# Should I post this on the OM's facebook page?



## trueblu8

Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?

How do you feel about yourself knowing that you destroyed a marriage by having an affair with a man's wife? Not only have you destroyed our marriage but my daughter's future as well. Now she can't be together with her mommy and daddy the way she wants. She keeps telling me don't give up daddy, keep trying with mommy. But what she doesn't understand is as long as this affair goes on there's no fixing our marriage. I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok. Not only did you not do that but you gave me a fake name as well. What kind of person are you? How can you live with yourself? You think God would approve of what you've done? It's not too late. You can still make things right. I'm asking you respectfully once more. Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


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## cool12

only if you want everyone to know your wife sleeps around.




trueblu8 said:


> Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?
> 
> 
> 
> How do you feel about yourself knowing that you destroyed a marriage by having an affair with a man's wife? Not only have you destroyed our marriage but my daughter's future as well. Now she can't be together with her mommy and daddy the way she wants. She keeps telling me don't give up daddy, keep trying with mommy. But what she doesn't understand is as long as this affair goes on there's no fixing our marriage. I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok. Not only did you not do that but you gave me a fake name as well. What kind of person are you? How can you live with yourself? You think God would approve of what you've done? It's not too late. You can still make things right. I'm asking you respectfully once more. Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


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## Truthseeker1

trueblu8 said:


> Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?
> 
> How do you feel about yourself knowing that you destroyed a marriage by having an affair with a man's wife? Not only have you destroyed our marriage but my daughter's future as well. Now she can't be together with her mommy and daddy the way she wants. She keeps telling me don't give up daddy, keep trying with mommy. But what she doesn't understand is as long as this affair goes on there's no fixing our marriage. I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok. Not only did you not do that but you gave me a fake name as well. What kind of person are you? How can you live with yourself? You think God would approve of what you've done? It's not too late. You can still make things right. I'm asking you respectfully once more. Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


I would not post this - you are begging him to stop what he is doing. This won't help matters.


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## NextTimeAround

What you wrote there sounds as if you are begging. An image that you do not want of yourself. 

It is useful to inform 3rd parties about your partner's activities, but give some serious thought as to whom and how.


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## PBear

You can go ahead and do that, but he'll get notification of it right away and he can remove it, plus it's your wife who's chosing to continue on with him. What are you doing to get HER to stop the affair?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12

if you WW was truly remorseful and wanted to R you wouldn't need to address the OM at all.


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## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?
> 
> How do you feel about yourself knowing that you destroyed a marriage by having an affair with a man's wife? Not only have you destroyed our marriage but my daughter's future as well. Now she can't be together with her mommy and daddy the way she wants. She keeps telling me don't give up daddy, keep trying with mommy. But what she doesn't understand is as long as this affair goes on there's no fixing our marriage. I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok. Not only did you not do that but you gave me a fake name as well. What kind of person are you? How can you live with yourself? You think God would approve of what you've done? It's not too late. You can still make things right. I'm asking you respectfully once more. Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


Well, I wouldn't post ^that... at least not w/o some heavy editing. Sorry, but it just comes off a bit too milquetoast. Either way, if you wind up posting anything, make sure that you "tag" your wife.

Oh and hey, how old is your daughter? And how sure are you that she's actually your (biological) daughter?


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## Openminded

Don't. Makes you sound weak.


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## trueblu8

Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


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## Truthseeker1

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


If you want to expose him there are ways to do it without begging him to stop sleeping with your wife.


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## jnj express

Stop respectfully asking the jerk who is sleeping with your so called wife---yes he is a POS homewrecker-----BUT----your beef lies with the person who took holy sacred vows with you---your so called wife

It is obvious she doesn't want the A to end---you need to put D on the tale----YESTERDAY, and enuff with acting like a little child in re: the lover----if you want a piece of him, file a civil suit for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress----otherwise forget he exists----and put your effort where it belongs---on your cheating wife


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## PhillyGuy13

Is the OM married? If so make sure his wife is aware. 

He would either delete the post right away, or if he is like me, all posts to his page must be approved first. So it won't get the desired effect.

Here's a tip. He doesn't give a rats a$s about you or your daughter. If he did he wouldn't be boning your wife. You know who should care about your daughter? Her mother. Clearly she is unfit, if she is stepping out with other men, EVEN after you have caught her the first(?) time. 

As stated above, what is she doing to save your marriage, and help your daughter? Sounds like jack.sh!t. Remove her.


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## happyman64

Post it on her FB page and embarrass her if it will make you feel better.

But in the end it will only make you feel better temporarily and probably give you more grief.

The OM does not care about you, your daughter or your marriage.

Sadly neither does your wife.....


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## PhillyGuy13

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


Not at we are saying at all. You are focusing your efforts on the wrong person.


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## NextTimeAround

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


I am all for embarrassing someone as long as I don't take myself down with it.

The biggest damage that you could do to the OM would be
1. telling his SO with as complete of info as you have and long before he has any idea that you plan to do that
2. telling his boss
3. telling any other organisation that he is a part of that values its reputation.

You really are better off at being selective in to whom you expose.


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## lenzi

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


Stop trying to convince your wife to give up the affair.

It's just lame and pathetic and it won't work.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> Clearly she is unfit, if she is stepping out with other men


I don't agree that a woman who has an affair is necessarily an unfit parent.

An unfit spouse.. maybe, probably. But not an unfit parent.

It's like saying a guy who robs a bank is an unfit father or something.


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## Philat

trueblu8 said:


> Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?
> 
> How do you feel about yourself knowing that you destroyed a marriage by having an affair with a man's wife? Not only have you destroyed our marriage but my daughter's future as well. Now she can't be together with her mommy and daddy the way she wants. She keeps telling me don't give up daddy, keep trying with mommy. But what she doesn't understand is as long as this affair goes on there's no fixing our marriage. I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok. Not only did you not do that but you gave me a fake name as well. What kind of person are you? How can you live with yourself? You think God would approve of what you've done? It's not too late. You can still make things right. I'm asking you respectfully once more. Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


What do you mean "fake name"? How did you contact him in the first place or find him on FB with a "fake name"?


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## trueblu8

How do we add a signature on here? Anyhow this is our info.

Me:39 Her:35
Daughter: 6
Married: 11
Together: 13
D-day: 5.7.14
She left: 1.26.14
Status: Separated 

And yes the child is mine. She's a great woman, aside from her infidelity, which she blames on me.


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## Jellybeans

No.

Don't.

But you could post something like "X has affairs with married women. Just a warning to everyone out there that he has a thing for going after married women."


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## Openminded

Focus your energy on your wife. If he's out of the picture then she could well find another OM. On and on and on. It's her you should be worrying about.


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## PhillyGuy13

trueblu8 said:


> How do we add a signature on here? Anyhow this is our info.
> 
> Me:39 Her:35
> Daughter: 6
> Married: 11
> Together: 13
> D-day: 5.7.14
> She left: 1.26.14
> Status: Separated
> 
> And yes the child is mine. She's a great woman, aside from her infidelity, which she blames on me.


Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

So she left in January. You found our about the OM in May. When did she begin seeing him? Why did she leave in the first place?


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## happy as a clam

So she's been gone for 6 months, presumably to be with the OM?

If so, what's the point to put it on FB now? The time to do it was BEFORE she left when you might have had a chance to expose, embarrass and nip the affair in the bud.

OTOH, if you want people to know he's a d*uche, send letters or emails to his boss, coworkers, etc. directly explaining that he pursued and b*nged your wife, breaking up your marriage and your family. Many of them might not care, but it will sure make for some good fodder around the water cooler at his office.

Finally, if you REALLY want his FB friends to know, forget posting it on his wall. Just send a private message to everyone on his friend list. Then you don't have to worry about him hastily taking it down. You can send messages without actually being their FB friend. But no begging. Just tell everyone what a d*uche he is for breaking up your marriage.


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## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?
> 
> How do you feel about yourself knowing that you destroyed a marriage by having an affair with a man's wife? Not only have you destroyed our marriage but my daughter's future as well. Now she can't be together with her mommy and daddy the way she wants. She keeps telling me don't give up daddy, keep trying with mommy. But what she doesn't understand is as long as this affair goes on there's no fixing our marriage. I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok. Not only did you not do that but you gave me a fake name as well. What kind of person are you? How can you live with yourself? You think God would approve of what you've done? It's not too late. You can still make things right. I'm asking you respectfully once more. Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


It's not that I don't understand your desperation. But if your goal is to expose the POSOM to make the A more difficult; there is a way to do it without coming off as so weak. Why in the world would you say anything to him "respectfully"? If you want to post about him; make it fact based and non-emotional. Put him on CV and send fb messages to his friends/family/workplace - not to him. 

You can't expect sympathy from this POS. All you would be doing is telling the world that you can't stop your wife from cheating, that you don't have the stones to leave her, and that you're willing to beg her AP to stop. I don't mean to rub salt in your wound but that is pathetic.

Instead; focus on where the problem originates - your wife.


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## lenzi

trueblu8;9617873 I asked you respectfully to stop and let us work on our marriage and you said ok[/QUOTE said:


> How did you ask him respectfully to stop banging your wife? And he kept right on at it?
> 
> Did you say.."Excuse me sir, would you please stop having sex with my wife?"
> 
> "No? ok then.."
> 
> You really need to find the strength to walk away from her.


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## PhillyGuy13

CV = cheaterville.com


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## 3putt

You should read this and follow it to the letter. Couldn't hurt, although sooner would've been much better.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## toonaive

Absolutely not! Just makes you look weak. You cannot guilt him into giving up your wife. He already has none. Dont even bother trying to guilt your wife back. That wont work either, at least not for long.


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## trueblu8

I got his cell phone number and called him. That was two months ago. 

She's 35, he's 22 and is a model and basically has the body of a stripper. I'm 39 and have packed on the pounds since we got married. She lost the sexual attraction for me and found what she wanted with this guy. I have since lost half the weight I put on after getting married and am on my way to losing the rest. But even when I do get down to my original marriage weight I will never be as young or look as good as this guy. And I'm afraid now that my wife has tasted forbidden pleasure she will always want that from now on and even if we reconcile she will be miserable and always be longing for this guy.

So what you guys are saying is that the OM is a pos and it's useless to try and embarrass him or talk any sense to him. All of my focus should be on my wife.


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## murphy5

you might post a link on his facebook page to your cheaterville site post exposing him! :rofl:

That way he can not simply delete it once it is out


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## PhillyGuy13

He's single and 22? All a posting on FB or CV will do is give him and his buddies a good laugh at your expense. Don't waste your time. 

Look, I'm 41. Despite my boyish good looks, I probably can't compare to a lot of 22 year olds. But, my wife has the willpower to not go out and pursue any hot young guys (I hope).

Did your wife begin seeing him before she moved out in January? What was the agreement as far as seeing other people? Does she have a plan to come back home? Or does she just want to live the single life?


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## vellocet

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


No. Focus your efforts on the main problem....your cheating wife. Yes, OM has a responsibility in all of this, but nowhere close to your wife. Quit treating her with kid gloves.


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## warlock07

Destroy this guy if you have to, but don't beg him appealing to his sense of honor. What kind of decent guy sleeps with a married woman with a family ?

And why did you not kick your wife out yet and file for divorce ? Decent nice guys like you are utterly destroyed during affairs when you try to do the right thing


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## vellocet

lenzi said:


> An unfit spouse.. maybe, probably. But not an unfit parent.


I do. Or more accurately, as long as both parents are equally fit in every other way to be a parent, the BS is more of a fit parent than the WS who didn't care enough to refrain from doing something detrimental to their child. Not to mention not being a piss poor example for their kids.



> It's like saying a guy who robs a bank is an unfit father or something.


So you'd trust your child to a felon/criminal?


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## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> So what you guys are saying is that the OM is a pos and it's useless to try and embarrass him or talk any sense to him. All of my focus should be on my wife.


Yes, except for the embarrass him part. That's not a problem as long as you don't embarrass yourself in the process.

And, instead of worrying about losing her - she should be worried about losing you. If/when she gets to that point, maybe she'll demonstrate some remorse and you'll have a starting point for R.


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## warlock07

trueblu8 said:


> I got his cell phone number and called him. That was two months ago.
> 
> She's 35, he's 22 and is a model and basically has the body of a stripper. I'm 39 and have packed on the pounds since we got married. She lost the sexual attraction for me and found what she wanted with this guy. I have since lost half the weight I put on after getting married and am on my way to losing the rest. But even when I do get down to my original marriage weight I will never be as young or look as good as this guy. And I'm afraid now that my wife has tasted forbidden pleasure she will always want that from now on and even if we reconcile she will be miserable and always be longing for this guy.
> 
> So what you guys are saying is that the OM is a pos and it's useless to try and embarrass him or talk any sense to him. All of my focus should be on my wife.



Why is self respect and divorce not an option ?

Where does this guy work ? 

Find his parents and family and message them if you can... He will dump your wife immediately when she is more trouble than it is worth.

But the issue here is your wife cheating on you. She will find another guy. What about then ?


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## jnj express

If your wife blew up a perfectly good mge, and wrecked her child's life, for she has, as that child no matter what, is going to be affected negatively by what has come down------OVER SOME GUYS PHYSIQUE, and what might, and I say might, be some hot passion attached to his physique----I have no idea how you could even look at her w/out puking----she is nothing but a shallow despicable person herself----and no she is not a FIT MOTHER----one who wrecks a family for the above reason---IS THE WORST EXAMPLE OF A MOTHER THAT EXISTS

Tis time you got a D, asked for as much custody as you can get, and moved on---there are women out there, lots of them, who are not despicable jerks such as your wife IS


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## trueblu8

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
> 
> So she left in January. You found our about the OM in May. When did she begin seeing him? Why did she leave in the first place?


She started seeing him in November according to the phone records I went over. I was so stupid. All the signs were there. But I was too trusting and gullible. She started coming home late from work saying she had to work late or had stopped by her family's house. This became a regular thing and I started getting upset by it telling her that we can see her family on the weekends that she doesn't need to stop over there every day of the week. Then she started saying that she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Our sex life took a dive. It was infrequent and she told me she felt obligated to do it with me and that I was the only one enjoying it. She made excuses for why she left at the end of January. She says it was cause I went out drinking with my friends and got into a little fender bender. I barely ever go out like that, maybe only once or twice a year. She also says it's cause I didn't want to get a regular job outside the house. I fix computers from home and am a stay at home dad. I pay all the bills. She pays for nothing. She has a job and works, but all her money is for her. I take my daughter to and from school every day. When she moved out in the end of January she took my daughter with her to live at her brother's house while she continues with the OM. She says they are in love and want to get an apartment together. I have worked hard losing weight and doing the things that she's always wanted, but she says it is too late and that why didn't I do them before, before her feelings had changed. I have gone on the divorce busters site and am trying to follow the 37 rules. But I have broken many of them already. I've told most of her family and have tried to get them to help. But they tell me sorry she is deaf and blind right now and there is nothing anyone can do.


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## youkiddingme

No, what I would tell him is to be looking over his shoulder because I am about to blow up his world! Don't be a whining begging wimp. Come on strong and tell him that you are not about to lose everything that matters most to you without a fight. Sound like a man and not a wimp.


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## trueblu8

lenzi said:


> Stop trying to convince your wife to give up the affair.
> 
> It's just lame and pathetic and it won't work.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't agree that a woman who has an affair is necessarily an unfit parent.
> 
> An unfit spouse.. maybe, probably. But not an unfit parent.
> 
> It's like saying a guy who robs a bank is an unfit father or something.


Yes. I agree. She is a fantastic mother and woman aside from the infidelity.


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## PhillyGuy13

lenzi said:


> I don't agree that a woman who has an affair is necessarily an unfit parent.
> 
> An unfit spouse.. maybe, probably. But not an unfit parent.


We can agree to disagree here. Granted, it was after you posted we found out some of the details. 

But a woman who moves out away from her young child, to carry on an affair with a much younger man? That young girl needs her mother in the home, no?

Methinks there are also many more details to this situation than we know...


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## OpenEnded

No. Do not post anything on FB. OP sounds very weak, codependent and begging. 

On my opinion here is what you need to do:

Prepare yourself for your future life with or without your 'wife'.

Follow the 180 rules. Until you realize that you are in control of your destiny and you are fully capable of making yourself happy without constant need of external validation.

Then decide what to do and how to deal with POSOM.


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## Satya

It'd be short-lived revenge. He could delete that comment in 5 seconds if he has push notifications.


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## lenzi

PhillyGuy13 said:


> But a woman who moves out away from her young child, to carry on an affair with a much younger man? That young girl needs her mother in the home, no?
> 
> Methinks there are also many more details to this situation than we know...


Oh.. didn't realize she moved out and away from her young child (I thought she took the child with her when she moved). 

If that's the case she doesn't meet the qualifications for mother of the year, that's for sure.



vellocet said:


> the BS is more of a fit parent than the WS who didn't care enough to refrain from doing something detrimental to their child. Not to mention not being a piss poor example for their kids.


An affair is not necessarily detrimental a child.



vellocet said:


> So you'd trust your child to a felon/criminal?


Not necessarily but that doesn't mean the felon/criminal is a bad parent.


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## Gabriel

No 22 year old guy who is built like a model is going to stick with a 35+ year old woman for very long. She is very likely a playtoy for him - someone he can brag to his buddies about. And frankly, the reverse is true too. She's just enjoying the sex. You think they're having meaningful, soul-connecting conversations? Please.

See, this will run its course in due time - when it does, do NOT make your self immediately available to your wife. Don't let her run back to you, her safety net. Make her think you aren't an option.


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## PhillyGuy13

No...daughter apparently went with mom. She lives with her, OP takes her to and from school.

A mess all around.

ETA: she's a great woman and a fantastic mother. 

Apparently I was wrong.


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## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> Yes. I agree. She is a fantastic mother and woman aside from the infidelity.


Cheater does not = a fantastic woman. There is no "aside".

Look, I'm sorry but I don't see much chance for your marriage. But if there is even the slightest chance it can be saved; it will only be because you start the divorce process, implement the 180 to detach from her, and expect to move on with your life without her. If that doesn't get her attention, nothing will. You can't nice her back. You can't lose weight to get her back.


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## OpenEnded

lenzi said:


> Stop trying to convince your wife to
> 
> I don't agree that a woman who has an affair is necessarily an unfit parent.
> 
> An unfit spouse.. maybe, probably. But not an unfit parent.
> 
> *It's like saying a guy who robs a bank is an unfit father or something*.



Totally. You are right on the money. This is great way to teach your kids risky but highly profitable enterprise. Also they'd get the benefits of remote parenting from early on.


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## toonaive

You need to get cold as ice towards your wife, and play serious hardball!
This is now all about you and your child. Get things in order and file. Have her served! Consult an attorney, before, and figure out what you need to divorce your wife, and walk away with everything, best case scenario. She treated you and your child very poorly. Its way past time to flip things around on her. I speak from far too many years dealing with this with my almost XW. When you spin her head around, then is the time to decides if R is in the cards. From my experience, from what you describe, I think your chances of successful R, are slim.


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## OpenEnded

lenzi said:


> Not necessarily but that doesn't mean the felon/criminal is a bad parent.


Yep. Felons make the greatest parents ...
:smthumbup:


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## trueblu8

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He's single and 22? All a posting on FB or CV will do is give him and his buddies a good laugh at your expense. Don't waste your time.
> 
> Look, I'm 41. Despite my boyish good looks, I probably can't compare to a lot of 22 year olds. But, my wife has the willpower to not go out and pursue any hot young guys (I hope).
> 
> Did your wife begin seeing him before she moved out in January? What was the agreement as far as seeing other people? Does she have a plan to come back home? Or does she just want to live the single life?


She started seeing him in November. This behavior all started when her parents retired and moved back to their country. Then she started hanging with her younger girl cousins and sister-in-law. They are all in their early 20's. Her father was very strict and I think she just got married to me to get out from under him. Although she says this is not true and she loved me very much.


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## Q tip

Beta Beta Beta

Read up on MMSLP


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## Gabriel

trueblu8 said:


> Her father was very strict and I think she just got married to me to get out from under him. Although she says this is not true and she loved me very much.


Then why do you think that?


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## vellocet

trueblu8 said:


> Yes. I agree. She is a fantastic mother and woman aside from the infidelity.


As a good father, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing something so destructive to my kids' well being.

Sorry, but if I would have cheated on their mother and risked their well being like that, I wouldn't consider myself a good father, much less a good man.


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## trueblu8

warlock07 said:


> Why is self respect and divorce not an option ?
> 
> Where does this guy work ?
> 
> Find his parents and family and message them if you can... He will dump your wife immediately when she is more trouble than it is worth.
> 
> But the issue here is your wife cheating on you. She will find another guy. What about then ?


They both work at a high school. She is a lunch lady and he works security.


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## trueblu8

warlock07 said:


> Why is self respect and divorce not an option ?
> 
> Where does this guy work ?
> 
> Find his parents and family and message them if you can... He will dump your wife immediately when she is more trouble than it is worth.
> 
> But the issue here is your wife cheating on you. She will find another guy. What about then ?


I have thought about contacting his mother and their place of work.


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## lenzi

OpenEnded said:


> Totally. You are right on the money. This is great way to teach your kids risky but highly profitable enterprise. Also they'd get the benefits of remote parenting from early on.





OpenEnded said:


> Yep. Felons make the greatest parents ...
> :smthumbup:


If you're going to quote me then please keep the facts straight.

I never said anything about felons. 

You make the assumption that they get caught.


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## Wolf9

SAHDs generally have low sex rank than average . You need get job & life back in order for recovery with or without her. Chances of reconciliation are very slim even in case of ending of affair. She will probably going to date other people, looks like case of emotionally checked out long time ago.


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## trueblu8

Gabriel said:


> No 22 year old guy who is built like a model is going to stick with a 35+ year old woman for very long. She is very likely a playtoy for him - someone he can brag to his buddies about. And frankly, the reverse is true too. She's just enjoying the sex.  You think they're having meaningful, soul-connecting conversations? Please.
> 
> See, this will run its course in due time - when it does, do NOT make your self immediately available to your wife. Don't let her run back to you, her safety net. Make her think you aren't an option.


I hope you are right. I also hope she doesn't come off the pill and get pregnant to try and cement the relationship.


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## Iver

So how tall are you and what did you weigh at your heaviest?

Your wife apparently is someone who a 22 "model" is willing to be with? Were you very mismatched in the looks department?

Look, no 22 guy is getting into a serious long term with a 30ish woman with a kid. Ain't gonna happen.

What you have to ask yourself is what is wrong with your wife that she is acting like this with a kid. Think long and hard about that.

Read MMSL by Athol Kay and get started on a Paleo diet today.


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## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> I have thought about contacting his mother and their place of work.


trublu,

You are focusing on the wrong thing. *She has left you for another man.* Where is your anger? Once it get's to that point it's insanity to think of any other strategy than to start the *DIVORCE*. Have her served asap. Stop living in limbo misery, waiting for him to dump her. 

Improve yourself, get in shape, get some new clothes, get a new haircut, get some counseling, stay busy and *MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.* Think of your life in the future with another woman that will be faithful to you. You can get through this.


----------



## Clay2013

Seems this thread is all over the place today. Personally OP I suggest you start focusing on you and your child and walk away from your wife all together. It does sound like she left a long time ago. 


Sorry your having to deal with this. 

Clay


----------



## trueblu8

PhillyGuy13 said:


> No...daughter apparently went with mom. She lives with her, OP takes her to and from school.
> 
> A mess all around.
> 
> ETA: she's a great woman and a fantastic mother.
> 
> Apparently I was wrong.


Correct. There is one thing upsetting me though. My wife wants to take her out of her school where she is doing extremely well at and where all of her friends are. She says it is too far from the brother's house where she is living now and that she would be in the same grade with her little cousin that goes there. Fact is she is in a level 1 school now that's in a pretty decent neighborhood, the other school is a level 2 school in a not so great neighborhood. This upsets me that she wants to mess with our daughters stability like that.


----------



## Forest

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


I think the consensus is just that this pleading tone is too pathetic. That's not even getting into the issue of why your wife is treating you this way.

How about another tactic? Something like a Cheaterville post that you can email to his Facebook friends? Don't beg for your wife back, just expose him as a low life cheating dog.

I wish duels were still in fashion, and legal.


----------



## trueblu8

badmemory said:


> Cheater does not = a fantastic woman. There is no "aside".
> 
> Look, I'm sorry but I don't see much chance for your marriage. But if there is even the slightest chance it can be saved; it will only be because you start the divorce process, implement the 180 to detach from her, and expect to move on with your life without her. If that doesn't get her attention, nothing will. You can't nice her back. You can't lose weight to get her back.


I'm scared. They said on the divorce buster's site that if you have any intention of reconciling your marriage to never ever mention the D word.


----------



## PBear

If you were a stay at home dad, why does your wife have custody? Have you gotten any legal protection? As the primary caregiver, your first focus should be getting custody of your daughter. 

You're not giving any money to your wife, are you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> I'm scared. They said on the divorce buster's site that if you have any intention of reconciling your marriage to never ever mention the D word.


You don't mention it. You don't threaten it. You just do it.


----------



## vellocet

lenzi said:


> An affair is not necessarily detrimental a child.


Only way its not is if the BS sucks it up and takes back the cheater and the affair is kept a secret.

If the affair destroys a marriage, it most certainly is detrimental to their well being.

Either way, the cheater risked their kids' well being by doing something that just might break up their home.




> Not necessarily but that doesn't mean the felon/criminal is a bad parent.


Really?? Doing a criminal activity that lands one in prison not being able to take care of their child is a GOOD parent?

Really?


----------



## Nostromo

Truthseeker1 said:


> If you want to expose him there are ways to do it without begging him to stop sleeping with your wife.


:iagree: To the OP please understand that nobody here is defending the OM, in fact there would be a collective "meh" at best if he happened to fall in a pit of lava. However I struggle to think of any action that could be more detrimental to "winning" back your cheating wife than you pleading with him to stop sleeping with her. 
Your wife will lose whatever sliver of respect she still has for you, the OM will likely have a good laugh at your expense and you will feel even more awful than you do now. For the love of everything holy please don't post that. You are coming at this from a skewed perspective thinking that the OM has a conscience, I could almost guarantee you that this is not the case.


----------



## trueblu8

vellocet said:


> As a good father, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing something so destructive to my kids' well being.
> 
> Sorry, but if I would have cheated on their mother and risked their well being like that, I wouldn't consider myself a good father, much less a good man.


I agree. And I have told her this. Cheating is one thing, but abandoning the marital household and breaking up the marriage is another thing completely. I told her even if she got fat I would have never left her and did this to my daughter and her.


----------



## lenzi

vellocet said:


> Really?? Doing a criminal activity that lands one in prison not being able to take care of their child is a GOOD parent?


The example I gave was that of a bank robber.

Not all bank robbers are caught and imprisoned, some bank robbers may very well be stellar parents.

A person cannot be a good parent while they're incarcerated but they could be a good parent after they're paroled.



vellocet said:


> If the affair destroys a marriage, it most certainly is detrimental to their well being.
> 
> Either way, the cheater risked their kids' well being by doing something that just might break up their home.


What if the home life was a mess, and there was a lot of conflict and maybe abuse?

Very often the kids are better off with the parents divorced and living apart rather than in an intact home with two parents who are at war with one another.


----------



## trueblu8

Wolf9 said:


> SAHDs generally have low sex rank than average . You need get job & life back in order for recovery with or without her. Chances of reconciliation are very slim even in case of ending of affair. She will probably going to date other people, looks like case of emotionally checked out long time ago.


I have a feeling you are right about this. If this guy doesn't work out, and now that she has tasted forbidden pleasure and has enjoyed being with a hot younger guy, I think that is what she will be after from now on. She is still very good looking and has a smoking hot body for a 35 year old mother so she should have no problem doing this. Just makes me sad though. She has totally trashed her image and destroyed our family.


----------



## manfromlamancha

TruBlu, sorry to have you here. You sound like you are in the UK - let me know if you are because there may be more specific ways to make life tough for the POSOM. Also it would be interesting to know where your wife is from.

Now to the matter in hand, let me see if I got this right.


You met your wife when she was 22 and you were 26 (pretty young) and got married 2 years later.

She did not get to have much of a wild time as a young girl with a domineering strict father.

She gets a job and gets to keep all her money with you supporting her and your child while she spent her money on what?

She sees you as not measuring up to men because you work from home unlike "real" men.

After 13 years of being with you along comes Don Juan the security guard who is much younger and fitter and he decides to tap the lunch lady at school (is she the fittest of the women at this school or is he tapping others as well?) and she responds to it because she is lustful. She starts thinking with her ***** instead of her brain and goes for it.

During this lusty episode she rewrites her marital history and amplifies every single thing that she considered wrong in the marriage to justify her despicable and disrespectful behaviour.

For all you know, this might not have been her first episode during these 11 years.

She is a liar and a cheat and will continue to lie to justify what she is doing.

There is no way security man and her are going to ride off into the sunset and be happy and I don't think either of them expect that. Right now, she may at best be someone to help him pay shared bills and expenses and provide sex on a regular basis till he moves on and/or tires of her.

She on the other hand, at 35, is readying herself to sample as many of these young men (and maybe also not so young men) that she can find and live it up with no thought for you or the consequences for your child.

SO HOW IS THIS WOMAN A FANTASTIC WOMAN OR A FANTASTIC MOTHER ?

There is actually no reason for her to return to you right now. None.

And your response is to politely ask this 22 yr old dud-head to stop and threaten him with a posting on Facebook. That would be like placing an ad for him - all wayward married women and others will know that he is available for bedding and all his buddies will be viewing him with new admiration.  Not to mention you looking extremely weak and pathetic.

So in my humble opinion, what you need to do is:


Definitely expose the affair to their place of work and get both of them fired if possible.

Rain any kind of hell that you can on the POSOM.

Post him on Cheaterville and privately message some of us the link so that we can drive the hit count up. This will cause the CV link to start appearing early on Google searches and will mess with his ability to find other work once you get him fired from the school.

Lawyer up and start getting to know your rights and position. Also threaten the school with assisting alienation of affection. You might just end up with a big fat cheque from them to keep you quiet while they deal with them.

Expose to the family and any close friends that could help you disrupt this affair.

Protect your assets, finances and custody to your kid.

Do the 180 to heal and better yourself. Do not under any circumstances beg or ask her to come back AND certainly do not ask the POSOM.

File for D immediately and have her served.

Work on yourself physically. Go to the gym or whatever. Buy new clothes. Get a better look going.

After all of this, she might just remember the man she married and she might start to really regret what she is doing. And it will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence. In any case, she needs to start facing consequences.

Do not dilly dally with this - do it asap as time is important.


----------



## cool12

trueblu8 said:


> Correct. There is one thing upsetting me though. My wife wants to take her out of her school where she is doing extremely well at and where all of her friends are. She says it is too far from the brother's house where she is living now and that she would be in the same grade with her little cousin that goes there. Fact is she is in a level 1 school now that's in a pretty decent neighborhood, the other school is a level 2 school in a not so great neighborhood. This upsets me that she wants to mess with our daughters stability like that.



yep you're right. 
mother of the year.


----------



## vellocet

lenzi said:


> The example I gave was that of a bank robber.
> 
> Not all bank robbers are caught and imprisoned, some bank robbers may very well be stellar parents.


Just like not all cheaters are caught. But the still RISK their kids' well being by doing something that, if caught, could break up the family. Not talking about being caught, talking about risk.

If I would have cheated on their mother, assuming she wasn't already a POS cheater, then I would have risked my kids' family life, home, well being, financial well being, etc.




> A person cannot be a good parent while they're incarcerated but they could be a good parent after they're paroled.


But they still aren't as fit a parent as the other who is NOT a criminal.




> What if the home life was a mess, and there was a lot of conflict and maybe abuse?


Could be, but that's not what we are talking about here.

We can "what if" it all day long.

Bottom line, someone who cheats on their spouse also cheats on their kids and does RISK their well being.


----------



## Forest

I missed the part about them both working at a HS. If you really want to blow it apart, just let 1 kid in the school know about it.

Nothing you could do could match what those kids can dream up.


----------



## Thorburn

This is a train wreck.

It is well overdue for you to remove yourself from this.

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Lawyer up and don't tell your wife. Try for full custody.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Also try and get a restraining order keeping the POSOM away from your daughter.


----------



## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> I got his cell phone number and called him. That was two months ago.
> 
> She's 35, he's 22 and is a model and basically has the body of a stripper. I'm 39 and have packed on the pounds since we got married. She lost the sexual attraction for me and found what she wanted with this guy. I have since lost half the weight I put on after getting married and am on my way to losing the rest. But even when I do get down to my original marriage weight I will never be as young or look as good as this guy. And I'm afraid now that my wife has tasted forbidden pleasure she will always want that from now on and even if we reconcile she will be miserable and always be longing for this guy.
> 
> So what you guys are saying is that the OM is a pos and it's useless to try and embarrass him or talk any sense to him. All of my focus should be on my wife.


Well, seeing as how he'll most likely dump her before too long, I wouldn't worry about it. Just divorce her, keep working on yourself, and then start pulling in "young 'uns" of your own.


----------



## GusPolinski

Gabriel said:


> No 22 year old guy who is built like a model is going to stick with a 35+ year old woman for very long. She is very likely a playtoy for him - someone he can brag to his buddies about. And frankly, the reverse is true too. She's just enjoying the sex. You think they're having meaningful, soul-connecting conversations? Please.
> 
> See, this will run its course in due time - when it does, do NOT make your self immediately available to your wife. Don't let her run back to you, her safety net. *Make her think you aren't an option.*


Even better... don't *BE* an option!


----------



## badmemory

GusPolinski said:


> Even better... don't *BE* an option!


Exactly.

Right now you are accepting of being her plan B. In her mind, she knows she can come back to you anytime and you'll be waiting for her if things don't work out with this POS.

She needs to face a new reality.


----------



## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> I wish duels were still in fashion, and legal.


Dude. Yes.


----------



## trueblu8

badmemory said:


> trublu,
> 
> You are focusing on the wrong thing. *She has left you for another man.* Where is your anger? Once it get's to that point it's insanity to think of any other strategy than to start the *DIVORCE*. Have her served asap. Stop living in limbo misery, waiting for him to dump her.
> 
> Improve yourself, get in shape, get some new clothes, get a new haircut, get some counseling, stay busy and *MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.* Think of your life in the future with another woman that will be faithful to you. You can get through this.


I told her lets wait a few months before we do anything that drastic. I mean who knows what could happen in that time. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. But at any rate, by that time I'll hopefully be back to my old self and ready to either reconcile with her or move on to somebody new. I am not at that point yet, but I am halfway there. I read a wise post over on yahoo I think it was, it said only you will know how much you can take and when it is finally time to move on. I thought this was so true. Everybody is different and has a different threshold for things that they can or cannot take. I feel that I owe it to my daughter though to at least try for a little longer. She always tells me, keep trying daddy, don't give up. And it's hard for me because she doesn't understand that as long as this affair goes on there's no reconciling the marriage. But I tell her okay anyways, and that I still love her and mommy very much, and that I will keep trying for her. This is rule #33 from the divorce buster's site 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. Tough to follow though I'm sure.

You post was a very good one. And it has made me think. I know you are probably right. But I want to stick it out for just a little longer, at least till I am back in shape, and back on my feet. My mom would love your post and has been begging to do the same. She doesn't like seeing me like this, or her grand daughter in the position she is in. I will take your words to heart and think about it a lot.


----------



## PBear

manfromlamancha said:


> Also try and get a restraining order keeping the POSOM away from your daughter.


A restraining order based on what? Being a stud-muffin? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> I told her lets wait a few months before we do anything that drastic. I mean who knows what could happen in that time. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. But at any rate, by that time I'll hopefully be back to my old self and ready to either reconcile with her or move on to somebody new. I am not at that point yet, but I am halfway there. I read a wise post over on yahoo I think it was, it said only you will know how much you can take and when it is finally time to move on. I thought this was so true. Everybody is different and has a different threshold for things that they can or cannot take. I feel that I owe it to my daughter though to at least try for a little longer. She always tells me, keep trying daddy, don't give up. And it's hard for me because she doesn't understand that as long as this affair goes on there's no reconciling the marriage. But I tell her okay anyways, and that I still love her and mommy very much, and that I will keep trying for her. This is rule #33 from the divorce buster's site 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. Tough to follow though I'm sure.
> 
> You post was a very good one. And it has made me think. I know you are probably right. But I want to stick it out for just a little longer, at least till I am back in shape, and back on my feet. My mom would love your post and has been begging to do the same. She doesn't like seeing me like this, or her grand daughter in the position she is in. I will take your words to heart and think about it a lot.


Okay trueblu,

I hope your strategy works for you. I'm sure it won't, but all we can do is dispense the advice. The BS has to follow it for it to work. At some point soon, you'll realize it was the right advice.


----------



## trueblu8

PBear said:


> If you were a stay at home dad, why does your wife have custody? Have you gotten any legal protection? As the primary caregiver, your first focus should be getting custody of your daughter.
> 
> You're not giving any money to your wife, are you?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I was the primary caregiver. No I haven't given her any money. I have spoken with a few attorneys and have found a good one but haven't retained them or filed for anything yet. I will ask them about the things you have mentioned though.


----------



## PBear

You should have been on her case as soon as she took your daughter out of the house. Why didn't you fight her on that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trueblu8

Nostromo said:


> :iagree: To the OP please understand that nobody here is defending the OM, in fact there would be a collective "meh" at best if he happened to fall in a pit of lava. However I struggle to think of any action that could be more detrimental to "winning" back your cheating wife than you pleading with him to stop sleeping with her.
> Your wife will lose whatever sliver of respect she still has for you, the OM will likely have a good laugh at your expense and you will feel even more awful than you do now. For the love of everything holy please don't post that. You are coming at this from a skewed perspective thinking that the OM has a conscience, I could almost guarantee you that this is not the case.


Thank God there is such a great community here and I did not post that message. After reading all the responses here I realized you guys are right and I would've regretted it and made a complete fool of myself. What a tough situation this is.


----------



## jnj express

You had better stop with this do nothing act as of now, or you will find that your so called wife, has taken your daughter, and transferred her to the lower level school----also I do not know to many school districts who would allow a 22 yr old to be security at a school, even an elementary school---and of course it proved true, as this guy has already busted up your home---If you want another way to get at him---go to the school district, and file your complaint---what is a 22 yr old doing wrecking the family of one of the school districts kids, by having an A with a 35 yr old mother---who he would never end up with in a million yrs---

For a little fun for himself, he has destroyed a family----I would make those facts VERY PUBLIC

Beyond that, as you say it is your life, if you can stomach your so called wife, and what she has done----you are welcome to her----but she is one horrible role model for your daughter


----------



## lenzi

trueblu8 said:


> I told her lets wait a few months before we do anything that drastic. I mean who knows what could happen in that time. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't.


You're basically giving her the green light to do what she wants.

She can continue to live away from you with your daughter, continue to screw the other man, find another guy, whatever. 

You'll wait. She suffers no repurcussions. Other than giving up the comfort of the marital home but it sounds like she didn't mind leaving anyway.

Read up on "being a doormat".


----------



## jnj express

As an add on---to my just above post---the contract your wife's lover has with the school district, where he allegedly is security---has a morals clause in it---and I guarantee you that clause does not allow for single employees to go around having sex with married mothers----if you want your pound of flesh----that is the way you get it-----

Still does not change the fact that your so called wife, is where your beef really lies.


----------



## trueblu8

PBear said:


> A restraining order based on what? Being a stud-muffin?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually he went to jail when he was 17 for a firearm possession charge. Didn't get to be a felony though because he was still a juvenile.


----------



## manfromlamancha

trueblu8 said:


> Actually he went to jail when he was 17 for a firearm possession charge. Didn't get to be a felony unfortunately because he was still a juvenile.


Wow there you go!


----------



## lenzi

That means nothing.

There is no cause for a restraining order.


----------



## trueblu8

manfromlamancha said:


> TruBlu, sorry to have you here. You sound like you are in the UK - let me know if you are because there may be more specific ways to make life tough for the POSOM. Also it would be interesting to know where your wife is from.
> 
> Now to the matter in hand, let me see if I got this right.
> 
> 
> You met your wife when she was 22 and you were 26 (pretty young) and got married 2 years later.
> 
> She did not get to have much of a wild time as a young girl with a domineering strict father.
> 
> She gets a job and gets to keep all her money with you supporting her and your child while she spent her money on what?
> 
> She sees you as not measuring up to men because you work from home unlike "real" men.
> 
> After 13 years of being with you along comes Don Juan the security guard who is much younger and fitter and he decides to tap the lunch lady at school (is she the fittest of the women at this school or is he tapping others as well?) and she responds to it because she is lustful. She starts thinking with her ***** instead of her brain and goes for it.
> 
> During this lusty episode she rewrites her marital history and amplifies every single thing that she considered wrong in the marriage to justify her despicable and disrespectful behaviour.
> 
> For all you know, this might not have been her first episode during these 11 years.
> 
> She is a liar and a cheat and will continue to lie to justify what she is doing.
> 
> There is no way security man and her are going to ride off into the sunset and be happy and I don't think either of them expect that. Right now, she may at best be someone to help him pay shared bills and expenses and provide sex on a regular basis till he moves on and/or tires of her.
> 
> She on the other hand, at 35, is readying herself to sample as many of these young men (and maybe also not so young men) that she can find and live it up with no thought for you or the consequences for your child.
> 
> SO HOW IS THIS WOMAN A FANTASTIC WOMAN OR A FANTASTIC MOTHER ?
> 
> There is actually no reason for her to return to you right now. None.
> 
> And your response is to politely ask this 22 yr old dud-head to stop and threaten him with a posting on Facebook. That would be like placing an ad for him - all wayward married women and others will know that he is available for bedding and all his buddies will be viewing him with new admiration. Not to mention you looking extremely weak and pathetic.
> 
> So in my humble opinion, what you need to do is:
> 
> 
> Definitely expose the affair to their place of work and get both of them fired if possible.
> 
> Rain any kind of hell that you can on the POSOM.
> 
> Post him on Cheaterville and privately message some of us the link so that we can drive the hit count up. This will cause the CV link to start appearing early on Google searches and will mess with his ability to find other work once you get him fired from the school.
> 
> Lawyer up and start getting to know your rights and position. Also threaten the school with assisting alienation of affection. You might just end up with a big fat cheque from them to keep you quiet while they deal with them.
> 
> Expose to the family and any close friends that could help you disrupt this affair.
> 
> Protect your assets, finances and custody to your kid.
> 
> Do the 180 to heal and better yourself. Do not under any circumstances beg or ask her to come back AND certainly do not ask the POSOM.
> 
> File for D immediately and have her served.
> 
> Work on yourself physically. Go to the gym or whatever. Buy new clothes. Get a better look going.
> 
> After all of this, she might just remember the man she married and she might start to really regret what she is doing. And it will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence. In any case, she needs to start facing consequences.
> 
> Do not dilly dally with this - do it asap as time is important.


You and badmemory make it very hard for me not to follow your advice. You have lined it out so perfectly. It makes a lot of sense. I know you guys are probably right, and even some of her own family members have told me the same. It's just hard to pull the trigger on this because I still love her and have hopes of reconciling, and for the three of us, her, my daughter, and me to be together and happy again. 

We live in Chicago. My wife is from the Dominican Republic.


----------



## MattMatt

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


They are saying "don't embarrass yourself" really.

You are in a horrible, horrible place. 

You need to make sure it doesn't accidentally get worse.


----------



## trueblu8

PBear said:


> You should have been on her case as soon as she took your daughter out of the house. Why didn't you fight her on that?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because I didn't know about the affair yet. I thought she was just mad at me and would return.


----------



## BobSimmons

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


Have you called the man, talked to him or had a face to face?
This smacks of ringing the door bell and running away. You want to expose then tell his wife, tell your folks, your WW's folks etc.
This just comes off as weak


----------



## BobSimmons

trueblu8 said:


> Yes. I agree. *She is a fantastic mother and woman aside from the infidelity*.


umm no, she's a terrible mother and woman. She's dishonest, disloyal and she's splitting up her daughter's mother and father... how is that fantastic?

Get her off that pedestal you're putting her on pal.


----------



## 3putt

BobSimmons said:


> Have you called the man, talked to him or had a face to face?
> This smacks of ringing the door bell and running away. You want to expose then tell his wife, tell your folks, your WW's folks etc.
> This just comes off as weak


So does allowing her to take that child. That child should be in her own home, in her own bed until a judge decides otherwise. No telling what that poor thing is getting exposed to.


----------



## The Middleman

trueblu8 said:


> Should I post this on the OM's facebook page where all his friends and family will see it?


I would do it, just leave out the last 4 sentences, it sounds like your begging.



cool12 said:


> only if you want everyone to know your wife sleeps around.


What's wrong with that? ... That's what she did.


----------



## PBear

Whether she was having an affair or not, you shouldn't (in my opinion) have allowed her to walk out with your daughter. 

And you've know about the affair for two months. You need to start getting mad. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BobSimmons

3putt said:


> So does allowing her to take that child. That child should be in her own home, in her own bed until a judge decides otherwise. No telling what that poor thing is getting exposed to.


Then OP should divorce and fight for his child. He's a SAHD. He's twiddling his thumbs thinking up facebook revenge posts and not confronting the real issues and facing up to his wife. He's running away. That is weak.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

I would expose this to the school district, in no uncertain terms.

If she loses her job, f--k it, so be it. She can find another job. She's a lunch lady. She can make sloppy joes anywhere. No offense to lunch ladies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

What an utterly deluded pushover you are OP!!! 

This is not an insult. This is a fact. 

Please respect yourself before you ask others to.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Next, file for divorce, first thing in the morning.

I don't know anything about Divorce Busters or whatever site it is, but do yourself a favor. Meet with 10 lawyers, hire 1.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wranglerman

I posted this in myown thread on here, sorry you have this s4!t to deal with.



> Amat victoria curam{latin phrase~victory loves preparation}
> If you want to be free from your cheating spouse, make it happen, yes your life and the lives of your kids will fundamentally change but you gotta be decisive and think through what you are doing and plan it to perfection, then execute, your kids will get through it, but they are not an excuse for staying and trying to R, happy kids need happy parents, if you are not happy then your kids will feed off this negative energy and become damaged further.
> 
> Don't be scared of the future, once free'd of the shackles you can shape and mould the future you want for your kids, ok the levels of exposure might vary, but be sure to make teachers and principals aware of problems at home, embarassing it might be but in the long run you have nothing to be ashamed of, you did nothing wrong, you just need to cover all your bases and every angle to be legally above board, preparation is your key, execution has to be flawless. Lawyers are your friends in these situations, they can help you plan your moves and plan ahead of your opposition, you just have to be sure to keep things as normal as possible, nothing changed and nothing new, then DDAY CABOOM!!!!!!! Life will never be the same again for anyone, the level of planning and preparation will be the measure of your success.


If you want to succede in your life, stop f***ing around and lawyer up, either push for custody and be the best dad you can be or get your act together and sort out visitations and contacts etc, and get a job, work on yourself and get divorced from her asap, she will come running back after he ditched her for a newer younger and tighter puzzy to get it wet with, thing is, she will most likely do it again for the next hot body to pay her a compliment, stop with it all already, she bailed to have her fling, you're cooked like a turkey on thanks giving and need to get on with life and without her!!!


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Yes^^

And Jesus get your daughter home, until court says otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

She's a lunch lady, he's security. I really doubt the school district is going to care much that they're having an affair. At worst, they'll both get fired, and they'll move on to two other unskilled jobs. 

No offence to other lunch ladies and security guards...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

trueblu8 said:


> Stop this and let me try to reconcile my marriage and give my daughter the future that she deserves.


I'm late for this party but let me see if I understand this correctly Trueblu. To get your old lady back, you want this guy to cut her loose and she won't come back to you unless he sends her back? 
You're in luck my man. When he's done with her, he'll be happy to send her home to you. Be patient. While you're waiting, see a psychiatrist.


----------



## weightlifter

I would post.

You broke her.
You bought her.
Congratulations on being a pos who wrecked a family.

Include a pic of proof.


----------



## lenzi

The OM is just going to delete it anyway and see the post as a sort of trophy. The post says nothing more than "you ruined my life and I'm pissed off about it and there's nothing I can do about it".


----------



## Turin74

Trublu:

I'm 100% against 'leaving the OM alone', I think you should 'contact' him, but in order to have the right context for the contact you've got to make up your mind e.g. why are you doing this? Options are:
- you are done being a doormat, you are ready to walk away with your head high and scorch everything on your way to get your daughter back and you want to expose the OM for the POS he is. You can do it in various ways (see wrangleman's post and many others). Currently you are not doing this.

- you want the affair to stop, in ordet to make an informed and calculated decision on what to do next. So that your wife is out of the fog and OM crawls scared to the deepest rabbit hole avaliable or at least realises that messing with your family is not the best idea around. Currently you are not doing this.

- you are respectfully (your words) asking if you can have your wife back after he's done with her. In other words if you are having this conversation over the phone, his response could be 'wait... wait...aaaahhhhhh... yup, you could have her now'. Is this the outcome you really want?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## happyman64

trueblu8 said:


> Yes. I agree. She is a fantastic mother and woman aside from the infidelity.


who cheats on her husband, took her daughter away from her father at least 50% of the time and now wants to move in with the OM ( i assume with their daughter).


oh yeah, she is a great Mom........

:scratchhead:


----------



## Syco

Too much unnecessary bull****. 

1. File for divorce. 
2. Expose him on Cheaterville. 
3. Move on and enjoy your life.


----------



## Riley_Z

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I don't know anything about Divorce Busters or whatever site it is, but do yourself a favor. Meet with 10 lawyers, hire 1.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was at db site when my husband left the first time.

It's horrible. The site monitors censor everyone's posts. db site censors will not allow you to even mention exposure. They basically just tell you to be a door mat and kiss your cheating husband's butt until they come back.

it's basically doormatuniversity.com

don't listen to what the db site says, it's terrible advice.


----------



## aug

trueblu8 said:


> Yes. I agree. *She is a fantastic mother and woman *aside from the infidelity.





trueblu8 said:


> I have a feeling you are right about this. If this guy doesn't work out, and now that she has tasted forbidden pleasure and has enjoyed being with a hot younger guy, I think that is what she will be after from now on. She is still very good looking and has a smoking hot body for a 35 year old mother so she should have no problem doing this. Just makes me sad though. *She has totally trashed her image and destroyed our family.*



She is not a fantastic mother or a woman. 

Would a fantastic woman and mother trash her own image and destroy her family? Would a fantastic woman ruin her own daughter's life by being horny for a younger man?

The answer is "no".

You really need to change your mindset about your "wife".


----------



## trueblu8

Turin74 said:


> Trublu:
> 
> I'm 100% against 'leaving the OM alone', I think you should 'contact' him, but in order to have the right context for the contact you've got to make up your mind e.g. why are you doing this? Options are:
> 
> - you want the affair to stop, in ordet to make an informed and calculated decision on what to do next. So that your wife is out of the fog and OM crawls scared to the deepest rabbit hole avaliable or at least realises that messing with your family is not the best idea around. Currently you are not doing this.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


How would I go about doing this?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

trueblu8 said:


> I told her lets wait a few months before we do anything that drastic. I mean who knows what could happen in that time. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. But at any rate, by that time I'll hopefully be back to my old self and ready to either reconcile with her or move on to somebody new. I am not at that point yet, but I am halfway there. I read a wise post over on yahoo I think it was, it said only you will know how much you can take and when it is finally time to move on. I thought this was so true. Everybody is different and has a different threshold for things that they can or cannot take. I feel that I owe it to my daughter though to at least try for a little longer. She always tells me, keep trying daddy, don't give up. And it's hard for me because she doesn't understand that as long as this affair goes on there's no reconciling the marriage. But I tell her okay anyways, and that I still love her and mommy very much, and that I will keep trying for her. This is rule #33 from the divorce buster's site 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. Tough to follow though I'm sure.
> 
> You post was a very good one. And it has made me think. I know you are probably right. But I want to stick it out for just a little longer, at least till I am back in shape, and back on my feet. My mom would love your post and has been begging to do the same. She doesn't like seeing me like this, or her grand daughter in the position she is in. I will take your words to heart and think about it a lot.


You think your best option is to wait it out and giver her all of the power? Then you are going to get in shape to help win her back? Don't ever give up?

I would NEVER listen to anyone that says you must be miserable to save your marriage.


----------



## ThePheonix

Turin74 said:


> Trublu:
> - you want the affair to stop, in ordet to make an informed and calculated decision on what to do next. So that your wife is out of the fog and OM crawls scared to the deepest rabbit hole avaliable or at least realises that messing with your family is not the best idea around. Currently you are not doing this.


After what you're reading, do you think our man Trueblu has the juice to do this? He's practically willing to beg the kid to run his old lady back to the house for gosh sakes. Additionally, this chick doesn't want to come back. She wants Trueblu out. Men don't realize that SAHD start to smell after a few months.


----------



## Machiavelli

trueblu8 said:


> How would I go about doing this?


There is only one reason to contact the OM, and I don't recommend it, because if you get caught you could go away for a long time. Then where would your daughter be. However, it will terminate the affair. Permanently. It will raise your sex rank in your wife's eyes and any other women who hear about it. ¿Comprende?

It's unlikely that your wife is ever going to come back to you, she's had six months of better sex (illicit sex is the best sex). Plus, you're a fatty and not sexually attractive, by your own admission. However, the best shot you have is to file for divorce and go for custody. Other than killing the OM in a duel, filing for divorce is the quickest way to raise your sex rank in the eyes of the WW. Unfortunately, so much time has passed since you found out about the affair with you being indecisive, this will now have minimal impact. Do it.

After you do that, you need to build a great physique and up your sex rank and powers of attraction. What are you bench pressing right now? What kind of motorcycle do you own? When was the last time you were hit on by a strange woman?

Read this about The Male Hierarchy and let me know where you think you fit in on the list.


----------



## Turin74

No, I just hope it is not too late for him (not for his marriage, this one is done IMHO). Pethaps I/we (I mean everybody here trying to talk sense into him) are loosing nothing by trying to help? Is that what TAM is for? And that is why I used deliberately harsh words in my previous post point 3.




ThePheonix said:


> After what you're reading, do you think our man Trueblu has the juice to do this? He's practically willing to beg the kid to run his old lady back to the house for gosh sakes. Additionally, this chick doesn't want to come back. She wants Trueblu out. Men don't realize that SAHD start to smell after a few months.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## trueblu8

happyman64 said:


> who cheats on her husband, took her daughter away from her father at least 50% of the time and now wants to move in with the OM ( i assume with their daughter).
> 
> 
> oh yeah, she is a great Mom........
> 
> :scratchhead:


She has told me she plans to do this. I told her I'm okay with my daughter being at the brother's house with her but that there was no way in hell if she gets an apartment with the OM that I'd let my daughter stay there. She told me that I don't have any say in the matter that she's the mom and my daughter has to stay with her.

On another note, one of my friends did offer me some contrary advice. He said think about it, do you really want to have your daughter back full time? Wouldn't that just free up your wife to do whatever she wants like spending more time with this guy? And think about yourself. Couldn't you use the free time you have now to better yourself and maybe find someone new. If you're taking care of your daughter full time you won't have as much time to do those things.

Another friend told me the opposite. He was like dude, of course you're okay with her staying over there now, but just wait till she starts bringing the OM around and he starts playing the daddy role with your daughter. That will make you change your mind real quick.

Fact is, I know she's in good hands with my wife. Her and her sister in law take pretty good care of her over there. Both of my friends have good points though. Honestly, I'm not sure what to do.



Riley_Z said:


> I was at db site when my husband left the first time.
> 
> It's horrible. The site monitors censor everyone's posts. db site censors will not allow you to even mention exposure. They basically just tell you to be a door mat and kiss your cheating husband's butt until they come back.
> 
> it's basically doormatuniversity.com
> 
> don't listen to what the db site says, it's terrible advice.


Yes. That is one thing that is quite annoying about the db site. Every post you make has to be approved before it even gets posted. And that could take hours or days even. They do have a few good members over there though that can give some real solid advice. Problem is you have to wait to see if what you've written even gets posted. Thank God for this site. I got such a multitude of extremely helpful responses within a few hours. I even sent my mom a link to this thread so she could read it and this what she wrote to me. 

Absolutely! "Unfit wife" sounds right to me. "Remove wife" also sounds right to me. What are you waiting for Vince? Enough obsession with WW and OM. Did you make any calls today pertinent to separation? So you can go on with your life? And get work? And/or get some study for piloting work? In your mind can you dump WW and OM out of the baggage chute of your airplane at about 40,000 ft up. Maybe into the heart of an active volcano. And cinderize them? Or into the ocean, where you see their containers drop down smaller and smaller? Into huge waves? Or take something in the house small. Cover it. And never take it off. They're gone. Now live your life. Work is a wonderful antidote. And, to make yourself feel good, start looking around. It's a big world, Vince. And someone is waiting to give you love. Already. And she has a beautiful heart. And a wonderful laugh. It is not Nena. Enough already? Mom 


aug said:


> She is not a fantastic mother or a woman.
> 
> Would a fantastic woman and mother trash her own image and destroy her family? Would a fantastic woman ruin her own daughter's life by being horny for a younger man?
> 
> The answer is "no".
> 
> You really need to change your mindset about your "wife".


I know. But it's hard. She really was and still is a good woman aside from what she's doing. Is there some chance that she will come out of the fog and see what she's doing is wrong?


----------



## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> There is only one reason to contact the OM, and I don't recommend it, because if you get caught you could go away for a long time. Then where would your daughter be. However, it will terminate the affair. Permanently. It will raise your sex rank in your wife's eyes and any other women who hear about it. ¿Comprende?
> 
> It's unlikely that your wife is ever going to come back to you, she's had six months of better sex (illicit sex is the best sex). Plus, you're a fatty and not sexually attractive, by your own admission. However, the best shot you have is to file for divorce and go for custody. Other than killing the OM in a duel, filing for divorce is the quickest way to raise your sex rank in the eyes of the WW. Unfortunately, so much time has passed since you found out about the affair with you being indecisive, this will now have minimal impact. Do it.
> 
> After you do that, you need to build a great physique and up your sex rank and powers of attraction. What are you bench pressing right now? What kind of motorcycle do you own? When was the last time you were hit on by a strange woman?
> 
> Read this about The Male Hierarchy and let me know where you think you fit in on the list.


OP read this and the links therein three or four times.
Check to get your T levels checked also.


----------



## Machiavelli

trueblu8 said:


> She really was and still is a good woman aside from what she's doing. Is there some chance that she will come out of the fog and see what she's doing is wrong?


Essentially, zero. You must be a ****** or very very Americanized.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

trueblu8 said:


> She really was and still is a good woman aside from what she's doing. Is there some chance that she will come out of the fog and see what she's doing is wrong?


This is called justification and rationalization. So what if she does? She took your kid, inserted her in the mess, is using gender bias and has you believing she has all the rights because she is mom.

That isn't fog, that's calculation and manipulation. The more you type, the more you need to get a lawyer. You do understand, the longer you are separated the deeper her attachment grows to her affair partner? Also, you do understand if she established a separate residence it will be harder to get an equitable deal in custody. 2 months? You want to wait 2 months for your marriage go ahead, but you BETTER get legal custody papers drawn up NOW.

Best thing I ever did was put myself on child support and establish paternity when me and the ex-fiance were doing good.


----------



## PBear

Your best chance to snap her out of her fog is a b1tch slap of reality. And do the best thing for yourself and your daughter, in any case. If that leaves her with evenings to romp with her new toy, so be it. 

And if you do get custody, make sure you get support payments from her. Again, make reality as lonely and bleak as you can. 

C


----------



## Turin74

trueblu8 said:


> How would I go about doing this?


Easy. I'll spoon feed it for now, because I'm busy and because I'm not sure you are willing to listen. I've read your last post and honestly that is one of the most f$#%ked up things I've seen (except for my friends marriage, a lot of similarity here).
Basic principles for you.
1) listen to other TAM guys, they are more experienced than me. Forget FB and all - for now.
2) Stop doing what are you doing and been doing (being nice guy) that's why you are here.Rule#1 of crisis management.. Basically a dog and petrol principle: if you forced you dog to drink a spoon of petrol and your dog ran 5 meters and collapsed, don't assume it is because it ran out of petrol. This includes stopping listening to that other website, your dudes and stopping begging your wife and OM. Also stop being SAHD and get a job.
3) Realise and accept that the only way to achieve any positive outcome for you - is to gain control. If you want your wife back - has to be under your control and on your terms (she's begging for you to take her back). Anything less - you go straight to D, again you control the porocess. Any other way will destroy you. Understand you have nothing to loose (if I read it correctly no wife, no job, no self respect, kids are taken)
4) once1-3 sink in - let the OM and your wife know that you are no more a cucklold and is willing to take nesessary risks and loses (money, time, health) to get even with whoever is causing this to you.

Are you listening?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## PBear

And without a lawyer and a separation/divorce agreement, your wife can associate with whoever she likes, including shacking up with her toy. With your daughter. So get on that.

C


----------



## aug

trueblu8, listen to your mother!

And get in shape for the next woman.


----------



## trueblu8

Machiavelli said:


> There is only one reason to contact the OM, and I don't recommend it, because if you get caught you could go away for a long time. Then where would your daughter be. However, it will terminate the affair. Permanently. It will raise your sex rank in your wife's eyes and any other women who hear about it. ¿Comprende?


A few members of her family and one of my friends have actually suggested that I do this. In fact my friend insists that it's mandatory. Her cousins have said I need to man up and handle this. They've all said don't do it yourself, have some other guys do it, and be somewhere like with the in laws or something so you have a good alibi. And then after the fact just deny, deny, deny. They said the wife will be pissed but that the OM will get the message and will end the affair.



Machiavelli said:


> It's unlikely that your wife is ever going to come back to you, she's had six months of better sex (illicit sex is the best sex). Plus, you're a fatty and not sexually attractive, by your own admission. However, the best shot you have is to file for divorce and go for custody. Other than killing the OM in a duel, filing for divorce is the quickest way to raise your sex rank in the eyes of the WW. Unfortunately, so much time has passed since you found out about the affair with you being indecisive, this will now have minimal impact. Do it.


Yes. This is what I am afraid of. Now that she's enjoyed that forbidden fruit she's going to want that from now until she gets too old and is no longer good looking enough to get the younger guys. I mean why would she go back to an older flabby dude like me when she's had a younger hot guy with an eight pack stomach giving her the best sex she's ever had? I am working on getting back down to my original marriage weight and am halfway there. But lets be realistic. I'm never going to be young again and probably not have a ripped eight pack either. Lol.



Machiavelli said:


> After you do that, you need to build a great physique and up your sex rank and powers of attraction. What are you bench pressing right now? What kind of motorcycle do you own? When was the last time you were hit on by a strange woman?


I'm working on the physique now. I figure in about 2 or 3 more months I should be around where I want be and then I can just fine tune it from there. There are plenty of younger ripped dudes at the gym that are always willing to help. My main concern is just getting my weight down first. A lot of people, friends, neighbors, even my wife's family have commented on how good I look and how much weight I've lost. I tell them thank you and to keep the compliments coming cause it motivates me to keep going. Don't bench press very much cause I'm just trying to do a lot of reps to get my heart rate up before hitting the cardio. Funny you should mention the bike. Me and my cool mom went halves on a yamaha r1 cause she wants me to get my mojo back. I used to have an r6 right before I got married with the wife. Those were the good old days. I actually had a few smoking hot women to choose from in those days. I need to get like that again. Hopefully, 13 years later, it's still possible. Haven't got hit on by any strange women yet but I have noticed that I've gotten a couple glances back as I was looking at them. Slowly but surely my friends.



Machiavelli said:


> Read this about The Male Hierarchy and let me know where you think you fit in on the list.


Lol. I don't think I'm any of those guys. Maybe a combination of them. Maybe a cross between a delta, gamma, and sigma.


----------



## BobSimmons

Be back when this reaches 90 pages..


----------



## PhillyGuy13

trueblu8 said:


> On another note, one of my friends did offer me some contrary advice. He said think about it, do you really want to have your daughter back full time? Wouldn't that just free up your wife to do whatever she wants like spending more time with this guy? And think about yourself. Couldn't you use the free time you have now to better yourself and maybe find someone new. If you're taking care of your daughter full time you won't have as much time to do those things.


She's finding plenty of time to f--k him now have no fear.

I'd rather have my daughter with me 24/7/365 than one minute with this sorry POS excuse for a wife and mother.

I'm going back to bed now.


----------



## trueblu8

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She's finding plenty of time to f--k him now have no fear.
> 
> I'd rather have my daughter with me 24/7/365 than one minute with this sorry POS excuse for a wife and mother.
> 
> I'm going back to bed now.


Good point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## italianjob

lenzi said:


> Stop trying to convince your wife to give up the affair.
> 
> It's just lame and pathetic and it won't work.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't agree that a woman who has an affair is necessarily an unfit parent.
> 
> An unfit spouse.. maybe, probably. But not an unfit parent.
> 
> *It's like saying a guy who robs a bank is an unfit father or something*.


Well he is, of course. You teach by example to your kids, if that's what you teach you ARE ane unfit parent...

A woman, or better a person, who has an affair is not necessarily an unfit parent, but quite frequently when you're engaged in secret activities of that kind you behave in ways that give bad examples or are going to traumatize the children in the long run so you end up being an unfit parent...


----------



## italianjob

lenzi said:


> The example I gave was that of a bank robber.
> 
> Not all bank robbers are caught and imprisoned, some bank robbers may very well be stellar parents.
> 
> A person cannot be a good parent while they're incarcerated but they could be a good parent after they're paroled.
> 
> 
> 
> What if the home life was a mess, and there was a lot of conflict and maybe abuse?
> 
> Very often the kids are better off with the parents divorced and living apart rather than in an intact home with two parents who are at war with one another.


Again, your behaviour is all important in raising a kid. A bank robber simply can't be a "stellar parent", if his status is known to his child (it's not really a matter of being caught by the law, but if your family knows what you're doing or not. And when it comes out all your good teachings won't probably mean much anymore to your children)


----------



## italianjob

GusPolinski said:


> Well, seeing as how he'll most likely dump her before too long, I wouldn't worry about it. Just divorce her, keep working on yourself, and then start pulling in "young 'uns" of your own.


Brief and to the point, best advice for me :iagree:


----------



## Jasel

trueblu8 said:


> Yes. This is what I am afraid of. Now that she's enjoyed that forbidden fruit she's going to want that from now until she gets too old and is no longer good looking enough to get the younger guys. I mean why would she go back to an older flabby dude like me when she's had a younger hot guy with an eight pack stomach giving her the best sex she's ever had? I am working on getting back down to my original marriage weight and am halfway there. But lets be realistic. I'm never going to be young again and probably not have a ripped eight pack either. Lol.


It's not so much her enjoying the forbidden fruit as much as it is your very weak approach to addressing this situation. I'm not too familiar with divorce busters but based on what you've said in this thread they give HORRIBLE advice.

You should spend a few days reading through this section. Read dozens if not hundreds of the stories of men who have been cheated on by their wives. You quickly see what has a better chance of working out for you and what doesn't. How you've been handling this situation??? You might as well gift wrap your wife and daughter put a stamp on them and mail them to the OM. The only saving grace you have is that no 22 year old male is going to get serious with a 35 year old woman with a kid. At least not long term. 

Now if you had immediately kicked her out, exposed to family/friends, filed for divorce when you learned of the affair and confronted her you MIGHT have shaken her out of the fog and gotten her to realize what she was doing. Now? It's most likely not going to get her to come back since you lingered in limbo for so long.

The men who act decisively, quickly, and show their cheating partner that they're willing to walk away from the relationship and torpedo the marriage? Those are the men whose wives are more likely to come running back, or if not at least give them a bit more respect. Those are the men who demonstrate that they have value. Look at my signature, I didn't put it there for kicks. The ones like you who are too afraid to do anything for fear of divorce or making their wives mad, want to go after the OM, sit in limbo for months on end, or other type of weak behavior usually wind up losing badly.

If I was in your shoes the first thing I would be doing is getting my kid back. ASAP. I can't believe you let your wife up and take her to begin with. Or at least keep her. That makes you look even more weak. You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce ASAP. Don't tell her you're doing it, don't discuss your intentions with your wife or give her an explanation of why, you just have her served. At work if possible. Let your lawyer do the talking. Also expose what is going on at your wife's and the OM's place of employment. Get them both fired. 

And I would stop stressing so much on the physical aspects of the affair. It honestly doesn't matter nearly as much to women as it does to men. I think the fact that you come off as a weak beta male (no offense meant) is a much bigger problem than your appearance. Although I would still get in better shape physically for your own health, well being, and confidence, etc. Women respond to how men make them feel much more than how men look. Which is why you see attractive women walking around with Barney Rubble looking men wondering how the hell they pulled that off.

You need to start getting angry and start taking action. This "Well I'm just going to wait and see if things magically get better" approach is not going to get you anywhere. Period.


----------



## manfromlamancha

TruBlu, please go back and read my post with regard to what you need to do.

As for getting the guy disabled, fine, but much better to get him fired and unemployable. Trust me, posting him on CV and us driving the hits up will help.

She is not going to come back in a hurry. Do you want your daughter being taught that it is OK to be good to someone until you find somebody hotter. Much better to have your daughter around you.

Keep the POSOM away from your daughter. He has been known to have firearms etc and even went to jail. You fear for the wellbeing of your child (get it). Get a restraining order.

Get both of them fired at the school. They should not be condoning this behaviour.

And for Gods sake snap out of it - SHE IS NOT A GOOD WOMAN AND NEVER HAS BEEN. She has been waiting for her opportunity (at the risk of sounding racist - something to do with the culture on her island). Get a move on with filing for D - don't worry what she's got a taste of (you can not really be sure that she hasn't done this before - she may just have found the right time to leave you).

Move, move, move ... hup hup!


----------



## Squeakr

File for D, and with in the agreement have it stated that neither of you can have an overnight guest of the opposite sex that is not a blood relative or related by marriage when in care of "the minor child. This will essentially stop her from moving in with him and taking your daughter. 

This interaction with random oMs is what you need to stop (especially before it starts to a huge extent). Your daughter needs a stable environment and when the OM tires of your WW, it may/ will start a string of "replacement daddy's" parading into and out of the picture. This action would be the most confusing and detrimental to your daughter. Yes, you would like to have time to work on yourself and start your new life, but if you must sacrifice this, or put it on hold to raise a happy and healthy child that is your primary concern and responsibility. Yes, your friends want you happy and back to the old you, but they need to remember that you are a father first and need to be a role model for your children, no matter how it affects your social life.

Also, stop saying she is a good mother. If she is leaving your daughter with others (even if they are relatives and responsible) to go and satisfy her carnal knowledges, then she is NOT being a good mother. Being a good parent means putting the health and welfare of your child first. Yes, people need to take time for themselves to maintain their sanity, but they don't need to do it on a regular basis, only occassionally. She is doing it regularly, so she is NOT being a good mother, and putting her own thoughts, wants, and desires (notice I didn't include needs) above those of your daughter. Also she is young and impressionable so if she sees that this behavior is condoned, she may see it as how a responsible parent, mother, and wife behaves and use this to model herself later in life. Would you really want this?


----------



## Divinely Favored

if I gather correctly you work from home you have plenty of time while she is in school to work on yourself go to the gym etc. Being a stay at home dad I figure you would be the primary caretaker because you are there for her all the time. And you are still living in the marriage home. The fact she wants to take the child out of school and move the child with her while she's with her affair partner I would believe would look poorly on her when it is brought before child custody judge. File!!!!! For divorce and full custody...you will regretted it if you do not. The divorce can always be stopped before finalization if you choose. If you do this you will stop looking weak in her eyes. Tell the school!!! If they get fired it will at least stop them from seeing each other daily...as they will both be doing a job search and not have time to sneak affection daily at school. Find your balls or she is going to take them with her when she leaves you permanently. I quit taking crap from my wife and dumped 15 yrs. of pent up resentment in her lap...now she is like a different woman. Build muscle....weights!!!! especially torso! As muscle will eat fat! I cut out candy, cokes, bread, milk, ice cream. fast food in general. lost 63 lbs in 3 months. I'm 42 6'5" 248 lbs now. More muscle than ever...get T checked. I had to start test. Injections at 37.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

Its fascinating that some advice Trueblu is getting eludes to driving this 22 year old kid off so she drifts back to him. This gal is not riding the 22 year old because he's simply "hotter" than Trueblu. If this were true about woman, we'd all be in trouble. She riding him because her romantic interest in Trueblu is in the toilet,( in addition to her having no loyalty or integrity). What does she have to do, drive a truck over him before he gets the message? 
Hats off to those telling Trueblu to ditch this vampire.

On keeping the his child away for the other man, good luck with that. The courts are not going to tell a woman, "hey your ex doesn't want the child around other men so we're ordering you not to do it". You better have something more than, "ain't no other man playing daddy to my kid". I don't think that and a weapons charge is going to do it.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

No, most judges never give full custody to the father, unless mom doesn't want custody (not the case here) or mom has other problems (felon, addict, also not the case here)

But trublu should also fight for full custody to put mom on notice that he is finally done being weak willed and putting up with her sh!t. It also puts mom on notice and will need to explain to a court if it gets to it why it would be in the best interest of the little girl to move her from a good school district where she is thriving to a not as good school district. Being in same school as cousin won't cut it.

PS IF I'm 22 (ah to be 22 again) there is no way in hell I'm moving in with a 35 year old woman and her 6 year old daughter. Especially if I have "model" looks. Tough to bring the flavor of the week home to a 35 year old and her daughter.

This affair will flame out sooner rather than later. But in the meantime OP proceed with divorce and 180. If she wisens up great but don't count on it. I wouldn't want her back anyway but you have the little girl in the equation.


----------



## weightlifter

Screw cardio. The fastest way to lose 10 pounds of fat is to add 10 pounds of muscle. 

High intensity training is your friend...

Countdown to Mach chiming in... 10... 9... 8... 7...

BTW on the divorce thing raising your sex rank. Oh boy does it. I was less than 12 hours from filing... When she knew I was not bluffing, (I don't bluff but she was trying to convince herself I was) my wife surrendered pretty much completely. She is nicer etc. Sex went from 1-2 a month to 4-7 a week and trust me, she is enthusiastic.


----------



## Riley_Z

italianjob said:


> Again, your behaviour is all important in raising a kid. A bank robber simply can't be a "stellar parent", if his status is known to his child (it's not really a matter of being caught by the law, but if your family knows what you're doing or not. And when it comes out all your good teachings won't probably mean much anymore to your children)


Kids learn what they live.. isn't that the catchphrase?

If their mom is lying, sneaking around, and cheating, that's what kids learn isn't it?

Not a great example of behavior to lay out for your child to pick up.

I know a lot of cheating parents will say "well, they dont know I am doing all of that"... 

I say... sure, just like your spouse doesn't.

They do know mom's out late, she's not around to help with the household that much, and her and daddy are emotionally distant. Tension fills the home.

Again, not the greatest environment to create for your child to live in.

So, no matter how much your child picks up or doesn't, a cheater is contaminating their child's living space. That's enough in my mind to say they are an unfit parent.


----------



## lordmayhem

weightlifter said:


> Screw cardio. The fastest way to lose 10 pounds of fat is to add 10 pounds of muscle.
> 
> High intensity training is your friend...
> 
> Countdown to Mach chiming in... 10... 9... 8... 7...
> 
> BTW on the divorce thing raising your sex rank. Oh boy does it. I was less than 12 hours from filing... When she knew I was not bluffing, (I don't bluff but she was trying to convince herself I was) my wife surrendered pretty much completely. She is nicer etc. Sex went from 1-2 a month to 4-7 a week and trust me, she is enthusiastic.


Low carb, high protein diet, plus cardio. Once you go into ketosis, your body burns the fat for energy, and the fat just starts dropping off.


----------



## TRy

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


 No one is saying "to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him". What everyone said was that what you were thinking of posting to the OM Facebook page would have embarrassed you and not him. Nothing is more pathetic than you asking another man to stop f**king your wife, other than making that request public. You need to stop chasing your cheating wife. You need to look yourself in the mirror and take your dignity and self respect back. You are not alone in chasing after a cheating spouse as if they are some prize, as this is a common early response to infidelity, but you need to move past that now.


----------



## trueblu8

TRy said:


> You need to stop chasing your cheating wife. You need to look yourself in the mirror and take your dignity and self respect back. You are not alone in chasing after a cheating spouse as if they are some prize, as this is a common early response to infidelity, but you need to move past that now.


Is there any way I can do that without filing for custody and divorce? Can't I just distance myself from her, give her space? Can't I just move on with my life without doing those things, get back in shape, maybe find a new woman, and then if things get serious with her and the wife still hasn't come around then maybe file for divorce? I will think real hard about this today guys. I promise. My poor kid though. She's going to be devastated when I tell her that daddy can't try anymore and has to file for divorce. Truth be told it's going to hurt me too. But I also know it may feel liberating.


----------



## Riley_Z

trueblu8 said:


> Is there any way I can do that without filing for custody and divorce? Can't I just distance myself from her, give her space? Can't I just move on with my life without doing those things, get back in shape, maybe find a new woman, and then if things get serious with her and the wife still hasn't come around then maybe file for divorce? I will think real hard about this today guys. I promise. My poor kid though. She's going to be devastated when I tell her that daddy can't try anymore and has to file for divorce. Truth be told it's going to hurt me too. But I also know it may feel liberating.


Filing for divorce IS how you try.

Why on earth are you discussing this with your child?

She does NOT need that kind of stress.

You make the decisions and you keep your child out of adult situations!!!

You file for divorce to show your wife that playtime is over and you mean business.

If you file, and she does not change her behavior then your wife has ended the marriage, not you.

Stop playing the victim here. It's not going to attract your wife back, and it's not going to attract any new women either.

As a woman I can tell you this crying to your child about your marriage problems is not attractive at all.

File for divorce like a man would do, and stop crying to your six year old for support.

You tell your children that both of you love them, and that everything will be fine. You don't get into painful details about you not being able to try anymore.. what kind of parenting is that?

Not all divorces actually end in divorce. You are starting a process to show your wife where she's headed if she does not get wise fast. You should have done this back in November.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

trueblu8 said:


> Is there any way I can do that without filing for custody and divorce? Can't I just distance myself from her, give her space? Can't I just move on with my life without doing those things, get back in shape, maybe find a new woman, and then if things get serious with her and the wife still hasn't come around then maybe file for divorce? I will think real hard about this today guys. I promise. My poor kid though. She's going to be devastated when I tell her that daddy can't try anymore and has to file for divorce. Truth be told it's going to hurt me too. But I also know it may feel liberating.


Whether you file for divorce or not, you should be doing all those things. Filing for divorce tells her you mean business. So she will maybe get her head out of the clouds. If she comes around the divorce can be put on hold or stopped at any time. 

I would lay off any new women until you have committed fully to moving on. Not filing for divorce is not committing to moving on,

My heart breaks for your daughter. I have two kids 5 1/2 and 3 1/2' it must be heartbreaking to hear your young daughter cry about the situation. In the long run, though, you are doing the best thing for her and for your self.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

lordmayhem said:


> Low carb, high protein diet, plus cardio. Once you go into ketosis, your body burns the fat for energy, and the fat just starts dropping off.


I love my carbs. Damn u guys!!!


----------



## trueblu8

manfromlamancha said:


> don't worry what she's got a taste of (you can not really be sure that she hasn't done this before - she may just have found the right time to leave you).


Actually one of my friends mentioned this. He said you think this is the first time dude? This is just the one she liked enough to leave you for.


----------



## trueblu8

Riley_Z said:


> Filing for divorce IS how you try.
> 
> WHY on EARTH are you discussing this with your child?
> 
> She does NOT need that kind of stress.
> 
> You make the decisions and you keep your child OUT of adult situations!!!
> 
> You file for divorce to show your wife that playtime is over and you mean business.
> 
> If you file, and she does not change her behavior then your wife has ended the marriage, not you.
> 
> Stop playing the victim here. It's not going to attract your wife back, and it's not going to attract any new women either.
> 
> As a woman I can tell you this crying to your child about your marriage problems is not attractive at all.
> 
> File for divorce like a man would do, and stop crying to your six year old for support.
> 
> You tell your children that both of you love them, and that everything will be fine. You don't get into painful details about you not being able to try anymore.. what kind of parenting is that?
> 
> Not all divorces actually end in divorce. You are starting a process to show your wife where she's headed if she does not get wise fast. You should have done this back in November.





PhillyGuy13 said:


> Whether you file for divorce or not, you should be doing all those things. Filing for divorce tells her you mean business. So she will maybe get her head out of the clouds. If she comes around the divorce can be put on hold or stopped at any time.
> 
> I would lay off any new women until you have committed fully to moving on. Not filing for divorce is not committing to moving on,
> 
> My heart breaks for your daughter. I have two kids 5 1/2 and 3 1/2' it must be heartbreaking to hear your young daughter cry about the situation. In the long run, though, you are doing the best thing for her and for your self.


Okay.


----------



## bandit.45

trueblu8 said:


> Is there any way I can do that without filing for custody and divorce? Can't I just distance myself from her, give her space? Can't I just move on with my life without doing those things, get back in shape, maybe find a new woman, and then if things get serious with her and the wife still hasn't come around then maybe file for divorce? I will think real hard about this today guys. I promise. My poor kid though. She's going to be devastated when I tell her that daddy can't try anymore and has to file for divorce. Truth be told it's going to hurt me too. But I also know it may feel liberating.


At least file for legal separation so she cannot run up debt and trash your credit.


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## PBear

Would you rather be teaching your daughter that it's ok to skank around, as there's no consequences to your wife's actions?

And I'm with the others... Keep your daughter out of adult conversations and situations. This isn't her battle. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> Can't I just move on with my life without doing those things, get back in shape, *maybe find a new woman, and then if things get serious with her and the wife still hasn't come around then maybe file for divorce?*


Yes you can if you're content with waiting around for your wife as her plan B; and it's sad that any man would be.

Do you really want to lose your moral high ground? How will that effect your child's view of you?

Also, think about what you want out of your future wife. Do you want someone that has no problem dating a married man? Someone that doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage? Someone that has so little self respect that she's content to be your plan B?

I wouldn't. If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you.


----------



## barbados

Gabriel said:


> No 22 year old guy who is built like a model is going to stick with a 35+ year old woman for very long. She is very likely a playtoy for him - someone he can brag to his buddies about. And frankly, the reverse is true too. She's just enjoying the sex. You think they're having meaningful, soul-connecting conversations? Please.
> 
> See, this will run its course in due time - when it does, *do NOT make your self immediately available to your wife. Don't let her run back to you, her safety net. Make her think you aren't an option.*


 OP, NEVER make yourself an option for the woman again ! EVER ! Someone who has gone to these lengths to humiliate you, her child, AND HERSELF, is not someone you want to stay married to. You need to D her sorry butt ASAP !


----------



## trueblu8

badmemory said:


> Yes you can if you're content with waiting around for your wife as her plan B; and it's sad that any man would be.
> 
> Also, think about what you want out of your future wife. Do you want someone that has no problem dating a married man? Someone that doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage? Someone that has so little self respect that she's content to be your plan B?
> 
> I wouldn't. If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you.


Good point.


----------



## toonaive

trueblu8 said:


> Is there any way I can do that without filing for custody and divorce? Can't I just distance myself from her, give her space? Can't I just move on with my life without doing those things, get back in shape, maybe find a new woman, and then if things get serious with her and the wife still hasn't come around then maybe file for divorce? I will think real hard about this today guys. I promise. My poor kid though. She's going to be devastated when I tell her that daddy can't try anymore and has to file for divorce. Truth be told it's going to hurt me too. But I also know it may feel liberating.



Dude! You are rationalizing too much. Do you really want the kind of woman that would be with you without being divorced? Or at least filed for divorce? Do not add this complication right now. File for Divorce, or at least for legal separation, then file. You need to do something definitive for yourself. Other than working out, and getting fit. Nothing else will SHOW her you are dead serious. She will either take notice or not. Either way, you will take the control away from her. At some point, you may even decide you don't want her anymore. All these suggestions, puts you in a better place. To date, its been all about your wife. Change that.


----------



## trueblu8

PBear said:


> Would you rather be teaching your daughter that it's ok to skank around, as there's no consequences to your wife's actions?
> 
> And I'm with the others... Keep your daughter out of adult conversations and situations. This isn't her battle.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry guys but my daughter's in it whether I want her to be or not. I try to keep her out of it cause I know no kid needs that burden. But her mommy already asked her if it was okay for her to have boyfriend. But daughter said she thought about it for a second then realized what her mommy was asking and said no! She also called me one day when mommy left at 12 in the afternoon and came back at 5 saying she didn't know where mommy went, but it was to be with her lover of course. She has also told me of times where mommy sneaks away to talk "sweet" to this guy on the phone or locks herself in the bathroom to talk to him. Kids aren't dumb. They know what's going on.


----------



## Riley_Z

You can spend six months working out and losing weight, or you can take a week and file for divorce.

I would show her you mean business quickly, rather than slowly.

And do you honestly think if you drop pounds she will drop OM and come running to you?

Do you seriously think this is about your weight?

You have got to be kidding me.


----------



## Riley_Z

trueblu8 said:


> Sorry guys but my daughter's in it whether I want her to be or not. I try to keep her out of it cause I know no kid needs that burden. But her mommy already asked her if it was okay for her to have boyfriend. But daughter said she thought about it for a second then realized what her mommy was asking and said no! She also called me one day when mommy left at 12 in the afternoon and came back at 5 saying she didn't know where mommy went, but it was to be with her lover of course. She has also told me of times where mommy sneaks away to talk "sweet" to this guy on the phone or locks herself in the bathroom to talk to him. Kids aren't dumb. They know what's going on.


Right, point the finger at your wife.

Look, you keep your kids out of as much as you can.

Don't make excuses like "she's it it like or not".. you don't have to be sharing these ugly details with her.

If your mom does, then you can't stop that. But you can stop feeding the drama into your child's ear. That is not helping your daughter at all. Stop making excuses here.

Kids know what's going on, but that does not mean you discuss with them in detail and cry to them about not being able to try anymore.

You offer your child love and reassurance, not your tears and hopelessness. That is not what a six year old needs to hear right now.

Be a man and a father, not some jilted teenager who got stood up at the prom.


----------



## happyman64

I cannot wait for Trublu to get pissed off.

I mean really pissed off.

Because when that happens he will do the following:

A. File for Divorce or at least Legal Separation
B. Listen to Mach and lose the weight. Be healthier.
C. When his daughter cries he can be a father figure and tell her "Your next Mommy will be beautiful, honest, loyal and Love both of us unconditionally"
D. Trade in that motorcycle for a hot two seater. For him and his kid. Later change that to: for him and his new girlfriends......

Change happens when you decide to make changes TruBlu.

And those changes can be positive only when you decide you have had enough sh!t for one day and decide to better yourself, your life and your future.

Get to it. And stop waiting for your wife. Do you honestly think some 22 year old stud wants to be bonking your wife for years to come while having to play StepDad at his age.

Hell No!

Make sure you laugh last when the OM dumps her.

HM


----------



## PhillyGuy13

trueblu8 said:


> Sorry guys but my daughter's in it whether I want her to be or not. I try to keep her out of it cause I know no kid needs that burden. But her mommy already asked her if it was okay for her to have boyfriend. But daughter said she thought about it for a second then realized what her mommy was asking and said no! She also called me one day when mommy left at 12 in the afternoon and came back at 5 saying she didn't know where mommy went, but it was to be with her lover of course. She has also told me of times where mommy sneaks away to talk "sweet" to this guy on the phone or locks herself in the bathroom to talk to him. Kids aren't dumb. They know what's going on.


I thought she was a "fantastic mother?"

No fantastic mother would ever put their 6 year old in this situation. To ask a 6 year old if it is ok to have a boyfriend? When she's barely moved out of the house??? 

Dude I'm sorry. Rip the band-aid off.

It's all been said at this point.


----------



## Openminded

Your mom knows your wife and she's recommending you get out. You should listen. 

As to your daughter, she wants her parents together so naturally she's not going to be in favor of a divorce. Minimize those conversations. And never make promises to her you might have to break.


----------



## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> She has also told me of times where mommy sneaks away to talk "sweet" to this guy on the phone or locks herself in the bathroom to talk to him. Kids aren't dumb. They know what's going on.


Let me take one more crack at this trueblu.

What kind of example are you setting for your daughter? 

1 - That her father lacks confidence and self respect.

2 - That's it's OK to accept a spouse's cheating and be a plan B in waiting.

3 - That there are no consequences for cheating.

All that means that she will have a skewed view on infidelity when she grows up. Probably one that will not serve her well.

Wake the f*ck up.


----------



## PBear

So your daughter has clued in that it's not acceptable in a marriage for your wife to have a boyfriend (and gotten mad at your wife about it), but you haven't? Seriously dude. Get mad. Get custody of your daughter. It's been 2 MONTHS that you've known what's going on. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi

trueblu8 said:


> A few members of her family and one of my friends have actually suggested that I do this. In fact my friend insists that it's mandatory. Her cousins have said I need to man up and handle this. They've all said don't do it yourself, have some other guys do it, and be somewhere like with the in laws or something so you have a good alibi. And then after the fact just deny, deny, deny. They said the wife will be pissed but that the OM will get the message and will end the affair.


What exactly are your friends and her family members recommending that you have other guys do to the other man?



trueblu8 said:


> Is there any way I can do that without filing for custody and divorce?


No. If you want any chance at all to save your marriage you must file for divorce. There is no other way. But filing for divorce is just the beginning. If you file, and your wife's fog clears, and she wants back in, you're the sort of guy who would immediately fold and welcome her back with open arms. That won't work either.




trueblu8 said:


> My poor kid though. She's going to be devastated when I tell her that daddy can't try anymore and has to file for divorce. Truth be told it's going to hurt me too.


Truth be told, this isn't really about your daughter.

It's about you and your fear of losing your wife.


----------



## trueblu8

badmemory said:


> Let me take one more crack at this trueblu.
> 
> What kind of example are you setting for your daughter?
> 
> 1 - That her father lacks confidence and self respect.
> 
> 2 - That's it's OK to accept a spouse's cheating and be a plan B in waiting.
> 
> 3 - That there are no consequences for cheating.
> 
> All that means that she will have a skewed view on infidelity when she grows up. Probably one that will not serve her well.
> 
> Wake the f*ck up.


Your post rings so true it brought tears to my eyes. I know you are right. 
Why is it so hard for me to let her go?


----------



## trueblu8

lenzi said:


> Truth be told, this isn't really about your daughter.
> 
> It's about you and your fear of losing your wife.


True. But it's also about me wanting the three of us to be together and happy again. 
My daughter and I both want that.


----------



## arbitrator

]


Truthseeker1 said:


> I would not post this - you are begging him to stop what he is doing. This won't help matters.


*I totally concur! While it will indeed bring things out into the open, it will only make him that much more determined to see your W, all at the risk of even losing his own family!

"Strange" does absolutely weird stuff to people's minds!

If you're going to "out them," do it anonymously on Cheaterville!*


----------



## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> Your post rings so true it brought tears to my eyes. I know you are right.
> Why is it so hard for me to let her go?


I honestly don't know trueblu. This is the most egregious of betrayals. For most BS's the anger would have taken over long ago. 

You need to get into counseling to find out. Perhaps you're a co-dependent. Perhaps there are other deep set issues. You've just got to find the strength. If you want a better life, you've got to pull the trigger.


----------



## Openminded

If ending marriages were easy, fewer people would be in bad ones.


----------



## toonaive

trueblu8 said:


> Your post rings so true it brought tears to my eyes. I know you are right.
> Why is it so hard for me to let her go?


/

Because you are still emotionally connected to the wife/person you thought she was. She is no longer that person. If she ever will be again, or possibly ever was. My almost XW, once told me "you don't really know me, you only think you do." I didn't realize how prophetic that statement was at the time. She was right, I never really knew her. 

All the advise you have been given in this thread, will help you regain your sense of self. Without your wife. This is important! Wish I had all this advise 9 years ago. It would have saved me alot of time, money, and anguish.


----------



## Openminded

trueblu8 said:


> True. But it's also about me wanting the three of us to be together and happy again.
> My daughter and I both want that.


You want what used to be. Or what you thought was the case. That marriage is gone. Even if you R you aren't going to get that marriage back. You would have to make a new one. One in which you don't have the trust you used to have. R is a very hard road.


----------



## Wolf9

trueblu8 said:


> Actually one of my friends mentioned this. He said you think this is the first time dude? This is just the one she liked enough to leave you for.


If this is the case then (Post by Graywolf2 )-

Buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for about $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and your daughter's with a Q-tip. Mail the kit to a lab along with an additional $130. 

You are not testing your daughter, you are testing your wife.


----------



## trueblu8

Openminded said:


> You want what used to be. Or what you thought was the case. That marriage is gone. Even if you R you aren't going to get that marriage back. You would have to make a new one. One in which you don't have the trust you used to have. R is a very hard road.


Yes.


----------



## Riley_Z

trueblu8 said:


> Yes.


OK, yes.. so what are you going to do about it?

Cry some more?

It's not attractive TB.

Be a man.


----------



## trueblu8

Wolf9 said:


> If this is the case then (Post by Graywolf2 )-
> 
> Buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for about $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and your daughter's with a Q-tip. Mail the kit to a lab along with an additional $130.
> 
> You are not testing your daughter, you are testing your wife.


No she's not bad like that at all. And my daughter is mine. She looks just like me. I even know the moment she got pregnant. Apart from what she's doing now, my wife is not a horrible person. Like she says she just got tempted, and because of all the problems we were having she didn't want to resist it anymore. I know it's a poor excuse. But it is what it is. At least she told me the truth. She has also told me she doesn't want to see me hurting and that not to have faith in her or wait for her. She wants me to move on and forget about her. She doesn't want to see me in pain. She says she will always care for me as the father of our daughter but just wants to be friends now. I told her I will never want to be just friends with her.


----------



## Q tip

Dude,

Read Wranglermans thread. It was just posted on like yesterday. Look for it. Find it, Read. Maybe PM wranglerman. 

Read MMSLP. You should have read it already. It will explain why you are doing what it is you're doing right now.


----------



## wranglerman

Sorry, but this is killing me.

Wake the f*** up c0ck sucker, she wants him, not you, you want her back and did all the idiotic nice things you thought would show her how cool you are and how yo would do anything for her and allow her to be free and still be your wife.

File for D, petition for 50/50 custody and get on with your life.

Stop day dreaming that she is coming back to be with you, if she does come back to you it certainly aint because you rock her world, it'll be because she feels she needs the security blanket of a H to fall back on, right now, you are her security blanket.

If she came back tonight and said all the pretty words to you, how would that make you feel?

My STBXW said all the pretty words for over 2yrs and still cheated again, get over it, stop signing on to being plan B and start being your own plan A for gods sakes.


----------



## Q tip

trueblu8 said:


> No she's not bad like that at all. And my daughter is mine. She looks just like me. I even know the moment she got pregnant. Apart from what she's doing now, my wife is not a horrible person. Like she says she just got tempted, and because of all the problems we were having she didn't want to resist it anymore. I know it's a poor excuse. But it is what it is. At least she told me the truth. She has also told me she doesn't want to see me hurting and that not to have faith in her or wait for her. She wants me to move on and forget about her. She doesn't want to see me in pain. She says she will always care for me as the father of our daughter but just wants to be friends now. I told her I will never want to be just friends with her.


I can't believe what I just read...

Because what she's doing, she's horrible. DNA the child show wifey you're pissed. Poor excuse? Zero excuse. She owns it 100%. She wants you to rug sweep this so she can continue without consequences. Ever heard of caveman response? Friends? Friends! Told you the truth? Ever hear of trickle truth. 

MMSLP now! It will help you learn about you and make you a better man for your next relationship.


----------



## SevenYears

I'm thinking that it probably would be best to see a lawyer regarding divorce and especially custody. You mentioned earlier that you were a SAHF so I would have thought you would be the primary carer after the split. 

I just hope that in a few months time your WS doesn't get dumped by the OM and accepted straight back by you. I'm not saying this to be nasty but this would only show that you are plan B. It would be very likely that she would have another affair when someone else comes along.

On the other hand if she ends it there may be some hope.

Also continue to lose weight and improve on yourself but not for her. You need to do this for yourself. Good luck.


----------



## Q tip

wranglerman said:


> Sorry, but this is killing me.
> 
> Wake the f*** up c0ck sucker, she wants him, not you, you want her back and did all the idiotic nice things you thought would show her how cool you are and how yo would do anything for her and allow her to be free and still be your wife.
> 
> File for D, petition for 50/50 custody and get on with your life.
> 
> Stop day dreaming that she is coming back to be with you, if she does come back to you it certainly aint because you rock her world, it'll be because she feels she needs the security blanket of a H to fall back on, right now, you are her security blanket.
> 
> If she came back tonight and said all the pretty words to you, how would that make you feel?
> 
> My STBXW said all the pretty words for over 2yrs and still cheated again, get over it, stop signing on to being plan B and start being your own plan A for gods sakes.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

There needs to be a nuclear like button. A regular like just don't cut it here.


----------



## ThePheonix

wranglerman said:


> Sorry, but this is killing me.
> 
> Wake the f*** up c0ck sucker, she wants him, not you, you want her back and did all the idiotic nice things you thought would show her how cool you are and how yo would do anything for her and allow her to be free and still be your wife..


 et.al.










This guys so lost he can't find his azz with both hands. Women will have him chasing his tail all his life.


----------



## aug

trueblu8 said:


> True. But it's also about me wanting the three of us to be together and happy again.
> My daughter and I both want that.



Happiness is gone.

Should you 3 in the off-chance get together again, you will never get the image or movie of a 22 year old young stud pounding your 35 (?) year old wife out of your head. That'll be a lifetime of self-induced torture.


----------



## Q tip

Your WW destroyed your marriage. Completely. It is in the past. Dead and buried. If you get back together (I don't see that happening, Mr Beta) imagine this new relationship. 

Aug is right. Self induced torture. You need to wake up, grow up, grow a real pair, read MMSLP and NNMNG and become a guy that a woman wants. 

You are her plan B right now. These books will teach you something. Heck, even if you read the advice here, you should be learning something. 

Wife is toxic and undesirable for any real man. She cheats and lies.

She did you a favor. Head to the gym, heavy weights 3 times a week. Read those books, see a lawyer and get on with your life. Make the new you make her regret leaving you. Let her see the new you with a hot younger babe!


----------



## lenzi

trueblu8 said:


> I told her I will never want to be just friends with her.


Do you now realize how weak it is to speak to her that way?


----------



## PBear

The force is weak in this one. His testicles, he must find!

Yoda
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I love my carbs. Damn u guys!!!


If you like your carbs, you can keep your carbs.


----------



## Riley_Z

PBear said:


> The force is weak in this one. His testicles, he must find!
> 
> Yoda
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you.  That just made my day! lol

:rofl:


----------



## Suspecting2014

This is not mine, 

_Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them. _



Just move on and everything will change!!!


----------



## TRy

trueblu8 said:


> She also says it's cause I didn't want to get a regular job outside the house. I fix computers from home and am a stay at home dad. I pay all the bills. She pays for nothing. She has a job and works, but all her money is for her. I take my daughter to and from school every day. When she moved out in the end of January she took my daughter with her to live at her brother's house while she continues with the OM.


 If you pay all the bills, she has no right to complain about how you do it. She is just making an excuse. If it were not this it would be something else, so stop listening to her phony reasons. Also, you paying all the bills and being the primary care giver, while she got to keep the money she earned should have told you that she did not think of you as her partner, but as someone to use. You should never allow such imbalance again. 

Another thing. If you were the primary care giver, why on earth did you let her take your daughter? If you stood up to her then and got an attorney, you would have had a great chance of keeping custody. You claim that you want what is best for your child. Back that up with action. Get an attorney right now and fight for custody of your daughter. Since your job lets you pay all the bills while being the primary care giver, you may still have a chance if you act quickly to get custody. Demand respect by filing for divorce and moving on. Divorce takes time, and if she does the hard work to be worthy of a second chance, you can maybe change your mind and stop the divorce. The odds of saving this marraige long term are not good, but demanding respect and moving on actually increased your odds.


----------



## TRy

trueblu8 said:


> I try to keep her out of it cause I know no kid needs that burden. But her mommy already asked her if it was okay for her to have boyfriend.


 This could help you get custody. Also, even if she keeps custody, you could ask the court to have your wife keep the other man away from your child as this is often granted. For the sake of your daughter, you need to man up, get an attorney and file ASAP.


----------



## lenzi

TRy said:


> This could help you get custody.


Keeping his daughter out of it isn't going to do much for him in regards to custody when he allowed the mother to move out of the house with his daughter. 



TRy said:


> Also, even if she keeps custody, you could ask the court to have your wife keep the other man away from your child as this is often granted.


This is just plain wrong. Unless there is some perceived danger to the child by the OM the courts will make no such order.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

trueblu8 said:


> Sorry guys but my daughter's in it whether I want her to be or not. I try to keep her out of it cause I know no kid needs that burden. But her mommy already asked her if it was okay for her to have boyfriend. But daughter said she thought about it for a second then realized what her mommy was asking and said no! She also called me one day when mommy left at 12 in the afternoon and came back at 5 saying she didn't know where mommy went, but it was to be with her lover of course. She has also told me of times where mommy sneaks away to talk "sweet" to this guy on the phone or locks herself in the bathroom to talk to him. Kids aren't dumb. They know what's going on.


Sorry dude, but quit acting like your situation is unique and you are a special little flower. Do you REALLY believe no poster here had to deal with kid issues? What you just typed is why you get a separation or custody papers NOW. At some point your kid is going to accept you are a wimp and side with mommy. Do you need the threads of multiple fathers, just like you, who are SHOCKED when their child sides with evil cheating mommy?

You are already bowing to your wife's pressure, do you need the added stress of your child freaking out? I won't mention the contradiction of you "keeping her out of it" when she is telling you of disappearances and "sweet talk." Get you head out of the sand before you lose everything you worked for.

Yes it sucks, but your kid turning on you will make it that much worse.


----------



## TRy

lenzi said:


> Keeping his daughter out of it isn't going to do much for him in regards to custody when he allowed the mother to move out of the house with his daughter.


 I agree. That is why I asked why on earth he allowed her to do this.



lenzi said:


> This is just plain wrong. Unless there is some perceived danger to the child by the OM the courts will make no such order.


 Actually, during a divorce some judges do not want a young child to have to deal with the introduction of an outside lover. If the wife does not want to agree with this, and the OP does, this could be a factor in awarding custody. I am only pointing out what may be possible. The OP needs to get an attorney that knows the divorce laws of his state.


----------



## tom67

He said he is in Chicago.

Illinois Divorce Laws - Illinois Divorce Source
Some more
http://www.chicagonow.com/divorce-chicago-style/2013/01/getting-divorce-2013-13-actions/


----------



## PBear

Actually, the guy isn't a trespasser. He was invited by the wife. Which is why many of us are telling the OP to worry about what to do about the wife. If the wife is hot, she'll just find another guy if she's open to it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Riley_Z

PBear said:


> Actually, the guy isn't a trespasser. He was invited by the wife. Which is why many of us are telling the OP to worry about what to do about the wife. If the wife is hot, she'll just find another guy if she's open to it.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's trespassing into the marriage yes.

He is very much a trespasser.

The wife inviting him doesn't matter. If the husband isn't' consenting then the OM doesn't' belong and is therefore trespassing.

The law may not see it that way, but I would like to think everyone here at least agrees?


----------



## just got it 55

Truthseeker1 said:


> If you want to expose him there are ways to do it without begging him to stop sleeping with your wife.


yup and internet castration 

55


----------



## PBear

Riley_Z said:


> He's trespassing into the marriage yes.
> 
> He is very much a trespasser.
> 
> The wife inviting him doesn't matter. If the husband isn't' consenting then the OM doesn't' belong and is therefore trespassing.
> 
> The law may not see it that way, but I would like to think everyone here at least agrees?


I'm not saying in any way that what he's doing is right. But the fact remains... Until the wife revokes the OM's "invitation", he can come and go as he pleases. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

He needs to let his wife accept at least 50% of the responsibility. Right now, he is giving her zero and blaming the 100% on the OM. Yeah, I'm with Pbear, I dislike the semantic argument of trespassing. She agreed to let him in the marriage, if he coerced, forced, blackmailed or anything of that sort I'd agree. He's 22, it's still completely wrong, but I'm giving him more of a break because he's barely an adult. Many youngsters his age don't respect their own relationships let alone understand marriage.

It's funny, this same scenario came up in another thread, but the genders were reversed. It's funny how no one has mentioned manipulation because he is male.


----------



## Riley_Z

PBear said:


> I'm not saying in any way that what he's doing is right. But the fact remains... Until the wife revokes the OM's "invitation", he can come and go as he pleases.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Until the law says otherwise yes, this trespasser can behave as he likes.

I agree with the earlier poster who suggested when filing the divorce that a motion be put in to keep third party trespassers away from the home where the children reside.

If it doesn't take, then it doesn't' take. I don't see the point in not even trying to get it done.

His wife is so squirrely right now she may just sign the paper without even reading it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Riley_Z said:


> His wife is so squirrely right now she may just sign the paper without even reading it.


He has to actually want to enact consequences in the first place. He doesn't even want to protect his own rights at this point.


----------



## Amplexor

Chris H. said:


> *Forum Rules:*
> 
> *1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.*
> Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, *promoting violence, will not be tolerated.*
> 
> 
> Chris Hartwell


----------



## Riley_Z

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He has to actually want to enact consequences in the first place. He doesn't even want to protect his own rights at this point.


Yup, and in effect, he's not protecting his daughter either.


----------



## Squeakr

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He needs to let his wife accept at least 50% of the responsibility. Right now, he is giving her zero and blaming the 100% on the OM. Yeah, I'm with Pbear, I dislike the semantic argument of trespassing. She agreed to let him in the marriage, if he coerced, forced, blackmailed or anything of that sort I'd agree. He's 22, it's still completely wrong, but I'm giving him more of a break because he's barely an adult. Many youngsters his age don't respect their own relationships let alone understand marriage.


Sorry, but if we are going with the premise that she invited him in then, we have to give her more than 50% culpability. I agree that he is trespassing, as the relationship was husband and wife only and not her place to invite a third party into that relationship without his consent, so he is trespassing, but I do concede that she invited him, so I see her being more responsible for this than just 50% (also she don't know that he didn't coerce her in some way. When they work together it is easy for those things got happen). Either way he needs to lawyer up and prep to get his daughter back and keep her away from such influences while in her mother's care (separation agreement at least and divorce decree that says like I stated before, neither has an overnight guest of the opposite sex that is not blood or marriage related and they will get the hint.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Squeakr said:


> Sorry, but if we are going with the premise that she invited him in then, we have to give her more than 50% culpability.


LOL, I said "at least." Right now He is not giving her ANY, so if he gives her "at least 50%" that is way better than where he is at which is currently ZERO. Plus, he wants to "wait 2 months." As to the rest, you two agree Myself and Pbear do not, no worries. I'm not going to engage in a 30 page post war to the detriment of the poster.


----------



## Decorum

This is an analogy, this is how some threads go.


"Hello nurses hot line"

"Yes my wife has a headache and I was thinking of ingesting a whole bottle of Tylenol"

Nurse to other people in the room- This guy has no idea how to address this problem, if I come on too strong he will think I am the wrongheaded one so I guess we will take it in small steps. Others in room, "yay there is no other choice if you want to help him."

Nurse to caller, "Sir are there directions on the bottle"

Caller "let me look"

Caller "Yes there are"

Nurse "what do they say"

Caller-reads the whole thing.

Nurse-"do any of those apply to you?"

Caller-"yes the dosage for an adult, 1 to 2 tablets every 4-6 hours as needed"

Nurse-"So what do you think would be the dosage you should take?"

Caller- "The adult dosage"

Nurse-'You have come a long way since you have called, may I ask what the bottle says it is for?"

Caller-"Yes for relief of headache pain"

Nurse- "So who has the pain?"

Caller-"My wife"

Nurse- "So who should take the medicine?"

Caller- "Well my wife, but she has trouble swallowing it so I was thinking it might help if I take it, besides she said I caused her headache."

Nurse- "but there really is a right way to address this, (with some flexibility of course 1 or 2 pills etc)"

Caller-"But will it hurt anything if I take it, who knows it might do some good right?"

Nurse-That is more than I know, but sir at some point you have to trust someone who has experience with this.

Caller-"Oh I appreciate your help, but I am not comfortable with your advise, I think I will take it and just wait it out."

Nurse-"That is your choice sir, and I respect your right to make it, the Tylenol may not help you but I think a couple will do me a world of good, I really wish you well sir, have a good day."

I think the best way to stop an affair is to blow it up.

Maybe some people need to suffer and be degraded for a while to find their self respect, IDK.

.


----------



## happyman64

trueblu8 said:


> No she's not bad like that at all. And my daughter is mine. She looks just like me. I even know the moment she got pregnant. Apart from what she's doing now, my wife is not a horrible person. Like she says she just got tempted, and because of all the problems we were having she didn't want to resist it anymore. I know it's a poor excuse. But it is what it is. At least she told me the truth. She has also told me she doesn't want to see me hurting and that not to have faith in her or wait for her. She wants me to move on and forget about her. She doesn't want to see me in pain. She says she will always care for me as the father of our daughter but just wants to be friends now. I told her I will never want to be just friends with her.


You should never be friends with her TruBlu. She does not deserve it.

She wants to see you move. She wants you to forget about her.

Why? To ease her guilty conscience.

So do not be friends with her. Be coparents with her.

And when she asks you why you cannot be friends tell her this.

Friends do not lie. Friends do not cheat. Friends do not break up families.

Friends fight for each other. Friends protect each other and their families.

When she can show you this then she deserves your friendship.

Do not settle for less. She needs to become a good person. 

Right now all she is is a bad influence.

Get a spine my man.

HM


----------



## Hardtohandle

I'm happy this OP posted as it makes me look more Macho during my Divorce. So thank you for that..

Sadly though 12 months from now you will come back and re-read all your posts and you will reflect back on emotions during those times and see what a SAP you are.. 

I'm just glad your Ex isnt cake eating and is moving on which basically forces you into Divorce.. I can say I am happy for my Ex doing the same. 

What you will realize when your brain normals out is there are women just dying to be with you. 

You want someone like your wife was ? Trust me you will find better. You find younger, better looking and making more money.. This woman will make you look better.. 

Read the Married Mans Sex Life Primer, even if it is just to pass the time. I read and I am starting to re-read it as it is helping me with new relationship.

I didn't see it mentioned or might have missed it. *THERAPY*... * DO IT*

If you're a semi reasonable man you will learn a lot from a good therapist.. Pick 3 and go visit them. Pick one out of those 3 you like the best and then maybe 2 weeks later pick another 2 and pick the best out of those 3..

Its a pain in the a$$ to do but its time well spent picking a good therapist.. 

Hopefully they will teach you and make you realize your soon to be Ex wife isn't nice.. 

Read my post in my signature and tell me it doesn't sound like you posting.. Read the first 5 to 10 pages and then read the last 10 pages. You will see where you are now and where you will be once you normal out.

Once you go to therapy you will see how basic this stuff is.. That there are only 3 relationship types. How this stuff is really about primitive emotions, hunter and gather stuff. At our basic instincts its about picking the best mate.. You will learn that even smell matters.. 

You will learn how Beta you are and why you needed to be more Alpha to keep her or get her back. But it is more than likely you are past that point already. 

In the end you can still get her back after you divorce and I know people who have done just that, but you need to fix yourself for yourself and not her. Again MMSLP will give you some insight and so will therapy..

Good luck to you.


----------



## trueblu8

Whew! That was a long read. Thanks Hth.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

trueblu8 said:


> Whew! That was a long read. Thanks Hth.


And so are you going to take action and file for divorce, or are you just going to keep being indecisive?


----------



## weightlifter

trueblu8 said:


> Sorry guys but my daughter's in it whether I want her to be or not. I try to keep her out of it cause I know no kid needs that burden. But her mommy already asked her if it was okay for her to have boyfriend. But daughter said she thought about it for a second then realized what her mommy was asking and said no! She also called me one day when mommy left at 12 in the afternoon and came back at 5 saying she didn't know where mommy went, but it was to be with her lover of course. She has also told me of times where mommy sneaks away to talk "sweet" to this guy on the phone or locks herself in the bathroom to talk to him. Kids aren't dumb. They know what's going on.


Dude. The wife is gone. You are indirectly showing your daughter it is okay for one spouse to cheat on another and there are no consequences.

Collect court worthy evidence of her cheating, then not only file divorce. Go nuclear and ask to be domicile parent. You wont get 100% custody unless she is banging him in front of your daughter or smoking crack, but make the point YOU are the better parent.

Chin up. There is a single mom out there going through the exact same thing you are right now. In the future... 6 mos, a year... One day you will meet her and just click...


----------



## weightlifter

HTH that post should be STICKIED! its going in my TAM reference document I keep of useful posts. (not the spy one. One I keep as a reference guide.)

BTW you are in a relationship?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-i-post-oms-facebook-page-15.html#post9637665


----------



## crossbar

Retain that lawyer and don't talk to the OM.

The a$$hat could give a damn about you, your marriage or your family. What make you think he cares about what you have to say?

This guy isn't afraid of you. But, do you know what he would be afraid of? A lawyer. 

Talk to a lawyer and set up for a legal separation for the intention of a divorce (don't worry, just because you file doesn't mean you have to get one). Then, have the lawyer put out a restraining order on the OM that he can't be around your kid while you two are working through a divorce.

See, family courts don't give a damn about you or your wife, what they care about is your daughter. Your lawyer can petition that your daughter shouldn't be around your wife's lover as it would be too stressful and too confusing for the child while you're working on a divorce. Judges would normally buy off on that and the RO will be issued to the OM.

Then talk to your lawyer about filing an alienation of affection lawsuit against the OM. If your state doesn't have that, then see about filing an Intentional Infliction to cause Emotional distress (or something like that) suit against the OM. 

See, your words won't scare the OM, but a RO and a lawsuit will. Chances are the OM is going to throw your WW under the bus in a New York minute. He's young and 22, he'll probably say to himself, " This old b*tch ain't worth all this hassle." And he'll run for the hills. Then she'll see his true colors and how much he "loves" her.

Will your WW be angry at you? YEP! Will she say evil and vile things towards you? YEP! Will she tell you crap like, "I was thinking about getting back with you, but not after this stunt, you blew it!" YEP! But, that's all fog talk. Bottomline, sooner or later, her brother is going to get tired of her being with him and she'll be limited on where she can go.


----------



## tom67

crossbar said:


> Retain that lawyer and don't talk to the OM.
> 
> The a$$hat could give a damn about you, your marriage or your family. What make you think he cares about what you have to say?
> 
> This guy isn't afraid of you. But, do you know what he would be afraid of? A lawyer.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer and set up for a legal separation for the intention of a divorce (don't worry, just because you file doesn't mean you have to get one). Then, have the lawyer put out a restraining order on the OM that he can't be around your kid while you two are working through a divorce.
> 
> See, family courts don't give a damn about you or your wife, what they care about is your daughter. Your lawyer can petition that your daughter shouldn't be around your wife's lover as it would be too stressful and too confusing for the child while you're working on a divorce. Judges would normally buy off on that and the RO will be issued to the OM.
> 
> Then talk to your lawyer about filing an alienation of affection lawsuit against the OM. If your state doesn't have that, then see about filing an Intentional Infliction to cause Emotional distress (or something like that) suit against the OM.
> 
> See, your words won't scare the OM, but a RO and a lawsuit will. Chances are the OM is going to throw your WW under the bus in a New York minute. He's young and 22, he'll probably say to himself, " This old b*tch ain't worth all this hassle." And he'll run for the hills. Then she'll see his true colors and how much he "loves" her.
> 
> Will your WW be angry at you? YEP! Will she say evil and vile things towards you? YEP! Will she tell you crap like, "I was thinking about getting back with you, but not after this stunt, you blew it!" YEP! But, that's all fog talk. Bottomline, sooner or later, her brother is going to get tired of her being with him and she'll be limited on where she can go.


Illinois is one of the few states that has alienation of affection I believe.


----------



## crossbar

tom67 said:


> Illinois is one of the few states that has alienation of affection I believe.



Is this guy from Illinois? Because if he is, then he's set for a good settlement. Illinois is one of the few "at fault" states as well.

Your lawyer will probably try and talk you out of filing an Alienation of Affection lawsuit because they are hard to win. But, I wouldn't look at winning that lawsuit is the desired goal here. I think that the desired goal here is to scare the hell out of the OM. And even if it goes to court and you lose the suit, you still win in the end because you're going to hurt him where it hurts the most. Smack him right in the wallet. Lawyers don't work for free on civil cases. And as a security guard at a school, he's probably making 10 bucks an hour. Hard for him and your WW to get an apartment when he's got all of these legal bills stacked up!


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## PBear

crossbar said:


> Is this guy from Illinois? Because if he is, then he's set for a good settlement. Illinois is one of the few "at fault" states as well.


The guy's a 22 year old security guard at a school. The odds of collecting anything close to the cost of pursuing a lawsuit are somewhere between slim and none. At best, the OP might scare him off, which will simply open the door for someone else to walk in. There's any number of guys that will sleep with a hot willing woman. Regardless of marital status. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

PBear said:


> The guy's a 22 year old security guard at a school. The odds of collecting anything close to the cost of pursuing a lawsuit are somewhere between slim and none. At best, the OP might scare him off, which will simply open the door for someone else to walk in. There's any number of guys that will sleep with a hot willing woman. Regardless of marital status.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, but if he goes for a DIVORCE, he should come out for the better because he could file under adultery considering that Illinois is still an at fault state. He could go for full custody and stand a chance of winning. Division of martial assets would swing his way in the settlement. 

And the Alienation of Affection lawsuit, even if he wins, I doubt he would collect anything either. I just want this guy's wallet to hurt. Maybe he'll think twice before getting mixed up with a married woman. That his actions have consequences and some of those he might not like. But, it's his choice of he wants to go this route. He can discuss it with the lawyer.


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## PBear

You know why the lawyers don't advise people to file for lawsuits like "alienation of affection"? Because they're not emotionally invested in the fight and look at it from a practical point of view. They get paid by the hour. A lawsuit that's a "lot of work" means a "lot of money" for the lawyer. But they know that the payback for the client will be minimal, and there's a good chance they'll lose anyway. So I get that you're suggesting that the OM's wallet will be hurting. But the OP's wallet will be hurting just as much, if not more. 

As far as Illinois and adultery/divorce... Yes, he can file for at fault. But guess what? My quick research shows that it doesn't affect division of propery or spousal support. It also doesn't affect custody, unless it affects a parent's ability to parent or the child's well being. And that would all have to be proven in court. Again, in many cases a lawyer would recommend against filing "at fault" because of the cost and limited ROI. The odd of winning are slim, the cost is high, and the return is likely limited in financial value. But it MIGHT be worthwhile emotionally, both for the OP and his daughter. Only he can decide that. 

But considering he's known about the affair for two months and still hasn't done anything about getting custody even though he was the primary caregiver, it seems like a moot point...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

One of the flaws of this website is misinformed legal advice. It's why I now say get a lawyer. Always remember, Custody issues are handled separately from the divorce decree. Now, you can sign off at the same time, but if either spouse contests the agreement, custody will be handled on its own merits.

It's why you'll see a caught cheater, with proof presented in court getting full custody. The judges look at time working, bonding, the child's wants, who did most of the actual parenting and disruption before considering an affair. That's if you get lucky and a judge takes infidelity into account. There are enough statistics out there and surveys that say many do not. Let's not even broach the gender issue, although it is getting better, it is still ugly for men.


----------



## Hardtohandle

weightlifter said:


> HTH that post should be STICKIED! its going in my TAM reference document I keep of useful posts. (not the spy one. One I keep as a reference guide.)
> 
> BTW you are in a relationship?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-i-post-oms-facebook-page-15.html#post9637665


Not to derail, but yea I think so.. We are together 11 months.. Its been rough because of some stupid issues on my part and some on her part.. But we are both committed to making it work beyond any REAL issues. 

But to bring it back to this threads relevance.
1. She is 10 years younger then my Ex.. 7 younger then me.
2. She makes 6 figure salary. 
3. She is very attractive and not because I am saying it. *(in many ways that is part of my insecurity)*
4. She tells me she loves me and says things to me as a person that would love someone would say. I can relate because I have said similar things to my Ex wife in the past. Meaning expressing how she feels and thinks about me, what goes in her when she thinks about.. ETC.. 
5. She has dealt with my nonsense which is big trust me.
6. And she never cheated on her Ex during a 20 year relationship/marriage and never cheated on me.

So if I am going to compare the G.F. to the Ex wife its a no brainer.. And I can see there are many more women out here in the world that would want to be with me. There are just so many women age 38 to 45 ( my range ) who are tired of the nonsense that there is many to pick from. 

I would never go back to my EX-wife.. Never.. 

As I type this one son is on xbox right behind me in the living room and my oldest is in his bedroom playing counter strike.. They have zero issues that their mother isn't here.. It truly is fvcking awesome.. 

I can only imagine how boring her life is not having the kids with her.


----------



## manfromlamancha

And by the way, pleeeeze, stop with the "she's not that bad apart from this" sh!t. She IS that bad!


----------



## weightlifter

Philly. I agree about 90 percent.

Except many are timid in filing for cause when it is available.

If you hurt me or my family, and the cost to me nets out the same. I choose what hurts my enemy. Yes im part klingon.

Now i have no idea if illinois is true fault divorce with real consequenes in division and alimony... If it is true. The word i advise for him is:
Destroy!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

weightlifter said:


> Philly. I agree about 90 percent.
> 
> Except many are timid in filing for cause when it is available.
> 
> If you hurt me or my family, and the cost to me nets out the same. I choose what hurts my enemy. Yes im part klingon.
> 
> Now i have no idea if illinois is true fault divorce with real consequenes in division and alimony... If it is true. The word i advise for him is:
> Destroy!


This is all well and good, but you missed my point. I talked specifically about custody being separate from the divorce, unless it is included and agreed upon before going to court. I didn't tell him not to file for relief under his laws, I'm addressing the advice it may help with full custody.



> Yeah, but if he goes for a DIVORCE, he should come out for the better because he could file under adultery considering that Illinois is still an at fault state. He could go for full custody and stand a chance of winning.


He may not have meant it the way I read it, but I wanted to explain custody is a separate issue.


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## PhillyGuy13

True blue you doing ok? A lot to take in over the past day or so. What's up?


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## trueblu8

Yes. I'm doing okay. Just reading and thinking a lot. Continuing to better myself. Spoke with a couple lawyers today. One said she didn't even know what alienation of affection was and the other said he wouldn't do it for ethical reasons. The lady said IL is a no fault state. Both said they wouldn't pursue the place of employment thing and that I'd have to get a different type of lawyer to do that. Said they just handle divorce and custody. Lady said a custody battle could run me about 25k. The guy was a pretty cool dude and really took the time to explain everything to me in full detail and also to listen to my story. And it's not the first time I've spoken with him. It's been about three times now and he was like that every time. His firm has very good reviews on yelp. The lady was from a referral that I got from my PI. She was kind of a ***** and in a rush to get off the phone like most lawyers. Not a good sign. Basically I told the guy I'd get back to him. I told him the major issue with my wife is that she wants to take my daughter out of her school. This is something that I do not want. I told him I would talk with my wife to see if we can come to some type of agreement, otherwise I may have to pursue legal action. We also talked about possibly getting counseling. Although the first two times ended horrendously. First we went to these nuns who do family counseling. And we had to see different nuns cause one said after hearing my side that she couldn't see my wife cause she might be biased against her. It was really ridiculous. Then my wife goes to see the other nun who basically told her if she was unhappy in her marriage that she didn't have to stay in it. I was like what the hell?! Why couldn't they have told her that she's freaking married in the church and that adultery is wrong and that she was breaking not only her wedding vows but the 7th commandment. And the nun goes to me well we can't be too hard on her cause then she wouldn't want to come back. Lol. So then just recently we went to this lady that I found online somewhere. God knows how I found her but it was an absolute nightmare. She was cool enough the few times I talked to her on the phone but after about an hour into our session she ends up siding with my wife. She goes I'm sorry but I gotta take your wife's side on this. She basically told me that I deserved it and that she didn't see any reason why a relationship between a 35 year old woman like my wife and a 22 year old punk like this kid couldn't work out. I told her she was delusional. She said she knew couples with 20 and 30 year age gaps that are perfectly happy. Where the hell did I find this lady? Thank God she didn't charge me for the session. It took all the restraint I had not to blow up on her ass. No wonder she is divorced. She must've brought some baggage to the table. So anyway I'm thinking great, the two counseling sessions we went to must've just bolstered my wife's resolve as to what she's doing. Freaking ridiculous. I told my wife I would look for at least one more counselor. But this time I would thoroughly research them and read their reviews. So I come across this guy and he flat out tells me, I'm sorry but I won't counsel couples where there is an ongoing affair. I told him, you know what, you're a smart man. I mean how the hell are you going to go to counseling and work on your marriage if your spouse is having an affair with someone and refuses to end it. That has to stop before you can even think about working on your marriage. So that's where I'm at. Just reading a ton. Soaking it all up. Weighing my options.

I will say one thing though. Most of her family is pretty cool. Like tonight, I go over there to drop my daughter off, both her aunt and her sister in law make comments about how good I look and how did I take off so much weight so fast. The aunt even said I smelled good. I texted her later and thanked her. I told her I was following rule number thirteen. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. She lol'd and said good. I have to admit it felt really good that she noticed. Of course they always try to talk me up for my wife and I love them for it. But my wife is in a fog. And I don't think she really gives a **** cause all she's got on her mind is that other guy. I told her her earlier today what a few of you said here. I told her what's it going to take for her to stop? Is it going to have to end badly for her? I think it is. I asked her do you really think a 22 year old wants to live with a 35 year old woman and her 6 year old daughter? And I mentioned what someone said here, how is he going to bring his women home if you're there. And then I asked my daughter in front of her, do you want to live with some other man and mommy that's not your daddy? Of course we all know what the answer to that was. I don't know if any of this got through to her but hopefully it made her think a little bit.


----------



## trueblu8

Hardtohandle said:


> Not to derail, but yea I think so.. We are together 11 months.. Its been rough because of some stupid issues on my part and some on her part.. But we are both committed to making it work beyond any REAL issues.
> 
> But to bring it back to this threads relevance.
> 1. She is 10 years younger then my Ex.. 7 younger then me.
> 2. She makes 6 figure salary.
> 3. She is very attractive and not because I am saying it. *(in many ways that is part of my insecurity)*
> 4. She tells me she loves me and says things to me as a person that would love someone would say. I can relate because I have said similar things to my Ex wife in the past. Meaning expressing how she feels and thinks about me, what goes in her when she thinks about.. ETC..
> 5. She has dealt with my nonsense which is big trust me.
> 6. And she never cheated on her Ex during a 20 year relationship/marriage and never cheated on me.
> 
> So if I am going to compare the G.F. to the Ex wife its a no brainer.. And I can see there are many more women out here in the world that would want to be with me. There are just so many women age 38 to 45 ( my range ) who are tired of the nonsense that there is many to pick from.
> 
> I would never go back to my EX-wife.. Never..
> 
> As I type this one son is on xbox right behind me in the living room and my oldest is in his bedroom playing counter strike.. They have zero issues that their mother isn't here.. It truly is fvcking awesome..
> 
> I can only imagine how boring her life is not having the kids with her.


Hth, I must've skimmed over the part of your thread where you talked about how you got custody of your kids back. What page was that on? Or how did it happen?

Also, I just wanted to say that your story is quite inspirational. It makes me feel good that you don't even give a second thought to your ex anymore. And congratulations on getting a girl that is hotter, younger, and cooler than her. I am really happy for you man.


----------



## Decorum

TrueBlu,
At some point she will come back, they most always do. 6 months to 3 or 4 years usually. Often by the time they do the BS has moved on and is unwilling to try again.

You sound like you are capable of moving on, but of course it seems like you wish you could work it out.

She will say "I made the biggest mistake of my life, and shed huge crocadile tears" maybe.

You will probably be plan "B" but a good choice for her to grow old with. Will you be happy? I hope you put yourself first going forward (of course that includes what is best for your daughter.)

What do you want yor life to look like 5 years from now?
It is not too early to begin thinking and planning for it.

How easily can you be with your wife at that time and get past this?
Are you willing to do the counseling and work to rebuild or just suffer status quo till death do you part?

Is she capable of doing the work to make it good for the two of you? Or is she just too broken?

It’s ok to ask yourself these questions.

Right now it seems you have to plan on moving on without her.
Show your daughter how to rebound, make good choces and chose a better life. I am sorry you find yourself in that spot.

Hey I really do wish you well.
Take care!


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## trueblu8

Thanks.


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## Turin74

A lawyer that wouldn't push your agenda for ethical reasons? A nun *that said you deserved it? A 'lady from internet' (wtf) that sided with your wife? That aunt (wife's) that complimented your smell? You, trying to be cheerful? Wow, man, you really know how to control your environment.

Let me tell you one thing: I do agree with the most here that your wife's A won't last, but I can guuarantee she won't come back (at least until you understand what 'better yourself' means)





trueblu8 said:


> Yes. I'm doing okay. Just reading and thinking a lot. Continuing to better myself. Spoke with a couple lawyers today. One said she didn't even know what alienation of affection was and the other said he wouldn't do it for ethical reasons. The lady said IL is a no fault state. Both said they wouldn't pursue the place of employment thing and that I'd have to get a different type of lawyer to do that. Said they just handle divorce and custody. Lady said a custody battle could run me about 25k. The guy was a pretty cool dude and really took the time to explain everything to me in full detail and also to listen to my story. And it's not the first time I've spoken with him. It's been about three times now and he was like that every time. His firm has very good reviews on yelp. The lady was from a referral that I got from my PI. She was kind of a ***** and in a rush to get off the phone like most lawyers. Not a good sign. Basically I told the guy I'd get back to him. I told him the major issue with my wife is that she wants to take my daughter out of her school. This is something that I do not want. I told him I would talk with my wife to see if we can come to some type of agreement, otherwise I may have to pursue legal action. We also talked about possibly getting counseling. Although the first two times ended horrendously. First we went to these nuns who do family counseling. And we had to see different nuns cause one said after hearing my side that she couldn't see my wife cause she might be biased against her. It was really ridiculous. Then my wife goes to see the other nun who basically told her if she was unhappy in her marriage that she didn't have to stay in it. I was like what the hell?! Why couldn't they have told her that she's freaking married in the church and that adultery is wrong and that she was breaking not only her wedding vows but the 7th commandment. And the nun goes to me well we can't be too hard on her cause then she wouldn't want to come back. Lol. So then just recently we went to this lady that I found online somewhere. God knows how I found her but it was an absolute nightmare. She was cool enough the few times I talked to her on the phone but after about an hour into our session she ends up siding with my wife. She goes I'm sorry but I gotta take your wife's side on this. She basically told me that I deserved it and that she didn't see any reason why a relationship between a 35 year old woman like my wife and a 22 year old punk like this kid couldn't work out. I told her she was delusional. She said she knew couples with 20 and 30 year age gaps that are perfectly happy. Where the hell did I find this lady? Thank God she didn't charge me for the session. It took all the restraint I had not to blow up on her ass. No wonder she is divorced. She must've brought some baggage to the table. So anyway I'm thinking great, the two counseling sessions we went to must've just bolstered my wife's resolve as to what she's doing. Freaking ridiculous. I told my wife I would look for at least one more counselor. But this time I would thoroughly research them and read their reviews. So I come across this guy and he flat out tells me, I'm sorry but I won't counsel couples where there is an ongoing affair. I told him, you know what, you're a smart man. I mean how the hell are you going to go to counseling and work on your marriage if your spouse is having an affair with someone and refuses to end it. That has to stop before you can even think about working on your marriage. So that's where I'm at. Just reading a ton. Soaking it all up. Weighing my options.
> 
> I will say one thing though. Most of her family is pretty cool. Like tonight, I go over there to drop my daughter off, both her aunt and her sister in law make comments about how good I look and how did I take off so much weight so fast. The aunt even said I smelled good. I texted her later and thanked her. I told her I was following rule number thirteen. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. She lol'd and said good. I have to admit it felt really good that she noticed. Of course they always try to talk me up for my wife and I love them for it. But my wife is in a fog. And I don't think she really gives a **** cause all she's got on her mind is that other guy. I told her her earlier today what a few of you said here. I told her what's it going to take for her to stop? Is it going to have to end badly for her? I think it is. I asked her do you really think a 22 year old wants to live with a 35 year old woman and her 6 year old daughter? And I mentioned what someone said here, how is he going to bring his women home if you're there. And then I asked my daughter in front of her, do you want to live with some other man and mommy that's not your daddy? Of course we all know what the answer to that was. I don't know if any of this got through to her but hopefully it made her think a little bit.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## BobSimmons

What are the "ethical reasons" a lawyer won't take on a divorce case? Strange


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## Turin74

You see, this is a strange bit. I've dealt w/many lawyers (not family though).

A lawyer may say 'won't do what are you asking for, its illegal'. Or 'this not going to work, we'll loose'. Or 'It will take a lot of time and money'. More often than not they will offer an alternative strategy. In extreme cases, lawyer may decline to represent. But a family lawyer declining to do a basics of divorce case because of 'ethical reasons'? 




BobSimmons said:


> What are the "ethical reasons" a lawyer won't take on a divorce case? Strange


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## manfromlamancha

I don't know what law schools these lawyers went to. Not knowing what alienation of affection is bad enough, but a divorce lawyer "who only deals with divorce" and will not pursue alienation of affection on ethical grounds is completely crazy. He must have been one of those just made it through law school type of lawyers that doesn't do anything too long drawn out or difficult because he doesn't really know how or have the temperament to.

These are far from the kind of lawyers you need. You need a killer shark that will go for the jugular and give you the best chance of custody and will also nail the school's a$$ on allowing or even supporting this kind of behaviour. You really want one that will get both of them fired! So don't settle for some half-a$$ lawyer TruBlu.

This episode with the nuns and the lady from the internet reads like a nightmare. Why did you see a nun instead of a priest ? Nuns are not really qualified to give advice. And as for whacko divorced lady from the internet, I hope you have learned a lesson there. In any case you are completely right - there is no point in counselling until the affair is broken.

So come on, get a good lawyer (does anyone on this forum know good attack lawyers in Chicago/IL area ? Help!) and get this show on the road asap.


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## PhillyGuy13

Chicago is a big city - keep looking for a lawyer until you are comfortable with one.

If you have a primary care doctor, ask for a referral for a counselor. Forget MC, but find a counselor you can speak one on one with. At a minimum primary care doc may be able to give you something to take the edge off, anxiety wise.

Don't discuss custody in front of the child, no matter who is right or wrong, especially a baited question about another man, it will just confuse and upset her even more.

Make sure you've secured a bank account in your name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive

Please be very careful, and measure what you say to your in-laws. As many have said here, and I have experienced myself, blood is always thicker than water, when push comes to shove. Keep your plans and strategies to yourself. Consult more attorneys if you need to.


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## Hardtohandle

manfromlamancha said:


> And by the way, pleeeeze, stop with the "she's not that bad apart from this" sh!t. She IS that bad!


I used to say that as well in my posts.


----------



## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> So I come across this guy and he flat out tells me, I'm sorry but I won't counsel couples where there is an ongoing affair.


trueblu,

If you had asked us, we'd have told you the same. MC is a waist of time and money when the WS is still in the A. 

Counselors that are experienced in dealing with infidelity can be difficult to find. There are a lot of horrible ones without that experience. A nun? What the hell do they know about dealing with infidelity? You've got to be kidding me.

Until you decide to follow the solid advice that you've been given, your misery will continue.


----------



## trueblu8

Decorum said:


> TrueBlu,
> At some point she will come back, they most always do. 6 months to 3 or 4 years usually. Often by the time they do the BS has moved on and is unwilling to try again.
> 
> You sound like you are capable of moving on, but of course it seems like you wish you could work it out.
> 
> She will say "I made the biggest mistake of my life, and shed huge crocodile tears" maybe.
> 
> You will probably be plan "B" but a good choice for her to grow old with. Will you be happy? I hope you put yourself first going forward (of course that includes what is best for your daughter.)
> 
> What do you want your life to look like 5 years from now?
> It is not too early to begin thinking and planning for it.
> 
> How easily can you be with your wife at that time and get past this?
> 
> Are you willing to do the counseling and work to rebuild or just suffer status quo till death do you part?
> 
> Is she capable of doing the work to make it good for the two of you? Or is she just too broken?
> 
> It’s ok to ask yourself these questions.
> 
> Right now it seems you have to plan on moving on without her.
> Show your daughter how to rebound, make good choices and choose a better life. I am sorry you find yourself in that spot.
> 
> Hey I really do wish you well.
> Take care!


I couldn't stop thinking about your post this morning and how right you are about everything. This is going to be tough. And I've got a lot of thinking to do and questions to ask myself.


----------



## trueblu8

toonaive said:


> Please be very careful, and measure what you say to your in-laws. As many have said here, and I have experienced myself, blood is always thicker than water, when push comes to shove. Keep your plans and strategies to yourself. Consult more attorneys if you need to.


One of my friends told me that. He was like why the hell are you consorting with the enemy?! Lol. I was like they're on our side man. They were the ones that brought it up to me what to do. There are a lot of people in her family that don't like what she's doing regardless of the whole blood is thicker than water thing.


----------



## changedbeliefs

Be the kind of person you want to be, plain and simple. Don't do it to spite her, spit in his face, prove them wrong, or whatever; do it because you want to be a certain kind of person.

Let your wife be who she wants to be. Sounds like you should divorce her. She f'd up, she can either turn it around from here, or turn into some raging Lifetime movie train wreck. But if she tries to turn it around, and is willing to be a cooperative, positive co-parent, then all the better for you and your daughter.

I don't believe affairs de facto "destroy" children; if that were true, with the prevalence of divorce, there'd be a lot of "destroyed" people running around. Does it "destroy" a family? It breaks it up, yeah, it makes for a new dynamic everyone has to figure out, but there's no reason it can't still manage to be supportive. I come back to, you can only control what you do and the kind of character you want to have. Good luck.


----------



## trueblu8

manfromlamancha said:


> I don't know what law schools these lawyers went to. Not knowing what alienation of affection is bad enough, but a divorce lawyer "who only deals with divorce" and will not pursue alienation of affection on ethical grounds is completely crazy. He must have been one of those just made it through law school type of lawyers that doesn't do anything too long drawn out or difficult because he doesn't really know how or have the temperament to.
> 
> These are far from the kind of lawyers you need. You need a killer shark that will go for the jugular and give you the best chance of custody and will also nail the school's a$$ on allowing or even supporting this kind of behavior. You really want one that will get both of them fired! So don't settle for some half-a$$ lawyer TruBlu.
> 
> This episode with the nuns and the lady from the internet reads like a nightmare. Why did you see a nun instead of a priest? Nuns are not really qualified to give advice. And as for whacko divorced lady from the internet, I hope you have learned a lesson there. In any case you are completely right - there is no point in counseling until the affair is broken.
> 
> So come on, get a good lawyer (does anyone on this forum know good attack lawyers in Chicago/IL area ? Help!) and get this show on the road asap.


I will keep searching for a better lawyer guys, one that will go after their place of employment and the school if necessary and that is familiar with and willing to take on an alienation of affection case. I think you are right and that that guy that was so patient with me on the phone was just out of school and probably hard up for clients, hence the reason he was so patient and taking the time to explain everything in full detail without even having been paid a dime yet. 

I will also try to see if I can find a better counselor, one that will work with couples where this is an ongoing affair, and one that is solution based. And you are right. I think a priest would've been much better than those nuns. In fact I talked to my local pastor a while back when I first found out about all this and he said it sounds like your wife has her head screwed on backwards. That's the kind of guy I need to talk to her. I will see if I can make an appointment with him to see us. She hasn't been going to church though the last two Sundays. Not a good sign. I was wondering when the guilt would take over. I know it's hard for her to even look at me now.

You know I was thinking about it, and you guys are right. I did allow myself to become a beta. At first I was an alpha. That's how I scored my chick. In fact I had two smoking hot babes, and I chose her between the two of them. But then I got too comfortable playing the husband and daddy role. I put on weight and became a beta. I thought that she would love me unconditionally like my daughter, and that we would always be together for the rest of our lives no matter what. Big mistake. Never get comfortable. Never take anything for granted. Now I have to continue to put in work and get back to being that alpha, if not to get her back then somebody else.


----------



## trueblu8

changedbeliefs said:


> *Be the kind of person you want to be, plain and simple. Don't do it to spite her, spit in his face, prove them wrong, or whatever; do it because you want to be a certain kind of person.*
> 
> Let your wife be who she wants to be. Sounds like you should divorce her. She f'd up, she can either turn it around from here, or turn into some raging Lifetime movie train wreck. But if she tries to turn it around, and is willing to be a cooperative, positive co-parent, then all the better for you and your daughter.
> 
> I don't believe affairs de facto "destroy" children; if that were true, with the prevalence of divorce, there'd be a lot of "destroyed" people running around. Does it "destroy" a family? It breaks it up, yeah, it makes for a new dynamic everyone has to figure out, but there's no reason it can't still manage to be supportive. I come back to, you can only control what you do and the kind of character you want to have. Good luck.


Thank you.


----------



## tom67

Just go for the quickest divorce possible.
Trials can cost $20,000 plus.
This guy is supposed to be for dad's rights there are others though.
Fathers Rights: Jeffery M Leving-Chicago Family Law & Divorce Attorney « Law Offices of Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd.


----------



## PBear

Check out Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

BobSimmons said:


> What are the "ethical reasons" a lawyer won't take on a divorce case? Strange


If pushing for a suit against the 22 year old boyfriend, the attorney may feel its unwinnable or the cost would not be worth the return. The plaintiff would have to prove he and his wife were happily married and genuine love and affection existed between them before the boyfriend came along. (and that was destroyed prior to their separation ) If Trueblu old lady were to testify she was done with him prior to getting involved with the 22 year old, that would damage the case. 

Fascinating to are the counselors consistently siding with Trueblu's wife. Either he sucks at picking professionals or something is out of kilter.


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## lenzi

trueblu8 said:


> And then I asked my daughter in front of her, do you want to live with some other man and mommy that's not your daddy?


This is horrible.

Nothing like using your child as a pawn to try to get your wife to stay with you. 

If you want your child to be emotionally damaged by your marital mess, you're right on track.


----------



## PBear

lenzi said:


> This is horrible.
> 
> Nothing like using your child as a pawn to try to get your wife to stay with you.
> 
> If you want your child to be emotionally damaged by your marital mess, you're right on track.


I'd agree with this wholeheartedly. I realize you can't stop your wife from using her as a pawn, but you can stop yourself from doing it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

trueblu8 said:


> There are a lot of people in her family that don't like what she's doing regardless of the whole blood is thicker than water thing.


 In the short run yes, but not in the long run. They will see her at family gatherings and not you. They will see and get to know the other man as they see less and less of you. They (especially her parents) will want access you your child, and will look the the other way to get such access. Bottom line, in the end, they will move on without you. This is why the blood is thicker than water is true long term.


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## trueblu8

I know you guys are right. But I just wanted to show her that my daughter is not okay with this and is not down with her plan. She needs to know that. It's not just about her. What she's doing affects others. 

I think I'm going to ask her tonight why she's taking advice from her 20 year old cousin who shouldn't be giving advice to anybody. And that why doesn't she listen to the older women in her family who actually know what the hell they're talking about. And then I'll tell her, I know I made a lot of mistakes, I didn't do all the things you wanted, and I didn't keep myself in the best shape for you. I'm sorry about that. But you had a good man, somebody that would've loved till the end, till we were old and gray, and that loves and cares for our daughter, more than anybody in the world. Do you think that this guy will stick by your side for the rest of your life, or care for our daughter the way I do? Think about it. Is having good sex with this guy worth giving all that up for? And how long will that last, before he gets tired of a 35 year old woman, soon to be 40, with a 6 year old daughter. Don't ruin your life like this just for sex, don't ruin your daughter's life, and mine. I'm not going to wait for you forever.

I have also thought about telling her how fvcked up what she's doing is. And what is it going to take for me to do to stop her from seeing this guy. Do I have to have something done to him? Do I have to go to jail? Is that what it's going to take? I know, a little over the top, and a little crazy. But what the hell. Her cousin did tell me that I need to handle this sh!t like a man, and take care of business. He said the other guy would get the message and leave her alone. Might be a lot cheaper than hiring lawyers anyhow. Lol.


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## Tasorundo

Take care of business by filing for divorce and being a father to your daughter. Guilting your wife just makes you look weak.


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## trueblu8

TRy said:


> In the short run yes, but not in the long run. They will see her at family gatherings and not you. They will see and get to know the other man as they see less and less of you. They (especially her parents) will want access to your child, and will look the the other way to get such access. Bottom line, in the end, they will move on without you. This is why the blood is thicker than water is true long term.


Actually they won't. I've been making it a point to attend all the family gatherings now. And I have the family's full support. I won't make this easy for her. She won't just move the other dude in my spot. I don't think the family would stand for it either. That may help in the long term.

Also her parents wanted her and my daughter to come down to the Dominican Republic this summer. They wanted me to give my permission to renew my daughter's passport which is now expired. And my dumb a$$ was going to do it. Luckily my wife told them she didn't want to go down there. She doesn't want to show her face down there because she knows everyone will be talking behind her back about what she's done. It's looked very badly upon in her culture for a woman that's married in the church to have done what she's done. I think if they ask me again I will tell them no, I'm not signing off on anything till this matter with your daughter is resolved.


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## badmemory

trueblu8 said:


> I will also try to see if I can find a better counselor, one that will work with couples where this is an ongoing affair.


:slap:


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## jnj express

Hey TruBlue

You probably do not need an atty---If your wife is really done with you, and the 2 of you can sit down, and divide the property, and figure out the custody, and any alimony issues---then here is what you do

Go to the Illinois codes on family law---and read EVERYTHING, and learn it----that's what an Atty does.

Then you go on line to Illinois legal papers and documents, and PRINT OUT the divorce, prop settlement, and custody paperwork or packets---then you and your wife sit down and fill them out--------if the 2 of you can do this amicably---you can file, and do your D, w/out atty's----meanwhile do go and get free consults and ask questions about what you may not understand in re: Illinois D law.

When it is all over and done----you then sue the lover, for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----you sue him in your name and in your daughters name---half a million each-----------as to the school district---you go to a public board meeting, and when they have comments or problems to be discussed from the audience, and they have to do so----you bring up what has happened, and ask them what they intend to do about it---and if they do not take action, tell them you will file against the school district, making sure to bring up morals----that should get you some results

Do not go after the lover till you have the D., otherwise your so called wife will not cooperate, and you might have to put out for an atty.

As to the above I know of what I speak, as I have done this same procedure 3 times in Calif. for friends of mine----they got Divorced, w/out an atty---but once again, both parties were agreeable to wanting the D.


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## ThePheonix

trueblu8 said:


> Is having good sex with this guy worth giving all that up for?


Looks to me like she answered that question a while back. Here's the thing you don't understand because you don't want to understand. She's not gone because of the 22 year old. She wants to get as far away from you as she can and this kid is just a taxi ride to that end. She knows its not permanent and all that other crap about age difference, her having a kid, etc. But she also knows she has a number of years to find and enjoy a relationship with someone she really wants to be with. And it ain't you Dawg.
Time to saddle up and ride off into the sunset. Additionally, your story is getting a bit too far out to look like much of a hero.


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## trueblu8

Okay. You're right about most of those things. But believe me, she needs to be reminded, because she is in a fog. She thinks she actually has a future with this guy. I mean she has concerns about the age difference and my daughter not wanting to be around some other man and has told me so. But she's got it in her head that when they move in together he's going to stop messing around with other women. I told her that won't stop and she'll probably just put up with it, like her mom did, and does with her father. She says she won't put up with it and has told him so, but I just laugh. She also says that she will keep herself in shape so this guy doesn't lose interest. It's hilarious really. She is really in the fog man. Her cousin told me not to give up so easily and you need to fight for her. It's crazy.


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## trueblu8

ThePheonix said:


> Looks to me like she answered that question a while back. Here's the thing you don't understand because you don't want to understand. She's not gone because of the 22 year old. She wants to get as far away from you as she can and this kid is just a taxi ride to that end. She knows its not permanent and all that other crap about age difference, her having a kid, etc. But she also knows she has a number of years to find and enjoy a relationship with someone she really wants to be with. And it ain't you Dawg. Time to saddle up and ride off into the sunset. Additionally, your story is getting a bit too far out to look like much of a hero.


What the hell am I thinking? You're right. The problem isn't with this kid. It's with my wife. If it wasn't this kid it'd probably just be somebody else. I need to move the fvck on. If she comes out of her fog or whatever then I'll have to deal with that later. I've told one of my friends this before when he was suggesting that I get all vengeful. I told him all that stuff would make me look petty, and that the best thing I can do is just to move on. Damn three more months to get back in shape. And I'll never be like I was before, but I think I can get close. And also I gotta get back up on my money. Can't have girls with no money. Maybe I'll buy a rig and start driving a truck like her cousins. Then I'll go down to PR and scoop me up a nice young-un like somebody suggested earlier. Lol. Ah what a life. It shouldn't have to be this way.


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## lenzi

trueblu8 said:


> I know you guys are right. But I just wanted to show her that my daughter is not okay with this and is not down with her plan. She needs to know that. It's not just about her. What she's doing affects others. .


She doesn't need to know that. Doesn't matter what you "wanted to show her about your daughter not being ok with it".

You can't win her back by using your daughter as a manpulative tool. All you're going to do is mess up your daughter.

What the two of you are doing is going to affect your daughter, divorce always affects the kids to some degree, but you can spare your daughter the worst of it by leaving her out of it.



trueblu8 said:


> But she's got it in her head that when they move in together he's going to stop messing around with other women. I told her that won't stop and she'll probably just put up with it, like her mom did, and does with her father. She says she won't put up with it and has told him so, but I just laugh. She also says that she will keep herself in shape so this guy doesn't lose interest.


What a nice conversation the two of you had about her and her boyfriend and you trying to convince her why it won't work with him and her telling you why it will. It's sickening, really. 

These types of conversations are completely unnecessary and make you seem even more weak and pathetic than you already are.

Perhaps you are starting to realize that?


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## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> What the hell am I thinking? You're right. The problem isn't with this kid. It's with my wife. If it wasn't this kid it'd probably just be somebody else. I need to move the fvck on. *If she comes out of her fog or whatever then I'll have to deal with that later. * I've told one of my friends this before when he was suggesting that I get all vengeful. I told him all that stuff would make me look petty, and that the best thing I can do is just to move on. Damn three more months to get back in shape. And I'll never be like I was before, but I think I can get close. And also I gotta get back up on my money. Can't have girls with no money. Maybe I'll buy a rig and start driving a truck like her cousins. Then I'll go down to PR and scoop me up a nice young-un like somebody suggested earlier. Lol. Ah what a life. It shouldn't have to be this way.


The way to "deal with it" is by not dealing w/ it at all. Seriously, man... cut this woman out of your life (to the degree possible) and move on. Take yourself away as an option to her. Don't be her fallback position, "Plan B", second choice, or any of that crap.


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## TRy

trueblu8 said:


> I think I'm going to ask her tonight why she's taking advice from her 20 year old cousin who shouldn't be giving advice to anybody. And that why doesn't she listen to the older women in her family who actually know what the hell they're talking about. And then I'll tell her, I know I made a lot of mistakes, I didn't do all the things you wanted, and I didn't keep myself in the best shape for you. I'm sorry about that. But you had a good man, somebody that would've loved till the end, till we were old and gray, and that loves and cares for our daughter, more than anybody in the world. Do you think that this guy will stick by your side for the rest of your life, or care for our daughter the way I do? Think about it. Is having good sex with this guy worth giving all that up for? And how long will that last, before he gets tired of a 35 year old woman, soon to be 40, with a 6 year old daughter. Don't ruin your life like this just for sex, don't ruin your daughter's life, and mine. I'm not going to wait for you forever.


 You have not heard a word anyone has said. You are still trying to use logic in negotiating to get her back. You are still willing to accept some of the blame during these negotiations, when her cheating was not at all your fault. You are still willing to use your daughter as a chip during these discussions. It is still all about her and what she wants, with you begging to get her back. Not only will you fail in this effort, but she will lose even more respect for you. She cannot love someone that she does not respect. The more you go after her like this the more you are playing into the other man's hands.

Again, re-read this thread. Everything that you need to do has already been told to you many times.


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## trueblu8

GusPolinski said:


> The way to "deal with it" is by not dealing w/ it at all. Seriously, man... cut this woman out of your life (to the degree possible) and move on. Take yourself away as an option to her. Don't be her fallback position, "Plan B", second choice, or any of that crap.


One of my friends told me this. He said be done with her, the sooner the better. He said you just wait, when you get back in shape and you're really on top of things again, she'll want to come back. And you better not take her back. Tell her what she told you when you were finally trying to do everything she wanted. Tell her it's too late. He then went on to give me this little analogy. He said if you take her back it's just like a guy that beats the crap out of his wife and then she goes back to him, he's just going to keep doing it. It'll be the same with your wife. I told him I don't know about that. I also told him she said she was sorry and didn't want to hurt me. He then went on to tell me that's like if somebody stabs you in the stomach with a knife and then goes oh I'm sorry. Lol. I don't know if you could tell but my friend doesn't care for my wife very much.


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## PBear

trueblu8 said:


> One of my friends told me this. He said be done with her, the sooner the better. He said you just wait, when you get back in shape and you're really on top of things again, she'll want to come back. And you better not take her back. Tell her what she told you when you were finally trying to do everything she wanted. Tell her it's too late. He then went on to give me this little analogy. He said if you take her back it's just like a guy that beats the crap out of his wife and then she goes back to him, he's just going to keep doing it. It'll be the same with your wife. I told him I don't know about that. I also told him she said she was sorry and didn't want to hurt me. He then went on to tell me that's like if somebody stabs you in the stomach with a knife and then goes oh I'm sorry. Lol. I don't know if you could tell but my friend doesn't care for my wife very much.


Your friend has a much better understanding of the situation than you do...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

trueblu8 said:


> One of my friends told me this. He said be done with her, the sooner the better. He said you just wait, when you get back in shape and you're really on top of things again, she'll want to come back. And you better not take her back. Tell her what she told you when you were finally trying to do everything she wanted. Tell her it's too late. He then went on to give me this little analogy. He said if you take her back it's just like a guy that beats the crap out of his wife and then she goes back to him, he's just going to keep doing it. It'll be the same with your wife. I told him I don't know about that. *I also told him she said she was sorry and didn't want to hurt me. * He then went on to tell me that's like if somebody stabs you in the stomach with a knife and then goes oh I'm sorry. Lol. I don't know if you could tell but my friend doesn't care for my wife very much.





PBear said:


> Your friend has a much better understanding of the situation than you do...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed.

Also, tb, if she was sorry and didn't mean to hurt you, then why did she go right back to doing the exact same thing that hurt you initially? And with the same a$$hole no less? Make any sense to you? Doesn't to me.

They all say sh!t like that. It's in the Cheater's Script handbook (pg 4). She wasn't trying to make you feel better. She was trying to make herself feel better.


----------



## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> One of my friends told me this. He said be done with her, the sooner the better. He said you just wait, when you get back in shape and you're really on top of things again, she'll want to come back. And you better not take her back. Tell her what she told you when you were finally trying to do everything she wanted. Tell her it's too late. He then went on to give me this little analogy. He said if you take her back it's just like a guy that beats the crap out of his wife and then she goes back to him, he's just going to keep doing it. It'll be the same with your wife. I told him I don't know about that. *I also told him she said she was sorry and didn't want to hurt me.* He then went on to tell me that's like if somebody stabs you in the stomach with a knife and then goes oh I'm sorry. Lol. I don't know if you could tell but my friend doesn't care for my wife very much.


_Stop listening to what she's saying w/ her mouth and listen instead to what she's saying w/ her actions._

Listen to your friend -- he's giving you solid advice.


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## PhillyGuy13

I don't care how much you trust your inlaws.

I don't care how fantastic a wife and mother she is.

DO NOT RENEW THE PASSPORT AND ALLOW HER TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I don't care how much you trust your inlaws.
> 
> I don't care how fantastic a wife and mother she is.
> 
> *DO NOT RENEW THE PASSPORT AND ALLOW HER TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY.*


Dude. No doubt.


----------



## trueblu8

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I don't care how much you trust your inlaws.
> 
> I don't care how fantastic a wife and mother she is.
> 
> DO NOT RENEW THE PASSPORT AND ALLOW HER TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





GusPolinski said:


> _Stop listening to what she's saying w/ her mouth and listen instead to what she's saying w/ her actions._
> 
> Listen to your friend -- he's giving you solid advice.





GusPolinski said:


> Dude. No doubt.


That same friend told me this as well.


----------



## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> That same friend told me this as well.


Listen. To. Your. Friend.


----------



## OpenEnded

trueblu8 said:


> What the hell am I thinking? You're right. The problem isn't with this kid. It's with my wife. If it wasn't this kid it'd probably just be somebody else. I need to move the fvck on. If she comes out of her fog or whatever then I'll have to deal with that later. I've told one of my friends this before when he was suggesting that I get all vengeful. I told him all that stuff would make me look petty, and that the best thing I can do is just to move on. Damn three more months to get back in shape. And I'll never be like I was before, but I think I can get close. And also I gotta get back up on my money. Can't have girls with no money. Maybe I'll buy a rig and start driving a truck like her cousins. Then I'll go down to PR and scoop me up a nice young-un like somebody suggested earlier. Lol. Ah what a life. It shouldn't have to be this way.


Blue, 

There is a lot of anxiety in your words. The constant desire to act and change things is normal. Most people on this board have been through it.

Please do not let negative emotions create too much chaos in your life. e.g. "I need money for chicks so I'll buy a truck and drive around the country. To show my Ex and make her regret....." But what about the kid during those long weeks while you are on the road? 

You need more positive motivation on my opinion: 

"I want to be physically and mentally healthy. "
"I'll get a new job that I enjoy and makes me happy."
"I want to live up to my standards."
"I make one or more steps every day towards my goals and feel better. "

And then girls, money and everything else will come. It is part of the healing process.


----------



## trueblu8

3putt said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Also, tb, if she was sorry and didn't mean to hurt you, then why did she go right back to doing the exact same thing that hurt you initially? And with the same a$$hole no less? Make any sense to you? Doesn't to me.
> 
> They all say sh!t like that. It's in the Cheater's Script handbook (pg 4). She wasn't trying to make you feel better. She was trying to make herself feel better.


As I was biking home today I thought to myself, you know I deserve to be happy too. The weather was nice and there were plenty of hot chicks out. Maybe I really could meet someone hotter and cooler than my wife. My poor daughter though, our hopes for having a happy family together dashed.

I will have to check out that Cheater's Script handbook. Sounds like it's got some good info in there.


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## phillybeffandswiss

trueblu8 said:


> One of my friends told me that. He was like why the hell are you consorting with the enemy?! Lol. I was like they're on our side man. They were the ones that brought it up to me what to do. There are a lot of people in her family that don't like what she's doing regardless of the whole blood is thicker than water thing.


Maybe......just maybe.....you have the rare breed of in-laws. I've read too many stories here, where it almost always goes sideways.

Edit, 3putt is joking about an actual book.

Read this instead, then watch how many of the responses you have already heard.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/128754-examples-cheaters-script-thread-resource.html


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## PhillyGuy13

Your daughter will adjust. It will take time as effort from you and your wife. As long as you both put her needs first she will be fine.

You will find many hot chicks. Some may be relationship and marriage material. Someone who will also be a positive influence on your daughter.

You will get there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

trueblu8 said:


> I will have to check out that Cheater's Script handbook. Sounds like it's got some good info in there.


Sorry about the joke. We hear the same things over and over and over to the point you would think there really is a handbook out there.


----------



## trueblu8

3putt said:


> Sorry about the joke. We hear the same things over and over and over to the point you would think there really is a handbook out there.


Lol. No problem.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Well, actually...

The Cheater's Handbook: A Cautionary Guide to Infidelity:Amazon:Kindle Store
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jasmine9

Believe me, I understand your anger. But ultimately your wife made her own choices and decisions. She was not forced to do anything she didn't want to do. Rethink the FB posting.


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## Jasel

You can't reason, guilt, or talk someone out of the fog. To get someone out of the fog there has to be measurable consequences based on *ACTION* from you. Not talking on your part about how ****ed up she's being. You can talk about how wrong she's being, how it's hurting your daughter, and so on and so forth until you're blue in the face. It won't change anything.

And I would not rely on her family. At the end of the day blood is thicker than water. 

I'm also not sure how passports work for children when it comes to parents. If you don't renew her passport could your wife without your say so?? I'd speak to a lawyer about stopping your wife from leaving the country with your daughter if that's an issue. I know I've heard plenty of horror stories about women from foreign countries taking their children back to their countries of origins and fathers not seeing their kids for years if ever.


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## phillybeffandswiss

See and this is why I hate the term fog. Nope, not arguing if it does or does not exist. The use makes many betrayed believe, "if I Just wait" or "when it clears" they can go back to normal.

Normal no longer exists, even if your R is successful, things are NEVER the same. it's why everyone is saying work on you and the child even if it hurts, so bad, like you want to die. If you do everything for her, then it is rejected, it will be a million times worse. If you get back in shape FOR YOU so you can date, perform better in bed, get the attention of the opposite sex be healthy and live longer for your daughter it is a benefit for everyone.


Oh and all of the above applies to a random woman or, if you reconcile, your wife.


----------



## dgtal

Trueblu:
Like Jasel said ACTION is needed if you want to save your marriage. You are still on time. Read the advise from the experts in this forum. Do never go back to the other site DB, I was there for almost a year before I found TAM and I regret the time wasted there.
You need to take ACTION. That POS 22 yrs old kid may have a bigger d!ck than yours but not bigger balls!!!
Avoid confronting him face to face if necessary or you may land in jail. Post him in Cheaterville. Make 100 copies (fliers) of the post and pay $20 to somebody at school to hand spray it all over the school. Do not use your own name or something like "I" discovered...Be AGGRESSIVE write something like: "This CRIMINAL..., THIS HOME WRECKER like to chase married women..."
If you don't fight this way you will look weak. Women feel attracted to men who fight for them.


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## Riley_Z

As a woman I would actually be interested in how, if at all, a husband would confront an OM?

Is there any point?

Violence is obviously out of the question due to legal issues. So, I would imagine any exchange would have to be limited to words alone.

So, if the manly way to handle this is to confront this guy, what is the manly way to go about confronting him?

What words could a man possibly use, that would appear as manly as possible?

I agree, the sample here reads awfully weak.

As a woman I am just trying to imagine in my head, what could be said to his face or over the phone that conveys strength of character?

Or is the strongest response to not contact him at all?


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## PhillyGuy13

Unless you don't care about getting arrested, personal, direct confronts aren't a great idea. 

I may go over to his home/office with the intention of chewing him out, but it would be tough for me to get to that point and not want to smack him in the kisser. 

Ruin his career would then be next on my list. Not that this guy here has a career to ruin. Expose to his wife/gf. Also not applicable here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Riley_Z

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Unless you don't care about getting arrested, personal, direct confronts aren't a great idea.
> 
> I may go over to his home/office with the intention of chewing him out, but it would be tough for me to get to that point and not want to smack him in the kisser.
> 
> Ruin his career would then be next on my list. Not that this guy here has a career to ruin. Expose to his wife/gf. Also not applicable here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, I guess that sort of answers my question.

Is chewing him out the manly way to handle this? You mean like name calling and insults in public?

I get that men want to appear strong, for their own sake and because women are drawn back to men who show strength.

I would just be interested in hearing what a man could say in that situation to appear strong?

I honestly can't find any words. But, I am a woman, so maybe that's why.

All I can think of is violence as manly. I am not suggesting it at all, I am just saying I can't think of any manly way to say what needs to be said.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Riley_Z said:


> OK, I guess that sort of answers my question.
> 
> Is chewing him out the manly way to handle this? You mean like name calling and insults in public?
> 
> I get that men want to appear strong, for their own sake and because women are drawn back to men who show strength.
> 
> I would just be interested in hearing what a man could say in that situation to appear strong?
> 
> I honestly can't find any words. But, I am a woman, so maybe that's why.
> 
> All I can think of is violence as manly. I am not suggesting it at all, I am just saying I can't think of any manly way to say what needs to be said.


The manly way to handle this is to set boundaries and enforce them. In this instance, that means to file for divorce. And only consider reconciliation when SHE agrees to his terms.




> I am just saying I can't think of any manly way to say what needs to be said.


I wonder where you get this idea from.


----------



## Riley_Z

NextTimeAround said:


> The manly way to handle this is to set boundaries and enforce them. In this instance, that means to file for divorce. And only consider reconciliation when SHE agrees to his terms.


That's towards your female spouse. I mean if a man gets cuckolded like this, what is the most manly way to deal with the OM without getting arrested? lol



NextTimeAround said:


> I wonder where you get this idea from.


I got the idea because I imagine a confrontation in my mind, and I can't imagine what a man could say to another man under these circumstances without looking weak.

I can't imagine any words. Are there any?


----------



## NextTimeAround

Riley_Z said:


> That's towards your female spouse. * I mean if a man gets cuckolded like this, what is the most manly way to deal with the OM without getting arrested? lol*
> 
> 
> 
> I got the idea because I imagine a confrontation in my mind, and I can't imagine what a man could say to another man under these circumstances without looking weak.
> 
> I can't imagine any words. Are there any?


A lot of strength is exhibited when demonstrating self-restraint. 

And as we know, the biggest insult of them all is to be ignored as if we don't exist. The OP concentrating his actions and plans on how to deal with his WW achieves exactly that regarding the OM.


----------



## PBear

He's a 22 year old security guard. He has no career to wreck. He'll just move on to the next minimum wage job. He also will likely collect as many of the fliers as he can and hand them out to his buddies as he brags about he's taking care of his old lady. 

My advice is still to deal with the problem. The wife. Get custody. File for divorce and child support. Reality has the biggest chance of getting her to snap out of it, but if nothing else, it moves you in to a path of controlling your destiny.

C

ETA: if you can punish the OM on the way, more power to you. But your focus should be on regaining control of your destiny.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Remember George McFly from Back to the Future.

Weak, ultimate beta-male. No respect from women or men.

Until he socked Biff. 

When men deal with other men, often that is the only language they speak. Now outside movies, there are repercussions to this. That's why I say don't confront at all. Anything OP says to this guy will be weak. So he shouldn't bother with him at all. Instead, as posted above, focus on the wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Riley_Z

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Remember George McFly from Back to the Future.
> 
> Weak, ultimate beta-male. No respect from women or men.
> 
> Until he socked Biff.
> 
> When men deal with other men, often that is the only language they speak. Now outside movies, there are repercussions to this. That's why I say don't confront at all. Anything OP says to this guy will be weak. So he shouldn't bother with him at all. Instead, as posted above, focus on the wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK thank you.

That's what I suspected. There are no words to save your manhood in this situation.

I wracked my brains and my imagination could not come up with any scenario of words to be said that didn't turn me off. lol

Men's words are actions.

I get it.

Thanks


----------



## scatty

I can see through your wife from here. She took your child from your home to establish status quo in terms of the most custody/child support from you when she establishes she is the primary caregiver now.

Her relatives are playing nice so you don't file before she establishes status quo.

You MUST file and ask for the child to be returned to the marital home ASAP. A lawyer should have already told you this! Divorce can be stopped, but you must establish you are the primary caregiver. Her uterus is not golden. 

Don't listen to a word she says- watch what she does! She "didn't mean to hurt you"- she DID! 

Stop talking to your daughter about this, you're putting her in the middle of this mess. However, your little one does seem to have more common sense than anyone involved in this clusterfark.

Your wife is not a good mother, not a good wife, and not a good person. She just isn't. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

I REPEAT- Petition to get your little girl back in her home- every minute that you delay this is making even ME nervous-can't understand how you are fine with her being with trashy wife so she'll have less time to be with OM (her relatives are just babysitting her anyway, so your wife can play let's hide the sausage.)

Go to a therapist. Not a MC. Seek out why you have such low self esteem that you would tolerate this crap. I don't mean this to insult you, but you must know why you think waiting around for her to return is even an option.

If you do not follow all the good advice on this thread, I am afraid you will be paying maximum child support, alimony, limited parenting time (would you be happy with every other weekend?)

Good luck. Get out of YOUR fog and TAKE ACTION! Women want men who are decisive, emotionally strong, and have a low tolerance for drama and BS. PLEASE DON'T LOSE YOUR DAUGHTER BY BEING BLINDED BY WHO YOUR WIFE ONCE WAS!


----------



## Riley_Z

scatty said:


> Get out of YOUR fog and TAKE ACTION! Women want men who are decisive, emotionally strong, and have a low tolerance for drama and BS. PLEASE DON'T LOSE YOUR DAUGHTER BY BEING BLINDED BY WHO YOUR WIFE ONCE WAS!


Thank you scatty, that sort of helps answer my question too. 

And I agree with you. 

It's funny how we want a man who doesn't put up with drama, but we women create it at the same time. lol


----------



## Healer

trueblu8 said:


> Okay. So what you guys are saying is to leave the OM out of this and not to embarrass him?


You wouldn't be embarrassing him. First off, he'll delete it right away. Second, you are basically begging this man not to **** your wife. Weak, empowering to him, and shows weakness and hardcore beta behavior to your wife. He's clearly a piece of **** who will get off on your grovelling to stop banging your wife.

And finally, have some self respect. Let these 2 lowlifes have each other. Divorce this wh*re and find a decent human being to spend the rest of your life with.


----------



## Healer

lenzi said:


> It's like saying a guy who robs a bank is an unfit father or something.


No, it's not like that at all. Part of being a good parent is being a decent and loyal person to the other parent. You don't think betraying, hurting, burning your kid's other parent to the ground doesn't hurt the kids? Then you know nothing about kids. And if you hurt your kids, you are a **** parent. Also taking away their sense of security, their ability to see both parents every day, destroying holidays and creating financial hardship, ruining their sense of what healthy relationships are...you don't see these as bad parenting? Please.


----------



## Healer

trueblu8 said:


> She's a great woman, aside from her infidelity


Oxymoron.


----------



## Hicks

You need to get custody of your daughter. There are many reasons for this, and no reasons not to do this.
1. You have been the primary care giver to your daughter, and switching that to now be your wife in a different home is bad for your daughter.
2. If you get primary custody this is financially favorable to you.
3. If your wife is forced to defend herself legally, she may wake up or at least be having less "fun"... Teach her that real life is not like la la land.
4. You get better control of who your daughter associates with which is better for your daughter.
5. She will not be forced to change schools which is disastrous (in addition to losing the family, she has moved homes and is now going to move schools)... You should be trying to get custody just to protect her from this.

And on the side of not going for custody? Crikets.


----------



## trueblu8

scatty said:


> I can see through your wife from here. She took your child from your home to establish status quo in terms of the most custody/child support from you when she establishes she is the primary caregiver now.
> 
> Her relatives are playing nice so you don't file before she establishes status quo.
> 
> You MUST file and ask for the child to be returned to the marital home ASAP. A lawyer should have already told you this! Divorce can be stopped, but you must establish you are the primary caregiver. Her uterus is not golden.
> 
> Don't listen to a word she says- watch what she does! She "didn't mean to hurt you"- she DID!
> 
> Stop talking to your daughter about this, you're putting her in the middle of this mess. However, your little one does seem to have more common sense than anyone involved in this clusterfark.
> 
> Your wife is not a good mother, not a good wife, and not a good person. She just isn't. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
> 
> I REPEAT- Petition to get your little girl back in her home- every minute that you delay this is making even ME nervous-can't understand how you are fine with her being with trashy wife so she'll have less time to be with OM (her relatives are just babysitting her anyway, so your wife can play let's hide the sausage.)
> 
> Go to a therapist. Not a MC. Seek out why you have such low self esteem that you would tolerate this crap. I don't mean this to insult you, but you must know why you think waiting around for her to return is even an option.
> 
> If you do not follow all the good advice on this thread, I am afraid you will be paying maximum child support, alimony, limited parenting time (would you be happy with every other weekend?)
> 
> Good luck. Get out of YOUR fog and TAKE ACTION! Women want men who are decisive, emotionally strong, and have a low tolerance for drama and BS. PLEASE DON'T LOSE YOUR DAUGHTER BY BEING BLINDED BY WHO YOUR WIFE ONCE WAS!


Great post. I liked the part where you said her uterus is not golden. I will have to remind myself of that. She even asked me herself why I am so obsessed with her. I'm like Jesus does she not get it? We've been together for 13 years, have a beautiful daughter together, and I still love her. This sh!t is hard man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Riley_Z

trueblu8 said:


> Great post. I liked the part where you said her uterus is not golden. I will have to remind myself of that. She even asked me herself why I am so obsessed with her. I'm like Jesus does she not get it? We've been together for 13 years, have a beautiful daughter together, and I still love her. This sh!t is hard man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just tell her you aren't obsessed with her.

Tell her you are protecting the family unit, that children suffer when parents divorce.

You aren't doing this for your wife, you are protecting the family unit for your daughter.

I would put it that way and let her know this :

_I am not doing this *for* you, I am doing this *despite *you.
_


----------



## lenzi

Healer said:


> Also taking away their sense of security, their ability to see both parents every day, destroying holidays and creating financial hardship, ruining their sense of what healthy relationships are...you don't see these as bad parenting? Please.


So you're saying that _anyone who files for divorce_ is a bad parent because they're breaking up the family and destroying the sense of security and destroying holidays and creating financial hardship and ruining their sense of healthy relationships.

Yeah ok


----------



## Healer

lenzi said:


> So you're saying that _anyone who files for divorce_ is a bad parent because they're breaking up the family and destroying the sense of security and destroying holidays and creating financial hardship and ruining their sense of healthy relationships.
> 
> Yeah ok


No. Reread in context and attempt to comprehend.


----------



## Riley_Z

When a betrayed spouse files for divorce to press boundaries with full intention of reconciliation if the affair ends, I don't think that's breaking up a family is it?

You are actually pressing boundaries to protect the family from further toxicity to my understanding.

But if you file for divorce, with no intention of reconciliation or saving your family at any point then ya, I would say that's pretty bad.

You divorce if you have to, not just because you foolishly allow yourself to become infatuated with a trespasser and want the opportunity to pursue that.

That's a huge difference there I would think?


----------



## PBear

So it's been 9 days since your original post... How goes the "regaining custody" fight?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Foghorn

TB

Lots of good advice above. Are you taking it?

Most important - petition for return of the child to your home. Make lots of time for your daughter so that wifey can go and do her think with the OM.

This is a time for you to capitalize on her fog, this will only benefit you and your daughter and the custody situation in the long run. It's called the Mr. Wonderful effect. "I'll watch Susie for you, you just go and do what you like." While wifey screws Mr. Wonderful, you journal and establish that you do that majority of parenting and related tasks. Homework, school, sports, doctor and dentist, play dates. Make sure you are observed or have photos taken WITH YOU IN THEM. Spending time with the child in the presence of other families, people who could testify who the PRIMARY parent really is. She will take this rope and hang herself if you give her the space and impetus.

You cannot begin this process and establish your position as the primary custodial parent UNTIL THE CHILD IS RETURNED TO THE HOME. DO NOT TRUST HER FAMILY.

What, you're still worried about your wife? You still want her back? Please tell me you're getting past this.

Because if you don't take the above advice, what's going to happen is this: Mr. Wonderful effect will wear off when the OM dumps her (don't worry, it's coming). At that point she will still have painted you black in her mind, ("Stupid husband, ruined all my fun!") When she realizes that having primary custody and seeing that you get the every-other-weekend screw job is her ticket to a much bigger child support check, she will initiate proceedings to take your daughter away. Then it will be too late to establish your status quo of you and daughter as a parent-child team that does not need her.

This is a prediction that comes true 90% of the time. If you don't want to end up a walking ATM for your kid when she's ages 7-18 take action NOW.

I trust we are clear on this?


----------



## lenzi

Healer said:


> No. Reread in context and attempt to comprehend.


I comprehend that according to your post anyone who breaks up a family and ruins holidays and causes the children to be insecure is a bad parent.


----------



## TRy

trueblu8 said:


> She even asked me herself why I am so obsessed with her. I'm like Jesus does she not get it?


 Actually, you do "not get it". She has downgraded your feelings of love to being an obsession. For her to ask you why you are "so obsessed with her" is her telling you to your face that she does not respect you or your love. Sorry but at this point your marriage is not worth saving. I am sorry that you are here. Be well.


----------



## Riley_Z

lenzi said:


> I comprehend that according to your post anyone who breaks up a family and ruins holidays and causes the children to be insecure is a bad parent.


If there is a more viable alternative yes. That is the case.

Divorce ought to be a last resort.

Being "in love" is not a legitimate reason to tear a family apart no.

Neither is being "fed up" or any other of the myriad excuses people use to pull the trigger on a marriage.

If your spouse is cheating, and they refuse to end the affair, that is a legitimate reason, as the toxicity that comes from ongoing overt infidelity in the marital home harms children more than divorce.

Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

If you can repair the broken home, that is best. If you can't or your spouse refuses to repair the broken home and would rather continue cheating instead it is best to divorce.


----------



## phoenix_

Why would you beg another man to stop banging your wife? 
Why would you even want to work things out with your wife if she's still sleeping with him?

I'm sorry but this just hurts my head


----------



## Healer

lenzi said:


> I comprehend that according to your post anyone who breaks up a family and ruins holidays and causes the children to be insecure is a bad parent.


You have trouble with context and comprehension.


----------



## Healer

Riley_Z said:


> If there is a more viable alternative yes. That is the case.
> 
> Divorce ought to be a last resort.
> 
> Being "in love" is not a legitimate reason to tear a family apart no.
> 
> Neither is being "fed up" or any other of the myriad excuses people use to pull the trigger on a marriage.
> 
> If your spouse is cheating, and they refuse to end the affair, that is a legitimate reason, as the toxicity that comes from ongoing overt infidelity in the marital home harms children more than divorce.
> 
> Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
> 
> If you can repair the broken home, that is best. If you can't or your spouse refuses to repair the broken home and would rather continue cheating instead it is best to divorce.


Ahhhhh. Context.


----------



## Riley_Z

Healer said:


> Ahhhhh. Context.


You have problems with context?

:scratchhead:


----------



## lenzi

Healer said:


> You have trouble with context and comprehension.


It's clear from your posts that people who -in your opinion- have good reason to divorce (example: those betrayed by a cheating spouse), are not bad parents even though they're breaking up a family and ruining vacations, while people who -in your opinion- do not have good reason to divorce (example: falling out of love) are bad parents because they're causing their children to be insecure and ruining their vacations.


----------



## Riley_Z

lenzi said:


> It's clear from your posts that people who -in your opinion- have good reason to divorce (example: those betrayed by a cheating spouse), are not bad parents even though they're breaking up a family and ruining vacations, while people who -in your opinion- do not have good reason to divorce (example: falling out of love) are bad parents because they're causing their children to be insecure and ruining their vacations.


You are comparing applies and oranges here.

Bad parents unnecessarily destroy marriages. Good parents do everything they can to protect them.

Cheaters and their trespasswrs destroy marriages and families.

Betrayed spouses who offer reconciliation after an affair protect marriages and families.

This is just basic logic here.

Cheaters are bad parents. That's it.

Alcoholics are bad parents.

Drug addicts are bad parents.

etc.

If you invite toxicity into the home or contaminate the family, that is a detriment to the family. This makes you a bad parent.

That's it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Riley_Z said:


> You have problems with context?
> 
> :scratchhead:


No, healer is telling Lenzi "here is the context you left out of your post." It wasn't directed at you.

In other words, he feels lenzi is removing all of your contextual explanations to make repeated generalizations of your point.


----------



## Riley_Z

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, healer is telling Lenzi "here is the context you left out of your post." It wasn't directed at you.
> 
> In other words, he feels lenzi is removing all of your contextual explanations to make repeated generalizations of your point.


Ah OK. That makes more sense.


----------



## wranglerman

We slowed at a mere 21 pages :scratchhead:

I was thnking we would be at like 60 or so by now :rofl:


----------



## lenzi

wranglerman said:


> We slowed at a mere 21 pages :scratchhead:
> 
> I was thnking we would be at like 60 or so by now :rofl:


Just keep right on making useless posts like this and we'll get there.


----------



## trueblu8

I owe you guys an update. I will get right on it soon. Lotta ****'s happened. Lol. But then again not really that much. But I do owe you guys an explanation. Are any of you free to drink tonight? Lol.


----------



## GusPolinski

Take your time and put it out there, TB. We'll be here.

Glad you're back, by the way.


----------



## davecarter

trueblu8 said:


> 1 - I owe you guys an update.
> 
> 2 - I will get right on it soon.
> 
> 3 - Lotta ****'s happened. Lol.
> 
> 4 - But then again not really that much.
> 
> 5 - But I do owe you guys an explanation.
> 
> 6 - Are any of you free to drink tonight? Lol.


1 - You updated and didn't run off for good like so many Betas. 

2 - When? _When_?? Come on, everyone's dyin' here!!

3 - Oh?

4 - Oh.

5 - Hmmmm.

6 - Caipirinha in a 16oz glass, please....._to start_.


----------



## trueblu8

I'm staring to wonder why I even want my wife back. I mean how patient and forgiving can a person be? How much can a person take of being treated crap before they finally just snap. She's pissing me off and I don't know how much more I can take. Tonight was my daughter's birthday so I brought her over there. We were sitting at the table doing her homework with her. I was on the left, my daughter in the middle, and my wife on the right. I had my arm around my daughter and my hand on my wife's left shoulder. And of course she just has to say don't touch me. And I'm like wtf? Wtf is your problem? Sh!t just pissed me off. I mean just cause her lover is probably out messing around on her because she's spending the night with our daughter tonight doesn't give her the right to treat me like crap. I'm getting so tired of being the bigger man.

Stuff looks pretty tasty.

Caipirinha Recipe - Allrecipes.com


----------



## nightmare01

trueblu8 said:


> I'm staring to wonder why I even want this pos wife of mine back. I mean how patient and forgiving can a person be? How much can a person take of being treated crap before they finally just snap. She's pissing me off and I don't know how much more I can take.
> [...]


Taking the HIGH road sucks, and it only works when you have a WW that is receptive enough to see and appreciate the effort you are making.

Right now you are using Marquess of Queensberry rules against a street fighter. You're not going to win anyone over that way. For the sake of your own sanity I think you need to change your tactics.

First. Stop playing nice when you are around her. Avoid physical contact. Avoid family-type moment... don't help your daughter with her homework while your WW is there. 

Second. Keep conversation with her short and to the point. Only discuss pick up times etc. about your daughter, and finances if that's applicable. Any emotional support you are giving her, STOP IT.

Third. LIMIT CONTACT. Only see your WW at pick up and drop off times. Keep it short as possible. Be polite, but cool. Don't be mean and thereby give her reason to complain about you. If she wants to talk during these times, see the paragraph above.

Fourth. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Take up a hobby. Go out with friends. Take a night class at college (something fun). If you're ready, go on dates.

Right now your WW is using both you and her OM. She takes what she needs from you and from him. If you stop her taking support from you, she will have to depend on OM for 100% of her needs.. usually that brings the fantasy of affair love to a swift end.


----------



## trueblu8

Thanks nightmare. You know this is exactly what I needed to hear. I need to distance myself and stop trying to be affectionate towards her. It's killing me. Even my friends have said similar to what you have about not giving her any emotional support. Damn this sh!t is not easy but I'm trying. Sooner or later I'll get there.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Actually what is holding you back is you. It is more simpler than you think. Change your mindset and your way of thinking. 
In your head just think of you two as divorce. Live your life as if your divorce. Gain new friends, and do things that bring you happiness. By gaining new friends, and deepening other relationships, we can detach. As humans, there is so much we can emotionally invest into something before other things we detach from. Last is the will to do it.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Glad to see you back Tru Blue but you really need to take a deep breath and relax. I understand you are frustrated but that's over the top.

It had been a few months since you posted. What have you been doing? You guys are separated. You should be working on getting her out of your life, except where your daughter is concerned. She acted repulsed when you touched her. The idea of touching her should repulse YOU. And I hope an argument didn't ensue, in front of your (6?) year old daughter, on her birthday. It was a mistake to touch her, it was a mistake to argue. But I know you are frustrated.

Tell us what you have done for YOU over the past few months.


----------



## Satya

Machete, acid, and mutilation? Seriously?


----------



## happyman64

So trublu why are you still being nice to her?

Just be a good coparent.

Focus on you. And your kid.

Follow the 180. It is to help you detach and get strong.


----------



## dadof2

trueblu8 said:


> Thanks nightmare. You know this is exactly what I needed to hear. I need to distance myself and stop trying to be affectionate towards her. It's killing me. Even my friends have said similar to what you have about not giving her any emotional support. Damn this sh!t is not easy but I'm trying. Sooner or later I'll get there.


I'm right there with you TB. I am not sure if you are living separately or not, I apologize for not reading the entire thread. I know how hard it is not to try to be affectionate towards her. I fought that for a few months after we separated. But like someone else said, you should be repulsed by her touches, not the other way around. I know you know that makes sense, but its one thing to hear it and think it and quite another to feel it.

I am trusting the words of others here that have been down our road that in fact one day I will actually feel the repulsion from her and the mess she has caused. I feel like I start putting bricks in the wall then I knock it down and start all over.


----------



## SevenYears

Trublu8. Hi there. I just read your thread and I'm sorry you've had to go through all this.

I wouldn't worry about things going badly for her. Her boy toy will get bored of her and move on to someone else. And she'll probably try everything she can to keep him just like you did with her. And when that doesn't work she may come crawling back to you as her plan B.

I really hope you can be strong enough then to not take her back because she will always be looking for an upgrade. She will cry and beg and may even do a lot to get you back. But don't think it will be because she has suddenly realised you're the love of her life. Just remember that it will be because either 1. she was dumped or 2. She couldn't handle being cheated / treat badly. And she doesn't want to be alone (not many people do)

I also think you should not be friends. You don't need to discuss with her how your day has been or how she is doing. But keep it amicable. Only discus things that concern your daughter. You don't need to be horrible about it either. This will be a long time coming as right now it will be hard not to look at her with disgust in your eyes. 

It may be tempting to keep mentioning how she is ruining peoples lives but this isn't going to get you anywhere. Instead it will just start more arguments and make things worse for your daughter. Again, this isn't going to be easy at the moment. 

So how are things with lawyers going? Have you started the divorce process? And how is the weight loss going? Are you nearer to your goal?


----------



## SevenYears

I forgot to mention the thing about you putting your hand on her shoulder. That's too familiar. You aren't with each other. That might sound horrible but you can't act like that any more.


----------



## happyman64

As Dof2 says it is a process.

Eventually the brick wall will stop coming entirely down and then one day you will realize that she no longer has that effect on you.

You will be indifferent to her.

*She is just someone that you used to know......*

Keep working at it fellas.


----------



## interesting

TrueBlue……..maybe you think he is better looking…..and maybe he's younger…but looks are INSIDE and OUT. Don't sell yourself short!


----------



## trueblu8

Listen to me get out now while you can. Move on. This person is not the person that you thought they were. Things will never ever be the same between you. Do you really want to be with a person that doesn't love and respect you. There are so many other fish in the sea. Do yourself a favor, don't subject yourself to this pain any longer. Move on. You deserve better. Look at this as a blessing in disguise. You will survive this and be a stronger and better person for it. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It'll be alright. You can do this. Now like a Phoenix arise from the ashes.*

I wrote this for somebody else's thread. But at the same time it was also for myself. I am gradually getting over her. It's going to be a long, hard road back, but I will get there. Thanks for all your help and advice.


----------



## the guy

Hows your daughter doing?


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## trueblu8

She's with me. And she is doing great. She even likes some of daddy's new lady friends that he has met at work. They all love her and think she is the cutest thing in the world. She wants to be happy again, and so do I.


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## Clay2013

trueblu8 said:


> She's with me. And she is doing great. She even likes some of daddy's new lady friends that he has met at work. They all love her and think she is the cutest thing in the world. She wants to be happy again, and so do I.


Reading this just makes me smile. I mean does anything else really matter. My kids are my world too. Seeing them happy is everything to me. 

Good for you  

It sounds like your going in the right direction. 

Clay


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## trueblu8

Thanks man.


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## weightlifter

Clay2013 said:


> Reading this just makes me smile. I mean does anything else really matter. My kids are my world too. Seeing them happy is everything to me.
> 
> Good for you
> 
> It sounds like your going in the right direction.
> 
> Clay


Doesnt hurt that doting single dad at park is almost as good as a cute puppy.


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## trueblu8

Lol. Yep.


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## the guy

How were you able to keep your daughter in the same school and not get taken by your ex?


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## trueblu8

Because I think she knows that this is what is best for my daughter. And also I think the om doesn't want the responsibility of having some other guy's kid around. One of her aunts told me she's living the life now that she couldn't when she was younger cause her parents were so strict.


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## the guy

Does her mother visit or is she out of her daughters life for good?


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## trueblu8

No. She gets her on the weekends and Wednesday nights.


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## the guy

That's good I guess.

A daughter needs her mother.

You do realize that all this parting will catch up to her and one of these day's she going come knocking on your front door with all her crap in a shopping cart.:lol:


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## trueblu8

Yes a child needs their mother as well as their father. That's one of the things that hurts the most. That she's not here for her daughter or me. One day my daughter told me daddy I wish mommy would just come home. I know she misses her daughter. I can hear it in her voice when she calls to talk to her. But I doubt she would ever try to come back. And then if she did the real question is would I even take her back.


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## the guy

trueblu8 said:


> That's one of the things that hurts the most. That she's not here for her daughter


So when she has your daughter on the weekend it's actually with a babysitter?


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## trueblu8

You know what I mean. I mean during the week. She basically chose this guy over us.


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## GusPolinski

trueblu8 said:


> No. She gets her on the weekends and Wednesday nights.


She gets her every weekend? Sorry, but that's bullsh*t.


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## trueblu8

Why's that?


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## ButtPunch

trueblu8 said:


> Why's that?


Very unusual for a separated parent to get every weekend. It usually is every other weekend.


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## trueblu8

Oh right. Well that's what we agreed to. And I didn't want to be a **** and take her daughter away from her. So that's the arrangement we currently have.


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## Yeswecan

trueblu8 said:


> Oh right. Well that's what we agreed to. And I didn't want to be a **** and take her daughter away from her. So that's the arrangement we currently have.


Yet she takes your daughter away from you on the days were things can be planned to do. The arrangement is crap. Weekends are for doing things together. If you daughter is off to moms every weekend where does that leave you with leisure time with your daughter?


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## GusPolinski

Yeswecan said:


> Yet she takes your daughter away from you on the days were things can be planned to do. The arrangement is crap. Weekends are for doing things together. If you daughter is off to moms every weekend where does that leave you with leisure time with your daughter?


Exactly correct. You're busy packing lunches, checking homework, wiping boogers, washing clothes, getting your daughter to brush her teeth, getting her to bed at a decent hour, etc during the week, and all the while POSOM is laying siege to your WW's birth canal. And then -- once Friday evening hits -- your WW gets to play "fun weekend Mommy" up until the point that she drops your daughter off on your doorstep on Sunday evening. That's just about the most bullsh*t arrangement possible.

I've not read through your thread in a while... have you filed for divorce yet?


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## the guy

I think the arrangement can go both ways. In that, OP has the week end off , catch a game with some friends, set up dates, and take home some strange if he wants.

Lets face it you aren't going to pick up much strange Tuesday night at the bar!


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## GusPolinski

the guy said:


> I think the arrangement can go both ways. In that, OP has the week end off , catch a game with some friends, set up dates, and take home some strange if he wants.
> 
> Lets face it you aren't going to pick up much strange Tuesday night at the bar!


That's fine if they're alternating weekend, but if she's getting the kid EVERY weekend...?

Sorry, but that's BS.


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## Iver

trueblu8 said:


> ...And I didn't want to be a **** and take her daughter away from her...


Considering the situation she put you in, I think it's OK for you to start being a ****


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## trueblu8

the guy said:


> I think the arrangement can go both ways. In that, OP has the week end off , catch a game with some friends, set up dates, and take home some strange if he wants.
> 
> Lets face it you aren't going to pick up much strange Tuesday night at the bar!


The guy is correct.


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## trueblu8

Iver said:


> trueblu8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...And I didn't want to be a **** and take her daughter away from her...
> 
> 
> 
> Considering the situation she put you in, I think it's OK for you to start being a ****
Click to expand...

My friends have told me the same. And to tell you the truth I'm getting tired of being nice all the time. It's exhausting.


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## trueblu8

GusPolinski said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yet she takes your daughter away from you on the days were things can be planned to do. The arrangement is crap. Weekends are for doing things together. If you daughter is off to moms every weekend where does that leave you with leisure time with your daughter?
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly correct. You're busy packing lunches, checking homework, wiping boogers, washing clothes, getting your daughter to brush her teeth, getting her to bed at a decent hour, etc during the week, and all the while POSOM is laying siege to your WW's birth canal. And then -- once Friday evening hits -- your WW gets to play "fun weekend Mommy" up until the point that she drops your daughter off on your doorstep on Sunday evening. That's just about the most bullsh*t arrangement possible.
> 
> I've not read through your thread in a while... have you filed for divorce yet?
Click to expand...

This is also true. And no I haven't filed yet. She's been begging me to. But I don't want to make things easy for her. She just wants it so that things will then look okay to her family and friends. But I want her to suffer. I want her to feel the full embarrassment of what she's done when her family and friends are talking crap about her behind her back.


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## Q tip

trueblu8 said:


> This is also true. And no I haven't filed yet. She's been begging me to. But I don't want to make things easy for her. She just wants it so that things will then look okay to her family and friends. But I want her to suffer. I want her to feel the full embarrassment of what she's done when her family and friends are talking crap about her behind her back.


You're also holding back your life too you know. Expose and they'll see her for what she is anyway. And that you took matters up and did the D. 

She'll get tired of this and file herself. Then you'll be reacting to her again. Take the bloody lead and take control of your future.


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## trueblu8

Duely noted. It will be done.


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## trueblu8

Now to beg for my job back tomorrow after going on a bender Friday night and missing work Saturday. Wish me the best guys.


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## happyman64

trueblu8 said:


> Now to beg for my job back tomorrow after going on a bender Friday night and missing work Saturday. Wish me the best guys.


Get your job back you need it.

Just The fact you went on a bender and missed work shows how bad you are still hurting.

Remind your boss you are going through a time and have a kid to support......

Good Luck


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## Chaparral

You haven't exposed yet?


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