# Devastated by marriage breakdown



## sadsamantha (May 2, 2013)

Hi Guys,

I'm truly at my wits end. My husband says i've ruined his life, and married him on a lie, and we've only been married less than a year!

Background: Met my husband 9 years ago when i was 19, fell madly in love with him, moved countries to be with him, all was great for a few years. Then things started getting bad and him not treating me great as i 'annoyed him', i think this was a lot based on the fact that after i first met him briefly at a party, but before we even went on a single date or had a single kiss, i had a one night stand with an ex. Stupid thing i know, i regretted it ever since. ANyway, i told him this after we eventually got together and he was not happy. At all. It completely changed his view on me. Anyway we struggled on in a poor state for while, with him being extremely angry at me for no reason, calling me names, blanking me in public etc, flirting emailing and texting other girls, and that was after i moved countries to be with him! Anyway it got to the point where things were unbearable so i had to finish it, which he agreed to. It was a bitter enough ending, i hated him so much for not looking after me, and we had a very clean break, bar the odd text etc, i moved out and into a friends a few miles away. Anyway, about 7 weeks after our break-up, me still living in his country, i was devastated, and went out one night and got really drunk and ended up in bed with some guy i had only met.

It was a horrible experience and i've regretted it ever since. I totally put it out of my head and never wanted to think about it again, to me it didn't happen, i told no-one. Shortly after that i moved back to my own country as living there was too tough with my ex nearby. When i moved home, he got back in contact, saying he didn't think i was going to leave the country etc. Anyway he said he wanted to give it a another go so i visited a few weekends to him, but nothing had changed,he was still quite ignorant to me, and i felt that he wasn't really interested. So again it ended, this was just before Xmas. I just thought, that is it, i never want to see that guy ever again in my life. He hurt me so much, i was so angry, i had devoted myself to him and he never treated me properly. So i went through Xmas pretty down, going out drinking etc, then on new years eve ended up at a house party full drunk and again did the stupid thing of ending up in bed with some guy my ex absolutely hates. I was so stupid, i felt so bad about it, i stopped it midway through because i was so upset, and very drunk.

Anyway, i never told my ex any of this, as we had absolutely no contact for months and months, nothing whatsover, de-friended on facebook, numbers deleted, living in different countries etc. just getting on with our own lives. Anyway, the following august i was at a wedding my ex was at, and he asked to go for a drink with me on our own, he poured out how much of a fool he had been and how much he missed me, and wanted to give it another go. I said id think about it, and a few weeks later we started commuting countries to see each again, by the following January i had moved back to be with him in his country, and by the July we were engaged, getting married 1 year later. We never spoke really about people we were with when we were apart, i never asked him because i didn't want to know. He did ask me if i had kissed the guy he hated, i said yes but nothing else. So yes,i lied to him, i don't know why, i just didn't want to upset him. I so wish now i had told him the truth.

Anyway, about 7months my now husband confronts me about these 2 one night stands, as he found msgs on my facebook which sounded like something had happend, basically them saying they had a good time, would like to see me again, and me saying 'what happened was terrible mistake, i'm very embarrassed over it, still really cut up about my ex etc, it shouldn't have happened'. These were msgs from years ago that i simply forgot to delete. I had put those events out of my head so much i never thought about it.
Now my husband is raging, he says i married him under a lie, that of course i would have been thinking about those events the whole time (which i wasn't, i wish i was now!) that i lied to him to get him to marry me, that i'm a **** and a slag and he'll never trust me again. Its at the stage now were we are in very serious decisions about separating.

I'm an absolutely destroyed by this, the hardest thing to deal with is seeing how much i have hurt him. I wish i had of told him before we got married but i genuinely didn't think about it, to me it never happened, it was in the past, we were both so very happy together. It scares me how much i deleted it from my mind. My husband wants to know every single detail of what happens on those notes and is furious that i can't remember everything,he says that this is another lie, i can remember, but i can't remember everything, i was drunk, it was nearly 4 years,i can't remember things like who took off what first etc.

I'm absolutely at my wits end. I've not even been married a year and it's been the worst time of both of our lives, i feel so guilty for all the damage i have done, i wish and wish and wish i had thought to tell or hadn't lied to him. I love him so very much, but can't understand how he is not willing to let it go and move on, he wants to go over it every single day. We no longer sleep in the same bed, our sex life is non-existant. I'm a wreck, he's a wreck. We're heading for separation and i can't live with my self. Help!


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## sadsamantha (May 2, 2013)

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, alcohol does not bring out the best in me and we have had many rows about me overdoing it on the wine. As a result i'm making a conscious effort not to drink as much, and only got out with him together. Working on it and considering cutting it out completely.
Re; counselling, i have suggested this on several occasions but he is having none of it. He believes that all of this is my fault, which i accept it is, and why should he have to be humiliated in front of a stranger in counselling with me. He really sees this as a humiliation, said it has destroyed him, he doesn't feel like a man anymore etc. Is he over-reacting? It breaks my heart that silly disgusting mistakes from my past are hurting him so badly. Yes, we were absolutely completely split up when both these things happened, we weren't 'on a break', we were finished for what we thought was forever back then.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is ridiculous, he is raging about things that happened when the two of you were not even together. Its kinda none of his business, in reality. He needs to get a grip, this is not all your fault, so stop letting him lay the blame on you. What you did while you were not in a committed relationship with him is irrelevant. 

Personally I cannot believe you married this man after his hateful treatment of you before.


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

He has and always treated YOU like ****, so for him to get upset about you doing something that is none of his business while you were not together is ridiculous. Why you kept trying again and again with this guy when all he did was treat you like garbage is WAY beyond me! 

Love or not he does not love you and he has shown that! You definitely should have never married him, he has made you think that everything is your fault and it definitely is NOT. He is a mental and emotional abuser and even if its not physical you are in an abusive relationship and I would cut him clean and move on and get the heck out of there. None of this is healthy for you. 

I hope you gain the courage to believe that when everyone says this is not your fault and its him and he is the ******* that you find it in yourself to know that you deserve so much better than him and you leave. You deserve to be happy and it seems as though he has never made you happy! Getting married does not solve any issues anything!

Do you really think that if you told him about sleeping with your x rather than just kissing him would have made your husband happy? Do you really think that if he knew the truth that he would have married you? Sorry to say but i get the feeling he wouldnt have if he knew what really happened. 

Ditch the doe doe and find yourself a man worthy of your love because this jerk does not deserve you at all!! and you are WORTH it.

Good luck I hope it works out!


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

I am not a marriage expert at all, but there were many things wrong from the beginning. We tend as humans to hide or suppress our better judgment to be accepted.

My advice is to just let it all out. Sit down, tell him everything. Even apologize for lying. He most likely has skeletons in his closet.

One thing, man or woman, that people will always remember is how many people have you have been with, especially if they know the person. It's like a constant visual.

I never asked my wife. I didn't want to know. I know she had, but I don't need to know the details. I just so happened to innocently stumble upon some pictures while cleaning up our old iPods for sale with her and a fat man (No disrespect) that was much older than her kissing. It was sickening. I left it and let her go through it and never mentioned it because I didn't want to know anything. It was funny because I know she lied on several occasions. But, I work through it. If she has things to hide or doesn't want to remember, I don't want to pry.

Your guy sounds like if you do not admit what you did, he will hold it against you and pester you until you cave. If you do tell him, it will be much of the same but at least it's out in the open, and you can decide if it's worth the struggle to be labeled in his eyes as a liar and probably a few other nasty words.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

For completeness, thread continues here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ion/77650-my-husband-cant-forgive-forget.html


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

IMHO, it doesn't matter if you tell him everything or nothing at all. He will use this against you for the rest of your life either way. Down the road, every time he texts other women, calls you names, treats you poorly, you won't be able to say a thing to him about it without him lording this over you.

Your ONS didn't hurt him, it was a gift because now he has something that he can use to control you forever. 

It will never get better.


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