# Thinking divorce...help, please



## harry (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband hid a relationship from me for the past two months. Apparently, a woman who went to the prom with him in high school (many moons ago) contacted him via Facebook two months ago. He replied and immediately took this relationship private. It turns out he emailed her 133 times in the two months when I knew nothing of this. But I know all about it now, he told me to read the emails, and like a dope, I did. It made me furious, they were talking about me from time to time and not in a good light, also discussing why he "couldn't" tell me. He actually told me when she was flying here to meet up with him from across the country (literally, from across the country) and I said, no I do not want to go, and I think you shouldn't, either, since this was all news to me and I felt betrayed. So he didn't go. But what I need to know is, am I being unreasonable? I can't get past the fact that he hid this from me for two months. I feel so offended, like what else does he hide from me, that I am considering that this is a breaking point. Because I don't trust him anymore, after this. He says all of this amounts to nothing...but I think his hiding this from me amounts to...something. Thoughts, please. What should I do? Or at least, should I subscribe to his thought the he thinks I'm crazy for thinking there's something odd about his behavior? He's seems to want to make me the fall guy for all of this, when I knew nothing about any of it, and he didn't bother to tell me anything. I feel lost. It's almost as though I don't know him anymore. I think marriage should be built on trust and honesty. Clearly, this hasn't happened, but he thinks I'm crazy for thinking anything happened at all to damage our relationship. I think the damage is done, trust is now in out the window.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

so considering that I/we have no idea the details of the emails.
He did let you read them and he did agree to take you along for the meet.
There surely is something going on which is incorrect, and you need to deal with that,,,, with him.. 
Forget that he talked to someone else. Your question is WHY!
Find out why he felt the need to be interracting with someone else and try to go into that. resolve it.

And yea.. I dont think you know enough. You're not going about this in the right way. 
Confrontation is NOT going to resolve anything at this point.
And you need to work on it a little more before throqwing out that D word. I take it you have not been married that long.

Either way,,, stop comparing your H and your marriage to that VISION that has been planted in your head. Marriage can be tough at times (relationship) , and your commitment is to work through it, get to the bottom and be as close as two people possibly can be. Get to a therapist, talk more in a calm manner about the source of problems.
Put in medical terms... "Treat disease NOT symptoms"

If you love each other.
Try to work it out. Ask yourself and him the question. Do I want to stay marriaed to this person?
YOU need to ask yourself that question without being angry about what happened.


good luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How long have you been married?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

harry said:


> My husband hid a relationship from me for the past two months.


No, he did not. _He hid from you that he thinks your marriage is in trouble and he needs outside advice. _ You may be disappointed with the way he is fighting for your marriage, but you should be relieved that he still thinks the marriage is worth fighting for.



> He replied and immediately took this relationship private.


He asked a woman friend for help him understand how women think. Would you feel better if he asked his beer buddies?



> It turns out he emailed her 133 times in the two months when I knew nothing of this.


Either she is not very good at helping him understand your problems, or you two have very many problems.



> But I know all about it now, he told me to read the emails, and like a dope, I did. It made me furious, they were talking about me from time to time and not in a good light, also discussing why he "couldn't" tell me.


Listen to yourself. Your husband invited you to see exactly what he was up to. You could have said:

"I am grateful that you are trying to fight for our marriage, but you showed poor judgement. Instead of talking to me, or to a professional marriage counsellor, you asked for advice from someone with no training and no experience. What makes you think her advice would be helpful?"

Instead, you want desperately to see yourself as a victim of a grand betrayal. *You are not a victim and there is no betrayal. * You may be a victim of stupidity, but there is no betrayal in a husband who asks for help and then invites you to read all about it.



> Am I being unreasonable?


No, you are being an idiot. Your husband is being an idiot also, but at least he is trying to solve your problems. You, on the other hand, are interested in coming off as some kind of martyr. If you want your husband to grow up, show him a better way to solve problems. Propose counselling. Propose forgiveness. Propose laughter. *Do* something. You are so interested in feeling like a victim, you are watching helplessly as your marriage swirls down the tubes.

Between the two of you, I see a fool trying to fix things and self pitier trying to find a demon in the heart of a man who seems like a pretty harmless and well intentioned clown.

One of you had better grow up quick, or this union is sunk.

Good luck.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

turnera said:


> How long have you been married?


Sounds like a two year marriage between 20-somethings.

Inexperience means lots of choppy water ahead. The odds are long, but hopefully they will make it


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