# Damaged after infidelity



## LoneHiker (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi

It is now more than 4 years since I got divorced from my cheating wife. We were together for almost 15 years (married 4 of those 15 years). In retrospect: we started dating much too young and were both sexually inexperienced. She presented herself as sexually cold and we had sex maybe 6 times a year. I was naive and accepted this situation for 13 years. After 1 year of marriage I found out about everything. She was quit the nymphomaniac and had several affairs, which started with a much older guy (33 years older than she was). I tried to stay in the marriage for another 2 years, but I couldn't and then she cheated again and it was time to end it.

I fought I got over it, but 4 years later I am in 2-year relationship ... again sexless. The problem is that I now get into a relationship without feeling really attracted to the other person. I don't fall into love. I just connect on a mental level and all other feelings are ignored. My current girlfriend is a 30-something year old virgin and has her own issues with sex. Yes, I know how to pick them! When the relationship started, it felt safe and under control. However, this is not healthy. We are both scared of sex and she is more like a very good friend. It cannot go on like this!

The point is: a woman's sexuality scares me. All my life I saw them as nonsexual beings. A fact I had to make peace with. But then, there was the other side to my ex-wife, which she newer allowed me to see. It still hurts like hell. Now I experience sexual contact objectively. In other words, without me being part of it and enjoying it. Maybe I am trying to protect myself? Maybe I feel inadequate? Maybe I am scared that it will again lead to strange places (aka infidelity and uncontrolled female sexuality)?

As a result, I don't know how to connect with my own sexuality and I don’t know how to sexually connect with a woman. Is there anybody out there, who survived this?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I don’t know if this is applicable at all to your situation but look up “Madonna [email protected] complex."


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sad that you find yourself here, i can see where your ex-wife has done some serious damage to your psyche and your sexuality. Its clear that your want a healthy and sexual active life and you should expect that, with this girl friend or with someone else, your present GF may be looking for you to help her achieve the sexual awareness, but i fear that you still frail and damaged by your ex-wife. My recommendation is that you need individual counseling and you may also need the help of a licensed sexual therapist who can help you expand your sexual abilities, this can be done with or without your girlfriend, but if you see this relationship as something fruitful then incorporate both yoru needs. Here is the important thing, after four years, you need to find peace within yourself. good luck


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

may be you just need to correct your moral lenses. there are those kind of liberated people in the world and we have to learn to co-exist.

the morals you were brought up about may cloud your judgement that promiscuity is evil or wrong.

may be you do prefer a wilder more liberated woman. but if you go with this type there is no assurance of commitment.

some people live there lives without being committed to another.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to see a psychologist as soon as possible. There are underlying reasons as to why you tolerate a relationship that is sexless and cold. You have low self-esteem and you need to build this. 

How old are you? You said that you dated your ex-wife early. How old were you and how old was she?

I suggest that you ditch this current relationship. A 30 year old woman who is still a virgin is bad news. Something is dreadfully wrong with this woman. You don't need to be around broken people. You need healthy individuals who can help you along with your issues.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's just a girlfriend. Let her go and move on. Find someone you are sexually compatible with. You are making this harder for yourself than it has to be. Quit being the "nice guy". Download and read "No More Mister Nice Guy".


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## LoneHiker (Jun 30, 2010)

Thank you for your replies. I am 38. Yes, I agree, the current relationship is not helping. In general, I just feel f**ked.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LoneHiker said:


> As a result, I don't know how to connect with my own sexuality and I don’t know how to sexually connect with a woman. Is there anybody out there, who survived this?


Listen man. I was in a similar place when I exited marriage #1.

I remember balling my guts out after I had sex with someone else for the first time... because someone actually wanted to have sex with me, enjoyed it, and wanted more of it.

I formed somewhat of a support group of sorts. Meaning, I made friends with a lot of very cool, smart, creative women. Artists, poets, writers, painters, sculptors, photographers, intellectuals, academics.

And stayed just friends. They showed me what real, connected, sexual femininity is -- because I was their friend and chill... they let me 'into' their head about dating, men, themselves, and I (re)learned a lot about women. And wrapped my head much, much more about female sexuality than I ever did before.

One of my best female friends at that time was very bisexual, and oddly enough we shared the same taste in women. Which was confusing and fun but we also got to talk a lot about what that kind of women might like and not like, what to do and not do, how to read body language, and how female sexuality is a lot more fluid, contextual, and dynamic than I thought.

Having these kind of female friends also had the side benefit of having them throw their single girlfriends at me constantly -- as long as I wasn't a **** about it, friends with benefits or flings or relationships were all good.

Women are amazing.


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## Naku (May 26, 2013)

I can recommend 2 books which will start you on your path to understanding female sexuality. Go to Amazon and purchase: "Married Man Sex Life", by Athol Kay. Also, look at "Way of the superior man", by David Deida, which you may be able to find at your local library. You will finally understand. Don't worry of people have criticisms of either book - every book has its faults, but you will find enough explanation and "Aha"'s that you will wish you had read them earlier. Read MMSL immediately and you can bring sexuality back into your relationships.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Go find a sexually expressive, available woman that has no body image hangups and let her help you to learn what healthy sexuality is all about.

We do exist. :bunny:

(I'm not available any longer, though.)


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

LoneHiker said:


> Hi
> 
> It is now more than 4 years since I got divorced from my cheating wife. We were together for almost 15 years (married 4 of those 15 years). In retrospect: we started dating much too young and were both sexually inexperienced. She presented herself as sexually cold and we had sex maybe 6 times a year. I was naive and accepted this situation for 13 years. After 1 year of marriage I found out about everything. She was quit the nymphomaniac and had several affairs, which started with a much older guy (33 years older than she was). I tried to stay in the marriage for another 2 years, but I couldn't and then she cheated again and it was time to end it.
> 
> ...


I've been a little absent from this board, too many bad memories.

I will say this to you, there are places you can check out that will help out with what you're going through. Starting with the no more mr nice guy book, and then if you want to go deeper you can check into the "red pill" community. I think you really need what can be offered.


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