# Actions Leading To My Wife Feels Disrespected and Unloved



## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

Good evening. I have not been on this site for a few years. 

Our relationship has improved through both of us making positive changes. It has been a long journey to get to a point where our marriage is 80/20 good. Unfortunately, the way I show love to my wife is deficient and causes problems. 

For example, my wife has been asking me to surprise her with a bouquet of flowers. She has been asking for five years. I promised to do so but I never did. My wife bought herself flowers. She also feels like the surprise has been ruined because she had to ask for so long. I had the same apathetic attitude towards planning dates. Consequently, my wife feels unloved. She thinks romance should be organic rather than asked for several times and for many years. I admit that I have always had a problem with being romantic. In my other thread on this forum, I detailed how I ruined the marriage proposal as well as our wedding night. 

I have a tendency to make inappropriate and embarrassing jokes in front of others. My wife is very annoyed by this. I was doing an old "husband and wife" bit in front of my brother-in-law when he was visiting two weeks ago. My wife and I typically tell each other where we're going when we leave the house. I was going to run some errands and my wife asked me where I was going. I curtly responded "Out." twice. My wife was confused and asked me a third time. I snapped at her "I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHERE I'M GOING!" and then I mooned my wife. She was humiliated by the way I spoke to her in front of her brother and aghast that I showed my posterior when there was a guest present. My wife told me that she finds it hard to respect me as an adult when I act like a child. 

When my wife has a problem with me, she is initially very open and honest in a respectful way. The problem is I often promise my wife that I will change and then I do not. The flowers are one example. My wife then loses patience with me and starts shouting. I have often taken months or even years to follow through and it leads to huge arguments with my wife. She feels like I don't care how she feels and it stresses her out to have to ask a million times for small things. 

How can I heal our marriage and make my wife feel like I love and respect her?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You mooned your wife and barked at her in front of company? 

Ok, aside from how shocked I am from that, you know what she wants why don't you just do it? Put reminders on your phone if you have to.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

And be lucky she is even with you at all. Between this thread and your other, I'd be done. 110% done. 
You've been physically abusive, neglecting, don't do the very basic, simple things she asks for for years, embarrassing her in front of family (had that been my brothers they'd be helping me pack), snap at her. 

You don't love and respect her. If you did you wouldn't treat her this way.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

Reading this and your other thread, it sounds like you need to do some self healing before you can heal your marriage. Have you tried therapy? Your wife clearly loves you, otherwise she would have run for the hills years ago. Talk to her and tell her your intent to change and improve, both for you and for her sake. Then, take action, deal with your demons that make you act like this. To me, it sounds like you have bad anxiety which causes you to say and do awkward things, and use drugs and alcohol. Deal with that first, but let your wife know that you are making the effort. Don't just say it! You need to DO it.

And for f- sake buy your wife some damn flowers. Actually, do that tonight, and when you give them to her, apologize for your actions leading up to this, remind her how much you love and appreciate her, and that you are going to make changes. Make a list of things you intend to change, and ask her to help you complete the list. Then start making the changes! It sounds like your wife is a reasonable woman, she'll appreciate it.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Solution
Stop it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You ARE a huge child.
No wonder she is getting fed up.
Fortunately for you, she seems to have had a high tolerance for your behavior and your seeming lack of care in the relationship. But that only goes so far. Every woman has her threshold. Looks like you've gone past tilt.

There's not much you can do now, but you can put in a concerted effort. Be patient and be prepared to do it consistently for at LEAST half a year before she believes you're sincere.

A garden will wither and die if you don't water it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree, there is no quick fix to this mess. 
It'll take a lot to restore respect. You need to make consistent, permanent changes. You can't just buy flowers one time. 

Why did you think it was ok to snap at her for asking where you were going? In front of her family? And mooning her? How does that even enter in your mind? My children wouldn't even do that. My husband would be kicked out right that second. 

She's going to be a walkaway wife. She's going to stop complaining and you'll think things are fine. They aren't. She'll be done and readying to leave you. 

You need to get it in your head that you can never act that way again. Ever. 
And consistently plan weekly date nights and romance.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your wife seems to have communicated what she needs from you. Is there a reason you don't desire to meet these needs? Does she ignore you or your needs?

Either way I'm sure you understand your yelling at her and mooning was wholly inappropriate. So why are you trying to sabotage your marriage?


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You mooned your wife and barked at her in front of company?
> 
> Ok, aside from how shocked I am from that, you know what she wants why don't you just do it? Put reminders on your phone if you have to.


Yes, regrettably I sometime take the joke to far and this one was way over the line.
I have started slowly to make romantic gestures and I accept it will take a long time before me wife will feel they are organic.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

anastasia6 said:


> Your wife seems to have communicated what she needs from you. Is there a reason you don't desire to meet these needs? Does she ignore you or your needs?
> 
> Either way I'm sure you understand your yelling at her and mooning was wholly inappropriate. So why are you trying to sabotage your marriage?


Yes, she has been clear about her needs. She does not ignore my needs.
Yes, I understand that it was but I take the joke too far and over the line. I don't think I am setting out to ruin my marriage as it is not the intent but I can see how my actions are a real issue.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

StuckInLove said:


> Reading this and your other thread, it sounds like you need to do some self healing before you can heal your marriage. Have you tried therapy? Your wife clearly loves you, otherwise she would have run for the hills years ago. Talk to her and tell her your intent to change and improve, both for you and for her sake. Then, take action, deal with your demons that make you act like this. To me, it sounds like you have bad anxiety which causes you to say and do awkward things, and use drugs and alcohol. Deal with that first, but let your wife know that you are making the effort. Don't just say it! You need to DO it.
> 
> And for f- sake buy your wife some damn flowers. Actually, do that tonight, and when you give them to her, apologize for your actions leading up to this, remind her how much you love and appreciate her, and that you are going to make changes. Make a list of things you intend to change, and ask her to help you complete the list. Then start making the changes! It sounds like your wife is a reasonable woman, she'll appreciate it.


Well I have addressed my underlying issues with drugs an alcohol but it took much longer than ti should have.
I have started on the journey to ensure that I show my wife the love she deserves I know it will be a long road to repair the damage done by me.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I agree, there is no quick fix to this mess.
> It'll take a lot to restore respect. You need to make consistent, permanent changes. You can't just buy flowers one time.
> 
> Why did you think it was ok to snap at her for asking where you were going? In front of her family? And mooning her? How does that even enter in your mind? My children wouldn't even do that. My husband would be kicked out right that second.
> ...


I understand that my actions have resulted in my wife hating our relationship. There are many misdeeds that I need to fix. I need to be more mindful of my bizarre actions and stop them. Also, I need to show her romantic gestures to demonstrate my love for her, which I have been awful at in the past.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

Satya said:


> You ARE a huge child.
> No wonder she is getting fed up.
> Fortunately for you, she seems to have had a high tolerance for your behavior and your seeming lack of care in the relationship. But that only goes so far. Every woman has her threshold. Looks like you've gone past tilt.
> 
> ...


Yes, I understand that this is probably the last chance and I do not deserve anymore.
I know I need to really work hard at improving our marriage and I will do whatever it takes to ensure she feels the love that I do indeed have for her. Even though I may not have showed it in the past I do truly love her.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I agree, there is no quick fix to this mess.
> It'll take a lot to restore respect. You need to make consistent, permanent changes. You can't just buy flowers one time.
> 
> Why did you think it was ok to snap at her for asking where you were going? In front of her family? And mooning her? How does that even enter in your mind? My children wouldn't even do that. My husband would be kicked out right that second.
> ...


I have a terrible sense of humor sometime that obviously is childish on occasion. I was doing a stupid joke about the old married couple. But it went far. I know that things are not fine and there are no quick fixes. It will take a lifetime of positive actions to undue my behavior and I just hope I will have that lifetime with my wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's one thing to not be into romantic gestures like flowers and candlelight dinners etc, but you also seem to have challenges with picking up on emotional cues, understanding other people's feelings and a grasp of appropriate social behavior. 

Have you ever been screened for any kind of expressive disorder or anything like Asperger's Syndrome or mild autism or anything like that?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Unfortunately drugs and alcohol can stunt maturity and mental growth from the age you start. 

So if he started at 15 he can mentally be stuck at 15 in many ways. Yes even after they quit. I've seen it happen a few times. 

That could explain some of the childish behaviour. I have no idea how it can be fixed though. Never seen anyone "recover" from it.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> It's one thing to not be into romantic gestures like flowers and candlelight dinners etc, but you also seem to have challenges with picking up on emotional cues, understanding other people's feelings and a grasp of appropriate social behavior.
> 
> Have you ever been screened for any kind of expressive disorder or anything like Asperger's Syndrome or mild autism or anything like that?


My wife thinks that I have Asperger's and she has thought that for a long time. She has asked me repeatedly to get tested but I do not want to because I don't think I have Asperger's. Because this has been an issue for years, I have decided that I will be getting tested after all. I don't want to lose my wife.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

FrankStJohn said:


> Good evening. I have not been on this site for a few years.
> 
> Our relationship has improved through both of us making positive changes. It has been a long journey to get to a point where our marriage is 80/20 good. Unfortunately, the way I show love to my wife is deficient and causes problems.
> 
> ...


Have your wife start a thread here, we need to talk directly to her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FrankStJohn said:


> My wife thinks that I have Asperger's and she has thought that for a long time. She has asked me repeatedly to get tested but I do not want to because I don't think I have Asperger's. Because this has been an issue for years, I have decided that I will be getting tested after all. I don't want to lose my wife.


You should get tested. If you do have some kind of issue you can get treated and learn management techniques. 

If you do not, then no harm is done and then you'll know that you are just displaying insensitive and inappropriate behavior.


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

I should add that my wife has hit me. A few days after the incident where I mooned her, she asked me not to yell at her while she was ranting about her feelings. My wife felt that I had no right to yell since she is the one who was treated poorly by me first. I kept raising my voice at my wife and she smacked me in the face and head. Even though physical abuse is wrong, I still want to stay with my wife and work on our marriage. I discussed this with a friend of mine and he said "Honestly man....if I was your wife I would thump you too. You're frustrating the poor woman and you put her through a lot." 

My wife has apologized for striking me and she has taken measures to change. She knows she shouldn't have put her hands on me no matter how mad she was. We have agreed on ways to deescalate arguments such as me being affectionate when I see that my wife is getting very angry. This seems to work well so far. My wife has also agreed to stick to her exercise routine because it calms her. She has also started to attend church.


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