# Can your spouse worsen your depression or is it truly all in my head??



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well...I've tried to take a break from coming here and feeling like woe is me all the time. I'm 40, soon 41, and should not feel this way....like I can't do anything, weak, depressed, as if I'm helpless.

Husband left town for 4 days, including Christmas. I enjoyed each and every day. It was almost like I lost 20lbs, could breath, walk tall, feel confident and good about myself. I liked having house to myself. Even cleaned and did laundry one evening until about 11PM. I'm normally in bed by 10. Had no one to worry about in way of doing and saying the right things to make him feel better and not depressed. Did not have to worry about our daughter getting on his nerves or upseting him. I truly enjoyed it. Then, he returns.

I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I'm extremely tired, don't want to get out of bed, feel like I've gained 10lbs in 1 week as all I do is eat!! I feel bored and have no energy. He came back all 'frisky' thinking 4 days away should have been enough for me to just hop back on the saddle and ride off into the sunset I guess. 

Those four days my daughter and I had a genuin good time. She didn't get into any crying fits and if she did start to whine, I calmly would speak to her that it was not necessary and she would stop. Now that daddy is back, it is very appearant the two of us together she either does not like, or with all the teasing and antagonizing he does to her she truly can only 'behave' one on one with us. She did not seem to mind at all that he was not around, especially at Christmas. Possibly that is because she knew he was coming back?

There has been so much going on and I am just to the point of simply not wanting to be married anymore. As much as that hurts him, I worry as he has displayed so much obsession lately. I'm on anti depressents and I'm staring to feel I need to request a higher dose as I feel back to where I was. 

He hasn't really said or done anything to literally upset me since he's been back yet I've put myself in this funk and hate it! Am I truly mental?

I guess his obsession and just everything in general that has transpired, when he's around it all just plays over an over in my head and I ware myself out. My SIL said to me I obviously do not want out or I would have walked and never looked back. Is it that simple? Finances come to mind first off. I can't walk out and simply have the funds to pay for a place without a game plan. My H doesn't have the financial means either. And because I feel I've grown and not willing to force my fakeness any longer, does that mean I should have no compassion for him? Maybe my compassion is more fear of what will he do with his frame of mind? He's majorly depressed and refuses medication. Says once 'I'm fixed' he will be fine. Admits he has part blame and NOW states that since I agree to go to counseling of HIS choice, he feels things will be better. 

I'm just so tired. Was I wrong to enjoy those 4 days? Should I feel 'greatful' for them and now do what he needs and wants to make this work? I'm not an uncaring person, I do not like that he's hurting but I cannot give him what he wants. I truly feel that in my heart. Not trying to be calus by any means. This goes deeper and farther back in time for me and we are just truly in two seperate areas of life. He is content and wants to just be as is. He likes just the 3 of us in our own world no outsiders, etc. His happiness is me, our dd and his work. That's all he needs and nothing else. He is an all or nothing person. Has said several times if he doesn't have me and DD together, he won't have any of it and will need to move away. I do not like he's put me above her. Right or wrong, I do not like it.

Mine is my dd and relationships. Friendships, emotional connections, etc. I like to have me time, girly time. He does not feel in a close marriage that is needed. It's been like this for years and I do not see it changing. Especially now the major religous direction he is going and wants to go. I'm not into that. Never have been. He wants me to find friends within the church, do things with his approved people. Went as far to spend money we do not have on a 4 hour spa package for me and a 'friend of my choice' as he puts it. Sad thing is, and the problem I've been having all this time, is I DO NOT have a friend of that kind to share it with! And...he knows that! We have talked several times about the female friends I have are not ones I can or would just call up and chat with or do something with. I have acquaintances. And all I've met via him over last 18yrs. Again, this is something that goes deeper and farther into my childhood/past. Something he doesn't understand. I've always had serious boyfriends growin up and they always came first. I did not have girlfriends because of it. If I didn't do something with boyfriend, I did nothing. This was something I was working on in counseling before I stopped.

Well, didn't mean to get off track. I guess I'm trying to not feel that I'm making myself crazy. I hate this feeling, yet now that I feel like this due to him being back home, I feel bad that I should have never enjoyed it. That it was my 'duty/job' as a wife to not like him gone, not enjoy my time, etc. And then our dd....well he makes me feel that too is my problem in why she acts that way when we are both together. I say, WE both contributed due to our own issues. It's a behavior she learned, she didn't just pick it up. 

Sorry if I sound completely stupid. Just need to release it all I guess.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> Had no one to worry about in way of doing and saying the right things to make him feel better and not depressed. Did not have to worry about our daughter getting on his nerves or upseting him.


You said it all right there, really. Of course you're depressed all over again when he's around. You're tired and run down with all the emotional energy it takes to maintain equilibrium for the three of you. Frankly, a medication dosage increase might help, but it sure won't solve the problem, I think you know what will solve the problem, right?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> You said it all right there, really. Of course you're depressed all over again when he's around. You're tired and run down with all the emotional energy it takes to maintain equilibrium for the three of you. Frankly, a medication dosage increase might help, but it sure won't solve the problem, I think you know what will solve the problem, right?


Yes COGypsy, I do. And I drive my self insane and make myself unhealthy trying to take that first step. So many things have been said and put out there, myself included, that I now feel I've allowed myself to be comfortable in just being unhappy. Wow...who would have thought being unhappy and lifeless would be so much easier than being happy. I know medication is not the fix, only a help in the symptom of not being so down. I do notice a difference but now 2 months in....I feel I'm starting the mental cycle with self all over and I don't like it. Bottom line, I miss my inner self, happy self, and many tell me the same. So lost....


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's not that being unhappy is easier than being happy--it's just that change is hard, I think. That's what I find anyway. You can know that there are really great things out there--but having *that* conversation and taking those first steps and dipping your toes into that pool is HARD! The details alone can be overwhelming, it's just a hard choice to make.

I think though that when you're on a host of medications purely to deal with your marriage situation, it's a pretty strong indication that it's something you've got to do. But being able to identify all of what's going on is a huge first step...the rest will come!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband and I have had some rough years recently, ever since his descent into depression. He works out of town 4 days and is home for 4 days, and in the past year, I realized that because our relationship has been so strained, I was starting to ENJOY when he was gone. Sure, my level of business was up when he was gone as I work full time and had 2 kids in the home to be 100% responsible for, but without the added emotional energy of enduring a strained marriage, it was "easier". I hated admitting that to myself and him especially. So that part, I totally understand.


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## doesntknoweverything (Jan 5, 2011)

If you can do it on your own without him, financially and emotionally, maybe you should. Give it 6 months and re-evaluate. If nothing changes then maybe see if you can come up with a plan. Don't feel guilty if you know it's the right thing to do. There are lots of options for living a happy life. I also struggle with depression, especially before marriage - but also sometimes during it. I understand, it is confusing because we wonder if our spouses are making things worse. The answer for me is he's making some things better and also some things worse. We don't have kids, so the benefits he offers truly are better than the alternative most of the time. There's no other reason for me to stay if there was no happiness at least 60% of the time. Also, life is too short to spend it with someone that makes us depressed. Do you think you would be just as depressed, or more depressed if you weren't with him? If yes, try very hard to get grounded and figure out exactly what is bothering you here.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

doesntknoweverything said:


> If you can do it on your own without him, financially and emotionally, maybe you should. Give it 6 months and re-evaluate. If nothing changes then maybe see if you can come up with a plan. Don't feel guilty if you know it's the right thing to do. There are lots of options for living a happy life. I also struggle with depression, especially before marriage - but also sometimes during it. I understand, it is confusing because we wonder if our spouses are making things worse. The answer for me is he's making some things better and also some things worse. We don't have kids, so the benefits he offers truly are better than the alternative most of the time. There's no other reason for me to stay if there was no happiness at least 60% of the time. Also, life is too short to spend it with someone that makes us depressed. Do you think you would be just as depressed, or more depressed if you weren't with him? If yes, try very hard to get grounded and figure out exactly what is bothering you here.


Thank you for posting. I can do it on my own financial. Situation being, he cannot. Well...let me explain that. We just bought new home 2 years ago. If I were to move out, he cannot stay here with payments along with other finacial cost. I could stay here IF only keeping my own personal finacial debt but due to the acrage, I cannot maintain this place on my own.

I do not feel I would be as depressed without him. Sometimes, I struggle with the depression due to the guilt that eats me up inside of how I know I've made him feel. Maybe guilt is not proper word. Sorrow? Someone once posted it's not guilt I feel it's pity. That's not righ word either. For me, if it was pity, I could walk still. 

My mom is 64 and she actually ask me a couple weeks ago if I ever thought of taking my life thinking it would be easier than hurting him by moving on for my own self happiness. That quesetion went through me like a ton of knives! I have never ever thought of taking myown life. EVER! Just made me realize even more how obviously unhappy I am that she has gone as far to think that way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The way I understand it, chronic depression is a problem of chemistry, therefore, your husband could be able to heal the sick and raise the dead but you will still occasionally feel depressed. I'm sure he could avoid some "triggers" but even if he becomes expert at avoiding triggers, you will still have bouts of depression. Depression is a disorder which, by definition, means it will adversely affect any relationship. 
My wife has BP and depression and I do try my best to avoid conflicts, triggers, and to be as supportive as humanly possible. More often than not, though, she's in a bad, dark, often hostile mood, regardless of what I do or don't do. None of her shrinks have been able to help her be happy after 40 years of trying and I'm merely a humble cop. I didn't make her depressed and I can't fix it.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Well...I've tried to take a break from coming here and feeling like woe is me all the time. I'm 40, soon 41, and should not feel this way....like I can't do anything, weak, depressed, as if I'm helpless.
> 
> Husband left town for 4 days, including Christmas. I enjoyed each and every day. It was almost like I lost 20lbs, could breath, walk tall, feel confident and good about myself. I liked having house to myself. Even cleaned and did laundry one evening until about 11PM. I'm normally in bed by 10. Had no one to worry about in way of doing and saying the right things to make him feel better and not depressed. Did not have to worry about our daughter getting on his nerves or upseting him. I truly enjoyed it. Then, he returns.
> 
> ...


This sounds similar to what my wife went through before we seperated and divorced. She started acted weird toward me and it eventually led to her being depressed. She would come in and sit around like she was in a daze. Sometimes she would go to the bedroom and cry. 

She finally said she couln't go on like this; she no longer had a desire to be around me or do anything with me. I wasn't doing anything; I wasn't abusive or cheating. In my mind, nothing was wrong, but she sure thought there was. 

She called me in a week after separation and said she felt like a person again. She felt like she could do things on her own and didn't feel stupid anymore. I assume the crying must have eased too. She said she didn't miss me at all, even after 18 years of what most would consider a good marriage. 

She gave a lot of reasons. One was that I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything anymore. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If my wife had a history of positive relationships and mine was the exception, I'd be convinced that I was the cause and could adjust my behavior somehow to alleviate her depression. Everyone in her life, past and present, gets demonized at some point, (a lot), so I have to figure it's more a manifestation of the depression.


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## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

I can relate to your feelings. My husband and I are separated but he comes by every morning to take the children to school and spends the weekends at the house. The few evenings I get him to stay away I am elated. I feel so light and happy and calm. The kids and I function better, I get more accomplished, I feel terrific. Then I go to bed and start waking up every 30 minutes or so anticipating the time he will arrive. It is killing me. I keep trying to gently extract myself from him but he is finally involved with the kids and they love having his time and attention. The problem is I don't really want him around. It is making me more confused and depressed. Thanksgiving break and Christmas break left me down, blue with an intensity I cannot describe. I understand your feelings and wish you the best with a very difficult decision ahead of you.

Take care,


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

CaliMomof3 said:


> I can relate to your feelings. My husband and I are separated but he comes by every morning to take the children to school and spends the weekends at the house. The few evenings I get him to stay away I am elated. I feel so light and happy and calm. The kids and I function better, I get more accomplished, I feel terrific. Then I go to bed and start waking up every 30 minutes or so anticipating the time he will arrive. It is killing me. I keep trying to gently extract myself from him but he is finally involved with the kids and they love having his time and attention. The problem is I don't really want him around. It is making me more confused and depressed. Thanksgiving break and Christmas break left me down, blue with an intensity I cannot describe. I understand your feelings and wish you the best with a very difficult decision ahead of you.
> 
> Take care,



Interesting, that too, is like what my wife went through, although i don't know if our situations are similar. Was your husband abusive? Why did his presence make you so uncomfortable? Is it something you can explain?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

CaliMomof3 said:


> I can relate to your feelings. My husband and I are separated but he comes by every morning to take the children to school and spends the weekends at the house. The few evenings I get him to stay away I am elated. I feel so light and happy and calm. The kids and I function better, I get more accomplished, I feel terrific. Then I go to bed and start waking up every 30 minutes or so anticipating the time he will arrive. It is killing me. I keep trying to gently extract myself from him but he is finally involved with the kids and they love having his time and attention. The problem is I don't really want him around. It is making me more confused and depressed. Thanksgiving break and Christmas break left me down, blue with an intensity I cannot describe. I understand your feelings and wish you the best with a very difficult decision ahead of you.
> 
> Take care,


Thank you. Sadly, I'm glad it's not just me (even though I know many men/women have felt this way). I just always thought once you it was over...it was over. Point blank, nothing to fret you just move on. Pfff....not how it works!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I haven't read all of the replies, but IMO, yes a spouse can worsen your depression. Especially if that person isn't supportive, or has major issues of their own that they do not know how to deal with. There are toxic people in the world and sometimes, unfortunately they are related to us or they are a spouse etc.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Hi Emotional, I finally did it this week. I am moving out and filing for divorce. I couldn't eat or sleep for a week and a half but I finally told him! I feel so much better now! 
I told him on Tuesday and everyday I feel so much better, until I have to be around him again. I haven't taken my second anti-depressant in over a week now and I still feel happier than I have in years! Part of me feels bad for hurting him but as the days go by I realize how truly unhappy I had become and how I'm looking forward to the future, without him. 
Don't give him another year of your life, we are still young and have lots ahead of us! I was scared to death to tell him but I'm so glad I did. Hang in there, think of yourself and your daughter and tell him to go. Hire a farm hand, a cute male one, to help with the chores and enjoy life again! xo


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

It's not in your head. No material possession is worth your sanity. Sell the home, split the money, and go separate ways. 

I am not a depressed person. When I was married years ago I suffered depression, it was so not like me. My then husband was abusive in every way. I hated him. I wished death on him. I left with no job, and $20 in my pocket. 

The depression left, I accomplished so much, truly amazing. I vowed to never allow a man to treat me like that again. 

You know what the answer is deep down. You have to find the reason why you feel the need to stay with this man. Then fix it.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Statistics say depressed people effect those they live with, so my question to you is did your negativity hurt your now ex husband or your children? 

Depression deals with the brain, does it change they way you view things...yes, if you are not functioning with the right balance of serotonin in the brain everything can appear an issue, to "blame" or the cause of your emotions. 

Do I believe some people can worsen depression? Absolutely! How many people do you know have had training in dealing with depression and how to handle it? It isn't easy to handle especially if the depressed one doesn't get meds, counseling and help.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

40jane;237891
Do I believe some people can worsen depression? Absolutely! How many people do you know have had training in dealing with depression and how to handle it? It isn't easy to handle especially if the depressed one doesn't get meds said:


> and if the partner refuses to have counseling as well, that also turns life to sh*t, take that from someone who almost killed himself themselves about 12 hrs ago. FWIW, I am the one on meds.


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