# Past baggage



## Second time (Mar 18, 2013)

I have read the forums and think this is a great resource, so I decided to ask a question that has been bothering me.....
My SO and I are both in our 30's and both divorced after long and unhappy marriages. Let me start by saving I absolutely love my SO beyond any doubt. I am in a very happy and healthy relationship and she is my soulmate. My family (who rightfully told me my ex was a mistake) all agree too. Everyday I love her even more and I intend to spend the rest of my life happy with her. She feels the same about me. She is not a rebound girl, I had been single and dating for a few years before we met and I was not looking to fall in love. 

Having said that, I really only have one issue, and it is not a major issue or a deal breaker by any means. But you don't get to be near 40 without some baggage. My original plan was just to ignore this issue and it really only pops up occasionally as an insecurity. 90% of the time, it isn't even a thought. I know it is my issue, but I read a few posts on here that made me think of it again and I believe people got so far off topic, the thing wasn't really discussed much. So here goes....

Obviously the topic is sex, since it is in this part of the forum. Lol. Like I said, neither of us are young. I had led a very wild and prolific sex life prior to my SO. She also was far from a virgin. We have sex daily and have had for long time. We are both HD.

There are a two certain acts, oral and anal, that are at issue for me. It doesn't really matter what the acts are, so please let's not get into some long debate about the morality of sex acts. My SO has made it clear that anal will never happen for me and oral will very rarely. I have received oral like maybe twice in last year. We do have PIV sex at least daily and it is good. Here is my issue with those two things. My SO used to perform both regularly with her ex. She also has told me that she has had anal with guys dating before she was married. And she has given oral every ex she has had, including some ONS. I don't really care about numbers or ONS she had when she was 20, I had my own. But I can't help feeling jealous and hurt that she allowed her exes to know intimacy with her in ways she pointedly denies me. I really could care less about anal, I have done it with others and I do enjoy it, but not a big deal. The deal is why would she make a huge point of denying it to me, when she told me she had done this with others, and not just once or twice? The subject is so touchy for her, I can't even bring it up without her becoming angry and refusing to talk about it. Not even as a joke. Now, to be fair, she did make it clear that these weren't going to happen from the beginning, but I can't help but feel that something is wrong with me or that she doesn't love me as much because I get such a hostile reaction to something she freely provided others. Unfair or not, it is how I feel. I am not trying to pressure her to have it, I wouldn't want it under those conditions anyways and if she gave in because I brought it up, I would feel even worse. But just wanted to air how I felt because I think I am probably not the only guy to deal with this. I think my only option is just to ignore it and embrace the fact that I have an awesome girl who is almost perfect. 

The reason this became an issue in first place is when we started dating, we decided to start completely open with each other about our baggage. It has been a godsend in every other aspect of our lives, no secrets, no surprises, we both have crazy stalker exes. Whenever topic of either would come up, she would talk about how she did then with her exes or used to masturbate anally with a vibrator. I tried to explain how it made me feel to tell me that and then tell me how I will never do those things (I don't think she realized it, we all have our dense moments) and asked her to please never bring up again. But now whenever the topic comes up, even as a joke (like the infamous steak and bJ day), it is a big elephant till it leaves the room. 

My past has been more adventurous then my SO and of course, I told her we could discuss anything that she had issue with or wanted to do. There is one thing (oral) that I don't enjoy giving and never had before her, but it is something she enjoys, so I do indulge her. 

Anyways, what do you think? Please don't give me endless lectures on how sex is only missionary with lights off for procreation, if that's what you like great, but you missed the entire purpose of the post.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Second time said:


> I have read the forums and think this is a great resource, so I decided to ask a question that has been bothering me.....
> My SO and I are both in our 30's and both divorced after long and unhappy marriages. Let me start by saving I absolutely love my SO beyond any doubt. I am in a very happy and healthy relationship and she is my soulmate. My family (who rightfully told me my ex was a mistake) all agree too. Everyday I love her even more and I intend to spend the rest of my life happy with her. She feels the same about me. She is not a rebound girl, I had been single and dating for a few years before we met and I was not looking to fall in love.
> 
> Having said that, I really only have one issue, and it is not a major issue or a deal breaker by any means. But you don't get to be near 40 without some baggage. My original plan was just to ignore this issue and it really only pops up occasionally as an insecurity. 90% of the time, it isn't even a thought. I know it is my issue, but I read a few posts on here that made me think of it again and I believe people got so far off topic, the thing wasn't really discussed much. So here goes....
> ...



It could be as simple as your size vs. her...Perhaps she knows what she can handle. and you are too big......This is the case in my marriage....Or it could be a medical issue....My wife once had an anal fisure, which required surgery, and was extremely painful...


Good luck
the woodchuck


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## Second time (Mar 18, 2013)

Woodchuck, sadly this is not the case. While, I would love to brag that I am the huge, I am bigger then average, but smaller then her huge ex. 

And it isn't just anal, but oral also. I know she has hemorroids sometimes, but she has had those for years and didn't cut off her ex except during flare ups.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry man, but I don't think she holds you in the same regard as she does her ex H and prior relationships. I get that anal can be controversial and that there could be a health issue with that. But I don't see any logic in her telling you not to expect oral sex if her MO was to give it regularly to everyone else prior to you. I think it's a significantly bigger issue than you realize. IMHO, she's laying the ground rules for what she is willing to provide to you vs her prior lovers. Basically, you don't rate as highly as them. She sees you as a comfortable mate that won't require as much effort, care or respect to maintain her relationship with you compared to every single other person she dated.

I would not accept this and would dump the woman if I were in your shoes. But if you continue to stay, then why would you ever give her oral sex? You don't like to do it, but you do it because you know she enjoys it. Funny how she can't extend you the same courtesy. Cut off any oral sex for her. What's fair is fair if you choose to stay with her. But...I wouldn't stick around...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Second time said:


> Woodchuck, sadly this is not the case. While, I would love to brag that I am the huge, I am bigger then average, but smaller then her huge ex.
> 
> And it isn't just anal, but oral also. I know she has hemorroids sometimes, but she has had those for years and didn't cut off her ex except during flare ups.




OK here go's...Wife would like anal but can't...So I put her on a massage table, all women love massage. I would get her bottom nice and oily, and then slip one hand under her palm up to fondle her vagina, while the other rubbed her butt. As she got hotter I would caress her analy using a well lube finger. When she almost reached an orgasm I would gently insert the well oiled finger and
get gradually more agressive till she orgasmed....She simply LOVED this and had the most exquisite orgasms from it....It should a good start towards anal with your wife....As for oral. almost never early on, now about half the time when I ask...2 times today....

Good lusk 
The woodchuck


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry man, but I don't think she holds you in the same regard as she does her ex H and prior relationships. I get that anal can be controversial and that there could be a health issue with that. But I don't see any logic in her telling you not to expect oral sex if her MO was to give it regularly to everyone else prior to you. I think it's a significantly bigger issue than you realize. IMHO, she's laying the ground rules for what she is willing to provide to you vs her prior lovers. Basically, you don't rate as highly as them. She sees you as a comfortable mate that won't require as much effort, care or respect to maintain her relationship with you compared to every single other person she dated.
> 
> I would not accept this and would dump the woman if I were in your shoes. But if you continue to stay, then why would you ever give her oral sex? You don't like to do it, but you do it because you know she enjoys it. Funny how she can't extend you the same courtesy. Cut off any oral sex for her. What's fair is fair if you choose to stay with her. But...I wouldn't stick around...


I agree with this. For some people there is a disconnect between a wild and sexual lover and a loving/responsible partner. I personally would feel disrespected. She probably feels like she is on vacation with you and can relax. That may also mean the effort may not always be there. Oral sex is something a woman does to please a man. If she was willing to do that for men she didn't know and not her soulmate, how awesome do you feel? Basically she is saying she will never stoop as low as to please a man again and you will have to accept that. It sounds like you have though.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Every woman is different.
The day I knew it was over between my X and I was the day she let me do anal. Why?
1) She had cheated on me
2) She had always been against it, allowing me this showed she had lost all selfrespect.
It's possible your SO has a new found respect for herself and she loves you as a =. It should be considered an honor to share her for who she is, instead of who she was. 
mouse


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to ask her! You need to tell her you feel less loved and less respected because she was able to do those thing for past lovers but won't with you. Don't sound like you're whining. Just say, I need to understand why you draw the line with me, when that wasn't the case with them. And don't let her get away with shutting down the conversation. This is an important issue to you. It's not that you are demanding she do these thing, you are demanding to understand why they are now off the table with you.

Choose the moment when she is most relaxed and feels the most intimacy with you. generally, right after you two have sex when you are cuddling. That should also put you in the right frame of mind to pose your question as an attempt to understand better as opposed to forcing her to validate her boundary.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Did she ever say why she didn't want to? Have you asked her? 

If she gets emotional perhaps she felt pressured or violated with these acts in the past.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> Did she ever say why she didn't want to? Have you asked her?
> 
> If she gets emotional perhaps she felt pressured or violated with these acts in the past.


I agree with you and Anon that the OP needs to have a candid discussion with his SO to determine why she made these statements. An elephant living in the living room is bad for a marriage.

Based on what we know so far, I can't see how his SO refusing to give him oral sex is a result of her feeling threatened by prior relationships. It seemed like it was part of her standard MO for every other relationship she ever had - including her husband of "X" years. My speculation is that she maybe loved oral with her ex H, but after their divorce, she may have sworn it off due to a painful divorce? The OP said that her ex was bigger than him, so maybe she was into "______ worship" if you know what I mean. Doing oral may be painful for her, so that is why she may have tabled it for the OP now. 

This is why I think there is probably a deeper - more important issue than just deciding to no longer have this type of sex. The OP needs to get to the bottom of it fast, because he is not #1 in her eyes. My instincts tell me that she "settled" for the OP, and that is why this was taken off the table for him. Won't address anal because that is a different situation that could involve other health issues.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

it sounds like she was honest about the boundaries she has in bed. She made it clear (before you were married?).

I really can't garner much sympathy here for you. If this was a case of bait and switch, I could see your point. But for whatever reason she has said no to oral and anal and you agreed to marry her (again, told you BEFORE marriage, right?)

But for advice, I'll tell you this. Anal was off limits with my wife for a long time. But I started gradually, not with the intent of getting anal sex, but just stimulating that area when I was performing anal on her. gradually she wanted more.

Like anything else, start slow. Put her and yourself in positions where getting oral or anal would be more likely (69 for oral for example). If your penis comes anywhere near her mouth, compliment her on it and tell her how much you liked it.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> it sounds like she was honest about the boundaries she has in bed. She made it clear (before you were married?).
> 
> I really can't garner much sympathy here for you. If this was a case of bait and switch, I could see your point. But for whatever reason she has said no to oral and anal and you agreed to marry her (again, told you BEFORE marriage, right?)
> 
> ...


I dont think starting slow and working up to stuff is the issue here. Obviously her mouth knew its way around a [email protected] And multiple times or whatever the OP said for anal. Not to mention she said she liked to masterbate with anal stimulation. Doesnt sound like a woman who is afraid of some back door action.

No, the OPs problem was being so in love in the begging that he thought "Yeah thats no biggie, I can live with no BJs and back door." But then he came back to reality as we all do, and his brain started thinking "why was it ok with those other guys and the ex-H? What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesnt she enjoy those things now? Am I not sexy and desirable to her?"

As others have said, OP and wife have to talk about this. Only way to feel better. Even if OP hears sh!t he might not want to.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> I dont think starting slow and working up to stuff is the issue here. Obviously her mouth knew its way around a [email protected] And multiple times or whatever the OP said for anal. Not to mention she said she liked to masterbate with anal stimulation. Doesnt sound like a woman who is afraid of some back door action.
> 
> No, the OPs problem was being so in love in the begging that he thought "Yeah thats no biggie, I can live with no BJs and back door." But then he came back to reality as we all do, and his brain started thinking "why was it ok with those other guys and the ex-H? What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesnt she enjoy those things now? Am I not sexy and desirable to her?"
> 
> As others have said, OP and wife have to talk about this. Only way to feel better. Even if OP hears sh!t he might not want to.


I don't think they are married, unless I missed it. He called her his SO and talked about dating, so I assumed they are still dating and have not married yet.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't think they are married, unless I missed it. He called her his SO and talked about dating, so I assumed they are still dating and have not married yet.


Oops missed that.

Hmmm some more things to think about then. :scratchhead:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Oops missed that.
> 
> Hmmm some more things to think about then. :scratchhead:


Yeah. I'm almost positive that the OP is a rebound for this woman, and that she is using him to get her itch scratched until she's ready to get back into the swing of things with a new guy. Sorry, but that's my take in light of the fact that she's cutting off things shes normally done with virtually every other partner she ever had and couple that with coming out of a bad divorce. She "friends with benefits" zoned you. She wants the sex, but you're not interesting/sexy/worthy or whatever enough for her at this time to allow herself to do oral and anal with you. Just my take.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Yeah. I'm almost positive that the OP is a rebound for this woman, and that she is using him to get her itch scratched until she's ready to get back into the swing of things with a new guy. Sorry, but that's my take in light of the fact that she's cutting off things shes normally done with virtually every other partner she ever had and couple that with coming out of a bad divorce. She "friends with benefits" zoned you. She wants the sex, but you're not interesting/sexy/worthy or whatever enough for her at this time to allow herself to do oral and anal with you. Just my take.


Agreed.

Have all ways told my wife if BJs were a complete no for her, it would have been a complete no for me and marriage. And for those getting ready to post "you pig" respones, its not about getting my d!ck sucked. Its about having a wife that loves and accepts all of me. I do the same for her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OP, Secondtime, after all this discussion and guessing, I think I speak for everyone when I ask you to please post back and tell us what this issue was? Once you have that open dialogue of course.


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