# BJ's



## KM87

Hello all. I've asked my husband the question I'm about to ask here, but he won't give me an answer. I feel I really need to understand this issue to help us move forward in our relationship, as i feel quite stymied with it now.

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. Of course, at the beginning, the sex was great - passionate, sometimes exciting and seemed to always be about closeness. Over the years his sex drive has diminished quite a bit - he tells me he's tired, and I do believe that is true. And quite frankly, I am too, so i get it. Now he often equates sex with work - he asks me "Are you going to do the work tonight or do I have to?" And then we do or don't have sex dependent upon my answer. And that totally kills it for me most nights - no thank you. I'm attributing this to tiredness and laziness, but please feel free to offer other insights if you have any.

The other thing is, we almost never have sex if it doesn't start with my giving him a blow job. That's part of the "work" that I'm supposed to do if I want sex, but also what he seems to require for him to want sex. I've always enjoyed giving him bj's, but now he makes it a chore, because we basically can't have sex unless I do it. It makes me wish I could take back frequency with them over the years, because he has no appreciation for it, it's just expected. But he won't return the favor - another thing he used to do but refuses to now that he's tired, but expects me to for him.

Hopefully that makes some sense. I just want other men's perspectives on why bj's are the be-all-end-all for my husband. Can you shed some light for me so i can better understand this need of his? Thanks so much.


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## ButtPunch

Sounds like he may have low T or some other medical issue.


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## WorkingOnMe

Boredom?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Volunteer86

Yeah def go get his T checked, it can be a life changer for both of you guys. He needs to change his outlook on sex. So how often is never have it?


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## StillSearching

KM87 said:


> Hello all. I've asked my husband the question I'm about to ask here, but he won't give me an answer. I feel I really need to understand this issue to help us move forward in our relationship, as i feel quite stymied with it now.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. Of course, at the beginning, the sex was great - passionate, sometimes exciting and seemed to always be about closeness. Over the years his sex drive has diminished quite a bit - he tells me he's tired, and I do believe that is true. And quite frankly, I am too, so i get it. Now he often equates sex with work - he asks me "Are you going to do the work tonight or do I have to?" And then we do or don't have sex dependent upon my answer. And that totally kills it for me most nights - no thank you. I'm attributing this to tiredness and laziness, but please feel free to offer other insights if you have any.
> 
> The other thing is, we almost never have sex if it doesn't start with my giving him a blow job. That's part of the "work" that I'm supposed to do if I want sex, but also what he seems to require for him to want sex. I've always enjoyed giving him bj's, but now he makes it a chore, because we basically can't have sex unless I do it. It makes me wish I could take back frequency with them over the years, because *he has no appreciation for it, it's just expected*. But he won't return the favor - another thing he used to do but refuses to now that he's tired, but expects me to for him.
> 
> Hopefully that makes some sense. I just want other men's perspectives on why bj's are the be-all-end-all for my husband. Can you shed some light for me so i can better understand this need of his? Thanks so much.


As men get older and marriage goes into decades, most men I know need help on the front end getting started.
I think BJs before intercourse are VERY common.
I get them every time.
Let me say this....there's not a man I know that does not appreciate a BJ. 
But it sounds like he made need to get his T tested by a physician. It changed my life for the better.
It would help him go from LD to a higher desire. If that's his issue.


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## snerg

Couple things:

1) ages
2) weight/health (if he's grossly over weight, that's going to kill his desire to have sex)
3) stress level
4) Has he gone to a doctor and had his T levels checked?

Many GP will fight giving a test to check for TLvls.
If his GP is like that, have him tell the doctor he no longer wants sex. That will pretty much guarantee a blood draw in the next 5 minutes.

The above can address the lack of desire or thinking that sex is work.
From experience, when my Tlvls bottomed out, anything sex related was work and I wasn't interested

Now for the BJ - it can be a few things:
1) He really, really likes your BJ technique.
2) If he has lower Testosterone, he might not be aware that he is lower but does recognize that a BJ is what eventually gets him going.
3) He's lazy (since he won't reciprocate). He knows you want sex so he's going to control sex and outcome.

He has bad sexual habits. (always demanding BJ for example)
You have bad sexual habits as well (always giving in and not getting what you want).

You two need to have a discussion.
1) he gets his TLvls checked out
2) He starts eating at the Y
3) If you truly like/love performing oral - keep performing. Don't let him ruin it for you. However, if it is a chore, then tell him "you are making this a chore. I don't want it to be a chore. If it remains a chore, then I won't perform"

At some point, you need to put your foot down and stop letting him dictate you desire and pleasure


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## karole

Porn?


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## MidnightBlue

He may have low T and he may be tired but he is also incredibly selfish. If wants to get a little, he needs to give a little.


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## NobodySpecial

I am pushing 50. Husband is in his 40s. I do perform oral pretty much every time. He loves it! Even if he does not need it to get an erection, though he often does. I did feel, as you do, that it was a chore. I felt horribly unsexy. That made things Much Worse. Men can feel badly about erection issues. It gets up in their heads which makes things Much Worse.

When I was feeling badly, I was giving ****ty bj's and generally did not participate well. He felt like sex was all on him. I decided to try being more good, giving and game. I was lucky in that he responded positively rather than jut getting more selfish. The more I gave, the more into it he was, and the more he brought his A game.


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## sokillme

Some of this is our equipment. We can't just lay down and have sex even if we are not stimulated. Our equipment has to work for us to do it. I know this probably doesn't make you feel better but think it like going to a restaurant and having a great dinner. Now lets say you have that same dinner every night for years, most people may still love the food they are eating but they may still reasonably get used to the dinner and it doesn't have the same impact that it did the first times you had it. 

So unfortunately for most men when you have sex with someone for years your attraction just isn't as intense, so he probably needs some external stimulation to "warm" up the equipment. In my mind it doesn't have to be your mouth though all the time. It also doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you. 

Now I get being resentful about the fact that that is required. However we hear all the time that women need romance or an emotional connection to want to have sex, this is something that men who want their wives to enjoy sex are willing to do. To me this isn't much different.

I think part of your problem is the way he acts entitled about it. I think this is where you should concentrate. Also he is selfish for not returning the favor. You should talk about this with him. It won't get better if you don't, it's only going to get worse.


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## Steve2.0

Interesting.. could be multiple reasons. 
While i never asked my wife "if she wanted to work that night" i did have a low sex desire when i was watching porn and masturbating a few times a week. Since i stopped those habits I am now very aggressive with her towards sex (multiple times a week) and she is wondering who the hell i am. Although I did read a lot of books that kind of opened my eyes on some things.

Men love blowjobs... Anytime i hear about a guy that doesn't like them my eyebrows raise in disbelief... like when a car-salesmen tells you that they are 'loosing money on this sale.' - Although i am excluding men who dislike blowjobs because the women sucks at them (too teethy or something.. i dont know)

The concern i have, for you, is that I had to come to my own realization that I was the problem that needed to be fixed. Before this realization i'm not sure there is anything my wife could have done to waken me up.

He should be giving you oral if he wants it back aswell.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Good sex takes effort... but there is a problem when one starts thinking of that effort as "work."

Lots of good suggestions here as to possible physical and mental sources of the problem, so I won't repeat them. What I will say is that I'm 53 and, while I love a BJ as much as the next guy, I have no _need_ for such up front activity to reach maximum performance (which is good because my wife has never really liked oral).

My point in saying this is that BJs can be a great source of variety in a well rounded sex life, but if they are an every time requirement, it can destroy the joy and fun-loving aspect that that particular act should have, especially for the wife (as you seem to have already realized). 

Go through the troubleshooting as laid out by other posters to find a root cause. Hopefully, then you can get back on a footing that allows some spontaneity and mutual shared pleasure in the journey together.


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## uhtred

OK, I love getting BJs, but I also really enjoy variety. I'd get bored with the same thing, or set of things every time. OTOH, my wife pretty much wants one of a small number of patterns of things for sex, so it may not be all that uncommon.


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## cma62

I totally understand your disappointment in your H not reciprocating oral sex.

I think the first order of business should be working through the complacency of “ are you going to do the work tonight”

You should both be giving equal effort .....

There is a place for BJ just for him or oral just for you in your sex life as long as it doesn’t become one sided.
If he doesn’t want to do oral on you but insists on a BJ constantly.....stop. I’m not saying it has to be tit for tat but if you are feeling resentful because there is no reciprocal oral sex....then he has to know and understand that.

You have only been married for 3.5 years......sex should still be very much alive and interesting at this point.
If you are both tired because of work schedules or kids....schedule a weekend away for just the 2 of you so you are both more well rested and enthusiastic to have nothing off the table sex( depending on both of your likes and dislikes).

Introduce some toys, different room in the house( doesn’t have to always be in the bedroom) anything to pique both your interests.....anything that keeps sex fresh and interesting.

Don’t let complacency set in so early on in your marriage.

Takes 2 though...you can’t do it on your own.


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## JayDee7

He sounds like a really lazy lover. Of course he likes BJs that has nothing to do with his lack of enthusiasm or arousal for you. The BJ as foreplay is sexy but I prefer to completion, luckily my wife gives me a BJ to completion at least once or twice a week. 

As a man, it sounds like he has bad sex habits. You ought to break him of them. Do not ask for sex. Instead be sexy and make him want you so he will initiate and take the lead and pounce on you. It’s weird but you should seduce your husband and he should chase you. It feels good for a man when he has conquered his wife, she turns him on and plays hard to get and he chases her and it feels amazing when he takes her.
Good luck.


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## Middle of Everything

NobodySpecial said:


> When I was feeling badly, I was giving ****ty bj's and generally did not participate well. He felt like sex was all on him. I decided to try being more good, giving and game. I was lucky in that he responded positively rather than jut getting more selfish. The more I gave, the more into it he was, and the more he brought his A game.


There is only a like button.

NobodySpecial, you are someone special and I salute you. We need a salute button.

But seriously good for you for rising above the petty tit for tat **** and making it better.


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## KM87

Volunteer86 said:


> Yeah def go get his T checked, it can be a life changer for both of you guys. He needs to change his outlook on sex. So how often is never have it?


It's about once every couple of weeks right now. I'm currently ok with that because I'm 7 months pregnant and just as tired as he is. Normally my drive is much higher, so that'll become more problematic for me after this pregnancy is over (which is/has been our pattern).


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## NobodySpecial

Middle of Everything said:


> There is only a like button.
> 
> NobodySpecial, you are someone special and I salute you. We need a salute button.
> 
> But seriously good for you for rising above the petty tit for tat **** and making it better.


That's what we do, both of us.


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## KM87

NobodySpecial said:


> I am pushing 50. Husband is in his 40s. I do perform oral pretty much every time. He loves it! Even if he does not need it to get an erection, though he often does. I did feel, as you do, that it was a chore. I felt horribly unsexy. That made things Much Worse. Men can feel badly about erection issues. It gets up in their heads which makes things Much Worse.
> 
> When I was feeling badly, I was giving ****ty bj's and generally did not participate well. He felt like sex was all on him. I decided to try being more good, giving and game. I was lucky in that he responded positively rather than jut getting more selfish. The more I gave, the more into it he was, and the more he brought his A game.


Thank you. These are really good points! 

There are times I do it just to get it over with, and I know he can tell. And then there are times I really enjoy myself when I do it - and of course he can tell. The problem with the latter is that it increases his demand for them. He normally expects them everytime, but after a really good one, that's all he wants from me - which is flattering, on the one hand, but hugely frustrating, on the other. I do try to not go that for tat in this because I used to (and sometimes still do) really enjoy giving them. I just hate that hes making it such a chore, and never reciprocates.


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## chillymorn69

Lazy selfish lover

Thats all i got!


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## NobodySpecial

KM87 said:


> Thank you. These are really good points!
> 
> There are times I do it just to get it over with, and I know he can tell. And then there are times I really enjoy myself when I do it - and of course he can tell. The problem with the latter is that it increases his demand for them. He normally expects them everytime, but after a really good one, that's all he wants from me - which is flattering, on the one hand, but hugely frustrating, on the other. I do try to not go that for tat in this because I used to (and sometimes still do) really enjoy giving them. I just hate that hes making it such a chore,* and never reciprocates*.


Selfish dude.


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## KM87

JayDee7 said:


> He sounds like a really lazy lover. Of course he likes BJs that has nothing to do with his lack of enthusiasm or arousal for you. The BJ as foreplay is sexy but I prefer to completion, luckily my wife gives me a BJ to completion at least once or twice a week.
> 
> As a man, it sounds like he has bad sex habits. You ought to break him of them. Do not ask for sex. Instead be sexy and make him want you so he will initiate and take the lead and pounce on you. It’s weird but you should seduce your husband and he should chase you. It feels good for a man when he has conquered his wife, she turns him on and plays hard to get and he chases her and it feels amazing when he takes her.
> Good luck.


Good advice, thank you! I'll try more of this. 

I do think he also prefers bj's to completion. Pair that with his need for one to even want to have sex and I feel that's pretty much all he needs me for. I also try to do that for him - bj to completion - pretty frequently, because I know he loves it, and it seems that only increases his desire for that. I truly don't feel like he wants anything else from me.


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## username77

StillSearching said:


> As men get older and marriage goes into decades, most men I know need help on the front end getting started.
> I think BJs before intercourse are VERY common.
> .


My wife is experiencing this now. When younger I could be at attention through very little to no effort on her part. The mere thought of sex was all I needed, so I would tune her up and then dive on in. Now she'll hop on top and act frustrated because I'm not hard as rock through zero touch or foreplay to my penis. I try to explain, Since turning ~35 my penis isn't like it was at 23, she needs to do a little more work and I need a little more warm-up, not a ton, but it needs to be touched and worked a bit. I've probably spoiled her in that she never gave BJ's, hand-jobs, or really focused on getting me ready at all in the past, I was just always ready for action.

Now between the boredom of our sex, her body no longer where it was at 20, and our poor marriage, I don't really want sex, and I'm definitely not going to be raring to go with no effort on her part anymore.


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## MrsHolland

chillymorn69 said:


> Lazy selfish lover
> 
> Thats all i got!


What he said.


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## chillymorn69

username77 said:


> My wife is experiencing this now. When younger I could be at attention through very little to no effort on her part. The mere thought of sex was all I needed, so I would tune her up and then dive on in. Now she'll hop on top and act frustrated because I'm not hard as rock through zero touch or foreplay to my penis. I try to explain, Since turning ~35 my penis isn't like it was at 23, she needs to do a little more work and I need a little more warm-up, not a ton, but it needs to be touched and worked a bit. I've probably spoiled her in that she never gave BJ's, hand-jobs, or really focused on getting me ready at all in the past, I was just always ready for action.
> 
> Now between the boredom of our sex, her body no longer where it was at 20, and our poor marriage, I don't really want sex, and I'm definitely not going to be raring to go with no effort on her part anymore.


Your only 35.... are you overweight ? Smoking cigs? Have diabetes?

Maybe its resentment!


Maybe a trip to the dr or a life style change


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## arbitrator

KM87 said:


> Hello all. I've asked my husband the question I'm about to ask here, but he won't give me an answer. I feel I really need to understand this issue to help us move forward in our relationship, as i feel quite stymied with it now.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. Of course, at the beginning, the sex was great - passionate, sometimes exciting and seemed to always be about closeness. Over the years his sex drive has diminished quite a bit - he tells me he's tired, and I do believe that is true. And quite frankly, I am too, so i get it. Now he often equates sex with work - he asks me "Are you going to do the work tonight or do I have to?" And then we do or don't have sex dependent upon my answer. And that totally kills it for me most nights - no thank you. I'm attributing this to tiredness and laziness, but please feel free to offer other insights if you have any.
> 
> The other thing is, we almost never have sex if it doesn't start with my giving him a blow job. That's part of the "work" that I'm supposed to do if I want sex, but also what he seems to require for him to want sex. I've always enjoyed giving him bj's, but now he makes it a chore, because we basically can't have sex unless I do it. It makes me wish I could take back frequency with them over the years, because he has no appreciation for it, it's just expected. But he won't return the favor - another thing he used to do but refuses to now that he's tired, but expects me to for him.
> 
> Hopefully that makes some sense. I just want other men's perspectives on why bj's are the be-all-end-all for my husband. Can you shed some light for me so i can better understand this need of his? Thanks so much.


*His modus operandi is both selfish and deplorable!*


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## username77

Lol I'm not impotent, I just need my **** played with for 20 seconds before being rock hard. I think that's pretty normal.



chillymorn69 said:


> username77 said:
> 
> 
> 
> My wife is experiencing this now. When younger I could be at attention through very little to no effort on her part. The mere thought of sex was all I needed, so I would tune her up and then dive on in. Now she'll hop on top and act frustrated because I'm not hard as rock through zero touch or foreplay to my penis. I try to explain, Since turning ~35 my penis isn't like it was at 23, she needs to do a little more work and I need a little more warm-up, not a ton, but it needs to be touched and worked a bit. I've probably spoiled her in that she never gave BJ's, hand-jobs, or really focused on getting me ready at all in the past, I was just always ready for action.
> 
> Now between the boredom of our sex, her body no longer where it was at 20, and our poor marriage, I don't really want sex, and I'm definitely not going to be raring to go with no effort on her part anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> Your only 35.... are you overweight ? Smoking cigs? Have diabetes?
> 
> Maybe its resentment!
> 
> 
> Maybe a trip to the dr or a life style change
Click to expand...


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## Fozzy

He's giving you the male version of starfish sex. I'd give you the same advice I'd give a guy getting that from his wife---don't accept it.


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## uhtred

There is nothing wrong with his really enjoying your skills when you give him a complete BJ. BUT - in addition to wanting more, that should make him enthusiastic to want to show that he can do wonderful things for you. That he doesn't marks him as a lazy / selfish lover in my book.


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## WilliamM

When I was a teenager and every girl was new to me getting erections was spontaneous, for sure. After being married for years it took some touch to get hard. Blow Jobs work extremely well to bring the penis to attention. I'm sure there is some boredom with being married to the same person for years and years whether people admit it or not, but hey, we find ways to make it fun.

For my wife and I Blow Jobs are nearly always only foreplay, and I very much enjoy performing oral sex on her. So that is very different for us than for you.

I think the tired gambit just means other things have priority, which I never let happen. Sex had priority for me, so it came before pretty much everything else. I swept a lot of other things off the table to make sure there was always plenty of time for sex, and rest, and more sex.


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## 247769

The fact he won't reciprocate makes me believe he's turning into a lazy lover. The BJ just feels good and puts him in the mood to finish. Unless there's something going on with you to prevent him from giving you oral, he's just lazy or selfish in my opinion. Communication is the key here. Make him talk to you about it. Be persistent

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## [email protected]

KM87 said:


> Hello all. I've asked my husband the question I'm about to ask here, but he won't give me an answer. I feel I really need to understand this issue to help us move forward in our relationship, as i feel quite stymied with it now.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. Of course, at the beginning, the sex was great - passionate, sometimes exciting and seemed to always be about closeness. Over the years his sex drive has diminished quite a bit - he tells me he's tired, and I do believe that is true. And quite frankly, I am too, so i get it. Now he often equates sex with work - he asks me "Are you going to do the work tonight or do I have to?" And then we do or don't have sex dependent upon my answer. And that totally kills it for me most nights - no thank you. I'm attributing this to tiredness and laziness, but please feel free to offer other insights if you have any.
> 
> The other thing is, we almost never have sex if it doesn't start with my giving him a blow job. That's part of the "work" that I'm supposed to do if I want sex, but also what he seems to require for him to want sex. I've always enjoyed giving him bj's, but now he makes it a chore, because we basically can't have sex unless I do it. It makes me wish I could take back frequency with them over the years, because he has no appreciation for it, it's just expected. But he won't return the favor - another thing he used to do but refuses to now that he's tired, but expects me to for him.
> 
> Hopefully that makes some sense. I just want other men's perspectives on why bj's are the be-all-end-all for my husband. Can you shed some light for me so i can better understand this need of his? Thanks so much.



First I applaud you for even wanting to give a blowie! Kudos to you. 
It puts you far above your female commraderie who conditionally say they love them, then after marriage quickly they stop! Make excuses for the lack thereof and basically believe the lies they tell themselves and their husbands.
They should have been honest from the start. So bravo to you for your honesty and bravery.
Your hubby is wrong here! Period!
But so are you a co-conspirator, inasmuch as you tolerating the notion of sex/work being synonymous.
Sex is a beautiful God-given union, representing the beautiful and amazing imagery of Ephesians 5. And Not the drugerous chore many make it out to be.
Too often couples use sex (and oral sex) as bargaining chips or samurai swords held over their spouses heads to get what they want or dont want.
That my dear is not love it is Pride, the opposite of love! Selfishness at its best and at its heart. Nothing in it is unconditional.

Your husband should be treating you as Christ does His bride, but it would seem that laziness and pride and arrogance have clouded his vision and heart.

Blowies are amazing...a beautiful gift. And you normally love giving them and feel empowered and accomplished as a wife and woman by taking care of your man in this way (even swallowing his essence, if you truly enjoy it- not falsely placating it) then you are an amazing Godly wife and woman; unselfish and loving (even to try and understand this) and in the top 5% of wives who actually do this and have amazing marriages.

Its like this if you are willing to do this small thing (oral sex) for each other, and in love how much better will your love making be? And if you are willing to make and grow your intimacy and bond how much better your marriage and how better will you be glorifying God?

Most have not this concept and sadly do not want or take time to understand it.
Youre a good woman...go take your husband, ride him like a cowgirl and show him your serious about your committment to him and God. Show him why your better than sports illustrated or playboy or inet porn...be real..be loud...have fun and own your climax!

Or do nothing and let the devil ruin it like he does all others.


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## minimalME

[email protected] said:


> a blowie!


I love this! New phrase added to the vocabulary. :grin2:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

And tell him not to start off any more with the "work" comment. Nicely at first but firmly. 
And variety is the spice of life. Some things start off the same but sex isn't one of them.


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## RandomDude

There are days when I get exhausted but still want to have sex too, try some relaxing positions such as spoon or lotus. What I found is that even if I'm not in the mood, such positions get me in the mood (not to mention if teasing is involved) and sometimes no matter how tired and sore I am my horniness kicks in and I become more... 'enthusiastic'  If I get teased enough I also start being more aggressive.


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## She'sStillGotIt

[email protected] said:


> First I applaud you for even wanting to give a blowie! Kudos to you.
> It puts you far above your female commraderie who conditionally say they love them, then after marriage quickly they stop! Make excuses for the lack thereof and basically believe the lies they tell themselves and their husbands.
> They should have been honest from the start. So bravo to you for your honesty and bravery.
> Your hubby is wrong here! Period!
> But so are you a co-conspirator, inasmuch as you tolerating the notion of sex/work being synonymous.
> Sex is a beautiful God-given union, representing the beautiful and amazing imagery of Ephesians 5. And Not the drugerous chore many make it out to be.
> Too often couples use sex (and oral sex) as bargaining chips or samurai swords held over their spouses heads to get what they want or dont want.
> That my dear is not love it is Pride, the opposite of love! Selfishness at its best and at its heart. Nothing in it is unconditional.
> 
> Your husband should be treating you as Christ does His bride, but it would seem that laziness and pride and arrogance have clouded his vision and heart.
> 
> Blowies are amazing...a beautiful gift. And you normally love giving them and feel empowered and accomplished as a wife and woman by taking care of your man in this way (even swallowing his essence, if you truly enjoy it- not falsely placating it) then you are an amazing Godly wife and woman; unselfish and loving (even to try and understand this) and in the top 5% of wives who actually do this and have amazing marriages.
> 
> Its like this if you are willing to do this small thing (oral sex) for each other, and in love how much better will your love making be? And if you are willing to make and grow your intimacy and bond how much better your marriage and how better will you be glorifying God?
> 
> Most have not this concept and sadly do not want or take time to understand it.
> Youre a good woman...go take your husband, ride him like a cowgirl and show him your serious about your committment to him and God. Show him why your better than sports illustrated or playboy or inet porn...be real..be loud...have fun and own your climax!
> 
> Or do nothing and let the devil ruin it like he does all others.


While your cringe-worthy and extremely *biased* opinions (no doubt based on your own life experiences) would have SURELY solved all the OPs problems, the sad fact remains that she hasn't been back to this thread in over 2 months. 

Drat the luck.


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## Middle of Everything

minimalME said:


> I love this! New phrase added to the vocabulary. :grin2:


Please dont. It sounds like something a 16 year old says to a girl to get some. "No sex? Ahhh come on. At least give me a blowie". 

Cringe


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## Taxman

I hear this, and I say, sex is a normal human bodily function. If there is a problem, then the first visit must be to a physician. There are a myriad of conditions where sex becomes difficult, and these are properly addressed in a physical workup. Before exploring psychological avenues, physical causality must be ruled out. I may be out of context here, but you seem young, and married only 3.5 years? At 3.5 years, I think we were still in the one bedroom apartment, and our normal evening consisted of removal of our clothing when we arrived home from work, and dinner after sex, sometimes at 9 sometimes at midnight.


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## shadesofgrey

Sorry I'm late to the game here, but I will be as straight forward and as honest as I can. If you are married to a male that doesn't want sex, doesn't want to reciprocate oral, you have a serious problem. Not kidding, not at all, there is an issues here, and I would cut my losses and move on. God only knows what the true problem is, but It's not good. Trust me, I work, hang out with men all day, and have never had the conversation with any of them regarding they didn't want to have sex or get a BJ. Move on, life is too short, I'm finding out the hard way, don't make my mistake of being with a non sexual being. 







KM87 said:


> Hello all. I've asked my husband the question I'm about to ask here, but he won't give me an answer. I feel I really need to understand this issue to help us move forward in our relationship, as i feel quite stymied with it now.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. Of course, at the beginning, the sex was great - passionate, sometimes exciting and seemed to always be about closeness. Over the years his sex drive has diminished quite a bit - he tells me he's tired, and I do believe that is true. And quite frankly, I am too, so i get it. Now he often equates sex with work - he asks me "Are you going to do the work tonight or do I have to?" And then we do or don't have sex dependent upon my answer. And that totally kills it for me most nights - no thank you. I'm attributing this to tiredness and laziness, but please feel free to offer other insights if you have any.
> 
> The other thing is, we almost never have sex if it doesn't start with my giving him a blow job. That's part of the "work" that I'm supposed to do if I want sex, but also what he seems to require for him to want sex. I've always enjoyed giving him bj's, but now he makes it a chore, because we basically can't have sex unless I do it. It makes me wish I could take back frequency with them over the years, because he has no appreciation for it, it's just expected. But he won't return the favor - another thing he used to do but refuses to now that he's tired, but expects me to for him.
> 
> Hopefully that makes some sense. I just want other men's perspectives on why bj's are the be-all-end-all for my husband. Can you shed some light for me so i can better understand this need of his? Thanks so much.


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## jlg07

KM87 said:


> I just hate that hes making it such a chore, and never reciprocates.


What would happen if you just turned around and "climbed aboard" so that he would have to do you while you are doing him?


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## KM87

jlg07 said:


> What would happen if you just turned around and "climbed aboard" so that he would have to do you while you are doing him?


My husband tends to be quite squeamish about many things I don't even give a second thought to. Having seen his reaction to non-sexual things, it has made me nervous that that is his reason for not performing oral. In which case, it makes me feel dirty and embarrassed. I'd be mortified to do as you suggest and have him freak out because he wasn't prepared for it.

But pondering this possibility has reminded me of some of the details I'd forgotten. He used to perform oral quite often when we were dating. Also, when we were dating, I had an IUD that had caused my periods to stop. Human blood is one of the things he is very squeamish about. Shortly after we got married, I had my IUD removed, as we wanted to start having kids, and of course my periods returned. I am fairly certain I can pinpoint the lack of oral from him to have begun when my period did. 

Of course during that time of the month I don't expect anything sexual from him - he's made it clear it freaks him out - even though I tend to find penetration feels particularly amazing during that time. (I read somewhere that's a thing?) But I'm thinking that might be the root of this problem. However, it hasn't cleared up even though I've pretty much been pregnant or nursing for almost 3 years (thus, no period - only twice before I was pregnant again). It makes me wonder how other couples still manage great sex lives even with a period every few weeks. I guess a lack of squeamishness is helpful!


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## CatholicDad

Hubby has got to be regular porn user or something to be so oversexed that sex is "work". Truly.

I can't fathom how a man could behave like that otherwise. BJs are about the hottest thing ever, but needing one to get hard?.. again no way unless he's seriously oversexed (likely porn if you aren't involved).

I'm almost 50, married 25 years. Gave up porn decades ago. Don't need any "help" or special work from my wife. If we're alone and baby is asleep, I pursue.. aggressively. She offers BJs often, but I may be so worked up I can't even deal with that and prefer instead to work on her so I can finish her and be relieved of my madness (before baby wakes or kids interrupt).

Just saying... men not on porn don't get finicky about sex. Rather, it is a precious opportunity that you never let slip by. 

Porn is the great destroyer of men and marriage.

Low T, decreased attraction, resentment, overworked.... that's all BS.


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