# I am unhappy and dont know what to do



## FinalBring (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi guys,

I am in a state where I want to give up on my marriage but at the same time hold on to it (does that make sense).

A brief background:

I married my wife a year ago, she is a couple of years older than me but in terms of compatibility, we hit it off.

In the first three months of the marriage, it was bliss, we had fun and our actual love was growing. Then she got pregnant and everything spiralled down from there. Initially, she started giving me the silent treatments whenever she was displeased with me. It lasted for days. I was confused and frustrated that she chose that action instead of talking to me. After a couple of silent treatments, I did a silly bluf but at that time, my reasoning was to wake her up from these childish games. I wrote her a letter that I am tired of her STs and that I am unhappy in the marriage. I suggested the D word if things continue like that. In reality, I never wanted to divorce my wife, just to let her know that I am unhappy (bad tactic, I know).

She went in on the bluf and was quite shocked that I would ever bring up the D word. We had a long emotional talk, convincing her that I never want to D her, just that I was tired of these STs. We both forgave each other and started a fresh slate. The bliss continued for a couple of weeks and things started going bad again. This time, she started disrespecting me more often and giving me the STs. I got frustrated again but kept reminding myself that she was pregnant and thus hormonal. I ignored her insults and every time she silence treated me, I was the first one to apologise, most of the time I didn't even know what I was aplogising for. I can barely remember when she apologised for her behaviour. 

Fast forward to when our beautiful daughter was born, I was over the moon. Mainly at the fact that I am a father now and that her pregnancy hormones have calmed down and she is back to the wife I really married.

I was wrong. She became worse. She has no regard for my feelings, the insults intensified and the silent treatment reached a stage where she refuses to talk to me even when I am apologising. She pre-ocuppies herself with our daughter and refuses to acknowledge my existence. In addition, she employed this tactic of "my way or highway". There is no compromise, just take my way.

Funny enough, whenever we are with her friends or her or my family, she is back to her oldself. The minute we are on our own, she becomes this mean and angry woman.

I don't know what to do. I cannot keep apologising everytime she is displeased. It would make look weak and it seems we are not hitting the core.

Lately, I have been wondering whether marriage is really like this. Everytime she disrespects me or ST me, I lose some of my feelings for her. I am now at a point where I am doubting whether I really love her.

Please help


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Stop apologizing and man up.

When she insults you - "come see mewhen you want to talk like an adult with me"
Then walk away.

Silent treatment? Same idea. When you are ready to talk to me like an adult and treat me with respect come see me...walk away.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE, she's sh!t testing you and you keep failing.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FinalBring said:


> In the first three months of the marriage, it was bliss


FB, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such pain with your W's abusive treatment of you. The behavior you describe could be the result of hormonal changes -- if that behavior was not persistent when she was younger. If it had been occurring earlier, it could be the result of strong traits of a personality disorder (PD). 

What do you know of her ability to get along with previous BFs? Does she speak harshly of them? Is she now in her mid-20s? And what do you know about her childhood and relationship with her parents? Was there any abuse or abandonment in her childhood? At issue is whether the tremendous anger you are seeing has resulted from hormone changes or, rather, has been there under the surface since early childhood.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I suggest not bringing up the D word unless you intend to follow through. When a spouse does this, incredible insecurities rise.


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