# Husband had made sex emotionally uncomfortable.



## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. In the beginning, sex was fun and exciting. The mood would strike us, and things would just naturally progress. That has all changed, and we have a lot of issues going on. He seems to feel that I'm asking too much if I want him to take a shower and brush his teeth before we have sex. I have never made insensitive remarks about odors, and I never turned him down because of it. When I noticed he wasn't brushing or showering before bed, I just said that it turns me on more when we're both showered and fresh. I didn't think I was being unreasonable, but that seems to make him angry. The second issue is that my husband LOVES tv, can not be awake without the tv on, but the things he likes to watch turn me off cold. I have mentioned to him many times that after watching vomit, decapitations, and explosions, I need time to switch gears. I only feel like having sex when I feel romantic and loved. I need low lights and soft music to help me forget the gory battle scenes. When I try to create a romantic mood, he acts like I'm doing something weird, and just stalling for time. The third issue is that I have to announce that I want sex. He doesn't react to the things that used to initiate sex in the past. That kinda drains the "magic" out of the moment for me. The fourth problem is that after I've announced I would like to have sex, he marches to the bed, and will then just lay there looking at me. He doesn't kiss me or try to reach for me unless I make the first move. Even then, he makes as little effort as possible. Now, just looking at these issues, one would assume this is a man who doesn't like sex, or at least, doesn't like sex with his wife. That was my assumption, but no, he swears up and down that he loves me, only wants to be with me, and wants us to have sex more often than we do. I love my husband, and I want our sex life to be fun again. It's very uncomfortable to run the gauntlet of his many objections and strange behaviors every time I want to have sex. What do I do?


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## Alphan (Mar 23, 2011)

Seven years in marriage is a very short while to get bored with sex! Such a period is when the need to make love is high and that most couples enjoy sex. Reason being that they are now fond of each other and there is no need to ask for sex. The urge just comes naturally. In your case, you need to look for more ideas that are friendly to him to initiate sex. Try to create a romantic mood for instance by listening to soft music and different ways of approaching him like a dance. About showering before sex, you can encourage him to shower by going to the bathroom together and have some fun together in the shower.Starting romance in the shower wouldn't be a bad idea too. Another alternative is giving him a break and see how he reacts when you do not ask for sex. That way, you will learn how to approach him and get tips on how to lead your sex life for more exciting sex.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You stated he loves tv, and likes to watch vomit, decapitations, and explosions. How often does he watch this kinda of stuff? Do you feel his tv watching is effecting him not wanting to shower and brush his teeth? 

Does he work? How are things outside of the bedroom, in other areas of the marriage?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you should stop saying "I want sex" and then show him a print out of your post.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I think he watches too much TV. He probably wants sex with you, but is so consumed by his TV watching that he can't easily shift gears, either.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does he have the same problem with other areas of the relationship? I am thinking that he may have passive -aggressive tendencies. When you want him to do something he resist and does what you don't want. Search the net for the characteristics and see if you recognize him. 

There is advice on how to deal with a PA partner. Secondly, did you ever ask him why he feels it is too much to ask him to do such a small thing for you. It is a loving gesture to prepare for love making for your partner. Do you do things just for him that may not be something that you would do if he did not ask? 

There is more here than sex. Could he possibly feel that he is giving more in the relationship than he is getting? Do you know what your respective love languages are? Would he be willing to take an online test to find out. If you both tackle this together I think you will get to the bottom of it. What would happen if you did not have sex with him? Would he initiate. May cooling thing down. Treat him the way he treats you. Don't ask him for anything and be polite but cool. 

Don't deny him no show of affection unless he initiates and don't say I love you if he dies not tell you first what you are doing is not working therefore you need to change your approach. Sounds like he is taking you for granted and he is not concerned that you may leave him, find someone more willing to meet your needs or just stop having sex with him. 

What ever it is it is serious and you need to get it sorted out. I think he is very foolish he has a loving wife and he turs her away. Many women lose sexual attraction and stop having sex with a man of his type. Perhaps he should know that he is playing a fools game. 

Would he be willing to read His Needs Her Needs? If not you read the book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Peace ~

I agree with Catherine's assessment of this.

This seems bigger than just the sexual issue - it seems like a general relational issue that is manifesting itself as a symptom in your sexual life.

You say that he was not this way in the beginning. What was happening in your relationship at the point where things started to change? What was the catalyst?

The only person in this scenario that you can change is yourself. So, dig deep down inside yourself and start to ask yourself some serious questions - what are your boundaries (what are you willing to live with), what things are you willing to do to move the process along, what actions can you take or do differently than may cause a response in your H?

You can communicate with your husband, but ultimately you will need do be willing to hold him accountable for his actions, and you will need to be willing to 'stay the course' of holding him accountable. Otherwise, you are simply enabling his poor behaviours with your own.

Best wishes.


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

@ Trey69 - My husband has a very high stress job, and he says he watches violent tv to relieve his stress. He is otherwise a laid back guy, and kind of likes to "hide" at home when he's not working. He doesn't like to go to places with lots of other people, ie shopping malls, concerts, restaurants during peak hours. He says due to his job, he now distrusts and hates most people.

@ Catharine602 - My husband is passive/aggressive. I've read several books about it, and sought professional help, but nothing has worked. We read the love languages book, or at least I read it, and he skimmed Love Languages for Men in about 15 minutes, but it didn't bring us any closer. I have tried to talk to him about the issues we have, but I never get answers, just a lot of P/A manipulation. While there are lots of things I do for him that I wouldn't normally do if he didn't ask, he does still feel that he's giving more to the relationship. He feels that going to work and being in charge of the finances is a huge burden that he only undertakes out of love for me. He has literally said "I'm killing myself going to work." It bears mentioning that his job has about an hour a day, total, of walking around, and the rest of the time he's sitting at a desk. He does deal with stressful matters, but not really more so than the average job. His idea of a "dream" life is a life with zero responsibilities. At least 5 days out of 7 he talks about how life would be perfect if he won the lottery, then he wouldn't have to go to work or do anything. I've been trying to understand him for years, and the root of the issue seems to be that he wants to go back to his childhood life before his sister was born. He was 5 when his sister was born, and his mother thought she should, and would be able to, give her second child the exact amount of attention as she gave her first. His dad worked long hours, and of course, there was only one mom for two kids, so it didn't work. My husband felt his mother abandoned him for the new baby, and he never got over it. Growing up, he always felt that no matter how well he did in school, how well he behaved, or how hard he worked, he always came second to his sister. He developed the idea that they didn't love him as much because he was worthless or not a good person. He has carried that anger and resentment all his life, and after a few years of marriage, I think he transferred that anger from his mother to me. I feel like what he really wants is to be my "child", with me doing all the care taking, and making all the decisions. He hates to make any kind of decision. In fact, he recently got upset with me because I tried to make him make a decision over whether or not to buy ice cream! When it comes to the bedroom, I think he just wants to lie down helpless like an infant while sex "happens", and he just can't figure out why I'm turned off by that. I did try not initiating sex, and we ended up going for SEVEN MONTHS without it. He made no effort at all to initiate, but when I tried to talk about it, he started crying, saying he was stupid, and no good, but never gave any real answers. I'm at the end of my damn rope here.

@Hicks - My husband is sometimes a bit like an emotional, dramatic Victorian-era lady. If I gave him a printout of this post, he'd be in hysterics. Every time I've even approached this conversation he would retaliate by saying things would be better if I... anything he can think of. If there's dust on a shelf, things would be better if I cleaned more. If there's a load of laundry in the hamper, things would be better if I did laundry more. If everything is perfectly clean, (which is 95% of the time), then he resorts to tears, saying he's no good, and he should have killed himself years ago. No one has ever really stood their ground in the face of his histrionics, and his reaction causes everyone to back off and do nothing, which is what he wants. If it's the weekend, he will then take to the bed, no matter what plans or obligations we may have had, and he can sleep for up to 14 hours at a time.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

No offense but he sounds juvenile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Unless there is a consequence (i.e. NO MORE SEX), he will not change


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Unless there is a consequence (i.e. NO MORE SEX), he will not change


I don't think even that will help.

I don't think anything will change this man. Maybe if he became aware of there being a problem, he'd want to change. Then, it would be hard for him to change. And, I don't see him wanting to change.

I know we're only hearing one side, but this sounds really screwed up. If it's true, then I don't see any good outcome for this guy, at all.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

I think you husband is depressed. Pretty bad too. He doesn't want to deal with reality and dreams of winning the lottery because he believes that then the pain will go away. 

He's under the impression or has convinced himself that the pain he feels internally is due to his job. He thinks that if he wins the lottery then he won't have to go to work and then he won't feel any pain. 

Not wanting to go out in public is a sign of depression. He doesn't want to interact with other people because that might force him to realize that he will feel as much pain outside of work. If he comes to this realization then that would mean that he would be forced to deal with what's really causing him all of this pain. 

In depression he has dug and dug himself into a situation where he does not see the light at the end of the tunnel. He's channeling his frustrations with his depressed state in a passive aggressive way. 

That's why I take from what you mentioned.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I wouldn't say I'm the most mature guy around... but I learned a long time ago that Glee, romantic comedies, or anything with Ryan Gosling in it goes a long way towards getting my wife in the mood. I can watch Game of Thrones on my own time!

And personal hygiene.. yeah, I am more of a morning shower person. But if it's the difference between a bj and no bj, I'd be crazy not to!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

PeaceSeeking said:


> @ Trey69 - My husband has a very high stress job, and he says he watches violent tv to relieve his stress. He is otherwise a laid back guy, and kind of likes to "hide" at home when he's not working. He doesn't like to go to places with lots of other people, ie shopping malls, concerts, restaurants during peak hours. He says due to his job, he now distrusts and hates most people.


I would think there are other ways to relieve stress than watch something violent. I have watched violent movies before, and I have to say they can create more anxiety in me than relaxation. Maybe he could listen to some CD's that were quiet and soothing to help with stress, or learn meditation. 

Since he likes to hide and doesn't like to go places with lots of people. Maybe he is a social anxiety disorder? Or like an avoidant type of personality.

If his job is that stressful and he hates and distrusts most people because of it, then maybe he needs a career change.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh.my.god. Are you married to my exhusband? He wanted to do nothing, wanted me to be the parent, was angry about everything and directed his anger at his mother to me. He would get mad if I got turned off by his bad breath or BO. Put on some deodorant. 
He acted like he had the hardest job in he world and loved violen tv and movies, horror movies and anything about zombies. 
He was also incredibly PA. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Most likely he isn't going to change. All you can do is change yourself. The more you push him the more he will push back. 
He changed a lot after we got married, it was like he was putting on act until he "had" me and then he could just do nothing and lay there. 
I'm sorry I don't have more to offer. I hope you can find some good advice here and I'd highly suggest getting yourself some counseling if you need it. PA men are just so draining in every way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

PeaceSeeking said:


> I have mentioned to him many times that after watching vomit, decapitations, and explosions, I need time to switch gears.


This sounds like a crazy idea, but I am a gore freak like your husband. Every Halloween I dress up as Lady Evil, I put on a white nightgown, grab some fake blood, jump in the tub, pour the blood in my mouth, tilt my head back and let the blood run out all down the front of my body. My chin, neck, chest, nightgown, even toes are covered in blood. To shake him up, wouldn't that be funny if you did that and see what his reaction?

If he reacts in disgust, maybe then he will understand why you are not turned on after watching gore and vomit. If he reacts positively and throws you on the bed, go stock up on fake blood. I am just kidding of course, but maybe shaking him up will get his attention. If you are willing of course.


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