# He says he's getting better, while I'm getting worse



## sparrowChild

Hi,
I'm new here. So a little about me. I'm 23 years old and have been married for 3 years this February. My husband has an opiate problem. Right before we got married he went through a rehab, which did no good. He got worse actually, and began flirting with the needle. While he has been "needle sober" for about 6 months now, he still takes opiates. 
Come March, he will be entering a new rehab program. I see him trying. And It makes me very happy that he suggested and took the steps needed to enter this new rehab.
However, after 3 years I am almost done.
Honestly, I love him so dearly. And he always says, "without you I'd be (something bad)" or "without you I'd be dead". And while that is sweet all I can think is "without you I'd be richer, happier, further along in life..." It just makes me so angry that I have made his life so much better while he has made mine worse. 
He constantly lies and steals. I can't even trust my gut anymores these days because he plays such head games and lies lies lies constantly. In fact I almost don't care about his drug problem anymore its just that he LIES ALL THE TIME. He lies and steals. Constantly. Last month he stole over $1,000. I mean, I am a full time student and worker. He does not work. He has not worked since we said I do. 
I love him so much, but I wonder if when 5 years past I will look back and see my wasted life. Wasted potential. 
I pray that things will get better when he enters rehab. Even if they don't, atleast I will get some relief. It sounds awful, but just looking at him now makes me angry. Everything he does makes me sooo mad.
But, when he is trying...do i have the right to be angry? Addiction is a disease. But honestly, shouldn't I have a moment to hate him? To be angry about all the broken promises and lies. Don't I have that right?
But everyone keeps telling me to support him and care for him while he tries to get clean. That he needs my support now more than ever...well, where is my support? Isn't marriage supposed to be a 2 way street?
And he complains of our lack of intimacy all the time. Well, guess what. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I mean he is still good looking. But attractive? No. How can I be sexually attracted to some one who needs me like a child? Someone who offers me no comfort, no security, no trust.
And then to top it all off, I feel awful for having these feelings.
If anyone is in the same boat or has any suggestions or anything, please respond. 
I have felt alone every since I got married. And I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Telling you that without you he'd kill himself/be dead/be nothing, etc. is pure MANIPULATION. You are NOT responsible for his poor choices! 

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to get out now. You've already invested 3 years into a parent/child relationship with a grown man. 

So he's needle-clean, but not REALLY clean. Now he wants to try rehab AGAIN. Good! Seriously, good for him! That doesn't mean that you have to support/wait/contribute in any way to him doing so. If he wants to clean up, he needs to do it on his own AND for himself only or it will NEVER "take".

Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and USE IT like a workbook. Answer every question at the end of every chapter. Write down your answers so you can refer back to them. When you're done, you will have a much better understanding of YOU and *why* you chose to be in this unhealthy relationship. Knowing that will keep you from repeating the pattern (the knowledge PLUS the further self-help reading you should do). 

I advise you get out now BEFORE there are "accidental" children brought into this mess. He is not in a position to be anyone's partner much less anyone's father/role model!

Please take care of YOU; you'll have plenty of work to get yourself emotionally healthier for future relationships!

*HUGS* and godspeed on doing the necessary work to get healthy!


BTW: Who exactly is "everyone" who "keeps telling me to support him and care for him while he tries to get clean"? Is it your parents? Your siblings? His parents? His siblings? Your friends? His friends? Church members? Who EXACTLY?


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## oddball

So how is working his recovery. Is in an outpatient programme, or is he in NA or AA. Does he read about recovery? Therapy? Or is he just lying and stealing and getting high while waiting for the next rehab stint? Overcoming addiction requires actions, not words.

If I were you Id run.


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## CallaLily

Since the only person you can help is yourself, my suggestion to you is seek some therapy for yourself, and even a program for loved ones involved with an addict, and start possibly making your exit plan. This will be your life, unless he does a complete turn around.


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## sparrowChild

Thank you for the book suggestion. I ordered it off of Amazon this morning! Now to answer any questions or responses, I'll just go in order. So, no accidental children for us. Birth control all day everyday. I'm only 23. And besides my childish husband, I'm not having kids till after I finish my degrees and get a stable job with benefits. 
"Everyone" is all of our friends, his family, and even this one pastor I spoke to. My family on the other hand are begging for a divorce. I'm considering, but I want to give him the chance with this rehab first. Call me dumb, but I think everyone deserves a chance. Plus, I've had substance abuse issues of my own. However, I've been clean for 2 1/2 years. So I know the struggle. I think that is one reason it makes me so angry. I've been there. I beat it. Why can't he? 
His "recovery" at the moment consists of sitting at the house, playing video games, and going to an NA meeting once a week. It's not enough. 
And yes, all I hear are words. I rarely see action. Him setting up his rehab program, calling in everyday in front of me without having to be reminded, and cleaning the house everyday are actions I am seeing. And that is more than it has been in awhile.
On making an exit plan:how does one do that? Especially when you are essentially sending one to the streets? I've been there. I don't want to send anyone else there. His family won't take him. I've thought about kinda leaving him at rehab, but that won't really work. I have to agree to pick him up when his 3 months is over or they won't take him. His rehab is going to be 3 states away so I will not be visiting while he is there. Maybe looking into halfway homes that would take him would be good? I mean, would it be right to just drop him off and dip? That just seems...well, rude. 
I hope no one is offended by my back and forth logic....I know people get frustrated and don't understand why I stay...but, well unless you've been there I'm sure its hard to understand. 
Thank you for the comments. Please keep it coming. Discussions are helping my brain sort things out, I believe.


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## CallaLily

Bottom line you will need to decide what you want for your life. Its great he attends NA, but its not enough, he will likely need intensive therapy. 12 step programs such as NA or AA are great for helping one stay sober but it doesn't deal with the actual addiction or addictive process. If a person has an addictive personality for example, once they quit one addiction its likely they will move on to another one, unless one learns coping skills etc.


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## wonderinggirl

Your story sounds so much like mine, only I have been in this a lot longer...married over 20 years, he's been doing drugs on and off for at least 12 years. Done rehab, counseling, etc. We even separated briefly, which I thought "did the trick". 
I also get the suicide threats and have even seen him attempt it. Tried getting help with that too. I love him very much but I am very unhappy. I am stuck with no way out.
I'm probably not one to give advice since I have not been able to help myself, but know that you are not alone. I know how much you need someone to talk to, that is why I came to this site. I have nowhere else to turn. If you are like me, you feel as though you are losing your mind and you cant do anything about it.
It is good you dont have kids. I do, and have seen the damage all this has caused them.
I have all the same feelings and thoughts you mentioned. I would love to know if the book helps, maybe I should try it too. Keep us informed. I hope things get better for you. Who knows, maybe we can help each other.


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## Jellybeans

I know someone who's partner has been struggling with opiate addiction for over a decade now. He tries to ween off but always goes back. Opiates are extremely hard to come off of, to beat as an addiction. 

I personally wouldn't be able to be with someone who was into that. The addiction is bad enough, but needles put you at a huge risk. Also, what about a family? I wouldn't want to begin a family with someone who was high all the time off opiates.

He has to want to get better and actually do it (for himself). You can support him but ultimately, it's up to him to stop it. Addiction is no joke.


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## Pluto2

It sounds like there is resentment on your part, and I completely understand.
There is nothing wrong with you setting benchmarks for staying in the relationship. And what are you asking of him-to be a productive member of society and a life partner. I understand about the out-of-state rehab, but nothing is a guarantee. The idea about a half-way house sounds promising.
Assuming you are willing to wait it out for the three months, then let him know the conditions of his return. Get a job, get off the video games, and absolute honesty. Really this isn't asking a lot from a spouse. If he can't find a job, then find a meaningful volunteer position. The first time he is dishonest about anything the marriage is over. Be brutally honest. Tell him the toll of living with his addiction is destroying the relationship and you can only take so much.
Have you tried a local al-anon group to help you? I am all for accepting who he is, but not at the expense of losing yourself.
Good luck


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## turnera

Honestly, as soon as I saw the word 'steals' I stopped reading.

There is NO REASON to stay married to a person who steals. Period.

Let the state take care of him. They'll be harder on him than you are and won't fall for his manipulation. Frankly, that's the only way he'll get better. Leaving him can help him.


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