# Help for getting rid of the images and movies



## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Like most people, I have been very disturbed by the images of my WS having sex with the affair partner. I didn't actually see it, but I have replayed those movies too and it hurts more than anything.

I wanted to share a few things here to help people with those nightmarish thoughts about the physical acts. If the affair is over and you are trying to rebuild your marriage, this might help you. 

If anyone has other techniques to add, please do.

*It's just sex.*
Tell yourself that it's "just sex." Is sex the most important thing in your life? Almost everyone would say no, unless it's an addiction. Don't put it on a pedestal and give it so much importance. If you are in R, your spouse probably doesn't want to think about it any more than you do. Take comfort in that. 

*It was empty.*
Has your spouse said it was "meaningless" and wasn't real love? Then why should you attach so much meaning to it? If you want to rebuild your marriage, you can make real love with your spouse, and it can beyond anything they ever did with the OW/OM. You have the power to do that because you can put real love into it if you want.
*
It probably disgusts your spouse too!*
They went outside the marriage and got something that is shrouded in shame and negativity to most people. There's nothing sexy or fulfilling about being a cheater, after the fact. That's what they are probably thinking now, especially long after its over. They can join you in their disgust of their actions. It was ugly, wrong, and hurtful. How can you be jealous or give so much importance to something that's so ugly and wrong? Don't give it power over you. It inflicted pain, but that was then and this is now. If it's over, then remind yourself it's over and take away its ability to hurt you anymore. 

*Replace the visions and images with a pile of sh!t that's being cleaned off.*
Think of it this way, your WS basically smeared a pile of sh!t all over themselves. There's nothing sexy about that. You have to look at pieces of it now, but over time, hopefully you will see they have cleaned it off. They probably can't stand the stench or sight of it either because it brought so much pain to you, and it brought remorse, shame and guilt to themselves. Don't smear that sh!t on yourself. You're still clean - you didn't roll around in sh!t - feel good about that. Imagine your spouse cleaning themselves off with many long showers. All of that crap goes right down the drain in your mind. I'm sure your spouse wants to be clean of it too. As you go through R, you can start to get close to a clean spouse if you still want to. The crap can be gone and underneath is a person you can love.

*Face it head-on and detach from it.*
I would only recommend this if you are very strong, and only if the pain of discovering the affair is relatively recent (a few months or less) and you don't know what else you can do. And, most importantly, only do this if your spouse is not doing absolutely everything they can to help with your healing. You might only try this if you are in limbo and waiting to see if your spouse might break out of their fog and truly come back to the marriage. It might go hand in hand with the 180 principle. The method is this: go ahead and play the mind movies and look at the images. Do it for a whole day or two. It will hurt a lot, it's self-inflicted pain really. But it will do two things. First, after you keep seeing it over and over, it will somewhat desensitize you to it. If you spend a lot of time replaying images and movies, pretty soon you'll just be fed up with it and stop, and the pain will be less because you will have reached your limit with it - you've already "been there and done that." The second thing it will do, (and this can be dangerous if your spouse is truly devoted to you now) is you will somewhat detach from your spouse to protect yourself from the pain. It's an emotional detachment from it, that will remove some of the pain from the images. The secret to still staying in the marriage while partially detaching like this, is you can still hold onto the relationship by a string and engage with your spouse day-to-day, superficially maybe, but you'll be detached enough to not experience all the pain of the images. This also gives you a chance to focus on what matters most - yourself. You will gain more independence and have less codependence. Again, this method might work in conjunction with a 180 where your spouse really isn't all there and there's nothing much else you can do about it. If your spouse is doing everything you expect and want, the heavy lifting, don't subject yourself to this technique because you risk detaching completely and might decide to quit before you're ready to make that decision. I almost did that when I detached. But now I'm back in it fully because I left the door open for the marriage during my most difficult times.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri has a good solution: Imagine them in clown suits. He of all people should know, he found a video on the computer of his ex wife banging her OM.


----------



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Thanks for the posting - it could nt have come at a better time . 7 months into R and for some reason ben struggling . . H has always said "it was only sex" - that we make love . . . He never for one instant thought about leaving me . . . he got a thrill from the excitment etc . 
He s been open since D day - giving me all his passwords, putting a GPS on his mobile etc etc. 
I guess sometimes you can t see the woods for the trees so thanx again for helping to put my head back into gear.:smthumbup:


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Excellent thread sirwonder. I also started other threads dealing with the affair images which complements this one, *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*. Here is more good info.



> *Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
> 
> You’ve been cheated on, and you may have a slew of disturbing images invading your every waking thought: horrible affair images of your spouse with the paramour, talking, laughing, getting physical…
> 
> ...


----------



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

I asked m WH how he felt 9 months into R now he was nt lying, sneaking around and having the affair? Thinking he may have said releived or something along those lines . Surprised me when he replied "dirty" - so I guess the OP knows their stuff !


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

For me, it has been and is proving to be very hard.
I am not able to get rid of the images and movies.....
I read so much about this in TAM and in other forums.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Facing and detaching are techniques taught in meditation courses. David Richo discusses this in his book "How to Be an Adult in Relationships." May not make the images go away completely, but you can develop the peace within yourself to look at them and not be as disturbed by them.


----------

