# Starting sh*t at bedtime... rant (sorry in advance)



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

So here I sit, 1:30 in the morning on a worknight. Have to be up at 5 am. Can't sleep. Because of all times, she insists on letting out her biting/witty mean comments out right at bedtime. Instigating, if you will. 
What's the deal? Why would you not consider your spouses JOB when you feel like cutting into that person to appease your own ego? Especially if it's the only source of income, and HIGHLY sensitive to things like fatigue. 
I just want to rant really... I don't even know what I want to say. I hate sex. I hate being a man... I've even looked up chemical castration... how sad is that?? 
FML.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just set up a man cave and lock the door.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Every night? I usually can't stand not sleeping with my wife, but when she does this it automatically puts me WIDE AWAKE...


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You sound as if you are truly suffering. 
Please try and find someone you can respect and trust with whom you can talk through your problems.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Sadly I don't really have anyone... I released a bit through these forums a few months back and it felt great. That's why I'm back... 

"Professionals" so far have not impressed me. They sure cost though.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

I used to do this to my only income earning husband. Not proud of it. For me, it came from a place of utter desperation. Felt I had no control over my life. Felt stuck with no way out. Felt unheard and unloved and insignificant and worthless. Had an undiagnosed depression episode at the time. I wasn't capable of seeing how my actions would affect his job, nor would I have cared. It would have just been yet another thing that was more important than me.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Truly am. My husband would be so fed up at one point that he kept me up with him. Engaging me in discussion and did not let me sleep while he was upset. It exhausted me and at some point I valued my own sleep more than getting in the last stab of the night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

anja used a word that IMO is in play in a lot of these struggles within LTRs. Control. This is an area that she can fully control you. With a few words she spins you up to the point of desperation. I would guess she doesn't have that control in many areas of her life right now. I believe truly successful marriages figure out how to avoid these power struggles. I say figure out because I think the struggles show up in each LTR in some shape.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

She likes that you still care enough about her to get riled by her digs and passive aggressive comments.
Her communication skills sound like they stopped developing around the age of 17.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I'm sure she would say that it is my communication skills that are lacking. And she would be partially right. 
I don't feel that I need to share every little thing, particularly things I know she has no real interest in hearing, or that will just make things worse. We don't share that opinion, however.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

When you find yourself in this situation:

Thinking about it over and over is not going to lead you to a solution. In fact, the associated stress will hamper your ability to find one. Also, fighting against thinking the negative thoughts will perpetuate them. 

Think of something calming and repetitive. Let any other thoughts go. Sleep. People will still be here to vent to later.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ET1SSJonota said:


> I'm sure she would say that it is my communication skills that are lacking. And she would be partially right.
> I don't feel that I need to share every little thing, particularly things I know she has no real interest in hearing, or that will just make things worse. We don't share that opinion, however.


I say her communication skill seem stuck at 17 bc any mature woman would flat out address concerns with her husband in a clear,concise manner as early in the evening as possible.Your communication skills might be lacking but I'm not sure which is worse,lacking skill or having your skill stuck at a very immature manipulative stage.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

MSP said:


> When you find yourself in this situation:
> 
> Thinking about it over and over is not going to lead you to a solution. In fact, the associated stress will hamper your ability to find one. Also, fighting against thinking the negative thoughts will perpetuate them.
> 
> Think of something calming and repetitive. Let any other thoughts go. Sleep. People will still be here to vent to later.


I wish I could... it took 4 hours last night... leaving me just over an hour of sleep. I can say that I re-enforced within myself that when something isn't working, there is only one person that you can influence: yourself. So if I want it changed, I have to just change myself. So be it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Set up an alternate place to sleep, that you can lock yourself in...Get a clock radio with headphones, so you will be assured of waking up and still not be able to hear her...Get accustomed to sleeping there, and tell your wife you will be sleeping there until you get a promise from her that it will not happen again...You will then have control of the situation.....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Also, this: Ed Byrne Talking about Beds and Women - YouTube


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ET1SSJonota said:


> I wish I could... it took 4 hours last night... leaving me just over an hour of sleep. I can say that I re-enforced within myself that when something isn't working, there is only one person that you can influence: yourself. So if I want it changed, I have to just change myself. So be it.


Have you considered standing up to her?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I hate to admit it... But I have done this a few times to my husband in the past. Every single time it felt like I was in perpetual "stand-by" mode, waiting for him to be receptive to a talk/quality time/acknowledgment for all day prior. He's learned to make time for me during the day (he had the issue of being all-consumed all day long with his hobbies before). During this phase, the time right before bed would be when I felt he wasn't "busy". The more defensive and less receptive he became, the more it would escalate... Tough times; I'm glad they are over.

Try making some room during the day for quality time with your wife several hours before bedtime. Just sit and talk. No phones, no computers, no books, no magazines, no distractions. Ask her what's on her mind - let her know what's on yours. THEN if she persists, time to set some boundaries and firmly (and gently) let her know it is not acceptable and that you will make time for such talks at more appropriate times. But DO MAKE THE TIME available to her. Once my hubby and I got this straightened out we were much happier... I hope this helps. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ET1SSJonota said:


> So here I sit, 1:30 in the morning on a worknight. Have to be up at 5 am. Can't sleep. Because of all times, she insists on letting out her biting/witty mean comments out right at bedtime. Instigating, if you will.
> What's the deal? Why would you not consider your spouses JOB when you feel like cutting into that person to appease your own ego? Especially if it's the only source of income, and HIGHLY sensitive to things like fatigue.
> I just want to rant really... I don't even know what I want to say. I hate sex. I hate being a man... I've even looked up chemical castration... how sad is that??
> FML.


Sorry to hear all that.
With some women though l swear that's their idea -not, of fore play . Then they turn round wondering what's happened to hubby


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

I was hit with this a handful of times towards the end. Its b.s. and I shouldn't have put up with it. You shouldn't either.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Set up an alternate place to sleep, that you can lock yourself in...Get a clock radio with headphones, so you will be assured of waking up and still not be able to hear her...Get accustomed to sleeping there, and tell your wife you will be sleeping there until you get a promise from her that it will not happen again...You will then have control of the situation.....
> 
> good luck
> the woodchuck


Exact wrong thing to do. This is your castle, your bedroom. You have to smack that **** down. 

"Gee, honey, it sounds like you're angry about something. I'm not going to solve it with you tonight because I'm busy slaying dragons in the morning. We will deal with this tomorrow after dinner.'' 

If she persists, "There are other places you can sleep. You don't have to stay here."

And that's the last thing you say on the subject. Close your eyes and roll over and, no matter what, you don't react or give up your bed. 

After dinner the next night, start the conversation. It's your meeting, you set the agenda and stick with it.

You need to develop a skill called "outcome independence". Take it from a guy with chronic insomnia, you won't sleep until you stop dwelling on stuff at night. Once you put other people's issues back on them where they belong, you will sleep. Her attitude is not your fault or problem, so stop making it your problem. I know, I know. Easier said than done. 

Here's the thing though; she's acting like an immature brat and she knows she can make you suffer by keeping you up all night with small effort on her part. You have to stop giving her that power. When you take control of the situation, you break her of bad behavior. 

When my kids were babies, at some point they cried when going to bed. They would cry, and scream and sputter in their cribs. Horrible sounding stuff. They wanted our attention. We learned to let them scream all they want. They would eventually give up and go to sleep on their own. It may take 3 nights, but they got the point and they went to bed and fell asleep every night after that. 

The point is, she will continue to do this to you every night until you show her you don't care if she does. 

Once the habit is broken, then you can help her get some assistance for what does sound like depression issues. You can't do that when she thinks acting like a brat gets her what she wants.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe she isn't doing it intentionally to pester you or keep you up all night. It still isn't right. Maybe like another poster said, she thinks that is the time of day that she can have your undivided attention. In either case, ManUp is right.

You have to face it, face her, and tell her how this screws you up. Then you also have to MAKE time to listen to her. Choose a time that works, if the kids are little.... get someone to keep them for an hour and take a walk, or go for a ride with her and LISTEN. If one kid is old enough.... put in a movie for them and you and wife go out in they backyard for some "grown up" time. 

Some couples have a sort of schedule. Even with little kids. Like leave dad alone for at least 30 minutes after work, so he can destress. Get together at least one hour a week just to air concerns and check in on "discussions". 



Her gripes MIGHT be valid, they are to her anyway. And it soooooooo sucks when your spouse doesn't ever HEAR you. 

This is about the timing. YOU can control this. Figure it out.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

If I had that "wife" she'd quickly find herself served with divorce papers and alone. 

I would NOT tolerate a partner who treats me like sh#t


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