# Why does this have to be hard



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Ok one of them days and well I dont talk to to many people so guess I will do what everyone else does and post on here.

Im trying to get through this one day at a time but coming home to a house with no one to greet you sucks. Im the type that dont like being by myself which I guess this will make me stand on my own. My wife dropped the ILYBNILWY back in may and I knew where that was heading and well come end of june she was talking about separation. After July it was decided to just go with a divorce. Of course after she first dropped those words I became clingy and wanting to fix any problems. We didnt have many problems I never called her names or nothing like that I always put her up a pedastil and I should not have. Then after she left I done all the wrong things at first. After the first couple weeks I got my head together somewhat and just cut off all ties with her because she is looking for any reason to try and make herself upset with me. 

This stuff is tiring I find myself wanting to txt or talk with her but I dont. I mean how do people get through this stuff grrr.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

One day at a time.....

Hang in there


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks. I just dont understand this stuff one person remains faithful the whole time and another one decides to start a relationship while in a marriage wtf is wrong with people? I heard the your a great husband and stuff and thinking if Im so great why are you walking out? It just doesnt make sense but oh well. It feels like you have lost a big part of yourself going through this stuff.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I understand completely!
Just take care of yourself - you will find someone who wants to be in a marriage and loving, trusting relationship.

She's isn't the one - I'm sorry you had to get hurt to find that out


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I hope so but Im not looking anytime soon for sure. I have made the comment that I will never get married again. It just seems like after going through this I dont think I could open up again to be hurt like that. I put every part of me into my marriage and got dropped like it wasnt nothing. The bad part is I really thought she was the one like every fiber in my being knew she was but I guess sometimes we dont know people like we think we do. It hurts like H#ll but I want let her know that no more. Its like that song im not over you by gavin somebody. How long have you been going through this stuff justagirl?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I've said I wouldn't get married either...so I know what you mean.

My stbexH and I started having problems after my son was born really - he's 10 now. But life happens and we stayed in it. Some good times, some bad. I would say the last 3-4 years, we (and I guess mainly I) haven't been happy. I'm just not happy with a husband that doesn't show love. Maybe I changed, I don't know but all I know is, I tried talking to him....I asked we get some help, I told him MONTHS before leaving I wanted to separate etc...he did nothing. So....it's hard to answer that question. It's been 3-4 years I've been so unhappy, sad and unfullfilled but we've been separated for 7 months...TOMORROW! lol

All I know is:::if a loved one says they "think" you (as a couple) needs something - do everything you can to make that happen. It's about what "they" percieve and if you nip that in the bud, things can get better. Only don't do what mine did and laugh at me. I've been in therapy now since October and although I don't go as much as I did before I left him, it helps talking to someone I can say ANYTHING to and I don't have to worry about hurting them....

And that's the long answer lol


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Thanks. I just dont understand this stuff one person remains faithful the whole time and another one decides to start a relationship while in a marriage wtf is wrong with people? I heard the your a great husband and stuff and thinking if Im so great why are you walking out? It just doesnt make sense but oh well. It feels like you have lost a big part of yourself going through this stuff.



I'm right there with you man. I'm on month 4 of separation from a wife who decided to go sleep around last fall. I was faithful and played by the rules. Turns out you end up getting played when you do that. It sucks. Like you said, I also go home to no one and its a strange feeling. I just hope to file smoothly in November and leave it all behind. Just keep moving forward somehow. They say it gets better over time. That is my hope to keep pushing on.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Struggle Within said:


> I'm right there with you man. I'm on month 4 of separation from a wife who decided to go sleep around last fall. I was faithful and played by the rules. Turns out you end up getting played when you do that. It sucks. Like you said, I also go home to no one and its a strange feeling. I just hope to file smoothly in November and leave it all behind. Just keep moving forward somehow. They say it gets better over time. That is my hope to keep pushing on.




Im hoping it will get better because it definately sucks right now. I agree try to do the right thing and it bites you and we are left standing there like wtf! If I would have seen this coming it would be alot different but I didnt. Sometimes life throws us curb balls for sure. What gets me is the other person just goes on like its nothing I dont understand this and alot of people said it hits them later but still its weird to me. One day at a time and hour by hour sometimes but hey we will all get there one day. Something we believed in so much kicked us in the rear.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> I've said I wouldn't get married either...so I know what you mean.
> 
> My stbexH and I started having problems after my son was born really - he's 10 now. But life happens and we stayed in it. Some good times, some bad. I would say the last 3-4 years, we (and I guess mainly I) haven't been happy. I'm just not happy with a husband that doesn't show love. Maybe I changed, I don't know but all I know is, I tried talking to him....I asked we get some help, I told him MONTHS before leaving I wanted to separate etc...he did nothing. So....it's hard to answer that question. It's been 3-4 years I've been so unhappy, sad and unfullfilled but we've been separated for 7 months...TOMORROW! lol
> 
> ...


Ah that sucks lostgirl in my case if things would have been brought out if there had been some issues it could and would have been fixed but dating someone else not never a good reason for that. Marriage is a marriage and it takes alot of work and I understand that and was giving it my all but hey stuff happens I guess. Its weird you think you have found that perfect one then they just throw you for a loop.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I think the worst part is....you didn't see it coming!
You somehow blame yourself for that, but don't....
Don't you do it!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

That is the worse part for me so far. I mean we did not have many problems that could not have been fixed no infidelity no name calling we had arguments but who doesnt? Im trying not to blame myself but the last times I talked to her which has been a while she tried to put it all on me and part of me is like dang did I really caues all of this you know? I dont know but it really sucks this is a living H3ll!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

It takes two....remember that!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I try to remember that but I dont know. I just find myself wanting to talk to her but I know it is best that I have no communication at this point. I would love to have my wife back but I know that is not going to happen either but hey life goes on I guess


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Yes....
Try to have a good weekend, keep busy, call on your friends and family - put it all in God's hands


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks you too I will be around here some. My big thing is I dont like talking to people about my issues for some reason but I find it easy to post on here


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Its absolutely ****e going through this. There are many of us on here who are feeling the same. 

Bigs hugs. Stay strong.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks Drsparkle I tell you at first Im like dang im the only one going through this stuff then after finding this place Im like Im not alone I kinda wish I was though. Marriage is not what it use to be to people they jump ship way too quick now.

Big Hugs to you too . We will get through it.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

It's the the fact that most everyone here has, is or will be going through the same thing as you are ;o) It helps to know you are not alone in this madness. In a strange way it gives you comfort and clarity about the issues facing you right now. There is not usually one thing that led to this, but a culmination of things. And one can be caught off guard, surprised...but the reality of a situation. You are in good company and it will help you to move forward.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks hesnothappy. This part of life does not make sense they say everything has a lesson to it and shoot I wish I knew what I was suppose to be learning out of this besides some of the obvious. I think part of me is scared because I dont know what life is gonna look like without her around. Its something we had sit down and planned out was our furture together I dont know Im just kind of trying to pick up the pieces and it is hard. I guess today will be another one of those days but oh well.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Lost,

I am right there with you...... I have the same thoughts and worries about my future. All our plans and dreams just gone now.....And for the life lessons...I am smart enough now...I am ready to not " learn " that way anymore..

I am having a day today too....I am going to pick up my boy in a bit from his moms...I haven't told him about any of this yet so today has the potential to be a sad day...He is really attached to my stbxw.....I wanted to sit down all together and talk about it but she didn't.... 

My stbxw shows no emotion or any regret in any of this which makes me feel even more unloved or appreciated....Inside I hope that she will come to her senses and call or come home but that is just making it worse for me....I hope that part will eventually fade. 

I have fought the urge to call,text or email her....It is hard to do and each day seems different. Just try to distract yourself and change your thoughts when you think about the future and all that...It seems like it takes alittle to get through it.... but for me, I find a way, either looking here or playing with the dogs and the feeling passes and I get a little stronger...She is missing out on the best of me and I am sure it is the same for you....Keep your head up and know that its gonna be a tough road but you will be fine....


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Forever Learning man we are right there together. How long have you been going through this ordeal? I finding myself wanting her to call or txt and come to her senses and like you it is making it harder on myself. My wife also shows no emotion or regret going through any of this and it makes me wonder why am I taking it so hard? I feel like everything I put into the realationship was a waste of time. 

Im trying to keep myself distracted but it is hard right now as I am sure your aware. I hope your talk goes well today let me know how that goes. My son liked my stbxw but right now he is real upset because of what it has caused me to endure and I dont want him upset with her but I cant change his mind. And your right they are missing out on the best parts of us right now but its hard for me to convince myself of this because she dont seem to be missing anything and that makes it so hard. 

Look forward to hearing back from you.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

When my big headed azz H left (while I as at work) he took what I had come to know as normal and positive...my SD, I didn't have children of my own so I poured all my motherly instinct into her. Well he decided he wasn't happy and left, leaving me to deal with it all by myself, hurt, heart ache, diappointment, bills, etc. I didn't know where to turn, but I knew it was not my fault, so I opened up to family and friends who became my support system. It took 10 weeks for me to stop crying everyday and most of the time on those days. But continuous prayer and time helped me heal. I got up everyday ready to do battle with the emotional, physical demons penetrating my life. Soon I was going to the movies by myself, and dinner and whatever I felt like doing. I came here several times everday and read and posted and before you know it I was healed (or at least for the most part) Now I see I had and now I have no more,but I am still me and I still have a life to enjoy. I will be praying for you guys and ask that you pray for me....it is not easy, but we got this....there is not alternative!


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Hello Lost, I know how badly you feel. Out of no where it felt like I buckled and was down on the ground, dagger in my heart, and an emptiness I couldn't get rid of. I read everything I could get my hands on. People said it would get better. I wanted to believe them but didn't understand how it could. I trusted my ex & worked so hard to make him feel loved but just like too man others, out of the blue an OW was in his life. Some people are selfish & that we cannot change. Although they might just be words to you right now, the pain does lessen. You can help it along by believing that you are a good person who deserves to have a kind loyal person in his life, not a selfish and unfair one. Hang in there and get the support of all of the caring and experienced people on TAM!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> When my big headed azz H left (while I as at work) he took what I had come to know as normal and positive...my SD, I didn't have children of my own so I poured all my motherly instinct into her. Well he decided he wasn't happy and left, leaving me to deal with it all by myself, hurt, heart ache, diappointment, bills, etc. I didn't know where to turn, but I knew it was not my fault, so I opened up to family and friends who became my support system. It took 10 weeks for me to stop crying everyday and most of the time on those days. But continuous prayer and time helped me heal. I got up everyday ready to do battle with the emotional, physical demons penetrating my life. Soon I was going to the movies by myself, and dinner and whatever I felt like doing. I came here several times everday and read and posted and before you know it I was healed (or at least for the most part) Now I see I had and now I have no more,but I am still me and I still have a life to enjoy. I will be praying for you guys and ask that you pray for me....it is not easy, but we got this....there is not alternative!


I appreciate the prayers and I will praying for you also. It definately flips your world upside down when something like this happens. I never thought I would handle something this bad. Do you get to see your SD at all? I hate that its seems like the kids get stuck in the middle of this mess. I miss my SD and SS but hey what can I do. It just doesnt make sense to tear apart a family and I will never understand that. If I could get past the wishing it will make it easier but right now I dont know what to do. It has gotten better but its still not the same coming home to a empty house and it just sinks in.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

52flower said:


> Hello Lost, I know how badly you feel. Out of no where it felt like I buckled and was down on the ground, dagger in my heart, and an emptiness I couldn't get rid of. I read everything I could get my hands on. People said it would get better. I wanted to believe them but didn't understand how it could. I trusted my ex & worked so hard to make him feel loved but just like too man others, out of the blue an OW was in his life. Some people are selfish & that we cannot change. Although they might just be words to you right now, the pain does lessen. You can help it along by believing that you are a good person who deserves to have a kind loyal person in his life, not a selfish and unfair one. Hang in there and get the support of all of the caring and experienced people on TAM!


Sorry to hear about your situation. I appreciate the words of encouragement. This is definately the hardest thing I have ever been through and am sure that is the same with all of us. I keep hearing that it will get better also and i want to believe it but its just hard to see that right now. Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. It seems like it is a never ending battle right now.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks - it's still hard but I'm doing much better. It takes time to heal. Selfish people seem to want it all, especially what they do not have. Don't give in to her. She chose to leave you so do not text or call unless you feel she is making a genuine effort & is truly remorseful & puts your feeling first. If she feels that she made a mistake, let her prove it to you (if you at that point are interested). Whether you reconcile or not, you need to show that you respect yourself. That's the only way she will respect you.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

52flower said:


> Thanks - it's still hard but I'm doing much better. It takes time to heal. Selfish people seem to want it all, especially what they do not have. Don't give in to her. She chose to leave you so do not text or call unless you feel she is making a genuine effort & is truly remorseful & puts your feeling first. If she feels that she made a mistake, let her prove it to you (if you at that point are interested). Whether you reconcile or not, you need to show that you respect yourself. That's the only way she will respect you.



It is definately one of the hardest things to get through it seems. Nope not going to call or txt and I doubt she will realize it before its too late because it wont be long until the divorce is final. Healing is what is taking time but that is my focus although it is hard its something that we have to face I guess. Im hoping one day I will just wake up and it was just a bad dream but so much for that thinking. How long have you been going through this?


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

It seems that there are a few of us in the same boat....Today has been up and down for me.....The wx sucks and my boy was petty bummed about finding out his step mom is not here...He took it pretty good though...He asked a few questions. I answered the best I could....The one that really made me think ...

Why did she have to leave ? How do you answer a 10 1/2 year old when you don't know 100% why yourself? 

So I don't know.... its a day I guess. 

We went out and about and had some fun...can't help but feel the void. I wonder if she even thinks about us...
I want to ask her if she is happy being gone... living with her GF and son...renting a room instead of living in our nice home...I want to ask if it was so bad with me that she would leave and break up our family....I want to tell her the grass is not greener
on the other side...( I know first hand ) Her being gone and not contacting me at all.... is my answer I guess and its a tough one....
Big hugs to everyone that is here


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

You know, I don't have many people I can talk to about what is going on with me, as well. So I post on here. I love this forum, actually, because it's not a pity party. Well, it can be sometimes, but also it can be really supportive and you can get a lot of good ideas about helping yourself from these stories. (I never would have found the 180 Degrees rules, or marriedmansexlife.com were it not for this site.)

But you've got to find a MAN in your life that can help you with this. My friend in Florida is helping me a lot with my problems right now. Just a call can really take the edge off your needy/clingy attitude. And us men REALLY hate being that guy. Right now I'm using the 180 Degrees rules to help myself and my sanity, and I am reading up on marriedmansexlife.com blog for some insight into the idea of "Gamma Male." I was once desirable. Somewhere along the way that got lost. I have to find it again. And I want to find it with my wife. This is something that will require patience and work. And it may not pan out. But if it makes me a better person, it was not all for nothing.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

forever learning said:


> It seems that there are a few of us in the same boat....Today has been up and down for me.....The wx sucks and my boy was petty bummed about finding out his step mom is not here...He took it pretty good though...He asked a few questions. I answered the best I could....The one that really made me think ...
> 
> Why did she have to leave ? How do you answer a 10 1/2 year old when you don't know 100% why yourself?
> 
> ...


I know what you mean man my son is young also and asked the same question because he did like her. I would like to ask the same questions but in the end its not worth it let them figure it out. Just stay strong and dont contact her at all one day they will have to face the music too. Thats great that you and your son went out and had a good time. Anything you can do to keep your mind off stuff which means you have to do alot . Its been up and down for me as well the last couple days but it will be ok.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Muppet I agree with you 100%. I read on this forum for a bit before I joined and it helps out alot just to be able to express your feelings and know that your not the only one going through it. Its great support for sure and has giving me alot of insight on things.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Lost, I have not seen nor heard from my lil princess (she just turned 13) I feel that she is getting it from both sides, her daddy is probably prohibiting her from contacting me so she don't tell his business ;o) and her momma is glad I am not there taking care of her daughter so she probably disuades her from contacting me. I texted her three time in April with no reply ;o( So I am like Phuck it, I will let her be too. If she ever needs me, I am always just a phone call away. I love her very much, but I don't want to make her or my life complicated. And I ain't gonna be no ones fool ;o) I do miss her a lot though, but she falls into the 180 program too LOLOL 

@ FL I have learned, they probably do think about us and the decisions they have made, but they don't think what we want them to think for sure, or they would not have made the decisions they have. What ever their motivation for leaving must be pretty enticing. My H left me and is not living in a old plain building and on the bus, because I made him bring back the car I had helped him get through my CU and I was not gonna have no man driving other women around in a car in my name. I used to wonder, how could anyone have been that unhappy and I not see it??????? But he musta been really unhappy is all I know. But all that is not my reality any longer and I don't want to hear nothing about nuthin!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Yep that is the way I feel to that has been one of the hardest things because they did not do nothing to deserve going through this but at the same time I dont want them to feel awkard but I still love them very much and would do whatever I could to help them. 

Hrmm I think sometimes when people introduce another party or other people period into the dynamics of a relationship they can be persuaded about there own happiness some people forget misery loves company.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well, my SD was just getting ready to get into her teen years and things was probably gonna change any way, so I look at it as God knew I was not the one to tolerate all the foolishness I hear comes with the terrible teens LOLOLOL so, again I am like Charlie Sheen "Winning"


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

LOL I understand that. Sounds like you were a good role model though and she will never forget that because Im sure you made a lasting impression on her. Im dreading the teen years with my son and its not far away . I dont understand what it is that makes someone walk away from a steady household and tear a family apart.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

To answer the question - he had an affair that lasted 6 months, broke it off & moved back. We worked on reconciliation for 2 1/2 years when he decided to move out with another OW. That was 2 years ago. Our divorce has been final for over half a year. I also wanted to know if the grass was greener, if he was happier, if he thought she was a better woman than me. As much as I wanted to know, I didn't ask because I didn't think I could face his yes answers. Recently he said he lost so much, made a stupid mistake, and wishes he could come back. But I take his words with a grain of salt as they are probably just words that come & go with his moods. I don't think he truly understands the agonizing pain that betrayal causes. You are listening, thinking, & feeling the help on this site. I think you are doing as well as can be expected. Be positive & strong; you'll be fine.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks flower. I dont think a WS really understands the hurt and pain they cause someone by doing what they done. And then if or when they get to the point they think they made a stupid mistake etc what are we suppose to do? Sometimes they think we should just take them back and jump up and down but after all we have been through ummmm no.


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