# Lonely times.. the honeymoon is over



## TheEmoDude (Sep 8, 2011)

hi, my first post here.
I guess I'm just here to talk about my relationship with my wife. l guess venting.. just want to let it out.. not sure what I'm looking for..

Been together for about 4 years, we've been married over a year.
We have 4 kids (2 are mine from a previous marriage, 1 is her's from a previous relationship and we had 1 together -- all girls!) - 

Anyways, first of.. I love my wife tremendously. She is seriously the love of my life.. I never felt this way towards anybody in my life. She means everything to me. She's opened emotions within me that I never knew I could ever have towards another person. I would give my life for her! I tell her these things all the time! I'm very honest and open with her regarding my feelings and emotions.

now, I know my wife loves me too.. she tells me.. and she shows me in her own way that she loves me. (little things here and there that bring a smile to my face)

I love showing my wife love and physical affection whenever I see her or talk to her. I can never get enough of her.

my problem (if you want to call it a problem):

she's very reserved when it comes to expressing her emotions/affection towards me, she doesn't display much physical affection, yes she tells me she loves me, we do kiss, we hug, but that's where it stops.. she doesn't seem excited to see me when I get home from work.. i have to hunt her down for a kiss.. 
but when she sees the kids (especially her own), she's happy, she's excited, she shows them physical affection.. love and caring... so in a way.. I'm jealous.. why don't I get that? I tell her all the time how much I love her and what she means to me.. I even tell her.. "why don't I get some of that?" She usually doesn't know what to say or she says why don't I go to her... ummm ok.

I sometimes feel like I'm doing too much to please her and I try to make her happy all the time. When she's happy that makes me happy.. when she's in a bad mood I'm normally in a bad mood too.
She does know how to cheer me up, she knows what buttons to press that'll piss me off (as I do with her) We often argue about the stupidest things.. and I tell her all the time "I HATE ARGUING"..

another problem is our sex life.. if you want to call it that.. there's ups and downs.. but mostly downs.. she's told me.. "I don't like to initiate sex".. so.. if I don't do anything.. we don't have sex.. and that can go on for weeks.. and I tell her this.. and she says "I'll try"... yet we still get nowhere... I don't expect sex every day.. but I did tell her 2 or 3 times a week would be nice.. especially since this is a fairly new relationship.. we got married last year and had a blast! Now it seems the honeymoon is over and everything is slowing down.. so some of my needs aren't being met.. emotionally, physically and sexually.

When it does happen that we have sex frequently.. she tells me "I feel so close to you"..we get more "lovey dovey" but when sex dies down we seem to get more distant and reserved.. I tell her all these things.. and she just tells me "stop making me feel bad.. I'm sorry.. I'm a bad wife.. I can't please my husband"... I'll tell her that's not true and not what I meant... then I just shut-up and just say nothing.. 

When I do attempt to "start" she often tells me she's tired or not in the mood.. so it's very discouraging for me.. so I feel there's something wrong with me.. she says there isn't. Now I know I don't last long when we do have sex.. but I do try and please her before that happens.. she says she's satisfied.. and I tell her every time we have sex that she blows my mind! (in a good way of course)

If on the rare occasion she does want sex.. it's probably because she knows that I want it cause it's been a while.. so she is "trying" to please me.. but often she just says "let's have a quickie"... I've told her that I'm not a fan of that.. just seems rushed.. and takes away the "love/connections/emotions" of the whole thing..

She does know and understand that sex is an important part of a successful marriage. She does say she enjoys it, she just can live without it...

I treat her like a queen as much as I can.. I pamper her, I buy her spa passes, I bring her flowers once a month "just because".. I bring her out, I setup dates with her (I get a babysitter and all).. I openly and publicly express my love and devotion towards her! She is extremely beautiful too! Any mans dream women! She doesn't think so, but I tell her "really you are. You are the definition of the perfect women - curvy/sexy/luscious lips"

I've told her in the past that I sometimes read forums or something regarding some of these things.. and she just gets upset.. because she doesn't think it's THAT bad.. and that I'm exaggerating.. 

I'm just confused and don't know what else to do.. I'm an emotional guy... and I guess I express that too much.. or need it too much.

I love her so much..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I wrote a post just for this exact type situation. If you can cool down and stop crowding her everything will get a lot better. If you cannot, nothing else matters and things will stay not so good.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




TheEmoDude said:


> hi, my first post here.
> I guess I'm just here to talk about my relationship with my wife. l guess venting.. just want to let it out.. not sure what I'm looking for..
> 
> Been together for about 4 years, we've been married over a year.
> ...


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

TheEmoDude (TED), I have a few thoughts from your post.
1. She said she doesn't like to initiate sex and can "do without." She also said she enjoys it. Nowhere has she said she does not want sex (though she may imply that by some of her actions).

2. There is a really good book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is an excelent book and a pretty quick read. The author talks about how people feel and express their love in different ways. You seem like you are trying to love your wife, but you just may be speaking a different language.

3. It seems like she has confidence issues, and you have some emotional issues. Both of these things can make it difficult to have a fulfilling relationship. You don't have to work on being less emotional, but you can work on being in control of your reactions to those specific emotions. Individual counseling may be a good idea for both you and your wife to work on your own issues. Marriage counseling might help you identify ways in which you can better communicate with each other and help you both to have your needs met.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RS,
Chapmans concept is great - save for the fact that to my knowledge he does not heavily focus on quantity issues. 

For instance - I could ruin my marriage by shutting off the words of affirmation. My W could do the same by shutting down touch and sex. 

That said, I could ALSO ruin my marriage by over loving my W. Crowding her. Always being the one to initiate loving gestures. 

Almost every man on here who posts "I just need to vent", is impairing love and desire in their marriage by talking about "their" feelings WAY TOO MUCH. And by saying ILY so often that it really means "do you love me"? 





Riverside MFT said:


> TheEmoDude (TED), I have a few thoughts from your post.
> 1. She said she doesn't like to initiate sex and can "do without." She also said she enjoys it. Nowhere has she said she does not want sex (though she may imply that by some of her actions).
> 
> 2. There is a really good book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is an excelent book and a pretty quick read. The author talks about how people feel and express their love in different ways. You seem like you are trying to love your wife, but you just may be speaking a different language.
> ...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

EmoDude? Really?

You're way, way too Beta. You're clingy. 
Be a man!

And lose the "EmoDude".


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Just wondering how are you with the kids and around the house? Do you help her with the kids and household chores? Are you the kind of dad she expects? I asked you these questions as this is a very important factor in our relationship. If one of us is not giving the right attention and care to the children and treating them well or not spending quality time as a family our romance goes down the drain. We definitely love each other but romancing on everyday basis? That depends on a lot of things. 

Instead of giving all the attention to her and romancing try doing something great as a family may be she will get excited. Just my 2 cents.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Not sure if this applies, but it seems to me it would. When my husband and I were first married, he was sort of like this. He'd do a lot for me, almost anything I asked. Even little stuff like, "can you grab that for me?" when I was able to easily get it myself. I got lazy and expected him to just do all the work when it came to the relationship. He was fine at first, but obviously, that can't last, lol. Since we didn't talk about it, it got to the point he didn't want to do anything for me at all! I still struggle with laziness but things are pretty good now. I think you guys are on the right track. Just keep talking, counseling if you feel the need, and yeah, don't get too clingy. It's easy for her to start taking that for granted and take advantage of it, even if she doesn't mean to. Like, if you seem too happy with how things are, why would she change?


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