# First Therapy Session......



## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

So, session #1 down........many more to go. I spent most of the session correcting my wife's account of our situation. Some of her statements were so inaccurate that all I could do was smile. 

She continually made assumptions to the subjects of my text/emails with ex-wife, misstated several actual occurrences she's blaming her non-existent relationship with my kids by leaving out ALL the things we've done as a family. 

Then continues to attack the subject and recipient of my daughter's text messages while she is with us. She assumed they were all to her Mom, and I questioned if she actually read the messages, so of course my wife said "no", which I responded, then please don't make my daughter out to be some "criminal" in this "investigation". 

My sister-in-law called this type of behavior as "cognitive distortion".........I think she is right.

Many more sessions to come.....hopefully not spent correcting or defending myself.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does your counselor want you to correct and defend yourself? Maybe ask your Dr what he/she wants you to do in the session when that situation comes up. 

A lot of the stuff may just be how she feels, if she is right or wrong to feel that way is to sort out in your sessions but her having the feelings isn't inaccurate.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Does she *have* to make assumptions about the subject your texts/emails with your ex wife because you are not transparent with her? Can't you just show her the texts/emails to prove your case, or is this something you hide from her?


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## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Does your counselor want you to correct and defend yourself? Maybe ask your Dr what he/she wants you to do in the session when that situation comes up.
> 
> A lot of the stuff may just be how she feels, if she is right or wrong to feel that way is to sort out in your sessions but her having the feelings isn't inaccurate.


:iagree:

I was thinking the same thing. Most counselors I've heard of would rather each person let the other person tell their own story, you will have your chance to tell yours from your viewpoint. A good counselor will also see your body language and will know you don't agree with your wives viewpoint.


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## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

Ive offered my phone to wife to read anything she wanted, however she refused and just kept with her attack. I let my wife finish her statements, then i gave my version. Very difficult to be the accused and then sut and listen to distortions of the truth. My texts and emails to my ex wife always have and will be strictly about our kids. There is nothing else we ever need or want to discuss with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

But how about letting her just vent and finish her whole viewpoint. It may be difficult but a lot of things in life are, its for the greater goos. You may see yourself as setting the record straight but she likely sees it as you saying she is unreasonable and has no right to her feelings. Correct assumptions or not, feelings are feelings and no one likes being told they don't have a right to feel.

Editing to add, sometimes I know my feelings are over the top or more related to the jerk my dad is then the man my husband is but still they are there. Someone trying to set the record straight and tell me I have no right to those feelings just creates more feelings and there not loving ones. Luckily my husband sees my need to just feel, alomg with the odd viewpoint that may bring, we talk but he allows me room and at some point I come to the correct conclusion that my husband ia nothing like my dad. Past relationships can affect current viewpoints but if you don't let her talk and shut her down in the name of setting the record straight you will never know from whence they come, the two of you can never move past them. I try to do the same for my husband when he is upset about something (usually work related).


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## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

the2ofus said:


> But how about letting her just vent and finish her whole viewpoint. It may be difficult but a lot of things in life are, its for the greater goos. You may see yourself as setting the record straight but she likely sees it as you saying she is unreasonable and has no right to her feelings. Correct assumptions or not, feelings are feelings and no one likes being told they don't have a right to feel.


I did, to the best of my ability try and contain any commentary to my wife's side of the story. I didn't interrupt, but did clarify and although may not be the most ideal way of handling the situation, I just couldn't sit idle while she generalized and made assumptions passing her opinion as fact. I will certainly ask the therapist next time what her expectations are of us when discussing our issues. 

The "right to feel" is a two way street...............my wife expects me to modify my relationship with my ex (which is only focused on the kids.....I can't reinforce that statement enough), but I'm expected to to modify my personality when it comes to dealing with her Mom. 

Feels very one-sided. Her Mom has no place in our marriage, whereas my kids most certainly do. I've spent a lot of energy over the past 10 years developing the relationship, as a divorced dad, with my kids and to have someone try to say it needs to change is unsettling.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think you need to stop going to your therapist sister-in-law for backup, it's not appropriate to enlist outside "allies" in your marital fights. You already have a counselor who has the chance to hear both of you out.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

BRLA said:


> I did, to the best of my ability try and contain any commentary to my wife's side of the story. I didn't interrupt, but did clarify and although may not be the most ideal way of handling the situation, I just couldn't sit idle while she generalized and made assumptions passing her opinion as fact. I will certainly ask the therapist next time what her expectations are of us when discussing our issues.
> 
> The "right to feel" is a two way street...............my wife expects me to modify my relationship with my ex (which is only focused on the kids.....I can't reinforce that statement enough), but I'm expected to to modify my personality when it comes to dealing with her Mom.
> 
> Feels very one-sided. Her Mom has no place in our marriage, whereas my kids most certainly do. I've spent a lot of energy over the past 10 years developing the relationship, as a divorced dad, with my kids and to have someone try to say it needs to change is unsettling.


Your relationship with her mom and your relationship with your ex are completely separate issues, and you should keep them that way. They have nothing to do with one another, and pointing out what you perceive as hypocrisy is really just irrelevant and a dodge. If she has concerns with your relationship with your ex, right or wrong, address those on their own terms and not in relation to an unrelated gripe she has about something else.


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## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

I agree John Lee, the two issues are separate and yes, only sought some type of support from Sister In Law because I was feeling a bit attacked on my relationship with my kids and their Mom. I don't plan to discuss any further with her as I know it's a huge COI.

Thanks for your advice.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

For what it's worth, I relate to you. I also entered marriage counselling a number of years ago with my wife, who had many behaviors I thought of as "unreasonable" and "difficult." I don't think we really got anywhere in the counselling, and part of that is my fault because I thought we were just going so an objective person could tell her she was wrong. Our marriage has gotten better as I have learned not to completely dismiss or minimize my wife's emotions even when I think they are not "reasonable."


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## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

John Lee said:


> For what it's worth, I relate to you. I also entered marriage counselling a number of years ago with my wife, who had many behaviors I thought of as "unreasonable" and "difficult." I don't think we really got anywhere in the counselling, and part of that is my fault because I thought we were just going so an objective person could tell her she was wrong. Our marriage has gotten better as I have learned not to completely dismiss or minimize my wife's emotions even when I think they are not "reasonable."


Sounds like our situation, well my vantage point at least. My fear is that my wife will see my "understanding" as a weakness and a possibly means of always being validated. A work in progress I guess.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> My sister-in-law called this type of behavior as "cognitive distortion".........I think she is right.


I have a very similar issue with my wife over such things as well. 

She says I am the one who doesn't see things properly yet I find that hard to take being I do my best to try and follow what she wants when she wants it and to why or what effect she feels that it needs to be done. 

Unfortunately to be honest way too often too much of what is getting her wound up are things I either have zero control over or are things that are of such a low concern to me I have never put any thought or concern into their existence. 
Simply put they are things that are too far below my cognitive radar to even register with me let alone dwell on how or why I should do something about them. 

I have my areas of concern in our life and with what goes on around here and I take care of them at my discretion without ever drawing any attention to them while or when they are being done and to be honest I do them with so little second thought I rarely even have to think about them any more. Just do it and be done. 

Sound familiar?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

BRLA said:


> I did, to the best of my ability try and contain any commentary to my wife's side of the story. I didn't interrupt, but did clarify and although may not be the most ideal way of handling the situation, I just couldn't sit idle while she generalized and made assumptions passing her opinion as fact. I will certainly ask the therapist next time what her expectations are of us when discussing our issues.


I don't think you understand the point of the previous advice. The above screams that your perception is the correct one and she is wrong. That is you opinion, but it prevents your wife from discussing these issues. She cna't speak her "truth" because you tell her it is wrong. You can make clear you have a different perception, but when you tell her she is wrong, she likely gets defensive.



> The "right to feel" is a two way street...............my wife expects me to modify my relationship with my ex (which is only focused on the kids.....I can't reinforce that statement enough), but I'm expected to to modify my personality when it comes to dealing with her Mom.
> 
> Feels very one-sided. Her Mom has no place in our marriage, whereas my kids most certainly do. I've spent a lot of energy over the past 10 years developing the relationship, as a divorced dad, with my kids and to have someone try to say it needs to change is unsettling.


Nothing wrong with standing on a boundary. But the solution for a one-way street is not bad behavior going both ways.

I would also advise stop talking to your SIL about your wife. You don't want your mother in your marriage, so why is you SIL being part of it acceptable? Add to it that she is essentially providing a diagnosis based on one side of the story. It is not clear that this situation is helpful to you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

BRLA said:


> Sounds like our situation, well my vantage point at least. My fear is that my wife will see my "understanding" as a weakness and a possibly means of always being validated. A work in progress I guess.


I can understand that it's common to think that way. When DH and I used to argue more, he would make very sure to never give an inch, never attempt to understand my viewpoint, and never apologise. He thinks it's a sign of weakness.

From my point of view, and this is what I try to practice in my life, especially with my kids, is accepting how I've made them feel through my actions and validating it. I was playing ball with my kids, I accidently through it too hard to my daughter and it hurt her hand. I didn't mean to hurt her, there was no bad intent at all, she was hurt but I could've told her to 'get over it, it wasn't intended to hurt you', or I could do what I did and say, 'I'm sorry that I hurt you, I didn't mean to'.

You need to acknowledge that she has a right to feel what she does, she's dealing with a very difficult situation. Yes she went into the marriage knowing you had a relationship with your ex, but dealing with it every day would be so incredibly draining. The near constant texts and emails with another woman... people here are dealing with partners in affairs who do the same thing, not saying you are having one, but is 'having' one and 'acting' like you are having one all that different?

I bet she doesn't want to view the subject because she knows deep down it's not declarations of love and passion, it's about your kids, but it 'feels' like a betrayal to her. It feels like you are choosing another woman to talk to. Your ex is taking her place as your best friend. She probably feels she can never be anything to your kids but the other woman, she wouldn't want to exert all that effort just to continue feeling like the outsider, that would make it even more painful.

I don't know how you fix this, but I think the first step is acknowledging her pain.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

married tech said:


> Unfortunately to be honest way too often too much of what is getting her wound up are things I either have zero control over or are things that are of such a low concern to me I have never put any thought or concern into their existence.
> Simply put they are things that are too far below my cognitive radar to even register with me let alone dwell on how or why I should do something about them.


I know this was the OP so sorry if this is highjacking but I couldn't just let it pass without a look of how it might be construed. For me if something is bugging my husband it is not "too far below" my concern. I found that how we view the others concerns or pet peeves makes all the difference in if they fell loved or not. A loved person (especially with women) tend to have less things bug them. To her saying "this is beneath my concern", could very well be saying to her, " you are beneath my concern.". Not by your intent but nonetheless it's still there.



breeze said:


> I can understand that it's common to think that way. When DH and I used to argue more, he would make very sure to never give an inch, never attempt to understand my viewpoint, and never apologise. He thinks it's a sign of weakness.
> 
> From my point of view, and this is what I try to practice in my life, especially with my kids, is accepting how I've made them feel through my actions and validating it. I was playing ball with my kids, I accidently through it too hard to my daughter and it hurt her hand. I didn't mean to hurt her, there was no bad intent at all, she was hurt but I could've told her to 'get over it, it wasn't intended to hurt you', or I could do what I did and say, 'I'm sorry that I hurt you, I didn't mean to'.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
She may know that her feelings aren't rational but the more you argue your point and the less she feels loved the more they feel rational, vicious cycle. How would you feel if she was constantly contacting another man, one she had been quite intimate with? Not saying you should stop anything, children desperately need their father, you need to communicate with their mother and stay in the game. I applaud you for being an involved dad, we see so many divorced parents where one of them is not. BUT for your wife there will be confusing feelings that come with that, she is not bad for her feelings. She can try to understand but still you are raising children with another person and that is a deep heartfelt thing.

Good luck, this is one of the reasons I steered clear of single fathers. I knew I'd be upset if they weren't a great dad but also knew it would be hard if they were. Sorry, it's a tough situation and I feel for both of you.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I know this was the OP so sorry if this is highjacking but I couldn't just let it pass without a look of how it might be construed. For me if something is bugging my husband it is not "too far below" my concern. I found that how we view the others concerns or pet peeves makes all the difference in if they fell loved or not. A loved person (especially with women) tend to have less things bug them. To her saying "this is beneath my concern", could very well be saying to her, " you are beneath my concern.". Not by your intent but nonetheless it's still there.


Now how does that work when she could care less abut my concerns and it doesn't bother me one bit being I know that they are of little to no importance to anyone but me? :scratchhead:


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

married tech said:


> Now how does that work when she could care less abut my concerns and it doesn't bother me one bit being I know that they are of little to no importance to anyone but me? :scratchhead:


Maybe it's a male female thing. My comment is coming from what I've heard a lot from women and what I've felt myself. All I know is when my husband says he cares about my concerns because he cares about me I feel loved. And from what I've heard from women over the last 20 years I don't think I'm the only one.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Maybe it's a male female thing. My comment is coming from what I've heard a lot from women and what I've felt myself. All I know is when my husband says he cares about my concerns because he cares about me I feel loved. And from what I've heard from women over the last 20 years I don't think I'm the only one.


Fair enough. 

But what if you husband continually worked himself up to the point he lashes out at you constantly over things that are not reasonable, rational or within you or anyone else's control? 

Would you still hold those concerns as valid and worth your efforts to put up with? 

Example 1.

The weather man predicted that today was going to be sunny and light winds but today turned out to be cloudy and windy. He jumps all over your butt about it because the weatherman grew up in the same town as you and by proxy now everyone in that town including you are idiots who can't do their job right.

Example 2. 

He put his vehicle in the ditch on the way to work because he was driving too fast for the conditions but takes it out on you because you didn't warn him to drive safe because it might be icy out before he left and his concern is that there is something wrong with the tires on his vehicle now because he feels they should not have slipped so easily on the icy road. 

Example 3. 

One of your friendly neighbors calls ans asks about having a friendly get together some time in the next week or two so he goes off the deep end cleaning and scrubbing the whole house top to bottom literally on hands and knees hand scrubbing the rugs to an OCD level of detail and now expects that you will not walk on those rugs until after the neighbor visits because you never pitched in. Not that he ever asked you to while doing it.

Example 4.

He decides that at some long distance past point since you commented that the ceilings in the house should be painted some day and now you are a lazy ass for not having gotten around to it although since said conversation two plus years ago it has never been brought up once. 

Would you still take his concerns seriously if you went through these sort of fusses and accusations multiple times a week? 

It's largely why I don't put much concern into my wife's any more. I don't have that level of imagination and whatever else it is that allows her to come up with such rationalizations and reasoning's thus I have to say that her concerns tend to fall well below my radar.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I'd say to the man yelling at me, "what the h*ll have you done to my husband, give him back"

My replies
#1~ "you might not want to say that so loud, you don't want everyone knowing you were stupid enough to marry such an idiot."

#3~ "how did you get 5 minutes where none of the 6 kids were messing it up." Or " we should have people over more often" or (due to the # of people in our house) "good luck with that"

#4~ "obviously you are the one concerned about it, so why haven't you done it!

Your point is well taken, that wouldn't go over well here. You are her scapegoat, she doesn't just want someone to be concerned, she wants someone to blame. But still I stand by my statement for MANY relationships. Most of the time, give them what they need and you'll be amazed at the results.

Came back to add, my husband and I don't go off on each other, ever. Even in the middle of a "fight" we are trying to understand each other. My responses would be to the crazy man who took my husband. We both show concern for the other so it works. Many times one of the people have to take that first step but there are other times that there is a basic lack of respect and that is different.


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