# He doesn't see what I really need



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I just can't sleep tonight. I'm so upset that my Husbsnd doesn't see what I really need even though I've voiced it in so many ways. I feel like he I just give snd give snd he asks for what he needs snd after that he just goes to sleep. I'm do depressed tonight that I can't sleep and I can't stay in bed, on our last night together. He's leaving early early tomorrow morning to work in another state. He has no safe that he's coming back for a visit. 

What I need is sex and since he's leaving, I'm not going to get it for months on end. His love language is touch too, but not for sex. Tonight he wanted me to touch his back and rub him. He likes me to look for any skin perfections, I don't know why he likes me to check his skin. He does rub my leg while he's doing it but nothing else. 

I want to touch him somewhere else. Last time we had sex, I didn't get to touch his penis or even look at it. 

He's very very reserved too. When ever he's gone away for work in the past he has never done phone sex or video sex. We have all technology to do it. Part of the reason last year I was driven to have an online affair was because of his turning me down for sex. 

I can't tell him how hurt I am for me giving him what he said he needed because he's going to be gone for a long time...and me not getting what I needed even though I even at first told him no because I won't get what I need. I'm so hurt they I can't breathe. I'll probably tell him sometime once he's gone and settled and working 

I don't even want to sleep next to him tonight even though tonight is the last night that I can. I just feel too hurt and I can't hold it in, I don't want to keep him up all night with how I feel when he has to drive 12 hrs tomorrow without me. I know he's going to notice that I'm gone and be hurt and he's going to flash back to when I had the affair before he knew what was wrong then way back in July and August last year
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you tell him tonight what you wanted or needed? Being subtle is a luxury you might not have available to you. 

C
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I told him I really needed it. I told him I don't have my toy anymore. He already knows since he threw it away because it would not keep its speed even with new batteries. I told him yesterday before we found out that I can't go with him, that if I couldn't go with him that he needed to get laid before he goes. He said he agreed. 

Btw the reason I can't go is because of our limited funds from moving out of our house that we just lost. I was going to go with him for a couple weeks then fly back home. He says he is really really bummed that I can't go with him. I've asked and asked what the reason is for him wanting me to go (his idea in the first place) and he says he just wants me there. 

I have a feeling the real reason is because he can't perform sexually in his parents house and he wanted me to go with him so he could perform sexually
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Maybe once he is settled there and has gotten a job there, he might be able to tell me why he couldn't have sex before he left. 

He's possibly not coming home until September. Although there is a house available for rent in August where he is going. He's mentioned once about coming home in September, so it's confusing. I don't even want to think that we will be together again in August. Something could fall through, just like every other living situation
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## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

Dont beat around the bush. dont be shy. Just friggin tell him in direct terms what u want/need. If you're insecure about doing that i suggest getting help for that. wish my wife would.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Blue, I think you know that I am quite fond of you, so I hope you take this in the friendly spirit in which it is intended.

You've posted on quite a few different threads, but putting things together, what struck me was that _he wanted you to go with him_. Right? And you did not, for various reasons that I'm sure are valid, and then you talked a lot about needing a new "toy".

Is it possible that he feels like you don't care about him or value him as a person, but you just want the sex? That could explain the no sex last night, if he feels like he's easily replaceable by a "toy".

Just thinking, I might be way out in left field.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Blue, I think you know that I am quite fond of you, so I hope you take this in the friendly spirit in which it is intended.
> 
> You've posted on quite a few different threads, but putting things together, what struck me was that _he wanted you to go with him_. Right? And you did not, for various reasons that I'm sure are valid, and then you talked a lot about needing a new "toy".
> 
> ...


I didn't get any sleep at all last night. My husband left this morning around 5am. He asked me why I was so upset and why I didn't sleep at all last night. I told him that I really wanted to make love last night before he left for months. He said he had so much anxiety because he didn't want to leave me here that he just couldn't perform. he said if he had not had so much anxiety about leaving me that we would have made love.

He called me 3 times today during his drive. He said he was so lonely and he really wished I was with him. I had posted on my FB how I was wishing to be in the car with him where ever he was at.

This morning after he left I did find my stash of toys. I thought most of them had been thrown away in the move. What I have will get me by until I can go to a nice adult store we have here.

As far as being able to tell my husband what i want, I've been much better at it than I used to be. My husband seems tobe the one that can't tell me what he wants. Before our seperation I was too afraid to tell him anything, but then he had made me that way. There was once a time that I was very open before things started falling apart...which ironically things started to fall apart the first time he traveled for work in 06-07 and then again in 09. I think thats why I was so upset about him travling again. Before his first travel adventure we had a great sex life 2-3 times per week. I remmeber sometimes me saying "again?" He was also more adventurius. I have told him that I want to be more adventurious. Told him about my fantasies. I do think he listens because 2 weeks ago was the very first time he ever used a toy on me, then finished with great sex. I told him that I hope that wouldn't be the last time he used a toy because I very much enjoyed it.

I have also let him know that I enjoy him buying me toys.

I also think that if there was not so much stress since our getting back together that our sex life would be much much better. Everything else is much better. Its like we are in hysterical bonding without having sex everyday or even once a week. he is always touching me, always texting me he loves me, always writing little notes to me on his Iphone.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Blue, I think you know that I am quite fond of you, so I hope you take this in the friendly spirit in which it is intended.
> 
> You've posted on quite a few different threads, but putting things together, what struck me was that _he wanted you to go with him_. Right? And you did not, for various reasons that I'm sure are valid, and then you talked a lot about needing a new "toy".
> 
> ...


One other thing that I forget to comment on. I did want to go with him, but I was queationing why he wanted me to go with him so badly this time. Because hes traveled befroe and always acted like he couldn't wait to get away and didn't keep much in contact. Sure he did call me everyday, but it wasn't the kinds of calls I'm getting from him this time. This time his calls are that he is so lonely and he misses me so much. I miss him too more than I ever did when ever he traveled before. 

I was afraid that maybe he was having flash backs to our seperation or that he didn't trust me.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Therapy. If he's really unable to perform, every time you bring up sex just reinforces his shame and makes the problem worse. The less sex you get, the more you want it, the more you beg for it, the more shame he feels, the less able he is to provide it. Get therapy.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Drover said:


> Therapy. If he's really unable to perform, every time you bring up sex just reinforces his shame and makes the problem worse. The less sex you get, the more you want it, the more you beg for it, the more shame he feels, the less able he is to provide it. Get therapy.


Therapy is not an option right now as he has just left to work out of state. WE do have a marriage counselor though. 

I plan to fly to see him, but don't know when as of right now. I have some things to get out of the way before I can fly out. Probably be about a month or so until I can fly out or longer. Our anniversary is IN the begining of August which I don't want to be apart for our anniversary this year since last years anniversary really really sucked!! We are so much more emotionally connected now.


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