# Child aleinating you??



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

My daughter was brain-washed by her mother when the mother left. She be-freinded her and told her about our fights. The irony is that my daughter and I were super tight,,, more so than with her mother. After 2.5 years, my daughter wants to see me. We set a date but that morning, I got into a disagrerement with the mother and so my daughter said no. She is in therapy and the therapist told her that she should not be involved in our issues but Im getting to the point of telling her to stay out of my life bc of the pain. 
Has this happened to anyone else?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

How old is your daughter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Turns 17 this month. They left when she was 14.5 years old. 
Part of me wants to tell her to just forget about me bc its too painful


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In order to get what you want, you will need to avoid disagreements with the mother. This is different than giving in and ceding your beliefs and values, it just means avoiding fighting with the mother. Seems like the mother is maybe provoking you in order to have stories to tell your daughter. Why feed into it if it results in your daughter feeling like she can't see you without also upsetting her mother? You'd probably only have to hold your tongue for a few years...payoff is a lifetime. It's not about being right, it's about being happier and improving the overall situation, regardless of to what degree.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You might want to check out PAS.org for more information. Don't give up. You'll regret missing out on your daughter's life. It's great that she is at an age where she can have some objectivity and see there are two sides.

I suggest you purchase Divorce Poison by Richard Warshack and read it. There are many tips for defeating alienation. But Homemaker is right - DO NOT ENGAGE. Your ex gets something she wants when she is able to push your buttons and elicit the response she gets. Whether it's affirmation you are the monster she thought or just satisfaction that she still has an effect on you, it satisfies some warped need in her. Deny her that. If you focus on that aspect, it might be easier. 

Refuse to answer anything besides things that are related to the business of being divorced or co-parents. Anything else, say "that's not what we needed to speak about - if we're done I'm hanging up". The first few times she'll probably go off - just say "OK, then, I guess we're done for now. I'm hanging up." and do so.

It doesn't take too many times before she realizes she can't anger you and SHE will be the one seething on the other end of the line. 

Remember, you don't have to bash your wife but you can be carefully honest. You don't have to paint her as a wonderful wife/mother to take the high road. You CAN admit there were problems but stick to the FACTS. Omit emotion.

Really, get the book. It will completely help you keep your daughter out of the middle, handle the ex and learn the skills to reestablish your relationship with your daughter. It was invaluable to me. 

I went through this. If you want to know, check my sig line. I'm trying to help parents who are being alienated if I'm able. It's torturous, I know. But if you don't fight it, you will not be in her life and you will miss a lot of wonderful times.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I miss her soo much, then I get angry bc I didn't diserve this. My parents where horrible to me, so when I became a dad, I always said tha it was the one thing I wouldn't screw up. I worked night shifts and did everythong I could to make sure I was there for her. If I did 12 hr shift and came home and she wanted to play,,, no matter how tired I was,, I always did. We where best friends more than anythong. I loved her time, company and being a dad. When they left, my world was crushed. I would come home from work to an empty house and just fall to my knees and cry. I would cry so horribly, so violently, that I would sometimes throw-up. 
I wouldn't wish this part of life on anyone


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

rep said:


> I miss her soo much, then I get angry bc I didn't diserve this. My parents where horrible to me, so when I became a dad, I always said tha it was the one thing I wouldn't screw up. I worked night shifts and did everythong I could to make sure I was there for her. If I did 12 hr shift and came home and she wanted to play,,, no matter how tired I was,, I always did. We where best friends more than anythong. I loved her time, company and being a dad. When they left, my world was crushed. I would come home from work to an empty house and just fall to my knees and cry. I would cry so horribly, so violently, that I would sometimes throw-up.
> I wouldn't wish this part of life on anyone


In order to move on to something better than what you have now, you will need to focus on the present. Even if it is painful. You have the capacity and the natural tendency to be a good, honest, loving and capable father and husband. And you were. Don't let someone else spoil your positive memories of the past by their explosion of "bad stuff" in your life. Dig in your heels, assess the present situation, and do only those things that have a good chance of making it better. It will never be what it was. But it could potentially evolve into something better than that. i.e. a relationship with your child that excludes the mother. Stay in the present, deal with the pain, and focus on what you can do to change the future. It is the only thing you can do. Returning to past pain is only useful for gaining resolve. Don't go there more than you need to. Lots of bad stuff happens to people. It wasn't our expectation as kids, or even adults. I think when we hear fairy tales as children, we only focus on the outcome, and miss the underlying message: "Listen up kid, bad sh*t's gonna happen. Be ready for it."


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

rep said:


> I miss her soo much, then I get angry bc I didn't diserve this. My parents where horrible to me, so when I became a dad, I always said tha it was the one thing I wouldn't screw up. I worked night shifts and did everythong I could to make sure I was there for her. If I did 12 hr shift and came home and she wanted to play,,, no matter how tired I was,, I always did. We where best friends more than anythong. I loved her time, company and being a dad. When they left, my world was crushed. I would come home from work to an empty house and just fall to my knees and cry. I would cry so horribly, so violently, that I would sometimes throw-up.
> I wouldn't wish this part of life on anyone


Crap happens to people who don't deserve it all the time. Let it go. What you CAN do is not engage the wife when she tries to draw you into an argument and DO spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Don't let your resentment for the hours she is NOT with you bleed over to your time WITH her.

Continue to build your relationship with your daughter on the firm foundation you've made. Soon she would be gone off to school anyway, assuming she wants to go to college and/or she might want to come live with you when she's 18 if she goes to school locally.


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