# Need advise regarding insecure husband



## Reality Stinks (Jun 26, 2014)

Hello. This is my first post so let me give you some background. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for over 20 years and together 27. I have been with DH since I was 16 years old. We both come from very disfunctional families (alcoholism, emotional neglect, etc). Up until about August of last year, we were always known as the perfect couple. We are the only ones still in our first marriage on both sides of the family. Our parents and all our siblings have been married numerous times and most are currently divorced. DH and I have 2 sons ages 14 and 12. 

Last October, a few days before our 20th wedding anniversary, I had a one night stand with someone at a bar while out of town with a friend. I was extremely intoxicated (something I have never done in my life) and was in an environment that I never put myself in. After the fact, I felt horrible but I never told DH. Things spiraled out of control at that point. I started feeling like I was a horrible person and started to realize that something was not right in our marriage. There was some issues in our marriage that I started to realize were much more concerning that I made myself believe. So I started to distance myself from DH and push him away. In the beginning of November of last year, I told DH that I was unhappy and felt the only way we could make the marriage work was for him to start to see a counselor. 

DH is a caring and sweet man but he is also very insecure and has extreme low self esteem which was all brought on from his childhood. I have learned that I also have very low self esteem and tend to put everyone elses needs ahead of mine...a true people pleaser. DH would often easily become moody and shut me and the boys out and stop communicating with us. Even when it was nothing to do with us....but would never say what the issues were so we had no idea what was going on. I would always make up some reason to the kids so they wouldn't worry. But with DH being very insecure, he also was very jealous. A good example was in February of 2013 I was invited to go over to the neighbors house for a girls night of watching a movie and having dinner. I was excited to be invited and really wanted to go until she told me what movie it was. I knew that once DH found out it was Magic Mike, it would only be a major issue. So I tried to give excuses for not going other than my true fears but DH convinced me to go. So I went but all the time I was there I had a horrible feeling it would cause a major issue. When I came home after, DH was completely shutting me out and was isolating himself from me. This happened on a Saturday night and proceeded on until Monday afternoon when he came home from work early very upset. He started telling me how he felt he didn't deserve me and felt I would be better off without him as I should have someone that would make me happy. I begged him to stop, validated my love and told him he needs to go see a therapist. Once he snapped out of it, the idea of seeing a therapist was out of the mind also. 

To add to the issues, a couple weeks after telling DH I was unhappy and didn't know if I wanted to be married any longer, I met someone at the gym. We really hit it off and after a few weeks, it became physical. By the end of January, we were close to putting the house on the market and both looking for separate housing while getting ready to file for divorce. At that time, DH came to me asking if I would be willing to go to a weekend marriage retreat. He had tried everything in his power up to that point to convince me to stay but I pushed him away telling him I didn't love him and had no interest in being with him anymore. I was quite nasty at this point and felt it was the only way I could communicate with him. 

On our drive to our weekend retreat, DH confronted me in the car about getting into my cell phone (passcode protected) and finding encrypted texts to a friend who knew about my ongoing affair. A few days before leaving our weekend I ended it with the other person. So I came clean about both affairs and he was devastated. I told him I wanted to see if this retreat could help us save our marriage. The very same night I confessed he told me he forgave me. Well....as soon as we came home that was not the case. I should have realized that it was way to soon. The first 3 months of our reconcillation was a nightmare. Lots of rage and nasty behavoir towards me. 2 months ago he got so upset with me that he physically grabbed me by the shirt and screamed in my face with such rage in his eyes that I started to scream. It terrified me because it was the one thing I never ever thought I would have to fear with DH. A couple days after that incident, I told him I was going to leave him if this rage did not stop. It immediately stopped and now I am left with other rollercoaster behavoirs. 

With DH already being a very insecure person, I think the affair escalated it to extreme levels. 5 months have passed and it has been a living hell. I am seeing a counselor on a weekly/biweekly basis which I find very helpful. Unfortunately, DH is not seeing the importance to see a counselor for himself. This week we have had some conversations that have really opened my eyes to the big concerns. My therapist helped me understand this last night. I have spent the last 27 years validating my love for DH in fear of his insecurities and low self esteem that I have lost what my feelings and needs are. And when everything came to light in November was when I started to feel I could no longer validate him anymore. As my therapist put it....my well has dried up. Now with the behavoir that DH expressed since end of January, this has only pushed me away more. The problem is that DH is demanding even more validation because of his horrible fears with not forgiving or trusting me. 

I see that DH is very controlling of my mental state. He snaps out of his "fear" moods as soon as he has said enough to break me into an emotional mess. Then he feels great because he says that I am showing my feelings. I don't see that as a positive. 

So I am not sure what to do at this point. I am so very tired mentally and emotionally right now. The fact that I am regretting not proceeding with the divorce in January says a lot. Everyone around me sees how controlling and passive/aggressive his and tells me that I need to stop validating him. DH told me that if I can't express my feelings or validate how I feel for him, that would be deal breaker...meaning the marriage is over. 

I want to make sure that I have done EVERYTHING in my power this past 5 months to prove my love and show how committed I am to this marriage. I have also shown great remorse for my actions with the affairs. I have cut ties with the friend I had at the time and stopped going to the gym (gained 20 pounds back) and have done nothing outside of the house without a family member. I leave my cell phone (no longer passcode protected) laying where ever so he can look at it. Trust me...he does. He goes through it when I'm sleeping. I have nothing to hide from him. I have been extremely supportive and stood by as he went through all his emotions and rage. I took it all but nearly had a nervous breakdown after he physically went at me 2 months ago. 

Has anyone else been through this before or understand this behavior. I have a ton of other "examples" to share but I know this is getting extremely long of a post. So I am very curious what advise/insight you may have. Thanks.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Let me see if I have this correct....

You have not one but TWO affairs and you think it's unfair that your husband is insecure.

You push him away, tell him you don't love him and you still think it's his fault for being insecure.

You make HIM go to counseling about his insecurities and you STILL aren't happy.




Ok, I give up. What's the punch line?


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## Reality Stinks (Jun 26, 2014)

I have taken complete responsiblity for my actions and feel horrible. The issues with DH insecurities have been going on for the past 27 years based on his upbringing. I have asked him numerous times throughout those 27 years to go see a therapist and he never did. Yes....my affair(s) caused his insecurities to skyrocket and it is something that I will probably never forgive myself for....ever. I have my own issues and I am dealing with those with my own counseling. I have NEVER blamed his behaviors for my decision to go outside the marriage. That was all my doing and something I am working on. However, why is it that EVERYONE I have talked to (some that do not even know my DH) can see his behavior being concerning?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Because you opted to spread your legs for another dude. Actually, two dudes.

Why don't you just end it? It's not like fidelity matters to you or anything.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If my husband had an affair and I found out about it there is NO way I would be over it in 5 months. 

From what I've read the CWI forum here is that it can take up to 5 years for a marriage to heal from an affair.

You are being totally unrealistic.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

You broke the trust (twice?) You have to earn back the trust you spent from the two affairs. It could take a long time, he decides that schedule, not you. If you don't like it, then you have to leave. 

My ex-wife had an EA that I was willing to forgive, but she was not willing to forgive the things that led her to an EA. So its over. If you don't like the way he's processing infidelity, then maybe this chapter in your life is over, too.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Reality Stinks said:


> ....However, why is it that EVERYONE I have talked to (some that do not even know my DH) can see his behavior being concerning?


Simple...you spin the story to make yourself look good.

Blame game...you're the victim...he's the controlling problem.

Just get a divorce. You can blame him all you want after you leave him.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Yep-

Your story is all blame-shifting...rationalization...minimization....classic wayward-speak.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Can't really add much to what everyone is saying. You're quite a character aren't you?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Reality Stinks said:


> I have taken complete responsiblity for my actions and feel horrible. The issues with DH insecurities have been going on for the past 27 years based on his upbringing. I have asked him numerous times throughout those 27 years to go see a therapist and he never did. Yes....my affair(s) caused his insecurities to skyrocket and it is something that I will probably never forgive myself for....ever. I have my own issues and I am dealing with those with my own counseling. I have NEVER blamed his behaviors for my decision to go outside the marriage. That was all my doing and something I am working on. However, why is it that EVERYONE I have talked to (some that do not even know my DH) can see his behavior being concerning?


No you haven't. Not even close.

Responsibility means that you realize what you've done to this man and that you OWN his insecurity.

He'd be a complete idiot if he felt secure with you. Any rational person would. If you don't see that, I don't know what to say.

All this shifting of blame in my mind also makes you very vulnerable to having yet another affair, if you aren't already.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Reality Stinks said:


> I was quite nasty


Serial cheater with two guys, in addition to the horrible way that you treat your poor husband. I'd say this is the understatement of the year.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Reality Stinks said:


> Hello. This is my first post so let me give you some background. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for over 20 years and together 27. I have been with DH since I was 16 years old. We both come from very disfunctional families (alcoholism, emotional neglect, etc). Up until about August of last year, we were always known as the perfect couple. We are the only ones still in our first marriage on both sides of the family. Our parents and all our siblings have been married numerous times and most are currently divorced. DH and I have 2 sons ages 14 and 12.
> 
> Last October, a few days before our 20th wedding anniversary, I had a one night stand with someone at a bar while out of town with a friend. I was extremely intoxicated (something I have never done in my life) and was in an environment that I never put myself in. After the fact, I felt horrible but I never told DH. Things spiraled out of control at that point. I started feeling like I was a horrible person and started to realize that something was not right in our marriage. There was some issues in our marriage that I started to realize were much more concerning that I made myself believe. So I started to distance myself from DH and push him away. In the beginning of November of last year, I told DH that I was unhappy and felt the only way we could make the marriage work was for him to start to see a counselor.
> 
> ...


Methinks your attitude is totally bass-ackwards.

You have no idea of the depth of his anguish over what you have done.

Let you in on a little secret. He has yet to hit stride in the anger stage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Another vote for what everyone is saying.

YOu did the damage OP, it's YOUR job and responsibility to earn trust again and build it from 100 feet underground up.

It's going to take time. It can be months, but it will most likely be YEARS.

I would suggest you identifying exactly what happened and cause you to cheat.

Rather than shift blame etc, look in the mirror and figure yourself out. After all, you are LUCKY your husband is still with you.

I wouldn't be, that is SO low of you. I don't think you deserve him.

Put yourself in HIS shoes. How would you feel if he cheated on you with 2 women? What would you do? How would you feel? How long would it take you to recover (if EVER)?

YEAH


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The fact that you're trying to blame shift and rug sweep tells me that you do not have any actual remorse. I imagine you have some regret....mostly at getting caught, but I see zero remorse. I think you believe, deep down, that he deserved you cheating.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact that you're trying to blame shift and rug sweep tells me that you do not have any actual remorse. I imagine you have some regret....mostly at getting caught, but I see zero remorse. I think you believe, deep down, that he deserved you cheating.


Agreed

OP, please send this thread to your husband. He deserves to know that there is absolutely NO hope with you.

He is giving a 3rd chance to a person that doesn't even deserve ONE.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I see no remorse whatsoever, and I doubt your husband does either.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You didn't cheat because your marriage was bad. Your marriage is bad because you cheated. 

Go back and look at what you wrote. Before your one night stand your marriage had its problems but it was relatively stable. After you cheated that first time is when all hell broke loose and things really got bad. 

This is all your doing. Sorry, but it is.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

AND the ONS was days before their 20th anniversary. Perhaps I'm alone in thinking that makes it even worse.

Maybe her husband has always been insecure in the relationship for good reasons.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Woh People! Blame is really easy. You're proving that. 

Reality Stinks has had a pretty tough time, and being blamed all over again online isn't actually going to help her or her husband. 

I hear your pain Reality Stinks, my first marriage ended when my mind snapped, and I couldn't take it any more. While I didn't have an affair, I just couldn't look at my then H at all. I couldn't explain it either. Took me 3 years of counselling to understand that. We all have a self-preservation instinct that stops us from seeing the blinding reality sometimes. You want to stay married, you stop your mind from considering the pain it might be causing. But then suddenly you see it, and you can't go back to not seeing it any more. 

It's good you're having counselling. I agree your H also needs it. You've seen what you contributed to the problem, but you're not the only one contributing to the problem. For him to continue on and hope your guilt will let him off the hook from facing his issues (it's scary, I know), is a stupid non-solution. If he's genuine about staying married, he needs to do this for you. 

I get that it's all been one-way traffic in your relationship for years. You and he deserve better. I hope he sees the light. I get that you're exhausted. You are probably very vulnerable right now. How about you look at what you really need? If he doesn't want to join the party, his choice. 

I understand you want to give it your best chance as well. Maybe a short break away could do you two the world of good, and restore your equilibrium. I don't know what options you have, but even getting away for a weekend might help you both. Yes, he'll suspect you of having an affair, but an affair with yourself is probably a good idea right now.


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## srysyi (Jun 29, 2014)

Ok, I give up. What's the punch line?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Reality Stinks said:


> I have taken complete responsiblity for my actions and feel horrible. The issues with DH insecurities have been going on for the past 27 years based on his upbringing. I have asked him numerous times throughout those 27 years to go see a therapist and he never did. Yes....my affair(s) caused his insecurities to skyrocket and it is something that I will probably never forgive myself for....ever. I have my own issues and I am dealing with those with my own counseling. I have NEVER blamed his behaviors for my decision to go outside the marriage. That was all my doing and something I am working on. However, why is it that EVERYONE I have talked to (some that do not even know my DH) can see his behavior being concerning?


How can anyone who does not even know your husband comment on his behavior? Answer: They CAN'T. They can only comment on YOUR DESCRIPTION of his behavior. Your description is going to be filtered through the lens your own self-justification (which you are doing in the paragraph above).


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> How can anyone who does not even know your husband comment on his behavior? Answer: They CAN'T. They can only comment on YOUR DESCRIPTION of his behavior. Your description is going to be filtered through the lens your own self-justification (which you are doing in the paragraph above).


Yes, AND.

She said one very important point which everyone is dismissing because it doesn't fit inside their preconceived notions.

She said EVERYONE says her husband is a passive aggressive little weenie.

Okay, maybe she's lying. In which case, what are we to do? We will never know the truth. BUT...she came here, she admitted to not one, but TWO heinous acts, branding herself as an entirely unsympathetic person to get some help. So why didn't she lie about that? "Oh...I kissed a man while drunk and my husband went ballistic". Why...this lie is MUCH better than just 'everyone thinks he's an insecure wimp'. So Occam's razor suggests that maybe...JUST MAYBE...she's telling the truth.

So what if she's telling the truth?

I would suggest that for those who want to throw rocks, that you split your comments into two parts: One where you consider she is the horrible, moral degenerate that you believe her to be, and the other where you consider that maybe this woman has been emotionally pummeled for (read this slowly) *TWENTY SEVEN YEARS!*

Now, let's take that last point first. Madam, you are an idiot, and I mean that kindly. IF, as you say, you have faced horrible treatment for 27 years, you were stupid to stay. Let's get that out of the way, shall we?

Some of the other commenters have a very valid point. Unless a person is pretty emotionally disconnected, getting over infidelity is a multi year part process. You went to the raging inferno of his insecurity and not only dumped a large truckload of gasoline on it, you also kicked his rock of support out from under him.

I say this not to make you feel bad. I say this because that is the kind of emotional damage you now have to contend with. And you say that your well has run dry. I believe you. I sympathize with you. But that doesn't change the facts on the ground.

What now? I see two courses: one, cut the cord. You cannot save him. Let me say that again: you cannot save him. He has to save himself. And he MAY treat you like an emotional punching bag while he is standing back up...if ever. Because if this level of insecurity is a preexisting condition, what are the chances of actually FIXING it? Divorce him and don't look back (it won't be pretty)

Course two: You broke it, you bought it. It is your responsibility to help get him back on his feet. However, Mr. Clinger seems to have some issues. I would suggest that you will ONLY stay IF he gets therapy...you know to get over the emotional devastation of your infidelity. If the psychologist happens to kill a few of the alligators in his swamp of a personality, GREAT!

According to the Masses, you aren't allowed to make any kind of demands, but if what you said is true, I would hold to these guns on this one. No matter what happens, he needs to get help, and if 27 years of your style of help didn't do anything, what will? Obviously someone else.

Kudos for trying to get him to address this earlier. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't psychoanalyze him. It didn't happen.

BTW, I don't think you've fully dealt with this issue either. Because you have this background radiation of his multiyear offenses against your ego. You did a terrible thing. Keep at therapy and try to fix both yourself and maybe him...if he lets it happen


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm not saying OP doesn't have valid complaints about her marriage and dealing with her emotionally needy husband with passive-aggressive tendencies. I agree, her husband has issues of his own to make OP feel she's on the short end of the healthy marriage meter.

Having said that, the problem inlies that, once you step out of your marriage vows and CHEAT, creditability got thrown out the window. Instead of the focus being on her husband and his issues, it now becomes an issue of HER morality and honesty.

Is she telling the truth about her husband? Certainly yes. Is he causing some of her feelings of pain and misery? Again, yes. But CHEATING not once but TWICE negates his issues and now she has to deal with the consequences.

She had options in her marriage. Now, those options are extremely limited because of the lack of Trust that SHE created. That has to be fixed first, before any other marital issue can be looked at.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

the stories are all the same.

I guess the thing that is intriguing to me is how people who either cheat up front or meet someone and begin to rewrite history feel the need to go to a bunch of strangers to get approval for what they've done or what they plan to do. 

I think this is just an extension of an inability to take responsibility for one's actions and decisions. it's a dilution effect. the total responsibility is divided by the total number of people who agree with the person or at least agree with some part of their story or justification. 

of course that's nonsense.

The fact is that if these people could talk to anyone in their real life they would have to face what they've done or face what they're thinking of doing. And they don't want anyone in there real life you think ill of them. So next stop, the internet.

the shame that they feel and the reason for not talking to other people in their real life should be what tells them that what they want to do is wrong for one or more reasons. 

Just the idea that someone wouldn't have a one night stand while drunk if there weren't something fundamentally wrong in the relationship is blame shifting of the highest order. 

I think the biggest tragedy in this situation is the woman screwed up and now she wants to make it worse because her self image is more important for her to protect than protecting her family. 

I guess you could look at it as a person who uncharacteristically cheats has just gone through a traumatic experience and is in shock. so they start manufacturing stories that explain what occurred. but they do it in a way to minimize for the assault to their self concept. 
and I think that's why things get worse over time. Inside they know that they are solely to blame for what they've done and because of this they create crises out of mere problems. they have to ramp up the issues until they feel there is parity with the level of the horror that they have done. I think that's why waywards often bring devastation to the innocent spouse.

it's such f***** up psychology.

maybe trauma counseling is the right thing for cheaters. Maybe with that they would realize what they were doing and not lay waste to innocent people. 

sorry about the lack of capitals at the beginning of sentences. Speech to text doesn't seem to want to capitalize consistently.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

here's something else that's kind of funny. Look at the title of this thread.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Lila said:


> I agree with JCD's post 100%. You had serious unresolved issues in your marriage prior to the affairs that have now become unmanageable due to the cheating.
> 
> Putting that aside, there's one thing you specifically posted that caught my eye. You described one incident where your spouse was in a rage and yanked you by the shirt.
> 
> This is absolutely, positively NOT allowed. He can yell, he can rail, and he can call you every name in the book, but he's not allowed to physically touch you in anger in any way, shape, or form. You are not his punching bag.


First, thank you for the agreement.

Second, I am always careful about this last. I agree: in a perfect world, with perfect people, this is not allowed. It is not excusable. But it can be understandable.

To wit: a person who cheats on a spouse/lies to a spouse/ seriously insults a spouse/guts a spouse financially expects forgiveness. They did a wrong. They did a wrong that took more than a single second. This is a premeditated harm done to the spouse over several minutes, a day, a week, a month.

Grabbing a shirt takes one second.

So too should this be 'forgivable' with a show of remorse. But if it happens again, run. After all, she is asking to be for grabbing his testicles (metaphorically) and shaking them all over the place...not gently, might I add.

So repeat: no. Forgive the past offense: yes with remorse.

But I understand how much the size disparity between a man and a woman is very scary for her.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I would love to hear his side of the story. Can you have him set up an account and type in his side of things?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sandc said:


> I would love to hear his side of the story. Can you have him set up an account and type in his side of things?


He's probably shy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It seems obvious that your afriad to face the truth about your self, well whether you face it here or in front of the mirror the truth df the matter is that your a very selfish person and your husband insecurity i first came to to light with parents that drove abandonment issues then he meets you with the hope he can find someone who can help rebuild those issues but instead marriages a self centered person looking for her own needs...bravo mission accomplished


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Xenote said:


> It seems obvious that your afriad to face the truth about your self, well whether you face it here or in front of the mirror the truth df the matter is that your a very selfish person and your husband insecurity i first came to to light with parents that drove abandonment issues then he meets you with the hope he can find someone who can help rebuild those issues but instead marriages a self centered person looking for her own needs...bravo mission accomplished


1) Why is he seeking someone else to 'fix' him? How about he fix himself?

2) She stated that she talked to him MANY times over the years about his insecurity and his need for therapy. So this person he trusts and loves and choose to help him 'fix himself' tells him 'GET HELP!'...and he ignores her. Many times.

I know we are really big on the responsibility of cheaters on this site. How about holding him to frigging HALF the standard we hold cheaters to?

3) She only cheated recently, so I am unsure where you get this 'totally selfish person' thing. If she is NOW a totally selfish person, it is a recent event. What evidence do you have that she has always been this way? Cause from the sounds of it, this is an 'exit affair': the one right before she walks.

And even now, what is she saying? "How do I get rid of this weenie tot of a husband?" NO! She is saying "I want to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to help fix this insecurity of his".

Frankly, I think it's a bit of a martyr complex. "I will not be the worst guy here" (though OP...a bit hard when you are cheating)

This situation actually reminds me of a South Park Episode. Mr. Garrison invented a vehicle.










Yes, to ride this vehicle, you have to have something shoved up your rectum and fellate it. (they were making a clever observation that EVEN WITH THAT, it was still better than flying)

But let's face it: riding this machine would SUCK.

The OP has been riding that machine for 27 years...and then she 'joyrides' a car for the first time. "Oh...I DON'T need something shoved up my back end for a relationship? How...wonderful!' Having a relationship with a non neurotic. How...liberating!

Now, at this point, she should have ditched the Garrison mobile and bought herself a nice car. Instead she decided to continue to joyride. Bad on her. But understandable.


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## Anthony.W (Jun 6, 2014)

Reality Stinks said:


> He had tried everything in his power up to that point to convince me to stay but I pushed him away telling him I didn't love him and had no interest in being with him anymore. I was quite nasty at this point and felt it was the only way I could communicate with him.


Yes, you were nasty. Not to mention the affairs you had, you treated him like this even know about his insecurity and you still want him to forgive you? like others said, it takes time and he decides how long. Feel sorry for your husband.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

wonder if the OP will return. hopefully she's allowing the truth to watch over her and is trying to come to terms with it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If the roles were reversed and your H had two affairs, how would you feel?

You would not be angry? 

He did try to get you to go to the marriage retreat. He knew something was wrong with your distance to justify your affairs.

Then he found out you threw a bomb and gasoline on your marriage. so now his self esteem is in the gutter. 

He is not even your backup plan. He should not have to compete with OM1 and OM2.

He is better than both of them. He did not cheat with a married woman and mother of two kids that cheated on her family.

Good luck, but you need to show remorse. I hope you did use protection and have been tested for stds.

Find a counselor that will not tell you that what you did is okay.

Your H has PTSD from your cheating. How do you fix that? 

Give him the house and the kids and go with the OMs. They will cheat on you just like you did to your H.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Are you for real?? sorry but unless you come back with more posts no one can take you seriously. You sound way too clueless...almost to a comic level (which is what most fake posters are seeking I think...a little entertainment).

Assuming this story is legit, clearly the main issue is your character...your lack of. as I said on your other identical thread, your husband simply needs a better person as his marriage partner. I am not convinced you are capable of loving anyone.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Reality Stinks said:


> I have NEVER blamed his behaviors for my decision to go outside the marriage.


Perhaps not, but you sure don't think he is entitled to his anger and gave him an ultimatum if he didn't stop, as if he can just turn off how he feels after what you did to him.




> That was all my doing and something I am working on. However, why is it that EVERYONE I have talked to (some that do not even know my DH) can see his behavior being concerning?


Because those that side with you don't know what he is going through and don't understand the abuse, yes abuse, he has suffered under your infidelities. If they were in his shoes, they'd think MUCH differently, I am sure.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Reality Stinks said:


> I have learned that I also have very low self esteem and tend to put everyone elses needs ahead of mine...a true people pleaser.


Good that you've recognised this about yourself. How would you like to deal with this element of your character?



Reality Stinks said:


> Last October, a few days before our 20th wedding anniversary, I had a one night stand with someone at a bar while out of town with a friend.


Ta Daa!


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

OP, my husband only had an EA and I still go through his phone and computer every once in a while after a year. Trust is not gained back in just 5 months. I agree with most posters here. You did a wrong, and it's not okay to expect him to change anything.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

People who a lot of affairs emotional or otherwise have a character problem. So how can we be surprised that He has a story for excusing his behavior? How likely is it that a guy who's had 5 EA is also pulling the wool over our eyes? 

I mean if you are having one right now after all of this then maybe I could say yeah okay it's not a character issue, probably is something else. But the guy has a deep-seated character problem. And you know that could affect a wife. 

seriously I don't know what part of his story is the truth. Everything is suspect because cheaters lie.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stinks bolted from her own thread many many days ago. Didn't like what she was hearing, perhaps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Amazes me when someone cheats, and thinks their BS should just get over it and isn't entitled to be angry.

Don't want your spouse to be insecure? How about not f'in cheat on them in the first place?


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

I have to side with the OP on this one and I have to say I don't blame her from bolting from her own thread. Seems like some people are only reading the part where she says she cheated and ignoring the rest of the circumstances.

My STBXH cheated twice so I fully understand the pain it causes and as far as I'm against cheating everyone has their limits and it sounds like the OP was pushed past her limit. Rather than berating her for cheating perhaps consider that she stuck with a difficult marriage for a VERY long time and likely at great personal cost.

OP, my STBXH is also very insecure and much like your husband his insecurities stem from a difficult childhood. It's difficult to express how physically and emotionally draining it is to deal with the demands of someone like that. Not to mention the fact that they will often try to pull you down below their level in order to make themself feel safer/stronger/in control.

In the end I had to leave my STBXH, in part because he was becoming physically violent and in part because I could no longer shoulder the burden of his issues. 

It's extremely dificult to walk away from someone in this type of situation. I know in many ways I felt very selfish in doing so but there comes a point when you need to be a wife, lover, friend. To find your equal, rather than being a crutch for someone who will not and perhaps cannot ever change.

Kudos to you for really trying OP but at the end of the day you only live one life and you deserve your happiness.

When I left my STBHX I realized one thing that is perhaps relevant to your situation. Leaving him was going to hurt him, make him unhappy but staying would hurt both of us and make us both unhapopy.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> I have to side with the OP on this one and I have to say I don't blame her from bolting from her own thread. Seems like some people are only reading the part where she says she cheated and ignoring the rest of the circumstances.


Like what?

This is what she said in her other thread



> DH is a caring and sweet man but he is also very insecure and has extreme low self esteem


Other than him being insecure, what exactly did she have to deal with from a "caring and sweet man"?

Oh that's right, she said she had to spend 27 years validating her feelings to him. That is such a tragedy that she cheats on him with more than one man? I'm guessing his insecurities, and yes even as far back as she claims, stems from him knowing that she isn't exactly trustworthy. Perhaps she has strayed in some way before? Even if she denies it, something tells me she has given him reason to be insecure from way back when.

Not to mention in her other thread she tries to justify her cheating by blaming him. She made it clear it was all his fault.




> Rather than berating her for cheating perhaps consider that she stuck with a difficult marriage for a VERY long time and likely at great personal cost.


Well then I suppose she need not try to make him look like the ***hole here.


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