# A problem, and a rant...???



## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

In the past I have posted about my husband, and our sexual issues. What it boils down to is this - he is a stay ay home dad, I work full time. His sleep schedule is totally off the wall - he stays up all night, comes to bed after he gets the kids on the bus, gets up before they get home and does it all over again the next day. While this is not ideal....whatever, it works for now. 

The problems start when he wants sex daily, but refuses to come to bed with me, even for 30 minutes then get back up. So I am expected to wake up when he comes to bed (sometimes he does lay down at 4 or 5 am) or get up early and have sex before I get ready for work. If he were to wake me up...maybe that would be okay, and in the morning is fine, when I have time. Most of the time he doesn’t wake me up, or says he tries and I won’t get up. And if sex is not DAILY he gets upset, and by upset I mean it turns into a huge argument - if I am not f***ing him then I have to have a boyfriend, or I just want nothing to do with him. Neither of which is true.

Well, recently we had been on a pretty decent streak. I was trying hard and if I missed a day here or there he was not blowing up. Well, last night I woke up about 4:30 and he was getting ready to lay down. I got up for a drink then laid down with him and fell right back asleep. I woke up a short time later
(10 minutes maybe?) and tried to initiate and he made me stop, threw his arm around me and went to sleep. 

This morning he calls me screaming and cursing about something in the house that was not done. I said I was sorry and that I should have done it. He responded with "there are a lot of things you should have done" then hangs up on me and has refused to answer my calls or text since then. 

I am not opposed to sex with him, I like sex!! But I don’t think it’s outrageous for me to ask him to give up 30 minutes of his evening to spend with me or initiate things once in a while. But he wont. 
In his defense he did come spend almost all evening with me earlier this week. We were laying in bed watching TV and we both fell asleep and woke up in the early morning. He got up to do something on his computer and I asked him to come have sex before he got started doing whatever it was and he refused, telling me to just go back to sleep. 

Anyway....I just don’t know what to do. I am trying - or at least I think I am. And no matter what I do its never good enough, this seems to be the root of all our problems. 

What can I do to try to patch things up? Is there some compromise I can make, something else I should do? I just want to do the right thing for change.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

He sounds like a two-year-old. What did you forget to do, change him?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Pbeck said:


> In the past I have posted about my husband, and our sexual issues. What it boils down to is this - he is a stay ay home dad, I work full time. His sleep schedule is totally off the wall - he stays up all night, comes to bed after he gets the kids on the bus, gets up before they get home and does it all over again the next day. While this is not ideal....whatever, it works for now.
> 
> The problems start when he wants sex daily, but refuses to come to bed with me, even for 30 minutes then get back up. So I am expected to wake up when he comes to bed (sometimes he does lay down at 4 or 5 am) or get up early and have sex before I get ready for work. If he were to wake me up...maybe that would be okay, and in the morning is fine, when I have time. Most of the time he doesn’t wake me up, or says he tries and I won’t get up. And if sex is not DAILY he gets upset, and by upset I mean it turns into a huge argument - if I am not f***ing him then I have to have a boyfriend, or I just want nothing to do with him. Neither of which is true.
> 
> ...


Yours is reasonable, he's only looking at things how they suit him, and it's not a good long term position.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Tell him you married a man and nows the time for him to act like one. You want to make love to a man. A man respects his wife whether she works or not. And if he's going to stay up all night he won't lie down with you. Change your sleep schedule now. Be direct.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I do applaud your efforts to maintain a sexual relationship. But enuffs enuff.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> He sounds like a two-year-old. What did you forget to do, change him?


We got home late from softball practice with our girls last night, and I didnt put the left overs away before I went to bed, so there was a pot with mac-n-cheese left on the stove all night.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

I have another question - perhaps it hsould be a different thread but since I am already here.....

I have read a good bit here about the "nice guy" thing and how that ends up turning women off. Is there something like a "nice gal" that turns men off? 

I ask because it seems the harder I try, the more I "work" to make things better the less he tries and the more angry and short tempered he becomes.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, there is such a thing.

Please get this book immediately:

Why Men Marry *****es: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart: Sherry Argov: 9780743276375: Amazon.com: Books

I'm not joking. Don't let the title throw you off. It is basically for Nice Girls, like you.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> We got home late from softball practice with our girls last night, and I didnt put the left overs away before I went to bed, so there was a pot with mac-n-cheese left on the stove all night.


OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I wouldn't even have got upset over that. What does that take, all of 2 minutes to clean up and wash. It took more effort for him to pick up the phone and scream at you than it would have to clean that up. I assume since you said you forgot to that you likely clean up after yourself on a regular basis so this isn't some regular problem either.

Frankly, I look at it like how would you expect him to treat a stranger or a co-worker. He wouldn't yell or scream at one of them like that because if he did he'd get fired or he'd get his head punched in. So why is it ok with you, supposedly the love of his life?

You give him daily sex, which frankly 95% of the men in this world would kill for, get seemingly little in return, and then get screamed at over the phone for a small thing and then ignored?

Next time he starts to go off, stick a soother in his mouth.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> I have another question - perhaps it hsould be a different thread but since I am already here.....
> 
> I have read a good bit here about the "nice guy" thing and how that ends up turning women off. Is there something like a "nice gal" that turns men off?
> 
> I ask because it seems the harder I try, the more I "work" to make things better the less he tries and the more angry and short tempered he becomes.


Yep. It's not a turn off really, but rather some people are takers. They take as much as they can in a relationship, as much control, power, sex, money, whatever. 

Think of it like a pie and the two of you share it fully. The less you take, the more he gets. If you only take 20% he'll take 80%.

You are with a taker. He knows that if you try harder to be nice, that means he can try less to make the relationship work.

My ex-wife was the same way. She tried less and less and demanded more and more. And the more I gave, the less ground I had to stand on because I already had given up that ground to her, and she wasn't going to give it back without a hung fight. I bet like me, you think it's better to avoid the argument than try and take it back.

You say your husband is a stay at home dad, yet stays up all night and sleeps all day and ( I assume) has no kids at home to take care of during the day since you said he puts them on the bus and then goes back to bed. So what exactly does he do? 

Obviously it's not dishes.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Broadly speaking, the nice guy syndrome does put some women off and so what they suggest to men here is to pull a 180 - put more effort into self improvement, developing hobbies etc, not being a doormat waiting on their wife all the time. The changes should cause the wife to 'notice' them again, it refreshes the relationship.

I don't know if there is a female version exactly, but if you are the only one putting the effort in to your sex life and he is responding like this it could be because you have other issues in the relationship that need addressing, and also that you're not being a challenge. It's a biological thing, men like to feel they've 'won' a great woman and feel proud of them. You two may be in a natural dip right now and both need to air a few opinions, I mean if he's asleep most of the day and ignoring when you need to go to sleep he's being a jerk, you need a compromise. Having a man hanging around the house is not sexy, why would you want him every single day when he's acting like an adolescent? He needs to know that his behaviour doesn't help you want him. If you two have good communication then this should help get some things said and improved on, keep us updated and best of luck


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Pbeck said:


> We got home late from softball practice with our girls last night, and I didnt put the left overs away before I went to bed, so there was a pot with mac-n-cheese left on the stove all night.


Pbeck your being taken advantage of ...big time!

Can I ask who does the housework? Laundry, cleaning bathrooms/kitchen, dusting/vacuuming/mopping, majority of cooking etc? What about the yard work?

Sorry to say but just from you've written so far your man sounds incredibly immature and self centered. If he is treating you like this...it's because you're letting him. It's that simple really.

Also his sleeping habits could well lead to changes in behaviour. Humans are not meant to be nocturnal and it affects our health when we try to be that. He's not getting a natural day/night thing and his sleep/circadian cycle is out of whack. Shift workers often (try to) treat it with melatonin (the hormone that regulates your circadian cycle) tablets.... but just him getting up in the morning and getting some actual sunshine for 20 mins a day would make him feel better and get his hormones more balanced.

Why does he not work?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

your husband's schedule is crazy and not compatible with a family life. If he was an airline mechanic and this is the schedule he was given, that;s the way it is, but as a SAHD, he gets to choose his schedule. Why does he choose one that excludes you?

And he's off the wall accusing you of having a BF if you don't have sex every night. He's a control freak and not a nice one at all. You need to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. He treats your terribly.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.

I do all of the cooking, a large portion of the cleaning, and some of the laundry. We have 3 kids and each of them have chores so they do some of the work also. The yard? It has not been done at all this year. I just have not had the time or energy and it is in desperate need of attention now that I think of it. 

Someone earlier asked about him staying at home while the kids are at school. He stopped working before our youngest now 7 was in school and he just has not started back. He is also a disabled vet.. Not 100% but he does get disability every month. 

Maybe I am wrong but I don't really care about all too much. Help would be nice but I can handle the work. I just want my family to be right again. It was not always this way ( but has been for a couple of years) and I can't help but think there has to be something I did to change things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> In the past I have posted about my husband, and our sexual issues. What it boils down to is this - he is a stay ay home dad, I work full time. His sleep schedule is totally off the wall - he stays up all night, comes to bed after he gets the kids on the bus, gets up before they get home and does it all over again the next day. While this is not ideal....whatever, it works for now.
> 
> The problems start when he wants sex daily, but refuses to come to bed with me, even for 30 minutes then get back up. So I am expected to wake up when he comes to bed (sometimes he does lay down at 4 or 5 am) or get up early and have sex before I get ready for work. If he were to wake me up...maybe that would be okay, and in the morning is fine, when I have time. Most of the time he doesn’t wake me up, or says he tries and I won’t get up. And if sex is not DAILY he gets upset, and by upset I mean it turns into a huge argument - if I am not f***ing him then I have to have a boyfriend, or I just want nothing to do with him. Neither of which is true.
> 
> ...



Sounds like he can't handle being a stay at home dad and more like a child. All the chores should be done before you get home everyday and dinner ready. He doesn't work.

Needing sex every day and getting angry when not getting any, sounds like he can't deal with being a stay at home dad and sex is his release.

He needs to get a job for his sanity, even a part time job would do, but staying home all day? That would drive me crazy!!!

If my wife worked the full time job and I stayed home all day, taking care of kids, etc. I wouldn't feel like a man and provider and go stark raving mad.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

he sounds like your demanding 4th child. you do all this for him and the family, and HE goes ballistic when you leave out the mac and cheese? you are very very very nice. what exactly does he do to contribute to the marriage and raising the kids? this mooching lifestyle may be working for him, and why not?, but it's not working for you. does he know that? does he know that you are not happy? does he know that you are resentful? all your friends and family must wonder how you tolerate a SAHD that does not do much around the house. he really must feel entitled to all that you do and give.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

First off, I want to thank you all for your advice and opinions. 

Perhaps it is more marital problems than sex problems - whatever it is I feel at a loss of how to repair it. 

If I try to say anything about working around the house then I am calling him "a lazy bum" but if I complain that I didnt have time to do something then he tells me I never ask for his help and he would do it if I would just ask but I am too proud. And that in a way may be true, I dislike having to ask for help for anything. I have never thought of it as pride, but more I dont like having to ask for help when it is obvious what needs to be done. If you wanted to help you would - period. 

Someone mentioned moving the thread - how would I do that? Or is that something a moderator would have to take care of? 

Again, thank you all and I hope that perhaps I can hang around for a while. I might not give the best advice but who knows...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What is he bringing to the marriage?


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

The problem is your man doesn't feel alive. He isn't moving forward, conquering, or accomplishing something worthwhile in his mind. Men need a challenge. They find much of their self-esteem and self-worth through accomplishment and making an impact somewhere. I understand that getting plugged in and really helping at home is important, but it will not fulfill this deep need in most men.

He is feeling very insecure because he isn't doing what men do. He is doing what a teenage boy without a job and direction would do. Sex is the only thing left, as it validates him. Sex can easily become a measure of his performance in life. Men who perform well (find good jobs, make smart investments, work hard, succeed in life) often have a very easy time in the sexual realm. Women enjoy intimacy with men who are motivated and going somewhere; and a big bank account (the reward for his achievements) doesn't hurt to spice things up, either.

You guy is feeling trapped. He is stuck in a "low performance" cycle. It is the same cycle you see with men on welfare or on Native American reservations where men just get money for basically doing nothing. He needs to find a way to use his skills and be productive. You see this problem a lot in Finland, where women take the lead in the workforce and leadership of the country and businesses. Finnish men stay at home, demand sex, and drink lots of Vodka. The problem isn't that the women are now more successful and motivated. The problem is that when a man feels he cannot also be successful and motivated he starts into a tailspin.

He continues to shirk responsibilities and you end up doing more and more, taking up the slack. That is the sign of his tailspin. He needs to buck up, be a man again, and be responsible. But to do that, he also needs a goal -- something that excites and motivates him to take life by the throat again. Sex becomes very important to a man in his position because it tells him, "you haven't completely lost -- losers don't have lots of sex." If (probably when at this point) he loses sex, it will be his last bastion of hope that he isn't a "loser". 

The rules in life are pretty simple for a man. Win, and you get to enjoy the rewards (money, sex, good reputation, friends, etc.). Lose, and you don't get any of these things (even though you greatly desire them). That's why men are so dangerous or destructive when they aren't winning.

I'm not saying any of this is your fault. However, you are enabling him by continuing to take on responsibilities that belong to him. If I were in your husband's shoes, I would be watching porn every day (like I said, sex validates his worth, even if it is only artificial) and wishing I had something to accomplish that would really prove my worth. That's what my guess is that he is doing. He is stuck in a crazy cycle and needs to realize it somehow. And you aren't helping by just giving in to him.

Counseling could help. Will he read with you? Maybe the book, "Waking the Dead" would really help him. It helped me.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> he is a stay ay home dad


No, he is not. More like a stay at home DUD.

What does he do to earn "stay at home dad" status?

Doesn't sound like he does anything from what you've written...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.
> 
> I do all of the cooking, a large portion of the cleaning, and some of the laundry. We have 3 kids and each of them have chores so they do some of the work also. The yard? It has not been done at all this year. I just have not had the time or energy and it is in desperate need of attention now that I think of it.
> 
> ...





Pbeck said:


> First off, I want to thank you all for your advice and opinions.
> 
> Perhaps it is more marital problems than sex problems - whatever it is I feel at a loss of how to repair it.
> 
> ...


I'll reply to all of this. First though, be sure to read eyoup's post. Good advice. Get him to get back some of his 'manhood' so to speak, it might get him to chill the **** out.

As for what you posted above, you are blameshifting. You are heaping the blame on yourself. He thinks you're calling him a 'lazy bum' when you ask him to do anything, but when you don't ask he says you should because you have to much pride. And instead of calling him on this two-sided BS, you say 'yeah, I do have a lot of pride, guess it could be my fault.'

Horsekakky.

Listen, I'm not trying to throw you or your husband under the bus here. But, based on what you have written here, this is not an equal partnership. Marriage is supposed to be about each person supporting their partner, giving what each other wants and needs. My motto to a good marriage is to make whatever your spouse WANTS as something you NEED to give him/her.

It seems like you get that message, because you try to give him whatever he wants. Problem is, he doesn't return the courtesy. You want 30 minutes with him each night. No way. You want to not be woke up at 4 a.m. for sex. To bad. You want him to help out around the house. You get 'I'm just a lazy bum'. You leave mac n cheese on the stove, you get a nasty phone call and then ignored.

If your son or daughter married someone who did this to them, how would you feel? Would you think it's fair? Would you think it's right? Would you blame them for leaving that marriage?

I'm not saying you should leave, but I'm asking you to open your eyes and get a look at the whole picture. Do you know anyone who you can confide in, someone who preferably knows both you and your husband, and sees the two of you together. Someone who may see what is going on and can give you an honest, confidential opinion of what they think of you, him and the marriage? If you do, talk to that person and take what they have to say to heart, because it's likely the truth.

When I was married to my ex-wife, few people said anything to me about my marriage. After I got out somethings were said about what they saw, and at first I didn't agree with them. They said I was controlled, wasn't free to be me. That I really changed, etc. Now that I'm fully out and have been for years, I see what they mean. I look at how I am now versus how I was then and it's a radical change. A complete 180, and mostly in a positive way. I really wish now that those people would have told me what they seen when I was married, not after. So seek out some advice.

And by all means, hang around here. It's a good support group generally here, so enjoy and contribute. We all have unique expereinces to share.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

Hicks said:


> What is he bringing to the marriage?


What does he bring? Right now I find it hard to think of something. 

Previously (even after he stopped working a typical job) he was always going out with a friend and working on cars or boats (not much money but he was helping others and got a bit of pocket cash). 

He has never been one to much work in the house, but he would always do the yard work, and he was a sort of support. It might not sound like a lot, but it was greatly apericated. 

And while it didnt "contribute" to our marriage he used to love going to the rifle/pistol range and having target practice and working on guns. He does not do any of those things anymore though.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

eyuop said:


> The problem is your man doesn't feel alive. He isn't moving forward, conquering, or accomplishing something worthwhile in his mind. Men need a challenge. They find much of their self-esteem and self-worth through accomplishment and making an impact somewhere. I understand that getting plugged in and really helping at home is important, but it will not fulfill this deep need in most men.
> 
> He is feeling very insecure because he isn't doing what men do. He is doing what a teenage boy without a job and direction would do. Sex is the only thing left, as it validates him. Sex can easily become a measure of his performance in life. Men who perform well (find good jobs, make smart investments, work hard, succeed in life) often have a very easy time in the sexual realm. Women enjoy intimacy with men who are motivated and going somewhere; and a big bank account (the reward for his achievements) doesn't hurt to spice things up, either.
> 
> ...


He has many times told me that I "wear the pants" in our house now and that I have "taken away" his manhood. 

I certainly never intended to any such thing. The decision for him to stop working was pretty simple, and one we both made at the time. I had the much better, higher paying/better benefits job but we still could not afford day care, and after school for all 3 kids. So he started staying home. 

I never imagined then that it would turn into this - 

I understand and agree that he needs to DO something - hopefully outside of the house. I dont care if its work or fun (he used to love to hunt and fish but never goes anymore) but how do I get him to go? He is locked in front of his computer playing stupid online games (like WOW and StarWars) ALL the time. It was all I could do to get him to agree to be an Asst. Coach for the girls softball team this year.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Pbeck said:


> If I try to say anything about working around the house then I am calling him "a lazy bum" but if I complain that I didnt have time to do something then he tells me I never ask for his help and he would do it if I would just ask but I am too proud.


OK, so he's also passive-aggressive.



> And that in a way may be true, I dislike having to ask for help for anything. I have never thought of it as pride, but more I dont like having to ask for help when it is obvious what needs to be done. If you wanted to help you would - period.


More passive-aggressive hogwash. He's making you feel guilty for his shortcomings.

Besides the obvious problems you've brought it, it's also clear that your husband is a *manipulator*.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Pbeck said:


> He has many times told me that I "wear the pants" in our house now and that I have "taken away" his manhood.
> 
> I certainly never intended to any such thing.
> 
> I understand and agree that he needs to DO something - hopefully outside of the house..,hunt...fish...Coach for the girls softball team this year.


What he needs to do outside the home is hold down a job.

House-husband is an emasculating role for men. Few men can handle it.

Do you think he feels like a man when he talks to other men and tells them he's a house-husband? Do you think he feels masculine when he talks to women and tells them he's a house-husband? He doesn't.

At least in the world of online role playing games he can adopt a persona that has some masculinity. It may only be a fantasy, but at least he can feel masculine for a moment.

A lot of men validate their manhood via the job. Your husband may be one of them.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> What he needs to do outside the home is hold down a job.


It very well could be - he certainly never acted like this when he was working. 

I only ever mentioned him getting a job once in the last year or so. And then it was a simple suggested that I knew of an opening at my company he might be a good fit for. 

He got really upset and said he couldnt work because it would amke his child support go up and noone would be here for the kids when they get home from school - and a lot fo other excuses. 

Possibly that is because I suggested it? Or because it was with my company?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Pbeck said:


> Possibly that is because I suggested it? Or because it was with my company?


At your company? So he would have been the low paid guy married to a highly paid, important, career woman at the company? He would probably be called "Mr. Phyliss Beck" behind his back (or maybe even to his face depending on which department he worked in). Wouldn't it have been easier to just physically cut his balls off.

If he wasn't like this before he became a SAHD, then it seems obvious that's the problem. But, it needs to be someplace independent of you so he can make his own mark--carve out his own niche.

There's a lot more about working than just money that stokes men's egos. There's the responsibility and respect of their co-workers too.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Probably hard to fit porn into that heavy work schedule.


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> At your company? So he would have been the low paid guy married to a highly paid, important, career woman at the company? He would probably be called "Mr. Phyliss Beck" behind his back (or maybe even to his face depending on which department he worked in). Wouldn't it have been easier to just physically cut his balls off.QUOTE]
> 
> I certainly never intended that. Its not like I am high up on the corporate ladder myself. I would guess I being home much much less than most single income houses. Paying the bills in a constant struggle.
> 
> ...


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

I dont know what to do. I have left him alone all day because when I left this morning we were still fighting and I wanted him to have time to cool down. Plus I knew he had not gone to bed yet, and I didnt want to wake him up. 

I just got a text to the effect of - he knows I dont care but we are of out of cigarettes and he will make sure he pays me for them if I will just please get them on the way home. "there I begged also, how much lower do you want me to go". 

I never meant to cause him any harm or pain or make him feel like he should have to beg for something. 

I answered saying of course I would get it, and there was no need to pay me back or beg and I never meant for him to feel that way - and he doesn’t answer. 

<cry> I didnt mean to do anything wrong.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> We got home late from softball practice with our girls last night, and I didnt put the left overs away before I went to bed, so there was a pot with mac-n-cheese left on the stove all night.


Uh, HE is the house husband. That should be HIS job. He shouldn't get to play on the PC or goof off all night and sleep all day. His "job" is to keep the house clean, run errands, cook dinner and keep up with the kids.

Is his self-esteem suffering because of his lack of employment? Is that why he's taking it out on you? Because he needs to grow up. He should try to go to bed with you and be productive and AWAKE during the day so you two are on the same schedule for the betterment of your marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> It very well could be - he certainly never acted like this when he was working.
> 
> I only ever mentioned him getting a job once in the last year or so. And then it was a simple suggested that I knew of an opening at my company he might be a good fit for.
> 
> ...


Wait... what kid of low life doesn't want to work so he doesn't have to pay more child support for other kids he has????

Even if he DID pay more support, he would still be bringing more income to the household. So he's doing the bare minimum just because he has a grudge against the ex? And he's willing to let his other kids do with LESS because he's a lazy SOB???

How can you respect him? Why do you even CARE what he thinks? His opinion is worthless.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Wait... what kid of low life doesn't want to work so he doesn't have to pay more child support for other kids he has????


I suspect he was throwing back one of the pros from the pro & con list they made when they were discussing him becoming a SAHD.

I said earlier I think he's passive/aggressive. P/A's are angry and aggressive, but they hide it in a veil of passivity.

Agrees to do tasks (he'd rather not do), but then doesn't do them = P/A.

Agrees to do tasks (he'd rather not do), but then deliberately does them poorly = P/A.

Throws comments in people's faces, but then feigns that they were only innocent comments, he wasn't intending to be mean = P/A.

Do you think his wife (the only breadwinner) is happy about having to mail a check each month to her husband's ex-wife? If it didn't anger her she wouldn't be human.

"I can't get a job, because I'd have to pay more child support" is a direct jab at his wife. And he jabs, because he's angry about (1) having to pay child support, and (2) that he's reduced to having his wife pay his child support. 

The list he regurgitates when someone talks to him about getting a job is probably the entire "pro" list from their discussions about him quitting work. He's saying "this is what you wanted." Very P/A, imho.

They both seem to be dancing around a few issues. It would be better if they just put everything on the table without any games or accusations.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

why do you want to stay married to this guy?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> why do you want to stay married to this guy?


I'm not so sure he's a bad guy. It just seems like they have created a situation that neither has the communication skills or know-how to get out of.

Obviously, he has his shortcoming (I ripped him a couple of posts up), but I hardly think he's an evil-no-good person


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Agree. He's just lazy or weak willed. If he let the fact that being a SAHD caused him to lose his manhood, then he's just weak and cannot figure out how to take pride in whatever endeavor he pursues. If he is not depressed in any way, then he's purely lazy and wants to mooch off of his wife. I personally think he is a weak man who allowed his decision to be a SAHD to define him.


SAHD can be a very manly and proud position if you do it right. You take care of your responsibilities, provide your family and wife an advantage for you being in there, and you take care of yourself as well.

It's not designed for someone to sit back get lazy and feel sorry for themself. Man or woman. Either way it's a proud position to have.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

treyvion said:


> SAHD can be a very manly and proud position if you do it right. You take care of your responsibilities, provide your family and wife an advantage for you being in there, and you take care of yourself as well.
> 
> It's not designed for someone to sit back get lazy and feel sorry for themself. Man or woman. Either way it's a proud position to have.


So true. I know a SAHD (side bar, I think that acronym is kind of SAD) who was born for the role. He's awesome at it. It totally works for their family.

I know another who was was not cut out for it at all. It ended in divorce when he nearly strangled his wife in a fit of anger.


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