# Married to a Nice Guy, but no Affection or Sex



## twilight101 (Sep 15, 2010)

While I'm glad I'm not alone, it makes me sad to see so many people in the same boat as me..

H and I have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We have 2 children, ages 5 and 7. We have no intimacy or sex in our marriage. We are like roommates that co-parent. Days will go by without him touching me at all - no hugs, good night kisses, nothing. We have sex every 3-4 months (see "the talk" below!)

Every few months, I break down and we have "the talk". I tell him I need intimacy to feel good about myself and our marraige. I pour my heart out about how I feel because he never wants to have sex or cuddle, kiss, etc. I offer to make a Dr. appt. to check his testosterone. I offer to set up appt. for counselling for us. He always says "you're right, you're right...I'll do better". Things get better for about a week and back to the same. 

He really seems to have no sex drive. When I met him, he was a 28 year old virgin (hello! red flag!). I thought it was sweet that he was so shy. He is always home, so no affair. I've asked him if he's gay...I don't think it's that either. 

I really don't want to put my kids through a divorce, but I am so resentful and unhappy. We don't argue, we actually get along quite well, so the kids are not currently being negatively impacted.

Any advice from the pros on this forum?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, here's my advice (and sorry for not responding to your previous post).

It sounds like you love your husband (obviously. . .you want sex with him) and I know a lot of us here at TAM villify the partner who is frigid. 

I don't want to villify him but his attitude and conduct suggests to me that perhaps he was not called to the institution of marriage. Maybe he wanted kids. Maybe he wanted a family. Maybe he wanted a partner. But it doesn't sound like he wanted or needed a wife, you know? That doesn't make him a bad person any more than it makes you a bad person for wanting sex/a marriage with some normalcy. (normality? I can never remember which word  )

I guess what I am saying is no matter how nice you are, how good and innocent your children are, this isn't going to work with a celibate marriage. I know it sucks to hear that. . . but there it is.

Your only other alternative is to have an affair/open marriage and I respect that too because I know a lot of us have been where you are at right now.

And I am starting to agree with the camp that it's better to do it now rather than when the kids go off to college and then they think, "Gee. . .Mom and Dad were together for X years and it was all a lie for me?"

A late adolescent/early adult doesn't need that kind of trauma when they are forming ideas about who they are in those years of life.

I am glad I did this now rather than waiting until my kids were grown (divorce).

In your case, you sound entitled to an annullment the longer he makes this marriage sterile (if you are at all religious about marriage).


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Wow....I really hope this isn't where my marriage is headed.


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## twilight101 (Sep 15, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Wow....I really hope this isn't where my marriage is headed.


Gee, thanks! That really makes me feel so much better!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

No, I didn't mean it that way at all....just that it really sounds like my marriage already and I hope it gets better. Sorry!!


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Maybe he just doesn't like the act of sex and shows his love via other means of communication. If this is the case then you both need to find out what your love languages are and then both compromise. It is really the only way to get past this issue - you can't just magically turn him into a sexual person when he clearly isn't. He probably loves you immensely, you just cannot see it because your love language is touch, whereas his probably is something different altogether. If this is the case, then there is no need to feel resentful because he really loves you, just not the act of sex itself. Pretty common these days from what I have been reading.


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## twilight101 (Sep 15, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> No, I didn't mean it that way at all....just that it really sounds like my marriage already and I hope it gets better. Sorry!!


Sorry to jump to conclusions...and sorry you're in the same boat.

Just feel really unsure of what to do. I swear it would help if there WAS something else really wrong, like we had screaming fights or something. Then it might be easier to figure out. But he's a good guy, doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, cheat. He's a good father, too.

It's going on 6 days since he has touched me AT ALL. It's been about 4 months since we've been intimate. Thank God I have my kids to hug!


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Quote: testosterone

If a man is overweighted, smoker, high chorestrol... his sex drive decreased.

Yes, I'm pretty sure your hubby is just an innocent man who lacks of testosterone, so he's having no interests.

Don't think too much because he simply needs a bit help from the doctor! He will recover very quickly that will repair his manhood ego also. 

Make an appointment for him and accompany him for a check up asap.

Trust me!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why on earth does someone get married if they hate sex? I can't wrap my head around that. If I don't like horses, I'm not hiring on to be a jockey. No law says anyone has to get married. Want to be celibate? Be celibate, but don't masquerade as a fully functional adult relationship partner when you're not. I don't understand folks who get married and then act annoyed when their partner expects them to perform as a spouse. If they wanted a roommate, they should have advertised for one. I wish these cold asexual beings could just find each other and link up, leaving the sexually healthy men and women alone.


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

Doesn't sound like 'the talk' is working.

So give up on that strategy. You have needs that are not being met. There are some v easy obvious ways to address that (meds / counselling, etc.)

You just need to be much clearer with him about the consequences of this not getting fixed. Be calm, be forthright and explain that this is an issue that needs to be addressed for you to stay in the marriage. 

The commitment you need from him right now IS NOT to go from zero intimacy to high sex drive / lots of intimacy. It is simply to acknowledge the problem and agree to explore all relevant avenues to fix it.

Good luck


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## buxfan (Sep 17, 2010)

I feel for you *twighlight101*. I am going through practically the same thing with my wife. We have two young kids and the only reason I am not considering divorce at this time is them. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/16883-total-lack-intimacy.html

Like *unbelievable* stated, why are we even married if sex isn't part of our relationship?


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

It is sad that some of us have the opposite W/H (or partners), one with high sex drive while the other it's not a priority. 

I'm in the situation like yours, wife listed as it's not a priority on her list. To many things on her mind. Yet they have hrs and hrs reading novels or surf the net or watchin tv.

It did help me a little by talking more, listing the reason why but it's not easy, the battle just keep on going. ok for a week and back again. The initiation is always me....


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## buxfan (Sep 17, 2010)

MotoDude said:


> I'm in the situation like yours, wife listed as it's not a priority on her list. To many things on her mind. Yet they have hrs and hrs reading novels or surf the net or watchin tv.


And with the constant barrage of sexual reminders in those mediums, you would at least think that the thought of sex would cross their mind: "Hey, I haven't had sex in a while with husband or wife. Maybe we should go roll in the hay."


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## princessbuttercup (Sep 27, 2010)

This is my first post, twilight, but it sounds as if we are in the same situation. Nice man, good father, good person....but no sex drive. We go about 30 months or so, then I have a "breakdown," we have some sort of sex, and then it starts again. I have mentioned low T, but my husband's doctor sort of poo-poo'ed it, so he didn't get tested. He is to the point that talking about it makes him feel bad, so he gets frustrated. I take care of things myself frequently, and he knows that, but it's not the same. The last time we talked, I did tell him that I had already considered that our kids are out of the house in about 6 years, and I would make some decisions if things weren't different. I figured he had a right to know that.

I hope things get better for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's unreasonable to withhold sex or intimacy from one's spouse. It's no more acceptable than adultary or flagrant non-support. It's the ultimate cruelty. One can't control their sex drive but with or without raging passion, each of us are capable of giving some form of intimate sexual pleasure to our spouse and it's our DUTY to do so.
I have no interest in eating pig ears, but they are important to my dogs, so I give them. I don't use feminine pads, but my wife needs them so I buy them. If we value our spouse even a tiny bit, we should feel obligated to attend to those things that are important to them whether we really feel like it or not. If the barrier is a medical thing, we should be standing on our doctor's desk, demanding the problem receive appropriate emphasis, even if the problem doesn't adversely affect us personally. Any man with a mouth or a finger can give his wife pleasure. Any woman with a mouth or one functioning hand can give her husband pleasure. There is no law that requires that we feel giddy about every service we perform for our spouse. Those who want to be married need to act married. Those who want to act single need to take the measures to be single.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Why on earth does someone get married if they hate sex? I can't wrap my head around that. If I don't like horses, I'm not hiring on to be a jockey. No law says anyone has to get married. Want to be celibate? Be celibate, but don't masquerade as a fully functional adult relationship partner when you're not. I don't understand folks who get married and then act annoyed when their partner expects them to perform as a spouse. If they wanted a roommate, they should have advertised for one. I wish these cold asexual beings could just find each other and link up, leaving the sexually healthy men and women alone.


Unbelievable stated in a more frank manner what I said about a marriage, while a person could be a nice person, doesn't mean they should be married.

This was a good post and one that echoed mine.

And yes, if anybody's marriage is like this, it's headed here. 

It's on a crash course for divorce.

I know I like to talk about sex all the time here and I frequent this forum the most out of all of them, but in the same breath, I will say, "It's not everything." I think TAM breaks it down well:

Family
Finances
Parenting
Religion,
Etc.

etc. . .but sex is kind of the "clincher" that separates a marriage out from other relationships.

I could be a well-off orphanage or an adopted parent and parent well. You could be religious, well off financially, and have 100% family support, but if you aren't having sex (unless perhaps you are both out of your reproductive years), it's really not a marriage.

Again, I repeat - it doesn't mean the uninterested partner isn't nice. . .it just means they shouldn't be married (barring any other kind of dysfunction).

And I don't think it's the partner's obligation to investigate every possible physical, mental and emotional possible dysfunction why while their reproductive years pass by year after year. Go ahead and explore a few avenues and then let the celibate partner figure it out for him/herself and wish them well.


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## Marespin (May 5, 2016)

I'm curious to know how things have turned out for you?


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

If you come from a religious background, the person may not know of until after marriage. So annulment or divorce or change.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Talk about thread necro. Going on what I read, I'd say gay 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

princessbuttercup said:


> This is my first post, twilight, but it sounds as if we are in the same situation. Nice man, good father, good person....but no sex drive. We go about 30 months or so, then I have a "breakdown," we have some sort of sex, and then it starts again. I have mentioned low T,* but my husband's doctor sort of poo-poo'ed it, so he didn't get tested. *He is to the point that talking about it makes him feel bad, so he gets frustrated. I take care of things myself frequently, and he knows that, but it's not the same. The last time we talked, I did tell him that I had already considered that our kids are out of the house in about 6 years, and I would make some decisions if things weren't different. I figured he had a right to know that.
> 
> I hope things get better for you.


There was just a article stating that the third leading cause of death in the US is medical mistakes. Docs give the air of knowing everything, a lot of them don't know sh!t!.

Find a different doc! Husband should love his spouse enough to pursue all options!


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

The fact that you don't argue is a huge red flag. It's not possible for two people to live together and never argue. It's highly possible that he has some deep seeded resentment towards you for whatever reason
and it causes him to feel disconnected from you. Unless he is physically ill then he does have a sex drive. Does he look at porn? Instead of talking about sex next time ask him to give an honest account of how he feels about
you and the marriage and MAKE SURE that you let him know that he won't be judged or attacked for his feelings. You might be surprised at what you find out.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Marespin said:


> I'm curious to know how things have turned out for you?


I'm curious to know why this board can't be reconfigured to censor bumping of stale threads (2010!) ahead of colorful language. Because it's way more fvcking annoying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I've seen this story play out a few times with some woman. In my honest opinion there is one person that is the sexually dominant person and will have to take the lead. Think of your right hand and your left hand. If you try to sign your own name with your left (or non dominant hand) will you even be able to recognize your own signature? If you take a spouse that has been sexually subdominant their whole life and expect them to take the lead, what are the realistic expectations? 

Things can improve. If you are the sexually dominant one, you will have to lead. Here are things that may help:

• DO NOT insist he is broken and needs a doctor. 95% chance he is healthy but has poor sexual self confidence.
• DO NOT force him to enjoy himself. Teach him how to pleasure you and compliment him the whole way. 
• DO NOT get upset when he rejects you, be confident so that he does not feel responsible for your happiness. 
• DO NOT hold him responsible for making you happy, be happy on your own and share that with him. 
• DO smile!
• DO laugh!
• DO exercise!
• DO whatever it takes to have FUN together non sexually.
• DO have a conversation about each other's masturbation habits. 
• DO encourage each other to fantasize about each other (desire needs distance), when you are apart. 
• DO be compassionate about personal space in the relationship.

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

This dynamic plays out many times. Women get tired of being objectified and treated poorly by Bad Boys so they hook up with a Nice Guy who treats them well and isn't "all about sex". The problem is, once she gets comfortable with the relationship, she wants it to become more sexual. At that point, the Nice Guy disappoints her sexually. The cruel reality is that if a guy is a 28 year old virgin, and you can't tell by looking at him (or knowing his religious background) exactly why that is, then he isn't all that interested in sex. And you shouldn't expect that he will be able to satisfy you sexually.

Yes, you could insist he gets T replacement. Yes, you could try to be confident and explore new ways to entice him sexually. But there is a good chance nothing will work and you will spend years trying to get blood from a stone. So invest the effort if you want to eliminate every possibility before you call it quits. But realize that the odds may not be in your favor.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

*ZOMBIE THREAD from 2010*

OP hasn't returned since.


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