# Slowly ruining things....



## WickedDragon (Feb 20, 2011)

I have posted about this before and need to post again. My husband's depression is slowly killing our marriage. He refuses to seek help as he doesn't believe in therapy or counseling. His depression meds no longer work and states that the only thing that makes him happy is money. 

I find all of this very sad. We haven't even been married a year yet and so much of his baggage creeps ups into everyday life. I'm getting to tired of it. I know the vows I took, but I don't feel equipped to handle his issues, especially when he refusing to seek help. 

What do I do with someone who lives in a constant state of depression and anxiety, yet won't seek any help? I'm to the point that just being with him is beginning to bring me down as well. The energy he emits is not good. If someone out there has some advice, I would love to hear it. I need all the help I can get.

Thank you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

FWIW almost all SSRIs conk out and have to be switched up for a new one after a time. I am on my 8th after discarding 2 tricyclics and 2 tetracyclics. I would also warn you that even when they conk out the still have severe withdrawl symptoms so it is difficult to stop cold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iwin (Jul 4, 2011)

It hasn't been a year! Run while you can. If it doesn't work in the first year, it never will. The longer you are in the marriage the more you are signing up to this life style. Pack and leave. There are people who will live with him and be happy with it


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If he's not willing to get help, then your best bet is to get out now. I have depression and anxiety, too. It does get worse as time passes without treatment. I do take meds for mine and I feel so much better. But without treatment, it just continues to spiral downwards and as magnoliagal said, eventually he'll blame you. He won't necessarily blame you because he really thinks it's your fault, but because he won't be able to remember when or how the depression started, and since he'll be unhappy with you as a result of the depression, he'll just assume that means it's your fault. 

Getting out now is going to be the best thing you can do.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> As the one who was depressed I say RUN since it's only been a year. My husband stuck it out (he shouldn't have) and it's taken me over a decade to heal. And there is no guarantee your husband will ever come around. I'm one of only a few in my big, toxic, dysfunctional family that managed to get it together. I did it with therapy and lots and lots of hard work.
> 
> Trust me when I say this gets way worse. Before long he will blame you for his depression.


Normally I'm all for saving a marriage, I'm deep into one and dealing with a newly diagnosed husband, but at least he got help, granted he went for me but he got referred out and that's what counts but we are separated on docs orders and it's going to be awhile and it's financial hell but we have a child so that makes a huge difference. I can honestly say if not for our child, I would have filed because I grew up with this behavior thanks to an alcoholic parent and now it's in my marriage. I love who he was but he is a different man. 

Is there anyone in the family you can speak with and find out exactly how long this has been going on? You need some insight and it's possible even if you are catholic or religious the marriage could be annulled within a year if you weren't fully aware of how deep the issue is, but that means you need to get moving on it.

I have a friend who married a guy who seemed like the greatest, then he got really mean and abusive to her son from a previous marriage and charged all of her cards for "household repairs" and she found out he was manic depressive and as long as he was on meds he was ok, but like most mentally ill, he went off and on as he felt he needed. She might have stayed married if she could get him back on his meds and didn't have a kid, but she wasn't risking the exposure of her son to abuse by a step dad and ended up divorcing him. They have an amicable relationship and the divorce was fairly easy as he was back on his meds by the time it was final, but check your state laws as well because mental illness can mess with the process if he contests in some states, just an FYI.

You can still love him but you don't have to be subjected to this at this stage, it will only get worse. Perhaps if your state has a legal separation you can go that route (our's does not) and give it some time to let the emotions and everything else run their course.

Trust the quote, we didn't realize my husband was struggling with this for several years I thought he was becomming bastard, however apparently I am to blame for everything in his life and he's made it his mission to tell everyone every negative thoughts, so you have a reputation to think of. He told his family I ran us in debt, killed our sex life, am drug addicted and of course they believe him. He too is obsessed with money, always was, abnormally, but now I've learned it's because it was the one tangible concrete thing in his life he could feel in control of, see daily interest, debits, credits, etc, everything else..there wasn't control. Then, when you think things are going smoothly and he's at the house more, and life seems normal for a few days, he will take something I said or did, or shared because things seem normal, and totally twist it and become so mean, and well, evil it scares me and I won't let him move back. I'll stand by him, but not in the same house. Just had a weekend that way so I really know what I'm talking about, I'm mentally exhausted.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

You can't have a marriage if he is not willing to get help of any kind. He has more than I had when going through clinical depression, a partner who was willing to suggest and encourage counseling and meds. That is loving on your part. You would be surprised how many spouses are not that supportive. 

I would give an ultimatum, counseling or separation.


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