# mixed signals? advise plz from you ladies. (long)



## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Hi,

I have other posts on this forums. Long story cut short, im 27, ex wife 22. 1 baby boy 4 yrs old. Separated for 4 months now and no contact until last night. Together 6 yrs. Married for 4.

Background: We were very much in love in the beginning. She was young when we got together. Never been with anyone else apart from me. Didnt even party it up (partying just with me) before she met me. She was a wonderful mum, loving wife.

Problems: Mainly from me. I tend to go out with the "boys" a lot during her early pregnancy yrs to have a couple of drinks, not to eye other women or anything. I used to gamble a lot but i always made sure we had enough money to live decently. Since our breakup, i havent been gambling and been a good dad. I used violence on her once, while she was preg. I was then a marijuana addict and one day we had a big fight. She was aggravating me to the point i lost it and grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the wall. I havent done that since. 
There were also some emotional abuse at times( both of us ). The thing is she also contributed a lot to my resentment. She would always pick or trust her friends/family (her mum/dad) over me. I know that i might deserve it but its hard when someone constantly lost the trust for u. 

Other than that, ive been nice to her and my kid. I would let her eat better food (on a budget- id eat a pie and she'd eat a good meal somewhere). If say i won money from gambling, id go out and buy her something nice (rather than myself). I do most of the housework, clean, cook, fold clothings, basically everything for the last 4 yrs at least 90% of the time.

In early feb, she dropped the whole i love you but not in love with you speech. I was devestated. Begged, cried, pleaded for the sake of our child. Nothing worked. I finally couldnt take it anymore and did the 180. I was so angry, sad, disappointed that she just walked out on me when i was at my maturing age to become the man she always wanted!. Ive decided to change for her, not even go out much (if not at all) in order to save our marriage. 

Since then, shes been partying hard. Most of my friends say she sometimes cry outside the club drunk with her other frens. I havent heard of her with any other guy as of yet. Im not in a good position with her parents due to problems we had. During this time, i still went down to the club once every 3 weeks just to hang with my boys not to stalk her because its quite a famous club. And for the past few weeks, i would see my ex wife at this club. From the corner of my eyes, i see her starring at me quite a bit.

I've been with two girls since. One was a friend and we slept together drunk. Second was a very nice girl i met but i have ended it as of yesterday. I feel i cannot love these girls. 

Please dont judge me ladies. I wanted my marriage to work. I tried everything possible. I really had no choice but to try move on and i guess i was selfish in hurting two girls i care about. But i cant seem to love them at all. Its as if, i feel nothing, thus its why i ended it with the 2nd girl and wanted to be single for now. Dont get me wrong, ive been working on myself ever since. Gym, exercising, books. Everything. 

So fast forward 3 months of NO CONTACT whatsoever. I decided to text her last night to ask her for closure (so we both can move on). I asked her if she wanted to come to my new place to put our boy to sleep in his new bed for the first time. She politely declined and apologized ( i knew she was heading out to party with her friends again ). But she said she would like to meet up some other time. So we exchanged texts for a bit. I sent her some pics and rang her so my boy could talk to her. She politely said thanks. 

She hasnt text me today. Somewhere deep down inside, i feel i still love her dearly and i would exchange anything and everything to be with her. Unfortunately, i think her new group of friends are her world. Shes young, beautiful and smart. Could get nearly any guy she wants. I mean im not a bad looking guy. I consider myself to be above average and generally a nice guy. Its just over the past few months, ive been emotionally unstable. Always looking for a change. 

Ok my questions is,

Does she still miss / love me? - She told me during our breakup that she had no feelings for me but still cares for me as a friend and wanted to be friends. 

Does she want to get back? how would i know??? The thing is she wouldnt make the first move because she's got too much pride and is a pretty stubborn girl to be honest. 

I guess i just wanna find out if i stand a chance with her.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

She's only 22 years old (hence her partying). You treated her and your son like crap. She's beautiful and can get any man she wants. Why would she come back to you?

Your best bet is to get some counseling to fix what's inside. That emotionally unstable stuff doesn't just disappear without professional help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

capacity83 said:


> * She was aggravating me to the point i lost it and grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the wall*
> 
> *There were also some emotional abuseat *times
> 
> ...


The ship has sailed. Move on with your life, get a divorce, and get some counselling for your abusive ways.

Your wife is gone so treat her as such. She has told you straight up she has no feelings for you. Someone who says that does NOT want to get back with you.

Focus on getting some help to address your problems because if you don't, you will never find a companion to have a good relationship with.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> She's only 22 years old (hence her partying). You treated her and your son like crap. She's beautiful and can get any man she wants. Why would she come back to you?
> 
> Your best bet is to get some counseling to fix what's inside. That emotionally unstable stuff doesn't just disappear without professional help.



Im sorry. I didnt treat her and my son like crap. I just had issues of my own that i have slowly changed and became a better person over the years. Im much better now in terms of emotions. Im willing to let go as hard as it may be and have a relationship with her only as my sons mother.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The ship has sailed. Move on with your life, get a divorce, and get some counselling for your abusive ways.
> 
> Your wife is gone so treat her as such. She has told you straight up she has no feelings for you. Someone who says that does NOT want to get back with you.
> 
> Focus on getting some help to address your problems because if you don't, you will never find a companion to have a good relationship with.


Thx jellybeans. 
Ok she said she had no feelings for me.. this was 4 months ago. 

1. Then why is she upset all the time? i hear from my friends she's always being negative on her fb. Cries from time to time while drunk outside the club. Tries to talk to my friends and ask them why they hate her. Note: she didnt even like some of them in the first place while we were together. 

2. She keeps looking at me(sort of starring) at the club the last two times ive been down. Ive been dragged around by girls last weekend to the dancefloor and stuff and a mutual friend sort of said she was not too happy. 

3. Last week (before i initiated contact), she told my dad that she wanted her "wedding" stuff back. I dont know why but she would tell me to chuck them out instead right? like her dress etc etc. 


Jellybeans: i didnt treat her "that" bad. Lots of people told me i treat her well in fact. It;s just like any other couple, we sometimes get into arguments and emotionally abuse one another - calling each other names etc. I cook for her, clean for her, took a lot more responsibility towards our boy as yrs go by, changed for her (less gambling, less going out). 

Just two mins ago, i texted her if she wanted her old wedding dresses. She said she will come over to pick it up today.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

capacity83 said:


> Im sorry. I didnt treat her and my son like crap. I just had issues of my own that i have slowly changed and became a better person over the years. Im much better now in terms of emotions. Im willing to let go as hard as it may be and have a relationship with her only as my sons mother.


Fair enough but she's stated she has no feelings for you. Now I have no idea why she's upset all the time, why she's not happy, or why she's being negative. At the moment she isn't sharing that info with you and you can't push.

I still stand by if you want her back getting some counseling to work on your issues in addition to just letting her go (think 180) would do you a world of good.

One more thing. Many people on this board are over 40 myself included. I know full well how your perspective of life is going to change over the next 5 years. My husband and I almost split up when we were 28 and in hindsight I should have probably let him go. Great guy and all but hey I'm here aren't I just like you?


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Fair enough but she's stated she has no feelings for you. Now I have no idea why she's upset all the time, why she's not happy, or why she's being negative. At the moment she isn't sharing that info with you and you can't push.
> 
> I still stand by if you want her back getting some counseling to work on your issues in addition to just letting her go (think 180) would do you a world of good.
> 
> One more thing. Many people on this board are over 40 myself included. I know full well how your perspective of life is going to change over the next 5 years. My husband and I almost split up when we were 28 and in hindsight I should have probably let him go. Great guy and all but hey I'm here aren't I just like you?


Thanks for ur reply. Thats exactly what im wondering. As from my perspective, she probably feels guilty at the time of the break up. I think, or at least i know she does miss me. Yes she might not love me towards the end of our relationship but 6 yrs is not a short time. 

Ive read numerous self help books over the last few months. John Grays men from mars, women from venus and many others. 


I guess i can do now is try to work on myself and take us slowly. I just hope she still finds her way home, although she knows ive been with one of the two girls for a short period of time. I just hope that didnt push her away. I was really, really trying to get over her.

People always say you dont know what u had until u lose it. The fact is i knew what i had. I just never thought i'll lose it. ( got this quote from somewhere). 

The fact is .. we were an awesome couple. Many people, whether friends or acquitances, were jealous, admired us for having a kid so young and also coping with university. We were the first among our friends to have a beautiful baby boy. A lot of people tried to be like us. We had supportive parents, good friends.. we had everything, money was never really an issue as our parents were very generous to us. 

I guess ill update again later when shes over. I'll try not to push it. Just let her come in, wonder about and maybe ask her if she would like to have dinner here.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't have daughters and to me that's bittersweet because I wanted a girl in addition to my three boys. But it's a mixed blessing because I am old school. I would be a tough dad for a girl. The upside is that if OP were married to or living with my baby he'd disappear one day never to be found. 

Ok maybe not. But I would make him wish the decision tree of his entire life had unfolded radically different. A man who puts his hands on a woman in anger is not a man and he is living perilously close to the edge of the civilized world and the rules wherein it deals with conflict.

Word to the wise. Get your **** under control.


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