# SO so confused



## odb (Oct 29, 2014)

I don't even know how to begin this. But I am pretty sure my husband has an addiction to sex....and its gotten worse and worse over the years. He's always been real critical that we don't do it as often or how he wants. We do at least 3-4 times a week. But lately its getting to a boiling point about him being so mad he cant even barely look at me because I'm not dressing "sexy" for him at all times. I cant even begin to get into how hard I am getting this driven into my head, that I'm inadequate in bed and that I am not up to his standards in regard to how I look/wear. MULTIPLE TIMES I've woken up during the night and he is doing his way with me. I take sleeping pills to get sleep so I'm pretty incoherent. Last night I was laying in bed and he decided that he was going to do what he wanted, he has no cares if it hurts me, or makes me uncomfortable, its so unbelievably humiliating and confusing. I feel like I'm being raped by my own husband. He KNOWS what he is doing, he KNOWS that things hurt, he KNOWS how humiliating he is making me and he gets off on it. It gives him all the power he is wanting. This has happened in the past but not quite to the extreme that it did last night. I'm feeling so lost, empty, dead inside, confused. I know in my heart this is a legitimate thing but at the same time so embarrassing I cant talk to anyone about it. I feel like something has sparked him where he is having to take it to this whole new level. Does anyone have any experience with this? How they dealt with it? Maybe what gave them the strength to say enough is enough? Just feeling so dead inside and terribly confused.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You know of course there is a huge difference between making love and getting sex.

It's sounds more like a power trip to me than sexual desire.

I think the bumper sticker says "just say no!"


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First thing I would suggest is separate bedrooms (with a lock on your door) and counseling for you, assuming you're not prepared to leave him right now. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

You ARE being raped by your own husband. Find another place to sleep tonight. I think you should call a rape hotline and get their advice about what to do next. If you can't trust your husband not to molest you when you are asleep you aren't safe to sleep at home.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening ODB 
if your husband is having sex with you when you don't want it, you ARE being raped. This is very serious.

Whether or not you want to report it is up to you, but you MUST at least make it absolutely clear to your husband that this has to stop. Make sure that he doesn't somehow convince himself that you are OK with this behavior. 

Sex 3-4 times a week is not in itself at all unreasonable if sex means doing things that you BOTH want. If the sex is all one-sided it is completely reasonable for you to want less.

You need to talk to him and fix this. Or divorce him. He is treating you very badly.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> That is just crazy.
> 
> raped? really?


He is having sex with her without her consent. That is rape.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DoF said:


> That is just crazy.
> 
> raped? really?
> 
> Low Drive wife would probably love if her husband can have sex and she doesn't even know it......give me a break.



She's drugged and has indicated to him her wishes. What do you call it then?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening DoF
If you know that your partner consents to sex when they are sleeping, then its fine. With a long term partner it may even be OK to start being intimate with them when they are sleeping if you have reason to think that they wouldn't mind. 

BUT - if they have told you that they don't want you to do this, then it is completely unacceptable, and may count as rape.

For example, I have told my wife that she is welcome to be intimate with me when I am sleeping. So any time she wants she can start doing things to me. She has told me that she doesn't want to be woken that way so it would be completely unacceptable for me to do so. 

Consent can be confusing in some situations, but when someone has specifically removed consent, there is no confusion. 

Of course if the OP has not told her husband that she doesn't want him doing this, then consent becomes murky again.




DoF said:


> She drugged herself........
> 
> And what's the big deal if he bangs his wife while she is sleeping?
> 
> ...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO and I have talked about the sex while sleeping thing, and both of us are ok with that. The OP is not ok with that. That's the fundemental difference between the situations. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

odb,

I just read your other thread about your husband & now I am reading this one......Why haven't you left yet?

You have mentioned how he is an alcoholic & is verbally & emotionally abusive. Now with this new thread, your husband is also sexualy abusing you. If he knows you don't like it, he knows he is hurting you during the act, & he still does it?!? Please call the National Sexual Abuse Hotline 800-656-HOPE. Talk to a counselor there & get all of the help you need. What your husband is doing is NOT normal.


----------



## odb (Oct 29, 2014)

Maybe there is some misunderstanding. I said 3-4 times a week right now. No, that is not extreme. It has been before where it is multiple times a day and that wasn't good enough. I said 3-4 times a week now trying to get the point across that its not a once a month thing or he never gets it. I said in the past being woken from my sleep to give a little history. This has been told to him multiple times that is not okay with me. Last night, however, I was wide awake, I gave no consent, I tried to fight him off in fact and after losing that battle I just laid there and let him finish doing what he was going to do anyways, with tears rolling down my face feeling trying to just numb any emotion/pain I was feeling. It was a power thing for him I know this but that's not the only thing it was for me. Why have I stayed or do I allow this? I've tried to get out, believe me; however, there's a fight in itself and I just got worn down and at that point it was easier to just give in. We have kids, its not a cut and dried issue.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

odb said:


> Maybe there is some misunderstanding. I said 3-4 times a week right now. No, that is not extreme. It has been before where it is multiple times a day and that wasn't good enough. I said 3-4 times a week now trying to get the point across that its not a once a month thing or he never gets it. I said in the past being woken from my sleep to give a little history. *This has been told to him multiple times that is not okay with me. Last night, however, I was wide awake, I gave no consent, I tried to fight him off in fact and after losing that battle I just laid there and let him finish doing what he was going to do anyways, with tears rolling down my face feeling trying to just numb any emotion/pain I was feeling.* It was a power thing for him I know this but that's not the only thing it was for me. Why have I stayed or do I allow this? I've tried to get out, believe me; however, there's a fight in itself and I just got worn down and at that point it was easier to just give in. We have kids, its not a cut and dried issue.


OMG, now we're talking rape. Please call the Sexual Abuse Hotline, they will help you get the information you need to get out of this situation. Please....do it for you, do it for your CHILDREN. You don't have to be in this situation, take your power back & stop letting this man abuse you the way he does.

Please call the National Sexual Abuse Hotline 800-656-HOPE.


----------



## UserNameAgain (Nov 5, 2014)

Good enough for you DoF? 
Oh wait, did he leave any bruises? There have to be bruises ya know or it doesn't count./sarc


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Call the hotline. Now.

Get some perspective from people who truly are aware of all facets of the problem.
I promise it will be an eye opening call.


----------



## odb (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks, I will give them a call. I didn't know there was even a hotline to deal with such a topic.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

odb said:


> Thanks, I will give them a call. I didn't know there was even a hotline to deal with such a topic.


YES!!!!! Do it now!!!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

DoF said:


> Clearly he is BEGGING YOU to do so.


No, he isn't begging. He's raping. Abusing. And then raping some more.

Completely unacceptable.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening odb
That is rape. This is not any sort of grey area. It is your choice on whether or not to call the police, but you should leave this rapist immediately. 

Personally I would recommend you call the police, but I understand that that is a very difficult thing to do.



odb said:


> M Last night, however, I was wide awake, I gave no consent, I tried to fight him off in fact and after losing that battle I just laid there and let him finish doing what he was going to do anyways, with tears rolling down my face feeling trying to just numb any emotion/pain I was feeling.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Dof
from her later post it clearly was rape. 

In general though someone can consent to sex while asleep if they want to. They can at some point let their partner know that being sexually touched while asleep is OK. Its fine with me and I've told my wife that.

Someone can also tell their partner that it is NOT OK. 

If nothing has been discussed, then it is a fuzzy area that depends on a lot of other details about the relationship. 



DoF said:


> How would that work exactly? hehe
> 
> .


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

This is not an HD person, it's abuse and its offensive. His domination and demeaning treatment should be shocking to all of us. To Dof, if this was your daughter, would you think it was fine. 

She should go to a counselor or batter woman's shelter and figure a way to get out of there. I think she is sufficiently scared of him that she is engaged is sex because he will become angry. It's just a horrible story, and for those who periodically advocate women becoming more flexible and mutual accommodation, we do not mean this woman. It's just horrible what's happening to her.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

OP my heart bleeds for you.... please seek safety and professional help, you are in a soul crushing environment and so are your kids.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You need to call the cops and have him arrested after last night.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Again, TO HIM, intimacy is ULTIMATE WAY TO EXPRESS LOVE. He wants to be loved each and every day......what's wrong with that?
> 
> Denying him intimacy or not wanting to be intimate = intimate negligence which is as bad if not worst than cheating.
> 
> .


No, to him sex is a way to gain power and control by making her hurt, uncomfortable and confused. It's not about needs and intimacy or he wouldn't be purposefully hurting a woman while she cries and wants it to stop.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

wow DoF.

you pretty much glossed over all the parts where the OP felt like she was trapped, feels too embarrassed and powerless to speak out, and made it clear that what her husband was doing was NOT ok with her. she physically tried to fight him off, while in a drug induced stupor, and felt completely violated. 

you are STILL on the fence about the whole rape thing? you astound me with your complete lack of empathy for the OPs feelings. you are basically telling her to shut up and take it because she deserves it, or if she doesnt she is somehow a wife who doesnt care about her husband. 

do you really believe this or are you just trying to defend your incredibly insensitive statements? the crap you stated is the very reason so few people speak up about sexual assault. 

let me ask you something, should we ignore privates in the infantry when they show up and their superiors put them in humiliating situations and sexually assault them? cuz you know, its part of the whole initiation thing right? how can we build a good team if we dont humiliate the guys coming into it. its normal man, everyone goes through it. 

yeah, your logic makes just as much sense. 

wrong is wrong dude, man up and call it what it is.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

justtired said:


> omg, now we're talking rape. Please call the sexual abuse hotline, they will help you get the information you need to get out of this situation. Please....do it for you, do it for your children. You don't have to be in this situation, take your power back & stop letting this man abuse you the way he does.
> 
> Please call the national sexual abuse hotline 800-656-hope.


800-656-hope


----------



## IvyGirl (Aug 26, 2014)

It doesn't matter if he's your husband, he has absolutely no right to treat you this way. Call the hotline.

I repeat - CALL THE HOTLINE.

They can put you in touch with groups who protect abused women. And this is definitely abuse. They can help you and your kids get out.

And please, disregard any earlier comments from DoF. That is not the way other people will see this situation.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I've cleaned up the thread. Some posts were offensive and a few quoted the offensive posts so those were deleted as well. A time out was handed out. Now back to giving advice to the OP...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Covered you in prayer this morning OP.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

odb said:


> and that wasn't good enough.


Ugggggg.

ODB - I really hope you seek the help others have advised you to get. Call the shelters/advice lines or leave. If you're still wondering whether to or not, PLEASE consider the following. 


Your husband is a physical and emotional abuser. A bully.

- He thrives and feels joy at your subjugation, misery and tears.

- You will NEVER be pretty enough. 

- You will NEVER be sexy enough.

- Any sex you provide will NEVER be good enough.

- Any sex he takes will NEVER be good enough.

- Your child rearing will NEVER be good enough.

- Your cooking will NEVER be good enough.

- Everything you say will NEVER be good enough.

- Everything you do will NEVER be good enough.

- If he ever gives you a glimmer of hope that something you just did WAS good enough, it'll be a ruse to lure you into another misery so he can watch your desperate hope be dashed again. That AROUSES him. 

(nearly) everybody in your threads is giving you good, solid advice - get help, call a helpline, get out - but it's not infinite. How many times do you need to be told the same things?

You tell us we need to consider the effect of a break-up on your kids and we do. BUT, it seems that you, and you alone, are failing to see the effect that staying there has on them. If they are witnessing just a small fraction of your husband's abuse, it's too much. By subjecting them to that - even stuff like him telling you his dinner isn't warm enough - the steady accumulation of put-downs damages them,, perhaps for life. Your ongoing inability to extract them from that makes you complicit in their abuse - and a poor parent. You need to remove yourself and them from that unhealthy environment.

Please,, ACT! If not for you, for your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

One more thing.

Has it occurred to you that maybe you keep asking for help here because it's the only place you receive genuine love, affection and support?

I hope you feel you do, but you really need to find some in the real world too.

You will NEVER get it from your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

unfortunately, children learn to accept this kind of abuse when they grow up thinking it is normal. 

OP, your not crazy. you ARE good enough. your husband is choosing to try to convince you that you arent. now, he could change if he had a strong enough of a wake up call, but change for someone like him takes years and years. he has way too many demons bottled up inside of him and he is taking it out on you. he has decided that you are to blame for all of his insecurities, and in turn has twisted his own mind into believing that you deserve it. and thus he tries to convince you that you deserve it too. 

he will do whatever he can to keep you there, because he is so miserable that he hates himself. but, since he has decided to blame you for hating himself, he will continue to abuse you. until he becomes a person that he can look in the mirror and love, he will always treat you this way and will completely ignore YOUR feelings. he shut off empathy because he would be screaming in agony if he FELT what he was doing to you. 

he will never change as long as he has someone to blame and punish for his own hatred of himself. you cannot help him if you are there to receive that punishment. the only way you can help him is to leave him with nobody to punish but himself. 


so if i were you, i would get out as fast as you can, any way you can, and demand that he start seeking counseling. im saying this because i know its a very hard thing for you to think about accusing him of rape and seeing the family fall apart. and because you still care about him. 

but he is dying inside and you cannot help him while you are there. he may never seek help, but its certain that he WONT as long as he has you to punish. 

please leave. its what EVERYONE in your family NEEDS.


----------



## odb (Oct 29, 2014)

As'laDain - You hit that on the head. 

And the reason I asked on here was because it is anonymous, people don't know me in person. It is a difficult topic that is embarrassing to even talk about with my closest friends. I was just wanting a little insight from someone not involved in any way because obviously my judgment has been clouded over the years on what is right and what is wrong. My "normal" hasn't been normal, per se.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There are many of us who know exactly what you mean... I am one of them. I was forced to accept abuse as normal growing up.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you call the hotline?


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> There are many of us who know exactly what you mean... I am one of them. I was forced to accept abuse as normal growing up.


Sigh......me too.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are there any other areas in which he tries to control things?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening odb
just so you know, most marriages are NOT like this. Even most troubled marriages are not like this. People have issues with money, or with poor sex lives, but no one should every live in fear of being raped by their husband. 

Leave. Find someone who actually loves you. 





odb said:


> As'laDain - You hit that on the head.
> 
> And the reason I asked on here was because it is anonymous, people don't know me in person. It is a difficult topic that is embarrassing to even talk about with my closest friends. I was just wanting a little insight from someone not involved in any way because obviously my judgment has been clouded over the years on what is right and what is wrong. My "normal" hasn't been normal, per se.


----------

