# I just don't care anymore.....kinda long.



## Emma109 (Jan 13, 2011)

I've been married for 2 years and have a 6 month old baby. A little bit of history, my husband and I dated in high school and got back together 3 years ago. We dated for about 6 months before we got married. Well about a month before we got married we broke up, 3 days later I went out drinking with my girlfriends and made a HUGE mistake by sleeping with a coworker. Well we got back together and decided to get married. He found out about the coworker and called off the wedding saying I cheated on him, which I didn't because we weren't together and I really wasn't planning on getting back together with him. So we patched things up and for the first 7 months of our marriage he used that as ammo in our fights. He brought it up every time we fought. If I wanted to leave during a fight he wanted to know who I was going to sleep with this time. 

Well I got preg right after our 1 year anniversary and had a really rough first 4 months. I was so sick I ended up in the hospital and I lost about 10 pounds in my 3rd month. Well I wasn't in the mood for sex so he asks me who am I sleeping with because I'm not sleeping with him. He is the kind of person he wants to win a fight no matter what. He isn't mean when he fights he is just cruel!! 

Well fast forward to December, my ex was going through boot camp and sent me a letter. I did tell my husband that my exes mother called me and asked me to write to him, which I did because we were still friends. Well my husband got home before me one day and checked the mail about a week before Christmas, and got the letter. He read the letter then he hid it from me and didn't tell me about it. Well we got into a fight and he then decides now is the perfect time to bring up the letter, Christmas eve. Apparently my ex put in the letter he wanted me to leave my husband to be with him. He said he wanted to take care of me and the baby. I completely understand my husband being upset, who wouldn't be?! But I didn't write that, he did. Its not like he found a letter I wrote saying I wanted to be with my ex! When I wrote to him it was about my child and my family. Me and my ex dated for about a year, he was close with my family and I was close with his. My husband told me I was going to stop talking to my ex and his family! Then got mad when I said no, I said no because I'm a grown woman you're not going to order me around. I admit that was not the best decision I ever made, I should have said yes and just been done with it but I'm not going to be talked to like I'm your child or employee. All he had to do was say, I would really appreciate it if you would cut ties with him since he is trying to get you to leave me. Its all about the way you approach someone. 

Since December it has just not been the same for me. He hacked into my email and my facebook looking for whatever, he didn't find anything, there was nothing for him to find. He is super sweet most of the time and very affectionate. But he has done this before. He will push me until I'm ready to walk away then be a total kiss ass and expect everything to be fine. I just feel like him acting like this is just completely fake, which makes me even more mad! If it wasn't for our baby, I would have been gone months ago. Once things are good again he is going to go right back to the same old thing. I'm just over it! I love him as the father of my child but I'm not in love with him any more. I want him to be happy but I can't deal with this hot and cold attitude any more. I just don't think its a healthy relationship and I don't think its good for my baby to be around it. 

Don't get me wrong I know I have my own faults, no one is perfect. But at least I'm willing to admit when I've made a mistake. I do everything I can to fix the problems I've caused. I've been trying to fix this by myself for 2 years, I'm done its broken. Now how do I just leave!? I look like a total jerk because to others it looks like he's trying so hard and I'm just walking away. I want to just leave, how do I do that? What is my first step? How do you approach someone and say "umm I don't want to be married to you anymore"!? I'm scared of how he is going to act. I'm scared he is going to use my child to get to me. What do I do?


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## psionivy (Apr 4, 2011)

In my opinion really think before you jump. I know you are upset with his actions but think of all you may be leaving behind before you leave and if its not worth tring to work through.
Would he consider counseling? I think people go through many periods where you feel more at some points in a relationship than others and I can understand your lack of "fuzzy feelings" for him right now.
I can say that my spouse would be very upset if some guy had written me saying those things and I understand your point about being told what to do. It seems like there may be some communication issues at the moment and I hope you can work through them.
To answer your question about the first step- that would be to talk to him but do not tell him "you love him but are not in love with him" thats the worst things to hear and cuts like a knife. Be open and honest with your feelings or lack of feelings (emotional connection). Handle it with grace and you will be led to the rest. Good luck


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

Emma109,

For starters, I am going through my own marital issues, so I hope I don't sound like a giant hypocrit by telling you what I think you should do. You can take my opinion as a grain of salt, but here it is:

If you are sure that you are done with the marriage, and don't want to consider MC, I would maybe first talk about a separation, instead of divorce. It sounds mean, but maybe wait until he makes a mistake so you have reason to leave, without angering him and putting your child at risk. Or you can always lie and say something like, "I'm going to _____'s house tonight to house sit." The point is, you will be away from him to have some time to yourself to think, even if it's just one night. Then when you want to talk more seriously about the fact that you won't be coming back anytime soon, or that you want a divorce, your child won't be present (and it's up to you whether or not you are even speaking to him in person, but I feel you owe him at least that, unless you think he'll hurt you, of course). Maybe have your baby be at your mom's house or somewhere safe. Then you and him can talk about it like adults. If you are afraid of him getting angry, don't be shy to bring a third person, or have this discussion in a public place. If he works full-time and you have some time, maybe gather some of the small items that you want to keep out of your marriage, and start storing them at your mom's house. You never know what he'll try to do to your stuff when he's angry. He's already going through your mail and hacking into your Facebook account like he's some kind of stocker. He sounds very possessive, and maybe he himself has cheated before (not necessarily on you) or has been cheated on, so he is very insecure. 

But the point here is not to diagnose his issues, or feel sorry for him. If you don't love him anymore, you don't love him, and he deserves to know that. And you deserve to get out of the relationship and be happy, as does your child. If you think he is going to freak out about you taking the child, consider finding an attorney. You don't know if he'll want joint custody or something, and that's something you'll have to consider. If you are really serious about divorcing, close out any joint bank accounts that you have with him, or accounts of yours that he has access to, before he steals all your money too. I don't know if he'd do that, but you might know. You'll need that money for your child. You may want to consider splitting the money down the middle, and giving him half (dividing the accessets), but you don't want your name on any accounts that he can screw up by overdrawing or whatever, because next thing you know your credit has gone down the toilet and you'll have trouble renting a new apartment for you and your baby. 

When you say you are scared how he is going to act, and that you are scared he's going to use your child to get to you, how do you mean? Would he hit you? Would he take your child and leave? If these things are true, please be careful and consider what I've said. Please make sure that your baby is not present in the home when you talk to him, because it could get ugly. Maybe have someone with you when you talk to him, or someone on stand by that can come over immediately if things get ugly (again, not bringing your child into the picture at all).

As soon as the divorce goes through, seek child support. It will help you and your baby. And if he made a lot more money than you, and you feel you deserve alimony, look into that as well.

You can always say, "Please do one last MC session with me," and then in the session you can tell him your true feelings. 

I don't know, I could be completely wrong here - but that's my opinion. No one should stay in a relationship that gives them constant fear. And who gives a **** what the "others" think anyway - you know the truth. You know your heart. And you know what's really going on here.


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## Emma109 (Jan 13, 2011)

I really appreciate the input! I have asked him to go to church with me or MC he refuses to do either! He thinks this will fix itself. For the past 6 months I have basically been a single parent. He helps sometimes but not much. I have absolutely no interest in keeping our daughter away from him, he is her father and he loves her. I honestly think if I wasn't in the picture he'd be a better father, as long as I'm there taking care of everything he doesn't have to. I know he would never physically hurt me. He is very emotionally abusive though. I really don't think seperation is an option with him. He will say all or nothing! 

His parents went through a horrible divorce when he was a kid. They used all 3 of their children to hurt each other. His mom wanted the kids so she could get more money, his dad wanted them so he wouldn't have to pay and she would. It was all about money and hurting each other to them. They tried to turn all 3 of those kids against each other. My husband is just like his parents. He is vicious when he is angry.

He claims he loves me more than anything, if thats true why won't he try to fix this?! The only reason I can think of is he loves himself more. I'm very close with my parents and my mom knows everything that has gone on between us; the good, the bad, and the ugly! If I was wrong, I told her and she told me, you were wrong you need to fix it! I want him to help take care of his daughter and let me go.

I have thought about waiting for a fight just to have an excuse, I know that sounds terrible but it may make things easier. I have been praying and trying to unload some of this burden. I'm scared of how he is going to act but I honestly can't tell you what exactly it is I'm afraid he's going to do!


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## jose1980 (Aug 20, 2011)

Hi Emma,

I only hope i didnt get here too late to give you some advice! Anyway i'll have a short go if i can still be of help. If you are still with the guy pls dont rush off and go, wait just a short while. I'll highly recommend that you buy a book which has been of such great help to me personally, i've come to know so many things i didnt know before. The book is 'LOVE AND RESPECT' By Dr.Emerson Eggerichs-I really really really think you should read this book. The second book i'd advice you to get is BECOMING THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS by Sharon Jaynes. If you are not a proud woman i'm sure you will save your marriage. If your husband forgave you after cheating on him just shortly before your marriage then i think he really loves you, and i think from what you wrote he is basically a good man. I think he just doesnt feel respected, appreciated and valued for who he is and as the man of the house, and dont you think maybe you could just be the 'nervous' type in the sense that 'he should not order you around(from what you wrote), which i dont think he is really doing, to me its something else. Remember, dont allow ANYTHING external, (no matter what it is) to get in to your marriage, WHATSOEVER. Marriage is not about rights, and am not saying that you become like a doormat either. For the specific issue of that other guy, i think you are completely wrong to say
'All he had to do was say, I would really appreciate it if you would cut ties with him since he is trying to get you to leave me. Its all about the way you approach someone'...a 100%genious would swallow that and do it. You should realise here that he can not beg you over something that you should have been the first person to deal with in the right way, he is the one being offended here, not you!

Emma sorry, i might have sounded really hard on you and soft on him, but i just want to help you if ever this is possible. I know he too is not perfect but remember women are the builders of homes, so long as you have a husband who you know is of general good will. Emma, get these books and read them as soon as you can, even if you are separated at this moment. At a later time pls encourage him to read 'LOVE AND RESPECT'

Am wishing you all the best dear. 
If you dont mind drop me a note someday after reading them. I'll be happy to hear from you. my email is [email protected]

Cheeerss!!!!... and be wise

A big hug,
Josephine

nb, sorry i forgot, take advantage of the super sweet moments to talk about your relationship, dont use it to assert your actions by saying you should have, or am right and you were wrong etc.. i mean dont make anything sound like you are pointing a finger, but rather make him know you are sorry if you did anything wrong, make your feelings known to him if you are upset about something he did or does, remember as you said 'it all depends on how you say it'... something like 'honey you know what, i know you really care for me but when you do xyz it really makes me feel xyz...etc... and then make it a habit whenever you need to correct anything. i know it might not be easy or natural but give it a start.


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