# Long - My Story of shock and Awe



## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Hello. This is my first post. Just want to share my story. I am encouraged by the post's I see here and feel the pain that is felt after an affair/s. This is a long post. I tried to make it readable.

I first want to say that I was not perfect in our marriage. I did not communicate as best as I should. I have said harsh words in an argument. I used to accept a lot of the "issues" with our marriage but realize it takes two.

I sense my marriage is over but I am accepting that outcome. I feel stronger than I ever have. I am currently going to IC to work through my feelings. I also read a lot of great books that have helped me gain perspective. 

I am 30, have two children (7 yrs old boy, 4 yrs old girl), Married for 7 years to a very beautiful woman, and have 12 successful years in the Marine Corps. It has been over a year since my wifes last affair and three years since she confessed to 3 EA/kissing/almost having sex in a truck with my son asleep in the back while on base.

We did not get married under the best conditions per se. She was going to school to become a nurse and we got married sooner than we would of liked due to us getting pregnant. We had dated for roughly 6 months. She mentioned very early in our courtship that "she was going to marry me".lol So we did not get to know each other as much as we should. I figured we were planning on getting married and might as well push it up. It was a beautiful ceremony with a nice honeymoon.

After we got married she stayed about 4 hours away from me to continue her schooling, which I would end up paying for among many other things (a truck she cosigned for an ex Boyfriend). I had thousands of dollars from savings and investments and felt good helping my wife get through school. I always told her it is up to her if she wanted to work or not.

Early in our relationship I struggled with her shift to the Christian faith. I just want to say right here that I don't want this post to turn in to religious dogma. I just want to offer some background on my situation.

I grew up in a baptist household and eventually Pentecostal and lastly a Charismatic "non-denominational" setting. I have always struggled with religion since I was a young child able to ask questions. Long story short, I came to despise the church as a teenager and when I left for the Marine Corps I left all that behind me. I never thought to really investigate religion though....that would come much later. I believed in a literal hell and heaven but I was not ready to settle down and be a full blown Christian early in my Marine Corps career.

When me and my wife met we did not go to church together. We did not pray together. We did not read the Bible. We did not do anything spiritual. We had premarital sex, drank alcohol, enjoyed each other....I guess it was your basic "boy meets girl" scenario. Strong romantic feelings, hormones, infatuation set to full speed 

Right before we left for our honeymoon her father sat us down at the table and said our Marriage would not work without Jesus. I really did not know how to take this statement but I figured I could try. I loved this girl. In the end it was hard for me. I was expected to be the spiritual leader, tithe 10% of our income, and generally ensure I was being head of the household. It all made me uneasy. I remember going to church early in our marriage and struggling to come to grips being thrown into a fundamental non denominational church setting. I tried to do the best I could. I would scolded for not wanting to go to church on Sunday or Wed or Sun night home groups. The same tempo I grew up with I was expected to do now. I would tell my wife that Religion was tough for me. I tried to explain to her how I grew up. It was very strict etc. I was forced to go to church Sun, Sun night, Wed night, revivals that would last weeks. I remember being terrified of "Hell and Brimstone" sermons. It all felt wrong as a young kid/teenager. Back then though I did not have the access to the knowledge I do now. Hell I grew up poor in a trailer in the middle of farmland in central Illinois with 5 other siblings. I was the oldest. 

Early in our marriage once she was done with school I would catch her on Yahoo messenger talking to strange guys with some explicit language. I confronted her about it but it was more or less swept under the rug. I also found emails from an ex boyfriend that were inappropriate. I remember one time going to a party at one of her mothers co workers and she basically left me all night to myself while she ignored me. I told her that night I felt hurt and confused. I could of sworn she was flirting with the guy that owned the house. One time she left me and my son to go two houses down to a party on a Fri night. I did not approve and was very upset. I did not know the people but knew it was a household full of Marines...and I know what drunk Marines are capable of.lol I would learn later that she had made out with someone at this party. Up until this point there was no affairs that I knew about...but I had trust issues from these situations. Something did not feel right. 

Around Dec 2007 I got orders for a 3 year tour on recruiting duty in Detroit. One of the toughest duties in the Marriages. Most people get divorced on recruiting due to a myriad of reasons. All the Marines in my office got a divorce by the time they were done. A few months into my tour, on 14Feb2008, yes on Valentines Day, she wrote me a letter. The letter on the outside said "Do not open until you get home tonight in the driveway". I did not think much of it because we have traded many cards before and today was valentines Day. I got home, shut my car off and began opening the letter. To my horror it was a letter confessing to three separate affairs/Kissing.

1st incident was about four months after our wedding while she was in school. She said she had kissed a random guy from her work. 2nd incident was kissing a Marine at that party I mentioned earlier while I was home watching our son. The last incident, the one that hurt the most involved her meeting a Marine at the pool, trading emails of who knows what, meeting up near base, driving on base to a secluded area with the intent to have sex. While my son was in the back seat of the truck she said they almost had sex. Just typing this has my heart beating a little faster. You can fill in the blanks about what "almost had sex" means. I never really got a good explanation to what that exactly entailed. I just know they made out, she was wearing a skirt and she mentioned that he was ready to enter. 

That night on valentines I was very sad. I was not angry, just sad. I remember walking into the room broken. I felt like all the energy left my body. She was sleeping. I laid on the bed and just cried, and cried. I felt so bad. I did not feel angry though. Looking back now I wish I had. I wish I had the willpower or fortitude to lay my foot down. She was very comforting then and cried a little saying she was sorry. I did not or could not say much...I just cried. She said she wrote the letter because "she wanted to get right with God". Maybe she felt guilty. I can see a "serial cheater" being selfish enough to admit it. I don't think I would of never found out. Regardless it is water over the bridge. What was said was said. Got to move forward.

We never went through counseling for it. I never really talked to anyone about it to include my family or hers. Although I believe she told her mother. Not sure. I was so busy with my new job that I just tried to push those feelings aside. The stress and pressure at my job was immense. There are Combat veterans that end up in the hospital for stressed induced panic attacks. I have seen career Marines just get up and quit. It is stressful. Glad its over:0) 

After the Valentine disaster (lol) I gave my life to Christ fully. More so than I have ever done in my life. I tried to be that "Spiritual leader" that she wanted. Looking back now she was hypocritical to get on me early in our marriage about my faith when she was living a big lie.

Fast forward to Jan 2010. At this point I have less than a year of recruiting. The past two years were very stressful working 6-7 days a week with most days lasting 12-16, 18 hours. In the beginning I wouldn't see my kids Sunday to Sunday. It was all consuming. I guess that is the nature of trying to get young men and women to enlist in a time of war in a hardcore branch. Halfway through my tour due to my good work I was promoted to run a station of four Marines. That was another stress or in itself. I would come home and physically be there but mentally I was drained and stressed beyond belief. I would withdraw when I got home. I am a introvert, I did not know that then, but I just wanted to unwind. I was sick of talking to teachers, kids, parents, counselors, strangers etc. Looking back now I see the duty as character building. I went through some of the toughest challenges in my life.

So, around Jan 2010, one Sat my wife mentioned "do not plan on me and the kids coming back with you to NC". I know we were both going through some tough times but this took me by surprise. I tried to talk but she had her mind made up. She actually seemed happy to an extent. I was upset a little sad. I went to the store to buy a bottle of jack and drink that night. I didn't drink, instead I gave my life back to Christ and started to read the bible(its a trend...I know). I started making changes in my life. I decided to be the Godly man she needs etc.

A few days later as things settled down I start having a gut instinct telling me to look into things. So I put a key logger on the laptop. The next day I checked the logs and screen shots and found what I was suspicious of. She was talking to another man.

This man, I would find out through some investigating was Married with children. He worked with her he was a IT guy. Funny thing a couple of weeks ago one of our laptops that was broke went missing. I asked her where it was and she said "an IT" guy had it. Later I would have to email him to get it back. They had spoke on the hospital phone for over 635 minutes (cell phone records). They had kissed. Seen a movie together. Told each other they loved each other. He joked about his penis in one IM session. Said they were soul mates. My wife telling this other man that he makes her complete. Him saying that she motivated him to become a better man, to leave his wife and continue school. I saw all of this...all of this. My stomach felt like a ton of bricks. Immediately my body went into fight or flight....I could feel the blood rushing through my body as a heavy, tense darkness filled me. The feeling was beyond words as most can attest to. Just seeing those words in front of me hit me hard as hell. Knocked this Marine on his ass.

I confronted her with the evidence and she couldn't deny it. She stated that "God told her" it would be ok to leave me. WTF?! She was in the "Fog" After I found out about the affair I started reading on anything I could about winning my wife back. Of course early in the dilemma I made some amateur mistakes ie. begged, pleaded, cried, begged some more. I remember not eating for days not sleeping for days. Sleeping on the couch. Her wedding rings off. All this time we are thousands of miles away from family so we had to live under the same roof. Those weeks were so hard. Not only was I dealing with the most traumatic event in my life but I had to go to work and work. I did not care anymore when I went to work. Everyone could tell something was off. I talked with a couple close friends of what was going on.

So after a week or so I started to put in place a plan to win my wife back. I did the "180". I gave my life to Christ, I prayed, went to church etc. I acted happy. I exposed the affair. I did not expose to OW. My wife said that was unfair. There were some days I was strong and other days I was weak. I thought the marriage was truly over. Luckily my command sensed something was wrong and put me on 8 days of leave. Boy I was a mess. I am so grateful to the senior Marines at that command that gave me a break.

During this time on leave me and my wife started to slowly work things out. I was a born again hardcore Christian. On feb 15, 2010 she decided to give it another go. I want to say that we never worked on why the affairs happened or my healing. Looking back now I was doing all the work. I was making changes. I was seeking knowledge on how to become a better husband. I quickly suppressed my feelings and put my God glasses on and pretended to be superman. I sought counseling through the church and we went to one session that did not do a lot besides talk about how great god was etc. Back then I was eating it up. I was just happy to have my wife back. As in all my past conversions 4-6 months down the road I would "backslide". I wouldn't pray every night with her. I didn't feel like reading my Bible everyday and some days I did not want to go to church. I remember her always comparing our marriage with her Friends that seemed to be perfect. 

So up until Aug 2010 everything is peachy. I am not so on fire for God but I was trying. I had a beer here and there. I listened to secular music etc. I started to, for the first time in my life seek out information on why I felt the way I did about religion. I started to seek books from Christians that had crisis of faith. I wanted my faith to be strengthened. One day I wondered into the Atheist section after trying to find a CS Lewis book, which I later purchased. I started to read stories of deconverted Christians and immediately had several "Ah ha" moments. For the first time I was taking a honest look at not only the Christian religion but all religions. I started to research early human civilization and pagan religions. I started to learn anything and everything to know the "truth". I am very well versed in the Bible. I have read it once through and can find my way around quite comfortably. I was saved, baptized, raised hands in worship, fasted for 7 days without food, talked in tongues, had very strong spiritual experiences. I have been to revivals that lasted for months on end. I have heard thousands of sermons. Been there done that got the T-shirt.

Around late Sept my wife asked me if I was going to a mens meeting one particular Sat. I said no. She kept asking and I kept saying "I just don't want to go". To tell you the truth I was terrified telling anyone including her about what the thoughts I was having. She kept pushing and I finally gave in and told her I was having some serious doubts about my faith. She started to get hostile with me saying things like "What, you don't believe in the one true God"?!(sarcastic look on her face as if I was stupid) I started explaining to her what I was learning etc. She quickly got upset and said "our marriage is over". Over...again. I was like what just happened? I was thinking, great I should of said nothing. Next I got my whole family and friends treating me like I had a disease. At one point my wife yelled for Satan to leave me.

So, on Oct 9 she left in a uhaul with the kids to move in with her father in Charlotte. I would be getting stationed on the East Coast of NC about 4 hours away from her.

I was pretty confused at the events. Here I have put up with infidelities, lies and now she leaves me because I am having serious doubts about faith. I gave her $12K in cash so she could have some money. I also gave her $1K a month. She burned through $12K in 3 months. 

Around Nov I reconverted because I was missing my wife and kids and figured I can fake it until I make it. As long as I could save my marriage it would be worth it I thought. When she saw the changes in me, being a Godly man, she decided to move back in Dec after Christmas.

In Jan 2011 I went away for 3 weeks to training in another state. During this time I had an eye opening experience. I started to look back on my marriage and see the "trend". Every time she hurt me, cheated on me, lied to me I was always the one to make changes. I would be the one to try to make it work. I never went to counseling over the affairs. We seldom talked about it. It was swept under the rug. If I brought it up it was because I had not forgiven her. I just needed to put my faith in God. Well that was not good enough. I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt. I told her I thought I had made a mistake and that I felt that she did not love me for me. I felt she only loved me if I was a certain way yet I tried to accept her including her affairs because we all make mistakes. All I want was her to say is something along the lines of "I get it, I hurt you so bad, I am so sorry". Instead of her always mentioning how it hurt "her". 

I found myself in a state of limbo. I didn't want to give my whole heart without knowing that she would be there for me in the future until the next best thing came by. In Jan I told her that I was an atheist. I spent a better part of a month agonizing over this decision. After I told her how I felt it was like a burden taken off my chest. She did not take it all too well but she just got done with a "womens conference" and was all motivated so she said I love you no matter what. But as always the "high" from the conference would wear off and life would kick in. We started to have arguments over why I believed the way I did. I tried to keep it cordial but I think she views me as ignorant or not that smart. It is true that I did not graduate high school. I started out with straight A's my first two and half years of HS but that is another story There are many reasons for this but I believe I am an intelligent person. Anyways, I started looking at the future and was worried that either she would leave again, mid life crisis, menopause, cheat etc. We were going to buy a $250K house but I put a stop to that back in Oct. I am afraid of purchasing a house with her. I have told her that. 

Tonight, while I am on the West coast for 7 weeks we had an argument that started with her saying "You don't believe in heaven" in response to something trivial we were talking about. What ensued was a 20 minute conversation about her belief and my disbelief. Sometime during the conversation I stated that I was still hurt over the affairs and I was getting some good help from my therapist for it. She said in a mean cold way "O ya, your so hung up on that" "when are you going to GET OVER IT"? I am sorry, I am trying my best to get over it. I look back now and see that I never properly dealt with it. I cannot even bring up the fact to her that I still hurt sometimes. I think her faith helps her to numb the guilt or for her to ever to truly grasp the pain she caused. I mean Jesus died for her actions. Just get over it. I think I just hit the "anger" stage in the grieving process!

I know I got to pick up and move on but I would love her to say "I know honey tell me about it". What are you dealing with? I don't want to talk to make her feel bad. I just want assurance. I just want to know she doesn't take it lightly. I want to know that she loves me. I want to know, and I know I would have to take a chance that she is committed. That is all.

She hung up and sent a text saying she will separate once she gets some money. I didn't answer it back. I am sad but I am so much stronger than I was years ago and I know that I will be ok. First I need to be the be the best damn father, love myself, and continue to grow. I know I have some tough days ahead of me. I am done trying. It is her turn to show me that she wants me. If she does not then so be it. I will no longer try to be someone I am not in order to be loved and accepted. In my heart I know it is over...but it is still hard to accept.

Thanks for reading. I know it was long.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I feel for you. I am confused though, she is the religious one? Does not sound like it at all. 
Sounds like your wife has done nothing on her part. You should be loved for you, for who you are. Take a step back & see what she does.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Supernova-

Thank you for posting this. I see a bunch of things that I can relate to in my own failed marriage. It's very sad.
As far as your not finishing HS, you are very well spoken and clear. Moreso than many who completed college. The school of hard knocks often provides a great education.

Stay strong, Marine!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

God is not a crutch.

God is not the reason for your marriage failing.

You have a demon for a wife. I said demon because the forums wont let me put ****ing ***** ass ****.

You have been emotionally weak your entire marriage.

Get strong, Cast out the demon, make "God time" into " Your time".


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Wow! What a post Supernova! 

I am a Christian, I believe in a higher being. I know the Lords Prayer off by heart and I know how to behave/expect in a church.
However I do not read the bible and I am not 'religious'.

Reading your post, I'm afraid two very strong messages came through; 1) your wife is truly messed up and 2) religion can really mess you up.
Sorry.

You believe what YOU want to believe...do not be pressured by other people. If you want to accept God into your life completely then do so and be proud of it....If you DON'T want him to be a part of your life then also be proud of it.

If when you get to the Pearly Gates you have lived a 'good, honest' but a 'non believing life'...the Almighty always forgives and you will be let in!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I know you're an atheist but you've acted like a saint.

No person should have to deal with that for a spouse. Do you think she ever really loved you?

The signs are pretty clear to me. 4 months after your wedding and then pretty steady throughout she has taken every opportunity to either cheat on you, leave you, or belittle your spiritual choices.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sorry for all that she has put you through. Although my wife has never cheated, there are some parallels that concern me because it seems like you are being played, in a sense.

My background. I came from a tough past. I had a congressional appointment for the naval academy, but my ankle was really messed up in a fight, so I couldn't get into the service. Met my wife, who was very religious, a fundamentalist. After all of what I went through, I saw her faith as a way of being a better person. I converted and we married.

Before marriage, I had the advantage of good grades, so my college choice put me through a program to determine scholarships. When they said the IQ came to 155, I got a free pass. I only mention this to explain that I later questioned everything. So, my faith is pretty secure because I'm comfortable with what I believe. 

One thing that is still politically correct, and preached by fundamentalists is the role of a husband, which tends to be taken out of context of what was meant. Its strict. You are the leader. If the marriage fails or anything goes wrong, its your fault. Makes for a good deal for the wives. Unfortunately, many aspects of the wife's role in the same bible are no longer politically correct. So, you no longer hear about joint accountability. Never hear about how your wife should be accountable for cheating. She can find it easy to judge you, but the table can't be turned. 

What I'm saying is that you should focus on deciding what you believe, then sticking to it. Believe that your life should make a positive impact on others, and don't let yourself begin to doubt. In my opinion, we were put her to make a difference in practical ways, but not to build bigger and bigger churches. 

If she's not staying true to the marriage covenant that was made between you two, she no longer has the right to to 'instruct' you that a true believer just forgives and moves on. Keep in mind that it started with a covenant, and she promised not to bail on you or be weak in the knees for any other marine who comes along.

Currently, my wife and I have a pretty good marriage. Good intimacy, but she has mental illness issues. The thing that puts me in the same boat as you is that she blames me for her depression, and for anything that happens to our children. She's 100% focused on my walk in the faith, but never once heard a preacher talk about her own self analysis. At the end of the day, we've raised good children, volunteered in numerous areas, grown financially secure, but in her eyes, I am a failure. Not sure I can continue down this path forever, if you get my drift.

Take a real look at yourself. You've served your country with pride, and beat yourself up for your mistakes. You can't keep taking the blame for what she does to you. Both made mistakes. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like you keep thinking that if you get the recipe right, it'll fix her. Down the road, she will be the one who looks back and wonders how she could've screwed up so bad.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm glad to hear you have sought counseling for yourself. You are going to have many issues that you need to work through. I hope that the person that you are seeing has pointed out and made you realize that what is happening in your marriage, and in your head is not your fault.

I think it's perfectly clear your wife is not well. Based on what you have said, she's not "mildly" twisted (like most of us). She is fu*ked in the head. As a result of your exposure to prolonged and VERY SERIOUS mental and emotional abuse your life and your brain are getting toasted.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Halien said:


> Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like you keep thinking that if you get the recipe right, it'll fix her. .


I’m just thinking. Obviously speculating, I don’t know enough to really say for sure but....

Sounds like thats exactly right. Has the therapist you are speaking with pointed this out? Have they suggested that you are exposing yourself to this, and taking responsibility because you have taken on the role of a 'caregiver' ? Perhaps a result of being the oldest child in a broken family, growing up very poor in a trailer park?, and feeling helpless to 'make things right' or 'help' your family as a child? Maybe drove you on the path of civil service (military) to serve your country, where you feel you failed in your 'duty' as a child? 

Again, just thinking out loud, partially because I recoginize that my extreme 'loyalty' to my marriage and wife and unwillingness to accept that it "is what it is" is driven in part because of being exposed to my parents divorcing 5 times during my childhood... Ive been internally driven to 'make my marriage work' and a determination not to give up because of it... I think perhaps I've been blinded to what is happening in my own marriage and been unable to step away from it because of these things... Coming to grips with 'this can't be fixed' has been a battle inside of me that I don't know that I completely understand yet.



Halien said:


> Down the road, she will be the one who looks back and wonders how she could've screwed up so bad.


No, I doubt she will. It will likely always be his fault, or someone else's fault. People like her do not accept responsibility. She has likely cast herself as the 'victim' and will live that role the rest of her life. It's a protective coping mechanism. As long as it's out of her control (god's will in her eyes?) or it's someone else's fault (victimology) she doesn't have to be accountable or responsible so she can divert/deflect... Nothing will ever be her fault.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sorry for all that she has put you through. Although my wife has never cheated, there are some parallels that concern me because it seems like you are being played, in a sense.


I agree. She is playing you. What do YOU want?

It takes TWO to make a marriage work.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

She has NO right to throw God in your face, you did research, and made an intelligent informed decision, SHE is the one with the problem dude. You sound like a good guy who doesn't deserve to be treated in this way. You are correct in saying you need to focus on you and your children, that's all you can do at this point. Take it one day at a time, everything will fall into place.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Waiting for someone to change or do something is just wasting time.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

FWIW, every single aggressively born again, man or woman I've ever met, is a former biker, meth head, drunk, tatted up, trailer trash. Your experience may be different but all I've ever seen is a bunch of double-wide brides switching their back seat on a Harley for membership in the biker gang for Jayzus. Yeah they all profess The Word but it's a BS version of it. They're hooked on being hooked on anything.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> FWIW, every single aggressively born again, man or woman I've ever met, is a former biker, meth head, drunk, tatted up, trailer trash. Your experience may be different but all I've ever seen is a bunch of double-wide brides switching their back seat on a Harley for membership in the biker gang for Jayzus. Yeah they all profess The Word but it's a BS version of it. They're hooked on being hooked on anything.


I always like seeing a post here that makes me laugh.

That was awesome, in a somewhat real way though.

I have seen my share of those people too, but they are not dominant in the faith. They just yell a lot louder. 

Double Wide Brides.. ROFLMAO

you made my day with that one.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOL twotime, that made me laugh too


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Thanks for the replies! I read them all and will answer a few questions.

@Babyheart - The thing with her faith is that she is washed clean by the blood of Jesus. So no matter what she has done she is forgiven. Water off of a ducks back. I do not even go down that road with her. It is like talking to a wall with her attacking my morality. I mentioned to her how I felt early in our relationship that I was being played a fool. Here she was telling me to shape up....and I was trying. Nothing I did was good enough.

I felt very uncomfortable at first praying out loud with her. She liked that so I would try to do my best to do it with her. One night she mentioned "Your prayers always sound the same" as if they were boring. So I would watch what I would say when I would pray. I became self conscious about it and would not want to. Pathetic I know.

She says that because I do not know Hebrew, Greek and a theologian degree that I am ignorant of what the Scriptures says. Ok, serious? Just because billions of people believe in something is true does not make it true. Hell there are billions of Muslims also, in her eyes they are wrong and vice versa.

Since Jan she goes on asking me "what is your purpose"? Well, um, I am in the Marine Corps. Regardless of right or wrong I feel I have played a positive role in someones life. Believe it or not I do not wake up and eat babies while doing the robot on my way to work. I really do strive to mentor my Marines. She constantly thinks that I have no morals. "Where do you get your morals from"....well I sure do not get them all from the Bible.....have you read that thing? If "God" wanted to impart some form of morality he would of added one of the following in one of the two sets of ten commandments in Exodus (yes there are two sets of ten commandments, the ones that people love to fight over at US courthouses are the first set):

"Though shall not put thy brother or sister in slavery"
"Though shall treat everyone with respect no matter what tribe, race, sex, creed they are"
"Though shall treat women equally"
"insert any moral advancement made throughout history" 

I have morals. I am not perfect. If I do something kind for someone I do it without a promise of an award. I have no carrot that directs my actions. Just the other day I gave money to Japan. I did not send prayers....I sent something tangible that would be of use.

@Twotimeloser - Yes, I agree, I have been emotional weak throughout our marriage. I look back on everything I have been through and stand amazed at how I used to think. I know I have some codependent tendencies. Actually reading a good book on that subject this very moment. I used to justify myself putting up with her crap because I had some low self esteem. Not sure why? I have a lot to be grateful for. Good health, finances in check, good career, good family, beautiful children. I definitely take each day one at a time and really appreciate the "now". 

@Jezza - Thanks for the kind words. Look if there is some God, alien, or whatever out there I would hope that he would understand that he created a being with the capacity to think and possibly find some inconsistencies that would make a rational person question it all. Looking at the big picture I cant accept that because I was fortunate to be born in good ol USA and my parents were Christians that I hit the "jackpot". What about the billions of poor souls that by their very location of birth or time in history will be damned to hell. Obviously children will follow their parents footsteps in religious practices more times than not. Honestly I think I would get bored of the biblical heaven after 500 million years. Never really saw it to be that great praising Yahweh for infinity. What a bankrupt religion that a "belief" separates you from eternal punishment. I hear Jeffery Dahmer and Charles Manson will be in heaven since they are born again Christians. In my wifes eyes I am dragging the kids to hell. I do not have an agenda to force any beliefs on them. I am going to teach them to stay in school, not to be afraid to question things. I told my wife that I better not find out that my children are being taught about hell in a way to scare them. I will not tolerate that on a child's mind especially my very own children.

@Halien - I can relate to how you feel about you being successful and yet your wife views you as inept. Just one example is that we have never had financial problems. At age 21 I started to save invest my money. I still do. I have a large sum and proud of it because I am trying to save a bit for my future goals. My wife has always been on a different page with me in regards to saving for our future. Basically why would you save money (Store up treasure on Earth) when this life is but a vapor and you will be in heaven one day. That never sat well with me. I fought the whole 10% tithe kicking and screaming. Let me tell you I was a serious saver/investor. I paid myself first. I budget. There was no way I was going to give close to $1K a month to offering with both of our incomes. Well guess what after a while I gave in. I still have "End of the year offering statements" given near tax season with thousands of dollars given. Not once have I received a dime from church. Not that I needed it but I tried to make her happy....and I justified my actions as helping someone else less fortunate. Meanwhile the preacher is getting a new Cadillac and going on vacations to the Bahamas. 

The 10% tithe taught in some churches is a front out lie. I tried to show her in scriptures that it was a lie. But, as they say, you want to be financially blessed right? Do not hold back from God.

I have spent so much money on her. I have paid $10K on school loans. $8K on a Ford truck she cosigned for a BF before I ever met her. Paid off $8K vehicle loan. Almost had her car repossessed while we were dating so I coughed up the $1.8K to keep them from keeping it. Paid off $3K of Credit card debt she had before I met her. Throughout 7 years of Marriage I have gave about $30K+ to church. She is currently applying for her Bachelors then masters. I have my GED with about 12 college classes done. I want to go to school but damn the deployment tempo is crazy right now. I know money is not everything. I just view it as a tool to achieve goals; retirement, college for children, house etc.

What I accomplish my wife associates it with God. If I get some extra money from going to a temporary training assignment that is Gods blessing. If I get promoted based upon my performance, its God. I feel it takes away from the commitment/sacrifice I put into my life and career when everything good that happens because of my good actions are credited to God. 

Sacrifice? I will tell you a sacrifice its a young man leaving his family, familiar surroundings to go off to a foreign land directed by some politician living comfortably while their children go to the best colleges and then dying. He will not have another day. His children will be fatherless. He will not rise in 3 days and live in eternal bliss. That is a true sacrifice.

What hurts the most, and she will say it flat out is that I am 2nd place. Jesus comes first. 

@Pitifmystomach - My therapist has been a great help. I was explaining her my situation and she could tell I was downplaying my feelings in regards to the affairs. She stopped me mid sentence to say "it was ok to feel that way". I never heard that. It was OK to hurt, to be confused, to have questions. I did not need to suppress it or rationalize it. My first couple of sessions it seemed like we talked not only about my marriage but a lot of different areas. I will be going back in May. It feels good to get navigate these thoughts I have about everything. 

I can see how I would think that if I got everything just right that I could fix her. I see now that I cant change her. The only person that I have control of is me. But yeah, I did that. Like I said earlier I was almost dependent on her. Looking back at my childhood I can see how that has shaped my personality. I never wanted to be viewed as a failure. I felt like I had to take responsibility when it was not my business to. I would consider myself a people pleaser but now that I am aware of that I have been pulling back. Not in a bad way just that I don't take on other peoples problems and try to fix it for them. In the end it is me who resents it and become frustrated. 

@Runslikedog - LOL, that was a good one. The funny thing with my wife is that she comes from somewhat of an affluent background. Father is loaded and her family seems to be non-disfunctional. Kind of odd. Even the divorced spouses get along together at family events and whatnot. It seems like they are perfect. I don't know....maybe my family was somewhat dysfunctional that hers seem perfect. I was not physically abused as a child, no alcoholism, sexual abuse etc, just poor, divorced parents and religious.

I sometimes have had conversations with my wife that leave me asking myself if I am crazy? I don't think I am. But sometimes she says things that just totally throws me off. Maybe that is just the dynamic of Marriage. Most likely poor communication on both of our parts.

To those who asked "what do you want"? I think it is over. I am trying to be honest with myself with deep introspective thought on my situation. There is a voice that wells up inside of me that says "you will not find another". The thought of being alone scares me honestly and I must work on that. When I catch myself doing this I have to remind myself to think positive. First thing is to be content, happy and love myself. Once I do that I will attract those with likewise attributes.

I did not try to contact her today. She hung up on me last night saying she was going to separate. She sent me a few pictures of the kids today. Damn I miss them. I didn't answer her text. 

I will keep you all posted in this thread. Thanks again for the encouragement.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Supernova said:


> @Babyheart - The thing with her faith is that she is washed clean by the blood of Jesus. So no matter what she has done she is forgiven. Water off of a ducks back. I do not even go down that road with her. It is like talking to a wall with her attacking my morality. I mentioned to her how I felt early in our relationship that I was being played a fool. Here she was telling me to shape up....and I was trying. Nothing I did was good enough.


 To not have your deepest hurts acknowledged by the one who plunged the dagger - then USING Jesus & his EASY forgiveness to brush you off, how shallow is this - How Hollow! And for you to not be anywhere near satisfied by this, how insightful. As your therapist taught you , to FEEL and express is GOOD, shows you are alive, " surpressing" only lasts for a season. 

I too have had such thoughts listening to many sermons over the years - Far too much emphasis on the Blood, this forgiveness to cleanse OUR souls-what makes US feel good (many songs written about this, much scripture quoting), but considerably less talk about how to make AMENDS with those we hurt, betrayed, ripped off. It accually IS in the Bible (Matt 5:24) about leaving our gift at the alter & first to be reconciled with our brother. I personally find THIS much more valuable in real life living. 

I sat here & read your whole story, I LIKE YOU ! I can identify with your questioning and coming out of the faith. Been there, done that. I have more PEACE now NOT having all of the answers in comparison to when I was taught ALL of the answers & they WARRED against my mind. 

I would like to ask you a personal question: 

The tongues thing- at that time did you feel it WAS a move of the holy spirit? what compelled you to do this -to utter this language? I ask because at my church years ago, they wanted people to come into a room & they would pray over us & told tongues would come upon us. I can tell you without a doubt, I faked that, I felt really STUPID being there with all these believers doing it & not opening up my mouth & doing something, so I opened my mouth & did jipperish. And guess what - they told me it was GOD ! 

I used to feel these people were better than me cause they had this "gift". 





Supernova said:


> I have morals. I am not perfect. If I do something kind for someone I do it without a promise of an award. I have no carrot that directs my actions. Just the other day I gave money to Japan. I did not send prayers....I sent something tangible that would be of use
> .


Hearty Amen to this ! I have always felt WHAT WE DO, those tangible things that help someone in need, a family, a child, a city, IS far more of service & benefit than a many praying. 



Supernova said:


> Sacrifice? I will tell you a sacrifice its a young man leaving his family, familiar surroundings to go off to a foreign land directed by some politician living comfortably while their children go to the best colleges and then dying. He will not have another day. His children will be fatherless. He will not rise in 3 days and live in eternal bliss. That is a true sacrifice..




I don't know how some of these young men & women do it, I know I don't want too but I also know FREEDOM is NOT FREE! Just thinking about these things , those who have given their lives & limbs, I get tears. I thank you for your honorable service.  

You sound like a very GOOD man, your lack of self -esteem a thing of the past :smthumbup: You show her ! You deserve so much better.


These are 2 amazing books I have on my shelves - given the way you write about your past religious experiences & where you have come today , just thought I might mention them. 

Amazon.com: 2000 Years of Disbelief: Famous People With the Courage to Doubt (9781573920674): James A. Haught: Books

Amazon.com: The Dark Side: How Evangelical Teachings Corrupt Love and Truth (9781411691254): Valerie Tarico: Books


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## Supernova (Mar 23, 2011)

Hello all. Been busy. Having a rough couple of days. Been working 12 on and 12 off 7 days a week. I am 3000 miles away from my kids and I guess you can say I am homesick

After my wife hung up on me last week I went with little contact (to talk to kids from time to time) and tried to stay in a positive mood. Been reading books etc and I still get upset at the thought of us getting a divorce.

Last couple of days we started talking a bit....just text messages. She started to call me everyday for me to talk to my kids yet when I first came here she kept forgetting to give me a call when she had the kids rdy and whatnot (time difference).

Anyways. I told her leading up to me leaving that I was indifferent but leaning toward working things out possibly. That is why I am going through counseling. Now I cant go to counseling for another 6 weeks...which is no big deal.

We got in an argument today. Basically the only person to repair our marriage is "God". This is what I was agonizing about in Jan....that telling her my true feelings on religion would ultimately end it. 

Why is this so damn hard for me?? There has got to be a something wrong with me? I have two wonderful kids and my heart breaks knowing that I will no longer be there all the time. I got another deployment for 7 months in Jan....meanwhile DoD are cutting numbers and increasing tempo. So tired of sacrificing everything I have day in and day out and feeling like I am getting a rough end of a deal.

She says that I only want to be married to her because I am afraid of being alone. I must admit it frightens me. Maybe I am just in a stressful place right now. I don't know what the hell to do. Just going to have to take one day at a time.

SimplyAmorous - I felt awkward doing it. Everyone else was doing it and didn't want to be left out. It is quite easy to do if your in the environment etc. At the same time in the back of my mind I felt awkward. People will tell you to just start talking etc and just let the spirit take over. I can probably sit here and recreate it.

Thanks for the book recommendations.


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