# I just make things worse and worse



## Lynn2011 (Sep 19, 2011)

I am married and am in my thirties. I have two sons and my husband is 4 years older than me. We have been married ten years. When we were dating things were great and we would go do a lot of activities. I love getting out and doing things. I play on a co-ed sports team and when I am at home I like to laugh and sing and play video games with my boys. I am sort of a gamer girl and I also play a little Warcraft at night. My husband used to join me on these things but after we got married, he stopped being affectionate or spending time with me. He just likes to be with his friends and have a beer and talk. Or be with me and talk. Or be with his family and talk. Talk talk talk. He stopped being active and exercising and started putting on weight. Sometimes I feel like I am 20 at heart and he is 70.

I am no supermodel but I am in good shape and the men on the teams hit on me all the time. I am good at turning them all down but I don't understand why my husband will not be attracted to me like they are. I wish he'd come to my games and claim me and put his arm around me and play with me. I told him all this bothered me and I tried to be super nice and told him we could have tons of sex if i felt more attractive and attracted to him. But he did not exercise with me or anything and would just say to me in bed when I'm asleep "lets have sex" and wake me up. So now I don't want to have sex with him any more. We have not had any real sex for about four years. And he is mad at me because I am not attracted to him but he will not do anything to fix it. He just likes having me at home so he can go out and talk talk talk. He wanted me to go to a concilor so we did but it's all my fault because I don't have sex with him and the therapist says he is the way he is and is a family guy and I need to be ok with that.

About two years ago I met someone on Warcraft and he was very nice and friendly. I am so used to everyone hitting on me there but he was just friends and we got close. Then I cried and told my husband but my husband just said to go be with him if I got something from him. I do not understand why he did that but I was so lonely so we started playing more and got too close. I feel like I am not being faithful but I have never met him so my husband thinks it is fine unless we have sex and then he wants to know so he can wear a condom if we have sex. I think he is happy that I play so much now because now he doesn't have to think about me any more.

This was all good I guess but something is changing and not having sex is not good enough any more. I am worth more than that. Now I want to meet my friend in the game for real. He does not want to meet me. I have tried for over a year but he keeps saying it is not right, but finally I convinced him to meet me just as a friend. But I am worried that I will want more so I can't meet him. And this seems so wrong and so unfair. I just want someone to want to be with me and not pawn me off to someone else. But I have kids so I can't get a divorce. Everything feels so hopeless and I feel like everything I do just makes it worse. I wish I knew what to do thanks for reading.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your children do not need to see an unhappy marriage. Don't use them as an excuse. Your husband knows that you won't leave because of them, which is why he plays the divorce card.

Why are you so interested in a man who doesn't want to meet? It is quite obvious that you want to be more than friends; he has integrity and he doesn't want to meet a married woman.

Spouses should still try to keep themselves attractive for each other. That said, it can be hard to find the time for exercise. How much weight did your husband gain? At least he wants to spend time with his family, some husbands will not even do that.

My husband and I have both gained some weight since we married. He discussed it with me once and said that we are happy and content with each other, which explains the weight gain. Thankfully, we both find each other sexy. I hate to exercise because it is too painful. I enjoy walking and yoga. 

Find another counselor and be honest about your feelings in couple's therapy. You deserve to feel loved and enjoy sex in your marriage, just like your husband. Shop around for counselors until you find one that both of you are comfortable with. 

A trial separation might be in order if your husband is not willing to work on issues with you.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

So..i dont know if im tracking correctly..but, your basically saying your not sexually attracted to your husband because he gained weight, and is now living a sedentary lifestyle..and he dosent really show much interest when you talk about how men give you attention. 

I mean, I understand where your coming from to a certain degree, who wants to have sex with someone they arent attracted to sexually? I dont think many people would. But I dont think meeting someone you met on Warcraft is the answer to your problem. 

If your husband dosent want to exercise, change the eating habits in your house, for the family as a whole. Thats a start. 

I really dont think its fair to blame lame sex on one person. You can easily fix that. I dont want to cross any lines here, so if you want to know what I mean by that..let me know, and Ill tell you. 

Goodluck! I really feel like theres alot you can do and try to save your marriage before you call it quits!!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I disagree with the trial seperation. Only 10% of seperations return to marriage. Sounds like there have been games played here which is never good in a mature marriage. I would recommend a MC or following something like Mort Fertels Marriage Fitness. Following guidelines and not emotions can only set you on the right path.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop playing online games they are a huge waste of your life.

Stop talking with guys you meet in them. Common, you don't like how heavy hubby is. Wanna guess what a lardo the WW player is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lynn2011 said:


> Everything feels so hopeless and I feel like everything I do just makes it worse. I wish I knew what to do thanks for reading.


I understand how you feel. I went/going through the same, except instead of the talking, it was my H's career. It, in essence, was a bait and switch and that's not playing fair ball. I do realize that becoming a family changes the dynamic, but that shouldn't intercede the dynamic of the marriage. It is not uncommon for some spouses to exhibit behaviours, that are not naturally part of them, to woo the mate during courtship just to 'nab the wife or husband', and then once married, they seem to think its ok or safe to let their true colors through. 

In essence what you have described is emotional/spiritual abandonment by your H. Some H's get so sedentary and assume that after the courtship, and get a wedding band on your finger, they develop a false sense of security and think that they don't have to pay attention or do what they did before marriage to attract you. He no longer feels the need to engage with you on a emotional level. For most women, sexual attraction is based upon solid emotional connectivity. Hence when husbands disengage emotionally, the wife doesn't want sex. 

You are looking to fill that emotional void that has developed.. you are an outgoing extrovert social creature. Hence the socializing on Warcraft, continuing with team sports, etc. You would most prefer to have your husband fill this void. Express to him, in a calm, openly and honestly in love, of your need to have this emotional connectivity. Give him concrete things he could do to fill this void. Ask him to be honest with you if he is willing and freely wanting to do these things... It could very well be that he is incapable to do these either be believes it doesn't have the same value as you do or he lacks the confidence to fulfill them. Discussions with a good therapist will be able to determine the best course of action. 

As to the social setting of body language of 'spousal claiming', my H doesn't understand this either. We went out saturday night to a small neighbourhood pub... I asked him to watch the body language of couple. Watch what each couple would do when an apparent single of either gender came near or approached for conversation. If a strange male came close, the man would make a body gesture of arm around the womans shoulder, hold her hand, move closer to his woman. And if a strange female came near, the woman would have a direct and concentrated gaze to the strange female, her hand would move to rest on his thigh, and if standing she would move position to stand more infront, to stand inbetween the strange female and her man. When a spouse does not non-verbally 'claim' the other spouse, s/he feels that the spouse does not value or care for him/her or does not have the self-confidence to defend a potential bond threat.

I believe you should seek a different therapist. Any therapist that says, he is what he is, and just suck it up is not being very fair or thorough. Personalities of both spouses need to be assessed to determine what is a trait, and what is a behaviour and then explore if it can be changed, and if it can, will the spouse be willing to change.

In no way do you have to 'suck it up' and be emotionally unfulfilled because your husband has become a 'family guy'.


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## naomi105813 (Oct 7, 2011)

Don't worry about other things,there is love between you ,that' all.


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## Lynn2011 (Sep 19, 2011)

I am trying to figure out what the therapist is saying to me that people love in different ways and that i need to accept that. But it is not really fair because I am a pretty sexual girl and I have a pretty good idea how to treat a man right but I need to feel that attraction. And yes I think the emotional stuff is important, I wasn't thinking of it like that but yes. I am tired of him telling me I'm high maintenance because i want things too.

My husband is a good man and he has a million friends and he is constantly doing work for them and for me, he works full time and when he comes home he is good with the kids and cleans. Most nights he does not stop finding chores to do until about ten at night and then he is too tired to do anything. He's happy to watch tv or have me get him off but anything more than that is either a no go or he's so tired it's boring and feels old and boring.

I really do love him and he is my friend more than anything else. I hate the guilt I feel. I see in his eyes that he sees I do not find him atractive any more. He says if I need something else to go see someone else. I decided to call him on it and told him I was flying out to see my friend from the game and he said it was ok. And who does that?? Is it really so hard to take care of yourself a little bit and help me have an orgasm too or am I so worthless that you'd rather me find another guy on the side. I always feel proud when I'm in a relationship to turn other guys down because I feel like I'm proving to my husband he's enough for me but that is backfiring because I feel like I'm just depriving myself. 

And I do feel abandoned in many ways, we used to love to go down on each other but once we married he stopped and told me that once people get married there is no more oral sex and that it is immature and he's surprised I didn't grow out of it. I did not get that memo and I'm frustrated and of course I'm supposed to still keep the bjs flowing. (sorry if tmi) But at least since I told him about the guy I'm going to visit he has started showering on the weekends again for me but then he makes a move on me and I still feel grossed out. I know he's attractive and yet I can't convince myself to loosen up any more and he doesn't understand that. The minute he makes any move on me i feel like its going to be all about him and I don't want to. But at the same time I'm not being very loving if I can't so I'm stuck. I hate feeling like this. Can the good feelings ever come back because i am tired of feeling so repulsed at this idea. I try to tell him I need something more and don't just roll over and say "lets screw", but I need something deeper even before sex pops up. It is like the thought of sex with a new guy is exciting because of the blank slate and mystery - all I have with my husband is years worth of baggage and hurt and feeling worthless. Help and thank you.

And PS I am not so upset at my husband's weight as I am that he doesn't try once I said it bothered me. He is handsome in his own way. It's just the pattern of "Come play with me please" "no", "Help me feel good" "no", "Please lose weight" "no", etc. No no no. Argh. I know my friend on line is representing an alternative and not the real thing but it is not fair to call him a lardo please.


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## Lynn2011 (Sep 19, 2011)

And also he will not see a different therapist or go to therapy on his own. It has to be this one. The therapist will throw out ideas that he is depressed or less emotionally intelligence or other things and he will come home and say the therapy was great except for the part about me and the depression. He likes when the therapist tells me to accept him but he does not like when the therapist tells him was to make things better for me. He says he does not want to excercise because he will be too tired. 
He says he is worried my friend will steal me away from him but he won't claim me either and this makes no sense.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

So you seem to be glossing over what the therapist said - that you need to accept your husband as he is. Isn't that what everyone wants in a marriage?

You seem really insecure and immature. You say and do all these hurtful things to your husband and then don't understand why he has no motivation to get in shape and do more things to make you happy. What if your husband said you were too fat, that he found you boring, that he had to turn down women all the time? How would you feel if he told you he has been having an emotional affair with another woman and is flying out to meet her? Would that make you want him more? Doubtful. You would be hurt, your trust would be broken, and you would want to do what you could to protect yourself. That is what your husband is doing, it seems.

Your fantasy Warcraft boyfriend is just that - a fantasy. He is a figment of your imagination and you have projected on him everything you think you want in a man.

You are the one who needs therapy. You don't seem to like yourself and need external validation to be happy. This is a recipe for unhappiness. You are dissatisfied with yourself and it seems like you are blaming your husband for all your problems.

How about trying to get off the computer/video games and trying to reconnect with your husband? You can't do that while you are investing your time with some anonymous guy online. Start a hobby with your husband or do something where you are spending time together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Say what? Your therapist is a crock of sh&t. You deserve a husband who wants you and cherishes you - NOT someone who says 'oh, you got a guy on the side? go ahead.'

If I were you, I would move out and file for separation. If your husband really loves you, he will step up. If he makes no move, you'll know that he married you for convenience, and you're better off knowing NOW.

That said, your 'boyfriend' is also a crock. Do not lower yourself to the ditches by chasing after that guy; that's disgusting and humiliating.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lynn2011 said:


> And also he will not see a different therapist or go to therapy on his own. It has to be this one. The therapist will throw out ideas that he is depressed or less emotionally intelligence or other things and he will come home and say the therapy was great except for the part about me and the depression. He likes when the therapist tells me to accept him but he does not like when the therapist tells him was to make things better for me. He says he does not want to excercise because he will be too tired.
> He says he is worried my friend will steal me away from him but he won't claim me either and this makes no sense.


Time to change therapists!! That's nonsense. 

When a couple discovers their love language... thats for the other spouse to get attuned and pay attention to.. for EACH OTHER! 

Of course we all have to come to terms with some of the quirks and habits of our spouses, but its not when it comes to serious effect the other spouse... there has to be some comprimise and consideration to the other.

If he doesn't claim you, then he doesn't value you, if he doesn't value you, then time to move on to someone who does!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> And I do feel abandoned in many ways, we used to love to go down on each other but once we married he stopped and told me that once people get married there is no more oral sex and that it is immature and he's surprised I didn't grow out of it. I did not get that memo and I'm frustrated and of course I'm supposed to still keep the bjs flowing.


Wow... surprised you can put up with this really!
I think it's about time you stand up for yourself really, you're too nice and he's walking all over you.


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