# Free pass?



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.

I also know of someone that was recently approached by a woman that wanted her to sleep with her husband. Reason being was that she cheated on him and felt that she owed him so that they could repair their marriage. She was going to give him a free pass for a sexual affair to get things out of his system and wanted to know nothing about what they did.

Who here could do it? Be that wife that let her husband step out sexually to keep him present in their relationship?

I know that I for one would NEVER let my SO touch another woman and if he did I would lose my ****....and I sure as **** would not arrange it for him.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I couldn't do it. Some people are capable of open relationships, and even take joy in their partner's happiness with another partner. I am not one of those people. Fidelity is of utmost importance to me. I don't know if I could stay or reconcile with someone who cheated on me, let alone PLAN for my partner to have an affair.

What I don't understand about the two examples you've cited is that they did this without telling their husbands. So the husbands in these situations were actually cheating. These women could have initiated the end of their marriages. What if the husband--who thought he was having an affair, not knowing it was sanctioned by his wife--decides to leave the marriage because he falls in love with his "affair partner"? What if he continues to have other affairs after, that aren't sanctioned by the wife?

If both people agree to an open relationship, that's one thing. I'm in support of a couple deciding what is best for them. But when one arranges it without the other's knowledge or consent, that's just asking for trouble. 

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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Sex is extreme bonding for me. No way could I just have sex with someone else, too many heart strings would get attached.

As for the wife that had the affair, if that isn't ever addressed between the two of them, it will probably happen again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

xMadame said:


> So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.


You shouldn't believe everything you read.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

sokillme said:


> You shouldn't believe everything you read.



Like some stuff on TAM? 

:laugh:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

xMadame said:


> So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.
> 
> I also know of someone that was recently approached by a woman that wanted her to sleep with her husband. Reason being was that she cheated on him and felt that she owed him so that they could repair their marriage. She was going to give him a free pass for a sexual affair to get things out of his system and wanted to know nothing about what they did.
> 
> ...


That lady suggesting that her husband have sex with another lady because she had cheated is quite honestly crazy. It will only make a bad situation worse. 
if a man cant wait for few months for sex because his wife has pregnancy complications then that's also weird. 
Faithfulness is vital. For a wife to actually arrange for her husband to commit adultery is bizarre and will cause serious issues in the marriage.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> That lady suggesting that her husband have sex with another lady because she had cheated is quite honestly crazy. It will only make a bad situation worse.
> if a man cant wait for few months for sex because his wife has pregnancy complications then that's also weird.
> Faithfulness is vital. For a wife to actually arrange for her husband to commit adultery is bizarre and will cause serious issues in the marriage.


I disagree with you on nearly everything, it seems, but I totally agree with you on this one!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We have an open relationship, and it has been for over 16 years. We have never cheated on each other - or on any past partners. Early on, we agreed that if either of us couldn't fully participate in normal sexual activities for an extended period, we have permission to seek it elsewhere. We see no reason or advantage in denying something to each other if we can't provide it, because to do so usually creates resentment, stress, and a higher chance of deceitful, cheating behavior. We feel that it is far better to deal with such issues openly, compassionately, and consensually.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You shouldn't believe everything you read.




You should go back and read what was stated and then provide a comment that is relevant.

Two scenarios and myself providing a topic of discussion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> We have an open relationship, and it has been for over 16 years. We have never cheated on each other - or on any past partners. Early on, we agreed that if either of us couldn't fully participate in normal sexual activities for an extended period, we have permission to seek it elsewhere. We see no reason or advantage in denying something to each other if we can't provide it, because to do so usually creates resentment, stress, and a higher chance of deceitful, cheating behavior. We feel that it is far better to deal with such issues openly, compassionately, and consensually.


 I dont see it as compassionate at all for me to have sex with another man just because my husband isn't able to have sex for whatever reason. I also don't see it as compassionate to use another person merely for my own physical release. Seems pretty selfish to me. 

I love and respect my husband far too much to ever do this to him. 
I made promises to be faithful, to be with him for better and for worse. 

If a marriage cant survive a time of no sex then there is something wrong.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

xMadame said:


> So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.
> 
> I also know of someone that was recently approached by a woman that wanted her to sleep with her husband. Reason being was that she cheated on him and felt that she owed him so that they could repair their marriage. She was going to give him a free pass for a sexual affair to get things out of his system and wanted to know nothing about what they did.
> 
> ...


I'm with you MadameX on this one.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Xmadame, 

Things like this (free passes) and the plethora of stories on here and other site, has convinced me that marriage today should be redesigned, in other words overhauled...that like anything else there should be a term limit even for marriage....each party gets married for 10 years, after which everyone walks away 50/50, if any issues were created during that duration of that marraige, they both are responsible for the raising that child or children together, if they want to re-up for another 10 years or 5 years they can do so. but this way you can reduce divorce and cheating, not 100% but i suspect by a lot...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Quite honestly, it's ****ed up thinking, in both scenarios. Because the husband doesn't KNOW about the 'arrangement'. It's duplicitous.

Now, if this was something discussed between the two of them and agreed upon - okay, whatever floats your boat. No judgement from me on that whatsoever.

That said, if my wife were unable to have sex (or do anything sexual) with me for an extended period of time, I'd be furious if she suggested something like that. Reason being is that, like most people, we want our partners to have a certain level of 'hands off, he/she's mine' for us. Not in the sense of ownership, but along those lines.

If my wife were okay, or even happy to permit me to have sex with another woman, I'd seriously reconsider how she felt about me.

On a related note, my ex wife once said I could get BJ's from other women if I wanted, provided she never heard about it. She had a jaw issue (TMJ?) that prevented her from doing so which started occurring early into our relationship. No, it wasn't an excuse, her mouth literally locked open several times during the act and would take up to 20 minutes to relax and pop back into place. There would be tears.

I never once complained about the lack of oral sex after that, it was a non-issue. Unfortunate for me, but nothing I could do. Her suggestion was of her own accord. In hindsight, it was one of many signs that she simply was not into me, hence her being my ex wife (or more apt, me being her ex husband).



xMadame said:


> So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.
> 
> I also know of someone that was recently approached by a woman that wanted her to sleep with her husband. Reason being was that she cheated on him and felt that she owed him so that they could repair their marriage. She was going to give him a free pass for a sexual affair to get things out of his system and wanted to know nothing about what they did.
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Who here could do it? Be that wife that let her husband step out sexually to keep him present in their relationship?


I actually think this is more common in marriages than one would think. Some women are so frustrated with their husband's needs/wants that they begin to feel used. These women feel that their husband's sexual desire is arbitrary and so overwhelming that they are willing to let the husband use a prostitute just so the wife can have a break. 

A poster on TAM outlined this scenario and actually had her husband go through with it with an OW that was a friend of his (not a prostitute). She then became FURIOUS that it was not just sex but that the husband enjoyed the emotional aspects of the affair more. She shut that shît down and forced her husband to have no further contact with the OW. Most of the posters on TAM sympathized with the OW and felt that the OP "used" her to take out her sexual aggressions on someone outside her marriage instead of solving those problems with her own husband.

Badsanta


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

in the case of letting them do it because you cheated, no that doesn't work. 

We are swingers, so in our marriage either of us is free to have sex with whomever we want. We do not do it behind each other's back, we know everything and tell everything to each other. It is a huge thrill to us, though certainly the majority of married couples don't feel this way. But it works for us, 23 years together and the only rocky point in our marriage was actually during a time when we took a few years off from swinging. After we got past that we made a mutual decision to play again and it has been great.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds greatly like fodder for The Jerry Springer Show!*


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I dont see it as compassionate at all for me to have sex with another man just because my husband isn't able to have sex for whatever reason. I also don't see it as compassionate to use another person merely for my own physical release. Seems pretty selfish to me.
> 
> I love and respect my husband far too much to ever do this to him.
> *I made promises to be faithful, to be with him for better and for worse.*
> ...


This is why I find the term open marriage to be an oxymoron. An open relationship wherein both parties understand the risks and benefits of same and are both fully willing to engage I understand. I do not understand it within the context of marriage. If marriage is merely for tax and insurance benefits then perhaps a more savvy accountant or attorney can take the place of vows in such instances.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> This is why I find the term open marriage to be an oxymoron. An open relationship wherein both parties understand the risks and benefits of same and are both fully willing to engage I understand. I do not understand it within the context of marriage. If marriage is merely for tax and insurance benefits then perhaps a more savvy accountant or attorney can take the place of vows in such instances.


So, marriage is only about sex? And requiring exclusivity under all circumstances? That's fine if that's what you both want and expect, but why would you want to impose your view of marriage on someone else, who has a different view? BTW, we didn't vow sexual exclusivity when we married, so I guess we're off the hook as far as your expectations go!


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

happy2gether said:


> But it works for us, 23 years together


I am happy it works for the both of you. My own experience is much different. In my 52 years on this earth I have had 6 friends (mostly coworkers) that were swingers. I was even invited by one couple, I politely declined. 

Each couple claimed they were happy and liked the life style. Today, all 6 couples are divorced. 4 of the couples split because one spouse fell in love with one of the partners and left. 

I think it's playing with fire.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

rockon said:


> I am happy it works for the both of you. My own experience is much different. In my 52 years on this earth I have had 6 friends (mostly coworkers) that were swingers. I was even invited by one couple, I politely declined.
> 
> Each couple claimed they were happy and liked the life style. Today, all 6 couples are divorced. 4 of the couples split because one spouse fell in love with one of the partners and left.
> 
> I think it's playing with fire.


That's your experience. We know over 500 swinger couples, and all but a handful are still happily married 10 years later (many had been swingers for a decade or even longer when we first met them). In our experience (and social science research tends to back our observation), swingers have happier, stronger, longer lasting marriages than average. So, they may play with fire, but fewer are burned - and certainly FAR fewer have problems than so-called monogamists who end up cheating at far higher rates.

Edit: I do think the situation the OP presents is seriously messed up, though. It wasn't approached with honesty, only manipulation.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

This topic came up in my thread about spouses having affairs after the other spouse ended up in a nursing home, hospice, or other long term care situation. People seemed to feel it was ok as long as both spouses were agreed with it, but at the same time it seems like most people consider it tacky at best and cruel at worst.

And if the wife doesn't tell her husband she's setting him up, then he's cheating even if she's ok with it. That's pretty messed up. "I'm giving you permission to cheat but I'm not telling you I'm giving you permission to cheat?" How does that even make sense?

And I'm sorry but our (and most) marriage vows still say "forsaking all others ... in sickness and in health ... until death do us part." I wonder how many people in this day and age really have any intention of honoring their marriage vows for life, even as they're taking them? I know for a fact my STBXH never intended to honor his, he actually told me so.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I understand swinging and know it works for some couples. The odd one in this case is that she didn't let the husband know - which means that he would think he was cheating. 

I can see it in one way - she felt guilty and wanted to prove (to herself?) that anyone would cheat in the rigth circumstances. Not a good plan IMHO.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

if sex is that important and you can't imagine going without for several months, then one decision to seriously consider
is to forego having kids. pregnancy will usually delay or extend a period of sexlessness. I think a lot of couples don't think this through enough.
what's more important sex, or kids? sometimes both can't be had, at least for a season(s). 

add to that illness, medical conditions, discomfort, incompatibility, people growing apart, et.

the bottom line: a primary reason for getting married is sex. but both man and woman must be prepared to forego under certain circumstances.
if that isn't considered beforehand, then maybe getting married wasn't thought through enough.
maybe remaining single and partaking of the dating smorgasbord is the better answer.

as for myself (and speaking only for me), i can go without if i have to. i was a bachelor for years before rediscovering women.
i would never think about being with someone other than my wife, even if events led to her not being able to do it again ever.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> So, marriage is only about sex? And requiring exclusivity under all circumstances? That's fine if that's what you both want and expect, but why would you want to impose your view of marriage on someone else, who has a different view? BTW, we didn't vow sexual exclusivity when we married, so I guess we're off the hook as far as your expectations go!


Firstly Sir I have no expectations of you nor anyone else save those that affect how you interact in society. You ask if marriage is about only sex and then if it requires exclusivity in "all" circumstances? I do believe that exclusivity is important in marriage and does, in fact, define the concept. Marriage is exclusionary by definition. Would you jointly buy a home to live in with someone who is not your wife, open joint bank accounts? Does exclusivity play no role in your marriage? Then I am curious as to why marry. I married so that I could spend the rest of my life with that (singular) person. Is that not exclusive of all others? Were you not singling that person out to unite with? Why? Could that be deemed exclusionary behavior on your part? 

You did not take a vow of sexual exclusivity so what exclusivity did you vow to uphold? If nothing then that begs the question why marry? Was it love? I offer that most people, not all, find the act of sexual intimacy to be the highest expression of love between two people as it shows an openness and vulnerability that nothing else can. I also feel it is something to be guarded and cherished, a unique offering to be protected at all costs, not something akin to choosing a partner in a couples tennis match. Lastly, I was unaware that the expression of my opinion on an open forum constituted imposing my views on you or anyone that does not agree with them. These are my feelings and I neither demand nor expect that you adopt or even agree with them, simply that you accept them as I accept yours.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

xMadame said:


> So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.
> 
> I also know of someone that was recently approached by a woman that wanted her to sleep with her husband. Reason being was that she cheated on him and felt that she owed him so that they could repair their marriage. She was going to give him a free pass for a sexual affair to get things out of his system and wanted to know nothing about what they did.
> 
> ...


Now wait a minute. Part of your titillating story said *one women cheated on her husband FIRST*. She wanted to self-even the score, repair the damage and lessen her guilt. *xMadame if you cheated first,* and followed the guidelines of your post would you then allow another women to touch your husband. If you say no...then you are a hypocrite, in addition to being a cheating liar.

I know that you not these things! I am re directing your hypothetical. We need to rope in the cheater crowd into your post.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> That's your experience.
> 
> Edit: I do think the situation the OP presents is seriously messed up, though. It wasn't approached with honesty, only manipulation.


Yes, that is my experience. But I will admit it comes from my circle of friends and acquaintances and is far to limited to comment on the topic with any authority. It's just a life style that I, personally, could not do. 

Totally agree with the way the OP presented the question. I believe it was meant to incite.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Firstly Sir I have no expectations of you nor anyone else save those that affect how you interact in society. You ask if marriage is about only sex and then if it requires exclusivity in "all" circumstances? I do believe that exclusivity is important in marriage and does, in fact, define the concept. Marriage is exclusionary by definition. Would you jointly buy a home to live in with someone who is not your wife, open joint bank accounts? Does exclusivity play no role in your marriage? Then I am curious as to why marry. I married so that I could spend the rest of my life with that (singular) person. Is that not exclusive of all others? Were you not singling that person out to unite with? Why? Could that be deemed exclusionary behavior on your part?
> 
> You did not take a vow of sexual exclusivity so what exclusivity did you vow to uphold? If nothing then that begs the question why marry? Was it love? I offer that most people, not all, find the act of sexual intimacy to be the highest expression of love between two people as it shows an openness and vulnerability that nothing else can. I also feel it is something to be guarded and cherished, a unique offering to be protected at all costs, not something akin to choosing a partner in a couples tennis match. Lastly, I was unaware that the expression of my opinion on an open forum constituted imposing my views on you or anyone that does not agree with them. These are my feelings and I neither demand nor expect that you adopt or even agree with them, simply that you accept them as I accept yours.


We married for purely pragmatic reasons. Yes, we were and are deeply in love, but neither of us feel marriage is necessary. The exclusivity is that we're not married to anyone else! In other words, we're not polygamous. We are also a team, with joint goals and aspirations, as in most marriages - but marriage isn't necessary to be a team (we were a team for many years before we married, and is one reason we decided that marriage would not be a mistake for us to undertake). BTW, we did jointly buy a home before we were married, and had some joint accounts. I guess you'd say we're financially exclusive. We're also exclusive in that we're primarily devoted to each other's happiness, well-being, and personal growth. Commitment and trust does not require marriage, in our opinion. 

So, we have something truly special in each other. We don't need sexual exclusivity to be special - we have deeper compatibility, including shared views on sex. We see sex as special between us, but it's also recreational, and in that sense can be shared with others for greater variety and range of experiences.

Anyway, I accept your views as correct for you and your relationship. In some circumstances, they might even work for me, if I were in a different relationship. I tried the exclusivity path in my first marriage, but as it was a sexless marriage, it didn't work well - obviously. However, our current approach is working for us, for me, and has for a long time.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Marriage means different things to different people - and that's fine. For many it means sexual exclusivity, but I don't see why it needs to. The only constraint I see is that being married means that you are subject to the laws in your area that apply to marriage.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Even if my wife gave me a free pass there's no way I would take her up on it. For one, I promised to love her and forsake all others as long as we are married. For another reason, if she did have an affair, I would want her to feel guilty! It sounds a bit hard-ass but I would want her to be sorry every day that she betrayed our vows. It wouldn't necessarily help the situation but her regret at what she did would help diminish the pain I would be going through, even just a little.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Xmadame,
> 
> Things like this (free passes) and the plethora of stories on here and other site, has convinced me that marriage today should be redesigned, in other words overhauled...that like anything else there should be a term limit even for marriage....each party gets married for 10 years, after which everyone walks away 50/50, if any issues were created during that duration of that marraige, they both are responsible for the raising that child or children together, if they want to re-up for another 10 years or 5 years they can do so. but this way you can reduce divorce and cheating, not 100% but i suspect by a lot...


 For me that would be a terrible idea.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> For me that would be a terrible idea.


I'm interested tell me why?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If I suggested to my husband that he had sex with another woman because I was unable to for a while he would think I had gone totally crazy. He wouldn't do it either because that's the sort of man he is, a good moral one. 

I don't see any point in getting married if you aren't going to be faithful or keep the promises made. If a man cant love and respect me enough to be faithful then I ain't interested. I could have no respect at all for a man who thinks its ok to be a swinger or similar while supposedly married. I don' see the point in getting married at all if you are going to act as if you are single.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife offered me a free pass. With her friend.

I thanked her, but declined the offer.

Oddly enough the next day my wife initiated a very passionate sex session and I am glad I had the sense to say no to her offer.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> My wife offered me a free pass. With her friend.


I'm curious. What did she do that she offered you a free pass?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Xenote said:


> I'm interested tell me why?


 Marriage for me isnt just a legal contract but the joining of 2 people in a covenant relationship. If the promises made are going to be limited then why make them? Just live together. 

Marriage is about commitment and faithfulness, about being there for better and for worse. I would rather remain single that have what you suggested.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Marriage for me isnt just a legal contract but the joining of 2 people in a covenant relationship. If the promises made are going to be limited then why make them? Just live together.
> 
> Marriage is about commitment and faithfulness, about being there for better and for worse. I would rather remain single that have what you suggested.


Diana7, I hear what your saying and in a perfect world, marriage would last for ever, and when you first get married you think that it will last forever, but 50% of the time it doesn't and at times it ends with cheating, anger, and even violences....and my solution wouldn't necessarily replace all of that, but it would allow both parties to rethink if they are still in love in year 10, let's face it Diana, your not the same girl you were when you first got married, you changed both physically and mentally, and i am not suggesting you don't love your husband even now, but i am suggesting is that given the cost of divorce, the emotional and psychology upheavals that can a occur in marriages that this is an opportunity for couples to decide if after 10 years they continue to love one another or they are free to move on.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Xenote said:


> Diana7, I hear what your saying and in a perfect world, marriage would last for ever, and when you first get married you think that it will last forever, but 50% of the time it doesn't and at times it ends with cheating, anger, and even violences....and my solution wouldn't necessarily replace all of that, but it would allow both parties to rethink if they are still in love in year 10, let's face it Diana, your not the same girl you were when you first got married, you changed both physically and mentally, and i am not suggesting you don't love your husband even now, but i am suggesting is that given the cost of divorce, the emotional and psychology upheavals that can a occur in marriages that this is an opportunity for couples to decide if after 10 years they continue to love one another or they are free to move on.


My parents have been married 52 years now. They have a saying that they tell each other from time to time: "I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow."

I hope my wife and I are that lucky.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> My parents have been married 52 years now. They have a saying that they tell each other from time to time: "I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow."
> 
> I hope my wife and I are that lucky.


I love reading posts like this. It doesn't mean that they had a perfect marriage, or that everything was always sunshine and rainbows. I'm sure they had rough patches, like every marriage does, but they went through it together, and now they are stronger for it.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

xMadame said:


> So I read an article not long ago and long story short, a woman paid a friend to do her hubby while she was pregnant because she could not have sex due to pregnancy complications. The hubby had no clue.
> 
> I also know of someone that was recently approached by a woman that wanted her to sleep with her husband. Reason being was that she cheated on him and felt that she owed him so that they could repair their marriage. She was going to give him a free pass for a sexual affair to get things out of his system and wanted to know nothing about what they did.
> 
> ...


So, in both instances you relayed, there was cheating involved? I would politely pass on that, thanks. 

If my wife cheated on me, I don't know what I would do. It's as simple as that. Would I stay or go? Would I have a hall pass or revenge affair? Who knows? We all talk a good game until it happens to us, then it all falls to pieces. 

What I do know is that I don't want my wife having sex with anyone but me. End of story. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Diana7, I hear what your saying and in a perfect world, marriage would last for ever, and when you first get married you think that it will last forever, but 50% of the time it doesn't and at times it ends with cheating, anger, and even violences....and my solution wouldn't necessarily replace all of that, but it would allow both parties to rethink if they are still in love in year 10, let's face it Diana, your not the same girl you were when you first got married, you changed both physically and mentally, and i am not suggesting you don't love your husband even now, but i am suggesting is that given the cost of divorce, the emotional and psychology upheavals that can a occur in marriages that this is an opportunity for couples to decide if after 10 years they continue to love one another or they are free to move on.


We have both been through a divorce after long first marriage, but I still disagree with you. Why bother to marry if its only for 10 years. Just live together.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> We have both been through a divorce after long first marriage, but I still disagree with you. Why bother to marry if its only for 10 years. Just live together.


I agree. If there's no life-long intention, then why get married? That's the POINT of marriage. Otherwise, just live together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> I'm curious. What did she do that she offered you a free pass?


Her almost total lack of interest in sex due to a variety of health issues.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The older I get the more convinced I am that the human race needs a purge.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The older I get the more convinced I am that the human race needs a purge.


It used to happen pretty regularly with plagues and such, and wars were pretty good at wiping out large swathes of people when the overall population was smaller and every able-bodied man was needed to fight. But we've pretty pretty much erradicated mass plague-like diseases, new technology in warfare has eliminated hand-to-hand combat in wars, and advances in medicine have greatly reduced the number of casualties in war. (I recall hearing that prior to medical advances later in the US Civil War, more people dies from infections from injuries than actually died on the battlefield. That all changed with improvements in medical sanitation and the invention of the gatling gun, of course.)

Blame science


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> It used to happen pretty regularly with plagues and such, and wars were pretty good at wiping out large swathes of people when the overall population was smaller and every able-bodied man was needed to fight. But we've pretty pretty much erradicated mass plague-like diseases, new technology in warfare has eliminated hand-to-hand combat in wars, and advances in medicine have greatly reduced the number of casualties in war. (I recall hearing that prior to medical advances later in the US Civil War, more people dies from infections from injuries than actually died on the battlefield. That all changed with improvements in medical sanitation and the invention of the gatling gun, of course.)
> 
> Blame science


Only problem is none of those things only killed off stupid people.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Pregnant wife is questionable. I really don't see why she would do that unless it had been part of their life style. 

The wife that cheated. I can see this happening. For starters she cheated on him. She probably doesn't think much of him but doesn't want a divorce. So she finds someone to come on to him to help fix his ego. She doesn't want to know details but ok with it because of what she did. Also gives her the ability to say you cheated as well. 

Any truth in the above don't know. But looking at the threads here. I will not say they couldn't happen.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Pregnant wife is questionable. I really don't see why she would do that unless it had been part of their life style.
> 
> The wife that cheated. I can see this happening. For starters she cheated on him. She probably doesn't think much of him but doesn't want a divorce. So she finds someone to come on to him to help fix his ego. She doesn't want to know details but ok with it because of what she did. Also gives her the ability to say you cheated as well.
> 
> Any truth in the above don't know. But looking at the threads here. I will not say they couldn't happen.




If i remember the article correctly the pregnant wife was because he had a wandering eye and she thought it better that she control it by the OW being someone she chose.

I agree that both scenarios there is cheating.

I do have the high respect for the couples that swing and swap though, it takes a lot of work and commitment to be able to hold together a LTR with that sexual lifestyle.
Almost every couple that I know that did a threesome of something ended up breaking up because of it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

xMadame said:


> If i remember the article correctly the pregnant wife was because he had a wandering eye and she thought it better that she control it by the OW being someone she chose.
> 
> I agree that both scenarios there is cheating.
> 
> ...



Or very little commitment and they could care less who the other sleeps with. Not saying they don't love one another but no commitment.

Anyway all the stories I have read normally start out "my ex and I".


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> I actually think this is more common in marriages than one would think. Some women are so frustrated with their husband's needs/wants that they begin to feel used. These women feel that their husband's sexual desire is arbitrary and so overwhelming that they are willing to let the husband use a prostitute just so the wife can have a break.
> 
> A poster on TAM outlined this scenario and actually had her husband go through with it with an OW that was a friend of his (not a prostitute). She then became FURIOUS that it was not just sex but that the husband enjoyed the emotional aspects of the affair more. She shut that shît down and forced her husband to have no further contact with the OW. Most of the posters on TAM sympathized with the OW and felt that the OP "used" her to take out her sexual aggressions on someone outside her marriage instead of solving those problems with her own husband.
> 
> Badsanta


Well that's the common misconception about men, isn't it? That all we want is sex, whereas women want the emotional connection.

I think it's been stated over and over again here on TAM that men who are in marriages that don't include a lot of sex want that emotional connection with their wives - not just the orgasm. And over the last few years, I've seen many women starting to state the exact same thing - why won't my husband have sex with me?

We all want sex - with our partners. If they can't/won't, then suggesting a stand-in is an idiotic idea, IMO. It's FAR different than an open relationship, wherein both partners have the same, or similar, drives, and can separate the physical from the emotional.

My wife, back in the day, clearly separated sex from emotion/intimacy. Over the past several years, she's most definitely changed that POV, and we're having more sex. Imagine that. But when they were two completely separate things, her over all lack of (physical) sexual drive hampered our sexual relationship. Now that she's 'seen the light', as it were, we have a much more robust and active sex life. Because for her, it's no longer simply about getting off.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

NoChoice said:


> You did not take a vow of sexual exclusivity so what exclusivity did you vow to uphold? If nothing then that begs the question why marry? Was it love? I offer that most people, not all, find the act of sexual intimacy to be the highest expression of love between two people as it shows an openness and vulnerability that nothing else can. I also feel it is something to be guarded and cherished, a unique offering to be protected at all costs, not something akin to choosing a partner in a couples tennis match.


And this is why I'm not in the lifestyle or have any interest to do so. It's also why I got married (twice...). If I wanted to have sex with many different people, I would not have married one of them. If my wife suggested we take a stab at the lifestyle (she wouldn't) I'd be outta here.

That sounds harsh. I neither agree nor disagree with the lifestyle, despite what I say. I disagree with it for MY life. I just simply don't understand the point behind it. I mean, I GET that having sex with many different people is pretty awesome, if you like sex (and really, most of us do). I also get that having sex with the same person, and only that person, over the remaining years of your life can become, I guess, boring. I also get that there's more to relationships than sex.

But, as said above, sex is the single most exclusive and symbolic thing one can do with the person you love. You can't possibly get any closer to someone. It's the attitude that 'sex is just sex' that I think most people have a hard time grasping. And even if you state that as something you believe, when you get right down to it - you don't. My wife was in that camp until a few years ago. But she certainly would not have allowed me to have sex outside our relationship, nor would she have stayed with me if I had sex with someone else. Therefore, even to those who state that 'sex is just sex' - it isn't. It's still something you exclusively do with your partner.

Sure, when one is single and free, sex is, or can be, 'just sex'. I think we've all been there, done that. There are terms for it - 'getting lucky', 'getting laid' etc.

This will be contentious, but - I don't believe people in the lifestyle love their partners in a 'normal' way, or at least in the same way the rest of us do. It's not about allowing your partner that freedom, therefore you love and respect them more. And it's not about possessiveness, either. To me, it's about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, in all ways, and only them. If the time comes (and it often does these days) where you no longer want that from your partner, you dissolve the marriage, divorce, whatever. Having sex outside of the marriage insinuates that that's what you put the emphasis on, and everything else takes a lesser role.

It also deflects from whatever may be lacking in that current relationship. As MBH stated, once he and his wife removed themselves from the lifestyle for a period of time, the marriage suffered. Why is that? IMO, likely because they're simply not right for each other. If having sex with other people is a requirement to a successful marriage, then you're probably not married to the right person. So therefore, it's a crutch of sorts, propping up what would otherwise not be a solid marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

xMadame said:


> If i remember the article correctly the pregnant wife was because he had a wandering eye and she thought it better that she control it by the OW being someone she chose.
> 
> I agree that both scenarios there is cheating.
> 
> ...


I have high respect for those who are faithful and keep the promises they made to each other. For those who love their spouse enough not to be intimate with another person. Who value their marriages enough to protect them. 
These things take integrity and effort and strong values.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I have to agree with other posters that by the time a woman gives her husband a free pass, she has already thrown him away emotionally and is in love with someone else.

The pregnant woman might suspect that the baby is not her husbands.

The closest my W came to giving me a free pass was to say, once, that "I wouldn't blame you if you had cheated on me", although my W has difficulty accepting blame and guilt on rare occasions the clouds do part and the sun shines in.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Oddly if my W asked for a free pass I think I would give it to her.

And then completely expose the OM and my W, since by the time they ask for a pass they are already wayward.

Tamat


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