# Selfish, angry husband



## anonymama (Jul 24, 2011)

I could really use some advice...new poster here.

My husband and I have been together for over 7 years and have been married for almost 1. We have a 2 year old and another on the way...which makes this situation even worse.

I have known since nearly the beginning that my husband has a severe anger problem. He had never hit me or my child but is verbally abusive, violently explosive, and completely unable to censor these obscenity-laden screaming tyrades around our daughter. Today he blew up at me, in front of the baby, as soon as I got in the door and stormed out...this has become an almost twice weekly occurrence. This time, ironically, it was because I didn't agree that an action taken by the police was injust. 

For the little amount of regard he has for his family, he is strongly against social injustice, women and children being abused, police brutality, etc. He hears about these things taken place and becomes so upset by them he goes into a violent rage. This time he told me he can't believe he married a "sheep" like me, cussed at me in front of our daughter, and took off...literally 5 minutes after we walked in the door after not seeing him all day.

He is also extremely selfish. He is 30 years old and I am concerned about the amount of time he chooses to devote to his hobbies instead of his family. I attempt to get him to sit down and talk or watch a movie with me a few times a week and am told that I am controlling and dominating and he should have never married me because he has no life. When I am home with our daughter I'm expected to take care of all the household duties as well as interact with her...when he is "babysitting" he sits and plays violent video games in front of her and I am expected to pick up the day's mess after I get home from my demanding job.

He goes out usually at least once a week, sometimes until 4 AM. If I want go out, which happens maybe once every three months, and come back after two hours I get, "GOD, what took you so long?" in a hostile tone.

I knew that marriage wouldn't change him, but I did think some day he would eventually grow up. I thought he'd see how his behavior was hurting me and actually care. I thought one day I'd be more important than video games, music, and comic books. But it seems that day is never coming and with yet another child on the way I am becoming more and more depressed.

Most of the time we get along very well, we compliment eachother, our sex life is good, we laugh together, and agree on and like to discuss politics, history, philosophy, and other issues. 

I wish I could convince him to try counseling, but whenever confronted about his bad behavior he gets angry, calls me disrespectful, and usually storms out. I cannot discuss my feelings without encountering hostility. His own mother, father, and even brother have confronted him about his anger toward me and selfishness and he usually just ignores them. 

I know it's my duty to my family to be firm with him but when I try he acts as if he doesn't care. I'm tired of hearing "I should have never married you" or "I'm tired of your f'ing attitude" or being called names over minor arguments or even just disagreements. He justifies his behavior with the fact that he doesn't go out drinking or cheat on me and tries hard to support his family. The fact that I kissed another guy when I was 18 and we had been dating for a few months, 7 years ago, is constantly brought up to cut me down to size when his behavior is questioned.

Sorry for the long post...just hoping someone out there can give me some good advice. I know a lot of this is my fault for not being more firm but I don't know how to be firm when the other person reacts with only anger and doesn't seem to care. The time I tried to take our daughter and leave an especially heated situation he snatched her from me and locked me out of the house and acted as if I'd gone insane. He does love her...and me...but I wish he would treat us like he should.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't think he's going to change without a serious ultimatum. I believe you have to tell him you are ready to leave. Do it in a calm manner or write him an email about it.

Ask him to go to Individual counseling and marriage counseling.

Next time he says he should never have married you, tell him to pack a bag.

Tell him the next time he is verbally abusive, he has to leave or you will call the police and see what kind of 'injustice' they can serve him up.

He is scarring your daughter. If she was older would you want her to stay in a relationship like that?

Also tell him the doors lock at midnight, if he wants to stay out past then, by all means he should, but he should continue staying out and find a new place to live.

Let him know his behavior is not attractive, and you want to be married to a man not a man child.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

This is not a maturity problem, it's a personality problem. He needs serious help. You have to take swift action in a situation like this.

He excuses away his behavior and says that just because he's not cheating or hitting you that he's fine the way he is? BS. A man staying out until 4 am isn't up to anything good.

Does he have drug/alcohol problems? I'm concerned for you and your DD. This is a bad situation to raise children in.

His behaviors ARE abusive. My fear is that he'll start lashing out at your DD next. I'd almost bet money on it.

Please seek help. This isn't something he's going to grow out of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I wonder if you and I have something in common here...

My H does some of these things, and a few he has stopped (like the 4am) because I have threatened to leave him. I am his wife not some floozy...

I am now worried that he and I are heading where you are, esp since we started talking about children.

Message me if you would like to talk.
I'm sorry you are in this situation


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He will never change unless he can see what he does is wrong and commits to stopping this behavior. If he never thinks what he does it wrong, you can expect this to go on forever and grow worse over time. 

Most abusers don't change.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Think of your child and the impact it has. Your child is absorbing this behavior. If you want better for yourself, child and the one on the way then I suggest making another plan besides the one you are in now. Its not healthy for anyone involved.

Anyway you and your child can go stay somewhere else for awhile? Do you have family or friends that can help you?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm sorry you're going through this, this is not a good situation for you or your child to be in. Remember, kids learn what they see and hear. I would suggest getting away from him for awhile and see how things go. I do believe people can change, if they want to, and not without some intensive therapy. Even if he agrees to seek some help, IMO you still do not need to be around him right now. Even if he is not hurting you and your child physically, he is still destroying you both, mentally and emotionally, and that can be just as bad.


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