# help on my wifes past required



## mike1974 (Apr 22, 2013)

I cant find anything on this subject, but my wife was a happy ending massage girl, serviced around 1000 men, got naked in spa then went to massage table and naked performed happy endings, no sex, but I tell you its doing my head in completely. She says it was for money only and so on, there was nothing to it but up and down but there was spa play, there must have been. Anyhow I need help and advice as I am starting to lose respect. We have been together 6 months and married for one, its suddenly hit me I am such an idiot, but I love her ... please help me


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How has it shaped her attitude toward you and toward sex with you? Women in the sex trade become very jaded and bitter toward men and sex.

How long did she work at it? 1000/10 per day = 100 days.


How long ago was it that she did this?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

How did you find out about her former job, and at what point in the relationship did you find out?


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## mike1974 (Apr 22, 2013)

To answer your questions she did this for one year at least that I know of, perhaps two years, she said she did it for a month to start with but I since found out from google it was at least one year. She told me after I was head over heals in love, just before our wedding anyhow she seems fine with it as it wasn't sex to her, she saved her vagina as she puts it and our sex life has been fine, its me now that's killing it, so so screwed up


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

well its part of her past I guess. its not like guys are calling now for "messages" right? she's not getting crazy texts late at night? She's with you, married you, that must say something about you. I'd let it go honestly


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## mike1974 (Apr 22, 2013)

Yes I know wise words, easier said than done though especially when you read **** other men have posted about experiences and so on, I told myself same at first but as the days have rolled on have found myself gone from a self confident man to depressed sad and thoughts in my head no man should have to deal with , especially when mis led totally from the start I would have never got involved if I knew from the start, my bloody ego, is it possible I can let it go feel a man, I ask myself. Yes what we had was fantasy and it was great, can I handle the reality will a true test of the man I am


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

ok, there was no sex involved in her job, or there was? cause if there wasn't, then your totally blowing this out of proportion, if there was your not blowing this out of proportion enough. She's prob not proud of it all, she told you b4 the "I do's", not sure when telling you would have made you feel better, or more about that she finally reached a point she could trust you completely with the truth.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

mike1974 said:


> To answer your questions she did this for one year at least that I know of, perhaps two years, she said she did it for a month to start with but I since found out from google it was at least one year. She told me after I was head over heals in love, just before our wedding anyhow she seems fine with it as it wasn't sex to her, she saved her vagina as she puts it and our sex life has been fine, its me now that's killing it, so so screwed up


Mike this sucks, she told you right before your wedding and she downplayed it saying it was a month but you found out later it was at least a year. 

I don't blame you for struggling with this, since she lied about the time she did it I'm sure you don't believe that she saved her vagina. Even if she did its prostitution. You have every right to be upset and to walk away, especially if you still don't know how long shes been doing it. 

If you want to stay she needs to come clean and you needed to get MC ASAP.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She told you she did it for a month before marriage.
Then using google you found out it was for a year.
And using google you also find out comments that her clients made about her? Is that what I am reading? If so, that's really tough.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I agree with Mablenc.

Personally, I don't think working as a "massage girl" (assuming that's all it was) is a big deal, but I recognize that to most people it's a VERY big deal, and she should have told you earlier in your relationship. She also should have told you the full truth up front. 

Since she has already tried to minimize the time she worked there, it's possible she has minimized other things too, like going beyond just the duties that she described. People on TAM generally call this "trickle truth". There may be a lot more to her story, and it may come out in small pieces at a time.

I recommend MC for you both - this isn't a good way to start a marriage! If you haven't done it already, I recommend full STD testing for both of you. It will probably come up negative, and it would go a long way toward your own peace of mind.


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## mike1974 (Apr 22, 2013)

Yes I was totally misled from the start she made out she was a cute sweet girl and we fell in love, she was finished with the happy endings at least a year before I met her, there are no late night calls and so on and to her credit she did tell me before the I do's but lied at same time about the time she did it, which makes me doubt anything she says now, and yes I did Google searches discovered she worked for a massage parlor, they have her working there every month for 12 months on the roster which is as far back as they keep and well I have found details men have posted on experiences . Not easy, I am struggling with the acts and thoughts as well as deception and what a great start to marriage with my dream wife


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, she totally minimized her former "job" (loosely utilized term), however she told you BEFORE you got married. You chose to marry her because you were "head over heals (sic) in love" with her.

Did she have sex with other boyfriends before you? Did she give them "happy endings"?

While it totally sucks that she minimized it, you still married her willingly. It is her PAST.

Have you told her every detail of yours?


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

depends on what your definition of sex is, blowjobs are sex. If a mans penis was in her mouth it was in her. How do you know she is being completely honest with you about not having "sex" with any of them. I find that hard to believe. 

However, did you know this when you married her? If you did then you have no leg to stand on here. It is what it is. As long as its in the past I dont see a problem.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

LoriC said:


> depends on what your definition of sex is, blowjobs are sex. If a mans penis was in her mouth it was in her. How do you know she is being completely honest with you about not having "sex" with any of them. I find that hard to believe.
> 
> However, did you know this when you married her? If you did then you have no leg to stand on here. It is what it is. As long as its in the past I dont see a problem.


It is a problem because she downplayed her past, she said she tried it for a month because of the money. He finds out it was at least a year. The whole I saved my vigina for you does not cut it. She trickled truth him and that's not fair.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You are in a hard place. I am sorry for you.

I agree with the others that suggest counselling. If you are going to be happy in your marriage then you are going to have to learn to put the past behind you, learn to live in the present. There are techniques you can learn to help with this.

And I think the others are right: you could find that you experience trickle truth.

Best wishes


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

So...how is it you didn't know about her past before you married her?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

This is a complex issue.

On the surface you can say "She told you before the I do's". You can also say, it's her past and what she did in her past is none of your business.

Now, lets look deeper. She told you right before the I do's, but she lied about what she told you. So in reality she told you nothing. That's like saying "I was promiscous..versus I was in a 400 person gang bang". There's a difference. What she's also telling you is she finds it okay to lie to you. To only share enough of whatever the difficult situation is to get you past it without her having to face it fully. That is the behavior that would scare me the most in all of this. The fact that my wife is willing to lie to me and spin a situation. 

Also I'm sorry but a person's past makes them who they are today. Saying a person's past has no influence on you is RIDICULOUS. If your spouse was sexually abused as a child. IT'S GOING TO AFFECT your marriage. If your spouse is an entitled, egomaniac with very loose morals when it comes to sex....there's a high probability you're going to be dealing with infidelity. I'm not saying that how promiscuous a person was is right or wrong. I'm saying HOW they bring that into the relationship is important. My wife was much more "experienced" than me, mostly because she spent more years single than I did. We were 100% open with each other and actually could enjoy discussing it. We both tried things in our past that we don't want to now and we both don't think we're missing anything like "she did it with HIM, why not me" because we learned what we liked and didn't like and then could tell our partner about it.

Your wife was a prostitute. Period. Don't mince words. Oh it was only Happy Endings.....Don't play Bill Clinton here. Sex is sex. If a woman does something in order to make a man orgasm..it's sex.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Your wife was a prostitute. Plain and simple. She lied to you. 

The women that do that are nothing but scum, the men that pay for it are nothing but scum. 

I am sorry, but the past isn't just the past. She has zero moral fiber.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Some men, it seems to me, dont mind her type of past. Looks like you do care.

Your marriage is very new. Annulment should be easy.

Your mind movies aint gonna end anytime soon.

Get yourself test for STDs, the permanent ones, not those that can be cured with antibiotics.


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## saving relationships (Apr 22, 2013)

It all comes down to if you truly love her enough to look beyond her past. What she did wasn't right. It's really tough when there is such a huge breach in communication. You two have to be honest and forthcoming with each other if you two are going to move past this. If you are trying to move past this, think of it this way. Does it matter if its 100 or 1000? It is the same act regardless of the number of times. It could be your not past the act itself. The number is just magnifying it. 

Try to understand why she may have only told you part of the truth. If you ever feel you understand why she lied, then it will be easier to forgive her.

Wish you all the best


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's clearly minimizing and that's worrisome because husbands and wives really do need to be full honest with each other.

The other problem us STDs and even the general messed up attitude to sex that former sex workers have.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Ask yourself a few questions. Does she treat you well? Are your relationship needs generally satisfied? Do you find her interesting? Can you have a reasonable conversation? Are you a well matched couple?

If so, then great....you've got something good going on.

If I'd worked for a year giving guys hand jobs I'd be pretty embarrassed by it too. I'd try to down play it as well. Some guys might react badly if they knew it was a year. 

1000 happy endings or 10000 happy endings, I think it would have become boring and I suspect she would have mentally disengaged during the process......probably wondering what she'll have for supper that night, gotta pay the rent, go shopping....whatever. These were commercial clients, not boyfriends or one night stands.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

mike1974 said:


> Yes I was totally misled from the start she made out she was a cute sweet girl and we fell in love, she was finished with the happy endings at least a year before I met her, there are no late night calls and so on and to her credit she did tell me before the I do's but lied at same time about the time she did it, which makes me doubt anything she says now, and yes I did Google searches discovered she worked for a massage parlor, they have her working there every month for 12 months on the roster which is as far back as they keep and well I have found details men have posted on experiences . Not easy, I am struggling with the acts and thoughts as well as deception and what a great start to marriage with my dream wife


I couldn't have cared less if my wife did this before I met her. It is the lying that is a problem, and yes now the question is what else she lied about. On the other hand you married her knowing the basic issue so it is a little muddled.

I'd want to look into a lot about her background - family, friends, school, etc. It sounds like you didn't know her very well. One can understand why she minimized this but it doesn't make it right and the possibility of just being a liar is open. 

She is a cut above the poster calling everyone scum though.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your W should have told you about her former job around the time you were moving towards a committed relationship with her, not just before the wedding. However, this doesn't help you now because obviously you're concerned about it...

If this issue isn't sorted out it's going to ruin your relationship, and you might consider MC before things turn sour between you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mike1974 said:


> To answer your questions she did this for one year at least that I know of, perhaps two years, she said she did it for a month to start with but I since found out from google it was at least one year. She told me after I was head over heals in love, just before our wedding anyhow she seems fine with it as it wasn't sex to her, she saved her vagina as she puts it and our sex life has been fine, its me now that's killing it, so so screwed up


Ok so she did tell you what she did but she trickled truthed it as you found out she lied about the length of time. So then why would you believe the rest?

I agree that she was in the sex trade and at least some level of a prostitution. Wonderful. It would be hard to believe that there were not extras. There was spa play? WTH is that? So she was in the spa with the men. Ummm. How is this not sex folks? Are we kibitzing over penetration? Perhaps. But he really has not idea what services she did and what she did not and for how long. 

I find it hilarious that some folks think there is no difference between 10 times, 100 times, 1000 times and so on. Really? Well I can agree to a point. One time is really too many.

So she was a sweet girl and then one day ended up doping massages and getting men off one way or the other for part of her life. What got her into the sex industry? Did she have John's. Anyway, you found out you were lied to. You do not have children with her. You need to decide what your boundaries are.

Oh and Dear Penthouse.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

I "prostitute" myself at my job every day...it's just a different kind of work. I do it for money and to support my family. 

My reference to numbers was regarding boredom and mentally disengaging from the process......just like I do. I'm an airline captain....feelin' lucky. :smthumbup:

Nah...just kiddin'....I actually work in a highly dangerous explosive environment close to a city.....and I'm still totally underutilised bored and disengaged.......and that's the truth.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Your wife was a prostitute. Plain and simple. She lied to you.
> 
> *The women that do that are nothing but scum, the men that pay for it are nothing but scum.*
> 
> I am sorry, but the past isn't just the past. She has zero moral fiber.


Its a service in exchange for money, people do that everyday. That doesnt not make prostitutes or the peoploe who pay for them scummy. Sex is not scummy. What _was _ scummy was the OPs wife lying to the OP about the extent of her history however.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'd be worried that's not all she lied about.

She said that she saved her vagina for him. OK, what about her mouth and anus?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

mike1974 said:


> I cant find anything on this subject, but my wife was a happy ending massage girl, serviced around 1000 men, got naked in spa then went to massage table and naked performed happy endings, *no sex*, but I tell you its doing my head in completely. She says it was for money only and so on, there was nothing to it but up and down but there was spa play, there must have been. Anyhow I need help and advice as I am starting to lose respect. We have been together 6 months and married for one, its suddenly hit me I am such an idiot, but I love her ... please help me


Could someone explain to me the incredible anomaly of calling all kinds of sex 'no sex'....really I don't understand. 

I understand from other threads that only vaginal intercourse is seen as 'sex'. About the only thing of the sexual spectrum women .don't need to have sex by the way....


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Your wife was a prostitute. Plain and simple. She lied to you.
> 
> The women that do that are nothing but scum, the men that pay for it are nothing but scum.
> 
> I am sorry, but the past isn't just the past. She has zero moral fiber.


Black and White.

You only need one if-then-else and two statements to go through life.

Why would people do so difficult as life can be so easy.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is a tricky one.

If I've read right, she only did hand jobs.
No penetrative sex.
She also only did it for a year.

I can see this from two perspectives.
The first one, is a girl on hard times looking for some " quick cash" doing a job.No penetrative sex involved.
I see no real problem marrying a woman like that.

The other perspective is the fact that she lied.
It would be difficult for me to believe that all she did was just give hand jobs, because she lied about the amount of time involved. Given her situation then , she was broke , she could have had sex with any client in the parlour or even arranged sex for money outside of her workplace. These are the doubts that would begin to play out in my mind.

The fact that she lied to her husband and he had to find out the truth himself is worrying.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Black and White.
> 
> You only need one if-then-else and two statements to go through life.
> 
> Why would people do so difficult as life can be so easy.


Life is more Polymorphic. But indeed in an iterative sense one can test a virtually infinite number of levels as one peels the onion. It is having good boundaries to do if-then-else tests and cases against the run time circumstances against your dealbreakers.

One can decide where their boundaries are and have integrity. If you go through life shooting form the hip you will blow your leg off eventually. Call it values if that helps. 

So some folks may decide that they want the person they are to marry to have high standards. What those standards are, are entirely up to the person making the decision. They may make a black and white decision to not marry a child molester, a prostitute, a rapist, a drug dealer or someone who eats quiche. They get to choose. This is not selecting someone to work at the mall. It is selecting someone who is worthy of dedicating your life to. 

So an if-then-else test is a decision construct. We make untold number of decisions everyday and all day.

Not marrying a prostitute is a good start. If this is your best choice in life then one has to consider their own personal value. Now if you are a prostitue as well then perhaps you are compatible and then I say go for it.

In programmatic terms I get that you feel this is a run-time decision. LOL.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Could someone explain to me the incredible anomaly of calling all kinds of sex 'no sex'....really I don't understand.
> 
> I understand from other threads that only vaginal intercourse is seen as 'sex'. About the only thing of the sexual spectrum women .don't need to have sex by the way....


I completely agree!!! This is just about levels of sex. She did have sexual interaction with men for a living whether she had PIV sex with them or not.

But considering her lying already who can say what the truth might be. Arguably the biggest issue here is her lying.


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