# sex with stbx



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

This is crazy, but:

I am off meds and have noticed a huge increase in libido, which the lackthereof was an issue during our marriage.

I don't know if it would be mutually agreed upon, but is it common for stbx's to be fwb's?

Or does that just blur the lines and prolong the agony?

I'm asking because it has been a very long time since I have felt this way. And, it's a little too late now...


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jayb,
Trust me brother, when I first started the separation I had the same thought, I mean why not we both know each other, etc. However I think it would be a HUGE emotional setback, it would be a bluring of the lines. I remember after being separated for a month, the stbxw kissed me passionately twice, and while for the brief moment it was enjoyable, it only set me off and set me back big time.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> This is crazy, but:
> 
> I am off meds and have noticed a huge increase in libido, which the lackthereof was an issue during our marriage.
> 
> ...


I have seen some MC suggest it is good for a R and some say to avoid it. Since you are still wanting to R maybe bring it up in MC next time... or maybe even ask your wife.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I have seen some MC suggest it is good for a R and some say to avoid it. Since you are still wanting to R maybe bring it up in MC next time... or maybe even ask your wife.


I'm going to start talking to my wife about us, more directly. Afterall, we have been living as friends for the past 3.5 years. So, if we continue to affirm that we are friends with no chance at R, then why not?

I can understand my wife being reluctant and/or denying this, but, there's no harm in asking.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jayb,
Good luck my brother from another mother, I hope the best. Don't get me wrong, I'm still physically attracted to my stbxw....believe me I've thought about it. I just know for me it wouldn't be good. Plus, If I did that she would still then have the power over me.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Jayb,
> Good luck my brother from another mother, I hope the best. Don't get me wrong, I'm still physically attracted to my stbxw....believe me I've thought about it. I just know for me it wouldn't be good. Plus, If I did that she would still then have the power over me.


Well, I think I will give it some more time before I suggest it. We're in a weird spot right now. After directly telling me yesterday in MC that she has no hope for our marriage, she texted me this am about a possible family vacation. Again, all this under the pretense of Friends.

Coupled with this is my increased libido that hasn't felt this strong in 7 years.

But thanks for your insight.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I just hate that with the arrival of spring, the urges are coming back, and now with the weather turning nice, the shorter outfits she will be wearing when I drop off/pick up the kids. Agh! I have to tell myself she is not what I want, not the person I want anymore.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

If there's no chance at R why do it?

I think it would be unhealthy to get re-involved on that level, then emotions come back, and everything gets complicated.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

yeah, I have to gauge my level of detachment. thing is, 1 day we hear, there is no chance, then the next day, well, i'm not sure.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

If you think you are strong enough emotionally, then just do it. If there's no chance of R, then you will never get to do it with her again. I'm doing it now too. But you have to be strong otherwise you'll be crying a day or two after. 

I have needs and if she can fulfill it then let it be. I won't stop nature. Just use her like she used you, but don't get her pregnant.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

From the female perspective, I will say that sex certainly screws things up emotionally--my stbxh just informed me that sex was just sex. I was devastated, even though I know R was not on the table---we were married and I had more invested emotionally, no matter what other lines I fed myself. My libido increased considerably as well but I think I have to just chalk it up to lonliness. 
I'm almost positive my stbxh is dating or at the very least "having sex" with others---he's gone and I'm still hurting---it does prolong the agony.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I doubt I'll follow through with it. I'll talk to her about it, but just laugh it off. Neither of us has been with anyone since each other a year ago, and we both don't plan on dating anyone anytime in the near future.

And, our relationship over the past couple years has been on the friend level only.

Thanks for all the input.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah man the stbxw visited me at work today to talk about things, she wanted to let me know how bad she felt for all the pain she is putting me through, she said she never imagined it ending like this, or the marriage ending at all. She then hugged me. DUDE! I've been set off today from her hug, I can't imagine what sex would with her would do to me. She looks good, but I just know it would set me back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I think it is a nice crappy idea.

I just know I could not handle it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

In theory, it's a great idea but reality dictates otherwise.

For a LONG time I wanted to have sex with my (separated) husband and was frustrated by his lack of interest. When I stopped caring then I knew that I was on the road to recovery. Not caring or wanting is a relief, not a burden.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

My stbx moved out and wanted to postpone d while we dated and kept trying. Then I found out the other day he was still with ow. I was thinking last night that I still want to have sex with him because I love him, because I want to prove he still wants me and because I could call ow the next day and tell her. Hows that for twisted thinking??


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I'd still love to have sex w/ mine too. He told me that if he ever came home he could never have sex w/ me again. 
Painful.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Mama,
Yesterday the stbxw stopped by the store to talk, she wanted to let me know how much she hurts through all this, etc. Blah Blah Blah. She then hugged me. I realized last night how much the hug hurt, how much it set me off. As much as I find her still sexy, I don't think I could have sex with her. It would destroy me I believe.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

With us, there hasn't been "love-making" in 2 years, although there has been sex. I realize that now. Intimacy was an issue for years. I would say it was the number 1 factor is leading us to where we are now.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jayb,
I also realized that the last 3 months I was together with her even though the frequency of how often we had sex increased, it really didn't mean much to her. It was just her testing out her new body.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

The way I feel this minute, there is no way I could handle it. Nor would my wife be up for it.

I can't tell you how much the WAW syndrome sucks.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

our sex life really dwindled in the last couple of years although I was always up for it - I won't ever have sex with him again, I know that much, just couldn't do it


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think it's almost better to have random sex with a stranger than to go back to the ex......just saying


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Given the hollowness in your hearts, the aura of mistrust, and all the resulting pain that everyone is going through at a time like this, I think there would be absolutely nothing beneficial to gain from having sex with the STBX, more especially if the divorce petition has been filed.

The only situational reason that I'd ever support it would only be if there were a sincere effort and pledge from both parties toward reconciliation and that they were actively engaged in MC. But even in that situation, I'd have to advocate extreme caution!


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

You mean sex with stbxw, knowing that she is sleeping with at least two other men? I will politely say no, absolutely not.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

The day the judge granted our D, stbxh and I hung out most of the day and we ended up having sex. Didn't change any of my feelings, but I think he wanted it to change everything for me. When I told him it's just sex to me, he was a bit crushed. No more of that for me. Originally, I'd give into it just to see if it would make things better for me. It never has. Don't do it, unless you're in total R mode.


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