# PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???



## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

I have been bestfriends with my friend for 18 plus years..we did everything together and lived right next to each other before she got married! I was thrilled for her when she got engaged! Now, she is married and lives 2 hrs away from me! When its her bday or she wants a "girls day" because frankly we all need one sometimes lol i would drive to go see her and stay in the guest bedroom at her house! She never rarely comes here because if she does or tries, her husband gives her a guilt trip as id like to call it and she calls me to tell me that he is whining about it so she just decides to stay at home. RECENTLY being this is her first marriage, she calls me saying he is driving her nuts and we laugh about it lol but she stated she really wanted to have a girls vacay! She called me saying that she had a week of pto from work and gave me the dates she was able to take off and suggested maybe a weekend to vegas, or a 4 day cruise! She was adament for me to look around for us and was overly excited one day when i called her and told her my boss was able to let me off those same days as well and i gave her some information on prices to las vegas in may. She was very happy and said she would talk to her husband about it to inform him and get back with me, so i said great! The next day, she called me and i asked her about it, she said well, he said its going to be way to hot during that time and he told her that she probably wouldnt like it! so she said check on a cruise. (I thought this was odd) meanwhile 2 days later she text me again stating that i needed to get on the ball because she had to let her boss know within reasonable time so i called that day got a awesome quote on a cruise during the time we both could go! Called her and this time she said she was so excited again, we talked about all the things we could do etc and she asked when would the money be due! 45 min later she sent me a text saying that her husband was not thrilled about her going once again. I asked her why? She said that he wasnt thrilled about her going with me. I asked her what that meant? And he should have no reason to ever have a problem.with her going ANYWHERE with me as shes been around me for 18 yrs plus! Now with this being said, throughout their relationship before marriage, anytime she wanted to have one or two days with her friends he would throw a tantum and she would always retract hanging out with us. ( most of the hanging out might i add is just girls watching movies and doing nails at home) lol NOW that they are married its gotten worse. Even on her bday she begged me to come down and i did and he seemed upset she spent the day with me at the mall doing girls things she wanted to do and planned herself but she came home to him and all his family there so it wasnt like she wasnt with him as well. Also he has told her that when she wants to come home to see her parents that she cant be doing that very often because she is a married woman now and she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at home with her husband. She has no family where she now currently lives its all his family. Now, iam not married but ive had my bf for 3 years now. We all started dating at the same time. She has called me also before crying and stating that he tells her shes too independent sometimes and that she needs to start consulting him and being respectful in the fact to ask him for advice for everything. I may be wrong but sometimes i have a feeling that he may be a tad bit controlling by the things he says or in how he acts! The one thing that stuck out at me was that right before they were married one time me and her had a little disagreement for say about 5 minutes and he told me that, "hey just try to get along before the wedding because once we are married i have a say so and can tell her what to do" and ill never forget that! And everytime she wants to make plans to do something with friends he cries and throws guilt trips and she says well he doesnt want me to go he is being a big baby again so i guess ill stay home.. am i wrong to be a little worried about my friend that one day he might exhibit more controlling manners? Im not going to say something to her because if i do i know ill friendship will end BUT at what point can she keep her friendship as well?? I want any comments regarding this and all opinions are welcome! Im wanting advice on this! Please and thank you!!! Help me understand and figure this out if its even something to figure out!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Help!! Friends husband controlling??*

He is her husband. You're not. 

My wife is going nowhere alone with a male friend. Nor do I go out with female friends.

It's called boundaries.

It sounds like she was not ready for marriage. You're not in high school anymore.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

*Re: Help!! Friends husband controlling??*

I have been bestfriends with my friend for 18 plus years..we did everything together and lived right next to each other before she got married! I was thrilled for her when she got engaged! Now, she is married and lives 2 hrs away from me! When its her bday or she wants a "girls day" because frankly we all need one sometimes lol i would drive to go see her and stay in the guest bedroom at her house! 

She never rarely comes here because if she does or tries, her husband gives her a guilt trip as id like to call it and she calls me to tell me that he is whining about it so she just decides to stay at home. RECENTLY being this is her first marriage, she calls me saying he is driving her nuts and we laugh about it lol but she stated she really wanted to have a girls vacay! She called me saying that she had a week of pto from work and gave me the dates she was able to take off and suggested maybe a weekend to vegas, or a 4 day cruise! She was adament for me to look around for us and was overly excited one day when i called her and told her my boss was able to let me off those same days as well and i gave her some information on prices to las vegas in may. 

She was very happy and said she would talk to her husband about it to inform him and get back with me, so i said great! The next day, she called me and i asked her about it, she said well, he said its going to be way too hot during that time and he told her that she probably wouldnt like it! so she said check on a cruise. (I thought this was odd) meanwhile 2 days later she text me again stating that i needed to get on the ball because she had to let her boss know within reasonable time so i called that day got a awesome quote on a cruise during the time we both could go! 

Called her and this time she said she was so excited again, we talked about all the things we could do etc and she asked when would the money be due! 45 min later she sent me a text saying that her husband was not thrilled about her going once again. I asked her why? She said that he wasnt thrilled about her going with me. I asked her what that meant? And he should have no reason to ever have a problem.with her going ANYWHERE with me as shes been around me for 18 yrs plus! 

Now with this being said, throughout their relationship before marriage, anytime she wanted to have one or two days with her friends he would throw a tantum and she would always retract hanging out with us. ( most of the hanging out might i add is just girls watching movies and doing nails at home) lol NOW that they are married its gotten worse. Even on her bday she begged me to come down and i did and he seemed upset she spent the day with me at the mall doing girls things she wanted to do and planned herself but she came home to him and all his family there so it wasnt like she wasnt with him as well. 

Also he has told her that when she wants to come home to see her parents that she cant be doing that very often because she is a married woman now and she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at home with her husband. She has no family where she now currently lives its all his family. Now, iam not married but ive had my bf for 3 years now. We all started dating at the same time. She has called me also before crying and stating that he tells her shes too independent sometimes and that she needs to start consulting him and being respectful in the fact to ask him for advice for everything. I may be wrong but sometimes i have a feeling that he may be a tad bit controlling by the things he says or in how he acts! 

The one thing that stuck out at me was that right before they were married one time me and her had a little disagreement for say about 5 minutes and he told me that, "hey just try to get along before the wedding because once we are married i have a say so and can tell her what to do" and ill never forget that! And everytime she wants to make plans to do something with friends he cries and throws guilt trips and she says well he doesn't want me to go he is being a big baby again so i guess ill stay home.. am i wrong to be a little worried about my friend that one day he might exhibit more controlling manners? Im not going to say something to her because if i do i know ill friendship will end BUT at what point can she keep her friendship as well?? I want any comments regarding this and all opinions are welcome! Im wanting advice on this! Please and thank you!!! Help me understand and figure this out if its even something to figure out!!!

----------------
Paragraphs added so people are more likely to read. It is concerning. A couple of points I will make; you only have her version of events and it might well be that she has just got a bit married and settled and is putting the blame on her husband. Essentially, Marc878 might be spot-on and there is nothing to worry about at all.

There is a second possibility too. There is a type of man (people on here annoy me by referring to them as "nice guys") who flaunt their vulnerability to attract women's emotional attachment and sent the message that their emotional life is paramount above all else. There are also plenty of women who go for this schtick. If that is the case, the marriage might well be long and faithful. These types of ego-maniac men often have very long stable marriages.

Or, thirdly, he really is a controlling bellend. In which case, all you can do is remain her friend and not push it until she needs you as a friend.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree that it's a bit pathetic that he carries on like a pork chop if she wants a girls day, but cruises away and sleepovers are a different thing. She's a married woman - married women don't have sleepovers with their bff's, lol.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Melanieturner1 said:


> I have been bestfriends with my friend for 18 plus years..we did everything together and lived right next to each other before she got married! I was thrilled for her when she got engaged! Now, she is married and lives 2 hrs away from me! When its her bday or she wants a "girls day" because frankly we all need one sometimes lol i would drive to go see her and stay in the guest bedroom at her house! She never rarely comes here because if she does or tries, her husband gives her a guilt trip as id like to call it and she calls me to tell me that he is whining about it so she just decides to stay at home. RECENTLY being this is her first marriage, she calls me saying he is driving her nuts and we laugh about it lol but she stated she really wanted to have a girls vacay! She called me saying that she had a week of pto from work and gave me the dates she was able to take off and suggested maybe a weekend to vegas, or a 4 day cruise! She was adament for me to look around for us and was overly excited one day when i called her and told her my boss was able to let me off those same days as well and i gave her some information on prices to las vegas in may. She was very happy and said she would talk to her husband about it to inform him and get back with me, so i said great! The next day, she called me and i asked her about it, she said well, he said its going to be way to hot during that time and he told her that she probably wouldnt like it! so she said check on a cruise. (I thought this was odd) meanwhile 2 days later she text me again stating that i needed to get on the ball because she had to let her boss know within reasonable time so i called that day got a awesome quote on a cruise during the time we both could go! Called her and this time she said she was so excited again, we talked about all the things we could do etc and she asked when would the money be due! 45 min later she sent me a text saying that her husband was not thrilled about her going once again. I asked her why? She said that he wasnt thrilled about her going with me. I asked her what that meant? And he should have no reason to ever have a problem.with her going ANYWHERE with me as shes been around me for 18 yrs plus! Now with this being said, throughout their relationship before marriage, anytime she wanted to have one or two days with her friends he would throw a tantum and she would always retract hanging out with us. ( most of the hanging out might i add is just girls watching movies and doing nails at home) lol NOW that they are married its gotten worse. Even on her bday she begged me to come down and i did and he seemed upset she spent the day with me at the mall doing girls things she wanted to do and planned herself but she came home to him and all his family there so it wasnt like she wasnt with him as well. Also he has told her that when she wants to come home to see her parents that she cant be doing that very often because she is a married woman now and she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at home with her husband. She has no family where she now currently lives its all his family. Now, iam not married but ive had my bf for 3 years now. We all started dating at the same time. She has called me also before crying and stating that he tells her shes too independent sometimes and that she needs to start consulting him and being respectful in the fact to ask him for advice for everything. I may be wrong but sometimes i have a feeling that he may be a tad bit controlling by the things he says or in how he acts! The one thing that stuck out at me was that right before they were married one time me and her had a little disagreement for say about 5 minutes and he told me that, "hey just try to get along before the wedding because once we are married i have a say so and can tell her what to do" and ill never forget that! And everytime she wants to make plans to do something with friends he cries and throws guilt trips and she says well he doesnt want me to go he is being a big baby again so i guess ill stay home.. am i wrong to be a little worried about my friend that one day he might exhibit more controlling manners? Im not going to say something to her because if i do i know ill friendship will end BUT at what point can she keep her friendship as well?? I want any comments regarding this and all opinions are welcome! Im wanting advice on this! Please and thank you!!! Help me understand and figure this out if its even something to figure out!!!


He sounds a wee bit insecure and controlling. He wants all of her attention, it's all about him. When is the last time you saw her in person? Has she had any silly accidents, like walking into an open door? Fallen down a small set of stairs and broken a wrist or arm? You are seeing the top of the iceberg, look deeper-there may be something more going on here.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

This is one of the main aspects of my writings. Control goes FAR beyond expressed control, but implied as well. So just what is control? Control is using measures to manipulate others to your will. There are a lot of interesting aspects to it, which makes it so difficult to diagnose and difficult to combat. Although, combating it is simple, it just takes a lot of energy to remain composed.

1. He is the victim here. No question about it. I say that tongue in cheek, of course, but it is something that must be said. Who is a victim? A victim is one that feels victimized. To combat this problem (it is a problem) we have to throw out logic, reason and rationality.
2. Emotions are usually used as tools, like a hammer. He feels justified, but there is a lot of selfish undertones that causes him to act on all of this behavior. He puts on an emotional display to get her to back away from her desires.
3. Giving in. If you feed the bad behavior, it only persists. I am not saying to do battle with him.

So what do you do? You validate him verbally. You let him know that:

-I see that you are upset,
-You don't want me to go,
-Why do you feel that way?
-I understand,
-Why shouldn't I go to see my friend?

What you want your friend to do is have him talk. You want her husband to make his emotional game an expressed one. That implies responsibility on his part, something he is avoiding. The more he elaborates, the weaker his position is. It is possible for him to become angry when his game does not work. It is critical that no one gives in to the anger, either.

Your friend then makes it known that she still wants to go. However, there can be no explaining her behavior. It needs no explanation. Her responses need to be quick and to the point (fact only). If she makes a long-winded explanation, she is inviting him to argue with her.

The hard part of all of this is doing it without giving negativity. But that is what makes it more powerful. Sadness and anger are not signs of strength, they are signs of weakness. That is because it weakens the perception that others have of you - especially those that know better. If one can maintain clarity in thought, then they can master any situation.

Hope that helps.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

*Re: Help! Is friends husband controlling?*

Maybe he is controlling but really that THEIR issue. Yes, it effects your friendship and you will have to either learn to work around it or move on. 

I would tell her how you are concerned (in a loving way).....just hear her out. 

There isn't much for you to do other than to be a friend.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He has managed to dominate her completely in this marriage because she lets him. If she stood up for herself, he would either get used to it or get out, either way, that's what should've happened. Instead, she's turned into a child, reliant on hubby's permission to do anything. I bet she is a pathetic shell of the person she used to be, and that's sad.

There's no point in trying to change their dynamic from the outside. You can only support her when she needs support, but in all honesty, I don't think that enabling her is helping her either. If she calls you all excited about a girl's holiday, tell her you're free on these dates and she should organise and make the booking and let you know, because otherwise, she's just wasting your time. Treat her like she is solely accountable for her choices, and solely responsible. Don't let her give you these BS excuses about him stopping her from doing this or that. Be straight up with her when she cancels, tell her she is responsible for her own actions and choices.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your friend needs to grow up and her husband needs to let her have some hours break with friends. It is not appropriate for married women to spend nights away from their husbands to have this "vacay". Vacation time should be spent with the spouse. 

From your post, I sense that you want to continue your closeness to your friend, just like before she got married. This includes planning events that exclude her husband. You need to respect your friend's husband. If you continue to cater to your friend's whining and planning to get away from her husband, you will be viewed as a hostile party. Put boundaries in your friendship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have merged your three threads into this one. You will get better input with only one thread on a topic. Plus, one thread on a topic is a forum rule.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is a controlling, manipulative creepy, dangerous man. We've told you this a gazillion times. 

Leave him. It's the only good advice anyone can give you.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Are you a man or woman?

Kind of confusing?

If you are a man, wth are you doing??????


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Agree.

Sounds like wanting a single life while married.



Marc878 said:


> He is her husband. You're not.
> 
> My wife is going nowhere alone with a male friend. Nor do I go out with female friends.
> 
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My guess it's the latter you describe. Going on cruises sans hubby is not typical.

And my guess is hubby has a problem with OP because things go beyond a girls day of hanging out. 

All the long term couples I know do the vast majority of things together and are a pair. 




frusdil said:


> I agree that it's a bit pathetic that he carries on like a pork chop if she wants a girls day, but cruises away and sleepovers are a different thing. She's a married woman - married women don't have sleepovers with their bff's, lol.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP is called Melanie Turner and wants a girls day out with her best friend and people are wondering if she is a girl ?!?!?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

He is controlling and trying to isolate her. If I were you I would also be concerned. Unfortunately, you can't interfere with their marriage. She has to make her own choices and stand up to him on her own. All you can do is be there for her when things fall apart.


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

May i add.. i havent seen her in a very long time. I seen her one night for her birthday. He does everything with his family etc BUT tells her that she cant go for a weekend to see her own mom and dad that she shouldnt because she is married now. Which i think is weird. If you want yo go see your parents who live 3 hrs away then why cant you! Secondly a girls vacay was HER idea for 4 days and she was all good to go until he stated he doesnt feel comfortable with her going alone... it seems if he cant go he doesnt want her going anywhere..


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> He is her husband. You're not.
> 
> My wife is going nowhere alone with a male friend. Nor do I go out with female friends.
> 
> ...



Iam a girl....so she wouldnt be going anywhere with a MAN... whats wrong with her spending a couple days with her friend? I dont see that wrong part in that. You have to keep your sanity as well.. each couple needs to have SOME time apart and just because you have time apart doesnt mean its bad or doing things wrong.


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

im_tam said:


> Are you a man or woman?
> 
> Kind of confusing?
> 
> If you are a man, wth are you doing??????


 Man hence "melanie"


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

im_tam said:


> Are you a man or woman?
> 
> Kind of confusing?
> 
> If you are a man, wth are you doing??????


Melanie is a girls name sir...


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> My guess it's the latter you describe. Going on cruises sans hubby is not typical.
> 
> And my guess is hubby has a problem with OP because things go beyond a girls day of hanging out.
> 
> ...



Nope never had a issue with him ever. And never goes beyond anything because i have to go to HER house to see her she cant go anywhere else it seems..if i see her i go down one night and then leave. This is about HER wanting to go somewhere for like 3 days and he doesnt want her going only. He goes with his friends and family places without her and he tells her he is scared for her to go alone because she csnt handle herself. Which is awkward. Shes been independent for herself her own life and handles herself perfectly


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

While I think it smart to be alert to the dangers of toxic friends, GNO or BNO and the need for good boundaries, he may be controlling. How is his relationship with her family? Does he look for and encourage for opportunities to spend time with her family? Despite saying all the right things, is he somewhat cold and aloof towards her family ad friends. 

Marriage must allow for self growth of both spouses and the marriage. What is she getting out if the marriage. I urge you to be careful about getting involved into another marriage. But, having said that friends look out for friends. 

Follow this link, spend time on this site
Going ?Gray Rock? with a Narcissist | Narcissist Support. And then get back to us. Side note: using the @ symbol combined with the username sends an alert to them. So @Melanieturner1 (if spelled correctly) should show up as a notification in the bar at the top of the page. I use it often to alert posters to a thread that impress me and they might have a lot to offer the poster. For example @EleGirl. 

Take care


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm going in the opposite direction of everyone here. We don't know the whole story but from what I'm reading you're a bad influence on your MARRIED friend. Life changes. Her husband should be her best friend but you're trying to keep her doing things that singles do. 

I would bet that you're constant bad mouthing of her husband combined with your trying to get her to partake in activities like she's on spring break are causing her to doubt herself. Keep it up. Soon you'll poison her mind enough that she'll want a D. Then you can be back to bar hopping, clubbing or whatever else you think is more important than marriage.


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

My question is who makes up these rules? My grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents have girl vacations. They all go to vegas or etc for like a weekend.. if your marriage is great and theres no trust issues why is it a problem for a girls weekend? Thats obsurb to me. And to leave a note, i never initiated this so call girls weekend she did..but he found ever reason y he didnt want her to go including omg it would be hot there.. lol


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

jsmart said:


> I'm going in the opposite direction of everyone here. We don't know the whole story but from what I'm reading you're a bad influence on your MARRIED friend. Life changes. Her husband should be her best friend but you're trying to keep her doing things that singles do.
> 
> I would bet that you're constant bad mouthing of her husband combined with your trying to get her to partake in activities like she's on spring break are causing her to doubt herself. Keep it up. Soon you'll poison her mind enough that she'll want a D. Then you can be back to bar hopping, clubbing or whatever else you think is more important than marriage.



Once again! I did NOT initiate this girls weekend.. i NEVER do.. i never initiate anything because he wont ever let her do anything. I myself am with someone and he is well aware of that. Thats far from the issue. He tells her that she cant even go see her mom or dad for a weekend because she is married..if i see her i have to drive to her. She can not come.drive to ANY of her friends which would be back at her home town. Soo ill repeat i never initiated this and never have been and from what she tells me, every woman before her was dependent on him, she has never been before him or after and she says he constantly tells her shes too independent and he should ask his advice for everything now..


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

Melanieturner1 said:


> jsmart said:
> 
> 
> > I'm going in the opposite direction of everyone here. We don't know the whole story but from what I'm reading you're a bad influence on your MARRIED friend. Life changes. Her husband should be her best friend but you're trying to keep her doing things that singles do.
> ...



And on top of that.. me and her are very homebody people. We dont do clubs and never have we been to one together before she was single. Our time usually consists of movies, nails, painting, shopping, hair etc. So thats a horrible judgement and its wrong.. so seeing this piece of info.. now conclude something from this. Ive never once EVER spoke on her husband as it is not my place but im also worried about her. She has told me they got into it and he said he should choke the **** out of her and she called me crying saying she was going yo stay at a hotel.. still i didnt speak bad on him just told her to relax and calm down and go revisit it in the morning


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

Melanieturner1 said:


> Melanieturner1 said:
> 
> 
> > jsmart said:
> ...


 @jsmart


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

JohnA said:


> While I think it smart to be alert to the dangers of toxic friends, GNO or BNO and the need for good boundaries, he may be controlling. How is his relationship with her family? Does he look for and encourage for opportunities to spend time with her family? Despite saying all the right things, is he somewhat cold and aloof towards her family ad friends.
> 
> Marriage must allow for self growth of both spouses and the marriage. What is she getting out if the marriage. I urge you to be careful about getting involved into another marriage. But, having said that friends look out for friends.
> 
> ...


 @JOHNA 

Idk how his relationship with them is. Good i suppose? But i know when she had tried to come spend a weekend with her mom or dad he has told her that she cany be doing that all the time because she is married now etc..and that she needs to be sleeping on her bed with her husband


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Melanie, apologies for the hard time you are getting here - ok i knew you were a girl - now back to the matter in hand.

There is a bit of info missing regarding their marriage - but why did she marry him? He sounds controlling and insecure and even selfish. Has he any reason to be insecure ? If not, then how did she not see through this before marrying him ? Was this an arranged marriage ? How did she meet him? 

Also what does he think of you ? Do you have a boyfriend ? Has he met your boyfriend ?

Many reasons for asking these questions. More to come.


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## Melanieturner1 (Mar 31, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Melanie, apologies for the hard time you are getting here
> 
> 
> 
> ...



@manfromlamancha

Well she has always wanted to get married. She thought she never should a the right one would Never come along. They got engaged and 6 months later were married. I feel like she just wanted to be married so bad she jumped on it but im not saying she didn't love him. I knew she does. And yes i do have a bf, 3 years now. We have all hung out multiple times! My bf tells me to just not say anything as he feels he is controlling from what he has seen when we all hangout and what they have talked about as well. She met him online on the app tinder...and he should have no horrible vibe about me i never do anything for him too unless she has given him a reason to think that, and i think maybe when me and her got into a little disagreement as all girls do sometimes im beginning to wonder if she talks bad about me to him and now he has some type of bad vibe about me. But like i said ive never been around him unless its been me and my boyfriend..


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

My apologies for having wrongly assumed you were a man. Very sorry.

Best I think you should do is advice her to join Tam. This way she can get direct first hand advice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Its unfortunate when someone (in particular, a woman) gets married for the sake of marriage. Even with Tinder, you need to spend a decent amount of time getting to know a person before jumping into marriage.

Yes its possible he has got a bad vibe about you, but what is more likely is that she is not allowed to go on "girls only" holidays or nights out in general (even if it was another girl going with her). I suspect he has either been cheated on before or comes from a background where either the men are very controlling of the women in their family (and he wants to live up to this) or the women behave badly when out on their own or both!

She needs to let him see that you and your boyfriend are good people to hang out with by, perhaps, going on joint holidays with you and your boyfriend - this way he gets to see (a) how much in love you are with your boyfriend, and (b) that you really are a nice person that values marriage/relationships etc. And all this in a fun environment that he enjoys.

She also needs to determine where his insecurity comes from although it sounds like she is not very mature herself (in a hurry to get married because the right man might never come along).

In short, they both need work and help. Him to understand that sometimes a spouse needs to hang out with a really good friend in a safe environment (ie. no temptations - because as we all know given the right circumstances EVERYONE is capable of cheating) and also to understand why he feels insecure. Her to understand that she needs to stand up for herself in a safe and gentle manner and also to get down to the reason he behaves this way and to get help for it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

People who feel that "married people shouldn't do XXXXX," when the issue has nothing to do with fidelity, have created "rules" that don't exist for others in the real world. Of course a woman can continue to have friends and do special things with her friends, esp. before children come--that will be a game changer, but even then, everyone should have friends!!

It does not sound like your friend is using her h as an excuse--she's initiating the conversation about trips, etc. 

She is getting herself into a trap by wanting to do things and then being guilted into staying home. This is so unhealthy for the marriage! She should decide--in her own mind--what is reasonable, and then she should stick to her guns. Maybe it is girls' night 1x/week or 2x/year; the point is, it should be up to her, what she needs, not up to him to decide what she needs. In a marriage, each person's needs should be tended--but the "need" for a grown man to have his wife present all the damn time is unhealthy for the marriage, so he should get that "need" worked out with a therapist. An adult wants their partner to grow and flourish, and he's not permitting that. It will strangle the marriage b/c she is very likely to feel burdened by his need, esp. once children are born and he pouts and tries to lay guilt on her b/c she is so busy meeting their needs that she cannot fulfill the endless depth of his. 

Just my 2 cents!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He met her on Tinder and 6 months later married her? Wow, I don't get this generation. To me any woman I meet in that method would be STRICTLY short term material. I must be a dinosaur. I'm curious how old are they, as well as yourself? I'm getting that you're all mid 20s? 

I agree with the others that he must have gotten burned in a past relationship. But your friend really doesn't sound like she's wife material yet. Suggesting Vegas or Cruise trips with the girls tells me she's still thinks or wishes to be like a single girl. I know if a guy came on here complaining that his girl is stopping him from partying with his boys, I'd say the same thing. You're not ready for marriage.


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