# Trying to move on...



## SpycMex (Jun 11, 2008)

Hello to everyone,
My name is Trish and i have been seperated for a little over a month. I have three wonderful children ages 7,4,2. 
When i married my husband of 7 years i had no idea that he was curious about being with other men, i too like so many of you found gay porn on our computer along with magazines and sex toys. When i questioned him he brushed it off as nothing then he got very angry yelling at me and making me feel dirty for thinking those things about him. Things went on like that for a long time until i got tired of crying and started demanding that things change, no more broken promises.
I had told him several times before to pack his stuff and leave if he wasn't sure about his urges and this last time he did. It was a pain that cut so deep to see him take things out of our home and my kids watching asking where was daddy going?
I still love him very much and i'm struggling with the reality that he might be gone for good. 
I would appreciate any advice i am very confused right now


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If he was straight and was the same way (looking) at women in porn would you feel different?

Many people are indeed bi or bi-curious although it is my experience that it is mostly women, and there is a double standard in society.

You do and did have a right to want him to stop since it bothered you. He made a choice and now you will find out where his heart is.

Give it time and ask yourself do you want him back, what does he have to change, and can you forgive him.

draconis


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## SpycMex (Jun 11, 2008)

Thanks for your advice...

I found both gay and straight porn, but it was the gay porn that upset me the most.

There were so many red flags during the course of our marriage that made me wonder if he was gay, like what i mentioned earlier. But in 2005 his gay friend came to live with us for about 8 months, during that time i was pregnant with our third child, and the fear became a reality. I never caught them doing anything but i always felt uneasy about the whole thing.

After that i always got upset whenever i found a call to or from his friend on his cell phone, and he got so defensive if i said anything bad about this person. He said that this guy is like family to him and it's sick to think that way, that nothing happened. 

Maybe he was telling the truth, but he's lied so many times it's hard to believe him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay, down to brass tacks.

Is the problem that you are afraid your husband is really gay? Or is it something else?

draconis


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## SpycMex (Jun 11, 2008)

Okay, I'm not sure what you mean...

Yes, I'm afraid that he might be gay, and I'm afraid that he might have acted on his impulses during our marriage.

I told him that whatever happened in his past belongs in there, I would never jugde him for that, but to bring it in our lives, our childrens lives, is wrong.

When we were together things were usually good, as long as i kept believing the lies, because there were so many things that didn't add up. Like why he kept the keys for the mailbox,so i couldn't find out that he was getting mags and toys. Or when he got fired from his job he told me it was because it cost the company a huge loss for his mistake, when the truth was they found porn in his locker. And to make things even more confusing i found some pictures of what i thought were two women, turns out one of them was my husband. Wearing makeup, the dress, and posing. He looks very young in the photos, maybe late teens or so.

I'll be the first to admit that I need some help sorting all this out, this is the first time i've really spoken about this and it feels like a release of all the hurt.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through & obviuosly this is not how you envisioned your marriage. 
It sounds as though you had your suspicions, but like many of us in our marriages, we chose to ignore them, justify them, believe the lies being told to us becasue we were holding onto that hope that things would change. For whatever reason you & the rest of us kept carrying on with our marriages - was we hoped that things would get better & that our spouses would tell us the truth & not hurt us, once they knew we knew their secrets ( whether it was an affair, or finding out they are gay).
Even when we might have seen the signs, I don't think anyone is really "ready" to hear the plain & ugly truth about uor spouse. We think, how could the person that professes love to us, that we shared so many intimate moments with - "How could they do this to us?".
Now that is confirmed & reality, it may take you some time to digest all this new & confirmed information. Your emotions are going a bit "haywire" about now - so before you make any major decisions, let the dust settle. 
trust your judgement & do what feels best for you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Because your husband's lifestyle that he wouldn't let you in on or was afraid to do so has hurt you I think you need to ask him to come clean and tell you everything from the moment you met forward.

draconis


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## SpycMex (Jun 11, 2008)

I've tried to ask him about his past in a very non judmental way but he shuts down and turns cold the very second the subject is brought up. 

We had a very heated argument this weekend about something that was, in my opinion, very insignificant. He started saying things that were intensionally hurtful and when i asked him why he does that he flat out said because i deserve it.

Im a very emotional person, needless to say i broke down in tears which only made him more angry. And i told him that it was over, that there was no point to be with somebody thae dosen't love me.

I have an appt. this week to have someone help me prepare the divorce papers. He said b-4 all this drama that he would not fight me for our kids but i'm afraid he might change his mind once the papers are filed. Should i let him know before of after the papers are filed?

I really don't want to go this route, but i have no choice, part of me still loves him, even though i know theres no hope for us!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

File the papers and move forward.

draconis


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