# Why doesn't he get jealous?



## walkingwounded

What would be the correct "manned-up" response to the following andwhat am I getting?

My H had an EA not long ago and we're working through things. I've felt he's not put as much in as he could, but he has tried.

One of the side-effects, if you like, is that my self-esteem has been near-zero. I've been working on me, and last night, we went out together with friends. I got a huge amount of compliments, admiring looks, and an old acquaintance who has expressed an interest in me previously, told me I was "smokin' hot" (lol!) and looked amazing, and that he couldn't get over how good I looked.

This morning I got a text from him (I have his number as he's part of my ex's family) which was chatty but innocent, but was fishing, basically. In the spirit of openness I showed it to my H, relaying the convo I had with this guy, and his response?

"You've had quite a bit of male interest of late haven't you?"
(I've been telling him if any guy shows an interest, which has happened a few times recently)

and walked off.

I was hoping for a bit of, well, jealousy, and protectiveness I guess. H came in a short while later,noticed I'd been upset, asked what was up and I explained, ending it with saying I'd hoped that because did he think I was just loyally sitting by whatever he'd thrown at me?

He went crazy, stormed out, throwing stuff in the kitchen. He's been working outside and pops in for stuff, but is obviously still angry.

My intention was not to get a dig in (as I feel it must have come across) but more I was upset and genuinely wondering why he doesn't show any tinge of jealouy, and if he *does* think I am in this no matter what, like the loyal wife sitting by, and I'd never be tempted like he was?

Thoughts and advice?


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## DanF

I would be a little jealous if someone hit on my wife in my presence, but my stronger emotion is "all you guys think that my wife is hot and guess what? She is with ME!!!!"


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## AFEH

walkingwounded said:


> What would be the correct "manned-up" response to the following andwhat am I getting?
> 
> My H had an EA not long ago and we're working through things. I've felt he's not put as much in as he could, but he has tried.
> 
> One of the side-effects, if you like, is that my self-esteem has been near-zero. I've been working on me, and last night, we went out together with friends. I got a huge amount of compliments, admiring looks, and an old acquaintance who has expressed an interest in me previously, told me I was "smokin' hot" (lol!) and looked amazing, and that he couldn't get over how good I looked.
> 
> This morning I got a text from him (I have his number as he's part of my ex's family) which was chatty but innocent, but was fishing, basically. In the spirit of openness I showed it to my H, relaying the convo I had with this guy, and his response?
> 
> "You've had quite a bit of male interest of late haven't you?"
> (I've been telling him if any guy shows an interest, which has happened a few times recently)
> 
> and walked off.
> 
> I was hoping for a bit of, well, jealousy, and protectiveness I guess. H came in a short while later,noticed I'd been upset, asked what was up and I explained, ending it with saying I'd hoped that because did he think I was just loyally sitting by whatever he'd thrown at me?
> 
> He went crazy, stormed out, throwing stuff in the kitchen. He's been working outside and pops in for stuff, but is obviously still angry.
> 
> My intention was not to get a dig in (as I feel it must have come across) but more I was upset and genuinely wondering why he doesn't show any tinge of jealouy, and if he *does* think I am in this no matter what, like the loyal wife sitting by, and I'd never be tempted like he was?
> 
> Thoughts and advice?


Husbands get jealous when their wife hits on another man. They get jealous of the other man because he has something his wife obviously wants. If another man hits on his wife, there is nothing for the husband to be jealous about. Unless of course his wife responds to the other man hitting on her.

If your H has little feelings/love for you and has no fear of loosing you, he wont get jealous no matter what you do.

I’d guess your H got angry because he felt you were trying to wind him up, which indeed it sounds like you were.

Bob


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## walkingwounded

DanF, I guess I was hoping for a little of that "she's with me!" proudness. I think I crave that right now.

AFEH, I wasn't trying to "wind him up". I didn't seek to provoke that kind of reaction at all. I was looking to find some feeling like, he's pleased he's with me, the gal who gets the compliments off the guys, or even be a bit territorial, like, "he can keep his hands off" kinda remark. It was in no way designed to get him riled up. It was to seek reassurance from him that yes, he is rather pleased he has me, and that I want him and not anyone else.

I guess I read something into the lack of that sorta remark. Like he's not that bothered about me after having an EA. My insecurity means I can read into a lot of thing he says (or doesn't say.)


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## AFEH

If my wife ever told me another guy found her attractive, I‘d say something like that’s nice, I don’t blame him. I’m not fool enough to think if I found her attractive, other men wouldn’t. But it is not a reason to be jealous.

I think you are playing mind games with him. In that instead of just outright asking him if he finds you attractive/desirable or however you would like him to think/feel about you, you are playing mind games with him. Maybe that’s what he doesn’t like and gets him angry.

Bob


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## greenpearl

AFEH said:


> Husbands get jealous when their wife hits on another man. They get jealous of the other man because he has something his wife obviously wants. If another man hits on his wife, there is nothing for the husband to be jealous about. Unless of course his wife responds to the other man hitting on her.
> 
> If your H has little feelings/love for you and has no fear of loosing you, he wont get jealous no matter what you do.
> 
> I’d guess your H got angry because he felt you were trying to wind him up, which indeed it sounds like you were.
> 
> Bob


I totally agree with this.


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## Mephisto

AFEH said:


> If my wife ever told me another guy found her attractive, I‘d say something like that’s nice, I don’t blame him. I’m not fool enough to think if I found her attractive, other men wouldn’t. But it is not a reason to be jealous.
> 
> I think you are playing mind games with him. In that instead of just outright asking him if he finds you attractive/desirable or however you would like him to think/feel about you, you are playing mind games with him. Maybe that’s what he doesn’t like and gets him angry.
> 
> Bob


:iagree: You seem desperate to get some kind of reaction from him, but are disappointed by him not following your carefully scripted conversation, so you start mashing his buttons, alas, you push the wrong ones and get a response that, again, isn't the one you want. 

Perhaps a little bit of directness wouldn't hurt. "Gee honey, I got so many compliments last night, I am feeling pretty good about myself. Do you think I am still one hot mama-san?"

I would wager that you are looking for an affirmation, or reassurance from him that HE still finds you desirable, and that drives you to get a response...... you are just using the wrong method.


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## Runs like Dog

I reread this. It's obvious. He's mad at you for rubbing it in his face. 

And don't take this the wrong way but if he had an EA, isn't already not completely into you?


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## RandomDude

Ooooo the jealousy game! =D Me love!

But trust me - not many couples can handle it at all, just like swinging etc


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## unbelievable

Jealousy is an ugly, goofy emotion. My wife is beautiful, so I take for granted that most guys find her interesting. I can hardly fault them. In order for me to feel jealous, I'd have to distrust her and I trust her completely. She's not a hostage. I give her my best and if that's not enough, I'll help her pack. My lack of overt jealous displays doesn't indicate I don't care, it's just an indication that I have faith in her. Having said that, we do have rules about interractions with people of the opposite sex and we both abide by those rules.


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## JeffX

It does sound like you were trying to wind him up. He didn't get jealous, that means he trusts you. That's a good thing.


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## e.p.

Walkingwounded,

To echo what a few guys have already said; a man complimenting my wife is not a threat. If a man complimented my choice of car/boat/cycle, should I be upset? No, it's a compliment and I'd view it likewise with my wife. Someone else realizes I have something good; thanks for noticing.

-e.p.


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## ManDup

Mephisto said:


> :iagree: You seem desperate to get some kind of reaction from him, but are disappointed by him not following your carefully scripted conversation, so you start mashing his buttons, alas, you push the wrong ones and get a response that, again, isn't the one you want.
> 
> Perhaps a little bit of directness wouldn't hurt. "Gee honey, I got so many compliments last night, I am feeling pretty good about myself. Do you think I am still one hot mama-san?"
> 
> I would wager that you are looking for an affirmation, or reassurance from him that HE still finds you desirable, and that drives you to get a response...... you are just using the wrong method.


Agree 100%. What you are doing is basically manipulation. You are trying different things, hoping for a reaction, not getting the one you want, so you try something else. Non-emotional openness will probably get you far better results.


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## Conrad

I've heard it called Fitness Testing.


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## walkingwounded

I asked him. He said, he has nothing to be jealous of. He says when he looks at this guy, he doesn't see anything to be worried about- ie, he doesn't see that this guy has anything to offer that makes him look a better option to me than my H.

I understood that. 

I did find that comment insightful though: my H completely saw that through his eyes rather than thinking about what *I* see. Had he asked me...? Well, he might have a different take on it then. A simple, "well *I* am the one who gets to go home with you," with a playful smile, or similar, would have made me happy.

Anyhow. I realised what it was I was seeking out of this. I told my H I wanted to know he found me attractive still after what had happened. He went into a diatribe about after a while in a relationship with a beautiful person, you still *know* you're with a beautiful person, you just don't comment on it as much, you just know they are, and he does think it, and maybe he should say it more often. 

So there you go.


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## incognitoman

If some guy smiled suggestively at my wife I don't care, she is with me. I have no anger or desire to go and knock his lights out. Now if he bad talked my wife I take that very seriously and I might just find myself spending the night apart from my wife while I wait for the judge to get in.

In general women have lower self esteem issues and I think that means if you see a woman that you think is pretty smile at your H you are gonna be pissed because you see her as better than you. That she is trying to steal him away. Now imagine some 80 year old lady does it, you might find it comical or cute just because you aren't worried. You know he has no attraction to her. 

In the end I hope you learned a few things from this. I hope you learned to be direct and don't play games, and secondly that he still thinks your hot and assuming that he doesn't offends him.


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## not surprised

I don't think you were trying to push his buttons at all. I think you threw that out in hopes of getting some kind compliment. One that would make you feel like he cares just a little expecially after the affair. Like I told my STBXH even a dog likes a pat on head every now and then. NEWS FLASH...sweetie quit trying to get your value and self worth from this man because your not going to get it! Believe me I should know, been there! Just keep improving yourself in every possible way you can.


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