# Lost a piece of your soul...



## RandomDude

Curious about the state of those who mentioned in their posts words like "losing a piece of their soul" or "not capable of trust again", is it simply lifelong?

I reckon I lost a piece of my soul, my mum told me that if my ex left she would take a large part of me with her and well, she was right. I'm practically soulless now, yet another reason why I stopped dating, having no love left to give while also finding casual sex empty and unforfilling. Although none of my exs ever cheated, I still feel a sense of not being able to trust again, like how to feel secure in a new relationship when I've loved and lost so many times?

Do you ever really find yourself again? I feel like I'm in a state of undeath, is it just me?


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## BeyondRepair007

RandomDude said:


> Curious about the state of those who mentioned in their posts words like "losing a piece of their soul" or "not capable of trust again", is it simply lifelong?
> 
> I reckon I lost a piece of my soul, my mum told me that if my ex left she would take a large part of me with her and well, she was right. I'm practically soulless now, yet another reason why I stopped dating, having no love left to give while also finding casual sex empty and unforfilling. Although none of my exs never cheated, I still feel a sense of not being able to trust again, like how to feel secure in a new relationship when I've loved and lost so many times?
> 
> Do you ever really find yourself again? I feel like I'm in a state of undeath, is it just me?


I think you find a different you. The one that was, is gone. Inocence lost is gone forever. The scars of that event never go away.

But on the bright side, the new you can be just as happy.


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## RandomDude

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I think you find a different you. The one that was, is gone. Inocence lost is gone forever. The scars of that event never go away.
> 
> But on the bright side, the new you can be just as happy with a new love.


The new me reminds me of the countless other emotionally unavailable middle aged men. I don't see the new me with a new love nor capable of one. Heck, my sex drive even died after scratching 'that' itch. I don't like the new me, he doesn't feel alive 😑

But zombie life is ok, I have enough in life to make it comfortable till I die.

Does one really come back to life after this? I don't know, my dad hasn't, after divorce he had a few phases but he's as miserable as me. We will both die alone I guess. Fate of my family I guess, including my mum even though she's remarried. Funny, in her youth she was likely one of the most beautiful women of our people, hell she still keeps her age and impresses everyone with her youth and beauty to this day, but, still lonely and alone. At least my daughter has better examples of a loving relationship from her mum's side of the family, dad's side is all messed up... errr, come to think of it, probably not, but it's better than nothing...


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## Numb26

I filled the part that was taken from me with something new, its a new me. Different then I was ago.

Trusting again is another story.


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## BeyondRepair007

RandomDude said:


> The new me reminds me of the countless other emotionally unavailable middle aged men. I don't see the new me with a new love nor capable of one. Heck, my sex drive even died after scratching 'that' itch. I don't like the new me, he doesn't feel alive 😑
> 
> But zombie life is ok, I have enough in life to make it comfortable till I die.


I thought about “with a new love” after I posted it and removed that bit. You can be happy without it.


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## RandomDude

Numb26 said:


> I filled the part that was taken from me with something new, its a new me. Different then I was ago.
> 
> Trusting again is another story.


Do you like your new you?

I don't like the new me, he's super anti-social and depressing 😑


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## Numb26

RandomDude said:


> Do you like your new you?
> 
> I don't like the new me, he's super anti-social and depressing 😑


I'm more social now then I was. Probably because I am not working as much. There are parts of the old me I miss but does no good to live in the past.


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## RandomDude

Numb26 said:


> I'm more social now then I was. Probably because I am not working as much. There are parts of the old me I miss but does no good to live in the past.


I need to find a new me I can live with then 😥

I can't live with this one, it's zombification. Yet I don't see me being anything else now but preparing for my death.


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## Numb26

RandomDude said:


> I need to find a new me I can live with then 😥
> 
> I can't live with this one, it's zombification.


Takes time. If I can come out of the absolute sh*tshow I went through, you can too.


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## RandomDude

Numb26 said:


> Takes time. If I can come out of the absolute sh*tshow I went through, you can too.


I'll just wait and smoke cones for another year then and see what changes. Got a feeling I will likely be the same as this year


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## Quad73

RandomDude said:


> Does one really come back to life after this? I don't know, my dad hasn't, after divorce he had a few phases but he's as miserable as me. We will both die alone I guess. Fate of my family I guess, including my mum even though she's remarried. Funny, in her youth she was likely one of the most beautiful women of our people, hell she still keeps her age and impresses everyone with her youth and beauty to this day, but, still lonely and alone. At least my daughter has better examples of a loving relationship from her mum's side of the family, dad's side is all messed up... errr, come to think of it, probably not, but it's better than nothing...


It can come back after time, with the right person. I met my wife about 6 years after a devastating breakup with my finance that left me in a state I don't care to recall or document here.

Thing is, she had to convince me. I remember I came home after meeting her thinking, she's just going to use me. So it wasn't a sudden shift or any realization that she was 'the one'. Far from it. But we've been together 20+ now.

I'd say, don't buy into the tale of being fated to a life of misery and emptiness. I'd been there and then some.


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## RandomDude

Quad73 said:


> It can come back after time, with the right person. I met my wife about 6 years after a devastating breakup with my finance that left me in a state I don't care to recall or document here.
> 
> Thing is, she had to convince me. I remember I came home after meeting her thinking, she's just going to use me. So it wasn't a sudden shift or any realization that she was 'the one'. Far from it. But we've been together 20+ now.
> 
> I'd say, don't buy into the tale of being fated to a life of misery and emptiness. I'd been there and then some.


If you're lucky, doesn't seem to be the reality for most. It's hard not to buy into the tale too when you see it, and your family lives it.

I seem to be at the crossroads of truth and acceptance, or denial and hope.


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## Quad73

RandomDude said:


> If you're lucky, doesn't seem to be the reality for most. It's hard not to buy into the tale too when you see it, and your family lives it.
> 
> I seem to be at the crossroads of truth and acceptance, or denial and hope.


Yeah, I do understand. I think about doom etc. far too often. I've had to train myself to remember the good, to weed out the crap as often as possible given my (newish) predisposition. I've never been the same after that breakup. Left me 3/4 dead, living as far from humanity as I could. 

She did take a big chunk out of me and until last year, it was on my mind almost every day. I'm not saying to put on any rose colored glasses, just maybe entertain the idea that you're not fated to what you describe unless you wish it upon yourself as some sort of penance. Life throws curveballs.


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## RandomDude

Quad73 said:


> Yeah, I do understand. I think about doom etc. far too often. I've had to train myself to remember the good, to weed out the crap as often as possible given my (newish) predisposition. I've never been the same after that breakup. Left me 3/4 dead, living as far from humanity as I could.
> 
> She did take a big chunk out of me and until last year, it was on my mind almost every day. I'm not saying to put on any rose colored glasses, just maybe entertain the idea that you're not fated to what you describe unless you wish it upon yourself as some sort of penance. Life throws curveballs.


3/4 dead, check. Living as far from humanity as I can. Check.
The last curveball life threw at me was crap, it was like to troll me, just exhausted me even more.


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## frusdil

This is heartbreaking @RandomDude  I think you're experiencing Clinical Depression.

To answer your question, YES. Yes, you absolutely can come back from devastation and find real and lasting love again. I did. I often say that my husband brought me back to life. He reignited something in me that I honestly thought was long dead. And at the time I was honestly ok with that, because if that "thing" was dead inside me, I couldn't get hurt again. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I was receptive to my husband. Had I met him even a year earlier, we probably wouldn't have worked.


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## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> I'll just wait and smoke cones for another year then and see what changes. Got a feeling I will likely be the same as this year


If you anesthetize with substances it will just stunt your progress.


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## SunCMars

_The hole that I dug, the hole I cannot escape from. 

Those Saturnian men finding me, forever trying to bury me._

...............................................................................................................

Our bodies are these mobile, tactile, sentient, thinking, chemistry sets.

Find your balance, that re-balance with.......

Exhausting aerobic exercise. 

And, maybe _prescribed chemicals_ from your doctor.
I sense....
You are already on_ them_.


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## RandomDude

Whelp, guess nothing to do but play the zombie lottery for our souls to be reawakened.

Nope, not on the SSRIs, just the cones.


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## Jimi007

Would you take your ex back if given the opportunity ?

Just curious 🤔 

My friends wife cheated on him , he found out , they are now in the divorce process. 

He honestly looks like Lazarus...
Like he has died but somehow is alive. 

I asked him the same question. He said yes if it was before he found out about her activities. 

He told me that he would Never marry again.

Somehow you have to fill the void. 

He is choosing religion. It doesn't pay to wallow in the mire or over think things.

They say time heaĺs all wounds , but does it ?

I'm sure you will find yourself


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## RandomDude

No way, she made the right decision for both of us. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

I'm not going back I'm just still trying to find my feet to move forward.


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## QuietRiot

My life fell apart. I’m still trying to build a new one. My heart was ripped out and stomped then set on fire. Then peed on. But… I have made the choice to work on building the best life I possibly can, do things I enjoy, and be grateful for everything that I’ve come through. I’m still alive. And I’m glad I have another chance to create something new.

Im not looking to date or find love, maybe ever. But there is also something so freeing about not having to worry about it.

Im sorry you feel so crappy. But I fully believe you can build a life you absolutely love regardless of having a girlfriend in it. Happiness is not something you find… it’s something you create.


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## RandomDude

Life just feels like it's in different shades of grey when once upon a time there was color, you know.

Ignorance was bliss. I miss my romantic innocence.


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## Diana7

Everything that happens to us in life affects us. I have had a few really traumatic and dreadful things happen, but in the end we can make that decision to get up on our feet again and carry on walking. It takes time, lots of time, but cutting ourselves off from the world is never the answer. 
Random dude, why not just join a group, take up an interest or hobby, do some volunteer work. Meeting people this way will enable you to make friends and put some colour back in your life. Isolating yourself is guaranteed to drain the colour from your life and keep you in the pit.


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## 342693

I’ve been divorced twice. The first one cheated, which oddly enough with time, I was able to get over. My attitude is her loss, my gain. It also helps she married the guy and is miserable 

But my second divorce did more of a number of me. Really thought she was my soul mate. I had taken 5 years to heal in between and was ready to love and trust. Totally gave her my heart. Two years into the marriage, I see a different side of her. 180 from who I dated and married. No adultery, but narcissist. I stayed way too long and it messed me up mentally. I could trust again, but I think the ability to love and give my heart 100% might be gone. Hoping time heals, but I may be done with serious relationships.


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## Diana7

SCDad01 said:


> I’ve been divorced twice. The first one cheated, which oddly enough with time, I was able to get over. My attitude is her loss, my gain. It also helps she married the guy and is miserable
> 
> But my second divorce did more of a number of me. Really thought she was my soul mate. I had taken 5 years to heal in between and was ready to love and trust. Totally gave her my heart. Two years into the marriage, I see a different side of her. 180 from who I dated and married. No adultery, but narcissist. I stayed way too long and it messed me up mentally. I could trust again, but I think the ability to love and give my heart 100% might be gone. Hoping time heals, but I may be done with serious relationships.


I am amazed that I was able to trust again and remarry after betrayals by 3 men in my life, and other awful things that happened, but here I am 17 years into my second marriage. Maybe I am fortunate in that I am naturally a trusting person and seem to be able to hang onto to that hope for the future? Not sure. It definitely takes time; it was 4 years before I could even think of dating again and 2 more before I met my now husband. Even then it took me quite a while to trust him, probably years,


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## happyhusband0005

RandomDude said:


> The new me reminds me of the countless other emotionally unavailable middle aged men. I don't see the new me with a new love nor capable of one. Heck, my sex drive even died after scratching 'that' itch. I don't like the new me, he doesn't feel alive 😑
> 
> But zombie life is ok, I have enough in life to make it comfortable till I die.
> 
> Does one really come back to life after this? I don't know, my dad hasn't, after divorce he had a few phases but he's as miserable as me. We will both die alone I guess. Fate of my family I guess, including my mum even though she's remarried. Funny, in her youth she was likely one of the most beautiful women of our people, hell she still keeps her age and impresses everyone with her youth and beauty to this day, but, still lonely and alone. At least my daughter has better examples of a loving relationship from her mum's side of the family, dad's side is all messed up... errr, come to think of it, probably not, but it's better than nothing...


I had a friend who was like you describe. He was just going through the motions in life, when we could get him out of the house for skiing or a dinner or a cookout, it always seemed like he was just waiting until it was time for him to go home. Then the company he works for gave him a 3 month sabbatical as a reward for 20 years with the company. During that 3 months he decided to get back into surfing, something he did a lot of in high school and college. He was going out surfing and hanging out at the beach most days. Then he decided to take a trip to the west coast hung out in So Cal for a week or so then drove down the coast ending up somewhere in southern Mexico stopping and staying in little beachside towns and surfing along the way. That trip kind of brought him back to life, he was different still didn't have much interest in dating still but was much more alive and engaged in life. 

I think sometimes people get in severe funks that are very hard to get out of. I think for my friend it was surfing that brought him back to life, not really his trip. The surfing gave him something to be excited about, got him being more active and fit, he had more energy, and all that improved his mental state.


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## RandomDude

SCDad01 said:


> But my second divorce did more of a number of me. Really thought she was my soul mate. I had taken 5 years to heal in between and was ready to love and trust. Totally gave her my heart. Two years into the marriage, I see a different side of her. 180 from who I dated and married. No adultery, but narcissist. I stayed way too long and it messed me up mentally. I could trust again, but I think the ability to love and give my heart 100% might be gone. Hoping time heals, but I may be done with serious relationships.


That's the piece of me that is missing, I try to give it to another only to reach within and find nothing there. Like you, I also thought I had found my soul mate. How long has it been now?


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## RandomDude

Diana7 said:


> Everything that happens to us in life affects us. I have had a few really traumatic and dreadful things happen, but in the end we can make that decision to get up on our feet again and carry on walking. It takes time, lots of time, but cutting ourselves off from the world is never the answer.
> Random dude, why not just join a group, take up an interest or hobby, do some volunteer work. Meeting people this way will enable you to make friends and put some colour back in your life. Isolating yourself is guaranteed to drain the colour from your life and keep you in the pit.


Just don't feel like it and I get drained enough from the people I still have to put up appearances for each day.



happyhusband0005 said:


> I had a friend who was like you describe. He was just going through the motions in life, when we could get him out of the house for skiing or a dinner or a cookout, it always seemed like he was just waiting until it was time for him to go home. Then the company he works for gave him a 3 month sabbatical as a reward for 20 years with the company. During that 3 months he decided to get back into surfing, something he did a lot of in high school and college. He was going out surfing and hanging out at the beach most days. Then he decided to take a trip to the west coast hung out in So Cal for a week or so then drove down the coast ending up somewhere in southern Mexico stopping and staying in little beachside towns and surfing along the way. That trip kind of brought him back to life, he was different still didn't have much interest in dating still but was much more alive and engaged in life.
> 
> I think sometimes people get in severe funks that are very hard to get out of. I think for my friend it was surfing that brought him back to life, not really his trip. The surfing gave him something to be excited about, got him being more active and fit, he had more energy, and all that improved his mental state.


It's hard to find energy to do stuff. Looks like he found himself again through his passions.


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## Diana7

RandomDude said:


> Just don't feel like it and I get drained enough from the people I still have to put up appearances for each day.
> 
> 
> 
> It's hard to find energy to do stuff. Looks like he found himself again through his passions.


Maybe find an activity that takes physical energy. Running, swimming etc. Then you don't have to be with people if you dont want to. 
It will make you feel better in yourself.


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## happyhusband0005

RandomDude said:


> Just don't feel like it and I get drained enough from the people I still have to put up appearances for each day.
> 
> 
> 
> It's hard to find energy to do stuff. Looks like he found himself again through his passions.


For sure he rekindled some passion for life through rekindling his passion for surfing.


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## RandomDude

Diana7 said:


> Maybe find an activity that takes physical energy. Running, swimming etc. Then you don't have to be with people if you dont want to.
> It will make you feel better in yourself.


I dont have my own personal pool sadly, and jogging around the block just isn't me lol

My apartment gym is getting more visitors these days too which is annoying, it's giving me excuses not to go.


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## 342693

RandomDude said:


> That's the piece of me that is missing, I try to give it to another only to reach within and find nothing there. Like you, I also thought I had found my soul mate. How long has it been now?


Sorry to hear man. We separated in Jan 2020, tried to make it work, did counseling. Divorce should be final any day. I miss the person I met and fell in love with. Sadly, she’s long gone and a complete stranger took her place several years ago.

You sound like me…met the person you thought was the one and perfect for you. Different then anyone I’ve met before. But we were fooled. So we’re both scared to try again for fear of being wrong and hurt again.


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## 342693

Diana7 said:


> Maybe find an activity that takes physical energy. Running, swimming etc. Then you don't have to be with people if you dont want to.
> It will make you feel better in yourself.


That’s what I did. Starting biking 14 miles 6-7 days a week. Lost 15 lbs, although I’m not a big guy. I did that for 2 months straight, but I’ve kind of hit a plateau and am getting bored with it. I miss traveling, going out to dinner, laughing with that someone special, etc. I think it would have been better to have never been head over heels with someone since then you wouldn’t know what you were missing. This sounds depressing, but honestly I’m a happy outgoing guy. Just counting on time to help.


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## Diana7

RandomDude said:


> I dont have my own personal pool sadly, and jogging around the block just isn't me lol
> 
> My apartment gym is getting more visitors these days too which is annoying, it's giving me excuses not to go.


God grief I wasn't talking about having your own personal pool but going to your local pool. Dont jog then but walk. Take up another sport. Cycle maybe. Lots of things to choose from.


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## RandomDude

SCDad01 said:


> Sorry to hear man. We separated in Jan 2020, tried to make it work, did counseling. Divorce should be final any day. I miss the person I met and fell in love with. Sadly, she’s long gone and a complete stranger took her place several years ago.
> 
> You sound like me…met the person you thought was the one and perfect for you. Different the anyone I’ve met before. But we’re fooled. So we’re both scared to try again for fear of being wrong and hurt again.


I know exactly what you mean. It's so strange when she's there yet she's not, it was like she switched within the week. I couldn't recognise her anymore, that's when I knew there was nothing left and but it still took time to get over the denial.

It's like she died, and a part of me treats it as such, I still find myself talking outloud to her in my quiet moments subconsciously as if she's a ghost. I want nothing to do with the new her, it was so strange, there wasn't a connection anymore, or with anyone since.



SCDad01 said:


> That’s what I did. Starting biking 14 miles 6-7 days a week. Lost 15 lbs, although I’m not a big guy. I did that for 2 months straight, but I’ve kind of hit a plateau and am getting bored with it. I miss traveling, going out to dinner, laughing with that someone special, etc. I think it would have been better to have never been head over heels with someone since then you wouldn’t know what you were missing. This sounds depressing, but honestly I’m a happy outgoing guy. Just counting on time to help.


I dont regret a thing, but this thought does come, wondering what it would have been like if I kept my romantic innocence, yet it's too late. We were forced to face the grim reality of everything when we were at our most vulnerable, guess that what leaves us shaken.


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## OdliDPrincess

Instead of concentrating on yourself. Return to spending more time with friends and family.... take up a hobby or sport, etc. Agree with the opinion to take up another sport. Table tennis helped me to overcome difficulties in my life. If you are interested can check this.


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## gaius

When you start using women and relationships like drugs you create an imbalance the women can sense, and most of them find it very unattractive. Basically the more you depend on them for happiness the more likely they'll get rid of you.

Learning to be happy and satisfied on your own, not depend on them for that, is the key. To trust but not depend. 

You're more talented than 99% of other men I run across Random so finding something to be good at, to be passionate about, that would give you a reason to get up every morning would seemingly be in your reach. But that's a journey only you can decide to make.


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## RandomDude

gaius said:


> When you start using women and relationships like drugs you create an imbalance the women can sense, and most of them find it very unattractive. Basically the more you depend on them for happiness the more likely they'll get rid of you.
> 
> Learning to be happy and satisfied on your own, not depend on them for that, is the key. To trust but not depend.


I don't believe I ever used any of my exs in such a manner, what the hell? Hell I'm not even the demanding one in my relationships! 

When I'm in a committed relationship it's my job to make them happy, whether I was enough for my partners however? Meh, I did my best. Now that I'm out of a relationship I depend on no one too so what do you mean?



> You're more talented than 99% of other men I run across Random so finding something to be good at, to be passionate about, that would give you a reason to get up every morning would seemingly be in your reach. But that's a journey only you can decide to make.


I'm not. I'm just a random dude with just enough common sense to make a living for himself and his family.


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## gaius

RandomDude said:


> I don't believe I ever used any of my exs in such a manner, what the hell? Hell I'm not even the demanding one in my relationships!
> 
> When I'm in a committed relationship it's my job to make them happy, whether I was enough for my partners however? Meh, I did my best. Now that I'm out of a relationship I depend on no one too so what do you mean?
> 
> I'm not. I'm just a random dude with just enough common sense to make a living for himself and his family.


You talk about how you're just waiting to die, walking around like a zombie. Yes, breakups can be very painful and it can take time to grieve, sometimes a long time but they shouldn't suck the life out of you like that. Unless you're using a relationship to feed part of you that you should be feeding yourself, if that makes any sense.

To be honest Random, my wife actually kind of kicked me out briefly this week (long story). I thought for a minute we might be done and the thought of her not being in my life brought me a great deal of grief, I love her and I'd miss her deeply, but at the end of the day I'm not dependent on her for my happiness. If she decides one day she'd be better off without me, so be it. I won't be destroyed. I'll still have my passions, laugh and smile and get on with my life somehow. I've weathered some heinous stuff before and gotten through it in tact. And that's one of the reasons she doesn't lose attraction to me and we're still together. (Speaking for myself on the matter, my wife's opinion may differ).

You really don't give yourself enough credit.


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## RandomDude

gaius said:


> You talk about how you're just waiting to die, walking around like a zombie. Yes, breakups can be very painful and it can take time to grieve, sometimes a long time but they shouldn't suck the life out of you like that. Unless you're using a relationship to feed part of you that you should be feeding yourself, if that makes any sense.
> 
> To be honest Random, my wife actually kind of kicked me out briefly this week (long story). I thought for a minute we might be done and the thought of her not being in my life brought me a great deal of grief, I love her and I'd miss her deeply, but at the end of the day I'm not dependent on her for my happiness. *If she decides one day she'd be better off without me, so be it. I won't be destroyed.* I'll still have my passions, laugh and smile and get on with my life somehow. I've weathered some heinous stuff before and gotten through it in tact. And that's one of the reasons she doesn't lose attraction to me and we're still together. (Speaking for myself on the matter, my wife's opinion may differ).
> 
> You really don't give yourself enough credit.


I said the same thing until it happened. Underestimated how soul crushing it really could be. Like how many breakups have I've gone through already right? It's not so bad... nope, I was wrong! I hope it doesn't happen in your case mate.

Sure I still have my passions, hobbies, I still joke around and smile. I'm otherwise very happy with my life but it doesn't change this massive bullet hole I seem I have no choice but to live with now 🤷‍♂️ 

Can't believe it's been over a year.


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