# Can a sexless marriage recovery?



## G4P (Jul 3, 2015)

A friend pointed me to this forum. I've seen some of the stories. I don't know how original mine will be. But I do hope I can get some help.

I'm 37 and my wife is 45. We were married almost 10 years ago but lived together 5 years before that. Right up to about the 2nd year of our marriage sex was absolutely awesome. Because the sex was awesome it seemed like everything else, while stressful at times, was awesome too. We communicated, we problem-solved, we had similar interests and interests that were not so similar.

She can have multiple orgasms. The only woman I've ever been with who could. On a good day, 4. On a not so good day, 1. There were times I couldn't keep up and I couldn't orgasm but it was still fun trying and I made sure she knew that. There was always cuddling after, talking and then sleep or getting ready for work. She was open to new ideas, toys, clothes etc. We didn't try a lot but the new stuff we did try was fun.

As I said, in the 2nd year things started to go down. We both have stressful jobs. I'm able to leave my stress at the door. She can't as much. I make a majority of our income but since we're married I never figured that was an issue. We pay our bills, life goes on. I started asking for sex, sometimes being nice and romantic, sometimes being more aggressive or passionate, like start with just kissing her for no reason than to just kiss. However, rejection was about 50/50. She would still orgasm when we had sex, and it was still more than 1. But we almost never went for 4.

I tried to look for the 'why' as in 'why did the sex stop happening'. Not much had changed in our life that was big. No big debts, no big job changes, nothing negative. We had a positive which was a move into a much larger place in a much better neighborhood. I looked at myself. I've been earning more money and my body hasn't changed as far as gaining weight. I keep myself well groomed and clean.

I sat my wife down for a talk but it seemed like to her 'sex is all you can think about'. It certainly isn't, but the lack of it is. I tried to explain the importance of sex, why we have sex, how great she is at it and how beautiful she looks to me. Once I got that out, I decided to back off. This, perhaps, was a mistake. For almost 2 years we had no sex. I told her that I wouldn't be the initiator and that I would wait for her to feel up for it.

Over 2 years, there was a lot of resentment that built up on my side. I felt hurt, undesired, unloved, neglected. I mean, put in as many words as you can and that's how I felt. Still, on the outside I kept up. I focused more on myself and my health. I had 2 sports related surgeries that I needed to recover from, neither that put out of action as far as work or being able to have sex though.

After 2 years, I had enough. I sat her down again to talk about it. I told her what had happened over the last 2 years. We had drifted apart. We were leading 2 separate lives and were more roommates than spouses. This all started with just not wanting to have sex anymore. Things needed to change, either for the better, as in getting help through counseling or medicine, or that they would get worse, as in divorce. At 37 I'm not ready to give up sex. I'm also not the type of person to have something on the side to keep that part of me satisfied.

That led me to ask if she had something on the side. I told her to be honest. She said no. She explained that she no longer looked at me as her husband so much as her family member. That her love for me had changed and that even kissing me felt wrong. This of course led me to believe that she was getting something on the side but since I had no proof, I couldn't do anything. She continued by saying that she doesn't know why she feels the way she feels.

I needed a couple of days to process this as this was not a happy conversation. The idea of her being unfaithful played was on my mind. She still insists that she's been faithful. That she has lost her desire for sex completely. Understanding that her age could be a factor, I asked if she had had her blood checked, a hormone profile done. She didn't and hasn't felt the need to. 

We it comes to kissing, for me this is very important. I asked her if she could stand up and kiss me right now. She said no. I told her that this was something she needed to figure out fast. No more baby steps and thinking that it will resolve itself someday. However, for the last 3 months she never made one appointment or saw one doctor. We now started to fight more and I started to really analyze the last years of our marriage.

Finally, last week, after watching her text friends from our sofa and have such a good time doing so, I decided that it was enough. I told her I wanted a divorce. She thought I was overreacting. I told her she was not reacting appropriately. There was some talk about whether the person she was texting was another man, it wasn't. Still, the fact that she could go on without trying to make things right in our home led me to feel like it was over.

It was only at this point that she said she would go to counseling. She made a very lame attempt at trying to be sexual with me. I say this because it felt very pushed and awkward, nothing like before. There was a little kissing, but again, it felt like she wanted to pull away from it. She wasn't in the moment. It ended half way through.

I see that many people in this situation say "She loves you but she's not IN love with you." Is this always the case? I do love her but right now I hate her just as much. Our fight started in June, it's now July. She says she's going to counseling this month but I haven't heard of an appointment being made yet. She told me she would let me know when and where.

I really want this to work, I really want her to recapture her love for me. But I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm the only person putting in any effort to make things great. If she has no interest in being in a sexual relationship then I can't see this as one that will heal. 

Please tell me there are some encouraging stories out there?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'd like to get a better understanding of your situation. At the time that sex started to drop off, how many hours a week were the two of you spending together to, just the two of you doing date-like things (going for walks, dinner out, stuff like that)? What sorts of things were you doing?

What about now? Do you two spend any quality time together?


Yes it's fixable. It's not easy to fix.

A book that I think would help you is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Yes, I know you do not think that an affair is going on. But if you read the book with the idea that you can replace "affair" with your wife's current state of mind, it can most likely help you a lot.

If your wife were here, I'd tell her to take care of her side of the street. But since you are the one how is here, you are the only one we can talk to. So you get the homework. 

After that book: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by the same author.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

So sorry you are here. Unfortunately, it appears that nothing has changed in the past month. She has promised to start counselling but hasn't followed through. You likewise have asked for a divorce but you haven't followed through either. This may be fixable; but, it looks like you may have to force the issue. It may be necessary to see an attorney and file to get her to understand you are serious.

Please don't settle for a sexless marriage. I pitty the men and women who are deprived of this wonderous connection. Life is too short to waste on a partner who isn't a partner.

(And I wouldn't be totally convinced there isn't someone else. And it doesn't have to be a guy!)


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Think about sex as a "gift" of the relationship, then think about the idea of one incessantly trying to force the other to enjoy this gift. Resentment builds and what was once fun is now burdened with frustration and negativity. 

So now there is this sad gift laying around the house encrusted in dried up tears, it was opened many years ago, and every so often one partner picks it up and gets angry that it is not being enjoyed anymore and that the gift is going to waste.... 

Instead try cleaning it up, taking some pride in it, wrapping it back up very playfully to make it look very different, smiling, and asking her, "holy cow WTF is this!!!!, you want to see???"

Best wishes and I hope you find a more playful and happy spot to be in soon.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## G4P (Jul 3, 2015)

@elegirl

When things were good we spent many hours a day together, almost everyday. We have a busy life where our work schedules almost never line up as far as time off, but we often spent the morning or evenings together. She gets 2 days a week off, I work everyday but not full days most times.

When things started to go down I figured it was stress etc. I kept trying to do things wiyh her. In tge last 2 years though that dropped to almost nothing. If there was a movie I wanted to see I'd ask if she had sny interest. If she did we would watch together. If not I would go alone.

Today, for the first rime in 2 years she's asked me to have dinner with her at a restaurant. But because there's such a big intimacy issue at the core, I have no idea how it will go.

My pastor says it sounds like she's just happy being a roommate. He's talked with her. Her lack of intimacy is troubling but he is sure there's no affair.

She's not very tech smart. If she were hiding an affair she would get caught. While I haven't ruled that out I can't attack her for something I have no proof of.

I do believe that her hormones are off. Still, not even wanting to check has me frustrated. Lsst night I decided to sleep in our guest room. She crawled into the bed after I fell asleep. She doesn't want to sleep alone. Still, there was no touching, cuddling or even a good morning.

I'll check the recommended books. I feel like I've given it my all and that if she wants it to work she's going to have to make some big changes, and that change starts with intimacy. I haven't gone this long without sex since highschool.

Or maybe tonights dinner is a way for her to explain the inevitable?


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## G4P (Jul 3, 2015)

Tonight's dinner was just dinner. Nothing else. I'm not sure what I was expecting.

I think I need to read before I ask more questions. I'm still open to more advice from members though.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

G4P, 
I think you are handling this VERY well and doing all the right things.
As far as her coming back, I don't know. You can never "force" someone to love you or force great sex. It's either there or it's not.
Again, I want to stress that you are taking this situation like a man and doing the right things.
I hope it works out for you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Make it clear to her that promises are nice, but at the end of the day they're just words. If her actions don't match them, then they don't mean anything. Personally I would file for divorce and explain to her that the process takes months before it becomes final. If her behavior changes in that time frame, the process can easily be stopped. And if things remain the same, you won't have wasted any time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's been showing you for the past 8 years that she has zero interest in having sex with you. Why do you not believe her? Her promises mean squat. Her vow to attend counseling means squat. She has been giving the absolute bare minimum and she will continue to do so until you are gone. After that, she will dream up a scenario in which you were unreasonable and she was the greatest thing since sliced bread to you. Will this change? Absolutely. In around 40 years or so you will lose interest in sex. You might get lucky and be struck by an ice cream truck with an inattentive driver which either kills you or renders you permanently mentally disabled to the extent that sex isn't interesting to you. Beyond that, it's either get out or deal with it until they drop you in a hole and start shoveling dirt on you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

File for divorce. Avoid the error that many men and women in sexless marriages make to wait years and years with nothing to show for it and eventually fall into an exit affair.

As WorkingOnMe said, the divorce process can take months, and sometimes years, before it becomes finalized. This gives the two of you plenty of time to address and possibly resolve your individual and marital issues.

Lastly I find it extremely insulting that the so called LD (lower sex drive) spouse would consider divorce as an overreaction because of the sexless marriage they have contributed in creating. It's one thing to be in a sexless marriage because of an unwanted and unforeseen disability befalling one spouse and quite another where a spouse simply chooses to ignore and acknowledge the natural need of her/his spouse for an emotional connection through sex. The former is justifiable while the latter is not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If one has adopted the posture for eight years that their allegedly married partner's basic needs are not important at all, why would any reason for divorce the victim partner presents be compelling or legitimate? The withholder's needs are all that matters. Their desires, fears, wants are all that matters. The other party exists to pay bills, take the trash out, cook, clean, or whatever. They aren't actual people. Only the withholding spouse could possibly have any legitimate complaint. It is a lifestyle based on serial selfishness. The breakup isn't likely to be a partnership, either. Every action or inaction, we must justify to ourselves. All those thousands of times she's turned him down, she had to justify in her own mind that she was right. In her mind, her needs actually do trump his. She's reinforced that belief thousands of times. Naturally, she's not going to see her withholding as a legitimate reason for him to leave. She hasn't given her permission yet for him to leave and he doesn't really exist.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> She explained that she no longer looked at me as her husband so much as her family member. That her love for me had changed and that even kissing me felt wrong. This of course led me to believe that she was getting something on the side but since I had no proof, I couldn't do anything. She continued by saying that she doesn't know why she feels the way she feels.


How incredibly hurtful!

Bearing in mind that you once had a very active and healthy sex life, it would appear that something has happened to change this, and I guess it's a case of figuring out what that 'something' is.

My only advice to you is that you absolutely insist on your W seeing her gynae to find out if she is, perhaps, menopausal (I was at 45), and that you both attend MC as soon as possible. I would also get hold of those books others have mentioned, because they're both excellent.

I don't think that this is something that should be allowed to drift on for much longer, but do explore all your options, OP, before going down the divorce route. Your wife needs to be made aware in no uncertain terms that the current situation continuing simply isn't an option for you.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> You might get lucky and be struck by an ice cream truck with an inattentive driver which either kills you or renders you permanently mentally disabled to the extent that sex isn't interesting to you. Beyond that, it's either get out or deal with it until they drop you in a hole and start shoveling dirt on you.


^^Couldn't help but :grin2: at this. But, he's right OP.


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## G4P (Jul 3, 2015)

I already have the papers. The texting was the tipping point for me. That was not the only thing just what pushed me. The papers are now on her desk with another set ready to go at my office.

I don't want to lose the person I married but refuse to live with the person she has become. I want to give her the opportunity now to really make a change. She mentioned her cycle is off so she needs to get her hormones checked anyway. Not sure if that was her way of saying she's going in to her doctor. She also insisted she was going to MC this month.

I don't know if she would kie or crack under pressure about an affair. Me asking her yo be honest may sound passive in words but not so much in person IMO. Still, it's a possibility. Without proof what can I do. I checked her computer and phone but nothing. She would have to be really smart to try and get away with it during work hours. Without going into too much detail, there would be evidence that woukd make it my way.

My pastor says to hold offon filing until MC and a doctors visit. After that her actions or inactions will dictate what I do next. He doesn't want to see us divorced. He's known us for too long and seen us at our happiest. He's talked with her as well. She knows that divorce is the end game if things don't change. More so, she now knows that at the core, sex and intimacy are our problem. 

She asked to watch a movie this weekend. Another first. I'm having a hard time enjoying these 'dates' knowing there's no intimacy to be had after. Is this me not being fair? Not giving the process of reconnecting a chance?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tha answer to your question is twofold. 

What do you want?

What are you strong enough to handle?

If you emotionally invest again, can you handle it not working? For the record, you are strong enough to handle anything, so the better question is do you want to take a risk over her one more time?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You will not get anywhere - much like a lot of people here on TAM - without a solid understanding of WHAT is happening and WHY it is happening. 

A few basic issues can be fixed but the more this goes on the greater the rift and the less chance of anything getting fixed. 

At least have the physical side covered with a proper medical evaluation. A lot of common wisdom here is to check and fix hormones etc etc. But there are side effects in many cases so that's a medical call to make, not simply a pill question.

In general either she knows this is happening and is doing this on purpose, she does not know, or somewhere in between. Counseling is also needed. If she refuses counseling or a medical evaluation then that's your answer.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

G4P said:


> @elegirl
> 
> 
> 
> I do believe that her hormones are off. Still, not even wanting to check has me frustrated. Lsst night I decided to sleep in our guest room. She crawled into the bed after I fell asleep. She doesn't want to sleep alone. Still, there was no touching, cuddling or even a good morning.


My experience with women her age is that sex is all they can think about.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She'd rather have your paycheck than not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

the short answer is no. but it doesn' have to end either. it can't 'recover' to something it never was.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Make it clear to her that promises are nice, but at the end of the day they're just words. If her actions don't match them, then they don't mean anything. Personally I would file for divorce and explain to her that the process takes months before it becomes final. If her behavior changes in that time frame, the process can easily be stopped. And if things remain the same, you won't have wasted any time.


Nailed it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

G4P said:


> A friend pointed me to this forum. I've seen some of the stories. I don't know how original mine will be. But I do hope I can get some help.
> 
> I'm 37 and my wife is 45. We were married almost 10 years ago but lived together 5 years before that. Right up to about the 2nd year of our marriage sex was absolutely awesome. Because the sex was awesome it seemed like everything else, while stressful at times, was awesome too. We communicated, we problem-solved, we had similar interests and interests that were not so similar.
> 
> ...


That is a major red flag. The equivalent of I love you but not in love with you. You need to go into investigative mode. Velcro a voice activated recorder under the passenger seat. She would use the commute to talk to affair partner or girlfriends about her affair. Do you have access to her phone, social media, and email? If not, get it. 

Your wife sounds like she's been in a very long term affair. Go read on Loveshack's OW section. There you can read post after post from woman discussing their multi-year affairs. Question after question about what their OM is up to. Not a thought about their husbands or children. 

Speaking of children, are there any involved here? If not, I would bounce. To stay in a sexless marriage with a woman that much older than me is beyond my comprehension but hey, we're all different.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

It is a major red flag... but to me, indicates something different. 

My wife said the exact same thing about family member, feeling wrong, etc, soon after we got married, after I lost my patience over the sexlessness. As it turned out, the problem was unresolved issues concerning CSA. She only started dealing with it when I made it clear that I had a time line for ending my own celibacy, with or without her. I would listen to WorkingOnMe if I were you.

Nowadays, we have a VERY active and fulfilling sex life. Sex, in of itself, was never what I needed. I needed the intimacy. 

It's not uncommon for us to go months on end without having sex due to my job, but the intimacy is back. 


Word of advice though, describe to her what progress looks like to you, and then praise her for her efforts when she makes them. She is probably making those dates as an effort to improve things. Tell her what you are really looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Look up bff's thread.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Can a sexless marriage recover, yes. Is it worth all the effort it will take? I don't know. 

You are taking "tops down" view of sex in marriage. You need to take the "bottom's up" view of sex in marriage. I'm sorry for the puns.

You think fix the sex and the marriage will be fixed. But you have to fix the marriage to fix the sex.

The problems with your marriage are that you have allowed work, stress and other things to come before it. You and your wife need to be connected for her to want to be sexual with you.

Another piece of information is that when faced with divorce, your wife is willing to have sex. That's an important piece of information.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> It is a major red flag... but to me, indicates something different.
> 
> My wife said the exact same thing about family member, feeling wrong, etc, soon after we got married, after I lost my patience over the sexlessness. As it turned out, the problem was unresolved issues concerning CSA.


I had the same thought, child sex abuse.

Good therapy is required no matter what the cause is for her. If she has a trauma history, that needs to come out and then be dealt with. She'll need IC for herself, and you both need MC together. If it isn't some kind of sex abuse or other trauma, you still need MC to get on a guided plan. Recovering from such a dysfunctional marriage is not a DIY project, it needs professional intervention.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

"Can a sexless marriage recover?"

I suppose it can in some cases, but it was not possible in mine. We divorced.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Can a sexless marriage recover - yes, but rarely. More often there is the appearance of recovery, but it just backslides again.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Can a sexless marriage recover - yes, but rarely. More often there is the appearance of recovery, but it just backslides again.


when it backslides, why not just do what worked last time? and if it doesnt work, try something else?

i used to worry about backsliding and such, that all the improvement was only temporary. as it turned out, the temporary improvements were frequent enough to feel like a permanent change. 

mainly because i would not tolerate the old marriage anymore.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
in my case the backslides are ever so slow. Each step reasonable until I realize that I have been the "frog in a pot" again. Then the discussions that fix things temporarily are very unpleasant. 

Still it has been working and I'm reasonable happy.

OTOOH, sex has been a significant stress for most of my life, and that isn't something I would wish on someone else. Better to marry someone with whom you are compatible. 




As'laDain said:


> when it backslides, why not just do what worked last time? and if it doesnt work, try something else?
> 
> i used to worry about backsliding and such, that all the improvement was only temporary. as it turned out, the temporary improvements were frequent enough to feel like a permanent change.
> 
> mainly because i would not tolerate the old marriage anymore.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i doubt ill have to deal with the frog in the pot simply because i am gone so often. in my current position, im only home for a few months a year. there is always so much to do, reintegrate, get ready to leave, come back, get ready to leave, etc. 

when it comes to our relationship, its a constant frying pan to freezer series of transitions. it would be hard for either of us to do anything gradually...

that may end up being a good thing. we are so used to drastic changes that implementing them is like second nature. that could be a bad thing, but i dont think it will. so long as at least one of us keeps working on keeping the marriage alive.


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## G4P (Jul 3, 2015)

Her childhood was good. She was an only child. Otherwise a normal life. Her parents older than other parents, they had her late in their 30's when others were having kids in their early 20's. That's about the only issue there was between her and her parents. There is no other family, a very small family.

She's traveled the world, before we met. She's been in good and bad relationships. Some were violent but being as she was strong, she got out. I've never raised a hand to her or demanded anything that was inappropriate. In the first years of our relationship and marriage, we were very much the crazy in love couple. Because of that, everything was awesome. The sex, the communication, the everything.

She admitted she needed counseling. However, she's leaving things to the last minute it seems. She came home yesterday, said hello, took a shower, then enjoyed a drink alone on the balcony. I don't know that she's quite in tune with what's happening. She may think that the divorce will go away.

She promised counseling this month, so I'm just focused on getting myself emotionally ready this month. I've made the decision to start cleaning and packing for a move in August. September is when I start shopping for an apartment and likely November is when I move out of this apartment. It gives me time to fix finances on my end. She can't afford to live in our current apartment on her own. She won't be able to bring someone else in either as when I leave there's a waiting list of new tenants.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

G4P said:


> She admitted she needed counseling. However, she's leaving things to the last minute it seems. She came home yesterday, said hello, took a shower, then enjoyed a drink alone on the balcony. I don't know that she's quite in tune with what's happening. She may think that the divorce will go away.
> 
> She promised counseling this month, so I'm just focused on getting myself emotionally ready this month. I've made the decision to start cleaning and packing for a move in August. September is when I start shopping for an apartment and likely November is when I move out of this apartment. It gives me time to fix finances on my end. She can't afford to live in our current apartment on her own. She won't be able to bring someone else in either as when I leave there's a waiting list of new tenants.


What strikes me from this, and your other thread, is:

1) she _knows_ the relationship/intimacy has died... but...
2) she displays _no motivation_ to fix it... which means...
3) she is happy(est) with the status quo of just being roommates, and she prefers this because...
4) she still wants what you bring to her ($$$, as she can't afford to live there alone), so ...
5) she takes ($$$, etc) from you and gets her needs satisfied, but does not reciprocate, leaving you...
6) unsatisfied to the point where you take action and file for D.

Now:
1) she says whatever she thinks will get you to stop/reconsider, but...
2) she is only talking, not doing. No urgency to go to MC, not even to spend time with you... that implies...
3) she wants what you _do for and give to her, but not you, the person as an intimate partner. That means...
4) she no longer sees as her mate/primary, and has lost respect for you as that.

If you go down the route of trying to fix the marriage, I am going to bet a large amount of money the following will happen: She'll go to MC, and on dates with you, etc. but there will be an element of reluctance because she's is doing it to save her situation/face/meal ticket/whatever.. That is, any and every reason EXCEPT that she loves you deeply and wants to spend and share the rest of her life intimately with you. She will do what she perceives as the bare minimum to keep her comfortable situation going, but she is going to internally resent you for it - for "making her" be with you and be intimate with you. And she'll be much more open to the idea of dropping you if she feels she can land a better situation with someone else. She's fallen out of love (the kind you once had) with you, and that's almost never comes back.

All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

Good luck.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Anubis said:


> What strikes me from this, and your other thread, is:
> 
> 1) she _knows_ the relationship/intimacy has died... but...
> 2) she displays _no motivation_ to fix it... which means...
> ...


OP, what @Anubis describes above as your situation also describes the end stage of my former marriage to a tee, just replace "she" with "he." Every time I raised my concerns over the state of our sexless marriage and how it was hurting me emotionally, he said whatever it took to placate me in the moment, and then... nothing changed. When I had "the talk" (I can't call it DDay because I didn't explicitly say divorce, but I did say I couldn't continue in a sexless marriage), he behaved just as your wife did--said whatever he could to try to placate me and convince me not to leave, and then a week later acted like it never happened. He dragged his feet on MC for four months, and once we got there, only did the bare minimum--showed up and put on a happy, everything-is-sunshine-and-roses face for the counselor--to keep me from walking out the door.

But at that point, I'd had enough. Have you had enough yet?



happy as a clam said:


> "Can a sexless marriage recover?"
> 
> I suppose it can in some cases, but it was not possible in mine. We divorced.


It wasn't possible in mine, either. We divorced. While we were separated, he found a woman who made more money than me and had all these great hook-ups because she worked as a lobbyist (things like free box seats at sporting events, concerts, things like that). We were discussing reconciliation six months into our separation, and I told him if we were to reconcile, he would have to cut off all contact with her. His primary concerns were that a) she would be "collateral damage" if he and I reconciled, and b) if he "chose" me, then he would have to give up all those perks, because I didn't offer as much financially, or have any of my own hook-ups/perks to bring to the table. 

That's CRAZY, right?

I'm not posting this because I want to hijack your thread. The point is, ^THIS^ is CRAZY. ^THIS^ isn't love, or someone who is looking for a true partnership. And... ^THIS^ is exactly the kind of person you're dealing with.

Ultimately, though, my XH wouldn't be the one to fully end the relationship. He refused to put the effort into saving our marriage, but told everyone that I stopped loving him. He chose to move out, but told everyone that I made him leave. He refused to file; I had to do it. I was the one who had to legally walk away, even though I was the one who wanted to work on the marriage.

But, at some point you have to say enough is enough. Go forward with the filing, there's no point in waiting for her to make a massive change that won't ever come.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

G4P said:


> A friend pointed me to this forum. I've seen some of the stories. I don't know how original mine will be. But I do hope I can get some help.
> 
> 
> ...We both have stressful jobs. I'm able to leave my stress at the door. She can't as much.
> ...


Add about 20 years of everything to your story and that is me and my wife. Yes, I was in a sex starved marriage. Through Chapman's 5 languages of Love, I learned that my wife still loved me; she just didn't communicate it in my love languages. I learned that I had hurt her and made her feel abandoned because I hadn't shown her love in her love languages.

I read Glover and learned that for years I have been the ultimate Nice Guy and made tons of covert contracts in my mind that my wife knew nothing of to try to win her love and sexuality back.

MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage book also helped a lot in figuring out my Get a Life and 180's. I also got rid of all my anger and resentment toward her and started to provide her unconditional love and affection in her love languages, but not pressure her for sex in any way. That along with the new lighter, fitter, better looking me (who was noticed and commente on by a lot of my wife's women friends) got her attention to the point she asked if she could read some of the dozens of books that were being delivered and that I was reading. I started her out on Chapmans 5 Languages of Love, MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage, and ultimately on Sue Johnson's hold me Tight.

At my insistence she saw a medical doctor who checked her hormone levels, where were fine. I told her after about 5 months without her wanting sex that we needed to see a board certified sex therapist. I found a really great one who helped us a lot. The lady sex therapist ripped my wife apart emothionally in a polite way by asking her what she wanted from marriage, if she was getting it, what she was putting into the marriage and what she would expect to happen if nothing changed. Ultimately my wife said she expected we would divorce. The therapist asked if I had thoughts of divorce. I said I had made myself a promise several months ago that I was going to do everything in my power to save this marriage, but that I would be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman by a certain milestone birthday and it that meant divorcing my wife, I was prepared to keep my promise to myself.

If you want your marriage to succeed, read Sex Starved Marriage, 5 Languages of Love and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. Then continue to change yourself. But focus on giving up you anger and hatred toward your wife. Also focus on giving her unconditional love. Be an example to her that change is possible. Don't try to change her, only she can do that.

Then once she has seen the change, get the help of a really good Sex Therapist. 

Good luck, Yes a sexless marraige can recover. For the past 3+ years we have been having sex twice a week. Life is good.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

G4P said:


> A friend pointed me to this forum. I've seen some of the stories. I don't know how original mine will be. But I do hope I can get some help.
> 
> I'm 37 and my wife is 45. We were married almost 10 years ago but lived together 5 years before that. Right up to about the 2nd year of our marriage sex was absolutely awesome. Because the sex was awesome it seemed like everything else, while stressful at times, was awesome too. We communicated, we problem-solved, we had similar interests and interests that were not so similar.
> 
> ...



I think she had fantastic sex with you often to get you to marry her and then a few years later, her true self came out and she is probably a low sex drive LD woman. Sex and physicality aren't very important "to her". She likes the fact you are in bed together, knowing you are beside her. She seems to have married you for emotional and financial security more than anything.

If she gets it and starts having sex with you often again, not 1 - 2x week, that's just enough to keep your marriage going sex, but maybe once every second day, 3 - 4x every week, that would tell me she is serious and actually likes and wants sex with you.

When she married you, she isn't her own anymore. That means her body is now yours and your body is now hers. She is to take care of your needs as her own and not what she wants. She is not taking care of you and your needs as her own. This is not a loving wife and she is married for the wrong reasons.

You can talk to her about it, discuss divorce and then she might start having sex with you so you don't divorce and a few weeks or months later, she is back to her old LD ways again.

Sexual mismatch is very common and finding that hubby or wifee that is sexually the same as you is the million dollar question.

The old saying goes, actions speak louder than words...........

She might be having an emotional or physical affair. Monitor her and find out for sure because when the sex just stops, that is a red flag.

Also, if she says, all you talk about and want is sex!!!! Of course, because she doesn't want sex with you in the first place, so you are sexually starved, going crazy, she knows, talks and does nothing, so when you initiate, its still your fault, all you talk about and want is sex........that's not cool on her part. If she took care of your needs as her own, you wouldn't be talking about and initiating sex much because you aren't sexually starved.

If there was only a way to find out who is really LD and not marry them, unless you too are LD.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It can recover if the list of actions (books, 180, talks, counseling, medical, possibility of divorce in no particular order). But if the LD person has enough foresight or motivation to go thru counseling etc that means he / she is vested enough in the marriage to save it.

If those options that involve her/him are offered but declined that's your answer.


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## maybenextweek (Aug 4, 2015)

The short answer is yes but in the scenario you describe, yoiur wife has not shown any indication that she desires a change. It sounds like you have been very clear to her about the threat this poses to your marriage and she has not provided any evidence that she has any respect for you. It may be time to act on your alternatives.


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