# Should I outright leave or try to work it out?



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Reasons:

1) lately, whenever husband goes out w/ boys he gets a number

2) has convos with these new girls during the week, while at work, etc. (text & bbm)

3) found ecstasy in the laundry when I cam back from a short trip (I tested it)

4) bets on sports on a weekly basis (he doesn't know I know - keep seeing the calls to the bookie). Nothing to show for it

5) may be hiding $$ (see reason 4)

6) recent aquantaince has hinted at a reputation (told a friend of mine who was complaining about her husband not taking kids somewhere "it could be worse... you could be married to so-and-so" so-and-so being MY husband!

Married for 5 years, been together 8 years, no kids, no house.

P.S. 3 yrs ago I caught on to a "friendship" he was having with a girl (he stated she was 26, Latina and lived in the Bronx, recently broken up from her bf and was seeking advice) I know found out she was 21 at the time, not Latina and lives in Queens. I told him to stop - quit while he was ahead and I beleiev he did. Did not see anymore calls to her from that point on. No access to phone records now since he put his new one (a blackberry) under the business...


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

I don't think there is a clear cut you should leave or you should stay in a given situation, short of are you in physical danger?

With that said it sounds like you have boundaries and he has crossed them. You need to communicate with your husband and let him know what your boundaries and expectations are. Don't assume anything. 

Once you've established that be true to yourself. If you aren't ok with something stand up for yourself. It may lead to you making some very difficult decisions, but if you stay true to yourself you will feel better about it in the end. Trust me. 

I just recently made a very difficult decision to confront my wife about an EA and it's ultimately let her to look at how she got herself in a place to do that. Ultimately she's decided she isn't capable of being married and is leaving me. It sucks, it breaks my heart, but in the end I was true to myself and I can be proud of that if I am ever in another relationship.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

No physical danger and you are 100% correct he has crossed MANY boundries and it def needs to be communicated. I am at a poitn that if he is just honest and tells me he wants out I will be ok with it. I am sick of the lies and sick of thinking he's out doing so many different things when I have no proof. I can't live like that - I am making myself sick.

Thanks for your support, especially noting that I need to stand up for myself


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Anonny123 said:


> No physical danger and you are 100% correct he has crossed MANY boundries and it def needs to be communicated. I am at a poitn that if he is just honest and tells me he wants out I will be ok with it. I am sick of the lies and sick of thinking he's out doing so many different things when I have no proof. I can't live like that - I am making myself sick.
> 
> Thanks for your support, especially noting that I need to stand up for myself


I totally get the making yourself sick part. It took me months of snooping before my wife (soon to be ex) slipped up and gave me something concrete. She manipulated me into thinking that nothing was going on and when she found out I was snooping she made me feel like **** for doing so.

When I finally caught her up in her lies I told her how dare she make me feel like that when she was the one lying all along. She completely owned up to everything including that she was wrong for treating me like that deliberately. Even though our marriage is now ending, I feel so liberated knowing that I found out the truth and she owned up to it and apologized for it.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Even if he doesn't own up to anything he's going to feel like real s**t when he realizes I know about all the stuff he's doing stuff behind my back. He doesn't act like a married man at all. Gets numbers everytime he goes out like he's back in the dating scene. UGGHHH thank god NY just signed No Fault Divorce into law!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What is the attraction you have to stay with him? He is a drug user, a gambler, a liar, and a cheat.

Seriously, why are you there?


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

michzz said:


> What is the attraction you have to stay with him? He is a drug user, a gambler, a liar, and a cheat.
> 
> Seriously, why are you there?


When you love someone unconditionally sometimes even things like that can't destroy that.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Michzz,

I have slowly come to learn that is what I am married to. I guess I never wanted to believe it bit now I am coming to terms with it - regardless of proof I think. I also feel I have fallen out of love with him but I am going to therapy to make sure...


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## Anastasia (Mar 17, 2009)

Whether you are in love with him or not.....that doesn't change his behavior. If he wants to act like a single man....then he should be a single man. My hubby has been conversing with women for the 11 yrs. we have been married. The last two years, I have not found anything inappropriate, but If I do in the future, I can't stay with him. I've tried for so long to hang in there, but eventually, you start to not respect yourself, get sick of not trusting, and get tired of being disappointed. Seeing how you have no children together.....I would let him be single. You don't want him as a father for your future children.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

BuddyL33 said:


> When you love someone unconditionally sometimes even things like that can't destroy that.


I didn't invalidate the "feelings" involved. However, she is at risk financially, legally, physically (STDs), and emotionally.

The man does not respect her. 

So even if there is an attachment to him she ought not be there.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies. 

Anastasia - I am (or I was) a very laid-back, down to earth, realistic person. I know we're all human and we are attracted to the opposite sex and I know you can be given attention when your significant otehr isnt around (the bank, teh car wash, etc). I haev no problem with him having friends - coworkers, etc but the fact that he gets numbers and converses in a ridiculously flirtatious manner is what kills me!! I feel liek the longer I stay teh worse I will make things for myslef. I don;t want to develop trust issues and have a wall up if I end up entering the dating scene again (not even thinking of being w someone else just need to get out and let him be)

Michzz - you're so right about the risks. Even if let's say he's not having sex with these girls, maybe just flirting/EA - there is a great financial and legal risk at hand w the gambling and the drugs. 

WHAT A MESS!! WHAT A MESS!! Sad part is I think most of his friends know what he's up to and I feel liek such a fool around them


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Anastasia said:


> Whether you are in love with him or not.....that doesn't change his behavior. If he wants to act like a single man....then he should be a single man. My hubby has been conversing with women for the 11 yrs. we have been married. The last two years, I have not found anything inappropriate, but If I do in the future, I can't stay with him. I've tried for so long to hang in there, but eventually, you start to not respect yourself, get sick of not trusting, and get tired of being disappointed. Seeing how you have no children together.....I would let him be single. You don't want him as a father for your future children.


I take it you may have children - is that why you've stayed w him?


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## Anastasia (Mar 17, 2009)

That is exactly why I stayed. I always had hope he would stop, and when he convinced me that he had....I would find out it wasn't true. I realize it's not all my fault, but some deep personality/ eomotional thing on his end. I hope by my staying, my son will have a good relationship with him. We are in the military, so if I left, we would live across the U.S. from him. But yes, I'm afaid that if you stay, you will become bitter, not respect yourself, and have major trust issues. If I get divorced in the future, I don't even want to think about being in a relationship for a long time.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Anastasia said:


> That is exactly why I stayed. I always had hope he would stop, and when he convinced me that he had....I would find out it wasn't true. I realize it's not all my fault, but some deep personality/ eomotional thing on his end. I hope by my staying, my son will have a good relationship with him. We are in the military, so if I left, we would live across the U.S. from him. But yes, I'm afaid that if you stay, you will become bitter, not respect yourself, and have major trust issues. If I get divorced in the future, I don't even want to think about being in a relationship for a long time.


I agree with you Anastasia - i am not thinking of leaving b/c of someone else (last thing on my mind). It's b/c of the hurt and teh trust issues. I am constantly questioning his whereabouts and his word. I was never like that and I don't want to become unstable b/c of his ill treatment of me


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Well I read your posts. I will also profess to being a hopeless romantic and believing that if you truly want something it is worth working for.

That being said. Do you still love him? Want to be married to him? If so I say give it a shot. If not, time to run.

The giving it a shot may not last long. Giving it a shot would be something akin to. 

"I'm going to say two sentences. Do not interrupt me. I want you to think hard before answering. I don't want excuses, I don't want lies. If you start giving me either I will leave immediately. 

I know you are cheating on me (_no need to specify EA or PA here - plain and simple - he's cheating_), doing drugs, gambling. Real simple, do you want to stop these things immediately and work on saving our marriage or do you want to give me excuses and lies and end the marriage?"

I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like he will take you up on the offer. But if you do want to try...got to give it a shot. Likely he will deny, turn everything on you etc. Expect it.

BTW, please do not do it if you are only trying to get him to bend to your will and are not ready to stand behind it. Do what needs done ahead of time if you must to make certain you can financially and mentally break ties and survive.

I truly am sorry you have to go through this misery.

Best Wishes,


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

@ONE - thank you so so much for your reply. I think you are totally right that i have to be stern and stick to basic questions and be heard. My therapist and lawyer said the same to me. 

I honsetly don't feel that I am in love with him anymore. I have put up with way too much and looked past what he did to me 3 years ago only to find out he's doing it again and much, much more. I am just worried that he will want to fight to save the marriage. The trust is completely broken, there's smoke in my eyes everytime I look at him. I am embarrased in front of certain family members and friends b/c I feel that they know what he's up to. I think I am prepared b/c 3 years ago I literally got sick to my stomach. This time I feel empowered. I have a great job and can totally survive on my own. I'm the only one who has been saving money anyway. All his extra $$$ goes towards gambling and whatever else he does...


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

_LOVE IS THE MATTER OF THE HEART- LISTEN TO WHAT THE HEART TELLS YOU_


The hidding was some info for everyone who-​ ​Thinks they should leave out of their marriage. Now, with a lot of the things you named off on this info you have written really does not show he has done much wrong. Well, for one doing drugs is not to smart and that part is in the wrong, him betting on the games it is an okay thing to be doing- sometimes but not as much as you are saying he is doing. Now, about the girl thing that one is down right wrong and he should not have done so and should not even be doing so...

After me sitting here and reading some​Of your posting you have written for people to help you on... I do see that you, really do not have a whole lot of trust in your husband which is very understandble- trust is something that is earned and something that will go when you cheat on your loved ones. Which he has done with you many of times. You, though on the other hand you, keep on forgiving him, you keep on trusting him- and all he does is keep on hurting you​
I really on this part cannot say this​But it is true though; Maybe you two should not have gotten married so young. When it comes to getting a divorce it is painful and is even more painful when you are really in love with the person- or even having love for them. But now as I do see it, I do not think you, should keep on having your heart get broken. Maybe you should think of leaving for a few days see how it feels not being with him. I am not talking as a trip it is a short break up... Then as the wife you, can also see what he would be doing and how he would be acting on you leaving. But then again you, most likely will be hurt and see him jumping right into having a female over. But then you would see though what type of person your husband really is....​
I do not want to hurt you- I am speaking​The truth here. I do hope though you still come to me and ask for my help. I am telling you, everything that is coming into my visions- well, most of the things I will not post everything on here for others to see; that is for you, and you only to know. If you wanted other people to know what I picked up from you- you would have posted it. So this will be left between you and me​
Thank you,
BlueEyedBeauty


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