# Advice wanted



## AHMEPLOV (Mar 1, 2011)

I just wanted some different opinions on this.... apologies about the length on this, I have a hard time trimming...

I have been married about a year to someone who is the closest male match to me and it is truly unique and wonderful. I have been lucky in my dating life and have had some truly decent people in my life but this one is something else. I met him by accident a short time after a waste of time longterm dating relationship collapsed. Problem? He lived in CO, I in San Diego CA at the time.

My mother passed away a week after I met him and he alone knew how to take care of me, flew me out to visit my birth state (CO) and a long distance relationship bloomed and eventually turned into engagement. We could not make CO or San Diego as a home so we both moved to Bay area CA to start a new life after 7 months of LD courtship. We married a few months later and life has been splendid. We are best friends, we carpool and spend pretty much all day not working with eachother and are not experiencing "fatigue" despite the exposure.

Problem? When he was twenty one (he is 34 now, I'm 30), a girl he followed across the country broke his heart. He returned to his home state of UT and wallowed in regret and all those typical 21 exaggerated feelings of remorse. He rebounded with an sub average (his self esteem shot) girl who was a friend of his buddy's girl who, no offense to anyone, knew nothing about how to swallow a pill on time every day and drank too much underage despite her "faith" and allegiance to the Mormon church (he was no angel either but he had separated from that as a very young man -another story) Long story short, average girl got knocked up at twenty after 4 meetings. 
They were never an item and had nothing in common. Both families, being strongly religious, basically told him you're damned if you don't marry her. He resisted for a year but caved and married her when the child was about 1 due to intense pressure from his father who threatened not to ever assist him if it didnt happen. It was a backyard wedding by a justice of the peace and he almost did a no show.

He was never around much but never cheated. His work was with a family business and he travelled frequently. she stayed at home. She never held a job and never went to school. She came from a white trash bg (I can say that because I did too but I made something out of it) and I think being supported by him was a step up. When the child was three, she got knocked up again despite being on b/c (I suspect it was to keep the free room and board coming - he worked his ass off to provide nice house car etc) He was never really around much but always provided. He hated it, didnt sleep in same bed ever again and kept sane by doing his own thing put him self thru U of CO- but again never slept with anyone else or compromised the "roommate relationship. He had a dog he loved and he tried to be a role model but he never wanted children - but he tried his best.

So she ended up running over his dog of 8 years who was more of a partner than she and the "marriage" act couldnt be sustained. They were "married" for ten years. I met him in the separation period.

Now I don't know what to do. The kids are in UT, I haven't met them, I am embarassed that anyone in his family took this sham of a marriage to be serious. I was born into poverty, got emancipated at 17, put myself through school, supported a younger brother, bought a house at 28 in Socal and have a nice job. She is an example of sloth incarnate and couldnt even balance a checking account and really what kind of stay at home mom uses cream of mushroom soup in every meal? (When I had custody at 19 of my brother, I learned a little about how pressed for time you can be but I worked -jeeessszzz- spice it up now and then!)

However his mother was pissed when he got married to me and tried repeatedly to convince him what a catch this girl was. The thought of being held second to this girl by his parents or his kids is nauseating. The strain is occuring because he wants them out here for summer and I want to be a good person but I don't know how to act. I really can't imagine they way young minds would be shaped by her and her trashy family.
He also feels guilty because he can't get out there much and never wanted them in the first place but wants to be a good father and feels awkward speaking to me about it because of my issue. He also has concerns about the quality of her family. 

I also am resentful because I have a serious painful medical issue that can only be solved by a hysterectomy and I basically have one shot at having A (uno) kid. I am planning on waiting until his are 18 so I can be supported properly through the process. That would put me as a mother at 38. Thoughts?

He puts me as #1 but I realize there are others involved with this. 

Any "I've been there" or "do this" would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you for wading through the babble. AHME


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wanted or not, they're there and they're real. You'll get no flames from me for any "trashy" remarks you make. I understand that kind of family only too well. I'm well acquainted with the little girls who believe a pregnancy is a way to hold on to her "man". 

When these kids visit, the only thing you can do is peripherally be their friend. They don't see much of their father as it is, and need that continued contact with him. A good thing would be to spend time together (all of you), and allow for time for him to just be with the kids minus you. You're likely coming into this at a disadvantage, since you don't know what's been told to the kids about you. The only thing you can do is be pleasant and friendly, and try not to force anything. 

You're going to wait for 8 years to become a mother? Just askin'. I understand your reasoning behind this. What I don't understand is why you think he couldn't "properly" support you if you became pg sooner. Is it a money issue? 

I had my 4th child when I was 42. I'm sure you know that the older you get, the harder it gets to get pg naturally. 38 is by no means an old woman, but when it comes to reproductive issues that's an age that could be "dicey" when it comes to getting pg. And the chances of having a Downs baby increases with each passing year. I had my 3rd child at 31, and I remember reading "advanced maternal age" on my chart. I was stunned. Advanced maternal age at 31????? What the heck they must've thought at 42, huh? 

I still remember the OB sliding a piece of paper across his desk...the risk numbers for Downs for each year past 35. Wasn't the end of the world, but it wasn't good, either. I'm not trying to talk you into having a baby any sooner, I'm just sayin'. 

As far as his kids go, I guess the jury's out on that one. You're just going to have to see how they take to you. Let's just hope that given the history of the family, they will welcome you with open minds.


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