# Now that he has no one…. I’m what’s left-LONG



## emorysmith80 (Sep 6, 2016)

I’ve been with my husband for 23 yrs (married 20 of them). We have 2 adult children & 1 grandchild.

From day 1, my husband has been a “wild child”. He has a verrrrry outgoing personality & NEVER meets a stranger. He has a countless number of friends f/childhood to now and loves to be in the mix…clubbing, partying, drinking, out-n-about, etc.

My personality is the exact opposite in that I keep my circle tight, rarely go to clubs & have always focused on our children (daughters) versus building a mass number of friends/social life. Over the years, I’ve battled with trying to “fit” into his lifestyle. Since he has sooooo many friends, he was always getting invited to events (Bday parties, sporting events, golf outings, dinners, house parties, bbq’s, the club, men-only-trips, etc) sometimes I was invited to come along, sometimes not. Most often, I would decline anyway b/c I’m just not a big partier. 
Where we ran into problems was, I never felt like he put me before “anything”. “Anything” being family, friends, mother, jobs, drinking, smoking weed, partying, etc. I always felt like I came second to any and all. Many, many times I contemplated leaving him, but he was never abusive, always a great provider and was the one stable force in my life. He put very few exceptions on me which made my life/marriage somewhat easier.

It took many yrs, but after a lot of self-evaluation and counseling for RAD, I finally reached a point of peace within myself. I stopped taking things so personal and started focusing more on me and my own happinesss. I stopped harassing & begging for his attention, stopped trying to manipulate situations so that he want stay at home, stopped trying to tie him down & nagging him. I just let him be him, I stopped trying to change him… I guess you can say I came to except him for who he is, his bigger-than-life personality & the need to always be in the mix. It wasn’t easy but it was something I had to do for my own peace of mind, looking back, I hate I wasted so much of my time & effort trying to change him and less time making me happy, but that’s water under the bridge. I started going out more with the few girlfriends I have, developed healthy hobbies, poured extra love & attention into our grandchild, etc. 

He was confused by the changes in me but at the same time so much happier and felt less constricted.

Fast forward to now, my husband lost his mother to short but painful battle with cancer. She was diagnosed November 2015 & passed away 6 wks later. Very unexpected and very shocking to the entire family.
Now, my husband has become super clingy towards me! Wanting me to spend every free minute I have with him, he has completely cut off all of his friends, ignoring their calls, invites and is so in-love with me he can hardly stand it. Texting me loving & caring msgs that are full of love & kindness. 

This is very difficult/confusing for me as I fought many yrs for this type of attention from him. When I finally excepted that I may never have that part of him-BOOM-he flipped the script on me. 
About 2 weeks ago, we went to a bbq, he got a little tipsy and made the comment that his mother was his best friend (no secret, I’ve known that from day 1) and now that she is gone, he has no one left except for me & our children/grandchild.

I have a little resentment in that it took this situation for my husband to finally put me 1st and to finally show me the love, priority and attention that I have deserved. I want to say something to him about it but then again this is what I prayed for so many yrs! I don’t know if I should just sit back and enjoy this “new” husband I have or what??? 

Bottom line is, I feel like now that he has no one else…. I’m what’s left.

Thoughts?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Losing a close loved-one makes you evaluate how you feel toward your other loved-ones. He reflected on this loss and realizes he loves you and he's been wasting time that he could have been spending with you. He's accepting that we're all mortal and are going to die someday and he doesn't want to waste any more time not being close with you.

A lot of people go the exact opposite direction and realize they don't really love their spouses.

What has happened in your case is a blessing. The death of his mother has awakened him, made him realize what's important, and to him that's you.

You're not all he has left. He still has his friends but now that he's awake he's prioritizing you over other them. You said he's blowing them off. He doesn't want to waste any more time that he could be spending with you.

I recommend you don't squander that.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

What makes you think that your situation is unique? The relationship dynamic constantly shift in every marriage. You have kids and then they move away. You outgrow friends. Parents die. Each events changes the relationship IN EVERY MARRIAGE.

You married a little mama's boy with lots of friends. Congratulations, now he's your husband. What's the problem?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You understand he is not doing any of this for you, though, right? As usual, it is still all about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I don't really see what the problem is. Losing his mother made him realize that he took you for granted. Enjoy your time with him, however keep doing the things that you enjoy with your friends. He'll gradually get back to his friends, most likely.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

IDK, the death of his mom (especially under the circumstances) shook him up enough that maybe the light bulb finally came on to appreciate what is most important in his life. Why shake that?

I wouldn't say anything, enjoy it Instead though, I would see if his new behavior wears off once the passing of his mom becomes more "old" news. If that happens, then I think it would be worth talking to him about


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"and now that she is gone, he has no one left except for me & our children/grandchild."

He really said that with a straight face? The best candy is gone and all that's left are these crappy little candy corns. Well, boo-hoo! He's lucky you're still there.

He certainly knows how to make a girl feel special. Yeah, I'd keep on with my own life.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Unless he spent a huge amount of time with his mom and really cared for her, he really is just looking for his mom replacement. He needs to have someone in the world who loves him to no end. To my thinking, he will woo you, get your emotions on high, and then put you on the shelf where his mom used to sit. From there, he will go back to his partying.

Just my prediction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> You understand he is not doing any of this for you, though, right? As usual, it is still all about him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That escalated quickly.

Emory, I think you should be thankful it is happening at all. You can be there all the while encouraging him to get back out there. He lost his rock and it looks like he is looking for a new one. Yeah, you shouldn't have been second place to even his mom. Now the relationship dynamic is changing. I think you now have some power to mould into something fitting for you both.

PS Ignore bitter posters trying to make your relationship even worse. If you start keeping scores like "Oh, you weren't there for me" when does it end? Yeah he was wrong but try to make the relationship better better.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Emory, I think you should be thankful it is happening at all."

This. This. This is just leaving such a bad taste in my mouth.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Of course it is. Bitterness is...well, bitter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I don't really see what the problem is. Losing his mother made him realize that he took you for granted.


I disagree. He has spent his whole life - thanks to your cooperation - making HIMSELF happy. Now that his BFF is gone, you're the next best thing he has to fill that role. 

If you were to leave, all he would feel is resentment that he has nobody to replace his mother.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EunuchMonk said:


> That escalated quickly.
> 
> Emory, I think you should be thankful it is happening at all. You can be there all the while encouraging him to get back out there. He lost his rock and it looks like he is looking for a new one. Yeah, you shouldn't have been second place to even his mom. Now the relationship dynamic is changing. I think you now have some power to mold into something fitting for you both.
> 
> PS Ignore bitter posters trying to make your relationship even worse. If you start keeping scores like "Oh, you weren't there for me" when does it end? Yeah he was wrong but try to make the relationship better better.


I'm not bitter. I'm trying to help OP keep an open mind and not let her emotions sway her and get her hopes up. He's shown NO inclination to have any desire or need for you, other than to fill a hole in his life.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

turnera said:


> I'm not bitter. I'm trying to help OP keep an open mind and not let her emotions sway her and get her hopes up. He's shown NO inclination to have any desire or need for you, other than to fill a hole in his life.


How many times on TAM has a leopard really changed their spots. Partier gives up all his fun and friends and goes to a simpler life with his non-partier wife? I give it 6 weeks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Emory, like I said, don't give up the new found social life. Just use the opportunity now to maybe get a balance. Encourage him to get with his friends but even it out with spending time with you. Maybe he will see how you were hurt by the neglect.

I don't see "Get away from me, you selfish bastard. You ignored me for so long now I'm returning the favour" helping the relationship one lick unless terminating the marriage is what you're after and I didn't get that impression that that is what you are after. A good heart to heart now is worth a shot. It can't hurt. Do not go the vindictive route. Think about it. What will that accomplish?

Do you think he will say, "Yes, honey, return the favour with yo' bad self." No, it's probably going to create a bigger rift. I think speaking life into the relationship will work better. Express how you were hurt by those years. See if he listens. His change might be short lived, yes, but again it will make your marriage no worse than it is now. I am almost sure the other approach will make it just a little worse.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I agree with those who are cautious... I think this is fleeting more than revelation.

Nothing wrong with enjoying the moment... but considering the history, I am not sure investing your mindfulness in a "maybe" life-changing outcome is something one would go deeply into.

Desire for what you were seeking has been peacefully accepted within you and you had come to terms with self... a critical turning point in your happiness. Stay with that... you know how I feel about the impact of desire by my account name, you have learned that the changing around you should not impact the changing you found within you, so let those words he shared be met with compassion and understanding of his loss knowing that he is still emotional and fluctuating from the loss and time will tell.

Pace yourself... sometimes up to the ankles in a creek are deep enough, yet satisfying enough to relax in the journey.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Not trying to be cold, but it sounds like his mother was an enabler. He was partying and getting high for a lot of the marriage? And his mom probably never told him to shape up, and become a more responsible husband and father. You're not wrong for wanting that. She was his enabler. And now he will be looking for you to do that. Maybe you should ask him to go to marriage counseling, I think it could help you both. He might be clueless because his mother enabled him (just the impression I get) Hope things get better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time did he spend with his mother in the last 5 to 10 years before she died? How often did he call her to talk to her?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> Of course it is. Bitterness is...well, bitter.


LOL. How is Blondilocks's answer 'bitter' just because she called it for what it *IS*?

Party boy has spent his entire married LIFE living a bohemian lifestyle while his WIFE did all the heavy lifting raising their kids, running their household, and constantly attending to everyone's needs day after day after day for years. 

The OP has stated that she spent her entire marriage begging this guy to give her *some* of his time and *some* of his attention but there was always another party to go to and always another friend to go play with and always another get-together to be had and always another joint to be smoked, so she was back-burnered again and again and again.

And now, because his mother died, she's suddenly supposed to be GRATEFUL that he's turned into a Stage 4 Clinger after 20 years of acting as though she was nothing more than the household help and nanny? 

Alrighty, then.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EunuchMonk said:


> Emory, like I said, don't give up the new found social life. Just use the opportunity now to maybe get a balance. Encourage him to get with his friends but even it out with spending time with you. Maybe he will see how you were hurt by the neglect.
> 
> I don't see "Get away from me, you selfish bastard. You ignored me for so long now I'm returning the favour" helping the relationship one lick unless terminating the marriage is what you're after and I didn't get that impression that that is what you are after. A good heart to heart now is worth a shot. It can't hurt. Do not go the vindictive route. Think about it. What will that accomplish?


Nobody told her to turn into a shrew. We just said don't trust this to be real or permanent. Big difference.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera said:


> Nobody told her to turn into a shrew. We just said don't trust this to be real or permanent. Big difference.


Yes, actually they did. Telling her how "Oh, now he's turning to you. well, tough for him" is telling her to turn into a shrew. No difference. Why not tell her to focus on making the marriage better.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. How is Blondilocks's answer 'bitter' just because she called it for what it *IS*?
> 
> Party boy has spent his entire married LIFE living a bohemian lifestyle while his WIFE did all the heavy lifting raising their kids, running their household, and constantly attending to everyone's needs day after day after day for years.
> 
> ...


I was telling her to use this time to make him understand what she felt all those years. Now that she has his attention this would be the opportune time. Sorry, I was under the impression this was a site dedicated to mending marriages not driving a wedge in it.

"Party boy" nice nickname for her husband. I'll take double bitterness with cheese please.

Alrighty then.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Emory let me guess how you really feel, like the consolation prize....and while you should be happy, your not.


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## emorysmith80 (Sep 6, 2016)

To address a few of the questions that has been asked.
-My MIL was not only an enabler but she was a participant. SHE was a product of generational drugs/alcohol abuse and passed that down to her children and grandchildren.

-About 15 years ago my husband realized that is mother was an enabler and collectively, we made the decision to move to another state. About 7 years later, after his father passed, she moved to the same state we live in. Same apartment complex to be exact!

-My husband seen & talked to his mother on a weekly basis AND took care of her the entire 6 weeks that she was in in-home hospice.

If history repeats its self, he will most likely fall back into his old ways. The difference this time is that I am much stronger (both mentally & emotionally); I don’t have 2 children depending on me for their every need and I’m at a point in my life where I absolutely do not have the energy (or desire) to fight for……..

I do want to say this about my husband; he is a good person with a VERY giving and kind spirit. It’s no surprised that people are attracted to him as he really is a joy to be around. He’s not a bad person, he’s just has a flamboyant personality that cannot be restrained.


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## emorysmith80 (Sep 6, 2016)

Bingo


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## emorysmith80 (Sep 6, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Emory let me guess how you really feel, like the consolation prize....and while you should be happy, your not.


Bingo


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## emorysmith80 (Sep 6, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How much time did he spend with his mother in the last 5 to 10 years before she died? How often did he call her to talk to her?


My husband seen & talked to his mother on a weekly basis AND took care of her the entire 6 weeks that she was in in-home hospice.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Have you told him that you can't invest too much into him because you fear he will go back to his old ways now that he is all lovey-dovey? If so what did he say?


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## emorysmith80 (Sep 6, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> Have you told him that you can't invest too much into him because you fear he will go back to his old ways now that he is all lovey-dovey? If so what did he say?


I have not. Some days I want to and other days not so much. At this point, his actions speak louder than his words so it makes more sense for me to lean on the caution side and watch how this plays out.


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