# Would you date and marry someone like this?



## nightsky (Jun 22, 2016)

Hello folks. I thought to post my situation here since it is anonymous, and hear some unbiased opinions.

The person I was dating is kind,sensible, faithful, and claims to be very in love with me. These are his positives.

He is not at all the type I am attracted to, physically, but we had a friendship and I thought, mutual respect.

On the downside, he has a substance addiction, especially to MDMA. It happened 2-3 times that we were supposed to meet to hang out and he would take drugs right before and be too skrwd up to show up. His phone turned off, disappears for a day, then calls me apologizing and promising not to happen again. 

I knew he struggled with this addiction but I thought he was getting much better. This is a very long story made short. 

Yesterday we were supposed to get married. Just at the City Hall. The evening before he tells me he bought MDMA to celebrate. I freaked out because I know he can't help but take it all at once whenever he has it. He promised he would not touch it that night and will wake up in the morning to meet me and our witness at the City Hall. He swore I came first as a priority and would even take a Niquil to help him have a good night sleep.

He did not show up. His phone went right to the answering machine like every time he did this. I knew what was going on, so I went to his house to check up on him. Never in my wildest nightmares I could imagine what I would find.

He opened the door after I repeatedly said who I was. He looked like a little monster. Eyes red, about to jump out of his orbits, he was shaking from all his body and every movement and noise made him literally jump and squeal. He looked like a scared animal not a human. He was havily sweating, and his sweat combined with the drug had a disgusting strong odor. The whole house was stinking.

That moment even the little attraction I ever had for him was gone. So was a lot of respect. I never saw something more unattractive in my life.

I called the ambulance. All the way to the hospital he mumbled how he was sorry, he loves me with all his heart and things like these. I was nauseated just by looking at him and feeling that smell. I almost threw up. He kept telling the nurses I'm his wife, which made me die of shame. I was so embarrassed.

I stayed with him for a few hours to make sure he's all right. He kept saying all the time "I love you" and "I'm sorry", as if it was enough for me to just get over it. I explained to him the marriage is off the cards and that I lost all and any attraction to him. He kept saying "but I love you ! " in response to me not being attracted to him. Which makes me worry about his mental capacity. It seems like the drugs are affecting his brain and his logic.

He told me he would go into rehab FOR ME. I told him he has to do it for himself, for his life, for his health. He kept saying he's doing it for me. Which freaks me out, because he puts the responsabilty for his happiness and health on me. I don't want such a burden ! Like, he doesn't want to do something for himself, me not being there.
He acts like a child crying for his mom, not like a man...

I tried explaining all this to him without success. He kept insisting for me to spend the night at his place and I refused. I badly needed air and space, and being away for the stink and his acting. He then tells me he still has 3 grams of MDMA left at home. That was the moment I gave up. We were at the Emergency Room with him tied at the machines and he talks about the drug he had home. He looked to me as to stay with him and guard him against the urge to taking it. The visit time was over, so I stood up and left.

I sent him a text that I'm going home and it is time for him to take care of himself like a man. Now, the whole thought of him feels bad. 
He doesn't see how his actions completely turned me off. I thought asking for anonymous opinions from random people would help him see the light, so, what do you guys think?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

You know the answer is no. I am not sure why the question was even asked.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MDMA is probably one of the more damaging drugs you can abuse. It does a ton of damage to your brain and wipes out your serotonin levels for a good month after just ONE dose of it. If he is taking it continually he needs to be hospitalized and then put in long term rehab with a good psychiatrist that can manage medications to restore his serotonin levels.

Getting caught with even a small amount of MDMA carries major penalties in the US especially. Get rid of the 3 grams he has remaining. You owe him nothing, him getting clean "for you" won't work. You have every reason to walk away from this person.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No way.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Upon reading your 4th line, the answer is NO!! I don't even know what MDMA is and it's irrelevant any ways. Trust me, run from anyone with an addiction. Run, Run, Run.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

"Would you date and marry someone like this?"

Absolutely not.

I think you already know the answer.

No matter how much he loves you, he loves his drugs more. He's out of control. He can't help it. He needs help.

Until he gets himself cleaned up, I'd give him some tough love. You can be supportive, but don't let him damage your life the way he's damaging his own.


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## nightsky (Jun 22, 2016)

Thank you all. I intend to show him this thread, because yes,at this point, reading what other people have to say may help him see.

I feel like he tries to minimize the importance of his actions. Like, if he says "I'm sorry" 100 times that is enough. 

I don't know if he even loves me, or is his perception of infatuation highlighted by the substance. I am not in love with him, but there was trust and respect between us at the beginning.

Plus I worry about some money that I lent to him to pay his rent during two months that he was unemployed. I hope he has the decency to do the right thing, otherwise I just cut my losses. I feel quite down after the horrible day of yesterday. 

Part of the reasons of my post this is the need to vent. My mother is the only person I can talk to about anything, but she lives far and we haven't spoken yet. The other reason is maybe if he reads other people's thoughts, he may realize he has to change for himself, not for me. And accept my decision to end things with him easier.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Show him this thread? Are you kidding?

You need to put your big girl panties on and tell him that it's the drugs or you, with rehab and monitoring...and then stick to it. The idea that reading this thread will penetrate is wishful thinking at it's most delusional.

You're in love with the rose but neglecting the considerable thorns here. Get some therapy, better to show this thread there.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

My only experience with MDMA was my best friend who did some before a midnight movie, said he couldn't see, fell to the ground and had convulsions. We were in HS and young and didn't take him to the hospital but let him come down. He eventually stopped screwing around with things like this, joined NA, and cleaned up his life. Until he died suddenly at age 47.

Nothing you can do for this guy except enable him, which is a horrible idea. Run, don't walk. I predict he will die young as well, given his attitude toward this.


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## nightsky (Jun 22, 2016)

I can suggest therapy for him, but I don;t know if he will listen. I plan to exit his life, and even the rehab, he wants to do FOR ME. So I have doubts he will follow through committing to therapy and rehab, for himself. Maybe my idea is delusional indeed, but maybe it would give him food for thoughts to start thinking about his life. I am getting out for my own sanity...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He's a junkie. Junkies care only about their next fix. Junkies lie. You know how you can tell when a junkie is lying? Their lips are moving.

You can kiss your money goodbye. You'll never see it again.

Cut him loose.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

nightsky said:


> I can suggest therapy for him, but I don;t know if he will listen. I plan to exit his life, and even the rehab, he wants to do FOR ME. So I have doubts he will follow through committing to therapy and rehab, for himself. Maybe my idea is delusional indeed, but maybe it would give him food for thoughts to start thinking about his life. I am getting out for my own sanity...


You're right on that. If he does this for you, it's not going to work. He has to want to do it for himself and himself only. 

Good for you to get out. Please follow through with that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Run.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> You're right on that. If he does this for you, it's not going to work. He has to want to do it for himself and himself only.



This is not true. 

Often, people will do for others what they cannot do for themselves. The issue isn't who he does this for, it's that he does it.

That doesn't mean you should stay with him, but it does mean that you have leverage.


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## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Please understand if you continue to see this man, you will continue to get exactly what you are getting now. You don't want this!

Are you prepared to live your life this way? He is a drug abuser. His words mean nothing because his focus is on drugs. They will destroy him and you if you don't get away from him. Rehab has a huge failure rate. You dodged a bullet, nice lady.


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## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

frusdil said:


> He's a junkie. Junkies card only about their next fix. Junkies lie. You know how you can tell when a junkie is lying? Their lips are moving.
> 
> You can kiss your money goodbye. You'll never see it again.
> 
> Cut him loose.


A hundred times this!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Unicus said:


> This is not true.
> 
> Often, people will do for others what they cannot do for themselves. The issue isn't who he does this for, it's that he does it.
> 
> That doesn't mean you should stay with him, but it does mean that you have leverage.


I can see your point. In my experience, someone that does it for someone else just ends up resenting that person for it. Or if the person doesn't sacrifice something in return, then the addiction comes back out of spite.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

nightsky said:


> I can suggest therapy for him, but I don;t know if he will listen. I plan to exit his life, and even the rehab, he wants to do FOR ME. So I have doubts he will follow through committing to therapy and rehab, for himself. Maybe my idea is delusional indeed, but maybe it would give him food for thoughts to start thinking about his life. I am getting out for my own sanity...


People here are suggesting therapy for YOU. No person in their right mind would even be second guessing if they should stay with a person like this. Please seek a professional therapist, even if it's just one session.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's an addict. He shouldn't even consider dating ANYONE until he's had AT LEAST 1 year sober.

"Pick up a plate."
:
"Ok."

"Throw the plate on the ground."

"Done."

"Did it break?"

"Yes."

"Now, tell the plate you're sorry."

"I'm sorry."

"Did it go back to the way it was?"

"No."

"Now do you understand?"


He needs to learn that he can say he is sorry until the cows come home, it doesn't fix the damage he causes. Same with "I love you." Not a single word that comes out of his mouth until he has AT LEAST a year sober means anything. Addicts brain chemistry is altered. Their thinking and feelings are altered. Until he's been sober long enough for his brain chemistry to rebalance, whatever he says is to be taken with a grain of salt.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Face it. You didn't want to marry him in the first place. It would be kinder if you just exited his life and have no contact. Get your priorities in order for the type of man you do want to marry. Don't settle.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Upon reading your 4th line, the answer is NO!! I don't even know what MDMA is and it's irrelevant any ways. Trust me, run from anyone with an addiction. Run, Run, Run.


Ecstasy - I had to look it up too. IMO no addict calls it MDMA, just medical professionals or loved ones in denial.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

By your own admission, you are not attracted to him. Why do you hold on so tight??

Let this man go!! He will NOT change until he hits rock bottom. You are not important to him. He might say he loves you, but HE DOES NOT. He is selfish and only cares about him.

Stop enabling him with your "love" 
Gain some self respect and dump this loser.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Do you make this up or just say stuff like this to divert the thread. She has no leverage with a molly addict. None.
> 
> You ever lived with an addict, either drug or alcohol? I suspect not.


Actually, I do know what I'm talking about, and based on a whole lot more than quaint personal experience. You're the one that's distracting.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Unicus said:


> Actually, I do know what I'm talking about, and based on a whole lot more than quaint personal experience. You're the one that's distracting.


Show us your creds because we don't recognize you as the resident expert.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

It was called MDMA or the love drug when I encountered it, and it wasn't illegal at the time. Years ago when I started hearing about ecstasy and someone described the love drug aspect, I put 2 and 2 together. But I had seen a really bad side the first time I encountered it, so I always wondered why we never heard about that.

Anyway, history lesson over, please run.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Unicus said:


> Actually, I do know what I'm talking about, and based on a whole lot more than quaint personal experience. You're the one that's distracting.


So, in other words, unlike OP and several of the posters here you have NOT lived with an addict. 

Are you a professional? Nope.
Maybe a researcher? Nope.
A social worker that has seen hundreds of cases? Nope.
An interweb forum I know more than you? Yep.

When you have lived it and have had to deal with the lying, the hiding of the drugs and alcohol, the passed out incoherent, calling EMS and driving behind the ambulance to the emergency room, then "quaint" personal experience does not seem all that quaint. 

I don't think OP describes her story as "quaint" either.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Not only should you run. You need to see someone as the fact you are even asking this question and were going to marry him might mean you have co-dependency issues.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NO and neither should you!!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

nightsky said:


> Hello folks. I thought to post my situation here since it is anonymous, and hear some unbiased opinions.
> 
> The person I was dating is kind,sensible, faithful, and claims to be very in love with me. These are his positives.
> 
> He is not at all the type I am attracted to, physically, but we had a friendship and I thought, mutual respect.


Even if you forget the drugs all together you still don't have a basis to get married.

You have barely even given reasons for a second date.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I cannot imagine dating a drug addict, so certainly marriage would never even come up with someone like that. 
He may be a wonderful person when he's off drugs, but until he goes through treatment and shows a long history of sobriety, he is not relationship material at all. He wouldn't even make a good friend, let alone a good husband.
Thank God he didn't show up to marry you.


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## Nix2 (Jun 16, 2016)

I would run as fast and as far as I can. Addiction is a waxing and waning type of thing, I know because my brother is an addict. Even with help (rehab, 12 step and related programs, etc) the person will often go through periods of using - which can be absolutely devastating (think affairs, disappearing for days to weeks at a time, losing jobs, jail, associating with drug dealers who will be invited into your home, etc).

Not to mention that there is arguably a genetic link to addiction which would possibly impact any children the two of you might create.

Sorry to be negative but I don't think it is wise for you to continue in this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

nightsky said:


> Thank you all. I intend to show him this thread, because yes,at this point, reading what other people have to say may help him see.
> 
> I feel like he tries to minimize the importance of his actions. Like, if he says "I'm sorry" 100 times that is enough.
> 
> ...


Don't even bother showing him this thread. Just get out and stay out of his life. You will be much better off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have several answers for you.

No.

Hell, no.

Or :wtf: are you thinking??

You need to do this


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You cannot be happy if you don't have standards on how you are treated. 
Do you have any kind of list of what you are looking for in a man?
I've talked to my kids about this subject. In order to find a good man, you have to know what a good man looks like. Make a list of some basics. Your list should include, no drug use, minimal or no alcohol consumption, reliability, etc.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP he will suck you dry of all you have. My uncle is a drug addict and has wasted his entire adult life chasing his next fix. He pawned the diamond out of my grandmothers (his mother) engagement ring for drug money, he pawned the ring my aunt (his sister) was given by her now deceased parents for her 21st birthday, she had to buy it back, he's stolen THOUSANDS of dollars from her, broken into her house, stolen things to sell. He's lived with all of his siblings and been kicked out. He lived with me for a few weeks...I had doubts but gave him a second chance when my dvd player went missing...he told me the dogs pulled it down onto the floor when they were wrestling...I kicked him out a few weeks later when I realised he'd been taking my dogs arthritis medication!!! Stealing it from my handbag to do so - and the thing is, I was SO careful with my bag because I knew I couldn't trust him - that's why I kept the dog's medicine in there to start with. Obviously I wasn't careful enough. Having him carted off by the police was the worst night of my life but I had no choice - I will not have drugs in my home. I'm not totally heartless though, I put him up in a hotel for a couple of nights and found him a rehab place, which of course he screwed up and got kicked out of there too. 

The final straw for me was when he missed my dad's (his brother) funeral because he was high. Dad was the ONLY one of his siblings to stick by him no matter what. And that's how he showed his respect? By missing his funeral? I was done. The last time I saw him I was driving with my husband through the city and saw him going through a bin on the roadside. 

You have no ties to this man. Run like the wind my friend and don't look back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you think he needs you in order to get well, you are wrong. 
I recommend you do some reading on Codependency. The best two books I've found that give an excellent overview are: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-...eywords=codependent+no+more+by+melody+beattie
and 
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Melody
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codep...1&keywords=facing+codependency+by+pia+mellody


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @frusdil You poor thing, your dog's arthritis meds. That tells you all you need to know. You did everything you could . . and more.


Thankyou for saying that  I did try my best but it just wasn't enough. I knew I made the right decision when my brother came and helped me clean out my uncle's room. We thought we'd better check for any more drugs and dispose of them - omg, we had to flip the mattress, check the curtain hems, all the drawers, everywhere, and we found vials and syringes and other drug garbage...I was furious! We disposed of everything but I learnt a very hard lesson from it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.

Dump him immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only times I've seen addicts change is when people stop enabling them and leave them alone, to figure it out for themselves.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

As soon as I got to Substance addiction.. there was no need to read any further.. I'd run , avoiding them like the plague.. 

One can not trust someone with an addiction.. it steals the lifeblood of any relationship...it takes over.. ..if you are a sober woman looking for authentic love & to have it returned to you... this guy is not capable.... he can't even keep his word ... why intentionally invite frustration, empty promises, worry, detox, Lord knows what else into your life... come on.. you are smarter than this..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No!

You gave him plenty of rope....not smoking hemp...but the rope to pull himself out of the hell-hole that he keeps his bed in.

His arms are weaker than his Resolve....and that same Resolve follows two-steps behind the Drug King Pin in his veins. That Dude is his Master. The grey subordinate in his cranium is a Zombie.

Oh, the male Little-Head is one of men's strongest proponents. It hides behind a fly. It bows to no one.....except when King Pin rises up and overshadows the Little Pin. Leaving the little guy, in the dark and lonely.


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