# What to do?



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

So my H tells me that he loves me and he also loves the OW, in a different way. He almost made it sound like he loved her more or better? I don't know how to explain it. WTH!?! He started going to counselling yesterday. The thing is, is I am not going to compete for my H love. I am trying to be here, I am trying to get through this. I just don't know if I can. I cannot believe that this is happening. If he is questioning if he wants to be with me, with his family, when do I say enough, make up your mind! He is putting me through hell and i hate him for it. We had brought up seperation after the holidays, is that the best answer right now? I have no idea.


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

How long have you been together?
How long has he been seeing the other woman?
What was your relationship like with your husband leading up to your discovery of his infidelity?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi,
You are going through something similar to me, I found out my husband had an affair with someone he works with he is 54 she is 10 years younger. Our marriage was in a bad place but never did I think he would have an affair and have feelings for someone else...It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me for the last month.
He now says he doesn't know what he wants, but he has feelings for the other woman and he is not sure how he feels about me, we have been married 22 years, together 27. 2 grown sons, a good life and family.....
I think there is a lot of things in a situation like this that would take a tremendous amount of work to come to terms with.
I have never wanted a divorce but I'm like you, I can't deal with the mixed emotions on his part.
I figure he made his decision when he went to someone else, I will not play 2nd fiddle to any other woman, I also believe what he did was wrong morally, if you want out you wait till one relationship is over, you don't hurt someone you have been married to for a lot of years with an affair.
I find the whole thing disrespectful and I think for me it's time to put my self respect first and cut him loose to be with her.
We have also put off telling anyone or making any plans till after Xmas. Seems appropriate for us, start a new way of living in the new year, fresh start for me and I don't intend to worry about him anymore, he has made his bed and he will have to deal with that and whatever that brings for him.
What else can we do with what they tell us, other than to except it and move on with our own lives......
sorry so long. keep posting her to build your strength


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Blue-

We have been together 11 years, married 9. As far as I know the EA was end of June until I found out in the beginning of September. I don't know when it turned physical, i think in Aug sometime. Our relationship has been ok, not really passionate, but our sex life had never been lacking. We never really talked, we talked, but haven't REALLY talked in quite sometime. We still spent time together regularly as a family, we would sometimes do things just the 2 of us but it is hard with 2 small children. Since i found out about the EA and PA we have been way more open with eachother, we have been communicating. I just don't understand how he can say he loves me and her in the same sentence. I don't think he knows what love is. How can he...?


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Jessi-

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. I almost wish my kids were older so they could have a better understanding as to why Daddy is moving out (if that time comes). It is totally disrespectful, in so many ways. I told him yesterday that I don't deserve this, I know that there is someone out there that would love me, unconditionally, and i deserve that.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

You are doing the right thing can'tbelieveit. Mine also said he loved both of us and I was stupid to accept it. 

Almost 3 months ago, I confronted him, he lied about everything, 2 years of EA & 14 months of PA. Then almost 2 months ago, he admitted to both & begged me to take him back, saying consider the 20+ years we were married. I relented & little did I know he was still sleeping with her for the next 2 weeks after. All this time, he kept on saying he wished he could have both of us and that he loved both of us even though we were day & night. 

A little over 4 weeks ago, I said I couldn't accept the A because of too many lies & that he still loved her so I told him I wanted a divorce. The next morning, he confessed to everything, cried and broke down and truly begged this time, said he couldn't live without me. He changed completely, cut off contact with her, involved with our kids activities, talked to me about his work, helped out at home, etc. He was very depressed at the time and almost had a nervous breakdown over her. 

A few days ago, I realized I could forgive him about the A but could not get past the he still loved her part and I told him so, that I still wanted us to separate. That night, he changed and told me I could ask him anything about her and their relationship. I mean WOW, before, it was like pulling teeth from him just to ask him about her. He said he finally realized she was using him and that he didn't love her anymore. I don't understand men, how can he kept on saying he loved her for the past 2 months, practically had a nervous breakdown over her & now, he stopped loving her? How is it possible for them to stop the love so fast? And last week, I was considering to wait a month or so to see if he still loves her anymore and if he does, then I would want a divorce.

Jessi and can'tbelieveit, I'm so sorry for you both to have gone through this; seems like we all went through somewhat the same thing. Hopefully he will see the light and come back, and by then, you will have a choice to whether to take him back or not. You both sound like very strong women that know her priorities and net worth straight as oppose to me. It took me forever to realize what I was truly worth, what I wanted out of this marriage and that I was not willing to settle for anything less. At least for now, he said he was blessed and that he didn't ever wanted to loose me but how I wished he had realized that before he was so selfish to have started that A of his. 

Before, I was so afraid what would have happened had she walk into his life again but at least now, I have the peace of mind that he would not be stupid enough for fall for her again (hopefully). Also now that I realize my net worth, he's very afraid that he might loose me but I reassured him that I would always be there for him but if he ever wanted to take the risk of having an A again, I would be gone from his life with no more second chances.

And you are so right, they have to understand that we are not second fiddles to the OW or any other women. That there will be someone out there who will love us unconditionally if they cannot love us unconditionally. That they will realize what they truly loose from the consequences of their actions.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

I just want to clarify something and realized I made a mistake. I just posted something in Jessi's post and I realized, he didn't get over his love for her because I had told him I could not get past over his love for her; he got over his love for her because he finally realized she was using him all along.

As I said, last week, I would have waited a month to see if his love for her has waned, and if not, I would have walked out. Fortunately I did not have to wait.

As for separation, it might work out for the best, you had the courage to tell him to take a walk because you were not willing to settle for less. I did not have that courage in the beginning because I was blind-sided and still loved him deeply. He knew that so he still carried on with her for 2 weeks after confessing. When he realized I could walk away from him, he changed his tune but still loved her because he couldn't help himself.

He has not lived the real life with her during the A. It was somewhat a fantasy life, meeting at work, seeing each other when always looking their best, always on her their best behavior to seducing each other, etc.. They were not living the everyday real life, don't need to deal with the mundane things as who will take out the garbage, cook dinner, mediate between the kids, etc. What happens when the real deal comes between them, will he see who she truly is and what he really loose in terms of you and the family in the end? And also, when he opens his eyes and sees your true worth, he will regret his past actions and will come crawling back.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I told him that if he thinks the grass is greener on the other side, he is crazy. And if he chooses that life over this one, I WILL NOT be here. I will move on. I love him with everything that I am, and I think he loves me too, obviously not to that extent. However, I and our kids deserve all of him, not just a part of him. And I will not settle for anything less. And if he does come crawling back, I do not think that I will take him back. We will not be option #2, my kids (and myself, ultimately) deserve to be #1, always.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is going to sound like I'm trying to defend the husbands here, just keep an open mind and I can explain it. The male mind works very differently than the female one on the multiple partner front. I'm going to use a wide brush and talk in generalizations - your mileage may vary.

Women are designed to seek out one emotional/sexual partner, and only typically respond to one man at a time. When they cheat, they typically have gone quite cool on their husbands, and go hot on another man who they feel an emotional/sexual contection with.

Men are designed to seek out all the women in the world.  However women typically only respond to them sexually when they have created an emotional bond (or can fake one well enough) with the woman. So men can quite easily create those emotional bonds (i.e. "fall in love") with more than one woman at a time. Once they start having sex, a man becomes usually quite bonded to the woman.

So it is very possible, and I argue quite predictable that a man will be able to fall in love with more than one woman at a time. Usually all it takes is a woman that pays them a little extra attention. Conversation, meeting for coffee, how was your day, you look tired, I enjoy your company, I like you, you look great, want a back rub... and suddenly there's an emotional connection. It doesn't start off with the OW giving your husband a lap dance and a BJ. It just starts off with her being... nice to him.

Once that bond is there - it's very hard to shake it off. Women who cheat on their husbands are usually cold on the husband, and hot on the other man. If things can be fixed and they go hot on their husband, they go cold on the other man and he falls out of the picture.

If a man is cheating, he might be either hot or cold on his wife, and he goes hot for the other woman. When the **** hits the fan and he is caught, he's still either hot or cold for his wife, and still hot for the other woman. (She's done nothing to him to turn him off her, so be stays hot for her.)

So when he says "I love both of you, this is really hard", he really does mean he loves both of you. The biggest problem for him is that typically neither one of the women is happy about the other being in the picture and he is forced into making a choice between them.

He absolutely needs to cut off contact between him and the other woman. Though understand that the flame he has for her will likely flicker for many years and he will greive for losing her. He does love her.

If the wife is smart and wants to keep him, she will figure out what it is she is doing that makes her husband go either hot or cold for her, and increase the hot stuff, and decrease the cold stuff. Importantly she will not allow him to seek the OW out, but will allow him to greive her loss. It's a delicate balance.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Atholk-

I read your post multiple times and pondered it over the weekend. And I think you are right. she was nice to him, giving him attention, etc whilst I was not. I was not giving him the kind of attention he needed. Although, I will continue to struggle with the fact that he "loves" her, I do not know if I will be able to accept it. How do I? What can I do to not focus on that?

Stupidme-


Your advice is much appreciated, I told my husband that I think he was living in a fantasy with her. What happens when "real life" starts? I.e. dinner, dishes, kids, laundry, etc, and he said that he didn't know, "he didn't think about that". Well, no shi!t, you didn't think about that! Ugh...he makes me angry.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Im going through the same thing with my husband we have no children together but i have been a mum to his little boy for the past 4 years so emotionally im deeply involved with how his son his coping .
I think what hurts is the fact that he doesnt seem to realize or care about what hes done .. living the fantasy of having a quick shag and coming home to a wife who use to dote on him hand and foot !!! not any longer


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