# Do you have a sibling you no longer talk to...



## Cee Paul

......and why?

I haven't spoke with my older brother in almost 10 years, and my wife has been with me for 8+ years so she's never even met him or spoke to him ever. There are several reasons why but I'd like to hear others share their sibling "situations" first.


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## Mavash.

I come from a long line of dysfunction. I sought help with therapy and with my newfound boundary skills I promptly got disowned by my parents. Haven't spoken to them in 15 years. 

I kept in contact with my sister even though she is toxic to me. I didn't want to lose my entire family so I kept her around. Over time I couldn't do it anymore so I started setting boundaries with her too.

She quit talking to me over a year ago. She still talks to my husband though. That has nothing to do with me and I did nothing wrong. I do not miss her. I miss the 'idea' of her not her as a person.


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## Horizon

My pedophile father ruined our family - but that came later. He physically and psychologically abused us when we were young. The pedophile crimes against 2 grand daughters came out much later when he was about 80. He beat the charges. He sexually abused the daughters of each of his two oldest sons - twins no less.

One grand daughter finally had the courage to take action. The other remains in denial. Case closed he's now dead, a family divided, twins who do not speak. A family ruined by a very sick man .
One afternoon I, who would not automatically side with my father, was assaulted by my younger brother. He got drunk while having a few quiet drinks with me and my father at a local club. I still tried to keep up appearances to some degree and was not able to completely wipe my father. 

My younger brother took offence when I stated my doubts about our Father's innocence as ruled by the court decision (Dad had gone to wait out front for our lift home). I was trying to hustle my drunken brother, who was starting to get loud and obnoxious, out of the club. In the back seat of our Mother's car he hit me numerous times to the side of my head causing concussion and deep bruising. 

That was in 2008. I saw him again last year by accident at a shopping centre and gave him a chance to apologise. He couldn't do it and we ended up having to be separated by security guards.

We spoke after that and he dribbled out an apology - I knew from that moment what my brother was really made of. He was as big an A-hole as our father. All those years growing up, all the fun our large clan of siblings had, all ruined by my Father and my weak compliant Mother who sat by for years and silently watched her own children assaulted by her war hero husband.

By God I have met some bastards.


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## NextTimeAround

I'm speaking less and less to my family. I should have started doing this a long time again.


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## lifeistooshort

I haven't spoken to one of my sisters in 8 years. She's always been toxic and angry but the last straw came during my divorce. It was very nasty and she knifed me in the back with my ex after he paid her phone bill. Apparently that's all her sister was worth. She proceeded to harass me, leaving me countless messages/emails threatening me, cursing me out, telling me that my ex was her brother and I should just deal with that. Then she moved in with him, where she looked my then 7 year old son in the face and told him that his mom was a [email protected]&king b$tch and was just mad because she was friends with his daddy. At that point I ripped my ex a new one and told him that if he didn't deal with this we'd be back in court to review his visitation. I got a half a$$ed message where she both denies saying it and then apologizes. Eventually he got tired of her and kicked her out, so she moved in with our mom where she continues to mooch in her late 30's. Our other sister had similar issues with her so she also has nothing to do with her. She then started leaving me messages cursing me out for calling "her" mother and threatened my life. I took years worth of harassing to the sheriff's office, who proceeded to call her and have a chat. Most of the harassing stopped after that, apparently she wasn't that tough. The irony is that she only makes threats when she's hiding behind a phone or computer, when she's had access to me she doesn't do anything except cry. She's burned every bridge in her life and pretty much has no friends, and my mom is the only family that talks to her. Our father even cut her out of his will. I don't think she's ever had a real relationship with anyone, whether friends or more, because people only exist for her so she can use them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul

My older brother who lives in Indiana about 1,200 miles from me got his three strikes & out by:

a) cutting off all ties with his 3 boys because his 2nd wife(he divorced the 3 boys mother after 18 years)did not like them, and she already had a daughter and thought that her daughter should be their main parenting focus.

b) he didn't ever acknowledge or congratulate me on my wedding even though he was sent an invitation and announcement.

c) did not attend my mother's funeral even though my dad offered to send him a round trip plane ticket, so he was the only sibling or family member not in attendance.


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## LoveAtDaisys

I'm starting to lose contact with my younger brother. We occasionally talk, but it's very cordial, and I won't go out of my way to talk to him.

My reason is
1. He's almost 22 and still at home...
2. ...working minimum wage (and barely able to hold on to that job)...
3. ...with no plans to go to college...
4. ...and no career aspirations...
5. ...he is financially dependant on my parents, who just went through bankruptcy and lost their house, and treats them like sh!t...
6. ...and he's *#&$^ing CRAZY. He swears that I am brainwashed by the government because I'm in the military and that Americans on the West Coast are being slowly poisoned by radioactive leaks coming from Japan. Which, if that were the case, I'd be dead, 'cause I was in Japan during the tsunami/earthquakes.
7. Oh, and the last time he was in my home he insulted me (insinuating that I was sexually promiscuous in front of my husband).

I took a good look at him/his actions and decided that were he not blood and just a friend I had met, I wouldn't still associate with him. It's sad, but that's where we are.


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## Awe

Yes I do.

My older sister is quite evil.

When I was younger than 14 she used to chase me and my younger siblings around with knives (parents were at work) telling us she was going to kill us (and meant it). This happened randomly and for no reason. It stopped when I got bigger than her and punched her in the head (gave her a nice big lump, this is the only time I have ever punched anyone) when she tried to push my younger sister down the stairs.

She made up horrible rumours about my wife and me and then spread them around my family. 

After (and before) my father had a massive heart attack she stressed him out a lot. He told her he could no longer babysit her 4 children (with 4 different fathers might I add). She begged and cried until he gave in. I didn't like that he would cave in, but she knew how weak he was and just how to act to get what she wanted. She would ask him to babsit for an hour and be gone until the next day. He felt bad for her children because they were being neglected (I called child services, but they did nothing). My parents pretty much were raising her 4 children and my dad couldn't do it. He was on disability from work and he worked a non-physical job. That's how weak he was. I watched all this and tried to talk him out of it as I saw how weak he was getting. He was my best friend. He was at my house a few days a week (sometimes with her kids) for dinner.

After he died she acted like her best friend died. It was sickening. She never once talked to him like a friend. Any interaction they had was her begging for money or babysitting. She didn't miss him, she missed the services he provided for her. Which hurt because my whole family was consoling her while I was in pain, but because I wasn't crying all the time, they ignored it. And then certain members of my family started talking about how close she was with him and how she misses him more than the rest of us because she was crying the most. She's so manipulative, it's frustrating. They just can't see it, even when I point it out.

When it came time for my father's memorial/funeral, the funeral company wanted pictures to do a slide show. My wife and I took the task and found pictures of him with everyone. We carefully selected pictures to make sure it was all even and there weren't more pictures of certain people with him than others. We sent them to the company, but found out during the memorial that she had gone to them with her own pictures and asked they be used instead. These pictures were all of her children and my father. I think there was 1 picture of all of us together and 1 of him with all his grandchildren. It was a disgusting site at a horrible time. I'm still pissed off about it. I actually had people comment on it, that's how bad it was. 

It still upsets me. 

So, I no longer go to any family functions (on my side) and I only see my mother and my younger siblings when my "sister" (in title only) will not be there.


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## NextTimeAround

I'm convinced now that back in the 80swhen I was dating a guy, Stalker Guy, and I broke up with him, my sister and her husband befriended him (that is a fact). I believe now that whenever I told my sister what I was doing, she told him. that would explain how Stalker guy would show in places where I would not expect to see him.

One evening I was on a date with a guy who drove a Porsche. Stalker Guy walked right by us. My sister called me later that night and said that she heard that I was out with a guy who drives a Porsche. to this day, she still says that her relationship with Stalker Guy has nothing to to do with me.

I have more examples. I'll give them when I'm in the mood.


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## lifeistooshort

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm convinced now that back in the 80swhen I was dating a guy, Stalker Guy, and I broke up with him, my sister and her husband befriended him (that is a fact). I believe now that whenever I told my sister what I was doing, she told him. that would explain how Stalker guy would show in places where I would not expect to see him.
> 
> One evening I was on a date with a guy who drove a Porsche. Stalker Guy walked right by us. My sister called me later that night and said that she heard that I was out with a guy who drives a Porsche. to this day, she still says that her relationship with Stalker Guy has nothing to to do with me.
> 
> I have more examples. I'll give them when I'm in the mood.



Yep, during my divorce when I was still talking to my dirtbag sister she would call me, hound me for information (cause I'm your SISTER!) and then hang up the phone, call my now ex, and repeat everything. She also insisted her dealings with him had nothing to do with me. I think on some level they either resent us or are jealous of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja

I moved 1000’s of miles away from my birth family at age 16, the earliest age at which you could not legally be reported as a runaway. My mother was in a mental institution (extreme bipolar) and had been since I was 12, my father was a violent azz-hat and child molester (little boys) and my younger brother started molesting little girls at age 12 and later served 5 years in prison for those crimes.

Once I left, I worked, put myself through college and never looked back. Well, I did go back once 3 years later when I was settled in order to take custody of my younger sister (age 9 at the time). I have kept my relationships with my 2 sisters over the years. My parents are now dead and my brother knows better than to attempt any contact with me.

My sisters and I have a long-standing joke; we often say “I cannot believe we share genetic material with those people”.


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## Runs like Dog

not intentionally no. we're simply not close in any way never have been.


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## NextTimeAround

lifeistooshort said:


> Yep, during my divorce when I was still talking to my dirtbag sister she would call me, hound me for information (cause I'm your SISTER!) and then hang up the phone, call my now ex, and repeat everything. She also insisted her dealings with him had nothing to do with me. * I think on some level they either resent us or are jealous of us.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am certain now that my sister is jealous of me. The penny dropped when after she dumped the first guy she dated after her the completion of her divorce, she talked about how cheap he was with her. 
At the same time that she was dating cheapskate, I was dating a guy who was very good about planning and paying for dates. So she started hassling me when I was dating this guy that he was serious about marrying me; that no guy spends that much money on a woman unless he is on the marriage track and that if I continue to date him past 6 months, I'm just using him -- no matter what he says he wants or the fact that he talked about marriage but never asked me to marry him.

Now I realise that that whole excercise was to rationalise why she ended up with the cheap guy --he wasn't ready to get married and I ended up the generous guy -- men are only generous when they want get married.

Sad that she had to drag me into her solution to feel better about herself.


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## golfergirl

My kids joke there is no way I am related to my siblings. They are very exclusive, inside jokes that make others (spouses) feel left out. I found I did all of the invitations, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc and would never be invited back. When my mom was in her last year, living in her own home but not really independent, I asked that 3 of us freeze up leftovers twice a week for meals for my mom and the bachelor brother get her fast food once a week to keep her fed. I was told that one has plans for their leftovers and the other doesn't really eat regular stuff. So I, pregnant at the time and shift worker brought my mom all our leftovers to keep her eating home cooked meals (she hated meals on wheels). I think that is when I distanced myself from them. Our mom was the most selfless decent woman ever and to have those selfish jerks (all were retired or semi-retired) not be willing to pitch in at all made them jerks in my books.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

This worse than infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

NextTimeAround said:


> I am certain now that my sister is jealous of me. The penny dropped when after she dumped the first guy she dated after her the completion of her divorce, she talked about how cheap he was with her.
> At the same time that she was dating cheapskate, I was dating a guy who was very good about planning and paying for dates. So she started hassling me when I was dating this guy that he was serious about marrying me; that no guy spends that much money on a woman unless he is on the marriage track and that if I continue to date him past 6 months, I'm just using him -- no matter what he says he wants or the fact that he talked about marriage but never asked me to marry him.
> 
> Now I realise that that whole excercise was to rationalise why she ended up with the cheap guy --he wasn't ready to get married and I ended up the generous guy -- men are only generous when they want get married.
> 
> Sad that she had to drag me into her solution to feel better about herself.



Yes! I remarried a great guy that happens to be 19 years older and also generous, though I make a good living so it's not like I needed someone to do for me. That's part of what he liked about me. .She then left me nasty messages about f$cking someone old enough to be my father, which is not only stupid but if you knew her skanky history you'd roll on the for at the thought of her saying such things to me. .My other sisters response was that skank really wants what I got but is so nasty in her late 30's (though a couple of years younger than me) that nobody with anything to offer is interested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper

I have two living brothers and one sister, we were never a close family and over the years have just drifted apart. One of my brothers moved out of state 15 years ago and I haven't heard from him since, my other brother and sister live in the same area as me but we rearly see each other. We don't hate each other we just never felt the need to be with each other all the time, or even some of the time. lol


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## MyHappyPlace

I don't talk to my oldest sister because she's a pretentious ***** who thinks she is better than the rest of us. However, she lives states away so it's not an issue. My brother and I don't really care for each other and don't talk but are at least civil when we are at family functions at our parents' house. He made some extremely derogatory statements about the way our parents raised us and about MY parenting. He, who has no children... In the meantime, my mother is my best friend and my father means the world to me. It's funny how many people comment that I married my father because my H is so much like him... coincidence? I think not!

My H doesn't have any siblings, but has cut all communication with his parents. Not knowing the dynamics, when we first got together, I hunted his family down and tried to reunite severed ties. Oops. His father and step-mother are extremely opinionated and ridiculous. Plus, his step-mother is bi-polar and doesn't always handle it well. His mother was great, at first... then I realized the crazy! I once read him an insane post she had put on FB about me and all he said was "Yep. This is my life." By then I totally understood why he had cut ties. Now we don't talk to any of them.


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## Cosmos

Youngest of 6 here and distanced from my siblings. Haven't seen the eldest in 19 years, and the second eldest in about 15 years.

The eldest seems to have manipulated and controlled our dysfunctional family dynamics for as long as I can remember, and therapy helped me draw a line under that one many years ago.

In my family, you either play 'the game' or you're out. I left the fold long ago.


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## golfergirl

Cosmos said:


> Youngest of 6 here and distanced from my siblings. Haven't seen the eldest in 19 years, and the second eldest in about 15 years.
> 
> The eldest seems to have manipulated and controlled our dysfunctional family dynamics for as long as I can remember, and therapy helped me draw a line under that one many years ago.
> 
> In my family, you either play 'the game' or you're out. I left the fold long ago.



Wonder how telling that is -I am youngest too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyHappyPlace

I am also the youngest of 5. The oldest sister was 11 at the time of my arrival. Next was 6, then 4, and my brother was 2. By the time I really remember any of my childhood the oldest was gone to college and the next one down had a child of her own (she was 14 when he was born), the next one had a mental disability so it was really just me and my brother. We grew up pretty close but split out in our teens. By then I was spending more time with my sister with the disability and being treated as her keeper of sorts. When we would go out it was always "Watch out for your sister..." I never minded though and she and I are still pretty close now.


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## NextTimeAround

This is why I question the value of big families. My mother told me that youngest sister/ sibling who is 44 wants to move back in with my mother. she has asked one sister and one brother if she could as well. They have turned her down. She works full time but apparently she does not want to live alone. ETA: I should also point out that for all of 30s she lived with my parents. As an air hostess, she works 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. During her 2 weeks off, she would go to clubs, come home and sleep until 4. Walking into her bedroom, you would be ankle deep in clothes and other stuff. My sister finally oncinved her to take up residence in another city where she might find more suitable men to date and hopfully marry one. She moved to another city 4 years ago, but even a steady dating situation has been elusive to her.

I was asking my fiance what would a possess a 40 something to want to move in her mother (my father passed away last year). He surmised that maybe my sister was spoiled. I do think she had learned that if she did nothing, someone would come along and do it for her. 

I remember after university when I moved back in with my parents to look for a job, I did feel as if I should help out around the house. I offered to help my sister with her homework who was still in high school at the time. But then my mother and I would get into arguments because she didn't want me to just help, she wanted me to actually do her homework so that she would have something to hand in. I think this partly had to do with my mother always wanting to run counter to me. That is, maybe if I had not offered to help at all, my mother would have suggested that. Since I had already offered to help, that was not good enough. IOW, you can't be seen to be in control if you are not actually making someone do something that they don't want to.

I chuckle now at the thought of what life would be like if my mother had had one or more kids beyond my sister. She could be in her late 70s these days with house full of adult children that she's still taking care of.

The games families play.


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## Sbrown

I have two I do not speak with, and only recently started speaking to my mother again. I've learned that being blood makes you related, your loyalty/actions make you family. My oldest brother and youngest sister and my mom to a degree believe no one in our family should be more successful or happier than they are. And if you are, well you just think your better. I've had all three call me and ask for money and when I said "no"I would get a version of "you're so rich I can't believe you won't help family." Full disclosure I'm not even close to "rich" 

One Christmas my older brother came down for to visit and was upset that I was working Christmas Eve, I got the "all you do is work, family is more important than work." I told him I would be off by 1 and that the family plans didnt even start until 2 and that the triple time pay was very important to me and my family. He got pissed and left when he found out we didn't get him or his gf a gift. I told him kids ONLY and he didn't wait around for us to give them their gift. I can't believe we grew up in the same house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Running Mom

I still talk to all of my family and my husband to his. We've had our disagreements and we've hurt each other's feelings (as adults) but for the most part, we all get along now. We actually just had a huge family vacation at the beach together where all of us, including my awesome stepmother, hung out for a week. As kids, we got along very well although things did get a little rocky when my stepbrother and stepsister moved in (when my dad first remarried), but those two have worked through their issues and are well-adjusted adults now (although my stepsister has some mental health issues which took her a lot longer to work through than we had all hoped). 

I wish we could be closer. My sister is my best friend but I wish I could see my brothers more often. My one brother lives a few states away and my other brother is married to a b***h (we've learned to tolerate each other but things are definitely better when she just doesn't attend any family events).


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## Wiltshireman

I am lucky that I have a great relationship with my sister (she is only two year older than me) and an OK relationship with one of my brothers (he is 4 years younger) even though I think he can be a bit of a fool at times (the fact that he is twice divorced could back this up), it is only my youngest brother (11+ year age gap) that I have trouble relating to. He was only 5 when I left home so I do not have many shared growing experiences with him and when we do speak (family events etc) I find it hard to relate to him. 
Whilst my mother was still alive I did make a point of popping around to see him whenever I went home to see her but in the 6 – 7 years since see died I have seen him less and less. We seem to have become just acquaintances who swap the occasional message / photo on FB and that does make me sad.

Things are not helped by it always having to be my sister or myself who put in the effort to make events happen, neither of my brothers seem able to pick up the phone unless they need something (usually money in the youngest case).


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## Anon Pink

Holy crap, I'm the youngest too!

I have two sisters, one lives with me, the other I haven't spoken to in two years. She treats me very badly and when called out she blamed me for being.......fill in the blank. Essentially if I didn't do what she wanted, or did something she didn't agree with, she became nasty.

Life is too short for toxic people to be tolerated.

I miss having her in my life and it has strained family gatherings. Everyone agrees her attitude and behavior arent acceptable, but she obviously respects the boundaries of my other siblings while she doesn't respect mine. I miss the ease I once had with her kids whom I love deeply. I wish she would treat me better but after so many years of her hurtful pronouncements, I had to cut it off.


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## richie33

I am the youngest of 6. Cut my sisters out of my life 6 years ago and my parents a few months ago. Have a great relationship with my oldest brother and a good relationship with one other brother.
My mother and second to oldest sister are a nightmare to be around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

Anon and Richie, do you ever get the feeling that your life was easier growing up? ie, didn't have to miss things in order to babysit younger siblings; didn't have to clean up after older siblings ; even while being babysat by an older sibling, they had no authority to make you do anything, so they got all the blame for anything not being what the parents wanted and so on.......


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## Cosmos

NTA, you didn't address me, but I would like to answer this one, too, if that's OK...

My older siblings think that I had a much easier time growing up than they did, and this was, perhaps, a factor for them (but not part of my reality). The eldest had way too much authority over me, and never missed an opportunity to try to get me into trouble, and this persisted into my teen years.

When I was about 4 - 5 years of age, I can remember being called in from playing out with my friends. I was told that there was "someone to see you." When I entered the house there was a peculiar looking old lady waiting to see me. In a weird, but vaguely familiar, voice she told me that she was from the local orphanage and had come to take me away from my family, because I had been "very bad." I can remember screaming the house down and becoming totally hysterical, but it was then revealed that it was my second to eldest sibling dressed up. At the time, the older sibs were about 19 and 21 years of age... 

I was also told on several occasions that I was adopted and that my 'real mother' was locked away in a mental institution. "Why do you think you've got blonde hair and blue eyes, and we've got dark hair and brown eyes?"

Needless to say, I grew up with a lot of baggage 'thanks' to my siblings, and can't praise therapy enough!


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## Anon Pink

Cosmos said:


> NTA, you didn't address me, but I would like to answer this one, too, if that's OK...
> 
> My older siblings think that I had a much easier time growing up than they did, and this was, perhaps, a factor for them (but not part of my reality). The eldest had way too much authority over me, and never missed an opportunity to try to get me into trouble, and this persisted into my teen years.
> 
> When I was about 4 - 5 years of age, I can remember being called in from playing out with my friends. I was told that there was "someone to see you." When I entered the house there was a peculiar looking old lady waiting to see me. In a weird, but vaguely familiar, voice she told me that she was from the local orphanage and had come to take me away from my family, because I had been "very bad." I can remember screaming the house down and becoming totally hysterical, but it was then revealed that it was my second to eldest sibling dressed up. At the time, the older sibs were about 19 and 21 years of age...
> 
> I was also told on several occasions that I was adopted and that my 'real mother' was locked away in a mental institution. "Why do you think you've got blonde hair and blue eyes, and we've got dark hair and brown eyes?"
> 
> Needless to say, I grew up with a lot of baggage 'thanks' to my siblings, and can't praise therapy enough!



OMG that is the worst fear of any child. And then they laughed and laughed and made fun of you for crying. Horrible! I wonder, as they became a parent did they ever look back at that cruelty toward you and feel bad, or did they assume that since you some breaks they didn't, you deserved some trauma to go along with it? Just indecent!

My mother was abusive. The older she got the less she could hold it together. The sister who lives with me witnessed some of it. My oldest only heard about, but apparently discounted it. The last year my oldest siste and I had a relationship, several of her friends made remarks, in passing, about how I was the favorite. I said yes, I'm my mothers favorite but it comes with a very heavy price tag that I'd be happy to give to someone else!

I could not believe after all these years my sister holds a grudge for what our crazy lunatic of a mother did! She wasn't even living at home during the super crazy years. And this is what prompts her venom toward me. I've suggested therapy, but she's too perfect for that. Some one might discover ...


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## kokonatsu

I don't talk with my older sister. She doesn't like me, and I just cant keep putting myself in harms way by being close with her. I think it all started out as jealousy -- I did some things after high school that I know she wanted to do, and it seems that it's just escalated. I don't even know why. She's never said anything or tried to repair anything. But the main reason I won't try to be close with her is because I feel I've tried a lot of times over the years, but she just won't reciprocate. And then she does things that hurt me, without even thinking about it I guess. We are civil at family gatherings, but i'm moving to a different continent soon, so those will be few and far between. 

Although, I was bridesmaid at her wedding in 2009, but i feel that was just because she didn't have any other close friends. At the time of her wedding, she had one friend from work that was closer to her than I was, but I guess it was too late to change it. 

My dad died when I was eight, and my mom (of course) had a hard time dealing with it, so I had to back off from my relationship from her when I was a teen. I just have a hard time talking about things with her, although it's gotten better recently, I still need my space. 

But my younger sister and I are very close. She's one of my best friends. It wasn't always this way, actually, she and I used to fight (like, fist-fights) when we were kids, and we hardly talked when I was in college/Japan. since I came back to Canada though, we've gotten very close, and have travelled a lot to see each other this past year. It's great!


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## Cosmos

Anon Pink said:


> OMG that is the worst fear of any child. And then they laughed and laughed and made fun of you for crying. Horrible! I wonder, as they became a parent did they ever look back at that cruelty toward you and feel bad, or did they assume that since you some breaks they didn't, you deserved some trauma to go along with it? Just indecent!
> 
> My mother was abusive. The older she got the less she could hold it together. The sister who lives with me witnessed some of it. My oldest only heard about, but apparently discounted it. The last year my oldest siste and I had a relationship, several of her friends made remarks, in passing, about how I was the favorite. I said yes, I'm my mothers favorite but it comes with a very heavy price tag that I'd be happy to give to someone else!
> 
> I could not believe after all these years my sister holds a grudge for what our crazy lunatic of a mother did! She wasn't even living at home during the super crazy years. And this is what prompts her venom toward me. I've suggested therapy, but she's too perfect for that. Some one might discover ...


It's the denial that's so hurtful, AP, isn't it? But denial is a hallmark of dysfunctional families, along with black and white thinking. 

As regards your sister, as long as she's in denial therapy would be futile. All you can do is look after yourself and ignore her barbed comments.


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## Jane_Doe

I wouldn't have much to do with my older sister if she didn't have 3 kids that I adore - but I'm in a different country than all of them so we don't see each other aside from skype chats. I don't respect my older sister's values (living off the government as a 'single mum' with benefits, housing, childcare, and a live-in boyfriend the gov't doesn't know about).

I haven't met my husband's parents (deadbeats & neglectful from his descriptions, and they don't acknowledge my existence either). He also cut all ties with his only brother, who has a history of criminal activity, once involving sexual conduct with a minor, so I definitely don't want anything to do with him.

The rest of my in-laws are pretty wonderful, so we aren't missing out on much based on a couple of bad apples.


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## Cee Paul

I'm one of 8 kids but I am only close with 2 of my 7 siblings, and I don't hate the others but I just simply have no use for them in my life.


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## larry.gray

LongWalk said:


> This worse than infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you mean that not being in contact with your siblings is worse than infidelity?

My comment on that is that you can only take so much toxic behavior before you have to end contact and free yourself from it.


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## NextTimeAround

larry.gray said:


> Do you mean that not being in contact with your siblings is worse than infidelity?
> 
> *My comment on that is that you can only take so much toxic behavior before you have to end contact and free yourself from it.*


This is true. And the less the see you sometimes the better that they behave.


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## Anon Pink

Cosmos said:


> It's the denial that's so hurtful, AP, isn't it? But denial is a hallmark of dysfunctional families, along with black and white thinking.
> 
> As regards your sister, as long as she's in denial therapy would be futile. All you can do is look after yourself and ignore her barbed comments.


The denial is very hurtful and as we've all figured out, we don't owe our souls to family cohesiveness. It hurts a great deal that my sister is more interested in being right, or not being wrong in her behavior toward me, than having a relationship with me. It's especially hard during family get togethers when her ability to pretend everything is perfect shines. I can't avoid family get togethers, I love her kids too much. I know she loves my kids. Our kids know about the elephant in the room. 

That neither of us holds our kids hostage in this situation is a blessing. They don't deserve to be tossed in the middle of something they have no control over. We both love each others kids more than we dislike each other.


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## southern wife

Wow, lots of big families here. *I'm the youngest of 6 as well.* More the "Brady Bunch" type of family: his, hers and ours. Dad brought 2 girls from his first marriage, Mom had 2 girls and a boy, and they got married and had me. You can imagine the jealousy when I was born.  

To this day, 2 sisters (Dad's daughters) are still super jealous. I hate it, but I can't change it. One of them I barely talk to anymore. She walked out on me and my daughter during dinner at a restaurant a few years ago. Never apologized and still don't know why, but I've had very little to do with her since. There was no argument or anything, just having dinner, a few beers, and I was engaged in convo with her, while still paying attention to my daughter. Something just snapped in my sister and she said something hurtful and left. Anyway, she's just too toxic for me to be around and I will not bring my daughter around her; I don't trust her. 

I get along just fine with my other siblings (Mom's kids), and their kids.


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## larry.gray

southern wife said:


> Wow, lots of big families here. *I'm the youngest of 6 as well.* More the "Brady Bunch" type of family: his, hers and ours. Dad brought 2 girls from his first marriage, Mom had 2 girls and a boy, and they got married and had me. You can imagine the jealousy when I was born.


I always joke with my daughters that we're sorry that we have such boring families. We're blessed to know and socialize with a number of people that have had nuclear families. But we're the oddities for my kids at school. Big families, all with the same two parents is rare. Nearly all families are single or maybe two, or are a blended family.

A lot are exactly like you describe. His, hers and theirs. My middle girl's BFF spends 1/2 time with mom's family and 1/2 time with dad's family. When at mom's, she's there with one set of half siblings and step siblings. Then she goes to another family with another set half siblings and step siblings. I tell my daughter that they must have a "lot of love to share" with that many and I get an UGH, just "lots of drama."


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## Trickster

Let's see....
My cheater Dad abandoned us 4 kids to re-marry and to take care of her last child.

My alcoholic abusive mother died when I was 13...

My cheater Dad died from a boating accident. We were adults then. The last thing he told me was I was no longer his son. (long story there)

My younger brother died ..Jumped from a 7 story balcony..... he was 32.

A year later my older brother died from HIV, just 3 weeks after my daughter was born

My sister is all I have left from/my family. I don'l talk to her near enough. We have our issues, but....life is short.

I should call her.... If just to make sure she is still alive.


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## Cee Paul

From the looks of it I am one of the very few who came from parents who married once and stayed married for 58 years(until my mom passed), and who had 8 kids who all came from just the two of them.


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## Wiltshireman

Cee Paul said:


> From the looks of it I am one of the very few who came from parents who married once and stayed married for 58 years(until my mom passed), and who had 8 kids who all came from just the two of them.


That makes me wonder how reflective of wider society the membership of TAM is. We are (for the most part) people who have chosen to come to this forum because we have (or have had) problems in our relationships.

Are the children of failed / troubled relationships more or less likely to succeed in their own relationships? Can we learn from the mistakes of our parents are we doomed to repeat them.
(My parents divorced when I was in my teens but until the last year or so they did provide us 4 kids with a stable / lovely upbringing and continued to “be there” for us all after that time.)


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## betulanana

Just for the statistics:

I come from a close-knit and loving family and have good relationships with my siblings and also with my aunts / uncles and cousins.

My family is not only close-knit. We are also well-off and life has been good to us in the last 20 years.

Very boring, isn't it? 
It also deprives me of the chance to blame my character flaws on my parents.


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## Cee Paul

Wiltshireman said:


> That makes me wonder how reflective of wider society the membership of TAM is. We are (for the most part) people who have chosen to come to this forum because we have (or have had) problems in our relationships.
> 
> Are the children of failed / troubled relationships more or less likely to succeed in their own relationships? Can we learn from the mistakes of our parents are we doomed to repeat them.
> (My parents divorced when I was in my teens but until the last year or so they did provide us 4 kids with a stable / lovely upbringing and continued to “be there” for us all after that time.)


*As far as my parents setting an example and raising the bar high for us here's out the 8 of us turned out in our marriages:*


Sister #1 - has two kids from her first marriage and is on her _third_ marriage right now.

Sister#2 - no kids(is unable to have any)and currently divorced for the 2nd time and single.

Sister #3 - has 4 kids and has been married once for 26 years.

Sister #4 - has 3 kids and has been married once for 18 years.

Brother #1 - has 5 kids and is currently a widower after 32 years of marriage.

Brother #2 - has 3 kids(that he gave up all parental rights to voluntarily)and is on his 2nd marriage.

Brother #3 - has 2 kids and has been married once for 14 years.

Brother #4(ME) - I have no kids and I'm on my 2nd marriage going on 8 years now.


**Final score: 4 successful marriages and 4 that have had failed marriages**


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## thunderstruck

Dear ol' dad was an abusive alcoholic, so my older sis and I had a crap childhood that gave both of us issues. I think I've accepted mine and tried to move past them, but she hasn't.

We've gone through periods of nearly a year in which we haven't spoken. Now, with more maturity on my end, we have a decent/good relationship. I don't like a lot of things about her, but I accept her flaws and I love her b/c she's my blood.


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## barbados

Youngest of 5 with 4 older sisters.The oldest 3 are 9 to 12 years older than me, the youngest 5 years older. We were close till around 1999 and then the crap hit the fan with my youngest sister and her husband. (was ongoing for years and long story, includes drug use by both of them and infidelity, etc) W & I let it be known that we would not be at any family functions where they would be. We maintained relationships with everyone else for a while, but that eventually faded as well. Did not talk to any of my 4 sisters or their kids until my Dad's death in 2008. 

We did however always maintain a regular relationship with my parents and regularly had my children see their grandparents.

Have reconnected with my sister's since, but again the BS with my youngest reared its head, including her divorcing my now ex-BIL. I do not speak with her unless I see her at a family function which are seldom these days. Really only close with my second oldest sister and her H and her kids who are all grown men now.


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## tainted

I deny ever having an older sister named Mary. 

She's stolen from nearly everyone in the family, beat my elderly grandma up once, crashes kids' bday party drunk/high. But the worst thing about her is she doesn't even take care of her own kids. 

She has 3 live kids with 2 different men. 2 to her exhusband 1 to a dead beat loser and 2 that were stillborn from strangers.

She doesn't have custody of any of her kids. While pregnant once she asked my cousin for a smoke and said its okay cause she was just going to give the baby up for adoption anyways. 

While she was still married, she told her husband to give her money to throw a bday party for her 7yr old daughter. My niece went to school and gave out invitations for the party. My sister took the money and ran off to Reno for 5 months. 

My younger sister and i both have RO against her. The world would be a better place without her, just ask her kids and they'll agree.


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