# What did I say wrong (wished someone the best)?



## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

I went on my first female same-sex date this past weekend. 

She and I had very heavy communication prior to our date, like 3-4 hours per night. Long story short, after the date, she wanted to be friends and reduce our communication. Once I feel a sense of attachment, I find it very hard to detach. I thought about it and felt it was best to have no-contact/no communication for the foreseeable future because it would hurt too much, otherwise, considering how much we'd been communicating. 

Also being that this was my first same-sex experience of any kind, I felt like I needed to take a break and take stock.

I expressed to her that I was saddened, but that I understood her point of view and decision. I told her that I liked her very much, I wished her the best and truly hoped she'd find the girlfriend she was looking for because I think she's really cool. To the last part, she became a little upset. She said that it was "completely uncalled for and out of line" to say that part. 

*My question is, what did I say/do wrong?*

Eventually, she wanted reassurance that this is what I wanted. I told her yes, it would be best for me this way. She said fine and told me that she hoped I'd find the girlfriend I was looking for and we bid goodbye.

Later that night, she text messaged me despite me asking and us agreeing to no-contact. She was coy and vague, but that's something else altogether. 

My main question is what did I say wrong? I was being very sincere and wearing my heart on my sleeve. I truly want the best for her and if she just wanted to be friends, I don't get how telling her I hoped she'd find someone (because I think you're really cool) is out of line?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I guess she took it as a goodbye forever line.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

cali_chick said:


> I expressed to her that I was saddened, but that I understood her point of view and decision. I told her that I liked her very much, I wished her the best and truly hoped she'd find the girlfriend she was looking for because I think she's really cool. To the last part, she became a little upset. She said that it was "completely uncalled for and out of line" to say that part.
> 
> *My question is, what did I say/do wrong?*
> 
> ...


Which part was uncalled for and out of line:

You were saddened

You understood her point of view and decision

You liked her very much

You wished her the best

You truly hoped she'd find the gf. she was looking for

You think she's really cool

^^^None of these things are out of line or uncalled for; as far as I can tell.

Put that together with the fact that she broke your boundary, and texted (and was "coy" ), I would say that she is a drama junkie and a button pusher.

Next.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

cali_chick said:


> Long story short, after the date, she wanted to be friends and reduce our communication.


Well you certainly have a nerve to call someone on their BS!

If I went on a date and someone said let's just be friends and let's not communicate with so much, I'd say thank you and good luck!

You're looking for something deeper yes? Dating, fun etc. So she's friend zoned you then acts hurt when you state your very valid reasons for not wanting to be friends and being dictated to.

You've done yourself a favor, game playing and drama seekers are trouble.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She wanted to have all the control by staying friends. You threw her for a loop by having strong boundaries. She's drama you don't need, if she can't move on quietly and must have things on her terms. 

I did not interpret anything insulting in what you said. I'd have said the exact same thing. 

Move on and no more contact.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You did nothing wrong, but she became more attached than she meant to and it hurts her to have you disappear. Its a risk with casual sex.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You didn't play the _chase_ game some people like. They want you to chase them, become attached and then you become their back-up plan.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks guys. This just recently happened, so I wanted to be sure I didn't say or do anything wrong. 

Later that same night at around 10pm and despite my request for no-contact/no communication, she text messaged me anyways, saying that she had thought of me while out at a lounge with her sister and friends. 

She was coy and vague, mostly. She spent most of her time apologizing for reaching out because I had asked her not to contact me. The tone of her texts is scattered. From saying "*I miss you silly*" to "*look woman, I had fun with you yesterday and we have been talking so much that it isn't easy for me to just cut off either.*" One of her texts said "*I wanted to say hi and that I miss you. So there*."

At the end of our exchange, she's still being coy and not being direct about why she's reaching out to me (especially after the no-contact part). At the end, she says I'm too black and white and that she's grey and would prefer to be friends, as she had mentioned earlier. 

Right about that part, I end communication with her and now have her blocked (and deleted) on my phone. Very confusing experience, as I am nearing my mid-30's and have only been with men. 

Thanks guys! You've certainly helped me!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

"I miss you silly", "I miss you" and "I had fun with you yesterday" are not examples being coy; she is being direct. You either didn't encounter it with men or are so used to it with them it is easier ignore. This is new to you so, you are confused and hyper sensitive to doing thins right. Men do the same thing, she is trying to establish a friends with benefits scenario. She may really want to be your friend, but the continual pursuit after you said no, is like putting you in the friends zone. She doesn't want a serious relationship, but she'd be open to being FWB. Glad you blocked her number.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> She wanted to have all the control by staying friends. You threw her for a loop by having strong boundaries. She's drama you don't need, if she can't move on quietly and must have things on her terms.
> 
> I did not interpret anything insulting in what you said. I'd have said the exact same thing.
> 
> ...


This, and she's a narcissist. I know I say this a lot on here, but this is exactly what they do. They don't want anyone having control but them, and when someone takes it away from them, they flip. 

I'd go hard NC, and don't look back.  If you end up dating, the head games with this one will be unreal, I just sense it. I've only dated men, and have dated narcissists, but even women can be. They all read from the same play book, it seems. lol

When a narcissist says ''I want to be friends,'' what they really mean is ''I want to keep you around to take you off the shelf when I want to use you.''


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

That sounds like the push/pull manipulators.

Sounds like she wanted to keep a back up, perhaps looking at all her options?

I'm intolerant of mind games, wouldn't have even answered the post no contact texts.

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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

No, you didn't say anything wrong. She's mad because you took away the control. 

Hold your head high and move on. 

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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks guys. I should have seen this coming from a mile away. She was very controlling. She HATED when I would try and hang-up, even if it was 1am and we had been talking for over 3 hours. She'd say, "*I'm not done with you yet*" and we'd stay on the phone, but she said it in a cute way, that I thought it was her trying to be adorable. It became a trend, though. When I went to hang-up (and I can be a night owl, but she's a major career professional and had a long commute, so I was always trying to consider that she had to wake-up early) she'd get quick and one-wordy and obviously, a little upset. When I asked her why, she'd say, "*You're always trying to dictate the end of the conversation to me. You don't even ask me if I have to go. Perhaps, next time, ask me if I need to go*." Huh? I'm dictating to you, because I'm letting you go since it's late at night and you have to be up early?

She joked around that she's in charge. When we went on our date, everyone seemed to address her like she was the man, although we are both very feminine. Waitresses and attendants spoke to her, gave her the check(s), etc. When I went to give the last waitress my card to split the bill, she waived them away and the waitress listened. Then she leaned over to me and said, "See, everyone knows our roles." She was never mean about it though, always joking. 

She was always bragging about how well she took care of her ex-girlfriends. She called herself "_Princess Charming_." She'd say, "*I told my ex she needs a vacation. I told her just go to San Francisco for a few days. Put in on my card.*" She said that a few times in relation to her ex-girlfriends, "*Just put it on my card*" or "*She has my card." At first I thought she was being nice, but now I'm not so sure.

I tried to hold her hand over the table, but it threw her because I was the initiator of that (she seems to like to be in control).

She had also admitted that she had cheated on her last ex, while they were still together, by sleeping with their mutual friend while the ex was in the home entertaining a couple of other friends. She did take a little responsibility for it, but mainly said, "I wasn't the aggressor. She was. I fended her off and told her no." Well, obviously, not for long...

I guess I write all of this because I liked her so much. We got along so well, but we had miscommunications and disagreements very early on. At one point, she and I had a complete falling out. I made it clear what I wanted and she didn't want the same (this was in the beginning) and we hung-up. Later, she called and said that she didn't hear me say what I said and that I wasn't clear. That happened a few times, where I was very, very clear and then she'd call back the next day saying she didn't remember it the way I did and that she must not have heard me (when I really think she did).

Anyhoo, at that point I think to myself, "If I stay in this and get hurt a few weeks down the road, I'm going to look back at this point and know that this is where I should have just walked away, saving me any future pain." And that is EXACTLY what happened.

I really, really need to learn to walk away from people who exhibit red flags. I stick around because I like them so much and I know everyone makes mistakes in their life, but in the end, I always end up hurt.*


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Wow you are in a really unique situation. Married but actively dating/pursuing someone else. Not judging as you mentioned your husband is OK with it but I'm just curious how that arrangement works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Hi, PhillyGuy!

No worries and glad to answer. 

I felt the same way, too, at first. Now diving into this world, I've found there are much more women in the same situation as I am. You wouldn't think of it when you see them, because they don't feel the cliche version of what we think of when it comes to same-sex interests, but we're out there.

I think my first inclination is when I started seeing a therapist (because I was very much in denial) and she expressed how prevalent this is with her clients. I left her for another therapist, who repeated the same sentiment. 
My husband and I went to a popular sex therapist in our area, who alluded to the same thing (especially when it comes to wealthy couples, who pay one girl to be their mutual "girlfriend). 

I guess it started out as a desire. It grew from there. It turned into a true ache. I tried to control it, but couldn't. My husband then said he was cool with me talking to women in a more than friend way. I finally found one I really liked (this woman whom I'm no longer in contact with) and I was desperate to test the waters. He said I could accept her invite out on a date, so I did. 





PhillyGuy13 said:


> Wow you are in a really unique situation. Married but actively dating/pursuing someone else. Not judging as you mentioned your husband is OK with it but I'm just curious how that arrangement works.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Break glass in case of horny. It's ok, just be aware you are in case of emergency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks for responding! Glad your husband is cool with it.

As far as the other woman, nothing much to add but she sounds a bit too controlling for my tastes.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> Later that same night at around 10pm and despite my request for no-contact/no communication, she text messaged me anyways, saying that she had thought of me while out at a lounge with her sister and friends.


Block her completely. A request with no follow-up on your end says that you were still inviting her to reach out (that's likely what her mind thinks). With people that push boundaries to the extreme, you need to erect a brick wall.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> This, and she's a narcissist. I know I say this a lot on here, but this is exactly what they do. They don't want anyone having control but them, and when someone takes it away from them, they flip.
> 
> I'd go hard NC, and don't look back.  If you end up dating, the head games with this one will be unreal, I just sense it. I've only dated men, and have dated narcissists, but even women can be. They all read from the same play book, it seems. lol
> 
> When a narcissist says ''I want to be friends,'' what they really mean is ''I want to keep you around to take you off the shelf when I want to use you.''


Amen, sister! Just cut a narcissist off today after he kept asking me if by "friends only" I meant "no sex." I had to clarify it three times that I don't do FWB! I left it with "let me know if you are ok with that." 24 hours later and no reply from him and I just told him that it's best we aren't friends since it seems you want sex from me. To which he responded, "I never said I only wanted sex from you!" Thank you, Mr. Narcissist! You just made it so easy to go NC forever!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Begin again said:


> Amen, sister! Just cut a narcissist off today after he kept asking me if by "friends only" I meant "no sex." I had to clarify it three times that I don't do FWB! I left it with "let me know if you are ok with that." 24 hours later and no reply from him and I just told him that it's best we aren't friends since it seems you want sex from me. To which he responded, "I never said I only wanted sex from you!" Thank you, Mr. Narcissist! You just made it so easy to go NC forever!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol Great to hear! 

NC is really hard at first, I won't lie. But, once you COMMIT to it for yourself, for your own healing, you will never look back at these narcissists. NC is the only way to deal with a narcissist. I recommend blocking their numbers, because one night you might be sipping on some wine, and the narcissist texts you out of the blue ''hey, I miss you,'' and you might just fall right back into it. I speak from experience lol  Stay strong!


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> lol Great to hear!
> 
> NC is really hard at first, I won't lie. But, once you COMMIT to it for yourself, for your own healing, you will never look back at these narcissists. NC is the only way to deal with a narcissist. I recommend blocking their numbers, because one night you might be sipping on some wine, and the narcissist texts you out of the blue ''hey, I miss you,'' and you might just fall right back into it. I speak from experience lol  Stay strong!


Good point. I'd already deleted his contact info, but just went a step beyond and blocked him. Thanks!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Begin again said:


> Good point. I'd already deleted his contact info, but just went a step beyond and blocked him. Thanks!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You got this! ((hug))


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