# I'm so confused, what am I doing?!?



## LostAndConfused07 (Aug 11, 2011)

Okay so we have been friends for a very long time now going on 7 years.... I know that I'm not "in" love with him but I love him like family. We always joked about being together even if we were off and married with kids, and this obviously being said before I got married and he had kids. But we have always been there for each other, even if we've had our times where we go months without talking. So carrying on. The last 6 months of my marriage have been pretty rocky. I found out my husband lied to me about talking to a girl behind my back saying she was a"guy" from work. Come to find out they had been talking for just a couple weeks when they had sent over 900 text messages to each other!! He only sent me about 400 that ENTIRE month! So I confronted him for the 3rd time and he finally told me the truth. Well right around the time that happened about Jan. '10 I started hanging out with my "friend". We always have been able to talk forever even if we hadn't talked in months and pick it up right where we left off. He makes me feel like a better person when honestly we don't really talk that much. But when we do it's so nice to have that person that I can joke with, be myself, knows my better and my not so great qualities, yet still lets me be me without trying to change a thing... I know it sounds like I should be talking about my husband, wrong. He makes me feel like I can't do anything, I can't be me or thats wrong, like I'm just a complete heartless *****. Maybe it's just cause we're married.... Honestly I don't know anymore. Well he just went out of town for 2 weeks and while I was at work my "friend" called, just the day after he left. Well I called him back just to see what was up and what he needed. He said he was just trying to get a hold of my hubby and then we started talking for a good 20 minutes. Well we figured we needed to hang out since my husband is so insecure and not trustworthy with me and him talking because yes we have a past physical history. When I first got married I vowed to never cheat on my husband, and at that point the thought NEVER crossed my minds I couldn't even have dreams with "faceless" people in it doing anything sexual unless it was my husband in my dream. But honestly ever since this whole lying incident I don't know what to believe with him anymore. But its not just that he lied it's that after that we decided lets try an "open relationship" which basically means sex with other people with boundaries and rules apply. Well he sets up his little date with her for the day after we talked about it. He goes has sex with her and comes home, I was 100% okay with it. Well when I went to call and set up my "date" so to speak, he freaks out and says that I can't do it and he can't and wont let me. How screwed up is that!?!?!?! I don't get how he could do that to me.... If he had such a hard time with it why did he go through with it, he knew what the plan was.. And yet he waits until he gets what he wants and then totally screws me over.... UGH! It's high school drama all over again! So I decide well if he wont let me do it with his knowledge then I will do it without his consent. So it took a few months and I finally met up with my "friend" and we sat and talked for a couple hours and it was just like old times all over again =) It was so nice to sit there and just talk about anything and everything that was on our minds. And he always sits there and tells me you are my best friend, and I know that. I have a hard time believing it sometimes because he has alot of closer friends. But when he explains it makes total sense. I've never screwed him over, we've never fought, I've always been there when he needed me and he has done the same for me. So he also has been one of my best friends. Well that night I finally got up the courage to go through with it and he never once pressured me to do anything, and that makes me feel so much better and I respect the fact that he respects me so much. Well once we finally started to do things he was so gentle and passionate it was crazy. I'm not used to that... The weirdest thing is that even though we had done it like a million times in the past, not really a million but A LOT, it seemed like the first time... The word he used to describe it was exhilarating =D That was the perfect choice of words. It was so intense and even though I know it didn't last a long time it sure felt like it, and thats not a bad thing lol. When we were done we had to hurry and I had to get home so did he which made me feel kinda strange and somewhat used and confused but I knew why and I already knew that if we were going to do this thats how it would have to be.. I guess its just a woman thing to do, worry, and I do that a lot. So I tried to get in contact with him the next couple nights after that and he was busy between work and the home life and I knew better then to feel like an idiot but I still did. Not for the reason you would think, cheating, but for feeling like maybe I went and did this just so he could get one last feel I guess. I knew better than that because he is such a better person then I was making him out to be in my head. Well anyways, so Last night he calls and says they are drinking at his house and I figure why not? So I went over there. Well I showed up right at the same time his cousin showed up.. That was a stupid move because he took off with his cousin. Well I sat around because I really wanted to hangout. So I sipped a few beers and waited. Well I finally realized I was pretty drunk so I walked to the store to get some water and something to munch on. Hoping that when I got back he would be home so that I could just chill with him for a while. Well I walk back and his cousins car was back, so I go inside couldn't find him anywhere. I asked around and his friend says well he's in his room you can go in there. I figure okay, well I open the door and hes laying there in his boxers lol. Poor guy was hammered. Well I told him I was gonna just go ahead and head out, he goes no just sit here its alright. So I sat there offered him some of the cold water I had just bought cause I felt bad for him lol. Well finally he was a little more coherent and we started talking. Apparently everyone else had left and we were the only ones there... It was strange because there is always a bunch of people in that house everyday. So we talked for about 2 1/2 hours and we were just talking about old times, fun times, our problems, how we feel about things. It was really nice. Well with us its funny because everytime it starts to get quiet we know exactly what we're both thinking about so we kinda just laugh and then I asked him what he wanted to do. Well we ended up having sex and it was so good! OMG. He started off so gentle and then he flat out got into it, I think my vocalization helped a little bit but it was impossible not to be loud! Talk about fireworks whew! Now I remember why we did it SO much lol. We've always felt so amazing to each other. And my husband will always be the best I ever had but he is a close 2nd. Thats so horrible I know. But in all honesty, me and him are so close and have been for a long time that I don't feel guilty doing what I'm doing... I really don't. I worry because I feel like I should have more worry then I do about it lol. I mean I've been here before, both being the cheatee and the cheater. But not like this. And its so exhilarating! Not that I'm cheating but just how amazing it is when we are together. I can't quite find the words to describe so I've stole his lol. EXHILARATING!!! So... after its done I told him I was just gonna head out and he said, no you can stay it's not a big deal and so I stayed. And we slept in the same bed, which we haven't done in like 4 years lol. And yet again even though we had just done it three days earlier it felt like the first time just more comfortable. After he told me that if ever I feel uncomfortable or I don't want to do this anymore just to let him know. And I respect him so much for that. I really do forget how much I miss hanging out with him and it's not about the sex. Just sitting around and talking makes my day. Boy do I miss the old days. It's funny because we both cheat on our other halves and yet both of us feel as if it were anyone but each other we couldn't go through with it. And if it were anyone else that it wouldn't be worth it. So true....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's interesting to me that you demonize your husband for the open relationship arrangement you have and yet you went behind his back and f-cked his friend. The same friend who left you hanging at his house while he left you alone there & went out, got hammered and was so drunk on bed later (of which you didn't even know) and yet you still slept with him? And he has a significant other, too? Girl, you need to get some self-respect. Cause it sounds like you don't have much. 

So now what? 

Either get a divorce or work on your marriage.


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## LostAndConfused07 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you for being so blunt and honest. Thats exactly why I posted, I need responses like your to help me. Yea it stung a little but you make a valid point. But for one he is only friends with my hubby because I was friends with him first and he felt bad cause the guy has no friends. My hubby is in a social bubble, he doesn't get close to anyone but women. We have known each other for almost 9 years, my husband and I, and we had a previous relationship where he ended it left me for her and had 2 children. Of which I have found out I have fertility problems and there's a huge story behind this but straight to the point: I was young and right after he left me I found out I was pregnant, well I didn't want to burden him because he had just found out his new gf was also pregnant. But I knew he had to know so I told him, he advised me to get an abortion because I was too far away and that would be to hard for him. Well I ended up miscarrying most likely due to stress, but it still hurts to this day. I think its one of the main reason why I'm so distant with him, or why I hold such a grudge with him. I do love my husband I just don't know if I'm as in love with him as I used to be. Sorry for the long response but you triggered a thought and I figured why not let it out. Again thanks for your reply


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