# Is my Job ruining my marriage?



## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

I work 30 days at a time and 15 off and over 600 miles away. My wife has left me and I dont know she wants me to work at home or if I need to do something else. It is hard to quit my job now the way the economy is and all the reasons why I still work out of town is to support her and our daughters and for them a great life. Totally confused


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've been deployed to Iraq twice, over 1 year both times. My wife remained faithful but if she hadn't been able to, I would have tossed her. You could be in the hospital, in jail, or otherwise not immediately available for over 30 days for any variety of reasons. If she can't handle that, you don't need her. You are feeding your family the best way you know how and that's what a good man does. A good woman would be supportive and make the best of a difficult situation. One who would leave you over a 30 day absence would leave you over a 24 hour absence, too.


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

I really want to find a job close to home and right now I would give up the place I have now and find something smaller but I am worried also that it might not even be what she wants and there I will be.


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

How would I go about asking to move closer to my job. It is hard because she has just found a new job and I dont want to mess that up for her. She is still pretty solid on moving to a place further from my job and she has told a family member that she would move anywhere with me.


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## cmo (Jul 21, 2011)

If your working the job I'm thinking of its well work with oil right? My husband used to work for a company that did 30 on 10 off it as really more like 3 or 4 days off. I never cheated or felt compeled to nor would i have left him knowing the work he does. However not all people are like that and may see work as being more important than those they love ask her how important this job is for her and explain why you cant quit or how you would be taking a paycut by transferring jobs.


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## Jabberg27 (Jul 14, 2011)

ya it kinda like oil. it is diamond core drilling for gold and other metals and non metals. I dont know what to think some days she acts like i need to find something else and other days she tells me that I cant quit I will loose everything. I already feel that way.


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## Mrs.Saucy (Jul 21, 2011)

My DH used to be a long distance truck driver. It was hard. We mutually agreed that he needed to work closer to home and be home every night. Sounds like there might be other issues, otherwise I'm sure something could be worked out. Could you move the family closer to your work? Is she even open to discussing or figuring things out as a couple/family?


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

I think your wife needs a reality check. You say you are giving her a "good life" or whatever, but she doesn't seem to realize that. If she is so frustrated by your absence with your job, what will SHE do if you get one that is closer, but it pays less? Will SHE get a better job that brings in more money, so you can be closer? Will she realize that she might have to make some sacrifices in order for you to be close? Right now, you being gone for a month at a time seems like a huge sacrifice to her, but she has no idea what sacrifice it's going to be if you give up your job to be closer, and your expenses need to be dealt with.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Wow, I'm surprised at the harshness toward the op's wife! While leaving him over this might be extreme, I think the vast majority of people do not and will never understand the difficulties faced by women whose husbands work 'away.' 
My dh is a pilot (as are many of my friends' husbands) so I can certainly understand and relate to her feelings of frustration. Having a part-time spouse does pose a lot of problems in a marriage, and in a family. This is not simply a temporary month-long absence for unforeseen reasons as suggested above; this is a permanent lifestyle which can be very taxing on a relationship. 
Frequent and long separations from ones' spouse prevent the daily bonding, affection, cooperation, mutual support, conversation, etc, etc that are so important to a quality relationship. Navigating this kind of lifestyle can be very difficult. Wives are forced to become fully independent, managing the household and family alone, and basically must learn to live without her husband for lengthy periods. In essence she must live as a single woman for all intents and purposes, and it can become hard to see the value in maintaining the relationship when it doesn't meet her needs. Financial support is not the only aspect of marriage that women need, as it seems so many men fail to recognize.
Certainly it's understandable that she misses having him around, as we all get married for the companionship that it offers, which is something that is severely limited in a situation like this. Loneliness is a huge issue. Not only that, but the woman's independent lifestyle does not easily adjust to the periods when the husband returns. She has her own schedules and routines, learns to do everything on her own, and when he comes home, all that is basically thrown right out the window. As much as she loves having him around, there can be some tension and resentment there. Ask any army wife; it's a common problem when the spouse returns from abroad.
I believe that the op's wife is looking for validation in her feelings. She is obviously having a very hard time with this lifestyle, and with no end in sight, it is not a temporary inconvenience that they must battle through, but a permanent situation that she has to live with. The marriage is essentially not meeting her needs for companionship, support, etc. That can be very hard to deal with over the long run. A little empathy and understanding, and some conversation regarding a more acceptable long-term future plan would likely go a long way. Reiterating the nice lifestyle you're providing sure isn't going to make her feel any better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The "difficulty" faced by the OP's wife is not uncommon. A partner who can't weather difficulties is as useless as mammaries on a boar. Any woman can play the game as long as there are no illnesses, obstacles, temptations, etc. That's as helpful as a roof which protects against sunlight but not rain. If she can't tolerate a little physical separation, what use would she be if he were jobless, penniless, or paralyzed, wrongful accused and in prison?


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

That's about as realistic as scoffing at a man who can't tolerate a 'little' sexual starvation. 
He's effectively gone 8 mos a year. That's not a 'little' physical separation.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Just ask her what is wrong. Most likely she will let you know, you may be surprised as to what is really upsetting her. Ask her if she want to move closer to your job so you can spend more time together.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Wow, some really harsh posts.

My H is a cop and works weekends. I am off weekends. It really sucks and many other women in similar positions feel the same way. Going 30 days without your husband around is like not having a husband. What's the point of being married, then, if you really aren't sharing your life?

It is too bad so many of the replies are focusing on passing judgment on your wife's feelings (which are completely normal and valid).

My advice would be to just talk to your wife and ask her if a change in jobs would help the marriage. If it won't, then stay put. But life is short and you are missing out on so much of life with your daughters and wife. If you can find another job where you don't have to give up so much family time, why not do it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He isn't hanging out at Disneyland for 30 days at a time. He's working because he has to pay bills. He gets one day off for every two he works. I don't know many folks who get such a deal. We aren't hearing his wife on this forum looking for support. She's left. Jabberg is guessing at her motivation because she apparently hasn't made her position clear. He could turn water into wine and find she still isn't interested in him. She's been tested and failed.


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

I would suspect there is some other problem than you just being away at work.

Has she ever told you she hates you being away? 

If she has and you've done what you could to transfer/fix the problem then it's her problem. In these economic trying times not everything can come up roses (even in good economic times, actually).

If she has and you've ignored it (done nothing to *try* to solve the problem) then it's your problem. I'm not saying leave the job right away but if you made no effort to even look into options you're sending your wife the message that her problems are no of no concern to you.

Have you not talked about this at all? If not, before doing anything, TALK to her! Don't give up a lucrative job without talking out the problem with your wife first. You could be making the problem much, much worse.


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## likescoffee (Aug 5, 2011)

My spouse has worked offshore for the last 16 years, 4 of which have been overseas. To tell you the truth, he is not here for me so why should I always be here for him? I make 6 figures a year so the "I am provinding for my family" holds no weight. You have made a decision that work is more important than family, so you will eventually have to live with that decision.


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## likescoffee (Aug 5, 2011)

My husband works as a pilot overseas and flies 7 hours in six weeks. The rest of the time he is surfing the internet, shopping, sightseeing, etc while I am working full time as an Air Traffic Controller. So spare me the sacrificing.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Tell your wife that maximum time you're working for her is both and she needs to answer you both in the Relative time she has?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jabberg27 said:


> I really want to find a job close to home and right now I would give up the place I have now and find something smaller but I am worried also that it might not even be what she wants and there I will be.


Why haven`t you even asked her why she left?

What has she said about your job and never being home?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The "difficulty" faced by the OP's wife is not uncommon. A partner who can't weather difficulties is as useless as mammaries on a boar. Any woman can play the game as long as there are no illnesses, obstacles, temptations, etc. That's as helpful as a roof which protects against sunlight but not rain. If she can't tolerate a little physical separation, what use would she be if he were jobless, penniless, or paralyzed, wrongful accused and in prison?



8 months out of a year is hardly "A little physical separation".

I turned down a job offer that would have put me at the pinnacle of my profession because it was 4000 miles away.
It was simply not an option. My family is my priority, not my job.

I don`t believe you can have a healthy marriage with such seperation at least I know I can`t.

I`d say a marriage that allows only 4 months out of a year is as useless as mammaries on a boar.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To be fair I used to be away from home a great deal. It sucks generally and in every way. For the past decade or so I've pretty much worked out of the house. Turned down quite a few lucrative opportunities which would require long stretches away from home. Maybe in a year or so with all the boys out of the house it will be a viable option once again. But it's tough. In this day and age employers know they've got you over a barrel and mess with you, demand all sorts of hardships as a result.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I'm in the BTDT catagory on this one. It all depends on what the OP considers his priorities. First and foremost he must truly, honestly in love, talk and share with his wife his feelings and concerns. If the W would like him closer to home then it very well be that he will take a pay cut and she may have to start to work to contribute. There is NO SHAME in coming to terms with reality of a home situation when BOTH husband and wife deal with the issue together... with both coming to terms with THEIR thoughts, ideas, and coming to a combined solution.

My deepest respect to spouses of any member of the armed forces. They are the salt of the earth that this nation truly needs to honour! To not only see their loved ones go to war, but to uphold a household to the utmost and mostly alone. Their strength is formidable! However, they are still human, and need help from all around them...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe she just doesn't feel like raising your daughters alone.


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