# why di i think the situation will change for more than a few weeks?



## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

hi there everyone, 
I don't doubt that a few members on here will tell me to sort myself out, I keep thinking my wife will change and our sex life will get better and stay better but it never materializes, 
I have had enough but cannot face leaving my daughters,
I know I have a choice, I either leave or put up with the situation.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How long has this been going on? What do you feel has changed? Have you talked with her about all of this?


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

hi callalily,
this has been going on for about 2 years, we used to have a great sexlife, she says she will try but we always end up back to once a week if I am lucky or as little as once a month, I have spoke to her numerous times which only makes a difference for a week or two, I have tried everything that is possible, I have said to her that I clearly want her more tha she wants me but she says that's not true, the rejection I feel is huge,


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

When you have asked her why things have slacked off, what has she said? What are your ages? Do you feel she has some kind of hormonal issue going on?


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

she says that the amount of sex we have is more than acceptable,
I am 45 and my wife is 42,
there is no medical problem as after one of our many discussions I persuaded her to get checked out at the docs, she got the all clear with flying colours,
i get comments from her like, all you think about is sex,
I am sure if I said to her that we could try for another baby she would want it more,


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And how often are you having sex? How often would you like? Is she on birth control? How many kids do you have?

How's YOUR side of the fence? Health, fitness, hygiene? You could try reading and implementing "Married Man's Sex Life Primer"...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Folks, pjp is an old hand at this dance. He has come to this forum 5 times now. Last April, last July, last October, in March, and again now. Each time he starts the identical thread. His wife rejects him, so he complains to her about how much she's hurting him. Sometimes, he'll un-seriously threaten divorce. Then, she improves for a month or so. He thinks the problem is solved. Then, she steadily starts cooling off until they're back to once a month. You can save your breath with this one. I'll post my final post from his last thread.



> Look, pjp, you need to change your behavior. So far, you have refused. Your plan of action is to whine to your wife for the umpteenth time, and then accept her temporary, sexual peace offering. Then, things go right back to normal.
> 
> Obviously, whining doesn't do anything to your wife. At this point, your wife is like one of those people who need a white noise machine to sleep and your whining is the white noise she needs. You're just running after her shouting, "Change! Change! Change!" And she has tuned you out. She doesn't even hear it anymore.
> 
> ...


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

hi pbear,
we do it once a week if i am very lucky, 
generaly its once or twice a month!
twice a week would be very nice indeed,
she has the coil fitted which she says she is very happy with,
we have 2 daughters,
my health is good, i am 6 foot 2 and weigh 190lb, i am a very clean man,


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

hi phtlump,
i think you are being rather harsh,
and just because you have not had the answer to my problem it doesn't mean someone else wont find it for me!
and as a lot of people in my situation you still have to look to try to find a solution.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Actually, he's right. Unless you're going to change yourself or the situation (as in, leave), you can expect to keep going through this cycle. 

I decided my wife wasn't interested in making changes in our relationship. Our sex life was a big part of it. Eventually, I chose to have an affair and ended up leaving the marriage shortly after. Not for my affair partner, but just that the affair obviously wasn't going to fix my marriage, and it wasn't going to fix itself. So I needed to make a change. I've been seeing a great woman since shortly after that, and am MUCH happier. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

pjp said:


> hi phtlump,
> i think you are being rather harsh,
> and just because you have not had the answer to my problem it doesn't mean someone else wont find it for me!
> and as a lot of people in my situation you still have to look to try to find a solution.


Actually, i would wager that phtlump's answer he posted is the exact answer to your problem. 
JMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

am i so bad to try to believe there is a solution?
i know i keep going over old ground but ending a 20 year marriage is not an easy thing to do.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

How old are you guys? Does she doll her self up, wear accentuating makeup, clothes, etc when going "out" without you? It is hard to believe anyone can go almost a month without even wanting it unless they have a medical/hormonal problem or they are getting sex some place else.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i am 45 and my wife is 42, she rarely goes out, there is no hint of an affair, and that's not just me looking on the bright side or being blind to it, i agree with this comment "It is hard to believe anyone can go almost a month without even wanting it" but it doesn't seem to be a problem for my wife,
it might be ridiculous to hope for a solution but i am still hoping.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

pjp said:


> am i so bad to try to believe there is a solution?
> i know i keep going over old ground but ending a 20 year marriage is not an easy thing to do.


There is a potential solution, but it doesn't seem like you're willing to attempt it. Either change yourself through something like the MMSLP, or change the dynamics of situation by leaving. It doesn't mean you have to divorce, but you have to show her somehow that you're serious that things need to change. Right now, you've taught her that all she needs to do to get you to shut up is pretend to change for a bit and then revert back. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Hey pjp,

You and I are living a similar life. 

My wife and I will have sex and the world seems perfect. For a few days ..... Then she will reject me, make up reasons to stay up late, has a sore neck, sore back, too early, too late, kids will hear, etc.

This weekend we spent most of the morning in bed. It was great to hold each other, make love (a couple of times), laugh and talk. At one point I said, it feels great to hold you. She said, "Yes, it does, right now.". I sarcastically said 'right now' and she laughed and said, don't you like this game. I said, "NO, not at all". But I sure did take advantage of the 'right now'.

I don't have any advice other than keep at it or leave. 

I have decided to keep at it. For a variety of reasons that I mentioned in the 'stay for money' thread. The biggest reason right now, is because I love her so much.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i couldn't agree more, 
i just don't understand why they wouldn't want the good sexual times more?
i am not asking to do it every night.
i unfortunately cannot offer you any advice either as i don't really know what to do myself.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Same boat here, been working on it and myself for years. Acceptance is where I am for now. Doing a lot more for myself, putting up with a lot less of the BS in other parts of our relationship. Trying to make myself happier without worrying about the outcome with her. I'm not leaving the mini empire I have created and worked so hard for because of this


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I look at it like, "In the right situation with the right person" would she be turned on and desire sex? i.e. With Brad Pitt or George Clooney (or whoever turns her crank) in front of the fireplace or on a beach or whevere she finds sexy. 

If the answer is "no" then there is a physical issue, i.e. hormonal etc. 

If the answer is "yes" then the issue lies in your relationship. For whatever reason you're not turning her crank. It could be unrelated to you as in burn out from work, finances, children, family etc. It could be resentment towards you for a past real or perceived slight. It could be you're not pushing the right buttons when trying to seduce her. There are a lot of possibilities.

As others have commented just asking her at this point is not going to work. You can only change yourself and hope she changes in response to that. People here have different philosophies on what form the new you should take. 

The bottom line is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

pjp said:


> i am 45 and my wife is 42, she rarely goes out, there is no hint of an affair, and that's not just me looking on the bright side or being blind to it, i agree with this comment "It is hard to believe anyone can go almost a month without even wanting it" but it doesn't seem to be a problem for my wife,
> it might be ridiculous to hope for a solution but i am still hoping.


Change yourself.

Maybe you need to start dressing differently, maybe even improve your diet and exercise. It may seem odd, but the change-up may turn her own. Does she find YOU attractive? 
You have to keep some mystique I suppose...


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

My wife says I am perfect whatever that is, she also says I am and will always be the only man for her, I think I am a pretty good specimen of a man, I am 6 foot 2 and weigh about 190lb, I am I good shape with no flabby bits anywhere, I just need a wife that fancies it a bit more!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

When will you wake up to your own madness?

When will you stop accepting less than acceptable treatment?

I finally changed and put my wants and needs as a priority and am progressing forward. I suggest you do the same if you want to be happy with the rest of your life.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=67022


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> hi phtlump,
> i think you are being rather harsh,
> and just because you have not had the answer to my problem it doesn't mean someone else wont find it for me!
> and as a lot of people in my situation you still have to look to try to find a solution.


I'm being harsh because the first FOUR times you were here, you obviously didn't take the advice offered. You're saying you're ready now? Color me skeptical.

And I do have the answer to your problem. You have to change yourself. That's it. That's the thing you absolutely must do. And that's the thing you refuse to do. So, you see, there's really no middle ground. You either change yourself, or you don't.

If you change yourself, you have a chance that your wife will treat you differently. If you don't, you'll get exactly what you've always gotten until that magical unicorn from Narnia shows up at your door with the golden ticket that will solve all of your life's problems. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that golden ticket.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> am i so bad to try to believe there is a solution?
> i know i keep going over old ground but ending a 20 year marriage is not an easy thing to do.


Good news! Leaving your marriage isn't phase one of the MAP. It's phase seven. You have six other steps before you are faced with the choice of whether you divorce your wife. And many (most?) wives respond positively during phases 1-3.

Also, even if you improve yourself to be more attractive (looks and behavior) to women, and even if your wife refuses to respond, endless misery is also an option for you. There is no law that says that, once other women find you attractive, you must divorce your wife and seek out happiness elsewhere. You can be just as miserable getting once a month sex as a sex-rank 8 as you can as a sex-rank 6.

So, you really don't have the excuses you think you do.


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