# Divorced for 6 weeks Ex Wife initiating contact although she has a new boyfriend



## Dusty72

Hi all TAM Guys and Girls
Need a bit of advice , my divorce was finalised about 6 weeks ago , although since the ink has dried on my decree absolute , my wife has been getting in contact with me...
The day before i got the papers in the mail , she text me after saying that it was finalised ...I texted her back saying "ok" , she then replied ..."what just ok?"
Since then she has contacted me asking for help with her work assignments , and a couple of weeks ago text me out of the blue saying "haven't heard from you in a while , are you ok , are you Happy?" i replied "Yes I'm good thanks" I then proceeded to ask her out for a meal as it was her birthday coming up.
anyway , we had a nice meal and she said that she misses our marriage , but because of her trust issues with me , she couldn't agree with us getting back together ...plus she has a boyfriend , she has been seeing for about 3 months..
We have arranged to meet next week for an evening dog walk and coffee..but she is confusing me.
Bit of background for you , have been with her for 5 years married for 3.5 years , her trust issue was around me drinking (not excessively) , but to her it was ...plus when she filed for divorce around Sept 2015 , she was entering her menopause...
Now I love my Ex Wife to bits and never wanted to divorce ...however I want her back but she has this new guy ....I asked her if there was a chance as i have changed but she just wants to be friends at the moment and take it slowly and see where it leads us...any advice greatly appreciated, thanks


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## Lostinthought61

Wait wait wait......please do not beg, woman hate men who beg, look if you want her back in your life, than have her pursue you, being dropping the boyfriend....please don't act like a doormat. And continue to work on yourself.


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## GuyInColorado

Why don't you start dating? Confidence issues?

You seem like a doormat and a guy with no confidence. Work out, eat and drink healthy. Get some new clothes. Go explore some new pu$$y and have fun. She divorced you because she found someone new and exciting. Don't take her back.


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## Dusty72

i have been dating ....and I am seeing someone albeit for a month , but my ex was really beautiful , yes I am seeing nice girls but and was ready to move on ....just wondering what my exes motive is and why she is trying to initiate contact again???


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## Dusty72

I have been dating , i am seeing someone else now for about a month , but my ex wife is beautiful...i suppose i just want to know what her motives are for getting back in touch with me , even though she has a new guy now ?????


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> I have been dating , i am seeing someone else now for about a month , but my ex wife is beautiful...i suppose i just want to know what her motives are for getting back in touch with me , even though she has a new guy now ?????



She wants to keep you on the hook as an option. The less available you are to her the more attractive you will be. If you don't believe me try it. Cut contact with her, don't reply to texts (unless it is an actual emergency) don't call her and stop being her "friend", start working on yourself.


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## yellerstang03

Dusty72 said:


> Hi all TAM Guys and Girls
> Need a bit of advice , my divorce was finalised about 6 weeks ago , although since the ink has dried on my decree absolute , my wife has been getting in contact with me...
> The day before i got the papers in the mail , she text me after saying that it was finalised ...I texted her back saying "ok" , she then replied ..."what just ok?"
> Since then she has contacted me asking for help with her work assignments , and a couple of weeks ago text me out of the blue saying "haven't heard from you in a while , are you ok , are you Happy?" i replied "Yes I'm good thanks" I then proceeded to ask her out for a meal as it was her birthday coming up.
> anyway , we had a nice meal and she said that she misses our marriage , but because of her trust issues with me , she couldn't agree with us getting back together ...plus she has a boyfriend , she has been seeing for about 3 months..
> We have arranged to meet next week for an evening dog walk and coffee..but she is confusing me.
> Bit of background for you , have been with her for 5 years married for 3.5 years , her trust issue was around me drinking (not excessively) , but to her it was ...plus when she filed for divorce around Sept 2015 , she was entering her menopause...
> Now I love my Ex Wife to bits and never wanted to divorce ...however I want her back but she has this new guy ....I asked her if there was a chance as i have changed but she just wants to be friends at the moment and take it slowly and see where it leads us...any advice greatly appreciated, thanks


I think you need a reality check.

Your ex-wife sounds like someone that (A) makes decisions out of emotions and possible (B) someone that has no control over their emotions. I'm sure she is beautiful, but these are not good attributes in a partner. Unless she can demonstrate otherwise over time, I would stay away and move on with your life. That will be even more attractive to her.

Sounds like she is also testing to see if you "volunteer" to be Plan B material. If and when you speak with her, do not tolerate any discussion of her current boyfriend. She will lose respect for you and you will get stuck in the friend zone.


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## Dusty72

Thanks Kristin and Yellerstang , I pretty much thought she was keeping me as a plan B and you are both right , i will not contact her , how about this for a text to her:

"Hi babe ,you know how i feel about you , but i can't be doing this false friendship BS , If you want to get things back on in a romantic level , then it will be lovely to hear from you , you have my number , call me ....if not please do not contact me ever again as i need to move on in my life"

something like that , what do you think , good idea?


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Kristin and Yellerstang , I pretty much thought she was keeping me as a plan B and you are both right , i will not contact her , how about this for a text to her:
> 
> "Hi babe ,you know how i feel about you , but i can't be doing this false friendship BS , If you want to get things back on in a romantic level , then it will be lovely to hear from you , you have my number , call me ....if not please do not contact me ever again as i need to move on in my life"
> 
> something like that , what do you think , good idea?


I wouldn't even do that. I know it might sound immature to you but if you want her back don't text her the message above. Just drop off with contact and stop the light "dating". Don't tell her you need to move on with your life, just do it.


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## Dusty72

Thanks Kristin, 

Actually , that makes sense , it is totally drastic and could backfire , i will take your advice and drop the contact ....I am going away this weekend and texted her earlier today to call me on sunday evening when i get back if she wanted to meet up next week (she did want to initially meet up , but she couldn't as she just realized that she was going to a concert on the day we arranged)....
Will she call , i'm not sure , but i will not call her ....
Thanks sound Advice


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Kristin,
> 
> Actually , that makes sense , it is totally drastic and could backfire , i will take your advice and drop the contact ....I am going away this weekend and texted her earlier today to call me on sunday evening when i get back if she wanted to meet up next week (she did want to initially meet up , but she couldn't as she just realized that she was going to a concert on the day we arranged)....
> Will she call , i'm not sure , but i will not call her ....
> Thanks sound Advice



It doesn't need to be stone cold, but you need to stop dangling from her hook. She knows you want her back, she has a BF...She is totally cake eating. 

Go away this weekend and don't text her at all. When she calls you don't have to answer, but if you do keep it brief and vague. You had a good time over the weekend, don't elaborate. Don't ask her to hang out and if she asks you to, you are busy. Again do not elaborate on why you are busy...


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## Dusty72

Yes she is cake eating .....I'm actually going away with my new girlfriend, so she might be jealous .....thing is i do want to hang out with her at some point , I just don't want to come across as needy...
If she sets a date ...of course i will want to go ....do you think I should play it cool...im so worried she will start to get more involved with her new boyfriend..i want to be in the picture at least...but not act as if i Need her


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Yes she is cake eating .....I'm actually going away with my new girlfriend, so she might be jealous .....thing is i do want to hang out with her at some point , I just don't want to come across as needy...
> If she sets a date ...of course i will want to go ....do you think I should play it cool...im so worried she will start to get more involved with her new boyfriend..i want to be in the picture at least...but not act as if i Need her



Your ultimate goal is to get your Ex back correct?

If the answer is yes, you need to stop being seen as an "option". Just the fact that you are tripping over yourself to stay in contact and hang out with her, she is satisfied that you are still safely hung up on her and she will let you sit there in her trophy chest.

You need to stop being her "friend"! She will keep you on the back burner indefinitely if you allow her to, do you get that?

I know you want to spend time with her, I know you are afraid to cut contact. If your goal is to get her back you need to let her figure out that she wants that, she won't do that unless she feels you are going to move on if she doesn't. I know it is scary but playing this "game" is the best way out of this limbo.


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## Dusty72

So Kristin , thanks for everything you have said ...but what do i do then , do i tell her i dont want to be her friend ???
Yes I want my Ex wife back ...so much , i do get that but im not sure , i thought if i can be firends then its a foot in the door as opposed to go No contact !!
Im so confused !!


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## Dusty72

So I dont contact her , my ex wife is stubborn though , she will think that because we have started to become friends , me pi$$ing her off , she will just think i'm annoyed and arsey ...if you get my drift?


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> So Kristin , thanks for everything you have said ...but what do i do then , do i tell her i dont want to be her friend ???
> Yes I want my Ex wife back ...so much , i do get that but im not sure , i thought if i can be firends then its a foot in the door as opposed to go No contact !!
> Im so confused !!



I don't know the entire back story of your relationship. I've been giving you general advice I'd give any of my guy friends. I'll read your back posts to see if I am at all off base on what I am telling you to do. 

I know that you think being her friend is a foot in the door, but the "friend zone" applies to Ex's too. My Ex is there right now. He is doing what you are doing hoping I will take him back. I am enjoying my life as a single person. I don't have to clean up after him, listen to him snore (though my dog does that), we go out for dinner when I feel like it, text and talk on the phone and he does more around the house now than he did when he lived here. If he stopped texting me and asking me if he could take me out to dinner, I'd start to wonder what he was doing...But that hasn't happened yet.

Have you told your wife that you want her back?


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Also just wanted to add : we Separated a week before her birthday - 1st week in June ,I bought her a lovely necklace from tiffany & co, which she liked but I didn't go out with her on her actual birthday *, she went with her kids and Ex Husband (I know that sounds weird , but she has this unique platonic thing with her ex , for the kids sake , however her kids are pretty much grown up now 18 and 15...I know pretty strange)* She lives in her house , I was staying at my parents , I ended up getting a flat nearer to where i work and where she lives.
> Like I said in my previous posts , we already had a vacation booked in July , which we went on , and had a fantastic time , lots of loving and sex ...however since coming back from holiday , the sex stopped , although she asked me to "come over to hers when ever i wanted to" , we would cuddle up in bed , and hold hands when going out to restaurants , dog walks , but the last week and a half she has just said it's all over , it was like she was giving me mixed messages , she finally told me it's not working and wants a formal separation her reasons being that she would never be able to trust me again and that it is also that she "cannot give me what I want" , ie: a loving , sexual relationship ....I'm so confused !!!


 @Dusty72 I just started reading your back threads and WTF??? Do you not see a trend here?

You shouldn't be looking for advice on how to get this woman back. You need to move on from her and fix your picker.


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## zzzman99

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Kristin and Yellerstang , I pretty much thought she was keeping me as a plan B and you are both right , i will not contact her , how about this for a text to her:
> 
> "Hi babe ,you know how i feel about you , but i can't be doing this false friendship BS , If you want to get things back on in a romantic level , then it will be lovely to hear from you , you have my number , call me ....if not please do not contact me ever again as i need to move on in my life"
> 
> something like that , what do you think , good idea?


No contact means no contact. Just ignore her for now, think about after 6 months or so.

Edit:
I wrote this before seeing the post above. Find someone else. She's a nut job.


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## Dusty72

Yes , it's a crock of [email protected] I know ...but i do still love her , why the hell is she contacting me again ....that's what i dont get ???


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## WorkingOnMe

She's using you as an emotional tampon while she screws her new man. And, of course, you're allowing it. Welcome to the friend zone. Maybe she'll set you up with one of her gay friends, if you're lucky.


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## Dusty72

Yes I have told her Kristin that i want her back....she said , lets be friends first and see where it goes from there?!?!!??


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Yes , it's a crock of [email protected] I know ...but i do still love her , why the hell is she contacting me again ....that's what i dont get ???



I have told you why, she wants to keep you on the hook. What is so confounding about that? It is always nice to have options...Which must be what the girl you are dating right now is. That is a really sh!tty thing to do to another person, does your GF know what you are doing?


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## Dusty72

Yep working on me , I don't wanna be in the friendzone ...sounds like you have been reading/watching corey wayne ....lol


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Yes I have told her Kristin that i want her back....she said , lets be friends first and see where it goes from there?!?!!??



She is playing games with you, sorry. This woman doesn't love you and your relationship is not healthy at all. I'm convinced her EA was a PA now that I am reading your back threads.


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## Dusty72

No kristin , Im in a rebound ...i know it is ****ty to do that , but she knows i harbour feelings for my ex ...but it still is not a good thing to do...i understand that


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## WorkingOnMe

Dusty72 said:


> sounds like you have been reading/watching corey wayne ....lol


Never heard of her.


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## Dusty72

Her EA is not the PA , completely diiferent guy , Actualy the EA , which i thought was probably just a good friend...or am i Bs'ing myself


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> No kristin , Im in a rebound ...i know it is ****ty to do that , but she knows i harbour feelings for my ex ...but it still is not a good thing to do...i understand that



If you are being honest with the other woman then it is her responsibility. 

I think you need space from your Ex., this situation is toxic. She has one Ex that she managed the "just friends" relationship with, she might just want to be friends with you. In the meantime your life is on hold waiting for her to throw you a bone. If you get the "prize" of your Ex back...You still have the same screwed up relationship dynamic that ended in divorce. What will be different this time?


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## Dusty72

corey wayne is an american relationship coach....google him , says it like it is ...pretty much what you told me


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Her EA is not the PA , completely diiferent guy , Actualy the EA , which i thought was probably just a good friend...or am i Bs'ing myself



Oh lord, a PA and an EA (which is almost always a PA in the end)...Let her go! Why even be "friends" ? She seems pretty awful TBH.


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## Dusty72

Very True Kristin , I have thought long and hard about that ....just have my love goggles on for this woman i have known for 5 years...but i cant get her out of my system, been on lots of dates since the break up , but nothing compares to her ....crazy i know


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## kristin2349

Dusty72 said:


> Very True Kristin , I have thought long and hard about that ....just have my love goggles on for this woman i have known for 5 years...but i cant get her out of my system, been on lots of dates since the break up , but nothing compares to her ....crazy i know



She sounds toxic! I feel irresponsible for even giving you the advice I have, but if you want her back that is your only shot. In the meantime I hope you take the love goggles off and see her for what she is.


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## Marc878

Dusty72 said:


> "Hi babe ,you know how i feel about you , but i can't be doing this false friendship BS , If you want to get things back on in a romantic level , then it will be lovely to hear from you , you have my number , call me ....if not please do not contact me ever again as i need to move on in my life"


Translation on what she will think: I'm desperate and will do anything to get you back on your terms. 

She dumped you and will continue to feed you breadcrumbs as long as you gobble them up.


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## Marc878

Read up. You have a lot to learn. Women do not respect and are not attracted to weakness. Never be someone's doormat. You are coming across as very needy.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=RR6hVuoxpd0KV0tlCBDIx7FLgDc-


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## zzzman99

Marc878 said:


> Read up. You have a lot to learn. Women do not respect and are not attracted to weakness. Never be someone's doormat. You are coming across as very needy.
> 
> http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=RR6hVuoxpd0KV0tlCBDIx7FLgDc-


also Married mans sex life primer. Great way to understand things


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## BobSimmons

You're a nice guy. What exactly are confused about?

You guys have history because you were married. So far all she's done is text/call you. YOU asked her out for dinner with presumption of something else.

She's been pretty clear, she misses the marriage but she has trust issues, again where's the confusion? She's with someone else , again she's never lead you on to think she wants a relationship with you. Contact does not equal I want to get back together.

Again only going by what you wrote. Seen a lot of replies that maybe jumping the gun but the agreed thing is if you keep jumping to whatever she does, and the what you're currently doing, you know she's got someone else and yet you so obviously want her back, how do you think that looks against other guy who has no baggage and she can just have fun with.

Work on yourself, stop going to dinner and hanging on her every word. No contact is probably best, if she wants you back then let her speak up.


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## PreRaphaelite

Dusty72 said:


> Her EA is not the PA , completely diiferent guy , Actualy the EA , which i thought was probably just a good friend...or am i Bs'ing myself


An EA and a PA? 

Move on Dusty, FFS.


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## Openminded

Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are good for you.


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## NextTimeAround

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Kristin and Yellerstang , I pretty much thought she was keeping me as a plan B and you are both right , i will not contact her , how about this for a text to her:
> *
> "Hi babe ,you know how i feel about you , but i can't be doing this false friendship BS , If you want to get things back on in a romantic level , then it will be lovely to hear from you , you have my number , call me ....if not please do not contact me ever again as i need to move on in my life"*
> 
> something like that , what do you think , good idea?


Please don't give her this material to work with. You will hear it back in so many different negative ways that you just can't possibly imagine.


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## yellerstang03

Dusty72 said:


> Very True Kristin , I have thought long and hard about that ....just have my love goggles on for this woman i have known for 5 years...but i cant get her out of my system, been on lots of dates since the break up , but nothing compares to her ....crazy i know


It's not crazy....I think you are co-dependent. This woman put you through the pain of divorce, is with someone else, and you still want to be with her? I would take a long, hard look at yourself and find out what is making you co-dependent. Co-dependency is not healthy. Learn how to get your own needs met instead of chasing an unhealthy partner to get them met.


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## Evinrude58

You had a beautiful woman on the outside. She isn't in the inside, or she'd keep dating her boyfriend and have no contact with you so you could move on with your life. 
You never said why you divorced. She has "trust issues"?????
What does that really mean?

Look dusty, she has hurt you beyond recognition by divorcing you. How long are you going to keep this **** up? Forever???? Let her freaking go!!!!!!! Please, accept she's gone and move on. If she really wants you back, I assure you this woman will find a way to worm her way back in your life. You moving on will be the best bait there is for attracting her--- guaranteed. You chasing her is a guaranteed fail. And it will eat your guys out.
Have fun being single. Date, fallin in love again. It will happen. But NOT until you accept your marriage is OVER.
Acceptance is everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellerstang03

Dusty72 said:


> Thanks Kristin and Yellerstang , I pretty much thought she was keeping me as a plan B and you are both right , i will not contact her , how about this for a text to her:
> 
> *"I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this false friendship BS. I'm moving on in my life"*
> 
> something like that , what do you think , good idea?


There, I've edited it for you. Do not use "Babe" or tell her you are available when she wants to be. You will never ever get the outcome you want taking that route.  There is nothing wrong with expressing that friendship would be too painful.

You really need to look at yourself and find out why you are tolerating this from someone that has divorced you.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Let me be blunt, she wants to keep you around so "IF" the new bf can't get it up the THIRD time, and she's still wanting more, she can give you a call.

You probably treated her too nice & had her on a pedestal.

Book a nice vacation with the new GF and let the past go.


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## *Deidre*

kristin2349 said:


> She wants to keep you on the hook as an option. The less available you are to her the more attractive you will be. If you don't believe me try it. Cut contact with her, don't reply to texts (unless it is an actual emergency) don't call her and stop being her "friend", start working on yourself.


So much this.

I'd cut contact. You divorced for a reason, and she sounds like she is doing exactly this, keeping her new bf on the back burner, and testing things with you because you're familiar to her. She has nothing to lose with you, she knows you, and knows how to get you interested again. I'd move on. Enjoy life on your own, and remember why you divorced. And she's also playing her new bf, which isn't very nice, so to me...I wouldn't turn back.


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## *Deidre*

NextTimeAround said:


> Please don't give her this material to work with. You will hear it back in so many different negative ways that you just can't possibly imagine.


This.

Just don't answer her. You don't owe her anything, that's the beauty of breaking up with someone. You don't need to be mean, but I'd work hard at detaching from this toxic person. She is toxic, from what you post here. Look up narcissistic personality disorder, she sounds like that could be what you're dealing with.


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## TAMAT

Keep the EA going, collect evidence, when you exW is about to remarry send the groom a packet of the communications.

Tamat


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## lifeistooshort

What you're doing to your new gf is unfair. 

She's a person with feelings, not a toy to make your ex jealous. Really crappy to keep seeing her while trying to get back with your ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

lifeistooshort said:


> What you're doing to your new gf is unfair.
> 
> She's a person with feelings, not a toy to make your ex jealous. Really crappy to keep seeing her while trying to get back with your ex.


100% agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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