# Moving on after cheating



## confusedGal90 (Feb 27, 2016)

Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. We both failed to communicate with each other properly. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not. 

Are there any success stories??


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## Romango (Feb 20, 2016)

Without knowing any of the details and how willing both of you are in making it work, it's hard to say. There's a good TED talk called 'Why happy couples cheat' which talks about surviving infidelity.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Are you married to this guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

There are success stories. There are few that are here at TAM. The marriage is never the same, but in some cases can be better. Depends on so many factors and each individual. 

Any children?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confusedGal90 said:


> Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. We both failed to communicate with each other properly. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not.
> 
> Are there any success stories??


I know quite a few in real life.

Tell us your story and we can point you in some directions and you can choose.

You had no part in his terrible decision to cheat. Make sure that is clear.

You both harmed your relationship but he alone chose to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

confusedGal90 said:


> Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. *We both failed to communicate with each other properl*y. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not.
> 
> Are there any success stories??


failure to communicate is not valid excuse for cheating.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

confusedGal90 said:


> Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. We both failed to communicate with each other properly. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not.
> 
> Are there any success stories??


Depends on your details. Yes, many marriages continue after cheating. If you are not married, do not rush to get married even if marriage proposal is made in the next six months. :frown2::frown2:

Failure to communicate is no excuse for him to stick his privates between someone else's legs.
@2ntnuf is very right. Your relationship/marriage will never be the same. You will always remember this, even 24 years later if you stay with him. Don't ask me why I know this. :frown2::frown2:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Romango said:


> There's a good TED talk called '*Why happy couples cheat*' which talks about surviving infidelity.


I don't even have to be a former legal eagle to poke holes it 99% of these claims.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

confusedGal90 said:


> Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. We both failed to communicate with each other properly. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not.
> 
> Are there any success stories??


There are many success stories out there and you may get a few here. The question I would ask you is: Are you sure you want to stay with someone who did this to you? It says a lot about him as a human being and his character. Take a long time thinking about if this is worth repairing before you put the effort into it.

My opinion, once this happens, move on; he isn't worth it.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

confusedGal90 said:


> Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. We both failed to communicate with each other properly. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not.
> 
> Are there any success stories??


There are innumerable success stories, which would go unnoticed if you look at the general advice offered here on TAM.

I worked past a former partner's cheating. In the end, the relationship failed because we had different visions and interests. Also, this person wanted to change me into her defined needs by constant threats. The former affairs played no part in my acceptance of her walking away, whatsoever.

Couples often become *stronger* after cheating, than they were before the cheating. If you can look past the event and realize the failures that precipitated the affair, you can see what the relationship needed then and needs now. The worst thing one can do is place 100% blame on the cheater. The blame resides on them for their action, but not for the relationship failures. Both partners have work to do, if the relationship can continue and can continue in a healthy manner.

He has to realize on his own why he chose to spend energy on another, instead of on the primary relationship. You can use this as a catalyst to throw away all of the crap that gave him the excuse to cheat, but also work on making cheating something that can NOT be an option, no matter what happens in the future.

"I am not happy" or "I need more sex" 
Are not valid reasons to support cheating. The reason he cheated was because of a character flaw. He needs to fix this flaw, because there will be moments of discourse in the future of this relationship. These moments can be very temporary if he spends that energy working to the problems WITH you, instead of diverting his energy.

1. If he accepts responsibility and bolsters himself, he will need you to not hold it against him forever.

2. You both need and deserve to always see each other with love, not contempt. This allows a moment to be just a moment, instead of using the fundamental attribution error, and forcing an unsavory mask on each partner, when one mistake or argument erupts.

3. Take your time. Do not make hasty decisions when you are upset and emotional. These issues take time to resolve. Even if the relationship ends, you are well advised to take it slow. If you fail to generate any desire to forgive and forget, then end it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> There are innumerable success stories, which would go unnoticed if you look at the general advice offered here on TAM.
> 
> I worked past a former partner's cheating. In the end, the relationship failed because we had different visions and interests. Also, this person wanted to change me into her defined needs by constant threats. The former affairs played no part in my acceptance of her walking away, whatsoever.
> 
> ...


and if he doesn't and doesn't want to?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> and if he doesn't and doesn't want to?


Then he deserves to lose the marriage.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> and if he doesn't and doesn't want to?


1. He is at significant risk for future cheating.
2. He is at significant risk of a lack of effort and energy put towards building a strong relationship.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

grame said:


> That may be but the relationship had to be very weak in order for the cheating to occur.
> 
> Are you suggesting that those in weak relationships go and cheat because the relationship will be stronger afterwards?
> 
> If not, why not?


Not quite. I appreciate your question, as it highlights some interesting points. 

We can use this as a catalyst to go back to square one and rebuild the relationship on firm ground, but it makes no sense for a couple to "need" any major relationship problem to be that catalyst. We can realize that we are just shy of being "very happy", and work towards this same wonderful result. Only 30% of marriages are "very happy", according to Ty Tashiro. The problem is that many individuals just will not wake up and generate the energy necessary to change, until a disaster occurs. 

What I advise, and what I do in my relationship is:

Take a daily survey in the relationship. In this we focus mainly on scrutinizing our actions. We also evaluate how happy we are with the relational interaction, in general. With this we are constantly maintaining the health of the relationship, as does our vehicle's cruise control. Cruise control makes many adjustments to the vehicles throttle, so as to keep on target with the desired speed. Relationships get in trouble when they press the accelerator pedal down and keep it in place at that level of pressure, which engenders either: less or more speed than desired, even if it averages out. We need to treat *any* deviation as one that needs to be addressed immediately.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

grame said:


> So you are advising that one or both parties cheat in 70% of the marriages so that the necessary change will be generated by the disaster and the marriage will be stronger?


It is never advisable. No disaster is necessary to get to a "very happy" relationship. It is an unfortunate catalyst, but one nevertheless.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

grame said:


> But according to what you quoted, lots of couples will NEVER wake up and fix the problems UNLESS a disaster such as cheating happens.
> 
> Unless you can come up with any other convenient disasters, cheating seems to be the only remedy for all these bad marriages.


This is true, and will stay true if couples don't find other alternatives. This is a statistical fact that you highlighted, and luckily, couples don't have to let statistics define them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

grame said:


> You say that couples are lucky not to let statistics define them? But statistics are simply stating that 70% of couples are not happy, it's an indicator not some sort of guideline to follow.
> 
> What other alternative disasters could 70% of married couples find that would compel them to fix their troubled marriages? You can't invent health issues or natural disasters. I guess they could intentionally spend all their money and end up destitute, that could qualify as a disaster but I can't see that helping the situation much.


Some couples will only use disaster as that catalyst. We have to realize that we can find "being less than very happy" as the catalyst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedGal90 (Feb 27, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> confusedGal90 said:
> 
> 
> > Is there anyone out there who has worked past cheating? My guy cheated on me. We both failed to communicate with each other properly. Lots of things went wrong on both our ends. He cheated, I did not.
> ...




Thank you for your advice. We are not married but have been together for years. We are currently separated but talk every day. I believe he was lacking emotional connection and found it elsewhere unfortunately. I know he should NOT have done this. However, after being separated for a while and having some time to think, I realize where we both went wrong in this relationship. It wasn't JUST a lack in communication. It was a lot of things that contributed to our demise. We have had more meaningful conversations this week than we did in months before. 

I feel like this could make us stronger. I think if I'm willing to forgive him in time and he continues being honest with me we will be ok - possibly better than ever. Most of my friends tell me that cheating is unforgivable but I don't agree. I don't belong that "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying. Maybe I am stupid? I don't know. But I feel like he is worth this chance.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Don't know if you saw this thread. It may be of interest.


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## Romango (Feb 20, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> I don't even have to be a former legal eagle to poke holes it 99% of these claims.


 @ThePheonix Yeah, probably. I've never been in that situation honestly. I tend to think that if somebody cheats they are fully prepared, in that moment, to lose their wife/husband/bf/gf and done it anyway. It's like a big F you basically.

I have seen the talk though and it's pretty good. It's not all about making it work, it talks about what both parties need to possess in order to try. And it makes some interesting points.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

confusedGal90 said:


> Thank you for your advice. We are not married but have been together for years. We are currently separated but talk every day. I believe he was lacking emotional connection and found it elsewhere unfortunately. I know he should NOT have done this. However, after being separated for a while and having some time to think, I realize where we both went wrong in this relationship. It wasn't JUST a lack in communication. It was a lot of things that contributed to our demise. We have had more meaningful conversations this week than we did in months before.
> 
> I feel like this could make us stronger. I think if I'm willing to forgive him in time and he continues being honest with me we will be ok - possibly better than ever. Most of my friends tell me that cheating is unforgivable but I don't agree. I don't belong that "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying. Maybe I am stupid? I don't know. But I feel like he is worth this chance.


Hi confused, I'm a betrayed wife who has reconciled.

Obviously reconciliation is possible, but it's not easy. Its crucially important for your partner to truly dig deep and discover why he felt entitled to cheat on response to relationship problems, rather than coping in a healthy or appropriate manner. You should read around on this website and also pick up the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. That book contains a lot of information about infidelity and great relationship advice.

Best of luck. 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

You said "you know that he should not done this" but what about him ??? 

He was lacking emotional connection - another excuse for him to cheat on you.
You took some blame for his cheating and that is wrong. You never forced him to do it.

Two of you are not married so find yourself a better man.

If you still want to stay with him then be sure he will never do this again. You are going to have his kids and grow old together I guess.

About OW-is she a close friend,co worker ?

What is he doing to repair the damage he caused ? 

Stay strong.


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## confusedGal90 (Feb 27, 2016)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my Lady.
> 
> You said "you know that he should not done this" but what about him ???
> 
> ...


I know it isn't my fault that he cheated. There is no excuse for that action. BUT we both contributed to the demise of the relationship. We were both unhappy. He chose to cheat, I did not. He made a horrible decision. We have been apart for a while and I do believe he is very sorry for what he did. The other woman lives far away, thankfully. 

I know we aren't married but we were together a long time - basically marked without the paperwork. I just feel like we can get past this and be stronger than ever.


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