# Should I stay or should I go?



## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Well it has been just about a month since I posted anything on here. I hope everyone is not disappointed but my H did not take the Poly. It wasn't because he wouldn't do it. It was because the money I had saved I felt I had to let my daughter use for a camp that she really wanted to go to this summer. Since she has never been and this would be her last opportunity I could not say no.
This last month also included lots of IC for me and MC for us. Today I met with a Psychologist to determine if I need to have any meds. He seems to think I should be on a very low dose of anti-depressants until I have this whole mess behind me. Unsure if I want to start on medication or not. Also, MC is wanting H to go to IC. MC seems to think H has the ability to compartmentalize his dirty deeds, just like Pres. Clinton seemed to have done.
My H has told me nothing new within the last month. I have used the VAR and have caught nothing on it. But at the same time the MC agrees with me, that none of what he has told me makes any sense at all. He claims he doesn't know why he did all these things. H did schedule wart removal, but could not get in until July. I have not been having sex with him, much to his dismay. 
My thoughts are now going towards making an exit plan. Not sure if I want to separate, but after wart removal I want to be ready to do what I want for myself. I need money now so, I am selling anything I can find in the house worth some value on ebay. Also, my IC is also helping me with getting back in the job market.
From the look on our MC face when we talk about the things my husband has done, leads me to believe that she is wondering why I am still with him. So my question today is, has anybody that is married to a serial cheater ever reconciled? I would like views from both WS and BS.
Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

I haven't read any of your previous post, so I don't know what you have been through. I have been married 18 years, my husband has cheated on me twice. Maybe three times if you count talking to her two years after they broke up and getting caught. We are going back to MC on Friday. He is insisting. He says he has a problem and he wants to know why he does it. HoHum! We will see about this. Two years ago when he did this to me the second time, I wasn't ready to leave. I don't work and we have two sons at home. I convinced him to stay, I guess. My mc gave me the same looks. I know that I should leave, but deep down I still have faith that he will change. LOL He is also going to IC starting next week. I'm willing to give it one more shot, but he knows that this time is it. And this time, I really mean it. I had an appointment with an attorney and decided to cancel it until later. I'm tired of being cheated on and lied to. I'm not sure if there is ever going to be a way for me to trust him again. I am just going to go to the mc and see what happens. Good luck with your relationship. I hope it works out for the best for you.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Go


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The only one who is ever going to know what's going on in his head is him. You never will. Anyone who R's with a cheater knows it's possible they will cheat again at some point. You have to decide if you want to take the risk. 

In my case, it was 30 years between cheating episodes (with the same OW) for my husband. And after the second one, I decided it was time to go. Do I wish I had gotten out 30 years ago? Absolutely.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I tried to reconcile with my serial betraying wife twice and after #3 (that I knew of), I left. 

Betraying is an addiction. Your husband is an addict. 12 Warning Signs That It’s Emotional Infidelity – And Not ‘Just Friendship’ | Neuroscience and Relationships

Unless you want to put up with his addictive behavior I think it may be time to go ahead with your exit strategy.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

lonely one said:


> I haven't read any of your previous post, so I don't know what you have been through. I have been married 18 years, my husband has cheated on me twice. Maybe three times if you count talking to her two years after they broke up and getting caught. We are going back to MC on Friday. He is insisting. He says he has a problem and he wants to know why he does it. HoHum! We will see about this. Two years ago when he did this to me the second time, I wasn't ready to leave. I don't work and we have two sons at home. I convinced him to stay, I guess. My mc gave me the same looks. I know that I should leave, but deep down I still have faith that he will change. LOL He is also going to IC starting next week. I'm willing to give it one more shot, but he knows that this time is it. And this time, I really mean it. I had an appointment with an attorney and decided to cancel it until later. I'm tired of being cheated on and lied to. I'm not sure if there is ever going to be a way for me to trust him again. I am just going to go to the mc and see what happens.  Good luck with your relationship. I hope it works out for the best for you.


Lonely,
I am sorry that you are also going through the same thing. I totally understand the part of not knowing if you will ever be able to trust him again. If you want to read more of my story, click on my name and under other post I have my story "where is the line in an emotional affair?".


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> The only one who is ever going to know what's going on in his head is him. You never will. Anyone who R's with a cheater knows it's possible they will cheat again at some point. You have to decide if you want to take the risk.
> 
> In my case, it was 30 years between cheating episodes (with the same OW) for my husband. And after the second one, I decided it was time to go. Do I wish I had gotten out 30 years ago? Absolutely.


Openminded,
Thanks for posting. Was your H talking to this OW on a regular basis over those thirty years? You can see my story by clicking on my name and under my other posts, "where is the line in an emotional affair?"
How did you find out about the second time?


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I tried to reconcile with my serial betraying wife twice and after #3 (that I knew of), I left.
> 
> Betraying is an addiction. Your husband is an addict. 12 Warning Signs That It’s Emotional Infidelity – And Not ‘Just Friendship’ | Neuroscience and Relationships
> 
> Unless you want to put up with his addictive behavior I think it may be time to go ahead with your exit strategy.


Thatbpguy,
Thanks for posting and your link was very helpful for me. Did your WW promise you that she would not do it again after the first time? Also, what was the time period between number one and number three? Was it harder to catch her on number three?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Openminded,
> Thanks for posting. Was your H talking to this OW on a regular basis over those thirty years? You can see my story by clicking on my name and under my other posts, "where is the line in an emotional affair?"
> How did you find out about the second time?


Unfortunately, I'll never know the answer to that question (whether he was talking over 30 years to the OW). He denies it, of course, but it's possible. At that point, we were almost a thousand miles away from her so they weren't seeing each other in person the way they had 30 years before. 

I found out the second time when I overheard him in his home office talking to her on the phone. I then went into his email and found a bunch of messages. She contacted him a few months before that phone call. I think what happened over the years is that when she needed "help with a problem" she would contact him and he would respond. 

The last emails I saw were full of "I love you" (from both of them) so that was the final straw. I'm glad to be out of that triangle.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Serial Cheater means this is a person with an inability to have a monogamous relationship....translation....shouldn't ever marry.

Sorry for your pain SG. It's the old saying. 

Fool me once...shame on you.
Fool me twice...shame on me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Thatbpguy,
> Thanks for posting and your link was very helpful for me. Did your WW promise you that she would not do it again after the first time? Also, what was the time period between number one and number three? Was it harder to catch her on number three?


After betrayal #1 she was adamant it was such a leap out of character for her it would never repeat and she would never contact POS #1 again. But she would write him love letters, crumple them up and throw them away. I intercepted them. She started with POS #2 about 3 months later. After that one she convinced me to move from our small town close to her family. So we did and about 12 months later I caught her with POS #3.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Unfortunately, I'll never know the answer to that question (whether he was talking over 30 years to the OW). He denies it, of course, but it's possible. At that point, we were almost a thousand miles away from her so they weren't seeing each other in person the way they had 30 years before.
> 
> I found out the second time when I overheard him in his home office talking to her on the phone. I then went into his email and found a bunch of messages. She contacted him a few months before that phone call. I think what happened over the years is that when she needed "help with a problem" she would contact him and he would respond.
> 
> The last emails I saw were full of "I love you" (from both of them) so that was the final straw. I'm glad to be out of that triangle.


Open,
I am sure that was really hard on you when you overheard him talking to her. What happened with him and OW after you left the picture? Did he want to stay married to you?


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Serial Cheater means this is a person with an inability to have a monogamous relationship....translation....shouldn't ever marry.
> 
> Sorry for your pain SG. It's the old saying.
> 
> ...


That saying makes sense. I know I am now more aware of things that I was blindly not noticing before. So I am trying not to be fooled twice.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You should go. Cut him off completely for at least 90 days. Then see how you feel about him. If you stilll think he's worth something let him do the work of earning you back like you just met.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> After betrayal #1 she was adamant it was such a leap out of character for her it would never repeat and she would never contact POS #1 again. But she would write him love letters, crumple them up and throw them away. I intercepted them. She started with POS #2 about 3 months later. After that one she convinced me to move from our small town close to her family. So we did and about 12 months later I caught her with POS #3.


Thatbpguy,
I guess serial cheaters can't stop. I am sorry you also had to endure this. Was WS willing to let you go after the third time? My H is begging me not to D him, and of course saying the behavior will never happen again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Open,
> I am sure that was really hard on you when you overheard him talking to her. What happened with him and OW after you left the picture? Did he want to stay married to you?


The first time I allowed myself to be talked into staying but I told him it better never happen again. The second time I took awhile to consider the reality of ending a very long marriage and told him I was done. He tried to change my mind but I refused to consider it.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> The first time I allowed myself to be talked into staying but I told him it better never happen again. The second time I took awhile to consider the reality of ending a 45 year marriage and told him I was done. He tried to change my mind but I refused to consider it. The divorce is final in less than a week and I'm happy. Finally.


That had to be hard to stick to your guns on your decision. 45 years is a long time. I only have 25 years invested with my H and I thought that was a long time when thinking about divorce.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I tried to reconcile with my serial betraying wife twice and after #3 (that I knew of), I left.
> 
> Betraying is an addiction. Your husband is an addict. 12 Warning Signs That It’s Emotional Infidelity – And Not ‘Just Friendship’ | Neuroscience and Relationships
> 
> Unless you want to put up with his addictive behavior I think it may be time to go ahead with your exit strategy.


Great read! Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's the latest?


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

turnera said:


> What's the latest?


Tunera,
Not sure how things are going right now. I just feel kind of blah. I have been using a VAR in his truck off and on for the last several weeks. I find nothing. But I know he suspected me of bugging his truck, so if he is having contact with anyone, I'm sure that it is taking place far away from his truck. 
Of course he still swears I know everything. When I went to our MC by myself and I asked her opinion of the "two years with the wh0re and only trying to have sex twice and both of those times, not being able to get things up", she said yes he is still lying to you and it is hardly likely it happened like he is telling you. She said none of his stories make any sense.
He is being rather quiet the last few days. He still calls me from work but the calls are short. And when he says I love you at the end of the call, it seems to be flat without emotion. He almost seems bored. I know he thinks I should be having sex right now, but I told him no, not until that wart is removed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, nothing's gonna move forward without that polygraph.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have been married 30 years and until last month never got the truth. That is when my wife repented and confessed everything. I have been through false R and it stinks. You just know they are not telling the truth. I even had proof she was lying and she went into a "I don't remember" mode. I sense that I am finally in a real R and believe me, you can feel it. It does not mean my wife will never cheat again, I don't think she will, but the uncertainty can be overwhelming and I am just about a month out from her confession. If it does not feel right then your gut is correct.


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

Your threads bring one quote to mind "Run Forest! Run!"


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I even had proof she was lying and she went into a "I don't remember" mode.


I got that too. It really pissed me off. I'm not a violent man but I had to leave the house to cool down.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I have been married 30 years and until last month never got the truth. That is when my wife repented and confessed everything. I have been through false R and it stinks. You just know they are not telling the truth. I even had proof she was lying and she went into a "I don't remember" mode. I sense that I am finally in a real R and believe me, you can feel it. It does not mean my wife will never cheat again, I don't think she will, but the uncertainty can be overwhelming and I am just about a month out from her confession. If it does not feel right then your gut is correct.


Thorburn,
What was the determining factor that made you stick with the M? Did you try often to get the whole truth from her before she confessed everything? I just feel like I'm in such a limbo state right now. I'm so sorry that you had to go though any of this, because I certainly can feel your pain.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Acoa said:


> I got that too. It really pissed me off. I'm not a violent man but I had to leave the house to cool down.


My H's is I can't explain why and also doesn't remember. And it does piss you off.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I don't think the words "serial cheater" and "reconcile" belong in the same sentence. I would have left after DDay2. 

I don't see the point in a lie detector tbh.. Wether he fails or passes, what then? A lie detector isn't going to magically make you trust your husband again. 

I think you should leave!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Thorburn,
> What was the determining factor that made you stick with the M? Did you try often to get the whole truth from her before she confessed everything? I just feel like I'm in such a limbo state right now. I'm so sorry that you had to go though any of this, because I certainly can feel your pain.


 His wife literally hit rock bottom and did a complete 180. Completely different from what your husband is doing.

How's the stakeout going?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sweet Ginger said:


> Thorburn,
> What was the determining factor that made you stick with the M? Did you try often to get the whole truth from her before she confessed everything? I just feel like I'm in such a limbo state right now. I'm so sorry that you had to go though any of this, because I certainly can feel your pain.


In 2010 she had a very sexual EA online on via phone texts. She did not reveal a thing on her own and when I provided proof she lied and lied and lied and then reluntantly told me, but never on her own. In 2011 she had a PA and lied. Never ended it till just a little a month ago. From the end of 2011 till just over a month ago I kept asking her questions and she either lied or said she does not remember. So yes for over a year I tried over and over again to get the truth. It finally happened on a Saturday evening after visiting our son at a campsite. Presently, if I have a question my wife will answer it without hesitation. Do I have the whole truth. No. I have not asked all the questions yet. It is very painful working through this crap.

What made me stick with the M? I am still in the wait and see mode about the M. But some of the factors for giving R a try. I went through a false R for over a year and this one seems genuine. Also, my belief in God, that He can change people. My wife repenting and showing true change, transparency, telling the truth, and being accountable without complaint.

And Yes again to trying to get the whole truth. I tried over and over again. I presented dates, times, places and she just denied, lied or said I don't remember, even with solid proof. And that is what caused so much conflict, that I knew most of the facts and she just kept denying.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> And Yes again to trying to get the whole truth. I tried over and over again. I presented dates, times, places and she just denied, lied or said I don't remember, even with solid proof. And that is what caused so much conflict, that I knew most of the facts and she just kept denying.


I KNOW!!!! 

WTF is up with that? You show them concrete evidence, and they play the "It wasn't me" card. Infuriating!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have read your other thread, I say GO!! GO FAST, GO FAR!!!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

People talk about "The Fog" of cheaters...I doubt it exists for serials.

But more dangerous is "The Fog" of the betrayed spouse. Who think the world will be OK and that this is just a phase that will be overcome.

Someone who would habitually betray you and commit the worst atrocity against you that a married person can commit, will not "get better." You are refusing to accept a reality that others can see easily, because you are in "the fog" of the relationship. It is difficult, because you want to believe in your partner, that your life has not been a series of lies and abuses, and that you will not have to walk into fearful territory.

I can not lie to you and tell you that leaving is easy, but it is the only correct course of action when faced with a serial cheater, and in your situation, it is quite clear that is what you are dealing with.

You must accept the pain and fear of leaving, and use it as motivation to never let it happen again. Go to counseling, work on yourself, and do your best to move on. If you allow it, it will be the best decision you will ever make in your life and you will look back on this whole experience as positive.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> In 2010 she had a very sexual EA online on via phone texts. She did not reveal a thing on her own and when I provided proof she lied and lied and lied and then reluntantly told me, but never on her own. In 2011 she had a PA and lied. Never ended it till just a little a month ago. From the end of 2011 till just over a month ago I kept asking her questions and she either lied or said she does not remember. So yes for over a year I tried over and over again to get the truth. It finally happened on a Saturday evening after visiting our son at a campsite. Presently, if I have a question my wife will answer it without hesitation. Do I have the whole truth. No. I have not asked all the questions yet. It is very painful working through this crap.
> 
> What made me stick with the M? I am still in the wait and see mode about the M. But some of the factors for giving R a try. I went through a false R for over a year and this one seems genuine. Also, my belief in God, that He can change people. My wife repenting and showing true change, transparency, telling the truth, and being accountable without complaint.
> 
> And Yes again to trying to get the whole truth. I tried over and over again. I presented dates, times, places and she just denied, lied or said I don't remember, even with solid proof. And that is what caused so much conflict, that I knew most of the facts and she just kept denying.


My H is the same way. He has told me three different times that I know it all, and then of course I find out something else. And he also has never volunteered any of the information to me. And of course has the same bad memory as your W. I know how truly frustrating this can be. 
I also feel like I am in a wait and see mode right now. I am preparing myself for being apart.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

COguy said:


> People talk about "The Fog" of cheaters...I doubt it exists for serials.
> 
> But more dangerous is "The Fog" of the betrayed spouse. Who think the world will be OK and that this is just a phase that will be overcome.
> 
> ...


COguy, you are right I do feel like I am in a fog. I guess I can't believe this is happening to me. And it does hurt to think that my whole 25 years of marriage probably consisted of lies.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sweet Ginger said:


> COguy, you are right I do feel like I am in a fog. I guess I can't believe this is happening to me. And it does hurt to think that my whole 25 years of marriage probably consisted of lies.


A bit like a splinter. You can get the needle and cut it out, or you can ignore it and get an infected hand over the course of a few weeks.

There is no choice without pain, decide the person you want to be or life will choose for you.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

COguy said:


> A bit like a splinter. You can get the needle and cut it out, or you can ignore it and get an infected hand over the course of a few weeks.
> 
> There is no choice without pain, decide the person you want to be or life will choose for you.


So true!


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