# Confrontation with Sister in Law



## drae123 (Sep 25, 2015)

My sister in law has a tendency of having a direct relationship with my husband and often ignores my existense. I feel angry at her and annoyed that she only puts her blood relationship ahead. She wants to maintain her strong relationship with my husband and my toddler daughter...I see a future in which she's involved in their lives and ignores me like she does today
I have sisters in law myself and I always give them their respect and importance and do not have any problems with any of them.
Now recently it was my daughter's birthday and my sister in law, husband's sister, sent her a gift and was continually communicating with my husband. Did not talk to me or wish me for my baby's birthday and my husband even sent her pictures of my baby playing with her birthday gift. Three days went by and I was still waiting for the call but she didnt call and then my husband said you can talk to her if you want. Well I was angry and instead of talking to her calmly, I kinda went off at her. 
She hung up on me and my husband decides to forbid me from communicating with his sister and has been pounding me to apologize. I said I know i had a harse tone and am willing to apologize but she needs to apologize for her behavior as well. But he refuses to have her apologize and says she doesnt need to apologize to me.
He talks to her regularly like nothing has happened
I feel exhausted because when it comes to his sister and mom he is not willing to listen to much if i complain.How do I make him see that she needs to apologize as well and how do i make him stand up for me? :-/


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I don't think you need to apologize or it should be a mutual apology. I would not get the mother involved too. Nothing men like worse than getting in the middle of these fights,


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

if you want to stay married, you have got to learn to stop putting such great important on their treatment of you. Stay away from them, let your husband deal with his family. Don't interact with them. Don't ask about them. Don't visit them. 

He can take the kids to see them. But they are not allowed in your home and certainly not allowed to give their opinions on the raising of your child. Don't start arguments with your husband about his family. Let it go.....

Heck no, no apologies. Don't bring it up again. Put it behind you and carry on your life. Be happy.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> if you want to stay married, you have got to learn to stop putting such great important on their treatment of you. Stay away from them, let your husband deal with his family. Don't interact with them. Don't ask about them. Don't visit them.


This ^^^^^^
It's the only way. You have to understand that these people don't care about you. They tolerate you. Ignore them as much as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

How long have you been married? Have you had other incidents with his sister before?

So basically you felt hurt by their exclusion of you in the sister's gifting process (read jealousy)? And you were sitting at home holding your breath waiting on a call from the SIL to wish YOU a happy birthday for your daughter? And then when you did speak you blew up on her?

Geesh, lady. You handled this poorly. You put your husband in between a rock and a hard place. You expected the SIL to treat you as if you had a chummy relationship when in fact you do not. It does not appear that you have cultivated that, but you feel entitled to it by virtue of marriage. 

If SIL doesn't get good vibes from you, if she perceives you as a jealous shrew that wants to isolate her brother from his family, and when she does speak to you it is downright nasty, why in the world would she pick up the phone and deal with your nonsense? 

First, it was your daughter's birthday. She doesn't have to wish you nary a well. Be thankful she's in your daughter's life, giving her gifts, invested in her upbringing, etc. Second, of course most of her communication will be to her brother. You gals don't have a close, loving relationship. Third, men HATE being put in this position because of immaturity and jealousy. Expect more strife if you keep this up with his family. 

IMO, you completely created this mess (unless there is a massive back story). If you want to have a relationship where your SIL calls you and wishes you and your daughter birthday joy, then you must cultivate it. To turn this around you'll need to call her up, deliver a heartfelt apology for being a witch, and back that up over time with olive branches and good tidings. They most likely won't be reciprocated for a while and you'll have to just accept that and not lose your **** again. Over time, if you continually make an effort, if you are a decent person, and you allow your husband to have guilt free contact with her, she will hopefully see you as someone she is interested in picking up the phone and calling. 

Or you can act like she doesn't exist. You can sneer and pout when your husband treats her with familial affection. You can drive wedges between this triangle and cause him pain. You can build some more resentment in him for being immature and jealous. Whatever floats your boat.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I don't see that the sister in law did anything wrong. She doesn't sound like she's been actively rude to you...she just clearly doesn't feel that close to you.

Your marriage to her brother doesn't obligate her to have a close relationship with you and if its something you desire, clearly you have to foster it...not just make the assumption that she HAS to have a relationship with you.

She wasn't being insensitive, she called her brother to talk about your child and there's nothing wrong with that. She's under zero obligation to make a specific phone call to you and frankly, your behavior validated what she probably thinks of you and why she keeps her distance. She doesn't owe you any deference just because you married her brother.

In my opinion, your behavior was unreasonable and rude and you've put your husband in a really bad spot.

My advice, apologize for being an ass, stop the drama and if you want a friendship with your sister-in-law...start acting like a person that someone wants to be friends with.


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## drae123 (Sep 25, 2015)

In my defense, I've always been sweet and caring towards his sister. She had major marriage issues and I was always supportive and gave good advice to help shake off the nastiness and focus on the positive. I drove over for 20 hours to her place when she had a tragic stilbirth 2 years ago and helped her through the whole thing. Kept money aside from my budget for her next pregnancy and my husband and I and my daughter flew over to her place on all expenses on credit card when she had a new baby this year...this is when my husband was jobless and we're living at my parents. So I personally feel that if I'm doing my part, been there for her through thick n thin, send her gifts and guide her through her ups n downs of her marriage n pregnancy n what not, then I think she can call me at least on my daughter's birthday...I was also expecting the call especially cuz my husband said she'd call me. She doesnt call me on a regular basis and I stopped calling her as well when I didnt see reciprocation. She had a difficult pregnancy and i'd call her regularly to see how she was doing. This is one sided nonsense and I have a right to be upset when someone I do stuff for out of the way treats me like a nobody. We didnt have to fly to her place when my husband didnt have a job. But we did AND I brought presents for EVERYONE! Yes i am bitter and this is unfair. I talked to my husband that she should have called me and not ignore me like this. She has done this once before as well and there was no action taken. So this time I confronted her and yes it turned ugly...Now my husband blames himself as well for not stepping up initially. He could have prevented this fight. But i'm still considered the bad guy cuz yes i lost my S"""t. I could have confronted her in a nonaggressive manner but I guess I got emotional. I dont have a problem apologizng but I believe that she should as well...my husband and my MIL don't think she owes me any apology...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP is it possible that your daughter's birthday was just too hard for your SIL to call you? If she had a stillbirth two years ago and your daughter is a toddler, it sounds as though the two babies would've been around the same or similar ages...could your daughter's birthday and talking to you be an extremely sensitive spot for her? It seems so to me. She may have been worried a conversation with you would become emotional - as women do around these things - and it was just too hard to do.

I don't know, just a possibility.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't understand why you had such an issue with her not calling you for your daughter's birthday. It wasn't *your* birthday. Why is it about you at all? So she has a relationship with her brother that doesn't include you to a great extent, that's fine, start adapting to it instead of forcing yourself on her. You chose to spend large amounts of money on going to see her etc, that does not mean she is indebted to you. I don't understand your requirement to be acknowledged on someone else's birthday. Your child is not you.

It's not always going to be about you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

drae123 you are sounding selfish and childish. 

First off your husband is always going to be the contact link between you and the in laws, that's typically how families work, SIL is going to call his cell first, if she can't reach him than maybe she would dial yours, but she probably doesn't want to have to make two calls. By calling her brother she was reaching out to your family on your daughters birthday, I think you should appreciate that instead of being pissy because she didn't call you individually.

As for all the support you've given her....it sounds like you and your husband did much of that as a couple, so there again SIL looks to her brother as the driving force behind that support. You did the right thing and was there as a family unit supporting the SIL in her time of need, that's a good thing, but to keep score and expect reciprocation is just wrong. I sure hope when you blew up at SIL you didn't bring up being supportive when she lost her child.

The tone and content of your post here is very telling of your personality, time to grow up and accept the world doesn't revolve around you. Apologize to your SIL, no "buts" or "because", a simple "I was out of line and I'm sorry" is all that's needed.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

drae123 said:


> In my defense, I've always been sweet and caring towards his sister. She had major marriage issues and I was always supportive and gave good advice to help shake off the nastiness and focus on the positive. I drove over for 20 hours to her place when she had a tragic stilbirth 2 years ago and helped her through the whole thing. Kept money aside from my budget for her next pregnancy and my husband and I and my daughter flew over to her place on all expenses on credit card when she had a new baby this year...this is when *my husband was jobless* and *we're living at my parents.* So I personally feel that if I'm doing my part, been there for her through thick n thin, send her gifts and guide her through her ups n downs of her marriage n pregnancy n what not, then I think she can call me at least on my daughter's birthday...I was also expecting the call especially cuz my husband said she'd call me. She doesnt call me on a regular basis and I stopped calling her as well when I didnt see reciprocation. She had a difficult pregnancy and i'd call her regularly to see how she was doing. This is one sided nonsense and I have a right to be upset when someone I do stuff for out of the way treats me like a nobody. We didnt have to fly to her place when my husband didnt have a job. But we did AND I brought presents for EVERYONE! Yes i am bitter and this is unfair. I talked to my husband that she should have called me and not ignore me like this. She has done this once before as well and there was no action taken. So this time I confronted her and yes it turned ugly...Now my husband blames himself as well for not stepping up initially. He could have prevented this fight. But i'm still considered the bad guy cuz yes i lost my S"""t. I could have confronted her in a nonaggressive manner but I guess I got emotional. I dont have a problem apologizng but I believe that she should as well...my husband and my MIL don't think she owes me any apology...





Cooper said:


> drae123 you are sounding selfish and childish.
> 
> First off your husband is always going to be the contact link between you and the in laws, that's typically how families work, SIL is going to call his cell first, if she can't reach him than maybe she would dial yours, but she probably doesn't want to have to make two calls. By calling her brother she was reaching out to your family on your daughters birthday, I think you should appreciate that instead of being pissy because she didn't call you individually.
> 
> ...


I don't think OP is necessarily being selfish and childish.

I think she is misplacing resentment (see bolded parts).

OP, the problem isn't your SIL, it's your husband. In addition to not-financially-supporting you and using-your-paycheck-to-lend-support-to-his-family, he is also not respecting you as his wife, and not treating you very well.

Being the better person and making a sincere apology is always good karma, even when it will not be returned, as in this case.

Perhaps it would help put things in perspective (for the person who is the real problem here) if you apologized to your husband for being so mean to his dear sister, and telling him that since he is so worried about her feelings, that he should go live with her and Mommy for awhile, since he obviously doesn't give a damn about his own wife and children.

Going forward, whether you apologize or not, no more gifts for SIL. No communication at all. Live your life as if she doesn't exist. Only speak to her if she is in the same room with you, speaking directly to you, and if you find yourself in that situation, leave the room as quickly as possible. Repeat as necessary. "No more gifts" means any form of support from you to her, so no letting hubby fly to visit her on your dime.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

You don't help others with the expectation of them helping you. You have the expectation that she will do for you like you did for her. Your help for her in the past was not given for the right reasons. That's the root of your jealously.


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## drae123 (Sep 25, 2015)

Um you should see what kind of a person she is. For her its all about blood relations. She even treats her husband as an outsider often and teaches her child that ur main family is your uncle and u have to follow certain rules when it comes to your dad. I know she can be very manipulative and this is all a form of control basically. I was always chill with her but when I noticed how she continuously keeps me at a distant and ignores my existense then obviously its gonna bug me. Its not just about a phone call. Her actions are clearly showing me that she could care less about my existence. I have brothers and i keep a good relation with my SILs. We never get into anything. It seems to me like my SIL never really accepted me as a part of the family yet my MIL keeps saying we're all one big unit. When someone's been with you through ur thick n thin then u would put them at a certain level in your life. But i guess i should just maintained a distant from the beginning instead of going out of the way. 

At FRUSDIL, she lost one baby but she conceived again and just had a healthy baby this year so I dont think the previous stilbirth has anything to do with it. 

And yes it is my husband's fault for not stepping up. If she even gets the flue, i'm expected to give her a call to see how she's doing. On the holidays as well im expected to call cuz im younger. I recently found out im pregnant n we announced it to my MIL and she conveyed the message to the rest of teh family. She didnt call to congratulate me. She just communicates with my husband. I dont exist to her. She only wishes to maintain relations with my husband and my kids basically..


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It wasn't YOUR birthday. And when you flew out to see them and took presents to 'everyone' (what for?) that was you giving and showing you care. That was very nice of you but you can't do things because you expect reciprocity - you do them because you WANT to. And when there came a time when you realized she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about them, or have a different idea of how an in-law relationship should be, then you just have to tone it down and let it go.

Not everyone is all about extended family. Some are private and personal and find it hard to reach out beyond their circle of immediate family and only the very best of friends. Sounds like your SIL is of this nature. So tone it down and keep her on the same level as you would an acquaintance. They aren't being MEAN - they just aren't acting the way you WANT them to. I'm all for spouses standing up for one another but in this instance you made a mountain out of a mole hill and put your husband right in the middle. Now family affairs are going to be very strained. 

I suggest you tell her you are sorry you went off on her, that you were stressed out and feeling a bit needy. Then let it go.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

drae123:

I think it's time to simply write your SIL off. I'm not saying be mean or rude to her, but stop thinking about her so much. If your H tells you his sister has the flu, just simply reply with, "I hope she feels better soon, send her my regards.". Don't feel obligated to call her, most people don't feel like talking on the phone when their sick anyways (I sure don't). If the SIL tries to passively aggressively call you out for not seeing about her, you simply say "I told my H to send my well wishes for you". Again, you are simply removing yourself from that equation. Why complicate your life trying to figure this chick out?

I would also suggest for you to not go out of your way for your SIL. If your H wants to do something for his sister, let him do it on his own. That way you won't feel so resentful & slighted if she doesn't reciprocate. If the SIL is a good aunt that is loving to your children, find comfort in that & let the rest go. Life is too short to be worrying about what other people are doing or aren't doing. You can't control your SIL, but you can certainly control YOU - just don't go out of your way anymore.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

drae123 said:


> My sister in law has a tendency of having a direct relationship with my husband and often ignores my existense. I feel angry at her and annoyed that she only puts her blood relationship ahead. She wants to maintain her strong relationship with my husband and my toddler daughter...I see a future in which she's involved in their lives and ignores me like she does today
> I have sisters in law myself and I always give them their respect and importance and do not have any problems with any of them.
> Now recently it was my daughter's birthday and my sister in law, husband's sister, sent her a gift and was continually communicating with my husband. Did not talk to me or wish me for my baby's birthday and my husband even sent her pictures of my baby playing with her birthday gift. Three days went by and I was still waiting for the call but she didnt call and then my husband said you can talk to her if you want. Well I was angry and instead of talking to her calmly, I kinda went off at her.
> She hung up on me and my husband decides to forbid me from communicating with his sister and has been pounding me to apologize. I said I know i had a harse tone and am willing to apologize but she needs to apologize for her behavior as well. But he refuses to have her apologize and says she doesnt need to apologize to me.
> ...



Your SIL is due an apology. For what reason did you yell at your SIL? Because she did not wish you a happy birthday for the 1 year olds birthday? I don't get it. SIL sent a gift. Talked to your H. What is the issue?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're acting like a 12 year old. She owes you nothing. People are allowed to be rude. People are NOT allowed to yell at other people. Which YOU did.

The real issue in your life is your husband not standing up for his wife, however.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have to disagree with putting fault on the husband. It's on thing if his sister is intentionally attacking his wife trying to harm her reputation or damage the marriage, but he's not responsible for making them like one another. What's the guy suppose to do? Put them both in time out like 5 year olds? Cut his sister out of his life? From what I have read I don't see hubby doing anything wrong. 

As adults we have to accept the fact that there will be people in our life we don't really like, but need to tolerate. That's the way I see this relationship, and I still think the OP had unrealistic expectations, and because she doesn't like the SIL she over analyzes every scenario believing somehow she is being slighted. Still sounds petty and selfish to me.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Some are crucifying the husband. Saying he is not stepping up. The only fault I see in him is expecting the OP to contact and do for his sister when it's obviously unreciprocated. He likely has good intentions - he wants everyone to be close and harmonious. It ain't gunna happen. 

The OP solidified that with an unprovoked b!tch fit. The SIL did everything fine (toy, called the brother, etc.). The OP was in the wrong expecting the SIL to match her past efforts. Nothing justified the OP going off on the SIL. 

So, your best bet, OP, is to offer SIL an apology for losing your sh!t. Briefly. And then start to de-prioritize her in your life to match her level of engagement (weak sauce level). Let your husband do pretty much all the communication, and don't concern yourself with what the SIL does or doesn't do. And if your husband asks you to contact her for some reason, just put it back on him. 

She's your sister, we don't have a close relationship like that because she isn't interested in that with me. No anger, no fits, just calm and matter of fact. She doesn't have the ABILITY to affect you like that anymore. 

And then figure out what it is within you that you felt justified in acting this way. Huge character flaw. Never act out of anger when you're emotionally aroused if you are concerned about relationships.


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