# Mornings shouldn't be so hard



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I couldn't sleep last night until 4am(will see dr tomorrow) finally had to take a little meds to sleep but woke up with such anxiety that I had to take more meds. 

I really think my H isn't looking back. He moved out Jan 18 and has shown no sign of changing his mind. I have suspected MLC and today was reading the MLC for Dummies and I think he already read it... well he is definitely living it! 

Mornings are generally calm (if you consider the three kids need a lot of attn in the mornings and require me to get up at 6 no matter if its vacation or not) but today I have trembles/heart racing and anxious feelings for hours now. 

So many men on here wanting to work on their marriage... why won't mine ?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I couldn't sleep last night until 4am(will see dr tomorrow) finally had to take a little meds to sleep but woke up with such anxiety that I had to take more meds.
> 
> I really think my H isn't looking back. He moved out Jan 18 and has shown no sign of changing his mind. I have suspected MLC and today was reading the MLC for Dummies and I think he already read it... well he is definitely living it!
> 
> ...


Patience. And, focus on you.

Live in the moment.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Mine was the same way. He tossed a 20+ year marriage and said "it" was only a piece of paper. I guess you need to ask yourself what is making that other pasture greener. You might be surprised at what you find in that other pasture. I know I was!


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I wish I had an answer for you but all I can offer is that I go through the exact same crap. Anxiety is such an awful thing and all consuming. I do better with the kids there, like you said, normalcy. It is when I'm alone that it is the worst.

I also think what you do about people on here. We men that would give anything for our wives and vice versa. It is too bad that we are here but it is good that we are.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Mama, I was going to start a similar thread myself! I just couldn't go to work this morning. I am lonely in my place, but I can't bring myself to do anything but work, go to IC and group, and do things with my son. Grocery shopping, working on my side business, etc. I don't care. 

The idea that he is already 'moved on' (as he told me) and dating again kills me. He never gave us a chance to even try to work things out. He told me was ready to split, and that was it. He gave lip service about trying MC, but never did. Some things seem like an MLC, but he's only in his early 30s and that seems a little young for an MLC. He's also depressed. We are both in IC, but he isn't improving. He is far more social than I am, so there's no shortage of activities for him with his younger, mostly single friends. 

I'm trying to figure out if this is 'fog' or if he really did something he regrets in marrying me. I thought we were really happy early in our relationship, and could work out any problems we had later on. I didn't think I was that bad that my negatives outweighed my positives in his mind.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I couldn't sleep last night until 4am(will see dr tomorrow) finally had to take a little meds to sleep but woke up with such anxiety that I had to take more meds.
> 
> I really think my H isn't looking back. He moved out Jan 18 and has shown no sign of changing his mind. I have suspected MLC and today was reading the MLC for Dummies and I think he already read it... well he is definitely living it!
> 
> ...


Sorry you're having a tough day.
I'll send you a virtual hug (((((( )))))))
I feel like you m2m. So many men on here wanting to save their marriages! 
I just don't understand!
I feel your pain
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Mama and Daisy - you are so right! Seeing all of the posts on TAM at least gives me a teensy bit of hope that someday I could find someone that will commit that strongly. 

Does anyone find a strange sort of comfort knowing that you're not sick for loving someone so deeply that the end of the relationship hurts so damned much? Sometimes it seems the things I see in magazines or the web imply that you must not have loved your FS if you can't just let them go, be friends, and wish them well with a new SO. OR that you're not emotionally mature, or some such. I feel like being able to up and walk away is much more immature.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Aww, I hope you are doing better. I find that my anxiety and depression strikes at weird times. Sometimes I'll be totally fine, then a couple hours later a wreck. There's no telling where or when it'll strike, you just get through it. 

I agree Angelpixie, it's really refreshing to see we're not weird. It's actually a huge blessing to have a place to come and talk with people in a similiar place as me- none of my friends and most of my family can't really relate. Most of them have never gone through divorce, and no one really understands how I can still love and miss my ex, even though he treated me the way he did. 

I too don't understand why it seems like so many people are going through such hardship- ultimately we all want to find a mate, I feel, so why do so many people do such terrible things to sabotage this??


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My anxiety has been a bit worse over the last couple of days, and I'm almost 8 months into our seoaration. I was holding on to a tiny spark of hope that he might change his mind, but that spark was snuffed out Saturday night when he told me he'd be filing in June. I woke up yesterday morning with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and the dread. 

I too think he's going thru a MLC, but I don't think he'll be snapping out of it anytime soon. He believes he can do better (financially speaking) on his own? Twenty eight years down the drain.

I too am very thankful for this board. I have no family close by and it stinks :-(


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

June is a long time away, justabovewater. Take this time to work on you. It isn't a long-term strategy, but distraction can help lower anxiety enough to help you feel better physically. I really think that all the stress chemicals paired with all of the painful thoughts create an awful spiral. If we can't stop the thoughts, maybe we can change the chemicals by working in the yard, walking the dog, skiing, etc. Good luck. Don't lose hope!

@mamatomany: my IC gave me this suggestion for the sleep problems that have come back in the last month or so: if you find that you can't sleep because you can't stop thinking, get out of bed, go into another room, keep the lights dim, make some warm milk or chamomile tea, make yourself comfy and just write everything that's in your mind. Don't edit it or anything. Just write until it's all out. Then go back to bed. She suggested keeping a notebook and pen handy by the chair or whatever, so that you don't have to put a lot of lights on and look for things. I've only had to do it once, but it did help. I think just knowing I had a plan helped, too.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Oh and it kinda gripes me a bit when it is assumed that because we want to save out marriages and would consider taking our Hs back that we have low self esteem! Sure I'm not myself right now and my confidence has taken a knock, but when you've got 18 years invested in something it's too much just to give up on straight away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You can bet he is thinking about you and looking back on the marriage at times. It may not be for as long as you do but he will think about you. As to the way you treat him now will depend on how he wants to remember you later. The bad memories do fade with time as expressing such emotions are so draining. If nothing else then let him have all the space he needs and remember you for few needless and kind words you do say.

I cannot sugar coat it for you hon, being the only spouse willing to fight for your marriage or remarriage SUCKS! I've been through more depressing times because of this than anything I have ever known and I have had a rough life. The worst part is I CAN'T LOOK TO MY SPOUSE FOR HELP. I can't even get the same level of approval from other people because I'm strong willed enough to fight for her a few years after divorce while I finish my degree. 

The only reason I do this is because she still shows me she is worth it sometimes. It may not be a big show off affection but all the little things add up. Just replying to my text messages without a restraining order is enough for me to work with. She won't say "I love you" anytime soon but I can deal with occasionally talking to her for a few minutes and gradually building up from there. I can look past the affair in time, I'm strong enough to accept her faults just as I see my own and how I took her for granted. I miss my best friend more than I do my wife.

There is somethng to be said for you if you are willing to fight so hard for this marriage. When it's over and his life doesn't work out, he'll see what an idiot he was to give up on a woman who loved him enough to cry over him that much and still take care of his kids. If it absolutley will not work out the next man to come along will appreciate your good heart more than you will ever know.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

sorry mama...just to say you you're not alone, i think stbx has serious mlc...it's something beyond our control and it sucks. do you have family near to give you a hand with the little ones? 
i have to check out your link for dummies


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> June is a long time away, justabovewater. Take this time to work on you. It isn't a long-term strategy, but distraction can help lower anxiety enough to help you feel better physically. I really think that all the stress chemicals paired with all of the painful thoughts create an awful spiral. If we can't stop the thoughts, maybe we can change the chemicals by working in the yard, walking the dog, skiing, etc. Good luck. Don't lose hope!
> 
> @mamatomany: my IC gave me this suggestion for the sleep problems that have come back in the last month or so: if you find that you can't sleep because you can't stop thinking, get out of bed, go into another room, keep the lights dim, make some warm milk or chamomile tea, make yourself comfy and just write everything that's in your mind. Don't edit it or anything. Just write until it's all out. Then go back to bed. She suggested keeping a notebook and pen handy by the chair or whatever, so that you don't have to put a lot of lights on and look for things. I've only had to do it once, but it did help. I think just knowing I had a plan helped, too.


Angel, I use to journal but stopped a while after he moved out. I was sleeping better until recently. I think once the kids went to his apt and came back talking about it is when I started having a hard time sleeping (plus I stopped taking some pain meds). Maybe I will start again.I just get so depressed when I write... plus this forum allows me to write 

Justabove, I know! My doc has me on xanax and it is doing wonders most of the time... but cleaning, sun, and walking helps.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

cabbage65 said:


> sorry mama...just to say you you're not alone, i think stbx has serious mlc...it's something beyond our control and it sucks. do you have family near to give you a hand with the little ones?
> i have to check out your link for dummies


We have 3 adult kids that help with the little ones the rest of the family is out of state. My adult kids have been wonderful through this and very supportive of me.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Angel, I use to journal but stopped a while after he moved out. I was sleeping better until recently. I think once the kids went to his apt and came back talking about it is when I started having a hard time sleeping (plus I stopped taking some pain meds). Maybe I will start again.I just get so depressed when I write... plus this forum allows me to write
> 
> Justabove, I know! My doc has me on xanax and it is doing wonders most of the time... but cleaning, sun, and walking helps.


Journaling is a great outlet, I use this forum as a way to get things off my chest, I don't reveal everything to my friends and family. I used to journal as a teen, and still have a suitcase of all my writing and doodles.

The first 2 weeks of separation were the worst for me, I couldn't breath, couldn't sleep, stressed beyond belief.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

827Aug said:


> Mine was the same way. He tossed a 20+ year marriage and said "it" was only a piece of paper. I guess you need to ask yourself what is making that other pasture greener. You might be surprised at what you find in that other pasture. I know I was!



I am thinking about other pastures knowing that all people my age will have baggage (including my H). I am extra worried I will find someone that will go through a MLC - I can't go through this twice!

Maybe that's another reason some women become cougars :rofl: avoiding MLCrs.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I am thinking about other pastures knowing that all people my age will have baggage (including my H). I am extra worried I will find someone that will go through a MLC - I can't go through this twice!
> 
> Maybe that's another reason some women become cougars :rofl: avoiding MLCrs.


That's a good theory, Mama! And that way, if they act immature, you know it's because they're just that young.


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