# Is it true that one always loves more than the other in a relationship?



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I hope I'm not starting something that's already been discussed. I'm sorry if I didn't notice.
My husband has been saying that there is always one that loves more. In our relationship he says it is him. For years he has been making comments like he wishes I thought of him as dangerous or that I would show some jealousy. I never really understood this. How can one be sure how much love they feel for another? We express things in different ways don't we? As far as jealousy goes, don't men hate women who are that insecure? I always tell him that I trust him because I love him and I'm not going to live my life fearing that he's going to have an affair. I'm just not built this way. I want happiness is all. The thing is, I've noticed him acting differently these days. It's almost as if he's doing things to get a reaction from me. I have to admit that I am bothered by this because I've never felt threatened in any way before. He's doing things to rock the boat so to speak. Should I be showing jealousy every now and then? Don't get me wrong, I would be jealous if he crossed the line but he is a handsome man and women are going to look at him and flirt but so what? He's mine. If he chooses to cross this line then too bad for him. My anger would be quite fierce. So why push it? I am very affectionate but I'm also my own person and I'm not clingy. What is it that a husband wants? :scratchhead:


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

He sounds a bit immature to me popcorn. You should kindly let him know he needs to grow up. There are ebbs and flows to a relationship and there are plenty of times when one spouse is doing the heavy lifting. This is fine as long as perspective can be maintained and that it does not become one sided.

The whole jealously game? Seriously? Middle school stuff in my book.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Ok, that's a good answer. I'm still a little worried though. Maybe it's some kind of middle age crisis? Wish I could read his thoughts.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I just did a little research on this and learned that it's true one always loves more and it's best if it's the man versus the woman. Come on, how can this ever be justified or proven??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that it's normal for one spouse to love the other more all the time through all of the marriage. I do think that feelings in marriage ebb and flow. Sometimes one might feel the love more than the other.

Your husband's statements about him loving you more sound dismissive of you. It's like he's telling you that your love can never be enough for him. 

Why does he think that he loves you more?

Why would he want you to think of him as dangerous? Does have a fantasy that he's a bad guy?

Maybe he's telling you, is an off handed way, that he is doing things behind your back that if you knew about them you would be jealous. Or maybe he thinks that the way to show love is being jealous. 

What is he doing these days to get your attention? Give some examples.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Am I right to believe what you are saying is that it's normal if sometimes I love more and then it changes to when he loves more? Maybe it's not loving more or less, just that we cope with life a certain way at any given time which controls our behaviour?

My husband has recently started to dress differently and also he is concerned about what he eats. He used to call me at work every day and basically keep tabs on me. For a few weeks now he hasn't called me at all during the day and he has not asked me about anything period. It's not like he used to drill me or anything but he always wanted to know if anyone new came into my workplace and was just interested to hear about my day. Likewise I always ask how his day was and I always thank him for how hard he works and that without him I'd be nothing. He never believes me though. He always says little things that indicate i don't mean what I say. We normally get along great but he can be hurtful. Sometimes we'll go to the little store in the small town that we live and one time the lady that owns the store made a comment. She said he should be proud to have me for a wife (it embarrassed me) and he turned around and said "you don't live with her". I was so hurt. What have I done to make him say this? My friends have made subtle remarks to me about how he speaks of me around people. Why? When I confront him he denies everything but I've been sitting beside him when he belittles me. I confront him on the way home and he denies it. It just happened, WTH? 
Whatever, that's small stuff. I'm not sure how relevent this is, just saying.

About him wanting me to find him dangerous? I think maybe he wants me to feel as if he could get better than me if he wanted so I should grovel a little? I don't know this sounds stupid to me. Maybe I think more like a guy then a girl? OK not a girl, I'm in my forties....sheesh!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I see you have been together over twenty years so assume he too is in his forties at a minimum. That makes me wonder if this is some form of MLC. Has he always belittled you? Could there be problems for him at work or elsewhere in his life?

To what extent have you been able to work on your marriage with him? Are you familiar with the books often recommended on this site like His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. It certainly sounds as though he could usefully read them.

On your headline question I suspect it can vary over time. I would distinguish also between internal feelings and behaviour. I think it is perfectly possible to behave in a loving way when internally you may not be getting the loving feelings so much. Indeed if the partner reciprocates the loving behaviour I think that can probably be a good way of rekindling the feelings.

Good luck.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It sounds like he is doing the 180. For what reason, I don't know, but lets assume it is within your relationship and not for someone else outside the relationship.

It sounds to me like there is something he is needing from you and he is perhaps going about getting it in a poor way. Rather than just flat out saying it, he is trying to evoke a reaction from you.

I know for myself, seeing a little possessivemness from my STBW is a great feeling. Seeing that she is willing to stake her claim if you will. One simple example for me. One night she got home from work and a tv show was on. One of the guys she has a thing for on there had shaved his facial hair. She yelled at the tv why in the hell did he do that, a vey emotional response, and made a few other comments about it over the course of the show. I later asked her what she would think if I shaved mine off. She said she would love me no matter if I had it or not. A very nice, loving, accepting answer, but I would have rather had the raw passion of her response to the other guy.

By having a little jealousy show, it shows that you are not taking him for granted. That you realize that he could indeed go find someone else. Maybe he is feeling a little taken for granted?


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I see you have been together over twenty years so assume he too is in his forties at a minimum. That makes me wonder if this is some form of MLC. Has he always belittled you? Could there be problems for him at work or elsewhere in his life?
> 
> To what extent have you been able to work on your marriage with him? Are you familiar with the books often recommended on this site like His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. It certainly sounds as though he could usefully read them.
> 
> ...


He has always talked this way in front of people. I don't think he realises he's talking down because it's who he is and he thinks he's being funny. Most of the time I ignore it unless I'm having a down day.
He would never read anything. I've asked him before but he says he's too tired from work and that if he did try reading none of it would register anyway.
I could read them though. What would you suggest?
He's very proud of himself when it comes to his job. He builds unique equipment that is way to complicated for me but I love to hear the details anyway.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

See, I just don't get that. I've never, and I mean never, said anything derogatory or cut my SO down in public or private. I build her up, let people know how proud I am to have her as my woman, talk about her accomplichments. Her nature is to minimize herself...case in point, we were talking to some friends, and they asked about her job, and she said she was basically a glorified phone answere, and I pointed out that she was way more than that. That there were a couple of long term projects the office had going on, and how she stepped in and basically coordinated and led the whole thing and it was a wild success.

I understand how some people find it funny or endearing or what ever to belittle people, and a lot of the time, there is no real harm meant, but I just don't feel that way. Hell, when people joke about me being whipped, I proudly say yep, I am, she's just that good of a woman


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It sounds like he is doing the 180. For what reason, I don't know, but lets assume it is within your relationship and not for someone else outside the relationship.
> 
> It sounds to me like there is something he is needing from you and he is perhaps going about getting it in a poor way. Rather than just flat out saying it, he is trying to evoke a reaction from you.
> 
> ...


I try to put myself in his shoes and what you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. I can see him feeling taken for granted. I really would flip out if I found out he was more than just flirting with someone else. Maybe next time I should question him about another women when she's flirting and what else do I do, pout about it? I'd better not laugh. This is another thing about me. My sense of humour
Is a little different from most. I laugh a lot when I know I shouldn't. You are right about the 180. That's exactly what it sounds like. Maybe I really should be worried? I'd rather just jump him and call it a day.


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

Its almost like it is a combination of all the above responses. MLC, 180. thinking that if you're not jealous you don't love him etc..

Maybe he is getting attention from others and feels you should be more protective or appreciative. The fact that he is eating and dressing better means he wants to better himself but at the same time, if he is making jokes at your expense and belittling you and your feelings, that is worrisome. 

He might just need some affirmation. Some men, although they might not show it, are sensitive. I know when I was younger, I never cared about affirmation from my wife as I do now. I was your typical mans-man jerk. I hate to admit it, but it is much more important to me now. If this is the case, he just needs to communicate that without lashing out or acting immaturely.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't know about that one loves more than the other in a relationship, but maybe more like, one may be more Co-dependent than another in a relationship. I think some people may get love and co-dependence mixed up, there a big difference.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I answer in the positive as the OP's question. I feel that I love my wife more than she loves me. I show a lot more attention and affection than she ever did and go the extra mile without any asking or prodding. It as frustrating as he'll at times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> Am I right to believe what you are saying is that it's normal if sometimes I love more and then it changes to when he loves more? Maybe it's not loving more or less, just that we cope with life a certain way at any given time which controls our behaviour?


Yes this is what I mean and the underlined part is much closer to it. 


popcorn said:


> My husband has recently started to dress differently and also he is concerned about what he eats. He used to call me at work every day and basically keep tabs on me. For a few weeks now he hasn't called me at all during the day and he has not asked me about anything period. It's not like he used to drill me or anything but he always wanted to know if anyone new came into my workplace and was just interested to hear about my day. Likewise I always ask how his day was and I always thank him for how hard he works and that without him I'd be nothing. He never believes me though. He always says little things that indicate i don't mean what I say. We normally get along great but he can be hurtful. Sometimes we'll go to the little store in the small town that we live and one time the lady that owns the store made a comment. She said he should be proud to have me for a wife (it embarrassed me) and he turned around and said "you don't live with her". I was so hurt. What have I done to make him say this? My friends have made subtle remarks to me about how he speaks of me around people. Why? When I confront him he denies everything but I've been sitting beside him when he belittles me. I confront him on the way home and he denies it. It just happened, WTH?
> Whatever, that's small stuff. I'm not sure how relevent this is, just saying.
> 
> About him wanting me to find him dangerous? I think maybe he wants me to feel as if he could get better than me if he wanted so I should grovel a little? I don't know this sounds stupid to me. Maybe I think more like a guy then a girl? OK not a girl, I'm in my forties....sheesh!


Stop doubting yourself so much. No you do not think more like a guy than a girl. From what you describe there are real problems in your relationship. Your husband seems to have a need to put you down and to use it to make himself feel better.

You say that he used to call you all the time. How often did you used to call him to check in on him during the day?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *popcorn said:* I try to put myself in his shoes and what you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. *I can see him feeling taken for granted.*


It sounds to me your husband is having a *MId Life Crisis* and he wants more of your attention....he is likely feeling vulberable getting older ...not ready to jump into the Grandpa role yet...wants to feel he "still has it"...wanting to feel desired... primarily by his wife... and to feel YOUNG AGAIN...don't we all - at some point in time. 

I wouldn't go acting like this is immaturity though as some posters are suggesting... I had a Mid life crisis a few years ago and If My husband acted like I was this or that, pushing me away... when I was craving more youthful activities, and enjoying more flirting, teasing, more SEX, more FUN, more togetherness...*IF he belittled my needs.*.. well it may not have played out so well. IT's a very sensitive time, man or woman... I would *not* downplay it... 

MANY MANY marriages break up around this time... because one spouse wants to turn a blind eye to the heightened needs of the other... Please listen... engage him ... Seek to understand what is happening with him. If he is feeling taken for Granted... he is probably not going to say this to you, as it comes of WEAK...and men don't like to come off as "Weak"... if some other woman is making a big deal out of him at work and he is wishing his wife was.... this IS a concern ....he may start to develop feelings elsewhere. It happens... if we feel our needs are not being met at home... what about RESPECT.. does your husband feel respected by you. 

Hard questions I know...but given the things he is saying out in public that are hurting you.. it does beg to wonder... something is happening there....




> I really would flip out if I found out he was more than just flirting with someone else. Maybe next time I should question him about another women when she's flirting and what else do I do, pout about it? I'd better not laugh.


 Listen to me carefully... FLIPPING OUT is not the answer here...as he will continue to withdrawal ...he will not feel SAFE around you to confide what he is dealing with... and If you laugh*, you are belittling him... *

Transparency - with a caring attitude in understanding each other is your answer here....dealing with a Mid Life Crisis, showing our vulnerabilities , what is REALLY going on inside...this is where you will find the greatest connection... Be Open to hearing what he is going through... 

I tried to explain in depth about Transparency in my thread...  ...please take a moment to read...to get an idea to how important this is ....so you are more prepared to *NOT FLIP OUT*...if he is very honest with you...as most struggle to DO .... as you say he is taking the "*getting a reaction out of her*" approach... You NEED his honesty to get to the roots...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> I could read them though. What would you suggest?


Yes, you reading the books is a good idea. You could then find ways to talk to him about the idea in the books.

For example in the *Five Languages of Love*, a person needs to figure out what things make them feel loved. So you could ask him a few questions from the book over time and figure it out. The same goes for *His Need, Her Needs*.

Another good book is *"Divorce Busters"*. If you read this one, pay close attention to the section on the 180. (It's not the 180 linked to below.) After you read that you will understand more about what the term idea of the 180 is and how you can use the concept to turn things around.

ETA: Don't let him see you reading the books. It could send him into a phase of being resistant to anything you do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

2galsmom said:


> Love is not jealous, your husband has some serious problems and his comments to you about "loving" you more are manipulative and abusive. He is "baiting" you to get a reaction and he got one, you are feeling distressed, worried and bad about yourself. THAT my fellow poster is NOT what someone who truly loves you does.


 No, but this *IS *how some act when they are HIDING, when they don't feel loved, when they are disconnected from their spouse, and are scrambling to get their needs met in ALL THE WRONG WAYS....

Frankly I can't relate to this at all.. But we read stories on this forum nearly every day like this.. 



> Has he been giving you passive aggressive clues he is banging another woman that you have ignored? Does he do things like hit on waitresses or flirt in front of you to get a reaction and you give him none?
> 
> These are alarming comments and I suspect if he is saying these things there is more to his story.


 How long has he been *acting this way*...is it NEW behavior? I was thinking so.. but maybe I missed it. 



> The "dangerous" comment is not a healthy comment and borders on a threat.
> 
> It is IMMATURE to get jealous, it is IMMATURE to want to make other people jealous, IMMATURE relationships fail, is that what he wants?


 There is what some would describe as a "healthy jealousy" and an "Un healthy jealousy".... Explained here ...

Healthy and unhealthy jealousy | Conflict



> *The good kind*
> 
> Healthy jealousy guards the heart of a marriage because it:
> 
> ...


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It sounds to me your husband is having a *MId Life Crisis* and he wants more of your attention....he is likely feeling vulberable getting older ...not ready to jump into the Grandpa role yet...wants to feel he "still has it"...wanting to feel desired... primarily by his wife... and to feel YOUNG AGAIN...don't we all - at some point in time.
> 
> I wouldn't go acting like this is immaturity though as some posters are suggesting... I had a Mid life crisis a few years ago and If My husband acted like I was this or that, pushing me away... when I was craving more youthful activities, and enjoying more flirting, teasing, more SEX, more FUN, more togetherness...*IF he belittled my needs.*.. well it may not have played out so well. IT's a very sensitive time, man or woman... I would *not* downplay it...
> 
> ...


This is a lot for me to take in all at once. But just to be clear, I don't flip out. I'm not bothered by flirting and such.....I'm not jealous that way. This is what I think others are getting at. Maybe I need to show some jealousy so that he feels loved or wanted. When I laugh it's not at him I just don't sweat the small stuff. I'm confused right now so I'm going to just read your thread and maybe hopefully I'll be able to put this into perspective. Now I'm worried.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> For example in the *Five Languages of Love*, a person needs to figure out what things make them feel loved. So you could ask him a few questions from the book over time and figure it out. The same goes for *His Need, Her Needs*.


Here you go ! Book link >>  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts 



















 Love Languages Personal Profile 




















His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> This is a lot for me to take in all at once. But just to be clear, I don't flip out. I'm not bothered by flirting and such.....I'm not jealous that way. This is what I think others are getting at. Maybe I need to show some jealousy so that he feels loved or wanted. When I laugh it's not at him I just don't sweat the small stuff. I'm confused right now so I'm going to just read your thread and maybe hopefully I'll be able to put this into perspective. Now I'm worried.


I understand the thought that you would not be jealous because you have always trusted him. But I am not sure he can be trusted to not cheat anymore. His changed behavior is that of a person who is not happy in their marriage.

I'm not sure that jealousy is what is needed. But concern that he is looking somewhere else to have his needs met is a real factor.

Another book that might be helpful is _*"Surviving an Affair"*_ by Dr. Harley. It's a good book to read long before there is an affair. 

Maybe what he means when he says that you do not love him as much as he loves you is that he has needs that you are not meeting. Maybe they have gone unmet for a long time. That's what the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" are about.

Lets take a look at needs. How's the sex life between the two of you? How often do you two have sex? How often do you initiate?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *EleGirl said:* *But I am not sure he can be trusted to not cheat anymore*. His changed behavior is that of a person who is not happy in their marriage.


 When did cheating enter this picture, what have I missed ? 




popcorn said:


> This is a lot for me to take in all at once. But just to be clear, I don't flip out. I'm not bothered by flirting and such.....I'm not jealous that way. This is what I think others are getting at. Maybe I need to show some jealousy so that he feels loved or wanted. When I laugh it's not at him I just don't sweat the small stuff. I'm confused right now so I'm going to just read your thread and maybe hopefully I'll be able to put this into perspective. Now I'm worried.


Yes, I am throwing a bunch of posts up here cause they are coming to my head and I am on a roll...Forgive me !

Please pick and choose what works for you...Now listening to what you said....I will take it in a completely opposite direction....

If you never feel a TINGE of jealousy for your husband... that presents another angle...

For instance... I have not answered your original question..... ALL OF MY MARRIAGE, my husband has felt *he LOVED ME MORE*......I didn't act jealous of him either... In fact I never even felt that until the day we went to a strip club together and I let him go back for a "lap dance"... and I felt these stirrings RISE within me... I kinda liked it [email protected]# Wanted to claim him as my own..a little fire there.... 

I didn't even know he felt all this UNTIL 4 yrs ago ...when during* my vulnerable time*...My Mid Life Crisis.. he admitted loving me being more CLINGY / needy in the sexual, this helped him be more *vulnerable* with me.... We started opening up the dialog to these things... it's not like he was going to tell me this... he was just always so wonderful to me... I never questioned anything.. and you know what happened.. *I did take him for granted...in some ways...he felt it ... *


SOME APATHY crept in....it wasn't much ...I was always happy with our marriage, felt we had it all....I was just too into our kids, never another man... Now a little about that subject...

*APATHY* is a lack of caring, there is no jealousy, but also you have lost the Ooompth....the passion... the FIRE that maybe he wants to be feeling FROM YOU...and he is feeling a rise in this in midlife....possible? 

A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore? 



> Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> ...


Oh you have a wealth of information here... so let us know what you think !


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I don't think he's banging anyone. If he's not at work he's with me. Also, there are no women where he works. If I have to worry about an affair then I have marriage all wrong. I'm not going to start making myself crazy wondering what he's doing all the time. We're supposed to trust each other. I don't want to create drama at this point in our marriage. If he has a problem he should tell me. I thought men were simple creatures. I always tell him that I love him. I also show it by keeping a clean house, prepared meals etc. I make him treats and never get something for myself without asking if I can get him something too. I am guilty of not showing jealousy and I apparently love less. I know men want respect so is this his idea of disrespectful? This loving more or less is bs to me. I think it's wrong of him to make me feel this way in front of people but if that's what makes him feel good, go for it.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I understand the thought that you would not be jealous because you have always trusted him. But I am not sure he can be trusted to not cheat anymore. His changed behavior is that of a person who is not happy in their marriage.
> 
> I'm not sure that jealousy is what is needed. But concern that he is looking somewhere else to have his needs met is a real factor.
> 
> ...


Maybe I'm not meeting his needs. I'll have to figure that out. As far as sex goes? I'm the frustrated one. That's another story. I have a thread about that one.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> When did cheating enter this picture, what have I missed ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, thank you everyone for all the info. I'll be reading all day and night. Now I'm starting to feel insecure and it's not pleasant.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I would call him or email him once a day just to wish him a good day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> When did cheating enter this picture, what have I missed ?


I did not say that he his cheating. I did bring up that there is a possibility for cheating as he is changing... taking better care of himself. He's not longer calling her to see how she is so it sounds like he is pulling away from her emotionally. It sounds like he has needs that are not being met and this is bothering him. Plus he is not into her sexually. 

Those are all red flags.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> I would call him or email him once a day just to wish him a good day.


Do you mean "would" as in something that you might do?

Or do you mean that you did this in the past?

It's unclear, are you doing this now?


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Sorry, yes I did and still do call or email once a day. To throw another thing in this mix, if he isn't all that into me then why does he come to my workplace when he's done work instead of going home? Hevwaits till I close shop.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

popcorn said:


> I don't think he's banging anyone. If he's not at work he's with me. Also, there are no women where he works. If I have to worry about an affair then I have marriage all wrong. I'm not going to start making myself crazy wondering what he's doing all the time. We're supposed to trust each other. I don't want to create drama at this point in our marriage. If he has a problem he should tell me. I thought men were simple creatures. I always tell him that I love him. *I also show it by keeping a clean house, prepared meals etc. I make him treats and never get something for myself without asking if I can get him something too. *


 From what you say here, it sounds your primary love language to him is "*Acts of Service*" ...you show your love by doing little acts for him... to make him feel comfortable - so he can relax..... is this how you feel loved as well ? Generally what we give ...is how we also feel loved when we receive, because it's "our language", what fulfills us. 

I don't know your husband or anything about him, but IF he has a different Love language (or languages) at his top , and the "*Acts of service*" is at his bottom.... it wouldn't matter how much you clean the house, prepare meals...and make him treats, lets say if he was wanting more *Physical touch* ...his tank would still feel empty...or lacking.....

I did a post on a couple on my Love languages thread, where the husband NEVER compliments his wife, I mean the 1st time he did ..I was like 10 plus years into their marriage...she almost fell over.. she'll never forget the dress she had on or where she was......I looked at her with my mouth on the floor and I said .. "I can tell you one thing...you don't have *"Words of affirmation"* high on your Love language list or you'd want to KILL HIM!! 

If I was this wife, I'd be pi$$ed off... No, I enjoy more compliments than that ! HE was an "Acts of service and gifts" man... those 2 are on my bottom, a man like that would never work with me... but it was fine for her, cause they were matched pretty good...and expressed love in the same ways ..for the most part...

If you can get your husband to take the tests with you.. (one on my post)... see what you both are...it's something to work towards... 



> Originally Posted by *popcorn* I am guilty of not showing jealousy and I apparently love less. I know men want respect so is this his idea of disrespectful? This loving more or less is bs to me. *I think it's wrong of him to make me feel this way in front of people but if that's what makes him feel good, go for it.*


I feel you both need to sit down and have a serious  to ... Let him know how it makes YOU FEEL when he says hurtful things to others about you.... (this is your pain)....and whatever pain he is feeling, he has yet to reveal... (maybe he has hidden resentment through the years) and he is masking it with these other awful behaviors ....one thing is for sure.. the HURT is on both sides here.....

When we communicate.. we need to use less "YOU" statments...... and more "I" statements.. have you ever heard this before ?? 

COMMUNICATION: YOU� vs. I � STATEMENTS -

This is just the end of the article.. but it will point you to a more effective way to communicate how you are feeling....with less chance of putting him on the Defensive...



> *‘I’ Statements have Multiple Benefits*
> 
> *-* *‘I’* statements make the speaker take responsibility for his emotions, acknowledging and understanding them better. Also, we can really know only what WE are feeling. When we talk about anyone else’s feelings, thoughts or behaviors like ‘you don’t love me’ or ‘you don’t understand’ – it’s all just an assumption. That is our perspective of the situation while that person’s reality may be completely different. So let’s not assume here, let only talk of only what we really know – our own selves.
> 
> ...





> *Elegirl said*: I did not say that he his cheating


I misunderstood...it was the "*anymore*" at the end of the sentence that threw me..... Yes, 's that he is not happy, in some turmoil ...acting out... now to understand WHY.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

The you versus I statements:
It's a good thing you posted this because I have a lot to learn about the proper way to communicate.
Thank you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Men are not simpe creatures. It's just that we are taught that it is weak and needy to communicate our needs. I think that the men who are hapy in their relationships are the ones who have found ways of communicating their needs, and have found wives who are willing to listen.

A recent example of just how complicated we can be...My soon to be step daughte is turning 18 in a wek, so my STBW wanted to have a nice surpris birthday party for her, which I was all for. The thing was, my STBW had recently had surgery and she had to take a lot of time off and her last coupe of paychecks were very slim I had no problems picking up the tab, but as soon as my STBW told me she had invited her ex husband, the daughters father to the party, something flipped inside me.

For a bit of background, the ex is the poster child for dead beat dad. Not a lick of child support, hardly ever sees or talks to his daughter, you get the idea. Well, my STBW invited him, and I understand why. This is a milestone date for the girl, and he is her father. My STBW was being the bigger person. That is part of why I love her so much. 

The things is, as soon as she told me he was invited, everything changed. I was paying for pizza for 25 people, spending eight hours making a really cool cake, and this worthless sack of sh1t was invited to eat that pizza, eat the cake I was making. It was assumed by my STBW that I was going to be OK wth him coming, and honestly, I should be because he is her father. That simple thing turned the party into me being taken for granted, an ATM, and generally a schmuck. My STBW didn't ask him to help ay for his daughters party, or do anything for it. In my mind, it felt like that douche would be coming there and looking at me like I was some kind of sucker...his daughter got her party, and he got someone else to pick up the tab.

To make matters worse, while already having those feelings, my STB step daughter stopped by home yesterday, and we had to hide a few things really quickly, and my STBW said 'Hurry up, go put the cake on my bed' Very, very minor thing right, but does anyone see what she did there? A bit of background to clarify...the bed we sleep in was her mairtal bed.

In those two examples, my STBW didn't do anything wrong. We'll get it worked out just fine, but just a couple of very minor things that really are examples of mens sensitivities, and show just how complex even simple sounding things can be...

Now I just have to figure out a way to communicate the above to her without hurting her...


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. I have read and reread all the comments. I thank you all for them. I will admit that I'm still confused and don't really know what to think.

I love my husband and I appreciate him. I made him some coupons which was a little hard for me. I placed them in his car on the drivers seat so he wouldn't miss them in the morning. He did call me at work that day to thank me but I have yet to be given one for redemption. That's fine, maybe he's uncomfortable.

Last night I went to a hockey game with him. I flat out refused to go with him before so this time I thought I would go to make him happy and forget the fact that I hate sports. I actually enjoyed the hockey game even though it really wasn't my cup of tea. I made my husband laugh even though our home team was losing bad. I also told him that I would go with him again anytime and he was so happy.

Today we went to visit his family and everything seemed to be great. Guess what? The put downs started all over again. Yes, it hurts. I didn't react though. I said not a word and i left it at that. We get home this evening and we start talking about stuff and here we go again. He tells me he wishes I though of him as dangerous. What????? I Love this man. Period. I don't look at other men, I don't belittle him, I tell him how handsome he is to me. He wanted biscotti tonight, I made them for him. He wanted hugs and kisses, I obliged with enthusiasm. What does this man want from me??????


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Oh and by the way, he loves me more apparently.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Popcorn your H sounds very insecure to me.

You're not on your own with the belittling. My H used to make sarcastic remarks in public (and to him it was called *a sense of humour*) but I called him out on it and he took note. Aside from the hurtful things he says he might feel inferior or inadequate.

Maybe just a bit of ego stroking is all he needs - however, if he's saying hurtful remarks it doesn't really put you in the mood to be nice. I'd say exactly the same things to him as you have on this thread.

Best of luck


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Haven't read all of the thread. What I did read leads me to believe you are getting good advice. I don't know if someone thought about this or not.
> 
> How do you show him that you want and need him? How do you show him he is important in your life?
> 
> ...


Don't ever worry about hurting my feelings. I know you're giving me honest opinions and sometimes we don't like what we hear but I want honesty. 

I'm quite shy and I get embarassed when people say nice things about me. I tell my H I'm the lucky one to be with him and I really mean it. I wonder if I'm doing or saying things that hurt his pride. I'm sure I have in the past. We've had our struggles but for a solid two years now I've been happy and I show it. I've grown up.

I'm going to make a conscious effort to pay attention to what I say and do. I hope I haven't been hurting him somehow all this time. 

Thank you for helping me out. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My H is my best friend.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm not sure about loving more, but I believe the power in a relationship lies with the person who cares the least. Sad but true


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

javawave said:


> I'm not sure about loving more, but I believe the power in a relationship lies with the person who cares the least. Sad but true


I think this is what my husband means. Maybe in some relationships it's obvious when one partner doesn't care much but in our case no way.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Too bad he doesn't read some books on building self-esteem. Maybe he can go to some IC, if nothing else?


If it's not a movie forget it. He won't read.


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