# Man who screwed up needs advice from Ladies



## mfdldr79 (Oct 12, 2008)

Okay Ladies, I need your advice. We have been married 12 years and together a total of 14, and have 3 beautiful kids. The problem is me. Recently we have had some Issues with my work of which I didnt keep her completely informed of what was going. Long story short (there) my work was causing problems for me, and we would end up debating and then slightly arguing about it. I didnt feel like arguing over it with my wife and began not to tell her all of what was going on. I did this to keep from increasing the stress it was causing (reason, not excuse). After the blow up about that, my wife explained to me she has felt left out of my life for awhile. I asked her to further explain. She then let me know that for quite some time she has felt this way because I dont include her in what goes in our (my) life. 

IE

Finances. I took care of finances and when things were bad, I didnt tell her. I did this again to keep her from stressing out and I also thought I could fix it next week. That didnt always happen.

My work. I would not tell her about things for some of the same reasons above.

After a few long talks, I asked if she wants to work these problems out, and she explained YES, and but she cannot keep doing this. I acknowledged the fact that she is correct, that it is my fault, but also that it was not done out of spite. I apologized, accepted full responsibilty and asked for some time to show her with actions, not words that I will correct this.

She further explained that she feels decieved and that there are trust issues. I agree with her view.

I love my wife with all my being and would do anything to keep our marriage together. Besides the obvious, keeping her included in "our" lives, is there anything else I can do to work towards re-establishing her trust in me. This has hurt her and me both, deeply. I need some Ladies to be honest and tell me. I believe my wife has been honest in all she has told me, but I am looking for others opinion.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You expressed a lot of stress on your part. I think you should communicate this to her so that you can be comfortable letting her in your life. You shouldn't have to just 'deal' with it on your own. This is a partnership and you should feel comfortable telling her how you feel. 

I dont think you should shut her out of course. But i dont think you should ignore how you are feeling just to let her in your life so she can be happy. Make sure you communicate how her actions are affecting you (using "i feel" statements) and find a way that she can be a positive force in your life.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

what a woman wants, communication, honesty and love/friendship in a relationship that can take you through the bad times and the good times. 
i can understand what you have done fully. so can also see her her side. but you know how you can change it for the future. so continue to be open with her. 
another side of this, is that you know your wife better than us. 
so you know how she reacts to situations. so you have also had your reasons for doing what you did. 
but as long as you are speaking and your latest issue is now discussed, you can make that aspect better. because she is asking you to tell her. if she wasnt asking - there would be a different outcome.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

The key is to be HONEST! And not just honest, but to be honest BEFORE she asks you about something. For example, if you are balancing the family's checking account and you notice that there is not a lot of money left after paying the bills, then tell her BEFORE she finds out about it. We women like it when our husband informs us about things before they happen. This makes us feel stable, safe and you are trustworthy. Bottom line, if you are consistent with being honest and letting her know about things before she asks, then she will be able to move on from feeling deceived and eventually, she will trust you again.

Good luck and best wishes!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

mfdldr79 said:


> our (my) life.
> ...
> I apologized, accepted full responsibilty and asked for some time to show her with actions, not words that I will correct this.
> ...
> "our" lives


Just based on the above alone, I would think you still feel that the issue she is having is wanting to be more involved with your life, whereas I think from her perspective it sounds as though she wants more of a partnership within your marriage.

I honestly think you should not be on an island by yourself trying to 'fix' this, but rather start involving her more with finances...have discussions on income/obligations and whether it's her picking up some of that responsibility or just agreeing on how to handle things she needs to feel she is part of the decision making.

As far as talking about work issues, (or any for that matter) my husband and I are both 'fixers' and want to fix the problem when many times we just need to vent and want to be heard...We have both gotten better at just saying 'I'm not asking you to do anything or fix this, I'm just frustrated and need to talk" I can see where she is having trust issues but you also need to trust that when you talk to her, she gives you a safe place to open up. I don't think this distance between you is all your fault...there are things she can do to close the gap as well.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---I did this to keep from increasing the stress it was causing (reason, not excuse).---

This to me, speaks loud and clear! I am betting that at first you WERE "open and honest", but she would freak out with worry, pile even MORE pressure on you (because now you get to worry about the 'what if it DOESN'T turn out OK", and that would only make things worse. You then did what any reasonable logical human being would do, which was to stop telling her things that you knew would make her stress out... ESPECIALLY when those things were minor setbacks, and would improve very soon.

Now I'm all about openness and honesty, but I am pretty confident that you feel very justified in what you didn't tell her. I wager many people who consider themselves to be very open and honest, would probably make a similar choice. Nobody needs more stress and pressure on themselves.

So I think part of your discussions about openness and honesty need to include some kind of provision that she not get worked up and stress you out, because it doesn't help.

If you want to really reach her, phrase it like "and while I completely understand your reaction, and share your anxiety, the extra stress really takes its toll on me and makes me feel worse, and affects my ability to work, and motivates me not to share things with you." You want to emphasize the DIRECT connection between her unfavorable reactions, and your defense, but at the same time, you do not want to make her think that her feelings are wrong because that will just blow up in your face.

I suppose when she does get anxious about the future, reassure her with past successes, and plans you have in place to prevent the bad stuff from happening again. 

Do your best to emphasize the parallel between how GOOD it feels when she praises you (I hope she at least gives you support when you need it) and how comfortable and CLOSE you feel to her.

Think about it: women want openness and honesty (as was said before). So emphasizing the correlation between her getting what she wants, and her positive reinforcement, will hopefully influence the change you want.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

justean said:


> what a woman wants, communication, honesty and love/friendship in a relationship that can take you through the bad times and the good times.
> i can understand what you have done fully. so can also see her her side. but you know how you can change it for the future. so continue to be open with her.
> another side of this, is that you know your wife better than us.
> so you know how she reacts to situations. so you have also had your reasons for doing what you did.
> but as long as you are speaking and your latest issue is now discussed, you can make that aspect better. because she is asking you to tell her. if she wasnt asking - there would be a different outcome.


Oh, is that what they want? I thought it was the checkbook. :rofl:

Yes, I know they want love, honor, trust, and respect. To listen to them when they talk, even when the guy is watching sports on tv.  Oh, and a new BMW parked in the driveway.:awink:


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think i like you honey. but hey were not all after the cheque book. 
as for the BMW, theres to many of them around to be noticed. 
you need to be individual.


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