# Ladies, would this be a bad thing to ask for



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I have to wonder how this would go down with you ladies. Ok you are very L D and always have been. Your husband is HD . You have a wonderful marriage,home, kids,money, But you could careless about sex and never have really enjoyed it.There has always been tension and resentment about sex. So your husband comes to you and says I understand where you stand with sex. And I am willing to let you have it your way. But I am going to fine a women to take care of my needs. {1] You admire him for being so kind to you and letting you off the hook. {2} You resent him for asking and inform him that he can not have sex with you or any other women. {3} You realize what a bad wife you have been and try to improve as to not lose him to another women ???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, why did you marry her knowing you were so sexually incompatible? 

Second...it depends on the individual woman. Some may say, Great, find a lover and then 
a. and I will leave or
b. carry on because it's still not going to change my sex drive.

All depends on the individuals.

But you will never know how YOUR particular wife will respond until/unless you ask...

Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My aunt and uncle actually had this arrangement. She told him that she was never interested in having sex again and told him that he was free to find sex elsewhere, as long as things did not evolve emotionally. So, that is what they did, they were married for like, forever, and were still together when she died.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Just Wondering said:


> I have to wonder how this would go down with you ladies. Ok you are very L D and always have been. Your husband is HD . You have a wonderful marriage,home, kids,money, But you could careless about sex and never have really enjoyed it.Why? Emotional issues? Medical issues? Lack of connection issues? Tell me the reason I don't have interest in sex otherwise the answers aren't accurate.There has always been tension and resentment about sex. Again,why? And why did you marry me in the first place? Why did I marry you knowing you wouldn't be ok with my low drive?So your husband comes to you and says I understand where you stand with sex. And I am willing to let you have it your way. But I am going to fine a women to take care of my needs. {1] You admire him for being so kind to you and letting you off the hook.that would never happen. {2} You resent him for asking and inform him that he can not have sex with you or any other women.If he's going to have sex with another woman,he can go be with her full time then.Why keep one foot in the door while your d*ck dangles outside? {3} You realize what a bad wife you have been and try to improve as to not lose him to another women ???Have I actually been a bad wife or are there things he has done to murder my sex drive? I need details before I can choose option 3.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I'd be like "sure go find another women, but I'm going to go find another man to meet my needs then."


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I'd be like "sure go find another women, but I'm going to go find another man to meet my needs then."


"If you go find someone else, I'm gone. Your forcing my position, because you refuse to meet my needs. I will not have sexless life"


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If my husband asked to be with another woman, I'd pack my bags and leave. I would file for divorce and not reconcile.

There are many opinions of what low drive actually is. Some men think 2-3 times a week is low drive while others think once a month or less is low drive(in my opinion, this would be low drive).


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> There are many opinions of what low drive actually is. Some men think 2-3 times a week is low drive while others think once a month or less is low drive(in my opinion, this would be low drive).


True.VERY True.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Ok point taken,One of the questions you asked was why did I married her. Do you really think that all the sexless marriages started when guys were dating.Of coarse not.You dated, You had a lot of good times,Maybe a lot of good sex,Then things change.You are so right about my question. No it would not work and I would never suggest the idea. But I do find it a shame when a LD person change's in marriage. And the HD partner has to live with it.If there is a reason for it fine work it out. From what I see most LD people will not ever be truthful or even know what the hell is wrong anyways with them or the relationship.Some one us will never know the reason why ??? But we are expected to live with it. Its just a shame when one person does not enjoy sex and expects the other to adjust their life to it. How simple is it to take care of your man?? You hear so many women complaining about it does not last very long. When do you think you could play the drums very well if you never practiced. So sorry for starting this thread. I so feel the whole lack of sex and affection in marriage is hopeless . Nobody is changing . And this is the card you got in life ??


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't think anyone is trying to blame you. They are just trying to understand your situation better. 

This topic is obviously a very sore spot for you. I don't envy your position in it at all. You are correct in that your options in dealing with this are very limited. But you still have the choice to do nothing and continue to feel this way or leave.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i think this is rediculous.

if my spouse came to me and said i dont desire sex anymore, i would simply say, "funny, i wasnt feeling like talking or relating emotionally to you anymore"

i dont have to meet your needs but you have to meet mine? huh?:scratchhead:


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would think okay, fair enough, because I'm a reasonable person who doesn't believe in enforced celibacy just because one partner doesn't like sex.

But i think I'm in the minority.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I'd be like "sure go find another women, but I'm going to go find another man to meet my needs then."


But that's not the scenario, which was that his wife never wanted sex again, presumably not with anyone, not just him. If that's NOT true, then she should be glad to offer a divorce, unless her lack of interest is because she's cheating on him.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> But that's not the scenario, which was that his wife never wanted sex again, presumably not with anyone, not just him. If that's NOT true, then she should be glad to offer a divorce, unless her lack of interest is because she's cheating on him.


Yes, but I have other needs besides sex that I need to have met. I'm just saying if my H felt like he needed to see someone else to have his needs met (whatever they may be) then I should be free to do the same.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

x598 said:


> i think this is rediculous.
> 
> if my spouse came to me and said i dont desire sex anymore, i would simply say, "funny, i wasnt feeling like talking or relating emotionally to you anymore"
> 
> i dont have to meet your needs but you have to meet mine? huh?:scratchhead:


I think your idea is childish. If she were medically unable to have sex due to disablilty, would your response change? Actually, LD is a kind of medical issue, probably due to hormone imbalance, so in a way it's no different. You can stil be very much in love with a disabled spouse who can't participate sexually, and you can be very much in love with a LD spouse. However, in both cases you can also be frustrated and unhappy to the point where the issue could induce you to divorce them. Perhaps the better solution IS to get the sexual needs met elsewhere rather than destroy an otherwise great relationship with one problem which is no-one's fault.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Yes, but I have other needs besides sex that I need to have met. I'm just saying if my H felt like he needed to see someone else to have his needs met (whatever they may be) then I should be free to do the same.


That could be negotiated. He gets his sexual needs satisfied elsewhere, you get a nonsexual need satisfied elsewhere - assuming he isn't able to do so.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Isn't able or isn't willing? or both? What is fair?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I think your idea is childish. If she were medically unable to have sex due to disablilty, would your response change? Actually, LD is a kind of medical issue, probably due to hormone imbalance, so in a way it's no different. You can stil be very much in love with a disabled spouse who can't participate sexually, and you can be very much in love with a LD spouse. However, in both cases you can also be frustrated and unhappy to the point where the issue could induce you to divorce them. Perhaps the better solution IS to get the sexual needs met elsewhere rather than destroy an otherwise great relationship with one problem which is no-one's fault.


childish? NOWHERE did you state some sort of health of disability issue. you stated LD or LOW DESIRE. you also stated



> There has always been tension and resentment about sex.


yet, you then changed your story saying it was good in the begining.

so which one is it? i dont play the game when the rules change during it.

i stand by what i said, if i married someone who was fine with sex only later to turn out to be LD, then i would find that as disengenous. 

i have friends whoose wives CLAIMED to love football when they dated. now of course, after being married, they want nothing to do with it. is this any different? can it be blaimed on a disability? gag.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think anyone is trying to blame you. They are just trying to understand your situation better.
> 
> This topic is obviously a very sore spot for you. I don't envy your position in it at all. You are correct in that your options in dealing with this are very limited. But you still have the choice to do nothing and continue to feel this way or leave.


Thank You Trace,I so admire where you come from Girl ?? This is not an easy fix.The problem is bigger than life it self. I will hear from the board by saying this but. I am a man I do alot of asking other men, Mostly friends I would have to say that are in the same boat as I. I bet 80 % of married men do not have a well balanced sex life.And there is not one thing we can do about except leave the marriage.If you don't want to upset the apple cart that's the way it is. The shame is my wife does not require sex to be fulfill in life, She does not need touch,held,kissed,But I love her and always will. At times I say to myself is it worth throwing it all away for sex. Not really. But the funny thing is she loves me. But that does not make her horny for me. I truly believe she is Asexual and there is no cure.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Just Wondering said:


> Thank You Trace,I so admire where you come from Girl ?? This is not an easy fix.The problem is bigger than life it self. I will hear from the board by saying this but. I am a man I do alot of asking other men, Mostly friends I would have to say that are in the same boat as I. I bet 80 % of married men do not have a well balanced sex life.And there is not one thing we can do about except leave the marriage.If you don't want to upset the apple cart that's the way it is. The shame is my wife does not require sex to be fulfill in life, She does not need touch,held,kissed,But I love her and always will. At times I say to myself is it worth throwing it all away for sex. Not really. But the funny thing is she loves me. But that does not make her horny for me. I truly believe she is Asexual and there is no cure.


No there is not a cure. But, in a healthy marriage she should work on meeting your needs not because she has to, but, because she loves you and wants to. 

I don't like listening to my H talk about his day (I have no clue what he is talking about, so it is rather boring) but I do it, and I do it happily and lovingly because it is important for him to feel heard and respected. 

If your wife is not even willing to consider your needs, there are larger issues in play than just a lack of sex IMO.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

I guess we are lucky we both have changed, we used to be intimate a lot when just starting relationship, now 5 years later we only want to be together physically 5 times a month. I suppose it is LD for a lot of people but it is fine with us. We are still young btw. Of course we are affectionate, we hold each other every night and hug a lot. Even when things are not so great, that haven't changed. 

Sorry for your situation, maybe she has hormonal issues.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> I think your idea is childish. If she were medically unable to have sex due to disablilty, would your response change? Actually, LD is a kind of medical issue, probably due to hormone imbalance, so in a way it's no different. You can stil be very much in love with a disabled spouse who can't participate sexually, and you can be very much in love with a LD spouse. However, in both cases you can also be frustrated and unhappy to the point where the issue could induce you to divorce them. Perhaps the better solution IS to get the sexual needs met elsewhere rather than destroy an otherwise great relationship with one problem which is no-one's fault.


Married.....your post just ran in a circle.

If his idea is childish...but he SHOULD get sex elsewhere, then his initial question is valid. He needs to tell her first.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My sex drive was a lot lower until I met my current hb and had good sex. Then I realized what I was missing; I don't think I'm alone in this regard. I'm absolutely NOT suggesting you're not good, just sharing my experience. A lot of men really aren't great lovers, not because they don't want to be but because they never learned. Pleasing women isn't easy AND you need a woman that knows her own body and is willing, and the rise of male centric porn that shows men taking and not giving while the women suck their fingers and scream doesn't help. Does your wife masturbate (suggesting she does indeed have a sex drive)? I always did even when I didn't necessarily want sex with my ex. If she does you might have something to work with, if not you're in trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

My question would be, what was the frequency pre-marriage? When did the frequency start to change?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> Ok point taken,One of the questions you asked was why did I married her. Do you really think that all the sexless marriages started when guys were dating.Of coarse not.You dated, You had a lot of good times,Maybe a lot of good sex,Then things change.You are so right about my question. No it would not work and I would never suggest the idea. But I do find it a shame when a LD person change's in marriage. And the HD partner has to live with it.If there is a reason for it fine work it out. From what I see most LD people will not ever be truthful or even know what the hell is wrong anyways with them or the relationship.Some one us will never know the reason why ??? But we are expected to live with it. Its just a shame when one person does not enjoy sex and expects the other to adjust their life to it. How simple is it to take care of your man?? You hear so many women complaining about it does not last very long. When do you think you could play the drums very well if you never practiced. So sorry for starting this thread. I so feel the whole lack of sex and affection in marriage is hopeless . Nobody is changing . And this is the card you got in life ??


Just wondering, I see the point you are making. I am not in this situation but I do hear things. I and hear these kinds of stories quite often. And to answer your question, no, why should you be expected to live with an unfulfilling sex life? So it's up to you and your wife to find a solution together, and if that doesn't work, you will have to decide how you will deal with the situation. I like your hypothetical multiple choice scenario. Maybe you'd get in trouble for it, but as Jellybean said, how can you know? I actually knew a woman years ago who said that she wouldn't mind if her husband had someone else on the side so that he would leave her alone physically because he was too demanding in her opinion....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just Wondering said:


> Thank You Trace,I so admire where you come from Girl ?? This is not an easy fix.*The problem is bigger than life it self. I will hear from the board by saying this but. I am a man I do alot of asking other men, Mostly friends I would have to say that are in the same boat as I. I bet 80 % of married men do not have a well balanced sex life.And there is not one thing we can do about except leave the marriage.If you don't want to upset the apple cart that's the way it is. The shame is my wife does not require sex to be fulfill in life, She does not need touch,held,kissed*
> 
> But I love her and always will. At times I say to myself is it worth throwing it all away for sex. Not really. But the funny thing is she loves me. But that does not make her horny for me. I truly believe she is Asexual and there is no cure.


This seems to happen far too often.... Not the A-sexual though...if she was truly A-sexual ... she would not have been interested / wanting it in the early years... wouldn't you think? 

I do wonder what has slowly changed.. work loads, kids, conflict, growing resentments, passive behavior....that the sex life was Happening & fulfilling back then....to where you are now..... do you feel you have missed HER *love languages* along the way? Obviously she is not "touch" but maybe "Acts of service" or something on your bottom....and you've missed each other... Is she stressed, depressed, is she on any meds to steal her sex drive, has she lost physical attraction? ..

I feel very bad for your situation... *it's just NOT OK*... If I was the woman, I would recognize my own hand of LACK in pleasing my husband and allow him an outlet - if I insisted on being an unmoved cold prude, I would know this was not fair to him & he was suffering...... but this is not going to be your average answer, and it's easy for me to say this, cause I am high drive & would appreciate the same consideration if I was in your shoes. 

Have you talked about it with her...asking what she deeply desires FROM YOU... that could bring you closer together in the intimacy department ... after all...  Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband

I would not be able to live with a spouse who cared little to nothing for my needs (emotional & physical).... it always amazes me when MEN , like yourself have not grown a truck load of *resentment* towards their rejecting or 0 enthusiasm wives....every time you have to take care of yourself, how does this not infuriate you... causing great frustration and pain ?? I would not understand this...as I would be very very angry...and hurt. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

Then some women just don't "get it" because they have never been High drive, they truly do NOT know how you feel in this.. but for those who DO.. it is pure cruelty...

Does SHE UNDERSTAND HOW STRONGLY YOU FEEL ?? Here is a another way to look at this... as far as Hope -for change is concerned...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/39526-five-cases-refusal-what-really-means-refused.html



> *SawneyBeane said*:
> 
> I thought about this, based on reading here and what friends who are regularly refused tell me.
> 
> ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can understand your frustration, but looking outside of the marriage is a sure way of destroying it.

I would ask her to read 'His needs Her needs', by W. Harley. This is what helped me come to grips with a similar situation. Things improved greatly from there. This is coming from the wife who has the low sex drive.

Just to add a little more to this: initially in the relationship I made DH aware I had a low sex drive. After we settled into married life etc, it gradually got worse. I don't really know why but everyone is aware of the first stages of a relationship and how as people become more comfortable they become less eager to please. It's not deliberate, but it's something both people will be guilty of, just that a lack of sex can be a quantifiable thing and so is more obvious than the husband who, for example, might be less considerate or conversational. 

Now, after research and coming to forums etc, I link my loving, funny, considerate husband with his 'frustration scale'. When he's short with me I immediately think, 'when did we last have sex?', and I can pretty much guarantee that it'd been a few days. A week will start to show real problems. Even though I enjoy sex, I just don't think of it much. I could go weeks without and not be concerned. The only reason I have sex more often is because I want a loving husband. I give and therefore he gives. Unfortunately it'll always be me who has the ultimate control over how happy we are in our marriage, makes it feel a little unfair really to have the responsibility, but these are the cards I've been dealt, and so, I deal with it.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

breeze said:


> I can understand your frustration, but looking outside of the marriage is a sure way of destroying it.
> 
> I would ask her to read 'His needs Her needs', by W. Harley. This is what helped me come to grips with a similar situation. Things improved greatly from there. This is coming from the wife who has the low sex drive.


book also help my situation some


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Why do so many marriages take on adversarial positioning when dealing with issues.

One spouse being HD and the other being LD isnt' the issue. The issue is not working on finding common ground that both are happy with.

Sorry to say but if a wife is LD AND is bitter about being asked for sex....he vajayjay hasn't dried up...it's dried up FOR YOU! That's the problem. The two of you need serious marital counseling to sort through the layers of problems that have infested your marriage. Complete lack of sex drive is either a serious medical issue which can be treated (and the wife would usually have an attitude like "I know you want more sex but I just can't seem to muster the desire", which shows she wants to have sex but can't get her "motor going". 

And then there's the dismissive "Not tonight dear...I have a headache. not tomorrow either, I know I'm going to have a headache" type. This is showing that there's some deeper issues at play and your wife has let resentment over other issues reduce her desire for you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

breeze said:


> I can understand your frustration, but looking outside of the marriage is a sure way of destroying it.
> 
> I would ask her to read 'His needs Her needs', by W. Harley. This is what helped me come to grips with a similar situation. Things improved greatly from there. This is coming from the wife who has the low sex drive.
> 
> ...


Interesting perspective Breeze. You see that as a burden. 

From the other perspective though, how would you feel if you there the partner without the control over it?

I feel for you but can relate a bit (from you husband's perspective). My wife and I are similar but I think her sex drive is higher than yours. She's on a 2 week schedule and I'm a 1 week kind of guy (how long before lack of sex affects who we are as people LOL).


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## taherehamiri (Dec 27, 2013)

Hi
I am 33 years-old and divorced newly.
I am so depressed and I do not know what should I do.
Please help me


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## HossLanier (Dec 26, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If my husband asked to be with another woman, I'd pack my bags and leave. I would file for divorce and not reconcile.
> 
> There are many opinions of what low drive actually is. Some men think 2-3 times a week is low drive while others think once a month or less is low drive(in my opinion, this would be low drive).


I think once every 6-8 months is LD and very selfish on her part.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Instead of giving these options, I would just assert myself and say that either this changes or it is time to move on. I gave my wife an ultimatum. I am not sure that it has made any difference. However, the difference is that I would want the entire package or none at all.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I'd be like "sure go find another women, but I'm going to go find another man to meet my needs then."


What specific needs does she have that only a man can take care of?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

If my husband wanted to find another woman to have sex with, then i would tell him to leave.

There is no way i would ever want, or let my husband have sex with another woman.

I would like to also add tho, that i do not think its right in a relationship to deprive your wife/husband of sex either.... But do you not know what your partners sex drive is like before you married them.

I agree tho with a PP it all depends what some people class as not a lot of sex. My husband and I have sex about 3 times a week, and by reading some threads/posts on here some people think that is not a lot of sex, and some would say "how boring" and could say they could not live like that, but for my husband and I, this is ample sex for us.

My husband does get up tho 5 days a week at 3 and into work by 4 so he does get tired, and also with 5 children i get very tired as well, so were quite happy with this, its enough for us.

If my husband was not satisfied, or he was feeling neglected, and he felt he wanted more, then i would also do something about this as well, if he wanted something he would get it, same goes for me.

We would discuss it if we had a problem.


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## HossLanier (Dec 26, 2013)

We dated and married, 3-5 times a week. 
drop her Meds for hormones and it has gone to once every 6-8 months.

She knows it is her fault, but will not do anything to take car of me.
If I bring it up, even once a month, That must be all I think about and I am not understanding of her situation.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

OP: Your proposal may make some logical sense, but for the vast majority of people it is complete folly. There are very few PA's that don't result in one or both participants developing emotional bonds. That's just how it is. Since so many affairs start over more than just sex, when the AP starts to meet these other needs (companionship, respect, intimacy, acceptance, etc.) it is inevitable that feelings will develop far beyond the physical act. 

Additionally, the low sex/sexless marriage is probably like that for a reason, especially if frequency was significantly better before marriage. When the HD partner starts to shift time and attention to the AP, the problems in the marriage are exacerbated. You don't need to be a fortune teller to guess what is going to happen when you are spending a couple nights a week with the AP and your wife sits at home.

I don't believe that the majority of LD spouses are suffering from a non-mental medical condition. The fact that most complaints about a dramatic fall in sex drive coinciding with marriage tells me that these are emotional issues. 

This is a problem that requires communication, counseling and compromise. If the LD partner does not see it as a problem or worse yet, tells you it is your problem, you are a pervert, it's all you think about...it will never improve. I would be infinitely patient with a wife who was struggling but trying. I would have zero tolerance for one who tried to shame me and refused to lift a finger to improve things for me.

I am fortunate. Although my wife suffers with sexual issues due to childhood abuse, she actually greatly enjoys sex when she is relaxed enough to have it. She is motivated to work on things and that is good enough for me. There are actually plenty of other marital problems that are more pressing for me, but that's another discussion.

In your case, how does your wife respond to discussion about the problem? If you want to fix your marriage, invest your time and effort into it, not another woman. If it's completely hopeless and you cannot live this way, it would be better for everyone involved to end the marriage in the proper way. Then move on. 

I wish you luck. 



For those LD people that may be reading, please clarify something for me. If you identify yourself as LD, does that mean that sex is something you don't feel a desire for or is sex something that you find unpleasant or even objectionable? Refusing sex if you have been traumatized or have some deeply ingrained religious stigmas makes sense to me. Refusing to meet your spouse's need for sex simply because you don't actively desire sex seems almost purposely hurtful.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

I would feel hurt.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> I have to wonder how this would go down with you ladies. Ok you are very L D and always have been. Your husband is HD . You have a wonderful marriage,home, kids,money, But you could careless about sex and never have really enjoyed it.There has always been tension and resentment about sex. So your husband comes to you and says I understand where you stand with sex. And I am willing to let you have it your way. But I am going to fine a women to take care of my needs. {1] You admire him for being so kind to you and letting you off the hook. {2} You resent him for asking and inform him that he can not have sex with you or any other women. {3} You realize what a bad wife you have been and try to improve as to not lose him to another women ???


If it were me I would go for Option 3 - try and improve, see a doctor, get my mojo back somehow,some way.

I don't know how a spouse can not care less about sex. :scratchhead: It says something about how he/she regards their spouse. Does she even have a sex drive? How is your communication - can you talk about anything with each other?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

zookeeper said:


> OP: Your proposal may make some logical sense, but for the vast majority of people it is complete folly. There are very few PA's that don't result in one or both participants developing emotional bonds. That's just how it is. Since so many affairs start over more than just sex, when the AP starts to meet these other needs (companionship, respect, intimacy, acceptance, etc.) it is inevitable that feelings will develop far beyond the physical act.
> 
> Additionally, the low sex/sexless marriage is probably like that for a reason, especially if frequency was significantly better before marriage. When the HD partner starts to shift time and attention to the AP, the problems in the marriage are exacerbated. You don't need to be a fortune teller to guess what is going to happen when you are spending a couple nights a week with the AP and your wife sits at home.
> 
> ...


Low LD, just because that's how I am. It has nothing to do with wanting to hurt someone, just like a HD person isn't trying to hurt their partner when they push for more sex. I've never really thought about sex much, but enjoy it when it happens. Things have been changing a bit recently, but I've no definite idea why.

A low LD refusing sex is usually just them not rating the partners need above the effort it would require for them to have sex. I'll try make an example to explain this thought; person1 loves rock climbing, takes every opportunity to climb a mountain, loves reaching the top. Person2 likes rock climbing, enjoys the feeling of reaching the top, but for whatever reason this doesn't make them an avid rock climber. The effort to get to the top is satisfying but they're not hanging out to do it all the time and there's usually a reason to not put in the effort that day such as feeling tired, stressed, the views are great but the time and effort required just feels like a hassle, so much other stuff going on in their head or maybe they just feel too lazy.

Give person2 another reason to climb the mountain other than they should just want to reach the top more often because it's expected or so that p1 can reach the top, and suddenly they'll see that maybe putting in the effort is worthwhile. Maybe if they help p1 reach the top more often, p1 will give p2 something they are quite interested in, maybe something p1 hasn't been willing to give, so p2 will start to see the effort and reward scales as a bit more weighed towards the reward side. Note if p1 was already giving p2 what they wanted in an effort to get them to climb the mountain, there's no real reason p2 actually needs to climb it. The reward hasn't been put on the scale, it's used up already, woopsies! Ah damn, the scale is weighed more on the effort side still, guess p2 won't be climbing that mountain today.

Don't crucify the messenger. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

If I was completely unable or unwilling to have physical intimacy but wanted to stay married I would allow my husband to see prostitutes only, preferably the legal kind in Nevada or a massage parlor type situation. The exchange of money for me lessens any confusion as to what exactly is going on. He would have to agree to protected sex and also to a monthly budget. There would be no extramarital relations outside of that and if I was able to get my drive back I would expect that part of his life to stop. 

If she really is completely unwilling perhaps that type of situation would be (somewhat) of a relief.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I WISH my H would offer that.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

breeze said:


> Low LD, just because that's how I am. It has nothing to do with wanting to hurt someone, just like a HD person isn't trying to hurt their partner when they push for more sex. I've never really thought about sex much, but enjoy it when it happens. Things have been changing a bit recently, but I've no definite idea why.
> 
> A low LD refusing sex is usually just them not rating the partners need above the effort it would require for them to have sex. I'll try make an example to explain this thought; person1 loves rock climbing, takes every opportunity to climb a mountain, loves reaching the top. Person2 likes rock climbing, enjoys the feeling of reaching the top, but for whatever reason this doesn't make them an avid rock climber. The effort to get to the top is satisfying but they're not hanging out to do it all the time and there's usually a reason to not put in the effort that day such as feeling tired, stressed, the views are great but the time and effort required just feels like a hassle, so much other stuff going on in their head or maybe they just feel too lazy.
> 
> ...


No offense, but that is just the epitome of inconsiderate. Maybe selfish too.

No doubt a LD partner does other things in life that entail more effort than direct reward. Why is sex with a spouse somehow different?

Also, if providing a (supposedly) loved spouse with bliss is not reward enough for the "massive effort" of sex I question if love actually exists. If one were to equate the effort of having sex with mountain climbing, I would also question what level of sexual dysfunction that person suffer from. They would seem to fall into the mental medical condition category in my eyes. 

I am so fortunate that despite my wife's issues, she makes the effort. I really feel for those who are married to people who refuse to. I do all sorts of things for my wife that re crucially important to her that I have zero desire to do. It comes from love and generosity. The payback is the feeling I get from knowing I made her day. Any goodwill that is generated which results in her taking better care of me is simply a bonus.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It could be she is averse to it. That's been my issue, it repulses me due to FOO and childhood things. I still do it, though, 35 years later and he still gets what he wants at least once or twice a week, even though it hurts me mentally to do it. So it could work the other way around, too.


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