# 180 Advice



## Smooth1981

Long story short, married 9 years, 2 kids, I am 36 and wife is 35. 2 years ago wife had emotion/possible physical affair while I was deployed. Came home and separated for 7 months. Moved back in together and pretty much been living separate lives in separate rooms. Hardly any sex or real connection. Went 180 about a month ago...now I noticed she texts me now to go out to eat, to do things ect. I so far have politely denied all requests. During the separation I was weak and needy, now I’m strong, going back to school while still active duty military and have been moving forward to other things pretty much leaving her behind now and I sense she feels that control is slipping away. I basically “Manned up!” And stopped allowing myself to continue to be disrespected. The guy she was having the affair with moved away with a girl he knocked up and as far as I know is not in the picture (could still be messaging who knows). She still really hasn’t been upfront about anything dealing with the affair. I just feel I can’t move forward but I’m not sure if she is making little strides to get to that point cause I’m denying all advances. 

So my question is....what should I do?


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## Yeswecan

Continue on the path you are on. Why spend you life wondering and watching your possible W like a hawk? There are plenty out there who will respect you and be faithful.


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## jlg07

The question is, do you want to R or D? can you get past the fact that she cheated on you?
Perhaps you should try to investigate to see if she is still cheating (maybe not with original, but...)


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## Taxman

Experiment: If she asks you for dinner, go with her. Let her know at the outset that it is dinner and not a date. That will set the tone. Let her do the talking. If she gives you an opening, let her know in no uncertain terms that the life she is experiencing now is as a direct result of her affair. If she asks about the future, say that you are observing and are weighing whether or not you see a life with her, but let her know as well that her actions both current and in the past are affecting the status of this relationship. Remember this, she is the one that had the affair. That is all on her, and the destruction of the marriage following is as well all on her. Let her know that if you do decide to want a reconciliation, it will be up to her to fix what was done. IF and only if YOU decide that you want her.

As you have little except past transgressions to go on. Let her do the talking, and you can then properly assess whether she is even worth the trouble. As I said to a client recently, as he is weighing whether or not to divorce: "Can you honestly see yourself married and happy with this person, 5, then 10, then 20 years in the future? If you cannot honestly say yes, then you have your answer.


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## SentHereForAReason

Tough one man.

- How did you find out about affair and what did you find?
- What is her response to affair, what does she admit to or deny?
- Who's idea was it for a separation?
- When confronted with affair, was she remorseful, wanting to work things out?
- Does she put any blame on your for the marriage suffering?


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## AtMyEnd

Smooth1981 said:


> Long story short, married 9 years, 2 kids, I am 36 and wife is 35. 2 years ago wife had emotion/possible physical affair while I was deployed. Came home and separated for 7 months. Moved back in together and pretty much been living separate lives in separate rooms. Hardly any sex or real connection. Went 180 about a month ago...now I noticed she texts me now to go out to eat, to do things ect. I so far have politely denied all requests. During the separation I was weak and needy, now I’m strong, going back to school while still active duty military and have been moving forward to other things pretty much leaving her behind now and I sense she feels that control is slipping away. I basically “Manned up!” And stopped allowing myself to continue to be disrespected. The guy she was having the affair with moved away with a girl he knocked up and as far as I know is not in the picture (could still be messaging who knows). She still really hasn’t been upfront about anything dealing with the affair. I just feel I can’t move forward but I’m not sure if she is making little strides to get to that point cause I’m denying all advances.
> 
> So my question is....what should I do?


I had a very similar situation, I found texts on my wife's phone, sexual in nature from him but nothing sexual back from my wife. She pretty much refused to be upfront about anything regarding it other then that they were just friends and she didn't know why he would send something like he did. To me there wasn't enough there to imply she did anything but text another man. I too kind of fell apart for a while and lost who I was. Then I did the 180 as well, things did level out between us and seemed like they were getting better, but more importantly I was better. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I felt something was off again so I checked her phone. This time I found proof of an affair and we're now divorcing. I don't know if it's that emotionally I was used to it and expecting it to happen again or if it's just that because I worked on myself and got me back to being me, but it honestly didn't even upset me when I found what I found. I was shocked because the affair was with a good friend of mine, but I wasn't upset.

All I can really tell you is to continue doing what you've been doing working on yourself. Maybe accept her invitations out from time to time but not all the time. Let her see more and more that you're ok without her but still want to be with her. Things may improve and even become great because of it, but if they don't and you do end up splitting up, you'll be a much stronger person because of it. And trust me, if she is still in contact with him or anyone else, it will all come out eventually. She will slip up at some point. Just do what you've been doing and trust your gut.


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## TJW

Taxman said:


> Let her know that if you do decide to want a reconciliation, it will be up to her to fix what was done. IF and only if YOU decide that you want her.


And, IF you are still "available" when she decides to get busy on fixing....Chances are, you may not be....



Taxman said:


> Let her do the talking, and you can then properly assess whether she is even worth the trouble.


Yep. I made the assessment. And, guess what? The benefit wasn't worth the pain of allowing some nymphomaniac who had never been faithful to screw around with my emotional welfare. Let those poor schtups of hers reap the benefits of their sin and their adultery, and let her reap the benefits of hers. Not ME. I am not her "savior"...if she needs one, she has the Lord Jesus Christ for her Savior. She can go talk to Him....she never asked for my forgiveness.....however, when I "180ed"....I found that forgiving her was far easier than before. Now, that she had no impact on me and my life and my career and my activities.

That's where the "180" shines.... you become "detached" from Her Royal Drama Highness. She no longer influences your life, your decisions. your efforts toward reconciliation (believe me, mine all STOPPED)...this was HER PROBLEM if reconciliation was what she wanted. But, guess what? I didn't want it anymore. I forgave her, but I was not even close to ready to put myself back into her sphere of influence.


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## Smooth1981

The separation back in 2016 was her idea. While I was deployed she said the classic cheater line of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” coming back I was devastated but she seemed like she was in a midlife crisis. Going out to the bars (never was a big drinker 8 years together), hanging out worth that guy “friend” ect. I found out cause my kids told me everything. I found texts that weren’t sexual but inappropriate for a married woman to be talking to some guy. She doesn’t seem remorseful at all. I can admit I had some issues in the marriage and I could have been a better husband but I never cheated


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## Smooth1981

The 180 has worked wonders but I’m lonely as hell and it would be nice to have female companionship, affection, sex ect. Right now without her even taking any blame, it’s hard to look at her. There is a lot of resentment because of it but we have children. Roommate status sucks


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## jlg07

" She doesn’t seem remorseful at all. I can admit I had some issues in the marriage and I could have been a better husband but I never cheated"
If this is the case then you reconciling with her will NEVER work. You would be better off Divorcing, especially since the children KNEW ABOUT IT!! You need to show to your kids that this type of thing is NOT what a marriage is about - lead by example. YOU did nothing wrong -- it is 100% on her, nothing to do with you at all. Keep with the 180 so that YOU can detach from this "thing" that used to be your wife -- she is NOT the person that you think you know -- you are looking at an illusion, and a pretty poor one at that.


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## Smooth1981

I’m leaning towards divorce as well. She started a new job as a RN so I’m going to give her a few months then more than likely I’ll end it. I transfer Duty stations in a year anyways so Atleast I have a light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s funny she just texted me now and said “My family wants us to join them on a family vacation and it would be nice if all the family is together, but I know you are to kiddy for that” what she fails to understand is when I’m done, I’m done!


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## jlg07

Smooth1981 said:


> I’m leaning towards divorce as well. She started a new job as a RN so I’m going to give her a few months then more than likely I’ll end it. I transfer Duty stations in a year anyways so Atleast I have a light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> It’s funny she just texted me now and said “My family wants us to join them on a family vacation and it would be nice if all the family is together, but I know you are to kiddy for that” what she fails to understand is when I’m done, I’m done!


Too "kiddy"? Does she mean immature? SHE, who CHEATED and is not remorseful, is saying **** like this to you now? WTF, she has NO respect for you -- there would be NO chance at R with this attitude of hers.
Did you tell HER family that she cheated on you? If NOT you need to....


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## Bananapeel

When she's trying to bait you like that just ignore her. Don't play those games with her and only engage in contact with her on your terms.


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## Smooth1981

Her parents are big bro the church and don’t believe in divorce. I can’t prove a physical affair but I can damn sure prove an emotional affair. Her parents told me to let God handle it. I think she has some mental stuff going on like a midlife crisis or something. But she starting to see the grass is not greener now but she still not fully remorseful for anything. So I’m gonna take everyone’s advice And stop talking to her and continue the 180


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## oldshirt

I think Morgan Freeman said it best in Shawshank Redemption - "Get busy living or get busy dying. "

In this case, get busy trying to reconcile and moving forward with your lives together if it can be done. Or get busy divorcing and moving on with your life without her. 

Either way, get busy moving on with life. 

Right now you are just marking time. 

If you are lonely and want a special someone in your life, then you have two options - try to reconcile and work it out with her. 

Or leave her behind and find someone else. 

Either option is legit but either way you'll need to $h1+ or get off the pot.


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## Lostinthought61

God is handling it he sent you to one of his lawyers.


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## BluesPower

@oldshirt is right. Make a decision. 

But let's get real, she had a physical, sexual affair when you were deployed. Adults don't drink, hang out, text all the time, and not have sex. 

So, you may not have pictures, but you know it happened. 

Now, if you cannot get past that, file for divorce, tomorrow. 

As far as anything and everything that you did wrong about handling the affair to start with, well, it does not matter if you cannot get past the fact that she had an affair. 

I mean we can tell you how to deal with all that, but if a physical affair and it is a deal breaker, the other stuff does not matter, because yes they slept together.


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## Marc878

Smooth1981 said:


> The separation back in 2016 was her idea. While I was deployed she said the classic cheater line of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” coming back I was devastated but she seemed like she was in a midlife crisis. Going out to the bars (never was a big drinker 8 years together), hanging out worth that guy “friend” ect. I found out cause my kids told me everything. I found texts that weren’t sexual but inappropriate for a married woman to be talking to some guy. She doesn’t seem remorseful at all. I can admit I had some issues in the marriage and I could have been a better husband but I never cheated


Separation was for her to try out the other man with you out of the way. It was a sexual affair. You should have filed rather than let her play you. The only one who can keep you where you are is you.

You can't R with a remourseless cheater. The affair is all on her. Guilt tripping yourself is an excuse to not make a decision. 

You rugsweep this it'll come back to haunt you


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## Marc878

Smooth1981 said:


> Her parents are big bro the church and don’t believe in divorce. I can’t prove a physical affair but I can damn sure prove an emotional affair. *Her parents told me to let God handle it.* I think she has some mental stuff going on like a midlife crisis or something. But she starting to see the grass is not greener now but she still not fully remorseful for anything. So I’m gonna take everyone’s advice And stop talking to her and continue the 180


Total bull****. They are looking out for her not you.


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## Smooth1981

I agree. That’s why I’m working towards finalization. Meeting with a lawyer tomorrow actually to get legal advice as the base doesn’t deal with civil matters


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Smooth1981 said:


> Her parents are big bro the church and don’t believe in divorce. I can’t prove a physical affair but I can damn sure prove an emotional affair. Her parents told me to let God handle it. I think she has some mental stuff going on like a midlife crisis or something. But she starting to see the grass is not greener now but she still not fully remorseful for anything. So I’m gonna take everyone’s advice And stop talking to her and continue the 180


Not remorseful then what is the point of continuing? 
I think she wants to string you along for half your military retirement.
Have a hard talk with her. A real one.


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## Betrayedone

Just going to open old wounds, man, don't go there.........


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## TJW

Smooth1981 said:


> Her parents are big bro the church and don’t believe in divorce.
> I can’t prove a physical affair but I can damn sure prove an emotional affair. Her parents told me to let God handle it.


Then, your reply to them might be, "...I am letting God handle it...the job of making a decent, morally-upright, believing christian woman out of your daughter..... is now ALL HIS. It's really too bad that you let God "handle it" when He instructed YOU to do this...."



Smooth1981 said:


> I think she has some mental stuff going on like a midlife crisis or something.


That may be....in fact, I think this is evidence that God is "handling it". Matthew 13:24-30 is The Parable of the Wheat and Tares. Jesus explained that this parable is a picture of the "end of the age", the final judgement....However, the principle described by our Lord is also an accurate description of "mid-life-crisis". Mid-life crisis is the "childhood version" of the end judgement.



Smooth1981 said:


> So I’m gonna take everyone’s advice And stop talking to her and continue the 180


Yes, sir. There is no better, and no quicker, way to "let God handle it". The old trite platitude "..let go, and let God.." may be overused, but it is quite worthily applied in this situation.

God is going to shoot.... He's just waiting for you to get out of the way.....


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## Smooth1981

I appreciate the advice. I believe in the consensus. She apparently has lost all respect for me after her affair. She used the classic cheater line “Love you but not in love with you”. It’s crazy how much of a 180 she did. Got caught up with alcohol and hanging out with “guy” friends. She never used to be like that in the 8 years prior. She said she hated who she was then and that she had more fun with her friends in 9 months then she did with me in 9 years


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## Marc878

Good then tell her she can do it permanently. Set her free and you'll also free yourself.

You have no future with an unremorseful cheater


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## Townes

I know it hurts but she's giving you a gift being so unremorseful. What decision is there to make? I think it's much harder to figure out what to do when the person seems genuinely remorseful.


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## Smooth1981

Thank you all it is greatly appreciated!! Some days are definitely better than others. I want to date again and find a woman who will love me for me and to enjoy life.


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