# I just found out :(



## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy. I just discovered this board and while I am happy to have found it, I am very sad that I had to look for it.

I confirmed suspicions today that husband cheated. He claims it was one time only. Today seems like a bad dream, with part of it playing out like a scene from Fatal Attraction. The other woman put a note on my car to tell me what was going on. I am acquainted with her so I went to her house. He was there. What was I thinking? Fast forward, she told me the reason she did it was because she tried to be friends with me and I didn't want to be friends with her. Gee, ya think?

My first reaction was to change the locks and send him packing, but I do not want to act hastily. We've been together almost 15 years, married for 8 (no kids). Both in our mid-40s, only marriage for each. Although I hate him right now, I do love him. He keeps telling me I should throw him out on the street. It's tempting. If he keeps saying it, I may acquiesce. I cannot look at him right now. 

Oh, and by the way, he has a porn addiction. I have put filters on our network to block much of it, but the internet is laden with the stuff, so it's impossible to block it all.

I needed to talk to someone, so spoke to my mother, who is a veteran of two divorces, and finally it looks like marriage #3 (22 years) is a keeper. Of course, she supports whatever I want to do, and one thing I asked is that she NOT tell my father (though divorced 35 years, they still remain amicable). I told my husband that I had told her but was not going to tell my father, and he said that he would. I came completely unglued and told him it would kill my father; I will always be his little girl. Unburdening on him would only make things harder. My step-mother would never speak to him again. Guaranteed. In case we work this out, there's no need for them to know yet.

I believe we need marriage counseling (have probably needed it for a while.) On top of this, I believe he needs help for possible bipolar/ADHD. He has agreed to go to counseling with the understanding that he must follow the counselor's advice.

If I could have found an emergency counselor today, we would have been there. 

Glad I started blood pressure meds a couple of weeks ago.

Words cannot describe what I am feeling. Betrayal, heartbreak, shock, anger, disgust, sorrow, disbelief, fear, more? More than anything, I feel broken.

Thanks for reading. It helps just to put this in words.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

My H told me that it was a one time thing also, and the OW kept coming back, and trying to cause problems between us. Usually when that happens there is a fairly long term relationship involved, and that proved to be the case with my H's A. His one time thing was actually an 8 month A. I hope that is not the case with your situation but be prepared in case it is. MC is a good start and it will likely help you both sort out your feeling about what has happened to your relationship. It's a long hard road to recovery and he will have to tell you the truth and help you heal as much as he can. Good luck to you, Hugs.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. MC is a good place to begin sorting all of this out. Is your husband remorseful? Or sorry he got caught? Did he break things off with the OW?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

2broken4words said:


> I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy. I just discovered this board and while I am happy to have found it, I am very sad that I had to look for it.
> 
> I confirmed suspicions today that husband cheated. He claims it was one time only. Today seems like a bad dream, with part of it playing out like a scene from Fatal Attraction. The other woman put a note on my car to tell me what was going on. I am acquainted with her so I went to her house. He was there. What was I thinking? Fast forward, she told me the reason she did it was because she tried to be friends with me and I didn't want to be friends with her. Gee, ya think?
> 
> ...


It sounds like he wants you to be the bad guy. Telling you to throw him out, wanting to tell your dad and stepmom so there's no turning back. Even the way you found out is suspect. Its like he did bad, and your considering forgiveness and he's putting a stop to it. Has he asked for forgiveness? Is he asking you to stay? What does he say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

@827Aug: He does seem remorseful, but won't say much. He tells me whatever he says doesn't matter since I won't believe him anyway (true to a degree). But, again, with the poor, poor pitiful me garbage.

You hit it spot on Golfergirl -- he wants me to be the bad guy. 

As for the OW and whether it was long term or one time, I am wondering if it matters and am trying to come to grips with that right now. 

I have changed the locks on the house and have told my mom and best friend who the OW is. He's known for losing his keys and I'd hate to think she helped herself to them and made a copy. She does frighten me, especially after telling me that she had "tried to be friends" with me when we first met. As if she's punishing me because I didn't want to be her friend. 

No point in him asking me to stay since it's my house -- I'm not going anywhere. I will have to think long and hard about him trying to put a stop to my forgiveness. I had not thought of that angle.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

2broken4words said:


> I will have to think long and hard about him trying to put a stop to my forgiveness. I had not thought of that angle.


curious, does any of the porn he looks at have anything to do with humiliation, bondage, rough sex, pain, etc... ?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

2 Broken,
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I imagine you would welcome being hit by a truck over the pain you are experiencing now (and sometimes you want the person in front of the truck to be your husband). It is quite possible that things will get worse (though not much) before things will get better. You think you are hurting now, but as you find out more information you will hurt even more. I would suggest to take it one day at a time.

I remember a woman I was working with who found out about the affair her husband was having the morning before our counseling session. She was an utter wreck! I saw her a few days later, and she was worse than before (because she had discovered more details about the affair). I started fearing that she would take her life as a means of ending the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. After two days of intense turmoil, she started calming down. She continued to find out more information about the affair, but she got to the point where she accepted the fact that her husband was cheating. In a matter of days, she got to the point where she didn't like the emotions she was experiencing, but did not feel like they were controlling her.

I know every situation is different, but I know that it is possible to overcome the effects of an affair. Good luck!


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> curious, does any of the porn he looks at have anything to do with humiliation, bondage, rough sex, pain, etc... ?


He likes regular women, pretty much run of the mill porn as far as I've seen.

And he finally confessed that it was more than once. Deep down, I knew that was true.

I have told him to sleep in the guest room until/if I come to terms with this. I cannot have him in our bed, sexually or otherwise. I just don't want him near me physically.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

i asked because that wouldnt be uncommon from someone that plays the martyr card like he is doing with you. Not wanting forgiveness, and the whole "poor me" thing.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> 2 Broken,
> I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I imagine you would welcome being hit by a truck over the pain you are experiencing now (and sometimes you want the person in front of the truck to be your husband). It is quite possible that things will get worse (though not much) before things will get better. You think you are hurting now, but as you find out more information you will hurt even more. I would suggest to take it one day at a time.
> 
> I remember a woman I was working with who found out about the affair her husband was having the morning before our counseling session. She was an utter wreck! I saw her a few days later, and she was worse than before (because she had discovered more details about the affair). I started fearing that she would take her life as a means of ending the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. After two days of intense turmoil, she started calming down. She continued to find out more information about the affair, but she got to the point where she accepted the fact that her husband was cheating. In a matter of days, she got to the point where she didn't like the emotions she was experiencing, but did not feel like they were controlling her.
> ...


That's great insight Brian, thank you for sharing. Especially for the part about it being possible to overcome the effects of an affair. Maybe it's too soon, but right now, I do not want my marriage to be over.

We will be going to counseling asap, and he will also be going for STD tests. 

Do you think a counselor can recommend someone to evaluate him for bipolar or do we need to find that doctor on our own?


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> i asked because that wouldnt be uncommon from someone that plays the martyr card like he is doing with you. Not wanting forgiveness, and the whole "poor me" thing.


I figure as much, but alas, he just likes old-school nekkid women.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> My H told me that it was a one time thing also, and the OW kept coming back, and trying to cause problems between us. Usually when that happens there is a fairly long term relationship involved, and that proved to be the case with my H's A. His one time thing was actually an 8 month A. I hope that is not the case with your situation but be prepared in case it is. MC is a good start and it will likely help you both sort out your feeling about what has happened to your relationship. It's a long hard road to recovery and he will have to tell you the truth and help you heal as much as he can. Good luck to you, Hugs.


Yep, after repeatedly asking him, he admitted it was more than once; actually over a year. Claims there no emotional attachment. I find that hard to believe.

If we make it through this, I do believe we'll be stronger than ever, but that's a big "if."


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

I just told him I want to be in the room when he calls her to tell her it's over. At first he said no, but I insisted and told him it's a dealbreaker.

I'm afraid that if he doesn't tell her, she'll be over here knocking on our door, or worse. I've already blocked her phone number and he's getting a new cell.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

2broken4words said:


> I just told him I want to be in the room when he calls her to tell her it's over. At first he said no, but I insisted and told him it's a dealbreaker.
> 
> I'm afraid that if he doesn't tell her, she'll be over here knocking on our door, or worse. I've already blocked her phone number and he's getting a new cell.


Does he want to stay married? Because he sure isn't acting like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

He insists he wants to be married. Said if he didn't, he would have been gone by now. Time will tell. All of this has taken place in the past 8 hours. 

Am I deluding myself by thinking changing his phone # is a good start? He suggested it immediately. And now he gets why I need to hear him break it off.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

2broken4words said:


> He insists he wants to be married. Said if he didn't, he would have been gone by now. Time will tell. All of this has taken place in the past 8 hours.
> 
> Am I deluding myself by thinking changing his phone # is a good start? He suggested it immediately. And now he gets why I need to hear him break it off.


There is a whole area in here that deals with ending an affair, no contact letters, transparency etc. Remember pay attention to actions on his part not his words. Something on his behaviour doesn't sit right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That woman sounds a bit nuts.
I would apply for a restraining order.
Do you still have the note?
If you can get your H to also send her a letter or email of no contact that can be used too as supporting paperwork, along with a signed affidavit on the application form of what she said to you about why she did this (and of course, she did not do it on her own, but obviously your H has some serious issues what with being so pliable).

Ugh.
Sorry you have to deal with this.
BTDT.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Make sure the new phone number is blocked as in doesn't display on caller id.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I just told him I want to be in the room when he calls her to tell her it's over. At first he said no, but I insisted and told him it's a dealbreaker.


Your wasting your time having the call. He will tell her afterwards he did this to appease you. 

The following are the steps.

He hand writes a no contact letter that you approve and post recorded mail. example inserted below

He changes all his phone numbers and mail addresses

He gives you full transparency of all passwords, movements , moneys spent etc. 



> Dear [put name here],
> 
> The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.
> 
> ...


If after this she contacts your husband you lay a harassment charge against her.

Additional links that may help you 
Affair Care: An Example of a Consequences/No Contact Letter

and


Articles


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Side note on the blocked phone number, if he ever texts her, she will have the number. Blocking only works for calls.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

Texting is already blocked. We went through his cell acct and had him identify all the calls. I entered her work, home, and fax on block list. He uses cell for work so cannot block new number. 

I have always had all of his email passwords; they don't need technology as she lives a mere mile away. I read on another post about a VAR but have not been able to decipher the acronym. 

He suggested getting a phone that allows me to track his whereabouts with GPS. 

Have been researching local law; will try for injunction of harrassment against OW. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A VAR is a voice activated recorder.
A restraining order is if you can produce evidence of her threatening you , a harrasment order is if she continues to contact you or your husband after being explicitly asked not to, hence the hand written note sent recorded mail, you can send it via email in parallel to ensure she has multiple copies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> A VAR is a voice activated recorder.
> A restraining order is if you can produce evidence of her threatening you , a harrasment order is if she continues to contact you or your husband after being explicitly asked not to, hence the hand written note sent recorded mail, you can send it via email in parallel to ensure she has multiple copies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the details. So much to learn when I am not thinking too clearly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Registered return receipt requested is the correct term for the post office. That way she has to sign for it and have proof she got it. After that it's easy to get harassment order. You can block her number for both texts and calls with att. Any iphone will allow you to use find my iphone to see his location. You can also read deleted texts after each time it's synced with your computer. Google read deleted texts iphone textpad


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

I just read an email OW sent to DS last night:

"You blocked my phone numbers....baaaaadddddddd move."

Brilliantly signed with all of her contact info and her business info.

I printed it and forwarded to my own email.


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## ocngirl (May 21, 2011)

If your husband is threating to tell your father, my question is why does he feel the need. There is something up with that. He is saying you should kick him out? If he feels that way, he should leave on his own. Its almost like he is putting the pressure on you like its your fault. If he feels that guilty he should take responsibility and leave. As far as counseling, he should go for Bi-polar; there is medication for that also. ADHD has medicaiton not necessarily counseling. The porn addiction should definately be counseled. I wish you the best.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

ocngirl said:


> If your husband is threating to tell your father, my question is why does he feel the need. There is something up with that. He is saying you should kick him out? If he feels that way, he should leave on his own. Its almost like he is putting the pressure on you like its your fault. If he feels that guilty he should take responsibility and leave. As far as counseling, he should go for Bi-polar; there is medication for that also. ADHD has medicaiton not necessarily counseling. The porn addiction should definately be counseled. I wish you the best.


He said he thought I would want my father to know and that I'd want him to be the one to tell him. 

I am not sure where to start: doctor first or marriage counseling first, or both immediately?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have your husband write the mail today and you post it tomorrow thereafter send a mail as a follow up use the same email address she is mailing you on. If she responds in any way lay a charge be proactive and hire an hour or so of a lawyers time to draft the official complaint, doing this is being proactive and is in readiness for her continued possibly malicious contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

QUOTE=2broken4words;352498]I just read an email OW sent to DS last night:

"You blocked my phone numbers....baaaaadddddddd move."

Brilliantly signed with all of her contact info and her business info.

I printed it and forwarded to my own email.[/QUOTE]


Creepy 

Edited to add her not you!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

bunny boiler :s


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

EXACTLY. I am not the crazy one here.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Broken, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's pretty new for me, too, & it effing sucks. I suggest you read, read, & then read some more. Marriage Builders is a very good site w/tons of info. I wish I would have started researching infidelity & everything that comes w/it when I first found out my H had a "friend" he was talking to. I would have handled things a lot differently. @ the very least, I would have been able to deal w/the emotional roller coaster a little better, rather than feeling like I was just along for the ride- w/out a seat belt & hanging on for dear life. My H moved out a little over a month ago. He stays w/the OW a lot but still insists she has nothing to do w/him no longer wanting to be w/me (yeah right).

I have read that when your DS breaks off the A, it should be done via email, letter, etc. It shouldn't be in person or over the phone. The BS should read & approve it before it's sent.

Good luck & lots of light to you.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Duh- I just saw where others said to write a letter instead of him making a phone call. Good advice


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

PartlyCloudy said:


> Duh- I just saw where others said to write a letter instead of him making a phone call. Good advice


Oh, yes, it will be hand written and I will be the one to mail it. He's going to email the same thing to her for good measure.

I am having serious doubts about this working out.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

She just came by the house. I happened to go out to the garage and when I opened the door, I saw her pulling up to our driveway. I called inside to my husband and she got out of her car carrying a tennis racquet (his). She dropped it in the bed of his truck. He told her it was over and to get out of here. 

He's writing the letter right now. I will send in the morning.

She is very, very scary.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

findingmyway said:


> If it means anything at all,
> 
> I can fully understand his statement that he has no emotional attachment to her. For me, it was just extra sex and the thrill of the chase to some extent. That's how I always handled it.
> 
> ...


Thank you findingmyway. This actually helps a lot as that's what he keeps saying. I may find in a few days/weeks/months that it has been foolish of me to want to work this out, but for now, I want to try.


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## 2broken4words (Jun 19, 2011)

Am I still in shock? I found out 3 days ago, and while it still hurts like heck to think of it, I'm not a burning pit of anger and rage like I was. Just doing something (making appointments, etc.) has helped a lot -- just stewing in it was not working.

I am grateful to have people who care enough to let me verbally vomit all of this to them, so until I have my first IC session, I've been able to vent and cry until my eyes are chapped.

Lots and lots of work to be done (H had first IC today, mine later this week -- therapist wanted to see him first). When I gave the therapist the short version when making the appt, she was silent at the end, then followed up with, "Wow." Yeah, and she hasn't heard half of it yet.

The PSYCHO OW (I have another name for her, not suitable for this site) made her teenage daughter call H before we had a chance to change his number. He didn't recognize the number so let it go to voice mail. This fool made her own child call and beg a married man to call her mom back.  WTF?!

H not only shattered our lives, but this is also a huge expense and nuisance. We've alerted our closest neighbors to watch for her vehicles. We've installed cameras on the house, changed locks (never know if she might have stolen a key), and added an alarm system. Not to mention the cost of psych treatment, medical exams, and all the therapy to come...

Every time I open a door, I look for her. Everywhere I go, I watch for her. She lives nearby, so could shop where I shop, etc.

I spoke to a police officer, and due to the OW's instability and potential for violence, he recommended against sending a letter. I still had H write it, he doesn't know it hasn't been sent. Heading to the courthouse tomorrow for RO. OW has posts on her FB from earlier this month saying how crazy she's been since she stopped her meds (who posts shxt like that?!). She also posted that she was wondering if she'd always be single. I printed every bit of it.

H knows the OW's ex. Ex has been in the picture on-again, off-again. I asked if the ex would be a threat, and H said the ex thinks OW is the devil incarnate.

I am sleeping with a Louisville Slugger next to the bed for good measure, and making H sleep in room closest to the street.


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