# Husband moved out but doesn’t want to file?



## LMJ314 (Jan 25, 2021)

I have been with my husband for five years, married three. We both have children from our first marriages, and we have a two year old together. 

Our relationship has always been unstable. Highs and lows. He is passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable, I am highly sensitive and upfront. We certainly have an anxious/avoidant attachment. Since very early on in our relationship, he has threatened to leave whenever I hold him accountable because he feels belittled and disrespected. He was increasingly verbally abusive (c word, t word, no one would want you, nothing without me, etc) so I kept pushing for marriage counseling. He saw two therapists and our pastor once each then would refuse to go back. The threats to leave came at least once a month. Packed suitcases, telling me he submitted apartment applications, but then I’d beg and drop whatever issue was initially raised and he would stay. 

On Tuesday, we were supposed to meet for an appt but he texted me to say he’d cancelled it, then facetimed me to tell me he had rented an apartment, reserved a uhaul, and was moving out of our home that afternoon. I fell to pieces. 

So here I am only six days out but feeling confused and torn. All of the women in my circle are going through or have been through a divorce, my therapist included. So they are all very much of the “better off without him” mindset. I am somewhere in the middle and don’t trust my own instincts about the situation. 

My husband says he won’t file for divorce because he wants to take some time to get his head on straight, for the dust to settle, and then decide whether he wants to move forward with reconciling or divorcing. He has threatened this so many times though so I’m not sure why now that he’s done it, he’s still not fully committed to leaving. 

1) I don’t even believe that his potential desire for reconcile is even truthful because he’s severing all ties: banks accounts, cell phone plans, even his primary care physician. He just dropped a ton of money furnishing his new bachelor pad. And he has made no outreach unless it’s to ask for something. Not even a “how are you?”. It’s all been completely one sided. While I have taken on full time parenting and all the expenses. 

2) He takes for granted that I begged him not to leave, and he chose to anyway. I offered every concession in the world for him not to do this to our family. And his response was so cold and uncaring, “this is happening, you need to deal with it.” Over FaceTime!!

3) He takes for granted that this has hurt the children. I told him my son cries at night, and that our son always asks “dad is?”. My oldest even talked to his teacher about it because he was upset. He said no, they are unaffected, they “have a blast” with him. He just refuses to take any responsibility. 

So I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I love him. I still believe in our vows, in our past, and what we had planned for our future. And having been through a divorce, I hate divorce. I hate kids having two homes, having to share holidays. I agree that our marriage was extremely toxic and that something had to shift to break the cycle (but I had counseling in mind, not this $&@?). 

On the other hand, this just feels like more manipulation. He is a very emotionally disconnected person by nature, but toward me for the last few years, so it doesn’t feel like someone who loves me and is conflicted and just needs some space to gain clarity. It feels empty. 

I do not suspect cheating at this point. 

I know that for me, my task at hand is to focus on my children’s needs and healing myself emotionally and physically. Using this space to find my strength again and to fix whatever it is that made me think that his words and actions are the most I deserve. But beyond that, I don’t know how to proceed and was hoping for some objective outside input. I can’t see myself filing, because I just never want the burden of having been the one to give up. But I also don’t want the continued feelings of being disposable, neglected, the continued threats of abandonment.

Thank you for your time in reading this and any input you have about where things stand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of the reasons you are having a hard time right now is because it seems he's 100% in control of your life. He unilaterally decided to leave and get a place. He's moving his stuff. He's spending marital assets to furnish his place. He will contact you only when it serves your purpose.

He's going to push this as long as he can. Is he paying you any child support? If you earn less than he, is he giving you spousal support? If he does not file for divorce, it's easier for him.

My suggestion is that you take control of your own life. File for divorce and ask for child support, interim spousal support (support until divorce is final). Remember that a divorce is not final until the judge signs it. You can call it off at any time if you two can come to some agreement about getting back together on terms that work for both of you. Right now he's really not lost anything. He still has you hanging on and has his children when he wants them.

You say that you don't think he's cheating. However, what he's doing sure sounds like he is. Why else would a guy set up a bachelor's pad. Is there any way you can do something like hire a PI?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you’re describing is emotional terrorism. Constantly telling you he’s going to divorce you anytime you have an argument? He’s doing you a favor. 
It is super easy for us to tell you what to do when we aren’t the ones suffering the pain you’re in. But the truth is, you shouldn’t stay with this man, and if he’s spent a lot of money already padding his nest and such, he’s not likely coming back. And I am with Elegirl in thinking he’s not coming back because he’s had someone on the side for a long time. There’s more to this story.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Having his cake and eating it too. I'd file.

I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I'm going to disagree with the already cheating thing, but he is manipulating you and you need to be rid of him, assuming your side of the story is accurate. You may not want divorce, but that doesn't mean it's not what is best for you and more importantly, the children. That kind of behavior will cause more problems with the children in the long run than divorce will. You especially need to file for some kind of financial relief because he is required by law to provide for his children. You might have to go as far as wage garnishment. At this point get a lawyer and start the process.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's severing financial ties and spending money at the same time? Is he paying support? Because I suspect he hasn't filed because, once he does, he'll have to A) pay support and B) would have to maintain status quo financially. It benefits him not to file until he's done moving assets and setting himself up.

If I were you I'd file tomorrow and get temp orders in place for both custody and finances,


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should file whether he does or not in order to protect your assets so that they are not something he can just take off with and spend legally.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

He is being manipulative. I would follow the 180 guide and do you. Let him stay gone, he'll regret it and be running back & begging for you back. No one has the right to make you feel insecure in your own marriage.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Kindly, OP, you might want to look into some therapy for yourself sooner rather than later. You describe this relationship as having been unstable from the beginning. And, yet, you married this man anyway. Why? A partner shouldn't be a project and you shouldn't need to "fix" or "save" anyone in hopes that you'll someday have a good relationship. It might be past time to work on your self-respect, healthy boundaries, and learning what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like and how to have one. 

In the meantime, you need to protect yourself and your children. That means hiring an attorney immediately and filing for divorce. The longer you let him call all the shots, the longer you'll be left with all the responsibility and all the expenses while he dithers away your time and all the marital assets.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Send him to the Conan school for dip **** reformation.

I guarantee attitude adjusting results.

Aside from that, follow @EleGirl 's advice and the other women and posters who are advising you to clean this idiot's clock legally and protect yourself and your children.


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## LMJ314 (Jan 25, 2021)

Thank you all so much. Hearing more unanimous input that echoes that of my family and friends has provided me strength. I scheduled an appt with an attorney for Friday morning.

If he is genuine in his desire to leave the option for reconciliation on the table, me beginning this process should not be a deal breaker, because he is the one who left and it’s simply me reacting accordingly.

grateful to each of you for having read this and provided your input. Wishing you all well.


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## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

LMJ314 said:


> I have been with my husband for five years, married three. We both have children from our first marriages, and we have a two year old together.
> 
> Our relationship has always been unstable. Highs and lows. He is passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable, I am highly sensitive and upfront. We certainly have an anxious/avoidant attachment. Since very early on in our relationship, he has threatened to leave whenever I hold him accountable because he feels belittled and disrespected. He was increasingly verbally abusive (c word, t word, no one would want you, nothing without me, etc) so I kept pushing for marriage counseling. He saw two therapists and our pastor once each then would refuse to go back. The threats to leave came at least once a month. Packed suitcases, telling me he submitted apartment applications, but then I’d beg and drop whatever issue was initially raised and he would stay.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard on so many levels. 
I am also going through a separation and don’t want to get divorced either. (My scenario is completely different but I hope someone who has a similar opinion on marriage can be an ear and a friend for advice.) 
The only thing you control is you. Take a step back and look at your scenario as if it was happening to a best friend, what advice would you have for her? Be as empathic towards yourself right now as you would her. I bet you would think she is an incredible mom, who deserves so much more than what the partner in her life is giving. So I hope you think the same about yourself. 
This journey isn’t going to be easy, but you are going to grow. A gf said to me recently do you really want your husband back or a version of him? I spent a long time thinking about this... no partner wants someone who doesn’t respect them. I definitely want a 2.0 version of my husband. (And I definitely want to grow myself)
Your mental health in all of this comes first and showing up for your kids. Allow yourself time to feel the emotions & know that no emotion is fixed and it will pass. If you can get support through therapy and counselling, do it. Do it for you.


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