# Separation the Right Thing?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife is proposing an informal separation to keep us from fighting. She thinks if we spend some time apart, it will allow us to cool off. We will continue to see a counselor at least bi-weekly, if not weekly. She is looking at small apartments and would spend most of her time with the kids at our house - after the kids are off the bus and before I'm home from work.

My problem is that her leaving the house will do nothing to help re-establish trust between us. I've told her what I think she needs to do, but I don't think she wants to do the work.

She can't stay out until 1am anymore. She MUST cut off ALL contact with her EA "friend." HER Facebook account should become OUR facebook account. And be PATIENT - don't demand that I just give back trust or demand to know when I will trust again.

While her moving away will likely help us to calm down (good for the kids), I just don't see it helping us to move forward. And I know that some people on this board have found that a separation only provides the spouse a chance to get closer to their "friend."

Thoughts? Have therapy today - would love some advice.


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## jbels (Nov 9, 2009)

My personal experience being just like yours that separation almost always inevitably leads to divorce.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree with your thoughts on this...a separation will only make it easier for her to do as she wishes. What you are asking of her seems very reasonable & they are all geared toward rebuilding trust and moving the marriage forward. If she is not willing to do those things, she is sending a message that she is not ready to do the work your marriage requires.

If the reason behind a separation is to prevent fighting...why not put some ground rules into place as far as discussing relationship issues...only at certain times, etc. not in front of the kids...if that is what you are fighting about....or is it just fighting in general due to all of the frustration?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

And who will be paying for her apartment?

Tell her to do what she must do in order to heal the relationship - but not on your dime.

I paid for everything - believing it was the right thing to do, and that she would appreciate the gesture. I moved out, paid for my own apartment. Continued to pay all the bills. Paid the mortgage. Paid for the cars. Nothing changed.

Our therapist summed up our decision to separate in perfect terms: "You need to work on your communication. You can't do that if you aren't together. Understand that separation for what it is, the first step towards divorce.

Neither your wife's head, nor her heart is INVESTED in repairing your relationship. She is simply looking for creative ways to separate from you, but still get what she needs in terms of financial support.

Just leave what she chooses to do, up to her. If she is in the mindset that my spouse had at the time - she will simply resist any suggestions that you make, even if they make perfect sense. She can make whatever choice she wants, but she is responsible for it.

She is still counting on YOU doing the work, both emotionally and financially. Where do you think you currently stand? Is this really a person you still want to be with?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I expressed my concerns in therapy, but in my immediate/real world I seem to be in the minority. So, my wife will be going by to visit an apartment prospect this afternoon.

Yes - I am the fool who will be paying for it, but I must admit that what she has chosen is very modest.

I'm tired of trying - by myself - to fix things. I feel like I'm trying to hug a porcupine. A rabid porcupine which has set itself on fire. And squeezing tighter has only caused me more pain.

Maybe after a couple of months apart I will know what her true intentions are. She will no longer be able to blame her lies on me. She'll no longer be able to say that I'm driving her away with my anger.

And if things don't improve, this should make my plan to keep the house and have primary custody of my kids a much easier battle.

I feel a bit nervous, but also a bit relieved. Bye bye porcupine. Good luck with those burn marks!!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The fighting and groundrules - we will continue to go to therapy and try to limit our correspondence to only things that NEED to be discussed and will try to do it primarily through e-mail.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There will be an initial feeling of peace. You won't feel that same pressure that was constantly present.

I cannot stress enough, simply because if you overlook it - it will cost you, trust me ... but make sure your attorney is informed of the arrangement. Once you set a financial precedent - it can be very hard to undo.

At one point I was giving my spouse more than $1000 extra per month to sustain the house and kids - and put my living expenses on a credit card. This was when I presumed we were 'working on our marriage'. She had TOM at the house 5 days after I moved out. She was getting $3300.00 a month, with no obligation to increase her income, all while continuing to lie, and pursuing someone else.

I absolutely understand wanting to be decent, and hoping that your spouse will come to their senses - but there is a tipping point, and my feeling is that although you may not realize it yet, you have already crossed it. She isn't going to use the apartment for self-reflection. 

Be selfish. Think in terms of you, not in terms of 'us'.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I no id like to no the same thing and here a hole lot more on this topic cause i have been told by many many people women heal faster and tend to realize what they miss when they are apart like this and my wife has a lot of resentment and anger and disapointment in me from losing myself in a online game for the last 2 years really badly i sence got rid of the game and i am normal again but with a larger grasp of understanding and more comitted to a family life something i wasnt doing when i was in the game and right now she says she wants space yet she says we are done and she is filing for a divorce and going through with it yet she still keeps flowers and stuff like that i send her on display and suddenly she is talking more to me now that i have backed off yet somehow i feel like you i dont think its going to help us work things out and i would like to no more on these issues with why everyone says to give her time and space to think and even miss me when being apart makes it seem more like she is growing apart and trying to dissolve any emotional bonds to each other, ??????? thoughts plz!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

beninneed - I don't really understand it either, but enough people are telling me its "reasonable" or that "it can't make things worse", so I'm going to try.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

again i dont either this is the first place where most say it doesnt help to be seperated when the women or man wants space or time to think or what ever in my case im not even sure where she stands most the time no more and wish i did , but again id like to hear both point of views on this topic and not many replies to you subject at hand i hope more people add some insight from both perspectives


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