# Figuring out what to do



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

I am 31 and married for 4 years to my wife age 34. We have an 18 month old son that is the greatest thing ever. He’s incredibly intelligent and just as handsome as his father if I say so myself. I have a supportive family that provides child care 4-5 days a week. On days where they can’t do all 5 I work remotely with him or friends of ours will watch him with their 2 year old.

my wife’s family is less than helpful however. They live maybe 15 minutes further away than my family but never come to visit us and any time we need help they never come through. They are also extremely different from me and my family in their way of life and how they conduct themselves.

My family is not perfect for sure but I am nervous to let our son go to their house as it’s very dirty and semi hoarder status. They also smoke weed all day and don’t watch our Son in a way that I am comfortable with. They complain I’m too protective of him but I personally don’t think they are involved enough and he may get hurt over there though I’ve never expressed that to them or my wife. She already knows how her family is and has expressed that if we split I would take primary custody as she “knows our son would have a better life with me as the primary parent and my family.”

However, she can be very critical of how my mother watches him. She complains as my mother used to put some of my old baby clothes on him that she had taken from the attic and she makes rude comments about how my mother just watches TV with him all day and lets him nap for hours. I know this is not true as my mother may be older (67) but she has made efforts to do as much as she can with him and I don’t worry for his safety when he is with her,

She is also upset that my mother is requesting $300 a month to babysit our son 2 days a week. To be clear I’m not thrilled about this either but I see it as a cheap alternative to day care as if we didn’t pay my mother she would have to go back to work full time to make ends meet.

for us, we have really struggled since the baby was born. We lost a baby to miscarriage and were devastated. Unfortunately when this child came along my wife experienced ppd and the start of my new family was not what I had envisioned. I would stay up with my wife as she complained about breast feeding and not wanting to be a mom anymore. I rubbed her back and told her she was a good mother and we would get through this together. I even called our old therapist and got her into a doctor for medication.

I also convinced her to start pumping as I watched her struggle with breast feeding and I didn’t want her to resent our Son and being a mother. She also hated when our son would wake up at night and would get angry and threaten self harm when he had a rough night of sleep as a new born. Eventually I moved his bassinet to my side of the bed and convinced her to start supplementing with formula to ease the burden on her. I also started being the one who woke up with him every time as I feared her reactions.

My parents were also very helpful during this time. I also took over most of the household duties and they would often come over to give us a break either by watching the baby or helping me around the house. While my wife’s parents scarcely visited.

We didn’t go on many dates during that time and quality time diminished as the pandemic was still strong and we had a new born that required a lot of attention.

Nonetheless, I never stopped telling my wife I loved her and trying my best to support her.

Leading up to April 2022 when she told me that she was no longer happy in our relationship. She told me that I had in her opinion neglected our relationship since the baby came. I was pretty blind sided as I felt I was supporting her and being a good husband and father.

when I asked her how I could do more she simply spoke of quality time and dating. I urged us back into therapy together and started asking my parents to watch our Son so we could go out on dates.

during that time we had some decent times but it was clear something was off. I has become very anxious after my wife saying she was unhappy and started to wonder if she was interested in someone else.

This came as she started to go out more with co workers. I encouraged it as she has been so depressed since the baby came and I felt it was good for her. I was never really able to go as well…I was never invited and I had to stay home and watch the baby.

One night I got nervous and looked at her phone where I found her texting a work girlfriend about one of the higher ups at the company being attractive. She noted that she was turned on as he complimented her hair/weight loss.

i confronted her on this but she just said I didn’t trust her and that she didn’t mean it and was just talking to a girlfriend.

This only really fueled my paranoia as I then looked at Instagram where I found pictures of her and an ex bf she had never told me about the just months before we started dating. I looked into the guy and found that they still follow each other on social media and she likes all of his photos and comments on his posts. Sometimes the comments could be interpreted as flirtatious and it really did a number on me. I also got self conscious as he is a chef and they were bonding often over their shared love for cooking. I’m not a bad cook myself but I don’t share that passion.

i tried to confront her on that as well but she played the whole I’m being paranoid Card. First the guy at work now my old boyfriend? He’s in the past, I don’t care about him, you’re making me uncomfortable and I feel like you’re trying to catch me doing something wrong.

we also talked about it in therapy but it never really got resolved for me.

Flash forward to now and I’m miserable. My wife took herself off of her medication as she “didn’t like how it made her feel” she also stopped going to her therapist despite my urges to resume. She spends much of her time on her phone on the couch and we haven’t gone on a date since the last one I planned in June. We don’t connect on or discuss anything meaningful and the sex is virtually non existent. (1-2 a month and I always initiate) I’ve spoken to her about this bothering me and the next night she responded by initiating but then never again.

we also had a couple big fights in July/August that really made me start to view her differently. Suddenly the red flags I overlooked early in the relationship are bright red.

She can be very selfish, has low frustration tolerance and empathy/emotional intelligence.

I also find more now that we are on different intellectual/maturity levels. I have a tough time relating to most of her friends and I often don’t know what to talk to her about anymore. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells and this simply isn’t turning out to be the life I had hoped for.

also, our couples counselor has stopped seeing us as she did not feel she could help us right now and sessions were no longer productive as I had started to shut down and my wife would just cry.

i currently see an individual counselor for the past 6 months + and she has been urging me to make a decision to stay or go as this relationship is making me miserable.

i would love to be with someone that wants to get up and do things. Travel, explore nearby places, set goals together…I’m an active person that has a lot of friends but I feel guilty but I’m only 31 and I want to be happy and love my life.

any advice?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Thank you to anyone that reads all of this. I kind of let my mind pour so it’s a long one for sure.

advice appreciated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Same advice posters gave you when you first posted about her telling you that you could have custody of your son — you need to take him and go. A big part of the problem is that you want another child at some point and you would be foolish to have another child with her. She can’t deal with the one she has and doesn’t seem interested in putting in the work to be a good parent. Unfortunately, she’s a product of her upbringing and she isn’t likely to change. Dysfunction is what she knows and it’s what she’s comfortable with. You are still young but all those decades ahead of you will be in the rear view mirror one day and then where will you be? Still with her and wishing you weren’t? Or in a happy life with someone else? That’s the choice you have to make.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Same advice posters gave you when you first posted about her telling you that you could have custody of your son — you need to take him and go. A big part of the problem is that you want another child at some point and you would be foolish to have another child with her. She can’t deal with the one she has and doesn’t seem interested in putting in the work to be a good parent. Unfortunately, she’s a product of her upbringing and she isn’t likely to change. Dysfunction is what she knows and it’s what she’s comfortable with. You are still young but all those decades ahead of you will be in the rear view mirror one day and then where will you be? Still with her and wishing you weren’t? Or in a happy life with someone else? That’s the choice you have to make.


Yeah I tried to provide a little bit of an update and summary in this thread for those unfamiliar.

i do have to give her some credit though as she has gotten better as he’s gotten older. Though she still gets annoyed when he won’t sleep or do what she wants him to. She does seem to have a better bond with him now and is at least projecting that she is enjoying motherhood more.

the main issue I have is getting over the past and a feeling that all that has happened has caused my feelings for her to change.

i think I’ve finally reached the point where I am considering leaving. Previously I was so afraid to leave but the misery and thought of missed opportunities has been weighing on me lately.

i truly don’t want to go into the new year unhappy and in limbo.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stay, she may repeat the first 18 months again with a new baby. Not all women enjoy that new baby stage. For sure it will be more difficult when there are two children and not just one. I only had one child to deal with and when I had grandchildren I wasn’t prepared for the stress of dealing with more than one. It’s a big difference. The most common month to file for divorce is January for the very reason you listed — people don’t want to start a new year unhappy and in limbo.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And she may not enjoy him nearly as much when the Terrible Two’s (or Three’s) hit and every word out of his mouth is “NO!!” There are daily meltdowns and tantrums over everything. The age he is at the moment is easy but it doesn’t last. If she gets frustrated now because he doesn’t always do what she wants then she needs to prepare for a difficult time coming up.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

You’ve tried counseling and therapy it’s not working. It’s time to move on, not only for yourself, but also for your son.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

i have read your post and you seem like you haven't given her a reason to fall out of love with you and you have been supportive of her. she may love you for a being a good man but she is not in love with anymore. she has told you numerous times she wants out. you seen with your own she finds other men attractive to the point of saying it turned her on but you an her have sex 1-2 times out of convenience so you don't leave. she is urging you to make a decision because she isn't changing clearly.
the fact is you and her have just grown apart and are no longer compatible. the child clearly means more to you than her. my advice is have the best Christmas and new years you can. be supportive, loving, caring. stop investigating. no more questioning her. after new year's contact a lawyer about getting a legal separation. show her your serious. let her understand how it feels to be free. then follow with divorce and see where things go.
your child didn't have a choice to be brought into this world, but your child is young enough that if you stop this toxic relationship with your wife now, your child will be able to have a better future. just my thoughts . good luck partner


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## StillGettingWiser (6 mo ago)

I've followed all of your threads FP and they all stay along the same line.

Have you met with an attorney? If you had her served what do you feel her reaction would be?

You've been posting about things for seven months and nothing has really changed. The only way things will change for you and your son is if you make them change.

The continued communication with an ex while my marriage struggled would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Shouldn't be happening at all in my opinion, but given the situation it is even worse.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

StillGettingWiser said:


> I've followed all of your threads FP and they all stay along the same line.
> 
> Have you met with an attorney? If you had her served what do you feel her reaction would be?
> 
> ...


I’m planning to meet with an attorney in the new year. My parents are divorced and I spoke to my dad about taking a consultation with his lawyer.

i think she would be crushed. I’ve come home before from being out with friends to her sobbiNg asking if I’m going to leave her.

i just don’t understand the thought process honestly. But I’m slowly going mad.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m planning to meet with an attorney in the new year. My parents are divorced and I spoke to my dad about taking a consultation with his lawyer.
> 
> i think she would be crushed. I’ve come home before from being out with friends to her sobbiNg asking if I’m going to leave her.
> 
> i just don’t understand the thought process honestly. But I’m slowly going mad.


it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. my guess is she knows your ready to leave and she cant both lives. being single and married. she tried to dominate you and control you and now that your showing backbone her world is coming apart and she is panicking. one-minute loves you , next minute hates you . she is losing control and not getting the life she wants anymore .


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m planning to meet with an attorney in the new year. My parents are divorced and I spoke to my dad about taking a consultation with his lawyer.
> 
> i think she would be crushed. I’ve come home before from being out with friends to her sobbiNg asking if I’m going to leave her.
> 
> i just don’t understand the thought process honestly. But I’m slowly going mad.


She clearly doesn’t want a divorce. If you want out then you’ll have to be the one to do it. And she very likely isn’t going to take it well or make it easy. Be prepared.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> She clearly doesn’t want a divorce. If you want out then you’ll have to be the one to do it. And she very likely isn’t going to take it well or make it easy. Be prepared.


See that’s the tough part. She will tell me if I don’t forgive her and show her more affection like I used to then she will have to move on. She was even talking about “planning her way out” after the holidays. Seems like she wants to put all the blame on me as she continually says how she’s done all she can and sees no other option.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FloridaPool said:


> See that’s the tough part. She will tell me if I don’t forgive her and show her more affection like I used to then she will have to move on. She was even talking about “planning her way out” after the holidays. Seems like she wants to put all the blame on me as she continually says how she’s done all she can and sees no other option.


She may actually mean that or she may not. I think if you file she’ll change her tune on no other option. And, yes, she’ll tell friends and family she did all she could — and maybe what she’s done really is the best she’s capable of. I was married for a very long time and I knew before I filed that regardless of the circumstances everyone would feel I should stay. And they did. My response was that it was my life and ultimately I had to do what I felt was best for me. You have to do what’s best for you.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Thanks all for the advice. Any thoughts on how to best approach the conversation?

My individual therapist had suggested involving our couples therapist to assist in mediating.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I've said it before and I’ll say it again, and then I won't comment again here.

I disagree with most of TAM about your issues.

I think you’re being whiny, self-centered, and immature.

You want to be free to run and play in the sun instead of being a standup husband and father ‘cause hard and not about you.

If you want to divorce your wife then go to a lawyer and do it. Stop all the drama about what might happen if this or that, just do it. But you won’t. You’ll be here next year whining about how she looked at you funny or cried when you got upset or whatever.

If you want to fix your marriage then get back into counseling and try behaving like an adult.

In the first paragraphs of this OP you tell how you have concerns about your family watching your son, and yet you prefer to take him there. Why? Take him someplace safe where the adults aren't getting high all day. That's a slam dunk easy decision for an adult.

Paragraph after paragraph, post after post, of how you are good and right and doing everything a human could do while your wife is a slug who gets upset and cries. I don't buy it.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I've said it before and I’ll say it again, and then I won't comment again here.
> 
> I disagree with most of TAM about your issues.
> 
> ...


Perhaps work on your reading comprehension. My son goes to my parents whom I have no concerns about as the concerns I have about her parents are in a completely separate paragraph.

yeah, do me the favor and don’t let the door hit ya.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> See that’s the tough part. She will tell me if I don’t forgive her and show her more affection like I used to then she will have to move on. She was even talking about “planning her way out” after the holidays. Seems like she wants to put all the blame on me as she continually says how she’s done all she can and sees no other option.


It appears as TheGodfather says; your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too.
But I don`t believe your wife is being like this in a selfish way.
In marriages some partners may begin to feel trapped living in a domestic situation and when young children are involved can place a lot of strain on a marriage especially for the mothers.
This is a difficult situation because your wife is still young and probably loves you but she wants some excitement and adventure in her life and yes, it could evolve into her seeking solace with other men.
Your wife probably expects you to fulfill all her needs and desires, a good supporting husband and father, giving her lots of attention and a sex god in the bedroom department including a great social life.
Obviously you are not Superman and doubt at this time any one person has the ability to make her feel satisfied with her lot.
You have a real problem on your hands because your wife may become a loose canon because she`s not feeling contented. This is a mental problem because your wife is not settled in her mind.
The fact is that you don’t have the power to make her happy or unhappy. Only she can do that but that doesn’t mean all hope is lost.
You can and should listen to her and try to understand where your wife is coming from. Listen closely without dismissing her or defending your actions.
This is about all you can do.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I've said it before and I’ll say it again, and then I won't comment again here.
> 
> I disagree with most of TAM about your issues.
> 
> ...


This ^.

Not to mention the 'lady at his office' that he would like 'to see where it could go' with -- and that he pretends he never said....

Dude. Move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TheGodfather said:


> She has told you numerous times she wants out. you seen with your own she finds other men attractive to the point of saying it turned her on but you an her have sex 1-2 times out of convenience so you don't leave. she is urging you to make a decision because she isn't changing clearly.


Yes, her tune has not changed. or come untied.
I suspect, after you leave and divorce, she will have her tubes tied.

Um, if she is smart.

She prefers to be carefree, a free range chicken, maybe, loose as a goose.
I write this in jest.

She is not alone in this thinking.

She is not marriage material, maybe, just FWB worthy.

Which is fine, if you remain happy and single.
That said, most do not, at least, long term.

That attitude, may be her downfall when she reaches older age, if and when, she does not find a suitable lifelong mate, doing that, now and then, bed hopping.

The world is full of odd ducks, some few, are really happy.

At some point in life, being happily partnered, is better than being single.
Anti social humans, are the exception.

As @Openminded mentioned, her personality is a typical_ family of origin _result and outcome, FOO.


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