# I think my husband is depressed



## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

We have been married over 30 yrs and he has suffered from depression several times.
He retired just over 2 yrs ago. We started fighting right away. He was on Lexapro and drinking every night. We went to a counselor for several months. I thought it helped. He quit drinking but also quit the meds.
Our daughter got sick about four months ago and I sort of moved in with her to help her out so she wouldn't lose her job. She needs surgery but is taking supplements to get her blood K level up. The surgeon won't operate until then.
I know he misses me and I haven't been going home much because it's a 5 hour trip.
He doesn't seem interested in doing anything but basic housekeeping. He says he thinks I could be gone for years.
Lately he has been very mean to me when I call. Acts like I'm bothering him if I call twice in a week.
We had a fight the last time he came here to visit. Two weeks ago I went home to cheer him up. I think it helped. Now he's saying he's unhappy with the relationship. When I suggested the counselor again, he said all he did was agree with me so he just learned not to complain but now he has to let it out. He hates taking the medicine. Most times diet and exercise help, but he isn't walking like usual.
Is it the depression talking? What should I say/do?


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## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

I'm sure the anger and depression has nothing to do with the fact that you don't live there. Quoting you, "...and I sort of moved in with her..." implies you moved out. Guys who battle depression see this action, no matter how pure the motives, as an act of war so to speak. That you let something as simple as five hours stay between you and your husband of 30+ years is going to tell him that he's just not that important to you. The only way he can tell you this a lot of times is through frustrations and arguments on the phone. As a father, I understand your motives and recognize them as pure. As a member of the male population, if this post were written about me, it's how I would feel.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks, chuckles. I thought he might be feeling abandoned.
I guess a five hour drive isn't so bad.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Zora said:


> We have been married over 30 yrs and he has suffered from depression several times.
> He retired just over 2 yrs ago. We started fighting right away. He was on Lexapro and drinking every night. We went to a counselor for several months. I thought it helped. He quit drinking but also quit the meds.
> Our daughter got sick about four months ago and I sort of moved in with her to help her out so she wouldn't lose her job. She needs surgery but is taking supplements to get her blood K level up. The surgeon won't operate until then.
> I know he misses me and I haven't been going home much because it's a 5 hour trip.
> ...


Sounds like a self loather to me. That's a difficult one. I'm not sure if there is an easy solution to this one. Frankly saying... just leave him doesn't cut it when you all have 30+years behind you and grown children. The problem he's experiencing now seems to me like he has gotten used to being alone, and it's difficult for him to readjust to you being there. I know it's hard to allow a relationship to sink in one direction while trying to uphold another. Does your daughter have anyone else to help her?


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

After all these years, I know there is no easy solution.
I am committed to this relationship.
Two years ago I was leaving because he was so mad at me. It was me he loathed. After couples therapy I decided to do everything I could to make things work before giving up the ship.
He gave up drinking because he said he thought it would help our relationship. It has. He's trying, too.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Has anyone here had any experience with Recovery International?
My husband is checking into it. He says he isn't ready to tell me about it yet.
I'm feeling hopeful. I hope it isn't premature.
Thanks for your help.
-Zora


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Zora said:


> Has anyone here had any experience with Recovery International?
> My husband is checking into it.


Zora-
I have not heard of this. What kind of institution is it? If he's checked himself in, then this is a progressive move. Give him time, he's obviously been going through something that you have yet to understand. So be patient, and loving and most of all supportive. Avoid suffocating him just for your own benefit and understanding. Take care of you, and yours.

-Mandia


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Mandia,
Sorry about that, I meant to say he is gathering information about Recovery International. He's making phone calls and sending email.
That is probably good advice you gave regarding suffocating him. He hates it when I quiz him about things. 
According to Wikipedia, Recovery International is a self-help organization for people struggling with mental illness.
I am hoping to hear about any experiences people on this forum have had with this type of therapy.
Thanks
-Zora


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

(way long, sorry, and probably stuff you know)

Retirement, voluntary or not, is very tough on a lot of guys, if the statistics I've read over the years are right, death rates go up noticeably and depression, boredom and alcohol intake rates also increase.

More stuff you know - Many guys don't have friends to fall back on, money can be tight, entertainment options during the day limited. 

As a result a lot of males want more of their wife's time than ever before - I'm lucky, I have a very good male friend, and several wonderful women in my life who are effectively my loving sisters, friends who listen, comprehend, analyze, etc. and speak freely, telling me if I'm being an idiot, totally self centered, or better yet approving.

My wife works 50 - 60 hours a week, I keep her aware of who I meet and where. She encourages these meetings.

I'm not familiar with Recovery International but I know a number of people who have found AA very useful, it becomes a focus of their lives. I was invited to and attended a meeting about two years ago, it lasted an hour, and all who spoke, spoke with honesty, even the fellow who came to the meeting in truly terrible shape. The person who invited me has made AA a key part of his life and friendships.

Speaking for myself (isn't the sense of anonymity wonderful?) my feelings of love and affection for my wife increase greatly when we have intimate moments, or when she pays attention to me when we're home, or when she takes a minute from work and sends an email saying little more than hello. I sometimes think that having my 10 year older half brother kicked out of the house when I was 4 has had a lasting effect on me. BTW, he deserved it - he tried to kill my 6 month old sister, smothering her with snow. Living with my maternal grandmother was certainly punishment for attempted murder.

One of the side effects of Lexapro as a SSRI is it reduces libido in both men and women. See this for more information on SSRI's:
Sexual Side Effects - The Good, The Bad and The Funny. From People Who Have Taken These Crazy Meds...and SCIENCE!

Between retirement and Lexapro a lot could be happening to your husband.

As an outside WAG (wild a**) guess, you might want him to get his testosterone levels checked, after taking over a year of a chemotherapy drug to tame an autoimmune disease a while back mine went to 0. Yes ZERO! I noticed my nails got thin and I was feeling rather low and finally asked my PCP for a lab test. 

It turns out that T production can drop even w/o chemotherapy for reasons that are very hard to find.

Injecting T every other week and using a gel during the 2nd week help tremendously by increasing my energy level, interest in exercising, and interest in sex, and, though I'm not sure my SO is entirely happy about the latter ;-) 

The shots are not painful, I do them myself, and will be happy to provide some very useful tricks a nurse taught me if anyone is interested.

I hope your daughter and husband are both quickly feeling better.

Good luck,

Mark


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Mark,
Thanks for the reply.
I think Recovery International is a little like AA because you use first names only.
My husband is in a pretty bad fix as far as friends. Retirement and moving has separated him from many.
Maybe this group(RI) can help with that problem, too. 
He is not doing anything he enjoys for entertainment. His fun projects seem to be put aside for now. I know he is concerned about our daughter's health. 
He is off of Lexapro now. I think his testosterone level is OK; no symptoms.
I know he needs my attention and he really appreciated my trip home last week, but being a caregiver for two depressed/anxious people is getting to me.
My daughter has run out of FMLA and will see on Monday if her boss will allow her to stay at her job.

-Zora


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Yesterday was a big waste of time. I drove two hours to meet up with my DH and some old friends.
He had a great time talking to everyone and it was good to see him smile.
But one friend asked where he was living and he said I'm in XXXXX. She turned to me and said where are you? I told her I was staying with our daughter until she was feeling better.
He actually told the friend that he didn't think I was coming back.
Two problems, why is he telling this attractive, single woman his problems and why does he think he has a problem?
I didn't get a chance to talk to him privately but, honestly I'm not sure what to say to him.
Is he really that insecure about our relationship or has he made a decision to get on with his new life without me.
Help. I don't know what to do.
-Zora


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think your husband is feeling a bit abandoned. Maybe it's time to move back in with him and start dealing with your marriage instead of running away? 

If you want out then get out but don't string the guy along. I think it's a mistake for him to not be on medication if he is indeed depressed. He should be on a combination of meds and therapy. Group therapy is a good start but it's not the Be All and End All. If Lexapro isn't working for him then perhaps there is something else that will work. 

I feel your pain. My husband is going thru depression, drinking, etc, etc. Believe me, I've wanted to run away too but my husband man stuck by me when I was in crisis and it's only right I do the same for him. Life isn't always easy. We've been married 21 years, have two kids and yes, I do love him. If you feel the same about your man just remember you are married "For Better or for Worse" and you need to be there for him.

Good luck.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Dear Freak,
Thank you for responding. I feel kindof strung out right now.
I don't know if I made it clear in earlier posts, but I will have to make a choice here. I stay and help my daughter with her debilitating illness or go home and work on my marriage.
I wouldn't call it running away. Just a matter of what to focus on.
I was hoping that my DH could man up and let me do what was required in the situation. Wrong!!
Luckily my sister was available to take care of our ailing father or I would have had to deal with this earlier. He has to be the main focus of my attention or he feels neglected.
How selfish is this?
This week I am graduating from a class I have worked on for six months. I asked him to attend the grad ceremony and he said he had a previous engagement. It may be the group therapy thing, but I am still feeling a little hurt because of his absence.
It's OK for him to have other obligations, but I can't take care of our daughter without him feeling rejected.
-Zora


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

That's tough with the daughter. You have a lot on your plate.  I feel for you. 

You need to be there for your daughter and somehow need to communicate to your husband that you aren't abandoning him by helping out your daughter. After all, she is HIS daughter too. Perhaps he should come and stay with both of you as well? By focusing on helping his daughter it may give him an outlet. The fact that he's retired is an asset here because he has the time to do it. Certainly him being at home alone isn't helping him at all. 

My own husband has been in poor shape these days too. Some days he's better than others. But when my son became sick last week he put aside his problems and was there for him. He actually acted a lot like his old self and took charge of the situation, took him to the doctor, etc, etc. He said that seeing our son being sick helped put things in perspective. Perhaps involving your husband in your daughter's situation to some extent will make him feel involved and connect him to not only her but to you as well? 

You might want to give it some thought. One problem with depression is that it makes one feel isolated and alone as it is. You might want to try and involve him in your situation with your daughter. It might help you as well. Who knows? He may be more helpful than you think.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Telling the friend he thinks you aren't coming back could be his way of trying to get you to reassure him. It's the kind of thing I could easily be guilty of doing to my boyfriend if I needed reassurance. I try not to it, because I know it gives the wrong impression. But if he's frustrated and feeling hurt, he might have done it without thinking. 

What is this illness your daughter has and is she able to work and such while suffering from it? I wonder, if it's possible, if it wouldn't be better to bring your daughter to your home while she's recovering. It might be beneficial to her as well, to be surrounded by more of her family than just her mother. If it's not possible, I think I would make it a point to call home more, and to come home more often. I know, for me personally, when my boyfriend and I are unable to be in the house together on a daily basis, I prefer a phone call every day. I don't always get it, but I prefer it. I take what I can get, but my boyfriend knows how I feel and he tries to ensure he calls me frequently enough that I don't feel neglected. Depending on what's going on, it might be every day, it might be twice a week, it might be once a week. The thing is, though, he make sure I understand why the phone calls are the way they are, and he tries to give me an idea of when to expect to hear from him again. Maybe work out some kind of schedule with your husband, that you'll call on such and such days at such and such time each week. This way, when he's feeling neglected, abandoned, or whatever he's feeling, he has that commitment that he'll hear from you on these days at this time to hold onto. And maybe suggest he call you as well. This is something that recently came up for us; I asked him why he wasn't calling when we went through a rough patch, and he turned it right back on me and asked me why I wasn't calling him. I wasn't because I knew he was working hard and utterly exhausted, so I wanted to let him call me when it was convenient for him. He felt I didn't care enough to call him. Maybe your husband is feeling similar to me, that he doesn't want to bother you when he knows your busy, and he wants to know from you that he can call you.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Freak,
Thanks for the sympathy, I needed some, badly.
I will try and take your advice this week. You are right, she is HIS daughter, too.

atruckersgirl,
She is suffering from a disease that makes her dizzy almost all the time. Surgery is set for early Oct. I just hope it works. If she loses her job, she will be coming to live with us.
Thanks for the idea of regular times to talk. Sometimes I feel like I am disturbing him and he is anxious to get off the phone.

-Zora


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