# Hello-left 1 month ago……



## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

Hello, just found this site seeking out insight and understanding for a circumstance that I have found myself in.

My spouse of 10yrs left me a month ago and just recently finally admitted there was someone else involved. We by no means have had that fairytale marriage, we’ve had our share of challenges(financial, medical and mental health issues), but never anything I thought was marriage ending. The last few years have definitely been the worst for a “disconnect” between us, a situation we have talked about frequently and one I very much wanted to change-but I was not met with the same enthusiasm. I am by no means perfect, but I did want things to be different and this past year I really did try to do what I could on my end to make him happier with us.
Fast forward to this past fall I suspected something was going on cheating wise, but I also allowed myself to explain things away and tried to continue being what I thought was the “good wife”(which included letting him come home at 3am without making a fuss, sympathizing with him when he started sleeping on the couch every night due to “back pain”, watching constant hidden phone use with no questions asked on my part, and allowing answering phone calls and conversations outside without any explanations needed, etc) Stupidly I was trying to keep peace in the house by not “harping” on him about things. I am devastated by this as I still love him and want him to change his mind. But I am also realistic and practical in knowing what I want doesn’t really matter in this situation as he feels the opposite and actions speak volumes. So I just am looking for some hearing ears, find some comfort in others familiar with the situation and support. So thank you in advance.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sorry you are going through this. There are plenty of people here who can help and listen. Welcome!


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

Numb26 said:


> Sorry you are going through this. There are plenty of people here who can help and listen. Welcome!


Thank you for your kind response. I feel like after a months I’m over staying my welcome with family and friends in the topic, so hoping to use this as an outlet.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m very sorry he treated you this way. It sounds like he wasn’t really a model husband and father anyway and you are probably going to be better off. 

Cheating happens when one person isn‘y making changes, isn’t invested in family life, isn’t putting any effort into the marriage. And it’s usually the cheater, not the other spouse who is trying to be a better person. For a useless lazy spouse. 

Use all your energy now for you, you sound responsible and mature. 

Why should you make him happier by the way? He had it made - coming home at 3am? He had it good. 

He should have been making you happier. 

I’d be on the street if I behaved like that. Sleeping on the couch because back pain, but no back pain when out all hours?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

IzzyRae said:


> Hello, just found this site seeking out insight and understanding for a circumstance that I have found myself in.
> 
> My spouse of 10yrs left me a month ago and just recently finally admitted there was someone else involved. We by no means have had that fairytale marriage, we’ve had our share of challenges(financial, medical and mental health issues), but never anything I thought was marriage ending. The last few years have definitely been the worst for a “disconnect” between us, a situation we have talked about frequently and one I very much wanted to change-but I was not met with the same enthusiasm. I am by no means perfect, but I did want things to be different and this past year I really did try to do what I could on my end to make him happier with us.
> Fast forward to this past fall I suspected something was going on cheating wise, but I also allowed myself to explain things away and tried to continue being what I thought was the “good wife”(which included letting him come home at 3am without making a fuss, sympathizing with him when he started sleeping on the couch every night due to “back pain”, watching constant hidden phone use with no questions asked on my part, and allowing answering phone calls and conversations outside without any explanations needed, etc) Stupidly I was trying to keep peace in the house by not “harping” on him about things. I am devastated by this as I still love him and want him to change his mind. But I am also realistic and practical in knowing what I want doesn’t really matter in this situation as he feels the opposite and actions speak volumes. So I just am looking for some hearing ears, find some comfort in others familiar with the situation and support. So thank you in advance.


@IzzyRae I’m very sorry you find a yourself here with this situation.

How old are you? Do you have kids?

Now that you know the truth, are you preparing yourself for divorce?

You’re in the right place. Most of the people posting here have been through this or similar things. You are among friends here and you can talk/vent/rant/ask questions all you want.

Don't blame yourself. Story after story here on TAM and other site will show you that cheaters cheat because they can. Not because there's anything wrong with their spouse or marriage.

First things first, take care of yourself right now.
Second thing, see a lawyer to make sure you know how to protect yourself in a divorce.
Last, lean on your support system. Your friends, your family, your church...whoever it is.

Best of luck to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. When I was preparing for a new life I tried to focus as much as I could on what it would take to make that happen. It’s difficult, I know, and it takes a lot of time to recover but one day soon you’ll be on the other side. In the meantime be easy on yourself as you would be for a friend going through it. Best wishes.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Welcome to TAM - so sorry that you’re going through this - I hope you find some support and encouragement on here. 🌻


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Miss, you just rant away! Lots of folks here to lend an ear and help ease the pains off loss. Be kind to yourself, dont be down on you. You were right that you can't make someone change. You did all you could do. Now its time to pick up the pieces of your heart and try and move forward with your life, into a better and happier place. Best wishes and peace be with you.


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m very sorry he treated you this way. It sounds like he wasn’t really a model husband and father anyway and you are probably going to be better off.
> 
> Cheating happens when one person isn‘y making changes, isn’t invested in family life, isn’t putting any effort into the marriage. And it’s usually the cheater, not the other spouse who is trying to be a better person. For a useless lazy spouse.
> 
> ...


He definitely was not the perfect husband, but also suffered from . And I did walk in egg shells trying not to make him mad threw out a lot of our marriage. He was never abusive physically, but had volatile temper I did try not to


Luckylucky said:


> I’m very sorry he treated you this way. It sounds like he wasn’t really a model husband and father anyway and you are probably going to be better off.
> 
> Cheating happens when one person isn‘y making changes, isn’t invested in family life, isn’t putting any effort into the marriage. And it’s usually the cheater, not the other spouse who is trying to be a better person. For a useless lazy spouse.
> 
> ...


He definitely was a much better husband earlier on(he excelled in certain areas, I was always able to not let his faults be my focus. And he did that for me too early on). But over the last few years it did go down hill. I was at a loss of how to control it, and the more I tried to be more attentive to him, keep the house perfect, cook meals, etc on my part the worse he seemed to get. I thought I was being respectful of him making his own decisions by letting him do thing without my questioning them, but he seemed to get worse too. Probably wasn’t the best decision on my part.


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @IzzyRae I’m very sorry you find a yourself here with this situation.
> 
> How old are you? Do you have kids?
> 
> ...


Thank you. I appreciate all that. I’m 39 which thankfully with how this seems to be ending, no kids. I know I will have good and bad days. But I do tend to be practical, not super emotional and can eventually pull myself together to focus on the task at hand. So I have made up my mind, he may be able can control the end of our marriage without my consent, but he’s not going to control all my future financially. I will make sure I have a day in that. 

Right now he is not asking for a divorce. He hasn’t even talked about anything legal. He seems to have just wanted to get away from his life with me and focus on being able to do what he wants, probably with the female. He moved out and got an apartment, but has left me still taking care of the house and animals, paying the bills, doing my normal day to day activities.


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Miss, you just rant away! Lots of folks here to lend an ear and help ease the pains off loss. Be kind to yourself, dont be down on you. You were right that you can't make someone change. You did all you could do. Now its time to pick up the pieces of your heart and try and move forward with your life, into a better and happier place. Best wishes and peace be with you.


Thank you. Always easier said than done. But even in a few weeks I’ve gone from blaming everything on myself because of all he told he was wrong with me -to realizing none of that justified his actions. No one is perfect, but I can hold my head up and guilt free say was overall a good wife. Then with the cheating discovered it made everything even clear. It all hurts and I can still can own up to my personal faults that I will work on, but ultimately I am not the problem. And I’ll keep telling myself that.


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## Bloxie blue (3 mo ago)

Hello,

Im sorry to hear about this situation you have found yourself in. It has been unfair to you.


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

Openminded said:


> I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. When I was preparing for a new life I tried to focus as much as I could on what it would take to make that happen. It’s difficult, I know, and it takes a lot of time to recover but one day soon you’ll be on the other side. In the meantime be easy on yourself as you would be for a friend going through it. Best wishes.


Thank you for your words. I know it’ll take time, and I wish I’d be “on the other side” more sooner then later. But I have made up my mind he will not control my future livelihood in all aspects and I will protect myself where I can.


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

Bloxie blue said:


> Hello,
> 
> Im sorry to hear about this situation you have found yourself in. It has been unfair to you.


Thank you for your post. I certainly never claim to be perfect, everyone can improve somewhere in a relationship, but I can wholeheartedly agree unfair is accurate. Unfortunately it’s beyond my control as far as the decision to end the marriage. But I need to accept it and move forward with what I can control.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

IzzyRae said:


> Thank you. Always easier said than done. But even in a few weeks I’ve gone from blaming everything on myself because of all he told he was wrong with me -to realizing none of that justified his actions. No one is perfect, but I can hold my head up and guilt free say was overall a good wife. Then with the cheating discovered it made everything even clear. It all hurts and I can still can own up to my personal faults that I will work on, but ultimately I am not the problem. And I’ll keep telling myself that.


Its never easy for sure. Be strong and eat right, exercise, plenty of rest (when possible) and stay hydrated. You are wonderful person. You are unique in all this world! The right person will find you when you least expect it and you can build love and trust and a life together. The future is life, the past is dead.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

IzzyRae said:


> Right now he is not asking for a divorce. He hasn’t even talked about anything legal. He seems to have just wanted to get away from his life with me and focus on being able to do what he wants, probably with the female.


And he probably is fine to keep it this way. That way he can come back to you when his new gf gets tired of him, or when the new wears off. Is that ok with you? Can he come back once he’s done playing around?

And what if that takes years? Are you ok to be in limbo for that long?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Do you know who this woman is ?

How did you find out ?


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Do you know who this woman is ?
> 
> How did you find out ?


When my husband did finally c


Jimi007 said:


> Do you know who this woman is ?
> 
> How did you find out ?


While I did suspect there was another women for a few months now and at first he left me he swore there was no one else…..my husband did finally admit it to me a few weeks after he left because “he wanted to be honest.”, he claimed. He wouldn’t tell me who it was, stating I don’t know this person. I have attempted to figure out who it is. And while i do have the means to hack multiple of his social media accounts to find out……I have decided against that realizing in the end it doesn’t matter.


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## IzzyRae (15 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> And he probably is fine to keep it this way. That way he can come back to you when his new gf gets tired of him, or when the new wears off. Is that ok with you? Can he come back once he’s done playing around?
> 
> And what if that takes years? Are you ok to be in limbo for that long?


I have thought about this. Right now honestly I would allow him back with the understanding we work on things. My husband is not one who has huge motivation to accomplish things that take effort(a quality I have always been able to look past in our relationship). He typically has been one who starts things but doesn’t not follow thru to finish them(this quite a few projects needs completed before our house could even be sold). For now while I initially have my housing which I work from home out of(plus am able to house my multiple pets), honestly I am content to not currently be being forced to leave my home.


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