# Holy Moly. They're All Like This



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

This is going to be judgmental, with not a whole lot of remorse for feeling that way.

An hour and a half ago, MIL, who lives 15 minutes away, called H and said his niece, her H (and two-year-old and 2-month-old) were sitting in the driveway waiting on MIL. MIL used to live next door until she got married in February. The old house holds her hoarded items. We live next door, on her property. MIL said "I'm just going to throw on some clothes and I'll be right over." I have no idea why MIL didn't give them directions to her new house, and told them they could just wait here at our place. Without asking us. Did I mention I'm refusing to go to dinner at MIL's tonight because she has called my kids brats in my own house, argued with my son's medical nurses, and has refused to acknowledge me or my kids, her stepgrands, for every birthday and holiday for two years? 

If I were retaliatory, I'd be calling code enforcement on her for this property (jacked-up septic, her hoarding) later today. I'm holding off. 

So we let the relatives in, and MIL isn't here yet. We have to leave in 5 min for a dr's appt for me. Niece has not controlled the toddler at all, mainly because her obese husband has either had his fat a*s sitting on my couch doing nothing or has been outside smoking the whole time they've been here.

So far I've retrieved change from the kid's mouth, gotten her away from putting dog toys in her mouth, and have been informed by mom that she isn't allowed to watch Yo Gabba Gabba because it "teaches kids the wrong things." Now my H is making lunch for this child, while Niece holds a sleeping infant and her H is AWOL, and I'm apprently expected to oversee toddler. (I did run into town to go to the store because I wanted to get away, and have redirected kid back to her mom for nearly everything.)

I'm definitely seeing the tree from which my husband's apple has fallen. Usually I've seen these people on neutral turf.

This is the sixth extended family member I've met who is under 30 and seems to think that everyone else will take care of things for them. All these kids are my H's brothers' offspring.

We're about to leave, and I assume they will be escorted to the air-conditioning of their pickup to wait for MIL. No announcement, no extra accommodations from me. I refuse to allow them to wait here while my own kid's nurse gets him ready for nap. My house. If H isn't on-board, he can stay here and clean up his family's literal mess; I got kid-duty when his best friend's wife pulled this crap, too. No more.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Can you just tell these people with no idea their children are running amok that you would hate to undermine their authority as parents so they'll need to watch after their kids? Point out "Katie is eating a penny" and do nothing? (Unless the kid chokes, of course.)

Did you make it clear "We are about to leave in 10 minutes so forgive us for not being more hospitable - you'll have to wait here (outside) or I can give you MIL's address..."

I understand your point, though. Just because you are the only responsible adult doesn't mean you should get saddled with their responsibility for their own kids.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Pointed it out and eventually moved the money...twice. Kid is fast. Then I got out every loud musical toy in the house and let her have at 'em.

I just got H to play the clean-up game. They caught on. 

I remember the days of having an H who did nothing. This poor gal (niece) is going to either end up worn the hell out, or divorced from the schmo. I feel really sorry for her.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Two and a half hours later...they're still freaking here!

MIL arrived as we left, butapparently that means "let's take this time to give away furniture". My kid has therapy in 20 minutes, and they'd better be gone by then. I don't want to hear how I inconvenienced their child's nap (on my couch). I don't care WHY MIL didn't have them take the kids to her house; I just know I want them out of mine.

H simply said "This only happens once a year or so..." Yes, on top of being completely disrespected when MIL assumed I'm the GC for all home repairs without notice, too. I'm sending her a bill for this sh*t.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Update: he went to dinner and asked me to be his rescue phone call as he left. i declined and said he can simply say "Time to go"...which is what he did! I'm proud of him!

I got time with the kids here, he got time with his daughter, we got date night, and had a good talk about future boundaries with MIL. After years of IC, he's finally gotten mad at her for her waifiness and manipulations. We're united in that no family members will be let in without our joint invite. If his mom has people come here to wait, we're sending them the 25 miles to her house, or asking them to wait in the driveway. H was the one who pointed out that MIL insisted on having this dinner on our weekly date night, when the night before was actually easier for everyone's schedules. That's when he got pretty mad at her. He's been piecing together her purposeful PA interruptions via phone calls every single date night, and took action.

This makes me glad my parents don't have a key to our home and that my extended family lives in other states.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I always said the perfect distance for parents/in-laws is close enough to drive and visit just for the day but far enough that they can't just drop in.

Oh, you make me love my parents so much. They never butt in, they offer advice but Mom always says "I'm just the Grandma - you don't have to take it!" in a humble way, not PA. They were always considerate of taking turns with my in-laws on holidays - never insisted we stick to a particular day and just rolled with it.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

No doubt, that would be nice. Remember last year when I spent over half the year not speaking to my mom? When we finally did begin talking again, I had to have really strong thick boundaries for my emotional protection. So far, she's still realizing that in order to interact with me, she needs to maintain those boundaries, which are fairly basic: don't give the kids medical details of my life, don't tell people I'm doing it wrong, and speak to me directly. (She had been painting me black to my kids, and I don't support parental alienation.)

So far so good, although I don't think we'll ever have closeness I want. It's an odd grieving process of sorts, and I'm trying to bear in mind that H can't undo a lifetime of his sick mom's actions in a year, and that he's grieving the mom he never got, too. That helps me be empathetic.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh, you make me love my parents so much. They never butt in, they offer advice but Mom always says "I'm just the Grandma - you don't have to take it!" in a humble way, not PA. They were always considerate of taking turns with my in-laws on holidays - never insisted we stick to a particular day and just rolled with it.


Same here - lucky aren't we?

Complete opposite of my inlaws. There was all sorts of drama from them last year when we said we were spending Christmas with my family. We spent the previous Christmas with them, so was my family last year. The drama and trying to bully us into changing our plans didn't work, but it went on for weeks.

This year were going away to avoid it.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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