# He says he wont stop talking to her



## hurtmom (Jul 28, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 10 years, 4 of which have been married. We actually just celebrated of 4th wedding anniversary. I found out he has been having an affair for about two month now when we returned from our anniversary vacation. He says he doesnt want me to divorce him and we should go to counseling. So I have made the appointment. But he says he cant promise me he will stop talking to her. What is the point of counseling if he isnt going to stop talking or being with her? I love him and I want to make it work. We have two children who love their dad and I dont want them to ever think badly of him but I am so hurt. I try not to show my emotions in front of the children but I have had to start antidepressants to cope with day to day. 

I know that he has obviously built an emotional attachment to this person. He has said that he needs space and it will take time for us to fix this but how can we fix it if he isnt willing to start there with breaking the ties with her. I have found her phone number and he knows I have it but says if I contact her I will only make things 10 times worse. So of course this leads me to believe he has something there that he will be angry about losing if I do this. Why should he be happy with her if I cant be happy with him?

I am just so confused. I cant tell what his intentions are. He still wants to make vacation plans with our family almost as if this isnt happening. If I ask him a direct question it is always a round about answer. He gives me nothing but anger for being upset. Why?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Give him 2 options:

1) He breaks all contact with her - period, end of story.

2) If he won't break it - then he needs to pack his bag and be gone.

You can't waiver, you can't be 'tolerant' - if you are then you'll be dealing with this for the rest of eternity. This isn't a have his cake and eat it too. If he wants her, then he wants her but you don't have to play second fiddle.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

There is a way forward for you 

Firstly you need to think of YOU

Look after yourself, eat well, exercise and keep your mind clear. Try limiting the anxiety and stress.

*Stop the affair *then work on the marriage.

You need to take the thrill out of the affair. He does not want you to talk to the OW as it will rattle his cage, do not stand by he is manipulating you.

Give him one chance and one chance only, he writes a no contact letter to her.He writes, you read and approve he mails with you present , a text message with the same content will be a plus.

Reasons for no contact 

The Purpose Of No Contact

samples letters below

Sample No Contact Letters

He gives you full access to all his text messages, mail systems and details on how he contacts her and whose she is. Where she stays, mail addresses etc. 


If he declines say nothing and follow the next set of actions:

Kill this affair; Let his family know he is in an affair, do not be embarrassed it is his problem he is affecting your marriage. Let the OW’s husband know, assuming you can get hold of his details.

Normally I do not say call the OW but if you do not have her husbands number then do so.. no emotions just state the fact you know she is having an affair with your husband and it stop now, no further discussion. Do not listen to her lies.. put the phone down 

Tell his friends. Expose this to as many of his contacts as possible.

You WILL take pain he is PLAYING you, he will lie, he will threaten, be angry and it will bring out the worst of his personality 


*Do not be emotional, angry, or let any bad behaviours slip in when you are doing this. It is hard but keep composed. You are doing this because you love your husband and want to fight for the marriage. Look after yourself , eat well, rest, take away the anxiety. Be tough. *

This will be a long journey..

Do not move out the house or let him take any children with him, if he starts abusing you consider a court order hopefully this does not happen. 

Wait, be patient, carry on with life, do some soul searching and try to understand what you need to do to make things better in your marriage, there are always two sides to a story, act on these changes it is for your benefit.

Affair Care Coaching: 7 Steps to Rebuilding Your Marriage After the Affair is Ended

Please note only after he has stopped the affair can you rebuild the marriage.

The steps above is the recommended approach with the exception of contacting the OW, normally this is the OW's husband or if she is single her family. This approach works for the majority of cases...

Post as often as you like.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It is truly amazing how a cheater's mind works! I was once in your shoes. As I look back now, I can see how ridiculous our first visits to the marriage counselor must have looked. My estranged spouse refused to give up the other women. At one point he told the therapist, that it was up to me to win him back. On another visit, he told the therapist he was only there for an amicable divorce. Needless to say, I was done with that therapist; that particular counselor was okay with this. Marriage counseling isn't going to work, if one party is seeing someone else--period!

I'm with the other posters on this one. The affair most stop COMPLETELY then go to counseling.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

read this site for information, 
He has to stop all contact with the OW, if he is not willing tell him if and when he ever is willing that you are willing to work on the marriage and see if there is anything to salvage.
He is in the middle of Affair fog as we call it here....
Until the OW is out of his life he won't think straight.
If he isn't willing starting working towards a separation agreement so you are protected if it doesn't work out...
Treat him like the best wife possible, tell him you still love him but aren't willing to have a third person in your marriage, tell him if he has chosen the OW over your marriage that he can go and move on with his life......
When he thinks of losing his life for someone he only has know for a short time he will reconsider.....
read, learn and follow the advice of the vets here.......


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