# Toxic "feelings"



## Nikki1970 (6 mo ago)

So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


You are married now? And entertaining the contact from your ex?

The answer is the same either way.

Run.

Do not have contact with ex's. Ex's are ex's for a reason.
He left you once, he'll leave you again. Welcome to being a Plan B.

If you are a married woman now, then this should be a no-brainer.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


This is on social media, so block him... Easy peasey. You shouldn't even be thinking about this. 

Do you have minor children and need to have contact? If not, have you told him in no uncertain terms to knock it off? Does your current husband know?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


Just block him. Why make it difficult?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why did you accept his social media contact in the first place ? Talking to him … that’s on you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You seem to love the attention otherwise you would block him.
Why is this?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you don’t block him, he’ll keep pushing and you could easily end up doing something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


You need advice on how to deal with this, really...?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


Block him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


Block him. He hasn't changed. He's still just trying to juggle women. I don't know why you're even responding at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is pretty easy


> So I am a married woman of 13 years


Read that again.

Read that again.

BLOCK HIM, or you may find yourself a twice divorced women.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just block. He hasn’t changed. I marvel at how narcissists can never be alone for a minute.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If some part of you wasn't also viewing him as the one that got away, you wouldn't even be entertaining this nonsense.

You are one or two passive steps from blowing up your life. The only thing required to see that to fruition is to continue to do nothing to stop his advances. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nikki1970 said:


> He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away.


And I bet that your husband would love to read these statements from your ex. And I bet he would be trilled to learn that you are letting the POS ex to get to your ears.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

So this guy is a liar and a cheat? Is that how you want to be viewed? That's what's going to happen if this contact continues.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Just gonna sit back and eat my popcorn....


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘I’m not sure I believe a word out of his mouth’ is not the same as ‘I know he’s a liar’.

Some part of you is leaning towards wanting him back. You are living in hope that everything he says is true. I mean sure, you probably were the one that got away, but you know that anyway, right? Why doesn’t he need to confirm it?

So he’s in trouble and needs a roof over his head soon. That’s got to be rough, he’s messed up again and needs to say what he needs to say to get a warm bed and his clothes washed

Now you haven’t said if you had kids together, in which case, I understand you need to have contact.

No kids?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am not sure why you need to ask, just block his account and then tell your husband what he has been doing so there are no secrets. Even if you weren't married he is a liar and a cheat and now you are married he is trying to break the marriage up. What an awful man.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Would you let your husband read those text and your response? Yeah…..that’s exactly what I thought.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

EVERYONE knows how to block people. She’s loves the attention. Makes her feel relevant.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

So you are now one of the women he is cheating with . You should send a copies of what he is saying to his wife if not you are the same as the women he cheated on you with , By chatting him in this way you have become equal partner in cheating on his wife and on your husband , the next step is to sleep with him 
but if you are hosting any feelings for him it is the same as sleeping with him as you are steeping out of your marriage


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Are these toxic feelings mentioned in your title, your ex's feelings or your feelings? Are you not blocking him because you feel something for him? Because that would have been the easiest solution that I can't believe you wouldn't have thought of.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> So you are now one of the women he is cheating with . You should send a copies of what he is saying to his wife if not you are the same as the women he cheated on you with , By chatting him in this way you have become equal partner in cheating on his wife and on your husband , the next step is to sleep with him
> but if you are hosting any feelings for him it is the same as sleeping with him as you are steeping out of your marriage


The guy is already getting a divorce, so not much point in telling his wife.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Just gonna sit back and eat my popcorn....


Yep. Many popcorn-worthy threads here this summer ...😁


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The guy is already getting a divorce, so not much point in telling his wife.


you have to be honest to his wife , He has told her that they are getting a divorce but she said she has not seen any thing on record and from experience she does not trust him 


Nikki1970 said:


> Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record.


but not reporting this to his wife she is parting in the cheating


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


I think you are secretly getting a thrill out of this. I a person doesn't want contact from another, it is really very simple. Block him on everything, social media, phone etc. if he persists, then tell your husband, this will keep you accountable. You are playing with fire.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The guy is already getting a divorce, so not much point in telling his wife.


That what HE says, maybe he is lying


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

aine said:


> That what HE says, maybe he is lying


After all we know he us a liar.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

It seems kind of unanimous on this thread....


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about





She'sStillGotIt said:


> Just gonna sit back and eat my popcorn....


Same 🍿


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> It seems kind of unanimous on this thread....


Yes glaringly obvious what to do. If an ex contacted me the first thing I would do is tell Mr D. The second thing is block them and if he was a past cheat and liar I would thank God that I wasn't married to him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


Tell your hubby and block him, or else you are disrespecting your marriage. If that does not work, change phone #.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

By your own words, this has been going on for some time. If you were not wanting the contact, you would have already blocked him. By you continuing, you are being unfaithful to your marriage. If you really wanted it to stop you would have already told hubby. If my wife was getting these calls and I found out she had not told me, I would be royally pissed at her. If you block and he persisted, restraining order would be simple solution, or even police report for harassment.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> It seems kind of unanimous on this thread....


Exactly, which is why it seems odd the OP would ask this question in the first place. Anyone on SM knows you can easily block someone, yet she is "at her wits end" because he contacts her everyday .

I think OP is a hit and run anyway.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Do not have contact with ex's. Ex's are ex's for a reason.
> Welcome to being a Plan B.


There is another aspect of this you should consider. My wife maintains contact with her ex. I know she doesn't "cheat".... but it makes me feel like "plan B". I understand the reason he is an "ex". She would have preferred to marry him, but he was irresponsible, had undependable income and forced her to be the primary breadwinner. No matter what she says, I know what I know from her actions. She retired nearly 6 years ago and except for her social security, I am the SOLE breadwinner and she has no financial problems. 



Luckylucky said:


> Some part of you is leaning towards wanting him back.


Exactly. I am a pack mule. I know that. If that's what you want your husband to know, then keep on contacting.


Cut your ex off. Completely and utterly and immediately. Have NO CONTACT. That is, if you want your husband and your marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TJW said:


> There is another aspect of this you should consider. My wife maintains contact with her ex. I know she doesn't "cheat".... but it makes me feel like "plan B". I understand the reason he is an "ex". She would have preferred to marry him, but he was irresponsible, had undependable income and forced her to be the primary breadwinner. No matter what she says, I know what I know from her actions. She retired nearly 6 years ago and except for her social security, I am the SOLE breadwinner and she has no financial problems.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


At the risk of TJ, are you not able to ask you wife to stop contact with her ex?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> At the risk of TJ, are you not able to ask you wife to stop contact with her ex?


Or demand it?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just block him. Why make it difficult?


^^^^THIS^^^^

Why are you making this more difficult than it has to be. If I was your husband I would be PI$$ED off if I knew you were conversing with him. Especially after what he put you through. 

Sounds like you need to WAKE UP!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Me suspects the OP's real question here is, "how do I get him to be nicer and treat me better this time?"


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Nikki1970 said:


> So I am a married woman of 13 years. My ex of about 20 years, who is now separated from his wife, is messaging me on social media. During our relationship he lied and cheated several times. Ultimately he left me for the woman he married. They recently had a domestic incident in which he told me he moved out. I'm not sure I believe a word out of his mouth. Says he's getting divorced, but I can't find anything on record. He is now telling me he still loves me and I'm the one that got away. He says he doesn't want to disrespect my marriage, but that's exactly what he's doing. He contacts me every day. I'm about at my wits end. Help!!


Do you have kids together?

If not... I would kindly and calmly explain to him that you're over him and your previous relationship, and that you no longer wish to have contact with him, then I would block him in every possible way.

If you do share kids... I would kindly and calmy explain to him that you're over him and your previous relationship, and that he needs to concentrate on being there for your children, and nothing more. You may have to spell out that you're not interested in him any longer.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Me suspects the OP's real question here is, "how do I get him to be nicer and treat me better this time?"


I almost wondered the same... in between everything written, what was the REAL question/concern?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Me suspects the OP's real question here is, "how do I get him to be nicer and treat me better this time?"


Me suspects one hit wonder by a teenager at best.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Do you have kids together?
> 
> If not... I would kindly and calmly explain to him that you're over him and your previous relationship, and that you no longer wish to have contact with him, then I would block him in every possible way.
> 
> If you do share kids... I would kindly and calmy explain to him that you're over him and your previous relationship, and that he needs to concentrate on being there for your children, and nothing more. You may have to spell out that you're not interested in him any longer.


That's a whole lotta talk'n for someone that supposedly doesn't want to strike up another relationship. 

The problem here is she IS talking and interacting with him. As long as she responds and continues the interaction, then he is still in the ballgame. 

The quickest and most efficient means of shutting someone down is not to respond AT ALL. 

Since we are not supposed to call out suspected trolls, if we are to assume this story is even real, then this is not a case of the OP actually wondering what she should do to get the ex off her back - she already knows how (ie not respond to him)
If this is real, I think here actual question here is how to transform the ex so that she can get back with him as she is still obviously emotionally invested in him......otherwise she would not be interacting with him. 

If she wants any advice here, it is how to get back with him but have him somehow not be a lier and a cheater and a nogoodnik.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> That's a whole lotta talk'n for someone that supposedly doesn't want to strike up another relationship.
> 
> The problem here is she IS talking and interacting with him. As long as she responds and continues the interaction, then he is still in the ballgame.
> 
> The quickest and most efficient means of shutting someone down is not to respond AT ALL.


Oh, I agree with the fact that she shouldn't be responding at all, and am wondering if her husband knows about this. However, having that conversation doesn't have to be long: "Hey Bob, I know we have a past, but I've moved on and am happy. Please stop contacting me, I'm not interested." And then you hang up.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> That's a whole lotta talk'n for someone that supposedly doesn't want to strike up another relationship.
> 
> The problem here is she IS talking and interacting with him. As long as she responds and continues the interaction, then he is still in the ballgame.
> 
> ...


you think this is made up?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> you think this is made up?


Doesn't matter if it's made up or not. The basic truth of the matter is the quickest and most efficient way to shut something down is to not respond to it at all. 

The fact that she keeps interacting with him and talking to him, encourages and emboldens him to keep trying to get in her knickers.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

And she doesn't recognize that the REAL truth of this is that what she is doing is every bit as bad as if he were getting in her knickers, that although she may be not letting him in her knickers (not yet), it either already is, or will become, the reason her husband can't get in her knickers. It will be described as every ******** reason known to man, but her husband will KNOW that her ex and her desire for him is the REAL REASON.

He will become another of us who sacrificed his life for a woman who wants somebody else.


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