# How can I make myself want sex?



## shastacola (Mar 25, 2013)

my husband and i have been together going on 19yrs. I was 15 when we moved in together. im not sure if i ever really desired sex or just the attention. my ol man asks for sex almost daily, many times a day. he will ask for more twenty mins after. i just have no desire. he takes it personally when i say i don't wanna and accuses me of "just not wanting it with him". this is not the case. if i gotta get naked and have someone in me, i only wanna do it with him. i just see it as something that is expected of me. which kinda makes me feel like a *****. i know he has a high drive, but it seems like that is the only thing he finds me useful for. we don't have as much to talk about as we did years ago and it feels like all he ever has to say is "give me some?" and should be happy that he still wants me as much as he does after all these years. and i am happy that he does, but i want conversation that doesn't always lead to sex. i asked him one day, if i didn't start the conversations would we ever talk? he just laughed and said yeah. we didn't speak the rest if the night. lol he said he didn't realize it was a test. i didn't mean it to be, but he didn't offer a word after i asked, so neither did i. i wish i felt the want to have sex, but i don't. i don't even care to masturbate. an orgasm is not that pleasurable. id rather watch tv or surf the net or go to the lake or a number of things that are a better use of my time. don't get it wrong, i give it up almost on a daily. if i put him off for two or three days he acts like its been months or something. then he gets upset cause im not into it. and if a act like i am, when im not, he still isn't happy. idk what to do. i wish i was a cck hungry ****, but im not. and if i were i would be accused of cheating im sure. is there anything i can do to make myself want to get aroused?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

shastacola said:


> i just see it as something that is expected of me. which kinda makes me feel like a *****.


You have a skewed idea of marriage. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Marriage without sex is just roommates. It's not special.



> i know he has a high drive, but it seems like that is the only thing he finds me useful for. we don't have as much to talk about as we did years ago and it feels like all he ever has to say is "give me some?" and should be happy that he still wants me as much as he does after all these years.


That's a separate issue. Since men experience love through sex, perhaps your husband senses your sexual reluctance, which makes him question your love for him, and he reaches out to you through sex. You just need to find other ways to connect with each other without either sacrificing sex altogether, or using sex to the exclusion of everything else. You need balance.



> an orgasm is not that pleasurable. id rather watch tv or surf the net or go to the lake or a number of things that are a better use of my time.


Again, that's not a healthy attitude. Perhaps your husband feels the same way about conversation. You should each try to connect with each other in ways that the other will appreciate.

Look at the books 5 Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs. Those books can help you each understand each other.

Good luck.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Go see a doctor and have your hormones checked. They might be low and require meds.

Find our what turns you on. Watch some adult movies, different fantasies, fetishes, everything. Something will just hit you, hmmmm, that's hot and go with it.

Your hubby has a high sex drive now but when he gets older, it will taper off. Be greatful he has a high sex drive and only with you. Many other women with high sex drives out there.

Try toys, oils, any role playing? Wear something sexy that you'd like.

Find out what you are lacking from him.

A sexless marriage isn't a marriage. It's a room mate situation and occasional friends with benefits, not good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your attitude towards sex is understandable since it sounds like your husband does little to fill your non-sexual needs. 

My suggestion is that you start out by reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read it, get him to read it. Then the two of your can work on the things that the book suggests.


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## shastacola (Mar 25, 2013)

Ty...and i used to own the book, got lost in our big fall out of 2012. we do other things together and try to talk about our problems. we both have recently started dealing with them by getting drunk. and yes, i know that is not the answer. we are both just so hurt and confused here lately that numbing is easier than dealing. i asked him last night to stop drinking cause things have gotten physical a few times. for the past 18yrs, he has never put his hands on me in anger. we are dysfunctional and refuse to give up on what we used to be. but, today, its my lack of sex drive that im concerned with.


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## shastacola (Mar 25, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Go see a doctor and have your hormones checked. They might be low and require meds.
> 
> Find our what turns you on. Watch some adult movies, different fantasies, fetishes, everything. Something will just hit you, hmmmm, that's hot and go with it


i don't like porn, or him watching it. i have self esteem issues with my weight and will never look like the women on the videos. and him getting off to them makes me feel like im not good enough. so he hides it from me. i did find that talking to folks in chat rooms did something for me, but he doesn't like that because im giving some other man part of me. but its the part he doesn't care to nurture. needless to say, im not allowed to chat. lol i think maybe it is my hormones. idk though


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## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

You can try reading the book 5 Love Languages. It sounds like he is not fulfilling your needs outside of the bedroom. Once he starts to do that then perhaps your sex drive will return. I hope that helps. You can find the book online for less than $10.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Your husband is an azzhat....oh what a turn on...being asked for sex...oh baby...NOT!!!

You don't need a hormone check....you both need His Needs/Her Needs...or for yourself...go read 50 Shades of Grey...that will wake you up sexually...but I'm not sure hubby would be ready to treat you like a woman in the true sense...I think more counseling might be in order....hats off to you for trying.....


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Are you on birth control pills? They can be a serious libido downer


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## shastacola (Mar 25, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Are you on birth control pills? They can be a serious libido downer


nope, he did me a solid and got fixed about 8yrs ago.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

shastacola said:


> my ol man asks for sex almost daily, many times a day. he will ask for more twenty mins afte happy.


OK... this is what jumps out to me!

Is he ever satisfied? Does he not get that sleepy after orgasm sleepy feeling that most men get?

You've been together for 19 years and he sulks if you say no...when he's wanting sex many times a day...but still not satisfied. That must be very frustrating for you.

He is hyper-sexual to say the very least. This is not normal behavior... unless your a rabbit.

But to try and be helpful.... what else do the two of you do together? Do you date each other or share any hobbies like dancing or fishing or bowling or ???
What do you do together in the evenings and weekends? TV or computer time doesn't count... they both kill conversation.


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## shastacola (Mar 25, 2013)

we go to the club. where i sing and he plays pool. we go to the gun range and target practise. he takes me and our girls on road trips so that i can take pictures. we bbq and hang out with friends. and i love doing all those things. i just have no drive and he says i never want sex. i feel like he never lets me alone long enough for me to want it. lol the sex is good and i can get off, if i feel like putting forth the effort, but like i said i can always find something more fun to do. kinda like cleaning the house, ill always try to find a way out of it. i think if he would give me a lil time to want it i might. but he says he has tried that and two weeks went by and i still didn't. then he just feel rejected and unloved. i don't mean to make him feel like that. which is the reason i give it up more than i say no. but im sure he would say different.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

A way to boost your libido is to be as healthy as possible. Change your diet to avoid estrogen increasing foods and environments. You have to remember that synthetic estrogens (xenoestrogens) combined with natural estrogens (phytoestrogens) overload any person in a high estrogen dominant environment. Avoid soy like the plague. Eat a lot of fiber mainly in oatmeal, fruits and vegetables to dispose of excess estrogen and lots of nuts/beans. Many things such as pesticides, air pollutants and cleaning agents have estrogenic affects inside the body, so try to eat as "organic" as possible if you can. Either way, a healthy diet and regular short bursts of exercise (30 min day rigorous, 3 times a week)

Eat a lot of testosterone inducing foods such as eggs, lean meat, garlic, onion and exercise. Testosterone helps kill depression, fight against estrogen imbalance (if it doesn't convert to estrogen), raises pain threshold and helps increase libido and weight loss. Remember that testosterone can turn into estrogen, so keep the balance and stay eating healthy.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Have you ever read the book His Needs Her Needs.
I think every couple should read it...together if possible.
It covers a lot of what your talking about... as in his need for sex and your need for conversation (as well as a lot of other things).

It sounds like both of you have unmet needs. 

Are you actually sexually attracted to your H?


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## shastacola (Mar 25, 2013)

yeah, i think he is sexy. but that doesn't mean i wanna have sex. lol i don't want sex period most of the time.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

You know what I think is missing in your relationship? Love! "But we do love each other" you would say. And I believe this. What I mean by love is an express of it through words, affection, expression. I think your husband has failed in this area. Why do I know this? Because I am a husband too and I have failed in this area many times and I am sure there are more times ahead of me. I have learned that a man's strong needs are not always the same as a wife's needs and a wife's strong needs are not always the same as a husband's needs. The goal is being able to fulfill each other in the areas that we lack in.

I think your husband is lacking in romance and expressing love towards you in way that would be received by you. You are feeling that he is treating you like a tool, but that is the way he receives his love...through his sexuality and men are dumb creatures in thinking that women receive their love primarily this way as well. Not so...not by a long shot. Women receive love by men's verbal express of it EVERY DAY! Guys are very gullible in this task...very blinded. It reminds me of the wife that ask her husband of 20 years, "Don't you love me honey?" The husband replies, "Of course I do, I said so the day of our marriage." A husband views love to a wife with the thought of, "It goes without saying." We think that a women should automatically know we love them and when a girl challenges us men with wanting to hear those words, we men get offended because it seems like the women is doubting our love for them.

What I am saying is, a women needs to feel loved through the words and expression EVERY DAY! Not just love, but also to be wanted! Another area that us men fall short in. Women need to be reassured that we want them, desire them, cherish them, etc. etc.

This is what is missing in your marriage...and what is missing in most marriages. And we get into these stalemates of the guy saying, "She will not give me sex" and the girl saying, "He will not love me." Instead, its not what I can get from the other, but what I can offer to the other. We have to get beyond ourselves and put the other's needs before our own...that is true love. "But what if the other does not fulfill their role" you might say? I believe that this does not excuse your role! I think therein lies the greatest judge of character in yourself...are there conditions of love or is love patient, kind, and does not take into account the wrongs that have been suffered.

So how does this help the two of you out, if only one of you hears this information? I would encourage the two of you to be more open and honest about your feelings and thoughts towards each other. You are not fulfilled as a wife and you should be able to tell this to your husband without him trying to side-step this, or throw it back in your face, or ignore it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

forevermemorable said:


> I think your husband has failed in this area. ... Guys are very gullible in this task...very blinded. ... Another area that us men fall short in.


If you're arguing that men are more likely to fail to understand their spouse's needs than women, I disagree. I think both sexes are equally likely to equate their needs to their spouse's needs.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Be careful of alcohol, it dies relax you but it is also a depressant even after the buzz wears off. It could very well be that your increased drinking is what is killing off your desire and getting pleasure here.

I'm not saying you need to go dry, but experiment with cutting back or longer breaks (days) between when you drink, and then watch for your own mood and his it affects you.

I myself have noticed that I sometimes feel crabby for a while after even a moderate consumption event. It's not just being tired, it's a feeling of being crabby and negative.

People too often think once they sleep it off, it's done with them. Not so.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think this is the exact reverse of my situation.

I want sex and don't get it to an extreme

You get sex to and extreme and don't want it.


Both of our situations are equally less than ideal.

Your husband has too much power over sex just like my wife.

You will only be happy when a balance is restored otherwise you just feel used. Sex needs a balance or it itself is harmful. The reason you don't like it is deep down you feel used. Change the dynamic.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Be careful of alcohol, it dies relax you but it is also a depressant even after the buzz wears off. It could very well be that your increased drinking is what is killing off your desire and getting pleasure here.
> 
> I'm not saying you need to go dry, but experiment with cutting back or longer breaks (days) between when you drink, and then watch for your own mood and his it affects you.
> 
> ...


Alcohol lowers testosterone and increases estrogen. You'd be best avoiding alcohol to a minimum, if anything to a couple glasses of wine a week.

OP, remember that the mind functions with the body. If you do not eat healthy, you won't function healthy. Build healthy habits and move into a healthy life style and you will see improvement.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

You moved in with him at 15? What was happening at home that made you want to move out?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

shastacola said:


> my husband and i have been together going on 19yrs. I was 15 when we moved in together. im not sure if i ever really desired sex or just the attention. my ol man asks for sex almost daily, many times a day. he will ask for more twenty mins after. i just have no desire. he takes it personally when i say i don't wanna and accuses me of "just not wanting it with him". this is not the case. if i gotta get naked and have someone in me, i only wanna do it with him. i just see it as something that is expected of me. which kinda makes me feel like a *****. i know he has a high drive, but it seems like that is the only thing he finds me useful for. we don't have as much to talk about as we did years ago and it feels like all he ever has to say is "give me some?" and should be happy that he still wants me as much as he does after all these years. and i am happy that he does, but i want conversation that doesn't always lead to sex. i asked him one day, if i didn't start the conversations would we ever talk? he just laughed and said yeah. we didn't speak the rest if the night. lol he said he didn't realize it was a test. i didn't mean it to be, but he didn't offer a word after i asked, so neither did i. i wish i felt the want to have sex, but i don't. i don't even care to masturbate. an orgasm is not that pleasurable. id rather watch tv or surf the net or go to the lake or a number of things that are a better use of my time. don't get it wrong, i give it up almost on a daily. if i put him off for two or three days he acts like its been months or something. then he gets upset cause im not into it. and if a act like i am, when im not, he still isn't happy. idk what to do. i wish i was a cck hungry ****, but im not. and if i were i would be accused of cheating im sure. is there anything i can do to make myself want to get aroused?


Shasta
My wife and I were having sex problems too. we needed help....
Someone suggested the book "The 5 Love Languages"...I bought it that day. I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts

If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will see the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

My advise is get the book, do the program with your husband. Practice it for a couple of months, and see if your marriage and feelings about each other aren't improved ....All you have to loose is 10 bucks....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Someone suggested the book "The 5 Love Languages"
> 
> My advise is get the book...All you have to loose is 10 bucks...


I second that and totally agree! Great book! I highly recommend! And for those of you who have kids, get "The 5 Love Languages of Children."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe it would be helpful to not approach the matter as "sex". You may not be wild about "sex" but you might be agreeable to showing your husband appreciation, affection, acceptance, nurturing, etc. You may not feel hungry but you feed your kids, not because you're a huge fan of food but because you love your kids and you know it's important to them and their well-being. A lot of things I do, I'm not entirely wild about but they are important to my wife. I'm not crazy about spending a couple hours in a craft or fabric store with her. That's what makes her happy and if I approach it as spending 2 hours making my wife (who doesn't ask for much), happy, I find I have a better attitude about it.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> You know what I think is missing in your relationship? Love! "But we do love each other" you would say. And I believe this. What I mean by love is an express of it through words, affection, expression. I think your husband has failed in this area. Why do I know this? Because I am a husband too and I have failed in this area many times and I am sure there are more times ahead of me. I have learned that a man's strong needs are not always the same as a wife's needs and a wife's strong needs are not always the same as a husband's needs. The goal is being able to fulfill each other in the areas that we lack in.
> 
> I think your husband is lacking in romance and expressing love towards you in way that would be received by you. You are feeling that he is treating you like a tool, but that is the way he receives his love...through his sexuality and men are dumb creatures in thinking that women receive their love primarily this way as well. Not so...not by a long shot. Women receive love by men's verbal express of it EVERY DAY! Guys are very gullible in this task...very blinded. It reminds me of the wife that ask her husband of 20 years, "Don't you love me honey?" The husband replies, "Of course I do, I said so the day of our marriage." A husband views love to a wife with the thought of, "It goes without saying." We think that a women should automatically know we love them and when a girl challenges us men with wanting to hear those words, we men get offended because it seems like the women is doubting our love for them.
> 
> ...


Well said....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

If all he ever has to say is "give me some?" my answer would be "Give me some reason!"


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