# spouse with chronic illness



## cal (Sep 2, 2011)

I am new here. I have a wife who is dealing with a chronic neurological illness. I haven't been happy in a long time. She has been sick for over 3 years. Even before that, we had problems, but they were all put aside when she got ill. I did all I could to support her, but it feels so overwhelming now. I'm just so tired all the time, and depressed since there is no end in sight. I never tell her how I feel since I worry about her feelings. She thinks I'm ok, but the truth is that is far from the case. We have no love life or romance at all, and I'm basically a live in caretaker. I guess I just need some encouragement sometimes. I know she feels bad, and needs to take it out on me at times. I just can't imagine going on the rest of my life in this situation.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your wife. Will the dies progress to the point that she will not survive? What is the course of the illness what is likely to happen in the future? 

No matter how ill she is you cannot aloe her to mistreat you. Having that as a boundary will help you both. Can you get help to take care of her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cal (Sep 2, 2011)

It isn't life threatening, just really affects quality of life. At times it can be debilitating. I just kind of feel stuck as a caregiver for the rest of our days since it is the "right thing" to do.



Catherine602 said:


> Sorry to hear about your wife. Will the dies progress to the point that she will not survive? What is the course of the illness what is likely to happen in the future?
> 
> No matter how ill she is you cannot aloe her to mistreat you. Having that as a boundary will help you both. Can you get help to take care of her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

In sickness and in health....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Practice saying something until you get good at it: "I am here to support you, not to be your emotional punching bag". 

At first she is going to fight you on breaking the pattern. You don't have to fight back - just tell her you will speak with her when she can be respectful and then LEAVE the room and if needed the house. 




cal said:


> It isn't life threatening, just really affects quality of life. At times it can be debilitating. I just kind of feel stuck as a caregiver for the rest of our days since it is the "right thing" to do.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

First and foremost, find a support group for caregivers. What you are feeling is normal and there are people who have walked in your shoes that can give you guidance on how to move forward and how to deal with your situation.

Caregiving is exhausting under the best of circumstances.
Oftentimes, the caretaker ends up sick too because they've neglected to find support & care for themselves.

I would seek out help for yourself first and then take it from there.

Unresolved issues from the past are festering. Is your wife really too fragile to face these with you or are you both using her illness as an excuse to not deal with them?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel for you. I think what you are experiencing is harder than any type of problem on this entire forum. When a spouse looses their health, their ability to BE what they once was (I bet you would take those hard times back in a second) - there is no going back. It is a Grieving process.

Not every spouse can even endure it, and without adequate outside support, emotional support, others in your life to bring joy to your days, doing the "right thing" may lead to severe depression. 

To take care of another, you need to 1st take care of yourself. 

Do look for a support group in your area. And whatever her illness, I am sure you can find specific forum(s) and talk to others who have walked in your shoes. 


Caregiver.com - For caregivers, about caregivers, by caregivers

Amazon.com: A Husband, A Wife, & An Illness: Living Life Beyond Chronic Illness (9780595447268): Dr. William July, Jamey Lacy July: Books


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