# 10 year itch? or stupidity? Help.



## ArtOnFire (Jan 16, 2012)

I've been with my husband almost 10 yrs, he's sweet, kind, unselfish, a great father, talented, smart, and has never treated me like anything less than an equal. But I find myself obsessing about a co worker. Wait it gets worse, we both just got married to other people, and besides an instant crush the moment i met him, on his bod and mind. We've never really had any "alone" conversations or moments. And this last christmas I found myself purposely shopping for a present that I knew he'd like. augh! I feel disgusted with myself for thinking about someone else. I havent even flirted in such a long time, but at one time, i thought we both were doing it. At least his eyes told me so, and i was in a real rough patch with my hubby, so much so i was considering leaving him. In my relationship past, men havent exactly been nice to me or treated me much like a lady, so i let my relationship with my hubby advance to where we are now. He makes me so happy, and has given me more then i even thought existed before i met him. Why cant i stop thinking about my co- worker??? I doubt he thinks about me, I strongly doubt he's even slightly attracted to me, I think. But when I see him, I go dumb, stutter, and blush, and think about the oh so dangerous "what if's". I need advice...anything at this point, Im crying about this already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've had this happen to me. It must be some kind of chemical thing. What I did was to just avoid the guy. After a while it passed. Once it passed I could not get what it was that attracted me to him.

It's a form of obsessive thinking. Everytime you find yourself thinking about him, make yourself stop thinking of him. Find an inspirational book and start reading it to force your mind to change subjects. Think of things in the past with you husband that made you very happy.


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## ArtOnFire (Jan 16, 2012)

That's why Im freaking still, I have been avoiding him as much as humanly possible, I dont say hi, I walk right past him, I make it a point to focus on his bad qualities, and I still feel like I'm fifteen anytime we're even in the same room, or hear his voice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ArtOnFire said:


> That's why Im freaking still, I have been avoiding him as much as humanly possible, I dont say hi, I walk right past him, I make it a point to focus on his bad qualities, and I still feel like I'm fifteen anytime we're even in the same room, or hear his voice.


How long has this been going on?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

You are definitely surfing in shark infested waters. What is it about this guy that turns you on? Is he an alpha male type? Some women are attracted to bad boys for sex and procreation, and they marry nice guys (beta males) for security and to raise the children (sometimes ones that the alpha males father). I know that's an ugly thing to say, but in many cases its true. I'm not saying you are such a woman, but your history of a of abusive boyfriends is telling. Maybe you picked your hubby because he was the opposite of those guys, but now you are bored with him because he lacks the dangerous qualities that drew you to the bad boys in your life. 

Is your husband a beta male? Is he a hardbody or soft and comfy? Has he gained weight since you two married? I noticed you did not list "handsome", "sexy", "great lover" in the list of descriptions you gave about your husband. What was it that he did to contribute to the "rough patch" in your marriage? Was he cheating on your or you on him?

I also find that your shopping for a gift for this guy to be disturbing. Did you buy it and give it to him? If you did then that is trolling of the worst sort. Very dangerous. 

Given the little info you have provied, I would say that you are dangerously infatuated with pretty-boy. I would also venture to guess he is the exact opposite of your husband, which is what is drawing you to him. 

This infatuation should fade away in time as long as you don't act on it. Can you transfer to another department, maybe work a different shift? What active steps can you take to put distance between you and this co-worker? 

Have you and your husband ever gone to marriage counseling together? Have you identified the qualities (other than looks) the co-worker possesses that your husband lacks? 

Whatever it is that is stimulating you, a good marriage counselor can help identify your needs and help you express them to your husband in a safe and non-threatening environment. Don't sell your hubby short.... he may take the reigns in his mouth, kick the horse into full gallop and surprise you with how masculine he can be. So if he is not stepping up and being the man you need him to be, then you need to very lovingly tell him exactly what your needs are. Do not go behind his back and take your needs to a person who cares nothing for you. The pages of this website are repleat with horror stories of wayward husbands and wives who did just that, and they unleashed untold tsunamis of pain and destruction on their marriages and family lives because they took the coward's way out and refused to tell their spouses how they were feeling. 

And if you find none of these things work, you need to quit your job. That is a much better alternative to letting your lust for this man progress until you do something you will regret, and possibly losing the man who loves you more than anything.


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## ArtOnFire (Jan 16, 2012)

I bought the present, but did not give it to him. We both have become less attractive over the years, but he still turns me on and he constantly wants to touch me. The other guy is an *******, but his mind is sooooooo sexy. He isnt that great looking, but you can tell he was into sports in his youth, his lifestyle attracts me as well. He is full of himself, anal, and very tall. He's also a geek, and mama's boy. Honestly, I cant completely explain why he's so attractive to me. Just like with my husband, we have alot of things in common, but I believe in my heart that if we would have met both single, that we have all the wrong things in common and are much too different in others. Still.. when he looks me in the eyes, my knees go weak.


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## ArtOnFire (Jan 16, 2012)

Leaving this job, isnt much of a possibility and our hours are set. I have managed to annoy him purposely, and that pushed him away more. I have a strange admiration for him. He says what he thinks, to a fault. And he's one of the few people that I've met that can make me feel ill-equipt.
My husband, is no angel, he used to speak his mind more, but I think my family drilled that out of him somewhat. He's very smart at things Im not. While the other guy, studies stuff Im into like psychology.
I can goof with my hubby and talk about random stuff for hours. Even though my ADD gets in the way.
Me and the other guy can both be headstrong and *****y and loose the corralation between our minds and mouths. 
I dunno...I noticed too much already.blah!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do some role playing with your H, and ask him to act like this guy. See if that helps. I think occasional crushes aren't so awful if you use them to spice up things at home. And remember, what you *think* is nothing; what you DO is everything. 

The point about you obsessing is a good one (by another poster); you may be focusing on this guy to avoid something in your own relationship. So talk to H about it--not necessarily telling him you have a crush on someone else (although that might be best, if he takes it the right way--only you can tell if he will--because once you "confess" it, it might go away). But telling H that you think the marriage needs some adrenaline, and recruit him to help you inject it. That is the very least you need to do, b/c H needs to know--without alarming him, if you decide you cannot or should not tell him--that you are experiencing some discontent and you aren't sure why. share all your thoughts with h, or at least as much as you can, and the bond between you should grow stronger. Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ArtOnFire said:


> Leaving this job, isnt much of a possibility and our hours are set. I have managed to annoy him purposely, and that pushed him away more. I have a strange admiration for him. He says what he thinks, to a fault. And he's one of the few people that I've met that can make me feel ill-equipt.
> My husband, is no angel, he used to speak his mind more, but I think my family drilled that out of him somewhat. He's very smart at things Im not. While the other guy, studies stuff Im into like psychology.
> I can goof with my hubby and talk about random stuff for hours. Even though my ADD gets in the way.
> Me and the other guy can both be headstrong and *****y and loose the corralation between our minds and mouths.
> I dunno...I noticed too much already.blah!


Which will hurt you less financially - a divorce and an exhusband or leaving the job tomorrow?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> My husband, is no angel, he used to speak his mind more, but I think my family drilled that out of him somewhat. He's very smart at things Im not. While the other guy, studies stuff Im into like psychology.


Now that is interesting. Was your husband assertive at one point and then browbeat by your folks into a Nice Guy? Why is your family allowed to have so much influence on your husband? Do you miss that opinionated, assertive side of him? 



> He says what he thinks, to a fault. And he's one of the few people that I've met that can make me feel ill-equipt.


Again, you describe an assertiveness this man has that your husband seems to be lacking (either by personality or lethargy).



> Me and the other guy can both be headstrong and *****y and loose the corralation between our minds and mouths.


The OM challenges you. Hubby does not not. That is the sense I get.



> The other guy is an *******, but his mind is sooooooo sexy.


In what way? 



I think you need to identify and write down the items that turn you on about the OM and then write down a list of the positives about your hubby. Compare the two and see if a pattern emerges. Look for items on the OM's list that your husband may have had at one time but for whatever reason has lost. Maybe with your encouragement he can't get some of those qualities back. 

I believe your husband is suffering from chronic Nice Guy syndrome. He may not have been one hen you met him, but he is now and that is whay you are getting bored with him. 

Take a look at No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a book and a chat room that might be beneficial to your husband's


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Did your husband ever make your knees weak and melt you like butter back then?

If yes, then remember those times and try to recall what it was about him that made you that way.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Here's something that won't make your knees weak, the feeling in his heart that you are absolutely killing him when he finds out you cheated on him. When he sobs all night long thinking his life his over and everything he knew about you was a lie. When he thinks about how happy you could have been and all he's done for you, and how easily you could throw it away for a piece of ass. The guilt you will feel for shattering his perception that you are an infallible angel that would not or could not ever do anything so stupid. The guilt you will feel for giving up a wonderful man because you can't control your urges.

Think about that the next time boner-boy makes your heart flutter. Tell me how ripping out the heart of someone you care about could make you excited? You are allowing yourself to indulge in these thoughts because it excites you, if you focus on the pain that this kind of "romance" would offer, you might realize that the idea is stupid and not worth thinking about.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Art - you're standing on a very slippery slope - you recognize it - which is good but now you need to get off of it and back on solid ground. Take it from a cheater, you want no part of an affair - emotional or physical. The damage cheating does to the cheater is unbelievable, I will carry the scars of mine forever and as affairs go mine really wasn't that bad (relatively speaking). I'm not even addressing what it will do to everyone else. 

Do whatever you must to go no further down this road - to turn around and get your head back where it is supposed to be. Do not take that first bite of the apple, once you do the consequences are catastrophic.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

COguy said:


> Here's something that won't make your knees weak, the feeling in his heart that you are absolutely killing him when he finds out you cheated on him. When he sobs all night long thinking his life his over and everything he knew about you was a lie. When he thinks about how happy you could have been and all he's done for you, and how easily you could through it away for a piece of ass. The guilt you will feel for shattering his perception that you are an infallible angel that would not or could not ever do anything so stupid. The guilt you will feel for giving up a wonderful man because you can't control your urges.
> 
> Think about that the next time boner-boy makes your heart flutter. Tell me how ripping out the heart of someone you care about could make you excited? You are allowing yourself to indulge in these thoughts because it excites you, if you focus on the pain that this kind of "romance" would offer, you might realize that the idea is stupid and not worth thinking about.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

and I have copied this to look at over and over again because MY spouse did exactly what YOU are doing. so take it from someone who has been cheated on. it will absolutely kill your husband if he's in love with you. 

I don't understand why spouses don't have the good sense to go to their partner and talk about their feelings or what they are missing in the relationship *before* acting like an idiot.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Honey.... I assure you if you have said nothing... done nothing... take a deep breath!

I know it seems hard but take a moment to fall in love with your husband again... look at his pic before bed... or look in to his eyes if you sleep together (I forget most couples do haha) Woo him... set up a love affair with your spouse... meet up in secretive meeting spot, go out for lunch just because and ask him stupid questions about things like his favorite color and what he wants to do or be in 10 years... Set a date to have sex every day for a month!!! I dont care if you want to or he wants to what mood your in or if that is more sex than you have in a year... it will make your love even stronger... 

The way you feel about this other man is only because of the amount of time you spend with him bury them and you will be stronger because of them and your marriage will be to if you do some of the things above 

Good luck honey!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My advice, you need to stir your emotions back to your husband......take yourself back in time, get out some old photo albums, you & him sit together, reminesce , laugh, play an old love song. dance, go out on a date, visit an old necking spot...make some new memories....

... this is something I did ..... I made a "movie maker video" dedicated to just me & him, added a very touching love song .... WOW, I can not tell you how that stirred me towards my husband, I wanted to go back in time and grab him and relive everything I felt we missed -cause I was too busy with other things (kids , projects, etc) , I was taking my husband for granted - in reality. 


I believe it is normal to have little crushes out side of our 
marraiges towards other attractive people in our life, so long as we do not act on them, at the end of the day, the emotional connection should be with your husband & yourself. 

If you have lost the spark and need to find it again, I highly recommend this book for you, about sinning & seducing your spouse ! 

Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books


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