# I dont get it



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Bear with me here...

I try to keep the sex frequency steady in my marriage. TRY is the operative word.

I am not on any BC, my drive fluctuates pretty wildly (yet, predictably) thru my cycle. I can easily desire sex 3+ times a day for that one week, to having to write myself a post-it note to remember to go home and do my husband when I am at the end of my cycle.

90% of the time, I keep things stable for his sake, about 2-3 times a week. (We have small children at home that make it more difficult.)

But every so often when a perfect storm of stress or illness hits my life, I literally forget about sex. Not for very long - longest ever was 2 weeks - but what happens is I feel guilty for not doing it. I don't really know why - because my H never, ever initiates. Ever. It's all me. I have never gotten to the point where I waited long enough without doing it myself to see when he would step up to the plate.

However, he will make passive aggressive comments that show me he is obviously thinking about it. When we have an argument over something unrelated he might say "Well, its not like you ever have sex with me." He loved to throw his little digs at me, and to be honest the PA **** really turns me off and takes me awhile to get over.

Anyway right now is one of those rare 2 week stretches. I have had 2 solid bad weeks in a high stress job and fighting a horrible IBS flare (prob stress related). I lost track of when the last time we had sex was but I know its creeping up on the 2 week mark. I was trying to be playful with H tonight and say "how long has it been since we've...you know...wink wink, jab jab" in a playful and suggestive way.

His response - oh I don't know, I guess a couple days? Hasn't felt like that long.

And that just killed the mood for me. He must not be wanting it too badly with that comment (he knows it's been longer than a couple days). That comment coupled with the fact that he never initiates just made me lose the mood completely.

Bah. I hate having to shoulder this responsibility sometimes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I really learn a lot here. For one, every man isn't the same. I will never understand a man who tells his wife he doesn't want sex or a man who doesn't initiate. 

These men also NEVER show up on these forums to defend themselves. Can we get a few opinions from men who would rather NOT have sex or prefer to wait two weeks for sex because they do not want to initiate?


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I just can't imagine it.... The only thing I can say in those situations is that he must be meeting his needs in other ways- porn and masturbation for example.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I never initiate but only cause i know what the answer will be.

NO


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Yeah, I don't get it either (no pun intended!)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Thanks for your post Kag123. This somewhat rings a bell for me as a man, mostly relating your fluctuations around your cycle.

In my marriage to my ex-wife, there was a stretch of time, roughly two years, where she had the fluctuations you describe. She would be in the mood about every second day for a week, then the next three weeks, nothing. Literally, do not lay a hand on me sort of attitude. After paying attention, I learned it was based around her cycle.

I'm not sure what kind of man your husband is, but for myself, I reverted inward, took it personally and eventually stopped asking as well. I knew during that one week, she would be agressive so I didn't have to even try. Just walk through the door and it'd be available. I also knew though that even the mention of the concept of sex the other three weeks or so was taboo, and was likely to cause a difficult evening as she had no interest and would tell me so.

So I stopped asking, and I know I became resentful. I viewed myself as just a piece of meat to get off on during that one week, and someone not loved/respected overall. As a result, I know for a while I resorted to the PA comments as well. Not really a "oh well, you don't ever have sex with me anyways" comment, but usually I'd vent my frustration about something else, such as housework, kids, etc. It was often sexual frustration related though, looking at it in hindsight.

Once again, I'm not saying this has anything to do with your husband, but if your drive fluctuates wildly, as you stated, depending on your cycle, maybe DH has just gotten to the point of not asking, figuring you'll ask when you are interested and any effort on his part is likely to result in a 'No."

It sounds like he has it better than I did, sex was not 2-3 times a week in my case and two week stretches were not 'rare', three week stretches were standard for me. Also, it seems you are willing to talk about the subject, something I wasn't permitted to do. So kudos to you on that. 

From your post, it doesn't seem as though you have tried to actually talk to him about this. I'd suggest telling him that you want to have a sex talk, and that you want him to make a list of the good and bad in your sex life. Then you do the same and a few days later, preferably when you have some alone time and won't be disturbed, sit down and talk about it. Expect a list that is 90% complaints from him. If the PA stuff is related to sexual frustration, that's what will be on his mind and that's what will spill onto the paper. Listen and be open and honest. Try and work through it. Make sure to put on your list that you'd like him to ask more. Be prepared though that if you want him to ask more, you'll most need to say yes a lot, at least at first. If you want to build in him that trust to ask, he needs a success rate of some sort that looks appealing. In my current relationship, we went through a rough stretch of about two years where we didn't have sex as often as I'd like. One day my STBW asked why I didn't ask her anymore, and I told her that I was getting "shotdown" so often I didn't see the point. That took her abaack, but it made her realize how often she had said no and things improved a lot after that. If you want him to ask, he'll need success so be sure to say yes when the offer presents itself.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I can totally relate to you. I've found that I'm WAY more into sex when I'm at or near ovulation. At other times, I have to work a lot harder to get myself in the mood. I also have four little kids at home and I'm just exhausted and want my space in the evening most of the time. Not to mention that I have trouble climaxing.

BUT I've found that if I do neglect our sex life, everything in our relationship suffers. My husband is just a much happier man when he gets regular sex. So if this means that I have to work harder to get in the mood, it is worth it to me. I have to admit that I've resented feeling like I HAVE to have sex, but I think I'm moving past that. Maybe he is not really initiating because he knows you're really not in the mood? I would make sure you enthusiastically initiate some, and then let him know that you would like him to take the lead at other times. Does he not give you any subtle clues (besides outright asking for it) that he wants sex?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I try to keep the sex frequency steady in my marriage. TRY is the operative word....
> 
> ....my drive fluctuates pretty wildly (yet, predictably) thru my cycle. I can easily desire sex 3+ times a day for that one week, to having to write myself a post-it note to remember to go home and do my husband when I am at the end of my cycle.


Just a random thought: Do you think there might be a discernible difference between the two extremes?

--Not trying to excuse bad behavior, but I can see how a man could get into a rut here.

I've fallen into the "I don't really need to initiate when she obviously wants it and don't really want to initiate when she obviously doesn't" pattern of behavior myself. It's hard to get out of.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> This is my husband. There was a long stretch where I ALWAYS initiated. I then used to stop, just to see if DH would notice. The most I would get would be a mention, like "It's been over a week, huh?" It got to the point where I finally had to tell him that I was starting to really believe he wasn't attracted to me. He admitted that it wasn't the case at all...but that he had gotten lazy, knowing that he didn't have to initiate because I always would. He also knew this was wrong on his part, but just got, well, lazy.
> 
> He has made an effort to improve, but it's still me that initiates most of the time. The sex is great, but it's the one thing I'd really like to change...a girl likes to be pursued sometimes  But I can totally relate, kag. Once in a while I still get a little resentful...when he hasn't started things up on his own for a long time.


Actually, this is exactly what my husband says whenever I have tried to talk about it.

He says why do I have to initiate? I know you'll come to me eventually, and when you start something, I'll know you want it. 

(Which isn't 100% true...I do initiate at times just for his benefit, to keep things "steady" as I mentioned before...just to be nice to him! But I try to make sure it doesn't come across that way...so maybe, he doesn't realize it?)

I asked him if indirectly he was saying that he was afraid of rejection - and he said "Not afraid, but why put myself out there if I don't have to?" Basically to me = he's lazy.

Also, I can count on one hand the number of times I have rejected him in the span of our entire relationship (8 years). A couple of those times I had my period (heavy day) and he wasn't aware that I did. A couple other times I was having a major IBS attack. 99.9999999% of the time I always say Yes!! Enthusiastically even. He doesn't understand that it would drive me wild to be pursued for once. And the notion that he really believes I would probably say no, quite frankly makes me angry because I am being framed for a crime that I didn't commit.

If this is really just about being lazy - ick, what a turn off!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm not saying this applies to your cases daffodilly or kag123, but I know that it can be hard for me to understand when my fiancee is in the mood. Sometimes she'll get flirty and show me some signs that maybe she's in the mood, only to find out nope, not in the mood.

There's nothing wrong with it, and I'm glad she does because she's not a tease and we have regular sex so I don't have to wait long (maybe a day or two) before we have sex. I'm just saying that as a guy who pretty much means it each and every time I get a bit flirty, that if it's hard to judge if your women is in the mood or not, sometimes you just stop tryiong and find it easier to wait until she comes asking. When you ask for sex, or 'make a move' or whatever and get turned down, it hurts a bit. Sometimes it's easier to just not risk rejection and wait for her to come after you.

Also, as another point, sometimes women's signals change I've found. My current fiancee used to mean it's go time if she would say give me a quick grab of my penis when I had pants on, like say in the kitchen or outside. That was the signal that the next time there was a free moment, head for the bedroom. Now, she still does that but doesn't always mean head for the bedroom. So instead of the confusion, many times I'll just sit back and let her inform me if she's in the mood or not.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> He has made an effort to improve, but it's still me that initiates most of the time. The sex is great, but it's the one thing I'd really like to change...a girl likes to be pursued sometimes


I hear ya. --Not necessarily applicable to the OP or yourself, but sometimes it takes two to improve. Mercy sex feels like speaking publicly in front of an audience who are all diddling with their cell phones. Who would want to initiate that? 

On the flip side of the coin, how do you initiate with a woman who throws her things on the floor and jumps you as soon as she walks through the door? :scratchhead:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> On the flip side of the coin, how do you initiate with a woman who throws her things on the floor and jumps you as soon as she walks through the door? :scratchhead:


And...maybe this is the problem? I don't know. 

I am not a subtle person. I am to the point of brutal honesty. (To be honest, trying to work on this part of myself a bit.) If I want sex, you will know it. 

And he seriously almost never turns me down. But, I still long for a time when he would initiate himself. I do try to give him the opportunity but maybe he just doesn't know what to do...I don't know.


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