# Husband starts Silent Treatment after family funeral



## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

I posted about this topic a few days ago and as things have continued, I felt the need to start again and clarify a few things.

We have been married almost 4 years, no kids, and I am 35, he is 33. This is not the first time he has done this to me, probably the 4th or 5th. Each time he swears it will be the last, that he has seen the hurt it caused and promising never to do it again.

Each time, it seems to stem from one of two things. Either we have done something together that he feels he HAS to do (rather than something he wants to) which takes away from his time at home to do what he wants - usually gaming. The other thing that seems to set him off is me spending time with my family or planning to.

It usually only lasts 1 day, then I send him a message at work saying sorry if I did or said anything that upset him and that I wish he would talk to me so we can sort things out. He comes home and says sorry, he shouldn't have done it and wont do it again.

This is the 3rd day now since the funeral and it looks like he's prepared to carry on with it as he has moved all his clothes for tomorrow to the spare room he has been sleeping in.

The only thing I have said to him is that, while I am not near him, I am not ignoring him. I am simply done begging for his comfort, affection and love.

I also told him that my grandfather has since been taken to hospital, no response. 

I feel like I am making this worse by not being the one to make the first move, I am always the peacemaker - I just can't carry on like this. The thing that is really making me feel differently this time, that enough is enough, is that we had just been talking about trying for our first child next year. There is no way I would expose a child to the hurt he has caused me.

So I guess I just want to hear from others who have had to cope with this? How do you make it day by day? What do you say when people ask how he is? Do you tell him things not expecting a response, should I tell him the latest about my grandfather and that my grandmother was asking after him? Should I be out in the house doing my own thing, or keeping out of the way in our bedroom?

I just don't know how to approach this. All I want is to be near my husband at a time when I need his love and support so badly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should look up the current "silent treatment" that is going on TAM.

Ignoring you because you want to spend time with your family is ridiculous.

These types usually get worse over time.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Mrsballs sorry u have to go through this especially after losing a loved one. Yes there are several threads on TAM about PA & silent treatment. Have you read or followed them?

How do u see that your situation compares? How do you see it differently? Are you truly tired & ready for change? He broke his promise to stop but failed. So, now the ball is in court. You are young still? You are very wise not to bring children into this.

I'm a newly wed & my hubby had gaming issue & like using the silent treatment. We talked through it & I was clear I would live alone if gaming was so big it came before our marriage & if it was cool for either of us to act like children when we don't agree. We are much, much better . Life is too short.

Life is too short! So, what are you gonna do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mrsball said:


> So I guess I just want to hear from others who have had to cope with this? How do you make it day by day? What do you say when people ask how he is? Do you tell him things not expecting a response, should I tell him the latest about my grandfather and that my grandmother was asking after him? Should I be out in the house doing my own thing, or keeping out of the way in our bedroom?
> 
> I just don't know how to approach this. All I want is to be near my husband at a time when I need his love and support so badly.



Early in our marriage, my wife did this to me frequently, and it caused a lot of fights. I think maybe she just had no other coping mechanism. She also promised she wouldn't do it again, but always did. 

At least your silent treatments are normally 1-3 days long, which isn't too terrible. When it goes to weeks, they are ridiculous. Especially with my military job that often kept me away from home, so I calculated that between my job and her silent treatments, on average I was only spending half the year with my own wife. 

Finally one day I explained it a little differently. I told her that I didn't get married just to spend half my life living with a stranger. If this was going to be our life from now on, I would prefer not to be married at all.

After that she stopped, although I'm not certain it was because of that talk or because of other factors. She gained more control of things in our life, and I think that empowerment helped her too.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You are not a peacemaker. He uses the silent treatment to put you in your place. You apologize, not because you did something wrong, but because you can't handle the mental torture anymore. In his eyes, he is a victim, and by you apologizing, you are telling him you did something wrong, and by doing so, he has justified that he did nothing wrong. Understand? So, the peace you refer to is only peace for him. You, on the other hand, are left with emotional scars, waiting for the next time it happens, fearing how long the next punishment will last. It is a vicious cycle. Break it. No more apologizing. No more begging. Like the other poster said.....it only gets worse. They learn more of your buttons to push, and how to perfect their technique. Leave him before you become a shell.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> You are not a peacemaker. He uses the silent treatment to put you in your place. You apologize, not because you did something wrong, but because you can't handle the mental torture anymore. In his eyes, he is a victim, and by you apologizing, you are telling him you did something wrong, and by doing so, he has justified that he did nothing wrong. Understand? So, the peace you refer to is only peace for him. You, on the other hand, are left with emotional scars, waiting for the next time it happens, fearing how long the next punishment will last. It is a vicious cycle. Break it. No more apologizing. No more begging. Like the other poster said.....it only gets worse. They learn more of your buttons to push, and how to perfect their technique. Leave him before you become a shell.


 :iagree: QUOTING because this bears repeating. Follow this advice. 

The silent treatment is running rampant on this board recently!


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

mrsball said:


> I posted about this topic a few days ago and as things have continued, I felt the need to start again and clarify a few things.
> 
> We have been married almost 4 years, no kids, and I am 35, he is 33. This is not the first time he has done this to me, probably the 4th or 5th. Each time he swears it will be the last, that he has seen the hurt it caused and promising never to do it again.
> 
> ...


I feel your pain. I got the ST from my H during my grandma's funeral at the beginning of this year. Had to go overseas with the family for the funeral (as she lived overseas) and one night when H called, we were busy discussing the plans for the burrial the next day so I asked him if he could call me back a bit later... guess he didn't like that so I got the ST... as Jelly Bean suggested, read the thread "silent treatment" it has a lot of advice from people who have gone through it! Good luck to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband is emotionally abusing you and you need to get super tough and lay down the law i.e. "When I married you I did not sign up to be treated this way, if you are going to continue to behave like this I want a divorce". Then, if he does it again you MUST leave. If you don't, he'll never take you seriously.

The only other option is to leave now. Thank God you don't have any children - please don't have children with him...not only will it expose them to this behaviour, which you have no right to do...it will mean you are tied to him forever, even if you are divorced.

Unless you nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse. The silences will become more frequent and last longer.

He is being a complete idiot. Punishing you for spending time with your family is utterly ridiculous and unreasonable. Tell him if he has a problem he needs to put his big boy pants on, man up and talk about it like a grown up, not a spoilt bl oody toddler.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Thank God you don't have any children - please don't have children with him...not only will it expose them to this behaviour, which you have no right to do...it will mean you are tied to him forever, even if you are divorced.
> 
> He is being a complete idiot. Punishing you for spending time with your family is utterly ridiculous and unreasonable. Tell him if he has a problem he needs to put his big boy pants on, man up and talk about it like a grown up, not a spoilt bl oody toddler.


Don't allow him to talk you into having children. They are very convincing manipulators. Think about those women who trap men by getting pregnant. Please believe me when I say there are men out there who will hide birth control pills or poke holes in condoms, or plead and beg for a child. Why? Because they want to trap the woman. They think if she has a kid, she will be less likely to leave. She will be stuck at home with a child, the sole caretaker, because he certainly won't help, will isolate her, and make her more compliant.....the way he needs her. These are the kind of men who know they can't keep a woman based on their good qualities, so they have to find a way to keep them from leaving. I married a creature who begged me for a child. I ended up a married single mom. 

They hate children. Why? Children require a lot of attention that is taken away from the narcissist. Deep down, the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a 3 or 4 year old. Imagine the things a small child does to manipulate parents. They give silent treatment, threaten to not be your friend, hide your things, pretend to be sick, throw a tantrum in public, and even poke out their lips. Have you seen a grown man poke out his lips? I have....daily for 2 decades......and it ain't pretty. 

The child is fantastic during pregnancy. The narcissist dad gets lots of congratulations.....from people who never spoke to him before. When the child is born.....same thing, however, eventually the focus is on the child and not the parents. This is bad for the narcissist. The child is now competition. How dare you make my dinner late because you took too long breast feeding. Silent treatment will be your punishment for praising Junior for the A on the spelling test and not praising me for going to work this morning. There will be little effort from the narcissist to do one on one parent things with the child. And many narcissists will have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude when it comes to the children. Don't expect them to call home during a week long business trip to speak to the children. Expect them to use the children as a way to punish you when you have done something they don't like. I refer to children of a narcissistic parent as a chess piece. They are strategically used. Don't even expect them to want a relationship with the children once they divorce you. They might fight you for custody to make your life miserable and do the visitation thing, but there is a hidden agenda to cause more problems in your life. Don't be surprised if the narc parent goes completely dark on the child. They are all about narcissistic supply. They get it from people. They can find that from any child........and most children of narcissists have had a lifetime of sitting on the sidelines watching their narcissistic parent acting like the perfect, fun parent to everyone else's kids, knowing at home they are invisible. That pain doesn't go away in adulthood.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> Don't allow him to talk you into having children. They are very convincing manipulators. Think about those women who trap men by getting pregnant. Please believe me when I say there are men out there who will hide birth control pills or poke holes in condoms, or plead and beg for a child. Why? Because they want to trap the woman. They think if she has a kid, she will be less likely to leave. She will be stuck at home with a child, the sole caretaker, because he certainly won't help, will isolate her, and make her more compliant.....the way he needs her. These are the kind of men who know they can't keep a woman based on their good qualities, so they have to find a way to keep them from leaving. I married a creature who begged me for a child. I ended up a married single mom.
> 
> They hate children. Why? Children require a lot of attention that is taken away from the narcissist. Deep down, the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a 3 or 4 year old. Imagine the things a small child does to manipulate parents. They give silent treatment, threaten to not be your friend, hide your things, pretend to be sick, throw a tantrum in public, and even poke out their lips. Have you seen a grown man poke out his lips? I have....daily for 2 decades......and it ain't pretty.
> 
> The child is fantastic during pregnancy. The narcissist dad gets lots of congratulations.....from people who never spoke to him before. When the child is born.....same thing, however, eventually the focus is on the child and not the parents. This is bad for the narcissist. The child is now competition. How dare you make my dinner late because you took too long breast feeding. Silent treatment will be your punishment for praising Junior for the A on the spelling test and not praising me for going to work this morning. There will be little effort from the narcissist to do one on one parent things with the child. And many narcissists will have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude when it comes to the children. Don't expect them to call home during a week long business trip to speak to the children. Expect them to use the children as a way to punish you when you have done something they don't like. I refer to children of a narcissistic parent as a chess piece. They are strategically used. Don't even expect them to want a relationship with the children once they divorce you. They might fight you for custody to make your life miserable and do the visitation thing, but there is a hidden agenda to cause more problems in your life. Don't be surprised if the narc parent goes completely dark on the child. They are all about narcissistic supply. They get it from people. They can find that from any child........and most children of narcissists have had a lifetime of sitting on the sidelines watching their narcissistic parent acting like the perfect, fun parent to everyone else's kids, knowing at home they are invisible. That pain doesn't go away in adulthood.


THIS....is an AMAZING POST!!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> The only other option is to leave now. Thank God you don't have any children - please don't have children with him...not only will it expose them to this behaviour, which you have no right to do...it will mean you are tied to him forever, even if you are divorced./QUOTE]
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> Don't be like my MIL, who after 50 years of marriage still walks around on eggshells because she's afraid of my FIL's silent treatments. FIL can go WEEKS without talking. She has become passive aggressive, hides things and makes up stories, (lies) all because she doesn't want to make him mad. My husband and his brothers had to grow up asking each other when they got home from school, "Is Dad talking yet? Is he still mad?" More than half the time they never knew what set him off. From the stories my husband told me it's no way to grow up.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

This silent treatment crap is juvenile at best... sadistic at its worst.

I can't even imagine the fight that would ensue if I or my SO tried this with each other.

And maybe I shouldn't change the subject but I think gaming is a real detraction from having a good relationship. or even living a good life. God forbid I waste my time on this earth gaming...


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

I'm not quite sure I understand it all but he is mad at you for spending time with your family after the funeral? How does he get along with your family? Does he go with you to their house, or to the hospital or to family gatherings? What does he want you to do? Does he have family? How does he get along with them? He is not being fair to you but maybe there is something he's not expressing to you. Since he has done this multiple times there has to be a reason. I would just do what I needed to do let him brood or whatever until I got ready to deal with him. Dish it back to him. Give him the cold shoulder.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks so much for all the replies, you have given me a lot to think about. 

I know 2-3 days of ST is not bad compared to some, and I have read the other current ST threads here, but I don't like to compare. As far as I am concerned 1 day is too long and I cant imagine the heartache for those who have to suffer longer.

I had no contact from my H yesterday, but happened to be in the kitchen when he came in from work. There was no way he could avoid seeing me, so he said "I guess I'd better show my face." When I asked why, he said because he had to. I told him he doesn't HAVE to do anything, he said he wanted to apologise for acting so terribly (his words) . I didn't accept his apology immediately but asked him to explain what happened. This is where I get confused.

He said he felt bad for leaving the wake so soon
He said he felt bad that he was exhausted after the long car trip
He said he felt bad that he couldn't give me the comfort I wanted
he said he felt bad that he couldn't behave the way everyone thought he should
So he shutdown (again, his words)

I told him that it was unacceptable, that it was an appaling way to treat the person you say you love, that there was no way I would stand for it ever again and that if he ever tried it, professional intervention (MC) would be non-negotialble or I would be gone. He looked genuinely shocked.

I then asked him what he thought I should have said if we had kids who were asking me, where's Daddy? Why wont daddy talk to me or play with me? Doesn't daddy love me any more? He was completely speechless, I asked him again and he just said, I know, I wont do it again.

Things were polite between us last night, and we shared a bed the first time in 3 nights, but I am still feeling very hurt and uncertain. I dont think he really realises the severity of what he did, or at least, he's not making any effort to be nicer to me.

The kids thing is a big factor, I am getting too old! Do I wait for him to grow up, or find some one else? Also, he has no concept of how a family is supposed to interact due to troubles with his own. He looks at familiy birthdays, holidays, etc as an inconvenience. The gaming is also becoming more of an issue, he is measuring his life by hown many trophies he has avhieved in a day! And the basic fact is, I am not happy with the quality of our romantic relationship, the lack of affection and intimacy.

Thanks again for all the advice. I just know now that I have had enough, all the things that I have explained away in the past are front and center in my mind and I am just going to call him out on every one of them as they come up. 

At least if the ST starts again as a consequence I know exactly what to do, LEAVE!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So why would you leave next time, but not THIS time, if he's already sworn (repeatedly) that it wouldn't happen again but then lets it happen anyway?


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

So, Mrsball, he gave you some insight into what was going on with him. At least he didn't justify his behavior & blame you for hid behavior. He owned it. 

Given what he said, he's emotionally inept & the gaming is used to escape to not deal with emotional situations on any level. He probably became very overwhelmed because he lacked the emotional skill set needed at the time so he shut down & escaped. So, just waiting until he shuts down again could be tricky. Because, it will happen again & again if he NOW doesn't actively engage in finding a way to help himself. He needs help. He never learned how to deal in an emotionally healthy way. Not marriage counseling but IC therapy for him.

I know the clock is ticking for you in regards to children but don't let that loud clicking clock lead you to a bad decision. Today, women are having kids later so you still have some time. You have to make some hard decisions, Your husband needs therapy, he will not just wake up one morning & know how to emotionally be healthy if for all his life he's escaped & childhood was problematic. You can't force him to see this but you can tell him he has to get some good therapy NOW or you walk NOW. And then, therapy, will take time, a good 6 months to a year.

Hard place to be but your life is yours & you have to decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mrsball said:


> Thanks so much for all the replies, you have given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I know 2-3 days of ST is not bad compared to some, and I have read the other current ST threads here, but I don't like to compare. As far as I am concerned 1 day is too long and I cant imagine the heartache for those who have to suffer longer.
> 
> ...


WELL DONE!! :smthumbup:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

mrsball said:


> Thanks so much for all the replies, you have given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I know 2-3 days of ST is not bad compared to some, and I have read the other current ST threads here, but I don't like to compare. As far as I am concerned 1 day is too long and I cant imagine the heartache for those who have to suffer longer.
> 
> ...


You married a child. If you have a baby you will be a single parent. I did the same thing. He begged to have a baby because he thought I would be trapped. He said everything I wanted to hear and then emotionally abandoned my daughter and I. 
I'm guessing your husband is passive aggressive in many ways. 

You shouldn't have to put up with ST. I used to do what you did, I couldn't take it so I would apologize: but over the years I realized it was abusive and manipulative. 

My ex is a passive aggressive narc, and my daughter and I still pay the price.
He is a child. His life revolves around his hobbies, his friends, his pleasure, his fun. Anything that interferes with any of that, he is deeply resentful of. Anything that requires him to act like an adult, any social obligation or responsibility, makes him deeply angry. 

I'm guessing your husband was mad that he had to take time away from his fun. Does he drink or smoke pot? Gaming can be like an addiction and when they have to meet a social obligation and are expected to behave like a man, they become very angry. 

They will go along with the obligation if they can't find an excuse to get out of it, but then they will punish you for "making" them do it. 
He was just mad that you expected him to be an adult and the ST was his punishment. 

I think deep down they punish so that you start expecting less and less from them. I did that with my ex: he took away everything from our marriage until the only thing I needed him for was money. And I flat out told him I didn't need to be married to him to get his money. 

If I were you I would start reading about passive aggressive people and emotional abuse. Good luck to you.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi there, 

The ST just sucks period, it sucks the life and happiness from your very soul. I had it for 4 years it practically drained me and left me with no self esteem or worthiness. 

I am not going to let it beat me and I am fresh out of the relationship after he came back and thought he did a 360 on me, nope didn't last long after a great weekend together he just said oh it wasn't flowing like I expected it too what a d...k. basically he said that I talked to someone and he didn't like it, again insecure d....k. 

So I liberated myself and decided I couldn't be afraid to lose him and realized I have to move on to better things because anything would be better than the torture I had.

Sent him a nice email felt so much better just to get it out.

Wow D this really opened my eyes because it seemed the more I wanted in our relationship the more I got punished so now I understand. 

I think deep down they punish so that you start expecting less and less from them. I did that with my ex: he took away everything from our marriage until the only thing I needed him for was money. And I flat out told him I didn't need to be married to him to get his money. 

I personally never want there to be a next time either with him or anyone else, I am in the angry stage, but going to acceptance I like that feeling. Before when we split I held out for him coming back each time, and I am not even married to him but this time I told him that I am not waiting until he thinks I am good enough to talk to, and that I am going to date other people and move on, and meant it. 

Mrs. B, what a crappy way to live I feel for you so much, it's all learnt behavior I know where mine got it it's a shame that they don't see it, and how it actually affects us, or that they have the empathy to care. 

I wish you the best. 
Peace


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

mrsball said:


> Thanks so much for all the replies, you have given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I know 2-3 days of ST is not bad compared to some, and I have read the other current ST threads here, but I don't like to compare. As far as I am concerned 1 day is too long and I cant imagine the heartache for those who have to suffer longer.
> 
> ...


Mine started out like yours with 1 day of ST, then 3 then 6 then a week, 3 weeks, and now the longest of them all: Almost 3 months! It doesn't even feel like ST anymore, it feels like a separation even though we still sleep in the same bed...

At least yours somewhat explains what happened in his brain tha caused the ST... not that it excuses it but at least you're not going nuts trying to figure out what you did! 

Think hard about the baby situation... As much as I adore my son, the decision to leave would have been so much easier if we didn't have children. 

I, like you, have a biological clock ticking louder and louder (almost 37) and for the past 2 years have wanted to have a second child.... and although we had agreed on 3 kids when we got married... I have to now beg for the second one (which when I think of my situation now, is not such a bad thing that H didn't want one.... it would have made things even harder for us) 

ST sucks... like someone said earlier: nip it in the bud.... don't be like me who spent 4 years (next mont our 4th anniversay) apologizing every single time for something I don't even know... this time I refuse to apologize and I told him that, guess thats why I'm still on the ST :scratchhead: Oh well... If I apologize again this time... how long will the next ST last? Call me stuborn but I ain't doing it... 

One day I WILL FIND THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO PACK UP AND LEAVE!!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wise Fairy said:


> Hi there,
> 
> The ST just sucks period, it sucks the life and happiness from your very soul. I had it for 4 years it practically drained me and left me with no self esteem or worthiness.
> 
> ...


Good for you for getting out! 

I am married to a great guy. A few times he has become upset to the point where he couldn't speak or say anything meaningful about the situation. But it passed in a few hours. 
He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. 
Good men are out there!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The funeral took your focus off him and he's punishing you for it. He's emotionally abusive and he should either seek help or you leave him.

Whatever you do, don't have children with this man. He will begrudge any time you give to your own children and make your lives unadulterated hell.

Here are some links, OP:-

http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html

http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

http://ebonny.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-cope-with-Silent-Treatment-Abuse


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Question: is the 180 effective by the non-PA spouse during ST in order to gain detachment and enable better decision-making? Would that depend on circumstance?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I would like to ditto all the ' don't have kids with him" folks... 

I grew up in a home where ST was used by my mother when she was mad.
It could go on for weeks, most of was aimed at my dad but there were times we children were ' sent to Conventry' (an English saying I think) or given the ST as well. 

It was just so awful and it has affected me as an adult.
I don't use ST...my sister and I vowed to NEVER use it. 
But I react really badly if i think someone (ie:hubby) is ignoring me. It really hits a nerve.

I also cry when i feel emotional... it seems to be how I deal with the feelings of anger, sadness, happiness. Not usually an all out boo-hooing cry but my eyes will well up with tears.

It's kind of a default setting me... have a cry...pathetic isn't it.

I blame my MOTHER!!!


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

I just hope I can heal from it all been through too much, but it's threads like these, and you tube self help videos, and recognizing what it was N. Behavior that help me realize it wasn't me. However I was responsible for allowing the treatment to continue as I didn't know how to deal with it, I did the apologizing every single time. 

I am totally the opposite fun loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, and I will not mirror his crappy image. 

The sad part about it all was that he has played surrogate husband to his mother all of his life and still does, I even told him that when I was upset one day and he just said well someone had to be there it kind of makes me feel sick, especially how she babies him and enables his behavior. I wasn't a mirror image of her so I didn't measure up.

I am glad I am out as painful as it is.:smthumbup:

D

On the plus side about good men, when a good male friend learnt that he was gone he came and cooked me a meal in my crockpot, and rubbed my back and I cried on his shoulder while he listened so yes there are good men out there, and some that are not afraid of your emotions, it hurt him to see how hurt I was. 

In all this I had forgotten what I really wanted what my needs were, because I was so used to nothing. 

And MrsB my dad just passed away he wasn't there for me he kept his distance no support no hugs he just said not to sound contrite or anything but he's gone. 

I deserve better, I will do better, now for the punching bag with his face on it.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

So I was sitting here and something came to mind I am sorry but I am laughing at the whole situation and since they won't talk how about this idea. 

The ex and I used to play scrabble so I am thinking of spelling out the words, Narcissistic and then continuing with other things like silent treatment and gluing them to the board and then returning it to him. 

Perhaps others can do the same ROFLAO.:lol:

Sorry but it's my mood today.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wise Fairy said:


> So I was sitting here and something came to mind I am sorry but I am laughing at the whole situation and since they won't talk how about this idea.
> 
> The ex and I used to play scrabble so I am thinking of spelling out the words, Narcissistic and then continuing with other things like silent treatment and gluing them to the board and then returning it to him.
> 
> ...


Ha! One time when he was giving me the ST over me taking the piece of meat he wanted on a chicken I was looking through the spices, I took out one and left it right in the middle of the counter "Dill weed".

Also when I was packing up I took all my books about marriage, abuse, PA, and put them inter mixed in all his lovely poetry and English books. I figured his gf could use them in the future. Ha.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> Question: is the 180 effective by the non-PA spouse during ST in order to gain detachment and enable better decision-making? Would that depend on circumstance?


Hell yeah. It's a sanity saver. Depending on the depth of the other persons craziness it can lead to further punishment and bad behavior. 
I think someone who isn't completely gone over to the dark side would be maybe interested in the fact that you are going on without them. 
In my ex's case, he just kept escalating until he was trying to keep me from leaving the house and threatening suicide.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

That sounds like ASPD. Geez. I'm glad you're out. Funny how he didn't do it, but moved on to another he could manipulate.

I did a 2-day 180 a few weeks ago and didn't return any of his argumentative messages after he'd tried to be silent for six hours. By the time I got home, all he said was "That doesn't work, does it?"

Nope, sure doesn't, but thanks for playing all by yourself, H.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Ha! One time when he was giving me the ST over me taking the piece of meat he wanted on a chicken I was looking through the spices, I took out one and left it right in the middle of the counter "Dill weed".


THIS is awesome! :rofl: And he probably had no clue! But you were cracking yourself up inside!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS is awesome! :rofl: And he probably had no clue! But you were cracking yourself up inside!


Also when I first learned about PA I got a book about it and hid it from him. We disagreed for years about him being PA. The more I pointed it out, the more he did it, and then insisted he wasn't doing it. 

So we got into another fight when he was being PA and I left the book "living with the PA man" on our bed. I came home and it was in the middle of the yard.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> That sounds like ASPD. Geez. I'm glad you're out. Funny how he didn't do it, but moved on to another he could manipulate.
> 
> I did a 2-day 180 a few weeks ago and didn't return any of his argumentative messages after he'd tried to be silent for six hours. By the time I got home, all he said was "That doesn't work, does it?"
> 
> Nope, sure doesn't, but thanks for playing all by yourself, H.


Yes I think he is a sociopath but enough of a narc that he needs to do the bare minimum to get his narc supply. He doesn't give a SHÎT about my d but it feeds into his narc and he knows that him staying in my life is annoying. 

I called 911 both times he threatened suicide. They took him to the ER first time and he talked his way out of an inpatient stay. 
When he called asking me to pick him up I was irate. 

Second time he talked to the cop and got him to leave.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

This is too funny you all I need a good laugh after the s...t Iv'e been through. 

He left it took a month or so to get out of the drudges of his hold, then the b.......d came back even tried to show my friends his Mr. Nice guy side at the weekend they didn't buy it but I did. 

Anyway he's disappeared again probably having his din dins over at his mommies house. 

More stories of hope please, and TL if you are reading this make notes.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wise Fairy said:


> This is too funny you all I need a good laugh after the s...t Iv'e been through.
> 
> He left it took a month or so to get out of the drudges of his hold, then the b.......d came back even tried to show my friends his Mr. Nice guy side at the weekend they didn't buy it but I did.
> 
> ...


We separated and he begged me to take him back. Someone was feeding him lines to say to me. I don't know why this person thought being a disingenuous liar would be a good idea. 
I finally took him back after a month because I felt like I owed it to my d. He was in IC and said all the right things but I really was skeptical. 

Our friends threw a huge party every year for winter solstice. He wanted us to go, I told him I didn't know since d was 2. He said she could sleep in their bedroom. 
I couldn't get her to sleep. It was 1 am, it was noisy, she was wide awake. I was going to have to spend the entire time with her in their room. 
He didn't want to leave. 
I told him I was leaving with her. He got SO pissed off. He expected to party and I was supposed to just stay in a dark room with her. 
I told him he could get a ride home with someone else but he drove us home. 
I knew it wasn't going to work bc he was the same selfish asz. 

We visited my family for Xmas. He stayed up all night the night before and spent most of the time asleep or working on his lap top. He got pissed off at me for not keeping d away from him while he was working in the middle of the kitchen. 

He started coming home late and saying he was stuck in traffic. He worked a mile from home. 
In March I confronted him and asked if he was having an affair. He said no. 
I told him he needed to tell me where he was going. Turned out he was going over to his friends houses to hang out and smoke pot. 
He claimed I didn't give him enough time to himself. 
He was mad that he had to smoke outside and hide it from d.
I told him I was going to spend the weekend at my moms to think. He started telling me he was going to break my stuff. I took pictures of everything and hid some things. 

I decided that I wanted a divorce. Best decision ever.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi all, 

I was with my ex for 4 years, he was charming at the beginning and I guess I fell for his boyish traits, heck he didn't even have to work to get me. 

There were many red flags at the beginning now looking back, when I didn't agree to go somewhere or do something he wanted to do I tried to compromise, but he would just leave sometimes friends would be around and see the behavior and would just say he will be back. Sure he was back a week or so at the beginning, but each break from him would last longer, but I was a fool for taking him back each time. 

I wasn't used to this and never saw this before but over 4 years it was his pattern, no communication, no trust, no love, no compliments. He always left me wondering what did I do, and off course I chased, and apologized sometimes still not knowing what I did wrong but tried to keep the peace, hence the egg shell walking dance. 

When he disappeared he would always run to his mother, who enabled him and fed him, heck she probably washed him too but I don't want to enter that thought into my head. When we went out in the car we always listened to her music went to the restaurants where she chose, holidays were always spent at hers, it was all about controlling everyone around her so I see where he gets it. I felt like I was the odd one out in this scenario, but I tried to be a good gf and keep peace always. But at the end I had, had it I told her very nicely sorry but you are the reason he is the way he is the lack of communication, you enable and baby. Her response was I am kept in the dark about his relationships, I said then come to the light lol! 

I can see now his insecurities, me just speaking to anyone but he wouldn't tell me it bothered him right away he would wait until it was just right for him to announce it, it seemed so absurd, talking to a man that had stage 4 cancer and being empathetic p.....d him off how messed up. This went on with everyone I dropped all of my friends because he wasn't feeling good about them and what they thought of him, so I didn't want baby to feel bad. 

He was never married not even to the mother of his child when younger, or to the woman he was with before me of 7 years, so all these things now point to his N nature and how he devalued everyone in his life. I saw his friends come and go, and how he would talk down about them, and how he treated his own brother with the ST, and that was after his brother was kind to him and bought him a gift. 

I settled for nothing and that's what I got, I have to learn that I am worth so much more, and want happiness in my life. 

I do feel sad that he took so much of my heart and the rejection over the years has left scars that I hope will heal. 

He sais he wants love which is a shame because it's in front of him, but if I can't make the casserole like his mother how can I compete?

These guys are little boys and have had to accept no responsibility for their actions in life and don't know how to have a real relationship where people actually have feelings they have no idea how to process it when you don't agree with them or to even communicate or compromise, blame was the game. 

There were times when it was good when we were doing things together, but negatives were thrown in to ruin the whole day. I always remember saying think of the positives do you have to think of the negatives, and also the paranoid behavior. 

Will work on me my issues to get stronger and stronger:smthumbup:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> Question: is the 180 effective by the non-PA spouse during ST in order to gain detachment and enable better decision-making? Would that depend on circumstance?


If the other person is truly abusive, doing the 180 is likely to cause them to up the ante and exacerbate the situation even further.

Abusers do what they do to gain control. If they feel like they're losing control, they turn up the heat.

Abusers aren't 'normal' people and their responses are at best unpredictable.


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

Wise Fairy said:


> This is too funny you all I need a good laugh after the s...t Iv'e been through.
> 
> He left it took a month or so to get out of the drudges of his hold, then the b.......d came back even tried to show my friends his Mr. Nice guy side at the weekend they didn't buy it but I did.
> 
> ...


Hi WF, 

Yes, I'm reading everything :smthumbup: and I'm taking mental notes... I've become a great reader these past weeks! LOL


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Abusers do what they do to gain control. If they feel like they're losing control, they turn up the heat.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> :iagree:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Troubledlinda said:


> Cosmos said:
> 
> 
> > Abusers do what they do to gain control. If they feel like they're losing control, they turn up the heat.
> ...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> *diwali*
> I think it's worth it to see just how strong their abusive tendencies are. But that's just me, I had had it, and I wasn't afraid of him.


I wasn't afraid of my abuser, either, Diwali, but I had to keep him 'sweet' so that I could go out to work and accumulate enough funds to plan my escape. His favourite tactic was to force me out of the house during the night and only let me back in around 9am. It was all a waste of time, though, because in the end I had to flea to a refuge (women's centre). Had I not left when I did, I truly believe that I would have ended up behind bars - and no abuser is worth that.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I wasn't afraid of my abuser, either, Diwali, but I had to keep him 'sweet' so that I could go out to work and accumulate enough funds to plan my escape. His favourite tactic was to force me out of the house during the night and only let me back in around 9am. It was all a waste of time, though, because in the end I had to flea to a refuge (women's centre). Had I not left when I did, I truly believe that I would have ended up behind bars - and no abuser is worth that.


I chose my battles. I ended up going through a shelter and they paid to have the locks changed on our house after he left. 
The fact that the police came out twice for his suicide threats and he never went to the hospital spoke volumes.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Mine reduced his overt abuse and is now 'back down' to 'standard' PA status again.

WF's thing about the stage 4 friend...yes. I get the tit-for-tat with a helping of hypocrisy thrown in. I've always been upfront and introduced my two life-long male friends to H when we were dating. Everyone knew his place, so to speak. The friends are invited out with us...and H will stay home. or H will call and *tell* me of work flirting, then weeks after I've had coffee with one of the friends and a group of people, H will tell me he's uncomfortable with that. ETA: Then he tells me *I'm* not being trustworthy. Oh, ok. I'll just come home from work 3 hours late too, tell him about flirting with coworkers, not disclose f they worked late too, and maybe stay out all night periodically, and then look around and say "whaaa? I can't go have fun?" Pshah.

Controlling the circumstances gets them babied. I'm convinced they want us to fix/replicate/assuage the relationships they had with their mothers. Freudian or not, that's what's very clear to me. H's mom is batsh!t crazy, total queen-waif alternating BPD. Mine was a waif, too, until I went NC with her for 7 months earlier this year and she buckled down in therapy. She's so different now!

it's not my job to be a blanket at all, much less to be made out to be a wet blanket when I assert myself. Hel1s to the no.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I chose my battles. I ended up going through a shelter and they paid to have the locks changed on our house after he left.
> The fact that the police came out twice for his suicide threats and he never went to the hospital spoke volumes.


Aaah.... The suicide threats... The ultimate form of control in an abuser's arsenal of manipulative tools! 

When my ex's many threats to top himself if I left failed, I then got the "I'm a dying man" letters!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My ex's parents are both very bizarre dysfunctional people. 
I think once I became a mother he just couldn't stop seeing me as her.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Aaah.... The suicide threats... The ultimate form of control in an abuser's arsenal of manipulative tools!
> 
> When my ex's many threats to top himself if I left failed, I then got the "I'm a dying man" letters!


Mine threatened suicide when he was throwing fits about something petty and I wanted to leave the house. I told him if he blocked me from leaving again I would call the police. 
So next time instead of blocking me he told me he was going to go slash his wrists and locked himself in the bathroom. 

During our first separation I found out later he didn't bathe for a month, barely changed his clothes, his friends had to force him to eat. I didn't realize that all of that is manipulative coming from someone like him. 
I think he really thought friends would tell me and Id feel sorry for him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Don't be like my MIL, who after 50 years of marriage still walks around on eggshells because she's afraid of my FIL's silent treatments. FIL can go WEEKS without talking.


This would have been me if I would have stayed in my marriage. I know that for a fact.



soccermom2three said:


> She has become passive aggressive, hides things and makes up stories, (lies) all because she doesn't want to make him mad. My husband and his brothers had to grow up asking each other when they got home from school, *"Is Dad talking yet? Is he still mad?" More than half the time they never knew what set him off. * From the stories my husband told me it's no way to grow up.


That is horrible.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know if this is a story of hope or just a story of "it's not me, it's you."

Since filing for D five years ago I have tried so hard to improve myself and make a great life for my daughter. 
I was living with my mom unemployed with no car five years ago. 
Within a year I got a job, bought a car and moved into our own house. 
Last year my husband and I moved into a house with just my name on the loan in the best school district in the area. 
In 2010 my daughter and I went Toronto. In 2011 I married my husband, had a nice wedding and went to Cancun for five days. Last year we took the kids to Florida for a week. 

While I was with him it was impossible to plan or save money for travel although he would go on about how much he loved traveling. 
As far as I know the only place he has taken d is to the city where his family lives and that's the only place he's been to in 20 years. 

My d is in one of the best children's choirs in the mid west. She has a great voice and I helped her work on her audition song. 
I've worked for the same company for almost five years, make more money than I ever had before. 

He literally started sleeping with the first woman who came along. He lives in her house and drives her car. He has had numerous garnishments for student loans, child support, and back taxes due. 
He looks like crap. 
And now I find out that DFS has to go back out to his house for some reason. 
I just really can't believe how many times he put me down and tried to keep me from succeeding or feeling good about myself. And this is what he has become.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Thank you once again for all the feedback and insight that people have given into how they live with, or deal with, a spouse who treats them this way. I'm really struggling with this, so it has been useful (if at times very saddening) to read the stories people have shared so graciously. 

One question asked that has stuck with me is why did I tell my H that I would leave him if he ever did it again, rather than leave him now. I guess my answer to that is that this is the first time that I have made him take responsibility for this, instead of apologising myself. I feel like I need to at least give him the chance to work on this with clear expectations, without just leaving with no real explanation. 

This week has been really tough, and I don't think that he really understands the type of hurt and decisions that I have been struggling with. He has even acted shocked a few times when I have called him out on some small, selfish thing that I would have let slide in the past. He asked just last night,"Is it, like, you know... that time of the month?" I told him straight out no, it was the way he was behaving towards me. 

Others will tell me I am crazy, and leaving now will save heartache later, but I can't just walk away. Hell, he might leave when he decides he can't be with someone who keeps telling him how she expects to be treated. It's tricky though because he either says he's no good at that "stuff" (communication, affection, intimacy, etc) or he says that just because everyone else does it doesn't mean he should.

Fair enough to say that four years of a certain pattern of behaviour can't be changed overnight, am I wrong to give him the chance? 

I have said that January is the deadline, and I know there are at least two events between now and then (my work Christmas function which inlcudes partners, and my family Christmas lunch) that have the potential to instigate another ST, so if it happens, he knows the consequences. At the same time, if I am trying to help him find ways to deal with tension, stress, expectation, etc I want to be really clear with him that shutting down is not acceptable and that he has to deal with it: I can stand by while he learns, but I can't do it for him...

Another interesting development... for all the talk of ST, PA and NPD, my mum who works in special ed told me that my H seems to have many aspergers traits, so that's giving me something else to consider. And if that's what it is, does that make a difference to my expectations and plans?

So confused.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

mrsball said:


> Thank you once again for all the feedback and insight that people have given into how they live with, or deal with, a spouse who treats them this way. I'm really struggling with this, so it has been useful (if at times very saddening) to read the stories people have shared so graciously.
> 
> One question asked that has stuck with me is why did I tell my H that I would leave him if he ever did it again, rather than leave him now. I guess my answer to that is that this is the first time that I have made him take responsibility for this, instead of apologising myself. I feel like I need to at least give him the chance to work on this with clear expectations, without just leaving with no real explanation.
> 
> ...


Honestly? I see some Aspie in my ex and I know that even with a disease he has choices. It's not an excuse. 
If he is Aspie then he needs to get help for it so you both can manage it.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Oh yes, Diwali, I didn't mean to imply seeing it as an excuse, just wondering if that should change how I approach this issue myself.

The "I can't help it" line has never worked on me, I have told him that if he can "help it" at work and not treat his coworkers like crap then he can help it at home too. I've always wondered why some people give the best of themselves to strangers and the worst of themselves to the ones they supposedly love...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

mrsball said:


> Oh yes, Diwali, I didn't mean to imply seeing it as an excuse, just wondering if that should change how I approach this issue myself.
> 
> The "I can't help it" line has never worked on me, I have told him that if he can "help it" at work and not treat his coworkers like crap then he can help it at home too. I've always wondered why some people give the best of themselves to strangers and the worst of themselves to the ones they supposedly love...


Exactly. 
I am to the point where I think he has BPD, NPD, he's a sociopath, he has brain damage., he's an Aspie....but really when it comes down to it he's just a selfish childish immoral abusive controlling A hole. 
At a certain point the diagnoses mean nothing. I was molested by my father and I have major depression and anxiety. Did I ever for a second try to use that as an excuse to make him feel like less than a person or take advantage of him? 
Hell no.
He lied to me about a lot of things in his child hood. Had I known the extent of the abuse and alcoholism of his father I would not have married him until he got some serious counseling.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

mrsball said:


> The "I can't help it" line has never worked on me, I have told him that if he can "help it" at work and not treat his coworkers like crap then he can help it at home too. I've always wondered why some people give the best of themselves to strangers and the worst of themselves to the ones they supposedly love...


This is where you have it all wrong. The "best" that you refer to is a facade. Completely 100% fake. They are naturally angry, low self esteem people. Never happy. What you see at home is the real him. It is exhausting for them to go all day pretending to kiss people's @sses. It makes them angry that they have to stoop to such levels for attention and praise. That is where you come in. He can come home and let his hair down.......and be sh!tty to you......his real self. And the sick part of it, is that although he is being cruel to you, it is making him just as happy, because he is getting the reaction he wants from you. He needs for someone to be more miserable than he is. And the bonus was that he did not have to pretend to get it. 

And you have it right.......SUPPOSEDLY love. They don't love. They use.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> This is where you have it all wrong. The "best" that you refer to is a facade. Completely 100% fake. They are naturally angry, low self esteem people. Never happy. What you see at home is the real him. It is exhausting for them to go all day pretending to kiss people's @sses. It makes them angry that they have to stoop to such levels for attention and praise. That is where you come in. He can come home and let his hair down.......and be sh!tty to you......his real self. And the sick part of it, is that although he is being cruel to you, it is making him just as happy, because he is getting the reaction he wants from you. He needs for someone to be more miserable than he is. And the bonus was that he did not have to pretend to get it.
> 
> And you have it right.......SUPPOSEDLY love. They don't love. They use.


Yes to all of it. Did you guys notice that the more you got involved, the more of a jerk they became? Like every step to commitment was a step closer to them showing their true selves.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

You are right, its what you do with a diagnosis, choose to work on it or let it control you I suppose.

I made a choice many years ago jot to let childhood traumas control my life, he seems to use them as an excuse of selfishness, self gratification and punishment of others...

My MIL asked me once during an ST while we were living with her if I regretted maring my H. I had to think long and hard before telling her that right at that time the thing I regretted was not being able to make an informed decision due to the lies he had told me or the omissions he had made.

If we were not married I would have walked away, I've told him before that I left other exs for less. Being married, I just want to be sure I have given every effort I can, but this is the very last push, the last effort.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

I think what you say about the facade is completely accurate in this case.

And the supposed love

Yes, the difficulty in maintaing the 'romance' was my first clue, my mistake was always being sucked in by the almost believable excuses. "I can't give you what younwant now because of X, as soon as we have X sorted out things will be different." When I asked him about Y and Z... no reply. No set of circumstances will ever be right, because right now he has things exactly as he wants them.

Or at least, he did until this week. I'm not playing along any more.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

mrsball said:


> I think what you say about the facade is completely accurate in this case.
> 
> And the supposed love
> 
> ...


Yep, there's always an excuse. 

I didn't find out until I wanted a D that he had seen his dad trying to choke his mom.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Did you guys notice that the more you got involved, the more of a jerk they became? Like every step to commitment was a step closer to them showing their true selves.


Yes. With my stbxh, I can look back on the marriage and see that getting married started it. He changed within an hour after the wedding. it is very obvious noticing the changes throughout the different stages of our son's life. It began when we found out I was pregnant. Things really intensified and shifted gears in our son's teen years. When our son became an adult, my stbxh morphed into something unrecognizable. He is on a path of destruction.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SaltInWound said:


> This is where you have it all wrong. The "best" that you refer to is a facade. Completely 100% fake. They are naturally angry, low self esteem people. Never happy. What you see at home is the real him. It is exhausting for them to go all day pretending to kiss people's @sses. It makes them angry that they have to stoop to such levels for attention and praise. That is where you come in. He can come home and let his hair down.......and be sh!tty to you......his real self. And the sick part of it, is that although he is being cruel to you, it is making him just as happy, because he is getting the reaction he wants from you. He needs for someone to be more miserable than he is. And the bonus was that he did not have to pretend to get it.
> 
> And you have it right.......SUPPOSEDLY love. They don't love. They use.


:iagree:

There is a way that could work and that's putting back on him the responsibility to handle his own anger and unhappiness. He would need to be willing to learn healthy ways of doing this. Exercise, listening to music and similar things that tame the mind would work. But this is all dependent on him being willing to do the work.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

mrsball said:


> Thanks so much for all the replies, you have given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I know 2-3 days of ST is not bad compared to some, and I have read the other current ST threads here, but I don't like to compare. As far as I am concerned 1 day is too long and I cant imagine the heartache for those who have to suffer longer.
> 
> ...



Poor excuses for bad behavior! Dont believe any of it.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi All, 

SIW 

This is where you have it all wrong. The "best" that you refer to is a facade. Completely 100% fake. They are naturally angry, low self esteem people. Never happy. What you see at home is the real him. It is exhausting for them to go all day pretending to kiss people's @sses. It makes them angry that they have to stoop to such levels for attention and praise. That is where you come in. He can come home and let his hair down.......and be sh!tty to you......his real self. And the sick part of it, is that although he is being cruel to you, it is making him just as happy, because he is getting the reaction he wants from you. He needs for someone to be more miserable than he is. And the bonus was that he did not have to pretend to get it. 

And you have it right.......SUPPOSEDLY love. They don't love. They use.

You know I went through a lot in childhood ok all the dysfunction, I had an abusive marriage and another abusive relationship I did seek help, I went to the shelters and got stronger so I thought hey I got this now.

And do you know what after all this education learning and terrible chit I can honestly say that this emotional abuse and ST has been the worst in my life absolutely. Now I am a strong person but my main issue has been co dependency still working on that.

The hurt from this past a...hole is painful beyond belief, here is the thing he left came bk, same over about 6 times and before he leaves it's like we had a great time, fun did stuff all day, then he leaves a few days later the ST so you don't even know what you have done or said. He used to say we are fine when it's just us, but it's when we get around other people, I mean that can't be helped can it? His projections OMG... unbelievable, but the thing that hurts the most is running back to his mother, being her surrogate husband it just makes me sick because he is not being a man but a boy.

At the beginning he was kind, charming, did compliment is it that like you said a façade? He had never been married or lived with anyone, I feel sad as I gave my all and now it hurts to think that he will give to someone else, but in my gut I know he will continue the behavior that gives me some satisfaction I guess. 

I just feel there was no closure I know I shouldn't give a rats as. but why do I feel like that? Is that the control? I did tell him before he came back I was done, and go find 3 other women to see how good you had it. 

I think he went because I found him out I told him he was a N. I called him out with his mother, it may have taken 4 years but at least that's all he got. 

Working on me loving me (it's hard but I am worthwhile, and deserve it).


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

To D: 

In my case you are so right on, after 4 years I asked for commitment, by next morning the key was left and he was gone that was one of the times. 

He said he knows what I need and want and wants to give me those things, but something is stopping him then the pull away starts. (Actually he had no idea because he didn't ask and I was afraid to tell him until the 4 year mark). 

He said he wants me to have friends,(but when I did I got punished with ST) to just be myself, (but wanted me to mirror him and his activities or be like his mother) and he doesn't want me to walk on egg shells around him, (but he broke the eggs).

As painful as it was I have let go now, I would rather feel the pain than not know wtf I did each time.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

mrsball said:


> Thank you once again for all the feedback and insight that people have given into how they live with, or deal with, a spouse who treats them this way. I'm really struggling with this, so it has been useful (if at times very saddening) to read the stories people have shared so graciously.
> 
> One question asked that has stuck with me is why did I tell my H that I would leave him if he ever did it again, rather than leave him now. I guess my answer to that is that this is the first time that I have made him take responsibility for this, instead of apologising myself. I feel like I need to at least give him the chance to work on this with clear expectations, without just leaving with no real explanation.
> 
> ...


Re bold above - It January, the deadline you mentioned. How were things at the events you mentioned? Hopefully he is learning to behave differently.


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