# Black and white cheating...



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I was reading a thread along the lines of "Take a Hard Line or Negotiate with a Cheater" and something occurred to me.

Is cheating so truly black and white?

Scenario:

Early on marriage, 5-7 years, two small children. Wife goes to spouse and tells him POINT BLANK: "I have a problem, I am attracted to someone. I am afraid of these feelings, we need to work together on this...". Spouse also goes to great lengths to resolve issues, speaks with spouse many times about issue, spouse sticks his head in the sand.

Wife finds herself in the arms of another man the next Spring - 10 months after giving spouse repeated and sincere warnings and spouse does nothing but stick head in sand, avoiding woman.

She packs her things and leaves her spouse because she feels bad about what she has done, but she does NOT run to the man she had the affair with, she goes home to mother.

He then accuses her of "cheating" and is angry as hell at HER.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

um, well it's both of their faults.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't agree, it is cheating and it is her fault for doing so.

Her perception that her H stuck his head in the sand? What does that mean?

He did not make her cheat. She cheated because she wanted to.

Some points I guess for telling him ahead of time, but it is her responsibility to have self control, not his to control her.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Affairs don't "just happen." And the case illustrated here is a perfect example. The wife in this case knew something was wrong, tried to get help from her husband in handling it. 

Obviously, everyone can pretty much agree that affairs are wrong. But, to blame EVERYTHING EVERY TIME on the cheating spouse isn't accurate. 

In the situation presented here, the BS was told beforehand things weren't all hunky-dory in the marriage. For whatever reason (denial, complacency, etc.), the BS did nothing about it. The cheating spouse here was practically screaming that there was something seriously wrong and still the clueless spouse did nothing. 

I'm sorry, but many times the BS does have some responsibility when cheating occurs. Not always, but sometimes...this appears to be one of these cases.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My wife tried to excuse her cheating because she had said she wanted a divorce and said, no, let's go to counseling. Then she says no, let's just have an open marriage.

So I sarcastically replied, yeah, right, that's what we ought to do!"

She had the audacity to then tell me after she was cheating that that was one of the reasons--thatI'd given her permission!!!

WTF!

No, it is the cheaters fault when they cheat.

Their spouse may contribute to the poor state of the marriage, but the decision to cheat is always the cheaters.

I never gave her permission and she knows it.

But at the time? She was wanting to part her knees for the other guy that she hung on any excuse.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My warning you that I'm going to start a fire and your response of, 
"You shouldn't do that. It's a bad idea and someone could get hurt."
Then my decision to start the fire anyway because I felt your response was inadequate still means I chose to start a fire.

I understand what you are trying to say, but in the court of public opinion, it still generally boils down to 'who stepped out on who?' regardless of the circumstances. The truth is ... it is the circumstances that are the most important. The affair is the result of the circumstances, and they seldom break down into black and white.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It WAS her choice to cheat...but he also bears reponsibility for ignoring her. She made the decision...but he enabled it.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

This case my not be the best example, so I'll speak in general terms instead. Both partners bare responsibility to care for the marriage. If one is sounding the alarm and the other ignores the call, or even adds fuel to the fire with continued bad behavior, then both share blame. Cheating is not black and white. Now some will say, "if you felt that way then you should have left the marriage first" and that is a valid point in many situations, but there are also situations where leaving the marriage would result in potentially greater damage then staying. The bottom line for me is you dont use your marriage vow to hold your partner hostage in a bad relationship that you refuse to work toward fixing.


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## Damithurts (Jun 11, 2009)

Both are responsible for the state of the marriage. But only one is responsible for the cheating. She would know that. Trying to shift the blame for her bad choice is not remorse. It's plain unfair.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

it's personal responisibilty for your own actions.

If someone told you to jump off a bridge would you? no you made the choice not to.

it's the woman's fault here, it was her responsibility to not have the affair, yes it was a mistake, she has to live with HER decision.


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## tobeamiss (Jun 1, 2009)

No one should ever step outside of the marriage what ever the circumstances. Leave first.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

In my state it takes 90 days to get a divorce. Leave the marriage if you are so unhappy that you want to go elsewhere. Have some self control for the 3 months it takes to get the divorce. 

Having said that, I do believe that in many cases, both spouses carry the blame, although not equal parts of it. The cheater is still guilty of stepping out, no matter what the marriage is like.


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