# Jealousy



## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

I've been married for about 1.5 years to a good man. My previous relationship was lasted about 7 years. We were super serious from day one. I was only 16 when I moved out with him. He was very controlling, physically and mentally abusive. He cheated on me constantly so as expected I started to grow insecure about myself. Luckily I broke loose from this toxic relationship and after being single for awhile I met my husband. I've always considered myself to be a strong confident person. Lately my jealousy has been getting the best of me and I feel like I'm making my husband pay for what my ex has done to me mentally. I'm starting to see certain characteristics my ex used to do in myself such as making your partner scared of what they can't control whether it be a new secretary at work or people who message or text you. He says he knows who he married and he doesn't mind however I see it as a huge issue that will wear on your marriage. I've been in his situation and i know how over a period of time that will break us. I've gotten it somewhat under control. I give him his space but I also strive for his attention. He doesn't give it to me enough so I get jealous when other things in his life takes his time me attention. How normal is jealousy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend doing date-like things, just two of you? Date-like does not mean to spend a lot of money on dinner and movies. It means doing things where you focus on each other.. things like going for a walk together and holding hands and talking, cuddling and talking, and yes it can mean dinner and/or a movie.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon TrishaC
Jealousy is very common - but it is also potentially very destructive. It is really great that you recognize that it might be a problem rather than trying to convince yourself that you should be jealous. :smthumbup: 

I have some difficult talking about jealousy because for some strange reason I don't have any, and I don't have any suspicion. When my wife told me that there was an Italian restaurant she liked because the waiter was cute, I teased her about it, but I don't have any negative feelings at all - I'm amused that she finds someone else attractive, but I'm completely confident that it is me that she wants.

Maybe it is like an adventure sport: bunjee-jumping is fun because you feel like you are taking and surviving a risk. Seeing your partner exposed to temptation, but still wanting you provides a much greater sense of satisfaction (to me), than worrying that I need to keep them locked up away from all temptation. 

Now if there were solid evidence that I couldn't trust my wife, it would be different, but I do trust her and live in the happy belief that I am the one she wants more than anyone else in the world (and do my best to make her realize that she is who I want more than anyone).

Or another way to put it - I want her to feel that she could leave at any time she wanted - and enjoy knowing that she doesn't want to.

I often tell people here to trust their partners unless there is clear evidence. The trust mostly benefits THEM, not the partners. Mistrust can grow like a cancer.

I don't know if this mode of thought will work for "normal" people. 

All that said, if you aren't getting the attention you want, then there may be a problem. Is he directing his attention to other people or to work? If work, then I wouldn't worry - work is part of long term planning for a better life - he may be doing it as much for you as for him. If he is paying attention to other people, then that needs more thought - what is he doing, and do you know why?






TrishaC. said:


> I've been married for about 1.5 years to a good man. My previous relationship was lasted about 7 years. We were super serious from day one. I was only 16 when I moved out with him. He was very controlling, physically and mentally abusive. He cheated on me constantly so as expected I started to grow insecure about myself. Luckily I broke loose from this toxic relationship and after being single for awhile I met my husband. I've always considered myself to be a strong confident person. Lately my jealousy has been getting the best of me and I feel like I'm making my husband pay for what my ex has done to me mentally. I'm starting to see certain characteristics my ex used to do in myself such as making your partner scared of what they can't control whether it be a new secretary at work or people who message or text you. He says he knows who he married and he doesn't mind however I see it as a huge issue that will wear on your marriage. I've been in his situation and i know how over a period of time that will break us. I've gotten it somewhat under control. I give him his space but I also strive for his attention. He doesn't give it to me enough so I get jealous when other things in his life takes his time me attention. How normal is jealousy?


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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

He doesn't really direct his attention toward other ladies.i will work by butt off on my days off to make sure I get my workout in, do laundry, clean and make sure he has something to eat ready for when he walks in the door. He gets home 2 pm after he eats he will fall asleep or watch tv. I get he wants to relax but it's like this every week and it's not like his job is physically demanding. Things can be worse, he could be cheating or abusive.

I trust him. I don't believe he would cheat. It's my own insecurity messing with me. I'm not making excuses but I can't help but to wonder if the lack of attention is making me insecure


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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do you and your husband spend doing date-like things, just two of you? Date-like does not mean to spend a lot of money on dinner and movies. It means doing things where you focus on each other.. things like going for a walk together and holding hands and talking, cuddling and talking, and yes it can mean dinner and/or a movie.



We don't spend enough one on one time with each other with no distraction. I feel like this could be hurting us as well


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TrishaC. said:


> We don't spend enough one on one time with each other with no distraction. I feel like this could be hurting us as well


I asked for the number of hours for a reason. It's hard to know that not enough time is. So a measure of time helps. 

What is it? An hours day after work? 4 hours a day sat/sun? 

Or only one hour a week? Or never?


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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

At night before bed maybe 10 minutes ( 3 times a week) we spend all day Sunday together but we don't interact since we are practicing (jetski racing). We do have the 5 hours total of driving on Sundays to and from practice but our conversations consist of racing and other topics not about "us". During the week usually he's busy sleeping, working out or watching tv so we don't get time during the week either


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think jealousy is incredibly common in both sexes. The thing is, jealousy manifests itself in different people in different ways, so the key is to identify it for yourself. When you feel jealous, what are the emotions associated with it? Fear? Anger? Humiliation? Identify the thing you are most afraid will happen and then try to give yourself a reality check as to the real likelihood that thing will happen. 

Sounds like you aren't getting as much attention from your husband as you'd like and the answer to that is to ask, in a positive and specific way, for more time with him. But it might also be good for you to explore why you associate jealousy with not getting enough time with him.


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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I think jealousy is incredibly common in both sexes. The thing is, jealousy manifests itself in different people in different ways, so the key is to identify it for yourself. When you feel jealous, what are the emotions associated with it? Fear? Anger? Humiliation? Identify the thing you are most afraid will happen and then try to give yourself a reality check as to the real likelihood that thing will happen.
> 
> Sounds like you aren't getting as much attention from your husband as you'd like and the answer to that is to ask, in a positive and specific way, for more time with him. But it might also be good for you to explore why you associate jealousy with not getting enough time with him.




This is absolutely true. When I get jealous I try to hone in on why and how I'm feeling. It's usually "anger" and "anxiety". I learned how to talk myself down back to reality and don't let my emotions get the best of my common sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TrishaC. said:


> At night before bed maybe 10 minutes ( 3 times a week) we spend all day Sunday together but we don't interact since we are practicing (jetski racing). We do have the 5 hours total of driving on Sundays to and from practice but our conversations consist of racing and other topics not about "us". During the week usually he's busy sleeping, working out or watching tv so we don't get time during the week either


10 minutes here and there do not count.

5 hours driving could count as it's a joint activity. But it sounds like it's not a very bonding activity. Boning does not have to be talk about each other. Sometimes a joint activity can really bring a couple together. But 5 hours a week is not enough, especially when you cannot do things like hold hands, cuddle, and other non-sexual touching.

So basically the two of you spend no time together building your relationship. In this circumstance, your jealousy is natural. The bond you have with your husband is being seriously eroded. If it continues like this, it won't be long before you have that "I love you but not in love with you feeling". He will likely feel that way about you as well.

In a marriage were all is going well a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things to keep the bond/passion alive. You will need more than for a while to repair the damage that has occurred. 

Generally a couple can spend at least 2 hours a night on week nights and about 5 hours a day Sat/Sun. 

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs". See if you can get him to read it after you do.

You need to start pushing to restructure your marriage. One the two of you are spending more time together, your feelings of jealousy should naturally subside. You are feeling jealous because you know you are not getting enough time and non-sexual affection/intimacy from him.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Jealousy can certainly stem from insecurity but it is also a subset of anger. If you are still harboring anger or bitterness for your ex, it can manifest itself as jealousy in another relationship.

Sort through those feelings, accept them and then try to forgive and let them go. Many times your next partner will pay for the sins of the previous one and that can be avoided if you know where to look and then deal with them accordingly.

I might also add that IC can be a good way to get past irrational jealousy too.

good luck.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> 10 minutes here and there do not count.
> 
> 5 hours driving could count as it's a joint activity. But it sounds like it's not a very bonding activity. Boning does not have to be talk about each other. Sometimes a joint activity can really bring a couple together. But 5 hours a week is not enough, especially when you cannot do things like hold hands, cuddle, and other non-sexual touching.
> 
> ...


Can someone tell me where this magical number of at least 15 hours per week doing "date like" things comes from? For the life of me I can't begin to try to figure out what kind of date night activities my wife and I could do for 2 hours every week night.

I agree that it seems from what the OP has written that they need to work on spending some better quality time together but I don't think these predetermined amounts of time really matter. In my opinion what matters is carving out enough time where both partners feel fulfilled that their needs for keeping the connection strong are being met whatever that may be. For some couples maybe 15 hours per week is the number but for others lesser amounts of time may work fine also.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I believe the 15 hours came from a linked article or a referenced book a month or two ago. It was discussed here at length and while i don't know if 15 hours is a magic number necessarily, it is certainly as good a number as any.

The point being that if you and your SO aren't spending at least a little bit of quality time together on yourselves and the relationship, problems could easily arise. I think we'd all agree with that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SoxFan said:


> Can someone tell me where this magical number of at least 15 hours per week doing "date like" things comes from? For the life of me I can't begin to try to figure out what kind of date night activities my wife and I could do for 2 hours every week night.
> 
> I agree that it seems from what the OP has written that they need to work on spending some better quality time together but I don't think these predetermined amounts of time really matter. In my opinion what matters is carving out enough time where both partners feel fulfilled that their needs for keeping the connection strong are being met whatever that may be. For some couples maybe 15 hours per week is the number but for others lesser amounts of time may work fine also.


One source of this is the book "His Needs, Her Needs"

Dr. Harley says that in his experience with his clients he has found that couples that spend that kind of time together are able to maintain a very passionate/romantic love. When the time drops off so does the love. When the time increases the love returns.

I've done this, it works... really works.

You cannot think of 1-2 hours of worth of things that you could do with your wife each night? Really? How about working out together ? taking a walk? cuddle and talk about things that interest the two of you. Play chess, and have wine or tea and dessert after the kids are in bed. Take dance lessons and practice dancing a few times a week.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> One source of this is the book "His Needs, Her Needs"
> 
> Dr. Harley says that in his experience with his clients he has found that couples that spend that kind of time together are able to maintain a very passionate/romantic love. When the time drops off so does the love. When the time increases the love returns.
> 
> ...


I guess to me it's just the prescriptive nature of saying "in marriages going well, couples need to spend at least 15 hours a week" doing whatever. Setting some sort of benchmark numbers of hours is what I don't think is productive. To me the question should be "do you and your partner spend enough quality time together that you feel fulfilled in your relationship". I think everyone needs to find what works for them not strive for some benchmark number that may or may not be obtainable.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> I guess to me it's just the prescriptive nature of saying "in marriages going well, couples need to spend at least 15 hours a week" doing whatever. Setting some sort of benchmark numbers of hours is what I don't think is productive. To me the question should be "do you and your partner spend enough quality time together that you feel fulfilled in your relationship". I think everyone needs to find what works for them not strive for some benchmark number that may or may not be obtainable.


Of course each person and relationship is different and has different time requirements for fulfillment. The 15 hours is the target amount that was found from studying many, many couples, so it IS a good benchmark for most people.

As far as finding the time, the 15 hours a week...it's all about priorities. 15 hours a week is easy to come up with if you make it a point to find the time. My wife and I are both quality time and physical touch people, and we spend way more than 15 hours a week together bonding. We have sex 10-15 times a week because that is our physical activity of choice whereas others may enjoy mountain biking together, we enjoy sex. Even things as simple as doing the grocery shopping together. It all boils down to the fact that people find a way for what is truly important to them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SoxFan said:


> I guess to me it's just the prescriptive nature of saying "in marriages going well, couples need to spend at least 15 hours a week" doing whatever. Setting some sort of benchmark numbers of hours is what I don't think is productive. To me the question should be "do you and your partner spend enough quality time together that you feel fulfilled in your relationship". I think everyone needs to find what works for them not strive for some benchmark number that may or may not be obtainable.


Of course everyone needs to find what works for them. The measure is whether or not the connection and passion is still alive and well in their marriage.

The 15 hours is a measure or a goal. Obviously it's not set in stone. I use it to get people to use words other than "not a lot", "seldom', "never".

Sometimes people will say that their spouse never spends time with them. Then when pressed for the number of hours it turns out that the spouse spends 2-3 hours a day with them. They want their spouse to spend every waking hour outside of work with them. With that I know that this poster does not have realistic expectations. 

The think that I have noticed in the more than a decade that I have participated on this type of forum is that the couples how spend less time together doing things where they are focused on each other are the ones who lose their bond and who start having problems like a lot of jealousy, not liking each other, finding a lot of fault in each other, sex goes way down, etc.

When a husband or wife says that they cannot think of things to do with their spouse, on a regular/daily basis it's a very good indicator that they are growing a part and the marriage is going to be in trouble sooner than later, if it's not already in trouble.

Look up the hormone Oxytocin. In order to have a strong bond and passion (feeling of very much in love) a person has to have a nice supply of this hormone in their body. Without it the "in-love" feeling dies. One of the major reasons that a couple needs to spend quality time together is to get the non-sexual affection and intimacy that maintains the level of Oxytocin. It takes spending time together to maintain those levels. Women, even more than men, lose that connection without enough non-sexual affection/intimacy because our Oxytocin levels drop too low. Once they do, the woman is no longer in love and no longer wants (or enjoys) sex with their husband. It's how the body works. If the couple starts to "date" again the oxytocin levels can be pushed back up and "falling in love" happens again. Humans are chemical engines. We are chemically programmed to bond to members of the opposite sex that we spend a lot of time with.


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