# My Husband wants a Divorce, I am so confused...



## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

I have been with my husband for 14 years. We have been married for 10 years. 3 weeks ago he said he wanted a divorce. Although we've had what I considered normal marriage problems, I never thought things were this bad! He has been very cold for a long time and this has been one of the biggest problems for me. He is also a big liar and it is very hard for me to trust him because of this. He admits being a hard person to live with, but I had put up with it because I love him and wanted to make this work. He told me that he is miserable and he knows I am miserable and that he doesn't want to waste any more of our time, so it is best for us to get a divorce. He doesn't want to try counseling. On a moment of denial and weakness I asked him to consider a separation before going for a divorce and he said that he will try it for me, but that he doesn't think we are fixable and he'd hate to prolong this...I was a little relieved but then he said that he wanted to date and sleep around during the separation, which just crushed me. He says he wants to know if he still can attract somebody new..... We are each others first sexual partner and the idea of that going away just kills me.... I told him that I was not going to be able to take him back after he slept around and that if that was what he wanted then we just should get a divorce... He agreed... 

Now the other thing is that we live in the house he grew up. his parents gave him the house and we just recently remodeled. He wants me to find a place.... My first reaction was to get the heck out of the house, but then his parents and my mother told me I shouldn't that if he wanted to divorce then he should be the one to leave. I told him that I wansnt leaving and that if he wanted to leave me then he should leave and he started getting very aggravated and told me that this was the house he grew up in and that why should he leave his house.... I agreed to leave because it hurts to stay here and watch him go out and stay out late, he has continued his life like nothing...het told the people we hang out with and they are just fine and keep hanging out with him as if this was not happening, as if I was never a part of the group. I had been staying quiet, but last night I just couldn't take him coming home at 2 am, when he was always falling asleep by 9 am when we went out....when I confronted him he said I had no right to be mad, that we are not together anymore and that I have no say..... He started drinking a lot these last three weeks and going out and staying out really late... I don't know how he can just change like this. He has shown no emotion about the whole divorce situation. I am starting to believe that all these years mean nothing to him, I have so many different emotions running through me....I feel mad, sad, frustrated and so many other ways... I feel like half of me is dying...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, I'm not saying he's already started "dating" other women (aka cheating on you), but his actions are very much that of a cheater. Enough that you should proceed with that assumption. 

Start taking the steps to divorce him. Don't wait for him to set the schedule. And don't have unprotected sex with him. If he's hanging out with bar skanks, you don't need any of that. 

C


----------



## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

We are sleeping in separate beds since the first night he told me he wanted a divorce and have not had sex in almost 2 months. It's all hard to process because he never used to do these things before....it's like he is a different person.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He is having an affair. You are now his "Plan B."

Divorce him.

Lucky for you, his parents seem to be in YOUR corner. Milk that for all it is worth.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you ever checked his phone records?

C


----------



## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have you ever checked his phone records?
> 
> C


Him having someone was the first thing I assumed. I have checked, but I didn't find anything out of the ordinary. I did find out that he tried to hook up with people when he was away for work about two months ago. He responded to some casual encounter adds on craigslist....

When I confronted him, he said he tried but no one responded. He said that he would have probably gone through with it if someone had. He said this is when he knew he was done with us, because he didn't want to be the cheating kind....


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lonely32 said:


> He responded to some casual encounter adds on craigslist....
> 
> When I confronted him, *he said he tried but no one responded.* He said that he would have probably gone through with it if someone had.


Well of course he said this (no one responded). Do you really think he would admit it? 

This is a lie. He is cheating on you. Time to toss this one back.


----------



## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lonely32 said:


> I have been with my husband for 14 years. We have been married for 10 years. 3 weeks ago he said he wanted a divorce./ ...He says he wants to know if he still can attract somebody new.....He started drinking a lot these last three weeks and going out and staying out really late... I don't know how he can just change like this.


I am sorry that you are going through this. Although some will suspect infidelity and urge divorce, it sounds to me like he is going through a midlife crisis. You might consider weathering the storm, placing the burden of divorce entirely on his shoulders, and see he reconsiders. Staying in your home is one way to do this.

Of course, if he starts "dating" other women then that is a different matter entirely. You should be clear with him that this is your red line even if he pretends not to care at the moment.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Lonely32

I can tell from what you've described in your initial post that your husband is already having an affair. 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it is what it is.

Get a lawyer asap and try to wrap your mind and heart around this new revelation. 

DO NOT confront him about it yet, just play dumb. Meanwhile listen to the advise you'll soon get here. Good luck. 

Even though you do not realize it yet, your husband is your opponent, not your ally. With this reality in mind you must realize that you should never telegraph your strategy to your opponent. Good luck.


----------



## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

I just can believe he can lie to my face like this! I dont understand how people do that, im a terrible liar.... I think I know who he might be cheating with...she is his assistant and I found a bunch of texts after work. They'd text for hours back and forth...I am so tempted to text her and tell her I know. I hate that he can't admit it even now that we are getting a divorce....it makes me wonder how many other things he lied about.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lawyer up!

Get everything your entitled to. Move back into the house if you left. That's now his fun house to be living the fantasy of "got it together single guy", where he can safely bring his ladies home to.

I think you made it too easy for him.

If you really want to crash hs fantasy, tell his company about his relationship. Managers doing thier direct reports is an obvious legal complication companies really really really don't like doing lawsuit paperwork over.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

lonely32 said:


> I just can believe he can lie to my face like this! I dont understand how people do that, im a terrible liar.... I think I know who he might be cheating with...she is his assistant and I found a bunch of texts after work. They'd text for hours back and forth...I am so tempted to text her and tell her I know. I hate that he can't admit it even now that we are getting a divorce....it makes me wonder how many other things he lied about.


Please re read my previous post. Do not text her. Do not reveal what you know. Take a deep breath and get your head together.

Request a moderator to relocate your thread to the coping with infidelity forum so you can get more and better advise.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Big choice to make. If this does turn out to be an affair (which seems likely), would you want to attempt to reconcile? 

If yes, then you need subvert the affair. Would reporting him at work cause one or both to lose their jobs? Is she married? Her husband would be a powerful ally if you can identify him and get contact info. Getting him fired would be a powerful way to break the fog.

If no, leave it be. document evidence and file on grounds. He may get the house, but you can make him buy you out of your contribution to the cost of renovating. And don't move out until your lawyer gives you the all clear. It may hurt your chance for alimony.


----------



## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

Thank you for all your advice. Im still full of different emotions. I am leaving out of town for work for a month and after that I am moving out... it just sucks to know I wasted 15 years of my life (almost half my life)with such a heartless bastard who has shown no emotion through this difficult time. Im better off on my own.....


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don't know if it's been said yet, so I'll say it...

It may not matter that the house belonged to his parents, that he grew up in it, or that they gave it to him (presumably they gave it to the BOTH of you, right??!) because it's the marital home. Additionally, if it was recently remodeled, then it was done w/ marital assets. In other words, it's as much your home as it is his, and you have as much legal right to it as he does. Don't just "give" it to him. If he wants it, then he should take out a loan against half the value of the home and hand that cash to you. If he can't afford to do that, the home needs to sold, and then the two of you can split the equity. TALK TO A LAWYER ABOUT THIS ASAP!!!

And I agree w/ the others in that he'd very likely already started sleeping around before telling you that he wanted to divorce.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

The exact details of what Gus has said may vary somewhat depending upon the jurisdiction you live in and the underlying facts *BUT he is 100% spot on in principle *and you need to talk to someone (lawyer) whose business it is to defend your interests.

And like fire extinguishers, lawyers are better to have in hand before the fire gets out of control.


----------



## HouseHusband66 (Sep 19, 2014)

It is easy to give advice to leave him and divorce him. It is hard to give up all that you have had . If he is not willing to work things out then there is not much more you can do for the marriage . If separation is out of the picture then hopefully he will come around before the divorce is final . Infidelity hurts but it can be forgiven . I know I have forgiven my wife for it. Because I love her so much is why. He may be going through something temporarily. For me personally going to church helps with the support they offer helps me a great deal with the hurt.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In his defense, he didn't ask for a separation. He asked for a divorce. He made it clear what he wanted and he made it clear that he didn't believe a separation would change things. Elsewhere on this forum, most folks have said that before someone committed adultery, they should leave the marriage. That IS what he tried to do. The OP talked him into a separation. He gave her no reason to believe he wanted to continue the marriage or that he intended to be faithful. He even told her he intended to date around. If that was an unacceptable arrangement, then a divorce was in order, not a separation. A separation makes sense if it involves some component of repairing the marriage, counseling, etc.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

whose name is the house in? I doubt you want to take his childhood 

home away but if you contributed to repairs, upkeep...yes he should 

compensate you. About the CL ads he solicited...get tested ASAP. What

you uncovered may be a tip of the iceberg. Granted he was blunt about

wanting a D. Blunt about wanting to date. Tell him if he doesn't have

the balls to serve you D papers, he may need to keep them zipped until then.

It he does not file, you may have to. If no kids and can agree on 

everything...DIY div. I did it....$184.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Lonely, has his erratic behavior started just recently....meaning he may been a hard person to live with but that was a baseline but has his change in behavior something everyone is seeing or is it just towards you ?


----------

