# seriously...some things are conditional



## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

i don't know why i am saying this, i'm probably bored (and continue to have problem with a mismatch drive). 

But so many people here seem to say, in various threads, that love/physical attraction between spouses is unconditional. If someone has gained a whole bunch of weight, the spouse who loses attraction for that person is "shallow". 

I disagree. Not taking care of your body is a good way to kill attraction from your spouse. Of course we age. I am a woman and I had weight gain with kids. But excessive weight gain, be it from having children, depression, anger at your spouse, whatever, is still weight on you and something YOU have to deal with. It destroys your health too. This country already has a huge weight problem. And we are saying we should always look in the mirror and accept the body image? Ever heard of BMI? If you are way out of the normal range, I do not consider "always love yourself" to be valid. If my h looks at other young women, I will just call him a jerk and shrug because everyone gets old. But I want to look and feel good for my age. How can you blame your spouse for not feeling physically attractive to you or feeling turned on by other women/men if you are truly out of shape? 

It is so not realistic.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I don't view it as 'unconditional." I do however have an issue -to use another thread as an example- with people who say because they lost weight, their spouse should lose weight too. Or because they are eating healthier, they should too. I think if you married a guy who is 400 lbs., then to bad, deal with it. That's what you married.

It's like marrying someone whose sex drive is lower than yours, then getting upset because you don't have enough sex. You knew what you were getting into when you got married and no one put a gun to your head, so why demand change after?It's an unreasonable request and unfair to the other partner.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Right. You can't expect someone to change just because you married them. On the other hand, bait & switch from them is also not acceptable.



kingsfan said:


> I don't view it as 'unconditional." I do however have an issue -to use another thread as an example- with people who say because they lost weight, their spouse should lose weight too. Or because they are eating healthier, they should too. I think if you married a guy who is 400 lbs., then to bad, deal with it. That's what you married.
> 
> It's like marrying someone whose sex drive is lower than yours, then getting upset because you don't have enough sex. You knew what you were getting into when you got married and no one put a gun to your head, so why demand change after?It's an unreasonable request and unfair to the other partner.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> It's like marrying someone whose sex drive is lower than yours, then getting upset because you don't have enough sex. You knew what you were getting into when you got married and no one put a gun to your head, so why demand change after?It's an unreasonable request and unfair to the other partner.


If you decide to go ahead with your marriage kingsfan, I suggest you make a sign with this comment and hang it over your desk, or put it in a time capsule and look at it again in 10 years. It is easier said than done. I was young and inexperienced when I got married. I thought the level of affection would be enough for me, but I was wrong, and I didn't envision it getting worse over time. People learn more about themselves and what they really want and need as they get older and experience life.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'm glad my husband doesn't feel that way, nor do I. I will admit that I was obese when we got married. And I gained roughly 100 pounds during my first pregnancy and within the first two years of our oldest son's life. For some reason, my husband DID love me UNCONDITIONALLY. Was he concerned about my health? Yes. Did he make his concerns known? YES! And did I do something about it? Yes! I tried various diets and exercise programs, all under my physician's supervision. It wasn't until, as a last resort, I chose weight loss surgery that I actually lost that weight, and more. I am regaining some, and I am trying my best to get it back off. But it is work. Miraculously, my husband STILL wants me. Guess what/ He's put on quite a bit of weight as well and I am STILL attracted to him. 

Yes, obesity is a horrible thing. I agree wholeheartedly. When I was at my lowest weight, I still saw that (almost) 500 pound woman in the mirror. So no, I didn't love myself. I look at pictures from that time and am disgusted with myself. And yes, even at those times, I was eating right. But nothing worked. But, I thank God my husband loved me, even then.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There is no unconditional love within a marriage - at least not in the way I understand unconditional love. You can have unconditional love for your children, and no matter what they may do to you, there will always be love for that child. Now if a spouse repeatedly hurts you in some way, then you can fall out of love. So in that sense, marriage does not equate to unconditional love. It takes lots of work to stay in love IMO. 

Now when it comes to weight gain, I think something like this isn't so simple. I don't think it would be right to leave a spouse just because he/she became chubby. The weight gain is probably a symptom of an underlying cause that is truly at the root of a problem in the marriage. That's my take.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kari said:


> If you decide to go ahead with your marriage kingsfan, I suggest you make a sign with this comment and hang it over your desk, or put it in a time capsule and look at it again in 10 years. It is easier said than done. I was young and inexperienced when I got married. I thought the level of affection would be enough for me, but I was wrong, and I didn't envision it getting worse over time. People learn more about themselves and what they really want and need as they get older and experience life.


Kari, trust me, it's well engrained. I was married before for 7-1/2 years (together for 10). I foolishly thought then that sex would come with marriage even though it had dramatically dropped before marriage. I was wrong obviously and I wasted a lot of years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, what I could change and what I could do for her. I failed to inform myself it's a two-way street and wasted a lot of time pursuing wasted efforts to get her into sex.

Now there were MANY other issues in our marriage besides the issue of sex, but the sex was a big issue. That said, IF I do get remarried again to my fiancee, then yes, I will go in knowing full well what to expect this time, and I will not demand change from her. I will expect the same level provided to me after marriage though as a minimum (and that goes for everything, not just sex). 

it's why I'm on this site now. i want to know other people oppinions of things, including sex, to see how they line up with my own and perhaps give me a better understanding of where my expectations line up.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Michelle38, I'm with you. It's not about aesthetics. It's not about what's beautiful and what's society standards etc etc etc. It's about HEALTH. Obesity kills. Plain and simple. And it's not pleasant deaths, either. If you love your spouse, I assume you want them to live long, healthy, productive lives. Not on disability forever with breathing problems, heart problems, joint pain, lower back pain, diabetes, kidney failure, and peripheral vascular disease... (Hospice nurse here. I've seen it all.)

I want to add a caveat here: My husband is overweight by about 30 pounds. He's been overweight since I met him (married last year) but more so over the last year. It's bad for him; he knows it. He doesn't try *quite* hard enough but he is trying. I still love him and there's no way I'm leaving him for 30 pounds. BUT...I worry worry worry. The human heart is not built to carry a 30 pound (or more!) stone wrapped around it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you marry someone thin and they get fat, that means you should get rid of them?? Why not help them through whatever the problem is?

Now, if all they do is sit on the couch, drink beer, belch at you and eat Twinkies, that's another story. I would only expect someone to put up with that for so long. I still would just be sad and not mad, that the person I married changed so much.

Hubby and I both have a few more pounds than we did when we married. There was a time his belly bothered me, but somehow I've grown and managed to move past that - it was MY thing, not his. He is reasonably active and doesn't eat too badly, and I think he's damned sexy. And he apparently thinks I am too. And I am glad it's that way for us.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

His_Pixie said:


> Michelle38, I'm with you. It's not about aesthetics. It's not about what's beautiful and what's society standards etc etc etc. It's about HEALTH. Obesity kills. Plain and simple. And it's not pleasant deaths, either. If you love your spouse, I assume you want them to live long, healthy, productive lives. Not on disability forever with breathing problems, heart problems, joint pain, lower back pain, diabetes, kidney failure, and peripheral vascular disease... (Hospice nurse here. I've seen it all.)


Being grossly overweight is one thing, but there's been recent indications that all this talk of BMI and ideal weight and stuff is not exactly on the mark, and that it's quite possible to be healthy at a weight that society currently deems 'obese'. There is so much misinformation floated around under the guise of it being 'For Our Health' that I wish people would just stop, because we try so hard to conform and in the process we're killing ourselves.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband was thin when we met then he quit smoking. He then gained 30 pounds . I loved him so I married him anyway. It really wasn't that big of deal. Then over the years he proceeded to gain another 30 pounds. THAT was a tad hard to deal with. I would never have left him over it but it was a turn off as it was all in his belly and he had that double chin thing going on. And yes it was from sitting in front of the tv eating junk food. I don't know what was the bigger turn off overeating or being fat. LOL

He's since lost the 30 pounds and I'm VERY happy. He could lose another 20 but I'm cool with where he is. I don't expect him to look like he did in high school neither do I but moderate it. KWIM?


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

I in no way intended to say someone should leave the spouse if he/she has gained weight. 

But the weight gainer should not blame the other party if the latter thinks a huge belly is a turn-off. 

This is U.S. We always say we do everything for ourselves. Losing weight is healthy so we do it for our own sake. However...

If we buy flowers, dress up, doll up, and we are doing many of these things to please our spouses, then why not consider losing weight in this category? Why is it such a touchy subject? 

I am speaking from a woman's point of view. When I feel I've gained some extra weight, I start working on it. I am in no fear of losing my h over that weight, but I just want to look nice, for myself AND for him. Everyone's body image is different. But I see women not happy with their own weights, then they feel sad when the h points it out. That does not make sense. We can have better willpower than this sulking attitude.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> When I feel I've gained some extra weight, I start working on it.


Okay I'm thin but I'm going to play devils advocate for a minute. There are many reasons people overeat. I'm convinced now that my husband overate because he was unhappy at home WITH ME. His needs weren't being met. And the irony is that is what my mother did. She was grossly overweight.

For some people they can't just will this away. They have to get to the core reason they do it in the first place. I think we need to show compassion for those spouses who have this problem. It should be treated like any other addiction. There are many times emotional issues at the core of weight problems. I kinda suspected this of my husband for a while but couldn't prove it. I started going out of my way to meet his needs and voila he quit eating so much. Problem solved.

BTW my mom's eating problem was TOTALLY connected to how my dad treated her. Just sayin....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Okay I'm thin but I'm going to play devils advocate for a minute. There are many reasons people overeat. I'm convinced now that my husband overate because he was unhappy at home WITH ME. His needs weren't being met. And the irony is that is what my mother did. She was grossly overweight.
> 
> For some people they can't just will this away. *They have to get to the core reason they do it in the first place. I think we need to show compassion for those spouses who have this problem. It should be treated like any other addiction. There are many times emotional issues at the core of weight problems.* I kinda suspected this of my husband for a while but couldn't prove it. I started going out of my way to meet his needs and voila he quit eating so much. Problem solved.
> 
> BTW my mom's eating problem was TOTALLY connected to how my dad treated her. Just sayin....


Right there. Very true for me. And, no matter how much I tried to diet, or any exercise... it didn't work. It really isn't just a simple matter of overeating and not getting our asses moving. And yes, I can say that because I AM still over weight. Some of what I have left I can't get rid of without plastic surgery... and that's not happening anytime soon. Weight gain and weight loss isn't simply a cut and dry issue.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> For some people they can't just will this away. They have to get to the core reason they do it in the first place. I think we need to show compassion for those spouses who have this problem. It should be treated like any other addiction. There are many times emotional issues at the core of weight problems.


Red: don't agree
green: agree

I am going to play devil's advocate back. 
Overeating is not an addiction, well, perhaps it is already being added to that list, in addition to sex and gambling. I think with chemical alterations in the body, true addictions occur like drug and alcohol. But if everyone in this country's eating problem is an addiction, our healthcare system will have an even EASIER time to to treat everyone's _addiction_ in addition to all the medical problems brought up by obesity. 

I do think many people's eating problems stem from emotional issues. But they need to get to the root of that problem. A woman does not get emotional needs met by h, overeats, then gets even more neglected from the h, does she deserve sympathy? Yes. But does that sympathy serve her any good? Depends. If you just tell her "you are what you are and you are beautiful". Ugh. Tell her "look, you are hurting yourself. either have a talk with h, or leave the guy that doesn't deserve you, but either way, lose that weight. it will only do you good". and you are doing her a favor.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Right there. Very true for me. And, no matter how much I tried to diet, or any exercise... it didn't work. It really isn't just a simple matter of overeating and not getting our asses moving. And yes, I can say that because I AM still over weight. Some of what I have left I can't get rid of without plastic surgery... and that's not happening anytime soon. Weight gain and weight loss isn't simply a cut and dry issue.


I'm an emotional eater myself. I eat my feelings. The only thing that saves me on my size is that I have a high metabolism. And because I'm incredibly vain. I'll gain 5-10 pounds then starve myself. Lose it and start the whole process again. Therapy was the only thing that helped me get a handle on this. I still emotionally eat but it's not near as bad as it used to be.

One of my favorite books is called When Food Is Love. Good grief I cried all the way through that thing.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

And... what about the medications some people have to take which promote weight gain. You can argue all you want that they can take it off if they WANT to. I'm telling you THEY CAN'T! I have watched my husband for FOUR YEARS gain weight due to medications. He has been removed from one, only to, eventually, be put on another one that does it as well. He doesn't over eat. And, if he doesn't take these meds, he is impossible to live with. So, excuse me if I, respectfully, disagree with anyone who says "you can get rid of the weight if you really want to".


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I would never dump my H because of weight gain but i doubt i would find him particulary attractive.

When I met/fell in love/married him he was slim and athletic, a non smoker, mod drinker, out doorsy type who also loved to have lots of hot sweaty sex . This is what I agreed to and 'bought' into.

If after a few years he got obese or starting drinking heavily and not wanting sex I would have every right IMO to feel dissappointed.

We all age. But some FAR more and far faster than others. 

We all have 'bad hair days'. But some have them every day and don't seem to care.

I stay fit and healthy for me first...then for him... because i know he likes me slim and fit.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Maricha75 said:


> And... what about the medications some people have to take which promote weight gain. You can argue all you want that they can take it off if they WANT to. I'm telling you THEY CAN'T! I have watched my husband for FOUR YEARS gain weight due to medications. He has been removed from one, only to, eventually, be put on another one that does it as well. He doesn't over eat. And, if he doesn't take these meds, he is impossible to live with. So, excuse me if I, respectfully, disagree with anyone who says "you can get rid of the weight if you really want to".


I would have to aggree with you on that last statement.

I worked in the fitness industry for 10+ years. Some people have an incredibly difficult time shifting weight...while others can drop 10lbs and a dress size in a week, easy peasy and it's not fair! Mindyou...what in life is??

I imagine 'most' folk would allow for such considerations as medications or an immobilising accident causing weight gain (if they don't they're an a$$) but many many people are fat because they eat and drink too many (nutrient poor) calories for the amount of movement their body does each day and if my H was getting overweight for that reason I'd want to talk about it....


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

What a luxury it must be to make ones' looks the priority in ones' life. I speak from a working wife/mom perspective. I would have loved the time to join a gym, shop the organic food store, prepare recipes from scratch, count every calorie taken in and every calorie expended. I would have enjoyed long hours getting pampered with mani/pedis, facials, and massages. And shopping for stylish, attractive clothing would have been fabulous. It would have been just like being single again.
However, my life as a wife/mom/employee no longer allowed me the luxury of putting me first. I got up at 4:30am to get ready for work, left the house by 5:30am and returned home by 6:45pm. I took the kids to and picked them up from daycare/latchkey on my way. I handled all the household stuff, kid's school stuff, shopping, holidays, vacation planning, etc. I had no time for hobbies, TV ( I was the only one in my office who had no idea what was going on in Grey's Anatomy or who had won American Idol), computer (no Facebook for me) or social outings. H pretty much did what he wanted to "help" but took actual responsibility for very little. I was so tired, defeated, frustrated and had growing resentment towards H. I derived pleasure from eating. It was something that I could do at home, while doing all the other stuff I had to do. It did not require planning, work, or companionship. It was the only reward I could give to myself. Over a period of 20 or so years, I gained about 60 lb. 
I think it is this way for many women. We are on an endless treadmill of work, kids, husbands, family. We are exhausted (people who don't get enough rest gain weight) and joylessly trudge forward. Food is a quick, available, satisfying reward in a world that does not seem to value all we do. Anyway, this has been my experience and was pretty much the experience with 80% of the women in my office. Most are overweight, tired, stressed, and short tempered and see no change in the future.
So, Michelle, it is not always a moral flaw to be overweight. It can also be a result of prioritizing oneself last on a long list of "have to's".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Template said:


> What a luxury it must be to make ones' looks the priority in ones' life. I speak from a working wife/mom perspective. I would have loved the time to join a gym, shop the organic food store, prepare recipes from scratch, count every calorie taken in and every calorie expended. I would have enjoyed long hours getting pampered with mani/pedis, facials, and massages. And shopping for stylish, attractive clothing would have been fabulous. It would have been just like being single again.
> However, my life as a wife/mom/employee no longer allowed me the luxury of putting me first. I got up at 4:30am to get ready for work, left the house by 5:30am and returned home by 6:45pm. I took the kids to and picked them up from daycare/latchkey on my way. I handled all the household stuff, kid's school stuff, shopping, holidays, vacation planning, etc. I had no time for hobbies, TV ( I was the only one in my office who had no idea what was going on in Grey's Anatomy or who had won American Idol), computer (no Facebook for me) or social outings. H pretty much did what he wanted to "help" but took actual responsibility for very little. I was so tired, defeated, frustrated and had growing resentment towards H. I derived pleasure from eating. It was something that I could do at home, while doing all the other stuff I had to do. It did not require planning, work, or companionship. It was the only reward I could give to myself. Over a period of 20 or so years, I gained about 60 lb.
> I think it is this way for many women. We are on an endless treadmill of work, kids, husbands, family. We are exhausted (people who don't get enough rest gain weight) and joylessly trudge forward. Food is a quick, available, satisfying reward in a world that does not seem to value all we do. Anyway, this has been my experience and was pretty much the experience with 80% of the women in my office. Most are overweight, tired, stressed, and short tempered and see no change in the future.
> So, Michelle, it is not always a moral flaw to be overweight. It can also be a result of prioritizing oneself last on a long list of "have to's".


I call BS to this way of thinking ....poor me I'm the only one who can do all this stuff.marty syndrome . it wasn't important to you so you didn't make it a priority in your life.

the reason you were exhusted is because you were out of shape and overweight.

not only that you didn't provide a good example for your children on how to make eating properly and exercising a priority for a healthy life style.



and the rest are just excueses.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

chillymorn her story is my moms down to a T. They both assumed that was their lot in life and they accepted it. Sad really. I will never to this day understand why my mom stayed so miserable all those years with my worthless do nothing dad. If she was going to have to do it all anyway wouldn't it have made sense to do it elsewhere where she didn't need food as a comfort? My dad was the sole reason she overate. She resented him for not helping and for treating her terribly. Take him out of the picture and the problem would have been easily solved.

Oh and my mom was a beautiful woman. She wouldn't have been alone for long.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Call BS all you want. I am simply giving my story.
I do not have Poor Me Martyr Syndrome. I have I Am Married to a Self Absorbed Ass Syndrome. On workdays he left the house 2 hours after I did and returned more than an hour before me. He did not want to take or pick up the kids from daycare. He did not want to set the table or serve the dinner I put in the crockpot at 5:00am. He needed his "down time". He had hobbies (computer, TV, napping). He slept in on weekends while I took the kids to sports practices and games. He did mow the lawn and call for the plow when we got snowed in. I asked, begged, pleaded for him to take over some aspect of housework.......laundry or shopping and making dinner or alternating getting up on weekends get the kids to their sport (they were allowed one sport per season, so we were not over scheduled). He would promise, but not deliver. We did not eat poorly. Neither of my kids are overweight, nor are they junk food junkies. I simply gained weight because I ate too much.
My H did finally complain about my weight as he was not attracted to me with the extra baggage and my shorter (faster to care for) hair. I then decided to do something about my weight. I hired a personal trainer. I keep a Paleo pantry and spend my Sunday cooking my food for the week. He does not care for Paleo and he is free to cook what ever he wants as long as he does not leave me a mess in the kitchen. In order to have time to work out daily and get 8 hours of sleep, I put him in charge of keeping the house clean and tidy. It is a mess because he is overwhelmed. I don't complain about the condition. Not my responsibility anymore.
After 14 months, I finished losing the 60 lb (plus 10 more)in 2/2012 and as a reward, took myself on a cruise. I used the time to clear my head and have planned my exit strategy. 
H thinks I am hot now. He says he had no idea that I was not happy and can't understand why I want a D. 
You are right in that I did not make diet and exercise a priority while my kids were growing up. I did not make ME a priority during that time. Looking back, the only thing I would have changed would be my H. He had the power to take some of the load off of me, but selfishly chose not to. 
And, I am not one of those women who divorces her husband and then loses the weight to troll for someone new. I lost it in spite of him and right in front of him and am not looking for another relationship.
Oh, and the reason I was exhausted was because I was getting 4 to 5 hours sleep per night for extended periods of time, working a stressful job, and raising a family without help from my partner.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nothing, esEcially love & marriage, is "unconditional"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I call BS to this way of thinking ....poor me I'm the only one who can do all this stuff.marty syndrome . it wasn't important to you so you didn't make it a priority in your life.
> 
> the reason you were exhusted is because you were out of shape and overweight.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but I find this rather judgemental.

While I think Template should have forced the issue with her H years ago, that's about the only flaw I can find for what happened. To read over her life story and say she was basically lazy and making excuses for 20 years is likely wrong and overly harsh.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Sorry, but I find this rather judgemental.


 Putting it mildly.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> i don't know why i am saying this, i'm probably bored (and continue to have problem with a mismatch drive).
> 
> But so many people here seem to say, in various threads, that love/physical attraction between spouses is unconditional. If someone has gained a whole bunch of weight, the spouse who loses attraction for that person is "shallow".
> 
> ...




Beauty is in the eye of the beholder


I have to say though...When you very first meet the person you are with, THAT is was they are initially attracted too. After passing time, they want you to look that good still or better! No partner really wants there other half to let themselves go.
I think that is something to take into consideration for your spouse/boyfriend. We all do get old, but while healthy and capable there should be no excuse for it!:iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Sorry, but I find this rather judgemental.
> 
> While I think Template should have forced the issue with her H years ago, that's about the only flaw I can find for what happened. To read over her life story and say she was basically lazy and making excuses for 20 years is likely wrong and overly harsh.


calling it like I see it . it wasn't a priority in her life so she let it slide. 

and I see it all the time. why didn't she kick him to the curb way back then.if it was such a problem?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> calling it like I see it . it wasn't a priority in her life so she let it slide.
> 
> and I see it all the time. *why didn't she kick him to the curb way back then.if it was such a problem?*


That is the real question, not summing her life up as a litany of laziness and excuses. One problem (in this case a frustrating spouse) can cause a long list of other issues.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its hard for most people to take ownership of their own lives even I struggle with it at times. It's way easier to blame someone else for OUR problems.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Has anyone watched the biggest loser?

These same people who constantly struggle with weight and say they cant get rid of it!!!! 
They are proof that no matter how big you get, you CAN loose it.
If medication is causing an issue with weight gain, then maybe it is disrupping responses in the brain and sending doffent signals to other parts of the bodies to produce more than what it should, or is limiting the response to weight loss.

My Bf's mother has had her thyroid removed and a complete hysterectomy. She gained a good bit of weight due to that.
Those two thigns in a womens body are enough to dissrupt and complicate weight loss. BUT, she eats good, and does indulge in foods that she knows will add to the weight. Still she makes the effort to go to the gym, walk and works alot. Shes always moving and energetic. Might i add this is a woman with rhuemitiod arthritis. She still goes! She is loosing her weight but is a very slow process, and if she stops her routine of excersise the weight will come right back no matter what she eats, due to lack of hormones and metabolism loss. 
The arguement over this i think is one to fluctuate.
Whos to say someone that is paralyzed can loose weight, when they cant even respond to themselves.!!!!! Everyones body responds differently to things. There are some people out there that do need Alot of extra effort and then there are others thatare not so fortunate in the sense.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

I didn't kick him to the curb because I loved him, unconditionally, and was committed to our marriage. I thought I was supposed to pick up the slack if he would not. I asked, pleaded, took him to counseling to get him to help. He would do some things for a little while, then slack off. He would promise to get up and take the kids to sports on Saturday morning so I could sleep in and then "forget" to set his alarm. After a while, I found it easier to just do it myself, along with most everything else. It did not do any good to ask for help or for him to take responsibility for some aspect of our lives because he would not consistently follow through. I was not unhappy, just resigned to life as it was. I honestly was so focused on getting through the daily grind, I did not see the big picture. The turning point came when he told me how unattractive I was because of my weight (and short hair) and how that lack of attraction could lead to lack of sex and to the end of our marriage. I was taken aback as I had spent many years taking care of him, the kids, aging parents, home, and bringing in half the money without even thinking of divorce. He would divorce me because I was FAT??. WTF! I would not have considered D just because he didn't fold clothes, cook a meal or wash a dish. It simply had never occurred to me.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Template said:


> Call BS all you want. I am simply giving my story.
> I do not have Poor Me Martyr Syndrome. I have I Am Married to a Self Absorbed Ass Syndrome. On workdays he left the house 2 hours after I did and returned more than an hour before me. He did not want to take or pick up the kids from daycare. He did not want to set the table or serve the dinner I put in the crockpot at 5:00am. He needed his "down time". He had hobbies (computer, TV, napping). He slept in on weekends while I took the kids to sports practices and games. He did mow the lawn and call for the plow when we got snowed in. I asked, begged, pleaded for him to take over some aspect of housework.......laundry or shopping and making dinner or alternating getting up on weekends get the kids to their sport (they were allowed one sport per season, so we were not over scheduled). He would promise, but not deliver. We did not eat poorly. Neither of my kids are overweight, nor are they junk food junkies. I simply gained weight because I ate too much.
> My H did finally complain about my weight as he was not attracted to me with the extra baggage and my shorter (faster to care for) hair. I then decided to do something about my weight. I hired a personal trainer. I keep a Paleo pantry and spend my Sunday cooking my food for the week. He does not care for Paleo and he is free to cook what ever he wants as long as he does not leave me a mess in the kitchen. In order to have time to work out daily and get 8 hours of sleep, I put him in charge of keeping the house clean and tidy. It is a mess because he is overwhelmed. I don't complain about the condition. Not my responsibility anymore.
> After 14 months, I finished losing the 60 lb (plus 10 more)in 2/2012 and as a reward, took myself on a cruise. I used the time to clear my head and have planned my exit strategy.
> ...


Our stories are soooo similar that it's scary! I too gained weight although so did my stbxh. I was the get up at 6:00 a.m. mom who didn't stop until 10:00 at night with very little time to herself. Although food wasn't my drug - it was alcohol. A couple of glasses of wine a night (every night) while cooking, cleaning, helping my daughter with school work will pack on the pounds and cause an addiction. My hubby sat on the couch eating and not lifting a finger for years. When I'd ask for help, he would complain and whine so I got tired of it and just did it myself. Then years later I decided to quit drinkinking. I started exercising, lost 50 pounds, got back out into the world and he still sat on the couch watching t.v. We talked about it but he just didn't want to come along for the ride so now we are nearly finished. 

So anyway, I understand your view and how this happened. I don't see you as a martyr or asking for sympathy. It's just how things went. We eventually come to realize that that lifestyle is bad and that we have to make changes for ourselves first. I give you kudos!


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Template said:


> My H did finally complain about my weight as he was not attracted to me with the extra baggage and my shorter (faster to care for) hair. I then decided to do something about my weight.
> After 14 months, I finished losing the 60 lb (plus 10 more)in 2/2012 and as a reward, took myself on a cruise. I used the time to clear my head and have planned my exit strategy.


Your first response was what I hope women not to do (put themselves on the end of list and use overeating as a strategy to deal with life), but this quoted part was what I am hoping women(or men) should do. So, instead of whining, being depressed, and God forbid eating more, the weight gainer would finally wake up and lose it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like being married to a hoarder. Eventually you have to ask yourself if can go on with someone like that no matter how you used to feel about them.


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