# I am not a physically affectionate person



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I would like some help in fixing this about myself. I have never been a touchy-feely person. Never. I grew up in a family where physical affection was weird and you only gave someone a hug at a funeral or when something truly horrible happened. I prefer to have personal space. I do not even like sitting too close to people in crowds, or people who get too close when they talk. I become very obviously uncomfortable.

I struggled with this a bit when I became a mother to two kids (now 2 and 3) who want to be cuddled and held all day long. I only have so much "cuddle" in me before I need space. I love my children dearly and make sure o never turn down their need for affection (in fear that they may grow up to be like me, which I don't want). Problem is that after being with them my "touch" bank is run over. I really just want my space. 

My husband wants physical affection. I suspect that is his love language. (Mine is acts of service.) I attempt to give it to him but it will never be 100% natural. It is something I have to remind myself to do. So in a way it is forced. I try very hard not to make it seem that way to him but at times I know he prob senses it. I truly do love him dearly and want to be near him always but given a choice, if sharing a couch, I would always choose to sot 12" away rather than on his lap. This automatic ingrained response I have offends him.

I don't really know how to change it. I have always struggled with this part of relationships and really do not think the urge to cuddle and hug and kiss will ever come naturally to me.

I do have a sex drive and want it, and initiate it (I have another thread going on this subject in the sex forum). I find sex comes naturally but the kissing/hugging that is non-sexual does not.

Help? 

I pretty much force myself to meet a made up quota each day (H does not know this), like, ok you need to make sure you kiss him at least twice today, hug him when he comes home from work, etc. I know that is insane but otherwise the thought truly doesn't enter my mind. H is offended that I never think about it naturally, that it doesn't come naturally to me. He takes it personally. My perspective is that is like me being offended that he has a hairy chest. It just is. You can shave or wax but that hair is going to come back...its part of you. That is how I see this part of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

It takes time and you are going at it the right way. I was not very physically affectionate years ago, but seeing as how my husband is a cuddle bug I had to try. I'm finally up to the point where I'll go over and hug him while he's on the computer simply because I love him and it no longer feels forced. It took me 3 years to get there. 

Oh, and my son is just like his father. He was always all over me all day long! Now that he's bigger I actually find myself kinda missing all the hugs and cuddles.

You'll get better at showing physical affecting just don't give up!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That is really tough. I think to a certain extent it's just the way you are wired, much like being an introvert or an extrovert. But Blind is right, you are working on it in all the right ways, and it can get better!
(Just make sure he never finds out about the quota  )


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

kag, I am not a naturally physically affectionate person, either. My childhood experiences promoted anything BUT affection as sexual abuse was a major part of my childhood. I felt like you do - hugs at funerals were ok, for a moment, but otherwise, I felt awkward. 

For me, I had to somewhat rewire my thinking by challenging myself to see if I could figure out what other people enjoyed so much about hugging and cuddling. I literally put my own thoughts on a shelf while hugging or cuddling and asked myself, "What do people like about this?" 

Over time, I have come to feel more comfortable with it, especially with certain people (my children, my husband, and my daughters). I can hug my in-laws hello and goodbye without that stiff feeling I used to have. I can't say I have learned so much what people enjoy about it, because I have come to appreciate the closeness with some people, but still don't get how it promotes closeness with people who I'm really not close to. But I have learned that it is a safe thing to do and won't hurt me, which goes a long way toward my comfort level.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Kathy, I noticed you got blasted on another thread. Didn't want to engage over there, but I do want to let you know how much I enjoy your very sane and helpful comments.

Kag, forgive me for momentarily hijacking your thread!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I struggled with this a bit when I became a mother to two kids (now 2 and 3) who want to be cuddled and held all day long. I only have so much "cuddle" in me before I need space. I love my children dearly and make sure o never turn down their need for affection (in fear that they may grow up to be like me, which I don't want). Problem is that after being with them my "touch" bank is run over. I really just want my space.
> 
> My husband wants physical affection. I suspect that is his love language. (Mine is acts of service.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it is great that you are working on this. It shows a lot of awareness. I did want to highlight this part of your post because, as a husband and father myself, it can be a real minefield. Earlier in our marriage, I really felt like a paychekc and babysitter at times. My wife, still a SAHM, was completely into the child rearing thing. Because of that, she had nothing for me. A couple of times she even complained when I cam home late that I did it right when the kids had been in bed, thus interupting "her" time. Not a big incnetive to try and get home, I can tell you. It took a couple of straight forward talks, as well as me turning around and saying I would be happy to give you "your" time before it got straightened out.

This is not to say you are doing this, just that your husband may see you giving plenty of physical affection to your children and wonder why his is so limited. Talk to him and explain why and what you are doing to work on it. Make sure that he does not misunderstand what is happening.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well said, Tall -- especially given Kag's other post. I had some of the same thoughts.

I think you are on a good track, Kag! Good luck!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think it is also wonderful you are aware and want to make it right. Keeping a scorecard is something that Mort Fertels book points to doing.

I thought for a moment you were my wife writing. My LL is physical touch and hers acts of service. I try to give her space, but see it is important that we touch or the cards tumble. She also is not big on hugs and kisses, which I love. 

Kids make it more complicated, but the marriage should be first in my eyes and meeting each others needs important to a total happy family.

I wish you well!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I would like some help in fixing this about myself. I have never been a touchy-feely person. Never. I grew up in a family where physical affection was weird and you only gave someone a hug at a funeral or when something truly horrible happened. I prefer to have personal space. I do not even like sitting too close to people or close talkers.
> 
> I struggled with this a bit when I became a mother to two kids (now 2 and 3) who want to be cuddled and held all day long. I only have so much "cuddle" in me before I need space. I love my children dearly and make sure o never turn down their need for affection (in fear that they may grow up to be like me, which I don't want). Problem is that after being with them my "touch" bank is run over. I really just want my space.
> 
> ...


After the excitement of a new relationship where's off, love becomes something you do, rather than just feel.

You husband's love language is Affection. This is something you do for him, because you love him and you want him to feel loved. You might not feel totally comfortable doing it.

Your love language is 'acts of service'. Hopefully this is something your husband does for you. He probably doesn't like unloading the dishwasher (insert whatever fits here) but he does it because he loves you and he wants you to feel loved.

It think you have a great attitude. Great that you realize you lack in this area and that you know it is important to your husband. Just keep doing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Kathy, I noticed you got blasted on another thread. Didn't want to engage over there, but I do want to let you know how much I enjoy your very sane and helpful comments.
> 
> Kag, forgive me for momentarily hijacking your thread!


Thank you. I haven't seen it yet, but I might have to go look for it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think it is great that you are working on this. It shows a lot of awareness. I did want to highlight this part of your post because, as a husband and father myself, it can be a real minefield. Earlier in our marriage, I really felt like a paychekc and babysitter at times. My wife, still a SAHM, was completely into the child rearing thing. Because of that, she had nothing for me. A couple of times she even complained when I cam home late that I did it right when the kids had been in bed, thus interupting "her" time. Not a big incnetive to try and get home, I can tell you. It took a couple of straight forward talks, as well as me turning around and saying I would be happy to give you "your" time before it got straightened out.
> 
> This is not to say you are doing this, just that your husband may see you giving plenty of physical affection to your children and wonder why his is so limited. Talk to him and explain why and what you are doing to work on it. Make sure that he does not misunderstand what is happening.


I don't think I have ever verbally told my husband, to stop touching me or get away or anything of that nature. But sometimes those words dont need to be spoken...kwim? And I don't TRY to be standoffish...it's just that after a long day, I just want my body to myself for awhile. That offends my husband. He takes it personally that I do not want to be constantly touched, and we butt heads about this at times. 

It has definitely gotten harder as kids have come around. You can't say "Mommy doesnt feel like holding you right now." to a baby, and I wouldn't say it even now to my preschool-aged kids. I am desperate to make sure they dont inherit this trait from me. I do admit in this department, my kids often beat out my husband as first in line to get what little I have in the "touch" bank, as I call it. It doesn't mean I refuse to give my husband affection, just that it's gonna take a lot for me to get there some times. 

I have a hard time knowing that my husband takes my every little non-move as a personal attack. I wish he could understand things from my perspective. Even if he could not relate to me, at least try to understand. I do understand where he's coming from and that is why I try to make a conscious effort to touch him so many times in a day (my quota system), even though to be perfectly honest I don't personally get much out of it on the average day. I still do it with a smile to make him happy. But I would like to know that if he catches me at a bad moment that there's no reason to take it personally.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I don't think I have ever verbally told my husband, to stop touching me or get away or anything of that nature. But sometimes those words dont need to be spoken...kwim? And I don't TRY to be standoffish...it's just that after a long day, I just want my body to myself for awhile. That offends my husband. He takes it personally that I do not want to be constantly touched, and we butt heads about this at times.
> 
> It has definitely gotten harder as kids have come around. You can't say "Mommy doesnt feel like holding you right now." to a baby, and I wouldn't say it even now to my preschool-aged kids. I am desperate to make sure they dont inherit this trait from me. I do admit in this department, my kids often beat out my husband as first in line to get what little I have in the "touch" bank, as I call it. It doesn't mean I refuse to give my husband affection, just that it's gonna take a lot for me to get there some times.
> 
> I have a hard time knowing that my husband takes my every little non-move as a personal attack. I wish he could understand things from my perspective. Even if he could not relate to me, at least try to understand. I do understand where he's coming from and that is why I try to make a conscious effort to touch him so many times in a day (my quota system), even though to be perfectly honest I don't personally get much out of it on the average day. I still do it with a smile to make him happy. But I would like to know that if he catches me at a bad moment that there's no reason to take it personally.


I understand that intellectually, just wanted to get out there how your husband might perceive it. I know for myself, I understood that my kids were the main focus, and that their arrival changed our lives and marriage. But after getting pushed to the back of the line every single day, it got old. I did gut it out for awhile, and it was not necessarily reasonable or mature, but I am only human. I wanted to be first on her list at least once in a while. 

So when he sees you giving to your kids, then withdrawing from him, it is hard on him. His perception may be that you are willing to be uncomfortable for the kids, but not for him. That it might not be correct or fair does not mean he might not be thinking it (even if he does not want to be thinking it). In one sense, it is a rejection, which after a while wears down on a person.

To be clear, I am not bashing you or saying you are bad or anything. I think it is great that you are aware of it and want to figure out a compromise. I just want to give you a different perspective (that might be closer to your husband's) to help you navigate through it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I don't really know how to change it. I have always struggled with this part of relationships and really do not think the urge to cuddle and hug and kiss will ever come naturally to me.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You might want to seek counseling, maybe some kind of desensitization training. How old are you?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I would like some help in fixing this about myself. I have never been a touchy-feely person. Never. I grew up in a family where physical affection was weird and you only gave someone a hug at a funeral or when something truly horrible happened. I prefer to have personal space. I do not even like sitting too close to people in crowds, or people who get too close when they talk. I become very obviously uncomfortable.
> 
> I struggled with this a bit when I became a mother to two kids (now 2 and 3) who want to be cuddled and held all day long. I only have so much "cuddle" in me before I need space. I love my children dearly and make sure o never turn down their need for affection (in fear that they may grow up to be like me, which I don't want). Problem is that after being with them my "touch" bank is run over. I really just want my space.
> 
> ...


I also commend you for being aware of how you are and how this may impact those closest to you, and then attempting to do something about it. Kudos!

I think the "quota" thing is a good idea, as mentioned, so long as he doesn't know about it... and not to be sneaky, just as a way for that to potentially become more of a habit/natural to you. You are doing this with him in mind, pushing yourself out of your own comfort zone slightly and that shows that you are considerate of him. 

With his being offended, and after reading your posts in this thread, I'm not sure there's much you can do about that. I'd assume he knows what we do about you? In that regard, I think it's something he needs to then accept and gently encourage and take responsibility for his own feelings of being offended. In my eyes, that's then on him.

Okay, so I did have a little extra suggestion for you. And this might overlap with how you're already approaching it, but I wouldn't be thinking so much about the amount of time you hug your children (and then reaching that point where you feel you need 'space') but rather, just incorporate lots of little touches through-out the day. A quick pat on the head (I don't have kids so work with me here lol), a rub on the back - just a simple rubbing of the hand near the shoulders over their clothes with affection, that kind of thing... AND what I thought might make it easier for YOU is to perhaps incorporate giving/receiving touch with 'Acts of Service'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems the love language we need for ourselves is usually the one that comes naturally to us to also give. Does that sound about right? So I was thinking along the lines of bringing touch to moments that are Acts of Service to perhaps encourage that to feel more positive for YOU. So when the kids have washed the dishes (haha, like I said I don't have kids) bring a moment of touch with your thanking them. Or if you're making dinner, grab a quick hug from hubby then. What do you think?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would counselling help, perhaps?


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