# Feelings for someone else



## dylandalliesmom

I'm 27 and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have two beautiful kids together. My problem is that for several months now I have become very emotionally and physically attracted to one of our good friends. It's to the point that I think about him all the time. My marriage has never been 100% stable. We have considered separation at least three times. And the other guys marriage is rocky too. I feel guilty for having these feelings for him but I can't shake them and honestly I don't know if I want to. When I'm around this man I am comfortable and things just flow naturally as we have been friends for years. I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I don't know if I'm still in love with him. It feels more like he's my roommate. What do u ladies think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charlene

wifeofhusband said:


> I think ... put your energy into working on your marriage. See this guy as little as possible.


:iagree:


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## Enchantment

I think you are starting to go down a very slippery slope indeed in starting to have an EA with this other man.

The way I see it, you have two choices. The first - get rid of this other man and dedicate yourself to your husband and marriage and work on the issues that you bring to it. The second -end your marriage completely before engaging with another.

It shouldn't be an option to remain in your marriage and carry on with this other man meeting your needs. All you have to do is go to the Coping with Infidelity forum and read through some of the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking threads there to see how well that works.

Be a strong woman. You've got two options open to you that will allow you to maintain your self-respect and dignity. I would suggest you concentrate on one of those options. 

Best wishes.


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## Trying2figureitout

Stop thinking about him... you are married! The OM is married!

Are you two horn dogs ready to ruin two intact families? How stupid is that?

What is wrong with these wives nowadays?

Go have lots of sex with your husband... and think about the other guy if you must. But try to get the other guy out of you head.

Tell your husband that you are getting too emotionally attached to another man and you need his help... maybe he'll step up his game a bit.

It's your husbands fault also for not fulfilling your needs give him a wake up call and a chance to satisfy you so your eyes and brain don't wander.

Use this situation as a benefit to your marriage. Be honest.. it's ok to feel something as long as you never act on it.

Or be prepared for an ugly divorce and no you were unfaithful to your man that you promised to be faithful to for the rest of your life in front of all your family and friends.

Think about your kids! You want them to know mom cheated on dad by letting another man steal mom?

Do the right thing!


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## WayTooAverage

dylandalliesmom said:


> When I'm around this man I am comfortable and things just flow naturally as we have been friends for years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Believe me, this would end too if you got in a relationship with this man. The grass is never greener on the other side.


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## SimplyAmorous

WayTooAverage said:


> The grass is never greener on the other side.


I wouldn't say the grass is NEVER greener - I have seen it close up & very personal to where it sure CAN BE. I do not believe all marriages can be saved --if too much incompatabiity exists from the get go, even if you are 2 good people. 

Sometimes..... people marry TOO quickly, they hardly knew each other, the marraige is nothing but stress, tension and misery. I was a child of such a marraige. My parents lasted 9 years- it should have ended earlier. I remember the fights. They were just TOO very different people, no amount of counseling would have saved them, they simply had 2 different views of LIFE , family, goals, dreams, virtually nothing in common --BUT ME. I am thankful they split up and didn't stay for me! ...and I got to see how a truly beautiful marraige works. Even though I was NOT a big fan of my step Mother growing up. 

And the crazy part, my step mother was my Mom's best friend ! Some things were meant to BE. Ain't no force that would have stopped it. Marraige made in heaven -- My Mom should have never married my dad, she didn't love him, she wanted a career, not marriage being tied down, she was NOT happy, and wasn't interested in fullfilling his needs. Yes, people got hurt, my mother Less than my step Mom's husband-but he was an abuser! 

One thing I give them all credit for was this.....It was a bit of a fiasco , but there was NO secrets to what was unfolding, my mother was never in the dark, she was even OK with letting him go-- and my step Mom didn't hide the fact she wanted out of her marrriage & was in love with someone else. . I used to spend the night over there, their daughter one of my best friends and the husband would be beating her up in the other room. It was very uncomfortable -for sure. Both of these marraiges would have ended anyway, it was just that love was found BEFORE the divorce. 

Maybe wrong, but the grass was very much greeener for them. Believe me, they had to live with alot of judgement from other people, but I still feel -it was meant to be. 

Get this book... Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books 

Sort out what is the best thing here for all involved .... almost separating over 3 times - how are the kids affected by this - is there great tension in the house ? What are the issues, how do you know you won't have similar with this man? If you want to stay & fight for your marraige, Counseling sounds a good start -to see what can be salvaged. 

There is something I have heard people talk about on here called "the FOG"....because right now you are being BLINDED by this OM's faults cause you do not live with him, you are caught up in a "dopamine rush" in wanting him, never underestimate how blinding this can be. The reality is likely NOT this rosy at all- if you set up housekeeping with him. 


Do your darnest to wade through this with "Integrity", making right descisions along the way.

Best to divorce before moving on to another. The temptation may be GREAT, but you will feel no shame is waiting -giving your husband that courtesy.


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## Laurae1967

What do I think? I think you are caught up in a FANTASY. You can't compare your H to this guy because the context is completely different. Anyone can be charming and fun and "easy to talk to" when there is absolutely NO commitment and NO real life pressures and challenges. 

Right now, you are projecting what you want on this other guy. You really have no idea what he's like as a husband in real life. 

You and this OM are probably not feeling great about yourselves and your marriage but instead of working on yourselves and your marriages, you are doing the least healthy thing....developing an inappropriate relationship with someone else.

I hate to say it, but it's nothing special. He is interchangeable and so are you. You both are just looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself. But it doesn't work that way. Cheating is what people who don't have better coping skills do to deal with life's problems. You are going to fall into that category and so is that guy (if he hasn't already done this thing with other women before). In fact, he may already be flirting with other girls online, at work, at the gym, and you may just be one of many.

The state of your marriage is 100% your responsibility. It is also 100% your husband's responsibility. Together you have created your marriage. Your next relationship will be no better than this one, so instead of looking for a fantasy to solve your problems, actually DO something to fix yourself and your marriage and forget about this guy.

There is a reason why people who leave their marriages for their affair partner end up unhappy and alone. Only a tiny percentage of those relationships work out....like 10% or less. 

Get some MC or at least go to therapy by yourself to figure out what you really need and why you are so willing to walk down this destructive path.


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## RandomDude

> The state of your marriage is 100% your responsibility. It is also 100% your husband's responsibility.


Yes, a relationship is about 100/100, not 50/50. Regardless, even though my marriage was born from a friendship, which developed into an emotional affair, and me breaking up with my ex for her... my ex did serve as a lesson for both of us.


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## Jellybeans

Typical script. OP...stop hanging with this guy. Its no goodif ur both discussing marital problems and getting aheadrush from being around hi. The fact that its a friend of the marriage makes it 100x more icky IMO. Tell ur husband straight up how u feel about the marriage and about the other guy. True intimacy comes from being honest. This is a big red DANGER sign.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

RandomDude said:


> Yes, a relationship is about 100/100, not 50/50. Regardless, even though my marriage was born from a friendship, which developed into an emotional affair, and me breaking up with my ex for her... my ex did serve as a lesson for both of us.


What was the lesson?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings

Whose marriage is ever 100% stable? Seriously? Nobody's is. Each marriage has it's ups and downs but you ride those waves together. I wish I could have you "feel the pain" before you cheat, so you could see what things would be like if you did cheat but you'll somehow convince yourself that this is what is right and yet another family will be destroyed. Are you really going to listen to us? Are you really going to take our advice? We are a group of people who have become friends who have been on both sides of the adultery fence. We know from experience what it is like. This person you are attracted to, you need to remove him from your life now. Then you need to confess to your husband the feeling you had for someone else and let him know you love him and are willing to prove that to him.


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## RandomDude

Jellybeans said:


> What was the lesson?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For me, what not to put up with, and for her, what not to be like.


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## sigma1299

I think: 1. If you don't get the hell away from the OM you'll have an affair. 2. That if you have an affair you will regret it the rest of your life, please listen to someone who has had one. Number 2 will be true even if you are the one out of one hundred who has an affair that turns into a true and successful long term relationship. 

Participating in an affair is an ugly, selfish thing - it is the second most selfish thing a married person can do (the first IMO being suicide). If you do, it will wreak emotional havoc on you that you do not even begin to understand and it will leave a scar on you that you will have for the remainder of your days. Sounds like fun right!?!?!

Before you do something you feel you have to hide from your husband tell him. Tell him all of it. Tell him that you are that close (holds thumb and finger 1/100th of an inch apart) to having an affair but that it's not what you want. Then the two of you set to figuring out what need it is that you're not getting met in the marriage and work on it.


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