# internet friendships and marriage



## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Hi Folks,

Just want to ask peoples opinions on a situation i find myself in.My husband has an internet"lady" friend,he says they are just pals.On tuesday he met her and finally told her about myself and our children.She wasnt bothered about us never asked about us,he on the other hand is being secretive and sly and deleting messages he also has this womans phone number in his phone.He insists they are just pals,but he has lied to her for 5 yrs over the internet she still doesnt know his real age and occupation.He has told me i may never speak about her or him ever again as they are pals nothing more..So why is he still breaking promises he made..He promised to put our yahoo settings back to save messages also he promised to delete her phone number and he also promised to not sit here ever night talking to her...so far nothing has changed..What should i do?

Finally when i mention anything about her he goes mental telling me its all my fault im a jealous ,overbearing control freak.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I'm pretty new around here but from reading other people's posts, this sounds like an emotional affair. Your H is getting something from this internet gal that he's unwilling to give up.

Here's an approach that I tried a while ago with a girl who wouldn't stop calling my H. They had a fling in college before he and I got married, she is also engaged now. Not too long ago, she started calling, saying she got in a fight with her fiance, could she come visit my H and move in with him. Naturally, I freaked out. I begged him to stop talking to her. I cried. I worried.

And then I asked myself, why does he like her? Why does my H value this girl? What does he get from their friendship? The answer was, my H liked how this girl turned to him to solve her problems. He liked being the rescuer. He liked being LIKED! And who doesn't?

I decided to give up control. I told my husband - I love you. Do whatever you think is best. And what did he do? He told the girl that she should stay with her fiance and work it out, but he (my H) would be there if she needed to call. She's been scarce ever since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Well just a quick update ,my husbands "friend" has now moved closer to us and he is offering to go help her out whenever she needs the help,OMG its worse than before,but on the other hand he doesnt love her but feels obligated towards her to help.Does anyone else think this is a tad stupid on his part she treates him like dirt then he runs back to her when she clicks her fingers.I believe there is more to this "friendship" but as of yet no proof .Dont know how often he willbe visiting her but it all seems a bit fishy to me and his track record isnt great when it comes to "girlfriends and the internet" they seem to be crawling out the woodwork.Found out he tells them hes 30 ish when it turns out hes 40 ish lol insecure maybe i dont know but thats the update .


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is truly an emotional affair--and sounds like it is heading towards a full out physical affair in the near future. You should treat it as an affair. There are plenty of resources on this site to guide you through the steps you need to take. But, the first thing is that she has to go!

Of course, he is going to try to tell you she is "just a friend". He is also going to try to tell you he has a right to some privacy where this is concerned. Don't buy into one bit of that! And this is coming from a person who has a best friend that is the opposite sex. While my husband and I were together, my friend and I never hid any e-mails or phone calls from my husband. Everything was completely open. My husband was always welcome to attend anytime my friend and I got together.


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## JXM (Sep 15, 2010)

speaking from the male side , I have been in a similar situation. The short answer is selfishness. We argue , we have family issues to deal with etc with our W, but not with a GF or former lover as those issues never had to be delt with, only the guilt and pain of hiding from our W what we men were doing.

Why does he like her? I don't have the answers but can assume is because of the little things at home is not what he has to deal with concerning 'her'.

I honestly feel an emotional affair is just as bad as physical/sexual as our emotions we should be sharing with our spouse we share with another person with no future, and use that other person to 'escape' from our own lives. Yet the same issues we can't or don't want to deal with are exactly what brought another person into our lives. Its a two edged sword us guys and gals have no excesses other than the above 'selfishness'


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Well thank you for your replies,just to let you know he is promising to visit her whenever she needs him and he will always be there for her cos hes that type of guy yeah right,i have no idea where this new guy came from but its not the one im married too,he threatens me nearly every day with leaving me so basically as long as i keep my mouth shut,let him go visit her ,take her gifts,play games with her ,then i will stay married he read your replies and he thinks we are all wrong there is nothing in this relationship just friends,he cannot see that what he is doing is wrong.Well thats the latest update feeling pretty low right now also found out i have some pretty major health problems so this is about all i can take .Thank you all for your support hopefully it fizzles out but i doubt it they talk everyday and well now she will live approximately 7 miles from me and my daughters so easy visiting for my h my girls are terribly upset about it all as there dad is taking this womans feelings into account but not theres so we are left behind.This woman never talks about us never mentions me and my kids just talks to him all the time about everything from PMS to smear teste i mean come on would you really talk to a man friend about smear tests thats the sort of conversation you talk to females about not males. but anyway will keep you all posted support much appreciated . thank you very much


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## Mrs_Levine (Jan 7, 2010)

I think what plymouth71 said is right. My husband has had an internet friend, who is a much younger woman, for the past five years. In the beginning it was all I could do not to freak out about it, but I trusted my husband. 

She gives him something that I can't--a place to whine and moan and say how mean the world is. I can't stand listening to that from him and she does, but that's all they offer each other. She likes to do that kind of complaining too and he listens. I have to say that I'm still not crazy about their friendship, but I'm not bothered by it either.

Relationships are all about trust and I think you have to trust him until he's proven that you shouldn't.

You can also visit me at my blog, Whispered Between Women.


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Well thank you again for all your support,I have tried lots of different things nothing works he needs this woman more than me ,she gives him something i cannot,neither can our daughters,today is the day she moves 7 miles from me ,and well to be honest i feel phisically sick right now,my kids ar etrying to do exams knowing their dad will drop them in a minute to go see this woman,she has his mobile number and will text him when she arrives to which by the way he hides from us we never see his phone or anything to do with it,she is ruining our lives by moving here but he doesnt see it he only sees his PAL moving closer to him and it will be fun, fun for who not me and his kids we are so sad and he says its all our own doing,emm HOW did we do this may i ask. But enough i say christmas is coming lol ,have to put a brave face on as im falling apart inside. thank you all again


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Don't be fooled, your man is playing with fire.

No such thing as a man being a pal with a woman.

Spend some time on this forum to read on emotional affairs, what they do, how men and women react when they are caught up in them, and what to do to fix them.

Your husband will not react to subtle hints. Instead he needs a cold bucket of water over his head to wake him up out of his fog.

To do this means, yes, you must fight and fight hard and play dirty if necessary.

I wish you well.


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

thank you i agree with you but,nothing i can do now tried everything he sasy he will get rid of her but in the meantime he feels obligated to help her so im stuck between a rock and a hard places and feel S**T how long will this take i have no idea ,so i have to trust him and hope for the best .but he admitted last night it isnt right for a married man to be sitting in a single womans flat playing games with her and taking her sweets when his wife isnt welcome along. so hopefully its a start xx


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

lonely-mel said:


> ,so i have to trust him and hope for


Don't count on it! It is already an emotional affair. It doesn't look like the physical affair is too far off--if it hasn't already happened. Right now your husband is "having the ole cake and eating it to". He is suffering no consequences, so his behavior continues.


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Well what can i say it took him all off 24 horus to ask for an invite too her house her is the convo

He said: did you bring monopoly with you.
she said: aye i did
He said: im only going to come up if you invite me too.
she said: i have woman flu right now.

What the f**k does all that mean i said he blatantly asked her for an invite he sasy nah he was just letting her know he will only visit when invited ,so basically he is begging for an invite CORRECT, wow whatever next.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

and what the heck is 'woman flu' .... I hope not what it sounds that it's that time of the month .... why would she say that unless it was to say 'don't want sex right now'


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

swedish said:


> and what the heck is 'woman flu' .... I hope not what it sounds that it's that time of the month .... why would she say that unless it was to say 'don't want sex right now'


LOL That's definitely a new one! I'm glad you said this because I was thinking the same thing.....and I have already said plenty in this thread.


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Yeah you have all been very supportive which is much appreciated,so here is what is going on now, she asked him to go out for coffee at a local cafe he has accepted that dont know when but they are going out,took her less than 72 hours to ask him out lol,so i gave him an ultimatum he has until christmas eve to get rid of her or we are breaking up regardless of everything else he has agreed but he hopes to be rid of her sooner,so we will see my kids say its the best for all of us so i hope so ,in the meantime i will look into financial stuff and things like that ,as it will be a not nice couple of months knowing he is out "having fun " as he says with her.so thank you i will come and let you all know whats going on .


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Good for you! Hope everything works out.


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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

Thank you, not looking too promising right now but he insists he will get rid of her,but i dont get why he has to go visit her if he is distancing himself away from her makes no sense to me at all nor anyone else i have spoken too,but he says he has to go lol yeah right,he also said he felt dreadful when she told him she was moving up here,so why did he not make it clear to her then that he wasnt available, i think he wants to be her (pal) but only when she lived away from him shes now too close.He is losing all respect from his daughters ,they have both told him he shouldnt be socialising with a single woman wihtout his partner being there but he says no strings no feelings so it cannot hurt, so if he has little feelings for her then why is he going to visit her and have coffee withtout me being their,he couldnt answer his kids when they said that to him and he gets angry when you mention anything about her so we will see.


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