# Should I reconcile?



## AspieWife123

*HELP: Married to an Aspergers husband + LIES*

I don’t know what to do about My Husband. We met online and had a whirlwind romance, several trips abroad to visit each other, a month vacation/Christmas with my family and married all within 5 months. I was with the love of my life… Now bumping up against our 2-year wedding anniversary, I feel like he is not the one for me. 

He isn’t what he seemed when we met. Or maybe I just could not see him for what he was. How can I feel so much love towards him and yet want to separate myself from him like this. He had a boyish curiosity that at first I found charming. I soon realized that charming was the wrong word. He was a boy. Delays on trips, or losing at a game would spark outbursts of anger or episodes of full disassociation. He started walking around with a constant chip on his shoulder, rudely treating shop attendants, having embarrassing anger at machines that weren’t working or traffic. His Ego began to crush us, he is so narcissistic and he can’t be wrong about anything. Denying things that were plain as day in front of him. His viewpoints were closed and cannot relate to the world, regularly making shallow, judgmental and even racist/sexist remarks/ views. Although I new he was I bit of an introvert and nerdy (Programmer), when we were dating he seemed to really enjoy the travel we shared and being around, I never heard him say anything in such poor taste and neither had my family. Post wedding, he NEVER wants to go out anywhere or see anybody, the friends he spoke of were no where to be found. When we did venture into the world or manage to have friends or family visit, he would act out in some way, or cheat at the games, or say inappropriate things. As a highly educated anthropologist, with a spark for culture, travel and understanding this was all coming in as a shock to me. Where was this when we were dating? we had these same types of situations and conversations and he seemed fine…We would have massive fights, he would say he didn’t know why and make lavish promises to do better and to change, or alternatively he would just deny everything or that he did nothing wrong at all, or did not cheat when we all saw him do it. I never knew which man to expect, the apologetic one who wants to right his wrongs, or the ego jerk who is never wrong and will fight to the death even in the face of evidence or confrontation. Even when the nicer version shows, there would be no follow through with behavioral changes, it was all lip service.

He has and incredibly tragic upbringing, and was never brought up right (orphan), he has huge emotional and developmental traumas (parents were drunks and died), These are some of the things that my heart fell in love with. He was so strong to make it through those things and still be so loving towards me. He also Has MS, it is a milder version for now anyway, and has not impacted us greatly at this time and has the potential to. This I was fully aware of when we met and I loved him anyways. His past in combination with all of the social, marital and behavioral problems, I convinced him to go see a therapist. He only went once a month and sometimes came home saying that he didn’t think he needed it. His behavior did not change.

A few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Asperger’s to explain a lot of the social behavioral issues, but it is on top of all his other ****, co-occurring disorders with trauma, and early childhood abuse, and MS. I was becoming so overwhelmed with everything, as I started to read about NT-AS partnerships. Reading story after story of how wives of AS partners feel empty and lonely, without understanding or affection in there lives, no lively banter between partners, taking the lead on all stressful situation because the partner can’t handle it, 80% divorce rates…my hope began to drain and my frustrations elevated. Is there anything positive out there! I began to feel like the marriage was ending. I would get bursts of hope and love, and I would think back to the endless hours we spent talking and how wonderful and supportive he was as I recounted tragedies in my life. We had bonded and I loved and trusted this person, he is my husband after all. So, we began to look into couple’s therapists and support groups. Just when it felt like we might be gaining some traction and reaching into his issues, the lie came out… not because he told me but because I found out. 

The major lie is as follows:

Many of the reasons our relationship moved so quickly is because I was made to feel as if he was emotionally, physically, generally willing/available to be in a serious relationship. We talked at length about our values, our goals/dreams, our histories our romantic partners, our fears, EVERYTHING. We were long distance so the conversation was all we had for weeks at a time, and we were never not talking. Falling asleep with the skype screen on. I felt like I new him and his circumstances well. He presented himself as a career man ( IT worker makes a good salary) who was ready for a family, who wanted life and love particularly due to his orphan hood, he has no living family. 

When we met, he told me he had been single for a year. He had a nice apartment in the city and was living with a Flat mate (female) all of which I saw/met over skype. He and his roommate did not get along at all! When I asked about her and what was going on, he told me that she was an old friend and was stiffing him on the bills. Essentially, they had met a few years prior online playing WOW. He was relocating counties (to UK), which is where she lived and she offered to help him out finding an apartment. She would gather the deposit money from her family (which he paid back promptly) and get the proper documentation to rent a place, if in exchange he gave her 2 months’ free rent. And then they would move forward as regular flat mates with equal bill. A year passed and she never paid anything, which was about the time he and I met and I saw how poorly they got along. Through my encouragement he kicked her out. Shortly after I came to visit him in his home (he had already been to mine and met my family), the home we would come to share together. Now because of my trust issues from my ****ty pants past I asked him on multiple occasion while we were still dating about the nature of his relationship with his flat mate and he always vehemently defended that they were and always had been just friends/flat mates. 

So, when I was in the process of moving in after our wedding (almost 2 yrs ago) it came as a surprise when I discovered a greeting card that congratulated him on his engagement to his flat mate! I confronted him with it and he immediately began laughing, grabbed the card from my hand and told me that when he and her had first moved in together one of her relatives mistook the nature of the relationship and accidentally sent this card, oh how funny it was he said. It seemed strange, but as newlyweds I wanted to believe him, and did. We moved forward. It stuck with me though, and there were a few times when I would occasionally ask if he was sure that’s all it was, and he would reassure me.

Now fast forward to the present, about 2 weeks ago I got a letter in the mail that changed everything. Ever since his flat mate moved out, he has been pursuing the owed money. It is a years worth of half the rent, bills, etc so its is a substantial amount. She had bee evading his contact and requests for payment plans or some sort of deal and he eventually threatened legal action to get the money back. So she lawyered up and sent a letter to us. I opened it and it proceeded to describe the history of them knowing each other. The letter informs me that they had met on WOW, and then entered into a romantic relationship. Then she moved to his country and they lived together for almost 2 years, and were engaged. It tells me how they moved here to this apartment together and that her, and her family were confused why he wanted the money because he was supporting her during that time, it documented that their relationship deteriorated and that is when he met me and pursued me. He was not single when I met him! He was still in the backlash of a previous engagement! I know this stuff is “technically before he met me” but she was there in our house, I waved at her and ****. And that was his ex fiancée. He Lied bold face about who she was and who they were for 2 years, and actively covered it up with the greeting card. When I read that letter my heart broke. Frankly, If when we had met online he said that he was still living with his ex fiancée and they were all wrapped up in money issues, I would have pumped the breaks or said hey man that seems a bit messy, sort that **** first then maybe we will talk. We were in different countries. Instead he told me single for a year living with a pal. Those are two different picture.

I confronted him on the letter. He admitted to the relationship and the engagement but maintained that the romantic relationship ended before the relocation here. He began to tell me that they did live together as fiancée in his country but then the relationship ended and she left back to UK. Then 5 months later he sells his apartment and she offers to help him find a place and the rest of his original story is true. He said that’s how he was able to lie, that he told me he had never had sexual relations with his flat mate, and during the time that they were flat mates statement was true ( scary ****ed up logic right?. I did not believe for a second that two people who were engaged for a year could live together without something happening. He told me I was wrong. I was really mad, and hurt and betrayed and all those things you feel when someone you love lies. 

I packed my bags and began taking down posters and pictures, and pulling my suitcases out of storage. I called my family and friends and they were all shocked. They did however advise me to slow down. This was my marriage, I had just come on quite a lot of news, don’t make a rash choice or a big decision that changes both your lives while you are angry and crying and flipping out. So I agreed. He left the house for a few nights and I ready the guest room for his return after the cool down, our life was on pause. We booked in for couple’s therapy and I demanded he up his personal therapy to once a week instead of once a month. How could all this be happening on top of al the other issues we were facing, the MS, the Asperger’s, the Ego, the anger, and now LIES. 

In light of everything he went into major apology mode. He has begun admitting to faults that he has NEVER admitted to, very articulately taking accountability for a thousand things in our relationship that he has done wrong. Says he is having an awakening and he made a horrible mistake in the beginning to tell the lie and felt like he had no choice but to maintain it, but that was it that is the only thing. He loves me desperately and is here and wants to make this work. He is saying he is ready and willing to do anything. Over the last few weeks ( it has been 3 weeks 4 days since I opened the letter, we are in separate rooms, no physical contact) he has gone above and beyond with dinners and outing and things that I have literally been begging him to do since we first got hitched ( which is hard for introverted Asperger’s). 

a few nights ago I told him that I still did not believe he was telling me the whole truth about the Ex. I did not believe that they had no relations while they were here and that it made more sense that they were together. He maintained and maintained that was not the case. But I did not back down, I even made it sound like I had some kind of evidence and then after 30 min of lying directly to my face he came out with it, they had slept together, but of course this time he tells me it was just in the beginning, and they really were long over when I cam along. I have no idea what to believe or how to feel. How can this be the same man that I fell for and made me feel so safe and loved. He did not cheat as this was all directly before we met, but I feel like he drastically manipulated the circumstances under which we met and fell in love. I feel cheated.

Before the lie I was doubting things, we had so many struggles, and now this. I feel like He is on his own team. His personality and social skills are adolescent. He has Asperger’s, he manipulates, he has trauma and anger issues, he has MS. He is sweet and kind and I believe he has tried his best for me. I am empty. Drained by his prescience. Constantly perplexed as to how he wooed me. All I saw was love. Nothing else, just the love, Deep and burning for me. I could not help but warm myself beside it. I did not know I would be left with a child creating the shadow of a man. I thought he was a regular guy, a little shy/quirky and a little introverted, but wicked smart. He has no ability to relate to me, emotionally/intellectually stimulate me. Some how it all piled up and I find myself struggling to know who he is, what is true, or how I feel. 

In the meanwhile he stares at me with his puppy dog eyes and tells me how confused and sorry he is how he want our dream of family to still be true, and is showing me with behavior that he Is doing things he has not done in past. He wants to show me that he is that man I met and he hates who he has become and he does not want to treat me these ways. I don’t know what to do…..I feel like I don’t want to run away from my true love , but with the problems and the lies I don’t see how I can stay. I am so upset and confused, I don’t want to give up on good love , deep love …or am I in la la land thinking that those aspects of our life together were even real…. Any comments or advice are welcome!!!!


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## 3Xnocharm

*Re: HELP: Married to an Aspergers husband + LIES*

Staying with a liar is never worth it. Run away!


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## jld

Get out now. Seriously.


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## She'sStillGotIt

You got scammed by a lying lunatic because you were so desperate for 'love' that you refused to take off the rose-colored glasses you've been wearing since *Day #1*.

You made a mistake because you were desperate to have someone - _ANYONE_ - in your life.

You chose horribly. That's what usually happens when you pick people on the internet. You only see what they WANT you to see.

Learn from it so you don't make the same mistake next time.

Why ANYONE would stay with this guy is just beyond me. Admit you made a colossal mistake and move on.


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## 225985

If you knew all this before you married him, you would not have married. 

If you stay it will never get better than this. More likely it will get worse.


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## kingsman

He's still lying to you and only giving you the minimum "what it takes to get you off his back" truth.

That- by itself is enough for you to dump him.

He screwed up, he had the opportunity to make it right and he hasn't stepped up.


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## 225985

AW123, the way your wrote your post you will get 100% of the responses telling you to leave him. But you already knew that.

What is keeping you in the marriage?


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## EleGirl

AspieWife123,

You had 3 threads, all on the exact same topic. Merged all three into this one thread.


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## AspieWife123

i just tried to write the post from the most honest and authentic place i could. It represents how I feel, and the thoughts that have most strongly been in my head..... 

I think the thought of losing someone who I love. When he is being "good" He listens to me, makes me feel safe, loved and cared for. He supports me financially, and has been there for me when i have struggled with my eating disorder, caring for me and helping me get on track. Before I knew about the lie, i viewed him as profoundly sensitive, wanting and needing my love and care in the same way i needed his. The things in the original post are all there, right along side it. His behaviour has been unpredictable and unsavoury, our attempts at counselling have uncovered his trauma and his Aspergers which were unknown to me at the start. Then there is the whole vows and marriage for life, and i obviously didn't think divorce in less than 2 yrs. when i said "I do", I don't want to throw away something good if i am mad/hurt. Forgiveness is part of marriage, i just dont have a sense for the realistic boundaries within that. Which is where i was hoping to get some perspective here. Because he is acting so willing towards change, seeing his therapists, sitting in the evenings with self help books, making more social plans etc ( for the 3 weeks since the letter and the in house separation). I am trying to wrap my head around what has been going on as well as the betrayal. Head vs. Heart. Head says your 30 with no kids, run! Heart says compassion, forgiveness, support your husband......


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## EleGirl

How old are the two of you?

You fell into a trap that a lot of people do. When we first meet someone and fall in love, it causes our brain to produce and uptake large amounts of feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, etc. Thus we enter into a euphoric state that we call "in-love" or infatuation. During that time we see our loved one through some very thick rose colored glasses. Basically we only see the good and make excuses for anything that is less than wonderful. It's a wonderful high that let's us live in a lovely la la land. This period of "in-love" usually lasts for 18 to 24 months. This is natures way to bind a couple together so that they will stay together long enough to make a baby and get through the baby's first few months.

It's also can be a very mean trick that your mind plays on us. After that 18-24 month period, the level of feel good chemicals reduce down to much more normal levels. We call that a more mature kind of love. But what happens in situations like yours is that suddenly the rose colored glasses disappear and you see the real person that you married.

The long-distant nature of your early relationship made it even easier for your brain to create and maintain the fantasy. You say that you thought you really knew him because you two talked all the time via skype, etc. Something I learned from my own experience with a long distance relationship with lots of talking over the phone, skype, etc is that people often pretend to be who they think you want them to be and the media makes it very easy for them to create that fantasy. Sure, he presented his best self, or even a false self that he thought was what you wanted. But you also filled in what was missing. This is very common with long distance, over the inter-net and phone, type relationships. It’s all a fantasy.

Between your rose colored glasses and him creating/presenting his best self to you, you were sucked into a relationship with a guy who really did not exist. Sure, there was a physical body there. But the character of the guy is, as you have said, a fantasy. You are now seeing who he really is. And your rose colored glasses are clearly gone.

Long distance romances seldom work. They are not a basis for marriage. And even worse, marrying someone after only 5 months is not a good plan. Marriage should not happen until after the 18-24 month in-love/infatuation period is long gone. 

Don’t beat yourself up too much for getting suckered in. I’ve been there. A lot of people have. Instead recognize what happened and be wiser in the future.

What you need to do now is to forget who you thought him to be. Instead look at who he is and decide if this is the man and the marriage for you. 
Can you live with what you know about him now? Can you love him for who he really is? 

Can you accept that you will never know the whole truth about his relationship with that other woman? Can you trust that he will not lie about something that big again?


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## 225985

AspieWife123 said:


> I think the thought of losing someone who I love. When he is being "good" He listens to me, makes me feel safe, loved and cared for. *He supports me financially,* and *has been there for me when i have struggled with my eating disorder*, caring for me and helping me get on track. Before I knew about the lie, i viewed him as profoundly sensitive, wanting and needing my love and care in the same way i needed his. The things in the original post are all there, right along side it. *His behaviour has been unpredictable and unsavoury, our attempts at counselling have uncovered his trauma and his Aspergers which were unknown to me at the start*. Then there is the whole vows and marriage for life, and i obviously *didn't think divorce in less than 2 yrs*. when i said "I do", I don't want to throw away something good if i am mad/hurt. Forgiveness is part of marriage, i just dont have a sense for the realistic boundaries within that. Which is where i was hoping to get some perspective here. Because he is acting so willing towards change, seeing his therapists, sitting in the evenings with self help books, making more social plans etc ( for the 3 weeks since the letter and the in house separation). I am trying to wrap my head around what has been going on as well as the betrayal. Head vs. Heart. Head says your 30 with no kids, run! Heart says* compassion, forgiveness, support *your husband......


I get you AW. You are torn between loyalty and self-preservation. Consider some of these

1) Your decision to stay in the marriage should be based on want, not need. If he supports you financially, and if you do not have a medical/health issue, you need to become financially independent of him. That is just good advice we give everyone and it is especially important in your case.

2) You need to separate the one time events from the recurring events. He lied about the status of his previous relationship. If that is a deal breaker, then leave. If not, then reconcile that with him. But you must make sure his lies about anything else do not continue. You will not accept continual or future lying. That has to be a deal breaker.

3) Yes, he helped you with your eating disorder. But that in itself does not bind you to him forever. He have helped him as much as he has helped you.

4) The length of the marriage, either short or long, should not affect the decision to separate. Would you rather put in 10, 20, 27 years before you call it quits? Two years is not much time. I probably have stuff in my refrigerator older than your marriage. :|

5) Marriage is not a scorecard. Yes, it has good and bad times and your spouse is both good and bad. But remember the good does not always cancel out the bad. If you have enough bad in the marriage, there can never be enough good to make up for it. You need to decide what you are willing to endure, and for how long. 

You don't have to make any decisions today or tomorrow or the next. But you have homework to do. Get financially independent. Get a life that does not depend on him. Read your own self help books. Continue controlling your eating disorder. Work on your health. Get to they gym or do some other exercise. I am 50 and I am still doing my homework. It never ends. You will be better for it.


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## turnera

Tell him you will be moving out and he will have two years to show you that he means it about the change. If he sticks around for those two years, doesn't backtrack, stays focused on winning you back and not lying, maybe you have a chance. But as long as you stay together, he has no need to finally change.

And he MUST stay in regular therapy for you to even begin to consider reconciling.


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## AspieWife123

He is 28, and I am 29. I feel like I can get over the contents of his lies, i mean i did not expect him not to have a life before he met me, I did however expect him to accurately and honestly disclose who he was. He never talked about an engagement to anyone, even though i asked specifically. He has lied about other small things before. Like once he was supposed to go to the dentist, and said he did and it came out months later that he didn't go out of fear and lied to me about going. He also has a bad habit of saying something is already done when really he just means to do it and it has not happened yet.

The thing holding me back most is wanting to believe that with the love and support of a good woman, and with his personal motivations that things will change and get better.Many of the things I read with people leaving ( especially folks with Aspergers partners) is that the person is in denial about diagnosis, or they refuse counselling, and such. My husband has been incredibly apologetic and willing to try and change.He REALLY wants this to work, and I worry for what will happen to him if i go. He looks like he is really putting in effort. I just don't know if i can trust that effort due to the past, and the lie etc. 

A lot of what I read has people staying for the children, no children here... Also, Although i am not financially independent, i am not limited. My parents have told me to think it though of course, but hey are more than willing to take me in and allow me to rebuild independence with them. Its like im all ready to leave and i just have this hesitation. I have spent some time telling myself this is my life, this is my marriage, make it work, i want it to work. put when i look at it plain as day it isn't working. I look at him and see someone i love and want to stay, then i remember how i have been treated. its like i want to keep everything about our life except him, and only just bad parts of him.....


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## no name

*Re: HELP: Married to an Aspergers husband + LIES*

Hi, to me, it just seems there are so many things that you don't like about him . We can't make any decisions for you. Ask yourself can you honestly accept these? Fast track yourself in 10 years time , you are now 39 with the same issues. Can you envision an honest future with him thus completely accepting who he is? If you can't accept him for who he truly is, then you won't be happy and you would have wasted 10 years more. If you can accept him completely then he is right for you. This is how I knew I found the right man for me before marrying him. I wish you luck in making the right decision. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iceblock12383

*Re: HELP: Married to an Aspergers husband + LIES*

This is one of the greatest reasons why I'm terrified about life.

That said, I know deep down that God isn't cruel to allow terrible things like this to happen. 

Lives that have sucked the worst have made the most beautiful, miraculous, and inspirational stories. 

I believe that each story is meant to be beautiful, just as each of us are meant to love God and to live righteously. Although many choose not to do their part.

The Bible has all the answers we need for this life. It gives perspective, hope, direction, and encouragement. But most importantly, it is the key to intimacy with the One Who created us and cherishes us beyond measure. The One Who came to earth to be persecuted, rejected, tortured, and crucified so that we can have eternal life, joy, and fellowship with Him. The One Who hurts with us.

(If you haven't accepted Jesus' Christ as your Savior and only Way to Heaven, then I beg you to do so.)

Humbly seek God with all your heart. Get to know Him. He'll give you strength, perspective, and direction.

I encourage you to keep eternity in mind. When you die, what will matter?







Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## btterflykisses

You need to end this and move on. I am so sorry this happened.


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## Hopeful Cynic

Yes, I know you've made your decision as I came here from your other thread. I'm just putting in comments as they may be helpful to you and others.



AspieWife123 said:


> He is 28, and I am 29. I feel like I can get over the contents of his lies, i mean i did not expect him not to have a life before he met me, I did however expect him to accurately and honestly disclose who he was. He never talked about an engagement to anyone, even though i asked specifically. He has lied about other small things before. Like once he was supposed to go to the dentist, and said he did and it came out months later that he didn't go out of fear and lied to me about going. He also has a bad habit of saying something is already done when really he just means to do it and it has not happened yet.


Is he still lying about these small things, even while he's trying to change? Each little lie is like a small betrayal, a small manipulation.

Think of it this way. You fell in love with the man you THOUGHT he was. Now, you find out that was a charade. The man you thought you had doesn't exist. Now, you are getting to know this new guy, and he's not a good husband.



AspieWife123 said:


> The thing holding me back most is wanting to believe that with the love and support of a good woman, and with his personal motivations that things will change and get better.Many of the things I read with people leaving ( especially folks with Aspergers partners) is that the person is in denial about diagnosis, or they refuse counselling, and such. My husband has been incredibly apologetic and willing to try and change.He REALLY wants this to work, and I worry for what will happen to him if i go. He looks like he is really putting in effort. I just don't know if i can trust that effort due to the past, and the lie etc.


Consider his efforts to change to be good practice for him to be better in his next relationship. But you don't need to stick around.

See above about the charade. Even if he does change, you have no idea if he'll grow to really become that role, or if he'll become someone completely different again.

You do not have the man you thought you married. That's reason enough not to stay married.



AspieWife123 said:


> A lot of what I read has people staying for the children, no children here... Also, Although i am not financially independent, i am not limited. My parents have told me to think it though of course, but hey are more than willing to take me in and allow me to rebuild independence with them. Its like im all ready to leave and i just have this hesitation. I have spent some time telling myself this is my life, this is my marriage, make it work, i want it to work. put when i look at it plain as day it isn't working. I look at him and see someone i love and want to stay, then i remember how i have been treated. its like i want to keep everything about our life except him, and only just bad parts of him.....


He looks like the man you thought you had. But it's a costume. Now that you've seen the truth, there's no going back. You want the dream of the man you thought you married back again. But he doesn't exist now, never existed in the first place, and he's unlikely to ever become that man no matter how hard he works.

Honestly, leaving is best. If he keeps working on himself and shows great strides (that aren't lies) and you do like the person he's becoming (and you trust it as being real and lasting change) then there's time for reconciliation later. Or, you may find someone better that you trust.


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