# Wifes Affair



## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

This past weekend I found out my wife was having an affair. After seeing over 1500 text messages to him in one mo


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You have the right to know everything. 100% of the relationship. She is married to you. If she wants to regain the relationship, she needs to be an open book and answer all of your questions. She will also need to share with you her texts and emails (all passwords, etc.)


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It is easier for you to deal since you had your own episode of cheating. 

He has every right to know. He can't make a good decision about his future without knowing the extent to which he was betrayed.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't know what it will do. I


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I have never even considered anyone else.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I should have posted that I have been married for 15 years and you are right she allowed, which hurts just as much. I like hearing from a womans view point.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Whatever answers you think you need to move forward she owes to you. Be aware it may be very painful. If she is in love with him, it will take time for her to "fall out of love" with him. Expect her to be confused and sad for a while. No contact is a must and she must commit now and forever. She won't reconnect with you until she has him out of her life and out of her head.


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## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

There are some mental pictures I do not want. For me the details would only hurt me more. How far the affair went would not matter to me. It is just the fact that anything happened at all. Some questions I would want answers to like why she looked outside of the marriage for anything emotional or physical. I don't want the intimate details to have to relive over and over in my mind. It is hard enough to forgive without all that. That is just for me though.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Fell, I went through exactly the same thing you did with my wife only it was not facebook it was a co-worker.

GET ALL THE DETAILS.

Although the details will be painful and terrible believe me the mind can amplify things 1000 times. You will never be able to put it to rest becuase you will dwell on it forever if you have to imagine what could have happened. The only way to get past this is to get every detail. It won't be pretty but at least you will know exactly what you are dealing with - no more, no less. Hopefully she will be an open book and be honest. If she does not want to disclose everything you let her know that what you can imagine is probably worse than the facts. Trust me on this one, you will not be able to get your marriage back in focus if you are constantly trying to guess about what went on. My wife and I have a stronger marriage today becuase she came clean on her affair all the way down to the nasty details about her PA and all that that entailed. It drove a nail through my heart but it didn't matter becuase I was already crushed and in my mind I had pretty much guessed at what and how they did it - PLUS MORE!

Get the details. Try to work through it and let her know that there won't be second time if she wants to keep your marriage.

Try to understand what caused her to stray but make sure she doesn't lose site of the fact that she was the one who cheated. Most of the times a cheater will try to justify their actions by telling you how unhappy they were about this or the other. In the end, both of you have to want to save your marriage. Don't turn conversations with her about her affair into arguments or put her on the defensive just tell her the only way you can go on is to know everything. Your list of questions is right on target. Don't leave out anything incuding details about the intimacy. I know it sounds self-defeating but it isn't; it's a way for you to stop healing becuase you will need to get facts to begin to trust again. This is just my opinion from experience. Good luck, I feel for you.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I think how many details you want to know is a very personal choice. For me, I had to know everything, like ripping off a bandaid. It was harder to deal with the details I found out later than the ones I found out about right away. In my case there were archived chat logs in his email with a LOT of detailed exchanges (explicit and lewd in some cases). Admittedly I wasn't really prepared for that, I found them two days after he confessed. The day I read them I started drinking on an empty stomach and when he got home I exploded at him, made him read the lewd parts out loud, screamed at him at the top of my lungs, and then I just drank and drank until I passed out. He sat there and took it knowing he deserved it. I know I was acting like a crazy person, but I needed to get it out of my system. I needed to have rage and vengeance and remind him of his disgusting words and how much they hurt me.

It also made him realize how low and flat out stupid he sounded in those logs, and that he was not acting like the person he wants to be, so it was helpful to him too in the long run. But this is just my experience. I agree though that she has to be willing to be 100% honest from day 1 or it won't work.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

In my experiance, people try to protray things in the most favorable light possible, so be prepared for her to try to make it sound "not so bad". The hardest part for my wife to say was how much of it she had initiated. I at first wanted to think of my wife as an innocent victim of circumstance, so I heard the parts that supported that, but finally realized her part in it was more than 50/50, more like 80/20.

I want you to think about what comes after the awnsers. Can you forgive her? That is really the only question that the awnser matters. No matter what you cant get 15 years back, your kids will never think of anyone else as mother, despite what she has done she will always matter to you. Do you need details to justify leaving her, or to really know what and who you are forgiving?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Gomez, for me it was all about knowing what, who and how to forgive. The thoughts that ran through my mind before I found out the details were consuming my every minute; it was unbearable. Yes, the detials were very painful but at least I know EXACTLY what I had to get over. Again, this takes complete honesty in divulging information from her but I think you can tell when they are not 100% up front. It's difficult for them cover up all the pieces. Anyway, I had to learn what to forgive and the only way I could do it was having all the pieces to the puzzle.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What a load of rubbish. Yes, people change as they age. But most affairs are about selfishness and a desire to be validated. New guy provides attention and she doesn't turn it down. She cultivates it. She pursues it.

It has nothing to do with her being unable to show a sexual side to her husband. It has everything to do with a problem in the relationship coupled with selfishness.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

:iagree: with dobo. I know what Caroline is referring to becuase men have those feeling too. I did too way before my wife cheated on me but hey guess what; I was level headed enough to know right from wrong and never pursued nor acted on my impulses out of love for my wife and respect for my marriage. I worked on making my marriage more intimate instead.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I need to know if she is with me when we are having sex. I will do everything I can to forgive her, but it will be very hard to not think about she did when we have sex, when we get intimate. She did a lot of texting to him, now I wonder whenever she picks up her iPhone. I told her I would giver the benefit of the doubt, that if she ended it then I will not check up on her. That is really dificult to do.

W


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

You are owed details if you choose but be aware that they might become memories you cannot get out of your head. I know my wife went to a local hotel with her guy a couple of times but I don't want to know which hotel so that I think about it everytime I drive past. She told me a lot (at my request) and sometimes I wish I did not ask for as much because I think about the details. Sometimes knowing the general info is better than intimate details.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

This is a dilemma for those of us betrayed. While craving for the details in hopes of closure, coupled with our innate yearning for the the truth, the reality is: 

1. The details may do more harm than good
2. You may never get the truth, even if you ask
3. If told the truth, you may not believe her 

My advice is to assume the worst. If you can do so and still move forward toward reconciliation, you will be in a better place. Be forewarned, this is no easy task. You will play their encounters out in your head, wondering what really happened. This is natural, but doing so for too long is toxic and will wear you out and hamper the road to recovery.

You will get over the thoughts of the two of them when you two are again intimate...I thought the same thing, but we had sex within days of me learning that the EA had developed into a PA (she confessed). 

Good luck. Be strong, patient, and strong (did I say strong? ).

CC


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Confused, thank you. 

It


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

It is my opinion that you can love two people romantically. I know that you can love more than one person in different ways because we love our parents, our children, our spouses, our siblings, friends ... etc.

I believe that right now she "believes" she loves you both. Only time will tell which one she really loves. My bet is you. Right now she is blinded by the "flash" that this OM appears to be. Given time, in most affairs, the flash will dwindle and fade away but by the time it does it might be too late and you may have already moved on.

As far as getting the details. I can tell you from my experience. Hubby had a PA early on in marriage and I asked for and received the "details". He's recently had an EA and I didn't ask for the details. Some details I obtained about this EA from emails I saw but in my case, NOT knowing the details is easier. The PA was many years ago and I still think about it every time we drive through a certain small town and park *because of the details I was told about him meeting her in that park.*

It is my experience and opinion, that IF you don't want to relive actual things you've been told and want to have the semblance of ambiguity, then don't ask for the details. IF you want to dredge through it and analyze and remember every tiny detail, then ask for the details.

One of the replies you received indicated you should ask questions about why she started the affair, what was missing in your marriage, those type of questions are, imo, necessary to finding the answers to how to move forward and affair proof your marriage.

Try your best, for now, to take care of you. Do things that you enjoy and that relax you. Do things that occupy your mind so that it doesn't dwell on the affair. Dwelling doesn't help you move forward, it keeps you mired down in hurt, confusion, anger, depression. Keep trying to eat, to sleep, to exercise. These are all things that are very important right now. They will give you strength and resilience plus help with anxiety.

Hang in there. You have a long road ahead of you so pace yourself.

Lost


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

fellbetrayedinkc said:


> I told her I would giver the benefit of the doubt, that if she ended it then I will not check up on her. That is really dificult to do.
> 
> When she is upset she hides inside herself and does not talk. She is not talking, I am the one who has to initiate talks, I am the one who is concerned that if I bring it up she will get more upset at me because I won't "let it go"


Regaining the trust is tough to do. Trust will ebb and flow for some time so don't worry too much if your sense of security rollercoasters for a while. That is normal. 

She wants to get passed it and you need closure. You need to find an exceptable median of the two. She is withdrawn becase she has broken up with some one she is in love or thought she was in love with. This will take her time to move through and she may very well resent you for it for a while. This is all part of the process in healing. I seriously doubt the betrayal was based on any shortcommings you may feel you have as her lover. More than likely it was an emtotional need. Concentrate on that and don't worry too much about the bedroom for now.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Thank you


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

I feel for you and do understand what you are going through, a lot of us here do. Bottom line, it hurts and really, really, sux. 

But, understand this...you cannot control her behavior - only your own. Once you realize this, you will be in a much better place. 

Hit the gym, go for a run, revisit an old hobby - you need distractions, you need to take care of yourself.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

fellbetrayedinkc said:


> Can I ever get the thoughts of someone else touching my wife out of my head? Will I ever be able to make love to her and not wonder if she is with him (emotionally). And my worst fear, is she comparing?


Yes, you will get this out of your head ... in time. If you've ever had a loved one pass, think about how clearly you could hear their voice, see their face, remember their unique touch. Over time all of those things diminish until you remember what they looked like in general but not necessarily the facial expressions or hand gestures or exact timbre or inflections of their voice.

This is the same. There is an afterwards to this too. All things pass ... with time.

For now you feel out of control of your emotions and thoughts. At some point you will have to force these thoughts from your head. Yes, they will come back with a vengeance BUT then you have to force them away again. You can choose what to think about. You will just have to choose often because these are the primary concerns you have at this very moment and you want to solve them now.

Since you can't solve it all now, try to imagine a time past this. You will survive it and not only will you survive but you will thrive again. You will be happy and at peace again. Imagine that time because it WILL come.

Every time you control your thoughts you will gain strength to do it more easily next time. Breathe deep and slow in a calm pattern. Slow your racing thoughts down and breathe. Relax.

You CAN do this.
Lost


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I am


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't know


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Oh dear, she is so lucky. You still love her despite of all the pain she has caused you. I think that it is important that you feel that she is with you , all the way. After all , she is the one who messed up , regardless of wheither you had responsibility in her wanting to go and look somewhere else for "love". You have to remember that. 

I would recommend that you engage in some activity , something for you , something selfish. Something that will take your mind away from all the hurt , you might discover a new you , that would be ready to go through the hard work of starting again with her or without her. 

This is what I am doing , and despite the pain inside , I have discovered a new strenght , and realise how much I have forgotten about myself in the 8 year we have been together. 

I wish you all the strenght in the world. I wish she knew how lucky she is.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I know you have some varying degrees of opinions on here; which should help you decide on what to do. For me though, I am sticking to my guns from my experience. It seems to me that not getting the details is just like "sweeping dirt under the carpet". It is not going to mean that it didn't happen just becuase you don't air things out. If I hadn't asked for the details (yes, it was painful - BUT I HEALED), I would still be thinking and wondering all the time about what happened, even 10 years later. Yes, it was 10 years ago that it happened to me but I have been fine for several years now but I will never forget the hurt that her EA and PA caused me. If it were not for me knowing exactly what it was I had to let go of, I would still be in a state of wondering. For me it was a no brainer for her to be an open book and let me know it all no matter how betrayed or disguted I felt about it. And let me tell you, I felt severely emotionally betrayed as well as the physical part; but the wounds have healed.

But then again, everyone is different. If you can be REAL honest with yourself and deal with it without knowing ALL the details then I hope the best for you.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Well I talked to her a little to let her know my feelings. I do not want to lose her. regardless of what happened. We start tonight and I am so nervous and scared. I am just sure that after it is done she will leave me. I hope we are not just going through the motions. I asked her to tell me if he tries to contact her and her reply if she does. In order for this to work, I have to trust her again, and she has to be honest. I do believe she would tell me if he contacts her. And I do believe she is not contacting him. We both have to be committed to this or it will not work

I will update at a later date.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

IMHO, you need to somewhat "man up" and show confidence/strength. Don't beg, plead, and grovel with her - doing so empowers her and makes her believe she is "steering the ship". 

Be loving, but firm. 

This is also a time for reflection...how did you two get here? What do YOU need to work on? Remember, you can only control your behavior, not hers...all you can do is make the changes that you need to...regardless of the outcome, this is a win-win outcome proposition (you improve yourself).

I was in your same shoes many, many, months ago...I feel for you my friend. This is going to be a long and painful journey...remember to take care of yourself.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Best of luck tonight.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Counseling went well last night, for me at least. Too much to ask for one session to clear everything up. We will open up more as time goes,


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Oh, you poor guy. You do realize that an erection is a good measure of physical health and you don't need to be ashamed about the lack of one -- but you do need to get to a doctor and have a full physical and check on your cardiovascular health, right?? Please take care of yourself. 

I'm sorry you are suffering so much right now. I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. Everyone and every situation is different. You are right that your actions do not excuse hers, but you are trying to be constructive and that's good. 

If she wants this to work and you want it to work, it can work. You clearly do. So it is her level of commitment that will make or break this thing.

Still, don't be a chump. Women don't respect them. And you NEED your wife to respect you in order for you to get her back. That's not optional -- you need her respect so DO NOT BE A PUSHOVER. If she needs to do something, you need to require it of her.

Good luck!


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

dd


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

C


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

it's not going to be over soon.

your wife slammed you to the wall

and she's not done yet

she's not thinking about you, her marriage, right now

i'm sorry.

damn do i feel your hurt.

understand you'll come out healthy eventually.

but ...taking off your ring...
:bounce::bounce::bounce:


that's incongruous with your posts


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes I know, bu


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

This is such a touching love declaration. It made me cry. 

Really wish you the best of luck , and really hope for her sake that she lives up to your expectation.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

She


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Got


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I ju


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Brother, you have A LOT on your plate right now. Go back to your list of self improvements and focus on those areas that need immediate attention. FOCUS ON YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. Regardless of what happens with your wife, you need to address these things and only good will come from doing so. You have direct control of these things, having control (of yourself) in a time when you feel as if you have none (with your wife), will help the fog clear...seeing yourself lower your cholestorol, losing weight, getting in shape, some new clothes, new haircut, re-visiting old hobbies, will not only make you feel/look good, but will offer a healthy and needed change. Go out with friends, have a few beers /burgers with your buddies - do things you used to do that made you happy.

Give her space, DO NOT chase her...this will only push her further away. If she sees changes in you, resulting in improved self confidence, she will take notice...much more so if you chase her and plead with her.

Good luck and hang in there.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

the girls just asked where she was and why they don't see us together much anymore.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Confused, you are right I need to focus on me. Here is a little problem about going out with friends, she was my best friend. We did everything together. I hated going out and her not being there.

I will not chase her anymore, she is happy with him and that is what is important.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

It hurst I know. I am seperated from my w now. She fell into an EA a while ago and it led to a PA. I know now that happened. She doesn't know I know, but I do. I'm disgusted by her actions. I don't want to even speak to her. I love her, but my w's action and your w's action were selfish.

Yes I have issues, but she does too. Your wife has issues too. It takes two to tango for the good and the bad. Never forget that.
I've discovered my issues and I am working on them. She hasn't.
I've been blaming myself for this whole thing and to a degree that is correct, but I like you can't be blamed for everything. And we can't put all the blame on ourselves. It isn't right. 

Man up as best you can. It is tough with kids, I have one. And I think about the same things as you do regarding that and it does break my heart. Tears it to pieces. But remember you will never be alone - because you have the kids. Sure not every day, but they will be in your life as much as you choose.

And remember you can choose your life. You can't depend on another for your happiness. I did due to my issues and I pushed my w away. In the end what I was trying to avoid happened anyway. So just live life to its fullest. That is what I am striving for anyway.

Good luck. I feel your pain.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

th


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Truly sorry for you.


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