# Mommy doesnt love Daddy anymore



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

In the mind of this child is all she knows a family to be. Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthday celebrations. 
The 3 of us, our traditions established for almost 10 years now.
All torn away, torn apart, destroyed by the flippant whim of a mentally unstable woman.
We could have overcome the issues in financial imprudence, of the lack of intimacy, the lack of affection, we could have overcome it all, but then came another man she hasnt seen in over 20 years. What was so guarded and withheld and painstakingly drawn from her in the form of "love" was as a giftwrapped present awaiting him.
And to hear our child talk and laugh and go along in life like there is no storm coming to take it all apart.

It was not within my grasp to have to think I would need to tell my wife to watch her spending, nor was it in her to listen.
It was not within my processes to continually suggest that affection and intimacy and care for me as well as our family and future was remotely necessary.
Then, to hear those words, so casually spoken "Why does everything always have to be about YOU" towards me. 
Going on five years without the slightest hint of a desire or interest in me regarding intimacy, and I also get to hear that I am not as patient as she once thought I was.
It is as if busting apart a piece of granite with a sledgehammer, for years working away at it until it finally gives, into smaller pieces, and working away at those until they each give way, utimately to a pile of fine dust on the floor and saying "wow, that wasnt as resiliant as I thought" with much digust and reproach.
But while she was hammering away, I was taking care of my little girl. Being the cartoon watching, cereal eating, lego contructing, positive reinforcing, homework helping, bandaid applicating, tear wiping, laugh inducing, available lap the whole time. 
And with a resentful mind my wife found it so easy, so very easy to sneak around and meet her old flame, her soulmate, her "i didnt sleep with him" lover from twenty years ago, to find some fragment of happiness for herself. Listening to the foul mouthed "friends" be considered such humorous guys, and being regarded as digusting when I make similar lighthearted jokes. 
Listening to how sexy and masculine some fool from any random television show is "Really" the reason it is being watched, while right here, I, myself who dedicated my life to her does completely without. 
Let me look with a positive mind on fifty/fifty visitation with my daughter from here on out, let me consider how "free" that single bedroom apartment will seem, waking up and watching cartoons by myself, and eating cereal. 
Never in my life have I experienced a well so deeply dug within my soul, to deeply dug with bitterness and resentment and anguish, as I attempt to throw tarp after tarp over it to keep the rain out. Ultimately to be chided and humilated with another mans affections towards my wife able to blow her over like a fathers day card proudly displayed on the top of the t.v. set.
Insult to injury. Salt to a fresh wound. How patient I HAVE been, how selfless and longsuffering my heart HAS always been, to only be faulted with not being. Mommy's not "feeling it" honey, so Daddy has to go away. I will see you again, something no child of 9 can possibly fathom. 
It appears my wife was born without a soul. 
The thought of reconciliation being so far from even remote hope, after I have already drowned in the tides, ALREADY drowned. 
So what do I want? What is it that will bring life back into me?

We go to our first counseling session today, and I approach it with less than hope. 
If I could paint her a picture of the results of her "love" towards me these past five years, what would it show? I want her to SEE, to EXPERIENCE, to go through exactly what it is SHE PUT ME THROUGH to its finest thread of extents. 
I want her to Know without a doubt that I was the man I know I was supposed to be in EVERY COUNT, at every fine particle of necessity for this family. What I have sacrificed of myself to such a degree only to be blamed for selfishness and self service.
And then leave her.


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## psionivy (Apr 4, 2011)

I am sorry for your hurt. I am too going through this as we speak with my long term relationship and I have a 9 year old also- she considers him her father. An old highschool flame has gotten in touch with him recently and now I get the I love you but im not in love with you bit- which is a crock... She is not thinking of clear mind right now and all she is seeing is the grass is always greener. It is a good sign she has agreed to counseling and maybe she can been told through a 3rd party the error of her ways because its not going to matter coming from you right now. All I can say is do not and I repet do not beg, plead, get angry ect... Be cool and see what happens


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

That really touched me.  My son is soon to be 9, and his world is crashing apart, yet his father is yet to see it. He is off in his fantasy world claiming to have his kids' concern as number one. He is blatantly lying to all of us and has not had the balls to sit down and tell our son what's going on. All I've told him is that mommy wants to work on the marriage and daddy doesn't. Daddy is making bad grown up choices that he will later regret, but right now just know that this isn't any of our faults. We will be fine. I'm picking up the pieces while he denies his guilt.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm sorry for just ranting there in the original post. I just cant believe how blinding that self centeredness can be for someone who is completely unable to account for themselves, yet be so confident in the fault of others. 
I await the counselor's suggestions that somewhere along the lines, between opening the doors of my home to my wifes mother, since she was evicted from her apartment, to come live with us and get back on her feet, to reaching the point of near bankruptcy trying to compete with my wifes lavish "credit card" party life, and then being blamed for being a wallflower who isnt romantic (after so long without interest from her), awaiting the counselors suggestion that somewhere "I" was not available to my wife emotionally. How I wish there were a camcorder running in our living room for the last ten years. how I wish someone had been there the whole time recording the whole thing. Where there was the undeniable proof that would penetrate my wifes complete absence of honesty with herself. 
I have no defense! Its my word against her complete rewritten history!!! 
Its so hard to think that no matter what is said, or revealed, that deep down in my own mind, knowing my wife was capable of this.
Sure I could of ended things years ago, when I realized she didnt listen. I could have taken the hardline approach and maybe that would have made a difference despite her rejection of such things. The ONLY outcome of that would have been an end to it. Trying for so long to reach her, to reach that core of her that was so closely guarded that she had thrown away the key long ago. 
To find myself once again, after it all, after the great ascension up the mountainside, to reach the pinnacle of it all, and see it be absolutely worth none of the struggle.
The word "hate" seems like a childs term for broccoli. Has what I felt for my wife, ultimately amounted to that, thus removing the value any of the struggle had to it? Look at that guy, chasing his hat down the street..
We had friends that are now considered by my wife "best" friends, that introduced my wife and I fifteen years ago. One had stood there as a bridesmaid in our wedding. This very same one stood there while my wife met this other man at a bar...
the betrayal by them all. the BETRAYAL by them ALL!!!!!
Whats left of me... what good has all my lifes experiences of knowing to be patient and trusting and understanding and having hope and some of what some people would consider the truest forms of love, amounted to? Dare I instill these human traits into my daughter when she too could find herself one day "used" because of them?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Wow, the title says it all. I also have a 9 year old daughter, as well as a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son. Very good post. You are not alone. There are several piles of granite dust here.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I would give my life for my daughter. And I dont think theres a rational parent on this board that doesnt understand that. 
So when it comes to something like this,,,, do we? 
Do we suck it up and "forgive", and hope for the best, when thats no guarantee that I wont find myself at the same point later in life, even older, and less able to entertain that small flicker in the back of all of our minds that says " its not too late to move on " you know, that tiny seemingly selfish glint of freedom from it that appears to slip through our fingers as we "try to work it out", or set up that first counselling session... I basically feel like the only reason I AM trying to work it out is to be there for my daughter. Fairness and self-salvation be damned.. I have no idea what to do.
When you are without a doubt in your mind the sole person that gives the kind of attention, care, and selfless devotion to a child in the family, and know what the removal of that kind of interaction will do to them, it feels like youve done a horrible thing. Leaving them to deal with the constant disappointment of seeking the same thing from the parent that chooses to tell them to go clean their room, in response to their asking them to play with them. Using chores to remove the burdensome bother of a child wanting you to play. I lived my last ten years watching that happen, and stepped in DOUBLETIME, to provide the kind of happiness that child needed that I myself recognized and realized was provided to me in my own. Its as if the entire forum of friends, family, and trusted confidants of my wife's are nowhere to be found. Not ONE would step in for a moment to say, hey, wait a minute, what ARE you doing? Some of them have lived for years VERY expressive of their desire to find someone to love them, yet they stood right there, supporting and encouraging my wife to go and meet this other man.
Listening and believing every lie she told about me, being an angry person. Rest assured my daughter would say otherwise, and how a voice of a nine year old could ring so loud. But here I stand at the crossing, to commit myself to counseling with my wife, or to dump this huge burdensome bag that wore sores in my back for years and run like hell to the freedom. But I cannot just leave my kid. I cannot just leave her to suffer that life.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes, that is a big struggle. The reality is that, as fathers, normally the best we can hope for is joint custody. So, if we leave the marriage, our children will have half of their time with someone that isn't going to dedicate as much to them as we do. I would gladly take a bullet or step in front of a bus for my children. Heck, I am a veteran, so I was willing to take a bullet for people I didn't even know. 

I suffer from the same question. How much do I sacrifice myself for my kids? The question, I guess, isn't how much I'm willing to give. I would give my very last breath. The question is, what is best for my children? I don't believe staying in a ****ty relationship just for the kids helps them at all. 

I don't have any advice. I'm right there with you brother.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I'm with you too, I've spent the last year as a stay at home dad while she moved us around the country chasing her career. The girls are going into their 3rd school in 2 years and she wants to move us back across the country in the fall to leave me because I'm too blue collar! 

I'll be lucky to get them every other weekend as well, even though she keeps choosing her needs over theirs!:scratchhead:


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

That is so sad, in my situation it makes the most sense for me to have primary custody, I would never withhold my children from their father. Here it is every other weekend, and a certain amt of time in summer, I do believe that an afternoon a week is part of it. He doesn't see them alot now because of work, but I figure it's better to see them every night for a bit, and on the weekend afternoons than to have to keep it on a visitation schedule. I don't want to have to trade kids on holidays, we are a family. 
I am thinking of you Shoo.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Man... the kids. Their happiness should always outweigh yours, but when it comes to infidelity- Didn't cheating spouse chose their happiness before their precious children. Why should jilted spouse save face and deal with the betrayal, while biting their lip to such a betrayal. When kids are involved, this person not only cheats on the spouse, but on their kids also... It's the worst betrayal of all because you cheated your whole family.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yes ahhh, I agree, why should they give up all that they know...I would die for my kids, I would still give up my life for my H, I know I am stupid, but it is what it is.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Man... the kids. Their happiness should always outweigh yours, but when it comes to infidelity- Didn't cheating spouse chose their happiness before their precious children. Why should jilted spouse save face and deal with the betrayal, while biting their lip to such a betrayal. When kids are involved, this person not only cheats on the spouse, but on their kids also... It's the worst betrayal of all because you cheated your whole family.


You see, this is exactly why I can't fully commit to R at this point. She cheated on her precious son and his father... I do know, however, that telling my son would be using unfair ammunition. I'll never tell him what happened for as long as he lives..


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

on the other hand 13, when your beautiful son asks someday....if he is age appropriate, why lie? I know he isn't now...but he at some point will have questions, my girls 12 and 13 know, eldest cuz she eavesdropped, and the 12 yr old because she kept badgering me, it didn't feel right to withhold, but my girls are much older than your baby boy, just remember your little pumpkin will have questions someday.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

paramore said:


> on the other hand 13, when your beautiful son asks someday....if he is age appropriate, why lie?


Because it's none of my son's business. She's his mother, but MY wife. If he really wants to know, he can ask his mother... His mom and I will still be close. We'll never argue in front of him. He'll grown up knowing that his mom and dad don't live together, but they sure get along great, lol. That's all that should matter to him...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

this is true 13, I understand that, I never wanted to tell my kids, but since the 13 year old pulled the whole eavesdropping thing, and hinting to the secondborn, I kinda had no choice lol, I was much gentler with my 6 year old....I don't plan on ever telling him either way this works out, unless he is grown and he point blank asks me, or if he asks his sisters if we split, I can't control that, then I will deal with it then.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I guess I really shouldn't be surprised but amazed is probably a better choice of word to describe how eerily similar many of our situations are.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Because it's none of my son's business. She's his mother, but MY wife. If he really wants to know, he can ask his mother... His mom and I will still be close. We'll never argue in front of him. He'll grown up knowing that his mom and dad don't live together, but they sure get along great, lol. That's all that should matter to him...


The destruction of his family is his business.

In time he may want a family of his own, and need to understand what happened.


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