# When a husband has two different stories



## goodlookingmom (Jun 1, 2013)

I started a thread earlier about my husband insisting on more sex, especially to say thanks for watching the kids and such. We live overseas and there was recently a death in the family back home. I am there with the kids, he is now back in our country of residence. We've been separated like this for 5 weeks, he'll arrive here in 5 days. A week or more ago he told me he "almost cheated on me." He told me because he felt guilty and wanted to be totally honest with me. Here's my story and dilemna...

The lady he "almost cheated on me with" is the wife of a friend. I guess I could say she is my friend too, though I don't know if we'd be friends if my friend didn't marry her. We've known the guy for 10 years. They have a little kid, about 3. We invite them to our children's parties at our place and see them a few times a year. We've attended their son's parties too.
My husband's story is that several of our friends were all drinking together. She started to flirt, but he said she was very subtle and tricky. According to him, she waited till people went to the bathroom or up to the bar to get another drink. She'd start to touch him and rub herself up against him. He claims that he liked the attention and his "guard was down" so he was weak in his response. I don't know full details, but he says he did not pull away or stop it as quickly as he should of. I can only imagine that he let it go on, flirted back, maybe did some rubbing himself. BUT I don't know for sure. They moved their party onwards and my husband opted to walk (which he does often). She joined him. He says she went for a kiss and he said he just stood there "deer in headlights." It was then he realized it had gone too far.
I wrote to another friend who was there about it. She said she didn't see anything. She called the said wife. The wife claimed nothing of the sort happened. This came out to the husband too, as soon he approached my husband about it. They were out at a bar (shocker). I pressed my husband to find out what he said to him. He said he wanted to "mitigate damage" and keep the friendship with the husband. Plus, he didn't want to destroy their marriage, as they also have a child. So, he told the husband that they both participated in "harmless drunken flirtations." The husband is fine with it. I asked. He told me that he needs to support his wife and that I should ask the other people who were there. I asked the wife. She ignored me for a week, but finally wrote back that nothing of the sort happened.
I don't know how to feel or what to do. Initially, I thought that it was my duty to not ruin their family life and get the truth out in the open (whatever the truth actually is). But, I am starting to REALLY dislike the situation I am in. Everyone wants me to carry on as if nothing happened. But how do I ignore what my husband said? Further, what's with him giving a different story to the husband? It's similar, for sure. But to me, he said she came on strong. To him, my husband said it was mutual (and no mention of a duet walk with an attempted kiss). I'm so filled with anger at this point- not necessarily because of the botched cheating (which, yes, does piss me off) but because now I have to carry the weight of the lies. I am mad at the wife. But should I be? I'm mad at her husband for insisting his wife is innocent. And I'm certainly mad at my husband. Was my husband telling the truth to me? Was he overreacting? Am I overreacting? Should I tell the husband the truth? He seems to think nothing happened at all, no thanks to my husband glossing it over.......
Should I be the drama starter or should I just let it all go...????


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

goodlookingmom said:


> he said she was very subtle and tricky.


Playing the victim.

Then protecting the affair partner. 

I would not be engaging with them, and most especially not protecting them from their own bad behavior.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

goodlookingmom said:


> I started a thread earlier about my husband insisting on more sex, especially to say thanks for watching the kids and such. We live overseas and there was recently a death in the family back home. I am there with the kids, he is now back in our country of residence. We've been separated like this for 5 weeks, he'll arrive here in 5 days. A week or more ago he told me he "almost cheated on me." He told me because he felt guilty and wanted to be totally honest with me. Here's my story and dilemna...
> 
> The lady he "almost cheated on me with" is the wife of a friend. I guess I could say she is my friend too, though I don't know if we'd be friends if my friend didn't marry her. We've known the guy for 10 years. They have a little kid, about 3. We invite them to our children's parties at our place and see them a few times a year. We've attended their son's parties too.
> My husband's story is that several of our friends were all drinking together. She started to flirt, but he said she was very subtle and tricky. According to him, she waited till people went to the bathroom or up to the bar to get another drink. She'd start to touch him and rub herself up against him. He claims that he liked the attention and his "guard was down" so he was weak in his response. I don't know full details, but he says he did not pull away or stop it as quickly as he should of. I can only imagine that he let it go on, flirted back, maybe did some rubbing himself. BUT I don't know for sure. They moved their party onwards and my husband opted to walk (which he does often). She joined him. He says she went for a kiss and he said he just stood there "deer in headlights." It was then he realized it had gone too far.
> ...


My guess is that your husband told you the truth. 

The wife saying 'Nothing of the sort happened' confirms to me that she was the aggressive one. If 'nothing of the sort happened', then it makes no sense for your husband to call you at all. If your husband was the aggressive one, then the wife would have told her husband that instead of nothing happened.

My opinion is to stay away from this couple. The friendship you had with them is now over. Have a discussion with your husband about boundaries. Ensure he knows that he was wrong to allow the flirting to continue, but right for stopping it and letting you know about it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I would terminate the friendship and find new friends. 

What happened isn't excusable and I feel for you.

Did you and hubby always have a healthy high sex life together? Is he HD and you LD?

If he was sexually starved and this aggressive women flirted and had sex with him, I can see why he was weak. Still not excusable but understandable.


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## goodlookingmom (Jun 1, 2013)

I have another thread on here, if you want to know our sex-life together. But basically, I have been working hard to give him the sex he requires. I've tried to make it fun and exciting for him and often. He is not sex starved. That said, mentioned in my post above, we've been in separate countries for 5 weeks due to a death in the family overseas. But that is no excuse to have an affair or even engage in rubbing and bumping activities with the wife of a friend. He'll be here in 5 days. I was ready to show off the new lingerie I bought him and make him feel better after 6 weeks of being alone. You can imagine, I am not feeling that way now. What to do?
Oh and should I tell the wife what my husband said? And should I tell the husband what my husband said? Do I owe them the truth? Or should I just stop now and cease all contact?


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't think you will ever be sure what happened. With no witnesses, you have to decide if you can believe your husband has told you the whole truth. Don't worry about what he told her husband. If she was the agressor, I can sorta see your husband downplaying her side of things to him. Assuming he truly doesn't want their marriage to be ruined. He may have been saying what he thought would cause the least damage to them.

I guess, just wait and see how he is when you see him. Does he seem repentant? Talk to him about it when he gets home and see how that goes.

I wouldn't get involved with the other couple. Her husband knows something happened and decided he believes what they told him. I would leave it at that.


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## goodlookingmom (Jun 1, 2013)

Does everyone else agree that I should not get involved with telling the other couple what I have heard? 
My friend, who is close with the woman, mentioned something about how she likes to go out and do things that she doesn't need to tell her husband. No details there. But she goes out dressed to kill often. Of course, when I go out, I dress to kill too. So, you can't judge someone on that. 
But that said, it sounds like she does this kind of stuff from time to time.....


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Well let me start off by saying that no matter what you did not contribute in anyway to this situation it is all on them. Now I am going to go over points with you.


1. This is no longer about them. This is about you and what you need they screwed up. If YOU want the truth then expose what you know and be confrontational tell them that this is the story you have and you want to know what the hell is going on. If you don't get the truth how will it affect your marriage? Because from here I am thinking if you don't then you are going to always wonder.

2. Your husband needs to have NO CONTACT with her or her husband. They have failed the friendship test if for no other reasons that you will never trust them again and feel betrayed.

3. Changing stories is a dead giveaway that SOMETHING inappropriate happened.

4. Stand up for yourself YOU are the one that has NOTHING wrong. Be confident.


From my eyes I think it could of gone farther in fact it may have gone further they went on walk and your husband says she kissed him well come on how many walks at night end only in a KISS. Also you might want to move this to the Coping With Infidelity forum if you are really concerned there are great people over there that can spot a cheater in a heartbeat and bull shyte at two miles away.


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## goodlookingmom (Jun 1, 2013)

I think I will approach the wife but not face to face (because I don't have that option. Again, I'm in one country, she's in another right now). I will tell her what he said and make it clear that I do not believe her and I'm weary about what's missing from my husband's story. 
I will cease contact with the couple. But I am not going to drag the husband back into this. None of this is his fault. He's a victim too. If he wants to believe his wife, fine. Someday down the road, more of such actions may resurface. He might figure it out later. In the meantime, there's no point in keeping the friendship, since I don't want the wife anywhere near me, my husband or my kids. 
My husband is getting a letter about how I have (yet again) been placed in a bad situation. 
He'll be arriving in 5 days.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds to me as though they were all so drunk no one really has a clear recollection of what happened. Your husbands drinking is causing many issues. I think that would be a good place to start on repairing your marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's my view.
If a woman whoever she was started rubbing against me and i was drinking I would have a godawful time resisting it. The fact that your husband resisted it, and then told you says alot to me that he is a good guy. I would thank him for his honesty, respect his decision to minimize it to his friend so thier lives don't fall apart, and tell him you appreciate that he did not ruin all these lives by having sex with her And now you know you can trust him to both do the right thing when a woman throws herself at him and tell you about women coming on to him. Then I would ask him if he thinks these people should be out of your lives, becuase if I were you I sure wouldn't want the toruture of a woman coming on to me while I was trying to maintain both my marriage and my friendship.


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