# Receiving mixed signals from separated wife



## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

I've been separated from my wife of 11yrs since April 2012. I'm made big mistakes in my marriage all revoling around my addiction to alcohol. I'm currently in rehab and have 4 months sober and also have had IC and will be doing more counsling. So wife took kids and went back home and during this whole time she has been giving me mixed signals about the relationship and has told my sister that she still loves me and that it is to soon for her to come back. I get from her as of right now I still want a divorce or move on we are over etc. the latest two things was I asked her about custody paperwork or if she wanted to wait until the divorce and she said I'm not thinking about paperwork right now...but u must b bc that's all you talk about and then the next thing was try hard to get you right....don't worry bout me anymore.....that's over. I've wrote letters and told her how much I cared etc. I'm sending one last letter and I'm done, but I'm scared that my marriage is really over!!! We still are buying birthday gifts for kids as one and the last two times I was back home we did family funcation together and all this is confussing to me!!!! If I bring up divorce she shuts down and has no response what so ever. The other day I said if you really want me to move on then why won't you talk to me about the paperwork or if you just tell me that you found someone else and you don't love me then it will hurt but maybe I'll be able to move on, but once again no response just shut down and stopped texting. I don't know what to do any help or suggestions please!!!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Read up on the 180 and I would have here served D papers. JMO


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

what is your logic behind serving her divorce papers....she has done nothing wrong for me to do that and we are separated because of my miss doings....I honestly don't want a divorce and I have told her this!!!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

MyWifeandKids said:


> I get from her as of right now I still want a divorce or move on *we are over* etc.


The more you grovel and beg her to stay the less respect she has for you. Keep working on your sobriety, hit the gym HARD, get a different hair cut, new cloths, etc...The best way to make her regret leaving is to show her, you'll let her leave. 

The only thing you should be contacting her for is issues with the kids and the logistics of the marriage/divorce. The longer she controls this situation the worse it is for you!


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

that's the thing when I try to talk about the logistics of the divorce she shuts down and dosen't want to talk about it!!! It's just hard on me we have been together for 14 years and it seems like she is willing to through away 14 years of each being together with divorce without even talking about the issue!! I do here your advice through!!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Here is my perspective on the "we spent xx years together and they are willing to just throw it away."....."I can't believe I wasted xx years of my life and I wont waste another minute."


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MyWifeandKids said:


> that's the thing when I try to talk about the logistics of the divorce she shuts down and dosen't want to talk about it!!! It's just hard on me we have been together for 14 years and it seems like she is willing to through away 14 years of each being together with divorce without even talking about the issue!! I do here your advice through!!


It's been 5 months since the separation. You have been sober for 4 months. ( congratulations ). You were married for 14 years. Possibly your wife is having doubts about divorcing you. You'll need to be patient is all. Why are you in a hurry for this? What sort of things did she put up with while you were drinking and how long had you been an alcoholic? Could it be that she is waiting to see how seriously you are taking recovery? Have you done this all before only to back slide?


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

I have been an alcoholic for 16 yrs...I am 32. The heavy drinking didn't start until 2005 and along with that came infidelity as I was using the other female to feed my addiction...If I didn't have the money to pay for my addiction she did and this happened twice with someone else that was a bartender. I'm in anyway happy with myself or what I have done!!! She has ask me so many times to stop drinking and I would just brush it off and then one time I did stop but started back up. I love my wife so much and i'm not so much in a hurry to get her back it's more that I am scared that I will never get her back!!!! I am continuing to work on my soberity and also seeking counseling for myself to better improve self and became a better person the person I was before my addiction took me on this ride to hell.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks for the honest answers. I'll be blunt, it sounds to me from what you have said about affairs and heavy drinking for 7+ years that she is going to need time to let the dust settle. You know you have treated her very poorly and it takes time to heal. How long is anybodies guess. If she does take you back she's one hell of a woman and I hope you can appreciate and live up to how much trust and forgiveness that is going to take on her part. I am not experienced with alcoholism or addiction in general as I've never had one so perhaps there are others here that can offer more direction and guidance.


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

I understand that she needs time to for the dust to settle and you are right if she does take me back she is a hell of a woman, but regardless if she does or doesn't she still is a hell of a woman and mother!!! All I can do right now is continue to better myself and work on my soberity and just prove myself and If it takes years to do then that's what I'll do, because I love my wife with everything I have!!!


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

MyWifeandKids said:


> I understand that she needs time to for the dust to settle and you are right if she does take me back she is a hell of a woman, but regardless if she does or doesn't she still is a hell of a woman and mother!!! All I can do right now is continue to better myself and work on my soberity and just prove myself and If it takes years to do then that's what I'll do, because I love my wife with everything I have!!!


Friend, I suggest you get the book, "How to help your spouse recover from your affair."

You're wife shuts you down becuase your response to her pain at your infidelity is to suggest you walk. she is looking for you to own your choices and work on the marriage.

It is up to her to set the conditions for ongoing marriage; not you.

Buy the book, read it, live it.

I also reccomend "Hold on to your N.U.T.s" Along with AA, it will help you change who you are and help your wife regain trust.


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

WalkingInLight said:


> Friend, I suggest you get the book, "How to help your spouse recover from your affair."
> 
> You're wife shuts you down becuase your response to her pain at your infidelity is to suggest you walk. she is looking for you to own your choices and work on the marriage.
> 
> ...


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

Ok so it's been 7 days without any contact with my wife besides when I call on Saturday's to speak with kids and all that is is hello my I speak with kids and afterwards I just hang up the phone....I started counseling again for myself (FC) I guess my thing is how do I show her that I've made some improvement for myself and that I'm committed to my marriage and family when she is 8 hours away and not calling or texting me at all....I know it's her decision to stay in the marriage or go, but I just want to let her know that I'm not just sitting on my back side doing nothing to better myself and fight for my family.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

MyWifeandKids said:


> Ok so it's been 7 days without any contact with my wife besides when I call on Saturday's to speak with kids and all that is is hello my I speak with kids and afterwards I just hang up the phone....I started counseling again for myself (FC) *I guess my thing is how do I show her that I've made some improvement for myself *and that I'm committed to my marriage and family when she is 8 hours away and not calling or texting me at all....I know it's her decision to stay in the marriage or go, but I just want to let her know that I'm not just sitting on my back side doing nothing to better myself and fight for my family.


If the improvement is for yourself, you wouldn't be worried about getting her to notice. 

IMO the 180 works, but not always in R. If you do the 180 and work on yourself and she takes notice and wants R with the new you, you win. If she doesn't and you do the 180 and work on yourself and she still goes through with D, then you are already on the right path to healing and becoming a better person, in turn you attract a better spouse. IMO/IME the 180 is a win/win for the person doing it.


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