# Time to move on?



## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Hi everyone. I started on another thread a few days back but now I'm on the considering separation thread. I have been married now for almost 19 years, 3 kids ages 14, 12, and 10. I'm very close with my husbands family and they all live on the same street as I do. They are my closest friends. We live in my husbands childhood home that we recently bought because his parents had health issues and could not take care of it. Its a beautiful home and my kids are surrounded by loving family and cousins that are their own age and are their best friends.

That's just some background to explain all the reasons I have stayed. I will also add the my husband is my best friend and we get along fairly well but like many people on this forum - we've become room mates and carry a lot of past baggage.

My husband chats online. He's interested in the swinging lifestyle (though not sure he'd ever actually do it). He has over the years had emotional online affairs with women that I know. It's almost as if a girl pays him the slightest attention and he can't help himself. It happens over and over. Every time I used to search his phone I found SOMETHING that I didn't feel comfortable with. About 8 years ago he had an ongoing thing with a woman with a son at my daughter's preschool and met her with the kids a few times and actually did kiss her. Then he felt bad and wanted to work on things with me to save our family. 2 years ago I stopped even looking at his phone because I realized it hurts less and it easier to just not know. I know that is crazy but it was the only thing I hadn't tried.

Fast forward. Our sex life isn't great. I won't lie or not take some responsibility here. I needed to get over things and try to meet him halfway sexually and show him some love and affection. I THOUGHT I did this because I do love him and do a lot for him. I think I'm really nice to him and we don't fight much. I'm supportive. I take his feelings into account. He's hit hard times with his career and I have worked hard to take care of our family financially and been super supportive of him getting more complete feeling with his work. Our sex is great when we actually have it, too. It's just not that often. I don't know why but he wants me to embrace his online world and I'm just not that into it. Like he always says all he wanted was for me to join him and get into it. I tried some things in efforts to spice things up but he always pushed and pushed for more or critiqued what I was doing and it turned me away. It honestly stressed me out and gave me anxiety so I would eventually just go back to my old ways. PLus he just never shows interest or tries to stop chatting.

Anyhow its not been great. But we just had so much positive around us that it kept us. A few days back he said he thinks we should separate. We had a good talk about this and both admitted how much we did wrong along the way and feel as though now it's just too late for us to even fix it. We both felt that we've lost our emotional connection and just raise kids, pay bills, make dinner, etc. The whole love you but not in love with you talk.

I don't know if it's guilt or what but he is offering to have me stay in the house (I'm the one that can afford the mortgage at the moment), leave the kids here with me (I probably do the most caring for them day to day), doesn't want to go for a custody agreement of any kind. He just wants to be able to come and go to see them - which is fine since I'll need help with the house and projects around here too. He says he'll get an apartment and just wants a chance to be happy in the second half of his life. Thinks he can find a female that fulfills those sexual needs and gives him more attention and desires him. Wants to see if I can do the same although I'm not interested in dating any time soon if ever. 

So here is my question. Does anyone have an example or think it is possible to split up from a place of understanding each other, not fighting, and just doing it in a healthy way. Remain friendly enough to co-parent, and not make this situation incredibly difficult for our kids. Am I just totally naive here that this can be painful but without a ton of conflict or damage to our kids? I am feeling hopeful right now that I can put these things aside, let him go, and maintain my relationships with his family, stay in this house, and keep my kids from feeling devastated while actually allowing him to have a healthy relationship with those things too. Can this be done without drama, fighting, lawyers, and damage?


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

lol how nice of him. He's allowing you to stay in the house! What a swell guy. Oh, he can't afford it? Doh! How convenient.

Oh, he wants to allow you to have the kids as well? This guy is just too nice. Wants to come and go as he pleases with no real responsibility? Gee, he shouldn't have.

You need to file divorce ASAP. This guy has cheated on you multiple times in the past and it sounds like he's cheating now. Sure, you can split amicably and co parent with no issues, but you need to get some financial support from this clown. You deserve much better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@cdjy1234 It's possible your husband didn't have sex with another woman. Possible, but not likely. Therefore you need STD tests just in case. (It'll also send a message to him as to what his dreadful behaviour has caused.

Lawyer up. Have free initial appointments with several of the best divorce lawyers in the area and choose the best one. Oh. Might this block your husband from using those lawyers? That would be a pity.


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Thanks for advice. My real question is whether everyone enters into this separation stage thinking - oh we'll be different, only to end up bitter and arguing over money, kids, property. We are both pretty even headed and nonconfrontational so I really hope we can approach this day by day and make decisions like that. We actually have a lot of love for each other too. Even still. We've put our kids before our own needs for a long time now so I don't see why we can't continue to put them first in these decisions as well. We've just both messed up too much. I just want us to be happier this way if we are going to do it but seems like all of my friends that are divorced end up barely tolerating each other and fighting over everything when it comes to their kids. I don't need money from him and he won't take money from me. Just wondering what everyone's experiences are.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

cdjy1234 said:


> My real question is whether everyone enters into this separation stage thinking - oh we'll be different, only to end up bitter and arguing over money, kids, property.


IME, usually that's how it goes. You absolutely have some good things going for you. What amount in child support will he be paying or will a judge decide that? Does he contribute health insurance for the kids?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I know it wasn't your question, but I'm thinking of the kind of woman he'll be able to find to have sex with, given his future circumstances, and it does not look rosy.


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

nekonamida said:


> IME, usually that's how it goes. You absolutely have some good things going for you. What amount in child support will he be paying or will a judge decide that? Does he contribute health insurance for the kids?


Neither. I have the insurance and pay the majority of our bills now. I have a really great job. Thankful! I really don't want anything from him financially and I already know he'd be too proud to ask me for money for himself. He would not take me to court for any of that. We have no debt besides our mortgage to argue over either. He has business debt that he will handle, and I would pay our mortgage and continue to live here. I don't foresee much fighting over money and who gets what. We seem to agree on all of that.


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I know it wasn't your question, but I'm thinking of the kind of woman he'll be able to find to have sex with, given his future circumstances, and it does not look rosy.


Hahaha. I've thought of that. You mean a woman who is dying to swing with him, lives in his modest apartment, and pays for them to go out on dates? And also juggle his devotion to his 3 kids, family, and his probable porn addiction (which he thinks will go away with this new woman's interest in him and his penis)? You'd be surprised how many women he has found online that are interested in just running around with him behind my back or want him to leave me and the kids to be with them. He is an attractive 44 year old that comes off as a really nice guy. Actually - I feel like our conflict will come from him trying to get serious with this kind of woman and bringing her around my kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How do you think his family will react when you all live so near each other and you stay in what was their family home? What is he going to tell them about the marriage ending?


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> How do you think his family will react when you all live so near each other and you stay in what was their family home? What is he going to tell them about the marriage ending?


 That's a big wild card. He's extremely close with them. He SAID when we talked about this that he would talk to them and explain that its on good terms, we will remain friends and a family for our kids so they should feel the same and not feel bad towards me in any way. That I have done nothing wrong. That we aren't fighting so there is no reason for them to take sides. HOWEVER, I'm in their family home without him. That IS a little weird for them. But I'm also bringing their grandchildren up in that home so I think they'd much rather see me here with the kids then sell the house and take the kids away from them. If anything, I think they will be mad at him as he is clearly the one leaving the situation and he'll clearly be the one to date first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cdjy1234 said:


> That's a big wild card. He's extremely close with them. He SAID when we talked about this that he would talk to them and explain that its on good terms, we will remain friends and a family for our kids so they should feel the same and not feel bad towards me in any way. That I have done nothing wrong. That we aren't fighting so there is no reason for them to take sides. HOWEVER, I'm in their family home without him. That IS a little weird for them. But I'm also bringing their grandchildren up in that home so I think they'd much rather see me here with the kids then sell the house and take the kids away from them. If anything, I think they will be mad at him as he is clearly the one leaving the situation and he'll clearly be the one to date first.


I do think he needs to be more honest about what he has done to cause the marriage to end.


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## Bluntguy (Aug 6, 2021)

Hello all, I’m new here and was scrolling through some of the posts and this one kinda caught my attention. Cdjy, you seem like a nice lady and I don’t want to sound to harsh but I still don’t think you understand the problem. But don’t worry it’s not just you, everyone seems to be piling on your husband minus a few. Personally I’ve been through a similar situation as a man like your husband and I can understand fully the frustration he carries. 99/100 times, the mans feelings are completely discounted, forgotten and basically disregarded, well because he’s a man and he shouldn’t have feelings right. Reading through your posts, you seem to really like your husband and enjoy his company. It seems like he’s a good family man and a good father to your children. It doesn’t sound like he puts on a false front and becomes mean and abusive behind closed doors. Financially, it seems like he works hard but has had a rough time making his business work. He doesn’t sound like this total loser that everyone is trying to paint him as to appease your thoughts because just a few days ago you were desperate to try anything. 
You seem to blame everything on sex!! I think you are completely wrong. I think sex is just a tool to reinforce the feelings you have for him. I think those feelings are much more easily revealed in other ways but it wasn’t ever happening. Being loved, being wanted, being thought of, having a connection that is just yours and his, and then of course sex are all things he craved I feel. Can I ask if you ever sent him a suggestive text, a hot picture, worn something an outfit that let him know you were thinking of him when you got dressed or was it just only business time when it was time and then carry on. Your husband wanted to feel validated (yes very self of him) but everyone does. Maybe he lost confidence in himself with his bad business deals, maybe he felt like he didn’t do it for you anymore or any number of things that he beat himself up internally making himself feel not good enough. Now enter the other people online, people with their own imperfections, free of judgment and willing to listen and just have conversations that aren’t about what time soccer practice ends. This excited him, someone else like him that wants thrill and just attention from someone. He felt he didn’t want to go through with actually physically cheating so he resorted to this because he still loves you and his family but the guy has needs. Yes men like sex…a lot!! Sidebar, I’m not sure why that’s so frowned on…but anyway. I’m kinda getting sidetracked now, but I do want to say watching porn to take care of business does not equal porn addiction. My guess is he didn’t watch as much porn as you think and was more interested in just the conversations with the people he met online. I know my opinions won’t be popular and I’m just trying to give you the other side…I hope my view might help youto understand his side more.
One more thing…do not stoop to the others on here by discounting what kind of woman he might find and what his life might be after you. I can assure you there will be a woman that gets him and will make him completely happy and it will not be sexual in nature at all. She will make him feel wanted, important and loved and that’s all he ever wanted. The sex is just the cherry on top (and I can assure you it will be amazing for him with those feelings backing it)✌🏼


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## Bluntguy (Aug 6, 2021)

cdjy1234 said:


> Hahaha. I've thought of that. You mean a woman who is dying to swing with him, lives in his modest apartment, and pays for them to go out on dates?
> Be very careful with this kind of thought hun. While he carries on with his life happily, you will be left behind sulking and lonely because she gives him the sexual things he wants and the emotional support he desperately needed. You will become bitter and your kids will distance themselves from you because of your constant negativity towards their father. You will blame him for all that’s wrong in your life but that seems it will be a continuation of how you view your marriage. I’m not picking on you, I just know from my own experience. He could live in a cardboard box but if he’s got the attention and the feeling of being loved he won’t give two ****s.


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## Lady Abandoned (10 mo ago)

cdjy1234 said:


> Hi everyone. I started on another thread a few days back but now I'm on the considering separation thread. I have been married now for almost 19 years, 3 kids ages 14, 12, and 10. I'm very close with my husbands family and they all live on the same street as I do. They are my closest friends. We live in my husbands childhood home that we recently bought because his parents had health issues and could not take care of it. Its a beautiful home and my kids are surrounded by loving family and cousins that are their own age and are their best friends.
> 
> That's just some background to explain all the reasons I have stayed. I will also add the my husband is my best friend and we get along fairly well but like many people on this forum - we've become room mates and carry a lot of past baggage.
> 
> ...


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## Lady Abandoned (10 mo ago)

I think you can if you choose to. If you're able to let go of any resentment and set boundaries for what you can and cannot deal with as exes that remain friends. Is it likely? Probably not but that's not to say it's impossible. 
As for the custody arrangements and legal documents concerning who gets what and what debt belongs to whom as well as child support payments etc... You need to protect not only you, but your children as well. He doesn't sound like a responsible trustworthy person and you need to get EVERYTHING in writing. Don't trust the intent of people who put themselves above you and your children. Especially when they have shown you who they really are.


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