# Transparency



## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Does it include TAM?? If I give him access to everything and tell him all I am doing, do I need/should I include TAM? And to what level?

Just the site?

Site and my moniker?

Or all in and give him my password too?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I would tell him I've found a great forum that has given me tons of useful info about marriage. Just see what he says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I would tell him I've found a great forum that has given me tons of useful info about marriage. Just see what he says.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is not asking for transparency, I am offering it, but he is still not wanting to talk to me so I have drafted an email. Way wondering if I would be wise to include the details of TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hiding anything as a wayward isn't a good idea, I'd say to let him know you are on infidelity forum asking for help and if he asks to show him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

You must understand that nothing you say is going to convince you husband of your seriousness to repair your relationship. Coming from a betrayed spouse, know that the hurt your huias and experienced was extremely painful, and for some unbearable. Your actions are what's gonna convince him. 

Right now, expect that he may not want to open up to you. But do the heavy lifting not only for your husband, but for your own personal recovery as well. You have no guarantees if he will come around. But remember, the true meaning of love is doing something for someone with the expectation of reciprocation. But you have to act and not say. There are no guarantees.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I didn't at first but I came here looking for help dealing with my AP still running around inside my head, and that was several months after D Day. I knew that at that point in time my W wouldn't understand and I knew that I was over the affair I just couldn't vacate the OW from inside my head. Once the people here helped me and I got to a better place I realized what a great site this is and started mentioning it in passing to my W. I was (still am) spending a lot of time here and I wanted her to know but I didn't want to say the words, "there's something I need to tell you" because I knew it would stop her heart. So I just kept mentioning it until she asked, she has since joined herself and post occasionally. 

I actually really wanted the transparency. There was a period where she didn't know about it, I wasn't hiding it but I didn't disclose either. I found that I didn't like having something she didn't know - having a secret - I was relieved when she finally logged on and read all my post.

So to answer your question. It depends. How much you need to air things for yourself here unfettered for a while, how much help your spouse needs and if you think this site will provide some, how you feel about having a "secret" again. I will add that I think it really helped my wife to read everything I had posted, she knew everything I said here was totally honest and she says it really helped her to understand where I was emotionally.

Last thing - as the wayward always error on the side of transparency - always!!


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you all I think I have the answers I was looking for  Will have to make up my own mind now  Would be so much easier if he could tell me what he needs me to do. To bad he doesn't know himself


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

My drafted email - thoughts?

"I know you don't want to talk to me right now, but I want you to know I will do ANYTHING to try to make this work. 

I've found a great forum that has given me tons of useful info about marriage.

I want to share everything with you. Here is access to all that I use to communicate with anyone outside the house other than my cell, which you may take and read anytime you like.

My work email you open internet explorer and put address.com in the address bar, user name is ######, and pw is $$$$$$$$$
My facebook access is under my work email [email protected] pw ####### - if you want me to I will get rid of it altogether - I really only use it to talk to sisters and a few friends
My home email [email protected] pw #######

Other than that I've only been using the internet to search for help or how to's

I don't expect nor need a response to this, but I look forward to when you are able/willing to talk again.

Love Your wife"

of course the actual email has the addresses and pws in it lol


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Good for you. Whether he wants it or not.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

That sounds like a great start. You must also include a no contact letter to your affair partner. That is crucial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Marksaysay

I did have that in there offered as well but took it out.

At the beginning of all this and maybe one of the excuses I gave myself for the A, I felt like I didn't know my H, like he never let me in, but through this process I have realized how much I do know him and I just think he would see the offer to do that as either hollow, or a suggestion that I have been in contact with OM up til now, which I have not.

I had "There is also suggetion that I do a letter of No contact, basically it is a letter I write to say I will not ever contact him again, and then YOU send it. I have already verbally told him this and have not been in contact with him since, other than to tell him to stop contacting me when he tried a few weeks after. I would do this if you want, would you want to? "

Should I include it?


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

In my opinion, you don't need to ask him if he wants the no contact letter.

Even if he says he doesn't, deep down, it WILL HELP HIM in moving towards trusting you again.

Ensure your no contact letter is short, and to the point. Don't apologize to the OM for ending it.

Write it out on paper, and give it to your husband with a post it that says "please mail this for me". Make sure it isn't sealed in an envelope so he can read it.


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## Tisme (Sep 16, 2011)

Wow, as a spouse dealing with a cheating spouse... I just want to say good luck and what you're doing is awesome.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Hijo

I decided to include the offer. Just got impatient waiting for an answer. I have been anxious to send that email to him for a while now. Funny thing is I don't even think he has read it yet LOL

If you have suggestions on the no contact letter, or what it should say or can direct me to an example that would be great. I tend not to be very good with words and don't want to say anything more to upset my H.


Tisme

I read your thread and am sorry you are going through the things you are. Thank you for the support. I really am trying to "Do the heavy lifting" as I keep reading here, I just don't know what heavy lifting to do......I really hope that he sees what I do for what it is and not thinking I am just "putting on a show" as he has previously stated.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

He read the email today.......I am so nervous for his reaction. I will not know if he decides to check up on me unless he tells me, and I wont know how he feels about the email even since he wont talk to me. I am praying and it seems it is all I can do


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I was cheated on, so I can actually understand a lot of what your husband is doing, even if it's not healthy. It's difficult to think in the "right" frame of mine after a D-Day. Not condoning it, just saying I get it. 

Good luck to you, and I hope your e-mail gets the response to get things moving in the right direction for you. I'm naturally a little antagonistic towards the "wandering" spouses, but I tip my hat to you. You are really truly trying.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> I was cheated on, so I can actually understand a lot of what your husband is doing, even if it's not healthy. It's difficult to think in the "right" frame of mine after a D-Day. Not condoning it, just saying I get it.
> 
> Good luck to you, and I hope your e-mail gets the response to get things moving in the right direction for you. I'm naturally a little antagonistic towards the "wandering" spouses, but I tip my hat to you. You are really truly trying.


Yes I am, but I don't know if I am having any positive effect  Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am sorry for what you experienced....I wish no one ever had to....wish I could go back and undo what I have done to my wonderful and amazing husband. He totally didn't deserve anything like this. Good luck to you too.

So far no response at all


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GIW, I applaud your efforts and wish you much success.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you all for your support. I am really praying he will come around. I miss him terribly, and to think he is just in the next room.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

SO instead of replying to my email, or checking on anything I gave him access to, he is blocking me out further.

Gone again at 10 oclock, like clockwork.......probably wont be home till 4 am  wait, came back  yay!

What more can I do?

I cook for him, I clean for him, I love him, I open everything up to him, I give him "space", I try to engage him when ever it seems I wont anger/hurt him further.....am I just being a door mat now? 

I am not saing I want to change what I am doing, I feel good about taking care of him, but am I just giving him no reason to talk to me? Right now he has the perfect wife, no need to coddle her with compliments, or worry about spending time with her. Aside from having no sex, he is set.......should I push him to talk?


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Ok so now that I know he did too, shouldn't this transparency thing go both ways???


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