# Taking it Personally



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Just wondering if there are any other men out there who take it as personal hit if you can't get your woman to climax.

After a long time of him not caring/taking care of my needs consistently, things are different now and he always wants to make sure to please me when we have sex. Which I am thankful for.

But if something happens such as him losing it too soon, I'm sore, it's too hot, etc. And for some reason I can't get there it makes him really upset.

I realize things don't always work out perfectly. But he takes it very personally. He mopes, apologizes over and over, and seems to act like I am disappointed in him, or going to strangle him. 

He is so caught up in how he performs sexually. Any other guys like this?


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

If it happens once in a while, I get that. I try not to stress about it. But I am determined not to let it happen twice in a row.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

ive been with 20 or so women in my life. married for the last 12 years (so just my wife for the last 12). Ive never made a woman orgasm from sex. I do it all the time orally, but have never been with a woman that came from PV sex. As Im getting older, its had a huge effect. My wife is very active with me. we do a ton of stuff. she loves having orgasms, but only has them clitoral from oral (and 1 other way i wont discuss). Point is, yes it grates on me. Im becoming increasingly less....i don't know....interested. Lately, when I start having sex, immediately my mind goes to "im gonna fight this as long as I can, finish, and go down on her..same as always". Kind of bored with it


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I have always made sure that happens, I prefer it to my own but we always both get ours....back in the day


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> ive been with 20 or so women in my life. married for the last 12 years (so just my wife for the last 12). Ive never made a woman orgasm from sex. I do it all the time orally, but have never been with a woman that came from PV sex. As Im getting older, its had a huge effect. My wife is very active with me. we do a ton of stuff. she loves having orgasms, but only has them clitoral from oral (and 1 other way i wont discuss). Point is, yes it grates on me. Im becoming increasingly less....i don't know....interested. Lately, when I start having sex, immediately my mind goes to "im gonna fight this as long as I can, finish, and go down on her..same as always". Kind of bored with it


I can only orgasm from PIV if I'm getting clitoral stimulation at the same time. That's pretty common for women. 

I'm sorry your getting uninterested. Maybe start with her first, switch things up? I've heard women are more likely to have them from PIV if they have an O before.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yes and no. I will try everything in my power to make it happen, but sometimes it's just not in the cards. It is a bit of an ego hit when it happens, and I'm thankful it's very rare. 

My W O's easily from PIV. If she can't for whatever reason, I will go down and try that way. If it's still not happening then it's an all about me night! But I always try to balance that out at some point later that week.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

CW, I'm going to guess that in your case, your H thinks your main problem/complaint about the sex and intimacy is about "getting off". He has no other way to understand what you are asking him for more of.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> CW, I'm going to guess that in your case, your H thinks your main problem/complaint about the sex and intimacy is about "getting off". He has no other way to understand what you are asking him for more of.


Yes I think our past issues do play a big part in him taking it personally. In the past I threw such a stink about his lack of caring in giving me orgasms that I think he is paranoid I am going to turn into Godzilla if he doesn't give me one. Which isn't the case at all. Sure I am frustrated when I don't have one, but not at him. (Unless of course he is being lazy/not trying at all which is rare these days.) 

I am always reassuring and nice about it, and tell him I love having sex even if there is no big finish, etc. I never blame it on him, or pout or anything. 

But he still thinks he is "less of a man" if he can't please his woman.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I can only orgasm from PIV if I'm getting clitoral stimulation at the same time. That's pretty common for women.
> 
> I'm sorry your getting uninterested. Maybe start with her first, switch things up? I've heard women are more likely to have them from PIV if they have an O before.


Thanks. Yeah, when you say "mix it up", i dont think we can mix it up any more short of getting other people, animals, or whips involved. (jk on the animals). We do as much as 2 people can do. When she comes first, I think it actually makes it harder for her. I think the "hotness" subsides and she gets more focused on making me cum. talking to your point, it starts to grate on a guy a bit. Guys cum so much easier and with so much more frequency then women, that for some of us, the whole act becomes about being a stud for your woman. cumming ourselves is...well....its gonna happen. so its not really about that. Thats why he gets frustrated when you cant finish.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Oh just for reference I'm talking about orgasming in general. Not just PIV.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> Thanks. Yeah, when you say "mix it up", i dont think we can mix it up any more short of getting other people, animals, or whips involved. (jk on the animals). We do as much as 2 people can do. When she comes first, I think it actually makes it harder for her. I think the "hotness" subsides and she gets more focused on making me cum. talking to your point, it starts to grate on a guy a bit. Guys cum so much easier and with so much more frequency then women, that for some of us, the whole act becomes about being a stud for your woman. cumming ourselves is...well....its gonna happen. so its not really about that. Thats why he gets frustrated when you cant finish.


That's funny. I am the exact opposite as your wife. I have trouble going after my husband. I feed off his 'hotness.' So while he is excited and into it I am too, once he is done and sleepy it kills my mood.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I realize things don't always work out perfectly. But he takes it very personally. He mopes, apologizes over and over, and seems to act like I am disappointed in him, or going to strangle him.
> 
> He is so caught up in how he performs sexually. Any other guys like this?


I used to be a bit like this, but not so much any more. 

When I was younger, I had a difficult time understanding that someone could like sex without having an orgasm. I was focused in my view and did not really get. So if she did not get off, I took it that I was not doing it right for her and I had failed.

While I am not sure that still really understand it on a gut level, I have accepted it and became less concerned about it during any particular session. As I did that, it became easier for her to climax, as I put less pressure on her. We both became more comfortable and confident in putting her in charge of her orgasm. If she needs me to do something to get her there, she tells me and I work with it. No more guessing or wishing or thinking really hard hoping the other figures it out.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DH makes my orgasm his personal mission. lol 

There have been times (morning wood quickie sex) when he is ok w/not focusing on my orgasm but it took a long time to get there. He would definitely worry and feel he did something incorrectly if I didn't O during evening sex. 

I know it has nothing to with the O though if that makes sense. 

It's the break away from the normal behavior of O that gets him worrying. 

Take morning sex as an example...he's ok without having me O for that every time bc he knows I don't want to O every time. I've explained it makes me want to snuggle and sleep the day away when I O first thing in the AM. 
But evening sex with no O would cause him to think I was stressed or upset about something. He would want to stop sexy time all together to make sure I was ok. It has happened where I told him to stop bc it felt like it was taking me forever. Nothing was wrong so once he established that,he told me to stop focusing on the time and start focusing on how good what he was doing felt to me. So I did..then the O happened 

Maybe that's how other men take it too when their partner doesn't O. They aren't hurt so much because they think they're doing something wrong,they just become worried that she's upset about something or something is weighing on her mind.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Same boat as Charlie really, plus I have ED issues. And my wife is like you curious wife, and yes I apologize and all that too, and a big hit in the old moral too.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife and I are pretty good about being open on this topic. It is something I don't stress about because my wife is pretty good about telling me upfront whether or not she wants to orgasm. This usually happens before sexy times so the expectation is on the table. When she does want to orgasm it comes (pun intended) quick! 

For me, I am pretty open with my wife and I will tell her that I need to orgasm. She's awesome in letting me enjoy myself and appreciates that I take my time in getting her nice and wet before I go to town.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Gees I hope my wife hasnt been faking all of these years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wouldn't consider it a satisfactory sex life if my partner didn't orgasm regularly with me. Like some of the others, I feed off her enjoyment way too much to not get that. 

However... If she can't or doesn't want to try, for some reason, it's not the end of the world. And I'm ok with her not having orgasms through PIV. That's only happened a couple of times in over 3 years. But she orgasms often and hard through oral or when using toys during PIV, and I'm fine with that. My STBX would just through PIV, but she was "one and done", and not nearly as much fun. 

C

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Wow. I'm happy to see all these replies.

I'm also happy to see all these men that care so much about their woman's orgasm. :smthumbup:

Tall Average Guy

Yes. When things just aren't feeling great for whatever reason or another, I feel pressured to keep trying, and perform, because otherwise I know he will feel bad. When really it has nothing to do with him. 

I will tell him if I want him to change things, or give him direction, but sometimes it just isn't going to happen. 

Like ScarletBegonia's husband he doesn't mind having quickies sometimes and doesn't feel bad then. But if we start off "regular" sex, and I don't have one then it's a failure to him. 

Last night we were having a good ol time, and I got a little too enthusiastic, and he lost it. I couldn't get there after that, because of a mixture of reasons. And when I was trying to assure him he actually said, "I feel like it is a waste to have sex if you don't "get there." What is even the point?"

I don't feel that way at all. I love sex. He had fun, I had fun. I just don't see the waste. :scratchhead: Crazy man.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> I wouldn't consider it a satisfactory sex life if my partner didn't orgasm regularly with me. Like some of the others, I feed off her enjoyment way too much to not get that.
> 
> However... If she can't or doesn't want to try, for some reason, it's not the end of the world. And I'm ok with her not having orgasms through PIV. That's only happened a couple of times in over 3 years. But she orgasms often and hard through oral or when using toys during PIV, and I'm fine with that. My STBX would just through PIV, but she was "one and done", and not nearly as much fun.
> 
> ...


Oh I agree. It would be different if this happened all the time. But I orgasm at least 80%-90% of the time. So it's not a super common occurrence.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Wow. I'm happy to see all these replies.
> 
> I'm also happy to see all these men that care so much about their woman's orgasm. :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


I will admit, I have not read every post you've made, but I think I understand the crux of the bedroom issues you and your H are going through. But I have to ask, what do you mean by 'a little too enthusiastic'? I'm not being salacious, but you were enjoying yourself too much and he lost interest? I don't think I follow. :scratchhead:


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> I will admit, I have not read every post you've made, but I think I understand the crux of the bedroom issues you and your H are going through. But I have to ask, what do you mean by 'a little too enthusiastic'? I'm not being salacious, but you were enjoying yourself too much and he lost interest? I don't think I follow. :scratchhead:


No nothing like that.

I'll try to explain it without TMI. 

He was thrusting, and I got too into it, and thrusted back too much/too hard and he climaxed. Thereby ending our PIV. 

He can thrust for a long time usually, but if I certain spot gets hit too much or too long, then he goes past the point of no return.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Ah ha! I hadn't considered that. I just thought you whipped out the hand mixer or something.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> Ah ha! I hadn't considered that. I just thought you whipped out the hand mixer or something.


:lol:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Tall Average Guy
> 
> Yes. When things just aren't feeling great for whatever reason or another, I feel pressured to keep trying, and perform, because otherwise I know he will feel bad. When really it has nothing to do with him.


I know that now, but as a younger guy, I did not get it. It took me a while to trust it and recognize that I had to let me wife experience it in her way, not in mine. 

I don't remember anything that caused that light bulb to go off beyond just finally saying I have to believe her when she says it.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Or the Aunt Jemima treatment, from the movie 'Stripes'. "Who's your buddy? Who's your pal?"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't worry about it unless there's a persistent problem. Usually she does, sometimes she doesn't, and it's almost always more about her (tiredness, stress, health, etc.) than what I'm doing - and I'm good at what I do!


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I have always been 100% open to oral, toys, and doing everything to get my wife to orgasm. I understand my penis alone may not be what she needs and it never bothered me. I was told prior to even being intimate that she can't reach climax with just intercourse, so I knew what I was getting into.

However, half way through our marriage I read a conversation with a friend of hers where she openly says she has never had an orgasm through pure intercourse. Her friend bragged about her husband and suggest maybe I was doing something wrong. Rather than dismissing that idea or saying it was something she could never do, she responded back with, "maybe." 

At that point I took it very personal. I took it personal because I felt like blaming me for not knowing your own body is your own fault. I am extremely open and tell my wife I would do anything she needed, even have sex for 24 hours straight if that could get her off. I'm average/above average in size but still was open to try extenders, wideners, or anything to maybe create more friction for her. Slow, fast, whatever, I am totally okay with trying whatever it is she thinks she needs. She has always said, "It's just something I can't do." I believed her. 

Her body has changed so much though. She orgasms through penetration now. It didn't happen until years later though, as I never really pressured her but seeing the conversation realized what would be said about me if she left me or we divorced. Her not orgasming was not HER problem, it was MY problem. I would have been shrugged off as a "bad lover" because some new guy comes along and gives her the orgasm through sex that she never had. And the new guy has the HUGE advantage of newness, excitement, etc. I would never have that again. So yes, I took it personal, because I am open as hell and totally agreeable to do whatever needs to be done to get her off. 

Once she did open up (12 years in) became less "prude," she began to enjoy orgasms in every way possible. Instead of just being there, she began to talk, began to request long and deep, slow.... sex. She actually took sex and made it something she wants to enjoy more than me, and made it clear that if we have sex it's going to be something she gets as much enjoyment as possible out of as we do it. It worked.

Also, maybe her mid 30s is just her sexual peak.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Well, no need to worry here. Mine is selfish. If I don't get it. Nothing is mentioned about it. 

WHATEVER:soapbox:


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Coldie said:


> I have always been 100% open to oral, toys, and doing everything to get my wife to orgasm. I understand my penis alone may not be what she needs and it never bothered me. I was told prior to even being intimate that she can't reach climax with just intercourse, so I knew what I was getting into.
> 
> However, half way through our marriage I read a conversation with a friend of hers where she openly says she has never had an orgasm through pure intercourse. Her friend bragged about her husband and suggest maybe I was doing something wrong. Rather than dismissing that idea or saying it was something she could never do, she responded back with, "maybe."
> 
> ...


Selfless


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## boomstick_nj (Apr 22, 2014)

Tell him with a wicked smile that you are an expert in making *him* cum, and that sometimes you like practicing. Then show him what you mean.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife doesn't O, ever, under any circumstances. Yes I take it personally. No, I probably shouldn't.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi TheCuriousWife,

Not me, I don't take it personally at all sometimes it just doesn't happen for her.

In fact it didn't happen for her this morning! I woke up to find her naked and facing away from me so we spooned. She was quite happy to do this and played with herself at the same time. After a few minutes I knew she wasn't going to orgasm via penetration alone so I asked if she would like some oral attention. She wasn't interested, she said she didn't have the time since she was meeting a friend. That being the case I took her in her bottom in order to finish quickly (all done in around 15 minutes). She then got up went to the loo, had breakfast, a shower, got dressed then kissed me goodbye and left.

Although I think it's a shame she missed out on an orgasm, it's not something I am worried about.

My wife orgasms through penetration around 35% of the time when we have sex. While 10% of the time she doesn't orgasms at all. All other orgasms for her are mostly through oral and or finger stimulation. Though we have toys and she can orgasm using them it usually takes her longer and she prefers not to use them. She also orgasms through the use of my hand inside her which isn't all the time because it's only sometimes we can do this.

Except when she doesn't orgasm it is rare for me to orgasm before or coincident with her. Also, though she has on occasion orgasmed twice in close succession, that is a very rare event because she is usually very sensitive after orgasm and doesn't like vaginal penetration, or any other stimulation after the event for a while. So if I continue with penetration from then on, it will most often be in her bottom since she prefers that afterwards.

The biggest thing is that of the times she doesn't orgasm, it doesn't matter what we are doing in terms of method, if it isn't going to happen it wasn't going to happen. As Married but Happy say's "tiredness, stress, health, etc" emotion plays a big role, as to wether my wife will have an orgasm.

Being caught up with how one performs sexually seems to be a confidence problem. At the end of the day if you are okay with not having an orgasm all of the time (and we all should be ok since it happens), he should be okay about it as well since it can't be helped sometimes. Even I haven't orgasmed a few times over almost 18 years together and we're not worried about it.

Best.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Many years ago, it did not bother me. But when I met my wife, it mattered. This one was a keeper and I wanted to make sure she wanted more and that I satisfied her. However, it did not happen all the time. At first I felt bad, took it personally. However when we talked about it she told me that "the journey" was also very important to her. So even if she did not O, the journey was good and she was good.

I think it took a while for it to sink in. I found myself always asking her about it, how close she was, what I could have done different etc. But the more I asked questions, the more pressure I was putting on her. And more pressure means that it is harder to O. So, I learned to back off.

Yes, I still take it a little personal, but I have to remember that pestering her is not going to make it better.

Your H needs to learn two things:

1) The journey is part of it. And sometimes a good journey is also a good time. So not to sweat it and accept that providing a good journey is success.

2) Not to pester you about it. That will only make you feel more pressure and make it less likely that you can enjoy it. If you know that he is going to pester you about it if you don't O soon, that is going to kill it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There are times, particularly related to where a woman is in her cycle, that she just won't O. It doesn't matter what her lover does, it just ain't gonna happen. It doesn't mean she's not enjoying herself and is no reflection on her lover.

It's very important to my hubby that I O, he'd love it if I did every time - and his hit rate is pretty darn good, lol, but he does get that sometimes it just won't happen.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TheCuriousWife said:


> *Just wondering if there are any other men out there who take it as personal hit if you can't get your woman to climax.* ...
> 
> *He is so caught up in how he performs sexually. Any other guys like this?*


I did a thread on this awhile back......

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/102337-just-how-important-your-wifes-orgasm-you-man.html


My husband would be this sort of man, he will pass on sex if I even suggest I might not be able to get mine (how I opened that thread)...which I have felt was a little crazy, I wouldn't do that if I was raring to go....

It just means everything to him...he is amazing at holding out for me...I can feel when I have to slow it down... I can almost see the pain on his face at times.. If he goes before me....(very rare) he is very apologetic.. He really feels BAD... but he knows I want mine every single time.. I think our struggles will open up when I go through menopause ...as Charlie Parker has mentioned with his wife...

The ones who really care about pleasing.....I think it's just built into their psyche... One of many struggles some of us have to overcome in life with the elusive orgasm...

Here is a Post I did on orgasms on that thread...



> If anyone may be interested...thought I'd list a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>*
> 
> I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide:
> 
> ...


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

fightforher said:


> Yes, I still take it a little personal, but I have to remember that pestering her is not going to make it better.
> 
> Your H needs to learn two things:
> 
> ...


These are really important lessons to be learned by guys whose partners do not easily orgasm. The more you make it an issue, the harder it seems to achieve. It's like chasing a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it flutters away, but if you stand still and enjoy the moment the butterfly might just come and land on your hand.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> In the past I threw such a stink about his lack of caring in giving me orgasms that I think he is paranoid I am going to turn into Godzilla if he doesn't give me one. .


BING BING BING WE HAVE A WINNER


I dont know about your past...did you jump on him every time you didnt climaxe, did you talk about it constantly?? Did it come across as nagging??? Was he truly lazy and non caring about your climaxe in the past, or did it just seem that way?

My ex used to nag ALL the time about certain things, trivial household stuff, and to this day I REFUSE to do those things the way she wanted...its part of my programming now


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