# Problems in a 6 year old marriage



## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

Hi, I am a 30 year old woman living with my husband and our 2 year old son. I love my family very much and I know my husband does too. I don't see us divorcing at all. However, there are a lot of issues between us that need to be sorted badly. I am unhappy to a certain level in our marriage. Firstly, I am a very bossy and dominating woman. My husband on te other hand is quite submissive. Although this might seem ideal, I crave for a man who dominates me, someone who initiates sex and someone who will lead the way. However, I understand that this is not possibly easily because of my extremely dominating nature. I get angry very easily when things don't go my way and yell and insult my husband and his parents sometimes too. I have given up my career (100% happy with the decision) and now I stay at home with my son. My husband and I have talks about this problem often and whenever I say that he should be a bit more manly, he defends himself by saying that I am a man and that I am very bossy and need to calm down a bit. I feel like it is a cycle. I find it hard to be submissive when I know that he can't deal with situations, for example, if our cable TV gets messed up and if he calls the cable guys, they will only get here next week while if I call them I can get them to come here tomorrow. I hope I am making sense. I really want him to man up. Even in sexual matters, I am the one always making the first move and he often jokes that I drag him to bed when he is working (seems to enjoy it) when inside my heart, I would rather be dragged especially because I know he thinks I rule. We recently had a talk where he said that he was completely done with my nasty behavior. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you don't seem capable of compromising.

You want it all your way.

the only person you are in control of is your self why don't you start with fixing your issues like being domineering and bossy and abusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The problem is that you seem to have defined your relationship with your husband early on and now you suddenly want to change that but your unable to change yourself.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband will never be able to do what you're asking while you continue to emasculate him at every turn.

Has he always been this way? If so, you married him knowing what he's like, so you can't really complain now.

Yelling insults at him and his parents will only have you seen as a boorish brute of a fishwife, and continue to erode away your marriage.

There's no excuse for that. Sorry.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You need counseling very badly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to start by slowly changing yourself. Get into counseling so that you can figure out why you have the need to always be in charge. 

One thing to consider is that you husband might have married you because you are the kind of woman he likes. You two fit together well .. except that you are not all together happy with this now.

You mention about getting the repair person to show up in a timely manner. Sometimes when a person appears to be incompent in doing something it's because they don't want to do it. It's very likely that your husband does not want to call the repair person and handle such things. So he does a poor job of it. Then you, being the type of person who just gets things done, jump in and get it done.

And then your husband is happy as a clam because he never has to call another repair person again. He may be manipulating you and taking advantage. Stop and think about the things that you take responsibility for. I'll bet they are all things that he does not want to do. So he uses this little game to push the on you.

You would do well to work with a counselor and start finding little things that you can give up control over and just let him take them over. Over time he just might surprise you and start doing them well once he realizes that you are not going to take the task over.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Your husband may prefer that you are in charge, but then he understandably gets defensive when you accuse him of not being a man. I second the idea that you two need to go to counseling to find a compromise here that you both can live with. In the meantime, you can try being more supportive of him instead of emasculating him.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

RK:

You sound a lot like my wife at the same stage of our marriage and I was a bit like your husband. In my wife’s case, the dominating, mean behavior escalated in the early years of our marriage and became worse after our oldest was born. She was about 2 when we were 29/30 and had also been married about six years.

If your husband is like I was I can tell you what’s going on in his head. “Who is this woman?” "Where is the lovely, loving woman I fell in love with and married?" “Why does she have to be so mean-spirited?” “Why must things always be done on her terms?” "Why am I so inadequate as a husband?" "Why can't she be happy?" "If she could just be happy, everything would be so much easier, so much better."

As far as intimacy goes, why would your husband want to be intimate with someone who disrespects him so much? What feelings of tenderness and passion could yelling at him and insulting him and his parents possibly inspire? How would you feel if he treated you that way?

In my wife’s case, things continued on that path until I got her to see how short-tempered she had become with our child. Never abusive, just quick to anger. She got into counseling and with time, things did improve, though she still had bouts of anger and verbal abuse toward me off and on throughout the next decade or so. Things finally improved in the last few years—partly through counseling, partly through medicine, and partly through her realizing that I was not going to put up with her being this way forever. That, unless things changed, when our youngest was done with high school, I would be out the door.

Throughout all of this, I loved her, but I was terribly wounded. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way by anyone—let alone the person who was supposed to love and honor me above everyone else. Underlying it all was her own lack of self-esteem and confidence. She was completely comfortable pushing me to do things her way, but was completely unassertive in other aspects of her life. I, in turn, was much more successful outside the home, so I tried to be supportive and accommodating inside the home. In short, I tried to “make” her happy—something I finally realized (almost too late) was not my job.

Someone once gave me advice related to getting along with others in the workplace. They told me “Don’t ask someone to do something for you and then expect they will do it the way you would. It will set them up to disappoint you and set you up to be frustrated.” I think the same advice can be applied to your relationship with your husband.

Respect your husband. He deserves that. Respect his family. They are also your family now. Respect yourself. Your children and your husband need you to do that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, it sounds like your husband is pretty happy just how he is, and has no motivation to change. He wants you to be a person it is easy for him to be with.

Do you want to change? Do you want to confirm to his wishes?

If you want to keep the marriage no matter what, you may want to try to conform to his wishes. You may find yourself happy with the changes. I think he would be.

If you change, and are not happy, the risk for your husband is a walk away wife. You may just all of a sudden be done one day. It may just not feel worth it to you to stay with him.

Obviously, it is up to you what you decide to do. I would encourage you to be as transparent as possible with your husband. It sounds like he is not willing to listen unless you are calm, so if you want him to listen, be calm. If you do not want to be, then just be transparent with yourself. 

You are going to end up being transparent with yourself anyway, btw. Feelings have a way of just rising out of us, whether we want them to or not.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding, but I don't see anywhere in your story where you're trying to make any changes to yourself. You admit up front that you're domineering, you get angry with him easily, and you don't even object to him calling your behavior "nasty".

Yet through all your talks with him you are putting the onus on him to change, and though you admit to your own faults you're still pinning a lot of the blame on him for not "manning up" in spite of your admittedly negative behavior.

If he's "completely done with your nasty behavior", does that not tell you that perhaps your behavior is maybe a bit toxic to your marriage? I would think you might be a bit more concerned about that than him "manning up".


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

You seem to think this is your husbands problem, for not being able to man up as you say.

This is all you, you are a very controlling and a very mean wife..You are lucky he has not walk out on you, his personality and the way he is has so far prevented that, but over time he will get totally sick of your anger and insults to him and his parents.

You need to get help, you are not a person i would want to be around.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ummm....seriously?

You yell at and insult your husband AND his parents? Do you also yell at & insult your 2 yr. old?

Why are you so angry? Please seek professional help immediately. I am worried about your child's emotional development.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

I tell you this from the other end. My husband is you. It isn't pleasant AT all, and why would your husband even want to "man up" for you when he's being treated like this? 

Often my husband complains I spend too much time with my phone. I tell him it's because you ain't pleasant to be around, thus minimizing my end of conversation/ interactions with him by focusing on my phone. 

Your husband will resent you, even maybe hate you one day if you keep this up. You're the one that need to change big time, and only then will your husband be more receptive to listen to you. Get yourself into therapy ASAP.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

Thanks for all tie replies. I understand that I have to change. The reason the post is written in a way where I point out my mistakes is because I understand that those are my short comings and I know thy that has to change. But I sometimes try to think why is it that I get upset? It's because i want him to take some responsibility and act like an adult. I have given my up highly qualified and paying job to sit at home and cook all his meals, clean up the house and do all household chores. I make sure the family is always given the best food and life that I can give them. I am happy doing my responsibility. Early on in our marriage itself it became somewhat clear to me that my husband is sort of laid back. Just the next night our wedding night, when I came to bed, I found him asleep. That is just one example. When I was 9 months pregnant, I was taking the bus to go to work. At that time, a bus driver was mean to me consistently and started to run the bus as soon as I step in causing me to get off balance. I was terrified of this. I told this to my husband on several occasions but he never stepped in and helped me. I feel sad about this and many other situation where I feel I needed some support. I am a very loving wife and he is a very loving husband. We are never going to divorce, just FYI- but would like to get our marriage to a point whee we both are really happy. Oh and as far as our son goes, he's the happiest kid, don't worry, we both want to eat him up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You have to acknowledge that high strung women don't do well with equally high strung men. He was attracted to you because of your dynamic personality, you were attracted to him because of his laid back easy going attitude. You compliment each other.

But over time you've stepped up more and more and he has allowed it be stepping back more and more and now you're both unhappy.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Surrendered-Wife-Practical-Intimacy/dp/0743204441

Your husband needs to understand the difference between being a laid back guy and being a pvssy! But that can't come from you, it has to come from someone else. The bus driver should have been dealt with! When laid back guys don't step up to protect their wives their wives feel deserted and loose respect for their husbands.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon RKmichigan
Have you told your husband that you want him to be more assertive? He may have come to the conclusion that you prefer things the way they are and he is playing along being submissive out of love.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

they say opposites attract. So when there is negotiating to be done, do the negotiating...bring him along for he ride. Need a new car, you beat down the price, etc.

In the bedroom...that is another matter. Role play at being submissive, and have him role play him being dominant. Like they do in the 50 shades of gray thing. Get some handcuffs, blindfold, riding crop, etc. Have him experiment on being a dom. See if that is sufficient to quell your needs


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You recognize your issues but still blame him?

C'mon.

If you are so strong, etc.why should he play the heavy? 

And if you aren't really that strong, why the mask?

I'm betting you have family of origin issues.

Work on yourself. Focusing on him is irresponsible and unfair.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

RKMichigan said:


> My husband and I have talks about this problem often and whenever I say that he should be a bit more manly............


I really wonder if he's just laughing his a s s off in his head while you sit there and try to reduce him to nothing.

At any rate, you obviously have no respect for him so why don't YOU man up and let him go.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

Anon Pink, you are spot on. That is exactly what happens- when I see that he is not being a man and since there is no one else who is around to tell him that he is not manning up, I tell him. I honestly don't want to! I wish he would understand why I am getting out of control. I tell him "baby, please pour water around the wash sink after you wash your mouth so that there is no dried up gunk sitting there that I have to clean up". He says ok darling and pours water maybe for 1 or 2 days and then it goes back to being what it was before. I clean it up 5 times and it builds up inside me and eventually I erupt. As far as he not initiating sex, I rarely bring it up. The hurt I have in that department or when he does not stand up for me when I am cornered is too much for me to even get angry about. No matter what happens I always back him up. The initial post is an example of it. I feel like I am letting him down if I point out his faults. He is a wonderful person, kind and loving to our child too. Please give me some tips as to how to get him to be a little protective of me, a little jealous when some other man looks at me..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RKMichigan said:


> Anon Pink, you are spot on. That is exactly what happens- when I see that he is not being a man and since there is no one else who is around to tell him that he is not manning up, I tell him. I honestly don't want to! I wish he would understand why I am getting out of control. I tell him "baby, please pour water around the wash sink after you wash your mouth so that there is no dried up gunk sitting there that I have to clean up". He says ok darling and pours water maybe for 1 or 2 days and then it goes back to being what it was before. I clean it up 5 times and it builds up inside me and eventually I erupt. As far as he not initiating sex, I rarely bring it up. The hurt I have in that department or when he does not stand up for me when I am cornered is too much for me to even get angry about. No matter what happens I always back him up. The initial post is an example of it. I feel like I am letting him down if I point out his faults. He is a wonderful person, kind and loving to our child too. Please give me some tips as to how to get him to be a little protective of me, a little jealous when some other man looks at me..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get the book I linked in my post above. It's a short book and very simple. It's not for everyone that's for sure. It will guide you to stepping back because he won't step up until you step back.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

CarlaRose said:


> You need counseling very badly.


:iagree:


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You have to acknowledge that high strung women don't do well with equally high strung men. He was attracted to you because of your dynamic personality, you were attracted to him because of his laid back easy going attitude. You compliment each other.
> 
> But over time you've stepped up more and more and he has allowed it be stepping back more and more and now you're both unhappy.
> 
> ...


She is the one with anger issues and like to insult, Insulting your husband is one thing but bringing his family into it is hitting below the belt..

Laid back is not being a *****, i am very laid back, and you could say it takes alot to get me going..nothing ***** about that, i would sooner be that way then, a guy that is in your face..

As far as the incident at the bus stop, i am finding it hard to believe that a women that is quickly angered did not say anything to the bus driver..This women gives me the impression, if you do something she doesnt like look out...

unless she is the type that can only take it out on her husband.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

I feel like some background as to why I insult his mother is required. My mil lived with is for over 1 year when we had the baby and both of us were working. She is a very nice person but likes to take control over everything. Before our wedding when we were dating she used to prevent him from seein me on the weekends etc., and my husband has told me that she started acting a bit oddly once we got married. Anyhow, one time when she was living with us, she said some insulting thing about the place I come from. I snapped and got very upset about it. It escalated and my husband ended up hitting me in front of her. This was a huge insult to my ego but I don't blame him because I instigated it big time. I hit him back as well. But throughout that time my mil was so protective of my husband although he kept pushing her off from his side. I want to make it clear that physical abuse is not something we do at all- except that one time. But since then my likin for my mil has drastically reduced. And when I get upset at my husband over something he doesn't react much- he listens to it but likes to keep calm and that irritates me even further and it honk he is not taking it seriously and I say something bad about his mum to get his attention. I know it's wrong and I will try to not do this in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JASON58 said:


> She is the one with anger issues and like to insult, Insulting your husband is one thing but bringing his family into it is hitting below the belt..
> 
> Laid back is not being a *****, i am very laid back, and you could say it takes alot to get me going..nothing ***** about that, i would sooner be that way then, a guy that is in your face..
> 
> ...


A husband who doesn't protect his pregnant wife from the antics of a nasty bus driver is a pvssy! Class dismissed.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> A husband who doesn't protect his pregnant wife from the antics of a nasty bus driver is a pvssy! Class dismissed.


Her husband was not even there and you were not either...your definition of pvssy is distorted, and women in this day and age should be able to look after themselves, and not have to hide behind a man.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JASON58 said:


> Her husband was not even there and you were not either...your definition of pvssy is distorted, and women in this day and age should be able to look after themselves, and not have to hide behind a man.


Men listen to other men better than they listen to women, ime.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

jld said:


> Men listen to other men better than they listen to women, ime.


I think i agree as men get to the point, and women go,on and on, and the men start to loose interest.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

RKMichigan said:


> . I know it's wrong and I will try to not do this in the future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What are planning to do to stop insulting your husband and MIL? Your husband is a doormat. How can he stay married to a woman who insult him and his mother?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JASON58 said:


> Her husband was not even there and you were not either...your definition of pvssy is distorted, and women in this day and age should be able to look after themselves, and not have to hide behind a man.


:::stomps foot with hands on hips::: No you are. :rofl:




JASON58 said:


> I think i agree as men get to the point, and women go,on and on, and the men start to loose interest.


Spoken like a little boy. 

I would explain more but I fear I've already lost your attention...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> What are planning to do to stop insulting your husband and MIL? Your husband is a doormat. How can he stay married to a woman who insult him and his mother?


Are you sure you want to stay married to this man, OP? _Why_ do you want to stay married to him?

I am concerned when you say he hit you. I don't think that is ever justified.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

JASON58 said:


> Her husband was not even there and you were not either...your definition of pvssy is distorted, and women in this day and age should be able to look after themselves, and not have to hide behind a man.


I had to admit that after reading the first post about a woman saying she was strong, assertive etc, then can't even call in her own complaint to a bus company... it seems off.

I would've told my husband sure, but what was he going to do? No doubt he was off to work too via different transportation. Does he go punch out the bus driver?

Personally, and I'm not a big mean fighting machine, I would've dealt with the problem myself, because I was raised to deal with my own sh*t.

Say my sister came to me complaining of her husband not protecting her from nasty bus drivers (when he isn't even there), I'd have told her to stop being a wimp.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> :::stomps foot with hands on hips::: No you are. :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



ok so unlike strong independent women, you need a man to protect you ........i get it...


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

breeze said:


> I had to admit that after reading the first post about a woman saying she was strong, assertive etc, then can't even call in her own complaint to a bus company... it seems off.
> 
> I would've told my husband sure, but what was he going to do? No doubt he was off to work too via different transportation. Does he go punch out the bus driver?
> 
> ...


Of course you would have dealt with the bus driver yourself, its just common sense..

it does sound pretty childish to run to your husband for help..


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

I think many of you assume that I should have or would have reacted to the bus driver. Actually that doesnt make any sense. I would never put my unborn child through such a trauma. If I chose to deal with that random arse like that bus driver (who knows what he is capable of or what circumstances he is from), there is a certain possibility that my peace of mind is disturbed tremendously causing harm to my child and even a possibility of physical harm. Why would any sensible person do that? Being strong and assertive doesn't equate to being rash. 
In defense of my husband, he did react, in a different way. He drove me since then to and from work most of the time. But I would have liked to seen him get a little upset about it at least.
About leaving my husband, there is no way in the world I will leave him. We love each other beyond words! He will say the same thing. I love him to pieces and he loves me a lot too! And we have a wonderful child to take care of. Why would I throw all this away just because I don't like some aspects of our relationship. 

Please be constructive in terms of your comments or don't comment. JASON58 stay away- I don't like you or your anti-woman comments.
Going to your husband for support is neither childish nor being a wimp. Tats what "partners" are for. You stand up for each other and share your feelings and emotions.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Partners also respect each other. Insulting him and his mother show that you don't respect him. 

As for the bus driver, you could have called and complained (I did that once). I don't see anything wrong with him driving him. Did you want him to yell or threaten the bus driver?


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

RKMichigan said:


> I think many of you assume that I should have or would have reacted to the bus driver. Actually that doesnt make any sense. I would never put my unborn child through such a trauma. If I chose to deal with that random arse like that bus driver (who knows what he is capable of or what circumstances he is from), there is a certain possibility that my peace of mind is disturbed tremendously causing harm to my child and even a possibility of physical harm. Why would any sensible person do that? Being strong and assertive doesn't equate to being rash.
> In defense of my husband, he did react, in a different way. He drove me since then to and from work most of the time. But I would have liked to seen him get a little upset about it at least.
> About leaving my husband, there is no way in the world I will leave him. We love each other beyond words! He will say the same thing. I love him to pieces and he loves me a lot too! And we have a wonderful child to take care of. Why would I throw all this away just because I don't like some aspects of our relationship.
> 
> ...


Saying a women should be able to defend herself is not a anti-women,comment....... all you had to do is get his number and report what he did..instead of throwing it back at your husband for not reacting like he was suppose too.

You have issues..and you have admitted you get angry very quickly, when this happens, you say things that are hurtful , you need to go get help,with this and stop blaming your husband for the problems you come across in life when he is not even with you,and there will be plenty..
If you get angry at other people like you do your husband, then who knows what is going on with you and the bus driver..he could not like you as much as you don't like him.
I know it must be hard to hear this but i could not live around a person with anger issues, you husband must feel like he is walking on egg shells when he is around you.
If you really want your marriage to work you need to address your problems.
I been married 39 yrs and not once have i insulted my wifes family, i keep my thoughts to myself, because my wife is very close to her family, and i don't have the right to say anything negative about them.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

I think you should reconsider your old-fashioned views regarding masculinity. Not that it is "bad" or "good". It is just not helping your here so you might as well reconsider them. Call the cable company yourself. He can do other things and I am pretty sure he is going at them. My guess is that he is a sensitive person. Very caring. Respect your and others. Great dad. Have a sense of humour. Maybe you are depressed and easily irritated? Or maybe you are "in love" anymore?


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## Mr. Fix it (Jul 31, 2014)

RKMichigan,
Don't let all those negative/harsh comments get you feeling all bad. I'm not suggesting that you don't need to address your anger, but you do have a reason to be upset. A man needs to be able to step up to the plate, but he has to learn how to do that from someone, or some situation. Each time you re-do something that he already did (call the cable company) your telling him he is not good enough, instead, how about you thank him for taking care of the situation and leave it alone? Build him up, or you will turn him into a spineless male. 

Be gentle, gracious, and feminine, that will make a male want to be a man.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

Mr. Fix it said:


> RKMichigan,
> Don't let all those negative/harsh comments get you feeling all bad. I'm not suggesting that you don't need to address your anger, but you do have a reason to be upset. A man needs to be able to step up to the plate, but he has to learn how to do that from someone, or some situation. Each time you re-do something that he already did (call the cable company) your telling him he is not good enough, instead, how about you thank him for taking care of the situation and leave it alone? Build him up, or you will turn him into a spineless male.
> 
> Be gentle, gracious, and feminine, that will make a male want to be a man.


Thank you for the kind comment! I really realize this. In today's world women are encouraged to be independent, strong and all the manly characters and somewhere there women lose their feminine qualities. I was raised in a house where my parents always encouraged me to do everything boys did and no pink stuff for me. Hence it is difficult for me to suddenly lose all that and start acting feminine. But I am trying my best. Your comment really makes a lot of sense- it's my actions that either make or break his confidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RKMichigan said:


> Thank you for the kind comment! I really realize this. In today's world women are encouraged to be independent, strong and all the manly characters and somewhere there women lose their feminine qualities. I was raised in a house where my parents always encouraged me to do everything boys did and no pink stuff for me. Hence it is difficult for me to suddenly lose all that and start acting feminine. But I am trying my best. Your comment really makes a lot of sense- it's my actions that either make or break his confidence.


Being strong and independent are not male qualities. They are the qualities of mature adults, male and female. 

You can only change yourself. So I'd suggest that you look at your own behaviors and modify those that are causing issues. For example your verbal rants against your MIL. Just stop it. It's completely in your control to do that. If you have an issue with her find a constructive and kind way to address it.

If you slowly modify your behavior, your husband will most likely modify his in response. There is an author, Harriet Lerner, who has a series of book that equate a relationship to dance. "The Dance of ...." 

One in particular comes to mind with your issues.......


The Dance of Connection


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

RKMichigan said:


> I think many of you assume that I should have or would have reacted to the bus driver. Actually that doesnt make any sense. I would never put my unborn child through such a trauma. If I chose to deal with that random arse like that bus driver (who knows what he is capable of or what circumstances he is from), there is a certain possibility that my peace of mind is disturbed tremendously causing harm to my child and even a possibility of physical harm. Why would any sensible person do that? Being strong and assertive doesn't equate to being rash.
> In defense of my husband, he did react, in a different way. He drove me since then to and from work most of the time. But I would have liked to seen him get a little upset about it at least.
> About leaving my husband, there is no way in the world I will leave him. We love each other beyond words! He will say the same thing. I love him to pieces and he loves me a lot too! And we have a wonderful child to take care of. Why would I throw all this away just because I don't like some aspects of our relationship.
> 
> ...


I said you could've called in a complaint yourself. I've been pregnant, it's not a huge deal to pick up a phone and make a complaint.

As for expecting him to be upset, he drove you from that point on. I think that's a fair enough response to the issue and I don't think it's fair to hold his lack of aggression over the issue against him; he wasn't there, what exactly was he supposed to do.

The thing is, there's enough crap that happens to us in our lives that we really don't need our spouses placing unrealistic expectations on us and taking out their frustrations on us, which is what I feel you are doing to him.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Verbal abuse at your husband? I feel bad for your husband and your son that has to witness that. I hope he will find someone else that appreciates and respects him.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me, he's in a no win situation.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She wants her husband to show that he cares about her by at least offering to protect her.

She wants her husband to be less passive and more proactive in both their daily lives and in their relationship.

She wants to respect her husband but it's hard to respect someone who avoid conflict like the plague.

The way she has gone about getting these things from her husband have made it worse and made them both miserable. She needs to alter her behavior in a major way but even doing that won't in and of itself get her husband to stand up.

If I told my husband that some man was bothering me I would want him to at least offer to help me out! At least make the offer! I would likely not take him up on it but the fact that he made the offer would mean a lot. Of course I can take care of myself! Of course I can take care of the nasty bus driver or the creepy neighbor, or the leering mechanic!but if I complain to my husband about these things and he shrugs his shoulders the clear message I'm getting is "you're on you own!"

Is that the message a husband should be sending his wife?

If my husband never picked up after himself and left a mess in every room and when I complained he ignored me, you're damn right I'd be angry as hell and I'd let him have it! And if he still ignored me the clear message I'd get is "I don't care what you think, what you feel or what you want so leave me alone."

Is that the message a husband should send to his wife?

What the OP wants and asks from her husband are completely rational desires of any wife. There is nothing unrealistic about wanting your husband to not act like a little boy. 

I agree this wife has got some work to do but the level of insulting toward he is uncalled for. Of all the posts in this thread, precious few actually offer up something of value.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

It's hard to offer a lot of advice when the OP admits openly and up-front that she doesn't treat her H very well. Good will is the engine of a satisfactory marriage, and irrespective of whether her needs are rational or not, she's destroyed a lot of that good will in her husband by the way she's treated him.

So while I agree that some of the posters are trashing OP pretty hard, neither do I think it reasonable to somehow defend her by saying "Her needs are rational even if her behavior is terrible!"


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think your posts are very self aware and revealing. I think that your feelings are completely normal and biological but few women speak like you do because it is politically incorrect to admit that a woman wants a man to be strong. I think nature is taking it's course. A weak man is being dominated by his woman who is literally yearning to see his male strength. The so-called domination is you expressing what you need in a natural way.

Now, marriages need help from time to time. WE could all vote on the internet. Some would say YOU are wrong. Some would say HE is wrong. But the general plan for improving a marriage involves ONE PERSON choosing to fix their own behavior to see if it makes the other person happier. Men crave respect from their wife. This is what you have to fix. Once you see him happier in a few months, you then start advocating for what you need. You show and tell him that you changed A, B, C becuase you realized what you were doing wrong, and now you need his help with X, Y, Z. And a happy spouse is way more inclined to make changes after they see you have done so.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

Thanks Anon Pink for those understanding words. The reason why I chose not to comment on most of the thrashing posts is because I know 100% that I am awesome when it comes to my marriage except for the getting upset and angry part. I love my husband with all my heart, I cook three meals a day for him. I launder his clothes, clean his house and give him loads of hugs and TLC. He himself tells me that no one has loved him as much as I do. Yes, I am a very passionate woman- I love much and I get upset hard too. That being said my husband is also extremely loving. He loves me a lot. I just want him to be a bit more passionate in all aspects of life. 
I am happy to report that the entire last week, I tried my best to never yell at him and we had a very very lovely week :smthumbup:. Today I lost it again! Huh .


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How does being abusive equate with love?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

RKMichigan said:


> Thanks Anon Pink for those understanding words. The reason why I chose not to comment on most of the thrashing posts is because I know 100% that I am awesome when it comes to my marriage except for the getting upset and angry part. I love my husband with all my heart, I cook three meals a day for him. I launder his clothes, clean his house and give him loads of hugs and TLC. He himself tells me that no one has loved him as much as I do. Yes, I am a very passionate woman- I love much and I get upset hard too. That being said my husband is also extremely loving. He loves me a lot. I just want him to be a bit more passionate in all aspects of life.
> I am happy to report that the entire last week, I tried my best to never yell at him and we had a very very lovely week :smthumbup:. Today I lost it again! Huh .


Good job! You see with no yelling at him, you had a good week.

I think your husband is passive & he is afraid of you.

He may not verbalize it but my ex-husband yelled at me & I was afraid of him. Too scared to be assertive & make decisions because I "might" get yelled at.

I also think your husband is walking on eggshells around you. Now you may not believe that but that is your choice.

Here's the thing - you think you are an excellent wife & mother & I am sure you are in many ways but we all have room for improvement. I think if you can get your anger under control, your husband may be less passive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, I think Hicks and AP are right on. 

It looks like your husband is unwilling to take a leadership role in the relationship. It looks like he can only be happy if his needs are met, and one of those needs is not to be yelled at. If you are comfortable assuming that responsibility for the rest of your marriage, maybe you two can mostly be happy.

Ideally, your husband would look at his own behavior to see what triggers the yelling in you, and correct that. Ideally, he would be the leader you want. But he does not seem to be willing to do that.

Maybe anger management study will help you. If you want to stay with him, that is probably your best hope. Like Hicks said, usually the one who wants change the most is the one who has to change. It sounds like your husband is unwilling to, so unless you want to rethink the marriage, it is at least right now up to you. Good luck.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

I know many of you are going to thrash me for what I am about to say, but here it goes anyway.
Today, Saturday morning, is usually when we go out for doing something special together as a family. Since a long time I have noticed that Saturdays are when I get angry a lot. My husband thinks its because he calls his mom (Who lives far away) that I get upset, when in fact I am the one to remind him to call his mom every single time!
I analyzed this to see what the root of my problem is and found that it is because we have to finish the outing and get home before my 2 year olds lunch time, which is a very tight schedule. He also eats a small snack at about 11, which is when we usually go out. Since either feeding him the snack and prepping lunch before we go out or feeding him the snack on the go and packing lunch so he can eat on the go if we are late usually stresses me out tremendously, I decided that I would not be going out with the guys on Saturdays. This is what I did since the last 2 weeks and DH and myself noticed that I was way calmer. Today, unfortunately, we made the decision that we will go to this beautiful park nearby and it was already late. I told DH to give our son a bath. Both of them got into the tub and spend a lot of time doing nothing. I had to go in there twice to tell my husband that it was getting late and I wont be able to give him lunch on time if this happens. He eventually bucked up.
After that I still had to make his snack (a smoothie) and prep his lunch and wat do I see-DH just standing there frolicking. At tis point I told him, please get things going- pack DS's diaper bag, take the camera etc and he started doing so. 
I got furious, why the **** do I have to tell him to do every single thing?????????? I am so annoyed!!!!! He acts like he has no responsibility. If we are going out, then he should take the equal responsibility to do things around to get set! I shouldn't have to tell him the things he should do! Then there is this looming thought that after we finish the outing, I have to feed DS his lunch, get him set for a nap and then come out and prep lunch for DH and myself. I mean, do you see this??? All I am asking is at least pick up the god damn toys without me asking him to. I got really angry- but refrained from saying anything really abusive and went into a room and cried. Came out 2 minutes later, fed my son his smoothie and told them to go out themselves and they did. (if the plan was for me not to go, i would have gotten so many things done by now- my entire morning is wasted. Yes, I am really upset).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you have to have such a strict schedule? I think that is what is stressing you out. 

It sounds like your husband knows how to relax and just enjoy time with your son. If you could relax, I think you could all enjoy your time together.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are scheduling for the sake of the family, yet excoriating your husband when he does not meet the schedule. 

You need to look carefully at why you have an unhealthy need for control. You are allowing it to drive a wedge between you and your husband.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> You are scheduling for the sake of the family, yet excoriating your husband when he does not meet the schedule.
> 
> You need to look carefully at why you have an unhealthy need for control. You are allowing it to drive a wedge between you and your husband.


But her husband could show some leadership, too. That is what this woman is positively begging for, far.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> You are scheduling for the sake of the family, yet excoriating your husband when he does not meet the schedule.
> 
> You need to look carefully at why you have an unhealthy need for control. You are allowing it to drive a wedge between you and your husband.


Keeping a 2 year old on a schedule is what good parents do. It is not my need for control and it is not unhealthy. I don't want our outings to take a toll on my little guy. His lunch snack and nap are very important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you have to have such a strict schedule? I think that is what is stressing you out.
> 
> It sounds like your husband knows how to relax and just enjoy time with your son. If you could relax, I think you could all enjoy your time together.


There is a time to work and time to play. When we have decided to go out, he knows that we have to get back on time and he knows that it stresses me out. At such a point taking it leisurely and "enjoying" the moment is just not what responsible people should do according to me. He can enjoy all he wants when the time is right and I would appreciate it a LOT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Problems in a 6 year old marriage*



jld said:


> But her husband could show some leadership, too. That is what this woman is positively begging for, far.


Clearly. But he isnt where he needs to be, nor is he even aware according to what has been written. Until that time, behaving in this manner is going to further erode his confidence and make it less likely for him to WANT to improve. How has brow beating worked thus far?


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

Oh and I wouldn't have gotten angry at all today, but when I told him if he thought as a responsible adult he needed to do things without my telling, he said, yes and then when I continued to explain, he said that I don't know to be responsible and dont do the things I am supposed to. Maybe he meant it as a comeback, but let me tell you- I slog my arse off doing everything around here and if he accuses me of not doing what I am supposed to- really sorry, but I will get pissed off.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What do you think would happen if your son were not on the schedule?


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

He would get hungry and probably sleepy and probably sleep without eating his lunch. Why would I put him through all that if we are in a position to give him the best? Yes, I may be a perfectionist:scratchhead:.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just curious. I have five kids and never followed a schedule. They all seemed to follow the (relaxed) family schedule, though, eating meals together and having similar bedtimes. Naps sometimes happened, sometimes did not. Very flexible here.

What does your husband think of the schedule?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lol, you will probably think of me as one of the ones who would rake you over the coals, but in reality, I'm probably one of the ones who most understands your predicament. I have a husband who was exactly like that, and still is in some aspects, people don't change a great deal but circumstances do.

When the kids were little and we had to go somewhere, it was always on me to do every single bit of preparation. All the packing, planning, organising, everything. DH would stand around or play on his computer and I'd get so frustrated I'd literally feel a landslide of anger coming that I couldn't avoid. The day we had to travel somewhere, I'd generally be so upset by the time we left I just wanted to curl up in a ball or scream my rage to the world.

Part of what changed this was me letting go of this need to have everything perfect, leave on time and be more adaptable. Part of it was me accepting that DH was completely useless in regards to organising small children. Part of it was the kids grew up and didn't need such strict timetables for eating etc.

Most of that change was on me. You'll love everyone here who will tell you that your DH needs to 'Step Up' and 'Be A Man' and all that other garbage, but nothing they say will help you, because you can't force him to be someone he is not, and they certainly can't either.

Everything you need to do to change your how you feel about your life is within you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breeze said:


> Part of what changed this was me letting go of this need to have everything perfect, leave on time and be more adaptable.
> 
> Most of that change was on me.
> 
> Everything you need to do to change your how you feel about your life is within you.


:iagree:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

RKMichigan said:


> Thanks Anon Pink for those understanding words. The reason why I chose not to comment on most of the thrashing posts is because I know 100% that I am awesome when it comes to my marriage except for the getting upset and angry part. I love my husband with all my heart, I cook three meals a day for him. I launder his clothes, clean his house and give him loads of hugs and TLC. He himself tells me that no one has loved him as much as I do. Yes, I am a very passionate woman- I love much and I get upset hard too. That being said my husband is also extremely loving. He loves me a lot. I just want him to be a bit more passionate in all aspects of life.
> I am happy to report that the entire last week, I tried my best to never yell at him and we had a very very lovely week :smthumbup:. Today I lost it again! Huh .


You sound like the perfect mother for him. Problem is, you want a partner who steps up and is an equal when you want him to be.

What you see: You are a perfect partner, looking after him so well, with just an occasional blow out, but overall, you're wonderful.

What I see happening:

ACTION: You BABY him in every aspect of your lives

RESULT: You feel PRIDE that you are so wonderful a partner and he tells you how much he APPRECIATES it.

ACTION: You BABY him again

RESULT: You start to feel RESENTMENT. You've done all of this for him, why isn't he doing it for you?

ACTION: You BABY him

RESULT: ANGER, EXPLOSION. You blow up and expect this will make him see the error of his ways. Things should get better.

RINSE and REPEAT

You don't need someone telling you how wonderful you are at taking care of your family. You need someone to tell you to WAKE UP and SMELL what you are BREWING.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Problems in a 6 year old marriage*



breeze said:


> Lol, you will probably think of me as one of the ones who would rake you over the coals, but in reality, I'm probably one of the ones who most understands your predicament. I have a husband who was exactly like that, and still is in some aspects, people don't change a great deal but circumstances do.
> 
> When the kids were little and we had to go somewhere, it was always on me to do every single bit of preparation. All the packing, planning, organising, everything. DH would stand around or play on his computer and I'd get so frustrated I'd literally feel a landslide of anger coming that I couldn't avoid. The day we had to travel somewhere, I'd generally be so upset by the time we left I just wanted to curl up in a ball or scream my rage to the world.
> 
> ...


Op, read this twice, then read it again. Breeze gets it. Do you?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It's only ever first children who are on such strict schedules. Once you have even one more, it's not possible any more. All those second, third and fourth kids seem to do just fine without them so I'd say the strict schedule is primarily for you. 

If it's just a food organisation thing, there are lots of ways to handle it. Prep the stuff the night before have lots of food in the freezer ready to take (mini muffins etc), make the smoothie as soon as you get up etc. And why is your son having a bath on a Saturday morning? Have one at night. 

But I don't think any of that will help frankly. You're seething with resentment and you should probably address that first. 

Frankly I think it's part of my job as the SAH/homeschooling parent to do all that organisational stuff. Plus I do it every day, so I'm much more efficient. My husband willingly helps, but yes, I do ask him specifically because it's all in my head and he's not a mind reader.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Problems in a 6 year old marriage*



breeze said:


> You sound like the perfect mother for him. Problem is, you want a partner who steps up and is an equal when you want him to be.
> 
> What you see: You are a perfect partner, looking after him so well, with just an occasional blow out, but overall, you're wonderful.
> 
> ...


And this, twice again.

OP, my wife and I had a period of several years when this was happening. It was also not so coincidentally when our son was a toddler. Do you know what happened? I avoided my wife like she had something communicable. 

I would work later, do things with the fellas, and anything that would get me out of the house. I finally reached a point of not wanting to avoid, and I started to fight back. It was petty and weak on my part, but so was the "I know best" attitude from my wife. 

Right now he is probably trying to figure out what happened to his dignity and self respect. And you are so busy telling him, through both words and actions, that he does not deserve either that he is wondering if he wants to remain married to you. I know; I went through it.

If you want to make it better, reread breezes posts. You have the power. Wield it with mercy and inspiration, not anger.


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## RKMichigan (Aug 2, 2014)

I read the breezes post very well. So does this mean, when toys are lying around the house and he dosnt pick them up, I also don't pick them up? Because I have tried that and he doesn't care. He would sleep on top of toys. Does this mean that I not com 3 meals a day and let him cook? Because there have been days when I don't feel upto it and he just buys us food. I value our finances a lot and can't afford to buy outside on a daily basis. And I don't think it is healthy at all. I understand that I do mother him. How else can I have him meet the standard that I expect? Hoping to have a clean house, a well groomed responsible husband and having good healthy food is not over ambitious is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Wow. Breeze laid out some amazing things for you. What did you do? You again tout how amazing you are, how terrible your husband is, and how your expectations are not that high. 

In the meantime, why don't you talk about specifically what she told you to do and why you won't do it, because your last post tells me you are disregarding her advice. Your last post was was one big "yeah, but...". Is there any humility in you?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you think a stressed family is giving your son the best? Actually being able to deal with life flexibly and on the fly will do you much better. I contend that this is your fear and a need to control more than about your son. Unless he is autistic that is.

We took my girls all over when they were going and they did great. I was prepped with snacks and so what if they feel asleep? They will not starve. 

Lighten up so your family can lighten up.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

RKMichigan said:


> I read the breezes post very well. So does this mean, when toys are lying around the house and he dosnt pick them up, I also don't pick them up? Because I have tried that and he doesn't care. He would sleep on top of toys. Does this mean that I not com 3 meals a day and let him cook? Because there have been days when I don't feel upto it and he just buys us food. I value our finances a lot and can't afford to buy outside on a daily basis. And I don't think it is healthy at all. I understand that I do mother him. How else can I have him meet the standard that I expect? Hoping to have a clean house, a well groomed responsible husband and having good healthy food is not over ambitious is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not something you'll be able to change over night. Small steps, give him time to adapt, another small step. This is something you'll have to figure out as you go, you'll see something you'd like him to be your equal in, such as a trip to the park, step back, allow him to organise the whole trip. Go visit a friend for the morning instead.

One thing I could suggest that you could start straight away; don't remind him to ring his mother. She is his mother, not yours, and it's completely up to him whether he calls or not and the repercussions if he forgets or doesn't want to are all on him. That's just one small thing I saw from what you've written. I'm sure there are many you could think of where you could stop mothering him and let him decide for himself and suffer the consequences of his own actions or lack of action.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> How does being abusive equate with love?



BPD comes to mind....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RKMichigan said:


> I read the breezes post very well. So does this mean, when toys are lying around the house and he dosnt pick them up, I also don't pick them up? Because I have tried that and he doesn't care. He would sleep on top of toys. Does this mean that I not com 3 meals a day and let him cook? Because there have been days when I don't feel upto it and he just buys us food. I value our finances a lot and can't afford to buy outside on a daily basis. And I don't think it is healthy at all. I understand that I do mother him. How else can I have him meet the standard that I expect? Hoping to have a clean house, a well groomed responsible husband and having good healthy food is not over ambitious is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it's not overly ambitious to have a well rested child who is fed good healthy food on a schedule, who naps at scheduled time, and lives in a well maintained home. But it's killing your marriage.

The anxiety you feel about the clean home, the sleeps, the feeding...these are all of your making.

My oldest is 27 my youngest is 14. There is a ten year age difference between my youngest and my middle daughter. I was just as regimented as you are. And I was miserable because keeping to the regimen on your own without any help, sucks!

It would be great if your husband could get a clue and step up but he won't because you've kind of beaten his confidence down by your regimen.

LOL, I can hear you rolling your eyes at me!

How did you learn to take care of your son? By doing so, right? What kind of confidence would you have in yourself as a mother if you had someone watch over you telling you what to do each step of the way? I'm sure you made a few mistakes as you learned to take care of your son, right! How would you feel if each time you tried to do something, someone else pointed out all of your errors, which might not have been errors but rather a different way?

Let GO! Let your husband build his confidence as a father. Let him make some mistakes, let him learn first hand what happens when junior isn't on schedule. Let him deal with the fall out. It is the only way your husband will be able to step up on his own...when you step back. Step back with an encouraging smile and a warm heart. 

My husband didn't help at all with my older two, and boy was I an angry woman! Luckily, I learned by the third child that I had a choice to make.

I could have him help...if I stepped back and stopped dictating how the home and child care should go.

Or

I could do it myself, get it done my way, which I believed to be the best way.... and be an exhausted angry woman.

I took door number two and my youngest turned out just fine...she's a snotty thing at times but she is one of the neatest coolest most independent and mature 14 year olds I've ever met.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't get the idea she is diagnosable but she is definitely not in touch with the fact that you can't be a good wife and your husband can't be happy if you are abusing him... Unless he has been abused for so long he doesn't know what normal looks like...

She had better pay attention because a nice guy like this will break and some nice young thang will come along and bolster his self image... He will bad mouth his wife and it'll actually be true! He will cheat and leave and marry aforementioned young thang and abusive wife will be there retelling marital history leaving out her abuse when she looks for a new guy.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

RKMichigan said:


> I know many of you are going to thrash me for what I am about to say, but here it goes anyway.
> Today, Saturday morning, is usually when we go out for doing something special together as a family. Since a long time I have noticed that Saturdays are when I get angry a lot. My husband thinks its because he calls his mom (Who lives far away) that I get upset, when in fact I am the one to remind him to call his mom every single time!
> I analyzed this to see what the root of my problem is and found that it is because we have to finish the outing and get home before my 2 year olds lunch time, which is a very tight schedule. He also eats a small snack at about 11, which is when we usually go out. Since either feeding him the snack and prepping lunch before we go out or feeding him the snack on the go and packing lunch so he can eat on the go if we are late usually stresses me out tremendously, I decided that I would not be going out with the guys on Saturdays. This is what I did since the last 2 weeks and DH and myself noticed that I was way calmer. Today, unfortunately, we made the decision that we will go to this beautiful park nearby and it was already late. I told DH to give our son a bath. Both of them got into the tub and spend a lot of time doing nothing. I had to go in there twice to tell my husband that it was getting late and I wont be able to give him lunch on time if this happens. He eventually bucked up.
> After that I still had to make his snack (a smoothie) and prep his lunch and wat do I see-DH just standing there frolicking. At tis point I told him, please get things going- pack DS's diaper bag, take the camera etc and he started doing so.
> I got furious, why the **** do I have to tell him to do every single thing?????????? I am so annoyed!!!!! He acts like he has no responsibility. If we are going out, then he should take the equal responsibility to do things around to get set! I shouldn't have to tell him the things he should do! Then there is this looming thought that after we finish the outing, I have to feed DS his lunch, get him set for a nap and then come out and prep lunch for DH and myself. I mean, do you see this??? All I am asking is at least pick up the god damn toys without me asking him to. I got really angry- but refrained from saying anything really abusive and went into a room and cried. Came out 2 minutes later, fed my son his smoothie and told them to go out themselves and they did. (if the plan was for me not to go, i would have gotten so many things done by now- my entire morning is wasted. Yes, I am really upset).


I hope you don't take offense to this comment - it is an observation based on the above post only.

You seem like you might have OCD or at least OCD tendencies. And then when things don't go your way or alter your schedule, you flip out. It is absolutely unnecessary to keep a kid on an exact feeding schedule, unless it is medically mandated by a doctor.

Your husband was having fun with his child. There is nothing more important than that. You need to drop this schedule issue you have. If your kid eats at noon, 1, 1:30, he will live. 

My guess is this rigidity you have is the root of much of your anger and irritation. You will have to train yourself to allow alterations in your schedule and life. Maybe seek professional help about it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

RKMichigan said:


> There is a time to work and time to play. When we have decided to go out, he knows that we have to get back on time and he knows that it stresses me out. At such a point taking it leisurely and "enjoying" the moment is just not what responsible people should do according to me. He can enjoy all he wants when the time is right and I would appreciate it a LOT.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely disagree with this, as someone who has raised three children.

Schedules are overrated. I know this is a tangental point to the nexus of this thread, but it's relevant to the underlying issues here. When you keep a strict schedule for your toddler, you are training him/her to be rigid and inflexible. Life doesn't work that way. Children need to learn how to adapt at an early age.

Kids should nap when they are tired and eat when they are hungry, within reason. If his nap starts at 2pm one day and 3pm another day, the world will not explode. He will be fine.

Addressing the leadership qualities of your husband is a separate matter. And I do agree he needs to show you he can lead, and that he cares about you. But playing with his kid a few extra minutes is not something a wife should ever punish a husband for.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I completely disagree with this, as someone who has raised three children.
> 
> Schedules are overrated. I know this is a tangental point to the nexus of this thread, but it's relevant to the underlying issues here. When you keep a strict schedule for your toddler, you are training him/her to be rigid and inflexible. Life doesn't work that way. Children need to learn how to adapt at an early age.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

OP, life as a single Mother is very difficult. Your husband frankly sounds like a good Dad. He bathes his child, takes him to the park, spends quality time with him, etc. 

If toys on the floor bother you so much, then simply pick them up. Stop expecting your Husband to adhere to your strict parenting schedule & possible OCD or OCD tendencies. You are not his Mother or boss at work.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

RK, I still see many parallels between you and your husband and my wife and me. The post about the schedule with your toddler struck me in part because it sounds a lot like the way my wife would react to in me similar situations in our household. The first question I would ask is, whose schedule is it? Is this a regimen that YOU developed or one that you and your husband worked out together? Why must your toddler be back home for lunch? Are picnics not possible? Why can't your toddler play after lunch? Or on Sundays? One of the best things about family time is that it should be a way to remove us from stressors we experience elsewhere in our lives. 

I agree that your husband could be more sensitive to your desire to keep things on a schedule--especially since it doesn't appear to be something new to your lifestyle. It also appears that your husband may have been rebelling in a subtle way to the strictness of the schedule. From your description of him I don't think he would openly confront you, so his willingness to "frolic" could be his attempt to assert himself. It could also be simply that your husband is better at enjoying life in the moment than you. Perhaps you could learn from him to relax a bit and not get so worried that you are off schedule.

It seems that you want your husband to be stronger, but only in the ways YOU define strength. If he were in charge of the household to the degree that you are now, would you be able to live under his rules (or lack thereof)? I am not saying you don't have a right to want your husband to be stronger, but you also need to realize that if he becomes stronger you will likely need to give up your need to be in control of certain aspects.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> I completely disagree with this, as someone who has raised three children.
> 
> Schedules are overrated. I know this is a tangental point to the nexus of this thread, but it's relevant to the underlying issues here. *When you keep a strict schedule for your toddler, you are training him/her to be rigid and inflexible. Life doesn't work that way. Children need to learn how to adapt at an early age.*
> 
> ...


I completely agree especially the bolded part.

However, in OP's defense... My second was an EXCELLENT nap per, three whole hours but only if she began her nap in her crib. If she fell asleep in the car seat, she would wake up and want to play and it was impossible to get her to go back to sleep. Those three hours were very important to me!!!! I got to spend some much needed 1:1 time with her older one and also got to relax a bit. M-F that nap schedule was the king of the hill but on weekends I let it go out the window if my husband was home.

Young or new fathers do need to step up and step in more. They shouldn't wait to be told what to do. They know their wives like a clean home and they know how time consuming and draining child care is. But new mothers have to help them grow in confidence by not insisting everything be done her way.

Every Mother's Day I used to dream about waking up to a magically cleaned home, laundry done and put away, dusted, vacuumed. I come down stairs to a quiet kitchen and sip my coffee in peace. After a while my husband and kids come in the house with a picnic already packed and ready to go. All I have to do is get dressed and get in the car... Ahhh dreams...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

In the case of the OP she causes more stress trying to control the situation than is rewarded. This is her problem, not anyone else's. 

Yoga. Check it out OP. it can change your life.


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