# Know there is no right answer.....but looking for opinions/advice



## ttimmy95 (Feb 16, 2019)

Hello All-

My wife and I have been "separated" for about 6 mths (Married 20 years). That said, we have chosen to remain in the same home (separate rooms) until September. At that time, our son will be leaving for college, so we really don't see the purpose of putting him through a move, etc. at this time. Additionally, we both feel it is important to be able to spend the last couple of months our son will live at home with him.

My wife has asked for a divorce, and although I am opposed and would prefer to attempt to work through the issues, I have accepted that the divorce is in all likelihood going to happen. I am at peace with that reality. In January, we informed our close family (including our son) and friends that we are planning to divorce.

The separation originated from infidelity on both sides, as well as an overall lack of communication, intimacy, etc. While I could write a book giving you the whole story, don't know that it is necessary.

My wife has started to date someone else (which I find a little strange being that we still live together, are not legally divorced, and are coming out of a 20 year relationship....but hey, we are separated.....so really not my place to comment). I have asked her that so long as we share a home, I would appreciate that she keep all phone conversations, etc. with the person she is dating out of our joint home (out of respect for one another more than anything). She has mostly agreed and upheld my request. I have zero interest in dating/entering another relationship at this point as I am more focused on personal reflection, etc.

All of that to ask this:

Although my wife is the one that has said she wants the divorce, she has not started the process. Myself, not wanting the divorce to begin with, have been hesitant to push the divorce forward. That said, I am starting to question whether I should just take the reins and start the process. On one hand, I think....what is the rush? Even if I was divorced tomorrow, we are still going to live with one another until September. I do not want to seek another relationship now anyway, so what is the difference if we finalize now, or later in the year? 

On the other hand, my wife's actions (starting another relationship, etc) would indicate that she has already moved on, so why not just get it done? While she has given me zero reason to believe any type of reconciliation is ever going to be on the table, I can't help but ponder whether she may be "holding" both sides of the fence, thinking that since I never wanted the divorce to begin with that she can try to reopen that door if her current relationship doesn't work out. I am not trying to make this decision with the unreasonable "hope" that she will come back. In my mind, we are done and divorce is inevitable at this point.

Simply put, I am just evaluating the benefits/downsides of 1) Waiting for wife to initiate divorce, or 2) Me starting the process and moving the divorce forward. Your input is appreciated.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ignoring background questions here as things seem pretty set, with plenty of fault to go around. It also sounds like the current arrangement doesn't much bother you.

That said, make sure there is not something that will haunt you forever should you put off the divorce, such as some sort of cut off for lifetime alimony, or other silliness. 

Consult an attorney, and allow him/her to advise you.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why are you against the divorce? She is seeing another man already... time to move on (from someone who doesn't want to move on either, but at least his wife is not seeing another man...  )


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ttimmy95 said:


> Hello All-
> 
> My wife and I have been "separated" for about 6 mths (Married 20 years). That said, we have chosen to remain in the same home (separate rooms) until September. At that time, our son will be leaving for college, so we really don't see the purpose of putting him through a move, etc. at this time. Additionally, we both feel it is important to be able to spend the last couple of months our son will live at home with him.
> 
> ...


As a matter of interest, you said infidelity on both sides. Who cheated first? You or she? Is this her first 'relationship' while still married. If it is it changes things.
For exampled, did you have an affair, she found out, said she wanted out and proceeded to find someone else as an exit affair.

Why would you want to work through the issues and save the marriage? What is there to save? I would just proceed with the divorce and let you wife get on with her relationship.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She asked for a divorce and is now seeing another man. The fact that she is seeing another man nixes the far off hope of reconciliation.

I'd speak with an attorney ASAP to learn your rights, whether you file or not. The idea of her holding off the divorce for a little while longer to lengthen or solidify something related to her her support/alimony until she gets remarried to someone else is real possibility.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It sounds as though your wife is *emotionally* done with the marriage, and now it's just the legalities and the other formal arrangements that need to be handled.

I'm not sure where you live, but in some states, you have to have lived apart for 6 months or a year before you can even *begin* the divorce process, so that may be one reason why she hasn't started anything yet. Plus, like you, she's probably thinking September is a long way off and it's not like you have a deadline you have to meet for filing or you'll lose out, or anything like that.

Lastly, it could come down to finances as well. No matter how you do it, it's going to cost you both so she's probably not too eager to start incurring the expenses of a divorce. 

I've always said this and stand by it even though I don't speak for all women. But it's been my life experience that once a woman is done, she's done.


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## ttimmy95 (Feb 16, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Why are you against the divorce? She is seeing another man already... time to move on (from someone who doesn't want to move on either, but at least his wife is not seeing another man...  )


Not really against the divorce......divorce just wouldn't be my personal preference. In spite of the fact that she is seeing another man, I still feel that an attempt at reconciliation would be worthwhile. That said, I understand this is very unlikely at this point, and am ok with that. Kind of indifferent to the situation at this point. Just trying to weigh the pros/cons of me starting the process. Thanks for taking the time to comment!


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## ttimmy95 (Feb 16, 2019)

aine said:


> As a matter of interest, you said infidelity on both sides. Who cheated first? You or she? Is this her first 'relationship' while still married. If it is it changes things.
> For exampled, did you have an affair, she found out, said she wanted out and proceeded to find someone else as an exit affair.
> 
> Why would you want to work through the issues and save the marriage? What is there to save? I would just proceed with the divorce and let you wife get on with her relationship.


I had affair first (about 5 years ago), wife's affair was exposed at time of separation (about 6 mths ago). At the time of my affair, although we swept it under the rug, the issues were never really dealt with. The individual in which my wife was caught having an affair with (6 mths ago) is not the same individual she is dating now. Essentially, my feeling is that the exposing affair was an "exit" affair (not much substance), and the current relationship is more of a "real" relationship (although, given the short period of time since the separation....I still find it strange to enter a new relationship this soon after a 20yr marriage). My feeling is that wife is going through some sort of "mid-life" crisis that is clouding her judgement. Not saying my actions didn't contribute to her wanting out of the marriage, just saying I think she is dealing with some real issues related to: 1) Empty nest syndrome and 2) The young age we got married (and thus, lack of other relationships, etc).


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