# Need advice, please!!!



## asking (Feb 6, 2013)

Ok, here is my situation; I have been married for 10yrs. Seven years ago, before having children, my husband and I had a pretty rocky relationship. We weren't really friends, he is a few years younger than I and many disagreements would end in him calling me names and trying to hurt me verbally. I want you to know, I am aware that this was no excuse for my actions. I looked for friendship in a co-worker. He was 10yrs younger than me. We were friends and one night on a business trip, after attending an open bar event, we had sex. I immediately felt horrible!!! It was difficult but we both put it behind us, agree it was a huge mistake and remained friends. I never told my husband, out of fear of loosing him. Approximately 6 months later, my husband and I began to really get along. We went on to adopt 2 children, whom we both love very much!!! My husband and I both have really matured over the last 7 years and our relationship has been really strong and loving. Though, throughout the last 7 yrs he has brought up this friendship I had and said how he thought I had maybe cheated on him. I continued to deny it out of fear for loosing my wonderful family. 
Last week he asked again, he explained how nothing would change between us but he just needed the peace of knowing his instinct was right so long ago. Out of respect for the person he has now become, I wanted him to have peace. I told him what had happened. He was instantly furious, understandably. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was, I acknowledged what a stupid mistake it was. 
He is now goes from telling me how I am his best friend and he loves me to badgering me to the point of me crying. I work long hours and will come home and sleep, he will wake me up telling me what a horrible person I am and calling me names. He told our children one night that he doesn't love me!!!! I had to explain to them that he was just mad about something and didn't mean what he said. 
I need advice as to what if anything I should do. I want to go back to last week and forget this ever happened, but I know that can't happen. I want to love him forever. I know I would never put myself in that situation again!!! Never make that mistake again!!!! He says he can't trust me, doesn't respect me and only partly loves me. Yet, he hasn't left???? He continues to try and have sex with me. I need to know what the best thing to do for my family is???


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How about marriage counseling? 

My bet is that he "knew" all along and just wanted you to admit it. It was eating him up but needed confirmation before he exploded.

It sounds like he hasn't changed, just laid low until you admitted it.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

He sounds like an a$$hole. 

He told the kids he doesn't love you? WTF! I think you misjudged his maturity.

He wants to punish you. Good luck trying to work it out with him in this state. 

Hopefully he will calm down soon and see you as person, not an ideal. 

I think patience with boundaries is needed here. You need to help him rein in his emotions. Don't let him involve the kids by not tolerating that behavior. Give him some temporary slack with his private treatment of you, but try and help steer him away from the madness with your boundaries.

I know I lashed out at first and was really angry when I was in the thick my wife's ongoing affair. I did some things I regret, but I was able to move from the anger. I don't think you can save this unless your husband is able to do this as well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're still in the very early stages of him processing how he's feeling. To you, things happened years ago and have been over for years. To him, they happened last week, and he has no idea what actually happened. As you've seen in here, cheaters rarely give the full story voluntarily. Cut him some slack. Offer to attend counseling with him. Offer transparency on all your communication (i.e. cell phone, e-mail accounts, etc). You could even offer a polygraph.

One final note... None of us can tell whether he was being honest that nothing would change if you tell the truth, or if he was using that to get you to open up. In any case, I think a lot of betrayed spouses would use pretty much any means to get the truth, and worry about being nice later. The end result is that he found out the truth, and he's hurt by it. Unfortunately, he's lashing out, and hurting the kids as well. 

C


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

While this is history for you it is new to him and he is going to go through a range of emotions. You have to give him time to process this. What if the tables were reversed.

You need to suggest you will got to MC and right away.

At this point he has mind movies of you doing things with this guy that are making him go nuts. If you to do not have oral he is imaging you giving it to him. If you are quite he is thinking you screamed your passion.

You will have to say you are sorry a million times so get ready for that. This will take some time. What ever he asks about what happened make sure you answer completly and honestly.

Do you still work with this guy. If yes you will need to change jobs right away


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## asking (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you for your responses!!! I have asked him to go to see a marriage councilor with me. He agreed a few days ago but told me last night he changed his mind. I know it is still very early on. You were right in saying he feels like it happened last week and I have had years to deal with it. I have offered complete transparency even to the extent that he insisted I contact my old friend, put him on speaker phone and ask him to discuss the circumstances around our encounter. I knew that was not healthy but wanted to do whatever he thought would be best for him. He also told me last night he planned on cheating on me every chance he got. I think he was just angry and emotional. He has had a history of saying things he doesn't mean when he is hurt I just want to do the right thing for all of us involved. I think of how happy my kids are and how much they thrive in the loving environment we had created.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Try to undstand he is hurt, he is on an emotional roller coaster. He is now questioning everything he thought to be true. You need to show remorse, give him complete honesty, and be transparent. Give him your passwords, you will need to earn his trust again. You need to tell him your sorry, over and over and over. Thousands of times. 

Let him ask you questions, do NOT tell him he should be over it in a few weeks. For you it was years ago, for him it is now and he will be reliving it for a very long time to come.
Ask him if he will consider marriage counseling, if so make an appointment...you take the lead on this. Make sure the counselor has experience helping couples recover from an affair, not one that just wants you to move on and focus on the future.

Please read some of the threads from those that are reconciling after an affair. there are several, you will see true remorse, recovery is not for the faint of heart.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You cheated on him, you gaslighted him for *years*. Everything, your whole story is into question, everything, your character, your story. His worse fears just become reality, you guys just entered in an terrible emotional rollercoaster. His behavior is prefectly normal, predictable. You "dealt" with it years ago, he's barely processing it.

Be proactive, cease any kind of contact with OM, offer your husband all your passwords, offer him to send OM a standard NC letter.

Some readings for you.
This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Print this for your husband.....

Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights


In marriage, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto our loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.


1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.


2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.


4- You have a right to know who the OP (other person) is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.


5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.


6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs (wayward spouses) will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.


7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.


8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.


9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.


10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.


11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.


12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.


13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.


14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.


15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

For you the indescretion was six years ago and for him it might as well have been yesterday

He needs time to process all this. You had an affair, one that turned physical and he feels what is the ultimate betrayl

Have you offered to give him all passwords to all your email accounts and social networking sites? Have you read up on what it means to be transparent?

While others have said it, the two of you need marriage counseling ASAP

A wound like this will need years to heal and restore trust. Hopefully you'll be able to do this


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

asking said:


> Thank you for your responses!!! I have asked him to go to see a marriage councilor with me. He agreed a few days ago but told me last night he changed his mind. I know it is still very early on. You were right in saying he feels like it happened last week and I have had years to deal with it. I have offered complete transparency even to the extent that he insisted I contact my old friend, put him on speaker phone and ask him to discuss the circumstances around our encounter. I knew that was not healthy but wanted to do whatever he thought would be best for him. He also told me last night he planned on cheating on me every chance he got. I think he was just angry and emotional. He has had a history of saying things he doesn't mean when he is hurt I just want to do the right thing for all of us involved. I think of how happy my kids are and how much they thrive in the loving environment we had created.



Make the appointment and go to MC even if he does not go at first he will start at some point. Once you made the appointment get a sitter for the kids and let him know when you are going where it is and so forth


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

asking said:


> I need advice as to what if anything I should do. I want to go back to last week and forget this ever happened, but I know that can't happen. I want to love him forever. I know I would never put myself in that situation again!!! Never make that mistake again!!!! He says he can't trust me, doesn't respect me and only partly loves me. Yet, he hasn't left???? He continues to try and have sex with me. I need to know what the best thing to do for my family is???


 You need you to allow him the dignity of venting his anger at you. He will say hurtful and stupid things. He will say things that he should not. In his mind there needs to be consequences to insure that you do not cheat again. If the consequences is not going to be him leaving you, then his anger and rage are all that he has. Accept these consequences if you do not want him picking the leaving you one. You need to ride this out and show remorse. You need to comfort him and let him know that you have changed and are very sorry. You need to do this again and again until he is ready to move on. I am not say let him do this forever, but give him time to punch himself out. You have hurt him to the core and it will take time for him to heal. For you it was 7 years ago. To him it he just learned about it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

You said a friend and co worker. That implies you still have contact with your OM.

You must go NC with the OM.


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