# I've gotten my wife to admit kissing...what's the likelihood it stopped there?



## orlando (Dec 15, 2012)

I'm thinking 0%, but I'm feeling pretty irrational right now. Long story short, my wife has been in an emotional affair with a coworker for a couple of years and I found out yesterday that the other man admitted to his wife several kisses with my wife. I know people here have experienced much worse, but the physical contact coupled with the EA makes this too much for me. And I can't help but think there was more contact than has been admitted. 20 year marriage, 3 kids. Nobody to talk to. Merry Christmas.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

orlando said:


> I'm thinking 0%, but I'm feeling pretty irrational right now. Long story short, my wife has been in an emotional affair with a coworker for a couple of years and I found out yesterday that the other man admitted to his wife several kisses with my wife. I know people here have experienced much worse, but the physical contact coupled with the EA makes this too much for me. And I can't help but think there was more contact than has been admitted. 20 year marriage, 3 kids. Nobody to talk to. Merry Christmas.


Detach yourself.

Let concrete fill your veins.

You are in for a rough trot, and I really feel for you.

Whatever you do, PLEASE listen to the experienced posters on this forum, they have seen it all before, you are NOT a unique snowflake, and your wife is NOT as pure as the driven snow and WOULD do that.

Save yourself my friend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

orlando said:


> I'm thinking 0%, but I'm feeling pretty irrational right now. Long story short, my wife has been in an emotional affair with a coworker for a couple of years and I found out yesterday that the other man admitted to his wife several kisses with my wife. I know people here have experienced much worse, but the physical contact coupled with the EA makes this too much for me. And I can't help but think there was more contact than has been admitted. 20 year marriage, 3 kids. Nobody to talk to. Merry Christmas.


You and his wife could see if you could work together to blow their little affair sky-high.

Kisses might equal sex. I don't know. However, it IS possible to reconcile, even from such a situation, if you and she want to.

But she or he must change jobs and they must have no contact (NC) at all.

And do not think of having a revenge affair. It hurts you more than it hurts them.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

You answered your own question. An EA for 2 years? Give me a break. It went way beyond an EA a long time ago.

Let the more experienced TAM members give you advice on what to do.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Cheaters only admit to what they have to. They will only admit the least amount thye can to difuse the situation. Its called trickle truth. Some EAs do not go physical or it can take many years. But they were in contact each and every day for two years. It went physical a long time ago. They have more than likely had sex many many times and it was in many ways. Ask her to submit to a polygraph test and see her reaction.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When was the last time two adults who had a strong attraction to each other just kissed? 

That's not how it works after middle school. No there was more, sorry.

What are the claimed circumstances of the kissing incidents - notice how it wasn't 1 kiss - it was more than once. So this isn't an "oops what have we done moment" that happened one time. It sounds like it was on multiple occasions, and that means that the physical boundary had stopped being a limitation to them.

one the PA boundary is gone, they will push the boundary a little more to see how far they can take it. So, sorry this is a very bad discovery.

Do you have monitoring in place on your wife? VAR in the car? Can you see her texts and emails?

This also means clearly that your wife has trickle truthed and minimized the real situation to you. That in and of itself is a straight out betrayal of your trust.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hate to sound like a jerk, but usually only teenagers kiss during an affair. Especially one of that length of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She admitted kissing and if you believe that then she has no reason to admit anything more.

Maybe you want to believe that. How desperate are you to buy that story? How badly do you want to accept that story to keep the family together, especially at Christmas?

The truth, as the others have said, that it's a very good bet that it has gone way past kissing. 

Two years? Please, you can't believe that in two years they only kissed.

You know better than that.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Kissing = Genitalia grabbing, oral sex and F#$king. A cheating spouse will swear on the bible and their kids soul to hide the truth. Watch the Oscar winning performance of a lifetime.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I am convinced from my own experience as well as reading this forum that almost all long-term EA's morph into a PA. Two years is a long time, especially when they work together. Men are just not programmed to have "just" an EA. I don't think women are either. Once the emotional attachment is made - the sex part is easy.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If you have nobody to talk with (family, friends, IC) - use forums like this for support. Everybody here knows what you're going through and can provide a variety of advice and experience.

Good luck.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

orlando said:


> I'm thinking *0%*, but I'm feeling pretty irrational right now. Long story short, my wife has been in an emotional affair with a coworker *for a couple of years *and I found out yesterday that the other man admitted to his wife *several kisses *with my wife. I know people here have experienced much worse, but the physical contact coupled with the EA makes this too much for me. And I can't help but think there was more contact than has been admitted. 20 year marriage, 3 kids. Nobody to talk to. Merry Christmas.


FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS. SEVERAL KISSES. YOU ARE CORRECT - JUST ABOUT A 0% CHANCE OF THAT.

Adults don't stop at kissing.

If you press your wife, and tell her how unbelievable her story is, that you just refuse to believe such an unbelievable story, that there had to be some groping or feeling, you will get her to admit to that as well. Then you can move on to other stuff, like oral or full-on sex.

If you suspect she still is in contact with him, and even if you don't, it probably would be a good idea for you to put a voice-activated recorder in her car, under her seat with heavy-duty velcro. Usually this turns up the truth in a week or less.

Is the affair over?

Have you seen any messages between them? Were the messages sexual - how they want to jump each other's bones? Or romantic - I love you and you are my soulmate? Or both?

What has happened since you found out? Provide a few more details and you will get a better analysis. These affairs follow a predictable script, but it helps to know at what point in the script you are.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

orlando said:


> Long story short, my wife has been in an emotional affair with a coworker for a couple of years and I found out yesterday that the other man admitted to his wife several kisses with my wife.


Orlando, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, especially right before Christmas. You're right, the odds of it stopping at kissing are pretty low, I would guess close to zero. Kissing is a springboard to all the next steps. Imagine taking bites out of a pizza and spitting it out; not gonna happen. One thing leads to the next.

There are people here who will tell you how to gather the evidence you need to prove your case to your wife.

Hang in there man.

T


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

As everyone has stated, just kissing is doubtful. You need to find out for sure though. Have you looked through her emails and texts? Is she still seeing this guy? We need to know more to give you proper advice....


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Hate to sound like a jerk, but usually only teenagers kiss during an affair. Especially one of that length of time.


Lol, SomedayDig, not even teenagers stop at kissing, at the very least there's all kinds of grabby, rubbing, humping, insanity going on.

I know from a mans perspective, hand on or near the butt, and a hand working overtime to find the perfect moment to land on a breast is second nature; we don't even need to think about it, if there's any thinking involved, it's to tell your hands to be cool, calm down, don't blow it, you'll get there, etc, etc...

T


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Lol, SomedayDig, not even teenagers stop at kissing, at the very least there's all kinds of grabby, rubbing, humping, insanity going on.
> 
> I know from a mans perspective, hand on or near the butt, and a hand working overtime to find the perfect moment to land on a breast is second nature; we don't even need to think about it, if there's any thinking involved, it's to tell your hands to be cool, calm down, don't blow it, you'll get there, etc, etc...
> 
> T


:rofl: HAHAHAHA :rofl:
So true.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Here is how trickle truthing works in the mind of a DS:

"Yes, we kissed". Reality: True. What is not stated is that they kissed each other on their privates. Or that they kissed while doing the deed.


Later, they will trickle truth that they had oral - but "just once". Reality: True. Just once. Then twice. Then as a regular part of their foreplay.

Later, they will admit that they had sex - but only 4 times. Once a quarter. Reality: True (Not including their "lunch meetings" and not including their twice weekly "After work collaborations on a special project".


It sounds funny, but this unfortunately is how the mind of a DS works. They will typically only reveal what they think you know. They will not think it is lying. They omit facts to "save you from the truth". 

Note: It IS possible to recover from affairs and even from the lying and deceptions which surround affairs. But the longer you wait to confront the issue, the harder it will get. Gather whatever evidence you need and confront/expose. Do not rug sweep, and do not let the problem fester in the hope that things will get better on their own. Secrets are a poison to a relationship. Without total trust, what is the point?

Again, sorry for what you are going through. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.


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## orlando (Dec 15, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> There are people here who will tell you how to gather the evidence you need to prove your case to your wife.


This is what I need. I am certain that more happened but she won't admit it. Like people have said, she only admits she must. She adamantly denies anything beyond kissing despite all interrogation. Yesterday was the last day at her job and we will be moving 700 miles away in 2 weeks. But that's not much consolation to me at this point. I need to know what happened but I'm not getting that information from her.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

See an attorney. Bring home the paperwork. Tell her you do not know if you want her to come with. Tell he you can not live with the lie.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Tell her point blank, she cannot come with you unless she tells the truth. Demand a polygraph. Get it set in your head, and dig in. Do not relent until she agrees. Her reaction alone should tell you what you need to know, that there's more, but don't stop until you get it.

But then, what will you do when you get it?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Confront the OM?


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## orlando (Dec 15, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> But then, what will you do when you get it?


Divorce her. I don't think I can get past it. I respect those of y'all who reconcile, but I don't see myself doing that.

My goal was to maintain a facade for the children because of Christmas. I think it's still my goal, but last night I drank pretty heavily and things weren't awesome and she slept elsewhere and called the police to the house. I have no point by adding those facts, just thought I'd add a little interest.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

orlando said:


> My goal was to maintain a facade for the children because of Christmas. I think it's still my goal, but last night I drank pretty heavily and things weren't awesome and she slept elsewhere and called the police to the house. I have no point by adding those facts, just thought I'd add a little interest.



You probably already know this, but do NOT give your wife any excuses or reasons/evidence to screw you in the divorce. EG - stay away from the drinking.

DS will do ANYTHING to gain an advantage - especially when it gets toxic. In my case, my STBXW mentioned, IN MEDIATION, that she thought I was so emotionally overwrought that she "Did not feel safe". This came right out of left field. Fortunately, at the time, I was looking after our two kids pretty much full time - and the mediator noted (with my prompting) that it was odd that my wife was not concerned with the possible danger to our kids (if I was truly emotionally unstable) but only concerned with herself.

If your wife called the cops on you, then she might be trying to build a record so that she can say she left do to "abuse" etc.

You have to be a model citizen while you're preparing to leave.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I can help you get the evidence. Check PM.
what does she want to do at this point. 

If you think you might divorce her, might bee a good idea to make that decision before moving both of you to a new place in a different state.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I can help you get the evidence. Check PM.
> what does she want to do at this point.
> 
> If you think you might divorce her, might bee a good idea to make that decision before moving both of you to a new place in a different state.


And as an addition to that find out what the divorce laws are in your current state vs. what they are in your new state. See if you can file for adultry in either state and then get the evidence to prove it. For instance, if your current state allows you to file for adultry it may be better to stay where you are, get evidence and file before you move. It will help you in the divorce. If the state you are going to allows filing for adultry move and then do the above.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

orlando said:


> Divorce her. I don't think I can get past it. I respect those of y'all who reconcile, but I don't see myself doing that.


Hey, you're leaps and bounds from most with that statement. YOU have a deal breaker already defined. Kudos!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She brought cops means she smelled the possibility of a D. She had you on the police records.She is laying her ducks in a row. Its time for you to do the same. Stay away from alcohol and and deal with her in a calm way.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm afraid the chances are about nil. That's a loooonggg time to "flirt". Even the "nicest" guy in the world will grow weary of a two year "tease".

You have a couple options to possibly get at the truth. Now that she knows you know, chances are fairly good easy to obtain evidence (emails, texts, etc) are gone. So.....

Tell her you need her to take a polygraph. I'm not a believer in polygraph "accuracy". However, used as a TOOL to get someone to admit the truth, I think they're a great device. Many a thing has been confessed prior to getting hooked up to a polygraph.

Serve her with divorce papers. Tell her you know what happened, she has one chance to come clean, and if her details don't match yours, you're going through with the divorce.

Prepare yourself to hear more than what she has told you at this point.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Who told you that the OM admitted only the kissing part?

You will never get truth out of her using any method - nice or threatening.

You could get truth only by using other investigating methods. But unfortunately, I think we all know the truth. What you want to know now is the "details" of how it happened.

The answer to your original question in the heading is(As almost everyone has said) : 0%. It didn't stop there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You didn't say how old you guys were or how long we guys have been married.

So you guys were married for a 20 years then maybe you guys have been having sex long enough to know it can be. What I mean is your old enough not to be scared of it and if one can get past the guilt to kiss then banging uglies is just that sex. In a long term marriage then sex with strang is no big deal once you get past the guilt of cheating on your spouse you have been with for 20 years.


So if you guys are young and have been married a handful of years then most likely you and your wife had enough sex partens before you were married..just saying this day in age ...maybe half adozen. so having sex with strang is not nearly as scary as having sex for the first time. One knows how its done and one knows how to have a quicky and one knows its no big deal as a teen or even 20 something to bang uglies.

In short your wife is no virgin and having sex is nothing new to her, what may be new to her is the guilt, but that kind of thing passes as it get easier to be with someone else other then your husband.

Enless your wife is still a vigin and afraid of sex or she has enough guilt to stop her self on the first kiss /encounter...then logic and experience would tell me that yes you wife has commited adultory and her infidelity didn't stop with just a kiss.

Yes a polygraph could prove my logic wrong, but I don't think so. In fact having some chick blow me in the storage closet at work would keep me around for a few years...if I was single!!!!

Now that I adressed the title to this thread. I want to know what your wife plans on doing to affair proof her next marriage.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yeah... way beyond kissing. Sorry. The only time I can see adults stopping at kissing would be if it happened once and he was some disgusting, slobbery kisser. If that was the case, it would not have gone on for 2 years. So sorry...


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Detach yourself.
> 
> Let concrete fill your veins.
> 
> ...


This is the only thing you need to read.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

An affair of just random kissing..for years. Right. It is obvious that is all she is willing to admit to you. She's spewing fairy tales, in hopes of coming out looking clean. In reality, she is covering one big sordid, sex filled affair, and hoping you're the type of sucker that will buy it. What's next? She's going to say she had a just hugging affair with someone? It's ridiculous. Of course, something happened, most likely, a lot happened. And they both agreed they'd tell their spouse that 'we just kissed a little'...', plan on briefly cooling down, then resuming their affair soon enough.


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## MyWorstFear (Dec 16, 2012)

Hi, I'm new here, but I'll give you my opinion based on my experience.

I recently found out that my wife cheated on me with one of her "friends".

She told me she met this guy years ago in summer school in her hometown in the East Coast (we live in the West Coast), which lasted about 2 months. A couple of months ago she got into contact with him because this guy was a mutual friend of one of her Facebook friends. At first, I was fine with it. She started building an emotional relationship with this guy very rapidly (talking about personal issues more than she does with me, taking his advice on many issues, having conversations in private, etc). I found out about it, and she promised to end contact with him.

Last month, she went on a trip to her hometown in the East Coast to visit family. Long story short, I found out she had sex with this guy while she was there.

Why am I telling you this? Because she barely knew this guy (2 months in summer school) and yet she was able to build an emotional affair within months without even meeting him in person. As soon as she had the chance to meet him in person, she took the opportunity and cheated on me.

Your wife has had an ongoing affair for years, according to you. Just put two and two together:

1. She has an emotional affair (which means she thinks highly of him and very low of your marriage)
2. She has been kissing him because she finds herself attracted to him.
3. This has been going on for a LONG TIME.
4. It is someone she can interact with on a daily basis, and has been in secret.

I'm sorry to say it, but it is very obvious that your wife has been doing more than just kissing the guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kissing takes an affair to a PA. It takes it physical whether it involved penetratio or not. Indeed they are NOT the same thing.

I am just saying that this was more than an EA with what you have been told already. 

I may have missed it int eh thread and the point may be moot now. But as soon as you found out that she was having an EA you should have insisted she quit her job and gone NC with this co-worker. If you knew of the EA for any period of time without making it a dealbreaker early on you missed an opportunity to save the marriage. Truly it is her affair and she is responsible for it. But if you let it go on this was the expected path.

Indeed a two year EA? That you know became physical with at least kissing. I mean if it was a passionate kiss there was more than kissing involved. If the kissing was more than one time then it went way way past kissing.

So did she quit her job yet?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

orlando said:


> I'm thinking 0%, but I'm feeling pretty irrational right now. Long story short, my wife has been in an emotional affair with a coworker for a couple of years and I found out yesterday that the other man admitted to his wife several kisses with my wife. I know people here have experienced much worse, but the physical contact coupled with the EA makes this too much for me. And I can't help but think there was more contact than has been admitted. 20 year marriage, 3 kids. Nobody to talk to. Merry Christmas.


zero. Tell her that you can probably forgive the infidelity but you cannot forgive the continuous lies


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with most others here

There was oral involved but it wasn't kissing

Polygraph now!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Ask her to take a polygraph- see how she responds. In fact, schedule one and drive her to it without her knowing in advance. You may be surprised what you learn in the parking lot. 

If things were as tense as you say- I'd place a VAR in her car. She'll be talking/story setting. 

There are also keyloggers, etc, but I like the VAR option and it is easier for someone like me to use.


To your original question- slim to none, but that's just reflecting my experience and I don't know your wife.
Good luck
WD


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Two years and they only kissed.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that story.

Because chapter 2 petting, chap 3 oral, chap 4 banged, chap5 back door, chap 6 bare back.

The WW and OM worked this book going through the chapters so much that the pages were dog eared and falling out of the book.

Polygraph is what you have to do if you want the truth.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Okay, so you've gotten some advise by now that makes you believe it didn't stop at kissing. Good...now your eyes are open and you need to find out what really happened. Be firm but not mean. Keep this in mind, the trickle truth may not be an attempt to hurt you or show a lack of remorse in the beginning. It is natural for someone to lie at first in a circumstance like this. That doesn't make it right but it's a knee jerk reaction during the initial shock of being caught. Don't read more into it than that. The problem arises when she doesn't come clean after the shock of discovery wears off. This is where the trickle truth becomes truly harmful. Only after knowing what really happened can you decide if you can reconcile or D.

You need to factor the affect on the children and to do this you need to know how destructive her behavior has been and might be in the future.

One last piece of advise: drop the booze; it doesn't help. Sure, at first it takes the edge off and make you care less. Then you think maybe a few more will make me not care at all. The problem is you stop caring about some of the things you need to care about along the way.

I'm very sorry you're going through this, especially at this time of year.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

CF, it couldn't have been worded better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Okay, so you've gotten some advise by now that makes you believe it didn't stop at kissing. Good...now your eyes are open and you need to find out what really happened. Be firm but not mean. Keep this in mind, the trickle truth may not be an attempt to hurt you or show a lack of remorse in the beginning. It is natural for someone to lie at first in a circumstance like this. That doesn't make it right but it's a knee jerk reaction during the initial shock of being caught. Don't read more into it than that. The problem arises when she doesn't come clean after the shock of discovery wears off. This is where the trickle truth becomes truly harmful. Only after knowing what really happened can you decide if you can reconcile or D.
> 
> You need to factor the affect on the children and to do this you need to know how destructive her behavior has been and might be in the future.
> 
> ...


All of the above plus polygraph and tell her if she refuses forget about moving with you and the family and get a tro on her before she pulls that sh!t again and carry a var on you all the time.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Detach yourself.
> 
> 
> Whatever you do, PLEASE listen to the experienced posters on this forum, they have seen it all before, you are NOT a unique snowflake, and your wife is NOT as pure as the driven snow and WOULD do that.
> ...


:iagree:


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi Orlando.
Before I say anything I want you to just take a deep breath. Your going to need to do that a lot in the coming years. 

1. Do not drink. It is not that I am against the anaesthetic qualities of alcohol but is has some bad side effects. 

Let me put this bluntly. Losing access to your kids because you are violent. Read that again.
Get a VAR. Record what is going on. 

There are better drugs that your Doctor keeps for this occasion . Go see him.

2. Do not decide anything about your marriage now. Your angry. hurt and been betrayed. Get on the drugs and wait two weeks.

3. Don';t believe a single word that comes out of her mouth at the moment. Verify everything. 

Your job now is to be the best Dad you can be. Nothing else matters. A long relationship like yours does not shut down with a Divorce. You are linked for life. Take your time. 

It doesn't matter if they had sex or not. She gave her heart away and lied to you about it for two years. 

More details required on how you found out please.. Write a bit more about the affair and how you found out. The OM's status. Everything. 
It is good to sort your thoughts out if nothing else

So sorry you are here.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Well I don't have any good news for you based on my experience.

My wife admitted to kissing her POSOM just once. It was actually a 1 1/2 year EA/PA! 

I think kissing once in cheaters speak is actually code for full-blown sex. 

I wouldn't believe her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Follow the advice that told you to check divorce laws in your current state and your new state

File in the state that has the greater advantage for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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