# Affair, abortion, caught her in bed, divorce filed



## Middkid91 (Mar 16, 2012)

Hi there everyone. I am in the sad state of trying to gain some acceptance of the nightmare of the past few months and move through my divorce. Sorry for the epic length post but as you can probably tell by the title of this thread, it's been pretty dramatic and needs some background.

My STBX wife and I have been together for almost 10 years (anniversary is actually on April 3rd). We were so very in love with each other for much of that time and did everything together. We've been blessed with two beautiful and healthy children (B 7 and G 2). We've also been blessed financially and have been able to live a wonderful life in a resort town and travel all around the world, usually for about 6-8 weeks/year). She was a great wife and allowed me to pursue my passions for the mountains and travel for the whole time we've been together. In turn I tried to give her everything a woman could want: She hasn't worked in 8 years, there were always sitters and nannies so she could do her yoga, spas, classes, whatever. We had our date nights, entertained, traveled as a couple in addition to trips with the kids, etc., etc. And know that I just give you this not to boast but just as a picture of our life. As I said, we were blessed.

This summer we spent a month in Italy as a family and it was bliss. But when we came home, we started to argue, a lot. We've had a passionate relationship, but a volatile one at times too. When we fought it often got nasty. In late August and September we were bickering constantly and I suggested we seek counseling.

She was not thrilled with the idea but we did get some help and attended several sessions. Finally, in October she dropped a bomb on me: The spark had gone out, she said, and she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me anymore. This was her second marriage (my first) and i began to panic. I sought counseling myself, read Divorce Remedy, hired a Divorce Busting Coach, did Mort Fertell's online workshop and really made serious changes. Basically, I would have moved heaven and earth for this woman and our marriage but she seemed uninterested. All she could say is that I hadn't been an emotional support for her and that she was tired of giving emotionally to me and not getting anything back. I was surprised and hurt because I am naturally an emotional man and I always thought I'd been there for her. There is no doubt she was also there for me in the ups and downs of my business and relationship with my parents, but I always thought that was part of being a partner. Now she was saying she couldn't/didn't want to give anymore.

At the same time I began to notice changes in her. She was going out a lot with some new "friends," almost exclusively women who were divorced, in dead marriages or getting divorced. I called her on this but each time she got angry and defensive. She started obsessing about her yoga classes too, constantly wanting to be there. Lastly, she became glued to her phone, never, ever letting it out of her sight. Basically she went from transparent to opaque in a very short period of time.

I asked her several times about how things were progressing with us and she always said the same thing: "My feelings just aren't changing for you. I wish they would, I'm trying but nothing is happening and I don't think I can get it back." Finally I point blank asked her if she was seeing someone else and she looked me in the eyes and said no.

On December 28, 2011 for whatever reason I finally decided to check the phone records. What I found made me sick: a few hundred text messages with Dan XXXX, a photographer who lives in town. Sometimes they were texting as late a 4am. I confronted her and she denied everything with him, but finally said that the "truth" was that she'd "developed an emotional connection with someone else." Needless to say my life turned upside down that moment.

When I looked into the records again I found 2000 texts with this "someone else," and 26 hours of phone conversations in the preceding two months. So much for dedicating herself to our marriage! This "someone else" turns out to be a married guy, Don XXXX, with two kids 12 years her senior who she met in her $%&^ing yoga class!

She gave me every excuse in the book, telling me they were just friends, he was her emotional support because I wasn't there for her, etc., etc.. She steadfastly maintained (and still does) that nothing physical ever happened and that she wasn't in love or anything like that. She called me jealous and told me what an a$$hole I was for getting so uptight over a friend of the opposite sex. She even accused me of having an affair with a woman I work with, which is not only completely untrue but also something for which she has not one shred of evidence (because none exists). Being a good divorce buster I tried to take it all in context, hoping that if I went on my own get a life path, showed her the changes i was making, etc., it would die of its own accord and we could begin to heal. We did however agree that we should separate and I moved out on jan. 15, 2012.

On February 2nd, 2012 I had reason to go over to our house to pick up some things and when I was in our bedroom I noticed a Rx bottle on her nightstand. I didn't recognize the med, the Dr. or the pharmacy. It took about 30 seconds on google to learn that the med has only one use - to control bleeding after an abortion or birth - and that the Dr. is a well known local abortionist. I just about passed out because given our intimate history, it would have been nearly impossible (but not totally impossible I have to admit) for the aborted baby to have been mine. Either way, the news was almost too awful to contemplate.

As I searched around the bedroom to see what else I would find, I quickly discovered a love letter not yet sent to this other man. Filled with sickeningly sappy crap about his beautiful eyes, how time stood still when they were together, how their feelings for one another were REAL, I almost couldn't take it.

At this point I decided that enough was enough and that I probably needed to file for divorce even though it was the last thing on earth I wanted. I cried and cried and cried all weekend.

On Monday morning (I had the kids all weekend) I decided to drop my daughter at the house a little earlier than normal, around 7am. Don't ask me why but I just had a very, very bad feeling that she'd done something crazy the night before (superbowl sunday). I checked her cell records early in the am and found she'd been texting her friends until 3am so I figured she'd had a late night partying. I showed up at the house just before 7am and there was a car in the driveway I didn't recognize. i let myself in quietly and went up to our bedroom and found the door locked. My stomach sank because I knew at that moment what was on the other side. She came to the door when I knocked, and I pushed past her and found an guy in our marital bed without his pants on (and clearly not the much older guy she'd had that affair with).

I physically threw this idiot out of our room, down the stairs and out of the house. I berated my wife and spat in her face, which was a close to anything physical as I've ever done to a woman in my life. I'm not proud of that but I was just beside myself with anger. I literally couldn't see straight. I felt like there wasn't enough oxygen on earth to fill my lungs. While she tried to apologize to me, I just wouldn't hear it. How she could do this to me and our family was just beyond my comprehension.

After that catastrophe she filed for a protective order against me, which the judge denied, and I filed for divorce. That was 5 weeks ago.

Initially I just hated her and wanted to punish her in the worst way. I was in a rage for several days. I was going crazy every day - I couldn't work, barely slept or ate either. Slowly that began to ease although this is basically all I think about all day still. Somehow however, during this time I have begun to wish that this marriage could be salvaged. Thinking this I just don't know what is wrong with me. After everything she has done, it's clear she's taken leave of her senses. She still tries to contact the OM although he has cut her off and from what I understand he is living every moment in fear that this mess spills over into his own marriage. She has told me she is no longer in love with me and although she is confused and doesn't know 100% if this is what she wants, she doesn't want to try anymore. As my parents have said, how many different ways to you need to hear and see "no, I'm finished with you" before you believe it.

Obviously any reasonable person in my shoes would read the writing on the wall and move on happy to be rid of this person. But after being with her for 15 years it's just not that simple. Frankly I still love her, I'm terrified of starting over and trying to find someone new, and I'm devastated for our children. I'm trying to keep busy and do things that will help me start a new life without her, but my heart just isn't in any of it. I still keep hoping she's going to call and say let's work on it, but even if she does how could I possibly trust her after all this, and should I even consider trusting her? I believed in our vows so deeply I feel a responsibility toward her as well as a love and I am just totally lost and depressed. I've talked to so many friends near and far and I know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel someday, i just don't see it. I see other marriages that have survived infidelity and I ask "why can't mine?" Basically, I am just a mess and while I know in my heart that she is never coming back, and I know in my head that it's probably for the best for me, I just cannot see how I am going to accept all of this and move on. I am adrift.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is she still living in the same house with you? Have you exposed the affair to the OM's wife? If not, you need to because they are probably carrying on the affair while lying to you that it is over.

I would also tell the OM you found her in bed with another man.

Accept that everything that comes out of your wife's mouth is a lie. 

Do the 180 on her, quit acting out and flying off the handle. All you're doing is giving her ammo to use against you. 

Here is the 180: http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180


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