# priorities



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

so gentlemen, let me ask you a question.
which one is #1 on your priority list, if you're (happily)married?
job first, your wife first, or your children (if any)?

and why? thanks


----------



## uksean (Feb 4, 2013)

job,.. it keeps the wife happy, so cwork that one out. is it the means to the end? or ..?


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Wife - 1, Children - 2, Job - 3. 

She is my number one priority. She keeps the household running as smoothly as possible and takes care of the kids needs as best she can. Kids are second, especially when they are young. But, they need to learn they don't always get what they want an things don't always go their way. And, by seeing their mother being placed as top priority, they will, hopefully, learn how to have happy, healthy relationships. Job is third, because it is what it is - a job/career. My family understands when there are times I can't be home for certain things, or get called back in to work. It happens. But, when push comes to shove, job will always loose out to the important family stuff.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

That's Easy.

Wife #1, Son #2, Job #3

My world revolves around my Princess and my son. I have a GREAT job, but I can always get another job. I don't ever want to "get another family". I cherish what I have daily.


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Job is first, she stays home, and in 2007 when she split, realized that the job will still be there if she's gone.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'll answer for my husband. It used to be job first. His dad was the same way so he learned it from him.

But then he had a wake-up call where he finally saw that his priorities were screwed up. His job is important yes but not more important than me or our kids. 

His list now is me #1, kids #2, job #3. We are all VERY grateful and happy that he finally figured this out.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I have always been "work to live" not "live to work". 
So its Wife, Kids, Job for me as well.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think the marriage relationship is #1. Not her, but the relationship. It is the core of the family. Putting her #1 could be taken as meaning putting myself below her, and that is not healthy in any way!

The kids are #2.

Job is #3 but in reality it does affect everyone in the family so there are times we all make compromises. Staying late might mean missing a family meal or a kid's game, but it helps keep the job and the paycheck. 

Our job does not define who we are. It is only what we do to keep us and the family alive.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Not saying you are wrong, just wondering what the difference is. To me, they are one and the same. Without her, you have no marriage. If you mean you will not cater to her every need, I understand and agree. No one can do this in any relationship, not just marriage.


I get it and he's right. Technically HE should come first then her. That's what he's trying to say in a round about way I think. 

I'm actually trying to teach my husband this. It's great that he's finally putting me higher on the priority list but he's forgotten about himself. From his perspective he should matter more than me.


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Yeah, I say 'family' #1. Everything else... #37.

Is that a copout? Family means attention to the wife, attention to the kids, doing things together, doing a good job at work and therefore getting a good paycheck..all of it. Sometimes that means Job is #1, sometimes that means Kids #1, sometimes that means wife is #1, sometimes that means 'I' am #1. Sometimes it means the little job in the attic is #1.

We have been together 25 years - pretty happy all around. 

Its a balance. When everything is working like a well oiled machine (yeah right!) - nobody is clamoring for more attention and nobody feels slighted or needy. I think actually deciding you have granular priorities like this might be problematic.

Then again - its probably just symantics. We are all saying the same thing here from 5 different directions.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Not saying you are wrong, just wondering what the difference is. To me, they are one and the same. Without her, you have no marriage. If you mean you will not cater to her every need, I understand and agree. No one can do this in any relationship, not just marriage.


It is the difference between treating her as a princess vs being in a partnership. I screwed this one up big time as a Really Nice Guy. 

In the abstract it does not matter who is my wife, what matters is I have a fulfilling healthy marriage. We both need to be healthy participants in the partnership.

If I put her as an individual as my #1 priority bad things happen. She learns to take advantage of her privileged position. She gets spoiled. I believe wives are like teenagers, they need to know there are limits, and they want limits. If no limits are established she will push to find the limits. In TAM parlance this is the beta husband whose wife loses respect for him, treats him poorly, and maybe has an affair. The husband can become enmeshed or codependent by putting her first.

The relationship needs to be nourished. Putting the priority on the both of us should result in both of us getting our needs and desires met.


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

Not sure how to answer this. I dont really think that way and Im not sure it is realistic.

Underemployment or lack of employment leads to homelessness which is a catastrophic let down of your family.

I'm in an enormously demanding career, which provides my family with a pretty incredible lifestyle, so sometimes the job simply must come first.

That is a sacrifice we *all* make and my wife 'gets' that. She wouldnt want me to quit and work part time stocking shelves at the supermarket so I could fully ignore work. The possibilities and stability that come with the lifestyle make the sacrifices worth it to us.

That said, my kids and wife are always foremost in my mind and even when work is at its most intense, I try to take some time out for "quality time". I make sure that my daughter has a strong and present father figure and that my wife has what she needs. We've weathered some pretty brutal storms and it is always a work in progress.

I think this stuff is always situational. An absolute stack rank just isnt realistic to me, but that's me.

As an example I just learned that for the next 3 weeks I will barely be home. Last minute notice that I will need to spend 5 days in NYC, followed by 5 in Nashville followed by 5 in Seattle. I am commuting distance to NYC so those will be long days, but at least I sleep at home.

Times like this suck, but if I wasnt willing to do that I wouldnt be anywhere near the income level I am at or in the field I am in and neither of us would want that.


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

My parents had one of the best relationships I've every seen, 45 years of love and partnership. 

My father once told me, that his priorities in life were 1. His wife, 2. His children, 3. His job. 
BUT
He said that my mother's priorities were 1. Her children, 2. Her husband, 3. Her job. 

He said that understanding, accepting and sometimes negotiating with her to make time for them was part of what kept their marriage successful. He said that he didn't resent her for making their children a priority, he felt it was human instinct - mothers love and he was proud of her for the wonderful mother she was. It was his instinct to bond with his woman and she understood that. Somehow they kept things balanced and understood each others needs and it worked. 

I never heard a man to this day say anything like this. It's an interesting insight and not something my husband understood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> My parents had one of the best relationships I've every seen, 45 years of love and partnership.
> 
> My father once told me, that his priorities in life were 1. His wife, 2. His children, 3. His job.
> BUT
> ...


Yes! I totally understand this (at least the wife aspect). For her our daughter is absolutely #1 and I am very happy about that. It's exactly as it should be IMO. She is a SAHM so it makes sense, but it is not always the case with everyone.

If I had to force a stack rank for her I would say that these days her priorities are 1) daughter and then 2) me and then 3) herself 

I try to get her to put me last actually but she won't/doesn't/can't for various reasons.


----------



## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Thor said:


> It is the difference between treating her as a princess vs being in a partnership. I screwed this one up big time as a Really Nice Guy.
> 
> In the abstract it does not matter who is my wife, what matters is I have a fulfilling healthy marriage. We both need to be healthy participants in the partnership.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I've never heard it put so succinctly, but there it is.

If I make the marriage #1 and not my W, then I feel like we're both working toward a common goal while I maintain my my sense of self-respect and self-worth.

Like Thor, my W can sometimes be like a kid: She's gonna push and push to see what she can get away with. If I make her #1, then she'll start taking advantage of that.

By making the marriage #1, my W and I have laid a framework for keeping each other accountable to the marriage. If I'd made my W #1, then it's just me being accountable to her, and that's it.

That's just our marriage, though, and I can see how many other H's don't have to think of it that way.


----------



## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> and she's not the 'queen', she's my partner? Makes sense if I'm on the right track.


That's exactly how I think of it. However, I have a very egalitarian view of marriage.

A MC once put it to me like this: There are three entities in a marriage, the husband, the wife, and the marriage itself. The H and W must strive to feed and nurture the marriage.

In my marriage, I do not feel that is possible if I'm putting my W first instead of the marriage.


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

interesting answers, i see..
it's safe to say that the marriage comes first, but it makes sense to say that the job is utterly important because without income or little income, any marriage will be disaster.

and from what i read, do you gentlemen think that making your wife as number one priority automatically equals to treating her like a princess ? doesn't seem that way to me, but, seriously, this princess thing is interesting. care enough to share your thoughts?  thanks


----------



## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

My wife has always been and will always be my top priority. Then the kids, then the job.

And yes, I treat her like she's the most precious thing on the planet, because to me, she is.
Does she take advantage of this? No. She treats me as though I'm the greatest thing she's ever seen.
The fact that we put the other first gives us an incredibly strong, loving and intense bond.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> do you gentlemen think that making your wife as number one priority automatically equals to treating her like a princess ? doesn't seem that way to me, but, seriously, this princess thing is interesting. care enough to share your thoughts?  thanks


Perhaps it depends on how one defines first priority.

I worked for 5 years at a job I really hated so my wife could attend grad school. My choice of job was elsewhere. On a smaller scale it meant not doing some of my own activities when there was something she wanted done. Or when going out to dinner she would not like my choice so I'd agree to her preference.

So there are 3 levels of putting my preferences behind hers. What did I get for it? Her published dissertation (for her Ph.D.) had a really nice dedication inside the front cover to our toddler daughter. She did not not thank me (her husband) or even acknowledge my existence!

When I put my own life secondary to hers she learned I was her personal on-call handyman and chore doer. When I acceded her preferences on the minor things she saw me as beta.

Had I put the _relationship_ first I would also have been looking out for my own interests in addition to hers. We would have had a stronger marriage and both been happier.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Raising our kids to be healthy, responsible, respectable, adults is job #1 but making the kids fit into the family instead of the family orbiting the kids is important. At some point the kids grow up and move out and then the love between mom and dad better be there. So the spouse is priority (unless it directly conflicts with job #1). We certainly would have less coddling and less narcissistic, spoiled naive, entitled kids growing up if more parents put each other first instead of being super dad or super mom while neglecting being a decent partner.


----------



## cowboy1 (Nov 22, 2012)

Judge the priority by actions, not just words. I'm not saying people are lying by any means. I'm just saying that sometimes we think we're prioritizing something, but our actions and the time spent on something is actually quite different from the truth. Just food for thought.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Thudarr,
> 
> Think about this. I'm not being snarky. If you don't have a job, you can't physically do the things you are saying. Do you then move your priorities to your job being first? It seems like it is the chicken and the egg question, almost.
> 
> ...


Good question and great answer. Priorities are circular sometimes. To meet priorities like family, a job for example becomes more important purely to provide for them. It's a tool needed for most (maybe I should buy a lotto ticket though). You're right though 2nt that at the core of everything is ourselves. We can't really do anything for anyone else if we have our own demons sabotaging us.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> so gentlemen, let me ask you a question.
> which one is #1 on your priority list, if you're (happily)married?
> job first, your wife first, or your children (if any)?
> 
> and why? thanks


I am going to try to answer this how me & my husband feel on it... Although NOTHING is more important to us than *Family*.... ours is Big and his Job is damn important... from the time we got married, we managed our Living / family time, everything AROUND being faithful to our Jobs...then it was mainly HIS JOB.....

My husband NEVER misses work, would never turn down overtime in those early years (today it is less of something he jumps at)... Even when I had each C-section, I didn't want him to take off work for that....all I cared was he was there during the birth, got to hold the baby seeing all was well.... then I'd push him out to go to work - so he wouldn't miss any days....

I always wanted those precious "vacation days" saved for when I felt good, not recuperating from surgery...I'd handle it. 

But he is a blue collar worker, so he never brings "work home" besides some studying for a few Tests a year. 

So in this way... how can I not say WORK is #1...our life & the smooth running of our family hinges on his income ... so we manage our time & enjoyment of each other around this primarily... 

He purposely chose 2 weekdays off (could have had weekends)....just so we'd have more time alone - when the kids are in school... and he's still home every day after 3:30 for the kids / family time...this way he gets to go to their Tract meets, Evening Band concerts, watch movies with the kids, whatever comes up... 

We feel like we have a good balance in these things.


----------



## Happily Married Guy (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess I don't differentiate as they are all a single priority and connected, without one the others may collapse. My work provides the well being and security for the family. My relationship with my wife provides me with the strength and confidence to take on anything. Raising my kids to be intelligent responsible adults is a team effort for my wife and I.

I don't want a princess for a wife, or have to treat her like a princess to keep her. My wife is a strong, intelligent, highly motivated individual that let's me know what she needs and wants, and I do the same with her. She is not up on a pedestal because in my experience it is easy to fall when you're lifted too high by others. We both have interests outside the home/family to keep us connected with people and things beyond the family. Without that piece things can get stale which can lead to a bad outcome.

These are not statements of facts that can applied to any relationship, these are my views on my relationship with my wife and kids and it works for us. Everybody has to set their own priorities based on the individuals involved in the equation.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> I was told to do the same in some circumstances. Once, she had some elective surgery and she kept changing the date and I had some trepidation about continually changing the date I needed off of work.


 I could easily understand this, even I would be highly uncomfortable for my husband to be a pain to his boss changing dates, that would be a NO NO - on my end even. It's important to have a good standing at work.



> I spoke to her about this and we came to an understanding, I thought. She had her mother and her brothers and their wives/girlfriend there for her and I ended up coming over after work. I had my cell if anything was needed. She approved of this.
> 
> After she left, I payed the price for this choice. I was sandbagged or gas lighted? Not sure what it is called, but it is abusive to have a serious caring conversation and be told one thing and then have it complained about later to one and all because you made a choice and couldn't live with it.(looks at self in mirror???)


Your ex-wife did you very wrong in this....rewriting history even .... turning something around on you that SHE Ok'd, at the time...Yep, her wrath after the fact was hypocritical.... 

The only times I even recall my husband calling off was for his Dad's funeral, and when our son almost severed his arm putting it through a window - he was having surgery the next morning & that was 2 hrs away...obviously VERY important. His boss knows if he is asking... it's a Big deal.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If I had to answer for my husband it would be:

Job
providing for family (duties)
car
kids
me

Had to get real about that shet. Admitting it to myself was crap hard.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks 

It's not pain so much as it's "Whoa"...shock, maybe? lol. Or just "Oooh now all things make some sense" as to his behavior. I'm not in pain though. Just more along the lines of "Dang. I was duped."


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Good question and great answer. Priorities are circular sometimes. To meet priorities like family, a job for example becomes more important purely to provide for them. It's a tool needed for most (maybe I should buy a lotto ticket though). You're right though 2nt that at the core of everything is ourselves. We can't really do anything for anyone else if we have our own demons sabotaging us.


:iagree:
circular. keyword :smthumbup:


----------



## izzard (Feb 9, 2013)

#1 - marriage - partners [ BUT I have not made that clear enough nor have I showed it enough via my actions to her / or to the children - argh!!! ]

#2 - family incl children - parent<->children & siblings<->siblings - they are all a unit together

#3 -job- it IS important in that it brings in the $ that makes living possible (and mostly comfortable); and it does have its good bits (i.e. is mostly ok/good job many would envy) - but I could survive w/o it - even if the initial period would be a wrench (change routine/find new $ source)


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Sort of a trick question about Job............we have to have one and we both know at times you have to stay late etc, so I'll throw that one out the window. Leave the family for a promotion, leave for weeks or months to make more money, stuff like that a big no for me. 

Wife
Kids
Me

In that order!


----------

