# is this marriage worth saving?



## sunita1 (Mar 26, 2012)

my husband and i are both south asian (indian) and we married 13 years ago in india. i was raised in the usa and he was from there. my parents had a great loving marriage - both from india - so i thought i would too, if i married a guy from my same ethnic background and religion - i was so innocent - i thought the guy would be awesome like my dad. it wasn't an arranged marriage - it was an arranged introduction - that led to a quick marriage. very quick - after only 5 meetings (dates). my mom thought it wasn't a good choice - our family was more progressive and his was very traditional. but he was cute and a doctor - i thought it would all work out. i also told him before we married that i would not move to CA b/c i grew up on the east coast. i said this bc alot of people from our home state in india - LOVE moving to CA when they get to the usa. so i just wanted to be clear before we moved ahead. he said no problem. now 13 years later he wants to move to CA - wants me to leave my life here in Maryland and take my mom to CA - when our family has been settles on the EAst Coast for 40+ years.


what follows is a copy of a list i made - like a pro and con - and emailed to my sisters:


in india he reprimanded me for saying something about his dad - cant remember details - he was brushing his teeth

1st month here - he threw a glass
within 4 months - he threw keys at my face
pushed me back into sofa - my back hurt for a few days - he told me not to make a big deal of it

always had a temper
always put my family down - mom dad grandparents
always threatens divorce

very hard to talk about problems with him - hes dismissive

always blames me for problems - never takes any responsibility

in NC he threw me and mom out after an argument
crucified me about not treating his family well when they visited

calls me names and my family names
always says i'm not marriage material
tells me i'm crazy or worthless when hes mad
i'm driving him crazy
sister in law says father in law abused her - keeps her from family
threatened mom
teases my sister and her profession

never fully engages in family activities - says hes sleepy
never fully engaged in our marriage - no pictures/ no gifts/ no cards - 
nothing in common - except news

threw books at me - 2x
threw chair
threw cups - several times
broke lamp- 
threatened to call police on me
told me to get out of car in columbia
very very rude - calls me names

while painting reached out when angry to twist my breast
woke up and threw a punch when we were sitting on sofa - almost hit me
threw pictures of our God

he has OCD - but refuses treatment
he gets cold sores - never told me so i'm always dodging that bullet (herpes)

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good points

lived separate for 8 years b/c of his school and my work - 4 years i was working -1 years mom was in cancer treatment

doesn't try to control our money - all joint accts - but i hardly spent (hes a doctor so good income)

tried to find jobs here in my hometown - but only gave it 6 months

affectionate - says hes sorry after the blowups

wants me to travel with him - lets me be with my family - no real restrictions


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are going though this. It sounds like an physically/emotionally/mentally abusive relationship, The good points include he lets you spend marital funds, apologizes after abuse, and allows you to visit your family. I know I'm not the one in this, but those aren't really "good points".
Have you sought IC or MC? It might help you sort things out.
Best of luck to you


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

I would document anything possible (abuse wise) it will help in a Divorce settlement.

Sounds like you have been through a lot and still want to make things work. I think you need to look after yourself better. If there is physical abuse the leave for a few days. Don't be at his beck and call. "Get a life", go out with friends, do new things, work out, buy new clothes. He likely takes you for granted. Make him "chase" you.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

He sounds abusive I would not stay in a situation like that


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I read your list. The only 2 "positive points" I saw were that he is NOT controlling of the money and he does not object to you seeing your family as much as you want. Doesn't seem like enough to me.

He is physically and emotionally abusive. Only YOU can decide if his great income is worth the differences you have in your views of a marriage.

By the way, it took me a LONG time to realize the following and I am telling YOU because I want you to think about it and realize it now...not 20 years from now (that's how long it took ME to realize it.)

"affectionate - says hes sorry after the blowups"

I always used to count this as one of my husband's best qualities. He was quick to apologize after exploding and being an a**hole. Then I finally realized that I didn't want an apology. 'I'm sorry' doesn't mean squat. If someone is TRULY sorry, they will CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR, not apologize and keep doing it anyway. That is not repentence and regret; that is manipulation.

Good luck!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Any marriage is worth saving if BOTH partners are willing to work at saving it.

If one puts in 100% and the other puts in less than 100% into saving it, then no. Get out and move on.


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