# Sooo undecided!!



## paleomama (Sep 17, 2011)

Hi everyone, I really need some help. I have been married 25+ years. We have 3 children which are almost adults now. It's not that I just realized that my marriage was not working, I was just so busy being a mom and working full time. Now that my children don't need my attention as much I realize how empty my marriage is. 

We don't argue or fight but we don't really talk or spend time together either. We are like roommates who get along, but I need something more. I want a companion, someone to enjoy life with. We have talked several times about getting a separation or divorce. He insists he loves me and wants to work it out. However nothing really changes. 

I am constantly feeling down. The doctor wants to put me on antidepressants, but I know the real problem is my unhappy marriage. I feel guilty demanding a divorce because he continues to tell me he wants to make things work but doesn't make an effort or maybe we are just so distant that any effort he makes is just never going to get us close enough.

He is a good man and I believe I am a good woman, we are just on very different paths. I don't know how he can be happy with our life, but I need a change. I have so many friends who get a separation and then regret it because the grass was not greener on the other side. So I guess I am scared that if I get a separation my life won't get any better, but I also can't continue this way. Please help! Any suggestions? Am I asking for too much? Should I be satisfied with how things are? Should I keep trying? Lower my expectations? I don't know what to do, but I am tired of being unhappy.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Get thyself into some counseling, individual, marital.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

paleomama said:


> I want a companion, someone to enjoy life with.


That is a reasonable need; however, finding someone to fulfill it is a different matter. You mention several times that nothing changes. Although this may sound rather inane, Al-Anon has a saying, "nothing changes if nothing changes." You will have to take the initiative. Get into counseling for your own issues. Ask your husband get into MC with you. He may want to change, but is at a loss exactly how to proceed.




paleomama said:


> I am constantly feeling down. The doctor wants to put me on antidepressants, but I know the real problem is my unhappy marriage.


I can understand that a marriage lacking a special connection can make you feel down, but we all own our happiness. Nobody can make us happy; that is an inside job. Perhaps antidepressants, along with counseling would help you feel better. Do you have hobbies and interests of your own that you would like to pursue? 




paleomama said:


> I have so many friends who get a separation and then regret it because the grass was not greener on the other side.


It's not. I have less drama in my life now that I'm separated, but there are times I miss the companionship of someone with whom I can go out to dinner or a movie. On the other hand, I enjoy the solititude more. 

When I left my first marriage at the age of 28, the grass was indeed greener. I was young, plenty of guys to meet, lots of partying left in me. At this point in my life, I'm not interested in meeting another man. I have plenty of friends who have been married for 25 years and longer. Their marriages don't appear to be any box of chocolates, but the ones that are successful are that way because each partner works hard on the relationship.

Sorry I can't offer any profound words or insights into the wonderful world of marriage. Just hope both of you can give MC a try. Don't give up yet.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

paleomama said:


> Hi everyone, I really need some help. I have been married 25+ years. We have 3 children which are almost adults now. It's not that I just realized that my marriage was not working, I was just so busy being a mom and working full time. Now that my children don't need my attention as much I realize how empty my marriage is.
> 
> We don't argue or fight but we don't really talk or spend time together either. We are like roommates who get along, but I need something more. I want a companion, someone to enjoy life with. We have talked several times about getting a separation or divorce. He insists he loves me and wants to work it out. However nothing really changes.
> 
> ...


It is a situation that I too found myself in... 20+ years married, domestic life takes a huge chuck out of a relationship... rest assured there are many spouses on the these boards that have and are going through the same as you.

In my case, with years of hollow promises to affect change, it all came to a head I had to take drastic measures. I asked him to leave and we both MC. (I have been seeing an IC far before this event) It has been an amazing journey for the both of us. After 9 months separated he realized that couldn't go back to the comfort zone and slip back into old habits.. (and during the marriage I was an enabler in this) He has learnt much about himself, and I about myself, and now we are determining if we can exist together... we are dedicated and committed not only ourselves as individuals, but if we can exist... if we can share a life together WITHOUT comprimising our true core personalities, values and morals. We are both very hopeful however we understand that there are no guarentees. We both understand that there isn't a slight on either one of us, and respect eachother immensely. Our happiness is born within ourselves, and if we can share it with eachother. The journey will either continue, or it will end... either way... we want each of us to be happy, fulfilled and true to themselves and flourish for our remaining days. 

Do not make any decisions until you have seeked help... it is of course much preferred to do this while still remaining together, but in our case, we had to separate.

good luck and best wishes...


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## paleomama (Sep 17, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I will seek MC and IC.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Ditto here... 23+ years of being married, and I feel like I'm living with a roommate, who is a total stranger to me. Over the years with kids, jobs, etc. my H spent more and more time in front of the computer. As he did that, I took on more and more of the parenting responsibilities. It was subtle, gradual, until we both got to a point where we live completely separate lives. We are both to blame for letting it get to this point.

Currently my H spends 12-14 hours a day sitting in front of a computer, combined work time and Internet surfing time. That means that I work 3/4 time, plus do literally 100% of all parenting, with all that entails. H does things around the house, mows the lawn, etc. but he has forgotten how to communicate and interact with other human beings because of his ridiculous amount of computer time every day - including the two people who should be his top priority in life... his own children. 

So here we are in this hole we've both dug... I'm very outgoing, have friends, like to get out and do things. My H doesn't have a single friend in the world. Going out to dinner and a movie would be a miracle, much less anything that involved interacting with other people outside of our immediate family. I want a life partner, someone who wants to participate in LIFE and do things, go places, travel, explore, hike, watch movies, etc. I'd REALLY love a co-parent who would take an interest in his own children's lives. Instead I have a lump in a chair in front of a computer in a dark room with the blinds closed. Not very fulfilling, to say the least, but I refuse to stop living MY life, even though he's chosen to stop living his.


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