# At a loss...don't know what to do for a 23 year marriage



## funtyme88 (Aug 21, 2010)

Let me start off by giving a little of our history. We started dating when I was 15 he was 18 we married when I was 16 and he was 19 (I am now 39 and he is 43). He is all I have know my whole life. We have had a very good and strong marriage for the last 20 years (or so I thought). We have survived 3 miscarriages to have a now 17 year old son. We became foster parents 7 years ago and adopted 2 girls 3 years ago. Hindsight 20/20 I think this may have been a poor choice for my family. We have survived him having cancer, the death of both of our fathers and 3 years ago we survived me having breast cancer which brings us to today. After finding out I had BC in 14 months time I had 11 surgeries and still require 1 more I just keep putting it off. During my illness my hubby and oldest daughter are the ones that took care of me as I was recovering. Somewhere along the way the developed a really strong bond. Over the course of the last 3 years but especially the last 18 months I tend to feel like a 3rd wheel in my own home. I have had very little physical contact with my husband over the last year. It is down to a quick kiss goodbye/goodnight - peck on the lips (half the time our lips don't even meet). If I am lucky an occasional hug. We haven't had sex but twice in 10 weeks and it was very automated. I get upset because he spends all his free time entertaining our oldest daughter. He is an amazing dad but I feel like he just gives her to much. He can not tell her no. He doesn't have a problem showing her affections (hugs, kisses on the cheek, tuck in at bedtime). She follows him everywhere (and this gets annoying to me) but anyway I am drifting away from my point. I am to a point in our marriage I am ready to step out side the home just to get attention/affection & yes sex. My sex drive has recently hit its peak and his has hit it's bottom. I can manage without sex but it is that physical intimate bond between a man and a woman that I am really craving...just a feeling that someone wants/needs/desires and loves you. I haven't felt that in so long. I know part of the problem is that he had testicular cancer and had to have one testicle removed so his testosterone levels are near nothing and I understand that but would that make him not want to ever physically touch me? A hug, a kiss, hold my hand, put his arms around me, snuggle me in the bed and even if he has no desire to have sex at least have a little desire to tend to my sexual needs on occassion. I have been "b****ing" ALOT lately which he says kills any desire that he might have but I only b***h because I feel like my needs are not being met. He is able to meet all these needs for our daughter(other than the sexual ones). I know that don't sound right and it is not coming out like I want it to. He makes sure that she knows that she is loved and that he will do anything for her and take care of & protect her ( all the typical things a dad does) Long story short I can't stop b****ing until he starts spending time with me (some days we may not talk to each other for more than maybe 20 min. at the most) showing me physical intamacy & affections and he wont start doing all this until I stop *****ing (which I have done before and nothing has changed). I have tried speaking to him about this repeatedly to no avail and all he can say is that I am not going to stop showing our daughter that I love & care about her. I don't want him to I just want him to share his time, feelings & affections with me also. I got mad last weekend and told him I was tired of it and that I want a divorce (even though I still love him whole heartedly) and I moved all my stuff to the basement. He orginally started out saying that he doesn't want a divorce. Now he is saying that he doesn't know if he wants one or not. One day I do want one because I know things are not going to change and the next day I don't want one because I keep holding on to that ray of hope that maybe it will all work out. He has the paper from the attorney for an uncontested divorce and he filled them out today. I haven't looked at them yet but he said they are ready to take to the attorney and be finalized anytime one of us wants to make the move to do it. I am waiting on him and he is waiting on me. He said that if this marriage does end he wants us to walk away friends. I don't know if I can do that. There is alot more to the story but this is already lengthy and I do apologize but what can I do to make him "desire" me again. My body is scarred from all the surgeries, I was once a little overweight but not anymore. I try to take care of myself hair, nails, make up etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. It would be so nice just to have someone walk up to me and wrap their arms around me and give me a hug, say something like...hmmm u look nice today or oh u smell good...something, anything but my hope is fading fast. I just about to take that step out of our marriage to meet my needs and I don't want to do that I want it from him but that craving/drive is just getting to strong to wait much longer.....ANY ADVICE?


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I feel your pain <3

I don't know what to say other than I can relate to this and maybe try the "the love dare"....I'm on day #2 & so far no response from DH, LOL!!!

I'm betting everything is normal within your family regarding sexuality but you expressed some concerns & incest is far more common than many people think or wish to believe & has affected me personally. Please stay calm and keep your eyes open : )


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## funtyme88 (Aug 21, 2010)

I was afraid that that is how I might come across but incest is not even a concern of mine. I am not very good with my words sometimes. I know what I am thinking but when I put it down in words it looks and sounds all wrong. If there is any implication of incest in my post it is only because I don't know how to say what I am thinking. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not going on. I do have some background training on how to look for signs of sexual abuse. There are no signs here at all. This situation doesn't even come close, I am just a wife that want some love, passion & desire back in her marriage. I guess I would like to get back to that "first dating" kind of love. I may be asking for the impossible I don't know.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

OK got it, I think you _are_ good with words it's just something I am hyper aware of.

Try the love dare, I just completed day 3....it's kind of fun, I'm really enjoying it!


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you're going through. It sounds like a tough situation. Maybe you'd get more response in a different forum? This sounds like it's much more than just mismatched sex drives.
My comment isn't terribly helpful, but something else kind of nagged at me about your post: Two close friends grew up in a situation something like you describe. As their parents' relationship fell apart, their fathers lavished more and more time, money, and affection on the girls.
As adults, both of my friends are alienated from their mothers, to the point of full on, bats*** crazy. Neither has dated/married/divorced any man who could live up to their dad's standard of caring for them, financially or emotionally. Nothing was ever physically inappropriate, (to my knowledge), but the family dynamic was always very misaligned.
One described her childhood as constantly being the other woman in her parents' marriage.


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## 1776sc (Aug 20, 2010)

I can relate also, I've been married for 17 years; I still believe in romance but it is impossible to get any feeling back from her. We spend 3 weeks in Europe some of the most romantic places in the word. We didn't kiss, hold hands, make love, or anything physical. I love my wife but I'm the one who has to approach her everytime. I have tried everything but I just don't get it how someone can live without the need for some affection.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Welcome to the club.

I'll give the same advice I'll give other here - you can try only so hard to diagnose your partner's dysfunction and after that, it's okay to throw in the towel. At some point, without sex, the marriage becomes invalid.

You may want to set a point on when it's okay but it sounds like you already have. I lived in our basement for awhile too so your story echoes mine.

You could inform him, as related to the posts above, that he does his daughters no good by not presenting to them what a normal, functional marriage operates like. . .and yes, that means taking mom behind closed doors and doing what moms and dads do and the kids are supposed to buzz off and let them mom and dad do that.

If we frame this from the kid's perspective, do you want them to model after a marriage where a man or a woman feels that intimacy is optional?

Do you want your daughter to neglect her man someday the way he neglects you?

If and when you do separate, someday, when you feel it's appropriate, you can actually talk to your daughter about that. However, more than likely, when you meet a guy who returns your affections and desires, she'll catch on that you were missing that. 

And then it will snap - "Oh, I think I want a relationship like mom's. . .where her and her man are physical." (or not. . .perhaps they will model after dad and think it's all about the kids)

Either way, your kids are only getting one view of a marriage - sterile.


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

I've been married 26 years. I have the same problem, with a bit of a different cause. My H is very passive. For years I was in control of our relationship. He was very happy to follow. We had an active, creative, and fulfilling sex life. But, I was doing the work, creating the fantasy, leading every encounter, etc. etc. I could only do that for so long. I got burnt out. I always lit one candle for each year we were married on our anniversary and made love to these increasing # of candles. On our 23 anniversary I asked him to light them. He didn't do it. I asked him why, he said he didn't know where the candles were. I put them out where he could see them, and showed him where they were. Still no candles. I asked why. "I don't know how to do it." Well, needless to say the candles held no menaing for him, so we stopped using them. My problem is, now on our anniversary I don't want to celebrate. I go into a panic attack if we discuss celebrating. We don't have any tradition to share for our anniversary, or any way to transition into the romantic. I have alsked him to come up with another tradition, and he hasn't. We stopped having oral sex, because it was too intimate. I was totally burned out and stopped givng him oral sex. He stopped giving it to me too. My H has always ejaculated within 2 sec. of intercourse. I have asked him to work on it. Offered to help, gotten books. etc. he won't do it. Needless to say, I am not satisfied. I told him I was so horney I would do anything to have the big O. He says "well I can give you an orgasn" So he proceedes to do the same moves the same way. About 2-3 min. into foreplay, he enters and ejaculates in his usual 2 sec. NO be O for me! I've tried having us take massage classes, so we can give each other massages. He did the class but won't do a massage, even if I ask. I have asked him to read Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue, but he never finished it, after swearing to me he would. I asked him to read Five Languages of Love. He started, but wouldn't finish. He swears he loves me. I know he's been faithful. In any other situation in his life, he is the pillar of stregnth, integrety, a man of his word. When we are at our most intimate, just me and him, and I ask why did you do these these and many other things, his answer is he loves me and he doesn't do it on purpose. I don't believe him for 1 minute! I cannot get him to think of motives he might have. We have a good relationship, with a cirle of darkness where the intimacy should be. I don't want to have sex with him again. The thought of it makes me sick!


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Illness can take a HUGE toll on everyone from the one with the illness to the care givers.

Have you talked to him about how your breast cancer effected him? Have the two of you been to counseling? Was your husband a "breast man"? Could your scarring be a mental block for him? If it is, it might be something he doesn't want to talk about for fear of offending you.

My husband currently has injuries that makes having sex painful for him. It's making us both miserable. Causing me feelings of not being loved and thinking he doesn't desire me. I am overweight and have recently been losing weight and everything, but still, his sex drive is in the basement. There is a lack of kissing and touching and general affection between us, but after a HUGE fight today and me handing my wedding ring to him, I came to a realization, he loves me, but right now he is the one who needs me to be the giving one in our relationship. 

It's quite possible he needs you more right now that you're not having nearly the issues with your cancer.

Sex begins in the mind and if he has some kind of mental block because of the cancer, it's not going to be fixed without professional help.

Try talking to him again with an open mind and try to remember that you are not the only one affected by the cancer and the scarring. It's wonderful you survived and it sounds like your husband and daughter gave you wonderful care while you needed them. Maybe your husband now needs you to be understanding of how the cancer affected him?

I am not trying to down play your pain or anguish over his lack of intimacy and affection, but you do need to understand it wasn't just your breast cancer. It was also his.

23 years of marriage would be terrible thing to waste. Speak with him and see if the cancer is still effecting him.


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