# I need advice



## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi everyone, first of all I am a 36yr old mother of 5, married for 13yrs. I am confused about my marriage and I don't know if I want to get help to fix it or just call it quits. 

I am not in love with my husband, I haven't kissed him in quite some time, we have had sex probally twice in the last year, partly because of me and partly because of him. I have never had an orgasm so I am not interested in sex and as well he is just a wham bam thankyou kinda guy that doesn't care if I am pleased anyway so really what is the point. 
He doesn't help out with the finances in anyway, I pay all the bills, morgage, food, etc He "works" full time at his brothers business but claims he makes no money. 
If he doesn't get his nightly BJ there is a huge fight and I usually get litterly kicked out of bed to sleep on the couch. He will call me *****, selfish and a hole lot of nasty words if he doesn't get his BJ and tells me if I won't put out I can get out. 
I hate going to bed every night cause I know what I "have to do" 
Do I try to make the marriage work for the kids or do I pack up and leave, cause he said I have to get out if we split even though I Pay all the bills. 
I am confused and really don't know what to do. He does have a kind side and I know he loves me or maybe that he is just very dependent of me but I feel bad for him, expecially if I leave, he won't be able to pay for anything. 
Please is this normal maritial practices??


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your husband seems selfish. You deserve to be happy. Sex is important and I am sure there is someone out there willing to give you that orgasm. Why should he get a bj every night and you get nothing (again selfish). I think he has settled for the mundane and takes you for granted. It doesn't matter if he needs your money to survive that is a crook if he wanted money he'd work someplace that gave him money. Or since his brother isn't paying him --he can take him in.

draconis


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

Thanks for your reply but how do I pack up 4 young kids(the oldest is 18 and my stepson who still lives at home so I would imagine since his father molded him he would stay with him) and move?? I have a line of credit that is $2000 from being payed off and 3 credit cards in my name but how do I uproot the other 4kids and find a place to live?? what will happen to my credit then if the house is in both our names and he stays in it but cannot pay for it?? I have a full time job so I know I can do it financially but I don't think I am emotionally strong enough to do it. I did move out 5 years ago but I only had 2 kids at the time and he ended up stalking me and begging me to come back, he promised things would change and they did for a bit but now it seems like different problems. He really doesn't believe he is selfish but that I am. He makes me believe that maybe I am.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Easy seperate. File for a divorce and let him move out. Chances are you will get the kids and get the house. Talk to a lawyer. If you can not go straight to a lawyer there are a ton of free services for legal advice in every state. You can pm me the state you are in or I can give you general directions on how to find the information yourself.

Unless the house is solely in his name you have a right to it as much or more so then him. A judge will decide who spends the most and takes care of the kids the most. The default is almost always the mother.

If the house is in both your names then I think you'll get it. Since you already pay the bills it should be no problem.

draconis


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

The house is in both our names but he has said several times that HE is NOT moving out. How do you make someone move out?? I think he could become very violent and I would be afraid for my life if the arguement was heated enough. 
I am in Canada but not sure where free legal advise would be Legal Aid said I make too much money to get their free services. 
Maybe I should just lay in the bed I made as he would say.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

motheroffive said:


> The house is in both our names but he has said several times that HE is NOT moving out. How do you make someone move out?? I think he could become very violent and I would be afraid for my life if the arguement was heated enough.
> I am in Canada but not sure where free legal advise would be Legal Aid said I make too much money to get their free services.
> Maybe I should just lay in the bed I made as he would say.


Canada is much like the US. Some laws differ. In the US each state has a bar association you can talk to. Many local enviroments have free legal avocates as well. 

Also in the US and I am sure in Canada as well if he is violent he can be removed and given a restraining order. 

You are suffering from verbal abuse.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/360-verbal-abuse-thesis.html

He wants you to feel helpless.

You don't have to lay in the bed that you have made because we all change. He is intimidating you. 

If you really fear things that much talk with a parent or close friend and move just what you have to out of the house or to a local shelter until the divorce goes through, but first thing would be to get a lawyer and find out how the laws read and his advice.

Don't give into the abuse, he wants you to so he can control you like this for the rest of your life.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

Get thee to a lawyer first and see what your options are. Do not, not, not stay in a bad situation for your kids. Children are very smart and they know when people are unhappy. Besides, he isn't the best role model for how to treat someone you love. 

If you can start putting some money away in a separate account for a lawyer/divorce fund that may be a good idea. 

It sounds like you're feeling a little hopeless. I just wanted to encourage you. It may be hard to get out, but get out at all costs. There is better out there.



> He does have a kind side and I know he loves me or maybe that he is just very dependent of me but I feel bad for him, expecially if I leave, he won't be able to pay for anything.


If you start to feel guilty just remind yourself of his favorite quote: Maybe he should just lay in the bed he made.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> It sounds like you're feeling a little hopeless. I just wanted to encourage you. It may be hard to get out, but get out at all costs. There is better out there.
> 
> 
> Quote:
> ...


Very sound advice.

draconis


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## loyalandalone (Oct 15, 2007)

Give no more bjs learn to enjoy the couch, sounds like that would be were you should want to sleep. Find out how to give yourself a orgasm (something every woman should know) Stop being played. Demand respect. Start taking better care of yourself so you start feeling better then looking better because your self-esteem seems low. If your name is on that house or not any lawyer will help you help him get-to-steppin'. 
Dig deep and be strong and do what it takes to make YOU happy because you deserve it!


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

Well, I slept on the couch again last night. This morning he continued with come here before I leave for work. I told him the only way I was getting anywhere close to him was to talk about our relationship, I wasn't going to do what he had in mind. We argued and I told him I didn't love him and I wanted him out. He said I could get out and he wasn't leaving. I then said we could do it the hard way if he wanted. I could go to the police and ask for him to be removed, I could tell them I believe he could become very violent and tell them about the time he tried to push me down the stairs and the time he drug me out of bed by my hair and down the hall, or the time he threw me to the concrete garage floor and stomped on my head, I told him I could go on and on. He suddenly changed his tune and said he will do what ever I wanted so I asked him again to move out and he said we will talk when he gets home from "work". 
I called a lawyer for a free consoltation and I have an appointment for Friday AM, I cancelled his credit cards which were in my name and as well I cancelled his cell phone which I have been paying for and is also in my name. I told him I took his name off the bank account so not to bother to use his bank card and he said not to worry he doesn't use it anyway. 
I am feeling more confused than before, I can't stop crying, I called in sick for work tonight, did I do the right thing or am I going overboard???


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

Do you think that when a husband doesn't believe the need to support a family of 7 (5 kids) and he can buy whatever he wants for himself, is a solid reason to not love that husband or am I just totally messed up?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

motheroffive said:


> Do you think that when a husband doesn't believe the need to support a family of 7 (5 kids) and he can buy whatever he wants for himself, is a solid reason to not love that husband or am I just totally messed up?


First off he has a responciblity to his family first. Second that throws out the theory that he doesn't make any money because obviously he does.

draconis


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

He claims he doesn't make "much" money, he claims he doesn't make enough to help out. I know it sounds like crap but I looked in his wallet on Friday and there were about 6 $100 bills. I don't know what they were for and I didn't ask but I am sure he makes more than he is letting on.


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

> Do you think that when a husband doesn't believe the need to support a family of 7 (5 kids) and he can buy whatever he wants for himself, is a solid reason to not love that husband or am I just totally messed up?


To be quite honest, even if this was the only problem he had, yes. People show you how they feel about you through their actions and he's sending you a big message here. My own husband buys stuff for himself, but when I say I want something he's the first to start planning on how to get it. Your husband is selfish and inflexible. I think that's a deadly combination in any relationship.



> I could go to the police and ask for him to be removed, I could tell them I believe he could become very violent and tell them about the time he tried to push me down the stairs and the time he drug me out of bed by my hair and down the hall, or the time he threw me to the concrete garage floor and stomped on my head,


UM, WHAT?! 

Before you go to your consultation it may be a good idea to keep track of this information. Try to remember dates, times and if there were any witnesses when he was violent (if your children were in the house when this occurred). Keep track of the bills you pay (and if he pays anything--that too), what you've bought for the kids and what he's bought for himself. Make sure you talk about the emotional abuse also. The more dates and concrete info you remember, the better a case you have.

motheroffive, it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders. It doesn't sound like you're going too far, this was a long time in coming. Anyone that drags you by your hair ANYWHERE needs lots and lots of counseling and should NOT be let near you or your children until said counselor says that he has made the necessary progress to have a meaningful relationship.

Stay strong.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

motheroffive said:


> He claims he doesn't make "much" money, he claims he doesn't make enough to help out. I know it sounds like crap but I looked in his wallet on Friday and there were about 6 $100 bills. I don't know what they were for and I didn't ask but I am sure he makes more than he is letting on.


He is feeding you a line. He wants his cake and to eat it too. You pay for everything while he gets to buy all of the toys he wants. That is a line. The fact is he is lieing to you. If he doesn't make enough he needs to find another job period. It shouldn't fall just on you to deal with everything while he does nothing.

draconis


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Okay..this seems a little strange. Honey, if I were you I would much rather be sleeping on a couch then in a bed with a man that only thinks of himself. Put out or get out, thats very childish and not to mention very selfish and inconsiderate. I can see why you would feel bad for him but DONT...do you think he feels bad for you when you have to sleep on the couch if you dont "put out"? You need to either talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you dont appreciate the selfishness, and if he cant see your points or at least try to put forth the effort, then you need to leave, if you are not happy dont waste your life. I know the whole guilt trip thing well....dont fall for it. You need to look out for yourself and your kids as well, dont waste your life on someone thats so inconsiderate that they would make you spend a restless night on the couch because he didnt get what he wanted...good luck and god bless


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Check your local and federal laws if he physically kicks you out of bed I think that is considered physical abuse although the laws where you are may differ. 

draconis


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

Well I guess I am going on with a divorce. I went to see the Lawyer today and she is serving him with a letter asking him to leave and be out by Nov 24 (that is when I get back from Disney with the kids) She will be starting the divorce just before I go and he will be served the divorce papers the week I return(we did this so he doesn't do anything stupid to the house when I am gone)
I just wish he would move out now because I know he is going to give me the guilt trip for the next few weeks but I have to be strong and stand my grounds. 
When so we sit down with the kids to tell them?? I don't want to do it too soon but I don't want them to get freaked out if one day Dad leaves.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here is what I'd say.

_You know how you have many friends? Well sometimes you stop being friends with someone? Well, you know how even if you are not best friends with that person anymore some of your friends still are? That is Daddy and I. We just are not close friends anymore, but it is okay because we are both still going to be here for you and we are both still going to love and care for you. We just don't want to argue anymore and say things to hurt each others feelings. But we both still love all of you and we always will put you first in our lives._

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

BTW: Good for you on the moving on.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

If he acts violent/intimidating in any way call the police and see if you can't get a restraining order. This would get him out quickly.

I agree with draconis with the wording to the children. As to when to tell them, that's up to you. Just don't let your husband tell them first because as selfish and manipulative as he sounds, he may try to use the kids against you. 

I'm glad to see you sought a lawyer and moving forward. :smthumbup:

Good luck motheroffive.


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## wife_3_kids (Oct 29, 2007)

motheroffive said:


> Hi everyone, first of all I am a 36yr old mother of 5, married for 13yrs. I am confused about my marriage and I don't know if I want to get help to fix it or just call it quits.
> 
> I am not in love with my husband, I haven't kissed him in quite some time, we have had sex probally twice in the last year, partly because of me and partly because of him. I have never had an orgasm so I am not interested in sex and as well he is just a wham bam thankyou kinda guy that doesn't care if I am pleased anyway so really what is the point.
> He doesn't help out with the finances in anyway, I pay all the bills, morgage, food, etc He "works" full time at his brothers business but claims he makes no money.
> ...


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## wife_3_kids (Oct 29, 2007)

no it ios not normal he should be pulling his weight and he should understand if you dont want to give him a bj it is your life you dont have to put up with soem one calling you names or telling you that you have to give them a bj or get out the best thing i recommend is for you to take the kids and leave because the kids dont need to see you two fight or him call you names you can find someone better


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

OK, now I have new major problems. We have been seperated but living under the same roof for 3 weeks and today he asked what was going on are we getting back together or getting a divorce (there were a few more words used) I said divorce and he turned into an instant a**hole. Saying things like "I want all your credit card info, I want all your bank info, you are not taking the kids to Disney next week" etc. I have had this trip planned for about a year now to take the kids away to Disney and my parent were coming, the plane tickets are paid for and I have the passports but he is telling me I am not taking them. But if I agree to "work things out" and sleep with him everything will be fine. He is screwing me up and I think he may do something drastic if I don't sleep with him and "work things out". I am scared and confused. What should I do??


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

when is the trip planned for?
i'm really sorry to hear what's going on for you, this is so not fair.
he can't stop you from taking them (unless he takes legal action) but if the trip is planned for soon, i don't see how he could possibly stop you.
DO NOT surrender your passports, even those of your kids, DO NOT give him all the info he is asking for. stand your ground for the time being when it comes to the financial things. don't let him take away from you what you have worked hard to earn.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Motheroffive: You are absolutely doing the right thing! You are protecting yourself and your children from what could be come a very volitale situation. As hard as it is right now, you are fighting for yourself which you seem to have lost over the years. You deserve so much better and so do your children. By them seeing and unhealthy relationship they are going to consider that to be the norm. It is better for them to see you apart and happy rather than together and miserable. I am a mother of four (three at home) and I feel your pain. When you love someone you want to give of yourself to makes things right, however, you can not loose yourself in the process. We are here for your and wish you all the best of luck.


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## motheroffive (Oct 16, 2007)

Does anyone know if I need a letter of consent from him if I am travelling with the kids via airplane crossing the Canadian/US border??


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It would be a very good idea if you are seperated. In the USA if you travel from one state to another they may claim you are a flight risk. If you have a lawyer ask him if you can get one from the court. If you are not yet seperated then I would not worry to much about it. Since you are their mother I'd say that you can take them, however this behavior shadows people that kidnap their own children. He might use it in court against you. Most cities have free legal one way or another. I'd check into that.

draconis


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