# Broken up but living together



## apd (Nov 3, 2015)

So wife and I are basically done. She's clearly got depression if not BPD and has always done the whole hot/cold cycle where for up to a month or two things are great and then she swings back to where everything I do is wrong.

We'll have some big drag out fight every few months where she basically says she finds me disgusting and can only have sex with me while drunk, then make up a week later and go into the hot phase of her cycle.

Given my Oneitis for her I'd always just ignore all the stuff she said and lap up the good times until they ended.

I work, she stays home with our 2 kids and another on the way. After our last big fight she said enough stuff that I was done buying into the other side of the cycle.

She's always said in the past if I think she's not contributing enough/not doing enough why don't I just divorce her (she even threatens suicide every once and awhile).

I finally called her bluff. Told her we personally were done and it is time to just be co-parents and that I'm fine staying together for the kids but I'm done putting any energy into our fights and I'll decide on my own what my proper contribution to everything else will be.

I also told her that if she wants to keep living off me and stay in my house (for reasons I don't need to go into our living situation is ironclad my separate property) no one is having sex with other people either. She didn't like that part. Told her that if she didn't like that we can have a real divorce (I'm a very good criminal defense attorney and she's a mentally ill woman with a marijuana problem and been out of the real workforce for 5 years so between that and the housing situation I think I have some leverage there if we ever go to war in a divorce).

Not looking for pity. Not really looking for advice on how to put this back together.

Looking for feedback about how badly this will/won't blow up on me.
Thanks.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Was she always like this?


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## apd (Nov 3, 2015)

The cycle of hot/cold has always been there. I've basically known she had issued and was broken from when we first got together. I'm the son of a fundamentalist preacher who went off to college, got drunk, had sex with her at a party, and then felt I had to stay with her. She let me know all about her sexual past and her abortion (and suicide attempt that followed the abortion) and tried to drive me away (half-heartedly) but was so co-dependent that when ever I'd pull away she'd shape up long enough that my christian guilt would make me stay (I'm since become a fairly confirmed agnostic).

After a disclosure of an infidelity about 5 years ago I got all "red pill" manning up for awhile, but she'd still continue this cycle. Yes, we stupidly have two kids together now with another on the way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you asked her to go to counseling, alone or with you? Many people with mental illnesses do drugs to self medicate. Is she still smoking pot while pregnant????


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## apd (Nov 3, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Have you asked her to go to counseling, alone or with you? Many people with mental illnesses do drugs to self medicate. Is she still smoking pot while pregnant????


Yup. "I can't eat at all otherwise, my morning sickness is so bad and I think I have a FODMAPS food problem, and I can only eat these 5 expensive things if I don't do that I can only eat cereal and that cause my blood sugar to spike and crash all day so I need to smoke copious amounts of pot all day everyday to even eat 1000 calories".

Having her go talk to someone isn't going to change that she said "I only could ever have sex with you while drunk, I've always found you disgusting." Which may or may not be true, she sure sings a different tune whenever she's in one of her "hot phases" but she's said **** like this enough times that I'm not interested in playing that game again even if she works out whatever is going on with her.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Oh man this is a horrid sitch...How depressing. DUDE


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## apd (Nov 3, 2015)

I'll admit that I let myself go for awhile (we both did) before we had kids. Got pretty fat (250 at 5'8") and got to where I'd drink a 6-pack most nights and would just spend time on my laptop to avoid her. But in this year I've dropped 50 pounds and cut out most of the alcohol (well, except for when she's in a cold part of her cycle and then I'd drink to escape). I'm finding that after cutting myself off from caring about what she thinks I don't feel the urge/need to drink.

I work 50+ hours a week plus do all the cooking and most of the dishes and she doesn't ever do much cleaning and most of her parenting is letting the kids watch movies.

Her excuse is that I "let her" get away with not doing much and that whenever I do address it I do so in a "whiny" way which she doesn't "respect." And she complains that I don't put in the extra effort to "game" and "flirt" with her (to which I say why, when I'm busting my ass on work, kids, cooking/dishes, and gym would I want to put in that extra work if the starting point is someone who 50% of the time treats me like ****? She's not worth it).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Honest advice? Document all of that. The drug use and any violent outbursts. And leave and take the kids and sue for custody of the two you have. Call DSS on her for child abuse of the one in utero. Get your #(*& together and be the best damn father you can be and sink your energy into that for the next several years before you even think about a new relationship. Those kids are going to need a stable parent and you're it whether you want to or not. Channel your guilt to a more productive cause.\

ETA - she's NOT worth it. You might have been whiny at some point but it doesn't sound like there will be winning with her unless she's willing to get professional help and the signs don't indicate that.


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## apd (Nov 3, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Honest advice? Document all of that. The drug use and any violent outbursts. And leave and take the kids and sue for custody of the two you have. Call DSS on her for child abuse of the one in utero. Get your #(*& together and be the best damn father you can be and sink your energy into that for the next several years before you even think about a new relationship. Those kids are going to need a stable parent and you're it whether you want to or not. Channel your guilt to a more productive cause.\
> 
> ETA - she's NOT worth it. You might have been whiny at some point but it doesn't sound like there will be winning with her unless she's willing to get professional help and the signs don't indicate that.


Given my contacts with the criminal justice system as a defense attorney, I'm a little bit more leery of calling in child services. The system is an ugly and blunt instrument. I don't have any family in the area and until my (fairly large) pay raise comes through early in the new year there are not funds for child care. Further, while definitely less than ideal, MJ use in pregnancy has a much less effect than chain smoking tobacco or alcohol use.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

This whole situation is unhealthy and weird for not only both of you but the children as well.

My first question is why are you not doing something more serious about the fact that she's doing drugs while pregnant? I would be dealing with that in a far more serious manner because if you know about it and do nothing, you're equally culpable. If you're a lawyer, you know full well that having knowledge of this and taking no action is a serious matter. She's an addict...you're not.

In addition, you've got other kids in the house that she's doing this around? Not ok at all. If pot is illegal in your state, you should be reporting this.



> Further, while definitely less than ideal, MJ use in pregnancy has a much less effect than chain smoking tobacco or alcohol use.


Sorry, complete bull****. 

Can marijuana use during and after pregnancy harm the baby? | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

One of my best friends is a OB/GYN, she regularly delivers babies and the "pot babies" (excuse the term) regularly have issues after birth with depressed response systems that cause them to be very sluggish after birth. They often having breathing issues and take a long time to become alert.

Those traits follow them into their development.

I have no issues with adult people who want to smoke pot...whatever, its your life. But please spare me that pot is healthy for pregnant women and that second hand pot smoke is fine for developing kids. That's just utter crap and if you allow it, its akin to you allowing someone to abuse your children.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to take care of this right away before she does serious damage to your child.


As far as your relationship goes, its just unhealthy. You're imposing rules on her based on her mental condition and financial dependence rather than helping her become more mental and financially stable. You can't control another person this way....its simply blackmail. 

Who cares how expensive child care is...she's not taking proper care of the children...that's what you should be concerned about.

Someone in this relationship needs to be concerned about these kids and needs to show some signs of stability.


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## apd (Nov 3, 2015)

child care expense matters when you're in that lovely income bracket of qualifying for no services but with baked in expenses (we don't live rich at all) that give us maybe $300 of disposable income a month.

I do appreciate the outside perspective on all of this. Been living in this crappy situation for so long it seemed normal.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

How old are the two children at home? I think you should take her MJ and toss it. Might have more disposable income when you cut out the pot expense.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

You're a lawyer so I am certain you have weighed the risk but here is what I would tell a layperson in your shoes. The risk is that her behavior (as you portray it) may likely escalate and your verbal altercations can go physical, even if they are one sided. If she calls the cops to your house after one of those fights one of the two of you will get arrested. And if the cops know you are a criminal defense lawyer they are going to arrest you with relish. You also hopefully understand what a DV charge, even if proven false can do to your reputation. Think all your colleagues (and more importantly those on the bench) will believe your version of events? Think again. Lots of lawyers get divorced, not many pick up a criminal charge or get hit with a TRO. There is a difference. If she is who you say she is, there is the downside. It might be a doozy.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

As an attorney you know you don't have much of a leg to stand on. You can't rewrite what marriage 'is'. You can't unilaterally create a post hoc pre nup. Either get legally divorced or don't. But there's no middle ground. In fact a good divorce lawyer would call your stipulations in lieu of divorce a type of cruelty.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yikes... I've gotta say, there are some red flags I'm seeing in your attitude here as well...

For starters, you come off as very controlling to me. You mention her codependancy and how you're pleased that you'll be able to use that to your advantage to manipulate her into falling in line with your rules. You also admit that you yourself let yourself go, gained a ton of weight, drank yourself drunk (or at least VERY buzzed) every night, and have straight up refused to show her attention/affection unless she first commits to meeting your needs. I get the feeling that you view this marriage as a business contract where you are the boss and she's the employee, and whether or not she gets a good boss or a bad boss out of you is determined by how well she performs her "job" for you. You come off as very entitled to me, with high expectations of others but not yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

apd said:


> So wife and I are basically done. She's clearly got depression if not BPD and has always done the whole hot/cold cycle where for up to a month or two things are great and then she swings back to where everything I do is wrong.
> 
> We'll have some big drag out fight every few months where she basically says she finds me disgusting and can only have sex with me while drunk, then make up a week later and go into the hot phase of her cycle.
> 
> ...


LOL. She might have already started.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

I'm calling BULLSH**T on this post. First off, you do not sound like a lawyer, if you were you'd not be posting this personal information out here for others to view, you would know the ins and outs of this. Second, I have to agree with cdbaker on you wanting to control the relationship and not putting what's really needed on the table. You are the head of the household and should lead her to help. I know you can't force her to help herself but maybe if you came across as understanding and tried to sympathize with her, maybe she may see things differently. When I was pregnant with my last child I had morning sickness so bad that I begged God to end my life, it was no joke, finally when I come up on my 6th month I started to feel better, but man, you have no idea how much I begged my OB to give me something so I could tolerate food, and not be nauseated. You would do whatever the heck you could to comfort her and help her through this, she has major depression and being PG with the morning sickness is about to push her over the edge. Get her some help, stop withholding affection and man up! Just sayin.....


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> As an attorney you know you don't have much of a leg to stand on. You can't rewrite what marriage 'is'. You can't unilaterally create a post hoc pre nup. Either get legally divorced or don't. But there's no middle ground. In fact a good divorce lawyer would call your stipulations in lieu of divorce a type of cruelty.


Absolutely, if you are a man you WILL get screwed in a divorce situation every time, whether you are an attorney or not. She will get your house and practically all the money. The courts don't care if she uses illegal drugs or not, women always win in these situations.


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