# Now that my mother is slowly fading from life....



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am dealing with a few questions about our relationship.

One is, what would motivate a parent to call their child stupid. And to create opportunities to call one's child stupid, to ask got'cha questions? At times, when she didn;t know the correct answer herself.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Some parents just suck, and trying to figure out why they do what they do is a waste of time and giving them more energy than they are worth. 

It's possible your mom was taught to act that way from her parents unfortunately. Or it could be related to a mental illness. Or it could be because they can't control their own anger. Or it could be a way to make themselves feel better, in a ****ed up and twisted kind of way. Or, or, or...

In short, it's because they are bad parents.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It’s a lack of self confidence in the parent and also show’s fear of their child surpassing them mentally, financially and physically.
A parent who doesn’t want their children to succeed beyond their wildest dreams is completely unsuitable to be a parent.
It’s like a tradesman not wanting to teach the apprentice certain skills.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Some people are just insecure and feel the need to be right, or superior. They are so desperate that they will even create opportunities to make themselves appear superior, smarter, better, more righteous, whatever.

Also, some people are just mean. Even if they are a parent, they can't overcome their meanness.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Because they're uphappy in their inner being, and that unhappiness expresses itself outward towards others. Unhappiness and bitterness spills out beyond just the self thats unhappy.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Here's an example of her weird behavior.

My parents went to see the film the Good Shepherd. I asked my parents how was the film. My mother did all the talking.

She said it was about the beginning of the CIA. Mat Damon plays a role that takes him to defeated Nazi Germany to vet the Germans who want to come to the US. The film shows his character's back story. How he went to Yale and was active the thespian club. then she went off on this tangent about how universities had to have the males students play female roles. 

Then she segued into talking about Harvard's "Tasty Pudding Club." Creating alternative names and then expecting me to correct her or to know what or whom she is talking would be the next step in this "game" she plays. So I started to notice that she stopped talking about the film and started asking me about the Tasty Pudding Club. Her voice was also becoming more and more aggressive. I realized that she was not going to stop unless I reacted. So I told her that I never studied at Harvard and therefore I know nothing about this Tasty Pudding Club. And this lack of knowledge was no indictment on my intelligence.

My father shut down the discussion.

I went to see the film. there is nothing in that film that even squeaks "Harvard." No major or minor characters that studied there. No scenes taking place on that campus. No reports from Harvard that Mat Damon's character or anyone else was using. And that's when I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother creates opportunities to have her got'cha moments.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I really have no clue. I am sorry she does this to you. It makes no sense whatsoever.

I spend my time trying to build up and encourage my kids, just as my parents did for me.

She sounds cruel. It sounds like your dad knows it too.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The mother was bad, or broken, an unfinished portrait.

This mom likely hated the father or the circumstances of your making.

Her resentment has transferred, and in her mind, lives within you.

A sperm and an egg make a child, a mother is made by trial and error, trial and tribulations.
Not all come out, well made.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> I am dealing with a few questions about our relationship.
> 
> One is, what would motivate a parent to call their child stupid. And to create opportunities to call one's child stupid, to ask got'cha questions? At times, when she didn;t know the correct answer herself.


Never, never.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

I can relate somewhat to this.
Has your mother used the words "stupid" / "stupid daughter" etc, or does she just imply that you are?
Both hurt regardless.

Has she been drinking? 
Is she getting on in age?

You noticed that she was building up for a confrontation. Your Dad seems familiar with the game also.
Has she always been this way?

Is she the type who will continue getting worked up even if you agree with them ,(because they aren't actually listening, just going on one)?

If she has always been like this then it's part of her character.
Like has already been mentioned, there could be some resentment of you and your life/intelligence compared to hers. Of your chances to do things that were not as accessible in her day. (Depends if her life was a struggle or hardship).
Or the resentment of you coming too early into her life and stopping her from living hers freely.

If she hasn't always been like this though, it could be a sign of some mental health problem or deterioration in some way.

What is your connection like outside these episodes? Is she approachable enough for you to tell her that you won't be being drawn into another of her discussions that end as attacks.

I always end up defending myself in these situations. I need to learn to just not engage, so I'm in no position to advise that you set boundaries.
But I think changing the game on her would be worth trying.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

She has called me stupid, so very direct. The first time I remember doing it I was 14. She found a French word in a cookbook and asked me how to pronounce. For those who know, it is not a phonetic language so while pronouncing the word correctly, she had expectations , pronouncing every single letter she saw, calling me stupid and wondering why she was sending me to private school. Mind you, she had never studied French. My mother doesn't drink.


She has been this way for a long time. But it doesn't appear that she does it to other people either in the family or to others outside of the family. I have 5 siblings. Never heard anyone complaining about this.



> Is she the type who will continue getting worked up even if you agree with them ,(because they aren't actually listening, just going on one)?


That's part of her schtick. She'll change sides just to be opposite.



> What is your connection like outside these episodes? Is she approachable enough for you to tell her that you won't be being drawn into another of her discussions that end as attacks.


I finally decided it has never been good. I'm nearing 60 and we have never had an adult to adult conversation. she always knows better, according to her. She's constantly giving out useless advice. She doesn't believe anything I say. She has to hear the same thing from someone else before she accepts it as truth.
There came a point in which I realized that the more I disclosed about myself, the more material she had to put me down. So I say very little to her. ie. yeah, I'm fine. 

Back when I thought we could have a decent mother daughter relationship, I disclosed that I found my (ex) BIL annoying with his PA behavior. So then she would ask, in a very animated way, How's BIL? As if I was say something pleasant about him. 

I also accept now that she will always have a reason to say that I am wrong. For example, appearance, how one dresses, is very important to my mother. So she wanted to know how I dressed when I played tennis. Why didn't I wear tennis skirts? Isn't that what the other women? Why do I always wear pants? and so on. I realized if I had mentioned that the other ladies have remarked that I'm always coordinated (ie same color tennis shoes and shirts, so on), she would have said, "they just feel sorry for you." So I said nothing. But I also wondered why she would assume that I am the worst dressed there.

Enough of that this morning. Thanks for asking.


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> I am dealing with a few questions about our relationship.
> 
> One is, what would motivate a parent to call their child stupid. And to create opportunities to call one's child stupid, to ask got'cha questions? At times, when she didn;t know the correct answer herself.


Some parents say some of the most off the wall crap. My mother did. To all her children Quite often. Some of it was for manipulation and control. I chalk it up to a WTF moments. After her passing I still just shrug my shoulders wondering why my mother said such things. At the end the day...it just does not matter any longer. I do not dwell on it. My sister does though. Eager to please even after our mom passed away.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sometimes there’s one child in the family who is singled out for unfair treatment. Your mother has picked you as that child. It could be because you remind her of someone in her family that she didn’t really like. You could also remind her of something she doesn’t like about herself. Whatever the reason, she’ll never admit it so you’re better off minimizing your exposure to her. She may be civil to others but she’s toxic to you.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry your mom does that. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted by their mother, and it hurts when mother is mean.

She is human, and definitely flawed. It is no excuse, but perhaps knowing that can help you not be hurt by the stupid things she says. She is not a loving superhero, like one might like their mother to be, she is a deeply flawed person, who had children. Accepting her like that may help ease the sting of when she is mean.

Maybe you can tell her honestly that when she is like that, it hurts and disappoints you.


----------

