# Gut feel regarding a possible om/ow



## worldwide (Jul 14, 2011)

Before turning up evidence (I.e. Numerous phone calls, chats, texts, etc). Have you had a gut feel about a specific om/ow that turned out to be correct? How about gut feels that were incorrect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am a wayward wife. I had a very difficult time cutting off NC for a few weeks with the OM and somehow my H knew every single time I would make contact with him and he never once had evidence. I was starting to think I was in the twilight zone. He nailed it everytime. :/ Usually your instinct is right.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

This exact thing happened to me. My gut feeling was exactly right w/in 24 hours of her leaving. It hit me like a train. When I confronted they both swore up and down I was in idiot for even suggesting such a thing. She promised me for 2 months that there was nobody else. Consistently degraded me for accusing her of such a thing every single time I brought it up. 

Of course, by the time she finally confessed, I had loads of evidence and knew more than i ever wanted to. I was right all along. There are certainly exceptions but i would strongly advise people to go with their gut feeling about what is really going on.

Now they live together.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

A caution, however.

The gut feelings should be differentiated from mind's waverings.

Gut feelings come out automatically. Stays for a few seconds. Most of the times, BS ignore them. Only a few take notice and act on them.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I'm 2+ years into dday, it still bothers me that 8 years ago I didn't trust my gut feeling about my wife having an affair. I really do blame myself for not stopping her right there and ceasing the future... years of serial affairs.

I still can remember the day, 8 years ago, I was "suggesting" that we be intimate. Teenage kids were out of the house, weekend, no commitments, it has been over a month since last time. She just laid there on the bed, no interest, no movement, eyes open staring at the ceiling. Still remember the words... "I told you, I'm not feeling Sexy, why can't you understand." That was enough for me, I got up got dressed, walked into another room, and said out loud to myself, "My wife is having an affair." I returned a few minutes later and with no proof, "Are you cheating on me?" What a mistake. I didn't want to believe the truth and let her convince me otherwise. All my accusations did was teach her to be more careful, more discrete. I didn't slow her down in the least.

Here's what really sux, all the signs, the flags, the reality of what was going on was just 1 freaking Google Search away. 1 simple search and it would have confirmed my gut. She was page per page following the Script. 1 deleted email left in sent box, 1 forgotten text, 2 minutes of VAR, 1 month of reviewing the cell phone log, 5 minutes on FB, logging the car mileage on her Sat trips "shopping", so many more... pitiful. 

Don't be me.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I was totally clueless...

Looking back now, it all seems so crystal clear -- the sexy undies, even though we were having infrequent sex. The 4 day a week Zumba sessions to get her body nice and toned. 

I just chalked it all up to her having a mid-life crisis. She also started hanging out with a friend who was going through a divorce and stupid me thought that this would be a wake up call for her in trying to fix our marriage. [SLAPS FOREHEAD]


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I was totally clueless...
> 
> Looking back now, it all seems so crystal clear -- the sexy undies, even though we were having infrequent sex. The 4 day a week Zumba sessions to get her body nice and toned.
> 
> I just chalked it all up to her having a mid-life crisis. She also started hanging out with a friend who was going through a divorce and stupid me thought that this would be a wake up call for her in trying to fix our marriage. [SLAPS FOREHEAD]


I am 8months out of D day, I still struggle with how stupid I was not to pickup on my xw's A. I never even checked her phone records, had I I would have seen the 485 texts to the POSOM six months before. Maybe I could have done something about it. People tell me I wasn't stupid just to trusting. No way did I ever see it coming. Never ever do that again. I would never cheat, thought she was the same. Now when I think of all those times she looked me right in the eye and lied. I think how could I be so stupid? She always told me my biggest problem was that I was to nice of a guy, that I got taken advantage of, guess she decided to join in with the others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Oh my god Hoosier -- my wife also told me that I was too nice. At the time, I didn't know how to interpret this, but after reading 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and 'The Game' by Neil Strauss, I know what she meant. A lot of women prefer jerks and alas I wasn't one.

I don't intend on becoming a major a**hole in my future relationships but days of putting my partner on a pedestal are long gone. So are the days of only watching the shows that she likes (I can no longer watch anything on HGTV and have blocked Lifetime from showing on my remote).


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Hoos,

I here you on trusting. Yep, that was me. Now, I trust the Sun to rise in the morning. Exploiting your spouses trust may be the cruelest of the betrayals.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

My gut worked for me before dday and sometimes after. The most fascinating was when he went to see ow at her business during his lunch to tell her why they couldn't be friends anymore. That very day i suspected something and went to covertly watch him leave work to make sure he went where he said he was going. I was pretty amazed how i just knew. It has worked for me one other time but not always. He lied to me by omission for months about something and i had no clue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I intuitively read my XW like a book, having had some PC and cell records, the absence of relations, and her "staying" at work from 5AM-8PM, although she was rarely in her office. The whole process was beyond painful.

With current STBXW, I never got the chance to investigate as she wanted a separation _pronto_ and had me moved out of the house under some rather pretentious circumstances. But the only thing that I did uncover was her FB info, using her maiden name, an old pic from her college days listing herself as being "divorced." The divorce filing happened in November, 2011 but there's been relatively little court activity to speak of. 

Intuition tells me that I was moved out primarily because STBXW didn't want me finding out or seeing certain things. 

I suffered a lot of pain the first time around and I absolutely vowed to never go there again!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It was a gut feeling that drew me to do the reseacrch and investigation that generated the plan to confront my fWW.

Just like alot of folk here I did the begging thing and then realized that wasn't going to work. But after some reading on affairs and finding the proof I was able to approach my fWW with an indifference, ego and most of all confidence that showed her I was a different person she had been decieving for all these years.

IMHO the thing about our gut feelings, being wrong or right, its the instinct we have to confront the issues in a marriage, and confronting issues in a marriage is always good. It when we don't, or stop confronting our spouses that leads to a hidden resentment that will continue to eat away at a relationship.

These days I am no longer a yes man and I have found that being able to say no is worth more then some folks can ever understand.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Unless you're someone who is persistently paranoid, your gut feel is always something you shouldn't ignore.

I had a gut feel for many months (read this to mean a whole year!) before I finally got wise and got the truth. The thing I figured out the hard way was that asking questions and begging for the truth only made things worse.

By the time I got the guts to investigate, I was having anxiety attacks. My gut feeling was right and I was in for the worst ordeal of my life. 

One thing I wished I'd never done was to mention my suspicions to him. That made him get better at hiding what he was doing.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I totally agree with Leigh. I went through the same thing. I wish I could have controlled my anger better, I would have gotten much more evidence. I filed for divorce in December 2011 and there hasn't been any court activity yet, we are still going through discovery. STXH hasn't provided his discovery yet but I'm sure when I finally get all the financial records and cell phone bills my gut feeling will be confirmed once again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dgtal said:


> 3.5 years here after dday. Samething happened to me. Sudden lack of sex was the major suspiciuos point. I had gut feelings for more than a year b4 discovery. I even had bad dreams about the OM kissing my wife. Stupid me never investigated.
> 
> Don't be me (neither)



You know, although those "dreams/visions/intuitions" are often extremely painful, I really can't help but feel that God gave them to us for a specific reason. He richly ordained monogamous marriage within the scope of His grand plan for us, and to that end, I truly feel that those aforementioned mental/psychological connections are merely "wake-up calls" to the betrayed for confirmation, and then to make a decision to either work at saving or ultimately scrapping that holy relationship.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I knew in my gut that my ex was cheating on me but didn't want to believe it. After he finally left me, I found out it had been going on for at least 7 months (possibly longer) with him sleeping around with girls *and* guys. I am so lucky he didn't bring anything home to me. -_-

Back in 2008 I was scared that my fiance was cheating on me. It wasn't a gut feeling, it was just mental/emotional and thank God I was wrong. I was stressed and sick and he was being uncharacteristically social with new people I hadn't gotten to meet yet. He forgot we were going to do dinner together (had it with someone else) and the girl called him at 2 AM one night to see if she could come over. It turned out her roommates had people over who were drunk, and she was afraid they were going to hurt her. >.> Still, at the time, I freaked out because of the situation with the ex. Communication and transparency got us through that one. Again, that wasn't a gut feeling, that was just mental panic at seeing some of the same signs out of the blue.

So yeah, like someone earlier said... Gut feelings are usually right but it is important to distinguish between gut and paranoia.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the human body will emit signals of lying and deception

often this "gut" feeling we get is due to being able to subconsciously interpret that body language. The problem is that our conscious mind doesn't want to believe that someone whom we love and trust so dearly would betray us.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kittykat09 said:


> I knew in my gut that my ex was cheating on me but didn't want to believe it. After he finally left me, I found out it had been going on for at least 7 months (possibly longer) with him sleeping around with girls *and* guys. I am so lucky he didn't bring anything home to me. -_-
> 
> Back in 2008 I was scared that my fiance was cheating on me. It wasn't a gut feeling, it was just mental/emotional and thank God I was wrong. I was stressed and sick and he was being uncharacteristically social with new people I hadn't gotten to meet yet. He forgot we were going to do dinner together (had it with someone else) and the girl called him at 2 AM one night to see if she could come over. It turned out her roommates had people over who were drunk, and she was afraid they were going to hurt her. >.> Still, at the time, I freaked out because of the situation with the ex. Communication and transparency got us through that one. Again, that wasn't a gut feeling, that was just mental panic at seeing some of the same signs out of the blue.
> 
> So yeah, like someone earlier said... Gut feelings are usually right but it is important to distinguish between gut and paranoia.


It would appear that your first episode with having to deal with cheating came by means of your earlier spouse. You were intelligent enough to have formed the intuition of what in reality was going on; and you were ultimately proven correct in that learned assumption. Then the same assumption later comes to mind when your next spouse exhibits some of those same signs.

I think that anyone who has been cheated on firmly embraces the logic of "once burned, twice shy," even to the point of showing overt signs of paranoia. Even if your new relationship richly embraces the "straight and narrow," I honestly feel that once you have been victimized by an act of cheating, with rare exception, you will almost always keep your guard up. In reality, it's merely just a human/psychological defensive mechanism.


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