# 7 year old daughter communication after D



## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

After nearly 3 years of counseling, mediation, collaboration and finally a judgment I am divorced. The why's don't matter too much now, we both did things to each other we're not proud of...however, we also both love our 7 year old daughter very very much. Here's my challenge...prior to getting 50% custody of my daughter I agreed in mediation to "call" my ex with my daughter every night my daughter is with me and vice versa. In addition,I agreed to a morning phone call on the Saturday's and Sunday's she's with me. At the time, I didn't think too much about it but in practice this "mandatory" phone call has become the one thing we still fight about. My daughter doesn't want to call the Ex when she's with me and I'm sure she doesn't want to be forced into calling me when she's with her mother also. I don't for a second believe my daughter doesn't love me or care for me just because she doesn't want to talk...it's just that she's busy and "in the moment" with the parent she's with. She's doing homework, or reading, or playing, or watching tv, or taking a shower, or eating, talking, laughing...a million different things and then I have to stop what we're doing and make her call her mother. I've been very nice about it too, it's not like I'm subconsciously making it a pain for my daughter if that makes sense. I tell her that her mother loves her and wants to see how her day went and to say good night...but the truth is, I hate these phone calls and god forbid I don't call or leave a voicemail...I get texts and e-mails all night from the ex...so my long winded question is, "am I crazy that these mandatory phone calls are a nuisance and it's ok for me to try and get them taken from "mandatory" to "voluntary"? I have no problem AT ALL with calling the Ex whenever my daugther says, "daddy, I want to call mommy and tell her "x"...it's actually happened twice in the 4 months we've been divorced... but I don't feel I'm a bad guy for wanting time with my daughter when she's with me and not having the tether of her mother constantly tugging at us with phone calls, texts and e-mails...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

They are mandatory, I'd say for the sake of keeping the peace, say honey before we read your bed time story, or whatever is part if the routine, "it's time to call mommy so she can hear about your day". On the days she calls early "lets wish mommy a good day". Make it part of the routine same time. For one consider its not easy for your ex, second. a seven year old child should not be calling the shots.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Is this something the courts set out? Is it the norm where you live?

TBH I think it would do more harm than good. As a child of divorce I would have hated to make these calls. As a divorced parent I would hate to have to push my kids to call their dad. We do 50/50 and the kids have no need to call daily to check in, they call when they want to talk or ask about something which is rarely. 

Just can't see how forcing a child to do this is going to benefit them.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

As a stepmother, I've seen both sides. I've seen our daughter want to call her mom to share activities from her time with us, and I've seen her dad have to put the ringing phone in her hand to "make" her talk to her mother. 
I've also seen the sadness when more than one day goes by without a phone call when she's at her mom's house and his texts and calls go unanswered by both the BM and the daughter.
So, my end response would be that no, you aren't crazy for wanting to spend your time with your daughter without the intrusion of your ex, but the phone calls really are important to the other person, so don't give up on them.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I too have a D7 as well as a S10 and S12.

We also have the mandatory calls every night at 8:00.

It works well for us. Before the divorce, I was the one that put the kids to bed most nights. So really, it feels normal for them to call and talk to me before going to bed.

But, this is my kids and their norm; not yours.

We do what we do because it's in the kids' best interest not the parents.

It's not something to go to court over but if you feel it really bothers the flow of life for you daughter you should bring the subject up to XW.


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## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

Thanks all...I truly appreciate the advice without the rancor. The phone calls aren't "court mandated" per se. But I did agree to them in mediation which was then put in the judgment. I wish I would not have agreed to them in writing, I wish I would have said, "I'll do the best I can to make the calls but if we're in the middle of something and it's not feasable, I'm not legally on the hook to make the calls". I have contacted my attorney to file a "motion to ammend" the judgment to take out the mandatory call. I want to be clear, if my daugther ever asks to call her mom or send a text I absolutely stop what I'm doing and make the call. But she's a very mature 7 year old who just doesnt' want to stop our time together in order to be forced to make a call. I offered my ex a compromise recently wherein I would make the call on the way to school and on the way home from school. It's about a 30 minute drive and that is a time when my daughter and I aren't actively engaged in any sort of activity...it's a lot easier to make the calls...however, the Ex said no and if I didn't continue with the calls then I'd be in violation of the judgment...all hell is going to reign loose when/if I file this motion...the Ex texts, calls or e-mails me 2-3 times a day already...the nature of which range from what a crappy father she thinks I am to how much she used to adore me to mundane crap like how the movie Frozen was #1 at the box office over the holidays


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

crash test said:


> Thanks all...I truly appreciate the advice without the rancor. The phone calls aren't "court mandated" per se. But I did agree to them in mediation which was then put in the judgment. I wish I would not have agreed to them in writing, I wish I would have said, "I'll do the best I can to make the calls but if we're in the middle of something and it's not feasable, I'm not legally on the hook to make the calls". I have contacted my attorney to file a "motion to ammend" the judgment to take out the mandatory call. I want to be clear, if my daugther ever asks to call her mom or send a text I absolutely stop what I'm doing and make the call. But she's a very mature 7 year old who just doesnt' want to stop our time together in order to be forced to make a call. I offered my ex a compromise recently wherein I would make the call on the way to school and on the way home from school. It's about a 30 minute drive and that is a time when my daughter and I aren't actively engaged in any sort of activity...it's a lot easier to make the calls...however, the Ex said no and if I didn't continue with the calls then I'd be in violation of the judgment...all hell is going to reign loose when/if I file this motion...the Ex texts, calls or e-mails me 2-3 times a day already...the nature of which range from what a crappy father she thinks I am to how much she used to adore me to mundane crap like how the movie Frozen was #1 at the box office over the holidays



Anything in a MSA is as good as court mandated. 

You know your daughter and situation best. 

If this is your biggest issue I'm jealous. 

Good luck to you and let us know how it goes.


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## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

Thank you Holland, I feel the same way...it actually feels cruel forcing these calls on her, it's like re-inforcing that her mom is not here or her dad is not at home with her mom. She's happy and content when she's with either of us, I don't see the need to forcibly make these calls.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I assume since she will oppose the amendment it will go before a judge. And presumably the judge will tell her that every night is not reasonable because it doesn't always work. 

That's what divorce is -- less contact with your child. But she won't like it so be prepared to pay for that for a long time.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I'll share my view on it;

A call every night is too much. The ex and I do 2 week rotations with the kids, I pick the kids up on Sunday evening and on Wednesday their mother gets them until 7:30pm. She picks them up from school. Then on Sunday evening before bed she calls the kids to talk ... if she actually calls them. Then the following Wednesday she once again gets them from school until 7:30pm. They go back to their mothers the next Sunday and then I do the Wednesday visits / Sunday phone call.

It really all depends on how you want to raise your kid. I set my custody arrangement up. Originally there was no Sunday phone call, after a month or two I personally felt it best to call the kids between the Wednesday visits as a week without hearing from them was simply too long. So, I told the ex I wanted the phone calls to start and they did. 

When I don't have the kids, I will usually stop by once or twice a week and say hi to them at daycare. Sometimes, they want to talk and other times they give me big hugs and then want to go back and play with their friends. Which is okay with me, I want them to have emotional stability and I know even though they don't jump up and down yelling "Dads here! Dads here!" subconsciously it's significant to them.

I also enrolled my kids into Saturday morning activities (Dance / Gymnastics), at first I was going every single weekend. Even when it wasn't my weeks, my ex hasn't come when it wasn't her week with the kids. I now don't go every single weekend I don't have them, but I let them know when I can't make it.

My goal throughout the divorce was to get 50 / 50 custody and to make sure that my children felt loved by me even when I wasn't with them. I don't believe in smothering them, as I feel it can do more harm than good sometimes. While divorce is hard on children, it's important (to me) that they also adjust to the realities of the situation as well. They know they can call me whenever they want, I have told them on several occasions (they actually called me last night out of the blue, which was nice).

Heck, sometimes when I see them on the first Wednesday after dropping them off the previous Sunday ... they don't have much to say. Haha. The first visit is usually a mellow one where we chill at home and watch a movie. Seeing how I've spent the last 2 weeks chasing them and cleaning up after them, it's nice to be able to spend that evening just chilling and then they go back to moms. 

The following Wednesday visit we will hit the pool or do something more active, seeing how we haven't seen each other for a week if I don't see them on Saturday mornings.

If you feel like it's too much, then that's how you feel about your situation. Adjusting it might be hard but make sure to protect yourself legally. Get it changed in court if you have to.

Every day phone calls would be too disrupting to me, not only when I have the kids but when I don't have them. But, I'm not you. 

Good luck.

I forgot to mention, my daughter is also 7 and my son is 5.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

We got our girl a cell phone, and let her call when she wants. As a dad, it sure is nice to get those phone calls before bedtime, but I'm rational, I understand once a "demand" is placed on it, it seems "forced", and I wouldnt really want that, and having to concern yourself with an expectation of your duty to your "Ex" in those regards is a tie I would not want.

For me, if she calls, I love it, its great to talk to her when I dont have her with me. IF she doesnt call, no big deal, shes a kid!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

crash test said:


> Thank you Holland, I feel the same way...it actually feels cruel forcing these calls on her, it's like re-inforcing that her mom is not here or her dad is not at home with her mom. She's happy and content when she's with either of us, I don't see the need to forcibly make these calls.


I agree. 

But for those that have this as part of their routine and it works, is not forced then it is their norm which is great. It is about the best interests of the kids so their normal remains constant. If it became forced it is then an issue.

The mobile phone suggestion is a good one, takes the pressure off.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

We suggested the in-transit call, and it was shot down. Our kiddo is eight, so a cell phone isn't an option. Plus, her mother would just assume we were using it to spy on her.
But I don't think of it as "reinforcing one parent not being there". I think of it as trying to integrate both parts of her life. I want her to know that the non-present parent does miss her and is happy to know that she's brushing her teeth every day or that the cat did something funny.


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## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

I've been thinking about the cell phone concept which brings up another question though: when is an appropriate age range for their own cell phone? In my head, I was thinking somewhere around 12...my daughter is very mature,a delightful and thoughtful little girl she can read and write very well and actually likes to text more than talk on the phone...she has an ipad at home to play games on and watch kid shows on netflix...i was thinking about enabling the "text" feature for her so she and her mom can text when it suits them and not necessarily have a forced "phone call" each night. Thoughts? and thanks again...I almost signed my real name, so used to doing that with work emails


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think a child needs a cell phone when they are old enough to do things on their own. If they are always with an adult, there is no need. If they have an after school sports practice, for instance, where they may need to call for a ride, etc.

But I digress.

Every family is different - I hope you figure out what works for you. I found that what works at 4-5 does not work at 10 or 15. It's difficult to craft an order that covers the full range of ages so it will have to be revisited.

Also, I think these calls keep the parents from moving on. It sucks you right back into that image of when you both tucked the child(ren) in. This is the new reality. I realize she's young and don't think a child should call the shots on when bedtime is, etc. but I agree a forced call when in the middle of something fun doesn't exactly make the interaction with the phoned parent a positive one, either.

My ex was abusing the nightly call (not in the order - just said "reasonable telephone access") by calling every night and talking for 30+ minutes. She would just listen with the occasional "uh huh" so I knew he was doing all of the talking. Eventually I learned that he was using those times to lecture, reiterate and engrain negative feelings toward me and tried to alienate her from me. Which is why the new order states 3x a week, 15 minutes each call. I've let the time slide a bit as she is more interactive with the calls and older, more able to make her own judgement calls on my character.

My experience is neither her nor there - just shows how needs can change.


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