# Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront



## YearsLater (Nov 27, 2017)

A former babysitter messaged me on Facebook to confess that she had an affair with my husband seven years ago; she said it lasted for six months before she moved away. Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions. She said she got swept up by my husband's personality and she really admired how good he was with our kids. She liked that he talked to her like a friend and not someone who worked for us. She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex.

Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. There's no chance she will be involved in our lives again. She lived in our area for college and then moved closer to home after graduation, several hours away. We kept in contact through Facebook messages for about a year after she left, but that became increasingly infrequent and then we stopped communicating altogether. She did say she never talked to or saw my husband again after she moved away.

I didn't respond to her, I don't know what to say. I know she wouldn't make this up, but I never got the sense that anything was going on between her and my husband. It's hard to remember that long ago, but I really don't recall anything strange about his behavior at the time. He's never been distant or tried to pull away from me or the kids.

I haven't confronted him and I don't know if I should; for now, it just feels surreal and I can mostly deal with it. My husband knows something's off, but I've been blaming it on work stress.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think you should. Probably with some counseling set up as well.

This has been eating away part of your marriage wether you knew it or not.

You can't pretend you weren't told. Holding it in will in all probability harm you, your marriage and family a lot more.

You also need to verify it. Ask her for details to prove she isn't just starting trouble.

There has to be something she can give you to convince you she is being truthful.

Then confront your husband. Might want counseling first and some emotional support. You should talk to someone you can trust about this.

You then need to make some decisions.

What do you want to do?

I would be raking him over some very hot coals myself but you are in this, not me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

YearsLater said:


> A former babysitter messaged me on Facebook to confess that she had an affair with my husband seven years ago; she said it lasted for six months before she moved away. Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions. She said she got swept up by my husband's personality and she really admired how good he was with our kids. She liked that he talked to her like a friend and not someone who worked for us. She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex.
> 
> Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. There's no chance she will be involved in our lives again. She lived in our area for college and then moved closer to home after graduation, several hours away. We kept in contact through Facebook messages for about a year after she left, but that became increasingly infrequent and then we stopped communicating altogether. She did say she never talked to or saw my husband again after she moved away.
> 
> ...


Well I feel bad for you and her fiance, but he is a fool to marry her especially when he has to force her to apologize. Seems like another case of a man projecting onto a women and infantilizing her and her choices. It's amazing to me the number of guys who do this. That is the overall point I would like to make. People who cheat usually have very bad character. That doesn't just change it takes first admitting it and then working really hard to change it. 

That being said it's up to you whether to tell your husband you know or not. I personally wouldn't want to live a lie. But besides that your husband had an affair with a babysitter? Was she under age? I mean do you really know him like you think you do? I say that because it's usually not just one and done with these kind of people. How did it end? Why did it end? I think you should start doing some checking. The only thing you know for sure is that he is capable of having an affair lying to your face and fooling you. Unfortunately cheaters fit patterns and are very good at lying, even to themselves. In my mind having read these stories over and over I don't think you are really safe. 

It's up to you though.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I had a similar thought to @sokillme

If true, he carried on a truly vile act for six months with someone that was caring for your children while giving no indication of guilt or change of behavior.

He also never told you. If she is telling the truth, your husband is beyond despicable and there is no way to trust him or know that he hasn't been cheating on you for your whole relationship.

I think you should get what you need to prove it conclusively and then reduce his cheating ass to dust!

What an ahole!!!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Unfortunately, even though it did "happen" years ago...for you it happened yesterday.

And your reactions to it are now.

Follow the advice of the great posters on here and hope you get what you need.


Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> You also need to verify it. Ask her for details to prove she isn't just starting trouble.
> 
> There has to be something she can give you to convince you she is being truthful.


Of course you should confront him. To not do so is the ultimate rug sweep. That's not good for you or your marriage. He deserves consequences and you need to see him demonstrate genuine remorse to help you heal.

That said, I agree with ConanHub. Ask her for some evidence that he can't refute. If she can't give you anything, he's probably going to deny it. If that happens, I'd suggest asking him if he's willing to take a polygraph. His reaction to that question is just as important as taking the poly.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You must confront as this will linger in your mind. Further, your H did a crappy thing and got away with it. Your H is capable of that again.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I would ask the babysitter for certain proof to make sure it did happen, after that you will have to bring this up to him or it will eat you alive and destroy your marriage.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Once the shock and awe wear off you'll know what to do because when the fog lifts you're going to find yourself with both hands around your husband's neck and wondering how you got there.


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## YearsLater (Nov 27, 2017)

Thank you all for the advice. I'm still in shock and not confronting him makes it feel less real; I know that sounds crazy, but it's helping right now. It crossed my mind that maybe he's cheated with other women too, but he's such a homebody. He goes straight to work and comes right home, he loves being with the kids and me. I don't even know what to ask to determine if she's telling the truth. She was 20 at the time of their affair. I treated her like a younger sister.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Tell him you learned a new trick and you want to try bondage in the bedroom.

Once you've got him tied up by his wrists and ankles, grab a freshly polished butcher's knife from the kitchen, hold it in your hand so it reflects the light, smile and say "Now tell me all about the babysitter".


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

The problem with this is once you hear it there is no way to unhear it.
Whether you confront him or not your marriage is forever changed.

I see the need for verification but why would she out of the blue pop up to tell a lie? I’d be inclined to believe her.

You have learned that your husband is a wonderful liar because you never suspected a thing. Who knows what else has happened in your marriage that you are in the dark about.

I’d confront him. Get the whole story and then decide on a course of action with regards to your marriage.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

citygirl4344 said:


> I see the need for verification but why would she out of the blue pop up to tell a lie? I’d be inclined to believe her.
> 
> You have learned that your husband is a wonderful liar because you never suspected a thing. Who knows what else has happened in your marriage that you are in the dark about.
> 
> I’d confront him. Get the whole story and then decide on a course of action with regards to your marriage.


Too easy for him to lie his way out of it without proof. He could say she always had a crush on him, and she came on to him but he rejected her, and now she's looking for revenge for unknown reasons, or whatever else he comes up with. He just might react in anger which is the best cover, and say she's crazy for believing someone else over him and there's no truth to it, without offering any explanation. 

Cheaters are really good at this sort of thing. And the betrayed are sometimes helpless to do anything about it.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> Too easy for him to lie his way out of it without proof. He could say she always had a crush on him, and she came on to him but he rejected her, and now she's looking for revenge for unknown reasons, or whatever else he comes up with. He just might react in anger which is the best cover, and say she's crazy for believing someone else over him and there's no truth to it, without offering any explanation.
> 
> 
> 
> Cheaters are really good at this sort of thing. And the betrayed are sometimes helpless to do anything about it.




True..for that reason I guess it would be a good idea for some verification. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am sorry you are going through this. Of course you should 100% confront. Nobody gets a pass in life and the question you now have to ask is how many times has this happened before with others. Don't be fooled with the homebody act, etc. When i suspected my wife of seeing someone, i was very surprised by the conversation they were having and what the VAR caught. Real Soul Shattering. That was not the wife i knew. And i'd caught it very early in the piece.

You need to confront him now. Sit down take some time to plan your confrontation and demand instant access to his phone, email, facebook etc. If you choose to forgive him offer up real time consequences and let it be clearly known that you will not tolerate such foul behavour.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

YearsLater said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I'm still in shock and not confronting him makes it feel less real; I know that sounds crazy, but it's helping right now. It crossed my mind that maybe he's cheated with other women too, but he's such a homebody. He goes straight to work and comes right home, he loves being with the kids and me. I don't even know what to ask to determine if she's telling the truth. She was 20 at the time of their affair. I treated her like a younger sister.


Ask her about identifying marks on your husbands body. Things she would only see if he were naked. Plant false as well as true information in your questions. For instance, ask about the birth mark on his thigh, when he doesn't have one. Just to be sure she isn't jerking you around.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First things first —

Take screenshots of that FB message, and then back them up to a couple of different locations in the Cloud (Google Drive, iCloud Drive, Dropbox, etc).

Make sure that your husband won’t have access to wherever you stash them, else he’ll delete them.

Next — when you’re ready, yes: confront. Maybe get more details from the ex-babysitter first, though.

Her fiancé sounds like a stand-up guy, BTW.

Hopefully she’s changed her stripes.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Get the dirt on him and bust his chops. I think you need to give him a proper stomping in the divorce because he's such a born liar.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

YearsLater said:


> I never got the sense that anything was going on between her and my husband. It's hard to remember that long ago, but *I really don't recall anything strange about his behavior at the time. He's never been distant or tried to pull away from me or the kids.*


Not even during the time the affair was supposed to be going on?

If he is that good at hiding an affair, there is no reason for you to believe there haven't been others, or that he is not currently in an affair with someone else.

He obviously doesn't take his marital vows seriously.

You need to confront him. The adulterous babysitter did you a favor by marrying a man who has a conscience for her. At least her husband knows what she used to be. I hope she has truly changed.

However, you have no idea if your husband has changed...he probably hasn't.

Keep posting and reading here. You have a long, painful road ahead of you, whether he tells you the truth or not.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tell your husband the old babysitter messaged you. That she will be coming in town for a few hours and wants to talk to you only about something very important. Then say it's strange that after all these years of no contact, she has to see me in person for what she needs to talk about. Then watch the reaction of your husband, note if he attempts to contact her. If he asks questions, tell him you don't know what it is but she said it's very important. Let him stew for a while, then start asking why he's anxious and that you can tell something is wrong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

YearsLater said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I'm still in shock and not confronting him makes it feel less real; I know that sounds crazy, but it's helping right now. It crossed my mind that maybe he's cheated with other women too, but he's such a homebody. He goes straight to work and comes right home, he loves being with the kids and me. I don't even know what to ask to determine if she's telling the truth. She was 20 at the time of their affair. I treated her like a younger sister.


I am SO sorry for you. I hate that you husband has done this evil thing to you and you kids. Know that no matter what you will get over it, there is still joy left for you.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> First things first —
> 
> Take screenshots of that FB message, and then back them up to a couple of different locations in the Cloud (Google Drive, iCloud Drive, Dropbox, etc).
> 
> ...


Maybe the fiance wants to be sure there is nothing for his gf/wife to opt back to.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

OP, you may want to do the confront in a counselors office, after you have gotten more proof. Is your husband circumcised? It may be very hard to ask, but ask the baby sitter where, when, how often and what was done.

As was mentioned before, ask about physical traits, maybe even what he liked or did. Painful, but excising a infected boil from your life usually is.

She could be looking to cause trouble, or looking to make amends in a way. If your husband did cheat, better to know and be able to make a informed decision.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Confront! But you should meet with her to gather incontrovertible evidence against him before doing so!

He probably felt like that he’d take this secret to his grave with him, but fate decided quite differently!

He cheated on your sacred marriage vows! Exactly why shouldn’t you confront?*i


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can -- and should -- confront but he may never tell you the truth so be prepared for that. 

My ex-husband was very similar -- never even a slight hint that he was having an affair. It was just sheer luck I found out and even after I did he always denied it and said they were just friends. So, yes, I wondered how many others there were since he was so good at hiding it. 

Your husband knows something's wrong. Tell him what it is.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Get as much proof as possible, then sit down with him, not telling him who contacted you and say "Is there anything we need to discuss about our marriage?" Then let the silence drag out. He may spill the beans about someone other than the sitter since it was years ago. If so, then you know for certain he is a serial cheater.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

drifting on said:


> Tell your husband the old babysitter messaged you. That she will be coming in town for a few hours and wants to talk to you only about something very important. Then say it's strange that after all these years of no contact, she has to see me in person for what she needs to talk about. Then watch the reaction of your husband, note if he attempts to contact her. If he asks questions, tell him you don't know what it is but she said it's very important. Let him stew for a while, then start asking why he's anxious and that you can tell something is wrong.


Devilishly clever.

Except that it could put the babysitters life in danger.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Maybe the fiance wants to be sure there is nothing for his gf/wife to opt back to.


If that’s his motivation then he’s better off dumping her.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Tell your husband the old babysitter messaged you. That she will be coming in town for a few hours and wants to talk to you only about something very important. Then say it's strange that after all these years of no contact, she has to see me in person for what she needs to talk about. Then watch the reaction of your husband, note if he attempts to contact her. If he asks questions, tell him you don't know what it is but she said it's very important. Let him stew for a while, then start asking why he's anxious and that you can tell something is wrong.


Add that she said it was something she has wanted to get off her chest for a long time. Then watch his reaction carefully.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So you saw NO SIGNS of this infidelity all those years ago... so just think what he could be up to NOW. Your eyes have been opened to who he really is, so I would suggest you take advantage of the new clarity and make sure his side of the street is currently clean.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

with all the bizarre accusations coming to light recently, many without a shred of proof....

i wonder what her agenda really is? What she says her agenda is is, quite frankly, a little preposterous. Maybe she is lying. Maybe she has a crush on him and WANTS you two to break up. 

I would NOT assume she is telling the truth on this one.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I too have apologized for something I did as a teen. Thirty years after the fact. 

Guilt can be resurrected from even a picture, a place, or a situation.

A flashback can ignite it for the first time. Class reunions are good at bringing out old grudges, old guilt. Wrongful acts.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There's a book called "never be lied to again" by David Lieberman. It would be a good read before the confront if you don't think you'll be able to get any proof and need him to confess.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Like most here I would think she is telling the truth. It cant have been easy for her to tell you. 
I am amazed that you haven't yet talked to him about it, I would have done that the day I found out, but I really like the idea of telling your husband that she wants to come and see you to get something off her chest. 
If he is innocent, then he wont worry, but you will notice if he begins to sweat and worry and get stressed about it. 
Don't tell him when she is coming, say that you haven't made a date yet, but watch him. He may try and ring her, so check his phone. He may ask you more questions or begin to say things about her to protect himself. Did he used to take her home after the babysitting? 

Also asking for proof, and when this all happened, where and how often etc, is a good next step. No point in mentioning a birth mark or similar, they may well have had sex in the car and been partially clothed.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Contact the babysitter and ask to meet her and her fiancé or FaceTime them BEFORE you confront your husband.

She would have to be one sick puppy IF she was making this up, especially after 7 years have gone by.

She dropped this life changing bomb on you and if she is truly remorseful and wants to wipe her slate clean, she should have no problem giving you full exposure and would understand why you need the details and clarity.

If she refuses then you can start thinking about her motives and whether or not she is a nutcase. I'm assuming you can verify if she has a fiancé from her FB or IG .

Be prepared- if you do confront your husband- with the standard denial and gaslighting tactics.

She is crazy, you are crazy and a whole host of other nasty maneuvers to get the eye off the ball.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The #1 rule on confrontation is don't do it if you don't have solid proof. The cheater will deny, lie, and gas light. Do you believe you have enough proof for you to believe he did it? If you do, you don't need to confront him in a way that seems like an unfounded accusation. What I mean is, many people confront with sketchy proof and the cheater realizes they can probably lie their way out of it. The betrayed never gets the full confirmation whether the affair happened. This is very bad! 

On the other hand, if you believe he cheated, your confrontation is very much different. You don't have to provide him with any proof even though he is going to ask for it. He is going to make denials and he'll try to impune the other woman's honesty. So, instead, you confront with certainty in your voice and words that you know he cheated. This is his one and only chance to fully confess to you. Make sure he doesn't have his phone on him because if he walks out he's going to start calling people, possibly including other women he's cheated with, in order to get some alibis lined up. So, I would take his phone from him first. At that point you see how he reacts and what he says.

He may play dumb if you don't give any specifics, because he may think you're bluffing. You could calmly mention the baby sitter's name, then wait to see what he says.

I would highly recommend you record the confrontation. Your head may be spinning, and you'll definitely wonder later on what exactly he said or how exactly you asked a question and what his answer was. You can get voice recorder apps for your phone, or you can buy a good VAR for about $70. I would not tell him you are recording it.

One strategy may be to surprise him with a lie detector. The thing about cheaters is they are good at lying, and they are good at creating stories. Chances are your H has cheated other times. Maybe not, but maybe so. You deserve to know the full truth of the situation. You could surprise him right after the confrontation, telling him you have an appointment with the polygraph right now, and he can prove his innocence (or prove he has told the full truth of any cheating) immediately.

I have become a fan of shock and awe with cheaters rather than trying to talk to them about being truthful. Rather than you explaining how you need the full truth and how the lies are so damaging, I prefer stating the fact that any lies or omissions will be grounds for immediate divorce. Let them know you're not joking, and you're quite ready to do what is right for you. 

If you give him days or weeks before the poly, he has time to change his story, and even to convince himself some things weren't really cheating. He may read up on how to cheat the polygraph.

Anyhow, if you can get good solid proof from the baby then it would be helpful. If not, and if you believe her, you can confront but don't reveal how little you know. Frame the confrontation as you are giving him the chance to come clean with you, and anything which doesn't square with what you know already will lead to D. Don't frame it as you are looking for information to learn. Cheaters never admit more than they think you already know.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> And when he reaches the stage when he says something like, "What do you want me to say?" Ask him, "What do you think I want you to say?"


He'd just dodge further and say "I think you want me to say what I think you want me to say".


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Somewhat confused with this constant lighting of gas that many to refer to. I take it that it means something other than the schoolboy party trick?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

twoofus said:


> Somewhat confused with this constant lighting of gas that many to refer to. I take it that it means something other than the schoolboy party trick?


No, it's the schoolboy party trick, but you look at the color of the flame to determine if the person is lying or not.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bonkers said:


> Devilishly clever.
> 
> Except that it could put the babysitters life in danger.





OP could warn the new boyfriend in advance so that he can also monitor if the babysitter and WS try to contact one another. For all OP knows she may have contacted the WS first. If he has a very calm reaction, then you will know this is the case. If the WS wants to meet OP with the babysitter it could be a crapshoot either way. But if your husband insists on being there or says not to meet, then you know the babysitter is being truthful.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Well I feel bad for you and her fiance, but he is a fool to marry her especially when he has to force her to apologize.


Holy judgement from your high horse Batman. A 20 year old made bad decisions and she should be punished for life even though she came clean to her fiancé and the woman whose husband she cheated with. I am glad you know he forced her. Lol. Maybe she was just burying it deep and he suggested she confront it and clear her conscious.

Either way, she is a human being and despite your outrage and how well you know her character, which we both know is absolutely zero, you have no problem proclaiming this. Clearly you have your own issues you still haven’t battled through cause that entire premise is about as far from reality as I can imagine. Even more ridiculous are all the likes it got.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> The #1 rule on confrontation is don't do it if you don't have solid proof. The cheater will deny, lie, and gas light. Do you believe you have enough proof for you to believe he did it? If you do, you don't need to confront him in a way that seems like an unfounded accusation. What I mean is, many people confront with sketchy proof and the cheater realizes they can probably lie their way out of it. The betrayed never gets the full confirmation whether the affair happened. This is very bad!
> 
> On the other hand, if you believe he cheated, your confrontation is very much different. You don't have to provide him with any proof even though he is going to ask for it. He is going to make denials and he'll try to impune the other woman's honesty. So, instead, you confront with certainty in your voice and words that you know he cheated. This is his one and only chance to fully confess to you. Make sure he doesn't have his phone on him because if he walks out he's going to start calling people, possibly including other women he's cheated with, in order to get some alibis lined up. So, I would take his phone from him first. At that point you see how he reacts and what he says.
> 
> ...




Great advice. For shock and awe call the current boyfriend first, when your husband gets home walk out the door saying the old babysitter messaged you and you're going to meet with her. If the babysitters phone rings and its your WS, you have your answer. Would be great if you could arrange this before you actually do this with the babysitter and her boyfriend. Maybe the babysitter will give you her phone so when your husband messages you can respond back. All you simply need to do is meet with prior to telling your husband, such as in late in the day an hour before your husband gets home. Then you go back to meet the babysitter and boyfriend to return the phone. Could learn a lot if WS messages babysitter while you have the phone.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Tell your husband the old babysitter messaged you. That she will be coming in town for a few hours and wants to talk to you only about something very important. Then say it's strange that after all these years of no contact, she has to see me in person for what she needs to talk about. Then watch the reaction of your husband, note if he attempts to contact her. If he asks questions, tell him you don't know what it is but she said it's very important. Let him stew for a while, then start asking why he's anxious and that you can tell something is wrong.


In Spanish there is a name for this tactic. It is called "Sacar la verdad por mentira" which means "getting out the truth through a lie."

I believe it would be good for you to observe his reaction over the next few days and before you are supposed to have your "meeting." It might end up like the old "parking lot confession" that is given right before a cheater goes in for a lie detector test.

He might spill the beans, he might trickle truth, or he might bad mouth her to try to convince you she is a liar. Then you can ask what she might lie about. If he starts telling you she used to come on to him and he rebuffed her, you have your "confession" right there. Had she really been like that, he would have told you then, and fired her.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Bonkers said:


> Tell him you learned a new trick and you want to try bondage in the bedroom.
> 
> Once you've got him tied up by his wrists and ankles, grab a freshly polished butcher's knife from the kitchen, hold it in your hand so it reflects the light, smile and say "Now tell me all about the babysitter".


Don't do this. The poster is trying to be funny, but your situation is not funny at all, and not to be taken lightly.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Regarding the babysitter: she was 20. Honestly, how many posters on TAM wouldn't have had a fling with a handsome or pretty married person that they really admired if all the circumstances were just right when they were 20? 

When I was 20, and had everything lined up and I found myself cornered by such person, I may very well have gone with the flow out of selfishness, immaturity and a lack of understanding of the seriousness of marriage vows.

The babysitter is now 7 years older, more mature and about to embark on her own marital experience. She could be a very different person than she was when she was 20.

Make sure you record your conversations with your husband. Download a good recording app on your phone and practice using it secretly. Also record the next conversations you have with the babysitter and her fiancee. Your husband's story is going to change a lot, and it will be good for you to have that documented when he tries to convince you that he is telling the truth and that your memory is what is faulty. Nothing shuts a liar and manipulator down better than hearing their own voice telling you something different than they are telling you now. They like to try to convince you not to trust your own mind and memory. The recordings are your friend.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Holy judgement from your high horse Batman. A 20 year old made bad decisions and she should be punished for life even though she came clean to her fiancé and the woman whose husband she cheated with. I am glad you know he forced her. Lol. Maybe she was just burying it deep and he suggested she confront it and clear her conscious.
> 
> Either way, she is a human being and despite your outrage and how well you know her character, which we both know is absolutely zero, you have no problem proclaiming this. Clearly you have your own issues you still haven’t battled through cause that entire premise is about as far from reality as I can imagine. Even more ridiculous are all the likes it got.


First of all somehow I knew doing something like that was ****ty when I was 11, hell all of us do and this woman did too. So her being 20 is a totally bull**** excuse that I will never accept. Ignoring that though I'm sorry if my take bothers you but it's just cold hard logic. For instance I wouldn't get into a business partnership with someone I knew stole a large some of money, even if they did it at the age of 20. Sorry it's too much of a risk. Likewise I would not risk my emotional future on someone who could be welcomed into a families life as a friend and sister, smile and then lie and stab that sister in the back just to satisfy whatever urges were burning at the time. 

Sorry but I would advise anyone not to do it 100% of the time. Sure there is a chance the cheater won't offend again but with the risk to your future kids and potential financial ruin, nah. I know people can get over being in love and having that love end but the damage of having your spouse cheat on you when you have 2 kids and a mortgage effects the course of your whole life. 

There was a time I used to think like you do but then I started to read hundreds of these stories and took note how many times the BS had known before the marriage that their WS had shown terrible character in the past and overlooked it just like you and this fiance. They assumed it was different because they were young, or the stakes were not as high, or even worse they just did love the last person like they loved me. After reading and comparing it to what I know personally about people who behave like this in my life, I just don't buy any of that anymore. Nope now I just think most of the time it's in their nature. At least it is enough of the time that it's worth the assumption. 

Yeah I am a harsh judge, everyone should be when it comes to picking someone you will be spending your life with and giving your entire emotional safety to. That really isn't said out of malice, I just think it's the way it is.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Someone mentioned a book earlier about not being lied to. I am not familiar with that book, but I do recommend the book "Spy the Lie". The authors are former CIA agents who interrogated suspects and questioned all kinds of people for security clearances etc. They give quite a few techniques and tell-tales.

Even a quick read and picking up some of the tell-tales to look for would be helpful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@YearsLater Was it his only affair?

Confrontation and polygraph testing for him.

Then you decide how you want to proceed.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Before you confront, gather any electronic evidence you can. Get his phone and laptop and look at texts, email, browser history, etc. You can install keyloggers on the computer and phone that record all activity and send it to you. What kind of phone/computer does he use?

If you're not technically proficient, find private investigators in your area which can do computer forensics. They can help you get the info even if it has been deleted. 

What is your relationship and family history? How long have you been married and how many kids do you have?


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## YearsLater (Nov 27, 2017)

Thank you all for the advice and support, I haven't had a chance to read through all the responses.

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing. 

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our two kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time. 

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Keep in mind that if you didn't realize he was cheating then, you may not be realizing it now (I didn't for a long time with my ex). For that reason alone you should find out one way or another. You can take the direct approach and just ask him or you can contact him though email or some other online facility and pretend to be her if you don't think you will get a straight answer. You may even want to bring her in on it if she's willing. Tell her she wronged you and that if she really wants to make amends, this is her chance. 

There is also a some (maybe small) chance she is lying even if you don't see any motive for it. For the sake of argument let's say she is lying. If you don't find out the truth, the lie will eat away at you and your marriage.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, it sounds like your husband pretty much got to experience one of the most ultimate fantasies. A 41 year old banging a 20 year old babysitter 2-3 times a week for 6 months, in the most forbidding of circumstances. He probably had the time of his life doing this.

Think about that.

Given what you wrote, I believe this woman. Sounds like you do too. She was young and dumb and feels a ton of guilt, now likely feels a huge relief getting this off her chest. 

Your husband never came clean. Why? Because he knew/knows it would be the end of him if you found out. I mean, come on, it's hard enough to forgive and move on from an affair where sex happened even once. They had sex, what 60 times???

Did you have other babysitters after this? Before this?

The fact he could do that so many times for so long tells me he has zero problem hiding anything from you. I think you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself how well you actually know your husband.

You HAVE to confront him. You have to hear him come clean or it will eat at your soul forever. Rip off the bandaid and get it over with and see what happens.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

YearsLater said:


> I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.


Let's say for argument sake that this was a one time thing could you live with that? Let's say you uncover that he had multi-affairs, is there a number in your head where you have created this line in the sand when you divorce him? you say that you have been together for 17 years and good years at that...but in fact you saw them as good years but what of he? woudl he say the same thing because if you say yes then why have sex with the babysitter...the point being is that something was missing, something was going on in his head that he decided to risk his marriage for her. No you need to address this...this is one rabbit hole you need to follow. I am not suggesting this will lead to divorce but whether you realize it our not your marriage needs help. I am truly sorry your here for this but it needs to be a addressed.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Let's say for argument sake that this was a one time thing could you live with that? Let's say you uncover that he had multi-affairs, is there a number in your head where you have created this line in the sand when you divorce him? you say that you have been together for 17 years and good years at that...but in fact you saw them as good years but what of he? woudl he say the same thing because if you say yes then why have sex with the babysitter...the point being is that something was missing, something was going on in his head that he decided to risk his marriage for her. No you need to address this...this is one rabbit hole you need to follow. I am not suggesting this will lead to divorce but whether you realize it our not your marriage needs help. I am truly sorry your here for this but it needs to be a addressed.


Yes, and frankly 7 years isn't THAT long ago. Especially to someone in their 40s. But this affair may have absolutely nothing to do with a bad marriage. He was 41, and a 20 year old babysitter came onto him for sex. That will test the best of marriages. He couldn't resist the tremendous temptation, and once he broke the seal he couldn't stop. 

Here's something though, OP. You know that this ended because she moved, right? What if she didn't? They might still be screwing today.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Noble1 said:


> Sorry to hear about your situation.
> 
> Unfortunately, even though it did "happen" years ago...for you it happened yesterday.
> 
> ...


But it's worse. Discovering that you've been lied to for seven years compounds the hurt and resentment of the cheating. The OP should start to investigate. If it's true, and it probably is, there may be other women out there who her husband has slept with. He sounds like a guy who knows how to put on the charm.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Let's say for argument sake that this was a one time thing could you live with that? Let's say you uncover that he had multi-affairs, is there a number in your head where you have created this line in the sand when you divorce him?


This can be the beginning of an unhealthy thought process which many of us have experienced. I agree with your questions, but they aren't hypothetical really. He actually did have a 6 month long affair with this other woman. And, I agree that one has to determine a line in the sand. But, I don't think it is wise to build that line on hypotheticals.

The reason is we start moving the goal posts on ourselves. What if he seems repentant for that known affair? Is that enough? But what if there were other affairs, _and he seems repentant for those_? And, what if the other affairs are older? Newer? Quite recent?

What many of us do, and I was guilty of this, is try to avoid the pain of divorce by convincing ourselves that what happened in the past isn't so important as long as the present day is ok. Now we start trying to read the tea leaves to find an escape hatch so as not to have to initiate a divorce. How repentant is the cheater? How much can I hold their feet to the fire without scaring them away? Even worse is when there is uncertainty about current or very recent events. What if there is some indication of a more recent affair, or of multiple older affairs, but not solid proof? If OP can't divorce for the known affair, she can't very well divorce based on uncertain possible affairs! And so those uncertainties become the focus. If she can prove one or more other affairs, that is her new line in the sand. And so the goal posts have been moved already.

YearsLater, my recommendation is to investigate hard and quickly to determine if there may be other affairs. This could include contacting other babysitters. Some deception may be required to elicit confessions from them. Tell them you have some information about H having an affair with them, and you want to see if the stories match. I would also tell the babysitter there is no intention to tell anyone else about this, and you have no desire to make problems of any kind for the babysitter. Note that you will have to ensure there is no opportunity for the babysitters to contact your H before you talk to them! I would review all electronic records if possible, looking for calls to the babysitters at odd times. See if there are archives of emails on his computer or on the ISP's server. Some email providers don't automatically delete emails even if they are deleted on the computer. I would investigate if there may be a current affair in progress. All of this should be done quickly, because you're going to be acting oddly due to the stress right now, and he'll notice. If he says anything, just tell him you're feeling a bit stressed by the holidays, or there's some stress/drama at work, or the politics on tv is getting you down, etc.

But, I would also decide your line in the sand based on what you already know. His affair and his smooth lying about it are known. Is this a deal breaker for you? At the least you will need good MC with someone experienced in processing the trauma of an affair, not a counselor who sweeps it under the rug and moves forward with improving communications or some other bull****.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Since you believe this woman, just tell him you know the truth. Don't ask him. Tell him. Be prepared to hear lies and to know they are lies. Then insist on the truth. Don't let him manipulate you.

I honestly can't imagine what it's like to lie to your spouse for years like this. How can people live with themselves?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

See, the thing is, you'll never have your old marriage back. IF you want to stay married to him and think you can deal with what he did, for YOUR mental health, this needs to be dealt with in a healthy rational way. Marriages are pointless if you aren't going to be 100% honest with each other.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its also very concerning to me that 3 times a week they put the children alone in another room and went off and had sex. What if they had come into the room? Its just not what a good parent ever does.

I just cant understand how you can live with this. I would have confronted him immediately and by now I would have asked him to leave. What he did was disgusting, what he has done since is disgusting, lying to you, deceiving you, and you seem to be sort of trying to explain it by saying well it may have been a mid life crisis. No it was an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter in his own home with his own children left alone in another room caring nothing for their well being. 
Unbelievable. How can you live with a man who could treat you and the children so terribly?? I just don't get it. Its amazing that he hasn't even noticed that you are upset abut something. 

Someone mentioned that this would have tested the strongest of marriages. No, the good moral men who love their wives and children would have rejected her initial advance and made sure they got a different sitter.

If he cheated so easily for so long, and never even told you the truth, then he could easily have done it with more women. He clearly has no integrity, no morals, is a liar, and cares little for you or his children. 

I have no idea why you even want to be with him, he has shown you the sort of man he is, but I guess you are afraid of the consequences and would rather sweep it all under the carpet because you fear change.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Any updates OP? So sorry you are here.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

New to this thread. Feel so sorry for this woman. Hope she is okay.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

YearsLater said:


> Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me.
> 
> Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie.


She found herself a keeper!


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