# Support site for divorcing or separating Asperger Spouse



## Nanian

Hi all,
I am in the process of separating from my Asperger husband. And when I posted my marital issue in the general section of this web site, I received nothing but negative and angry 90/10 responses from other Aspies. Since Aspies are unable to empathize, unable to understand other point of views, and unable to provide any emotional support to others, it was pointless to continue with my posting.
So, I had to remove my posting since it was not productive or was helpful to others who may be going through the similar situation.
However, I found a great support site for those of you who are looking for support while you are in the process or separating or divorcing your diagnosed or suspected Asperger spouse.
All of the people on the below site know about Aspie marriage problems and post divorce issues. All of them experienced and survived it.
It is very helpful site so I want to share this resource with you.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspiedivorce/messages


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## O'Donnelli

Stating that Aspies are unable to empathize, unable to understand other point of views, and unable to provide any emotional support to others is too rigid.

It would be wiser to say that Aspies find it challenging to empathize, challenging to understand other point of views, and challenging to provide emotional support to others.

Many of us do succeed in doing these things - and when we read your description of us as "unable" it feels like... well... it feels like a lack of empathy, ability to understand other points of view and provide any emotional support!

:scratchhead:


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## drmmommy

Thank you for the link. I understand EXACTLY what you're dealing with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## profos

Why do people bump the threads of others and even if they haven't posted on them?

I never get that.

Never mind, it's spambot


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## perplexedowl

to o'donelly above, you have made it about you. This person's post was not about you or apserger's it was about how this person felt and dealt with a relationship with an asperger's person.


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## Thinkitthrough

perplexedowl: You are accusing O'Donnelli of acting like an Aspie. As part of the disorder is self interest and as us taking comments personally . The problem with Aspies is that there are so many variations on the theme that the behaviour of one does not reflect the behaviour of another. Nanian, your marriage sounds difficult and Aspie/normal marriages have a high failure rate. It is hard to respond without a clear sense of what the behaviour is and how you handle it. Aspie marriages take extra work by both the Aspie and the normal. Some Aspies can do it, others can't. I can empathise with the issues you face, and I understand your anger and frustration with your stbxh. My wife has put up with me for 40 years and after many years of conflict, two separations, and an EA/PA on her part. I have learned how, and my wife has helped me, to function as a team. I am a high functioning ASD. The last few years have been the best of our marriage. What I would tell you is that being married to an Aspie requires a lot of effort, care, tears and emotional energy. Without support and help from friends and most importantly your husband it won't last.. He must recognize that he too has work to do as well. No doubt you have done all you can to salvage your marriage and there is just nothing left to do but save yourself. 
If I may, what O'Donnelli tried to say and what Perplexedowl missed is that you cannot stereotype Aspies any more than you can stereotype anyone. As I said, I am High Functioning ASD and I have learned how to recognize people's emotions and have a set of reactive behaviours. When I told my friends about my diagnosis, they couldn't believe it. I am different from O'Donnelli or Nanian's husband or Matt Matt's (another poster on Tam) wife and like O'Donnelli I don't like being stereotyped as one thing or another, but I do hear Nanian and I know, one Aspie can be one too many, even if we are as different from one an other as you normal are.


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## Val70

Hello! 
Glad to hear your testimony. 40 yrs is a lot ! And, truly, your wife deserves all the appreciation and admiration from you! Every day for rest of your lives!! 16 years in my case, with 5 children. Tried and tried... In response - it's all my fault, I should know better how to deal with him, since he has an disorder... With time passing by, it got worse. High level of stress! One time it was emergency room visit - I had problem breathing because of stress. Couple of physical scenario. 

One time he beat me up for real, recently-very mild case in comparison to another, but this time I called police for the first time in our years together. I wasn't home when police came, and him, being very smart talker, was able to blame everything on me. I came home, children told me that police came. He was just smiling at me like a winner would... 

Police called me as well. I told them that my husband has an disorder, but doesn't want to go for any help. Suggestion was to go to Magistrate office and admit him for mental evaluation. This is the last move that I have. Just cannot do it! It would be offensive if someone did it to me... Especially a relative. 

Through the years he had been telling me, that nothing I can do about our situation... I guess, he gets to prove it each time...
By now I heard (not once) that he didn't marry me because he fell in love with me... I heard that I do not look good... That no man will ever need me, because who I am... 

He is 6'2" tall, 365 lb man. It's even intimidating when he yells at me, and children afraid of his yelling as well.

He doesn't care when I am sick, or sad... If one of the children are home from school, because of sickness, he won't go and see the child in the room, unless I ask him to go and visit... (Just do not want them to think that he doesn't care.) 

When I sit with him on the porch ( have not happened for years now), there is no connection. He just in his own world. Just cannot enjoy with him simple things... I never heard from him: "What a beautiful day!" He doesn't notice this kind of stuff.

HOW MUCH MORE SHOULD I BE TAKING ?


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