# I need some advice



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Hello ladies,

I'm married to a wonderful man who is loving and supportive. He works his rear off at a job 12-14 hours a day, while I continue to look for work.

One of my issues is that I'm used to contributing and since I can't right now..I feel bad about it and thus..ask for very little from our account short of groceries and gas for my car.

Here's where the problem lies.

My husband was married and had two beautiful and wonderful children with a money hungry B. After they were married, she quit her job even before they had children. According to my hubby, he said that she figured he made enough that she didn't have to.

During their marriage, she'd go out and gamble with his money, telling him that whatever they had after bills...she'd get half to gamble with..and he'd get the other half, which he saved and spent on the kids.

In addition, she had no problem going out and buying $3000 worth of furniture in an afternoon while selling the furniture they already had. As she bored easily, it was nothing for her to say to him, "Buy me a new wedding ring..I'm tired of this one.." and he'd get her a new one...."Buy me a new home..I'm tired of this one" and he'd buy her a new home.

Eventually she got bored with him and decided to move on with someone new..taking most of the good things he'd brought into the marriage with him..the good things they'd purchased during their marriage, in additon to selling off many of his prized possessions such as the tools his Grandpa left him, etc.

The bottom line was...she left him with pretty much nothing as she cleaned our their bank account, in addition to running up all their credit card bills, opening other accounts..and running them up also...pushing my husband into bankruptcy.

It's been 8 years since their divorce. He can't stand the sight of her but puts up with her for the kids sake. With that said, I get along well with his ex as we knew each other before her and my husband were married...I treat the kids well and they love me as much as I love them.

Here's where the problem lies:

My husband is very protective of our account and will not tell me what our balance is. We had the discussion once about money and I told him that I would never EVER take him to the cleaners like his ex did. His reply was, "I won't let you."

Obviously...

Since then...again I don't ask for much. He pays the bills and I merely put gas in my car. Now and then I might use our account for things like household necessities such as toilet paper, groceries, etc. while using our debit card and letting him know what I spent since he's told me, "I don't care if you spend money honey..just let me know what you spend."

Ok.

Well lately, it's not been ok. The last few months he's told me that we're a little short and I'm finding out that we're really not as he purchased a water cooler for our living room, a new set of pots and pans (which I thought was MY responsibility but didn't think we could afford), curtains for our living room (again, which I thought was MY responsibility as the wife), along with a new vacuum cleaner (again..doesn't the wife choose this??)

In addition, he went out and bought our daughter (my stepdaughter) a new $350+ laptop..and since he bought that...he has to return the favor to his son (and my stepson) for another $350+ to keep things even.

Obviously he doesn't trust me with our account, short of little things like I mentioned...$20 bucks for gas in my car, etc.

My husband knows I'm not a spender by any means, but I feel like I'm wearing his ex wife's big spender badge..which I feel is totally unfair. I've spoken to him about this in the nicest way, not wanting to start an arguement as money always seems to be the root of all evils, but he just gets defensive and tells me he has no secrets..that I can ask him anything..and if I want to know what's in the account..he'll tell me...yet he won't.

To be honest..I couldn't care less what's in the account..I just hate the fact that he makes me feel like it's a privilage rather than a right as his wife....the bottom line being that he simply doesn't trust me, and will probably never trust anybody ever again with his money...which is ridiculous as I'm not his ex and never will be like his ex..EVER!!

So..the other question is this: Once I find work...do I open my own account and just give him money towards bills? This is where it gets ugly as if he's going to be secretive about what's in the account...buy the kids expensive stuff without consulting with me....how the heck do I trust HIM with MY cash??

Ugh!! I hope this marriage isn't destined for failure..I really love this man and my two wonderful stepchildren. Right now I couldn't be happier....except for this.

Hopefully someone out there has either been through this..or has some really really good advice!!

Thanks in advance!!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sorry your first response is coming from a guy, but it's been hours since you posted and I thought you deserved some feedback.

My wife and I had not exactly the same issue, but not far off either when we were married. My father-in-law controlled the finances in her parent's marriage. While the marriage was a long one, throughout the marriage he'd been covering up the fact that he had a long term extra-marital affair with another woman because he managed all of the families funds, and was rather secretive of it. While it seemed to make sense at some level since he worked in the financial sector, he ended up divorcing my mother-in-law when the last child graduated from high school (much to the surprise of the entire family).

This left my wife more than a bit concerned that when she got married her husband may try and do something similar to her father (we wouldn't meet until years after all this transpired).

When we were engaged we talked about how money would be handled in our marriage. She pays all the bills so that she could see for herself where the money goes, but all accounts are joint and I can see the balance of everything (including review for myself where the money is going). Since I don't have any reason to suspect anything, I only keep abreast of our savings a few times a year (just so I know where we are financially).

That seems to work well for us, perhaps you can suggest something similar with your husband.

Even though his first wife burned him badly, that doesn't mean that you will. While understandable, he is projecting his pain/fear onto you which isn't healthy as it displays a lack of trust to you. He should at least let you see the accounts. If he is the one to balance the books every month he can see if you are doing anything out of line. He owes it to you to give you this much trust.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree with the joint account scenario.

I can understand how he might feel guarded and protecting himself, his wall is still up. Try not to take it personally, as best you can. This really is about him. 

I'm used to being involved/making financial decisions together, so it would drive me nuts to be left in the cold that way. Just as he might be in preservation mode still, I also would feel uncomfortable leaving financial security in the hands of another, even if I felt they had a good handle on things. 

So it would seem the joint account could be a good compromise between you. What do you think?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Yes I agree - it's not right for him to keep you in the dark like you're a child who has no control over her spending although I totally understand where he's coming from

but he probably feels like an idiot for allowing her to do it and is determined it won't happen again...but you are clearly not her!

there is a trust issue here - and it goes both ways cos you need to be able to trust him too, it would terrify me not to have any clue what was coming in and going out of my household

I hope you can sit down and have a reasonable conversation about it x


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

One of the aspects of power and control on the Wheel of Domestic Abuse is economic abuse. Hopefully, your husband does not exhibit any of the other aspects of power and control, but this is definitely a way he is abusing you. That is the reason you don't feel right about it. No one enjoys being controlled and disrespected in any way at all, and no one should be. You came here with little concern for how he treats you, wondering only about what you should do with your money. You don't seem to know that is the least of your concerns.

It may not concern you, and you even stated you "_couldn't care less what's in the account_" but you should care. And, you should not be so willing to be left out about it. His reasons do not matter. Other people say they can understand, but there is no excuse for this. So what that he got burned. That is no reason to treat YOU this way.

And true to the typical abused wife, you are more than willing to PROVE yourself to him, to PROVE yourself to be a fair and honest person. Do you see the effectual consequence that abuse causes? That's the result of being controlled. You should not feel obligated to live your life in such fervent and earnest effort. You are in complete compliance to his rules and what is more, you are partner in your own abuse because you allow it and so desperately want to prove to him that you are trustworthy and that you won't betray him. 

As others have stated, you are not his child. You may have heard the old saying that "women marry their father." That doesn't mean women marry men who look like their father. It doesn't mean women marry men who act like their father. And, it obviously doesn't mean women actually marry their father. It means women get married and then become or act like their husband's child. It means women get married and acquiesce to their husband treating them like a child. By that it means you live your life by his permission. You do as he says. You seek his approval. You don't do things he tells you not to do. You try to prove your love to him. 

You are a grown woman and his wife. Start acting like it and make him act like it. It doesn't matter that you "_couldn't care less what's in the account_." What matters is that he treats you with respect. What matters is that you demand he treats you with respect. What matters is that you not allow him to control you this way or in any other way. 

Do you know there are many, many, many women who live with abuse of some kind? Most are abused in various different ways, in many horrible ways. If you don't know, you can read these boards and see how often women complain about how badly their husband treats them. All abused women are compliant. They are all partners with their abuser. Why? Because they all put up with it. They all say they can't or won't leave. They all say they "love" him. You lock yourself in when you don't love yourself more than you love him. Stop saying "I love this man." That part is a given. The question is how much do you love yourself? 

He makes purchases and decorates the house without even consulting you??? Seriously now. You are not comfortable with any of his actions. Why does he need you there? You recognize he is totally overstepping you. He apparently got married to have regular and convenient coochie available, obviously not to share his life except for the bonus of having a free babysitter for his children from another marriage.

Stop being compliant just because this is the way HE says it has to be. Stop being his partner in your own abuse. Stop acting like his child. Make him agree to marriage counseling so he learns and understands how badly he is disrespecting you. The marital finances are just that - the marital finances. It is not HIS money alone.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Wow.... that whole post is visual abuse.


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