# Who's first the (New Wife) or (Biological Kids)



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

So I have been dating a man for the past 14 months. We both had children. I had 3 girls (8, 6, 4), him 2 girls (11, 9). We moved in together since were so excited about this new family. He had been divorced for 4 years. Planned a August wedding, we ended up canceling. We also in the midst of this were expecting a new one of our own a little boy, he was born in Oct. 

Long story short. The moving in together didn't go that great. He ended up moving out a mere 5 months later. The biggest issue we disagreed on the kids. It seemed like it was ok to discipline my children, but he was afraid to spank his own? He would advocate for instance one of my to get a spanking from me for ex. lying. When his own would do the same he would just talk to them. He told me on a couple of occasions that he was afraid to spank them, or afraid to change things up with ex-wife since didn't know what she might do. One of the last things his 11 yr old and I got into it. She had said something disrespectful, as the incident was going on he backed me on it. Then after it happened he said to me, "Well all she said was...". He justified it. So we disconnected....he said he felt in the middle. I felt abandoned while carrying his child, and he decided to leave. I felt as if he chose the two kids over me, the other kids, and then our kid together. 

We have tried to continue on the relationship long distance he lives an hour away, and it is difficult. He even wants/wanted me to move up there to him in July 2013. However until trying to dig for information I now found out that his kids don't really want us together. He never told me what exactly they said, he was real careful with his words. Then said he didn't want to talk about it, that he was scared to ask them afraid of their answer if they were ok about "us". I did tell him I didn't feel comfortable with them not being ok with us, and then us moving in together again. He said well they don't ultimately make the decision. 

I guess my question here is....if you are going to put the needs of your kids first and disregard your partner then why get involved. I felt very limited with them. I felt abandoned. At the end of the day I look at it like kids do need to be treated well, but also need boundaries. If they see that all it takes is them doing something and it can break up the family...they'll do it. What happens if we get married? What kind of relationship would we have when the kids grow up & leave the house? 

Shouldn't the marriage relationship come first, then center the kids around it?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

1lostintranslation said:


> Shouldn't the marriage relationship come first, then center the kids around it?


Yes!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, but you two need to be on the same page. I think you two should meet with a family counselor to help you in this transition and agree on what is acceptable from the kids, what isn't and what the punishment is. Is it time out for not doing a chore when asked? Losing a phone or electronic game rights for a week for being disrespectful? I think you need to be in agreement. The kids shouldn't dictate Dad's happiness. The kids will be happy if there is fair and consistent expectations from both of you. 

Should I remarry I would expect my new husband to discipline my daughter simply because he would be the other adult in the household. Just as if my daughter were spending the night somewhere and was reprimanded by the parent there, the adults rule the household wherever they are.

You do need to back each other but I think discussing and agreeing on the role each of you play is absolutely necessary. The kids will see you two are on the same page and will stop pitting one against the other. Then they can finally open up, relax and start enjoying what you bring to the family.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Who comes first new wife or kids?*

well spanking isn't an effective means of discipline anyways


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You have a lot going on. Number 1 though is you need to raise children with consistency. There can be no "guessing" from the child's stand point. Children need VERY clearly defined boundaries and consequences.

I won't get into spanking. I'm not necessarily against it, but I've never had to. My kids fear me more than a spanking when it comes to problems. 

My biggest concern in all of this is the baby. What's going on there. Sorry but you two jumped the gun on that one. I certainly hope something can be done because it's a shame to be born into issues.

I'd definitely try for family counseling, first for you two, then the children.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Always ALWAYS put the adult relationship over the kids, even if it's not a blended family. Putting the kids first creates jealousy and frustration from the ignored parent, as well as distancing the adults from each other (See "we just grew apart").
Kids should always be treated fairly and equitably. Unless his kids are post-pubescent and yours aren't, there's absolutely no reason for them to be treated this differently.
Why the hell is he afraid of his kids?
I also agree with everything that that southern wife and EnjoliWoman have said. But if you two are going to move back in with each other (especially if it means relocating) you should have all your ducks in a row before moving back in.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your children come first. Give them a stable drama free life. Stop moving in with men. Stop becoming pregnant out of wedlock.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

For me the most important is that my kids are happy and comfortable with the changes in our lives. I am taking things very slowly, have not introduced my kids to SO and have made it clear that we have NO intention of moving in together for many years. My oldest would be at Uni and my youngest would be almost finished secondary.

I am able to have a very good relationship with SO without living together. It is very complicated to bring two families together and most people I know do not discuss the issue upfront or do it in a way that does put the children's needs to the fore. 
I would never say my relationship is first and then my kids have to fit in around the adults to suit the adults.

Honestly I think moving in, talk of marriage and having a child is all way too much, not that many blended families are really successful. Why the need to rush things?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I think spouses' relationship does come first blended family or not. Again like many said, you need to be on the same page, and that takes communication, time, and effort. Things like discipline need to be discussed prior to marriage and all kids should be treated equally. The whole moving in and out is a lot for kids to take and understand.

On the spanking issue, he shouldnt be required to start spanking his children if that was not how he previously disciplined them, however he shouldn't be advocating for something he does not do to his own.

Kids from blended families do have it tough and maybe it was hard for them to see their dad with someone new, but at that point you had already moved in together. I wonder if it was just an issue of them getting to the new dynamics of your family?

I think you all should look into counseling before you move forward with your relationship.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Kids come first (successfully married for 25 years with 2 children originally from my wife, part of my family called step kids) 

If your kids don't like the spouses, first, people your respective kids like.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

*Re: Who comes first new wife or kids?*



Almostrecovered said:


> well spanking isn't an effective means of discipline anyways


That is a matter of opinion. I think many more parents who don't, should.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I wouldn't consider moving in with him again until you're both on the same page regarding discipline. Children need good healthy boundaries in order to feel safe and secure, and those boundaries need to be equitable and upheld by both parents.

If your relationship is to work, OP, you and your partner need to present a firm, but loving, united front to the children, otherwise they're going to play one of you off against the other - which it sounds they are doing already.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

It seems he is afraid they will answer they don't want US to be together. I feel like he showed them in moving out that it's ok to walk out on responsibilities ie pregnant fiance. Whenever times get tough to jump ship. It made me lose faith in him and not trust him. I feel like I''ll always be looking for the next time he''ll walk out on US because of them.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Like Cosmos said, you all need to present a united front. All kids will try to play parents against each other at one time or another, even kids in a nuclear family.

It's going to be hard to get the trust back, and you have a right to feel that way IMO. I really suggest counceling if you decide to work it out with him.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I suspect his daughters at those ages (11 & 9) will be difficult for any new step-parent. Then throw in 3 younger step-sisters plus a new baby is too much drama for them. This will get worse when they become teens. Teenage girls can be a nightmare for parents (some).

I understand you had a dream of a happy blended family & you now see the reality is not easy.

I'm going to be honest here. There is NO WAY I would have moved in with a man after only 14 months w/o marriage when my daughters were as young as yours are & I certainly would not have had another baby with him.

Why was your marriage postponed?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Who comes first new wife or kids?*



gbrad said:


> That is a matter of opinion. I think many more parents who don't, should.



pretty unanimous among child psychologists that it not only doesn't help but also harms the children


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

*Re: Who comes first new wife or kids?*



Almostrecovered said:


> pretty unanimous among child psychologists that it not only doesn't help but also harms the children


I don't think it unanimous.

controversial issue.

http;//www.drheller.com/spanking.html


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I suspect his daughters at those ages (11 & 9) will be difficult for any new step-parent. Then throw in 3 younger step-sisters plus a new baby is too much drama for them. This will get worse when they become teens. Teenage girls can be a nightmare for parents (some).
> 
> I understand you had a dream of a happy blended family & you now see the reality is not easy.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

we canceled due to lots of arguments about kids and me not feeling like i was being heard. he said he felt in the middle. after we canceled things got worse he moved down to basement with his kids and stayed there for 2 months. it was this disconnect and stand off. then he moved out....came back later & we tried to work out things but i feel shafted. the two girls get most of his parenting time. his son sees him once a week. while he has girls literally half time. i feel like my son treated the way i was. he says that not the case though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

*Re: Who comes first new wife or kids?*



Almostrecovered said:


> pretty unanimous among child psychologists that it not only doesn't help but also harms the children


I was spanked, and have spanked. If done properly, don't see a problem with it. But doing it to harm is not good.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I understand spanking / hitting your kids is considered normal in a lot of other cultures, namely, the Eastern ones. 

With that being said, I absolutely think that the husband/wife MUST put the marriage first. Like you said, OP, what will happen when your kids leave the house? My parents put my brother and I first, always. They didn't even like each other anymore in the end, and ended up getting a divorce when I was 12. My boyfriend has a co-worker who puts her child before her husband. Both of them are emotionally cheating on the other. I know not everyone is like this, these are just some examples I've noticed.

Remember, kids leave, spouses stay. Your spouse will be with you after your kids are gone and have their own lives and families, so you better make sure you two enjoy each others' company!

I understand it may be harder in a stepfamily, what with feelings of guilt from the divorce, etc...and although I don't necessarily believe you have to put them first when you are just dating, you must do so when you're married.

And yes, you and your SO really need to talk in-depth about boundaries, what's acceptable and what's not, before you move back in...since you are essentially uprooting your life for him.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I agree. There will need to be many more conversations. It just really concerns me that he wants to get married still (i do as well), and wanted me to move in with him. He wanted me to work part time (which would limit my money & make me dependent in a way)....all of this not knowing how the kids would take this and not sitting down with them and telling them what is going to be done. When him and I discussed him talking to the kids about it, he didn't want to talk about it. He said they were hurt and didn't want to give me any info on what was said. He said to drop it. Well then of course I let him know that I would not be moving. I didn't feel comfortable putting ME & MY CHILDREN in a lose situation. I feel like that kids are not the issue, they do what they are allowed to do. I feel like he is afraid of them and the ex-wife. My issue is with him since we are not on the same page. I don't know how to convince him that kids need to be included but not dictate parents lives. Either you agree or you don't. I just don't know if I should consider it a wash and move on.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

While it is important to demonstrate a healthy marriage for kids, your kids are your kids for life. There is no going back on that. They should be the most important things in your life. If necessary, you can find another spouse to share your life with.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

gbrad said:


> While it is important to demonstrate a healthy marriage for kids, your kids are your kids for life. There is no going back on that. They should be the most important things in your life. If necessary, you can find another spouse to share your life with.


I agree, I think the game is definitely changed when you're talking about blending families. While having a partner is an important part of life, if you already have children going into a relationship, I think they're the larger priority. You've already had them and you're responsible for them while they're growing up. If you and your SO are the only two in the family getting along with each other, you're doing a huge disservice to the kids that have no choice but to be there as well as to each other. Compatability between all of the family members as well as a conscious approach to blending the family - rules, manners, consequences - has to be firmly in place before there's any chance of things working smoothly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Around 70% of second marriages that are blended families end in divorce. You can see why.

The relationship of the parents should come first. It's the foundation of the family. But it's hard to do this with a blended family.

Remember that the two of you like/love each other. There is no reason why the children have to like the whole thing or their step parent and step siblings.

I did it, raised by 2 step children from age 10 on.. they are in their 20's again. I love them. But they did everything in their power to make life hell. My son suffered from the drama they caused. I don't think I would ever do it again. Not worth it.

Mybe the two of you can live near each other and raise your own children. YOu joint son can go back and forth. Then have a plan that when the children are gone you move in together. 

Or you can do that and go to counseling and learn how to co-parent each other children and move in together over time.

Why did he move so far away if he wanted to be with your? Makes no sense at all. Especially leaving you pregnant.

All of these children do not need this drama. Both of you need counseling/help to get through this should you choose to stay together.

And no, do not go to work part time. Do not give up your ability to support yourself. Pay for child care and housekeeping help if you have to. But keep you job, advance your career. This is a guy who moved out and left you pregnant instead of handling the problems.

He's not a good father either if he's afraid of his kids and his ex (in regards to the kids).

Stop bringing drama into your children's lives.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Well he moved an hour away because that is where he was from. He had been commuting since we moved in together an hour each way then decided to move back when it hit the fan. however he realized rather quickly the mistake he had made and tried to make amends. Like i said before wants me to move there with the kids. Rent out my house i own my home , & we would like in an apartment or townhouse. He wants me to work part time & take care of the kids. which is what i wanted to begin with however now i don't know if i can trust him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YOu have a lot at stake here. Giving up your job for a guy that cut and ran on you. 

I see a pattern here.

He is afraid of his children and ex... so he is too weak to disicpline his children.

Things don't go well living with you so instead of seeking help to get your relationship and blended family to work he cuts and runs (he's afraid to deal with emotional issues).

Now he thinks he made a mistake and wants you to change your life and your children's life for him. This way he does not have to make many changes. It's something of a form of avoidance or cutting and running.

If you really want this relationship then get professional help and do a lot of reading about blended families, remarriage, etc. Tell him that you need him to work through this with you.


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