# Need advice...



## sarena (Aug 13, 2013)

Hi All, 

Mid last year I found topless photo on husbands phone. I hit roof, contemplated leaving, but we went to couples counselling-we had other issues aswell(husband anger issues) and I tried to brush it under carpet. He and even the counsellor belittled photo, but it left bad taste in my mouth.

Recently he left a worn tshirt in the kitchen. He works late in a bar. He came down after sleeping in and almost immediately explained that it smelled of perfume because some woman in the bar sprayed lots on herself and he could smell it everywhere in the bar. Think he was on defense in case i smelt it and jumped to a conclusion. I hadn't(not crazy:wtf: t shirt sniffer, but am wary of trusting him)

He swears I am the only one, the one he loves and I want to and do usually believe him, but what I've explained about haunts me. Would love opinions on this...dont want to talk to family or friends about this.

So was he just acting on defence cause he knows I have trust issues, or is he cheating(possibly again?)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I know which one I'd guess... But nobody here can tell you for sure. 

Do you have access to his cell phone and bill?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sarena said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Mid last year I found topless photo on husbands phone. I hit roof, contemplated leaving, but we went to couples counselling-we had other issues aswell(husband anger issues) and I tried to brush it under carpet. He and even the counsellor belittled photo, but it left bad taste in my mouth.
> 
> ...


What was the counsellor's reasoning for belittling the images?


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## sarena (Aug 13, 2013)

Pbear-I occasionally have a quick look but have never seen anything since. He swears that some floozie flashed herself topless after a heavy night drinking and he just took a photo, which he says was foolish. I only saw it on small phone screen at time, it looked like it was in the bar he works in, but at same rate that does not mean it was not affair. I was only after giving birth to our 1st child a few months prior. It feels inconceivable that someone could do that..... and he does not have high sex drive since I've known him. 

MattMatt to answer your question, counsellor thought the photo (it was just one)was quite probably just messing in a bar...maybe she was just implying what i sadly and desperately wanted to believe.

At the time I threatened lie detector tests etc, but never followed through. but still wonder....

Its hard because I want more than anything to trust a man I once believed to be my soul mate but who, with anger issues can become a monster that I struggle to stay with on occasion. When I see him deliberately hurting me through name calling, shouting, etc, it makes me think if he can hurt me this way, what is to stop him hurting me by cheating... 

I do believe in forever, and if not happily ever after than mostly happily ever after, but not at the price of turning blind eye on infidelity. 

I've tried googling the signs pf cheating, but sex life and how he treats me tends to just go through cycles.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is he protective of his phone? Can you see who's texted him on your cell phone bills?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarena (Aug 13, 2013)

No, but cant see his bill information, it is online, password protected. And since I've known him he always deletes messages in his phone, these is never anything to see. Is there a way to see what he is up to on laptop? He has it set to clear history, but would like to see if I can find anything that way?


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I wouldn't say those are positive signs of cheating. I am the betrayed spouse and a guy. If some lady was flashing at the bar I may snap a photo because I took a few during bike week several years ago and cheating never entered my mind. Just keep a eye open. If his working at a bar is going to cause problems maybe he can find something else to do.


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## sarena (Aug 13, 2013)

Based on recent events separate to my cheating concerns we are going to a different counselor soon-one to deal with anger/abuse...I plan on bringing it up there. I'd love to just know for definite. This marriage is hard work even without the infidelity, he has a number of issues, but infidelity is the insurmountable one for me.


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## sarena (Aug 13, 2013)

Thanks X-betaman. Would love if he would find other work. Whenever I offer help finding other jobs it goes down like led balloon, although he claims to want to change job, I think a part of him likes it enough to stay.I've even offered option for him to be full time Dad. Hes an alpha male though and wants to pay his way, which is fair enough.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Was the counselor _belittling _the images or _trivializing _them?

Which is it?

To belittle something means to disparage something, to trivialize means to regard as insignificant.

Was the therapist suggesting the photo was just not an impressive photo, or was the act of him having the photo made out to be not a serious transgression?

Sorry, but use of the term belittle has me confused.

I would not trust a word he says if his response to your wariness is to be defensive.

If he's defensive, he's got something to hide then.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

sarena said:


> Based on recent events separate to my cheating concerns we are going to a different counselor soon-one to deal with anger/abuse...I plan on bringing it up there. I'd love to just know for definite. This marriage is hard work even without the infidelity, he has a number of issues, but infidelity is the insurmountable one for me.


His attitude, maturity, and even his place of work are all individual problems of his.

Don't trust a word he says, verify everything with some actual concrete proof.

If you can't verify what he is saying, then you have to withhold belief until you have some facts.

This does not mean he is cheating, but it means you can't trust that he is cheating or that he's not cheating.

Just withhold commitment either way until you have facts to support it.

Nothing wrong with being skeptical in the situation you have before you.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm kind of surprised by the responses here. I find this highly suspicious; defensive behavior (making excuses for the perfume smell on the shirt when you hadn't even mentioned it) is typically a sign of lying. 

Personally, I have been around some people wearing way too much perfume/cologne, and in closer quarters than a bar, and it's never rubbed off materially onto my clothes. Maybe my sense of smell isn't as powerful as other folks'; I don't know. It's something to think about, nonetheless.

The abuse is an issue in and of itself. How long until you can see a counselor?

Also, as an aside, to the men stating that the husband in this situation having a topless picture of a woman on his phone, how would you feel if your wife/GF had a recent picture of male genitalia (not yours) on her phone?


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

The photo admission he even offers you isn't honest.

He claims he took the photo and it was foolish. He would not have taken that photo if you were standing there right next to him.

It wasn't foolish, it was disrespectful.

Him keeping the photo, worse.

Him keeping the truth from you was dishonest.

So you have behavioral problems there : 

disrespect
dishonesty

And that is assuming he's not cheating on you.

But I will say this, disrespect and dishonesty is what he admits to doing already, and that is what affairs are.

So, if doesn't cheat, he's got the disposition to.

He's a walking time bomb.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

These are all reasonable explanations. A friend of mine actually fell on a woman, and a heavyset man on the two later. Another one had a woman spray cologne on him for 5 minutes. His secretiveness about his phone and other things confirm what you suspect.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Cell phones are good for three things. Getting you caught cheating, causing folks actually with you to be ignored, and causing car wreaks.  Some people are unbelievably stupid.
Sarena my girl, your husband appears to be in that group.


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## sarena (Aug 13, 2013)

Riley-I'm leaning towards trivalizing as to counsellor attitude. She did not see photo. Think she may not have been best counsellor, we went about 4 times, but from what I have read online since, with husbands abuse issue he probably should have been directed to getting anger counselling as individual, as large part of issue is how he expresses his anger

Dignityhonorpride-you are right, I do not think perfume has power to float off one body onto another. That, combined with his attitude about it is what has me so concerned. Don't believe what he has told me. And yes, regardless of what happened, it was insult. Most recently when I checked his phone he had me down as "*unt" Hate that word, and know I am not one! Called him on it. His attitude and response to situations is tough to deal with. When he wants to be nice, there is no one nicer or more charming. When he doesnt....its a whole other world. Hoping to see counsellor by next weekend.

Bobby 5000 I see what you are saying......

Pheonix-LOL! 

Next steps for me are talking to him about perfume tshirt, & taking a sneak peak at phone.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Get a copy of the cell phone bill too. Look at the numbers with the most activity and see if he is deleting texts.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I don't think anyone can truly answer your question, which is has he been faithful. If he has been doing this occupation for a while, then you have seen woman flirt with him. This happens to all bartenders, male and females. To a certain extent they make more money being colorful. This does not mean that he is cheating. l think that a change of occupation would help immensely, but he seems to be one of those people that loves tending bar. However, not all bars are created equal, so you need to consider if a change of venue would help.

Again, hard to tell if the counselor was good or not, but just because they don't agree with you doesn't mean they are wrong. Being an amateur photographer I have taken pictures of folks in various forms of dress, so I can see what happened. However, he should have shown you the picture along with the back story or not taken it at all. It does appear that he may have been saving it for a thrill, though that does not mean he is cheating. How would he feel if you had a picture of a man with a big old boner on your phone? I doubt he would be amused.

I would actually be more concerned with the anger issues, this is something he can and must address. Secondly, you have a right and should have the passwords to all media and software. He can delete messages, but he can't delete the log of calls that the phone company keeps. Clients can be friendly to him at work, but they shouldn't be calling him after work. Lastly I think you two need to address the intimacy issues. This can create animosity that will eat away at the relationship. Sex drives are always different, but there should always be intimacy.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Why bother talking to him? You just subject yourself to his abuse.

Work around him if you insist on remaining where you are. Get the facts from the actual source, not from him. If you want to know who he's calling, you don't ask him, you look at his phone.

I would be out the door by now. There are men out there who will show you respect, this forum is full of them. Find one.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

sarena said:


> *Most recently when I checked his phone he had me down as "*unt"* Hate that word, and know I am not one! Called him on it. His attitude and response to situations is tough to deal with. When he wants to be nice, there is no one nicer or more charming. When he doesnt....its a whole other world. Hoping to see counsellor by next weekend.


I can't imagine that ANY husband/BF would call a, or title the phone# of the wife/GF/Mother_of_his_children as a "*unt".

I know you said that he has anger issues, but I think it goes deeper than that.

I have the feeling if you were to ever hear him complain about you to his friends/co-workers... It would be even worse. He must know that you are going to periodically check his phone now. He knew that there was a good chance that you'd see the "*unt" title. And you did.

I would never do that, but if I did and my wife/GF found it, I'd be mortified.

I get the feeling that this guy was not prime marriage material. Also, working in a bar is going to be the catalyst for you two breaking up.

Help him find a new job, pronto. Preferably one that's male dominated.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

The fact that he has you listed as that foul word in his phone is absolutely horrible. That's one of the worst things you can call a woman. This guy is NOT worthy of you, Sarena.

Why bother talking to him? He'll just lie and use whatever you say to abuse you. To protect yourself, you need to quietly detach from him unless and until he can prove that he can be worthy of your love.

Has he ever physically harmed you? Is there a women's shelter you can call or go to? Is it at all possible for you to move in with a family member or friend and get yourself on your feet? Above all, please be safe. I know nothing about domestic abuse -- please get in touch with a therapist, doctor (your primary care practitioner can help you find support services), or a women's shelter


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