# (M+M) Frustrated Married Guy, At Wits End, Considering Divorce



## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

Warning, this is gonna be a long one.

I'm a male in a homosexual marriage. I've gotten some great answers over at a gay relationship forum, but I've been a long time reader here and figured I could get some different opinions perhaps, as our marriage is pretty heteronormative compared to may gay relationships which are open and have looser standards. 

Partner and I have been together for roughly 10 years. We got together in our early 20s, broke up for a while, dated around, and got back together for good. We have been in a civil union for years, and then got married again. The past 4 years have seen our relationship deteriorate. We have a stable, normal life. We’re both transplants from Florida, currently living in Los Angeles. My business takes up most of my time, and helps us afford a good life. He has much more free time on his hands (a factor I think contributes to his overall unhappiness) quit nursing to become a Yoga instructor.

The culprit of our issues came to a boiling point when I discovered his emotional affair with a man he met at work. Basically, I became suspicious when our sex life dropped off the map, he put a passcode on his phone, spend a considerable amount of time in the bathroom with his phone, started going out more, and started taking phone calls outside of the house.

I went on this forum to seek some help (didn't post, just read around. I read about how you should speak to a divorce lawyer immediately, and see what the fallout would be if I was forced to take that route. Get your ducks in a row basically. And then I read up on the great tech stuff to help me figure out what exactly he was hiding when I wasn’t around. After a week of doing some basic surveillance of his phone, text, email, Facebook chat, GPS routes, (I decided not to do a VAR because I felt that it was going a step too far) I found out that he was speaking to a man he met at the studio he teaches at. This men, who thankfully doesn’t live in LA but was just in town and took the class with his sister, started e-mailing him. At first it was just friendly chatter, getting to know each other. But it quickly turned into this guy blatantly hitting on my partner. He then asked if I had any indication of what was going on and my partner said “No, I’m actually terrified at what would happen if he found out. He’s not a nice guy when he’s mad.” Then it became sexually explicit with this guys telling him how beautiful and sexy he was. How much he wanted him. How he jacked off thinking about their meeting. Just disgusting details that I don’t even want to remember.

Lawyer told me that divorce could get messy if he chooses to make it make so, due to how long we’ve been together, the differences in our incomes, and our assets being tied together. And I was not ready to give up on the marriage a 100%, but figured I would scare him enough to ensure this would not happen again. So, I confronted him during the weekend, told him I knew everything, told him I had the lawyer drawing up the divorce docs and to think about what he wanted to keep. He was shattered. I had never seen a human being so deflated. He turned on the waterworks, apologized, begged, pleaded, and after a day I agreed to give it a second chance if he agreed to not have secret friends, keep his phone and laptop open without any passcodes, and work on our sex life. He agreed.

The next few weeks were amazing (as I have learned on this forum they tend to be). He was being wonderful, sweet, and sexually willing again. He finally started getting things around the house done in a timely manner (things I don’t have time to do. I do my laundry, dishes, and clean when I can. It’s not like all domestic chores lie on his shoulders.) He wasn’t sulking anymore. He’d be happy to see me after work, happy to cook for me, happy to kiss and have fun. After a few weeks he asked that we go seek therapy. I asked why, and he explained that he wanted to talk about some underlying issues between us that he thinks caused him to do what he did. So I agreed, even though inside the last thing I wanted to do on my time off was to be at a therapy session. But, I agreed to be open to the experience and see if it helps.

In therapy, he basically confessed that he felt unappreciated, unloved, used, and that he felt I oftentimes spoke down to him. It was hard for me to understand why he felt those things, but I accepted it and apologized, and said I wasn’t aware of doing it, and that I would work on all those things. He gave examples of what I was doing such as “not spending my time off with him unless I wanted sex” “not thanking him for doing things” “not being nice during arguments and saying hurtful things.”

Things were good for a while, I took some time off, we went on a trip together. It was great and he was great, and very loving. But then I had to go back to work, and it got very busy. I’d leave at 7 in the morning and some days come home at 10. We started drifting apart again because during time off I’d want to relax, watch some tv, and be a vegetable, while he wanted attention and to go out for dinner and go see a movie etc. We started arguing again. Same pattern. And, yet again, about two years later, I started getting that feeling that something was off.

Checked his phone, everything looked clear. Checked his email, nothing. Checked his Facebook, nothing. Checked his calendar, and noticed some lunch dates. He usually writes the name of who he’s having lunch with, but these were blank. So I got off work, I drove to the lunch date, parked outside and watched as my partner had lunch with a dude I’ve never met, watched them play and caress each others hands on the table, and kiss as they said goodbye.

I went straight from there to my attorney’s office and picked up the papers. Then went back to work. After work I came home, and during dinner gently laid the papers in front of him, and told him I’d be moving out the next day and that he can have his male friend over if he so chooses. I also told our friends and family that we are getting a divorce, as my friends from the other forum advised me to do. That was two weeks ago. And, again, I’m in a conundrum. He is beyond himself, a huge mess. Everytime I come over to pick something up he is sobbing uncontrollably and apologizing. He’s told his parents and my friends that he’s feeling suicidal, which we all immediately addressed to make sure he is safe. He’s told my parents that he’ll do anything to not go through with the divorce and that he made a horrible mistake etc. He calls and texts me everyday. He’s pretty much inconsolable.

I still love him, and I still care, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But, to me betrayal is the lowest thing in a relationship. And how many chances can I give someone before I look like a pus** and lose all his respect? Is it at all worth it to give it another try? Has anyone had luck with a 2nd time attempt at reconciliation?


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

I haven't ever been in a cheating situation but all I can say is that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I was totally justified in snooping around and checking up on my spouse to see if he was cheating *again*. I could never fully trust him - ever. That would make me so sad. I think that couples absolutely can work through affairs but I'm bothered by the fact that he's betrayed you twice (that you know of). When somebody shows you who they are -- believe them. He's shown you that you shouldn't trust him and that he is willing to betray you. Believe him. You can now rightfully assume that he's going to betray you again so don't trust him. That just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I'm sad for him and I do think it's absolutely imperative that family members and friends take his suicidal threats seriously. It sounds like he has a lot to work on by himself but I don't think you need to give him another chance. For me, this would be enough. TRY to not blame him for every little thing that went wrong, even though it's obvious he's mostly to blame. Think about what you can do differently in the next relationship - not that it's your fault but because you might as well walk away with some life lessons from all of this.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think it will be hard to give a second chance, I would be afraid that any time I had to work late my partner would be carrying on with someone else and that would be a miserable life. 

Thinking also he needs to find another job, if this is where is picking up these guys, he should not make you feel guilty for working hard to provide you both with a good life.

It seems he does not appreciate what you do as far as working hard, etc if he did then he would not be meeting up with other people. 

Ask yourself:
Can you believe him that it will never happen again
He is truly remorseful or sad about losing you or is it everything else he will lose
Will you be able to work, without wondering if he is off with someone else
What has he done to show you he is remorseful
Will he look for a new job, to not be where he is so vulnerable to cheat
Do you think you can get over him cheating
Has he gotten an STD test, because you can't be sure of everything he has done you have been working
Are there more then 1 email account, Facebook, Etc
Are you sure he has told you the truth about everything

Couples can survive an affair,but it is hard and takes a lot of work and it will be a challenge. He needs to stop blaming for for why he cheats, it has nothing to do with you it is all about him( this you have to understand), Most relationship cannot be fixed unless you live together.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You have done the right thing in dumping his arse.

Betraying you once is a mistake. Betraying you twice is darn right shi...ting on you. Its good to see you have respect for yourself.

Dont be fooled by his supposed sadnes. He is beside himself with grief for purley selfish reasons.

He realises full well that his gravy train and meal ticket has come to an end.

Unfortunately for him he thought he could take liberties becuase you never really addressed his infedility the first time. Yes you gave him a slap on the wrist but it doesnt sound like he suffered any real consquences.

Well you have enforced consquences now and i applaud you for it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He was reinventing the history of your marriage turning you into a monster to justify his cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

checkedoutdude said:


> Things were good for a while, I took some time off, we went on a trip together. It was great and he was great, and very loving. *But then I had to go back to work, and it got very busy. I’d leave at 7 in the morning and some days come home at 10. We started drifting apart again because during time off I’d want to relax, watch some tv, and be a vegetable, while he wanted attention and to go out for dinner and go see a movie etc. We started arguing again. Same pattern*. And, yet again, about two years later, I started getting that feeling that something was off.


OP, I do not condone cheating but I understand the conditions under which one spouse might cheat, if their needs are not being met in the relationship. I am not blaming you. Is it possible that you and your spouse just want different things in life? 

With that said, each time a partner cheats the hurdle for the next infidelity is lowered. So it will be easier and easier for him to do this again. Looking forward, are you able to meet his needs and is he able to meet yours? If your answer is no, even if you still love him, then divorce is the right thing for both of you.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

That's the thing. I would immediately cut down on work and move back into an apartment/loft type of situation and happily spend all the time in the world with him if that is what he wanted, but he is pretty accustomed to how we live and wouldn't even consider that. It's not my ambition that keeps me working hard, it's that I know we're both happy with the lifestyle we have. I believe part the problem is this: he wants all the things that come with my work, but he also wants a lot of my attention, and I cannot give him both. I would need 20 more hours in a day to accomplish that. A couple years ago, before my work went into full swing, I had a talk with him and said that our choices were either to downsize (at a comfortable level, maybe a 3 bedroom apartment or loft) or to keep going full swing and spend a bit less time together, but financially get to where we wanted to be at. We both decided option 2 was what we wanted. 

I think he would feel more accomplished if he hadn't quit nursing school. But we were toying with the idea of possibly having kids, and he said nursing was too hard and if we wanted kids he wanted to be around for them, so he quit. Soon after he decided he was not ready for kids, and I accepted that. He loves Yoga, and I know he finds happiness in his work, but I don't know that it's totally fulfilling for him. More like an enjoyable hobby.

If I make up my mind and decide to R for the second time, I'll be sure to revisit the idea of downsizing again and see what he thinks about it. I wouldn't mind and it would give me more time to spend with him and work on us.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

Sports Fan said:


> You have done the right thing in dumping his arse.
> 
> Betraying you once is a mistake. Betraying you twice is darn right shi...ting on you. Its good to see you have respect for yourself.
> 
> ...


Thanks man. Unfortunately I am considering R for the second time. I know, I know, I'm an idiot. But it's hard to throw away 10 years.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You gave him a second chance, and once he wasn't getting the attention he wanted, he threw it away. I wouldn't give him a third chance.

He's a puddling mess now because it worked the first time. So he's no reason not to go that route again.

Lack of attention for any reason doesn't justify cheating. Never mind that you work 16 hour days to provide for him. It's not like he is home while you are out at a bar all night. You're working.

Any reason why you said you would move out? He's the one who broke his vows (at least twice) he should have to leave the premises. Don't abandon your home, it's 50 percent yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that if someone cheats, they will continue to do so, unless the reason for their cheating goes away.

An aside: by "reason" I am not implying it is a "good", or "acceptable", reason - it the reason could be that they are a selfish ahole. 

So I'd suggest thinking about what caused the problems. In this case it sounds like he felt (correctly or not) that he wasn't getting enough attention. If you think that could be changed, then there is hope. If you think it can't then continue with the divorce.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Are you blameless?

No. 

Does he deserve a third chance?

No. 

It doesn't mean you don't love him. But it does mean that you have to let him go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

checkedoutdude said:


> I still love him, and I still care, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But, to me betrayal is the lowest thing in a relationship. And how many chances can I give someone before I look like a pus** and lose all his respect? Is it at all worth it to give it another try? Has anyone had luck with a 2nd time attempt at reconciliation?


You ALREADY gave him the greatest gift of all. A second chance and he SQUANDERED it. 

He already has no respect for you but he will. When you divorce him. 

Cut him lose and move on. If you are even contemplating another "R".

Let him crawl back from square one, post divorce. Will he do the heavy lifting?

Doubtful. Most serial cheats like your husband love themselves more than their spouses.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've already caught him twice. These are just the betrayals that you know about. If this follows the standard pattern, then there is probably more.

I would cut my losses now. If you try R again, you'll likely be back in CWI soon enough.

I'm sorry. I know it's hard, but life is far too short to keep taking this chance with your heart. Before you know it, you're in your 60's, looking back on years of lies and betrayals.

He may be crying real tears, but he certainly knows that they will sway you. He wants his cake and eat it, too. You shouldn't allow this, in my opinion.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

checkedoutdude said:


> ....he said nursing was too hard and if we wanted kids he wanted to be around for them, so he quit. Soon after he decided he was not ready for kids, and I accepted that. He loves Yoga, and I know he finds happiness in his work, but I don't know that it's totally fulfilling for him. More like an enjoyable hobby.


How about this? You cut back on the work hours and he GETS A JOB that pays better - such as NURSING! In that way, you will be home to spend time with him, you both will have enough income to maintain your life style and he will not be bored at home (and cheating) during the day. Plus if you do get divorced, he will have higher income than now and so less impacting on you financially. Of course, you still have to deal with the issue of repeated cheating. 

He quit nursing because he wanted kids but then HE decided against kids? Nursing was too hard???? Who said work is easy? He goes back to work! Right now he has good lifestyle, does not have to really work (hobby was your word) and gets to play with his new friend(s) at your expense. That is so wrong.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

CA does not make the lower earning spouse go back to their better paying higher qualification job?

Damn. Im in the NE and even here the judge would tell him play time is over and to get a real job.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

First time ive seen the yoga instructor angle from the predator side. Bet thats where he is picking them up.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> How about this? You cut back on the work hours and he GETS A JOB that pays better - such as NURSING! In that way, you will be home to spend time with him, you both will have enough income to maintain your life style and he will not be bored at home (and cheating) during the day. Plus if you do get divorced, he will have higher income than now and so less impacting on you financially. Of course, you still have to deal with the issue of repeated cheating.
> 
> He quit nursing because he wanted kids but then HE decided against kids? Nursing was too hard???? Who said work is easy? He goes back to work! Right now he has good lifestyle, does not have to really work (hobby was your word) and gets to play with his new friend(s) at your expense. That is so wrong.


Thing is he didn't quit nursing, he quit nursing school. Doubt he's going to go back. If I decide to R again I think my plan of action will be to slow down with work and downsize and see how that impacts the relationship.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

weightlifter said:


> CA does not make the lower earning spouse go back to their better paying higher qualification job?
> 
> Damn. Im in the NE and even here the judge would tell him play time is over and to get a real job.


Just to clarify (I made it confusing in my post) he quit nursing school, not a job. Said it was too hard. Then he got into yoga. 

My lawyer told me if it comes down to D I am royally screwed. But, I've come to accept that already.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

weightlifter said:


> First time ive seen the yoga instructor angle from the predator side. Bet thats where he is picking them up.


Or where he's getting picked up. Honestly, from what I'm seeing, he's going after the emotional aspect of it. I understand that he is lonely, but realistically, if he doesn't want me to stop working as much as I am now (and as far as I know he doesn't because it would mean a downgrade in our lifestyle), how am I supposed to mitigate that? I spend 95% of my free time with him. I have not seem my guy friends in months. Every time he calls me at work, I pick up and give him my time (even if I don't have any to give).
I understand that he wants the romance and the dates and the attention and the emotional fulfillment that he hasn't been getting from me. I understand that he feels lonely and bored and unhappy a lot of the time. But, we're adults with a lot of responsibilities. We both chose this path. If I'm lacking sex in my relationship (and I am) you don't see me going to look for it elsewhere, so I don't see that as an excuse for him to go and look for an emotional affair because he feels that's missing in our relationship.


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

checkedoutdude said:


> I understand that he wants the romance and the dates and the attention and the emotional fulfillment that he hasn't been getting from me. I understand that he feels lonely and bored and unhappy a lot of the time. But, we're adults with a lot of responsibilities. We both chose this path. If I'm lacking sex in my relationship (and I am) you don't see me going to look for it elsewhere, so I don't see that as an excuse for him to go and look for an emotional affair because he feels that's missing in our relationship.


That's my problem with you reconciling. I always feel so sorry for people (even these random strangers on the Internet) because I do believe that he loves you and clearly you love him if you're willing to even consider reconciling; however, he should have come to you and explained that you weren't giving him enough love/attention and he needed something to change. It's not okay that he just up and decided to cheat ... TWICE. For me, the trust would be long gone. 

It's not like he made a mistake and "took it too far" and came to you with some confession of crossing the line with someone. He got busted.

As heartbreaking as it is, I feel like he left you no choice.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, you could make it clear that it is his last chance. Absolutely no more cheating.

Also, could he work with you? Then you would have that in common.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

jld said:


> OP, you could make it clear that it is his last chance. Absolutely no more cheating.
> 
> Also, could he work with you? Then you would have that in common.


When I ask him why he doesn't teach more classes or think about a studio of his own (in order to nip the ennui and mood swings he seems to be experiencing in the bud) he says that he enjoys being able to do things at the house and set his own schedule. Problem is, nothing at the house gets done and he is still unhappy.

I have tomorrow off, so will have a talk with him regarding all this and I think I'll make it a hard requirement that he must do something (go back to school, teach more classes, pick up another hobby that fulfills him) so he's not sitting around miserable.


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## checkedoutdude (Jan 22, 2016)

BirdieToldMe said:


> That's my problem with you reconciling. I always feel so sorry for people (even these random strangers on the Internet) because I do believe that he loves you and clearly you love him if you're willing to even consider reconciling; however, he should have come to you and explained that you weren't giving him enough love/attention and he needed something to change. It's not okay that he just up and decided to cheat ... TWICE. For me, the trust would be long gone.
> 
> It's not like he made a mistake and "took it too far" and came to you with some confession of crossing the line with someone. He got busted.
> 
> As heartbreaking as it is, I feel like he left you no choice.


I do not want to make myself look blameless in this, and I don't want to give a one sided account of things. He is a great person in so many aspects, and I'm not always an angel. He's given me a lot throughout our marriage, and this is why we've been together for as many years as we have.

I would describe myself as fair and reasonable, but also tough. When I get pissed off, it doesn't look pretty. I don't make excuses for it. I have a temper and I get angry. I don't hide that about myself. It's a flaw, and I know it bothers him. But, changing things like that takes time. I am doing my best. I know it's a character trait he hates in me that he's forced to deal with. He has told me he feels uncomfortable sharing with me because I "minimize" his problems. But I agree that it doesn't excuse his behavior. He seems willing to change, but he seemed willing the last time around as well. I think the stakes are higher now though, because all our friends and family know, and if he screws up again that is it.

Another large part of the problem is this: I come home, make myself dinner, take a shower and spend time with him. Tensions arise when I'm too tired to go out to a movie or dinner, or if after I shower and we watch a movie at home I doze off after 5 minutes and don't give him my attention.Someone over at the other forum suggested having a strict schedule for dates, and I think that is a great idea. We've had many arguments because we leave our evening unplanned, and I come home with the expectation of "I'm gonna raid the fridge, take a hot shower, and catch some much needed Z's" and he's waiting on me to come home with the expectation of "He's finally home, now we can go out to dinner, go see a movie, have a nice date night and catch up," and when our expectations clashed it was World War 3. So, perhaps setting up a schedule with everything planned in advance would be very helpful for us both in terms of expectations.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

checkedoutdude said:


> When I ask him why he doesn't teach more classes or think about a studio of his own (in order to nip the ennui and mood swings he seems to be experiencing in the bud) he says that he enjoys being able to do things at the house and set his own schedule. Problem is, nothing at the house gets done and he is still unhappy.
> 
> I have tomorrow off, so will have a talk with him regarding all this and I think I'll make it a hard requirement that he must do something (go back to school, teach more classes, pick up another hobby that fulfills him) so he's not sitting around miserable.


You are a very kind and good man, OP. Your partner is lucky to have you.

I really hope he will discipline himself to be faithful to you. And I hope your leadership and nurturing will make him desire to be not only faithful, but loving and close to you as well.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I say walk. I really hope he doesn't bleed your business to death, but the guy cannot be trusted otherwise.

You said yourself that your relationship was more traditional, in values and such... This guy doesn't have those same values, I'm sorry.

You deserve better.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. You and your 'partner' made mutual decisions about your paths in life and your roles in the relationship. When those mutual decisions turned out to cause problems for your 'partner,' instead of addressing them with you and coming up with *mutually* acceptable solutions, your 'partner' unilaterally chose a selfish solution that involved lies and cheating. And when you found out, and tried to address the problems, it wasn't enough and he did it *again*. He obviously didn't learn and grow from the first forgiveness. But you should learn and grow from the second betrayal.

What are you supposed to do, quit your job so you can be there 24/7 to monitor his activities?

By the way, I put 'partner' in ' ' not because of any attitude against gay marriage, but because yours was obviously not a true partnership. Just a sham of one. Instead of valuing that you worked so hard, and supporting that, he took advantage of you for his own benefit.

Why does he keep doing this to you? Because you keep letting him. It's who he is, apparently, and he's not willing to change it. So you have to change things yourself. That was my own first epiphany. My second one was that no matter how tough it is, perhaps being broke, after a divorce, it is still immensely better than being lied to and stabbed in the back by the person who is supposed to have your back and protect you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Married four years and he's basically cheated with two guys you know about and God knows how many more than you haven't caught him with. You can't make someone be committed or honest. They either are or they aren't. If he threatens suicide, call the police and they will see that he gets evaluated by people who get paid to do that. You aren't responsible for his mental health. 

If it were me and I had lots of work to keep me busy, I believe I'd pretend to get back together, I'd throw myself into my work and give him loads of free time and very minimal attention. He's looking for love and he'll eventually find a serious relationship. When he does, he'll be motivated to sign away just about all claims to your property. Love tends to make people stupid. In any negotiation the person most motivated gets the crap end of the stick. At present, you seem to be motivated to divorce but he is not. That puts you at a disadvantage. If his name was on any joint accounts I'd close them. Short of being abusive or cruel I'd cut whatever he was getting from me down to a trickle, increasing his motivation to want out.


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