# Confronted wife last night and am now lost as to what to do.



## Dazed & Confused

Going to be a long one so please bear with me....

My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have 2 children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but never anything that I would consider as a serious threat to our marriage until recently.

My wife turned 40 two months ago. In the months leading up to her birthday she started expressing her fears of turning 40 and how she didn't want to be 'old' . I tried to reassure her that 40 is just a number and that I find her more attractive now than ever but I knew that this was something she had to come to terms with on her own and that even though my reassurances were helpful, they alone were not going to convince her turning 40 was not the end of the world.

Her 40th birthday came and went with little fanfare. Given her feelings on the subject I kept it low key and only invited a few close friends and family members out with us. She seemed to enjoy herself and was happy I didn't go all out and make a big deal of it. Looking back, it was that night that our recent problems started. 

While opening gifts, one of the cards contained a gift certificate to a local adult shop. The card was from a friend (we'll call him B) who can best be described as an frat boy who never grew up. We have known him for years and he has always been one of the most lewdest people I have ever met. It is as though he was born without the 'usual' self censor and tact that most people posess. He will say just about anything that comes to his mind and most of he time it is something dirty. So knowing that, the gift really didn't surprise me but it did kind of bother me that he would think to get something like that for my wife. I mentioned it to her when we got home and she responded it was just B being B and no big deal.

Two days later as I arrived home from work, J who is the husband half of another couple of friends (who are having serious problems of their own right now) was at the house. He said he was there to pick up my wife to take her to meet K, his wife for drinks at a local bar. I was fine with that and told her to have have and she left. Later that evening J calls me to say that they were still at the bar but he was leaving. He tells me that B was there and would make sure my wife got home safely. I had some things to do early the next morning so I decided not to wait up for her and went to be around midnight. At 2:30am, the phone rings. I roll over to see if my wife is going to answer it and discover she is not in bed. I pick up the phone and see that it is J calling. A moment of panic sweeps over me as I think that something bad has happened since she is not home and it is not her calling. I answer the phone expecting the worse. J asks me if my wife is homeand I tell him no and that I haven't heard from her either. He says K has not come home either and doesn't answer her cell phone. I tell him I will try calling my wife and see what is up and get back to him. I call my wife and she doesn't answer. Just as I am about to try again she sends me a text ' Still with K, call me if you want to' . So I call again and when she answers it is obvious she is smashed. I ask her where she is at and she won't tell me. Finally after asking her 3 times she tells me she is at B's house and that they are there because K didn't want to go home and B's wife is out of town so they could just hang out and not worry about waking anyone. I am not happy about this and ask her when she plans on coming home. She says she doesn't know and that she has to go. I call J back and let them know they are all over at B's and are OK. In the end, my wife doesn't get home until 7am. I was very upset as she has never stayed out all night like that before but even more so because if it wasn't for J calling me I would have never known she was gone all night since she never bothered to call. She apologized for not calling and said she only stayed out because K really didn't want to go home and she felt she needed to stay with her. 

A few days after this happened, I get a email from Verizon notifying me that I have incurred overage charges. I log into the Verizon site to see what was up and see that my wife's line has gone over her text plan limit. My wife almost never texts so we only had her set up for 250 messages a month. I examine the usage breakdown and see that she has sent/received almost 270 text messages over the last few days. I also see that the vast majority of these texts have been to/from B. Later that night after we put the kids to bed I asked her about the texts. She tells me that her and B have just been chating back and forth and that it was nothing. Knowing how B can be I asked her what they were chating about and she admitted that most of it was what I would probably consider inappropriate but that it was just hamless fun. She gave me her phone and let me read some of what they were texting. I literally sick to my stomach by some of the things read. None of it was outright 'sexting' in that there was no I want you or think about you but there was enough there to make me question my wife for the first time (things like the pros and cons of using various fruits and vegetables to her telling him about how she satisfies herself when she is in the mood and I am not available). Once again she stated that it was just B being B and no big deal. She did admit that maybe she crossed the line by some of he things she texted but that it felt good to do because it made her feel naughty without actually crossing the infidelity line. She then tells me that she hates being 40 and that she wants to be 20 again. The messages mean nothing and that she loves me and me only and that they are only a way for her to act out and be young again. We talk about this for awhile and she agrees to tone it down.

My wife has also started going out with friends more often and staying out later than in the past. As well as continuing to text B on a daily basis, I come to find out B is usually out with her and her friends as well. She never tells me that he is going to be out with them, I usually only find out after the fact. When I ask why she doesn't let me know shew responds that she knows B probably isn't my favorite person right now and she doesn't want to upset me. She continually tells me that she just needs to have this relationship with B right now because it makes her feel young and re-energized. She says that because her and B are just friends she can say and do things when she is with him without fear of being judged. She she needs that release right now and assures me the relationship is strictly hands off and that she would never cheat on me. 

Of course none of this made me feel any better but I honestly tried to give her the benefit of doubt. I can see that she is struggling to come to terms with turning 40 and for better or worse she has chosen to deal with it by playing with fire so to speak. I have tried to be understanding even though it is tearing me up inside to know she is having an emotional affair with another man. I keep telling myself it is jst a mid life crisis and it will pass and that I just need to give her the time and space she needs to adjust and hope that she doesn't go to far. Not all of it has been bad either. Our sex life hasn't been this good or frequent since we first met. Unfortunately I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as she has knowing that this renewed vigor on her part is most likley a direct result of her questionable relationship with B. 

Well, things came to a head last night. Next weekend she is going on an overnight trip to a concert with some friends. This last Saturday, she asks me if it is ok if B goes with them. I really didn't know how to respond. She could see that I was upset and stated she would take my silence as a no and that was that. Then yesterday I noticed her cell laying on the kitchen counter. She had taken some pictures earlier in the day so I decided to take look at them. When I turned on her phone, it was open to B's text thread. Up until this point I have never read what they were texting without her showing me. I have told myself that ignorance is bliss and it was easier to cope with what she has been doing if I don't know the particulars. So against my better judgement, I started to read what was there. Once again, what I saw made me sick to my stomach. I put her phone back down and walked away. I didn't speak to her for the rest of the night and as such she could tell I was upset about something. After the kids went to bed she came to me and asked what was wrong. I have so many thoughts and feelings flowing through me at this point that I don't trust mysellf to say anything so I lie and tell her nothing is wrong and that I am just tired. We lay in bed for awhile and I can tell she has something on her mind as well. Eventually she turns to me and tells me she knows I am uncomfortable with what she has been doing and apologized for making me feel bad but that she really would like B to go with them this weekend because she would feel safer if there was a male with them at the concert. 

I lost it. All of the hurt, anger, confusion.... it all came spilling out. I told her that though I have been trying to be understanding I just couldn't take it anymore. I told he I should not be put in a position where I feel I am in competition for my wifes affection. I told her I am not OK with her being sexually explicit with another man even if it is nothing more the harmless fun to her. Probably worst of all I told her I don't know that I can trust her anymore. At that the look on her face was pure hurt and I almost started crying but I was not going to hold back now. I told her I wasn't going to pretend to be accepting of her behavior any longer. If she does something that upsets me she will know about it. I told her that no matter how hard I have tried I do not understand why she has not been able to accept turning 40 or why she has chosen to deal with it in the manner she has. I told her I was angry with her for continuing to act the way she has even though she knows how it was making me feel. I then told her I was sorry that I am not able to deal with it. That I was sorry if she now feels that I am nothing more than a jealous husband who is not going to allow her to be who she is and who is going to get upset if she even so much as says hi to another guy. Lastly I told her that if this was the way she wanted to be then that was her decision to make but to know that if she decides to continue carring on this way she would be doing it without me. 

She became very quiet. I could tell she was thinking over what I had just said and was struggling with how to respond. Eventually she said 'I love you and am sorry for all I have put you through' . She told me she does not know why she feels the need to act the way she has been and she knows it was wrong but that she couldn't help herself. She says she felt free for the first time in a long while and she couldn't stop herself even though she knew it was hurting me. She tells me she likes being the 'new' her but not at the expense of our marriage. She promised to stop texting B so often and to keep it non sexual when she does and to try to become more 'normal' again. We lay there awhile and finally went to sleep.

Funny thing is, now that I have finally said my piece, I feel like crap for doing so. In some ways I feel worse now then I did. I know it needed to be said and she has said she is sorry and that she will change but the look of hurt on her face tells me this isn't over yet. I actually feel bad for telling her that she needed to change her ways or I would be gone. I feel bad for putting her in a position where she now feels she can't be herself. Most of all I feel that I don't know where to go from here. She did not give me a kiss goodbye this morning. She has not called or texted me as we always do throughout the day. I called her before typing this and she was very quiet and it was obvious she didn't want to talk so I let her go. I don't know what to do next. We have never expirienced anything like this before. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that things just didn't magically get better overnight but here I sit worrying that I went to far. I have never told my wife what she can and can't do and I have never spoken to her the way I did last night or threatened to leave her. I worry that I may have just made things worse. What if she does decide to continue? Then what? Do I make good on my threat? Does she decide that since she's gone this far and I am ready to leave if things don't she might as well go all the way? I am severly dazed and confused.


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## Conrad

Dazed,

You sound like a really nice guy who would do just about anything to make your wife happy.

That's where your problems likely begin:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read all the links. Join us in the Men's Clubhouse for discussion if something lights you up.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Many have been there and recovered.

Some have gone the "other way" also. But, they've reclaimed their birthright in the process.


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## Tourchwood

I'm not sure why you are being soo soft with her, may be thats the reason she out seeking someone else, someone that can Say no to her and make her feel a woman. stop being the nice guy and man up for things. 
I'm certain she is involved physically with B person. 

Good luck


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## michzz

Tourchwood said:


> I'm not sure why you are being soo soft with her, may be thats the reason she out seeking someone else, someone that can Say no to her and make her feel a woman. stop being the nice guy and man up for things.
> I'm certain she is involved physically with B person.
> 
> Good luck


Any married woman who spends the night at another man's home is having sex with that man. period.

:iagree:


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## Orion

Dazed & Confused said:


> Funny thing is, now that I have finally said my piece, I feel like crap for doing so. In some ways I feel worse now then I did. I know it needed to be said and she has said she is sorry and that she will change but the look of hurt on her face tells me this isn't over yet. I actually feel bad for telling her that she needed to change her ways or I would be gone. I feel bad for putting her in a position where she now feels she can't be herself. Most of all I feel that I don't know where to go from here. She did not give me a kiss goodbye this morning. She has not called or texted me as we always do throughout the day. I called her before typing this and she was very quiet and it was obvious she didn't want to talk so I let her go. I don't know what to do next. We have never expirienced anything like this before. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that things just didn't magically get better overnight but here I sit worrying that I went to far. I have never told my wife what she can and can't do and I have never spoken to her the way I did last night or threatened to leave her. I worry that I may have just made things worse. What if she does decide to continue? Then what? Do I make good on my threat? Does she decide that since she's gone this far and I am ready to leave if things don't she might as well go all the way? I am severly dazed and confused.


I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through. Conrad is absolutely correct. You need to read the Nice Guy threads in the Men's Clubhouse. I felt bad reading your post because you seems to be extremely concerned about what your wife is going to do. You wife has had an EA (at least) and violated your marriage. She is the one who needs to be concerned about *your* actions. I understand that you want to save your marriage. The issue is that the woman that you have described is not a wife. She wants to live as a single person. And her having a mid-life crisis is not an excuse. Make her responsible for her actions and establish some boundaries. I know that you are hurt (understandably) but if she is able to go out and disrespect your marriage, you are entitled to call her on her bs. Do not apologize for telling her how you felt about her actions. My hope is that you will be able to establish some boundaries and that your wife will behave as a wife should. Good luck.


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## code7600

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russ101

I wish I had some advice for you, because I am in a similar situation (although my wife does not stay out all night). My wife talks to her ex boss who now lives in Calif. every night. I have told her it makes me uncomfortable that she spends so much time with him on the phone. She is definitley having an emotional affair with this guy, but won't admit it. She doen't see anything wrong with what she is doing. She told me she was not going to call him as often anymore, but that was all BS. She still calls him every night for at least an hour. If I tell her I know she is still talking to him every night, then I am the ***hole for spying on her. I did over hear her say to him last week (when she thought I wasn't home, and she was in the bedroom crying) saying she missed him so much and wishes he would move back to our state). Now you tell me that is alright to say to another man? I know your pain, just keep a close eye on her, and the minute you catch her doing something that is innapropriate again, tell her the contact has to stop with him COMPLETELY. If she doesn't, at least you will know where you stand in order of importance to your wife, and you can decide what you want to do from there.


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## code7600

You are absolutely justified in being angry and setting boundaries. To me, it seems B has achieved the threesome of his dreams.
He may brag of it to his frat like buddies; keep your ears open.
Check with J to see what he really feels K was up to. He should expect lies too. It is entirely inappropriate to keep
seeing B, you should insist on NC; the concert is out of the question. If she insists on the concert, say it can be
after she vacates the marital home.
Beware, as a LS whos DS left rapidly, I'lm very cynical about these gut feelings & evidence of EA to PA.
----
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Captain
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dazed & Confused

Thank you for the replies. I realize i have been pretty much living in denial but just could not bring myself to accept that she could do something like this. I was afraid that if it is as she says and I confronted her and was wrong that it would push her away. And as much as denial as it may sound I do believe her when she says there is nothing physical between her and B, I just don't trust that it would stay that way if it were to continue. 

Thank you for the links and pointing me to the mens clubhouse. Very intresting reading there.


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## Dazed & Confused

code7600 said:


> Check with J to see what he really feels K was up to. He should expect lies too. It is entirely inappropriate to keep
> seeing B, you should insist on NC; the concert is out of the question. If she insists on the concert, say it can be
> after she vacates the marital home.
> Beware, as a LS whos DS left rapidly, I'lm very cynical about these gut feelings & evidence of EA to PA.
> ----
> "What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Captain
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know what J thinks and he is entirley justified. K has cheated on him at least a few times that I know of and has even told him point blank she wants a divorce. They have both agreed to try and work it out but I really don't see it happening.


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## chillymorn

Just courious.... why haven't you kicked the **** out of B


if some man was flirting with my wife like that he would have ME TO DEAL WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I would shove that sex toy up his ass.


WOW I think she already is sleeping with her. 






and if my wife got angry then she would be shown the door also.




GOOD LUCK


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## MrK

Dazed & Confused said:


> She has not called or texted me as we always do throughout the day.


That's because the chatter between your wife and "he who needs his ass kicked" is in overdrive. Damage control, plans for taking the affair further underground, etc.

And no f'ing WAY does she go to that concert without you. If you don't go, "he who needs his ass kicked" will, regardless of what your wife says.

And I'm pretty sure it's gotten physical.


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## chillymorn

Dazed & Confused said:


> Going to be a long one so please bear with me....
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have 2 children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but never anything that I would consider as a serious threat to our marriage until recently.
> 
> My wife turned 40 two months ago. In the months leading up to her birthday she started expressing her fears of turning 40 and how she didn't want to be 'old' . I tried to reassure her that 40 is just a number and that I find her more attractive now than ever but I knew that this was something she had to come to terms with on her own and that even though my reassurances were helpful, they alone were not going to convince her turning 40 was not the end of the world.
> 
> Her 40th birthday came and went with little fanfare. Given her feelings on the subject I kept it low key and only invited a few close friends and family members out with us. She seemed to enjoy herself and was happy I didn't go all out and make a big deal of it. Looking back, it was that night that our recent problems started.
> 
> While opening gifts, one of the cards contained a gift certificate to a local adult shop. The card was from a friend (we'll call him B) who can best be described as an frat boy who never grew up. We have known him for years and he has always been one of the most lewdest people I have ever met. It is as though he was born without the 'usual' self censor and tact that most people posess. He will say just about anything that comes to his mind and most of he time it is something dirty. So knowing that, the gift really didn't surprise me but it did kind of bother me that he would think to get something like that for my wife. I mentioned it to her when we got home and she responded it was just B being B and no big deal.
> 
> Two days later as I arrived home from work, J who is the husband half of another couple of friends (who are having serious problems of their own right now) was at the house. He said he was there to pick up my wife to take her to meet K, his wife for drinks at a local bar. I was fine with that and told her to have have and she left. Later that evening J calls me to say that they were still at the bar but he was leaving. He tells me that B was there and would make sure my wife got home safely. I had some things to do early the next morning so I decided not to wait up for her and went to be around midnight. At 2:30am, the phone rings. I roll over to see if my wife is going to answer it and discover she is not in bed. I pick up the phone and see that it is J calling. A moment of panic sweeps over me as I think that something bad has happened since she is not home and it is not her calling. I answer the phone expecting the worse. J asks me if my wife is homeand I tell him no and that I haven't heard from her either. He says K has not come home either and doesn't answer her cell phone. I tell him I will try calling my wife and see what is up and get back to him. I call my wife and she doesn't answer. Just as I am about to try again she sends me a text ' Still with K, call me if you want to' . So I call again and when she answers it is obvious she is smashed. I ask her where she is at and she won't tell me. Finally after asking her 3 times she tells me she is at B's house and that they are there because K didn't want to go home and B's wife is out of town so they could just hang out and not worry about waking anyone. I am not happy about this and ask her when she plans on coming home. She says she doesn't know and that she has to go. I call J back and let them know they are all over at B's and are OK. In the end, my wife doesn't get home until 7am. I was very upset as she has never stayed out all night like that before but even more so because if it wasn't for J calling me I would have never known she was gone all night since she never bothered to call. She apologized for not calling and said she only stayed out because K really didn't want to go home and she felt she needed to stay with her.
> 
> A few days after this happened, I get a email from Verizon notifying me that I have incurred overage charges. I log into the Verizon site to see what was up and see that my wife's line has gone over her text plan limit. My wife almost never texts so we only had her set up for 250 messages a month. I examine the usage breakdown and see that she has sent/received almost 270 text messages over the last few days. I also see that the vast majority of these texts have been to/from B. Later that night after we put the kids to bed I asked her about the texts. She tells me that her and B have just been chating back and forth and that it was nothing. Knowing how B can be I asked her what they were chating about and she admitted that most of it was what I would probably consider inappropriate but that it was just hamless fun. She gave me her phone and let me read some of what they were texting. I literally sick to my stomach by some of the things read. None of it was outright 'sexting' in that there was no I want you or think about you but there was enough there to make me question my wife for the first time (things like the pros and cons of using various fruits and vegetables to her telling him about how she satisfies herself when she is in the mood and I am not available). Once again she stated that it was just B being B and no big deal. She did admit that maybe she crossed the line by some of he things she texted but that it felt good to do because it made her feel naughty without actually crossing the infidelity line. She then tells me that she hates being 40 and that she wants to be 20 again. The messages mean nothing and that she loves me and me only and that they are only a way for her to act out and be young again. We talk about this for awhile and she agrees to tone it down.
> 
> My wife has also started going out with friends more often and staying out later than in the past. As well as continuing to text B on a daily basis, I come to find out B is usually out with her and her friends as well. She never tells me that he is going to be out with them, I usually only find out after the fact. When I ask why she doesn't let me know shew responds that she knows B probably isn't my favorite person right now and she doesn't want to upset me. She continually tells me that she just needs to have this relationship with B right now because it makes her feel young and re-energized. She says that because her and B are just friends she can say and do things when she is with him without fear of being judged. She she needs that release right now and assures me the relationship is strictly hands off and that she would never cheat on me.
> 
> Of course none of this made me feel any better but I honestly tried to give her the benefit of doubt. I can see that she is struggling to come to terms with turning 40 and for better or worse she has chosen to deal with it by playing with fire so to speak. I have tried to be understanding even though it is tearing me up inside to know she is having an emotional affair with another man. I keep telling myself it is jst a mid life crisis and it will pass and that I just need to give her the time and space she needs to adjust and hope that she doesn't go to far. Not all of it has been bad either. Our sex life hasn't been this good or frequent since we first met. Unfortunately I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as she has knowing that this renewed vigor on her part is most likley a direct result of her questionable relationship with B.
> 
> Well, things came to a head last night. Next weekend she is going on an overnight trip to a concert with some friends. This last Saturday, she asks me if it is ok if B goes with them. I really didn't know how to respond. She could see that I was upset and stated she would take my silence as a no and that was that. Then yesterday I noticed her cell laying on the kitchen counter. She had taken some pictures earlier in the day so I decided to take look at them. When I turned on her phone, it was open to B's text thread. Up until this point I have never read what they were texting without her showing me. I have told myself that ignorance is bliss and it was easier to cope with what she has been doing if I don't know the particulars. So against my better judgement, I started to read what was there. Once again, what I saw made me sick to my stomach. I put her phone back down and walked away. I didn't speak to her for the rest of the night and as such she could tell I was upset about something. After the kids went to bed she came to me and asked what was wrong. I have so many thoughts and feelings flowing through me at this point that I don't trust mysellf to say anything so I lie and tell her nothing is wrong and that I am just tired. We lay in bed for awhile and I can tell she has something on her mind as well. Eventually she turns to me and tells me she knows I am uncomfortable with what she has been doing and apologized for making me feel bad but that she really would like B to go with them this weekend because she would feel safer if there was a male with them at the concert.
> 
> I lost it. All of the hurt, anger, confusion.... it all came spilling out. I told her that though I have been trying to be understanding I just couldn't take it anymore. I told he I should not be put in a position where I feel I am in competition for my wifes affection. I told her I am not OK with her being sexually explicit with another man even if it is nothing more the harmless fun to her. Probably worst of all I told her I don't know that I can trust her anymore. At that the look on her face was pure hurt and I almost started crying but I was not going to hold back now. I told her I wasn't going to pretend to be accepting of her behavior any longer. If she does something that upsets me she will know about it. I told her that no matter how hard I have tried I do not understand why she has not been able to accept turning 40 or why she has chosen to deal with it in the manner she has. I told her I was angry with her for continuing to act the way she has even though she knows how it was making me feel. I then told her I was sorry that I am not able to deal with it. That I was sorry if she now feels that I am nothing more than a jealous husband who is not going to allow her to be who she is and who is going to get upset if she even so much as says hi to another guy. Lastly I told her that if this was the way she wanted to be then that was her decision to make but to know that if she decides to continue carring on this way she would be doing it without me.
> 
> She became very quiet. I could tell she was thinking over what I had just said and was struggling with how to respond. Eventually she said 'I love you and am sorry for all I have put you through' . She told me she does not know why she feels the need to act the way she has been and she knows it was wrong but that she couldn't help herself. She says she felt free for the first time in a long while and she couldn't stop herself even though she knew it was hurting me. She tells me she likes being the 'new' her but not at the expense of our marriage. She promised to stop texting B so often and to keep it non sexual when she does and to try to become more 'normal' again. We lay there awhile and finally went to sleep.
> 
> Funny thing is, now that I have finally said my piece, I feel like crap for doing so. In some ways I feel worse now then I did. I know it needed to be said and she has said she is sorry and that she will change but the look of hurt on her face tells me this isn't over yet. I actually feel bad for telling her that she needed to change her ways or I would be gone. I feel bad for putting her in a position where she now feels she can't be herself. Most of all I feel that I don't know where to go from here. She did not give me a kiss goodbye this morning. She has not called or texted me as we always do throughout the day. I called her before typing this and she was very quiet and it was obvious she didn't want to talk so I let her go. I don't know what to do next. We have never expirienced anything like this before. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that things just didn't magically get better overnight but here I sit worrying that I went to far. I have never told my wife what she can and can't do and I have never spoken to her the way I did last night or threatened to leave her. I worry that I may have just made things worse. What if she does decide to continue? Then what? Do I make good on my threat? Does she decide that since she's gone this far and I am ready to leave if things don't she might as well go all the way? I am severly dazed and confused.


Who feels bad for you as your wife bangs who ever she wants?


YOU DIDN"T MAKE THINGS WORSE.

you stood up for you and your wife and if she can't see what she has then shes not worth wanting!!


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## mr.miketastic

Does B avoid you now? I noticed that relationship vultures will avoid the LS. I have seen it with other men sniffing around my W. I told her that if push came to shove, one or more of these fellows would find themselves waking up on the ground wondering why I hit so hard.

Anyhow, if B does avoid you, it's because he feels guilty. Another pro-tip:
Telling a lie takes a large amount of mental resources, so, ask your wife about the situation, then ask her to recount the night in question with a reverse time-line and insist on eye contact If she can't maintain eye contact and has a lot of trouble then it's highly likely what she is telling you is a lie. It's like Ma used to say: A lie comes halting to the lips, but the truth flows like a river of gold...


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## SadieBrown

Wow, what is the big deal about turning 40? That is not considered old into days society by any means. God, what is going to happen when she turns 50 I wonder. 

I have to ask, where is B's wife in all of this? Is she with the group of friends that your wife is supposedly gong out with? Or is B ditching his wife to hang with the girls? 

You shouldn't feel bad, your wife and B's behavior is way out of line.


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## F-102

D&C, she is at a crossroads now. She can be contrite and be your W and mother after her little "fling", or she can be that single party girl all over again.
The fact is, she has a mid life crisis, and Mr. B who was more than ready and willing to make her feel fun and sexy again.
No, you were not wrong to confront her-she knows how you stand, and now it's all on her.
My only question is: Why aren't you stomping the s**t out of B right now?


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## CH

If she goes on that trip, pack up all her crap and send it to K or Bs place and be rid of her. If K is a cheater, then she's a bad influence on your wife. She's saying things to your wife to make your marriage look as bad as possible so she can have a wingwoman with her on girls night out.

Cancer spreads, the only way to be rid of it is to get rid of the source. If your wife becomes tainted, you might have to cut her out also, something to think about. Can't live a life of misery hoping for the best. You'll grow up bitter and be one of those old men complaining about how life has been so unfair to him.

I'm I agree with the poster above, your wife slept with B already. Drunk at another man's house who's known to be a player....
I got a water stick for sale also if you're interested.

BTW, get checked for stds/hiv, K is a cheater and B is a known sleep with anything that moves guy.


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## Mrs.G

Your wife is very good at manipulating you. No wonder she doesn't respect you! Get some IC to learn about why you are allowing your wife to play with your head and BLAME YOU FOR CHEATING.
Having a life stage crisis is very stressful, but it's no reason to disrespect marriage vows. 
You cannot allow your wife to turn you into a wimp.Good on you for standing your ground and keep doing so! She needs to be put in her place!
I assume that she has already been sexual with this B. Let your wife know that you will be exposing this affair to family, unless she cuts B off, FOREVER.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

issed: Dazed when I read this I had the urge to slap someone since you were not here, I had to let it go. How can I say this nicely - oh the hell with nice. 

You better grab your balls and tell her to stop the contact with that filthy sleazi B and his ho and get her aaazzz home with you and you will take care of making her feel 20 again. 

You are her husband for goodness sakes! As a wife she does not go out with other men, she does not travel with other men and she does not hang out with a women with no moral who has cheated on her husband. 

This is not giving her space to work out being 40, this is letting her step on your face and no one especially not a woman who you are being loving with should be allowed to do this.

Please dont take what I am saying as a gesture of bad will. The thing is I know women she wants you to stop her she needs you to stop her. She needs you to set the limits so she feels safe and secure again. Take it from me I know I am right, that is how I would feel and it is basic femaleness. 

You must demand and I mean demand that she stop contacting sleazi B and and his ho. Surgical cut period. The consequences, she must moves out of your bedroom while you think about what your next move will be. 

Don't have sex with her act completely cool (I know difficult but she wants you let her see what it's going be like with just sleazi B and ho to talk to, yuck). 

The conditions of your accepting her back is what you said absolutely no contact with those two. If she continues then you will have have to separate. 

I don't advise separation at first because you need to keep an eye on her and you want her to see you and not have you. I am really not sure that she is not having a PA. Please keep digging.

Be real nice to her even if it kills you don't talk about the relationship until she meets your conditions. Go out get new clothes, get a new hair cut look as if you are preparing to date. 

Please try this I hate to see how she is treating you it is absolutely heartless. She is hurting you and she continues to do so.

Don't be fearful, you are holding all the cards and you don't know it. You have what she needs your strong presence and your absolute boundaries.


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## the guy

You might want to get unconfussed fast, and show your wife a confident man that will not tolorate her crap. Show her a man that can find a woman that will respect you and that you are strong in the belief that you can get any women out there and she can make her own choices and if she chooses wisely you are strong enough to make her not regret it, but if she chooses wrong then you will move on and are not affraid in doing so b/c you are strong and confident and will succeed with or with out her.

The last thing you want to do is show her weakness, she is also confussed and she should look at you as a man that knows exactly what he wants and that her man is not needy as is very capable in moving on with out her and her.

The last thing you want is her believing that you will always be around and will do anything for her as long as she sticks around....even share her. Get that though out of her mind and get her to believe she will loose you.

So please stop showing her confusion and act like you know what you want and stop showing fear ...OK? This is the time to be the best actor you can be, b/c I know 1st hand how weak you really feel. I can remember the shaking and the sick feeling all to well. My d-day happened 14 month ago.


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## sisters359

Your wife crossed a line in being sexually explicit with another man--esp since it was just "for fun." 

But please don't buy this:



> The thing is I know women she wants you to stop her she needs you to stop her. She needs you to set the limits so she feels safe and secure again. Take it from me I know I am right, that is how I would feel and it is basic femaleness.


Yes, you have the right to take a stand, and you did, b/c what she did was wrong. It has nothing to do with "basic femaleness." A woman whose husband did the same thing would set her boundary and warn him--and mean it. That is what you need to do--not because you are the man and she is the woman, but because you are both individuals. You enforce your boundaries; a woman should also enforce hers. 

Women aren't teenagers looking for someone to set boundaries for them.


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## Conrad

QFT



Catherine602 said:


> issed: Dazed when I read this I had the urge to slap someone since you were not here, I had to let it go. How can I say this nicely - oh the hell with nice.
> 
> You better grab your balls and tell her to stop the contact with that filthy sleazi B and his ho and get her aaazzz home with you and you will take care of making her feel 20 again.
> 
> You are her husband for goodness sakes! As a wife she does not go out with other men, she does not travel with other men and she does not hang out with a women with no moral who has cheated on her husband.
> 
> This is not giving her space to work out being 40, this is letting her step on your face and no one especially not a woman who you are being loving with should be allowed to do this.
> 
> Please dont take what I am saying as a gesture of bad will. The thing is I know women she wants you to stop her she needs you to stop her. She needs you to set the limits so she feels safe and secure again. Take it from me I know I am right, that is how I would feel and it is basic femaleness.
> 
> You must demand and I mean demand that she stop contacting sleazi B and and his ho. Surgical cut period. The consequences, she must moves out of your bedroom while you think about what your next move will be.
> 
> Don't have sex with her act completely cool (I know difficult but she wants you let her see what it's going be like with just sleazi B and ho to talk to, yuck).
> 
> The conditions of your accepting her back is what you said absolutely no contact with those two. If she continues then you will have have to separate.
> 
> I don't advise separation at first because you need to keep an eye on her and you want her to see you and not have you. I am really not sure that she is not having a PA. Please keep digging.
> 
> Be real nice to her even if it kills you don't talk about the relationship until she meets your conditions. Go out get new clothes, get a new hair cut look as if you are preparing to date.
> 
> Please try this I hate to see how she is treating you it is absolutely heartless. She is hurting you and she continues to do so.
> 
> Don't be fearful, you are holding all the cards and you don't know it. You have what she needs your strong presence and your absolute boundaries.


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## the guy

But, who kills the snakes & spiders. who enjoys being courted and dated. We go out in the dark of night with a bat or gun when you hear a sound out side 
Who layes the coat down to cross the mud.

Granted I dont set my W boundries but I do know how she like to be treated *Now* 

For so many years I let her have her way and now that I don't I seem to get so much more respect from her.

In addition with control comes responsablity.


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## justbe

i am sure she already slept with B. don't stay there ... walk to the divorce step.


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## Catherine602

Conrad said:


> QFT


I don't understand Conrad

Sisters I said nothing about boundaries that both parties should have.

OK some females then. Who would not want to be saved from themselves? Who better than the man who loves cares about her? she is obviously confused. I am a strong opinionated woman, but I would feel no sexual tension with a man who would let me get away with bad behavior. 

It seems from what I read from men on the forum, men rarely lose their sexual tension if a woman has no boundaries. Women are different in my opinion there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. It helps relationships and there is nothing wrong with woman being uniquely female. That is nature. 

I acknowledged that I could be way off. He knows his wife.

Oh yea, get tested for STD's, if you are so sure she is not having sex with sleezi B, maybe you don't know her so well. Just saying.


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## Conrad

QFT = Quoted for Truth



Catherine602 said:


> I don't understand Conrad
> 
> Sisters I said nothing about boundaries that both parties should have.
> 
> OK some females then. Who would not want to be saved from themselves? Who better than the man who loves cares about her? she is obviously confused. I am a strong opinionated woman, but I would feel no sexual tension with a man who would let me get away with bad behavior.
> 
> It seems from what I read from men on the forum, men rarely lose their sexual tension if a woman has no boundaries. Women are different in my opinion there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. It helps relationships and there is nothing wrong with woman being uniquely female. That is nature.
> 
> I acknowledged that I could be way off. He knows his wife.
> 
> Oh yea, get tested for STD's, if you are so sure she is not having sex with sleezi B, maybe you don't know her so well. Just saying.


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## Rob774

MY 2 cents. I don't trust guys... especially those who are sexually flirty with my wife. I don't care how long they knew each other, the first time... would of been the last time. I am not going to be the fool. The OP, i take my hat off to him for his patience. I am also a nice guy... but not in regards to being disrespected. I do believe his wife and B were disrespecting their marriage. I actually don't think a PA occured, i don't even an EA has occurred, but this "mid-life" crisis has allowed his wife to let her guard down, and not use commen sense. I'd send B a nice, polite email... stop texting my wife... period. Once a man gets that from a woman's husband, that should be enough to back away. If he is foolish enough to continue... than he wants his ass beat, simple as that. 

I just can't believe she had the stones to ask her husband could dude come along. Are you kidding me. Basically asking me to endorse the potential sex you are about to have.


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## luckyman

Dazed,
She promised to "stop texting B so often?!!!" Are you kidding me?! No, she can't go to any concert, with, or without B. No, she can't have a relationship with B any more, at all, no texting, email, phone, nothing. No, she can't go out alone any more. She has betrayed your trust and has shown no remorse and is making no effort to change. 

I wouldn't even separate. I would go straight to an attorney. She is cheating on you and doesn't care...despite the pouty, sad expressions. What she is doing is destroying your marriage and family. There should be something said to B as well. This is beyond sad. Make plans for a divorce. If she is salvageable she will do anything and everything (especially stop communicating with B) necessary to save the marriage. If not, you will get excuses and half-hearted efforts like promising to not text B as often.

For the rest of us out there...I would not associate with such a person as B. Such people offer no real friendship and due to their nature seem hellbent on imposing their own selfish desires upon others.
I am saddened by your post.


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## Jellybeans

I know you feel bad but you definitely did the right thing.

You came across as dignified and like a man who knows his worth and respects himself. Always a good thing.

Now you have to stick to it.


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## lisa3girls

SadieBrown said:


> Wow, what is the big deal about turning 40? That is not considered old into days society by any means. God, what is going to happen when she turns 50 I wonder.
> 
> I have to ask, where is B's wife in all of this? Is she with the group of friends that your wife is supposedly gong out with? Or is B ditching his wife to hang with the girls?
> 
> You shouldn't feel bad, your wife and B's behavior is way out of line.


ITA, and tone DOWN the texting?? It and all contact should come to a screeching halt


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## Jellybeans

Tell his wife. Today. If you haven't already.


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## Catherine602

Dazed where are you?


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## justaguy2

You did the right thing. Now you need to tell her to cease all communication with this punk STAT or you will be filing for divorce, no questions asked. If she agrees, tell her to tell this B if you catch her trying to communicate with her again, you're going to leave him in a wheelchair.

This guy is a cancer on your marriage, and you need to lay down the law or your marriage is toast.


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