# So I backed off and I am the nice guy but now how do I....



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Bring up to her that I would like for her to do things differently or add this or remove this.....For example, last night she gave me a very nice BJ and I promised to myself not ever criticized or suggests anything for next time because i am following this forum advice....but how do i bring this issue with her about what she can do next time to make the BJ more enjoyable for me...i mean it was good, but had better from her...i understand though that when it is better is because she is horny but the whole idea about communication is being able to improve your relationship...but it seems that when you are going through a phase where you are just too emotional or both are, things dont really work out by letting her feel like she was not good enough....so how can i bring the issue about what i didnt like too much and what different i would like for her to do next time without hurting her feelings....as you know about my problems, my wife and i love each other very much but have gone through a rolle coster of emotions for the past year trying to figure out how to improve verbal communication - both ways Ive come to realized since i come across as never being happy or satisfied with what she gives me when it is not the truth about how i feel....so how i asked her to improve her techniques, without making her feel, again, like last time we did something together was not good enough?:scratchhead:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

DONT bring up what you like/don't like/want from her for awhile.

Give it some time of not being dissatisfied, criticizing, asking for something, without wondering when you can start up again. 
Be patient, put her needs first for awhile, make her feel loved and desired and attractive, and eventually she's more likely to want to do for you too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you simply tried instructing her DURING?? I love it when my H does that, tells me what he wants me to do during a BJ or sex! It isn't a turn off at all, because he is helping me RIGHT NOW do what he wants instead of sitting down afterwards and giving me a list of what should improve LMAO. ( Not saying you would do that, but a little cartoon popped up in my head like that LOL)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Tell her how much you love her and appreciate her. Tell her it meant a lot to you that she met your sexual needs last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> DONT bring up what you like/don't like/want from her for awhile.
> 
> Give it some time of not being dissatisfied, criticizing, asking for something, without wondering when you can start up again.
> Be patient, put her needs first for awhile, make her feel loved and desired and attractive, and eventually she's more likely to want to do for you too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, i just dont talk about it at all....just go about our day and be fun, loving, and positive.....nothing about next time....well, i guess it has never worked well for me before.....it is difficult when you think you had done it in the past and she just dont get it...how to stay happy when the things that could make you the most happy you dont have and maybe never have...you know interest from your wife to give you better and different everytime...just because she is thinking of you and whats make you happy...to me doesnt work like this...time being nice and not demanding will translate in her not really pushing it to make exciting en ejoyable.....ahrrrr.....after spending so much time working in my relationship and coming her, to realize i am fu____ked up!....i will never have with my wife the relationship i want.....but i love her enough to stop hurting her....so i wont say anything......but i need to find ways to deal with my needs....that is the tricky part


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I replied to your other thread in men's clubhouse. 

BE PATIENT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Star said:


> Marco, seriously!!! She gave you a BJ last night and the following day you are here asking for advice as to how SHE can make it more enjoyable for you!! What do YOU want her to do that will make it more enjoyable? Do you even know? Have you told her? If it’s a technique thing then help her by giving guidance as to what feels best but I read some of your threads and it’s like nothing is ever good enough for you. You just crave more, more, more, honestly are you setting your expectations to high?
> 
> I have a question for you are you ever happy with anything she does sexually for you? And how would you feel if this was reversed and it was her complaining that what you did last night was ok but you want it to be better next time ect, ect?
> 
> ...


Thats what i am doing by talking here....the problem is that you dont understand where i come from because you dont know the whole story....but what i can tell you is that FOR REAL I STOPPED, STARTING YESTERDAY, TO TALK HER ABOUT WHAT EVER WE DID THE NIGHT BEFORE - PROMISED...now, i understand what you said about some nights being hotter than another nights, but shouldnt all of us, be always trying to improve our lives?....isnt what we all do everyday???...why our sex life will be any different.....but i get your point and i am being a good friend and husband to my wife....only love and fun, if i have issues i come here..for support...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> Thats what i am doing by talking here....the problem is that you dont understand where i come from because you dont know the whole story....but what i can tell you is that FOR REAL I STOPPED, STARTING YESTERDAY, TO TALK HER ABOUT WHAT EVER WE DID THE NIGHT BEFORE - PROMISED...now, i understand what you said about some nights being hotter than another nights, but shouldnt all of us, be always trying to improve our lives?....isnt what we all do everyday???...why our sex life will be any different.....but i get your point and i am being a good friend and husband to my wife....only love and fun, if i have issues i come here..for support...


 I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't constantly strive to better your marriage, but that doesn't only pertain to the bedroom Marco. You stopped yesterday. Its been one day! Really? You haven't stopped yet, you have PAUSED lol. 

I think it would be good for you to try and put the shoe on the other foot. What if you gave your wife, what you thought was mind blowing oral last night. And then she sat down and said okay, now next time don't do this, it sucked, try this because it will be better, knock x, y, and z off your list I didn't like it, etc, etc. Probably not much like a man after that, right?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Don't say anything. You do kind of seem hard to please, no offense. And I see some of you in me, the whole I need to know how to make things better NOW. 

Work on making things better outside the bedroom, and once communication and general nonsexual affection are better, the rest will follow. You've got to get to that point where you can talk dirty and tell her what you like. But how satisfied is she, really? She probably has needs that she doesn't want to convey to you for fear of hurting your feelings and/or damaging the communication.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried giving her positive comments and feedback? When she does something "right", let her know with a moan or "Oh baby, I love that!". You could also try that with your "post-performance review"... Tell her what you liked, don't dwell so much on what you want improved.

Just a thought. My other thought is that there's a world of difference between constantly pushing a partner to try new things that they may not be enjoying vs. providing constructive comments. Most (?) partners would like the gentle feedback. But most (?) would also be hurt thinking that what they where doing was never enough. 

I don't know if you have kids... But I'd think of it as a child trying to pick up a new sport. As a parent, you want to encourage them to enjoy it, and to do the best they can at it. But you can't push too hard, or they'll walk away from it, and never want to play again. So you use a lot of positive reinforcement, throw in a few constructive suggestions, and pay attention to how they're feeling and responding. You also don't try to change them from a beginner to pro overnight... Baby steps. It CAN be a fine line at times. Sorry for bringing a kid analogy into the sex forum, but it's the only one I could come up with at 7:30 on a Saturday morning... 

C


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't constantly strive to better your marriage, but that doesn't only pertain to the bedroom Marco. You stopped yesterday. Its been one day! Really? You haven't stopped yet, you have PAUSED lol.
> 
> I think it would be good for you to try and put the shoe on the other foot. What if you gave your wife, what you thought was mind blowing oral last night. And then she sat down and said okay, now next time don't do this, it sucked, try this because it will be better, knock x, y, and z off your list I didn't like it, etc, etc. Probably not much like a man after that, right?


......mmmmm, well, i report back in a week then....but since myself i just can keep suffering the way we both suffered when arguing about this, i am serious when i said this is it...it stopped....i am taken one for the team...but wont be easy and for that i need you guys.....thats all...


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> Have you tried giving her positive comments and feedback? When she does something "right", let her know with a moan or "Oh baby, I love that!". You could also try that with your "post-performance review"... Tell her what you liked, don't dwell so much on what you want improved.
> 
> Just a thought. My other thought is that there's a world of difference between constantly pushing a partner to try new things that they may not be enjoying vs. providing constructive comments. Most (?) partners would like the gentle feedback. But most (?) would also be hurt thinking that what they where doing was never enough.
> 
> ...


Nothing to be sorry, it is very good.....thanks


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Star said:


> I hear what you are saying with me not understnading the whole story BUT I have thread your posts/threads here and most of the time it's all about "how can I get my wife to...." ect ect and yes I see nothing wrong at all in wanting to improve things BUT I think that you can run the risk of pushing someone too far and that then takes away *their *enjoyment as they can begin to feel that they are not good enough for you, it just seems from what I have read in your posts that she rarely meets your expectations/needs.
> 
> It's early days as this is only the first day of you backing off but alarm bells are ringing for me when in your opening sentence you say "but how do i bring this issue with her about what she can do next time to make the BJ more enjoyable for me..." Are you really trying to back off? I dunno.


i can see your point....next time, i'll try to suggest things during but never before or after ...thats work?...and never sound not satisfied....i will make the change...i have to...i cant keep going like this....yesterday i couldnt go to work because we had anothe issue the night before...not sex related but about her communication problems towards me....i guess i have to keep working in my marriage...but i do love her for reall...not kidding i think of her, she inspires me....i find her beatiful and sexy...is just her lack of verbal communication around sex and emotional intimacy...i get more coming here that talking to her ....but i guess, i have to accept her the way she is and how much she is trying...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> i can see your point....next time, i'll try to suggest things during but never before or after ...thats work?...QUOTE]
> 
> Marco, this is what I love about my H. He will instruct me as to what to do during a BJ. Tighten your lips, oh my god yeah like that, holy sh** babe, etc, etc. So it isn't criticism, he is helping me find what he likes.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

She should not give you anything so she won't make mistakes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

DawnD said:


> marcopoly69 said:
> 
> 
> > i can see your point....next time, i'll try to suggest things during but never before or after ...thats work?...QUOTE]
> ...


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

mslonely said:


> she should not give you anything so she won't make mistakes.
> _posted via mobile device_


support ms lonley support...not helping you comments....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> DawnD said:
> 
> 
> > I'll try that next time....and see how she responds...she may not like it.....but i know she loves me and wants to make me happy so i have to show her that i lover he so much that i am willing to change myself...i hope that, with time, i can get from her what i need if not, i guess at least i tried my best
> ...


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

DawnD said:


> marcopoly69 said:
> 
> 
> > Break the ice by having her tell you what she wants during some "play time" first, and then before she goes to repay the favor say " is it my turn now?" while smiling and see what response you get.
> ...


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