# Tough day with STBXH



## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

I was in a funk all night last night. I knew it was inpart due to the wrong meeting info, but something more seemed off. I thought about my husband all night! Thoughts of him and our break up CONSUMED me. I even dreamt of him in the mere almost one hour that I slept. I sat on my couch at 3 am this morning with this feeling of desperation that I couldnt put my finger on. It seemed more than just the normal sadness Ive been experiencing with the separation. 

This morning I wanted to call him SOOOO badly! I called my cousin instead and stayed on the phone with her until I got to work (the only time I could call him at his job). She helped me get past the impulse, but something still just wasnt right. 

I spent the whole day with this feeling. At 4:30 this afternoon, I got a text. Not expecting it to be him AT ALL since there has been no contact since last Wednesday. I look and it is. I read it - it says "I just got kicked out" (of his mothers). I replied back - What but no response. Then the phone rings, its him, and I answered.

He is in the midst of another binge! His mom kicked him out. He was crying on the phone, telling me that his life has gone to sh*t ever since I kicked him out, his kids are devastated, he needs my support, he needs me. I begged him to go check himself into rehab. He said he couldnt. I said since your mom kicked you out and you have no where to go anyway, this is the perfect time. He said - That answers my question. I said what question, he said that I wouldnt be willing to support him and help him. 

I didnt want to make him angry, I could already tell that he was messed up enough and any ammo I gave him, he was going all out! 

I was getting ready to take my daughter to dancing to school and he was at the bar around the corner from there. I know I shouldnt have, but after I signed her in, I walked over there.

I walked in to find him passed out cold at the bar. The woman at the bar said he went down about 10 minutes before I walked in. I walked over to him, his head was on the bar, his mouth wide open, drool all over. I tapped him, I pushed him, I tried so hard to get him up, but I couldnt. Some man in the bar came over and helped me to actually pick him up until he started to come to. He opened his eyes, looked at me and start crying like a baby!

We walked out front and talked. It wasnt good. He basically blamed me for everything once again. He said his mom told him to go overdose because it would be better for the kids. He said she was right. He said that if he didnt come home, then "I know what he is gonna go do tonight". I walked up to him, crying my eyes out, kissed him, told him I love him and said I have to leave. I walked away. 

He yelled down the street as I was walking away saying that I never wanted a husband, I turned around and said why do you think Im here still and turned back and kept on walking. 

I havent heard from him since.

Im devastated!


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

phillybrokenheart said:


> I was in a funk all night last night. I knew it was inpart due to the wrong meeting info, but something more seemed off. I thought about my husband all night! Thoughts of him and our break up CONSUMED me. I even dreamt of him in the mere almost one hour that I slept. I sat on my couch at 3 am this morning with this feeling of desperation that I couldnt put my finger on. It seemed more than just the normal sadness Ive been experiencing with the separation.
> 
> This morning I wanted to call him SOOOO badly! I called my cousin instead and stayed on the phone with her until I got to work (the only time I could call him at his job). She helped me get past the impulse, but something still just wasnt right.
> Your story is very sad. I certainly fell for you. It sounds like you should run away from him as fast as you can. Please find a support groug. It may be hard now but there are certainly other people out there
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

I am working as hard as I can to get myself help, I really am. Ive upped my counseling appts, she even allows me daily emails and/or calls in between appts, I met with an addiction counselor as well, Ive been to my family doctor and have been put on antidepressants whith only gave me side effects to deal with on top of everything else, I am buying books left and right, Im so confused I dont even know what topic Im reading half the time! I have my family and friends supporting me on a daily basis, calls, visits, what ever I need.

But at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try, I just cant shake this love I feel for him. I hate him because of it! 

I feel so guilty right now! I know I shouldnt, I know its the co-dependent in me that is causing me to feel that way. I am so worried. If God Forbid he overdoses, I think that will be the straw that broke the camels back for me and I am going to wind up having a nervous breakdown!

I need to cut my ties COMPLETELY and FOR GOOD, but I worry so much about him.

I dont know.

Thanks for the concern, it IS comforting. And trust me, it is thanks to this site that I can see the dysfunction in my relationship and how bad I need to break free from this. Not because of anyone elses stories, but by the comments that I receive back. Strangers are able to tell you things more bluntly than family or friends can do, and right now, thats what I need.

So thank you to all of you!!!

Hugs from me


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

If your life were a movie, I would be crying about now. Hell, I may cry anyway. I can really feel your pain from your words, trying to be strong is so difficult, isn't it? In the long run, you are doing the right thing and I think you know that, but that doesn't stop the guilt from inching in. Please keep in mind that anything your stbxh does, it is NOT your fault. He sounds like he is getting desperate and may start saying some strange things to get you to let him in out of the rain.

Counseling and venting are imperative in your situation, I am glad to hear you are getting help. Stay strong and keep venting when necessary.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

endlessgrief said:


> Counseling and venting are imperative in your situation, I am glad to hear you are getting help. Stay strong and keep venting when necessary.



Philly - Stay strong for your daughter. Your STBXH is STILL playing you!!! He is in the midst of a binge, feeling sorry for HIMSELF, NOT YOU or the demise of your marriage. You know that. I know you still love him, and no one is telling you that you shouldn't love him. But love him from a distant right now. Let him get better, let yourself get better, if that's the direction he wants to go. He needs rehab and you've suggested it many times, and many times he pushes back... He's not being honest with himself or you right now. 

I can remember losing about 5 pounds in one week (I'm 95 soaking wet to begin with) when my H was lost in crackland. I tossed and turned on the couch, I couldn't stand to be in my bed - the last place we made love. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, gawd I was a mess. I was also drinking myself into oblivion because I just didn't want to deal with the hurt and feeling like a failure. I did get better eventually on my own and started living my life like my H didn't exist, I too had heard all the excuses why he wouldn't go to rehab by then and I was done. 

It was probably 3 months before I heard from him again, this time he was in jail and was facing 4 years behind bars for a probation violation. But he was clean and I was willing to listen to him. And here we are now, 4 plus years later. It took a lot of work on his part and mine to make this work, but the drugging had to stop in it's tracks before I would listen to word he had to say. My H admits when he was on crack, he would tell anyone anything they wanted to hear, meanwhile his sole focus in life while using drugs was getting more drugs, not running out, etc. 

Keep it up, keep focusing on YOU and your daughter... Your daughter deserves your energy, your STBXH does not.


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Philly - Stay strong for your daughter. Your STBXH is STILL playing you!!! He is in the midst of a binge, feeling sorry for HIMSELF, NOT YOU or the demise of your marriage. You know that. I know you still love him, and no one is telling you that you shouldn't love him. But love him from a distant right now. Let him get better, let yourself get better, if that's the direction he wants to go. He needs rehab and you've suggested it many times, and many times he pushes back... He's not being honest with himself or you right now.
> 
> I can remember losing about 5 pounds in one week (I'm 95 soaking wet to begin with) when my H was lost in crackland. I tossed and turned on the couch, I couldn't stand to be in my bed - the last place we made love. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, gawd I was a mess. I was also drinking myself into oblivion because I just didn't want to deal with the hurt and feeling like a failure. I did get better eventually on my own and started living my life like my H didn't exist, I too had heard all the excuses why he wouldn't go to rehab by then and I was done.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I feel like there no end in sight for what I am going through right now!

I too haven't slept in my bed since Dec 8th when I asked him to leave. I cant bare to be in my ("our") bedroom any longer than to get my clothes and leave.

Thanks again, knowing that there was even one single person in the SAME exact situtation and came out on the other side is so helpful to me right now!

So many hugs to you!!!


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