# First Post-Divorce Encounter with Another Woman



## damionco (May 13, 2013)

So, I am hoping to get some help here. I have been divorced for almost a year now and the XW has been gone for close to three. I have been hanging out with a woman lately, initially as part of a group, but more recently one-on-one (by her choice). I had not moved to start anything with her. She is really nice and I like her a lot as a friend, but a few nights ago it took a turn. We began talking about our failed relationships and then it turned to talk of the sex issues with our former significant others.

Now, I have to add that I had a feeling that there was an attraction there from some of the things that she had said, but I wasn't sure. That all came crashing down on top of during that night. She apparently is attracted to me, but doesn't want a relationship. She wants a friends with benefits relationship. No commitment, just sex. 

So here is the crux of the situation. I tried to talk her out of it for several reasons which I will not get into. I am not really comfortable with the arrangement, but we did make out for several minutes that night. Don't get me wrong, a big part of me is saying to hell with it, just do it. But the logical side of me is being tortured. I couldn't sleep, I have weird feelings in my stomach and chest (not pain, more akin to a post adrenaline rush). I thought that it would be dropped the next day, but that didn't happen. 

Anyone have any experience or advice? I think I just need to have some input to see where I stand on this. I don't know if it is anxiety or something else. The physical reaction is the weirdest part. It has been almost constant since I woke up the day after. 

Help, please.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

damionco said:


> I tried to talk her out of it for several reasons which I will not get into. I am not really comfortable with the arrangement


It sounds like you don't want to be intimate with this woman. Don't let her make your mind up about that, if you don't want to, DON'T!

Now why in the hell don't you want to be intimate with this woman?

Getting physical with another woman was the best therapy I ever got post separation, but I know we're not all the same.

I did tell this woman that I didn't want to keep sleeping with her if she was sleeping with other men, and _I_ think that's fair. If you don't want to be part of her rotation just tell her so and see what she says. If she wants to be free to sleep around while you guys are sexually active you could always just turn it down.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

I don't get the feeling that this would be something where she would be sleeping with others as well. That would be an absolute dealbreaker. 

I really like her as a friend, one of my biggest issues is that I would lose her as a friend if everything went south. I also don't know if I would get too attached if it did happen. My ex may be gone, but there is still some stuff I am dealing with in my head. Oh, and the ex...already dating and "in love". 

Maybe I'm just too beta. I haven't ever been a really outgoing person. I have a tough time connecting with other people, mostly due to my own issues and self-image problems. Once again, part of me is screaming do it! But at this point, it is 6/5 and pick 'em which way I go. And, let's face it, probably some performance anxiety as well. Been a long time since I took the stage as it were. Much longer than I have been separated/divorced.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

damionco said:


> I don't get the feeling that this would be something where she would be sleeping with others as well. That would be an absolute dealbreaker.


For me too, at least a deal breaker for anything beyond a ONS.



damionco said:


> I really like her as a friend, one of my biggest issues is that I would lose her as a friend if everything went south.





damionco said:


> Maybe I'm just too beta


I'd say "yup".



damionco said:


> I also don't know if I would get too attached if it did happen.


I know I would (and did) but I think this might be a practice thing. You have to have risk to have reward



damionco said:


> My ex may be gone, but there is still some stuff I am dealing with in my head. Oh, and the ex...already dating and "in love".
> 
> Maybe I'm just too beta. I haven't ever been a really outgoing person. I have a tough time connecting with other people, mostly due to my own issues and self-image problems.


This takes practice practice practice. I'm working on the same issues.



damionco said:


> Once again, part of me is screaming do it! But at this point, it is 6/5 and pick 'em which way I go. And, let's face it, probably some performance anxiety as well. Been a long time since I took the stage as it were. Much longer than I have been separated/divorced.


Be honest about this stuff. You're lucky that she is pursuing you in this regard. It was tough for me when I had made myself out to be some macho dude and then to have performance anxiety and all that. Just take your time and be comfortable in your own skin. 

And for crying out loud, if you don't do this you'll probably kick yourself in your ass for the rest of your life. Assuming you are attracted to her and not just hooking up your emotional suction cups to her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you're not sexually attracted to her, don't have sex with her. If you are, you're both consenting adults, so do what makes sense. If you have moral issues, that's fine, but do think about why you do and what are the real issue behind your views. Do they hold up to logical scrutiny? If you're still uncomfortable with the idea, then do not pursue it. It may simply be that your comfort zone only permits sex within a commited relationship.

Even if it doesn't work out, you can remain friends, as long as you don't do or say anything unforgiveable. Having been in a number of FWB situations, and having remained friends with all of them once the "benefits" ended, I know it's possible. However, not everyone can manage this.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Disenchanted - You are right, I am lucky in that aspect. Strangely, all of my three (yes 3) "relationships have been because they have pursued me. Not that I haven't, but always got shot down and really stopped trying after a certain point. I'm not young either, pushing 40 at this point. 

Strange mix with me. When it comes to women I am very beta, when it comes to my professional life, I am an alpha. I think because I am secure in my intellect for the most part, but my self-image is that of someone who is going to be passed over for the better looking guys in the room as it were. Not that I consider myself unattractive, just weight issues really. This whole thing just kind of fell in my lap (no pun intended) and I am really trying to work it out in my head. Doesn't help that I can't talk to any of my friends about it, because we agreed to keep this all quiet (at least for now), she knows most of my friends.

Married - I am attracted, don't get me wrong. I have had thoughts about the possibility before any of this came up. She is intelligent, attractive, fun (maybe an overload on fun some times), funny, likes a lot of the same stuff as me. Being such an amateur at relationships, I am really worried about my getting attached and her not. There is always the opposite case as well to consider. I can be a hopeless romantic at times.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?

You are a classic "Nice Guy", just like me.

If you haven't read it, do so.


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## damionco (May 13, 2013)

So, first thanks for the advice to all who responded. Woke up feeling a lot better today. I had about 4 hours of sleep the last few nights and I think it was making me much more nervous about the whole situation than I probably would have been otherwise. 

Disenchanted - I am a "Nice Guy", which is probably why I have spent most of my life in the friend zone with the women I am attracted to. I will have to check out the book, hopefully it gives me the motivation I need to change some things in my life. Or, should I say, helps me realize what I need to do to get the things I want out of life. 

Sad fact is, I don't have much to complain about. No kids, so the divorce didn't cause any issues there. Great job, house, car, etc. The only things in my life that I really haven't worked toward are getting the graduate degree I want and finding someone to share my time with. Neither easy, but both attainable with some work.

She sent me a message today saying that she wants to spend some time with me this weekend. She's hanging out with her friends this afternoon, but we are planning on meeting this evening to go out and have some fun together. It really does boost the ego when someone actually wants to spend time with you, and I think I need it after the drawn out divorce. There's nothing that crushes you quite like having the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with telling you that they are leaving (at least in my experience).


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