# I am at my wits and and don' know what to do!!!



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I have been suffering with severe chronic pain for the past several years. this no doubt has played some part in my sexless marriage. we have been together for almost 18 years and married for 12. We have 2 kids and we got married after the second was born. Then a year and a bit later he was diagnosed with autoimmune disease. This is around the time my H quits sleeping with me.

I tried several times over the years to talk to him about our intimacy issues,but I was always afraid of the potential answers. Finally, a few weeks ago, I asked if we could talk. I got so emotional about it that I couldn't get it all out. Then he left for work for 2 weeks. When he got home I asked if we could talk again. I asked him if he thought we could work our problem out by ourselves or get professional help.he asked what problem!!! Ah intimacy!!! and he said I was being too pushy about it. I should just let it run the course.

I carry a lot of guilt about our relationship and why it is where it is. I had a back operation that left me not too well off. But you know what?? I tried to keep my house. I did/do all the laundry,I did/do all the banking, I take care of my kids and go to all their parent teacher meetings alone. He broke his foot several years ago and when it bothers him(almost every day) I rub his foot/low leg for45 minutes minimum. He hurt his low back digging something and I massaged his back for over an hour. I've had 4 operations on my back and he never offers to rub my back or feet. He works away for weeks at a time. I phone him every night. I always say I love you before I hang up and he says I love you too. But if I don't say it first, he won't say it. Same thing holding hands. I don't remember the last time he kissed me

When I asked him what he thought made us stop having sex he says he's overweight and I'm overweight and it' just not very attractive, I was absolutely crushed!!! I admit that I let myself get bigger than I should have. I don't want to point the finger but rejection plays a part in this scenario. I don't feel,oversight until I look in the mirror. hen I look at my H I don't see the overweight man he has become. I see the man I fell in love with. Someone once told me that my hubby had it too good that I was too acommodating and he didn't appreciate what he had. I know that I've never felt like he put me on a pedastel.

Someone here suggested that I was only going to get sex if I was in the same bed. He goes to bed at 9:00. If I follow behind, he rolls over and goes to sleep. He has no desire to touch me.I feel nauseous right now!!! I don't understand why he would want to work this out when I obviously don't float his boat

For the past several months, I have been trying to discuss this with him. I just start to clam up especially if he starts to get angry. I will,take any and all reasonable measures to save my marriage, but I will,not beg him for sex. 

Any suggestions? Direction? Advice? I am willing to try just about anything.





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## amithatbad (Oct 22, 2012)

have you ever concidered if he has someone else?
I've yet to hear of man who isnt getting his sexual needs met from somewhere, if its not at home than where?
Hes cruel to say that to you ansd I undertand how you feel.
Maybe its time to forget the intamacy chat and start up the I'm leaving you chat


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

He's a selfish son of a gun.

tell him your back is hurting and you want a backrub, just like he got the leg rubs after his foot broke. 

Then roll over & tell him you want a breast rub & a crotch rub.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I wish you could go to marriage counseling and they could explain to him that for a marriage to work both partners needs must be met.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

In complete agreement with amithatbad. Your husband is a selfish d!ck. Quit catering to him. Okay, you need to lose some weight and he needs to lose some weight. That doesn't give him the right to make a cruel comment about it to you. Hey, if you don't want to lose a single ounce, that's your right.

If I was in your situation? I'd be having the maybe-it's-time-we-consider-separating discussion. Sorry, but I just don't think anyone should have to tolerate someone who is doing the bare minimum to make a marriage work. And I get particularly steamed when a spouse takes no initiative.

Your husband takes no initiative. I couldn't live with that. I did once, and I don't any longer. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and doing everything to make the marriage work. It wasn't going to work no matter how much effort I expended. That's when I left.

It's your life and your decision to make. Ultimately, it simply boils down to what you are willing to tolerate. When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.


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