# Fallout Years Later



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.

We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.

Let's be honest about one thing. If I find out there was even as much as a kiss between them, I will file for divorce. She knows it too, which brings me to the knowledge that she will never admit to more than I can prove. She knows my history and that I would not tolerate a hint of a PA. Yet here I am, suspecting that there is more to it than what she is willing to admit, for the sake of self preservation and still not willing to run yet.

I cornered her and she admitted that the preening was for him, but that there was nothing more to it than the EA I know about.

I don't care if it's 20 years from now, but if I find out there is more to this than what I know, it would be the end of it.

It's clear I don't trust her. What is the healthy reaction? I know my perspective is skewed since I've lived through infidelity 3 times and am a little punch drunk at this stage.

Just highlights:

19 yo - My fiancé died in a motorcycle accident while returning from a party where she cheated on me with her ex in full view of friends.

29 yo - Divorced my wife of 4 years because of her adultery.

30 yo - Divorced wife because of an abortion. I thought she killed my child. Found out later the child may have come out a different race.

49 yo - The latest, not as bad by a long shot, but with trust shattered the impact is devastating.

We have two daughters, 10 and 5. I Don't want to ruin their lives, but what is a marriage without trust?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If I was you I would dna both of the children.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

This is Africa, it's not that easy, but I am working towards it on Africa time (meaning, my business went to pot due to COVID) and I haven't had the money to do so yet. Plus she made sure my reputation in the IT community is shot by having me arrested on a false DV, now I can't go back to earning real money (internationally) due to the sensitive nature of my precious, previous field.

Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so. It's easy to put a man's name in the toilet, but even the person who did it has to pay to get it out.

I realize that this sounds very much like people from the wrong side of the tracks. I assure you that is where I ended up because of all this, not where I started out.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The problem you have is lack of trust and you really just don’t know. Do you have cellphone records? Was there any texts, calls to him? What did you have then that made you confront? If you caught it early it may have just been an EA. Usually if it’s a longer term EA with contact it’s physical as well.

Couple that with the fact that all cheaters lie lot. It’s never a good place to be in but you are correct. They never admit to anything you don’t have proof for.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This is Africa, it's not that easy, but I am working towards it on Africa time (meaning, my business went to pot due to COVID) and I haven't had the money to do so yet. Plus she made sure my reputation in the IT community is shot by having me arrested on a false DV, now I can't go back to earning real money (internationally) due to the sensitive nature of my precious, previous field.
> 
> Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so. It's easy to put a man's name in the toilet, but even the person who did it has to pay to get it out.
> 
> I realize that this sounds very much like people from the wrong side of the tracks. I assure you that is where I ended up because of all this, not where I started out.


Damn! You’ll need an attorney or do some research to see if you can clear it yourself. False DV’s happen all the time. It doesn’t say much for her sorry to say. And your gut feeling may be correct about it not better just an EA. DV’s need to be taken seriously as you’ve seen they follow you.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

We had a DV filed just a week or so ago. Happens all the time.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> The problem you have is lack of trust and you really just don’t know. Do you have cellphone records? Was there any texts, calls to him? What did you have then that made you confront? If you caught it early it may have just been an EA. Usually if it’s a longer term EA with contact it’s physical as well.
> 
> Couple that with the fact that all cheaters lie lot. It’s never a good place to be in but you are correct. They never admit to anything you don’t have proof for.


Mark, it takes 10 minutes to make an EA a PA and they traveled together for 2 weeks. She gave him her number a week in. As I said I was IT all my life. I got everything but the cell-phone records and here in Africa it's impossible to get anything from the provider. The phone she used is in my drawer. It caught fire (yes one of those Samsungs) before I had a chance to run any recovery and I can't get it to connect. I am keeping it because I WILL have the memory extracted and recovered once I can afford it again, which at this stage seems like never again.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Damn! You’ll need an attorney or do some research to see if you can clear it yourself. False DV’s happen all the time. It doesn’t say much for her sorry to say. And your gut feeling may be correct about it not better just an EA. DV’s need to be taken seriously as you’ve seen they follow you.


Again, my business failed due to COVID and the DV bars me from IT. I have no money left. We are barely eating at this stage. I had no supper tonight. I made sure the family ate, but there was not enough left for myself. I just told everybody I was not hungry. I guess the crankiness of that lead to the fight where everything surfaced again.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do some research and see if you can get that DV purged without legal support. Do you know anyone you could ask that works around that or is in that field?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Do some research and see if you can get that DV purged without legal support. Do you know anyone you could ask that works around that or is in that field?


I studied law, I lost touch with my fellow students who completed their studies years ago, but I'll put feelers out if one of them would be able to help me. It's just not easy for me. Pride stands in my way. I guess it's dire enough at this stage for me to forgo that luxury though.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Mark, it takes 10 minutes to make an EA a PA and they traveled together for 2 weeks. She gave him her number a week in. As I said I was IT all my life. I got everything but the cell-phone records and here in Africa it's impossible to get anything from the provider. The phone she used is in my drawer. It caught fire (yes one of those Samsungs) before I had a chance to run any recovery and I can't get it to connect. I am keeping it because I WILL have the memory extracted and recovered once I can afford it again, which at this stage seems like never again.


What did you confront with? Did she admit then? Or just file on you?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I studied law, I lost touch with my fellow students who completed their studies years ago, but I'll put feelers out if one of them would be able to help me. It's just not easy for me. Pride stands in my way. I guess it's dire enough at this stage for me to forgo that luxury though.


That is the most important thing facing you right now. The other **** can wait. Pride won’t feed you or your family.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so.


Have her get a second job. It's only fair since she's the one who lied and is now depriving her family of food. Shame on her.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> What did you confront with? Did she admit then? Or just file on you?


I had very little to confront with but a gut feeling and I got a confession of an EA with numbers exchanged. I retrieved her entire Facebook history and found that she searched for him a day after she met him. None of their conversations proved a PA. As far as I can read, the only reason it never went that far is that he was just not that into her. I can't say the same for her, but then again, I am a man and I know that it's quite possible to take free vagina without feelings if offered and he was single, so 10 minutes at the back of the bus terminus keeps chewing at the back of my mind.



Marc878 said:


> That is the most important thing facing you right now. The other **** can wait. Pride won’t feed you or your family.


Easier said than done, if you run out of everything else, your pride may be all you have left. It's not easy to give up.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Easier said than done, if you run out of everything else, your pride may be all you have left. It's not easy to give up.


If you do some digging it may not be as difficult as you think.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Have her get a second job. It's only fair since she's the one who lied and is now depriving her family of food. Shame on her.


She already works from 8 in the morning till 21:00 at night. I am with you as to make her come up with the money, but the economy is shot here and I think even without our complications, it's just a matter of months before the rest of the middle class may be just as much in dire straights. Yes, If I could still be in IT, I would have been able to postpone the inevitable, but South-Africa is very much done for. If at all possible, I would have done exactly what you suggested.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> If you do some digging it may not be as difficult as you think.


I'm sure, I just have this vision of myself standing with an empty bowl reciting: "Please Sir, may I have some more?"... Not a position I would have envisioned for myself, ever.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm sure, I just have this vision of myself standing with an empty bowl reciting: "Please Sir, may I have some more?"... Not a position I would have envisioned for myself, ever.


Maybe not. You won’t know unless you look. What have you got to lose?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So this woman has filed a false DV against you and has also had an EA? 

What's the reason for staying with her?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Maybe not. You won’t know unless you look. What have you got to lose?


Nothing I guess and the longer I wait the less. What is less than nothing? Oh yeah, removing myself to the streets. She can feed the kids and the house is paid for. One less mouth to feed.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

sideways said:


> So this woman has filed a false DV against you and has also had an EA?
> 
> What's the reason for staying with her?


The kids and it's not a PA that I can prove. I guess nowhere to go and a fast way to get there.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sorry guys, I think I'll feel better tomorrow, I am just fatalistic this evening.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The kids and it's not a PA that I can prove. I guess nowhere to go and a fast way to get there.


I understand this isn't easy. Even though you can't prove a PA the false DV charge would be a hard one to overcome.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I’d strike now while she’s compatible. Is there a reason it wasn’t dropped up front?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The kids and it's not a PA that I can prove. I guess nowhere to go and a fast way to get there.


You really don’t need to prove anything. But I get you.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Sorry for what you are going through, buddy. Mind if I ask what part of Africa you are from?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> I’d strike now while she’s compatible. Is there a reason it wasn’t dropped up front?


I'm not sure I am not misreading you, but after having the 3 most important relationships in my life blown apart by PAs, I just figured an EA was no big deal. Now I'm even doubting the veracity of the fact that it was only an EA. Maybe I'm just overly cynical this evening.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> Sorry for what you are going through, buddy. Mind if I ask what part of Africa you are from?


South Africa. I'm one of those hated whites, no one want's in their country because we fought against Mandela. Thank you though. I appreciate your condolences.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm not sure I am not misreading you, but after having the 3 most important relationships in my life blown apart by PAs, I just figured an EA was no big deal. Now I'm even doubting the veracity of the fact that it was only an EA. Maybe I'm just overly cynical this evening.


Why wasn’t the DV dropped?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

sideways said:


> I understand this isn't easy. Even though you can't prove a PA the false DV charge would be a hard one to overcome.


If it weren't for my two daughters to whom I feel/felt I had to prove that I am just a man, not a toxic male, not a violent oaf, just a man, I would have been gone the moment the police released me from the cell. Now, however, that I have been stripped of any way to provide for them, I am wondering if they wouldn't have been better off if I just hit the road and disappeared. I love them too much to show them how a man fails and I am failing spectacularly.

Maybe an absent father may be better than a useless eater. I have never admitted utter defeat before, I think it's time. I have 3 working days lined up for the next month, that's not enough to feed a family. I think it's time to finish what I started. I'll do the work I'm committed to, give the family the couple of Rand earned and take myself out of the equation.

There's really not much more I can do. I'm an F'n white male (in his 50s) in Africa. With all of this, I'm pretty much done for.

Yep, I just typed this and I'm going to share the weakest point I've ever shared with anybody. Wow, I can't believe these are the words of an ex pilot and ex military officer. I guess ex is a great part of my story.

I guess I have my days of glory behind me and I care not for the darkness ahead. I might feel better in an hour, but right now I see nothing of it.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Why wasn’t the DV dropped?


It was, and recanted, but the arrest record is enough to preclude me from working at the levels I had clearance and privilege to. No one cares once you have access to their entire history that the stain was unjustly applied.

I was tried and convicted the moment the cuffs were applied. As long as the arrest record exists, I'm done for at the levels I worked.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.
> 
> We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.
> 
> ...


You are justified in not being trusting. Just realize that just because some woman maybe has a little crush on a guy doesn't mean he has anything for her back anyway. So I doubt anything much happened, or SHE would be the one having big issues about it still.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You are justified in not being trusting. Just realize that just because some woman maybe has a little crush on a guy doesn't mean he has anything for her back anyway. So I doubt anything much happened, or SHE would be the one having big issues about it still.


I appreciate your perspective. I have read many of your posts and built a silent respect for your opinion in matters of infidelity at times and a huge opposition at others. Tonight I'm very much at a low point and given that I've never been lucky in these matters, the doubt is having my guts for garters.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I appreciate your perspective. I have read many of your posts and built a silent respect for your opinion in matters of infidelity at times and a huge opposition at others. Tonight I'm very much at a low point and given that I'm never been lucky in these matters, the doubt is having my guts for garters.


You're the one suffering because you're the one with suspicions. But really, if she had anything much for that guy and (obviously) it went south and left her cold, she would be the one suffering. It's really stupid she asked you how she looked when she normally wouldn't. Yeah, that wouldn't make anyone raise an eyebrow! Is this someone she would still work with, or is he out of the picture? How is her mood in general after that point in time?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're the one suffering because you're the one with suspicions. But really, if she had anything much for that guy and (obviously) it went south and left her cold, she would be the one suffering. It's really stupid she asked you how she looked when she normally wouldn't. Yeah, that wouldn't make anyone raise an eyebrow! Is this someone she would still work with, or is he out of the picture? How is her mood in general after that point in time?


It's not the threat of future engagement that caused tonight to happen, but the facts of what has occurred. She admitted to asking me how she looked for the purpose of looking good for him. Betrayal is always in the past tense, but the ramifications reach deep into the future.


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @Dictum Veritas simple have her take a polygraph test to prove it was not a PA. Tell her she has one chance before the test to tell the truth. Best of luck!


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

To continue @DownByTheRiver , she keeps lying about little things, which makes me doubt the big question. I simply don't know.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @Dictum Veritas simple have her take a polygraph test to prove it was not a PA. Tell her she has one chance before the test to tell the truth. Best of luck!


We don't even have money left to feed the family. Her actions have made me unemployable. If I make money, I feed my kids, then I pay for their school, then I feed myself, then I'd consider anything else. They are still in school, so I guess my failure is not complete, but there is nothing left. I'm skipping meals myself. This family is pretty much done for. I can't work in the field I am most qualified for anymore because of her having me arrested for a false DV and the business I started after is done for because of COVID. It ate all my savings and my properties I can't give away because our government implemented expropriation without compensation.

Polygraph, I'd love to. I'd love to know, but I'm running my electricity of a generator half the time because of a government not able to keep the lights on and I cannot get out of here because I'm a hated South-African White male who was arrested on a false DV and can no longer work in IT.

I love chess, but this looks like Check and Mate to me.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Isn't she working? She needs to be supporting the family right now if you can't. You can get some type of job, just maybe not the ones you want, but backgrounds aren't always checked and a DV won't stop a lot of employers. Keep trying. You should at least get busy with some delivery job or something like that that in the interim. Just to keep from spiraling anymore.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Isn't she working? She needs to be supporting the family right now if you can't. You can get some type of job, just maybe not the ones you want, but backgrounds aren't always checked and a DV won't stop a lot of employers. Keep trying. You should at least get busy with some delivery job or something like that that in the interim. Just to keep from spiraling anymore.


This is South Africa, we are considered insects as compared to you in America. No, that's no insecurity talking, I've lived and worked in Manhattan and London. I had a nice little, cramped bachelor flat in Canary Wharf. We aren't even human in the international point of view anymore. She can work 24/7 and she won't be able to bring in 20% of what I was earning per hour, because I was a programmer and could earn in international terms. She earns in local insurance "money".

@DownByTheRiver , my work depended on high levels of confidence. Let me put it this way, if I apply for employment, the first thing, these days is a biometric scan of your thumb. The program, I wrote some modules of, has a database refreshed internationally from law-enforcement agencies. A positive is an immediate disqualification.

Yes, you read it right, I wrote some modules in the system. I doomed myself. I wrote the prayers to Satan, now I'm paying for the hymn.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@DownByTheRiver , I'd love nothing more than to be mobile and deliver something. I had to sell my car last month. Yes, we still have one car, but we can't even afford the petrol anymore. next month, that one will have to go too. Perhaps the month after, but soon. Then there will be no more photography.

Let's put this into perspective. I have a tent and some weapons fit for hunting, some wire for snares and some knowledge the army was nice enough to teach me as to survival. We are very close to having to resort to the items in the last paragraph.

I wasn't being dramatic when I used the terms Check and Mate earlier. I'm just thinking that if I abandoned my family, perhaps they may have a month or two extra in which a miracle might save them with one less mouth to feed.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This is South Africa, we are considered insects as compared to you in America. No, that's no insecurity talking, I've lived and worked in Manhattan and London. I had a nice little, cramped bachelor flat in Canary Whorf. We aren't even human in the international point of view anymore. She can work 24/7 and she won't be able to bring in 20% of what I was earning per hour, because I was a programmer and could earn in international terms. She earns in local insurance "money".
> 
> @DownByTheRiver , my work depended on high levels of confidence. Let me put it this way, if I apply for employment, the first thing, these days is a biometric scan of your thumb. The program, I wrote some modules of, has a database refreshed internationally from law-enforcement agencies. A positive is an immediate disqualification.
> 
> Yes, you read it right, I wrote some modules in the system. I doomed myself. I wrote the prayers to Satan, now I'm paying for the hymn.


Ah, regrets! You know, I don't know about your line of work, but as far as South Africans being insects, I don't think most people in the US pay much attention at all. 

I'm likely in that database, by the way. I had a HSC at one time when I had to be at the international airport some on business. They deffo took my thumb print.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

What was her motivation behind getting you arrested on a false DV charge?

As far as staying with this woman, who had you falsely arrested, who had an EA, with a high probability that it was physical, who continues to lie to you- seems to me like if you don't even have enough money to feed yourself there's no way you can support a second household in the event of a divorce.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> @DownByTheRiver , I'd love nothing more than to be mobile and deliver something. I had to sell my car last month. Yes, we still have one car, but we can't even afford the petrol anymore. next month, that one will have to go too. Perhaps the month after, but soon. Then there will be no more photography.
> 
> Let's put this into perspective. I have a tent and some weapons fit for hunting, some wire for snares and some knowledge the army was nice enough to teach me as to survival. We are very close to having to resort to the items in the last paragraph.
> 
> I wasn't being dramatic when I used the terms Check and Mate earlier. I'm just thinking that if I abandoned my family, perhaps they may have a month or two extra in which a miracle might save them with one less mouth to feed.


You two just both need to be scrabbling for jobs, having 2 crap jobs that pay crap if necessary. I've had to do it more than once. I know it's not easy. No time for fighting. Time to spend all day looking for something that pays anything. Warehouse job, working at a pizza joint, whatever. Sorry to get off topic. I just don't want to see you give up.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Trident said:


> What was her motivation behind getting you arrested on a false DV charge?
> 
> As far as staying with this woman, who had you falsely arrested, who had an EA, with a high probability that it was physical, who continues to lie to you- seems to me like if you don't even have enough money to feed yourself there's no way you can support a second household in the event of a divorce.


Her motivation? She was caught in her EA, I got drunk, she grabbed my keys and locked me out. I wanted to pass out on my own bed, broke a window to get in. Yes, I was that low life who stood outside in the middle of winter, drunk because his wife was caught lovey dovey with another man and she grabbed my keys. My car keys too. I just wanted to pass out. I would have preferred my car, just reclining the seats, but she grabbed my keys and I wasn't all that rational anymore, so the next thought was my bed. I did, even in my drunken state calculate the cost of the window, sure, I could buy a new one in the morning, so I broke it. I just wanted my bed. I was hurt and drunk and just needed my sleep.

Yes, you are right, I didn't consider my children just then. I didn't think that the sound of smashing glass would cause them trauma, then... No I wasn't a good father at that moment. I had been before, but I just found out my wife was chasing after another man. Couple that to my growing resentment of my work, writing prayers to Satan, some would call code, I was a mess. Yes, I broke a window. I bought that window, actually my parents bought that window in 1973, I just took it over. That was not her window, I inherited that window and I apologize to my diseased father for breaking what he worked so hard for. I never even threatened her nor did anything violent but break that window to get back into my home to sleep. Like I said, I'd have slept in my car had she not taken my keys.

Well, the moment the window was broken, that was it. I have seen murders taking the police hours to respond, but a man breaking his own window, it was minutes. I have not even had a chance to enter the home and then... 

She gave them permission to search through everything I had. I mean if I were in the least a dope head or anything, they would have had me locked down for everything. They searched everything I had. How could they, was nothing private? These smug bastards? I am no criminal, but I owned nothing and she gave them access to everything yet she payed for nothing. They tore everything I owned apart.

I swear, the next time a law enforcement officer comes to my door, I'd rather die than submit. They will never take me away again like they did, hands behind my back for breaking my own window. I will never submit again.

Why did I get a DV charge? For breaking a window I helped install in 1973 when we built this home to go sleep in my own bed because I was drunk because my wife stuffed around with another man. That's why.

You got me, I deserved it. I shouldn't have been drunk and I shouldn't have broken the window. Yes, I know, I should have been the adult. I failed. All I can say is that I failed in pain and I never threatened violence. there was no V in the V charge except if you were a window and even then, it was only to make a passage to my bed.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You two just both need to be scrabbling for jobs, having 2 crap jobs that pay crap if necessary. I've had to do it more than once. I know it's not easy. No time for fighting. Time to spend all day looking for something that pays anything. Warehouse job, working at a pizza joint, whatever. Sorry to get off topic. I just don't want to see you give up.


There is nothing left, we are doing the best we can financially. The country has collapsed. A Pizza job let's run the numbers.

R 25 / h

Transport to nearest Pizza Place R 120... back R 120 .. = R 240

That's 9.5 hours worth of work just to break even for transport. @DownByTheRiver , I'm not pessimistic, I'm a realist. Stick a fork in this economy, it's done.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why would you stay with her after a false DV charge, let alone an EA?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Okay, not to argue because I know you know best, but when I was that broke, I moved across the street from my minimum-wage job so I could walk there. I had a car but couldn't afford daily gas (it was a 75 Impala -- huge gas guzzler). Just an idea to consider. I moved into a horrific apartment for that first year. Then I moved 2 blocks away to a better one and got a roommate to split rent with. Still walking to work. Had a job on my days off riding escort motorcycles for funerals at $10 a pop.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Why would you stay with her after a false DV charge, let alone an EA?


After my previous 3 relationships ended in PA's one involving an abortion where I had a private ceremony crying for the death of my child, burying him/her, where I only later found out might not have been mine (still wondering to this day); I thought an EA was nothing. The DV? Purely for my girls. I mean I did break that window... They needed to know I was not this monster I was made out to be.

They do know it now. Even good men can be driven to break windows.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Okay, not to argue because I know you know best, but when I was that broke, I moved across the street from my minimum-wage job so I could walk there. I had a car but couldn't afford daily gas (it was a 75 Impala -- huge gas guzzler). Just an idea to consider. I moved into a horrific apartment for that first year. Then I moved 2 blocks away to a better one and got a roommate to split rent with. Still walking to work. Had a job on my days off riding escort motorcycles for funerals at $10 a pop.


I will make more money working 3 days next month on my own terms than a minimum wage job for the whole month. I did the math. It's still not enough, but it's more than I'll make working the whole month for someone else. Still, I get your point; but no. I am really really good at math. 3 days of photography will equate to R 30,000 plus or minus. Take away about 20,000 in cost of business and I am left with 10,000.

Low wage job will actually cost me about R 10 a day. That it -R300 - R310 a month. Please follow the math.

Any positive kills a negative.

R 10,000 is about $770


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@DownByTheRiver , yes, It will cost me to work at minimum wage.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I will make more money working 3 days next month on my own terms than a minimum wage job for the whole month. I did the math. It's still not enough, but it's more than I'll make working the whole month for someone else. Still, I get your point; but no. I am really really good at math. 3 days of photography will equate to R 30,000 plus or minus. Take away about 20,000 in cost of business and I am left with 10,000.
> 
> Low wage job will actually cost me about R 10 a day. That it -R300 - R310 a month. Please follow the math.
> 
> ...


Well I'm glad you have some income stream at least. In my experience it's never enough.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@DownByTheRiver ... That being said, I'll take anything that will actually make me money the rest of the time and I am looking and thinking. If you have an idea. Please, please... I wasn't being facetious, just desperate.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well I'm glad you have some income stream at least. In my experience it's never enough.


In the 90s I used to be in the top 10% of earners world wide. Oh how far we fall.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I


Dictum Veritas said:


> This is South Africa, we are considered insects as compared to you in America. No, that's no insecurity talking, I've lived and worked in Manhattan and London. I had a nice little, cramped bachelor flat in Canary Wharf. We aren't even human in the international point of view anymore. She can work 24/7 and she won't be able to bring in 20% of what I was earning per hour, because I was a programmer and could earn in international terms. She earns in local insurance "money".
> 
> @DownByTheRiver , my work depended on high levels of confidence. Let me put it this way, if I apply for employment, the first thing, these days is a biometric scan of your thumb. The program, I wrote some modules of, has a database refreshed internationally from law-enforcement agencies. A positive is an immediate disqualification.
> 
> Yes, you read it right, I wrote some modules in the system. I doomed myself. I wrote the prayers to Satan, now I'm paying for the hymn.


Would it be possible for you to do some online work for entities outside SA?


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

If your partner is filing DV charges (true or false) it's time to leave her.
She wants to harm you, nothing else matters.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

aine said:


> I
> 
> 
> Would it be possible for you to do some online work for entities outside SA?


Intellectually, yes. I have not lost the ability to program. Security wise, every time I have to put down my thumb (which is always) the arrest record for the DV comes up and they go for the next candidate. I'm good at what I do, I'm just not unique and at my level of programming I'm either over-qualified or a security risk.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> If your partner is filing DV charges (true or false) it's time to leave her.
> She wants to harm you, nothing else matters.


Tonight, she was sitting in a pile of her own spit and bile when I brought it up. She stated that she was cursed and that she ****s up everything in her own life.

Should I leave her? I have no proof that another penis was in her since we were together, That's my hard line. I stayed with my ex who beat the snot out of me with a stone ashtray while I was sleeping on more than one occasion. I only left her the moment I knew she was an adulteress. I really don't know anymore. I'm 51, life has chosen to show me it's underbelly. Perhaps she's worth staying with until my 5 year old is out of school? Perhaps she's show me she's worth it after that. Perhaps I just get nauseous and take her to her mother's tomorrow.

The older I get, the more I know how little I know about life, but one thing I stick to. If I find out this thing went physical, I won't even waste my breath to explain to her why she is history.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Should I leave her? I have no proof that another penis was in her since we were together,


But you do have evidence that she filed DV charges.
Which is a much more important reason to leave.
This woman can't be trusted.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I had very little to confront with but a gut feeling and I got a confession of an EA with numbers exchanged. I retrieved her entire Facebook history and found that she searched for him a day after she met him. None of their conversations proved a PA. As far as I can read, the only reason it never went that far is that he was just not that into her. I can't say the same for her, but then again, I am a man and I know that it's quite possible to take free vagina without feelings if offered and he was single, so 10 minutes at the back of the bus terminus keeps chewing at the back of my mind.
> 
> 
> 
> Easier said than done, if you run out of everything else, your pride may be all you have left. It's not easy to give up.


Even with this being true, you have to feed your family. Get the help you need to get the job you need. Reaching out to a friend for help isn’t a sin. Especially when it’s not your fault that you’re in this position.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm just going to be brutally honest here. 

The reason why everyone you have been with cheats on you is because you are the kind of guy who won't divorce your wife now. They all knew you will put up with it, that you will facilitate their lifestyle. You are the perfect mark for women like this. Hell she admits to an EA and you stay. They are the parasite and you act as their host. Unless this changes the next women will cheat on you too.

That probably wasn't fun to read, but that's the reality of the situation.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> But you do have evidence that she filed DV charges.
> Which is a much more important reason to leave.
> This woman can't be trusted.


You are right. Now what? I mean I am so broke that I am contemplating leaving my family just to ensure that they have more food because I wont be another mouth to feed. Justice has long passed here. The choices facing us now is that I stay and use my military knowledge to keep them alive or leave and let the decaying civilization sustain them for another couple of months.

If it weren't for my two girls, the answer would have been easy. I'd take that tent and no-one would have ever known if I were dead or alive hence forth. Now if I have to take that route, at least I need to teach them to survive in Africa Proper.

This sounds so melodramatic and I am even shaking my head at my own words, while simultaneously knowing the unadulterated truth of what I am stating.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I think you said that W and possible OM traveled together for 2 weeks? If so then 99% it went physical during that time.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

sokillme said:


> I'm just going to be brutally honest here.
> 
> The reason why everyone you have been with cheats on you is because you are the kind of guy who won't divorce your wife now. They all knew you will put up with it, that you will facilitate their lifestyle. You are the perfect mark for women like this. Hell she admits to an EA and you stay. They are the parasite and you act as their host. Unless this changes the next women will cheat on you too.
> 
> That probably wasn't fun to read, but that's the reality of the situation.


You know what, you are 100% correct and I wish I had a friend like you or someone who could set me straight before I met my wife. You see my dad was a good man, a good provider, a good.... But he didn't teach me the first thing about women. I don't blame him because he didn't know the first thing about women either. His dad was my grandmother's servant. He didn't know any better, he couldn't teach any better, thus I didn't know any better.

I know better now, but I'm 51. What can I do with the knowledge? Seriously. For all my sins, I am in a house full of women. My daughters, my wife, my mother, no seriously, even the dog is a *****. I know better now and so does my wife.

I have dealt with my exes swiftly. I'm just too old and tired now. I know it's my fault. My picker is broken or something. I'm just so, so tired. Younger guys, don't be me. Just get rid of them if they have a wondering eye and don't ever take another one like them.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

TDSC60 said:


> I think you said that W and possible OM traveled together for 2 weeks? If so then 99% it went physical during that time.


I know. and I'm 99.99% certain I'll find the smoking gun and then I'll 100% tell her to go F herself. I just need that proof to put under my kids noses one day. I know it's F'd, but it is what it is. Save for fights like tonight, I don't totally hate my life. I'm too tired to really care. At least for the moment.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This is Africa, it's not that easy, but I am working towards it on Africa time (meaning, my business went to pot due to COVID) and I haven't had the money to do so yet. Plus she made sure my reputation in the IT community is shot by having me arrested on a false DV, now I can't go back to earning real money (internationally) due to the sensitive nature of my precious, previous field.
> 
> Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so. It's easy to put a man's name in the toilet, but even the person who did it has to pay to get it out.
> 
> I realize that this sounds very much like people from the wrong side of the tracks. I assure you that is where I ended up because of all this, not where I started out.


Tell HER to get another job to earn the money to clear your name (AND DNA the kids) -- this was HER fault.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> She already works from 8 in the morning till 21:00 at night. I am with you as to make her come up with the money, but the economy is shot here and I think even without our complications, it's just a matter of months before the rest of the middle class may be just as much in dire straights. Yes, If I could still be in IT, I would have been able to postpone the inevitable, but South-Africa is very much done for. If at all possible, I would have done exactly what you suggested.


Look online for IT jobs -- it may not be in a job that requires clearance, but there are a LOT of "REMOTE ONLY" IT jobs out there right now....


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I studied law, I lost touch with my fellow students who completed their studies years ago, but I'll put feelers out if one of them would be able to help me. It's just not easy for me. Pride stands in my way. I guess it's dire enough at this stage for me to forgo that luxury though.


We are social creatures for a reason - to help each other achieve more, to help when the load is simply too big for just one to carry.

If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you gladly help your friend carry that load for just a mile or two?

It is a relatively small request no? 

How would you feel if you found a friend of yours passed up an opportunity to rebuild his life because he simply wouldn't call you out of pride?

If it helps you recover, you can always repay that friend 100 fold in the future in any way you see fit.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> You know what, you are 100% correct and I wish I had a friend like you or someone who could set me straight before I met my wife. You see my dad was a good man, a good provider, a good.... But he didn't teach me the first thing about women. I don't blame him because he didn't know the first thing about women either. His dad was my grandmother's servant. He didn't know any better, he couldn't teach any better, thus I didn't know any better.
> 
> I know better now, but I'm 51. What can I do with the knowledge? Seriously. For all my sins, I am in a house full of women. My daughters, my wife, my mother, no seriously, even the dog is a ***. I know better now and so does my wife.
> 
> I have dealt with my exes swiftly. I'm just too old and tired now. I know it's my fault. My picker is broken or something. I'm just so, so tired. Younger guys, don't be me. Just get rid of them if they have a wondering eye and don't ever take another one like them.


OK if you are not going to leave, then look up gray rock technique. Instead of threatening her and stuff, go cold. That will work a lot better. Detach and act like you no longer care, trust me that will work a lot better.

51 is too you to except this.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Quad73 said:


> We are social creatures for a reason - to help each other achieve more, to help when the load is simply too big for just one to carry.
> 
> If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you gladly help your friend carry that load for just a mile or two?
> 
> ...


I wouldn't think twice to roll a stone out of the path of someone else, I'm just weary to ask. I guess that's my flaw and I can't attribute my problems because of it to anyone else but myself.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Look online for IT jobs -- it may not be in a job that requires clearance, but there are a LOT of "REMOTE ONLY" IT jobs out there right now....


I have written some smaller modules for people, but I have yet to find anything paying close to the money I used to earn. But thank you. I suppose I am just feeling defeated right now. A little pity party for one. It passes.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

sokillme said:


> OK if you are not going to leave, then look up gray rock technique. Instead of threatening her and stuff, go cold. That will work a lot better. Detach and act like you no longer care, trust me that will work a lot better.
> 
> 51 is too you to except this.


I respect your posts, since we have always been of a similar mind as far as PAs are concerned. I have done exactly that in the past. I guess I'm just in the final round and I didn't expect another fist to the face. Give me a moment to collect myself.

As soon as I can, the kids will be DNA tested.
I will schedule a polygraph.

If anything is off, I will take my tent and wander into Africa proper on my own, mourning the death of them all. Alas, they will all still breath, but I shall tear my robes and mourn them none the less.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I have written some smaller modules for people, but I have yet to find anything paying close to the money I used to earn. But thank you. I suppose I am just feeling defeated right now. A little pity party for one. It passes.


You may not earn the same money, but it IS money. Sounds like you were looking into the gig economy -- doing piece meal jobs? I'm talking about full-time jobs that allow you to be remote-only.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You may not earn the same money, but it IS money. Sounds like you were looking into the gig economy -- doing piece meal jobs? I'm talking about full-time jobs that allow you to be remote-only.


If you can point me in the direction, I'm happy to try. I have been programming in one fashion or another since 1982. I can say with confidence that I've been there, done that and can easily master the next thing.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> In the 90s I used to be in the top 10% of earners world wide. Oh how far we fall.


All successful people have learned to get back up. I'm sure you'll do the same.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> All successful people have learned to get back up. I'm sure you'll do the same.


I hope your confidence is not misplaced.


----------



## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I hope your confidence is not misplaced.


What about braintrust or LinkedIn. There’s seems to quite a need for remote it people.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Both has the same issues that precludes me from work due to the false DV, both refers to systems running code I had a hand in, code that will bite me because of what my wife did. This is not 100% guaranteed, but playing the odds, I have killed my own career following those paths.


----------



## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The kids and it's not a PA that I can prove. I guess nowhere to go and a fast way to get there.


Howzit  Im also in South Africa (George to be exact). Sorry to see you here, but there is very decent support. I was a wayward wife (exit affair reversal mess a decade ago now), the people here are correct, she will not admit to more than you can prove. I confessed (I wasnt bust) and gave my husband the choice of what he wanted to do. He chose to make me pay for the next 10 years. Dont do it to yourself. If there is no trust there is nothing.


----------



## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Dictum Veritas said:


> There is nothing left, we are doing the best we can financially. The country has collapsed. A Pizza job let's run the numbers.
> 
> R 25 / h
> 
> ...


United Independent Movement my man. We can still save our country but we need your vote. Do the research, Neil De Beer is a truth speaker. Please dont give up. Ive earned btw R2 and R5k the last two months, my hubby has brought in nothing. So grateful no kids, praying for you.


----------



## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Dictum Veritas said:


> We don't even have money left to feed the family. Her actions have made me unemployable. If I make money, I feed my kids, then I pay for their school, then I feed myself, then I'd consider anything else. They are still in school, so I guess my failure is not complete, but there is nothing left. I'm skipping meals myself. This family is pretty much done for. I can't work in the field I am most qualified for anymore because of her having me arrested for a false DV and the business I started after is done for because of COVID. It ate all my savings and my properties I can't give away because our government implemented expropriation without compensation.
> 
> Polygraph, I'd love to. I'd love to know, but I'm running my electricity of a generator half the time because of a government not able to keep the lights on and I cannot get out of here because I'm a hated South-African White male who was arrested on a false DV and can no longer work in IT.
> 
> I love chess, but this looks like Check and Mate to me.





NicoleT said:


> In my opinion, it would be nice if you could, if that's what you want. Your heart may be broken, despite you say you have accepted the inevitable. After sharing so much time space and history, its sad that most ending marriages are so bitter, ugly, angry, dark. Maybe it requires a certain level of maturity from both sides to achieve. It cant be good to be going through this though, I'm sorry you're here. How are you coping?





Dictum Veritas said:


> my properties I can't give away because our government implemented expropriation without compensation.
> 
> - ok this actually hasnt happened (yet). What property are you referring to because maybe I can assist you.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I wouldn't think twice to roll a stone out of the path of someone else, I'm just weary to ask. I guess that's my flaw and I can't attribute my problems because of it to anyone else but myself.


So you're a fallible human, like EVERYONE else. Including your friends. And it's a false record. 

Do it if there's a chance you can again become valuable to your kids lives, and to society; a society wherein you can help others again and fully regain that pride.

Often when we're feeling this negative, defeated and nihilistic, taking a chance on something that is positive seems alien and wrong. This is the time you need to slap yourself, get out of this funk, and do the thing that may pull you out of it, even if it feels forced or not like 'you' right now.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You need to emigrate.

Somewhere.....

With the pandemic, and the rampant and crazy unrest all over the world, a lot of people are on the move.
Good people, bad people, talented people, unskilled, you name it.

I admit it, now is the worst time to consider this, but, do it anyway.

If it were me, I would convert to Judaism and consider Israel as a possible new home.

Canada might be a possibility. They are normally looking for skilled future citizens.

Or, you could go to Mexico and walk across the U.S. Southern border.
Our president is allowing anyone in!

Apply for citizenship, now; it takes years for countries to process the paperwork.
The sooner you do this, the longer the process will have to work its way thru the bureaucracy.

On your forms, do not state this charge of DV.
If no court of law charged you, it is moot.

Explain to anyone who asks that you got locked out of your house in the dead of winter, and you broke in.
It was a mistake and charges were not filed.
Leave out the drinking part!

In any interview, simply state that South Africa's economy is falling apart, that jobs are scarce.

You are not an insect, though some few might think this way.
Keep in mind, most people in the world have no sense of history.

When dealing with people that can help you, leave out the bitter face.
Be cheerful.
People want to help those deemed kind.

Life is a game, put on your game shoes.



_Are Dee-_


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.
> 
> We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.
> 
> ...


You are suffering because you have chosen to stay with a lying cheater. 
Misery is all you'll ever get. 
You've chosen to stay in this hell and you will be in emotional hell probably for the rest of the marriage.

If someone cheats they've proven themselves to be unworthy of your heart and untrustworthy. That is your time to leave. You pulled the old "but....for the kids". 
I don't want to "ruin the kids lives".

You two separating won't ruin their lives. It could even be a teachable moment for them. Kids....tell the truth and be faithful when you marry because lying and cheating destroys the heart of their mate and breaks up families like mommy has done to us. Learn from our mistakes and be a better spouse when you grow up. 

You have chosen to stay with this liar. You have chosen to stay with this selfish, unfaithful person. Every moment of pain, doubt, worry, moment of anxiety, insecurity you feel. You've signed up for it. You chose to stay and to keep suffering. You never stay with a cheater but you chose to. 
Do stupid things.......win stupid prizes.


----------



## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Intellectually, yes. I have not lost the ability to program. Security wise, every time I have to put down my thumb (which is always) the arrest record for the DV comes up and they go for the next candidate. I'm good at what I do, I'm just not unique and at my level of programming I'm either over-qualified or a security risk.


If your skills are even remotely up to date then you are marketable, even remotely. I have 16 full time developers working for me. You can pm me your skill set if you like. We are U.S. based but I’ve employed developers in Europe so it can be done….


----------



## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Both has the same issues that precludes me from work due to the false DV, both refers to systems running code I had a hand in, code that will bite me because of what my wife did. This is not 100% guaranteed, but playing the odds, I have killed my own career following those paths.


I've used Linkedin multiple times for hiring. I've received multiple child offenders, domestic violence, DUI, etc. Some companies DO NOT run background checks. If you need security than that would definitely come up. Don't you have attorneys there that work pro bono? What about sell your house and move.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If you can point me in the direction, I'm happy to try. I have been programming in one fashion or another since 1982. I can say with confidence that I've been there, done that and can easily master the next thing.


Can you look on Linked in or Indeed, or really any of the job sites.
I know that LinkedIn allows you to specify remote only

You just have to realize that while you maybe can't do GOVERNMENT programming, it doesn't mean you can't do other programming. MOST programming jobs do not require clearances.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I have written some smaller modules for people, but I have yet to find anything paying close to the money I used to earn. But thank you. I suppose I am just feeling defeated right now. A little pity party for one. It passes.


SOME money is better than NO money. You might even test out fiverr.com and similar sites. Your background is irrelevant there.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Why didn't you get out of SA 10 years ago? it's a first-rate sh+t hole. You have IT skills that are presumably in demand elsewhere like the USA or Europe. put the wife stuff on the backburner for now.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This is South Africa, we are considered insects as compared to you in America. No, that's no insecurity talking, I've lived and worked in Manhattan and London. I had a nice little, cramped bachelor flat in Canary Wharf. We aren't even human in the international point of view anymore. She can work 24/7 and she won't be able to bring in 20% of what I was earning per hour, because I was a programmer and could earn in international terms. She earns in local insurance "money".
> 
> @DownByTheRiver , my work depended on high levels of confidence. Let me put it this way, if I apply for employment, the first thing, these days is a biometric scan of your thumb. The program, I wrote some modules of, has a database refreshed internationally from law-enforcement agencies. A positive is an immediate disqualification.
> 
> Yes, you read it right, I wrote some modules in the system. I doomed myself. I wrote the prayers to Satan, now I'm paying for the hymn.


Im really ticked off at your situation DV and your stupid wife. I’m sure you’ve already looked into it but is there a way to get the arrest record expunged? If you have to sell every piece of furniture in your house to do it, then do it. This is bullcrap. I’m praying for you. (I don’t particularly care if you believe in God or not.)


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

manowar said:


> Why didn't you get out of SA 10 years ago? it's a first-rate sh+t hole. You have IT skills that are presumably in demand elsewhere like the USA or Europe. put the wife stuff on the backburner for now.


It costs about R 500,000.00 before any country will consider a South-African as a candidate to go there. I have about R 650.00 as of this morning. That would buy me enough ingredients for a meal and enough petrol to drive to and from my next photo-shoot. There is no option for the poverty stricken to emigrate.

There are ways to do it, but they are exceedingly scarce to a 51 yo in my position.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I had a friend I used to work with from South Africa. They were lucky and got out. They initially were able to immigrate to England. They arrived penniless after having lived there many years. Their property was of no value. The currency devaluation was very detrimental. The stigma was the worst. SA means you are a filthy racist, etc. Its not as easy getting out as most think.

South Africa much like Zimbabwe held high hopes from the UN that they’d become great.
Zimbabwe’s currency became valueless in 2008 (they sell 10.5 million in tourist shops for $1). They just kept printing money until it lost its value. They have to import food. South Africa is going down the same path.
Corruption is rampant. They have no conception of government because they are still tribal in nature.

The latest riots were disastrous. They looted and burned everything to the ground.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.
> 
> We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.
> 
> ...


I am so sad for you reading this, DV. What a horrible situation to tolerate, I don't know how you were ever able to trust your wife again. Her excuse about self-sabotaging is weak, she's not a teenager, and presumably, she understands how things work there.

If she really wants to make amends, she needs to figure out what she can do and do it. I'm sorry if you think my view is harsh, but I have no sympathy for people who make false accusations and ruin other people's lives. 

It's a pity you didn't apply for residency when you worked overseas. Honestly, SA is a horrible place for any white person, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I truly hope she doesn't sink further and tries to turn your children against you.



Dictum Veritas said:


> To continue @DownByTheRiver , she keeps lying about little things, which makes me doubt the big question. I simply don't know.


This sounds harmless, but it's NOT good. When people do this, deception is ingrained into who they are, they live double lives way too easily.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Whether the affair was emotional or physical makes no difference at this point. You can't trust someone who falsely accuses you of DV. That, alone, is the reason she should ultimately be out of your life. I really feel for your situation and don't have much advice. 

I guess I would say to play the long game to whatever extent you can. If you can leverage your existing development skills to learn a new platform, that might work out well. I'm older than you and have worked as a developer for my entire career. All computer languages are essentially the same at their core. The more difficult parts are understanding loops, data structures, conditional logic, etc. You've already got that part mastered, so why not just put some effort into learning a more marketable set of skills based on what you already do well? If you pursue online project-based work, no one cares what country you're in or how old you are. 

It's sad to see South Africa self-destruct. I know a few South Africans who have been able to escape to the US, and they're some of the nicest, most down-to-earth people I've met.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Whether the affair was emotional or physical makes no difference at this point. You can't trust someone who falsely accuses you of DV. That, alone, is the reason she should ultimately be out of your life. I really feel for your situation and don't have much advice.


I have told myself this 1000 times. She's impulsive and thinks nothing through to it's conclusion. I was in a bad state emotionally when I met her and made my choices based on previous injury and emotion, nothing else. I chose poorly, but I did choose. I have a little 5 year old daughter and a blooming 10 year old to consider.

Am I staying at the peril of destruction? Yes, but if the whole world around you is deteriorating faster than imaginable, perhaps the only stability I can provide is to my kids and as a father. We just had another murder at a store a kilometer away. Someone lost their life for a cell phone. This is nothing strange in South-Africa. Maybe my problems are miniscule in context.



Tatsuhiko said:


> I guess I would say to play the long game to whatever extent you can. If you can leverage your existing development skills to learn a new platform, that might work out well. I'm older than you and have worked as a developer for my entire career. All computer languages are essentially the same at their core. The more difficult parts are understanding loops, data structures, conditional logic, etc. You've already got that part mastered, so why not just put some effort into learning a more marketable set of skills based on what you already do well? If you pursue online project-based work, no one cares what country you're in or how old you are.


I am an autodidact. Everything I learned about computers I taught myself. I concur with everything you said here. There is nothing but syntax, goal and hardware separating a Sperry Univac programmer from purpose built RISK chip programmer for an MRI or one monitoring the air quality in the International space Station. I remember years ago, taking over a main-frame project in a language A+ (almost unheard of). When they asked me if I though I could do it, my answer was: "Just give me the manual". Parts of that system has only very recently been made redundant.

If anyone asks me my claim to fame, I like other programmers can state. I'm working 24/7 because somewhere on this planet, right now, logic I wrote is being executed to a purpose.



Tatsuhiko said:


> It's sad to see South Africa self-destruct. I know a few South Africans who have been able to escape to the US, and they're some of the nicest, most down-to-earth people I've met.


We try to be good people, we always have. It's actually sad that the international press have painted us as the villains they have.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Just highlights:
> 
> 19 yo - My fiancé died in a motorcycle accident while returning from a party where she cheated on me with her ex in full view of friends.
> 
> ...


Damn man... 2 different divorces/cheating wives within the space of what... just under 2 years max?


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> Damn man... 2 different divorces/cheating wives within the space of what... just under 2 years max?


It hit hard, but the second one I divorced because of the abortion, I only found out about the cheating about a year later.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is your third wife and they have all cheated on you?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> This is your third wife and they have all cheated on you?


Get ready for some ouch, bro. 😬


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@Blondilocks and @GusPolinski , This is my story with some more details:









SurvivingInfidelity.com - General Forum


Surviving infidelity support forums for those affected by infidelity and cheating




www.survivinginfidelity.com


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Get ready for some ouch, bro. 😬


?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It hit hard, but the second one I divorced because of the abortion, I only found out about the cheating about a year later.


So, you weren't actually married to the doctor who had an abortion. So, there was no divorce in that relationship.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> ?


I was referring to your comment in a reply to the OP.

Basically prepping him for a “Dude, it might be you.”


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you weren't actually married to the doctor who had an abortion. So, there was no divorce in that relationship.


If you define marriage as a legal contract in which you register a de-facto business with the government as a party. I've not been stupid enough to do that more than once and the answer is no. I don't even recognize the South African government as legitimate. But then again, by that definition I'm not married to my current wife of 14 years and 2 children later either. Did we swear vows in front of friends and family? Yes.

In legalese, I suppose I cannot use the term divorce, but morally and ethically, I am quite justified to do so.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> I was referring to your comment in a reply to the OP.
> 
> Basically prepping him for a “Dude, it might be you.”


It might not be, it most definitely is and I've been exploring the faults in my character that lead me to choose the women I have.

The one common factor in all of this is simply myself and my choices.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It might not be, it most definitely is and I've been exploring the faults in my character that lead me to choose the women I have.
> 
> The one common factor in all of this is simply myself and my choices.


To be clear, I didn’t mean to imply it’s a character issue on your part and I tend to doubt that @Blondilocks did either.

Definitely a broken picker though.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It would be easier to sing along if the lyrics didn't change.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> @Blondilocks and @GusPolinski , This is my story with some more details:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing your story, DV. I had to agree with others who said you're too nice. I have similar experiences and have come to the conclusion that I'm too nice. 

Tell me if you have a similar personality quirk... I like to be sure about something before I take action, which leads me to collect information before pulling the trigger on something. 

It comes across as passivity until I make a decision, which then shocks the ****s out of everyone. In essence, giving people enough rope to hang themselves, then leaving them swinging. 

Some introspection led me to conclude that I am not a great communicator, I am too closed, people don't always know where they stand with me. It's a protective mechanism, which affects who is interested in wanting to know me further and why. Most "healthy" people would see that as too standoffish and too much trouble to dig deeper, so it limits who might be interested in a romantic relationship. 

One thing I am learning is how to be vulnerable. I've never experienced true open communication, no front barred until now and it's making me reflect on many things. Maybe that perspective might help you. You don't seem to be too needy or "beta", despite what people may imply. You come across as a man of principles who hasn't met his match in that arena and is disappointed by the lack of two-way commitment. 




Dictum Veritas said:


> It might not be, it most definitely is and I've been exploring the faults in my character that lead me to choose the women I have.
> 
> The one common factor in all of this is simply myself and my choices.


That's a good thing. It's incredibly painful to admit your shortcomings, especially if it leads you to see where you could have acted differently to spare yourself (maybe others) pain. Please be kind to yourself during this, though that's one of the hardest things to be when you try to live your principles.



GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, I didn’t mean to imply it’s a character issue on your part and I tend to doubt that @Blondilocks did either.
> 
> Definitely a broken picker though.


I think most of us BS have that problem. We want to see and believe the best in people we chose to be our mates, and we didn't see who they truly were for whatever reason.

That's something I'm still picking at, and wondering how to improve. My problem is I tend to judge people by my standards and not see them for who they are. I'm not sure how to change that, maybe some of you more "healthy" people can help us out.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, I didn’t mean to imply it’s a character issue on your part and I tend to doubt that @Blondilocks did either.
> 
> Definitely a broken picker though.


Is a broken picker not in and of itself a character flaw? I mean, in my case it's been a factor that has all but wrecked the trajectory of my life.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> It would be easier to sing along if the lyrics didn't change.


Touché, but the difference is only in legal definition vs. hearts intent. Nothing a person with both a brain and heart could not unify.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> Thanks for sharing your story, DV. I had to agree with others who said you're too nice. I have similar experiences and have come to the conclusion that I'm too nice.
> 
> Tell me if you have a similar personality quirk... I like to be sure about something before I take action, which leads me to collect information before pulling the trigger on something.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this heart-felt post. I have been facing quite a lot as of late that some members here are privy to, unrelated to this thread, but it left me vulnerable to drive me to my knees enough to start it.

Sometimes health and financial matters can cause festering wounds to erupt. It is at times like this when you question yourself that betrayals weighs the heaviest on us that have experienced them to this extent.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> _Is a broken picker not in and of itself a character flaw?_ I mean, in my case it's been a factor that has all but wrecked the trajectory of my life.


I wouldn’t think so, no.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Thank you for this heart-felt post. I have been facing quite a lot as of late that some members here are privy to, unrelated to this thread, but it left me vulnerable to drive me to my knees enough to start it.
> 
> Sometimes health and financial matters can cause festering wounds to erupt. It is at times like this when you question yourself that betrayals weighs the heaviest on us that have experienced them to this extent.


I get it. When you feel like a failure, suddenly everything you've done wrong comes to roost. Just know that no matter how bad things get, it's temporary, you only need to outlast the pain and hardship. 

To avoid giving in to hopelessness, try to identify it as a learning and growing opportunity. I bet you can tell I'm reading self-help books about now  .

In that spirit, let me recommend one, The Four Agreements. This book changed my attitude about how I treated myself, and what I expect from others. Maybe it might help you.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Thanks for sharing your story, DV. I had to agree with others who said you're too nice. I have similar experiences and have come to the conclusion that I'm too nice.
> 
> Tell me if you have a similar personality quirk... I like to be sure about something before I take action, which leads me to collect information before pulling the trigger on something.
> 
> ...


Healthy people?! Where?


----------

