# Pregnant and Husband has an affair



## tornmumtobe (Dec 18, 2012)

I am half way pregnant and found out recently that my husband has an emotional affair with my cousin which did lead to sex once or twice. This affair is probably going on for a month now. He admitted to this when I asked him about it after I started feeling very uncomfortable for a while when being together (the 3 of us). Note I didn't confront him, i was already broken down and crying badly about how i felt and it was to my surprise that he admitted that something was going on. Since then we had very open and honest talks... as i detail them below.

Reflecting back on our marriage we had our issues of course or else this wouldn't have happened. We have been married for over 3 years (and over 6 years of dating) and basically as time past we started to move into routine and also did our own thing as we had different interests. Also his sex needs were not fulfilled 100% and it got to a point where he just decided he didn't care and thought i didn't love him anymore. He told me that at that time he thought 'i'd be happy as long as wife was happy'. He did not raise the seriousness of these issues with me and I did not realise that he was so frustrated and upset as he hid all his feelings. (Yes in hindsight i admit I play a big part in failing to pick all this up and I am very guilty had causing our marriage to be in so much trouble).

My husband and her have known for over 2 years as she used to live overseas, and since meeting, have developed a very good friendship. He treated her very well and I always did not have an issue with is as she was my cousin and I knew he cared for her just like my other relatives because he loved me. He has a very caring nature. 

Him and her are very compatible, and think very similarly. Currently he is just fully infatuated with her, and believes he feels 'loved' as she can understand him very well (due to similar personalities and similar thinking) and believes there is a very strong connection between them. 

Her breaking up with her ex (she initiated) I believe was the trigger as he mentioned when she cried in front of him he was in so much pain to see her cry and the pain resonated as he felt that he and she were both unloved. He insisted that nothing was going on between them even then when he was comforting her and I do trust that is the case but I think it was this trigger that made him realise he had strong feelings towards her. 

He told me he also doesn't really understand it happened. He said he never attempted to fall in love with anyone else and definitely did not pick her up intentionally but it was like a switch that turned on and he was out of control. He's always been a rational, determined person and this is the first time in life where he questioned whether he could control life or is it destiny that this could happen!

So the fire started and grew extremely rapidly and both think they are 'meant to be' given that they share strong mental connection and apparently can be thinking of the same thing even when are physically apart. They love each other crazily.

My husband says he stills loves me and that is why he did not lie to me when i asked him (whereas he could have denied as i had no proof whatsoever). He said he didn't realise that i loved him that much and thought that we started doing our own things as I didn't love him anymore (but there was nothing to trigger a breakup so life just carried on). He now realises how much i love him, but he thinks its too late to go back. He was also very upset to see me cry and basically torn with guilt and struggling to decide between the two of us.

When i totally broke down after finding out, I asked him to leave her and stay with me to rebuild our marriage. I forgive both of them for what they have done as I love them both. 

However he also loves her madly, and cannot 'abandon' her. His heart can't control it, he says. They tried breaking it off after the revelation but it didn't work. Therefore at this stage he is not going to stop all the ties with her. (In saying that it is pretty much impossible with family gatherings!). But he is willing to stay here to support me as I still have a special place in his heart (I was his one and only) and he knows I cannot live without him. He has no intention to leave in the short term (say 2 yrs).

He thinks he still loves me but I know now (it's 2 weeks since revelation) that he loves her a lot more than me at the moment, and he could love me as a 'best friend'. He says he has to love me else he would have just walked off and wouldn't stay and risk giving up 'the love of his life' as potentially she cannot stand the guilt and the lifestyle being in the shadows in the future. 

He is willing to give me a chance to do what i want (ie rebuild) but my biggest issue is that the chances of it working if he doesn't break the ties with her is very slim. It will be much more complicated for me to attempt to rebuild and fill in the gaps in our marriage and putting effort into doing things that will make him happy. Nevertheless i have decided to give it a shot (for me and my unborn son) and hope for the best. I want my son to have a happy family. He says he can't promise anything as he can't control his heart anymore and he is so lost about whether he has control in life anymore.

As I mentioned I have forgiven them. I truly do, as I have managed to meet her alone and talk through things together without any anger...we were hugging and crying together. 

I'm not sure whether i can emotionally handle what is to come going forward - a 3 way relationship. I will just have to tolerate and bear with it. I cannot leave him, he cannot leave her. She said she is happy to leave provided he allows for it. I know him well and basically he also has said that he can't abandon her so if she leaves now he will definitely chase after her. I cannot bear the loss of him. I rather bear the pain knowing he is happy from seeing her than to lose him.

Since the revelation she has been trying hard not to see him and refuse to see him so he is at home to spend time with me and she is trying to tell him to treat me better. Although she loves him she is also very guilty of what she has done. She loves me a lot so she doesn't want to hurt me more. So it seems like it's my husband who's trying hard to hang onto her and is crazily in love with her. But they continue to text on the phone everyday and has maintained close contact that way.

However when he's at home he is so so upset it when she doesn't want to see him and that makes me very upset... and so he gets even more frustrated as I am also in pain. It's not helping with our relationship so I have told him i rather him go see her than be home like that. I love him to the extent I rather bear the pain knowing he is seeing her than to feel him so upset. 

As an aside...I mentioned that his sexual needs weren't fulfilled 100% and that was one issue with our marriage. He told me that he isn't drawn to her sexually and although they have done it, she is refusing to do it with him again since the revelation due to immense guilt. He is however unwilling to have it with me as I am pregnant so that need will remain unmet for awhile. 

It seems like my only hope is that she can't stand it anymore and she leaves him. OR both of them gradually realises they don't love each other as much....

As another aside, no one else knows about this and I do not want to expose it to family and friends given the impact it will have on the extended family, plus him and her. He is totally happy for me to expose it and have people judge him saying he deserves everything as he knows he was wrong, but i really want to protect him from all that. So when we have family or friend gatherings we 'pretend' we are all good.

I know i am probably very dumb and stupid to accept a 3 way relationship but at the moment this is the only way i can cope... it's much more unbearable at the thought of losing my husband. I'm emotional as it is going through the pregnancy (it was a risky one at the start) and my emotions went from rollercoaster high when i confirmed bub was healthy to rock bottom within a few weeks and I really love and need my husband. I can't imagine how i will live without him.

Has anyone gone through something similar where the lover and husband cannot cut the ties and managed to cope a 3 way relationship in the short term? 
What happened at the end? 

I know this is a long post... thanks for reading.
There aren't many avenues for me to release my emotions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh my God.



> Him and her are very compatible, and think very similarly.


Yes. I'll bet. They both think cheating on the pregnant close relation of hers is perfectly OK.

Well, here's a newsflash for them: It isn't.

Oh, you aren't dumb. You are in love, pregnant and in mental anguish over what these two did to you.


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## Whileaway (Dec 19, 2012)

My boyfriend cheated on me while pregnant as well... I thought it would destroy me. He was away doing his masters when i got pregnant... It happened right before he left for Europe. At first he was very supportive but then he just stopped calling and being around... I knew something was up. I feared he didn't want to be with me anymore... As if being pregnant had made him stop loving me after three years living together.

Wen he returned I was 7 months pregnant. A week after he returned he proposed and we got married a month after... However.... I looked around on his computer and found out about two different girls he'd been with in the months he was away. That's as much as I got.., but if fear there were more. I cried so hard I thought I was gonna go into labor... But i didn't. And I chose to believe him when he told me it was me he loved and the women he wanted to have his family with. 

But I can't say it doesn't hurt still... To think that while I was at home alone with my belly and hurting because of his attitude... He was away having sex with random girls.. The baby is now 3 months old and I still can't stop having nightmares about him and the girls I know about. He refuses to give me details of his relationships which makes it all worse. I've been living pretty much in a depressive state ever since... But I hope it gets better... I hope time will heal me because I want my relationship with him to work so badly... I love him and my baby and I want us to be a family... 

I hope you can find a way to deal with your situation as well. I had to start looking up for support online because I feel I can't speak to anyone I know about this... No one around me can understand how that type of betrayal feels and I was about to loose my mind. 

Thank you for sharing your story... It somehow helps me cope with mine


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## tornmumtobe (Dec 18, 2012)

Whileaway said:


> I love him and my baby and I want us to be a family...


It seems like we are on the same page. I also really want our relationship to work out. I want us to have a happy family. I don't want my son to grow up in a broken family. 

Since the revelation I have been emotionally drained.... forcing myself to eat as worried for the baby and also worried that he would be impacted by all the crying. It's two weeks and I weigh slightly less than what I was... I am worried about my baby and I know if anything happens to him because of all this I will regret for the rest of my life. He and she will also be upset and more guilty for the rest of their lives.

From the day I gave him my virginity I knew he was all I wanted. No one else. However I am awful in expressing myself and have been selfish in our 9+ yrs relationship (he gives a lot more than me) and thus I am totally feeling guilty that I have disappointed to the extent that he would betray me like this. It felt like I was given the death sentence without warning at all. There was no serious talk or anything about I am very disappointed an upset, and I feel like a failure for being so insensitive to not pick up any signals that he gave.

Him and I have openly talked the matter through and we both agree we both were at fault for our broken relationship. He tells me I am not the one to blame and he ruined everything himself. When I see him so upset and devastated all I wanted was to comfort him and hug him and support him but I think he cannot face me when I try to do this. 

He has been perfectly honest and open with me. He even tells me now when he goes out to see her, and the three of us has also had a few meals together. I told him I rather hear the truth than to be lied to as I believe lying will never further harm the relationship. 

I know this is getting very abnormal but as I said I just can't lose him, so I am tolerating him seeing her (which is not a lot, but still happens). 

I am really hoping that one day both him and her will 'wake up' and let go of each other. I know he really wants a family and really loves kids and he is already very guilty that the has 'killed' the family relationship before the child is born. 

I know if she leaves him in the future he will likely still be very in love with her and doesn't guarantee him loving me like he used to but at least there will be less temptation of continuing the affair if she is not around. And then perhaps he can start seeing the good in me again, as opposed to now... it seems like every time he sees me he is frustrated.

I feel like a lost soul and have lost interest in everything. Anything I used to like doing I cannot enjoy anymore.

I don't need him for financial support but I definitely need him to love and care for me, and our son when he will be born, as a family together. And for the family and myself... I know I have to stay strong as well.

I hope you will stay strong too and hopefully everything will eventually turn out for you. I know this process will take a long time and it could be years before everything works out so we will need strong mental will to keep you (and I) going.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

tornmumtobe said:


> he knows I cannot live without him.


Why is that?

You did fine before you met him, no reason to think you can't do just as well without him. 

He's a lot more expendable than you think.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Also, unless there are specific medical reasons, there's no reason not to have sex while pregnant. If he has an issue with it - that's his issue.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What the hell !! How dare he give you a chance to repair the marriage when he is cheating with another woman ? 


You are being abused emotionally. You do not see it because he is sugar coating the whole thing pretty well. The more you beg and plead with him, the more he treats you like dirt.

Do you have a support structure that can give you good advice ? Friends, sister, family, close co-workers..


First thing you need to do is expose the affair to the family(especially his family and your cousin's family). This might not seem right but please do it. 

Second thing is. you will be fine even if you leave him. There are men who will treat you a million times better than him. You will end up fine in life. Like other victims, you do not realize the toxicity of the situation you are in because you are surrounded by it. Keep posting here. You will get some good advice. Divorce should be an option for you.

You don't treat loved ones like he does. Imagine that you found a different man and saying the same stuff to him. How would he react ?

And finally, keep yourself involved in some kind of physical activity. I am not sure what you are allowed to do as you are pregnant. So talk to a doctor and get some recommendations.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Please stop the "*Me, my husband and his lover/my cousin meals*"!!!:scratchhead: 

Also I understand that you are worried about the impact of exposure on your family's relationship with your husband but at least think of a strategic subtle exposure to someone of influence to your skank cousin!!! Your cousin needs a push to finally cut the ties!!!


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

The main three things I want to tell you are the three things you'll likely ignore.

1. He's in a fog, and while he's allowed to see/talk to your cousin, but still be chained to you, this fog will never lift. He'll always feel like she's 'the one' that he's missing out on by his oh-so noble, self-sacrificing obligation to you and your baby.

2. If he can't go NC with her, you have to go NC with him. Once he 'finds out' that she's just a regular girl with regular problems, and not some super-human angelic being sent to rescue him from a life of responsibility, he will likely snap out of the fog a lot faster. So I'd advise you to separate (i.e kick him out) and tell him not to call you until he's made a real decision about who to be with.

3. It's not healthy for your baby/pregnancy for you to be so stressed. It's also bad for your baby to grow up seeing you as your husband's second choice. If your baby is a girl, you don't want her to grow up thinking that a 3-way relationship like you're stuck in is normal, do you? Do you want her to have a two-timing role model for a father?


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## tornmumtobe (Dec 18, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Also I understand that you are worried about the impact of exposure on your family's relationship with your husband but at least think of a strategic subtle exposure to someone of influence to your skank cousin!!! Your cousin needs a push to finally cut the ties!!!


I am not just worried about how my family sees my husband but i also don't want to ruin the relationship between my mum and her brother (i.e my cousin's dad) and also the impact it will have on the whole extended family! 
As such up to now I really don't want to expose it to any friends or family member.

I have been getting support from work and also saw a counsellor the other day.



Jane_Doe said:


> The main three things I want to tell you are the three things you'll likely ignore.
> 
> 1. He's in a fog, and while he's allowed to see/talk to your cousin, but still be chained to you, this fog will never lift. He'll always feel like she's 'the one' that he's missing out on by his oh-so noble, self-sacrificing obligation to you and your baby.
> 
> ...



You are right... the guys at work have also recommended me to kick him out and get him to make a decision...but I really can't get myself to do it.

I do agree he's fogged up but I am really hoping that with time passing he can see:
1) my actions and changes since the revelation (improving on myself to be a better wife re things he used to complain) which will help him see the good in me again and eventually unfog him/get him to turn around. I know chances are very slim....
2) what's in that relationship - ie... time will test their relationship... all relationships start rosy and passionate but will have fights etc along the way... so maybe they will get into problems too? and realise that it wont work!
3) the impact he is going to have on the baby... perhaps the birth of my child will make him realise that it's real? he is a father and may change him? again i know chances again are slim.

Either way... I know you won't like to hear this and would think I am stupid to go against what everyone says but so far I think I am going keep him around till at least the birth of my child...if we have to separate, i hope I can convince everyone to believe that we have our own problems and it's not to do with someone else and therefore won't ruin our (extended) family relationships. I rather bear the pain myself ... I really don't want to hurt my family, and have them worried about me.
Maybe this view will change in a week or two as maybe I can't emotionally cope? But I really want to give it a chance of repairing the marriage and try my best.... then i will have no regrets and yes... i understand.... all efforts may not reap anything when all he sees is someone else's good now! =(

And re my child - I will not let him grow up to see this side of his father... I think i'll probably set a deadline... so that whilst my son is still a baby and wouldn't remember/know his dad seeing someone else...I'll try and repair the marriage.
if there is no improvement after say a year (?) (or maybe less depending on how i can cope...), I think I will eventually break it off. At the current rate her visa will expire (< 1 year) so perhaps this is all temporary? 

I can only hope for the best ....
Thankyou everyone for all your comments... I appreciate them, even though I am not listening, but I do feel cared and at least can release my emotions here (especially in the coming week over holidays where my workmates aren't around!)


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