# New here,pls help!!



## xtremepain (Mar 3, 2012)

Discovery day was Valentines day this year.How ironic is that?!Actually,I caught her cheating many years ago.I dont know if shes considered a serial cheater because we were in an unstable long distance relationship when she was seeing several men.We were on and off with many breaks in between.Then we finally made a serious commitment to our relationship and she moved in with me in 2000.We've had our ups and downs but nothing really serious.We constantly talked about our future plans and I honestly felt that our love and relationship would last forever.Although she would tell me now that all this time,she had thought about leaving me.She also said that maybe she had never really loved me and along with many of the fog talk other people have mentioned here.
It took me many years to get over her promiscuous past and restored the love I have for her.But its like deja vu all over again.The lies,the deceits ,the betrayal all came back on DD 2 on Valentines day.I fell into abyss and depression .I cant even describe what I had gone through for the next several days.I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep and malnutrition.On top of that,my wife felt no remorse and even complained about how weak I was under these circumstances.I think most of the BH here could understand what I'm talking about.
Its been over 2 weeks now.I am getting a little better with prayers to the Lord.He is helping me through all this.I am also grateful with the resources on the web.MB and SI and several other sites have provided me with lots of powerful knowledge and support.Ive been reading about different stories and I realized many of our stories are very similar in many ways.Sometimes,it feels like I am reading about my own story. Its encouraging to see some people having a positive outcome after the affair.But at times,I feel hopeless and helpless because my WW is not willing to end her affair.I wanted to give up but after many prayers,I feel I should still try to salvage my marriage because I still love her.
She met the man through her school reunion in Nov last year.She was always telling me about the gossips and news of her schoolmates but she never really talked about this man.She started exhibiting all the signs such as making dramatic changes in her appearance,losing a lot of weight,spending many hours on FB and she suddenly stopped talking about her schoolmates.The thing that made my radar went off was her FB password was changed.She would no longer leave her FB out in the open.She would be cautious everytime she leaves the computer,her FB would be logged off.I became very suspicious but I didnt want to confront her because I wanted to so believe she is a changed woman,a loyal and faithful wife to her husband.We goto church every week and the thought of cheating has not run in my mind for many years.I thought all the pain we had gone through after the affairs she had years ago would be something we would remember for the rest of our lives.I read from somewhere that "once a cheater,always a cheater"was a myth because most people who cheat would not cheat again because of how devastating the experience was for all parties involved.But the harsh reality was she met him in Nov and started the affair in the last week of Jan.It was EA/PA.They had just about 5 dates and she tells me they are both made for each other .The affair took place in her home country where the man resides.We live in another country.She goes back to visit her family every other month .So this is a long distance affair since they dont live in the same country but she is planning to see him again when she visits her family in April.I dont know if this is to my advantage or not.Although they cant be together physically all the time but you know the saying ....distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder..........I can tell she is totally addicted.She thinks he is the perfect man and my flaws are constantly magnified.Now I know Plan A is brutal and why only 15% succeed.Most have to resort to Plan B.
So I finally confronted her on Valentines day because I couldnt hold it in any longer.She denied at first .Then she caved in and admitted to the affair before I even have to present the evidence. She said she was going to end the affair and I would not find out for the rest of my life.I asked her if she wanted to save our marriage by going to counselling.She said she needed a few days to sort things out.Sounds familiar?Instead of ending the affair,she continues to make contact over the net and phone calls to OM.I feel hopeless and wants to give up this time because she is like another person.She has no remorse whatsoever.!!Its like a whole different person or a split personality .But we are still going to church and she prays at bedtime.I have no idea what is going on sometimes.Its so surreal!!
She initially proposed an open marriage.I rejected.Now she is proposing that we be friends/family.We can live together and be like brother and sister.She said I will eventually lose the remaining love that I have for her and everything would be ok.Is that possible?She is my best friend and the closest person to me in this world.But wouldnt I resent her ?Or would be I able to accept her like family?Is that a viable sensible solution?It does sound appealing....no more pain when I look at her.Its just like looking at your best friend,a roommate.....
I am aware the WW are all in a fog.The fog only impairs their vision.What about their conscience?If my wife had a shred of conscience in her ,she would not be doing and saying the things that are so hurtful to me.She would also show remorse .Has anyone show their WW these forums here?I want to know how WW responds to the things the FWW said.
I know that exposing the affair immediately is important.But I dont want her mom to know because she is very old.I dont know how she would take it.
The OM is married but they live in another country.I am still looking for her fb but what if her fb was not set up to receive private msg?Any other way to contact her?
To make things more complicated,my wife and I are business partners.I am afraid the OM would leave his wife and ask my wife to be with him.He told my wife about his plans to do that but I dont know how much truth is that.Our business is facing some difficulties and our finance is not in place so the financial support need is not being met at the moment.Should I still expose now or wait til our financials improve?
How much should I expose to the OMW?Should I include their dirty prv msgs?One thing I may add is that the affair took place in a country where adultery is crime and is punishable by a jail sentence of up to 1 year.Few goto prison,most of them just get a fine.So I am also concerned about the OMW filing charges against my wife.Perhaps I dont provide her with evidence that I have.But what if she doesnt believe me?
I really want to expose to her schoolmates.They have a school reunion fb.This is where everything started.However,many of her friends are either cheaters themselves or are thinking about cheating.Some even encouraged her to be with the OM!!I dont know any of them nor have I met them.They all reside in the same country as the OM.The only way I could expose is on fb.But by broadcasting hundreds of prv msgs to everyone on the reunion fb,they would think I am some crazy controlling husband.
I am dizzy as I am wrting this.Please ask questions if I have not made things clear.......Its a pain putting this together.I would appreciate for any advice.Thanks.

Married.No Children.
WW and BH:40ish
DD1:1998 DD 2:2012 Valentines Day
EA/PA:2012 Jan-present


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

xtremepain said:


> Discovery day was Valentines day this year.How ironic is that?!Actually,I caught her cheating many years ago.I dont know if shes considered a serial cheater because we were in an unstable long distance relationship when she was seeing several men.We were on and off with many breaks in between.Then we finally made a serious commitment to our relationship and she moved in with me in 2000.We've had our ups and downs but nothing really serious.We constantly talked about our future plans and I honestly felt that our love and relationship would last forever.Although she would tell me now that all this time,she had thought about leaving me.She also said that maybe she had never really loved me and along with many of the fog talk other people have mentioned here.
> It took me many years to get over her promiscuous past and restored the love I have for her.But its like deja vu all over again.The lies,the deceits ,the betrayal all came back on DD 2 on Valentines day.I fell into abyss and depression .I cant even describe what I had gone through for the next several days.I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep and malnutrition.On top of that,my wife felt no remorse and even complained about how weak I was under these circumstances.I think most of the BH here could understand what I'm talking about.
> Its been over 2 weeks now.I am getting a little better with prayers to the Lord.He is helping me through all this.I am also grateful with the resources on the web.MB and SI and several other sites have provided me with lots of powerful knowledge and support.Ive been reading about different stories and I realized many of our stories are very similar in many ways.Sometimes,it feels like I am reading about my own story. Its encouraging to see some people having a positive outcome after the affair.But at times,I feel hopeless and helpless because my WW is not willing to end her affair.I wanted to give up but after many prayers,I feel I should still try to salvage my marriage because I still love her.
> She met the man through her school reunion in Nov last year.She was always telling me about the gossips and news of her schoolmates but she never really talked about this man.She started exhibiting all the signs such as making dramatic changes in her appearance,losing a lot of weight,spending many hours on FB and she suddenly stopped talking about her schoolmates.The thing that made my radar went off was her FB password was changed.She would no longer leave her FB out in the open.She would be cautious everytime she leaves the computer,her FB would be logged off.I became very suspicious but I didnt want to confront her because I wanted to so believe she is a changed woman,a loyal and faithful wife to her husband.We goto church every week and the thought of cheating has not run in my mind for many years.I thought all the pain we had gone through after the affairs she had years ago would be something we would remember for the rest of our lives.I read from somewhere that "once a cheater,always a cheater"was a myth because most people who cheat would not cheat again because of how devastating the experience was for all parties involved.But the harsh reality was she met him in Nov and started the affair in the last week of Jan.It was EA/PA.They had just about 5 dates and she tells me they are both made for each other .The affair took place in her home country where the man resides.We live in another country.She goes back to visit her family every other month .So this is a long distance affair since they dont live in the same country but she is planning to see him again when she visits her family in April.I dont know if this is to my advantage or not.Although they cant be together physically all the time but you know the saying ....distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder..........I can tell she is totally addicted.She thinks he is the perfect man and my flaws are constantly magnified.Now I know Plan A is brutal and why only 15% succeed.Most have to resort to Plan B.
> ...


Divorce!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

No kids? Run! You can do so much better!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Is there anything left other than dust in your relationship? Expose her and Divorce her, there is no need for a second thought.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Leave ,Care not a Damn, Forget...Start a New Life ...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

xtremepain said:


> On top of that,my wife felt no remorse and even complained about how weak I was under these circumstances.I think most of the BH here could understand what I'm talking about.


 Your wife just told you why she has lost all respect for you. She cannot love someone that she does not respect. Man up and move on. Go nuke on her. At first she said that she was sorry but when she saw how weak you acted she stopped being sorry. You should not even be asking us if you should think about it. As for other BH understanding, you are fooling yourself into thinking that the weak way that you have handled this is normal; it is not. 

Ironically when you act worthy of respect and leave her she may come running after you. That should make you feel that much better as you move on and find someone worth of your love.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You wife clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way if the roles had been reversed, would your wife have acted weak the way you did? Get tested for STD's. Good luck.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you stay, you'll be back on here again with another post.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Take a moment to think. First think about your whoring wife, who has no respect for you or cares about you. Someone who doesn't give a rats azz about you and will continue to treat you like crap.

Now think about all the women you can date if this harpy is out of the picture and spreading it around somewhere out of your sight; Eventually finding one that suits your needs, your best friend, that loves only you, respects and supports you.

Now choose whether you want to keep the old jalopy you married, that leaves you stranded, a community project or a new, perhaps younger and hotter model with all the whistles and bell.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorce her. She's a tramp through and through. Why would you even want to R with someone who has so little care or respect for you.

Let her be the cheat OMs problem, especially after you out him to his wife. Hire a PI firm to the care of doing it for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

no where in your post did i read anything about her having a job! are you supporting all her trips home every other month?


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## xtremepain (Mar 3, 2012)

I still have love for her.A part of me tells me I should run ,the other part says I should stay and do the marriagebuilder Plan A,Plan B.......


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Get rid of her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I still have love for her.A part of me tells me I should run ,the other part says I should stay and do the marriagebuilder Plan A,Plan B.......


Too late for this my friend. Your bird has flown away. Get thee to a lawyer.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

xtremepain said:


> I still have love for her.A part of me tells me I should run ,the other part says I should stay and do the marriagebuilder Plan A,Plan B.......


 In all the threads that I have read on this site, I have never seen such a united opinion advising divorce as I have on this thread. Usually the option of staying married is out there as long as the wife shows true remorse etc.. No one but you sees why you would stay with this women.

If she travels home as often as you say, then if she holds a job at all, it is minor. You are the one that supports this women. If you stay married, you will be the one that pays to fly her home to sleep with the OM. The charge card that she uses when she takes him out for dinner, will be paid for by you. At the very least, cut her cards, cut all access to your money, and refuse to pay for her to travel back to her country. Tell her she lost that right when she mixed her family visit with cheating with the OM. Not as good as divorce but better than nothing.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

xtremepain said:


> Discovery day was Valentines day this year.How ironic is that?!Actually,I caught her cheating many years ago.I dont know if shes considered a serial cheater because we were in an unstable long distance relationship when she was seeing several men.We were on and off with many breaks in between.Then we finally made a serious commitment to our relationship and she moved in with me in 2000.We've had our ups and downs but nothing really serious.We constantly talked about our future plans and I honestly felt that our love and relationship would last forever.Although she would tell me now that all this time,she had thought about leaving me.She also said that maybe she had never really loved me and along with many of the fog talk other people have mentioned here.
> It took me many years to get over her promiscuous past and restored the love I have for her.But its like deja vu all over again.The lies,the deceits ,the betrayal all came back on DD 2 on Valentines day.I fell into abyss and depression .I cant even describe what I had gone through for the next several days.I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep and malnutrition.On top of that,my wife felt no remorse and even complained about how weak I was under these circumstances.I think most of the BH here could understand what I'm talking about.
> Its been over 2 weeks now.I am getting a little better with prayers to the Lord.He is helping me through all this.I am also grateful with the resources on the web.MB and SI and several other sites have provided me with lots of powerful knowledge and support.Ive been reading about different stories and I realized many of our stories are very similar in many ways.Sometimes,it feels like I am reading about my own story. Its encouraging to see some people having a positive outcome after the affair.But at times,I feel hopeless and helpless because my WW is not willing to end her affair.I wanted to give up but after many prayers,I feel I should still try to salvage my marriage because I still love her.
> She met the man through her school reunion in Nov last year.She was always telling me about the gossips and news of her schoolmates but she never really talked about this man.She started exhibiting all the signs such as making dramatic changes in her appearance,losing a lot of weight,spending many hours on FB and she suddenly stopped talking about her schoolmates.The thing that made my radar went off was her FB password was changed.She would no longer leave her FB out in the open.She would be cautious everytime she leaves the computer,her FB would be logged off.I became very suspicious but I didnt want to confront her because I wanted to so believe she is a changed woman,a loyal and faithful wife to her husband.We goto church every week and the thought of cheating has not run in my mind for many years.I thought all the pain we had gone through after the affairs she had years ago would be something we would remember for the rest of our lives.I read from somewhere that "once a cheater,always a cheater"was a myth because most people who cheat would not cheat again because of how devastating the experience was for all parties involved.But the harsh reality was she met him in Nov and started the affair in the last week of Jan.It was EA/PA.They had just about 5 dates and she tells me they are both made for each other .The affair took place in her home country where the man resides.We live in another country.She goes back to visit her family every other month .So this is a long distance affair since they dont live in the same country but she is planning to see him again when she visits her family in April.I dont know if this is to my advantage or not.Although they cant be together physically all the time but you know the saying ....distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder..........I can tell she is totally addicted.She thinks he is the perfect man and my flaws are constantly magnified.Now I know Plan A is brutal and why only 15% succeed.Most have to resort to Plan B.
> ...


OP's main issue doesn't seem to be her wife's infidelity rather his lack of self-respect . She is a serial cheater with no remorse & now proposing a sister -brother sort of relationship & you are still thinking about planA or planB ?Are you kidding me ? She is definately not in any fog , you are . 

"........If my wife had a shred of conscience in her ,she would not be doing and saying the things that are so hurtful to me...." 

If you had a shred of self-respect you would be divorcing her asap. 

Good luck


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## xtremepain (Mar 3, 2012)

I know all of you are advising divorce.I also posted on other sites and many there were supportive of my desire to R.She was faithful when we decided to end the long distance relationship and lived together back in 2000.I will make my last attempt to salvage this marriage.It is also in line with my Christian values.If it fails,then I will just walk away knowing I have done everything humanly possible.Right now,I am preparing to expose.Hope that would remove the fog.Thanks for all the advice.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Nice to hear that you still want to R, its good that you are not fed up with her cheating. you should also get ready to salvage your marriage again and again and again, there is no chance for her to leave you, because she know that she will never get a soooo forgiving husband in her life.

You better accept her offer to an open marriage, any way now you are in a one way open marriage, some way you also will be benefited by seeing other people and knowing the fact that there is nice ladies with character and commitment outside your home may give you some ray of hope to regain your self respect.

Its easy to wake people from sleep but difficult to wake people pretending to be sleeping.

If you got the advice to repair from other forums why cant you simply follow their advice? did you came here for more validation of their opinion.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

removing ur wife from fog is other thing, first get yourself out of ur own fog.


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