# Wife Has Secret Bank Account



## mrniceguy1968

I discovered last week that my wife has a secret bank account.

Last Thursday we had a small financial crisis, and since I had used pretty much all of my savings on our wedding and honeymoon (we have been married 3 months, living together 2 years) we were in bit of a spot. My wife told me that she had an account with enough money to cover...at the time I was simply relieved to have the ability to take care of it but now that the dust has settled I've started thinking about the secret bank account. She told me it was a "running away fund", that she had been in situations before when she need to get out and had nothing (I know this to be true) and she would never be without access to funds again. She said, "it's not that I don't trust you, but rather I don't trust life." She also said she hadn't told me about it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. The money in the account had come from her retirement...she had opened it about 3 months before we got married. It's her money...and she can do what she wants with it but it's the secrecy that bothers me. I'm appreciative that she was willing to use it for the benefit of both of us, but if we hadn't needed I would have never known about it. I really am trying to get past it and understand why she might do such a thing, but I'm having a hard time with this.

Thoughts?


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## lamaga

I'm generally in the minority here on this issue, but I think that everyone, especially women, should have a little account of their own. You just never know what will happen in life. My mother trained me to do this, and she was married for 56 years until she died. I don't think it's necessarily sinister...if it was, she wouldn't have been so eager to use funds from that account to help with the crisis.


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## tacoma

lamaga said:


> I'm generally in the minority here on this issue, but I think that everyone, especially women, should have a little account of their own. You just never know what will happen in life. My mother trained me to do this, and she was married for 56 years until she died. I don't think it's necessarily sinister...if it was, she wouldn't have been so eager to use funds from that account to help with the crisis.


I agree to a point.

When I was a kid the first sign my mom was ditching her boyfriend was when we`d go to the bank and open up a new "secret" account.

This stuck with me and a couple of years ago my wife got a bank statement in the mail from a bank we don`t use for an account I was unaware of.
Considering my past I freaked a little internally.

I asked her about it and she said she`d opened it for her up coming business venture.

I simply told her that she needed to let me know about stuff like this because it`s easy to get the wrong idea.

OP just let her know you`re fine with the account but please keep you in the loop in the future to avoid any misunderstandings.


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## Mavash.

Unless you've been in a situation where you needed to run and couldn't you won't get this. I have so I do. Trust me its a terrible place to be where you need to get out and can't.

I'm with lamaga I think all women need an account of their own or the ability to make money. You just never know what will happen these days. 

In the early days of marriage I didn't need a secret account because I was the breadwinner. I made enough to support myself. And now that I'm not it's no longer an issue. After 20 years of marriage I think I'm safe. I no longer have that need. I have savings yes but my husband knows about it.


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## Trickster

I can understand the secret part of it all hurting a little. Given her past, I can understand that also. I would like my wife to have an account, even if it was a “secret”. She might have one already and I just don’t know it. 

I don’t want her to ever feel trapped for any reason. 
Your wife used her money for that rainy day fund. If you would have known about it, you all may have spent it all. At the same time, you used your savings for the wedding, while she kept hers in her account.

We don’t know what your wife's previous marriage was like and what she went through. I think she was justified!

Just a few weeks ago, I told my wife to open a separate account for her money (when she decides to get a job) she can add to it. We used our money for her to open the account and I did the same. We are working out the details as it comes up. She can use “her” money if she wants her hair done or if she wants new clothes. Our situation is a little different. We have been together 20 years now and in major debt. I am just taking control of my finances because my wife can’t do it. I only wish she had a secret account to get us out of the mess we are in.


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## cherokee96red

In hindsight, I wish I'd have had an account for me. Considering all that I have been through in the last 3 years a resource like that would've been most appreciated and helpful.


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## chillymorn

secerets and marriage don't mesh to well.


what else is she hidding?

nope I call bs on this if you don't trust the person you married then you should have never married. sounds like some want their cake and eat it to.
I love you but I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better.

if you feel the need to protect yourself then a prenup would solve it and everything would be out in the poen.


he spent his savings putting out fires as she kept her hidden. wrong,wrong,wrong 

at least she came foward when the chips were down.

I would keep all finances separate from now on I would not let her know how much I made and would split the bill down the middle.


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## chillymorn

and if a man came on this site and said he kept a secert bank accout what do you think the tone would be.

sounds like some.......some.......some....women want special rights not equal rights.


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## lamaga

Oh, give it a rest and stop getting your talking points from Rush.

"I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better."

No, it's not in case the woman finds someone better. It's in case her husband leaves her in poverty. It's in case he spends all the grocery money on booze. It's in case he decides to divorce her when she's 50 and hasn't had a job outside the home in 25 years.

Despite many advances, women do not have the same earning power, period. And women need to protect themselves.

That's not asking for a "special right". That's being smart and pro-active. And I am done with you for today.


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## chillymorn

lamaga said:


> Oh, give it a rest and stop getting your talking points from Rush.
> 
> "I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better."
> 
> No, it's not in case the woman finds someone better. It's in case her husband leaves her in poverty. It's in case he spends all the grocery money on booze. It's in case he decides to divorce her when she's 50 and hasn't had a job outside the home in 25 years.
> 
> Despite many advances, women do not have the same earning power, period. And women need to protect themselves.
> 
> That's not asking for a "special right". That's being smart and pro-active. And I am done with you for today.




your done with me today.....LOL when did you start with me?


sounds like some women arn't very good at picking life partners so they have to protect themselve.

that just plain bullsh*t a prenup will do the same thing .


and many men are left finanically ruined after a wife has spent money on drugs and booze and even their boy friend on the side.

hey heres a thought don't respond to anything I write because I'd just as soon a person with an I'm done with you attitude not respond to ANYTHING i say or write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## mrniceguy1968

I suggested during one of our discussions before we got married about how we were going to handle finances that she opened her own bank account because I never want her to feel trapped or dependent on me. She told me she didn't want to set up her own bank account.

I understand if your partner becomes abusive or you find out they are cheating on you to do this and get prepared if it comes to having to get out, but neither of these is the case.

Keeping secrets begets mistrust, and trust is one of if not the most important aspects of a relationship. I don't think she had anything devious in mind...but honestly now that I know she did this behind my back my trust in her is damaged.

And by the way...women aren't the only ones who may be faced with having to get out and have no financial resources...I've had to do it myself so I get it...but I wouldn't even consider sneaking around if everything is good and fine and wonderful.


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## Entropy3000

chillymorn said:


> and if a man came on this site and said he kept a secert bank accout what do you think the tone would be.
> 
> sounds like some.......some.......some....women want special rights not equal rights.


Not so equal is it?

I actually understand this to a point. It depends on the dynamics of the marriage. If it is a marriage where both partners are earning a living I think this is just wrong. If it is a marriage where the wife has gievn up a career to raise the kids then ok.

That said, it is still about secrets.


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## lamaga

So don't call it sneaking around. Call it taking care of one's own business.

Really, you're the one framing this in a problematic way. When you as a couple needed money, you got money. If you keep calling it "sneaking" and "secretive", well then, of course you're going to be upset. Try reframing it as "she is an adult and has the right to make some of her own financial decisions."


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## tacoma

mrniceguy1968 said:


> I suggested during one of our discussions before we got married about how we were going to handle finances that she opened her own bank account because I never want her to feel trapped or dependent on me. She told me she didn't want to set up her own bank account.
> 
> I understand if your partner becomes abusive or you find out they are cheating on you to do this and get prepared if it comes to having to get out, but neither of these is the case.
> 
> Keeping secrets begets mistrust, and trust is one of if not the most important aspects of a relationship. I don't think she had anything devious in mind...but honestly now that I know she did this behind my back my trust in her is damaged.
> 
> And by the way...women aren't the only ones who may be faced with having to get out and have no financial resources...I've had to do it myself so I get it...but I wouldn't even consider sneaking around if everything is good and fine and wonderful.


I think you`re overreacting a bit.

You keep using the term "secret account" but it`s not much of a secret if the first time you have a financial problem she opens it up to you.

Could just be something she didn`t think she needed to discuss with you, I agree she would be wrong in thinking this but being "wrong" and being "devious" are two very different things.

Doesn`t sound like she was being devious.


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## Mavash.

I have a christian marriage book. In it there's a sweet story about a homemaker who was such a good shopper that she often had money left over from what her husband gave her. She saved it for a rainy day and didn't tell him anything about it. One day something came up and they needed money. She then presented him with the money and he was happy. He cherished her and called himself blessed.

This is all in how you look at it really. The OP had no malicious intent as proven by how quickly she shared the money when they needed it.


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## lamaga

Well, Mich, as you yourself have experienced, sometimes spouses go off and join weird cults. It's not a matter of the balance. It's a matter of having your own resources if things go off the rails.


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## sculley

lamaga said:


> Oh, give it a rest and stop getting your talking points from Rush.
> 
> "I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better."
> 
> No, it's not in case the woman finds someone better. It's in case her husband leaves her in poverty. It's in case he spends all the grocery money on booze. It's in case he decides to divorce her when she's 50 and hasn't had a job outside the home in 25 years.
> 
> Despite many advances, women do not have the same earning power, period. And women need to protect themselves.
> 
> That's not asking for a "special right". That's being smart and pro-active. And I am done with you for today.



Like always I agree with lamaga.. I have seen way too many times where the woman spends her life taking care of her family to be ditched to make it on her own (hate to say this but before my husband became a better man he did this to his ex wife to an extent) OP if she wanted to keep it so secretive and be a real ($*#& she wouldn't have said anything about the account for her to bring it up and offer to pull that money out to help ya'll that should speak volumes it shows she trusts you. I don't know maybe I am only seeing it from my view point because when I got divorce from my ex husband he left me in SOOO much debt I wish I would have set money aside. I am just now recovering from that and that was over 5 years ago.


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## Mavash.

And we aren't talking a ton of money. For most women a few thousand would be enough to start over.

Got a homemaker friend now that her husband has taken over control of the money just because she's divorcing him. Forget the part where HE cheated multiple times. Right now she'd kill for about $3K to buy oh food, put gas in her vehicle and secure a new place to live.

She's in a serious bind and she's having trouble finding a job. She's also doing this with 3 kids in tow because he certainly isn't going to help her leave him. KWIM?


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## chillymorn

this is why married man sex life is so important ......because women want it all and as men we have to keep them in line like little kids or dogs. because they think it perfactly alright to lie and steel from their husband for a just in case fund.

well guys there you have it better keep your thumb on the back of their neck and watch every red cent because if women have the mind set like the ones who post on here then ......be warned.

disclaimer.... this is ment for women who think its ok to have seceret accounts


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## lamaga

chillymorn said:


> ......because women want it all and as men we have to keep them in line like little kids or dogs.
> 
> disclaimer.... this is ment for women who think its ok to have seceret accounts


:lol:
I believe we now know exactly who is who


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## sculley

chillymorn said:


> this is why married man sex life is so important ......because women want it all and as men we have to keep them in line like little kids or dogs. because they think it perfactly alright to lie and steel from their husband for a just in case fund.
> 
> well guys there you have it better keep your thumb on the back of their neck and watch every red cent because if women have the mind set like the ones who post on here then ......be warned.
> 
> disclaimer.... this is ment for women who think its ok to have seceret accounts


Who said anything about a women stealing the money from her spouse?!/ sounds like you have issues with women period:scratchhead:


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## mrniceguy1968

Ugh, I should have known this question would bring the male bashers/haters and the control freaks out of the woodwork. I'm sorry I even bothered.


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## lamaga

Ah, that was very revealing, Mr. Nice Guy. You're not very nice at all.

I note that, while you bemoan the "male bashing", you have nothing at all to say to the poster that characterized all women as "little children and dogs".

You got some very well reasoned, very unemotional responses. You did not like them. That's just the way life goes. Sometimes the answers we don't like are the ones we most need to hear.


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## Dollystanford

sounds like a smart cookie to me - I had an account that the H had no access to (although had to use it constantly to tide us over when he spent too much money)
he knew about it but didn't know how much was in it (and I put my own money in it that I earned)
but then I will never be financially dependent on someone else - ever
far too dangerous


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## mrniceguy1968

Actually there are some well thought out responses here that I have taken into consideration...along with many which insinuate all men are wife beaters and all women need to stay in the kitchen...neither of which are true. My question was about trust and being open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING which in my opinion is the foundation of a healthy happy marriage. If you don't have that, you have serious problems.


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## mrniceguy1968

Why People Hide Money From Their Significant Other | Fox Business


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## chillymorn

mrniceguy1968 said:


> Actually there are some well thought out responses here that I have taken into consideration...along with many which insinuate all men are wife beaters and all women need to stay in the kitchen...neither of which are true. My question was about trust and being open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING which in my opinion is the foundation of a healthy happy marriage. If you don't have that, you have serious problems.


then I guess your mad at your spouce then.

what actions are you going to take to correct it?

and how is she going to earn your trust back?


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## Double Trouble

I have to say that if I found out about a bank account that my wife was keeping without my knowledge I would be very upset. I have to agree that openess and honesty are a true foundation of a good marriage. Finding out about a "sperate" bank account that my spouse was keeping would really make me question what was going on. There is a reason for hidding something like that. You either don't trust your spouse or you don't trust yourself.


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## SunnyT

I think... if you are older, been around the block, maybe had a financially unstable ex.... maybe this is part of the baggage you might bring with you to a new relationship. I do think that by the time you marry someone you ought to be able to trust your partner enough to be transparent. 

BUT... I think you have to consider the spouse's baggage. It is probably a natural reaction to a bad experience. And since she was eager to share, she will probably be ok hearing how it made you feel. I think, in this case, a good heart-to-heart conversation as well as more communication about finances, and how the financial issues will play out in THIS marriage is important.


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## tennisstar

chillymorn said:


> then I guess your mad at your spouce then.
> 
> what actions are you going to take to correct it?
> 
> and how is she going to earn your trust back?



Hey, Mr. Smarty, before bashing women, maybe learn to spell. It will make you look a bit smarter when saying stupid crap like this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio

Not as argument... but I don't agree with having a "secretive account",, "separate account" YES!!

Yes she had this set up BEFORE the marriage... and yes she hadn't told you about it,,

But did she even hesitate telling you about it,and using this money when you needed it as a couple? No..

I would think you would only have a valid argument, if you needed this money ,, and she didn't offer to help. And then you find out later that she had it all along and wasn't willing to use it for family finances....Now that would be selfish wouldn't it?


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## chillymorn

tennisstar said:


> Hey, Mr. Smarty, before bashing women, maybe learn to spell. It will make you look a bit smarter when saying stupid crap like this!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


really,

I'm not bashing women I'm bashing dishonest women who thinks its ok to keep seceret bank accounts 

so because you know deep down in your heart I'm right and you don't have anything else constructive to say you will insult me by telling me I can't spell. 

well let me tell you spelling is not my strong suit. but common sence is and its wrong to keep secerets in marriage.

if a woman dose not feel secure in the person she going to marry so much so that she needs an escape fund then In my opinion she should not get married.

instead the though process of well I'll get married but I leave a safty valve so I can get out when ever the sh*t hit the fan is not very invested in the marriege in the first place and that just plain STUPID!!!!! and selfish and I for one would not want to be married to someone with such low morals.


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## Tall Average Guy

mrniceguy1968 said:


> I suggested during one of our discussions before we got married about how we were going to handle finances that she opened her own bank account because I never want her to feel trapped or dependent on me. She told me she didn't want to set up her own bank account.


I am not real big on "secret accounts" though I have been convinced that having a separate account makes sense. I do think some transparency on the amount saved is necessary.

All that being said, this is the part that bothers me a bit. She told him she was not going to set up this type of account, then went ahead and did it. She lied to him. That she quickly revealed the account when needed is great, but there is still that initial lie that is probably not sitting well.


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## kag123

You know its funny that this was brought up.

My mother advised me to have a secret account. Yes, secret.

I recently found out she has a secret account that my dad doesn't know exists. She has had it for over 20 years (married almost 40 years). Her reasoning is that she is a saver, while dad is a spender. She couldn't stand to see him constantly spending their savings on junk, and they always fought about it. So to solve the argument she felt they could never resolve, she took just enough of her money each paycheck and puts it in a secret account that he doesn't know about. He doesn't realize its missing. She says its enough money to calm her anxiety and let him spend the other money freely without nagging him about it. She says the intention is that its s joint emergency fund or retirement money, but there has so far never been a need to use it.

I was shocked and my immediate thought was how wrong it was for her to keep this secret from him. Coming from my marriage where we share everything with 100% transparency. However my H is tighter with money than I am so I have never had to deal with worries over him blowing our savings.

I couldn't imagine having a secret account...I don't even know how I would pull it off without mentioning it, as I am horrible at keeping secrets and would feel constantly guilty about it.

However my story was to enlighten you that there are plenty of moms out there who are doling out this advice and that maybe your wife is on board with it. I wouldn't hold a grudge against her, but rather use this as a talking point about how to manage your finances from this point forward and if this makes you uncomfortable there has to be some kind of compromise. Lots of married people keep separate accounts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman

wow so this is what this world has come to, have we all (myself included) been so hurt by previous experiences that we force our next spouses to pay for it. I used to tell my wife to please do not make me pay for another man's mistakes. I am not only talking just about money only but relationship in general. My wife and I have separate accounts but we know the appx amount that is in them. What I love about what we have is we have is she has NO problem telling me what she has and I have no problem telling her.

If you really think this is a "secret account" then the best thing to do is talk to her about it, something tells me that this is more than about money.


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## FirstYearDown

I am currently not working because I am in school. I know I will be independent again; I just hate the position I am in right now because I always worked and lived alone before I was married. It is the price I am paying to be able to have a career, instead of some low paying Mcjob for the rest of my life. 

My husband is generous and he does not mind supporting me during this time. When he gives me money to spend on myself, I put some of it away. I need to have some cash put aside in case something happens with our marriage-I think it is smart of a woman to realize that the same loving man can become abusive or unfaithful. 

I also put some cash aside in case there is something extra that I want both of us to enjoy and I know my husband may not have the extra funds. I can't wait to see my hubby's face when I tell him we are spending one night in a beautiful hotel-we are stopping in a gorgeous province on our upcoming summer road trip. :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn

I guess I need to start my own secert bank account.

whats good for the goose is good for the gander!


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## GhostRydr

At least she offered up the money for the crisis. Let it go.

I think its important for a man and woman to have their joint account as well as separate ones. 

Id also keep it a secret or at the least open it up before marriage so if a divorce hits only property aquired during the marriage is up for grabs..and if your state thinks that is unfair...keep it a secret.


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## NewM

Id be pissed off in your situation,you say you spent ALL of your savings for this marriage and I am assuming she didn't spend equal amount(50/50) when she probably had money to do so.

I see you are fine with her having that account but you should tell her that you are fine with it as long as she tells you how much is she putting away every month(I am pretty sure she will be refilling that money she had to spend on your financial problems) and isn't keeping it secret so you can match it for your "emergency" account and she should be fine with you having one if she has one.


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## dblkman

Isn't this "secret account" business how most widows and widowers end up in court? Trying to claim money that popped up after that person was dead and gone and they had absolutely NO knowledge of it's existence. I am not suggesting you have to know what is in the account but I think there should be enough trust to inform the spouse that there IS an account.


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## Caribbean Man

This is tough one.
But my wife has many accounts that I know of,and my guess is that she also has a secret account.
But I have no problem with it because I believe that no man should control a woman's finances under normal circumstances. 
My first laptop,she bought it for me.[ As a gift]
My ipad,she bought it for me.[ As a gift ]
My iphone, she bought it for me [ As a gift ]
And many other " gifts " at different times.

If ever we are in a desperate jam I know I can count on her. Very rare I ever ask her for money. I handle all of the bills etc. I don't know if my thinking is wrong , but money is absolutely no problem between us. She is not financially dependent on me. If we should have to part ways,she can stand on her own feet. After all she helped me build our business, no need for it to get nasty.


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## *LittleDeer*

chillymorn said:


> and if a man came on this site and said he kept a secert bank accout what do you think the tone would be.
> 
> sounds like some.......some.......some....women want special rights not equal rights.


Women are not equal, they are still paid less, more likely to give up careers to raise children and so forth. I can understand why some women would want a separate bank account.

Wouldn't work for me in my relationship though.


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## Caribbean Man

Dollystanford said:


> sounds like a smart cookie to me - I had an account that the H had no access to (although had to use it constantly to tide us over when he spent too much money)
> he knew about it but didn't know how much was in it (and I put my own money in it that I earned)
> but then I will never be financially dependent on someone else - ever
> far too dangerous


:iagree:

And I R-E-S-P-E-C-T that!!!
I think a woman should always have that secret account. Many times it is actually a " golden parachute" meant to save our [ men ] back$ides..........
In my experience women are spenders. So when they save it is for a particular purpose. Either for themselves or the ones they love in case of an emergency.


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## warlock07

Genuine question. Should a guy have a secret account too? Based on the same arguments. The family courts are heavily biased in woman's favor in the U.S


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## tacoma

warlock07 said:


> Genuine question. Should a guy have a secret account too? Based on the same arguments. The family courts are heavily biased in woman's favor in the U.S


No, because I don`t think a woman should have a secret account.

I think she should have a separate account if she wishes as should a man if he wishes.


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## cherokee96red

Seems this all boils down to semantics, nothing more than that really.


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## Mrs.K

I don't work and for years I have been "skimming off the top". Change from the grocery store, 20 bucks out of the atm here and there etc.

I don't have an account but when I first started doing this I didn't tell my husband I just put it in the fire proof safe in our closet. I honestly never thought anything of it and the day my husband came home and told me he got laid off and I pulled 3500.00 out of the closet he was nothing but happy.

He actually thought it was funny and made jokes about how thankful he was for my "embezzlement".

Now he knows that there is money in there since I have started over again but he never mentions it and told me to not tell him how much I have. If he knew or wanted access to it I am pretty certain we would have a new 3d tv right now along with other crap we just don't need.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

*LittleDeer* said:


> Women are not equal, they are still paid less, more likely to give up careers to raise children and so forth. I can understand why some women would want a separate bank account.
> 
> Wouldn't work for me in my relationship though.


http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSXY-8IZkiMxzNcvMnhCusTbr6wzuSvPX-Qb5rwMNA07mXVk7eJW9rd6z8eBQ


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## Tall Average Guy

tacoma said:


> No, because I don`t think a woman should have a secret account.
> 
> I think she should have a separate account if she wishes as should a man if he wishes.


I agree, and will again note my biggest problem is that she lied about it. He asked, she said she did not need or want one, yet did so anyway.


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## ItMatters

She had a secret account, but she immediately revealed its existence PLUS used the $$ to assist the family.

I don't think it's that big of deal- especially since you KNOW her past would cause her to feel the need for this.

I have a 'secret' account- which is only secret because my spouse never looks at our bank statements. I put my bonus into it because if I'd put it into our checking account/reg savings it would have just been eaten up.

This way I have the ability to pay for little vacations, some treats etc without causing strain on our usual finances. Am I wrong? (okay, it's also a sorta new boob fund, too...)


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## livelaughlovenow

tacoma said:


> I think you`re overreacting a bit.
> 
> You keep using the term "secret account" but it`s not much of a secret if the first time you have a financial problem she opens it up to you.
> 
> Could just be something she didn`t think she needed to discuss with you, I agree she would be wrong in thinking this but being "wrong" and being "devious" are two very different things.
> 
> Doesn`t sound like she was being devious.


:iagree: She didn't continue to keep it a secret and you have not been married long. She could've not said a word and kept it a secret, she didn't that shows a huge amount of trust which typically she doesn't have for "life" or people


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Angel5112 said:


> Separate accounts? Yes. Secret accounts? No. Secrets and marriage are not two things that can coexist together.
> 
> I do believe that all spouses have the right to have their own account and the right to not feel obligated to report to their SO how much money is in there.


isnt that keeping secrets? :scratchhead:


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## Bellavista

My husband & I run separate accounts. I am a spender, he is less so. Thus, we divide the bills up based on income, I pay my share, he pays his, if I want extra money, I usually ask him & he gives, sometimes with a grumble, lately better. For the most part, we don't know how much each other has in our accounts, but I am sure if we asked, the answer would be given.
we tried the whole joint account thing, for us, it nearly ended in divorce. For some couples it is great. Go with works for each family, don't push YOUR way as being the ONLY way. 
I don't see this 'secret' account as being a problem, as like many have said, the money was offered when needed. Instead, be grateful it was there.


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## Tall Average Guy

Angel5112 said:


> I do believe that all spouses have the right to have their own account and the right to not feel obligated to report to their SO how much money is in there. Of course this is all within reason. I don't think that if you are living paycheck to paycheck that you should be siphoning funds away as it is creating a hardship, but other than that…


Which is why each spouse need to know roughly how much is in the others account. It is about planning together. Just like they need to know, at least roughly, each others expenses, paycheck, retirement, and the like. Without knowledge about that, how can you plan? I don't think the "within reason" helps, because anyone can justify that reason.


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## Tall Average Guy

livelaughlovenow said:


> :iagree: She didn't continue to keep it a secret and you have not been married long. She could've not said a word and kept it a secret, she didn't that shows a huge amount of trust which typically she doesn't have for "life" or people


Well, with that account she did, but who knows if she has other accounts, or will do so in the future. I am not comfortable with separate accounts, but understand why some need them. I don't think they should be secret. 

I also really dislike that she actively lied to him about it (not just didn't bring it up, but actually told him she would not do that). Is that considered acceptable. Would not be for me, but perhaps I am alone with that.


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## Tall Average Guy

Angel5112 said:


> To each his own I suppose. My husband is a spender. He needs a new car every 3 years and buys DVDS that we never watch. He gets a new gaming system every time it comes out. I siphone funds because if I didn't, we would never save. If he knew how much money I had I am sure he would find something to spend it on that we "needed"...I don't lie, I just tell him that he doesn't need to know, because he doesn't.
> 
> If he wants these things he can budget for them himself, which is what I usually tell him when he asks for the newest whatever. I have a savings account that is our emergency fund, one to for each of our children, and one to save for things I want. I had him open one that was solely his to save for things he wants, but he never puts anything in it.


If that works for the two of you, and your husband agrees to it, then I say good for you. But those things need to be discussed and agreed to, even if it is about what will be disclosed and what won't be.


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## chillymorn

lamaga said:


> Ah, that was very revealing, Mr. Nice Guy. You're not very nice at all.
> 
> I note that, while you bemoan the "male bashing", you have nothing at all to say to the poster that characterized all women as "little children and dogs".
> 
> You got some very well reasoned, very unemotional responses. You did not like them. That's just the way life goes. Sometimes the answers we don't like are the ones we most need to hear.


I did not classify all women as children and dogs just the devious sneky bi*ches who keep seceret bank accounts!!!!!!

please don't put words in my mouth!


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## thatdude

The only time my wife and I weren't joint owners on bank accounts was when she moved in with me prior to marriage. She had moved from another state and didn't have an account. She trusted me to handle all of our money. Pooled into a single account. She used to just sign her checks over to me. Complete trust. Today, everything is joint. She his a minor part time job where she makes a fraction of what I make (maybe 4-5%). It's all our money and I can't imagine it any other way and we are far from perfect marriage-wise.

It's likely because my parents were/are this way too....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

I think everyone should have their own private account.

But a secret account? Well, not so certain about that...


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## Caribbean Man

MattMatt said:


> *I think everyone should have their own private account.*
> 
> But a secret account? Well, not so certain about that...


Especially women. 
women should have access to their own source of money.
Men can sometimes be controlling and manipulative with money.


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## Ansley

i dont see how it was secret--they were short on bills and she said "here I have some money" paid them and then was totally honest about where the money came from and why she had it. Im going to do that. GOd knows my marriage isnt getting any rosier.


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## Tall Average Guy

Ansley said:


> i dont see how it was secret--they were short on bills and she said "here I have some money" paid them and then was totally honest about where the money came from and why she had it. Im going to do that. GOd knows my marriage isnt getting any rosier.


Except that the OP had a conversation about her having her own account, and she said she did not need it. That she used the money to help them out is great, but the fact remains that it was secret and she lied about it. That last part especially would be a problem.


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## chillymorn

listen any person man or woman who feels the need to keep a secret bank account as a safety net incase their marriage goes south wasn't very smart at picking a good spouce in the first place!


if before I got married my wife said to me I think we should have separate bank accounts because it makes me feel safer to manage my own money or maybe a prenup thats fair for both of us. I would have jumped at it . But to do it seceretly is down right wrong and is lieing,devious, 

but thats just me.


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## J.R.Jefferis

lamaga said:


> I'm generally in the minority here on this issue, but I think that everyone, especially women, should have a little account of their own. You just never know what will happen in life. My mother trained me to do this, and she was married for 56 years until she died. I don't think it's necessarily sinister...if it was, she wouldn't have been so eager to use funds from that account to help with the crisis.


I agree. To me it's as if she had taken out her own insurance policy for unforeseen emergencies. She probably didn't tell you because she didn't want to make it an issue....nothing to worry about I don't think.


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## ZimaBlue

Good for her! 

I've just set up my own and I have no intention of telling my husband. Every person shouldn't have to be tied to another person's attitudes towards money. 

I'm sure you're fine with money, but once you've been bitten, you don't take any chances.


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## Jane_Doe

I think it's fine to have separate (or secret, or private, whatever) accounts if that's what you want for yourself. Trust is about trusting that your spouse will do the right thing in a situation, regardless of whether you know about it or not. It's not 'I can only trust you with <whatever> if I know about said <whatever> and can monitor it for myself'. That's an attitude for broken trust.

As for all the bad 'reasons' someone might get a secret account, like to cover infidelity or if you're planning to run away from your spouse, those things are a symptom of a broken marriage that won't be solved by the person closing the account and putting that money back into the joint account anyway, so the account itself is hardly even relevant.


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## bobby5

i wish my ex or I had a secret bank account. Make life a lot easier for everyone. i say she is a good woman and you are lucky. Now if she had a secret load and it caused the house to be reposses, that would be a problem. Thank your blessings.
Id like your opinion on my story
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html


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## Tall Average Guy

ZimaBlue said:


> Good for her!
> 
> I've just set up my own and *I have no intention of telling my husband.* Every person shouldn't have to be tied to another person's attitudes towards money.
> 
> I'm sure you're fine with money, but once you've been bitten, you don't take any chances.


Why not? Is he entitled to his own secret account?

I guess I am having a really issue with lying to ones spouse over this. It does not really seem to bother anyone else on this thread. I don't have a problem with having a separate account only accessible by you. But own that decision. Keeping it secret or actively lying about it (as was done in the OP's case) seems a recipe for trouble. If you can lie about that (or conveniently not mention it), where do you draw the line.


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## CH

Meh, stick it out how ever many years to have community property law to apply. She used money from the account for the marriage so it's co-mingled now. Going 50/50 down the middle. Yes their will be a fight but it'll just cost more money, still going 50/50.

Unless she's using a friend/family member to hide or shield the money from a marriage.


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## bobby5

If I am on a date and the girl takes a fifty from her purse to buy a drink and she hadnt told me about it should I be upset. This is nuts. Help my wife is rich. Coooooool no matter what. Again I stress if she had secret loans that would be an issue. Give he her a hug. Be happy.


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## ladybird

I wouldn't worry about it, If it were really that secret she wouldn't have told you about it when you had a crisis. I don't think that your wife had any bad intent with the bank account.. Just to cover her own ass just in case! I think most if not all woman should have their own account, just in case they need to get out of a bad situation. It's easier to get out if you have the money to do so.

I have my own bank account, but it is not a huge secret. My husband knows about it anyway..


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## Caribbean Man

Money = Power.

Some women have " secret " bank accounts because if only their spouses knew,
He would want to have access to it, which would defeat the purpose of it.
In some marriages, a " secret account" = an umbrella for a " rainy day."


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## Sameold

My mother-in-law and her three sons went through a civil war as missionaries because her daughter was in a city on the other side of the lines and my father-in-law wouldn't leave without the daughter. If she'd had resources enough to get to her country's embassy, she and the boys (the oldest was seventeen) could have skipped the war. But she didn't have access to funds, only he did. (Yes, they all survived.)
I don't have a separate account. I have some cash. I hope my husband does to. Not tons--just enough to get a bus ticket out of town or a hotel room for a couple days.


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## ZimaBlue

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why not? Is he entitled to his own secret account?
> 
> I guess I am having a really issue with lying to ones spouse over this. It does not really seem to bother anyone else on this thread. I don't have a problem with having a separate account only accessible by you. But own that decision. Keeping it secret or actively lying about it (as was done in the OP's case) seems a recipe for trouble. If you can lie about that (or conveniently not mention it), where do you draw the line.


So I can have access to my own money once in a while!


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## Raindrop

I started having a secret bank account when I left my job and moved to another city so my husband could get a very high paying job. This was during the financial collapse and there were NO jobs too. 

He has weird obsessive money issues with a sprinkle of control in there. He watches EVERYTHING I spend like a hawk even though I am not a "shopper", will always complain we don't have money even when we are doing MORE than fine! 

It was the first time I was dependent on a man and HATED it. He would throw things in my face all the time. Not only does he have a bank account in his home country that I have no access to... but when he gets a big bonus, he quickly moves it into a an account I have no access to... 

I think I am entitled to having a secret account. Sorry.


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