# 12 years in a sexless marriage



## TLC23 (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm new.
My story is old.
I'm 36yrs old woman - married to a 42yr old man
We have 2 children (7 & 9)

It started before we got married - before we got engaged. I was young and thought it would eventually get better. I mean, it's woman who have all the headaches right? WRONG...big time....

We have had many long dry spells with absolutely no sex....
1st time = 14mos
2nd time = 16mos
3rd time = 13mos
4th time = 20mos
I am currently into a 10mos forced abstinence. 

I have tried everything to put things on track - sometimes he even cooperates. But in the end he controls everything. I've explained that the more sex you have the more you want it. I've said my need for sex is twice a week. Is that unreasonable? He says once is enough and then it never happens. 

I've had every excuse in the book. I don't try anymore because even if he does agree (out of lack of excuse or obligation) - he picks a fight right before bed so that turns me off. 

I've given up - I don't want it anymore with him. I look at him naked and feel nothing but regret and shame. He has made me feel so badly about myself that being naked around him makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I am finally facing my future and it scares me. I don't love him anymore. He has driven the love I had for him out of me.
I think I want to divorce him.
I can't talk to anyone - this is my dirty little secret

I'm tired of feeling sad all the time. 
I'm tired of the fighting
I'm tired of being lonely


H.E.L.P


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Leave, 

Work on your paper now, and LEAVE. 

Don't waste your time on this man anymore!

When there is no sex, there is no intimacy, there is no emotion, there is no life!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Do you know why he doesn't want to have sex? Are there health issues or psychological issues? From what you say "he makes me feel so badly about myself" It sounds like other parts of your relationship - not just the sex part - is also not good, is that true? Is there any satisfaction in your marriage to him? Have you tried any counseling?

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds life a very hurtful and frustrating situation for you. It sounds like you have tried and tried to work things out. I am sure with two kids involved - it is a hard thing to even consider divorce. But you sound as if you are at your wits end. And I can understand why!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm new here myself.

Twice a week? That's not high drive, that is NORMAL drive. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Best of luck to you.


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## Anangel (Jan 21, 2011)

Hi there,

your story is bit similar to mine but we have been married for over 2 years.
I am also feeling really sad, lonely, hurt
I don't kno what to do. coming on talkaboutmarriage all the time.
crying my eyes out. I hate myself and don't kno why god is doing this to me. I am so sad that days gone buy my frustration is getting worse. where do i go what do i do. i have a lovely son cant leave him also cannot live without my hubby. I need desparate help. I do not want to live any longer cant take this suffering is bigger then anything to me. How can he peacefully go to sleep everyday where i can't. God do something take me away or sort my life out.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

greenpearl said:


> Leave,
> 
> Work on your paper now, and LEAVE.
> 
> ...


Amen, words to live by.

TLC23, very sorry for you situation, i couldnt continue either.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

TLC23 said:


> I'm new.
> My story is old.
> I'm 36yrs old woman - married to a 42yr old man
> We have 2 children (7 & 9)
> ...




I know EXACTLY what you're going through!

I stayed w/my H for far too long for the sake of my son. I started therapy (if you haven't tried it, find someone you can talk to) you aren't alone, you have nothing to feel ashamed about and you will see that once you get it out to someone, it's no longer you "dirty little secret". You're feeling the way you do about yourself is a direct result of his neglect of you. Take yourself back! 

I moved out (three weeks tomorrow), and even though I'm not getting any sex, I no longer have to feel those feelings associated with him. He's no longer in control and I feel a weight has been lifted.

I am here if you need me, PM me anytime....

You can find happiness....


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Have you satisfied his "emotional needs"? Seriously, I bet if you showed interest in a divorced neighbor his sex drive would come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I am in a situation like this. The longest stretch was for 7 months, after our son was born. I will never allow for that to happen again. We have grown apart. We have sex now maybe once or twice a month. I have talked to my H about it and NOTHING changes. I don't hate my husband, yet!

If you no longer love your H, then you should get out, the sooner the better.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

No woman likes feeling that her husband doesn't want her. 

I can imagine the battering your self esteem has taken. Some men need to realise that women need to feel, sexy, wanted and loved and attractive. 

Has he got a medical issue, or had any testing done? does he masturbate?

He may have a very low sex drive, but he should find out what's causing it, because right now you feel like it's you (which I highly doubt).

You have given him a lot of time allready, I would say move on for your own self esteem and find someone more compatible. Someone who wants to be intimate and cares about your needs too. someone who does desire you, and can show you that!


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## DragonPoet (Feb 22, 2011)

If you ask me in every marriage, even every relationship, sex is one of the most important things. For me, I could do it multiple times a day (with breaks in between, lol) but for my wife, it would be more like 1 to 2 weeks depending on her body. So you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER and I mean NEVER be ashamed that you want sex. It's part of being human. You mentioned that you've tried everything to help, well what about marriage counseling? If you have already tried it and it has failed, then try it again. If he then doesn't want anything to do with it, then as much as I hate to say it, then divorce him.

Now, you also have to take into consideration of how the other parts of your marriage are. Is this you're only problem? If so, then you might want to look into buying sex toys, or just try and surprise him one night by dressing up a little.

Just keep in mind that you should never feel ashamed about anything about you or have anything make you feel worthless about yourself. Hope this helps.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Your marriage is not consummated, therefore, not valid.

You have the legal, moral, and religious right to seek annulment and/or divorce, if you desire - lack of sex is grounds in all three departments.

Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Your marriage is not consummated, therefore, not valid.
> 
> You have the legal, moral, and religious right to seek annulment and/or divorce, if you desire - lack of sex is grounds in all three departments.
> 
> Good luck.


If you live in a state with alienation of affection laws, yes. Otherwise no.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You sound like me talking about my spouse. I could chalk it up to medical issues in her 30's that resulted in losing both ovaries but things were pretty awful before. We were in counseling in our 20's several times and the therapists were frankly amazed we weren't having sex in our 20's for years and years at a clip. Other than bringing children into the world, I'd guess we've had sex maybe 30 times in 30+years. Honestly, I've got to think she deigned to have sex to get me to marry and then, well, you know the story. In any case, I think after a few decades of being denied you just stop wanting it anymore.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's selfishness. Spouses come up with myriad reasons for denying sex but there are only two real reasons. #1 - They're using it as a weapon or #2, they're selfish and care more for their own needs than their partner's. I know I'll get tons of responses from people talking about low libido, hormones, PTSD, ED, whatever, but anyone with a functioning hand or mouth can pleasure their partner and those who can but won't are simply selfish and/or cruel. No legitimate excuse for it.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I've been married 7 months and we have had sex 3 times. Last time was October. Thinking I should leave now before it gets harder. I don't think it will change. He wont talk about it to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tara1 (Mar 10, 2011)

I feel your pain. Been living in a marriage where its always my fault if fireworks don't occur on my end. I longed to have sex with him to be close but I am beginning to realize how selfish he is. Went thru so many dry spells with him that I feel so totally undesirable. Now its we will just have a sexless marriage- u can stay if you want he saids all the time looking for someone else online. Wandering what to do myself.


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## Dawn7 (Mar 4, 2011)

I've gone through the same thing for 17 years of my marriage, and I've felt so bad, like there was something wrong with me, I was so humiliated that I always initiated sex and a lot of the times he would say no and that felt just terrible, I would be crying right next to him and I felt like I just wanted to die... So in hindsight I should have left and instead what i did was worse to myself and the marriage, I slept with another man and now I can't deal with the guilt and remorse I feel. What hurts me the most is that that he neglected me so much emotionally and physically that I did this act...dont get me wrong I take full responsibility and no doubt everyone I know will look at me as the bad woman for doing the dirty on him etc...but some things are not so black and white. My suggestion to you is do something about it NOW , dont do what I did, because it has devastated me even more. ...
and let me add the shame I felt for wanting sex was terrible to, it was my "dirty little secret" and now I've realised I am who I am and no longer will hide....by the way, I slept with the other guy once and this was whilest my husband left me and didnt want to come back to the marriage...okay., back to your problem...lol


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I have had a similar experience, but in reverse. In my case there are extremely serious, long-standing attraction issues going on - both physical and emotional. The resulting depression completely 100% killed my desire for sex. (I am male.)

Ask him to be truthful: why does he not want sex? Common reasons:

- affairs, physical or emotional
- masturbation/porn replacement
- anger or resentment
- attraction problems
- physical issues
- depression


Good luck,
-seahorse


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

I find it interesting that it seems like if a sexless marriage is due to the man's not putting out, the advice is to just leave. In this case I agree. But if it's the woman who won't put out there is an expectation that the man should go the extra mile for her.


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## Kuryos (May 22, 2010)

For those of you in this position google experienceproject and "I Live In A Sexless Marriage". It will open your eyes to the number of fellow 'sufferers' there are and will challenge every preconception you have on the subject.

Best wishes, P.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Dayhiker said:


> I find it interesting that it seems like if a sexless marriage is due to the man's not putting out, the advice is to just leave. In this case I agree. But if it's the woman who won't put out there is an expectation that the man should go the extra mile for her.


I don't think anyone should live in a sexless marriage. If the other person isn't even willing to address the issue then there are big problems that won't be solved.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Dayhiker said:


> I find it interesting that it seems like if a sexless marriage is due to the man's not putting out, the advice is to just leave. In this case I agree. But if it's the woman who won't put out there is an expectation that the man should go the extra mile for her.


you will find on here that there are some folks that defend their gender to the death. ive seen it either way. you have to weed through that stuff to find the other people who post without bias to their sex.


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> It's selfishness. Spouses come up with myriad reasons for denying sex but there are only two real reasons. #1 - They're using it as a weapon or #2, they're selfish and care more for their own needs than their partner's. I know I'll get tons of responses from people talking about low libido, hormones, PTSD, ED, whatever, but anyone with a functioning hand or mouth can pleasure their partner and those who can but won't are simply selfish and/or cruel. No legitimate excuse for it.


Amen to that brother/sister! :iagree:


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

Been married 27 years, we have had sex once in 2 years, and the last time was 20months ago.

I resent her for it, and guess what that does to a marriage ?

:scratchhead:


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## Jarvis (Mar 17, 2011)

My wife of 10 years is a 'twice a month' kind of girl, whereas my needs have developed over the years and I don't think I can take it any more! We have a child who I couldn't bare to leave, but this is really getting me down.
I have written her a letter - not to give to her, but just to get my thoughts straight so I can speak with her about it once and for all. Can I really justify leaving because her desire for me does not match mine for her?
Please read my letter ("Last chance letter to wife") and tell me what you think. Any help would be great


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

I read TLC's post and the first few responses then jumped straight to a reply.....

"Leave"..."Get out"..."Divorce".....small words that are easy to say but carry huge complications.

TLC has two children aged under 10. Children of that age need a Mummy and Daddy that are together....they need that stability. If there are no children involved or they are 16+ then leaving is SO MUCH easier to do.
If the situation in the home between the two parents is SO toxic then sometimes children are better off with separated parents.
But if atall possible the parents, TLC and her husband included should do as much as they possibly can to remain together for the sake of the children. Even if it means them agreeing that TLC can have an affair etc so long as it doesnt come into the home.

I am in an almost sexless marriage and when we do have sex its very boring....do I think I am missing out on life? Too bloody right I do! But just at the moment my children (11 and 9) are more important to me than MY marital happiness. 

If I left I wouldnt see them nearly as much.....I could not survive without my children and I also know just how important it is to them to have a Mummy and Daddy living together under the same roof.

Now...when they are 19 and 16 and therefore more aware of relationship/marriage issues etc then I might well "leave", "get out", "divorce"....and they will understand why.

So, guys and gals, to those of you in fullfilling marriages, thank your lucky stars! But please just remember that getting out of a marriage in which there are young children is emotionally very hard indeed....


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Husband won't have sex with Wife = Husband's fault - wife should leave

Wife won't have sex with Husband = Husband's fault - husband should improve himself.

Now don't get me wrong I'm am a typical nice guy in the process of manning-up but it does seem one sided to us Men. And in either case the W doesn't feel the need to do much of anything to fix the marriage.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

jezza said:


> I read TLC's post and the first few responses then jumped straight to a reply.....
> 
> "Leave"..."Get out"..."Divorce".....small words that are easy to say but carry huge complications.
> 
> ...


Jeeza,

I know what you mean. I am in year 19 of my nearly sexless marriage. It started out with the pregnancy of my first son, and has not gotten much better since. I have some very serious considerations now that my son will enter college this fall and my daughter will be a high school sophomore at age 15. It is time and I feel I have lost out on a lot of what life offers. And if it was just only the sex but we have other issues.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

bill2011 said:


> Husband won't have sex with Wife = Husband's fault - wife should leave
> 
> Wife won't have sex with Husband = Husband's fault - husband should improve himself.
> 
> Now don't get me wrong I'm am a typical nice guy in the process of manning-up but it does seem one sided to us Men. And in either case the W doesn't feel the need to do much of anything to fix the marriage.


Noticed that, didjya? 

Funny how that works. Men and women are equal, but women are more equal somehow. The sexual equation in married life is heavily stacked against Men. That's why marriage is on life support as an institution. Men are giving up.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

bill2011 said:


> Husband won't have sex with Wife = Husband's fault - wife should leave
> 
> Wife won't have sex with Husband = Husband's fault - husband should improve himself.
> 
> Now don't get me wrong I'm am a typical nice guy in the process of manning-up but it does seem one sided to us Men. And in either case the W doesn't feel the need to do much of anything to fix the marriage.


I disagree with this. How many times have you seen guys on here talking about that their wife got fat, old, doesn't dress up, etc. The guy looses attraction to her because of this but doesn't have the huevos to tell her that. Instead they gaslight and lie to their wives saying they are tired, stressed, long day, etc.

How many times have you seen the wife come on here talking about how her sex drive look a nosedive because of resentment and her husband's lack of participation in the marriage. She then lies to him and says she has a headache, too tired, long day, etc.

Neither one are honest with each other. It isn't one sided at all.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Noticed that, didjya?
> 
> Funny how that works. Men and women are equal, but women are more equal somehow. The sexual equation in married life is heavily stacked against Men. That's why marriage is on life support as an institution. Men are giving up.


Heavily stacked against Men? I am breathlessly waiting for an explanation for that nugget.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Brennan said:


> Heavily stacked against Men? I am breathlessly waiting for an explanation for that nugget.


Honestly, you wouldn't understand. Different value systems.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Jeep73170 said:


> Been married 27 years, we have had sex once in 2 years, and the last time was 20months ago.
> 
> I resent her for it, and guess what that does to a marriage ?
> 
> :scratchhead:


I know what you mean. I'm in a very similar situation.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Brennan,

I agree with you to a point and maybe I'm a little biased because of my situation. Sure there are men out there who do the same but I would say that the ratio is about 10:1 on that. If you really look through the posts the common theme on here it does imply that the men need to do most of the work. The men even need to do the work when the other cheats, yet advice on the flip side is for the woman to leave. I can tell you that I never checked out of my marriage spent plenty of time giving and not receiving. I have now taking a stance that if she won't work the marriage then it will crumble.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree:

When the wife has an affair its because the husband isnt meeting her needs or understands her.

When the husband has an affair he is being a marriage wrecking ba$tard.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm going to chime in here as for a LONG part of my marriage, I was like your husband, TLC23. And I can say that for me, it was never ever that I didn't find my wife attractive or that I didn't want her. I was clinically depressed and eventually sought help for that.

What my wife SAW was that I didn't want her to touch me, but the truth was that I didn't want ANYBODY to touch me. I just didn't enjoy physical contact anymore, and was too ashamed to tell her for the longest time because I didn't think she'd understand (she didn't--it wasn't until much later in retrospect that she accepted that I had been telling her the truth). Depression was something I had been battling for a long time by myself, and I thought I was being gallant by not sharing that part of myself with my wife, because I didn't want her to have to deal with it.

The other thing (and I think I may have gotten this from TV and movies, I'm not sure) was that at some point I got the idea of orgasm as some sort of goal in sex. If I personally wasn't able to bring both of us to climax, then I hadn't done my job right. It made the act of sex a chore, an obligation, because I had some finish line that I had to cross in order to check it off my list. It was liking knowing you had a two-day drive to the beach. You may have fun once you get there, but I dreaded the drive.

Then I came to the realization that sex is not a destination to be achieved, but more like a theme-park ride: a ferris wheel or roller coaster doesn't actually GO anywhere, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride.

Personally, that realization has really REALLY being freeing for me. I don't have an objective in making either myself or my wife cum. That pressure has been lifted off of me, so I'm no longer of initiating any kind of intimate contact. I can just enjoy the warmth of her body without worrying of what I'm "supposed" to do.

I'm not saying that my reasons for low drive are the same as his. I'm just trying to give the viewpoint of the person on the other side of the bed.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Brennan said:


> Heavily stacked against Men? I am breathlessly waiting for an explanation for that nugget.


it's simple. guys are wired for faster sexual response than women are. when a woman wants to have sex, men are ready and willing 99.99% of the time (yeah, i know there are posts here saying a husband isn't, but not a large number).

for a woman, she needs to be in the mood or able to get in the mood. so usually, when a guy is interested, the majority of the time the woman isn't (yeah i know... but look at the numbers).

in my marriage i would say easily that 99.99% of the times i have wanted sex it was a no-go. 100% of the times she has initiated we have had sex.


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## pcw22 (Aug 5, 2011)

Late to the party, I know, but here are my experiences. Been married with my wife for 7 years, together for 13, initially I hesitated about sex because of my upbringing, but eventually succumbed (my choice). Unfortunately, and I don't know if I'm to blame, but apart from the occasional passionate encounters with my girlfriend/fiancee/wife (of which a few were amazing), there has been no passion since. I love her, she is stunningly, drop dead gorgeous, and apart from being amazingly stubborn and opionated (which I respect), she is just not interested in sex... asexual... I tried for so long, culminating in my 30th birthday a few years ago. We went on an amazing holiday, and I thought that, surely, 30 years to the day of my birth she'd be at least willing to try... 
You can guess my dissapointment...
So, now... I'm in a different place, and would appreciate any thoughts on my situation from the clear majority of women here who I really could use some advice from...


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## Ohso lonely (Apr 5, 2015)

TLC23 said:


> I'm new.
> My story is old.
> I'm 36yrs old woman - married to a 42yr old man
> We have 2 children (7 & 9)
> ...


I know exactly how you feel. I've been married for 35 years, the last 8 havebeen without sex. His excuses are lame, too tired, grown son in the house, weeks go by so fast, blah, blah blah. I feel like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place and i'm being force to play a hand I don't want. I can't, nor do I want to, force my husband to have sex, but I have no intentions of staying in a sexless marriage. So what choices do I have???


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

I am so sorry for you. I can identify with you. I have not had sex for over 15 years now so all I can say is get out now.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

This is a 2011 thread.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

I have lived like this for over 15 years. I should have left years ago. So sorry for you at your age. You are still young enough to find happiness. Be strong.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Major zombie thread. This thread is *4 years old.*


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