# Sex after affair



## Just a guy

I've lurked around as a guest for several weeks, hoping to find a post similiar to my situation. 

Background, long time married with kids, life got in the way of our marriage relationship..we both had other hobbies, interests, she dedicated herself to kids, kids were always around..sleeping in our bed, etc. Somewhere we just settled into a groove I provided the bulk of the income, she handled domestic stuff and kids....we both neglected each other in and out of the bedroom. When we had sex, it was occasionally pretty good but most of the time just OK, and I almost always had to initiate. I didn't feel that she was attracted to me, she felt the same vibe from me. 

Fast forward to a year ago, I ended up involved with a woman and had an affair, my wife found out, I ended the affair and we have been going through counseling and I think doing very well considering. 

Now to the question. Have any of you experienced the loyal spouse having an increased sexual desire toward you after the affair? We have gone from being a 3-4 time per month couple to 4-5 times per week. Lubrication was always a must for her before, yet is hardly ever needed now. She never seemed to like oral sex, yet can't seem to get enough of giving or receiving now. And the biggest thing, she initiates...and occasionally talks dirty in bed. I admit it....I don't get it. Is this her way of coping? Is it possible she really does desire me more?

I've read the comments about manning up, and will admit I probably seemed like a bit of a nice guy. She never worried that I was checking out another woman, seemed to think I had a low sex drive (just wasn't going to beg a woman that didn't seem that attracted to me). Now I've admitted to what turns me on, the reasons I've occasionally looked at porn, she found emails to the other woman and saw that I have an inner bad boy in me. So....thoughts?

BTW, would not recommend anyone having an affair hoping for the above results. The hurt I caused, humiliation for both of us, and the loss of trust are not worth what I seem to have gained. Thanks in advance for any and all responses.


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## MEM2020

JaG,
Great post. This is not "that" unusual. A lot of times "fear" produces a lot of "obligatory" sex. But just as often it produces excitement and genuine passion. 

Don't kid yourself at some level she is feeling fear. That doesn't make you the bad guy. Roller coasters and horror movies are a big business. Go look at the demographics. Lots of women like those things. 

There is "bad" fear and "good" fear. If I ever, ever hit my W in anger it would be over. 21 years down the drain in a moment. And I view that as a very positive thing. I have zero desire to do that even when really angry. 

That said, in "bed" it seems that me being rough, aggressive and edgy is often better for her. Much better. I don't think she is that unusual. FYI: The bedroom stuff is not a matter of me getting "her" used to it. She taught me that stuff. 

And you know I totally get why you kind of let things get so infrequent. A gentle suggestion for you. You are taking ownership of the affair. Don't let you/her rewrite history as to what preceded the affair. Her lack of desire for you was very likely a lack of desire caused by some behavioral dynamic. But that dynamic was NOT your lack of desire for her. Not saying you need to force that conversation with her. Just saying that this game of "well I thought YOU weren't interested" is the standard distortion used by a LD spouse who had a frustrated but quietly accepting HD partner. 

If you look back in time you will likely be able to perceive the pattern. She radiated a subtle but persistent "please don't" vibe. And you mostly followed that cue. When you got a green light you went for it. Or when you just got edgy from a week of no sex you went for it. 

The most important thing is that her "near death" experience - well ok - "near divorce" - woke her up to the fact that she wants a happy stable marriage. 



Just a guy said:


> I've lurked around as a guest for several weeks, hoping to find a post similiar to my situation.
> 
> Background, long time married with kids, life got in the way of our marriage relationship..we both had other hobbies, interests, she dedicated herself to kids, kids were always around..sleeping in our bed, etc. Somewhere we just settled into a groove I provided the bulk of the income, she handled domestic stuff and kids....we both neglected each other in and out of the bedroom. When we had sex, it was occasionally pretty good but most of the time just OK, and I almost always had to initiate. I didn't feel that she was attracted to me, she felt the same vibe from me.
> 
> Fast forward to a year ago, I ended up involved with a woman and had an affair, my wife found out, I ended the affair and we have been going through counseling and I think doing very well considering.
> 
> Now to the question. Have any of you experienced the loyal spouse having an increased sexual desire toward you after the affair? We have gone from being a 3-4 time per month couple to 4-5 times per week. Lubrication was always a must for her before, yet is hardly ever needed now. She never seemed to like oral sex, yet can't seem to get enough of giving or receiving now. And the biggest thing, she initiates...and occasionally talks dirty in bed. I admit it....I don't get it. Is this her way of coping? Is it possible she really does desire me more?
> 
> I've read the comments about manning up, and will admit I probably seemed like a bit of a nice guy. She never worried that I was checking out another woman, seemed to think I had a low sex drive (just wasn't going to beg a woman that didn't seem that attracted to me). Now I've admitted to what turns me on, the reasons I've occasionally looked at porn, she found emails to the other woman and saw that I have an inner bad boy in me. So....thoughts?
> 
> BTW, would not recommend anyone having an affair hoping for the above results. The hurt I caused, humiliation for both of us, and the loss of trust are not worth what I seem to have gained. Thanks in advance for any and all responses.


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## Just a guy

Mem, thanks for your reply. I am very aware there is fear involved and for the most part believe her increased desire is genuine, but also worry that some of it is obilgatory. 

I think we have both been able to look back and see where and when this pattern developed.....although I'm sure we both still have somewhat different views. Unfortunately it was very early in the marriage when the urge to have kids and then wrap her world around them was so great. 

Thanks again for your response!


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## MEM2020

Well - you are welcome to benefit from my painful personal experience. If I had a time machine this is what I would do differently. 

On the nights where I had serious doubt about what she "wanted" I would start with foreplay and pay attention. If it seemed like she wasn't quite getting hot I would give her a long soft kiss - full eye contact and a smile and say "to be continued tomorrow". And then she could drive. If she insisted she wanted to proceed - fine. But I would expect her to respond with "are you sure"? And I would just nod. 

BUT I would only do that because my W does/did respect me and my needs and absolutely made a good faith effort to keep me "satisfied". I just know that there were some nights where she did not warm up and it felt bad (not neutral - bad) for her - but she didn't feel comfortable telling me because she felt it was mean to do that. That said - I do not think that this scenario is ok if you are keeping your partners nerves rubbed raw by starving them on frequency. 

And I "know that" because one night - recently she told me so. I just felt sad. A HD/LD dynamic is sometimes fraught.....



Just a guy said:


> Mem, thanks for your reply. I am very aware there is fear involved and for the most part believe her increased desire is genuine, but also worry that some of it is obilgatory.
> 
> I think we have both been able to look back and see where and when this pattern developed.....although I'm sure we both still have somewhat different views. Unfortunately it was very early in the marriage when the urge to have kids and then wrap her world around them was so great.
> 
> Thanks again for your response!


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## Saffron

From what I've read (don't remember which book) hypersexuality is sometimes common while dealing with an affair. Must say that's kind of true in our case. I'm the LS and find myself wanting physical interaction even more than before the A and we were already 2-3 times a week previously.

Anyway, I don't feel like I'm being driven by fear. I'd say it's a combination of things. First of all, talking about an affair usually involves talking about sex. So, I find myself thinking about sex more often. Plus, being intimate helps to layer new memories over the toxic thoughts I sometimes get thinking of him with someone else.

Then there's always the, "I want what's mine" mentality. Someone else had my husband, but she didn't get to keep him. I think it's pretty common for a woman to want her man more when she knows someone else wanted him, regardless of whether or not there was an affair. I always wanted my husband, but now it's like something a little primal took over and wants to stake it's claim again. It makes me feel rather pleased knowing I can have him whenever I want and she can't.

That's what seems to be going on in my head. My friends would probably be appalled knowing we are having sex only 6 weeks from d-day, but why should I deny myself something I want? He wants it too by the way.  

Side note, we did wait until recently to resume intimacy. My husband was concerned that we should wait longer, saying he didn't deserve to have sex with me. I felt if that's the case, then the OW was preventing us from being intimate and I didn't want her to have that power. If we don't have sex, it'll because we're not in the mood, not because of his affair.


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## Catherine602

MEM11363 said:


> Well - you are welcome to benefit from my painful personal experience. If I had a time machine this is what I would do differently.
> 
> On the nights where I had serious doubt about what she "wanted" I would start with foreplay and pay attention. If it seemed like she wasn't quite getting hot I would give her a long soft kiss - full eye contact and a smile and say "to be continued tomorrow". And then she could drive. If she insisted she wanted to proceed - fine. But I would expect her to respond with "are you sure"? And I would just nod.
> 
> BUT I would only do that because my W does/did respect me and my needs and absolutely made a good faith effort to keep me "satisfied". I just know that there were some nights where she did not warm up and it felt bad (not neutral - bad) for her - but she didn't feel comfortable telling me because she felt it was mean to do that. That said - I do not think that this scenario is ok if you are keeping your partners nerves rubbed raw by starving them on frequency.
> 
> And I "know that" because one night - recently she told me so. I just felt sad. A HD/LD dynamic is sometimes fraught.....


MEM can you explain more what you mean. I am LD and my husband is high drive and he has to warm me up when I am not thinking about sex. Most of the great majority, 90%, of the time I am able to get aroused and ready to go no problem. 

Sometimes though I have a hard time getting aroused and still go ahead anyway. It sometimes goes OK because I like being close and affectionate but on rare occasions I am just not feeling it, even the affection. My husband gets quiet and slightly distant when this happens. 

I don't say any thing just try to be affectionate till next time. Not spoken to him about what happens because I don't know how. Do you have any advice for me, I don't know why it happens, I am not any more stressed than usual and our relationship has never been better. 

Sorry JAG , not on topic but I could not help asking when I saw MEM post.


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## curious1

Saffron,
Thanks for your feedback as I am having the same experience as Just a Guy. After my A, I was out of the house for a week while we both decided what we wanted to do. We have been married for over 20 years and just seem to have drifted apart. She was always tired and never really interested. After reading the book, "too good to leave and too bad to stay", I decided I wanted to stay and put all of my energy toward my wife. I started texting and we re-connected right away. Now, I have to pinch myself, is this really happening. We are having more fun then ever. The love making has been non-stop and she can't get enough of me. Now she is buying sexy clothes and showing me her seductive cleavage. It is like she has come out of her shell. Where has she been all these years? I am so happy that I didn't let her go.


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## Saffron

Happy to hear it's going well Riderrt! I think my husband is kind of feeling like you, wondering if the marriage can really be better after the A.

My response... I hope so! Yes, I still have bad days and wish he never had the A, but our marriage was on a course that wouldn't have survived long term. Now we have counseling that helps us address the issues that led to his affair and help us each understand what needs to happen to make our marriage last. Not just last, but be fulfilling.

Enjoy the good days and be there for her during the bad.


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## curious1

Thanks for your response. Our therapist believes that our marriage needed to be shaken up and while i wish it didn't happen this way, we have been shaken up big time. What is remarkable is that we both could have thrown in the towel. In fact, I didn't know what to expect and wondered if we could make it work. Now it feels like when we were first dating. It sad that we have lost all this time and let ourselves drift apart. I don't know your H's story but I was missing the attention, appreciation and intimacy. I hope we have all learned a lesson and can keep the spark alive for many years to come.


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## thetwoofus

hi
im the husband on the recieving end of an affair.
My wife had an affair 10months into our marriage(we were together 6years before marriage). I found out 10 years and 5 kids later due to a slip up on her befalf. I feel this a unique situation but its working for us. We are only 2 months into the rebuilding but l must say the sex has been amazing! Sometimes l feel gee why has it changed considering the last ten years has been the average married (but put 5 kids in there). We now have a far more open relationship in the bedroom its like nothing is locked up no more.
Of course the affair hurt me like hell but l do believe in a weird kind of way taken us to the next level

so in summary all is not lost infact far from it


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## valeriedp

I know from my experience, once I found out my husband was having an affair, I wanted sex all the time. Not so much out of love. It was all fear based. I juste felt/feel like if we have sex all the time, I will wear him out, and he can't have a sexual affiar. It also was a confirmation to me that he still cared.


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## triton1984

JAG, Much of your post is similiar to my situation especially when things between us are going well. When we have had a few rough days like the last few though I find it hard to approach her....find myself withdrawing into a shell of guilt and depression....which only complicates things because she seems to have the same thing going on that Valeriedp mentions....sex...regardless of what is going on seems to make her feel better about us, unfortunately I don't do so well at having sex when we are argueing and things just get worse. Valeriedp sounds like she could be my wife in this post.....


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## valeriedp

Triton- you sound just like my husband!!! then it's really bad if he is not in the mood because I take it way to personally, and it starts a HUGE fight and leaves me in tears.


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## triton1984

Valeriedp - My wife would have never been in the mood before if we had a fight, and I'm not sure she is now, but sex comforts her fears. I try to explain that a man's equipment doesn't always operate so well under those circumstances.....and honestly at those points I don't feel close to her. I need to feel close for there to be sex


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## seeking sanity

It's called hysterical bonding - it happens quite often after affairs, sort of make up sex on steroids. It also almost always passes and what emerges is a long period of mourning and malaise on the part of the betrayed spouse. That stage is called the plain of lethal flatness.

Enjoy it well it lasts. You have an opportunity to build more intimacy with your wife. However it involves disclosure, transparency, willingness to talk about the affair as much and as often as she needs, and ongoing, consistent loving acts to reassure her.

Right now she may be giving you a lot, but don't be surprised is one day she realizes how much you hurt her and the sex ends. Particularly if you've been coasting in your responsibility to help her heal.


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## seeking sanity

Respectfully to MEM - I'd be cautious of any alpha male, 'manning up' advice right now. You hurt her and acted like a coward and douce by cheating. Your job is fix that as best you can.

Any implication to your wife she somehow deserved it is evil and serves your own guilt not her healing. 

Most betrayed spouses eventually come to the realization that they don't NEED their spouses. It takes a while but the veil of romantic love is lifted. Many of us choose to stay, but life has a different filter after it. Once she realizes she doesn't need you, then you lose much of your leverage.


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## Just a guy

seeking sanity said:


> Respectfully to MEM - I'd be cautious of any alpha male, 'manning up' advice right now. You hurt her and acted like a coward and douce by cheating. Your job is fix that as best you can.
> 
> Any implication to your wife she somehow deserved it is evil and serves your own guilt not her healing.
> 
> Most betrayed spouses eventually come to the realization that they don't NEED their spouses. It takes a while but the veil of romantic love is lifted. Many of us choose to stay, but life has a different filter after it. Once she realizes she doesn't need you, then you lose much of your leverage.


Seeking Sanity, I've read your response several times and had a few different reactions. Basically my feeling after reading your posts would be pretty bleak, had I not seen other post from people with a real experience in healing and rebuilding the relationship.

I do not for a minute feel I have any leverage over her and realize that life will have a different filter after this, but I have to say (without reading any of the rest of your story) that I feel sorry for you and your wife from the tone of your response. 

Yes, what I did was wrong and to use your words it was also cowardly. I think Mem was just pointing out that marriages don't get to this point because of one person normally. I have a right to expect more from marriage than what I had.....or what you so dismally project I may end up with, but nothing my wife did or did not do prior to my cheating deserved my treatment of her or trashing of our vows.


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## seeking sanity

Just a guy, save your pity please. You can choose to discredit my point of view or not, it doesn't really matter to me. 

Other than the affair, what specifically have you changed about yourself that has created more sexual attraction from your wife?

If the answer is nothing, then quite likely you are experiencing hysterical bonding, which is temporary and more about her response to the infidelity then anything you are doing. If you've "manned up" and become more honest, direct, alpha, started leading not reacting, then maybe it's the new you that has her so excited.

What I've seen is that spouses who skip the step of truly helping their spouse to heal through full disclosure, sincere amends and through working through the details of the affair to the satisfaction of their spouse, mistake sex for healing. And the relationship eventually levels off to a place that is worse than where it started.

But hey, what do I know right.


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## Just a guy

What have I done? 

I have sincerely asked for her forgiveness, am continually remorseful, being attentive, answering any question she might have about the affair, opening up email, FB, my cell phone and computer to her inspection, regular counseling, dating her, basically spending every waking hour except for work time with her, reassuring her that I love her on those tough days. The affair has caused much discussion, and like someone said much of that has been about sex. I have been direct with my needs sexually, emotionally, and in other aspects of our home life. It has been much harder to get her to open up about her unmet needs though.


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## curious1

To "Just a Guy", I feel like we are on a parallel track. It feel good to be there for her.


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## bluesky

It will stop, and it will likely be worse than before your affair.

Then, you will have to work hard to build it back to an acceptable level for the both of you,


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## twotimeloser

Just a note here...


Have your ead the 5 love languages book? she may be a "physical touch" person.

Basic outline... people recieve love differently.. 
Example.. you might do the dishes, clean the house and fix the sink. that might mean "i love you" from you, but to her it is not recieved that way. She may just think you are doing what you should as a hubby. 

Thats is what is called "acts of service" love.. you know when a person says " cant you tell i love you by all i do for you?" 

Then there is a physical touch person... a person who needs sex, hugs, a tender hand on the leg or a back rub... to feel loved.. you know, a physical connection to feel loved.

Also a gifts person.. "cant you tell i love you by the things i give you?"

additionally there are people who need quality time.. " i take time to spend with you, doesnt that show you i love you?" 

And last there is the "words of affirmation" person.. " i say i love you all the time, dont you feel it?"

Well here is the deal... we speak LOVE in one way, but not always in the same way that our spouse speaks it. while you think that acts of service means love, she thinks physical touch means love... and since you speak your own language... she never gets the meaning. likewise you dont understand her style of love giving or recieving.

What I am getting at is simple.. Yes there is increased sexuality after an affair.. some of that has to do with validation. "do you still want me" and you can satisfy that by really giving her an agressive romp in the sack... showing desire.

BUT.... if it seems more than just that... she may be a physical touch person on top of that... which means nookie around clock. litterly. You have to be careful not to over saturate that... it is a delicate balance.

Go get the book... believe me, onceyou understand what yours andhers are.. Languages that is... You guys will be communicating like you share the same darn brain. Its great... 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.


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## seeking sanity

Couple things:

- I'm glad you are being stand up. I know it's easy to feel discouraged especially by blunt posters like me. I'm not trying to be a d*ck or make you feel bad, I just have an honesty at all costs life philosophy. It is important you seek the truth in this situation for both your and your wife's long term happiness.



Just a guy said:


> What have I done?
> 
> I have sincerely asked for her forgiveness, am continually remorseful, being attentive, answering any question she might have about the affair, opening up email, FB, my cell phone and computer to her inspection, regular counseling, dating her, basically spending every waking hour except for work time with her, reassuring her that I love her on those tough days. The affair has caused much discussion, and like someone said much of that has been about sex. I have been direct with my needs sexually, emotionally, and in other aspects of our home life. It has been much harder to get her to open up about her unmet needs though.


- Those are all good things. Keep asking her what she needs to heal. Keep pursuing, and validating. She may not be willing to ask for what she needs because she's scared of rejection, or it's a test to see if you "really" are remorseful. 

- Love languages is a great book to read. Another is Not Just Friends, which deals with affairs and the aftermath. If you bought both books and shared with her what you are learning from them, it would demonstrate a proactive desire to make things right.


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## mommy2

Just a guy said:


> I've lurked around as a guest for several weeks, hoping to find a post similiar to my situation.
> 
> Background, long time married with kids, life got in the way of our marriage relationship..we both had other hobbies, interests, she dedicated herself to kids, kids were always around..sleeping in our bed, etc. Somewhere we just settled into a groove I provided the bulk of the income, she handled domestic stuff and kids....we both neglected each other in and out of the bedroom. When we had sex, it was occasionally pretty good but most of the time just OK, and I almost always had to initiate. I didn't feel that she was attracted to me, she felt the same vibe from me.
> 
> Fast forward to a year ago, I ended up involved with a woman and had an affair, my wife found out, I ended the affair and we have been going through counseling and I think doing very well considering.
> 
> Now to the question. Have any of you experienced the loyal spouse having an increased sexual desire toward you after the affair? We have gone from being a 3-4 time per month couple to 4-5 times per week. Lubrication was always a must for her before, yet is hardly ever needed now. She never seemed to like oral sex, yet can't seem to get enough of giving or receiving now. And the biggest thing, she initiates...and occasionally talks dirty in bed. I admit it....I don't get it. Is this her way of coping? Is it possible she really does desire me more?
> 
> I've read the comments about manning up, and will admit I probably seemed like a bit of a nice guy. She never worried that I was checking out another woman, seemed to think I had a low sex drive (just wasn't going to beg a woman that didn't seem that attracted to me). Now I've admitted to what turns me on, the reasons I've occasionally looked at porn, she found emails to the other woman and saw that I have an inner bad boy in me. So....thoughts?
> 
> BTW, would not recommend anyone having an affair hoping for the above results. The hurt I caused, humiliation for both of us, and the loss of trust are not worth what I seem to have gained. Thanks in advance for any and all responses.


I had to reread your post a couple times as it sounded like my H! But I you mention sex 3-4 times a month prior to A and sadly, that wasn't the case here. MUCH less! 

Yes, in fact the minute he got home after telling me of the A, (he told me over the phone) I grabbed him, hugged him and kissed him. Really kissed him, more than I had done in months. He pulled away, he was blown away - wasn't sure where that was coming from. I am not sure either. I think as someone else put it - it was a primal instinct. Like he was mine. We did alot of talking that day, more than we had in years and agreed to try to make it work. Well that evening we had amazing sex. The intimate kind. (sex was always good between us, when we had it) I mean there were alot of tears, hard to imagine him being with someone else, etc. And then we continued to have sex like crazy teenagers! I remember having sex 14 times that first week!! 2-3 times a day! It was like we were both starved for each other. We continued to have lots of sex for quite a while. I couldn't get enough of him. It's like a cloak was removed. I was so resentful and angry with him for many things prior to the A, that he no longer seemed attractive to me at times. But then, I guess when I realized, if I wasn't going to want him, others would, well he is so sexy in my eyes again. I know that sounds bad. He's a good looking guy but resentment can cloud one's perception.

We are 16 months Post A and unfortunately it's not THAT often anymore! We are both working alot more hours so with that and kids, etc. It's just not logistically possible! BUT the difference is we are affectionate with one another still. If we can't have sex, we are sure to let the other know that they are loved and wish we could.

Like your situation and many others, we grew apart. Sex was non existent but so was other forms of intimacy and affection. Hopefully we've learned our lessons and we will never get to that point in our marriage again. Ever. Our marriage is better since the A but I still wish it would have never happened. For us, the OW & OW's H were friends so we lost friendships as well. 

I appreciate reading that as good as your marriage is now, that the A wasn't worth what you've gained. I hope my H feels the same way. There are times when I think man, it really worked out well for him! He got his wife back, a great marriage, a great sex life AND he got away with an A and breaking our vows.


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## curious1

Mommy2
It is great to hear the thoughts from a woman on the other side. I have had the same experience as "just a guy" and your H. For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I was feeling even more guilty that I had to have EA for my marriage to get better. We are just over 5 weeks from when she found out and our marriage is better than ever. There has only been a couple of days that we haven't made love. she is into me like I have never felt before. 

I thought that when she found out it was over and at that point, I was ready to go. I held on because she really loved me. She was extremely distraught but she told me that while she didn't know what she was going to do, she really loved me. As I have written earlier, I decided I need to save my marriage and didn't know what it was going to entail and had know idea how she was going to react. Essentially, I poured all the energy that had been going outside toward her. I looked at her with a different eye. We have both made an incredible effort to pay attention to each other and it has made a world of difference. It scares me to think, that I could have walked away.

I realize that the sex will not continue at this pace but it is wonderful to feel so in touch with her. It is like she has come out her shell. We talk often how she loves the feelings of being noticed and how she missed me for the longest time.

Once again, I could have never imagined this scenario and wish it didn't have to come to this but we are both grateful that we have this opportunity.


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## twotimeloser

mommy2 said:


> There are times when I think man, it really worked out well for him! He got his wife back, a great marriage, a great sex life AND he got away with an A and breaking our vows.


We could have a whole thread on just that phrase.

Affairs create inadequacy in the FS, therefore we strive to prove our adequecy. In doing so, we cater to there needs, like sucking up to a boss. We tend to do things that benefit them. 

I have a less common of form of recieving forgiveness called "restitution" For someone to apologize to me, payment must made. A letter, or righting the wrong... not money, lol. Some people must be shown thatthe apology is sincere, others need for the offender to take responsibility. It varies by person.

Point is.. Unless the offending spouse works as hard as you do for healing... the victim is always at the short end of the stick.


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## curious1

Twotimeloser

I completely understand and I can assure you I am remorseful for my behavior and doing my best to more than meet the needs of my wife.


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## mommy2

TwoTimeLoser - 

I agree but can attest that my H has shown his sincerity and continues to do so. I can see he is definitely trying to "make it up to me" for lack of a better word. He helps me out much more with house and kids. (could still do more LOL but better than he was) There are many other things that he is doing that he is showing me. 

I know he is sorry and regretful. He has told me many times, if he could take it all back, he would. But he can't. So, instead he just has to be the best husband he can be going forward. So far, he's doing well! :smthumbup:


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## Saffron

Must say it took me a few weeks to even kiss my husband after his A. Resuming our sexual initmacy was a slow build and I was very specific in stating with what I felt comfortable. Even now that we both can't seem to get enough of each other, I still take a moment to make sure it's what I want.

I do find that I desire my husband most when we've spent a lot of time together either talking, going on an outing, or even doing chores together. That feeling of togetherness was lacking before, so it just adds to the sexual attraction I've always felt for him.

I'm sure I'll have moments where the memory and bad feelings of the A will keep me from wanting my spouse sexually. However, I hope with his continued commitment to my happiness and our marriage, those moments will be few and far between.


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## twotimeloser

mommy2 said:


> TwoTimeLoser -
> 
> I agree but can attest that my H has shown his sincerity and continues to do so. I can see he is definitely trying to "make it up to me" for lack of a better word. He helps me out much more with house and kids. (could still do more LOL but better than he was) There are many other things that he is doing that he is showing me.
> 
> I know he is sorry and regretful. He has told me many times, if he could take it all back, he would. But he can't. So, instead he just has to be the best husband he can be going forward. So far, he's doing well! :smthumbup:


That is a really good sign!


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## Songbird

I'm new on here, but am so glad I found this topic.

It's been 6 weeks since I found out my H of 22 years was having an affair for a little over a year. We have 3 boys (18, 15 & 4) and I am just over 5 weeks pregnant with our little girl (just turned 40 by-the-way). Emotionally, I'm off the charts. I'm getting better...I can go an entire day without crying. H has a very repentant heart, and I do love him very much, so we're working on saving our marriage. I'm still working toward the forgiveness part of this crushing devastation, but I have questions about sex/romance after the A.

Within a week of finding out, I went out of town to visit my mother for 12 days...by myself...no kids. During that time, I thought about him sexually...a lot, not out of fear or claiming my man (I don't think), but out of genuine attraction and missing our love making, which was amazing. Though in our 22 years we had our ups and downs with frequency in our sex life, when we made love, it was great for both of us. That being said, we still have not made love since learning of the A. Since I've been back in town, when I'm with him, I feel intimate with him (perhaps due to our in-depth emotional conversations), and I feel sexual and like I want to make love to him. But I feel both guilty, like I shouldn't want to make love yet; that it's too soon, and I feel scared; scared of the flood of emotions that are sure to come and that I don't think I can handle. I'm sure it is compounded with the fact that the pregnancy certainly makes me feel more sexual. 

I also do feel like we should not make love until I truly, TRULY forgive him, and I haven't yet. I know I need to (realizing that it doesn't mean I am saying "it's okay"), but I'm really struggling with that. I'm praying it comes soon, for my own sake. But as for the sexual part of it, I guess I was looking for a text-book answer to "HOW SOON AFTER AN AFFAIR DO COUPLES MAKE LOVE?" and as I read these posts, I see it is SO individual and so not text-book.

Also, as I read I am encouraged. Yet, still confused and scared.

Any thoughts?


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## tess80

I would like some advice also on the above. I finally confronted my H 2 days ago about the affair and we talked, but he wanted to "make love" to me that evening. I said I wasn't ready as he didn't say he had ended the affair or said that he wanted to make our marriage work and now he has started to get distant again. At this point, he hasn't re-committed to the marriage, but not sure that I made the right choice?


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## Bigwayneo

Saffron said:


> From what I've read (don't remember which book) hypersexuality is sometimes common while dealing with an affair. Must say that's kind of true in our case. I'm the LS and find myself wanting physical interaction even more than before the A and we were already 2-3 times a week previously.
> 
> Anyway, I don't feel like I'm being driven by fear. I'd say it's a combination of things. First of all, talking about an affair usually involves talking about sex. So, I find myself thinking about sex more often. Plus, being intimate helps to layer new memories over the toxic thoughts I sometimes get thinking of him with someone else.
> 
> Then there's always the, "I want what's mine" mentality. Someone else had my husband, but she didn't get to keep him. I think it's pretty common for a woman to want her man more when she knows someone else wanted him, regardless of whether or not there was an affair. I always wanted my husband, but now it's like something a little primal took over and wants to stake it's claim again. It makes me feel rather pleased knowing I can have him whenever I want and she can't.
> 
> That's what seems to be going on in my head. My friends would probably be appalled knowing we are having sex only 6 weeks from d-day, but why should I deny myself something I want? He wants it too by the way.
> 
> Side note, we did wait until recently to resume intimacy. My husband was concerned that we should wait longer, saying he didn't deserve to have sex with me. I felt if that's the case, then the OW was preventing us from being intimate and I didn't want her to have that power. If we don't have sex, it'll because we're not in the mood, not because of his affair.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans

After my H and I confessed our affairs, we had some of the most amazing sex in our entire 7 yr relationship. I have no idea why that is but it was definitely...crazy.


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## curious1

It has been almost 12 weeks since my W found out about my affair. she took my daughter and left the house for a week. We communicated often during the week and I read the book "too good to leave and too bad to stay". btw, this was a great book as it helped me decide what direction I wanted to go. I decided that my relationship was "too good to leave", so I put all of my energy into making things right. 

In addition, through MC, she better understood the little things every day that would drive me crazy and what we both wanted in our relationship. Our MC was great and said that our marriage needed to be shaken up and while this wasn't the ideal, this is an opportunity for a new beginning.

My W stayed out of the house for a week. the night before she returned she came over to watch tv with me. There were a couple of hot sex scenes, (not porn). Before the show was over, we were all over each other on the couch. (never anywhere but the bedroom). It was incredible as is all this pent up frustration was let go.

She came home the next day but I stayed in the extra bedroom for another week. It was like we started dating again. We looked at each other differently and we have made very passionate love almost every day. This has continued for almost 12 weeks. While not every day, I would say at least 5 days a week. I have never felt more connected to my wife ever. It is like she has come out of her shell.

I posted several weeks ago for some suggestions for porn that was geared to woman but the best response was from Athol. He suggested "the better sex" video series from the sinclair institute. Keep in mind that my W has never seen porn. This was such a good idea. The video is almost like a how to to for better sex. I have seen a lot of porn but this was very specific, loving and offered great ideas and techniques to enhance your lovemaking.

So in conclusion, my suggestion is the the faster that you can develop the intimacy after an affair the better your marriage can be. I thought I was going to be in the dog house for a long time and I know that would have made me resentful. There are still moments of sadness and she will never forget but we are better able to talk. She knows that I am sorry for my behavior. It was wrong but she also understands that this did not happen in a vacuum. I was weak for my behavior but we were growing apart and neither of us was making the effort to make it better.

In fact, I was always afraid of counseling as I feared that the outcome would be to split up. I am grateful that I trusted the process and that we could build on the foundation of over 20 years of marriage and two wonderful children.


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## Chris Taylor

About a month after my wife found out about my affair we resumed having sex.

In the preceding five years, we had sex maybe 8 times... missionary, 20-minutes. 

After the affair for about two months, it was every day, sometimes 2x per day, every position, 60-minute sessions.

Why? Did my wife think that not being interested in sex was the cause of my affair? Was she using sex to make sure I didn't leave?

What made a woman go from not being interested in sex throughout our marriage to acting like a teenager?

I honestly don't know the answer.


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## Jellybeans

^ I can't imagine having sex only 8 times in 5 yrs.


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## Runs like Dog

I understand all of this. I hear what people say. But as one half of a 'married' couple (legally speaking) who hasn't had sex in almost 20 years, I would probably go on a rampage if my wife came to me one day and told she'd been having sex with someone else. And as far as ever having sex with her again after that, even if that was in the cards, I can't help thinking.....well the hell with that broken down used car.


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## Jellybeans

Runs, pardon my invasiveness, but are you happy w/ no sex? At our 'sex life worst', my stbx and I had sex 2x a week and that was considered "not a lot."

What do you guys consider a "sexless" marriage? I know it varies from couple to couple.


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## Runs like Dog

No of course not. You may not believe me though that after such a long time I no longer care. I figure my own desire is maybe 1% of what it once was. To me, sex is like wondering what being able to fly like a bird is. It's just an abstraction. The first time we went to MC we were in our 20's and our first born was a toddler. I mentioned at that point we hadn't had sex in about 2 years and the therapist looked shocked. And other than having 3 more kids it only went downhill from there. I think not having sex is relevant if it's a change. For us there's never been a change. Apart from conceiving 4 kids intentionally, I'd have say my wife and I had sex maybe a dozen times in more than 30 years. And all of that was in the first 10 years. So it's not as if I'm actually missing something, in that sense. I don't care anymore, haven't for a long time. That's what I mean when I say I'm ruined for any normal adult relationship. I honestly don't know what one is and could never be successful at one. 

And lets define our terms, shall we? It's not a 'need'. Oxygen, food, water and not freezing to death or getting shot, are 'needs'. It's a desire.


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## 20matc11

Not sure if this is off topic to put this here but based on some reply perhaps not. Married three years...sex before marriage and the first year was great. Stress from both our jobs slowed it somewhat but apparently she got tired of curbing her frustration and had an affair that went from emotional to physical, while she would often slap my hand away and tell me she was tired if I tried to initiate. 
She told me not really because she felt guilty but because she wanted to use the trump card to end all trump cards during an argument. (in may of 2010) 
Anyway, about a month after she told me, things had improved and I thought the sex was getting better for her as she seemed satisfied more often, and I thought she stopped flirting with the OM, then in October of last year I found she sent another picture of her in her underwear to this guy and honestly I havent had any sexual attraction to her since then. I have tried and we have talked about it, but Im not sure if it will come back after all that has happened.


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## Blake

Over the past 4 months my relationship with my wife had gone from bad to worse. She didnt seem there anymore, way too much time at work, and always gone on buisness trips. Found some emails and texts to a old friend from her past, which lead to other things. In short, I caught her having an affair with another man. I cant explain the pain I have been in, but I think most you know where I am at. We are going to counseling and she has made a 180 degree turn. Sex is at an all time high and she seems to be a very different person. She says she will spend the rest of her life making it up to me, however the trust I had for her is gone, but I am willing to work on it.

Yes, sex and desire has improved since the affair, but the trust is out the window. My suggestion to all of those thinking about an affair would be to communicate with your spouse, marriage counseling, and put yourself in their shoes...

Good Luck.


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## karma45

I am the FW, My sex drive went through the roof after I found out two weeks ago. My body is acting completely different then my head and my heart. I cant make sense of it. It does bother me the next day. Most days and nights I just sit and cry my eyes out, I feel betrayed and sad lost and disgusted.

My many theories go like this - the hightened sex drive is because I have nothing left to lose, the relationship is doomed and better to have sex with the devil I know then the devil I dont. I cant go out and get with a stranger or anyone else because I am not wired that way. So I may as well get what I want from CH. 

2 -Its also because he is no longer that angry piece of **** he has been, he is now a loving attentive husband of course, so I want to be with him. Gone are the annoying habits and things that piss me off, and in front of me is a showered well behaved man that listens and talks to me and that says loves me. Plays with the kids and does little things like helps in the kitchen, once he even noticed I didnt have my own towel in the bathroom so he bought it up for me. Heck he even hugs me in bed now and in front of the kids. So even when there is no sex involved he will hold me and tell me he loves me. He doesnt yell at me when my idea's for something are a little off the wall, and when I am at my worst moments he notices and gets the kids attention until I am okay.

3- I refuse to let the CH and OW dictate my entire life for me. I will do what I want when I want with my own CH.

4- Reclaim what is supposed to be mine, like a dog on a fence so to speak. ( No I didnt pee on him ) I thought about it  but I didnt do it.

5- When I have done nothing wrong why should I give up my own sexual urges just because I married and CH. I know what I want and need so I took it.

Alway after sex and the next day I think how lucky he is, I ask him if he thinks he got to have his cake and eat it too.. I wonder if I am somehow sending signals that its okay to cheat. Sometimes I actually feel sick afterwards, and have a bath and scrub everything away, then there is that feeling of hightened euphoria you get from having sex.. and its just that, its just sex, there is no making love, there isnt a twinkle in my eye, my heart is not in it at all, its just meaningless sex with a man I am married too, so yes a lot of times I cry afterwards while he sleeps and I am curled up in a ball wondering what the hell did I just give him.. Did I sell my soul to the devil? 

So I told him, how I feel, and I made myself clear that at this point I am only using him for sex until I can work out what I want next for myself and the rest of my life. 

I hope this makes sense... its only been 16 days since I found out and I am yet to work things out for myself.


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