# Found out wife cheated 6 months before proposal



## newreality1 (Feb 24, 2017)

A little background. My wife and I had been together for 4 years, had a 3 year old. My wife (girlfriend at the time) approached me one day and said that she thought we should take a break. She suggested that I move in with my buddie. She even made me up a comfortable room at his house. I asked "does this mean you want us to see other people?". She said no, just take a break from living together and hand off our child every other weekend. I agreed and thought it would be nice for a while to have every other weekend off. So I moved out for a few months. After 4 or 5 months we decided that we wanted me to move back in and shortly afterwards I proposed and she said yes. 
This was 13 years ago.
A few months ago for some reason that part of our relationship started bugging me. One night I finally ask "our you telling me that you've never been with anyone since I've known you". She said that when I was moved out that she slept with an old boyfriend 3 times. 
After a couple of months of putting everything together this is what she did...She looked up her ex boyfriend from high school, kicked me out of our home, filled her oats, brought her sister in on it by going to party with her and this guy(maid of honor at our wedding), had his daughter and my son have sleep over, decided it wasn't where she wanted to be then when she was done had me come back. All the while stringing me along. 
I know this was a long time ago but the level of betrayal, the pre planning, the hunting down another man is unbelievable to me.
I don't know who I'm married to.
She says "god this was so long ago", "i'm sorry and would take it back if I could but you need to get over it" 
Any advice would help me.
Thanks in advance

So here is some more info. She was raging alcoholic. After we were married she was still binge drinking heavily. We were married for about 2 years when she got a new job and shortly after stopped coming home for a few days. At that point I went to the attorney and filed for divorce. I figured I was being cheated on for sure. As soon as divorce was finalized she admitted to having a relationship with a women at her work. Not very physical but emotional and this women would take care of her and buy her lunches and clothes etc. She said she was drinking every lunch and totally messed up on alcohol. She wanted regretted wanting divorce and if I would take her back she promised never to drink again. I was from a divorced family and didn't want that for my kid. So I took her back and forgave what she did. We got remarried and she hasn't had a sip of alcohol in the last 8 years. She was also diagnosed with Bi-Polar and has been on meds for the last 8 years as well. Admittedly she is a completely changed person. Pleasure to be around and she loves me to death. 
What's hard for me is the first betrayal. 
Do I chauk everything up to her drinking and bi polar? Hard to do with the level of pre planning (not on alcohol), the kicking me out of house, involving her family, involving our child, going back for 3rds....
Thanks for thoughts.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ahhh?

Normally, I would say dump her. She is not trustworthy. And she was not trustworthy.

She flagrantly cheated on you and deceived you.

She has been clean for 8 years? She says, you had better get over this?

She got over on you for the whole period, until now. Why did she open up now? She did not need to.

She could have continued the lie until death do [one of you] part.

She chose to spill her baked beans on your dinner plate.

I think she is no longer fearful of divorce. I think she is approaching the *Seven Year itch period, again. The *actual time period coincides with something that stirs her loins and wayward mind. Something stellar.

She laid it in your lap. Now you are forced to make the decision that she could not, would not.

Watch her like a Hawk. Monitor her communications, i.e., phone, computer. Check her messaging apps on her phone and computer. Check your phone bill for unknown repeat calls. Put a voice activated recorder in her car under the seat. Purchase this at Best Buy.

She is not remorseful AT ALL. She cannot be trusted with the safe keeping of her bush-master hedge hog.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There will be people on this forum able to give you good advice,better than I could.For some reason your story has really gotten to me and the level of betrayal you have suffered would be intolerable to me.If you do decide to stick together then the sister should be cut completely out of your family structure.You were the standby boyfriend,Mr reliable who will be waiting while she screws whoever she wants.You are plan B and plan B never becomes plan A.I honestly don't think I could accept this from my partner and I would move out,at least for a while.If she suggests this is abandoning her and grounds for divorce then threaten to expose her and her sister to your family and friends.Also I would not believe she only had sex three times with other men,maybe three times with him but how many other guys was she screwing while she was missing for days on end.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

lol

Nah keep her. Good luck


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

newreality1 said:


> Admittedly she is a completely changed person. Pleasure to be around and she loves me to death.
> What's hard for me is the first betrayal.
> Do I chauk everything up to her drinking and bi polar? Hard to do with the level of pre planning (not on alcohol), the kicking me out of house, involving her family, involving our child, going back for 3rds....


I chalk it up to immaturity and being bi-polar. I would be curious about why she and her ex-boyfriend stopped seeing each other again and then told you to move back in together with her. However, whatever the reason is, the past eight years is also pretty meaningful.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

She was messed up on alcohol and has been dealing with mental health issues.

Counselling to deal with the hurt and betrayal, but with 8 good years now, I think it is completely workable and forgivable if you have it in you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It may be old news to your W but is as fresh for you as the day is long. Took quite a bit of deceiving you to get at what she wanted. You were plan B.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tell her she needs to move out for a few months so that you have space to make a decision whether to attempt reconciliation or not. 

Her attitude that "you need to get over it" alone is grounds for separating.

This wasn't a ONS. She plotted to kick you out while test driving her ex. He wouldn't take her, especially with her having your kid, so she went back to you. 

Have her take a polygraph. Only three times is laughable.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

newreality1 said:


> A little background. My wife and I had been together for 4 years, had a 3 year old. My wife (girlfriend at the time) approached me one day and said that she thought we should take a break. She suggested that I move in with my buddie. She even made me up a comfortable room at his house. I asked "does this mean you want us to see other people?". She said no, just take a break from living together and hand off our child every other weekend. I agreed and thought it would be nice for a while to have every other weekend off. So I moved out for a few months. After 4 or 5 months we decided that we wanted me to move back in and shortly afterwards I proposed and she said yes.
> This was 13 years ago.
> A few months ago for some reason that part of our relationship started bugging me. One night I finally ask "our you telling me that you've never been with anyone since I've known you". She said that when I was moved out that she slept with an old boyfriend 3 times.
> After a couple of months of putting everything together this is what she did...She looked up her ex boyfriend from high school, kicked me out of our home, filled her oats, brought her sister in on it by going to party with her and this guy(maid of honor at our wedding), had his daughter and my son have sleep over, decided it wasn't where she wanted to be then when she was done had me come back. All the while stringing me along.
> ...


My advice is get yourself into IC. Something is wrong that you think this is what you have settled for. You have serious co-dependency issues. You will continue to repeat the pattern, if it is not your wife it will be someone else.

She is a parasite and you are her host.


----------



## newreality1 (Feb 24, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> I chalk it up to immaturity and being bi-polar. I would be curious about why she and her ex-boyfriend stopped seeing each other again and then told you to move back in together with her. However, whatever the reason is, the past eight years is also pretty meaningful.


She realized real quick that she was ****ing up her family and was in a place she didn't want to be. As for the others questions of why she told me now, well it's because we were taking party drugs that turned out to be truth serum I guess. Should of never asked.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

This is a tough one. You basically have to consider her to be a different person from who she was back then. Have you talked to your SIL about why she went along with it? No offense, but this sounds like trailer trash crap. I'd be tempted to give my SIL hell over it. 

Your wife needs to realize how much this hurts you. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what do you want a "hall pass"? because at this point short of forgiving her that is the only thing left or divorce her again. Let's face it you messed up the first time believing her that she needed her "space", that is universal code for i want to mess around and not feel guilty...the second you messed up was remarrying her, after she cheated with the woman...i get your angry and this is fresh and new to you and her tell ing you to get over it is crap and tell her that....but if you really want to level the playing field ask for a hall pass, but i bet you in the end it will not solve your problem...the problem is she is a cheating, lying person.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

newreality1 said:


> She realized real quick that she was ****ing up her family and was in a place she didn't want to be. As for the others questions of why she told me now, well it's because we were taking party drugs that turned out to be truth serum I guess. Should of never asked.


How old was she when she asked you to move out to a friend's house and spent time again with an ex?


----------



## newreality1 (Feb 24, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> This is a tough one. You basically have to consider her to be a different person from who she was back then. Have you talked to your SIL about why she went along with it? No offense, but this sounds like trailer trash crap. I'd be tempted to give my SIL hell over it.
> 
> Your wife needs to realize how much this hurts you.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


I get why SIL went along with it. Little sister going along with whatever older sister says. Always has. But never the less she is cut out forever. Trailer trash is right. She came from f ed up family and admittedly changed for the best. She is completely afraid that i'm going to leave her. Rightfully so. My son is 16 now. It would destroy him if we split. We've been awesome for almost a decade. Think I'm going to use this as my "free pass" then when I'm done with that, bury this and live happily ever after. That's my only way forward as far as I can see. Maybe I won't stray though. Haven't made up my mind yet. Again, totally different person now. Not one drink in 8+ years and fixed with meds. If it wasn't for this I'd say I have a better wife than 99% out there. Thanks for all the input.


----------



## newreality1 (Feb 24, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> How old was she when she asked you to move out to a friend's house and spent time again with an ex?


31. together since 27 with 3 year old. And both of us were partying real hard. Way immature. Honestly my main problem is the pre planning, moving me out, etc.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

newreality1 said:


> She says "god this was so long ago", "i'm sorry and would take it back if I could but you need to get over it"


Even if it's so long ago, I don't like the level of inconsideration that she has for your feelings regarding that time.
By giving you such answers and reaction, it shows she lacks respect for you. 
Instead of apoligizing to you 100 times for breaking your trust like that...she says "get over it" and goes away with that?? I wouldn't be able to put up with that.



> So here is some more info. She was raging alcoholic. After we were married she was still binge drinking heavily. We were married for about 2 years when she got a new job and shortly after stopped coming home for a few days. At that point I went to the attorney and filed for divorce. I figured I was being cheated on for sure. As soon as divorce was finalized she admitted to having a relationship with a women at her work. Not very physical but emotional and this women would take care of her and buy her lunches and clothes etc. She said she was drinking every lunch and totally messed up on alcohol. She wanted regretted wanting divorce and if I would take her back she promised never to drink again. I was from a divorced family and didn't want that for my kid. So I took her back and forgave what she did. We got remarried and she hasn't had a sip of alcohol in the last 8 years. She was also diagnosed with Bi-Polar and has been on meds for the last 8 years as well. Admittedly she is a completely changed person. Pleasure to be around and she loves me to death.
> What's hard for me is the first betrayal.
> Do I chauk everything up to her drinking and bi polar? Hard to do with the level of pre planning (not on alcohol), the kicking me out of house, involving her family, involving our child, going back for 3rds....
> Thanks for thoughts.


So, throughout your relationship/marriage for all these years she has cheated on you at least TWICE. 
She didn't even come up to tell you about these, but you happened to find out by chance. 

What's keeping her from betraying you for the 3rd time?
How do you know she hasn't cheated on you other times meanwhile? 

She can't be trusted!! You were her back-up plan and you could still be.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

newreality1 said:


> A little background. My wife and I had been together for 4 years, had a 3 year old. My wife (girlfriend at the time) approached me one day and said that she thought we should take a break. She suggested that I move in with my buddie. She even made me up a comfortable room at his house. I asked "does this mean you want us to see other people?". She said no, just take a break from living together and hand off our child every other weekend. I agreed and thought it would be nice for a while to have every other weekend off. So I moved out for a few months. After 4 or 5 months we decided that we wanted me to move back in and shortly afterwards I proposed and she said yes.
> This was 13 years ago.
> A few months ago for some reason that part of our relationship started bugging me. One night I finally ask "our you telling me that you've never been with anyone since I've known you". She said that when I was moved out that she slept with an old boyfriend 3 times.
> After a couple of months of putting everything together this is what she did...She looked up her ex boyfriend from high school, kicked me out of our home, filled her oats, brought her sister in on it by going to party with her and this guy(maid of honor at our wedding), had his daughter and my son have sleep over, decided it wasn't where she wanted to be then when she was done had me come back. All the while stringing me along.
> ...


Jeeeeeeezus! :surprise:


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

newreality1 said:


> 31. together since 27 with 3 year old. And both of us were partying real hard. Way immature. Honestly my main problem is the pre planning, moving me out, etc.


I understand that that knowledge really is tough to deal with. Some posters advised you to divorce, and couple have suggested that you forgive. I think that you should take a close look at the past eight years. Has she shown that she really cares about you and desires you physically? She wouldn't be able to fake that for eight years. Therefore, as bad as she was nine years ago, I think the most recent eight is more significant. Her current attitude in her willingness to help you get through this is also significant.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

newreality1 said:


> I get why SIL went along with it. Little sister going along with whatever older sister says. Always has. But never the less she is cut out forever. Trailer trash is right. She came from f ed up family and admittedly changed for the best. She is completely afraid that i'm going to leave her. Rightfully so. My son is 16 now. It would destroy him if we split. We've been awesome for almost a decade. Think I'm going to use this as my "free pass" then when I'm done with that, bury this and live happily ever after. That's my only way forward as far as I can see. Maybe I won't stray though. Haven't made up my mind yet. Again, totally different person now. Not one drink in 8+ years and fixed with meds. If it wasn't for this I'd say I have a better wife than 99% out there. Thanks for all the input.


You're out of your gourd. 

Having a revenge affair will only diminish you and lower you to her level. You think she will feel bad if you do this? All it will do is give her the satisfaction of knowing you are no better than her. 

Get your head out if your azz and start thinking like an adult. If I were you I would kick her out of the bedroom. Divorce her in your mind and heart, do the 180, and then in two years when your son turns 18, follow him out the door. Divorce this bozo and never look back.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> I understand that that knowledge really is tough to deal with. Some posters advised you to divorce, and couple have suggested that you forgive. I think that you should take a close look at the past eight years. Has she shown that she really cares about you and desires you physically? She wouldn't be able to fake that for eight years. Therefore, as bad as she was nine years ago, I think the most recent eight is more significant. Her current attitude in her willingness to help you get through this is also significant.


Some people can play-act for a long time. She is a good actress.

She doesn't give a rat's azz about him. He has been her fallback plan....twice. He's there to help pay the bills and open jars for her.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Instead of apoligizing to you 100 times for breaking your trust like that...she says "get over it" and goes away with that?? I wouldn't be able to put up with that.


Somehow, I missed that part. With that knowledge, I'm less hopeful about a positive outcome. OP needs to stick to his guns because he does deserve empathy from his wife.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Her attitude is all wrong.

Still, she's right -- you need to get over it.

Divorce papers should help w/ that.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Some people can play-act for a long time. She is a good actress.
> 
> She doesn't give a rat's azz about him. He has been her fallback plan....twice. He's there to help pay the bills and open jars for her.


Yea, I wish I could take back my most recent post to the OP. Note to self: read more carefully.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> Yea, I wish I could take back my most recent post to the OP. Note to self: read more carefully.




You can go back and edit it out.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to "get over it", huh?

The only logical response to that is


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Moral: If a spouse ever requests that the other spouse move out, it is preeminently because that they want their sacred space ... so they can get their ashes hauled by some unknown third party, all in comfortable seclusion and without any prying eyes or embarrassing questions to have to answer for!

It's largely like getting to have their cake and eating it too!

Just ask my RSXW! She wrote the book on it!*


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

xMadame said:


> She was messed up on alcohol and has been dealing with mental health issues.
> 
> Counselling to deal with the hurt and betrayal, but with 8 good years now, I think it is completely workable and forgivable if you have it in you.
> 
> ...


This was going to be my initial response but I dug in my heels. I am sure that the alcohol, the bi-polar condition and anti-anxiety drugs assisted in her waywardness. 

But those things, minus the alcohol are still present. She can flip at any time. Oh, I know, she may not...God bless her.

Note: I did not specifically recommend divorce. I suggested monitoring her for life.

I also question why she admitted her cheating, this many years in. There has to be a reason. And based on her confession, all reasons are suspect.

OP needs to tell us why she confessed. We need more information.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> Yea, I wish I could take back my most recent post to the OP. Note to self: read more carefully.


Meh. It happens. I shoot my mouth off all the time without getting my facts straight.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Same as me. I found out that my fiancee cheated on me with a friend of mine 6 months before the wedding after 5 years together. That is why she is my ex fiancee. Best thing I ever did in my life was to break up with her. She went on to cheat on boyfriends, her husband and is now married to a woman. Add bipolar and seeing angels to the equation and I dodged a big bullet. I truly believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. I have never know someone who cheated and stop cheating, no matter what they said to their spouse. The second girlfriend who cheated on me with my friend became a crack addict and prostitute. She then kicked crack and became a stripper who married a steady lap dance customer old enough to be her father because he was rich. Her daughter is not a crack addict too. That is two bullets I dodged by not forgiving a cheating woman. I also gave up on monogamy and end up with a wife who never cheated on me for all 44 years of our marriage. We played with others as a couple only.

It is your life but ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life being suspicious of her every time she does something out of the usual or comes home late? I could not and therefore I cut them both loose. Hope you make the right decision and do not let her tell you that she cheated because of something you did or did not do. Right now you can walk away with minimum problems. Once you are married you will lose half of your stuff and pay alimony to a woman you no longer have sex with but who has a boyfriend. My sister did that. That way she could collect alimony and have a boyfriend too.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Not sure why but I'm feeling forgiving today. OP I know it sucks to find this out all these years later, but it's also all those years that make it a bit irrelevant in your current life. You have been happily married for many years, your wife has made mistakes, trust me she regrets them, but that is who she was, the woman she is now has made you happy correct? 

I wouldn't blame her drinking on hooking up with the ex boyfriend though, it's not like she was drunk 24/7 for all those months, she did what she did obviously because her feelings were conflicted. The relationship with the woman possibly was a drinking buddy, maybe she can blame that on the booze. 

I don't think you were her plan B, I think she was ****ed up for a period of her life and she didn't have a plan at all. I say forgive and move on. But keep your eyes open, there would certainly be no more forgiveness left in me.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Party drugs?? Isn't some of her reactions to very strong drugs? Better check for reactions.

Some of the meds use do dull a person. Could her lack if remorse due the drug interaction? 

Your wives reaction is typical in this situation. They readily worked there way though a lot of issues (one of which was how much it hurt you). 

Next the Hallpass. HELL NO. Did you ask for it or did she offer it. If she offered, then say thanks and file for divorce. If she loved you the way you love her she would have fourght tooth and nail to prevent it.

If you proposed it and follow though, well the nouns I would use are all banned. Seriously you subject a person you love to the same pain, grief, anger and dispair you experienced? This does not make you look good. Which is worse a WS a BS turn into WS, a pedophile. I ranked then from least to most despicable. A hall pass is the worst idea ever. 

Here the thing a murderer might be released to a mental hospital fod legit reasons, yet the family of the person murder will not find closser there. 

Have you ever spoken to a MC about living with bipolar. Ask her regular doctor for a recommended doctor. OM


----------

