# Resenting my hubby for rejecting me



## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

I'm 26 married to my hubby of 2 years he's 33. I am extremely high drive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sex addict because I want it so much. We do have amazing sex which attributes to my desire. I want more and more. I have self esteem issues from my first marriage. He never ever wanted sex. We would go months with nothing. I wonder if he's gay. He made me have huge self esteem issues. My husband now is so much more open and loves me and truly made me feel beautiful and georgeous for the first time in my life. But he has also rejected me too! A lot. We've had the same fight of me being upset over and over. It's hard for me to initiate sex because my fear of rejection.

1. There are soooo many times I ask for sex. I hit on him all day, send nude pics, say I want him and he doesn't do anything
2. He never went down on me for the first year and a half. He did it less than 5 times. I cried and cried telling him it made me feel like a freak that he doesn't want to do that. I give him a BJ everyday.
He finally does it more now. But I resent him for feeling like I'm forcing him. We had to have 100 arguments before he did. 
3. I never wear lingerie EVER. It's sooo terrifying of the fear of getting shot down. However one day I bought a blue Lacy number and he told me I looked beautiful and "accidentally feel asleep"
I felt so ashamed. I was humiliated. He doesn't have a sleep disorder. It's like Everytime I initiate something it pushes me away.
We have so many arguments about this. I'm defiantly resenting him and it's getting so hard to keep forgiving him. Everytime he rejects me it truly chips apart of me. There's so much previous baggage there from my ex. 
Just wanting to vent and get suggestions to get past this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that this is going on in your marriage.

Can you give some more info? 

How often do you two actually have sex?

Who initiates when you have sex? Is it you all the time, or does he initiate too?

How often do you want sex?

About what percentage of the time does he turn you down?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that this is going on in your marriage.
> 
> Can you give some more info?
> 
> ...


We were having sex 2 times a day but lately once a day or several times a week. I would like it every day. I don't initiate too much because it's so terrifying for me. But like yesterday we had sex early and I told him immediately I wanted him again later. Then texted him nude pics. Then at a movie told him I wanted him. And we get home and he falls asleep. I feel like he rejects me almost all the time I do try. Which he says I should just jump on him but how can I have the courage to do that when he feel asleep when I wore
lingerie. I'm moving backwards. Not wanting him to see me naked. Having less of a drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

As a married couple, you're getting it more than most. Did you ever ask your H how many times he would like to have sex? You may have a mismatched sex drive vs your H. I too have a high drive and can orgasm a few times a day. However, my wife can't have sex daily let alone multiples in a day. Discuss sex with him in a calm but honest way and be open to the fact that he may not want sex every day.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you for your advice. He says he wants it twice a day. We do good for a bit and then will manage to reject me somehow and I shut down and now there's so much past baggage and resentment


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job? If so how many hours a week do you work?

I suppose he has a job. How many hours a week does he work?

I'm asking because I'm curious about each of yours energy levels.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Wow, just wow. Dial it back a bit. Talk to him about a minimum amount, but more that 1 per day long term is probably not possible for him, he needs to be able to turn you down. 

A guy presenting your needs would be brutalized here .


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Yes we both work full time and have 4 kids between us
We work 40 hours at least 

And I do Agree I'm a lot to keep up with


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Yes we both work full time and have 4 kids between us
> We work 40 hours at least
> 
> And I do Agree I'm a lot to keep up with


I'll say!! I wouldn't be able to keep up with you thats for sure.
course I'm an old guy, 3 times a week plenty for me.

but I think even when I was young that would be too much.

you are one high drive gal! Nothing wrong with that.......many a mans dream....

carry on!


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Yea just wish MY MANS dream. lol. Thanks for the feedback


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Outside of sex, how much time each week do you and your husband spend together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

We try to do everything together. Watch same shows, lay down together. We go to movies a lot. Go on dates once a week. He's a perfect man. He's romantic. We have stresses like everyone but happy.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Yea just wish MY MANS dream. lol. Thanks for the feedback


Wouldn't assume you aren't his dream! Just maybe a bit much to keep up with. Just a thought, are you looking for full on lovemaking sessions 2 or more times a day? Maybe agreeing on some quickies could take some of the pressure off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> We try to do everything together. Watch same shows, lay down together. We go to movies a lot. Go on dates once a week. He's a perfect man. He's romantic. We have stresses like everyone but happy.


You do all of this without your 4 children around, just the two of you? Would you say that you two spend at least 15 yours a week together, without the children?

By the way, movies do not count as time together since you are focused on the movie, not on each other.

See I'm wondering if the issue is that you are not getting enough non-sexual intimacy, so you are going for sex to get that intimacy.

I also wonder if your husband is feeling something that some women complain about. Sometimes women complain that their husband is constantly pawing at them for sex. The only touch they get from their husband is him trying to get sex. Non-sexual touching builds desire and intimacy. Constant pawing at a person for sex drives them away.

Have you considered seen a therapist?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

That is an interesting take on it. I was about to dismiss the 15 hour thing, saw it coming form your questions, dismiss it as not applicable on the male side. But you've turned that around, interesting.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

We just started therapy. He did his first solo appointment and mine is next week then both of us together. We don't have our kids every other weekend so we get some weekends so ourself which is nice


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad that you two are going to therapy. Hopefully you can figure out a way for the two of you to settle this.

There are two books that I think might help you both: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". It would help you both to read those books together and do the work they suggest.

You both need to learn how to talk to each other and how to listen. It's a pretty common problem and very solvable.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you! I'll do Anything. I will look for those tomorrow


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I'm 26 married to my hubby of 2 years he's 33. I am extremely high drive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sex addict because I want it so much.
> 
> ....It's hard for me to initiate sex because my fear of rejection.
> 
> ...





Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> We were having sex 2 times a day but lately once a day or several times a week. I would like it every day. *I don't initiate too much because it's so terrifying for me.* But like yesterday we had sex early and I told him immediately I wanted him again later. Then texted him nude pics. Then at a movie told him I wanted him. *And we get home and he falls asleep. I feel like he rejects me almost all the time I do try.* Which he says I should just jump on him but how can I have the courage to do that when he feel asleep when I wore lingerie. I'm moving backwards. Not wanting him to see me naked. Having less of a drive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Thank you for your advice. He says he wants it twice a day. We do good for a bit and then will manage to reject me somehow and *I shut down and now there's so much past baggage and resentment*





Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Yes we both work full time and *have 4 kids between us
> We work 40 hours at least *
> 
> And I do Agree I'm a lot to keep up with





Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> *We try to do everything together. Watch same shows, lay down together. We go to movies a lot. Go on dates once a week. He's a perfect man. He's romantic. We have stresses like everyone but happy.*


You sound like you don't appreciate how good you have it. Your glass is almost overflowing and yet you want so much more.

Sleep deprivation is nearly chronic. Have you read up on this and worked with your husband on his getting more sleep?

Do you know what co-dependence is? You should not look to your husband for all the joy/happiness in your life. Do you have a life that provides you pleasure and satisfaction outside of your husband? 

Rejection really hurts. I know as I was in a sex starved marriage. That means I initiated but didn't have sex with my wife for months in a row. It could be a lot worse. You are having sex with the man you love and have 4 children with nearly daily.

My advice to you is to forgive him, drop your anger toward him, count your blessings. It is great that the two of you are in therapy. It sounds like he really must love you. Another piece of advice is to work on getting a life. That is code words for doing things by yourself (or with you kids while you husband sleeps) that gives you a sense of pride in who you are. 

Good luck. You sound like the kind of wife that most men would die for.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm pretty flabbergasted by this thread, I must admit. When I saw the title I clicked through to read as I thought, this is somebody I can sympathise with - I too am suffering badly as a result of rejection by my husband. We had sex five times in the last year and have not had sex for more than six months now. Reading your thread, I've had to really take myself in hand not to feel jealous of you and the amount of sex you get. Please, OP, carry on with the therapy, etc, and learn to communicate fully with your husband but I think you should also step back and take a look at your situation - I think you're lucky to be getting the amount of sex you get.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I give him a BJ everyday.


This stood out to me. Could this be important?

I'm certainly no advocate for withholding sex to 'teach a lesson' and I'm not suggesting that. But I ask you-why would he put forth alot of effort when he's getting his?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

You guys give good advice. It's a little hard to hear but I needed to hear it. I'm not good at forgiving I build up resentment so I need to work on that. 
I do have a lot of girl friends and go out now and then. 

And as far as the BJ thing, I have to do it to get him hard most of the time. So it's to get sex. I just wish he did the same for me with out having to force him.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Mrs R, I'm wondering if there is something behind your overwhelming desire to have sex than simply having a high drive for sex. 

It's been said that "men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love" and in many cases that is true. I'm just wondering if you've suffered rejection with a previous partner which might be being added to your high drive sexual desire for your husband.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Yes! Your right. I was married before. I didn't have a high drive with him I just wanted sex. I wanted intimacy. He would have sex once a month at most. It ended up destroying our marriage. I left after trying everything I could to fix us. We went months with nothing. I seriously question if he is gay. People always asked because he's more metro etc..now with my current hubby I have a high drive and always want more. Not sure how to change it though


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Left over fears of rejection from your previous marriage may be impacting your present marriage. Perhaps a counselor may be able to help give you the tools to conquer those fears.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> You guys give good advice. It's a little hard to hear but I needed to hear it. I'm not good at forgiving I build up resentment so I need to work on that.
> I do have a lot of girl friends and go out now and then.
> 
> And as far as the BJ thing, I have to do it to get him hard most of the time. So it's to get sex. I just wish he did the same for me with out having to force him.


Are you saying that the only way he can get had is if you give him a blow job?

So you are not giving him a bj to finish. 

Does he make sure that you have orgasms when you two have sex? If not, about what percentage of the time you have sex with him are you having orgasms?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

When I was 23 I was practically living with a 34 yr old divorced nympho. I wanted more but to her I was a live sex toy. I had days where I just wanted to snuggle and watch a movie...but I do not remember 1 day there was not sex expected. I was never so sick of sex. I felt all she wanted me for was sex....and I was right. Keeping up with that pace may be too much for him. Have him check his testosterone level to see if something may be wrong there. I started t therapy around 37.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> When I was 23 I was practically living with a 34 yr old divorced nympho....


OK, you are Divinely Favored. :smthumbup:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> When I was 23 I was practically living with a 34 yr old divorced nympho. I wanted more but to her I was a live sex toy. I had days where I just wanted to snuggle and watch a movie...but I do not remember 1 day there was not sex expected. I was never so sick of sex. I felt all she wanted me for was sex....and I was right. Keeping up with that pace may be too much for him. Have him check his testosterone level to see if something may be wrong there. I started t therapy around 37.


Seems about a year or so ago several threads popped up from dudes that were with really high drive women. People would needle them and joke about it and jive them, but to them it's no joke them getting walked up several times a night, already sleep deprived to service the wife.

OP, this has nothing to do with you I think, just mentioning that 
some guys do have to go through this. Usually thought of as the other way around.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Do you think you make him feel used? that all you need is his d...k? Yes, I've heard that complain from my husband in the past, usually around certain time of the month....

And you do have it often. He might be getting more than he needs to, but doesn't want to admit in order not to appear "not manly enough".

You said that your ex wanted sex all the time and it ruined your marriage. Are you going to learn from that experience?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Testosterone check may be a good idea--but keep in mind that some guys need a little more time to reload. It's just biological, and has nothing to do with desire. The fact that you're having to give him a BJ every time to prep for sex means that he just might not have had enough time since your last go-round. Still don't know how often he's actually rejecting you, but if it's not a high percentage it might just be that he needs a day off to recharge.

How does he reject you? Is it a "not a chance, get the hell off me" or more of a "we'll get together some other time"?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Do you think you make him feel used? that all you need is his d...k? Yes, I've heard that complain from my husband in the past, usually around certain time of the month....
> 
> And you do have it often. He might be getting more than he needs to, but doesn't want to admit in order not to appear "not manly enough".
> 
> You said that your ex wanted sex all the time and it ruined your marriage. Are you going to learn from that experience?


She actually stated that her ex denied her constantly. SHE was the one that wanted sex all the time, but he'd only give it up once a month or so. IMO, this is very relevant and I feel the OP's pain she feels on rejection is based in her previous relationship.

OP--try to keep in mind that he doesn't seem to be serially rejecting you like your ex. The pain and resentment you feel from your previous marriage should stay with your previous marriage. Don't bring it into this one. A spouse should feel able to turn down sex occasionally as long as it's handled with care, and if you make it seem like he no longer has that option, he may start to resent YOU for it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

One would tell you the same you'd tell an overeager husband. 2 maybe 3 times a week is above average in a marriage, and wanting more is probably unreasonable and likely to diminish his interest. A wealthy friend went on an expensive cruise. While dressing up for chateaubriand and lobster is wonderful, my wife and I agreed that doing that every night would not be fun and we'd prefer to just relax.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I can relate to this. I also struggle with deciding when enough is enough. I have sex 2-3 times a week, but would prefer daily. My husband also rejected me a lot, so I stopped initiating. 

A part in my brain wants more sex, but another part rationally realizes that 2-3 times a week, is more than enough for most people, so I should stop complaining. 

Personally I've just settled to our normal 2-3 times a week. Would I still like more? Of course, but it's bearable. If I can't stand it I'll take care of things myself to take the edge off. 

Having sex daily can be a chore to people. We aren't all wired the same, so while it's fun for you, it can be tiresome to him. I'd back up a little and look at your situation. If he is normally giving you daily sex then I'd say he is trying. I'd compromise and give him a little break. Meet in the middle at maybe 4 times a week.. Does he have to orgasm every time? If some days you focus the pleasure just on you, he will have more of a build up for the next time. Of course he has to be a giver, and generous enough to be up for these one sided sex encounters. Mine is not.

Sorry. I have trouble with the same situation, so I'm not sure how much help I am.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> She actually stated that her ex denied her constantly. SHE was the one that wanted sex all the time, but he'd only give it up once a month or so. IMO, this is very relevant and I feel the OP's pain she feels on rejection is based in her previous relationship.
> 
> OP--try to keep in mind that he doesn't seem to be serially rejecting you like your ex. The pain and resentment you feel from your previous marriage should stay with your previous marriage. Don't bring it into this one. A spouse should feel able to turn down sex occasionally as long as it's handled with care, and if you make it seem like he no longer has that option, he may start to resent YOU for it.


You are right, I forgot about that part in original post. 

in any case - daily sex is simply too often for most of the people, particularly working full time and raising four kids. It is not easy, but I think her husband is arelady doing it more often than he really wants too - now she needs to do her part, and give him a brake too.

It is what it is. I am getting it once a week mostly, although I would like 2-3 times. have to live with it, entertain myself when I have to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that you sound a little needy and exhausting. He hasn't even rested up from the sex you just had and you're pawing him for more, it could make someone feel like you care about nothing else. 

I wonder if the rejection of your first marriage causes you to equate sex with love and you need to be constantly reminded through sex that he loves you. 

I think you need dial it down a bit before you wreck this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Refraction time is different in men. I have had ED issues, and even though I've been married for over 10 years, when it happens, it's still embarassing to me. I relate my potency with my manhood. 

_If I can't perform for my wife when she wants it, I'm no kind of man... _

I know that is not an accurate thought, but men sometimes think that way. 
Just a thought, if you tried something different, off the wall, kinky - something that hasn't been done before, but might be a turn on for him... maybe that would trigger a dopamine rush and he would attack you. Just an idea...


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Injecting a little variety e.g. role playing, oral where PIV does not always takes place can help, especially when it comes to performance anxiety with us guys.


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## wife21 (Feb 21, 2015)

That seems very often! I seem to have more sex drive than my husband as well so I can understand your frustration. But in general I would say that twice a day is expecting a lot. 

If you haven't already tried, I would suggest just starting something physical. A passionate kiss, unbuttoning your shirt etc. Instead of verbally asking for it.


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## Sleepsalonefl (Apr 28, 2014)

Really? I too am flabbergasted and jealous. If my wife wanted sex twice a day or more, texted me naughty pictures and movies, bought lingerie, and wanted me to go down on her daily and jumped me while I was sleeping, I would think I've died and gone to heaven.

I'd be willing to trade a lot...pretty much all my material stuff...for that. It's crazy how mismatched people are, I don't get it.

Many of the posters on here covered the emotional and relational angle very well, so I d like to check on something a little different.

Maybe your husband just needs more sleep each night and he is in fact just exhausted? Lack of sleep will greatly impact performance in all areas, including libido and testosterone. Also make sure he gets lots of fluids, dehydration is s significant factor in desire and performance. On the rare occasions when I've been able to do my wife twice in one day, I've noticed dehydration affecting me. Also consider nutrition. You may think that's fine, but I seriously doubt it is with your schedule of work, sex twice a day and four kids. My best advice I can give is get a hold of the book "The Maker's Diet" and do everything in it. Even if that doesn't solve your problem, your health will improve from wherever it is now.

Oh how I wish my DW would have half of your drive and desire! Hey, where do you live? Maybe you can swing by my house and rub some of that off on her? Seriously I would kill for that...(ok, I wouldn't kill but definitely consider a serious non-violent felony...)


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Op forget about books , forget about theories ....

MC is great , but for a mature person like you , you can already start with or without it .

*You seem to be a great person , and rejection will ruin your marriage .*

Your husband seems like a nice guy too ; because I didn't sense any humulation while rejecting you .

I just would like to assure to you that anger , resentment and pain from a partner who has a lower drive is a lot of pain , I have been through this with my wife , and it freaks me of how aggressive I feel inside though I don't act .

A person with Lower drive doesn't feel pain ;

I recall when I used to try punishing my LD wife by rejecting her ,I thought she is in pain ; actually she was not ; she doesn't care because she doesn't feel it ; majority of time she just do not intend to be sexless ,she doesn't know or have experienced such a pain : sex deprivation .

when confronted her I got answer like : we did it few days back ; then she would look at me as a sex maniac .

You are a great women who many of us marsians would love to have ; you are a shining venus 


irrespective if you still have a trauma is from your old marriage ; apparently you are HD .

at the same time i can see 2 problems :

-you are not getting the frequency you need .
-you are not getting the level you need.

at the same time you are having a problem with foreplay ; you shut down you desire when you put lingery or fantasize .

You need to increase the depth and intensity of your sexual experience ; not talking about hardcore here !

you don't do seduction because of your social or religious or your previous trauma.

start a new experience ; first straight ,surprise your husband with an unusual setting of environment ; do small steps too toward seduction and foreplay ...

lead him through your body language to what you like ; instead of discussing oral with him , just change few settings (hygienne pattern , introduce gel, etc... ) don't misunderstand me I have seen cases where the man is affected : he doeasn't want to eat soap !

while in play lead him through body language and your invitation to things u like , by hints , taking his hand , massaging your body in his , a 69 soft approach ...

once u get a higher climax ,and reach multiple orgasms before he gets his ,he will be satisfied as well as u will be ...

the frequency of urges will go down to few times per week ; which seems more adequate.

good luck !

I have recently started to believe very seriously , that when 2 patner are t get married they should be evaluated t see if their desires matches ; it is not fair to and HD to suffer , nor an LD to feel what he/she cant feel ...


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