# lost confused and scared



## Lost1979 (Dec 7, 2014)

ive been with my husband for 12 years and married for 11.5. ive been thru his cheating verbal/mental abuse and addiction and ive chosen to stay hoping that he would wake up and realize 1 day what he had in front of him. he's been away with a school trip for 5 weeks and tho he has had the ability to talk with me he has chosen to be unavailable for most of this trip. he has told me since being gone that he is seeing things thru a different set of eyes and he has many regrets where my 3 children and I are concerned and he wants to make right by us. and yet all I hear are the words his actions still show otherwise. tho im at a loss I woke up this morning and realized his return home in a week feels more like an impending doom than a joyoius reunuion. he has refused a separation in the past so I already know that is not an option for him. I however have com to the realization that im almost 40 and im not even content. no where near content. I don't know if this will get better. it doesn't matter what ultimatium I give him I no longer believe that he will change or can change. He suffers from the highest level of PTSD and wont seek treatment and im torturing myself waiting for him to get better. I just don't know how to tell him that tho I still love him with every breath I take that I don't believe that I am still in love with him and that I don't think I can do this anymore. I too have been looking thru a different set of eyes and im not liking what I see at all. is there anyone here that can help me. I don't know if I should leave or stay I don't know what to do. I don't believe in divorce I feel as tho I really haven't been left with a choice at this point and im scared it might be a mistake to walk away from. plz help me. I feel so alone. so lost.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After 11.5 yrs ....its safe to say you are not making a mistake in waking away.

Maybe if it was 11.5 weeks, even 11.5 months you might be wrong....but in this case it looks pretty solid that this would not be a mistake and you are in fact correct to walk away.

Or...

you can wait for another 11.5 yrs just to make sure

Do you really want to live like sh1t for another 11.5 yrs much less another second?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you make a plan and get all your ducks in a.row. If sh1t doesn't changes between now and then then you will have prepared your self and will be ready to pull the trigger if sh1t does change with your old man then you can be sure the changes stay in place now that your old man knows you can and will just let him go.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like it’s time for the talk.
You need to sit down with yourself and decide exactly what you want out of the relationship and what you are willing to compromise on.
Present it to him and see what his reaction is.
BUT…be prepared that he will either lip service it or commit.
Have a detailed set of consequences and STICK to them.

Make his seeking treatment for his PTSD to be the first priority, as that will help other things fall into place.
He will NOT “get better” without intervention if it’s as bad as you say.

PTSD is very difficult to deal with because of the differences in brain chemistry induced by the events. It often produces states that are nearly impossible to break without a specially trained person.
He is probably in “devil you know” mode and afraid of returning to any semblance of normalcy.

If you want to improve your relationship, that is THE first place to go.


Good luck with this. 
Come here and vent, ask questions, get support.


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You came to the realization that you can't do this anymore......and finally at long last. You weren't supposed to stay through all the _cheating verbal/mental abuse and addiction_. You should have left back then. It's great that you now know there is real happiness waiting for you. No one will be perfect, but this isn't even close enough to have wasted your time on.


----------



## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Someone told me something that helped me alot. That I don't need to prove to him I can make it on my own but rather I need to prove it to myself. I need to create a "me" atmosphere. Since then I have gone out with friends ( of which all are mothers), breakfast, bar, house, whatever. This entire situation of separating gave me a new perspective. I never made time for me and didn't realize it until all of this happened. It is time for ME to be selfish and spoil myself.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I like SamaraiJack's response. If he hasn't been willing to follow up most of his words with actions, it's time to have a direct, sit-down conversation with him where you are extremely clear and direct with your words regarding the situation as you see it. Women commonly have a habit of communicating with men as if they are talking to women, often talking "around" a subject or some variation of female lingo. To make things clear, you have to be as specific and direct as possible. Saying things like, "I love you, but I am very dissatisfied with our marriage. I haven't seen any reason to believe that it is going to improve in the near future either. At this point, no amount of apologies or promises is going to change my perception of this, I think the only thing that would keep me from asking for a divorce is if I can see immediate ACTION (not promises) in the following non-negotiable areas..."

If you are unsure of your ability to deliver this, you might try seeing an IC or MC and then asking your husband to attend with you. If it helps convince him this first time, just explain that it's purely for you, not for him.

And make sure you separate the list of "non-negotiables" from the "Eventually would like to have's" list. Like him seeking treatment for his PTSD, or getting into MC could be non-negotiable, absolute requirements. Going on date nights more frequently, talking more while he is away on a trip, getting help around the house, etc. would be more like "Eventually nice to have's". The non-negotiable list should be as short/simple as possible, so as to not make him feel like it's insurmountable and hopeless.


----------

