# Drop wife for girlfriend - this usually fails?



## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

I've been struggling with my wife for a year, the issues are many after 20 years together and raising a family. After telling her many times the simple things she could do to save our marriage she simply will not change. Maybe I'm the bad guy too, who knows. I decided around last May that our marriage would likely end. At that point I tried a few more times then gave up. Now I am breaking communication with my wife because I don't want to try any longer.

Now I have a girlfriend. She knows I'm married of course but she remains in the picture.

This girlfriend: I don't know her all that well yet, but so far she's a better companion than my wife. I have my reservations about her but I'm also trusting my instinct which says she's the one for me.

I'd be planning to separate from my wife anyway but now that the girlfriend has come along I think things will be moving along faster in that direction. If the girlfriend doesn't turn out to be my longterm soulmate, at least I appreciate that she helped me make the change I need.

Question is: if a guy is married, picks up a girlfriend, then divorces his wife -- is it almost always the case that the guy and his girlfriend don't end up together much longer? Statistically speaking, what are the odds?

My cousin was at a similar point in his life, about 50, married all the years, raised a family. Found a girlfriend. Divorced. Then almost the same day his divorce was done his girlfriend dumped him. Forbidden fruit or something I guess. I don't think my present girlfriend is with me owing to this phenomenon but I thought I'd ask the experts here.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Dude, really?


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Well, since I was cheated on I am probably not the right person to answer this question. So, I'll just say I hope your wife finds out and takes you for everything you have. You sir have no honor and karma is a bi$$h. Shame on you for doing this. AND NO, your relationship will not last with your affair partner because you both have serious issues getting involved with each other while YOU ARE still married. People make my head hurt.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're with a woman who has such low morals that she'd knowingly be with a married man and sneak around behind the man's wife's back.
Your gf has already been married multiple times. Your wife is a decent decent enough person that one of the few complaints you can come up with is she doesn't walk fast enough.

So regardless of the statistics, you are going to wind up heartbroken and lonely. Your poor wife may take you back........ Maybe not.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

There are countless betrayed husbands who would have given their left nut for their wife to not cheat and/or give them plenty of sex. Your wife has been faithful for over 20 years and gives you great sex, yet you want to trade her in for a better model.

The karma bus was just seen doing a U-turn and is gunning for you now.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You don't discuss your issue in the marriage but unless she's been having or had an affair of her own, what you're doing is much worse. This woman has been with you for 20 years and is the mother of your kids. How can you betray her like that? 

That "girlfriend" that you think is all that is not a quality woman. No woman of worth would be sneaking around with a married father. If you abandon your family for this homewrecker, within a few months when you see another man getting your wife's best and being around your kids, you'll rue the day you met this Jezebel.


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## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife is a decent decent enough person that one of the few complaints you can come up with is she doesn't walk fast enough.


Wish it were that simple but I can walk as slow as a snail she still won't be at my side and that eats very deep(!!). I have never seen a couple like us, in public, so who are you to speculate what it feels like year after year you can't even enjoy a moment together with your wife because she meanders behind you like a little freak. That is a different thread. Among other things she does not talk to me ever evenings, and never wants to leave the house. I try, try, try, try, try and talk talk talk she will not change. I'm OUT. Get it? 

Yes we had a 20 year sex life and that was daily sex. Every day and many times twice a day. My wife loved that every bit as much as I did. Maybe that's why she never wants to leave the house. I have a very healthy heart and that means great flow and wonderful times for her. Oddly enough the girlfriend I have now has been in two relationships over the last 12 years or so and both men were totally weak in bed! Once every 10 days and just **** service for her. I think men are just as bad as women at sex. I have been a super lover for my wife and she loved the passion. We had that going for 20 years. But that is not what makes a happy marriage -- or is it? Is that all there is?

What I want to know is -- statistically speaking, what are the odds that I will stay with this girlfriend? Probably less than 1/10.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am a motor head. I have always collected gasoline motors of all kinds. 

I love to work on really old ones. 

I have this two cylinder 35 HP Johnson 2-stroke outboard motor that I have been tinkering with for years. It runs like crap. One of the cylinders has low compression. The head bolts are stripped. Some knucklehead used the wrong sized socket wrench on those bolts. 

I tried an old trick....pounding a smaller 12 pt. metric socket over the mangled hex bolts. I got all the old bolts out but one. That one snapped off.

Now I am screwed. They do not make spare parts for my old oil burner.

So are you. You put an american stud in a foreign hole, twisted hard and now it is broken off flush. Now you have two blind holes with a broken stud in them.

Soon you will not be screwed. No women will have you.


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## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your gf has already been married multiple times.
> Your poor wife may take you back........ Maybe not.


My gf was legally married once for 19 years (physically abusive husband, arranged marriage) and raised 5 kids and ran a couple of businesses. Very aggressive in business. In one of her businesses she fell for a younger employee, left her husband to move in with him but that was a bad relationship that didn't last. Then she did have two more relationships lasting 6 years or so, as I recall. Both of those relationships she exited on her own accord, as far as I know. So this gf has a history of leaving. However I trust my intuition and I think she was in a type of survival mode with kids and did what she had to do to get help from men to raise them. Now the kids are gone and sorry to say I fell in love with her. It could be a bad setup.

It is really stupid of my wife who basically showed me the door. I did NOT want to leave her. But her behavior just ate and ate and ate at me. Our older kids are in college so there won't be another man around my kids. Believe me, I've already thought about my wife with some other man and it does not bother me at all, for the moment at least. I simply regard her as someone who is extremely stubborn and even acts like an 80 year old the way she stays home and is just simply a fart. 

The other thing is, I built up a really nice, debt-free, healthy, financially sound collection of assets and I know she's getting half but even with that, I walk away fine. It sucks so bad that we have to split all that though. Really really I hate it. I wish so much that we could just keep it together and basically retire right now but what fun would that be with someone like her?

Appreciate any feedback too. Thanks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

For a sexual Apollo like yourself, probably at least 99.9%.

But if you break up, there's always another. Just steer clear of marriage. It bores you.

Depleted uranium.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You know it will fail. You have a runaway on your hands. You two are on that new relationship high. How long will that last? Is the walking behind you the only complaint you have about your wife? Because if it is, dude that’s weak! This marriage is a good one by any measure or at least it used to be.


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## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

EunuchMonk said:


> Is the walking behind you the only complaint you have about your wife? Because if it is, dude that’s weak! This marriage is a good one by any measure or at least it used to be.


Probably me then, my fault. But yes that is the deal. I can't go anywhere with an actual companion I have this turd behind me and she laughs it off like it's just a joke that I complain about it. I just can't stand her any longer. And now that the kids are gone I realize that I am married to someone who doesn't want to leave the house. Plus other issues.

The girlfriend is very active in the outdoors and goes anywhere, swims, etc. There are some red flags but the fact is, I am not leaving a happy marriage to hook up with this other person. I have an extremely stubborn wife and looking at the next 20 years there will be very little adventure. I met her while living in her country and studying at a university, and my entire life I've been adventurous far more than most. I settled down for 20 years and was an epic father raising brilliant kids in a prestigious neighborhood and I was Dad AND Mom (she never set foot in a classroom, organized a birthday party, zip zilch nada). I'm done with that phase of my life. 

My wife has no idea how stupid she is in absolutely disregarding it when all I say is that I simply want to walk hand-in-hand and feel a companion and actually sit down and talk together at night! What a nice guy wants to enjoy talking to his wife? What a nice guy wants to walk together with his wife summer evenings and breathe fresh air and feel alive? 

If I never see her again after we divorce I don't care. I feel kind of used by her but somehow the brilliance that arose during our marriage may have never sparked if it weren't for her. We did together design and invent a consumer product that became somewhat popular and is making money and it was entirely my idea and I did all the legwork on research but she did a fair share in key aspects. Our kids are absolutely the pinnacle of achievement and they are now thriving, perfectly fine without us. In fact our oldest just sent me grades and her favorite subject genetics she is got top marks. How happy I can be with these kids. I am not going to be dragged down for the next 20 years though.

Thank you for listening. I may sound like a jerk. It is what it is.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your gf lacks character though if she'll sleep with a married man, so you really aren't gaining much, there. Maybe you should leave your wife, if you are not happy in your marriage, but ALSO leave your gf.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Your gf lacks character though if she'll sleep with a married man, so you really aren't gaining much, there. Maybe you should leave your wife, if you are not happy in your marriage, but ALSO leave your gf.


That is likely going to happen anyway, over time. She is just a distraction now but OP does have valid issues in his marriage.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your unhappy with your wife because she's a homebody. This is the woman you successfully raised kids with, probably has been to through 20 years of life's up and downs by your side, and is sexing you everyday? 

You say you don't care if she's with another man but I'm telling you, it is going to CRUSH you when you see your wife of 20 years looking lovingly into another man's eyes. Then when this new gal, who likes to be out and about, will be tossing you aside for the new flavor of the month.

@becareful2 is right. The karma bus is heading straight for you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

This new gf has issues, but so do you. It may last or it may not. 

If you are done with your marriage, then leave. It will crush your wife, but that is no longer your problem. She is better off alone anyway. You have no respect for her and that is very sad. 

You don't love your wife anymore because your heart is filled with OW. Your wife didn't stand a chance once you cheated. The excuses you tell yourself for leaving doesn't change the fact that you broke your vows and your promises to her. You will sadly pay for that. It was your choice to take the coward's way out by setting nest elsewhere before ending your 20 marriage with the mother of your children. They will never see you the same. That is where the Karma bus is going to hit you the hardest.

I hope you at least have your gf to compensate for so much loss coming your way. I hope she makes you happy and content with the path you have taken.

Your affair was an exit affair. It was your way of making sure your wife would not want to stay with you. She may not see it that way right away though. Remember that you are way too far ahead of her in this detachment, no love, I'm done road that she is going to embark once the truth is known.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Does your wife know you have a girlfriend yet? Or were you ever planning to tell her?

Probably not, right? You will just tell her you want a divorce and then never speak to her again and if she's asks if there's anyone else, you will say no, even though you are already asking us here if your relationship with the girlfriend will last or not.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

To answer the original question, sometimes affairs turn into long term relationships and marriage. Not a good way to bet, but I know someone it happened to. 

My guess is that only happens if there was something seriously wrong with the original betrayed spouse. More often though the problem is with the spouse who is cheating, and those problems persist into the next relationship.


As far as right / wrong: I don't see any point in judging the morality of others.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@Guth I know this is long but please read all of it. Okay, a lot of people are saying you and your girlfriend have no morals. I won't say that because I don't know you, and besides, even people who usually have acted morally in the past can get involved with an affair partner. 

So putting morality completely aside, I'm 99% sure the only reason you feel love for your new girlfriend is chemicals. Yes, really.

Everything we feel is created by chemicals in our brain. Chemicals can make us happy, chemicals (or the lack of them) can make us sad, chemicals can make us terrified or angry or, yes, enamored. The chemicals that you currently have floating around in your brain are called dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine. These dull physical and emotional pain, induce euphoria, and create an attachment to whom or whatever happens to be nearby when these chemicals are released. If I were to hook your brain up to a bunch of wires that could somehow flood your neurotransmitters with these chemicals every time you looked at a picture of Swiss cheese, it'd be a matter of weeks at most before you developed a SERIOUS addiction to Swiss cheese sandwiches. 

Unfortunately, as I have learned the hard way, humans are not biologically designed to support these chemicals flooding through your brain for very long. The timeline is about 2 or 3 years, maybe a few months more if your relationship is particularly titillating. If human beings could withstand huge amounts of these chemicals for decades at a time, there wouldn't be any such thing as drug addictions. 

Think of how heroin addiction happens. You take some opiates, and they feel pretty good. You take some more the next day, and more feels REALLY good. You keep doing that for three or four weeks, and it starts feeling less good. You need more and more of the drug to achieve the same good feelings. Suddenly, before you realise what's happened, you've robbed a dozen people and sold everything you own to get enough money for your next fix.

Chemically speaking, dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine are similar to morphine and heroin. Therefore, just like a heroin addict has to score a little more heroin every time he uses in order to feel good, you have to love and be loved by your paramour a little harder, a little longer, a little more passionately in order to achieve the same feelings of being in love. So you might start inviting her to coffee, then to the movies, then to fancy Italian dinners, then you escalate to grand vacations, a marriage proposal in Paris, an enormous wedding that would put the Royal Couple to shame... You need grander and grander romance to feel good with her. 

But once you're married, how do you ever live up to the same wild, unbridled passion that you had on your honeymoon? You can't. It is not possible. Every single day for the next thirty, forty, fifty years CANNOT be as majestic, sweet, and passionate as the best day of your honeymoon. And as married life with your girlfriend-turned-wife goes on, the chemicals die off because you need more and more romance to feel good, but you've already reached the peak, and there's nowhere to go but down.

That moment- wherein the love starts to die down and the chemicals fade and suddenly, without the chemical high, you and your partner just become two imperfect, annoying people and your fairytale becomes plain old ordinary stressful boring _life_ ...that's what everyone here is talking about when they say the Karma bus will hit you. In the end, your relationship with your girlfriend will look depressingly similar to the relationship you currently have with your wife.

This is bound to happen in every single relationship you have, even if your partner has NO flaws whatsoever (but she does) says and does EVERYTHING exactly the way you hope she would (but she won't) and can have the stamina of a wildcat in bed every time (but she can't). It's just the way our brains work. We cannot be in love forever. We just simply can't.

I'm sorry.


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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

Síocháin said:


> Well, since I was cheated on I am probably not the right person to answer this question. So, I'll just say I hope your wife finds out and takes you for everything you have. You sir have no honor and karma is a bi$$h. Shame on you for doing this. AND NO, your relationship will not last with your affair partner because you both have serious issues getting involved with each other while YOU ARE still married. People make my head hurt.


People make my head hurt too!!


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

You are missing the point. You are a cheater. Plain and simple.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

How long have you been with the gf?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Guth said:


> I've been struggling with my wife for a year, the issues are many after 20 years together and raising a family. After telling her many times the simple things she could do to save our marriage she simply will not change. Maybe I'm the bad guy too, who knows. I decided around last May that our marriage would likely end. At that point I tried a few more times then gave up. Now I am breaking communication with my wife because I don't want to try any longer.
> 
> Now I have a girlfriend. She knows I'm married of course but she remains in the picture.
> 
> ...



Ha Ha, I can't say what I really want to but I will say I hope your wife meets the man or her dreams. You are not a good person, seek help. Learn about honor. Your hope for a good relationship is doomed until you do. What you will have is short ones built on sex and drama. It will be fun at first but like junk food you will soon tire of it. Then you will be stuck in the same situation with someone else. The way you exited your marriage shows you are not ready to do the hard things that is need to have a good one. That is with anyone.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Your gf lacks character though if she'll sleep with a married man, so you really aren't gaining much, there. Maybe you should leave your wife, if you are not happy in your marriage, but ALSO leave your gf.


Both their lack of character means they will be unhappy and unfulfilled.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> I hope you at least have your gf to compensate for so much loss coming your way. I hope she makes you happy and content with the path you have taken.


I don't.

Just saying. 0


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Why you didn't separate and file for divorce before finding someone new to stick it to is beyond me. I don't think you even deserve a warning honk from the karma bus. I bet you've been double dipping, still banging the dull boring fart of a wife and little miss adventure.

I hope your wife takes you for all she can, and finds the hottest variety of boyfriends to have the time of her life with. I bet she will walk next to them. Maybe it's just YOU she doesn't want to be next to in public.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

The OP is rewriting the history of his marriage right before our eyes. He now calls her a turd, which I have never seen him do in his other threads. 

OP, what you're doing to your wife is cruel and wicked. I hope the karma bus runs your azz over, backs up, and runs you over again.

I hope your wife finds a man far more honorable and loving than you. I hope he makes her feel so safe and so loved, she'll happily walk alongside him with her arm wrapped around his, and call him the love of her life.

We reap what we sow, and you're about to reap a bountiful harvest with this homewrecker you've just found.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, you are a cheater and you want our advice on... what? How to be a better cheater?

Oh, right...








[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Guth said:


> Question is: if a guy is married, picks up a girlfriend, then divorces his wife -- is it almost always the case that the guy and his girlfriend don't end up together much longer? Statistically speaking, what are the odds?


Statistically, less than 5%. 

I hope you're fully prepared for the fallout that's coming for you OP. When your kids get wind of this, they will NEVER look at you the same way again. By hurting their mother this way, you're also hurting them. And you can forget about them welcoming your piece. She'll never be anything to them except the wh0re who broke up their family.

But go ahead...enjoy your two bit, homewrecking wh0re. I hope the incredibly high price (and I don't mean financially) you're about to pay is worth it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your only "error"....err-her, was cheating on your wife in the first place.

The watt in the lamp is this.....You were unhappy in your marriage?.....Divorce first, then take on a new relationship(s).

How simple, yet how totally ignored by so many. 

This "new" GF would have waited for you to divorce. If not, her under-weight would be become an issue.

As it stands, [on weak legs], you were impatient, a hungry cheater.

Weak turds flow downhill, in the end....[no, out the end] will settle out and equal a crappy life. That will be the [on going] view from your children, your ex wife and most relatives. Your image is now tainted.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I have a possibly unique perspective on this, at least on this board.

I left my wife for another woman and we have been happily married for almost 20 years, but I know now that I was extremely lucky to have a good outcome.

In addition, my reason for leaving was that I had been emotionally abused and couldn't take it any more, not an apparently trivial complaint of the ones you have been mentioning.

So I wouldn't recommend you do this even though I am one of the exceptions to the rule that says it won't come out well.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Statistically, less than 5%.
> 
> I hope you're fully prepared for the fallout that's coming for you OP. *When your kids get wind of this, they will NEVER look at you the same way again. By hurting their mother this way, you're also hurting them.* And you can forget about them welcoming your piece. *She'll never be anything to them except the wh0re who broke up their family.
> *
> But go ahead...enjoy your two bit, homewrecking wh0re. I hope the incredibly high price (and I don't mean financially) you're about to pay is worth it.


This is so true. Kids are affected by divorce. Even adult children. The 2 of you are supposed to be their refuge but you're tearing it asunder in a most disrespectful way. 

To betray your wife of 20 years in such a shabby way will not go unpunished by your kids. Doesn't matter that you were the more involved parent. The injustice will override all you've done.They're not going to think, "Dad did all the work with us all these years, he deserves a new love." No they will think that all those years you were a big phony who was dying to leave the family and will rally around their mom leaving you alone. 

As for the chances of things working out with Ms homewrecker, they are not good. Relationships built on the foundation of ashes of adultery don't pan out to well.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Guth said:


> Question is: if a guy is married, picks up a girlfriend, then divorces his wife -- is it almost always the case that the guy and his girlfriend don't end up together much longer? Statistically speaking, what are the odds?


The reason these types of things typically fail 98% of the time or more, is because the people involved have serious issues, whether it's mental illness, lack of morality or compassion for others, dishonesty or deception are rampant in the very core of your- I mean their- personality.

So the cheating followed by a subsequent failed relationship isn't because of the situation that led up to it, it's due to the lack of moral compass and the inability of the cheater and the affair partner to have normal, consistent, committed relationships.

In other words, the odds are close to 100% that you're already screwed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

20 years of her life she spent with him.
Great sex she gave you, DAILY.
Helped him (his own words) build a successful business.
You CHOSE to marry her.

Let be tell you how we men handle your problems with your wife:

They don't talk enough? You talk to your make friends and develop friendships with men the like to talk about man stuff.

Your wife doesn't walk beside you?
You hold her hand and be patient. If it takes years for her to get on the same page, you do it---because she's your wife.

She doesn't do enough around the house and you have plenty of money? Hire a maid.

She doesn't give you good back rubs? Go to a masseuse.

Or, you ask her for a divorce because you don't feel she cares enough for meeting your needs. Then leave her.

What you don't do is run off on month long cheating adventures with women who will be long gone when the free fun slacks off or slightest hardship begins.
This **** you're banging on the side has no shame to be with a married man. You don't either.

Your wife isn't perfect, but she seems to lead her life without complaint. Secret: you aren't perfect, either. Will your next woman be able to tolerate all your imperfections? I don't think so. You're a cheater. That's a pretty big flaw.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Makes me angry to read this .

You cheated and call your wife of 20 years names and complain about her over frivolous matters . Then say it eats into you .

It eats you up because you want to leave her for your gf and you need to condemn her to justify yourself . 

Is your wife complaining that you walk too far ahead of her , that you dont hold her hand n talk to her , THAT SHE KNOWS YOU CHEATED AND TRYING HER BEST TO SWALLOW THAT DOWN QUIETLY TO KEEP THE FAMILY INTACT , you dumb azz .

Just reminds me of my ex , complaining about me while abusing me . Now , he is trying to worm back in . Oops , i dont take back rotten goods , fool me once , never a second .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

So totally lacking in remorse 

The least you could do was to acknowledge your own faults that you were of low morals n cheated .


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

tripad said:


> So totally lacking in remorse
> 
> The least you could do was to acknowledge your own faults that you were of low morals n cheated .


You are expecting way too much. Cheaters with this sort of mindset are incapable of any sort of serious honest self introspection and accountability. What they ARE good at is blameshifting, denial, and rationalization.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Just...no words


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## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

First of all I have been telling my wife for the last 12-18 months that I am an unhappy husband. The reason is she never wants to leave the house. I make effort to go out with her and she meanders behind. This is no small matter obviously nobody here has encountered it. Some of you say it’s all my fault, if I were a better man she’d be right at my side. Well you don’t know me but I measure up in every respect and my wife is deeply in love with me but she is very stubborn and in her proud style (could be cultural here) once I ask something she buckles down and won't do it. So draw your own conclusions. The kids are older now and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life frustrated the few times I can coax my wife out of the house. 

By the way married couples all around me are falling apart at the exact same juncture. I was attacked here August 2015 when I started the thread asking for help in getting my wife to be more of a companion but at least I am here asking for help.

For 20 years I had to be dad and mom. She has been a miserable mother when it came to getting the kids into sports, taking them out (NEVER took them out of the house), watching their homework, etc. I did it all and wow did I ever. Now I look at her and have ill thoughts of her contribution

In March 2016 I said we are headed for divorce. I could have not been more clear. The next day she pretended we never had the talk.

May 2016 we had our 20 year anniversary and it was a bad day entirely. I decided no way can I stay with her. We had another talk of divorce around September this year, and that was after we had been separated 6 weeks. So this is not all coming out of the blue!

Again about a month ago I said to her, every single night for the entire year you never come to bed with me. EVER. You stay up all night watching youtube tv shows recorded from her country. Why can’t we sit and talk? Why so I have to beg her to talk to me? She puts out a bunch of bills on the table like she has to stay up to do that, but then sits until 1:00 AM and watches tv. You can all say that's my fault and I should have done something different. But facts are facts she is chasing me away. Maybe that's what she wants. 

The day after I spoke to her about the staying up all night, and told her how serious I am about leaving, she came and sat with me after about 8:00 PM and we just sat there and talked and she never went out to her Youtube tv and we made love and it was wonderful. The very next day and every day after she went back to her old routine. 

For the last month or so I have decided to do what she does. I occupy myself and never speak to her after our son goes to bed and I come to bed late. I’ve said, how do you like it? Do you know how frustrated I am that you don’t come to bed? I go to bed alone every night and you think I enjoy being married to you?

Someone here is obsessed with the fact that "she gave me sex every day for 20 years" well she was a taker not a giver. She got every bit or more enjoyment from it. 

She has gained a solid 40 lbs in recent 2 years. Wow. Doesn't care for herself but I am a health nut.

Another person mentioned the brain chemicals that are flowing now that I met another woman. Yes I agree. Thank you. I know it's not natural or longterm. I have to deal with that. All my life I have had to deal with neurological issues that are just coming to light as I learn more. I am probably some level of Aspergers because I can brilliantly solve and execute on some levels with perfection but socially awkward and insensitive. Now I am in this situation with the new woman and I am probably not thinking about the feelings of others. I know that.

Many here have said that cultural understanding is key and I am in a cross-cultural marriage so I better recognize that. Well as many know I lived in her country and speak her language so if anyone understands the cultural implications it's me. So I will tell you something else, to broaden YOUR cultural horizons. And I appreciate any feedback. My wife's father had three wives. He had the first wife (my wife's mom) then when he was around mid 40s he took too more wives and they were sisters. So welcome to cultural sensitivity training, how do you reconcile that with your American demand of perfect sequential divorce? Her mother and father never divorced either. He had two more kids with each new wife. It did not play out well for him either, as he couldn't keep up with his business and then worked himself to death to support the two new wives. Sometimes I think my own wife WANTS to be like her mother, a poor victim with a philandering husband. She sure showed me the door.

Regarding this girlfriend. There are some red flags. Let me tell you, even though many here are convinced I’m just a scoundrel. For one thing, my girlfriend is drop dead gorgeous. No lie. That alone causes me some concern. Like, everywhere she goes people are looking at her as a beautiful woman. She’s 50 and has the body of a 23 year old cheerleader. It’s genetics. No stretch marks, nothing. Very pretty face and zero fat, if anything a bit too skinny. In the looks department she could do better than me. Plus how do I deal with always walking around with a very attractive woman? What does she see in me? I have researched the boyfriend she had previous 6 years and he was very middle-of-the-road and not a high earner. She says she loves me and for many reasons we are a super match. She loves to hold hands. She is very active, as she swims back and forth across lakes, kayaks, nothing stops her from enjoying the outdoors. She also has, I believe, lost a load of money gambling!! She is like a gambling addict(?) and I know that is a disease like alcoholism. Maybe she has some huge gambling debt? It’s possible. There could be a really dark side. On the other hand, she says she lost money in casinos but still goes. I saw her at a card table and she can play with the best of them. I do not gamble and regard this as very foolish.

I have aged quite a lot the last two years because of our business and the fact that I am responsible for absolutely everything, not by choice. I need to get rid of the company (sell it) or figure out the best way out of that animal. For the last 8 months I’ve pioneered a great project to automate a lot of it and modernize everything, and I’m just weeks away from total completion. Maybe one week away. After that I NEED a break.

I am going to separate from my wife entire months of January/February and possibly March. Much of that time I am going to spend away from my home, with the girlfriend. I think my wife will not want to divorce. I think I may discover that this girlfriend business is not for me. I need time away. So I will take it. My wife is forgiving and will take me back if she ever discovers what is happening, but I don’t know if I want her back. If she sees this new woman though, she will fall apart totally because of how attractive she is. My wife does not like to have ugly truths out in the open, she’d rather “don’t ask don’t tell”. I am sure of that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Your wife doesn't want to know that her husband has a boyfriend.

Right.

Wait until your kids find out daddy had a girlfriend for months and was cheating long before he had the balls to just file for divorce. Nice way to show your kids how to behave with integrity. Not.

Just get an attorney and divorce her!! This is incredibly cruel and sickening.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Guth said:


> First of all I have been telling my wife for the last 12-18 months that I am an unhappy husband. The reason is she never wants to leave the house. I make effort to go out with her and she meanders behind. This is no small matter obviously nobody here has encountered it. Some of you say it’s all my fault, if I were a better man she’d be right at my side. Well you don’t know me but I measure up in every respect and my wife is deeply in love with me but she is very stubborn and in her proud style (could be cultural here) once I ask something she buckles down and won't do it. So draw your own conclusions. The kids are older now and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life frustrated the few times I can coax my wife out of the house.
> 
> By the way married couples all around me are falling apart at the exact same juncture. I was attacked here August 2015 when I started the thread asking for help in getting my wife to be more of a companion but at least I am here asking for help.
> 
> ...


I get it.......You are getting beat up here pretty badly but I don't think everything is as one sided as it seems. You DO need time away for clarity and reflection. Good luck.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Have you ever suggested to your wife that she see a mental health professional?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I personally hope he gets hit and backed over by several karma busses. 

Dishonorable. 
Enough said!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We all want the things we don't have, but mean something to us. At the same time, we often devalue the wonderful things we do have, because we take them for granted.

If we learn (or relearn) the value of what we DO have, and may lose if we pursue what we don't in favor or what we want (or THINK we want), we may reconsider what's truly important. If, after thoroughly contemplating all this, you still need more than what you have, then go for it. This does not exempt you from being kind and compassionate to someone who has done their best to love you, even if that is inadequate. So, do what you must, but minimize any harm you do along the way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is reinventing the history of the marriage!

Why, @Guth, if you had told us months ago that you were married to a monster we would have told you to pursue the little hottie you saw in the coffee shop! /sarcasm mode/

Is your current girlfriend the same little hottie or some other new love of your life?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK this is almost unbelievable (but anythings possible e.g. Trump US President ???) so I am not going to call you a troll who is trying to push everyone's buttons here because that is against the rules.


Neither am I going to call you a cheating, self-entitled [email protected] because that too is against the rules.


So I am just going to say, like everyone else here, that the Karma bus should be headed straight for you and your family-destroying, serial cheating "gf". After your wife is free of you, I hope she shapes up to get healthier and finds a real hot yet loving husband who truly values her (very rare) qualities of love, affection, loyalty etc and they have a very happy ever after both in and out of the sack. 


I hope you do not have children because they may end up calling the new guy daddy after seeing him as an improvement on you in the character department (something worth considering too).

I have seen many 50 year + sugar daddies running after younger women but it never ends well - is your "gf" younger than you ?

And in answer to your question, of course she will eventually dump you - you haven't got long till your 60 and then all kinds of sh!t tends to happen with your T-levels, your body etc. If she is attractive why should she settle for just you (but I guess you already know that). Also, admittedly, your not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, so you don't have that to fall back on but hopefully you have made adequate plans for your future to make sure that you do not need to rely on a partner or brains to survive.

So I hope it all works out for you but be careful, you are trading in a wonderful wife to pander to all your self-entitled wants tempered with a little bit of stupidity (sorry, not trying to be rude, but writing style comes across like that). Or else, consider that you have exams to pass after the Christmas holidays and you need to be studying instead of spending all your time under a bridge.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Guth said:


> Probably me then, my fault. But yes that is the deal. I can't go anywhere with an actual companion I have this turd behind me and she laughs it off like it's just a joke that I complain about it. I just can't stand her any longer. And now that the kids are gone I realize that I am married to someone who doesn't want to leave the house. Plus other issues.
> 
> The girlfriend is very active in the outdoors and goes anywhere, swims, etc. There are some red flags but the fact is, I am not leaving a happy marriage to hook up with this other person. I have an extremely stubborn wife and looking at the next 20 years there will be very little adventure. I met her while living in her country and studying at a university, and my entire life I've been adventurous far more than most. I settled down for 20 years and *was an epic father raising brilliant kids* in a prestigious neighborhood and I was Dad AND Mom (she never set foot in a classroom, organized a birthday party, zip zilch nada). I'm done with that phase of my life.
> 
> ...


So...you are an epic father who cheats on your kid's mother and calls her stupid to strangers on the internet? Yeah, great values you must be teaching your kids. 

In my experience, when people say "it is what it is," they are really saying nothing at all. You're just resigning yourself to your own s*(*ty behavior. If you're the father you claim, you will cut off contact with your girlfriend (et's just call her an affair partner, because that's what she is).

Your "feeling alive" space that you're chasing has another name - midlife crisis. Please, please seek counseling if only for your kids. They deserve better than the example you're setting for them and you know it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Dump the girlfriend and sort out your marriage, either committing to it or ending it cleanly. You have created a level of confusion for yourself where the chances of making good choices are pretty low. On your current trajectory a lot of people are likely to get unnecessarily hurt.

P.S. the statistic I've seen around TAM is that affair relationships have about a 3% chance of long term success. That's pretty low. But really you should be more thinking about what makes a good wife (as opposed to mistress). Or deciding you will not remarry.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> In my experience, when people say "it is what it is," they are really saying nothing at all.


 @joannacroc

It may be a meaningless statement, but it is what it is.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I wish I'd never read this thread. You make me want to vomit.
And I have no stake in this game at all. I feel such compassion for your wife, regardless of any portion of "blame" she might hold in the demise of your marriage.

You built the coffin, supplied the nails and are hammering them in.
She's getting burried alive.

What a way to thank the woman who stuck by you, raised your kids, took care of your dirty ass when you were sick, stuck by you when you were an ass/sad/happy/depressed etc.

Loyalty. The covenant of marriage. All so your tiny little ego can be stroked by another woman.

I hope your wife (if you are real and she is real) finds TAM so that she can gain the support and help she needs to survive.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Guth said:


> I am going to separate from my wife entire months of January/February and possibly March. Much of that time I am going to spend away from my home, with the girlfriend. I think my wife will not want to divorce. I think I may discover that this girlfriend business is not for me. I need time away. So I will take it. My wife is forgiving and will take me back if she ever discovers what is happening, but I don’t know if I want her back. If she sees this new woman though, she will fall apart totally because of how attractive she is. My wife does not like to have ugly truths out in the open, she’d rather “don’t ask don’t tell”. I am sure of that.


Omfg...smh


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> \
> 
> What a way to thank the woman who stuck by you, raised your kids, took care of your dirty ass when you were sick, stuck by you when you were an ass/sad/happy/depressed etc.


A movie came to mind .

A loyal wife fed his cheating husband arsenic and in his slow death , she took care of him , slowing feeding him arsenic . Looking at him decaying slowly .

Ahhhh, what a satisfying end .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

guth said:


> sometimes i think my own wife wants to be like her mother, a poor victim with a philandering husband. She sure showed me the door.
> 
> oh shut up blamer
> 
> ...


till you get sucker out of your money and gets dumped and your wife and kids kick you to the curb


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> For a sexual Apollo like yourself


HAHAHA, thanks for the laugh.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

OP, here are some of the stats (with very little backing them up)

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/do-affairs-end-up-in-successful-relationships-13/


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Unique Username said:


> I wish I'd never read this thread. You make me want to vomit.
> And I have no stake in this game at all. I feel such compassion for your wife, regardless of any portion of "blame" she might hold in the demise of your marriage.


My mind keeps wanting to have UNread this thread.


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## afraidwife (Feb 24, 2017)

what if you are in a marriage where he has been abusive to you? And not every time, but many times with conflict end in him threatening you with a closed fist so you shut up, or him pinning you to a wall or calling you retarded? If you are in a marriage like this is it better to pick someone new, because the new person at least won't (supposedly) abuse you?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Cultural sensitivity, could you describe a day in the typical wife of her age in her country? It is amazing how culture can twist people so they just fall in line and march in lock step. I've seen people just shrug their shoulders when shown point blank it does not have to be like that. 
So your next post could it be about the question I asked. Please include child rearing. Would the typical wife in her country take children to activities and/or organize them, especially of men where around ?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

afraidwife said:


> what if you are in a marriage where he has been abusive to you? And not every time, but many times with conflict end in him threatening you with a closed fist so you shut up, or him pinning you to a wall or calling you retarded? If you are in a marriage like this is it better to pick someone new, because the new person at least won't (supposedly) abuse you?


Yes, however divorce first. Step 2, get therapy. Then, pick someone new that isn't an *******.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Guth said:


> Wish it were that simple but I can walk as slow as a snail she still won't be at my side and that eats very deep(!!). I have never seen a couple like us, in public, so who are you to speculate what it feels like year after year you can't even enjoy a moment together with your wife because she meanders behind you like a little freak. That is a different thread. Among other things she does not talk to me ever evenings, and never wants to leave the house. I try, try, try, try, try and talk talk talk she will not change. I'm OUT. Get it?
> 
> Yes we had a 20 year sex life and that was daily sex. Every day and many times twice a day. My wife loved that every bit as much as I did. Maybe that's why she never wants to leave the house. I have a very healthy heart and that means great flow and wonderful times for her. Oddly enough the girlfriend I have now has been in two relationships over the last 12 years or so and both men were totally weak in bed! Once every 10 days and just **** service for her. I think men are just as bad as women at sex. I have been a super lover for my wife and she loved the passion. We had that going for 20 years. But that is not what makes a happy marriage -- or is it? Is that all there is?
> 
> What I want to know is -- statistically speaking, what are the odds that I will stay with this girlfriend? Probably less than 1/10.



If its statistics you want, probably less than 1%. She doesn't sound like a great long term catch, neither do you either. The venom you exhibit when you talk about the mother of your kid is disgusting (calling her a little freak). 
Why couldn't you be a decent man and just divorce her if she disgusted you so much. 
You also sound like your have major delusions of grandeur about your prowess in bed, would like to hear the wife's take on that. Perhaps you are over compensating? 
All in all, be a man and do the right thing. You sound weak to be honest.


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