# Deleted



## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

Deleted


----------



## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

From what you have said he has almost certainly cheated multiple times over a long time period. Any one of the things you mentioned would be enough to convince me he was cheating. You have many examples of a married man looking for other women.
No of COURSE you are not over reacting. You should have left long ago and you shouldn't be having sex with him because of STDS's. 
If you must have more proof book a lie detector test, but surely you don't need it? .You cant trust him because he isn't trustworthy in anyway. He is a liar.


----------



## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Personal Situation said:


> A little lengthy but advice appreciated as I don’t have anyone to talk to!
> 
> I’ve been married 20 years & together almost 25 (I married at a young age). My husband & I discussed our boundaries/what we considered cheating & were both on the same page. Some boundaries included not staying in contact with an ex as there was no reason to do so & if we did=we would be respectful & tell each other. Also, we each would have to ask(or tell)each other Prior if going to a strip club-Lap dances were a definite NO.
> When we were married with young children , he would go to the bars(not the problem )with his single friends & there were times he didn’t come home until the next morning & I would sleep on the couch worried about him -he didn’t call to tell me he wasn’t coming home because he was too drunk to drive & told me he stayed at his friends.
> ...


Your husband sounds like your run-of-the-mill serial cheat.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

They all swear. Words don’t match actions.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You‘re married to a serial cheater. They very rarely change.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s a douche. Case closed.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Nope. He’s a lying ass


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Personal Situation, if a person has nothing to hide, they don't hide/gloss over anything. If there's nothing to hide, they don't lie. In all of these past situations with your husband, he has lied directly to you, so he obviously has a lot to hide.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I echo others saying he’s a serial cheater. You’re not overreacting - actually the opposite. You deserve way better and need to sort out why you’re remaining in this toxic situation.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

The fact that he had her under a pseudonym means it was deliberately done. The only reason to keep track of an ex is if there are children involved. Otherwise, there is no good reason to do so.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's confusing that you have started at least three threads on the same thing. If you stuck to one it's easier for people to understand the situation.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is what What Wikipedia has to say on the matter

_"LiveJasmin is an adult website emphasizing live streaming and related services, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys and full sexual intercourse. The models are predominantly female, however, there are also a fairly large number of male models, couple and trans performers."_

He is disrespecting you, no two ways about it.

I would suggest at least an initial appointment with a lawyer.


----------



## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Personal Situation said:


> Throughout the years I’ve discovered my husband had tinder, Bonfire for tinder, e harmony, POF, Zoosk, Victoria Milan, Ashley Madison , bumble, secret emails on his phone with fake names & pics- all have been deleted so I can’t investigate further.


Wow!

Like Bonfire is to tinder, your husband is to a cheater, i.e. a cheater on steroids (figuratively speaking).

That's just my opinion/impression of course based on what you've written here.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

That’s quite a list and it seems to be growing. I think you need to ask yourself how much is enough for you. I think he would have passed my limit. How about yours?


----------



## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's confusing that you have started at least three threads on the same thing. If you stuck to one it's easier for people to understand the situation.


Thanks for letting me know, I’m new here & wasn’t sure if I should post separately


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal Situation said:


> Thanks for letting me know, I’m new here & wasn’t sure if I should post separately


That's fine. It can just get a little confusing with different threads from the same person on the same subject. 😊


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Am I overreacting"???
Seriously?

Trust is something that's earned. Your husband has continued to do what he does because he knows you're not going to do anything. 

First thing I'd do is to make a Dr appointment and get yourself checked out.

Next thing you need to do (and should have done years ago) is to set up a poly and not just schedule it but follow through and make him take it.

Tell him beforehand he needs to write down EVERYTHING he's done because if he fails one question you are done. 

It doesn't matter if he starts confessing additional things beforehand or in the parking lot before the poly. STILL MAKE HIM TAKE THE POLY!!

All that said, if you're not going to do anything once you find out the truth then why waste your time. 

I'm not trying to be mean, but come on, you can't be this naive? You know what he's been up to you've just been too afraid to confront it.

You can't change what you won't confront.

He's been playing you for a fool. The bigger question is why you've done nothing? Fear is controlling you and until you have the courage to face your fears you'll stay in this nightmare. 

Do NOT tell him you're going to schedule the poly. Just do it!! If he refuses to take it that should tell you everything you need to know. If he's not guilty he should be willing to take it especially when he knows that if he doesn't take it that you are done. Divorce!!

It all comes down to the choices we make. You going to stick your head back in the sand or are you going to take action??


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Personal Situation

I merged your threads. You will get better input if you stick to one thread for a topic.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

You, all by yourself, will never be enough to satisfy your husband. He wants to have a wife and family, but he refuses to miss out everything he likes about being single. So he’s decided to have both. It’s not about YOU, it’s about your husband being a terrible human being. 

I’ve read your other threads, and really. I’m not sure why cheating is the only thing that will “make you leave”. He is a liar, sneaky, a manipulator, a gaslighter, and a terrible husband. I could understand having some doubts if his behavior had suddenly changed and he just started doing this stuff… but this has been your whole marriage. He’s a creep. 

What exactly does being “treated like a princess” entail? Do you mean he buys you a lot of expensive stuff so that makes everything else ok? Maybe if you outline some of his redeeming qualities we won’t be so lost as to why you didn’t dump him during the bra discovery.


----------



## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Personal Situation said:


> A little lengthy but advice appreciated as I don’t have anyone to talk to!
> 
> I’ve been married 20 years & together almost 25 (I married at a young age). My husband & I discussed our boundaries/what we considered cheating & were both on the same page. Some boundaries included not staying in contact with an ex as there was no reason to do so & if we did=we would be respectful & tell each other. Also, we each would have to ask(or tell)each other Prior if going to a strip club-Lap dances were a definite NO.
> 
> ...


Yikes. It got so I started skimming your opening statement. 
If your basic question is something about having reasons for trust issues with this man, you might have a least a dozen. I starting skimming and went faster and faster. At each successive stage where anyone on here would have said stop the fight I'd read a little faster. This is so over. TKO. By unanimous decision. 

What more do you need, a flaming car crashing through your front wall of your house that ejects lover boy and his most recent over onto to the sofa "to finish things they had started"?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Personal Situation said:


> Is there any legitimate reason for a husband of 20+ years to have his EXGF address pinned in his maps app under a man’s name? They broke up BEFORE apps were invented & never married/no kids ..and allegedly he ‘hasn’t seen or spoken to her in decades’
> 
> It was his old phone & I was going to give it to our child (and delete his apps on there) but noticed a couple pinned addresses & didn’t know what ‘pins were’…so I googled it & checked the address
> 
> ...


Your husband is a lying cheating POS, full stop. he has been pulling the wool over your eyes for years and the way you write you are splitting hairs. Who cares when he added his Ex GF, etc, the reality is he was out in bars and NOT coming home at all. This is not the behaviour of a good married man. All the evidence of learning how to pick up women, the websites for cheating etc is all there. How much more evidence do you need?
Please do a 180 on him. You now need to pull up your big girl panties and act as if you are more than willing to lose this marriage.
Go see a divorce lawyer in your area, a good one.
Go get STD tested, likely he caught something and passed it to you.
How old are your kids?
Tell all family and friends what you have found out, no covering for this loser.
He is not a good man at all and how you do not see that says that you need lots of counselling to see why you do not have any boundaries at all. He has walked all over them for years.
Of course he has been trying to hide all of this from you and when you found the bra in the car probably got his equally ****ty friends to cover for him. That girl, he was probably having sex with her.
If you are not satisfied with this array of evidence outlined in your postings, then get a PI, go into stealth mode without him noticing and get it. Then pull the plug. However, think about the lack of trust, the constant surveillance of him, the lies, is this the way you want to live. Is he really worth that amount of pain and effort? You can make the courts make him pay for you and the kids and live a life without him, and at peace.


----------



## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @Personal Situation
> 
> I merged your threads. You will get better input if you stick to one thread for a topic.


Thanks so much Elegirl, I appreciate it


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have been living a lie for 25 years. He violated every one of your "rules" that you thought were mutually agreed upon. 

Early on I could have gotten past the staying out all night once but the bra plus the dating apps. . .hell no. 

This man has been making a mockery of your marriage for a quarter century. The Q is how much longer will you allow this.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to read this thread:








Is my Husband just filling a void? OW still present but...


I have known my husband since we were kids. We got married a few years ago and I became pregnant, which came as abit of a shock to both of us as neither of us were ready, however we were both pleased. Towards the end of my pregnancy my husband went on a work night out and came home - he left his...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





It will illustrate what obsessing without action will do to you (make you nuts).


----------



## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

You're underreacting, actually. Get your affairs in order, see an attorney and leave him. Seriously. That list of offenses you describe is insane.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Personal Situation said:


> his actions don’t match his words.


Exactly. 

So, what's the question?


----------



## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

You are not overreacting. He has learned that he can tell you any lame story and you will say "OK". 

My guess is that when you had the conversation about what is cheating you did the talking and he just agreed to end the conversation. Whether he has actually done the deed over the years or you have spent you life with a man who was looking for or hoping for another life --- I don't know. 

It's hard after 20 years to walk away. You get comfortable. The thought of being single, meeting new men -- it's not pretty. But, you are with a man who does not cherish you. 

Having heard your side of the story, I would say ask him to leave. Don't discuss, try to understand or listen to his begging. If he wants you, he has to earn you, and that will take a good, long time given all the breaks in the trust.

Been where you are, and this is the best advice I can give you: this is not something you are going to agree on. Stop asking him to get on the same page with you. He is not even reading the same book.


----------



## Blessedgirl13 (7 mo ago)

Personal Situation said:


> A little lengthy but advice appreciated as I don’t have anyone to talk to! I’ve been married 20 years & together almost 25 (I married at a young age). My husband & I discussed our boundaries/what we considered cheating & were both on the same page. Some boundaries included not staying in contact with an ex as there was no reason to do so & if we did=we would be respectful & tell each other. Also, we each would have to ask(or tell)each other Prior if going to a strip club-Lap dances were a definite NO. When we were married with young children , he would go to the bars(not the problem )with his single friends & there were times he didn’t come home until the next morning & I would sleep on the couch worried about him -he didn’t call to tell me he wasn’t coming home because he was too drunk to drive & told me he stayed at his friends. Another time When I was pregnant, I found a bra in our car(not my bra) I didn’t confront him with it immediately but casually asked if he took anyone home last night, he said no. I asked many times if anyone else was in our car-he said no, I then showed him the bra & said I wanted a divorce & he panicked & said he took some people home because he was the DD. He offered a polygraph & said she had a bag of clothes & the bra fell out of the bag. The girl called our house later & got our # from a mutual friend, I listened in without her knowing & my husband said that I found the bra & was pissed -she said sorry & felt bad it fell out of her bag. I didn’t pursue the poly. But don’t understand why lie in the first place? I’m reasonable & wouldn’t care if my husband dropped people off…so I find it strange to lie about. Throughout the years I’ve discovered my husband had tinder, Bonfire for tinder, e harmony, POF, Zoosk, Victoria Milan, Ashley Madison , bumble, secret emails on his phone with fake names & pics- all have been deleted so I can’t investigate further. That’s not even a comprehensive list…he swears he never chatted with or met up with anyone. He’s also been friends secretly with his ex on many social media sites & communicating with her-then deletes the communication. He never told me. He went to several strip clubs when on work trips (some fully nude strip clubs)and got lap dances & tried to hide the evidence & lie about it until I showed him concrete proof. Why lie? Why not just tell me? I wouldn’t be mad if he told me prior as agreed but sneaky behavior makes me suspicious. Years ago He purchased the pickup artist book, & subscribed to swingcats secrets to attract women email, I also found searches for ‘how to pick up women in bars’. A few years ago He had his ex’s family’s house on his recent locations on Mapquest. That’s just a brief summary. It’s not just 1 thing that makes me suspicious or untrusting but a culmination of things. He swears up & down that he’s never cheated but I just don’t trust him anymore. He says ‘that’s all’ but we all know there’s ALWAYS MoRE you don’t know. When I later confronted him he said he wouldn’t care if I did those things-but that wasn’t the agreement ! & real nice of him to tell me that AFTER the fact he’s been doing it for YEARS. HE violated our well defined boundaries. Am I overreacting? How can I learn to trust him when I need concrete answers because I can’t take it anymore & feel I can’t move on without them. The not knowing is torture. If he cheated I would most likely leave him & he knows that. Advice greatly appreciated as he makes me feel I’m overreacting…maybe I am or maybe I’m wearing rose colored glasses


 He’s been living a single life. You have all the evidence he’s been lying. Those nights you spent on the couch waiting he should have called and really he should’ve been home with you! Think about if you are ok with an open marriage he’s not acting like he’s commited to you


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, why do you think you ignore the countless signs of his regular cheating? Is it fear of being alone?


----------



## hillybilly2785 (Dec 29, 2019)

I was in a similar situation with an old boyfriend. I didn't spend 25 years- only 5 years, but it was when I was in my early 20s.
When I met him, he was involved with someone. We got together, I thought he was devoted to only me. As time went on, there were so many similar things that happened. 
Emails, porn, calls, texts, etc..I put up with things and tolerated things I'm too embarrassed to admit to.
I became obsessed with finding out all that he was doing. I had no trust. I'd confront and he'd lie. 
We were living together and I came home one weekend unexpectedly, and found any trace that I lived there stuffed into cabinets, pictures hidden, etc.
But for some reason I was too afraid to let go, and eventually, the weekend of his 30th birthday, he caused an argument and told me I needed to stay with my family. I came home that Sunday morning and found him passed out with someone else in our bed.
It finally was enough to get me to see how absolutely pathetic I'd become. 

I think you know the truth, even though you haven't seen the concrete proof. You'll regret not getting away sooner, once you finally step away. 
Value yourself enough to know that you deserve so much more than you have settled for.


----------

