# Lingering Resentment



## proudwidaddy

It's been a year since my ex wife dropped the "I love you but not in love with you bombshell" on 12/12/11. Christmas was (up to that point) my favorite time of the year. I've been divorced since June 19th of this year.

I've gone through the whole year of all the firsts, the holidays, kids birthdays, etc. 

I still find I have lingering resentment that I can't get rid of. I can't forgive my ex, or stop associating this time of the year with what she did. She knew I loved Christmas but she couldn't even wait until after the holidays to break up the family.

I've dated a couple different women this past year, been dating a wonderful woman the last three weeks.

I don't miss my ex as a spouse, but I still miss the family functions, the togetherness we had.

How do I get over the lingering resentment, how do I stop associating Christmas with what she did to me?


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## rep

I hear ya. All too much. Its been over 2 years for me and I still fall to my knees and cry at times. An older guy that has been through a divorce, said," Time heals all wounds". I have to remeber that but it doesnt help except I beleive in the saying and must trust that someday, the pain and resentment WILL go away. The nights are the tuffest, wow they suck. I used to come home and my kids waited up at the kitchen island just to hug me before bed. My ex was there waiting and the house was warm. I go home from worjk and the house is dark and cold. For the first 3 months, I would just sit in the truck and not want to go in!!!! I cried a ton. Its a litter better but I have my moments. What I hate is that when it hits you,,, you can be at work and its almost impossible to stop. I just cry and walk to the bathroom. I hope this time thing is true bro!!


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## Dedicated2Her

proudwidaddy said:


> It's been a year since my ex wife dropped the "I love you but not in love with you bombshell" on 12/12/11. Christmas was (up to that point) my favorite time of the year. I've been divorced since June 19th of this year.
> 
> I've gone through the whole year of all the firsts, the holidays, kids birthdays, etc.
> 
> I still find I have lingering resentment that I can't get rid of. I can't forgive my ex, or stop associating this time of the year with what she did. She knew I loved Christmas but she couldn't even wait until after the holidays to break up the family.
> 
> I've dated a couple different women this past year, been dating a wonderful woman the last three weeks.
> 
> I don't miss my ex as a spouse, but I still miss the family functions, the togetherness we had.
> 
> How do I get over the lingering resentment, how do I stop associating Christmas with what she did to me?


You have to stop associating her actions as "what she did to me". Understand that she is a broken person with her own set of issues. Let me ask you this: how much personal growth have you had because of this? Focus on the positives and thank her for this. Once you become grateful, that will sweep away the left over resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rep

Dedicated2Her said:


> You have to stop associating her actions as "what she did to me". Understand that she is a broken person with her own set of issues. Let me ask you this: how much personal growth have you had because of this? Focus on the positives and thank her for this. *Once you become grateful,* that will sweep away the left over resentment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont understand that comment. Theres really nothing to be thankful for. Some people (the other half) was happy. The kids were happy. Just bc one person goes nuts due to mid-life crisis or whatever made them think the grass is greener does not mean that any part of this is positive. Life will suck bigtime for a while,, time will hopefully heal but there will be a scar just like surgery. A permanent scar. He will be happy again but greiving is normal.


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## Dedicated2Her

rep said:


> I dont understand that comment. Theres really nothing to be thankful for. Some people (the other half) was happy. The kids were happy. Just bc one person goes nuts due to mid-life crisis or whatever made them think the grass is greener does not mean that any part of this is positive. Life will suck bigtime for a while,, time will hopefully heal but there will be a scar just like surgery. A permanent scar. He will be happy again but greiving is normal.


And have you done nothing to improve yourself through this process? There is always something to be grateful for, and that, my friend, is why you have lingering resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland

It sounds corny but *time *will help. Maybe just resign yourself to this Christmas being a bit average but don't let it take over your thoughts.

Next year will be a new one and I hope a great one for you. By next Christmas life will be much better and you can start to create new customs and memories for the Holiday season. This feeling you have now will disappear over time or at least it will lessen.


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## Paradise

I'm not sure the resentment will ever completely go away. Now, recovering from it doesn't take long anymore, however, and will continue to lessen with time. 

As for Christmas....I'll admit I've become a little bit of a scrooge over holidays. I do my part to put on a good face for my daughter and to do the best I can to make it special for her but so much has changed for myself and what I really believe. I'm probably not one to listen to for advice on this as I've kind of just buried myself into work this year when I don't have my girl.


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## stillhoping

My ex made the declaration 2 days before Christmas, almost 2 years ago now. I am not sure its resentment, it certainly is sadness. I am alternatively sad and angry. We used to have awesome Christmas'. We had all kinds of traditions, decorating the tree, going to the farm to pick it up. The outside of our house always looked awesome, we baked cookies and sometimes forgot to put out gifts we hid. And you know what, my kids and I still do all that. He is out, living life on his own. Both kids will be here with their girlfriends on Christmas morning, I have a tree that looks and smells great. I did cry putting it up and getting all the decorations together. I cry while I am out shopping. And I continue to miss sharing all this with him. But more than resentment, this year I feel the gratitude that goes with having been a great Mom and good wife, knowing that I get to reap all the rewards from that. Hang in, time does make this easier to handle


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## EnjoliWoman

Do you really think it would have been better had she waited? Then you would have known you were living a lie and the happiness at the holidays was false.

Maybe you can turn around your viewpoint by seeing the holidays as more of an awakening - of finding truth. The prelude to the new beginnings of the New Year. 

Meanwhile, you can continue your traditions on a scale and timetable that works with your new arrangement or create a new one. I don't have my daughter for Christmas but since we have to meet her Dad at 10pm on Christmas Eve, our new tradition is to drive around and look at Christmas lights until it's time to meet him.

So take mental possession of the happiness that is yours. Instead of focusing on what you liked and miss of the old life, focus on what you can do to enjoy the new life.


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## Shooboomafoo

Im starting to like learning to do things in a new way. I sure do miss the family-cohesion, but thats gone anyways. 
Thing is, on Christmas this year, my kid will be with my ex. I will have her the day before, so no biggie, and I plan on spiking my Christmas coffee, and a whole lot more that day.. in my pajamas, something on the grill..


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## EnjoliWoman

Shooboomafoo said:


> Im starting to like learning to do things in a new way. I sure do miss the family-cohesion, but thats gone anyways.
> Thing is, on Christmas this year, my kid will be with my ex. I will have her the day before, so no biggie, and I plan on spiking my Christmas coffee, and a whole lot more that day.. in my pajamas, something on the grill..


Ditto - except it will be mimosas or Irish coffee with girlfriends. And I'll get dressed.


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## Dollystanford

Ah my dear Proud - you have to create new memories, ones that don't involve her. I can't wait to do it, first Xmas 'alone' for 13 years and I can do things my way

Then the old memories will start to fade and be replaced. Create some new traditions with your kids, start drinking early and it will all be over before you know it


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## proudwidaddy

@Dolly & All the others,
I guess it's tough because as much as I try not to I'm still stuck in the her life seems so perfect now, she has been dating someone since three months before our divorce, she has the house. I have to be reminded of how great her life is when I pick the kid up there Sunday night. She works the traditional Monday through Friday.

Me, I work retail, never have weekends off, if I'm lucky maybe one weekend off every few months, I am constantly working until 7 or 8pm at night, makes it tough to have a normal life. The days I do have off I have my children (which I absolutely love) but no time to really do much with the ladies. I can't switch jobs because I can't afford to make less with how much I have to pay out in child support.

She once told me she doesn't understand why I'm struggling so much with money because she is living comfortably (I had to bite my tongue from saying of course you are living comfortably, you get your income plus 25% of mine) and I have my kids three nights a week.

It's the fairness I struggle with. Just a little over a year ago life seemed great, now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 35 and I don't know if I'll ever own a house again, I may always have to live with someone just to make it. I work 50-55 hours a week to barely make it.

Someone tell me when the Karma train helps me out? I didn't want the divorce, I wanted to stay and fight....she bails on our marriage, our family and her life now seems better and it's all she wants.

Sorry I'm just REALLY struggling right now.


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## Paradise

One thing I really do not understand is why it always appears one ex spouse always struggles to survive financially and the other lives so comfortable. And, it seems like the one who left is usually the one living the "good" life. I read it over and over again on here. Seems like our courts would have figured this all out by now. Notice, I'm not saying this is even gender specific even though I'm a male but my ex has a new house, a new car, new hair, nails, etc every month and I'm having to really crunch numbers every month to save a little. I just don't understand this at all. 

The bad thing is, I got a really good settlement in my divorce. It could have been a whole lot worst. 

I know every situation is different and my ex immediately moved in with POSOM and is using his salary to pay for a lot of things but it still sucks. She's the one who had the darn affair. 

I read your story, Proud, and I'm seeing exactly the same thing going on in my life. Doesn't make much sense.


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## proudwidaddy

I just had a customer stop in the store I work at, asked me if my ex was so and so. I said yes. Well small world she lives next door to my ex wife's boyfriend. She recognized my kids from the pictures I've showed her. She said I have such cute kids, and keep my head up divorce is tough; she then said you never know what can happen can lose a spouse to a car accident.

I hate this analogy! If I lost my girlfriend/wife to a car accident, I know it was an accident but not that they wanted to leave me, that I was no longer good enough for them, etc.

Divorce hurts more I think because the person is still around, they chose to leave you, that you don't matter to them anymore, that what you once shared is no important anymore.


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## Paradise

Yes, a tough pill to swallow. If I remember right reading your earlier posts you sounded a lot like I did immediately following my divorce. I got knocked down and I was hell-bent on making sure that I got up immediately and dusted myself off and was going to show the world....Well, reality hit and then I had to take some time to myself to figure this new life out. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer. I am more content now....Not satisfied but ok with where my life is at now. 

I know the feeling of thinking that you will never own another home. I'm still fighting my way out of debt, too. It's gonna be awhile. Funny thing is I really don't need anything fancy. I just want my own yard and to find a piece of crap fixer-upper. I want my garden. At least I have a nice greenhouse hooked up to my classroom here at the school. 

Proud, it may seem like you are back-tracking right now, but if you are like me, and it sounds like you are, then you are actually just now finally moving forward.


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## Dollystanford

Proud, it's natural you'll have a wobble every now and again, but you need to stop focusing on how 'fabby' her life is and what she's doing. She's only showing what she wants to show. 

My ex is living with another woman (most likely OW) who he has described as his 'soulmate', started a new job, etc. But I know, because he finds it hard to hide his feelings even now, that everything isn't rosy. I mean he had the cheek to text me and tell me how much they argue and how he doesn't know if he can put up with it and then the next week he's all loved up again. I just ignore it - my life and D's life are the only things that matter now. It's still not been a long time for you in the big scheme of things, just take each day at a time. Focus on your kids and your new girlfriend - remember, grab life by the balls and squeeze!


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## Dollystanford

ps why bite your tongue? Tell her exactly that, that you'd be living comfortably if you had 25% of her income on top of yours
No reason to be treading on eggshells around her now


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## Leading Man

I've been reading a lot of your posts ProudWIDaddy and it looks like I will be going through a lot of what you are in the near future. Like you, I don't want this divorce, but if my spouse is determined, I can't stop it. If you have any advise for me check out my post in Considering Divorce " No More Mr. Doormat." Thanks in advance.


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## keko

proudwidaddy said:


> She once told me she doesn't understand why I'm struggling so much with money because she is living comfortably (I had to bite my tongue from saying of course you are living comfortably, you get your income plus 25% of mine) and I have my kids three nights a week.


I'm hoping you didn't get stuck with a lifetime alimony, did you?


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## proudwidaddy

Nope...I'm happy to support my children. I'll be done with those payments in 13 years.


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## zillard

rep said:


> I dont understand that comment. Theres really nothing to be thankful for. Some people (the other half) was happy. The kids were happy. Just bc one person goes nuts due to mid-life crisis or whatever made them think the grass is greener does not mean that any part of this is positive. Life will suck bigtime for a while,, time will hopefully heal but there will be a scar just like surgery. A permanent scar. He will be happy again but greiving is normal.


I just wrote this in another thread. There will be something to be thankful for... if you learn and grow from this. 

"I can do better. I can feel what I had with her with someone else - and now I know how to pick better. I know how to keep it healthy. I know the next one can be longer and more fulfilling than the last. Because I'm growing. So in a way, she did me a favor."


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## Thundarr

proudwidaddy said:


> It's been a year since my ex wife dropped the "I love you but not in love with you bombshell" on 12/12/11. Christmas was (up to that point) my favorite time of the year. I've been divorced since June 19th of this year.
> 
> I've gone through the whole year of all the firsts, the holidays, kids birthdays, etc.
> 
> I still find I have lingering resentment that I can't get rid of. I can't forgive my ex, or stop associating this time of the year with what she did. She knew I loved Christmas but she couldn't even wait until after the holidays to break up the family.
> 
> I've dated a couple different women this past year, been dating a wonderful woman the last three weeks.
> 
> I don't miss my ex as a spouse, but I still miss the family functions, the togetherness we had.
> 
> How do I get over the lingering resentment, how do I stop associating Christmas with what she did to me?


It's normal and especially this time of year when family is so important but their's nothing wrong with resentment so long as it's in check and doesn't affect your health. Who wouldn't be angry. I resented my ex but at the same time I knew she was not my problem any more. We had kids and were amacle and unified in parenting but that's what I did for my kids without hesitation.


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## zillard

As far as resentment, grief and time I can tell you this - I've experienced a lot of loss in my life. A lot of death in my family. You are correct that A and D can be worse than grieving the death of a loved one because there is no choice and betrayal involved. Absolutely true.

But what I've learned about grief is that it is much like acclimating to a new climate. Moving from somewhere very cold to somewhere very hot they tell you that your body will adjust. It really doesn't. It's still hot as hell outside. But as time goes by you simply learn to stop complaining about it. You no longer let it ruin your day. You accept it for what it is. And you do what needs to be done regardless of how it makes you sweat. And before long the heat just becomes a part of the environment - just like the horizon and the smell in the air.


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## BeachGuy

proudwidaddy said:


> It's been a year since my ex wife dropped the "I love you but not in love with you bombshell" on 12/12/11. Christmas was (up to that point) my favorite time of the year. I've been divorced since June 19th of this year.
> 
> I've gone through the whole year of all the firsts, the holidays, kids birthdays, etc.
> 
> I still find I have lingering resentment that I can't get rid of. I can't forgive my ex, or stop associating this time of the year with what she did. She knew I loved Christmas but she couldn't even wait until after the holidays to break up the family.
> 
> I've dated a couple different women this past year, been dating a wonderful woman the last three weeks. I don't miss my ex as a spouse, but I still miss the family functions, the togetherness we had.
> 
> How do I get over the lingering resentment, how do I stop associating Christmas with what she did to me?


I can so relate. Except in my case it's going to be self-inflicted, as I'm the one that wants the divorce. And after being separated twice, I know all too well about coming home to a quiet, dark, cold house as opposed to a lively, noise-filled home with my kids in it. It sucks. It really does.

You can certainly work on yourself and all that like others said. But that doesn't do anything to help adjust to not living with your kids. I guess that's just one of those things you have to leave to "time".

I have much bitterness towards my stbx for not holding up her end of the marriage. And she's going to come out smelling like a rose. She'll have everything she has now except me. Which she'll probably come to enjoy. After years of fence-sitting, I still can't decide if divorcing is the best thing to do.

I've never figured out how to let go of the anger. Yet.


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## jpr

Merry Christmas, Proud. I hope you are doing ok. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Dollystanford said:


> Ah my dear Proud - you have to create new memories, ones that don't involve her. I can't wait to do it, first Xmas 'alone' for 13 years and I can do things my way
> 
> Then the old memories will start to fade and be replaced. Create some new traditions with your kids, start drinking early and it will all be over before you know it


Christmas is an interesting time for me. My STBXH proposed to me on Christmas Eve. We had a "reconciliation" when we were on the verge of divorce in 2008 that was supposed to "fix" our marriage. A new beginning, right? Wrong. I wish we'd gotten divorced instead.

We had a good year or so but by 2010 we were separated, my life was shattered and I was packing up all our stuff and moving to a new apartment but in the end it turned out to be better! The move was good for us all and for the next 2 years my H and I were separated there was a lot of pain and anger but a lot of growing too. I became a stronger, better person because of it. 

Christmas 2012: Two weeks ago I came to the decision that I wanted to divorce. I finally accepted the fact that my alcoholic husband was never going to change and I wanted out. You can't change someone else, you can only change the circumstances that YOU are living under.

I've had a great Christmas with my kids but it's because I didn't dwell on what I had before or wished I could have, I took what I had and decided to have a damn good time. 

This past weekend I shopped all by myself for my kids. In years before I did this with my husband. I could've been depressed about it but I enjoyed it. I got to spend the money I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted. 

On Christmas Eve my H and I used to wrap gifts and then have lobster. I did this as well by myself. I wrapped gifts sipping on wine, listening to tunes on the Ipod and then hung out with my kids downstairs and munched on lobster and cannoli. Not a bad way to spend a night! Killed my diet but it sure was tasty! 

Or..I could've dwelled on what I didn't have compared to years past. The past is real, but it's over too. You can't bring it back, you can only look ahead and be thankful for what you have now and plan for what you are going to do and have later. 

And be grateful that there will be a later.


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## Freak On a Leash

Paradise said:


> One thing I really do not understand is why it always appears one ex spouse always struggles to survive financially and the other lives so comfortable. And, it seems like the one who left is usually the one living the "good" life.


Right now my H is the one living the "good life". He inherited money, hasn't worked in 2 years and told me he couldn't take care of our son anymore and refused to give me a dime in support. On top of that he took my son's computer from him, took back my daughter's car and refused to the family's health insurance. 

So here I am with both kids. I had to buy my son new clothes because my husband had him wearing hand-me-downs from his dead father, I'm paying twice as much in food and utility bills, have to pay my son's orthodontist bills, bought all the Christmas presents, my son a new computer, am helping my daughter buy a new car and have to shell out for the health insurance. He just sits and drinks and does nothing..for now. 

But I'm just now filing for divorce. He says he wants 50/50 custody because "I'm not giving you any money" but we'll see what a judge thinks if a man who drinks a quart of rum a day and sorely neglected his son when he did have him will agree with that rationale. 

I'm not looking for alimony but I'm damn well going to get support to feed and clothe my kids and for their medical expenses. I just want what is fair and I don't want to be in a position where I'm running myself into debt in order to take care of my kids. Why should I be working 50 hours a week and paying for it all while this bum cries about how "depressed" he is, drinks himself to death and gets away with paying nothing? 

Not to mention that he claims he's living off credit cards and plunging himself deeper into debt because he "claims" that all his inherited money is "gone". But he still wants to keep his 22 foot fishing boat. :slap: 

I'm the one who wants out and believe me, I'm not the one living the good life. In the end I want to do good by my kids and live a simple life someplace once they are on their own. I don't want or need a fancy house or car. I'm happy in an apartment with my 8 year old Jeep. As long as I can go kayaking, hiking and skiing once in awhile I'm good. 

But most of all I want him out of my life and to do good by my kids.


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