# how do I move on. I'm lost



## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for a year and a half. I don't like to be yelled at and dont like to fight and my wife has a temper so she was always yelling at me. I just didnt talk because I don't know how to respond to that. so about 2 months ago she tell me that I need to change or she is leaving. I love her more than anything and dont want to lose her so I set up appointments for counseling because that is what she wanted. we went twice and I realized that I needed to talk to her to make things work. i started acting like I did when we were dating doing all the sweet things that I used to do that just got lost in everything. Every time I tried to talk to her though, she would just start yelling at me, even if I was just asking how her day went. She told me that she had a crush on a guy from work(whom she travels with for work) and she texts him about our private life and whenever I am trying to talk to her. She got back from work in another state on tuesday night and I picked her up with flowers. Then on thursday we had an appointment for counseling and she refused to go, so i went alone. he told me that I need to ask her what I can do to help her know what she wants. so I went home and tried to talk to her and she said she is done being married, her dad showed up about a half hour later to kick me out and change the locks. I love her more than anything and I realized by now that this is probably for the best and I want to move on and start a new happy life and take care of myself. but thinking about the guy from work is killing me. its holding me back. I wake up every morning and realize all this is real and it all starts over again. I know it will take time to get over all of this, but I can't keep starting this all over every day. I did everything I could to save the marriage but i still feel like I need to do something


I'm sorry this is kind of rambling on and on. my mind is just racing and i dont know what to do. please help me


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Barnot, 
I am sorry for what you are going through. It is hard knowing there is somebody else. Just remember you did everything you could, and this is ALL her. It is not you. She made a choice to disrespect you and you deserve much, much better. You will be okay. It gets better. Right now you are still in shock. It just takes time for it to all sink in. My advice is try not to be alone. You will just think about things over and over. Try to find a friend to hang out with or family to visit. Anything that will distract you and take your mind off of things. Nights are hardest, I find. I hope you do find a new happy life and take care of yourself. You deserve it.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Barnot, you are a sensitive soul, and don't let anyone steal that from you. You move on by doing what is best for you. Don't make anyone a priority when you are their option. You will find you peace and joy again soon, but you have to be ready to work on your own program. Study the 180 plan and put into action for yourself mainly. Who knows when your wife sees a new determined man maybe she will come back or let you come back. But protect yourself and what is yours at all times. Let go of any shame or embarassment you feel about the length of your marriage mine was about the same time. Just remember we are worthy of a good love and it will come again.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I guess i do need to try to distract myself more. I am living at my parents house sleeping on the floor in their office. they ask me to do things, but I just want to sit. I have no appetite so I haven't eaten anything for 2 days. I have not been going to work because I just cant focus or get anything done. I have another counseling appointment on the 2nd of september. I hope he will be able to help me.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks to both of you. At this point I cant see us ever getting back together. She hurt me too much and bringing her dad into it just made things worse for me. I will always love her though. and what is the 180 plan? I havent heard of it


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I am doing my very best to be nice because I think it will make things easier. so today I asked her when I could come to the house to pick up the rest of my stuff since her dad changed the locks the night she was done with me. He has no right to do that since I help pay for it so I should be able to go in, right?? Anyway, she text me back saying she wont talk to me and I need to stop talking to her. so I am planning on going to the police since legally they arent allowed to kick me out, so i can get the rest of my stuff. I dont want to get the police involved, but at this point i dont see anything else I can do and I need my things. I am staying calm but it seems like she is trying to make me mad or freak out or something. does anyone have any other ideas of what I can do?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Getting a police escort is a good idea. Why do they think she has the sole right to the house? If you help buy it, wth ??????????? Just remain cool and sensible about the situation. Enlist some legal advice pronto. Wishing the best and soon.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

First, stop paying. Second, get a lawyer. You be as nice as you need to be but get a lawyer. It sounds like she's not going to play nice. You need to be prepared.

I know this sounds harsh but let me tell you: My wife and I had gotten along well despite her leaving me. I helped her get on her feet and let her live her life. If she got into any serious situation I would help. When I finally filed for divorce, she got a lawyer and everything changed. All help I gave her, not just money, was thrown out the window.

As much as you think you can do this nicely, you can't. She will not only take advantage of it, she will count on it.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Her parents have been telling her to leave me for over a year. We talked alone for about 5 minutes the day after I was out and she was nice about it which made me feel better. she agreed to talk with about getting everything done, but with her dad in the picture it will be impossible. How she is flipping back and forth on everything makes things so much harder on me. I loved being married to her, but what I am going through now I wish we had never even met. I am just so thankful there are no kids to make it even harder


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes you for sure have a right to be in the home, but #1 get cops involved, get lawyer involved and keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times when with her. If the cops will not get involved then for sure bring a witness, even a lock smith would make a good witness.

Second do not engage her, stay away and do not confront her, right now you need to be as indifferent as possible towards her. Right now she is just a busness partner do not get emotional.

The things I have mentioned will prevent her from trumping up fake charges on you, so they are really important.

And by the way she is having an affair, get the proof and expose it to her father...expose it to everyone. She is rewriting history of the marriage and treating you like sh~t b/c it is easier for her sleep at night. She is blame shifting and makes you look like the bad guy so the guilt of her sleeping with anothey guy doesn't feel as bad.

I strongly suggest you get a lawyer, stop begging for your marriage and show her the confidence of a man that will succeed with out her. Crying in front of her is not attractive, confidence is. So no matter what, no weakness, no matter how weak you realy feel she must see a confident and changed man.

Again she is feeling some what guilty for the affair and is flippy between the feeling for you and the other man.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you. I will let you know what happens when I get in there.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Her father might not believe it even if you have proof. That is pretty common, parents being enablers of bad behavior. My mother-in-law is a minister and completely buries her head in the sand. The marriage counselor says her whole family's coping mechanism for life is first denial and then defensiveness. She told me that anything her daughter does is the will of God - WTF? Ditto on getting the attorney. Do it sooner rather than later. Do you have a joint account? Close it and take half the money out. If you take it all the courts will make you eventually make you give half back unless you and her work out other arrangements. Life insurance policies? Take her off as beneficiary. There's a lot of stuff you can do now before she serves you with papers. If you go crazy thought with the spending and hiding of assets and it goes to trial the courts will make you account for it. Protect yourself.


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