# Stepmom of 23 years has question about exes!



## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

My husband and I have been married almost 23 years. It has been one wild ride. I am wondering am I crazy to be bothered that all of a sudden he and his ex are buying joint gifts for our 7 year old grandson? These are two exes that bash each other relentlessly and can’t even be in the same room. Much less ever co parent their daughter. We separated and almost divorced a year ago. My stepdaughter made it a point to tell me that they have been talking. I was shocked when he maybe slipped up when he said they bought him a birthday gift together. I felt it wasn’t consistent with what’s said and has been for soo many years. After questioning him I was told I misheard what he said. BS. We’ve been thru soo much crap I just needed people to weigh in and give me thoughts about this. Is this a problem or do I let it go?


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## SpartaMe (9 mo ago)

Stepmom99 said:


> My husband and I have been married almost 23 years. It has been one wild ride. I am wondering am I crazy to be bothered that all of a sudden he and his ex are buying joint gifts for our 7 year old grandson? These are two exes that bash each other relentlessly and can’t even be in the same room. Much less ever co parent their daughter. We separated and almost divorced a year ago. My stepdaughter made it a point to tell me that they have been talking. I was shocked when he maybe slipped up when he said they bought him a birthday gift together. I felt it wasn’t consistent with what’s said and has been for soo many years. After questioning him I was told I misheard what he said. BS. We’ve been thru soo much crap I just needed people to weigh in and give me thoughts about this. Is this a problem or do I let it go?


Thank you, you helped a lot.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stepmom99 said:


> My husband and I have been married almost 23 years. It has been one wild ride. I am wondering am I crazy to be bothered that all of a sudden he and his ex are buying joint gifts for our 7 year old grandson? These are two exes that bash each other relentlessly and can’t even be in the same room. Much less ever co parent their daughter. We separated and almost divorced a year ago. My stepdaughter made it a point to tell me that they have been talking. I was shocked when he maybe slipped up when he said they bought him a birthday gift together. I felt it wasn’t consistent with what’s said and has been for soo many years. After questioning him I was told I misheard what he said. BS. We’ve been thru soo much crap I just needed people to weigh in and give me thoughts about this. Is this a problem or do I let it go?


Ouch ouch ouch! @Stepmom99 this looks bad to me. Ex’s can’t be besties! This is a problem that I’d squash in a hurry if I were you!


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## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ouch ouch ouch! @Stepmom99 this looks bad to me. Ex’s can’t be besties! This is a problem that I’d squash in a hurry if I were you!


I believe it looks bad too. I have no problem with exes being adults and doing what is right for their kids. I encouraged it for years. Tried to foster a good relationship with his ex but it was pooped on right away. While separated I wanted to send a Christmas present for my grandson but my stepdaughter shut it down. After talking to her she said she didn’t want to have to explain it to him. Very odd because my husband would FaceTime with grandson and I was still grandma. Since our reconciliation everyone acts like nothing ever happened. But I get these bombs dropped and feels very icy from my stepdaughter. I wonder if she is still pushing for her parents to be the perfect little family. They bought a co gift!!??? These 2 never co’d anything. At this point how do I even be heard by my husband? His mouth says one thing and now his actions don’t seem to be consistent with his mouth


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

@Stepmom99 please don’t be offended by this question, it is just to get a better idea of the situation. Were you the reason for their divorce?

What was the reason for you separating last year?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stepmom99 said:


> I believe it looks bad too. I have no problem with exes being adults and doing what is right for their kids. I encouraged it for years. Tried to foster a good relationship with his ex but it was pooped on right away. While separated I wanted to send a Christmas present for my grandson but my stepdaughter shut it down. After talking to her she said she didn’t want to have to explain it to him. Very odd because my husband would FaceTime with grandson and I was still grandma. Since our reconciliation everyone acts like nothing ever happened. But I get these bombs dropped and feels very icy from my stepdaughter. I wonder if she is still pushing for her parents to be the perfect little family. They bought a co gift!!??? These 2 never co’d anything. At this point how do I even be heard by my husband? His mouth says one thing and now his actions don’t seem to be consistent with his mouth


I think you're on track with this whole thing. Your separation looks like it was also a 'reconnection' for hubby and ex, and now the family is trying to make that work.

Like most affairs, I don't think you can be heard without taking that major earth-shattering step to file for D. It takes a big shock if he really is in heat for his b.

Actions are the only thing that's important if trust is broken. Just get used to ignoring the words, watch what he does.

So sorry you are here...I really hope the best for you!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> @Stepmom99 please don’t be offended by this question, it is just to get a better idea of the situation. Were you the reason for their divorce?
> 
> What was the reason for you separating last year?


Very good questions. Also, how long a separation and what we’re the changes that led to reconciling? And who was pushing for the separation and possible divorce?


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## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

Ok. I was not the reason for their divorce. We lived in different cities and none of us knew the other. I filed for the divorce in 2-2020. I should mention I have 3 daughters also. 4 between us. I just got so exhausted with all the years trying to do right by all the girls. I’m not saying I was perfect but I tried. My stepdaughter grew up believing my girls needed her dad more than she did. It was truly awful. I did my damdest to make sure she never went without so mine could have anything. I think my husband just felt so in the middle of all of us that he just did what he needed to do for his daughter and the hell with the rest of us. I mean spending thousands and running to at any and every phone call. He wasn’t parenting her. But her sure did parent his stepdaughters and it wasn’t good. I filed for the divorce because I finally gave up the hope that he would wake up and be the fair man I married. I had been caretaking for my brother with cancer, his stepfather with cancer. After his stepdad died things calmed down a bit then my middle daughter called and her 14 year marriage was ending and he told her to come on up and live with us. Well, he freaked out and decided he couldn’t handle her and the 2 boys, one is autistic. He thought it was best they live with my brother who barely survived cancer. That was it for me. I was pissed. I filed for the divorce moved out and then boom we’re in a pandemic. I had a lot of time to reflect and we talked and visited steadily for over year. We both made compromises and things had been going easily for almost a year. Then my stepdaughter decides she’ll see me. And it’s been pretty crappy ever since.


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## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I think you're on track with this whole thing. Your separation looks like it was also a 'reconnection' for hubby and ex, and now the family is trying to make that work.
> 
> Like most affairs, I don't think you can be heard without taking that major earth-shattering step to file for D. It takes a big shock if he really is in heat for his b.
> 
> ...


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## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

I guess it’s all just crap. She wasn’t the evil ***** anymore and that was a great time to do for the grandson what they never would for their daughter? Why should that be so hard to say? Will they ever grow up? I am soooo tired of the games


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stepmom99 said:


> I guess it’s all just crap. She wasn’t the evil *** anymore and that was a great time to do for the grandson what they never would for their daughter? Why should that be so hard to say? Will they ever grow up? I am soooo tired of the games


You didn’t mention your ages, but mid-life crisis? Trying to recapture his youth? Maybe just purely a piece of crap as a man? I’d say it looks like you need to walk down that D road again, except this time finish it.

I can hear the hurt in your voice. All I can say is to surround yourself with those that love you, those 3 daughters; let them love you through this. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Don’t take the blame for any of that. Were you perfect? No. So freakin what, no one is. That’s why there’s marriage counseling. But he chose her it sounds like, instead of making it work with you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Stepmom99 said:


> *My stepdaughter grew up believing my girls needed her dad more than she did*. It was truly awful. I did my damdest to make sure she never went without so mine could have anything. I think my husband just felt so in the middle of all of us that he just did what he needed to do for his daughter and the hell with the rest of us. *I mean spending thousands and running to at any and every phone call*. He wasn’t parenting her. But her sure did parent his stepdaughters and it wasn’t good.


Can you expand on the bolded a bit OP? Why did his daughter believe that?


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## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I think you're on track with this whole thing. Your separation looks like it was also a 'reconnection' for hubby and ex, and now the family is trying to make that work.
> 
> Like most affairs, I don't think you can be heard without taking that major earth-shattering step to file for D. It takes a big shock if he really is in heat for his b.
> 
> ...





BeyondRepair007 said:


> I think you're on track with this whole thing. Your separation looks like it was also a 'reconnection' for hubby and ex, and now the family is trying to make that work.
> 
> Like most affairs, I don't think you can be heard without taking that major earth-shattering step to file for D. It takes a big shock if he really is in heat for his b.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for pointing this out as an affair. Really does bring this into perspective for me. Sure explains why the daughter tried to send him home with her parents wedding pictures. I bet if I looked I’d find them. I don’t have time for that. Nor do I care


BeyondRepair007 said:


> You didn’t mention your ages, but mid-life crisis? Trying to recapture his youth? Maybe just purely a piece of crap as a man? I’d say it looks like you need to walk down that D road again, except this time finish it.
> 
> I can hear the hurt in your voice. All I can say is to surround yourself with those that love you, those 3 daughters; let them love you through this. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Don’t take the blame for any of that. Were you perfect? No. So freakin what, no one is. That’s why there’s marriage counseling. But he chose her it sounds like, instead of making it work with you.
> [/QUOTE





frusdil said:


> Can you expand on the bolded a bit OP? Why did his daughter believe that?


 my stepdaughter just told me this in dec. she said that’s how she had to believe to be ok with it. Her parents were awful. Truly. She was so caught in the middle. I felt so sorry for her. He would hide his spending from me. “We would spend 50.00 on birthdays for my 3. Then I’d accidentally find an 1800.00 charge for her 16th birthday. As a teen her and her mom fought terribly. Drama calls all hours. Shoplifting, drinking etc. normal teen stuff. No one was parenting her. They chose to fight. She said she didn’t know who to believe because they bashed eachother relentlessy


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stepmom99 said:


> Thankyou for pointing this out as an affair. Really does bring this into perspective for me. Sure explains why the daughter tried to send him home with her parents wedding pictures. I bet if I looked I’d find them. I don’t have time for that. Nor do I care
> 
> my stepdaughter just told me this in dec. she said that’s how she had to believe to be ok with it. Her parents were awful. Truly. She was so caught in the middle. I felt so sorry for her. He would hide his spending from me. “We would spend 50.00 on birthdays for my 3. Then I’d accidentally find an 1800.00 charge for her 16th birthday. As a teen her and her mom fought terribly. Drama calls all hours. Shoplifting, drinking etc. normal teen stuff. No one was parenting her. They chose to fight. She said she didn’t know who to believe because they bashed eachother relentlessy


It seems pretty clear that your H is having an emotional affair at the very least, and because there is plenty of opportunity, you can bet it has gone to physical affair.

I don't get why if the daughter thinks her parents are so crappy and her life sucked, why would she be trying to help get them back together? That doesn't quite fit. Is she over all the childhood drama and seeing things differently now?


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## Stepmom99 (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It seems pretty clear that your H is having an emotional affair at the very least, and because there is plenty of opportunity, you can bet it has gone to physical affair.
> 
> I don't get why if the daughter thinks her parents are so crappy and her life sucked, why would she be trying to help get them back together? That doesn't quite fit. Is she over all the childhood drama and seeing things differently now?


im sure it was a big party for them bashing me. Had to be a nice break from being at each others throat right?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stepmom99 said:


> im sure it was a big party for them bashing me. Had to be a nice break from being at each others throat right?


Maybe it was... or maybe it wasn't like that.

Don't let your imagination create events that aren't real because doing that will drive you bonkers.
I should know... I'm the king of doing that, and have been bonkers a few times!

Take a breath, back away from the emotions and the 'what ifs', try to look at the facts that you know and plan your next move.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Stepmom99 said:


> Thankyou for pointing this out as an affair. Really does bring this into perspective for me. Sure explains why the daughter tried to send him home with her parents wedding pictures. I bet if I looked I’d find them. I don’t have time for that. Nor do I care
> 
> my stepdaughter just told me this in dec. she said that’s how she had to believe to be ok with it. Her parents were awful. Truly. She was so caught in the middle. I felt so sorry for her. He would hide his spending from me. “We would spend 50.00 on birthdays for my 3. _*Then I’d accidentally find an 1800.00 charge for her 16th birthday.*_ As a teen her and her mom fought terribly. Drama calls all hours. Shoplifting, drinking etc. normal teen stuff. No one was parenting her. They chose to fight. She said she didn’t know who to believe because they bashed eachother relentlessy


Omg. I’d freak


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