# Getting past trust issues



## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

I've posted several threads already. DH and I have been together for 17 years, no kids. We've been through a lot together. Over the last couple of years we've been under a huge amount of stress. Dealing with bankruptcy, job loss, infertility. We've both been seeking individual counseling. Me on trying to understand his anger, verbal, and alcohol abuse. He just did his first individual counseling session to deal with child abuse/neglect, which he just revealed to me a couple of days ago. I knew he was abused as a child, but I had no idea the severity, which now explains all of his anger, trust, and abandonment issues. I wish I had known all of this sooner.

Now, he just started a new job and is going to individual therapy. We're at a point where we both agree that he needs to take time to deal with his issues and get help, then we need to focus on us. We've gotten to a point where so much has happened between us, hurtful things have been done and said. We do love each other deeply. I just hope that we will be able to move forward and get past all of our hurt. 

I had made a stupid comment two years ago telling him that if he ever cheated on me that I would probably forgive him. Obviously, it was hypothetical, but I have been paying the price for that comment for the last two years. As callus and stupid as it was for me to say that I can't take it back. I have never cheated on my husband, nor has he cheated on me, but he has since put spyware on my computer and cell phone. He is so suspicious of me. And now he's telling me about his trust issues. 

On top of all this he has involved my family in our problems, which has made it more stressful on me. We had been able to contain all of our problems until he "reached out" to them and told him all of this crazy stuff. So, now they are very worried about me and what's going on in the marriage. They don't trust him and don't want to have anything to do with now.

I don't know how/when everything got so out of control. I know we're hanging on by a thread, but I'm still holding out hope that we can save our marriage especially now that he's getting therapy. 

All of this is also very stressful on me. Do I continue to defend him to my family or do they even need an explanation from me? I am very angry at him that he got them involved. Can love really heal everything?

Sorry this is so long. This is my only place of solace until I meet with my counselor on Friday.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, honey.

Well, I think you tell your family right now that they need to back off and stay out of it. You and your husband are at a very fragile place, and trying to rebuild -- the last thing you need is a bunch of Helpful Hannahs weighing in with their opinions.

Love cannot heal everything, but love and patience and taking things one day at a time can work wonders, so give that a chance. And you only have to make it till Friday when you see your counselor.

But I would send a very kind but very firm email to someone in the family and ask them to make it clear to everyone that this is simply not up for discussion right now, that they are not helping you, and that you need them to respect your need for space and privacy right now. (Yeah, good luck with that, but still -- you have to try  )


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

I have told my family to just give us our space right now. However, I'm learning that DH would call them (my dad, aunt, cousin) and tell them they he's leaving me. Their reaction was, what do you want us to do about it? Plus, he's does this more than once now. When he does this is when they're asking me what's going on. As far as they knew everything was fine between us.

When I confronted DH about why he was calling my family he said it was because he was trying to reach out for help to talk to someone. He gets like this when's he stressed and drinking and when I'm at work. I didn't know he was doing this.

All of this has really caused a lot of tension.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, no kidding! He has to cut that sh*t out. And cutting out the drinking wouldn't hurt either, but I'm sure you know that.


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes and that's where I don't trust him. Every time he would get a paycheck he'd head straight to the liquor store. Drink, then the depression would start. It's been a bad cycle. He acknowledges all of this. I just hope the counseling will be able to help him.

He gets a job, it doesn't work out, he drink, gets depressed, and combined with the stress he's already under just doesn't work. That's been the cycle. I've told him numerous times that if a job doesn't work out it's okay.

He's doing the counseling and I hope he sticks with it. Then we're going to do marriage counseling. If that doesn't work then that's it; we know what the end result it. He doesn't have a relationship at all with his parents and siblings. I, on the other hand, have an pretty decent relationship with my family. 

I told him from today forward we are both to keep our issues between us and not involve anyone else. 

I like what you said earlier about taking it one day at a time. That's where we are.


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