# Sexless Marriage...What should I do?



## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

Well, this may take a moment to explain what I would consider a sexless marriage. I may be convinced that maybe I have just been unwanted. Sense the topic is about a sexless marriage(mine); one can safely assume to over generalize or to stereotype that I am a ruthless, emotionless, selfish, degenerate male(husband) that only and always thinks about sex. Granted this is not the case; let me explain in the best way that I can help one(you) understand my current dilemma. 

I would like to begin with a little bit about myself to help give you an understanding or background; if you may, of who I am and where I am coming from. Kind of like the genesis of every super hero story in a comic book or grand theatrical release. Let's face it, with this day and age a majority of people know who the Avengers of Justice League are. By no means am I referring to myself as a super hero; far from it. This may seem more like a Disney type fairytale in the beginning. I digress, let me begin. 
I was raised with a religious background and a fine tuned moral compass. I learned through my peers and their many mistakes to travel down the straight and narrow. I decided I would rather skip the adolescent juvenile behavior of sex, drugs, and Rock n' Roll for a more sound/rewarding future. So, I purposed in my heart and vowed a vow that I would remain celibate and keep my lips from the pleasures of another until marriage. By no means was it an easy task; nor did I compromise because of that hidden belief that I clung to, "If I was willing to wait for marriage, that someone else out there may have that same hidden vow of vows". By no means was I unattractive, but have had many advances, yet remained faithful to my vow and never had a, "girlfriend" per say, but just girls that were friends. Please try not to miss read this and assume that I was pompous; but I did have that pride and commitment to my personal beliefs. Then I met her.

How odd it was to meet another person of same age, in college, with the same convictions and hopelessness such as I. The oddity and hopelessness I speak of; is the rarity of ever finding such a lady that would keep herself from even a kiss such as I. This Is the Disney type fairytale that I speak of when referring to what seemed to be an anomaly in this modern sex induced world. We met in a chat room discussing religious and moral topics within a group. Over a year we emailed, wrote letters, and spoke on the phone as our most vulnerable and intimate selves over a 1,500 mile divide. So, we decided to meet face to face.

We met face to face at thee airport with much curiosity and wonder if we were whom we had proclaimed we were. Granted we have seen each other on webcam and had known that we were the person in the picture we advertised. But it was entirely new step to meet in the physical; as if it were meeting some Rockstar, movie star, or world renown figure that you see on television or magazine. I remember walking off the plane to acquire my bags and my heart was at a pitter patter, or as Thumper from Bambi would say, "Twitterpated". Then we locked eyes and briskly walked toward each other(she would describe me as hoping). Our hands met each others for the first time as we stood in the middle of a busy airport tightly grasping each other smiling from ear to ear. I could smell her perfume tease my senses and feel her soft skin clamming up as mine, from the sensory overload of our most anticipated experience throughout our many conversations. Our future was planned and we were both an open book with nothing to hide. We only had two weeks to know each other in this surreal reality. 

I had stayed with her and her parents for the two weeks that I was there. We had separated rooms and hadn't kissed even with the temptation ever so close. The boundary line was set; we were only allowing ourselves the pleasure of holding each others hands. We did tease each other of what if's; such as, what if throughout our 20 years of patience we just blew it, and started making out(sucking face as I would put it) for comical relief. Yet, we remained determined, because some day marriage would soon follow. 

A year had passed by and our physical encounters were more frequent with much anticipation for that coming day of matrimony. I had asked her to marry me on her last visit to my state/home. We were faithful to our promise to remain celibate with lips sealed. We planned our wedding day and talked of our honeymoon. We anticipated that closeness that we would share in the freedom to express ourselves in a physically intimate way. We wrote tasteful letters of what we wanted to experience with each other on what we believed would be the most magical day to remember. Then the wedding day had arrived. 

We had our wedding in her state outside an old Historic church with a beautiful landscape of mountainous green grass in the background. I had a handful of family that had attended, because of the great distance that had to be trekked. Yet, there was a large crowd of people from her side that would soon witness the first kiss between bride and groom. I had made sure that my mouth was hygienic; and breath was desirable to be around. The beautiful bride shinning in her ever so glowing brightness(is that to much?) made her way down the aisle with a nervous anticipation. We spoke our vows to each other and were finally permitted to kiss. After our years of great fortitude and commitment to our vow it had come to this moment of what seemed to be thee impossible. I admit I was rather aggressive as I dipped her over and for the first time we locked lips, which possibly looked like a crocodile grasping its victim in a death roll. Needless to say it wasn't as magical as one might imagine. We chuckled and walked down the aisle as husband and wife. We had a reception with dining and dancing that lasted until what seemed to be 10pm. We drove to her parents to get what luggage we prepared to drive across the U.S. for our honeymoon road trip. We were there for almost 2 hours it seemed. We had a neat resort type hotel that we had to drive 3 hours to get to before we could rest. We arrived at the hotel.

We arrived at the hotel and we were tired, but we had enough energy look through all the gifts and talk on the phone. I understand that we all have expectations that don't always turn out to be the way they should be. Yet, I was hoping that we would be lovey dovey, all over each other, desperately ripping each others clothes off with a hot passion that could not be kindled or at least kiss. For some odd reason there was no desire for it there. I attempted to kiss her, but she would rear away. I know we were tired, but she didn't even want to kiss goodnight. I brushed it off and was able to suck it up. I had this notion that she was burning like I was, especially after all that we talked about leading up to this point. It is real life after all, and I realized that even those events that are well planned can often turn to naught. I lay in bed next to her and attempted to kiss her again, but she rejected me claiming she was to tired, I stopped. I laid there wondering, why she had spent all this time looking at gifts and talking on the phone on our first night with each other. I mean couldn't she have taken all that energy and applied herself into what we had anticipated. It seemed as if we were to fall back on our vow before marriage it would have been so easy for the flame of desire to be aroused. I did mention that the temptation was there for both of us(she mentioned it), but we refrained. Was it because it would have been forbidden? Did she no longer want me, especially on our wedding night? I pondered much as my eyes began to shutter in the dark, knowing that she was still awake pondering from the events already passed and yet to come. Tomorrow would be another day.

The next day, I woke up and attempted to wake her up by kissing her gently on her lips. She immediately reared away and rejected me again. So, I got up, put some jeans on and went out to get breakfast. I thought many things to myself during that moment. It was a flood of anger; "Are you joking, we wait all this time and there is no passion between us now, at least on her side, right?". Empathy would come around the corner, "Well, if I were in her shoes, leaving home and everything you have known changing ever so quickly, how would I feel?". I decided to swallow my pride, expectations, and let reality set in once again. I bought breakfast and a rose. I went back to the hotel and she was awake sitting in a chair crying. I asked her what was wrong, knowing darn well what was wrong. I gave her some breakfast and we ate. She calmed down and I knelt down on one knee beside her while she was in tears. I gave her the rose and told her I loved her while placing my head against hers. We slowly locked lips and for the first time there was passion; then it became more like a fantasy(movie like) and less like reality.

Over the first year we had sex an average of 3 times a week. We would have a son within the 2nd year of our marriage. Our sex life was probably once or twice a week. Three years later we had another son and our sex life greatly diminished. It was almost once a week. We talked about our sex life and what we could do to improve it. It was boring, because she didn't want to try anything new and often was not into it as much. I am not trying to imply that she was never into it, but oft times it was something to get out of the way. Take note I am not perfect and have treated her well, even emotionally, that is why we are able to talk to each other. She had explained during our first years of marriage what she wanted, someone who asked about her, kept in touch, who would listen to what she had to say. To me listening is to do what you hear. There were times when we would both withdraw, but we both would get back on track. I remember she told me how she wanted me to inquire about her day after work. I began to take note and as soon as I got home, I would clean the house, make dinner, and ask about her day. She would get so mad and me, because I was doing more at the time, she told me she didn't love me anymore for some reason, she was going through a tough transition moving away though. It seemed like she didn't pay attention to me for any passion. I just at least wanted to see something on her part. On our 5th year of marriage I planned something special for us that I kept hidden. I worked the day on our Anniversary, but had planned for my parents to take the kids. I set up reservations for us in a 5 star Restaurant in Memphis(4 hours from our home) and booked a Room at the Hilton with a sky view. In my mind I planned to recreate our honeymoon, but this time without the first bout of rejection. I had a suitcase with her clothes and lingerie I had purchased for her packed in the car. When I had finished working for the day I told her not to say anything and jump in the car. I dropped the boys off and we began to drive. She had no clue where we were going, but I had everything planned out. Even though she had a ton of questions I refused to answer until we arrived at our destination. We stopped at the Hilton and I had bought her a dress to go out in. We went to dine and then walked around the city at night. We went back to the Hilton and she took a shower and I placed lingerie in the bathroom. I laid flowers on the bed and she came out with her usual pajama shorts on. I was perplexed. She was to tired to do anything. We did nothing. Once again I relived my honeymoon, laying down at night pondering what went wrong, how I thought I could somehow overshadow the past with this grand plan to make a better memory. I couldn't fathom how she was tired. I worked all day, planned the outing, and drove 4 hours; now she wants to pass out, What? Out of all this I began to feel hurt and slowly over time started to fade. I started journaling, not because specifically this reason, but because I wanted my children to know who there father was if something should happen. So, I journaled.

The journaling was actually a news years resolution that I had made. I purposed to journal everyday one page for the year. Needless to say I have 3 years of journaling under my belt, because it became addicting. It helped me win arguments and also helped me lose them(smile, I have lost a lot, not always marriage related). Yet, I decided to track down my sex life in small symbols, such as a star means that I had sex that day and a circle meant I initiated it, while a square meant she had initiated. Within those 3 years I have had sex 41 times and she had initiated 5 times. I have went from days, weeks, to months without sex. Tired and looking.

On my seventh year of marriage close to fall I began to get tired of living In a slump. I found an ad on craigslist with a woman who seemed to be in almost the same situation. We chat via email for a while and then I began to chat to her on Whats App. I was never familiar with that. I talked to her on the phone soon after word and we exchanged pics(no nude pics). We would mainly chat about home life and what we were going through. I never talked down about my wife as she did her husband, which made me feel bad for the guy. We never had any erotic conversations either, but did talk about something that could happen. For about three months we were friends. Then we actually met in a public place and chat for a while. I felt bad for where this was going, even though in the back of my mind I felt justified, because it was a 3 month dry spell. With much conviction I encouraged her to help her husband out by not talking so negative about him. I am not trying to sound like a really good guy, but I told her that maybe we should try rebuilding our marriages instead of tearing them down. I broke it off and came clean to my wife that very night. I showed her everything, which wasn't really anything, but the intention behind was evident. I let her know how I felt about all of it and the intervals of our sex life. She confessed she with holds sex from me and that we would work on this. I showed her my journals and what the star meant by certain pages at random spacing. I talked about who initiates and the importance. We had sex that night, which for the week it was more frequent. Once again it died down. Now I am on my 9th year of marriage and hadn't had sex in 7 months. The last time we did have sex she became pregnant (third child) and that was after a 2 month wait. I know I am not perfect and I know that marriage can be tough. I stay fit and lift weights. She isn't as active as I am and actually has a lot of time on her hands than I. I have addressed this situation before and I am still patient. I have grown tired once again. I come home and my house will be a mess even If I spend my entire day off to clean it. I no longer make it an issue. I noticed she was talking to a guy online who was coming onto her and there was small chat about how he loved her and implying to have sex. She noticed I had read the messages and confronted me by yelling at me, "it was my fault". I don't yell, nor have I every yelled at her. I forgive her, but she is angry with me. I called his wife and sent a screen shot of their conversation. He came clean to his wife and she admitted into having a sexual affair. Is this what is happening everywhere? I feel like I will get to old and all my sexual energy will be lost. I don't really feel sexually active like I used to, but that's possibly, because I never use it, yet I want to have that passion again. I never soiled my oats as a teen and even at the beginning of marriage I felt unwanted. I know without a doubt(not to sound cocky) I could find a sexual partner. It just burns me inside, that all this passion stuff I waited for seems to be non-existent. Ranting...

Now it seems to me that I have been at a rant here and there, please forgive me. I am perplexed if I should just keep living like this. I am tempted to go outside of marriage and look for a night of passion where I am actually be wanted. I am not one who just goes for an occasionally quickie. I like soft, slow, role play, sensual, passionate, love making that makes one burn with desire. I am not into porn, I have looked at it with all honesty, but it's so cheap and a rip off of real intimacy. What would you do? What should I do? I am sure I will have haters, which is understandable. I understand till death do us part. Am I shallow over this sex topic. I have read topics on here where men have been married in a sexless marriage for 20 years with regret. I am sorry, many will say marital counseling. Many will say explain to her what you have told us. You may not believe it, but I have. I am to be patient, but I sometimes want find someone who wants me in that passionate way, even though it would be rather reckless. Any advice will do, and thanks for bearing with me.

UW


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Universal Wonder said:


> I am perplexed if I should just keep living like this. I* am tempted to go outside of marriage and look for a night of passion where I am actually be wanted. *
> 
> What would you do? What should I do? I am sure I will have haters, which is understandable. *I understand till death do us part.*


Unfortunately, you have learned the hard way, that real life is not a fairy tale.

I think both of you idealized the fantasy of how a story book should play out, with very little real world experience to realize that is not the way things usually pan out. 

Like someone who makes such a big deal of sex, to the point of denying even a kiss before marriage - does not often turn out to be a hot a passionate lover. Sure, it happens on occasion, more I would say more often than not, when that much pressure, that much suppression, that much emphasis on purity results in a rather frigid sex life. 

This has been going on for years, I doubt she will change. You never knew her sexual self until you vowed till death do you part - and here you are.

You can't have it both ways. You can't seek sex outside of marriage, and then reference till death do you part. The moment you step out, you will have killed those vows.

And I sincerely doubt your pure bride would be the type to consider an open marriage or some other way for you to experience the passion you are so desperately missing.


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## pissant (Jun 25, 2018)

I can relate to everything you wrote. Not to a "T" but close enough. I am so ****ing sick of my wife and her **** that I am here, reading your sad story.... Life was not meant to be like this. So empty and full of want. A want for things we should be able to reach out and get. At one point we decided to walk this path with someone else, a person with the same interests and drives and somehow we diverge. Is it me, her, I don't know? I'll take the blame, but before I do, here is my rant....

For most of our marriage, you have put the idea of divorce in the middle of our fights. You have continued to bring up old boyfriends and how great they were with stories of their amazing traits, which I lack completely. You have told me more than once that I am a passive weak man, poor leader and ****ty in bed. You are rarely happy and at any moment you can slip into a rage of blown out proportions and small trivial anecdotes. You’re so full of drama and negativity that it is a wonder to me that we have anything in common. When I met you, I was a confident powerful man, ready to take on the world and able to achieve any feat. Today, I am scared to upset you, worried to confront you and untrusting in my ability to make you happy. You spend more time telling me how I have screwed up than you do telling me anything else. You tell me how you have been hurt in the past and that it will effect our relationship, sex life, and connection, and yet you refuse to seek professional help. You tell me it will make things worse, really, worse, is that possible. You forget good times and replay the bad ones over and over, beating a dead horse to a pulp. According to you, I dress like ****, forced you into every decision YOU have made and never met your needs. However, every goal you have had, somehow, I have been able to help you reach that goal. 
You live in a million-dollar house near the beach in a great town, and yet all you can see are telephone poles and too many neighbors. You have ever convenience of life, and yet all you do is talk about what you need. You have barely contributed to our home income, and is it easily dwarfed by the failed ventures we have paid for you to be part of (MLM hell).
I am not perfect, I have said dumb ****, but have I ever attacked you, with words or insults…. Do I not try, do I not take my lumps and work to get better….What about you!?!?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You have all been baited and switched. They want a security blanket and provider. Not a lover with passion and want. Sorry, but it seems to be prevalent these days. If you are not receiving the intimacy that you crave, you start exiting this relationship and looking for a suitable life partner. One that WANTS to be with you. That enjoys touching you and physically pleasing you and enjoys being pleased as well. 

I feel you married the marriage, and not the girl. Doesn't work very well that way.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Well I enjoy a well written story _but_ that was rife with fairy tails of white knight discipline and fairy tale romance.

You now learned first hand that it's all bullsh*t... so starting today lets change your paradigm. 

1) Please teach your kids that self restraint is good but this isn't Tibet and you dont need to restrict all pleasures in life BECAUSE that **** will blow up in your face when a women, or man, pulls the bait and switch like you just experienced. _Explosive sex does NOT happen on your wedding night... it happens very early in your relationship. _ As your levels of commitment increase your levels of explosive sex *typically* decreases. IF you are not having great sex before your marriage than do not expect it to happen after your marriage. Print that out and hand it to anyone who is 'saving themselves' for marriage. Anyone that has an opposing view is the rare exception and NOT the average

2) You traveled across the world for her, yet didn't want her sexually. So why would she open her legs for you now that you are legally bound to her? Think about that a little bit more. 

3) You are a man and testosterone is natural and healthy. Stop suppressing it and being the 'nice' guy. Women do * infact* want a man that desires her with primal lust. You lift weights.. What kind of weights? Do you do compound movements and bench/squat/deadlift weights 1.5x your body weight?? Lifting weights means nothing if you aren't lifting to increase muscle mass (if your goal is sexual desire)

4) Stop having kids with this women. For every kid you have you can divide your frequency of sex by the number of kids you have.

5) Did you mention that she had a sexual affair? If so.. it shows that she is INFACT sexual and she just doesnt want it with you. Decide if you want to continue being her puppy or if you want to divorce and teach your kids all the fantasy mistakes you made in your life

6) You are doing alot of 'covert' contracts for sex... You wife can see through this. Cleaning the house for sex doesn't work. Planning a great trip for the purpose of sex doesn't work. 

You need to buy and read a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" - Its a 2-3 hour read and is very important that you read it now

I wish you the best. My post may sting a bit but its for the best.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

What a strange story. It sounds like your wife is seriously not attracted to you in "that" way or perhaps she has some sexual abuse in her past.

I mean, my wife and I are pretty religious but attraction and a healthy desire has never been a problem. In fact, marriage was sort of the thing that made the entire physical side really pleasurable and freeing- for lack of a better word.

I can't imagine someone would marry someone they weren't seriously, sexually attracted to. Heard of it, but just find that a bit hard to believe. I mean, I think you can gauge if someone is attracted to you though without "going all the way". You can sort of feel the tension, right? You never felt this from her? I could feel this in how my wife smiled at me, and looked at me, honestly.

Your background info and tone hinting that waiting until marriage was a huge mistake- is BS actually. I mean, waiting is honorable and beautiful. The problem appears to be that you must have repressed all of your intuition about whether she DESIRED you sexually along with it.

Put frankly, no one should marry anyone unless you want to DO them and vice versa!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Universal Wonder said:


> Well, this may take a moment to explain what I would consider a sexless marriage. I may be convinced that maybe I have just been unwanted. Sense the topic is about a sexless marriage(mine); one can safely assume to over generalize or to stereotype that I am a ruthless, emotionless, selfish, degenerate male(husband) that only and always thinks about sex. Granted this is not the case; let me explain in the best way that I can help one(you) understand my current dilemma.
> 
> I would like to begin with a little bit about myself to help give you an understanding or background; if you may, of who I am and where I am coming from. Kind of like the genesis of every super hero story in a comic book or grand theatrical release. Let's face it, with this day and age a majority of people know who the Avengers of Justice League are. By no means am I referring to myself as a super hero; far from it. This may seem more like a Disney type fairytale in the beginning. I digress, let me begin.
> I was raised with a religious background and a fine tuned moral compass. I learned through my peers and their many mistakes to travel down the straight and narrow. I decided I would rather skip the adolescent juvenile behavior of sex, drugs, and Rock n' Roll for a more sound/rewarding future. So, I purposed in my heart and vowed a vow that I would remain celibate and keep my lips from the pleasures of another until marriage. By no means was it an easy task; nor did I compromise because of that hidden belief that I clung to, "If I was willing to wait for marriage, that someone else out there may have that same hidden vow of vows". By no means was I unattractive, but have had many advances, yet remained faithful to my vow and never had a, "girlfriend" per say, but just girls that were friends. Please try not to miss read this and assume that I was pompous; but I did have that pride and commitment to my personal beliefs. Then I met her.
> ...


I am the woman in our marriage. No partner should withhold sex from their partner in this manner. I was in a former marriage like this - to a man who didn't want to have sex with me hardly ever...and I was young, hot and in my 20s. We had three kids by then. I gave him an ultimatum: more frequent sex or I was out. Nine years of it and I was ready to be done. 

To shorten the story: we divorced and I never looked back. Best decision I ever made in my life. 

I love sex and want to have sex and I'm not going to ever put up being with a viable, healthy partner who withholds sex and will agree to no other outlet. That's cruel and people do not have to live like that.

I have been married for 28 years this year to a man who wants to have sex at least once a day - at times we've spent hours in bed having passionate sex. I found my match and you need to find yours.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

No, do not stay married. Do not cheat...that's not going to solve anything. Forfeiting your self respect makes it worse.

Your wife purposely was cruel by with holding sex and then giving it to another man.

That not what she vowed to do when she married you.

She's not respecting you and she isn't respecting you at all. She's proving that she is mean anda liar.

She's got too many glaring character defects - just divorce her. This IS who she is. She hasn't represented herself truly while being married to you.

End it so you can find a more compatible match.


I'm also a woman and had sex most ever day of our 25 year marriage - sometimes three times a day. Your wife is cruel and mean - you can't change that about her.


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

Well, during courtship there was definitely that sexual tension that you mention. In fact I have emails and letters that we sent weeks before our marriage what we anticipated sexually. It was if when we were officially married the sudden rush of exploring the unknown wasn't present for her. Which to me was rather disheartening. I honestly hate watching, shows, or movies with newly weds and they have that sexual passion for each other at the alter and eagerness to get busy. I am glad it worked out for you though. Thanks for the reply and everyone that does. It tends to help me gather my thoughts...


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

CatholicDad said:


> What a strange story. It sounds like your wife is seriously not attracted to you in "that" way or perhaps she has some sexual abuse in her past.
> 
> I mean, my wife and I are pretty religious but attraction and a healthy desire has never been a problem. In fact, marriage was sort of the thing that made the entire physical side really pleasurable and freeing- for lack of a better word.
> 
> ...


Well, during courtship there was definitely that sexual tension that you mention. In fact I have emails and letters that we sent weeks before our marriage what we anticipated sexually. It was if when we were officially married the sudden rush of exploring the unknown wasn't present for her. Which to me was rather disheartening. I honestly hate watching, shows, or movies with newly weds and they have that sexual passion for each other at the alter and eagerness to get busy. I am glad it worked out for you though. Thanks for the reply and everyone that does. It tends to help me gather my thoughts...


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

happiness27 said:


> I am the woman in our marriage. No partner should withhold sex from their partner in this manner. I was in a former marriage like this - to a man who didn't want to have sex with me hardly ever...and I was young, hot and in my 20s. We had three kids by then. I gave him an ultimatum: more frequent sex or I was out. Nine years of it and I was ready to be done.
> 
> To shorten the story: we divorced and I never looked back. Best decision I ever made in my life.
> 
> ...


That is what concerns me, or kind of gets under my skin. We are young; It's difficult to imagine that we are still young, and there is no passion in our sex life or sex being at rarity event. How is it I read of many women (As yourself) wanting that sexual bond and others treat it as something to shrug off. I mean what would happen if I were silent as our sex life seems to be? I would be the man that withholds then, "He needs to change". I believe it is good to change(good changes). I know life is not fair, it's just seems upside down to wait for something and it seems like I am waiting all over again. Thanks for your reply, patience, and advice...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Once a partner uses sex as a weapon it's hard to think you can change the way she views sex. 

She's using it to harm instead of to love.

Let this one go and she can be cruel to someone else.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Universal Wonder said:


> Well, during courtship there was definitely that sexual tension that you mention. In fact I have emails and letters that we sent weeks before our marriage what we anticipated sexually.


Judge by actions, not by words.

I have emails from used car salesman that state so many fake claims JUST to get the sale. After the sale they are no longer your best buddy and seem to ignore you.

Those emails mean nothing if she didn't follow through with them.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sounds like she has some serious aversion or anxiety related to the actual act then... Or she resents, dislikes, or is somehow not attracted.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> Well I enjoy a well written story _but_ that was rife with fairy tails of white knight discipline and fairy tale romance.
> 
> You now learned first hand that it's all bullsh*t... so starting today lets change your paradigm.


I can't like this post enough! Spot on, all if it. New relationship energy makes for hot sex, and women do want to be lusted over, not to have a servant. 




CatholicDad said:


> I mean, I think you can gauge if someone is attracted to you though without "going all the way".


Sure you can - but I don't think holding hands can really let you know if you are sexually compatible with someone. They never even KISSED! A kiss can tell you soo soo much. 

I have dated men that I found very attractive, and really connected with them when it came to cerebral things (super important for me when it comes to attraction) - but then came the kiss, and NOPE. Just not compatible, didn't get the usual *zing* of lust, but rather found myself not wanting any part of them physically. 

Heck, one I really liked, and tried to enjoy sex with him. He wasn't doing anything "wrong" just for some reason, I don't know, perhaps phermones, SOMETHING about him never lit my fire. I couldn't get into it, and no matter how much I "liked" him, I couldn't lust for him. 




CatholicDad said:


> What a strange story. It sounds like your wife is seriously not attracted to you in "that" way or perhaps she has some sexual abuse in her past.
> 
> Put frankly, no one should marry anyone unless you want to DO them and vice versa!


I agree with this - completely. But I think its pretty hard to judge how sexually compatible you will be with someone if you have never even kissed them - or anyone for that matter. She was, and most likely still is completely out of touch with her sexuality. 

Her sexuality has been repressed to an extreme level and she has zero experience. She probably thought she felt something she really didn't when they exchanged letters and held hands. Going from THAT to a sexually passionate relationship is a HUGE step!


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Its rather odd you almost seem to skip over the part where she had a sexual affair...Why is that?

Is it really not that big of a deal to you? I mean you spent 10 laborious paragraphs on explaining your passionless/sexless marriage but just a couple sentences on your wife having a sexual affair with another man? So she denies you sex but seems to be able to give it up to another man rather easily? What exactly are you getting from this marriage? You're not getting sex, you're not getting fidelity, you aren't even getting Suzie Homemaker. Sorry, but this woman seems selfish and disrespectful. If you can settle for that, go ahead, it won't get any better, you know that.


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Its rather odd you almost seem to skip over the part where she had a sexual affair...Why is that?
> 
> Is it really not that big of a deal to you? I mean you spent 10 laborious paragraphs on explaining your passionless/sexless marriage but just a couple sentences on your wife having a sexual affair with another man? So she denies you sex but seems to be able to give it up to another man rather easily? What exactly are you getting from this marriage? You're not getting sex, you're not getting fidelity, you aren't even getting Suzie Homemaker. Sorry, but this woman seems selfish and disrespectful. If you can settle for that, go ahead, it won't get any better, you know that.


She never had a an affair, but it was the other man's wife that did.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Just to clarify, the other man's wife had an affair on him and he was trying to return the favor?


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

Tron said:


> Just to clarify, the other man's wife had an affair on him and he was trying to return the favor?


Basically, his intentions backfired on him.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Do you think she would have cheated if you hadn't intervened...or do you think she was just lapping up the sexual tension?


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Do you think she would have cheated if you hadn't intervened...or do you think she was just lapping up the sexual tension?


She has known him years before we were together, he lives about 7 hours away. Anything is possible over time. The Unknown can never be answered.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you think this won't change are you prepared to divorce her?

Have you told her things will change or you will divorce her?

Nothing changes when nothing changes.


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## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> If you think this won't change are you prepared to divorce her?
> 
> Have you told her things will change or you will divorce her?
> 
> Nothing changes when nothing changes.


 I agree, change has to start somewhere. I haven't brought up divorce, though it may cross my mind.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Seems like she has energy to spend on another man but not you.

If she's unwilling to put 150% of her energy into you - then divorce her immediately.


Life is too short to sit idly begging someone to love you.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Universal Wonder said:


> Well, this may take a moment to explain what I would consider a sexless marriage. I may be convinced that maybe I have just been unwanted. Sense the topic is about a sexless marriage(mine); one can safely assume to over generalize or to stereotype that I am a ruthless, emotionless, selfish, degenerate male(husband) that only and always thinks about sex. Granted this is not the case; let me explain in the best way that I can help one(you) understand my current dilemma.
> 
> I would like to begin with a little bit about myself to help give you an understanding or background; if you may, of who I am and where I am coming from. Kind of like the genesis of every super hero story in a comic book or grand theatrical release. Let's face it, with this day and age a majority of people know who the Avengers of Justice League are. By no means am I referring to myself as a super hero; far from it. This may seem more like a Disney type fairytale in the beginning. I digress, let me begin.
> I was raised with a religious background and a fine tuned moral compass. I learned through my peers and their many mistakes to travel down the straight and narrow. I decided I would rather skip the adolescent juvenile behavior of sex, drugs, and Rock n' Roll for a more sound/rewarding future. So, I purposed in my heart and vowed a vow that I would remain celibate and keep my lips from the pleasures of another until marriage. By no means was it an easy task; nor did I compromise because of that hidden belief that I clung to, "If I was willing to wait for marriage, that someone else out there may have that same hidden vow of vows". By no means was I unattractive, but have had many advances, yet remained faithful to my vow and never had a, "girlfriend" per say, but just girls that were friends. Please try not to miss read this and assume that I was pompous; but I did have that pride and commitment to my personal beliefs. Then I met her.
> ...


Sounds familiar. Minus the craigslist, her EA, etc...I sent you a DM. And just guessing, you are soo "Nice" its a turnoff. Read the No More Mr. Nice Guy. Then read the Married Man's Guide to Sex. Then....figure out your own life, appearance, friends, etc...you will not change her. You can change yourself. That much I have learned.


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