# emotional and sexual affair



## notU4now (Apr 24, 2020)

my 12 year old dd has been trying to tell me for months,did not believe her. she snapped a few pics of his cybersex and texting about them ****ing in the back of the car. i asked him to see his phone, he refused.
as his wife shouldn't i be able to look at his phone?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I think you already know what you will find in his phone. There's no need to look. 

BTW, my wife sees my phone, my email, my computer, etc. I have no reason to hide anything from her, because there is nothing on any of them that I would need to keep secret from her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How did your daughter find this out?

Might she need counselling? 

You also need to arrange for STD tests, too.

And see a lawyer.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Yes, you have the right. By the same token, he has the right to refuse. He has the right to sext. You have the right to divorce if you don't feel secure within a relationship. 
Believe what your daughter has shown you. You need no further evidence, unless you are seeking what else is it that you don't know, which is understandable. 
You can ask him to confess his transgressions, but if he denies, gaslights, avoids, blame shifts, etc., don't argue. Just know he's f'ing up and do what you have to do to protect you and your daughter. 
Kids are 3-4 years ahead/smarter than parents think they are.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Yes, you do.
please look after DD, this is not on her. Hubby needs to show you everything. Cheaters always hide behind the veil of ‘privacy‘ and ‘you should just trust me’.
Even if it is just porn, still talk, if it is a A. Then open the can of woop a$$.
Buffer


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

notU4now said:


> as his wife shouldn't i be able to look at his phone?


The simple answer to that is "yes". He wouldn't be keeping his phone from you if he had nothing to hide, in most cases. Some people do get defensive if backed into a corner but that isn't why your husband said no. 

I can look through my wife's phone whenever I want to, and she can look through mine whenever she wants to. There are no secrets and nothing is hidden. 

Right now I'm more concerned about your daughter. She should NOT be put in the middle of your marital problems. You need to tell her that he involvement ends now because this is an adult problem, and depending on the circumstances, how she found out, etc. she might benefit from speaking to a counselor.

Keep in mind, he will have cleared his phone now that he knows you are suspicious. You can try recovery software if you need that confirmation. 

You have the information, even if it's information you don't want and don't want to accept. Your husband is cheating, whether he ever stops or not is up to him. It's up to you to decide what you're going to do about that and what you're willing to accept going forward.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have no right to see his phone - and courts have agreed. However, his refusal _probably_ tells you all you need to know to act, but it would be nice to know the _why_ of his actions..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why didn’t you believe your daughter?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't think you need to see his phone. You have all the knowledge you need to do whatever you need to do.

If you do need proof legally or something (seriously, consult a lawyer), if he has an iphone, don't grab his phone, grab his phone backup. There's a number of tools you can use to pull all the data you need from a backup without ever needing the device.

Or, if you have technology skills, pull your wifi router logs. It probably won't tell you what he's saying in the chats, but it would sure tell you what chat sites he's on, when, and for how long.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Do you really need his phone? Think about the position he put your daughter in.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

What is the relationship like between your 12-year-old daughter and her father?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm more concerned about your daughter being treated like a liar.


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## Dr Will (Apr 25, 2020)

notU4now said:


> my 12 year old dd has been trying to tell me for months,did not believe her. she snapped a few pics of his cybersex and texting about them ****ing in the back of the car. i asked him to see his phone, he refused.
> as his wife shouldn't i be able to look at his phone?


Why do you want to see his phone you already have the evidence from your child's photos. I many states and countries cyber sex is now grounds for divorce. Yo need a come to Jesus talk and spell out the following... 1. Texting and cybre are not expectable 2. you child has knowledge of his activities grounds for loosing rights. You need to know what you want and act on it. Council would be a good option for both of you.


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## Dr Will (Apr 25, 2020)

On a wider note... The female of the human species will but emotion for sex and the male will put sex before emotion. This does not mean the male is more shallow its much deeper that that and stems back to the name female roles. To a man sex is top of the list which means fidelity from his partner and emotion is second but both are right out there as the prime motivators.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

notU4now said:


> my 12 year old dd has been trying to tell me for months,did not believe her. she snapped a few pics of his cybersex and texting about them ****ing in the back of the car. i asked him to see his phone, he refused.
> as his wife shouldn't i be able to look at his phone?


Why on earth did you continually blow off your own child who was only trying to *help* you? Those rose-colored glasses you're wearing must be pretty thick.

Of *course* lover boy isn't going to hand you his phone. He's a lying cheater, why would he *hand *you nails for his coffin? But you don't need to see his phone anyway, you already SAW the proof of his cheating because once again, your kid was trying to help you to OPEN your yes. Or do you *also* not believe the pictures she took to prove it to you?

Your lying husband now knows you're onto him. That means he's going to have to be very meticulous with his phone, making sure to delete all his monkey business off it so you can't find it. It likely also means he'll change his password to get into his phone (or make it require his thumb print to get into it). or, he may get himself a burner phone. He's likely using chat apps that run over Wifi so he may just hide them altogether using one of the utilities that lets you hide programs on your phone.

Your daughter *gave* you what you need. Time to pull your head out of the sand.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your own daughter GIVES YOU proof that you are married to a worthless piece of crap cheater, and you’re upset that said worthless cheater won’t show you his phone?? Could you be more in denial?? Your head is buried so far deep in the sand! You’re likely to lose your daughter’s respect if you don’t snap out of it and actually do something. Be a better example. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would imagine that the car would smell enough that it would be obvious.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I hope you apologized to your daughter at least. And very sincerely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yep at this point your codependency is doing damage to her and your relationship. If you can't dump him for yourself do it for her. Seriously if you don't you may end up losing both of them. He may just move on and the damage in you and your daughters relationship will be too much.


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