# My wife, pot and being unable to follow through with things



## hmd

My wife and I have been married for about 3 years now, when we met she used to smoke pot everyday, it bothered me back then but not so much, however over the years it has started to bother me more and more, and I am embarrassed by her addiction to weed. I don't want to invite new friends over for dinner, a BBQ or a few drinks because I know she won't be able to help herself and will end up sneaking off to get stoned. She then comes back stoned out of her mind and doesn't expect anyone to notice.

Her addiction is so bad that she can't go without it for a day, even when my folks were here visiting she would get stoned or go to her friends house to get stoned. My father being an ex-policeman knows all the signs, but tries to ignore it, I don't want him to think I am the same because I don't touch the stuff.

I am certainly no angel and took recreational drugs in my early 20's and even up until the first year that my wife and I met, however grew out of the phase, and now am lucky if I even have 3 light beers in a week.

We had a baby last year, and she gave up for the time she was pregnant, but within two weeks of the baby being born I was left alone to look after our child whilst she went to a friends house to get high.

Things came to a head over the past week. Due to her having the baby, I am the sole income earner in the family whilst she looks after the child, she had gone out with our child to a friends house and drove home with our kid in the car whilst she was high, I was horrified and let my feelings be known. Worst still I went to get some money out the other day from the ATM only to find no money in the account and the account overdrawn. I rang her to find out what had happened to our money and she said that she had spent it and we were $300 in arrears.

Again I went off my brain at her this is just totally unacceptable to me, I work hard and long hours and earn a very a good salary, good enough that my account should not be empty. When I am not working in my job I am either doing renovations on the house our looking after our child. I feel like I am doing everything to keep the family afloat and that she does some cleaning here and there and looks after our kid whilst I work, but feel that the share of responsibilities and actions is no where near equal, to find out she is spending anywhere from $100 - $250 on weed a week is even more shocking and it irks me to know that my hard work goes towards her habit.

My contract is also written so that if I am arrested for a drug related crime, my contract will be immediately terminated, so I don't have to be charged, just arrested. I keep telling her this and that all of this weighs on my shoulders and conscience daily, keeps me up at night and I am sure will send me to an early grave.

The hard part is that she is addicted, not physically but mentally, I can see exactly how her brain works and know how she justifies it to herself. When she tries to quit it ends up with me being the bad guy, being physically hit and abused (I don't fight back) because of the stress quitting is apparently putting on her.

I have asked her repeatedly to go and get help, to check into rehab and I will pay for and support it, to speak to her doctor about it and help with her anxiety, which she blames for her addiction. But she just never follows through. She says she doesn't want to go to rehab, because if I decide to leave her because of her weed addiction, then she thinks I would use that against her in getting custody of her child. 

Despite me telling her repeatedly and her knowing what I am like as a person, that I only want what is best for our child and would let the courts, or the two of us decide through mediation, and that it is besides the point, because that would only ever be a last ever resort.

I finally got her to speak to her doctor about it last week, as we had a joint appointment and told her we aren't leaving the surgery until she mentions it to her doctor. Unfortunately the doctor wasn't that supportive of me, and instead basically told her to keep smoking. A big discussion ensued in which he prescribed her some mild medication for her anxiety.

Now we are at the point where she tells me she has decided to stop. I bought her some audio courses on quitting marijuana and have tried to help her with this, in the hope that it will help her stop.

I don't really need advice on that, but if anyone has anything that they think will help me to help her quit that would be great. It just feels good to voice it all.

The other issue I have with my wife is that she starts things but never follows through and finishes anything, I can list many things that I have helped her to start that she just never finishes. I have forked out thousands on courses she has wanted to do, do start her own small business but she does one part of it and gives up. She does this with so many things, gyms, fitness groups, work and so much more. She seems to get bored after 3 months and without my help or me taking over and doing it the things just don't get done.

The problem is that this means I can't support her in any of her ideas, because I now have absolutely zero faith in her following through and finishing anything.

This all came to a head yesterday, she was coming up with more wild ideas about businesses and ways for her to make some more money to help with the cash flow and help her feel like she is contributing financially to the relationship.

I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, because I know the realities of starting even the smallest hobby business. She picked up on this and started to shout at me that I don't support her. So I just came out and said "You never finish anything you start, so it is impossible for me to get enthusiastic about your new ideas. I am not going to put any money into anything new until you finish one of the things you started"

This didn't go down well but its the gods honest truth. I am sick of working so hard to see my money thrown away and so hard to have any respect for her at the moment. I am really scared that these things are going to end the relationship, because I honestly don't know how much longer I can tolerate dealing with this. 

Am I wrong to be thinking like this?

-hmd


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## jane21

I'm not sure if I have any advice for you because I am in a similar situation. 
My husband is the bread winner and I stay home with our one year old daughter. I cook and clean and basically do everything for him except go to work. However, I still feel a little bit like it's unfair because his job is much more difficult than mine...Which is one excuse he uses for smoking pot all the time.

When I got pregnant he agreed that he would stop, which only lasted about a month before he was doing it behind my back. Then he said he would stop before the baby got here, then he said he would quit when she got here. That obviously never happened. 

He doesn't think it's possible to be addicted to marijuana and that it isn't a drug. My viewpoint is somewhere in the middle. It's clear that he has a dependency on it. 
He forgets important things, loses things, and has a hard time listening to me because he is zoned out and stoned. 

It's very hard to be married to someone who isn't on the same page in everyday life, isn't it? I am more baffled that your wife, who takes care of your child wants to be stoned all the time. What about her life is so boring or awful that she can't face it with an unaltered mind? Probably nothing and that's where I am confused about my own situation.
It's totally unfair to you that she is spending your money on something you clearly don't agree with, especially when you have a kid. 
Maybe you should open a new bank account which she can't access and only put enough money in your joint account for her to buy groceries with?
There's no reason that the medication she has been perscribed shouldn't help her in the same way weed did. She might also need depression medication though.

As far as her never finishing anything and having big ideas all the time, it sounds like she's bored and a little unhappy so she is trying to find things to be passionate about, which sounds a lot like me. 

Maybe she should get a part-time job a few days a week. She would be contributing financially and she would have something to do and get her out of the house. 
Try introducing not-so-expensive hobbies she could try or find something you would like to do but don't have the time for, like a garden or some home improvement project.

I've rambled enough but I hope I typed something here that might help.


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