# I screwed up



## helphelphelpme

I went through my husbands phones tablets and computer I got mad and deleted a bunch of porn. I asked him and we talked about and he explained. Now he isn't talking to me and I'm terrified I violated his trust. I know I have to earn it and I took responsibility for my actions. I'm sick to my stomach what can I do???


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## _anonymous_

Going forward, don't delete his stuff and verbally commit to that. He won't believe you, so you'll have to earn back his trust. That part will take time. Be patient. Be consistent. Keep to you word.

As for compensating him, you should give him a night of mind-blowing sex. If it's mind-blowing enough, he'll forgive you of any trespass. And, it might even make him less interested in porn!

Seems like you are upset about the porn to begin with, given your action. How does him viewing porn make you feel? Some elaboration here would help TAM help you.


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## Herschel

No, go back over the top. Tell him he has to use incognito mode and it's stupid he'd give anyone a chance to see the poem he watches. Then tell him he has to satisfy you all nice long, throw some of the porn on and get off together.


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## Evinrude58

If deleting open is such a huge deal, you have bigger problems than "violating his privacy".


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## IndianApple

Always keep in mind :

Most men like to watch porn and it is good to watch porn because you tend to explore various sexual positions. You shouldn't have gained access to his personal stuff. Try stepping into his shoe. Would you like him doing this no matter even if you dont like to watch porn and stuff ?

There are couples who like to watch porn together and it is quite a good idea.

Final verdict : dont try to hold him if he aint doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact, watching porn is not a crime or anything bad though.

Cheers 


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## musicftw07

Evinrude58 said:


> If deleting open is such a huge deal, you have bigger problems than "violating his privacy".


We don't have enough of the story to know if this statement holds true.

If their relationship and sex life has been suffering due to a porn addiction on his part, then I can understand her doing what she did to some degree.

If they simply got into an argument and she took it upon herself to go into his electronic devices and delete his porn out of spite... Yeah, I'd be royally pissed off about that.

helpme, we really need more info to be able to advise you on this appropriately.


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## aine

IndianApple said:


> Always keep in mind :
> 
> Most men like to watch porn and it is good to watch porn because you tend to explore various sexual positions. You shouldn't have gained access to his personal stuff. Try stepping into his shoe. Would you like him doing this no matter even if you dont like to watch porn and stuff ?
> 
> There are couples who like to watch porn together and it is quite a good idea.
> 
> Final verdict : dont try to hold him if he aint doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact, watching porn is not a crime or anything bad though.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Spoken like a man, porn makes wives feel like ****. How would you feel if your wife would prefer to watch scantily clad or naked males with big packages strutting their stuff than spend that time with you or giving you her time or body?
I don't think most males realize the damage porn does to a marriage and to the wife's self esteem. 
My H was into this when he was younger, but decided to go cold turkey as he saw the problems with it, it can become an huge addictive problem. He has an addictive personality so drugs and porn he avoided, (though didn't manage with alcohol). 
Quite frankly there should be no such thing as privacy in this regard, it's allowing OW by stealth and depends to what extent the H is engaged with it, it's like having an OW in your marriage. Esp nowadays with the online cams, etc, where do men draw the line.

if I find that kind of **** on my H phone, or anywhere, then I probably would dump him that is how strongly I feel about it. For men saying they need it it is just a sorry excuse for not having any self -control. 

So instead of giving the OP a hard time about invading his privacy, blah blah blah, what about giving constructive advice about what not to do in a marriage. OP imo opinion you did nothing wrong, your H needs to know how the porn makes you feel and how it is taking away from the marriage relations, how you feel you have to compete with OW who are sexier, etc than you.

Perhaps you should play him at his own game, get yourself some nice centerfolds, some Mad Mike raunchy dancers etc and see how he feels about how your spread your affections.>


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## EleGirl

Does your husband backup his computer?


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## helphelphelpme

_anonymous_ said:


> Going forward, don't delete his stuff and verbally commit to that. He won't believe you, so you'll have to earn back his trust. That part will take time. Be patient. Be consistent. Keep to you word.
> 
> 
> 
> As for compensating him, you should give him a night of mind-blowing sex. If it's mind-blowing enough, he'll forgive you of any trespass. And, it might even make him less interested in porn!
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like you are upset about the porn to begin with, given your action. How does him viewing porn make you feel? Some elaboration here would help TAM help you.




He isn't watching the porn he used to work for gutter a porn site and wrote all the code. This is why but he is pissed I didn't come to and ask he showed me everything I have violated his trust so what do I do beside giving him sex. I do that 5 days a week trust me no complaints the problem I've let my fears control me and made a poor choice I'm more upset I've hurt him how do I fix this?


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## Evinrude58

So people actually save porn on their phones and computers? Geez....,
Who has time for that crap? I waste too much time on TAM already. 


I truly don't get the need to save that crap. It's not like it's not easily available. Must be some better stuff than I've seen to be worth saving......,, wow.


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## helphelphelpme

_anonymous_ said:


> Going forward, don't delete his stuff and verbally commit to that. He won't believe you, so you'll have to earn back his trust. That part will take time. Be patient. Be consistent. Keep to you word.
> 
> 
> 
> As for compensating him, you should give him a night of mind-blowing sex. If it's mind-blowing enough, he'll forgive you of any trespass. And, it might even make him less interested in porn!
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like you are upset about the porn to begin with, given your action. How does him viewing porn make you feel? Some elaboration here would help TAM help you.






helphelphelpme said:


> He isn't watching the porn he used to work for gutter a porn site and wrote all the code. This is why but he is pissed I didn't come to and ask he showed me everything I have violated his trust so what do I do beside giving him sex. I do that 5 days a week trust me no complaints the problem I've let my fears control me and made a poor choice I'm more upset I've hurt him how do I fix this?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> We don't have enough of the story to know if this statement holds true.
> 
> 
> 
> If their relationship and sex life has been suffering due to a porn addiction on his part, then I can understand her doing what she did to some degree.
> 
> 
> 
> If they simply got into an argument and she took it upon herself to go into his electronic devices and delete his porn out of spite... Yeah, I'd be royally pissed off about that.
> 
> 
> 
> helpme, we really need more info to be able to advise you on this appropriately.






helphelphelpme said:


> He isn't watching the porn he used to work for gutter a porn site and wrote all the code. This is why but he is pissed I didn't come to and ask he showed me everything I have violated his trust so what do I do beside giving him sex. I do that 5 days a week trust me no complaints the problem I've let my fears control me and made a poor choice I'm more upset I've hurt him how do I fix this?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> He isn't watching the porn he used to work for gutter a porn site and wrote all the code. This is why but he is pissed I didn't come to and ask he showed me everything I have violated his trust so what do I do beside giving him sex. I do that 5 days a week trust me no complaints the problem I've let my fears control me and made a poor choice I'm more upset I've hurt him how do I fix this


If he used to write their code, surely he has everything backed up.

Why did you delete the porn? Why was it bothering you enough that you did that?


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> We don't have enough of the story to know if this statement holds true.
> 
> 
> 
> If their relationship and sex life has been suffering due to a porn addiction on his part, then I can understand her doing what she did to some degree.
> 
> 
> 
> If they simply got into an argument and she took it upon herself to go into his electronic devices and delete his porn out of spite... Yeah, I'd be royally pissed off about that.
> 
> 
> 
> helpme, we really need more info to be able to advise you on this appropriately.








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## helphelphelpme

_anonymous_ said:


> Going forward, don't delete his stuff and verbally commit to that. He won't believe you, so you'll have to earn back his trust. That part will take time. Be patient. Be consistent. Keep to you word.
> 
> 
> 
> As for compensating him, you should give him a night of mind-blowing sex. If it's mind-blowing enough, he'll forgive you of any trespass. And, it might even make him less interested in porn!
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like you are upset about the porn to begin with, given your action. How does him viewing porn make you feel? Some elaboration here would help
> 
> 
> He isn't watching the porn he used to work for gutter a porn site and wrote all the code. This is why but he is pissed I didn't come to and ask he showed me everything I have violated his trust so what do I do beside giving him sex. I do that 5 days a week trust me no complaints the problem I've let my fears control me and made a poor choice I'm more upset I've hurt him how do I fix this?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> If he used to write their code, surely he has everything backed up.
> 
> 
> 
> Why did you delete the porn? Why was it bothering you enough that you did that?




I don't know I feel like a complete ass I want to fix this how can I fix this


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## helphelphelpme

IndianApple said:


> Always keep in mind :
> 
> Most men like to watch porn and it is good to watch porn because you tend to explore various sexual positions. You shouldn't have gained access to his personal stuff. Try stepping into his shoe. Would you like him doing this no matter even if you dont like to watch porn and stuff ?
> 
> There are couples who like to watch porn together and it is quite a good idea.
> 
> Final verdict : dont try to hold him if he aint doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact, watching porn is not a crime or anything bad though.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I agree I feel awful I violated his trust what do I do to repair this 


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## musicftw07

aine said:


> Spoken like a man, porn makes wives feel like ****.


Don't speak for all wives. Out of all the faults my XWW flung at me to justify her affair, my porn watching was never one of them. I was lucky to get sex once a week. What other outlet was I supposed to have? Cheating?

All of the GF's I've had post-divorce have known I watch porn, and not a single one of them have ever had an issue with it. Hell, I've had both an XGF and my current GF send videos of themselves to me for me to enjoy, both without me asking. And I in turn have made videos for them to enjoy as well.

Speaking for me, it's not what the women look like in the porn, it's what they're doing. I have porn of tall women and short women; skinny women and fat women; and women of all races. In fact, I prefer amateur porn the most because it's real people in a real life setting.

Your post speaks more to your own insecurities and misconceptions about why the average guy watches porn than anything else.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that some men can suffer from porn addiction, and I know that it can be a death sentence to a relationship. That's why I said "the average guy", not "a guy with a porn addiction". They are two very different things.


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## helphelphelpme

helphelphelpme said:


> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Yes out of spite and anger I feel like an ass how do I fix this. 


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## helphelphelpme

Some help me fix this I really violated his trust and when I did this he changed passcodes etc because I violated his trust. I was looking for something that wasn't there I have my own issues my ex husband left me and was big with porn. I have issues and I'm taking them out on the wrong man. I never ask him I always assume which gets me into trouble. I really hurt him I can tell how to fix this


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband backup his computer?




Yea but I deleted his back up and it's his code he wrote. He was able to fix it but I really hurt him by not coming to him and asking. I really ****ed up. I feel so bad I really hurt him


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## musicftw07

helphelphelpme said:


> Yes out of spite and anger I feel like an ass how do I fix this.


I think the first step should be a practical one. If he's a programmer and he kept the porn for the code and not the content (as a software developer/systems analyst myself, I can honestly see this being possible), then EleGirl's question is the most pertinent one:



EleGirl said:


> Does your husband backup his computer?


For the second step, regardless of whether or not he kept backups, I think an honest and sincere apology on your part would be appropriate. Own up to your mistake, and don't try to blame shift. It's okay to say how discovering the porn made you feel (you felt insecure and it made you angry), but where you messed up was taking the action to delete it and not calmly talking to your husband about your feelings instead. Own that mistake. Don't put it back on him. 

Then come to a resolution with him about it. Get his input. Ask him how _he_ feels about what you did, and acknowledge his feelings. 

We're all human, and we all make mistakes. For me personally, I can understand that. It's when I get justifications as to why they "deserved" to do whatever it was they did wrong where my sense of empathy and understanding gets thrown out the window and I go into full self-defense mode.


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> I think the first step should be a practical one. If he's a programmer and he kept the porn for the code and not the content (as a software developer/systems analyst myself, I can honestly see this being possible), then EleGirl's question is the most pertinent one:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For the second step, regardless of whether or not he kept backups, I think an honest and sincere apology on your part would be appropriate. Own up to your mistake, and don't try to blame shift. It's okay to say how discovering the porn made you feel (you felt insecure and it made you angry), but where you messed up was taking the action to delete it and not calmly talking to your husband about your feelings instead. Own that mistake. Don't put it back on him.
> 
> 
> 
> Then come to a resolution with him about it. Get his input. Ask him how _he_ feels about what you did, and acknowledge his feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> We're all human, and we all make mistakes. For me personally, I can understand that. It's when I get justifications as to why they "deserved" to do whatever it was they did wrong where my sense of empathy and understanding gets thrown out the window and I go into full self-defense mode.




I sent this to him today:
I'm so sorry for not asking you out right I feel like an idiot and I am one you are right. Since the text and Vegas just had me worried. I am so sorry I don't blame you to lock me and change passcodes etc. I feel sick to my stomach as I imagine you do as well. I am so sorry to disappoint you instead of asking you. I think I was shocked and hurt. I had no idea. I know you don't want to talk to me and I know I hurt you. I had to let know how incredibly sorry I am for breaching your trust and not asking you only assuming the worst. You are not my past but my future and I need to stop treating you as such. I will earn your respect and trust back I promise I will. I am so sorry. I love you with all my heart and my fear got the best of me. I am so sorry. 



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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> Yea but I deleted his back up and it's his code he wrote. He was able to fix it but I really hurt him by not coming to him and asking. I really ****ed up. I feel so bad I really hurt him


OK, so he was able to fix it. That means that he had more backups or he was able to go onto the hard drive and find the files.

Most people who write software have many backups, on difference storage devices to include ones that are off premises. 

Has he been doing anything that made you suspicious of his actions? Were you only looking for the porn when you went onto his computer? Or were you looking for something more?


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> I think the first step should be a practical one. If he's a programmer and he kept the porn for the code and not the content (as a software developer/systems analyst myself, I can honestly see this being possible), then EleGirl's question is the most pertinent one:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For the second step, regardless of whether or not he kept backups, I think an honest and sincere apology on your part would be appropriate. Own up to your mistake, and don't try to blame shift. It's okay to say how discovering the porn made you feel (you felt insecure and it made you angry), but where you messed up was taking the action to delete it and not calmly talking to your husband about your feelings instead. Own that mistake. Don't put it back on him.
> 
> 
> 
> Then come to a resolution with him about it. Get his input. Ask him how _he_ feels about what you did, and acknowledge his feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> We're all human, and we all make mistakes. For me personally, I can understand that. It's when I get justifications as to why they "deserved" to do whatever it was they did wrong where my sense of empathy and understanding gets thrown out the window and I go into full self-defense mode.




I'm so sorry for not asking you out right I feel like an idiot and I am one you are right. Since the text and Vegas just had me worried. I am so sorry I don't blame you to lock me and change passcodes etc. I feel sick to my stomach as I imagine you do as well. I am so sorry to disappoint you instead of asking you. I think I was shocked and hurt. I had no idea. I know you don't want to talk to me and I know I hurt you. I had to let know how incredibly sorry I am for breaching your trust and not asking you only assuming the worst. You are not my past but my future and I need to stop treating you as such. I will earn your respect and trust back I promise I will. I am so sorry. I love you with all my heart and my fear got the best of me. I am so sorry. 


This is what I sent him today. I am so upset I hurt him


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## helphelphelpme

Yes a while ago he got a text from a girl but someone was using his phone to text and explained it. I forgave. Then his bachelor party (however were married) having another ceremony in 2 weeks he was in the back with strippers which I know he has a fondness for. We discussed this. One thing in his first marriage it wasn't a marriage. This one he does or did respect and has honestly never given me cause for concern. I really feel bad I violated his trust. 


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## musicftw07

EleGirl said:


> Has he been doing anything that made you suspicious of his actions? Were you only looking for the porn when you went onto his computer? Or were you looking for something more?


These are good questions. Especially in light of:



helphelphelpme said:


> Since the text and Vegas just had me worried.


What text are you referring to? And what happened in Vegas?

We need more information.


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> These are good questions. Especially in light of:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What text are you referring to? And what happened in Vegas?
> 
> 
> 
> We need more information.




Yes a while ago he got a text from a girl but someone was using his phone to text and explained it. I forgave. Then his bachelor party (however were married) having another ceremony in 2 weeks he was in the back with strippers which I know he has a fondness for. We discussed this. One thing in his first marriage it wasn't a marriage. This one he does or did respect and has honestly never given me cause for concern. I really feel bad I violated his trust. 



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## musicftw07

helphelphelpme said:


> Yes a while ago he got a text from a girl but someone was using his phone to text and explained it. I forgave. Then his bachelor party (however were married) having another ceremony in 2 weeks he was in the back with strippers which I know he has a fondness for. We discussed this. One thing in his first marriage it wasn't a marriage. This one he does or did respect and has honestly never given me cause for concern. I really feel bad I violated his trust.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks, helpme. I appreciate the responses.

Was he unfaithful in his prior marriages or relationships? At face value, I don't see a red flag with a guy who has strippers at his bachelor party. But if he has a history of infidelity, that changes things.

I'm also curious about the text. Was it a sexual text? Was it discussing when and where to meet? Or was it benign, like what to pick up from the grocery store or something?


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> Thanks, helpme. I appreciate the responses.
> 
> 
> 
> Was he unfaithful in his prior marriages or relationships? At face value, I don't see a red flag with a guy who has strippers at his bachelor party. But if he has a history of infidelity, that changes things.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm also curious about the text. Was it a sexual text? Was it discussing when and where to meet? Or was it benign, like what to pick up from the grocery store or something?




No text wasn't that bad his friend took his phone and she sent pics of her self in a dress. His only response was looking good. We talked etc. yes he did in last marriage chest with strippers. He has never once given me cause for concern. We have an active sex life st least 5x a week. I feel like a paranoid crazy girl and I do feel bad for snooping etc. did you read my apology to him above? What did you think about that. When he is super upset he does the silent treatment to me. I feel so bad what do I do I don't want to ruin us. 


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## musicftw07

helphelphelpme said:


> No text wasn't that bad his friend took his phone and she sent pics of her self in a dress. His only response was looking good.We talked etc.


How did you discover this text? Do you know the woman who sent the text? Can you be certain your husband doesn't know her, either?

How did you two discuss this? What was his reactions and behavior during this talk?



> yes he did in last marriage chest with strippers. *He has never once given me cause for concern.* We have an active sex life st least 5x a week. I feel like a paranoid crazy girl and I do feel bad for snooping etc.


I'm not convinced that your husband has done anything wrong, but we do encourage people to follow their gut feelings on things here. It seems that the text and him seeing strippers definitely gave you concerns. Can you be absolutely sure he has never done anything in the past that seemed like red flags?



> did you read my apology to him above? What did you think about that. When he is super upset he does the silent treatment to me. I feel so bad what do I do I don't want to ruin us.


I thought your apology seemed good. You said what your feelings were, but you didn't put any blame on him.

I would say give him time to cool off. Don't send him any more texts for now. I know your instincts are telling you to get him to talk, but that usually has the opposite effect. Give him some space.

But don't be afraid to let us know if you have any doubts about his fidelity. That's what we're here for. A lot of us have walked the path of infidelity from both sides of the coin, and there are lots of good people here. We can help provide a fresh perspective on things.


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## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> How did you discover this text? Do you know the woman who sent the text? Can you be certain your husband doesn't know her, either?
> 
> 
> 
> How did you two discuss this? What was his reactions and behavior during this talk?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not convinced that your husband has done anything wrong, but we do encourage people to follow their gut feelings on things here. It seems that the text and him seeing strippers definitely gave you concerns. Can you be absolutely sure he has never done anything in the past that seemed like red flags?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I thought your apology seemed good. You said what your feelings were, but you didn't put any blame on him.
> 
> 
> 
> I would say give him time to cool off. Don't send him any more texts for now. I know your instincts are telling you to get him to talk, but that usually has the opposite effect. Give him some space.
> 
> 
> 
> But don't be afraid to let us know if you have any doubts about his fidelity. That's what we're here for. A lot of us have walked the path of infidelity from both sides of the coin, and there are lots of good people here. We can help provide a fresh perspective on things.




No there has been no infidelity. I appreciate it. I've let him be he is on the couch tonight already asleep I just get very worried when he doesn't speak like he is going to leave me. Most of our issues come from me and my insecurities. You know the saying when you point the finger there are three pointing back at you. That's me. My ex husband walked out on me and my daughter. My dad cheated on my mom and I have normal female body issues and aren't feeling good about my self. 
When we discussed the texts he wasn't defensive. I had a gut feeling and I never checked his phone. He still has to work with her (remote) but nothing bad since. They were drunk and he gave her boss his phone and sent the messages. The context of the messages makes sense. However it hurt me. She is skinny so my brain goes to I am not etc. he was open and all was well. 
In his first marriage he slept with strippers. When he was in Vegas I know he spent a lot of time in the back room however he was honest with me. I did however see a text he deleted on his iPad that he deleted off his phone. So this is why I was so upset and pissed. I feel if you do that your already lying yea know. Again. I'm not a stripper so my insecurities come in. Normally I'm a strong woman I don't take ****. In this marriage I've worked over time to be the best wife I could be. We rarely argue. Mainly my over spending once in a blue moon with out running it by him but that's it. Nothing crazy. I fully believe him and trust him however I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing if that makes sense? 


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## musicftw07

helphelphelpme said:


> No there has been no infidelity. I appreciate it. I've let him be he is on the couch tonight already asleep I just get very worried when he doesn't speak like he is going to leave me. Most of our issues come from me and my insecurities. You know the saying when you point the finger there are three pointing back at you. That's me. My ex husband walked out on me and my daughter. My dad cheated on my mom and I have normal female body issues and aren't feeling good about my self.
> When we discussed the texts he wasn't defensive. I had a gut feeling and I never checked his phone. He still has to work with her (remote) but nothing bad since. They were drunk and he gave her boss his phone and sent the messages. The context of the messages makes sense. However it hurt me. She is skinny so my brain goes to I am not etc. he was open and all was well.
> In his first marriage he slept with strippers. When he was in Vegas I know he spent a lot of time in the back room however he was honest with me. I did however see a text he deleted on his iPad that he deleted off his phone. So this is why I was so upset and pissed. I feel if you do that your already lying yea know. Again. I'm not a stripper so my insecurities come in. Normally I'm a strong woman I don't take ****. In this marriage I've worked over time to be the best wife I could be. We rarely argue. Mainly my over spending once in a blue moon with out running it by him but that's it. Nothing crazy. I fully believe him and trust him however I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing if that makes sense?


I really appreciate you giving us more information.



> I've let him be he is on the couch tonight already asleep I just get very worried when he doesn't speak like he is going to leave me. Most of our issues come from me and my insecurities. You know the saying when you point the finger there are three pointing back at you. That's me. My ex husband walked out on me and my daughter. My dad cheated on my mom and I have normal female body issues and aren't feeling good about my self.


Good job on leaving him be for now, I think that's for the best to let him relax and cool down.

How long does his silent treatment last? Are we talking for a few hours, or a few days? I can understand up to a day or so, but if he's giving you silent treatment for days on end, that screams conflict-avoidant to me. And I've noticed a correlation between conflict-avoidant behavior and cheating. (Albeit in my limited experience on this planet, so you may want to take that with a grain of salt.)

For your insecurities, have you thought about going to IC? (Individual counseling.) When my ex wandering wife (XWW) cheated and left, I spent almost a year and a half in therapy. It did wonders for me. If you have health insurance, or the means to cover the cost, I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist. There is no shame in therapy, and I strongly disagree with the social stigma that surrounds it.



> When we discussed the texts he wasn't defensive. *I had a gut feeling and I never checked his phone.* He still has to work with her (remote) but nothing bad since. They were drunk and he gave her boss his phone and sent the messages. The context of the messages makes sense. However it hurt me. She is skinny so my brain goes to I am not etc. he was open and all was well.


It's good that he wasn't defensive. Had he been, that would have been a big red flag to me.

But what about your gut feeling? How did you get this gut feeling? And if you didn't check his phone, how did you know about the text? And to clarify, your husband's boss was the one who texted back "Lookin good"?



> In his first marriage he slept with strippers. When he was in Vegas I know he spent a lot of time in the back room however he was honest with me.* I did however see a text he deleted on his iPad that he deleted off his phone.* So this is why I was so upset and pissed. I feel if you do that your already lying yea know. Again. I'm not a stripper so my insecurities come in. Normally I'm a strong woman I don't take ****. In this marriage I've worked over time to be the best wife I could be. We rarely argue. Mainly my over spending once in a blue moon with out running it by him but that's it. Nothing crazy. I fully believe him and trust him however I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing if that makes sense?


Did he give any indication as to why he slept with the strippers? I will take his honesty about his actions as a good sign. But what about this text, the one he deleted off his phone...what did it say? And do you know who it was sent to, or who he received it from?

I will admit that I delete texts from my phone periodically to clear out space, as having too many texts in a phone's memory can cause performance issues. But were you able to see the text on one device but not the other? How did you know he had deleted that text?

Again, I'm still not convinced that your husband has done anything wrong. But there's enough circumstantial evidence as to why I can see you being scared and concerned about it. That's why I think you're doing what you're doing.

I don't think you are wrong for having scared and concerned thoughts based on what you've told us. If I were in your shoes, I would trust, but follow my gut. There are plenty of things you can do: check his cell phone records from your wireless bill to look for strange numbers that he's communicating with frequently; check his social media for inappropriate messages; check his email for inappropriate emails; that kind of thing. And you can do that quietly and discreetly. If you find anything concerning, don't confront him about it. Talk to us and let us know what it is. If you find nothing, then great!

Has his behavior seemed distant? (When he's not giving you the silent treatment?) Is he going out more? Is he working late away from home more often? Anything that might indicate he's spending more time away from home?


----------



## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> I really appreciate you giving us more information.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good job on leaving him be for now, I think that's for the best to let him relax and cool down.
> 
> 
> 
> How long does his silent treatment last? Are we talking for a few hours, or a few days? I can understand up to a day or so, but if he's giving you silent treatment for days on end, that screams conflict-avoidant to me. And I've noticed a correlation between conflict-avoidant behavior and cheating. (Albeit in my limited experience on this planet, so you may want to take that with a grain of salt.)
> 
> 
> 
> For your insecurities, have you thought about going to IC? (Individual counseling.) When my ex wandering wife (XWW) cheated and left, I spent almost a year and a half in therapy. It did wonders for me. If you have health insurance, or the means to cover the cost, I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist. There is no shame in therapy, and I strongly disagree with the social stigma that surrounds it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's good that he wasn't defensive. Had he been, that would have been a big red flag to me.
> 
> 
> 
> But what about your gut feeling? How did you get this gut feeling? And if you didn't check his phone, how did you know about the text? And to clarify, your husband's boss was the one who texted back "Lookin good"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Did he give any indication as to why he slept with the strippers? I will take his honesty about his actions as a good sign. But what about this text, the one he deleted off his phone...what did it say? And do you know who it was sent to, or who he received it from?
> 
> 
> 
> I will admit that I delete texts from my phone periodically to clear out space, as having too many texts in a phone's memory can cause performance issues. But were you able to see the text on one device but not the other? How did you know he had deleted that text?
> 
> 
> 
> Again, I'm still not convinced that your husband has done anything wrong. But there's enough circumstantial evidence as to why I can see you being scared and concerned about it. That's why I think you're doing what you're doing.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think you are wrong for having scared and concerned thoughts based on what you've told us. If I were in your shoes, I would trust, but follow my gut. There are plenty of things you can do: check his cell phone records from your wireless bill to look for strange numbers that he's communicating with frequently; check his social media for inappropriate messages; check his email for inappropriate emails; that kind of thing. And you can do that quietly and discreetly. If you find anything concerning, don't confront him about it. Talk to us and let us know what it is. If you find nothing, then great!
> 
> 
> 
> Has his behavior seemed distant? (When he's not giving you the silent treatment?) Is he going out more? Is he working late away from home more often? Anything that might indicate he's spending more time away from home?




No silent treatment last for a day or so never longer

He was the one replied looking good and I wasn't happy I kept copies

He is t distant we talk about almost every thing I am scarred to approach him because I don't want to scare him

His last marriage was awful so yes he paid for sex 
Put it this way his ex wife has supervised visits with his kids but they call me mom and he got 100 legal and physical in Cali. So his last marriage not so great. 

I do need to go back to counseling sooner than later for sure

I'm a Taurus not a cheater loyal to a fault. But I feel if your not honest with me it's a lie and it breaks me

The text he deleted was to his friend that he was coming out of the back room in a few he claimed he deleted it because he know I would react poorly

He isn't distant unless crap like this happens. We are very engaged etc I feel a good healthily sex life. 5x a week 

I am person who when I have a feeling for no reason it will come randomly I act on it and I've never been wrong for the most part. 
I try my best. I think he is more mad at me that I assume rather than asking him out right. He doesn't lie and has always told me the truth weather I wanted to know it or not always with love. 

I've been in therapy since I was 12 daddy issues mainly him leaving me. We are better now. However the pattern repeats my ex walked out on my daughter. He is active but she refers to her stepdad as daddy. 

I feel mainly like a fool and I just want to know how to earn his trust back. I know I hurt him deeply this is what bothers me the most. 


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----------



## aine

helphelphelpme said:


> No text wasn't that bad his friend took his phone and she sent pics of her self in a dress. His only response was looking good. We talked etc. yes he did in last marriage chest with strippers. He has never once given me cause for concern. We have an active sex life st least 5x a week. I feel like a paranoid crazy girl and I do feel bad for snooping etc. did you read my apology to him above? What did you think about that. When he is super upset he does the silent treatment to me. I feel so bad what do I do I don't want to ruin us.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your apology sounds fine, has he accepted it?

You sound rather anxious.
Let me ask you one question:

1. what made you distrust him in the first place, the text, what happened in Vegas? Why were you snooping. You would not have been snooping if you trusted him and your spidey senses weren't on the alert, why?
I know you say you have a history of being cheated on but do not dismiss what your gut is telling you now. I know you want to believe the best of him, you have taken responsibility for spying on him.

However, if you are put on notice something is not quite right about his behaviour and activities, you have every right to go into snoop mood, to not do so would be acting like an ostrich.
2. You think you have hurt him badly, I am not so sure, I think he is overreacting and really milking this. You have shown you are sorry, you are insecure, etc. where is his compassion. Sounds to me like he is trying to shut you down, not a good sign. 
Keep your eyes and ears open.


----------



## helphelphelpme

aine said:


> Your apology sounds fine, has he accepted it?
> 
> 
> 
> You sound rather anxious.
> 
> Let me ask you one question:
> 
> 
> 
> 1. what made you distrust him in the first place, the text, what happened in Vegas? Why were you snooping. You would not have been snooping if you trusted him and your spidey senses weren't on the alert, why?
> 
> I know you say you have a history of being cheated on but do not dismiss what your gut is telling you now. I know you want to believe the best of him, you have taken responsibility for spying on him.
> 
> 
> 
> However, if you are put on notice something is not quite right about his behaviour and activities, you have every right to go into snoop mood, to not do so would be acting like an ostrich.




Good point check my earlier replies regarding the texts and vegas. My gut is my gut I don't know it's never been wrong. I don't know why I do the things I do half the time to be honest. I just do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DustyDog

" I took responsibility for my actions. "

What does this mean? What did you say to him that means "I took responsibility for my actions?"


----------



## helphelphelpme

DustyDog said:


> " I took responsibility for my actions. "
> 
> 
> 
> What does this mean? What did you say to him that means "I took responsibility for my actions?"




See earlier feeds


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl

Your gut has never been wrong? So why are you doubting your gut now?

Your husband cheated on his ex with strippers. Then he goes to some bachelor party in Vegas and goes in the backroom with strippers? What was he doing in the backroom with strippers?

Because of his past history of cheating with strippers, there is no way that he should be at a party with strippers, much less ‘in the back room” with them. You are doubting yourself and beating yourself up because this bothers you. But most people would have a huge problem with their new spouse, who has this history, putting him/herself into a situation that is what lead to him cheating in his previous marriage.

You say that he does not lie. Did he tell his ex-wife what he was cheating? Or did he lie to her? 

What you did in deleting his porn and software was not cool. However, since he had backups or some method to get all his files back, it’s not a catastrophe. 

IMHO, you have every right to be very upset with him about the stripper thing. He knows that. So, he’s using some drama of not talking to you and punishing you emotionally as a cover for his own activity.

I think you need to get into counseling because you do not trust your own gut warning you that something is not right. And you need to learn to not go off the deep end when something happens…like you finding things that disturb you. Instead you would have been better off not confronting him and continuing to snoop and watch him. He now knows that you are watching him, so if he is cheating or otherwise acting inappropriately, he well be sure to hide it better.

At this point the apology you sent is good. He also owes you an apology for the whole stripper thing. I’m also not so sure that I would believe his explanation about someone else using his cell phone. Everyone has a cell phone today. Why would some friend of his need to user his?

He owes you an apology for him doing something that puts him around strippers since he has a history with cheating with strippers.

Keep in mind that most women would be pretty pissed off if their husband spend an evening partying with strippers and going off to the back room with them. Even if their husbands had no history with strippers.

And most men would also be furious is their wives did this with male strippers.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

aine said:


> Spoken like a man, porn makes wives feel like ****.


Not all wives. Sometimes I download videos FOR my husband. :grin2:


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

....


----------



## DEMI6

Trust...lol wow 

Deleting poem is serious these days huh lol

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## DEMI6

1. why were yu going thru all his stuff????


You were looking for something 

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----------



## Satya

OP, you seem very insecure.
I would try to focus less on getting your husband's attention for the moment and focus more on looking into counseling for yourself.
If you concentrate on working on yourself and your insecurities, it will only benefit you. But beating yourself about the head to try and get your husband to acknowledge you after your snooping might have the opposite effect of driving him away further.

He's not blameless in all of this, but I simply think you are going to drive yourself mad with worry.


----------



## Cooper

Maybe I'm just a skeptical old fool but I think this guy has you wrapped around his little finger. Text from another woman? His buddy using his phone? Bull. Hanging out with strippers in the back room? Yet nothing happened? Bull again. They make their money in the back room, they don't go back there just to visit, and he knows that because he has a history of using strippers! And porn on his devices because he writes code? I don't see the connection there, even if he's coding for the porn industry why is he saving his work in video format? Someone explain that to me please. Is he still in that business? His ex was the worst wife in history so he had to go buy sex? That's pretty standard bull ****...all of it.

Am I the only one who thinks that the husband is lying? Way to many instances for me to believe the husband an innocent victim of a paranoid wife, I wouldn't trust the guy for a second.


----------



## helphelphelpme

Satya said:


> OP, you seem very insecure.
> 
> I would try to focus less on getting your husband's attention for the moment and focus more on looking into counseling for yourself.
> 
> If you concentrate on working on yourself and your insecurities, it will only benefit you. But beating yourself about the head to try and get your husband to acknowledge you after your snooping might have the opposite effect of driving him away further.
> 
> 
> 
> He's not blameless in all of this, but I simply think you are going to drive yourself mad with worry.




I'm seeing that and experiencing that. I feel awful I didn't come out and talk to him. That is what upsets him more. Not the snooping etc. but not talking to him about it 


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----------



## aine

Cooper said:


> Maybe I'm just a skeptical old fool but I think this guy has you wrapped around his little finger. Text from another woman? His buddy using his phone? Bull. Hanging out with strippers in the back room? Yet nothing happened? Bull again. They make their money in the back room, they don't go back there just to visit, and he knows that because he has a history of using strippers! And porn on his devices because he writes code? I don't see the connection there, even if he's coding for the porn industry why is he saving his work in video format? Someone explain that to me please. Is he still in that business? His ex was the worst wife in history so he had to go buy sex? That's pretty standard bull ****...all of it.
> 
> Am I the only one who thinks that the husband is lying? Way to many instances for me to believe the husband an innocent victim of a paranoid wife, I wouldn't trust the guy for a second.


Cooper, I agree with you totally, I called some guys out earlier in the thread because the OP's scenario was turned into the pros and cons of the male and porn. I also think the OP doesn't see her H for who he really is, the rose colored specs are on. 
I know some will disagree but a married man has no need to visit the backrooms of any stripper club, at least when he knows it will upset his wife, he is playing OP for a fool. He has also got her believing she is the one in the wrong, the guy is good (in the most awful way, gaslighting supreme).


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

aine said:


> ... a married man has no need to visit the backrooms of any stripper club ...


Bottom line right there, folks.


----------



## jorgegene

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Bottom line right there, folks.



past history of cheating. still 'partial to strippers'. into porn not only for fun but for work. chats with women.

yah, i don't know, but it seems you might have very good reason to be suspicious.............


----------



## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> I really appreciate you giving us more information.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good job on leaving him be for now, I think that's for the best to let him relax and cool down.
> 
> 
> 
> How long does his silent treatment last? Are we talking for a few hours, or a few days? I can understand up to a day or so, but if he's giving you silent treatment for days on end, that screams conflict-avoidant to me. And I've noticed a correlation between conflict-avoidant behavior and cheating. (Albeit in my limited experience on this planet, so you may want to take that with a grain of salt.)
> 
> 
> 
> For your insecurities, have you thought about going to IC? (Individual counseling.) When my ex wandering wife (XWW) cheated and left, I spent almost a year and a half in therapy. It did wonders for me. If you have health insurance, or the means to cover the cost, I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist. There is no shame in therapy, and I strongly disagree with the social stigma that surrounds it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's good that he wasn't defensive. Had he been, that would have been a big red flag to me.
> 
> 
> 
> But what about your gut feeling? How did you get this gut feeling? And if you didn't check his phone, how did you know about the text? And to clarify, your husband's boss was the one who texted back "Lookin good"?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Did he give any indication as to why he slept with the strippers? I will take his honesty about his actions as a good sign. But what about this text, the one he deleted off his phone...what did it say? And do you know who it was sent to, or who he received it from?
> 
> 
> 
> I will admit that I delete texts from my phone periodically to clear out space, as having too many texts in a phone's memory can cause performance issues. But were you able to see the text on one device but not the other? How did you know he had deleted that text?
> 
> 
> 
> Again, I'm still not convinced that your husband has done anything wrong. But there's enough circumstantial evidence as to why I can see you being scared and concerned about it. That's why I think you're doing what you're doing.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think you are wrong for having scared and concerned thoughts based on what you've told us. If I were in your shoes, I would trust, but follow my gut. There are plenty of things you can do: check his cell phone records from your wireless bill to look for strange numbers that he's communicating with frequently; check his social media for inappropriate messages; check his email for inappropriate emails; that kind of thing. And you can do that quietly and discreetly. If you find anything concerning, don't confront him about it. Talk to us and let us know what it is. If you find nothing, then great!
> 
> 
> 
> Has his behavior seemed distant? (When he's not giving you the silent treatment?) Is he going out more? Is he working late away from home more often? Anything that might indicate he's spending more time away from home?




It's day two and he still isn't talking to me or wanting me near him. I am beyond devastated. What do I do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded

What was he doing in the back room?


----------



## Hope1964

helphelphelpme said:


> It's day two and he still isn't talking to me or wanting me near him. I am beyond devastated. What do I do.


Kick his ass out the door and NEVER look back. The guy is a total loser, a cheating liar, and a crappy human. GET RID OF HIM.


----------



## Steve1000

helphelphelpme said:


> I sent this to him today:
> I'm so sorry for not asking you out right I feel like an idiot and I am one you are right. Since the text and Vegas just had me worried. I am so sorry I don't blame you to lock me and change passcodes etc. I feel sick to my stomach as I imagine you do as well. I am so sorry to disappoint you instead of asking you. I think I was shocked and hurt. I had no idea. I know you don't want to talk to me and I know I hurt you. I had to let know how incredibly sorry I am for breaching your trust and not asking you only assuming the worst. You are not my past but my future and I need to stop treating you as such. I will earn your respect and trust back I promise I will. I am so sorry. I love you with all my heart and my fear got the best of me. I am so sorry.


With that kind of letter, I would have forgiven almost anything. My wife did something far worse when we were dating and I could never imagine getting such a strong apology.


----------



## Steve1000

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Bottom line right there, folks.


Yep, I think that's rule number 763.


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> It's day two and he still isn't talking to me or wanting me near him. I am beyond devastated. What do I do.


You go about your business. You call around and find yourself a counselor.

The worse thing you could of right now is apologize more, cry, beg, etc. You sent him a good apology. Now it's on him to stop the drama. If you continue to apologize, beg, cry, etc. he will be more inclined to continue his silent treatment. Prolonged silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. The purpose of it is for him to control you and the situation. What he wants is for you to pay attention to him, to beg him, to plead for him to talk to you. It makes him the center of attention. And all he has to do is keep quiet and do nothing. How nice for him.

Let him know that you are not going to play that game. Get busy and basically ignore him. Eventually he will come out of his silent treatment if you do not pay him any attention. Why? Because he will not be getting the attention he wants from you. Because he will not be controlling you.

Please do get a counselor and tell the counselor the entire story. That means you start with the fact that he cheated on his ex with strippers and made up an excuse that it was because she did not want sex with him. (Maybe she did not want sex with him because she knew he was having sex with strippers and she was afraid that he would give her STDs.) Then you tell the counselor about this text that he claims from sent by a friend and that he was hanging out with strippers, in Vega, at a bachelor party... even going into the back room. And only then do you tell the counselor about you deleting his porn and code. And about the silent treatment.

You have a problem in your marriage, well more than one problem. One problem is you being overly emotional, flying into a fit deleting his files, and how your low self esteem that is destroying you. But you have a problem with your husband. He is playing you for a fool.... there is only one reason for going in the back room with strippers. He sent that text, not his friend. I'm sorry but your marriage is in trouble and right now you are allowing him to control what's going on because you are experiencing low self esteem.

Look, even if his friend sent the message and even if he did nothing with the strippers, he is did something wrong. What he did wrong was to behave in a way that did not show you respect and did not honor you. He showed all his friends that were at that party that he has no respect for you.

Whose bachelor party was that?


----------



## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> You go about your business. You call around and find yourself a counselor.
> 
> 
> 
> The worse thing you could of right now is apologize more, cry, beg, etc. You sent him a good apology. Now it's on him to stop the drama. If you continue to apologize, beg, cry, etc. he will be more inclined to continue his silent treatment. Prolonged silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. The purpose of it is for him to control you and the situation. What he wants is for you to pay attention to him, to beg him, to plead for him to talk to you. It makes him the center of attention. And all he has to do is keep quiet and do nothing. How nice for him.
> 
> 
> 
> Let him know that you are not going to play that game. Get busy and basically ignore him. Eventually he will come out of his silent treatment if you do not pay him any attention. Why? Because he will not be getting the attention he wants from you. Because he will not be controlling you.
> 
> 
> 
> Please do get a counselor and tell the counselor the entire story. That means you start with the fact that he cheated on his ex with strippers and made up an excuse that it was because she did not want sex with him. (Maybe she did not want sex with him because she knew he was having sex with strippers and she was afraid that he would give her STDs.) Then you tell the counselor about this text that he claims from sent by a friend and that he was hanging out with strippers, in Vega, at a bachelor party... even going into the back room. And only then do you tell the counselor about you deleting his porn and code. And about the silent treatment.
> 
> 
> 
> You have a problem in your marriage, well more than one problem. One problem is you being overly emotional, flying into a fit deleting his files, and how your low self esteem that is destroying you. But you have a problem with your husband. He is playing you for a fool.... there is only one reason for going in the back room with strippers. He sent that text, not his friend. I'm sorry but your marriage is in trouble and right now you are allowing him to control what's going on because you are experiencing low self esteem.
> 
> 
> 
> Look, even if his friend sent the message and even if he did nothing with the strippers, he is did something wrong. What he did wrong was to behave in a way that did not show you respect and did not honor you. He showed all his friends that were at that party that he has no respect for you.
> 
> 
> 
> Whose bachelor party was that?




His bachelor party. I am seeking counseling. He actually stayed home sick today from work so now I'm not sure if he is still upset at me or just sick?


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----------



## helphelphelpme

Steve1000 said:


> With that kind of letter, I would have forgiven almost anything. My wife did something far worse when we were dating and I could never imagine getting such a strong apology.




I asked him yesterday if he still loves me and he didn't answer. I'm am devastated. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> His bachelor party. I am seeking counseling. He actually stayed home sick today from work so now I'm not sure if he is still upset at me or just sick?


If he was just sick, he would talk to you.

He may or may not be sick. But he is still giving you the silent treatment.

Just ignore him. He wants silence, give it to him.

Do you have a job? Will you be at work today? 

Do you have friends you do things with after work?


----------



## Hope1964

helphelphelpme said:


> I asked him yesterday if he still loves me and he didn't answer. I'm am devastated.


PLEASE stop acting like a kicked puppy. All that's doing is reinforcing his despicable behaviour. Call someone and get yourself into some counseling stat.


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I asked him yesterday if he still loves me and he didn't answer. I'm am devastated.


You really need to stop beating yourself up. What you did not nothing compared to what he did.

Who planned his bachelor party? Why did he agree to a bachelor party with strippers when he has a history of cheating with strippers? Why did he go to the back room with strippers? (we know what goes on in the back room with strippers.) He also lied to you about his friend using his phone.

So where is his apology. If I were you, I would tell him that you need not only an apology for all he did, but that you need for him to never, ever do anything that includes strippers in the future. And you need for him to never, ever send any woman a text, or phone call, that is not strictly about work.

When is your wedding supposed to be?

Did you know beforehand that there were going to be strippers at his bachelor party?

Have you had a bachelorette party for yourself yet?


----------



## Steve1000

helphelphelpme said:


> I asked him yesterday if he still loves me and he didn't answer. I'm am devastated.


My first impressions are that your husband does not have much respect for you and that you do not have enough self-esteem.


----------



## Hope1964

Steve1000 said:


> My first impressions are that your husband does not have much respect for you and that you do not have enough self-esteem.


Understatements of the CENTURY.


----------



## Steve1000

Hope1964 said:


> Understatements of the CENTURY.


Then I want a trophy for that!


----------



## helphelphelpme

I tried to talk to him he won't tell me he loves me. He said sorry doesn't make up for what I did and he won't talk to me. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> You really need to stop beating yourself up. What you did not nothing compared to what he did.
> 
> 
> 
> Who planned his bachelor party? Why did he agree to a bachelor party with strippers when he has a history of cheating with strippers? Why did he go to the back room with strippers? (we know what goes on in the back room with strippers.) He also lied to you about his friend using his phone.
> 
> 
> 
> So where is his apology. If I were you, I would tell him that you need not only an apology for all he did, but that you need for him to never, ever do anything that includes strippers in the future. And you need for him to never, ever send any woman a text, or phone call, that is not strictly about work.
> 
> 
> 
> When is your wedding supposed to be?
> 
> 
> 
> Did you know beforehand that there were going to be strippers at his bachelor party?
> 
> 
> 
> Have you had a bachelorette party for yourself yet?




We were married in September but Big even is may 21st. I knew he was going to Vegas I knew he would be going to strip clubs with the guys fine. I didn't know he would spend 8 hrs in there and in the back room. I didn't know he deleted a text between he and his buddy. Fine we moved on from that then I saw his comp. he is more upset I deleted his code work not the porn. He explained for us to down loans the tv shoes and torrents we get upload a certain number so we gain a certain number showed me the whole thing. He still isn't speaking to me and is shutting me out completely. When he does. This to me I get sick to my stomach I feel helpless and hopeless. The text again we went over friend got his phone and was texting and I can see that in the messages I let that go as it wasn't anything to crazy. Me being on his computer and deleting things is the worst violation to him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964

helphelphelpme said:


> I tried to talk to him he won't tell me he loves me. He said sorry doesn't make up for what I did and he won't talk to me.


What YOU did?? WTF did YOU do???????????

You know, people keep telling you things and you ignore them and just post more and more of the same old "OMG I AM SO HURT HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANY MORE" stuff over and over. It sounds like you just want pity and not help. Is that the case?


----------



## Hope1964

You need heavy duty counseling to work on your self esteem. Seriously.


----------



## helphelphelpme

He wants a divorce now what do I do


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> He wants a divorce now what do I do


So he talked to you?

I guess you get ready for a divorce.

Do you have any friends or family members who live near you? Please contact some friends or family members for support. And tell them the whole story, not just that you deleted some of his files.

Why are you not making a big stink over him being with the strippers?


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

helphelphelpme said:


> He wants a divorce now what do I do
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Give it to him. 

Follow the advice of so many others here. Get some personal counseling. Use it to grow a rock solid backbone. Enlist the support of anybody and everybody you can trust. Make your own connections to help keep you strong. 

And make sure it costs him. Get the best legal representation you can find. Don't back down one bit. Don't accept for one second that he did nothing wrong. Everyone here is unanimous that married men shouldn't be hanging around with strippers under any circumstances. You should be as well. 

Then take you newfound strength and build a better life for yourself without being tied to a louse.


----------



## Hope1964

helphelphelpme said:


> He wants a divorce now what do I do


Are you reading ANYTHING that people are posting here????????????????


----------



## rockon

Hope1964 said:


> Are you reading ANYTHING that people are posting here????????????????


Hope, deep breaths, deeeeeeeep breaths!


----------



## musicftw07

Hope1964 said:


> Are you reading ANYTHING that people are posting here????????????????


Ease down, Ripley. You've blown a transaxle.


----------



## Hope1964

I know I know.


----------



## EleGirl

Do you and he have children that live with you? If so, are the children exposed to this righting? How are they holding up?

Has he ever snooping into your computer? you phone? etc?

I honestly think that what he is doing is putting up a smoke screen to cover for whatever he did in Vegas.


----------



## musicftw07

EleGirl said:


> I honestly think that what he is doing is putting up a smoke screen to cover for whatever he did in Vegas.


I completely agree with this.

Divorcing over deleting code that he has backups of? That seems way overkill to me.

My bet is he knows you are terrified of being left due to your past experiences and he's using that to his advantage.


----------



## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> I completely agree with this.
> 
> 
> 
> Divorcing over deleting code that he has backups of? That seems way overkill to me.
> 
> 
> 
> My bet is he knows you are terrified of being left due to your past experiences and he's using that to his advantage.




I don't I talked to him beg and pleaded and he is giving it a year for me. He doesn't want to say the vows he wrote I feel like I've ruined everything. Do you think by the wedding he will want to read my vows? He is mad I deleted **** and then after saying I wasn't going to I snooped through his phone again. It's not all him Vegas is done with yea know. I'm on to this problem now. He says he doesn't trust me anymore period and with out trust there's no love. So he said he would come back to sleep in our bed tonight but I know forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. I know I hurt him 


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> Do you and he have children that live with you? If so, are the children exposed to this righting? How are they holding up?
> 
> 
> 
> Has he ever snooping into your computer? you phone? etc?
> 
> 
> 
> I honestly think that what he is doing is putting up a smoke screen to cover for whatever he did in Vegas.




No he has never snooped I'm honestly the insecure one. Kids are at home but young. Theres nothing about Vegas that is done and over. It's more so I violated his trust and he says with our trust there's no love. 


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> So he talked to you?
> 
> 
> 
> I guess you get ready for a divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you have any friends or family members who live near you? Please contact some friends or family members for support. And tell them the whole story, not just that you deleted some of his files.
> 
> 
> 
> Why are you not making a big stink over him being with the strippers?




Because I am insecure I let our pasts come into this relationship. But It's because I didn't just come to him. I went behind his back a lot through his phone tablets computers etc


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> No he has never snooped I'm honestly the insecure one. Kids are at home but young. Theres nothing about Vegas that is done and over. It's more so I violated his trust and he says with our trust there's no love.


If what he did in Vegas is done and over, so is what you did. What you did is about a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10 of bad. What he did in Vegas is about a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10 of bad.

Why don’t you understand that? Why are you so quick to let what he did in Vegas go?


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> Because I am insecure I let our pasts come into this relationship. But It's because I didn't just come to him. I went behind his back a lot through his phone tablets computers etc


There are two books that I hope you will read: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. You really really need to read these books.

In marriage, there has to be something called “Radical Honesty”. With radical honesty, two married people have no secrets from each other. That means that you both need to have the passwords for all of each other’s phones, computers, online accounts, etc. And each of you have the right to check them out, to snoop, at any time.

The Policy of Radical Honesty


----------



## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> If what he did in Vegas is done and over, so is what you did. What you did is about a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10 of bad. What he did in Vegas is about a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10 of bad.
> 
> 
> 
> Why don’t you understand that? Why are you so quick to let what he did in Vegas go?




I don't know. I can let vegas go. It's my fault I wanted him to have a bachelor party etc. this snooping thing is me being insane. I don't know what my problem is. I have access to everything it was me deleting it that made his so pissed. He said with out trust there no love. I've begged and pleaded so he is speaking to me now but I am sick to my stomach upset. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I don't I talked to him beg and pleaded and he is giving it a year for me. He doesn't want to say the vows he wrote I feel like I've ruined everything. Do you think by the wedding he will want to read my vows? He is mad I deleted **** and then after saying I wasn't going to I snooped through his phone again. It's not all him Vegas is done with yea know. I'm on to this problem now. He says he doesn't trust me anymore period and with out trust there's no love. So he said he would come back to sleep in our bed tonight but I know forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. I know I hurt him


So he's going to marry you this month, but give you a year before he decides to stay with you? How does that make any sense at all?

Do you have any friends or family? Could you please answer this question?


----------



## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> There are two books that I hope you will read: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. You really really need to read these books.
> 
> 
> 
> In marriage, there has to be something called “Radical Honesty”. With radical honesty, two married people have no secrets from each other. That means that you both need to have the passwords for all of each other’s phones, computers, online accounts, etc. And each of you have the right to check them out, to snoop, at any time.
> 
> 
> 
> The Policy of Radical Honesty




We did till I ****ed that up. He is more upset I deleted **** and still went behind his back looking at ****. 


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## helphelphelpme

I have some but not people I want to talk to I feel mortified. We are already married since September. I take care of my mom. So no not really any friends or fam. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I don't know. I can let vegas go. It's my fault I wanted him to have a bachelor party etc. this snooping thing is me being insane. I don't know what my problem is. I have access to everything it was me deleting it that made his so pissed. He said with out trust there no love. I've begged and pleaded so he is speaking to me now but I am sick to my stomach upset.


You wanted him to have a bachelor party. 

Did you want him to hang out with strippers? Did you want him to go to the back room with strippers?

You are not insane or out of control jealous. Just about anyone would be extremely upset over what he did in Vegas.

If I was engaged to a man who did this, I would end the relationship. The question is not why you snooped. The question is why are you still with a man who cheated on you with strippers? He’s going to continue to cheat. He did this in his first marriage and apparently he intends to continue it in your marriage.


----------



## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> You wanted him to have a bachelor party.
> 
> 
> 
> Did you want him to hang out with strippers? Did you want him to go to the back room with strippers?
> 
> 
> 
> You are not insane or out of control jealous. Just about anyone would be extremely upset over what he did in Vegas.
> 
> 
> 
> If I was engaged to a man who did this, I would end the relationship. The question is not why you snooped. The question is why are you still with a man who cheated on you with strippers? He’s going to continue to cheat. He did this in his first marriage and apparently he intends to continue it in your marriage.




I don't think he cheated on me with strippers. I know he did with his ex wife. Not on me. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I have some but not people I want to talk to I feel mortified. We are already married since September. I take care of my mom. So no not really any friends or fam.


So you have isolated yourself.

Pick one person who you can trust and please go talk to them.

Get into counseling as soon as possible.

You need some help in dealing with this, a lot more help than we can give you on the internet.


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I don't think he cheated on me with strippers. I know he did with his ex wife. Not on me.


What was he doing in the back room with strippers? Why do you think men go in the back room with strippers?


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

helphelphelpme said:


> No he has never snooped I'm honestly the insecure one. Kids are at home but young. Theres nothing about Vegas that is done and over. It's more so I violated his trust and he says with our trust there's no love.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's time to be brutally blunt here. You're not getting it. There is no justification whatsoever for your husband's behavior, either in Vegas or since. 

His blaming you at this point for anything since is his merciless exploitation of your low self esteem and insecurities.

You need to reread, and allow to sink in, every post to this point. At least a dozen people, both genders, married, divorced, faithful, betrayed, across multiple nations and cultures, have all told you the same thing yet you refuse to listen. Until you will yourself to face reality and deal with it, there's nothing anyone here or anywhere else can say to help you.


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> We did till I ****ed that up. He is more upset I deleted **** and still went behind his back looking at ****.


Look I get that you screwed up by deleting stuff. But he had backups apparently because he was able to get it all back.

Yea, I’d be pretty mad about that. But since you only deleted copies, it’s not all that bad.


----------



## musicftw07

EleGirl said:


> What was he doing in the back room with strippers? Why do you think men go in the back room with strippers?


This is where my ignorance shows. I've only been to a strip club once in my life, so I wasn't aware that apparently "the back room" is code for "a place to pay a stripper for sex".

helpme, this is a *major* red flag. As in, practically a smoking gun red flag.


----------



## helphelphelpme

musicftw07 said:


> This is where my ignorance shows. I've only been to a strip club once in my life, so I wasn't aware that apparently "the back room" is code for "a place to pay a stripper for sex".
> 
> 
> 
> helpme, this is a *major* red flag. As in, practically a smoking gun red flag.




No sex I know BJs and things but no sex and I really don't believe any of those things happened. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> No sex I know BJs and things but no sex and I really don't believe any of those things happened.


Blow jobs are sex.

Are you really ok with your husband getting blow jobs from other women?

And how do you know that they were only getting blow jobs. People can do more than bj’s just about anywhere.


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> Blow jobs are sex.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you really ok with your husband getting blow jobs from other women?
> 
> 
> 
> And how do you know that they were only getting blow jobs. People can do more than bj’s just about anywhere.



I don't believe he had any sex or oral I asked if his penis left the pants he said no. He is honestly upset that I deleted his **** and didn't talk to him about and he no longer trusts me. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> No sex I know BJs and things but no sex and I really don't believe any of those things happened.


If those things did not happen, why did he got to the back room with strippers? There was no need for him to do that.


----------



## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> If those things did not happen, why did he got to the back room with strippers? There was no need for him to do that.




That I don't know. I just love this man he has done so much and I need to figure out how to earn his trust now he doesn't want to read his vows. I can't go through another divorcee. I just want his forgiveness and to move forward. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I don't believe he had any sex or oral I asked if his penis left the pants he said no.


He’s a man with a history of lying to his previous wife and having sex with strippers. So he’s an experience liar. 
Most cheaters lie. That’s how they get away with their cheating for so long. He is not going to tell you if he did have oral, handjob (in his pants) or any other kind of sexual activity. He knows that lying works… it especially works with someone like you who is so insecure that you cannot see straight.

Further, let’s predend for a moment that he just went into the back room and had no oral, no hand jobs, no sex…. What did he go to the back room for? Did he go to watch his friends get blow jobs? Why would he even go into the back room with strippers? The only think to do there is to get some kind of sexual activity from a stripper or watch his friends get some.

Further, even if he did not gave any kind of sexual anything, what he did shows a profound lack of respect for you. Do you understand that him doing this alone (with no sex) shows that he has no respect for you and your marriage.




helphelphelpme said:


> He is honestly upset that I deleted his **** and didn't talk to him about and he no longer trusts me.


And you should no longer trust him. 

When I found out that my husband cheated on me, I snooped. And then I told him what I found. He did try the same nonsense that your husband is doing. He told me that he could no longer trust me. My reply was swift. I told him “Oh you can trust me 100% of the time. What you can trust is that I will always do what I need to do to protect myself and my son. And if that means snooping through you stuff, you can trust that I will do it. Never doubt that.” I know that my facial expression at the time was something along the line of “and I will rip your heart out doing it.”

He shut up. He never brought up that nonsense again. He was lucky I was even talking to him and considering reconciling with him. I was not about to let him play this stupid game that your husband is play turning to focus on you.

Your husband is lucky that you are talking to him at all. 

Yes, you were wrong and rather dramatic to delete his stuff. So what, he had backups. I’m a software engineer. Those of us who write software keep backups all over the place. If they don’t, they are stupid and oh well… it’s a lesson that they need to learn. Keep backups.

I can see him saying that he needs to put a password on his computer to protect it from you and your hot-to-delete fingers. Then when you want to snoop he lets you on. Or he just can implement a robust backup system that saves his stuff to the cloud or some device. But he needs to leave his computer so that you can get onto it. The only caveated to that is if he has a computer that is issues by work and they have legal reasons for no on but an employee to use the computer… like if he works for the government, for a company that does government contracts, or works for IBM, Honeywell, Lockheed Martin, Boeing, etc. And these sorts of places scan the computers they give to their employees to make sure that their employees are not using their assets for porn and illegal activities.

The fact that you cannot see that what he did is Vegas is hugely bad is mind blowing. You don’t even sound like you are connected to reality.

Geez girl, stand up for yourself!!


----------



## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> That I don't know. I just love this man he has done so much and I need to figure out how to earn his trust now he doesn't want to read his vows. I can't go through another divorcee. I just want his forgiveness and to move forward.


You say that he has done so much? What is all this that he has done?

You don't have to go through another divorce. What you need to do is to stand up for yourself. You gave him a good apology. what you did is not the end of the world. It's no where near as bad as what he did.

If you stop groveling, and stand up for yourself, he will have more respect for you. Your chances of divorce skyrocket the more you come off the way you are acting/talking.

Are you kidding. Do you know what my husband did when I gave that reply to how he could always trust me to do what I have to, to protect me and my son? He started begging me to not divorce him. It turned from him attacking me to him asking me to please not divorce him and to him doing what I asked to help me heal from his cheating.

Right now your husband does not respect you. You need to get that respect back and you don't do that by going on the way you are doing.


----------



## aine

EleGirl said:


> So he's going to marry you this month, but give you a year before he decides to stay with you? How does that make any sense at all?
> 
> Do you have any friends or family? Could you please answer this question?


Helpmehelp me, sorry but something does not compute here. You seem so afraid of losing him over something so minor. My reading of all of this is that this man is trying to control you through fear, your relationship does not sound healthy at all, you do not sound emotionally healthy. 

Instead of marrying him (it is not going to get better) you should consider more IC for yourself so that you will build self esteem and respect for yourself, at present he is setting the boundaries of your relationship which are all positive for him and negative for you. In fact he sounds emotionally abusive and your sound emotionally abused if you are living in so much fear. Your responses here sound like those of an abuse victim wanting to please and be good for her abuser.

I am sorry for being so blunt but you need help and time away from this man. He does not sound like a loving, caring and equal partner in this relationship. He sounds like he dominates you and you have to put up or shut up.
No normal partner would do what he is doing, your reaction is also not normal.

You are in crazy land because deep down you know that he is not to be trusted, he is gas lighting you and making sure he keeps you in crazy land using the trust card etc. This is a form of emotional abuse. It's a load of BS and you know it. You are too scared to call him out because you fear the consequences.
Even if you marry this guy, it is not going to get better, run while you can.


----------



## CuddleBug

helphelphelpme said:


> I went through my husbands phones tablets and computer I got mad and deleted a bunch of porn. I asked him and we talked about and he explained. Now he isn't talking to me and I'm terrified I violated his trust. I know I have to earn it and I took responsibility for my actions. I'm sick to my stomach what can I do???
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Most guys view porn from time to time because we are sexual and very visual.

We don't do this to hurt the ladies we are with.


By you going into his phones, tablets and computer, snooping and deleting his porn viewing, shows me you are insecure and controlling. This is not healthy.


Put the shoe on the other foot. Say you are the one to view porn and one day he goes through your phones, tablet and computer and finds porn and deletes it. 

- What would you do? 

- How would you react?


Why not find out what porn he is viewing and see if you can do that with him as a total surprise?


If him viewing porn from time to time is a deal breaker, don't stay with this guy and move on. If he's only viewing and not hooking up with ladies for sex, leave it be or get another man.


If Mrs.CuddleBug went into my cell phone and main computer, snooping and deleting things she doesn't like, I would get very angry and password everything. I have never gone into her laptop or cell phone, snooped and then deleted what I didn't like. She also would freak out and probably enable passwords.

It's called respect and trust.


----------



## helphelphelpme

CuddleBug said:


> Most guys view porn from time to time because we are sexual and very visual.
> 
> We don't do this to hurt the ladies we are with.
> 
> 
> By you going into his phones, tablets and computer, snooping and deleting his porn viewing, shows me you are insecure and controlling. This is not healthy.
> 
> 
> Put the shoe on the other foot. Say you are the one to view porn and one day he goes through your phones, tablet and computer and finds porn and deletes it.
> 
> - What would you do?
> 
> - How would you react?
> 
> 
> Why not find out what porn he is viewing and see if you can do that with him as a total surprise?
> 
> 
> If him viewing porn from time to time is a deal breaker, don't stay with this guy and move on. If he's only viewing and not hooking up with ladies for sex, leave it be or get another man.
> 
> 
> If Mrs.CuddleBug went into my cell phone and main computer, snooping and deleting things she doesn't like, I would get very angry and password everything. I have never gone into her laptop or cell phone, snooped and then deleted what I didn't like. She also would freak out and probably enable passwords.
> 
> It's called respect and trust.




I understand that I was in fear and being paranoid etc. but now he doesn't want to be married to me and wants a divorce over this. How can I fix this or work this out 


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----------



## Satya

How soon is your counseling appointment?


----------



## helphelphelpme

I can't get my self in for a month. They are booked. I need real support and advice not to be put down 


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## DEMI6

Cooper said:


> Maybe I'm just a skeptical old fool but I think this guy has you wrapped around his little finger. Text from another woman? His buddy using his phone? Bull. Hanging out with strippers in the back room? Yet nothing happened? Bull again. They make their money in the back room, they don't go back there just to visit, and he knows that because he has a history of using strippers! And porn on his devices because he writes code? I don't see the connection there, even if he's coding for the porn industry why is he saving his work in video format? Someone explain that to me please. Is he still in that business? His ex was the worst wife in history so he had to go buy sex? That's pretty standard bull ****...all of it.
> 
> Am I the only one who thinks that the husband is lying? Way to many instances for me to believe the husband an innocent victim of a paranoid wife, I wouldn't trust the guy for a second.


Agreeeeeed! I definitely see manipulation here

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## DEMI6

helphelphelpme said:


> I tried to talk to him he won't tell me he loves me. He said sorry doesn't make up for what I did and he won't talk to me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Wow

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----------



## helphelphelpme

helphelphelpme said:


> I went through my husbands phones tablets and computer I got mad and deleted a bunch of porn. I asked him and we talked about and he explained. Now he isn't talking to me and I'm terrified I violated his trust. I know I have to earn it and I took responsibility for my actions. I'm sick to my stomach what can I do???
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




He wants to divorce me now over this. I need help


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----------



## DEMI6

helphelphelpme said:


> He wants a divorce now what do I do
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He wants a divorce over his porn!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Oh babygurl he has a problem for sure, not saying it's porn. believe me it's NOT YU

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## helphelphelpme

_anonymous_ said:


> Going forward, don't delete his stuff and verbally commit to that. He won't believe you, so you'll have to earn back his trust. That part will take time. Be patient. Be consistent. Keep to you word.
> 
> 
> 
> As for compensating him, you should give him a night of mind-blowing sex. If it's mind-blowing enough, he'll forgive you of any trespass. And, it might even make him less interested in porn!
> 
> 
> 
> Seems like you are upset about the porn to begin with, given your action. How does him viewing porn make you feel? Some elaboration here would help TAM help you.




He wants to divorce me now and he explained the porn thing and we talked about that. Now I'm terrified because he says with no trust there is no love. 


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----------



## DEMI6

You don't trust him, & yu shouldn't! 

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## DEMI6

He will continue to cheat on you..yoyr making it way to easy

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## helphelphelpme

He isn't cheating


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## aine

helphelphelpme said:


> I tried to talk to him he won't tell me he loves me. He said sorry doesn't make up for what I did and he won't talk to me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He is abusive, do not marry this man. You have major issues with self esteem, your expressions of self doubt, self criticism, feeling of inadequacy. Your gut is telling you to watch out, it is screaming at you as you are about to walk into a terrible situation. Please stop grovelling to him, stop putting him on a pedestal, he is supposed to be your equal, not your boss.
You need help, you are acting as if he is intimidating you, this is not normal.
Pls do as Elle suggested, just ignore him completely, do not pander to his selfishness, stop trying to get into his good books by grovelling. He will not respect you. 
Get yourself IC. Do you have your own income, do you have family near by? Maybe you should consider moving our for a while to clear your head.

BTW how old are you? How old is he? How old are your kids?


----------



## aine

helphelphelpme said:


> He wants a divorce now what do I do
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Give it to him, it will be a good day for you, ffs stop being a punching bag for this guy and find your self respect.


----------



## aine

Hope1964 said:


> I know I know.


I know where you are coming from :wink2:


----------



## helphelphelpme

Again. I am looking for real advice not to be your punching bag it's hard to give a full story on here especially when someone is in a panic. I love him but me snooping through his **** violated his trust which is not ok with him. He has been open and honest with me and yes I was insecure to go through his **** even after I said I wouldn't do it anymore. I broke his trust. I broke it by going behind his back. I didn't cheat or steal. He hasn't cheated. I want our marriage to work. What can I say. You can call me sad and pathetic. I'm looking for real advice. Yes I will look into counseling. Got it. I know But the rest I feel horrible about the actions I took which affected me, my family and our entire marriage. Do you understand that?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya

helphelphelpme said:


> I can't get my self in for a month. They are booked. I need real support and advice not to be put down
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The real advice is here in multiple posts. There may be advice you don't agree with, so if that's the case just ignore that advice. Take what works and is meaningful. 

You need to understand that no one here is going to give you perfect advice, and any advice given has to contend first with your insecurities, which are very pronounced in all of your posts. I believe you can't begin to take much of the advice here UNTIL you are in a stronger place mentally, first. That requires the help of someone licensed and experienced, not armchair psychologists of the Internet.


----------



## Satya

helphelphelpme said:


> Again. I am looking for real advice not to be your punching bag it's hard to give a full story on here especially when someone is in a panic. I love him but me snooping through his **** violated his trust which is not ok with him. He has been open and honest with me and yes I was insecure to go through his **** even after I said I wouldn't do it anymore. I broke his trust. I broke it by going behind his back. I didn't cheat or steal. He hasn't cheated. I want our marriage to work. What can I say. You can call me sad and pathetic. I'm looking for real advice. Yes I will look into counseling. Got it. I know But the rest I feel horrible about the actions I took which affected me, my family and our entire marriage. Do you understand that?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I saw this after my post. 
@helphelphelpme, do you think that snooping is really something that should flat out end a marriage? I believe that a marriage should have no secrecy, but maybe you believe differently. 

What I am trying to say is, what you did is not so grievous as to deserve the kind of attitude and behavior that he is displaying.

You may feel that you did something terrible to betray his trust, but I find that what you did should not need to have been done in the first place because he should have been open with you and not kept any secrets.

Perhaps that is a difference of opinion between us, but your guilt is eating you alive and I believe that many people here feel that you cannot even try to repair things until you address your toxic shame and guilt first. It is not a put-down from posters, it is what they see when they read your posts. 

They are full of guilt. Your guilt is the first thing that you need to examine. The reason I say this, is that I believe that your guilt is misplaced. He is punishing you for something that you did because he knows that it makes you more upset. That is not love, that is abuse.


----------



## aine

helphelphelpme said:


> Again. I am looking for real advice not to be your punching bag it's hard to give a full story on here especially when someone is in a panic. I love him but me snooping through his **** violated his trust which is not ok with him. He has been open and honest with me and yes I was insecure to go through his **** even after I said I wouldn't do it anymore. I broke his trust. I broke it by going behind his back. I didn't cheat or steal. He hasn't cheated. I want our marriage to work. What can I say. You can call me sad and pathetic. I'm looking for real advice. Yes I will look into counseling. Got it. I know But the rest I feel horrible about the actions I took which affected me, my family and our entire marriage. Do you understand that?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


At this point I want to throw my computer out through the window.
Elle has shown incredible patience with you, unfortunately I do not have the time nor patience for your behavior. 

What I understand is that you are a victim of an cheater and a liar and I am sorry but you cannot work with that.


YOU come on here repeating the same stuff.
You refuse to take anyone's advice or listen to anyone
YOU refuse to see the truth of your situation
You refuse to face reality and take necessary action.
No-one here can tell you how to win him back, it is unanimous that we all think you are better off away from this abusive man yet you refuse to accept that.

What do you think? That the good people of TAM are just waffling, you think that was not 'good advice or real advice.'

YOu are the emotional punching bag of your WH but cannot see it! It sounds like there is a huge age gap and you are so young and immature.
He has cheated I would bet my life on it. You can continue to believe what you want, you are so desperate not to face the truth

For the sake of my own peace and sanity I will no longer contribute to this thread.



Good luck HMHMHM, you will need it!


----------



## Openminded

helphelphelpme said:


> I don't believe he had any sex or oral I asked if his penis left the pants he said no. He is honestly upset that I deleted his **** and didn't talk to him about and he no longer trusts me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You asked the wrong question. He could have gotten off from her grinding on him without his pants ever being unzipped. You are far too trusting about what happened there. I think it's called denial. Wake up.


----------



## _anonymous_

helphelphelpme said:


> He wants to divorce me now and he explained the porn thing and we talked about that. Now I'm terrified because he says with no trust there is no love.


This is an overreaction on his part. In reality, there's trust issues both ways. You can't trust that his porn won't lead into an addiction or even cheating, and he can't trust you to respect his things.

You should tell him you're going to counseling to improve your trust issues. Require no action from him, as he views himself as blameless here. Hopefully, this would stall him pursuing the divorce.

In the short-term, he won't trust you, even with the counseling. That's a given. As an added measure for his peace of mind, how about letting him password-protect his computer? Are you able to deal with not having access to his stuff for a while, given what you did? This might be seen as you volunteering for a temporary probation.

Taking a step back from all of this, I have to wonder about why he's reacting this way. You mentioned him doing something professional for porn sites (IT-related), so does this deletion in any way jeopardize his employment? Or, are there other problems in your marriage, and you deleting his porn is the "straw that broke the camel's back"?

Divorcing one's wife over her deleting porn seems a bit extreme. He can get new porn, better porn. He can't get a new you!


----------



## Cooper

helphelphelpme said:


> I can't get my self in for a month. They are booked. I need real support and advice not to be put down
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I haven't read any post that have really put you "down" OP, but have read post that don't give you the answers you are looking for, like mine.

It's obvious you love your husband and want to save your marriage, but you just CAN NOT roll over and ignore the red flags that are accumulating. No one wants to believe that the person they love and devoted their life to will manipulate and deceive us, when it starts happening we start questioning our own instincts because we WANT to be wrong, suddenly we will believe anything . I will say it once again, your husbands actions and excuses are typical of a deceitful person. A good man who cherishes his wife and marriage simply does not put himself in questionable circumstances, the thought of hurting his wife is just to much to bare so he keeps his nose clean.

Now your husband is using this issue to end the marriage, again he is manipulating you. He either wants to divorce and is just using this as an excuse and to lay the guilt on you or his goal is to teach you such a lesson that you will never question him again. OP it sucks to be hurt by someone we love, but you need to stand up for yourself.


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## Johntee

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband backup his computer?


Issue is not back up, issue is damaging the trust. Such movies can be downloaded at any time. Think from emotional point of view.


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## helphelphelpme

_anonymous_ said:


> This is an overreaction on his part. In reality, there's trust issues both ways. You can't trust that his porn won't lead into an addiction or even cheating, and he can't trust you to respect his things.
> 
> 
> 
> You should tell him you're going to counseling to improve your trust issues. Require no action from him, as he views himself as blameless here. Hopefully, this would stall him pursuing the divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> In the short-term, he won't trust you, even with the counseling. That's a given. As an added measure for his peace of mind, how about letting him password-protect his computer? Are you able to deal with not having access to his stuff for a while, given what you did? This might be seen as you volunteering for a temporary probation.
> 
> 
> 
> Taking a step back from all of this, I have to wonder about why he's reacting this way. You mentioned him doing something professional for porn sites (IT-related), so does this deletion in any way jeopardize his employment? Or, are there other problems in your marriage, and you deleting his porn is the "straw that broke the camel's back"?
> 
> 
> 
> Divorcing one's wife over her deleting porn seems a bit extreme. He can get new porn, better porn. He can't get a new you!




It was his work that I deleted. I of course want him to lock up all his stuff and earn back his trust. I can deal with having access. I did tell him I'm going to counseling. He told me with out trust there is no love. I'm hoping this is all an overreaction a way to punish me. I don't know I just know I don't want to loose him and I want to be with him. 


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## helphelphelpme

Satya said:


> I saw this after my post.
> @helphelphelpme, do you think that snooping is really something that should flat out end a marriage? I believe that a marriage should have no secrecy, but maybe you believe differently.
> 
> What I am trying to say is, what you did is not so grievous as to deserve the kind of attitude and behavior that he is displaying.
> 
> You may feel that you did something terrible to betray his trust, but I find that what you did should not need to have been done in the first place because he should have been open with you and not kept any secrets.
> 
> Perhaps that is a difference of opinion between us, but your guilt is eating you alive and I believe that many people here feel that you cannot even try to repair things until you address your toxic shame and guilt first. It is not a put-down from posters, it is what they see when they read your posts.
> 
> They are full of guilt. Your guilt is the first thing that you need to examine. The reason I say this, is that I believe that your guilt is misplaced. He is punishing you for something that you did because he knows that it makes you more upset. That is not love, that is abuse.




I agree with the guilt things. I'm finding this hard to see as abuse. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## musicftw07

helphelphelpme said:


> I agree with the guilt things. I'm finding this hard to see as abuse.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He's doing emotional manipulation on you to achieve the outcome he wants. That certainly qualifies as abuse.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional. Someone can be abused without ever having a hand touch them.

From the outside looking in, that's what we see.


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## Hope1964

My advise to you, since you refuse to see what's really happening here, is to do everything - EVERY SINGLE THING - your husband tells you to. Ignore anything he does that makes you feel like snooping on his computer, and live the rest of your life pretending that he's a great guy so that you don't rock the boat EVER AGAIN and incur his wrath like you just did. And if he divorces you, cry and plead and beg and debase yourself to him for all eternity. Wear sackcloth and cover yourself with ashes, that ought to bring him back. Keep thinking that you and ONLY YOU have done anything wrong here - that is key. Continue to deny that he's ever cheated, continue to deny that his behaviour is in ANY way wrong.

Is THAT what you want to hear?????


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## Bibi1031

aine said:


> Cooper, I agree with you totally, I called some guys out earlier in the thread because the OP's scenario was turned into the pros and cons of the male and porn. I also think the OP doesn't see her H for who he really is, the rose colored specs are on.
> I know some will disagree but a married man has no need to visit the backrooms of any stripper club, at least when he knows it will upset his wife, he is playing OP for a fool. He has also got her believing she is the one in the wrong, the guy is good (in the most awful way, gaslighting supreme).


I think there is some serious hoovering going on with Helpme`s husband. The silent treatments, the over dramatized effect of her snooping compared to his behavior in the back room with strippers. He sounds dangerous and very familiar to me. My X was over dramatic like that. Her feelings of anxiety should move his heart if he truly loved her because what she did was not as over the top as he is making her believe. 

Wake up help me, what you did was bad, but his reaction is way over the top to deflect. Be careful moving forward with your husband, he may not be the greatest catch you think he is. He may be the type most women would run away from. Get healthy by going back to counseling,. You apologized, he fixed the problem, what's the freaking drama really all about?


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## jorgegene

your pain and anguish comes out loud and clear.

i feel the hurt for you. having been in abusive relationships with manipulation and wanting to love in spite of it,
i understand somewhat where you are coming from. i too wanted to love in spite of everything.

it was only after long reflection and time that i realized it was far too unhealthy and toxic.

i finally got the courage and strength to leave. i did and now i look back with love for the person who abused.
like your husband, they were a mixture of bad and good. no one is completely bad or good.
but some people are abusive. that's just the way it is. your posts absolutely sing out with the red flags of abuse by your husband.

the collective wisdom here is harsh and not what you want to hear, but someday you will realize and i hope it's not too late.

i pray you find your peace.


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## Bibi1031

musicftw07 said:


> I completely agree with this.
> 
> Divorcing over deleting code that he has backups of? That seems way overkill to me.
> 
> My bet is he knows you are terrified of being left due to your past experiences and he's using that to his advantage.


QFT

Does your husband over dramatize everything Help me? Does he display grand gestures to show you his love just like he over dramatized you deleting his Porn? 

Why is he throwing out the divorce Threat? Wasn't he not planning a new commitment to you and that's the so called reason for the bachelor party in the first Place?


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## helphelphelpme

Bibi1031 said:


> QFT
> 
> 
> 
> Does your husband over dramatize everything Help me? Does he display grand gestures to show you his love just like he over dramatized you deleting his Porn?
> 
> 
> 
> Why is he throwing out the divorce Threat? Wasn't he not planning a new commitment to you and that's the so called reason for the bachelor party in the first Place?




Yes new commitment. We were going to read vows and now he doesn't want to. He said with out trust there is no love. I want to prove I can be trust worthy. I'm hearing what some are saying. I want my normal life back. We really never argue or fight.him wanting a divorce just threw me. I am in shock. I just want him to love me again and let me show him I can be trust worth not to just stop and throw this away. 


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## Hope1964

helphelphelpme said:


> I just want him to love me again and let me show him I can be trust worth not to just stop and throw this away.


Do you even hear yourself?


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## jorgegene

"without trust, there is no love"

that's just a silly and nonsensical cliche that he uses to shame you. especially given his own violations of trust. i bet he can't even articulate what it truly means.

reminds me of that ridiculous line in the fluff movie 'love story', where she says "love means never having to say you're sorry" what??????


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## Cooper

helphelphelpme said:


> Yes new commitment. We were going to read vows and now he doesn't want to. He said with out trust there is no love. I want to prove I can be trust worthy. I'm hearing what some are saying. I want my normal life back. We really never argue or fight.him wanting a divorce just threw me. I am in shock. I just want him to love me again and let me show him I can be trust worth not to just stop and throw this away.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Since you obviously have no intention of ever calling your husband out on his bull **** I will leave you one last piece of advise. Learn to play his game. For instance sure you went onto his electronic devices, but it was certainly was not to snoop, "oh no dear, I was looking up some information and I accidentally deleted all your porn! I am so sorry" "Hey honey how was your time in the back room with the stripper? Is her family OK? Did you have a nice chat with her? She seems sweet, I'm glad you're such a good friend to her" 

"Oh by the way dear husband, I'm going out of town to visit a male stripper friend of mine, don't worry we won't have sex, were just going to share a room to save on hotel cost". "Oh gosh dear husband, I have no idea how all those guys pictures got on my phone! I think there was a sun spots electrical interference storm that screwed up all the air waves and all those pictures just appeared on my phone!" 

"Gosh dear, you just need to trust me on this, without trust there is no love" 

Try that approach out and see how long he keeps trusting you. You didn't screw up by snooping, but you are screwing up trusting him. 

I'm out.


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## Bibi1031

helphelphelpme said:


> Yes new commitment. We were going to read vows and now he doesn't want to. He said with out trust there is no love. I want to prove I can be trust worthy. I'm hearing what some are saying. I want my normal life back. We really never argue or fight.him wanting a divorce just threw me. I am in shock. I just want him to love me again and let me show him I can be trust worth not to just stop and throw this away.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, your normal life is one without an emotionally abusive man. That means that sooner or later you will end up divorced. If you keep drinking his kool-aid, he will leave you first. But he will annihilate you emotionally that's for sure. . Then he will move on to someone else. 

Don't worry about physical abuse, he is not that type. He is the worst type though. He ****s with your mind by preying on your emotions. You are in shock. You can't believe you are about to lose him and you are desperate. You are acting exactly like he wants you too. 

Stop apologizing, stop groveling and detach. He will change his tune real fast. Let him know he is completely right. That without trust there is no love and that you royally ****ed up. You don't want a divorce, but you don't want to renew vows either. 

Walk away and detach until you have more time to analyze your whole relationship with this abusive type of human being. It's abuse help me, make no mistake. 

Thank you for coming here and posting. You dodged a huge and painful bullet by accidentally posting here. If you can't see his abuse yet, that's OK. There is no way you can't see it for much longer, he will get worse and you will start seeing it very clearly in time. 

File our advise for when you can see the Web he has spun before he is done with you. You are not as naive and easy prey as he thinks. This board has given you a crawlspace from where you will eventually get out of his terrible use of you.

Please don't ever allow another human being to use you and abuse you so terribly. You deserve better than being some abusers prey!


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## helphelphelpme

This morning he said to give him space I feel like a failure. 


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

helphelphelpme said:


> Yes new commitment. We were going to read vows and now he doesn't want to. He said with out trust there is no love. *I want to prove I can be trust worthy. *I'm hearing what some are saying. I want my normal life back. We really never argue or fight.him wanting a divorce just threw me. I am in shock. I just want him to love me again and let me show him I can be trust worth not to just stop and throw this away.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



You keep saying this, or things like this.When it comes to trust, sure it's a two way street, but given your respective actions this is horribly skewed and _you are not the one who needs to earn the other's trust_--it is the other way around--*he needs to earn yours!!!*

You have got to stop second guessing yourself and focus here. Please Please Please do not think I (or anyone else here) is using you for a punching bag as you said earlier--any criticism is meant in the most constructive way possible, to help you see what's really going on here. We are all as supportive as we can possibly be and _we are all really rooting for you._ 

If I had porn on my electronic devices and my wife found it and deleted it, my very first instinct would be to be mortified that I had disappointed her. Given what I had done (assuming we had no previous agreement that it's okay, as some couples do), _I couldn't even begin to think about trying to put blame on her for snooping._ She had as suspicion and it turned out to be accurate so I would be guilty as charged! No defense. I would then set my next course as doing whatever I possibly could to atone for this breach of trust and respect. (again, this assumes no prior agreement that this is acceptable behavior). As it is, my electronics are all completely open to my wife. I wouldn't have it any other way. I have nothing to hide--his complaint about trust is just a nasty smokescreen covering how much he has to hide. 

Your husband's behavior is the worst kind of blame shifting, and only reinforces his disrespect for you. *He should be doing everything possible to win you back, not the other way around.*

And that's just the phone thing. Hanging around with strippers? Egad! Going into the back room with them? Incomprehensible for any faithfully married man, let alone one with his prior history. *With his history, he needs to be doing even more to earn and maintain your trust.*

I hate to repeat myself, but again, you need to get some counseling to help you get strong, see things clearly, and choose a course of action that will actually work for you. You keep looking for advice to put you back on the track you were on, but you wont find that from anyone here. That path will only perpetuate the situation you are in now; if it changes, it will only be to get worse, not better. 

I can't say any more, nor can I say it more forcefully without sounding harsh, which will only make it harder for you to understand. Everything that can be said has already been said on this thread, and it may be the most unanimous convergence of opinion in the history of TAM, which should tell you something right there. You can continue to seek something else, but it's not coming. Time to take action or move on.


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## Steve1000

aine said:


> Even if you marry this guy, it is not going to get better, run while you can.


I once dated a woman who seemed to enjoy acting like I did something so awful that hurt her very much. I can still recall one moment in which I playfully wiped a finger tip of some Vicks Vapor cream on the tip of her nose. She refused to talk to me for several days and required many apologies. I also sent flowers more than once. I remember feeling that I violated her trust and I accepted all the blame. It wasn't until some time after the relationship had ended in which I could look back and see how ridiculous it all was. 

The husband has convinced the OP that she has "hurt" him very much. I hope that eventually she can see how ridiculous her fiance's behavior has been. 


OP, What you did wasn't all that bad to most reasonable people. Hang in there.


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## helphelphelpme

Steve1000 said:


> I once dated a woman who seemed to enjoy acting like I did something so awful that hurt her very much. I can still recall one moment in which I playfully wiped a finger tip of some Vicks Vapor cream on the tip of her nose. She refused to talk to me for several days and required many apologies. I also sent flowers more than once. I remember feeling that I violated her trust and I accepted all the blame. It wasn't until some time after the relationship had ended in which I could look back and see how ridiculous it all was.
> 
> 
> 
> The husband has convinced the OP that she has "hurt" him very much. I hope that eventually she can see how ridiculous her fiance's behavior has been.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> OP, What you did wasn't all that bad to most reasonable people. Hang in there.




I feel my world ending. He said to give him space 


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## Bibi1031

helphelphelpme said:


> I feel my world ending. He said to give him space
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is ending indeed. He wants space because he is almost done with you. He probably found someone new to mess with her mind and emotions with. Your relationship is toast. 

What will you do when he leaves You? This is knocking at your door now. Please see a doctor and get on medication. You are an emotional mess and may end up suicidal. Please remember that no man is worth that and that you have a daughter that needs an emotionally healthy mom and not the scum at the bottom of an abusers shoe. 

Stop being a victim. You need to get up and dust off. No man is worth feeling worthless like you obviously feel. You are a grown woman that has had a terrible marriage and you need to let it go. Your daughter deserves a stronger mom and you are not that. 

If you can't get out for you, do it for her. You dodged a bullet. Get up and get the hell out!

This too shall pass. Give yourself time. What other option do you really have?


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I can't get my self in for a month. They are booked. I need real support and advice not to be put down


No one is putting you down. Instead people are putting a lot of effort into trying to help you but you are blowing all that off.


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## helphelphelpme

I have people telling me I'm suicidal I believe that's a bit off. 
Yes I need help I found a counselor for Friday who will see me. 
I need to let him cool off. 
He hasn't cheated this is a second marriage for both of us so there is natural baggage. He asked me to give him some space. I have a hard time doing that because I want to fix something and move forward. I did violate his trust. He has been open. My ex husband left me and my father wakes out on me. I have some history I need to deal with. I'm not saying he is all right and I am all wrong. I'm saying we're both hurt and I hurt him. I wish I never went through his things period. 


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

helphelphelpme said:


> I have people telling me I'm suicidal I believe that's a bit off.
> Yes I need help I found a counselor for Friday who will see me.
> I need to let him cool off.
> He hasn't cheated this is a second marriage for both of us so there is natural baggage. He asked me to give him some space. I have a hard time doing that because I want to fix something and move forward. I did violate his trust. He has been open. My ex husband left me and my father wakes out on me. I have some history I need to deal with. I'm not saying he is all right and I am all wrong. I'm saying we're both hurt and I hurt him. I wish I never went through his things period.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We're all very relieved that you're not suicidal. Thank you for sharing that. Your depression is obvious so it was a source of concern.
It's also very encouraging that you're seeking counseling. We're all wishing for the best for you.


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme,

Have you been on meds before for depression?

You say that you cannot see a counselor for a month. Perhaps you should get in to see your doctor and talk to him/her about getting on antidepressants or anti anxiety meds.

You seem to be stuck in a loop of hyper reaction at this point. You need to come out of that so you can think straight. Please think about this.


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> No one is putting you down. Instead people are putting a lot of effort into trying to help you but you are blowing all that off.




I see that and there have been some great advice. I.e. The counseling I'm going to do that. Found a doc who will see Friday 
People telling me I'm suisidal is not the case far from. I am on Med's. This disruption triggered my fears and I've been living in fear and not keeping my side of the street clean. 


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## EleGirl

helphelphelpme said:


> I see that and there have been some great advice. I.e. The counseling I'm going to do that. Found a doc who will see Friday
> People telling me I'm suisidal is not the case far from. I am on Med's. This disruption triggered my fears and I've been living in fear and not keeping my side of the street clean.


I'm glad you found someone to see on Friday.

You already apologized for the past. There is nothing you can do about that now.

So keep your side of the street clean going forward. 

Stop bugging your husband and give him he space he wants. Give him lots of space. Go out, make friends, do things. Check out meetup.com and find things to do where you live.

He is far more likely to stop this nonsense if you give him space and you get busy doing your own thing.

And hold him to a higher standard. What he did with the strippers is not ok. Stop making excuses for him.

You need to figure out how to not fall apart like this when he does something wrong.. like with the strippers. This is probably not the last, or only time, this will happen with him.


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## helphelphelpme

EleGirl said:


> I'm glad you found someone to see on Friday.
> 
> 
> 
> You already apologized for the past. There is nothing you can do about that now.
> 
> 
> 
> So keep your side of the street clean going forward.
> 
> 
> 
> Stop bugging your husband and give him he space he wants. Give him lots of space. Go out, make friends, do things. Check out meetup.com and find things to do where you live.
> 
> 
> 
> He is far more likely to stop this nonsense if you give him space and you get busy doing your own thing.
> 
> 
> 
> And hold him to a higher standard. What he did with the strippers is not ok. Stop making excuses for him.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to figure out how to not fall apart like this when he does something wrong.. like with the strippers. This is probably not the last, or only time, this will happen with him.




This is exactly right I'm cleaning house today I'm keeping busy I've talked to my mom. I confessed to someone who I trust and I'm starting to think a little more clearly. Thank you more than you know. 


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## Steve1000

helphelphelpme said:


> I'm saying we're both hurt and I hurt him.


Maybe someday you can reconsider this statement. In the meantime, try hard not to burn his toast in the mornings!


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## Bibi1031

EleGirl said:


> helphelphelpme,
> 
> Have you been on meds before for depression?
> 
> You say that you cannot see a counselor for a month. Perhaps you should get in to see your doctor and talk to him/her about getting on antidepressants or anti anxiety meds.
> 
> You seem to be stuck in a loop of hyper reaction at this point. You need to come out of that so you can think straight. Please think about this.


That is also my concern regarding this poster. She needs medical help in dealing with the drama her husband is causing in her life. I am glad she got upset with the suicidal part of my post. and for the record, I NEVER said she was suicidal, I stated she could end up that way, big difference there. That is at least a good sign. There is some anger there. Anger is good even if it is misdirected.

There is hope for her yet. Your husband has abusive tendencies helpme to the third power. There is no denying that. He messes with your weaknesses and that is very obvious with the threat of divorce and not wanting to show you the vows and telling you that you are on a one year probation period. WTF is wrong with this guy that he and you can't see how terribly wrong this is. He is not a judge to sentence you. He is your husband and should have your back, especially with you being off your meds. That may have been the whole reason you deleted the porn. He is not showing you love with his behavior, not even compassion due to you being off your medication. You did something wrong, you didn't commit murder for crying out loud. 

What would you tell your daughter to do if she were in your shoes? Would you tell her to grovel at his feet? Would you in all honesty tell her to wait a year or until he felt like forgiving her? Please take all emotions out of the picture and focus on the hard facts of what your husband is telling you. That is where the truth lies. You want this marriage to work so badly that you fail to see just how bad it is and has been since probably the beginning of your relationship with this man. He is a drama king and you have played into his game. Stop the toxic dance you two keep spinning into.

You keep wanting to change the past and that is impossible. The cat is out of the bad helpme to the third power! You can only move forward and you cant control HIM. Seek medical help and seek IC and don't get involved with anyone else until you can not miss the obvious red flags you missed with this so called great catch.

You married in September and he wanted to renew vows, and now wants to divorce because without trust there is no love? What crazy drama web are you living in? When are you going to get off that roller coaster that keeps spinning you and your emotions like this? Don't you miss peace and serenity in the comfort of true loving arms and not this drama king nonsense?

I'm dizzy just thinking about your life and Im not even front row and center like you are.


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## helphelphelpme

Steve1000 said:


> Maybe someday you can reconsider this statement. In the meantime, try hard not to burn his toast in the mornings!




I don't know what that means. He wants space im giving it to him


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## helphelphelpme

_anonymous_ said:


> This is an overreaction on his part. In reality, there's trust issues both ways. You can't trust that his porn won't lead into an addiction or even cheating, and he can't trust you to respect his things.
> 
> 
> 
> You should tell him you're going to counseling to improve your trust issues. Require no action from him, as he views himself as blameless here. Hopefully, this would stall him pursuing the divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> In the short-term, he won't trust you, even with the counseling. That's a given. As an added measure for his peace of mind, how about letting him password-protect his computer? Are you able to deal with not having access to his stuff for a while, given what you did? This might be seen as you volunteering for a temporary probation.
> 
> 
> 
> Taking a step back from all of this, I have to wonder about why he's reacting this way. You mentioned him doing something professional for porn sites (IT-related), so does this deletion in any way jeopardize his employment? Or, are there other problems in your marriage, and you deleting his porn is the "straw that broke the camel's back"?
> 
> 
> 
> Divorcing one's wife over her deleting porn seems a bit extreme. He can get new porn, better porn. He can't get a new you!




I think the divorce is over the fact he can't trust me not to snoop. He isn't speaking to me or texting me unless to reply with one word answers. He is good to the kids. I'm trying to be strong but I can't help but want to break down. It doesn't jeopardize his job. It's the fact I went behind his back. I became paranoid my ex husband used to talk **** to my neighbors behind my back. I defiantly have some issues but I thought the point of marriage was thick and thin better or worse. Not pick and choose. I'm so scarred and sick to my stomach. I love him and do t want to loose him


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## Steve1000

helphelphelpme said:


> I don't know what that means. He wants space im giving it to him


I meant that if you make other mistakes, his response may not be in proportion to the degree of the mistake.


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## IndianApple

Well. As a matter of fact, i am in two minds :

1. benefit of doubt.
2. What made the OP have a doubt on her hubby.

@OP tell me just one thing honestly. What is it that you thought to doubt him ? Am sure there would have been ab instance by which you are compelled to doubt him.


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## Tomara

These good people have provided excellent advise. I wish you could see it. No man is more important than your mental health. I won't give advise because it will fall on deaf ears.




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