# Marriage to a spouse with Aspergers?



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Anyone here married to someone who may be on the spectrum? My wife has not been diagnosed, but it seems fairly obvious now that I have researched it in more detail. In fact, as my daughter and I discussed some home issues with my daughter's long term counselor, the counselor mentioned that my wife appears to have Aspergers. 

To be specific, she has a difficult time showing emotions and empathy. She has serious issues with "her space". A hug of more than a second or two becomes "Okay, that's too much now", etc. She does not crave physical intimacy, and she really just doesn't show many emotions. She rarely says "I love you" unless I or my children say it first, and there's never any depth to the words. Not sure how to better desctribe that last part other than this.: If I look deep into her eyes and say "I love you so very much and you mean the world to me!" her reaponse is "Love you too" and that's pretty much it. 

I discussed this with my wife and she agreed she probably does have it. Now, with that being said, we have been married 21 years, together for 23 years. It works for us. But, it's hard. 

So, any others here in this boat? How do you work with your spouse? How do you not take it personally? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Deleted by a lesser ...

Post was not helpful..but was entertaining.

My reply post was off the mark....not accurate for TX-SC needs.

Firing from the hip...sometimes hits the wrong target. And the owner of that target gets the credit for your triggering impulse.

Hopefully, not seven shots out of a six-shooter.

People who fire for credit get my gist, my humor.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@TX-SC I can't say that I've ever been in a relationship with someone with Aspberger's, and I don't think that I could be. I require a lot of physical touch and want to be close to my partner all the time, or as much as possible. (Which, fortunately, my guy is ok with, because he knows it's important to me.) And empathy is also very important to me, because I need to be _heard_ and _understood_. Oddly enough, I get along very well with people with Aspberger's on a platonic level and enjoy their company--I think it is because they are _less _emotional, which makes them easier for me to deal with than other people.

Obviously, your wife's behavior isn't going to change, it's part of who she is. My best friend, whose brother has Aspberger's (with whom I get along with very well, he apparently likes me more than any of her other friends), says that she has to explicitly TELL him what she needs out of a particular exchange, like "I need a hug" or "I just need you to listen and be supportive." He's learned what some of the motions and the right things to say are, but primarily she's learned that she may love him, but he can't give her the same type of brotherly love and support that a brother without Aspberger's could. But she can better rely on him for other things. Like, when she got married, she was freaking out/having second thoughts beforehand and something went wrong with one of the vendors; he couldn't help with the freakout (I took care of that), but I was able to say to him, "I need you to go do X, Y, and Z to take care of the vendor thing." And he did it promptly and without any sense of panic.

I guess my point is this... being in a relationship with someone with Aspberger's isn't easy, because they have their limitations. I think that maybe you have to appreciate the strengths that come out of these limitations, and be direct in what you need. I bet your wife is really good in a crisis, and is really good at following "instructions." So, maybe what you have to do is emphasize the good and downplay the bad. If you can explain to her what your cues are and what you need when, maybe she can start acting on those cues so you don't have to prompt her all the time. They won't necessarily be genuine, emotional, empathetic reactions, but they will be authentic in that she is trying to meet your needs.

I hope someone else has more specific, experience-based advice for you.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Thanks for posting this, my wife has all the symptoms you've talked about, definitely no empathy and no emotions and hates touching, difficulty controlling anger, paranoia, narcissism . Maybe she's got it to.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The fact that your wife admitted the possibility of having Asperger s, is hopeful?

Only in the admission, not in any chance of "cure".

After marriage, while in the basement of your marriage, you reached into a hole and pulled out with what looked like an aberration, an anomaly.

You knew that this "thing" was unpleasant and that if you turned your back on it, tried to ignore "it", the revelation never went away. It remained and it remains unpleasant. 

While in the Doctors office, it gained a name and a commonplace identity.

Unfortunately, naming is not a cure. Naming is nothing more than a validation of an unpleasant dread. A dread found in the basement of your mind...of your marriage.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In post #2 I likened Asperger's and Spectrum Disorder to BPD. I added them all in a single jar and shook it up. My Bad.

Yes, they are all related to some degree. They originate in the brain [and in it's construction and it's functioning] and any variances, be they genetic, chemical, blood-brain-barrier chemical crossings, have some impact, some cross-fertilizing of adverse natures. Additive in harm and damage.

I probably over-used Alliteration and mixed up a toxic mess. One suitable for a trained psychiatrist, not an arm-chair babbler like me.

Sorry Folks...


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

My ex is probably on the spectrum. Both of my boys are.

I honestly could not tolerate living with the man. We get along fine when it comes to almost everything but the children and a couple other things. His rigidity turned into constant power struggles and his upbringing deeply influenced who he was as a parent...and with 3 kids, there was no way in hell I would bring mine up like he was brought up. I was not like his mother who just smiled and laughed everything off while everything around her went to crap.

If it is tolerable for you, great. You have been married a long time and that is positive. 

A lot of understanding is necessary that is for sure.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

@MattMatt


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I sometimes think I have it myself. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> Anyone here married to someone who may be on the spectrum? My wife has not been diagnosed, but it seems fairly obvious now that I have researched it in more detail. In fact, as my daughter and I discussed some home issues with my daughter's long term counselor, the counselor mentioned that my wife appears to have Aspergers.
> 
> To be specific, she has a difficult time showing emotions and empathy. She has serious issues with "her space". A hug of more than a second or two becomes "Okay, that's too much now", etc. She does not crave physical intimacy, and she really just doesn't show many emotions. She rarely says "I love you" unless I or my children say it first, and there's never any depth to the words. Not sure how to better desctribe that last part other than this.: If I look deep into her eyes and say "I love you so very much and you mean the world to me!" her reaponse is "Love you too" and that's pretty much it.
> 
> ...


Oh, brother! 

My wife and I have been together for 28 years. 

It's not that they don't love us as strongly as we love them, it's just that they have difficulty expressing it, I think. 

Does your wife have a sense of humour? Mine doesn't. Well, that's not strictly true. She doesn't understand jokes and will often ask for explanations as to why something is funny. (A little bit like Data in Star Trek NG.)

But if there is a report of a dreadful tragedy she will often laugh at it and upset people who can't see the funny side of the event. (To them there is no funny side.)

She can't multitask and sudden loud noises will send her into an instant and quite frightening rage.

And touching? Well, let's not go there!

She has a laser focus on what does and her studying is incredible as she generally obtains a degree in one to two years, rather than three to four. And she has an in depth knowledge of whatever subject she has studied.

On one occasion she did a course for fun in a very short timeframe and was shocked to receive a degree qualification when she had finished her course. In the fastest ever time, naturally! 

She has several degrees, an MA and two Doctorates. 

My wife has been diagnosed as a High Functioning Asperger's.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, brother!
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 28 years.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the great reply Matt, and to SunC, and Feminist, and everyone else. 

To answer some questions, yes she has a sense of humor but she doesn't show it often. My wife laughed at something at dinner the other night and my 15 year old said "Oh my God, mom's laughing!" Instead of laughing, she usually just smiles, but she does laugh occassionally. I believe she gets all of my corny "dad" jokes but simply doesn't find them all that amusing. 

I don't shed a tear often, but sometimes after a particularly sad movie scene, I might get a little teary eyed. I have never seen her do so, except when her mother died. 

My wife is very smart and is a software engineer. I don't think loud noises are her favorite, but she doesn't change moods over them. She does not like crowds but can handle them. 

Honestly, all of these years I just thought she was introverted and not good at emotions. A few years ago, she mentioned that her two nephews were diagnosed with aspergers. I had never heard of it so she explained it. I thought no more about it until the counselor mentioned it. That's when I researched it and came to the conclusion that the counselor is probably right. But, even though she agrees she may have it, she has no interest in seeing her own counselor. I think she has a huge aversion to being told there might be something different about her. She takes it personally. 

I am a very affectionate person and so my kids have to gravitate to me for that attention. Their mom rarely doles out hugs and "I love you" isn't overlly common. She is otherwise a great mother, but she just can't seem to fill THAT need. The counselor even mentioned that in our family, the roles are somewhat reversed. Where the mother is usually the more openly affectionate one and the dad more stoic, our roles are reversed. 

The aversion to physical touch and words of affection are difficult for me, and for the kids. My two top love languages: physical touch and words of affirmation!  sigh...

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> Thanks for the great reply Matt, and to SunC, and Feminist, and everyone else.
> 
> To answer some questions, yes she has a sense of humor but she doesn't show it often. My wife laughed at something at dinner the other night and my 15 year old said "Oh my God, mom's laughing!" Instead of laughing, she usually just smiles, but she does laugh occassionally. I believe she gets all of my corny "dad" jokes but simply doesn't find them all that amusing.
> 
> ...


I have to remember not to suddenly touch my wife as it can freak her out.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I have to remember not to suddenly touch my wife as it can freak her out.


Join the club...

The no-touch mom is part of our family legend...


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My wife doesn't mind being touched, but she certainly has a strong sense of space. Almost like claustrophobia. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Talking with my eldest son earlier tonight while we were minding the puppy together, with him having gotten his BA in a medical discipline, I asked him about what Asperger's actually entailed. And if it could be hereditary!

He told me that from the clinical standpoint, Asperger's was the marked inability to show or share loving or altruistic emotion toward other people. He went on to say that my youngest son might possibly have it as he is entirely that way. Notwithstanding, this young man graduated with honors from Texas A&M in Journalism, and has standing scholarship offers to attend Methodist seminary school, which he wants to defer because he had busted his butt in hitting the books for his BA!

Having said that, his mother, my first wife, is exactly the same way, feigning and resisting loving touch and emotion. Which posed the hereditary end of it ~ to which my eldest son said that it very well could be either a hereditary or a "learned" characteristic!

Let's just say that the "old man" certainly received a real primer on Asperger's earlier tonight and that I'm not redundant about it any more! *


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm waiting for my younger daughter to get into clinical rotations... She could bring mom for psychiatry rotation show and tell 😁...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

john117 said:


> I'm waiting for my younger daughter to get into clinical rotations... She could bring mom for psychiatry rotation show and tell 😁...


And my wife is a Doctor of Psychology! 

Though she hasn't practiced in years.


----------



## rubydoobs (Apr 20, 2017)

Well I AM a wife with Asperger's - diagnosed 4 years ago. One thing I can tell you is, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Meaning, it affects everyone differently.

I love to be touched/hugged by a very select few people: my husband, my children and my pets. Anyone else, I hate being touched by. Touching for me is a very intimate thing and it is an unwelcome false closeness from anyone else, even my parents, although I love them, I don't like to be touched by them. 

I love the above-mentioned people very dearly so, yes, we can FEEL emotions. However, we're not always very good at expressing them.

I don't get hints. if you want me to do something you generally have to tell me explicitly.

When I am happy and everyone else around me is happy, life is good.

However, I don't deal well with negative emotions. People think we have no empathy, but the general view among the autistic community is that in fact we have too much empathy. We feel other people's emotions, we absorb them like a sponge. It's almost ESP-like. So when faced with negative emotions, that backwash is so unpleasant we shut down and try to shut it out, which is why we come across sometimes as Spock-like. I don't know how to react when faced with negative emotions. My natural reactions generally are not well-received so I end up asking how the person wants me to react. I've been known to hide under a blanket with my hands over my ears to hide from and shut out the negativity. If I can't shut it out, then it leads to meltdown, which is not pretty. That's when all the negativity I've been trying to suppress comes out in me and I lose control. Luckily it doesn't happen very often.

One of my biggest problems with relationships is conflict resolution. Partly because of the above reactions to the other person's negative emotions, partly because generally I don't know what it is I've done wrong and they generally don't actually TELL me), and partly because I don't have the first clue how to fix it.

Getting a diagnosis was very useful for me because it explained a whole lot about my difficulties and why I have them.

If your wife is receptive, get her to do the Aspie Quiz: Aspie Quiz

Then if the results indicate she may have Asperger's, she needs to go her doctor with the results of the quiz and any other evidence, and ask for a referral for a diagnosis.

I hope that's been some help to you. If you have any questions, please ask.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

rubydoobs said:


> Well I AM a wife with Asperger's - diagnosed 4 years ago. One thing I can tell you is, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Meaning, it affects everyone differently.
> 
> I love to be touched/hugged by a very select few people: my husband, my children and my pets. Anyone else, I hate being touched by. Touching for me is a very intimate thing and it is an unwelcome false closeness from anyone else, even my parents, although I love them, I don't like to be touched by them.
> 
> ...


Great response! Thanks so very much for the post! 

If you don't mind my asking, you mentioned not minding being touched by those who are close to you. Just wondering if even that touching has to be in small doses, or if it really doesn't bother you at all, in any amount? Does it effect your intimacy with your husband? And, before you met your husband, did it effect your ability to be intimate with men you dated? 

How does your husband handle conflicts and negative energy so that you don't feel overwhelmed? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## rubydoobs (Apr 20, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> Great response! Thanks so very much for the post!
> 
> If you don't mind my asking, you mentioned not minding being touched by those who are close to you. Just wondering if even that touching has to be in small doses, or if it really doesn't bother you at all, in any amount?


Touch reaffirms our emotional closeness. Most evenings when the kids have gone to bed, my husband will lie with his head in my lap on a cushion and we'll snuggle. That's nice. I think there's always such a thing as too mich touch for anyone, I mean if he was literally constantly clinging to me like a limpet, or the kids were, and I had to physically drag him around with me, then that would be too much, but I'm deliberately over-exaggerating there.



> Does it effect your intimacy with your husband? And, before you met your husband, did it effect your ability to be intimate with men you dated?


I actually have a high sex drive so if anything I like sex more often than my husband. it used to cause problems as I used to interpret him not wanting to have sex at times as a rejection of me, of him not loving me. I used to get very upset. As for other men, I went through a bit of a one night stand phase in my 20s, but that was ultimately unsatisfying. I have to be emotionally comfortable with someone before I can be intimate with them, which takes as long as it takes.

I belong to a FB ladies Aspie group and we talk about stuff, trying to work out if certain behaviours are an "Aspie-thing" or not. A lot of Aspies are all or nothing when it comes to sex and physical closeness. It stems from hypersensitivity, for me, it's something I enjoy, others can be totally asexual.

I loathe being tickled though and I can't be touched when I'm trying to get to sleep. Pre-sleep cuddles are fine, but once we turn over to go to sleep - it's touch-me-not!



> How does your husband handle conflicts and negative energy so that you don't feel overwhelmed?


Ah, that's something we're still working on. He doesn't handle conflict very well either. He used to be quite verbally abusive when he got angry and my reactions didn't help. We went for counselling and they told him he was abusive and he went on an anger management course which helped a lot. Now when he's angry he just goes silent on me, which is unpleasant but preferable to the abuse. That's what's brought me here actually, I was going to look for advice on how to break through the silent treatment, and I found this thread instead.

We've been living apart and we felt things were a LOT better between us so we've just bought a house together for the first time and we've been here less than a month so to be getting the silent treatment already is disheartening.


----------



## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

My husband and I both suspect that he is on the spectrum. We have a 1 year old child with special needs and our marriage is not in a good place. He is a loving and affectionate husband, but tends to shut down in conflicts and does nothing to contribute to the household and I have to beg him to help with the baby. 

He complains about not having his own space (he moves into my condo) but does not provide any solutions. He also gets angry at times and can be mean to me. He is never physical, but he makes snarky comments. It drives me insane. I feel stuck and I don't know what to do. I know he loves us, but sometimes he just shuts us out. I want to a tell him to move into his own place. We might get along better that way :-(


----------

