# Move back in and expose?



## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Hi all. I'm unfortunately here for the same reasons as most of you. I found out my WW was having an EA 4 months ago. I also posted on the MB site (is that a rival site with difference of opinions?). Lol. Either way, I respect a lot of opinions from both sites and wanted to here what you all had to say. Here's my story:

My WW & I have been friends for ~20 years. We started dating 12 years ago, and have been married for 7 1/2 years. We have 2 daughters (3 & 1 1/2). Our marriage has been jaded for a couple years now, but I associated it with having children. Four months ago I found out that my WW was having an EA with a coworker. I understand my role in her being unhappy, so the affair was the effect, not the cause. But I guess that's the case most of the time? Either way, that was going on for 6 months when I found out. The day I found out I felt anger, fear, betrayal, and I panicked. I left work, got the girls, and brought then to my mother's house. She swears it was just a "connection", and that they kissed a few times. Since then, we have been separated. We each took time to figure out what we wanted. During that time, I seriously changed as a person...for the better. (Tony Robbins is AMAZING at changing focus). I'm an optimist now, not a pessimist. I can honestly say I love myself now. I focus my passion on gratitude, appreciation, love, etc, rather than annoyance, aggravation, and anger. I had a "strong" personality, and she became suppressed and felt suffocated. Those were her main issues with me. She has told me that she sees my changes, and she's happy for me. However, she wrote me a letter a month later (in Feb) saying she didn't want to work on our marriage. She told me the spark was gone, and she didn't think she could get it back. 

At the time, she said it was over with OM, and he was not the reason why she didn't want to try. But I have also learned that, since that letter, they have slept together. My family and friends know about their relationship, but I'm not so sure her family and friends know. She has also changed jobs, so they no longer work together. Not sure why she left her job.

I have gone through the emotional rollercoaster that most go through. One day/week/month I feel optimistic that I accept her decision and I will once again be happy in the future. I have felt strong for weeks at a time. But lately, every Sunday when we exchange the kids, my heart is torn apart again. When we exchange emails/texts (re: finances, kids, etc), I miss her, and it kills me inside. We remain very cordial, kind, and respectful to each other. Aside from the night of our talk when I tried to reason with her, I have been doing a decent job at a 180 (didn't pursue, beg, discuss my feelings, etc). I rekindled old friendships and hobbies. But we don't live together, so she doesn't see all my changes. It's been 4 months and nothing has changed. I told her on Mother's Day that I miss her and miss having a life with her. Those are my only feelings I've shared with her in 4 months. We have not discussed a single thing about D at this point. Oh, one more factor to note. We are currently doing a "nesting" agreement. The kids stay in the house, but me & her split time there 50/50.

So that leads me to where I am now. I considered Plan B, but after hearing from some members at MB, I don't think that's the correct route. I'm not sure if I can get over the damage that has been done, but I want to atleast try. I obviously still have strong feelings, cause I still miss the crap out of her and it kills me when I see her on Sunday's. And if we don't make it, I want to know in the end that I tried everything and I have no regrets.

Do you all think I should be moving back into the house ASAP? And after that, should I be exposing their affair like a bomb? Atleast that's the way it would feel. I didn't know how to expose, but it seems like you tell EVERYBODY (their family, friends, workplace, OM's Facebook friends, etc). It's a scary thought, but it seems like it has to be done.

Any thoughts? Is it past the point of trying to save?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

I don't hear anything in what you've said that indicates she is willing or interested in R. Maybe time to move on?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like all you've accomplished is to give her permission to continue sleeping with the OM.

She should have been the one to leave, not you. I would have kicked her right out when I discovered what she did. She's trickle truthing you and I don't really see that she's suffered any consequences for what she did at all. You haven't demanded no contact (NC) with the OM and you haven't exposed.

What exactly is Plan B? Here, that means that the BS is the second choice for the WS, after the affair partner (AP), which certainly seems to be the case here.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You seem to be enabling her affair. Why would you do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Interesting situation.

My thinking is that it is crucial the betrayer be exposed as it serves as a source of healing for both parties. She needs to understand, without reservations, there are consequences to betraying you, the marriage and the kids. Part of that is exposure to all and especially the OM’s wife. This way it is out from under the rug and in the light.

Now, with respect to getting back together, take some time and maybe send her a letter or talk with her. Tell her about the changes in your life and how you think it would benefit the both of you and your desire to reconcile. Counseling, full and complete transparency with respect to email, FB, phone… And I think she should naturally display a humility and contriteness for what she has done. If she has just shrugged it off, or otherwise then I think she probably really doesn’t care and that alone will sink any reconciliation.


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## Topical storm (Mar 30, 2013)

Yes expose her. Yes move back into the house and have her move out. Who makes the bulk of the money, you or her? If you make most of the money have her bags packed and kick her out. If you're making the mortgage payment and she isn't, then she needs to go right this instant.

It wasn't just an EA...she Kissed another man. That's grounds for a swift divorce in my book. No questions asked. If you are wired this way. Then proceed to rid her of your life. Expose, Expose, Expose. Put her on cheaterville, put him on cheaterville, tell friends, family facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, linkedin, youtube...any social media outlet that you engage in. Tell your neighbors, Tell your church, Send an email to her co-workers about the affair in great detail.

As far as saving it. NO. She kissed another man. She cheated on you. Hell she probably had sex with the man or she probably wants to. This alone is enough for divorce. It is an act of unfaithfulness. Something you should not tolerate.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Oh and get std testing done for yourself and paternity testing for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MB is death to men who won't go to Plan B within 24 hours. Sorry, but most especially the forum will lead you astray over there.

You screwed up your marriage, though perhaps not 50% worth. It in no way justified her having any kind of affair. So you are 0% responsible for her affair.

Stop blaming yourself. You have zero blame in her going outside of the marriage. ZERO.

You cannot NICE her back into the marriage. You cannot prove to her you are more worthy than her affair partner.

You might want to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Visit the forum at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin .


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You have absolutely enabled her and given her permission to continue sleeping with her lover? Why would she respect you for this?
If the roles were reversed would she have been such a doormat to you? She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE!


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

bryanp kind of hit it on the head. You have done nothing to stop her sleeping with other men. She took you love and trust and trashed them. She betrayed you and your kids. She betrayed her vows. First you need to file for D no if's and or but's. Nothing is going to change until then she is just going to keep sleeping around in your house. You know she is fvcking him in your marital bed right? You need to get a D and start moving on 180 is great but you need to file the paper work. She has treated as you have ALLOWED her to treat you. Time to look are yourself and realize you deserve a women who wants to be with you and will put you first. Not one who puts you last and thinks nothing of hurting you. Not once have a heard you say she apologized or felt any remorse. MOVE ON start the paper work on the D and let her know you are done with her and to only contact you when it has to do with finances or kids anything else is not your problem. You need to man up on this not continue to let her treat you like crap. Self respect starts with you standing up for yourself.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I agree with the rest, YOU stay in YOUR house. She can move out. If she wants to see the kids for a week she can sleep on the couch and you stay in your bedroom. Let her face the consequences. 

She wanted to fool around - don't let her blame you for ANY of that. She could have done many things to assert herself. Having an affair with the OM WAS the reason she doesn't want back in. YOU have to be strong on this. Don't relent. You get back in there and STAY there. 

She doesn't want you? Fine! YOU go see a lawyer and find out your rights. Keep a VAR on you at all times when she's around.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

CEL: She has expressed remorse. When I asked her if any family/friends knew, she said of course not because she was ashamed and not proud of what she did. She has said she's sorry she hurt me, and those weren't her intentions.

Tropical: She makes good money and is paying for all daycare and all of the mortgage. I get the rest of the bills. 

Thatbpguy: I wrote her a letter in January approx 2 weeks after we separated, expressing mainly what you said. She responded with her letter a few weeks later saying she didn't want to work on things. I'm now assuming because I was in the way between her and OM. But that is why I asked if my M is too far gone to save. It seems like that's the consensus. I was just hoping to make sure I walked away knowing I did everything, but I guess she was too far gone, and I didn't take the immediate correct actions.

Thor: I already accept 50% of the blame for the problems in our marriage, but 0% of the blame in her having an affair. 


So does anybody out there think it can be saved? It seems like the only thing I'm hearing is that I should file for D ASAP. If that's the case, then why even expose besides to break them up? All my family and friends know, so I'm getting the support I need. Sorry, but I'm new to these concepts and what effects they might have.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It can be saved but conditions must be favorable. First: she has to drop the om and all toxic friends. Second:she HAS to want to work on the marriage and propose a method to do so.

You can't be in competition with any OM. You'll lose EVERY time. She doesn't have to smell their farts at night or wash their skid-marked skivvies like she has done for you. All OM are in an "eligible suitor" with ready to go penises while you are "boring ol' reliable". So don't even try to compete. 

She's remorseful for hurting you but probably doesn't regret her actions. Like most women, she doesn't want to be thought of as a cheater - thus shes being nice to you on that account (and only on that account).

As long as you "cooperate" by nesting she can spin the "we both realized we grew appart" storyline to all and sundry. Don't buy into this!

Move back in and stay there. Let her squirm with the truth. ATM she's playing you like a cheap fiddle.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She admits to the affair and she knows how bad it hurt you but says that it wasn't her intention to hurt you. Anyone but me understand that statement? Was it to make you happy? What was it supposed to do besides feeling like someone stuck a knife in your back and asking you, "Does that feel good honey"? Wonder if the roles were reversed and she was the one with a knife in her back if she would feel the same way. 
My friend if she doesn't want to work on your marriage, then there isn't much you can do about it. It takes two to work on a marriage and right now she doesn't want to and you now have three people in the marriage. You, your wife and some bum that only wants to get what's being offered to him. She doesn't want you to tell anyone about the affair because she would be ashamed. Think about this. She didn't think about hurting you while she was having the affair because if she did.........it wouldn't have happened, but now she's afraid that if her family finds out about it they will not be happy with her. I would let them know about it and when she comes back at you all pi$$ed off at you because who told her family, then you look her in the eyes and tell her that if you would have acted like a normal, responsible adult, mother and wife and kept your pants up and knees together, then you wouldn't be feeling this way. Put the ball in her court. Yeah it's going to hurt to lose her, but there is a saying that goes like this. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. I've been there before and it's true. Good luck


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

It probably cannot be saved. But to save it you have to do the exact opposite of what you have been doing. 

Instead of trying to win her back and "nice" her back you have to force consequences upon her and make her face accountability. Only when she feels the full shame of what she has done will she respect you and awake from the affair fog. Almost everything you have have done has been more of what got you here. She has no respect for you as a man, so she is seeking a man elsewhere. A man holds others accountable for their actions. A man will not tolerate his wife sleeping around or even disrespecting him. A man sets down the law and follows through. She is acting like a petulent child and you are enabling her totally.

1st you must expose far and wide. Family, friends, work. Do not tell her you are going to do it or ask. Find your balls and expose. Expose to OM's wife. Blow it up. Take away that option. Then kick her out. She will start to wise up real fast when plans A & B are gone. Then and only then do you have a chance. She must accept your demands, not the other way around. She has to EARN YOU BACK! If not, then you have to file. There is no third option.

BTW- her making more $$ than you is a huge problem. She is probably better looking and in better shape right? Read Married Man Sex Life Primer- tonight!!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Is the other man married? What is his situation? What have you brought to bear on him to make him want to quit this affair?

What is her current relationship with the other man? Is she bringing him into your home with your children? Have your children met him? Where does other man live and with whom? Where does your wife live when she is not in your house?

She is not going to come out of this affair UNLESS you blow it up. That means exposure to close family and friends on BOTH sides and asking them to call her and ask her to end the affair and work on your marriage. Her response is going to be that she only started the relationship AFTER she told you she was through. That's not true, she's been having sex with him from before you even discovered the supposed "EA," that's close to a 100% guarantee.

Do you have any evidence of their communications? Even the amount of communications between them? It will help if you can have something to tell the families/friends to expose the lie that your wife will tell, that other man was only a "good friend" who helped her through her marriage problems, that only turned into love after she already told you she wanted to divorce.

1. Expose to other man's wife, girlfriend, family, close friends. Let them know he went after a married woman, broke up a young family, and ask them to influence him to give your marriage a chance to fail on its own.

2. Expose to your and her family and close friends, let them know it was an emotional affair, you think a physical affair, and let them know you have proof (assuming you have it).

3. Move back into your house full time.

4. Let your wife know you love her and are willing to reconcile, but that in order for you to take her back she has to quit the affair and let you verify no contact. Say it once, then don't say it again. File. Talk to your wife only about the divorce, the kids, finances. Do not cry, whine, plead, beg, nag, criticize, complain. Maintain a positive outlook, like you will be OK with her or without her.

5. File for divorce. Notice your wife has not done so. That likely is because she is not sure. She does not want to give you up until she is sure about other man.

If your wife complains about the exposure, tell her you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and you make no apologies for it. Besides, all you are doing is telling the truth.

Exposed as a cheater so everyone knows what really happened, not the lie she has been telling them, with the other man exposed as well, perhaps the affair will lose its luster. There is no guarantee that you will get your wife or marriage back, but if you want to know you've done everything you can, I think this is it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> So does anybody out there think it can be saved? It seems like the only thing I'm hearing is that I should file for D ASAP. If that's the case, then why even expose besides to break them up? All my family and friends know, so I'm getting the support I need. Sorry, but I'm new to these concepts and what effects they might have.


It's never beyond hope but it seems to me she really doesn't want to save the marriage. 

You' ve tried the soft approach. Maybe do the full exposure (so you're not blamed for the divorce) and maybe her shame will bring her back to you.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Is the other man married? What is his situation? What have you brought to bear on him to make him want to quit this affair?
> 
> What is her current relationship with the other man? Is she bringing him into your home with your children? Have your children met him? Where does other man live and with whom? Where does your wife live when she is not in your house?
> 
> ...


I want to start off by saying thank you for all your feedback. I knew what I was doing wasn't working, and that's why I searched for answers. That's what led me here. 

To answer some of your questions, Kane, he is not married. He WAS married years ago, but his drug use and physical/emotional abuse made his wife leave him. (He's a good guy). I found out about the affair because his GF found me online and told me. She did not expose him. She's super stalker, so she is where I get all my info. I have flirty IM's between them, but nothing crazy detailed. Basically she tells him she's gonna miss him over the weekend, she thinks he's cute, asks him how many women he's been with, and refers to intense emails at 4AM. I don't have that 4AM email. It shows is started last summer. I found out in Jan. I have the letter from her saying she's sorry she was open to getting to know somebody else, and that she'll always regret the way I found out. If I need to pull out all the stops, I have audio recordings of phone calls and in-person conversations with her. I would rather not let her know I've been recording conversations if I don't have to.

As far as I know, he has not met my girls. But I obviously can't assume that's 100% accurate. I ask my older daughter every time I see her if anybody came over. She has never said yes besides family. One of his complaints about his ex was that she had kids. So I guess he's not big on kids. Wouldn't be surprised if he has no desire to meet them. He used to live with his GF, but she kicked him out and he now lives on his own in an apt. WW supposedly stays with a friend on nights away from home. OM ex-GF recently went to his apt (they still talk), and she found no evidence of WW staying there. That's not to say she hasn't spent nights there. I just don't know she's moved in there 50% of the time.

I would be naive to say they weren't sleeping together before I found out. But the one sign that made me not believe something was going on was because she, well, wasn't grooming. When we were better, she always did. She stopped for a while. Now that we're separated, I'm finding wax strips in the garbage again (she tries to hide it). Again, I could be wrong, but she has always associated good sex with "looking" good, and that didn't start until we separated.

One question about #4 in your post. You say to tell her that I want to reconcile, but then you immediately tell me to file. Don't those contradict?


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Another general question. Does doing all this (moving back in, exposure) ruin or diminish the chances of having a decent relationship with WW after D? I'm not looking to stay best friends, but my parents were divorced and it was bitter. I'm not an angry guy (anymore), and I don't want to have a bitter marriage where it just gives me bad feelings. That's not a fun way to live. Plus, that's not healthy on our children.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

That's up to her. Your not the one who blew up the marriage, she did. If she can act like an adult after the D, she'll keep her anger in check around the kids. You have to do the same. If you guys have to clear the air, do it out of ear shot of the kids and keep them out of it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The #1 mistake a Nice Guy makes is concentrating on how to save his marriage. The correct emphasis is how you can have the best life for YOU. Forget your wife specifically, and imagine the best life for you. It includes a woman, but one who is loyal, loving, and honest.

The best route to your own happiness is to go live your own life. Eat well, exercise, have hobbies, do stuff with your guy friends. And file for divorce.

Trust the process. Don't worry about outcome, if the process is good you will get the best possible outcome. Not a perfect outcome. Not the outcome you might chose at this moment if you were forced to. But the best possible outcome will result from you following the best process to a happy life.

Your dishonest, disloyal, cheating wife may change her ways and she may end up being a really great wife to you in the future. Or not. Maybe there is another really GREAT woman out there for you.

If you follow your path without worrying about her path, the best option and the obvious option is for you to file for D. Who wants to be married to a disloyal lying cheater? Who wants to spend their life worrying if their wife is cheating again?

Ironically, filing for D is the best (and almost the only) way to get her to change her ways. But you file for YOU, not to save your marriage.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> Another general question. Does doing all this (moving back in, exposure) ruin or diminish the chances of having a decent relationship with WW after D? I'm not looking to stay best friends, but my parents were divorced and it was bitter. I'm not an angry guy (anymore), and I don't want to have a bitter marriage where it just gives me bad feelings. That's not a fun way to live. Plus, that's not healthy on our children.


You want to reconcile, but refuse to be cheated on. So you file for divorce. Sometimes the cheater needs to realize that you do not intend to sit around and wait for them, that you are moving on without her, to come around and realize they really don't want to lose you.

Doing all this diminishes the chance of having a decent relationship after the divorce. She will be absolutely furious with you for exposing her affair and especially for exposing to other man's family and hurting him, such an innocent nice guy who just somehow didn't realize that anything unpleasant could come about from banging another man's wife.

IF your actions blow up and put an end to the affair, and IF your wife sees that you did it to save the marriage, and IF she realizes the marriage is worth saving, then she may want to reconcile. Saving your marriage is a long shot, in my opinion.

There are some threads on this site where the betrayed husband played hardball and the cheating wife came back. However, I am not aware of any thread here where the husband sat back and did nothing and waited for the affair to end and the cheating wife came back to him. Playing nice does not seem to ever work for ending affairs and saving marriages. For one thing, in many if not most cases, the cheating wife loses respect when the husband whines, pleads, begs, and just accepts the affair or tries to "nice" her out of it. They respect it more if you fight it and refuse to accept it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

*He WAS married years ago, but his drug use and physical/emotional abuse made his wife leave him. (He's a good guy).*

You forgot to mention that he loves puppies and has a butterfly garden... Just for one moment, I thought you were here because he was having an affair with your wife! My mistake!

The OM seems like a really nice guy. You should invite him over to maybe be your kids father and have sex with your wife in your bed or something.

Buddy, your wife is having an affair with a POSOM and you are worried about him and how he is a 'nice guy'...

If you want your marriage to have a chance you have to be strong and firm with your wife. You can expose or not. Expose will most likely kill the affair but it can cause a lot of bitterness. I exposed and it killed the affair ... for a while... other things happened.

The thing is your wife is treating you like a piece of trash and you are very forgiving to people who are ruining your life. You need to be prepared for the worst. Get yourself ready to move on with your life without your wife. You can't save your marriage if you aren't willing to lose it. 

Don't allow her to treat you with disrespect and demand honesty from her and that she own her mistakes. Look at the 180 and be strong.

I am very sorry you are here.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So, she is having sex with other men. ISn't that a deal breaker for you ?

Does she know that you know ?


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> *He WAS married years ago, but his drug use and physical/emotional abuse made his wife leave him. (He's a good guy).*
> 
> You forgot to mention that he loves puppies and has a butterfly garden... Just for one moment, I thought you were here because he was having an affair with your wife! My mistake!
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response.

Just to be clear, I was being sarcastic when I said he's a nice guy. He's obviously a complete scumbag to say the least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> So, she is having sex with other men. ISn't that a deal breaker for you ?
> 
> Does she know that you know ?


I always thought so. But for some crazy reason, I still miss her, love her, and I guess I want the life we used to have (before it went south). I'll guess I'm going to hear a lot of comments for saying that, but it's how I feel. Sometimes I think I'm ready to move on, and other times I miss her more than anything.

She probably assumes I know, b/c she knows he has a big mouth, and I grilled her a few weeks ago. I didn't flat out tell her that I knew, but I alluded to it. I'm guessing I have to flat out confront her? I have no proof aside from him telling the ex. Well...that and common sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

AgentS702 said:


> I always thought so. But for some crazy reason, I still miss her, love her, and I guess I want the life we used to have (before it went south). I'll guess I'm going to hear a lot of comments for saying that, but it's how I feel. Sometimes I think I'm ready to move on, and other times I miss her more than anything.
> 
> She probably assumes I know, b/c she knows he has a big mouth, and I grilled her a few weeks ago. I didn't flat out tell her that I knew, but I alluded to it. I'm guessing I have to flat out confront her? I have no proof aside from him telling the ex. Well...that and common sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/68788-another-tale-waw-ea-possibly-mlc.html


Read this thread. Very similar except for the kids.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> Another general question. Does doing all this (moving back in, exposure) ruin or diminish the chances of having a decent relationship with WW after D? I'm not looking to stay best friends, but my parents were divorced and it was bitter. I'm not an angry guy (anymore), and I don't want to have a bitter marriage where it just gives me bad feelings. That's not a fun way to live. Plus, that's not healthy on our children.


I can see why you left MB. Everything you have done is un MB. Everything you have done is to make it easier for your WW to bang her OM.

So many posters have told you that you need to do the same things that you heard at MB.

Your problem is that you only want to be told to do the things that YOU want to do. Your mind is closed to hearing about and putting into action what works.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/68788-another-tale-waw-ea-possibly-mlc.html
> 
> 
> Read this thread. Very similar except for the kids.


For some reason it tells me I don't have permission to access that page.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

:sleeping:


theroad said:


> I can see why you left MB. Everything you have done is un MB. Everything you have done is to make it easier for your WW to bang her OM.
> 
> So many posters have told you that you need to do the same things that you heard at MB.
> 
> Your problem is that you only want to be told to do the things that YOU want to do. Your mind is closed to hearing about and putting into action what works.


I don't necessarily agree with your post about me being closed-minded. If that were the case, I would not have come here looking for answers and asking questions. But exposing on a massive level (head of HR, VP's, his entire FB friends, etc) is a foreign concept to most people, so it takes a little while to sink in. Everybody that knows my situation was "floored" when I told them about exposing it on a huge level. A few even tried to convince me not to. But I know what I have to do. But let's be honest, I'm headed in the direction of D, and I just want to understand all the ripple effects this will have.

First things first, I'm moving back in Saturday evening. I'm going away during Saturday day, and then I'm showing up and telling here I'm there to stay. Should be interesting!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

AgentS702 said:


> For some reason it tells me I don't have permission to access that page.


It's in the private forum, you don't have enough posts yet.

You need to take control here. She screwed up, and she needs to fix it. If she won't, then you divorce her. In order to let her know you're serious, you file the papers. You can stop later if you decide to.

You didn't answer my question about what Plan B is.

Read my story - the link's in my signature. On D day I kicked my husband out. That was IT. but today we're doing really great. That's because of what HE has done. He had to convince me R was worth a shot. He really wanted it, so he did what he had to, and continues to do it to this day.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Exposure is not called for imo if you are going to D. Exposure is useful to attempt to pull a WS out of the fog if you are trying to R. But if R is off the table I would not stir up the hornets nest with exposure. Try to get as good a settlement as possible in the D, which means avoid stirring the pot.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Thor said:


> Exposure is not called for imo if you are going to D. Exposure is useful to attempt to pull a WS out of the fog if you are trying to R. But if R is off the table I would not stir up the hornets nest with exposure. Try to get as good a settlement as possible in the D, which means avoid stirring the pot.


I think you are the first person I've heard say that I don't asbolutely need to expose. I understand the reasoning behind you saying that (if we are going to D regardless). But the impression I was getting is that I should expose regardless of what the outcome would be.

I don't know if there is too much damage to R. Maybe so. But I don't feel good about just walking away without trying either. A part of me wants to try, but right now she doesn't want to. I don't know if it's because she's too far gone and she really has no desire...or if it's because of the fog and her other relationship.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> :sleeping:
> 
> I don't necessarily agree with your post about me being closed-minded. If that were the case, I would not have come here looking for answers and asking questions. But exposing on a massive level (head of HR, VP's, his entire FB friends, etc) is a foreign concept to most people, so it takes a little while to sink in. Everybody that knows my situation was "floored" when I told them about exposing it on a huge level. A few even tried to convince me not to. But I know what I have to do. But let's be honest, I'm headed in the direction of D, and I just want to understand all the ripple effects this will have.
> 
> First things first, I'm moving back in Saturday evening. I'm going away during Saturday day, and then I'm showing up and telling here I'm there to stay. Should be interesting!


Moving back into your home is a start !!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

AgentS702 said:


> CEL: She has expressed remorse. When I asked her if any family/friends knew, she said of course not because she was ashamed and not proud of what she did. She has said she's sorry she hurt me, and those weren't her intentions.
> 
> 
> So does anybody out there think it can be saved? It seems like the only thing I'm hearing is that I should file for D ASAP. If that's the case, then why even expose besides to break them up? All my family and friends know, so I'm getting the support I need. Sorry, but I'm new to these concepts and what effects they might have.


Christ they should teach this sh!t in school before we get married


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> I think you are the first person I've heard say that I don't asbolutely need to expose.


I would respectfully submit, that there is probably a good reason for that.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

badmemory said:


> I would respectfully submit, that there is probably a good reason for that.


What is the purpose of exposure if the intent is to D her? To be more specific, what is the rush to expose prior to finalizing the divorce agreement? Afterwards, yeah expose the posom so he has some consequences. Expose WW so the important people understand the truth (rather than let her define BH as some kind of abusive hubby).

OP's WW had an EA then went PA after dday. She lied after dday saying the EA was over, then she slept with posom. She has said she wants out of the marriage, they separated. It doesn't look like R is in the cards.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you are going to go there and just move back in, she might go ballistic. Bring a voice-activated recorder and keep it on. You don't want her to be able to get away with falsely accusing you of anything.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Her affair will not end, and thus you will not reconcile, if you try to do it half hearted. The path to an amicable divorce and the path to breaking up an affair are opposite of each other.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You ask if there is hope. Well up to know there hasn't been since the affair never stopped, all that happened was you and her made a nice arrangement for her to allow her the freedom to continue the affair.

I'd very widely expose and file for D. Let the dust settle on that and turn ask yourself why or if you want anything more to do with her.

But first exposé and begin killing the affair.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

So I just told WW an hour ago that I'm moving back in effective immediately and she is NOT HAPPY. I completely expected that. She's saying stuff like "we have discussed everything first, and now you're just surprising me with this? I thought we were going to work things out without lawyers, but I guess not. This is just going to speed up the D process".

She also attacked me personally saying stuff like "this is just your old, controlling self coming out again. I knew you didn't change."

I'm assuming (and hope) this is all normal and it will cool down?

She also said, because it was supposed to be her night with the girls, that she wants to bring them to her parents house for the night and bring them back here tomorrow. They live in another state (an hour away). I said I didn't want her to take the girls. That just made her even more pi$$ed! Am I right for saying no? Or am I just adding fuel to the fire by "being controlling"?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's trying to control you by badgering you with wild accusations. Don't fall for this. You have every right to be in your home with your kids. In your bed. She doesn't like it? she can leave. 

Are her parents okay? Trustworthy? Because you know she's likely going to drop them off and enjoy the night with you know who. 

If the kids can't be there with you then they're probably better off with their grands rather than with her and possibly the OM. 

Don't let her badger you. Tell her that you being there in no way hinders an amicable divorce. And if she wants to "speed it up" then so much the better. Tell her to get the ball rolling - but you're done rolling over. 

And as for you "surprising her with this" you can just chuckle and say "welcome to my world"!


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> She's trying to control you by badgering you with wild accusations. Don't fall for this. You have every right to be in your home with your kids. In your bed. She doesn't like it? she can leave.
> 
> Are her parents okay? Trustworthy? Because you know she's likely going to drop them off and enjoy the night with you know who.
> 
> ...


Thank you Mars. You made me feel a lot better. I've already replied in the ways you suggested, regarding the "welcome to my world" comment and that me being there in no way hinders an amicable D. 

She did tell me that she has loved the "freedom" she has felt since our separation, so I really don't think R is in the cards.

But I feel much better about that today after our talk, because I deserve somebody so much better than the way she treats me. She only focuses on any negative things about me, or what she perceives to be negative. I love myself today because I know I'm an awesome dude. She doesn't see that part of me, and that's just disrespectful.

I miss my old wife, but that person "died" some time back.

As for her parents, yes I trust them. And OM lives waaaaay too far away from them, so I truly believe she just feels trapped by my surprise and she's trying to escape and still be with the girls. But me refusing to let her leave is only fueling her fire even more and might diminish our chance at an amicable D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is OM up on cheaterville.com?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you are not exercising the 180 start today.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Shaggy, I did not know about that site. So no as of this writing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Mars, I have been doing a decent job at a 180, but its been to the benefit of me only. Which I know is the primary purpose. But she has not seen my changes cause we would see each other for 10 mins every Sunday.

Now that I told her I'm moving back in, she told me I haven't changed and that I'm still controlling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She can say the cheese on the moon is the best. Who cares. Do the 180 for you. It doesn't matter that she notices or not. But unless she's out of touch with reality (very possible) she will notice. 

I asked so that you can handle the abuse you are sure to get when you move back in. Stay to the 180 - love your kids. Take care of your health. Keep a var handy. 

Don't escalate when she attacks. "I don't see it that way" and "I'm sorry you feel that way" are the only things you need to say to her when she berates.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> But me refusing to let her leave is only fueling her fire even more and might diminish our chance at an amicable D.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amicable D is usually the opposite path to breaking up the affair and getting a chance to R.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm sorry. From what I read, she is not interested in doing anything to R. By moving in, you are proving that you are controllling and from the sounds of it, with your insistance that she hasn't told you EXACTLY HOW SHE FEELS, she might be right.

YOU may not want to break up the family. She has not been hesitant at all.

So...the question I have to ask is: except for reasserting your property rights, what are you doing this for?

You want to show her how great you are? Sorry, but I can't imagine you've changed all that much in 5 months except for your body fat percentage.

And you seem focused on the 180 for the wrong reasons. You don't seem detached from her at all, particularly in your demand that you prove to yourself you did EVERYTHING possible to make a go of it.

I am reminded of this movie I saw where the actor is on a desert island with a little rowboat and because of drunkeness, neglect whatever, the boat just sort of floated off.

I think moving back in is just going to be very painful and put the coda on the relationship.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

JCD said:


> I'm sorry. From what I read, she is not interested in doing anything to R. By moving in, you are proving that you are controllling and from the sounds of it, with your insistance that she hasn't told you EXACTLY HOW SHE FEELS, she might be right.
> 
> YOU may not want to break up the family. She has not been hesitant at all.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the response. Now I'm just confused because most people have criticized me for moving out and told me that I just enabled their affair. Now moving back in is the wrong move? This is not easy!

We were living in limbo for 4 months with absolutely no talks about D or the next steps. I didn't want to initiate the D talks, because that's not what I wanted. I felt like I was just rolling over and taking it, and I would have had a great deal of resentment towards her in the future IMO. 

I did like how we were being civil and we would send random emails/texts if something interesting happened with the girls at daycare. But as much as I liked it, it was not healthy for me. I would have never gotten over her at that pace.

We initially said we would try to go through the D without lawyers (except to finalize it), but I wouldn't be surprised if she filed tomorrow.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Ok, so it's been a few weeks since I updated my status. I moved back in that weekend and she was obviously not happy at all! She never saw me mad, negative, or anything like that, but she was/is very uncomfortable. That's besides the point, b/c I don't want to R anymore. Moving back in changed it for me.

To be honest, I read a post about "Just Letting Go", and it mentioned letting go of people that don't value or respect you. I read that a while ago, but that hit me in a completely different light after I moved back in. While we were away, I only focused on the good times. Hence, why I missed her. She told me she was reminded of all the bad times. She brought up something that happened 12 years ago...waaaaay before we were married. I'm sorry, but I'm not that bad of a person where I deserve that. I deserve somebody so much better than her. I now don't value or respect her.

And so I lost all my feelings. And now, if she had an epiphany that she screwed up and wants to work it out, I wouldn't. So we tried working it out w/o lawyers (to keep the cost down), but I guess she changed her mind because she told me a week ago that she retained a lawyer. Now I have done the same.

So she is still involved with this low-life. He is a recovering addict (alcohol + crack or heroin, I can't remember). On top of that, his ex-GF told me that he is divorced because he was emotionally and physically abusive to his ex-wife. This is a dirtbag that I DO NOT want around my girls. So my question is, do I still expose to try to break them up? She admitted that she hasn't told anybody in her life about him because "I tell them what I want to tell them". Or is it pointless at this point? I don't care what she gets herself into. I just don't want my girls around him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes you expose.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Expose far and wide. Just tell everyone in yours and her friends and family circles your wife has introduced a third man into your marriage. She has been having an affair since <date>. His name is < name>, and according to his GF he is an XYZ. Tell the world the affair situation is unacceptable for you and that you are divorcing her. Expose her the same day she is served divorce papers . I know it seems ugly but it is the truth. Until you do this your wife will waffle back and forth and drag your emotions thru hell in that process. She choose to cheat. You must choose how to deal with that with you in the drivers seat. Not her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes you expose, you tell her parents and siblings exactly who and what she is having an affair with. You need to do everything in your power to break them up and keep him away from her i.e., your kids. He is not step father material.

Put him on cheaterville.com

Get in touch with his ex wife and have her deposed for your divorce

Get in touch with his girlfriend and have her deposed

Tell your wife you need POSOM's inf so you can get him deposed

Make sure your lawyer has done a background, criminal records check on him. Share these with your wife and her family if anything turns up.

Go to dadsdivorce.com, can't personally recommend it but others say it is great.


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## AgentS702 (May 15, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Yes you expose.


So in the exposure letters, do I just pretend that I want to R? Generally the purpose of the letter is to ask family & friends to ask them to stop seeing each other to possibly save my marriage. I have no desire for that. So I keep the letter the same format?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just keep it simple and state what she has done.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The purpose of exposure is not just to break up or end the affair. It also helps to defend you against her attempt to paint you as a monster and to rewrite your marital history as she attempts to justify her actions to her family and friends.

If she hasn't told her family about the new Mr. Wonderful, its because she knows they won't approve. 

Make sure when you expose to her family, you include details about the POS's drug addict and abusive past. That way if she is telling her family what a controlling monster you are, she will look like a fool for choosing to cheat with a TRUE piece of trash like that.

It will make her blameshifting excuses look that much less credible and stupid in their eyes.

I mean, who runs away from a situation they claim is abusive into the cheating arms of a known drug addict and spouse abuser?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You may want to allude to his recovering addiction as a reason for exposure:
" You may or may not know that Jean has been seeing Don Doofus and because of that I am seeking a divorce. Unfortunately, according to Don's former girlfriend Doofus is a recovering drug addict. I'd appreciate it if you could influence Jean to refrain from having the kids around Doofus until he is fully recovered." 

BTW - her reluctance to be living with you during this time is to remain faithful to Doofus. I'm sure it's a thorn in his side - so she may try to antagonize you in order to report to him that she's not being unfaithful.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> But I have also learned that, since that letter, they have slept together. My family and friends know about their relationship


She's still with the OM and having a relationship with him. 



AgentS702 said:


> I told her on Mother's Day that I miss her and miss having a life with her. Those are my only feelings I've shared with her in 4 months.?


You told her you miss her and miss having a life with her yet she's said nothing to you along those same lines?

That's really weak doing that, it validates her position, basically saying "I know you're having an affair, you left me but I miss you and want you back in my life".

Don't do it again. It's really bad for your self esteem and it only makes you seem weaker and less attractive to her and pushes her further into the other guy's arms so if she was even thinking about coming back to you that ruins that idea.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

AgentS702 said:


> So in the exposure letters, do I just pretend that I want to R? Generally the purpose of the letter is to ask family & friends to ask them to stop seeing each other to possibly save my marriage. I have no desire for that. So I keep the letter the same format?


Don't lie in the exposure letter. Keep it short and sweet and state specifically WHY you are exposing her affair to them. Possible reasons could be:

1. Although you don't want to get back with her, you still care for her, and don't want her to throw her life away on a drug addict.

2. She has been behaving terribly for you, bringing up incidents that happened 12 years ago, before you even were married, and she has told you that she tells people only what she wants them to know; THEREFORE, you are afraid that she will be spreading lies about you and why you are splitting up, and you want to set the record straight.

3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, you don't want any of your precious children exposed to this DRUG ADDICT whom your wife barely knows other than for sex.

Be sure to name him by name.


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