# Am I wrong? Tired of all the drama.



## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We met while I was still married to my ex-wife. Our relationship has been tumultuous and rocky for most of our marriage. There is a lot to say, and one thread just won't cover it all. Lately our (well her) fights are becoming more and more frequent. I am honestly sick of the drama. We have four children in the house and she is a stay-at-home wife. I mean this in the literal sense....she is a wife, and she stays at home. Nothing else. I work nights and sleep during the daytime. When I get home in the morning, I get the kids ready, take them to school, come home, spend some time with her, then go to sleep. I get up around 3, go pick the kids up from school, come home, do some chores (laundry, cleaning, etc), then cook dinner and make sure the kids have a bath. My wife sits on the couch the whole time, not moving. I am sick of feeling like a single father. She literally never moves. She's not overweight, out of shape, or disabled. She is just lazy.

Our (her) fights center on our not going anywhere, not doing enough family things, my not listening to her, and us not having a conversation, but what do you talk about with a woman that does nothing all day and all night? We do talk about the kids, a particular TV show we are watching, etc. How do you go somewhere with someone that never wants to leave the house? 

If she wants something, I get it for her. If she asks me to do something for her, I do it. I try my best to be attentive to her needs, but her emotional needs are daunting. I admit, I am not an emotional person, I am more of a logical thinker and cannot really change that part of my personality. She came with some baggage when we met, but who doesn't? I try to be understanding however; I am getting sick of being treated like a step and fetch it bi$%h. I am also getting more tired of her wanting to argue all the time. Divorce and/or separation are seeming like more of a welcome option. My friends don't understand how I stay in this marriage and give me props for putting up with it all. They have met and know her, so this is not all a one-sided issue with them and their opinions either, just to clear that up.

So, to leave or to stay? Note: I have also scheduled marriage counseling three (3) times and she has either refused to go, or refused to continue after the therapist told her she was not in the right. So, thoughts................


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are being trod all over, you work and do the domestic work too? You have set no boundaries for your wife. You need to start doing that. Sounds like she has all the time in the world to complain cause she is doing nothing else.
Decide what you will and will not do in terms of domestic chores from now on. Have a rota for cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. She ought to be doing the lion's share if you are out working and she is a SAHM.
Tell her she needs to get a part time job instead of sitting on her touche all day

You need to grow a pair basically and change the power balance in your relationship because basically you are being p**** whipped in this marriage.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Let us start from the beginning. Was she always like this and if not how did she become like this. I suppose you mention divorce what is her reply. You mention kids about how old are they and what is their take on this. The therapist shouldnt be the judge or else she wont get customers. I can see your wife's point if you are prepared to do everything why should she bother.


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

She was not always lazy like this, but she has always been insecure. Her insecurity makes her miserable and she projects her misery onto me and the kids. I take the brunt of the load most of the time, so they don't have to. We have two high schoolers and two elementary age children. 

She has been the one to bring up divorce in the past. I am getting tired of hearing the threat of it. The previous therapist we actually went to more than twice told her she needed to get up and move. (Either take SAHM job seriously or find a real job somewhere). She also told her that her happiness was not incumbent upon me. She had said that it is one half the couples duty to make the other happy. I told her that I should add to her happiness, but that her total happiness was not my responsibility. She got very defensive about this statement. I also said we needed full disclosure with our therapist and she wasn't on board with that. (Her previous drug addiction, relationships, etc)


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

TiredHubby2791 said:


> She was not always lazy like this, but she has always been insecure. Her insecurity makes her miserable and she projects her misery onto me and the kids. I take the brunt of the load most of the time, so they don't have to. We have two high schoolers and two elementary age children.
> 
> She has been the one to bring up divorce in the past. *I am getting tired of hearing the threat of it.* The previous therapist we actually went to more than twice told her she needed to get up and move. (Either take SAHM job seriously or find a real job somewhere). She also told her that her happiness was not incumbent upon me. She had said that it is one half the couples duty to make the other happy. I told her that I should add to her happiness, but that her total happiness was not my responsibility. She got very defensive about this statement. I also said we needed full disclosure with our therapist and she wasn't on board with that. (Her previous drug addiction, relationships, etc)


Maybe next time she threatens you with divorce, call her bluff and tell her you'll file right away. Hell, I'm not sure why you'd want to wait until the next fight - you should do it today.

You don't have 4 children in the house, you've got 5. Sounds like you do just about everything around the house and the way you describe it she just sits around while she does it. Some of that is on you, my friend - I wouldn't be lifting a hand to help her with ANYTHING she asked me to do. In fact, it should be the other way around, with you asking her to do some of household work that's fallen to you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W refusal to do anything is enough to consider D. Specifically if she has had conversation with you concerning each of your concerns. It is not as if this will be such a surprise and not knowing you are having a hard time with her SAHM(Domestic Goddess) way of life that entails you doing 95% of the work.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> She had said that it is one half the couples duty to make the other happy.


Only your W can make herself happy. You can be part of that happiness or a part of her being miserable. You are not the sole provider of the happiness in her life.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

TiredHubby2791 said:


> She had said that it is one half the couples duty to make the other happy.





Yeswecan said:


> Only your W can make herself happy. You can be part of that happiness or a part of her being miserable. You are not the sole provider of the happiness in her life.


Absolutely right, but it's interesting that even by her own skewed standards, she's apparently failing miserably.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

TiredHubby2791 said:


> If she wants something, I get it for her. If she asks me to do something for her, I do it


Why? You work hard 24/7 while she sits around on her lazy ass.

Stop doing for her, all you're doing is enabling her.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Not at all wrong. Your expectations are reasonable, her performance as wife/mother is not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TiredHubby2791 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We met while I was still married to my ex-wife. Our relationship has been tumultuous and rocky for most of our marriage. There is a lot to say, and one thread just won't cover it all. Lately our (well her) fights are becoming more and more frequent. I am honestly sick of the drama. We have four children in the house and she is a stay-at-home wife. I mean this in the literal sense....she is a wife, and she stays at home. Nothing else. I work nights and sleep during the daytime. When I get home in the morning, I get the kids ready, take them to school, come home, spend some time with her, then go to sleep. I get up around 3, go pick the kids up from school, come home, do some chores (laundry, cleaning, etc), then cook dinner and make sure the kids have a bath. My wife sits on the couch the whole time, not moving. I am sick of feeling like a single father. She literally never moves. She's not overweight, out of shape, or disabled. She is just lazy.
> 
> Our (her) fights center on our not going anywhere, not doing enough family things, my not listening to her, and us not having a conversation, but what do you talk about with a woman that does nothing all day and all night? We do talk about the kids, a particular TV show we are watching, etc. How do you go somewhere with someone that never wants to leave the house?
> 
> ...


Four kids in the house... how many of them are both yours and hers?


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

We have two and two were hers from a previous marriage. 

We are currently in a blowout over my joining a gym and not telling her. I go on my lunch break at work so it doesn't interfere with time at home. I'm a cop, so staying in some sort of shape outside of round is part of the job. She is upset saying I " withheld" this information from her. I did tell her as soon as she inquired after seeing a web site I was viewing regarding a body weight strengthening program. I don't get her anger at this issue. I'm not having affairs ( or considering one), I don't gamble, use drugs, have any hobbies to speak of. I'm always at work or at home. I'm pretty easy to find. 

I have since quit the gym just to keep the peace.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

TiredHubby2791 said:


> I have since quit the gym just to keep the peace.


Whenever you choose "peace", or what passes for peace in your house, over reasonable healthy pursuits, I think you've made a mistake. I imagine you've made a lifestyle of giving things up in the pursuit of "peace", and if so look where it's gotten you.

Rejoin the gym, and don't ask for permission to do so.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GTdad said:


> Whenever you choose "peace", or what passes for peace in your house, over reasonable healthy pursuits, I think you've made a mistake. I imagine you've made a lifestyle of giving things up in the pursuit of "peace", and if so look where it's gotten you.
> 
> Rejoin the gym, and don't ask for permission to do so.


Agreed.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Next time she threatens divorce, simply say:

"Then I will miss you and I will likely not find someone I love as much as you. But I will settle for someone who is interested in being a contributor."

Who cares if she gets mad?

Will she physically hurt you? Does she have blackmail material on you? Both rhetorical...

Join the gym. When she gets mad, smile and thank her for her opinion. Then go anyway.


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