# Anyone has any experience with trial separation while married?



## rrr123456

All, my husband and I've had a lot of marital issues lately and it has come to a point where he has accepted a position across the country and is moving away soon. But we are not getting a divorce and doing a sort of a trial separation. We're not calling it that but it is that. He will be coming back from time to time as he says and we will divide up the finances evenly. I would like to reconcile and looking at this time and distance as a positive thing for us to work on ourselves individually and then as a couple later. I've made that clear to him. He is sadly not in that space but I hope he will. I would like to know if anyone has any experience with this and obviously would like to know if it was successful...if so, what did you do to make it successful? Thank you.


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## thunderchad

Almost all separations turn into divorce. You can't work on a marriage when people don't live together. The whole 'work on ourselves' is not a thing. People grow apart and start seeing other people.


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## Kaliber

thunderchad said:


> Almost all separations turn into divorce. You can't work on a marriage when people don't live together. The whole 'work on ourselves' is not a thing. People grow apart and start seeing other people.


What @thunderchad said.



rrr123456 said:


> and doing a sort of a trial separation


Who's idea was it?


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## Diana7

So he sees it as permanent but you want to stay married? 
If you want to stay married then don't separate is my advise. No good will come of it.


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## Talker67

just so neither one of you are dissapointed with this trial separation....discuss the rules and boundaries you both will adhere to.
for instance, is it ok if he dates women? You dating too?
can he have sex with women in his new town?
are you expected to call each other every day, once a week, whenever?

what about holidays....are you two expected to meet up for those? 4th of july weekend? and so on.

if you two do not clearly discuss the boundaries, one of you might end up quite surprised.


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## EleGirl

There's a thing called "structured separation". The idea is that you negotiate the rules and you both live by them. Usually if the couple intends to work through some issues and get back together, they find a counselor who can help them negotiate the agreement. For example, are you two going to date other people? What agreement do you have about that? How will finances be handled? Do you two have children, how will the two of you parent them?

Keep in mind that most separations end in divorce. The main reason for this is that the two parties often have very different ideas of what the separation means. Very often at least one starts dating. They don't agree on how to handle finances, etc. An agreement will help this chaos from happening.

You can do a google search on "structured separation agreement". I suggest you read several articles on this and find a template.

The Structured Separation Agreement | Ward Therapy Associates, LLC (wardmfts.com)

Separation Agreement Template (US) | LawDepot

Separation Agreement | Free Template & Sample (legaltemplates.net) .


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## Evinrude58

You are hoping, but he isn’t. He’s abandoning you, leaving you behind. Don’t be so naive as to think he won’t be chasing women when he’s living across the country and has told you that you and he will be “dividing up financing”.

Dividing up= divorcing

Don’t let him keep you in limbo. If he wants a divorce, grant him one abd move on with your life. You can’t hope someone into loving you. We’ve all tried it and it doesn’t work. Ever.


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## Rob_1

rrr123456 said:


> But we are not getting a divorce and doing a sort of a trial separation. We're not calling it that but it is that.


You need a dose of reality here, and forget about "hopium". His taking a job that is separating you, is nothing but the first step towards divorce. That's why he took that job. It's just a matter of time now.


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## hamadryad

Trial separation seems like "lets see what's out there for me, but if there isn't anything then I have a backup plan-"-without the guilt of just cheating on a spouse. Never heard people staying together after separating. It was just staging for the inevitable.


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm afraid you just need to accept that he wants out of the marriage and not waste your time. If he was interested in working on the marriage he would be staying there and working on the marriage. You're going to have to let go and I'm sorry about that.


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## Young at Heart

rrr123456 said:


> All, my husband and I've had a lot of marital issues lately and it has come to a point where *he has accepted a position across the country and is moving away soon.* But *we are not getting a divorce and doing a sort of a trial separation. We're not calling it that but it is that*. He will be coming back from time to time as he says and we will divide up the finances evenly.* I would like to reconcil*e and looking at this time and distance as a positive thing for us to work on ourselves individually and then as a couple later. I've made that clear to him. *He is sadly not in that space* but I hope he will. I would like to know if anyone has any experience with this and obviously would like to know if it was successful...if so, what did you do to make it successful? Thank you.


You have been given a lot of good advice.

I would like to point out to you that the two of your are in totally different places, literally and figuratively. 

You are calling it a trial separation where you intend to work on issues within your marriage while the two of your are apart from each other. He (by your own words) has no such intent. He is moving away from you and if he comes back you may get a booty call if he hasn't found a serious lover in where he will be living.

You can't assume him into putting in the work to make a long distance relationship work. Long term relationships take a lot more effort to keep the flame of love alive and glowing. 

From what you have described you need to set boundaries with his as to what is a divorcable offense before he leaves. You need to get it in writing and live with it. Marriage is about commitment to each other. Tell him what your boundaries are. Put them in writing. Ask him to make a commitment to follow those rules or the marriage will be over.

While he is not there in terms of commitment, something that might work would be for both to promise to not date, while he is gone. that you will read one chapter in a relationship book (pick one anyone, Schnarch's Love and Desire, the Crucible, MW Davis Divorce Busting, Chapman's 5 LL, etc) and then have a date night where you discuss over the telephone what you each read and what resonated with your. 

There are two theories to what you are doing. The first is the grass is greener on the other side of the fence until you see what is on the other side of the fence and it is worse than what you had. The second theory is that you each need space to contemplate your marriage and how it got to such a bad place. Under this second approach the lack of daily life distractions will make you appreciate each others contributions that you previously ignored and that you will have less distractions. 

Unfortunately neither of those two is likely to happen. I like the idea of either negotiating the structured separation or doing the equivalent yourself. I think the structured spearation will have a better chance of working, especially if there is a weekly or daily component that includes something for fixing or building the marriage.

Good luck.


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## Laurentium

rrr123456 said:


> He will be coming back from time to time


Hmm. To get his laundry done?

I think YOU need to set some boundaries here. For example; "_either you agree to talk to a couple counselor, and don't start dividing up the finances, or else don't come back and visit. No half-way house._" Or substitute whatever works for you. But don't just accept his terms without question.

You didn't say what kind the "issues" were.

Are children involved?


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## Deejo

These are the words straight from a therapists mouth when my wife at the time were in counseling for the second time in less than 3 years:
"Make no mistake, separating is never a step you take to save your marriage. It is a step you take to end it."


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## thunderchad

Deejo said:


> "Make no mistake, separating is never a step you take to save your marriage. It is a step you take to end it."


This is 100% true. I can't believe some therapists actually recommend it. Are they just that disconnected from reality?


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## jwrw120121

rrr123456 said:


> All, my husband and I've had a lot of marital issues lately and it has come to a point where he has accepted a position across the country and is moving away soon. But we are not getting a divorce and doing a sort of a trial separation. We're not calling it that but it is that. He will be coming back from time to time as he says and we will divide up the finances evenly. I would like to reconcile and looking at this time and distance as a positive thing for us to work on ourselves individually and then as a couple later. I've made that clear to him. He is sadly not in that space but I hope he will. I would like to know if anyone has any experience with this and obviously would like to know if it was successful...if so, what did you do to make it successful? Thank you.





thunderchad said:


> This is 100% true. I can't believe some therapists actually recommend it. Are they just that disconnected from reality?


I too am going thru separation of two months. We see each other every day and neither of us want anyone else. We love each other but we had communication issues, we have been talking things out and he is considering moving back home. Hopefully you and your husband can sit and talk things out as well. Best wishes to you.


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