# It's Over - Day One



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I've posted here numerous times about the problems in my relationship. Briefly: same sex, unmarried (civilly or otherwise), relationship officially ended today after 10.5 years. 

My story is very similar to that of so many others. These things transcend sexual orientation; ultimately they are about the failure of human relationships. My ex and I had a really great, loving, balanced relationship which included relocating together out of state in 2004. She had a great job out there but I could not get it together, could not find work, hated it where we were and missed my family terribly. We talked and agreed to return to our city of origin where we are now.

After that our relationship continued, more or less harmoniously until she lost her job in 2009. When the unemployment ran out in 2010, she became a recluse. She refused to look for work and announced that I had to take care of her for the rest of her life. This is when the relationship should have ended; however I accepted this and indeed became the breadwinner. Since then she has grown more and more resentful. 

In 2011 I joined this site because I stumbled on a blog she created. She said then (among other choice words) that she felt controlled by me, hated my family (who took her in and loved her like a daughter), and wanted to break up with me but did not know how to tell me. I busted her on this and she sobbed, denied everything and said she didn't know what she was doing/saying....she took it all back, I forgave her and that was that. We lasted two more years after this episode.

This year the perfect storm arose that ended up sinking us completely. She turned 40 and lost 100 pounds over a 2 year period. She also went into therapy to deal with a trauma that happened to her when she was 20 years old. Beginning in April she started distancing herself more and more, cut off the sex and the affection, and eventually dropped the bomb that she was thinking that she wanted to date men. We went back and forth for a few months. Then today I sit her down for a relationship talk. Well, I was the one who got a lecture. She announced she'd gotten herself a job back in the city we had left in 2004 and that she intended to take it, live by herself, and date men. 

End of conversation.

End of 10 year relationship which I viewed, and my family viewed, as a marriage (which my ex now says "isn't the same" as a heterosexual marriage -Catholic damage fueled by mid life crisis and new, skinny, male-approved body).

Beginning of a period of introspection and examination for me of why I put up with so much for so long, and working on myself so that my second love will be much healthier.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How heavy was she before dropping 100lb, I'm guess 200+? Unless she was over 6' she would have been a large woman then? That contributes very much to your feeling of self, and shedding 100lbs changes how you see yourself.

That's why spouses of people who get gastric bypass often find themselves dumped afterward.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Sorry to hear this Nix- I'm currently going through the Civil Partnership dissolution, but was where you are now back on 13th March 2013.

For some daft reason, the general public seem to view the end of a same sex relationship as being a quick easy thing. Sadly it isn't- it doesn't matter who you love- it hurts like hell when you get to the point you're at.

It's going to be a rollercoaster of a few weeks ahead. The comments about being controlling are normally the voices of someone who is starting to rewrite history, something you'll get used to hearing in the coming weeks. You'll get to hear how they can justify their actions. It'll hurt- but please trust me on this- it's better to face these actions head on and plough through them- otherwise it'll hurt even more in the future if you don't.

Equally, be kind to yourself. The world will appear to be a scary place today. But tomorrow is new day and you will even in this bleakest of moments find or do something which you've not done before. Even if it's dragging yourself round a shop you've not been in before but always wanted to!

If you need to talk- use this forum. It's a fantastic place- soundbite against us rather than your partner- the advice here has helped me a lot over the last 3 months and saved a lot of potential heartbreak or self destruction. You'll make mistakes like we all have, but talk those mistakes through on here.

Finally for now...trust me and us all when we say it'll get easier!


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## Suchacliche (May 18, 2013)

Very sorry. I'm beginning to hate the number 40. That's when my husband started having his mid life crisis. 
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you because I'm sure people don't give you the same support since so many people don't see it as a "real" marriage. 
Take it one day at a time and work on you. You will go through some crazy emotions but we just have to take it in stride. I really wish there was some kind of potion to take it all away Do something really nice for yourself, you deserve it. Lost of hugs. We are here for you!


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Today was a difficult day. I saw her briefly this morning and she told me "maybe we just need a year apart" and that the heterosexual attractions she was feeling were "something she needs to get out of her system." She will not be swayed, she is going and she is happy as can be. She shows only a very limited awareness of how badly she has hurt me. She mumbled "I'm sorry" and "I can't imagine what you must be going through." Meanwhile, people who don't even know me all that well are offering true emotional support and understanding. My ex allowed unspoken resentments to consume her until they ate away at what was once a very solid and loving partnership. Her loss. Today was a very hard day for me but I am doing better now.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Don't let yourself become her plan B. 

"Maybe we just need a year apart."? She's expecting you to be waiting around for her. Selfish thinking. 

It doesn't sound like you have kids together, so going No Contact should be easier, especially since she's moving away. Remember, no contact means no new hurts. It can be really difficult to detach emotionally, but you'll feel better the further along you get in the process, especially with the support of your family around you.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My MIL turned lesbian after 3 failed marriages and got married to her partner 24 years ago. Day after my wedding! You are correct about how people view the relations in different light.
I personally just signed up to spill my story/get help yesterday. I may not be able to help, but I sure can pray and be a friend for a fellow person going through this pain.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Is it possible that she has been communicating with OM/W? It sounds like you are plan B in her mind. Perhaps you should tell her that once she leaves that is it. You are not her security blanket. Let her know that you will be getting on with your life and wish her luck. 

I have a feeling that she will regret leaving you. It may take as much as two years but I am certain she will not find what she thinks is out there. 

Try to make it a surgical cut. No friendly chats with her to let you know how she is doing. She will probably want to keep one foot in your door. Nix give her absolutely no emotional support to help her make the transition. Nothing. She's on her own. Let her see what it is like without you to lean on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks to all who have replied. I have spent a minimal amount of time with my ex in recent days but it has been enough to open my eyes to the reality of the relationship. My ex has been nursing resentments against me going back to almost the very beginning. She is using these resentments to fuel a simmering rage against me. As philglossop predicted, she's re-writing history to make me look like an ogre and justify her decision to leave me, move 1700 miles away, and explore heterosexuality. More and more it looks to me that we probably should never have gotten involved in a serious relationship. We loved each other and there was a lot of good there, but we are incompatible in some very basic ways. She is very compliant and I am assertive, and we never discussed anything because my ex would never say what was on her mind. She was so shut down she probably did not even know what she needed, she just went along with what I wanted. So over the course of 10 years, many decisions were made that turned out not to go my ex's way - simply because she never made her needs or preferences clear. She acts like I did this on purpose but I did not, and I won't take it on now that she needs me to be the cause of her unhappiness. I am having my ups and downs but I am more and more OK with this relationship being over. I did the very best I could and she did too, but we are not right for each other and really never were.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Nix said:


> I am having my ups and downs but I am more and more OK with this relationship being over. I did the very best I could and she did too, but we are not right for each other and really never were.


Bravo! Doing the very best you could and recognizing it is the best place you can be. 

I'm in the same boat with my stbxw, I'm an a-hole and she's rewriting history since the beginning to make it all about how she's done nothing wrong.

I would caution on accepting too much that you weren't right for each other. That could be true, but that's the story she's spinning now, but that doesn't make it true. Perhaps you were really compatible, based on the limited honest info she gave you? If she had leveled with you on her resentments, you could have addressed problems together, rather than adding more meat to the resentment stew pot.

Just because she says you weren't compatible, doesn't make it true. That's her perspective and don't be swayed to it, unless you think critically about the relationship and can really agree.

Sounds like you're doing as well as can be, but reading, posting and participating on TAM will get you through the coming months of ups and downs. And they will be that!


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

It is now almost a week since my now-ex partner sat me down and told me she was moving to Las Vegas alone to resurrect her career and date other people. I had also gotten a job in Vegas but would have gone only to please her, and to get our relationship back on track. 

We lived there together in 2004-2005 and returned because I was miserable. At the time she said "nothing was worth" losing our relationship. She chose me over her job there. During the ensuing years back home, her career went downhill and she was ultimately laid off. Since then her resentments have built to a thundering crescendo, until they drowned out everything else, everything good and beautiful about us. 

I supported us, and this year I asked her to go back to work. I was tired of feeling like she was just along for the ride and did not really want to be there. And if I am honest, it turns out that is exactly what was going on. She really wants to be in Vegas and jumped at the opportunity for a "do-over." 

There's more, but I am slowly and painfully facing the fact that my relationship was over for at least a year before it ended, and it was dying for years before that, and I was too frightened and paralyzed to do anything about it.

Really sad today. The grief waves are so overwhelming, and it does not help that I am a teacher on summer break, and I have nothing but time on my hands....time I used to spend doing fun things with my partner, just sharing time together.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Sad for your sadness Nix. Try to find things to do, especially exercise. Go for a hike, a walk, run, swim, lift weights, yoga, etc. Occupy yourself with current hobies or try some that you've wanted to, but haven't. Engage your brain in learning new things and it will help distract you from the sadness.

I'm not saying to ignore your emotions, but do things so they don't consume you.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Right now I just want to build a time machine and go back to when things were so wonderful between us, when it was us against the world. Those days have been gone for so long, but they are so precious to me. I thought things would always be that way.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry for your pain. I know all too well the feeling of wishing I could get back the relationship I thought we had.
FYI-I know two other couples that ended long term relationships after one of the pair lost 100+ lbs. There's something about changing your body so drastically that obviously impacts the mind as well. I have no idea if that really applies in your situation, just thought I'd share. Stay strong.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> So sorry for your pain. I know all too well the feeling of wishing I could get back the relationship I thought we had.
> FYI-I know two other couples that ended long term relationships after one of the pair lost 100+ lbs. There's something about changing your body so drastically that obviously impacts the mind as well. I have no idea if that really applies in your situation, just thought I'd share. Stay strong.


Thanks Pluto. I think my ex's weight loss most definitely factors into the situation. A whole new world opened to her and she gained the confidence to consider making additional changes in her life, changes she once thought were impossible. She has literally become an entirely different person this year which OF COURSE is the year she turned 40. I am waking up to the reality that she wants out of her entire way of life, which includes me. Whether our paths will converge again in the future is beyond my knowledge or understanding. For now, I just need to let her go, as horrible and difficult as it is for me at the moment. She was my everything, and I built my world around her for a decade. I used to tell people we were "lifers" with a happy smile knowing I had found my other half, forever. I forgot that people keep choosing each other over time and that there are no guarantees, and I never in a million years considered how drastically and fundamentally my ex would change.


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