# Lost Manhood



## bigdaddy41 (Jun 17, 2010)

Hi, T.A.M. family. I am new to this site and hope that I remember to follow all the rules. You guys seem to help each other out with lots of different issues. I hope you all will lend me some of your advice. 

I am married to a woman that I have loved for 17 years. We have always had a very good sex life and I thought I was doing all the right things. But, with women you never really know for sure. Just the other day we argued about how much sex, or lack there of, in our marriage. Me arguing for more, she for less. This I think is normal. However what came out of the argument was not normal, or maybe it was and I just don't know it. This is where I need your help. My wife told me that I treat her like a sex object. I was floored. I have always treated her with the highest of respect, and I cant't believe that she said that to me. I am of the mind set that a women is to be charished and love because she is the giver of life. I feel like I have, in someway let her down. 

On the other hand I feel as a husband, and as a man, that my wife should be the object of my sexual desires. If I can't turn to her when I am horny who do I turn to? Do I go out and cheat? Do I just give in and only have sex when she says it's ok. I really do feel demasculated. I want sex but I refuse to ask her for it for fear of being as she calls it "over sexed" What to do?


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## LaCuriosa (Jan 13, 2010)

bigdaddy41 said:


> My wife told me that I treat her like a sex object. I was floored. I have always treated her with the highest of respect, and I cant't believe that she said that to me.


That's a big difference in perspective... What specifics/examples did she give for this? 

LC


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Take a deep breath big guy. Sex can be painful to talk about. I used to have such a crazy high drive. I kind of miss it - but if I could choose I wouldn't want it all back - just about half of it. LOL.

Lets start with you asking yourself some tough questions:
1. Do you grope your wife. Groping being touching her in a directly sexual way - boobs, butt - without any warning, without any warmup? 
2. Do you grind against your wife when she is at the sink - again without any consideration for what is in HER head at the moment? 
3. Do you leer, make blunt sexual comments when she is dressed or undressed? 
4. Do you touch her in a non-sexual way frequently (this is generally a good thing if she likes affection)? Like a hug that has no sexual intent. Just a hug - maybe a long one - just to be close.
5. Do you go slow in the foreplay area so that SHE is really wanting to get there by the time you get to the main event?

Do you make a good faith effort to try to figure out if she might be in the mood to play, before you initiate sex? This is a big one because if a woman is dead tired and her H makes a pass - he comes across as very selfish. 

With that said, if she is tired "most" nights - that is a problem that SHE has to help solve. I have told my wife in the past that it is not acceptable for her to overload her schedule and then ignore me at night. I deserve to be factored into her schedule - and in fact other than our kids - I expect to be given a very high priority. 

Is any of this making sense? 



bigdaddy41 said:


> Hi, T.A.M. family. I am new to this site and hope that I remember to follow all the rules. You guys seem to help each other out with lots of different issues. I hope you all will lend me some of your advice.
> 
> I am married to a woman that I have loved for 17 years. We have always had a very good sex life and I thought I was doing all the right things. But, with women you never really know for sure. Just the other day we argued about how much sex, or lack there of, in our marriage. Me arguing for more, she for less. This I think is normal. However what came out of the argument was not normal, or maybe it was and I just don't know it. This is where I need your help. My wife told me that I treat her like a sex object. I was floored. I have always treated her with the highest of respect, and I cant't believe that she said that to me. I am of the mind set that a women is to be charished and love because she is the giver of life. I feel like I have, in someway let her down.
> 
> On the other hand I feel as a husband, and as a man, that my wife should be the object of my sexual desires. If I can't turn to her when I am horny who do I turn to? Do I go out and cheat? Do I just give in and only have sex when she says it's ok. I really do feel demasculated. I want sex but I refuse to ask her for it for fear of being as she calls it "over sexed" What to do?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

bigdaddy41 said:


> My wife told me that I treat her like a sex object. I was floored. I have always treated her with the highest of respect, and I cant't believe that she said that to me.


Then it's time to look at other parts of the relationship. First as MEM asks, how do you initiate sex? Is it an invitation a courtship or is it a throw down?

Think of the other aspects of the marriage, she likely said this because she is missing something herself.

When she wants to talk to you about work, kids, issues or just to gripe, do you listen to her attentively? Do you support her when she is discussing an issue or problem.

Do you initiate non-sexual intimacy regularly? Hold her hand when walking, watching TV? Hello hug and kiss, good-bye hug and kiss....

Do you complement her? Her looks, her talents a great meal she just fixed?

Do spend time with her for one on one time? Not playing video games or working on hobbies too much. Are you available to her?

Do you do things for her just to do them. Chores around the house, a card or flowers for no reason. 

I would suggest you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. The two of you likely have different love languages.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

and if you stop doing what you say you do she will wonder why your not attracted to her anymore.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

How many times a day / week / month are we talking about here?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. For her to say you are oversexed, how often are we talking?

And most people have formed/verbalized their theories and philosophies on the various aspects of life, but very few live up to them. Very few put any action behind the philosophy. Do you? You said, "_I am of the mind set that a women is to be charished and love because she is the giver of life_" so in what ways do you show her how cherished she is? You said, "_I am married to a woman that I have loved for 17 years_" so in what ways do you go about showing your love?

Normally, men and women equate love, sex, and affection very differently. If every hug or kiss has to turn into sex, she naturally feels objectified because she doesn't want every hug or kiss to be loaded. Sometimes, she just wants them to be a hug or kiss. If every gesture or attempt to *show* your love has to serve as your personal portal to sex tonight, then she naturally feels objectified because your efforts were obviously insincere and not for her at all, so she won't appreciate the sad attempt at subterfuge. I could go on but I think you get the message.

To help you understand, this is your biggest clue right here.



bigdaddy41 said:


> On the other hand I feel as a husband, and as a man, that my wife should be the object of my sexual desires.


It is wonderful, truly wonderful that your wife is the object of your desire. The problem is that she does not know it because that is not the message you convey to her. What is the impression you give her? This is..........



bigdaddy41 said:


> If I can't turn to her when I am horny who do I turn to?


Very Big! Extremely huge! Humongous and Gigantic mistake! LOL You mean those two statements as one in the same, but they are different as night and day. This is what I mean by men and women equate sex and affection very differently. You equate desiring your wife and being horny as the same thing. Most men do, so you are not at fault being that it's human nature for the male species. But to facilitate harmony in your marriage, you have to understand the female psyche and how differently your wife feels those two statements are. She, as a woman, wants to be desired, wants to feel desired, wants her man to desire her. She does not, however, want to feel like your human blow up doll, as if the purpose of her birth is to serve your purpose. For her, desiring your wife means you want no other woman on earth. Desiring your wife means you would pass up a chorus line to be with only her. But being horny means any broad will do you, including a non-human blow up doll. Get the difference? So in reality, your philosophy about women falls apart because you continually make her feel anything but cherished, at least in this manner. And you don't make her feel loved in this manner either because, after all, who loves a blowup doll?

I know you don't intend any of this. It's just the way it all comes across to her. So, lose the philosophies and work on the actions. And this move is what you need. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles. It will teach you to love selflessly and unconditionally, and it will really help you beef up your sex life. The best part is you will learn and understand what those words "love" and "cherish" really mean so that your wife, as beneficiary, begins to actually feel loved and cherished. Once you watch the movie (without her) and get the book that the movie is all about, then work on applying the principles in the 40-day challenge that the book walks you through. You will notice a very big change in your wife's response to you. Then, have her watch the movie and give her the book to read. It is great for you both to work for each other in such loving ways. If you think the past 17 years have been wonderful, you haven't seen nothing yet.


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