# Fog Lifting then Coming Back In



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Trying to survive wife EA/PA.

Communication with OM ceased. Marriage counselling ongoing...

My wife is definitely in the fog.

Sometimes we have conversations where we are really talking and feel close and I think hey the fog is lifting. Then in the same conversation, fog seems to come back or a barrier goes up.

It seems like she is two people at different times and this fog seems to come and go.

Anyone experience this ?

Any advice on how to handle ?


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Are you certain affair is dead and not just underground? If she is committed to working on the marriage, she should be willing to do things to help you move forward such as writing a no contact letter to OM, changing phone # and/or email address, giving you passwords, being an open book. 

Also, understand that coming out of the fog is much like going through withdrawals from drugs. For the first couple of weeks, not much you do will matter. After a couple of weeks, the affects shouldn't be as strong, allowing real progress to begin. It's going to be a rollercoaster, but yes, it's normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

You know, there's a saying that "It takes 21 days to make a habit, and 21 days to break it." Like marksaysay said, affairs are like a drug to some people, they go through a withdrawal period. Now, if it's been a good amount of time, say over a month, I would have to question whether she really has stopped contacting the OM.


----------



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Yes. And it was because she had secretly broken NC. She later said, "I knew he had been battling depression. I was worried about him, so I checked in and we started emailing."

Then, a few months later, she was going to go see him again to give him his "Christmas present" if I hadn't stopped her.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Everytime she has any type if contact with the OM whether it's in person or on the phone or a text or even just viewing his Facebook page, she starts the process of recovery all over. If you really want to save your marriage, you need to express this to your wife. You need to let her know that you are willing to put the pieces back together and build for the future. But this cannot happen until extreme measures are put into place so that contact is difficult. 

Maybe she needs to change her number. Maybe she needs to give you open access to her phone, email, Facebook, etc. Maybe she needs to change jobs if they work together. She needs to give you total transparency. If she is willing to work on the marriage and is remorseful, she should understand that these things are necessary for the trust to be rebuilt. It won't happen over night and I'm not saying that you should abuse the privilege of being able to check up on her, but with time the trust can return. That only comes from what she shows you over time. 

More importantly, though, you guys need to start creating some new experiences and spending time together. Time that is free of television, kids, friends, etc. Time that is fun and pleasant foe the both of you. The more time you spend with her having fun and enjoying life, the less she will think about the OM. Also, the less opportunity she will have to spend with the om.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm waiting for the fog to lift too. My wife's affair was a type of self-medication for her depression. She described it as an addiction which I agree with. It went on for about 10 months. It ended back in mid-May. The OM is desperately trying to focus on his wife. My wife is finally on meeds, but ran to live with her cousin because there is too much stress back home. More like guilt and avoiding to me. Anyways, I too have noticed the occasional lift of the fog too. But it's so frustrating. Wondering how much longer...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have, and thats why I'm a big fan for details. For us her secret other life was preventing her from opening up...still gaurded if you will. 
Once everything is out on the table she will not feel the need to be so gaurded and she will find it easier to talk when there are no more secrets to hide.

The point is there are still secrets. So there is alot of "trickle truth" going on and/or she may be "fishing" the OM.

I suggest you validate her commitment by quitely investigate and/or she put it all on the table no matter how much it hurts you.

As painful as it is, it is a solid way to move on together. Be warned some details were hard to swollow, I've seen enough porno to now what went on, but there were things that need to be discussed and when she did I saw and heard a relief in her. 
Since then our conversation about anything seem to flow with no reservations on her part.

If I'm correct there are conversations the both of you had during the affair and comparing it with the conversation the both of you have now... you still feel/hear that person having the affiar? right?

Secrets man secrets, she has to get them out!!!


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Wife left w kids for just over a month. This happens every year during the summer.

It is a great time for me to do some things for myself and given what's gone on, a welcome break for us both.

She is at the cottage with her parents, a very safe environment.

What I consider a real breakthrough is that she has told her Mom the details of her A.

I pushed her to so this. I let her tell her Mom first and then I talked at length to her as well.

I was very helpful with her Mom when there was infidelity in her marriage (at the time her kids my wife included were pissed off and not talking to her).

I consider her Mom to have a lot of influence over my wife and things continue to go in a positive direction.

I believe TAM has great ideas on how to handle infidelity and agree with most of them.

The key for me is the approach and timing of implementing these ideas.

I could have told her Mom day 1 (Day D was early May). Her Mom knows 2 months later, my wife got to tell her first and I got to make sure she had the right information talking to her after and we continue to talk daily.

I can see the real value of having people of influence involved.

As far as am I sure contact has stopped ?

The only thing I am 100% sure of is death and taxes.

Stories on TAM show how creative people can be when they want to to continue contact.

Everything I have seen suggests contact has ceased but am I 100% sure no. 

I have still not contacted OM's wife. I have very good evidence and I'm not really worried about the quality of the evidence decaying over time.

When people talk about contacting OM's wife or OW's husband, it is not clear do they mention the name of their own spouse or do they just say hey your H or W is having an affair ?

Would like a little more specific insight on how this contact normally occurs.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Definitely tell OM's wife. She has every right to know.

If she asks who the affair is with, tell her, don't lie.

I think it's better to do it over the phone or via email/letter. Also think ti's best to tell her without letting your wife or the OM know ahead of time. Why? Because it gives them time to get their story straight and make YOU sound like the crazy one and/or minimize the affair.


----------

