# How to prevent an unhappy marriage?



## Kimberly Horning (Jul 25, 2011)

What happens to the happily married? What do you think the biggest reasons are for people to become unhappy and unsatisfied with their monogamous relationship over time?:scratchhead:


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Kimberly Horning said:


> What do you think the biggest reason for happily married couples to become unhappy after 3, 5, 7 years or longer of marriage?:scratchhead:


Life. There are many things that can make a happy couple go to unhappy. Its hard to say its just one thing or the other. I'm sure its more of a combination of things.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

What causes unhappy marriages?
1) Looking to your spouse to meet ALL your needs instead of realizing that nobody can fill all your voids. You have to fill most of them yourself.
2) Unrealistic expectations about marriage - that it will always be super hot like it was in the beginning, that it doesn't take focus to keep things fresh.
3) Not making sure you remain emotionally connected to your spouse - through shared activities, good conversations, and regular sex.
4) Fighting in a way that is destructive and vengeful instead of focused on problem-solving and seeking understanding of where your spouse is coming from.
5) When a spouse is really unhappy with themselves, they sometimes blame their partner on their unhappiness. That is why living a fulfilling life and liking yourself is key to a good marriage.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> What causes unhappy marriages?
> 1) Looking to your spouse to meet ALL your needs instead of realizing that nobody can fill all your voids. You have to fill most of them yourself.
> 2) Unrealistic expectations about marriage - that it will always be super hot like it was in the beginning, that it doesn't take focus to keep things fresh.
> 3) Not making sure you remain emotionally connected to your spouse - through shared activities, good conversations, and regular sex.
> ...


I agree with this. #5 is particularly relevant to me. One of my wife's complaints was you don't make me happy anymore. That is ultimately the statement of someone who is codependent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Kimberly Horning said:


> What happens to the happily married? What do you think the biggest reasons are for people to become unhappy and unsatisfied with their monogamous relationship over time?:scratchhead:


I honestly think somewhere along the line in this throw-away society we have created, (a lot of) people have forgotten the meaning of commitment.

Our relationships are becoming like everything else - the minute something no longer holds our attention or gives us the buzz we expect of it, we get rid of it. Maybe we'll get a new one, maybe we won't. 

I've spoken to several long-time married folk and their relationships all have a few things in common. One of them being....difficult times within the relationship - times when either one of them could have just given up, walked out. But they didn't, simply because each of the couples I have spoken to were comitted to their comittment. "Love", as many of us know and expect it had very little to do with them staying together through the tough times.

Yet here they are, the dark bits in the past and happy to be together and content with their lives. Go figure.

Happily married? What is that really? Ask most people what being happily married means to them and they will rattle off a list of things they expect it to be - mainly personality traits and behaviours they want their partner to have. 

I'm not quite sure it's ever been a reality for the masses - not like we imagine it anyhow.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> I've spoken to several long-time married folk and their relationships all have a few things in common. One of them being....difficult times within the relationship - times when either one of them could have just given up, walked out. But they didn't, simply because each of the couples I have spoken to were comitted to their comittment. "Love", as many of us know and expect it had very little to do with them staying together through the tough times.


About to celebrate 20 years of marriage and this is true. People who think marriage is always perfect and happy are delusional. lol 

Even though we've had our share of problems I'm told all the time that I have the happiest marriage of anyone they know. Why? Because we are committed to each other and it shows.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

IMO, Unlike during the dating, engagement, and early marriage phases we begin to put other things before our relationship. Career, kids, money, etc. Basically you start taking for granted thatyour spouse will always be there. I think most of the arguing, resentments, and disrespect comes along after we lose focus on each other.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Kobo said:


> IMO, Unlike during the dating, engagement, and early marriage phases we begin to put other things before our relationship. Career, kids, money, etc. Basically you start taking for granted thatyour spouse will always be there. I think most of the arguing, resentments, and disrespect comes along after we lose focus on each other.


Here's the thing though Kobo....these things have to happen - career, kids, daily drearies - it's impossible to stay cocooned in that little world of "loveliness" that we start out with. Life. Goes. On.

And yes, I believe in a true marriage....one with an honest comittment...by two people who can see beyond the delusion of "happy ever after" every single day....that they should take for granted that both will always be there. Because that's what comitting to eachother means. It doesn't mean "oh we'll try to make it work"....it means "we WILL make it work...no matter what it takes". And it takes work. Hard work to make it happen.

Going in to a relationship with that foundation gives each person an amazing sense of security - something that so many marriages/partnerships don't have today. 

Comittment isn't about saying "I do" on the big day....it comes from saying "I will" every...single....day.

(these are the words that were told to me when I spoke with the "happy to be together" couples.)


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Communication..... communication, and more communication! 

All those posts are correct.... there are a ton of things that will affect a marriage, affect one spouse, etc.... but with real, effective communication these issues COULD be dealt with.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> About to celebrate 20 years of marriage and this is true. People who think marriage is always perfect and happy are delusional. lol
> 
> Even though we've had our share of problems I'm told all the time that I have the happiest marriage of anyone they know. Why? Because we are committed to each other and it shows.


Good for you Magnoliagal!! We made it to 18 years...but after about the first five years, there was only one of us comitted to making it work. 

The only reason I stayed and tried to make it work as long as I did was because I made a comittment to be married for better, for worse. It totally broke me to walk away when I did...but it was slowly killing me to stay. Sometimes I guess, not matter how difficult it is, you do have to put yourself first.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> Here's the thing though Kobo....these things have to happen - career, kids, daily drearies - it's impossible to stay cocooned in that little world of "loveliness" that we start out with. Life. Goes. On.
> 
> And yes, I believe in a true marriage....one with an honest comittment...by two people who can see beyond the delusion of "happy ever after" every single day....that they should take for granted that both will always be there. Because that's what comitting to eachother means. It doesn't mean "oh we'll try to make it work"....it means "we WILL make it work...no matter what it takes". And it takes work. Hard work to make it happen.
> 
> ...



Of course all those things happen but if my priorities are correct then I won't continue to fill my career bucket while depleting my relationship bucket. People that take each other for granted don't say "I will" Why would they when they believe the person will be there no matter what. People such as yourself that say "I will" are not taking their spouse for granted. So it's not about staying cocooned in "loveliness" (Don't know how you got that from my post) it's about keeping the focus where it should be.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> What causes unhappy marriages?
> 1) Looking to your spouse to meet ALL your needs instead of realizing that nobody can fill all your voids. You have to fill most of them yourself.
> 2) Unrealistic expectations about marriage - that it will always be super hot like it was in the beginning, that it doesn't take focus to keep things fresh.
> 3) Not making sure you remain emotionally connected to your spouse - through shared activities, good conversations, and regular sex.
> ...


I'm sure there are many things, but after my experiences, this seems like a very true list.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

These are all great posts. I think people become unhappy because they do not communicate their needs to their spouse. They think because their spouse loves them that they will automatically intuit their needs. They speak different love languages, and a man who performs acts of service does not understand that his wife needs affection, touch, and romantic gestures.

Men need to tell their wives that sex is not just a physical need for them, but also an emotional need that keeps them connected to their wife. They need to help her to mature sexually and not give up when they feel rejected by her.


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## BMadoff (Aug 1, 2011)

Never stop laughing (even at each other)


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## Larrelye (Aug 1, 2011)

The biggest issue for me and my husband in the beginning was the way we argued. My relationship could not be better because we sat down and agreed to "Rules of War". 

1. No name calling is first and foremost. We no longer say things like "I can't stand you" or "Well I'll just pack my stuff and go then" because we both know that neither of us are going anywhere and that we certainly don't hate each other.
2. No bringing up things from the past unless it is an ongoing issue.
3. No yelling, slamming doors, or throwing things.
4. Every argument. Settled or not. Ends with an "I love you", a hug and a kiss.

On top of this we are open and honest. If I hurt, I share. I expect the same from him. Everyday we are reminded how lucky we are to be able to share our lives with our best friend.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Larrelye said:


> The biggest issue for me and my husband in the beginning was the way we argued. My relationship could not be better because we sat down and agreed to "Rules of War".
> 
> 1. No name calling is first and foremost. We no longer say things like "I can't stand you" or "Well I'll just pack my stuff and go then" because we both know that neither of us are going anywhere and that we certainly don't hate each other.
> 2. No bringing up things from the past unless it is an ongoing issue.
> ...


Hmmm how to prevent an unhappy marriage???? Don't get married! Sorry! Bad day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

1) During the heat of passion during the courtship period, we ignore and/or minimize the red flags that point to future problems/issues;

2) We minimize any problems because we are "in love" and of course "love" is the cure for all these problems;

and, 

3) We idealize our concept of marriage, our future spouse, and ourselves. We're fed this romance-novel garbage via the media from our infancy. We aren't raised to really understand that marriage is very hard work and it isn't particularly romantic, passionate, or happily-ever-after.

Avoiding the above-mentioned, and living in reality (as in WHAT IS, not WHAT IF) gives us a better shot at a lasting marriage. 

JMO.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wish I knew all this about 6 months ago  Boo.

Guess it's better to learn it now....it is helping


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

How to prevent an unhappy life? Divorce means that a marriage or not?


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

What does it take to have a happy long term marriage? WORK!

My wife and I have been married for 22 years next week. We work at keeping each other happy. It is not about remembering to send flowers on her birthday or offering up sex on his. It's about being your spouses best friend no matter what.

My wife and I did not have a long dating period before we got married, in fact we met on a Friday night, had our first TV date the next night, she moved in a week later and we have been together ever since. We live for each other and stopped living just for ourselves only when we committed to spend the rest of our lives together.

What breaks a marriage up? 

Porn! Come on guys you know it is addictive, you know you wish your sweet wife was naughty like on those pics and vids. Porn may seem like just "fun" but every time you watch it you take just a little bit away from your spouse and you can no longer be as close to her. Now yes I know that women look to but generally not in the same way as most guys. and YES I know couples do too but if men were honest with themselves porn is an outlet that hurts your marriage because it is hard to look at it and then not think differently about your lovely wife. I've been there, I was trapped it almost tore us apart.

Not having good sex. Sex, making love, knocking boots whatever you want to call it is very very important in every marriage. If sex stops there is no longer the same closeness and you will drift apart and that is something that is very hard to get back. Make love to your spouse every day (more than once if you can). Don't make excuses that you are tired or whatever. Your spouse has needs and you will be much closer.

Be open and honest with each other. If something is bothering you, tell your spouse.... get it in the open and deal with it. 

Stop thinking about what your spouse is not doing for you, think about what you are not doing for them (LOL, I sound like JFK). The more you give your spouse then more they should give to you. If not, you have deeper issues.

Just a few things that has helped us keep our marriage fun and happy for 22 years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

BMadoff said:


> Never stop laughing (even at each other)


I like this! One NEEDS a sense of humor- to remain happily married. None of us are perfect if we don't have the ability to downright laugh at the numbskull things we each do sometimes, well that would just be a shame! :rofl: 

Also someone said "Communication, Communication, Communication". Absolutely !

Here is my List:

1. Honest & heartfelt *COMMUNICATION* - Being able to FIGHT and make up in a constructive loving manner, NO silent treatments, no Passive aggressive / unforgiving / resentment building behaviors allowed. Never go to Bed Angry ! The "making up" is the best part. 

Interdependence is the way to GO >>

Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

2. *SEX* -- If one is not getting enough, lacks feeling desired, too much rejection, even though it is less than 10 % of the marraige, it WILL FEEL like 90% of the problems. Noone wants to feel reduced to a ROOM MATE. Never underestimate the role of Sexual intimacy in a marriage. MEN generally NEED alot of this to FEEL loved (blame testosterone)..... and *RESPECT* from their wives. 

And Women need to FEEL Loved , deeply listened too -with MUCH ongoing affection & never forget a little *Romance*.

3. *Finances* - Try to be on the same page here - much stress over DEBT, and poor spending if spouses are not in agreement or one is abusing that freedom to spend. Fighting over $$ destroys many otherwise decent marrages. 

4. *Be BEST FRIENDS*. Hopefully you was when you married, cultivate that, water it , let the sun shine on your friendship daily, tell each other all your secrets, Plan little outings together, away from the kids, TAKE TIME to nurish your relationship -just the 2 of you, ACT YOUNG at heart, no matter your age. Play , flirt, laugh, you are never too old for such enjoyment. 

5. Learn what each others *Love Languages *are - and go out of your way to lavish your spouse in those. Even if they are not yours- you do it cause you love them. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

6. *Be Thankful*, make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about your spouse. Even if you are going through a hard time, do this anyway, it might set you in a better mood, to rise above the ashes, to walk more in love , and verbally affirm them in these areas. Our attitudes have a huge effect on their respones to us. 

7. Keep your body *FIT & healthy *as best you can - as physical attraction is sometimes a fine glue that keeps us HOT for our spouses. Sure we age, but our spouses still want us to take care of ourselvers , be proud to be on our arm - when we go out & about. 

8. *Be Creative *always, come up with little surprises, unexpected gestures to show you care, Be Inquisitive- keep asking questions. We should never tire of learning - even if we THINK we know each other like the back of our hands. 

9. Never forget to Kiss, hug & hold with many "I Love yous" --"I want you's" , "I need you's". Be humble, Open, FUN, engaging, Forgiving and Faithful. 

This question made me think of this thread :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ick-question-about-secret-happy-marriage.html


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Everyone has faults. Pick someone whose faults you can live with.


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## Martina_Mc (Sep 13, 2011)

In order to remain happily married you need to be aware that your relationship will evolve as the two of you get older and go through different changes in life. The way that my husband and I stay happy is that we put each other first, talk about whatever is on our minds and we make sure that we look good for each other. The most important factor however is that we don't pick at each other, we consider ourselves to be on the same team so it's us against the world and not each other. 

Keys to a Healthy Marriage - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com 

I hope this helps


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## leonleon (Sep 15, 2012)

If she lies on her past, do not marry her, and if it is too late, divorce.
She lies to manipulate you, to make you do things you will not do knowing the truth.
If she lies, she manipulates, so she do not love you, she is egoist and unreliable, and you want to marry(or stay with)her?


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