# Seriously no chance of rekindling!?



## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I came here to the forums over what I thought was a small issue, trying to decide on holidays with my family.

Instead, other forum members pointed out the same things my family had been trying to tell me about my marriage. 
I am in a very bad situation I have been living with my dad and stepmom since the 23rd of December. 

The husband will stop in and see me and the kids after work and we go out once or twice a week for dinner or errands and have been attending therapy.

I thought things were going good until my phone went off while we were out... 

It was an old friend that I had been acquainted with in my past, I had been friends with him via gaming/online since back in 2009.

Nothing romantic has ever occurred between me and the friend, I was forced to stop talking to or communicating with any one of the opposite sex when husband and I become engaged. He said that women can't have male friends and men cant have women friends. 

i never got to say goodbye to this friend, my husband took it upon himself to access my Skype account and tell my friend what for... cussing him threatening him, etc.. 

anyways this friend had not reached out to me until this particular day together with my husband... He told me that our other friend was in trouble, he had not heard from him in days which was really unusual and wanted to know had I reached out to him in these last 2 years. I told him no and he then asked if I could make contact with a family member to find out what was going on with him and if he was safe. 

I of course obliged and reached out to the friends' mother, she reported that her son was okay just having a hard time with the loss of his father... I relayed the message.

for this, my husband took possession of my phone and I haven't had it in 3 days. 

he called me this afternoon to tell me he was stopping by after work tonight and we would go out and talk about this 

i was called a fat piece of sh**, a B**** and a Who** for this short and brief conversation with the former friend. 

He said he had my phone and has gone through it and knows I am a wh*** I asked him how and he said he doesn't know yet but he will find out

I told him to not bother coming to get me and he was not welcome here... 



Married members...

Is it really that bad for a husband and wife to have ties to members of the opposite sex like that? 

I mean I personally grew up with all boys. I never bonded with another female on a friendship level until my brothers' wife... I've always been all about my games, books and consumed myself in my work. 

is it true that all husbands/men have a right to be this upset over something like this?

i don't get it... not all of us women want to hop in bed with every man we see or have a conversation with!???


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your husband is abusive and controlling. Do not see him for any reason if possible, and if you must, be sure someone else is present. File for divorce immediately and get this sick person out of your life ASAP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People have different opinions about opposite sex friends when married or in a relationship.

Some people think this should never happen. Others are ok with it.

I'm one who is ok with it. There need to be some careful limits on the friendships, but it is completely possible to have such relationships and never cross the line.

It is something that each couple should come to an agree over BEFORE they get married. 

That said, your husband's behavior towards you about this latest contact you had with your male friend is way over the top. It's serious abuse. If I were you, I would just go get another cell phone in your own name. See if you can move the phone number to your new phone. 

If you are willing to, another thing you could do is to call the police and tell them that your husband that you are separated from has stolen your cell phone and see if they will get it back for you. You might also be able to press charges against him for stealing the phone. 

Your husband is abusive. You now know that he is not serious about changing and stopping his abuse. 

You really need to end all contact with him and file for divorce.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I don’t know your backstory but, yes, it would be inappropriate to have relationships with people of the opposite sex that you are hiding. So, If you didn’t tell your H about this “friend” back in 2009, if I were your H I’d be upset also. 

By the way, I am divorcing my wife over a male friend that she was inappropriate with and they never met in person. These “friendships” do destroy marriages.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I came here to the forums over what I thought was a small issue, trying to decide on holidays with my family.
> 
> Instead, other forum members pointed out the same things my family had been trying to tell me about my marriage.
> I am in a very bad situation I have been living with my dad and stepmom since the 23rd of December.
> ...


I think the questions of friends or not is moot at this point. Speaking as a man your husband is at the very least verbally abusive. Assuming you have not cheated on him on the past then he sounds paranoid and very insecure. Just not a great choice. The level of drama surrounding him makes the relationship seem unsustainable.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I only tell my husband about male friends as they pop up in my life which is very rare. otherwise, I might be talking about a lot of people he will never meet.

What I think is reasonable is to tell your husband who this person is and why they are calling you.

I found my way to this board due to my current husband having an inappropriate "friendship" while we were dating. And now, we've been married about 6 years.

I think opposite sex friendships become trouble when

1. your partner spends a lot of time communicating with this friend by any means ie phone, messaging,....
2. your partner prioritizes the needs of your friend over you.....

and so on......

this does not sound like your situation and his reaction seems very scary for a continuing relationship.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

sokillme said:


> talesofthe-twofoldmother said:
> 
> 
> > I came here to the forums over what I thought was a small issue, trying to decide on holidays with my family.
> ...


I agree but that wasn’t the question she was asking. Yes, I do think your husband’s handling of this was inappropriate.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree but that wasn’t the question she was asking. Yes, I do think your husband’s handling of this was inappropriate.


I think given the circumstances the question seems irrelevant. It's like asking what color car you should get when the whole time it has no engine.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

He's a jealous, insecure, possessive and controlling prick. It'd be best to get away from this guy. Actions can and will always speak louder than words and he's just dangerous.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I came here to the forums over what I thought was a small issue, trying to decide on holidays with my family.
> 
> Instead, other forum members pointed out the same things my family had been trying to tell me about my marriage.
> I am in a very bad situation I have been living with my dad and stepmom since the 23rd of December.
> ...


I would be far more concerned about the appalling way he spoke to you. There is no way that I would put up with that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your hb is abusive.....name calling and stealing your phone like this is ridiculous. You've an adult....taking your phone like a teenager is insulting and suggests terrible parent child marriage dynamics.

However.....I'm a little concerned with your comments that you grew up with boys and never bonded with another woman until your SIL. That suggests poor boundaries...women who claim they don't bond with other women often want attention from men without the competition of other women and thus have poor boundaries.

Your hb is handling this like a nasty prick though. You guys either need serious counseling or you need to split up.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I do have a slightly different point.
Then I read your other thread.
Your husband is a jerk, controlling and most likely abusive.

Leave him. 

To answer your question, just on its merits, men and women can be friends and have ties IMO. Yet, not all men and women should have ties or be friends.

If it was me and a normal marriage, I wouldn’t react positively to a guy somehow contacting you, a decade later, after we agreed to no contact.

The name calling, shaming and yelling is wrong no matter what.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

My wife and I have opposite sex friends, but we spend 95% of our time outside of work with each other, and we are honest about our relationships. I would not, and have never, taken my wife’s phone away for days because she communicated with a friend. I also don’t call her a fat pig, b****, whatever because I actually respect her. You should expect no less from a life partner, OP. If he can’t be respectful, it’s time to put him aside.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband acted inappropriately — as usual. It’s highly doubtful that he will change. You keep hoping he will and he keeps showing you he won’t. Why do this?


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> However.....I'm a little concerned with your comments that you grew up with boys and never bonded with another woman until your SIL. That suggests poor boundaries...women who claim they don't bond with other women often want attention from men without the competition of other women and thus have poor boundaries.


No I just never bonded with a mother.. I was raised by my father sure I had a grandmother around at times and aunts in and out but it was always me playing and growing up with my brothers and male cousins and in school i was a huge tomboy... when i wasn't gaming or glued to a book i was outside with my cousins and their friends. 

I recall my aunt bringing her daughter sometimes in and out of my life but we always fought like sisters lol so much drama pulling hair mad over who wasn't sharing etc.. 

when i got older and started dating I jumped into a 10 year relationship. 

You could be right that i wanted attention from men but I just don't see that as my count is next to none compared to todays generation..

my sister in law is a blessing to me.. shes like the mother i never had and she is so compassionate towards me.. even on my bad days shes always been there. she is the first female i really trusted..

of course their has been men in my life or boys growing up i was attracted to but it was never an issue for me... 

i was a very troubled child... my mind was wondering so much about my emotions of a broken home to even think or worry about attention from a boy... 

i do recall acting out a lot begging for affection from my mother though.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

In a NORMAL relationship the opposite sex friendship issue depends very much on the people involved.

I’ve been around boys my whole life. Hung out with them growing up. Girl things and priorities never interested me, 
My husband has never tried to stop or sanction me, probably because I wouldn’t tolerate it.
I’ve lunched with old high school buddies ALONE (gasp) and nobody slept with anybody. I work with men and women all day, have some really good friends. I’ve asked my husband if it bothers him. He says that’s he’s secure in himself and if I wanted to cheat, that was on me and he couldn’t stop it. But we would be over. Understandably.

Now. You are NOT in a normal relationship. You are questioning yourself as all abused partners do. You are wondering if you did something to deserve this treatment. You didnt. 

Let me ask you. If a perfect stranger came up to you, took your phone, called you a B and a W, would you tolerate it?
If they did that to your child, would you tolerate it?
No. 
Because it’s not normal.
You STBXH is an abuser. 
You need to stay away.
Get counselling to help reset your mindset.
Thank GOODNESS you have a loving, supportive family.
Report your phone stolen. It was.
Don’t look back. If not for you, then for your children.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am so glad you are away from him, staying with family. Dont go back.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> Married members...
> 
> Is it really that bad for a husband and wife to have ties to members of the opposite sex like that?


I've never had this problem but I have good boundaries and my wife has good boundaries.
The week we got engaged she called several of her past dating friends that she was still friendly with and cut ties. One of them asked why and her reply was that she was now engaged and continuing the relationship was inappropriate. I tell you this so you can compare it to how your separated husband handled this. You need to understand the difference between safe self imposed boundaries and rabid delusional abuse. Every single time I go to a private conversation with a woman on these forums, my wife has access to the entire conversation, and I often tell the woman I am talking to up front.



talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I mean I personally grew up with all boys. I never bonded with another female on a friendship level until my brothers' wife... I've always been all about my games, books and consumed myself in my work.
> is it true that all husbands/men have a right to be this upset over something like this?


you insert an interesting qualifier in this question. "this upset". I think that participants in an exclusive relationship have the right to expect good boundaries. I don't think they have the duty to enforce their partners boundaries. In other words your husband has a right to expect you to keep reasonable boundaries in your contact with an old gaming friend. He does not have the duty to inspect your phone and check that you are keeping your boundaries, and AND no sane person would want to. But you said right. Does he have the right to be upset. Yes he has the right to his emotions. Does he have the right to abuse you because he can't control his emotions ? absolutely not, no one has the right to abuse anyone. Any one has the right to leave a relationship where there is abuse, or poor boundary keeping. 

A great deal of the problem here is that your husband defines boundary in a very different way than you do. You think that having other sex friends is ok as long as nothing romantic happens. You agreed to further limited contact. You were willing to excuse a contact for a possible emergency. Your husband wants a no contact at all rule. 

I have good boundaries that have kept an exclusive relationship together for 3 decades, and I think your actions were a textbook example of how to handle it correctly. My wife works full time. she works with men and women. Could your husband handle that? No, I don't think he could because he doesn't TRUST you. Every relationship is a relationship of trust, without trust, his trust in you to enforce your own boundaries, your trust in him to keep you safe from harm especially from himself, without that kind of trust you really don't have a relationship.



talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> i don't get it... not all of us women want to hop in bed with every man we see or have a conversation with!???


The sad answer to this is that most men believe this statement, we believe that most women aren't sexually attracted to the overwhelming majority of the men they meet on a regular basis. We believe that most women can be trusted to be non romantic friends with men. What we don't believe is that men can be friends with women without being interested in making the relationship a sexual one. Of course there are exceptions. on both sides. 

In consideration of the recent conversation you had with your husband, it is our duty to include the *strong* recommendation that you don't meet with him privately. Only in public, only with your own ride, only with trusted people present. You are very likely in physical danger.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> Married members...
> 
> Is it really that bad for a husband and wife to have ties to members of the opposite sex like that?


I am a married member, and here's how @Emerging Buddhist and I deal with friends of the opposite gender: 

100% of my affection, loyalty, and companionship go to HIM and him alone. 
100% of his affection, loyalty, and companionship go to ME and me alone. 

I have some male friends from high school on my Facebook. I see stuff they write in the newsfeed, they see stuff I write in my newsfeed, and other than that, we don't interact. Everything is done "in public" where anyone and everyone can see it and read it. Same for here on TAM. I think I have some male humans here with whom I speak, but none of it is in private and all of it is right here in the posts. To me, the idea is to include my husband on every single thing I do (nothing is hidden) and to turn to him for my fun...not to others. 

Likewise, he has some female friends at work or in his email. He sees what they write or talks to them civilly and other than that they don't interact. Everything is done as if I'm standing there beside him doing it with him. Same here on TAM. I know he has female humans here with whom he speaks, but none of it is done in private and all is right out here in the posts. Again, the idea is that we don't hide things from each other and we turn to each other for our fun. 

Soooo...if he has a female friend who goes too far, and I'm not comfortable with it, he's done of his own accord. If I have a male friend who goes too far and he has the funny feeling about, I'm done of my own accord. My loyalty is TO HIM, and 0% is available to any other person, male or female. 

The reason that it could be "that bad" to have a friend of the opposite gender is because it can so very gradually and insidiously go from a friendship to flirting to seducing. If a line is crossed JUST A LITTLE every day...slowly you'll find yourself a thousand miles over the line you swore you'd never cross. To my mind, the true issue is boundaries (which are NOT "rules for your spouse" but rather limits that you put around yourself). Do you get some emotional support from another person? Encouragment? A little thrill? Maybe you look forward to talking to or hearing from that person? That's crossing a boundary. Do you try to keep it from you spouse, saying "It would just upset them. I'll just keep it to myself so they don't get mad"? Do you exclude them from whatever it is you're doing with the other person. That's crossing a boundary. 

So in very simple terms, I live as if he was reading exactly what I'm writing looking over my shoulder. I let him into EVERYTHING that is mine. I show him--keep it open--and include him as if he was right there with me. If you can't act like that, well...that's the trouble with friends of the opposite gender. It's like playing with fire over and over and then saying, "Well, I didn't know it would BURN!" 



talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> is it true that all husbands/men have a right to be this upset over something like this?


I believe spouses do have the right to be upset over something like this because a promise was made to the spouse, not to the "friend" of the opposite gender. You are giving to the "friend" what is rightfully the spouse's! 

HOWEVER (and it's a big however), this is a huge difference between being upset in a healthy way (which usually starts with something more like "This is not okay with me!") and being abusive and blaming the choice to be abusive on "the friendship." 

See...it would be reasonable for one spouse to sit down with the other spouse and say "_It is not okay with me that you continue to associate with a man who has flirted with you and even declared his interest, and you haven't shut him down! When you continue a friendship I'm uncomfortable with, I think you are closing your eyes to how dangerous this is, I feel sad and hurt that you aren't loyal to me like you promised you would be, and so I'd like to strongly request that you end this friendship and aid our marriage._" 

It is NOT REASONABLE for one spouse to sit down with the other spouse and call names, shift blame, withhold affection, take their property, degrade and insult you, etc. That is verbal abuse! 

So in summary: yes it is reasonable for a spouse to be upset about this, but not it is NOT reasonable for a spouse to abuse because of this.


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## iaschneider5 (Oct 5, 2019)

My wife calls me emotionally abusive and controlling because of how i feel about her hanging out with male friends.. Mainly coworkers since something happened between her and a coworker before we were married and how it has effected me... 

I have never not once told her she couldn't go out with anyone, Told her she couldnt talk to someone. Yes I may have been an ******* about it if she went out with them but I feel a its a tad different and I was trying to work with her on it (unlike her)

No relationship should be like that In my opinion. No one should be told they shouldn't have to talk to someone or be controlled like that... Time to move on i think. He's the problem not you.


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