# I'm running blind



## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Don't even know where to start, but here I go.
Me and my wife met on Eharmony, we both had a reasons to be searching for people on an online dating sites. We both run successful businesses and we were able to connect through Eharmony. We actually have a crap load in common. 

We got married in 2007 and everything was picture perfect. I sold my house and moved in with her at her house. We had our ups and downs, a lot of downs. One of the major problems in our relationship was her child that was 11 and now he is 17. We had major parenting conflicts and have gotten into may fights because of this. For instance I like people to earn something rather than it just being handed to you. Like a car, cell phone, she even gives him her CC to go shopping with and he'll drop $900 in clothes. Our finances are separate and she pays her own CC payments, so some of you out there are saying, "Dude what's your problem, your lucky she pays her own CC". My response is he is over indulged and talks about dropping out of school, he just got fired from his job for 3 no call no shows. ect. No drive to earn anything and over indulging a child is dangerous behavior. Unless you want to live with your step child when hes 30 years old. This is just one of out tension points.

Two years ago her dad past away, and he was only 59. Complications with heart surgery. He was in ICU for 8 months and that was emotionally draining and she hasn't been the same since. She tells me she's over it as best as she can be, but I know she's not. Her dad was definitely #1 in her life. He ran the business that she took over after the fact. She tells me I wasn't there for her during that hard time in her life and there is no talking her out of her feelings. She discounts the 100's of hours I spent at the hospital, because I wasn't there as much as she needed me apparently. The ICU only allowed 2 people to go in to see him at a time and it was always her mom and her in there, I spent countless hours in a waiting room.

In the downturn of the economy her business has been suffering and I know that is a huge amount of added stress on her. Some weeks she has a hard time meeting payroll.

We have had our fights where she has said "I want a divorce" in the past, and those words cut deep. We have separated before in the past, she says 'I left her" 3 times and really she forgets that she told me to leave.

Long story short, 2 days ago she said she needed to talk to me. When ever she says that I know there is a serious problem. She told me that she has noticed that I have been trying really hard for our relationship for the past 3 month, but she said she has already checked out. She has never said those words to me before, and then the conversation moved to who keeps the house. So I knew she was serious. She told me she had talked to her mom and she could move in with her mom or with her brother. Or I could move in with my brother, and that might be easier. In all practical reasons moving in with my brother would make more since, since I got rid of everything to before we got married to be with her. 

We do have serious communication issues, she is the type of person that has to be right on everything and sometimes it's embarrassing, especially when she doesn't know what she's talking about. She was arguing with some furniture movers 5 days ago that our bed was not a California King, and they were installing the bed in our bedroom, and they set the bed to a regular king, and the bed didn't fit. Then she was arguing with the professional furniture movers that she has never bought one before and they didn't know what to say. They just set the bed to a California King size and guess what???? The bed fits! The only reason I'm telling you something so petty is that is I have a problem with our relationship and need to talk to her I have to put kid gloves on, even if I know I'm right.

Maybe she's just so unhappy that anything just pisses her off.

She told me 2 days ago that for the rest of my life I would settle for a "Mediocre" Marriage and she can't. So she's not saying the marriage is bad just mediocre. I see no signs of cheating or anything like that, but how do women just turn off a switch like that? Is it that her business is failing, her dad died, her son is driving her up a wall, and her marriage isn't what she wants, and I'm the only thing she can throw away? 

I have taken my wife all over the world, Twice! Mediocre? For example, Rome 2 times, Venice, Switzerland, Monte Carlo, Canada skiing 2 times, France, Costa Rica 2 times, Cozumel 3 times, Cancun 4 times, and pretty much every island in the Caribbean. I guess those places are pretty "mediocre"

I told her that if she wanted to leave then I would appreciate if she was the one who moved out, since it was her idea to separate, and it would be better for me if she did it sooner than later. It is really hard to try to get over someone if they are in your same living environment. We don't have kids. She was a little offended that I just wouldn't go to my brothers, which I may anyway.

I hope you guys read this, I know it's hard to put 5-7 years on one post. I love her, don't want it to end. But if the grass is greener maybe she needs to find out. She if incredibly good looking so she won't have a hard time finding anyone to find out. I'm not ugly either. (I Think) 

Please if you can give me advise, any advise, something. If you think my story sucks let me know that too! I don't know what to do.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Your wife may be depressed. Why does she say mediocre,when it sounds very exciting? When people make drastic changes there is usually a motivating factor, and remember people do lie. If the love can be rekindled I would work on it, but don't give her all the power to make all the decisions. You state what you want and move forward to put in place.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Sorry to hear your story PM...thats a tough spot. It is hard to get 5-7 yrs in a post to help explain everything. I tried writing my story countless times just to delete it due to the length...... 

Have you had a chance to sit down and really talk with her ? Some of the things she gets upset about rings true to me...My stbxw did the same...

Turns out alot of the time she wasn't really upset about what I did so much as to other things going on in her life...work ,friends,etc....Things that didn't even include me...I used to wonder why she would be so upset about something so small ...I finally figured out that I wasn't tuned in or hearing to what she was really saying.. 

When those type of situations did come up I took a breathe let her vent and asked her if that was what was really bothering her or if there was something else...Surprisingly enough she would tell me about something else hat had happened and after that she would be back to her normal self...Does that make sense?

There has been so much change lately with her maybe just pick a good time and sit and talk with her ...find a good MC and set up an appointment...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lots of issues with your wife - she seems to be a high maintenance, entitled, daddies girl. I wont say she does not appreciates what she has, it is more like what she has cannot ever match what she thinks she is entitled to. 

It is possible that she wants a daddy not a husband. Someone to give her unconditional love, tell her what a perfect girl she is and to make everything alright as if by magic. 

I think you should take a real hard azzz attitude on this. There is no reason that this marriage should go south if both of you were willing to value what you have and come together as a team. 

You are not her father, we get just one and if hers was good then she was more fortunate than most. 

Your wife may need a dose of reality. She may need to see that life has ups and downs for us all. In the down times you dont shead people yu draw them closer. She needs some time alone to handle her stuff and to realize that she is the problem and that men are not going to make all of her problems go away like daddy. 

My advice - be nice, polite and cool, not mean or angry but - make her do all of the work if she wants the separation; be hard nosed about it; don't be a push over; get all self-important and like your s**t don't stink type of attitude. Be as entitled as she is. She may begin to see herself for what she is.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks for your comment, Depressed??? IDK, I know she's not happy. Sometimes when people get into a routine and you get used to going to really nice places that stuff too can get boring and Mediocre. 
This isn't the first time she has told me that she wasn't happy. I don't know if I can make her happy, which is what kills me the most.

She told me she wanted to split now because I have some trips lined up in the next 4 months and she can't go on them cause she's too busy with work. She know they will be asking for names really soon on who's going on the trips.

See I buy alot of stuff from manufactures and they send me on alot of trips. The trips this year that are coming up is a cruise in October, A week long trip to Whistsler BC, A week in Cancun, another Cruise to Hawaii, and I didn't have time to do another trip that would have gone to Spain. All of this is lined up before March.

I am very fortunate to get these perks, but I work dam hard to get them too!

Is my wife depressed???? I don't think she's ever been the same since her dad died. But she'll be the first one to argue with me about that. Our biggest problem is communication. She can do it and I'm not allowed to. For instance, if something is on her mind, she says it. If something is on my mind, I can't just say it for repercussions of her giving me 10 reasons why I'm wrong.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I know I'm not perfect in the marriage, but I will definitely take your advise on making her go through all the work to do the "Separation". All of this go thrown on me 30 hours ago, so I really don't know what to think. But if she wants out then she can leave the house. I may just give her the house anyway, but I want her to go through the motions to move all her S**t out and see what it's like to sleep on couches and other places for a couple weeks. She told me if I stay in this house then I have to pay all of the mortgage ect. We split everything before. I can afford it, but I know she was mad when I told her I wanted her to leave, that's why she said it would be easier if I stayed at my brothers. But now since she said I have to pay it all, then maybe I'll just let her come back and she can pay it all and I can live with my brother for free. That'll save me about 4K a month. She can afford it too, so I might as well save the money in the mean time.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

"Our biggest problem is communication. She can do it and I'm not allowed to. For instance, if something is on her mind, she says it. If something is on my mind, I can't just say it for repercussions of her giving me 10 reasons why I'm wrong."


DPM...

I hear you loud and clear on this one....I tried to find away to communicate my thoughts with my wife...it always ended the same...me having to hear her but the moment I spoke she would blow it off and say I was wrong or shift blame and so on...
Its tough when things get there....

As far as the house goes....she probably didn't expect you to want to stay...Thats a personal call that only you.... can really know the answer too...If you are good going to your bro's that maybe good, you can have support and be close to people that really care for you...
With that being said though...If she wants out... she should leave...
The easier thing to do would be work 100% on the marriage not leave...The grass is not greener.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

She must think the Grass if "Greener". Not sure why she thinks that unless she either has her eyes on someone else. Which I see no signs of that. She generally is a very smart person and would think things through logically before jumping, that's why I think this has been a long time in the doing. 

She did mention something a few days ago that I thought was odd now after She told me she wanted a Divorce. She mentioned a "Mutual" friend of ours (Who recently got divorced) She was on her Facebook wall and told me "She looks like she's having the time of her life" Now we just know her and we don't really talk to her or hang out with her so I know she's not bending her ear. Basically she doesn't have "Man" Bashing friends.

And that's another thing, it's not like we have or she has friend that could talk to her about leaving me. All of her friends will think she's stupid, they all like me, but tell her that if she's not happy then they will support her. Which is understandable.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Having a sh***y day today. UGH!


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Hang in there brother...Its tough road we are on. I have been thinking about my wife constantly the past 24 hrs. I am not sure why or what triggered it...but I have this strong desire to call her and ask her to go to lunch or send her an email and ask her to come home...It just sucks....

It maybe that time, is one our closest friends for now...

Do you have any plans for today ?


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I have a ton of friends, but they are all out of town camping. I stayed back because my wife and I had plans for this weekend until she dropped the bomb on me on Friday.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Use your friends to help distract you...this has been a long weekend for sure, I'll kinda be glad to go back to work. Never thought I would say that


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

So feeling really low right now. In an hour I have to head into work, and everyone is going to ask me "What Happened"? I will have to relive all of my broken hearted feelings over and over again. I have a wedding picture that has been up for 4 years right above my phone, and it's going to kill me to take it down. I don't even want to go to work. I don't know what I would do with out this forum, I am so lonely!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

leave the picture for later, most people will respect your privacy out of fear of not knowing what to say. The others give them a look like you ain't for no shyt today and they should back off. Do not hide in this misery, you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. More people than you know are in the same trouble. Have a wonderful day.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yessireeee,,,, 
Suddenly your marriage is "mediocre". When you know it wasnt.
I think this is a ditch-effort to see if better could be had.
A very terrible and infantile method of coping with problems.
But my exwife did the same things, said the same things.
A year later, I am divorced, but I am alright. 
Losing that obligatory nature I had towards her was the best thing for me, because she was by nature incapable of appreciating it.
BTW, I agree with you on raising that son of hers, it sounds like hes in for a lifetime of disappointment and struggle. Shes doing him no favors at all and that is not even remotely "parenting".


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

So here's my delema. I asked the wife to leave the house on Saturday if she was serious, and she did. I think she moved into her moms house about 25 minutes away. She took just her clothes and her personal belongings. When she left, she made sure to tell me that I need to pay all of the bills here at the house since she will have to pay bells at her new place. (Like her moms going to charge her rent, ya right) We just bought this house, and we have been remodeling it. I am currently in the house. I was in the process of Sort Selling one of my houses when we purchased this house, so this house is in her name and not mine, not even on title. I could tell she wanted to stay at the house, and not have to leave, but I didn't want her to get that leg on me. If she wanted to ruin 6 years of being together, than she can leave, as far as I was concerened. But when it comes to dollars and sence, should I just call her and tell her she can have the house back and she can make all the the mortgage payments, ect. Because I asked her before she left on Saturday, if the shoe was on the other foot would she pay the whole mortgage payment, and she said "Yes". 

So Question, this house costs about $3,500 to $4,000 for everything a month. Should I move into my brothers house and save the money? When should I make actual contact with her to tell her? She owns another house that she is renting, and I know the renters would get out if she asked. I don't want her to set up that kind of arrangement, then I regret not letting her move back in here...

What do I do, I know it's only been a few days and maybe I'm over thinking it... 

Let me know if making no contact is the right thing to do right now.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah man, move out of "HER" house and save the money.
Let her have all that, its hers anyways.
Dont put yourself in the position to be evicted or be paying all that money out and have absolutely nothing to show for it when its all said and done.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I agree too. Save your $


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks for the advise, my question is should I talk to her *tonight *and tell her that maybe she should move in and I'll move out?
I have put over $75K into the house since we bought it in December. She has put over $200K into the house. My problem is the house is not worth what has been put in. Now we didn't get loans out for the extra work being done so there is no second. But Zillow is saying the house is only worth $560,000. Now I know you guys think I'm stupid that we put this much money in the house since we bought it for $460,000. We owe $417,000. And of course we were not (I was not) planning on getting separated so here I am. 

I told here before she told me that I want to know how much she has put into the house, and that's when she told me the $200K. She has receipts and can prove it. Now here's the scenerio. She said she can buy me out easier than I could buy her out. And that may be the case now that I know shes got that much into it.

Question, should I call her tonight to tell her I want to talk to her about the house? Should I just have her buy me out of the house? Are we moving way to fast for the Serperation? Am I crazy to try to hang on? WTF do I do? This is very critical and I could use all the advise I can get. Do I make an attempt to call her?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yes, anything to give you a little clarity and peace of mind about your future and not mess up your credit. I would in a heartbeat tell her to buy me out.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

:iagree:


Let her buy you out...


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks for the advise hesnothappy. I called her and set up a time to meet her tomorrow. I told her that we have some serious decisions that we have to make if we are going to go down this road. She agreed, not sure if that was good or not, but that's what she said. She wants to meet here tomorrow at 5PM because she needs to get some "Feminine" stuff she called it.
Should my first question to her be? I need to hear it from you that you truly want a divorce? 
Then the conversation should run it's course. I'm assuming. I will tell her she can have the house and buy me out.
Does anyone think I'm crazy that these major life changing decisions have to be made only 4 days after she said she wanted to leave? Tell me if that's crazy or moving too fast into the separation?

Is this normal? Maybe she's thought it all out months ago and I'm the one blind sided?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

That first question will strip you of your balance. If she hasn't let you know of a change in her decision, her answer will send you in a downward spiral emotionally. For some reason, it seems like they know what will cut like a knife and they can't wait to get it out of their mouths. I would not give her the ego boost to think that you are still waiting around for her to make a better decision. I would act like the last thing she said to me is the deal and I am going to play the hand given me. All goodbyes aren't gone, you could talk tomorrow and decide things out fairly and leave only for her to later realize that she wants to be with you (I wouldn't depend on it,but could happen) I would put myself in the position of power over ME and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck in whatever you do ;o)


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks for the great advise


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

why not do your homework? ask a real estate broker what the "quick" sales price of your home would be? then ask what retail is. if she wants out so bad try to get your money back based closer to retail. just a thought. also, if you are both on the mortgage make sure she refinances so you are not on it. then it is her house/her debt. sorry you are going through this. be calm.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

She's going to be here in an hour. I'm so nervous and I know the outcome. I need to be strong and not cry but I am feeling weak right now. She told me today that she will take her debit card and change the name at the gym tomorrow so I'm not paying for her membership anymore. I really know what the outcome of the conversation is going to be and I'm am not prepared for the rejection again. Help me quick!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Keep your head up remain cool and get any crying you need to out right now at least try too. While talking with her think of how she has done you and try to use feelings of anger to get you through that part of it. Remember this is a chance to show that you are cool with all this no matter what your feeling inside.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I've never cried so hard just now! I got to get it together. I know the outcome, I'm not ready to accept it yet!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Hey expect the worse and get it all out. I know its hard to accept believe me but you do not need to let her see you like this.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I'm going to hold it together. I'll be strong!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Yes you need to be keep your head up and be strong! DO NOT let her see any emotion over this think of what she has put you through!


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I'll keep thinking that thanks, she'll be here in 5 minutes


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Alright we are pulling for you man. Game face on!


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

dhpool,

How are you doing brother ?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I hope she hasnt hid him under the floor

*STOMPING ON FLOOR*


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

So I'm back, I kinda got what I wanted but I now have to live with my consequences. She will be moving back into the house so she can finish the house. We both felt that that was the right decision. I didn't loose my cool at all. I was calm, thanks to you guys giving me a pep talk before she got here. I really appreciate this board because I don't have anyone I can really express my feeling to. I recorded the whole conversation with my iphone. One of the things she said was, "I don't want to live in a mediocre marriage, and If I have to be single until I find GREAT, or maybe I'll be single the rest of my life, then I'm willing to do that, I hope I didn't just jinx myself" 

Those words cut very deep, right before she said that she said "that we had something great and everyone was jealous of our Marriage, and everybody envy's and still envy's us because we get along so well" WTF

Then she brings up her cousin and how they have been married for 16 years and love each-other more now than ever. So it's almost like everything she wants is something I can't give her, She says were missing something.

She's not willing to go to counseling she done with counselors. 

There is a quick update.

BTW Mediocre??? I know I brought this up before, but I don't know how may other people out there she will be able to find that will be able to take her to all the places I have been able to take her. Costa Rica, Rome, Turkey, Switzerland, Italy , France, Monte Carlo, Spain, Every Island in the Caribbean, Cozumel, Cancun, countless times to Vail, Whistler BC, Aspen, ECT. Apparently I'm one mediocre guy.

I know trips don't make a marriage, but DAMN mediocre????

Long Story short, I will be moving into my brothers house, not really wanting to though. But at least I don't have to pay a $3,000 a month mortgage. She can afford it so I'm not really worried about that. Her pride won't be able to come to me for money. 

What do you guys think. Sorry it took long to write back I've been in deep thought. I really appreciate the support from you guys before she got here. It was a life saver.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

As in the words of Charlie Sheen, you are "WINNING" the pressure relief will allow you to open yourself to other possibilities, a new place for you, exercising, going out, etc. Let her experience real mediocre out there. Men able and willing to show you a good time are few and far between. To rub it in, stay ready for her, always have somewhere to go (even by yourself) and looking good and pleasant...it will eat he insides out LOLOLOL


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> As in the words of Charlie Sheen, you are "WINNING" the pressure relief will allow you to open yourself to other possibilities, a new place for you, exercising, going out, etc. Let her experience real mediocre out there. Men able and willing to show you a good time are few and far between. To rub it in, stay ready for her, always have somewhere to go (even by yourself) and looking good and pleasant...it will eat he insides out LOLOLOL



What do you mean by Stay Ready for her? I do have an extra 3,000 reasons a month to go out. Me and the guys have already got a limo night ready for Friday. Should be fun, still not the same without female companionship.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I mean, always seem mysterious and have her wondering what you are up to. Get sharp on her and let her see you leaving and looking happy on the outside, even though your heart is breaking and you are only going to the movies of someplace. I know what you mean, after 5 years with someone steady and dependable, when my big headed azz H left I felt the winds out of my sails, and the still are not flying right because I have no one to spend time doing what I like doing, and it is hard and lonely.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well congrats man. You held it together. Sounds like you gave her to much so she thinks there just might be better out there but guess what it will be hard for her to find! She will realize that one day. And I agree with HNH just go out smiling wherever you go and dont never let her know what your doing. Be short with her and dont give in.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks for the advise, One part that really sucked is she said if I was asking her now if we are going through a "Separation" or moving forward with a "Divorce" she said "If I was asking right now to make a decision it would be Divorce". So I guess this is where I have to start the acceptance phase, I'm not ready for that. The rejection is killing me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Why is life so cruel???


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I know how you feel man. I would get out of there as quick as possible and implement the 180 with no or as little contact as possible. She said divorce and that is what you need to pursue. Its a hard thing to accept but believe me it will get easier and better just surround yourself with good people and get through it taking one day at a time. 

As I said in another thread "Life just deals the cards We play the hand"


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

GM, hope you are feeling better was you were able to get some sleep. Don't delay getting the legal ball rolling, so that you both won't be held liable for what happens in each other's life. A scary as it seems, life just goes back to what you were before getting with you mate, and chances are that is not bad.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Just an update, I have moved in with my brother and his family. Really sad, and she has moved into the house. I get to save money I guess that's the only positive. I will continue my "Mediocre" life! 

My wife just purchased a 70K truck today. This is typical of her to passify herself with something new when she is going through a hard time. She wants to deflect her feeling into something new.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Congrats man this is the first step to your new beginning. Keep your head up one day she will have to look back on this also and the good part your going to be way ahead of the curb. Everything new eventually looses its shine!


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks for the Possitive words, I'm really not excited to be here, I am at least welcome with open arms. That's the only thing nice. It's hard to just LET GO! I want her to just turn her switch back on and have me come back. I still need to go back for the rest of my furniture. Maybe this weekend. I cried so badly this morning, I am so weak! But I will never let her know.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Man I know it sucks but you will be better off in the long run. I definately know its hard to let go that is my biggest problem but we cant hold onto something that dont want to be held. You got people on your side and that is the big thing. I think we all want them to turn the switch back on but unfortunately we have no control on that all we can do is work on ourselves and focus on our future without them. Just try and get your furniture when she is not there if possible. Crying is something that will probably happen for a little while but like you said DO NOT let her see it at all.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Get a statement notarized that you assume no liability for that truck, make it retrospective from when you first spearated.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

She didn't put it in my name, and did it all on her credit, I hope that can't come back on me???? Can It??


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

BTW when should I expect her to either delete me as a friend from FB or change her status from Married to me? Any clue?


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Have you found out who her posom is yet. He's there you just haven't looked.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I was told as long as it happened (bought truck) while married and if anything happens to her financially they can come back on you to retrieve the money owed...especially taxes. I had my H sign a notarized statement that cleared each other financially till the D is final.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Lots of issues with your wife - she seems to be a high maintenance, entitled, daddies girl. I wont say she does not appreciates what she has, it is more like what she has cannot ever match what she thinks she is entitled to.
> 
> It is possible that she wants a daddy not a husband. Someone to give her unconditional love, tell her what a perfect girl she is and to make everything alright as if by magic.
> 
> ...


:iagree: She probably hasn't come to terms with her father's death, too. My H's mother died last year, and he still has some issue with her death as well.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I don't know if she has a "Possum" yet. She never had any signs of having one. It would make sense if there was, but I would be even more devastated. I keep hoping that there is not, but it always in the back of my mind, and starting to come more forward in my mind rather than the 'Back"

She text-ed me this morning to tell me she found a scorpion in the shower. Why is she trying to make small talk with me?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

dhpoolman said:


> BTW when should I expect her to either delete me as a friend from FB or change her status from Married to me? Any clue?


Go ahead and delete her and change your status to separated. First strike


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

dhpoolman said:


> I don't know if she has a "Possum" yet. She never had any signs of having one. It would make sense if there was, but I would be even more devastated. I keep hoping that there is not, but it always in the back of my mind, and starting to come more forward in my mind rather than the 'Back"
> 
> She text-ed me this morning to tell me she found a scorpion in the shower. Why is she trying to make small talk with me?


When she txts trying to make small talk dont even txt her back. I know its hard but dont.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I can tell you that only you can make you happy. Only she can make herself happy. Right now she is thinking that material things make her happy. All they are going to make her is empty. I suggest you make a firm commitment to yourself to go and work out every day, take the time to do things that make you happy (e.g. Fishing, Reading, Bike Riding, etc.). These activities will help ground you and make you feel better. 
Obviously your wife is a person who has always been spoiled. I expect her daddy looked after her in everything, and I expect that her daddy's company will also be gone in a few years. It sounds like she is overspending to compensate for her own unhappiness. I know you said she will not go to marriage counseling but it sounds to me like she needs therapy. 

That being said, you need to hang tough and be the man. No crying, no begging, just be calm, cool and collected when you talk with her. If you want to push her buttons tell her what a great workout you just had at the gym. Don't go out and make any rash purchases yourself, just take the time to work on your spiritual side and up your mental game. If you need to talk to a therapist there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Just remember you have friends and people that care about you, and that even though you love her and want to be with her that there are plenty of other women out there if this does not work out, and that you are worthy of their attention.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I am so sad now, I just finished moving all of my stuff out of the house. 
Within the last 4 hours, she has now changed or deleted her "relationship" status on FB. Not "Separated" but took it off completely.

I have now hit a new bottom, she doesn't want to reconcile. I am in a world of hurt and pain!....


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

dhpoolman said:


> I am so sad now, I just finished moving all of my stuff out of the house.
> Within the last 4 hours, she has now changed or deleted her "relationship" status on FB. Not "Separated" but took it off completely.
> 
> I have now hit a new bottom, she doesn't want to reconcile. I am in a world of hurt and pain!....



sorry to hear about that...but now you can start the healing process..my wife didn't want to reconcile either...and yes it does hurt ..still does and probably will for awhile, but I am getting used to it more and more each day....You will too..
Keep your head up it will all be ok...I know its cliche' but it will be ok..


Hang in there


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks, I'm just so tore up inside! This is even worse that when she told me that she wanted a Divorce. It seems so real now, before I always had hope that we could work through it. But if she deleted her relationship status, I'm sure she is done with me. 
I am in deep depression, I have to get to the acceptance point, but I would do anything to make the pain go away!


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I am so glad this site is here too thank you all for your support.
The wonder if my STBXW is with someone is even more gut wrenching. I know some of you would wish they were in my situation since they know their other is already with someone.
My curiosity is now over whelming me, since yesterday she deleted her relationship status off her fb wall. As I was moving my stuff out of the house. I am at a new low, and have only slept 6 hours the past 2 days. Sometimes the little things seem so cruel. I've been crying for hours now.
It's actually harder to be here at my brothers house since I have to hold back my emotions and I can't cry.
I just miss her so much!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

dhpoolman said:


> I am so glad this site is here too thank you all for your support.
> The wonder if my STBXW is with someone is even more gut wrenching. I know some of you would wish they were in my situation since they know their other is already with someone.
> My curiosity is now over whelming me, since yesterday she deleted her relationship status off her fb wall. As I was moving my stuff out of the house. I am at a new low, and have only slept 6 hours the past 2 days. Sometimes the little things seem so cruel. I've been crying for hours now.
> It's actually harder to be here at my brothers house since I have to hold back my emotions and I can't cry.
> I just miss her so much!


She said your marriage was mediocre. Want a chance at getting her back - make your single life spectacular. If she's bored, seeing you fall apart isn't her thinking, ' oooo I want that back', but if you're out there living the life, looking your best ever- then you might pique her interest again.
Sorry you're going through this - it really sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

Why was my STBXW texting me when she was at the Football game today. She was just texting small talk about nonsence. I know she was drinking, she went with a Girl Friend.

This is the same STBXW that just deleted her "Relationship Status" Last night.????


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Control, she knows she got you by the proverbal balls, and is testing the waters to make sure. I know it hurts to the bone, but time is running out for you to show her you are serious about getting on with life with her or withour her. Soon, she will cast out any definace by you to her mistreatment of you. Take steps to work your way bak to having control of your life. She hasn't change (you either) the same things that drove yo crazy before will again given the chance. You have to trust something you can't see nor feel to get you through this hurt.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Yes she is playing with your mind. Turn it around on her if she is texting small talk dont answer it back. I know its hard but do not give her the satisfaction. Anytime you feel like letting the emotions go let them go dont worry if anyone is around. This is one of the worst things you will go through in life so be strong you can make it through this. Just go do things you like and make the best life you can and show her you are fine without her.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This is like emotional combat. Use the tactics you are being given here. Its more important than you may think. Go dark.....no texting small talk with her. Appear happy regardless! When you do have to talk to her be all business. It will screw up her game plan. Trust us!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I have to go with the consensus here, go dark on any small talk, only reply or initiate contact if it's business. After a few days or a week of dark, she may stop trying with the small talk. This will hurt too, because then you'll wonder if she even thinks about you. And when you do contact her about business, be prepared for her to start with the small talk again, go dark again immediately. She may then turn to insults or pity plays. This will kill you to ignore, just remember she's a big girl and capable (and deserving) of dealing with the same feelings that you are in all of this. I'm going through that right now...but I know going dark has done a lot of good for me, at least in terms of knowing I'm more in control of the situation than she is...small prize you may think, but it's better than feeling kicked to the curb, her knowing how 100% devastated you are, AND losing more respect in her eyes (and more importantly, yours) for showing a lack of basic strength and dignity.

Cry when you need to, try to keep it to yourself or your closest friends/therapist if possible. It's all good. And when you do see her next and you show her no negative emotion, just upbeat and calm demeanor that things are "fine", you very well may walk away feeling horrible. Especially if she puts on the same show as you. Remember, anything you're feeling, so is she, at least to some degree. you're not trying to make her "feel bad", you're trying to demonstrate to yourself and her that you will be fine on your own. whether or not she acknowledges this, she will see it. (well, at least that's what I'm banking on...)

As for FB, I say who gives a crap. The night I left a couple weeks ago, I was defriended by my STBXW, also defriended were my family and some of my friends. Two friends that I know of are still awaiting the chopping block. She kept her status as married for a few days and then it went to nothing. As for me, I'm off the grid, I deactivated my account (temporarily) and will reinstate in the near future. No need to have my page up when the condolences start trickling in. Also no need to have a public forum where she or her friends could mess with my head. They wanna do that, call me. Perhaps you could consider doing the same...Hang in there man, it sucks for all parties involved...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I just got word from a mutual friend that this is over. She told them she wants a divorce. He talked to her for over an hour, There were no pictures of us up in the house. How can 6 years go so dark?? 

I'm so trying to keep it together but I'm dying inside. 

No emotion when he told her I am hurting so badly. I didn't tell him to say that. Couldn't control what he said, I wasn't there. She must be completely over me. I have to accept this, but it's hurts too bad to let go! even though she has already done so. Apparently she put a picture up of her father where we were supposed to put a TV, above the fireplace. I guess I know where I stand. #2 do her father who passed 3 years ago. Or maybe I'm over analyzing it.

For her to get to that picture that she had to put up, she had to sift through pictures of our wedding. The house is under remodel so they were all together. But the pictures of us at our wedding were not there when he was there. Those Pictures of our wedding were canvas pictures that were huge and they had to have been moved somewhere. Apparently she's trying to get over me, and can't get over her fathers death if that is where his picture is above the fireplace. 

How can I move on???

I can't blame her for for loving her father. I just am so pissed that I had to deal with her fathers death and the next guy gets a clean slate.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I have a great support system here, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. This forum is my life saver. 

It's so hard to not cry in front of them.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

DH just let it out man dont hold it in. Ive been in a funk since yesterday you got to get it out though.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I lost it in front of my brother this morning, he came up to me and told me he was so sorry. Then he started crying for me and my pain. He doesn't want to see his twin brother going through this pain. I'm glad I have someone so close

My twin brother has always been an issue with my STBXW, she always though I put him first. Unfortunately nobody can break the bond of identical twins.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thats alright man we all have to let it go sometimes. Now at least you got someone else you know you can really share with also. And your right some bonds cant be broken!


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I had a great conversation with my X Girlfriend who we have a daughter together. She is happily married and has a great life with her husband, and my daughter. I know she loves me and it breaks her heart to see me going through this. She has always had the right things to say, and she told me this quote:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt

Really think about that!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thats a nice quote and that is good that you have her to talk too.


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

So had to go to the house to pick up the dogs because STBXW was doing a girls trip up north for her friends 40th BDay. She said there was still stuff of mine in the house. I told her I would get it when I was there
She had all my stuff packed up by the door for me. How sweet of her. Why is she so "Hurry the F Up and get out"? She didn't really say that but dam!
Then she text me what camping gear I took, and I told her a couple chairs, my sleeping bag, and a griddle. She text me back that I took "HER" griddle. WTF I just put a $8,000 BBQ Built in in the house 4 weeks ago. Why is she being so cold?? And Petty?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

dhpoolman said:


> So had to go to the house to pick up the dogs because STBXW was doing a girls trip up north for her friends 40th BDay. She said there was still stuff of mine in the house. I told her I would get it when I was there
> She had all my stuff packed up by the door for me. How sweet of her. Why is she so "Hurry the F Up and get out"? She didn't really say that but dam!
> Then she text me what camping gear I took, and I told her a couple chairs, my sleeping bag, and a griddle. She text me back that I took "HER" griddle. WTF I just put a $8,000 BBQ Built in in the house 4 weeks ago. Why is she being so cold?? And Petty?


Thats what they do for some reason. Anything to get a jab in at you.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I think it is control. They still want to feel as though they have the control in the relationship because they made the decision. When the leaver does or takes something from the leavee they never get called out on it, for not wanting to upset them. Tell her to buy another grill and forgetaboutt ;o)


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

So haven't posted for a couple weeks. Just not doing well at all today. She has filed for divorce, and she has admitted to going out on dates and it's only been barely a month since she told me she wanted a divorce. I blocked her on fb yesterday because all my friends can see I've been beating myself up over the past month. She is constantly posting new pics, changing her profile pic 3 times in a week. 

On top of it all in 2 hours, 4 years ago we walked down the aisle together. Today is our anniversary. I sent her a nice email last night, but I got no response. I had to do it anyway for my celebration of the happiest day of my life.

What a day!!!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear your having a tough time. Its crazy how some people are willing to throw everything away. I would have blocked her along time ago on FB no need in me seeing her or her seeing me. Just keep your head up and know it will get better. We will continue to go through ups and downs just have to wade through it.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Keep your head up, brother. There are lots of us on this journey. There is light up ahead and no, it's not a train coming to run you down. I know the anniversary is rough, but you will make it through it and brighter days are coming. Just hang in there.


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