont work. He has to be willing to admit the problem first and then accept the help. All changes come from him. Good luck and remember to love and take care of yourself..


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Good advice Chris..


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

(((Unloved)))

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there myself, and it is a horrible, lonely, place to be. I am glad you reached out for help, it is the first step and a huge one that is very difficult to do.

The first thing that struck me was you thinking if you had been a better wife he would stop, that it was somehow your fault. I absolutely felt that way myself. But, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You could be the best wife, mother, person in the world and it would make no difference to his addiction.

You are right, he has no empathy. He is lost in his addiction and that is all he cares about, he sees you as an impediment to continuing to use. It makes the addict very nasty and condescending. It is very hard, but try to remember this is someone who will do and say anything to hold onto his drugs and is trying to validate what he is doing by any means possible. Once again, this is not your fault.

At this point he does not want to stop, and no rehab, NA, etc will work for him if he does not have the desire.

I understand your feelings about being unworthy, and your low self esteem. I strongly suggest going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. I have been in Al-Anon for a year now, and the difference in my view of myself and the person I have become is huge, along with the way I view my H and his addiction. There are meetings everywhere and lots of people who have been through the same things. You are not alone, although it probably feels that way right now. Honestly, I could have written your post a million times over the years. It is comforting to be around others just like you. My first meeting, so much info was coming at me it felt very overwhelming, and there was no way I could ever live up to what they were talking about. Don't be discouraged. It is a lot of small steps that add up over time, and you don't need to be perfect. You can also find online meetings and forums through google if you'd like to start there, but it is important to go to face to face meetings. I would also strongly suggest picking up the blue book "How Al-Anon Works" there, it is $5, and has a wealth of wonderful information in it. 

You ARE a good person, a wonderful person. You are valuable and lovable. Drug addicts in the midst of their addiction don't love anyone, only their drugs. You can find yourself again and become the person you want to be, you have your whole life ahead of you at 25! I believe in you and what you can become . (((Hugs)))


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## [email protected] (Mar 19, 2013)

Thankyou so much for your kind words, and advice. As I have not talked about this before with anyone this has helped me soo much to put things back in perspective.
He does admit he has a problem but thats about where it ends and one day I would like to be able to put this behind us but without action on his part I may have to accept that I need to move on in life, as hard as that will be. I have already looked into groups I could go to where I live and think that would be great - posting in this forum was my first step and it has helped alot. 
He told me last night, when i brought up marriage counseling, that he would still like to organise some because he feels like he doesnt love me like he used to. I feel the same way towards him but I dont really know if a councellor would help. I guess it is a chance to speak openly with someone and get there opinion on weather this is healthy and can be fixed. Also they might be able to get through to him that he does need help. So i guess itd be good...
The more I read on this site the more i understand that he IS in denial, he seem to think that he has 'slipped up' a few times and just has to be more careful but he needs the tools to deal with the urges whenever they might pop up again. And he needs to take responsabitiy for the pain this has caused.
I have suggested a sepperation while we get councelling which he agreed to, i hope that would be a good thing...I can at least work on myself in that time...
I dont know what im doing. I just hope im doing it right.

Thanks again so much, you're such beautiful people. Especially Oregonmom's comments hit a chord - I have wanted to tell my own mum about this (but it would hurt her so much) Hearing your words its as if i have - it has been so increadibly lonely and hard to keep such a big secret from everyone and pretend im fine.

Thank you for making a difference in my life right now. Im so glad i asked for help.


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