# Ready to reconcile already?



## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Two months ago, I was broken and torn into tiny pieces. Found an email that led to the revelation of my wife's EA with an old boyfriend from 20 years ago (he was a boyfriend from 20 years ago, but the EA is over the last year). I was crushed and very skeptical that nothing more than an EA had occurred. She really had been living two lives for the past year...things weren't bad at home, but she really became addicted to the extra attention from the OM. I've heard this type of WS referred to as a "cake-eater"...and this really does seem to fit...she liked the thrill of the EA but also the steadyness that our M provided. I truly believe that this was never about her looking to move on with someone else (of course, I could be wrong.)

Despite being crushed and devastated, I felt that I had to do everything I could to win her back...extra attention, time together without the kids, etc. And we were both receptive to this. As part of this, and part of what we thought would be a strong step forward for both of us, we talked about renewing our vows (the initial thought was to perhaps do this as part of a pre-planned trip to Vegas) including getting new wedding rings.

In the first weeks after the discovery of the EA, something just didn't feel right. There was a tension in her...I just sensed there was more to the EA...she had admitted that it had started to cross over to PA...I just felt like she was trying to get by with a misdemeanor instead of a felony. So, I started digging and snooping...and I found plenty of evidence of the EA and eventually found what I believed to be proof of a PA from all the way back in October (on the weekend of our anniversary, no less).

I confronted her about 3 weeks ago with all of this. Ultimately, she caved in and admitted to a PA...but with a different OM! She claims it was a ONS (with the expected parameters of being really drunk, it didn't mean anything, it just sort of happened, and it wasn't something she pursued.) I still dont believe that the original EA wasn't a PA nor do I believe that the admitted ONS wasn't more than just that (plenty of evidence that she continued to have contact after the PA, and also plenty of opportunity.)

Anyhow, that brings us to now...we have been to MC, I have started some IC, she has been 100% transparent since these revelations, she has had no contact with either of the OM, I have confronted both of the OM, and I fully believe that we are both committed to moving forward. But she's pushing too fast and this is creating its own new issues. Last night, as an anniversary gift (2 weeks early since we've agreed to not celebrate what is now a tainted date) she gave me a new wedding ring, one of the ones that we had looked at together, as a symbol of her re-commitment to me (us). The ring is great, the sentiment is great and the fact that she is professing her re-commitment is great...but I'm not ready to put the ring on yet, so she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for last night.

I want to accept the ring and I want to be able to get one for her, but I'm just not ready yet. On the surface, I think she understands this, but deep down, I know my non-acceptance of this ring really bothers her and I'm afraid that it will push her away again.

Thoughts?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Sometimes the person that violated the marriage gets into a rush to mend things for selfish reasons - she doesnt want to deal with the sadness and humility. 
I get why you're afraid to dive right this second but you also sent her mixed signals when you went looking at new rings. 
you both sound like you have lots of love for one another and like this is possibly going to turn out ok... but the faster you allow her to believe youre ok & mend then the less serious her EAs become. Along with putting that ring on is going to be the advance of more affection from her which could be met with standoffishness on your part if you arent quite there yet emotionally. Then you basically have even more problems!
The communication needs to be very clear & precise. Give her hope for healing by showing her your willingness to go forward... but wouldnt hurt to make her wait until youre emotionally sound again to put on the ring. Sure she will be sad but she should rightly spend some time thinking about her actions that almost broke your marriage apart completely. In a sense I am sure you emotionally divorced her when this happened because of the overwhelming feeling of being a doormat. Now whats left is resentments to sort & heal through, fear & trust issues and insecurities possibly knocking. HEAVY emotions to deal with in a short short amount of time. She needs to be realistic about your emotions and be grateful you didnt split!!!! good luck I hope your heart heals and ultimately these horrible events bring some good efforts on her part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are not alone on the ring thing. I'm also having a problem with putting my ring back on. Its been 7 months since I confronted W and we are commiting to the marriage, but that ring is just something that does not mean as much as it did. I know the relationship between us is important but the whole significance with the ring seams fake, its almost like the marriage bond has been broken, but the love between us is still there.
My wife still has hers on, always did, but she has only mentioned my ring a few times. I think she believes its to small. The ring was getting uncomfortable to wear when I confronted her.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Speaking as a former Disloyal Spouse, I can explain at least *some* of the rush. Of course there is a portion that's "sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist"--but from your Disloyal Spouse's point of view, they know all the pieces of the puzzle and what they did and did not do, and that what they did was wrong! So they "got it" and have seen the light, and they want to put it behind them and start working toward a better future with you. 

What a lot of disloyal's don't understand is that their Loyal Spouse does NOT have all the pieces of the puzzle, and they are still trying to put all the pieces together to make something that makes sense! See, all along the disloyal knew they were unhappy--seriously, life-changingly hurting--and for some reason the loyal usually didn't quite get the message that when the disloyal said "I can't live like this anymore" it meant "I might leave if this doesn't change." 

So the disloyal had TIME to prepare themselves and get used to the idea that they might be leaving. The Loyal Spouse **did not**!!! Usually they felt like it was sprung on them and thereafter, they're scrambling to figure out WTF? Once the disloyal drops the bomb, they also already know what they did, who they did it with, what it did or did not mean to them, and whether it was or was not wrong. I bet you can see why, once a Disloyal Spouse decides to return, they will often say, "Okay cool! Let's move on." The Loyal Spouse knows *NONE* of that, so when the time comes that the two reconcile, they are scrambling! They scramble to get the facts they need--they scramble to make sense of it--they scramble to figure out if they want to call it quits--they scramble to see how they contributed--they scramble to decide if they're willing to change and build something new! And all the while, the Disloyal Spouse says, "Well come on. Let's reconcile already." 

Here's my suggestion, How2BelieveAndMoveOn. Print out this post and show it to your wife. Ask her if she can kind of relate to the Disloyal side, and tell her if you relate to the Loyal Spouse side. Then I recommend that you two reach an agreement--something like, "For the next 30 days, let me ask you 1-2 questions a day that are really bugging me, and you answer those 1-2 questions fully and honestly. This will last 1 hour or less so it doesn't turn into a big, long interrogation. Then after 30 days, let's see if we're not in a better place to get married all over again." 

Finally, I suggest that you let her know you'd like to do the WHOLE THING again. Propose to her. Buy a little engagement ring. Plan a very private wedding (like you two and your pastor or a judge). And thereafter have your own "secret anniversary" that is just for you two. This will give her a little encouragement and give her something to look forward to a little.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks for the thoughts so far. Its all very confusing and conflicting...and the puzzle pieces analogy makes a whole lot of sense. There are certainly things that still don't make sense, even after I've been given the puzzle piece. For example...she says that she felt so bad about the ONS, that she regretted it and felt like a piece of sh*t. Yet she continued to put herself in the same vulnerable (toxic) environment. AND, it was this regret and feelings of unworthiness that led to the EA! She couldn't talk to me about the ONS and how it made her feel so instead she would talk to the old boyfriend who would tell her that "she wasn't a bad person." I couldn't comfort her thru the ONS, but the other guy could...he was there for her when I wasn't even allowed to be (understandable, but still f'ed up.)


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

maybe she has a closet serious sex addiction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> maybe she has a closet serious sex addiction?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doesn't really sound like it. Sounds like more of a standard, run of the mill affair...


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

How2BelieveAndMoveOn said:


> Thanks for the thoughts so far. Its all very confusing and conflicting...and the puzzle pieces analogy makes a whole lot of sense. There are certainly things that still don't make sense, even after I've been given the puzzle piece. For example...she says that she felt so bad about the ONS, that she regretted it and felt like a piece of sh*t. Yet she continued to put herself in the same vulnerable (toxic) environment. AND, it was this regret and feelings of unworthiness that led to the EA! She couldn't talk to me about the ONS and how it made her feel so instead she would talk to the old boyfriend who would tell her that "she wasn't a bad person." I couldn't comfort her thru the ONS, but the other guy could...he was there for her when I wasn't even allowed to be (understandable, but still f'ed up.)


 except for the ONS, this is almost exactly what my wife said about her A.. She felt like less of a woman because she can't have kids, she couldn't tell me her feelings , because I was unavailable at work , and the co-worker was a sympathetic ear, at first. How2believe, my advice is to be square with her and simply tell her you aren't ready yet, but that you are progressing. Surely, under the circumstances, she will understand.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

i really dislike the sentence" want to win her back". well so many fool men in this world still want to take the cheating spouse, moreover if they are not fully honest in telling the affair only admit EA not PA. WTF

how very poor the type of that men, the cheating spouse only use them never love them for the first place to have financial aid, second place to have the emotional support(if the OM is not there) . once the cheating wife reached the menopause and have no sexual appeal then the ****ing OM leave them which then direct them to realize that cheating is bad and so the regret comes. that's the end of their sucks journey.

well, i think you are one of the good husband in the world by trying to win her back. good luck


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Want to update on where things stand and also looking for some thoughts...

Over the last month and a half, I have really backed off the interrogation of my WS, have tried to focus on being loving, and focused on being the best me that I can be (exercise, mental fitness, etc). I have tried hard to avoid love extinguishers (cant honestly say that I've avoided them all, but have been pretty good at this). Initially, all of this seemed to be going well so I made plans to move forward with a sign of my recommitment to my wife. She had bought me a ring, as I've mentioned above, so I went ahead and ordered one for her. Addtionally, I've made plans for us to renew our vows this Saturday.

But...since ordering the ring and making the plans for this weekend, she seems to have pulled farther away from me (and everyone else, family/friends in her life too). Best I can tell, she is NOT in contact with the OM (and I've been looking/watching)...but she has fallen deeper into the fog. In many ways, she even knows that she's there. In our last MC session, we talked about how I've done many of the things over the last 3 months that she's been looking for me to do over the last 20 years, yet she doesn't know why she's fighting or resisting this "progress".

Anyway, our MC has suggested that somewhere along the way, I am likely going to have to offer her an "advance of trust/love" as a show of faith and commitment. This was my thinking with making these plans for Saturday, but I guess I hoped she would have been moving forward too but now she's not. 

I'm stuck with whether or not to go forward as planned for Saturday. Should I go ahead in a big leap of faith and maybe it will help snap her back into the commitment to move forward? A big Part of me thinks I should do this because one way or another it will tell me a lot (the other part of me is afraid of this too). Should I postpone my plans until she's in a better place/mindset? I've already got the ring and almost everything else can be moved back without too much trouble. Maybe its still too soon.

Thoughts???


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

I would postpone it. It won't mean anything if she says those vows because she feels she can't say no. You don't want to put pressure on for something like this - you want her to be enthusiastic about it.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

any update,


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Update: Last Thursday, her birthday, I offered her the new ring (which is what I did exactly 17 years before when I first proposed to her on her birthday). Remember our plan all along was to get new rings for each other and then to do a renewal ceremony, so I left it up to her if she was ready to go ahead with holding a ceremony now or would she want to spend sometime and plan something together. I told her that I had a nice day planned for us on Saturday that if she wanted to, we could include a renewal ceremony as part of...if not, we'd still just have Saturday as a special birthday "date". She chose to do everything on Saturday and that she would be okay with whatever I might have in mind. All she needed to do was to write her own vows for the ceremony.

So, on Saturday, after I ran in a 5k in the morning (gotta keep working on myself ya know!), we took a picnic lunch and our two sons out to a scenic river overlook to start our special day. My oldest son served as the officiant and the youngest was our ringbearer (and comedian during the ceremony), and I presented her with a new bouquet for the ceremony (which was a replica of her original one). It was a beautiful fall day, the ceremony was simple and it was great to have our boys involved. We had our lunch and a champagne toast and some hikers evern stopped to chat and wished us luck!

From here, we headed home, dropped the boys off and then set out for the rest of our date...a hot air balloon ride for two...I thought this was sort of a nice symbolic way for us to end the day (instead of a traditional honeymoon) and once we got over the initial fear of being 1,000 feet off the ground, it was great.

All in all, a very good day. She loved how I paid attention to the details for the day and at the same time didn't make this a "threatening" or overwhelming day (no big audience, no need to get dressed up, etc.) But, I'm still not convinced that she is "back". At one point during the day, she mentioned that she was struggling a bit with all of this...as she explained, she was struggling with trying to believe that she was worthy of all this. I assured her that she was, but even today, I can tell that she's still feeling this way. 

How do I feel at this point? I was still skeptical about doing the vows at this point, but in the end, I do believe that we are both recommitted to making this work, so we went for it. I still feel like I'm doing all the work and I have to be OK with this...I'm really being genuine in my approach of trying to give the love that I want to receive. I'm not getting that back yet, but I'm gonna keep trying...focus on making myself stronger, better, more attractive to her and at the same time being loving, non-judgemental and supportive towards her. 

I do think we made the right choice to do the vows and make a recommitment to each other. But, right now, I feel a lot for her but not nearly as much from her (if that makes sense). Oddly, I think I felt more love and warmth from her 4 months ago before all of this came to light than I do now. I know its still in there and I just need to be patient until she comes to grips herself with what has happened.


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