# Newly Wed



## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

I just joined this thread because I am having some issues with my marriage. We just got married 2 months ago, and it has been miserable. I have had 3 knee surgeries in the past 6 months, and that has been very difficult. We are both active duty, which is also stressful. We just are having trouble getting along. During the surgeries I found that I became much more obsessed about cleanliness because I was at home so often. We are constantly arguing about cleaning, finances, and responsiblities. Is this normal behavior for the start of a marriage?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well...yeah.

But maybe not. Depends on the severity. At the risk of prying, how is your sex life? Because a lot of arguments aren't about what the argument is about.


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

It is ok....

He is frustrated because he cannot get me to climax, but we have sex usually every night. I try to mix things up, but it is hard with a giant knee brace and crutches, as you can imagine! I voiced a few weeks ago that we needed to increase our sex life to reduce the amount of arguments, but it hasn't really happened. (This is mostly my fault though).


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, well, that's a start. Can you climax on your own? (sorry to be so personal, but this is an anonymous forum)


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Well there is stress like injuries etc involved. And it's the first year of your marriage(trust me I could tell you about the first year of my marriage and you would be thankful that thats all you have) Sometimes it takes a little while to get on the same page. work on your communication..it's key dear


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

Do you have any helpful communication tools? I apologize for being so needy, I just want this to work but I feel so overwhelmed.


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

I can climax on my own, and I have tried to guide him but it never works very well.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi Navygirl,
you are looking for some communication tools, and I find myself curious to know how you guys are communicating. So just as-if you could picture yourself the last time an argument happened, how would you describe it to me? How were you interacting, feeling? What was your main reaction?


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Btw pm me if you would like. My husband and I are dual military as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I had a good friend tell me "anyone who tells you their first year of marriage was easy is lying, no matter how perfect their relationship seems." I think it's definitely true. It's hard figuring out how to co-exist with someone. I second the communication vote, though I know that in itself can be so hard and frustrating. I think the most important things you can do when communicating is 1) ask instead of assuming, and 2) making I statements not you statements.

So instead of saying "you never listen" or "you always try to change the subject" or any other never or always statement that we all make but are never 100% true, say "I feel like _____. When you do [a specific, measurable observable behavior, like "continue to look at the tv when I'm talking to you" or "don't take the trash out when I've asked you twice"] it hurts/upsets/annoys me. I was hoping you could help me understand things from your point of view."

I think it's really easy to get caught up in feeling hurt or attacked and often both parties feel that way when neither was intentionally being hurtful (at least at the start, by the end it's often another story). Try assuming the best. If you don't know, ask. If you're sure you do know, maybe ask anyways. 

And finally, and perhaps this should have gone first, always praise. Everyone needs compliments. Say "I know we're struggling but I still love that you make time to ____" or "it really meant a lot to me when you _____, thank you". Work from a strengths perspective not a deficit based attitude. Ask him how he feels your current situation is and then what he feels like would need to happen for him to feel it's improving. 

Hope that helps.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Do you think you could be coming off of your emotional high? I know when my husband and I were dating we were stationed in different places and when we would visit each other we would be joined at the hip and always so focused on each other and just taking in any time together we had.... that sort of dating went on for a year before we got married. When he finally moved (colocated) 7 months later it was a RUDE awakening for me.....Here read this.

3 Stages of Love in Relationships: Romantic Feelings, Physical Attraction, and Emotional Attachment | Suite101.com


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

You all are so wonderful!

Growtogether, our last argument (like all our arguments) starts with a discussion which quickly escalates into him raising his voice and me retracting and staying silent. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and I still get overwhelmed by fear when a man raises his voice at me. We went to pre-marrital counseling and learned the time out tool, so we have been trying to use that, but its not always successful. I feel that I just end up agreeing to whatever he says to end the argument and end the fight holding on to alot of fear, anger, resentment, and depression. Now I completely avoid having any serious discussion with him, which I know is not healthy!!!

scully, I think that we are completely off of the emotional high. For our first year he was in and out of port, so we just enjoyed every second that we had together. Then he returned and got shore duty orders. We started living together and I had knee surgery a week after that. We are both very independent people and it was very difficult for me to rely on him for help during the surgery. We are learning how to live with each other, and it has been a very RUDE awakening.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Navygirl said:


> You all are so wonderful!
> 
> Growtogether, our last argument (like all our arguments) starts with a discussion which quickly escalates into him raising his voice and me retracting and staying silent. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and I still get overwhelmed by fear when a man raises his voice at me. We went to pre-marrital counseling and learned the time out tool, so we have been trying to use that, but its not always successful. I feel that I just end up agreeing to whatever he says to end the argument and end the fight holding on to alot of fear, anger, resentment, and depression. Now I completely avoid having any serious discussion with him, which I know is not healthy!!!
> 
> scully, I think that we are completely off of the emotional high. For our first year he was in and out of port, so we just enjoyed every second that we had together. Then he returned and got shore duty orders. We started living together and I had knee surgery a week after that. We are both very independent people and it was very difficult for me to rely on him for help during the surgery. We are learning how to live with each other, and it has been a very RUDE awakening.


honestly it is natural to an extent hunny but honestly please don't revert, it will cause a lot of issues. We tried time out but he would get mad and call me pretty mean names...Sometimes that is a person inability to communication effectively they get frustrated and resort to child like behaviors. The whole time when I thought my hubby and I were on the same page he was really just not speaking up and just staying silent. Have you tried to lovingly tell him that he is raising his voice I know I get defensive naturally and my voice does take on a different pitch that half the time I am unaware of.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Not at all saying your wrong but is there something that you say or do that maybe you dont know that causes him to get frustrated. I know with me I would ask a question again because I didn't understand the answer instead of properly articulating I needed it explain and my husband thought I was just not listening and probing like I didn't trust his answer which was totally opposite of how I felt. 
Communication can be so tricky. My husband and I were where you guys were last year and it got pretty brutal (if you want to talk privately I could share my story with you) but it does get better with some understanding, patience and love.
And from another independant woman who was a single mom before I got married I know how hard it is to ask for help.. I also had to learn that verbalizing my appreciation for my husbands help went a long way. I just assumed he knew by how I acted but sometimes men need it SPELLED OUT


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

Scully, we have talked about our communication styles and we are trying to work on them, but it is difficult to change something that you have been doing your whole life. He escalates, I retract. Neither style is correct. I just hate conflict all together. I know that arguing is apart of a relationship, it just seems to be happening so often. How did you and your husband get over it?

He has been deployed for the past 8 years on and off, and he has a 9 year old son. He hasn't been around much as a father because of his deployment schedule so currently we have his son for 7 weeks, which is the longest they have been around each other in that time. He gets so frustrated over everything his son does as well. I am sure that it can be overwhelming to become a father and a husband in a matter of a couple months, especially when you are used to being on a boat with a bunch of men. I am really trying to put myself in his shoes but it is difficult when I feel like I can't even express my feelings without being full of fear.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Whoa--no one "causes" another person to yell or do anything inappropriate. It is a lack of self-control, not what the other person does. 

If both of you accepts complete responsibility for his/her actions, you are in a good place to move forward. If not, then you each need to learn to understand-truly understand-that EVERYTHING you do is your choice, no matter what the other has said/done. 

Start there if you need to. It will help solve a LOT of problems before they start.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I want it to be known that I never ment that she deserved to be yelled at or that anything she did causes him to yell. I totally agree Sisters359 I just mean that sometimes someone can get angry on something they might be reading wrong. this doesn't give them the right to react the way they do..

Navy: I'm going to send you a private message.


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

I feel like everyone expresses their feelings and emotions in different ways. In a good marriage you learn to communicate so that there is no fear and so that you are prepared to call a time out before things are said that will be regretted. I truely hope that this difficult time with strengthen our marriage. Neither of us has done or said anything that is emotionally or physically abusive (YET) and I hope we never have to face that. I just never thought that getting married would change things so much. When things get hard, I have a tendancy to run. I don't want to run from this, but I also don't know how to work through it.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

What about taking the time to set some communication rules? No yelling, always let the other finish what he/she wants to say, blablabla.... If you guys take the time to right all your rules (not too much, less than 5 I would say) it would be more easy for both of you to notice when you don't respect your rules. 
It seems like to need more room to express yourself than your husband, and those rules will help you stand up for yourself.


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

That is a really good idea. The only ones we have right now are no use of the word divorce or separation, and the time out rule. I just have a really difficult time speaking what I am feeling. I can write it down in a letter form but actually telling him, not so much.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Maybe when things get heated you should both go to separate rooms and write your thoughts/issues on paper and then when you have calmed down discuss together the issues written down?


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Time out rule, no use of the words '' separation or divorce''....
What else would you like to see on this list?


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

No yelling or saying hurtful things. On the other side though, I know that if I want him to not yell, I cannot retract and stay silent either. That is something that I really need to work on though.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Those rule are for both of you so you guys need to sit together and talk about it. You can even start before and show him what you have in mind and see what he would like to add. Then, this list will always be in your mind in time of communication, and you can help each other to remember a rule when you don't respect it. If, for example, your husband still yells at you even if you told him that he is yelling, you can stop the communication until he decides to mellow down.


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