# Can't yet believe I'm here



## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Hi everyone. 

Long time lurker first time poster. I came onto this site without signing in as I wanted some guidance on my marriage. What I received was a reality check and my own Dday. 

So, here I am. I'm 37 yo. Married for 11 years but together for 17. Two kids one with autism. 

My husband ( I suppose I can now call him a WS -shaking my head) was acting appalling to me over the last 8 months. I thought he had chronic depression. 

Turns out he was waging a EA with a close friend of mine and then a ONS with a random stranger 6 months ago

I know right.

Apparently he was racked with guilt. He finally confessed last week, on his way to work. 

I can't really go into details now but will come back tomorrow and fill in the details.

I'm hurt, angry and he is acting like a two year old. 

I just wanted to thank you all for posting your stories as it has made it easier for me to post mine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad to hear you have been getting some helpful info here. 

Keep strong and will 'see you' tomorrow.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Read the newbies link, re-read, re-read.

I know you are hurt.

I just get the feeling that you are facing this in a more mature way than most of us, me included.

Stay strong.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Read the newbies link, re-read, re-read.
> 
> I know you are hurt.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Sorry you are here. It will get worse so prepare yourself. We are here for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, like I always say, sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

And yes, one way or another, most of us here have been where you are. Some of us have been where your husband is, so we can give you insights into his thinking, too.

Does this mean he doesn't love you? No. It doesn't.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You have slightly better odds because he confessed-if it was a real confession, and not forced by a third party.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You will find we are a great group of people who have the misfortune of the circumstances of our unity.

For now, take a deep breath and don't make any final decisions. You need to act with a clear head. You will get a ton of great advice once you have given your background information. We will be happy to help you.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Sorry you are here....really truly sorry.

You have some VERY rough times ahead, you are going to get information from your husband that will seem unbearable, the pain will be beyond anything you have ever experienced. Your not crazy, you have literally been traumatized. Hang on and hang in there, it will get better with time. 

Hopefully your husband will come around and talk to you, give you the information you need and deserve. This isn't your fault even if he says it is, it's not. 

I am 9 months out past Dday, my WW had a 15 month ea\pa and we are doing very well right now. It wasn't and isn't easy but it is possible, very possible to work through this. BUT it takes two, your husband has to participate and help you, this is also assuming it's what you want. You need to take some time, site back alone and think about what YOU want now. 

Take care, let this board help you, it was an immense help for me.
But do get counseling if you can, you have been traumatized and need counseling ASAP.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Thank you for all for your welcome. I appreciate the messages of support.

I cannot yet post what happened in detail as its too raw, plus my wrist is no good so even if I wanted too - I wouldn't be able to.

So in a nutshell my WS is a knight in shining armour. Always needs to help the ladies especially the vulnerable. 

This one was a single mum at school whose husband had a PA and divorced her. She was a friend, our kids (are still) friends and she always lamented her marriage breaking up and the effect on the kids and how much she hated her ex and his lover. **cough cough - irony kill me please! **

They conducted an EA for about 7 to 8 months until she was so guilt she stopped talking to him. 

I messaged her last week and told her among other things I was angry and she is not welcome in our house but her daughter is as she is friends with mine. The children shouldn't suffer the mistakes of their stupid parents. 

On top of this WS had an intimate chance encounter with a random woman at a conference about 6 months ago.

I thought his behaviour was so odd. He was rude, removing himself emotionally from the kids and I. I thought he had a mid life crisis - well he did of sorts.

He confessed last week after me pleading with him to tell me and then threatening to leave. Something in his head clicked and he told me all.

And here I am to pick up the pieces.

I haven't left him or kicked him out. Not yet.

I understand that our marriage was in trouble before this happened and I take my share of the responsibility for our marriage getting into this shape.

He was emotionally unavailable and I wasn't physically intimate with him as having a child with autism is exhausting. No sleep no eating etc. I am a SAHM quitting my career to be a fulltime carer. He has never been good at the supporting stuff so I have shouldered all the responsibility for the house, the kids and pretty much everything, including our finances. We moved house and I did it all. You get the picture.

Anyhoo, yes it wasn't great for either of us and we tried to sort it out but he was unable or unwilling to change (his words) as he didn't see the point. Right on then!

He now understands that the actions he took was - well - wrong. He knows it, admits it and has no ideas how to fix this.

He wants to make it work. But I've decided that he needs to get help getting his head right, stop being a KISA to the women and stop seeking the excitement elsewhere.

He also needs to remember to support me before he supports other people. THE BIGGEST issue. 

Look he doesn't smoke, drink, gamble etc. He works hard and provides a good life for us. 

I told him I may recover from his cheating but I will not be treated as a domestic slave anymore. 

I feel sad. I am tired.

I feel empowered but exhausted.

I am devastated, angry and resentful.

The plan is to get help individually and then see where we are at. I haven't said no to reconciliation but certainly haven't embraced the idea.

He is still at home but separate rooms. 

No one knows. Not a soul. We are very private people and I know if we choose to make a go of it, I would rather people didn't know what had happened to enable us to move forward. Part of me wants to shout it to the rooftops but I won't. It's just not me. 

I need to keep my self respect, upper moral value here. 

I'm sure more information will come up but for now here I am.

thanks for reading.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> Read the newbies link, re-read, re-read.
> 
> I know you are hurt.
> 
> ...


I find it interesting that you say that. I appreciate it.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, like I always say, sorry you are here, but glad you found us.
> 
> And yes, one way or another, most of us here have been where you are. Some of us have been where your husband is, so we can give you insights into his thinking, too.
> 
> Does this mean he doesn't love you? No. It doesn't.


I have taken great interest in everyone's journey's - yours included. Not in a voyeuristic way but a way of how to process and move forward. 

I thank you for taking the time out to read mine.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> You will find we are a great group of people who have the misfortune of the circumstances of our unity.
> 
> For now, take a deep breath and don't make any final decisions. You need to act with a clear head. You will get a ton of great advice once you have given your background information. We will be happy to help you.


I think that is spot on and something I have taken away from lurking on TAM. Just take the time to process and think, and not act yet. It has helped a lot especially when official D-Day hit. 

thank you.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

B1 said:


> Sorry you are here....really truly sorry.
> 
> You have some VERY rough times ahead, you are going to get information from your husband that will seem unbearable, the pain will be beyond anything you have ever experienced. Your not crazy, you have literally been traumatized. Hang on and hang in there, it will get better with time.
> 
> ...


your words give me great comfort. 

thank you.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He most likely is not telling you everything. (see the quote in my signature). 7 or 8 months EA? You sure this wasn't physical? You sure it actually ended?

Get STD tests.....both of you. If he insists nothing happened, remind him that you don't know that for sure, so it is necessary. Affairs never involve condoms if they have gone physical.

Does he show remorse?

Does he answer your questions? 

Has he tried to blame you?

Is he trying to avoid you?.......rug sweeping?

Do you have access to his phone, e-mail, facebook, etc?


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I am truly sorry for your pain. You are about to embark on a long journey. Get your rest and take care of yourself. You will come out the other side a new person. While I deeply regret my wife's affair it has transformed my life is some very positive ways. I wish you well.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

I haven't posted for a long time because I am emotionally exhausted. We had a few weeks of good talks but now it's all shut down again.

He is just emotionally immature. He cannot man up. It's just not in him to do so.

He has been great with the kids and he seems to be talking to people again - as he used to be silent when we went out. 

We've only been intimate once since I found out. I just can't do it - emotionally or physically. 

I can't get images out of my head. It makes me physically ill. 

He also cannot handle stress and becomes very physically reactive when he gets overwhelmed. He shuts down.

He is also a workaholic. 

Tonight I think I am nearly done. I go to IC in two weeks so I won't make any major decisions until I get my head straight. It's not looking promising at this rate. I want to be married to an adult who gives me a reason to stay in the marriage.

I already have two children, one with SN. I have no wish or room for another child. 

I might be too harsh but it's how I'm feeling. Tomorrow I may feel diffferent. Maybe.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Why is it that during the day when I have a million things to do that I think of a heap of questions? Or I have an insight I wish to explore.

Now I have some time to write them down, I've gone blank. 

Total blank. Nothing.

This feels like my high school diary, but without my handwritten doodles.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

I know I'm "talking" to myself here but tonight I really think its over. Tomorrow I will make some arrangements to move out to a rental with the kids. I don't want to live in this house anymore. It's never been happy.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So sorry to hear this. 

You say your husband is acting immaturely. And he cannot handle stress....shuts down. Is there a defensive attitude? Does he get angry at you for bringing it up? Does he do the correct things to help you heal? 

The correct things are paramount in a situation like this. Otherwise there is not a real and true remorse. If he is getting defensive with you, he has probably not given the whole truth. 

Have you told him you are moving out? What is his reaction?


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

I understand the stress and the hurt. You have every right to be very upset. 

Do you come here to just journal or are you really looking for input on how to deal with your situation?

You come here and put out general negative statements about your husband that we can't agree or disagree with. 

What has he done lately that has upset you? Is he back in contact with the OW? He is unremorseful? Or is he just in pain like you?

What were the circumstance in your marriage before the EA and ONS?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

They never tell all the first time around. I know you won't like this, but you need to dig deeper. 

His treating you poorly means he was emotionally detaching, not feeling guilty. I suspect you are being trickle truthed.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Vanilla Tree said:


> Why is it that during the day when I have a million things to do that I think of a heap of questions? Or I have an insight I wish to explore.
> 
> Now I have some time to write them down, I've gone blank.
> 
> ...


It's a shocking experience. The tension from it keeps you from thinking clearly. When you are focused on other things it releases your mind to work out the problem.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Remains said:


> So sorry to hear this.
> 
> You say your husband is acting immaturely. And he cannot handle stress....shuts down. Is there a defensive attitude? Does he get angry at you for bringing it up? Does he do the correct things to help you heal?
> 
> ...



I decided not to move out - if I decide its over he will have to move out. Cooler head has prevailed and we are living in the same house - but not together if that makes sense.

Your observations are correct but I am trying to get the sense of whether he is hiding something or just being immature in the sense he has no idea what to do. I actually think its the later. It's not helpful.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I feel for you, Vanilla. At least you seem to be more level-headed than me. FYI - I am also a BW. I first discovered my husband was having an affair back in Aug 2012 (for 9 months at that point). I didn't kick him out or tell anyone about it. He promised he would end it, still loved me, etc, and then 2 1/2 months later I discovered he had never ended the affair - only took it underground. At that point, I kicked him out, filed for divorce, we were separated for a while, and then he talked me into taking him back. Things are not going well.
> 
> I'm like you in that I also get a lot out of reading the stories of others here on TAM. It's so nice to read about success stories like B1 and his wife EI. I'm happy for them. But it makes me open my eyes to my own situation and see that as long as my WH never shows remorse or takes responsibility for having what ended up being a year-long affair (and I'm not even completely sure it has ended even now), then my own marriage isn't going to recover.
> 
> ...


Oh Lanie. Your hurt just spurts. I'm so sorry.

Yes he will move out, I've decided its too hard for me and the kids to do so. If we decide to D I will eventually sell the house. It's a long way off yet. I'm just not sure what do feel or do.

He doesn't have the insight nor the selflessness to understand what I need. I call him Homer because even when I talk to him I think he is thinking of donuts in his head. Not because he is mean but because he has the emotional maturity of a child. I'm not scared to leave I just need to make sure it's what I want.

But still only his mother knows (and she is angry with him ) but I feel he is getting of lightly. The conflicting this is I don't want people to know because if we reconcile I don't want it out there...

Love and light to you Lanie. I hope you find some peace.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

JustAnotherMan said:


> I understand the stress and the hurt. You have every right to be very upset.
> 
> Do you come here to just journal or are you really looking for input on how to deal with your situation?
> 
> ...



Our marriage wasn't great and I take my part of that. We have a special needs child which I bear the bulk of caring. Instead of being a support he turned to work. Of course we shut down. He openly told me he didn't have time to help me with my needs but yet without me knowing he was a KISA for other women.

The way I see it, we suffered emotionally and physically for which we are both at fault. So we ended up were we were but then instead of coming to me to deal with it he got his kicks elsewhere.

That hurts.

Also, he treated me like absolute rubbish for 8 months last year and that's not easily forgivable.

So, last week I decided to stop talking to me. To test him. To see if he would fight for me. What did he do? Retreated to his own world again. Didn't try to see what he could do to make it better.

He later told me he was trying to give me space but I think it's because he genuinely doesn't have the ability to deal with it, and hopes it will just go away. He has told me as much.

I'm angry and tired and sick of dealing with his guilt. I know he is in pain but he has a lot of work to do to make it better. I shouldn't be the one to deal with his burden.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Ovid said:


> They never tell all the first time around. I know you won't like this, but you need to dig deeper.
> 
> His treating you poorly means he was emotionally detaching, not feeling guilty. I suspect you are being trickle truthed.


I think so too. The difficulty is that he really does have the worst memory of anyone I have ever met. He is easily distracted so he doesn't retain information.

It's so frustrating.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

Vanilla Tree said:


> Our marriage wasn't great and I take my part of that. We have a special needs child which I bear the bulk of caring. Instead of being a support he turned to work. Of course we shut down. He openly told me he didn't have time to help me with my needs but yet without me knowing he was a KISA for other women.
> 
> The way I see it, we suffered emotionally and physically for which we are both at fault. So we ended up were we were but then instead of coming to me to deal with it he got his kicks elsewhere.
> 
> ...


This is my husband. I don't think he has ever had emotional maturity and it is coming through in the way he is handling the situation. 

Someone on here wrote a very beautiful thing in another thread. The WS has to add a new layer to who they are - someone who has learned from their mistake and is willing to love and respect unconditionally. They must not simply erase the part of them that is a cheater, but must be able to add that new layer.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

If he confessed immediately after the ONS, I would say it was guilt motivating him. Six months later, he must have feared someone else was about to tell you.

In this case, I would guess he's sorry he was about to be caught, not sorry he did it.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Vanilla Tree said:


> I think so too. The difficulty is that he really does have the worst memory of anyone I have ever met. He is easily distracted so he doesn't retain information.
> 
> It's so frustrating.


This could be medical, but most likely, it's narcissism. I mean, his needs come first, right?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Vanilla,

I'm sorry your here and the pain you feel. My exW was a WW. i couldn't move past it, our marriage was a sham even before finding out about the affair. We talked divorce (before knowing about the affair). So my experience is different than a lot of people on here.

BUT, I'm chiming in for you to maybe help shed light on one issue, unfortunately it's not good. Your husband being a KISA isn't for the normal reason. My wife calls me that as well. Such as when we passed a car that was stalled about to go into a busy intersection and there was a young mother driving with her under 1 year old baby in the back. I pulled over. Stopped traffic and pushed her to safety. I didn't get her name or anything, I did it because I'm very protective of the "weak" or "vulnerable" (children and women...even though I'm also aware that most women aren't as vulnerable as most men think, but stilll that's a different conversation LOL)

Your husband does the KISA bit because it feeds his need for attention. It's no different than a woman who dresses provocatively FOR THE PURPOSE of getting hit on because she loves the attention. It's bad for a marriage when one constantly needs attention from others of the opposite sex and your husband is that kind of guy. I would seriously question if he's man enough to control that.

The biggest problem I see with him is how he's not recognizing how HIS OWN WIFE is struggling with life and how he COULD "save" her. How he could do more around the house and make your life easier. That's how he SHOULD be a KISA. But he's not a true one.

His issue is deeply rooted and might be hard to fix.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your dynamic with your H isn't unusual in families with special needs children. One spouse becomes hypercompetent and is exhausted doing all the work at home and with the child to get through the day, and the other feels neglected and patronized and detaches.

You say that he acts like a child, but I would bet that he has very (passive-aggressive) reactions to that analysis. I sense that he is looking to other women to feel that he can be treated like a man, but at the same time doesn't understand that he has to act like a man in order to be really be one, i.e., it isn't just a matter of his chromosomes. So, he blames you for his inability to step up and assert himself in his own family. And your punishment is that he will shine a light on your transgressions by becoming intimate with other women. You punish him by thinking of him as one of the children & he punishes you by showing you in the most blatant way possible that he is, in fact, definitely no longer a child.

Don't get me wrong - no excuses for cheating. And I'm in the camp here who thinks that there is a lot of trickle truth going on with him. EA with friend? I would bet on PA.

Your whole dynamic needs serious work, though. The stress of the SN child changes a family dramatically. I hope that you have a therapist who specializes in this reality. It could help not just with the infidelity aspect, but with how you manage your responsibilities.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> If he confessed immediately after the ONS, I would say it was guilt motivating him. Six months later, he must have feared someone else was about to tell you.
> 
> In this case, I would guess he's sorry he was about to be caught, not sorry he did it.


That's my thoughts but he assures me otherwise. I don't believe it. The EA only ended because the OW called it off. He admits that he wouldn't have called it off and it could have continued. 

I have asked him what I am supposed to do with that information - how do I move forward with that. He had no answer.

Neither do I


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Vanilla,
> 
> I'm sorry your here and the pain you feel. My exW was a WW. i couldn't move past it, our marriage was a sham even before finding out about the affair. We talked divorce (before knowing about the affair). So my experience is different than a lot of people on here.
> 
> ...


You are so spot on I nearly cried. Thank you.

He is definitely a grass is greener type of person. My deal is that I'm not sure I want to move forward with that type of attitude.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Your dynamic with your H isn't unusual in families with special needs children. One spouse becomes hypercompetent and is exhausted doing all the work at home and with the child to get through the day, and the other feels neglected and patronized and detaches.
> 
> You say that he acts like a child, but I would bet that he has very (passive-aggressive) reactions to that analysis. I sense that he is looking to other women to feel that he can be treated like a man, but at the same time doesn't understand that he has to act like a man in order to be really be one, i.e., it isn't just a matter of his chromosomes. So, he blames you for his inability to step up and assert himself in his own family. And your punishment is that he will shine a light on your transgressions by becoming intimate with other women. You punish him by thinking of him as one of the children & he punishes you by showing you in the most blatant way possible that he is, in fact, definitely no longer a child.
> 
> ...


Seriously on the money. Absolutely. It's a catch 22 isn't it. We have discussed that we keep going round and round. Who will be adult enough to make the first change?

A few months ago, I made the decision to change. He rejected it. Later tells me it's because his mind was so warped he couldn't process anything. He keeps telling me things won't change.

Really? Then why bother.

My feelings are now that he has to make the move to make changes. He has been great with the kids, and around the house (well a little better - he empties the dishwasher. He seems to think that fixes everything )

But you re totally correct in saying that there needs to be major changes. I'm off to IC to get my head together.

We then might try MC. Time will tell.


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## Vanilla Tree (Mar 10, 2013)

Thank you all for taking the time to articulate my thoughts. I so appreciate you taking the time.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Some detective work might be a good idea. Velcro a voice activated recorder under the seat of his car. NPD jumped out at me reading your post.

He only confessed under pressure. Btw, what are his good qualities? Your post doesn't mention much in that regard.

You said he didn't see the point of changing in order to improve your marriage, and while acknowledging his cheating was wrong has no idea how to fix it? Wow. He's a real prize.


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