# Wife is forcing me to choose



## quoc77

Before I start, if I ramble and don't make any sense, my apologies. I just needed a place to vent and get it out. So frustrated right now with my wife and life.

Background: 
My wife and I met in college. At that time I stayed with my parents. While we were dating, my wife got kick out of her house that she was living with her aunt and uncle. I asked my parents if she could move in. They weren't too thrilled but agree since she didn't have any place to stay. Well, after two years we were married and stayed at my parents house to save up and get our own place. During this time, my father went into business himself which failed. With so many debts he incurred, he abandon us. So my wife and I stayed and took over the house mortgage and live with my mom.

Currently:
Lately my wife and mom has not been seeing eye to eye. They disagree on what is to be done around the house and many other things. If one rearragnes some funiture or move things around, the other would undo it. Well, several days ago it boiled over and my mom got upset and started yelling and throwing things (which she usually does when she's upset, just something I have gotten used to when growing up). Now I need to add that when my wife grew up, she was raised by her grandmother. Her mom passed away when my wife was 5 and her dad abaondon her. She was raised in a house that had few arguments. Me, well my mom and dad would get into arguments, sometimes bad with things being throw (mostly by my mom). So my wife is not used to anyone yelling or arguing with her. She is very upset that now she don't want to live under the same roof as my mother. She wants to move out. But I cannot go with my wife because that would mean I then would be abandoning my mother and the house that we have been paying. My wife said she don't want me to have to choose but then at the same time, she question my love for her because I won't move out with her. I'm sorry but I can't just follow her and leave my mom and walk away from the house. 

Another thing is, whenever my wife and have any arguments, she always brings up about my love for her and question our marriage. She is just not used to having any arguments and I'm just tired of her aways talking about leaving or divorce. 

Since I was caught in the middle between the argument with my wife and mom, I tried to calm everyone down. My wife told me to talk to my mom, which I have and explained to her what she did was wrong. My mom understands it and have apologies to my wife. I did what my wife had ask me, but still she is still very upset and said she can't live under the same roof with my mom

I leaving out many other details that got to where I am today but I tried to summarized it as best as I can. 

Am I being unreasonable? Should I chose my wife over my mom? We are have three little girls together. My wife wants to leave and ruin the relationship that my girls have with their grandmother and also want me to be on her side, which would ruin my relationship with my mother. This fight was between my wife and mother but now I'm deeply involved and am force to make a choose. 

Am I being a momma's boy? Should I follow my wife, which will result in me aways going to blame her for abandoning my mom and the house and start all over?


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## F-102

You two should get marriage counseling, and as succinctly as I can put it, YES, you are being a mommas boy.


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## Confused-Wife

F-102 said:


> You two should get marriage counseling, and as succinctly as I can put it, YES, you are being a mommas boy.


This is not necessarily true. The relationship you have with your immediate family after you get married changes. It's not always pleasant. You've been devoted to your mother for your entire life. Now that you have a wife and kids, are you supposed to immediately just abandon your mother? No, I don't think so. It's not that black and white. There is a lot of gray area here. 

However, perhaps you could find a suitable situation to fix this problem. 

Have you, your mom, and your wife ever sat down to draw up any living boundaries? It's very difficult living with a parent. But boundaries need to be discussed openly. Who's house is it? Who is responsible for moving around furniture? Do you have specific parts of the house that are designated for only you and your wife? Are there certain times when you do not want to be bothered? Could you arrange times for your mom to be out of the house so you have a certain amount of family time?

Perhaps another arrangement might be to sell the house and move into some sort of duplex so your living together but still have your own private spaces. Is there a reason why you can't both get what you want? Why is your mom dependent on you so much? Would it be possible for her to take steps to begin living on her own?

I don't think your wife is being unreasonable for wanting to live alone with her husband and kids, and I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting to make sure your mom is taken care of. I just think the situation has gotten to a breaking point, and everyone involved is terribly terribly stressed out. It's time to make a change. You just have to explore your options and make a decision about what you can do to rectify the situation instead of breaking it down.

I think this can be fixed.


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## F-102

Sorry, but a guy who puts his mommy before his wife has some serious growing up to do.
Quoc, why do I get a sneaking feeling that you come from an Asian culture?


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## michzz

Without labeling you, it is time to focus on your wife and kids.

Sure, ease your mom's transition. Her angry tirades throwing stuff? Totally outrageous behavior!

So move out, she move out, somebody had to go.

Sell the house or rent it.

You not living with your mom is not abandoning her.

She's never paid a price for her bad behavior.

Btw, has it occurred to you that your father may have left because of it?

Not defending his actions, just realize your mom is not behaving decently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## changehappens

You chose to live with your mom - a really bad decision IMO. It's no wonder your wife is having a problem w/ you. She didn't marry your mom for peets sake - she married you. I can't imagine what would cause someone to actually want to share a house with their parent(s) - how can you ever move into your own life w/ mommy hanging around? Geesh!

Before I started writing - and before I actually read your post, I thought "no one can force you do do anything unless they have a gun (metaphorical or real) to your head". Maybe your wife has the metaphorical gun in this case although she also made the decision to move in w/ you while you were living w/ mommy. So she can't really complain since she can't claim that she didn't know you were a momma's-boy. An equal part of the blame for the mess your in goes also to her. 

The big question is - what are YOU going to do about it? My advice - move out and do it fast. Your mother is going to have a hard go of it (maybe) and you can help if possible, but from under a different roof. If you don't have the financial muscle to move you family out, then move her out to somewhere nearby. I'll bet you $500 if you move our and get your mommy out of your daily life, your marriage will improve dramatically.


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## Affaircare

OP I realize that you yourself may not be a person of Christian religion, but one concept we have may be helpful here: 

"A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." —Genesis 2:24

This verse introduces a much deeper concept, and that is that when a man grows to maturity and marries, his obligation to his wife and the family he has with is wife becomes PRIMARY. He *leaves* his father and his mother... see that? And he is bound to his wife as if they were one and the same. Yes, we are also supposed to respect and honor our elders and particularly our parents, and yes we are supposed to assist in their care as they age. 

But the way you have it set up now, you have been leaving your wife, and joining your mother. That is not honorable to your wife, and it is an inappropriate relationship with your mother. 

I see that you moved in, your father's business failed and he abandoned you, and now you and your wife have taken over payments for the house. Your mom may still legally own the house and yet not be able to afford it. You may be able to afford the house but you don't legally own it AND IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY -- it is hers! 

Thus, rather than disrespecting your mother and taking over her responsibilities as if she is unable to care for herself, and rather than disrespecting your wife and making your relationship with her secondary, here's what I would suggest: Your family and your mom do need to live in separate places. I would recommend that you and your wife sit down AS A TEAM and decide how the two of you want to approach this. Then the two of you AS A TEAM talk to your mom, and indicate you'd be willing to either buy her out of the house (so it's legally yours) and find her an apartment/townhouse nearby...or you'd be willing to help her find a renter so she can meet her responsibilities and then you and your wife will find your own home. The very important part of this is that you give your wife the honor due to her--the honor you have been denying her by putting your mom in the place of honor that your wife deserves! Yes, you treat your mom with dignity, but wife = #1, and mom =#2 or maybe #5 after the three daughters. She is your father's responsibility and she is responsible for herself. She is an adult. 

Okay?


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