# Sexless Marriage - Newlyweds



## engage85 (Feb 9, 2015)

Hi All,

I'm in a big dilemma. Im 29 years old, married for exactly one year now. I met my husband in my apartment complex, he was my neighbour. We dated for 3 years before tying the knot in Jan 2014. We never had pre-marital sex, as I insisted on waiting till we get married. We did fool around a bit but not all the way. Now the problem is we still haven't consummated our marriage!!! Immediately after we got married, we both fell ill (severe flu) so by the time we recovered, I had to resume work and then it just never happened. Weekends, even if I try and make a move, he'll say he's either too tired or not really in the mood. I used to wear sexy lingerie but after being rejected on several occasions, I stopped trying. I know he's not gay because when we used to fool around initially he used to get turned on. It feels like a switch went off in his head and he doesn't long for sex at all.

I've tried talking to him to visit a sex therapist and get help but in his head he keeps putting it off saying he is attracted to me and the sex will happen. He feels we have too many fights ( as we have never lived together before we got married ) and that may have something to do with us not having sex.

Please help. I'm losing hope and now I've turned to prayer & god. 

Leaving him is not an option because we both love each other and I cannot imagine my life without him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your husband?

I assume that you live in the USA. It would be very hard to find a man near your age or older who would go 3 years dating and playing around sexually but not having sex. 

What was his sexual experience like before your relationship with him?

What was your sex life like before your relationship with him?

There are three possibilities that I can think of.

1) He's not very sexual and so he was very comfortable with a sexless relationship. Now that you are married, the situation has changed. He does not want sex and he knows that if you two start playing around like before you married, he's going to be under pressure to perform sexually.

or

2) He spend 3 years not having sex with you. Your relationship is based on not having sex. Now you want to change the relationship to have sex. But he's trained his body to not respond to you sexually.

or

3) He as the Madonna/***** complex. This is when a man puts women into two categories. Wives and mothers are "Madonna". They are pure and thus non-sexual. The women a man like this has sex with, he views a *****s. You are a "Madonna" to him. You were pure for 3 years. So now he cannot have sex with his "Madonna" wife.


----------



## engage85 (Feb 9, 2015)

Question - You say you dated for three years before getting married, could you share how long the both of you were seriously committed while dating?

Answer - From day 1, we were committed. The thing is, I was in a relationship with a much older man before I met my husband, and I did have sex with him. But I felt so guilty because we didn't end up getting married and I felt used. So when I met my husband, although we were committed to each other from day 1 ( back in 2011 ) I refrained from having sex because I wanted to make sure he is the man I marry 

Question - How far into your relationship with your husband did you start fooling around together and of the pair of you which of you were keenest to fool around?

Answer - Within a few weeks really, I started fooling around. We both would make a move. That's the funny thing - we are both so touchy feely that We couldnt keep our hands off each other. Also after we got married, he's always stroking my hair, touching my thigh, pecking me, but it does not translate to sex.

How well was your insistence for abstinence over three years received by your husband?

Answer - I feel that was the switch that turned him off. He did bring it up once, if I remember correctly, he said you slept with the other guy who did not even end up marrying you. To which I said, that's why I felt guilty because I went all the way for a man and I felt used and abused. He never brought it up again and I just assumed once we marry things will be alright.

What are your fights about, how often are they and how do you both respond to such conflict?

Answer - We fight about small stuff - household chores, financial stuff, but I feel his anger is disproportionate to the topic. He takes too long to get over a fight and he'll turn into a small kid ( takes after his father ) So It takes us a few days to get back to talking to each other. But i'd rather take time to cool off cause I tend to bring up our sex life in these fights and end up saying something nasty

If leaving him is not an option, are you prepared to live a lifetime of celibacy, can you imagine a lifetime without sex while living with him?

Answer - If I remember correctly, when I previously got physical with my ex, I didn't like it very much. I found it to be messy but I have nothing else to compare it to. So I'm not sure if I'm entirely Pro-sex but I do masturbate ( not much, very little )


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

engage85 said:


> Answer - If I remember correctly, when I previously got physical with my ex, I didn't like it very much. I found it to be messy but I have nothing else to compare it to. So I'm not sure if I'm entirely Pro-sex but I do masturbate ( not much, very little )


If you did not really like sex, why do you want it now?


----------



## engage85 (Feb 9, 2015)

I get the same feeling...he's probably not very sexual. I'm tired of guessing. 

He does not watch porn, not that I know of. 

We are Indians but born and raised in Dubai ( United Arab Emirates ) and follow Hinduism. 

Since I've been dealing with this for the last year, I've done extensive research and I read somewhere if a man is not financially settled, then he is likely to have low sex-drive ( something like that ) he is financially alright but since he runs his own business he is constantly under pressure.


----------



## engage85 (Feb 9, 2015)

@ EleGirl : Although I did not enjoy sex very much with my Ex, I would definitely like a bond with my husband. I feel sex will bring us closer. I would like to have sex with my husband and someday have a kid as well.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My guess is more along the lines of Eles theory #2. You've trained him to see you as non sexual. I also suspect he lives his life with a resentment level at about a 9.


----------



## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Here's another idea: Anxiety!

You guys have been building this up for four years now. Four years you've been thinking about having sex with each other, what it will be like. You both probably have certain expectations. He knows this, and he doesn't want to be a disappointment. He also probably knows that the first handful of times are going to suck because neither of you know what you're doing when it come to each other. It makes him nervous, so he keeps ignoring your advances, putting it off and putting it off (and avoidance is never a good method of dealing with anxiety)... And then he feels bad about that, too. It's all one big cycle of Bad Thoughts. 

At least, that's my opinion. If that's the case, my advice would just be to reassure him that you don't expect him to be some Sex God straight off the bat, tell him you have no trouble taking it slow, etc. Therapy is probably not necessary. 

Also don't worry, anxiety towards sex is super common in couples that decide to wait until marriage. The little fights (and really big ones) are also super common in couples who don't cohabitate before marriage. Congrats, you guys are normal for your circumstances.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Just another theory. 
Almost the EXACT same thing happened to my Aunt. It turned out that he was gay.
I'm not trying to be negative, I just think you have to explore ALL POSSIBLE OPTIONS!


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to get out.

You are married to a man who DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

I did it for 20 years. Don't make the same mistake.


----------



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

do you still fool around, or has that completely stopped as well since getting married? To me, still continuing other sexual things but not intercourse after marriage is a completely different situation than stopping all things sexual for the past year. This specification could shed a little light on things!


----------

