# New member, caught husband "in the act"



## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

Just don't know where to begin. My marriage. We've been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children. While not perfect, we've had a great marriage. My husband has faults, so do I. We've had our ups and downs and always have come out stronger. We are active as youth ministers in our church. I've always trusted him 100%. Never a doubt crossed my mind. He's more outgoing and I'm more homebody but it worked for us. Why wouldn't it? He would have lunch with female friends and always invited me or told me he was going to, I never questioned. I thought he was a good friend as well as good husband. There are also nights that he may want to go watch a fight or a game and if I don't feel like going I never minded him meeting another female "sports friend", in which case I always trusted both of them. She is a good friend of mine also, we just don't share the love of sports (aside from fighting, which I do like but still don't want to go to a bar and watch every weekend). 

His biggest fault up to now, he was a porn addict. I constantly caught him looking at porn years ago. This has not been a problem in over 10 years. This was before we became active in the church and renewed our commitment to Christ and to each other. Can I say I got over this 100%? No. It has resulted in lingering self esteem issues but we worked hard to get over these. 

Our sex life, despite the above, is very active. My husband though is very demanding and this does leave me with never really having the opportunity to really want it. I'm not allowed sick days or to say no. Well, I could but I would pay for it with his bad attitude and brooding, just not worth it. Not only this but he takes forever to "finish". Always has. When you work full time, homeschool 1 child and drive 3 around to their activites, this honestly does cut into my schedule. I work at home 3rd shift and I have to use my lunch time for this, which always runs over. I just realize he has a high labido and though it was bothersome at times, I also feel flattered that he is still attracted to me and wants me. 

Financially we are rocky. He is in construction and times are tight and stressed. We're dealing and doing okay but less than comfortable. 

I think I covered it, maybe I left something else out. 

Saturday night we went out with a group of friends for a friend's birthday party to a dance club we both like going to. I was DD and having fun dancing part of the time, socializing the other part. A female friend in the group is the wife of one of my husbands good friends. I found out later she had taken pills and was drinking on top of this. My husband also was getting free drinks from another friend he had that worked the bar. She was dancing a little too seductively with another male friend in the group. My husband was not happy that this guy was "taking advantage" of his friends wife so told him he needed to back off. Later on I saw her dancing with hubby and really thought nothing of it, laughed even. Fast forward another half hour and I notice they are both missing. I didn't think anything of it at first until the people she came with were ready to leave. I though maybe she was passed out and he was staying with her to keep her safe or out of trouble. I texted him twice and then called him within about a 15 minute window before I went looking for them. I went out to my truck and what a shock, I found my faithful, Christian husband in the back seat of the truck with her on his lap. Of course this was "not what it looked like", "an accident", "didn't mean it to happen", "I was drunk", "I didn't know what I was doing", "I love you and want to fix this", "tell me what to do to make it better", etc. etc. His excuse, which I didn't even ask for or want to hear but he told me anyway, was that he took her outside to try to calm her down and tell her that she was acting inappropriately and was going to be sorry for her behavior tomorrow and she drug him to the truck and just started going at him. He admits that he did nothing to stop it but says he didn't participate. Um, it kind of has to cooperate to happen, doesn't it? 

Obviously he is now out of the house. No way do I even want to see him, nevermind live with him. I do know though that he has nowhere to go. In my mind I want to make sure that I'm legally covered. He is out of the house, I am in. I am entitled to a fault divorce (BTW--We also have another witness who was looking for them with me) which can be finalized in 3 months, possibly sooner. Do I want this? NO, I don't. I love my husband, even after this. My kids love their dad. They don't deserve to live without him. Nobody has slept since then. The kids will be missing school tomorrow because of this, even the homeschooled one. BUT....I never see trusting him again. The thoughts of him ever touching me just make me vomit (literally). I have scrubbed down our marrital bed, scrubbed and Lysol'd the truck. I can't get rid of the dirt. He wants to come back NOW and I say no way. He wants to talk about this and I just want to find the thing I can say that will hurt him the most. I know I can never hurt him as much as he has hurt me. 

BTW, I did tell the other womans husband. To which my husbands drunken response was, "You know you just ruined their marriage." and "I will never have the same relationship with them again". 

Is it over? Right now I say yes. How do I ever get this image out of my brain. It is tattooed on my retina. There forever. How do I ever let him touch me when all I will ever see is them? 

Please tell me somebody has been through this and has actually seen it and it didn't follow them forever. This is all I see right now. It is reflected on the back of my eyelids where this is all I can see when I close my eyes.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

There is nothing i can say to make you feel better right now, because you are in crisis mode. You should be aware that a lot of marriages do survive this and a lot do not. That being said, you actually have a better shot at saving this than most people on this board. Do you know why?

Because it was not an emotional affair and you nothing has to be revealed. This is less of a trust issue than a morality issue. The fact is that most people spend a long time, even years, getting to the information that you have by seeing it. You do not have to coax him, to tell you the truth because you were both there. 

That may not make you feel any better, but when the time comes for you to discuss options... divorce or marriage counseling... There will not be any lingering issues of trust, cutting off the affair and and uprooting an emotional bond that formed between your spouse and someone else. 

I am not saying that there are no trust issues, I am saying that trust is not at the top of the list of problems. I know this doesn't make you feel any better, but you should realize that people make it through much worse, if that gives you any hope.

I am sorry that you ended up here.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Once Bitten - speaking as a male.
Being unfaithful to your wife is always wrong...but there are times when its less wrong.
I am not trying to justify what your husband did as being OK...but please atleast look at the circs...

The woman was high on drink and drugs....your husband was 'under the influence' of alcohol...a woman came on to him...he responded as probably 90% on men in his 'position' would.

As twotimeloser has said...he wasn't doing it behind you back over a long period of time....with 'late meetings' in the office, conference calls on a Sunday, new e-mail addresses, 'odd' txt messages.

He wasnt having an affair. He was drunk and got laid.

I can understand how cheated you feel....your husband had sex with another woman.

Has he been unfaithful before? Do you trust him (clearly not quite so much now)...is he a 'good' husband and father?

If the answer is no, yes and yes....then please don't be so hasty. Is it really worth going through a divorce and wrecking a family because when in a drunken state his pecker got the better of him?

Before you make any firm decisions, take some time out to think logically....

Please understand that I am not trying to justify your husbands actions.... maybe just put another perspective on it...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You did the right thing by telling her husband.

Start thinking practically though I know you are going through a LOT of different emotions right now. What do you want? Need?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so sorry this has happened. But, don't do anything definitive for one month. Waiting will not make things worse but, may make it better. When you are hurt like this and in shock, it may be difficult to make the right decisions.

I admire your strong self esteem and unwillingness to put up with betrayal. At the same time, you have to consider the pros and cons carefully for so big a decision. If you are going to go thru the divorce, you need to do so with all of your faculties intact and it will take time for your mind to get there. 

PM one of our forum members, Affaircare. She is an excellent resource. She can help you to make a decision that is best for you, your kids and your husband. This is the link to her page Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Affaircare 

Please do take advantage of all of the quality assistance that comes your way.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i have 2 points to make...

how does she know for sure there has been nothing else, even EA, going on up until this point and it was just spontaneous, although im not saying it couldnt have been.
she has stated that he has spent much time going out without her, texting, phone calls. all things that could signal something more, or not.

2nd...


> .but there are times when its less wrong


BS



> .your husband was 'under the influence' of alcohol...a woman came on to him...he responded as probably 90% on men in his 'position' would.


again more BS.
being drunk takes away the inhibitions one has to do things they want.
it does not make you do things you do not want.

i really get tired of hearing that as an excuse.
apparently it is a fairly accepted one and used very conveniently, but that does not make it true.

i think it was a very good thing you told the OWH.
and you didnt place their marriage in a bad place, they did.
not your fault that his friendship is in trouble with the OWH.
its his.

it will probably be a very hard thing for you to get past to the point of fixing things with him if thats what you choose to do.

good luck to you.


----------



## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

once_bitten said:


> I never minded him meeting another female "sports friend", in which case I always trusted both of them. She is a good friend of mine also, we just don't share the love of sports (aside from fighting, which I do like but still don't want to go to a bar and watch every weekend).



That was not their first rodeo show. I hope you do not believe that.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

jezza said:


> The woman was high on drink and drugs....your husband was 'under the influence' of alcohol...a woman came on to him...he responded as probably 90% on men in his 'position' would.
> 
> Is it really worth going through a divorce and wrecking a family because when in a drunken state his pecker got the better of him?


I think this reflect very poorly on how you think about men, but is greatly exagerated. A large percentage of men, if faced with someone who is not herself, would just take her to a safe place to dry out. 

Is it worth divorce? Absolutely!!, when factored into his general lack of self control. But only after the emotions have calmed and you are absolutely sure this is what you want.

The apparent obsession with porn, despite your feelings about it, demonstrates his lack of control.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

once_bitten said:


> BTW, I did tell the other womans husband. To which my husbands drunken response was, "You know you just ruined their marriage." and "I will never have the same relationship with them again".


This is more telling than the rest of your post. He's showing a strong concern for her life and blaming you for her possible troubles. He made you out to be the guilty party immediately after his infidelity was discovered. I think you interrupted one of many times they've been together. The bond between the two of them is stronger than he wants you to believe. The fact that he still expects to have any kind of relationship with her shows how far gone he is.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> This is more telling than the rest of your post. He's showing a strong concern for her life and blaming you for her possible troubles. He made you out to be the guilty party immediately after his infidelity was discovered. I think you interrupted one of many times they've been together. The bond between the two of them is stronger than he wants you to believe. The fact that he still expects to have any kind of relationship with her shows how far gone he is.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


>


i believe so too unfortunately


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I did not consider that this may have been an ongoing affair. Now I think of it, why would a man be so concerned about the seductive behavior of a friends wife? The natural reaction, if you want to protect the woman is to ask your wife and female friends to watch and talk to her and inform his friend, her husband to take care of his wife.. Instead, he takes care of her like he had a vested interest in her. Yea, strongly suspect that this is an ongoing affair and emotional attachment and that he is still seeing her. 

The type of affair is important to consider - he may be lying he seems to have an emotional attachment to this woman so it is more than a drunken mistake. In addiion, he may still have the porn addiction that has gone deep underground. You may not know your husband and what he really is, I would do more digging to find out how long things have been going on, has he ingaged in other infidelities, is he still addicted to porn. When you know these thing for sure you can decide better if your are dealing with a good man who made a stupid mistake or a man who has been deceiving you as to his true nature. 

Get tested for STDs since you don't know what he has been up to. 

The post about what 90% of men would do, really? What an disgusting and untrue portrayal of men. It perpetuates the prejudice against male sexuality. this man is an ass and i have seen many post from men who tell of being approached and don't take the bait. 

Please don't say things that encourage these things we are trying to come together her not get torn apart but the actions of one ass. At one time I would have agreed with you but now I know it is not true because of opening my mind to reality. 90% of men would not get into a truck with the drunk wife of his friend, leaving his own wife a couple of yards away, just for 2 min of penis pleasure. Men are overwhelmingly smart and have self-respect. There is something wrong with this man and it is not sexual starvation because his wife does not deny him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What does that picture mean?


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What does that picture mean?


tip of the iceberg


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> I did not consider that this may have been an ongoing affair. Now I think of it, why would a man be so concerned about the seductive behavior of a friends wife? The natural reaction, if you want to protect the woman is to ask your wife and female friends to watch and talk to her and inform his friend, her husband to take care of his wife.. Instead, he takes care of her like he had a vested interest in her. Yea, strongly suspect that this is an ongoing affair and emotional attachment and that he is still seeing her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Firstly, don't listen to anyone who says it is your fault --it is not in the least! Your hubby is a big boy who has a mouth and can talk and tell you he is unhappy. He doesn't have to have sex with the neighbor lady to tell you that. He is a piece of scum, sorry to say but it is true.

I am going to make this nice and simple for you. He does not love you because a man would not do that to the women he loves. He does not respect you. He treated you like a dishrag in public, knowing full well he could be caught and humiliated you. Alcohol excuse does not count sorry. Alcohol is often the window to the soul. Lastly, you will never ever trust him again. You may forgive, but the memory of this will haunt you forever. You will resent him for the rest of your life. Sorry but a thousand good days can be tragically ruined by one very bad day.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ...I did tell the other womans husband. To which my husbands drunken response was, "You know you just ruined their marriage." and "I will never have the same relationship with them again".


I would like to clarify this for you. If their marriage is ruined, it was HER ACTIONS and infidelity that ruined their marriage, not your telling the truth. Just be sure that is clear in your head. 

I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you're here. I was thinking of sending you a Private Message (PM) and still may, but I have some practical advice for you. 

You have been through a VIOLENT emotional crisis, and right now there is a very good chance that you are not able to think too clearly. Remember in the old days they used to have "Crimes of Passion"? This is why--you hear this kind of news, and even the most docile, peaceful, loving person has something just ~SNAP~ in their mind and they want to kill, hit, hurt or harm! That isn't their true character, and it probably isn't yours either. So right now the smartest thing you can do is to recognize that you probably are not yourself and choose to make no decisions now. 

Literally on a practical level, I offer two strong suggestions:

1) Purchase kleenex with lotion. If you use normal tissue and cry literally for hours (which you will) and blow your nose or wipe your eyes without the lotion...you will chap your eyes or nose. Then the salt in your tears makes it sting even worse and your eyes will swell shut. So get some lotion tissue. 

2) Purchase some soup. You have children. They will not fully understand what has occurred or why, even if they know SOME, and they will need their mother especially if their father is not in the home. Thus much like after a death, you will have some things that you have to do...some business that has to be attended to...and you'll need some strength to do so. After crying for hours, it is just IMPOSSIBLE to eat as you can't swallow with that lump in your throat. But soup is both warm and nourishing, and you can swallow soup. For the next few days, if you live off of oatmeal and soup, it won't be ideal for your health but it will give you some nutrients AND some energy...AND more importantly you are able to swallow it. 

Beyond the initial practical advice, I notice that you mention you and your husband are Christians and are ministers. With that in mind, I will advise you based on principles in the bible as that's what Christians obey...okay? That being the case, Matthew 5:31-32 and Matthew 19:3-9 do confirm that the only valid grounds for a divorce is adultery, and thus you have the biblical right to divorce if you choose to exercise that right. I do myself know of many people who have chosen to save their marriage after adultery, and I know of marriages that have not only recovered but gotten better afterward. However the decision is entirely up to YOU and not your husband. 

The fact that he has not taken personal responsibility is telling. That is to say, once he was caught in the act, he could have immediately said, "Oh honey, I have made a horrible mistake and it was my own choice! I should have said no and run back in--fleeing the situation--and instead I made the decision to stay." Since he tried to blame her, blame the circumstance...blame everyone but himself...that does tend to speak volumes. Also that he would blame you for "ruining their marriage" --hmmmm. Finally the fact he is now pressuring you to "take him back" when HE is the one who made a choice that has jeopardized the family and possibly your health... well I can only say that at a minimum I would suggest that you have a doctor's appointment to check for STD's and take the time to calm down and be able to get some sleep and think clearly before you do ANYTHING about the marriage or divorce. If he has nowhere else to go, I guess he should have thought of that before he put you and his children in harm's way, huh? He is a grown man--allow him to experience the consequences of his choice to be unfaithful until you are able to think clearly and make a wise, informed decision. 

Until then, I say cry, eat some soup, take naps if you need rest, speak to wise counsel--people whom you trust. I do not recommend telling everyone and their mother at this time, but a trusted wise person like your pastor or mom might be perfect, just to help you think clearly. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you always.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't agree that there are always problems in the relationship that make a person stray. Some people stray even when things are good because that is their character. 

They may be narcissist or sex addicts or have unusual or require an unreasonable amount of sex. People who cheat with little provocation are usually not good risk to continue a marriage. They will never be satisfied with one person. 

From what she says, the marriage sounded decent, she had sex frequently with him. His porn addiction may indicate of a very high libido that may have been difficult to satisfy.


----------



## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies. I've put thought into all of them the best I can right now. Im exhausted. I'm going on about 60 something hours with 6 hours of sleep and starting work now. 

Well, he is NOT taking responsibility for this. He is still maintaining his victim card that he didn't know what he was doing, yada yada. Luckely he has been a little more respectful in giving me my space today and not calling all day long and texting. Only a few times. I did tell him I don't want to hear or read I love you another damn time. Every time it digs a little deeper and ticks me off more. 

I have taken into consideration that he has done this before. I can't believe right now that he hasn't. I did find out that it is a common weekend occurance for the OW and her husband has known about it but denied it for quite a while. From what I understand he has now left. I was told that she had plans the whole night to find someone to play around with and I guess after my husband threatened the last of them off he seemed the most likely prospect. Sorry, victim. 

I am definitely getting STD tested, now and again in 6 months. I have also told him that while he is under my health insurance I will only keep him on there long enough for his next heart checkup if he makes and keeps an appointment for a vasectomy and STD testing himself. Otherwise he has 5 months of medication left and then goes without insurance. 

You know, *IF *I have any part in this at all it has been being to trusting and giving him too much space. I ALLOWED him into temptation by allowing him to meet other women for lunch and out at bars for sports functions. Other than that, I can honestly and truely say that with a lot of soul searching that I have not played a part in this. If he is not happy in the marriage than that is fine, but I cannot change. I have been more than available to him for his sexual demands. I cannot give any more of myself. If anything I NEED to give less. I have denied myself to make him happy, sacrificed my own feelings in order to fulfill my "wifely duties". In retrospect I have not been fair to myself and this will not be a mistake I ever make again. Have I been too accomodating to his happiness to where he felt it was okay to go elsewhere because 'my wife won't mind'? BUT, I can say in all certainty that there is no way I can _improve_ our marriage to make him happy if he was not happy before. It's all on him. I've done all the changing I have been willing to do in my years of striving to be a good wife to him. If he wants to remain in the marriage and I decide later on down the road, he will be the one doing the changing. I will not deny myself any longer. I'm worth more than that and always have been. Otherwise, he is free to go. As of right now though I want under no circumstances for there to be any doubt that in my eyes there is no reconciliation. From what I understand with the laws once you let them back in they consider it a reconciliation and you are forced to wait out the year separation. I've got the ball now and I'm holding on to it.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> I would like to clarify this for you. If their marriage is ruined, it was HER ACTIONS and infidelity that ruined their marriage, not your telling the truth. Just be sure that is clear in your head.
> 
> I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you're here. I was thinking of sending you a Private Message (PM) and still may, but I have some practical advice for you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

We dont always agree, but I thought this was a very wonderful post and I have nothing but the highest respect for this reply. 

I envy your compassion.  Makes me feel too logical. LOL


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Maybe I should retract my comment about 90% of men confronted with the same situation would do the same thing....

I still stand by SOME of what I said in that if a male is in a happy union where all his (and her) needs are met then yes its highly unlikely the man will stray.
However, if (for whatever reason) a husband (or wife) isnt getting the attention, flattery or sex at home then they are more vunerable to straying.

I took the same vows we all took.... I am in a sexless marriage. I know being unfaithful is wrong...I know I told my wife that I will honour her with my body, just as she did to me.
The thing is, I'm not getting any...if a woman (who I found even remotely attractive) paid me some attention, gave me compliments, eyed me up a bit and then really came on to me.....

COME ON!!....I'm human! 

So....to those men and women I offended by saying that 90% of all men would stray, please accept my apologies.

I would still say that 90% of men in unhappy/sexless marriages would have done the same thing though....
Just as probably the same percentage of women in unhappy/sexless marriages would have done the same.

We ALL like to feel wanted, appreciated, complimented....


----------



## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

I gave myself selflessly and openly to him for 15 years, even through his addiction. During our marriage the only time he went without from me for 5 days at the most is my 30 th birthday cruise and after child birth. I tried my damndest to be the ***** in bed he wanted me to be while being the faithful wife in our marriage. While your situation sucks, I did everything in my power to not di that to my husband. Not out of fear of him cheating. I didn't think that would ever be an issue, but because I love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

once_bitten said:


> I gave myself selflessly and openly to him for 15 years, even through his addiction. During our marriage the only time he went without from me for 5 days at the most is my 30 th birthday cruise and after child birth. I tried my damndest to be the ***** in bed he wanted me to be while being the faithful wife in our marriage. While your situation sucks, I did everything in my power to not di that to my husband. Not out of fear of him cheating. I didn't think that would ever be an issue, but because I love him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be cheated upon is a heartbreaking betrayal. However, I 'm sure that to be cheated on when you made your own needs subservient to his is in a whole different sphere of unfairness. You will still find yourself going through the stages of anger and ultimately be able to get through this. 

Okay - I don't think platitudes like the paragraph above will help you. Maybe it will help if I tell you that one day, you'll wake up and this betrayal will not be your first thought of the day. My closest betrayal was a very personal issue, and was not my spouse. For years, it taught me never to trust another person. I became cold and immune, and even spent a good part of my high school years in a school with bars on the windows. Personally, I just decided one day that I would try to find a way to let this make me into a better person, and it wasn't long after that that I began to think about it less and less.

Believe me, I'm not making light of it. But you will overcome it even if it is just to show the SOB that he didn't win when he did this to something you hold sacred.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm sorry you're here. Pit of my Stomach's picture of the iceberg is very good. That has been the case with my wife's affair. Every day, I find more iceberg. A few mistakes I made:

Don't tell your husband your plan.

Don't tell your husband about this site. It should be a refuge for you. Most of us here can offer support. I'm not much on the advice yet as I am still struggling. But you do have people here who know the pain. That has been helpful for me.

Don't rush. Slow down. You have been extremely hurt. Cry. I am just starting to be able to think clearly. It has been a month and a half since D-day for me.


----------



## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

I have no plan on telling him about this site. 

He did e-mail me this morning for the first time not making excuses. I truely feel he is remorseful but also feel like I can't trust my judgement right now. I don't trust my feelings. I felt like we walked into that club that night a happy couple and left with my world split apart. I have not replied to his e-mail. He has been respecting my wishes for separation and has not been emailing and contacting me like he was the past few days, only the email this morning, which I do feel was sincere. He has made an appointment for a vasectomy and STD testing like I asked. He has been adement that he felt no need for this in the past and refused. 

I just started yesterday looking for a therapist for the kids and myself. I'm anxious and nervous. How in the world do you know they are any good? I am putting so much trust in a stranger not to screw us up anymore than we already are.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

once_bitten said:


> I just started yesterday looking for a therapist for the kids and myself. I'm anxious and nervous. How in the world do you know they are any good? I am putting so much trust in a stranger not to screw us up anymore than we already are.


Try going to the psychology today website, they have a detailed searchable directory which includes location, specialties, etc.. they also give you the ability to call and/or e-mail the therapists listed with any general questions or to set up a visit, some offer free phone consultations to determine if they are the right fit...


----------

