# Is it or isn't it



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I haven't posted much but sure there r a few on here that have felt that gut feeling of he/she is cheating. 

When u go to stay with them for the weekend/ he works six hour from home and he books another hotel room than where he stays all the time. I find phone records where he has called a taxi at 3:44am in the morning. He has only has sex with me once in 5 months. We have been married less than a year!!!

He has a new woman following him on Facebook and states he has no idea who it is. Bull!!!!

I have been giving him the 180 for a week and he has chosen not to call me at all. Few text messages and that's it.

Okay to be honest I have lost 10 pounds in a week and can't go on in the way. I have been through a16 year marriage where my husband did cheat on me, single for 12 years and now n this nightmare. I need really good advice here. I can stand the harsh replies and also the understanding ones.

All he tells me is you knew I didn't talk much when u married me. Not a problem but the rest is. I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down and honesty am driving myself crazy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Those are red flags, though using a different hotel could be him picking a better hotel or a better location for when you visit.

I do that if me wife joins me on a business trip, I'll upgrade to a better hotel room and/or a location that is better for going out.

The taxi that early could be heading back from a night out drinking not a cheating night out.

Definitely red flags, but not guarantees.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

You've got some serious red flags. No sex for 5 months and you've been married less than a year? That speaks volumes to me unless there is something else you haven't mentioned yet.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

He did have some major health problem that I have stood behind him and been there. I can't think of anything in particular that stands out ..... Maybe it's the truck driver life or the fact that he has been married so many times and doesn't take responsibly for any of those marriages ending....ok slap me now and call me f$$$$$$ stupid


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Please ask me question so I can see the big picture. With all that I have said, I am a very responsible smart woman.....with a major brain fart.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I am ready to just give up and call the attorney back and file. He won't talk so I don't know what else to do . I was beat down so far from my first marriage that I can't ever see myself in the same position. But I still am in love with him.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Tomara, this is not a life. You already know what a bad marriage is like, what is the point of doing it again. Regardless his health issues, sex one time in five months is nonsense. I don't know your age, but how much time do you have on the books, to live a mere existence of a shadow of a woman in a relationship that has zero positive rewards. Meaning, sharing, caring, talking and loving why live this way. Less than a year, what happens in five, you will be one PO'd lady. I think you already know what to do, it's the right thing. Go find your happiness, this is "not" it. Good luck to you. I hope I helped. BTW, I was in a 20 year marriage if that helps so I know what you are dealing with.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Cheating or not, sounds like a marriage in trouble. Red Flags for sure. If he won't talk to you about anything, what's the point. Sorry. 

If you really want to stay married to this guy, keep cool and keep spying.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Rottdad42 said:


> Tomara, this is not a life. You already know what a bad marriage is like, what is the point of doing it again. Regardless his health issues, sex one time in five months is nonsense. I don't know your age, but how much time do you have on the books, to live a mere existence of a shadow of a woman in a relationship that has zero positive rewards. Meaning, sharing, caring, talking and loving why live this way. Less than a year, what happens in five, you will be one PO'd lady. I think you already know what to do, it's the right thing. Go find your happiness, this is "not" it. Good luck to you. I hope I helped. BTW, I was in a 20 year marriage if that helps so I know what you are dealing with.



thanks Rottdad42. The meaning, sharing, caring, talking and loving is certainly missing in this relationship. At this point I do not even want to participate in sexual activities because I don't believe he is being faithful to me. My ex left me with an STD which caused me to have a hystorectomy at an early age due to cancer scare. Yeah I know, not a pretty picture and it cost me dearly. That is why I applaude people on here for always suggesting getting tested immediately for STD's when your spouse cheats. IT CAN AND DOES HAPPEN!

I will get my financial papers together this week and go talk with the attorney. He's not going to like what I have in store but then again I haven't liked what he has done to me.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It sounds like you're having a really rough time.

I agree with Shaggy about the hotel - he might well stay in a dive normally and changed so you had somewhere better.

The other stuff sounds like you aren't communicating and, sure, that rings alarm bells but it sounds like there might be more to this?

The new woman on Facebook is ... worrying ... if he doesn't know who it is, why did he accept her "friend" request - it isn't something you can do by accident.

You need to do more digging as that might be the thread that allows you to unpick what is going on - if anything is.

Is he actively turning down your approaches for sex, or might he be sat there wondering why you aren't initiating it?

Keep posting. Your pain comes through in your posts and I really feel for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just how many times has he been married? Have you met any of them?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> Hi,
> 
> It sounds like you're having a really rough time. Very much so
> I agree with Shaggy about the hotel - he might well stay in a dive normally and changed so you had somewhere better. Checked the other hotel and it was about the same as the one we stayed in.
> ...


Shaggy- Married 6 times and now I know why. I have never talked with one of his ex's except his very first marriage and that was superficial.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The guy has been married so many times you are not that important to him. I suspect that he feels it will be a matter of time before you file. This is not much of a marriage. Under the circumstances what are you looking for in M? Whether he is having an A or not I would say that based upon what you have posted you don't have much to lose.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

> 1. The meaning, sharing, caring, talking and loving is certainly missing in this relationship.
> 
> 2. With all that I have said, I am a very responsible smart woman


:scratchhead:

No, you are not a woman as you think.

Because he is silent, you have projected your wishfull thinking as a layer on him.

You need first to acknowledge your erroneous judgement, then seek another man.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This gentleman appears to have no regard whatsoever for marriage. 

To lose one marraige may be regarded as misfortune, but to lose 5 looks like carelessness...

Nothing to save here Tomara. Move on. Better to be alone than with this type of creep.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> No, you are not a woman as you think. Oh but I am, read the words after my statement, Major brain fart. So I am admitting it.
> 
> ...


 I think I have acknowledged my error...The heart and the brain don't allows look at something the same way.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Not trying to rub salt in the wound but if he has been married 6 times that is about as big and as red as a flag can get. 

Move on. He's not treating you right. You deserve much better.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Okay my heart is in my stomach and my mind is whirling like crazy. So how do I go about this divorce thing. Text him since he refuses to talk to me for the last week? I don't want him to come back to my house, yes my house I own, under my name only. Do I say hey, I'll ship your clothes to your Dad's house along with your fishing pole? Oh and the one debt you put me in will be your responsibility to pay for? Because, this will have to addressed in the divorce papers. I can't trust him to pay on the time share and I want alimony to cover only that, done through the courts with an automatic pay deduction. Once he has paid it I will deed it over to him with no problem. He has terrible credit and can't pay a bill on time. I have good credit and don't wish to have it ruined. See, I'm not thinking clearly as I read what I posted. Advice anyone? Remember that I am very upset and if he see's me, he will want to "work" on this. This I do not want to deal with face to face. 

Hey baby it's over and c ya in the after life?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Tomara said:


> He has only has sex with me once in 5 months. We have been married less than a year!!!


He's cheating. You unfortunately picked a bad one. You should be in a honeymoon phase right now sexually. You already know what a long term cheating marriage feels like, so get out NOW while its only been a year and move on.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Tomara said:


> Okay my heart is in my stomach and my mind is whirling like crazy. So how do I go about this divorce thing. Text him since he refuses to talk to me for the last week? I don't want him to come back to my house, yes my house I own, under my name only. Do I say hey, I'll ship your clothes to your Dad's house along with your fishing pole? Oh and the one debt you put me in will be your responsibility to pay for? Because, this will have to addressed in the divorce papers. I can't trust him to pay on the time share and I want alimony to cover only that, done through the courts with an automatic pay deduction. Once he has paid it I will deed it over to him with no problem. He has terrible credit and can't pay a bill on time. I have good credit and don't wish to have it ruined. See, I'm not thinking clearly as I read what I posted. Advice anyone? Remember that I am very upset and if he see's me, he will want to "work" on this. This I do not want to deal with face to face.
> 
> Hey baby it's over and c ya in the after life?


Hi, there isn't a nice way out of this.

You need to know what your options are.

I'm afraid you have to speak to an attorney in the first instance. Find your rights, what his rights might be if he gets difficult and I bet he will.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Speak to an attorney. Get all your account in order and list them.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have already spoken to an attorney and know what I need to do in respect to that area of "clean up". I am asking for advice on how to "say" I want a divorce in a kind, respectful way. Even though he has not been kind and thoughtful to me. 

The lawyer already said if I could prove that he was not responsible money wise he didn't think it would be a problem asking for payment of the loan in the form of alimony. All I have to do is show a credit report.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Tomara said:


> I am asking for advice on how to "say" I want a divorce in a kind, respectful way. Even though he has not been kind and thoughtful to me.


Ummmm :scratchhead: how about ..... Honey, fark off. Hasta la vista :angel3:


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Tomara said:


> I think I have acknowledged my error...The heart and the brain don't allows look at something the same way.


Yes, you see your error, but I thought you see not the cause.

His not speaking much led you to believe things that your own brain formulated as his character. Then you loved that image. But it was not him, but your fantasy.

So the point is your should not do that anymore, judge on the basis of facts, actions.

Listen and see more careful the next time.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You don't speak to him at ALL!! He will KNOW you want a divorce when he is served. Best Way.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Yes, you see your error, but I thought you see not the cause.
> 
> His not speaking much led you to believe things that your own brain formulated as his character. Then you loved that image. But it was not him, but your fantasy.
> 
> ...



:wtf:


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Tomara said:


> *He has only has sex with me once in 5 months. We have been married less than a year!!!*
> This sums it up really.
> 
> *I can stand the harsh replies* and also the understanding ones.
> ...


The biggest problem is right now you don't see these items of no sex and no talking as 'not a problem'.

Start thinking about why that is...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tomara said:


> Okay my heart is in my stomach and my mind is whirling like crazy. So how do I go about this divorce thing. Text him since he refuses to talk to me for the last week? I don't want him to come back to my house, yes my house I own, under my name only. Do I say hey, I'll ship your clothes to your Dad's house along with your fishing pole? Oh and the one debt you put me in will be your responsibility to pay for? Because, this will have to addressed in the divorce papers. I can't trust him to pay on the time share and I want alimony to cover only that, done through the courts with an automatic pay deduction. Once he has paid it I will deed it over to him with no problem. He has terrible credit and can't pay a bill on time. I have good credit and don't wish to have it ruined. See, I'm not thinking clearly as I read what I posted. Advice anyone? Remember that I am very upset and if he see's me, he will want to "work" on this. This I do not want to deal with face to face.
> 
> Hey baby it's over and c ya in the after life?


You have tried to talk to him already. He refuses to talk. So just have him served with the divorce papers. 

Ship his things to his father’s house. Tell him not to come by your place anymore.

You let him put a time-share in your name? Why not get out of the time share? Call them up. They might release you from the debt. Find a way to sell it otherwise. Did he do this with his other wives? Did he have them take out debt to get assets for himself? Try as hard as you can end any legal/financial connection you have with this guy.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The biggest problem is right now you don't see these items of no sex and no talking as 'not a problem'.
> 
> Start thinking about why that is...


I would prefer you not post, you are not being nice. I am having a hard enough time with this whole thing to come on here have to deal with you negative posts.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Tomara said:


> I would prefer you not post, you are not being nice. I am having a hard enough time with this whole thing to come on here have to deal with you negative posts.


I think I pointed out the errors in your reasoning. 

If you don't correct these you can't get a good view on what to do next.

Sorry if you experience that as being not nice. That is not my intention.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Just file and have him served. You don't have to tell him anything. If he's been divorced 5x already he knows the drill.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Tomara. My heart is breaking for you. What I read in this is that you want to love. You want to be loved. You want these things so badly that you are settling for less than anyone ever should. 

What is love to you? Are you getting it, or just giving it?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Tomara. My heart is breaking for you. What I read in this is that you want to love. You want to be loved. You want these things so badly that you are settling for less than anyone ever should.
> 
> What is love to you? Are you getting it, or just giving it?


Love for me is compassion, friendship, love, allows thinking more of the other person before yourself (think I am going to revisit the last item) oh and lots of hot monkey sex lol. No I wasn't getting anything from hubby. I am looking to the future at this point and is does not include H.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tomara said:


> Okay my heart is in my stomach and my mind is whirling like crazy. So how do I go about this divorce thing. Text him since he refuses to talk to me for the last week? I don't want him to come back to my house, yes my house I own, under my name only. Do I say hey, I'll ship your clothes to your Dad's house along with your fishing pole? Oh and the one debt you put me in will be your responsibility to pay for? Because, this will have to addressed in the divorce papers. I can't trust him to pay on the time share and I want alimony to cover only that, done through the courts with an automatic pay deduction. Once he has paid it I will deed it over to him with no problem. He has terrible credit and can't pay a bill on time. I have good credit and don't wish to have it ruined. See, I'm not thinking clearly as I read what I posted. Advice anyone? Remember that I am very upset and if he see's me, he will want to "work" on this. This I do not want to deal with face to face.
> 
> Hey baby it's over and c ya in the after life?


Go talk to a lawyer, and get real advice on your specific situation. Lots of people file without negotiating with their spouse first. Might involve a longer legal battle, but it's an option. 

But...the odds of getting alimony/support long enough to pay off a long term debt when you've only been married for a year is pretty slim, at least from what I've seen. Ownership would be transferred to one person or the other, and they'd be responsible for paying for it. The equity in the asset would be taken out of that person's share. If neither party wants (or could afford it on their own), the asset would have to be sold and any equity (or liability) would be split. The point is to separate, not tie the couple together. 

C


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have spoken to my lawyer. Guess I will have to c how things play out. Getting all the paperwork in tomorrow.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What did the lawyer say?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

He thought the judge would rule in my favor for having the monies come directly out of his pay. I have all the proof of his bad credit. I just want to make sure it is paid since I can't get my name off of the loan. It's not a whole big long time before it is paid. Actual spoke with stbx and he said he would take that part of the debt. Will sit back and c how it plays out. The only thing the stbx is paying for is a car that isn't even in his name and insurance. I pay everything that keeps a house going.


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