# Do I have a right to be angry?



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This past Saturday night I went to a wedding without my wife. When I came home I was told by my 7 year old daughter that my wife had invited our male neighbor over to the house to put together a chair we had bought earlier in the day. 

Rather than ask me, she asked her mother if it was inappropriate to have this person come over. she also texted him later that night and thanked him for his help, adding that "between the two of them" I wasn't very good at putting things together. She later deleted the text before finding out I had read it.

I confronted her about it and she apologized, saying she shouldnt have done it. 

I just can't get over 1) why she couldn't wait until I got home to ask me to put the chair together and 2) why she felt the need to put me down to the neighbor in text and then delete the message. She seems to have no remorse for deleting the message and says she just deleted because she wasn't going to talk to him again at this point.

Am I wrong to be angry? It's been 4 days and I'm still just as mad as I was on Saturday night. Am I being too jealous?


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd be pissed too. 

Can you look at your wife's phone bill? You need to find out if she calls/ texts his number or any other number in large quantities.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

It was disrespectful, no doubt about that. She should have left it for you to handle and definitely shouldn't be talking smack about you to another man.

I told you a couple of years ago you should divorce her, and I don't remember seeing any updates recently. How is your marriage now overall?


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> It was disrespectful, no doubt about that. She should have left it for you to handle and definitely shouldn't be talking smack about you to another man.
> 
> I told you a couple of years ago you should divorce her, and I don't remember seeing any updates recently. How is your marriage now overall?


Better recently until this.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is this possibly for real??

I'm struggling with this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Is this possibly for real??
> 
> I'm struggling with this...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why? You don't think it was disrespectful? Do you recall his previous threads?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> Is this possibly for real??
> 
> I'm struggling with this...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who goes to a wedding without there wife?


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Who goes to a wedding without there wife?


It was my co-worker's wedding and we didn't have childcare
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Why? You don't think it was disrespectful? Do you recall his previous threads?


I want all opinions good and bad, lol. If im being crazy so be it, let me know. I know the whole thing sounds like a silly story but I'm really angry. Ego bruising and such
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not jealous...your protecting your marriage.

On a positive note your old lady isn't a well established cheater if she can get busted by a 7yr old...how dumb is that,,,what was she thinking?

Your old lady needs a spanking...you may not be able to put together a chair but you can tie her to one!!!LOL

Seriously...keep an eye out...this sounds way to calculated for it to be an innocent lack of judgment on her part, so do some digging...like in the cloths hamper...if you know what I mean?

On a side note...how many beers were missing out of the frig?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing...now that you revealed your source you might need to look for another source in "protecting" your marriage....I doubt your old lady will make the same mistake twice.

After the shyt your old lady just pulled , I would be planting VAR;s all over the place.

Put that's just me.

What was she thinking!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was going to ask if she had stopped being so self-absorbed (that's the nicest way I can put it) but apparently not. 

YES, you have a right to be angry


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here and 36 years married. Your wife has definite sights on this man; inviting him over to fix a chair when she has a husband? It is totally inappropriate. Sadly, it took your 7 year old to bust her mother. If my husband did this and asked a neighbor to hem his pants and tell that neighbor that I'm utterly useless in sewing, all hell would break loose. Also, I would tell that neighbor that my spouse is risky and to stay away from trouble. That will send the message that your wife is a hot mess!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jd08 said:


> I want all opinions good and bad, lol. If im being crazy so be it, let me know. I know the whole thing sounds like a silly story but I'm really angry. Ego bruising and such
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The biggest red flag here is the fact she said "just between you and me"...that is not a good sign when it comes to your attraction level!

So with that said lets see how far this rabbit hole goes and start investigating.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I was going to ask if she had stopped being so self-absorbed (that's the nicest way I can put it) but apparently not.
> 
> YES, you have a right to be angry


It also appears her mother is still way too involved in the marriage.

I don't think you're crazy at all. What she did was really inappropriate.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Roselyn said:


> Woman here and 36 years married. Your wife has definite sights on this man; inviting him over to fix a chair when she has a husband? It is totally inappropriate. Sadly, it took your 7 year old to bust her mother. If my husband did this and asked a neighbor to hem his pants and tell that neighbor that I'm utterly useless in sewing, all hell would break loose. Also, I would tell that neighbor that my spouse is risky and to stay away from trouble. That will send the message that your wife is a hot mess!


I agree, this guy needs to know your boundaries when it come to being at your house when your not there and using your tools with out your permission.

As far as your wife goes she needs a lesson in what your boundaries are when it to come to taking shyt about you and inviting guys over when your not around.

Lets face it....your old lady acts different when you are not around and that is no way to affair proof a marriage.

BTW ...why the phuck are you going to a wedding with out your old lady? it's usually an easy score when you take a chick to a wedding!


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Naturally we side with the OP. We should ask a few questions just to get the background.

However, how long has the chair been broken for? Recently or not? Urgent job or not?

Had you suggested it was something you would do or help her with


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Why? You don't think it was disrespectful? Do you recall his previous threads?


Nope, don't recall. But I'll go look them up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Disrespectful indeed. What consequences is she getting for this. By consequences I mean boundaries.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look at the other side of the coin - you didn't have to spend Sunday putting the thing together. Bite the bullet and tell your neighbor thanks and let him know that in the future you would appreciate the opportunity to not: read the directions, throw away a key part with the packaging and render a new purchase totally worthless and unusable. Because as a husband it is your God given right to fvck it up so back off and he can tell your begging wife "Hell, no, that's your husband's job".

As for your wife, that will be the last item you purchase that has to be put together unless she can put it together all by her lonesome. Your wrenches and screwdrivers are retired.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Who goes to a wedding without there wife?


Someone who has a wife who refuses to attend it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If she had to ask her mother if it was inappropriate she already knew that it was inappropriate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

We bought the chair Saturday. It hadn't even been out of the box yet. And when I say chair I mean it was a kids table chair. It would have taken me all of 20 minutes to put it together.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Yes you have a right to be angry about this. 
She shouldn't have criticised you in the text either. 
I would keep on eye on their interactions in the future. 
Is your neighbour married also? 
I wouldn't be happy about my husband doing jobs around another womans house. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Sounds to me like she was checking out the neighbor.

- Wanting help with a nonessential task like putting a chair together, something you or even she could have done easily by herself.
- Asking her mother if it was inappropiate, which means she knew it was, otherwise she wouldn't have asked in the first place and she wouldn't have asked the one person that probably had her back no matter what instead of you. 
- Inviting another man into your house while you are gone, although she thought it was inappropiate.
- Sending him texts afterwards. (Didn't she thank him when he was leaving your house? Why was there any need to send a text?) 
- Putting you down in a conversation with another man.
- Deleting evidence.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My first thought was that it's just a chair, but then I thought about how I'd feel if my hb had a female neighbor over in my absence. 

Yeah not cool.

But in fairness I wouldn't go to a wedding without hb, so I have to ask if your wife was ok with that? Weddings are couples events, assuming of course that you have a partner. 

Not knowing you backstory, is there any chance this was a passive aggressive move to pay you back for going without her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> My first thought was that it's just a chair, but then I thought about how I'd feel if my hb had a female neighbor over in my absence.
> 
> Yeah not cool.
> 
> ...


Read a few posts above, we did not have childcare so she had to stay home with kids. 
I felt compelled to go as it was my co-worker and we have a small office. It wouldn't have been cool for me not to show up.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jd08 said:


> Read a few posts above, we did not have childcare so she had to stay home with kids.
> I felt compelled to go as it was my co-worker and we have a small office. It wouldn't have been cool for me not to show up.


I did read your posts and I know you didn't have childcare. 

My question wasn't why you went without her, it was whether she was ok with that. 

Your wife is number one, not your coworker.

Was she ok with it?

Your avoidance of the question suggests she wasn't ok with it, but maybe I'm wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> jd08 said:
> 
> 
> > Read a few posts above, we did not have childcare so she had to stay home with kids.
> ...


We both discussed and agreed earlier in the day that I would go without her. In fact, I even agreed that I would just go to the reception and not the ceremony in order to spend more time helping with kids.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree, soccermom. 

I was one of the posters that didn't think this marriage would make it but there are children involved and so I understood why he wanted to stay. But that comment sounds like she's fishing with the neighbor.


----------



## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

I would have no problem at all having a male neighbor help my wife with whatever she needed help doing as I trust my wife. 

The part that was out of line was the text disrespecting you and that was a red flag of sorts but she may have thought she was being clever or funny and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. 

She apologized for it and I would accept it as accepting people's mistakes is a part of life. 

I recall you two had other more serious issues. This issue seems very minor compared to the bigger issues so I would let this one go.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

jd08 said:


> We bought the chair Saturday. It hadn't even been out of the box yet. And when I say chair I mean it was a kids table chair. It would have taken me all of 20 minutes to put it together.



Pretty simple answer - she was only going to be available for this definite and confirmed time frame.

If you put the chair together, she's going to have an issue coming up with something "legitimate" to get him to come over and help with.

My question is - what are you going to do about this?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jd08 said:


> We both discussed and agreed earlier in the day that I would go without her. In fact, I even agreed that I would just go to the reception and not the ceremony in order to spend more time helping with kids.


In that case I think it was a d!ck move on her part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like she does not have much confidence in you. 

If it had been her brother involved, would any of this have mattered to you? Or is it the fact that it was the neighbor?


----------



## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

I hope you were able to hold up a mirror to your wife.

1) inviting a man over without you present AND without your knowledge beforehand was disrespectful

BUT the biggie was

2) She took care of another man's feelings (giving him accolades for his work at YOUR expense)...now THAT is hurtful and very damaging to a relationship if isn't nipped in the bud.

I hope she is aware and will make amends for that offense...

Rationalizing, minimizing, etc. is only to protect herself and shirk culpability...


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Yes, you have a right to be angry. Not only were you thrown under the bus with your wife telling neighbor that you were not good at this but my question is why the neighbor? and why when you were out?Was there any reason you and wife could not have figuired this out together? Is she the helpless type that depends on males? Lots of questions in my head but to me this sends up a red flag.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think you have the right to be angry. What she did was open the door to a potential inappropriate situation (EA, PA). However with the 7 year old there, that may not have been her intention (at least not on a conscience level). She was feeling guilty about it because she had to ask her mother. Was she jealous of your going to the wedding with out her? She apologized, so let it go but keep your eyes open.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jd08 said:


> This past Saturday night I went to a wedding without my wife. When I came home I was told by my 7 year old daughter that my wife had invited our male neighbor over to the house to put together a chair we had bought earlier in the day.
> 
> Rather than ask me, she asked her mother if it was inappropriate to have this person come over. she also texted him later that night and thanked him for his help, adding that "between the two of them" I wasn't very good at putting things together. She later deleted the text before finding out I had read it.
> 
> ...


One should never put down their spouse to another. IMO you have every right to be upset.

Concerning the text to the neighbor after the chair was completed....it belittled you and was reaching for her. She likes the neighbor my man. Furthermore, why the hell does she have the neighbors cell number? My W and I do not have our neighbors numbers. If we need something we knock on the door.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

the guy said:


> ...
> Seriously...keep an eye out...this sounds way to calculated for it to be an innocent lack of judgment on her part, so do some digging...like in the cloths hamper...if you know what I mean?
> 
> ...


yeah, I think the wife clearly expected the daughter to tell. I don't know how his attendance at the wedding was discussed (was she okay with it, or was it an argument), but she wants to send a message: "if you don't conform your behavior to what I want, I'll bring another man in here."

That's messed up. My wife did stuff like that a couple times when we were dating. Red flags!


----------



## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

May I ask why you two didn't go the wedding together ? Her choice or yours ?


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Yes you have a right to be angry!

My H's female boss drove him to her house on their lunch break to help her move an appliance that was delivered. She has a long term boyfriend but told my H that "he isn't very good at things like that" and that she knew my H "could easily do it for her, he has so much more experience with this kind of thing, he's so knowledgable...". My H lied about going over to her place that day and at least 2 other times that I know of to "help" her during the construction of her house. He also lied about her calling him when she was off sick and talking to him for half his lunch because she needed more "advice" that he could give her. 

I strongly suspect this developed into an EA at least over time. We went to MC and MC drew circles like the inside rings on a tree trunk.
She said for him to place himself in the middle, and then according to their importance and closeness in his life-place me(right beside him, the kids (the next ring over) his parents and siblings (the next few rings out) then the clerk at the grocery store (almost the farthest ring) then place the co-worker (he placed her a little closer than the clerk) 

MC explained that when he does favours for co-worker and spends time on the phone with her he is inviting her into his inner circle where I am and she does not belong there-when he lies about his contact with her he is putting a wall between me and them. These are not the appropriate boundaries for a marriage and it needs to stop immediately. It communicates the wrong message to me and to the coworker about their relative importance in his life. MC said H and the co-worker had poor boundaries and she seemed to have an aggressive personality. (from other things i'd said-she had also texted him after work hours to join her and her friend for a beer because "everyone" was there and it would be fun-it turned out it was just her and a girlfriend.

I was never able to prove anything except that he lied about his interactions with her- put a VAR in his car too late- i think whatever it was-was over by then. 

Your wife sounds like she is capable of doing what this woman did. This woman pursued H at a vulnerable time, (managed to figure out his love language when I had not) and praised him for his hard work and expertise every chance she got while downplaying her boyfriend- he's not very strong, knowledgable, experience, fun, doesn't drink and gets mad at her when she does,….

Her pursuit -and my H's welcoming it and being deceitful about it- just about destroyed our marriage. It made me angry, insecure, and jealous. It destroyed my faith in my marriage. It also made me step up my game. I took a long hard look at myself and how I'd let myself go. I made changes. (I went on mild antidepressants to begin to make the changes) I lost weight, I bought new clothes, got my hair done, went out with my friends more, took up golf and learned how to play pool. I became more outgoing and fun. H seemed to appreciate the changes and made some of his own -went to MC with me and IC on his own, spent much more time with me having fun,doing things together. 

We reconnected. Maybe thats what you and your wife need to do? Try and be what each other is missing. Read "His needs her needs" and see if you can start meeting them. Trust me I tell him a h*ll of a lot more how strong he is, how knowledgable, how much I appreciate his efforts.


----------



## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

I asked you earlier about why you didn't go to wedding as a couple, and now I see it was a child care issue. 

I take it her mother doesn't live close by ? She seems to be involved with her mother, can her mother not provide child care so you can do things together as a couple ?

Now, getting back to your original question, yes you have a "right" to be angry. It's a normal response to being mistreated. And your wife did mistreat you.

However, this about more than that night. I have not read your other posts, but it sounds as if you marriage has been on the rocks for a long time, and this night is just a symptom of a myriad of issues between the two of you. I think marriage counseling might be more helpful than the two of you asking mothers and strangers on a chat board for advice.

It seems the two of you don't know how to relate and are both questioning yourselves and your marriage. She has to ask her mother if it's appropriate to have a man over when you are not there, you are second guessing your very valid feelings about your wife's disrespecting you.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

0P yeah she's trouble and it sounds like this is not her first rodeo she has cheated in the past.? I haven't even looked or read your other post yet.it appears that she is a little to comfortable and by deleting the text she's a pro dude. Sorry to inform you everyone else here most likely feels the same. If I was you I would become a very good detective. You can get all the help here, and never ever reveal your source you have to become creative when you confront her, but come here first for you do anything like that. but what ever you do you never let her know how you got your information. Never give up your source of information.

Honestly I would serve her divorce papers doesn't mean you have to go through with it but it wake her up or knock her out of fog. You definitely got a WW on your hands. 0P please keep posting so we can help you. Do yourself a big favor you can please take our advice seriously, try not to second-guess us. Everyone here has gone through what you are going through now. and we're here to help. Hang in there buddy be strong for your kids God bless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I don't recall your earlier posts. Was she cheating on you? At the very least, it's disrespectful to speak negatively about your spouse to others. The chair could have waited until you got home. I believe you should be extra vigilant at this point in your marriage. Check phone records and have a few VARs around for a while.


----------



## theb4ssplayer (Apr 28, 2016)

That was pretty disrespectful. I'd try to let your anger subside and just keep an eye out. Not saying this is anything, you probably shouldn't be too concerned, but maybe just be a little watchful. 

Also, Panthers all the way.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

there is really no explanation of this that makes sense other than it was a come-on to the other guy

1. who asks a neighbor for help with something like this on a Saturday night?

2. what was the urgency of getting the chair assembled?

3. why was she incapable of doing it herself?

4. as others have pointed out, why did she need to text him? how is it that she has his cell number in the first place? why did she feel the need to delete the text? why did she disparage you in the text?

I would say the neighbor has a major problem too. If some woman asked me for help like this, I would make up an excuse and not do it. It is blatantly obvious what this was. 

I would let the neighbor know casually that he doesn't really need to bother helping out with stuff like this. Frame it as your wife is a bit silly with the help requests and that he can feel free to ignore her if she reaches out again. Do it with a smile and let him read between the lines.

As for the wife, I would let her know that she has violated your trust. Don't even argue about what this was-- it is obvious. Just tell her "You violated my trust and I expect that won't happen again."


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Row Jimmy said:


> I would have no problem at all having a male neighbor help my wife with whatever she needed help doing as I trust my wife.
> 
> The part that was out of line was the text disrespecting you and that was a red flag of sorts but she may have thought she was being clever or funny and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> ...


Things like this really aren't about trust. It's about respect, and I really would not want to be with someone who thought cutting me down to other people was clever or funny. To me, disrespect is never funny nor clever.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Row Jimmy said:


> I would have no problem at all having a male neighbor help my wife with whatever she needed help doing as I trust my wife.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Agree.
She shouldn't have criticized you..that is hurtful. She deleted the text probably because she knew it was a stupid thing to say.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

citygirl4344 said:


> Agree.
> She shouldn't have criticized you..that is hurtful. She deleted the text probably because she knew it was a stupid thing to say.
> 
> 
> ...


I understand that different people are different, but it would not even enter my thought process, let alone reach my lips, or in this case fingers to text, anything down putting about my wife.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

To me, it seems like maybe she did it on purpose. I mean, she has the 7 year old at home. She invites the neighbor over to "help" with the chair. She KNOWS her 7 year old is right there. Kids say everything. Anyone with a 7 year old knows this. 

My guess is she really wasn't okay with you going to the wedding without her. She "agreed" to it, but wasn't okay with it. This is her own fault. If she wasn't okay with it, she should have told you. By choosing to go to the wedding without her, you chose the co-worker over your W. You left your W at home at night with kids while you went out and had a good time. So, I'm thinking your W called the neighbor for this "simple" task to get back at you. 

It's her way of controlling the situation. It's really immature, too. She should have just told you she wasn't okay with it. But even if she did, would you have still gone anyway? Would you have argued that you needed to be there? Does your W think you would have argued this? 

What she did was horrible and downright disrespectful. You need to let that be known and that you will not deal at all with disrespect like that again.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anger comes from hurt and/or fear. You felt hurt that she expressed a low opinion of you. You felt afraid that the neighbor knows how your wife sees you.

I think the way forward is to humble yourself and talk with your wife. Ask her to help you understand why she did what she did. 

Be open to what she has to say, not defensive. 

Do you have a history of not getting things done when she has asked you to do them? 

Ask her that, btw. She may see this differently than you do.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

And not for nothing...me being a guy...the first thing I thought of after your W statement, "He is not good at those things." was "What else is he not good at?" Welcome to the lead-in statement and question.....


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> And not for nothing...me being a guy...the first thing I thought of after your W statement, "He is not good at those things." was "What else is he not good at?" Welcome to the lead-in statement and question.....


I think she was just expressing her honest opinion.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> I understand that different people are different, but it would not even enter my thought process, let alone reach my lips, or in this case fingers to text, anything down putting about my wife.




True. And the same for me.
I agree it shows disrespect and is hurtful but it takes more than one text like that for me to say someone is cheating and divorce her bad well.
I however do not know the OPs back story and am basing my opinion on this one incident.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

jd08 said:


> We both discussed and agreed earlier in the day that I would go without her. In fact, I even agreed that I would just go to the reception and not the ceremony in order to spend more time helping with kids.


Maybe i'm thinking of another poster but your wife doesn't trust anyone else to watch the kids except her mother, right? Is that why you didn't have child care? I seem to remember that you had trouble taking her out for date nights because of this.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> To me, it seems like maybe she did it on purpose. I mean, she has the 7 year old at home. She invites the neighbor over to "help" with the chair. She KNOWS her 7 year old is right there. Kids say everything. Anyone with a 7 year old knows this.
> 
> My guess is she really wasn't okay with you going to the wedding without her. She "agreed" to it, but wasn't okay with it. This is her own fault. If she wasn't okay with it, she should have told you. By choosing to go to the wedding without her, you chose the co-worker over your W. You left your W at home at night with kids while you went out and had a good time. So, I'm thinking your W called the neighbor for this "simple" task to get back at you.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree. I think she was being passive aggressive.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

If it was the opposite, 

she would be away and you ask the girl nextdoor to come show you how to cook you a meal, and you told her your wife is not very good at cooking like her.......how would that look like to the common Tammer?

We would say you want to bed her!


----------



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

At a glance it does look a little like she is shopping so to speak. If there was no emergency requiring the chair to be assembled than I would say the chair was her excuse to get the guy over and opened up an opportunity for dialogue. The comments about the husband not being very good at things of that nature was a way to stroke the neighbors ego while lowering her husbands ranking. Basically advertising to the OM that her husband isn't very manly. 

IT does sound to me like there may be some attraction to the neighbor and she was fishing to see how a little flirting would be received. I doubt anything has gone on between them but from what little we have to go on I would suggest that she is testing the waters.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

the guy said:


> The biggest red flag here is the fact she said *"just between you and me"*...that is not a good sign when it comes to your attraction level!
> 
> So with that said lets see how far this rabbit hole goes and start investigating.


:iagree: This opens a private communication channel between them...


Therefore the deletion of her tracks.... Very bad sign.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I could see my wife doing this (including the "just between you and me"). In our case, I wouldn't be worried about an affair, but I'd be pissed that she's disparaging me in front of others - I do know that she complains about me to her friends (she does it via text and doesn't realize that I have access to her texts).

I'd be mad if I was you - to put you down like that is uncalled for. I know I'm not the handiest person in the world, but no need to broadcast it to the world.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

bankshot1993 said:


> At a glance it does look a little like she is shopping so to speak. If there was no emergency requiring the chair to be assembled than I would say the chair was her excuse to get the guy over and opened up an opportunity for dialogue. The comments about the husband not being very good at things of that nature was a way to stroke the neighbors ego while lowering her husbands ranking. Basically advertising to the OM that her husband isn't very manly.
> 
> IT does sound to me like there may be some attraction to the neighbor and she was fishing to see how a little flirting would be received. I doubt anything has gone on between them but from what little we have to go on I would suggest that she is testing the waters.


I would tend to agree with this as well.

The only unclear thing is when she obtained the neighbor's cell number. Was it at the same time as the chair assembly or prior to that?

This would be worth looking into.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I did read your posts and I know you didn't have childcare.
> 
> My question wasn't why you went without her, it was whether she was ok with that.
> 
> ...


I agree with this.

There is some hostility here....on her part. And she is conflicted. She knew it was wrong...did it anyway....let her mother know....Why?.....Subconscious conflict...needed to share her mental struggle with her mother...whom she feels safe [in confiding].

She was lashing out and punishing her husband...in the passive/aggressive mode. Conflicting grey-matter.

It was her inner mind...that is not in alignment with the overt {outer} mind....the mind that "others" bump up against.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Side note:

I am extremely handy. I have pulled engines out of cars and rebuilt them, same with transmissions.

I have totally gutted homes that we have owned and did everything...carpentry [rough and finish], plumbing, electrical, painting, drywall work, cement work. Have dug and installed drain tile.....yard sprinkling systems, have operated back-hoes and using drain snakes. Rebuilt our washer and dryer, stoves, furnace, whatever.

Oh, and I do a very good job on these things.

Only downside, would be the time-frame of the project, start to finish. Working long hours at work, sometimes stretched out the time that the jobs got completed.

Well, you get it. Not tooting my horn.

*MY WIFE insists on calling contractors *over to the house, KNOWING that I have the skills to do anything around the house.
She knows that it pisses me off. She knows that the costs will be triple or more what it will cost if I do the job. 

On huge jobs, I am willing to discuss things. The contractor doing say, 50%, and me finishing.

My wife does this to *gain control *over "things". The "things" are "ME and the Mouse in my pocket".

She *HAS TO FEEL *in control or she goes bonkers. 

We are *TWO ALPHA's *under one roof...
______________________________________________________

OP...she may be trying to actualize her own control and worth in YOUR marriage.

One of the main reasons wives stray is feeling un-appreciated and not listened to. 

How do they get back? They seek the comfort of another person. 

When that person is their mother....[usually] not so bad. 

When it is another man, who could be a POSOM in bulging training pants. Watch out! 

A Red Flag has been thrown. Hopefully, it is the first...and last one.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I could see my wife doing this (including the "just between you and me"). In our case, I wouldn't be worried about an affair, but I'd be pissed that she's disparaging me in front of others - I do know that she complains about me to her friends (she does it via text and doesn't realize that I have access to her texts).
> 
> I'd be mad if I was you - to put you down like that is uncalled for. I know I'm not the handiest person in the world, but no need to broadcast it to the world.


Just a quick scan of your posts of today learns me that you should be worried about an affair anyway....

I have seen many threads with not in sex interested wives who game a lot of the time. They end up chatting and getting EA/PA's in those threads. Better check your situation where you are heading.

Not that an affair is your first worry though, but if could follow out of the other things that are wrong.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Another point.

By confiding in her mother she was, again, sub-consciously letting her know that she is having marital problems. This cannot be the first time the mother has been told of marital issues. You do not know what they discuss....what they have discussed in the past. I believe she wants HER MOTHER to stop the impending infidelity......thoughts that eventually lead to....PIV. 

I suspect the mother sees hints of a wayward puzzycat daughter emerging.

She is asking for help. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously, OP, your wife is starting-to-unwind. It may be ephemeral, a one-time slip. A very revealing slip, that she has shown to the Male Neighbor. She has shown him her mental flesh. 

Soon, she will reverse motion, crouching, arms down, tightening all muscles.

She will then pull the switch (to Wayward Mode) and leap up-and-away from YOUR marriage.

OP......GET YOUR WIFE BACK.....You need to love her Back-to-Fidelity. Affair-Proof your marriage.......... PRONTO...TONTO.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> I think she was just expressing her honest opinion.


That is part of the problem. One does not express derogatory opinions about their spouses to any but perhaps family member or very close friend.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> That is part of the problem. One does not express derogatory opinions about their spouses to any but perhaps family member or very close friend.


How can he realistically enforce that?

If I were the OP, I would get to the root of her dissatisfaction with him. Address it directly. Make a realistic assessment of whether or not they can be satisfied with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> How can he realistically enforce that?
> 
> If I were the OP, I would get to the root of her dissatisfaction with him. Address it directly. Make a realistic assessment of whether or not they can be satisfied with each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You can not enforce it but one would hope their spouse would have enough respect for each other that dropping remarks like that would not happen with the neighbor. Family and very close friends it will happen. Everyone needs to let it out every now and then. Just not with the neighbor who just happens to provided his cell number to the W.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> You can not enforce it but one would hope their spouse would have enough respect for each other that dropping remarks like that would not happen with the neighbor. Family and very close friends it will happen. Everyone needs to let it out every now and then. Just not with the neighbor who just happens to provided his cell number to the W.


That could be a starting point to a conversation.

"Wife, I felt embarrassed and disrespected when I saw that you had asked the neighbor for help and told him it was because I was not up to the task. I want to put my pride aside, though, and hear why you decided to do this. Please help me understand."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Just a quick scan of your posts of today learns me that you should be worried about an affair anyway....
> 
> I have seen many threads with not in sex interested wives who game a lot of the time. They end up chatting and getting EA/PA's in those threads. Better check your situation where you are heading.
> 
> Not that an affair is your first worry though, but if could follow out of the other things that are wrong.


I have no fear of an affair - she is not wired that way, plus the way she dresses and acts is not attractive. If she wants to have an affair anyway, she can be my guest - I'll try like hell to get full custody of the kids and the new guy can see what it's like to be involved with a mental midget who thinks dropping f-bombs every other word is cute.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Anger comes from hurt and/or fear. You felt hurt that she expressed a low opinion of you. You felt afraid that the neighbor knows how your wife sees you.
> 
> I think the way forward is to humble yourself and talk with your wife. Ask her to help you understand why she did what she did.
> 
> ...




Of course it is the OP's fault. It is always the guys fault right?

Just tuck your tail between your legs and beg for forgiveness, BS.

Like OP said, he could have put it together in 20 mins, no f'en need for outside help.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Of course it is the OP's fault.* It is always the guys fault right?
> 
> *Just tuck your tail between your legs and beg for forgiveness, BS.
> 
> Like OP said, he could have put it together in 20 mins, no f'en need for outside help.


This is ALWAYS her thought process when the wife does something completely inappropriate that hurts the husband...


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My neighbors on each side and I have each others cell phone numbers. We travel and if something is amiss at the house, we want to know about it.

When my husband died, one neighbor sent her husband over to inform me that if anything needed to be done (including changing a light bulb) that I was to consider her husband mine. I smiled and told him that was right generous of his wife. We both laughed. I, also, thanked his wife the first chance I got. Some neighbors are just neighborly.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> This is ALWAYS her thought process when the wife does something completely inappropriate that hurts the husband...


I know, sarcasm is great at times.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I have no fear of an affair - she is not wired that way, plus the way she dresses and acts is not attractive. If she wants to have an affair anyway, she can be my guest - I'll try like hell to get full custody of the kids and the new guy can see what it's like to be involved with a mental midget who thinks dropping f-bombs every other word is cute.


So you stay only for the kids?


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> We are *TWO ALPHA's *under one roof...


I think the problem is OP isn't ALPHA enough. She does things he doesn't like (lack of sex, complain to mom, invite other men over to build furniture, ect) and all he does is whine and get sullen. 

She doesn't respect him. He doesn't deserve that, but it's the dynamic that exists in their relationship. OP needs to do some self work, build some boundaries and take action. MMSLP would be a good start. 

PS - I think she is grooming the neighbor to be a potential affair partner. She would have been more clandestine about it if they were already actively in an affair. That or she respects OP even less than I give her credit for.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> So you stay only for the kids?


Yep, that's about it. I'll acknowledge that I made a mistake marrying her, but I'll try to make it work by being there for my kids. At least I take them out and play with them, read to them, etc. She's too lazy to do much more than turn on the TV while she sits on her rear playing games, even on a beautiful 75 degree day when they should be outside.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jd08 said:


> We bought the chair Saturday. It hadn't even been out of the box yet. And when I say chair I mean it was a kids table chair. It would have taken me all of 20 minutes to put it together.


 One possibility that I am leaning toward is that she was using the chair as an excuse to get to know this male neighbor better. Her texting him a message that built him up and put you down, while saying that it was just between the two of them, was her telling him that her relationship with him was to excluded you, as she was treating him as only her friend and not as a friend of the couple.

You have every right to be pissed as this has all the makings of a possible future affair. If this guy is interested in pursuing her, she has opened the door wide open. I am guessing that you will be checking back with us later about her and this neighbor.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm kind of curious, if your daughter hadn't told you about the neighbor, what was your wife going to tell you when you notice that the chair was put together?


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

GET PISSED!!! My SIL pulled this crap, let her bf know that she was interested in another guy. He tried nice his way thru the situation. She said "He didn't get angry, so he doesn't care about our relationship" She dumped bf for the new guy, then found out the new guy likes to "shop around". Aint't Karma a b!tch!!

Her dissin you to the neighbor, having him "help" with a task that a husband usually does, O HELL NOOO!!!

She needs to shape the F--- UP or GET THE F--- OUT!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> GET PISSED!!! My SIL pulled this crap, let her bf know that she was interested in another guy. He tried nice his way thru the situation. She said "He didn't get angry, so he doesn't care about our relationship" She dumped bf for the new guy, then found out the new guy likes to "shop around". Aint't Karma a b!tch!!
> 
> Her dissin you to the neighbor, having him "help" with a task that a husband usually does, O HELL NOOO!!!
> 
> She needs to shape the F--- UP or GET THE F--- OUT!


Your avatar is quite fitting.:grin2:


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Your avatar is quite fitting.:grin2:




Ya know, I've gotten more strident. My wife seemed to feed off her sister dumping bf and brought up some weird crap. That's when it all hit the fan. I've always tried to treat her with respect and take her feelings into account. 

I also ended up feeling crapped on. So when I drew the line in the sand and said "Talk to counselor about baggage you lied about & brought into our marriage or hit the door", I figured she would walk.

Instead, she is starting to work on her issues. Then, she brings up more crap, (of a different smell), just to see my reaction. I've learned that I need to get in her face & tell her in no uncertain terms what I think,

She has turned into a much nicer person to be around. Either she's setting me up or is actually changing. 

Only problem is, there are times the boss has been chewing my @ss all day, one or more of the cars have broken down, and one of the kids needs help with something, and I just want to go home, and enjoy sitting in my chair, (*which I put together >*), NOT play mind games.

So if anyone has noticed my posts have gotten to sound a little short tempered, it's cuz I got tired of the crap & call BullS--- a lot quicker.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

jd08 said:


> Read a few posts above, we did not have childcare so she had to stay home with kids.
> I felt compelled to go as it was my co-worker and we have a small office. It wouldn't have been cool for me not to show up.


Posting in mid-thread read before I forget. Might be mentioned later. Couldn't Mother In Law baby sit for a night? If Wife is asking her advice on whether or not to have Mr. Fix It over, she certainly has the type of relationship where she can ask for a night of babysitting.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I think most guys -- myself included -- would be pretty upset when faced w/ something like this.

If he were a close friend, though? Slightly different, but even then the wife should be checking w/ her husband first.

I'd also feel the need to _politely_ thank my neighbor for his assistance while simultaneously making it clear to him that such helpfulness should be avoided going forward.

ETA: The smack talk and deletion of texts would seem to add a bit of additional complexity to this situation.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One day I got a call from a friend asking if I could fix a hole in a wall. Her husband had gotten angry and put his fist through the plaster wall. I gathered up my supplies and fixed the hole and told her I would be back the next day to put the finish coat on. The next day, her husband was there and said "I could have fixed it if I had had the supplies". Told him 1) there would have been no need to fix it if he acted like an adult and 2) there was a hardware store 1 mile from his house.

He didn't seem particularly put off that someone else had to fix his damage - let alone a woman.

Moral of the story: it could be worse for his ego - it could have been a woman who put it together.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I'd also feel the need to politely thank my neighbor for his assistance while simultaneously making it clear to him that such helpfulness should be avoided going forward."

Exactly. This way the neighbor won't think he's a jerk and start whizzing on his lawn and he won't suspect the OP is angry. Never let an opponent see where you tie your goat.


----------

