# What's up with all the abuse???



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I met a girl the other day. We seem to hit it off and have great chemistry, but something is bugging me lately. 

She has some obvious trust issues and I can definitely see and feel a lot of pain within her. It became really clear when we were getting intimate. 

...and I don't know if I can be in a long-term relationship with a woman like that. I am wondering if I should just end this early. You see my ex-wife had trust issues and was abused emotionally and physically. She never opened up to me and that caused all sorts of problems. In the end, it didn't work out and the core truth was that I was not able to sympathize or understand what she went through and I was always accused of being cold and lacking empathy. She was right. I have no clue what it's like to abused. Yes all women are different but I still refuse to repeat the same mistake. 

Bit about me...I am the type of guy that can discuss literally anything at anytime and the only thing that seems to bother me is when people disrespect my house by not cleaning up after themselves. Truth is, I don't lack empathy and I can be sympathetic, but I have 0 trust issues. I am a very detached person and to an outsider I could easily be perceived as a goof or a ****. I am extremely care-free and optimistic. 

And it's been tough. I'm slowly understanding what my shaman teacher told me; "that there are many people with many problems and this physical plane is in a way like a massive hospital. There are lots of people needing healing and you must not forget the healing you have done on yourself to become whole again."

I don't think I want to be in a long-term relationship with a woman with trust issues and I can't help how I feel. I don't know how to tell her this. Here I am in the now, and come, completely open, to talk about anything or to feel deeply, to give you my everything on the drop of a hat, and people just aren't used to that. People get fearful and doubtful. I'm getting tired of it. I don't think I am being impatient either and I can't help but look ahead at what may come. 

Last week, I had three friends approach me and tell me how they were sexually abused via Tinder. Guy comes over, starts taking advantage of her, woman is helpless, guy leaves, woman calls the cops and family/friends and so forth. I am getting really sick and tired of hearing about men abusing women and having to deal with the aftermath. 

Anyways, it's part rant and it's also part inquiry. Everybody has problems in one way or another, and I accept everybody for everything, good and bad....but this whole sexual intimacy trust thing...this is aggravating me. 

I am asking too much to find a partner who has not been sexually abused? Is this what dating in the 21st century has become?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You just met this woman the other day and are already having intimacy issues??


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Everyone has trust issues.

The question is, does she like roller coasters? Is she brave? Is she willing to take an emotional risk? What conditions does she need in order to take emotional risks and be open and transparent?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You just met this woman the other day and are already having intimacy issues??


We hung out just as friends (not really dates) 3-4 times. I actually anticipated only being with friends with her, but we were chilling, the chemistry was good and we ended up kissing and cuddling all night.

I don't know if there are intimacy issues or not. She said she didn't want to have sex and wanted take things slow. That's understandable. 

And um yeah. This one was an exception because we just want to be friends. In the end we both expressed it, and I was really happy about that. In the dating world, for me, if by the 5th-6th date she's still unwilling to have sex with me, I'm out. It's not about the sex and that's the whole point.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Everyone has trust issues.
> 
> The question is, does she like roller coasters? Is she brave? Is she willing to take an emotional risk? What conditions does she need in order to take emotional risks and be open and transparent?


Very true!

I don't think it's going to work with this girl anyways. She's, umm...too nice... As weird as it is to say that, I must admit it's kind of a turn off for me. I like a woman with some backbone, who is not afraid to hurt or step on someone else's toes. Probably what attracted me to my ex-wife..........>:grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2:

My main thing I brought up was the abuse thing. Hey guys, how many women have you dated lately that upfronted admitted to having been sexually abused? Have you seen an increase in the past 3-5 years?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Sounds like something about these women attracts you to them. It may seem that everyone you meet has a history of abuse and/or trust issues as a result, but I can bet money you find something about them attractive....maybe it's that they appear vulnerable or weak or needy or something that you haven't even considered....same theory as men who marry a cheater, then remarry and their 2nd wife cheats as well....

Do women with no trust issues intimidate you perhaps? It could all be playing out unconsciously.....

There are plenty of women who have not been abused and would trust though as some previously stated, trust is harder to come by these days in general with everyone thinking they deserve a fairy tale that lasts 50 years.....


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

McDean said:


> Sounds like something about these women attracts you to them. It may seem that everyone you meet has a history of abuse and/or trust issues as a result, but I can bet money you find something about them attractive....maybe it's that they appear vulnerable or weak or needy or something that you haven't even considered....same theory as men who marry a cheater, then remarry and their 2nd wife cheats as well....
> 
> Do women with no trust issues intimidate you perhaps? It could all be playing out unconsciously.....
> 
> There are plenty of women who have not been abused and would trust though as some previously stated, trust is harder to come by these days in general with everyone thinking they deserve a fairy tale that lasts 50 years.....


I've thought about this in great detail. 

Maybe, but it's not that I am intimidated, it's that I have yet to meet a woman without trust issues. 

I won't lie - I absolutely hate women who play hard to get. I don't have time for that crap, games or chasing, especially when in reality I am only seeking platonic relationships. I am available now, and so when I meet a woman who is also available, regardless of why, it attracts me, because I don't have to jump through hoops to have a connection (and it's not about sex, it's about finding someone who is open to a connection with a stranger). Even just looking for friends I constantly get the feeling that they are thinking; "what's the catch?". It sounds crazy, but I am like that. I could talk and have fun with anybody and any age. There are never any strings attached with me. There is little that I am afraid of and I have no problem speaking my mind at any given time. I have never had problems meeting new people, regardless of the circumstance. It seems everyone else has problems meeting strangers. I don't get it. In the past my own trust into the world has screwed me over, so I know my boundaries and I am not that typical nice guy who gets walked over anymore. Is it me projecting my own insecurities and thus attracting those women, or am I (like my gut tells me) simply not being available in the right places. Maybe my detachment is coming off as inconsiderate... 

Sometimes I honestly feel like it's impossible to meet a beautiful woman without her trying to think you are trying to **** her. And I get it, they probably get hit on a lot and have a lot of guards up... I seem to have gotten to the point where I don't even bother initiating contact anymore and not because of some fear of rejection. I am just tired of wasting my time and have more important things to do. 

I am not lazy nor impatient either and I do have guards. 

For sure! I think that is what I am realizing. Trust is getting harder and harder to find. I have trouble expressing my mind on these forums without writing a book. Thanks for your post!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I always told DD24 to become friends with someone first and then see if they are dating material. When you're friends, you ARE open and honest and you're not trying to put on a fancy front to impress the other person. So fill your time with activities, where you're just doing things with people - taking classes, joining a club, volunteering, in a sport, going to church, etc. You can observe people and take it slow...and you'll be able to see what kind of people they are, and whether you think you'll be compatible. THEN you can ask people out. And have a better success rate at weeding out the incompatibles before you ask them out.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

The simple truth is that it takes time to get to know someone well enough to trust them. Seeking platonic relationships first is a good way to do that but not the only way. Beautiful women are used to getting hit on all the time & yes there are a lot of guys that do just want to have sex with them. 

It's very difficult to tell if someone is genuine, even for women like me who have always had plenty of platonic male friends & can hang out like one of the guys. It didn't take long though to figure out that any one of my single male friends would gladly have sex with me if I had shown interest in it, not because they wanted to be more than friends, but just because they'd like to bang me. 

So it makes women have to play hard to get more often because it helps weed out the ones who are really interested in them as a person. Although I preferred "auditioning" rather than playing hard to get (playing hard to get infers it's a game & feelings shouldn't be played with). Auditioning is dating someone & letting them show you what it'd be like to have them as a partner. So just be careful when you decide something is too much work or you don't have time for it. 

The fact is if you want a relationship it is going to take time and work, not just during the dating process but in order to keep your relationship strong. Hence the reason for the audition first. Not to play a game but to see if that person could fit the role you're seeking to fill.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

pragmaster said:


> I've thought about this in great detail.
> 
> Maybe, but it's not that I am intimidated, it's that I have yet to meet a woman without trust issues.
> 
> ...


I wonder if you realize you've got some "tells" that women might be picking up on.

"Harder and harder to meet a beautiful woman without her getting suspicious." Honey, unless she is totally paranoid, it is probably something you're doing.

Now you don't bother trying to make contact because ...it's a waste of time, meaning nothing ever comes of it, meaning you don't trust that your effort will be sufficiently rewarded? Isn't that trust too?

I just don't like to see the broad strokes paint brush. Seems the older I get the finer that paint brush becomes.

Approaching a woman with an attitude of friendly openness is all you can do no matter what. In a bar, at the grocery store, in a park, an open friendly attitude is the same thing in all of those places.

You might want to consider also, that trust is a decision and it goes both ways. Even if a woman doesn't trust you, you can still trust yourself that your behavior is above board and that trust you give yourself makes you appear to be...trustworthy. But if you're double checking yourself so as not to set off her trusdar, you come off as a little sneaky. A man who talks about being trusted, generally shouldn't be. A man who takes it for granted that he is trust worthy, doesn't have to prove a damn thing to anyone.

See what I'm saying?


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