# Who has the kids on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day?



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I don’t know if this is a question or a vent - maybe both. 

My XH has not seen the kids on Father’s Day since we split 8 years ago. Doesn’t seem to bother them and doesn’t seem to bother him, but every year it bothers me. So it is my issue to work through I guess. 

We did not spell out these days in our custody agreement. Our normal schedule is they are with him Monday overnight, Wednesday overnight and Friday afternoons. No weekends because he worked weekends. I said “worked” because when we divorced he had to work every weekend. After we split, when he met new wife he miraculously was able to get the weekends off. So yeah, that goes up my ass sideways that he hasn’t had them for a weekend in 8 years, not even for a few hours on Fathers Day. 

My new husband and his XW also didn’t spell out Mother’s/Father’s Day. Most years they have fallen on the correct OEW schedule anyway. This year it was flipped so he asked her if she wanted them home earlier on Mother’s Day and she asked him if he wanted them for a portion of today. 

In the above scenario each parent offered to give up their time to the other for the occasion, the parent wanting the time didn’t initiate the request. So should I be offering since technically it is my time? Is that the problem here? Maybe it is my fault. 

There is no doubt he loves his kids and we are friendly to each other. I don’t want to paint him as a bad guy because he isn’t. But he doesn’t attend any of my son’s sports on weekends and doesn’t try to see them on Father’s Day - it just makes me scratch my head.

Hmmm, he also doesn’t attend any plays or concerts or recitals they are in unless they fall on his nights, which they never do. He also doesn’t pay anything stipulated in our agreement outside of what the state takes out. Maybe he isn’t so nice - but I would much rather him be involved with them than have the money. But if you asked him I am sure he would think he is uber involved. So frustrating!

The kiddos are now 16 and 13 btw. Say something or let it be?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let it be. I'm in much the same position in that my ex didn't have that much to do with our boys. He'd see them on some weekends but has never gone to their events, barely knows where they go to school, and paid the bare minimum until he retired from the military. 

He now pays nothing. Why I don't pursue it would be a threadjack, but fortunately I make good money and my hb works.

Ex and I get along ok now. 

I've always taken the position that his relationship with his kids isn't my concern. I'm amicable and don't interfere, and now that the boys are 17 and 14 I have little to do with it. 17 year old drives so they coordinate with their dad. Sometimes I'll text ex to let him know about an event, but when he doesn't show I don't care.

My boys know and love him, but they know who he is. They know he doesn't show up or pay.

That's between them. I stay out of it and recommend that you do the same.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

We are only 2 weeks into shared custody. It was the first weekend with their mom. Since Father's Day fell on her Sunday we just used the state guidelines. I can spend the day with them. Same goes Mother's Day was on my weekend. I picked them up at 1, then dropped them back off at stbxws house at six, after Lunch, Incredibles 2 and Dairy Queen. Was a good day but emotional dropping them back off. I kept a happy face for the kids though. Just kind of burns me up that indescretions by someone else means I can't see my kids everyday anymore. Oh well, I digress ... Will have them back for my normal Monday and Tuesday nights tomorrow and it's back to my weekend this weekend 🙂

Sorry for the tangent but I would just let it be unless he has openly said or implied he doesn't spend father's day with them because it's your time or doesn't think you would let him for some reason.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: Who has the kids on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day?*

We had it worked into our custody agreement that our son would be with his father on Father's Day, with me on Mother's Day, and with each of us on our respective birthdays - regardless of the regular custody schedule. In reality, my ex-husband hasn't seemed to much care about such things and usually makes other plans for himself on special days, so our son in usually with me regardless. 

And I'm okay with that. Our son was 13 when we divorced and 18 now, so his relationship with his father has always been between the two of them. I'm happy to send my ex-husband information that comes home from school, an initial note regarding activities, and other general information about our son that he should have. But I'm not going to pester the man to spend time with his child if he doesn't want to do so, or attend events he apparently doesn't care to attend. He didn't show up for much when we were married, and that hasn't really changed. Our son is sometimes disappointed by the absences, but he's also under no illusions as to who his father is. He knows very well that his dad is just not the guy who shows up for things. It's a bit sad, but it also has never been a situation of my making, so I just stay out of it.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> We are only 2 weeks into shared custody. It was the first weekend with their mom. Since Father's Day fell on her Sunday we just used the state guidelines. I can spend the day with them. Same goes Mother's Day was on my weekend. I picked them up at 1, then dropped them back off at stbxws house at six, after Lunch, Incredibles 2 and Dairy Queen. Was a good day but emotional dropping them back off. I kept a happy face for the kids though. Just kind of burns me up that indescretions by someone else means I can't see my kids everyday anymore. Oh well, I digress ... Will have them back for my normal Monday and Tuesday nights tomorrow and it's back to my weekend this weekend 🙂
> 
> Sorry for the tangent but I would just let it be unless he has openly said or implied he doesn't spend father's day with them because it's your time or doesn't think you would let him for some reason.


Sorry, that had to be hard, but sounds like a fun day. Brief t/j - I promised my son we would go to Dairy Quuen this summer. I can’t believe he is 13 and we have never been there. There is only one anywhere near here and the line to pull into the parking lot is always around the block. I have no patience for that!

I will let it be and not say anything. Hell, if he wanted to see them I would probably be annoyed that I have to work my plans around him, so I will look at it as a blessing.


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