# Does coming back here trigger you?



## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It empowers me.

All the other relationship boards I've visited are so mealy mouth as to what to do when you care about the position that others have put you in.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Yes; but I’m still looking to change my thinking. My late wife affair was in the mid 90’s and the gal I dated after my wife died, cheated on me too; say 2003ish. All very much in the past and yet I keep thinking about them.

this is not my main reason for being here


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BURNT KEP said:


> I am still with her


It's not being here that is triggering you but the fact that you think that explains partly why you are struggling with being triggered.

What are the bad feelings? 

What has she done to help you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?


I am rarely triggered. Probably because my situation was quite unusual. But! I do get triggered from time to time.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

At times, yes.

Some days I avoid the infidelity section because I'm already in a bad mood, or because I don't want to be put in one. Some days I'm fine reading there but I have to be aware of my limits. If I start thinking too much, it's time for me to go do something else and not feed into it or "take it home" with me.

I wouldn't say the site in general is triggering, but it definitely is a reminder for me and probably keeps things fresher in my mind than it should. Sometimes I want to shut out everything and everyone that reminds me of the crappy stuff, just so I can put it behind me and move on or not have the constant reminder.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

What a good question. 

Yes, sometimes it does. And I like it. Ok maybe not like, but I use it to dig into the emotion and journal, discuss with my counselor or work through with some of the other tools I’ve learned. I have many triggers still, some I’m not willing to examine yet until some of the issues I’m still dealing with come to completion. But I have many that I don’t have anymore and I think it’s because of these avenues and this forum. 

It may take me years, maybe forever, but I’m going to be a better person because of this experience. My triggers lead the way to that eventuality I hope. 

I have seen vast improvements in my mental health already, for instance I used to purposefully trigger myself in counseling and cause panic attacks so that I could learn better ways of processing the trauma. I can’t even trigger a panic attack anymore when I try. 

I still have so much to work on, it will take me years, so I guess you guys are stuck with me for at least that long.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have a trigger finger, but that is another touchy-feely problem.

.....................................................................

If you are a betrayed spouse, coming here is cathartic, in hearing others lay out their pain and their awkward solutions.
It becomes a group hug, and for some, a slap back to reality.
You learn that you are not alone.

It is also haunting, with the former BS's roaming the halls and hearing all these voices sobbing their hearts out.
_At some point_, I see this as not moving forward, but living in the past.

Trapped in the past, knowing your loved one shared their love and bodies with another.

We are strong in some ways, weak in others.

Pain loves company.

Group therapy is real, this is TAM's, _True Value_ hardware.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> Yes; but I’m still looking to change my thinking. My late wife affair was in the mid 90’s and the gal I dated after my wife died, cheated on me too; say 2003ish. All very much in the past and yet I keep thinking about them.
> 
> this is not my main reason for being here


On this....

When most see this repeat relationship behavior happening we blame the betrayed person's picker.
OK, that is appropriate.

I also attach blame to those pickin's (themselves) that lay down a beckoning shadow, those that darken your path.

Know, that these people do not come out of 'nowhere'.

Their _somewhere_ and_ yours_ has a sinister common thread, a pathway.

It is a common _plus-minus_ bond, one that is inevitably harmful.

These 'types' make each other whole, then broken.


_King Brian-_


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?


Hi BURNT KEP,
Coming here was extremely helpful for me as a BS. Prior to that, all I could see was my part in the breakdown of my marriage and I took on more blame than I should for my exH's cheating.

I took a break after I decided to take the advice I was given and came back when I felt more "mentally together". Even so, there will be the post that resonates so deeply, it will trigger me. 

I use those as a benchmark to gauge how far I've come. Even if I can't offer advice, I try to be supportive if I can stand to respond. It's gotten less intense over time and continue to improve, but I removed myself from my situation and am moving forward with my life.

Maybe it's because you decided to reconcile, and when you come here, your instincts scream when they see parallels in your relationship?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No. For one because it was 22 years ago when my first marriage ended and I remarried 16 years ago and secondly, no one has ever come here with the same or similar situation/circumstances that caused my marriage to end. I can barely remember being married to my first husband, its like it was in a different life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> No. For one because it was 22 years ago when my first marriage ended and I remarried 16 years ago and secondly, no one has ever come here with the same or similar situation/circumstances that caused my marriage to end. I can barely remember being married to my first husband, its like it was in a different life.


Um, pull out his picture, all those old photos, especially back then.
In the early days, with his hands around your waist, with his lips plastered against yours.

Or, maybe that first week, with you and him under the covers.
Where were his hands, where were yours?
Nobody, forgets this.

Try to remember that day in September.

Then, try to forget.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Um, pull out his picture, all those old photos, especially back then.
> In the early days, with his hands around your waist, with his lips plastered against yours.
> 
> Then, try to forget.


I got rid of everything from my first marriage, I would probably pass him in the street and not have the faintest idea who he is today.

Some people and circumstances are best left in the past.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TXTrini said:


> I got rid of everything from my first marriage, I would probably pass him in the street and not have the faintest idea who he is today.
> 
> Some people and circumstances are best left in the past.


So quick.
Fast.

The denials fly.

Remember the good, let lay the bad as dog days.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Um, pull out his picture, all those old photos, especially back then.
> In the early days, with his hands around your waist, with his lips plastered against yours.
> 
> Or, maybe that first week, with you and him under the covers.
> ...


Honestly I barely even think about my first marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I bite my lip.

So often, this is needing done.

Such that the Kardashian gals are jealous, often, of my puffy lips.

I digress, and address, dress up this reply.

You are up late, are you not?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> So quick.
> Fast.
> 
> The denials fly.
> ...


I can only say that b/c my first marriage was a mistake and barely lasted a year. 

The 2nd one, oh it will definitely be a while before I put it out of mind, that was nearly 20 years of my life altogether.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

sokillme said:


> It's not being here that is triggering you but the fact that you think that explains partly why you are struggling with being triggered.
> 
> What are the bad feelings?
> 
> What has she done to help you?


I would say she has done enough but the stuff that she did will never be forgotten. I guess I just go along feeling all is good and then I come here and read some of the stories and it brings me back a little.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> No. For one because it was 22 years ago when my first marriage ended and I remarried 16 years ago and secondly, no one has ever come here with the same or similar situation/circumstances that caused my marriage to end. I can barely remember being married to my first husband, its like it was in a different life.


This is the thing, the triggers go away if you move on an love someone else, because it's the love you have for your spouse that gives the affair any power. Without that love it's just someone who did something ****ty to you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This is the thing, the triggers go away if you move on an love someone else, because it's the love you have for your spouse that gives the affair any power. Without that love i*t's just someone who did something ****ty to you.*


The bolded says it all.

Those dung slingers need NOT have been lovers, that did so inflict pain. 

Just _someone_.
Yes.

Pain won, is no prize

Those, all too common purveyors....we remember all of them, and not fondly.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Earlier on, within 2-3 years of DDay - yes.

Now, not really. I will say that if I spend too much time on somebody's infidelity story, I will find myself in a bad mood for "no reason". I've linked that to being on CWI too much lately, and I back off. But it's not a "trigger" per se, it's more like living in a bad thing for too long.

I do not recommend going back and reading your own threads from the past. That will not be fun.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> I do not recommend going back and reading your own threads from the past. That will not be fun.


Actually, I've done just that several times, just to remind myself how far I've come when I'm feeling discouraged.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

TXTrini said:


> Actually, I've done just that several times, just to remind myself how far I've come when I'm feeling discouraged.


I have done that as well. Sometimes (not often) I will go to a random page and read for a while. Sometimes it helps me see the progress (individually and as a couple), but it's also embarassing as **** to read. I do have to be aware of when I've had enough though, and usually get to a point were I remember what comes next, think "nope", and close it. I've had moments of reading it just to torture myself, don't recommend that. 

Of course, I chose to stay so that probably makes a difference.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bobert said:


> I have done that as well. Sometimes (not often) I will go to a random page and read for a while. Sometimes it helps me see the progress (individually and as a couple), but it's also embarassing as **** to read. I do have to be aware of when I've had enough though, and usually get to a point were I remember what comes next, think "nope", and close it. I've had moments of reading it just to torture myself, don't recommend that.
> 
> Of course, I chose to stay so that probably makes a difference.


I have totally done it. And I believe at some point I had my 2 longest threads deleted because I didn't want the temptation anymore. I think we all know the progress we've made. Every time I've gone back to read I've regretted it.

I also deleted all old emails I had going back and forth with my wife and the OM back when everything went down. Talk about embarrassing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> I also deleted all old emails I had going back and forth with my wife and the OM back when everything went down. Talk about embarrassing.


I really need to do a cleanup. Every picture I take gets saved to whatever cloud storage we're using, including screenshots... So when I get the "photos from this day" notification it's always a risky click. Sometimes it's screenshots from a thread. The last time I caved it was text message screenshots between my wife and an AP. Yuck. 

The other day my 4 year old found a VAR and I couldn't remember if anything was on it. I snatched it out of his hands and saw 3 recordings... Hung onto it all day then stupidly decided to play them. Thankfully it was just super cute recordings my kid made but that "need" for self-torture is pretty stupid.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> I have totally done it. And I believe at some point I had my 2 longest threads deleted because I didn't want the temptation anymore. I think we all know the progress we've made. Every time I've gone back to read I've regretted it.
> 
> I also deleted all old emails I had going back and forth with my wife and the OM back when everything went down. Talk about embarrassing.


I have pictures and a video of my WH and the AP together. I look at them when I need a dose of rage. Hopefully I can delete them like you have done with your evidence at some point. I look forward to the day when I don’t give a ****.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

QuietRiot - but aren't you divorcing? That's different. Bobert and I both went the reconciliation route.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> QuietRiot - but aren't you divorcing? That's different. Bobert and I both went the reconciliation route.


We are legally separated but cohabitating. I am moving into my own house when it’s done being built. Divorce is not on the table yet and I don’t know when or if it will be due to an array of issues and financial entanglements...it benefits me not to be divorced. I just want to live alone and figure my life out. 

He still says he’s going to “earn me back” but I have zero hopes that will happen, not even sure it’s possible. Basically he said he will do whatever I need him to, and at this point it’s helping me move out and get peace and safety away from him. 

That’s where I am. I don’t know what to call it or where I’ll be in a year.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> We are legally separated but cohabitating. I am moving into my own house when it’s done being built. Divorce is not on the table yet and I don’t know when or if it will be due to an array of issues and financial entanglements...it benefits me not to be divorced. I just want to live alone and figure my life out.
> 
> He still says he’s going to “earn me back” but I have zero hopes that will happen, not even sure it’s possible. Basically he said he will do whatever I need him to, and at this point it’s helping me move out and get peace and safety away from him.
> 
> That’s where I am. I don’t know what to call it or where I’ll be in a year.


Ugh. I am so glad mine was clear cut. I cut my losses and ran like the wind. In-home separation must be torture! Good luck getting everything squared away!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It is interesting to come back once in a while and see what advice is being given. I moved on from divorce and thoughts of re-marriage a long time ago. This forum just reminds me why I will never marry again... ever.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

bandit.45 said:


> It is interesting to come back once in a while and see what advice is being given. I moved on from divorce and thoughts of re-marriage a long time ago. This forum just reminds me why I will never marry again... ever.


Can’t say I blame your stance on that!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

QuietRiot said:


> I have pictures and a video of my WH and the AP together. I look at them when I need a dose of rage. Hopefully I can delete them like you have done with your evidence at some point. I look forward to the day when I don’t give a ****.


Do you look at those to remind yourself why you're leaving? 

I had pictures that my wife kept of her and one of her AP's. Thankfully I don't anymore but I can't imagine having that in my house. I know I'd torture myself (and my wife) with it at times.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> Do you look at those to remind yourself why you're leaving?
> 
> I had pictures that my wife kept of her and one of her AP's. Thankfully I don't anymore but I can't imagine having that in my house. I know I'd torture myself (and my wife) with it at times.


I feel like regardless of any eventuality, I have to have my own space to heal, figure out what my life is going to be, but I am also at times paralyzed by fear. The only thing that overcomes the fear is anger. That’s why I look at the pictures, to stir anger and focus my objectives. It is torture, but I’m not a very brave person so I need to torture myself to get results apparently.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> I feel like regardless of any eventuality, I have to have my own space to heal, figure out what my life is going to be, but I am also at times paralyzed by fear. The only thing that overcomes the fear is anger. That’s why I look at the pictures, to stir anger and focus my objectives. It is torture, but I’m not a very brave person so I need to torture myself to get results apparently.


Sounds like you’ve possibly gone from “never again” where he’s concerned to “maybe someday”?

Anger is very good at keeping you focused when you’re leaving. I kept copies of my husband’s emails with his AP for that reason.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like you’ve possibly gone from “never again” where he’s concerned to “maybe someday”?
> 
> Anger is very good at keeping you focused when you’re leaving. I kept copies of my husband’s emails with his AP for that reason.


I wouldn’t say “maybe someday” even explains it. No. Because is don’t think that way. More like, right now I don’t even want to think about the eventuality of the end, or not the end...I just want to get to the next part of things. I want to see what my life looks like without all this crap going on? I’ve said zero to him about any possibility of reconciliation. So I wouldn’t even say it is a possibility. 

Ha, I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m just getting out and then living my life and I’m open to... life???


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I was just looking at my profile and I have been here almost 10 years. Wow it’s been 10 years since my life was turned upside down. What I was really getting at is that I don’t much think about what happened anymore but when I log on here and read about cwi section it brings back those memories. Gets me thinking if I should have left or did I make a right decision staying.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

BURNT KEP said:


> I was just looking at my profile and I have been here almost 10 years. Wow it’s been 10 years since my life was turned upside down. What I was really getting at is that I don’t much think about what happened anymore but when I log on here and read about cwi section it brings back those memories. Gets me thinking if I should have left or did I make a right decision staying.


I think that’s understandable. Do you have regrets about the last 10 years?


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> I think that’s understandable. Do you have regrets about the last 10 years?


I think so. If I could go back to the day I found out I probably would have left. Unfortunately I really didn’t have anywhere to go other than a hotel.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I had been away long enough to forget a lot or at least push a lot to deep recesses of memory. I happened back somewhat randomly and find it more a splash of cold water than trigger.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

BURNT KEP said:


> I think so. If I could go back to the day I found out I probably would have left. Unfortunately I really didn’t have anywhere to go other than a hotel.


I’m sorry to hear it. The rest of us could benefit from your wisdom though, but I understand if it’s too difficult to be on here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> It is interesting to come back once in a while and see what advice is being given. I moved on from divorce and thoughts of re-marriage a long time ago. This forum just reminds me why I will never marry again... ever.


We dont hear about the countless millions of good and happy marriages here, so its very skewed. One of the best things I did in my life was getting married again. Changed my life and my children's lives completely.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It's been nearly 11 years since I first discovered my then-husband in an EA (at the very least) with a family friend, and about 7+ years since I found out he'd actually been serially cheating for the entirety of our 21 years together. I've been divorced since October, 2013 and am happily remarried to a wonderful man. 

Coming here doesn't trigger me. Being happy and in a really great, and very healthy, relationship seems to help. But I also think it's really just a matter of time and distance and my own healing. I can look back on my experiences with enough detachment - and hopefully some hard-won wisdom - that I don't feel pain and am not particularly bothered by the memories. 

But, I also know it's never a good idea for me to spend _too_ much time on the CWI pages. I like to help when/if I can, but I simply don't enjoy spending a great deal of time mired in other people's pain. So, I tend to pop in from time to time but spend more of my energy on the other TAM pages.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I didn't experience infidelity so my experience might not be relevant to your perspective or question.

I don't necessarily get triggered by similar stories to my own (IE with the same perspective) but I do find myself reflexively angry typing sometimes when someone expresses a perspective that lines up more with my ex's or makes generalizations about men or relationships that don't match my experience. I haven't been banned even short term mostly because I read what I type at least once before hitting "Post reply".

It might make me a bad person on some level but people talking about some of the bad experiences is a little bit comforting. It gives me a feeling of "well at least I'm not that bad" or "at least my relationship didn't have that aspect to it" or "if that is all some women want in a man, I should be able to find someone to like / appreciate me".


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I get where this chain of thought comes from; there are times when coming to TAM wraps everything around you all over again, and there can be a cycle that never ends when you engage others and try to defend your position. This is not a good place to do that! Better to come her to find others in similar situations and either learn from them or offer help.

Note that we see quite a few self-requested bans from TAM. They may be for the reasons this thread exists.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Hiner112 said:


> It might make me a bad person on some level but people talking about some of the bad experiences is a little bit comforting. It gives me a feeling of "well at least I'm not that bad" or "at least my relationship didn't have that aspect to it" or "if that is all some women want in a man, I should be able to find someone to like / appreciate me".


I think a lot of people do this, even if they won't admit to it. I went to a support group for a while and two guys there frequently made me think "well, it could be worse... you could be HIM" or "at least I'm not dealing with _that_". I won't lie, it felt good. Of course I felt bad about that too but for all I know they thought the same thing about me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> We dont hear about the countless millions of good and happy marriages here, so its very skewed. One of the best things I did in my life was getting married again. Changed my life and my children's lives completely.


I still have great faith in marriage. It is humanity I no longer have faith in. Out of 100 couples today, probably only 10 couples have what it takes to get married and stay married. IMO, it should be almost impossible to get legally married today. Couples should be required to undergo a psychological screening, attend mandatory premarital counseling, sign a mutually agreed upon prenup, go through criminal background checks, and have a one year waiting period before a license is granted. 

"Oh... your girlfriend has bipolar disorder? Bzzzzzzzzt! Next!" 

"Oh... your boyfriend is an ex meth addict with a criminal record? Bzzzzzzzzt! Next please!"


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

I usually come back here when things are getting me down. I've posted on here and been ripped and I'm fine with that, sometimes we need it. I'm back now because the wife had been on a roll again lately. Going to bed at 8 when I'm off and staying up till 12 or later when I'm working...Now she wants to (for whatever reason) keep throwing my mistakes up to our sons girlfriend. She's only 19 and our son is 17. How I've cheated, use to run the roads etc...not once mentioned her wrong doings. Even last night we were looking through pictures, a few of my ex best friend, her lover were in there. She just says, "that was an old friend of his". I don't say anything because I don't feel like I need to throw that stuff out there. But you'd think if she was so willing to trash me she would admit to her mistakes or not bring any of it up. I wanted to ask her why the pictures were still in there, but didn't, wanted to see if she'd throw them away...she didn't....so here I am. Going on 11 years and still beat my head in on those events. Reading Facebook post from 2010 and now knowing what they meant.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Avgman said:


> I usually come back here when things are getting me down. I've posted on here and been ripped and I'm fine with that, sometimes we need it. I'm back now because the wife had been on a roll again lately. Going to bed at 8 when I'm off and staying up till 12 or later when I'm working...Now she wants to (for whatever reason) keep throwing my mistakes up to our sons girlfriend. She's only 19 and our son is 17. How I've cheated, use to run the roads etc...not once mentioned her wrong doings. Even last night we were looking through pictures, a few of my ex best friend, her lover were in there. She just says, "that was an old friend of his". I don't say anything because I don't feel like I need to throw that stuff out there. But you'd think if she was so willing to trash me she would admit to her mistakes or not bring any of it up. I wanted to ask her why the pictures were still in there, but didn't, wanted to see if she'd throw them away...she didn't....so here I am. Going on 11 years and still beat my head in on those events. Reading Facebook post from 2010 and now knowing what they meant.


Your situation sounds miserable. Also... it sounds like she’s cheating on you again. I think you should make a post in this forum and open it up for discussion. Maybe you need some advice, maybe understanding, maybe a slap upside the head. I dunno, but why not???


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> I’m sorry to hear it. The rest of us could benefit from your wisdom though, but I understand if it’s too difficult to be on here.


Not difficult at all it just brings up things I burry deep down so I don’t have to think about them.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> Your situation sounds miserable. Also... it sounds like she’s cheating on you again. I think you should make a post in this forum and open it up for discussion. Maybe you need some advice, maybe understanding, maybe a slap upside the head. I dunno, but why not???


I don't know, I could...I think she has a thing for the guy she works with. We all put a tracking app on our phone when our son started driving, not too long ago it showed her at the guys house. She works at a local bank and he's the owner's son, close to our age. It's literally across the road from her work and she claims it must have just showed her there. She might be, she might not be. To say I don't care would be wrong but I'm not interested enough in knowing right now. Our son is almost 18 and I just want him to graduate this year without a cluster f here at home.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Avgman said:


> I don't know, I could...I think she has a thing for the guy she works with. We all put a tracking app on our phone when our son started driving, not too long ago it showed her at the guys house. She works at a local bank and he's the owner's son, close to our age. It's literally across the road from her work and she claims it must have just showed her there. She might be, she might not be. To say I don't care would be wrong but I'm not interested enough in knowing right now. Our son is almost 18 and I just want him to graduate this year without a cluster f here at home.


It's pretty obvious... If you're going to look the other way until your son graduates, at least make sure you don't touch her with a 10' pole. You don't need an extra suprise.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

bobert said:


> It's pretty obvious... If you're going to look the other way until your son graduates, at least make sure you don't touch her with a 10' pole. You don't need an extra suprise.


Haha, no worries there. We are 41 and 38, we might engage in the bedroom once a month, sometime once every two months...crazy as it sounds, 11 years later I still visualize them having sex when we do and rush through it. It's what it is for now.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I can't believe the lives you cats are willing to lead just to stay married to a chick that's doing other guys and can take you or leave you. I can honestly say that after 7 decades, ain't no woman had me that much by the balls. I don't know, and don't want to know, how you do it.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Sometimes it does dredge back up old feelings, but that just tells me the work on myself is not done.

To my mind, when I was isolated and gaslit and in the midst of untangling my then-H's cheating and subsequent breakdown of my marriage, this forum was there for me. People helped - they gave me advice, sometimes tough love, and made me feel less alone when I was terribly lonely. So I'd like to try and help in some small way people who are going through hard times too.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Avgman said:


> Haha, no worries there. We are 41 and 38, we might engage in the bedroom once a month, sometime once every two months...crazy as it sounds, 11 years later I still visualize them having sex when we do and rush through it. It's what it is for now.


Once a month or two is enough to get whatever STD she has picked up, I'll leave it at that...


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Honestly, I read and post here for several reasons. First, I see stories like the snippet above where a man is just buying time to exit a dismal marriage. It reinforces why I am no longer married with no intent to ever again. Secondly, I try to help others but my opinions are not always well received, especially by the married men on TAM. I think it’s harder for the ones that have reconciled because I can’t wrap my head around giving adults second and third chances. Cheating has always been a dealbreaker and, unfortunately, I have two divorces to prove that. Finally, there is a drawback to reading here. Seeing all the similar stories, cheating, sexless relationships, financial infidelity, lying, etc just sometimes keeps me in my angry mindset from my past, and I do allow that anger to sometimes seep into new relationships. That last piece is the one I’m working on. It’s easier for me to spot my own faults than it is to change them or make piece with the fact they may never change.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?


I haven't been here for a few years - it was good to unload about her affair back then in 2013/14. There was some tough feedback. Her affair still crosses my mind every day in some way - you just have less pain; more objectivity. We're still together but it's been approx 5 years since any intimacy. I don't expect any - she is unable to talk about the subject. Menopause is a factor in the last 18 months but it makes no difference; nothing is going to ever happen again & I have accepted that. We are companions of a sort - paying off debt, seeing our son & daughter become independent. Being here tonight is a bit of a trigger but I triggered before I got here anyway; the thought of it. It's just an uncomfortable feeling, but mostly i'm interested in what people are saying these days.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Horizon said:


> I haven't been here for a few years - it was good to unload about her affair back then in 2013/14. There was some tough feedback. Her affair still crosses my mind every day in some way - you just have less pain; more objectivity. We're still together but it's been approx 5 years since any intimacy. I don't expect any - she is unable to talk about the subject. Menopause is a factor in the last 18 months but it makes no difference; nothing is going to ever happen again & I have accepted that. We are companions of a sort - paying off debt, seeing our son & daughter become independent. Being here tonight is a bit of a trigger but I triggered before I got here anyway; the thought of it. It's just an uncomfortable feeling, but mostly i'm interested in what people are saying these days.


Wow...

So, I gave my WH an ultimatum right before I found out about the affair. The relationship had become intolerable, but now I wonder, would I have followed through? I like to think so but I stayed in a pretty unhappy situation for a few years... so maybe the only difference between my situation and these... is that the affair was a catalyst and permission for me to leave. For many people, an affair is not even that. 

For some reason it’s really hard for me to hear the deep sadness of all these stories of those who “reconciled” but are just still in so much trauma and pain. Or worse, numb. I mean that’s not reconciliation at all is it? We could call that something like purgatory. I think of The Little Mermaid, and Ursulas garden.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Horizon said:


> I haven't been here for a few years - it was good to unload about her affair back then in 2013/14. There was some tough feedback. Her affair still crosses my mind every day in some way - you just have less pain; more objectivity. We're still together but it's been approx 5 years since any intimacy. I don't expect any - she is unable to talk about the subject. Menopause is a factor in the last 18 months but it makes no difference; nothing is going to ever happen again & I have accepted that. We are companions of a sort - paying off debt, seeing our son & daughter become independent. Being here tonight is a bit of a trigger but I triggered before I got here anyway; the thought of it. It's just an uncomfortable feeling, but mostly i'm interested in what people are saying these days.


Reminds me of our last 10 years ... As I watch her on her phone, like most nights, I wonder what we are getting out of starting together other than watching our son grow up. We all went to dinner, a pretty expensive dinner, just because we haven't don't a lot since Corona and all was good until some song come on.... Some how I ruined this song for her, she couldn't say why but unknown to me I've ruined it for her... So she changed it and hasn't spoken a word to me since.... Has had the phone up to her face the last 2 hours non stop.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Avgman said:


> Reminds me of our last 10 years ... As I watch her on her phone, like most nights, I wonder what we are getting out of starting together other than watching our son grow up. We all went to dinner, a pretty expensive dinner, just because we haven't don't a lot since Corona and all was good until some song come on.... Some how I ruined this song for her, she couldn't say why but unknown to me I've ruined it for her... So she changed it and hasn't spoken a word to me since.... Has had the phone up to her face the last 2 hours non stop.


Are you going to divorce when you’re done watching the kid grow up? Just asking out of curiosity. 

That must have been a special song you ruined! I’m kidding, but really that seems a bit over the top on the drama.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Avgman said:


> I usually come back here when things are getting me down. I've posted on here and been ripped and I'm fine with that, sometimes we need it. I'm back now because the wife had been on a roll again lately. Going to bed at 8 when I'm off and staying up till 12 or later when I'm working...Now she wants to (for whatever reason) keep throwing my mistakes up to our sons girlfriend. She's only 19 and our son is 17. How I've cheated, use to run the roads etc...not once mentioned her wrong doings. Even last night we were looking through pictures, a few of my ex best friend, her lover were in there. She just says, "that was an old friend of his". I don't say anything because I don't feel like I need to throw that stuff out there. But you'd think if she was so willing to trash me she would admit to her mistakes or not bring any of it up. I wanted to ask her why the pictures were still in there, but didn't, wanted to see if she'd throw them away...she didn't....so here I am. Going on 11 years and still beat my head in on those events. Reading Facebook post from 2010 and now knowing what they meant.


So, I think those pics should find their way into a shredder. SHE didn't throw them away -- no reason you can't.
Then "I have no idea what happened to them -- why would I look at them?"


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Avgman said:


> Reminds me of our last 10 years ... As I watch her on her phone, like most nights, I wonder what we are getting out of starting together other than watching our son grow up. We all went to dinner, a pretty expensive dinner, just because we haven't don't a lot since Corona and all was good until some song come on.... Some how I ruined this song for her, she couldn't say why but unknown to me I've ruined it for her... So she changed it and hasn't spoken a word to me since.... Has had the phone up to her face the last 2 hours non stop.


Wtf


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

No, it doesn't trigger me. It reminds me of how far I have come.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> No, it doesn't trigger me. It reminds me of how far I have come.


I just read your story... all 27 pages of your first thread. You HAVE come far! I’m glad for you.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> I just read your story... all 27 pages of your first thread. You HAVE come far! I’m glad for you.


It has been a journey haha


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Avgman said:


> Reminds me of our last 10 years ... As I watch her on her phone, like most nights, I wonder what we are getting out of starting together other than watching our son grow up. We all went to dinner, a pretty expensive dinner, just because we haven't don't a lot since Corona and all was good until some song come on.... Some how I ruined this song for her, she couldn't say why but unknown to me I've ruined it for her... So she changed it and hasn't spoken a word to me since.... Has had the phone up to her face the last 2 hours non stop.


You are teaching her how she can treat you. What do you really expect? It sounds like you make excuses to do nothing.

Once your son graduates will you then make more excuses? Maybe wait until he gets through college?

You’re conflict avoidant it sounds like. It is your life and you could make it what you want. You’ll get out of life what you put into it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Avgman said:


> I don't know, I could...I think she has a thing for the guy she works with. We all put a tracking app on our phone when our son started driving, not too long ago it showed her at the guys house. She works at a local bank and he's the owner's son, close to our age. It's literally across the road from her work and she claims it must have just showed her there. She might be, she might not be. To say I don't care would be wrong but I'm not interested enough in knowing right now. Our son is almost 18 and I just want him to graduate this year without a cluster f here at home.


She has a boyfriend and it’s already a cluster ****.

Don't think your son doesn’t know at least that somethings up. He may know a lot more than you think.

The bad part is you are teaching your son what? It’s ok to get walked on and treated like crap. You are his father. Kids learn most from their parents. You maybe fine being a conflict avoidant doormat. Is this what you want for his future? You’re lack of action, making excuses are setting him up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> No, it doesn't trigger me. It reminds me of how far I have come.


He handled it like a rock star. Got strong and stayed there.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> Are you going to divorce when you’re done watching the kid grow up? Just asking out of curiosity.
> 
> That must have been a special song you ruined! I’m kidding, but really that seems a bit over the top on the drama.


I don't know, I think we will end up separated. I can see the arguments getting more intense as our son gets older. She has prob said she was done or leaving 10 times in the last 3 months..this is another reason I think she may have her eye on someone else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Avgman said:


> I don't know, I think we will end up separated. I can see the arguments getting more intense as our son gets older. She has prob said she was done or leaving 10 times in the last 3 months..this is another reason I think she may have her eye on someone else.


Sorry man, from what you’ve posted you appear to be in denial. She doesn’t just have her eye on someone else. They’ve already consummated their relationship.

Maybe reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover would help you. It’s a free pdf download and short.

At least it would be good for your son to see something positive to help him in life. Right now you’re showing him what?


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## MiddleAgedFool (Oct 26, 2021)

BURNT KEP said:


> After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?


Struggling and I come here because I know what the right thing to do is but Im to chicken **** to do it. I guess I come here to"remind" myself thats its not alright and i deserve better, but here i am


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Struggling and I come here because I know what the right thing to do is but Im to chicken **** to do it. I guess I come here to"remind" myself thats its not alright and i deserve better, but here i am


You definitely deserve better but I am like you to chicken to move on. Also the money situation doesn’t help either.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

BURNT KEP said:


> Just curious if it’s just me?
> [/QUOTE
> 
> 
> I have the same issue.


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## Trdd (Jan 11, 2022)

MiddleAgedFool said:


> Struggling and I come here because I know what the right thing to do is but Im to chicken **** to do it. I guess I come here to"remind" myself thats its not alright and i deserve better, but here i am


I take it you are still married? Are you trying to reconcile or just living two separate lives in the same house?


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## Kamm (5 mo ago)

BURNT KEP said:


> After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?


You are strong . Your spouse is fortunate that u are forgiving . I see people get divorced over less things .


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Many of a story here triggers me some. The infidelity forums are an easier read if you got rid of the wayward. Reading the stories helps one have gratitude to have started as new life. But if you are keeping your wayward, you best read up lest you get trampled further... Once you have the knowledge and wisdom then maybe not so much. The past is gone and you don't need that extra dark acid in your blood for your wayward.


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