# husband-to-be prefers his mom



## gjko (Jun 19, 2008)

I need perspective.

My fiance and I are getting married in several weeks. He's an only child, 40 years old, and this is his first marriage or serious relationship.

Here's the dilemma: He loves his mom very much and spends alot of money on her: 2 beautiful homes, a car, credit card, vacations, etc etc. It is quite different for me. Not that I need for anything, but as we discussed what I should get for a new car (my old lease is ending soon), he thinks getting me the same car as his mom means I am "spoiled", and is suggesting much, much less nice cars. His suggestions apply if I get the car myself, or if he helps me with payments.

I don't really understand his perspective; is he being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? I normally expect wives to come before mothers, but is it okay for the wife to play "second" to her mother in law in this way? I'm so confused, and I don't know what to make of the situation.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

His mother will always be there for him and never will divorce him. he has also known her for much longer. I do see an issue that he sees things as yours and his though.

draconis


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Age 40, first marriage and first serious relationship raises serious red flags for me.

So tell us what is wonderful about him that you want to commit to a marriage?

If you believe that you will always be second fiddle, you'd best weigh that knowledge prior to making any vows.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would think that for a first relationship/marriage at 40 you both might benefit from pre-marriage counseling. He is used to making financial decisions on his own and it's important you both know and agree on how this will work once you marry or I fear you will both end up frustrated with one another where finances are concerned.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

a woman i worked with was married for 10 years. in that time mum was always first, not her. 
he actually got up one day and left the front door and went back to his mothers for good.
i agree with deejo - serious red flags - dont ever put his mother down, you wont come first.


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## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

When you get married, your wife or husband should be the number one person in your life, second only to God Himself, but not second to any other human being, including parents and even children.

I hope it works out for you.

DJ


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dbj1971 said:


> When you get married, your wife or husband should be the number one person in your life, second only to God Himself, but not second to any other human being, including parents and even children.
> 
> I hope it works out for you.
> 
> DJ



I kindly disagree, your children should come before your spouse always.

draconis


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

In my view, a spouse should be the first one if we are strongly committed and deeply in love, but definitely children are the first priority for both husband and wife until they are old enough to persue their own life..........because we created them, they are our responsibility and they deserve our best love and care. I say this because I dont want to put my children first and then suffer when they are gone with their life or end up impossing on them. 

For me, its always my husband who is first and I expect him to do the same. 

gjko,
Usually mother and son relationship can be very strong if he's a only child and his mother has devoted her life caring for him. This happened to my friend who married a only son of a single mom. Guess what, she never ever fully occupied her husband's heart. Do try to find out more about his childhood, this may give you some insight into his bonding with his mom, who knows may be you would come to accept it or discover something that u need to seriously reconsider.


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## loveme (Jun 21, 2008)

Thewife said:


> Do try to find out more about his childhood, this may give you some insight into his bonding with his mom, who knows may be you would come to accept it or discover something that u need to seriously reconsider.


I agree. Definitely there is something in the past that made your husband-to-be so attached to his mother. Come to think of it, first marriage at 40 really do mean that he's not going to let go of his attachment to his mother any time soon. This is a serious matter especially when you do get married and finances become an issue. On the other hand, he must have really, really love you to be getting married at that age so if I were you, I'd find out more about his past before making any vows.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's good that you are questioning this problem BEFORE you get married. Have you been married before? As wives, many of us have had this problem to some degree. However the "degree" you're describing is going to be difficult. 

My husband and I are separated and going to counseling after 21 years of marriage. We've got a lot of issues to deal with, but it's now becoming apparent that the relationship with his mother is involved. Will you be living near his mother after you are married? Although my mother-in-law lives a couple of hours away, she still manages to control some of my husbands decisions. Yep, there have been arguments about that too! I would hate to imagine how difficult it would have been ,if we lived in the same city.

Since he is 40 and has this stronger than usual bond with his mother, you really need to know more about his childhood. From experience, it's a horrible feeling to have your husband always siding with his mother against you. I'm starting to understand more about this thru counseling--at least for us, this goes back to my husband's childhood.

Good luck!


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