# Am I stupid to get upset over a haircut?



## EllaBella (Apr 13, 2016)

I would love some outside advice on a situation I'm in. I don't know if my husband is mentally abusive or if I'm too needy, clingy, insecure, emotionally out of control and paranoid. I'm a mess right now.

So he left this morning for a boys ski trip overseas. Will be away for just over a week. 

For the last maybe 4-5 months or so he's been growing his hair and beard out and looking like a scruffy wild bikie bushranger. (He's a conservative business owner.) It borders on eccentricity. His family and friends are all incredulous when they see him and like "WHAT THE - ???" Every time we socialise anywhere, it's a big topic of conversation. I don't particularly like it, but everyone is entitled to style themselves the way they want and my attitude has been head shaking ruefullness and seeing the funny side of it. I've defended him to his family (who are dismayed) and I say I've always liked his quirkiness. It does sometimes look good and it's growing on me. I've totally supported him in his hair growing enterprise. Also I'd probably rather a rugged man who wasn't vain than a manscaped metrosexual. 

BUT last night on the eve of his ski trip, he came home with it all styled and cut! To impress WHO?? Certainly didn't bother about impressing me. It's not like an overseas trip was the tipping point to get it cut, we traveled overseas together last month. It's like all of a sudden, it matters to him how he looks. My heart just sank when he walked in. He's finally sprucing himself up, so he can impress the girls in the apres ski bar. 

To add to this, about 7-8 years ago he had a thing with someone he met on a ski trip, in fact I'm pretty sure he met her at the same ski resort he's going to this time. He would have met her soon after he'd begun a relationship with me, and continued a long distance text message romance while also building a relationship with me, and then made plans to see her on the next ski trip a year later, a month or two after we'd moved in together. Since then, there's been nothing to suggest that he's unfaithful, but as soon as I knew they were going to that particular resort for this current ski trip, I immediately thought of it. However, I refrained from bringing it up. So it's not like he committed a crime and 7 years later I'm still harping on at every opportunity.

So I asked him why he'd finally got his hair cut and he was non committal. I then expressed my concerns, and asked about the girl and was she possibly going to be there .. rookie mistake, I guess. He got angry. (He always responds with anger to confrontation on any topic.) I don't necessarily believe that he's going to meet her there, but as I said to him, I needed him to have the generosity of heart to reassure me. I didn't speak to him with belligerence or accusation, it was more with an insecure, worried attitude. So he started shouting and swearing and telling me I was crazy, then demanded I leave the room. So I shouted back that he'd had that affair and how did he frikn expect me to feel and why the f* didn't he bother cutting his hair for ME! 

By the time it was bedtime 2 hours later, I had been calm and trying to make the peace, saying let's not fight, I have insecurity issues, but please can we go to bed in peace, it's awful to have a fight on the eve of you going away. But he was still furious and insisted I sleep in the spare room. He knows that really upsets me.

He left very early this morning (I was asleep) and came in to the spare room and briefly kissed me goodbye on the cheek. I texted him an hour or so later, just saying enjoy the flight and brief in-joke thing with an x at the end. No reply, and he would have had plenty of time to reply. He can easily simmer in a fight for a week or more, so it's possible I won't hear a thing from him the whole time he's away. I'm soft hearted and that will really upset me. Is this normal? How can I toughen up?

I feel like this is a brutally cruel thing to do to me, like how can you be with someone who would inflict distress on their partner like this. Should I just shake it off? Is there a resilience pill I can take? I don't know how to handle things. I know showing weakness and insecurity and neediness is a BIG mistake, but I really do feel pinged by the fact that he finally cut his hair especially for this trip and I just couldn't stop myself saying something. 

I feel better now after having put all this down in writing, but I'd still like to hear other's opinions on this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

No. You should not shake it off. You were rightfully confused and upset. You shared it with him. He went ballistic on you. That's not okay. I think you might be right about him meeting a woman there based on his over the top response. I recommend you check all his social media and his phone records while he's gone. If he finds out, he's going to have a fit, but his behavior towards you is the problem, not you checking on what might be happening.

I'm sorry to not be able to reassure you, but this doesn't look good.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

The haircut is merely the most recent manifestation of a bigger problem. So no, you're not stupid.

Something is going on. There's no reason for him to get angry about you questioning why he's all the sudden glit and glam, now that he's vacationing without you. But, you did say that he becomes angry in response to any type of confrontation. But even so, he needs to grow up, and behave like an adult. Not lash out because he feels like a naughty eighth grader whenever someone suggests he did something wrong.

An affair is possible. I would purchase a VAR (voice activated recorder) and secure it to something under his car seat. If he's messing around with another woman, any phone calls made or received while in his car may reveal it to you. If you can afford it, hiring a PI to shadow your husband for one or two of the days he's away would get you answers.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So... does he now look like his passport photo?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

A few questions for you. 
Why is he still taking trips without you when he cheated before?
Why are you not going with him?
Why on earth did you leave your bedroom,if he wants to sulk let him sleep in the spare room. 
Why do you appear to be afraid of him,is he violent?

Do not contact him until he apologizes for the way he treated you. 
Speak to a lawyer and if you want to be nasty about it let your husband know while he is away that you are speaking to one.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H seems way too "overtouchous" about your questioning him! To the point of relegating you to the spare bedroom? 

An investigation of sorts is definitely overdue!*


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Unhealthy dynamic here...

He is controlling with anger--banishes you from the bedroom? Has a history of cheating. He knew you would react to his 'clean-up.'

Do not let him blame you for any indiscretions. Whatever happens on this trip is pre-planned. Many men and women think they deserve a little extra--excitement, sex, single break, whatever--this is BS-- and should not be part of marriage.

You do not trust him. Do you have children? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with an angry, emotional abuser? Would a surprise polygraph on his return be appropriate?

I agree with @Andy1001 and others.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EllaBella said:


> I feel like this is a brutally cruel thing to do to me, like how can you be with someone who would inflict distress on their partner like this. Should I just shake it off? Is there a resilience pill I can take? I don't know how to handle things. I know showing weakness and insecurity and neediness is a BIG mistake, but I really do feel pinged by the fact that he finally cut his hair especially for this trip and I just couldn't stop myself saying something.


The only "cruelty" being doled out here is your OWN cruelty - toward yourself. I mean, how many times do you have to burn your damned hand on the stove before you *finally *stop putting your hand on the burner?

This April will be 3 years since you posted about this abusive, lying, cheating POS and you're *STILL* with him and you're *STILL* dealing with his sleazy bull****. He's an abusive serial cheater and they don't change.

You KNOW he's abusive. You KNOW he's a sleazy cheater. You KNOW he's a low life. And you do NOTHING about getting away from this POS and trying to live a healthier more authentic life but choose instead to cling to your abuser like grim death and keep hoping for a miracle that isn't coming. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting *different *results. 

You need to stop burying your head in the sand. I'm sure I won't win any popularity contests with this post but I refuse to shovel more sand on top of your head in order to keep you deluded. That's gotten you NOWHERE.

Wake up, Ella.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Two different things here. 

It does seem suspicious that he cut his beard for this trip given his past history. How often does he go on fun trips without you? Has he neatened up his appearance on other occasions?

Separately, while he has a right to look as he wishes, this seems a bit odd. Is his behavior odd in other ways that are worrisome?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Went back through your thread history. Your husband is an angry, abusive ass. Why in the hell are you still there??


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> A few questions for you.
> *Why is he still taking trips without you when he cheated before?*
> Why are you not going with him?
> Why on earth did you leave your bedroom,if he wants to sulk let him sleep in the spare room.
> ...



It's in bright red, bold, underlined, extra large font. Wish I could make flash as well. 

With past adultery on his record, if he was in any way reformed and committed to you, he would recoil in terror at the very thought of going on vacation without you. His whole life would revolve around reassuring you and making you the center of his universe. The fact that he'd even consider going on vacation without you, let alone to the exact same location as a past indiscretion, means he still has no respect, or love, for you. 

I'm sorry that's so harsh, but I couldn't find a softer way to say it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So If I get a haircut tonight (and I'm seriously considering it) am I an abusive ass?
Or am I attractive?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> So If I get a haircut tonight (and I'm seriously considering it) am I an abusive ass?
> Or am I attractive?


Depends on your motivation. If you're doing it because you're about to meet up with your paramour at a ski lodge and have a fun fling away from your wife, then yep, that makes you an ass.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@EllaBella So, cutting his hair and beard did not stop him being an arse?

You are married to a prize turnip who screams at his wife: "Get out of my room!"

I mean... seriously? What kind of a man even _does_ that?

A manchild. That's what.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> A few questions for you.
> *Why is he still taking trips without you when he cheated before?*
> Why are you not going with him?
> Why on earth did you leave your bedroom,if he wants to sulk let him sleep in the spare room.
> ...


Highlighted both these in bold red for emphasis. Can you please answer?

With all the crap you've taken from him, at this point I honestly think I'd be done. I wouldn't be there when he got back.


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## EllaBella (Apr 13, 2016)

Going on trips without me... I'd hate to impose a lifetime rule to limit his freedom. In any case, he'd never put up with it... he'd accuse me of 'controlling' him. 

No, he's not violent but if I don't leave the room he would physically remove me. I am afraid of him I guess. Not necessarily physically afraid, but gets so angry and is able to hold a punishing grudge for so long that it's a really distressing experience for me. I dread making him angry. 


He honestly can't talk about anything controversial or be challenged in an opinion without getting angry. Like it's almost a mental disability. He got angry about this, but no angrier than he would about anything else. 


I don't think it was quite adultery. He met her when our relationship was just starting. I lived elsewhere so we only saw each other on the weekends or for holidays. He stayed in touch with her all that year via intense texting and phone calls. We were married at the end of the year and I moved in with him. 

It's worth pointing out that the wedding was necessary for immigration reasons. I'm not into weddings so it was very low key and casual. I don't think we'd be married if it wasn't for practical reasons. He'd never been married before and was a commitment phobe. It was a huge, happy surprise to his friends and family when he and I married and nobody could quite believe that he'd finally settled down. *also just want to add that I didn't pressure him into getting married, it was his idea to sort out the immigration issues.

Shortly after I moved in with him he went on the trip where he saw her. I looked on his phone afterwards. He'd planned it all well ahead of time. He asked her to meet him in Mexico, where he was having a stopover. She at first didn't want to because he wasn't single, but then she changed her mind but wanted him to pay flights and he wouldn't, he said he would pay the hotel 'no strings attached'. So then she said she was coming and buy her own flights, but in the end made up some lame excuse to not come. So then he traveled to meet her in her home. I don't think they slept together, but possibly would have happened if she'd met him in Mexico.

To be honest this memory is so painful I think I've almost suppressed it because I can't understand MYSELF why I would put up with this. I guess when I found out we'd just been married and I'd just moved my kids in and it was massive upheaval and would have been a devastating, humiliating catastrophe to just move on right out again. He was apologetic in his own non communicative way.

I guess I chalked it up to him adjusting to a serious relationship commitment and resolving his conflicts with that. I've been checking his phone ever since and I do believe he's faithful. I think he would have a good time chatting to people if he's away on a ski trip and especially enjoy talking to an attractive woman, but I don't really have a major problem with that. It's ok to talk to people and I do that myself.

He hasn't contacted me and he'd normally have sent a text by now,so it looks like this is how he's going to play it... give me the silent treatment while he's away. So cruel.

Why do I stay? Mostly because I can't afford to move out. I don't know what I'd do. I would leave him just for my own self respect but I'd put myself out in the cold with an incredible struggle to battle through the rest of my life. I've really been trying to get myself together financially but nothing's working. I'm in my late forties. By the way I have high enough self esteem and still get lots of male attention so that's not the problem.

Also don't forget you're hearing only the bad, and not the good. We have lots of good times together. He's really caring in many ways. We're seriously into fishing trips and we're a perfect match in that way. He just bought me a great fishing rod and spent days tracking down the right one for me, getting it perfectly rigged, finding me the best gloves and kit. When we go skiing he spends all his time and efforts shepherding me and my kids around, taking care of us and keeping us safe. I'm so conflicted.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I don’t know where you live @EllaBella but if you live in the US then you have certain rights and the law will back you up.
If he ever physically tries to remove you from anywhere against your will then call the cops.He is a violent bully and you are frightened of him no matter what you think.
As I told you earlier,you need to talk to a lawyer.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

That damn fishing rod could be made of platinum and I wouldn't stay. Re-read what you wrote. You've set the bar pitifully low.

Can family help you? Find the means to leave.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EllaBella said:


> No, he's not violent but if I don't leave the room he would physically remove me. I am afraid of him I guess. Not necessarily physically afraid, but gets so angry and is able to hold a punishing grudge for so long that it's a really distressing experience for me. I dread making him angry.





> He honestly can't talk about anything controversial or be challenged in an opinion without getting angry. Like it's almost a mental disability. He got angry about this, but no angrier than he would about anything else.





> Shortly after I moved in with him he went on the trip where he saw her. I looked on his phone afterwards. He'd planned it all well ahead of time. He asked her to meet him in Mexico, where he was having a stopover. She at first didn't want to because he wasn't single, but then she changed her mind but wanted him to pay flights and he wouldn't, he said he would pay the hotel 'no strings attached'. So then she said she was coming and buy her own flights, but in the end made up some lame excuse to not come. So then he traveled to meet her in her home. I don't think they slept together, but possibly would have happened if she'd met him in Mexico.





> He hasn't contacted me and he'd normally have sent a text by now,so it looks like this is how he's going to play it... give me the silent treatment while he's away. So cruel.





> Also don't forget you're hearing only the bad, and not the good.


Well, you just keep telling yourself that the 'good' outweighs all the bad, Ella. I guess if that's what you need to do, then that's what you need to do.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EllaBella said:


> Why do I stay? *Mostly because I can't afford to move out. I don't know what I'd do.* I would leave him just for my own self respect but I'd put myself out in the cold with an incredible struggle to battle through the rest of my life. I've really been trying to get myself together financially but nothing's working. I'm in my late forties. By the way I have high enough self esteem and still get lots of male attention so that's not the problem.


This doesn't have to be permanent. You are obviously not going anywhere not matter what anyone here says. I can understand your position. However, that doesn't mean this is a permanent situation or that you can't make progress while staying with him. I recommend you formulate a plan to become financially independent and to grow in your boundaries.

Get yourself into therapy immediately. Find a good therapist. You don't have to stick with a therapist that isn't helping you, so don't settle on someone until you can see that it's helping. The therapist will give you books to read and help you learn how to communicate with your husband. You may never be able to talk to him about anything uncomfortable for him, but you will learn how to deal with the situation in a healthy way.

What are you good at and what do you enjoy that would also be a good career? Look into that and then get yourself into school to learn to do what you like to develop a skill for a career. Once you have a job, you can either move out then or you can begin to develop a financial portfolio of your own. You'll have to split it with him when you leave, but he'll have to split finances with you as well.

Once you have grown through therapy and you are financially independent, your husband will no longer have all the power in the relationship and he may be willing to make changes to make your marriage work. After all, by that time you will have slowly, but incrementally been able to change the dynamic of your relationship and perhaps he will realize a power shift has happened and he is the one who has to step up and make some changes in order to keep you around.

Above all, please do not stay stuck in your situation. Make a plan to grow and take back the power in your own life. You don't need to have power over him, but you do need to have power to meet your personal responsibilities to your own emotional and financial health.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

If it happened that my husband tells me to get out of my own bedroom and go in the spare room. I would get out of the bedroom nd that wold be the last time we would be described as a couple. I do not get how he feels empowered to do that. The angry one should be the one to storm out and calm down somewhere, then come back when calm. 

You ae in an odd situation.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Were you married previously? Do you have children with him? How many children total and ages? Whose immigration status was improved by the marriage? Was there some sort of business bargain? Sounds like no one expected him to be 'faithful' to your marriage? 

Again, emotional abuse is unacceptable-- that is, anger and mere threat of violence. His refusing to talk, you walking on eggshells, his blatant disrespect all portent increasing problems and withholding. Your children are growing up in an atmosphere that will skew their beliefs on marriage. 

You are concerned about cheating, but married a 'player.' We are concerned about abuse. 

There are women's shelters in most vicinities. Should you decide to break out of the abuse and cycle of violence, contact the National Violence hotline in the country in which you live and they will help you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> If it happened that my husband tells me to get out of my own bedroom and go in the spare room. I would get out of the bedroom nd that wold be the last time we would be described as a couple. I do not get how he feels empowered to do that. The angry one should be the one to storm out and calm down somewhere, then come back when calm.
> 
> You ae in an odd situation.


Same. I'd stay in there just 'cause I can bahahahaha. Don't tell me what to do dammit!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Same. I'd stay in there just 'cause I can bahahahaha. Don't tell me what to do dammit!


Or you could use your avatar,that always makes me laugh. 
I hope you’re coping ok with your husband working abroad and I really hope that your stepdaughter isn’t taking it too badly. 
Your past the halfway mark so the countdown starts now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have much bigger problems than his haircut. But you know that. The question really is what are you doing about those problems.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Or you could use your avatar,that always makes me laugh.
> I hope you’re coping ok with your husband working abroad and I really hope that your stepdaughter isn’t taking it too badly.
> Your past the halfway mark so the countdown starts now.


Thankyou 

We're going ok, our girl is coping really well, I'm so proud of her. Change is really hard for her, and I've done the best I can to keep her routine the same as always but it's still different, she's a champ 

Hubby and I had a hiccup yesterday, he said something that hurt my feelings and really upset me (he didn't mean to, he is mild Aspergers himself so sometimes has no filter lol, combine that with emotional me who can sometimes be over sensitive and sometimes there'll be a problem lol), I was crying and said I needed to end the call. He called a bit later to try to talk but I was too upset and said we needed to go, and try again this morning. We did, and all is well now 

Two weeks this Mon and he'll be home, woo hoo!!! :grin2:


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> So If I get a haircut tonight (and I'm seriously considering it) am I an abusive ass?
> Or am I attractive?


That depends on how unusual you getting a haircut is and how you react when Mrs. Nail asks you why you decided to get it cut now.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your gut is right, trust it even if he denies it. So what do you do from here? Do you want to keep dealing with this? It isn't going to stop. This is who he is. It is not a reflection of who you are, it is a reflection of who he is.


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## EllaBella (Apr 13, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> This doesn't have to be permanent. You are obviously not going anywhere not matter what anyone here says. I can understand your position. However, that doesn't mean this is a permanent situation or that you can't make progress while staying with him. I recommend you formulate a plan to become financially independent and to grow in your boundaries.
> 
> Get yourself into therapy immediately. Find a good therapist. You don't have to stick with a therapist that isn't helping you, so don't settle on someone until you can see that it's helping. The therapist will give you books to read and help you learn how to communicate with your husband. You may never be able to talk to him about anything uncomfortable for him, but you will learn how to deal with the situation in a healthy way.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to offer advice and a wakeup call. It's so good to get another perspective.

I especially appreciate the wise words quoted above which I'm going to put into action. The crux of this whole problem is my financial woes (long boring story but it's a combination of bad luck and bad management). Even if I did get some sort of settlement out of this marriage, I would find it hard to live with myself - I don't see any reason why he should give me money if I leave. I haven't contributed to his wealth in any practical way so why should I walk away with some of it? In any case, even if I did get something from him out of sheer desperation, I'd still need to be able to support myself. Also there's no way I would want to start another relationship until I could. Until I feel financially secure and self supporting, I feel so weak and powerless. I think that's making him worse. Until the power shift happens, I do really feel stuck. 

When I'm in a better position to try to get things to change, he's either going to raise up the better side of himself and make the effort keep me, or go further up his own butt, and be outraged that I'm daring to stand up for myself, and become an even worse person. Some men can only handle weak women.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> Depends on your motivation. If you're doing it because you're about to meet up with your paramour at a ski lodge and have a fun fling away from your wife, then yep, that makes you an ass.





WorkingWife said:


> That depends on how unusual you getting a haircut is and how you react when Mrs. Nail asks you why you decided to get it cut now.


No and no.
I have shorter hair, that's all. And that is all the difference that occurred In EllaBella's life as well. I'm not saying that it isn't a mess. I'm not saying it's healthy. What I'm saying is that getting a hair cut is as much a mans prerogative as putting on makeup is for women. Obviously.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> No and no.
> I have shorter hair, that's all. And that is all the difference that occurred In EllaBella's life as well. I'm not saying that it isn't a mess. I'm not saying it's healthy. What I'm saying is that getting a hair cut is as much a mans prerogative as putting on makeup is for women. Obviously.


Well sure, but it's the timing here that makes it an issue. Let's say Mrs. Nail NEVER wears makeup to work or when she goes out with you. Then she mentions some new guy who just got hired where she works and she simultaneously starts dressing nicer and wearing makeup to work every day. Coincidence?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

WorkingWife said:


> Well sure, but it's the timing here that makes it an issue. Let's say Mrs. Nail NEVER wears makeup to work or when she goes out with you. Then she mentions some new guy who just got hired where she works and she simultaneously starts dressing nicer and wearing makeup to work every day. Coincidence?


to rebut your rebuttal:
Mrs nail never wears make up to work or on dates with me, but she always wears makeup to her church womens group meetings. Coincidence? or is she obviously having a hot lesbian affair at church? 

No she feels more confident in make up, just as a man may feel more confident with some sharp grooming. 

It's not so much timing as it is paranoia, (well earned paranoia) but really not credible evidence of anything.
To put it way too bluntly, My Haircut, My Self!
You see that's the whole problem here, I'm a liberated man. Mrs. Nail refuses to offer up an opinion on how I wear any of my hair. If I grew out a mullet (bald mullet) and died it Purple, I swear she would just say "that's interesting".


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> to rebut your rebuttal:
> Mrs nail never wears make up to work or on dates with me, but she always wears makeup to her church womens group meetings. Coincidence? or is she obviously having a hot lesbian affair at church?
> 
> No she feels more confident in make up, just as a man may feel more confident with some sharp grooming.
> ...


To rebut your rebuttal to my rebuttal... You're still talking about a behavior that hasn't *changed suddenly*. It sounds like Mrs. Nail has always usually worn makeup to her church women's group meetings. She didn't *suddenly *start doing it timed to coincide with a certain member joining the group or an outing where certain people would be.

To be clear, I am not saying a haircut out of the blue = a torrid love affair. I am just saying the *timing *suggests the haircut was done to impress someone(s). That in itself is not a crime - I'll go months without getting my hair done to save money but get it done right before a big business presentation or visit to family/friends where I know pictures will be taken. That doesn't mean I plan on having sex with anyone, but my haircut is obviously timed to impress certain people.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

His REACTION to her is the biggest issue, in my opinion.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK this is the timing we are talking about.
Mr. Bella is a suave businessman who has regular haircuts and shaves his face. 4, maybe 5 months ago he suddenly and out of the blue stops shaving and getting regular haircuts. he looks like a wild biker bushranger. And Ella likes it, yea. Then last week suddenly and out of the blue he goes back to his regular life long routine. I think the only possible conclusions we can read into this "timeline" are that :
A- He is pissed at Ella and cut his hair to punish her.
B- He wanted to look like the picture on his passport.
C- He is sick and tired of his itchy beard.
Now we have some evidence that A is frequently true. So here is what I think. He tried going scruffy to see if it would upset Ella, but she liked it. So he cut it and BINGO! he got the response he was looking for. Power dynamic in the relationship has returned to where he likes it. For the most part Ella has been happy with the power dynamic. But it is starting to get old. Possibly, the tantrums are leaving her feeling out of control.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@EllaBella - I hope you can answer a question for me: Why can't you support yourself? I assume, prior to meeting your husband, you had a job(s). What skills do you possess? Would you benefit from job training? Is there any type of job/career that interests you?

I'm not saying run out tomorrow and enroll in college, but I think you need to have more faith in yourself and your ability to make a living. Granted, your style of living may be less/different than what you currently have, but that doesn't mean you can't have a decent life free from any abuse.

I think it would behoove you at this point to quit trying to label or diagnose your husband. Putting the time, effort, and emphasis into improving your own life with a halfway decent job would work wonders for your mindset.

Take it from a woman who came out the other side of hell to presently be living a darned nice life. It's possible. Seriously.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

EllaBella said:


> Going on trips without me... I'd hate to impose a lifetime rule to limit his freedom. In any case, *he'd never put up with it... he'd accuse me of 'controlling' him. *


I wish there was a way to get the tweety bird laugh as audio for this


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

How do you folks put up with a "marriage" where the other partner gets to go out on girls night out trips, boys night out week long trips, where you scream at each other because the other partner isn't meeting your needs....

Why in the world would anyone even put up with this kind of baloney? Blows my mind


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EllaBella said:


> (He always responds with anger to confrontation on any topic.) I don't necessarily believe that he's going to meet her there, but as I said to him, I needed him to have the generosity of heart to reassure me. I didn't speak to him with belligerence or accusation, it was more with an insecure, worried attitude. So he started shouting and swearing and telling me I was crazy, then demanded I leave the room. So I shouted back that he'd had that affair and how did he frikn expect me to feel and why the f* didn't he bother cutting his hair for ME!
> 
> By the time it was bedtime 2 hours later, *I had been calm and trying to make the peace, saying let's not fight, I have insecurity issues, but please can we go to bed in peace, it's awful to have a fight on the eve of you going away*. But he was still furious and *insisted I sleep in the spare room*. He knows that really upsets me.


The bolded is your rookie mistake. HE was in the wrong for getting angry and you should have told him take a hike when he kicked YOU out of YOUR bedroom. Have you always been the second-class citizen in the relationship?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This April will be 3 years since you posted about this abusive, lying, cheating POS and you're *STILL* with him and you're *STILL* dealing with his sleazy bull****. He's an abusive serial cheater and they don't change.


Oh, right. I remember now. 

What have you done the past 3 years to work with a therapist to grow your own self esteem? Doesn't seem like much of anything. 

The only way to live with an abuser is to get stronger yourself, and by that I mean to have solid boundaries and consequences for poor behavior. For instance, if he yells at you NEVER EVER apologize. And if he kicks you out of the bedroom, you tell him 'no thanks, this is MY room too. If you're unhappy, go sleep somewhere else.'

Do you see the difference, Ella? The problems you're having are now YOUR fault for continuing to kiss his ass, apologize, and do what he says.

IIWY, I'd be looking for an apartment while he's gone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EllaBella said:


> When I'm in a better position to try to get things to change, he's either going to raise up the better side of himself and make the effort keep me, or go further up his own butt, and be outraged that I'm daring to stand up for myself, and become an even worse person. Some men can only handle weak women.


I don't understand. You've been together 7 years and in that time you haven't found a way to develop a career? What have you been doing all this time? What do you do all day long? Are you in college?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK this is the timing we are talking about.
> Mr. Bella is a suave businessman who has regular haircuts and shaves his face. 4, maybe 5 months ago he suddenly and out of the blue stops shaving and getting regular haircuts. he looks like a wild biker bushranger. And Ella likes it, yea.


Actually, she didn't like it, she came to accept it. 

My guess is the woman he's been seeing on the side here at home wanted the long hair, and the woman he's seeing at the ski resort doesn't.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He wants you to be upset, questioning, begging when he gets home. Do you have the courage and strength to keep your mouth shut, ask no questions, go on with your life and taking care of yourself? It will drive him crazy if you stop letting him emotionally abuse you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Great, Now you have fabricated two illicit lovers out of thin air. Just so I can work out my March calendar, How many do I have????


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once a cheater...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Haircut or whatever............Where's his moral compass?


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## Trying To Understand (Feb 28, 2019)

There's no way to minimize this. He acted terribly. What he said and did was cruel. I've been angry in my life, more than I ever thought possible, over things much worse than what's described in this post, and I've never stooped to that level of cruelty with anyone.

He stooped to that level over being questioned about a haircut, when his wife just needed reassurance. That's a sign of a profoundly immature psyche. Not someone you can forge a real marriage with unless they're willing to do an enormous amount of work on themselves and understand the gravity of his actions. This is the kind of man that thousands of women stay married to and end up being anguished when they finally realize, fully, the kind of man they married. 

A man that uses his anger as a weapon in a relationship, and the implied physicality of it, isn't worthy of marriage. That goes for both men and women, but men who aren't sensitive to the fact that male anger or rage is usually more scary because of physical differences is either a weak minded buffoon or intentionally using that power to control. I'm 6' 2" and quite muscular, I'm always aware of that in any interaction and would never use it physically or psychologically to control a loved one, even for a second. There's no excuse. It's disgusting behavior.

In my opinion, this isn't something that just happens. It deeply indicates the kind of person a man is. They're either capable of it or not, and a man that makes excuses for it in ANY way is not a man to be with. He won't change. He'll blame you like a weakling.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I had a similar dynamic in my relationship. I posted here back in 2016 and still come back to read both my own post again to remind me and others posts. 

Please seek out a good psychologist and get strong. The way you are responding to this comes from a place of self-blame. His treatment of you is the issue. Your concerns are not the issue. If he was a loving and good man he would have taken your concerns as valid and reassured you. Instead, he belittled you and punished you and is continuing to do so while he is away.

I separated from my ex-partner after 20 or so years back in 2017, legally settled in Nov 2018. It's 2019 and I'm much stronger, I'm building my life back up, I'm happyish (happier than I have ever been, I'm building up friendships again and all I regret is that I didn't get out of this 10 years ago. I understand why after 3 years you are still in it. It's so hard, he has you at his knees. Stand up! Pull your socks up, get legal advice and get some extra work if you have to. 

If he has gone to be with another woman it's not about you at all. Also if I can recommend listening to Emotional Baggage reclaim podcast from the beginning. This is what helped me cut through all the gaslighting and abusive behavior and see it for what it was. It's a long journey but like all good treks so worthwhile when you cross the finish line.


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