# Was I out of line?



## Devoted02 (Dec 6, 2011)

My husband is short tempered and 80% of the time yells as a reaction instead of calmly speaking or explaining. I honestly believe this has resulted in the way our children also react to others, mostly our oldest. A few weeks ago I witnessed him calmly talk down our nephew (8 - tends to break out into serious anger mode when upset) in a way I've never seen him do with our own son/daughter (12/8). I was pleased to see it and at the same time sad. I wish he was this way with his own children. Yesterday we were discussing the situation and I mentioned how I was amazed at the way he calmed our nephew (no one can) and maybe he could try to be that way with our son (daughter not as bad). He flipped out. Said I'm always making him feel guilty for disciplining our children. He believes the way he acts builds character and shows them respect. I guess my question is was I out of line for pointing it out? This is an ongoing battle between us. I'm not as reactive and more often than not we disagree on how to raise our children. I've been told over and over again to respect my husband, support him etc. I want to and normally I do but when it comes to "beating down" the children emotionally, I lose the respect.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Since you were praising him on something you witnessed and offered a suggestion.. I feel he was out of line.. he sounds he can not take criticism in any form.. which is very immature ... though he can sure correct when he sees it.. if everyone reacted the way HE DOES .... well he wouldn't LIKE IT AT ALL.. not sure why people can't see this.. or at the very least ADMIT IT ....which is a starting ground to change one's behavior... 

Not to mention it makes it a whole lot harder to live with such a personality.. we should always strive to be a better person.. a better parent...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think it is normal that you would lose respect for him when he behaves in a manner unworthy of respect. He would be wise to listen to your counsel.

Do you defend the children when he is aggressive with them? I would. Not in any sort of disrespectful way, but defend them nonetheless. They need you to do that. They are looking to you, too, for the example on how to be in life.

Are you respectful (calm voice, open and honest manner, asking forgiveness when necessary) towards him? That is really helpful, I think. It will help him be able to hear what you are saying. And he does need to be able to hear it. The kids need him to be able to hear it.

I would focus on being a good example to him by the way you treat him and the children. Do be ready to stand up for the kids when necessary. If he balks, tell him you are sorry he felt disrespected, and that is not how you want him to feel, but you have a moral obligation to protect the kids. He can get over his ego.

I would also make a point of mentioning regularly what a good job he did with the nephew, and how much respect it makes you have for him. Tell him that when you saw that, it made you proud he is the father of your children. Saying that sincerely should reach his heart.

You do love him, don't you? Be sure to be loving with him. He needs your love and care, too. 

Hope this helps.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Were you out of line? ....Sort of. You gave him a back handed compliment. While I certainly don't fault you needing and wanting him to use the technique with the nephew with your kids as well.

How to parent children is a major source of marital strife. It is not easy to blend techniques particularly when they are so divergent.

I would suggest you not only follow jld's suggestions but also make a point of conversing with him about how he felt growing up when his parents bullied him. Bullying seems to be his parenting style and when kids are raised with a bully parent they tend to become bullies themselves or they go to the other extreme. By treated him in the respectful way you wish he would treat others set the example for him, shows him how to do it so to speak.

1. You could find a marriage and family therapist and start attending with your H for the express purpose of learning how to blend your parenting styles in order to save your relationship.

2. You could attend various parenting classes with your husband, such as Active Parenting for Teens. Many schools now offer these kinds of classes. I particularly think the active parenting technique teaches both respectful dialogue with kids (and those of us raised in bullying or abusive homes really need to learn this) and limit setting through mutual agreements. You can buy the Active Parenting books through Amazon. I suggest you buy paperback vs the electronic version.

I was very lucky in that my H and I always seemed to be on the same page when it came to the kids. A few times he had to step in when I was losing it and I had to step in when he was losing it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Devoted02 said:


> *My husband is short tempered and 80% of the time yells as a reaction instead of calmly speaking or explaining. I honestly believe this has resulted in the way our children also react to others, mostly our oldest.* .................


80% of the time is about 78% of the time too much. A lot of people that yell and have little anger control don't really understand how badly it impacts those around them. Honestly a man like that would be a major turn off for me, sorry I just think it is such an unevolved way to be.
Maybe you could use a third party to get him to see how this has impacted you and the kids, would he go to counselling?


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## Rick Barrow (Apr 14, 2015)

I think there's no need to tell how much influence parents have on their children when the last are small. You do it right, when you try to speak to your husband about his style of parenting. It's a really serious period of time, so if you want to raise your children healthy, calm and happy you should try to explain to your husband how he impacts the children.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"He believes the way he acts builds character and shows them respect."

You do realize that this is face-saving, don't you? No one on the planet believes that yelling builds character or shows respect. He needs to up his game if this is the best excuse he can manage.

There are probably a million books on child rearing. Get one and have him read it.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Do you defend the children when he is aggressive with them? I would. *Not in any sort of disrespectful way, but defend them nonetheless. *They need you to do that. They are looking to you, too, for the example on how to be in life.


IMO, this is very important - and also very tricky. 

If they are being degraded/belittled in any way they need to be defended - then and there. 

However, taking care to not undermine their father's authority is crucial. Reinforcing the appropriate consequences of the children's poor behavior, the parent's rightful role in handing them down, BUT handed down in a respectful manner. 

Hard to do if you and hubby are not on the same page as to what is and is not appropriate. That REALLY needs to be agreed upon, away from the kids. 

Children need to feel respected too! Of course you get them to "fall in line" with sheer force, shame, and fear. But they won't feel respected and so will not respect in return. They might obey, for the time being, but won't respect.


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