# How to be more "Romantic in Bed"



## zener (Sep 24, 2021)

Hi newbie here. 
Married 40 years and had the typical ups and downs. Sex has slowed dramatically over the past 4 years. I think it might average once every 2 weeks. 
To not make the story long, when we are in the bed, my wife wants me to be more romantic. This is not being romantic leading up to sex. That I don't have a problem with. Touching, kissing, kind sexy words, holding hands and things like that through the day building up. We do all that and she enjoys it very much. 
Last night we talked about our sex life and how it has fallen off, mostly for life issues. She commented that I should be more romantic and we discussed sex, fantasies, positions etc. I asked what she meant by more romantic in bed. She said, you know, turn me on more. Again I asked how? What are you wanting? I got the eye roll and a look of frustration.
I tell her how sexy she is and how much I love making love with her and what a turn on she is to me, all while making love. I mean, I am at a loss at this point. She does not seem to be able or maybe willing, to tell me what she is wants more from me in bed. 
How do I be more romantic??


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Your wife is like a lot of wives and like mine use to be, they think that you should be able to read their minds. She wants to to come up with what she wants on your own which is freaking impossible. This is a question only she can answer because it will be different for each woman. Keep after her to tell you what she wants.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Asking a woman to tell you what she wants in bed is generally a dead end brick wall. It is also a big turn off to ask them that. She wants you to take control and do things to her but not be responsible for those actions. She would rather do something freaky but be able to assign the responsibilities of doing that to you.

“Well yeah I had a screaming orgasm while screwing a huge 12” black dildo but he is the one that made me do it .... so that’s no morality off my back .... that was him”

Romance is fantastic but in this case she said it as a defense mechanism against your question.

Rule #1 : They never want responsibility for the hot freaky girl that is hidden inside them.


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## zener (Sep 24, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Your wife is like a lot of wives and like mine use to be, they think that you should be able to read their minds. She wants to to come up with what she wants on your own which is freaking impossible. This is a question only she can answer because it will be different for each woman. Keep after her to tell you what she wants.


Exactly right, she does want me to read her mind but even with that she would probably be unhappy. Mostly because it would have not been my idea. She told me that she should not have to tell me what to do. Gee whiz. I tell her lol.
I think I have to catch her in the right mood to have a conversation and have it not sound like a police interrogation.


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## zener (Sep 24, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Asking a woman to tell you what she wants in bed is generally a dead end brick wall. It is also a big turn off to ask them that. She wants you to take control and do things to her but not be responsible for those actions. She would rather do something freaky but be able to assign the responsibilities of doing that to you.
> 
> “Well yeah I had a screaming orgasm while screwing a huge 12” black dildo but he is the one that made me do it .... so that’s no morality off my back .... that was him”
> 
> ...


Yes that freaky woman is in there, and she has been out a few times. And you are right, anytime she has done anything she considers "kinky" it has been blamed on me and credited to me a few also. 
It's just hard when she wants it and I'm not sure how to provide. The foreplay and leading up is always fun for both of us but she like most women need lots of personal attention to charge her up for the bed play. Asking for more romance when in the final stage is tough for me to figure out.


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## DrummerCD (Sep 22, 2021)

Maybe what she wants is for you to initiate without telling her but just starting to touch or kiss her. Massage can help too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I cannot know what she will find romantic and arousing for her in bed. 

But I have a real good idea on what she will find a turn off, and that will be you asking her what turns her on in bed and her having to instruct you on what turns her on.

She doesn’t want to have to mentor you, tutor you or instruct you.

She wants you to just do it. 

Yes that is a bit of a catch 22 and probably not fair to you, but very few women actually want to have to explain to men how to please them in bed. They want you to just instinctively do it.


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## zener (Sep 24, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I cannot know what she will find romantic and arousing for her in bed.
> 
> But I have a real good idea on what she will find a turn off, and that will be you asking her what turns her on in bed and her having to instruct you on what turns her on.
> 
> ...


Oh believe me, I know that asking her what she wants is a turn off. Especially in the middle of sex. Then there is the turn off that happens to me when she expresses her unhappiness with my performance. The Peg Bundy saying "get busy Al" then saying "You're doing it all wrong Al" is a mood killer too. lol


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Playing a sexual game of "20 questions" can be a waste of time depending on how well you guess and how your spouse reacts if you guess wrong. If you can handle sexual rejections it can also we treated as a "great trial and error social science experiment."

Perhaps being honest and discussing that you aren't sure what kind of "romantic" activities she is hoping for, but are willing to try different things until you guess correctly, if and only if she will she will not over-react to things you try that she doesn't want.

If this isn't acceptable, download a yes, no maybe list of sexual activities and select say the first 10. Print them out and tell your spouse that you are going to select "romantic" things to do in bed from the following list. Tell he that they are not in the order you intend to do them. Then ask her to cross off any that she doesn't want.

Good luck.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

you and your wife do this OP





__





We Should Try It - online sex questionnaire for couples







www.weshouldtryit.com


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Female here, I’m pretty direct and like to state my needs or turn offs clearly. My husband does the same. She shouldn’t be rolling eyes and expecting you to magically know. If she’s pulling away, ease up on every romantic gesture during the day as well and just back off. That should give her the hint that her behaviour isn’t that sexy either. It’s silly at her age and if you’ve been married that long she should be trying hard too to make you (and her) happy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's a no win situation. Good luck!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

zener said:


> *She told me that she should not have to tell me what to do*.





Mr.Married said:


> Asking a woman to tell you what she wants in bed is generally a dead end brick wall. It is also a big turn off to ask them that. *She wants you to take control and do things to her but not be responsible for those actions*. She would rather do something freaky but be able to assign the responsibilities of doing that to you


She gave you the answer. And Mr Married is exactly on target. So you have the path forward and your wife needn't ( and won't) say another word. The eye roll is all you should need. The frequency has dropped because she is bored. She is craving some more excitement ( not good if left unanswered).

It is a little surprising that after four decades you haven't twisted every possible dial and flipped every switch several times. But, think of the things you haven't tried and just do them. There might be things you tried before that she didn't care for but craves now. At your age (guessing 60s, maybe she is having an "awakening" from hormonal changes.

She is saying she wants you to turn her on more. It sounds like she needs more arousal to a higher pitch for a longer time. To me, that sounds like she wants more foreplay, spend more time arousing her. Maybe in different ways. Do you own any sex toys? If not, maybe you need to buy some.

How about doing her in places other than the bedroom? Like in different rooms, in the car, at a hotel. on the kitchen table? If you think about it, surely you can come up with some ways to spice that up.

Just let your imagination run, and start leading her, stop asking any more questions. As the male, you are supposed to know.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

zener said:


> Oh believe me, I know that asking her what she wants is a turn off. Especially in the middle of sex. *Then there is the turn off that happens to me when she expresses her unhappiness with my performance*. The Peg Bundy saying "get busy Al" then saying "You're doing it all wrong Al" is a mood killer too. lol


So stop asking her! *Especially* in the middle of sex! Women like confidence.

But what does the sentence in bold mean? What about your performance makes her unhappy? 

You have some work ahead of you and some things you have let slide over the last four years. Do some homework and think about what has changed over the last few years.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

It happens before the bed. It happens throughout the day... throughout the week.

Every day, multiple times a day, I will just reach out to my wife to tell her I love her, I think she's sexy, give her a little butt pinch, rub her shoulder, give her a quick smooch... all of these things that say, "I see you there, sexy girl. Still crazy about you." I'm helping to set the tone of the relationship. We're fun, playful, sexy, cute.... we're nauseating. What I don't do is get lost in my work, ignore her, only pay attention to the kids... and then plop down in bed at the end of the day and initiate sex. That's just a recipe for disaster.

I wrote a book about this. You can check it out here: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t wear your socks to bed.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Asking to turn her on is a horrible way to say. I personally think it is just an excuse to turn you down for sex. no loving person would say this. If she truly wants to be sexually intimat with you she will guide you, tell you, show you what she wants you to do.

If my wife told me "do something to turn me on" this would kill any my desire for her and I won't have any sex with her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Asking to turn her on is a horrible way to say. I personally think it is just an excuse to turn you down for sex. no loving person would say this. If she truly wants to be sexually intimat with you she will guide you, tell you, show you what she wants you to do.
> 
> If my wife told me "do something to turn me on" this would kill any my desire for her and I won't have any sex with her.


I agree. 

Does she display a selfish, entitled attitude towards you in other areas as well?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

zener said:


> Hi newbie here.
> Married 40 years and had the typical ups and downs. Sex has slowed dramatically over the past 4 years. I think it might average once every 2 weeks.
> To not make the story long, when we are in the bed, my wife wants me to be more romantic. This is not being romantic leading up to sex. That I don't have a problem with. Touching, kissing, kind sexy words, holding hands and things like that through the day building up. We do all that and she enjoys it very much.
> Last night we talked about our sex life and how it has fallen off, mostly for life issues. She commented that I should be more romantic and we discussed sex, fantasies, positions etc. I asked what she meant by more romantic in bed. She said, you know, turn me on more. Again I asked how? What are you wanting? I got the eye roll and a look of frustration.
> ...


Maybe she is trying to ask for more foreplay before the actual PIV sex. Many people are shy about talking about sex.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

zener said:


> She told me that she should not have to tell me what to do


Translation: I don't know what would do it. I just know that what I'm getting isn't doing it for me.

Since she can't or won't tell you, feel free to try out new ideas. If she still complains, tell her that it is her turn to spice things up. Put the ball back in her court.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I start with large amounts of CBD oil or Alvocado oil and give wife a rubdown. Oil up my left knee and climb over her with knee between her crothc where she can grind if she wants and work over back, neck and shoulders very good. Then step off bed and start again from the toes up. Then the strokes go from back of knees all the way to shoulders and over to sides and back down. 

Plenty of oil and after a bit start running those up strokes more to inside of thighs and up agai st her and through the but crack. As she is more aroused she will start her wiggle i love soo much as my hands approach her groin/ass area in anticipation of me getting there. 

If she is there before i finish with her, she will slide back on edge of bed on her knees and plead for me to start on her. Or i will have her turn over and start with the oil on her inner thighs and move in and give her a yoni massage. Usually by then i give in to her pleas or she atracks me and drags me on top of her.

Watch youtube videos on yoni massages and oral sex techniques. My wife has usually had multiple orgasms by the time i even start PIV with her. She tells me she is addicted to me and wants to have at least daily sex until our anniversary in May. But i tend to her needs in ♠ before mine.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you tried something like this:

LED candles
Mood music (Careless Whisper)
Rose petals on bed
Terry cloth slippers and robe on a towel warmer
Hentai extreme tentacle dildo

Maybe not all of them go together… 🤔


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## zener (Sep 24, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I agree.
> 
> Does she display a selfish, entitled attitude towards you in other areas as well?


Well I guess some but I guess that can go both ways. I think some of her “entitled attitude “ may come from being an only child.


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## zener (Sep 24, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Translation: I don't know what would do it. I just know that what I'm getting isn't doing it


Yes I think that is what she really means.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

OMG man…DAMN! Just take her…take her and make love to her like the world is ending and this is your last chance to make love ever again! 

Why is this so difficult?  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hentai extreme tentacle dildo


Check.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Z, when your wife sez she wants you to be more romantic in bed, she doesn't exactly mean be more romantic in bed. She means be more romantic long before bed. "Bed" is the finale of warming her up hours before. She doesn't need to be dry as the Mojave Desert, with you hoping a little foreplay will create an oasis. Additionally, you don't have to read your woman's mind to know what she wants. Read her body my man. You've got 40 years experience with what works, tune into her face and look at her expressions and skin color as you do "romantic" things. Be the dominate one. Too many men are waiting for their women to lead.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

zener said:


> Hi newbie here.
> Married 40 years and had the typical ups and downs. Sex has slowed dramatically over the past 4 years. I think it might average once every 2 weeks.
> To not make the story long, when we are in the bed, my wife wants me to be more romantic. This is not being romantic leading up to sex. That I don't have a problem with. Touching, kissing, kind sexy words, holding hands and things like that through the day building up. We do all that and she enjoys it very much.
> Last night we talked about our sex life and how it has fallen off, mostly for life issues. She commented that I should be more romantic and we discussed sex, fantasies, positions etc. I asked what she meant by more romantic in bed. She said, you know, turn me on more. Again I asked how? What are you wanting? I got the eye roll and a look of frustration.
> ...


Sometimes don't worry about the romance, but getting into the passionate sex mode, no romance is desired by women at times, just take me now big guy.

Try both. Without asking.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sometimes don't worry about the romance, but getting into the passionate sex mode, no romance is desired by women at times, just take me now big guy.
> 
> Try both. Without asking.


Ha ha it wasn’t me this time that drug up the zombie 🧟‍♀️ 🤣🤣🤣


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She has to use her words. Rolling her eyes and heaving a big dramatic sigh is not just unhelpful, it's immature. You guys have been married for a long time. I know it's embarrassing to talk about sex. I get that. But when your relationship is having trouble, she's gotta pull up her big girl panties, take a deep breath and power through. It's not like you're going to leave her because she said something too kinky. (Right? That wouldn't happen? Asking for a friend...)


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Don’t jump the PIV. Kiss for a while, look at her in her eyes. Kiss her neck. Enjoy her breasts. Go slow, there is no rush. 
I love both being baked on top of the covers and just setting that romantic mood. When my partner looks at me like I’m the most beautiful thing in the world, it’s amazing.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Try treading some erotica. Those books are made to women. Try to get in their mind and see what they want.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Some men are so good at being romantic, its very natural to them. And others don’t have a clue. 

I’ve met many men along the way that just make me smile the way they talk about their wife’s. Like you would think they are angels from heaven. 

My one co-worker once told me that he believes his wife was put on this earth to make people fall in love, because she is so charming and beautiful and he’s the luckiest guy in the world. He is a good looking, high earning man. When I met his wife I was blown away bc she was not what I expected. She was just an average women, not ugly, not really pretty, pretty overweight. He was way more attractive than she was. But he believes she’s the most beautiful women in the world and he treats her that way. Its really nice. 

Romance is a mindset. It’s difficult to get in tuned with it, if it’s not natural to you. But it’s all in the mind, then it comes out naturally in action. 


I was seeing this super sensual romantic guy once and he told me he loves blow jobs because they are luxuriant. They make him feel like a king and he liked to relax and just enjoy the beauty of the moment. He obviously did the same to me. But it’s like enjoying the moment, not rushing to the finish line.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Guys ….. yo check the thread date 😜


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