# Affair of the heart



## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

I've been married for 29 years and my marriage has seen many changes. It seems like I've lost connection with my husband. He has cheated several times over the years and used to be very cruel. Lately I've had serious attraction to a man 17 years my senior. I don't know if he sees me the same way and I dare not ask. I just know that he treats me the way I would love to be treated. We have never crossed the line so much as once. Secretly I wish we would. Part of me feels bad but part of me doesn't. I don't know what is going to,happen in my marriage but I do,know I am losing interest daily. I don't even want him to touch me. And I certainly don't feel like being romantic no matter how hard I try...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are you still with your husband?? You should divorce your husband, seek IC to get your own house in order, and THEN seek another relationship if that's what you think you need.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why not just divorce? He's a serial cheater and you want nothing to do with him.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Why are you staying together? i often wonder why marriages exist pass their expiration date....when couples are more roommates then lovers.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your H cheated on you # of times and you stayed?

I don't get it, why?

As for this new guy. Do NOT lower yourself to your husbands standards. Go through the proper channels FIRST. Get your divorce out of the way and set yourself up to find what you desire/want in your life.

Clearly, your husbands is NOT that person.

Only other thing I would recommend to you is to take your time with this new guy. I know it's easy to just jump into bed with someone and let your private parts do the thinking etc.

I suggest you think with your brain first, heart second and private part first (heck I would say NEVER think with your heart/private parts).

Anyways, take your time and get to know this new man AFTER your divorce. Build a proper foundation and get to know him WELL before you jump into bed with him. It's your job to find out if he is just after a lay or a serious relationship!

Good luck


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP this other guy might know that you are vulnerable but unavailable and he has a chance of getting in your panties. He might run for the hills if he finds out you have left your husband and are available.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

I don't really know why I stayed...out of some sense of obligation I guess...I just know that I am falling for this guy more and more...and if opportunity knocked I would take it... My husband takes for granted what he has...I just want to feel like I matter...and yes I have tried to talk to him about how I feel... I'm not some person that just wants a new bed, I'm just tired!


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

What if this "new" guy is your boss...and you can tell there is a mutual attraction but neither of you wants to cross that line? The sexual tension is so intense you could cut it with a knife? You want him and you know he wants you but you both have too much respect for each other to go there. I'm stuck and I don't know where to turn....I know what I want but what I want may not be what is best! I don't want to cause anyone any pain...I just want to be valued...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Divorce. Do you have childen?

If you seek happiness elsewhere, give your husband the same opportunity.

Are you worried that if you file for divorce, your husband will beg you to stay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

My husband exercised HIS opportunities MANY times during this 29 yr union....it's not about what's fair or right for him anymore...I've given him a wife and a mother for his two sons....I haven't done anything yet...I only have the urge...


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

My sons are grown men...21 and 25 and I made sure they had the stability they needed throughout their life. I sacrificed when I needed to and maybe I'm being selfish but I deserve to be happy. That's just my opinion.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your crush is on a man whom you will probably outlive by decades. What have you thought about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You still haven't answer the question: Why are you still married?

Married women who cheat are the subjects of jokes and not taken seriously. 

Step out of your fantasy and take charge of your life. You sound like an 18 year old girl not a mother of grown children. 

Divorce your husband and then explore yourself. Leave married men alone too, it just cheapens your value.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

So my husband cheated MANY times and it's cool..but if I decide to cheat, I'm cheap...is that how it goes? I guess I understand I just don't agree...


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Him cheating doesn't give you the right to cheat. Its gives you the right to leave him! You are the one who has decided to stay with him regardless. Get out of the marriage. Then you can find someone good for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Get a divorce and then try your luck with the other guy. Don't be a cheater like your husband.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

DoF said:


> Your H cheated on you # of times and you stayed?
> 
> I don't get it, why?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: 

The worst time to start a relationship is when you are very lonely and craving connection. The new guy could just be taking advantage of how vulnerable you are right now. There is no doubt that being cheated on repeatedly affected your self-esteem.

Take the high road and leave your husband. 
I would also recommend being single for at least a year while seeing a therapist.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What if....you just told your husband what you have posted here? What if you stopped rug sweeping everything, brought it all out in the open. And you both decided to work together to end your marriage amicably?

Sure you deserve to be happy, but not at the cost to others....? How can that make you happy? You want this other guy? Great, go get him...right after you and your husband sit down and hash it all out.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is the other man married? Let's says he is......I want you think what the pitfalls that could happen here....
You could lose your marriage and your job if you continue this line.....are you ready for that out come...
I also want you to think about the only innocent party in this.....if your boss is married...his wife...does she deserve this


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

Many of u have good perspectives of my situation. I can see your points ...like I said it was an attraction, I hadn't done anything but I was leaning towards it out of the hurt that I am feeling. Chatting with u made me look things from a better point of view...thanks


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Notthatgreat said:


> I've been married for 29 years and my marriage has seen many changes. It seems like I've lost connection with my husband. He has cheated several times over the years and used to be very cruel. Lately I've had serious attraction to a man 17 years my senior. I don't know if he sees me the same way and I dare not ask. I just know that he treats me the way I would love to be treated. We have never crossed the line so much as once. Secretly I wish we would. Part of me feels bad but part of me doesn't. I don't know what is going to,happen in my marriage but I do,know I am losing interest daily. I don't even want him to touch me. And I certainly don't feel like being romantic no matter how hard I try...


Banging another man will not make your marriage better. Learning how to do so will. By getting the following books by Dr Harley. Surviving An Affair. His Needs Her Needs.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This thread sort of hits home for me, as my parents divorced after almost 32 years of marriage.

No one deserves to be bound in a loveless marriage, and I do believe that you're justified, to a degree, in feeling the way that you do, especially considering your husband's past affairs.

Having said that, feeling something and acting upon it are two completely different things. Are you certain that your marriage cannot be salvaged? If it could, would you welcome it?

Something else that you might not have considered just yet is how an affair may impact your children. I realize that they're grown, but you may be surprised at how this will affect them and, as a result, your relationship w/ them. Do they know about your husband's past indiscretions? If not, that information would almost certainly come to light soon after discovering that you've been unfaithful yourself. Talk about a sh*tstorm...

Whatever you decide to do, and regardless of your husband's past behavior, DO IT HONORABLY. 

If you decide to remain in your marriage, open up to your husband and be honest w/ him. Let him know what and how you're feeling. Individual AND marriage counseling may be in order. 

If you decide to move forward w/ any sort of relationship w/ another person, be up front w/ your husband about it and divorce before proceeding. After all, in the long run, retaining your self-respect -- as well as that of your children -- will be SO much more gratifying than engaging in infidelity.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

So divorce. Explain the situation to your husband.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Notthatgreat said:


> What if this "new" guy is your boss...and you can tell there is a mutual attraction but neither of you wants to cross that line? The sexual tension is so intense you could cut it with a knife? You want him and you know he wants you but you both have too much respect for each other to go there. I'm stuck and I don't know where to turn....I know what I want but what I want may not be what is best! I don't want to cause anyone any pain...*I just want to be valued..*.


And what "value" do you place on a cheating spouse? Read a few threads in the CWI (Coping with Infidelity) and see just how much value (and honor) is attributed to a cheater.

Having said that up front, I do get where you are coming from. I can remember during the bad times in my marriage I was tempted. In hindsight, I'm glad that I didn't succumb to temptation. I have kept my value and honor.

And I did eventually divorce my cheating husband. And I can now look back and feel good about myself. My sons are grown and understand why I divorced their father. And I continue to have their respect, love and support. 

If you are not happy in your marriage, and see no way to repair the damage, then leave it. Get a divorce. Only then can you seek out new relationships without the loss of your honor.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> I don't really know why I stayed...out of some sense of obligation I guess...I just know that I am falling for this guy more and more...and *if opportunity knocked I would take it.*.. My husband takes for granted what he has...I just want to feel like I matter...and yes I have tried to talk to him about how I feel.


Did you tell him THAT?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Notthatgreat said:


> So my husband cheated MANY times and it's cool..but if I decide to cheat, I'm cheap...is that how it goes? I guess I understand I just don't agree...


2 wrongs don't make a right.

If your husband cheated on you "many" times and you don't agree with it, you LEAVE.

Not stick around so that he can keep doing it.

Ask yourself, do you really want to be with a man that constantly is cheating on you. There is clearly no trust and he disrespects you with your actions.

You guys also have very little in common and it seems like there isn't a good reason to be married?

Why stay? 

Clearly there is no love here....


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

I agree with Gus Polinski...feeling something and acting on it are two different things. I feel something for another man but I have not been with him. We go out to lunch from time to time but that is about it. I'm not even denying that what I feel is wrong, but it's how I feel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told your husband that?


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## thejjones (Apr 9, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> OP this other guy might know that you are vulnerable but unavailable and he has a chance of getting in your panties. He might run for the hills if he finds out you have left your husband and are available.


I was thinking the same thing. I don't know the guy. He could be genuine and a really great person. But I have known so many guys to do this. They see a vulnerable woman and tailor their behavior to be the person they think the woman wants until they get what they want. 

Then they are gone.

This sounds harsh but you really can't trust any man until you get to know him very, very well. I'm sure men feel the same about women.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I think you need to end your marriage. What he has done is irredeemable, at least in terms of him staying your spouse. I don't think it would hurt to express your feeling s to your H, but I don't think it matters what he says in response. Your feelings for the other guy is the dead canary in the coal mine that is your M, indicating it is hopelessly poisonous.....


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> So my husband cheated MANY times and it's cool..but if I decide to cheat, I'm cheap...is that how it goes? I guess I understand I just don't agree...


You are belittling yourself and what you have been through by saying if he can do it so can you. If it doesn't matter if you cheat, then why did it matter to you when he did it?

It's like someone stealing from you and because you've been stolen from, saying that it's okay for you to then steal yourself. Just because someone did it to you does not make it okay for you to do it too.

If you want to be *that* person (the person you are envisioning who has a passionate affair with her boss), that is certainly your prerogative. Go right ahead, but you can never undo those choices. You will have to live with being *that* person and live with those choices for the rest of your life.

You could instead make better choices that allow you the freedom you so obviously crave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bottom line, how can you desire a man who will screw a married woman?


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> Have you told your husband that?


Have I told my husband what?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> Have I told my husband what?


This, obviously:


> I feel something for another man but I have not been with him. We go out to lunch from time to time but that is about it. I'm not even denying that what I feel is wrong, but it's how I feel.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> The worst time to start a relationship is when you are very lonely and craving connection. The new guy could just be taking advantage of how vulnerable you are right now. There is no doubt that being cheated on repeatedly affected your self-esteem.
> 
> ...


I've thought of that very thing. There is no doubt that my self esteem has SEVERELY damaged over the years. I take part ownership in that because I allowed certain behaviors to go on. This posts was more about what I was feeling for someone else. Even if we never do anything, I'm just expressing how deeply I have fallen for him. If my marriage end it won't be because I didn't give it my all or because I left him for someone else. I know I will need time to just be own my own. Not of that changes what I feel about this guy.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> This, obviously:


No I haven't told my husband that I feel something for another man...just like he never told me when he was with someone else...I'd find the pictures, letters, stuff in my car...etc. nor did he ever tell me that he had planned to leave me when I was pregnant with our first child, for another woman...I found that out from our Commanding Officer at the time. Does he know we go to lunch, yes...


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> Bottom line, how can you desire a man who will screw a married woman?


As I've said many times this is about more than going to bed with the man...this is about the attraction to him...It doesn't matter if we never do anything I'd still be attracted to him. If the opportunity came up I'm not sure that I wouldn't; where as before I would have never even thought about it or pursued it. That's just being honest.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

The title of my thread is affair if the heart only because my heart is soo wrapped up in this. You don't have to get into bed with someone to have an affair...just thinking about someone other than your spouse is still an affair. I just wanted to clear that up because some people seem to think that this man and I have already been in bed. I may want to but it has not gone that far. He has my heart and that's why I titled this the way I did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> No I haven't told my husband that I feel something for another man...just like he never told me when he was with someone else...I'd find the pictures, letters, stuff in my car...etc. nor did he ever tell me that he had planned to leave me when I was pregnant with our first child, for another woman...I found that out from our Commanding Officer at the time. Does he know we go to lunch, yes...


Why not?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> As I've said many times this is about more than going to bed with the man...this is about the attraction to him..


That wasn't my question. I wasn't asking about YOU screwing him. I was asking you about being attracted to a MAN who will screw (or even pursue) a MARRIED WOMAN.

I'm asking you to address HIS CHARACTER.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> Why not?


Not something I ever thought of doing...it won't change anything.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, you are doing it wrong and setting yourself up for a train wreck (from all perspectives).

Sorry

You lowered yourself to your husband's standards. Sad


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> Why not?





turnera said:


> That was my question. I wasn't asking about YOU screwing him. I was asking you about being attracted to a MAN who will screw (or even pursue) a MARRIED WOMAN.
> 
> I'm asking you to address HIS CHARACTER.


I understand what you're saying... I never thought of it that way...in my own hurt and loneliness I guess I'm not portraying good character either...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Notthatgreat said:


> I understand what you're saying... I never thought of it that way...in my own hurt and loneliness I guess I'm not portraying good character either...


Besides the fact that you haven't even gotten over your marriage/relationship and you are jumping into another one.

You need to HEAL. And healing takes time (months if not YEARS).........LONG LONG TIME before you are ready to even date.

And here you are ready to jump into bed with another ****ty man......

You are on a rebound OP and setting yourself up for complete failure.

Divorce > heal > when ready/healed start dating around and TAKE YOUR TIME


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> I understand what you're saying... I never thought of it that way...in my own hurt and loneliness I guess I'm not portraying good character either...


Well, that's another issue. My point is you SAY you want this other man cos he's all that when, in reality...he isn't.

You are in Affair Fog, which means you have lost the capability of thinking clearly or presenting reality. Look it up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want to portray good character to yourself, your family, your friends, do the MORAL thing. Divorce your husband and then pursue whomever you want.

Please trust me that cheating will haunt you the rest of your life. People will never look at you the same again. Ever. On my dad's deathbed, all I could think about was how he destroyed my family just to stroke his own ego. 

You'll get the same treatment, for forever.

Come on, you can do better than this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Notthatgreat said:


> Not something I ever thought of doing...it won't change anything.


Who cares if it changes anything. You'll at least be able to tell people that you acted with (some) integrity by warning your husband. To say nothing and then to cheat or even leave shows little character on your part. I'm sure SOMEone in your family (mother, father, sibling, aunt) expected more from you.


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

turnera said:


> Who cares if it changes anything. You'll at least be able to tell people that you acted with (some) integrity by warning your husband. To say nothing and then to cheat or even leave shows little character on your part. I'm sure SOMEone in your family (mother, father, sibling, aunt) expected more from you.


I've warned my husband a few times that I was unhappy. I didn't tell him I had feelings for someone else. If and when I decide I've had enough I still won't tell him that I have feelings for someone else, but it will be as amicable as I can make it. I don't know my parents or my siblings so I'm not sure what they would expect from me. My children would be the only ones I care about. They can tell I'm unhappy but I wouldn't want to hurt them.


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