# What do you consider cheating ?



## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

In your opinion what would be considered being unfaithful to your SO. Firstly, does it have to be physical or would something nonphysical like sexual fantasies about someone else (especially while f#<king your SO) or perhaps having some kind of FaceBook 'affair' ?
From a physical aspect what about a friendly peck on the lips; a deep juicy kiss; touching/fondling (even while clothed) 
Or does being unfaithful/cheating/EA have to involve PIV ?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

BeaverBeauty said:


> In your opinion what would be considered being unfaithful to your SO. Firstly, does it have to be physical or would something nonphysical like sexual fantasies about someone else (especially while f#<king your SO) or perhaps having some kind of FaceBook 'affair' ?
> From a physical aspect what about a friendly peck on the lips; a deep juicy kiss; touching/fondling (even while clothed)
> Or does being unfaithful/cheating/EA have to involve PIV ?


To me, any interaction with another person that you would not like for your spouse to know about.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

BeaverBeauty said:


> In your opinion what would be considered being unfaithful to your SO. Firstly, does it have to be physical or would something nonphysical like sexual fantasies about someone else (especially while f#<king your SO) or perhaps having some kind of FaceBook 'affair' ?
> From a physical aspect what about a friendly peck on the lips; a deep juicy kiss; touching/fondling (even while clothed)
> Or does being unfaithful/cheating/EA have to involve PIV ?


No, no, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, no.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Though everyone is different - 

If you wouldn't want your spouse to find out about it - it's "cheating".


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

BeaverBeauty said:


> In your opinion what would be considered being unfaithful to your SO. Firstly, does it have to be physical or would something nonphysical like sexual fantasies about someone else (especially while f#<king your SO) or perhaps having some kind of FaceBook 'affair' ?
> From a physical aspect what about a friendly peck on the lips; a deep juicy kiss; touching/fondling (even while clothed)
> Or does being unfaithful/cheating/EA have to involve PIV ?


Fantasizing about someone else during sex is not "cheating" but it should cause you concern if it happens more than once or twice. Facebook affairs are cheating. I don't really know what a "friendly peck on the lips" is -- never done that. A "deep juicy kiss" yes. Touching/fondling, yes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BeaverBeauty said:


> In your opinion what would be considered being unfaithful to your SO. Firstly, does it have to be physical or would something nonphysical like sexual fantasies about someone else (especially while f#<king your SO) or perhaps having some kind of FaceBook 'affair' ?
> From a physical aspect what about a friendly peck on the lips; a deep juicy kiss; touching/fondling (even while clothed)
> Or does being unfaithful/cheating/EA have to involve PIV ?


Most would consider cheating to be the direction of any level of romantic and/or sexual attention that would ordinarily be reserved solely for a spouse and/or significant other to one that is NOT said spouse or significant other.

This, of course, doesn't allow for relationship arrangements such as open marriages, swinging, polyamory, plural marriage, etc, so it would seem to make sense that both the presence of deceit and an absence of informed consent would be necessary components as well.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I caught an ex-gf sexting with another guy and immediately dumped her.

She said she didnt think it was cheating since it wasnt physical, although she would delete the texts.

I was just lucky enough to catch an exchange and that was all i needed.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Janky said:


> I caught an ex-gf sexting with another guy and immediately dumped her.
> 
> She said she didnt think it was cheating since it wasnt physical, although she would delete the texts.
> 
> I was just lucky enough to catch an exchange and that was all i needed.


Good call. A person with a young child's view of right and wrong.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

As long as you're just having sex with"friends" it isn't cheating. &#55357;&#56841;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thound said:


> To me, any interaction with another person that you would not like for your spouse to know about.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

If you feel like you have to hide the action, then it's wrong.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Wow if during my separation with my H ( now ex) , a guy friend ask me out to talk n I did to cry abt my problems n he gave advice. Is that cheating? 


N later we text, either from me to ask for advice or to spill my guts about my kids n divorce issues, or from him to ask about my well being. Is this cheating?


Later I send him some food to thank him for his time, is that cheating?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

tripad said:


> Wow if during my separation with my H ( now ex) , a guy friend ask me out to talk n I did to cry abt my problems n he gave advice. Is that cheating?
> 
> 
> N later we text, either from me to ask for advice or to spill my guts about my kids n divorce issues, or from him to ask about my well being. Is this cheating?
> ...


You forgot the gratitude sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

tripad said:


> Wow if during my separation with my H ( now ex) , a guy friend ask me out to talk n I did to cry abt my problems n he gave advice. Is that cheating?
> 
> 
> N later we text, either from me to ask for advice or to spill my guts about my kids n divorce issues, or from him to ask about my well being. Is this cheating?
> ...


If you were separated and your H knew you would be seeing other people, that there was no chance for you two to get back together and divorce was certain - No, it's not cheating.

If you were separated and only talked to this man, but told your H about it when you got back together with your H - then cut off all contact with this other person if your H asked you to, then no that's not cheating either.

If you got back together with your H, but continued to talk to other guy behind your H's back and never told him of your friendship and continue to hold this friendship behind his back - technically not cheating (unless you slept with the dude) -But it's definitely SHADY behavior and not something a trustworthy spouse should do. You wouldn't be able to convince your H that you never slept with the guy because you lied about the friendship.


So which happened to you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

1. engaging in sexual intercourse outside of marriage.
2. serially refusing to have sex with one's spouse.
3. engaging in sexual conversations/activity or other simulated sexual conduct with someone other than your spouse.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> You forgot the gratitude sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL

you are joking right ?

no we didn't . he didn't try , not even touch a finger .

though he tried asking for a game between his boys n mine , but I said to be a later date .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> If you were separated and your H knew you would be seeing other people, that there was no chance for you two to get back together and divorce was certain - No, it's not cheating.
> 
> If you were separated and only talked to this man, but told your H about it when you got back together with your H - then cut off all contact with this other person if your H asked you to, then no that's not cheating either.
> 
> ...


I text to "cry" about what is happening to my marriage . initially it's a little more often , later I realized that I am vulnerable and may fall for him. I reduced the frequency and details and reserved that for my gf .

reasons is that I don't want him as my rebound or any rebound . If he's keen , I prefer to give it a surviving chance , not a rebound . I may prefer to have a few more dates , instead of jumping into another relationship , and I don't want him to see me as betraying him , or using him .

my divorce just completed .

I didn't date him during that time , didn't want to lose custody , or to piss my then H into any ugly divorce .

didn't date now after divorce . I have not bump into him lately to inform him that my divorce is over , and he always ask whenever he bumps into me , and I didn't think it's necessary to text him that info as it may imply I am needy or desperate .

don't know whether my ex expected me to date during separation or not . didn't communicate .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

so is that cheating ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

lenzi said:


> No, no, yes.
> 
> Yes, yes, yes, no.


The answers are as lenzi said above.

So why do you ask BeaverBeauty (what an outstanding name by the way) ?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

For me personally, even when separated, it feels like cheating. I understand that a separation can last a long long time and at some point, you have to realise it's over. I think the length of time is personal to each, but seeing someone within a week or two seems, for me, to be an indicator that there were flirtations and conversations long before the separation, that led to the comfortable feelings concerning returning to the dating world.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> For me personally, even when separated, it feels like cheating. I understand that a separation can last a long long time and at some point, you have to realise it's over. I think the length of time is personal to each, but seeing someone within a week or two seems, for me, to be an indicator that there were flirtations and conversations long before the separation, that led to the comfortable feelings concerning returning to the dating world.


don't know if you are answering my questions .

if yes , then in reply to you , I didn't see the guy friend , except the initial time 6 months after my separation , I met to sob my hearts out and was pondering if I should divorce . he , amongst my counsellor and gfs all told me to leave , simply on one reason , my ex H hits me , not once , but many times , two in full display of children .

no flirting whatever before during after divorce .

otherwise , I do agree with you totally . Hence , I didn't date during separation or divorce .


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## octaviaa (Mar 3, 2015)

Anything you would have to hide from your spouse is cheating.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

tripad said:


> don't know if you are answering my questions .
> 
> if yes , then in reply to you , I didn't see the guy friend , except the initial time 6 months after my separation , I met to sob my hearts out and was pondering if I should divorce . he , amongst my counsellor and gfs all told me to leave , simply on one reason , my ex H hits me , not once , but many times , two in full display of children .
> 
> ...


Edit: I take that bold part back. I'm off the mark here today. I was chiming in the thread, not answering you. I got confused and thought you started this thread. Sheesh. Sometimes I'm an idiot. I didn't even look back to see who started this thread. I thought it was you. Dang...end edit.

*I thought I was*, but I wasn't judging you or insinuating a thing. I was only presenting what is thought to be somewhat different than most here at TAM. It is how I think. I'm not trying to say anyone else should feel the way I do.

You...well, I hope you know, that's not your fault, no matter what anyone says. You, nor anyone asks for it, or deserves to be abused. I'm very sorry. I don't know if I was ever in your thread. I can't remember. Do you? Usually, I stay away from those if I know there was abuse, because I can't imagine a woman who was abused wanting a man to tell her anything, even if it's good advice. 

Like I said, my post wasn't meant to judge anyone. I had nothing in my head, but just to chime in. I was just giving what I thought was an uncommon opinion at TAM. It is how I think. 

Sorry dear.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lenzi said:


> No, no, yes.
> 
> Yes, yes, yes, no.


I think if you heard that from outside the door you could safely assume cheating was going on.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > don't know if you are answering my questions .
> ...


It's ok
Just to clarify myself 

Dont worry. I didn't become a man hater bcoz my ex hits me. Still will date the male species. although I was approach by a very beautiful divorced lady who asked me if I m keen to be her partner!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Simply put, my own personal definition of "Cheating" is any overt or covert, and a more often sexually charged, physical or emotional activity with another person, that is clearly outside the bounds of an existing committed relationship, that the perpetrator would greatly prefer to keep secretive, more especially in order to continue faciliatating the already existing relationship with that originally committed partner.*










*IMHO, the meme displayed above is equally applicable to women!*


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

octaviaa said:


> Anything you would have to hide from your spouse is cheating.


So if I don't tell him about the new handbag I bought, I've cheated?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> So if I don't tell him about the new handbag I bought, I've cheated?


Ah oh. Looks like you can't trust that he will understand or that you have done something acceptable. If that is the case in this hypothetical, you will end up with bigger problems, since you have to hide the little stuff.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Real world examples of cheating behavior.

- Sex: PIV, oral, online

- Time with OM/OW is more than time with spouse (# of texts, face-to-face meetings, phone minutes, FB chats, etc. should not be more than with spouse)

- Sharing too much personal information about your or the OM/OW's marriage including sex, desires, neglect, etc.

- If you are saying things like "I miss you", "You understand me so much better than spouse", "In another life, we would be an item"...just stop. Why do I even need to type this crap on here?

- If when something good or bad happens in your life and the first person you share it with is the OM/OW and not your spouse....stop!

- Hiding any of the above or minimizing it to your spouse...red flag.

- Buying unnecessary gifts for your "friend". Nope.

These are some of my personal no-no's. Others may disagree.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Any kind of actions are thought process that involves another person in which you are interested in to fulfill a desire for you that is more than friendship is considered wrong in my book. If you are friends with someone on FB but love the interaction or like seeing their pictures because this gives you good tingly feelings much like the beginning stages of getting to know someone, you are in the wrong, it is considered cheating. Porn which involves a man or woman investing time to pursue and indulge in sexually is considered cheating. Lunches, chats, IMs, emails with someone that you have a personal interest in and are pursuing due to that personal interest is cheating. Helping someone with a project so you can work with them because you want to get to know them personally because this person has intrigued you is also wrong. A peck on the cheek, a massage of the shoulders, emails saying you miss this person are all inappropriate.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, the meme displayed above is equally applicable to women!*


I agree with that meme and want to add that in some cases, it is about that feeling of power gained through the knowledge that the faithful spouse has no clue what is going on. It releases them from their fear of intimacy and subjugation. They weren't suited for the vulnerability that is a part of marriage.

"Knowledge is power".


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

If you have to hide it, that could be a :redcard:


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

octaviaa said:


> Anything you would have to hide from your spouse is cheating.


So, the following would be considered cheating..

-Being on these Forums
-Trying to Surprise her for a Special event
-Recycling
-Seeking advice/counseling on how to a better Husband/Marriage counseling


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

Anything physical in my opinion.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Intentionally using another person(s) to fulfill the obligations, needs and desires that we vowed to provide exclusively to one another in the context of our marriage.

That's what I consider cheating.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anything we do in secret that we would be ashamed to tell our spouse in regards to an Opposite sex anybody...is heading for a slippery slope.. this is why I feel a wiling transparency is so vital in healthy relationships.. we need to take ALL our needs , cares & desires to our spouses....& share openly about our day.. even the exchanges with others should flow very easily ...

Never underestimate the POWER of secrets....explained very well here..it's how ALL affairs start... 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

BeaverBeauty said:


> In your opinion what would be considered being unfaithful to your SO. Firstly, does it have to be physical or would something nonphysical like sexual fantasies about someone else (especially while f#<king your SO) or perhaps having some kind of FaceBook 'affair' ?
> From a physical aspect what about a friendly peck on the lips; a deep juicy kiss; touching/fondling (even while clothed)
> Or does being unfaithful/cheating/EA have to involve PIV ?


I think we all have our own ideas of what we consider cheating, and some are more or less lenient than others.

Me, personally, I consider seeking attention (or even welcoming attention) from members of the opposite sex to be cheating. Flirting, etc. It's the kind that I can deal with (ie. it's not divorce city), yet nonetheless, it fits my description.

Generally speaking, if ones partner is seeking out something from others that should only be sought out from you, then that's at the very least, crossing the line, imo. It's doubly true if it's sexual in nature.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

My ex was drunk in company function once n grope a woman colleague for half the night on the dance floor. 

Was that cheating? 

What should I have done? 

In this case I divorce him for a whole series of other issues. Just thinking in case I get another occurrence of same incident on future.


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

Anything that you do or say that should be reserved for your spouse and which you don't want your spouse to find out about is cheating in a monogamous relationship.

E.g. if you separate and don't agree to date others or spend emotional energy on others instead of trying to heal the marriage then that is clearly cheating.


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