# Who's undermining who here?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

We have issues surrounding my OH not being here fulltime, and us being slightly different about 'reminding' him about manners, discipline, etc
We are talking about being more 'united' about our approach, thusfar not totally successfully
This morning: son (8) eating breakfast, cereal, in kitchen (I'd got it out) OH preparing toast for both of them, or at least for son, after checking he wanted some
I walk through doing something, spot son's cereal bowl not empty but pushed to one side, say come on eat some more
son says I don't like it (or something like that, to the effect he's bored with the cereals I give him) I go to make some response, 
OH puts hand up (a bit like talk to the hand but not quite so exaggerated) & says 'just leave it, I'll deal with it' in a not aggressive but definitely assertive go away please type manner
When we talk about it later because he knows I'm upset, I point out that his attitude gives the message to son 'it's okay to basically tell Mum to butt out' and he seems to refuse to see it like that, responding 'well how about it was you undermining me by 'butting in' to breakfast
To which my response is yes fine you were there but can't we parent at the same time?
Ok I'd love to be told I'm right but it's not all about that - if I'm not right, I'd like to get advice about how I handle all of this, for all our sakes particularly our son and how he's brought up by partly single-parenting and partly (currently not terribly joint) joint :scratchheadarenting


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## LGSL (Mar 23, 2011)

I think you're right. You're a mom. And I respect that you have ideas about what you'd like to do with your child. I do too!  But my boyfriend doesn't always see it that way. I think the best think to do is talk with your OH and come across as a united front (like you said) in any way you can.

Tell your OH, I respect your opinion. Can you help me with this? Perhaps he is just getting defensive b/c of the way you are approaching him. But if you ask him to help you out and state, simply, that you want your son to see mommy and daddy as together on this, which you think will be more effective and make him then respect both of you, you might have more luck!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not going to say I "side" with your H, but I will say that I think he was right in the fact that he was already handling breakfast, and to him it might have felt like you were walking in "supervising" what he was doing. That's unnerving, my H does it to me sometimes LOL. Sure you can parent at the same time, but when one parent is making breakfast and has control on the situation I think its best to just observe and maybe talk when you are alone about maybe getting your son to eat more of his cereal in the mornings.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I am not going to say I "side" with your H, but I will say that I think he was right in the fact that he was already handling breakfast, and to him it might have felt like you were walking in "supervising" what he was doing. That's unnerving, my H does it to me sometimes LOL. Sure you can parent at the same time, but when one parent is making breakfast and has control on the situation I think its best to just observe and maybe talk when you are alone about maybe getting your son to eat more of his cereal in the mornings.


Ok I'll (not with total good grace!) accept that he was handling that element of breakfast - for me though it's not so much the cereal or amount eaten, nor even me learning to 'let' dad deal single-handed in the midst of other joint parenting - the bit I didn't like was how he actually spoke to me and 'dismissed' me in front of our son, who's REALLY difficult with me a lot of the time when I'm on our own yet seemingly 90% better with dad when Dad's around - and dad seems oblivious of how 8yo plays us off against each other
I need to be able to accept the dad dealing with son, whilst know how to steer him towards not undermining me even if he feels the situation was actually in reverse (I hope that makes it clear I understand but still think there's an issue unresolved!)


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I understand that it hurt when he dismissed you in front of your son, but it also wouldn't have happened if it was recognized as "okay, he is doing this I will let it be". If it was actually that big of an issue, it would have been more important for you to address it later. It was such a small thing that you felt okay trying to "help" and it ended up backfiring.

I do think it would be great to agree not to step on each others toes as well as address each other respectfully when you FEEL like you are being stepped on. ( I wouldn't have really felt it was intruding personally, but I am guessing your H did). I do think you are correct in the fact that its needs to be addressed on HOW he speaks to you in front of him too.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Got into what started as a calm rational conversation with him within the past hour, ended up not so but during it he said 'please post that you do that constantly' (ref 'butting in')- my take on that is that in his perception, probably I have done it quite a bit in the past, much less so now (not sure what his view on that would be) and the context is a mix of his perception, truth that yes I did it a fair bit, context of that being our not being together (parenting or at all) fulltime and the disparity in our discipline styles and the undermining issue
Sorry this is a bit rushed - having left him under a bit of a cloud I have to go to get 8yo
Don't think he took on board that I said I accept that people are saying maybe I shouldn't add my two cents if you're parenting BUT that he shouldn't have spoken that way in front of child - he seemed to object to the fact that if I'd accepted my responsibility, I was kind of putting him in a corner to accept his and then came the 'well post this ---- ' comment!
Anyone help?!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm afraid I'll have to go with what Dawn said also. Perhaps I'm not understanding your post--how something so small becomes a huge deal. Me? I never would have said a word. An 8 year old child will eat when he is hungry. No need to coax him in the first place. Unless, the desired effect is to provoke a confrontation or micromanage.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

madimoff said:


> Got into what started as a calm rational conversation with him within the past hour, ended up not so but during it he said 'please post that you do that constantly' (ref 'butting in')- my take on that is that in his perception, probably I have done it quite a bit in the past, much less so now (not sure what his view on that would be) and the context is a mix of his perception, truth that yes I did it a fair bit, context of that being our not being together (parenting or at all) fulltime and the disparity in our discipline styles and the undermining issue
> Sorry this is a bit rushed - having left him under a bit of a cloud I have to go to get 8yo
> Don't think he took on board that I said I accept that people are saying maybe I shouldn't add my two cents if you're parenting BUT that he shouldn't have spoken that way in front of child - he seemed to object to the fact that if I'd accepted my responsibility, I was kind of putting him in a corner to accept his and then came the 'well post this ---- ' comment!
> Anyone help?!




I am pretty sure that is his way of trying to make sure you see how you started this misadventure. With something that COULD have been completely avoided by simply trusting in him that he was handling breakfast -- yes, it feels like you don't trust him when you come in and try to step on toes -- and now you are turning it into him needing to apologize. I agree, he shouldn't have been so short, BUT I can also see how if this is repeated behavior by you, then YOU need to step up your game to stop. You know it bothers him, you know its rude and hurtful, but its still happening. The BIGGER issue is your actions. His REACTION is the smaller issue. You don't want him to talk to you like that in front of your son -- do you want your son seeing you constantly micromanaging his father??


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> We have issues surrounding my OH not being here fulltime, and us being slightly different about 'reminding' him about manners, discipline, etc
> We are talking about being more 'united' about our approach, thusfar not totally successfully
> This morning: son (8) eating breakfast, cereal, in kitchen (I'd got it out) OH preparing toast for both of them, or at least for son, after checking he wanted some
> I walk through doing something, spot son's cereal bowl not empty but pushed to one side, say come on eat some more
> ...


I think you should not have put your oar in if Dad was on the job. I'd have cherpily said something like, Oh! You are on the job. You probably could ask him to be a little bit more pleasant about it next time. 

We ALL need reminders not to put our oar in. But being a united front is a two way street. You cannot over ride him either.




> When we talk about it later because he knows I'm upset, I point out that his attitude gives the message to son 'it's okay to basically tell Mum to butt out'


Well... it is, kinda. What is more important? Dad and you being united? Or son eating some arbitrary amount of cereal. (And btw why were you responsible for how much he eats? That is your son's job.)




> and he seems to refuse to see it like that, responding 'well how about it was you undermining me by 'butting in' to breakfast


I am with your husband here. It is too bad that this cabitzing comes with grumpiness. But if I have set a scene up, and DH comes in and intervenes, it is both irritating and difficult to manage. 

A kind key phrase would help. You guys could agree in advance on some "canned" phrase. Thanks honey for your willingness to help. but I already have this one, comes to mind.



> To which my response is yes fine you were there but can't we parent at the same time?


No. If you want a united front, you let the one on the job do the job. If you have a problem with it, you take it behind closed doors. And nagging your kid to eat is not parenting.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Oh dear
I get the feeling I have to do some apologising when I get the chance; most of what you've all said probably IS fair but still FEELS taken out of the context of me having to parent most of the time single handed plus sub-issues only one of which is dad's house overseas where I'm not welcome, me not choosing to live apart, blah blah
though having said that, to some if not all of you it probably looks like sour grapes having been told in no uncertain terms I might have been toe-treading! I'm not taking away from the ticking off, honest - just things are never even an easy shade of grey, are they


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think its about the way you are looking at it. You are looking for a "right" and a "wrong". Simply don't worry about that. Worry about how you can have a peaceful and respectful relationship.

I was trying to skim through your past posts getting a hold on your circumstances as a whole, and I might not have it all, but I saw that you parent while you H is away at work overseas? Okay, my H is military, gone for a year here and a year there. Do you wanna know the biggest complaint he had about me? He would come back from overseas and felt like he didn't have a place in our family. He felt as soon as he went to do something, I completely railroaded him BECAUSE I WAS USED TO GOING AT IT ALONE. These are all mindsets you have to work to disengage.


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