# Advice, letter of apology.



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Some here already know my story, separated for 2 months. Wife is still hurt and I haven't seen any sign that either she wants to reconcile or that she wants to divorce. She is pretty much healing and asking for time and space.

I sent her a letter 4 weeks ago stating my intentions to reconcile, saying that I was working on myself through couseling, reading books etc. Besides sending her flowers for her graduation 1 week ago, I haven't broken that promise to respect her time and space. 

After two months of counseling and reading books regarding separation and problems in the marriage I have realized a lot of mistakes I have made. I have written down a new letter that addressed all those issues, and apologizing and would like to send it to her but I have doubts.

Do you feel I am not giving her the time and space she is requesting? or do you think is a good idea to send her that letter? should I wait a little longer?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

stbxhmaybe,

In my opinion I wouldn't send the letter. You let her know in your previous letter that you wanted to reconcile and that you love her, you talked about your plans for self improvement which she knows you are doing. At this point I would just keep implementing the changes -- creating new and better habits takes time.

Also, I'm not sure bringing up the past right now is good. By your plan you've already told her you know you needed to change. And since you can't change the past bringing it up is only a reminder of the weaker man you once were. You need to make sure she sees the new stronger man who accepted his faults and improved.

So, I think you shouldn't. As with all advice -- in the end it is your decision. Lead your heart stbxhmaybe, don't follow it.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I just gave a similar letter to my husband. We have been separated 7 months and he is having an affair. If you do it, do it with no expectations and do not try to get a response out of her.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

cmf..is that why you are separated?..and have you noticed any change in him towards you at all in the 7 mos?...just asking since me and wife will be going on 1 1/2 mos of actual physical separation.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

hmmm i can see both sides. Yeah my intentions are just to apologize not to rush things or make her lean towards reconciliation. 

I am still undecided


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I think the idea of _writing_ the letter is a good one, and you should write it. But I have no idea whether you should share it with your wife just yet... maybe you could discuss the letter with your counselor?


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I would write it but probably not send it just yet. I say this because you already sent her the one letter and she might perceive it as you smothering her.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

see how we are unable to see clearly when it's about our own situation LOL! I already wrote it, it sounds like a good idea to share it if we reconcile or divorce.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Stbxhmaybe I think it is an amazing idea writing the letters I think tonight I am write a letter myself but I don't think I am going to be sending it  My H is acting very strange the last couple of days and I am trying desperately not to read to much into it but I am. I was really planning on sending a letter this week or the next but I don't know if it is the right time.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I have also been writing letters to him that I know I wont send to him because I guess it's just too soon and I am trying to give him space. I will write an apology letter to him and see what happens from there. He hasn't try to get in touch with me at all, the times that we have talked it was me reaching him and it didn't go well. I am also debating on how to go about this, and when to send the letter and what exactly to write so I will be asking my therapist when I see her. It has been one month exactly for us since our physical separation so I guess we have more to endure.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

2daughters- Short answer:yes, only I didn't find out about it until 3 months ago. He still denies it... The first 4 months he went back and forth with me, one week wanting to work things out and then being cold and irritable. My emotions were all over the place and I really did everything wrong- demanding a decision, begging him to come home and using guilt trips . Nothing worked because he no longer cared. Once I figured out he was having an affair things really got nasty for about 2 1/2 months- I ended up refusing to speak to him due to his verbal abuse. After I served him with legal papers things started to improve to the point I gave him my apology letter. Things are now back to being cold and distant ( and him being short and irritable with me)- not sure why. I only talk with him about the children. I had no response to my letter.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

cmf said:


> 2daughters- My emotions were all over the place and I really did everything wrong- demanding a decision, begging him to come home and using guilt trips . Nothing worked because he no longer cared.


I was guilty of that before my H left me.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

cmf..that sucks..but it's hard to understand why u'd want him back after an affair so soon?.. when my wife told me she was leaving...and I accused HER of having OM she told me "you wish that was the reason I want to separate so that you won't feel so guilty for treating me the way you do."..At that moment knowing in my heart she was dead-nuts-on I still continued with the OM accusations..when that didn't work I tried using the kid (guilt) angle..she of course said "and I'm not going to feel guilty because of the girls."..I knew then my chances of getting her back were a snowballs chance in hell..I've written her many letters in the days after that but of course no response..the urge to send her something is great but I don't..even today I ordered flowers sent to her work this morning..and what's weird is an hour after ordering, the place called to tell me the flowers would be late and I could send them another day..I cancelled..thinking it was sign not to send them..we do the unexpected when our world get turned upside down I guess.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

2 daughters- Let me clarify. I wanted him home before I knew about the affair. It took me months to find out and my husband said almost the exact same thing to me when I asked him if he was having an affair when he first left. ALMOST WORD FOR WORD. Funny how that happens...For the first 4 months I just could not understand how he could be so cold and unwilling to work things out with me. I certainly know why now. It took me another 3 months to get to a place where I could actually see that I had a part in his turning to someone else and then I wrote the one letter. He has not once aplogized for anything and has had no self realization at all- he's too focused on the affair and blames me for everything. He still continues to deny the affair and he lives with her! A separation should be a time to reflect, it has been for me at least. I think for him it is much easier to just cut his losses and start over with someone new- even after 11 years of marriage.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

I wouldn't send a letter, I know it would not help, at least in my situation.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Ok,

Yeah the more I think about it the less I want to send it. I already voiced my interest about saving our marriage, I already apologized even if not in detail it was heartfelt, I already let her know I am going to counseling and more than that she has seen how much I have changed. 

I have done things that in the past were done because I was expecting a type of acknowledgment, gratification now I do them but not even expecting anything in return. I have given her time and space by not being a negative influence by harassing her, blaming her, or begging to take me back.

I cannot do anything else but do the best thing possible...wait and be there for when she needs me. She knows I love her to the point of accepting my own mistakes and to the point of going to counseling w/o being asked or forced. 

Thank you for your thoughts everybody,


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

no need to send..but then again only you know the real reason/s for the situation you're in..any answer would be a generalized one anyway...so here's one..I wrote a 3 page apology just before she split..and several smaller ones right after..then I have some I haven't sent..also text to her..emails some good some bad..that phase is over and it only took 1 1/2 months..went NC for 5 days 2 weeks ago now I get several text a day from her..started out with lame reasons about our kids..then videos of them..then just text in general..I want to write 1 badly but a separation is a time to breathe for both even though one of you didn't want it..the heart always tells you to send..but listen to your brain..JMO

cmf: if W does have OM she's good because she lives a block from my work and I have to drive past her house everyday..I also stay with a family member 2 blocks from her house and she keeps the kids till I get my place (I see them everyday also)..could be she's gonna wait till I get my place but she wanted me to move 2 houses from where she is renting and I want to get to other end of town...strange lady she is:scratchhead:


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