# Long distance, trust issues, best-sex-ever-can't-live-without-you, fighting.. help



## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

A little background information: We are both in our early 20's, and live at home with our parents. However, it is a long distance relationship--I live in Tennessee, and he in Illinois. I graduate with my degree this December, and had plans to move there to start my career/our life together after leaving our parent's. We met on World of Warcraft about 2 years ago, while I was dating someone else. For about a year we played together everyday, and had so much fun talking to eachother/being geeks. One day around mid-December 2011, I realized I missed him when I was away from the game, and wondered if he ever thought about me too. One thing led to another, and I came to see him to meet for the first time January 2012 (this year).

I have never loved someone this hard before. When I think about how much I love him, I could melt and/or explode. I'm not inexperienced either, I've had three other LONG term (1+ year) relationships (in person, not long distance) and none of them were even in the same galaxy as this. He has made me re-think if I ever even loved my past boyfriends, or knew what love was. We saw eachother for about 2 weeks (I am a full time student, so my schedule was flexible; I'd come see him for long periods of time because he had work, I did not) at a time every 3 weeks to a month, max. Honestly, we saw eachother a LOT for a long distance relationship. In the beginning, the weeks would fly by and not a single fighting word would come out of our mouths. Not one, we never fought--ever. We were in complete and total bliss. I really wish I could reinforce this: we were in total bliss, absolutely enamored with eachother. Not to mention, our sex is scorching hot--the best I've ever had and I've been with around ten people. Once again, he blows them out of the water. We have sex about twice a day, sometimes even more when I'm in town. We keep it up even during the longer trips (sometimes over a month long) with no sign of slowing down--I doubt the sex would slow down even if I lived there.

Trust issues began to pop up. One afternoon after sex, I touched him and laughed at how small he was since he wasn't rearing to go anymore. He took this in the TOTALLY wrong way, I was just commenting on how different it looks when it's soft. It was a dumb thing for me to say, but ever since we fight all the time about how I think he is small. I do not think his manhood is lacking at all, but we have fought for months over this and I ABSOLUTELY cannot get him to believe I think otherwise. About four months ago, I was raped--I went over to a male friend's house thinking there was a party/social event going on, and once I arrived no one was there. The guy raped me, but I didn't file a police report, I did go to the hospital, no STD's, and no pregnancy. I decided not to tell him about this because I knew he would be enraged I was over there in the first place. About 2 weeks ago, I was at his house asleep, and he listened to some of my deleted voicemails. He listened to a voicemail from a friend telling me he's so sorry about what happened, and what I should do, etc. and obviously wanted to know what in the hell the voicemail was about. He reacted the way I thought he would, and told me I put myself in that situation and "of course the guy 'raped' you, you came over on a Saturday night, he thought he was getting laid." He flips back and forth between claiming I wasn't raped at all and it was consentual, I cheated on him, and I deserved to be raped/it was my fault because I went over there. Either way, the rape combined with the comment I made about his manhood have utterly destroyed our relationship.

The sweet man I once knew now calls me a *****, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't know if all this is going on because he doesn't know how to handle the emotions finding out about the rape bring, or what, but it is terrible. We fight all day long, then make up for about 12-24 hours, then he thinks about the rape and gets enraged all over again and we break up. He recently told me he needed a break and has actually stuck to it--we haven't gotten back together in three days. I am the most suicidal/miserable I've ever been.

My family members and friends dislike him because they don't understand the back and forth quality of the relationship, but I don't think they understand what the rape has done to our relationship. Rape is a serious, life changing issue and it has DEFINITELY thrown our cloud-9 relationship into the roughest seas I've ever known. I feel like I'm going to die without him, and all of my hopes and dreams (graduate school, working, obtaining my degree) seem obsolete when he isn't a part of the picture.

How do I fix this? Do I give him the space he wants and stop texting him pathetic things and groveling? But I almost want him so bad I'm willing to eat **** and grovel all over the floor for him--I literally cannot imagine my life without him. I am an adult and have felt heartbreak before, and this blows everything I've ever thought "pain" felt like out of the universe. I feel as if had I never made that comment about his penis, and never gone to that friend's house that night, or sometimes never even been friends with the friend who left the voicemail on my phone (I think about what I did wrong that much), none of this would be happening. Our relationship was PERFECT. We were MADLY in love, had the most amazing sex I've ever had, were so kind to eachother, living in a total dream with goals and desires for eachother, and now everything has fallen apart and turned into a nightmare. What do I do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*The sweet man I once knew now calls me a *****, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me.*

You need to dump this guy STAT. HE is emotionally and verbally abusive. Someone that cares about you doesn't call you names, call you disgusting and tells you he hates you and hopes you die.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> *The sweet man I once knew now calls me a *****, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me.*
> 
> You need to dump this guy STAT. HE is emotionally and verbally abusive. Someone that cares about you doesn't call you names, call you disgusting and tells you he hates you and hopes you die.


But I feel somewhat at fault.. I really shouldn't have been at that guy's house. If I had been being a good long distance girlfriend, I would have been at home being content with my laptop and TV. I feel like all of this is my fault, and he is having an impossibly hard time dealing with finding out about the rape. I also think it hurts him that I didn't tell him and instead chose to tell my friends.. Am I wrong here? Was I totally off my rocker for trying to keep the rape private from my significant other? Does he have substantial reason to be angry with me for "putting myself in that situation"? If he is so terrible for me, why do I feel as if my life is over without him? I do not want to wait five years to love like this again. He has changed my entire life.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's not your fault. Seriously. You need to put that out of your mind. But really, if you love this man, you should have told him. Finding out the way he did makes it look like you were hiding it. So he has mixed emotions. He pissed that it happened, and part of him wonders if you were cheating. It's hard to reconcile, why you didn't tell him if it wasn't cheating.

And the small unit thing....ya, I think you know now that is a sensitive issue for many guys. If he's insecure about that, then the memory of your comment is not going to go away easily.

Personally, I think that you should go to the police and press charges on the rape. That will show your boyfriend that it truly was rape and the fact is, it's the right thing to do. Who knows how many other women he's done or going to do this to. If it only happened 4 months ago, you're well within the statute of limitations.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

the "hot and crazy" feelings - You're in Lust. 
If he is not supportive of what happened to you - you should get out. Don't walk, but run.

Those sparked feelings are not real love. 
Real love is built over trust and respect. Just because he provides steam in the sack doesnt qualify for him being good in a healthy relatioship. Take out the sex and what do you have?
Can you get some counseling? I would strongly suggest it.

The way you have explained him - he's sounds abusive.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

You really need to focus on you right now. You need to heal yourself to get through what happened to you. Go to counseling, learn how to get through it, you won't get over it, but through it. 

I was raped by my friend's older brother while I was spending the night at her house. I was 14 at the time, I never told ANYONE until 6 years later when my H and I got together. He was the first and only person I've told and his reaction was similar... Why didn't you scream, fight, etc. This was a lack of maturity (he was 18 at the time) and understanding. I was so embarassed, humiliated, felt so guitly doing the what if's... I have always felt this way deep inside, it is a demon that I continue to fight and I'm exhausted. I am just now at 40 years old seeing how much this and other sexual abuse from earlier years has screwed up my life. 

I am looking for a therapist that specializes in this area but having difficulty because I'm from a very small town. PLEASE do not follow down the road alone, don't minimize what happened to you and think it hasn't changed you as a person. You may not think it has now, but I promise you ... it has. 

Focus on you... if it's truly the love you say it is, it will make it through this, if not then at least you know and you will be better in the end... Take care...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dakota, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with JellyBeans and the others that you should stay away from your BF. The behaviors you describe -- strong trust issues, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, irrational anger, jealousy, and flipping from adoring you to hating you in ten seconds -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

It is common for the courtship period with a BPDer to begin, as your R did, like gangbusters -- with fireworks and the greatest sex you've ever had -- and with both of you being absolutely convinced you've met your soul mate.

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most sound very familiar. Although only a professional can determine whether a person has full blown BPD, spotting the red flags is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as strong verbal abuse, rapid transitions from Jekyll to Hyde, and inability to trust. My post is located at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Dakota.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Thank you so much, each and every one of you. I want to reply to each of you individually.

WorkingOnMe, I did not tell him about the rape because (as someone else who replied said) rape is extremely embarrassing and full of guilt. It is a demon that has to be dealt with on its own. Although I could press charges, the guy denies it ever happened.. how am I going to realistically put him in jail? It is my word versus his word. Although it happened, there isn't any way to prove it. Rape is the #1 most under reported crime in the country, many sociologists believe OVER 50% of rapes are never reported. That is incredible. It's because of the shame, guilt, lack of ability to prosecute. I would have rather dealt with it my own way, than go through the humility of reliving the encounter in a public courtroom in front of my rapist, for him to more than likely not get convicted anyways. I felt guilt. I didn't tell my boyfriend because I shouldn't have asked this guy about this supposed party he was having. I knew the moment it happened I deserved it and this was my fault. I knew as soon as it happened, my boyfriend would blame me. I hid it because I felt like a cheater. 

Readytogo, even without the sex, when the good times are good they are amazing. We laugh and have fun in ways I never have with anyone in my past, and I am a "steady freddy" -- always jumping from relationship to relationship. I know this is an issue of my own, but I am someone who felt they knew what love was. Since he is the one who showed me feelings more intense than anything I ever felt--even during the lust/infatuation phase of past relationships--I am left thinking I simply didn't know what love was. *Because I jumped from relationship to relationship, I was always out looking for love.. I dated the first person to show interest in me after the death of my last relationship. This man I found randomly, in a mutual and very strong interest (gaming). I fell in love with him when I wasn't trying; I honestly do believe I didn't know what love was and he has both shown me and taken it away from me.*

Lovingsummer, I just went to a therapist yesterday to deal with some of my hopeless, lonely, suicidal thoughts. She wanted me to be hospitalized--and like you--focused more on the destruction of what the rape had done, versus my boyfriend. I went in there crying and wailing about being alone for the rest of my life, but my therapist put heavy emphasis on how much rape changes someone forever. I think you are right--I just don't know how much it has yet. Although I resent my rapist and feel incredible shame for what happened, I feel much more pain related to the rape because it cost me my boyfriend. Although I'll never know, I feel as if had my boyfriend handled the rape in a "Oh my God, I'm so sorry" type of way instead of "Oh my God, you're a *****!" type of way, I might be able to deal with it just fine. However, like I said, my boyfriend didn't react that way so I'll never know if I could have dealt with it the rest of my life. My therapist certainly didn't think so.

Uptown, your link was incredibly helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to type such a detailed response--even if it was for someone else's situation. My boyfriend has many of those qualities, however he also lacks several as well. I have wondered in the past if he was bipolar, or had some other type of personality disorder. I have no doubt he has an anger problem. Some of the similar traits that stick out the most to me are the way he flips and flops, but especially how he just "makes up" things I have said or totally changes something I said to make it mean anything to use against me. When we fight, he will take things I've said in the past and completely change the meaning or sometimes the wording itself and use it against me. For example, he says "You probably ****ed that guy because my **** is so little" and "maybe if I were bigger you wouldn't be a *****." I have told him a THOUSAND times I don't think his ERECT penis is small (and he really isn't in all sincerity, that is what makes this so ridiculous, he is probably one of the bigger I've been with--how does he not know he isn't small?) but he won't listen to me. He continues to use that comment against me and manipulate it whichever way he wants in order to belittle me about being raped. I constantly am walking on very, very delicate egg shells. I feel as if I am tip-toeing around in the dark, fumbling for the light switch in a room I've never been in before. However, he does recognize the good times were good.. and still can be good. When we have a good day, we are amazing. I can't describe it, we are just so incredibly in love. When things are bad, however, it is as if all the wonderful memories we had are gone. Like the poster in your link said--99 wonderful moments in a week are overshadowed by 1 mistake--1 thing I said that set him off. It's always things I say that send him over the edge. I recently reactivated my Facebook, and he did not like that at all, and we got into it about that as well.

Satya, I will admit both of us are serious gamers. I probably play the game for 4-5 hours a day, as I go to school full time and maintain a 3.9 cumulative GPA (that is the goodness of my parents allowing me to not have to work during college). I wake up, go to school, come home, and play from around 7-8 until midnight or so. He, however, probably plays 8 hours a day at the minimum. I can't say I haven't gone through binge phases where I played that much either. However, he only works part time and has an associate's degree.. I don't understand it. He is definitely addicted to the game. He wakes up around 11 am, plays until he goes to work at 5pm, gets off at 9 pm, runs home to get on and plays until 2 or 3 in the morning. However, I love this game as well and if I had the free time I'd probably play that much too (as shameful as it is to admit) so we never have any words about how much time he spends on the game. I did nag about not working full time when he is done with school, so he showed some effort and picked up another shift at work. He still works part time, however.



To all of you and anyone else who hasn't replied and is just lurking: I feel as if this man is the one because I wasn't searching for love when I found him. I maintained a sincere, talk everyday type of friendship with him for over a year when I had never even met him. That takes some serious mental connection, even if it is unhealthy. My past boyfriends were simply the first people to show interest in me after my last relationship ended; the first people that stepped in to "fill the void." When I found him I wasn't trying to fill a void. I slowly fell in love with him over the course of a year, and by the time I came to meet him I was swept off the planet. This may sound terrible--but he also introduced me to drugs that have completely changed my life as well. I took mdma, or ecstasy, with him for the first time at a dubstep concert and the way the drug makes you feel literally changes your emotions and outlook on life. I would describe "rolling" with a significant other considerably life changing. It is an experience. Using this drug with him at numerous different concerts--feeling the overwhelming ecstasy and timeless, eternal love for him--leave memories that chain me. Memories so sweet I'm not even sure I care if he abuses me, I just want him. If he killed me tomorrow, I probably wouldn't mind.. he has a hold that strong.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

dakotaice said:


> I have wondered in the past if he was bipolar, or had some other type of personality disorder.


Dakota, perhaps he is bipolar. But that is not what you are describing. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found ten clear differences between the two disorders.

*One difference* is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _hating you_. Significantly, you mention nothing at all about mania or depression occurring. Instead, you describe a man who flips back and forth between loving you deeply and hating you deeply.

*A second difference* is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums occurring.

*A third difference* is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

*A fourth difference* is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe seems consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.

*A fifth difference* is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

*A sixth difference* is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior and strong verbal abuse.

*A seventh difference* is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which seems consistent with your description. As you say, "I have no doubt he has an anger problem."

*An eight difference* is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

*A ninth difference* is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations -- which seems consistent with the way your BF is so convinced you believe him to be small, nevermine that you never intended to imply that and have explained it countless times. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings, as seems to occur when your BF started arguments over things you never ever said. In his mind, however, he was convinced you had said them.

*Finally, a tenth difference* is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. 

Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will. Significantly, you describe a man who is unable to trust you when you are making a joke -- and when you've been raped.

I therefore suggest you take a look at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. Again, if that description rings a bell, I would be glad to point you to other good online resources.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's not your fault. Seriously. You need to put that out of your mind. But really, if you love this man, you should have told him. Finding out the way he did makes it look like you were hiding it. So he has mixed emotions. He pissed that it happened, and part of him wonders if you were cheating. It's hard to reconcile, why you didn't tell him if it wasn't cheating.
> 
> And the small unit thing....ya, I think you know now that is a sensitive issue for many guys. If he's insecure about that, then the memory of your comment is not going to go away easily.
> 
> *Personally, I think that you should go to the police and press charges on the rape. That will show your boyfriend that it truly was rape and the fact is, it's the right thing to do. Who knows how many other women he's done or going to do this to. If it only happened 4 months ago, you're well within the statute of limitations*.


:iagree: :iagree:

If you don't press charges your BF will think it was consensual


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Who gives a f* what her boyfriend thinks? The guy is a total skeeze and classic abuser.

It's hard enough to deal with the trauma of rape--on top of that you've got your boyfriend saying he hopes you'll day and dogging you instead of showing his support. He lacks empathy. Because he's a jerk.

Cut him loose and get help to deal with what happened to you.

It's not your fault you were raped. Your boyfriend's comments are not your fault.

It sounds like you have low self-esteem. Get into therapy stat before you keep chasing after men who treat you like this guy and keep putting up with it. It's not ok at all for him to talk to you that way. Got it? I'm sure your university offers some type of counselling service free to you. Utilize it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

You are right about that. It applies only if she wants to stay.

All comments about him are well founded


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stay where? She shouldn't stay with this creep at all. He has serious issues. No man who sincerely cares about his lady is going to tell her she's disgusting and hopes she dies. It's revolting.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I agree again.

You and I would leave but what does she want to do?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I read somewhere on this site, I can't remember who posted it, that there is a difference between personality and character. You fall in love with someone's personality but it is their character that makes the relationship successful or unsuccessful.

Your boyfriend has shown you he has a bad character. He is distrustful, unsupportive, misogynistic and cruel. 

Be thankful you found this out before you married him or had children with him. Keep going to therapy. Believe your friends, they care about you and can see things more clearly right now.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Listen to the experienced people here. I believe they are right. Your bf sounds like he suffers from BPD and he will cause you incredible pain. The sooner you "withdraw" from him the better off you will be. It takes time and you need your friends and family support.

I believe what is making this extra hard for you is the rape. Like another poster said, this is affecting you more than you realize. Probably why you are feeling suicidal right now. It is extremely hard to go through rape as it is much less have someone tell you it's your fault. It happened to me too. I was suicidal. I didn't know a person could hurt so much emotionally...i literally felt like I was going to die from emotional pain. You MUST get into counseling and stick with it. 

As far as pressing charges, the best thing is maybe he will be embarrassed by getting arrested...but he probably won't be indicted because there is no evidence. Sadly, justice can only be had at a very high price for the victim. When my youngest was 10 years old, she was raped by her 16 year old step brother when staying at her dad's for the summer. We put her in counseling, but the counseler said it was just too hard for her to stand up to a trial. Would do more harm to her.....

Get into counseling fast...and stay with it. You have a lot of trauma to deal with and if you don't deal with it, it will haunt you. No one is worth you losing your sanity or your life over. Also, remember, when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. The price you are going to pay to be with him will be too high..It may even kill you.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

I really needed you guys tonight, but in my tears and mania I couldn't get my login information correct and instead had a break down all by myself. I have never came so close to suicide. We were on great speaking terms today, and things got rough out of the middle of no where at the end of night because I didn't hang out with a friend of mine. He says our relationship is "busted" because I have no friends and only stays home if he does. In actuality, I stayed home because I was simply tired. 

I become upset again about the entire break up, and am talking very seriously about suicide and how I can't handle how cruel he is. He tells me I am crazy, annoying, and wants me out of his life forever. Which only added to the breakdown I was going through. How can someone I love so much tell me these things? I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am crazy.. Maybe he is right? Maybe I am the one who ruined everything because I simply cared too much, cried too much, became too depressed over the break up. He obviously isn't hurting the same way as me. But what pushed me over the edge tonight were my threats of suicide--and his care free, "shut up, you are so annoying and this is why I want you out of my life" responses. If anyone I cared about were in a place as dark as I am right now, these would be the LAST things I'd say to someone. 

Am I crazy for wanting to die over this? The saddest part is, he doesn't take me seriously... I wouldn't be surprised if I am gone in a few days. The pain is unimaginable. Am I just too emotional? Do I care too much? Does talking about suicide automatically make me crazy? Am I just as bad for him as he is for me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Am I crazy for wanting to die over this?


Dakota, you are not describing "crazy" but, rather, confusion and severe depression. That is one reason all respondants here have been urging you to see a therapist (ideally, a psychologist) as soon as possible. It is pointless for you to be suffering so painfully when there is a world of help out there. Depression is very well understood by the psychiatric profession and they will greatly help you.


dakotaice said:


> I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am crazy.. Maybe he is right?


No, he is not right. "Crazy" means that a person's perception of physical reality is distorted, with the result that he may believe the news anchor on TV is speaking personally to him -- and may believe that planes flying overhead are spying on him. 

If you've been dating a BPDer for two years, "feeling like you are going crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling. Of the several dozen mental disorders in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the partners and spouses feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists see far more of those partners and spouses seeking therapy (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Indeed, this "crazy making" effect of BPDers is so well known that the ex-partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie _Gaslight_, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. His objective is to get her institutionalized so he can run off with her family jewels. Toward that end, he does things to make her doubt her sanity. One of his tricks is to turn the house gas lights down a tiny bit further every day, all the while claiming he can see and read just fine.

Importantly, I do not know whether your BF has strong BPD traits. I've never even met the man. I am confident, however, that you can spot the red flags if you take time to read about it. That's why I encouraged you to do so. Your very first objective, however, should be to see a psychologist ASAP so you can obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. On top of your difficulties with your BF, you are struggling with the trauma of the rape experience. Yet, if you are still feeling strongly suicidal, Dakota, your very first objective should be to call 911 or go to a hospital Emergency Room. Severe depression is very treatable.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Dakota... the following is what I wrote on a post regarding a man's wife feeling suicidal... please know that the light is there, I promise you that it is there. You may not be able to imagine the "rest of your life" without this person right now. You may have have to live minute by minute, hour by hour until you can work up to day by day. But you are worth living, you deserve to live, the people who actually do love you deserve to have you in their life.

* I'm not sure if you have depression or not and whether you've ever had to deal with it... But people with depression (or maybe it's just me) can not see light at the end of the tunnel when they are feeling so low. The light (things in life to look forward to, enjoy, live for) just isn't there, it is dark and it is scary because you feel so alone. You feel like no matter how hard you try to claw and scratch your way out of the hole to find the light, you just slide back down into the darkness. After doing this repeatedly, your emotions start convincing you that it can't be done and just give up. But her heart says no, you have a family that you love, you can't leave them like this. So she's asking you to take the pills away in case her emotions start winning the battle. *

This guy is pushing you further into your darkness... You are not crazy, you are hurt, betrayed, confused, etc. and your emotions are taking over. If you can't get into a therapist right away, go to your doctor and tell them what you've been through and how you've been feeling. Don't be alone right now, you may not feel like being around people but being alone allows your mind to whirl into dark thoughts. Hang in there, even if it's with white knuckles...


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I believe your trauma has caused you severe depression. You have to realize that is what is talking here...it's not you. You are going to feel better. You do not need to be alone feeling this bad. Be with a family member or close friend and yes, have them take you to the ER for treatment. This is when depression is the most dangerous.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I should add, my depression mixed with trauma has put me where you are right now. I think emotional pain can be worse than physical pain and like I said before, I thought I was going to die from it. So, believe me when I tell you that you will not feel like this forever. There are great medications that can help pull you through this...and inpatient and outpatient programs to help you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dakota--you need to dump this guy yesterday. I am totally serious. I would delete his # and everything. He is not good for you. Once you realize what a POS he is, you will be better off.

Re: suicide--you need to call someone--someone who loves and supports you--a relative/family/friend, etc and talk to them stat to talk about this with.

I can guarantee you though that staying in touch with this d!ck is making you feel worse. 

He doesn't deserve to have any part of your life. He is a jerk. Got it???

He may or may not have BPD as Uptown suggested but the one thing remains: *you ARE in an abusive relationship.*

Ok?

*Your boyfriend is ABUSIVE.*

You need to get the hell out of this relationship. Now. You don't need this guy ok???????


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Okay guys, now the question has changed to how in the hell do I move on from this relationship? I have no friends, and my family is at their wit's end dealing with me crying and wailing all the time. My dad almost brought me to the emergency room last night, I was yet again on the brink of suicide.

My boyfriend and I continued to talk (despite what all of you have said, I know) and got into it again last night. I drank an entire bottle of wine so I am not the only offender here, _I want you guys to know I am no angel and have played my part in destroying this relationship_. He told me if I were there he would murder me and "paint the walls with my blood" among other things. He told me I'm too skinny and look like "skeletor" (I am 5'9" and weigh 105-110 pounds, probably less right now due to the stress) which hurt me incredibly. I yelled and screamed about how I'm going to press charges for the murder threats (which I documented on my phone), and things just got absolutely *out of control*. I took a few xanax and drank an entire bottle of wine, I was just as uncontrollable as he was.

I woke up this morning and immediately apologized, sincerely, and he responded with the usual. "You're crazy, **** off, leave me alone." Now he is begging me to please just leave him alone, because I am "the most miserable person he has ever met, and I bring him down everyday." He is literally begging me to leave him alone. It breaks my heart. I keep envisioning him struggling to walk out the door, and I am a black cloud of death and unhappiness grabbing him by his ankle, holding him back. I never wanted to make anyone feel this way. I didn't want to make him miserable. It also scares me that he is leaving me because I am "bringing him down with me." Now I have to fight my depression alone. Whose FAULT is this? Why do I feel so guilty?

How can I try to let this toxic relationship go when it is all I have? I have an alcoholic mother (an absolutely raging alcoholic; drinks a 24 case of beer/night, and is a verbally abusive drunk, not a happy one) and a terminally ill father with no siblings or friends. My entire life was World of Warcraft, school, and my boyfriend. I graduate with my degree this December, my boyfriend has left me, and I no longer find joy in the video game because I can't play it with him. My life as I know it has ground to a halt.

I've set up an appointment to see a therapist to get put on antidepressants, but everyday is a struggle. I'm not sure I can make it. My life is hopeless. I have nothing. I have ruined my boyfriend's life and made him miserable too.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

dixieangel said:


> I should add, my depression mixed with trauma has put me where you are right now. I think emotional pain can be worse than physical pain and like I said before, I thought I was going to die from it. So, believe me when I tell you that you will not feel like this forever. There are great medications that can help pull you through this...and inpatient and outpatient programs to help you.


I didn't know it was possible for a human being to feel the pain I feel and not be bleeding.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Dakota--you need to dump this guy yesterday. I am totally serious. I would delete his # and everything. He is not good for you. Once you realize what a POS he is, you will be better off.
> 
> I can guarantee you though that staying in touch with this d!ck is making you feel worse.
> 
> ...


He admits he is abusive, but he blames me and tells me "I made him this way." Can you imagine what that feels like? To be told everyday that I have ruined someone's mind in such a way that I've turned a nice person emotionless and cruel? 

I am the type of person that can only move on from a relationship if it ended by means that were out of my control, aka they left me, etc. You'd think this would be easy for me since he begs me to leave him alone, but he begs me to leave him alone because I have ruined his life. This is all MY fault. I made him abuse me. My behavior made him so angry, he abuses me. This is all my fault.

I can't just quit talking to him, those are such empty words. If it is within my power, I know I'm going to try to contact him again. Should I just get my phone shut off? Not just powered off, but completely shut off for a few weeks/months? I have uninstalled the game, I don't think I have the power to delete my characters I have spent so much time on...


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

If it takes shutting your phone off... do it... Nobody makes someone abuse them!!! This is toxic for you and it will continue if you allow it. You are throwing yourself in front of a bus repeatedly knowing very well it's going to hurt. You don't deserve it, turn around and walk away, crawl away if you have to... but get away and heal yourself.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

This boyfriend is very toxic. He's very abusive and psychotic. IE: Talking about killing you and describing how he is doing it. When dating, you are trying out the boyfriends, like recruits, to see who will fit in your life. He has failed that test. He needs to be gone like yesterday.

As to how, you go cold-turkey on him. Don't contact him. Block his email, block him from WoW (if you still play it), and block any access that he contacts you on. *Do not unblock him* as much as you would like to.

Then, you go into counseling for your low self-esteem. Find someone who is specialized in rape. This is coming from someone who was sexually assaulted from the ages of 5 - 9 and a mother who never though I would amount to anything. Rape can damage your self-esteem. You will never be able to heal your self-esteem and yourself with him saying these things to you.

Also, if you are on medication, you might want to talk to the doctor about increasing the dosage or switching medication.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

I can't help but feel like I made him this way. Before he told me he wanted to murder me last night, he said "if you say one more thing I'm going to snap." I of course said something, and then he went into a tangent about how he wanted to murder me and paint my blood on the walls. He says I shouldn't have pushed him, and that's why he said it--me. Me, me, me, me. It's always me. 

He blames everything on me. It's so hard to let go because I feel so terrible... I have made a person so miserable, *I have created an abuser*. Do you guys think that is possible? That I have made a normal person abusive? Or do you think he has his own issues that were there before and will still be there after I'm gone?

I'm trying to not contact him. He never tries to speak to me, so no temptations on responding to him that is for sure...

Thank you everyone for your responses... I am clinging to this thread and your support right now, although you are all total strangers....... clinging to it more than I should.... I have nothing else

Writer, I am not on medication, but I have an appointment set up to see a psychiatrist and get on medication. I am dealing with these issues abusing alcohol at the moment, only complicating everything


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

dakotaice said:


> I have made a person so miserable, *I have created an abuser*. Do you guys think that is possible?


No, it is not possible. You don't have the power to turn your H into an abuser. If he has a personality disorder such as BPD, he likely acquired it before the age of five. And, remember, regardless of the source of his anger issues, his decision to abuse you is a CHOICE he makes every time he does so. He therefore is fully responsible for those choices.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Please leave the alcohol alone. I can't stress enough how much that is hurting you. It is a depressant and makes you feel even worse than you already do! I know from experience. You have enough to deal with and alcohol on top if it is a recipe for disaster. I know that you think you are just escaping from the pain you feel, but you are making that pain a LOT worse when the alcohol gets out of your system. You need to be doing things that help depression like exercise, getting out in the sunlight, eating healthy food...even those simple things will help you mentally. Make yourself get out for a swim and eat something healthy. I know even doing simple things like that take effort when you are in the state you are in, but take if from someone who's been there, IT WILL HELP.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

dakotaice said:


> I can't help but feel like I made him this way. Before he told me he wanted to murder me last night, he said "if you say one more thing I'm going to snap." I of course said something, and then he went into a tangent about how he wanted to murder me and paint my blood on the walls. He says I shouldn't have pushed him, and that's why he said it--me. Me, me, me, me. It's always me.
> 
> He blames everything on me. It's so hard to let go because I feel so terrible... I have made a person so miserable, *I have created an abuser*. Do you guys think that is possible? That I have made a normal person abusive? Or do you think he has his own issues that were there before and will still be there after I'm gone?


I don't think anyone can make anyone be an abuser. Either they are, or they aren't. He most certainly isn't normal if he is threatening to kill you. And, no matter what you say or how you say it or why you say it, you do not deserve it.

Abuse happens in a cycle. They build you up, tear you down, and some will apologize - "I'm sorry, but if you didn't make me mad than I wouldn't say it, I wouldn't hit you."

If you meet this man again, I am concern for your safety. Abuse always escalates. They will go from putting you down, threatening you, pushing you, and, ultimately, may try to kill you. I would take his threats very seriously.



> I'm trying to not contact him. He never tries to speak to me, so no temptations on responding to him that is for sure...


To me, this sounds manipulative. He is waiting for you to contact him, which I believe is in line with a controlling script. He makes you second guess yourself, and, eventually, you will get in contact with him. He thinks he has that power over you. 



> Thank you everyone for your responses... I am clinging to this thread and your support right now, although you are all total strangers....... clinging to it more than I should.... I have nothing else


Oh, don't feel bad about this. I believe that we are a support group, and many of us have grown into a family. I know if my situation has helped one person, then it is worth posting about it. Also, it is better to talk to us than it is to him. 



> Writer, I am not on medication, but I have an appointment set up to see a psychiatrist and get on medication. I am dealing with these issues abusing alcohol at the moment, only complicating everything


As dixieangel said, I would lay off the alcohol. It is only bringing you down. I deal with a husband that is clinically depressed, and his depression is always worse when he drinks. Thankfully, he is an occasional drinker (2 drinks a year). 

When he is depressed, he finds going outside and being active helps. He used to use MMOS (such as WoW, EQ) as a means of escaping. But, physical activity seemed to help him more.


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## sssss (Sep 9, 2012)

i am the horrible boyfriend that she is talking about. a few things she forgot to mention. she had been talking to her "rapist" so much in the weeks leading up to the "rape" that i brought it up to her, "hey who is this guy and why are you talking to him so much?" she made an instagram account and followed only him. (creepy) she also told me the this guy was a good friend of her previous boyfriend. she also told me that they had a thing together while she was with her previous boyfriend. so she willingly cheated on her ex boyfriend with this man. also, when i originally found out about it, she had said it happened years and years ago. then i find the message from some random guy in her phone, showing me it happened only a couple months ago while we were still together. she said the guy had sent out a mass text inviting multiple friends to a party. later she tells me, she called him herself, after midnight, to hang out on a saturday night. who knows what she told me she was doing? she also said she willingly was making out with him on his couch, only telling him "no" when he went for her pants. she said once they started doing it she stopped telling him no and stopped fighting. ****, i have done that to her. she says no, i want it bad enough to keep going, and she ends up happy in the end. she said "i acted like i enjoyed it for him" no bs, she really said that. so regardless of what happened or didnt happen, she willingly called another man after midnight, lied to me about what she was doing to go over there, and was making out with him on his couch. the same man who she told me she cheated on her ex with. i have caught this girl up in so many lies other than this one, im not even going to get into it. i tried giving her more chances, she is just not faithful. but im the bad guy. and i mean the comment she made telling me im small? its funny that she even mentions that as one of the MAJOR REASONS we broke up, turns out it must have really been a huge... errr uh, "teenie" problem for her. i saw messages to her ex bf where he was asking her out to a wedding and she was saying how she is "kind of not really" in a realtionship, no more than a few weeks after i asked her to be my girl. she then tells me i have a teenie ****, and she has been with some huge ones, including the ex bf who she told she is "kind of not really" in a relationship with.before we ever even met she told me "you better have a big ****" if she was going to travel so far to see me. but either way, her listing that as one of the main reasons we broke up is just showing how much it really mattered to her. but bring in the hate mail, im the bad guy, im the one who you're trying to figure out whats going wrong in my brain right now. am i bipolar? do i have BPD? no, i had an annoying ass monkey on my shoulders that i have finally shaken off


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

I gave him the link to this thread.

His only comments were:

1. Pretty Lights isn't dubstep, I don't even like dubstep (regarding the comment I made about going to dubstep concerts with him on the 1st page)

After this comment I said, that is all you have to say? About everything in that thread? Then his second comment:

2. lol im sorry you hurt so bad you blog about it


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Now he is using the two posts by Malaise and WorkingOnMe saying I should file a police report if I didn't want him to think it was consensual against me. 

He ignores everything else everyone has said in this thread, but tells me "see even people agree that you acted like you were hiding something" ... he cannot fathom that I was raped, he thinks I went over there and had sex with that man of my own will.


I just don't understand the way he thinks??


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Oh and, I am a "dumb lying manipulative *****" -- he calls me this moments after reading a three page long thread calling him verbally abusive. He is acting like a child, I cannot get through to him


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

dakotaice said:


> he calls me this moments after reading a three page long thread calling him verbally abusive.


Dakota, if you suspect he has strong BPD traits, it is unwise to tell him. If it is true, he almost certainly will project the accusation back onto you. Because the projection protects his ego by working at a subconscious level, he will actually be convinced YOU are the one with strong BPD traits. This is one reason that BPDers are so persuasive -- they sincerely believe most of the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths.


> He is acting like a child, I cannot get through to him.


It usually is impossible to reason with a BPDer because he carries enormous rage and anger inside. You therefore are always just ten seconds away from triggering a release of that anger, at which time you will be reduced to trying to reason with the child in him, not the adult.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Satya said:


> Dakota, I am sorry that things have escalated to this degree, but you absolutely must stop contacting this guy. Sit on your hands. Do not contact him. Every time you want to contact him, drink a glass of WATER, take a power walk/run outside, eat a piece of fruit. Detox. Get vitamins in you. Update your post and keep us informed. It's time to find a new hobby. Nothing you say is going to alter his behavior. It's beyond your power, so take control of yourself!


This is getting very hard. I am still trying to contact him, and he ignores me. My life is terrible. Everything I've worked for is falling apart, everything is becoming so pointless.. I just want to die. I wake up and want to die. This pain is unbelievable. I wish I had never met him, I would've rather never loved than experience pain like this. I am such a good girl. I loved him with all my heart. I didn't deserve this, where is my prince in shining armor? 

I don't know how to stop contacting him, I'm the weakest person on the planet. Short of cutting my phone off, I just don't know. I have his number memorized. I try to see if he is online whenever I do get on WoW. I want all of this to go away. This is a NIGHTMARE I cannot wake up from, my life has spiraled completely out of control and I am standing on the sidelines watching it burn............

UNFATHOMABLE ****ING PAIN, is all I can say. It makes me want to faint, but that's probably because I haven't eaten in days. I weigh 99 pounds this morning. I am literally dying. This is just too much. My sparkle is gone, anything that made me "Samantha" is gone


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

He left me because he thinks I am unfaithful, and I have made some STUPID decisions, but I was NOT A CHEATER.

The saddest thing is, I could have walked in on him screwing five other girls and I would've never left. I would have never left him, for anything, under any circumstances

Quitting smoking was easier than trying to let go of this person.....


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

I am a BEAUTIFUL girl. Not tooting my own horn, but when I'm dressed up I'm a knock out. I could have any guy I wanted, but the one on the planet I want doesn't want me anymore.

To love someone so deeply and be rejected/ignored/unwanted is the most terrible feeling on the planet. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy; I wouldn't wish this on Hitler


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## DontStopBelieving (Sep 10, 2012)

dakotaice

This is my first post on this site (long time lurker) and i wanted you to know you are the reason i have joined. 

I wanted to tell you that you are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for! Just the fact that you are getting up each day after the horrific event you went through shows that you want to live, you just need to find something to focus on!

What happened to you was not your fault and do not ever let yourself for one second think it was!!

And this so called "boyfriend" of yours is just a boy who is not even worthy of a friend! if he had any integrity he would have been at that guys house NOT blaming you!!!

I agree with all the posters on here you need to talk to someone - def a proffesional - you need to know that what you are feeling i.e. confused/ scared and upset are all ok feelings to have, you just need to find a way to move past them.

Could you volunteer with animals somewhere - just being close to a living creature will make you feel less alone and judged, and would take your mind off wanting to contact this P.o.S you have had to deal with in your life.

When i was 16 i was so in love with my boyfriend i would have done anything for him, i thought he was my one and when he dumped me and immediately found someone else it broke me so badly, i began to self harm and my self esteem went through the floor - everyone said you will get over him and i would not believe them. I went on to have bad relationship after bad relationship. I want you to know that next week i am to marry the love of my life! A man who (after 8 years) makes me feel special every day, a man i know would move heaven and earth for me if i asked him!

I look back at my 16 year old self with sadness because i know now that boyfriend was not worth even one tear i shed.

One day i know you will have the strength to do the same - remember one day at a time and talk!

X


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Dakota, please take the advice of others here. Please heal yourself first - I know the pain is so hurtful. (but he's showing you he only cares about his feelings). 
If you could deal with one thing at a time. Put him on hold if you cant let him go yet. 
Deal with yourself first and then you will see things more clearly.

My advice is to go to the library today and read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men". By Lundy Bancroft.


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## annon19 (Sep 10, 2012)

Like Don'tStopBelieving, I lurk and just registered to respond to this post. Samantha, I know where you're at right now. I've been there and I've had a very close friend go through it. I know that wild, uncontrollable feeling that you MUST contact him RIGHT NOW or it feels like you literally won't be able to go on, no matter what horrible things you know he is going to throw at you it's better than nothing.

You feel this way because of deep issues within yourself, probably resulting from childhood. I too had an alcoholic father and a verbally abusive mother, had trouble making friends and relied on my boyfriends to be my world. I used them to be my comfort and my validation but in the end NO healthy relationship can last with that kind of dynamic. Samantha, you are a damaged person, but you are also a good person. I am a total stranger and I can see it in your posts. You have gone through a great trauma and came out standing. Do not underestimate yourself and your abilities. You have the POWER, CONTROL, and RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF to take hold of these issues and kick this ABUSER to the curb. You know if you look at this situation objectively (the MURDER threats, verbal abuse, and projection) that your boyfriend is an abuser who you must leave. He is 100% at fault for his horrible and malicious actions.

I also know you are not in a place to just "up and leave". I know that you can't just decide not to contact him. Remember, I've been there and hated myself and felt like the weakest and most pathetic creature to ever live. I'll tell you how I did it: I realized that no matter how miserable I was, I would live through it. But I might not live through an abusive relationship. Getting out is what I NEEDED to do and would do NO MATTER WHAT. Make that your FIRST and ONLY goal. Pick up the phone right now and make an appointment for therapy (if you have no insurance, try your university. They will have free counseling services). Therapy is absolutely crucial. That will become your light at the end of the tunnel because every time you go you feel a little stronger, think a little clearer, and be a little bit closer to your goal. As you go to therapy, throw yourself in to ANYTHING to distract yourself. Go through your phonebook and start calling people - who cares if you havent spoken in awhile? Join a club, go to Starbucks and chat with the barista, talk to people in your classes, join a dating website. You need to build a support system so that you dont have 100% of your emotional needs being "met" by this man. Then and most likely only then will you be able to completely emotionally detach and kick this creature to the curb where he belongs. I know this is long, but one more piece of advice: STOP DRINKING/DOING ANY SORTS OF DRUGS! Get that stuff out of your house. It will only destabilize you and allow your mind to be further manipulated by him. 

So many people are here to support you and I know you can do it!! I did, and to go through the trauma you did, you are stronger than I ever was. If you ever truly feel like you may hurt yourself or others, PLEASE PLEASE call a suicide hotline or go to the hospital. You can get through this and THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck and the happiness you deserve.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dakotaice said:


> *He admits he is abusive, but he blames me and tells me "I made him this way." *Can you imagine what that feels like? To be told everyday that I have ruined someone's mind in such a way that I've turned a nice person emotionless and cruel?


Sorry to break it to you sweetie, but ALL ABUSERS SAY THIS.

They always blame everyone for everything that they do. They have zero personal accountability/repsonsibility.

Please go to your library and get the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. There is a wealth of information.

Stay away from this jerk.

When you have built up some self esteem and strength and someone comes at you with that "you made me do this" bullsh!t you will LAUGH in their face and tell them "Oh really now? I made you do it? No. You did this yourself. I am not responsible for YOUR actions. That's on you."

Delete/block his #, get counselling.

Time and absolutely NO CONTACT are the only ways to get ovber someone. Write that down and memorize it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dakotaice said:


> This is getting very hard. I am still trying to contact him, and he ignores me.
> 
> I don't know how to stop contacting him, I'm the weakest person on the planet.


UM STOP.
You KNOW how to STOP contacting someone? By stopping contacting them.
You are your own worst enemy right now. 
Where there is a will there is a way so just stop it.
Would you advise any of your girlfriends to stay with a guy who tells them he hates them and hopes he dies and says to leave him alone/he wants nothing to do with them? WOuld you? NO you wouldn't so take your own advice. 

Until you actually learn to stand up for youself you are in for a long hard road.

This guy doesn't care about you. 

You need to care about you. 

STOP playing games and totally block this dude from your life/phone/WOW/Facebook/everythin.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

DontStopBelieving, your post meant so much to me. I was in such a bad place this morning. Waking up feeling hopeless is the worst feeling in the entire world. I also feel, as you did at 16, that I'll never get over him, and I'll have to go through an entire slew of men I'm "not that interested in" again before I find someone else like him. It TERRIFIES me that I thought I knew what love was--that I had so immensely settled in the past. My past boyfriends didn't love me and I didn't love them either. I don't want to wait five years to find someone who makes me have butterflies as long as 2 years after meeting them. The butterflies phase quickly melted away in my past relationships. This is what made him so different. He made my heart flutter even after I knew him for a long time, something I had never felt before. Something I want to feel again one day. I am so glad you found that someone for you.. I feel as if my past (my mother, in particular) chains me down and makes me chase after men who don't treat me right. I can honestly say I've never dated someone that treated me the way I should have been treated. I can't help but see the same pattern in my future....

Readytogo, I started a very important internship today. I work downtown with company executives, lawyers, business owners, entrepreneurs, people going places--exactly where I need to be. The internship is an overwhelming amount of work, something I am totally prepared for and looking forward to. I need something that is going to distract me as much as possible. I met so many new people, and I love all my co-workers. Going to my first day today really helped, especially coupled along with all of you guys' encouraging posts. I do feel as if I have something to look forward to now. The internship calls for lots of after-hours swanky ****tail parties with highly educated and motivated people, like I said, so hopefully I'll meet someone new that has their head on straight. I've always been a smart girl and cared deeply about my education and career, but for some reason I've never hung around the right "crowd." I hadn't been looking for love in the right places, but now that I'm working downtown in such a high profile internship/position I feel as if I've got my best shot right now. I went out to lunch with the vice president of the company I work for today at a very nice restaurant downtown and got looked at by men in suits--something I've never experienced before and it felt good. 

Anon, your post hit home the most. That feeling you describe, a feeling of panic, is exactly how I feel when I lose control of myself and want to talk to him. I absolutely PANIC. You can even tell in the differences of tone between my posts from this morning and now that I was frantic. Your description of how I feel hit the nail on the head, and made me feel so, so, so much better that someone else, I know for absolute fact because they've explained it to me, has felt this terrible feeling. It comes and goes now throughout the day, although I hardly thought about him at ALL during business hours because I was busting my ass at my new job, when night time rolls around it really starts to come back full force. I hadn't been home five minutes and I already began to feel that rush.. my heart beating faster, my chest burning, my hands shaking, like I absolutely had to talk to him. I almost texted him, but didn't. I am absolutely living minute by minute. You are also absolutely right that I cling to my boyfriends because of deep issues within myself. My mother being an alcoholic has taught me that people who love each other abuse each other. My entire childhood I watched my mother abuse my father verbally and me physically--I watched a destructive marriage. I had the WORST example of love to take with me into my adult life. My therapist told me, "in all honesty," my mother really, truly mentally messed me up. Children of alcoholic parents are people pleasers and let everyone walk all over them for fear of making anyone angry. I am such a weak person because of her. I say "I'm sorry" way too much over everything--my boss told me today within an hour of showing up to work it is annoying and I need to be MUCH more confident. It doesn't come that easily. I have no confidence and that is due to a lot of factors.. the rape, my ex boyfriend, but mostly my mother. I was never good enough for her when I was little, she'd rather get drunk than have anything to do with me. I couldn't have friends over because my family wasn't like everyone else's. She set me up to be lonely. I would give the world and a half to have a sibling right now, sincerely. But even that I view her as being selfish. When I was a baby my dad had lymphoma, and before chemotherapy my parents had time to try for a second baby. My mom said no because I was too much work as it was, and dropped me off at my grandmother's house while my dad was sick in the hospital because "she couldn't deal with me at the time." I suffered through her alcoholism, depression, and ultimately the rest of my life alone because she didn't want to go through a second "baby phase." When my parents die, I will have absolutely no one on this Earth that I know will love me unconditionally the way family members do. Even if I meet the MAN of my DREAMS, I could never say for 100% fact he would love me forever, or always listen to me when I needed him the way someone can count on a brother or sister. I have no one to talk to right now, but you guys. You guys are the only people who will listen to me.

Jellybeans, I appreciate your continuous support throughout this entire thread. I honest to GOD am trying so hard not to contact him. I am trying very, very hard, but as annon19 said, I just don't think I can expect myself to let him go with a drop of a hat. You are more confident than me. You have higher standards. When you are down as low as I am right now, feeling worse than the dirt, worse than that nasty sun-dried gum on the parking lot pavement, it is very hard to stop talking to someone you were once dependent on. He was my emotional backbone, the entire structure of my life. There was never any talk for one second of him moving to come be with me.. from the very beginning I flung myself to his feet and was willing to make all the changes I had to in order to be with him. I just have no self respect.

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow, so hopefully very soon I will get some medical help as far as my depression goes. I am so excited about this internship and the doors it is going to open for me. I seriously met 50 people today, and didn't think of him but maybe once or twice in 8-9 hours. It gets me out of the house, around new people, and kept busy. Although I am not Christian, things perfectly timed such as this internship, make me think there is someone up there pulling the strings. I absolutely needed something like this to FORCE me out of my room and off that game, to meet people in the real world who are doing real things with their lives.

I thank each and every single one of you down to my heart for taking the time out of your day to respond to me. Although they are just posts on a thread from strangers, there have been moments where I was honestly ready to kill myself. I was in absolute despair, and this website has been my life support. I'm NOT okay yet, I'm not anywhere close to being over him, but I believe I'm taking my life in the right direction. 

I got a bunch of weird e-mails today from Instagram saying someone was trying to reset my password. My ex would always say I used Instagram to "stalk" the guy that raped me because I was interested in him. My ex absolutely thought my rapist and I had something going on. I don't know if that was him today trying to get onto my account, or if someone just honestly misspelled their own e-mail address or username, but it was weird. Throughout the relationship I wasn't allowed to have a Facebook, and the few times I did have one he had to know the password and would regularly get on it to "check up" on me. He also was going through my deleted voice mails when he found out about the rape... he is the snoopy type....


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

You have seen how keeping busy can help you. It keeps your mind off of him. Do you have someone you can call at night when it's the most difficult? Having someone to call that can help you resist the temptation to contact him could help. 

When I was 20 years old I had been married for 1 year and had my first baby. I was living in out of state and had no friends or family...no real support. I would cry all the time. I knew nothing about taking care of a baby, I was sleep deprived, probably had post partum depression. I thought I made a huge mistake by having a baby and that my life was over..I wanted to die and felt so guilty because I had a baby that was depending on me. Looking back, I wish someone had just told me that things were going to get better...in a few months, the baby would be sleeping through the night and I'd get some rest. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and there was no one there to tell me the things that would have helped me. So, I'm telling you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will look back on this time and it will make you stronger. Nothing else you have to face in your life will even compare....because you made it through Hell on earth.

I had a bad childhood with alcoholism too. Spent my entire childhood wishing I was an adult and then my life would be so good because I would make it that way. I saw all the mistakes my parents made and knew I wouldn't do those things. I didn't realize how much damage they had done to me. I needed counseling and didn't get it until many years later...Proper counseling is so important.

I was addicted to a relationship once like you are right now...I couldn't sleep, work, eat, or function in any way. I thought I was going to die. But, I moved back home which was 5 states away, and I got better, day by day, with the support of my family and friends. I stopped crying myself to sleep within a few weeks. The hole in my heart closed a little more every day. And within a few months I was feeling good again. A year later, I didn't know why I was so devastated. You will too. There is a light and you will see it very soon...believe it.


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## DontStopBelieving (Sep 10, 2012)

dakotaice said:


> DontStopBelieving, your post meant so much to me. I was in such a bad place this morning. Waking up feeling hopeless is the worst feeling in the entire world. I also feel, as you did at 16, that I'll never get over him, and I'll have to go through an entire slew of men I'm "not that interested in" again before I find someone else like him. It TERRIFIES me that I thought I knew what love was--that I had so immensely settled in the past. My past boyfriends didn't love me and I didn't love them either. I don't want to wait five years to find someone who makes me have butterflies as long as 2 years after meeting them. The butterflies phase quickly melted away in my past relationships. This is what made him so different. He made my heart flutter even after I knew him for a long time, something I had never felt before. Something I want to feel again one day. I am so glad you found that someone for you.. I feel as if my past (my mother, in particular) chains me down and makes me chase after men who don't treat me right. I can honestly say I've never dated someone that treated me the way I should have been treated. I can't help but see the same pattern in my future....
> QUOTE]
> 
> Firstly congratulations on your internship!!! Make sure you feel very proud of this - because you should do.
> ...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you want me to be honest?

you both dont know what love is

you both have messed up lives

you both will destroy yourselves and suffer because of your actions

this is unhealthy

you need help both of you

best of luck. please seek psychological help its not healthy to think like this you seem to have some other issues going on. Realize this guy is not worth it.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

i hope you do not see that post as me trying to be mean. I am trying to help but i want to be truthful and show reality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dakotaice said:


> Jellybeans, I appreciate your continuous support throughout this entire thread. I honest to GOD am trying so hard not to contact him. I am trying very, very hard, but as annon19 said, I just don't think I can expect myself to let him go with a drop of a hat. You are more confident than me. You have higher standards. When you are down as low as I am right now, feeling worse than the dirt, worse than that nasty sun-dried gum on the parking lot pavement, it is very hard to stop talking to someone you were once dependent on. He was my emotional backbone, the entire structure of my life. There was never any talk for one second of him moving to come be with me.. from the very beginning I flung myself to his feet and was willing to make all the changes I had to in order to be with him. I just have no self respect.


I totally understand how separating yourself from someone you've cared about is hard... but you can do it. if you really want to. You say you are "trying" not to contact him but it's really simple: don't contact him. Really think about the things he has said and done to you. He is a controlling, abusive jerk. You can have standards too as soon as you realize you'e much better than the stuff he is doling out. Not only that, but this guy has already told you repeatedly he doesn't want you in his life. Believe him. Dude is actually doing you a HUGE favor.

It's a good thing you are going to see your doctor. There was life before this guy and there will be life afterwards. Concentrate on being the best you and finishing up your studies with good grades. Get help for your depression. Surround yourself with people who care about you, not ones that bring you down and don't care.


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

Apparently he continues to read this thread and is now angry with me all over again because I said men in suits looked at me and I liked it. I called him cruel and heartless. He said I did this to myself

I've lost all sense of reality, I can't make him happy

I go all day without talking to him, he texts me and my world falls apart. I lay on the floor of my room and cry for hours and hours and hours. I tried to watch suicide prevention videos and they say "think of all the people who would miss you" ...... absolutely no one would miss me but my mom and dad


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## dakotaice (Sep 7, 2012)

For all of you saying "there will be life afterwards"

I just don't believe you, I love each and every one of you for responding, but a part of me feels as if no one has felt pain like this or else they wouldn't tell me"life will go on without him"

I am so low, in a place so dark, so alone, utterly alone, no friends, no family who lives close to me, nothing, I have _nothing_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Dakotaice,

If you are feeling like hurting yourself, I would encourage you to call 911 and go to the Emergency Room. Also, I think that you would benefit from calling a suicide hotline.

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-273-TALK
Also, please visit this site that has a list for suicide hotline for your state. 

If you need to talk, please do not hesitate to PM someone. These feelings are only temporary, and with appropriate treatment, you will feel better about life again.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dakota, I sent you a PM. Please, please don't do anything you can't take back. There are people who can help you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dakotaice said:


> Apparently he continues to read this thread and is now angry with me all over again because I said men in suits looked at me and I liked it. I called him cruel and heartless. He said I did this to myself



WHY did you tell him about this thread? WHY have you told this guy anything after the awful things he's said to you? WHY are you still speaking to him? You shoulda told him "Yes, men in suits did check me out and it made me feel awesome vecause I'd rather have that then some guy telling me he wants 0 part of my life and to leave him alone and he hopes I die" then hung up on him.

Do this: Call up you cell company and have his # blocked. Completely. So that he cannot contact you.

The only reason any of this is still happening is because you are allowing it. You are enabling his abusive behavior because you haven't shut him down yet.

There was life before him and life after him. Life goes on no matter what dear. You need to get yourself together and start seeing him for who he is, now who he wants you to be. 

I get that you appreciate all of our comments and what not but it has to start with you.

Until YOU change something about your situation (by ending all contact with this d*uche) you can expect to be in your same situation. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. 

Stop feeding into this idiot's BULLSH!T and start doing that by blocking his #. Stop staying in touch with him. LOok at what it's doing to you. 

Talk to your mom and dad about what's going on. They love you.


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## DontStopBelieving (Sep 10, 2012)

DakotaIce,

Re-read what you have written - all the advice you have been given, all your sadness and pain you are pouring out and all he can pick out is men looked at you! 

JellyBeans is so right on this - he abusive to the nth degree and his sense of reality is severely skewed!! We can all see how much you are hurting and we don't even know you and he has been with you in person and he cant!!!

There is nothing you can do to change this person and you will learn there is nothing you can do to change anyone! You can only change yourself when you want to.

Your mum and dad will miss you terribly if you do anything - dont doubt they wont - it may not be conventional grief but look up loosing a child and see how it destroys a mother or father - you are a good person and i know you do not really want to kill yourself, we know you just want it all to stop but you have to find some strength from somewhere - if you dont keep a diary you should.

We all go through things/ break ups that hurt us and we all feel it differently but we manage to move on - as the saying goes "hindsight is a wonderful thing" but you have to move forward to gain this perspective on life. If you were to go back in time and speak to yourself when you were hurting - face to face and say it gets better you still would not believe yourself.

Being a kind person you are looking for the goodness in this man who you loved - but for some reason that has gone, you are hoping he will change, that he will say "baby i love you and i am sorry" but he could not be more clear that he wont.

Please take others advice and phone someone, some suicide sites have people you can chat to online if you find it easier - they are all very nice people who dont judge you.

There are so many people who love you honey! One breath at a time, one footstep at a time, dont lie on the floor and cry - put the tv on, a film on, watch rubbish on youtube - anything to take your mind off him, and delete his number.

X


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How are you holding up Dakota?


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Dakota, I loved seeing your post about your new job/internship. You seemed to be doing so good. Please take everyones advice. We all are going through or have gone through some tough things. Please reach out. We care about you! Block this guy - and keep talking to family, friends and here. Please send us an update.


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## madnessinlove (Feb 19, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Dakota, perhaps he is bipolar. But that is not what you are describing. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found ten clear differences between the two disorders.
> 
> *One difference* is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _hating you_. Significantly, you mention nothing at all about mania or depression occurring. Instead, you describe a man who flips back and forth between loving you deeply and hating you deeply.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to say that this post is full of incorrect assertions. There are many, many 'types' of bipolar symptoms, they are not always 'very slow changes', etc. Please, everyone do some real research before accepting sweeping remarks.


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