# Beyond the Breaking Point



## ObscureLifetime (Nov 21, 2013)

Hi. New poster, in need of advice. I am 28 years old, I've been married for almost 9 years. My "husband" and I have 2 kids. There are so many problems, and I am about ready to throw in the towel. Here are the major problems, in no particular order:

Mental health. My husband is bulimic. He had this issue before we married, and I never knew. Looking back, the signs were obvious. Even when we went out to eat, he would always eat and immediately go to the bathroom. Now, he eats A LOT of food and then purges. He wastes money on fast food, and then he lies about it. He eats food with no consideration for me or the kids. It's frustrating to shop for meals when someone constantly raids the kitchen or demolishes all leftovers in one sitting.

Alcoholism. My husband also drinks daily. He zones out playing video games. If I say anything, we argue. The arguments escalate because he's drunk and there is no reasoning with him. 

Infidelity. He cheated in the past, hid it for years, and recently told me about it. I am at a loss for what to do, because it happened so long ago. I feel stupid, and now I find myself looking at all of his actions---I don't want to be played again. He apologized, but he said he doesn't know if it will happen again. He told me that he doesn't know what he is capable of.

Pornography. This has been an ongoing argument. He watches it obsessively, not once in awhile. He also searches for "young" girls on porn sites and that kind of creeps me out.

Family. He allows his mother to disrespect me and our marriage. She has done too many things to list, but with each incident he downplays what she does. Also, this is weird to me: every time he calls his mother, he does it when I'm not around. EVERY time. Now, there was a time when he and his mom were constantly discussing our marriage, which I felt was inappropriate. He claims not to do that any more, but refuses to call from our home. 

Money. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years or more. So I was financially dependent on him. During that time I got my Bachelors and Masters degrees. He acts as though I owe him something now that I am working. For example, I drive to abused/neglected people's homes. A large part of my job entails driving. I had a 2004 honda and needed something more reliable. I got financed and was able to get any car I wanted. The car I really wanted, he said no to. No test drive, nothing. He picked the jeep I ended up with. A few months later, he also got a new car, the one he wanted. His explanation? I had not paid my dues yet. He has to control things like this. The car issue might seem silly, but I had a $5,000 down payment and got a used car-financed $16,000. He got a brand new car. It would have made more financial sense for me to get a new car, right? He also pulls out money to "tithe" at church, and lies about it. Hundreds of dollars that are not accounted for!!!

Parenting. We agree on nothing. At all. He changed religions after we married, and now he wants to teach my children that some things in mainstream Christianity are wrong. I disagree, and I think he would be confusing our kids.

To top all of that off, he is very dismissive toward me. He said that he is happy with everything in his life, except ME. 

Does any of this sound fixable? What would you do? Excuse typos please, I'm typing on an iPad


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Drunk, bulimic, profligate, selfish, adulterous, vain, dictatorial, combative... Plus he is a porn addict and video gamer.

I forgot what questions you had for us, could you please repeat them?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## ObscureLifetime (Nov 21, 2013)

You summed it up! He is all of those things, but I picked him. Now we have kids and assets together. I just feel stuck, and if I have to stick it out I want to know if it can be fixed...or how to fix it?


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Do you want to stick it out? Those issues may be fixable or manageable on a smaller level, but all of them combined? That's going to be a lot of work, and may still not turn out favorable.

What do you want to do? Is it worth it to you to stay in the marriage? Does he even admit that he has any of these problems, or is he willing to seek help for any of them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ObscureLifetime (Nov 21, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Do you want to stick it out? Those issues may be fixable or manageable on a smaller level, but all of them combined? That's going to be a lot of work, and may still not turn out favorable.
> 
> What do you want to do? Is it worth it to you to stay in the marriage? Does he even admit that he has any of these problems, or is he willing to seek help for any of them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would like to stick it out, but like you said, there are lots of problems. He knows he has them, but somehow he manages to blame me. He looks at porn because I don't provide sex on demand. He drinks and plays video games, because I watch things on TV that he doesn't like. He cheated because I didn't give him enough attention (mind you, I had a newborn baby when he cheated). He confides in his mother and allows her behavior because he could have 100 wives, but only one mom. I drive him to binge and purge more because I nag him to stop. Ya know, the more I type this stuff, the more I realize how overwhelmed I am. He doesn't think he needs professional help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think a better question in this case might be whether or not HE wants to see the marriage saved? One way to find out is to put him in a position where he has to make the choice to change the things that need changed in order to do so, or not.

I'll also agree with LongWalk above, except for his note about video games at the end. Video games aren't inherently wrong or harmful (for adults!) unless you allow them to be by investing too much money or too much time into them. Of course, anything we are doing "too much" of, needs to be cut back, but there is nothing wrong with the activity itself. If it becomes an addiction however, it's usually best to remove the temptation altogether.

For starters, have you both discussed MC or not yet? Has that been an option? If he is agreeable to that, then I always think that is the first step that should take place before anything more drastic.

Assuming he refuses MC, then I'd say you should read up on the 180 and consider employing it right away.

He sounds selfish, or at the very least feels like he carries an enormous debt that you owe him and thus can feel entitled to certain things or certain behaviors. I struggle to put too much blame on him for the bulimia since that is a mental health disorder and I'm guessing he knows how it impacts your family and isn't happy about that. Meaning I assume it isn't intentional. The question is whether he is willing to do anything about it? Is he currently in, or willing to consider independent counseling for that or see a doctor for help? It's one thing for it to be a problem that he can't help, it's another thing when it's a problem that he could get help with but actively chooses not to.

The infidelity... You didn't go into detail of how long ago or what the circumstances were. (circumstances make a big difference when it comes to infidelity) The fact that he cant' even say, "I promise babe it will never ever happen again!" is a big concern however. Obviously anyone can cheat, and a promise to not cheat doesn't mean that they can't/won't cheat, but to not even be willing to make that promise... yikes.

Pornography is a marriage killer, and it's unfortunate that most people seem to not recognize that. It's also important to remember that, for men especially, addiction to porn is extremely common and most of the time the individual doesn't even realize it. Like any other addiction however, he will always have ways and reasons to rationalize and defend it, essentially lying to himself and others without even knowing it. Unfortunately, UNLIKE most addictions, the symptoms of porn addiction are far less dramatic or obviously destructive. (You can't get a DUI, arrested for possession, lose your job, or lose your home to mortgage default due to porn use) So it's much easier to conceal and fool yourself into thinking there is nothing bad about it. Myself, I used to compare it to any other hobby/interest, point out that every guy uses it, swear that it wasn't an addiction any more than any other fun activity is, and that it doesn't hurt anyone. (Or worse, I'd hint to my wife that one way she could lessen my interest in porn would be to take better care of my sexual needs. Ugh, I was an ******* back then.) He has to come to terms with the problem himself though, and then find accountability.

Parenting... That's where MC would come into the picture. You've both got to come to terms on agreeing on the key points of your parenting.

Anyways... Consider the 180, for yourself most importantly, but also for the potential benefit it might have on your husband. If after a few months of that and he still hasn't changed, then I think it'd be time to really lay down the entire situation to him verbally, as direct and plainly as you possibly can, and give him the choice of how he wants to move forward. He can make the big changes needed to resolve the issues you've described, or he can expect divorce papers to be filed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you should research the idea of "sunk costs" with regards to relationships. Sometimes AKA "good money after bad". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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