# ex-wife pushing me away from daughter



## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

Me and my ex have been divorced for 9 months and separated for a year now. we managed to get everything UN-contested, mainly because i didn't have the money to fight it out in court, but we made a reasonable agreement i suppose. But even though it's been a year in the separation and she's been officially dating this guy since about the time the divorce was finalized. She's still extremely bitter and angry towards me. which is fine and i understand even though we are divorced because of her selfishness, impulsiveness and infidelity. but in the end she told me she "needed" the divorce and it wasn't till that time months later after the separation because of her actions and poor choices that i finally started the process for the divorce. after the fact i realize how much stress has been reduced in my life not having to deal with her on a daily basis, but she left a deep anxiety to where every time i go to pick my daughter up from her or drop her back off and i know i will have to deal with my ex my stomach will start to knot and i get nauseous. because she can be so extreme in her moods. some days she's an angel and i have to question myself on why we even got a divorce. Other days she the meanest, foulest, spiteful, bitter, self centered, judgmental person i know. so much so some days i have trouble just wrapping my head around the fact that person can even be this way. Even if i'm not dropping my daughter off or picking her up, there's days i'm not safe. Someday/nights she'll call and start in on me and go off over petty and senseless things. I know should probably just treat her like a toddler at those moments and just ignore her when she acts out but some days she gets under my skin so bad i can't help it but respond. I held my tongue so much while we were together and married i can't do it anymore. But the worst is the anxiety and stress gets so bad somedays i actually consider signing over my rights as father. and i hate myself for even considering it. but she pushes me that far. i don't know if that's what she's trying to do or not. but the aniexty of having to deal with her and the overwhelming thought of having to deal with it for a minimum of 18 years, but probably longer is too much for me sometimes and i don't think i can handle that kind of stress. Some days i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up or have intrusive thoughts like being in a deadly car accident or that my ex get hit by a bus or something. I know life isn't easy but damn does it have to be this difficult? I know i shouldn't let my ex wife push me to such extremes as signing my rights over but i just want to be free of it all. just sign some papers sell all my unnecessary possessions and move off somewhere, maybe backpack it across the states and just escape. and i know if i ever went through with it i would inevitably regret it one day. I love my daughter more than anything but can't help but feel this way.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Please, DON'T ABANDON YOUR DAUGHTER. 

I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this woman. She sounds very abusive. Are you getting any kind of counseling to help you deal with the effects of dealing with abuse? It can be very, very helpful. Men can be abused just as easily as women can. You are in a dangerous place if you are wishing you were no longer around. Please seek some help for you. And please don't give up on your daughter. 


But another reason not to abandon your daughter is this: abusers are abusers. They seldom change and it's seldom to only one person. Your daughter will need you. My mother had emotional and mental problems that were never treated. My dad walked out when I was leaving high school, after never really getting involved with her treatment of me (and him) earlier. Being raised by her, with her dysfunction running unchecked, is a big cause of all the crap that's wrong with me now. 

Can you arrange for changing off your daughter in a neutral place like a grocery store parking lot, or at the library? Some cities even have special places just for this purpose, to minimize chances for conflict. Is there a friend or another family member who can go with you when you are dealing with her? 

Other than that, try not to engage with her at all, unless it has to do with your daughter, and even then, only by email or text. If you have to, get a restraining order. This is for you and your daughter. The ex won't like it, but really she has so many problems that nothing is going to make her happy. 

But you need to take care of you and get yourself healthy. Your daughter needs to have at least one healthy, stable parent. Looks like that's you. 

Please keep reaching out here and telling us how you feel, but also look for someone close to home. You might also want to talk to your doctor for some temporary medical help for your anxiety until you can get things under control. Many of us have had to do it, it's nothing to feel bad about. ((hugs)) to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your daughter?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pixie has given you good advice.
I’ve have been through what you are going through. You have to stop 99% of all contact you have with your ex. That’s how I solved the problem.

Look at the link to the “180” in my signature block below. This is how you need to interact with your ex from now on. However have as little contact with her as you can. Do not talk to her in person or on the phone except for emergencies concerning your child.

You will have contact with her over the next few days or a week or two while you put the plan in place. 

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Have it on your person anytime you are around your ex. Use your cell phone to record any phone conversation you have with her. Keep in mind that you are being recorded as well. So hold YOUR tongue. Let her look like the abusive ass on the recording. You just be the nice guy who says. “Please stop the attack”, “I’m leaving now because I will not allow you to talk to me like that.” So back to not talking back to her. Nothing is accomplished at this time by responding any other way to her. If she wants your opinion, input about something, right then and there, tell her you are in a hurry so you will email her about it. Then either never email her or only send a short response that is to the point.

Are you in TN? I assume that you are. Tennessee is a one party state. This means that only one party in a conversation or phone call has to consent to the conversation/phone call being recorded. This is all lawful.

*(5) It is lawful under § § 39-13-601 -- 39-13-603 and title 40, chapter 6, part 3 for a person not acting under color of law to intercept a wire, oral, or electronic communication where the person is a party to the communication or where one of the parties to the communication has given prior consent to the interception unless the communication is intercepted for the purpose of committing any criminal or tortious act in violation of the constitution or laws of the state of Tennessee.

DNC.com - Contact Center Compliance Do Not Call software | Compliance Info | Tennessee 39-13-601. Wiretapping and electronic surveillance -- Prohibited acts -- Exceptions*


I suggest that you record everything because this could get pretty nasty. I already is unacceptable. If it escalates you have proof. When you get a recording, download it off the device at store it where it’s safe. That means someplace like on a website where you get free storage. www.dropbox.com is one I use. IT’s pretty good and free for the amount of space you would need.

From now on you only communicate via email, txt and written letter. If you have to talk about your daughter, use one of those methods. When she calls you do not pick up the phone. Ignore her. If you have to talk to her, txt her. If she starts to talk to you tell her you are in a hurry, she can email you.

For example “I’m coming now to pick up daughter”. That’s it. Leave out all emotional drama.

There might be a time when you will need to send her an email (a very short, to the point email) saying… 

“Please understand that since things get uncivil when I try speaking with you, I will no longer speak to you in person except for a brief “hello”, “goodbye”. I will not speak to you on the phone except in an emergency regarding our daughter. Please text me “emergency” or “911” then I’ll call you or pick up when you call. Other than that all communication regarding our daughter will need to be via email, text or letter. Understand that the purpose of this is to stop the drama that is unbearable.” 

When she sends a text do not respond immediately unless it’s something like what time you will pick your daughter up. Is she writes you an email, wait at least 24 hours to respond. Pick out the items that absolutely need your reply and respond to those. Do not talk about anything personal. Only the business about your daughter.

Now about exchanging your child. After you have some very good, very nasty recordings of her attacking you verbally when you pick up your child write her an email stating that child pickup/drop off has to change.

The parent to whose house your daughter will be going will pick her up. The parent picking her up will go to the door. The other parent will have the child ready with her things. And the exchange will occur at the front door of the house. There is no need for either of you to go into the other’s house. 

If she refuses this, attacks you verbally, etc. then you have your VAR and your phone recorder to have a record of her angry outburst. Do not tell her that you have the recordings.

If you feel a need to, have someone go with you as a witness.

If she will not cooperate. Then send her an email saying that since she will not stop the angry outburst when you drop you child off, that you feel you need to do all exchanges in a public place.

If she give you fits on this… now you have all your evidence. The angry recordings, the angry emails (only her angry you will not be angry .. right? You will be to the point, matter of fact). Now you go to an attorney and get a court order that states the times and places of exchanges. 

I did this with a pile of hateful emails and letters from my ex. The judge saw them and I had no problem getting things added to the child custody and time share plan.

Our son was in 2nd grade. So what I had added was that all communication would be in written form, either email or letters. 

The parent picking up is the one who drove. This parent would stay at their car and our son would walk to the waiting car.

Doing this stopped all the ugly drama.

Do not walk out on your daughter. Fight for her.

Love your daughter more than you "hate" your ex.

Also find a men's divorce group to go to. 

Find "Parents Without Partners" group in your area. 

Do things like that where you can learn from others, share and get support.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Listen to these ladies. I've been there, too. Recordings, journal documentation, photos, my daughter's drawings and school work... it all paints a picture of who is the more stable parent.

My counselor told me "DO NOT ENGAGE". It took a couple months to get it down pat but basically, the only reason you two need to speak is about your daughter. I had to put a post-it by my phone a reminder. 
She may go off topic (sweet OR sour) you interrupt in the same polite, even tone: that the call was about [_____], if we can't talk about that now I'm going to hang up. Good bye" 

Just keep circling back to the topic and if she stonewalls you, say you are hanging up and do so.

Your other option is to ONLY deal with her in text or email and tell her that. Ignore the bait ALWAYS.

Do not abandon your child in this mess. She will NEED you. It sounds like your ex is very emotionally unstable. She may swing from love to hate with your daughter, making life difficult for her, too.

See if you can switch pick-up/drop-off at a very public place and don't even get out of your car if you have to meet her. Personally I switch at the local police department. There are cameras on the building, protection near by and I keep a copy of the order with me at all times.

Or if she is school age, pick her up after school on Friday, drop her off at school on Monday - or some such arrangement.


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## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

i just want to start off by saying thank you all for the support. I could never actually go through with it. i just hate feeling that way, and some days i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that she, or any individual for that matter, can be so hateful. I'm just taking it one day at a time. thank you again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope you read some things here that can help you.


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