# Wife not being introduced to female co-worker



## Monet19

I asked my husband whom he found attractive at work. He was honest with me and told me. I was curious and I thanked him for being honest with me. I worked there for a while also, though in another department, so there are many people I have not met at his company. She is at least 20 years younger than he is, married I believe and has a 2yo little boy whom she sometimes bring into the office. My husband jumps right in and holds her child every chance he gets. 

no, it's not his. 

I would normally have no problems with this, however, several times a year, my husband and I attend work functions. She is also at these work functions. My husband introduces me to most people there I do not know - except her. We were heading straight towards her at one function and he was staring at her, she is beautiful, and young, and then he changed direction to avoid her.

I can't help but think "What is he hiding from me? Why won't he introduce me to her?"

I hope it's not my imagination but I have noticed her looking at him expectantly when he walks into the room full of co-workers. And I can't help but think "If I weren't here, he'd probably go and chat with her" , "What does she think of the fact that he avoids her when his wife is by his side?" 

Wouldn't this confirm his attraction for her?

I am just putting myself in her shoes, and if a married man who was very friendly with me at work all of a sudden ignored me when his wife was around, I'd suspect he was attracted to me and didn't want his wife to find out. 

I've talked to him and have asked him why he does not introduce her to me and he said because I'd be jealous. 

Here's the thing: I'm not jealous of women who are more beautiful than I, I am not envious, I'm comfortable with who I am and wouldn't wish to be in their shoes. I am however uncomfortable with the knowledge that my husband refuses to introduce me to a co-worker whom he's admitted he finds attractive and whom he does have regular contact with at work. 

I don't know how to explain to him that his behavior towards her when his wife is by his side makes me suspicious. I would on the other hand, not be suspicious if he introduced me to her. By being introduced, I'd think nothing of it all.

I am wondering if this is normal, ok or should I be worried? Should I mention this to him again? Have I not addressed it right? I'm curious to find out what both husband and wives think of this issue.:scratchhead:


----------



## norajane

> I've talked to him and have asked him why he does not introduce her to me and he said because I'd be jealous.


Regardless of whether you would or would not be jealous and act like it, he believes you would. So he is acting on his belief and keeping you away from her at work functions to avoid a potentially bad scene afterwards if you were to question everything he said to her during the meeting.

He's been honest in answering your question about which women he found attractive, it sounds like he talks to you about her or you wouldn't know she brings her baby in to work. 

Do you have trouble trusting him? Is that why you are quick to think the worst?


----------



## Monet19

I do have trouble trusting him when he chooses not to introduce me to an attractive co-worker. I ask myself what he's hiding from me.


----------



## Leasel

I'm baffled as to what's stopping you from walking right up to her and introducing yourself here. Walk right up to her and introduce yourself as [husband]'s wife and tell her you've heard a lot about her from him, etc. If she looks uncomfortable or awkward about meeting you, then I would understand being suspicious. Otherwise, there could be a lot of reasons why your husband is afraid to introduce you, and jumping to conclusions won't help anyone.


----------



## norajane

Then next time you're at a work function, tell him that you want to be introduced.


----------



## SadSamIAm

There are a couple of 'red flags' in your post, but for the most part it sounds like they are just friends.

My guess is he knows that you won't like her. I have had a couple of acquaintances through work that I know my wife wouldn't like. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened with them, but they are just friendly. They know me pretty well and we have fun together. My wife wouldn't understand our friendships and wouldn't like these women. I don't talk to my wife about them at all.


----------



## Monet19

"Otherwise, there could be a lot of reasons why your husband is afraid to introduce you" 

Like what?


----------



## Monet19

"he knows that you won't like her"

I passed her a few times when I worked there and said "Hello", she seemed nice. I do not know her personally though but certainly do not have a preconceived notion she's 'not a nice person', on the contrary. So his assuming I wouldn't like her, I do not understand that thought process.


----------



## Leasel

He may not think you two would get along, he may even be afraid you two could become best friends (which might shut him out of his friendship with her). I may genuinely believe that you would act jealous, even if you don't think you're that kind of person (he may have a different perspective).


----------



## Monet19

Good idea btw: I will simply introduce myself next time  I have a feeling it will make my hubby very uneasy though...


----------



## bourning

I think this is an issue that you need to solve


----------



## A Bit Much

> I don't know how to explain to him that his behavior towards her when his wife is by his side makes me suspicious. I would on the other hand, not be suspicious if he introduced me to her. By being introduced, I'd think nothing of it all.


My husband and I are very open with communication so this wouldn't be an issue.

"I'll introduce myself next time."

Thats the end of that.

FWIW I wouldn't have asked him who he finds attractive at work. We talk all the time and have no problem sharing what we think, but this is just one question I wouldn't come up with. I suppose it's not important to me.


----------



## KathyBatesel

I admit, I'd ask. I'd also be wondering why he didn't introduce me, and yes, I'd introduce myself. 

There are a couple of red flags that I would not ignore. The expectant looks you've noticed from her combined with his behavior would worry me, but I would step back and observe before assuming the worst.


----------



## Monet19

Thank You for your honesty KathyBatesel,

Unfortunately, I don't have much of a chance to 'observe' because it all seems to happen at hubby's work where I'm not present. 

And yes, I did catch her looking up expectantly at him when we entered the room. The only reason I was 'aware' was because he B-lined her at the previous function when he saw her and made a point to avoid introductions. He told me about her in the past, so I knew who she was, and might I add: no ill feelings towards her as I do not know her. I would rather make friends than enemies, that's who I am. I'd also passed her in the hallway at work previously, but the fact that he has not introduced me after several opportunities and after what he's told me about her makes me think: 'what's going on here?' 

I am not jealous: I have nothing to be jealous of 
I am not judging : I have nothing to judge
I am not thinking ill as I have nothing to think ill of

I am however asking "what is going on? and why would my husband behave differently with this woman than any other we've ever met?"

So there are three things happening here, 1/ he has admitted he thinks she's 'hot'. 2/ That she has a gorgeous baby and doesn't look like she's ever had kids 3/he refuses to introduce us, rather does all he can to avoid doing so, and 4/ I believe he'd have gone straight to chat with her if I had not been present. What an unsettling feeling for a wife.

I am not however assuming the worst, I feel more as though I might prevent the worst by being involved/aware of what I see and feel here.

A woman's intuition should never be ignored I believe. When I have ignored it in the past, I was proven that I should have 'listened'.


----------



## LouAnn Poovy

Monet19 said:


> I asked my husband whom he found attractive at work. He was honest with me and told me. I was curious and I thanked him for being honest with me. ..........
> 
> I would normally have no problems with this, however, several times a year, my husband and I attend work functions. She is also at these work functions. My husband introduces me to most people there I do not know - except her. We were heading straight towards her at one function and he was staring at her, she is beautiful, and young, and then he changed direction to avoid her.
> 
> :scratchhead:




*Why ask such a loaded question. No good was going to come from it.*


----------



## LouAnn Poovy

Monet19 said:


> Good idea btw: I will simply introduce myself next time  I have a feeling it will make my hubby very uneasy though...


*Better him than you!!* :woohoo:


----------



## A Bit Much

I don't believe in ignoring intuition either. If you feel something is up, by all means dig deeper.

What's yours saying about her and him? 

And as far as his behavior around her, well I'm the wife that would call him out on it when I noticed it. 

But I also think your asking about and knowing of his attraction to her is making you hyperfocused on their interactions. Alternatively, his knowing you know of his attraction is making him more cautious and a little paranoid of what you'll say or do when around her. It then becomes kind of a cycle.


----------



## norajane

Monet19 said:


> I am not jealous: I have nothing to be jealous of
> I am not judging : I have nothing to judge
> I am not thinking ill as I have nothing to think ill of
> 
> I am however asking "what is going on? and why would my husband behave differently with this woman than any other we've ever met?"
> 
> So there are three things happening here, 1/ he has admitted he thinks she's 'hot'. 2/ That she has a gorgeous baby and doesn't look like she's ever had kids 3/he refuses to introduce us, rather does all he can to avoid doing so, and 4/ I believe he'd have gone straight to chat with her if I had not been present. What an unsettling feeling for a wife.


#1 - He admitted he thinks she's hot because you asked him who at work did he think is hot. That is different than him secretively thinking she's hot and you finding out about it through some nefarious behavior on his part.

#2 - I don't see what her having a gorgeous baby and not looking like she's ever had kids has anything to do with anything. THAT is the kind of thing that makes you seem jealous and probably the kind of thing your husband is picking up on that is making him want to steer clear of introducing you.

I think your husband is behaving differently because you are.


----------



## Monet19

norajane said:


> #2 - I don't see what her having a gorgeous baby and not looking like she's ever had kids has anything to do with anything. THAT is the kind of thing that makes you seem jealous and probably the kind of thing your husband is picking up on that is making him want to steer clear of introducing you.
> 
> "I don't see what her having a gorgeous baby and not looking like she's ever had kids"
> My hubby said this. Not I.
> 
> I think your husband is behaving differently because you are.


I believe he is behaving differently as he has introduced me to every other woman he knows to date, so why not this one also?

we are also open to whom we find attractive. I do not see this as a crime. On the contrary, it prevents 'secrets' from building. 

I also have no reason to behave 'differently' around her as I have never met her...she's someone I've heard of, seen a few times, but I do not know this woman. I am not judging her. I am questioning my husband's actions when I am present.


----------



## Monet19

norajane said:


> #1 - He admitted he thinks she's hot because you asked him who at work did he think is hot. That is different than him secretively thinking she's hot and you finding out about it through some nefarious behavior on his part.
> 
> oh and if I hadn't asked him who he thought was hot, then he'd not have told me, and it would have been his secret to date.
> 
> Why wait for the nefarious behavior? why not lay all cards on the table when one isn't comfortable with a situation o when one's intuition has a red flag warning?
> 
> I need to also say this also: If I were the partner not introducing the hot young guy I worked with, but whom I'd told my hubby about, he'd be very suspicious of me... and I can guarantee you, he'd be wondering what I have to hide from him. He'd probably be keeping a close eye on the guy as he's quite protective and jealous by nature.


----------



## A Bit Much

I honestly think your husband is nervous over the entire thing. He really doesn't know how to act now you know it's her. Not that you would snap or anything, but he's just unsure of showing too much of the obvious to you, and I would actually look at that as a form of respect. No woman wants to see their man acting like a silly school girl around some other woman.


----------



## Fledgling

So you have three options:

1) Introduce yourself
2) Don't and continue to worry
3) Tell your husband you are uncomfortable with that relationship and that you want them to minimize their time together.


----------



## A Bit Much

And here's another thought:

He may have told her that you asked him that question. He may have even told her his answer to you. She could be avoiding you for that reason... she doesn't want to create any awkward tension between you and your husband. I wouldn't go near you if I knew your husband had a crush on me. Why rub it in your face?? I don't really KNOW you or what will happen.


----------



## unbelievable

This is why no man in his right mind would answer such a question. Your husband is a guy. He finds at least half the women on earth attractive. For his honesty, he gets a huge target painted on his back and every work function becomes suspicious in his wife's mind.


----------



## Wiserforit

Monet19 said:


> we are also open to whom we find attractive. I do not see this as a crime. On the contrary, it prevents 'secrets' from building.


I admire you for this. We're the same way.

Trust your gut. There are a lot of signals you pick up without consciously knowing exactly what it is, but alarm bells are going off.

The face alone has over a hundred muscles that are involved to varying degrees with any expression depending on the emotions involved, and you recognize these at a subconscious level.

There are also releases of different chemicals from glands. It is quite literally true that predators can smell fear, for example. 

It is a natural instinct to be defensive of someone you are crushing on. The best policy for preventing any mischief is a bright sun shining on the whole thing. I'd want to meet the girl in the presence of the husband so you can deploy your radar on both of them to see if you pick up any warning signals.


----------



## Monet19

A Bit Much said:


> And here's another thought:
> 
> He may have told her that you asked him that question. He may have even told her his answer to you. She could be avoiding you for that reason... she doesn't want to create any awkward tension between you and your husband. I wouldn't go near you if I knew your husband had a crush on me. Why rub it in your face?? I don't really KNOW you or what will happen.


She's not avoiding me, he's avoiding her when I'm present.


----------



## Monet19

unbelievable said:


> This is why no man in his right mind would answer such a question. Your husband is a guy. He finds at least half the women on earth attractive. For his honesty, he gets a huge target painted on his back and every work function becomes suspicious in his wife's mind.


I'm a woman, I find other men attractive, would I behave this way towards my husband in regards to another man? No. Being a 'woman' does that give me an excuse to behave this way? No.

When you don't introduce to your spouse a co-worker you obviously have a crush on, it is natural for your spouse to question why.

Thanks for your help :smthumbup:


----------



## A Bit Much

Monet19 said:


> She's not avoiding me, he's avoiding her when I'm present.


Well in that case, it would be because he's paranoid. It's awkward.


----------



## pb76no

Could it be as simple as he's afraid you might tell or hint of his confession to you and he would be embarrassed by that! I'd be embarrassed if my W told someone I worked with "My H thinks you're hot!".


----------



## Monet19

Wiserforit said:


> I admire you for this. We're the same way.
> 
> Trust your gut. There are a lot of signals you pick up without consciously knowing exactly what it is, but alarm bells are going off.
> 
> The face alone has over a hundred muscles that are involved to varying degrees with any expression depending on the emotions involved, and you recognize these at a subconscious level.
> 
> There are also releases of different chemicals from glands. It is quite literally true that predators can smell fear, for example.
> 
> It is a natural instinct to be defensive of someone you are crushing on. The best policy for preventing any mischief is a bright sun shining on the whole thing. I'd want to meet the girl in the presence of the husband so you can deploy your radar on both of them to see if you pick up any warning signals.


Wonderful and insightful advice, Thank You Wiserforit 

The best policy for preventing any mischief is a bright sun shining on the whole thing.

I absolutely agree. Honesty and truth build trust in a marriage. Secrets and avoidance hurt marriages.


----------



## Monet19

pb76no said:


> Could it be as simple as he's afraid you might tell or hint of his confession to you and he would be embarrassed by that! I'd be embarrassed if my W told someone I worked with "My H thinks you're hot!".


He confided in me. I have no reason to tell her what he confided in me.


----------



## A Bit Much

You could help him out and just tell him next time you're together you're going to introduce yourself.

Put yourself in his shoes for a bit. You say it wouldn't be a big deal, but until you're in something like this you don't know how you'll respond.


----------



## Monet19

A Bit Much said:


> Well in that case, it would be because he's paranoid. It's awkward.


That makes it his problem then, no? 

I now am convinced I need to break the ice and introduce myself to her!


----------



## A Bit Much

Monet19 said:


> That makes it his problem then, no?
> 
> I now am convinced I need to break the ice and introduce myself to her!


It can be a weird situation. Here it is, you have a crush on someone and you're married... then they are together in the same room. Yikes. Will my spouse be nice? How should I act? What will they say to each other?

He wouldn't be the first man to avoid confrontation. Even one that's purely innocent.


----------



## Monet19

Thanks All for the great advice! You've saved both he and I much headache. I must catch a plane now.
TTYL


----------



## canttrustu

My suggestion is to keep your eyes and ears open. When I asked my H why he didnt talk to me about a girl at work- his answer "Bc I knew you'd be Jealous" Me: "Jealous of what" " Bc she's young, thin and powerful".....he was having at that point a 10month long affair with her. 

Not saying thats happening here, but I am saying you have to be careful when they start acting weird or differently about any one particular woman. Especially someone they spend an extended amount of time with.

Good luck and yes, make your aquaintance.


----------



## Wiserforit

You have a very good head on your shoulders. Another tip, more for others and not you because I can see you get it -

When a wife levels an accusatory "you _like_ her, don't you..." through gritting teeth like she is holding a frying pan up over her head about to bash you with it - the guy's instinct is to go on the defensive. Deny, evade, divert, etc.

My wife knows exactly what kind of girls turn me on, so she'll give a playful "she's you're type" with a sly smile like she's going to do me at home with this girl fresh on my mind. That's a sure thing for getting the truth out of me.


----------



## KanDo

Perhaps he doesn't want to interact with her at all socially. He thinks she is hot and wants to avoid akward interactions in a purely social context.

Anyway. Next time just march right up and introduce yourself.


----------



## Monet19

canttrustu said:


> My suggestion is to keep your eyes and ears open. When I asked my H why he didnt talk to me about a girl at work- his answer "Bc I knew you'd be Jealous" Me: "Jealous of what" " Bc she's young, thin and powerful".....he was having at that point a 10month long affair with her.
> 
> Not saying thats happening here, but I am saying you have to be careful when they start acting weird or differently about any one particular woman. Especially someone they spend an extended amount of time with.
> 
> Good luck and yes, make your aquaintance.


Exactly my thought. Why would you have anything to hide towards your spouse? Unless of course you do have something to be afraid of if your spouse and the other woman meet.

Whether it's a crush or an affair, is that a healthy morale for a marriage? A crush can lead to more, we all know this so lets get real. All it takes is stressful times in the marriage, time alone with the crush who's the perfect 'destressor'... 

I am saddened at how some men here are defending "having a crush with a co-worker is fine for a married man" or "it's ok to look because, after all, we are only men!" or "it's the wife who's the problem because she'll make a fuss" or "it's ok to have secrets when your married".

Wow, that makes me think: maybe all women should behave the same way? How would you guys like it?
"oh, it's ok to look because I'm just a woman", "I have a crush on a co-worker, I wish to keep it secret from my husband, and I can bc I'm just a woman". "it's the husband who's the problem bc he'll make a fuss" and "it's ok for the wife to have secrets too" 

I have to admit, with that train of thought, no wonder there are so many men having affairs. Whether the women who have affairs think the same way or not I have no idea. And forgive me men who's women have had affairs, I'm not even going to approach that subject because it's a whole other can of worms. We are after all discussing here : my husband's strange behavior around a female co-worker. I've also never had an affair, so I'm not qualified to talk about it. But it makes me very sad when men believe it's ok to hide things from their wives. I would love to hear from someone who's been married for a long time, in a happy marriage. I would love to hear if they believe this thought process is healthy for a marriage or not. My gut tells me it's not.

Saying all of this, I do not believe for one second my hubby is having an affair (though many wives/and husbands have been fooled, I know). . I do believe that maybe, just maybe, he's got a crush and I do not see it as being a healthy thing for our marriage.

Shouldn't married men be having affairs with their wives, and crushes on their wives? 
Aren't crushes for teens?? Lol! 

Sure it's hard to keep it exciting after many years together and kids and bills to pay and work etc. But, the long term company of someone who truly loves you and knows you and is your best friend and confidante, where there's love and not just sex: isn't that worth more than a casual affair with another married person for example?

ok, I'm going way off tangent here, can't help but be curious as to what others think.


----------



## Monet19

A Bit Much said:


> It can be a weird situation. Here it is, you have a crush on someone and you're married... then they are together in the same room. Yikes. Will my spouse be nice? How should I act? What will they say to each other?
> 
> He wouldn't be the first man to avoid confrontation. Even one that's purely innocent.


That makes sense, but should you be having a crush on anyone other than your wife?

I don't know, I feel that what's good for the gander is also good for the goose no?


----------



## Monet19

Wiserforit said:


> You have a very good head on your shoulders. Another tip, more for others and not you because I can see you get it -
> 
> When a wife levels an accusatory "you _like_ her, don't you..." through gritting teeth like she is holding a frying pan up over her head about to bash you with it - the guy's instinct is to go on the defensive. Deny, evade, divert, etc.
> 
> My wife knows exactly what kind of girls turn me on, so she'll give a playful "she's you're type" with a sly smile like she's going to do me at home with this girl fresh on my mind. That's a sure thing for getting the truth out of me.


Yeah, this makes sense too, makes it easier for you have crushes with other women. I would do the same if I were in her shoes and have crushes on other men! Lol 

Truly however, I'd not feel my marriage to be mutually exclusive...

There a difference with say: a pretty girl you see and admire in the street and a co-worker you see everyday and develop a relationship with over time. One is harmless to a marriage, the other I'm not so sure...


----------



## norajane

You will meet attractive people all your life. And you may be attracted to some of those people because there are a lot of wonderful people out there. Unless you're dead, yes, you can and will notice them and be attracted to them.

That doesn't mean you have to act on it, and you certainly shouldn't if you are married or committed otherwise. But I don't see how you can avoid noticing people and being attracted to them.

And I think you agree with that or you wouldn't have asked your husband who he thought was attractive in his office. He told you he was attracted to her! He was honest about that.

You don't have to wonder why he didn't introduce you - he TOLD you it was because he had already told you he was attracted to her and he feared you would be jealous. Why do you think there's more to it?


----------



## Monet19

pb76no said:


> Could it be as simple as he's afraid you might tell or hint of his confession to you and he would be embarrassed by that! I'd be embarrassed if my W told someone I worked with "My H thinks you're hot!".


Telling this woman my husband thinks she's hot would be completely unprofessional and I'd be deliberately putting his job at risk. I think this is one best kept between my hubby and I.

BUT! He might be afraid of me blabbing, so I should put his mind to rest. You have a point there!!


----------



## Monet19

norajane said:


> You will meet attractive people all your life. And you may be attracted to some of those people because there are a lot of wonderful people out there. Unless you're dead, yes, you can and will notice them and be attracted to them.
> 
> That doesn't mean you have to act on it, and you certainly shouldn't if you are married or committed otherwise. But I don't see how you can avoid noticing people and being attracted to them.
> 
> And I think you agree with that or you wouldn't have asked your husband who he thought was attractive in his office. He told you he was attracted to her! He was honest about that.
> 
> You don't have to wonder why he didn't introduce you - he TOLD you it was because he had already told you he was attracted to her and he feared you would be jealous. Why do you think there's more to it?


Being 'attracted' vs having a 'crush' on someone I think is different. What does everyone think? 

Seeing attractive people and admiring them, vs meeting someone on a regular basis one finds attractive and developing a relationship at work. Quite different no?

No woman or man doesn't notice attractive people. I do not believe this is what we are discussing here. Though it is good to compare a visual attraction of a stranger vs a crush developed with a co-worker.


----------



## norajane

But you weren't asking him about a visual attraction to a stranger. You asked him about attraction to someone at work, not a stranger. Someone he sees and interacts with every day. That kind of attraction is based on who a person is in addition to how they look. That can be closer to a crush than to a fleeting attraction to a stranger.


----------



## Wiserforit

Monet19 said:


> There a difference with say: a pretty girl you see and admire in the street and a co-worker you see everyday and develop a relationship with over time. One is harmless to a marriage, the other I'm not so sure...


For sure. It occurs to me this works the other way too with jealousy.

The day her cousin was over to visit, she wouldn't introduce me. When I asked what her name was, she said "she has a lot of different names". Apparently letting me know any of them was not going to happen, so I didn't push it.


----------



## A Bit Much

Monet19 said:


> That makes sense, but should you be having a crush on anyone other than your wife?
> 
> I don't know, I feel that what's good for the gander is also good for the goose no?


I'm not sure if the crush feeling is something you can control ... INITIALLY. One has to identify it within themselves. Liking or finding someone else attractive isn't uncommon. We're humans after all... it's the acts that follow that are what we need to watch and be mindful of. To my knowledge, neither myself or my husband have had any 'crushes' on anyone else in our marriage. I recognize when my husband finds a woman attractive, but so does he and he wouldn't put himself in a position to nurture that relationship. I know things happen and can start off very innocently. That's what temptation is. What one does with the temptation could be the end of a marriage or the further strengthening of that marriage.

Your husbands temptation works with him. Is it something he can manage? Only time will tell. He has to exercise self control here. You know of it now, so you can get right in there with him to help him out. It's not a matter of he shouldn't feel that way about her, because like I said he's a human being. Realistically he'll find other women attractive in his lifetime besides you. That's okay. 

In the meantime, you'll help both of you by introducing yourself to her. He may still feel awkward about it, but this kind of thing is necessary.


----------



## NextTimeAround

OP, I thinkyou should introduce yourself to her. I can't help but feel that your husband may be hiding something.

My fiance claimed that his EA was such a great friend but he never made the effort to introduce us. She even had a dinner party and invited me. He told me this 5 months after the fact.

I know now that they had talked about how often we had sex --in an indirect way of course...ie "how was your date with NTA? Did she spend the night?"

He also mentioned someo other intimate items about us to her. I am sure that he worried --and he should have been-- that she might have cornered me somewhere and repeat those personal items.

OP, you will find from other threads here that this is one of the underpinnings of an EA..... the spouse usually talks A LOT about their partner to their future/ current EA partner. It might be because in the spouse's mind that if he /she talks about their partner then they have done enough to warn this interloper about their relationship status.

But also, the interloper likes asking about their EA partner's spouse because effectivelym they are putting together information / ammunition against the spouse (or in my case partner since we're not married yet.)

When the going got tough, my fiance's EA partner then told him to drop me. We weren't having sex often enough, therefore I must not be serious about him. Also, as I am 21 years older than she, she also made an issue about my age to him. Of course, common wisdom is that a 29 yo should always be more appetising than a 50 yo to any man.

another thing that I thought was interesting. I did finally let my fiance know that I had done internet searches on this woman. A couple of years ago, there was a lot that you could find on someone just based on their e-mail address. I pointed out to him how she had signed up for a meetup activity that I actually went to...... before I knew she even existed but certainly after she knew that I existed.

He called my search creepy. so I had to pull him up and tell him, but less creepy than some strange woman asking about my sex life.

Get to the bottom of this and introduce yourself to that woman.


----------



## foolme2x

Based on the other threads you've started here, it sounds like you may have very good reason to be worried about this co-worker. Keep your eyes and ears open and do some investigating.

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, BTW.


----------



## Malcolm38

It's like starting a fight then being surprised that a fight has broken out.


----------



## unbelievable

There are women I think are attractive at my work. I don't have a "crush" on them. I'm just a guy. If I go to the grocery store or drive down the road, I'll see a woman I find attractive. Again, I'm a guy. I don't notice these women because I'm unhappy with my wife or because I have some "crush" or evil intent. I notice them because I'm not blind and because I'm a guy. Besides the fact that this poor sap functions as a normal straight male and notices attractive women, is there some other indication to believe he has a "crush" on anyone? Again, answering a loaded question like this from your wife is like trying to defuse a complicated bomb while completely intoxicated. It's just plain stupid and it won't end well.


----------



## KJ5000

.."I asked my husband whom he found attractive at work."


*WHY?* I don't understand why anyone would you ask their spouse this? Some people just look for trouble. 

That said, nothing good can come of a "co-worker crush" from anyone married, regardless of gender.
It's not harmless and unless cut off with the quickness, will lead to trouble down the road.


----------



## foolme2x

Yeah, but it sounds like OP's husband has been distant and cold since she came out of an acute grieving period after losing her child...AND that he has a history of some level of inappropriate behavior with younger women in previous relationships. So while this was totally a no-win question to ask, it's based in some gut instinct that something's up.


----------



## I got this

Leave him alone. You started the crap and you should end it. He just got kicked in the balls for being honest and not wanting to deal with this crap or escalate it. My wife doesnt act this way but if she did she would be left at home. Sorry for the grief but I find it utterly ridiculous. Put the claws down and invest yur energy into something productive. that question is up there with does this dress make me look fat. give a guy a break.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Monet19 said:


> She is at least 20 years younger than he is
> Red Flag combined with the fact of you posting here.
> 
> My husband jumps right in and holds her child every chance he gets.
> Red Flag, combined with the next point Big Red Flag
> 
> several times a year, my husband and I attend work functions. She is also at these work functions. My husband introduces me to most
> people there I do not know - except her.
> Big Red Flag
> 
> We were heading straight towards her at one function and he was staring at her, she is beautiful, and young, and then he changed direction to avoid her.
> Red Flag
> 
> 
> I hope it's not my imagination but I have noticed her looking at him expectantly when he walks into the room full of co-workers.
> Red Flag
> 
> And I can't help but think "If I weren't here, he'd probably go and chat with her" ,
> Red Flag
> 
> I've talked to him and have asked him why he does not introduce her to me and he said because I'd be jealous.
> Red Flag
> 
> 
> I am wondering if this is normal, ok or should I be worried? Should I mention this to him again? Have I not addressed it right?


In the development of the thread the Red Flags need to be mentioned again I think. The real questions are not adressed now.

A red flag does not mean there is an affair, but an affair has red flags. So you should be worried indeed, and keep a silent eye on the situation to see if there are other signs of an affair.

So investigate, but do it without letting him know, if you find nothing, then OK. You talking to her is OK to establish a normal relation with her as a co worker. But it could mean nothing as to finding out about a possible affair. Therefore you have to look at other things.


----------



## canttrustu

See_Listen_Love said:


> In the development of the thread the Red Flags need to be mentioned again I think. The real questions are not adressed now.
> 
> A red flag does not mean there is an affair, but an affair has red flags. So you should be worried indeed, and keep a silent eye on the situation to see if there are other signs of an affair.
> 
> So investigate, but do it without letting him know, if you find nothing, then OK. You talking to her is OK to establish a normal relation with her as a co worker. But it could mean nothing as to finding out about a possible affair. Therefore you have to look at other things.


THis.


----------



## strugglinghusband

A friend of any sort, co-worker what ever. Needs to be considered a friend of the marriage, if not, no friendship...easy as 1-2-3.


----------



## unbelievable

I agree, Struggling, but if a man's going to be waterboarded if he just mentions a female coworker, it's unlikely he's going to be inviting her over for tea with his wife.


----------



## greenfern

This is way back from the first post, but I for one thinks its a little unusual for a 20 yr-older co-worker to jump in and hold my 2 yr old child if I bring them into the office. Is he super kid-friendly? Does he do this with all the kids brought into the office? 

None of my [male] co-workers have ever wanted to hold my kids and I have brought them into the office periodically since they were babies.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

OP, I think you have larger problems then this 20 year old. Your first post paints a picture of your husband as an abuser and all around jerk. I guess my question is why do you want to stay with him?


----------



## NextTimeAround

greenfern said:


> This is way back from the first post, *but I for one thinks its a little unusual for a 20 yr-older co-worker to jump in and hold my 2 yr old child if I bring them into the office. Is he super kid-friendly?* Does he do this with all the kids brought into the office?
> 
> None of my [male] co-workers have ever wanted to hold my kids and I have brought them into the office periodically since they were babies.


I'm not a parent but if I were one, I think I would be a little bit concerned if an unrelated adult became a little too interested in my child.

OP, you should be concerned that your husband is setting himself up for a sexual harrassment suit.

And besides, how often does this child show up at work? And for what reasons? Surely, even bring your daughter to work days are once a year.


----------



## A Bit Much

Monet, do you and your husband have children?

Just today, I heard on a radio show that 50% of childless men are depressed about it. Could be nothing, could be something. Don't really know.

Here's an article about it:
http://www.livescience.com/28414-childless-men-more-depressed.html


----------



## soccermom2three

greenfern said:


> This is way back from the first post, but I for one thinks its a little unusual for a 20 yr-older co-worker to jump in and hold my 2 yr old child if I bring them into the office. Is he super kid-friendly? Does he do this with all the kids brought into the office?
> 
> None of my [male] co-workers have ever wanted to hold my kids and I have brought them into the office periodically since they were babies.


I have to agree, I thought this was kind of unusual too. How long have they worked together? I have 3 kids. I've brought them to the office, none of my male co-workers have asked to hold them, it's always the female co-workers.

Also, him avoiding her at functions, not introducing her to your and her expectant looks, are all strange. Yeah, I would be watching things. When you go up to introduce yourself, be really super sweet, "Hi, I'm Mrs. Monet. I can't believe we haven't met yet. Why do you think that is?" It's more a rhetorical question but gets the point across. Like to see her face though.


----------

