# i left.. now i'm back...



## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i took a breather from my hubs for almost a week before i caved and came back home. my hubs was faced with an ultimatum that he didnt go through with. so i left. before the decision to leave everything was so easy and even fun in my head. i'd have time to do whatever i wanted without worrying what he's doing or thinking. 

i thought about hooking back up with old friends and going to cafes with my bff. but after i left i really didnt want to do any of those things. i just wanted my old life back. 

i truly love my hubs... like more than anything. when i was in my hotel i just cried.. and drank. it was a really lonely existence.. all those things i envisioned in my head were just so unappealing at that point. i got sent home from work the first day i left because i just couldnt stop crying. 

well now i'm back. and it's better than i expected. a lot of the anger is gone. there's laughing and touching, but we're still staying in separate rooms for now. but who knows that could change in an hour. it's just confusing. i still want what i wanted initially.. but suddenly the ultimatum i gave him isnt so important. 

i'm just confused.. thanks for listening.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

My wife left me in November and did not return until March. It got very dark and lonely for both of us. I see us as good companions with the potential to have an even better marriage. 

I hope your time apart will help you make the best of you time together!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only thing I would advise is to make sure that the things that drove you to the ultimatum aren't just swept under a rug someplace to fester.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

PBear said:


> The only thing I would advise is to make sure that the things that drove you to the ultimatum aren't just swept under a rug someplace to fester.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

thanks, this is me... i wish you guys continuous happiness.. and pbear thanks for the advice... im working on it... thats why things got so bad in the first place.. lots of sweeping. it just feels freaking amazing being back in his arms and have his fur tickle my nose again... a better approach to problems should help lots... yall wish us luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I know it must feel really good to be back at home and in your husband’s arms again. I get that. Being apart from him must have been painful. The problem is that you left for a reason… because he wasn’t treating you with the respect and dignity you deserved as his wife. So coming back home without him having to do anything to win back your affections just make him feel more entitled to not have to treat you better or be deserving of your love in order to keep you.

I suspect that within a short time you will be right back to where you were before you left … and even more resentful this time that he didn’t have to do anything to earn your affections, and that he didn’t even put in the needed effort to get you back. The reasons you left haven’t changed. I know right now the happy feelings of being together overpower any other thoughts, but I suspect that within a short time, you will again be really upset of living a lie. I hope that your leaving is not entirely in vain though, as I do think that it may give you the strength to leave for good at some point. It’s just like many smokers make several attempts to quit before they finally do for good (I think the average is 7-8 times), I think at some point you will get so sick of being disrespected by someone who is supposed to love you and stand up for you, that you will leave…. for good. At least I hope so. 

I think this time must have been scary and probably it will just require you to get the courage to try again. It’s not that I wish anything at all bad for your relationship. I do wish you both to have a happy life together, but not at the sense of your dignity and respect. Unless your husband is willing to change himself to be that husband that you need, then I would personally rather you get the strength to move on without him rather than keeping your life in limbo with someone who doesn’t care to give you the respect that you deserve as his wife. You know deep down that you deserve a husband who will do the right thing, and not force you to live a lie. Even though I’m saddened that you decided to come back, I am really rooting for you and truly hoping for the best for you.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> thanks, this is me... i wish you guys continuous happiness.. and pbear thanks for the advice... im working on it... thats why things got so bad in the first place.. lots of sweeping. it just feels freaking amazing being back in his arms and have his fur tickle my nose again... a better approach to problems should help lots... yall wish us luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is either very hairy or there is a new twist to this story!

One huge lesson learned was to avoid the sweeping as it builds resentment, and resentment is poison to a marriage.

All the best to you!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If you drew a line in the sand, a boundary, on an issue that was very important to you and this issue was very important, and you cave in without him doing anything to to resolve that issue....you've only buried that problem plus now you've shown to him that when you draw boundaries you don't really defend them. You've shown you'll give in easily. You've shown him that you don't value yourself enough to stand up for yourself. I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh but we have to mean what we say. We train others the way they treat us. You're giving him an enormous lesson right now by caving in. I think I know what the issue you're talking about is. I wouldn't want that secret in the marriage _nor would I want to be kept a secret_.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

thanks for the advice coffee n friends.. yes there was a line in the sand drawn.. the issue still remains. but of course it is never that simple. an explosion on my part after the ultimatum wasnt met makes things trickier. when i say explosion i mean explosion. fists flying... clothes being ripped off.. things being thrown.. crying.. police... a long time of resentment lashing out in physical violence. so... my actions are also unacceptable. 

he was trying to start a productive conversation about everything and i just wanted him to feel my pain. so it was after the fight that i left. there was a lot of anger on both sides... and now that it has subsided there is an opportunity to figure things out.. calmly.. and sober. 

so yes.. the problem is still there... but at least now talking about it is an option. i had a therapy session about everything.. and leaving needs to be a permanent decision for me.. and i'm not ready.. not until im absolutely sure. 

(is it bad to wish some people would just die?)

thanks yall for the support. will keep you updated!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I didn't realize that things had exploded. I didn't really keep up with the story after a certain point. It sounds very emotionally draining. 

Is there a mediation clinic or therapist who can help you both with a plan to reveal the information? Do you think that's something he might be open to...in the near future? 

I hope you continue to post. I have a feeling you'll need the support and advice of peers on this board.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

life has pretty much been a roller coaster since i've been back. there are days when we laugh and come home and have amazing sex.. and then there are days like today .. where we cant even be in the same room anymore. anyway.. it's freakin exhausting. thinking about going to work tomorrow with all this crap in my head almost brings me to tears. anyway.. thanks yall for the support.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

coffee.. i'm trying to message you.. but it says you dont have space in your inbox. clear that junk out!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry! I have all these love letters from my fans....




:rofl:


Clearing my inbox now...


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

after a month of continuous fighting there is finally some relief. but it's not without complications. 

last night i agreed to another year of compromise. but with conditions. i had this burr up my ass to buy a condo, and now i have no interest in investing in a property with him until he breaks the news. he said he will transfer his car into my name. and he agreed to take me off the lease that we have. i am keeping the money that i took back when i decided to leave... about 14k now.

but i can already sense my feelings for him changing. i dont care as much for him. i resent him a lot. which is why i'm separating myself from him. if ever i feel the urge to leave for good, i can. i was contracted on the leasing agreement which if i hadnt come back to live i would have been out $2k....which wasnt the only.. but the most expensive reason to come back to live with him... which got me stuck back here in the first place. i've researched a few apartments closest to my work that i can afford on my salary... my escape route is ready. 

on the other hand i'm SO RELIEVED that our relationship is back to normal. there is a caring for each other again.. rather than wishing each other pain and agony. on a daily basis life is happy. he is considerate.. sex is good. right now he's buying me a sandwich from publix... which he would NEVER do... i'm always responsible for dinner... and we're having a picnic by the pool tonight. again.. it would NEVER happen usually. 

he's agreed to go to therapy with me to help me cope with the insecurities he's causing me.. because i think he really does understand how much all this messes with my head. so yall wish me luck. i guess the worst thing that can happen is that he'll leave me for some random brown chick who was forced on him. in which case i am totally and pathetically prepared for.. and i guess the best thing that can happen is some members of the Vas family fall off a cliff or something. either way... i am completely hopeful that everything works out for me. i try so hard to be a good wife.. and a good person in general.. so hopefully karma will be nice to me. 

thanks for everything for those who've cared enough to keep up with me. hopefully i will post soon with happy, positive updates! 

cheers!


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Glad you are going to be going to counseling with him. If you aren't planning to leave him at this time, then counseling is at least a step in the right direction, and probably the next best option.

I think one of the biggest issues that went wrong last time you left (as I know of it) was that you were all alone, staying in a hotel by yourself. No wonder you felt horrible and lonely and went back to him. If you decide to leave again, I highly suggest making sure that you have connection with your family and friends, so that you don't feel lonely. If you can stay with a family member or friend for a few weeks, it might help make the transition smoother, before you get your own place. So if you decide to try again to leave later, then make sure that being in close touch with family and friends is part of the plan. Good luck!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> after a month of continuous fighting there is finally some relief. but it's not without complications.
> 
> last night i agreed to another year of compromise. but with conditions. i had this burr up my ass to buy a condo, and now i have no interest in investing in a property with him until he breaks the news. he said he will transfer his car into my name. and he agreed to take me off the lease that we have. i am keeping the money that i took back when i decided to leave... about 14k now.
> 
> ...


You're moving in the right direction. Therapy will give you better direction and hopefully, to him, the kick in the pants he so desperately needs to come clean to his family. 

Out of curiosity, why wouldn't he buy you a sandwich from that place before? I don't get that.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

well, i guess he would if i made a big deal about it. he's lazy most of the time... he's a big, "i worked all day.. can you deal with dinner" kind of person. once he gets home.. he literally doesnt get up until the next morning. so a poolside picnic was his idea.. required effort on his part and a nice change...


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

so i'm watching "forced into marriage" on the current network (which i didnt even know existed)... but it is the most eye opening documentary i've ever seen.. and so applicable to my situation.. 

it's about these girls who seek refuge in the agency who protect (usually) younger women who's parents are setting up their arranged marriages. their parents (and siblings) beat them and threaten them if they dont go through with the marriage. some of the counselors are survivors themselves and they're in the witness protection program in the UK because their parents have hired PIs to kill their own children. a 12 year old refused her neighbor's marriage proposal and he stabber her... and then stabbed himself. 

now that is on a whole nother level than i could have even imagined. you know there's a lot of times that i forget what kind of country my hubs is from. just because he's sweet and kind and his friends are friendly and other people i've met who are from the area who i know are kind... i assume they all are. in reality.. people kill each other on the streets over cell phones. most people own serious weapons (machine guns.. even grenades)... it sort of has me fearing for my own safety and of course my hubs' safety now. i'm sure he's embarrassed about the possibility which is why he's never used it as an "excuse" ... but it was really eye opening for me. so thanks to all who are still paying attention to my life's dramas. yall are amazing.. 

and just as a little update.. we are doing great. getting along really well with lots of affection and happiness. 

i hope everyone is also healthy and happy!! muah!:smthumbup:


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I've read those stories as well. It's very sad. It makes one appreciates all the freedoms we have in the west, especially as a woman. However, I think your life is probably safe. 
I doubt that someone will come from his home country to kill you. He's a Hindu for one thing and most of the horror stories I've read are not of Hindus but of the dominant religion in his home country. 

Anyway, it's good to have an update from you.


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