# Where to go with Sex from here?



## walkrun (Jun 2, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 16years. We have one child. High school sweet hearts. We're the only sexual partner the other has ever had.We've NEVER, EVER had sex the way I read about on these posts (3-4x per week, etc). Despite my higher drive I’ve been fairly satisfied with the 1-2 times we did it in a month. When my child was born, however, sex dried up considerably. Over the last 4-5years sex was scarce and I have been through the gambit of emotions surrounding this issue. Begging her, pressuring her, guilting her into sex...all the while feeling more and more resentment about how little we had sex. 

While putting her through all that, I tried to tell her about the emotional connection that sex represented for me in our marriage and how important it was to me. All she could really say in response was: "Honey, I just DON’T feel the drive to have sex that much. I love you, but I just don't really even think about sex." Even though she was being completely honest, I think that statement made me resent her more. It gave me ammo...something to latch onto and feel I had a reason to resent her and make her feel bad. (I should tell you I'm deeply ashamed of all of this now). 

I had fallen into a pattern I see reflected in many other guys on this board: A deep feeling of sexual entitlement. As I fell down this horrible path to marital destruction, I picked up a lot of little tidbits along the way to "confirm" my resentment. I had started monitoring her computer use and eventually found her talking a lot about being sexually turned on by some celebrity. Although I never confronted her about it, I sunk deeper down and now my resentment became jealousy...and things just snowballed from there!

Somehow, thanks in large part to the amazing patience, love, and understanding of my wife, I pulled myself out of this mess. It started with realizing that my wife was NOT the problem. It was my perception of my wife and my expectations of what I thought my wife should be...I had pictured this woman who would eventually turn into someone who hungered for sex from me all the time, not the other way around. I had to make a conscious decision to love to woman I have instead of trying to turn her into the woman I wanted. When I stopped and decided to be honest with myself, I had to ask: 

Am I going to let 16 years of a wonderful monogamous relationship go down the toilet because of Sex? The answer is NO, because, bottom line, I CANNOT imagine my life better with any other person on this planet. Sex or not, I deeply love my wife! Now the question:

Where do I go with sex from here? I've acknowledged everything above to her. I've told here all about where my mind was and how terrible I feel about the sexual pressure I put on her for YEARS. She has admitted feeling the pressure and told me she is going to need time to tear down the walls of protection she built up against me. But can I ever expect her to want me sexually after all this? I'm afraid to even broach the subject because of everything I put her through, but the emotional connection of sex is something I really want to have us both feel again....


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> But can I ever expect her to want me sexually after all this? I'm afraid to even broach the subject because of everything I put her through, but the emotional connection of sex is something I really want to have us both feel again....


Personally, I think you are justifying her behavior/attitude towards you. . .hoping that if she sees you to be the wonderful, understanding, compassionate person you are, that she'll suddenly get turned on and be more reasonable about sex.

I mean, really. . .pressuring her to up the sex frequency from 1-2x/month? I mean wow. . .you must be some kind of oaf or ogre to want it more than that. What a horrible husband to place that expectation on her!

Take it from me - it won't happen - her coming around, if that's your goal.

Women in this psyche to do not respond to understanding, foot rubs, cleaning the house, etc, etc, etc, all the Pop-Oprah stuff. 

If you are truly prepared to lead a celibate life, more power to you. . .but to me, that isn't a marriage. Some people actually get married just thinking sex as not a main part of the equation; honestly that's what they are thinking.

I'll have kids. . .after that sex will stop. Then we'll get a big house, take vacations, raise the kids, etc, etc, etc. . .their heads are entirely elsewhere - on a different planet. I don't agree with your approach or your conclusions but I do wish you well nonetheless.

To answer your question. . .other than masturbation, there is no solution to your problem. You have created an unsolvable equation.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

walkrun said:


> I've acknowledged everything above to her. I've told here all about where my mind was and how terrible I feel about the sexual pressure I put on her for YEARS.


Well, I can tell you that right now I think I want you. hahahaha Just kidding. Really though, if saying those words to her didn't turn her on, then I have no idea what will. If my guy had said that to me, I'd be all over him. Well, maybe not because I can't imagine going through 16 years of that kind of pressure. So I'm not trying to judge either of you. I will commend you for loving your wife and being so devoted to your marriage. I REALLY want to commend you for realizing the error of your ways. What you spent those years doing is objectifying your wife. You treated her and expected her to be your own personal sex object. She felt that, resented it, rejected the notion, and she rejected you in the process. Good for her. Terrible for you, but you can see now that you created the situation. That's why, for the sake of your love, devotion, and your marriage, I'm really glad that you see now. I will concede that she has a degree of obligation. However, I cannot know all the things you did and said which you are not telling or cannot tell us that served to add to her resentment and therefore, lack of desire. Most often, men turn their wife off by pressuring her as you did, but also by their efforts to turn her on because they don't know what to do and what not to do.



walkrun said:


> She has admitted feeling the pressure and told me she is going to need time to tear down the walls of protection she built up against me. But can I ever expect her to want me sexually after all this?


Of course you can, but only if you accept that 1) it will take time like she said, and 2) it will take some work on your part, maybe a lot of work. Are you willing?



walkrun said:


> I'm afraid to even broach the subject because of everything I put her through, but the emotional connection of sex is something I really want to have us both feel again.


Don't broach the subject. Don't bring it up at all. But here is where your job comes in. And like I said, it may be a lot of work.

a) You've lived your marriage, by your own admission, placing expectations on your wife and pressuring her to give you sex. You have to learn to live without expectations. You have to learn to be expressive and communicative. You have to learn how to listen. You have to learn to be supportive and non-judgmental. And as much as you love her, you have to learn to love her unconditionally. You will tell her you love her and not expect her to say it back to you. You will walk up and hug her without expecting that hug to turn into sex. You will perform acts of service just to be nice without expecting her to warm up to you. So, the next time you buy her a dozen roses, don't expect anything in return. That's the whole point, not expecting anything in return. You have to become selfless in your deeds and desires. You have to give of yourself without conditions. This movie will show you how. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles. This book is a followup to the movie, so watch the movie and get the book. It will guide you every step of the way to rekindling your wife's desire.

b) Tune in to what your wife needs from you. She has emotional needs that she wants you to fulfill, and only you should. Better understand her love language so you are caretaker of her emotional well being and provider of her fulfillment and satisfaction.

c) I have a particular concern that you know how to make love to your wife and satisfy her sexually. There may be problems in a marriage and there may even be some psychological issues, but generally and ordinarily, a sexually gratified woman wants sex. If it feels good to her, she wants that feeling again and again, just like you. So she doesn't begin a relationship wanting sex only 1 or 2 times a month. She wants sexual satisfaction more often because, very simply, it feels good. A lot of men have a tendency to think that by virtue of sex being something that is pleasurable, then it also is pleasurable for the woman. But because entering her and being inside her feels good to you, that doesn't mean it feels good to her. You have to learn how to make it feel good to her. 

Also, it's possible you have to learn how to do other things besides intercourse that will make her feel good, such as oral sex. Most men are more than willing to perform oral sex on their wife, but there are some men who don't know how. They do it but don't do it well. If he does not bring her to orgasm, he doesn't do it well. If he does not drive her wild in the process, he doesn't do it well. If she says she doesn't like it, that is her way of telling him he doesn't do it well. If she complains it's too much, she is letting him know he doesn't do it well. The bad part is a lot of women don't know to teach a guy how to do it. Perhaps she never had a partner who did it well and therefore, she doesn't know how it should be done to her satisfaction. 

I'm sorry if this embarrasses you a little, but that is not my intention. I'm only suggesting you find books, websites, videos (not porn) that teach a man how to make love to a woman to learn of all her nerve centers and also teach how to perform oral sex. You don't have to respond by informing me of your sexual prowess. If nothing else, consider this a request and good idea to brush up on learned skills and become even better than you already are.

d) Rekindling your relationship and sexual satisfactions is something you both can work toward for each other, and it isn't as though you don't have your own love languages, as well. But if initially she isn't willing to participate, then don't pressure her and go about your tasks as planned.

Good luck to you both.


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