# Is it just me...



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

... Or is this wildly inappropriate?

Divorced since July. ExH left me for another woman. She now lives with him across town - she just moved from another state to be with him one month ago.

DS13, who only met her once prior, just spent a long weekend with them while I was out of state for my niece's wedding.

Get home tonight and find she has baked a batch of clearly homemade chocolate chip cookies and sent those home with him. I found them sitting on the kitchen island in a nice Tupperware container.

I asked my son, just to be sure (could have been a neighbor girl - she's always baking and sometimes leaves stuff for us), where they came from. He says the OW's name.

I didn't say anything and neither did he.

Am I wrong to think she did that on purpose just to fvck with me? Or is she that obtuse that she can truly see no harm in sending a batch of cookies she baked to my house?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

It could be her playing with your head .... throw them out.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Obtuse cow, who does not want to acknowledge all the pain she helped created. So, now she has to win your son over. Holy f, some people have nerve. I would throw it all out. Sorry kid, these are no good for you, they will give you an upset tummy.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Toss em in the trash...where they belong with your ex and his mistress...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Believe me, my first instinct was to dump them in the trash, container and all.

But my ex, as he's apt to do, lectured me this morning on the phone about my not feeding DS enough to the point that his "stomach has shrunk." I asked him what makes him think this, and he said, "Well, he's too thin, and yet he didn't seem to want to eat much this weekend."

(Gee, that wouldn't have anything to do with his being uncomfortable eating with his Dad and his girlfriend, would it?)

So now, if I throw away the cookies, I'm the Bad Guy for depriving my son.

Nicely played, B!tch.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Mr.68 likes to say that if someone hateful makes you a meal, all the hate ends up in the food. never eat it.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

Can't believe WS would allow his mistress to send cookies home with the kid. Am I just too nice??!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maybe let your son decide what to do with the cookies?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

sixbravebulls said:


> Can't believe WS would allow his mistress to send cookies home with the kid.


This would be surprising coming from a normal person, but I've long since ceased to be surprised by anything my ex does or says. I could write a book of all the mind-bogglingly insensitive things he's said to me over the past several months.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Believe me, my first instinct was to dump them in the trash, container and all.
> 
> But my ex, as he's apt to do, lectured me this morning on the phone about my not feeding DS enough to the point that his "stomach has shrunk." I asked him what makes him think this, and he said, "Well, he's too thin, and yet he didn't seem to want to eat much this weekend."
> 
> ...



When I read your first post I figured it was just her trying to suck up to your son while messing with you a bit. BUT after reading what your @ss hat Ex the Fat Shamer had to say, I would be livid. Especially since it is "just cookies" so if you say anything you look like a nutter and she knows it. 

You can't do anything about it so just breathe...and grab a glass of wine.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Well, to be a bit more diplomatic about it than my comrades here.....

What a fuggin' b!tch!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

She may actually really feel bad about the sitch meanwhile your ex has told her you two were over years ago etc. not saying shes a good person but no telling the lies he's told her. I think she might just be pitiful and genuinely cares about your son. Think how desperate and lonely she must have been to be w ur loser exh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Throw the cookies away, including the container. Anything to do with your husband and his gf is poison. Don't overthink things. Just do it. "Out of sight, out of mind". 

Don't allow your husband to lecture you. Hung up if he tries this "shaming you" strategy again. Don't let him get into your mind. Don't argue. Just tell him that you won't entertain any negative factors in your life. You certainly won't be entertaining him. Hang up when he gets into tirades.

Sorry about your bumpy road to recovery.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> ... Or is this wildly inappropriate?
> 
> Divorced since July. *ExH left me for another woman.* She now lives with him across town - she just moved from another state to be with him one month ago.
> 
> ...


You are asking if a woman who became involved with a married man, relocated to another state to be with him knowing that he just abandoned a wife and young son, is obtuse? Perhaps hold on to the cookies for a bit and enjoy them as you watch the drama unfold at your ex's place, it should be quite a show.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You should not be second guessing yourself at all on this one.

1. Politely tell your XH that in future under no circumstances does his ***** send anything to your house, it is your house and you do not want anything of hers in it. She has destroyed your lives and you will not have your face rubbed in it. What she does in her/his home for your son is not your business. Be firm. Send the tupperware back with a note to that effect. let her know you mean business.
2. The next time he tries to belittle you or talk down to you, tell him to STFU as he has lost the right to speak to you at all. If he cannot be polite then just hang up.
3. Tell your son that he can make his own mind up about the OW but you will not have your 'tainting' your life at all and he has to understand that, and he will.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Beans, 

Do you know if she knows you and your husband were still living as a married couple? Is it possible he told her he had already moved to your rental before the affair started? If he fooled her too that would explain why she would think cookies no big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> You are asking if a woman who became involved with a married man, relocated to another state to be with him knowing that he just abandoned a wife and young son, is obtuse? *Perhaps hold on to the cookies for a bit and enjoy them as you watch the drama unfold at your ex's place, it should be quite a show*.


LOL..let's hope so!!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Careful not to make your child the go-between in this, or feel like he's stuck in the middle. And let him decided if he wants the cookies (within your standard snack guidelines). Just saying, keep the kid out of the drama as much as possible. Drama will make everything harder on him.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

No, Dude, I don't know that. I do know that he told his "best friend" from HS that, and that I initiated the separation to boot, so I wouldn't put it past him.

I did ask him once if he told her that, or if she knowingly threw herself at a married man, and he looked me dead in the eye and said, "She knew I was married and you and I were still living together, yes. 

However, I also don't put it past him to throw her under the bus in order to save himself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Believe me, my first instinct was to dump them in the trash, container and all.
> 
> But my ex, as he's apt to do, lectured me this morning on the phone about my not feeding DS enough to the point that his "stomach has shrunk." I asked him what makes him think this, and he said, "Well, he's too thin, and yet he didn't seem to want to eat much this weekend."
> 
> ...


"I know you like 'em chubby these days, but he's your son, not your girlfriend.

Tell your skunt to keep her cookies where they f*cking belong."


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Nora, I do keep DS out of the drama. Always. I take great pains to do so, hence not saying a word to him when he told me where they came from.

That's why I come here to vent - he's the only family I have left in this town, and I'll never vent to him about this.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I agree he's the major snake in the grass and the one whom you have vows with so for now, let's assume she actually cares about ur son. She may be somewhat innocent. I don't think women would risk Tupperware w the ex wife if they thought there was animosity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

It might be she ends up on this forum with the rest of us some day once he runs around on her.(which are super high odds) he basically used her for courage to leave the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> I agree he's the major snake in the grass and the one whom you have vows with so for now, let's assume she actually cares about ur son.* She may be somewhat innocent. I don't think women would risk Tupperware w the ex wife if they thought there was animosity.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well NMB has a rather large puppy I think she could quite easily find something to send back in that nice Tupperware container>


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

What you don't know about women, Dude, is a lot.

I have two of several favorite Tupperware containers. I could easily sacrifice one out of spite. If I were so inclined.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Ooh, Kristin, I like the way you think.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Maybe it's just the gay dudes so fond of their Tupperware??! Hehe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I think she is trying to suck up to your son, and she doesn't give a care what you think. I would leave the cookies where they lay. If your son doesn't touch them in a day or so, toss them (container and all). I suspect if you just let them sit there, he won't touch them either. If he doesn't touch them, bake him his favorite cookies after you throw those away. If your exPOS ever brings it up, then and only then would I tell him no one wants her crap at YOUR house.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Well NMB has a rather large puppy I think she could quite easily find something to send back in that nice Tupperware container>


LOL. I'm suddenly reminded of that scene from "The Help".


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Ooh, Kristin, I like the way you think.



My mom taught me it is bad manners to return a dish or container empty>


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hmmmmm. It's time for me to bake someone a nice chocolate cake. She'll be amazed by its moistness.


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## tenpastone (Oct 7, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Obtuse cow, who does not want to acknowledge all the pain she helped created.


Hate to play devil's advocate, but that's a stretch. Since all that we know about her is that she moved out of state to be with a married man, it's more likely that she's just incredibly naive. 

No, like...grossly incompetent.

Like to the point of being barely functional.

Sure, it's possible she meant cause some pain with the cookies. It's also possible she has zero original thoughts at all and just likes to bake. And when in doubt, remember Hanlon's Razor: 

*Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.*


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Send the Tupperware back and put your ex's favorite treat in it.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think those pesky waywards planted a mole on this site just to see what really pisses off(hurts) the betrayed spouses. I think that Gus guy is the mole. Yeah he talks about waywards but I can tell his heart ain't in it. He's too smart for us, he is the wayward MOLE!!!!!! Busted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. I'm suddenly reminded of that scene from "The Help".


LOL....just gotta contribute to this....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b675xQ1X20


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> I think those pesky waywards planted a mole on this site just to see what really pisses off(hurts) the betrayed spouses. I think that Gus guy is the mole. Yeah he talks about waywards but I can tell his heart ain't in it. He's too smart for us, he is the wayward MOLE!!!!!! Busted


Oh no.

I've been outed.

I'm so mortified that I can't even "meh".


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

No wonder your staunch opposition to rookie about the waywards getting their own forum. You could have been recognized by a fellow ws. Now I get it. I knew a bs would never use the screen name Gus or say "butthurt". I reporting this to the Canadian co who houses these severs and having ur posing(posting) history extracted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> No wonder your staunch opposition to rookie about the waywards getting their own forum. You could have been recognized by a fellow ws. Now I get it. I knew a bs would never use the screen name Gus or say "butthurt". I reporting this to the Canadian co who houses these severs and having ur posing(posting) history extracted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL....is that the Rookie sock puppet speaking?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

3putt said:


> LOL....is that the Rookie sock puppet speaking?


Whatever 3inch nice user name too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> LOL....is that the Rookie sock puppet speaking?


Not unless Rookie has recently undergone a lobotomy.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Not unless Rookie has recently undergone a lobotomy.


How could we tell the difference?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Wow neat trick logging in under two usermames, I noticed 3inch has liked every post you've made. Hmmmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> Believe me, my first instinct was to dump them in the trash, container and all.
> 
> But my ex, as he's apt to do, lectured me this morning on the phone about my not feeding DS enough to the point that his "stomach has shrunk." I asked him what makes him think this, and he said, "Well, he's too thin, and yet he didn't seem to want to eat much this weekend."
> 
> ...


Bake some cookies yourself and disappear her cookies.


The next time your son goes over there, send him with 3 or 4 times the cookies the cookies she sent over... with the note that you did that since last time he was there he was not eating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

3putt said:


> How could we tell the difference?


Come on now. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit that Rookie is a pretty smart fella.

Dude, OTOH, might be a "fart smella".


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Come on now. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit that Rookie is a pretty smart fella.
> 
> Dude, OTOH, might be a "fart smella".


Okay


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Okay Gus/3inch!! Biposter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your son KNOW his dad left you two for her?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> Believe me, my first instinct was to dump them in the trash, container and all.
> 
> But my ex, as he's apt to do, lectured me this morning on the phone about my not feeding DS enough to the point that his "stomach has shrunk." I asked him what makes him think this, and he said, "Well, he's too thin, and yet he didn't seem to want to eat much this weekend."
> 
> ...



Now you need to channel your inner Conrad (great poster, no longer here).

The next time he starts in on another lecture. You cut him off and reply "i'm sorry you feel that way."

You don't engage. You know it gets nothing accomplished.

If he starts getting snarky or worse or if he acts you a direct question you don't want to answer, then say "I'm not comfortable with the direction of this conversation"
These two lines can save your sanity when dealing with an ex.

As for the cookies, MEH.
You are letting the skanky OW and your ex have too much space in your head. View the situation from 50,000 ft. They are cookies in tupperware. MEH

(And yes, she is skanky for knowingly getting involved with a married man).


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Can I just this once be inappropriate and a sexist pig here? Leave the cookies on their doorstep with a note that says; no thank you, I don't want to end up a fat cow like yourself and here are your cookies you can hand feed to your hypocritical fat shaming a$$hat!!!

Ok, I feel better!!! Let your son eat them, wash the container after you urinated in it and send back in a bag with your son. Put a note inside to please choose healthy foods for your son to eat. Yes, cookies are a treat, but I am raising him to eat healthy. This should shut down the Rachel Ray wanna be. 

Best of luck Nomorebeans, just think how lucky you are to say EX!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi

She is playing games in a very catty way. She called and asked, not in front of your son, if you wouldn't mind. Now if you want a guy's 4x4 advice I can help you out.

On the other hand you could send a birthday gift to her daughters. Something you bought at a flea market. Does she have grandchildren. After all we are all holding hands and sipping Kool aid.

Perhaps a simple a hug of son, dispose of the cookies, and the comment not approbrate honey.

Man the **** people pull. You and my sister could trade stories.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Tell her since she likes to bake, you need 12 dozen for your son's school. 

Bake my cookies!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, everyone. Love all these suggestions.

Yes, turnera, our son knows he left me for her. Since that was always his intention, I asked that he tell him that himself when we sat him down to tell him about the divorce. So, exH knows he knows, as well. If he were capable of any kind of sensitivity, I'd be surprised he'd go through with her sending those home with him. But he isn't, so I'm not.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think I'd email her directly, or send her a FB message (but then she'd know you see her FB which is a whole 'nother way she's trying to get at you) telling her you have no interest in having anything her hands have touched in your home so it's those homewrecking hands that participated in tearing a family apart. It is possible she hasn't heard the truth, and maybe now's the time......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is your son in therapy? Kids almost always get scared to tell the parent who dumped them how they really feel about them (and their girlfriends) because they're afraid the dumper will dump the kid even MORE. The therapist can help him see it's ok to tell his dad how he feels and why. Will help your son a lot in the long run.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> no interest in having anything her hands have touched in your home so it's those homewrecking hands that participated in tearing a family apart.


Uhhmmm doesn't her ex still come over???!! UGH!!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

turnera said:


> Is your son in therapy? Kids almost always get scared to tell the parent who dumped them how they really feel about them (and their girlfriends) because they're afraid the dumper will dump the kid even MORE. The therapist can help him see it's ok to tell his dad how he feels and why. Will help your son a lot in the long run.


Interesting. I didn't know that. Explains a lot with regard to my kids and their worship of their dad.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> ... Or is this wildly inappropriate?
> 
> Divorced since July. ExH left me for another woman. She now lives with him across town - she just moved from another state to be with him one month ago.
> 
> ...


I have not read any other replies yet, but I have read many of your other posts, and I really think you need to work on letting go and moving on. This is not healthy for you to still be so emotionally attached to him and the things surrounding him.

I think you need to work on a new frame of mind to one that is not instantly negative and defensive. The woman made cookies for crying out loud...to put it bluntly, don't flatter yourself so much as to think that she cares enough about you to make you cookies as a mind fvck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Interesting. I didn't know that. Explains a lot with regard to my kids and their worship of their dad.


Yep. And further, YOU, as the person who did NOT dump them, are the 'safe' parent, so they feel safe NOT respecting you or feel safe talking back to you, etc., because they don't expect you to leave them. It sucks in the moment, but in the long run, YOU are the one who will have their heart.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> I have not read any other replies yet, but I have read many of your other posts, and I really think you need to work on letting go and moving on. This is not healthy for you to still be so emotionally attached to him and the things surrounding him.
> 
> I think you need to work on a new frame of mind to one that is not instantly negative and defensive. The woman made cookies for crying out loud...to put it bluntly, don't flatter yourself so much as to think that she cares enough about you to make you cookies as a mind fvck.


My thoughts, too.

Again, as the dumpee, YOU feel a tug toward him since the control was taken out of your hands, whereas he has no emotions for you because he had already mentally let go of you when he sought out the OW.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

NMB. Make them a dozen sh!t sandwiches and have them delivered to POSXH apt

No note needed

55


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Something similar to this situation popped into my mind almost immediately. One of the weekends my son spent with my wife and I, they worked together to build a costume out of some boxes. Spent a few hours working on it, and had some fun. He wanted to take it back to his mothers house with him, and we let him. Within seconds of him walking through the door with it, it came flying back out into the front yard. I said absolutely nothing to my ex wife about what I thought of her behavior, but it hurt my wife very deeply. Unfortunately for my ex wife, it hurt my son very deeply too, though he never said a word to his mother either. He just filed it away as one more example of who his mother really is.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Sam, I have not said a word about this to my son or my ex, and have not gotten rid of the cookies. I have no intention of doing so.

I don't think she's going out of her way to eff with me - I just think it was insensitive and inappropriate of her and my ex to send a batch of a couple dozen cookies home with my son to my house when she just moved in with his Dad a month ago.

And I'm really tired of people telling me I need to get over it and move on. Of course I realize I need to do that. But doing that after 27 years together - more than half my life - is easier said than done.

Did you leave your ex-wife for your current one, and did your current wife make that costume with your child one month after moving in with you while not yet married to you? Even if all that's true, I'd say your ex over-reacted. But I wouldn't blame her in that case for feeling like doing what she did.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You can be angry if that is what you choose. And I'd understand why you choose it.

Cookies aren't worth getting angry over. They aren't a symbol. There is no 'intent', unless you choose to prescribe one.

One could just as easily interpret them as heartfelt and thoughtful. All a matter of where you are coming from.

You have no say in who your husband dates, sleeps with, or lives with. Consequently you have little to no say in who your son interacts with as a result of his father's relationships.

You may find my stating the above cold and insensitive. 

It isn't intended to be.

It simply ... is.

There will come a point where hopefully you have a different perspective.

Quite possibly even a very positive one in terms of how your ex's partner interacts with, or chooses to relate to your children.

Trust me on that.

You can choose to build walls, or to build bridges. Completely up to you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Sam, I have not said a word about this to my son or my ex, and have not gotten rid of the cookies. I have no intention of doing so.
> 
> I don't think she's going out of her way to eff with me - I just think it was insensitive and inappropriate of her and my ex to send a batch of a couple dozen cookies home with my son to my house when she just moved in with his Dad a month ago.
> 
> And I'm really tired of people telling me I need to get over it and move on. Of course I realize I need to do that. But doing that after 27 years together - more than half my life - is easier said than done.


I think you're handling it very well, and you're taking great care to put your child first in all this. There's nothing wrong in venting. If you're over-thinking or dwelling too much, then it's a problem. But venting here is probably the best place to do it.

Take as much time as you need to "get over it." You're unraveling a lifetime with a lot of hurt and disappointment at the end. It's a process, and you'll cycle through a lot of feelings repeatedly, but you'll make progress day by day. Just be confident that you will get over it - you might not be there now, but there will come a time when this kind of stuff won't bother you, truly.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, Nora. 

I welcome different perspectives, and it's helped me to see it from a different point of view in this thread.

I would rather my ex be involved with a woman who treats my son well than not, and this one seems to, so I have to get past hating her for willingly having an exit affair with my ex and be glad that she is at least trying to be nice to my son.

That said, just want to share something funny a co-worker said today when I told him about this: She puts the "ho" in "homemade".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Something similar to this situation *popped* into my mind almost immediately.


I read that wrong initially.

Much laughter ensued.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Thanks, Nora.
> 
> I welcome different perspectives, and it's helped me to see it from a different point of view in this thread.
> 
> ...


I read "ho-worker" (instead of "co-worker") somewhere for the first time last week and nearly died laughing.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Damn deejo, no choice and ynot just see the world so logical and have such a wise outlook. Emotion plays little to no part in their comments. I'm 80/20 logic/feelings, but their ratio just seems to rock along at like 95/5. Must be nice to just pay the bills and say f it in life. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Deejo said:


> You can choose to build walls, or to build bridges.


No reason she can't -- or shouldn't -- build both.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

GusPolinski said:


> No reason she can't -- or shouldn't -- build both.


Wurd.

I suppose my bottom line is, feed what makes you healthier.

Anger isn't a bad thing.

And overwhelming happiness isn't always a good thing.

Don't let your ex define who you are, or ... who you choose to be.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you, Gus. Have I told you lately...?

Why would I want to build a bridge between myself and a cheater who knowingly helped destroy my son's family? As JohnA would say, why don't we all just join hands and sing? Seriously, if she really thinks it's possible for us to actually be friends, she is more naive than I thought.

At the same time, I will not trash talk her or my ex to my son, ever.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Sam, I have not said a word about this to my son or my ex, and have not gotten rid of the cookies. I have no intention of doing so.
> 
> I don't think she's going out of her way to eff with me - I just think it was insensitive and inappropriate of her and my ex to send a batch of a couple dozen cookies home with my son to my house when she just moved in with his Dad a month ago.
> 
> ...


Get over it. She sent those for your son, who is also the son of your ex and the man she is with.

This is jealousy on your part, pure and simple. To Gus' point, you can build bridges or burn them, but *you risk looking poorly in the eyes of your son especially if he likes this woman, even for his fathers sake. 
Your son's good opinion is the only one I would care about.*

My exH GF sends things to us and vice-versa. It's called moving forward and being gracious, whatever the past hurts may have been.

I'm not insensitive to your feelings and pain, but this^ is the critical issue moving forward. I wish you peace.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Why would I want to build a bridge between myself and a cheater who knowingly helped destroy my son's family? As JohnA would say, why don't we all just join hands and sing? Seriously, if she really thinks it's possible for us to actually be friends, she is more naive than I thought.


I wish you well with this attitude. You will (continue) suffer for it moving forward unless you find in yourself a way to lay down your burdens.

Good luck.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Don't be shocked if exh tries to make you(NMB) his ow at some point. I still think he likes having you both cookies or not. Hes kinda cake eating still just not getting booty off u both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nomorebeans said:


> At the same time, I will not trash talk her or my ex to my son, ever.


That's the kind of bridge I'm talking about. Not the Cumbaya kind. Your attitude will benefit the well being of your son.

I'm just over 7 years out from D-day.

Six days ago I stood by quite amused as my ex and I were at my son's cross country meet, and we watched our significant others chatting one another up. Both of us content that we had subsequently partnered with good people, who were invested in each of us, and our children.

I know where you are at. And I know it sucks.

But it won't always suck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sapientia said:


> I wish you well with this attitude. You will (continue) suffer for it moving forward unless you find in yourself a way to lay down your burdens.
> 
> Good luck.


Come on. No one reaches a state of complete emotional detachment just because the judge has banged his gavel, and certainly not when the ex-WS is going out of his way to do -- whether himself or via his AP -- just about everything that he can to sabotage the ex-BS's recovery.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Deejo said:


> That's the kind of bridge I'm talking about. Not the Cumbaya kind. Your attitude will benefit the well being of your son.
> 
> I'm just over 7 years out from D-day.
> 
> ...


"Subsequently partnered"? As in your ex's current partner isn't the guy w/ whom she was cheating?

Either way, ^this^ is great, Deej.

_But it takes two._ And if either you or your ex were pulling the BS that NMB's ex has been pulling for some time now, you wouldn't be enjoying such an amicable relationship w/ your ex.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

That is correct. She has been with her current partner for just over 2 years.

Healthy people ... healthy relationships.

Wasn't always that way between my ex and I. It does indeed take two. 

Or at least one to set down the boundaries for what they will tolerate from the other.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Come on. No one reaches a state of complete emotional detachment just because the judge has banged his gavel, and certainly not when the ex-WS is going out of his way to do -- whether himself or via his AP -- just about everything that he can to sabotage the ex-BS's recovery.


This isn't about empathy for her situation. I already posted about that.

The question is how to move forward. What do you recommend for her to do instead to detach? Should she go over there and throw the cookies back in the homewreckers face, however short-term satisfying that might be? Throw them away and then have to answer her son's questions about what happened?

Yes, that will go over VERY well with her son... 

Noone likes it, Gus, but all of us who have been involved in a caustic breakup, particularly those with children, know the only way to find peace is to let go. Are the ex- and his new partner scum for what they did? Sure, okay, let's say they are. Does that help?

My coping mechanism was to believe in karma. So far, she's been right on schedule. The high road for me has been supremely satisfying, though it sucked in early days, for sure.

Looking back and ruminating never helped anyone. I'm with Deejo on this and seems to have worked well for his also.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sapientia said:


> This isn't about empathy for her situation. I already posted about that.
> 
> The question is how to move forward. What do you recommend for her to do instead to detach? Should she go over there and throw the cookies back in the homewreckers face, however short-term satisfying that might be? Throw them away and then have to answer her son's questions about what happened?
> 
> ...


Let's say that someone stabs you. And not just anyone, but a boyfriend/ex-BF/husband/ex-husband... someone w/ whom you'd been close, been intimate, etc. You could probably (eventually) forgive that, right?

What if he'd stabbed you more than once? How about then?

Better question... could you forgive him for stabbing you and then "move on" WHILE he was _still_ stabbing you?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Sorry, did I miss something here? Did her ex stab her?

Its a bizarre, extreme and (I hope) rare thing you describe, Gus, but yes, if that happened I suppose I would forgive him for my son's sake. I would never be alone with him, nor my son, but I wouldn't hate him for the rest of my life. I would be sad for him and grow indifferent eventually, I suppose.

People can generally choose to ignore the insensitive behaviour of others. Its a conscious choice, since clearly some people (myself, Deejo) are capable of it. One can hardly ignore a physical stabbing, so perhaps not the best hypothetical scenario? 

Of course, unless there was a really weird reason why this happened (someone drugged my ex?) there would never be any hope of him spending any quality time with our son. I still agree with Deejo for any of the standard divorce breakup scenarios.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Forgive? Please, she doesn't have to forgive squat to recover.

No one recovers from a nasty break up until you reach that magical "disengagement nirvana", until that time when the sound of their voice no longer makes you want to throw-up or the sight of a text/email or whatever no longer makes you want to throw your phone in the toilet. If NMB isn't on your timeline for recovery I say too damn bad. She is trying to maintain a bit of a sense of humor and this was one of the first interactions her son had with the OW. From what she says (and I believe her) she isn't moping around, she isn't stalking them, and she doesn't bad-mouth her horrible wretched ex to her child. Sure she needs to reinforce some boundaries, and guess what? She already knows that. Leave her be.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

sapientia said:


> I wish you well with this attitude. You will (continue) suffer for it moving forward unless you find in yourself a way to lay down your burdens.
> 
> Good luck.


NMB is still very early on in this journey she didn't put herself on. Give her some slack! This didn't happen 5 years ago.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Better question... could you forgive him for stabbing you and then "move on" WHILE he was _still_ stabbing you?


Excellent point!

Personally, I've been doing very, very well in the last several weeks and couple months, but in the last few days, some things have caused me to take a couple steps back. Triggers and what not, and being "stabbed" by my ex last night when he called me a "worthless piece of sh*t, fvcking c***, and fat a$$ because I asked him if I could have custody of the kids on all of my son's soccer days because he can't seem to get him to his practices (and sometimes games) when he has him. After the third slur I can't say I continued to take the high road. It's not always as easy as some people want to pretend it is.....when you have emotions involved. It would be easy for ME to say "Eh, NMB, you know you're better than her. Don't sweat it." But I have no emotional ties to her ex or this woman. I wouldn't be hurt by anything these two losers do, but I understand 100% why she would be. None of you here would be hurt by my ex's nasty words to me, but I am because this is my life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Excellent point!
> 
> Personally, I've been doing very, very well in the last several weeks and couple months, but in the last few days, some things have caused me to take a couple steps back. Triggers and what not, and being "stabbed" by my ex last night when he called me a "worthless piece of sh*t, fvcking c***, and fat a$$ because I asked him if I could have custody of the kids on all of my son's soccer days because he can't seem to get him to his practices (and sometimes games) when he has him. After the third slur I can't say I continued to take the high road. It's not always as easy as some people want to pretend it is.....when you have emotions involved. It would be easy for ME to say "Eh, NMB, you know you're better than her. Don't sweat it." But I have no emotional ties to her ex or this woman. I wouldn't be hurt by anything these two losers do, but I understand 100% why she would be. None of you here would be hurt by my ex's nasty words to me, but I am because this is my life.


IDK, I'd think this would give me even MORE reason to NOT take anything he says seriously. Anyone who can treat you that way truly is worthless and anything coming out of his mouth ridiculous.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Isn't forgiveness for the forgiver?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Isn't forgiveness for the forgiver?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, although it can also be for the offender. 

In the last year, and especially in therapy and being on TAM I've begun to change my understanding a bit and realize that as @Pluto2 said there can be recovery and detachment without forgiveness. 

And also, forgiveness does NOT equal reconciliation. Learned that one the hard way and now I'm back in recovery mode!  Not sure forgiveness will come this time around.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sapientia said:


> Sorry, did I miss something here? Did her ex stab her?
> 
> Its a bizarre, extreme and (I hope) rare thing you describe, Gus, but yes, if that happened I suppose I would forgive him for my son's sake. I would never be alone with him, nor my son, but I wouldn't hate him for the rest of my life. I would be sad for him and grow indifferent eventually, I suppose.
> 
> ...


My point is that it's difficult -- perhaps even impossible -- for someone to heal from a trauma that is STILL being inflicted upon them.

After all, any post-divorce relationship that exists between any two former spouses (if it's going to be amicable, anyway) HAS to be based on something more than one of them continuing to be an unrepentant dipsh*t and the other one taking it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you, Gus, STR, and Pluto.

For Fvck sake, how many times do I have to say it? I haven't said a fvcking word to my son about the cookies, other than to ask if the neighbor girl who likes to bake dropped them by. Except to offer him some later that night and yesterday after school when he said he was hungry.

Yes, I'm sorry my recovery from something I just found out about in February, and from the OW moving in with my ex 10 minutes away just a month ago doesn't meet some of your timetables.

Do you always sit on your high horses in judgment of other people you deem to be so inferior to yourselves in their ability to cope? To use one of your kind advisements, I hope that attitude serves you well. Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NMB , , you know there will be lots of opinions. You do what feels right to you. Everyone moves forward and heals in their own way, on their own timetables, they will have victories and setbacks. You are doing well, so do not take all of this too seriously, take from it what you want and discard the rest.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Just to be clear - I never used the term "forgive" (I don't think I did?). That was Gus interpreting my comment about letting go. I fully endorse that recovery is about disengagement as Pluto says or what I would call indifference.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans

I think Gus hit this spot on that trying to detach while still being hurt is relatively impossible. You can't move on while your still being inflicted with pain. So I will take a different approach then others here. If I were in your situation I would look at this as OW did this for your son. She made him cookies as she will now be in his life. Wrong? Yes, but its obvious she isn't intelligent enough to understand that making cookies is how you become liked. 

You become liked based on who and what you are. If OW had sat down with your son and communicated she would know what he likes and dislikes. She would also form a repoir with your son. My take on this OW is that she is shallow, low self esteem, and lacking confidence. 

Knowing that, I doubt it was an intentional slap to you, I think she just isn't smart enough to know that. In OW's mind she made cookies to become closer to your son. I don't think she is being malicious, she just used poor judgement. 

You are a far better person then them NMB, so just think of it as it was made for your son. Don't think anymore past that and I hope this works for you. Having a twenty seven year relationship end is difficult, that's a substantial amount of time. It doesn't end for you overnight, the pain can become overwhelming, and it can set you backwards. 

So I say to work on yourself, be a better you, and you will soon discover peace and happiness. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Thank you, Gus, STR, and Pluto.
> 
> For Fvck sake, how many times do I have to say it? I haven't said a fvcking word to my son about the cookies, other than to ask if the neighbor girl who likes to bake dropped them by. Except to offer him some later that night and yesterday after school when he said he was hungry.
> 
> ...


No one on this forum judges!!! /sarc off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, drifting on and others who've had the same take. I think you're right - she is just trying to win my son over, and that's the best way she knows how, because she's not very bright (I've seen her texts - she writes for a living, and yet her spelling and grammar are atrocious).

It does help to see it from that perspective and to just be glad that at least she's trying to be nice to my son.

Funny thing - my stepmother loved to cook - it was her favorite thing - but she knew better than to send food or treats home with me to my mother's house. I remember her once explaining to me when I was 10 or 11 why it wouldn't be right for me to take home a pie she'd made for one of my visits with my Dad and her because it might hurt my Mom's feelings. And my stepmother was a monster. But a smart one.

It's hard to accept that my ex is in love with such a dummy, but that's his problem. I don't need to make it mine.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Thanks, drifting on and others who've had the same take. I think you're right - she is just trying to win my son over, and that's the best way she knows how, because she's not very bright (I've seen her texts - she writes for a living, and yet her spelling and grammar are atrocious).
> 
> It does help to see it from that perspective and to just be glad that at least she's trying to be nice to my son.
> 
> ...


My ex's woman would never do this. 

A ziploc bag full of maybe 5 or 6 cookies leftover from her baking cookies the night before? Fine. But sending 2 dozen home with him? It's just bizarre in my opinion. But, as you said, she's not very bright.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My ex's woman would never do this.
> 
> A ziploc bag full of maybe 5 or 6 cookies leftover from her baking cookies the night before? Fine. But sending 2 dozen home with him? It's just bizarre in my opinion. But, as you said, she's not very bright.


 I have such a sweet tooth, I'd eat all the cookies myself, lol. I never turn away cookies!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Who bakes anymore anyway in the USA? Seriously
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My ex's woman would never do this.
> 
> A ziploc bag full of maybe 5 or 6 cookies leftover from her baking cookies the night before? Fine. But sending 2 dozen home with him? It's just bizarre in my opinion. But, as you said, she's not very bright.



Or maybe she is more devious than we are giving her credit for. Her Ex is a Fat Shamer and the AP/OW is obese, NMB is a healthy weight and lost weight on the "divorce diet"...Her Ex has repeatedly complimented her on this. It isn't too much of a stretch after reading about this jerk to think he has made comments about this in front of the OW, she probably wants to fatten NMB up. 

In all seriousness, anything that she does right now is going to leave you questioning her motives given the situation.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Right - that's what's weird - there were soooooo many of them. Hence why I wondered if maybe the neighbor made them for both of us and was surprised to find out it was here. I wouldn't have thought much of it at all if it was just a handful that were clearly for him.

Does she really think I'd eat anything she made at this point in the proceedings? Did she think she was extending an olive branch of sort? Is that all it takes to make it up to someone, in her world, whose husband you've stolen and whose world you've blown up? 

Screw the cookies. Give me a million dollars, and maybe I'll consider forgiving you.

(That was a joke, to those of you here who are incapable of understanding metaphor.)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Right - that's what's weird - there were soooooo many of them. Hence why I wondered if maybe the neighbor made them for both of us and was surprised to find out it was here. I wouldn't have thought much of it at all if it was just a handful that were clearly for him.
> 
> Does she really think I'd eat anything she made at this point in the proceedings? *Did she think she was extending an olive branch of sort? Is that all it takes to make it up to someone, in her world, whose husband you've stolen and whose world you've blown up? *
> 
> ...


Yes, I think so. 

Do you have any "plans" to meet her any time in the near future? (And I don't mean willingly, I mean something that can't be avoided)


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Or maybe she is more devious than we are giving her credit for. Her Ex is a Fat Shamer and the AP/OW is obese, NMB is a healthy weight and lost weight on the "divorce diet"...Her Ex has repeatedly complimented her on this. It isn't too much of a stretch after reading about this jerk to think he has made comments about this in front of the OW, she probably wants to fatten NMB up.
> 
> In all seriousness, anything that she does right now is going to leave you questioning her motives given the situation.


If she's obese, she might like cookies a lot and bakes a lot. 

There's always another perspective to consider. I like to consider the more healthy ones, because thinking about the crappy ones just makes ME down. I'd rather think she just likes baking cookies a LOT and that's how she got fat.

That's one way to get to the other side. Rewrite the script so you can laugh at it. There are other coping mechanisms, too.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Also, NMB, did you text your ex at all about it? If not, I'm bowing down and worshiping you. I have way too much of a temper and would have been texting him something not-so-nice immediately. (I'm not proud of that, just being honest!)


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

norajane said:


> If she's obese, she might like cookies a lot and bakes a lot.
> 
> There's always another perspective to consider. I like to consider the more healthy ones, because thinking about the crappy ones just makes ME down. I'd rather think she just likes baking cookies a LOT and that's how she got fat.
> 
> *That's one way to get to the other side. Rewrite the script so you can laugh at it. There are other coping mechanisms, too*.



That is the way I deal with everything, laugh at it. When that doesn't work there is always Vodka>


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

STR (sorry - can't quote on my phone) - no, there is nothing coming up that I'm aware of where I'll be forced to meet her.

And no, I haven't said or texted my ex a word about it. I noticed them in the kitchen after he'd dropped him off from his house, which he did before I got home.

He's since called me twice to talk about DS's grades and school stuff and such, and I haven't mentioned them. Not a word. If he had brought them up, I can't guarantee I wouldn't have said something, but my goal was to give him zero ammunition for thinking I'm being unreasonable about something she did "to be nice."


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> STR (sorry - can't quote on my phone) - no, there is nothing coming up that I'm aware of where I'll be forced to meet her.
> 
> And no, I haven't said or texted my ex a word about it. I noticed them in the kitchen after he'd dropped him off from his house, which he did before I got home.
> 
> He's since called me twice to talk about DS's grades and school stuff and such, and I haven't mentioned them. Not a word. If he had brought them up, I can't guarantee I wouldn't have said something, but my goal was to give him zero ammunition for thinking I'm being unreasonable about something she did "to be nice."


YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN I AM!!!! Good for you. :x


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Thanks, drifting on and others who've had the same take. I think you're right - she is just trying to win my son over, and that's the best way she knows how, because she's not very bright (I've seen her texts - she writes for a living, and yet her spelling and grammar are atrocious).
> 
> It does help to see it from that perspective and to just be glad that at least she's trying to be nice to my son.





Nomorebeans said:


> Right - that's what's weird - there were soooooo many of them. Hence why I wondered if maybe the neighbor made them for both of us and was surprised to find out it was here. I wouldn't have thought much of it at all if it was just a handful that were clearly for him.
> 
> Does she really think I'd eat anything she made at this point in the proceedings? Did she think she was extending an olive branch of sort? Is that all it takes to make it up to someone, in her world, whose husband you've stolen and whose world you've blown up?
> 
> ...


Yep, I think you have it right there. She's trying to buy your son's approval. Possibly yours as well, but definitely his.

She's just a woman with no sense of appropriate boundaries. You already knew that.

Personally, I WOULD tell your son (because of his age) that the cookies are an inappropriate gift because it's hurtful to you, to help him learn what appropriate boundaries are, and also teach him what bribery is and that it should be avoided.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Yep, I think you have it right there. She's trying to buy your son's approval. Possibly yours as well, but definitely his.
> 
> She's just a woman with no sense of appropriate boundaries. You already knew that.
> 
> Personally, I WOULD tell your son (because of his age) that the cookies are an inappropriate gift because it's hurtful to you, to help him learn what appropriate boundaries are, and also teach him what bribery is and that it should be avoided.


I think he knows. I asked him if he wanted any of them again tonight, and he goes, "No, I don't, really. You can take them to work or throw them away if you want." So I threw them away. Even though I did it quietly and undramatically, MAN, that felt good. Right up there with deleting my ex's planned WWII documentary recordings from the DVR. Maybe a little better than that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I think he knows. *I asked him if he wanted any of them again tonight, and he goes, "No, I don't, really. You can take them to work or throw them away if you want."* So I threw them away. Even though I did it quietly and undramatically, MAN, that felt good. Right up there with deleting my ex's planned WWII documentary recordings from the DVR. Maybe a little better than that.


I think he gets it.

Good boy.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I still say he is cake(cookie) eating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> STR (sorry - can't quote on my phone) - no, there is nothing coming up that I'm aware of where I'll be forced to meet her.
> 
> And no, I haven't said or texted my ex a word about it. I noticed them in the kitchen after he'd dropped him off from his house, which he did before I got home.
> 
> He's since called me twice to talk about DS's grades and school stuff and such, and I haven't mentioned them. Not a word. If he had brought them up, I can't guarantee I wouldn't have said something, but my goal was to give him zero ammunition for thinking I'm being unreasonable about something she did "to be nice."


Between the two of them, ONE of them did it out of malice.

Or stupidity.

My parents divorced back in 2006. In the months before his affair w/ his "ho-worker"/then-OW/now-wife came to light, my father would take my mother along to socialize w/ the fugly skank. It was normally at her kid's band or other school events. My brother and I had been out of the nest and w/ our own wives and lives for a few years, so I guess they just didn't have anything better to do. And hey... no big deal, right? After all, they were "just friends".

After the divorce, and by some really weird turn of events, the skank and her kid wound up working for my brother (he's never been one to NOT avail himself of an opportunity to profit from the labors of others), and even attending church w/ him.

Prior to moving back home to eastern NC after the divorce, my mother would attend church w/ my brother and his wife. Sooo... on one particular occasion, while back in town on a visit, she decides to go to church w/ my brother. Well, guess who's not only there, but flashing a big, stupid grin and waving like she has bed of fire ants on her arm?

Stupid b*tch.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I know some here have said I give myself too much credit for evoking such malice in them, and they're wrong. It's not myself I give too much credit - it's them. Because I can't believe anyone could be so insensitive and stupid, even after all the insensitive and stupid things my ex has done so far. I don't know why I continue to be surprised at just how clueless he can be, but for some reason, I am.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

You should of sent the cookies back to her, on his next visit, untouched.

Exactly the way you found them. I think that would of sent a powerful message.

Throwing them away shows anger. Sending them back, indifference.

You want to project the latter at all times.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> I know some here have said I give myself too much credit for evoking such malice in them, and they're wrong. It's not myself I give too much credit - it's them. Because I can't believe anyone could be so insensitive and stupid, even after all the insensitive and stupid things my ex has done so far. I don't know why I continue to be surprised at just how clueless he can be, but for some reason, I am.


Maybe your heart still sees the man you married, instead of the man who left.

Try not to be too surprised because I bet you dollar to doughnuts (or cookies) these acts of utter insensitivity will be repeated. Some will be directed at you, and some will be directed at your son. The hard part is to remember it has nothing to do with you. He and the OW could care less how anything they do is perceived by anyone else.
They're in luv. (And as I friend of my from NH used to say- "Gag a maggot")


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> You should of sent the cookies back to her, on his next visit, untouched.
> 
> Exactly the way you found them. I think that would of sent a powerful message.
> 
> ...


I disagree. Sending them back tells the OW exactly how upset the ex-wife must feel. 

Indifference is doing nothing because you really don't care either way. Indifference is not trying to make some kind of point of "See how much I don't give a sh*t about your f*cking cookies? I'm sending 'em back to you, haha! See how you don't matter to me!" Clearly it matters if she feels the need to make a point by sending them back.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Respectfully, BD, I've gotta disagree w/ this...



BetrayedDad said:


> You should of sent the cookies back to her, on his next visit, untouched.
> 
> Exactly the way you found them. I think that would of sent a powerful message.
> 
> ...


...and agree w/ this.



norajane said:


> I disagree. Sending them back tells the OW exactly how upset the ex-wife must feel.
> 
> Indifference is doing nothing because you really don't care either way. Indifference is not trying to make some kind of point of "See how much I don't give a sh*t about your f*cking cookies? I'm sending 'em back to you, haha! See how you don't matter to me!" Clearly it matters if she feels the need to make a point by sending them back.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I could see that too. Fair enough.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

She can give both of them the FINGER and move!!(Depending on the divorce decree) I think the exh likes coming over and talking about his son, "feeling" like he is still an integral party in the home life and then going home to fatty who makes him "feel" good about himself(insecure). What a fn joke...DUDE


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Pluto and Nora, you're exactly right.

He and the OW don't give a tinker's cuss about how anything they do is perceived (funny - my Mom used to say "Gag a maggot!" too, and my best friend from college said "Oh, BARF!" when I said they were in luv).

And saying or doing anything to my ex about them would have shown him the opposite of indifference and would have made me (to them) seem like the nutty one, or at least petty.

Dude (and others), you're also right that he's cake-eating. He does it now only because I've allowed him to. But I'm working on that. He asked me the other day if I'd mind if he took a shower in my house when he went there to pick up our son to take him to basketball practice because he had just played tennis not far from it and didn't have time to go home first. I said, "Yes, I would mind, and I imagine your GF would, too. And it's really sad that I have to tell you that." I said it very pleasantly, so he goes, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry!" It may not sound like much, but I can't remember the last (or first) time he uttered any of those words to me in 27 years. And it may not sound like much, but that's the first boundary I've finally drawn.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You are in a way the ow(in his mind), I think he tried to open that up with can I shower here???! Wtf I'd worry more about that stunt than cookies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I think he knows. I asked him if he wanted any of them again tonight, and he goes, *"No, I don't, really. You can take them to work or throw them away if you want."* So I threw them away. Even though I did it quietly and undramatically, MAN, that felt good. Right up there with deleting my ex's planned WWII documentary recordings from the DVR. Maybe a little better than that.


So it seems you have successfully communicated your bitterness to your son. You need to find a way to stop this. Your choices are not his.

At least you threw them away quietly and not in his presence. I hope for his sake you find a way to indifference soon.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I know some here have said I give myself too much credit for evoking such malice in them, and they're wrong. It's not myself I give too much credit - it's them. Because I can't believe anyone could be so insensitive and stupid, even after all the insensitive and stupid things my ex has done so far. I don't know why I continue to be surprised at just how clueless he can be, but for some reason, I am.


An Australian friend of mine says: "Never attribute to malice anything that can be adequately explained by stupidity."

I think my mate Ed has a point! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

sapientia said:


> So it seems you have successfully communicated your bitterness to your son. You need to find a way to stop this. Your choices are not his.
> 
> At least you threw them away quietly and not in his presence. I hope for his sake you find a way to indifference soon.


Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing by never saying a word to him about what I thought of them or her, and offering them to him pleasantly two or three times.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think it's time u drop ur son off w a muscular pool boy in the front seat. Get you some personalized license plates too and a new corvette. "Cugrmom" "yurloss" or "2hot4u" 

They'll sftu quicker than ****
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing by never saying a word to him about what I thought of them or her, and offering them to him pleasantly two or three times.


Hi NMB - This is what you posted your son said:



> I asked him if he wanted any of them again tonight, and he goes, _"No, I don't, really. You can take them to work or throw them away if you want." _


Most communication is non-verbal. My guess, based on the words he chose, is he said this to mollify you. Smart boy, he's got you worked out. This isn't necessarily a good thing.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Only you and he know for sure. I'm just suggesting you check your transmissions at him regarding your ex or it will come back to bite you. 

fyi I have an ex. With a god complex. I've got a fairly well developed sense of self also so co-parenting can be a challenge.

You have to be prepared to eat your own sh!t before letting your ex affect your relationship with your son, even indirectly like what is happening to you. Because if you do let it get to you, then he's worked you over, not once, but TWICE.

Figure out a way to laugh this stuff off NMB. 

- Think of them as a$$clowns while you munch on her cookies with your son, drinking milk and telling jokes.

- Send some new baking back to her w/your son. Better than what she made. Kill her with kindness.

- Suggest sweetly next time she should use a cookie cutter for her choco chip cookies (my personal evil fave).

Or any number of things you can do to take this less seriously. The point is *nothing they do*, save anything that hurts your son, should affect you in the slightest. Detach. Become indifferent. Laugh at them and know that karma always comes for her share, but in the meantime, don't let your son see your bitterness. It will only make him unhappy.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I appreciate your advice, sapientia, and you make a good point. But I honestly have not shared with my son any of the bitterness I vent here. I haven't even shared it with my ex. The last thing I'd do is let my son ever hear or see any of it. I know what you're saying - that even though I'm trying not to, I must exude it. I can't help the way I feel. I think she and my ex are unbelievably selfish people, and I really kind of hate them both. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. It does get a little less so every day, though, so I'll get to indifference eventually. But I can't make myself do that.

The tone with which my son said I could throw the cookies away was nonchalant. I'm probably terribly wasteful, but I've thrown extra cookies or other baked stuff he hasn't ended up eating away before. I'll take it to work if it's fresh, but if it's getting stale anyway, I throw it away. I don't eat sweets - kind of doing the Atkins thing, so that's why he didn't say "Don't you want any?" I think we should consider, though, that he gets that it was an inappropriate thing for her to do at this stage in the game without me telling him or otherwise exuding so.

I don't bake, so sending something homemade to her would be weird of me to do even if I were so inclined.

But I'm not so inclined. I'm all for killing our enemies with kindness - i.e., giving them zero ammunition against us and forcing them to say things like, "I wish she'd stop being so nice."

But really, it was ridiculous of someone who threw herself at a married man with a young son at a funeral, rushed him through a divorce from his wife of 25 years, and got pissed off that he "put her on the back burner for a year" while he took care of all that to send homemade cookies to my house and expect a Thank You. I chose to not dignify that [email protected] nonsense with any kind of response. I think I'm a pretty good person for just not responding in any way, as opposed to all the ways a different person would have responded.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Super. In this case, I don't have anything else to add. TAM is a great place to vent, and you've clearly got it under control. All the best to you and your son.


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