# How to get a man to be a DAD



## unsure&lost (Jul 3, 2012)

My husband has been in my daughter and i's life since 2005. She is 11 now and we are in our 30's. He started out being just friends with my daughter, then we moved in together a year later. He still acted like a single young person went out and partied till 3 in the morning and i spent most of my time still feeling like a single mom. this lasted several years. I fwe did things he didnt enjoy then we did them alone without him. Things we did do together became unfun because everything to him was about competition. At one point they was super close and i thought hey good they got a specail bond but after 3 more years of always wearing the mom and dad hats i needed back up.

He dont understand how to be a dad. If he cant be buddies with her then he just over parents by yelling at her for dumb stuff. and making everything hard on her. 

When she agrees with me he calls her a a** kiss and tells her she dont know things. when she explainds things like games to him he tells her she dont know everything and asks her if she knows it all? When they wrestle around and she says ouch he tells her she is lying. if she tells him to stop messing with her he wont stop till she throws attitude then he yells at her and tells her to stop with the attitude. i feel like i have 2 kids and that the 11 year old is smarter then the 32 year old. 

I feel like i have to tell him all the common sense adult things to not do or say to kids. He acts like he does with her like he does with his friends.

He tells me i spend to much time with her and that i am suppose to be his friend.????? i am her mother first and she respects me and she is well disaplined. He has adopted her and i now think it was a bad thing to do and being that we are having alot of problems now...divirce might be the best thing.

Since 2005 i have done everything the same with my dughter that i have since birth....like playing etc. and just recently like 2 months ago, st work or driv and his video games are getting boring...he tells me i make him feel like a 3rd wheel////really???? All the times he made my kid and i feel like we was alone and now he is blaming me for his actions on never wanting to do stuff. i tell him that and now he is picking even more fights with a 11 yr old and still wont join us unless it is something he enjoys...which is nothing.

HHHEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's not a dad and doesn't want to be one.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

You can't make someone be a father that doesn't want to... It ends very, very badly..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's abusive too. Help yourself and get your and your daughter away from that man. Seriously.


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## unsure&lost (Jul 3, 2012)

If he didnt want to be why does he always say but i need you guys in my life. And why did he want to adopt her or continue in a relationship with me from the start.

Makes me so mad and ticked off that maybe he needs us but generally dont want us just dont wanna be alone. 

I should of known from how his parents are. They dont evencare to act like grandparents. My husband is so jealous of what i habe with my daughter and what i have with my parents.

He has lied about drinking whenhe isnt allowed ( medical cond) also had to keep count of his med only to find out he was lying aboit taking them. Always seemed like he lived for himself. Thinks all he wants from me is to be his mommy and that my kid is in the way. He claims our marriage can get better once she goes to college so we could become a couple and do things we couldnt since we was a already made family.

Sad thing is i feel bad for him at times. He always used to say how crazy it was that someone as pretty as me could like him that all his friends couldnt believe we was together....maybe that was the only reason he is with me. I lost myself during all this. I used to write poems and cards and make cds for him. Never felt he apprecaited any of that. He never did those little things for me. So i just stopped doing those things....i feel sad.

Like right now he is upstairs doing i dont know what. While my daughter and i are sitting in the living room playing on our kindles. Just chilling. Crazy how blindly you can be whenyou are just trying to have the americandream of a family and house etc


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

If what you wanted was someone to play the father role to your child, then you have to accept that you chose the wrong person. Like the others have said if he he wanted to, he would have taken on that role without being pushed.

Its hard being a step parent full stop. Seeing that unbreakable strong bond between bio parent and child can make a person jealous.

As I see it, you have two choices; either accept life as it is or move on and find yourself someone who will fill your need for a better more balanced family.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Is he an alcoholic? I sense that but maybe I'm wrong. Al-anon for you and ala-teen for your daughter. Codependency books by m. Beattie...look into those. Best wishes


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

unsure&lost said:


> If he didnt want to be why does he always say but i need you guys in my life. And why did he want to adopt her or continue in a relationship with me from the start


He likes the IDEA of being a family but isn't really interested in the work/committment aspect of it. Look to his actions moreso than his words.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

unsure&lost said:


> He dont understand how to be a dad. If he cant be buddies with her then he just over parents by yelling at her for dumb stuff. and making everything hard on her.
> ...
> 
> I feel like i have to tell him all the common sense adult things to not do or say to kids. He acts like he does with her like he does with his friends.
> ...


You can't force him. But as someone said, step parenting can be a difficult transition. You want them to "like" you, but that can't be the 1st priority. When you say you are her mother first, though, if he senses that it can be a huge issue. I played 3rd, 4th fiddle (still do) and that breeds resentment & jealousy. 

I'm not sure if this has gone on too long to "fix", that is a decision you have to make. Is he open to some counseling?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You can't get a man to be a dad unless he IS REALLY a dad... This guy doesn't feel like a dad because he isn't one. He didn't go through the stuff real fathers go. He wasn't there for the birth worrying his ass off, he wasn't there for the first things the baby does. He physiologically doesn't see your daughter as his. And i really don't think there is a thing you can do about it!


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## kate542 (Jul 25, 2012)

You can't change anyone other than yourself.
He clearly doesn't want to live as a happy family and you can't do anything about it.
Your daughter comes first.


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