# Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

By looking up, I mean search and view their profile and photos. 

If your answer is no, what if there was prior infidelity in the M? Would your answer be any different?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

Anyone who uses Facebook (or any social media) has to know that anyone can look them up at any time. Anything I don't want anyone, including ex's, to see I keep private. I looked up an old ex a while ago...just curious as to how things were going for him. I know he had some serious health problems about 10 years ago and was just hoping things were better. I got my answer and moved on.

I don't think it's appropriate to keep looking up a more recent ex, especially if infidelity played a factor in the breakup. That's unhealthy and just torturing yourself. Better to make that break and go no contact, which includes not spying on what the ex is doing. 

Better to look to the future, not the past.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

I think it's ok as long you don't try to contact them. If you contact them, that would stalking.

Be mindful of which social media sites lets the profile holder know who's "visisted" and which ones don't.

You should just decide on your own whether you are seeing the whole story on of them on social media ...... who know they may have had that party of century because they knew they were going bank rupt anyway, right ?

Also be honest with yourself as to whether you spend too much time doing it and not getting on with your own life.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If I wanted to see if she was still hot or not I might check her out. If I was trying to fix my bleeding heart then it is the danger zone !!!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

I look at it in terms of what's best for me. 

Am I moving on if I keep checking in on the past?

I think curiosity is normal, but I can get compulsive really quick - and I'm very black and white. 

It's just easier to stay away.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I would think some could just peak in and it would be fine. But the others may hit that friend button and it’s the beginning of the end.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Just for context, it’s my wife who uses FB a lot, not me. I had caught her 3 years ago looking up her ex’s, also, at the same time finding out about her A (which was also with an ex). The whole FB thing is a huge trigger. I just don’t know how much longer I can fight the fight.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

I imagine it depends on why she's looking them up. Simple curiosity as to what they're up to and how they're doing vs pining for them. 

One is okay if it's done once and done and the other indicates a serious problem in your relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I bet my wife has looked up old flames ..... doesn't bother me. Pretty sure its normal. If I had a cheating skank spouse I might be a little concerned.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

Just recently my wife was contacted by and old friend who had just got out of a bad marriage. He wanted to apologize for being such a bad friend and re connect. He has a new girl friend already. His divorce is final end of the week. The reason my wife eneded the friendship with him is they were good friends growing up and had sex once and it in her words was a mistake and then he lied to her about having a std. So she cut him off. I knew about this already along time but was surprised she as willing to reconnect So it can be mixed bag with Facebook.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

There is no absolute answer as to whether this is appropriate or not. This is completely decided by your personal situation. If it triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, then you are well within your rights to ask her to not to do it. You absolutely have to talk to her about your concerns/responses. How she responds to that is a good indication of where you both are. 

My husband cheated on me with his running partner. We've agreed that he will never expose us to that risk again. Zero one-on-one exercising with a member of the opposite sex. Not to be too legalistic, but if he was part of a mixed running group and he once ended up being alone with a woman for an extended period for reasons outside of his control, I'd expect him to tell me about it and take steps to make sure it didn't happen again. He has chosen not to run with any women at all and I am happier with that. But I didn't force that choice on him.

I didn't like it (2 1/2 years from DDay) when he ended up instructing a kids' skiiing lesson group with another woman. We agreed on some ways to manage that, implemented them and moved on. He has made his own decisions (usually well inside what I consider safe) and he lives comfortably within those boundaries. Like I do within mine. But if I feel at all uncomfortable with any of his choices, I let him know. And I expect him to be accommodate my views and preferences as much as he is able. I earned that. 

And frankly, if he had any parallel concerns/responses, I'd expect him to talk to me about them. And I would accommodate them wherever possible. He earned that too.

There is no weakness in reminding the person who hurt you more than you ever thought possible that there are places that they need to tread carefully because it hurts when they don't. People who love each other and are committed to their joint relationship do not knowingly cause each other pain and distrust. But if you haven't told her how her actions make you feel, then this is a very unfair yardstick to use. 

And if you have told her (in a healthy, non-accusatory manner) and she has chosen to to disregard this, then that tells you something too.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



redwingpentagon said:


> Just recently my wife was contacted by and old friend who had just got out of a bad marriage. He wanted to apologize for being such a bad friend and re connect. He has a new girl friend already. His divorce is final end of the week. The reason my wife eneded the friendship with him is they were good friends growing up and had sex once and it in her words was a mistake and then he lied to her about having a std. So she cut him off. I knew about this already along time but was surprised she as willing to reconnect So it can be mixed bag with Facebook.


How long ago did this take place? Sometimes the thing we find unforgivable at the time becomes very forgivable many years later. After losing his marriage she may feel he's paid the price for his misdeed. None of us wants to be judged at age 50 for the stupid things we did at age 20. Did he apologize? A sincere apology can make all the difference. If she's been honest with you about it I'd say there isn't much to worry about.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



notmyjamie said:


> How long ago did this take place? Sometimes the thing we find unforgivable at the time becomes very forgivable many years later. After losing his marriage she may feel he's paid the price for his misdeed. None of us wants to be judged at age 50 for the stupid things we did at age 20. Did he apologize? A sincere apology can make all the difference. If she's been honest with you about it I'd say there isn't much to worry about.


Yes he was quite sincere in his text messages and there nothing to worry shout she told me all about it and shared the messages. He just felt like he was a major ass to someone he was very good friends. I can understand that. They were till kids and we all know how that goes


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see any problem looking up exes. I assume anything posted to FB is visible to *anyone*, despite the nominal protections. If I don't wan the world to know, I don't post it. 

On the other side, I think the curiosity is so natural that its unreasonable to expect someone not to check occasionally


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> Just for context, it’s my wife who uses FB a lot, not me. I had caught her 3 years ago looking up her ex’s, also, at the same time finding out about her A (which was also with an ex). The whole FB thing is a huge trigger. I just don’t know how much longer I can fight the fight.


That would absolutely not be okay with me. To me, it would show a lack of boundaries and respect for the spouse. 

If she didn't cheat, especially with an ex, then it'd be different.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



bobert said:


> That would absolutely not be okay with me. To me, it would show a lack of boundaries and respect for the spouse.
> 
> If she didn't cheat, especially with an ex, then it'd be different.


And that's what it comes down to...what the BS needs from their WS. @RebuildingMe if she can't respect what you need in order to keep the relationship and reconciliation going then it might be time to move on to greener pastures.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> Just for context, it’s my wife who uses FB a lot, not me. I had caught her 3 years ago looking up her ex’s, also, at the same time finding out about her A (which was also with an ex). The whole FB thing is a huge trigger. I just don’t know how much longer I can fight the fight.


This is stupid. If someone wants to rescue the marriage they destroyed through cheating, they don't get the same leeway others might.

She obviously is too stupid and not committed to keep a marriage healthy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The past is never at the place, so envisioned.

It is always near, and ever close enough to be tickled back to life.

With it, from within, from without, starting some new, maybe fond memories.

My answer?

No, for me, maybe yes for others.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



SunCMars said:


> The past is never at the place, so envisioned.
> 
> It is always near, and ever close enough to be tickled back to life.
> 
> ...


I like that alot good one!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

RM,

Considering she had an affair in the past with an ex it is very inappropriate!

It also shows that she never recovered or was remorseful and is still in a wayward mindset.

What did you to recover from her affair?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Honestly I now participate in friends, updates now and then, and basic non personal stuff, some grand kid pics only for a locked down few etc. Mostly only HS old friends. Ancient history.

Knowing the whole thing is a set up for too much info to get out to too many people my first concern is limiting and controlling "friends" list and no non selected info sharing. 

That said, if I was so inclined to look for persons for whatever reasons I wouldn't think it an issue unless I noticed I was beginning to obsess on it. Then it would stop, for other deeper reasons, and I'd solve any problems intrw not FB.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Let me close by saying, if I felt I had to investigate her phone, actions, online stuff the trust would be gine and so would i.

It's about the trust.

Trust but verify then be decisive. If have to investigate "things" that ship has sailed.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> RM,
> 
> Considering she had an affair in the past with an ex it is very inappropriate!
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, not much. She claims that is was sexting, photos, etc but never met him in person. I did catch it early on (walked in on her having phone sex but I was told she was looking at porn)and reviewed phone records and it seems only about two months. She didn’t confess until I confronted. She revealed some stuff I didn’t or wouldn’t have known. I used a var afterwards for months and there was nothing more. She went NC the day I confronted. Had I known, I wouldn’t have confronted so soon. She got a new phone, changed her number, email, etc. I still have lingering doubt about her story and whenever I see her on FB, I trigger. It’s getting better through the years. I haven’t caught any other inappropriate behavior since. But we still have lots of other issues, including 8 year old twins. 

A part of me just wants to ban FB altogether, but then I come off as the controlling husband.

Another part of me wants to D, but this would be my second failed M and I’m still not 50 yet.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

]



RebuildingMe said:


> Unfortunately, not much. She claims that is was sexting, photos, etc but never met him in person. I did catch it early on (walked in on her having phone sex but I was told she was looking at porn)and reviewed phone records and it seems only about two months. She didn’t confess until I confronted. She revealed some stuff I didn’t or wouldn’t have known. I used a var afterwards for months and there was nothing more. She went NC the day I confronted. Had I known, I wouldn’t have confronted so soon. She got a new phone, changed her number, email, etc. I still have lingering doubt about her story and whenever I see her on FB, I trigger. It’s getting better through the years. I haven’t caught any other inappropriate behavior since. But we still have lots of other issues, including 8 year old twins.
> 
> A part of me just wants to ban FB altogether, but then I come off as the controlling husband.
> 
> Another part of me wants to D, but this would be my second failed M and I’m still not 50 yet.


Sorry you can't help that 2nd marriage horsepucky, quit absorbing this so smoothly. Sir 

My take is she is reminiscing, of what possibly she could have had, or maybe somewhere with her is living in another life. But is stepping on you, and you think it would be controlling if you are being protective of your marriage. Just don't forget the thing about the seven year itch. I am not saying that is is but, maybe it could be as you have explained your current problems with her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> A part of me just wants to ban FB altogether, but then I come off as the controlling husband.
> 
> Another part of me wants to D, but this would be my second failed M and I’m still not 50 yet.


Oh, golly gee whiz, not the controlling husband again... 

Are you reading what you are writing? You caught her having (at least an emotional, phone sex affair), and you think it would be controlling to BAN FB? Really... 

I guess if she had a physical affair you would not want to BAN her from going on dates with her ex lover either, right? 

Do you see how weak that sounds???


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m ready to ban the entire marriage. The FB thing was put out there to get others POV. If I told her to quit it, she would. Not sure if I want to fight this individual fight, or call it altogether. Saw an attorney two weeks ago. Just came off a three year, $40,000 legal fight with ex wife. Can you imagine 40k and I ‘won’ the case. I need a few months break. No, I’m not weak at all. Been getting ducks in a row for the last three years. The ex wife suit put that on hold.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> I’m ready to ban the entire marriage. The FB thing was put out there to get others POV. If I told her to quit it, she would. Not sure if I want to fight this individual fight, or call it altogether. Saw an attorney two weeks ago. Just came off a three year, $40,000 legal fight with ex wife. Can you imagine 40k and I ‘won’ the case. I need a few months break. No, I’m not weak at all. Been getting ducks in a row for the last three years. The ex wife suit put that on hold.


Ouch. I can see why you need a break. I'm sorry. Take the time you need to regroup. Keeping getting your ducks in a row. In the meantime, tell her you want her off of social media. At least you won't have to worry about that while you bide your time. It might even help things in the marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Eh, if my partner was very into having to look to up what their ex was up to I'd be really unenthused. I'd also imagine if I were in a relationship and my partner became aware I was looking up my exs, he'd wonder why I needed to do that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I told my wife 3 years ago when I discovered her A that the only thing preventing a D was that I was already in court with my ex wife. That just ended last month. So my wife has had a 3 year stay of execution and she squandered it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Looking is OK, contacting is not.

Edit: I just read your subsequent posts. I don’t blame you for feeling that it is a deal breaker.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I may be unique in this regard but I just can’t even fake interest in any of my x’s to include my x wife. These people are no longer a relevant part of my life so I could care less what they are doing.

If my SO looked up her x’s it would be a big deal to me because I can’t understand why someone would do that unless they still had feelings


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Wolf1974 said:


> I may be unique in this regard but I just can’t even fake interest in any of my x’s to include my x wife. These people are no longer a relevant part of my life so I could care less what they are doing.
> 
> If my SO looked up her x’s it would be a big deal to me because I can’t understand why someone would do that unless they still had feelings


In my wife’s case, I think it is more about curiosity and not about feelings. However, she’s proven to have such weak boundaries, so curiosity can turn into feelings rather quickly.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> In my wife’s case, I think it is more about curiosity and not about feelings. However, she’s proven to have such weak boundaries, so curiosity can turn into feelings rather quickly.


I don't think she has weak boundaries, l say it is you with the weak boundaries. And if you want to give your self a break because of court, is just a form of an excuse. Do you think you want to stay with your current wife or are your plans to dump her? And depending on your answer, either prolongs the A or you can stop it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When your spouse has cheated, then I think it is reasonable that they lose the freedom to look up ex's anywhere (facebook or anywhere else in the world).

But if everyone has been faithful, then I don't have an issue. 

I am 55 and am part of my high school Facebook Group. I like that it connects me back to high school. There are posts about holidays, grand children, and about some class members that have past away. This Facebook Group includes a couple of people that I dated in high school. Yes, I have looked at their profiles to see how their lives have gone.

My wife is friends with a couple of ex's from back in the day as well. One is a friend of her bothers and also a friend of her family. I have no problem with them being friends and I think it is natural that she might have looked up how his life has gone.

So the answer is 'it depends'. I think you have every right to limit her contact with others based on her history. Facebook include.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > In my wife’s case, I think it is more about curiosity and not about feelings. However, she’s proven to have such weak boundaries, so curiosity can turn into feelings rather quickly.
> ...


I appreciate the insight, really, so thank you. When I say I need a break, I just finished spending 40k on the legal bill from the ex. I have to regroup and start saving money for the next one. It’s not an excuse. I need 10k for the retainer alone. 

Aside from getting herself into counseling, I don’t see a situation where we don’t end up in D. She claims she “looking” for an IC. She also claims she’s “reading” but I have no idea what. We’ve been radio silence for the last couple of weeks, and I’m fine with that. I’ve also been staying at my brother’s house on the weekends.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

I'm friends with lots of my exes on FB... :laugh:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> By looking up, I mean search and view their profile and photos.
> 
> If your answer is no, what if there was prior infidelity in the M? Would your answer be any different?


*Why?

After I've washed my hands of them, I don't really want to know a damned thing about their worthless lives!*


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## Uriel (Oct 31, 2018)

It's been shared with me by some older and wiser "Marines"..."Don't Look Back". I believe they were telling me if you look back you could catch something in the moment of pause. 

Kinda like big game hunting when the animal bolts...stay glass on him. When he pauses to look back on his gain...it's over he's not going forward anymore.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> Just for context, it’s my wife who uses FB a lot, not me. I had caught her 3 years ago looking up her ex’s, also, at the same time finding out about her A (which was also with an ex). The whole FB thing is a huge trigger. I just don’t know how much longer I can fight the fight.


This is a hot button issue for me too, I have an ex who CONSTANTLY looked at his ex gf's profile, the one he cheated on me with and just couldnt let go of. :| So yeah, checking in on ex's this way, while in a relationship, for me is NOT COOL.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*

So long as it's just to see what they're up to, I don't see anything wrong with it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It's one of those things that's not a problem, unless it becomes a problem.

Looking up an ex as a one-off curiosity thing, not a problem.

Obsessively looking up an ex, or attempting to rekindle a relationship, or seeking "closure"... is when it starts to be a problem for me.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> I appreciate the insight, really, so thank you. When I say I need a break, I just finished spending 40k on the legal bill from the ex. I have to regroup and start saving money for the next one. It’s not an excuse. I need 10k for the retainer alone.
> 
> Aside from getting herself into counseling, I don’t see a situation where we don’t end up in D. She claims she “looking” for an IC. She also claims she’s “reading” but I have no idea what. We’ve been radio silence for the last couple of weeks, and I’m fine with that. I’ve also been staying at my brother’s house on the weekends.


I got you sir, that puts it in perspective of what l did not know. I do hope your relationship works one way or the other. And l will continue to read your thread. 

Tilted


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



Uriel said:


> It's been shared with me by some older and wiser "Marines"..."Don't Look Back". I believe they were telling me if you look back you could catch something in the moment of pause.
> 
> Kinda like big game hunting when the animal bolts...stay glass on him. When he pauses to look back on his gain...it's over he's not going forward anymore.


I do think this way, but didn't explain my directness well at all its is true ingrained so much so l forget other may not know the reasoning of my direct communication. Thanks Uriel SEMPER FI.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> In my wife’s case, I think it is more about curiosity and not about feelings. However, she’s proven to have such weak boundaries, so curiosity can turn into feelings rather quickly.


Is curious about what? What possible interest could she have in someone she has nothing vested in? Like I said maybe I am just not built that way and can’t relate


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



Wolf1974 said:


> I may be unique in this regard but I just can’t even fake interest in any of my x’s to include my x wife. These people are no longer a relevant part of my life so I could care less what they are doing.
> 
> If my SO looked up her x’s it would be a big deal to me because I can’t understand why someone would do that unless they still had feelings


I agree with you. To me exes belong in the past....too many people have trouble leaving the past behind and because of that are not 100% in the present.

Just like my favorite sex partner is my current....because my past ones are no longer relevant and if I didn't have a physical connection with my current he wouldn't be my current.

I just don't see what good comes from checking out exes. Look forward, not back.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

RM,

How has the frequency and intensity of sex varied in the marriage, if she claims not to be interested in sex, yet looks up old flames I would say that's the final nail.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> RM,
> 
> How has the frequency and intensity of sex varied in the marriage, if she claims not to be interested in sex, yet looks up old flames I would say that's the final nail.


Tamat, i’d say the sex, or lack there of, is indeed the final nail. Maybe 1-2x a week of very uninteresting sex. She must be the first 44 year old post menopausal woman I’ve ever met.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

1-2 times is a week is not sexless, so why is that the final nail?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Maybe it's closer to 1 time a week of charity, pacifying or pity sex, combined with other bad mojo, could tip it towards the negative.

I'm just surmising.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> 1-2 times is a week is not sexless, so why is that the final nail?


No, it’s not sexless, but it isn’t good either. Combine that with a meddling MIL (which my wife never stands up to), no relationship with my 19 year old daughter (from my previous m), she’s not allowed to “step foot in OUR house”, poor communication skills (I get the silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks), refusal to find her own IC (I’ve been seeing my IC for a year), prior A, I’ve just checked out.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@RebuildingMe, is there a big age gap between you and your wife? I don't think you've ever mentioned ages but based on her behavior, she sounds like a social media junky which is more of a <40 crowd.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Lila said:


> @RebuildingMe, is there a big age gap between you and your wife? I don't think you've ever mentioned ages but based on her behavior, she sounds like a social media junky which is more of a <40 crowd.


I’m 48 she is 44. This is my second M. I have 3 adult kids. This is her first M, no kids prior. We have 8 year old twins together.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

*Re: Is it inappropriate to look up ex’s on FB?*



RebuildingMe said:


> Tamat, i’d say the sex, or lack there of, is indeed the final nail. Maybe 1-2x a week of very uninteresting sex. She must be the first 44 year old post menopausal woman I’ve ever met.


One to two times a week is not bad? If its not interesting thats something you both can work on ?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm curious, does she really claim to be past menopause at 44?! Does she truly not get a period anymore (not stopped from sort of birth control)?



RebuildingMe said:


> TAMAT said:
> 
> 
> > RM,
> ...


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Livvie said:


> I'm curious, does she really claim to be past menopause at 44?! Does she truly not get a period anymore (not stopped from sort of birth control)?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She went to her woman doctor a few months back and told me something to that effect. Maybe “pre” menopausal? Either way, she’s got a lot of work in front of her. I’m two weeks in with IHS. I just can’t take the excuses anymore. From the A, to FB, to sex, to her mother, she has an excuse for everything. Sorry if I’m venting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In general, it's not a good idea.

Though there might be circumstances when it is appropriate. But not done in secret.


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