# Something..



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

that I am scared of with the Plan B no contact...is He knows what I am doing?

Ok maybe he doesn't have a clue.. but for some reason today I have convinced myself that he knows exactly what I am doing :scratchhead: Argh, I hate this, I hate feeling so weak...

I want him to notice that I've not been in contact and for him to wonder why.. to really miss me.. but I am not sure he's going too, I mean I know I have nothing to lose now, he's told me he wants a 'D' and really I have no other option but to do this..

Anyone have an Plan B success Stories??


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I was wondering the same....1 week and no contact with H. (i mean it's been 5 days but it'll be a week on Wed) he has no idea what i have been up to. Does he miss talking to me or he realized he can live without talking to me ...i'll find out on Wed i guess.
So scared of what he will tell me...i can barely sleep /eat again...i have to survive these 2 days somehow .


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

The not knowing is driving me nuts  Does he call to talk to your girls? My H calls in the evenings to talk to the children.
It breaks my heart when the phone gets handed to me and he just says "Alright, thanks, have a nice night" then hangs up, this man used to adore me, he told me that the Bruno Mars song "Just the way you are" Reminded him of how he used to feel about me... Used to...? 
He has texted me in the past couple of weeks telling me a song came on the radio and it reminded him of me... and now he doesn't want to be with me? It just doesn't make sense?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Good morning...been living in limbo land without much contact beyond whats necessary for about 2 months...sucks!!!

We did chat over FB the other night, first time we've talked about us in a long tme...not sure what good it was, but it was a start...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

DjF said:


> Good morning...been living in limbo land without much contact beyond whats necessary for about 2 months...sucks!!!
> 
> We did chat over FB the other night, first time we've talked about us in a long tme...not sure what good it was, but it was a start...


2 months?! Sheesh  and I am moaning about 3 days!

I wish he was still saying he was confused ... rather than saying he has no desire to fix us


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I've done just about everything on my end to fix things, it is all up to her now...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmImad said:


> The not knowing is driving me nuts  Does he call to talk to your girls? My H calls in the evenings to talk to the children.
> (


Yes he calls every night,when he can he even calls morning and night to talk with my 5 years old,yesterday she asked him if he wants to say something to her little 1 years old sister,she put the phone up to her ear and that little thing started smiling on her dads voice.It was so sweet but broke my heart thinking that this could be it,...phone calls...it's a shame.
He does not talk to me ,my daughter picks up the phone and hangs up the phone...before when we were talking he would call me mornings on his way to work...only then he sounds OK in a better mood or else at night he is very irritable and i also don't want to talk to him.

---------------
I have just finished writing another email to him ,haven't send it yet but I'm planning to ...tonight. F..it ,you know...it can't do more damage .Again...i'm not begging but giving examples of peoples lives,what went wrong in way...what could be done to fix things,how i know for sure things will be if we get back together...just doing the thinking...
I'll send it a little later towards the end of his shift.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

DjF said:


> I've done just about everything on my end to fix things, it is all up to her now...


Well he was the one that walked out on me, I've held out the olive branch, done everything I can... apart from no contact.. I was a text stalker before 

He is the one saying it's over, I just dont know what to do any more, other than plod along. Hoping that he will come to his senses.. I hate that he is the one that gets to make the decision.

But I guess with the no contact, he isn't controlling me. xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

---------------
I have just finished writing another email to him ,haven't send it yet but I'm planning to ...tonight. F..it ,you know...it can't do more damage .Again...i'm not begging but giving examples of peoples lives,what went wrong in way...what could be done to fix things,how i know for sure things will be if we get back together...just doing the thinking...
I'll send it a little later towards the end of his shift.[/QUOTE]

-----------------

Ok, well on advice from Affaircare, she told me to stop all of that. 

He knows you love him and you want it to work.. although you're not 'begging' you are 'trying' to convince him  I didn't see it like that at first, I was just trying to show him how good it could be, remind him of what we used to be like when we were happy and how we could be again. 
Now I know our situations are different Sweety, but you have to try and stop this  I have people telling me everyday NOT to contact him in ANY way (Crank does a fine job telling me off!) We may not be talking to each other, but emails are still contact.. 

I sent my H one on Friday:

I know that you are at work and probably very busy, but I would really
appreciate it if you could read this and reply, even if it's a very sort email
or text.

What you said the other day about you being done, I would like to know if you
really meant it 100% or if there is still some confusion on your part?

The thing is, I was really looking forward to spending this evening with you,
and really looking forward to doing things with the kids over the weekend, I
enjoy our family time together, when we do get on we do really well.


I re-read the email you sent me and you said when we're doing well and the fog
starts to lift I push, and I have and I am a twat for doing it rather than
letting the fog lift completely and letting you see anything clearly I jump on
it.


I'd really like to just try and get on without the talks about relationships and
the 'I love you's' which I know I am guilty of, just to spend some nice time
together and see how we go.


If you are adament that there is nothing there, that's fine. But I don't want us
to just change and give everything up on an uncertainty.

If things were to change and feelings were to change then the 'I miss you's and
the I love you's' would come later..


I know you've heard it all before, that I wouldn't discuss how I felt, and yet I
did anyways. well I am sorry for that, I have actually had it drummed now, that
I shouldn't be doing it.. after all you know how I feel about you so I don't
need to reinforce that.

Thank you for your time.

This was his reply:

I don't really know what to say at this point. We've been round and round and I'm not able to see a way out of this, or much of a desire to do so. I think you and I doing things together has confused things for you. I didn't realise that was where you thought we were.

You've written this heartfelt email and I feel awful just keeping it short but there's not much for me to say now.

So now I just don't bother.. he can't give me the answers I want to hear, and because of that I hurt more and more...
Now I think I am just going to let him chase me (if that's what he wants ofc) All my emails/texts/calls aren't going to make him change or make up his mind any faster :scratchhead:

I have apologised countless times for my part in our downfall, told him all the things I am changing about myself because of all of this...I've told him I am not willing to give up on us yet... 

BUT if he doesn't want 'us' I have no other choice.. Sorry if I seem harsh Sweety, I am just trying to share the wisdom others have bestowed on me xxx


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmImad ...i have the feeling i will be joining you on Wed with the waiting game.

This man has loved me so much over the years,,,there was not a thing that he wouldn't do for me,he spoiled the heck out of me,have always said how proud he is of me,how inteligent and smart I am how sexy I am,how much he loves me...we would even argue with "I love you more" he would always insist he loves me more.... well i guess I finally won that game huh? 

It's just all so bizzare  ,i would never in a million years believe that I would chase someone to be with me ...i would've never believed that. I have never done it in my life.I have had boyfriends before him but i was the one to break up with them...i was not mean though and there were valid reasons.
BTW when H. and I met i was engaged to another guy...he fought for me to steal me from that other guy...i have always though that this was supposed to happen that it was the right thing....was it!?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Once a month or so I'll ask her out...she just usually ignores the invite...I'll send her a few emails,mostly asking questions about finances, telling her something about our 16 year old...I try not to get her to talk about "us" unless she starts that...she usually doesn't...

She says she wants to work on the marriage but that I need to be patient...I hate that my life revolves around waiting for her to decide when...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> I hate that my life revolves around waiting for her to decide when.


yeah this is one thing that I have made sure he knows that it's not going to happen....I think I bluffed again but made myself clear on the last conversation...it might bite me on the butt but I've said it...i told him that if his answer is NO on Wed than he will have to say "good buy"to ever having me back and that i will do everything possible to forget him...he just said "i know" in a very irritable way.I've told him that he had plenty of time to decide what he wants ,i don't think a month or 2 more would make a huge difference in his decision.

But at the end if he says NO i'm pretty sure i'll be in the same game of waiting again...it's just that i'm going to be waiting in a different way.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Vivea: I was the same, I haven't been single since I was 12!! Seriously that's shocking and I have never been 'dumped' before in my life!

Do you both ever wonder why we put ourselves through this? That maybe there is something bigger and better out there for us? 

I do believe in fate and karma, things happening for a reason, but seriously with the amount of crap I have been going through I feel like I must have been Hitler in a former life!!!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I'm probable going to be patient until the end of the school year, then give her an ultimatum...I don't want to be off all summer dealing with this!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> But at the end if he says NO i'm pretty sure i'll be in the same game of waiting again...it's just that i'm going to be waiting in a different way.


Yeah the waiting I am doing is Plan B now  I don't like it one bit, the thing is, my H for all the **** he's pulled is a nice person to talk to (I am sure that doesn't make sense!) But we just 'get' each other (thats something I hope he misses) we have the same sense of humour, we make each other laugh... BUT right now I CANT be his friend..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> Sorry if I seem harsh Sweety, I am just trying to share the wisdom others have bestowed on me xxx


Gosh i think i just needed that,you're right I will not send the email...i have said what i wanted to say a numerous times...really convincing is a form of begging. Thank you for opening my eyes!

Although the email was really good...maaan i hope i will not change my mind later..you know when you're alone and go crazy everything goes out the window.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

vivea said:


> Gosh i think i just needed that,you're right I will not send the email...i have said what i wanted to say a numerous times...really convincing is a form of begging. Thank you for opening my eyes!
> 
> Although the email was really good...maaan i hope i will not change my mind later..you know when you're alone and go crazy everything goes out the window.


you could send it to me...just in case I want to use it later on!!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Gosh i think i just needed that,you're right I will not send the email...i have said what i wanted to say a numerous times...really convincing is a form of begging. Thank you for opening my eyes!
> 
> Although the email was really good...maaan i hope i will not change my mind later..you know when you're alone and go crazy everything goes out the window.


Ohh don't I just... Like when I texted back last night *hangs head in shame* Affaircare said I was addicted to contacting my H, and do you know what she was right! 

I would be sat thinking of things I wanted to say to him.. I've texted him once today, to tell him how our daughter was.. that's it, before I was asking how his day was... telling him I missed him etc.. I pray it gets easier!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm thinking in my case he's on the fence,should he or shouldn't he .That is why i'm trying,if he wasn't on the fence i don't think i would be writing . I mean is it really a bad idea to send him an Email,i mean what is there to lose...
Gosh...should I ,this is going to be my last try anyways...May be all it takes is for him to really believe me that things will change and we can do it...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> I'm thinking in my case he's on the fence,should he or shouldn't he .That is why i'm trying,if he wasn't on the fence i don't think i would be writing . I mean is it really a bad idea to send him an Email,i mean what is there to lose...
> Gosh...should I ,this is going to be my last try anyways...May be all it takes is for him to really believe me that things will change and we can do it...


My Darling, I still kinda think that my H is on the fence too, as he's been all over the place, but I still had to stop. I can see where you are coming from seriously! OK this is the way I see it, because people have told me straight and it's starting to sink in.. You are letting him have his cake and eat it.. Ok there isn't another woman, but he is having fun living his single life whilst you are Mummy and Daddy to your girls (this is what is happening in my life too) 

Now, if you are sending him these nice emails letting him know that you are there for him, and you can with work make it work, that things will change, you both can be happy like before..you are his safety net.. (again I know I have done these things over and over) while you're doing these things he's not going to be in any major hurry, you need to try and do what I am doing.. Don't email.. don't tell him you can make it work..etc.. he needs to see that you're moving on with or without him.. he needs to be scared that he is going to lose you.. You need to move that fence.. does that make sense?

I am sooo much like you Sweety believe me, saying well if I email what have I got to lose... the answer to that is Self preservation... I myself am only just learning, I mean seriously Affaircare, over on my thread just gave me a real talking too! So ok I am not the best person in the world to give advice, but I am an outsider looking in, if you was my girlfriend over here and telling me all of this, I would say the same.. I am good at giving advice, just not listening and taking my own xxx


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OK again ...i think you're right....i think i told him a lot in my last Email and may be it's enough.He thanked me for which....i hope he reads it again ...i really worry that he has no time to think about it.Really ,he works 12 hrs shifts 6 days in a row,stressful busy job and his only day off is Wed. ...when he is supposed to talk to me that is why i wanted to tell him some stuff and help him out.
Ugh...Wed. is coming and i'm freaking out. 

I'm not going to send it,i'm not going to send it... i just have to repeat this 100 more times.
Thanks girl! love ya !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

God that was Deep! Why the hell am I not listening to myself!

Don't make my mistakes Huni! Learn from them! x


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Good advice, I know when I stopped contacting the wife, she started contacting me more...I need to go back to less contact again!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> OK again ...i think you're right....i think i told him a lot in my last Email and may be it's enough.He thanked me for which....i hope he reads it again ...i really worry that he has no time to think about it.Really ,he works 12 hrs shifts 6 days in a row,stressful busy job and his only day off is Wed. ...when he is supposed to talk to me that is why i wanted to tell him some stuff and help him out.
> Ugh...Wed. is coming and i'm freaking out.
> 
> I'm not going to send it,i'm not going to send it... i just have to repeat this 100 more times.
> Thanks girl! love ya !



Believe I understand. My H has a really stressful job too, he works bloody hard, and he is quite high up and is under alot of pressure. I didn't think he had time to think about us, but really, if they want us they'll make time.. us emailing them, isn't confirming it's kinda badgering... not that we see it that way!

I've asked my H to keep my emails and texts so he could re-read them, I have asked him to tell me if he feels different about me to tell me and he's promised he will. Thats all I can ask xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

DjF said:


> Good advice, I know when I stopped contacting the wife, she started contacting me more...I need to go back to less contact again!


I need to listen to myself!! lol


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

sometimes I listen to my head, other times my heart...not my chance I let other body parts do any thinking lately...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> sometimes I listen to my head, other times my heart...


My head says wipe your hands, my heart says love is strong, and I love her, bloody heart


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> My head says wipe your hands, my heart says love is strong, and I love her, bloody heart


It's crap isnt it?! Look at me giving advice that may actually help somone... I can't get through a day without crying lol


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> It's crap isnt it?! Look at me giving advice that may actually help somone... I can't get through a day without crying lol


Sent a msg to my boys, via facebook, told them their mum sent me an email, and I would see them as soon as I could, thats when the tears just about started.

So much to do now, power & gas will need to be connected, get internet access, have to get fridge, bed, lounge suit from my sister, got to buy cooking pots & pans, basically set up house again, and thats after I spend the next day or two sorting things out where I am now (prescription repeats, letter from dr, mobile phone blah blah blah!!)

We are all pretty good at giving decent advice, but our own feelings make it hard for us to take our own advice


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I can give pretty good advice to people when i can concentrate ...i think I've done pretty good myself so far....it's just these moments under pressure that could cloud my thinking.

I find myself trying to become him for a moment and think how would i act or react if I was him ...would i like this or that.I have been upset at him in numerous occasions ,he would write me pretty strong Emails and that would change my mind...but i never stopped loving him...so again not the same case.

----
I have not cried a lot for the last 2 days...i guess the hope keeps me going at the moment...but if he says NO on Wed ...OMG i'll be devastated beyond words...i will need some serious help and medication.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crank: at least all those things will keep you busy & your mind working! I wish I was in a position to move house  
Vivea: you're doing an amazing job! Again I understand, but these men our husbands are right now... They're not the husbands we love & married... So what we 'think' they think & feel maybe completely different to what they 'actually' do.. If that makes sense? It's 00:33am here, I'm still not sleeping well so Lord knows if this makes sense! Lol xx much love to you all xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Crank: at least all those things will keep you busy & your mind working! I wish I was in a position to move house


Keep in mind that I moved out of my house under duress, now I am moving back in.

Has kept me real busy today, thats for sure !



> Vivea: you're doing an amazing job! Again I understand, but these men our husbands are right now... They're not the husbands we love & married... So what we 'think' they think & feel maybe completely different to what they 'actually' do.. If that makes sense? It's 00:33am here, I'm still not sleeping well so Lord knows if this makes sense! Lol xx much love to you all xx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


makes perfect sense, they may change their habits a little, but the automatic habits will continue for the time being at least unless they make a conscious effort to change themselves.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Keep in mind that I moved out of my house under duress, now I am moving back in.
> 
> Has kept me real busy today, thats for sure !
> 
> ...


I bloody love my stupid thick headed husband! I may have had some wine.. And now I'm trying very hard not to send him a good night msg.. I know I shouldn't.. But I want h to know I'm thinking of him *sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

don't do it girl...you'll regret it tomm
that is why i do not drink at the moment,i think it makes me more depressed and i miss him...i guess I'm not going to drink for a long time ... the good times are over for a while..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I bloody love my stupid thick headed husband! I may have had some wine.. And now I'm trying very hard not to send him a good night msg.. I know I shouldn't.. But I want h to know I'm thinking of him *sigh*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah, and I love my W, but turn ya damned phone off and go have a sleep.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> yeah, and I love my W, but turn ya damned phone off and go have a sleep.


Yes Sir 

Vivea: you're right, oh I just give up now 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

remember yesterday when you said you should listen to your own advice....LISTEN!!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

DjF said:


> remember yesterday when you said you should listen to your own advice....LISTEN!!!


I know, I know. *hangs head in shame* sorry  x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

No reason to hang your head in shame, any man would be lucky to have you...your love is very powerful...most men would kick your husband in the azz for being such a fool!!!

just don't turn to the dark side and phone/email him!!!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

you know, thinking about this no contact thing....look at it this way, they left..why should we suffer and work so hard to get them back...fork them, they should be working to win us back!!

thus the no contact rule...make them work as we go on with our lives!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Yes Sir


of course I am 



> Vivea: you're right, oh I just give up now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no, do not give up, just don't pursue, there is a big difference, don't hope everthing turns out the way you want, but don't give up... or you know what you will get


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> you know, thinking about this no contact thing....look at it this way, they left..why should we suffer and work so hard to get them back...fork them, they should be working to win us back!!
> 
> 
> > :iagree: , exactly how it should be, about time it was not but a wish, about time to be proactive.
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you everyone. I am just on such a rollercoaster. I think ok, no contact, maybe he'll get upset and notice & try to contact me... But he hasn't.. It's been 6 days & all he asks about are the kids.. Im starting to wonder if he cares at all. I'm hurting, thinking that he can just chuck away 15 years... I just don't know any more 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Thank you everyone. I am just on such a rollercoaster. I think ok, no contact, maybe he'll get upset and notice & try to contact me... But he hasn't.. It's been 6 days & all he asks about are the kids.. Im starting to wonder if he cares at all. I'm hurting, thinking that he can just chuck away 15 years... I just don't know any more
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he is probably in much the same position as you, but he work to keep him busy, as I said to you before, it is too early for you two to talk...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> he is probably in much the same position as you, but he work to keep him busy, as I said to you before, it is too early for you two to talk...


Possibly  we texted this am. I am am idiot, I told him 'we missed him' he never replied.
Then later texted asking if he's having the kids on Sunday. I hurt 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Gosh...that's the worst...to text something like that not have a response...
I stopped saying, texting ,writing in emails " I love you " "miss you "...
When i do say it (like last night) ,I knew that he is not going to respond that way and i was prepared and not hurt ,i know he doesn't miss me at that point...obviously.

crank is right...it's too early...6 days for us are 6 months ...for them 6 minutes.. :/


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## skinnymini (Jan 27, 2011)

My husband packed his bags and left two weeks ago (we have been married 28 years), he has been in touch with our grown up children and asks how I am. I have now made the same mistake and text him twice to say how much I love and miss him. It is so painful not to be in touch. But after reading all the comments on this thread I will have to stay focused and not contact him. 
His last words to me were that he wanted a clean break......but I so much want our marriage to work. 
How do you cope with the pian and hurt?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Today he said that if anything changes in the way he feels he'll tell me, but he doesn't see it happening, I hurt so much, I'm sobbing my heart out. Think that's it for me, I'm done, he doesnt want me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

My H. told me that kind of things a few times....but than he will ask for more time....so weird...
I'm sorry girl...i know how awful that is...
((((HUGS)))


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Today he said that if anything changes in the way he feels he'll tell me, but he doesn't see it happening, I hurt so much, I'm sobbing my heart out. Think that's it for me, I'm done, he doesnt want me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


while that may, or may not be the case, there are others that do want you, and they want you for you the person.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> while that may, or may not be the case, there are others that do want you, and they want you for you the person.


I doubt it, but a girl can dream... I hope, that one day, I'll look back on this and think what was all the fuss about.. Why did I try so hard..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My post from coping with infidelity thread..

I am sat so angry right now, my two eldest children are really poorly, he only found out by seeing someone comment on my face book, it was 22:15pm and he texts to see if he could talk to them.. seriously?.. he hasn't bothered with them and doesn't give a crap..

He said he didnt call at their bedtime as I missed his call last night (even though I said call back) he couldnt coz he was out with his mate.. He said so he didn't call tonight we were one for one... ERRRRR WTH?! I just said "You don't give a **** lets face it, they deserve so much better. I am not going to reply again, I dont want to say anything out of anger. Like I said Thank you for MY babies. Have a lovely night
He said "Go on, get it off your chest. It must be important otherwise you wouldnt be such a **** about it"

I am not ****ing replying, that's what he wants Seriously I am beginning to really really hate this man with a passion! Not because of what he has done to me, but what he is doing to my children..

I am sorry for having a rant... I have turned my phone off...

Things like this... these are the things where I wonder why the hell I am sooo upset over him, it's all a game to him, a power trip.. our children are not toys you can just pick up and put down as and when you feel like it! He's no father.. he's a sperm donor!

I am now sat crying, these are my babies, we made them together out of love, how, how can he just stop caring, and treat us all like that.. if things had gone his way, he'd be a step dad to a 6 year old and left his kids to live half way around the world.. only planning to see them once a year....

I don't want this life.. I don't want to be crying over him, wondering if he is going to come back.. all this should tell me NO I don't want him back.. if he can just drop us all like this, to call when he fancies.. even though the children didn't care, they did notice he didn't call, and I am NOT calling him to remind him to talk to his kids.
They are my world, I couldn't go a day without them.. I just so want to hate him.. I dont want to feel anything for him any more.....

I don't want to play this game any more, I want it to all stop


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmImad...i'm so crying while reading your post...my heart breaks for you for me and our beautiful babies.
There was a time that i thought i hit the jackpot with him,i seriously thought that i had angels protecting me just because i'm with him.I couldn't believe my luck......
What happened...how is it possible a person to change so much in like a day....HOW ???!!!!
Why are they being such a..holes.....my God so much pain ...it's unbearable...
Yes they can play with us all they want...but our babies....
((((HUGS)))) honey...i'm so sorry...i wish i was there with you ,we could comfort each other...so painful...so hard...


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Same here. It was a month yesterday that he has gone. Sent him a stupid email that just said, I miss you. No reply, I'm an IDIOT!

Feeling very down tonight.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

AmImad, I'd really encourage you to make the decision and tell him, "I'm done with this. The kids and I are moving on. Don't call unless it is to tell me you are moving back in to start counseling together. And I may not let you, because I really am moving on."

Giving all this time and suffering through it is pointless. He can have all the time in the world while you start living again. Can you imagine yourself at a point where you would NOT take him back? Imagine that time, and know it WILL happen. It can be so difficult getting there, but so worth it. This is so unfair to the kids--I hope you have them in counseling b/c even if he DID come back, the damage he's already done by acting like they are disposable needs to be dealt with. You cannot be the one to tell them their dad is a piece of selfish s*it; let them learn in counseling, over time (and revisit counseling whenever they start to struggle as they grow older) that some people are just not worth too much effort; they can love him as their dad but they can also learn he is undependable and truly selfish--and honestly, the sooner they can learn this, the less likely they will be to think it is *their* inadequacies that let him leave. B/c that's what they think, deep inside: they are thinking, "I must not be very loveable if my dad can just leave me like this." That is where the counseling comes in, and it will need to be reinforced--talk about the issue, indirectly, when you see movies or hear songs that reveal something really skewed about someone, and how love and family are not like that for HEALTHY people. They will begin to see how one person really can, unilaterally, be "the problem" and everyone else deserves so much better than what that one person has done to them. They'll learn to apply this to their lives, and this will make them stronger in the long run, and that's what you want.

God bless.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Today has been an emotional day, he asked if he could talk to me for 5 mins I agreed, he started talking about monies and bills that needed to be sorted, that he was looking to get a house share.. It's all got a bit emotional but I didn't cry, I basically said at least I can look into my childrens eyes and say I tried everything to make it work. I wont go into great detail, but the truth obviously hurt him and he called me a few choice names, and hung up on me..

Ladies and Gentleman please be proud, this is the first time, I didn't call back! Then I got a text a little bit later from him... saying

"Can we get together at some point next week and talk?"

I said "Why what's there to talk about?"

He said "Like you said - everything has been done by text or phone. Thought it would be a good idea. Up to you"

I replied "I don't think it would be a good idea, you can't talk to me on the phone without calling me names. I think you've said all you need to say."

He sent one back saying "Ok. I Understand. Perhaps when I've proved that I can be trusted we could. Have a good day and I really hope the kids feel better soon"

I didn't text back, I he called this evening to talk to the kids and I made my eldest hang up, I didn't talk to him. I wonder if it'll ever sink in for him, just what he has done and what he is doing and just how much he is going to lose....


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

ohhhh girl...good for you, i am so proud of you the way you're handling things now.He seems to notice too.
Hopefully he will realize things very soon...Hang in there,we are here for you!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you Sweety, I almost crumbled earlier, but I didn't! I don't know what I would do without all your support.

Much love to you all! xx


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> I don't know what I would do without all your support.


Same here,i would be so lost....i feel somehow powerful just because i have you here...weird but i guess it's the power of words .


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Same here,i would be so lost....i feel somehow powerful just because i have you here...weird but i guess it's the power of words .



I know, it seems really silly, we don't know each other, but we are all here for one another, there is some comfort in it!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

It's midnight here, and I am actually soooo tired, I am praying that days and days of no sleep have finally caught up with me!

I haven't even sent him a text to say good night... which I feel funny about


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I just want to text or email him this morning  telling him he has the power to change all of this, we could have moved towns nearer to his work, had a fresh start, make all the changes we need to, to make us happy, happy like we used to be  somebody help me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I just want to text or email him this morning  telling him he has the power to change all of this, we could have moved towns nearer to his work, had a fresh start, make all the changes we need to, to make us happy, happy like we used to be  somebody help me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


could, shoulda, woulda.
If W had raised her issues with me when they first started we coulda sorta things out.

But that didn't happen, yes, I want to email her, but that wont be happening.

I might even see you soon


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> could, shoulda, woulda.


Story of my life. "IF" is the biggest little word...

Believe me, I go over all my own mistakes. I feel a lot of guilt about the things I did and didn't do over the years. But I've done a lot of good too, especially recently. 

You don't have the power to change HIM. Only yourself! Yes, he has the power to take action, but he chooses not to. I'm having hard time accepting this with my husband as well ("WHY doesn't he do this? How can he want it to be like this?"). It's very frustrating but the sooner you realize that there is nothing you can do to change him, the better. You can only change yourself and your actions in response to him. 

You need to focus on the GOOD things. You're alive. You're healthy (hopefully). It's time to move on onward and upward. Don't look behind..Look forward. 

And don't email your husband. Stay strong! Take his address out of your computer and delete him as a contact. I did so that it wouldn't be so easy to hit that button and just have him come come up. Somehow the act of actually having to type in his name or number seems to help and often I just...stop. 

Plus it made me feel better to hit that "delete now" button. If only life could be so easy..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Hmmm i actually have a different approach...i don't give up until i see that there is really no hope...at all...
AmImad...i think you should may be agree to see him ,he asked you right...tell him what you have to say when you do...sometimes convincing could be good...sometimes guys don't think in perspective they just look back and are blind for what could be...i can see that my H. is like that ,he holds on to the past and won't let the possibilities for future, i have been explaining to him what our future could be...that things are possible... That it is worth trying....
if the conversation doesn't go your way at least you'll have a closure for now that you have really tried all the ways...

---------------
Make a decision for yourself,look at all the angles and decide how will it make you feel and how you will react and just be ready for a big fat NO...once you are ready for that HE can't hurt you again...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Hmmm i actually have a different approach...i don't give up until i see that there is really no hope...at all...


But you do realize that you can't change someone else? Otherwise you will be banging your head against that proverbial wall and all you get in the end is a headache. :banghead:

The trick is figuring out what you can change and doing it. As for "giving up". Hmm..my approach is to survive and then thrive. Plus, I have no problems sleeping at night.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah ..we can't forget that every persons situation is different...in my case i really have not much to change in H. ...we've had some struggles with him lying to me but i do take a blame in that as well...he is working on himself at the moment with a therapist so i'm good with that. I realized i can live with that,there is no perfect person...we'll get through that together.
Other than that i just have to win him back and possibly help him find his feeling for me...
So that is the only change i'm seeking from him at the moment...and only i can help with that..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, the fact that your husband is seeing a therapist is very good. It means he wants to help himself. So basically the ball is in your court! :smthumbup: I guess you just need to be patient (famous last words!). 

My situation is VERY different. Nothing much I can do but address myself and change on my end. My husband is what he is and he doesn't feel the need to change so I've got to accept that and deal. 

So you are very correct. Every situation is different. I'm glad yours is starting to work out and wish you the best of luck. At least you have hope. That's the important thing.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've just heard our song 

I don't think meeting up with him at the moment is a good idea, Freaks right, I can only change me, I've told him til I'm blue in the face how good we were, how good it could be, fresh start everything... if he wanted me, then he'd be here wouldn't he? It's 4 months on Sunday, he's not asking to come home because he misses us, he's saying he's going to get a house share miles away from us... hey maybe that might wake him up, who knows?  Today I was reading the 180 & I haven't been sticking to that at all. So I'm going to try.. hes texted twice today but I only replied when it was regarding the children. I'm so tired today after radiotherapy, and my friend wants me to get dressed up & go out tonight. All I really want to do is to be curled up in my H's arms on the sofa with him stroking my hair like he used to. But its not going to happen 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ohhh honey...my heart breaks for you knowing what you're going through with your health...
In your heart you know that it is not a good idea to contact him and see him...that is what is important...if you have that feeling than follow it...do the 180...see where that takes you...snuggle with your kids tonight,have them sleep with you...that is what i do when i miss him terribly...my H. would massage my feet while we watch something...my favorite... not happening for me also...at least not for a while...if ever...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I'd snuggle with the both of you...

Snuggling is what I miss the most...just holding each other, touching...so much love without having to say it...hot flash!!!!

oh well, tonight I'll be snuggling with about 2 hundred other people at a basketball game...not quit the same, but it keep sme busy!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks Dan for the snuggle (((hugs)))...so powerful isn't it.I have never though of a snuggle in that way...i'll never take it for granted...snuggling with your favorite person in the while world is the most amazing physical act ever...before i thought that making love is... even though it's pretty close i think snuggling and touching is waaay more powerful .


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

since my wife left, I've learned that I am a romantic...thought I was a rough and tumble stoic...but I can cry at any moment, any time when it comes to my wife...

snuggling is making love...the actual act of making love is just somethine we do to get to more snuggling...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you both, you know tomorrow, I could be on top of the world, be strong, feel like I don't need him. But today, I just want to be held.. Im gonna stay at my parents tonight. I don't want to be in my house on my own.

If Id have known then what I do now, I would have snuggled at every opportunity


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I wish my parents were nearby so i can go anytime...They are on the other end of the world...worried about me.I have my brother and his family that lives half a mile away from me so he 's been an amazing support,him and his wife...we've gotten so close during this ordeal...if i have to move in 2 months i'll be heartbroken to not see them everyday but...whatever it takes...
If I didn't have them i would be in a mental institution probably....they have been an amazing support,they are here for me anytime of the day or night. 
When my brother hugs me and tells me " everything will be just fine and i'll be here for you no matter what " ...this sentence moves mountains for me. 
Go be with your parents as much as you can...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow, that's nice. I have no family. Well, I haven't seen them in 8 years and I'm glad for it. They would just make things worse. 

I guess my rock is my daughter. She's a great kid and good company and has been very supportive. I try and keep in mind that she's my 16 year old daughter though and I can't lean on her for emotional support. I'm supposed to be the one doing that for HER! But I do enjoy her and my son a lot. 

Family is great when they hold you up and support you. All mine ever did was drag me under so I walked away from them years ago. It's amazing how my life is filled with toxic people. It is me? Do I smell bad? What's with that anyway?


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

no it isn't you, I can tell...but when your role models are all toxic, that is your standard...not healthy...

my 16 year old is my rock...through all of this he has managed to stay firm, just told me today he was selected for the school's National Honor Society...I am so proud of him...

My other son, 21, is strong for me...but he is away from college and I try not to be a burden on him...he tried to stay nuetral and that is fantastic!

My daughter is on her mom's side, manipulates her...but we have been getting closer as I stay sober and I see her hold on mom weakening...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow, that's nice. I have no family. Well, I haven't seen them in 8 years and I'm glad for it. They would just make things worse.
> 
> I guess my rock is my daughter. She's a great kid and good company and has been very supportive. I try and keep in mind that she's my 16 year old daughter though and I can't lean on her for emotional support. I'm supposed to be the one doing that for HER! But I do enjoy her and my son a lot.
> 
> Family is great when they hold you up and support you. All mine ever did was drag me under so I walked away from them years ago. It's amazing how my life is filled with toxic people. It is me? Do I smell bad? What's with that anyway?


It's my parents, and my 15 year old brother that have really been there for me, although at times it's not seemed like it, I think it's difficult for them to understand, my Mum seems to think I should just be able to walk away and divorce him, as he has treated us like this... her baby has been hurt.. although today she admitted she misses my H and it broke my heart, she watched him grow up, he was around longer than my brother! But it's been my Dad that has been my rock, I never thought it would be, he hugs me, shouts at me when I need it, tells me he loves me, says he wishes he knew what was going through my H's head.. Everyone else seems to have melted away.. I suppose they don't know what to say...*shrugs*


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...my parents are the same,they tried to understand and are still rooting for us but they are lost so they keep saying..."whatever,don't be upset ,let him divorce you he doesn't deserve you" ...they loved him so much ,my mother has always been "in love" with him ,she even took his side with things...now i know they have changed and if we ever get back together nothing will be the same...he will always be "that guy" that leaves his family out of selfishness....
can't worry about that though

My brother has been married 20 years and he does not understand him at all,he's been through a lot in his marriage but still doesn't get it,he knows every single thing of what had happened and what happens between us but encourages me the way you guys do on here ,my SIL is the same so i like to talk to them about what's happening. I find a lot of comfort in them.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

DjF said:


> no it isn't you, I can tell...but when your role models are all toxic, that is your standard...not healthy...


That is true, but in many ways my husband is good for my son. He's not a raging, abusive drunk. I will say that the way he treats me isn't good. I do worry about that aspect. But it seems my son has a good handle on things. He's very intelligent and perceptive. Plus he's very affectionate and giving and empathetic. He has a big heart and is very supportive of me. When I've been down about my husband he hugs me and says "You are the BEST mother". It really means a lot to me. .



> my 16 year old is my rock...through all of this he has managed to stay firm, just told me today he was selected for the school's National Honor Society...I am so proud of him...


Is he a Junior? My daughter is the same. She's High Honor Roll, is taking AP courses, is working to save for a car for herself and looking into college. I have good kids. I'm very lucky. 



> My other son, 21, is strong for me...but he is away from college and I try not to be a burden on him...he tried to stay nuetral and that is fantastic!
> 
> My daughter is on her mom's side, manipulates her...but we have been getting closer as I stay sober and I see her hold on mom weakening...


My son seems neutral but I make sure not to badmouth his father in front of him. I tell my daughter to keep it quiet too. 

My daughter wants nothing, absolutely nothing to do with her father. She doesn't want money from him or gifts or anything. She doesn't want to see him. If we go there she stays in my car. If he comes here, she goes upstairs. It's ripping him apart inside but he just says he'll "give it time". I have to admit that I'm appreciative of having an ally. It's probably childish of me but heck, I'm a human being. 

I don't know exactly when or why she changed towards her father. She used to adore him but seeing the impact he has had on this family, the way he's acted towards me and his actions just before he left..It isn't hard to figure out. It got pretty bad here. She's just glad he's gone and hope he stays gone. 

At first I tried to defend him and explain his behavior. She's told me that she can't stand having him around and hoped he wouldn't be moving in. She was really worried about that. But as time has gone on and she's seen my attitude change and become more like hers she's lost that concern. We're pretty much in the same place now. 

She's the one who tells me to hold off and stand back from him. To have pride and build my own life. My daughter is wise beyond her years. 

I have great kids. It's a good thing I can't go back in time and erase my marriage because I probably would but the idea of not having my kids is unbearable. They are the best thing to come out of my life with my husband.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> AmI...my parents are the same,they tried to understand and are still rooting for us but they are lost so they keep saying..."whatever,don't be upset ,let him divorce you he doesn't deserve you" ...they loved him so much ,my mother has always been "in love" with him ,she even took his side with things...now i know they have changed and if we ever get back together nothing will be the same...he will always be "that guy" that leaves his family out of selfishness....


My parents always hated my husband. So did my sister. They were always putting him down. Finally I told my mother to shut up about him and if she didn't like him that's fine because I didn't marry him for her. 

My mother used to say my husband was lazy and no good. Hmm..She'd be happy to see what's going on because then she could say "See! I told you so!"

Glad she's not around. I don't need salt rubbed in my wounds. Yeah, she's no prize herself. 

If I had to choose, I'd still take my husband over her.


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