# Bored (



## nocam7 (9 mo ago)

I think we are both bored. I know I am and my mind races when I see another attractive woman. She doesn’t need to be hotter than my wife just interesting.
I think I’ve lost the will to try with my wife. She is probably bored with me. Sexually she has always been a snooze. She used to try and do new things but once a month is fine by her. She enjoys it but has never had an orgasm in her life. I kinda don’t want to try anymore licking, flicking, dirty talk, pounding and the novelty of something new is a big turn on.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

nocam7 said:


> I think we are both bored. I know I am and my mind races when I see another attractive woman. She doesn’t need to be hotter than my wife just interesting.
> I think I’ve lost the will to try with my wife. She is probably bored with me. Sexually she has always been a snooze. She used to try and do new things but once a month is fine by her. She enjoys it but has never had an orgasm in her life. I kinda don’t want to try anymore licking, flicking, dirty talk, pounding and the novelty of something new is a big turn on.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sounds like you've already given up. Cheating isn't the answer. Either go in 110% to fix the situation or cut your losses and divorce.


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## nocam7 (9 mo ago)

I’ve doubled down several times. She doesn’t try and probably thinks it’ll go away. No one said infidelity was gonna happen pardner. I don’t think this constitutes a divorce. 

Who has been in and came out of this situation?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

There are a couple members here that have turned around a dead bedroom, but it is rare. @Young at Heart and @ccpowerslave are two that come to mind. 

I only mentioned cheating because it seems your mind has wandered there. I'm glad to here that this isn't what you were thinking of doing. 

Have you read a book called "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay? If not it is a good read for situations similar to what you are dealing with. 

What are your ideas of "something new" and have you talked to your wife about all this?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

You gotta work at it. Don’t give up. We were twice a month five years ago. Now? twice a week. Ages 63 and 62


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

On the flip side ….. boring people attract boring people.

What do you see in the mirror? Do you see a man that can fire up some sex ?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

nocam7 said:


> Sexually she has always been a snooze.


So you have always expected her to change?

I turned my situation around, but it started out very good, and then went away, so I brought it back to what it was.

If you started disappointed, you'll likely end disappointed.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

nocam7 said:


> *I think we are both bored*. I know I am and my mind races when I see another attractive woman. She doesn’t need to be hotter than my wife just interesting.
> *I think I’ve lost the will to try with my wife*. She is probably bored with me. *Sexually she has always been a snooze.* She used to try and do new things but *once a month is fine by her*. She enjoys it but *has never had an orgasm in her life.* I kinda don’t want to try anymore licking, flicking, dirty talk, pounding and the novelty of something new is a big turn on.....


Wow. At around the 36 to 38 year marriage mark, my wife and I drifted into a sex starved marriage. It got so bad from my perspective, I contemplated divorce. I have taken marriage vows, but not vows of celibacy. In thinking about the situation I still loved my wife deeply, I just couldn't handle the lack of sex and her telling me that she would never have sex with me again. That is why I considered divorce. I wanted sex to deeply emotionally connect the two of us. Sex with another woman on the side, would not have provided me with the emotional connection I wanted.

I also realized that if I just divorced my wife and started dating, I would likely find myself back in another sex starved relationship again. I needed to learn from what I had done wrong in this relationship, before I could move one. And so, I started to read just about everything I could about relationships, to understand where I might have gone wrong. Then I started to change myself without pressuring my wife for sex.

My suggested reading list for you is: MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage; Glover, No More, Mr. Nice Guy; Chapman, the Five Languages of Love; David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage, Crucible, Intimacy and Desire; Gottmans, Art and Science of Love. Read and reread Glover after you have read Davis book, it will make more sense if you study it. Getting a Life is critical as is being less clingy and co-dependent.

Her never having had an orgasm is her problem and one she will need to deal with. She should try to explore her body to the point that she knows if she is capable of an orgasm and what are the things that hold her back. A sex therapist may help her with exercises on that.

Speaking of Sex Therapists, shop around for a really qualified one to help the two of you. Understand that you need to change yourself before you see a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. That will help your wife understand that change is possible. Also understand that only your wife can change herself and then only if she wants to. You can however, change the way you will allow yourself to be treated and you can provider your W with positive feedback when she does something you like.

One of the things Schnarch likes to point out is that for most married couples there is no problem with lack of communication. By the time you have been married a long time, you will be able to complete each others sentences, because you can read each others body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. Think about that. Understand that you wife knows you think that the sex with her is boring. Know that she understand you think of her sexually as a snooze and you have given up on having sex with her. Now put yourself in her shoes.....would you want to have sex with someone who feels that way about you.....especially when there will be no orgasm?

You might want to change your attitude toward your wife as well as change yourself. Affirmations or self-hypnosis are the best way I found to change myself.

Good luck to you. Oh, I was told and I think it is about right that for every year of marriage problems it probably takes a month or so of marriage counseling to work out.


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## nocam7 (9 mo ago)

Good honest feedback I’ll read the book and get back to you. I’m feeling stuck so this will help.

I’ve spoke with her about different things. It’s just it seems all for me and I want her enjoyment too. She tried before so that’ll be a good goal. I just hate that I’m having this animosity 


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Not quite your situation as my wife was hd and became ld after childbirth, recently returned to hd after twelve years due to her thinking I was going to have an affair (wrongly as it happens) so I suspect it is "fright" sex.

Imho most marriages become to complacent and families some unbalancing is required.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Familiar ffs


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

nocam7 said:


> I think we are both bored. I know I am and my mind races when I see another attractive woman. She doesn’t need to be hotter than my wife just interesting.
> I think I’ve lost the will to try with my wife. She is probably bored with me. Sexually she has always been a snooze. She used to try and do new things but once a month is fine by her. She enjoys it but has never had an orgasm in her life. I kinda don’t want to try anymore licking, flicking, dirty talk, pounding and the novelty of something new is a big turn on.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Welcome to the


nocam7 said:


> I think we are both bored. I know I am and my mind races when I see another attractive woman. She doesn’t need to be hotter than my wife just interesting.
> I think I’ve lost the will to try with my wife. She is probably bored with me. Sexually she has always been a snooze. She used to try and do new things but once a month is fine by her. She enjoys it but has never had an orgasm in her life. I kinda don’t want to try anymore licking, flicking, dirty talk, pounding and the novelty of something new is a big turn on.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Welcome to the bored spouses club.
I describe it as institutionalised domestic bliss.
This could be said as being served the same meal over a long period of time until eventually it becomes boring and we lose our appetite.
It becomes even more monotonous when one partner wants to be more open and put zest back into a marriage and the other partner will not participate in whatever he/she considers is outside their norm.
I`ve been married for 34 years and these days I`d rather go to bed with a good book.
I have tried to convince my wife that we should go for a sexy couples massage or try to be more open minded together as regards our sex lives, but she won`t have any of it.
I don`t have any ideas or solutions when faced with this situation.
Last night I watched an old movie from 1975 called the Stepford Wives, whereas the husbands in a small town called, Stepford, replaced their wives with replica robots that look like their wives but act in ways how men believe a perfect wife should be.
If only that were possible.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

nocam7 said:


> Good honest feedback I’ll read the book and get back to you. I’m feeling stuck so this will help.
> 
> I’ve spoke with her about different things. It’s just it seems all for me and I want her enjoyment too. She tried before so that’ll be a good goal. *I just hate that I’m having this animosity*


Affirmations or self-hypnosis (like the stop smoking, or loosing weight CD's or MP3's people listen to after relaxing) are a way to change your attitude. Try relaxing, close your eyes, and saying that you love your wife, that you find her sexually attractive, that you know she loves you, that you forgive her for any pain she has caused you. 

If you say it often enough it really will change your attitude.

Good luck.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you read a book called "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay? If not it is a good read for situations similar to what you are dealing with.


This book get cited enough here but I’ve read it and it got me jazzed up. However, I would offer that it’s extremely difficult to light wet firewood. Insecurity, ADHD, menopause, wanting to be mom more than wife all are things that are antithetical to sexual desire. Sure, some women secretly want to just have their men take over and take them but they also communicate through verbal and non-verbal ways they don’t want this. Communicating that Christmas decorations and your kids college app are most important means you’re not responsive to “game” from your husband. 

Ester Perel makes wives complete the following sentence: “I turn myself off by…” and the answers were illuminating for many. I argue sex for guys is like a light switch or continually on dim while for spouses is more like a circuit breaker you have to go flip. And others you have to call the power company to come out and restart your service. Shutting off power to your house means it’s not a place you’re choosing to be in on a regular basis.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

This is what happens when people in marriages get to certain and to comfortable, being uncertain makes a person at least try to bring their A game to the relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Kput said:


> This is what happens when people in marriages get to certain and to comfortable, being uncertain makes a person at least try to bring their A game to the relationship.


Unfortunately there is some truth to that. 

We've been brought that we need to make our partners feel safe and secure and to avoid anything that provokes their insecurity and anxiety. 

But the uncomfortable truth (no pun intended) is that comfort, safety, security and domestic tranguility are often what kills desire the most.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Just over two weeks ago my wife came to the conclusion that I may be susceptible to an affair since that time her sex drive has shot up. Her certainly was given a wobble.


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## nocam7 (9 mo ago)

Got through secrets of a passionate marriage. Most Everything is what I’ve tried to tell her. Get the ego out of passion and embrace something new. She will say yes but never follow up. I don’t think she had a right to unconsciously take away my sexuality and at the same time I knew she was a wet blanket but at least she was eager to please back then. I think I messed up big time plus we got kids I just don’t want to carry the weight anymore and she don’t either probably. 


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

nocam7 said:


> I’ve doubled down several times. She doesn’t try and probably thinks it’ll go away. No one said infidelity was gonna happen pardner. I don’t think this constitutes a divorce.
> 
> Who has been in and came out of this situation?
> 
> ...


How long have you been M?


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Make her understand the seriousness of your feelings.

There have to be consequences to a person's choices. 

Has she said why she is like this? Is it a physical issue? 

Are you a skilled lover, or a pump and dump guy?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

For me it was realizing “why am I forcing myself to get excited about stuff she loves but I’m not thrilled about?” She doesn’t do that. I don’t have to especially if she says (for a given situation) it’s “what we’re supposed to do.” It’s merely just confirmation bias. They agree with what their friends and mainly what media says… the expectation is that over time you upgrade your standard of living and downgrade your sex life. Like it’s the unwritten law.

So we just accept the other’s unilateral belief that you must be comfortable in their complacency but you must constantly strive to provide better for them. Sounds narcissistic to me and before someone says “but you just built a wall”… no, I set a boundary that acceptance of her excitement as joint excitement requires reciprocity.

In my case, it’s her desire for a new house, more Hallmark family ungraded lifestyle. Great, but I think our house is fine and we’re comfortable and don’t need much more. So I could control the dynamics of the purchase but I said “go for it” but I wasn’t doing the heavy lifting. And after comments about “having comebacks to all her thoughts” the ball’s in her court. Now the next thing will be hearing how I don’t care and buying a house would bring us closer with something to do but again on her terms. In the past, she’s checked out of these big projects once the ‘yes’ comes along and I’ve busted out the hard hat and got to work. Bottom line is you do have agency to decide what you think is worth upgrading and what isn’t. You can set boundaries for without boundaries there is no acknowledgement of your side of things.

WRT tension from uncertainty, I do agree some people really respond to seeing their partners have options but this is really a survival instinct short-lived once comfort is restored. It’s like a boss being offended and/or starts to bargain when they find out you’re looking at other jobs. Five minutes before they found out, they just assumed you weren’t worth any effort to be kept around. But once you’re committed again, the same complacency comes back. Excitement seekers talk and work with their partners to maintain excitement. Comfort seekers are quiet and put in the minimum in order to get back to comfort.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Make her understand the seriousness of your feelings.
> 
> There have to be consequences to a person's choices.
> 
> ...


“pump and dump” made me laugh


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## nocam7 (9 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Make her understand the seriousness of your feelings.
> 
> There have to be consequences to a person's choices.
> 
> ...


Dudes I've read watched and analyzed the female anatomy. I'm not gonna claim to be an expert but I'm licking, flicking sticking passionate but I'm done trying so hard to make this exciting and now I just avoid that disappointment
Married 15 years

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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

nocam7 said:


> Dudes I've read watched and analyzed the female anatomy. I'm not gonna claim to be an expert but I'm licking, flicking sticking passionate but I'm done trying so hard to make this exciting and now I just avoid that disappointment
> Married 15 years
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 4 using Tapatalk


It is extremely frustrating when - perhaps 10 minutes into foreplay - I ask “mmm what’s on your naughty mind” and she replies “nothing.” That’s 99.9% of the time. “Nothing.” Ugh.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Your wife may have the "good girl" mindset. 

It is hard the change. I worked to get my wife to understand that being passionate and letting loose with me does not make her "a bad girl", but a "fantastic wife". 

There are some things that any person just will not do, but we found a good place and our acceptable boundaries. Was your wife raised with a religious background where sexual desire is evil and sex is only for procreation?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> It is extremely frustrating when - perhaps 10 minutes into foreplay - I ask “mmm what’s on your naughty mind” and she replies “nothing.” That’s 99.9% of the time. “Nothing.” Ugh.


Actually, that isn't always a bad thing. To me that means she is present and in the moment. I need my mind to be pretty much empty of thought to fully enjoy the moment during sex.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Actually, that isn't always a bad thing. To me that means she is present and in the moment. I need my mind to be pretty much empty of thought to fully enjoy the moment during sex.


That could be what's going on with her. It's always been this way. Not a new thing. Just be nice to hear her mention an idea or two. That's what I'm looking for. Ive told her that and keep hoping she'll say something, anything. I need more than "mmm" now and then, ya know?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

nocam7 said:


> I think we are both bored. I know I am and my mind races when I see another attractive woman. She doesn’t need to be hotter than my wife just interesting.
> I think I’ve lost the will to try with my wife. She is probably bored with me. Sexually she has always been a snooze. She used to try and do new things but once a month is fine by her. She enjoys it but has never had an orgasm in her life. I kinda don’t want to try anymore licking, flicking, dirty talk, pounding and the novelty of something new is a big turn on.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Start with spicing up life outside the bedroom, do more interesting things, go to some interesting shows, travel to some interesting places, make day to day life more interesting and fun and perhaps the new energy and fun will carry over into the bedroom from time to time. 

Also buy your wife some toys to have some orgasms, she's never had an orgasm in her life? That is crazy and must be fixed with immediate effect. That by itself is part of the problem, why would she go through the effort for some fun uninhibited wild sex if there is no prize.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Start with spicing up life outside the bedroom, do more interesting things, go to some interesting shows, travel to some interesting places, make day to day life more interesting and fun and perhaps the new energy and fun will carry over into the bedroom from time to time.
> 
> Also buy your wife some toys to have some orgasms, she's never had an orgasm in her life? That is crazy and must be fixed with immediate effect. That by itself is part of the problem, why would she go through the effort for some fun uninhibited wild sex if there is no prize.


Toys are a good idea. She says she never had any when she was single - find that one hard to believe - bu I have bought some that we do enjoy using, small and large. She and I even picked one out together at an adult store along the interstate. Those places are a hoot. Always busy. Horny travelers, I guess.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That could be what's going on with her. It's always been this way. Not a new thing. Just be nice to hear her mention an idea or two. That's what I'm looking for. Ive told her that and keep hoping she'll say something, anything. I need more than "mmm" now and then, ya know?


My wife and I do all our talking about sex and fantasies when we are not having sex. She is the type who likes her mind read, so I talk to her about stuff when we are not in the act and pay close attention to what she is saying, why certain things turn her on etc. Then when we are having sex, I can make it seem like I am reading her mind. My wife also has a very expressive face and I have learned to read her mood by the look on her face. For example when she is in the mood for me to be more aggressive, thats once facial expression, if she is feeling more aggressive thats another facial expression. I think a lot of women try to communicate what they want non verbally, they want to feel like you are so emotionally in tune with them that you just know what they want. It's also body language, she moves a very specific way when I'm giving her oral, sometimes we will be in the middle of intercourse and she will start moving her hips in the specific way, I know she is thinking she would like for me to go down on her in that moment so I do, there have been many times this has happened and as I head south she will say, oh you read my mind. It has taken me nearly 30 years to figure this stuff out but I am a committed student.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> My wife and I do all our talking about sex and fantasies when we are not having sex. She is the type who likes her mind read, so I talk to her about stuff when we are not in the act and pay close attention to what she is saying, why certain things turn her on etc. Then when we are having sex, I can make it seem like I am reading her mind. My wife also has a very expressive face and I have learned to read her mood by the look on her face. For example when she is in the mood for me to be more aggressive, thats once facial expression, if she is feeling more aggressive thats another facial expression. I think a lot of women try to communicate what they want non verbally, they want to feel like you are so emotionally in tune with them that you just know what they want. It's also body language, she moves a very specific way when I'm giving her oral, sometimes we will be in the middle of intercourse and she will start moving her hips in the specific way, I know she is thinking she would like for me to go down on her in that moment so I do, there have been many times this has happened and as I head south she will say, oh you read my mind. It has taken me nearly 30 years to figure this stuff out but I am a committed student.


It's great you two have that. Yeah, married 28 here.It's always a work in progress, dontcha know. I do agree that women think we can be telepathic when we really find that difficult. She slowly is coming around. Got pissed at me recently cuz i wasn't moving my fingers precisely where she wanted them at that moment. Later told her, "it's okay to tell me with words, I won't be offended." Heck, I tell her "left, right, slower, lighter." It's a two-way street. When are both driving in the same direction, it's a beautiful thing.

PS she dislikes talking about sex outside the “moment” … that adds to frustration. Feels like I have rules I can’t break or even bend.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That could be what's going on with her. It's always been this way. Not a new thing. Just be nice to hear her mention an idea or two. That's what I'm looking for. Ive told her that and keep hoping she'll say something, anything. I need more than "mmm" now and then, ya know?


Sometimes I'll spring this on the W - 'did you know it's ladies night tonight and you get to choose the position?' She'll come back with a bit of mock shock, she didn't know! In that moment, she'll tell me what's on her mind, finally. I think it's that moment she lets her guard down to laugh a bit and it just spills out. Otherwise I usually get nada as well.

Edit: this is when we've already jumped in bed, not beforehand.


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