# advice please



## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

I have been with my wife since March 2010. She is the love of my life and I can honestly say I have never felt like this about anyone before. I am 27 and she is 32.

Before she met me, she was involved with a man who was separated, but not divorced. But his divorce was taking too long and she was starting to believe that he would never do it. Around this time she met me, and we were instanly attracted to each other (I thought) and she broke up with him. We started having sex although she said she wasn't ready to completely commit to me yet. Our relationship developed and got close and we intentionally went for a child and married in September of 2011. Our wonderful son was born in October.

I have always had some difficult feelings about her past relationship with the ex-BF, because I get the feeling it was very sexual, but I always tried not to be jealous because it was over and I know that it is silly to expect a virgin.

About a week ago she forgot her phone at home and I decided to look at her text messages. I just felt that there was something I didn't know. There weren't many on it, but I found some from the beginning of the year between the two of them:

Her: Happy New Year! how are you?
Him: doing fine. It's nice to hear from you. Everything ok?
Her: Are you still married?
Him: Did you write just to ask me that? You're with a new man now, it shouldn't be important to you.
Her: It is important to me!!!
Him: You need to stop obsessing on that and get on with your life.

The next texts were a week later:

Her: I want to know if you are still married.
Him: No, I am not married anymore. Satisfied? I'm out with my kids right now, I really wish you would leave me alone if that's all you can talk about.

The next morning:

Her: Not married!!
Him: I think what you need is to get married. You need to stop writing me.

Thinking back, this is around the time she came to me and said she wanted a child, so we intenionally had sex without birth control and it happened. I have been reading thru this forum and I am afraid that this situation is like many others here, she has wanted this other man all along and I was her plan b. I couldn't find any more recent texts between them but she had obviously chosen to save these.

I have a lot of stress now just thinking about what would happen if he decided he wanted her and came back, and that she was texting with him during the time we were seriously dating. It also totally hurts that I was not her first choice. I am reading here that if another man has been in her mind since the beginning, the chances are small for us. But it appears that they have not been communicating for a while now, so can we still fix it?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Well,
I don't really know that this really is an big issue in my mind. She displayed curiosity about his status. There doesn't appear to be a request for anything except this info and clearly the OM isn't interested in her. This was before your marriage and there hasn't been anything subsequently, so I wouldn't be too upset about this......Just my opinion


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I think she was fishing to see if she had made the right choice. 

However she dumped him and started seeing you. It sounds like he has moved on and wants nothing to do with her.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

then why was she saying that whether he is married or not is important to her?

I don't think this is just curiosity about his status.

And it makes me feel like a booby-prize that she decides to come on so strong with me only when he finally pushes her away.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

joseph1000 said:


> And it makes me feel like a booby-prize that she decides to come on so strong with me only when he finally pushes her away.


Yes , my thoughts exactly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Yeah the timing makes it look like a knee jerk reaction on her part to his dismissal of her. Not a good foundation for a relationship/marriage. Makes you plan B or the guy she settled for after the love of her life....the guy she really wanted dropped her!!! If she heard his zipper drop she would be running!!! Be very careful. She probably continues to follow his facebook page etc. Put a keylogger on her computer.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'd be willing to give the guy the benefit if the doubt-he seems on the up and up, but I couldn't shake that feeling that you were just there to fill the hole that he left in her life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't blame you for feeling like the doorprize. This has got to hurt.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I don't blame you for feeling like the doorprize. This has got to hurt.


This. 

I'd have a heart to heart conversation with her and ask her if she's really in love with you and over him. Plead with her to tell you the truth before she continues to mislead both of you and so can find happiness with someone completely devoted to you. Assure her that you'd be there for the baby but it's not fair on you to be trapped with someone that doesn't love you or sees you as a back up option.

I usually stay away from women that mess around with separated/divorcing men.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

It was probably really stupid but I texted him directly and asked him if there was anything still going on with him and my wife, this is what he texted back: (caps are his not mine)

If you contact me ever again I will get a lawyer, do you understand this? I do NOT want drama. I do not know why you wrote me but it sounds like you need relationship counseling NOW. Do NOT wait. My relationship with (my wife) has been OVER FOR 2 YEARS.

I really do love her and would like to make this work out. Should I show this text to her? I don't want her to totally flip out and think I've been spying on her or she has to run after him and get him back. All these terrible possibilities are going thru my mind right now.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It was a mistake to contact him , your wife may have been the reason why he divorced his wife and clarity set in . Leave him alone and deal with your wife. The issue you face is the nagging doubt that you were plan B , assume you are however only you can change that . The guy she was texting does not want anything to do with your wife in his eyes she is not even in a plan. What's worse you being plan B or her being rejected by her fancy.

Do yourself a huge favour , you and your wife should erase all his contact information , change all your numbers , if he has your email addresses change those as well . Block him from yours and your wife's Facebook and other social networking sites.

What else do you do , you suck it in and start giving her and everyone else a reason to see by your words and deeds that you are a man far better than the other guy . Your wife should see and know she is lucky to have you in her life .

If this continues to play on your mind , leave , no answer your wife gives you will satisfy you. It's your confidence , action , words and leadership that will demonstrate who you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am not sure what the problem is. Many people have to settle for second choice. I think even most. That doesnt mean when her first choice is available she will automatically drop you. 
You say you are happy with her. Never been happier in your life. Why spoil it.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

how about because she keeps old texts from him on her phone? Like keepsakes? Wouldn't that bug you?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

joseph1000 said:


> how about because she keeps old texts from him on her phone? Like keepsakes? Wouldn't that bug you?



It is a problem , all these saved messages and contact details have to be deleted. She is holding a torch for him and not helping you. One of your boundaries is for her to remove everything about him from her life.

Take her phone and delete the messages , change the saved number to a false one and deleted all the logs so she can't backtrack and look it up .

If she notices be honest and say yes you deleted them ..why is it a problem ? If she gets angry smile and say exe's and the momentos have no place in your marriage.

It's called manning up .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Block her phone from receiving calls and messages from his number and her phone from calling and texting his .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> It was probably really stupid but I texted him directly and asked him if there was anything still going on with him and my wife, this is what he texted back: (caps are his not mine)
> 
> If you contact me ever again I will get a lawyer, do you understand this? I do NOT want drama. I do not know why you wrote me but it sounds like you need relationship counseling NOW. Do NOT wait. My relationship with (my wife) has been OVER FOR 2 YEARS.
> 
> I really do love her and would like to make this work out. Should I show this text to her? I don't want her to totally flip out and think I've been spying on her or she has to run after him and get him back. All these terrible possibilities are going thru my mind right now.


 
You should take that up with her. IT CLEARLY SHOWS HE DOES NOT WANT HER IN THOSE TEXT. Your insecurities were directed at the WRONG person. That was not a good move.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Block her phone from receiving calls and messages from his number and her phone from calling and texting his .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
??????? Are you serious??? The dude she text does not want his wife............


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

shaylady said:


> ??????? Are you serious??? The dude she text does not want his wife............


But his wife wants him. As I said before Joseph, you're married to a person who isn't in love with you and clearly has feeling for the old dude.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> It was probably really stupid but I texted him directly and asked him if there was anything still going on with him and my wife, this is what he texted back: (caps are his not mine)
> 
> If you contact me ever again I will get a lawyer, do you understand this? I do NOT want drama. I do not know why you wrote me but it sounds like you need relationship counseling NOW. Do NOT wait. My relationship with (my wife) has been OVER FOR 2 YEARS.
> 
> I really do love her and would like to make this work out. Should I show this text to her? I don't want her to totally flip out and think I've been spying on her or she has to run after him and get him back. All these terrible possibilities are going thru my mind right now.


How much time between their break up and your marriage. Looks like they had only broken up a couple of months before you got married. I would ask his wife why they broke up.

Seems like he got very hot for what you asked him. No?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

shaylady said:


> ??????? Are you serious??? The dude she text does not want his wife............


Says who , the guy who's text messages she keeps. Since when do you believe them . My advice stands .

Without having the full detail from the poster, this could have been a exit affair or a first dip in the waters while the other guy was seperated from his wife.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

This is a very sad post. The wife, for being so needy, and the husband for looking at her phone. Where in the world is someones privacy and sanctity?


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## Savywife84 (Jan 2, 2012)

The old text thing would definitely bother me. I would talk to her about it. Something like that could make you insecure and doubt her until you confront her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife is fishing for the OM.

The OM has kids.

When the OM divorced, your wife was still interested in him.

You probably caught her on the rebound. Her feelings for the OM was still there when she started dating you.

Did she married you because of the baby?

Are you the father of the baby? Do you know for sure?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> This is a very sad post. The wife, for being so needy, and the husband for looking at her phone. Where in the world is someones privacy and sanctity?


Why would a married couple need to hide anything from their spouse?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Why would a married couple need to hide anything from their spouse?


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Why would a married couple need to hide anything from their spouse?


 
Not hide but maybe respect. If I saw those text, I'd be talking to the spouse. I'm not gonna reach out and confront an ex that I have insecurities of especially if he is strongly dissing her.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

shaylady: Yeah, I said it was stupid to text him and I know it now.

speakingforsomemen: I looked at the phone and found something, so wasn't I justified?

chapparal: the story she told me was that she would never date a married man, this man had been separated from his wife for some time but was always making excuses about the divorce. She knew he was not lying about being separated because she stayed at his place sometimes and met his kids.

Here is how it happened:

March 2010 - she tells him that she has met someone else (me) and is leaving him

August 2010 - she tells me that she has decided to date me exclusively

beginning of January 2011 - the text messages I was talking about

2nd half January 2011 - we concieve our child and start to plan to get married. Because her father became very sick we ended up marrying in September when he was better.

aug: she came on very strong and said how much she was sure I was her true love, and I knew she wanted marriage and a baby, so I thought this would be the right time. I think I'm the real father, but I think I should get this tested before I get obligated to pay support.

I was talking to a friend who just lost his wife to one of her old BFs and he told me to get out of this marriage ASAP, leaving on your own is hard but waiting for your wife to start lying to you and leave you is harder.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Joseph, don't listen to speakingforsomemen. First off, If you can watch someone in the most unattractive situations. Like stomach flu, or intestinal flu. If your wife can pick you up off the floor when you (or she) has had to much to drink. If you can hold your spouses head in your lap while she is wailing because of the death of her mom or dad. There is no need for privacy. There is no sanctity in privacy. THERE IS SANCTITY IN THE MARRIAGE, NOT IN PRIVACY. What do you think "Forsaking all others" "Cleave one to another"(that means to literally be connected to one another). Or "What God has brought together let no man put asunder". Where in any of the marriage vows, EVER, have you heard, "Show no interest or concern in the others fidelity" "Under no circumstances, ever investigate or question each other when they act withdrawn or start to treat you badly." And of course, who can forget the part of the vow that states. "If your spouse is in contact with an old flame, never snoop on them by employing GPS, VAR, DNA testing, or any other means of verification. You should blindly trust her until your peckar falls off from some STD she gets from her scumbag other man." 

Oh yes, speakingforsomemen should actually change his name to speakingforsomemenwholikebeingcuckoldedbyaskankywife.

This is an example of what is called "The new castrotie". Men who willingly hand over their testicles to their wives, for their safe keeping. Stay strong. Keep investigating, find enough info and then lower the boom.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

Thanks, I don't think there's that much more to investigate. I guess I could ask the ex what all the texts last Jan were about but I don't want him freaking out. I mean, is there any other interpretaition to put on this? She was trying to see if she could get one last chance at her REAL true love and when she couldn't, she figured I was good enough to donate some sperm so she wouldn't have to wait for her baby anymore. Maybe the ex will never come back, but if she went into this marriage thinking I was a booby-prize, that's not bound to change. I am not some kind of weakling, momma's boy or loser, so I don't understand what I am supposed to change about myself so that she suddenly loves me the best. And I don't think I should have to change myself anyway.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are those all the texts you found? I reread them and there really is no smoking gun. Yes what your thinking may be right but, everyone has doubts about whether or not they (she) are doing the right thing. He sure didn't sound interested.

Have you talked to her about it? She was trying to make life changing decisions at the time and was probably very worried. She was trying to figure if she was going to have babies with you. All the possibilites may not be bad. Even her interest in him being married could have just been a womans noseyness. It could have even showed her she did the right thing since his marriage was a failure.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

I don't care if he was interested in her, the main thing is that she was interested in him.

I'm going to talk to her but there are two things I really don't like:

1 - she didn't tell me that she was contacting him to ask him about these things. That's dishonest and there's no other way you can see this, she still has feelings for him that she never told me about.

2 - the timing. It will be interesting to see how she expalins that.

I have been reading some of the other threads here and now can understand how you can fall in love with someone without them being who you think they are. So my point of view on loving her has changed a lot.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You definitely want to confront her with the e-mails. You know as everyone here knows, she was checking to see if he would commit. He wouldn't so she figured, "I guess I'll have to settle". BS! I would tell her that maybe she is willing to settle for second best. But that your not willing to "play second best". Divorce her. Check the DNA on the baby. And then find someone true to love.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

can't believe it... first one of my best friends, then now me. These women must be NUTS.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Like everyone in this society is taught, pleasure without consequence. But the fact remains.......there are consequences.
It may not be ideal, but you both have (you and your friend) each others back. I can tell you there are a lot of people who wish they had a friend who could relate to what they're going through. Free yourself and find someone true. I wish I could find a kind, godly, funny, talented, self reliant, good personal hygene, well educated, soft spoken, tough talking, college educated and last but not least........COMMITTED, young man for my beautiful college educated daughter. But the pickings are thin on quality son in laws.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

I confronted her and she broke down crying and confessed that it was true, but that was at the time and now she realizes that she really did make the right decisions and really does love me.

I told her that I could not accept her hiding this when we were supposed to be exclusively dating, and also need an explnation for why she saved the texts on her phone until now. She said she doesn't know why she saved them. I told her: "that's not good enough. I don't want to be married to you 10 years and suddenly you decide you made the wrong decision and run to him."

She is totally broken up and just sits on the couch and won't talk, just cries. I called her parents and they are going to pick her up. They want to take the baby too. Should I allow this? To be honest I can't take care of the baby because I have to work. My parents might do it for me, but they are really not very responsible people with things like this.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Good on you man. She knows she's been deceiving you all along, as much as it hurts, you're her back up guy. I'd be careful with giving up the baby, they might interpret it as you not caring that much about it.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

I've decided to have my parents help and I will check in as often as I can.
This is really depressing. Some of my buddies have ended up divorcing because it just didn't work out, but none of them were ever not in love with their wives even at the beginning. It seems like it's something that women just do and think is ok. I have to live with this now, totally unfair.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> I've decided to have my parents help and I will check in as often as I can.
> This is really depressing. Some of my buddies have ended up divorcing because it just didn't work out, but none of them were ever not in love with their wives even at the beginning. It seems like it's something that women just do and think is ok. I have to live with this now, totally unfair.


Like you said, "I don't want to be married to you 10 years and suddenly you decide you made the wrong decision and run to him."

It's better to feel the hurt now than to continue living the humiliation of being the back up guy. And let's not forget you're only 27, you have a very long road ahead of you to find that girl that will reciprocate your love.

You don't want to be in a marriage where you're paranoid that your wife is still in love with her ex which will be the case forever if you take her back


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

joseph1000 said:


> I confronted her and she broke down crying and confessed that it was true, but that was at the time and now she realizes that she really did make the right decisions and really does love me.
> 
> I told her that I could not accept her hiding this when we were supposed to be exclusively dating, and also need an explnation for why she saved the texts on her phone until now. She said she doesn't know why she saved them. I told her: "that's not good enough. I don't want to be married to you 10 years and suddenly you decide you made the wrong decision and run to him."
> 
> She is totally broken up and just sits on the couch and won't talk, just cries. I called her parents and they are going to pick her up. They want to take the baby too. Should I allow this? To be honest I can't take care of the baby because I have to work. My parents might do it for me, but they are really not very responsible people with things like this.


I am ok with your confronting her , I am surprised you are having her leave. Be careful of that decision, regardless of what you try do the odds are she will get primary custody of your child. My advice is control your emotions, give her a safe environment to talk to you and an opportunity for both of you to work on any issues you have and make the marriage a better one.


Assuming you do decide to continue with the marriage , she goes NC and blocks him from all aspect of her life. Set the marriage boundaries for both of you.

BTW : I have a suspicion she was the OM's exit affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry Elizor. But she was the pursuer. I can see giving her a second chance if it was a drunken ONS. She decided to go after him. Now she gets to be a single mom at 32. Keep moving forward. Stay strong.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a really tough one. I originally had a whole different response before seeing the 3rd page. I think the confrontation was necessary. I'm surprised at her reaction.

Frankly, I think her reaction is very good. She could have tried to blow it off, but instead is being honest with you. I actually believe her - way back then, she still had feelings for him while dating you. But dude, she only was dating you a few months. So once that door was officially closed, she moved on. Granted, she moved on in a very severe way by asking to get pregnant.

Then after she moved on, she really let herself fall for you and have a life with you. Now you have to decide if this is okay. I do believe you have a committed wife now, but the beginnings came from the wrong place. It's up to you. I, for one, hope you can talk through this with her, see a counselor, and get past it. But I know that is easier said than done.

Regarding keeping the texts. I had a similar experience. My wife kept her last "goodbye" text exchange with her emotional affair partner after she ended it. I found them and asked her why she kept them. She basically said as a memento of their friendship. I told her to delete them and she did.

Good luck. I hope you don't give up on your marriage and try to work it out first through talking and counseling. After that, if you decide you just can't continue with it, so be it. But I hope you guys give it a shot first.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Gabriel has some good points. I guess you have to see how things go. Let her live with her parents. Maybe even date her. You need to know. If he was the love of her life. The last thing you want is her pining away for him. See how she pursues you now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't see how this belongs in CWI. There is no infidelity here that I can even remotely see. Also think OP has gone way overboard. Looks like he has other issues and is using this as an excuse.

I can't believe most people don't have any doubts before marriage. I can still remember pondering the high divorce rate the day I got married.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

chapparal said:


> I don't see how this belongs in CWI. There is no infidelity here that I can even remotely see. Also think OP has gone way overboard. Looks like he has other issues and is using this as an excuse.



Agree; the reaction seems way out and disproportional .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Gabriel has some good points. I guess you have to see how things go. Let her live with her parents. Maybe even date her. You need to know. If he was the love of her life. The last thing you want is her pining away for him. See how she pursues you now.


Why play games? That's like playing with fire. 

You can't fix a marriage when you're not together. To me, it sounds like he was not meeting some of his wife's needs, and she inappropriately went looking to have them met elsewhere. It doesn't matter if he was the 'love of her life' - what matters is that they use this incident as a building block so that it never happens again. And I think if they work on meeting each other's needs, they will build a stronger marriage and he will become the love of her life.

I think the poster should look at this as a bullet dodged, and an opportunity to rebuild his marriage. I'm not sure how that can be done if she goes to live with her parents.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Committed - I don't agree with your point on this, respectfully. They were only dating a few months while she was fishing for her ex-lover. This wasn't about meeting needs, IMO. She wasn't over her ex. Once the ex closed the door, she focused on the OP, asked to get pregnant and start a life with him. How is the OP dodging a bullet? That bullet was fired before their relationship even began.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Committed - I don't agree with your point on this, respectfully. They were only dating a few months while she was fishing for her ex-lover. This wasn't about meeting needs, IMO. She wasn't over her ex. Once the ex closed the door, she focused on the OP, asked to get pregnant and start a life with him. How is the OP dodging a bullet? That bullet was fired before their relationship even began.


Their relationship dodged a bullet because OM shut his wife down. I'm sorry, but if he was meeting her needs I don't think she would have been trolling for OM. 

Regardless, if they want to stay together they need to BE together and work on meeting each other's needs.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

committedwife said:


> Regardless, if they want to stay together they need to BE together and work on meeting each other's needs.


Agree 100% with this part. Separation just makes it worse. They need to be together to work this out.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

committedwife said:


> Their relationship dodged a bullet because OM shut his wife down. I'm sorry, but if he was meeting her needs I don't think she would have been trolling for OM.
> 
> Regardless, if they want to stay together they need to BE together and work on meeting each other's needs.


I think there's bits and pieces missing from this story, I just find it strange that two people would quickly jump into having a child when she was clearly not over OM. just saying


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

People, I did not throw her out. I needed her to come clean on why she still had the ex-BFs texts on her phone and she just folded in on herself and wouldn't talk to me any more. I called her parents because I didn't know what else to do.

This is a 32 year-old woman and not some teenager remember. Something is not right here.

committedwife - I think the only need I wasn't meeting was not being him. I read this stuff about "meeting needs" and it almost sounds like there's this idea that you can take any 2 people at random, have them "meet each others needs" and watch them have a happy marriage. You can meet someone elses needs all you want but if she's into someone else you're not going to make it.

Anyway her father came over and took her away, she wouldnt look at me or talk to me. He said he was sorry for all of this and would call me later on, so there are definitely bits and pieces missing. This situation is SO jacked. But I have to deal with my child first and deal with her after.

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You did the best thing for now. You needed time to go through what you're feeling and having her around just sitting like a rock doesn't help you or her.

Maybe the time apart will clear your mind of distractions and you'll be able to make a decision to see if you still want to be with her or not.

Only you can decide that, no one else can do it because we won't be living with her for the rest of our lives.

We can all give advice and you just have to take the advice that best helps you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sounds like she just went into shock. She can't believe the jig is up on what she did. Remember one thing though....she wanted to get pregnant immediately. Isn't that fishy to you? Maybe the ex OM and her had sex around that time for one last hurrah, then he dumped her, and in case she got pregnant by that romp, she wanted some from you too so that it would make sense the kid was yours??

I doubt that happened, but it's not impossible. Just a thought. In reality she is probably just in shock and needs to get herself together. Her world is rocked right now.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

To be honest, the way I feel right now, I almost hope the child is not mine. I know that's really rotten but I feel really messed over.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> Sounds like she just went into shock. She can't believe the jig is up on what she did. Remember one thing though....she wanted to get pregnant immediately. Isn't that fishy to you? Maybe the ex OM and her had sex around that time for one last hurrah, then he dumped her, and in case she got pregnant by that romp, she wanted some from you too so that it would make sense the kid was yours??
> 
> I doubt that happened, but it's not impossible. Just a thought. In reality she is probably just in shock and needs to get herself together. Her world is rocked right now.


get a perternaty test.

she had an awfull reaction to you finding out about some texts.
sounds like the kind if reaction someone who got knocked up by their boy friend and was hiding it would react.

and then she left without the baby what mother in her right mind would leave with out her baby? one that want you to think its your would.



hope I'm wrong on all accounts but better to be safe than sorry.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> get a perternaty test.
> 
> she had an awfull reaction to you finding out about some texts.
> sounds like the kind if reaction someone who got knocked up by their boy friend and was hiding it would react.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

What a strange reaction to your questioning her about those text messages and subsequently catching her lying. Stone cold silence.....crying....then her father picks her up and removes her from the home...and leaves the child behind? I don't get it? That is very strange behavior that would raise so many red flags and new questions for me. It's pretty simple and easy to get a DNA test with results in few days. Solve that mystery first because it is the most important one in my book.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah, the more I think about this, the more I think it's very possible she asked to get pregnant by the new guy so the kid would have a dad.

Get the test. If the kid isn't yours, the decision becomes very easy. If the kid is yours, then try to work this out with her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

And can you imagine, hatching that plan, having the plan WORK for a year, and because you stupidly left some texts on your phone it looks like your whole plan is shattered?? That would warrant the reaction she's having, not just some texts asking if her ex got married.

This may also explain the ex's harsh reaction and threat if they contact him again.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> If you contact me ever again I will get a lawyer, do you understand this? I do NOT want drama. I do not know why you wrote me but it sounds like you need relationship counseling NOW. Do NOT wait. My relationship with (my wife) has been OVER FOR 2 YEARS.


I'm not certain the circumstances warrant all this suspicion. I think that reading too many CWI threads can make you assume the worst. But I thought the text back from this man was pretty over-the-top. I'd probably need a paternity test to put my mind at ease.

It is also possible too that there is absolutely nothing under the surface here. Your wife, a couple months into dating you, put out some feelers to a former lover that she had obviously been invested in. He rejected her inquiries.

Now if the texts were Jan 1 2012, then a whole different story.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Yo Joe,

I read this whole thread and never once saw the following question asked:

"Joe, how does this situation make you feel???"

Figure that out for yourself.

Then go tell your wife how it makes you FEEL.

THEN, this is important,

Ask your wife how she feels.

Be a good husband here and support her as best you can. You guys can use this as a tremendous growth opportunity.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, there is the chance that she married him for the stability, so the kid would have a legit father. But she may have planned all along to find Mr. Wonderful outside of the M, and now the fantasy of having the best of both worlds is over-she cried because SHE GOT CAUGHT, and now everything is ruined.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

Chillymorn - they wanted to take the baby but I said that I would take care of him myself. She was not in a condition to take care of him and I think I have more right than her parents do in that case.

Saki - I did say how it made me feel, like a booby-prize. I told my wife how it made me feel and she said that I shouldn't feel like that because she was really in love with me. We didn't get as far as how she felt because when I asked why she kept those texts, she had her collapse.

I have to ask what the "growth opportunity" is supposed to be. The way this is looking now:

I am not perfect but don't do drugs, don't gamble, don't hit my wife and don't commit crimes. I keep myself fit and have a good job. I share in the household work. My wife and I did many things together and I always tried to make sure that I participated in the things she wanted to do. We talked a lot together and I always made a point of showing her every day that I loved and cared for her. I truly believe that you have to work every day to keep your relationship going. I know this might still all sound unimaginative the way I am saying it, but man, I really did do my best to make our life together something special.

But because she can't get over the ex-BF, I am supposed to do even extra-more to try and measure up to the ex-BF in her head, and that is supposed to be my "growth opportunity." I get no credit for who I am, instead, I am supposed to "man up" more. Am I getting you right?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Wow may be he is the real father of the child, maybe she reacted the way she did because he seemed to jump over the deep end over a few text. Wow maybe all the advice to leave, run, run away is not helping at all. Really what a shame that this has become a thread of some sad horrible comment mess. 

I think that this is a case of not enough info for anyone to really tell him to just leave and his suspisions being fanned by people who are blindly guessing what is what.

I think that you should seek IC and MC. After all there is a child's welbeing involved and I believe that you have been hurt but the answer is not to hurt her back. If that child is yours then you have forever to deal with the mother and no man should treat the mother of his child like crap ever! 

I hope every horrible suspision filled comment on here is wrong because that would be heart breaking. I hope you can step out of your emotions long enough to figure out what you want to do. It is ok to have emotions but to let them lead you around is dangerouse.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I hope those possibilities are wrong also. And if they are, it seems this is salvagable. Having them be in separate homes is the opposite of what they need. They need to do a lot of talking, but the OP should also get the test, just in case.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Wow did you never date anyone have a crush on someone before your wife. Your heart has not only ever been her's so the same would be said for her there was thoes before you does not mean that you were second choice unless she is your second choice. 

Come on you are being too harsh her and until you know from her the realities all you are doing is going around and around in your head and causing more pain then you should.

Get your self to some IC because that would truley be manning up and owning that you are human and need help sorting things out in your life and mind and heart.

Best of luck hope all comes out well for you


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Kuriosity I’m sorry but her behavior when he confronted her was very strange and raises some suspicion. He said they have had a good relationship and they talk a lot together. Now when she is confronted with the text messages she clams up and collapses? 
I guess I would better understand this whole thing if we knew if that is how she usually reacts to difficult or challenging situations? I know plenty of 32 year old women and NONE of them would “collapse” or have a nervous breakdown over something like this and have their parents pick them up and leave their own home. He also stated that when her father arrived to get her she did not look him in the eye or even try to say something like hey let’s sit down like adults and talk about this because you are way off base here buddy. She didn’t even try to defend herself….unfortunately that in itself raises suspicion and unanswered questions. Regardless, you obviously have to talk with her when emotions are not so raw. Best wishes…


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Joseph----you really messed this one up--didn't you.

Look at the time line---she texted him 6 or 7 months after you met her, so you were going together, so she didn't erase the texts---SO WHAT----she wasn't contacting him, when you found the texts---she wasn't doing ANYTHING WRONG, ---Maybe she was curious as to what was happening in his life

The two of you were not mutually exclusive, and even if she was sounding him out---so what---you weren't locked into each other.----He gave you all the answer you needed, when he told you to get lost. She has done nothing wrong since those texts, and here you are blowing up your mge.

She had a past---everyone HAS A PAST---some people do not get over relationships that easy, and do have memories---BUT SHE NEVER ACTED ON THEM, ONCE SHE WAS COMMITTED TO YOU

What devious motives do you have----WHY WOULD YOU BLOW UP A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP, for some texts, that occured 18 months ago----and where there was CLEARLY no evidence of any wrong doing going on.

IMHO---the BEST thing FOR your wife---is to be RID OF YOU!!!!!!


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> I am not perfect but don't do drugs, don't gamble, don't hit my wife and don't commit crimes. I keep myself fit and have a good job. I share in the household work. My wife and I did many things together and I always tried to make sure that I participated in the things she wanted to do. We talked a lot together and I always made a point of showing her every day that I loved and cared for her. I truly believe that you have to work every day to keep your relationship going. I know this might still all sound unimaginative the way I am saying it, but man, I really did do my best to make our life together something special.
> 
> But because she can't get over the ex-BF, I am supposed to do even extra-more to try and measure up to the ex-BF in her head, and that is supposed to be my "growth opportunity." I get no credit for who I am, instead, I am supposed to "man up" more. Am I getting you right?


No one's telling you to man up, but it sounds to me like you feel entitled to brush it all away because of how she felt before. You're not even giving her the benefit of a doubt as to whether her feelings for you (and lack of it for the OM) is true at all.

I have to agree with everyone that something doesn't sound right...but in this case...to me what doesn't sound right is that you seem to just be looking for a reason to get out.  If your relationship is really as good as you say it is, and you really did/do love her...I can't figure out why you're not sitting on this first and fighting for it before throwing in the towel. 

And yeah, do get a paternity test, but don't go jumping to conclusions before the results are out!!! If it does turn out to be your child, shame on you for even wishing it weren't just so it would be easier for you to point a finger at your wife.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Then again, the way the XBF reacted when joseph contacted him suggests that he is desperate that his new W does not find out that he may have a baby with another woman.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey F-102-----that is just one big supposition---you don't know anything about how the XBF feels, or the reasons for his reaction.---There are numerous possible reasons for his reaction, and no one including Joseph knows why.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> But because she can't get over the ex-BF, I am supposed to do even extra-more to try and measure up to the ex-BF in her head, and that is supposed to be my "growth opportunity." I get no credit for who I am, instead, I am supposed to "man up" more. Am I getting you right?


Yo Joe,

You get lots of credit for who you are. Sounds like you were a great husband. Sounds like you handled this situation pretty well, from my point of view. You are doing a great job.

Also sounds like your wife is having a hard time of things. Try to put her shoes on. Sounds like she wasn't such a terrible wife. She probably has little to no control over her feelings for this man. Sounds to me like she needs some help. Maybe you aren't the person to provide that help, but you can provide support and encouragement for her to go get that help.

If you continue to be angry about this situation, I suspect you really haven't told her all your feelings. Did you tell her about your fear that she would leave you for this man?? Are you willing to admit that fear to yourself?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Hey F-102-----that is just one big supposition---you don't know anything about how the XBF feels, or the reasons for his reaction.---There are numerous possible reasons for his reaction, and no one including Joseph knows why.


It is just a theory, but not entirely impossible. I read the previous threads where people have told him to get a DNA test, and the way the XBF felt he had to threaten joseph leads me to think that there is much, MUCH more than what he knows.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

This is my biggest fear, to have someone you love being still emotionally attached to their ex. She married you to get her mind of him, she's completely sadistic.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Have her write down her thoughts while she is at her parents. She needs to be alone, to realize what she has lost. And to truly ponder whether she loves her husband or the boyfriend. When she figures out what her real feelings are, then maybe she could convince her husband to give her another chance. But the choice is his.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

I got the DNA test and he is my child.

She calls every day to see how he is doing and has visited once but won't answer any of my questions about the ex-BF or the texts.

jnj express - say what you want, but if she's pulling the trigger with me because he's rejecting her, she should tell me that. If she still had feelings for him, she should have told me so that I could make an informed decision. Those texts are not innocent, man. Read them again and tell me how you get "just curiosity" out of them. What is "It is important to me!!!" supposed to mean? And why is she pressing him on it after he told her he didn't want to talk about it? If you still want to give her the benefit of whatever doubt because something about it tweaks you a particular way, go right ahead.

DesperateHeart - read what I said to jnj express above. She should have told me the truth going in. The entire marriage is jive if it started with her shining me on. It doesnt matter if I think I love her, you can read it 100s of times on here, people find out that their spouses are not really the people they thought. So who is it really that I love? And what was real for her and what was not? And don't get into the "shame on you" bit. As if I have no cause to be hurt and confused myself. And who's giving up? All I did was ask for the truth and didn't get it. She still refuses to say anything.

Saki - I'm not afraid any more that she will leave me, I can live without her. Other people can preach at me all they want about how it is not really that important to be your spouse's first choice, but it is about my life and my future. It stopped being about "our life and our marriage" at the time she chose to hide stuff from me. Right now I feel like it is a piece of paper nothing more.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

At least the paternity issue is settled. Joseph, I think I would be less concerned with first choice or second choice than about how she reacted. The reaction you described was not normal and the fact that she is still not talking to you about it really is weird. If you already haven't done so I would seriously consider MC because it sounds like she is completely avoiding this issue.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How does she actually refuse to talk about it? How is she acting. Is she afraid, mad, distraught, other? Its sounds like she is afraid. How are you approaching her? Calm,reserved, angry, threatening?

Remember, you catch more flies with sugar than salt.

What has she talked with you about? Anything?

Does this not shock you that she could leave her child like this?

Does she look like she's afraid of you? Did she come to the house alone?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> . Other people can preach at me all they want about how it is not really that important to be your spouse's first choice, but it is about my life and my future. It stopped being about "our life and our marriage" at the time she chose to hide stuff from me. Right now I feel like it is a piece of paper nothing more.


Agree with you completely here. And suppose that ex bf decides he wants her back, do you think she'll not go back with him? I mean geez you haven't even hit that itch in your marriage yet and she's already asking about him. You can live without her and support your son but you deserve to be someone's first choice.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Agree with you completely here. And suppose that ex bf decides he wants her back, do you think she'll not go back with him? I mean geez you haven't even hit that itch in your marriage yet and she's already asking about him. You can live without her and support your son but you deserve to be someone's first choice.


Did I miss something? I thought all this happened while you were dating?


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

Beowulf - I've been thinking about counseling and I am not sure that it is worth it. Whatever she did, she did it, and it's not like I am obligated to continue with this marriage just because I was enough of a sucker to believe her.

Chapparal - she doesn't freak out, she just says "I can't tell you if I don't know it myself, please stop asking me." I have told her that I don't like being the plan B and she says that I see things too black and white. When I ask if she still has feelings for him she says that she still remembers him. She won't say anything else. I don't know what that is all supposed to mean.

She wants our son but I will not give him to her and her parents are in support of my decision. She does come to the house alone and no, I don't think she is afraid of me. Her father keeps on apologizing every time he talks to me.

This did all happen while we were dating but we were definitely in a serious relationship at the time (I thought). She wanted a child with me and wanted to marry me only after he cut her off, so it might not of been a true affair but it was still dishonest. This is about the whole beginning of my marriage, man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

joseph1000 said:


> Beowulf - I've been thinking about counseling and I am not sure that it is worth it. Whatever she did, she did it, and it's not like I am obligated to continue with this marriage just because I was enough of a sucker to believe her.
> 
> Chapparal - she doesn't freak out, she just says "I can't tell you if I don't know it myself, please stop asking me." I have told her that I don't like being the plan B and she says that I see things too black and white. When I ask if she still has feelings for him she says that she still remembers him. She won't say anything else. I don't know what that is all supposed to mean.
> 
> ...


Didn't she break up with the other boyfriend to be with you?

My wife can still get upset about the girl I was dating before her. That was over thirty years ago. I just don't understand it.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> Other people can preach at me all they want about how *it is not really that important to be your spouse's first choice*, but it is about my life and my future.


Whoever told you that stupid sh!t is really out of touch. I mean really... how [email protected]#$ing absurd is that? You _are_ supposed to be your spouse's "_one and only_," his/her "_A-number one_."


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Didn't she break up with the other boyfriend to be with you?
> 
> My wife can still get upset about the girl I was dating before her. That was over thirty years ago. I just don't understand it.


I thought she broke up with him because she wanted to be with me, but it looks like she broke up with him because she was pissed at him and wanted to make a point and force him to decide. Chances are that I could have been anyone.

The point is that I want the truth about this whole situation, and she won't give it to me. Is that something you just let slide? If the answer is yes, what secrets are allowed and what's not allowed?


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

JustaJerk said:


> Whoever told you that stupid sh!t is really out of touch. I mean really... how [email protected]#$ing absurd is that? You _are_ supposed to be your spouse's "_one and only_," his or her "_A-number one_."


yeah I thought that, but read back to the first page, man. There's someone saying being second choice is totally cool, that's what most people get anyway. That's pretty sad if its true.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Yeah, I saw it. Did you notice the username? I guess this person "accept" whatever is being dealt to them... what a shame.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Sounds like your mind is made up. Either you want to save your marriage or not. So if you want out, then stop whining about it. Just get out and let it be over with.


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## joseph1000 (Jan 1, 2012)

That's funny - as if it were up to me alone to save.

I'm ready to listen as soon as she wants to start telling me what this all means. I told her that. If there's no talking, there's no marriage anyway. That's where my mind is made up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well, it looks like your hurting each other now, a stand off thats taking you both down. Good luck.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

any update joseph?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> This is a very sad post. The wife, for being so needy, and the husband for looking at her phone. Where in the world is someones privacy and sanctity?


No such thing as privacy in a marriage my friend.


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