# Just tell me if I am doing the right things or not...



## whatdoesshewant (Oct 5, 2011)

So, we were having troubles for a few years. She was so cold and distant to me it was maddening. I tried to continue to support her through her stress and workload (she went back to school and quit her job). I tried to be reasonable and understanding about her needs vs mine. But the wall she threw up between us after a few years got to me. I asked for therapy, but to no avail. I sought solace elsewhere. I did not have a PA...it was an EA if anything. Now the gray area for me is that I felt it was becoming that, I am not really convinced that I went all the way down that road...but aside from that personal feeling I will call it an EA, treat it as an EA, accept it as an EA (in regards to its damages and repercussions).

Now...I had asked for counseling for years, and finally when I felt my friendship with someone else was going too far, I put my foot down and demanded it! I stopped my contact with my friend. It hurt her, but she understood why and agreed fully - we mutually knew what path it was heading down and agreed it was wrong. We no longer speak directly to one another. She follows my twitter account and FB page to be sure, but we have no contact with one another whatsoever. No phone calls, no emails, no dms, no direct dialogue publicly or privately.

Now, my wife has said she wants to trust me. Wants to work on our marriage. She loves me and doesn't want to live without me. But her actions do not feel like that. She constantly makes wise-cracks and jokes that she claims are intended to be funny about the whole thing...but they hurt. She constantly asks about every detail knowing full well I can't ever recall many details but have answered the questions as best I can.

"What did you talk about?
-The kids and the weekend's events.
What did you say, what did she say?
-She had asked how baseball was for our oldest this past weekend. I told her it was great. I relayed the entire game and that he had played great and had fun. She was thrilled for him.
What did you discuss then?"

It goes on and on. If I mention a food..."Is that her favorite food?" If I ask about watching a show we haven't watched before..."Did she recommend this show?" I cannot talk to anyone any longer because she feels everyone around us knew and that I was bad mouthing her and painting her in a negative light. I cannot speak to any other women because she gets jealous and suspicious of everything about them. I had made an appointment with our therapist for an individual session for me and got asked "What are you going to talk about? What are you going to say?" She hacked all my accounts and had found nothing scandalous, even confirmation from a friend that I was in an emotional state of thinking my marriage was over and as I grew too close to someone else I was able to stop myself before going too far (for whatever that is worth - since honestly, even one step closer to the line can be as damaging as stepping over the line). I keep my phone unlocked, she can review it anytime. I feel completely violated in this regard. But I am taking it. I am standing strong to the questioning. I am standing fast to the fact that I am listening to her needs and wants. And I am acting on those requests!

Now, this is where I am currently... She stormed out of a couples therapy session and then called her male friend to come pick her up. This is a person she met while going to school, right when we started to grow apart. Right when she began to put up a wall physically with me. She has gone on trips with him and other classmates to conventions together. She has spent late nights studying with him. They have gone to dinner together with friends, for drinks....and also: ALONE. I have never been suspicious of anything. I have never doubted my trust in her.

But now I am. I feel like maybe she has guilt for having done something wrong, and is transferring it to me. I feel like I am being punished for her actions which based on circumstantial evidence alone could point to an actual PA. 

I don't want to be paranoid. Its not in my nature.
I have done plenty wrong here, and want to make amends.

But I am spending most days feeling like I am on a bungee cord. She pushes me away with slights and attacks, bruises me and wounds me, not letting me forget even the slightest of egregious act or thought. She assumes the worst in everything, questions my very motivation of thought process around anything I do. Then says I love you, I want to be with you, and has some of the most jaw dropping sex imaginable with me. Doing things I never ever expected her to try, much less enjoy.

So where am I? I am so confused by her actions and words. What are her intentions? Why the freaky side all of a sudden...but the emotional meanness I get thrown at me?!

Is this really healing? Because what she is doing hurts me. It doesn't help me, which eventually can't help our relationship.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

"Doing things I never ever expected her to try, much less enjoy."

Not a good sign, in my opinion. She could have done these things with the OM, and now she's pretending you are him during sex.

Ask her for the complete transparency you provide her. If she has nothing to hide, she will. If she says no, your relationship may involve two cheaters - you and her. The fact that she called him after storming out is disturbing. Check your cell phone bills, and get access to her phone if you can.

I'd bet my money that she is having an affair with him, and has been since they met. Start checking right now. Be prepared to find things you wish you didn't find.


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## whatdoesshewant (Oct 5, 2011)

I am prepared for it. Honestly, I am. What I will be hurt by is simply that in the midst of me feeling so frustrated, me then exposing all my dirty little secrets after she snooped, spied, stole my identity; that she wouldn't have had the gumption to simply come out and say "I did this too. We need to fix this or end it." 

Instead I feel like its being forced to me to decide. Its like she is pushing me to be scared, paranoid, or hurt more to the point that I CHOOSE to leave. Then she can feel free & clear of any wrong doing. She can simply blame me, the issues were my fault, and I chose to walk away and give up.

Again, Im not judging her here....I am simply trying to make sense of the evidence no matter how circumstantial before me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If she's forcing you to decide, she could be playing you so that you terminate the marriage and not her. Then she can go off with her lover and blame you. I get this idea from what I've read in this forum in the short time I've been here. Others here are better qualified to provide input on that issue.

I was the cheater in my EA. That's where my perspective is coming from. 

Good luck!


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

This is so unfair. All this time she has been hounding on this borderline EA you had, which is the result of her possible PA? What a skank ! Don't give her D yet. Just lay low and keep snooping for a hard evidence. Cell phone, keylogger, VAR, etc... Use every means available. If nothing turns up, you can also demand poly. If she declines, offer poly on yourself in exchange for hers.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

whatdoesshewant said:


> So, we were having troubles for a few years.* She was so cold and distant to me* it was maddening. I tried to continue to support her through her stress and workload (_she went back to school_ and quit her job). I tried to be reasonable and understanding about her needs vs mine._ But the wall she threw up between us after a few years got to me_. I asked for therapy, but to no avail. I sought solace elsewhere. I did not have a PA...it was an EA if anything. Now the gray area for me is that I felt it was becoming that, I am not really convinced that I went all the way down that road...but aside from that personal feeling I will call it an EA, treat it as an EA, accept it as an EA (in regards to its damages and repercussions).
> 
> Now...I had asked for counseling for years, and finally when I felt my friendship with someone else was going too far, I put my foot down and demanded it! I stopped my contact with my friend. It hurt her, but she understood why and agreed fully - we mutually knew what path it was heading down and agreed it was wrong. We no longer speak directly to one another. She follows my twitter account and FB page to be sure, but we have no contact with one another whatsoever. No phone calls, no emails, no dms, no direct dialogue publicly or privately.
> 
> ...


Your EA has certainly confused the issue but I am sorry to say that your wife is probably in a PA and has been for some time.

You need to confirm it before you go any further! 

Get the phone records
Check your Credit cards. 
Check the email accounts.


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